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diff --git a/old/mtmts10.txt b/old/mtmts10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6944eaf --- /dev/null +++ b/old/mtmts10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10146 @@ +Project Gutenberg Etext of Mark Twain's Speeches, by Mark Twain +#49 in our series by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the laws for your country before redistributing these files!!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. + +Please do not remove this. + +This should be the first thing seen when anyone opens the book. +Do not change or edit it without written permission. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.12.12.00*END* + + + + + +This etext was produced by David Widger <widger@cecomet.net> + + + + + +Mark Twain's Speeches + +by Mark Twain + + + + +MARK TWAIN'S SPEECHES + +1910 + + +CONTENTS: + + INTRODUCTION + PREFACE + THE STORY OF A SPEECH + PLYMOUTH ROCK AND THE PILGRIMS + COMPLIMENTS AND DEGREES + BOOKS, AUTHORS, AND HATS + DEDICATION SPEECH + DIE SCHRECKEN DER DEUTSCHEN SPRACHE. + THE HORRORS OF THE GERMAN LANGUAGE + GERMAN FOR THE HUNGARIANS + A NEW GERMAN WORD + UNCONSCIOUS PLAGIARISM + THE WEATHER + THE BABIES + OUR CHILDREN AND GREAT DISCOVERIES + EDUCATING THEATRE-GOERS + THE EDUCATIONAL THEATRE + POETS AS POLICEMEN + PUDD'NHEAD WILSON DRAMATIZED + DALY THEATRE + THE DRESS OF CIVILIZED WOMAN + DRESS REFORM AND COPYRIGHT + COLLEGE GIRLS + GIRLS + THE LADIES + WOMAN'S PRESS CLUB + VOTES FOR WOMEN + WOMAN-AN OPINION + ADVICE TO GIRLS + TAXES AND MORALS + TAMMANY AND CROKER + MUNICIPAL CORRUPTION + MUNICIPAL GOVERNMENT + CHINA AND THE PHILIPPINES + THEORETICAL AND PRACTICAL MORALS + LAYMAN'S SERMON + UNIVERSITY SETTLEMENT SOCIETY + PUBLIC EDUCATION ASSOCIATION + EDUCATION AND CITIZENSHIP + COURAGE + THE DINNER TO MR. CHOATE + ON STANLEY AND LIVINGSTONE + HENRY M. STANLEY + DINNER TO MR. JEROME + HENRY IRVING + DINNER TO HAMILTON W. MABIE + INTRODUCING NYE AND RILEY + DINNER TO WHITELAW REID + ROGERS AND RAILROADS + THE OLD-FASHIONED PRINTER + SOCIETY OF AMERICAN AUTHORS + READING-ROOM OPENING + LITERATURE + DISAPPEARANCE OF LITERATURE + THE NEW YORK PRESS CLUB DINNER + THE ALPHABET AND SIMPLIFIED SPELLING + SPELLING AND PICTURES + BOOKS AND BURGLARS + AUTHORS' CLUB + BOOKSELLERS + "MARK TWAIN's FIRST APPEARANCE" + MORALS AND MEMORY + QUEEN VICTORIA + JOAN OF ARC + ACCIDENT INSURANCE--ETC. + OSTEOPATHY + WATER-SUPPLY + MISTAKEN IDENTITY + CATS AND CANDY + OBITUARY POETRY + CIGARS AND TOBACCO + BILLIARDS + THE UNION RIGHT OR WRONG? + AN IDEAL FRENCH ADDRESS + STATISTICS + GALVESTON ORPHAN BAZAAR + SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE + CHARITY AND ACTORS + RUSSIAN REPUBLIC + RUSSIAN SUFFERERS + WATTERSON AND TWAIN AS REBELS + ROBERT FULTON FUND + FULTON DAY, JAMESTOWN + LOTOS CLUB DINNER IN HONOR OF MARK TWAIN + COPYRIGHT + IN AID OF THE BLIND + DR. MARK TWAIN, FARMEOPATH + MISSOURI UNIVERSITY SPEECH + BUSINESS + CARNEGIE THE BENEFACTOR + ON POETRY, VERACITY, AND SUICIDE + WELCOME HOME + AN UNDELIVERED SPEECH + SIXTY-SEVENTH BIRTHDAY + TO THE WHITEFRIARS + THE ASCOT GOLD CUP + THE SAVAGE CLUB DINNER + GENERAL MILES AND THE DOG + WHEN IN DOUBT, TELL THE TRUTH + THE DAY WE CELEBRATE + INDEPENDENCE DAY + AMERICANS AND THE ENGLISH + ABOUT LONDON + PRINCETON + THE ST. LOUIS HARBOR-BOAT "MARK TWAIN" + SEVENTIETH BIRTHDAY + + + + + + +INTRODUCTION + +These speeches will address themselves to the minds and hearts of those +who read them, but not with the effect they had with those who heard +them; Clemens himself would have said, not with half the effect. I have +noted elsewhere how he always held that the actor doubled the value of +the author's words; and he was a great actor as well as a great author. +He was a most consummate actor, with this difference from other actors, +that he was the first to know the thoughts and invent the fancies to +which his voice and action gave the color of life. Representation is the +art of other actors; his art was creative as well as representative; it +was nothing at second hand. + +I never heard Clemens speak when I thought he quite failed; some burst +or spurt redeemed him when he seemed flagging short of the goal, and, +whoever else was in the running, he came in ahead. His near-failures +were the error of a rare trust to the spontaneity in which other speakers +confide, or are believed to confide, when they are on their feet. He +knew that from the beginning of oratory the orator's spontaneity was for +the silence and solitude of the closet where he mused his words to an +imagined audience; that this was the use of orators from Demosthenes and +Cicero up and down. He studied every word and syllable, and memorized +them by a system of mnemonics peculiar to himself, consisting of an +arbitrary arrangement of things on a table--knives, forks, salt-cellars; +inkstands, pens, boxes, or whatever was at hand--which stood for points +and clauses and climaxes, and were at once indelible diction and constant +suggestion. He studied every tone and every gesture, and he forecast the +result with the real audience from its result with that imagined +audience. Therefore, it was beautiful to see him and to hear him; he +rejoiced in the pleasure he gave and the blows of surprise which he +dealt; and because he had his end in mind, he knew when to stop. + +I have been talking of his method and manner; the matter the reader has +here before him; and it is good matter, glad, honest, kind, just. + + W. D. HOWELLS. + + + + + + +PREFACE + +FROM THE PREFACE TO THE ENGLISH EDITION OF "MARK TWAIN'S SKETCHES" + +If I were to sell the reader a barrel of molasses, and he, instead of +sweetening his substantial dinner with the same at judicious intervals, +should eat the entire barrel at one sitting, and then abuse me for making +him sick, I would say that he deserved to be made sick for not knowing +any better how to utilize the blessings this world affords. And if I +sell to the reader this volume of nonsense, and he, instead of seasoning +his graver reading with a chapter of it now and then, when his mind +demands such relaxation, unwisely overdoses himself with several chapters +of it at a single sitting, he will deserve to be nauseated, and he will +have nobody to blame but himself if he is. There is no more sin in +publishing an entire volume of nonsense than there is in keeping a +candy-store with no hardware in it. It lies wholly with the customer +whether he will injure himself by means of either, or will derive from +them the benefits which they will afford him if he uses their +possibilities judiciously. + Respectfully submitted, + THE AUTHOR. + + + + + + MARK TWAIN'S SPEECHES + + + + +THE STORY OF A SPEECH + + An address delivered in 1877, and a review of it twenty-nine + years later. The original speech was delivered at a dinner + given by the publishers of The Atlantic Monthly in honor of the + seventieth anniversary o f the birth of John Greenleaf + Whittier, at the Hotel Brunswick, Boston, December 17, 1877. + +This is an occasion peculiarly meet for the digging up of pleasant +reminiscences concerning literary folk; therefore I will drop lightly +into history myself. Standing here on the shore of the Atlantic and +contemplating certain of its largest literary billows, I am reminded of a +thing which happened to me thirteen years ago, when I had just succeeded +in stirring up a little Nevadian literary puddle myself, whose +spume-flakes were beginning to blow thinly Californiaward. I started an +inspection tramp through the southern mines of California. I was callow +and conceited, and I resolved to try the virtue of my 'nom de guerre'. + +I very soon had an opportunity. I knocked at a miner's lonely log cabin +in the foot-hills of the Sierras just at nightfall. It was snowing at +the time. A jaded, melancholy man of fifty, barefooted, opened the door +to me. When he heard my 'nom de guerre' he looked more dejected than +before. He let me in--pretty reluctantly, I thought--and after the +customary bacon and beans, black coffee and hot whiskey, I took a pipe. +This sorrowful man had not said three words up to this time. Now he +spoke up and said, in the voice of one who is secretly suffering, "You're +the fourth--I'm going to move." "The fourth what?" said I. "The fourth +littery man that has been here in twenty-four hours--I'm going to move." +"You don't tell me!" said I; "who were the others?" "Mr. Longfellow, +Mr. Emerson, and Mr. Oliver Wendell Holmes--consound the lot!" + +You can, easily believe I was interested. I supplicated--three hot +whiskeys did the rest--and finally the melancholy miner began. Said he: + +"They came here just at dark yesterday evening, and I let them in of +course. Said they were going to the Yosemite. They were a rough lot, +but that's nothing; everybody looks rough that travels afoot. +Mr. Emerson was a seedy little bit of a chap, red-headed. Mr. Holmes was +as fat as a balloon; he weighed as much as three hundred, and had double +chins all the way down to his stomach. Mr. Longfellow was built like a +prizefighter. His head was cropped and bristly, like as if he had a wig +made of hair-brushes. His nose lay straight down, his face, like a +finger with the end joint tilted up. They had been drinking, I could see +that. And what queer talk they used! Mr. Holmes inspected this cabin, +then he took me by the buttonhole, and says he: + + "'Through the deep caves of thought + I hear a voice that sings, + Build thee more stately mansions, + O my soul!' + +"Says I, 'I can't afford it, Mr. Holmes, and moreover I don't want to.' +Blamed if I liked it pretty well, either, coming from a stranger, that +way. However, I started to get out my bacon and beans, when Mr. Emerson +came and looked on awhile, and then he takes me aside by the buttonhole +and says: + + "'Give me agates for my meat; + Give me cantharids to eat; + From air and ocean bring me foods, + From all zones and altitudes.' + +"Says I, 'Mr. Emerson, if you'll excuse me, this ain't no hotel.' +You see it sort of riled me--I warn't used to the ways of littery swells. +But I went on a-sweating over my work, and next comes Mr. Longfellow and +buttonholes me, and interrupts me. Says he: + + "'Honor be to Mudjekeewis! + You shall hear how Pau-Puk-Keewis--' + +"But I broke in, and says I, 'Beg your pardon, Mr. Longfellow, if you'll +be so kind as to hold your yawp for about five minutes and let me get +this grub ready, you'll do me proud.' Well, sir, after they'd filled up +I set out the jug. Mr. Holmes looks at it, and then he fires up all of a +sudden and yells: + + "Flash out a stream of blood-red wine! + For I would drink to other days.' + +"By George, I was getting kind of worked up. I don't deny it, I was +getting kind of worked up. I turns to Mr. Holmes, and says I, 'Looky +here, my fat friend, I'm a-running this shanty, and if the court knows +herself, you'll take whiskey straight or you'll go dry.' Them's the very +words I said to him. Now I don't want to sass such famous littery +people, but you see they kind of forced me. There ain't nothing +onreasonable 'bout me; I don't mind a passel of guests a-treadin' on my +tail three or four times, but when it comes to standing on it it's +different, 'and if the court knows herself,' I says, 'you'll take whiskey +straight or you'll go dry.' Well, between drinks they'd swell around the +cabin and strike attitudes and spout; and pretty soon they got out a +greasy old deck and went to playing euchre at ten cents a corner--on +trust. I began to notice some pretty suspicious things. Mr. Emerson +dealt, looked at his hand, shook his head, says: + + "'I am the doubter and the doubt--' + +and ca'mly bunched the hands and went to shuffling for a new layout. +Says he: + + "'They reckon ill who leave me out; + They know not well the subtle ways I keep. + I pass and deal again!' + +Hang'd if he didn't go ahead and do it, too! Oh, he was a cool one! +Well, in about a minute things were running pretty tight, but all of a +sudden I see by Mr. Emerson's eye he judged he had 'em. He had already +corralled two tricks, and each of the others one. So now he kind of +lifts a little in his chair and says: + + "'I tire of globes and aces! + Too long the game is played!' + +--and down he fetched a right bower. Mr. Longfellow smiles as sweet as +pie and says: + + "'Thanks, thanks to thee, my worthy friend, + For the lesson thou hast taught,' + +--and blamed if he didn't down with another right bower! Emerson claps +his hand on his bowie, Longfellow claps his on his revolver, and I went +under a bunk. There was going to be trouble; but that monstrous Holmes +rose up, wobbling his double chins, and says he, 'Order, gentlemen; the +first man that draws, I'll lay down on him and smother him!' All quiet +on the Potomac, you bet! + +"They were pretty how-come-you-so' by now, and they begun to blow. +Emerson says, 'The nobbiest thing I ever wrote was "Barbara Frietchie."' +Says Longfellow, 'It don't begin with my "Biglow Papers."' Says Holmes, +'My "Thanatopsis"lays over 'em both.' They mighty near ended in a fight. +Then they wished they had some more company--and Mr. Emerson pointed to +me and says: + + "'Is yonder squalid peasant all + That this proud nursery could breed?' + +He was a-whetting his bowie on his boot--so I let it pass. Well, sir, +next they took it into their heads that they would like some music; so +they made me stand up and sing "When Johnny Comes Marching Home" till I +dropped-at thirteen minutes past four this morning. That's what I've +been through, my friend. When I woke at seven, they were leaving, thank +goodness, and Mr. Longfellow had my only boots on, and his'n under his +arm. Says I, 'Hold on, there, Evangeline, what are you going to do with +them?' He says, 'Going to make tracks with 'em; because: + + "'Lives of great men all remind us + We can make our lives sublime; + And, departing, leave behind us + Footprints on the sands of time.' + +As I said, Mr. Twain, you are the fourth in twenty-four hours--and I'm +going to move; I ain't suited to a littery atmosphere." + +I said to the miner, "Why, my dear sir, these were not the gracious +singers to whom we and the world pay loving reverence and homage; these +were impostors." + +The miner investigated me with a calm eye for a while; then said he, "Ah! +impostors, were they? Are you?" + +I did not pursue the subject, and since then I have not travelled on my +'nom de guerre' enough to hurt. Such was the reminiscence I was moved to +contribute, Mr. Chairman. In my enthusiasm I may have exaggerated the +details a little, but you will easily forgive me that fault, since I +believe it is the first time I have ever deflected from perpendicular +fact on an occasion like this. + + ......................... + +From Mark Twain's Autobiography. + + January 11, 1906. + +Answer to a letter received this morning: + + DEAR MRS. H.,--I am forever your debtor for reminding me of that + curious passage in my life. During the first year or, two after it + happened, I could not bear to think of it. My pain and shame were + so intense, and my sense of having been an imbecile so settled, + established and confirmed, that I drove the episode entirely from my + mind--and so all these twenty-eight or twenty-nine years I have + lived in the conviction that my performance of that time was coarse, + vulgar, and destitute of humor. But your suggestion that you and + your family found humor in it twenty-eight years ago moved me to + look into the matter. So I commissioned a Boston typewriter to + delve among the Boston papers of that bygone time and send me a copy + of it. + + It came this morning, and if there is any vulgarity about it I am + not able to discover it. If it isn't innocently and ridiculously + funny, I am no judge. I will see to it that you get a copy. + + +What I have said to Mrs. H. is true. I did suffer during a year or two +from the deep humiliations of that episode. But at last, in 1888, in +Venice, my wife and I came across Mr. and Mrs. A. P. C., of Concord, +Massachusetts, and a friendship began then of the sort which nothing but +death terminates. The C.'s were very bright people and in every way +charming and companionable. We were together a month or two in Venice +and several months in Rome, afterward, and one day that lamented break of +mine was mentioned. And when I was on the point of lathering those +people for bringing it to my mind when I had gotten the memory of it +almost squelched, I perceived with joy that the C.'s were indignant about +the way that my performance had been received in Boston. They poured out +their opinions most freely and frankly about the frosty attitude of the +people who were present at that performance, and about the Boston +newspapers for the position they had taken in regard to the matter. +That position was that I had been irreverent beyond belief, beyond +imagination. Very well; I had accepted that as a fact for a year or two, +and had been thoroughly miserable about it whenever I thought of it +--which was not frequently, if I could help it. Whenever I thought of it +I wondered how I ever could have been inspired to do so unholy a thing. +Well, the C.'s comforted me, but they did not persuade me to continue to +think about the unhappy episode. I resisted that. I tried to get it out +of my mind, and let it die, and I succeeded. Until Mrs. H.'s letter +came, it had been a good twenty-five years since I had thought of that +matter; and when she said that the thing was funny I wondered if possibly +she might be right. At any rate, my curiosity was aroused, and I wrote +to Boston and got the whole thing copied, as above set forth. + +I vaguely remember some of the details of that gathering--dimly I can see +a hundred people--no, perhaps fifty--shadowy figures sitting at tables +feeding, ghosts now to me, and nameless forevermore. I don't know who +they were, but I can very distinctly see, seated at the grand table and +facing the rest of us, Mr. Emerson, supernaturally grave, unsmiling; +Mr. Whittier, grave, lovely, his beautiful spirit shining out of his +face; Mr. Longfellow, with his silken white hair and his benignant face; +Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes, flashing smiles and affection and all good- +fellowship everywhere like a rose-diamond whose facets are being turned +toward the light first one way and then another--a charming man, and +always fascinating, whether he was talking or whether he was sitting +still (what he would call still, but what would be more or less motion to +other people). I can see those figures with entire distinctness across +this abyss of time. + +One other feature is clear--Willie Winter (for these past thousand years +dramatic editor of the New York Tribune, and still occupying that high +post in his old age) was there. He was much younger then than he is now, +and he showed 'it. It was always a pleasure to me to see Willie Winter +at a banquet. During a matter of twenty years I was seldom at a banquet +where Willie Winter was not also present, and where he did not read a +charming poem written for the occasion. He did it this time, and it was +up to standard: dainty, happy, choicely phrased, and as good to listen to +as music, and sounding exactly as if it was pouring unprepared out of +heart and brain. + +Now at that point ends all that was pleasurable about that notable +celebration of Mr. Whittier's seventieth birthday--because I got up at +that point and followed Winter, with what I have no doubt I supposed +would be the gem of the evening--the gay oration above quoted from the +Boston paper. I had written it all out the day before and had perfectly +memorized it, and I stood up there at my genial and happy and self- +satisfied ease, and began to deliver it. Those majestic guests; that row +of venerable and still active volcanoes, listened; as did everybody else +in the house, with attentive interest. Well, I delivered myself of-- +we'll say the first two hundred words of my speech. I was expecting no +returns from that part of the speech, but this was not the case as +regarded the rest of it. I arrived now at the dialogue: "The old miner +said, 'You are the fourth, I'm going to move.' 'The fourth what?' said +I. He answered, 'The fourth littery man that has been here in twenty- +four hours. I am going to move.' 'Why, you don't tell me;' said I. +'Who were the others?' "Mr. Longfellow, Mr. Emerson, Mr. Oliver Wendell +Holmes, consound the lot--'" + +Now, then, the house's attention continued, but the expression of +interest in the faces turned to a sort of black frost. I wondered what +the trouble was. I didn't know. I went on, but with difficulty-- +I struggled along, and entered upon that miner's fearful description of +the bogus Emerson, the bogus Holmes, the bogus Longfellow, always hoping +--but with a gradually perishing hope that somebody--would laugh, or that +somebody would at least smile, but nobody did. I didn't know enough to +give it up and sit down, I was too new to public speaking, and so I went +on with this awful performance, and carried it clear through to the end, +in front of a body of people who seemed turned to stone with horror. +It was the sort of expression their faces would have worn if I had been +making these remarks about the Deity and the rest of the Trinity; there +is no milder way, in which to describe the petrified condition and the +ghastly expression of those people. + +When I sat down it was with a heart which had long ceased to beat. +I shall never be as dead again as I was then. I shall never be as +miserable again as I was then. I speak now as one who doesn't know what +the condition of things may be in the next world, but in this one I shall +never be as wretched again as I was then. Howells, who was near me, +tried to say a comforting word, but couldn't get beyond a gasp. There +was no use--he understood the whole size of the disaster. He had good +intentions, but the words froze before they could get out. It was an +atmosphere that would freeze anything. If Benvenuto Cellini's salamander +had been in that place he would not have survived to be put into +Cellini's autobiography. There was a frightful pause. There was an +awful silence, a desolating silence. Then the next man on the list had +to get up--there was no help for it. That was Bishop--Bishop had just +burst handsomely upon the world with a most acceptable novel, which had +appeared in The Atlantic Monthly, a place which would make any novel +respectable and any author noteworthy. In this case the novel itself was +recognized as being, without extraneous help, respectable. Bishop was +away up in the public favor, and he was an object of high interest, +consequently there was a sort of national expectancy in the air; we may +say our American millions were standing, from Maine to Texas and from +Alaska to Florida, holding their breath, their lips parted, their hands +ready to applaud, when Bishop should get up on that occasion, and for the +first time in his life speak in public. It was under these damaging +conditions that he got up to "make good," as the vulgar say. I had +spoken several times before, and that is the reason why I was able to go +on without dying in my tracks, as I ought to have done--but Bishop had +had no experience. He was up facing those awful deities--facing those +other people, those strangers--facing human beings for the first time in +his life, with a speech to utter. No doubt it was well packed away in +his memory, no doubt it was fresh and usable, until I had been heard +from. I suppose that after that, and under the smothering pall of that +dreary silence, it began to waste away and disappear out of his head like +the rags breaking from the edge of a fog, and presently there wasn't any +fog left. He didn't go on--he didn't last long. It was not many +sentence's after his first before he began to hesitate, and break, and +lose his grip, and totter, and wobble, and at last he slumped down in a +limp and mushy pile. + +Well, the programme for the occasion was probably not more than one- +third finished, but it ended there. Nobody rose. The next man hadn't +strength enough to get up, and everybody looked so dazed, so stupefied, +paralyzed; it was impossible for anybody to do anything, or even try. +Nothing could go on in that strange atmosphere. Howells mournfully, and +without words, hitched himself to Bishop and me and supported us out of +the room. It was very kind--he was most generous. He towed us tottering +away into same room in that building, and we sat down there. I don't +know what my remark was now, but I know the nature of it. It was the +kind of remark you make when you know that nothing in the world can help +your case. But Howells was honest--he had to say the heart-breaking +things he did say: that there was no help for this calamity, this +shipwreck, this cataclysm; that this was the most disastrous thing that +had ever happened in anybody's history--and then he added, "That is, for +you--and consider what you have done for Bishop. It is bad enough in +your case, you deserve, to suffer. You have committed this crime, and +you deserve to have all you are going to get. But here is an innocent +man. Bishop had never done you any harm, and see what you have done to +him. He can never hold his head up again. The world can never look upon +Bishop as being a live person. He is a corpse." + +That is the history of that episode of twenty-eight years ago, which +pretty nearly killed me with shame during that first year or two whenever +it forced its way into my mind. + +Now then, I take that speech up and examine it. As I said, it arrived +this morning, from Boston. I have read it twice, and unless I am an +idiot, it hasn't a single defect in it from the first word to the last. +It is just as good as good can be. It is smart; it is saturated with +humor. There isn't a suggestion of coarseness or vulgarity in it +anywhere. What could have been the matter with that house? It is +amazing, it is incredible, that they didn't shout with laughter, and +those deities the loudest of them all. Could the fault have been with +me? Did I lose courage when I saw those great men up there whom I was +going to describe in such a strange fashion? If that happened, if I +showed doubt, that can account for it, for you can't be successfully +funny if you show that you are afraid of it. Well, I can't account for +it, but if I had those beloved and revered old literary immortals back +here now on the platform at Carnegie Hall I would take that same old +speech, deliver it, word for word, and melt them till they'd run all over +that stage. Oh, the fault must have been with me, it is not in the +speech at all. + + + + + + +PLYMOUTH ROCK AND THE PILGRIMS + + ADDRESS AT THE FIRST ANNUAL DINNER, N. E. SOCIETY, + PHILADELPHIA, DECEMBER 22, 1881 + + On calling upon Mr. Clemens to make response, + President Rollins said: + + "This sentiment has been assigned to one who was never exactly + born in New England, nor, perhaps, were any of his ancestors. + He is not technically, therefore, of New England descent. + Under the painful circumstances in which he has found himself, + however, he has done the best he could--he has had all his + children born there, and has made of himself a New England + ancestor. He is a self-made man. More than this, and better + even, in cheerful, hopeful, helpful literature he is of New + England ascent. To ascend there in any thing that's reasonable + is difficult; for--confidentially, with the door shut--we all + know that they are the brightest, ablest sons of that goodly + land who never leave it, and it is among and above them that + Mr. Twain has made his brilliant and permanent ascent--become + a man of mark." + +I rise to protest. I have kept still for years; but really I think there +is no sufficient justification for this sort of thing. What do you want +to celebrate those people for?--those ancestors of yours of 1620--the +Mayflower tribe, I mean. What do you want to celebrate them for? Your +pardon: the gentleman at my left assures me that you are not celebrating +the Pilgrims themselves, but the landing of the Pilgrims at Plymouth rock +on the 22d of December. So you are celebrating their landing. Why, the +other pretext was thin enough, but this is thinner than ever; the other +was tissue, tinfoil, fish-bladder, but this is gold-leaf. Celebrating +their lauding! What was there remarkable about it, I would like to know? +What can you be thinking of? Why, those Pilgrims had been at sea three +or four months. It was the very middle of winter: it was as cold as +death off Cape Cod there. Why shouldn't they come ashore? If they +hadn't landed there would be some reason for celebrating the fact: It +would have been a case of monumental leatherheadedness which the world +would not willingly let die. If it had been you, gentlemen, you probably +wouldn't have landed, but you have no shadow of right to be celebrating, +in your ancestors, gifts which they did not exercise, but only +transmitted. Why, to be celebrating the mere landing of the Pilgrims-- +to be trying to make out that this most natural and simple and customary +procedure was an extraordinary circumstance--a circumstance to be amazed +at, and admired, aggrandized and glorified, at orgies like this for two +hundred and sixty years--hang it, a horse would have known enough to +land; a horse-- Pardon again; the gentleman on my right assures me that +it was not merely the landing of the Pilgrims that we are celebrating, +but the Pilgrims themselves. So we have struck an inconsistency here-- +one says it was the landing, the other says it was the Pilgrims. It is +an inconsistency characteristic of your intractable and disputatious +tribe, for you never agree about anything but Boston. Well, then, what +do you want to celebrate those Pilgrims for? They were a mighty hard +lot--you know it. I grant you, without the slightest unwillingness, that +they were a deal more gentle and merciful and just than were the people +of Europe of that day; I grant you that they are better than their +predecessors. But what of that?--that is nothing. People always +progress. You are better than your fathers and grandfathers were (this +is the first time I have ever aimed a measureless slander at the +departed, for I consider such things improper). Yes, those among you who +have not been in the penitentiary, if such there be, are better than your +fathers and grandfathers were; but is that any sufficient reason, for +getting up annual dinners and celebrating you? No, by no means--by no +means. Well, I repeat, those Pilgrims were a hard lot. They took good +care of themselves, but they abolished everybody else's ancestors. I am +a border-ruffian from the State of Missouri. I am a Connecticut Yankee +by adoption. In me, you have Missouri morals, Connecticut culture; this, +gentlemen, is the combination which makes the perfect man. But where are +my ancestors? Whom shall I celebrate? Where shall I find the raw +material? + +My first American ancestor, gentlemen, was an Indian--an early Indian. +Your ancestors skinned him alive, and I am an orphan. Not one drop of my +blood flows in that Indian's veins today. I stand here, lone and +forlorn, without an ancestor. They skinned him! I do not object to +that, if they needed his fur; but alive, gentlemen-alive! They skinned +him alive--and before company! That is what rankles. Think how he must +have felt; for he was a sensitive person and easily embarrassed. If he +had been a bird, it would have been all right, and no violence done to +his feelings, because he would have been considered "dressed." But he +was not a bird, gentlemen, he was a man, and probably one of the most +undressed men that ever was. I ask you to put yourselves in his place. +I ask it as a favor; I ask it as a tardy act of justice; I ask it in the +interest of fidelity to the traditions of your ancestors; I ask it that +the world may contemplate, with vision unobstructed by disguising +swallow-tails and white cravats, the spectacle which the true New England +Society ought to present. Cease to come to these annual orgies in this +hollow modern mockery--the surplusage of raiment. Come in character; +come in the summer grace, come in the unadorned simplicity, come in the +free and joyous costume which your sainted ancestors provided for mine. + +Later ancestors of mine were the Quakers William Robinson, Marmaduke +Stevenson, et al. Your tribe chased them put of the country for their +religion's sake; promised them death if they came back; for your +ancestors had forsaken the homes they loved, and braved the perils of the +sea, the implacable climate, and the savage wilderness, to acquire that +highest and most precious of boons, freedom for every man on this broad +continent to worship according to the dictates of his own conscience--and +they were not going to allow a lot of pestiferous Quakers to interfere +with it. Your ancestors broke forever the chains of political slavery, +and gave the vote to every man in this wide land, excluding none!--none +except those who did not belong to the orthodox church. Your ancestors-- +yes, they were a hard lot; but, nevertheless, they gave us religious +liberty to worship as they required us to worship, and political liberty +to vote as the church required; and so I the bereft one, I the forlorn +one, am here to do my best to help you celebrate them right. + +The Quaker woman Elizabeth Hooton was an ancestress of mine. Your people +were pretty severe with her you will confess that. But, poor thing! +I believe they changed her opinions before she died, and took her into +their fold; and so we have every reason to presume that when she died she +went to the same place which your ancestors went to. It is a great pity, +for she was a good woman. Roger Williams was an ancestor of mine. +I don't really remember what your people did with him. But they banished +him to Rhode Island, anyway. And then, I believe, recognizing that this +was really carrying harshness to an unjustifiable extreme, they took pity +on him and burned him. They were a hard lot! All those Salem witches +were ancestors of mine! Your people made it tropical for them. Yes, +they did; by pressure and the gallows they made such a clean deal with +them that there hasn't been a witch and hardly a halter in our family +from that day to this, and that is one hundred and eighty-nine years. +The first slave brought into New England out of Africa by your +progenitors was an ancestor of mine--for I am of a mixed breed, an +infinitely shaded and exquisite Mongrel. I'm not one of your sham +meerschaums that you can color in a week. No, my complexion is the +patient art of eight generations. Well, in my own time, I had acquired a +lot of my kin--by purchase, and swapping around, and one way and another +--and was getting along very well. Then, with the inborn perversity of +your lineage, you got up a war, and took them all away from me. And so, +again am I bereft, again am I forlorn; no drop of my blood flows in the +veins of any living being who is marketable. + +O my friends, hear me and reform! I seek your good, not mine. You have +heard the speeches. Disband these New England societies--nurseries of a +system of steadily augmenting laudation and hosannaing, which; if +persisted in uncurbed, may some day in the remote future beguile you into +prevaricating and bragging. Oh, stop, stop, while you are still +temperate in your appreciation of your ancestors! Hear me, I beseech +you; get up an auction and sell Plymouth Rock! The Pilgrims were a +simple and ignorant race. They never had seen any good rocks before, or +at least any that were not watched, and so they were excusable for +hopping ashore in frantic delight and clapping an iron fence around this +one. But you, gentlemen, are educated; you are enlightened; you know +that in the rich land of your nativity, opulent New England, overflowing +with rocks, this one isn't worth, at the outside, more than thirty-five +cents. Therefore, sell it, before it is injured by exposure, or at least +throw it open to the patent-medicine advertisements, and let it earn its +taxes: + +Yes, hear your true friend-your only true friend--list to his voice. +Disband these societies, hotbeds of vice, of moral decay--perpetuators of +ancestral superstition. Here on this board I see water, I see milk, I +see the wild and deadly lemonade. These are but steps upon the downward +path. Next we shall see tea, then chocolate, then coffee--hotel coffee. +A few more years--all too few, I fear--mark my words, we shall have +cider! Gentlemen, pause ere it be too late. You are on the broad road +which leads to dissipation, physical ruin, moral decay, gory crime and +the gallows! I beseech you, I implore you, in the name of your anxious +friends, in the name of your suffering families, in the name of your +impending widows and orphans, stop ere it be too late. Disband these New +England societies, renounce these soul-blistering saturnalia, cease from +varnishing the rusty reputations of your long-vanished ancestors--the +super-high-moral old iron-clads of Cape Cod, the pious buccaneers of +Plymouth Rock--go home, and try to learn to behave! + +However, chaff and nonsense aside, I think I honor and appreciate your +Pilgrim stock as much as you do yourselves, perhaps; and I endorse and +adopt a sentiment uttered by a grandfather of mine once--a man of sturdy +opinions, of sincere make of mind, and not given to flattery. He said: +"People may talk as they like about that Pilgrim stock, but, after all's +said and done, it would be pretty hard to improve on those people; and, +as for me, I don't mind coming out flatfooted and saying there ain't any +way to improve on them--except having them born in, Missouri!" + + + + + + +COMPLIMENTS AND DEGREES + + DELIVERED AT THE LOTOS CLUB, JANUARY 11, 1908 + + In introducing Mr. Clemens, Frank R. Lawrence, the President + of the Lotos Club, recalled the fact that the first club dinner + in the present club-house, some fourteen years ago, was in + honor of Mark Twain. + +I wish to begin this time at the beginning, lest I forget it altogether; +that is to say, I wish to thank you for this welcome that you are giving, +and the welcome which you gave me seven years ago, and which I forgot to +thank you for at that time. I also wish to thank you for the welcome you +gave me fourteen years ago, which I also forgot to thank you for at the +time. + +I hope you will continue this custom to give me a dinner every seven +years before I join the hosts in the other world--I do not know which +world. + +Mr. Lawrence and Mr. Porter have paid me many compliments. It is very +difficult to take compliments. I do not care whether you deserve the +compliments or not, it is just as difficult to take them. The other +night I was at the Engineers' Club, and enjoyed the sufferings of +Mr. Carnegie. They were complimenting him there; there it was all +compliments, and none of them deserved. They say that you cannot live +by bread alone, but I can live on compliments. + +I do not make any pretence that I dislike compliments. The stronger the +better, and I can manage to digest them. I think I have lost so much by +not making a collection of compliments, to put them away and take them +out again once in a while. When in England I said that I would start to +collect compliments, and I began there and I have brought some of them +along. + +The first one of these lies--I wrote them down and preserved them-- +I think they are mighty good and extremely just. It is one of Hamilton +Mabie's compliments. He said that La Salle was the first one to make a +voyage of the Mississippi, but Mark Twain was the first to chart, light, +and navigate it for the whole world. + +If that had been published at the time that I issued that book [Life on +the Mississippi], it would have been money in my pocket. I tell you, it +is a talent by itself to pay compliments gracefully and have them ring +true. It's an art by itself. + +Here is another compliment by Albert Bigelow Paine, my biographer. He is +writing four octavo volumes about me, and he has been at my elbow two and +one-half years. + +I just suppose that he does not know me, but says he knows me. He says +"Mark Twain is not merely a great writer, a great philosopher, a great +man; he is the supreme expression of the human being, with his strength +and his weakness." What a talent for compression! It takes a genius in +compression to compact as many facts as that. + +W. D. Howells spoke of me as first of Hartford, and ultimately of the +solar system, not to say of the universe: + +You know how modest Howells is. If it can be proved that my fame reaches +to Neptune and Saturn; that will satisfy even me. You know how modest +and retiring Howells seems to be, but deep down he is as vain as I am. + +Mr. Howells had been granted a degree at Oxford, whose gown was red. +He had been invited to an exercise at Columbia, and upon inquiry had been +told that it was usual to wear the black gown: Later he had found that +three other men wore bright gowns, and he had lamented that he had been +one of the black mass, and not a red torch. + +Edison wrote: "The average American loves his family. If he has any love +left over for some other person, he generally selects Mark Twain." + +Now here's the compliment of a little Montana girl which came to me +indirectly. She was in a room in which there was a large photograph of +me. After gazing at it steadily for a time, she said: + +"We've got a John the Baptist like that." She also said: "Only ours has +more trimmings." + +I suppose she meant the halo. Now here is a gold-miner's compliment. +It is forty-two years old. It was my introduction to an audience to +which I lectured in a log school-house. There were no ladies there. +I wasn't famous then. They didn't know me. Only the miners were there, +with their breeches tucked into their boottops and with clay all over +them. They wanted some one to introduce me, and they selected a miner, +who protested, saying: + +"I don't know anything about this man. Anyhow, I only know two things +about him. One is, he has never been in jail, and the other is, I don't +know why." + +There's one thing I want to say about that English trip. I knew his +Majesty the King of England long years ago, and I didn't meet him for the +first time then. One thing that I regret was that some newspapers said +I talked with the Queen of England with my hat on. I don't do that with +any woman. I did not put it on until she asked me to. Then she told me +to put it on, and it's a command there. I thought I had carried my +American democracy far enough. So I put it on. I have no use for a hat, +and never did have. + +Who was it who said that the police of London knew me? Why, the police +know me everywhere. There never was a day over there when a policeman +did not salute me, and then put up his hand and stop the traffic of the +world. They treated me as though I were a duchess. + +The happiest experience I had in England was at a dinner given in the +building of the Punch publication, a humorous paper which is appreciated +by all Englishmen. It was the greatest privilege ever allowed a +foreigner. I entered the dining-room of the building, where those men +get together who have been running the paper for over fifty years. We +were about to begin dinner when the toastmaster said: "Just a minute; +there ought to be a little ceremony." Then there was that meditating +silence for a while, and out of a closet there came a beautiful little +girl dressed in pink, holding in her hand a copy of the previous week's +paper, which had in it my cartoon. It broke me all up. I could not even +say "Thank you." That was the prettiest incident of the dinner, the +delight of all that wonderful table. When she was about to go; I said, +"My child, you are not going to leave me; I have hardly got acquainted +with you." She replied, "You know I've got to go; they never let me come +in here before, and they never will again." That is one of the beautiful +incidents that I cherish. + + [At the conclusion of his speech, and while the diners were + still cheering him, Colonel Porter brought forward the red-and- + gray gown of the Oxford "doctor," and Mr. Clemens was made to + don it. The diners rose to their feet in their enthusiasm. + With the mortar-board on his head, and looking down admiringly + at himself, Mr. Twain said--] + +I like that gown. I always did like red. The redder it is the better +I like it. I was born for a savage. Now, whoever saw any red like this? +There is no red outside the arteries of an archangel that could compare +with this. I know you all envy me. I am going to have luncheon shortly +with ladies just ladies. I will be the only lady of my sex present, and +I shall put on this gown and make those ladies look dim. + + + + + + +BOOKS, AUTHORS, AND HATS + + ADDRESS AT THE PILGRIMS' CLUB LUNCHEON, GIVEN IN HONOR OF Mr. + CLEMENS AT THE SAVOY HOTEL, LONDON, JUNE 25, 1907. + + Mr. Birrell, M.P., Chief-Secretary for Ireland, in introducing + Mr. Clemens said: "We all love Mark Twain, and we are here to + tell him so. One more point--all the world knows it, and that + is why it is dangerous to omit it--our guest is a distinguished + citizen of the Great Republic beyond the seas. In America his + 'Huckleberry Finn' and his 'Tom Sawyer' are what 'Robinson + Crusoe' and 'Tom Brown's School Days' have been to us. They + are racy of the soil. They are books to which it is impossible + to place any period of termination. I will not speak of the + classics--reminiscences of much evil in our early lives. We do + not meet here to-day as critics with our appreciations and + depreciations, our twopenny little prefaces or our forewords. + I am not going to say what the world a thousand years hence + will think of Mark Twain. Posterity will take care of itself, + will read what it wants to read, will forget what it chooses to + forget, and will pay no attention whatsoever to our critical + mumblings and jumblings. Let us therefore be content to say to + our friend and guest that we are here speaking for ourselves + and for our children, to say what he has been to us. I + remember in Liverpool, in 1867, first buying the copy, which I + still preserve, of the celebrated 'Jumping Frog.' It had a few + words of preface which reminded me then that our guest in those + days was called 'the wild humorist of the Pacific slope,' and a + few lines later down, 'the moralist of the Main.' That was + some forty years ago. Here he is, still the humorist, still + the moralist. His humor enlivens and enlightens his morality, + and his morality is all the better for his humor. That is one + of the reasons why we love him. I am not here to mention any + book of his--that is a subject of dispute in my family circle, + which is the best and which is the next best--but I must put in + a word, lest I should not be true to myself--a terrible thing-- + for his Joan of Arc, a book of chivalry, of nobility, and of + manly sincerity for which I take this opportunity of thanking + him. But you can all drink this toast, each one of you with + his own intention. You can get into it what meaning you like. + Mark Twain is a man whom English and Americans do well to + honor. He is the true consolidator of nations. His delightful + humor is of the kind which dissipates and destroys national + prejudices. His truth and his honor, his love of truth, and + his love of honor, overflow all boundaries. He has made the + world better by his presence. We rejoice to see him here. + Long may he live to reap the plentiful harvest of hearty, + honest human affection!" + +Pilgrims, I desire first to thank those undergraduates of Oxford. When a +man has grown so old as I am, when he has reached the verge of seventy- +two years, there is nothing that carries him back to the dreamland of his +life, to his boyhood, like recognition of those young hearts up yonder. +And so I thank them out of my heart. I desire to thank the Pilgrims of +New York also for their kind notice and message which they have cabled +over here. Mr. Birrell says he does not know how he got here. But he +will be able to get away all right--he has not drunk anything since he +came here. I am glad to know about those friends of his, Otway and +Chatterton--fresh, new names to me. I am glad of the disposition he has +shown to rescue them from the evils of poverty, and if they are still in +London, I hope to have a talk with them. For a while I thought he was +going to tell us the effect which my book had upon his growing manhood. +I thought he was going to tell us how much that effect amounted to, and +whether it really made him what he now is, but with the discretion born +of Parliamentary experience he dodged that, and we do not know now +whether he read the book or not. He did that very neatly. I could not +do it any better myself. + +My books have had effects, and very good ones, too, here and there, and +some others not so good. There is no doubt about that. But I remember +one monumental instance of it years and years ago. Professor Norton, of +Harvard, was over here, and when he came back to Boston I went out with +Howells to call on him. Norton was allied in some way by marriage with +Darwin. + +Mr. Norton was very gentle in what he had to say, and almost delicate, +and he said: "Mr. Clemens, I have been spending some time with Mr. Darwin +in England, and I should like to tell you something connected with that +visit. You were the object of it, and I myself would have been very +proud of it, but you may not be proud of it. At any rate, I am going to +tell you what it was, and to leave to you to regard it as you please. +Mr. Darwin took me up to his bedroom and pointed out certain things +there-pitcher-plants, and so on, that he was measuring and watching from +day to day--and he said: 'The chambermaid is permitted to do what she +pleases in this room, but she must never touch those plants and never +touch those books on that table by that candle. With those books I read +myself to sleep every night.' Those were your own books." I said: +"There is no question to my mind as to whether I should regard that as a +compliment or not. I do regard it as a very great compliment and a very +high honor that that great mind, laboring for the whole human race, +should rest itself on my books. I am proud that he should read himself +to sleep with them." + +Now, I could not keep that to myself--I was so proud of it. As soon as I +got home to Hartford I called up my oldest friend--and dearest enemy on +occasion--the Rev. Joseph Twichell, my pastor, and I told him about that, +and, of course, he was full of interest and venom. Those people who get +no compliments like that feel like that. He went off. He did not issue +any applause of any kind, and I did not hear of that subject for some +time. But when Mr. Darwin passed away from this life, and some time +after Darwin's Life and Letters came out, the Rev. Mr. Twichell procured +an early copy of that work and found something in it which he considered +applied to me. He came over to my house--it was snowing, raining, +sleeting, but that did not make any difference to Twichell. He produced +the book, and turned over and over, until he came to a certain place, +when he said: "Here, look at this letter from Mr. Darwin to Sir Joseph +Hooker." What Mr. Darwin said--I give you the idea and not the very +words--was this: I do not know whether I ought to have devoted my whole +life to these drudgeries in natural history and the other sciences or +not, for while I may have gained in one way I have lost in another. Once +I had a fine perception and appreciation of high literature, but in me +that quality is atrophied. "That was the reason," said Mr. Twichell, "he +was reading your books." + +Mr. Birrell has touched lightly--very lightly, but in not an +uncomplimentary way--on my position in this world as a moralist. I am +glad to have that recognition, too, because I have suffered since I have +been in this town; in the first place, right away, when I came here, from +a newsman going around with a great red, highly displayed placard in the +place of an apron. He was selling newspapers, and there were two +sentences on that placard which would have been all right if they had +been punctuated; but they ran those two sentences together without a +comma or anything, and that would naturally create a wrong impression, +because it said, "Mark Twain arrives Ascot Cup stolen." No doubt many a +person was misled by those sentences joined together in that unkind way. +I have no doubt my character has suffered from it. I suppose I ought to +defend my character, but how can I defend it? I can say here and now-- +and anybody can see by my face that I am sincere, that I speak the truth- +-that I have never seen that Cup. I have not got the Cup--I did not have +a chance to get it. I have always had a good character in that way. I +have hardly ever stolen anything, and if I did steal anything I had +discretion enough to know about the value of it first. I do not steal +things that are likely to get myself into trouble. I do not think any of +us do that. I know we all take things--that is to be expected--but +really, I have never taken anything, certainly in England, that amounts +to any great thing. I do confess that when I was here seven years ago I +stole a hat, but that did not amount to anything. It was not a good hat, +and was only a clergyman's hat, anyway. + +I was at a luncheon party, and Archdeacon Wilberforce was there also. I +dare say he is Archdeacon now--he was a canon then--and he was serving in +the Westminster battery, if that is the proper term--I do not know, as +you mix military and ecclesiastical things together so much. He left the +luncheon table before I did. He began this. I did steal his hat, but he +began by taking mine. I make that interjection because I would not +accuse Archdeacon Wilberforce of stealing my hat--I should not think of +it. I confine that phrase to myself. He merely took my hat. +And with good judgment, too--it was a better hat than his. He came out +before the luncheon was over, and sorted the hats in the hall, and +selected one which suited. It happened to be mine. He went off with it. +When I came out by-and-by there was no hat there which would go on my +head except his, which was left behind. My head was not the customary +size just at that time. I had been receiving a good many very nice and +complimentary attentions, and my head was a couple of sizes larger than +usual, and his hat just suited me. The bumps and corners were all right +intellectually. There were results pleasing to me--possibly so to him. +He found out whose hat it was, and wrote me saying it was pleasant that +all the way home, whenever he met anybody his gravities, his solemnities, +his deep thoughts, his eloquent remarks were all snatched up by the +people he met, and mistaken for brilliant humorisms. + +I had another experience. It was not unpleasing. I was received with a +deference which was entirely foreign to my experience by everybody whom I +met, so that before I got home I had a much higher opinion of myself than +I have ever had before or since. And there is in that very connection an +incident which I remember at that old date which is rather melancholy to +me, because it shows how a person can deteriorate in a mere seven years. +It is seven years ago. I have not that hat now. I was going down Pall- +Mall, or some other of your big streets, and I recognized that that hat +needed ironing. I went into a big shop and passed in my hat, and asked +that it might be ironed. They were courteous, very courteous, even +courtly. They brought that hat back to me presently very sleek and nice, +and I asked how much there was to pay. They replied that they did not +charge the clergy anything. I have cherished the delight of that moment +from that day to this. It was the first thing I did the other day to go +and hunt up that shop and hand in my hat to have it ironed. I said when +it came back, "How much to pay?" They said, "Ninepence." In seven years +I have acquired all that worldliness, and I am sorry to be back where I +was seven years ago. + +But now I am chaffing and chaffing and chaffing here, and I hope you will +forgive me for that; but when a man stands on the verge of seventy-two +you know perfectly well that he never reached that place without knowing +what this life is heart-breaking bereavement. And so our reverence is +for our dead. We do not forget them; but our duty is toward the living; +and if we can be cheerful, cheerful in spirit, cheerful in speech and in +hope, that is a benefit to those who are around us. + +My own history includes an incident which will always connect me with +England in a pathetic way, for when I arrived here seven years ago with +my wife and my daughter--we had gone around the globe lecturing to raise +money to clear off a debt--my wife and one of my daughters started across +the ocean to bring to England our eldest daughter. She was twenty four +years of age and in the bloom of young womanhood, and we were +unsuspecting. When my wife and daughter--and my wife has passed from +this life since--when they had reached mid Atlantic, a cablegram--one of +those heartbreaking cablegrams which we all in our days have to +experience--was put into my hand. It stated that that daughter of ours +had gone to her long sleep. And so, as I say, I cannot always be +cheerful, and I cannot always be chaffing; I must sometimes lay the cap +and bells aside, and recognize that I am of the human race like the rest, +and must have my cares and griefs. And therefore I noticed what Mr. +Birrell said--I was so glad to hear him say it--something that was in the +nature of these verses here at the top of this: + + He lit our life with shafts of sun + And vanquished pain. + Thus two great nations stand as one + In honoring Twain." + +I am very glad to have those verses. I am very glad and very grateful +for what Mr. Birrell said in that connection. I have received since I +have been here, in this one week, hundreds of letters from all conditions +of people in England--men, women, and children--and there is in them +compliment, praise, and, above all and better than all, there is in them +a note of affection. Praise is well, compliment is well, but affection +--that is the last and final and most precious reward that any man can +win, whether by character or achievement, and I am very grateful to have +that reward. All these letters make me feel that here in England--as in +America--when I stand under the English flag, I am not a stranger. I am +not an alien, but at home. + + + + + + +DEDICATION SPEECH + + AT THE DEDICATION OF THE COLLEGE OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, + MAY 16, 1908 + + Mr. Clemens wore his gown as Doctor of Laws, Oxford University. + Ambassador Bryce and Mr. Choate had made the formal addresses. + +How difficult, indeed, is the higher education. Mr. Choate needs a +little of it. He is not only short as a statistician of New York, but he +is off, far off, in his mathematics. The four thousand citizens of +Greater New York, indeed! + +But I don't think it was wise or judicious on the part of Mr. Choate to +show this higher education he has obtained. He sat in the lap of that +great education (I was there at the time), and see the result--the +lamentable result. Maybe if he had had a sandwich here to sustain him +the result would not have been so serious. + +For seventy-two years I have been striving to acquire that higher +education which stands for modesty and diffidence, and it doesn't work. + +And then look at Ambassador Bryce, who referred to his alma mater, +Oxford. He might just as well have included me. Well, I am a later +production. + +If I am the latest graduate, I really and sincerely hope I am not the +final flower of its seven centuries; I hope it may go on for seven ages +longer. + + + + + + +DIE SCHRECKEN DER DEUTSCHEN SPRACHE [THE HORRORS OF THE GERMAN LANGUAGE] + + ADDRESS TO THE VIENNA PRESS CLUB, NOVEMBER 21, 1897, + DELIVERED IN GERMAN [Here in literal translation] + +It has me deeply touched, my gentlemen, here so hospitably received to +be. From colleagues out of my own profession, in this from my own home +so far distant land. My heart is full of gratitude, but my poverty of +German words forces me to greater economy of expression. Excuse you, my +gentlemen, that I read off, what I you say will. [But he didn't read]. + +The German language speak I not good, but have numerous connoisseurs me +assured that I her write like an angel. Maybe--maybe--I know not. Have +till now no acquaintance with the angels had. That comes later--when it +the dear God please--it has no hurry. + +Since long, my gentlemen, have I the passionate longing nursed a speech +on German to hold, but one has me not permitted. Men, who no feeling for +the art had, laid me ever hindrance in the way and made naught my desire +--sometimes by excuses, often by force. Always said these men to me: +"Keep you still, your Highness! Silence! For God's sake seek another +way and means yourself obnoxious to make." + +In the present case, as usual it is me difficult become, for me the +permission to obtain. The committee sorrowed deeply, but could me the +permission not grant on account of a law which from the Concordia demands +she shall the German language protect. Du liebe Zeit! How so had one to +me this say could--might--dared--should? I am indeed the truest friend +of the German language--and not only now, but from long since--yes, +before twenty years already. And never have I the desire had the noble +language to hurt; to the contrary, only wished she to improve--I would +her only reform. It is the dream of my life been. I have already visits +by the various German governments paid and for contracts prayed. I am +now to Austria in the same task come. I would only some changes effect. +I would only the language method--the luxurious, elaborate construction +compress, the eternal parenthesis suppress, do away with, annihilate; the +introduction of more than thirteen subjects in one sentence forbid; the +verb so far to the front pull that one it without a telescope discover +can. With one word, my gentlemen, I would your beloved language simplify +so that, my gentlemen, when you her for prayer need, One her yonder-up +understands. + +I beseech you, from me yourself counsel to let, execute these mentioned +reforms. Then will you an elegant language possess, and afterward, when +you some thing say will, will you at least yourself understand what you +said had. But often nowadays, when you a mile-long sentence from you +given and you yourself somewhat have rested, then must you have a +touching inquisitiveness have yourself to determine what you actually +spoken have. Before several days has the correspondent of a local paper +a sentence constructed which hundred and twelve words contain, and +therein were seven parentheses smuggled in, and the subject seven times +changed. Think you only, my gentlemen, in the course of the voyage of a +single sentence must the poor, persecuted, fatigued subject seven times +change position! + +Now, when we the mentioned reforms execute, will it no longer so bad be. +Doch noch eins. I might gladly the separable verb also a little bit +reform. I might none do let what Schiller did: he has the whole history +of the Thirty Years' War between the two members of a separable verb in- +pushed. That has even Germany itself aroused, and one has Schiller the +permission refused the History of the Hundred Years' War to compose--God +be it thanked! After all these reforms established be will, will the +German language the noblest and the prettiest on the world be. + +Since to you now, my gentlemen, the character of my mission known is, +beseech I you so friendly to be and to me your valuable help grant. +Mr. Potzl has the public believed make would that I to Vienna come am in +order the bridges to clog up and the traffic to hinder, while I +observations gather and note. Allow you yourselves but not from him +deceived. My frequent presence on the bridges has an entirely innocent +ground. Yonder gives it the necessary space, yonder can one a noble long +German sentence elaborate, the bridge-railing along, and his whole +contents with one glance overlook. On the one end of the railing pasted +I the first member of a separable verb and the final member cleave I to +the other end--then spread the body of the sentence between it out! +Usually are for my purposes the bridges of the city long enough; when I +but Potzl's writings study will I ride out and use the glorious endless +imperial bridge. But this is a calumny; Potzl writes the prettiest +German. Perhaps not so pliable as the mine, but in many details much +better. Excuse you these flatteries. These are well deserved. + +Now I my speech execute-no, I would say I bring her to the close. I am a +foreigner--but here, under you, have I it entirely forgotten. And so +again and yet again proffer I you my heartiest thanks." + + + + + + +GERMAN FOR THE HUNGARIANS + + ADDRESS AT THE JUBILEE CELEBRATION OF THE EMANCIPATION OF THE + HUNGARIAN PRESS, MARCH 26, 1899 + + The Ministry and members of Parliament were present. The + subject was the "Ausgleich"--i. e., the arrangement for the + apportionment of the taxes between Hungary and Austria. + Paragraph 14 of the ausgleich fixes the proportion each country + must pay to the support of the army. It is the paragraph which + caused the trouble and prevented its renewal. + +Now that we are all here together, I think it will be a good idea to +arrange the ausgleich. If you will act for Hungary I shall be quite +willing to act for Austria, and this is the very time for it. There +couldn't be a better, for we are all feeling friendly, fair-minded, and +hospitable now, and, full of admiration for each other, full of +confidence in each other, full of the spirit of welcome, full of the +grace of forgiveness, and the disposition to let bygones be bygones. + +Let us not waste this golden, this beneficent, this providential +opportunity. I am willing to make any concession you want, just so we +get it settled. I am not only willing to let grain come in free, I am +willing to pay the freight on it, and you may send delegates to the +Reichsrath if you like. All I require is that they shall be quiet, +peaceable people like your own deputies, and not disturb our proceedings. + +If you want the Gegenseitigengeldbeitragendenverhaltnismassigkeiten +rearranged and readjusted I am ready for that. I will let you off at +twenty-eight per cent. --twenty-seven--even twenty-five if you insist, +for there is nothing illiberal about me when I am out on a diplomatic +debauch. + +Now, in return for these concessions, I am willing to take anything in +reason, and I think we may consider the business settled and the +ausgleich ausgegloschen at last for ten solid years, and we will sign the +papers in blank, and do it here and now. + +Well, I am unspeakably glad to have that ausgleich off my hands. It has +kept me awake nights for anderthalbjahr. + +But I never could settle it before, because always when I called at the +Foreign Office in Vienna to talk about it, there wasn't anybody at home, +and that is not a place where you can go in and see for yourself whether +it is a mistake or not, because the person who takes care of the front +door there is of a size that discourages liberty of action and the free +spirit of investigation. To think the ausgleich is abgemacht at last! +It is a grand and beautiful consummation, and I am glad I came. + +The way I feel now I do honestly believe I would rather be just my own +humble self at this moment than paragraph 14. + + + + + + +A NEW GERMAN WORD + + To aid a local charity Mr. Clemens appeared before a + fashionable audience in Vienna, March 10, 1899, reading his + sketch "The Lucerne Girl," and describing how he had been + interviewed and ridiculed. He said in part: + +I have not sufficiently mastered German, to allow my using it with +impunity. My collection of fourteen-syllable German words is still +incomplete. But I have just added to that collection a jewel-- +a veritable jewel. I found it in a telegram from Linz, and it contains +ninety-five letters: + +Personaleinkommensteuerschatzungskommissionsmitgliedsreisekostenrechnungs +erganzungsrevisionsfund + +If I could get a similar word engraved upon my tombstone I should sleep +beneath it in peace. + + + + + + +UNCONSCIOUS PLAGIARISM + + DELIVERED AT THE DINNER GIVEN BY THE PUBLISHERS OF "THE + ATLANTIC MONTHLY" TO OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES, IN HONOR OF HIS + SEVENTIETH BIRTHDAY, AUGUST 29, 1879 + +I would have travelled a much greater distance than I have come to +witness the paying of honors to Doctor Holmes; for my feeling toward him +has always been one of peculiar warmth. When one receives a letter from +a great man for the first time in his life, it is a large event to him, +as all of you know by your own experience. You never can receive letters +enough from famous men afterward to obliterate that one, or dim the +memory of the pleasant surprise it was, and the gratification it gave +you. Lapse of time cannot make it commonplace or cheap. + +Well, the first great man who ever wrote me a letter was our guest-- +Oliver Wendell Holmes. He was also the first great literary man I ever +stole anything from--and that is how I came to write to him and he to me. +When my first book was new, a friend of mine said to me, "The dedication +is very neat." Yes, I said, I thought it was. My friend said, "I always +admired it, even before I saw it in The Innocents Abroad." I naturally +said: "What do you mean? Where did you ever see it before?" "Well, I +saw it first some years ago as Doctor Holmes's dedication to his Songs in +Many Keys." Of course, my first impulse was to prepare this man's +remains for burial, but upon reflection I said I would reprieve him for a +moment or two and give him a chance to prove his assertion if he could: +We stepped into a book-store, and he did prove it. I had really stolen +that dedication, almost word for word. I could not imagine how this +curious thing had happened; for I knew one thing--that a certain amount +of pride always goes along with a teaspoonful of brains, and that this +pride protects a man from deliberately stealing other people's ideas. +That is what a teaspoonful of brains will do for a man--and admirers had +often told me I had nearly a basketful--though they were rather reserved +as to the size of the basket. + +However, I thought the thing out, and solved the mystery. Two years +before, I had been laid up a couple of weeks in the Sandwich Islands, and +had read and re-read Doctor Holmes's poems till my mental reservoir was +filled up with them to the brim. The dedication lay on the top, and +handy, so, by-and-by, I unconsciously stole it. Perhaps I unconsciously +stole the rest of the volume, too, for many people have told me that my +book was pretty poetical, in one way or another. Well, of course, I +wrote Doctor Holmes and told him I hadn't meant to steal, and he wrote +back and said in the kindest way that it was all right and no harm done; +and added that he believed we all unconsciously worked over ideas +gathered in reading and hearing, imagining they were original with +ourselves. He stated a truth, and did it in such a pleasant way, and +salved over my sore spot so gently and so healingly, that I was rather +glad I had committed the crime, far the sake of the letter. I afterward +called on him and told him to make perfectly free with any ideas of mine +that struck him as being good protoplasm for poetry. He could see by +that that there wasn't anything mean about me; so we got along right from +the start. I have not met Doctor Holmes many times since; and lately he +said-- However, I am wandering wildly away from the one thing which I got +on my feet to do; that is, to make my compliments to you, my fellow- +teachers of the great public, and likewise to say that I am right glad to +see that Doctor Holmes is still in his prime and full of generous life; +and as age is not determined by years, but by trouble and infirmities of +mind and body, I hope it may be a very long time yet before any one can +truthfully say, "He is growing old." + + + + + + +THE WEATHER + + ADDRESS AT THE NEW ENGLAND SOCIETY'S SEVENTY FIRST + ANNUAL DINNER, NEW YORK CITY + +The next toast was: "The Oldest Inhabitant-The Weather of New England." + + Who can lose it and forget it? + Who can have it and regret it? + Be interposer 'twixt us Twain." + --Merchant of Venice. + +I reverently believe that the Maker who made us all makes everything in +New England but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it +must be raw apprentices in the weather-clerk's factory who experiment and +learn how, in New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted +to make weather for countries that require a good article, and will take +their custom elsewhere if they don't get it. There is a sumptuous +variety about the New England weather that compels the stranger's +admiration--and regret. The weather is always doing something there; +always attending strictly to business; always getting up new designs and +trying them on the people to see how they will go. But it gets through +more business in spring than in any other season. In the spring I have +counted one hundred and thirty-six different kinds of weather inside of +four-and-twenty hours. It was I that made the fame and fortune of that +man that had that marvellous collection of weather on exhibition at the +Centennial, that so astounded the foreigners. He was going to travel all +over the world and get specimens from all the climes. I said, "Don't you +do it; you come to New England on a favorable spring day." I told him +what we could do in the way of style, variety, and quantity. Well, he +came and he made his collection in four days. As to variety, why, he +confessed that he got hundreds of kinds of weather that he had never +heard of before. And as to quantity well, after he had picked out and +discarded all that was blemished in any way, he not only had weather +enough, but weather to spare; weather to hire out; weather to sell; to +deposit; weather to invest; weather to give to the poor. The people of +New England are by nature patient and forbearing, but there are some +things which they will not stand. Every year they kill a lot of poets +for writing about "Beautiful Spring." These are generally casual +visitors, who bring their notions of spring from somewhere else, and +cannot, of course, know how the natives feel about spring. And so the +first thing they know the opportunity to inquire how they feel has +permanently gone by. Old Probabilities has a mighty reputation for +accurate prophecy, and thoroughly well deserves it. You take up the +paper and observe how crisply and confidently he checks off what to-day's +weather is going to be on the Pacific, down South, in the Middle States, +in the Wisconsin region. See him sail along in the joy and pride of his +power till he gets to New England, and then see his tail drop. +He doesn't know what the weather is going to be in New England. +Well, he mulls over it, and by and-by he gets out something about like +this: Probably northeast to southwest winds, varying to the southward +and westward and eastward, and points between, high and low barometer +swapping around from place to place; probable areas of rain, snow, hail, +and drought, succeeded or preceded by earthquakes, with thunder and +lightning. Then he jots down his postscript from his wandering mind, to +cover accidents. "But it is possible that the programme may be wholly +changed in the mean time." Yes, one of the brightest gems in the New +England weather is the dazzling uncertainty of it. There is only one +thing certain about it: you are certain there is going to be plenty of +it--a perfect grand review; but you never can tell which end of the +procession is going to move first. You fix up for the drought; you leave +your umbrella in the house and sally out, and two to one you get +drowned. You make up your mind that the earthquake is due; you stand +from under, and take hold of something to steady yourself, and the first +thing you know you get struck by lightning. These are great +disappointments; but they can't be helped. The lightning there is +peculiar; it is so convincing, that when it strikes a thing it doesn't +leave enough of that thing behind for you to tell whether--Well, you'd +think it was something valuable, and a Congressman had been there. +And the thunder. When the thunder begins to merely tune up and scrape +and saw, and key up the instruments for the performance, strangers say, +"Why, what awful thunder you have here!" But when the baton is raised and +the real concert begins, you'll find that stranger down in the cellar +with his head in the ash-barrel. Now as to the size of the weather in +New England--lengthways, I mean. It is utterly disproportioned to the +size of that little country. Half the time, when it is packed as full as +it can stick, you will see that New England weather sticking out beyond +the edges and projecting around hundreds and hundreds of miles over the +neighboring States. She can't hold a tenth part of her weather. You can +see cracks all about where she has strained herself trying to do it. +I could speak volumes about the inhuman perversity of the New England +weather, but I will give but a single specimen. I like to hear rain on a +tin roof. So I covered part of my roof with tin, with an eye to that +luxury. Well, sir, do you think it ever rains on that tin? No, sir; +skips it every time. Mind, in this speech I have been trying merely to +do honor to the New England weather--no language could do it justice. +But, after all, there is at least one or two things about that weather +(or, if you please, effects produced by it) which we residents would not +like to part with. If we hadn't our bewitching autumn foliage, we should +still have to credit the weather with one feature which compensates for +all its bullying vagaries--the ice-storm: when a leafless tree is clothed +with ice from the bottom to the top--ice that is as bright and clear as +crystal; when every bough and twig is strung with ice-beads, frozen dew- +drops, and the whole tree sparkles cold and white, like the Shah of +Persia's diamond plume. Then the wind waves the branches and the sun +comes out and turns all those myriads of beads and drops to prisms that +glow and burn and flash with all manner of colored fires, which change +and change again with inconceivable rapidity from blue to red, from red +to green, and green to gold--the tree becomes a spraying fountain, a very +explosion of dazzling jewels; and it stands there the acme, the climax, +the supremest possibility in art or nature, of bewildering, intoxicating, +intolerable magnificence. One cannot make the words too strong. + + + + + + +THE BABIES + +THE BABIES + + DELIVERED AT THE BANQUET, IN CHICAGO, GIVEN BY THE ARMY OF THE + TENNESSEE TO THEIR FIRST COMMANDER, GENERAL U. S. GRANT, + NOVEMBER, 1879 + + The fifteenth regular toast was "The Babies.--As they comfort + us in our sorrows, let us not forget them in our festivities." + +I like that. We have not all had the good fortune to be ladies. We have +not all been generals, or poets, or statesmen; but when the toast works +down to the babies, we stand on common ground. It is a shame that for a +thousand years the world's banquets have utterly ignored the baby, as if +he didn't amount to anything. If you will stop and think a minute--if +you will go back fifty or one hundred years to your early married life +and recontemplate your first baby--you will remember that he amounted to +a good deal, and even something over. You soldiers all know that when +that little fellow arrived at family headquarters you had to hand in your +resignation. He took entire command. You became his lackey, his mere +body-servant, and you had to stand around too. He was not a commander +who made allowances for time, distance, weather, or anything else. You +had to execute his order whether it was possible or not. And there was +only one form of marching in his manual of tactics, and that was the +double-quick. He treated you with every sort of insolence and +disrespect, and the bravest of you didn't dare to say a word. You could +face the death-storm at Donelson and Vicksburg, and give back blow for +blow; but when he clawed your whiskers, and pulled your hair, and twisted +your nose, you had to take it. When the thunders of war were sounding in +your ears you set your faces toward the batteries, and advanced with +steady tread; but when he turned on the terrors of his war whoop you +advanced in the other direction, and mighty glad of the chance, too. +When he called for soothing-syrup, did you venture to throw out any side- +remarks about certain services being unbecoming an officer and a +gentleman? No. You got up and got it. When he ordered his pap bottle +and it was not warm, did you talk back? Not you. You went to work and +warmed it. You even descended so far in your menial office as to take a +suck at that warm, insipid stuff yourself, to see if it was right--three +parts water to one of milk, a touch of sugar to modify the colic, and a +drop of peppermint to kill those immortal hiccoughs. I can taste that +stuff yet. And how many things you learned as you went along! +Sentimental young folks still take stock in that beautiful old saying +that when the baby smiles in his sleep, it is because the angels are +whispering to him. Very pretty, but too thin--simply wind on the +stomach, my friends. If the baby proposed to take a walk at his usual +hour, two o'clock in the morning, didn't you rise up promptly and remark, +with a mental addition which would not improve a Sunday-school book much, +that that was the very thing you were about to propose yourself? Oh! +you were under good discipline, and as you went fluttering up and down +the room in your undress uniform, you not only prattled undignified baby- +talk, but even tuned up your martial voices and tried to sing!--Rock a-by +Baby in the Tree-top, for instance. What a spectacle far an Army of the +Tennessee! And what an affliction for the neighbors, too; for it is not +everybody within, a mile around that likes military music at three in the +morning. And, when you had been keeping this sort of thing up two or +three hours, and your little velvet head intimated that nothing suited +him like exercise and noise, what did you do? You simply went on until +you dropped in the last ditch. The idea that a baby doesn't amount to +anything! Why, one baby is just a house and a front yard full by itself. +One baby can, furnish more business than you and your whole Interior +Department can attend to. He is enterprising, irrepressible, brimful of +lawless activities. Do what you please, you can't make him stay on the +reservation. Sufficient unto the day is one baby. As long as you are in +your right mind don't you ever pray for twins. Twins amount to a +permanent riot. And there ain't any real difference between triplets and +an insurrection. + +Yes, it was high time for a toast-master to recognize the importance of +the babies. Think what is in store for the present crop! Fifty years +from now we shall all be dead, I trust, and then this flag, if it still +survive (and let us hope it may), will be floating over a Republic +numbering 200,000,000 souls, according to the settled laws of our +increase. Our present schooner of State will have grown into a political +leviathan--a Great Eastern. The cradled babies of to-day will be on +deck. Let them be well trained, for we are going to leave a big contract +on their hands. Among the three or four million cradles now rocking in +the land are some which this nation would preserve for ages as sacred +things, if we could know which ones they are. In one of these cradles +the unconscious Farragut of the future is at this moment teething think +of it! and putting in a world of dead earnest, unarticulated, but +perfectly justifiable profanity over it, too. In another the future +renowned astronomer is blinking at the shining Milky Way with but a +languid interest poor little chap!--and wondering what has become of that +other one they call the wet-nurse. In another the future great historian +is lying--and doubtless will continue to lie until his earthly mission is +ended. In another the future President is busying himself with no +profounder problem of state than what the mischief has become of his hair +so early; and in a mighty array of other cradles there are now some +60,000 future office-seekers, getting ready to furnish him occasion to +grapple with that same old problem a second, time. And in still one more +cradle, some where under the flag, the future illustrious commander-in- +chief of the American armies is so little burdened with his approaching +grandeurs and responsibilities as to be giving his whole strategic mind +at this moment to trying to find out some way to get his big toe into his +mouth--an achievement which, meaning no disrespect, the illustrious guest +of this evening turned his entire attention to some fifty-six years ago; +and if the child is but a prophecy of the man, there are mighty few who +will doubt that he succeeded. + + + + + + +OUR CHILDREN AND GREAT DISCOVERIES + + DELIVERED AT THE AUTHORS' CLUB, NEW YORK + +Our children--yours--and--mine. They seem like little things to talk +about--our children, but little things often make up the sum of human +life--that's a good sentence. I repeat it, little things often produce +great things. Now, to illustrate, take Sir Isaac Newton--I presume some +of you have heard of Mr. Newton. Well, once when Sir Isaac Newton-- +a mere lad--got over into the man's apple orchard--I don't know what he +was doing there--I didn't come all the way from Hartford to q-u-e-s-t-i- +o-n Mr. Newton's honesty--but when he was there--in the main orchard-- +he saw an apple fall and he was a-t-t-racted toward it, and that led to +the discovery--not of Mr. Newton but of the great law of attraction and +gravitation. + +And there was once another great discoverer--I've forgotten his name, +and I don't remember what he discovered, but I know it was something very +important, and I hope you will all tell your children about it when you +get home. Well, when the great discoverer was once loafn' around down in +Virginia, and a-puttin' in his time flirting with Pocahontas--oh! +Captain John Smith, that was the man's name--and while he and Poca were +sitting in Mr. Powhatan's garden, he accidentally put his arm around her +and picked something simple weed, which proved to be tobacco--and now we +find it in every Christian family, shedding its civilizing influence +broadcast throughout the whole religious community. + +Now there was another great man, I can't think of his name either, who +used to loaf around and watch the great chandelier in the cathedral at +Pisa., which set him to thinking about the great law of gunpowder, and +eventually led to the discovery of the cotton-gin. + +Now, I don't say this as an inducement for our young men to loaf around +like Mr. Newton and Mr. Galileo and Captain Smith, but they were once +little babies two days old, and they show what little things have +sometimes accomplished. + + + + + + +EDUCATING THEATRE-GOERS + + The children of the Educational Alliance gave a performance of + "The Prince and the Pauper" on the afternoon of April 14, 1907, + in the theatre of the Alliance Building in East Broadway. The + audience was composed of nearly one thousand children of the + neighborhood. Mr. Clemens, Mr. Howells, and Mr. Daniel Frohman + were among the invited guests. + +I have not enjoyed a play so much, so heartily, and so thoroughly since I +played Miles Hendon twenty-two years ago. I used to play in this piece +(" The Prince and the Pauper") with my children, who, twenty-two years +ago, were little youngsters. One of my daughters was the Prince, and a +neighbor's daughter was the Pauper, and the children of other neighbors +played other parts. But we never gave such a performance as we have seen +here to-day. It would have been beyond us. + +My late wife was the dramatist and stage-manager. Our coachman was the +stage-manager, second in command. We used to play it in this simple way, +and the one who used to bring in the crown on a cushion--he was a little +fellow then--is now a clergyman way up high--six or seven feet high--and +growing higher all the time. We played it well, but not as well as you +see it here, for you see it done by practically trained professionals. + +I was especially interested in the scene which we have just had, for +Miles Hendon was my part. I did it as well as a person could who never +remembered his part. The children all knew their parts. They did not +mind if I did not know mine. I could thread a needle nearly as well as +the player did whom you saw to-day. The words of my part I could supply +on the spot. The words of the song that Miles Hendon sang here I did not +catch. But I was great in that song. + + [Then Mr. Clemens hummed a bit of doggerel that the reporter + made out as this: + + "There was a woman in her town, + She loved her husband well, + But another man just twice as well." + + "How is that?" demanded Mr. Clemens. Then resuming] + +It was so fresh and enjoyable to make up a new set of words each time +that I played the part. + +If I had a thousand citizens in front of me, I would like to give them +information, but you children already know all that I have found out +about the Educational Alliance. It's like a man living within thirty +miles of Vesuvius and never knowing about a volcano. It's like living +for a lifetime in Buffalo, eighteen miles from Niagara, and never going +to see the Falls. So I had lived in New York and knew nothing about the +Educational Alliance. + +This theatre is a part of the work, and furnishes pure and clean plays. +This theatre is an influence. Everything in the world is accomplished by +influences which train and educate. When you get to be seventy-one and a +half, as I am, you may think that your education is over, but it isn't. + +If we had forty theatres of this kind in this city of four millions, how +they would educate and elevate! We should have a body of educated +theatre-goers. + +It would make better citizens, honest citizens. One of the best gifts a +millionaire could make would be a theatre here and a theatre there. It +would make of you a real Republic, and bring about an educational level. + + + + + + +THE EDUCATIONAL THEATRE + + On November 19, 1907, Mr. Clemens entertained a party of six or + seven hundred of his friends, inviting them to witness the + representation of "The Prince and the Pauper," flayed by boys + and girls of the East Side at the Children's Educational + Theatre, New York. + +Just a word or two to let you know how deeply I appreciate the honor +which the children who are the actors and frequenters of this cozy +playhouse have conferred upon me. They have asked me to be their +ambassador to invite the hearts and brains of New York to come down here +and see the work they are doing. I consider it a grand distinction to be +chosen as their intermediary. Between the children and myself there is +an indissoluble bond of friendship. + +I am proud of this theatre and this performance--proud, because I am +naturally vain--vain of myself and proud of the children. + +I wish we could reach more children at one time. I am glad to see that +the children of the East Side have turned their backs on the Bowery +theatres to come to see the pure entertainments presented here. + +This Children's Theatre is a great educational institution. I hope the +time will come when it will be part of every public school in the land. +I may be pardoned in being vain. I was born vain, I guess. [At this +point the stage-manager's whistle interrupted Mr. Clemens.] That settles +it; there's my cue to stop. I was to talk until the whistle blew, but it +blew before I got started. It takes me longer to get started than most +people. I guess I was born at slow speed. My time is up, and if you'll +keep quiet for two minutes I'll tell you something about Miss Herts, the +woman who conceived this splendid idea. She is the originator and the +creator of this theatre. Educationally, this institution coins the gold +of young hearts into external good. + + + [On April 23, 1908, he spoke again at the same place] + +I will be strictly honest with you; I am only fit to be honorary +president. It is not to be expected that I should be useful as a real +president. But when it comes to things ornamental I, of course, have no +objection. There is, of course, no competition. I take it as a very +real compliment because there are thousands of children who have had a +part in this request. It is promotion in truth. + +It is a thing worth doing that is done here. You have seen the children +play. You saw how little Sally reformed her burglar. She could reform +any burglar. She could reform me. This is the only school in which can +be taught the highest and most difficult lessons--morals. In other +schools the way of teaching morals is revolting. Here the children who +come in thousands live through each part. + +They are terribly anxious for the villain to get his bullet, and that I +take to be a humane and proper sentiment. They spend freely the ten +cents that is not saved without a struggle. It comes out of the candy +money, and the money that goes for chewing-gum and other necessaries of +life. They make the sacrifice freely. This is the only school which +they are sorry to leave. + + + + + + +POETS AS POLICEMEN + + Mr. Clemens was one of the speakers at the Lotos Club dinner to + Governor Odell, March 24, 1900. The police problem was + referred to at length. + +Let us abolish policemen who carry clubs and revolvers, and put in a +squad of poets armed to the teeth with poems on Spring and Love. I would +be very glad to serve as commissioner, not because I think I am +especially qualified, but because I am too tired to work and would like +to take a rest. + +Howells would go well as my deputy. He is tired too, and needs a rest +badly. + +I would start in at once to elevate, purify, and depopulate the red-light +district. I would assign the most soulful poets to that district, +all heavily armed with their poems. Take Chauncey Depew as a sample. +I would station them on the corners after they had rounded up all the +depraved people of the district so they could not escape, and then have +them read from their poems to the poor unfortunates. The plan would be +very effective in causing an emigration of the depraved element. + + + + + + +PUDD'NHEAD WILSON DRAMATIZED + + When Mr. Clemens arrived from Europe in 1895 one of the first + things he did was to see the dramatization of Pudd'nhead + Wilson. The audience becoming aware of the fact that Mr. + Clemens was in the house called upon him for a speech. + +Never in my life have I been able to make a speech without preparation, +and I assure you that this position in which I find myself is one totally +unexpected. + +I have been hemmed in all day by William Dean Howells and other frivolous +persons, and I have been talking about everything in the world except +that of which speeches are constructed. Then, too, seven days on the +water is not conducive to speech-making. I will only say that I +congratulate Mr. Mayhew; he has certainly made a delightful play out of +my rubbish. His is a charming gift. Confidentially I have always had +an idea that I was well equipped to write plays, but I have never +encountered a manager who has agreed with me. + + + + + + +DALY THEATRE + + ADDRESS AT A DINNER AFTER THE ONE HUNDREDTH PERFORMANCE OF + "THE TAMING OF THE SHREW." + + Mr. Clemens made the following speech, which he incorporated + afterward in Following the Equator. + +I am glad to be here. This is the hardest theatre in New York to get +into, even at the front door. I never, got in without hard work. I am +glad we have got so far in at last. Two or three years ago I had an +appointment to meet Mr. Daly on the stage of this theatre at eight +o'clock in the evening. Well, I got on a train at Hartford to come to +New York and keep the appointment. All I had to do was to come to the +back door of the theatre on Sixth Avenue. I did not believe that; I did +not believe it could be on Sixth Avenue, but that is what Daly's note +said--come to that door, walk right in, and keep the appointment. It +looked very easy. It looked easy enough, but I had not much confidence +in the Sixth Avenue door. + +Well, I was kind of bored on the train, and I bought some newspapers--New +Haven newspapers--and there was not much news in them, so I read the +advertisements. There was one advertisement of a bench-show. I had +heard of bench-shows, and I often wondered what there was about them to +interest people. I had seen bench-shows--lectured to bench-shows, in +fact--but I didn't want to advertise them or to brag about them. Well, +I read on a little, and learned that a bench-show was not a bench-show +--but dogs, not benches at all--only dogs. I began to be interested, +and as there was nothing else to do I read every bit of the +advertisement, and learned that the biggest thing in this show was a St. +Bernard dog that weighed one hundred and forty-five pounds. Before I got +to New York I was so interested in the bench-shows that I made up my mind +to go to one the first chance I got. Down on Sixth Avenue, near where +that back door might be, I began to take things leisurely. I did not +like to be in too much of a hurry. There was not anything in sight that +looked like a back door. The nearest approach to it was a cigar store. +So I went in and bought a cigar, not too expensive, but it cost enough to +pay for any information I might get and leave the dealer a fair profit. +Well, I did not like to be too abrupt, to make the man think me crazy, by +asking him if that was the way to Daly's Theatre, so I started gradually +to lead up to the subject, asking him first if that was the way to Castle +Garden. When I got to the real question, and he said he would show me +the way, I was astonished. He sent me through a long hallway, and I +found myself in a back yard. Then I went through a long passageway and +into a little room, and there before my eyes was a big St. Bernard dog +lying on a bench. There was another door beyond and I went there, and +was met by a big, fierce man with a fur cap on and coat off, who +remarked, "Phwat do yez want?" I told him I wanted to see Mr. Daly. +"Yez can't see Mr. Daly this time of night," he responded. I urged that +I had an appointment with Mr. Daly, and gave him my card, which did not +seem to impress him much. "Yez can't get in and yez can't shmoke here. +Throw away that cigar. If yez want to see Mr. Daly, yez 'll have to be +after going to the front door and buy a ticket, and then if yez have luck +and he's around that way yez may see him." I was getting discouraged, +but I had one resource left that had been of good service in similar +emergencies. Firmly but kindly I told him my name was Mark Twain, and I +awaited results. There was none. He was not fazed a bit. "Phwere's +your order to see Mr. Daly?" he asked. I handed him the note, and he +examined it intently. "My friend," I remarked, "you can read that better +if you hold it the other side up." But he took no notice of the +suggestion, and finally asked: "Where's Mr. Daly's name?" "There it is," +I told him, "on the top of the page." "That's all right," he said, +"that's where he always puts it; but I don't see the 'W' in his name," +and he eyed me distrustfully. Finally, he asked, "Phwat do yez want to +see Mr. Daly for?" "Business." "Business?" "Yes." It was my only +hope. "Phwat kind--theatres?" that was too much. "No." "What kind of +shows, then?" "Bench-shows." It was risky, but I was desperate." +Bench--shows, is it--where?" The big man's face changed, and he began to +look interested. "New Haven." "New Haven, it is? Ah, that's going to +be a fine show. I'm glad to see you. Did you see a big dog in the other +room?" "Yes." "How much do you think that dog weighs?" "One hundred +and forty-five pounds." "Look at that, now! He's a good judge of dogs, +and no mistake. He weighs all of one hundred and thirty-eight. Sit down +and shmoke--go on and shmoke your cigar, I'll tell Mr. Daly you are +here." In a few minutes I was on the stage shaking hands with Mr. Daly, +and the big man standing around glowing with satisfaction. "Come around +in front," said Mr. Daly, "and see the performance. I will put you into +my own box." And as I moved away I heard my honest friend mutter, "Well, +he desarves it." + + + + + + +THE DRESS OF CIVILIZED WOMAN + +A large part of the daughter of civilization is her dress--as it should +be. Some civilized women would lose half their charm without dress, and +some would lose all of it. The daughter Of modern civilization dressed +at her utmost best is a marvel of exquisite and beautiful art and +expense. All the lands, all the climes, and all the arts are laid under +tribute to furnish her forth. Her linen is from Belfast, her robe is +from Paris, her lace is from Venice, or Spain, or France, her feathers +are from the remote regions of Southern Africa, her furs from the remoter +region of the iceberg and the aurora, her fan from Japan, her diamonds +from Brazil, her bracelets from California, her pearls from Ceylon, her +cameos from Rome. She has gems and trinkets from buried Pompeii, and +others that graced comely Egyptian forms that have been dust and ashes +now for forty centuries. Her watch is from Geneva, her card case is from +China, her hair is from--from--I don't know where her hair is from; I +never could find out; that is, her other hair--her public hair, her +Sunday hair; I don't mean the hair she goes to bed with. + +And that reminds me of a trifle. Any time you want to you can glance +around the carpet of a Pullman car, and go and pick up a hair-pin; but +not to save your life can you get any woman in that car to acknowledge +that hair-pin. Now, isn't that strange? But it's true. The woman who +has never swerved from cast-iron veracity and fidelity in her whole life +will, when confronted with this crucial test, deny her hair-pin. She +will deny that hair-pin before a hundred witnesses. I have stupidly got +into more trouble and more hot water trying to hunt up the owner of a +hair-pin in a Pullman than by any other indiscretion of my life. + + + + + + +DRESS REFORM AND COPYRIGHT + + When the present copyright law was under discussion, Mr. + Clemens appeared before the committee. He had sent Speaker + Cannon the following letter: + + "DEAR UNCLE JOSEPH,--Please get me the thanks of Congress, not + next week but right away. It is very necessary. Do accomplish + this for your affectionate old friend right away-- + by, persuasion if you can, by violence if you must, for it is + imperatively necessary that I get on the floor of the House for + two or three hours and talk to the members, man by man, in + behalf of support; encouragement, and protection of one of the + nation's most valuable assets and industries--its literature. + I have arguments with me--also a barrel with liquid in it. + + "Give me a chance. Get me the thanks of Congress. Don't wait + for others--there isn't time; furnish them to me yourself and + let Congress ratify later. I have stayed away and let Congress + alone for seventy-one years and am entitled to the thanks. + Congress knows this perfectly well, and I have long felt hurt + that this quite proper and earned expression of gratitude has + been merely felt by the House and never publicly uttered. + + "Send me an order on the sergeant-at-arms quick. When shall I + come? + "With love and a benediction, + "MARK TWAIN." + + + While waiting to appear before the committee, My. Clemens + talked to the reporters: + +Why don't you ask why I am wearing such apparently unseasonable clothes? +I'll tell you. I have found that when a man reaches the advanced age of +seventy-one years, as I have, the continual sight of dark clothing is +likely to have a depressing effect upon him. Light-colored clothing is +more pleasing to the eye and enlivens the spirit. Now, of course, I +cannot compel every one to wear such clothing just for my especial +benefit, so I do the next best thing and wear it myself. + +Of course, before a man reaches my years the fear of criticism might +prevent him from indulging his fancy. I am not afraid of that. I am +decidedly for pleasing color combinations in dress. I like to see the +women's clothes, say, at the opera. What can be more depressing than the +sombre black which custom requires men to wear upon state occasions? +A group of men in evening clothes looks like a flock of crows, and is +just about as inspiring. + +After all, what is the purpose of clothing? Are not clothes intended +primarily to preserve dignity and also to afford comfort to their wearer? +Now I know of nothing more uncomfortable than the present-day clothes of +men. The finest clothing made is a person's own skin, but, of course, +society demands something more than this. + +The best-dressed man I have ever seen, however, was a native of the +Sandwich Islands who attracted my attention thirty years ago. Now, when +that man wanted to don especial dress to honor a public occasion or a +holiday, why, he occasionally put on a pair of spectacles. Otherwise the +clothing with which God had provided him sufficed. + +Of course, I have ideas of dress reform. For one thing, why not adopt +some of the women's styles? Goodness knows, they adopt enough of ours. +Take the peek-a-boo waist, for instance. It has the obvious advantages +of being cool and comfortable, and in addition it is almost always made +up in pleasing colors which cheer and do not depress. + +It is true that I dressed the Connecticut Yankee at King Arthur's Court +in a plug-hat, but, let's see, that was twenty-five years ago. Then no +man was considered fully dressed until he donned a plug-hat. Nowadays I +think that no man is dressed until he leaves it home. Why, when I left +home yesterday they trotted out a plug-hat for me to wear. + +"You must wear it," they told me; "why, just think of going to Washington +without a plug-hat!" But I said no; I would wear a derby or nothing. +Why, I believe I could walk along the streets of New York--I never do-- +but still I think I could--and I should never see a well-dressed man +wearing a plug-hat. If I did I should suspect him of something. I don't +know just what, but I would suspect him. + +Why, when I got up on the second story of that Pennsylvania ferry-boat +coming down here yesterday I saw Howells coming along. He was the only +man on the boat with a plug-hat, and I tell you he felt ashamed of +himself. He said he had been persuaded to wear it against his better +sense. But just think of a man nearly seventy years old who has not a +mind of his own on such matters! + +"Are you doing any work now?" the youngest and most serious reporter +asked. + +Work? I retired from work on my seventieth birthday. Since then I have +been putting in merely twenty-six hours a day dictating my autobiography, +which, as John Phoenix said in regard to his autograph, may be relied +upon as authentic, as it is written exclusively by me. But it is not to +be published in full until I am thoroughly dead. I have made it as +caustic, fiendish, and devilish as possible. It will fill many volumes, +and I shall continue writing it until the time comes for me to join the +angels. It is going to be a terrible autobiography. It will make the +hair of some folks curl. But it cannot be published until I am dead, and +the persons mentioned in it and their children and grandchildren are +dead. It is something awful! + +"Can you tell us the names of some of the notables that are here to see +you off?" + +I don't know. I am so shy. My shyness takes a peculiar phase. I never +look a person in the face. The reason is that I am afraid they may know +me and that I may not know them, which makes it very embarrassing for +both of us. I always wait for the other person to speak. I know lots of +people, but I don't know who they are. It is all a matter of ability to +observe things. I never observe anything now. I gave up the habit years +ago. You should keep a habit up if you want to become proficient in it. +For instance, I was a pilot once, but I gave it up, and I do not believe +the captain of the Minneapolis would let me navigate his ship to London. +Still, if I think that he is not on the job I may go up on the bridge and +offer him a few suggestions. + + + + + + +COLLEGE GIRLS + + Five hundred undergraduates, under the auspices of the Woman's + University Club, New York, welcomed Mr. Clemens as their guest, + April 3, 1906, and gave him the freedom of the club, which the + chairman explained was freedom to talk individually to any girl + present. + +I've worked for the public good thirty years, so for the rest of my life +I shall work for my personal contentment. I am glad Miss Neron has fed +me, for there is no telling what iniquity I might wander into on an empty +stomach--I mean, an empty mind. + +I am going to tell you a practical story about how once upon a time I was +blind--a story I should have been using all these months, but I never +thought about telling it until the other night, and now it is too late, +for on the nineteenth of this month I hope to take formal leave of the +platform forever at Carnegie Hall--that is, take leave so far as talking +for money and for people who have paid money to hear me talk. I shall +continue to infest the platform on these conditions--that there is nobody +in the house who has paid to hear me, that I am not paid to be heard, and +that there will be none but young women students in the audience. [Here +Mr. Clemens told the story of how he took a girl to the theatre while he +was wearing tight boots, which appears elsewhere in this volume, and +ended by saying: "And now let this be a lesson to you--I don't know what +kind of a lesson; I'll let you think it out.] + + + + + + +GIRLS + +In my capacity of publisher I recently received a manuscript from a +teacher which embodied a number of answers given by her pupils to +questions propounded. These answers show that the children had nothing +but the sound to go by--the sense was perfectly empty. Here are some of +their answers to words they were asked to define: Auriferous--pertaining +to an orifice; ammonia--the food of the gods; equestrian--one who asks +questions; parasite--a kind of umbrella; ipecaca--man who likes a good +dinner. And here is the definition of an ancient word honored by a great +party: Republican--a sinner mentioned in the Bible. And here is an +innocent deliverance of a zoological kind: "There are a good many donkeys +in the theological gardens." Here also is a definition which really +isn't very bad in its way: Demagogue--a vessel containing beer and other +liquids. Here, too, is a sample of a boy's composition on girls, which, +I must say, I rather like: + +"Girls are very stuckup and dignified in their manner and behaveyour. +They think more of dress than anything and like to play with dowls and +rags. They cry if they see a cow in a far distance and are afraid of +guns. They stay at home all the time and go to church every Sunday. +They are al-ways sick. They are al-ways furry and making fun of boys +hands and they say how dirty. They cant play marbles. I pity them poor +things. They make fun of boys and then turn round and love them. +I don't belave they ever kiled a cat or anything. They look out every +nite and say, 'Oh, a'nt the moon lovely!'--Thir is one thing I have not +told and that is they al-ways now their lessons bettern boys." + + + + + + +THE LADIES + + DELIVERED AT THE ANNIVERSARY FESTIVAL, 1872, OF THE SCOTTISH + CORPORATION OF LONDON + + Mr. Clemens replied to the toast "The Ladies." + +I am proud, indeed, of the distinction of being chosen to respond to this +especial toast, to "The Ladies," or to women if you please, for that is +the preferable term, perhaps; it is certainly the older, and therefore +the more entitled to reverence. I have noticed that the Bible, with that +plain, blunt honesty which is such a conspicuous characteristic of the +Scriptures, is always particular to never refer to even the illustrious +mother of all mankind as a "lady," but speaks of her as a woman. It is +odd, but you will find it is so. I am peculiarly proud of this honor, +because I think that the toast to women is one which, by right and by +every rule of gallantry, should take precedence of all others--of the +army, of the navy, of even royalty itself--perhaps, though the latter is +not necessary in this day and in this land, for the reason that, tacitly, +you do drink a broad general health to all good women when you drink the +health of the Queen of England and the Princess of Wales. I have in mind +a poem just now which is familiar to you all, familiar to everybody. And +what an inspiration that was, and how instantly the present toast recalls +the verses to all our minds when the most noble, the most gracious, the +purest, and sweetest of all poets says: + + "Woman! O woman!---er + Wom----" + +However, you remember the lines; and you remember how feelingly, how +daintily, how almost imperceptibly the verses raise up before you, +feature by feature, the ideal of a true and perfect woman; and how, as +you contemplate the finished marvel, your homage grows into worship of +the intellect that could create so fair a thing out of mere breath, mere +words. And you call to mind now, as I speak, how the poet, with stern +fidelity to the history of all humanity, delivers this beautiful child of +his heart and his brain over to the trials and sorrows that must come to +all, sooner or later, that abide in the earth, and how the pathetic story +culminates in that apostrophe--so wild, so regretful, so full of mournful +retrospection. The lines run thus: + + "Alas!--alas!--a--alas! + ----Alas!--------alas!" + +--and so on. I do not remember the rest; but, taken together, it seems +to me that poem is the noblest tribute to woman that human genius has +ever brought forth--and I feel that if I were to talk hours I could not +do my great theme completer or more graceful justice than I have now done +in simply quoting that poet's matchless words. The phases of the womanly +nature are infinite in their variety. Take any type of woman, and you +shall find in it something to respect, something to admire, something to +love. And you shall find the whole joining you heart and hand. Who was +more patriotic than Joan of Arc? Who was braver? Who has given us a +grander instance of self-sacrificing devotion? Ah! you remember, you +remember well, what a throb of pain, what a great tidal wave of grief +swept over us all when Joan of Arc fell at Waterloo. Who does not sorrow +for the loss of Sappho, the sweet singer of Israel? Who among us does +not miss the gentle ministrations, the softening influences, the humble +piety of Lucretia Borgia? Who can join in the heartless libel that says +woman is extravagant in dress when he can look back and call to mind our +simple and lowly mother Eve arrayed in her modification of the Highland +costume? Sir, women have been soldiers, women have been painters, women +have been poets. As long as language lives the name of Cleopatra will +live. And not because she conquered George III.--but because she wrote +those divine lines: + + Let dogs delight to bark and bite, + For God hath made them so." + +The story of the world is adorned with the names of illustrious ones of +our own sex--some of, them sons of St. Andrew, too--Scott, Bruce, Burns, +the warrior Wallace, Ben Nevis--the gifted Ben Lomond, and the great new +Scotchman, Ben Disraeli. --[Mr. Benjamin Disraeli, at that time Prime +Minister of England, had just been elected Lord Rector of Glasgow +University, and had made a speech which gave rise to a world of +discussion]-- Out of the great plains of history tower whole mountain +ranges of sublime women: the Queen of Sheba, Josephine, Semiramis, Sairey +Gamp; the list is endless--but I will not call the mighty roll, the names +rise up in your own memories at the mere suggestion, luminous with the +glory of deeds that cannot die, hallowed by the loving worship of the +good and the true of all epochs and all climes. Suffice it for our pride +and our honor that we in our day have added to it such names as those of +Grace Darling and Florence Nightingale. Woman is all that she should be +gentle, patient, longsuffering, trustful, unselfish, full of generous +impulses. It is her blessed mission to comfort the sorrowing, plead for +the erring, encourage the faint of purpose, succor the distressed, uplift +the fallen, befriend the friendless--in a word, afford the healing of her +sympathies and a home in her heart for all the bruised and persecuted +children that knock at its hospitable door. And when I say, God bless +her, there is none among us who has known the ennobling affection of a +wife, or the steadfast devotion of a mother but in his heart will say, +Amen! + + + + + + +WOMAN'S PRESS CLUB + + On October 27, 1900, the New York Woman's Press Club gave a tea + in Carnegie Hall. Mr. Clemens was the guest of honor. + +If I were asked an opinion I would call this an ungrammatical nation. +There is no such thing as perfect grammar, and I don't always speak good +grammar myself. But I have been foregathering for the past few days with +professors of American universities, and I've heard them all say things +like this: "He don't like to do it." [There was a stir.] Oh, you'll hear +that to-night if you listen, or, "He would have liked to have done it." +You'll catch some educated Americans saying that. When these men take +pen in hand they write with as good grammar as any. But the moment they +throw the pen aside they throw grammatical morals aside with it. + +To illustrate the desirability and possibility of concentration, I must +tell you a story of my little six-year-old daughter. The governess had +been teaching her about the reindeer, and, as the custom was, she related +it to the family. She reduced the history of that reindeer to two or +three sentences when the governess could not have put it into a page. +She said: "The reindeer is a very swift animal. A reindeer once drew a +sled four hundred miles in two hours." She appended the comment: "This +was regarded as extraordinary." And concluded: "When that reindeer was +done drawing that sled four hundred miles in two hours it died." + +As a final instance of the force of limitations in the development of +concentration, I must mention that beautiful creature, Helen Keller, whom +I have known for these many years. I am filled with the wonder of her +knowledge, acquired because shut out from all distraction. If I could +have been deaf, dumb, and blind I also might have arrived at something. + + + + + + +VOTES FOR WOMEN + + AT THE ANNUAL MEETING OF THE HEBREW TECHNICAL SCHOOL FOR GIRLS, + HELD IN THE TEMPLE EMMANUEL, JANUARY 20, 1901 + + Mr. Clemens was introduced by President Meyer, who said: "In + one of Mr. Clemens's works he expressed his opinion of men, + saying he had no choice between Hebrew and Gentile, black men + or white; to him all men were alike. But I never could find + that he expressed his opinion of women; perhaps that opinion + was so exalted that he could not express it. We shall now be + called to hear what he thinks of women." + +LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,--It is a small help that I can afford, but it is +just such help that one can give as coming from the heart through the +mouth. The report of Mr. Meyer was admirable, and I was as interested in +it as you have been. Why, I'm twice as old as he, and I've had so much +experience that I would say to him, when he makes his appeal for help: +"Don't make it for to-day or to-morrow, but collect the money on the +spot." + +We are all creatures of sudden impulse. We must be worked up by steam, +as it were. Get them to write their wills now, or it may be too late by +-and-by. Fifteen or twenty years ago I had an experience I shall never +forget. I got into a church which was crowded by a sweltering and +panting multitude. The city missionary of our town--Hartford--made a +telling appeal for help. He told of personal experiences among the poor +in cellars and top lofts requiring instances of devotion and help. The +poor are always good to the poor. When a person with his millions gives +a hundred thousand dollars it makes a great noise in the world, but he +does not miss it; it's the widow's mite that makes no noise but does the +best work. + +I remember on that occasion in the Hartford church the collection was +being taken up. The appeal had so stirred me that I could hardly wait +for the hat or plate to come my way. I had four hundred dollars in my +pocket, and I was anxious to drop it in the plate and wanted to borrow +more. But the plate was so long in coming my way that the fever-heat of +beneficence was going down lower and lower--going down at the rate of a +hundred dollars a minute. The plate was passed too late. When it +finally came to me, my enthusiasm had gone down so much that I kept my +four hundred dollars--and stole a dime from the plate. So, you see, time +sometimes leads to crime. + +Oh, many a time have I thought of that and regretted it, and I adjure you +all to give while the fever is on you. + +Referring to woman's sphere in life, I'll say that woman is always right. +For twenty-five years I've been a woman's rights man. I have always +believed, long before my mother died, that, with her gray hairs and +admirable intellect, perhaps she knew as much as I did. Perhaps she knew +as much about voting as I. + +I should like to see the time come when women shall help to make the +laws. I should like to see that whip-lash, the ballot, in the hands of +women. As for this city's government, I don't want to say much, except +that it is a shame--a shame; but if I should live twenty-five years +longer--and there is no reason why I shouldn't--I think I'll see women +handle the ballot. If women had the ballot to-day, the state of things +in this town would not exist. + +If all the women in this town had a vote to-day they would elect a mayor +at the next election, and they would rise in their might and change the +awful state of things now existing here. + + + + + + +WOMAN-AN OPINION + + ADDRESS AT AN EARLY BANQUET OF THE WASHINGTON + CORRESPONDENTS' CLUB + + The twelfth toast was as follows: "Woman--The pride of any + profession, and the jewel of ours." + +MR. PRESIDENT,--I do not know why I should be singled out to receive the +greatest distinction of the evening--for so the office of replying to the +toast of woman has been regarded in every age. I do not know why I have +received his distinction, unless it be that I am a trifle less homely +than the other members of the club. But be this as it may, Mr. +President, I am proud of the position, and you could not have chosen any +one who would have accepted it more gladly, or labored with a heartier +good-will to do the subject justice than I--because, sir, I love the sex. +I love all the women, irrespective of age or color. + +Human intellect cannot estimate what we owe to woman, sir. She sews on +our buttons; she mends our clothes; she ropes us in at the church fairs; +she confides in us; she tells us whatever she can find out about the +little private affairs of the neighbors; she gives us good advice, and +plenty of it; she soothes our aching brows; she bears our children--ours +as a general thing. In all relations of life, sir, it is but a just and +graceful tribute to woman to say of her that she is a brick. + +Wheresoever you place woman, sir--in whatever position or estate--she is +an ornament to the place she occupies, and a treasure to the world. [Here +Mr. Clemens paused, looked inquiringly at his hearers, and remarked that +the applause should come in at this point. It came in. He resumed his +eulogy.] Look at Cleopatra! look at Desdemona!--look at Florence +Nightingale!--look at Joan of Arc!--look at Lucretia Borgia! +[Disapprobation expressed.] Well [said Mr. Clemens, scratching his head, +doubtfully], suppose we let Lucretia slide. Look at Joyce Heth!--look at +Mother Eve! You need not look at her unless you want to, but [said Mr. +Clemens, reflectively, after a pause] Eve was ornamental, sir-- +particularly before the fashions changed. I repeat, sir, look at the +illustrious names of history. Look at the Widow Machree!--look at Lucy +Stone!--look at Elizabeth Cady Stanton!--look at George Francis Train! +And, sir, I say it with bowed head and deepest veneration--look at the +mother of Washington! She raised a boy that could not tell a lie--could +not tell a lie! But he never had any chance. It might have been +different if he had belonged to the Washington Newspaper Correspondents' +Club. + +I repeat, sir, that in whatever position you place a woman she is an +ornament to society and a treasure to the world. As a sweetheart, she +has few equals and no superiors; as a cousin, she is convenient; as a +wealthy grandmother with an incurable distemper, she is precious; as a +wetnurse, she has no equal among men. + +What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be +scarce, sir, almighty scarce. Then let us cherish her; let us protect +her; let us give her our support, our encouragement, our sympathy, +ourselves--if we get a chance. + +But, jesting aside, Mr. President, woman is lovable, gracious, kind of +heart, beautiful--worthy of all respect, of all esteem, of all deference. +Not any here will refuse to drink her health right cordially in this +bumper of wine, for each and every one has personally known, and loved, +and honored the very best one of them all--his own mother. + + + + + + +ADVICE TO GIRLS + + In 1907 a young girl whom Mr. Clemens met on the steamer + Minnehaha called him "grandpa," and he called her his + granddaughter. She was attending St. Timothy's School, at + Catonsville, Maryland, and Mr. Clemens promised her to see her + graduate. He accordingly made the journey from New York on + June 10, 1909, and delivered a short address. + +I don't know what to tell you girls to do. Mr. Martin has told you +everything you ought to do, and now I must give you some don'ts. + +There are three things which come to my mind which I consider excellent +advice: + +First, girls, don't smoke--that is, don't smoke to excess. I am seventy- +three and a half years old, and have been smoking seventy-three of them. +But I never smoke to excess--that is, I smoke in moderation, only one +cigar at a time. + +Second, don't drink--that is, don't drink to excess. + +Third, don't marry--I mean, to excess. + +Honesty is the best policy. That is an old proverb; but you don't want +ever to forget it in your journey through life. + + + + + + +TAXES AND MORALS + +ADDRESS DELIVERED IN NEW YORK, JANUARY 22, 1906 + + At the twenty-fifth anniversary of the founding of Tuskeegee + Institute by Booker Washington, Mr. Choate presided, and in + introducing Mr. Clemens made fun of him because he made play + his work, and that when he worked hardest he did so lying in + bed. + +I came here in the responsible capacity of policeman to watch Mr. Choate. +This is an occasion of grave and serious importance, and it seems +necessary for me to be present, so that if he tried to work off any +statement that required correction, reduction, refutation, or exposure, +there would be a tried friend of the public to protect the house. He has +not made one statement whose veracity fails to tally exactly with my own +standard. I have never seen a person improve so. This makes me thankful +and proud of a country that can produce such men--two such men. And all +in the same country. We can't be with you always; we are passing away, +and then--well, everything will have to stop, I reckon. It is a sad +thought. But in spirit I shall still be with you. Choate, too--if he +can. + +Every born American among the eighty millions, let his creed or +destitution of creed be what it may, is indisputably a Christian--to this +degree that his moral constitution is Christian. + +There are two kinds of Christian morals, one private and the other +public. These two are so distinct, so unrelated, that they are no more +akin to each other than are archangels and politicians. During three +hundred and sixty-three days in the year the American citizen is true to +his Christian private morals, and keeps undefiled the nation's character +at its best and highest; then in the other two days of the year he leaves +his Christian private morals at home and carries his Christian public +morals to the tax office and the polls, and does the best he can to +damage and undo his whole year's faithful and righteous work. Without a +blush he will vote for an unclean boss if that boss is his party's Moses, +without compunction he will vote against the best man in the whole land +if he is on the other ticket. Every year in a number of cities and +States he helps put corrupt men in office, whereas if he would but throw +away his Christian public morals, and carry his Christian private morals +to the polls, he could promptly purify the public service and make the +possession of office a high and honorable distinction. + +Once a year he lays aside his Christian private morals and hires a ferry- +boat and piles up his bonds in a warehouse in New Jersey for three days, +and gets out his Christian public morals and goes to the tax office and +holds up his hands and swears he wishes he may never--never if he's got a +cent in the world, so help him. The next day the list appears in the +papers--a column and a quarter of names, in fine print, and every man in +the list a billionaire and member of a couple of churches. I know all +those people. I have friendly, social, and criminal relations with the +whole lot of them. They never miss a sermon when they are so's to be +around, and they never miss swearing-off day, whether they are so's to be +around or not. + +I used to be an honest man. I am crumbling. No--I have crumbled. When +they assessed me at $75,000 a fortnight ago I went out and tried to +borrow the money, and couldn't; then when I found they were letting a +whole crop of millionaires live in New York at a third of the price they +were charging me I was hurt, I was indignant, and said: "This is the last +feather. I am not going to run this town all by myself." In that +moment--in that memorable moment--I began to crumble. In fifteen minutes +the disintegration was complete. In fifteen minutes I had become just a +mere moral sand-pile; and I lifted up my hand along with those seasoned +and experienced deacons and swore off every rag of personal property I've +got in the world, clear down to cork leg, glass eye, and what is left of +my wig. + +Those tax officers were moved; they were profoundly moved. They had long +been accustomed to seeing hardened old grafters act like that, and they +could endure the spectacle; but they were expecting better things of me, +a chartered, professional moralist, and they were saddened. + +I fell visibly in their respect and esteem, and I should have fallen in +my own, except that I had already struck bottom, and there wasn't any +place to fall to. + +At Tuskeegee they will jump to misleading conclusions from insufficient +evidence, along with Doctor Parkhurst, and they will deceive the student +with the superstition that no gentleman ever swears. + +Look at those good millionaires; aren't they gentlemen? Well, they +swear. Only once in a year, maybe, but there's enough bulk to it to make +up for the lost time. And do they lose anything by it? No, they don't; +they save enough in three minutes to support the family seven years. +When they swear, do we shudder? No--unless they say "damn!" Then we do. +It shrivels us all up. Yet we ought not to feel so about it, because we +all swear--everybody. Including the ladies. Including Doctor Parkhurst, +that strong and brave and excellent citizen, but superficially educated. + +For it is not the word that is the sin, it is the spirit back of the +word. When an irritated lady says "oh!" the spirit back of it is "damn!" +and that is the way it is going to be recorded against her. It always +makes me so sorry when I hear a lady swear like that. But if she says +"damn," and says it in an amiable, nice way, it isn't going to be +recorded at all. + +The idea that no gentleman ever swears is all wrong; he can swear and +still be a gentleman if he does it in a nice and, benevolent and +affectionate way. The historian, John Fiske, whom I knew well and loved, +was a spotless and most noble and upright Christian gentleman, and yet he +swore once. Not exactly that, maybe; still, he--but I will tell you +about it. + +One day, when he was deeply immersed in his work, his wife came in, much +moved and profoundly distressed, and said: "I am sorry to disturb you, +John, but I must, for this is a serious matter, and needs to be attended +to at once." + +Then, lamenting, she brought a grave accusation against their little son. +She said: "He has been saying his Aunt Mary is a fool and his Aunt Martha +is a damned fool." Mr. Fiske reflected upon the matter a minute, then +said: "Oh, well, it's about the distinction I should make between them +myself." + +Mr. Washington, I beg you to convey these teachings to your great and +prosperous and most beneficent educational institution, and add them to +the prodigal mental and moral riches wherewith you equip your fortunate +proteges for the struggle of life. + + + + + + +TAMMANY AND CROKER + + Mr. Clemens made his debut as a campaign orator on October 7, + 1901, advocating the election of Seth Low for Mayor, not as a + Republican, but as a member of the "Acorns," which he described + as a "third party having no political affiliation, but was + concerned only in the selection of the best candidates and the + best member." + +Great Britain had a Tammany and a Croker a good while ago. This Tammany +was in India, and it began its career with the spread of the English +dominion after the Battle of Plassey. Its first boss was Clive, a +sufficiently crooked person sometimes, but straight as a yard stick +when compared with the corkscrew crookedness of the second boss, Warren +Hastings. + +That old-time Tammany was the East India Company's government, and had +its headquarters at Calcutta. Ostensibly it consisted of a Great Council +of four persons, of whom one was the Governor-General, Warren Hastings; +really it consisted of one person--Warren Hastings; for by usurpation he +concentrated all authority in himself and governed the country like an +autocrat. + +Ostensibly the Court of Directors, sitting in London and representing the +vast interests of the stockholders, was supreme in authority over the +Calcutta Great Council, whose membership it appointed and removed at +pleasure, whose policies it dictated, and to whom it conveyed its will in +the form of sovereign commands; but whenever it suited Hastings, he +ignored even that august body's authority and conducted the mighty +affairs of the British Empire in India to suit his own notions. + +At his mercy was the daily bread of every official, every trader, every +clerk, every civil servant, big and little, in the whole huge India +Company's machine, and the man who hazarded his bread by any failure of +subserviency to the boss lost it. + +Now then, let the supreme masters of British India, the giant corporation +of the India Company of London, stand for the voters of the city of New +York; let the Great Council of Calcutta stand for Tammany; let the +corrupt and money-grubbing great hive of serfs which served under the +Indian Tammany's rod stand for New York Tammany's serfs; let Warren +Hastings stand for Richard Croker, and it seems to me that the parallel +is exact and complete. And so let us be properly grateful and thank God +and our good luck that we didn't invent Tammany. + +Edmund Burke, regarded by many as the greatest orator of all times, +conducted the case against Warren Hastings in that renowned trial which +lasted years, and which promises to keep its renown for centuries to +come. I wish to quote some of the things he said. I wish to imagine him +arraigning Mr. Croker and Tammany before the voters of New York City and +pleading with them for the overthrow of that combined iniquity of the 5th +of November, and will substitute for "My Lords," read "Fellow-Citizens"; +for "Kingdom," read "City"; for "Parliamentary Process," read "Political +Campaign"; for "Two Houses," read "Two Parties," and so it reads: + +"Fellow--citizens, I must look upon it as an auspicious circumstance to +this cause, in which the honor of the city is involved, that from the +first commencement of our political campaign to this the hour of solemn +trial not the smallest difference of opinion has arisen, between the two +parties. + +"You will see, in the progress of this cause, that there is not only a +long, connected, systematic series of misdemeanors, but an equally +connected system of maxims and principles invented to justify them. +Upon both of these you must judge. + +"It is not only the interest of the city of New York, now the most +considerable part of the city of the Americans, which is concerned, but +the credit and honor of the nation itself will be decided by this +decision." + + At a later meeting of the Acorn Club, Mr. Clemens said: + +Tammany is dead, and there's no use in blackguarding a corpse. + +The election makes me think of a story of a man who was dying. He had +only two minutes to live, so he sent for a clergyman and asked him, +"Where is the best place to go to?" He was undecided about it. So the +minister told him that each place had its advantages--heaven for climate, +and hell for society. + + + + + + +MUNICIPAL CORRUPTION + + ADDRESS AT THE CITY CLUB DINNER, JANUARY 4,1901 + + Bishop Potter told how an alleged representative of Tammany + Hall asked him in effect if he would cease his warfare upon the + Police Department if a certain captain and inspector were + dismissed. He replied that he would never be satisfied until + the "man at the top" and the "system" which permitted evils in + the Police Department were crushed. + +The Bishop has just spoken of a condition of things which none of us can +deny, and which ought not to exist; that is, the lust of gain--a lust +which does not stop short of the penitentiary or the jail to accomplish +its ends. But we may be sure of one thing, and that is that this sort of +thing is not universal. If it were, this country would not be. You may +put this down as a fact: that out of every fifty men, forty-nine are +clean. Then why is it, you may ask, that the forty-nine don't have +things the way they want them? I'll tell you why it is. A good deal has +been said here to-night about what is to be accomplished by organization. +That's just the thing. It's because the fiftieth fellow and his pals are +organized and the other forty-nine are not that the dirty one rubs it +into the clean fellows every time. + +You may say organize, organize, organize; but there may be so much +organization that it will interfere with the work to be done. The Bishop +here had an experience of that sort, and told all about it down-town the +other night. He was painting a barn--it was his own barn--and yet he was +informed that his work must stop; he was a non-union painter, and +couldn't continue at that sort of job. + +Now, all these conditions of which you complain should be remedied, and I +am here to tell you just how to do it. I've been a statesman without +salary for many years, and I have accomplished great and widespread good. +I don't know that it has benefited anybody very much, even if it was +good; but I do know that it hasn't harmed me very much, and is hasn't +made me any richer. + +We hold the balance of power. Put up your best men for office, and we +shall support the better one. With the election of the best man for +Mayor would follow the selection of the best man for Police Commissioner +and Chief of Police. + +My first lesson in the craft of statesmanship was taken at an early age. +Fifty-one years ago I was fourteen years old, and we had a society in the +town I lived in, patterned after the Freemasons, or the Ancient Order of +United Farmers, or some such thing--just what it was patterned after +doesn't matter. It had an inside guard and an outside guard, and a past- +grand warden, and a lot of such things, so as to give dignity to the +organization and offices to the members. + +Generally speaking it was a pretty good sort of organization, and some of +the very best boys in the village, including--but I mustn't get personal +on an occasion like this--and the society would have got along pretty +well had it not been for the fact that there were a certain number of the +members who could be bought. They got to be an infernal nuisance. Every +time we had an election the candidates had to go around and see the +purchasable members. The price per vote was paid in doughnuts, and it +depended somewhat on the appetites of the individuals as to the price +of the votes. + +This thing ran along until some of us, the really very best boys in the +organization, decided that these corrupt practices must stop, and for the +purpose of stopping them we organized a third party. We had a name, but +we were never known by that name. Those who didn't like us called us the +Anti-Doughnut party, but we didn't mind that. + +We said: "Call us what you please; the name doesn't matter. We are +organized for a principle." By-and-by the election came around, and +we made a big mistake. We were triumphantly beaten. That taught us a +lesson. Then and there we decided never again to nominate anybody for +anything. We decided simply to force the other two parties in the +society to nominate their very best men,. Although we were organized for +a principle, we didn't care much about that. Principles aren't of much +account anyway, except at election-time. After that you hang them up to +let them season. + +The next time we had an election we told both the other parties that we'd +beat any candidates put up by any one of them of whom we didn't approve. +In that election we did business. We got the man we wanted. I suppose +they called us the Anti-Doughnut party because they couldn't buy us with +their doughnuts. They didn't have enough of them. Most reformers arrive +at their price sooner or later, and I suppose we would have had our +price; but our opponents weren't offering anything but doughnuts, and +those we spurned. + +Now it seems to me that an Anti-Doughnut party is just what is wanted in +the present emergency. I would have the Anti-Doughnuts felt in every city +and hamlet and school district in this State and in the United States. +I was an Anti-Doughnut in my boyhood, and I'm an Anti-Doughnut still. +The modern designation is Mugwump. There used to be quite a number of us +Mugwumps, but I think I'm the only one left. I had a vote this fall, and +I began to make some inquiries as to what I had better do with it. + +I don't know anything about finance, and I never did, but I know some +pretty shrewd financiers, and they told me that Mr. Bryan wasn't safe on +any financial question. I said to myself, then, that it wouldn't do for +me to vote for Bryan, and I rather thought--I know now--that McKinley +wasn't just right on this Philippine question, and so I just didn't vote +for anybody. I've got that vote yet, and I've kept it clean, ready to +deposit at some other election. It wasn't cast for any wildcat financial +theories, and it wasn't cast to support the man who sends our boys as +volunteers out into the Philippines to get shot down under a polluted +flag. + + + + + + +MUNICIPAL GOVERNMENT + +ADDRESS AT THE ANNUAL DINNER OF THE ST. NICHOLAS SOCIETY, NEW YORK, +DECEMBER 6, 1900 + + Doctor Mackay, in his response to the toast "St. Nicholas," + referred to Mr. Clemens, saying: --"Mark Twain is as true a + preacher of true righteousness as any bishop, priest, or + minister of any church to-day, because he moves men to forget + their faults by cheerful well-doing instead of making them sour + and morbid by everlastingly bending their attention to the + seamy and sober side of life." + +MR. CHAIRMAN AND GENTLEMEN OF THE ST. NICHOLAS SOCIETY,--These are, +indeed, prosperous days for me. Night before last, in a speech, the +Bishop of the Diocese of New York complimented me for my contribution to +theology, and to-night the Reverend Doctor Mackay has elected me to the +ministry. I thanked Bishop Potter then for his compliment, and I thank +Doctor Mackay now for that promotion. I think that both have discerned +in me what I long ago discerned, but what I was afraid the world would +never learn to recognize. + +In this absence of nine years I find a great improvement in the city of +New York. I am glad to speak on that as a toast--"The City of New York." +Some say it has improved because I have been away. Others, and I agree +with them, say it has improved because I have come back. We must judge +of a city, as of a man, by its external appearances and by its inward +character. In externals the foreigner coming to these shores is more +impressed at first by our sky-scrapers. They are new to him. He has not +done anything of the sort since he built the tower of Babel. The +foreigner is shocked by them. + +In the daylight they are ugly. They are--well, too chimneyfied and too +snaggy--like a mouth that needs attention from a dentist; like a cemetery +that is all monuments and no gravestones. But at night, seen from the +river where they are columns towering against the sky, all sparkling with +light, they are fairylike; they are beauty more satisfactory to the soul +and more enchanting than anything that man has dreamed of since the +Arabian nights. We can't always have the beautiful aspect of things. +Let us make the most of our sights that are beautiful and let the others +go. When your foreigner makes disagreeable comments on New York by +daylight, float him down the river at night. + +What has made these sky-scrapers possible is the elevator. The cigar-box +which the European calls a "lift" needs but to be compared with our +elevators to be appreciated. The lift stops to reflect between floors. +That is all right in a hearse, but not in elevators. The American +elevator acts like the man's patent purge--it worked. As the inventor +said, "This purge doesn't waste any time fooling around; it attends +strictly to business." + +That New-Yorkers have the cleanest, quickest, and most admirable system +of street railways in the world has been forced upon you by the abnormal +appreciation you have of your hackman. We ought always to be grateful to +him for that service. Nobody else would have brought such a system into +existence for us. We ought to build him a monument. We owe him one as +much as we owe one to anybody. Let it be a tall one. Nothing permanent, +of course; build it of plaster, say. Then gaze at it and realize how +grateful we are--for the time being--and then pull it down and throw it +on the ash-heap. That's the way to honor your public heroes. + +As to our streets, I find them cleaner than they used to be. I miss +those dear old landmarks, the symmetrical mountain ranges of dust and +dirt that used to be piled up along the streets for the wind and rain to +tear down at their pleasure. Yes, New York is cleaner than Bombay. +I realize that I have been in Bombay, that I now am in New York; that it +is not my duty to flatter Bombay, but rather to flatter New York. + +Compared with the wretched attempts of London to light that city, New +York may fairly be said to be a well-lighted city. Why, London's attempt +at good lighting is almost as bad as London's attempt at rapid transit. +There is just one good system of rapid transit in London--the "Tube," and +that, of course, had been put in by Americans. Perhaps, after a while, +those Americans will come back and give New York also a good underground +system. Perhaps they have already begun. I have been so busy since I +came back that I haven't had time as yet to go down cellar. + +But it is by the laws of the city, it is by the manners of the city, it +is by the ideals of the city, it is by the customs of the city and by the +municipal government which all these elements correct, support, and +foster, by which the foreigner judges the city. It is by these that he +realizes that New York may, indeed, hold her head high among the cities +of the world. It is by these standards that he knows whether to class +the city higher or lower than the other municipalities of the world. + +Gentlemen, you have the best municipal government in the world-- +the purest and the most fragrant. The very angels envy you, and wish +they could establish a government like it in heaven. You got it by a +noble fidelity to civic duty. You got it by stern and ever-watchful +exertion of the great powers with which you are charged by the rights +which were handed down to you by your forefathers, by your manly refusal +to let base men invade the high places of your government, and by instant +retaliation when any public officer has insulted you in the city's name +by swerving in the slightest from the upright and full performance of his +duty. It is you who have made this city the envy of the cities of the +world. God will bless you for it--God will bless you for it. Why, when +you approach the final resting-place the angels of heaven will gather at +the gates and cry out: + +"Here they come! Show them to the archangel's box, and turn the lime- +light on them!" + + + + + +CHINA AND THE PHILIPPINES + + AT A DINNER GIVEN IN THE WALDORF-ASTORIA HOTEL, DECEMBER, 1900 + + Winston Spencer Churchill was introduced by Mr. Clemens. + +For years I've been a self-appointed missionary to bring about the union +of America and the motherland. They ought to be united. Behold America, +the refuge of the oppressed from everywhere (who can pay fifty dollars' +admission)--any one except a Chinaman--standing up for human rights +everywhere, even helping China let people in free when she wants to +collect fifty dollars upon them. And how unselfishly England has wrought +for the open door for all! And how piously America has wrought for that +open door in all cases where it was not her own! + +Yes, as a missionary I've sung my songs of praise. And yet I think that +England sinned when she got herself into a war in South Africa which she +could have avoided, just as we sinned in getting into a similar war in +the Philippines. Mr. Churchill, by his father, is an Englishman; by his +mother he is an American--no doubt a blend that makes the perfect man. +England and America; yes, we are kin. And now that we are also kin in +sin, there is nothing more to be desired. The harmony is complete, the +blend is perfect. + + + + + + +THEORETICAL MORALS + + The New Vagabonds Club of London, made up of the leading + younger literary men of the day, gave a dinner in honor of Mr. + and Mrs. Clemens, July 8, 1899. + +It has always been difficult--leave that word difficult--not exceedingly +difficult, but just difficult, nothing more than that, not the slightest +shade to add to that--just difficult--to respond properly, in the right +phraseology, when compliments are paid to me; but it is more than +difficult when the compliments are paid to a better than I--my wife. + +And while I am not here to testify against myself--I can't be expected to +do so, a prisoner in your own country is not admitted to do so--as to +which member of the family wrote my books, I could say in general that +really I wrote the books myself. My wife puts the facts in, and they +make it respectable. My modesty won't suffer while compliments are being +paid to literature, and through literature to my family. I can't get +enough of them. + +I am curiously situated to-night. It so rarely happens that I am +introduced by a humorist; I am generally introduced by a person of grave +walk and carriage. That makes the proper background of gravity for +brightness. I am going to alter to suit, and haply I may say some +humorous things. + +When you start with a blaze of sunshine and upburst of humor, when you +begin with that, the proper office of humor is to reflect, to put you +into that pensive mood of deep thought, to make you think of your sins, +if you wish half an hour to fly. Humor makes me reflect now to-night, it +sets the thinking machinery in motion. Always, when I am thinking, there +come suggestions of what I am, and what we all are, and what we are +coming to. A sermon comes from my lips always when I listen to a +humorous speech. + +I seize the opportunity to throw away frivolities, to say something to +plant the seed, and make all better than when I came. In Mr. Grossmith's +remarks there was a subtle something suggesting my favorite theory of the +difference between theoretical morals and practical morals. I try to +instil practical morals in the place of theatrical--I mean theoretical; +but as an addendum--an annex--something added to theoretical morals. + +When your chairman said it was the first time he had ever taken the +chair, he did not mean that he had not taken lots of other things; he +attended my first lecture and took notes. This indicated the man's +disposition. There was nothing else flying round, so he took notes; he +would have taken anything he could get. + +I can bring a moral to bear here which shows the difference between +theoretical morals and practical morals. Theoretical morals are the sort +you get on your mother's knee, in good books, and from the pulpit. You +gather them in your head, and not in your heart; they are theory without +practice. Without the assistance of practice to perfect them, it is +difficult to teach a child to "be honest, don't steal." + +I will teach you how it should be done, lead you into temptation, teach +you how to steal, so that you may recognize when you have stolen and feel +the proper pangs. It is no good going round and bragging you have never +taken the chair. + +As by the fires of experience, so by commission of crime, you learn real +morals. Commit all the crimes, familiarize yourself with all sins, take +them in rotation (there are only two or three thousand of them), stick to +it, commit two or three every day, and by-and-by you will be proof +against them. When you are through you will be proof against all sins +and morally perfect. You will be vaccinated against every possible +commission of them. This is the only way. + +I will read you a written statement upon the subject that I wrote three +years ago to read to the Sabbath-schools. [Here the lecturer turned his +pockets out, but without success.] No! I have left it at home. Still, +it was a mere statement of fact, illustrating the value of practical +morals produced by the commission of crime. + +It was in my boyhood just a statement of fact, reading is only more +formal, merely facts, merely pathetic facts, which I can state so as to +be understood. It relates to the first time I ever stole a watermelon; +that is, I think it was the first time; anyway, it was right along there +somewhere. + +I stole it out of a farmer's wagon while he was waiting on another +customer. "Stole" is a harsh term. I withdrew--I retired that +watermelon. I carried it to a secluded corner of a lumber-yard. I broke +it open. It was green--the greenest watermelon raised in the valley that +year. + +The minute I saw it was green I was sorry, and began to reflect-- +reflection is the beginning of reform. If you don't reflect when you +commit a crime then that crime is of no use; it might just as well have +been committed by some one else: You must reflect or the value is lost; +you are not vaccinated against committing it again. + +I began to reflect. I said to myself: "What ought a boy to do who has +stolen a green watermelon? What would George Washington do, the father +of his country, the only American who could not tell a lie? What would +he do? There is only one right, high, noble thing for any boy to do who +has stolen a watermelon of that class he must make restitution; he must +restore that stolen property to its rightful owner." I said I would do +it when I made that good resolution. I felt it to be a noble, uplifting +obligation. I rose up spiritually stronger and refreshed. I carried +that watermelon back--what was left of it--and restored it to the farmer, +and made him give me a ripe one in its place. + +Now you see that this constant impact of crime upon crime protects you +against further commission of crime. It builds you up. A man can't +become morally perfect by stealing one or a thousand green watermelons, +but every little helps. + +I was at a great school yesterday (St. Paul's), where for four hundred +years they have been busy with brains, and building up England by +producing Pepys, Miltons, and Marlboroughs. Six hundred boys left to +nothing in the world but theoretical morality. I wanted to become the +professor of practical morality, but the high master was away, so I +suppose I shall have to go on making my living the same old way-- +by adding practical to theoretical morality. + +What are the glory that was Greece, the grandeur that was Rome, compared +to the glory and grandeur and majesty of a perfected morality such as you +see before you? + +The New Vagabonds are old vagabonds (undergoing the old sort of reform). +You drank my health; I hope I have not been unuseful. Take this system +of morality to your hearts. Take it home to your neighbors and your +graves, and I hope that it will be a long time before you arrive there. + + + + + + +LAYMAN'S SERMON + + The Young Men's Christian Association asked Mr. Clemens to + deliver a lay sermon at the Majestic Theatre, New York, March + 4, 1906. More than five thousand young men tried to get into + the theatre, and in a short time traffic was practically + stopped in the adjacent streets. The police reserves had to be + called out to thin the crowd. Doctor Fagnani had said + something before about the police episode, and Mr. Clemens took + it up. + +I have been listening to what was said here, and there is in it a lesson +of citizenship. You created the police, and you are responsible for +them. One must pause, therefore, before criticising them too harshly. +They are citizens, just as we are. A little of citizenship ought to be +taught at the mother's knee and in the nursery. Citizenship is what +makes a republic; monarchies can get along without it. What keeps a +republic on its legs is good citizenship. + +Organization is necessary in all things. It is even necessary in reform. +I was an organization myself once--for twelve hours. I was in Chicago a +few years ago about to depart for New York. There were with me Mr. +Osgood, a publisher, and a stenographer. I picked out a state-room on a +train, the principal feature of which was that it contained the privilege +of smoking. The train had started but a short time when the conductor +came in and said that there had been a mistake made, and asked that we +vacate the apartment. I refused, but when I went out on the platform +Osgood and the stenographer agreed to accept a section. They were too +modest. + +Now, I am not modest. I was born modest, but it didn't last. I asserted +myself; insisted upon my rights, and finally the Pullman Conductor and +the train conductor capitulated, and I was left in possession. + +I went into the dining--car the next morning for breakfast. Ordinarily +I only care for coffee and rolls, but this particular morning I espied an +important-looking man on the other side of the car eating broiled +chicken. I asked for broiled chicken, and I was told by the waiter and +later by the dining-car conductor that there was no broiled chicken. +There must have been an argument, for the Pullman conductor came in and +remarked: "If he wants broiled chicken, give it to him. If you haven't +got it on the train, stop somewhere. It will be better for all +concerned!" I got the chicken. + +It is from experiences such as these that you get your education of life, +and you string them into jewels or into tinware, as you may choose. +I have received recently several letters asking my counsel or advice. +The principal request is for some incident that may prove helpful to the +young. There were a lot of incidents in my career to help me along-- +sometimes they helped me along faster than I wanted to go. + +Here is such a request. It is a telegram from Joplin, Missouri, and it +reads: "In what one of your works can we find the definition of a +gentleman?" + +I have not answered that telegram, either; I couldn't. It seems to me +that if any man has just merciful and kindly instincts he would be a +gentleman, for he would need nothing else in the world. + +I received the other day a letter from my old friend, William Dean +Howells--Howells, the head of American literature. No one is able to +stand with him. He is an old, old friend of mine, and he writes me, +"To-morrow I shall be sixty-nine years old." Why, I am surprised at +Howells writing that! I have known him longer than that. I'm sorry to +see a man trying to appear so young. Let's see. Howells says now, +"I see you have been burying Patrick. I suppose he was old, too." + +No, he was never old--Patrick. He came to us thirty-six years ago. He +was my coachman on the morning that I drove my young bride to our new +home. He was a young Irishman, slender, tall, lithe, honest, truthful, +and he never changed in all his life. He really was with us but twenty- +five years, for he did not go with us to Europe, but he never regarded +that as separation. As the children grew up he was their guide. He was +all honor, honesty, and affection. He was with us in New Hampshire, with +us last summer, and his hair was just as black, his eyes were just as +blue, his form just as straight, and his heart just as good as on the day +we first met. In all the long years Patrick never made a mistake. He +never needed an order, he never received a command. He knew. I have +been asked for my idea of an ideal gentleman, and I give it to you +Patrick McAleer. + + + + + + +UNIVERSITY SETTLEMENT SOCIETY + + After the serious addresses were made, Seth Low introduced Mr. + Clemens at the Settlement House, February 2, 1901. + +The older we grow the greater becomes our, wonder at how much ignorance +one can contain without bursting one's clothes. Ten days ago I did not +know anything about the University Settlement except what I'd read in the +pamphlets sent me. Now, after being here and hearing Mrs. Hewitt and +Mrs. Thomas, it seems to me I know of nothing like it at all. It's a +charity that carries no humiliation with it. Marvellous it is, to think +of schools where you don't have to drive the children in but drive them +out. It was not so in my day. + +Down-stairs just now I saw a dancing lesson going on. You must pay a +cent for a lesson. You can't get it for nothing. That's the reason I +never learned to dance. + +But it was the pawnbroker's shop you have here that interested me +mightily. I've known something about pawnbrokers' shops in my time, but +here you have a wonderful plan. The ordinary pawnbroker charges thirty-- +six per cent. a year for a loan, and I've paid more myself, but here a +man or woman in distress can obtain a loan for one per cent. a month! +It's wonderful! + +I've been interested in all I've heard to-day, especially in the romances +recounted by Mrs. Thomas, which reminds me that I have a romance of my +own in my autobiography, which I am building for the instruction of the +world. + +In San Francisco, many years ago, when I was a newspaper reporter +(perhaps I should say I had been and was willing to be), a pawnbroker was +taking care of what property I had. There was a friend of mine, a poet, +out of a job, and he was having a hard time of it, too. There was +passage in it, but I guess I've got to keep that for the autobiography. + +Well, my friend the poet thought his life was a failure, and I told him I +thought it was, and then he said he thought he ought to commit suicide, +and I said "all right," which was disinterested advice to a friend in +trouble; but, like all such advice, there was just a little bit of self- +interest back of it, for if I could get a "scoop" on the other newspapers +I could get a job. + +The poet could be spared, and so, largely for his own good and partly for +mine, I kept the thing in his mind, which was necessary, as would-be +suicides are very changeable aid hard to hold to their purpose. He had a +preference for a pistol, which was an extravagance, for we hadn't enough +between us to hire a pistol. A fork would have been easier. + +And so he concluded to drown himself, and I said it was an excellent +idea--the only trouble being that he was so good a swimmer. So we went +down to the beach. I went along to see that the thing was done right. +Then something most romantic happened. There came in on the sea +something that had been on its way for three years. It rolled in across +the broad Pacific with a message that was full of meaning to that poor +poet and cast itself at his feet. It was a life-preserver! This was a +complication. And then I had an idea--he never had any, especially when +he was going to write poetry; I suggested that we pawn the life-preserver +and get a revolver. + +The pawnbroker gave us an old derringer with a bullet as big as a hickory +nut. When he heard that it was only a poet that was going to kill +himself he did not quibble. Well, we succeeded in sending a bullet right +through his head. It was a terrible moment when he placed that pistol +against his forehead and stood for an instant. I said, "Oh, pull the +trigger!" and he did, and cleaned out all the gray matter in his brains. +It carried the poetic faculty away, and now he's a useful member of +society. + +Now, therefore, I realize that there's no more beneficent institution +than this penny fund of yours, and I want all the poets to know this. +I did think about writing you a check, but now I think I'll send you a +few copies of what one of your little members called 'Strawberry Finn'. + + + + + + +PUBLIC EDUCATION ASSOCIATION + + ADDRESS AT A MEETING OF THE BERKELEY LYCEUM, NEW YORK, + NOVEMBER 23, 1900 + +I don't suppose that I am called here as an expert on education, for that +would show a lack of foresight on your part and a deliberate intention to +remind me of my shortcomings. + +As I sat here looking around for an idea it struck me that I was called +for two reasons. One was to do good to me, a poor unfortunate traveller +on the world's wide ocean, by giving me a knowledge of the nature and +scope of your society and letting me know that others beside myself have +been of some use in the world. The other reason that I can see is that +you have called me to show by way of contrast what education can +accomplish if administered in the right sort of doses. + +Your worthy president said that the school pictures, which have received +the admiration of the world at the Paris Exposition, have been sent to +Russia, and this was a compliment from that Government--which is very +surprising to me. Why, it is only an hour since I read a cablegram in +the newspapers beginning "Russia Proposes to Retrench." I was not +expecting such a thunderbolt, and I thought what a happy thing it will be +for Russians when the retrenchment will bring home the thirty thousand +Russian troops now in Manchuria, to live in peaceful pursuits. I thought +this was what Germany should do also without delay, and that France and +all the other nations in China should follow suit. + +Why should not China be free from the foreigners, who are only making +trouble on her soil? If they would only all go home, what a pleasant +place China would be for the Chinese! We do not allow Chinamen to come +here, and I say in all seriousness that it would be a graceful thing to +let China decide who shall go there. + +China never wanted foreigners any more than foreigners wanted Chinamen, +and on this question I am with the Boxers every time. The Boxer is a +patriot. He loves his country better than he does the countries of other +people. I wish him success. The Boxer believes in driving us out of his +country. I am a Boxer too, for I believe in driving him out of our +country. + +When I read the Russian despatch further my dream of world peace +vanished. It said that the vast expense of maintaining the army had made +it necessary to retrench, and so the Government had decided that to +support the army it would be necessary to withdraw the appropriation from +the public schools. This is a monstrous idea to us. + +We believe that out of the public school grows the greatness of a nation. + +It is curious to reflect how history repeats itself the world over. Why, +I remember the same thing was done when I was a boy on the Mississippi +River. There was a proposition in a township there to discontinue public +schools because they were too expensive. An old farmer spoke up and said +if they stopped the schools they would not save anything, because every +time a school was closed a jail had to be built. + +It's like feeding a dog on his own tail. He'll never get fat. I believe +it is better to support schools than jails. + +The work of your association is better and shows more wisdom than the +Czar of Russia and all his people. This is not much of a compliment, but +it's the best I've got in stock. + + + + + + +EDUCATION AND CITIZENSHIP + + On the evening of May 14, 1908, the alumni of the College of + the City of New York celebrated the opening of the new college + buildings at a banquet in the Waldorf Astoria. Mr. Clemens + followed Mayor McClellan. + +I agreed when the Mayor said that there was not a man within hearing who +did not agree that citizenship should be placed above everything else, +even learning. + +Have you ever thought about this? Is there a college in the whole +country where there is a chair of good citizenship? There is a kind of +bad citizenship which is taught in the schools, but no real good +citizenship taught. There are some which teach insane citizenship, +bastard citizenship, but that is all. Patriotism! Yes; but patriotism +is usually the refuge of the scoundrel. He is the man who talks the +loudest. + +You can begin that chair of citizenship in the College of the City of New +York. You can place it above mathematics and literature, and that is +where it belongs. + +We used to trust in God. I think it was in 1863 that some genius +suggested that it be put upon the gold and silver coins which circulated +among the rich. They didn't put it on the nickels and coppers because +they didn't think the poor folks had any trust in God. + +Good citizenship would teach accuracy of thinking and accuracy of +statement. Now, that motto on the coin is an overstatement. Those +Congressmen had no right to commit this whole country to a theological +doctrine. But since they did, Congress ought to state what our creed +should be. + +There was never a nation in the world that put its whole trust in God. +It is a statement made on insufficient evidence. Leaving out the +gamblers, the burglars, and the plumbers, perhaps we do put our trust in +God after a fashion. But, after all, it is an overstatement. + +If the cholera or black plague should come to these shores, perhaps the +bulk of the nation would pray to be delivered from it, but the rest would +put their trust in the Health Board of the City of New York. + +I read in the papers within the last day or two of a poor young girl who +they said was a leper. Did the people in that populous section of the +country where she was--did they put their trust in God? The girl was +afflicted with the leprosy, a disease which cannot be communicated from +one person to another. + +Yet, instead of putting their trust in God, they harried that poor +creature, shelterless and friendless, from place to place, exactly as +they did in the Middle Ages, when they made lepers wear bells, so that +people could be warned of their approach and avoid them. Perhaps those +people in the Middle Ages thought they were putting their trust in God. + +The President ordered the removal of that motto from the coin, and I +thought that it was well. I thought that overstatement should not stay +there. But I think it would better read, "Within certain judicious +limitations we trust in God," and if there isn't enough room on the coin +for this, why, enlarge the coin. + +Now I want to tell a story about jumping at conclusions. It was told to +me by Bram Stoker, and it concerns a christening. There was a little +clergyman who was prone to jump at conclusions sometimes. One day he was +invited to officiate at a christening. He went. There sat the +relatives--intelligent-looking relatives they were. The little +clergyman's instinct came to him to make a great speech. He was given to +flights of oratory that way--a very dangerous thing, for often the wings +which take one into clouds of oratorical enthusiasm are wax and melt up +there, and down you come. + +But the little clergyman couldn't resist. He took the child in his arms, +and, holding it, looked at it a moment. It wasn't much of a child. It +was little, like a sweet-potato. Then the little clergyman waited +impressively, and then: "I see in your countenances," he said, +"disappointment of him. I see you are disappointed with this baby. Why? +Because he is so little. My friends, if you had but the power of looking +into the future you might see that great things may come of little +things. There is the great ocean, holding the navies of the world, which +comes from little drops of water no larger than a woman's tears. There +are the great constellations in the sky, made up of little bits of stars. +Oh, if you could consider his future you might see that he might become +the greatest poet of the universe, the greatest warrior the world has +ever known, greater than Caesar, than Hannibal, than--er--er" (turning to +the father)--"what's his name?" + +The father hesitated, then whispered back: "His name? Well, his name is +Mary Ann." + + + + + + +COURAGE + + At a beefsteak dinner, given by artists, caricaturists, and + humorists of New York City, April 18, 1908, Mr. Clemens, Mr. H. + H. Rogers, and Mr. Patrick McCarren were the guests of honor. + Each wore a white apron, and each made a short speech. + +In the matter of courage we all have our limits. + +There never was a hero who did not have his bounds. I suppose it may be +said of Nelson and all the others whose courage has been advertised that +there came times in their lives when their bravery knew it had come to +its limit. + +I have found mine a good many times. Sometimes this was expected--often +it was unexpected. I know a man who is not afraid to sleep with a +rattlesnake, but you could not get him to sleep with a safety-razor. + +I never had the courage to talk across a long, narrow room I should be at +the end of the room facing all the audience. If I attempt to talk across +a room I find myself turning this way and that, and thus at alternate +periods I have part of the audience behind me. You ought never to have +any part of the audience behind you; you never can tell what they are +going to do. + +I'll sit down. + + + + + + +THE DINNER TO MR. CHOATE + + AT A DINNER GIVEN IN HONOR OF AMBASSADOR JOSEPH H. CHOATE AT + THE LOTOS CLUB, NOVEMBER 24, 7902 + + The speakers, among others, were: Senator Depew, William Henry + White, Speaker Thomas Reed, and Mr. Choate. Mr. Clemens spoke, + in part, as follows: + +The greatness of this country rests on two anecdotes. The first one is +that of Washington and his hatchet, representing the foundation of true +speaking, which is the characteristic of our people. The second one is +an old one, and I've been waiting to hear it to-night; but as nobody has +told it yet, I will tell it. + +You've heard it before, and you'll hear it many, many times more. It is +an anecdote of our guest, of the time when he was engaged as a young man +with a gentle Hebrew, in the process of skinning the client. The main +part in that business is the collection of the bill for services in +skinning the man. "Services" is the term used in that craft for the +operation of that kind-diplomatic in its nature. + +Choate's--co-respondent--made out a bill for $500 for his services, so +called. But Choate told him he had better leave the matter to him, and +the next day he collected the bill for the services and handed the Hebrew +$5000, saying, "That's your half of the loot," and inducing that +memorable response: "Almost thou persuadest me to be a Christian." + +The deep-thinkers didn't merely laugh when that happened. They stopped +to think, and said "There's a rising man. He must be rescued from the +law and consecrated to diplomacy. The commercial advantages of a great +nation lie there in that man's keeping. We no longer require a man to +take care of our moral character before the world. Washington and his +anecdote have done that. We require a man to take care of our commercial +prosperity." + +Mr. Choate has carried that trait with him, and, as Mr. Carnegie has +said, he has worked like a mole underground. + +We see the result when American railroad iron is sold so cheap in England +that the poorest family can have it. He has so beguiled that Cabinet of +England. + +He has been spreading the commerce of this nation, and has depressed +English commerce in the same ratio. This was the principle underlying +that anecdote, and the wise men saw it; the principle of give and take-- +give one and take ten--the principle of diplomacy. + + + + + + +ON STANLEY AND LIVINGSTONE + + Mr. Clemens was entertained at dinner by the Whitefriars' Club, + London, at the Mitre Tavern, on the evening of August 6, 1872. + In reply to the toast in his honor he said: + +GENTLEMEN,--I thank you very heartily indeed for this expression of +kindness toward me. What I have done for England and civilization in the +arduous affairs which I have engaged in (that is good: that is so smooth +that I will say it again and again)--what I have done for England and +civilization in the arduous part I have performed I have done with a +single-hearted devotion and with no hope of reward. I am proud, I am +very proud, that it was reserved for me to find Doctor Livingstone and +for Mr. Stanley to get all the credit. I hunted for that man in Africa +all over seventy-five or one hundred parishes, thousands and thousands of +miles in the wilds and deserts all over the place, sometimes riding +negroes and sometimes travelling by rail. I didn't mind the rail or +anything else, so that I didn't come in for the tar and feathers. I +found that man at Ujiji--a place you may remember if you have ever been +there--and it was a very great satisfaction that I found him just in the +nick of time. I found that poor old man deserted by his niggers and by +his geographers, deserted by all of his kind except the gorillas-- +dejected, miserable, famishing, absolutely famishing--but he was +eloquent. Just as I found him he had eaten his last elephant, and he +said to me: "God knows where I shall get another." He had nothing to +wear except his venerable and honorable naval suit, and nothing to eat +but his diary. + +But I said to him: "It is all right; I have discovered you, and Stanley +will be here by the four-o'clock train and will discover you officially, +and then we will turn to and have a reg'lar good time." I said: "Cheer +up, for Stanley has got corn, ammunition, glass beads, hymn-books, +whiskey, and everything which the human heart can desire; he has got all +kinds of valuables, including telegraph-poles and a few cart-loads of +money. By this time communication has been made with the land of Bibles +and civilization, and property will advance." And then we surveyed all +that country, from Ujiji, through Unanogo and other places, to +Unyanyembe. I mention these names simply for your edification, nothing +more--do not expect it--particularly as intelligence to the Royal +Geographical Society. And then, having filled up the old man, we were +all too full for utterance and departed. We have since then feasted on +honors. + +Stanley has received a snuff-box and I have received considerable snuff; +he has got to write a book and gather in the rest of the credit, and I am +going to levy on the copyright and to collect the money. Nothing comes +amiss to me--cash or credit; but, seriously, I do feel that Stanley is +the chief man and an illustrious one, and I do applaud him with all my +heart. Whether he is an American or a Welshman by birth, or one, or +both, matters not to me. So far as I am personally concerned, I am +simply here to stay a few months, and to see English people and to learn +English manners and customs, and to enjoy myself; so the simplest thing I +can do is to thank you for the toast you have honored me with and for the +remarks you have made, and to wish health and prosperity to the +Whitefriars' Club, and to sink down to my accustomed level. + + + + + + +HENRY M. STANLEY + + ADDRESS DELIVERED IN BOSTON, NOVEMBER, 1886 + + Mr. Clemens introduced Mr. Stanley. + +LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, if any should ask, Why is it that you are here as +introducer of the lecturer? I should answer that I happened to be around +and was asked to perform this function. I was quite willing to do so, +and, as there was no sort of need of an introduction, anyway, it could be +necessary only that some person come forward for a moment and do an +unnecessary thing, and this is quite in my line. Now, to introduce so +illustrious a name as Henry M. Stanley by any detail of what the man has +done is clear aside from my purpose; that would be stretching the +unnecessary to an unconscionable degree. When I contrast what I have +achieved in my measurably brief life with what he has achieved in his +possibly briefer one, the effect is to sweep utterly away the ten-story +edifice of my own self-appreciation and leave nothing behind but the +cellar. When you compare these achievements of his with the achievements +of really great men who exist in history, the comparison, I believe, is +in his favor. I am not here to disparage Columbus. + +No, I won't do that; but when you come to regard the achievements of +these two men, Columbus and Stanley, from the standpoint of the +difficulties they encountered, the advantage is with Stanley and against +Columbus. Now, Columbus started out to discover America. Well, he +didn't need to do anything at all but sit in the cabin of his ship and +hold his grip and sail straight on, and America would discover itself. +Here it was, barring his passage the whole length and breadth of the +South American continent, and he couldn't get by it. He'd got to +discover it. But Stanley started out to find Doctor Livingstone, who was +scattered abroad, as you may say, over the length and breadth of a vast +slab of Africa as big as the United States. + +It was a blind kind of search. He was the worst scattered of men. But I +will throw the weight of this introduction upon one very peculiar feature +of Mr. Stanley's character, and that is his indestructible Americanism-- +an Americanism which he is proud of. And in this day and time, when it +is the custom to ape and imitate English methods and fashion, it is like +a breath of fresh air to stand in the presence of this untainted American +citizen who has been caressed and complimented by half of the crowned +heads of Europe who could clothe his body from his head to his heels with +the orders and decorations lavished upon him. And yet, when the untitled +myriads of his own country put out their hands in welcome to him and +greet him, "Well done," through the Congress of the United States, that +is the crown that is worth all the rest to him. He is a product of +institutions which exist in no other country on earth-institutions that +bring out all that is best and most heroic in a man. I introduce Henry +M. Stanley. + + + + + + +DINNER TO MR. JEROME + + A dinner to express their confidence in the integrity and good + judgment of District-Attorney Jerome was given at Delmonico's + by over three hundred of his admirers on the evening of May 7, + 1909. + +Indeed, that is very sudden. I was not informed that the verdict was +going to depend upon my judgment, but that makes not the least difference +in the world when you already know all about it. It is not any matter +when you are called upon to express it; you can get up and do it, and my +verdict has already been recorded in my heart and in my head as regards +Mr. Jerome and his administration of the criminal affairs of this county. + +I agree with everything Mr. Choate has said in his letter regarding Mr. +Jerome; I agree with everything Mr. Shepard has said; and I agree with +everything Mr. Jerome has said in his own commendation. And I thought +Mr. Jerome was modest in that. If he had been talking about another +officer of this county, he could have painted the joys and sorrows of +office and his victories in even stronger language than he did. + +I voted for Mr. Jerome in those old days, and I should like to vote for +him again if he runs for any office. I moved out of New York, and that +is the reason, I suppose, I cannot vote for him again. There may be some +way, but I have not found it out. But now I am a farmer--a farmer up in +Connecticut, and winning laurels. Those people already speak with such +high favor, admiration, of my farming, and they say that I am the only +man that has ever come to that region who could make two blades of grass +grow where only three grew before. + +Well, I cannot vote for him. You see that. As it stands now, I cannot. +I am crippled in that way and to that extent, for I would ever so much +like to do it. I am not a Congress, and I cannot distribute pensions, +and I don't know any other legitimate way to buy a vote. But if I should +think of any legitimate way, I shall make use of it, and then I shall +vote for Mr. Jerome. + + + + + + +HENRY IRVING + + The Dramatic and Literary Society of London gave a welcome-home + dinner to Sir Henry Irving at the Savoy Hotel, London, June 9, + 1900. In proposing the toast of "The Drama" Mr. Clemens said: + +I find my task a very easy one. I have been a dramatist for thirty +years. I have had an ambition in all that time to overdo the work of the +Spaniard who said he left behind him four hundred dramas when he died. +I leave behind me four hundred and fifteen, and am not yet dead. + +The greatest of all the arts is to write a drama. It is a most difficult +thing. It requires the highest talent possible and the rarest gifts. +No, there is another talent that ranks with it--for anybody can write a +drama--I had four hundred of them--but to get one accepted requires real +ability. And I have never had that felicity yet. + +But human nature is so constructed, we are so persistent, that when we +know that we are born to a thing we do not care what the world thinks +about it. We go on exploiting that talent year after year, as I have +done. I shall go on writing dramas, and some day the impossible may +happen, but I am not looking for it. + +In writing plays the chief thing is novelty. The world grows tired of +solid forms in all the arts. I struck a new idea myself years ago. +I was not surprised at it. I was always expecting it would happen. +A person who has suffered disappointment for many years loses confidence, +and I thought I had better make inquiries before I exploited my new idea +of doing a drama in the form of a dream, so I wrote to a great authority +on knowledge of all kinds, and asked him whether it was new. + +I could depend upon him. He lived in my dear home in America--that dear +home, dearer to me through taxes. He sent me a list of plays in which +that old device had been used, and he said that there was also a modern +lot. He travelled back to China and to a play dated two thousand six +hundred years before the Christian era. He said he would follow it up +with a list of the previous plays of the kind, and in his innocence would +have carried them back to the Flood. + +That is the most discouraging thing that has ever happened to me in my +dramatic career. I have done a world of good in a silent and private +way, and have furnished Sir Henry Irving with plays and plays and plays. +What has he achieved through that influence. See where he stands now-- +on the summit of his art in two worlds and it was I who put him there +--that partly put him there. + +I need not enlarge upon the influence the drama has exerted upon +civilization. It has made good morals entertaining. I am to be followed +by Mr. Pinero. I conceive that we stand at the head of the profession. +He has not written as many plays as I have, but he has lead that God- +given talent, which I lack, of working hem off on the manager. I couple +his name with this toast, and add the hope that his influence will be +supported in exercising his masterly handicraft in that great gift, and +that he will long live to continue his fine work. + + + + + + +DINNER TO HAMILTON W. MABIE + + ADDRESS DELIVERED APRIL 29, 1901 + + In introducing Mr. Clemens, Doctor Van Dyke said: + + "The longer the speaking goes on to-night the more I wonder how + I got this job, and the only explanation I can give for it is + that it is the same kind of compensation for the number of + articles I have sent to The Outlook, to be rejected by Hamilton + W. Mabie. There is one man here to-night that has a job cut + out for him that none of you would have had--a man whose humor + has put a girdle of light around the globe, and whose sense of + humor has been an example for all five continents. He is going + to speak to you. Gentlemen, you know him best as Mark Twain." + +MR. CHAIRMAN AND GENTLEMEN,--This man knows now how it feels to be the +chief guest, and if he has enjoyed it he is the first man I have ever +seen in that position that did enjoy it. And I know, by side-remarks +which he made to me before his ordeal came upon him, that he was feeling +as some of the rest of us have felt under the same circumstances. He was +afraid that he would not do himself justice; but he did--to my surprise. +It is a most serious thing to be a chief guest on an occasion like this, +and it is admirable, it is fine. It is a great compliment to a man that +he shall come out of it so gloriously as Mr. Mabie came out of it +tonight--to my surprise. He did it well. + +He appears to be editor of The Outlook, and notwithstanding that, I have +every admiration, because when everything is said concerning The Outlook, +after all one must admit that it is frank in its delinquencies, that it +is outspoken in its departures from fact, that it is vigorous in its +mistaken criticisms of men like me. I have lived in this world a long, +long time, and I know you must not judge a man by the editorials that he +puts in his paper. A man is always better than his printed opinions. +A man always reserves to himself on the inside a purity and an honesty +and a justice that are a credit to him, whereas the things that he prints +are just the reverse. + +Oh yes, you must not judge a man by what he writes in his paper. Even in +an ordinary secular paper a man must observe some care about it; he must +be better than the principles which he puts in print. And that is the +case with Mr. Mabie. Why, to see what he writes about me and the +missionaries you would think he did not have any principles. But that is +Mr. Mabie in his public capacity. Mr. Mabie in his private capacity is +just as clean a man as I am. + +In this very room, a month or two ago, some people admired that portrait; +some admired this, but the great majority fastened on that, and said, +"There is a portrait that is a beautiful piece of art." When that +portrait is a hundred years old it will suggest what were the manners and +customs in our time. Just as they talk about Mr. Mabie to-night, in that +enthusiastic way, pointing out the various virtues of the man and the +grace of his spirit, and all that, so was that portrait talked about. +They were enthusiastic, just as we men have been over the character and +the work of Mr. Mabie. And when they were through they said that +portrait, fine as it is, that work, beautiful as it is, that piece of +humanity on that canvas, gracious and fine as it is, does not rise to +those perfections that exist in the man himself. Come up, Mr. Alexander. +[The reference was to James W. Alexander, who happened to be sitting-- +beneath the portrait of himself on the wall.] Now, I should come up and +show myself. But he cannot do it, he cannot do it. He was born that +way, he was reared in that way. Let his modesty be an example, and I +wish some of you had it, too. But that is just what I have been saying +--that portrait, fine as it is, is not as fine as the man it represents, +and all the things that have been said about Mr. Mabie, and certainly +they have been very nobly worded and beautiful, still fall short of the +real Mabie. + + + + + + +INTRODUCING NYE AND RILEY + + James Whitcomb Riley and Edgar Wilson Nye (Bill Nye) were to + give readings in Tremont Temple, Boston, November, 1888. Mr. + Clemens was induced to introduce Messrs. Riley and Nye. His + appearance on the platform was a surprise to the audience, and + when they recognized him there was a tremendous demonstration. + +I am very glad indeed to introduce these young people to you, and at the +same time get acquainted with them myself. I have seen them more than +once for a moment, but have not had the privilege of knowing them +personally as intimately as I wanted to. I saw them first, a great many +years ago, when Mr. Barnum had them, and they were just fresh from Siam. +The ligature was their best hold then, the literature became their best +hold later, when one of them committed an indiscretion, and they had to +cut the old bond to accommodate the sheriff. + +In that old former time this one was Chang, that one was Eng. The +sympathy existing between the two was most extraordinary; it was so fine, +so strong, so subtle, that what the one ate the other digested; when one +slept, the other snored; if one sold a thing, the other scooped the +usufruct. This independent and yet dependent action was observable in +all the details of their daily life--I mean this quaint and arbitrary +distribution of originating cause and resulting effect between the two- +between, I may say, this dynamo and the other always motor, or, in other +words, that the one was always the creating force, the other always the +utilizing force; no, no, for while it is true that within certain well- +defined zones of activity the one was always dynamo and the other always +motor, within certain other well-defined zones these positions became +exactly reversed. + +For instance, in moral matters Mr. Chang Riley was always dynamo, Mr. Eng +Nye was always motor; for while Mr. Chang Riley had a high--in fact, an +abnormally high and fine moral sense, he had no machinery to work it +with; whereas, Mr. Eng Nye, who hadn't any moral sense at all, and hasn't +yet, was equipped with all the necessary plant for putting a noble deed +through, if he could only get the inspiration on reasonable terms +outside. + +In intellectual matters, on the other hand, Mr. Eng Nye was always +dynamo, Mr. Chang Riley was always motor; Mr. Eng Nye had a stately +intellect, but couldn't make it go; Mr. Chang Riley hadn't, but could. +That is to say, that while Mr. Chang Riley couldn't think things himself, +he had a marvellous natural grace in setting them down and weaving them +together when his pal furnished the raw material. + +Thus, working together, they made a strong team; laboring together, they +could do miracles; but break the circuit, and both were impotent. It has +remained so to this day: they must travel together, hoe, and plant, and +plough, and reap, and sell their public together, or there's no result. + +I have made this explanation, this analysis, this vivisection, so to +speak, in order that you may enjoy these delightful adventurers +understandingly. When Mr. Eng Nye's deep and broad and limpid +philosophies flow by in front of you, refreshing all the regions round +about with their gracious floods, you will remember that it isn't his +water; it's the other man's, and he is only working the pump. And when +Mr. Chang Riley enchants your ear, and soothes your spirit, and touches +your heart with the sweet and genuine music of his poetry--as sweet and +as genuine as any that his friends, the birds and the bees, make about +his other friends, the woods and the flowers--you will remember, while +placing justice where justice is due, that it isn't his music, but the +other man's--he is only turning the crank. + +I beseech for these visitors a fair field, a singleminded, one-eyed +umpire, and a score bulletin barren of goose-eggs if they earn it--and I +judge they will and hope they will. Mr. James Whitcomb Chang Riley will +now go to the bat. + + + + + + +DINNER TO WHITELAW REID + + ADDRESS AT THE DINNER IN HONOR OF AMBASSADOR REID, GIVEN BY THE + PILGRIMS' CLUB OF NEW YORK ON FEBRUARY 19, 1908 + +I am very proud to respond to this toast, as it recalls the proudest day +of my life. The delightful hospitality shown me at the time of my visit +to Oxford I shall cherish until I die. In that long and distinguished +career of mine I value that degree above all other honors. When the ship +landed even the stevedores gathered on the shore and gave an English +cheer. Nothing could surpass in my life the pleasure of those four +weeks. No one could pass by me without taking my hand, even the +policemen. I've been in all the principal capitals of Christendom in my +life, and have always been an object of interest to policemen. Sometimes +there was suspicion in their eyes, but not always. With their puissant +hand they would hold up the commerce of the world to let me pass. + +I noticed in the papers this afternoon a despatch from Washington, saying +that Congress would immediately pass a bill restoring to our gold coinage +the motto "In God We Trust." I'm glad of that; I'm glad of that. I was +troubled when that motto was removed. Sure enough, the prosperities of +the whole nation went down in a heap when we ceased to trust in God in +that conspicuously advertised way. I knew there would be trouble. And +if Pierpont Morgan hadn't stepped in-- Bishop Lawrence may now add to his +message to the old country that we are now trusting in God again. So we +can discharge Mr. Morgan from his office with honor. + +Mr. Reid said an hour or so ago something about my ruining my activities +last summer. They are not ruined, they are renewed. I am stronger now +--much stronger. I suppose that the spiritual uplift I received +increased my physical power more than anything I ever had before. I was +dancing last night at 1.30 o'clock. + +Mr. Choate has mentioned Mr. Reid's predecessors. Mr. Choate's head is +full of history, and some of it is true, too. I enjoyed hearing him tell +about the list of the men who had the place before he did. He mentioned +a long list of those predecessors, people I never heard of before, and +elected five of them to the Presidency by his own vote. I'm glad and +proud to find Mr. Reid in that high position, because he didn't look it +when I knew him forty years ago. I was talking to Reid the other day, +and he showed me my autograph on an old paper twenty years old. I didn't +know I had an autograph twenty years ago. Nobody ever asked me for it. + +I remember a dinner I had long ago with Whitelaw Reid and John Hay at +Reid's expense. I had another last summer when I was in London at the +embassy that Choate blackguards so. I'd like to live there. + +Some people say they couldn't live on the salary, but I could live on the +salary and the nation together. Some of us don't appreciate what this +country can do. There's John Hay, Reid, Choate, and me. This is the +only country in the world where youth, talent, and energy can reach such +heights. It shows what we could do without means, and what people can do +with talent and energy when they find it in people like us. + +When I first came to New York they were all struggling young men, and I +am glad to see that they have got on in the world. I knew John Hay when +I had no white hairs in my head and more hair than Reid has now. Those +were days of joy and hope. Reid and Hay were on the staff of the +Tribune. I went there once in that old building, and I looked all around +and I finally found a door ajar and looked in. It wasn't Reid or Hay +there, but it was Horace Greeley. Those were in the days when Horace +Greeley was a king. That was the first time I ever saw him and the last. + +I was admiring him when he stopped and seemed to realize that there was a +fine presence there somewhere. He tried to smile, but he was out of +smiles. He looked at me a moment, and said: + +"What in H--- do you want?" + +He began with that word "H." That's a long word and a profane word. +I don't remember what the word was now, but I recognized the power of it. +I had never used that language myself, but at that moment I was +converted. It has been a great refuge for me in time of trouble. If a +man doesn't know that language he can't express himself on strenuous +occasions. When you have that word at your command let trouble come. + +But later Hay rose, and you know what summit Whitelaw Reid has reached, +and you see me. Those two men have regulated troubles of nations and +conferred peace upon mankind. And in my humble way, of which I am quite +vain, I was the principal moral force in all those great international +movements. These great men illustrated what I say. Look at us great +people--we all come from the dregs of society. That's what can be done +in this country. That's what this country does for you. + +Choate here--he hasn't got anything to say, but he says it just the same, +and he can do it so felicitously, too. I said long ago he was the +handsomest man America ever produced. May the progress of civilization +always rest on such distinguished men as it has in the past! + + + + + + +ROGERS AND RAILROADS + + AT A BANQUET GIVEN MR. H. H. ROGERS BY THE BUSINESS MEN OF + NORFOLK, VA., CELEBRATING THE OPENING OF THE VIRGINIAN RAILWAY, + APRIL, 3, 1909 + + Toastmaster: + + "I have often thought that when the time comes, which must come + to all of us, when we reach that Great Way in the Great Beyond, + and the question is propounded, 'What have you done to gain + admission into this great realm?' if the answer could be + sincerely made, 'I have made men laugh,' it would be the surest + passport to a welcome entrance. We have here to-night one who + has made millions laugh--not the loud laughter that bespeaks + the vacant mind, but the laugh of intelligent mirth that helps + the human heart and the human mind. I refer, of course, to + Doctor Clemens. I was going to say Mark Twain, his literary + title, which is a household phrase in more homes than that of + any other man, and you know him best by that dear old title." + +I thank you, Mr. Toastmaster, for the compliment which you have paid me, +and I am sure I would rather have made people laugh than cry, yet in my +time I have made some of them cry; and before I stop entirely I hope to +make some more of them cry. I like compliments. I deal in them myself. +I have listened with the greatest pleasure to the compliments which the +chairman has paid to Mr. Rogers and that road of his to-night, and I hope +some of them are deserved. + +It is no small distinction to a man like that to sit here before an +intelligent crowd like this and to be classed with Napoleon and Caesar. +Why didn't he say that this was the proudest day of his life? Napoleon +and Caesar are dead, and they can't be here to defend themselves. But +I'm here! + +The chairman said, and very truly, that the most lasting thing in the +hands of man are the roads which Caesar built, and it is true that he +built a lot of them; and they are there yet. + +Yes, Caesar built a lot of roads in England, and you can find them. But +Rogers has only built one road, and he hasn't finished that yet. I like +to hear my old friend complimented, but I don't like to hear it overdone. + +I didn't go around to-day with the others to see what he is doing. I +will do that in a quiet time, when there is not anything going on, and +when I shall not be called upon to deliver intemperate compliments on a +railroad in which I own no stock. + +They proposed that I go along with the committee and help inspect that +dump down yonder. I didn't go. I saw that dump. I saw that thing when +I was coming in on the steamer, and I didn't go because I was diffident, +sentimentally diffident, about going and looking at that thing again-- +that great, long, bony thing; it looked just like Mr. Rogers's foot. + +The chairman says Mr. Rogers is full of practical wisdom, and he is. +It is intimated here that he is a very ingenious man, and he, is a very +competent financier. Maybe he is now, but it was not always so. I know +lots of private things in his life which people don't know, and I know +how he started; and it was not a very good start. I could have done +better myself. The first time he crossed the Atlantic he had just made +the first little strike in oil, and he was so young he did not like to +ask questions. He did not like to appear ignorant. To this day he don't +like to appear ignorant, but he can look as ignorant as anybody. +On board the ship they were betting on the run of the ship, betting a +couple of shillings, or half a crown, and they proposed that this youth +from the oil regions should bet on the run of the ship. He did not like +to ask what a half-crown was, and he didn't know; but rather than be +ashamed of himself he did bet half a crown on the run of the ship, and in +bed he could not sleep. He wondered if he could afford that outlay in +case he lost. He kept wondering over it, and said to himself: "A king's +crown must be worth $20,000, so half a crown would cost $10,000." +He could not afford to bet away $10,000 on the run of the ship, so he +went up to the stakeholder and gave him $150 to let him off. + +I like to hear Mr. Rogers complimented. I am not stingy in compliments +to him myself. Why, I did it to-day when I sent his wife a telegram to +comfort her. That is the kind of person I am. I knew she would be +uneasy about him. I knew she would be solicitous about what he might do +down here, so I did it to quiet her and to comfort her. I said he was +doing well for a person out of practice. There is nothing like it. +He is like I used to be. There were times when I was careless--careless +in my dress when I got older. You know how uncomfortable your wife can +get when you are going away without her superintendence. Once when my +wife could not go with me (she always went with me when she could-- +I always did meet that kind of luck), I was going to Washington once, a +long time ago, in Mr. Cleveland's first administration, and she could not +go; but, in her anxiety that I should not desecrate the house, she made +preparation. She knew that there was to be a reception of those authors +at the White House at seven o'clock in the evening. She said, "If I +should tell you now what I want to ask of you, you would forget it before +you get to Washington, and, therefore, I have written it on a card, and +you will find it in your dress--vest pocket when you are dressing at the +Arlington--when you are dressing to see the President." I never thought +of it again until I was dressing, and I felt in that pocket and took it +out, and it said, in a kind of imploring way, "Don't wear your arctics in +the White House." + +You complimented Mr. Rogers on his energy, his foresightedness, +complimented him in various ways, and he has deserved those compliments, +although I say it myself; and I enjoy them all. There is one side of Mr. +Rogers that has not been mentioned. If you will leave that to me I will +touch upon that. There was a note in an editorial in one of the Norfolk +papers this morning that touched upon that very thing, that hidden side +of Mr. Rogers, where it spoke of Helen Keller and her affection for Mr. +Rogers, to whom she dedicated her life book. And she has a right to feel +that way, because, without the public knowing anything about it, he +rescued, if I may use that term, that marvellous girl, that wonderful +Southern girl, that girl who was stone deaf, blind, and dumb from +scarlet-fever when she was a baby eighteen months old; and who now is as +well and thoroughly educated as any woman on this planet at twenty-nine +years of age. She is the most marvellous person of her sex that has +existed on this earth since Joan of Arc. + +That is not all Mr. Rogers has done; but you never see that side of his +character, because it is never protruding; but he lends a helping hand +daily out of that generous heart of his. You never hear of it. He is +supposed to be a moon which has one side dark and the other bright. +But the other side, though you don't see it, is not dark; it is bright, +and its rays penetrate, and others do see it who are not God. + +I would take this opportunity to tell something that I have never been +allowed to tell by Mr. Rogers, either by my mouth or in print, and if I +don't look at him I can tell it now. + +In 1893, when the publishing company of Charles L. Webster, of which I +was financial agent, failed, it left me heavily in debt. If you will +remember what commerce was at that time you will recall that you could +not sell anything, and could not buy anything, and I was on my back; my +books were not worth anything at all, and I could not give away my +copyrights. Mr. Rogers had long enough vision ahead to say, "Your books +have supported you before, and after the panic is over they will support +you again," and that was a correct proposition. He saved my copyrights, +and saved me from financial ruin. He it was who arranged with my +creditors to allow me to roam the face of the earth for four years and +persecute the nations thereof with lectures, promising that at the end of +four years I would pay dollar for dollar. That arrangement was made; +otherwise I would now be living out-of-doors under an umbrella, and a +borrowed one at that. + +You see his white mustache and his head trying to get white (he is always +trying to look like me--I don't blame him for that). These are only +emblematic of his character, and that is all. I say, without exception, +hair and all, he is the whitest man I have ever known. + + + + + + +THE OLD-FASHIONED PRINTER + + ADDRESS AT THE TYPOTHETAE DINNER GIVEN AT DELMONICO'S, + JANUARY 18, 1886, COMMEMORATING THE BIRTHDAY OF + BENJAMIN FRANKLIN + + Mr. Clemens responded to the toast "The Compositor." + +The chairman's historical reminiscences of Gutenberg have caused me to +fall into reminiscences, for I myself am something of an antiquity. +All things change in the procession of years, and it may be that I am +among strangers. It may be that the printer of to-day is not the printer +of thirty-five years ago. I was no stranger to him. I knew him well. +I built his fire for him in the winter mornings; I brought his water from +the village pump; I swept out his office; I picked up his type from under +his stand; and, if he were there to see, I put the good type in his case +and the broken ones among the "hell matter"; and if he wasn't there to +see, I dumped it all with the "pi" on the imposing-stone--for that was +the furtive fashion of the cub, and I was a cub. I wetted down the paper +Saturdays, I turned it Sundays--for this was a country weekly; I rolled, +I washed the rollers, I washed the forms, I folded the papers, I carried +them around at dawn Thursday mornings. The carrier was then an object of +interest to all the dogs in town. If I had saved up all the bites I ever +received, I could keep M. Pasteur busy for a year. I enveloped the +papers that were for the mail--we had a hundred town subscribers and +three hundred and fifty country ones; the town subscribers paid in +groceries and the country ones in cabbages and cord-wood--when they paid +at all, which was merely sometimes, and then we always stated the fact in +the paper, and gave them a puff; and if we forgot it they stopped the +paper. Every man on the town list helped edit the thing--that is, +he gave orders as to how it was to be edited; dictated its opinions, +marked out its course for it, and every time the boss failed to connect +he stopped his paper. We were just infested with critics, and we tried +to satisfy them all over. We had one subscriber who paid cash, and he +was more trouble than all the rest. He bought us once a year, body and +soul, for two dollars. He used to modify our politics every which way, +and he made us change our religion four times in five years. If we ever +tried to reason with him, he would threaten to stop his paper, and, of +course, that meant bankruptcy and destruction. That man used to write +articles a column and a half long, leaded long primer, and sign them +"Junius," or "Veritas," or "Vox Populi," or some other high-sounding rot; +and then, after it was set up, he would come in and say he had changed +his mind-which was a gilded figure of speech, because he hadn't any--and +order it to be left out. We couldn't afford "bogus" in that office, so +we always took the leads out, altered the signature, credited the article +to the rival paper in the next village, and put it in. Well, we did have +one or two kinds of "bogus." Whenever there was a barbecue, or a circus, +or a baptizing, we knocked off for half a day, and then to make up for +short matter we would "turn over ads"--turn over the whole page and +duplicate it. The other "bogus" was deep philosophical stuff, which we +judged nobody ever read; so we kept a galley of it standing, and kept on +slapping the same old batches of it in, every now and then, till it got +dangerous. Also, in the early days of the telegraph we used to economize +on the news. We picked out the items that were pointless and barren of +information and stood them on a galley, and changed the dates and +localities, and used them over and over again till the public interest in +them was worn to the bone. We marked the ads, but we seldom paid any +attention to the marks afterward; so the life of a "td" ad and a "tf" ad +was equally eternal. I have seen a "td" notice of a sheriff's sale still +booming serenely along two years after the sale was over, the sheriff +dead, and the whole circumstance become ancient history. Most of the +yearly ads were patent-medicine stereotypes, and we used to fence with +them. + +I can see that printing-office of prehistoric times yet, with its horse +bills on, the walls, its "d" boxes clogged with tallow, because we always +stood the candle in the "k" box nights, its towel, which was not +considered soiled until it could stand alone, and other signs and symbols +that marked the establishment of that kind in the Mississippi Valley; +and I can see, also, the tramping "jour," who flitted by in the summer +and tarried a day, with his wallet stuffed with one shirt and a hatful of +handbills; for if he couldn't get any type to set he would do a +temperance lecture. His way of life was simple, his needs not complex; +all he wanted was plate and bed and money enough to get drunk on, and he +was satisfied. But it may be, as I have said, that I am among strangers, +and sing the glories of a forgotten age to unfamiliar ears, so I will +"make even" and stop. + + + + + + +SOCIETY OF AMERICAN AUTHORS + + On November 15, 1900, the society gave a reception to Mr. + Clemens, who came with his wife and daughter. So many members + surrounded the guests that Mr. Clemens asked: "Is this genuine + popularity or is it all a part of a prearranged programme?" + +MR. CHAIRMAN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,--It seems a most difficult thing for +any man to say anything about me that is not complimentary. I don't know +what the charm is about me which makes it impossible for a person to say +a harsh thing about me and say it heartily, as if he was glad to say it. + +If this thing keeps on it will make me believe that I am what these kind +chairmen say of me. In introducing me, Judge Ransom spoke of my modesty +as if he was envious of me. I would like to have one man come out flat- +footed and say something harsh and disparaging of me, even if it were +true. I thought at one time, as the learned judge was speaking, that I +had found that man; but he wound up, like all the others, by saying +complimentary things. + +I am constructed like everybody else, and enjoy a compliment as well as +any other fool, but I do like to have the other side presented. And +there is another side. I have a wicked side. Estimable friends who know +all about it would tell you and take a certain delight in telling you +things that I have done, and things further that I have not repented. + +The real life that I live, and the real life that I suppose all of you +live, is a life of interior sin. That is what makes life valuable and +pleasant. To lead a life of undiscovered sin! That is true joy. + +Judge Ransom seems to have all the virtues that he ascribes to me. But, +oh my! if you could throw an X-ray through him. We are a pair. I have +made a life-study of trying to appear to be what he seems to think I am. +Everybody believes that I am a monument of all the virtues, but it is +nothing of the sort. I am living two lives, and it keeps me pretty busy. + +Some day there will be a chairman who will forget some of these merits of +mine, and then he will make a speech. + +I have more personal vanity than modesty, and twice as much veracity as +the two put together. + +When that fearless and forgetful chairman is found there will be another +story told. At the Press Club recently I thought that I had found +him. He started in in the way that I knew I should be painted with all +sincerity, and was leading to things that would not be to my credit; but +when he said that he never read a book of mine I knew at once that he was +a liar, because he never could have had all the wit and intelligence with +which he was blessed unless he had read my works as a basis. + +I like compliments. I like to go home and tell them all over again to +the members of my family. They don't believe them, but I like to tell +them in the home circle, all the same. I like to dream of them if I can. + +I thank everybody for their compliments, but I don't think that I am +praised any more than I am entitled to be. + + + + + + +READING-ROOM OPENING + + On October 13, 1900, Mr. Clemens made his last address + preceding his departure for America at Kensal Rise, London. + +I formally declare this reading-room open, and I think that the +legislature should not compel a community to provide itself with +intelligent food, but give it the privilege of providing it if the +community so desires. + +If the community is anxious to have a reading-room it would put its hand +in its pocket and bring out the penny tax. I think it a proof of the +healthy, moral, financial, and mental condition of the community if it +taxes itself for its mental food. + +A reading-room is the proper introduction to a library, leading up +through the newspapers and magazines to other literature. What would we +do without newspapers? + +Look at the rapid manner in which the news of the Galveston disaster was +made known to the entire world. This reminds me of an episode which +occurred fifteen years ago when I was at church in Hartford, Connecticut. + +The clergyman decided to make a collection for the survivors, if any. +He did not include me among the leading citizens who took the plates +around for collection. I complained to the governor of his lack of +financial trust in me, and he replied: "I would trust you myself--if you +had a bell-punch." + +You have paid me many compliments, and I like to listen to compliments. +I indorse all your chairman has said to you about the union of England +and America. He also alluded to my name, of which I am rather fond. + +A little girl wrote me from New Zealand in a letter I received yesterday, +stating that her father said my proper name was not Mark Twain but Samuel +Clemens, but that she knew better, because Clemens was the name of the +man who sold the patent medicine, and his name was not Mark. She was +sure it was Mark Twain, because Mark is in the Bible and Twain is in the +Bible. + +I was very glad to get that expression of confidence in my origin, and as +I now know my name to be a scriptural one, I am not without hopes of +making it worthy. + + + + + + +LITERATURE + + ADDRESS AT THE ROYAL LITERARY FUND BANQUET, LONDON, MAY 4, 1900 + + Anthony Hope introduced Mr. Clemens to make the response to the + toast "Literature." + +MR. HOPE has been able to deal adequately with this toast without +assistance from me. Still, I was born generous. If he had advanced any +theories that needed refutation or correction I would have attended to +them, and if he had made any statements stronger than those which he is +in the habit of making I would have dealt with them. + +In fact, I was surprised at the mildness of his statements. I could not +have made such statements if I had preferred to, because to exaggerate is +the only way I can approximate to the truth. You cannot have a theory +without principles. Principles is another name for prejudices. I have +no prejudices in politics, religion, literature, or anything else. + +I am now on my way to my own country to run for the presidency because +there are not yet enough candidates in the field, and those who have +entered are too much hampered by their own principles, which are +prejudices. + +I propose to go there to purify the political atmosphere. I am in favor +of everything everybody is in favor of. What you should do is to satisfy +the whole nation, not half of it, for then you would only be half a +President. + +There could not be a broader platform than mine. I am in favor of +anything and everything--of temperance and intemperance, morality and +qualified immorality, gold standard and free silver. + +I have tried all sorts of things, and that is why I want to by the great +position of ruler of a country. I have been in turn reporter, editor, +publisher, author, lawyer, burglar. I have worked my way up, and wish to +continue to do so. + +I read to-day in a magazine article that Christendom issued last year +fifty-five thousand new books. Consider what that means! Fifty-five +thousand new books meant fifty-four thousand new authors. We are going +to have them all on our hands to take care of sooner or later. +Therefore, double your, subscriptions to the literary fund! + + + + + + +DISAPPEARANCE OF LITERATURE + + ADDRESS AT THE DINNER OF THE NINETEENTH CENTURY CLUB, AT + SHERRY'S, NEW YORK, NOVEMBER 20, 1900 + + Mr. Clemens spoke to the toast "The Disappearance of + Literature." Doctor Gould presided, and in introducing + Mr. Clemens said that he (the speaker), when in Germany, had to + do a lot of apologizing for a certain literary man who was + taking what the Germans thought undue liberties with their + language. + +It wasn't necessary for your chairman to apologize for me in Germany. +It wasn't necessary at all. Instead of that he ought to have impressed +upon those poor benighted Teutons the service I rendered them. Their +language had needed untangling for a good many years. Nobody else seemed +to want to take the job, and so I took it, and I flatter myself that I +made a pretty good job of it. The Germans have an inhuman way of cutting +up their verbs. Now a verb has a hard time enough of it in this world +when it's all together. It's downright inhuman to split it up. But +that's just what those Germans do. They take part of a verb and put it +down here, like a stake, and they take the other part of it and put it +away over yonder like another stake, and between these two limits they +just shovel in German. I maintain that there is no necessity for +apologizing for a man who helped in a small way to stop such mutilation. + +We have heard a discussion to-night on the disappearance of literature. +That's no new thing. That's what certain kinds of literature have been +doing for several years. The fact is, my friends, that the fashion in +literature changes, and the literary tailors have to change their cuts or +go out of business. Professor Winchester here, if I remember fairly +correctly what he said, remarked that few, if any, of the novels produced +to-day would live as long as the novels of Walter Scott. That may be his +notion. Maybe he is right; but so far as I am concerned, I don't care if +they don't. + +Professor Winchester also said something about there being no modern +epics like Paradise Lost. I guess he's right. He talked as if he was +pretty familiar with that piece of literary work, and nobody would +suppose that he never had read it. I don't believe any of you have ever +read Paradise Lost, and you don't want to. That's something that you +just want to take on trust. It's a classic, just as Professor Winchester +says, and it meets his definition of a classic--something that everybody +wants to have read and nobody wants to read. + +Professor Trent also had a good deal to say about the disappearance of +literature. He said that Scott would outlive all his critics. I guess +that's true. The fact of the business is, you've got to be one of two +ages to appreciate Scott. When you're eighteen you can read Ivanhoe, and +you want to wait until you are ninety to read some of the rest. It takes +a pretty well-regulated, abstemious critic to live ninety years. + +But as much as these two gentlemen have talked about the disappearance of +literature, they didn't say anything about my books. Maybe they think +they've disappeared. If they do, that just shows their ignorance on the +general subject of literature. I am not as young as I was several years +ago, and maybe I'm not so fashionable, but I'd be willing to take my +chances with Mr. Scott to-morrow morning in selling a piece of literature +to the Century Publishing Company. And I haven't got much of a pull +here, either. I often think that the highest compliment ever paid to my +poor efforts was paid by Darwin through President Eliot, of Harvard +College. At least, Eliot said it was a compliment, and I always take the +opinion of great men like college presidents on all such subjects as +that. + +I went out to Cambridge one day a few years ago and called on President +Eliot. In the course of the conversation he said that he had just +returned from England, and that he was very much touched by what he +considered the high compliment Darwin was paying to my books, and he went +on to tell me something like this: + +"Do you know that there is one room in Darwin's house, his bedroom, where +the housemaid is never allowed to touch two things? One is a plant he is +growing and studying while it grows" (it was one of those insect- +devouring plants which consumed bugs and beetles and things for the +particular delectation of Mr. Darwin) "and the other some books that lie +on the night table at the head of his bed. They are your books, Mr. +Clemens, and Mr. Darwin reads them every night to lull him to sleep." + +My friends, I thoroughly appreciated that compliment, and considered it +the highest one that was ever paid to me. To be the means of soothing to +sleep a brain teeming with bugs and squirming things like Darwin's was +something that I had never hoped for, and now that he is dead I never +hope to be able to do it again. + + + + + + +THE NEW YORK PRESS CLUB DINNER + + AT THE ANNUAL DINNER, NOVEMBER 13, 1900 + + Col. William L. Brown, the former editor of the Daily News, as + president of the club, introduced Mr. Clemens as the principal + ornament of American literature. + +I must say that I have already begun to regret that I left my gun at +home. I've said so many times when a chairman has distressed me with +just such compliments that the next time such a thing occurs I will +certainly use a gun on that chairman. It is my privilege to compliment +him in return. You behold before you a very, very old man. A cursory +glance at him would deceive the most penetrating. His features seem to +reveal a person dead to all honorable instincts--they seem to bear the +traces of all the known crimes, instead of the marks of a life spent for +the most part, and now altogether, in the Sunday-school of a life that +may well stand as an example to all generations that have risen or will +riz--I mean to say, will rise. His private character is altogether +suggestive of virtues which to all appearances he has got. If you +examine his past history you will find it as deceptive as his features, +because it is marked all over with waywardness and misdemeanor--mere +effects of a great spirit upon a weak body--mere accidents of a great +career. In his heart he cherishes every virtue on the list of virtues, +and he practises them all--secretly--always secretly. You all know him +so well that there is no need for him to be introduced here. Gentlemen, +Colonel Brown. + + + + + + +THE ALPHABET AND SIMPLIFIED SPELLING + + ADDRESS AT THE DINNER GIVEN TO MR. CARNEGIE AT THE DEDICATION + OF THE NEW YORK ENGINEERS' CLUB, DECEMBER 9, 1907 + + Mr. Clemens was introduced by the president of the club, who, + quoting from the Mark Twain autobiography, recalled the day + when the distinguished writer came to New York with $3 in small + change in his pockets and a $10 bill sewed in his clothes. + +It seems to me that I was around here in the neighborhood of the Public +Library about fifty or sixty years ago. I don't deny the circumstance, +although I don't see how you got it out of my autobiography, which was +not to be printed until I am dead, unless I'm dead now. I had that $3 in +change, and I remember well the $10 which was sewed in my coat. I have +prospered since. Now I have plenty of money and a disposition to +squander it, but I can't. One of those trust companies is taking care of +it. + +Now, as this is probably the last time that I shall be out after +nightfall this winter, I must say that I have come here with a mission, +and I would make my errand of value. + +Many compliments have been paid to Mr. Carnegie to-night. I was +expecting them. They are very gratifying to me. + +I have been a guest of honor myself, and I know what Mr. Carnegie is +experiencing now. It is embarrassing to get compliments and compliments +and only compliments, particularly when he knows as well as the rest of +us that on the other side of him there are all sorts of things worthy of +our condemnation. + +Just look at Mr. Carnegie's face. It is fairly scintillating with +fictitious innocence. You would think, looking at him, that he had never +committed a crime in his life. But no--look at his pestiferious +simplified spelling. You can't any of you imagine what a crime that has +been. Torquemada was nothing to Mr. Carnegie. That old fellow shed some +blood in the Inquisition, but Mr. Carnegie has brought destruction to the +entire race. I know he didn't mean it to be a crime, but it was, just +the same. He's got us all so we can't spell anything. + +The trouble with him is that he attacked orthography at the wrong end. +He meant well, but he, attacked the symptoms and not the cause of the +disease. He ought to have gone to work on the alphabet. There's not a +vowel in it with a definite value, and not a consonant that you can hitch +anything to. Look at the "h's" distributed all around. There's +"gherkin." What are you going to do with the "h" in that? What the +devil's the use of "h" in gherkin, I'd like to know. It's one thing I +admire the English for: they just don't mind anything about them at all. + +But look at the "pneumatics" and the "pneumonias" and the rest of them. +A real reform would settle them once and for all, and wind up by giving +us an alphabet that we wouldn't have to spell with at all, instead of +this present silly alphabet, which I fancy was invented by a drunken +thief. Why, there isn't a man who doesn't have to throw out about +fifteen hundred words a day when he writes his letters because he can't +spell them! It's like trying to do a St. Vitus's dance with wooden legs. + +Now I'll bet there isn't a man here who can spell "pterodactyl," not even +the prisoner at the bar. I'd like to hear him try once--but not in +public, for it's too near Sunday, when all extravagant histrionic +entertainments are barred. I'd like to hear him try in private, and when +he got through trying to spell "pterodactyl" you wouldn't know whether it +was a fish or a beast or a bird, and whether it flew on its legs or +walked with its wings. The chances are that he would give it tusks and +make it lay eggs. + +Let's get Mr. Carnegie to reform the alphabet, and we'll pray for him-- +if he'll take the risk. If we had adequate, competent vowels, with a +system of accents, giving to each vowel its own soul and value, so every +shade of that vowel would be shown in its accent, there is not a word in +any tongue that we could not spell accurately. That would be competent, +adequate, simplified spelling, in contrast to the clipping, the hair +punching, the carbuncles, and the cancers which go by the name of +simplified spelling. If I ask you what b-o-w spells you can't tell me +unless you know which b-o-w I mean, and it is the same with r-o-w, b-o-r- +e, and the whole family of words which were born out of lawful wedlock +and don't know their own origin. + +Now, if we had an alphabet that was adequate and competent, instead of +inadequate and incompetent, things would be different. Spelling reform +has only made it bald-headed and unsightly. There is the whole tribe of +them, "row" and "read" and "lead"--a whole family who don't know who they +are. I ask you to pronounce s-o-w, and you ask me what kind of a one. + +If we had a sane, determinate alphabet, instead of a hospital of +comminuted eunuchs, you would know whether one referred to the act of a +man casting the seed over the ploughed land or whether one wished to +recall the lady hog and the future ham. + +It's a rotten alphabet. I appoint Mr. Carnegie to get after it, and +leave simplified spelling alone. + +Simplified spelling brought about sun-spots, the San Francisco +earthquake, and the recent business depression, which we would never have +had if spelling had been left all alone. + +Now, I hope I have soothed Mr. Carnegie and made him more comfortable +than he would have been had he received only compliment after compliment, +and I wish to say to him that simplified spelling is all right, but, like +chastity, you can carry it too far. + + + + + + +SPELLING AND PICTURES + + ADDRESS AT THE ANNUAL DINNER OF THE ASSOCIATED PRESS, AT THE + WALDORF-ASTORIA, SEPTEMBER 18, 1906 + +I am here to make an appeal to the nations in behalf of the simplified +spelling. I have come here because they cannot all be reached except +through you. There are only two forces that can carry light to all the +corners of the globe--only two--the sun in the heavens and the Associated +Press down here. I may seem to be flattering the sun, but I do not mean +it so; I am meaning only to be just and fair all around. You speak with +a million voices; no one can reach so many races, so many hearts and +intellects, as you--except Rudyard Kipling, and he cannot do it without +your help. If the Associated Press will adopt and use our simplified +forms, and thus spread them to the ends of the earth, covering the whole +spacious planet with them as with a garden of flowers, our difficulties +are at an end. + +Every day of the three hundred and sixty-five the only pages of the +world's countless newspapers that are read by all the human beings and +angels and devils that can read, are these pages that are built out of +Associated Press despatches. And so I beg you, I beseech you--oh, I +implore you to spell them in our simplified forms. Do this daily, +constantly, persistently, for three months--only three months--it is all +I ask. The infallible result?--victory, victory all down the line. For +by that time all eyes here and above and below will have become adjusted +to the change and in love with it, and the present clumsy and ragged +forms will be grotesque to the eye and revolting to the soul. And we +shall be rid of phthisis and phthisic and pneumonia and pneumatics, and +diphtheria and pterodactyl, and all those other insane words which no man +addicted to the simple Christian life can try to spell and not lose some +of the bloom of his piety in the demoralizing attempt. Do not doubt it. +We are chameleons, and our partialities and prejudices change places with +an easy and blessed facility, and we are soon wonted to the change and +happy in it. We do not regret our old, yellow fangs and snags and tushes +after we have worn nice, fresh, uniform store teeth a while. + +Do I seem to be seeking the good of the world? That is the idea. It is +my public attitude; privately I am merely seeking my own profit. We all +do it, but it is sound and it is virtuous, for no public interest is +anything other or nobler than a massed accumulation of private interests. +In 1883, when the simplified-spelling movement first tried to make a +noise, I was indifferent to it; more--I even irreverently scoffed at it. +What I needed was an object-lesson, you see. It is the only way to teach +some people. Very well, I got it. At that time I was scrambling along, +earning the family's bread on magazine work at seven cents a word, +compound words at single rates, just as it is in the dark present. +I was the property of a magazine, a seven-cent slave under a boiler-iron +contract. One day there came a note from the editor requiring me to +write ten pages--on this revolting text: "Considerations concerning the +alleged subterranean holophotal extemporaneousness of the conchyliaceous +superimbrication of the Ornithorhyncus, as foreshadowed by the +unintelligibility of its plesiosaurian anisodactylous aspects." + +Ten pages of that. Each and every word a seventeen-jointed vestibuled +railroad train. Seven cents a word. I saw starvation staring the family +in the face. I went to the editor, and I took a stenographer along so as +to have the interview down in black and white, for no magazine editor can +ever remember any part of a business talk except the part that's got +graft in it for him and the magazine. I said, "Read that text, Jackson, +and let it go on the record; read it out loud." He read it: +"Considerations concerning the alleged subterranean holophotal +extemporaneousness of the conchyliaceous superimbrication of the +Ornithorhyncus, as foreshadowed by the unintelligibility of its +plesiosaurian anisodactylous aspects." + +I said, "You want ten pages of those rumbling, great, long, summer +thunderpeals, and you expect to get them at seven cents a peal?" + +He said, "A word's a word, and seven cents is the contract; what are you +going to do about it?" + +I said, " Jackson, this is cold-blooded oppression. What's an average +English word?" + +He said, "Six letters." + +I said, "Nothing of the kind; that's French, and includes the spaces +between the words; an average English word is four letters and a half. +By hard, honest labor I've dug all the large words out of my vocabulary +and shaved it down till the average is three letters and a half. I can +put one thousand and two hundred words on your page, and there's not +another man alive that can come within two hundred of it. My page is +worth eighty-four dollars to me. It takes exactly as long to fill your +magazine page with long words as it does with short ones-four hours. +Now, then, look at the criminal injustice of this requirement of yours. +I am careful, I am economical of my time and labor. For the family's +sake I've got to be so. So I never write 'metropolis' for seven cents, +because I can get the same money for 'city.' I never write 'policeman,' +because I can get the same price for 'cop.' And so on and so on. I never +write 'valetudinarian' at all, for not even hunger and wretchedness can +humble me to the point where I will do a word like that for seven cents; +I wouldn't do it for fifteen. Examine your obscene text, please; count +the words." + +He counted and said it was twenty-four. I asked him to count the +letters. He made it two hundred and three. + +I said, "Now, I hope you see the whole size of your crime. With my +vocabulary I would make sixty words out of those two hundred and five +letters, and get four dollars and twenty cents for it; whereas for your +inhuman twenty-four I would get only one dollar and sixty-eight cents. +Ten pages of these sky-scrapers of yours would pay me only about three +hundred dollars; in my simplified vocabulary the same space and the same +labor would pay me eight hundred and forty dollars. I do not wish to +work upon this scandalous job by the piece. I want to be hired by the +year." He coldly refused. I said: + +"Then for the sake of the family, if you have no feeling for me, you +ought at least to allow me overtime on that word extemporaneousness." +Again he coldly refused. I seldom say a harsh word to any one, but I was +not master of myself then, and I spoke right out and called him an +anisodactylous plesiosaurian conchyliaceous Ornithorhyncus, and rotten to +the heart with holoaophotal subterranean extemporaneousness. God forgive +me for that wanton crime; he lived only two hours. + +From that day to this I have been a devoted and hard-working member of +the heaven-born institution, the International Association for the +Prevention of Cruelty to Authors, and now I am laboring with Carnegie's +Simplified Committee, and with my heart in the work . . . . + +Now then, let us look at this mighty question reasonably, rationally, +sanely--yes, and calmly, not excitedly. What is the real function, the +essential function, the supreme function, of language? Isn't it merely +to convey ideas and emotions? Certainly. Then if we can do it with +words of fonetic brevity and compactness, why keep the present cumbersome +forms? But can we? Yes. I hold in my hand the proof of it. Here is a +letter written by a woman, right out of her heart of hearts. I think she +never saw a spelling-book in her life. The spelling is her own. There +isn't a waste letter in it anywhere. It reduces the fonetics to the last +gasp--it squeezes the surplusage out of every word--there's no spelling +that can begin with it on this planet outside of the White House. And as +for the punctuation, there isn't any. It is all one sentence, eagerly +and breathlessly uttered, without break or pause in it anywhere. The +letter is absolutely genuine--I have the proofs of that in my possession. +I can't stop to spell the words for you, but you can take the letter +presently and comfort your eyes with it. I will read the letter: + +"Miss dear freind I took some Close into the armerry and give them to you +to Send too the suffrers out to California and i Hate to treble you but i +got to have one of them Back it was a black oll wolle Shevyott With a +jacket to Mach trimed Kind of Fancy no 38 Burst measure and palsy +menterry acrost the front And the color i woodent Trubble you but it +belonged to my brothers wife and she is Mad about it i thoght she was +willin but she want she says she want done with it and she was going to +Wear it a Spell longer she ant so free harted as what i am and she Has +got more to do with Than i have having a Husband to Work and slave For +her i gels you remember Me I am shot and stout and light complected i +torked with you quite a spell about the suffrars and said it was orful +about that erth quake I shoodent wondar if they had another one rite off +seeine general Condision of the country is Kind of Explossive i hate to +take that Black dress away from the suffrars but i will hunt round And +see if i can get another One if i can i will call to the armerry for it +if you will jest lay it asside so no more at present from your True +freind + +i liked your +appearance very Much" + +Now you see what simplified spelling can do. + +It can convey any fact you need to convey; and it can pour out emotions +like a sewer. I beg you, I beseech you, to adopt our spelling, and print +all your despatches in it. + +Now I wish to say just one entirely serious word: + +I have reached a time of life, seventy years and a half, where none of +the concerns of this world have much interest for me personally. I think +I can speak dispassionately upon this matter, because in the little while +that I have got to remain here I can get along very well with these old- +fashioned forms, and I don't propose to make any trouble about it at all. +I shall soon be where they won't care how I spell so long as I keep the +Sabbath. + +There are eighty-two millions of us people that use this orthography, and +it ought to be simplified in our behalf, but it is kept in its present +condition to satisfy one million people who like to have their literature +in the old form. That looks to me to be rather selfish, and we keep the +forms as they are while we have got one million people coming in here +from foreign countries every year and they have got to struggle with this +orthography of ours, and it keeps them back and damages their citizenship +for years until they learn to spell the language, if they ever do learn. +This is merely sentimental argument. + +People say it is the spelling of Chaucer and Spencer and Shakespeare and +a lot of other people who do not know how to spell anyway, and it has +been transmitted to us and we preserved it and wish to preserve it +because of its ancient and hallowed associations. + +Now, I don't see that there is any real argument about that. If that +argument is good, then it would be a good argument not to banish the +flies and the cockroaches from hospitals because they have been there so +long that the patients have got used to them and they feel a tenderness +for them on account of the associations. Why, it is like preserving a +cancer in a family because it is a family cancer, and we are bound to it +by the test of affection and reverence and old, mouldy antiquity. + +I think that this declaration to improve this orthography of ours is our +family cancer, and I wish we could reconcile ourselves to have it cut out +and let the family cancer go. + +Now, you see before you the wreck and ruin of what was once a young +person like yourselves. I am exhausted by the heat of the day. I must +take what is left of this wreck and run out of your presence and carry it +away to my home and spread it out there and sleep the sleep of the +righteous. There is nothing much left of me but my age and my +righteousness, but I leave with you my love and my blessing, and may you +always keep your youth. + + + + + + +BOOKS AND BURGLARS + + ADDRESS TO THE REDDING (CONN.) LIBRARY ASSOCIATION, + OCTOBER 28, 1908 + +Suppose this library had been in operation a few weeks ago, and the +burglars who happened along and broke into my house--taking a lot of +things they didn't need, and for that matter which I didn't need--had +first made entry into this institution. + +Picture them seated here on the floor, poring by the light of their dark- +lanterns over some of the books they found, and thus absorbing moral +truths and getting a moral uplift. The whole course of their lives would +have been changed. As it was, they kept straight on in their immoral way +and were sent to jail. + +For all we know, they may next be sent to Congress. + +And, speaking of burglars, let us not speak of them too harshly. Now, I +have known so many burglars--not exactly known, but so many of them have +come near me in my various dwelling-places, that I am disposed to allow +them credit for whatever good qualities they possess. + +Chief among these, and, indeed, the only one I just now think of, is +their great care while doing business to avoid disturbing people's sleep. + +Noiseless as they may be while at work, however, the effect of their +visitation is to murder sleep later on. + +Now we are prepared for these visitors. All sorts of alarm devices have +been put in the house, and the ground for half a mile around it has been +electrified. The burglar who steps within this danger zone will set +loose a bedlam of sounds, and spring into readiness for action our +elaborate system of defences. As for the fate of the trespasser, do not +seek to know that. He will never be heard of more. + + + + + + + +AUTHORS' CLUB + + ADDRESS AT THE DINNER GIVEN IN HONOR OF MR. CLEMENS, LONDON, + JUNE, 1899 + + Mr. Clemens was introduced by Sir Walter Besant. + +It does not embarrass me to hear my books praised so much. It only +pleases and delights me. I have not gone beyond the age when +embarrassment is possible, but I have reached the age when I know how to +conceal it. It is such a satisfaction to me to hear Sir Walter Besant, +who is much more capable than I to judge of my work, deliver a judgment +which is such a contentment to my spirit. + +Well, I have thought well of the books myself, but I think more of them +now. It charms me also to hear Sir Spencer Walpole deliver a similar +judgment, and I shall treasure his remarks also. I shall not discount +the praises in any possible way. When I report them to my family they +shall lose nothing. There are, however, certain heredities which come +down to us which our writings of the present day may be traced to. +I, for instance, read the Walpole Letters when I was a boy. I absorbed +them, gathered in their grace, wit, and humor, and put them away to be +used by-and-by. One does that so unconsciously with things one really +likes. I am reminded now of what use those letters have been to me. + +They must not claim credit in America for what was really written in +another form so long ago. They must only claim that I trimmed this, +that, and the other, and so changed their appearance as to make them seem +to be original. You now see what modesty I have in stock. But it has +taken long practice to get it there. + +But I must not stand here talking. I merely meant to get up and give my +thanks for the pleasant things that preceding speakers have said of me. +I wish also to extend my thanks to the Authors' Club for constituting me +a member, at a reasonable price per year, and for giving me the benefit +of your legal adviser. + +I believe you keep a lawyer. I have always kept a lawyer, too, though I +have never made anything out of him. It is service to an author to have +a lawyer. There is something so disagreeable in having a personal +contact with a publisher. So it is better to work through a lawyer--and +lose your case. I understand that the publishers have been meeting +together also like us. I don't know what for, but possibly they are +devising new and mysterious ways for remunerating authors. I only wish +now to thank you for electing me a member of this club--I believe I have +paid my dues--and to thank you again for the pleasant things you have +said of me. + +Last February, when Rudyard Kipling was ill in America, the sympathy +which was poured out to him was genuine and sincere, and I believe that +which cost Kipling so much will bring England and America closer +together. I have been proud and pleased to see this growing affection +and respect between the two countries. I hope it will continue to grow, +and, please God, it will continue to grow. I trust we authors will leave +to posterity, if we have nothing else to leave, a friendship between +England and America that will count for much. I will now confess that +I have been engaged for the past eight days in compiling a publication. +I have brought it here to lay at your feet. I do not ask your indulgence +in presenting it, but for your applause. + +Here it is: "Since England and America may be joined together in +Kipling, may they not be severed in 'Twain.'" + + + + + + +BOOKSELLERS + + Address at banquet on Wednesday evening, May 20, 1908, of the + American Booksellers' Association, which included most of the + leading booksellers of America, held at the rooms of the Aldine + Association, New York. + +This annual gathering of booksellers from all over America comes together +ostensibly to eat and drink, but really to discuss, business; therefore +I am required to, talk shop. I am required to furnish a statement of the +indebtedness under which I lie to you gentlemen for your help in enabling +me to earn my living. For something over forty years I have acquired my +bread by print, beginning with The Innocents Abroad, followed at +intervals of a year or so by Roughing It, Tom Sawyer, Gilded Age, and so +on. For thirty-six years my books were sold by subscription. You are +not interested in those years, but only in the four which have since +followed. The books passed into the hands of my present publishers at +the beginning of 1900, and you then became the providers of my diet. +I think I may say, without flattering you, that you have done exceedingly +well by me. Exceedingly well is not too strong a phrase, since the +official statistics show that in four years you have sold twice as many +volumes of my venerable books as my contract with my publishers bound you +and them to sell in five years. To your sorrow you are aware that +frequently, much too frequently, when a book gets to be five or ten years +old its annual sale shrinks to two or three hundred copies, and after an +added ten or twenty years ceases to sell. But you sell thousands of my +moss-backed old books every year--the youngest of them being books that +range from fifteen to twenty-seven years old, and the oldest reaching +back to thirty-five and forty. + +By the terms of my contract my publishers had to account to me for, +50,000 volumes per year for five years, and pay me for them whether they +sold them or not. It is at this point that you gentlemen come in, for it +was your business to unload 250,000 volumes upon the public in five years +if you possibly could. Have you succeeded? Yes, you have--and more. +For in four years, with a year still to spare, you have sold the 250,000 +volumes, and 240,000 besides. + +Your sales have increased each year. In the first year you sold 90,328; +in the second year, 104,851; in the third, 133,975; in the fourth year-- +which was last year--you sold 160,000. The aggregate for the four years +is 500,000 volumes, lacking 11,000. + +Of the oldest book, The Innocents Abroad,--now forty years old--you sold +upward of 46,000 copies in the four years; of Roughing It--now thirty- +eight years old; I think--you sold 40,334; of Tom Sawyer, 41,000. And so +on. + +And there is one thing that is peculiarly gratifying to me: the Personal +Recollections of Joan of Arc is a serious book; I wrote it for love, and +never expected it to sell, but you have pleasantly disappointed me in +that matter. In your hands its sale has increased each year. In 1904 +you sold 1726 copies; in 1905, 2445; in 1906, 5381; and last year, 6574. + + + + + + +"MARK TWAIN'S FIRST APPEARANCE" + + On October 5, 1906, Mr. Clemens, following a musical recital by + his daughter in Norfolk, Conn., addressed her audience on the + subject of stage-fright. He thanked the people for making + things as easy as possible for his daughter's American debut as + a contralto, and then told of his first experience before the + public. + +My heart goes out in sympathy to any one who is making his first +appearance before an audience of human beings. By a direct process of +memory I go back forty years, less one month--for I'm older than I look. + +I recall the occasion of my first appearance. San Francisco knew me then +only as a reporter, and I was to make my bow to San Francisco as a +lecturer. I knew that nothing short of compulsion would get me to the +theatre. So I bound myself by a hard-and-fast contract so that I could +not escape. I got to the theatre forty-five minutes before the hour set +for the lecture. My knees were shaking so that I didn't know whether I +could stand up. If there is an awful, horrible malady in the world, it +is stage-fright-and seasickness. They are a pair. I had stage-fright +then for the first and last time. I was only seasick once, too. It was +on a little ship on which there were two hundred other passengers. I-- +was--sick. I was so sick that there wasn't any left for those other two +hundred passengers. + +It was dark and lonely behind the scenes in that theatre, and I peeked +through the little peekholes they have in theatre curtains and looked +into the big auditorium. That was dark and empty, too. By-and-by it +lighted up, and the audience began to arrive. + +I had got a number of friends of mine, stalwart men, to sprinkle +themselves through the audience armed with big clubs. Every time I said +anything they could possibly guess I intended to be funny they were to +pound those clubs on the floor. Then there was a kind lady in a box up +there, also a good friend of mine, the wife of the Governor. She was to +watch me intently, and whenever I glanced toward her she was going to +deliver a gubernatorial laugh that would lead the whole audience into +applause. + +At last I began. I had the manuscript tucked under a United States flag +in front of me where I could get at it in case of need. But I managed to +get started without it. I walked up and down--I was young in those days +and needed the exercise--and talked and talked. + +Right in the middle of the speech I had placed a gem. I had put in a +moving, pathetic part which was to get at the hearts and souls of my +hearers. When I delivered it they did just what I hoped and expected. +They sat silent and awed. I had touched them. Then I happened to glance +up at the box where the Governor's wife was--you know what happened. + +Well, after the first agonizing five minutes, my stage-fright left me, +never to return. I know if I was going to be hanged I could get up and +make a good showing, and I intend to. But I shall never forget my +feelings before the agony left me, and I got up here to thank you for her +for helping my daughter, by your kindness, to live through her first +appearance. And I want to thank you for your appreciation of her +singing, which is, by-the-way, hereditary. + + + + + + +MORALS AND MEMORY + + Mr. Clemens was the guest of honor at a reception held at + Barnard College (Columbia University), March 7, 1906, by the + Barnard Union. One of the young ladies presented Mr. Clemens, + and thanked him for his amiability in coming to make them an + address. She closed with the expression of the great joy it + gave her fellow-collegians, "because we all love you." + +If any one here loves me, she has my sincere thanks. Nay, if any one +here is so good as to love me--why, I'll be a brother to her. She shall +have my sincere, warm, unsullied affection. When I was coming up in the +car with the very kind young lady who was delegated to show me the way, +she asked me what I was going to talk about. And I said I wasn't sure. +I said I had some illustrations, and I was going to bring them in. +I said I was certain to give those illustrations, but that I hadn't the +faintest notion what they were going to illustrate. + +Now, I've been thinking it over in this forest glade [indicating the +woods of Arcady on the scene setting], and I've decided to work them in +with something about morals and the caprices of memory. That seems to me +to be a pretty good subject. You see, everybody has a memory and it's +pretty sure to have caprices. And, of course, everybody has morals. + +It's my opinion that every one I know has morals, though I wouldn't like +to ask. I know I have. But I'd rather teach them than practice them any +day. "Give them to others"--that's my motto. Then you never have any +use for them when you're left without. Now, speaking of the caprices of +memory in general, and of mine in particular, it's strange to think of +all the tricks this little mental process plays on us. Here we're +endowed with a faculty of mind that ought to be more supremely +serviceable to us than them all. And what happens? This memory of ours +stores up a perfect record of the most useless facts and anecdotes and +experiences. And all the things that we ought to know--that we need to +know--that we'd profit by knowing--it casts aside with the careless +indifference of a girl refusing her true lover. It's terrible to think +of this phenomenon. I tremble in all my members when I consider all the +really valuable things that I've forgotten in seventy years--when I +meditate upon the caprices of my memory. + +There's a bird out in California that is one perfect symbol of the human +memory. I've forgotten the bird's name (just because it would be +valuable for me to know it--to recall it to your own minds, perhaps). + +But this fool of a creature goes around collecting the most ridiculous +things you can imagine and storing them up. He never selects a thing +that could ever prove of the slightest help to him; but he goes about +gathering iron forks, and spoons, and tin cans, and broken mouse-traps +--all sorts of rubbish that is difficult for him to carry and yet be any +use when he gets it. Why, that bird will go by a gold watch to bring +back one of those patent cake-pans. + +Now, my mind is just like that, and my mind isn't very different from +yours--and so our minds are just like that bird. We pass by what would +be of inestimable value to us, and pack our memories with the most +trivial odds and ends that never by any chance; under any circumstances +whatsoever, could be of the slightest use to any one. + +Now, things that I have remembered are constantly popping into my head. +And I am repeatedly startled by the vividness with which they recur to me +after the lapse of years and their utter uselessness in being remembered +at all. + +I was thinking over some on my way up here. They were the illustrations +I spoke about to the young lady on the way up. And I've come to the +conclusion, curious though it is, that I can use every one of these +freaks of memory to teach you all a lesson. I'm convinced that each one +has its moral. And I think it's my duty to hand the moral on to you. + +Now, I recall that when I was a boy I was a good boy--I was a very good +boy. Why, I was the best boy in my school. I was the best boy in that +little Mississippi town where I lived. The population was only about +twenty million. You may not believe it, but I was the best boy in that +State--and in the United States, for that matter. + +But I don't know why I never heard any one say that but myself. I always +recognized it. But even those nearest and dearest to me couldn't seem to +see it. My mother, especially, seemed to think there was something wrong +with that estimate. And she never got over that prejudice. + +Now, when my mother got to be eighty-five years old her memory failed +her. She forgot little threads that hold life's patches of meaning +together. She was living out West then, and I went on to visit her. + +I hadn't seen my mother in a year or so. And when I got there she knew +my face; knew I was married; knew I had a family, and that I was living +with them. But she couldn't, for the life of her, tell my name or who I +was. So I told her I was her boy. + +"But you don't live with me," she said. + +"No," said I, "I'm living in Rochester." + +"What are you doing there?" + +"Going to school." + +"Large school?" + +"Very large." + +"All boys?" + +"All boys." + +"And how do you stand?" said my mother. + +"I'm the best boy in that school," I answered. + +"Well," said my mother, with a return of her old fire, "I'd like to know +what the other boys are like." + +Now, one point in this story is the fact that my mother's mind went back +to my school days, and remembered my little youthful self-prejudice when +she'd forgotten everything else about me. + +The other point is the moral. There's one there that you will find if +you search for it. + +Now, here's something else I remember. It's about the first time I ever +stole a watermelon. "Stole" is a strong word. Stole? Stole? No, I +don't mean that. It was the first time I ever withdrew a watermelon. +It was the first time I ever extracted a watermelon. That is exactly the +word I want-- "extracted." It is definite. It is precise. It perfectly +conveys my idea. Its use in dentistry connotes the delicate shade of +meaning I am looking for. You know we never extract our own teeth. + +And it was not my watermelon that I extracted. I extracted that +watermelon from a farmer's wagon while he was inside negotiating with an +other customer. I carried that watermelon to one of the secluded +recesses of the lumber-yard, and there I broke it open. + +It was a green watermelon. + +Well, do you know when I saw that I began to feel sorry--sorry--sorry. +It seemed to me that I had done wrong. I reflected deeply. I reflected +that I was young--I think I was just eleven. But I knew that though +immature I did not lack moral advancement. I knew what a boy ought to do +who had extracted a watermelon--like that. + +I considered George Washington, and what action he would have taken under +similar circumstances. Then I knew there was just one thing to make me +feel right inside, and that was--Restitution. + +So I said to myself: "I will do that. I will take that green watermelon +back where I got it from." And the minute I had said it I felt that +great moral uplift that comes to you when you've made a noble resolution. + +So I gathered up the biggest fragments, and I carried them back to the +farmer's wagon, and I restored the watermelon--what was left of it. And +I made him give me a good one in place of it, too. + +And I told him he ought to be ashamed of himself going around working off +his worthless, old, green watermelons on trusting purchasers who had to +rely on him. How could they tell from the outside whither the melons +were good or not? That was his business. Arid if he didn't reform, I +told him I'd see that he didn't get any more of my trade--nor anybody, +else's I knew, if I could help it. + +You know that man was as contrite as a revivalist's last convert. +He said he was all broken up to think I'd gotten a green watermelon. +He promised the he would never carry another green watermelon if he +starved for it. And he drove off--a better man. + +Now, do you see what I did for that man? He was on a downward path, and +I rescued him. But all I got out of it was a watermelon. + +Yet I'd rather have that memory--just that memory of the good I did for +that depraved farmer--than all the material gain you can think of. Look +at the lesson he got! I never got anything like that from it. But I +ought to be satisfied: I was only eleven years old, but I secured +everlasting benefit to other people. + +The moral in this is perfectly clear, and I think there's one in they +next memory I'm going to tell you about. + +To go back to my childhood, there's another little incident that comes to +me from which you can draw even another moral. It's about one of the +times I went fishing. You see, in our house there was a sort of family +prejudice against going fishing if you hadn't permission. But it would +frequently be bad judgment to ask. So I went fishing secretly, as it +were--way up the Mississippi. It was an exquisitely happy trip, I +recall, with a very pleasant sensation. + +Well, while I was away there was a tragedy in our town. A stranger, +stopping over on his way East from California; was stabbed to death in an +unseemly brawl. + +Now; my father was justice of the peace, and because he was justice of +the peace he was coroner; and since he was coroner he was also constable; +and being constable he vas sheriff; and out of consideration for his +holding the office of sheriff he was likewise county clerk and a dozen +other officials I don't think of just this minute. + +I thought he had power of life or death, only he didn't use it over other +boys. He was sort of an austere man. Somehow I didn't like being round +him when I'd done anything he, disapproved of. So that's the reason I +wasn't often around. + +Well, when this gentleman got knifed they communicated with the proper +authority; the coroner, and they laid, the corpse out in the coroner's +office--our front sitting-room--in preparation for the inquest the next +morning. + +About 9 or 10 o'clock I got back from fishing. It was a little too late +for me to be received by my folks, so I took my shoes off and slipped +noiselessly up the back way to the sitting-room. I was very tired, and I +didn't wish to disturb my people. So I groped my way to the sofa and lay +down. + +Now, I didn't know anything of what had happened during my absence. +But I was sort of nervous on my own account-afraid of being caught, +and rather dubious about the morning affair. And I had been lying there +a few moments when my eyes gradually got used to the darkness, and I +became aware of something on the other side of the room. + +It was something foreign to the apartment. It had an uncanny appearance. +And I sat up looking very hard, and wondering what in heaven this long, +formless, vicious-looking thing might be. + +First I thought I'd go and see. Then I thought, "Never mind that." + +Mind you, I had no cowardly sensations whatever, but it didn't seem +exactly prudent to investigate. But I somehow couldn't keep my eyes off +the thing. And the more I looked at it the more disagreeably it grew on +me. But I was resolved to play the man. So I decided to turn over and +count a hundred, and let the patch of moonlight creep up and show me what +the dickens it was. + +I turned over and tried to count, but I couldn't keep my mind on it. +I kept thinking of that grewsome mass. I was losing count all the time, +and going back and beginning over again. Oh no; I wasn't frightened-- +just annoyed. But by the time I'd gotten to the century mark I turned +cautiously over and opened my eyes with great fortitude. + +The moonlight revealed to me a marble-white human hand. Well, maybe I +wasn't embarrassed! But then that changed to a creepy feeling again, and +I thought I'd try the counting again. I don't know how many hours or +weeks it was that I lay there counting hard. But the moonlight crept up +that white arm, and it showed me a lead face and a terrible wound over +the heart. + +I could scarcely say that I was terror-stricken or anything like that. +But somehow his eyes interested me so that I went right out of the +window. I didn't need the sash. But it seemed easier to take it than +leave it behind. + +Now, let that teach you a lesson--I don't know just what it is. But at +seventy years old I find that memory of peculiar value to me. I have +been unconsciously guided by it all these years. Things that seemed +pigeon-holed and remote are a perpetual influence. Yes, you're taught in +so many ways. And you're so felicitously taught when you don't know it. + +Here's something else that taught me a good deal. + +When I was seventeen I was very bashful, and a sixteen-year-old girl came +to stay a week with us. She was a peach, and I was seized with a +happiness not of this world. + +One evening my mother suggested that, to entertain her, I take her to the +theatre. I didn't really like to, because I was seventeen and sensitive +about appearing in the streets with a girl. I couldn't see my way to +enjoying my delight in public. But we went. + +I didn't feel very happy. I couldn't seem to keep my mind on the play. +I became conscious, after a while, that that was due less to my lovely +company than my boots. They were sweet to look upon, as smooth as skin, +but fitted ten time as close. I got oblivious to the play and the girl +and the other people and everything but my boots until--I hitched one +partly off. The sensation was sensuously perfect: I couldn't help it. I +had to get the other off, partly. Then I was obliged to get them off +altogether, except that I kept my feet in the legs so they couldn't get +away. + +From that time I enjoyed the play. But the first thing I knew the +curtain came down, like that, without my notice, and--I hadn't any boots +on. What's more, they wouldn't go on. I tugged strenuously. And the +people in our row got up and fussed and said things until the peach and I +simply had to move on. + +We moved--the girl on one arm and the boots under the other. + +We walked home that way, sixteen blocks, with a retinue a mile long: +Every time we passed a lamp-post, death gripped one at the throat. But +we, got home--and I had on white socks. + +If I live to be nine hundred and ninety-nine years old I don't suppose I +could ever forget that walk. I, remember, it about as keenly as the +chagrin I suffered on another occasion. + +At one time in our domestic history we had a colored butler who had a +failing. He could never remember to ask people who came to the door to +state their business. So I used to suffer a good many calls +unnecessarily. + +One morning when I was especially busy he brought me a card engraved with +a name I did not know. So I said, "What does he wish to see me for?" and +Sylvester said, "Ah couldn't ask him, sah; he, wuz a genlinun." "Return +instantly," I thundered, "and inquire his mission. Ask him what's his +game." Well, Sylvester returned with the announcement that he had +lightning-rods to sell. "Indeed," said I, "things are coming to a fine +pass when lightning-rod ,agents send up engraved cards." "He has +pictures," added Sylvester. "Pictures, indeed! He maybe peddling +etchings. Has he a Russia leather case?" But Sylvester was too +frightened to remember. I said; "I am going down to make it hot for that +upstart!" + +I went down the stairs, working up my temper all the way. When I got to +the parlor I was in a fine frenzy concealed beneath a veneer of frigid +courtesy. And when I looked in the door, sure enough he had a Russia +leather case in his hand. But I didn't happen to notice that it was our +Russia leather case. + +And if you'd believe me, that man was sitting with a whole gallery of +etchings spread out before him. But I didn't happen to notice that they +were our etchings, spread out by some member of my family for some +unguessed purpose. + +Very curtly I asked the gentleman his business. With a surprised, timid +manner he faltered that he had met my wife and daughter at Onteora, and +they had asked him to call. Fine lie, I thought, and I froze him. + +He seemed to be kind of non-plussed, and sat there fingering the etchings +in the case until I told him he needn't bother, because we had those. +That pleased him so much that he leaned over, in an embarrassed way, to +pick up another from the floor. But I stopped him. I said, "We've got +that, too." He seemed pitifully amazed, but I was congratulating myself +on my great success. + +Finally the gentleman asked where Mr. Winton lived; he'd met him in the +mountains, too. So I said I'd show him gladly. And I did on the spot. +And when he was gone I felt queer, because there were all his etchings +spread out on the floor. + +Well, my wife came in and asked me who had been in. I showed her the +card, and told her all exultantly. To my dismay she nearly fainted. She +told me he had been a most kind friend to them in the country, and had +forgotten to tell me that he was expected our way. And she pushed me out +of the door, and commanded me to get over to the Wintons in a hurry and +get him back. + +I came into the drawing-room, where Mrs. Winton was sitting up very stiff +in a chair, beating me at my own game. Well, I began, to put another +light on things. Before many seconds Mrs. Winton saw it was time to +change her temperature. In five minutes I had asked the man to luncheon, +and she to dinner, and so on. + +We made that fellow change his trip and stay a week, and we gave him the +time of his life. Why, I don't believe we let him get sober the whole +time. + +I trust that you will carry away some good thought from these lessons I +have given you, and that the memory of them will inspire you to higher +things, and elevate you to plans far above the old--and--and-- + +And I tell you one thing, young ladies: I've had a better time with you +to-day than with that peach fifty-three years ago. + + + + + + +QUEEN VICTORIA + + ADDRESS TO THE BRITISH SCHOOLS AND UNIVERSITIES CLUB, AT + DELMONICO'S, MONDAY, MAY 25, IN HONOR OF QUEEN VICTORIA'S + BIRTHDAY + + Mr. Clemens told the story of his duel with a rival editor: how + he practised firing at a barn door and failed to hit it, but a + friend of his took off the head of a little bird at thirty-five + yards and attributed the shot to Mark twain. The duel did not + take place. Mr. Clemens continued as follows: + +It also happened that I was the means of stopping duelling in Nevada, for +a law was passed sending all duellists to jail for two years, and the +Governor, hearing of my marksmanship, said that if he got me I should go +to prison for the full term. That's why I left Nevada, and I have not +been there since. + +You do me a high honor, indeed, in selecting me to speak of my country +in this commemoration of the birthday of that noble lady whose life was +consecrated to the virtues and the humanities and to the promotion of +lofty ideals, and was a model upon which many a humbler life was formed +and made beautiful while she lived, and upon which many such lives will +still be formed in the generations that are to come--a life which finds +its just image in the star which falls out of its place in the sky and +out of existence, but whose light still streams with unfaded lustre +across the abysses of space long after its fires have been extinguished +at their source. + +As a woman the Queen was all that the most exacting standards could +require. As a far-reaching and effective beneficent moral force she had +no peer in her time among either, monarchs or commoners. As a monarch +she was without reproach in her great office. We may not venture, +perhaps, to say so sweeping a thing as this in cold blood about any +monarch that preceded her upon either her own throne or upon any other. +It is a colossal eulogy, but it is justified. + +In those qualities of the heart which beget affection in all sorts and +conditions of men she was rich, surprisingly rich, and for this she will +still be remembered and revered in the far-off ages when the political +glories of her reign shall have faded from vital history and fallen to a +place in that scrap-heap of unverifiable odds and ends which we call +tradition. Which is to say, in briefer phrase, that her name will live +always. And with it her character--a fame rare in the history of +thrones, dominions, principalities, and powers, since it will not rest +upon harvested selfish and sordid ambitions, but upon love, earned and +freely vouchsafed. She mended broken hearts where she could, but she +broke none. + +What she did for us in America in our time of storm and stress we shall +not forget, and whenever we call it to mind we shall always remember the +wise and righteous mind that guided her in it and sustained and supported +her--Prince Albert's. We need not talk any idle talk here to-night about +either possible or impossible war between the two countries; there will +be no war while we remain sane and the son of Victoria and Albert sits +upon the throne. In conclusion, I believe I may justly claim to utter +the voice of my country in saying that we hold him in deep honor, and +also in cordially wishing him a long life and a happy reign. + + + + + + +JOAN OF ARC + + ADDRESS AT THE DINNER OF THE SOCIETY OF ILLUSTRATORS, GIVEN AT + THE ALDINE ASSOCIATION CLUB, DECEMBER 22, 1905 + + Just before Mr. Clemens made his speech, a young woman attired + as Joan of Arc, with a page bearing her flag of battle, + courtesied reverently and tendered Mr. Clemens a laurel wreath + on a satin pillow. He tried to speak, but his voice failed + from excess of emotion. "I thank you!" he finally exclaimed, + and, pulling him self together, he began his speech. + +Now there is an illustration [pointing to the retreating Joan of Arc]. +That is exactly what I wanted--precisely what I wanted--when I was +describing to myself Joan of Arc, after studying her history and her +character for twelve years diligently. + +That was the product--not the conventional Joan of Arc. Wherever you +find the conventional Joan of Arc in history she is an offence to anybody +who knows the story of that wonderful girl. + +Why, she was--she was almost supreme in several details. She had a +marvellous intellect; she had a great heart, had a noble spirit, was +absolutely pure in her character, her feeling, her language, her words, +her everything--she was only eighteen years old. + +Now put that heart into such a breast--eighteen years old--and give it +that masterly intellect which showed in the face, and furnish it with +that almost god-like spirit, and what are you going to have? +The conventional Joan of Arc? Not by any means. That is impossible. +I cannot comprehend any such thing as that. + +You must have a creature like that young and fair and beautiful girl we +just saw. And her spirit must look out of the eyes. The figure should +be--the figure should be in harmony with all that, but, oh, what we get +in the conventional picture, and it is always the conventional picture! + +I hope you will allow me to say that your guild, when you take the +conventional, you have got it at second-hand. Certainly, if you had +studied and studied, then you might have something else as a result, but +when you have the common convention you stick to that. + +You cannot prevail upon the artist to do it; he always gives you a Joan +of Arc--that lovely creature that started a great career at thirteen, but +whose greatness arrived when she was eighteen; and merely, because she +was a girl he can not see the divinity in her, and so he paints a +peasant, a coarse and lubberly figure--the figure of a cotton-bale, and +he clothes that in the coarsest raiment of the peasant region just like a +fish woman, her hair cropped short like a Russian peasant, and that face +of hers, which should be beautiful and which should radiate all the +glories which are in the spirit and in her heart that expression in that +face is always just the fixed expression of a ham. + +But now Mr. Beard has intimated a moment ago, and so has Sir Purdon- +Clarke also, that the artist, the, illustrator, does not often get the +idea of the man whose book he is illustrating. Here is a very remarkable +instance of the other thing in Mr. Beard, who illustrated a book of mine. +You may never have heard of it. I will tell you about it now--A Yankee +in King Arthur's Court. + +Now, Beard got everything that I put into that book and a little more +besides. Those pictures of Beard's in that book--oh, from the first page +to the last is one vast sardonic laugh at the trivialities, the +servilities of our poor human race, and also at the professions and the +insolence of priest-craft and king-craft--those creatures that make +slaves of themselves and have not the manliness to shake it off. Beard +put it all in that book. I meant it to be there. I put a lot of it +there and Beard put the rest. + +What publisher of mine in Hartford had an eye for the pennies, and he +saved them. He did not waste any on the illustrations. He had a very +good artist--Williams--who had never taken a lesson in drawing. +Everything he did was original. The publisher hired the cheapest wood- +engraver he could find, and in my early books you can see a trace of +that. You can see that if Williams had had a chance he would have made +some very good pictures. He had a good heart and good intentions. + +I had a character in the first book he illustrated--The Innocents Abroad. +That was a boy seventeen or eighteen years old--Jack Van Nostrand--a New +York boy, who, to my mind, was a very remarkable creature. He and I +tried to get Williams to understand that boy, and make a picture of Jack +that would be worthy of Jack. + +Jack was a most singular combination. He was born and reared in New York +here. He was as delicate in his feelings, as clean and pure and refined +in his feelings as any lovely girl that ever was, but whenever he +expressed a feeling he did it in Bowery slang, and it was a most curious +combination--that delicacy of his and that apparent coarseness. There +was no coarseness inside of Jack at all, and Jack, in the course of +seventeen or eighteen years, had acquired a capital of ignorance that was +marvellous--ignorance of various things, not of all things. For +instance, he did not know anything about the Bible. He had never been in +Sunday-school. Jack got more out of the Holy Land than anybody else, +because the others knew what they were expecting, but it was a land of +surprises to him. + +I said in the book that we found him watching a turtle on a log, stoning +that turtle, and he was stoning that turtle because he had read that "The +song of the turtle was heard in the land," and this turtle wouldn't sing. +It sounded absurd, but it was charged on Jack as a fact, and as he went +along through that country he had a proper foil in an old rebel colonel, +who was superintendent and head engineer in a large Sunday-school in +Wheeling, West Virginia. That man was full of enthusiasm wherever he +went, and would stand and deliver himself of speeches, and Jack would +listen to those speeches of the colonel and wonder. + +Jack had made a trip as a child almost across this continent in the first +overland stage-coach. That man's name who ran that line of stages--well, +I declare that name is gone. Well, names will go. + +Halliday--ah, that's the name--Ben Halliday, your uncle [turning to Mr. +Carnegie]. That was the fellow--Ben Halliday--and Jack was full of +admiration at the prodigious speed that that line of stages made--and it +was good speed--one hundred and twenty-five miles a day, going day and +night, and it was the event of Jack's life, and there at the Fords of the +Jordan the colonel was inspired to a speech (he was always making a +speech), so he called us up to him. He called up five sinners and three +saints. It has been only lately that Mr. Carnegie beatified me. And he +said: "Here are the Fords of the Jordan--a monumental place. At this +very point, when Moses brought the children of Israel through--he brought +the children of Israel from Egypt through the desert you see them--he +guarded them through that desert patiently, patiently during forty years, +and brought them to this spot safe and sound. There you see--there is +the scene of what Moses did." + +And Jack said: "Moses who?" + +"Oh," he says, "Jack, you ought not to ask that! Moses, the great law- +giver! Moses, the great patriot! Moses, the great warrior! Moses, the +great guide, who, as I tell you, brought these people through these three +hundred miles of sand in forty years, and landed there safe and sound." + +Jack said: "There's nothin' in that three hundred miles in forty years. +Ben Halliday would have snaked 'em through in thirty--six hours." + +Well, I was speaking of Jack's innocence, and it was beautiful. Jack was +not ignorant on all subjects. That boy was a deep student in the history +of Anglo-Saxon liberty, and he was a patriot all the way through to the +marrow. There was a subject that interested him all the time. Other +subjects were of no concern to Jack, but that quaint, inscrutable +innocence of his I could not get Williams to put into the picture. + +Yes, Williams wanted to do it. He said : "I will make him as innocent as +a virgin." He thought a moment, and then said, "I will make him as +innocent as an unborn virgin;" which covered the ground. + +I was reminded of Jack because I came across a letter to-day which is +over thirty years old that Jack wrote. Jack was doomed to consumption. +He was very long and slim, poor creature; and in a year or two after he +got back from that excursion, to the Holy Land he went on a ride on +horseback through Colorado, and he did not last but a year or two. + +He wrote this letter, not to me, but to a friend of mine; and he said: +"I have ridden horseback"--this was three years after--"I hate ridden +horseback four hundred miles through a desert country where you never see +anything but cattle now and then, and now and then a cattle station--ten +miles apart, twenty miles apart. Now you tell Clemens that in all that +stretch of four hundred miles I have seen only two books--the Bible and +'Innocents Abroad'. Tell Clemens the Bible was in a very good +condition." + +I say that he had studied, and he had, the real Saxon liberty, the +acquirement of our liberty, and Jack used to repeat some verses--I don't +know where they came from, but I thought of them to-day when I saw that +letter--that that boy could have been talking of himself in those quoted +lines from that unknown poet: + + "For he had sat at Sidney's feet + And walked with him in plain apart, + And through the centuries heard the beat + Of Freedom's march through Cromwell's heart." + +And he was that kind of a boy. He should have lived, and yet he should +not have lived, because he died at that early age--he couldn't have been +more than twenty--he had seen all there was to see in the world that was +worth the trouble of living in it; he had seen all of this world that is +valuable; he had seen all of this world that was illusion, and illusion, +is the only valuable thing in it. He had arrived at that point where +presently the illusions would cease and he would have entered upon the +realities of life, and God help the man that has arrived at that point. + + + + + + +ACCIDENT INSURANCE--ETC. + + DELIVERED IN HARTFORD, AT A DINNER TO CORNELIUS WALFORD, + OF LONDON + +GENTLEMAN,-- I am glad, indeed, to assist in welcoming the distinguished +guest of this occasion to a city whose fame as an insurance centre has +extended to all lands, and given us the name of being a quadruple band of +brothers working sweetly hand in hand--the Colt's arms company making the +destruction of our race easy and convenient, our life-insurance citizens +paying for the victims when they pass away, Mr. Batterson perpetuating +their memory with his stately monuments, and our fire-insurance comrades +taking care of their hereafter. I am glad to assist in welcoming our +guest--first, because he is an Englishman, and I owe a heavy debt of +hospitality to certain of his fellow-countrymen; and secondly, because he +is in sympathy with insurance, and has been the means of making many +other men cast their sympathies in the same direction. + +Certainly there is no nobler field for human effort than the insurance +line of business--especially accident insurance. Ever since I have been +a director in an accident-insurance company I have felt that I am a +better man. Life has seemed more precious. Accidents have assumed a +kindlier aspect. Distressing special providences have lost half their +horror. I look upon a cripple now with affectionate interest--as an +advertisement. I do not seem, to care for poetry any more. I do not +care for politics--even agriculture does not excite me. But to me now +there is a charm about a railway collision that is unspeakable. + +There is nothing more beneficent than accident insurance. I have seen an +entire family lifted out of poverty and into affluence by the simple boon +of a broken leg. I have had people come to me on crutches, with tears in +their eyes, to bless this beneficent institution. In all my experience +of life, I have seen nothing so seraphic as the look that comes into a +freshly mutilated man's face when he feels in his vest pocket with his +remaining hand and finds his accident ticket all right. And I have seen +nothing so sad as the look that came into another splintered customer's +face when he found he couldn't collect on a wooden leg. + +I will remark here, by way of advertisement, that that noble charity +which we have named the HARTFORD ACCIDENT INSURANCE COMPANY is an +institution, which is peculiarly to be depended upon. A man is bound to +prosper who gives it his custom. No man pan take out a policy in it and +not get crippled before the year is out. Now there was one indigent man +who had been disappointed so often with other companies that he had grown +disheartened, his appetite left him, he ceased to smile--said life was +but a weariness. Three weeks ago I got him to insure with us, and now he +is the brightest, happiest spirit in this land--has a good steady income +and a stylish suit of new bandages every day, and travels around on a +shutter. + +I will say in conclusion, that my share of the welcome to our guest is +none the less hearty because I talk so much nonsense, and I know that I +curl say the same far the rest of the speakers. + + + + + + +OSTEOPATHY + + On February 27, 1901, Mr. Clemens appeared before the Assembly + Committee in Albany, New York, in favor of the Seymour bill + legalizing the practice of osteopathy. + +MR. CHAIRMAN AND GENTLEMEN,--Dr. Van Fleet is the gentleman who gave me +the character. I have heard my character discussed a thousand times +before you were born, sir, and shown the iniquities in it, and you did +not get more than half of them. + +I was touched and distressed when they brought that part of a child in +here, and proved that you cannot take a child to pieces in that way. +What remarkable names those diseases have! It makes me envious of the +man that has them all. I have had many diseases, and am thankful for all +I have had. + +One of the gentlemen spoke of the knowledge of something else found in +Sweden, a treatment which I took. It is, I suppose, a kindred thing. +There is apparently no great difference between them. I was a year and a +half in London and Sweden, in the hands of that grand old man, Mr. +Kildren. + +I cannot call him a doctor, for he has not the authority to give a +certificate if a patient should die, but fortunately they don't. + +The State stands as a mighty Gibraltar clothed with power. It stands +between me and my body, and tells me what kind of a doctor I must employ. +When my soul is sick unlimited spiritual liberty is given me by the +State. Now then, it doesn't seem logical that the State shall depart +from this great policy, the health of the soul, and change about and take +the other position in the matter of smaller consequence--the health of +the body. + +The Bell bill limitations would drive the osteopaths out of the State. +Oh, dear me! when you drive somebody out of the State you create the same +condition as prevailed in the Garden of Eden. + +You want the thing that you can't have. I didn't care much about the +osteopaths, but as soon as I found they were going to drive them out I +got in a state of uneasiness, and I can't sleep nights now. + +I know how Adam felt in the Garden of Eden about the prohibited apple. +Adam didn't want the apple till he found out he couldn't have it, +just as he would have wanted osteopathy if he couldn't have it. + +Whose property is my body? Probably mine. I so regard it. If I +experiment with it, who must be answerable? I, not the State. If I +choose injudiciously, does the State die? Oh no. + +I was the subject of my mother's experiment. She was wise. She made +experiments cautiously. She didn't pick out just any child in the flock. +No, she chose judiciously. She chose one she could spare, and she +couldn't spare the others. I was the choice child bf the flock; so I had +to take all of the experiments. + +In 1844 Kneipp filled the world with the wonder of the water cure. +Mother wanted to try it, but on sober second thought she put me through. +A bucket of ice-water was poured over to see the effect. Then I was +rubbed down with flannels, sheet was dipped in the water, and I was put +to bed. I perspired so much that mother put a life-preserver to bed with +me. + +But this had nothing but a spiritual effect on me, and I didn't care for +that. When they took off the sheet it was yellow from the output of my +conscience, the exudation of sin. It purified me spiritually, and it +remains until this day. + +I have experimented with osteopathy and allopathy. I took a chance at +the latter for old times' sake, for, three tines, when a boy, mother's +new methods got me so near death's door she had to call in the family +physician to pull me out. + +The physicians think they are moved by regard for the best interests of +the public. Isn't there a little touch of self-interest back of it all? +It seems to me there is, and I don't claim to have all the virtues--only +nine or ten of them. + +I was born in the "Banner State," and by "Banner State" I mean Missouri. +Osteopathy was born in the same State, and both of us are getting along +reasonably well. At a time during my younger days my attention was +attracted to a picture of a house which bore the inscription, "Christ +Disputing with the Doctors." + +I could attach no other meaning to it than that Christ was actually +quarreling with the doctors. So I asked an old slave, who was a sort of +a herb doctor in a small way--unlicensed, of course--what the meaning of +the picture was. "What had has done?" I asked. And the colored man +replied "Humph, he ain't got no license." + + + + + + +WATER-SUPPLY + + Mr. Clemens visited Albany on February 21 and 28, 1901. The + privileges of the floor were granted and he was asked to make a + short address to the Senate. + +MR. PRESIDENT AND GENTLEMEN,--I do not know how to thank you sufficiently +for this high honor which you are conferring upon me. I have for the +second time now enjoyed this kind of prodigal hospitality--in the other +House yesterday, to-day in this one. I am a modest man, and diffident +about appearing before legislative bodies, and yet utterly an entirely +appreciative of a courtesy like this when it is extended to me, and I +thank you very much for it. + +If I had the privilege, which unfortunately I have not got, of suggesting +things to the legislators in my individual capacity, I would so enjoy the +opportunity that I would not charge anything for it at all. I would do +that without a salary. I would give them the benefit of my wisdom and +experience in legislative bodies, and if I could have had the privilege +for a few minutes of giving advice to the other House I should have liked +to, but of course I could not undertake it, as they did not ask me to do +it--but if they had only asked me! + +Now that the House is considering a measure which is to furnish a water- +supply to the city of New York, why, permit me to say I live in New York +myself. I know all about its ways, its desires, and its residents, and-- +if I had the privilege--I should have urged them not to weary themselves +over a measure like that to furnish water to the city of New York, for we +never drink it. + +But I will not venture to advise this body, as I only venture to advise +bodies who are, not present. + + + + + + +MISTAKEN IDENTITY + +ADDRESS AT THE ANNUAL "LADIES' DAY," PAPYRUS CLUB, BOSTON + +LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,--I am perfectly astonished--a-s-t-o-n-i-s-h-e-d-- +ladies and gentlemen--astonished at the way history repeats itself. +I find myself situated at this moment exactly and precisely as I was once +before, years ago, to a jot, to a tittle--to a very hair. There isn't a +shade of difference. It is the most astonishing coincidence that ever-- +but wait. I will tell you the former instance, and then you will see it +for yourself. Years ago I arrived one day at Salamanca, New York, +eastward bound; must change cars there and take the sleeper train. There +were crowds of people there, and they were swarming into the long sleeper +train and packing it full, and it was a perfect purgatory of dust and +confusion and gritting of teeth and soft, sweet, and low profanity. +I asked the young man in the ticket-office if I could have a sleeping- +section, and he answered "No," with a snarl that shrivelled me up like +burned leather. I went off, smarting under this insult to my dignity, +and asked another local official, supplicatingly, if I couldn't have some +poor little corner somewhere in a sleeping-car; but he cut me short with +a venomous "No, you can't; every corner is full. Now, don't bother me +any more"; and he turned his back and walked off. My dignity was in a +state now which cannot be described. I was so ruffled that--well, I said +to my companion, "If these people knew who I am they--"But my companion +cut me short there--"Don't talk such folly," he said; "if they did know +who you are, do you suppose it would help your high-mightiness to a +vacancy in a train which has no vacancies in it?" + +This did not improve my condition any to speak of, but just then I +observed that the colored porter of a sleeping-car had his eye on me. +I saw his dark countenance light up. He whispered to the uniformed +conductor, punctuating with nods and jerks toward me, and straightway +this conductor came forward, oozing politeness from every pore. + +"Can I be of any service to you ?" he asked. "Will you have a place in +the sleeper?" + +"Yes," I said, "and much oblige me, too. Give me anything--anything will +answer." + +"We have nothing left but the big family state-room," he continued, "with +two berths and a couple of arm-chairs in it, but it is entirely at your +disposal. Here, Tom, take these satchels aboard!" + +Then he touched his hat and we and the colored Tom moved along. I was +bursting to drop just one little remark to my companion, but I held in +and waited. Tom made us comfortable in that sumptuous great apartment, +and then said, with many bows and a perfect affluence of smiles: + +"Now, is dey anything you want, sah? Case you kin have jes' anything you +wants. It don't make no difference what it is." + +"Can I have some hot water and a tumbler at nine to-night-blazing hot?" +I asked. "You know about the right temperature for a hot Scotch punch?" + +"Yes, sah, dat you kin; you kin pen on it; I'll get it myself." + +"Good! Now, that lamp is hung too high. Can I have a big coach candle +fixed up just at the head of my bed, so that I can read comfortably?" + +"Yes, sah, you kin; I'll fix her up myself, an' I'll fix her so she'll +burn all night. Yes, sah; an' you can jes' call for anything you want, +and dish yer whole railroad'll be turned wrong end up an' inside out for +to get it for you. Dat's so." And he disappeared. + +Well, I tilted my head back, hooked my thumbs in my armholes, smiled a +smile on my companion, and said, gently: + +"Well, what do you say now?" + +My companion was not in the humor to respond, and didn't. The next +moment that smiling black face was thrust in at the crack of the door, +and this speech followed: + +"Laws bless you, sah, I knowed you in a minute. I told de conductah so. +Laws! I knowed you de minute I sot eyes on you." + +"Is that so, my boy?" (Handing him a quadruple fee.) "Who am I?" + +"Jenuel McClellan," and he disappeared again. + +My companion said, vinegarishly, "Well, well! what do you say now?" +Right there comes in the marvellous coincidence I mentioned a while ago +--viz., I was speechless, and that is my condition now. Perceive it? + + + + + + +CATS AND CANDY + + The following address was delivered at a social meeting of + literary men in New York in 1874: + +When I was fourteen I was living with my parents, who were very poor--and +correspondently honest. We had a youth living with us by the name of Jim +Wolfe. He was an excellent fellow, seventeen years old, and very +diffident. He and I slept together--virtuously; and one bitter winter's +night a cousin Mary--she's married now and gone--gave what they call a +candy-pulling in those days in the West, and they took the saucers of hot +candy outside of the house into the snow, under a sort of old bower that +came from the eaves--it was a sort of an ell then, all covered with +vines--to cool this hot candy in the snow, and they were all sitting +there. In the mean time we were gone to bed. We were not invited to +attend this party; we were too young. + +The young ladies and gentlemen were assembled there, and Jim and I were +in bed. There was about four inches of snow on the roof of this ell, and +our windows looked out on it; and it was frozen hard. A couple of tom- +cats--it is possible one might have been of the opposite sex--were +assembled on the chimney in the middle of this ell, and they were +growling at a fearful rate, and switching their tails about and going on, +and we couldn't sleep at all. + +Finally Jim said, "For two cents I'd go out and snake them cats off that +chimney." So I said, "Of course you would." He said, "Well, I would; +I have a mighty good notion to do it." Says I, "Of course you have; +certainly you have, you have a great notion to do it." I hoped he might +try it, but I was afraid he wouldn't. + +Finally I did get his ambition up, and he raised the window and climbed +out on the icy roof, with nothing on but his socks and a very short +shirt. He went climbing along on all fours on the roof toward the +chimney where the cats were. In the mean time these young ladies and +gentlemen were enjoying themselves down under the eaves, and when Jim got +almost to that chimney he made a pass at the cats, and his heels flew up +and he shot down and crashed through those vines, and lit in the midst of +the ladies and gentlemen, and sat down in those hot saucers of candy. + +There was a stampede, of course, and he came up-stairs dropping pieces of +chinaware and candy all the way up, and when he got up there--now anybody +in the world would have gone into profanity or something calculated to +relieve the mind, but he didn't; he scraped the candy off his legs, +nursed his blisters a little, and said, "I could have ketched them cats +if I had had on a good ready." + +[Does any reader know what a "ready" was in 1840? D.W.] + + + + + + +OBITUARY POETRY + + ADDRESS AT THE ACTORS' FUND FAIR, PHILADELPHIA, in 1895 + +LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,--The--er this--er--welcome occasion gives me an-- +er--opportunity to make an--er--explanation that I have long desired to +deliver myself of. I rise to the highest honors before a Philadelphia +audience. In the course of my checkered career I have, on divers +occasions, been charged--er--maliciously with a more or less serious +offence. It is in reply to one of the more--er--important of these that +I wish to speak. More than once I have been accused of writing obituary +poetry in the Philadelphia Ledger. + +I wish right here to deny that dreadful assertion. I will admit that +once, when a compositor in the Ledger establishment, I did set up some of +that poetry, but for a worse offence than that no indictment can be found +against me. I did not write that poetry--at least, not all of it. + + + + + + +CIGARS AND TOBACCO + +My friends for some years now have remarked that I am an inveterate +consumer of tobacco. That is true, but my habits with regard to tobacco +have changed. I have no doubt that you will say, when I have explained +to you what my present purpose is, that my taste has deteriorated, but I +do not so regard it. + +Whenever I held a smoking-party at my house, I found that my guests had +always just taken the pledge. + +Let me tell you briefly the history of my personal relation to tobacco. +It began, I think, when I was a lad, and took the form of a quid, which I +became expert in tucking under my tongue. Afterward I learned the +delights of the pipe, and I suppose there was no other youngster of my +age who could more deftly cut plug tobacco so as to make it available for +pipe-smoking. + +Well, time ran on, and there came a time when I was able to gratify one +of my youthful ambitions--I could buy the choicest Havana cigars without +seriously interfering with my income. I smoked a good many, changing off +from the Havana cigars to the pipe in the course of a day's smoking. + +At last it occurred to n1e that something was lacking in the Havana +cigar. It did not quite fulfil my youthful anticipations. +I experimented. I bought what was called a seed-leaf cigar with a +Connecticut wrapper. After a while I became satiated of these, and I +searched for something else, The Pittsburg stogy was recommended to me. +It certainly had the merit of cheapness, if that be a merit in tobacco, +and I experimented with the stogy. + +Then, once more, I changed off, so that I might acquire the subtler +flavor of the Wheeling toby. Now that palled, and I looked around New +York in the hope of finding cigars which would seem to most people vile, +but which, I am sure, would be ambrosial to me. I couldn't find any. +They put into my hands some of those little things that cost ten cents a +box, but they are a delusion. + +I said to a friend, "I want to know if you can direct me to an honest +tobacco merchant who will tell me what is the worst cigar in the New York +market, excepting those made for Chinese consumption--I want real +tobacco. If you will do this and I find the man is as good as his word, +I will guarantee him a regular market for a fair amount of his cigars." + +We found a tobacco dealer who would tell the truth--who, if a cigar was +bad, would boldly say so. He produced what he called the very worst +cigars he had ever had in his shop. He let me experiment with one then +and there. The test was satisfactory. + +This was, after all, the real thing. I negotiated for a box of them and +took them away with me, so that I might be sure of having them handy when +I want them. + +I discovered that the "worst cigars," so called, are the best for me, +after all. + + + + + + +BILLIARDS + + Mr. Clemens attended a billiard tourney on the evening of April + 24, 1906, and was called on to tell a story. + +The game of billiards has destroyed my naturally sweet disposition. +Once, when I was an underpaid reporter in Virginia City, whenever I +wished to play billiards I went out to look for an easy mark. One day a +stranger came to town and opened a billiard parlor. I looked him over +casually. When he proposed a game, I answered, "All right." + +"Just knock the balls around a little so that I can get your gait," he +said; and when I had done so, he remarked: "I will be perfectly fair with +you. I'll play you left-handed." I felt hurt, for he was cross-eyed, +freckled, and had red hair, and I determined to teach him a lesson. He +won first shot, ran out, took my half-dollar, and all I got was the +opportunity to chalk my cue. + +"If you can play like that with your left hand," I said, "I'd like to see +you play with your right." + +"I can't," he said. "I'm left-handed." + + + + + + +THE UNION RIGHT OR WRONG + + REMINISCENCES OF NEVADA + +I can assure you, ladies and gentlemen, that Nevada had lively newspapers +in those days. + +My great competitor among the reporters was Boggs, of the Union, an +excellent reporter. + +Once in three or four months he would get a little intoxicated; but, as a +general thing, he was a wary and cautious drinker, although always ready +to damp himself a little with the enemy. + +He had the advantage of me in one thing: he could get the monthly public- +school report and I could not, because the principal hated my sheet--the +'Enterprise'. + +One snowy night, when the report was due, I started out, sadly wondering +how I was to get it. + +Presently, a few steps up the almost deserted street, I stumbled on +Boggs, and asked him where he was going. + +"After the school report." + +"I'll go along with you." + +"No, Sir. I'll excuse you." + +"Have it your own way." + +A saloon-keeper's boy passed by with a steaming pitcher of hot punch, and +Boggs snuffed the fragrance gratefully. + +He gazed fondly after the boy, and saw him start up the Enterprise +stairs. + +I said: + +"I wish you could help me get that school business, but since you can't, +I must run up to the Union office and see if I can get a proof of it +after it's set up, though I don't begin to suppose I can. Good night." + +"Hold on a minute. I don't mind getting the report and sitting around +with the boys a little while you copy it, if you're willing to drop down +to the principal's with me." + +"Now you talk like a human being. Come along." + +We ploughed a couple of blocks through the snow, got the report--a short +document--and soon copied it in our office. + +Meantime, Boggs helped himself to the punch. + +I gave the manuscript back to him, and we started back to get an inquest. + +At four o'clock in the morning, when we had gone to press and were having +a relaxing concert as usual (for some of the printers were good singers +and others good performers on the guitar and on that atrocity the +accordion), the proprietor of the Union strode in and asked if anybody +had heard anything of Boggs or the school report. + +We stated the case, and all turned out to help hunt for the delinquent. + +We found him standing on a table in a saloon, with an old tin lantern in +one hand and the school report in the other, haranguing a gang of +"corned" miners on, the iniquity of squandering the public money on +education "when hundreds and hundreds of honest, hard-working men were +literally starving for whiskey." + +He had been assisting in a regal spree with those parties for hours. + +We dragged him away, and put him into bed. + +Of course there was no school report in the Union, and Boggs held me +accountable, though I was innocent of any intention or desire to compass +its absence from that paper, and was as sorry as any one that the +misfortune had occurred. But we were perfectly friendly. + +The day the next school report was due the proprietor of the Tennessee +Mine furnished us a buggy, and asked us to go down and write something +about the property--a very common request, and one always gladly acceded +to when people furnished buggies, for we were as fond of pleasure +excursions as other people. + +The "mine" was a hole in the ground ninety feet deep, and no way of +getting down into it but by holding on to a rope and being lowered with a +windlass. + +The workmen had just gone off somewhere to dinner. + +I was not strong enough to lower Boggs's bulk, so I took an unlighted +candle in my teeth, made a loop for my foot in the end of the rope, +implored Boggs not to go to sleep or let the windlass get the start of +him, and then swung out over the shaft. + +I reached the bottom muddy and bruised about the elbows, but safe. + +I lit the candle, made an examination of the rock, selected some +specimens, and shouted to Boggs to hoist away. + +No answer. + +Presently a head appeared in the circle of daylight away aloft, and a +voice came down: + +"Are you all set?" + +"All set-hoist away!" + +"Are you comfortable?" + +"Perfectly." + +"Could you wait a little?" + +"Oh, certainly-no particular hurry." + +"Well-good-bye." + +"Why, where are you going?" + +"After the school report!" + +And he did. + +I stayed down there an hour, and surprised the workmen when they hauled +up and found a man on the rope instead of a bucket of rock. + +I walked home, too--five miles-up-hill. + +We had no school report next morning--but the Union had. + + + + + + +AN IDEAL FRENCH ADDRESS + + EXTRACT FROM "PARIS NOTES," IN "TOM SAWYER ABROAD," ETC. + +I am told that a French sermon is like a French speech--it never names an +historical event, but only the date of it; if you are not up in dates, +you get left. A French speech is something like this: + +"Comrades, citizens, brothers, noble parts of the only sublime and +perfect nation, let us not forget that the 21st January cast off our +chains; that the 10th August relieved us of the shameful presence of +foreign spies; that the 5th September was its own justification before +Heaven and humanity; that the 18th Brumaire contained the seeds of its +own punishment; that the 14th July was the mighty voice of liberty +proclaiming the resurrection, the new day, and inviting the oppressed +peoples of the earth to look upon the divine face of France and live; +and let us here record our everlasting curse against the man of the +2d December, and declare in thunder tones, the native tones of France, +that but for him there had been no 17th Mardi in history, no 12th +October, nor 9th January, no 22d April, no 16th November, no 30th +September, no 2d July, no 14th February, no 29th June, no 15th August, no +31st May--that but for him, France, the pure, the grand, the peerless, +had had a serene and vacant almanac to-day." + +I have heard of one French sermon which closed in this odd yet eloquent +way: + +"My hearers, we have sad cause to remember the man of the 13th January. +The results of the vast crime of the 13th January have been in just +proportion to the magnitude of the act itself. But for it there had been +no 30th November--sorrowful spectacle! The grisly deed of the 16th June +had not been done but for it, nor had the man of the 16th June known +existence; to it alone the 3d September was due, also the fatal 12th +October. Shall we, then, be grateful for the 13th January, with its +freight of death for you and me and all that breathe? Yes, my friends, +for it gave us also that which had never come but for it, and it alone-- +the blessed 25th December." + +It may be well enough to explain. The man of the 13th January is Adam; +the crime of that date was the eating of the apple; the sorrowful +spectacle of the 30th November was the expulsion from Eden; the grisly +deed of the 16th June was the murder of Abel; the act of the 3d September +was the beginning of the journey to the land of Nod; the 12th day of +October, the last mountaintops disappeared under the flood. When you go +to church in France, you want to take your almanac with you--annotated. + + + + + + +STATISTICS + + EXTRACT FROM "THE HISTORY OF THE SAVAGE CLUB" + + During that period of gloom when domestic bereavement had + forced Mr. Clemens and his dear ones to secure the privacy they + craved until their wounds should heal, his address was known to + only a very few of his closest friends. One old friend in New + York, after vain efforts to get his address, wrote him a letter + addressed as follows + + MARK TWAIN, + God Knows Where, + Try London. + + The letter found him, and Mr. Clemens replied to the letter + expressing himself surprised and complimented that the person + who was credited with knowing his whereabouts should take so + much interest in him, adding: "Had the letter been addressed to + the care of the 'other party,' I would naturally have expected + to receive it without delay." + + His correspondent tried again, and addressed the second letter: + + MARK TWAIN, + The Devil Knows Where, + Try London. + + This found him also no less promptly. + + On June 9, 1899, he consented to visit the Savage Club, London, + on condition that there was to be no publicity and no speech + was to be expected from him. The toastmaster, in proposing the + health of their guest, said that as a Scotchman, and therefore + as a born expert, he thought Mark Twain had little or no claim + to the title of humorist. Mr. Clemens had tried to be funny + but had failed, and his true role in life was statistics; that + he was a master of statistics, and loved them for their own + sake, and it would be the easiest task he ever undertook if he + would try to count all the real jokes he had ever made. While + the toastmaster was speaking, the members saw Mr. Clemens's + eyes begin to sparkle and his cheeks to flush. He jumped up, + and made a characteristic speech. + +Perhaps I am not a humorist, but I am a first-class fool--a simpleton; +for up to this moment I have believed Chairman MacAlister to be a decent +person whom I could allow to mix up with my friends and relatives. The +exhibition he has just made of himself reveals him to be a scoundrel and +a knave of the deepest dye. I have been cruelly deceived, and it serves +me right for trusting a Scotchman. Yes, I do understand figures, and I +can count. I have counted the words in MacAlister's drivel (I certainly +cannot call it a speech), and there were exactly three thousand four +hundred and thirty-nine. I also carefully counted the lies--there were +exactly three thousand four hundred and thirty-nine. Therefore, I leave +MacAlister to his fate. + +I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, +because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is +dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I am not feeling very well +myself. + + + + + + +GALVESTON ORPHAN BAZAAR + + ADDRESS AT A FAIR HELD AT THE WALDORF-ASTORIA, NEW YORK, IN + OCTOBER, 1900, IN AID OF THE ORPHANS AT GALVESTON + +I expected that the Governor of Texas would occupy this place first and +would speak to you, and in the course of his remarks would drop a text +for me to talk from; but with the proverbial obstinacy that is proverbial +with governors, they go back on their duties, and he has not come here, +and has not furnished me with a text, and I am here without a text. I +have no text except what you furnish me with your handsome faces, and-- +but I won't continue that, for I could go on forever about attractive +faces, beautiful dresses, and other things. But, after all, compliments +should be in order in a place like this. + +I have been in New York two or three days, and have been in a condition +of strict diligence night and day, the object of this diligence being to +regulate the moral and political situation on this planet--put it on a +sound basis--and when you are regulating the conditions of a planet it +requires a great deal of talk in a great many kinds of ways, and when you +have talked a lot the emptier you get, and get also in a position of +corking. When I am situated like that, with nothing to say, I feel as +though I were a sort of fraud; I seem to be playing a part, and please +consider I am playing a part for want of something better, and this, is +not unfamiliar to me; I have often done this before. + +When I was here about eight years ago I was coming up in a car of the +elevated road. Very few people were in that car, and on one end of it +there was no one, except on the opposite seat, where sat a man about +fifty years old, with a most winning face and an elegant eye--a beautiful +eye; and I took him from his dress to be a master mechanic, a man who had +a vocation. He had with him a very fine little child of about four or +five years. I was watching the affection which existed between those +two. I judged he was the grandfather, perhaps. It was really a pretty +child, and I was admiring her, and as soon as he saw I was admiring her +he began to notice me. + +I could see his admiration of me in his eye, and I did what everybody +else would do--admired the child four times as much, knowing I would get +four times as much of his admiration. Things went on very pleasantly. +I was making my way into his heart. + +By-and-by, when he almost reached the station where he was to get off, +he got up, crossed over, and he said: "Now I am going to say something to +you which I hope you will regard as a compliment." And then he went on +to say: "I have never seen Mark Twain, but I have seen a portrait of him, +and any friend of mine will tell you that when I have once seen a +portrait of a man I place it in my eye and store it away in my memory, +and I can tell you now that you look enough like Mark Twain to be his +brother. Now," he said, "I hope you take this as a compliment. Yes, you +are a very good imitation; but when I come to look closer, you are +probably not that man." + +I said: "I will be frank with you. In my desire to look like that +excellent character I have dressed for the character; I have been playing +a part." + +He said: "That is all right, that is all right; you look very well on the +outside, but when it comes to the inside you are not in it with the +original" + +So when I come to a place like this with nothing valuable to say I always +play a part. But I will say before I sit down that when it comes to +saying anything here I will express myself in this way: I am heartily in +sympathy with you in your efforts to help those who were sufferers in +this calamity, and in your desire to heap those who were rendered +homeless, and in saying this I wish to impress on you the fact that I am +not playing a part. + + + + + + +SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE + + After the address at the Robert Fulton Fund meeting, June 19, + 1906, Mr. Clemens talked to the assembled reporters about the + San Francisco earthquake. + +I haven't been there since 1868, and that great city of San Francisco has +grown up since my day. When I was there she had one hundred and eighteen +thousand people, and of this number eighteen thousand were Chinese. +I was a reporter on the Virginia City Enterprise in Nevada in 1862, and +stayed there, I think, about two years, when I went to San Francisco and +got a job as a reporter on The Call. I was there three or four +years. + +I remember one day I was walking down Third Street in San Francisco. It +was a sleepy, dull Sunday afternoon, and no one was stirring. Suddenly +as I looked up the street about three hundred yards the whole side of a +house fell out. The street was full of bricks and mortar. At the same +time I was knocked against the side of a house, and stood there stunned +for a moment. + +I thought it was an earthquake. Nobody else had heard anything about it +and no one said earthquake to me afterward, but I saw it and I wrote it. +Nobody else wrote it, and the house I saw go into the street was the only +house in the city that felt it. I've always wondered if it wasn't a +little performance gotten up for my especial entertainment by the nether +regions. + + + + + + +CHARITY AND ACTORS + + ADDRESS AT THE ACTORS' FUND FAIR IN THE METROPOLITAN + OPERA HOUSE, NEW YORK, MAY 6, 1907 + + Mr. Clemens, in his white suit, formally declared the fair + open. Mr. Daniel Frohman, in introducing Mr. Clemens, said: + + "We intend to make this a banner week in the history of the + Fund, which takes an interest in every one on the stage, be he + actor, singer, dancer, or workman. We have spent more than + $40,000 during the past year. Charity covers a multitude of + sins, but it also reveals a multitude of virtues. At the + opening of the former fair we had the assistance of Edwin Booth + and Joseph Jefferson. In their place we have to-day that + American institution and apostle of wide humanity--Mark Twain." + +As Mr. Frohman has said, charity reveals a multitude of virtues. This is +true, and it is to be proved here before the week is over. Mr. Frohman +has told you something of the object and something of the character of +the work. He told me he would do this--and he has kept his word! I had +expected to hear of it through the newspapers. I wouldn't trust anything +between Frohman and the newspapers--except when it's a case of charity! + +You should all remember that the actor has been your benefactor many and +many a year. When you have been weary and downcast he has lifted your +heart out of gloom and given you a fresh impulse. You are all under +obligation to him. This is your opportunity to be his benefactor--to +help provide for him in his old age and when he suffers from infirmities. + +At this fair no one is to be persecuted to buy. If you offer a twenty- +dollar bill in payment for a purchase of $1 you will receive $19 in +change. There is to be no robbery here. There is to be no creed here-- +no religion except charity. We want to raise $250,000--and that is a +great task to attempt. + +The President has set the fair in motion by pressing the button in +Washington. Now your good wishes are to be transmuted into cash. + +By virtue of the authority in me vested I declare the fair open. I call +the ball game. Let the transmuting begin! + + + + + + +RUSSIAN REPUBLIC + +The American auxiliary movement to aid the cause of freedom in Russia was +launched on the evening of April 11, 1906, at the Club A house, 3 Fifth +Avenue, with Mr. Clemens and Maxim Gorky as the principal spokesmen. +Mr. Clemens made an introductory address, presenting Mr. Gorky. + +If we can build a Russian republic to give to the persecuted people of +the Tsar's domain the same measure of freedom that we enjoy, let us go +ahead and do it. We need not discuss the methods by which that purpose +is to be attained. Let us hope that fighting will be postponed or +averted. for a while, but if it must come-- + +I am most emphatically in sympathy with the movement, now on foot in +Russia, to make that country free. I am certain that it will be +successful, as it deserves to be. Any such movement should have and +deserves our earnest and unanimous co-operation, and such a petition for +funds as has been explained by Mr. Hunter, with its just and powerful +meaning, should have the utmost support of each and every one of us. +Anybody whose ancestors were in this country when we were trying to free +ourselves from oppression, must sympathize with those who now are trying +to do the same thing in Russia. + +The parallel I have just drawn only goes to show that it makes no +difference whether the oppression is bitter or not; men with red, warm +blood in their veins will not endure it, but will seek to cast it off. +If we keep our hearts in this matter Russia will be free. + + + + + + +RUSSIAN SUFFERERS + + On December 18, 1905, an entertainment was given at the Casino + for the benefit of the Russian sufferers. After the + performance Mr. Clemens spoke. + +LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,--It seems a sort of cruelty to inflict upon an +audience like this our rude English tongue, after we have heard that +divine speech flowing in that lucid Gallic tongue. + +It has always been a marvel to me--that French language; it has always +been a puzzle to me. How beautiful that language is. How expressive it +seems to be. How full of grace it is. + +And when it comes from lips like those, how eloquent and how liquid it +is. And, oh, I am always deceived--I always think I am going to +understand it. + +Oh, it is such a delight to me, such a delight to me, to meet Madame +Bernhardt, and laugh hand to hand and heart to heart with her. + +I have seen her play, as we all have, and oh, that is divine; but I have +always wanted to know Madame Bernhardt herself--her fiery self. I have +wanted to know that beautiful character. + +Why, she is the youngest person I ever saw, except myself--for I always +feel young when I come in the presence of young people. + +I have a pleasant recollection of an incident so many years ago--when +Madame Bernhardt came to Hartford, where I lived, and she was going to +play and the tickets were three dollars, and there were two lovely women +--a widow and her daughter--neighbors of ours, highly cultivated ladies +they were; their tastes were fine and elevated, but they were very poor, +and they said "Well, we must not spend six dollars on a pleasure of the +mind, a pleasure of the intellect; we must spend it, if it must go at +all, to furnish to somebody bread to eat." + +And so they sorrowed over the fact that they had to give up that great +pleasure of seeing Madame Bernhardt, but there were two neighbors equally +highly cultivated and who could not afford bread, and those good-hearted +Joneses sent that six dollars--deprived themselves of it--and sent it to +those poor Smiths to buy bread with. And those Smiths took it and bought +tickets with it to see Madame Bernhardt. + +Oh yes, some people have tastes and intelligence also. + +Now, I was going to make a speech--I supposed I was, but I am not. It is +late, late; and so I am going to tell a story; and there is this +advantage about a story, anyway, that whatever moral or valuable thing +you put into a speech, why, it gets diffused among those involuted +sentences and possibly your audience goes away without finding out what +that valuable thing was that you were trying to confer upon it; but, dear +me, you put the same jewel into a story and it becomes the keystone of +that story, and you are bound to get it--it flashes, it flames, it is the +jewel in the toad's head--you don't overlook that. + +Now, if I am going to talk on such a subject as, for instance, the lost +opportunity--oh, the lost opportunity. Anybody in this house who has +reached the turn of life--sixty, or seventy, or even fifty, or along +there--when he goes back along his history, there he finds it mile-stoned +all the way with the lost opportunity, and you know how pathetic that is. + +You younger ones cannot know the full pathos that lies in those words-- +the lost opportunity; but anybody who is old, who has really lived and +felt this life, he knows the pathos of the lost opportunity. + +Now, I will tell you a story whose moral is that, whose lesson is that, +whose lament is that. + +I was in a village which is a suburb of New Bedford several years ago-- +well, New Bedford is a suburb of Fair Haven, or perhaps it is the other +way; in any case, it took both of those towns to make a great centre of +the great whaling industry of the first half of the nineteenth century, +and I was up there at Fair Haven some years ago with a friend of mine. + +There was a dedication of a great town-hall, a public building, and we +were there in the afternoon. This great building was filled, like this +great theatre, with rejoicing villagers, and my friend and I started down +the centre aisle. He saw a man standing in that aisle, and he said "Now, +look at that bronzed veteran--at that mahogany-faced man. Now, tell me, +do you see anything about that man's face that is emotional? Do you see +anything about it that suggests that inside that man anywhere there are +fires that can be started? Would you ever imagine that that is a human +volcano?" + +"Why, no," I said, "I would not. He looks like a wooden Indian in front +of a cigar store." + +"Very well," said my friend, "I will show you that there is emotion even +in that unpromising place. I will just go to that man and I will just +mention in the most casual way an incident in his life. That man is +getting along toward ninety years old. He is past eighty. I will +mention an incident of fifty or sixty years ago. Now, just watch the +effect, and it will be so casual that if you don't watch you won't know +when I do say that thing--but you just watch the effect." + +He went on down there and accosted this antiquity, and made a remark or +two. I could not catch up. They were so casual I could not recognize +which one it was that touched that bottom, for in an instant that old man +was literally in eruption and was filling the whole place with profanity +of the most exquisite kind. You never heard such accomplished profanity. +I never heard it also delivered with such eloquence. + +I never enjoyed profanity as I enjoyed it then--more than if I had been +uttering it myself. There is nothing like listening to an artist--all +his passions passing away in lava, smoke, thunder, lightning, and +earthquake. + +Then this friend said to me: "Now, I will tell you about that. About +sixty years ago that man was a young fellow of twenty-three, and had just +come home from a three years' whaling voyage. He came into that village +of his, happy and proud because now, instead of being chief mate, he was +going to be master of a whaleship, and he was proud and happy about it. + +"Then he found that there had been a kind of a cold frost come upon that +town and the whole region roundabout; for while he had been away the +Father Mathew temperance excitement had come upon the whole region. +Therefore, everybody had taken the pledge; there wasn't anybody for miles +and miles around that had not taken the pledge. + +"So you can see what a solitude it was to this young man, who was fond of +his grog. And he was just an outcast, because when they found he would +not join Father Mathew's Society they ostracized him, and he went about +that town three weeks, day and night, in utter loneliness--the only human +being in the whole place who ever took grog, and he had to take it +privately. + +"If you don't know what it is to be ostracized, to be shunned by your +fellow-man, may you never know it. Then he recognized that there was +something more valuable in this life than grog, and that is the +fellowship of your fellow-man. And at last he gave it up, and at nine +o'clock one night he went down to the Father Mathew Temperance Society, +and with a broken heart he said: 'Put my name down for membership in this +society.' + +"And then he went away crying, and at earliest dawn the next morning they +came for him and routed him out, and they said that new ship of his was +ready to sail on a three years' voyage. In a minute he was on board that +ship and gone. + +"And he said--well, he was not out of sight of that town till he began to +repent, but he had made up his mind that he would not take a drink, and +so that whole voyage of three years was a three years' agony to that man +because he saw all the time the mistake he had made. + +"He felt it all through; he had constant reminders of it, because the +crew would pass him with their grog, come out on the deck and take it, +and there was the torturous Smell of it. + +"He went through the whole, three years of suffering, and at last coming +into port it was snowy, it was cold, he was stamping through the snow two +feet deep on the deck and longing to get home, and there was his crew +torturing him to the last minute with hot grog, but at last he had his +reward. He really did get to shore at fast, and jumped and ran and +bought a jug and rushed to the society's office, and said to the +secretary: + +"'Take my name off your membership books, and do it right away! I have +got a three years' thirst on.' + +"And the secretary said: 'It is not necessary. You were blackballed!'" + + + + + + +WATTERSON AND TWAIN AS REBELS + + ADDRESS AT THE CELEBRATION OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S 92D BIRTHDAY + ANNIVERSARY, CARNEGIE HALL, FEBRUARY 11, 1901, TO RAISE FUNDS + FOR THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL UNIVERSITY AT CUMBERLAND GAP, TENN. + +LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,-- The remainder of my duties as presiding chairman +here this evening are but two--only two. One of them is easy, and the +other difficult. That is to say, I must introduce the orator, and then +keep still and give him a chance. The name of Henry Watterson carries +with it its own explanation. It is like an electric light on top of +Madison Square Garden; you touch the button and the light flashes up out +of the darkness. You mention the name of Henry Watterson, and your minds +are at once illuminated with the splendid radiance of his fame and +achievements. A journalist, a soldier, an orator, a statesman, a rebel. +Yes, he was a rebel; and, better still, now he is a reconstructed rebel. + +It is a curious circumstance, a circumstance brought about without any +collusion or prearrangement, that he and I, both of whom were rebels +related by blood to each other, should be brought here together this +evening bearing a tribute in our hands and bowing our heads in reverence +to that noble soul who for three years we tried to destroy. I don't know +as the fact has ever been mentioned before, but it is a fact, +nevertheless. Colonel Watterson and I were both rebels, and we are blood +relations. I was a second lieutenant in a Confederate company for a +while--oh, I could have stayed on if I had wanted to. I made myself +felt, I left tracks all around the country. I could have stayed on, but +it was such weather. I never saw such weather to be out-of-doors in, in +all my life. + +The Colonel commanded a regiment, and did his part, I suppose, to destroy +the Union. He did not succeed, yet if he had obeyed me he would have +done so. I had a plan, and I fully intended to drive General Grant into +the Pacific Ocean--if I could get transportation. I told Colonel +Watterson about it. I told him what he had to do. What I wanted him to +do was to surround the Eastern army and wait until I came up. But he was +insubordinate; he stuck on some quibble of military etiquette about a +second lieutenant giving orders to a colonel or something like that. And +what was the consequence? The Union was preserved. This is the first +time I believe that that secret has ever been revealed. + +No one outside of the family circle, I think, knew it before; but there +the facts are. Watterson saved the Union; yes, he saved the Union. And +yet there he sits, and not a step has been taken or a movement made +toward granting him a pension. That is the way things are done. It is a +case where some blushing ought to be done. You ought to blush, and I +ought to blush, and he--well, he's a little out of practice now. + + + + + + +ROBERT FULTON FUND + + ADDRESS MADE ON THE EVENING OF APRIL 19, 1906 + + Mr. Clemens had been asked to address the association by Gen. + Frederick D. Grant, president. He was offered a fee of $1,000, + but refused it, saying: + + "I shall be glad to do it, but I must stipulate that you keep + the $1,000, and add it to the Memorial Fund as my contribution + to erect a monument in New York to the memory of the man who + applied steam to navigation." + + At this meeting Mr. Clemens made this formal announcement from + the platform: + + "This is my last appearance on the paid platform. I shall not + retire from the gratis platform until I am buried, and courtesy + will compel me to keep still and not disturb the others. Now, + since I must, I shall say good-bye. I see many faces in this + audience well known to me. They are all my friends, and I feel + that those I don't know are my friends, too. I wish to + consider that you represent the nation, and that in saying + good-bye to you I am saying good-bye to the nation. In the + great name of humanity, let me say this final word: I offer an + appeal in behalf of that vast, pathetic multitude of fathers, + mothers, and helpless little children. They were sheltered and + happy two days ago. Now they are wandering, forlorn, hopeless, + and homeless, the victims of a great disaster. So I beg of + you, I beg of you, to open your hearts and open your purses and + remember San Francisco, the smitten city." + +I wish to deliver a historical address. I've been studying the history +of---er--a--let me see--a [then he stopped in confusion, and walked over +to Gen. Fred D. Grant, who sat at the head of the platform. He leaned +over an a whisper, and then returned to the front of the stage and +continued]. Oh yes! I've been studying Robert Fulton. I've been +studying a biographical sketch of Robert Fulton, the inventor of--er--a-- +let's see--ah yes, the inventor of the electric telegraph and the Morse +sewing--machine. Also, I understand he invented the air--diria--pshaw! +I have it at last--the dirigible balloon. Yes, the dirigible--but it is +a difficult word, and I don't see why anybody should marry a couple of +words like that when they don't want to be married at all and are likely +to quarrel with each other all the time. I should put that couple of +words under the ban of the United States Supreme Court, under its +decision of a few days ago, and take 'em out and drown 'em. + +I used to know Fulton. It used to do me good to see him dashing through +tile town on a wild broncho. + +And Fulton was born in---er--a--Well, it doesn't make much difference +where he was born, does it? I remember a man who came to interview me +once, to get a sketch of my life. I consulted with a friend--a practical +man--before he came, to know how I should treat him. + +"Whenever you give the interviewer a fact," he said, "give him another +fact that will contradict it. Then he'll go away with a jumble that he +can't use at all. Be gentle, be sweet, smile like an idiot--just be +natural." That's what my friend told me to do, and I did it. + +"Where were you born?" asked the interviewer. + +"Well-er-a," I began, "I was born in Alabama, or Alaska, or the Sandwich +Islands; I don't know where, but right around there somewhere. And you +had better put it down before you forget it." + +"But you weren't born in all those places," he said. + +"Well, I've offered you three places. Take your choice. They're all at +the same price." + +"How old are you?" he asked. + +"I shall be nineteen in June," I said. + +"Why, there's such a discrepancy between your age and your looks," he +said. + +"Oh, that's nothing," I said, "I was born discrepantly." + +Then we got to talking about my brother Samuel, and he told me my +explanations were confusing. + +"I suppose he is dead," I said. "Some said that he was dead and some +said that he wasn't." + +"Did you bury him without knowing whether he was dead or not?" asked the +reporter. + +"There was a mystery," said I. "We were twins, and one day when we were +two weeks old--that is, he was one week old, and I was one week old--we +got mixed up in the bath-tub, and one of us drowned. We never could tell +which. One of us had a strawberry birthmark on the back of his hand. +There it is on my hand. This is the one that was drowned. There's no +doubt about it. + +"Where's the mystery?" he said. + +"Why, don't you see how stupid it was to bury the wrong twin?" +I answered. I didn't explain it any more because he said the explanation +confused him. To me it is perfectly plain. + +But, to get back to Fulton. I'm going along like an old man I used to +know who used to start to tell a story about his grandfather. He had an +awfully retentive memory, and he never finished the story, because he +switched off into something else. He used to tell about how his +grandfather one day went into a pasture, where there was a ram. The old +man dropped a silver dime in the grass, and stooped over to pick it up. +The ram was observing him, and took the old man's action as an +invitation. + +Just as he was going to finish about the ram this friend of mine would +recall that his grandfather had a niece who had a glass eye. She used to +loan that glass eye to another lady friend, who used it when she received +company. The eye didn't fit the friend's face, and it was loose. And +whenever she winked it would turn aver. + +Then he got on the subject of accidents, and he would tell a story about +how he believed accidents never happened. + +"There was an Irishman coming down a ladder with a hod of bricks," he +said, "and a Dutchman was standing on the ground below. The Irishman +fell on the Dutchman and killed him. Accident? Never! If the Dutchman +hadn't been there the Irishman would have been killed. Why didn't the +Irishman fall on a dog which was next, to the Dutchman? Because the dog +would have seen him coming." + +Then he'd get off from the Dutchman to an uncle named Reginald Wilson. +Reginald went into a carpet factory one day, and got twisted into the +machinery's belt. He went excursioning around the factory until he was +properly distributed and was woven into sixty-nine yards of the best +three-ply carpet. His wife bought the carpet, and then she erected a +monument to his memory. It read: + + Sacred to the memory + of + sixty-nine yards of the best three-ply carpet + containing the mortal remainders of + + REGINALD WILSON + + Go thou and do likewise + +And so an he would ramble about telling the story of his grandfather +until we never were told whether he found the ten-cent piece or whether +something else happened. + + + + + + +FULTON DAY, JAMESTOWN + + ADDRESS DELIVERED SEPTEMBER 23, 1907 + + Lieutenant-Governor Ellyson, of Virginia, in introducing Mr. + Clemens, said: + + "The people have come here to bring a tribute of affectionate + recollection for the man who has contributed so much to the + progress of the world and the happiness of mankind." As Mr. + Clemens came down to the platform the applause became louder + and louder, until Mr. Clemens held out his hand for silence. + It was a great triumph, and it was almost a minute after the + applause ceased before Mr. Clemens could speak. He attempted + it once, and when the audience noticed his emotion, it cheered + again loudly. + +LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,--I am but human, and when you, give me a reception +like that I am obliged to wait a little while I get my voice. When you +appeal to my head, I don't feel it; but when you appeal to my heart, I do +feel it. + +We are here to celebrate one of the greatest events of American history, +and not only in American history, but in the world's history. + +Indeed it was--the application of steam by Robert Fulton. + +It was a world event--there are not many of them. It is peculiarly an +American event, that is true, but the influence was very broad in effect. +We should regard this day as a very great American holiday. We have not +many that are exclusively American holidays. We have the Fourth of July, +which we regard as an American holiday, but it is nothing of the kind. +I am waiting for a dissenting voice. All great efforts that led up to +the Fourth of July were made, not by Americans, but by English residents +of America, subjects of the King of England. + +They fought all the fighting that was done, they shed and spilt all the +blood that was spilt, in securing to us the invaluable liberties which +are incorporated in the Declaration of Independence; but they were not +Americans. They signed the Declaration of Independence; no American's +name is signed to that document at all. There never was an American such +as you and I are until after the Revolution, when it had all been fought +out and liberty secured, after the adoption of the Constitution, and the +recognition of the Independence of America by all powers. + +While we revere the Fourth of July--and let us always revere it, and the +liberties it conferred upon us--yet it was not an American event, a great +American day. + +It was an American who applied that steam successfully. There are not a +great many world events, and we have our full share. The telegraph, +telephone, and the application of steam to navigation--these are great +American events. + +To-day I have been requested, or I have requested myself, not to confine +myself to furnishing you with information, but to remind you of things, +and to introduce one of the nation's celebrants. + +Admiral Harrington here is going to tell you all that I have left untold. +I am going to tell you all that I know, and then he will follow up with +such rags and remnants as he can find, and tell you what he knows. + +No doubt you have heard a great deal about Robert Fulton and the +influences that have grown from his invention, but the little steamboat +is suffering neglect. + +You probably do not know a great deal about that boat. It was the most +important steamboat in the world. I was there and saw it. Admiral +Harrington was there at the time. It need not surprise you, for he is +not as old as he looks. That little boat was interesting in every way. +The size of it. The boat was one [consults Admiral], he said ten feet +long. The breadth of that boat [consults Admiral], two hundred feet. +You see, the first and most important detail is the length, then the +breadth, and then the depth; the depth of that boat was [consults again] +--the Admiral says it was a flat boat. Then her tonnage--you know +nothing about a boat until you know two more things: her speed and her +tonnage. We know the speed she made. She made four miles---and +sometimes five miles. It was on her initial trip, on, August 11, 1807, +that she made her initial trip, when she went from [consults Admiral] +Jersey City -- to Chicago. That's right. She went by way of Albany. +Now comes the tonnage of that boat. Tonnage of a boat means the amount +of displacement; displacement means the amount of water a vessel can +shove in a day. The tonnage of man is estimated by the amount of whiskey +he can displace in a day. + +Robert Fulton named the 'Clermont' in honor of his bride, that is, +Clermont was the name of the county-seat. + +I feel that it surprises you that I know so much. In my remarks of +welcome of Admiral Harrington I am not going to give him compliments. +Compliments always embarrass a man. You do not know anything to say. +It does not inspire you with words. There is nothing you can say in +answer to a compliment. I have been complimented myself a great many +times, and they always embarrass me--I always feel that they have not +said enough. + +The Admiral and myself have held public office, and were associated +together a great deal a friendly way in the time of Pocahontas. That +incident where Pocahontas saves the life of Smith from her father, +Powhatan's club, was gotten up by the Admiral and myself to advertise +Jamestown. + +At that time the Admiral and myself did not have the facilities of +advertising that you have. + +I have known Admiral Harrington in all kinds of situations--in public +service, on the platform, and in the chain-gang now and then--but it was +a mistake. A case of mistaken identity. I do not think it is at all a +necessity to tell you Admiral Harrington's public history. You know that +it is in the histories. I am not here to tell you anything about his +public life, but to expose his private life. + +I am something of a poet. When the great poet laureate, Tennyson, died, +and I found that the place was open, I tried to get it--but I did not get +it. Anybody can write the first line of a poem, but it is a very +difficult task to make the second line rhyme with the first. When I was +down in Australia there were two towns named Johnswood and Par-am. I +made this rhyme: + + "The people of Johnswood are pious and good; + The people of Par-am they don't care a ----." + +I do not want to compliment Admiral Harrington, but as long as such men +as he devote their lives to the public service the credit of the country +will never cease. I will say that the same high qualities, the same +moral and intellectual attainments, the same graciousness of manner, of +conduct, of observation, and expression have caused Admiral Harrington to +be mistaken for me--and I have been mistaken for him. + +A mutual compliment can go no further, and I now have the honor and +privilege of introducing to you Admiral Harrington. + + + + + + +LOTOS CLUB DINNER IN HONOR OF MARK TWAIN + + ADDRESS AT THE FIRST FORMAL DINNER IN THE NEW CLUB-HOUSE, + NOVEMBER 11, 1893 + + In introducing the guest of the evening, Mr. Lawrence said: + + "To-night the old faces appear once more amid new surroundings. + The place where last we met about the table has vanished, and + to-night we have our first Lotos dinner in a home that is all + our own. It is peculiarly fitting that the board should now be + spread in honor of one who has been a member of the club for + full a score of years, and it is a happy augury for the future + that our fellow-member whom we assemble to greet should be the + bearer of a most distinguished name in the world of letters; + for the Lotos Club is ever at its best when paying homage to + genius in literature or in art. Is there a civilized being who + has not heard the name of Mark Twain? We knew him long years + ago, before he came out of the boundless West, brimful of wit + and eloquence, with no reverence for anything, and went abroad + to educate the untutored European in the subtleties of the + American joke. The world has looked on and applauded while he + has broken many images. He has led us in imagination all over + the globe. With him as our guide we have traversed alike the + Mississippi and the Sea of Galilee. At his bidding we have + laughed at a thousand absurdities. By a laborious process of + reasoning he has convinced us that the Egyptian mummies are + actually dead. He has held us spellbound upon the plain at the + foot of the great Sphinx, and we have joined him in weeping + bitter tears at the tomb of Adam. To-night we greet him in the + flesh. What name is there in literature that can be likened to + his? Perhaps some of the distinguished gentlemen about this + table can tell us, but I know of none. Himself his only + parallel!" + +MR. PRESIDENT, GENTLEMEN, AND MY FELLOW-MEMBERS OF THE LOTOS CLUB,--I +have seldom in my lifetime listened to compliments so felicitously +phrased or so well deserved. I return thanks for them from a full heart +and an appreciative spirit, and I will say this in self-defence: While I +am charged with having no reverence for anything, I wish to say that I +have reverence for the man who can utter such truths, and I also have a +deep reverence and a sincere one for a club that can do such justice to +me. To be the chief guest of such a club is something to be envied, and +if I read your countenances rightly I am envied. I am glad to see this +club in such palatial quarters. I remember it twenty years ago when it +was housed in a stable. + +Now when I was studying for the ministry there were two or three things +that struck my attention particularly. At the first banquet mentioned in +history that other prodigal son who came back from his travels was +invited to stand up and have his say. They were all there, his brethren, +David and Goliath, and--er, and if he had had such experience as I have +had he would have waited until those other people got through talking. +He got up and testified to all his failings. Now if he had waited before +telling all about his riotous living until the others had spoken he might +not have given himself away as he did, and I think that I would give +myself away if I should go on. I think I'd better wait until the others +hand in their testimony; then if it is necessary for me to make an +explanation, I will get up and explain, and if I cannot do that, I'll +deny it happened. + + Later in the evening Mr. Clemens made another speech, replying + to a fire of short speeches by Charles Dudley Warner, Charles + A. Dana, Seth Low, General Porter, and many others, each + welcoming the guest of honor. + +I don't see that I have a great deal to explain. I got off very well, +considering the opportunities that these other fellows had. I don't see +that Mr. Low said anything against me, and neither did Mr. Dana. +However, I will say that I never heard so many lies told in one evening +as were told by Mr. McKelway--and I consider myself very capable; but +even in his case, when he got through, I was gratified by finding how +much he hadn't found out. By accident he missed the very things that I +didn't want to have said, and now, gentlemen, about Americanism. + +I have been on the continent of Europe for two and a half years. I have +met many Americans there, some sojourning for a short time only, others +making protracted stays, and it has been very gratifying to me to find +that nearly all preserved their Americanism. I have found they all like +to see the Flag fly, and that their hearts rise when they see the Stars +and Stripes. I met only one lady who had forgotten the land of her birth +and glorified monarchical institutions. + +I think it is a great thing to say that in two and a half years I met +only one person who had fallen a victim to the shams--I think we may call +them shams--of nobilities and of heredities. She was entirely lost in +them. After I had listened to her for a long time, I said to her: "At +least you must admit that we have one merit. We are not like the +Chinese, who refuse to allow their citizens who are tired of the country +to leave it. Thank God, we don't!" + + + + + + +COPYRIGHT + + With Mr. Howells, Edward Everett Hale, Thomas Nelson Page, and + a number of other authors, Mr. Clemens appeared before the + committee December 6, 1906. The new Copyright Bill + contemplated an author's copyright for the term of his life and + for fifty years thereafter, applying also for the benefit of + artists, musicians, and others, but the authors did most of the + talking. F. D. Millet made a speech for the artists, and John + Philip Sousa for the musicians. + + Mr. Clemens was the last speaker of the day, and its chief + feature. He made a speech, the serious parts of which created + a strong impression, and the humorous parts set the Senators + and Representatives in roars of laughter. + +I have read this bill. At least I have read such portions as I could +understand. Nobody but a practised legislator can read the bill and +thoroughly understand it, and I am not a practised legislator. + +I am interested particularly and especially in the part of the bill which +concerns my trade. I like that extension of copyright life to the +author's life and fifty years afterward. I think that would satisfy any +reasonable author, because it would take care of his children. Let the +grandchildren take care of themselves. That would take care of my +daughters, and after that I am not particular. I shall then have long +been out of this struggle, independent of it, indifferent to it. + +It isn't objectionable to me that all the trades and professions in the +United States are protected by the bill. I like that. They are all +important and worthy, and if we can take care of them under the Copyright +law I should like to see it done. I should like to see oyster culture +added, and anything else. + +I am aware that copyright must have a limit, because that is required by +the Constitution of the United States, which sets aside the earlier +Constitution, which we call the decalogue. The decalogue says you shall +not take away from any man his profit. I don't like to be obliged to use +the harsh term. What the decalogue really says is, "Thou shaft not +steal," but I am trying to use more polite language. + +The laws of England and America do take it away, do select but one class, +the people who create the literature of the land. They always talk +handsomely about the literature of the land, always what a fine, great, +monumental thing a great literature is, and in the midst of their +enthusiasm they turn around and do what they can to discourage it. + +I know we must have a limit, but forty-two years is too much of a limit. +I am quite unable to guess why there should be a limit at all to the +possession of the product of a man's labor. There is no limit to real +estate. + +Doctor Bale has suggested that a man might just as well, after +discovering a coal-mine and working it forty-two years, have the +Government step in and take it away. + +What is the excuse? It is that the author who produced that book has had +the profit of it long enough, and therefore the Government takes a profit +which does not belong to it and generously gives it to the 88,000,000 of +people. But it doesn't do anything of the kind. It merely takes the +author's property, takes his children's bread, and gives the publisher +double profit. He goes on publishing the book and as many of his +confederates as choose to go into the conspiracy do so, and they rear +families in affluence. + +And they continue the enjoyment of those ill-gotten gains generation +after generation forever, for they never die. In a few weeks or months +or years I shall be out of it, I hope under a monument. I hope I shall +not be entirely forgotten, and I shall subscribe to the monument myself. +But I shall not be caring what happens if there are fifty years left of +my copyright. My copyright produces annually a good deal more than I can +use, but my children can use it. I can get along; I know a lot of +trades. But that goes to my daughters, who can't get along as well as I +can because I have carefully raised them as young ladies, who don't know +anything and can't do anything. I hope Congress will extend to them the +charity which they have failed to get from me. + +Why, if a man who is not even mad, but only strenuous--strenuous about +race-suicide--should come to me and try to get me to use my large +political and ecclesiastical influence to get a bill passed by this +Congress limiting families to twenty-two children by one mother, I should +try to calm him down. I should reason with him. I should say to him, +"Leave it alone. Leave it alone and it will take care of itself. Only +one couple a year in the United States can reach that limit. If they +have reached that limit let them go right on. Let them have all the +liberty they want. In restricting that family to twenty-two children you +are merely conferring discomfort and unhappiness on one family per year +in a nation of 88,000,000, which is not worth while." + +It is the very same with copyright. One author per year produces a book +which can outlive the forty-two-year limit; that's all. This nation +can't produce two authors a year that can do it; the thing is +demonstrably impossible. All that the limited copyright can do is to +take the bread out of the mouths of the children of that one author per +year. + +I made an estimate some years ago, when I appeared before a committee of +the House of Lords, that we had published in this country since the +Declaration of Independence 220,000 books. They have all gone. They had +all perished before they were ten years old. It is only one book in 1000 +that can outlive the forty-two year limit. Therefore why put a limit at +all? You might as well limit the family to twenty-two children. + +If you recall the Americans in the nineteenth century who wrote books +that lived forty-two years you will have to begin with Cooper; you can +follow with Washington Irving, Harriet Beecher Stowe, Edgar Allan Poe, +and there you have to wait a long time. You come to Emerson, and you +have to stand still and look further. You find Howells and T. B. +Aldrich, and then your numbers begin to run pretty thin, and you question +if you can name twenty persons in the United States who--in a whole +century have written books that would live forty-two years. Why, you +could take them all and put them on one bench there [pointing]. Add the +wives and children and you could put the result on, two or three more +benches. + +One hundred persons--that is the little, insignificant crowd whose bread- +and-butter is to be taken away for what purpose, for what profit to +anybody? You turn these few books into the hands of the pirate and of +the legitimate publisher, too, and they get the profit that should have +gone to the wife and children. + +When I appeared before that committee of the House of Lords the chairman +asked me what limit I would propose. I said, "Perpetuity." I could see +some resentment in his manner, and he said the idea was illogical, for +the reason that it has long ago been decided that there can be no such +thing as property in ideas. I said there was property in ideas before +Queen Anne's time; they had perpetual copyright. He said, "What is a +book? A book is just built from base to roof on ideas, and there can be +no property in it." + +I said I wished he could mention any kind of property on this planet that +had a pecuniary value which was not derived from an idea or ideas. + +He said real estate. I put a supposititious case, a dozen Englishmen who +travel through South Africa and camp out, and eleven of them see +nothing at all; they are mentally blind. But there is one in the party +who knows what this harbor means and what the lay of the land means. To +him it means that some day a railway will go through here, and there on +that harbor a great city will spring up. That is his idea. And he has +another idea, which is to go and trade his last bottle of Scotch whiskey +and his last horse-blanket to the principal chief of that region and +buy a piece of land the size of Pennsylvania. + +That was the value of an idea that the day would come when the Cape to +Cairo Railway would be built. + +Every improvement that is put upon the real estate is the result of an +idea in somebody's head. The skyscraper is another idea; the railroad is +another; the telephone and all those things are merely symbols which +represent ideas. An andiron, a wash-tub, is the result of an idea that +did not exist before. + +So if, as that gentleman said, a book does consist solely of ideas, that +is the best argument in the world that it is property, and should not be +under any limitation at all. We don't ask for that. Fifty years from +now we shall ask for it. + +I hope the bill will pass without any deleterious amendments. I do seem +to be extraordinarily interested in a whole lot of arts and things that I +have got nothing to do with. It is a part of my generous, liberal +nature; I can't help it. I feel the same sort of charity to everybody +that was manifested by a gentleman who arrived at home at two o'clock in +the morning from the club and was feeling so perfectly satisfied with +life, so happy, and so comfortable, and there was his house weaving, +weaving, weaving around. He watched his chance, and by and by when the +steps got in his neighborhood he made a jump and climbed up and got on +the portico. + +And the house went on weaving and weaving and weaving, but he watched the +door, and when it came around his way he plunged through it. He got to +the stairs, and when he went up on all fours the house was so unsteady +that he could hardly make his way, but at last he got to the top and +raised his foot and put it on the top step. But only the toe hitched on +the step, and he rolled down and fetched up on the bottom step, with his +arm around the newel-post, and he said: + +"God pity the poor sailors out at sea on a night like this." + + + + + + +IN AID OF THE BLIND + + ADDRESS AT A PUBLIC MEETING OF THE NEW YORK ASSOCIATION FOR + PROMOTING THE INTERESTS OF THE BLIND AT THE WALDORF ASTORIA, + MARCH 29, 1906 + +If you detect any awkwardness in my movements and infelicities in my +conduct I will offer the explanation that I never presided at a meeting +of any kind before in my life, and that I do find it out of my line. +I supposed I could do anything anybody else could, but I recognize that +experience helps, and I do feel the lack of that experience. I don't +feel as graceful and easy as I ought to be in order to impress an +audience. I shall not pretend that I know how to umpire a meeting like +this, and I shall just take the humble place of the Essex band. + +There was a great gathering in a small New England town, about twenty- +five years ago. I remember that circumstance because there was something +that happened at that time. It was a great occasion. They gathered in +the militia and orators and everybody from all the towns around. It was +an extraordinary occasion. + +The little local paper threw itself into ecstasies of admiration and +tried to do itself proud from beginning to end. It praised the orators, +the militia, and all the bands that came from everywhere, and all this in +honest country newspaper detail, but the writer ran out of adjectives +toward the end. Having exhausted his whole magazine of praise and +glorification, he found he still had one band left over. He had to say +something about it, and he said: "The Essex band done the best it could." + +I am an Essex band on this occasion, and I am going to get through as +well as inexperience and good intentions will enable me. I have got all +the documents here necessary to instruct you in the objects and +intentions of this meeting and also of the association which has called +the meeting. But they are too voluminous. I could not pack those +statistics into my head, and I had to give it up. I shall have to just +reduce all that mass of statistics to a few salient facts. There are too +many statistics and figures for me. I never could do anything with +figures, never had any talent for mathematics, never accomplished +anything in my efforts at that rugged study, and to-day the only +mathematics I know is multiplication, and the minute I get away up in +that, as soon as I reach nine times seven-- + +[Mr. Clemens lapsed into deep thought for a moment. He was trying to +figure out nine times seven, but it was a hopeless task, and he turned to +St. Clair McKelway, who sat near him. Mr. McKelway whispered the answer, +and the speaker resumed:] + +I've got it now. It's eighty-four. Well, I can get that far all right +with a little hesitation. After that I am uncertain, and I can't manage +a statistic. + +"This association for the--" + +[Mr. Clemens was in another dilemma. Again he was obliged to turn to Mr. +McKelway.] + +Oh yes, for promoting the interests of the blind. It's a long name. If +I could I would write it out for you and let you take it home and study +it, but I don't know how to spell it. And Mr. Carnegie is down in +Virginia somewhere. Well, anyway, the object of that association which +has been recently organized, five months ago, in fact, is in the hands of +very, very energetic, intelligent, and capable people, and they will push +it to success very surely, and all the more surely if you will give them +a little of your assistance out of your pockets. + +The intention, the purpose, is to search out all the blind and find work +for them to do so that they may earn, their own bread. Now it is dismal +enough to be blind--it is dreary, dreary life at best, but it can be +largely ameliorated by finding something for these poor blind people to +do with their hands. The time passes so heavily that it is never day or +night with them, it is always night, and when they have to sit with +folded hands and with nothing to do to amuse or entertain or employ their +minds, it is drearier and drearier. + +And then the knowledge they have that they must subsist on charity, and +so often reluctant charity, it would renew their lives if they could have +something to do with their hands and pass their time and at the same time +earn their bread, and know the sweetness of the bread which is the result +of the labor of one's own hands. They need that cheer and pleasure. It +is the only way you can turn their night into day, to give them happy +hearts, the only thing you can put in the place of the blessed sun. That +you can do in the way I speak of. + +Blind people generally who have seen the light know what it is to miss +the light. Those who have gone blind since they were twenty years old-- +their lives are unendingly dreary. But they can be taught to use their +hands and to employ themselves at a great many industries. That +association from which this draws its birth in Cambridge, Massachusetts, +has taught its blind to make many things. They make them better than +most people, and more honest than people who have the use of their eyes. +The goods they make are readily salable. People like them. And so they +are supporting themselves, and it is a matter of cheer, cheer. They pass +their time now not too irksomely as they formerly did. + +What this association needs and wants is $15,000. The figures are set +down, and what the money is for, and there is no graft in it or I would +not be here. And they hope to beguile that out of your pockets, and you +will find affixed to the programme an opportunity, that little blank +which you will fill out and promise so much money now or to-morrow or +some time. Then, there is another opportunity which is still better, and +that is that you shall subscribe an annual sum. + +I have invented a good many useful things in my time, but never anything +better than that of getting money out of people who don't want to part +with it. It is always for good objects, of course. This is the plan: +When you call upon a person to contribute to a great and good object, and +you think he should furnish about $1,000, he disappoints you as like as +not. Much the best way to work him to supply that thousand dollars is to +split it into parts and contribute, say a hundred dollars a year, or +fifty, or whatever the sum maybe. Let him contribute ten or twenty a +year. He doesn't feel that, but he does feel it when you call upon him +to contribute a large amount. When you get used to it you would rather +contribute than borrow money. + +I tried it in Helen Keller's case. Mr. Hutton wrote me in 1896 or 1897 +when I was in London and said: "The gentleman who has been so liberal in +taking care of Helen Keller has died without making provision for her in +his will, and now they don't know what to do." They were proposing to +raise a fund, and he thought $50,000 enough to furnish an income of $2400 +or $2500 a year for the support of that wonderful girl and her wonderful +teacher, Miss Sullivan, now Mrs. Macy. I wrote to Mr. Hutton and said: +"Go on, get up your fund. It will be slow, but if you want quick work, +I propose this system," the system I speak of, of asking people to +contribute such and such a sum from year to year and drop out whenever +they please, and he would find there wouldn't be any difficulty, people +wouldn't feel the burden of it. And he wrote back saying he had raised +the $2400 a year indefinitely by that system in, a single afternoon. We +would like to do something just like that to-night. We will take as many +checks as you care to give. You can leave your donations in the big room +outside. + +I knew once what it was to be blind. I shall never forget that +experience. I have been as blind as anybody ever was for three or four +hours, and the sufferings that I endured and the mishaps and the +accidents that are burning in my memory make my sympathy rise when I feel +for the blind and always shall feel. I once went to Heidelberg on an +excursion. I took a clergyman along with me, the Rev. Joseph Twichell, +of Hartford, who is still among the living despite that fact. I always +travel with clergymen when I can. It is better for them, it is better +for me. And any preacher who goes out with me in stormy weather and +without a lightning rod is a good one. The Reverend Twichell is one of +those people filled with patience and endurance, two good ingredients for +a man travelling with me, so we got along very well together. In that +old town they have not altered a house nor built one in 1500 years. We +went to the inn and they placed Twichell and me in a most colossal +bedroom, the largest I ever saw or heard of. It was as big as this room. + +I didn't take much notice of the place. I didn't really get my bearings. +I noticed Twichell got a German bed about two feet wide, the kind in +which you've got to lie on your edge, because there isn't room to lie on +your back, and he was way down south in that big room, and I was way up +north at the other end of it, with a regular Sahara in between. + +We went to bed. Twichell went to sleep, but then he had his conscience +loaded and it was easy for him to get to sleep. I couldn't get to sleep. +It was one of those torturing kinds of lovely summer nights when you hear +various kinds of noises now and then. A mouse away off in the southwest. +You throw things at the mouse. That encourages the mouse. But I +couldn't stand it, and about two o'clock I got up and thought I would +give it up and go out in the square where there was one of those tinkling +fountains, and sit on its brink and dream, full of romance. + +I got out of bed, and I ought to have lit a candle, but I didn't think of +it until it was too late. It was the darkest place that ever was. There +has never been darkness any thicker than that. It just lay in cakes. + +I thought that before dressing I would accumulate my clothes. I pawed +around in the dark and found everything packed together on the floor +except one sock. I couldn't get on the track of that sock. It might +have occurred to me that maybe it was in the wash. But I didn't think of +that. I went excursioning on my hands and knees. Presently I thought, +"I am never going to find it; I'll go back to bed again." That is what I +tried to do during the next three hours. I had lost the bearings of that +bed. I was going in the wrong direction all the time. By-and-by I came +in collision with a chair and that encouraged me. + +It seemed to me, as far as I could recollect, there was only a chair here +and there and yonder, five or six of them scattered over this territory, +and I thought maybe after I found that chair I might find the next one. +Well, I did. And I found another and another and another. I kept going +around on my hands and knees, having those sudden collisions, and finally +when I banged into another chair I almost lost my temper. And I raised +up, garbed as I was, not for public exhibition, right in front of a +mirror fifteen or sixteen feet high. + +I hadn't noticed the mirror; didn't know it was there. And when I saw +myself in the mirror I was frightened out of my wits. I don't allow any +ghosts to bite me, and I took up a chair and smashed at it. A million +pieces. Then I reflected. That's the way I always do, and it's +unprofitable unless a man has had much experience that way and has clear +judgment. And I had judgment, and I would have had to pay for that +mirror if I hadn't recollected to say it was Twichell who broke it. + +Then I got down, on my hands and knees and went on another exploring +expedition. + +As far as I could remember there were six chairs in that Oklahoma, and +one table, a great big heavy table, not a good table to hit with your +head when rushing madly along. In the course of time I collided with +thirty-five chairs and tables enough to stock that dining-room out there. +It was a hospital for decayed furniture, and it was in a worse condition +when I got through with it. I went on and on, and at last got to a place +where I could feel my way up, and there was a shelf. I knew that wasn't +in the middle of the room. Up to that time I was afraid I had gotten out +of the city. + +I was very careful and pawed along that shelf, and there was a pitcher of +water about a foot high, and it was at the head of Twichell's bed, but I +didn't know it. I felt that pitcher going and I grabbed at it, but it +didn't help any and came right down in Twichell's face and nearly drowned +him. But it woke him up. I was grateful to have company on any terms. +He lit a match, and there I was, way down south when I ought to have been +back up yonder. My bed was out of sight it was so far away. You needed +a telescope to find it. Twichell comforted me and I scrubbed him off and +we got sociable. + +But that night wasn't wasted. I had my pedometer on my leg. Twichell +and I were in a pedometer match. Twichell had longer legs than I. The +only way I could keep up was to wear my pedometer to bed. I always walk +in my sleep, and on this occasion I gained sixteen miles on him. After +all, I never found that sock. I never have seen it from that day to +this. But that adventure taught me what it is to be blind. That was one +of the most serious occasions of my whole life, yet I never can speak of +it without somebody thinking it isn't serious. You try it and see how +serious it is to be as the blind are and I was that night. + +[Mr. Clemens read several letters of regret. He then introduced Joseph +H. Choate, saying:] + +It is now my privilege to present to you Mr. Choate. I don't have to +really introduce him. I don't have to praise him, or to flatter him. +I could say truly that in the forty-seven years I have been familiarly +acquainted with him he has always been the handsomest man America has +ever produced. And I hope and believe he will hold the belt forty-five +years more. He has served his country ably, faithfully, and brilliantly. +He stands at the summit, at the very top in the esteem and regard of his +countrymen, and if I could say one word which would lift him any higher +in his countrymen's esteem and affection, I would say that word whether +it was true or not. + + + + + + +DR. MARK TWAIN, FARMEOPATH + + ADDRESS AT THE ANNUAL DINNER OF THE NEW YORK POST-GRADUATE + MEDICAL SCHOOL AND HOSPITAL, JANUARY 21, 1909 + + The president, Dr. George N. Miller, in introducing Mr. + Clemens, referred to his late experience with burglars. + +GENTLEMEN AND DOCTORS,--I am glad to be among my own kind to-night. +I was once a sharpshooter, but now I practise a much higher and equally +as deadly a profession. It wasn't so very long ago that I became a +member of your cult, and for the time I've been in the business my record +is one that can't be scoffed at. + +As to the burglars, I am perfectly familiar with these people. I have +always had a good deal to do with burglars--not officially, but through +their attentions to me. I never suffered anything at the hands of a +burglar. They have invaded my house time and time again. They never got +anything. Then those people who burglarized our house in September--we +got back the plated ware they took off, we jailed them, and I have been +sorry ever since. They did us a great service they scared off all the +servants in the place. + +I consider the Children's Theatre, of which I am president, and the Post- +Graduate Medical School as the two greatest institutions in the country. +This school, in bringing its twenty thousand physicians from all parts of +the country, bringing them up to date, and sending them back with renewed +confidence, has surely saved hundreds of thousands of lives which +otherwise would have been lost. + +I have been practising now for seven months. When I settled on my farm +in Connecticut in June I found the Community very thinly settled--and +since I have been engaged in practice it has become more thinly settled +still. This gratifies me, as indicating that I am making an impression +on my community. I suppose it is the same with all of you. + +I have always felt that I ought to do something for you, and so I +organized a Redding (Connecticut) branch of the Post-Graduate School. +I am only a country farmer up there, but I am doing the best I can. + +Of course, the practice of medicine and surgery in a remote country +district has its disadvantages, but in my case I am happy in a division +of responsibility. I practise in conjunction with a horse-doctor, a +sexton, and an undertaker. The combination is air-tight, and once a man +is stricken in our district escape is impossible for him. + +These four of us--three in the regular profession and the fourth an +undertaker--are all good men. There is Bill Ferguson, the Redding +undertaker. Bill is there in every respect. He is a little lukewarm on +general practice, and writes his name with a rubber stamp. Like my old +Southern, friend, he is one of the finest planters anywhere. + +Then there is Jim Ruggles, the horse-doctor. Ruggles is one of the best +men I have got. He also is not much on general medicine, but he is a +fine horse-doctor. Ferguson doesn't make any money off him. + +You see, the combination started this way. When I got up to Redding and +had become a doctor, I looked around to see what my chances were for +aiding in, the great work. The first thing I did was to determine what +manner of doctor I was to be. Being a Connecticut farmer, I naturally +consulted my farmacopia, and at once decided to become a farmeopath. + +Then I got circulating about, and got in touch with Ferguson ,and +Ruggles. Ferguson joined readily in my ideas, but Ruggles kept saying +that, while it was all right for an undertaker to get aboard, he couldn't +see where it helped horses. + +Well, we started to find out what was the trouble with the community, and +it didn't take long to find out that there was just one disease, and that +was race-suicide. And driving about the country-side I was told by my +fellow-farmers that it was the only rational human and valuable disease. +But it is cutting into our profits so that we'll either have to stop it +or we'll have to move. + +We've had some funny experiences up there in Redding. Not long ago a +fellow came along with a rolling gait and a distressed face. We asked +him what was the matter. We always hold consultations on every case, as +there isn't business enough for four. He said he didn't know, but that +he was a sailor, and perhaps that might help us to give a diagnosis. We +treated him for that, and I never saw a man die more peacefully. + +That same afternoon my dog Tige treed an African gentleman. We chained +up the dog, and then the gentleman came down and said he had +appendicitis. We asked him if he wanted to be cut open, and he said yes, +that he'd like to know if there was anything in it. So we cut him open +and found nothing in him but darkness. So we diagnosed his case as +infidelity, because he was dark inside. Tige is a very clever dog, and +aids us greatly. + +The other day a patient came to me and inquired if I was old Doctor +Clemens-- + +As a practitioner I have given a great deal of my attention to Bright's +disease. I have made some rules for treating it that may be valuable. +Listen: + +Rule 1. When approaching the bedside of one whom an all-wise President-- +I mean an all-wise Providence--well, anyway, it's the same thing--has +seen fit to afflict with disease--well, the rule is simple, even if it is +old-fashioned. + +Rule 2. I've forgotten just what it is, but-- + +Rule 3. This is always indispensable: Bleed your patient. + + + + + + +MISSOURI UNIVERSITY SPEECH + + ADDRESS DELIVERED JUNE 4, 1902, AT COLUMBIA, MO. + + When the name of Samuel L. Clemens was called the humorist + stepped forward, put his hand to his hair, and apparently + hesitated. There was a dead silence for a moment. Suddenly + the entire audience rose and stood in silence. Some one began + to spell out the word Missouri with an interval between the + letters. All joined in. Then the house again became silent. + Mr. Clemens broke the spell: + +As you are all standing [he drawled in his characteristic voice], I +guess, I suppose I had better stand too. + +[Then came a laugh and loud cries for a speech. As the great humorist +spoke of his recent visit to Hannibal, his old home, his voice trembled.] + +You cannot know what a strain it was on my emotions [he said]. In fact, +when I found myself shaking hands with persons I had not seen for fifty +years and looking into wrinkled faces that were so young and joyous when +I last saw them, I experienced emotions that I had never expected, and +did not know were in me. I was profoundly moved anal saddened to think +that this was the last time, perhaps, that I would ever behold those kind +old faces and dear old scenes of childhood. + +[The humorist then changed to a lighter mood, and for a time the audience +was in a continual roar of laughter. He was particularly amused at the +eulogy on himself read by Gardiner Lathrop in conferring the degree.] He +has a fine opportunity to distinguish himself [said Mr. Clemens] by +telling the truth about me. + +I have seen it stated in print that as a boy I had been guilty of +stealing peaches, apples, and watermelons. I read a story to this effect +very closely not long ago, and I was convinced of one thing, which was +that the man who wrote it was of the opinion that it was wrong to steal, +and that I had not acted right in doing so. I wish now, however, to make +an honest statement, which is that I do not believe, in all my checkered +career, I stole a ton of peaches. + +One night I stole--I mean I removed--a watermelon from a wagon while the +owner was attending to another customer. I crawled off to a secluded +spot, where I found that it was green. It was the greenest melon in the +Mississippi Valley. Then I began to reflect. I began to be sorry. I +wondered what George Washington would have done had he been in my place. +I thought a long time, and then suddenly felt that strange feeling which +comes to a man with a good resolution, and I took up that watermelon and +took it back to its owner. I handed him the watermelon and told him to +reform. He took my lecture much to heart, and, when he gave me a good +one in place of the green melon, I forgave him. + +I told him that I would still be a customer of his, and that I cherished +no ill-feeling because of the incident--that would remain green in my +memory. + + + + + + +BUSINESS + + The alumni of Eastman College gave their annual banquet, + March 30, 1901, at the Y. M. C. A. Building. Mr. James G. + Cannon, of the Fourth National Bank, made the first speech of + the evening, after which Mr. Clemens was introduced by Mr. + Bailey as the personal friend of Tom Sawyer, who was one of the + types of successful business men. + +MR. CANNON has furnished me with texts enough to last as slow a speaker +as myself all the rest of the night. I took exception to the introducing +of Mr. Cannon as a great financier, as if he were the only great +financier present. I am a financier. But my methods are not the same as +Mr. Cannon's. + +I cannot say that I have turned out the great business man that I thought +I was when I began life. But I am comparatively young yet, and may +learn. I am rather inclined to believe that what troubled me was that I +got the big-head early in the game. I want to explain to you a few +points of difference between the principles of business as I see them and +those that Mr. Cannon believes in. + +He says that the primary rule of business success is loyalty to your +employer. That's all right--as a theory. What is the matter with +loyalty to yourself ? As nearly as I can understand Mr. Cannon's +methods, there is one great drawback to them. He wants you to work a +great deal. Diligence is a good thing, but taking things easy is much +more-restful. My idea is that the employer should be the busy man, and +the employee the idle one. The employer should be the worried man, and +the employee the happy one. And why not? He gets the salary. My plan +is to get another man to do the work for me. In that there's more +repose. What I want is repose first, last, and all the time. + +Mr. Cannon says that there are three cardinal rules of business success; +they are diligence, honesty, and truthfulness. Well, diligence is all +right. Let it go as a theory. Honesty is the best policy--when there is +money in it. But truthfulness is one of the most dangerous--why, this +man is misleading you. + +I had an experience to-day with my wife which illustrates this. I was +acknowledging a belated invitation to another dinner for this evening, +which seemed to have been sent about ten days ago. It only reached me +this morning. I was mortified at the discourtesy into which I had been +brought by this delay, and wondered what was being thought of me by my +hosts. As I had accepted your invitation, of course I had to send +regrets to my other friends. + +When I started to write this note my wife came up and stood looking over +my shoulder. Women always want to know what is going on. Said she +"Should not that read in the third person?" I conceded that it should, +put aside what I was writing, and commenced over again. That seemed to +satisfy her, and so she sat down and let me proceed. I then--finished my +first note--and so sent what I intended. I never could have done this if +I had let my wife know the truth about it. Here is what I wrote: + + TO THE OHIO SOCIETY,--I have at this moment received a most kind + invitation (eleven days old) from Mr. Southard, president; and a + like one (ten days old) from Mr. Bryant, president of the Press + Club. I thank the society cordially for the compliment of these + invitations, although I am booked elsewhere and cannot come. + + But, oh, I should like to know the name of the Lightning Express by + which they were forwarded; for I owe a friend a dozen chickens, and + I believe it will be cheaper to send eggs instead, and let them + develop on the road. + Sincerely yours, + Mark TWAIN. + + +I want to tell you of some of my experiences in business, and then I will +be in a position to lay down one general rule for the guidance of those +who want to succeed in business. My first effort was about twenty-five +years ago. I took hold of an invention--I don't know now what it was all +about, but some one came to me tend told me it was a good thing, and that +there was lots of money in it. He persuaded me to invest $15,000, and I +lived up to my beliefs by engaging a man to develop it. To make a long +story short, I sunk $40,000 in it. + +Then I took up the publication of a book. I called in a publisher and +said to him: "I want you to publish this book along lines which I shall +lay down. I am the employer, and you are the employee. I am going to +show them some new kinks in the publishing business. And I want you to +draw on me for money as you go along," which he did. He drew on me for +$56,000. Then I asked him to take the book and call it off. But he +refused to do that. + +My next venture was with a machine for doing something or other. I knew +less about that than I did about the invention. But I sunk $170,000 in +the business, and I can't for the life of me recollect what it was the +machine was to do. + +I was still undismayed. You see, one of the strong points about my +business life was that I never gave up. I undertook to publish General +Grant's book, and made $140,000 in six months. My axiom is, to succeed +in business: avoid my example. + + + + + + +CARNEGIE THE BENEFACTOR + + At the dinner given in honor of Andrew Carnegie by the Lotos + Club, March 17, 1909, Mr. Clemens appeared in a white suit from + head to feet. He wore a white double-breasted coat, white + trousers, and white shoes. The only relief was a big black + cigar, which he confidentially informed the company was not + from his usual stack bought at $3 per barrel. + +The State of Missouri has for its coat of arms a barrel-head with two +Missourians, one on each side of it, and mark the motto--"United We +Stand, Divided We Fall." Mr. Carnegie, this evening, has suffered from +compliments. It is interesting to hear what people will say about a man. +Why, at the banquet given by this club in my honor, Mr. Carnegie had the +inspiration for which the club is now honoring him. If Dunfermline +contributed so much to the United States in contributing Mr. Carnegie, +what would have happened if all Scotland had turned out? These +Dunfermline folk have acquired advantages in coming to America. + +Doctor McKelway paid the top compliment, the cumulation, when he said of +Mr. Carnegie: + +"There is a man who wants to pay more taxes than he is charged." Richard +Watson Gilder did very well for a poet. He advertised his magazine. He +spoke of hiring Mr. Carnegie--the next thing he will be trying to hire +me. + +If I undertook--to pay compliments I would do it stronger than any others +have done it, for what Mr. Carnegie wants are strong compliments. Now, +the other side of seventy, I have preserved, as my chiefest virtue, +modesty. + + + + + + +ON POETRY, VERACITY, AND SUICIDE + + ADDRESS AT A DINNER OF THE MANHATTAN DICKENS FELLOWSHIP, + NEW YORK CITY, FEBRUARY 7, 1906 + + This dinner was in commemoration of the ninety-fourth + anniversary of the birth of Charles Dickens. On an other + occasion Mr. Clemens told the same story with variations and a + different conclusion to the University Settlement Society. + +I always had taken an interest in young people who wanted to become +poets. I remember I was particularly interested in one budding poet when +I was a reporter. His name was Butter. + +One day he came to me and said, disconsolately, that he was going to +commit suicide--he was tired of life, not being able to express his +thoughts in poetic form. Butter asked me what I thought of the idea. + +I said I would; that it was a good idea. "You can do me a friendly turn. +You go off in a private place and do it there, and I'll get it all. You +do it, and I'll do as much for you some time." + +At first he determined to drown himself. Drowning is so nice and clean, +and writes up so well in a newspaper. + +But things ne'er do go smoothly in weddings, suicides, or courtships. +Only there at the edge of the water, where Butter was to end himself, +lay a life-preserver--a big round canvas one, which would float after the +scrap-iron was soaked out of it. + +Butter wouldn't kill himself with the life-preserver in sight, and so I +had an idea. I took it to a pawnshop, and [soaked] it for a revolver: +The pawnbroker didn't think much of the exchange, but when I explained +the situation he acquiesced. We went up on top of a high building, and +this is what happened to the poet: + +He put the revolver to his forehead and blew a tunnel straight through +his head. The tunnel was about the size of your finger. You could look +right through it. The job was complete; there was nothing in it. + +Well, after that that man never could write prose, but he could write +poetry. He could write it after he had blown his brains out. There is +lots of that talent all over the country, but the trouble is they don't +develop it. + +I am suffering now from the fact that I, who have told the truth a good +many times in my life, have lately received more letters than anybody +else urging me to lead a righteous life. I have more friends who want to +see me develop on a high level than anybody else. + +Young John D. Rockefeller, two weeks ago, taught his Bible class all +about veracity, and why it was better that everybody should always keep a +plentiful supply on hand. Some of the letters I have received suggest +that I ought to attend his class and learn, too. Why, I know Mr. +Rockefeller, and he is a good fellow. He is competent in many ways to +teach a Bible class, but when it comes to veracity he is only thirty-five +years old. I'm seventy years old. I have been familiar with veracity +twice as long as he. + +And the story about George Washington and his little hatchet has also +been suggested to me in these letters--in a fugitive way, as if I needed +some of George Washington and his hatchet in my constitution. Why, dear +me, they overlook the real point in that story. The point is not the one +that is usually suggested, and you can readily see that. + +The point is not that George said to his father, "Yes, father, I cut down +the cheery-tree; I can't tell a lie," but that the little boy--only seven +years old--should have his sagacity developed under such circumstances. +He was a boy wise beyond his years. His conduct then was a prophecy of +later years. Yes, I think he was the most remarkable man the country +ever produced-up to my time, anyway. + +Now then, little George realized that circumstantial evidence was against +him. He knew that his father would know from the size of the chips that +no full-grown hatchet cut that tree down, and that no man would have +haggled it so. He knew that his father would send around the plantation +and inquire for a small boy with a hatchet, and he had the wisdom to come +out and confess it. Now, the idea that his father was overjoyed when he +told little George that he would rather have him cut down, a thousand +cheery-trees than tell a lie is all nonsense. What did he really mean? +Why, that he was absolutely astonished that he had a son who had the +chance to tell a lie and didn't. + +I admire old George--if that was his name--for his discernment. He knew +when he said that his son couldn't tell a lie that he was stretching it a +good deal. He wouldn't have to go to John D. Rockefeller's Bible class +to find that out. The way the old George Washington story goes down it +doesn't do anybody any good. It only discourages people who can tell a +lie. + + + + + + +WELCOME HOME + + ADDRESS AT THE DINNER IN HIS HONOR AT THE LOTOS CLUB, + NOVEMBER 10, 1900 + +In August, 1895, just before sailing for Australia, Mr. Clemens issued +the following statement: + +"It has been reported that I sacrificed, for the benefit of the +creditors, the property of the publishing firm whose financial backer I +was, and that I am now lecturing for my own benefit. + +"This is an error. I intend the lectures, as well as the property, for +the creditors. The law recognizes no mortgage on a man's brains, and a +merchant who has given up all he has may take advantage of the laws of +insolvency and may start free again for himself. But I am not a business +man, and honor is a harder master than the law. It cannot compromise for +less than one hundred cents on a dollar, and its debts are never +outlawed. + +"I had a two-thirds interest in the publishing firm whose capital I +furnished. If the firm had prospered I would have expected to collect +two-thirds of the profits. As it is, I expect to pay all the debts. My +partner has no resources, and I do not look for assistance to my wife, +whose contributions in cash from her own means have nearly equalled the +claims of all the creditors combined. She has taken nothing; on the +contrary, she has helped and intends to help me to satisfy the +obligations due to the rest of the creditors. + +"It is my intention to ask my creditors to accept that as a legal +discharge, and trust to my honor to pay the other fifty per cent. as fast +as I can earn it. From my reception thus far on my lecturing tour, I am +confident that if I live I can pay off the last debt within four years. + +"After which, at the age of sixty-four, I can make a fresh and +unincumbered start in life. I am going to Australia, India, and South +Africa, and next year I hope to make a tour of the great cities of the +United States." + +I thank you all out of my heart for this fraternal welcome, and it seems +almost too fine, almost too magnificent, for a humble Missourian such as +I am, far from his native haunts on the banks of the Mississippi; yet my +modesty is in a degree fortified by observing that I am not the only +Missourian who has been honored here to-night, for I see at this very +table-here is a Missourian [indicating Mr. McKelway], and there is a +Missourian [indicating Mr. Depew], and there is another Missourian--and +Hendrix and Clemens; and last but not least, the greatest Missourian of +them all--here he sits--Tom Reed, who has always concealed his birth till +now. And since I have been away I know what has been happening in his +case: he has deserted politics, and now is leading a creditable life. He +has reformed, and God prosper him; and I judge, by a remark which he made +up-stairs awhile ago, that he had found a new business that is utterly +suited to his make and constitution, and all he is doing now is that he +is around raising the average of personal beauty. + +But I am grateful to the president for the kind words which he has said +of me, and it is not for me to say whether these praises were deserved or +not. I prefer to accept them just as they stand, without concerning +myself with the statistics upon which they have been built, but only with +that large matter, that essential matter, the good-fellowship, the +kindliness, the magnanimity, and generosity that prompted their +utterance. Well, many things have happened since I sat here before, and +now that I think of it, the president's reference to the debts which were +left by the bankrupt firm of Charles L. Webster & Co. gives me an +opportunity to say a word which I very much wish to say, not for myself, +but for ninety-five men and women whom I shall always hold in high esteem +and in pleasant remembrance--the creditors of that firm. They treated me +well; they treated me handsomely. There were ninety-six of them, and by +not a finger's weight did ninety-five of them add to the burden of that +time for me. Ninety-five out of the ninety-six--they didn't indicate by +any word or sign that they were anxious about their money. They treated +me well, and I shall not forget it; I could not forget it if I wanted to. +Many of them said, "Don't you worry, don't you hurry"; that's what they +said. Why, if I could have that kind of creditors always, and that +experience, I would recognize it as a personal loss to be out of debt. +I owe those ninety-five creditors a debt of homage, and I pay it now in +such measure as one may pay so fine a debt in mere words. Yes, they said +that very thing. I was not personally acquainted with ten of them, and +yet they said, "Don't you worry, and don't you hurry." I know that +phrase by heart, and if all the other music should perish out of the +world it would still sing to me. I appreciate that; I am glad to say +this word; people say so much about me, and they forget those creditors. +They were handsomer than I was--or Tom Reed. + +Oh, you have been doing many things in this time that I have been absent; +you have done lots of things, some that are well worth remembering, too. +Now, we have fought a righteous war since I have gone, and that is rare +in history--a righteous war is so rare that it is almost unknown in +history; but by the grace of that war we set Cuba free, and we joined her +to those three or four nations that exist on this earth; and we started +out to set those poor Filipinos free, too, and why, why, why that most +righteous purpose of ours has apparently miscarried I suppose I never +shall know. + +But we have made a most creditable record in China in these days--our +sound and level-headed administration has made a most creditable record +over there, and there are some of the Powers that cannot say that by any +means. The Yellow Terror is threatening this world to-day. It is +looming vast and ominous on that distant horizon. I do not know what is +going to be the result of that Yellow Terror, but our government has had +no hand in evoking it, and let's be happy in that and proud of it. + +We have nursed free silver, we watched by its cradle; we have done the +best we could to raise that child, but those pestiferous Republicans have +--well, they keep giving it the measles every chance they get, and we +never shall raise that child. Well, that's no matter--there's plenty of +other things to do, and we must think of something else. Well, we have +tried a President four years, criticised him and found fault with him the +whole time, and turned around a day or two ago with votes enough to spare +to elect another. O consistency! consistency! thy name--I don't know +what thy name is--Thompson will do--any name will do--but you see there +is the fact, there is the consistency. Then we have tried for governor +an illustrious Rough Rider, and we liked him so much in that great office +that now we have made him Vice-President--not in order that that office +shall give him distinction, but that he may confer distinction upon that +office. And it's needed, too--it's needed. And now, for a while anyway, +we shall not be stammering and embarrassed when a stranger asks us, "What +is the name of the Vice-President?" This one is known; this one is +pretty well known, pretty widely known, and in some quarters favorably. +I am not accustomed to dealing in these fulsome compliments, and I am +probably overdoing it a little; but--well, my old affectionate admiration +for Governor Roosevelt has probably betrayed me into the complimentary +excess; but I know him, and you know him; and if you give him rope +enough--I mean if--oh yes, he will justify that compliment; leave it just +as it is. And now we have put in his place Mr. Odell, another Rough +Rider, I suppose; all the fat things go to that profession now. Why, I +could have been a Rough Rider myself if I had known that this political +Klondike was going to open up, and I would have been a Rough Rider if I +could have gone to war on an automobile but not on a horse! No, I know +the horse too well; I have known the horse in war and in peace, and there +is no place where a horse is comfortable. The horse has too many +caprices, and he is too much given to initiative. He invents too many +new ideas. No, I don't want anything to do with a horse. + +And then we have taken Chauncey Depew out of a useful and active life and +made him a Senator--embalmed him, corked him up. And I am not grieving. +That man has said many a true thing about me in his time, and I always +said something would happen to him. Look at that [pointing to Mr. Depew] +gilded mummy! He has made my life a sorrow to me at many a banquet on +both sides of the ocean, and now he has got it. Perish the hand that +pulls that cork! + +All these things have happened, all these things have come to pass, while +I have been away, and it just shows how little a Mugwump can be missed in +a cold, unfeeling world, even when he is the last one that is left-- +a GRAND OLD PARTY all by himself. And there is another thing that has +happened, perhaps the most imposing event of them all: the institution +called the Daughters of the--Crown--the Daughters of the Royal Crown--has +established itself and gone into business. Now, there's an American idea +for you; there's an idea born of God knows what kind of specialized +insanity, but not softening of the brain--you cannot soften a thing that +doesn't exist--the Daughters of the Royal Crown! Nobody eligible but +American descendants of Charles II. Dear me, how the fancy product of +that old harem still holds out! + +Well, I am truly glad to foregather with you again, and partake of the +bread and salt of this hospitable house once more. Seven years ago, when +I was your guest here, when I was old and despondent, you gave me the +grip and the word that lift a man up and make him glad to be alive; and +now I come back from my exile young again, fresh and alive, and ready to +begin life once more, and your welcome puts the finishing touch upon my +restored youth and makes it real to me, and not a gracious dream that +must vanish with the morning. I thank you. + + + + + + +AN UNDELIVERED SPEECH + + The steamship St. Paul was to have been launched from Cramp's + shipyard in Philadelphia on March 25, 1895. After the + launching a luncheon was to nave been given, at which Mr. + Clemens was to make a speech. Just before the final word was + given a reporter asked Mr. Clemens for a copy of his speech to + be delivered at the luncheon. To facilitate the work of the + reporter he loaned him a typewritten copy of the speech. It + happened, however, that when the blocks were knocked away the + big ship refused to budge, and no amount of labor could move + her an inch. She had stuck fast upon the ways. As a result, + the launching was postponed for a week or two; but in the mean + time Mr. Clemens had gone to Europe. Years after a reporter + called on Mr. Clemens and submitted the manuscript of the + speech, which was as follows: + +Day after to-morrow I sail for England in a ship of this line, the Paris. +It will be my fourteenth crossing in three years and a half. Therefore, +my presence here, as you see, is quite natural, quite commercial. I am +interested in ships. They interest me more now than hotels do. When a +new ship is launched I feel a desire to go and see if she will be good +quarters for me to live in, particularly if she belongs to this line, for +it is by this line that I have done most of my ferrying. + +People wonder why I go so much. Well, I go partly for my health, partly +to familiarize myself with the road. I have gone over the same road so +many times now that I know all the whales that belong along the route, +and latterly it is an embarrassment to me to meet them, for they do not +look glad to see me, but annoyed, and they seem to say: "Here is this old +derelict again." + +Earlier in life this would have pained me and made me ashamed, but I am +older now, and when I am behaving myself, and doing right, I do not care +for a whale's opinion about me. When we are young we generally estimate +an opinion by the size of the person that holds it, but later we find +that that is an uncertain rule, for we realize that there are times when +a hornet's opinion disturbs us more than an emperor's. + +I do not mean that I care nothing at all for a whale's opinion, for that +would be going to too great a length. Of course, it is better to have +the good opinion of a whale than his disapproval; but my position is that +if you cannot have a whale's good opinion, except at some sacrifice of +principle or personal dignity, it is better to try to live without it. +That is my idea about whales. + +Yes, I have gone over that same route so often that I know my way without +a compass, just by the waves. I know all the large waves and a good many +of the small ones. Also the sunsets. I know every sunset and where it +belongs just by its color. Necessarily, then, I do not make the passage +now for scenery. That is all gone by. + +What I prize most is safety, and in, the second place swift transit and +handiness. These are best furnished, by the American line, whose +watertight compartments have no passage through them; no doors to be left +open, and consequently no way for water to get from one of them to +another in time of collision. If you nullify the peril which collisions +threaten you with, you nullify the only very serious peril which attends +voyages in the great liners of our day, and makes voyaging safer than +staying at home. + +When the Paris was half-torn to pieces some years ago, enough of the +Atlantic ebbed and flowed through one end of her, during her long agony, +to sink the fleets of the world if distributed among them; but she +floated in perfect safety, and no life was lost. In time of collision +the rock of Gibraltar is not safer than the Paris and other great ships +of this line. This seems to be the only great line in the world that +takes a passenger from metropolis to metropolis without the intervention +of tugs and barges or bridges--takes him through without breaking bulk, +so to speak. + +On the English side he lands at a dock; on the dock a special train is +waiting; in an hour and three-quarters he is in, London. Nothing could +be handier. If your journey were from a sand-pit on our side to a +lighthouse on the other, you could make it quicker by other lines, but +that is not the case. The journey is from the city of New York to the +city of London, and no line can do that journey quicker than this one, +nor anywhere near as conveniently and handily. And when the passenger +lands on our side he lands on the American side of the river, not in the +provinces. As a very learned man said on the last voyage (he is head +quartermaster of the New York land garboard streak of the middle watch) + +"When we land a passenger on the American side there's nothing betwix him +and his hotel but hell and the hackman." + +I am glad, with you and the nation, to welcome the new ship. She is +another pride, another consolation, for a great country whose mighty +fleets have all vanished, and which has almost forgotten, what it is to +fly its flag to sea. I am not sure as to which St. Paul she is named +for. Some think it is the one that is on the upper Mississippi, but the +head quartermaster told me it was the one that killed Goliath. But it is +not important. No matter which it is, let us give her hearty welcome and +godspeed. + + + + + + +SIXTY-SEVENTH BIRTHDAY + + AT THE METROPOLITAN CLUB, NEW YORK, NOVEMBER 28, 1902 + + Address at a dinner given in honor of Mr. Clemens by Colonel + Harvey, President of Harper & Brothers. + +I think I ought to be allowed to talk as long as I want to, for the +reason that I have cancelled all my winter's engagements of every kind, +for good and sufficient reasons, and am making no new engagements for +this winter, and, therefore, this is the only chance I shall have to +disembowel my skull for a year--close the mouth in that portrait for a +year. I want to offer thanks and homage to the chairman for this +innovation which he has introduced here, which is an improvement, as I +consider it, on the old-fashioned style of conducting occasions like +this. That was bad that was a bad, bad, bad arrangement. Under that old +custom the chairman got up and made a speech, he introduced the prisoner +at the bar, and covered him all over with compliments, nothing but +compliments, not a thing but compliments, never a slur, and sat down and +left that man to get up and talk without a text. You cannot talk on +compliments; that is not a text. No modest person, and I was born one, +can talk on compliments. A man gets up and is filled to the eyes with +happy emotions, but his tongue is tied; he has nothing to say; he is in +the condition of Doctor Rice's friend who came home drunk and explained +it to his wife, and his wife said to him, "John, when you have drunk all +the whiskey you want, you ought to ask for sarsaparilla." He said, "Yes, +but when I have drunk all the whiskey I want I can't say sarsaparilla." +And so I think it is much better to leave a man unmolested until the +testimony and pleadings are all in. Otherwise he is dumb--he is at the +sarsaparilla stage. + +Before I get to the higgledy-piggledy point, as Mr. Howells suggested I +do, I want to thank you, gentlemen, for this very high honor you are +doing me, and I am quite competent to estimate it at its value. I see +around me captains of all the illustrious industries, most distinguished +men; there are more than fifty here, and I believe I know thirty-nine of +them well. I could probably borrow money from--from the others, anyway. +It is a proud thing to me, indeed, to see such a distinguished company +gather here on such an occasion as this, when there is no foreign prince +to be feted--when you have come here not to do honor to hereditary +privilege and ancient lineage, but to do reverence to mere moral +excellence and elemental veracity-and, dear me, how old it seems to make +me! I look around me and I see three or four persons I have known so +many, many years. I have known Mr. Secretary Hay--John Hay, as the +nation and the rest of his friends love to call him--I have known John +Hay and Tom Reed and the Reverend Twichell close upon thirty-six years. +Close upon thirty-six years I have known those venerable men. I have +known Mr. Howells nearly thirty-four years, and I knew Chauncey Depew +before he could walk straight, and before he learned to tell the truth. +Twenty-seven years ago, I heard him make the most noble and eloquent and +beautiful speech that has ever fallen from even his capable lips. Tom +Reed said that my principal defect was inaccuracy of statement. Well, +suppose that that is true. What's the use of telling the truth all the +time? I never tell the truth about Tom Reed--but that is his defect, +truth; he speaks the truth always. Tom Reed has a good heart, and he has +a good intellect, but he hasn't any judgment. Why, when Tom Reed was +invited to lecture to the Ladies' Society for the Procreation or +Procrastination, or something, of morals, I don't know what it was-- +advancement, I suppose, of pure morals--he had the immortal indiscretion +to begin by saying that some of us can't be optimists, but by judiciously +utilizing the opportunities that Providence puts in our way we can all be +bigamists. You perceive his limitations. Anything he has in his mind he +states, if he thinks it is true. Well, that was true, but that was no +place to say it--so they fired him out. + +A lot of accounts have been settled here tonight for me; I have held +grudges against some of these people, but they have all been wiped out by +the very handsome compliments that have been paid me. Even Wayne +MacVeagh--I have had a grudge against him many years. The first time I +saw Wayne MacVeagh was at a private dinner-party at Charles A. Dana's, +and when I got there he was clattering along, and I tried to get a word +in here and there; but you know what Wayne MacVeagh is when he is +started, and I could not get in five words to his one--or one word to his +five. I struggled along and struggled along, and--well, I wanted to tell +and I was trying to tell a dream I had had the night before, and it was a +remarkable dream, a dream worth people's while to listen to, a dream +recounting Sam Jones the revivalist's reception in heaven. I was on a +train, and was approaching the celestial way-station--I had a through +ticket--and I noticed a man sitting alongside of me asleep, and he had +his ticket in his hat. He was the remains of the Archbishop of +Canterbury; I recognized him by his photograph. I had nothing against +him, so I took his ticket and let him have mine. He didn't object--he +wasn't in a condition to object--and presently when the train stopped at +the heavenly station--well, I got off, and he went on by request--but +there they all were, the angels, you know, millions of them, every one +with a torch; they had arranged for a torch-light procession; they were +expecting the Archbishop, and when I got off they started to raise a +shout, but it didn't materialize. I don't know whether they were +disappointed. I suppose they had a lot of superstitious ideas about the +Archbishop and what he should look like, and I didn't fill the bill, and +I was trying to explain to Saint Peter, and was doing it in the German +tongue, because I didn't want to be too explicit. Well, I found it was +no use, I couldn't get along, for Wayne MacVeagh was occupying the whole +place, and I said to Mr. Dana, "What is the matter with that man? Who is +that man with the long tongue? What's the trouble with him, that long, +lank cadaver, old oil-derrick out of a job--who is that?" "Well, now," +Mr. Dana said, "you don't want to meddle with him; you had better keep +quiet; just keep quiet, because that's a bad man. Talk! He was born to +talk. Don't let him get out with you; he'll skin you." I said, "I have +been skinned, skinned, and skinned for years, there is nothing left." +He said, "Oh, you'll find there is; that man is the very seed and +inspiration of that proverb which says, 'No matter how close you skin an +onion, a clever man can always peel it again.'" Well, I reflected and +I quieted down. That would never occur to Tom Reed. He's got no +discretion. Well, MacVeagh is just the same man; he hasn't changed a bit +in all those years; he has been peeling Mr. Mitchell lately. That's the +kind of man he is. + +Mr. Howells--that poem of his is admirable; that's the way to treat a +person. Howells has a peculiar gift for seeing the merits of people, +and he has always exhibited them in my favor. Howells has never written +anything about me that I couldn't read six or seven times a day; he is +always just and always fair; he has written more appreciatively of me +than any one in this world, and published it in the North American +Review. He did me the justice to say that my intentions--he italicized +that--that my intentions were always good, that I wounded people's +conventions rather than their convictions. Now, I wouldn't want anything +handsomer than that said of me. I would rather wait, with anything harsh +I might have to say, till the convictions become conventions. Bangs has +traced me all the way down. He can't find that honest man, but I will +look for him in the looking-glass when I get home. It was intimated by +the Colonel that it is New England that makes New York and builds up this +country and makes it great, overlooking the fact that there's a lot of +people here who came from elsewhere, like John Hay from away out West, +and Howells from Ohio, and St. Clair McKelway and me from Missouri, and +we are doing what we can to build up New York a little-elevate it. Why, +when I was living in that village of Hannibal, Missouri, on the banks of +the Mississippi, and Hay up in the town of Warsaw, also on the banks of +the Mississippi River it is an emotional bit of the Mississippi, and when +it is low water you have to climb up to it on a ladder, and when it +floods you have to hunt for it; with a deep-sea lead--but it is a great +and beautiful country. In that old time it was a paradise for +simplicity--it was a simple, simple life, cheap but comfortable, and full +of sweetness, and there was nothing of this rage of modern civilization +there at all. It was a delectable land. I went out there last June, +and I met in that town of Hannibal a schoolmate of mine, John Briggs, +whom I had not seen for more than fifty years. I tell you, that was a +meeting! That pal whom I had known as a little boy long ago, and knew +now as a stately man three or four inches over six feet and browned by +exposure to many climes, he was back there to see that old place again. +We spent a whole afternoon going about here and there and yonder, and +hunting up the scenes and talking of the crimes which we had committed so +long ago. It was a heartbreaking delight, full of pathos, laughter, and +tears, all mixed together; and we called the roll of the boys and girls +that we picnicked and sweethearted with so many years ago, and there were +hardly half a dozen of them left; the rest were in their graves; and we +went up there on the summit of that hill, a treasured place in my memory, +the summit of Holiday's Hill, and looked out again over that magnificent +panorama of the Mississippi River, sweeping along league after league, a +level green paradise on one side, and retreating capes and promontories +as far as you could see on the other, fading away in the soft, rich +lights of the remote distance. I recognized then that I was seeing now +the most enchanting river view the planet could furnish. I never knew it +when I was a boy; it took an educated eye that had travelled over the +globe to know and appreciate it; and John said, "Can you point out the +place where Bear Creek used to be before the railroad came?" I said, +"Yes, it ran along yonder." "And can you point out the swimming-hole?" +"Yes, out there." And he said, "Can you point out the place where we +stole the skiff?" Well, I didn't know which one he meant. Such a +wilderness of events had intervened since that day, more than fifty years +ago, it took me more than five minutes to call back that little incident, +and then I did call it back; it was a white skiff, and we painted it red +to allay suspicion. And the saddest, saddest man came along--a stranger +he was--and he looked that red skiff over so pathetically, and he said: +"Well, if it weren't for the complexion I'd know whose skiff that was." +He said it in that pleading way, you know, that appeals for sympathy and +suggestion; we were full of sympathy for him, but we weren't in any +condition to offer suggestions. I can see him yet as he turned away with +that same sad look on his face and vanished out of history forever. +I wonder what became of that man. I know what became of the skiff. +Well, it was a beautiful life, a lovely life. There was no crime. +Merely little things like pillaging orchards and watermelon-patches and +breaking the Sabbath--we didn't break the Sabbath often enough to +signify--once a week perhaps. But we were good boys, good Presbyterian +boys, all Presbyterian boys, and loyal and all that; anyway, we were good +Presbyterian boys when the weather was doubtful; when it was fair, we did +wander a little from the fold. + +Look at John Hay and me. There we were in obscurity, and look where we +are now. Consider the ladder which he has climbed, the illustrious +vocations he has served--and vocations is the right word; he has in all +those vocations acquitted himself with high credit and honor to his +country and to the mother that bore him. Scholar, soldier, diplomat, +poet, historian--now, see where we are. He is Secretary of State and I +am a gentleman. It could not happen in any other country. Our +institutions give men the positions that of right belong to them through +merit; all you men have won your places, not by heredities, and not by +family influence or extraneous help, but only by the natural gifts God +gave you at your birth, made effective by your own energies; this is the +country to live in. + +Now, there is one invisible guest here. A part of me is present; the +larger part, the better part, is yonder at her home; that is my wife, +and she has a good many personal friends here, and I think it won't +distress any one of them to know that, although she is going to be +confined to that bed for many months to come from that nervous +prostration, there is not any danger and she is coming along very well-- +and I think it quite appropriate that I should speak of her. I knew her +for the first time just in the same year that I first knew John Hay and +Tom Reed and Mr. Twichell--thirty-six years ago--and she has been the +best friend I have ever had, and that is saying a good deal; she has +reared me--she and Twichell together--and what I am I owe to them. +Twichell why, it is such a pleasure to look upon Twichell's face! +For five-and-twenty years I was under the Rev. Mr. Twichell's tuition, +I was in his pastorate, occupying a pew in his church, and held him in +due reverence. That man is full of all the graces that go to make a +person companionable and beloved; and wherever Twichell goes to start a +church the people flock there to buy the land; they find real estate goes +up all around the spot, and the envious and the thoughtful always try to +get Twichell to move to their neighborhood and start a church; and +wherever you see him go you can go and buy land there with confidence, +feeling sure that there will be a double price for you before very long. +I am not saying this to flatter Mr. Twichell; it is the fact. Many and +many a time I have attended the annual sale in his church, and bought up +all the pews on a margin--and it would have been better for me +spiritually and financially if I had stayed under his wing. + +I have tried to do good in this world, and it is marvellous in how many +different ways I have done good, and it is comfortable to reflect--now, +there's Mr. Rogers--just out of the affection I bear that man many a time +I have given him points in finance that he had never thought of--and if +he could lay aside envy, prejudice, and superstition, and utilize those +ideas in his business, it would make a difference in his bank account. + +Well, I like the poetry. I like all the speeches and the poetry, too. +I liked Doctor Van Dyke's poem. I wish I could return thanks in proper +measure to you, gentlemen, who have spoken and violated your feelings to +pay me compliments; some were merited and some you overlooked, it is +true; and Colonel Harvey did slander every one of you, and put things +into my mouth that I never said, never thought of at all. + +And now, my wife and I, out of our single heart, return you our deepest +and most grateful thanks, and--yesterday was her birthday. + + + + + + +TO THE WHITEFRIARS + + ADDRESS AT THE DINNER GIVEN BY THE WHITEFRIARS CLUB IN HONOR OF + MR. CLEMENS, LONDON, JUNE 20, 1899 + + The Whitefriars Club was founded by Dr. Samuel Johnson, and Mr. + Clemens was made an honorary member in 1874. The members are + representative of literary and journalistic London. The toast + of "Our Guest" was proposed by Louis F. Austin, of the + Illustrated London News, and in the course of some humorous + remarks he referred to the vow and to the imaginary woes of the + "Friars," as the members of the club style themselves. + +MR. CHAIRMAN AND BRETHREN OF THE VOW--in whatever the vow is; for +although I have been a member of this club for five-and twenty years, +I don't know any more about what that vow is than Mr. Austin seems to. +But what ever the vow is, I don't care what it is. I have made a +thousand vows. + +There is no pleasure comparable to making a vow in the presence of one +who appreciates that vow, in the presence of men who honor and appreciate +you for making the vow, and men who admire you for making the vow. + +There is only one pleasure higher than that, and that is to get outside +and break the vow. A vow is always a pledge of some kind or other for +the protection of your own morals and principles or somebody else's, +and generally, by the irony of fate, it is for the protection of your own +morals. + +Hence we have pledges that make us eschew tobacco or wine, and while you +are taking the pledge there is a holy influence about that makes you feel +you are reformed, and that you can never be so happy again in this world +until--you get outside and take a drink. + +I had forgotten that I was a member of this club--it is so long ago. +But now I remember that I was here five-and-twenty years ago, and that I +was then at a dinner of the Whitefriars Club, and it was in those old +days when you had just made two great finds. All London was talking +about nothing else than that they had found Livingstone, and that the +lost Sir Roger Tichborne had been found--and they were trying him for it. + +And at the dinner, Chairman (I do not know who he was)--failed to come to +time. The gentleman who had been appointed to pay me the customary +compliments and to introduce me forgot the compliments, and did not know +what they were. + +And George Augustus Sala came in at the last moment, just when I was +about to go without compliments altogether. And that man was a gifted +man. They just called on him instantaneously, while he was going to sit +down, to introduce the stranger, and Sala, made one of those marvellous +speeches which he was capable of making. I think no man talked so fast +as Sala did. One did not need wine while he was making a speech. The +rapidity of his utterance made a man drunk in a minute. An incomparable +speech was that, an impromptu speech, and--an impromptu speech is a +seldom thing, and he did it so well. + +He went into the whole history of the United States, and made it entirely +new to me. He filled it with episodes and incidents that Washington +never heard of, and he did it so convincingly that although I knew none +of it had happened, from that day to this I do not know any history but +Sala's. + +I do not know anything so sad as a dinner where you are going to get up +and say something by-and-by, and you do not know what it is. You sit and +wonder and wonder what the gentleman is going to say who is going to +introduce you. You know that if he says something severe, that if he +will deride you, or traduce you, or do anything of that kind, he will +furnish you with a text, because anybody can get up and talk against +that. + +Anybody can get up and straighten out his character. But when a +gentleman gets up and merely tells the truth about you, what can you do? + +Mr. Austin has done well. He has supplied so many texts that I will have +to drop out a lot of them, and that is about as difficult as when you do +not have any text at all. Now, he made a beautiful and smooth speech +without any difficulty at all, and I could have done that if I had gone +on with the schooling with which I began. I see here a gentleman on my +left who was my master in the art of oratory more than twenty-five years +ago. + +When I look upon the inspiring face of Mr. Depew, it carries me a long +way back. An old and valued friend of mine is he, and I saw his career +as it came along, and it has reached pretty well up to now, when he, by +another miscarriage of justice, is a United States Senator. But those +were delightful days when I was taking lessons in oratory. + +My other master the Ambassador-is not here yet. Under those two +gentlemen I learned to make after-dinner speeches, and it was charming. + +You know the New England dinner is the great occasion on the other side +of the water. It is held every year to celebrate the landing of the +Pilgrims. Those Pilgrims were a lot of people who were not needed in +England, and you know they had great rivalry, and they were persuaded to +go elsewhere, and they chartered a ship called Mayflower and set sail, +and I have heard it said that they pumped the Atlantic Ocean through that +ship sixteen times. + +They fell in over there with the Dutch from Rotterdam, Amsterdam, and a +lot of other places with profane names, and it is from that gang that Mr. +Depew is descended. + +On the other hand, Mr. Choate is descended from those Puritans who landed +on a bitter night in December. Every year those people used to meet at a +great banquet in New York, and those masters of mind in oratory had to +make speeches. It was Doctor Depew's business to get up there and +apologise for the Dutch, and Mr. Choate had to get up later and explain +the crimes of the Puritans, and grand, beautiful times we used to have. + +It is curious that after that long lapse of time I meet the Whitefriars +again, some looking as young and fresh as in the old days, others showing +a certain amount of wear and tear, and here, after all this time, I find +one of the masters of oratory and the others named in the list. + +And here we three meet again as exiles on one pretext or another, and you +will notice that while we are absent there is a pleasing tranquillity in +America--a building up of public confidence. We are doing the best we +can for our country. I think we have spent our lives in serving our +country, and we never serve it to greater advantage than when we get out +of it. + +But impromptu speaking--that is what I was trying to learn. That is a +difficult thing. I used to do it in this way. I used to begin about a +week ahead, and write out my impromptu, speech and get it by heart. Then +I brought it to the New England dinner printed on a piece of paper in my +pocket, so that I could pass it to the reporters all cut and dried, and +in order to do an impromptu speech as it should be done you have to +indicate the places for pauses and hesitations. I put them all in it. +And then you want the applause in the right places. + +When I got to the place where it should come in, if it did not come in +I did not care, but I had it marked in the paper. And these masters of +mind used to wonder why it was my speech came out in the morning in the +first person, while theirs went through the butchery of synopsis. + +I do that kind of speech (I mean an offhand speech), and do it well, and +make no mistake in such a way to deceive the audience completely and make +that audience believe it is an impromptu speech--that is art. + +I was frightened out of it at last by an experience of Doctor Hayes. He +was a sort of Nansen of that day. He had been to the North Pole, and it +made him celebrated. He had even seen the polar bear climb the pole. + +He had made one of those magnificent voyages such as Nansen made, and in +those days when a man did anything which greatly distinguished him for +the moment he had to come on to the lecture platform and tell all about +it. + +Doctor Hayes was a great, magnificent creature like Nansen, superbly +built. He was to appear in Boston. He wrote his lecture out, and it was +his purpose to read it from manuscript; but in an evil hour he concluded +that it would be a good thing to preface it with something rather +handsome, poetical, and beautiful that he could get off by heart and +deliver as if it were the thought of the moment. + +He had not had my experience, and could not do that. He came on the +platform, held his manuscript down, and began with a beautiful piece of +oratory. He spoke something like this: + +"When a lonely human being, a pigmy in the midst of the architecture of +nature, stands solitary on those icy waters and looks abroad to the +horizon and sees mighty castles and temples of eternal ice raising up +their pinnacles tipped by the pencil of the departing sun--" + +Here a man came across the platform and touched him on the shoulder, and +said: "One minute." And then to the audience: + +"Is Mrs. John Smith in the house? Her husband has slipped on the ice and +broken his leg." + +And you could see the Mrs. John Smiths get up everywhere and drift out of +the house, and it made great gaps everywhere. Then Doctor Hayes began +again: "When a lonely man, a pigmy in the architecture--" The janitor +came in again and shouted: "It is not Mrs. John Smith! It is Mrs. John +Jones!" + +Then all the Mrs. Jones got up and left. Once more the speaker started, +and was in the midst of the sentence when he was interrupted again, and +the result was that the lecture was not delivered. But the lecturer +interviewed the janitor afterward in a private room, and of the fragments +of the janitor they took "twelve basketsful." + +Now, I don't want to sit down just in this way. I have been talking with +so much levity that I have said no serious thing, and you are really no +better or wiser, although Robert Buchanan has suggested that I am a +person who deals in wisdom. I have said nothing which would make you +better than when you came here. + +I should be sorry to sit down without having said one serious word which +you can carry home and relate to your children and the old people who are +not able to get away. + +And this is just a little maxim which has saved me from many a difficulty +and many a disaster, and in times of tribulation and uncertainty has come +to my rescue, as it shall to yours if you observe it as I do day and +night. + +I always use it in an emergency, and you can take it home as a legacy +from me, and it is "When in doubt, tell the truth." + + + + + + +THE ASCOT GOLD CUP + + The news of Mr. Clemens's arrival in England in June, 1907, was + announced in the papers with big headlines. Immediately + following the announcement was the news--also with big + headlines--that the Ascot Gold Cup had been stolen the same + day. The combination, MARK TWAIN ARRIVES-ASCOT CUP STOLEN, + amused the public. The Lord Mayor of London gave a banquet at + the Mansion House in honor of Mr. Clemens. + +I do assure you that I am not so dishonest as I look. I have been so +busy trying to rehabilitate my honor about that Ascot Cup that I have had +no time to prepare a speech. + +I was not so honest in former days as I am now, but I have always been +reasonably honest. Well, you know how a man is influenced by his +surroundings. Once upon a time I went to a public meeting where the +oratory of a charitable worker so worked on my feelings that, in common +with others, I would have dropped something substantial in the hat--if it +had come round at that moment. + +The speaker had the power of putting those vivid pictures before one. +We were all affected. That was the moment for the hat. I would have put +two hundred dollars in. Before he had finished I could have put in four +hundred dollars. I felt I could have filled up a blank check--with +somebody else's name--and dropped it in. + +Well, now, another speaker got up, and in fifteen minutes damped my +spirit; and during the speech of the third speaker all my enthusiasm went +away. When at last the hat came round I dropped in ten cents--and took +out twenty-five. + +I came over here to get the honorary degree from Oxford, and I would have +encompassed the seven seas for an honor like that--the greatest honor +that has ever fallen to my share. I am grateful to Oxford for conferring +that honor upon me, and I am sure my country appreciates it, because +first and foremost it is an honor to my country. + +And now I am going home again across the sea. I am in spirit young but +in the flesh old, so that it is unlikely that when I go away I shall ever +see England again. But I shall go with the recollection of the generous +and kindly welcome I have had. + +I suppose I must say "Good-bye." I say it not with my lips only, but +from the heart. + + + + + + +THE SAVAGE CLUB DINNER + + A portrait of Mr. Clemens, signed by all the members of the + club attending the dinner, was presented to him, July 6, 1907, + and in submitting the toast "The Health of Mark Twain" Mr. J. + Scott Stokes recalled the fact that he had read parts of Doctor + Clemens's works to Harold Frederic during Frederic's last + illness. + +MR. CHAIRMAN AND FELLOW-SAVAGES,--I am very glad indeed to have that +portrait. I think it is the best one that I have ever had, and there +have been opportunities before to get a good photograph. I have sat to +photographers twenty-two times to-day. Those sittings added to those +that have preceded them since I have been in Europe--if we average at +that rate--must have numbered one hundred to two hundred sittings. Out +of all those there ought to be some good photographs. This is the best I +have had, and I am glad to have your honored names on it. I did not know +Harold Frederic personally, but I have heard a great deal about him, and +nothing that was not pleasant and nothing except such things as lead a +man to honor another man and to love him. I consider that it is a +misfortune of mine that I have never had the luck to meet him, and if any +book of mine read to him in his last hours made those hours easier for +him and more comfortable, I am very glad and proud of that. I call to +mind such a case many years ago of an English authoress, well known in +her day, who wrote such beautiful child tales, touching and lovely in +every possible way. In a little biographical sketch of her I found that +her last hours were spent partly in reading a book of mine, until she was +no longer able to read. That has always remained in my mind, and I have +always cherished it as one of the good things of my life. I had read +what she had written, and had loved her for what she had done. + +Stanley apparently carried a book of mine feloniously away to Africa, +and I have not a doubt that it had a noble and uplifting influence there +in the wilds of Africa--because on his previous journeys he never carried +anything to read except Shakespeare and the Bible. I did not know of +that circumstance. I did not know that he had carried a book of mine. +I only noticed that when he came back he was a reformed man. I knew +Stanley very well in those old days. Stanley was the first man who ever +reported a lecture of mine, and that was in St. Louis. When I was down +there the next time to give the same lecture I was told to give them +something fresh, as they had read that in the papers. I met Stanley here +when he came back from that first expedition of his which closed with the +finding of Livingstone. You remember how he would break out at the +meetings of the British Association, and find fault with what people +said, because Stanley had notions of his own, and could not contain them. +They had to come out or break him up--and so he would go round and +address geographical societies. He was always on the warpath in those +days, and people always had to have Stanley contradicting their geography +for them and improving it. But he always came back and sat drinking beer +with me in the hotel up to two in the morning, and he was then one of the +most civilized human beings that ever was. + +I saw in a newspaper this evening a reference to an interview which +appeared in one of the papers the other day, in which the interviewer +said that I characterized Mr. Birrell's speech the other day at the +Pilgrims' Club as "bully." Now, if you will excuse me, I never use slang +to an interviewer or anybody else. That distresses me. Whatever I said +about Mr. Birrell's speech was said in English, as good English as +anybody uses. If I could not describe Mr. Birrell's delightful speech +without using slang I would not describe it at all. I would close my +mouth and keep it closed, much as it would discomfort me. + +Now that comes of interviewing a man in the first person, which is an +altogether wrong way to interview him. It is entirely wrong because none +of you, I, or anybody else, could interview a man--could listen to a man +talking any length of time and then go off and reproduce that talk in the +first person. It can't be done. What results is merely that the +interviewer gives the substance of what is said and puts it in his own +language and puts it in your mouth. It will always be either better +language than you use or worse, and in my case it is always worse. +I have a great respect for the English language. I am one of its +supporters, its promoters, its elevators. I don't degrade it. A slip of +the tongue would be the most that you would get from me. I have always +tried hard and faithfully to improve my English and never to degrade it. +I always try to use the best English to describe what I think and what I +feel, or what I don't feel and what I don't think. + +I am not one of those who in expressing opinions confine themselves to +facts. I don't know anything that mars good literature so completely as +too much truth. Facts contain a deal of poetry, but you can't use too +many of them without damaging your literature. I love all literature, +and as long as I am a doctor of literature--I have suggested to you for +twenty years I have been diligently trying to improve my own literature, +and now, by virtue of the University of Oxford, I mean to doctor +everybody else's. + +Now I think I ought to apologize for my clothes. At home I venture +things that I am not permitted by my family to venture in foreign parts. +I was instructed before I left home and ordered to refrain from white +clothes in England. I meant to keep that command fair and clean, and I +would have done it if I had been in the habit of obeying instructions, +but I can't invent a new process in life right away. I have not had +white clothes on since I crossed the ocean until now. + +In these three or four weeks I have grown so tired of gray and black that +you have earned my gratitude in permitting me to come as I have. I wear +white clothes in the depth of winter in my home, but I don't go out in +the streets in them. I don't go out to attract too much attention. +I like to attract some, and always I would like to be dressed so that I +may be more conspicuous than anybody else. + +If I had been an ancient Briton, I would not have contented myself with +blue paint, but I would have bankrupted the rainbow. I so enjoy gay +clothes in which women clothe themselves that it always grieves me when I +go to the opera to see that, while women look like a flower-bed, the men +are a few gray stumps among them in their black evening dress. These are +two or three reasons why I wish to wear white clothes: When I find +myself in assemblies like this, with everybody in black clothes, I know I +possess something that is superior to everybody else's. Clothes are +never clean. You don't know whether they are clean or not, because you +can't see. + +Here or anywhere you must scour your head every two or three days or it +is full of grit. Your clothes must collect just as much dirt as your +hair. If you wear white clothes you are clean, and your cleaning bill +gets so heavy that you have to take care. I am proud to say that I can +wear a white suit of clothes without a blemish for three days. If you +need any further instruction in the matter of clothes I shall be glad to +give it to you. I hope I have convinced some of you that it is just as +well to wear white clothes as any other kind. I do not want to boast. +I only want to make you understand that you are not clean. + +As to age, the fact that I am nearly seventy-two years old does not +clearly indicate how old I am, because part of every day--it is with me +as with you, you try to describe your age, and you cannot do it. +Sometimes you are only fifteen; sometimes you are twenty-five. It is +very seldom in a day that I am seventy-two years old. I am older now +sometimes than I was when I used to rob orchards; a thing which I would +not do to-day--if the orchards were watched. I am so glad to be here to- +night. I am so glad to renew with the Savages that now ancient time when +I first sat with a company of this club in London in 1872. That is a +long time ago. But I did stay with the Savages a night in London long +ago, and as I had come into a very strange land, and was with friends, +as I could see, that has always remained in my mind as a peculiarly +blessed evening, since it brought me into contact with men of my own kind +and my own feelings. + +I am glad to be here, and to see you all again, because it is very likely +that I shall not see you again. It is easier than I thought to come +across the Atlantic. I have been received, as you know, in the most +delightfully generous way in England ever since I came here. It keeps me +choked up all the time. Everybody is so generous, and they do seem to +give you such a hearty welcome. Nobody in the world can appreciate it +higher than I do. It did not wait till I got to London, but when I came +ashore at Tilbury the stevedores on the dock raised the first welcome +--a good and hearty welcome from the men who do the heavy labor in the +world, and save you and me having to do it. They are the men who with +their hands build empires and make them prosper. It is because of them +that the others are wealthy and can live in luxury. They received me +with a "Hurrah!" that went to my heart. They are the men that build +civilization, and without them no civilization can be built. So I came +first to the authors and creators of civilization, and I blessedly end +this happy meeting with the Savages who destroy it. + + + + + + +GENERAL MILES AND THE DOG + + Mr. Clemens was the guest of honor at a dinner given by the + Pleiades Club at the Hotel Brevoort, December 22, 1907. The + toastmaster introduced the guest of the evening with a high + tribute to his place in American literature, saying that he was + dear to the hearts of all Americans. + +It is hard work to make a speech when you have listened to compliments +from the powers in authority. A compliment is a hard text to preach to. +When the chairman introduces me as a person of merit, and when he says +pleasant things about me, I always feel like answering simply that what +he says is true; that it is all right; that, as far as I am concerned, +the things he said can stand as they are. But you always have to say +something, and that is what frightens me. + +I remember out in Sydney once having to respond to some complimentary +toast, and my one desire was to turn in my tracks like any other worm-- +and run, for it. I was remembering that occasion at a later date when I +had to introduce a speaker. Hoping, then, to spur his speech by putting +him, in joke, on the defensive, I accused him in my introduction of +everything I thought it impossible for him to have committed. When I +finished there was an awful calm. I had been telling his life history by +mistake. + +One must keep up one's character. Earn a character first if you can, and +if you can't, then assume one. From the code of morals I have been +following and revising and revising for seventy-two years I remember one +detail. All my life I have been honest--comparatively honest. I could +never use money I had not made honestly--I could only lend it. + +Last spring I met General Miles again, and he commented on the fact that +we had known each other thirty years. He said it was strange that we had +not met years before, when we had both been in Washington. At that point +I changed the subject, and I changed it with art. But the facts are +these: + +I was then under contract for my Innocents Abroad, but did not have a +cent to live on while I wrote it. So I went to Washington to do a little +journalism. There I met an equally poor friend, William Davidson, who +had not a single vice, unless you call it a vice in a Scot to love +Scotch. Together we devised the first and original newspaper syndicate, +selling two letters a week to twelve newspapers and getting $1 a letter. +That $24 a week would have been enough for us--if we had not had to +support the jug. + +But there was a day when we felt that we must have $3 right away--$3 at +once. That was how I met the General. It doesn't matter now what we +wanted so much money at one time for, but that Scot and I did +occasionally want it. The Scot sent me out one day to get it. He had a +great belief in Providence, that Scottish friend of mine. He said: "The +Lord will provide." + +I had given up trying to find the money lying about, and was in a hotel +lobby in despair, when I saw a beautiful unfriended dog. The dog saw me, +too, and at once we became acquainted. Then General Miles came in, +admired the dog, and asked me to price it. I priced it at $3. He +offered me an opportunity to reconsider the value of the beautiful +animal, but I refused to take more than Providence knew I needed. The +General carried the dog to his room. + +Then came in a sweet little middle-aged man, who at once began looking +around the lobby. + +"Did you lose a dog?" I asked. He said he had. + +"I think I could find it," I volunteered, "for a small sum." + +"'How much?'" he asked. And I told him $3. + +He urged me to accept more, but I did not wish to outdo Providence. Then +I went to the General's room and asked for the dog back. He was very +angry, and wanted to know why I had sold him a dog that did not belong to +me. + +"That's a singular question to ask me, sir," I replied. "Didn't you ask +me to sell him? You started it." And he let me have him. I gave him +back his $3 and returned the dog, collect, to its owner. That second $3 +I earned home to the Scot, and we enjoyed it, but the first $3, the money +I got from the General, I would have had to lend. + +The General seemed not to remember my part in that adventure, and I never +had the heart to tell him about it. + + + + + + +WHEN IN DOUBT, TELL THE TRUTH + + Mark Twain's speech at the dinner of the "Freundschaft + Society," March 9, 1906, had as a basis the words of + introduction used by Toastmaster Frank, who, referring to + Pudd'nhead Wilson, used the phrase, "When in doubt, tell the + truth." + +MR. CHAIRMAN, Mr. PUTZEL, AND GENTLEMEN OF THE FREUNDSCHAFT,--That maxim +I did invent, but never expected it to be applied to me. I did say, +"When you are in doubt," but when I am in doubt myself I use more +sagacity. + +Mr. Grout suggested that if I have anything to say against Mr. Putzel, or +any criticism of his career or his character, I am the last person to +come out on account of that maxim and tell the truth. That is altogether +a mistake. + +I do think it is right for other people to be virtuous so that they can +be happy hereafter, but if I knew every impropriety that even Mr. Putzel +has committed in his life, I would not mention one of them. My judgment +has been maturing for seventy years, and I have got to that point where I +know better than that. + +Mr. Putzel stands related to me in a very tender way (through the tax +office), and it does not behoove me to say anything which could by any +possibility militate against that condition of things. + +Now, that word--taxes, taxes, taxes! I have heard it to-night. I have +heard it all night. I wish somebody would change that subject; that is a +very sore subject to me. + +I was so relieved when judge Leventritt did find something that was not +taxable--when he said that the commissioner could not tax your patience. +And that comforted me. We've got so much taxation. I don't know of a +single foreign product that enters this country untaxed except the answer +to prayer. + +On an occasion like this the proprieties require that you merely pay +compliments to the guest of the occasion, and I am merely here to pay +compliments to the guest of the occasion, not to criticise him in any +way, and I can say only complimentary things to him. + +When I went down to the tax office some time ago, for the first time in +New York, I saw Mr. Putzel sitting in the "Seat of Perjury." I recognized +him right away. I warmed to him on the spot. I didn't know that I had +ever seen him before, but just as soon as I saw him I recognized him. +I had met him twenty-five years before, and at that time had achieved a +knowledge of his abilities and something more than that. + +I thought: "Now, this is the man whom I saw twenty-five years ago." +On that occasion I not only went free at his hands, but carried off +something more than that. I hoped it would happen again. + +It was twenty-five years ago when I saw a young clerk in Putnam's +bookstore. I went in there and asked for George Haven Putnam, and handed +him my card, and then the young man said Mr. Putnam was busy and I +couldn't see him. Well, I had merely called in a social way, and so it +didn't matter. + +I was going out when I saw a great big, fat, interesting-looking book +lying there, and I took it up. It was an account of the invasion of +England in the fourteenth century by the Preaching Friar, and it +interested me. + +I asked him the price of it, and he said four dollars. + +"Well," I said, "what discount do you allow to publishers?" + +He said: "Forty percent. off." + +I said: "All right, I am a publisher." + +He put down the figure, forty per cent. off, on a card. + +Then I said: " What discount do you allow to authors?" + +He said: "Forty per cent. off." + +"Well," I said, "set me down as an author." + +"Now," said I, "what discount do you allow to the clergy?" + +He said: "Forty per cent. off." + +I said to him that I was only on the road, and that I was studying for +the ministry. I asked him wouldn't he knock off twenty per cent. for +that. He set down the figure, and he never smiled once. + +I was working off these humorous brilliancies on him and getting no +return--not a scintillation in his eye, not a spark of recognition of +what I was doing there. I was almost in despair. + +I thought I might try him once more, so I said "Now, I am also a member +of the human race. Will you let me have the ten per cent. off for that?" +He set it down, and never smiled. + +Well, I gave it up. I said : "There is my card with my address on it, +but I have not any money with me. Will you please send the bill to +Hartford?" I took up the book and was going away. + +He said: " Wait a minute. There is forty cents coming to you." + +When I met him in the tax office I thought maybe I could make something +again, but I could not. But I had not any idea I could when I came, and +as it turned out I did get off entirely free. + +I put up my hand and made a statement. It gave me a good deal of pain to +do that. I was not used to it. I was born and reared in the higher +circles of Missouri, and there we don't do such things--didn't in my +time, but we have got that little matter settled--got a sort of tax +levied on me. + +Then he touched me. Yes, he touched me this time, because he cried-- +cried! He was moved to tears to see that I, a virtuous person only a +year before, after immersion for one year--during one year in the New +York morals--had no more conscience than a millionaire. + + + + + + +THE DAY WE CELEBRATE, + + ADDRESS AT THE FOURTH-OF-JULY DINNER OF THE AMERICAN SOCIETY, + LONDON, 1899. + +I noticed in Ambassador Choate's speech that he said: "You may be +Americans or Englishmen, but you cannot be both at the same time." +You responded by applause. + +Consider the effect of a short residence here. I find the Ambassador +rises first to speak to a toast, followed by a Senator, and I come third. +What a subtle tribute that to monarchial influence of the country when +you place rank above respectability! + +I was born modest, and if I had not been things like this would force it +upon me. I understand it quite well. I am here to see that between them +they do justice to the day we celebrate, and in case they do not I must +do it myself. But I notice they have considered this day merely from one +side--its sentimental, patriotic, poetic side. But it has another side. +It has a commercial, a business side that needs reforming. It has a +historical side. + +I do not say "an" historical side, because I am speaking the American +language. I do not see why our cousins should continue to say "an" +hospital, "an" historical fact, "an" horse. It seems to me the Congress +of Women, now in session, should look to it. I think "an" is having a +little too much to do with it. It comes of habit, which accounts for +many things. + +Yesterday, for example, I was at a luncheon party. At the end of the +party a great dignitary of the English Established Church went away half +an hour before anybody else and carried off my hat. Now, that was an +innocent act on his part. He went out first, and of course had the +choice of hats. As a rule I try to get out first myself. But I hold +that it was an innocent, unconscious act, due, perhaps, to heredity. +He was thinking about ecclesiastical matters, and when a man is in that +condition of mind he will take anybody's hat. The result was that the +whole afternoon I was under the influence of his clerical hat and could +not tell a lie. Of course, he was hard at it. + +It is a compliment to both of us. His hat fitted me exactly; my hat +fitted him exactly. So I judge I was born to rise to high dignity in the +Church some how or other, but I do not know what he was born for. That +is an illustration of the influence of habit, and it is perceptible here +when they say "an" hospital, "an" European, "an" historical. + +The business aspects of the Fourth of July is not perfect as it stands. +See what it costs us every year with loss of life, the crippling of +thousands with its fireworks, and the burning down of property. It is +not only sacred to patriotism sand universal freedom, but to the surgeon, +the undertaker, the insurance offices--and they are working, it for all +it is worth. + +I am pleased to see that we have a cessation of war for the time. This +coming from me, a soldier, you will appreciate. I was a soldier in the +Southern war for two weeks, and when gentlemen get up to speak of the +great deeds our army and navy have recently done, why, it goes all +through me and fires up the old war spirit. I had in my first engagement +three horses shot under me. The next ones went over my head, the next +hit me in the back. Then I retired to meet an engagement. + +I thank you, gentlemen, for making even a slight reference to the war +profession, in which I distinguished myself, short as my career was. + + + + + + +INDEPENDENCE DAY + + The American Society in London gave a banquet, July 4, 1907, at + the Hotel Cecil. Ambassador Choate called on Mr. Clemens to + respond to the toast "The Day We Celebrate." + +MR. CHAIRMAN, MY LORD, AND GENTLEMEN,--Once more it happens, as it has +happened so often since I arrived in England a week or two ago, that +instead of celebrating the Fourth of July properly as has been indicated, +I have to first take care of my personal character. Sir Mortimer Durand +still remains unconvinced. Well, I tried to convince these people from +the beginning that I did not take the Ascot Cup; and as I have failed to +convince anybody that I did not take the cup, I might as well confess I +did take it and be done with it. I don't see why this uncharitable +feeling should follow me everywhere, and why I should have that crime +thrown up to me on all occasions. The tears that I have wept over it +ought to have created a different feeling than this--and, besides, +I don't think it is very right or fair that, considering England has been +trying to take a cup of ours for forty years--I don't see why they should +take so much trouble when I tried to go into the business myself. + +Sir Mortimer Durand, too, has had trouble from going to a dinner here, +and he has told you what he suffered in consequence. But what did he +suffer? He only missed his train, and one night of discomfort, and he +remembers it to this day. Oh! if you could only think what I have +suffered from a similar circumstance. Two or three years ago, in New +York, with that Society there which is made up of people from all British +Colonies, and from Great Britain generally, who were educated in British +colleges and. British schools, I was there to respond to a toast of some +kind or other, and I did then what I have been in the habit of doing, +from a selfish motive, for a long time, and that is, I got myself placed +No, 3 in the list of speakers--then you get home early. + +I had to go five miles up-river, and had to catch a, particular train or +not get there. But see the magnanimity which is born in me, which I have +cultivated all my life. A very famous and very great British clergyman +came to me presently, and he said: "I am away down in the list; I have +got to catch a certain train this Saturday night; if I don't catch that +train I shall be carried beyond midnight and break the Sabbath. Won't +you change places with me?" I said: "Certainly I will." I did it at +once. Now, see what happened. + +Talk about Sir Mortimer Durand's sufferings for a single night! I have +suffered ever since because I saved that gentleman from breaking the +Sabbath-yes, saved him. I took his place, but I lost my train, and it +was I who broke the Sabbath. Up to that time I never had broken the +Sabbath in my life, and from that day to this I never have kept it. + +Oh! I am learning much here to-night. I find I didn't know anything +about the American Society--that is, I didn't know its chief virtue. +I didn't know its chief virtue until his Excellency our Ambassador +revealed it--I may say, exposed it. I was intending to go home on the +13th of this month, but I look upon that in a different light now. I am +going to stay here until the American Society pays my passage. + +Our Ambassador has spoken of our Fourth of July and the noise it makes. +We have got a double Fourth of July--a daylight Fourth and a midnight +Fourth. During the day in America, as our Ambassador has indicated, we +keep the Fourth of July properly in a reverent spirit. We devote it to +teaching our children patriotic things--reverence for the Declaration of +Independence. We honor the day all through the daylight hours, and when +night comes we dishonor it. Presently--before long--they are getting +nearly ready to begin now--on the Atlantic coast, when night shuts down, +that pandemonium will begin, and there will be noise, and noise, and +noise--all night long--and there will be more than noise there will be +people crippled, there will be people killed, there will be people who +will lose their eyes, and all through that permission which we give to +irresponsible boys to play with firearms and fire-crackers, and all sorts +of dangerous things: We turn that Fourth of July, alas! over to rowdies +to drink and get drunk and make the night hideous, and we cripple and +kill more people than you would imagine. + +We probably began to celebrate our Fourth-of-July night in that way one +hundred and twenty-five years ago, and on every Fourth-of-July night +since these horrors have grown and grown, until now, in our five thousand +towns of America, somebody gets killed or crippled on every Fourth-of- +July night, besides those cases of sick persons whom we never hear of, +who die as the result of the noise or the shock. They cripple and kill +more people on the Fourth of July in, America than they kill and cripple +in our wars nowadays, and there are no pensions for these folk. And, +too, we burn houses. Really we destroy more property on every Fourth-of- +July night than the whole of the United States was worth one hundred and +twenty-five years ago. Really our Fourth of July is our day of mourning, +our day of sorrow. Fifty thousand people who have lost friends, or who +have had friends crippled, receive that Fourth of July, when it comes, as +a day of mourning for the losses they have sustained in their families. + +I have suffered in that way myself. I have had relatives killed in that +way. One was in Chicago years ago--an uncle of mine, just as good an +uncle as I have ever had, and I had lots of them--yes, uncles to burn, +uncles to spare. This poor uncle, full of patriotism, opened his mouth +to hurrah, and a rocket went down his throat. Before that man could ask +for a drink of water to quench that thing, it blew up and scattered him +all, over the forty-five States, and--really, now, this is true--I know +about it myself--twenty-four hours after that it was raining buttons, +recognizable as his, on the Atlantic seaboard. A person cannot have a +disaster like that and be entirely cheerful the rest of his life. I had +another uncle, on an entirely different Fourth of July, who was blown up +that way, and really it trimmed him as it would a tree. He had hardly a +limb left on him anywhere. All we have left now is an expurgated edition +of that uncle. But never mind about these things; they are merely +passing matters. Don't let me make you sad. + +Sir Mortimer Durand said that you, the English people, gave up your +colonies over there--got tired of them--and did it with reluctance. +Now I wish you just to consider that he was right about that, and that he +had his reasons for saying that England did not look upon our Revolution +as a foreign war, but as a civil war fought by Englishmen. + +Our Fourth of July which we honor so much, and which we love so much, and +which we take so much pride in, is an English institution, not an +American one, and it comes of a great ancestry. The first Fourth of July +in that noble genealogy dates back seven centuries lacking eight years. +That is the day of the Great Charter--the Magna Charta--which was born at +Runnymede in the next to the last year of King John, and portions of the +liberties secured thus by those hardy Barons from that reluctant King +John are a part of our Declaration of Independence, of our Fourth of +July, of our American liberties. And the second of those Fourths of July +was not born, until four centuries later, in, Charles the First's time, +in the Bill of Rights, and that is ours, that is part of our liberties. +The next one was still English, in New England, where they established +that principle which remains with us to this day, and will continue to +remain with us--no taxation without representation. That is always going +to stand, and that the English Colonies in New England gave us. + +The Fourth of July, and the one which you are celebrating now, born, in +Philadelphia on the 4th of July, 1776--that is English, too. It is not +American. Those were English colonists, subjects of King George III., +Englishmen at heart, who protested against the oppressions of the Home +Government. Though they proposed to cure those oppressions and remove +them, still remaining under the Crown, they were not intending a +revolution. The revolution was brought about by circumstances which they +could not control. The Declaration of Independence was written by a +British subject, every name signed to it was the name of a British +subject. There was not the name of a single American attached to the +Declaration of Independence--in fact, there was not an American in the +country in that day except the Indians out on the plains. They were +Englishmen, all Englishmen--Americans did not begin until seven, years +later, when that Fourth of July had become seven years old, and then, the +American Republic was established. Since then, there have been +Americans. So you see what we owe to England in the matter of liberties. + +We have, however, one Fourth of July which is absolutely our own, and +that is that great proclamation issued forty years ago by that great +American to whom Sir Mortimer Durand paid that just and beautiful +tribute--Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln's proclamation, which not only set the +black slaves free, but set the white man free also. The owner was set +free from the burden and offence, that sad condition of things where he +was in so many instances a master and owner of slaves when he did not +want to be. That proclamation set them all free. But even in this +matter England suggested it, for England had set her slaves free thirty +years before, and we followed her example. We always followed her +example, whether it was good or bad. + +And it was an English judge that issued that other great proclamation, +and established that great principle that, when a slave, let him belong +to whom he may, and let him come whence he may, sets his foot upon +English soil, his fetters by that act fall away and he is a free man +before the world. We followed the example of 1833, and we freed our +slaves as I have said. + +It is true, then, that all our Fourths of July, and we have five of them, +England gave to us, except that one that I have mentioned--the +Emancipation Proclamation, and, lest we forget, let us all remember that +we owe these things to England. Let us be able to say to Old England, +this great-hearted, venerable old mother of the race, you gave us our +Fourths of July that we love and that we honor and revere, you gave us +the Declaration of Independence, which is the Charter of our rights, you, +the venerable Mother of Liberties, the Protector of Anglo-Saxon Freedom- +you gave us these things, and we do most honestly thank you for them. + + + + + + +AMERICANS AND THE ENGLISH + + ADDRESS AT A GATHERING OF AMERICANS IN LONDON, JULY 4, 1872 + +MR. CHAIRMAN AND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,--I thank you for the compliment +which has just been tendered me, and to show my appreciation of it I will +not afflict you with many words. It is pleasant to celebrate in this +peaceful way, upon this old mother soil, the anniversary of an experiment +which was born of war with this same land so long ago, and wrought out to +a successful issue by the devotion of our ancestors. It has taken nearly +a hundred years to bring the English and Americans into kindly and +mutually appreciative relations, but I believe it has been accomplished +at last. It was a great step when the two last misunderstandings were +settled by arbitration instead of cannon. It is another great step when +England adopts our sewing-machines without claiming the invention--as +usual. It was another when they imported one of our sleeping-cars the +other day. And it warmed my heart more than, I can tell, yesterday, when +I witnessed the spectacle of an Englishman, ordering an American sherry +cobbler of his own free will and accord--and not only that but with a +great brain and a level head reminding the barkeeper not to forget the +strawberries. With a common origin, a common language, a common +literature, a common religion, and--common drinks, what is longer needful +to the cementing of the two nations together in a permanent bond of +brotherhood? + +This is an age of progress, and ours is a progressive land. A great and +glorious land, too--a land which has developed a Washington, a Franklin, +a Wm. M. Tweed, a Longfellow, a Motley, a Jay Gould, a Samuel C. +Pomeroy, a recent Congress which has never had its equal (in some +respects), and a United States Army which conquered sixty Indians in +eight months by tiring them out which is much better than uncivilized +slaughter, God knows. We have a criminal jury system which is superior +to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty +of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read. +And I may observe that we have an insanity plea that would have saved +Cain. I think I can say, and say with pride, that we have some +legislatures that bring higher prices than any in the world. + +I refer with effusion to our railway system, which consents to let us +live, though it might do the opposite, being our owners. It only +destroyed three thousand and seventy lives last year by collisions, and +twenty-seven thousand two hundred and sixty by running over heedless and +unnecessary people at crossings. The companies seriously regretted the +killing of these thirty thousand people, and went so far as to pay for +some of them--voluntarily, of course, for the meanest of us would not +claim that we possess a court treacherous enough to enforce a law against +a railway company. But, thank Heaven, the railway companies are +generally disposed to do the right and kindly thing without--compulsion. +I know of an instance which greatly touched me at the time. After an +accident the company sent home the remains of a dear distant old relative +of mine in a basket, with the remark, "Please state what figure you hold +him at--and return the basket." Now there couldn't be anything +friendlier than that. + +But I must not stand here and brag all night. However, you won't mind a +body bragging a little about his country on the Fourth of July. It is a +fair and legitimate time to fly the eagle. I will say only one more word +of brag--and a hopeful one. It is this. We have a form of government +which gives each man a fair chance and no favor. With us no individual +is born with a right to look down upon his neighbor and hold him in +contempt. Let such of us as are not dukes find our consolation in that. +And we may find hope for the future in the fact that as unhappy as is the +condition of our political morality to-day, England has risen up out of a +far fouler since the days when Charles I. ennobled courtesans and all +political place was a matter of bargain and sale. There is hope for us +yet.* + + *At least the above is the speech which I was going to make, + but our minister, General Schenck, presided, and after the + blessing, got up and made a great, long, inconceivably dull + harangue, and wound up by saying that inasmuch as speech-making + did not seem to exhilarate the guests much, all further oratory + would be dispensed with during the evening, and we could just + sit and talk privately to our elbow-neighbors and have a good, + sociable time. It is known that in consequence of that remark + forty-four perfected speeches died in the womb. The + depression, the gloom, the solemnity that reigned over the + banquet from that time forth will be a lasting memory with many + that were there. By that one thoughtless remark General + Schenck lost forty-four of the best friends he had in England. + More than one said that night: "And this is the sort of person + that is sent to represent us in a great sister empire!" + + + + + + +ABOUT LONDON + + ADDRESS AT A DINNER GIVEN BY THE SAVAGE CLUB, + LONDON, SEPTEMBER 28, 1872. + + Reported by Moncure D. Conway in the Cincinnati Commercial. + +It affords me sincere pleasure to meet this distinguished club, a club +which has extended its hospitalities and its cordial welcome to so many +of my countrymen. I hope [and here the speaker's voice became low and +fluttering] you will excuse these clothes. I am going to the theatre; +that will explain these clothes. I have other clothes than these. +Judging human nature by what I have seen of it, I suppose that the +customary thing for a stranger to do when he stands here is to make a pun +on the name of this club, under the impression, of course, that he is the +first man that that idea has occurred to. It is a credit to our human +nature, not a blemish upon it; for it shows that underlying all our +depravity (and God knows and you know we are depraved enough) and all our +sophistication, and untarnished by them, there is a sweet germ of +innocence and simplicity still. When a stranger says to me, with a glow +of inspiration in his eye, some gentle, innocuous little thing about +"Twain and one flesh," and all that sort of thing, I don't try to crush +that man into the earth--no. I feel like saying: "Let me take you by the +hand, sir; let me embrace you; I have not heard that pun for weeks." +We will deal in palpable puns. We will call parties named King "Your +Majesty," and we will say to the Smiths that we think we have heard that +name before somewhere. Such is human nature. We cannot alter this. +It is God that made us so for some good and wise purpose. Let us not +repine. But though I may seem strange, may seem eccentric, I mean to +refrain from punning upon the name of this club, though I could make a +very good one if I had time to think about it--a week. + +I cannot express to you what entire enjoyment I find in this first visit +to this prodigious metropolis of yours. Its wonders seem to me to be +limitless. I go about as in a dream--as in a realm of enchantment--where +many things are rare and beautiful, and all things are strange and +marvellous. Hour after hour I stand--I stand spellbound, as it were--and +gaze upon the statuary in Leicester Square. [Leicester Square being a +horrible chaos, with the relic of an equestrian statue in the centre, the +king being headless and limbless, and the horse in little better +condition.] I visit the mortuary effigies of noble old Henry VIII., and +Judge Jeffreys, and the preserved gorilla, and try to make up my mind +which of my ancestors I admire the most. I go to that matchless Hyde +Park and drive all around it, and then I start to enter it at the Marble +Arch---and--am induced to "change my mind." [Cabs are not permitted in +Hyde Park--nothing less aristocratic than a private carriage.] It is a +great benefaction--is Hyde Park. There, in his hansom cab, the invalid +can go--the poor, sad child of misfortune--and insert his nose between +the railings, and breathe the pure, health--giving air of the country and +of heaven. And if he is a swell invalid, who isn't obliged to depend +upon parks for his country air, he can drive inside--if he owns his +vehicle. I drive round and round Hyde Park, and the more I see of the +edges of it the more grateful I am that the margin is extensive. + +And I have been to the Zoological Gardens. What a wonderful place that +is! I never have seen such a curious and interesting variety of wild +animals in any garden before--except "Mabilie." I never believed before +there were so many different kinds of animals in the world as you can +find there--and I don't believe it yet. I have been to the British +Museum. I would advise you to drop in there some time when you have +nothing to do for--five minutes--if you have never been there: It seems +to me the noblest monument that this nation has yet erected to her +greatness. I say to her, our greatness--as a nation. True, she has +built other monuments, and stately ones, as well; but these she has +uplifted in honor of two or three colossal demigods who have stalked +across the world's stage, destroying tyrants and delivering nations, and +whose prodigies will still live in the memories of men ages after their +monuments shall have crumbled to dust--I refer to the Wellington and +Nelson monuments, and--the Albert memorial. [Sarcasm. The Albert +memorial is the finest monument in the world, and celebrates the +existence of as commonplace a person as good luck ever lifted out of +obscurity.] + +The library at the British Museum I find particularly astounding. +I have read there hours together, and hardly made an impression on it. +I revere that library. It is the author's friend. I don't care how mean +a book is, it always takes one copy. [A copy of every book printed in +Great Britain must by law be sent to the British Museum, a law much +complained of by publishers.] And then every day that author goes there +to gaze at that book, and is encouraged to go on in the good work. +And what a touching sight it is of a Saturday afternoon to see the poor, +careworn clergymen gathered together in that vast reading--room cabbaging +sermons for Sunday. You will pardon my referring to these things. + +Everything in this monster city interests me, and I cannot keep from +talking, even at the risk of being instructive. People here seem always +to express distances by parables. To a stranger it is just a little +confusing to be so parabolic--so to speak. I collar a citizen, and I +think I am going to get some valuable information out of him. I ask him +how far it is to Birmingham, and he says it is twenty-one shillings and +sixpence. Now we know that doesn't help a man who is trying to learn. +I find myself down-town somewhere, and I want to get some sort of idea +where I am--being usually lost when alone--and I stop a citizen and say: +"How far is it to Charing Cross?" "Shilling fare in a cab," and off he +goes. I suppose if I were to ask a Londoner how far it, is from the +sublime to the ridiculous, he would try to express it in coin. But I am +trespassing upon your time with these geological statistics and +historical reflections. I will not longer keep you from your orgies. +'Tis a real pleasure for me to be here, and I thank you for it. The name +of the Savage Club is associated in my mind with the kindly interest and +the friendly offices which you lavished upon an old friend of mine who +came among you a stranger, and you opened your English hearts to him and +gave him welcome and a home--Artemus Ward. Asking that you will join me, +I give you his memory. + + + + + + +PRINCETON + + Mr. Clemens spent several days in May, 1901, in Princeton, New + Jersey, as the guest of Lawrence Hutton. He gave a reading one + evening before a large audience composed of university students + and professors. Before the reading Mr. Clemens said: + +I feel exceedingly surreptitious in coming down here without an +announcement of any kind. I do not want to see any advertisements +around, for the reason that I'm not a lecturer any longer. I reformed +long ago, and I break over and commit this sin only just one time this +year: and that is moderate, I think, for a person of my disposition. It +is not my purpose to lecture any more as long as I live. I never intend +to stand up on a platform any more--unless by the request of a sheriff or +something like that. + + + + + + +THE ST. LOUIS HARBOR-BOAT "MARK TWAIN" + + The Countess de Rochambeau christened the St. Louis harbor-boat + 'Mark Twain' in honor of Mr. Clemens, June 6, 1902. Just + before the luncheon he acted as pilot. + + "Lower away lead!" boomed out the voice of the pilot. + + "Mark twain, quarter five and one-half-six feet!" replied the + leadsman below. + + "You are all dead safe as long as I have the wheel--but this is + my last time at the wheel." + + At the luncheon Mr. Clemens made a short address. + +First of all, no--second of all--I wish to offer my thanks for the honor +done me by naming this last rose of summer of the Mississippi Valley for +me, this boat which represents a perished interest, which I fortified +long ago, but did not save its life. And, in the first place, I wish to +thank the Countess de Rochambeau for the honor she has done me in +presiding at this christening. + +I believe that it is peculiarly appropriate that I should be allowed the +privilege of joining my voice with the general voice of St. Louis and +Missouri in welcoming to the Mississippi Valley and this part of the +continent these illustrious visitors from France. + +When La Salle came down this river a century and a quarter ago there was +nothing on its banks but savages. He opened up this great river, and by +his simple act was gathered in this great Louisiana territory. I would +have done it myself for half the money. + + + + + + +SEVENTIETH BIRTHDAY + + ADDRESS AT A DINNER GIVEN BY COLONEL GEORGE HARVEY AT + DELMONICO'S, DECEMBER 5, 1905, TO CELEBRATE THE SEVENTIETH + ANNIVERSARY OF MR. CLEMENS' BIRTH + + Mr. Howells introduced Mr. Clemens: + + "Now, ladies and gentlemen, and Colonel Harvey, I will try not + to be greedy on your behalf in wishing the health of our + honored and, in view of his great age, our revered guest. I + will not say, 'Oh King, live forever!' but 'Oh King, live as + long as you like!'" [Amid great applause and waving of napkins + all rise and drink to Mark Twain.] + +Well, if I made that joke, it is the best one I ever made, and it is in +the prettiest language, too. --I never can get quite to that height. But +I appreciate that joke, and I shall remember it--and I shall use it when +occasion requires. + +I have had a great many birthdays in my time. I remember the first one +very well, and I always think of it with indignation; everything was so +crude, unaesthetic, primeval. Nothing like this at all. No proper +appreciative preparation made; nothing really ready. Now, for a person +born with high and delicate instincts--why, even the cradle wasn't +whitewashed--nothing ready at all. I hadn't any hair, I hadn't any +teeth, I hadn't any clothes, I had to go to my first banquet just like +that. Well, everybody came swarming in. It was the merest little bit of +a village--hardly that, just a little hamlet, in the backwoods of +Missouri, where nothing ever happened, and the people were all +interested, and they all came; they looked me over to see if there was +anything fresh in my line. Why, nothing ever happened in that village-- +I--why, I was the only thing that had really happened there for months +and months and months; and although I say it myself that shouldn't, I +came the nearest to being a real event that had happened in that village +in more than, two years. Well, those people came, they came with that +curiosity which is so provincial, with that frankness which also is so +provincial, and they examined me all around and gave their opinion. +Nobody asked them, and I shouldn't have minded if anybody had paid me a +compliment, but nobody did. Their opinions were all just green with +prejudice, and I feel those opinions to this day. Well, I stood that as +long as--well, you know I was born courteous, and I stood it to the +limit. I stood it an hour, and then the worm turned. I was the warm; it +was my turn to turn, and I turned. I knew very well the strength of my +position; I knew that I was the only spotlessly pure and innocent person +in that whole town, and I came out and said so: And they could not say a +word. It was so true: They blushed; they were embarrassed. Well, that +was the first after-dinner speech I ever made: I think it was after +dinner. + +It's a long stretch between that first birthday speech and this one. +That was my cradle-song; and this is my swan-song, I suppose. I am used +to swan-songs; I have sung them several, times. + +This is my seventieth birthday, and I wonder if you all rise to the size +of that proposition, realizing all the significance of that phrase, +seventieth birthday. + +The seventieth birthday! It is the time of life when you arrive at a new +and awful dignity; when you may throw aside the decent reserves which +have oppressed you for a generation and stand unafraid and unabashed upon +your seven-terraced summit and look down and teach--unrebuked. You can +tell the world how you got there. It is what they all do. You shall +never get tired of telling by what delicate arts and deep moralities you +climbed up to that great place. You will explain the process and dwell +on the particulars with senile rapture. I have been anxious to explain +my own system this long time, and now at last I have the right. + +I have achieved my seventy years in the usual way: by sticking strictly +to a scheme of life which would kill anybody else. It sounds like an +exaggeration, but that is really the common rule for attaining to old +age. When we examine the programme of any of these garrulous old people +we always find that the habits which have preserved them would have +decayed us; that the way of life which enabled them to live upon the +property of their heirs so long, as Mr. Choate says, would have put us +out of commission ahead of time. I will offer here, as a sound maxim, +this: That we can't reach old age by another man's road. + +I will now teach, offering my way of life to whomsoever desires to commit +suicide by the scheme which has enabled me to beat the doctor and the +hangman for seventy years. Some of the details may sound untrue, but +they are not. I am not here to deceive; I am here to teach. + +We have no permanent habits until we are forty. Then they begin to +harden, presently they petrify, then business begins. Since forty I have +been regular about going to bed and getting up--and that is one of the +main things. I have made it a rule to go to bed when there wasn't +anybody left to sit up with; and I have made it a rule to get up when I +had to. This has resulted in an unswerving regularity of irregularity. +It has saved me sound, but it would injure another person. + +In the matter of diet--which is another main thing--I have been +persistently strict in sticking to the things which didn't agree with me +until one or the other of us got the best of it. Until lately I got the +best of it myself. But last spring I stopped frolicking with mince-pie +after midnight; up to then I had always believed it wasn't loaded. For +thirty years I have taken coffee and bread at eight in the morning, and +no bite nor sup until seven-thirty in the evening. Eleven hours. That +is all right for me, and is wholesome, because I have never had a +headache in my life, but headachy people would not reach seventy +comfortably by that road, and they would be foolish to try it. And I +wish to urge upon you this--which I think is wisdom--that if you find you +can't make seventy by any but an uncomfortable road, don't you go. When +they take off the Pullman and retire you to the rancid smoker, put on +your things, count your checks, and get out at the first way station +where there's a cemetery. + +I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time. +I have no other restriction as regards smoking. I do not know just when +I began to smoke, I only know that it was in my father's lifetime, and +that I was discreet. He passed from this life early in 1847, when I was +a shade past eleven; ever since then I have smoked publicly. As an +example to others, and--not that I care for moderation myself, it has +always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain when +awake. It is a good rule. I mean, for me; but some of you know quite +well that it wouldn't answer for everybody that's trying to get to be +seventy. + +I smoke in bed until I have to go to sleep; I wake up in the night, +sometimes once, sometimes twice; sometimes three times, and I never waste +any of these opportunities to smoke. This habit is so old and dear and +precious to me that I would feel as you, sir, would feel if you should +lose the only moral you've got--meaning the chairman--if you've got one: +I am making no charges: I will grant, here, that I have stopped smoking +now and then, for a few months at a time, but it was not on principle, it +was only to show off; it was to pulverize those critics who said I was a +slave to my habits and couldn't break my bonds. + +To-day it is all of sixty years since I began to smoke the limit. I have +never bought cigars with life-belts around them. I early found that +those were too expensive for me: I have always bought cheap cigars-- +reasonably cheap, at any rate. Sixty years ago they cost me four dollars +a barrel, but my taste has improved, latterly, and I pay seven, now. Six +or seven. Seven, I think. Yes; it's seven. But that includes the +barrel. I often have smoking-parties at my house; but the people that +come have always just taken the pledge. I wonder why that is? + +As for drinking, I have no rule about that. When the others drink I +like to help; otherwise I remain dry, by habit and preference. This +dryness does not hurt me, but it could , easily hurt you, because you are +different. You let it alone. + +Since I was seven years old I have seldom take, a dose of medicine, and +have still seldomer needed one. But up to seven I lived exclusively on +allopathic medicines. Not that I needed them, for I don't think I did; +it was for economy; my father took a drug-store for a debt, and it made +cod-liver oil cheaper than the other breakfast foods. We had nine +barrels of it, and it lasted me seven years. Then I was weaned. The +rest of the family had to get along with rhubarb and ipecac and such +things, because I was the pet. I was the first Standard Oil Trust. +I had it all. By the time the drugstore was exhausted my health was +established, and there has never been much the matter with me since. +But you know very well it would be foolish for the average child to start +for seventy on that basis. It happened to be just the thing for me, +but that was merely an accident; it couldn't happen again in a century. + +I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never +intend to take any. Exercise is loathsome. And it cannot be any benefit +when you are tired; and I was always tired. But let another person try +my way, and see where he will come out. I desire now to repeat and +emphasise that maxim: We can't reach old age by another man's road. My +habits protect my life, but they would assassinate you. + +I have lived a severely moral life. But it would be a mistake for other +people to try that, or for me to recommend it. Very few would succeed: +you have to have a perfectly colossal stock of morals; and you can't get +them on a margin; you have to have the whole thing, and put them in your +box. Morals are an acquirement--like music, like a foreign language, +like piety, poker, paralysis--no man is born with them. I wasn't myself, +I started poor. I hadn't a single moral. There is hardly a man in this +house that is poorer than I was then. Yes, I started like that--the +world before me, not a moral in the slot. Not even an insurance moral. +I can remember the first one I ever got. I can remember the landscape, +the weather, the--I can remember how everything looked. It was an old +moral, an old second-hand moral, all out of repair, and didn't fit, +anyway. But if you are careful with a thing like that, and keep it in a +dry place, and save it for processions, and Chautauquas, and World's +Fairs, and so on, and disinfect it now and then, and give it a fresh coat +of whitewash once in a while, you will be surprised to see how well she +will last and how long she will keep sweet, or at least inoffensive. +When I got that mouldy old moral, she had stopped growing, because she +hadn't any exercise; but I worked her hard, I worked her Sundays and all. +Under this cultivation she waxed in might and stature beyond belief, and +served me well and was my pride and joy for sixty-three years; then she +got to associating with insurance presidents, and lost flesh and +character, and was a sorrow to look at and no longer competent for +business. She was a great loss to me. Yet not all loss. I sold her-- +ah, pathetic skeleton, as she was--I sold her to Leopold, the pirate King +of Belgium; he sold her to our Metropolitan Museum, and it was very glad +to get her, for without a rag on, she stands 57 feet long and 16 feet +high, and they think she's a brontosaur. Well, she looks it. They +believe it will take nineteen geological periods to breed her match. + +Morals are of inestimable value, for every man is born crammed with sin +microbes, and the only thing that can extirpate these sin microbes is +morals. Now you take a sterilized Christian--I mean, you take the +sterilized Christian, for there's only one. Dear sir, I wish you +wouldn't look at me like that. + +Threescore years and ten! + +It is the Scriptural statute of limitations. After that, you owe no +active duties; for you the strenuous life is over. You are a time- +expired man, to use Kipling's military phrase: You have served your term, +well or less well, and you are mustered out. You are become an honorary +member of the republic, you are emancipated, compulsions are not for you, +nor any bugle-tail but "lights out." You pay the time-worn duty bills if +you choose, or decline if you prefer--and without prejudice--for they are +not legally collectable. + +The previous-engagement plea, which in forty years has cost you so many +tinges, you cam lay aside forever; on this side of the grave you will +never need it again. If you shrink at thought of night, and winter, and +the late home-coming from the banquet and the lights and the laughter +through the deserted streets--a desolation which would not remind you +now, as for a generation it did, that your friends are sleeping, and you +must creep in a-tiptoe and not disturb them, but would only remind you +that you need not tiptoe, you can never disturb them more--if you shrink +at thought of these things, you need only reply, "Your invitation honors +me, and pleases me because you still keep me hi your remembrance, but I +am seventy; seventy, and would nestle in the chimney-corner, and smoke my +pipe, and read my book, and take my rest, wishing you well in all +affection; and that when you in your return shall arrive at pier No. 70 +you may step aboard your waiting ship with a reconciled spirit, and lay +your course toward the sinking sun with a contented heart. + + + + + +End of this Project Gutenberg Etext of Mark Twain's Speeches +by Mark Twain + diff --git a/old/mtmts10.zip b/old/mtmts10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2297b83 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/mtmts10.zip diff --git a/old/mtmts11.txt b/old/mtmts11.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b5bacb0 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/mtmts11.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10125 @@ +The Project Gutenberg Etext of Mark Twain's Speeches, by Mark Twain +#49 in our series by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.10/04/01*END* + + + + + +This etext was produced by David Widger <widger@cecomet.net> + + + + + +MARK TWAIN'S SPEECHES + +by Mark Twain + + + +CONTENTS: + + INTRODUCTION + PREFACE + THE STORY OF A SPEECH + PLYMOUTH ROCK AND THE PILGRIMS + COMPLIMENTS AND DEGREES + BOOKS, AUTHORS, AND HATS + DEDICATION SPEECH + DIE SCHRECKEN DER DEUTSCHEN SPRACHE. + THE HORRORS OF THE GERMAN LANGUAGE + GERMAN FOR THE HUNGARIANS + A NEW GERMAN WORD + UNCONSCIOUS PLAGIARISM + THE WEATHER + THE BABIES + OUR CHILDREN AND GREAT DISCOVERIES + EDUCATING THEATRE-GOERS + THE EDUCATIONAL THEATRE + POETS AS POLICEMEN + PUDD'NHEAD WILSON DRAMATIZED + DALY THEATRE + THE DRESS OF CIVILIZED WOMAN + DRESS REFORM AND COPYRIGHT + COLLEGE GIRLS + GIRLS + THE LADIES + WOMAN'S PRESS CLUB + VOTES FOR WOMEN + WOMAN-AN OPINION + ADVICE TO GIRLS + TAXES AND MORALS + TAMMANY AND CROKER + MUNICIPAL CORRUPTION + MUNICIPAL GOVERNMENT + CHINA AND THE PHILIPPINES + THEORETICAL AND PRACTICAL MORALS + LAYMAN'S SERMON + UNIVERSITY SETTLEMENT SOCIETY + PUBLIC EDUCATION ASSOCIATION + EDUCATION AND CITIZENSHIP + COURAGE + THE DINNER TO MR. CHOATE + ON STANLEY AND LIVINGSTONE + HENRY M. STANLEY + DINNER TO MR. JEROME + HENRY IRVING + DINNER TO HAMILTON W. MABIE + INTRODUCING NYE AND RILEY + DINNER TO WHITELAW REID + ROGERS AND RAILROADS + THE OLD-FASHIONED PRINTER + SOCIETY OF AMERICAN AUTHORS + READING-ROOM OPENING + LITERATURE + DISAPPEARANCE OF LITERATURE + THE NEW YORK PRESS CLUB DINNER + THE ALPHABET AND SIMPLIFIED SPELLING + SPELLING AND PICTURES + BOOKS AND BURGLARS + AUTHORS' CLUB + BOOKSELLERS + "MARK TWAIN's FIRST APPEARANCE" + MORALS AND MEMORY + QUEEN VICTORIA + JOAN OF ARC + ACCIDENT INSURANCE--ETC. + OSTEOPATHY + WATER-SUPPLY + MISTAKEN IDENTITY + CATS AND CANDY + OBITUARY POETRY + CIGARS AND TOBACCO + BILLIARDS + THE UNION RIGHT OR WRONG? + AN IDEAL FRENCH ADDRESS + STATISTICS + GALVESTON ORPHAN BAZAAR + SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE + CHARITY AND ACTORS + RUSSIAN REPUBLIC + RUSSIAN SUFFERERS + WATTERSON AND TWAIN AS REBELS + ROBERT FULTON FUND + FULTON DAY, JAMESTOWN + LOTOS CLUB DINNER IN HONOR OF MARK TWAIN + COPYRIGHT + IN AID OF THE BLIND + DR. MARK TWAIN, FARMEOPATH + MISSOURI UNIVERSITY SPEECH + BUSINESS + CARNEGIE THE BENEFACTOR + ON POETRY, VERACITY, AND SUICIDE + WELCOME HOME + AN UNDELIVERED SPEECH + SIXTY-SEVENTH BIRTHDAY + TO THE WHITEFRIARS + THE ASCOT GOLD CUP + THE SAVAGE CLUB DINNER + GENERAL MILES AND THE DOG + WHEN IN DOUBT, TELL THE TRUTH + THE DAY WE CELEBRATE + INDEPENDENCE DAY + AMERICANS AND THE ENGLISH + ABOUT LONDON + PRINCETON + THE ST. LOUIS HARBOR-BOAT "MARK TWAIN" + SEVENTIETH BIRTHDAY + + + + +INTRODUCTION + +These speeches will address themselves to the minds and hearts of those +who read them, but not with the effect they had with those who heard +them; Clemens himself would have said, not with half the effect. I have +noted elsewhere how he always held that the actor doubled the value of +the author's words; and he was a great actor as well as a great author. +He was a most consummate actor, with this difference from other actors, +that he was the first to know the thoughts and invent the fancies to +which his voice and action gave the color of life. Representation is the +art of other actors; his art was creative as well as representative; it +was nothing at second hand. + +I never heard Clemens speak when I thought he quite failed; some burst +or spurt redeemed him when he seemed flagging short of the goal, and, +whoever else was in the running, he came in ahead. His near-failures +were the error of a rare trust to the spontaneity in which other speakers +confide, or are believed to confide, when they are on their feet. He +knew that from the beginning of oratory the orator's spontaneity was for +the silence and solitude of the closet where he mused his words to an +imagined audience; that this was the use of orators from Demosthenes and +Cicero up and down. He studied every word and syllable, and memorized +them by a system of mnemonics peculiar to himself, consisting of an +arbitrary arrangement of things on a table--knives, forks, salt-cellars; +inkstands, pens, boxes, or whatever was at hand--which stood for points +and clauses and climaxes, and were at once indelible diction and constant +suggestion. He studied every tone and every gesture, and he forecast the +result with the real audience from its result with that imagined +audience. Therefore, it was beautiful to see him and to hear him; he +rejoiced in the pleasure he gave and the blows of surprise which he +dealt; and because he had his end in mind, he knew when to stop. + +I have been talking of his method and manner; the matter the reader has +here before him; and it is good matter, glad, honest, kind, just. + + W. D. HOWELLS. + + + + + + +PREFACE + +FROM THE PREFACE TO THE ENGLISH EDITION OF "MARK TWAIN'S SKETCHES" + +If I were to sell the reader a barrel of molasses, and he, instead of +sweetening his substantial dinner with the same at judicious intervals, +should eat the entire barrel at one sitting, and then abuse me for making +him sick, I would say that he deserved to be made sick for not knowing +any better how to utilize the blessings this world affords. And if I +sell to the reader this volume of nonsense, and he, instead of seasoning +his graver reading with a chapter of it now and then, when his mind +demands such relaxation, unwisely overdoses himself with several chapters +of it at a single sitting, he will deserve to be nauseated, and he will +have nobody to blame but himself if he is. There is no more sin in +publishing an entire volume of nonsense than there is in keeping a +candy-store with no hardware in it. It lies wholly with the customer +whether he will injure himself by means of either, or will derive from +them the benefits which they will afford him if he uses their +possibilities judiciously. + Respectfully submitted, + THE AUTHOR. + + + + + + MARK TWAIN'S SPEECHES + + + + +THE STORY OF A SPEECH + + An address delivered in 1877, and a review of it twenty-nine + years later. The original speech was delivered at a dinner + given by the publishers of The Atlantic Monthly in honor of the + seventieth anniversary o f the birth of John Greenleaf + Whittier, at the Hotel Brunswick, Boston, December 17, 1877. + +This is an occasion peculiarly meet for the digging up of pleasant +reminiscences concerning literary folk; therefore I will drop lightly +into history myself. Standing here on the shore of the Atlantic and +contemplating certain of its largest literary billows, I am reminded of a +thing which happened to me thirteen years ago, when I had just succeeded +in stirring up a little Nevadian literary puddle myself, whose +spume-flakes were beginning to blow thinly Californiaward. I started an +inspection tramp through the southern mines of California. I was callow +and conceited, and I resolved to try the virtue of my 'nom de guerre'. + +I very soon had an opportunity. I knocked at a miner's lonely log cabin +in the foot-hills of the Sierras just at nightfall. It was snowing at +the time. A jaded, melancholy man of fifty, barefooted, opened the door +to me. When he heard my 'nom de guerre' he looked more dejected than +before. He let me in--pretty reluctantly, I thought--and after the +customary bacon and beans, black coffee and hot whiskey, I took a pipe. +This sorrowful man had not said three words up to this time. Now he +spoke up and said, in the voice of one who is secretly suffering, "You're +the fourth--I'm going to move." "The fourth what?" said I. "The fourth +littery man that has been here in twenty-four hours--I'm going to move." +"You don't tell me!" said I; "who were the others?" "Mr. Longfellow, +Mr. Emerson, and Mr. Oliver Wendell Holmes--consound the lot!" + +You can, easily believe I was interested. I supplicated--three hot +whiskeys did the rest--and finally the melancholy miner began. Said he: + +"They came here just at dark yesterday evening, and I let them in of +course. Said they were going to the Yosemite. They were a rough lot, +but that's nothing; everybody looks rough that travels afoot. +Mr. Emerson was a seedy little bit of a chap, red-headed. Mr. Holmes was +as fat as a balloon; he weighed as much as three hundred, and had double +chins all the way down to his stomach. Mr. Longfellow was built like a +prizefighter. His head was cropped and bristly, like as if he had a wig +made of hair-brushes. His nose lay straight down, his face, like a +finger with the end joint tilted up. They had been drinking, I could see +that. And what queer talk they used! Mr. Holmes inspected this cabin, +then he took me by the buttonhole, and says he: + + "'Through the deep caves of thought + I hear a voice that sings, + Build thee more stately mansions, + O my soul!' + +"Says I, 'I can't afford it, Mr. Holmes, and moreover I don't want to.' +Blamed if I liked it pretty well, either, coming from a stranger, that +way. However, I started to get out my bacon and beans, when Mr. Emerson +came and looked on awhile, and then he takes me aside by the buttonhole +and says: + + "'Give me agates for my meat; + Give me cantharids to eat; + From air and ocean bring me foods, + From all zones and altitudes.' + +"Says I, 'Mr. Emerson, if you'll excuse me, this ain't no hotel.' +You see it sort of riled me--I warn't used to the ways of littery swells. +But I went on a-sweating over my work, and next comes Mr. Longfellow and +buttonholes me, and interrupts me. Says he: + + "'Honor be to Mudjekeewis! + You shall hear how Pau-Puk-Keewis--' + +"But I broke in, and says I, 'Beg your pardon, Mr. Longfellow, if you'll +be so kind as to hold your yawp for about five minutes and let me get +this grub ready, you'll do me proud.' Well, sir, after they'd filled up +I set out the jug. Mr. Holmes looks at it, and then he fires up all of a +sudden and yells: + + "Flash out a stream of blood-red wine! + For I would drink to other days.' + +"By George, I was getting kind of worked up. I don't deny it, I was +getting kind of worked up. I turns to Mr. Holmes, and says I, 'Looky +here, my fat friend, I'm a-running this shanty, and if the court knows +herself, you'll take whiskey straight or you'll go dry.' Them's the very +words I said to him. Now I don't want to sass such famous littery +people, but you see they kind of forced me. There ain't nothing +onreasonable 'bout me; I don't mind a passel of guests a-treadin' on my +tail three or four times, but when it comes to standing on it it's +different, 'and if the court knows herself,' I says, 'you'll take whiskey +straight or you'll go dry.' Well, between drinks they'd swell around the +cabin and strike attitudes and spout; and pretty soon they got out a +greasy old deck and went to playing euchre at ten cents a corner--on +trust. I began to notice some pretty suspicious things. Mr. Emerson +dealt, looked at his hand, shook his head, says: + + "'I am the doubter and the doubt--' + +and ca'mly bunched the hands and went to shuffling for a new layout. +Says he: + + "'They reckon ill who leave me out; + They know not well the subtle ways I keep. + I pass and deal again!' + +Hang'd if he didn't go ahead and do it, too! Oh, he was a cool one! +Well, in about a minute things were running pretty tight, but all of a +sudden I see by Mr. Emerson's eye he judged he had 'em. He had already +corralled two tricks, and each of the others one. So now he kind of +lifts a little in his chair and says: + + "'I tire of globes and aces! + Too long the game is played!' + +--and down he fetched a right bower. Mr. Longfellow smiles as sweet as +pie and says: + + "'Thanks, thanks to thee, my worthy friend, + For the lesson thou hast taught,' + +--and blamed if he didn't down with another right bower! Emerson claps +his hand on his bowie, Longfellow claps his on his revolver, and I went +under a bunk. There was going to be trouble; but that monstrous Holmes +rose up, wobbling his double chins, and says he, 'Order, gentlemen; the +first man that draws, I'll lay down on him and smother him!' All quiet +on the Potomac, you bet! + +"They were pretty how-come-you-so' by now, and they begun to blow. +Emerson says, 'The nobbiest thing I ever wrote was "Barbara Frietchie."' +Says Longfellow, 'It don't begin with my "Biglow Papers."' Says Holmes, +'My "Thanatopsis" lays over 'em both.' They mighty near ended in a fight. +Then they wished they had some more company--and Mr. Emerson pointed to +me and says: + + "'Is yonder squalid peasant all + That this proud nursery could breed?' + +He was a-whetting his bowie on his boot--so I let it pass. Well, sir, +next they took it into their heads that they would like some music; so +they made me stand up and sing "When Johnny Comes Marching Home" till I +dropped-at thirteen minutes past four this morning. That's what I've +been through, my friend. When I woke at seven, they were leaving, thank +goodness, and Mr. Longfellow had my only boots on, and his'n under his +arm. Says I, 'Hold on, there, Evangeline, what are you going to do with +them?' He says, 'Going to make tracks with 'em; because: + + "'Lives of great men all remind us + We can make our lives sublime; + And, departing, leave behind us + Footprints on the sands of time.' + +"As I said, Mr. Twain, you are the fourth in twenty-four hours--and I'm +going to move; I ain't suited to a littery atmosphere." + +I said to the miner, "Why, my dear sir, these were not the gracious +singers to whom we and the world pay loving reverence and homage; these +were impostors." + +The miner investigated me with a calm eye for a while; then said he, "Ah! +impostors, were they? Are you?" + +I did not pursue the subject, and since then I have not travelled on my +'nom de guerre' enough to hurt. Such was the reminiscence I was moved to +contribute, Mr. Chairman. In my enthusiasm I may have exaggerated the +details a little, but you will easily forgive me that fault, since I +believe it is the first time I have ever deflected from perpendicular +fact on an occasion like this. + + ......................... + +From Mark Twain's Autobiography. + + January 11, 1906. + +Answer to a letter received this morning: + + DEAR MRS. H.,--I am forever your debtor for reminding me of that + curious passage in my life. During the first year or, two after it + happened, I could not bear to think of it. My pain and shame were + so intense, and my sense of having been an imbecile so settled, + established and confirmed, that I drove the episode entirely from my + mind--and so all these twenty-eight or twenty-nine years I have + lived in the conviction that my performance of that time was coarse, + vulgar, and destitute of humor. But your suggestion that you and + your family found humor in it twenty-eight years ago moved me to + look into the matter. So I commissioned a Boston typewriter to + delve among the Boston papers of that bygone time and send me a copy + of it. + + It came this morning, and if there is any vulgarity about it I am + not able to discover it. If it isn't innocently and ridiculously + funny, I am no judge. I will see to it that you get a copy. + + +What I have said to Mrs. H. is true. I did suffer during a year or two +from the deep humiliations of that episode. But at last, in 1888, in +Venice, my wife and I came across Mr. and Mrs. A. P. C., of Concord, +Massachusetts, and a friendship began then of the sort which nothing but +death terminates. The C.'s were very bright people and in every way +charming and companionable. We were together a month or two in Venice +and several months in Rome, afterward, and one day that lamented break of +mine was mentioned. And when I was on the point of lathering those +people for bringing it to my mind when I had gotten the memory of it +almost squelched, I perceived with joy that the C.'s were indignant about +the way that my performance had been received in Boston. They poured out +their opinions most freely and frankly about the frosty attitude of the +people who were present at that performance, and about the Boston +newspapers for the position they had taken in regard to the matter. +That position was that I had been irreverent beyond belief, beyond +imagination. Very well; I had accepted that as a fact for a year or two, +and had been thoroughly miserable about it whenever I thought of it +--which was not frequently, if I could help it. Whenever I thought of it +I wondered how I ever could have been inspired to do so unholy a thing. +Well, the C.'s comforted me, but they did not persuade me to continue to +think about the unhappy episode. I resisted that. I tried to get it out +of my mind, and let it die, and I succeeded. Until Mrs. H.'s letter +came, it had been a good twenty-five years since I had thought of that +matter; and when she said that the thing was funny I wondered if possibly +she might be right. At any rate, my curiosity was aroused, and I wrote +to Boston and got the whole thing copied, as above set forth. + +I vaguely remember some of the details of that gathering--dimly I can see +a hundred people--no, perhaps fifty--shadowy figures sitting at tables +feeding, ghosts now to me, and nameless forevermore. I don't know who +they were, but I can very distinctly see, seated at the grand table and +facing the rest of us, Mr. Emerson, supernaturally grave, unsmiling; +Mr. Whittier, grave, lovely, his beautiful spirit shining out of his +face; Mr. Longfellow, with his silken white hair and his benignant face; +Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes, flashing smiles and affection and all good- +fellowship everywhere like a rose-diamond whose facets are being turned +toward the light first one way and then another--a charming man, and +always fascinating, whether he was talking or whether he was sitting +still (what he would call still, but what would be more or less motion to +other people). I can see those figures with entire distinctness across +this abyss of time. + +One other feature is clear--Willie Winter (for these past thousand years +dramatic editor of the New York Tribune, and still occupying that high +post in his old age) was there. He was much younger then than he is now, +and he showed 'it. It was always a pleasure to me to see Willie Winter +at a banquet. During a matter of twenty years I was seldom at a banquet +where Willie Winter was not also present, and where he did not read a +charming poem written for the occasion. He did it this time, and it was +up to standard: dainty, happy, choicely phrased, and as good to listen to +as music, and sounding exactly as if it was pouring unprepared out of +heart and brain. + +Now at that point ends all that was pleasurable about that notable +celebration of Mr. Whittier's seventieth birthday--because I got up at +that point and followed Winter, with what I have no doubt I supposed +would be the gem of the evening--the gay oration above quoted from the +Boston paper. I had written it all out the day before and had perfectly +memorized it, and I stood up there at my genial and happy and self- +satisfied ease, and began to deliver it. Those majestic guests; that row +of venerable and still active volcanoes, listened; as did everybody else +in the house, with attentive interest. Well, I delivered myself of-- +we'll say the first two hundred words of my speech. I was expecting no +returns from that part of the speech, but this was not the case as +regarded the rest of it. I arrived now at the dialogue: "The old miner +said, 'You are the fourth, I'm going to move.' 'The fourth what?' said +I. He answered, 'The fourth littery man that has been here in twenty- +four hours. I am going to move.' 'Why, you don't tell me;' said I. +'Who were the others?' 'Mr. Longfellow, Mr. Emerson, Mr. Oliver Wendell +Holmes, consound the lot--'" + +Now, then, the house's attention continued, but the expression of +interest in the faces turned to a sort of black frost. I wondered what +the trouble was. I didn't know. I went on, but with difficulty-- +I struggled along, and entered upon that miner's fearful description of +the bogus Emerson, the bogus Holmes, the bogus Longfellow, always hoping +--but with a gradually perishing hope that somebody--would laugh, or that +somebody would at least smile, but nobody did. I didn't know enough to +give it up and sit down, I was too new to public speaking, and so I went +on with this awful performance, and carried it clear through to the end, +in front of a body of people who seemed turned to stone with horror. +It was the sort of expression their faces would have worn if I had been +making these remarks about the Deity and the rest of the Trinity; there +is no milder way, in which to describe the petrified condition and the +ghastly expression of those people. + +When I sat down it was with a heart which had long ceased to beat. +I shall never be as dead again as I was then. I shall never be as +miserable again as I was then. I speak now as one who doesn't know what +the condition of things may be in the next world, but in this one I shall +never be as wretched again as I was then. Howells, who was near me, +tried to say a comforting word, but couldn't get beyond a gasp. There +was no use--he understood the whole size of the disaster. He had good +intentions, but the words froze before they could get out. It was an +atmosphere that would freeze anything. If Benvenuto Cellini's salamander +had been in that place he would not have survived to be put into +Cellini's autobiography. There was a frightful pause. There was an +awful silence, a desolating silence. Then the next man on the list had +to get up--there was no help for it. That was Bishop--Bishop had just +burst handsomely upon the world with a most acceptable novel, which had +appeared in The Atlantic Monthly, a place which would make any novel +respectable and any author noteworthy. In this case the novel itself was +recognized as being, without extraneous help, respectable. Bishop was +away up in the public favor, and he was an object of high interest, +consequently there was a sort of national expectancy in the air; we may +say our American millions were standing, from Maine to Texas and from +Alaska to Florida, holding their breath, their lips parted, their hands +ready to applaud, when Bishop should get up on that occasion, and for the +first time in his life speak in public. It was under these damaging +conditions that he got up to "make good," as the vulgar say. I had +spoken several times before, and that is the reason why I was able to go +on without dying in my tracks, as I ought to have done--but Bishop had +had no experience. He was up facing those awful deities--facing those +other people, those strangers--facing human beings for the first time in +his life, with a speech to utter. No doubt it was well packed away in +his memory, no doubt it was fresh and usable, until I had been heard +from. I suppose that after that, and under the smothering pall of that +dreary silence, it began to waste away and disappear out of his head like +the rags breaking from the edge of a fog, and presently there wasn't any +fog left. He didn't go on--he didn't last long. It was not many +sentence's after his first before he began to hesitate, and break, and +lose his grip, and totter, and wobble, and at last he slumped down in a +limp and mushy pile. + +Well, the programme for the occasion was probably not more than one- +third finished, but it ended there. Nobody rose. The next man hadn't +strength enough to get up, and everybody looked so dazed, so stupefied, +paralyzed; it was impossible for anybody to do anything, or even try. +Nothing could go on in that strange atmosphere. Howells mournfully, and +without words, hitched himself to Bishop and me and supported us out of +the room. It was very kind--he was most generous. He towed us tottering +away into same room in that building, and we sat down there. I don't +know what my remark was now, but I know the nature of it. It was the +kind of remark you make when you know that nothing in the world can help +your case. But Howells was honest--he had to say the heart-breaking +things he did say: that there was no help for this calamity, this +shipwreck, this cataclysm; that this was the most disastrous thing that +had ever happened in anybody's history--and then he added, "That is, for +you--and consider what you have done for Bishop. It is bad enough in +your case, you deserve, to suffer. You have committed this crime, and +you deserve to have all you are going to get. But here is an innocent +man. Bishop had never done you any harm, and see what you have done to +him. He can never hold his head up again. The world can never look upon +Bishop as being a live person. He is a corpse." + +That is the history of that episode of twenty-eight years ago, which +pretty nearly killed me with shame during that first year or two whenever +it forced its way into my mind. + +Now then, I take that speech up and examine it. As I said, it arrived +this morning, from Boston. I have read it twice, and unless I am an +idiot, it hasn't a single defect in it from the first word to the last. +It is just as good as good can be. It is smart; it is saturated with +humor. There isn't a suggestion of coarseness or vulgarity in it +anywhere. What could have been the matter with that house? It is +amazing, it is incredible, that they didn't shout with laughter, and +those deities the loudest of them all. Could the fault have been with +me? Did I lose courage when I saw those great men up there whom I was +going to describe in such a strange fashion? If that happened, if I +showed doubt, that can account for it, for you can't be successfully +funny if you show that you are afraid of it. Well, I can't account for +it, but if I had those beloved and revered old literary immortals back +here now on the platform at Carnegie Hall I would take that same old +speech, deliver it, word for word, and melt them till they'd run all over +that stage. Oh, the fault must have been with me, it is not in the +speech at all. + + + + + + +PLYMOUTH ROCK AND THE PILGRIMS + + ADDRESS AT THE FIRST ANNUAL DINNER, N. E. SOCIETY, + PHILADELPHIA, DECEMBER 22, 1881 + + On calling upon Mr. Clemens to make response, + President Rollins said: + + "This sentiment has been assigned to one who was never exactly + born in New England, nor, perhaps, were any of his ancestors. + He is not technically, therefore, of New England descent. + Under the painful circumstances in which he has found himself, + however, he has done the best he could--he has had all his + children born there, and has made of himself a New England + ancestor. He is a self-made man. More than this, and better + even, in cheerful, hopeful, helpful literature he is of New + England ascent. To ascend there in any thing that's reasonable + is difficult; for--confidentially, with the door shut--we all + know that they are the brightest, ablest sons of that goodly + land who never leave it, and it is among and above them that + Mr. Twain has made his brilliant and permanent ascent--become + a man of mark." + +I rise to protest. I have kept still for years; but really I think there +is no sufficient justification for this sort of thing. What do you want +to celebrate those people for?--those ancestors of yours of 1620--the +Mayflower tribe, I mean. What do you want to celebrate them for? Your +pardon: the gentleman at my left assures me that you are not celebrating +the Pilgrims themselves, but the landing of the Pilgrims at Plymouth rock +on the 22d of December. So you are celebrating their landing. Why, the +other pretext was thin enough, but this is thinner than ever; the other +was tissue, tinfoil, fish-bladder, but this is gold-leaf. Celebrating +their lauding! What was there remarkable about it, I would like to know? +What can you be thinking of? Why, those Pilgrims had been at sea three +or four months. It was the very middle of winter: it was as cold as +death off Cape Cod there. Why shouldn't they come ashore? If they +hadn't landed there would be some reason for celebrating the fact: It +would have been a case of monumental leatherheadedness which the world +would not willingly let die. If it had been you, gentlemen, you probably +wouldn't have landed, but you have no shadow of right to be celebrating, +in your ancestors, gifts which they did not exercise, but only +transmitted. Why, to be celebrating the mere landing of the Pilgrims-- +to be trying to make out that this most natural and simple and customary +procedure was an extraordinary circumstance--a circumstance to be amazed +at, and admired, aggrandized and glorified, at orgies like this for two +hundred and sixty years--hang it, a horse would have known enough to +land; a horse--Pardon again; the gentleman on my right assures me that +it was not merely the landing of the Pilgrims that we are celebrating, +but the Pilgrims themselves. So we have struck an inconsistency here-- +one says it was the landing, the other says it was the Pilgrims. It is +an inconsistency characteristic of your intractable and disputatious +tribe, for you never agree about anything but Boston. Well, then, what +do you want to celebrate those Pilgrims for? They were a mighty hard +lot--you know it. I grant you, without the slightest unwillingness, that +they were a deal more gentle and merciful and just than were the people +of Europe of that day; I grant you that they are better than their +predecessors. But what of that?--that is nothing. People always +progress. You are better than your fathers and grandfathers were (this +is the first time I have ever aimed a measureless slander at the +departed, for I consider such things improper). Yes, those among you who +have not been in the penitentiary, if such there be, are better than your +fathers and grandfathers were; but is that any sufficient reason, for +getting up annual dinners and celebrating you? No, by no means--by no +means. Well, I repeat, those Pilgrims were a hard lot. They took good +care of themselves, but they abolished everybody else's ancestors. I am +a border-ruffian from the State of Missouri. I am a Connecticut Yankee +by adoption. In me, you have Missouri morals, Connecticut culture; this, +gentlemen, is the combination which makes the perfect man. But where are +my ancestors? Whom shall I celebrate? Where shall I find the raw +material? + +My first American ancestor, gentlemen, was an Indian--an early Indian. +Your ancestors skinned him alive, and I am an orphan. Not one drop of my +blood flows in that Indian's veins today. I stand here, lone and +forlorn, without an ancestor. They skinned him! I do not object to +that, if they needed his fur; but alive, gentlemen-alive! They skinned +him alive--and before company! That is what rankles. Think how he must +have felt; for he was a sensitive person and easily embarrassed. If he +had been a bird, it would have been all right, and no violence done to +his feelings, because he would have been considered "dressed." But he +was not a bird, gentlemen, he was a man, and probably one of the most +undressed men that ever was. I ask you to put yourselves in his place. +I ask it as a favor; I ask it as a tardy act of justice; I ask it in the +interest of fidelity to the traditions of your ancestors; I ask it that +the world may contemplate, with vision unobstructed by disguising +swallow-tails and white cravats, the spectacle which the true New England +Society ought to present. Cease to come to these annual orgies in this +hollow modern mockery--the surplusage of raiment. Come in character; +come in the summer grace, come in the unadorned simplicity, come in the +free and joyous costume which your sainted ancestors provided for mine. + +Later ancestors of mine were the Quakers William Robinson, Marmaduke +Stevenson, et al. Your tribe chased them put of the country for their +religion's sake; promised them death if they came back; for your +ancestors had forsaken the homes they loved, and braved the perils of the +sea, the implacable climate, and the savage wilderness, to acquire that +highest and most precious of boons, freedom for every man on this broad +continent to worship according to the dictates of his own conscience--and +they were not going to allow a lot of pestiferous Quakers to interfere +with it. Your ancestors broke forever the chains of political slavery, +and gave the vote to every man in this wide land, excluding none!--none +except those who did not belong to the orthodox church. Your ancestors-- +yes, they were a hard lot; but, nevertheless, they gave us religious +liberty to worship as they required us to worship, and political liberty +to vote as the church required; and so I the bereft one, I the forlorn +one, am here to do my best to help you celebrate them right. + +The Quaker woman Elizabeth Hooton was an ancestress of mine. Your people +were pretty severe with her you will confess that. But, poor thing! +I believe they changed her opinions before she died, and took her into +their fold; and so we have every reason to presume that when she died she +went to the same place which your ancestors went to. It is a great pity, +for she was a good woman. Roger Williams was an ancestor of mine. +I don't really remember what your people did with him. But they banished +him to Rhode Island, anyway. And then, I believe, recognizing that this +was really carrying harshness to an unjustifiable extreme, they took pity +on him and burned him. They were a hard lot! All those Salem witches +were ancestors of mine! Your people made it tropical for them. Yes, +they did; by pressure and the gallows they made such a clean deal with +them that there hasn't been a witch and hardly a halter in our family +from that day to this, and that is one hundred and eighty-nine years. +The first slave brought into New England out of Africa by your +progenitors was an ancestor of mine--for I am of a mixed breed, an +infinitely shaded and exquisite Mongrel. I'm not one of your sham +meerschaums that you can color in a week. No, my complexion is the +patient art of eight generations. Well, in my own time, I had acquired a +lot of my kin--by purchase, and swapping around, and one way and another +--and was getting along very well. Then, with the inborn perversity of +your lineage, you got up a war, and took them all away from me. And so, +again am I bereft, again am I forlorn; no drop of my blood flows in the +veins of any living being who is marketable. + +O my friends, hear me and reform! I seek your good, not mine. You have +heard the speeches. Disband these New England societies--nurseries of a +system of steadily augmenting laudation and hosannaing, which; if +persisted in uncurbed, may some day in the remote future beguile you into +prevaricating and bragging. Oh, stop, stop, while you are still +temperate in your appreciation of your ancestors! Hear me, I beseech +you; get up an auction and sell Plymouth Rock! The Pilgrims were a +simple and ignorant race. They never had seen any good rocks before, or +at least any that were not watched, and so they were excusable for +hopping ashore in frantic delight and clapping an iron fence around this +one. But you, gentlemen, are educated; you are enlightened; you know +that in the rich land of your nativity, opulent New England, overflowing +with rocks, this one isn't worth, at the outside, more than thirty-five +cents. Therefore, sell it, before it is injured by exposure, or at least +throw it open to the patent-medicine advertisements, and let it earn its +taxes: + +Yes, hear your true friend-your only true friend--list to his voice. +Disband these societies, hotbeds of vice, of moral decay--perpetuators of +ancestral superstition. Here on this board I see water, I see milk, I +see the wild and deadly lemonade. These are but steps upon the downward +path. Next we shall see tea, then chocolate, then coffee--hotel coffee. +A few more years--all too few, I fear--mark my words, we shall have +cider! Gentlemen, pause ere it be too late. You are on the broad road +which leads to dissipation, physical ruin, moral decay, gory crime and +the gallows! I beseech you, I implore you, in the name of your anxious +friends, in the name of your suffering families, in the name of your +impending widows and orphans, stop ere it be too late. Disband these New +England societies, renounce these soul-blistering saturnalia, cease from +varnishing the rusty reputations of your long-vanished ancestors--the +super-high-moral old iron-clads of Cape Cod, the pious buccaneers of +Plymouth Rock--go home, and try to learn to behave! + +However, chaff and nonsense aside, I think I honor and appreciate your +Pilgrim stock as much as you do yourselves, perhaps; and I endorse and +adopt a sentiment uttered by a grandfather of mine once--a man of sturdy +opinions, of sincere make of mind, and not given to flattery. He said: +"People may talk as they like about that Pilgrim stock, but, after all's +said and done, it would be pretty hard to improve on those people; and, +as for me, I don't mind coming out flatfooted and saying there ain't any +way to improve on them--except having them born in, Missouri!" + + + + + + +COMPLIMENTS AND DEGREES + + DELIVERED AT THE LOTOS CLUB, JANUARY 11, 1908 + + In introducing Mr. Clemens, Frank R. Lawrence, the President + of the Lotos Club, recalled the fact that the first club dinner + in the present club-house, some fourteen years ago, was in + honor of Mark Twain. + +I wish to begin this time at the beginning, lest I forget it altogether; +that is to say, I wish to thank you for this welcome that you are giving, +and the welcome which you gave me seven years ago, and which I forgot to +thank you for at that time. I also wish to thank you for the welcome you +gave me fourteen years ago, which I also forgot to thank you for at the +time. + +I hope you will continue this custom to give me a dinner every seven +years before I join the hosts in the other world--I do not know which +world. + +Mr. Lawrence and Mr. Porter have paid me many compliments. It is very +difficult to take compliments. I do not care whether you deserve the +compliments or not, it is just as difficult to take them. The other +night I was at the Engineers' Club, and enjoyed the sufferings of +Mr. Carnegie. They were complimenting him there; there it was all +compliments, and none of them deserved. They say that you cannot live +by bread alone, but I can live on compliments. + +I do not make any pretence that I dislike compliments. The stronger the +better, and I can manage to digest them. I think I have lost so much by +not making a collection of compliments, to put them away and take them +out again once in a while. When in England I said that I would start to +collect compliments, and I began there and I have brought some of them +along. + +The first one of these lies--I wrote them down and preserved them-- +I think they are mighty good and extremely just. It is one of Hamilton +Mabie's compliments. He said that La Salle was the first one to make a +voyage of the Mississippi, but Mark Twain was the first to chart, light, +and navigate it for the whole world. + +If that had been published at the time that I issued that book [Life on +the Mississippi], it would have been money in my pocket. I tell you, it +is a talent by itself to pay compliments gracefully and have them ring +true. It's an art by itself. + +Here is another compliment by Albert Bigelow Paine, my biographer. He is +writing four octavo volumes about me, and he has been at my elbow two and +one-half years. + +I just suppose that he does not know me, but says he knows me. He says +"Mark Twain is not merely a great writer, a great philosopher, a great +man; he is the supreme expression of the human being, with his strength +and his weakness." What a talent for compression! It takes a genius in +compression to compact as many facts as that. + +W. D. Howells spoke of me as first of Hartford, and ultimately of the +solar system, not to say of the universe: + +You know how modest Howells is. If it can be proved that my fame reaches +to Neptune and Saturn; that will satisfy even me. You know how modest +and retiring Howells seems to be, but deep down he is as vain as I am. + +Mr. Howells had been granted a degree at Oxford, whose gown was red. +He had been invited to an exercise at Columbia, and upon inquiry had been +told that it was usual to wear the black gown: Later he had found that +three other men wore bright gowns, and he had lamented that he had been +one of the black mass, and not a red torch. + +Edison wrote: "The average American loves his family. If he has any love +left over for some other person, he generally selects Mark Twain." + +Now here's the compliment of a little Montana girl which came to me +indirectly. She was in a room in which there was a large photograph of +me. After gazing at it steadily for a time, she said: + +"We've got a John the Baptist like that." She also said: "Only ours has +more trimmings." + +I suppose she meant the halo. Now here is a gold-miner's compliment. +It is forty-two years old. It was my introduction to an audience to +which I lectured in a log school-house. There were no ladies there. +I wasn't famous then. They didn't know me. Only the miners were there, +with their breeches tucked into their boottops and with clay all over +them. They wanted some one to introduce me, and they selected a miner, +who protested, saying: + +"I don't know anything about this man. Anyhow, I only know two things +about him. One is, he has never been in jail, and the other is, I don't +know why." + +There's one thing I want to say about that English trip. I knew his +Majesty the King of England long years ago, and I didn't meet him for the +first time then. One thing that I regret was that some newspapers said +I talked with the Queen of England with my hat on. I don't do that with +any woman. I did not put it on until she asked me to. Then she told me +to put it on, and it's a command there. I thought I had carried my +American democracy far enough. So I put it on. I have no use for a hat, +and never did have. + +Who was it who said that the police of London knew me? Why, the police +know me everywhere. There never was a day over there when a policeman +did not salute me, and then put up his hand and stop the traffic of the +world. They treated me as though I were a duchess. + +The happiest experience I had in England was at a dinner given in the +building of the Punch publication, a humorous paper which is appreciated +by all Englishmen. It was the greatest privilege ever allowed a +foreigner. I entered the dining-room of the building, where those men +get together who have been running the paper for over fifty years. We +were about to begin dinner when the toastmaster said: "Just a minute; +there ought to be a little ceremony." Then there was that meditating +silence for a while, and out of a closet there came a beautiful little +girl dressed in pink, holding in her hand a copy of the previous week's +paper, which had in it my cartoon. It broke me all up. I could not even +say "Thank you." That was the prettiest incident of the dinner, the +delight of all that wonderful table. When she was about to go; I said, +"My child, you are not going to leave me; I have hardly got acquainted +with you." She replied, "You know I've got to go; they never let me come +in here before, and they never will again." That is one of the beautiful +incidents that I cherish. + + [At the conclusion of his speech, and while the diners were + still cheering him, Colonel Porter brought forward the red-and- + gray gown of the Oxford "doctor," and Mr. Clemens was made to + don it. The diners rose to their feet in their enthusiasm. + With the mortar-board on his head, and looking down admiringly + at himself, Mr. Twain said--] + +I like that gown. I always did like red. The redder it is the better +I like it. I was born for a savage. Now, whoever saw any red like this? +There is no red outside the arteries of an archangel that could compare +with this. I know you all envy me. I am going to have luncheon shortly +with ladies just ladies. I will be the only lady of my sex present, and +I shall put on this gown and make those ladies look dim. + + + + + + +BOOKS, AUTHORS, AND HATS + + ADDRESS AT THE PILGRIMS' CLUB LUNCHEON, GIVEN IN HONOR OF Mr. + CLEMENS AT THE SAVOY HOTEL, LONDON, JUNE 25, 1907. + + Mr. Birrell, M.P., Chief-Secretary for Ireland, in introducing + Mr. Clemens said: "We all love Mark Twain, and we are here to + tell him so. One more point--all the world knows it, and that + is why it is dangerous to omit it--our guest is a distinguished + citizen of the Great Republic beyond the seas. In America his + 'Huckleberry Finn' and his 'Tom Sawyer' are what 'Robinson + Crusoe' and 'Tom Brown's School Days' have been to us. They + are racy of the soil. They are books to which it is impossible + to place any period of termination. I will not speak of the + classics--reminiscences of much evil in our early lives. We do + not meet here to-day as critics with our appreciations and + depreciations, our twopenny little prefaces or our forewords. + I am not going to say what the world a thousand years hence + will think of Mark Twain. Posterity will take care of itself, + will read what it wants to read, will forget what it chooses to + forget, and will pay no attention whatsoever to our critical + mumblings and jumblings. Let us therefore be content to say to + our friend and guest that we are here speaking for ourselves + and for our children, to say what he has been to us. I + remember in Liverpool, in 1867, first buying the copy, which I + still preserve, of the celebrated 'Jumping Frog.' It had a few + words of preface which reminded me then that our guest in those + days was called 'the wild humorist of the Pacific slope,' and a + few lines later down, 'the moralist of the Main.' That was + some forty years ago. Here he is, still the humorist, still + the moralist. His humor enlivens and enlightens his morality, + and his morality is all the better for his humor. That is one + of the reasons why we love him. I am not here to mention any + book of his--that is a subject of dispute in my family circle, + which is the best and which is the next best--but I must put in + a word, lest I should not be true to myself--a terrible thing-- + for his Joan of Arc, a book of chivalry, of nobility, and of + manly sincerity for which I take this opportunity of thanking + him. But you can all drink this toast, each one of you with + his own intention. You can get into it what meaning you like. + Mark Twain is a man whom English and Americans do well to + honor. He is the true consolidator of nations. His delightful + humor is of the kind which dissipates and destroys national + prejudices. His truth and his honor, his love of truth, and + his love of honor, overflow all boundaries. He has made the + world better by his presence. We rejoice to see him here. + Long may he live to reap the plentiful harvest of hearty, + honest human affection!" + +Pilgrims, I desire first to thank those undergraduates of Oxford. When a +man has grown so old as I am, when he has reached the verge of seventy- +two years, there is nothing that carries him back to the dreamland of his +life, to his boyhood, like recognition of those young hearts up yonder. +And so I thank them out of my heart. I desire to thank the Pilgrims of +New York also for their kind notice and message which they have cabled +over here. Mr. Birrell says he does not know how he got here. But he +will be able to get away all right--he has not drunk anything since he +came here. I am glad to know about those friends of his, Otway and +Chatterton--fresh, new names to me. I am glad of the disposition he has +shown to rescue them from the evils of poverty, and if they are still in +London, I hope to have a talk with them. For a while I thought he was +going to tell us the effect which my book had upon his growing manhood. +I thought he was going to tell us how much that effect amounted to, and +whether it really made him what he now is, but with the discretion born +of Parliamentary experience he dodged that, and we do not know now +whether he read the book or not. He did that very neatly. I could not +do it any better myself. + +My books have had effects, and very good ones, too, here and there, and +some others not so good. There is no doubt about that. But I remember +one monumental instance of it years and years ago. Professor Norton, of +Harvard, was over here, and when he came back to Boston I went out with +Howells to call on him. Norton was allied in some way by marriage with +Darwin. + +Mr. Norton was very gentle in what he had to say, and almost delicate, +and he said: "Mr. Clemens, I have been spending some time with Mr. Darwin +in England, and I should like to tell you something connected with that +visit. You were the object of it, and I myself would have been very +proud of it, but you may not be proud of it. At any rate, I am going to +tell you what it was, and to leave to you to regard it as you please. +Mr. Darwin took me up to his bedroom and pointed out certain things +there-pitcher-plants, and so on, that he was measuring and watching from +day to day--and he said: 'The chambermaid is permitted to do what she +pleases in this room, but she must never touch those plants and never +touch those books on that table by that candle. With those books I read +myself to sleep every night.' Those were your own books." I said: +"There is no question to my mind as to whether I should regard that as a +compliment or not. I do regard it as a very great compliment and a very +high honor that that great mind, laboring for the whole human race, +should rest itself on my books. I am proud that he should read himself +to sleep with them." + +Now, I could not keep that to myself--I was so proud of it. As soon as I +got home to Hartford I called up my oldest friend--and dearest enemy on +occasion--the Rev. Joseph Twichell, my pastor, and I told him about that, +and, of course, he was full of interest and venom. Those people who get +no compliments like that feel like that. He went off. He did not issue +any applause of any kind, and I did not hear of that subject for some +time. But when Mr. Darwin passed away from this life, and some time +after Darwin's Life and Letters came out, the Rev. Mr. Twichell procured +an early copy of that work and found something in it which he considered +applied to me. He came over to my house--it was snowing, raining, +sleeting, but that did not make any difference to Twichell. He produced +the book, and turned over and over, until he came to a certain place, +when he said: "Here, look at this letter from Mr. Darwin to Sir Joseph +Hooker." What Mr. Darwin said--I give you the idea and not the very +words--was this: I do not know whether I ought to have devoted my whole +life to these drudgeries in natural history and the other sciences or +not, for while I may have gained in one way I have lost in another. Once +I had a fine perception and appreciation of high literature, but in me +that quality is atrophied. "That was the reason," said Mr. Twichell, "he +was reading your books." + +Mr. Birrell has touched lightly--very lightly, but in not an +uncomplimentary way--on my position in this world as a moralist. I am +glad to have that recognition, too, because I have suffered since I have +been in this town; in the first place, right away, when I came here, from +a newsman going around with a great red, highly displayed placard in the +place of an apron. He was selling newspapers, and there were two +sentences on that placard which would have been all right if they had +been punctuated; but they ran those two sentences together without a +comma or anything, and that would naturally create a wrong impression, +because it said, "Mark Twain arrives Ascot Cup stolen." No doubt many a +person was misled by those sentences joined together in that unkind way. +I have no doubt my character has suffered from it. I suppose I ought to +defend my character, but how can I defend it? I can say here and now-- +and anybody can see by my face that I am sincere, that I speak the truth- +-that I have never seen that Cup. I have not got the Cup--I did not have +a chance to get it. I have always had a good character in that way. I +have hardly ever stolen anything, and if I did steal anything I had +discretion enough to know about the value of it first. I do not steal +things that are likely to get myself into trouble. I do not think any of +us do that. I know we all take things--that is to be expected--but +really, I have never taken anything, certainly in England, that amounts +to any great thing. I do confess that when I was here seven years ago I +stole a hat, but that did not amount to anything. It was not a good hat, +and was only a clergyman's hat, anyway. + +I was at a luncheon party, and Archdeacon Wilberforce was there also. I +dare say he is Archdeacon now--he was a canon then--and he was serving in +the Westminster battery, if that is the proper term--I do not know, as +you mix military and ecclesiastical things together so much. He left the +luncheon table before I did. He began this. I did steal his hat, but he +began by taking mine. I make that interjection because I would not +accuse Archdeacon Wilberforce of stealing my hat--I should not think of +it. I confine that phrase to myself. He merely took my hat. +And with good judgment, too--it was a better hat than his. He came out +before the luncheon was over, and sorted the hats in the hall, and +selected one which suited. It happened to be mine. He went off with it. +When I came out by-and-by there was no hat there which would go on my +head except his, which was left behind. My head was not the customary +size just at that time. I had been receiving a good many very nice and +complimentary attentions, and my head was a couple of sizes larger than +usual, and his hat just suited me. The bumps and corners were all right +intellectually. There were results pleasing to me--possibly so to him. +He found out whose hat it was, and wrote me saying it was pleasant that +all the way home, whenever he met anybody his gravities, his solemnities, +his deep thoughts, his eloquent remarks were all snatched up by the +people he met, and mistaken for brilliant humorisms. + +I had another experience. It was not unpleasing. I was received with a +deference which was entirely foreign to my experience by everybody whom I +met, so that before I got home I had a much higher opinion of myself than +I have ever had before or since. And there is in that very connection an +incident which I remember at that old date which is rather melancholy to +me, because it shows how a person can deteriorate in a mere seven years. +It is seven years ago. I have not that hat now. I was going down Pall- +Mall, or some other of your big streets, and I recognized that that hat +needed ironing. I went into a big shop and passed in my hat, and asked +that it might be ironed. They were courteous, very courteous, even +courtly. They brought that hat back to me presently very sleek and nice, +and I asked how much there was to pay. They replied that they did not +charge the clergy anything. I have cherished the delight of that moment +from that day to this. It was the first thing I did the other day to go +and hunt up that shop and hand in my hat to have it ironed. I said when +it came back, "How much to pay?" They said, "Ninepence." In seven years +I have acquired all that worldliness, and I am sorry to be back where I +was seven years ago. + +But now I am chaffing and chaffing and chaffing here, and I hope you will +forgive me for that; but when a man stands on the verge of seventy-two +you know perfectly well that he never reached that place without knowing +what this life is heart-breaking bereavement. And so our reverence is +for our dead. We do not forget them; but our duty is toward the living; +and if we can be cheerful, cheerful in spirit, cheerful in speech and in +hope, that is a benefit to those who are around us. + +My own history includes an incident which will always connect me with +England in a pathetic way, for when I arrived here seven years ago with +my wife and my daughter--we had gone around the globe lecturing to raise +money to clear off a debt--my wife and one of my daughters started across +the ocean to bring to England our eldest daughter. She was twenty four +years of age and in the bloom of young womanhood, and we were +unsuspecting. When my wife and daughter--and my wife has passed from +this life since--when they had reached mid Atlantic, a cablegram--one of +those heartbreaking cablegrams which we all in our days have to +experience--was put into my hand. It stated that that daughter of ours +had gone to her long sleep. And so, as I say, I cannot always be +cheerful, and I cannot always be chaffing; I must sometimes lay the cap +and bells aside, and recognize that I am of the human race like the rest, +and must have my cares and griefs. And therefore I noticed what Mr. +Birrell said--I was so glad to hear him say it--something that was in the +nature of these verses here at the top of this: + + "He lit our life with shafts of sun + And vanquished pain. + Thus two great nations stand as one + In honoring Twain." + +I am very glad to have those verses. I am very glad and very grateful +for what Mr. Birrell said in that connection. I have received since I +have been here, in this one week, hundreds of letters from all conditions +of people in England--men, women, and children--and there is in them +compliment, praise, and, above all and better than all, there is in them +a note of affection. Praise is well, compliment is well, but affection +--that is the last and final and most precious reward that any man can +win, whether by character or achievement, and I am very grateful to have +that reward. All these letters make me feel that here in England--as in +America--when I stand under the English flag, I am not a stranger. I am +not an alien, but at home. + + + + + + +DEDICATION SPEECH + + AT THE DEDICATION OF THE COLLEGE OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, + MAY 16, 1908 + + Mr. Clemens wore his gown as Doctor of Laws, Oxford University. + Ambassador Bryce and Mr. Choate had made the formal addresses. + +How difficult, indeed, is the higher education. Mr. Choate needs a +little of it. He is not only short as a statistician of New York, but he +is off, far off, in his mathematics. The four thousand citizens of +Greater New York, indeed! + +But I don't think it was wise or judicious on the part of Mr. Choate to +show this higher education he has obtained. He sat in the lap of that +great education (I was there at the time), and see the result--the +lamentable result. Maybe if he had had a sandwich here to sustain him +the result would not have been so serious. + +For seventy-two years I have been striving to acquire that higher +education which stands for modesty and diffidence, and it doesn't work. + +And then look at Ambassador Bryce, who referred to his alma mater, +Oxford. He might just as well have included me. Well, I am a later +production. + +If I am the latest graduate, I really and sincerely hope I am not the +final flower of its seven centuries; I hope it may go on for seven ages +longer. + + + + + + +DIE SCHRECKEN DER DEUTSCHEN SPRACHE [THE HORRORS OF THE GERMAN LANGUAGE] + + ADDRESS TO THE VIENNA PRESS CLUB, NOVEMBER 21, 1897, + DELIVERED IN GERMAN [Here in literal translation] + +It has me deeply touched, my gentlemen, here so hospitably received to +be. From colleagues out of my own profession, in this from my own home +so far distant land. My heart is full of gratitude, but my poverty of +German words forces me to greater economy of expression. Excuse you, my +gentlemen, that I read off, what I you say will. [But he didn't read]. + +The German language speak I not good, but have numerous connoisseurs me +assured that I her write like an angel. Maybe--maybe--I know not. Have +till now no acquaintance with the angels had. That comes later--when it +the dear God please--it has no hurry. + +Since long, my gentlemen, have I the passionate longing nursed a speech +on German to hold, but one has me not permitted. Men, who no feeling for +the art had, laid me ever hindrance in the way and made naught my desire +--sometimes by excuses, often by force. Always said these men to me: +"Keep you still, your Highness! Silence! For God's sake seek another +way and means yourself obnoxious to make." + +In the present case, as usual it is me difficult become, for me the +permission to obtain. The committee sorrowed deeply, but could me the +permission not grant on account of a law which from the Concordia demands +she shall the German language protect. Du liebe Zeit! How so had one to +me this say could--might--dared--should? I am indeed the truest friend +of the German language--and not only now, but from long since--yes, +before twenty years already. And never have I the desire had the noble +language to hurt; to the contrary, only wished she to improve--I would +her only reform. It is the dream of my life been. I have already visits +by the various German governments paid and for contracts prayed. I am +now to Austria in the same task come. I would only some changes effect. +I would only the language method--the luxurious, elaborate construction +compress, the eternal parenthesis suppress, do away with, annihilate; the +introduction of more than thirteen subjects in one sentence forbid; the +verb so far to the front pull that one it without a telescope discover +can. With one word, my gentlemen, I would your beloved language simplify +so that, my gentlemen, when you her for prayer need, One her yonder-up +understands. + +I beseech you, from me yourself counsel to let, execute these mentioned +reforms. Then will you an elegant language possess, and afterward, when +you some thing say will, will you at least yourself understand what you +said had. But often nowadays, when you a mile-long sentence from you +given and you yourself somewhat have rested, then must you have a +touching inquisitiveness have yourself to determine what you actually +spoken have. Before several days has the correspondent of a local paper +a sentence constructed which hundred and twelve words contain, and +therein were seven parentheses smuggled in, and the subject seven times +changed. Think you only, my gentlemen, in the course of the voyage of a +single sentence must the poor, persecuted, fatigued subject seven times +change position! + +Now, when we the mentioned reforms execute, will it no longer so bad be. +Doch noch eins. I might gladly the separable verb also a little bit +reform. I might none do let what Schiller did: he has the whole history +of the Thirty Years' War between the two members of a separable verb in- +pushed. That has even Germany itself aroused, and one has Schiller the +permission refused the History of the Hundred Years' War to compose--God +be it thanked! After all these reforms established be will, will the +German language the noblest and the prettiest on the world be. + +Since to you now, my gentlemen, the character of my mission known is, +beseech I you so friendly to be and to me your valuable help grant. +Mr. Potzl has the public believed make would that I to Vienna come am in +order the bridges to clog up and the traffic to hinder, while I +observations gather and note. Allow you yourselves but not from him +deceived. My frequent presence on the bridges has an entirely innocent +ground. Yonder gives it the necessary space, yonder can one a noble long +German sentence elaborate, the bridge-railing along, and his whole +contents with one glance overlook. On the one end of the railing pasted +I the first member of a separable verb and the final member cleave I to +the other end--then spread the body of the sentence between it out! +Usually are for my purposes the bridges of the city long enough; when I +but Potzl's writings study will I ride out and use the glorious endless +imperial bridge. But this is a calumny; Potzl writes the prettiest +German. Perhaps not so pliable as the mine, but in many details much +better. Excuse you these flatteries. These are well deserved. + +Now I my speech execute--no, I would say I bring her to the close. I am a +foreigner--but here, under you, have I it entirely forgotten. And so +again and yet again proffer I you my heartiest thanks. + + + + + + +GERMAN FOR THE HUNGARIANS + + ADDRESS AT THE JUBILEE CELEBRATION OF THE EMANCIPATION OF THE + HUNGARIAN PRESS, MARCH 26, 1899 + + The Ministry and members of Parliament were present. The + subject was the "Ausgleich"--i. e., the arrangement for the + apportionment of the taxes between Hungary and Austria. + Paragraph 14 of the ausgleich fixes the proportion each country + must pay to the support of the army. It is the paragraph which + caused the trouble and prevented its renewal. + +Now that we are all here together, I think it will be a good idea to +arrange the ausgleich. If you will act for Hungary I shall be quite +willing to act for Austria, and this is the very time for it. There +couldn't be a better, for we are all feeling friendly, fair-minded, and +hospitable now, and, full of admiration for each other, full of +confidence in each other, full of the spirit of welcome, full of the +grace of forgiveness, and the disposition to let bygones be bygones. + +Let us not waste this golden, this beneficent, this providential +opportunity. I am willing to make any concession you want, just so we +get it settled. I am not only willing to let grain come in free, I am +willing to pay the freight on it, and you may send delegates to the +Reichsrath if you like. All I require is that they shall be quiet, +peaceable people like your own deputies, and not disturb our proceedings. + +If you want the Gegenseitigengeldbeitragendenverhaltnismassigkeiten +rearranged and readjusted I am ready for that. I will let you off at +twenty-eight per cent.--twenty-seven--even twenty-five if you insist, +for there is nothing illiberal about me when I am out on a diplomatic +debauch. + +Now, in return for these concessions, I am willing to take anything in +reason, and I think we may consider the business settled and the +ausgleich ausgegloschen at last for ten solid years, and we will sign the +papers in blank, and do it here and now. + +Well, I am unspeakably glad to have that ausgleich off my hands. It has +kept me awake nights for anderthalbjahr. + +But I never could settle it before, because always when I called at the +Foreign Office in Vienna to talk about it, there wasn't anybody at home, +and that is not a place where you can go in and see for yourself whether +it is a mistake or not, because the person who takes care of the front +door there is of a size that discourages liberty of action and the free +spirit of investigation. To think the ausgleich is abgemacht at last! +It is a grand and beautiful consummation, and I am glad I came. + +The way I feel now I do honestly believe I would rather be just my own +humble self at this moment than paragraph 14. + + + + + + +A NEW GERMAN WORD + + To aid a local charity Mr. Clemens appeared before a + fashionable audience in Vienna, March 10, 1899, reading his + sketch "The Lucerne Girl," and describing how he had been + interviewed and ridiculed. He said in part: + +I have not sufficiently mastered German, to allow my using it with +impunity. My collection of fourteen-syllable German words is still +incomplete. But I have just added to that collection a jewel-- +a veritable jewel. I found it in a telegram from Linz, and it contains +ninety-five letters: + +Personaleinkommensteuerschatzungskommissionsmitgliedsreisekostenrechnungs +erganzungsrevisionsfund + +If I could get a similar word engraved upon my tombstone I should sleep +beneath it in peace. + + + + + + +UNCONSCIOUS PLAGIARISM + + DELIVERED AT THE DINNER GIVEN BY THE PUBLISHERS OF "THE + ATLANTIC MONTHLY" TO OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES, IN HONOR OF HIS + SEVENTIETH BIRTHDAY, AUGUST 29, 1879 + +I would have travelled a much greater distance than I have come to +witness the paying of honors to Doctor Holmes; for my feeling toward him +has always been one of peculiar warmth. When one receives a letter from +a great man for the first time in his life, it is a large event to him, +as all of you know by your own experience. You never can receive letters +enough from famous men afterward to obliterate that one, or dim the +memory of the pleasant surprise it was, and the gratification it gave +you. Lapse of time cannot make it commonplace or cheap. + +Well, the first great man who ever wrote me a letter was our guest-- +Oliver Wendell Holmes. He was also the first great literary man I ever +stole anything from--and that is how I came to write to him and he to me. +When my first book was new, a friend of mine said to me, "The dedication +is very neat." Yes, I said, I thought it was. My friend said, "I always +admired it, even before I saw it in The Innocents Abroad." I naturally +said: "What do you mean? Where did you ever see it before?" "Well, I +saw it first some years ago as Doctor Holmes's dedication to his Songs in +Many Keys." Of course, my first impulse was to prepare this man's +remains for burial, but upon reflection I said I would reprieve him for a +moment or two and give him a chance to prove his assertion if he could: +We stepped into a book-store, and he did prove it. I had really stolen +that dedication, almost word for word. I could not imagine how this +curious thing had happened; for I knew one thing--that a certain amount +of pride always goes along with a teaspoonful of brains, and that this +pride protects a man from deliberately stealing other people's ideas. +That is what a teaspoonful of brains will do for a man--and admirers had +often told me I had nearly a basketful--though they were rather reserved +as to the size of the basket. + +However, I thought the thing out, and solved the mystery. Two years +before, I had been laid up a couple of weeks in the Sandwich Islands, and +had read and re-read Doctor Holmes's poems till my mental reservoir was +filled up with them to the brim. The dedication lay on the top, and +handy, so, by-and-by, I unconsciously stole it. Perhaps I unconsciously +stole the rest of the volume, too, for many people have told me that my +book was pretty poetical, in one way or another. Well, of course, I +wrote Doctor Holmes and told him I hadn't meant to steal, and he wrote +back and said in the kindest way that it was all right and no harm done; +and added that he believed we all unconsciously worked over ideas +gathered in reading and hearing, imagining they were original with +ourselves. He stated a truth, and did it in such a pleasant way, and +salved over my sore spot so gently and so healingly, that I was rather +glad I had committed the crime, far the sake of the letter. I afterward +called on him and told him to make perfectly free with any ideas of mine +that struck him as being good protoplasm for poetry. He could see by +that that there wasn't anything mean about me; so we got along right from +the start. I have not met Doctor Holmes many times since; and lately he +said--However, I am wandering wildly away from the one thing which I got +on my feet to do; that is, to make my compliments to you, my fellow- +teachers of the great public, and likewise to say that I am right glad to +see that Doctor Holmes is still in his prime and full of generous life; +and as age is not determined by years, but by trouble and infirmities of +mind and body, I hope it may be a very long time yet before any one can +truthfully say, "He is growing old." + + + + + + +THE WEATHER + + ADDRESS AT THE NEW ENGLAND SOCIETY'S SEVENTY FIRST + ANNUAL DINNER, NEW YORK CITY + +The next toast was: "The Oldest Inhabitant-The Weather of New England." + + "Who can lose it and forget it? + Who can have it and regret it? + Be interposer 'twixt us Twain." + --Merchant of Venice. + +I reverently believe that the Maker who made us all makes everything in +New England but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it +must be raw apprentices in the weather-clerk's factory who experiment and +learn how, in New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted +to make weather for countries that require a good article, and will take +their custom elsewhere if they don't get it. There is a sumptuous +variety about the New England weather that compels the stranger's +admiration--and regret. The weather is always doing something there; +always attending strictly to business; always getting up new designs and +trying them on the people to see how they will go. But it gets through +more business in spring than in any other season. In the spring I have +counted one hundred and thirty-six different kinds of weather inside of +four-and-twenty hours. It was I that made the fame and fortune of that +man that had that marvellous collection of weather on exhibition at the +Centennial, that so astounded the foreigners. He was going to travel all +over the world and get specimens from all the climes. I said, "Don't you +do it; you come to New England on a favorable spring day." I told him +what we could do in the way of style, variety, and quantity. Well, he +came and he made his collection in four days. As to variety, why, he +confessed that he got hundreds of kinds of weather that he had never +heard of before. And as to quantity well, after he had picked out and +discarded all that was blemished in any way, he not only had weather +enough, but weather to spare; weather to hire out; weather to sell; to +deposit; weather to invest; weather to give to the poor. The people of +New England are by nature patient and forbearing, but there are some +things which they will not stand. Every year they kill a lot of poets +for writing about "Beautiful Spring." These are generally casual +visitors, who bring their notions of spring from somewhere else, and +cannot, of course, know how the natives feel about spring. And so the +first thing they know the opportunity to inquire how they feel has +permanently gone by. Old Probabilities has a mighty reputation for +accurate prophecy, and thoroughly well deserves it. You take up the +paper and observe how crisply and confidently he checks off what to-day's +weather is going to be on the Pacific, down South, in the Middle States, +in the Wisconsin region. See him sail along in the joy and pride of his +power till he gets to New England, and then see his tail drop. +He doesn't know what the weather is going to be in New England. +Well, he mulls over it, and by and-by he gets out something about like +this: Probably northeast to southwest winds, varying to the southward +and westward and eastward, and points between, high and low barometer +swapping around from place to place; probable areas of rain, snow, hail, +and drought, succeeded or preceded by earthquakes, with thunder and +lightning. Then he jots down his postscript from his wandering mind, to +cover accidents. "But it is possible that the programme may be wholly +changed in the mean time." Yes, one of the brightest gems in the New +England weather is the dazzling uncertainty of it. There is only one +thing certain about it: you are certain there is going to be plenty of +it--a perfect grand review; but you never can tell which end of the +procession is going to move first. You fix up for the drought; you leave +your umbrella in the house and sally out, and two to one you get +drowned. You make up your mind that the earthquake is due; you stand +from under, and take hold of something to steady yourself, and the first +thing you know you get struck by lightning. These are great +disappointments; but they can't be helped. The lightning there is +peculiar; it is so convincing, that when it strikes a thing it doesn't +leave enough of that thing behind for you to tell whether--Well, you'd +think it was something valuable, and a Congressman had been there. +And the thunder. When the thunder begins to merely tune up and scrape +and saw, and key up the instruments for the performance, strangers say, +"Why, what awful thunder you have here!" But when the baton is raised and +the real concert begins, you'll find that stranger down in the cellar +with his head in the ash-barrel. Now as to the size of the weather in +New England--lengthways, I mean. It is utterly disproportioned to the +size of that little country. Half the time, when it is packed as full as +it can stick, you will see that New England weather sticking out beyond +the edges and projecting around hundreds and hundreds of miles over the +neighboring States. She can't hold a tenth part of her weather. You can +see cracks all about where she has strained herself trying to do it. +I could speak volumes about the inhuman perversity of the New England +weather, but I will give but a single specimen. I like to hear rain on a +tin roof. So I covered part of my roof with tin, with an eye to that +luxury. Well, sir, do you think it ever rains on that tin? No, sir; +skips it every time. Mind, in this speech I have been trying merely to +do honor to the New England weather--no language could do it justice. +But, after all, there is at least one or two things about that weather +(or, if you please, effects produced by it) which we residents would not +like to part with. If we hadn't our bewitching autumn foliage, we should +still have to credit the weather with one feature which compensates for +all its bullying vagaries--the ice-storm: when a leafless tree is clothed +with ice from the bottom to the top--ice that is as bright and clear as +crystal; when every bough and twig is strung with ice-beads, frozen dew- +drops, and the whole tree sparkles cold and white, like the Shah of +Persia's diamond plume. Then the wind waves the branches and the sun +comes out and turns all those myriads of beads and drops to prisms that +glow and burn and flash with all manner of colored fires, which change +and change again with inconceivable rapidity from blue to red, from red +to green, and green to gold--the tree becomes a spraying fountain, a very +explosion of dazzling jewels; and it stands there the acme, the climax, +the supremest possibility in art or nature, of bewildering, intoxicating, +intolerable magnificence. One cannot make the words too strong. + + + + + + +THE BABIES + +THE BABIES + + DELIVERED AT THE BANQUET, IN CHICAGO, GIVEN BY THE ARMY OF THE + TENNESSEE TO THEIR FIRST COMMANDER, GENERAL U. S. GRANT, + NOVEMBER, 1879 + + The fifteenth regular toast was "The Babies.--As they comfort + us in our sorrows, let us not forget them in our festivities." + +I like that. We have not all had the good fortune to be ladies. We have +not all been generals, or poets, or statesmen; but when the toast works +down to the babies, we stand on common ground. It is a shame that for a +thousand years the world's banquets have utterly ignored the baby, as if +he didn't amount to anything. If you will stop and think a minute--if +you will go back fifty or one hundred years to your early married life +and recontemplate your first baby--you will remember that he amounted to +a good deal, and even something over. You soldiers all know that when +that little fellow arrived at family headquarters you had to hand in your +resignation. He took entire command. You became his lackey, his mere +body-servant, and you had to stand around too. He was not a commander +who made allowances for time, distance, weather, or anything else. You +had to execute his order whether it was possible or not. And there was +only one form of marching in his manual of tactics, and that was the +double-quick. He treated you with every sort of insolence and +disrespect, and the bravest of you didn't dare to say a word. You could +face the death-storm at Donelson and Vicksburg, and give back blow for +blow; but when he clawed your whiskers, and pulled your hair, and twisted +your nose, you had to take it. When the thunders of war were sounding in +your ears you set your faces toward the batteries, and advanced with +steady tread; but when he turned on the terrors of his war whoop you +advanced in the other direction, and mighty glad of the chance, too. +When he called for soothing-syrup, did you venture to throw out any side- +remarks about certain services being unbecoming an officer and a +gentleman? No. You got up and got it. When he ordered his pap bottle +and it was not warm, did you talk back? Not you. You went to work and +warmed it. You even descended so far in your menial office as to take a +suck at that warm, insipid stuff yourself, to see if it was right--three +parts water to one of milk, a touch of sugar to modify the colic, and a +drop of peppermint to kill those immortal hiccoughs. I can taste that +stuff yet. And how many things you learned as you went along! +Sentimental young folks still take stock in that beautiful old saying +that when the baby smiles in his sleep, it is because the angels are +whispering to him. Very pretty, but too thin--simply wind on the +stomach, my friends. If the baby proposed to take a walk at his usual +hour, two o'clock in the morning, didn't you rise up promptly and remark, +with a mental addition which would not improve a Sunday-school book much, +that that was the very thing you were about to propose yourself? Oh! +you were under good discipline, and as you went fluttering up and down +the room in your undress uniform, you not only prattled undignified baby- +talk, but even tuned up your martial voices and tried to sing!--Rock a-by +Baby in the Tree-top, for instance. What a spectacle far an Army of the +Tennessee! And what an affliction for the neighbors, too; for it is not +everybody within, a mile around that likes military music at three in the +morning. And, when you had been keeping this sort of thing up two or +three hours, and your little velvet head intimated that nothing suited +him like exercise and noise, what did you do? You simply went on until +you dropped in the last ditch. The idea that a baby doesn't amount to +anything! Why, one baby is just a house and a front yard full by itself. +One baby can, furnish more business than you and your whole Interior +Department can attend to. He is enterprising, irrepressible, brimful of +lawless activities. Do what you please, you can't make him stay on the +reservation. Sufficient unto the day is one baby. As long as you are in +your right mind don't you ever pray for twins. Twins amount to a +permanent riot. And there ain't any real difference between triplets and +an insurrection. + +Yes, it was high time for a toast-master to recognize the importance of +the babies. Think what is in store for the present crop! Fifty years +from now we shall all be dead, I trust, and then this flag, if it still +survive (and let us hope it may), will be floating over a Republic +numbering 200,000,000 souls, according to the settled laws of our +increase. Our present schooner of State will have grown into a political +leviathan--a Great Eastern. The cradled babies of to-day will be on +deck. Let them be well trained, for we are going to leave a big contract +on their hands. Among the three or four million cradles now rocking in +the land are some which this nation would preserve for ages as sacred +things, if we could know which ones they are. In one of these cradles +the unconscious Farragut of the future is at this moment teething think +of it! and putting in a world of dead earnest, unarticulated, but +perfectly justifiable profanity over it, too. In another the future +renowned astronomer is blinking at the shining Milky Way with but a +languid interest poor little chap!--and wondering what has become of that +other one they call the wet-nurse. In another the future great historian +is lying--and doubtless will continue to lie until his earthly mission is +ended. In another the future President is busying himself with no +profounder problem of state than what the mischief has become of his hair +so early; and in a mighty array of other cradles there are now some +60,000 future office-seekers, getting ready to furnish him occasion to +grapple with that same old problem a second, time. And in still one more +cradle, some where under the flag, the future illustrious commander-in- +chief of the American armies is so little burdened with his approaching +grandeurs and responsibilities as to be giving his whole strategic mind +at this moment to trying to find out some way to get his big toe into his +mouth--an achievement which, meaning no disrespect, the illustrious guest +of this evening turned his entire attention to some fifty-six years ago; +and if the child is but a prophecy of the man, there are mighty few who +will doubt that he succeeded. + + + + + + +OUR CHILDREN AND GREAT DISCOVERIES + + DELIVERED AT THE AUTHORS' CLUB, NEW YORK + +Our children--yours--and--mine. They seem like little things to talk +about--our children, but little things often make up the sum of human +life--that's a good sentence. I repeat it, little things often produce +great things. Now, to illustrate, take Sir Isaac Newton--I presume some +of you have heard of Mr. Newton. Well, once when Sir Isaac Newton-- +a mere lad--got over into the man's apple orchard--I don't know what he +was doing there--I didn't come all the way from Hartford to q-u-e-s-t-i- +o-n Mr. Newton's honesty--but when he was there--in the main orchard-- +he saw an apple fall and he was a-t-t-racted toward it, and that led to +the discovery--not of Mr. Newton but of the great law of attraction and +gravitation. + +And there was once another great discoverer--I've forgotten his name, +and I don't remember what he discovered, but I know it was something very +important, and I hope you will all tell your children about it when you +get home. Well, when the great discoverer was once loafn' around down in +Virginia, and a-puttin' in his time flirting with Pocahontas--oh! +Captain John Smith, that was the man's name--and while he and Poca were +sitting in Mr. Powhatan's garden, he accidentally put his arm around her +and picked something simple weed, which proved to be tobacco--and now we +find it in every Christian family, shedding its civilizing influence +broadcast throughout the whole religious community. + +Now there was another great man, I can't think of his name either, who +used to loaf around and watch the great chandelier in the cathedral at +Pisa., which set him to thinking about the great law of gunpowder, and +eventually led to the discovery of the cotton-gin. + +Now, I don't say this as an inducement for our young men to loaf around +like Mr. Newton and Mr. Galileo and Captain Smith, but they were once +little babies two days old, and they show what little things have +sometimes accomplished. + + + + + + +EDUCATING THEATRE-GOERS + + The children of the Educational Alliance gave a performance of + "The Prince and the Pauper" on the afternoon of April 14, 1907, + in the theatre of the Alliance Building in East Broadway. The + audience was composed of nearly one thousand children of the + neighborhood. Mr. Clemens, Mr. Howells, and Mr. Daniel Frohman + were among the invited guests. + +I have not enjoyed a play so much, so heartily, and so thoroughly since I +played Miles Hendon twenty-two years ago. I used to play in this piece +(" The Prince and the Pauper") with my children, who, twenty-two years +ago, were little youngsters. One of my daughters was the Prince, and a +neighbor's daughter was the Pauper, and the children of other neighbors +played other parts. But we never gave such a performance as we have seen +here to-day. It would have been beyond us. + +My late wife was the dramatist and stage-manager. Our coachman was the +stage-manager, second in command. We used to play it in this simple way, +and the one who used to bring in the crown on a cushion--he was a little +fellow then--is now a clergyman way up high--six or seven feet high--and +growing higher all the time. We played it well, but not as well as you +see it here, for you see it done by practically trained professionals. + +I was especially interested in the scene which we have just had, for +Miles Hendon was my part. I did it as well as a person could who never +remembered his part. The children all knew their parts. They did not +mind if I did not know mine. I could thread a needle nearly as well as +the player did whom you saw to-day. The words of my part I could supply +on the spot. The words of the song that Miles Hendon sang here I did not +catch. But I was great in that song. + + [Then Mr. Clemens hummed a bit of doggerel that the reporter + made out as this: + + "There was a woman in her town, + She loved her husband well, + But another man just twice as well." + + "How is that?" demanded Mr. Clemens. Then resuming] + +It was so fresh and enjoyable to make up a new set of words each time +that I played the part. + +If I had a thousand citizens in front of me, I would like to give them +information, but you children already know all that I have found out +about the Educational Alliance. It's like a man living within thirty +miles of Vesuvius and never knowing about a volcano. It's like living +for a lifetime in Buffalo, eighteen miles from Niagara, and never going +to see the Falls. So I had lived in New York and knew nothing about the +Educational Alliance. + +This theatre is a part of the work, and furnishes pure and clean plays. +This theatre is an influence. Everything in the world is accomplished by +influences which train and educate. When you get to be seventy-one and a +half, as I am, you may think that your education is over, but it isn't. + +If we had forty theatres of this kind in this city of four millions, how +they would educate and elevate! We should have a body of educated +theatre-goers. + +It would make better citizens, honest citizens. One of the best gifts a +millionaire could make would be a theatre here and a theatre there. It +would make of you a real Republic, and bring about an educational level. + + + + + + +THE EDUCATIONAL THEATRE + + On November 19, 1907, Mr. Clemens entertained a party of six or + seven hundred of his friends, inviting them to witness the + representation of "The Prince and the Pauper," flayed by boys + and girls of the East Side at the Children's Educational + Theatre, New York. + +Just a word or two to let you know how deeply I appreciate the honor +which the children who are the actors and frequenters of this cozy +playhouse have conferred upon me. They have asked me to be their +ambassador to invite the hearts and brains of New York to come down here +and see the work they are doing. I consider it a grand distinction to be +chosen as their intermediary. Between the children and myself there is +an indissoluble bond of friendship. + +I am proud of this theatre and this performance--proud, because I am +naturally vain--vain of myself and proud of the children. + +I wish we could reach more children at one time. I am glad to see that +the children of the East Side have turned their backs on the Bowery +theatres to come to see the pure entertainments presented here. + +This Children's Theatre is a great educational institution. I hope the +time will come when it will be part of every public school in the land. +I may be pardoned in being vain. I was born vain, I guess. [At this +point the stage-manager's whistle interrupted Mr. Clemens.] That settles +it; there's my cue to stop. I was to talk until the whistle blew, but it +blew before I got started. It takes me longer to get started than most +people. I guess I was born at slow speed. My time is up, and if you'll +keep quiet for two minutes I'll tell you something about Miss Herts, the +woman who conceived this splendid idea. She is the originator and the +creator of this theatre. Educationally, this institution coins the gold +of young hearts into external good. + + + [On April 23, 1908, he spoke again at the same place] + +I will be strictly honest with you; I am only fit to be honorary +president. It is not to be expected that I should be useful as a real +president. But when it comes to things ornamental I, of course, have no +objection. There is, of course, no competition. I take it as a very +real compliment because there are thousands of children who have had a +part in this request. It is promotion in truth. + +It is a thing worth doing that is done here. You have seen the children +play. You saw how little Sally reformed her burglar. She could reform +any burglar. She could reform me. This is the only school in which can +be taught the highest and most difficult lessons--morals. In other +schools the way of teaching morals is revolting. Here the children who +come in thousands live through each part. + +They are terribly anxious for the villain to get his bullet, and that I +take to be a humane and proper sentiment. They spend freely the ten +cents that is not saved without a struggle. It comes out of the candy +money, and the money that goes for chewing-gum and other necessaries of +life. They make the sacrifice freely. This is the only school which +they are sorry to leave. + + + + + + +POETS AS POLICEMEN + + Mr. Clemens was one of the speakers at the Lotos Club dinner to + Governor Odell, March 24, 1900. The police problem was + referred to at length. + +Let us abolish policemen who carry clubs and revolvers, and put in a +squad of poets armed to the teeth with poems on Spring and Love. I would +be very glad to serve as commissioner, not because I think I am +especially qualified, but because I am too tired to work and would like +to take a rest. + +Howells would go well as my deputy. He is tired too, and needs a rest +badly. + +I would start in at once to elevate, purify, and depopulate the red-light +district. I would assign the most soulful poets to that district, +all heavily armed with their poems. Take Chauncey Depew as a sample. +I would station them on the corners after they had rounded up all the +depraved people of the district so they could not escape, and then have +them read from their poems to the poor unfortunates. The plan would be +very effective in causing an emigration of the depraved element. + + + + + + +PUDD'NHEAD WILSON DRAMATIZED + + When Mr. Clemens arrived from Europe in 1895 one of the first + things he did was to see the dramatization of Pudd'nhead + Wilson. The audience becoming aware of the fact that Mr. + Clemens was in the house called upon him for a speech. + +Never in my life have I been able to make a speech without preparation, +and I assure you that this position in which I find myself is one totally +unexpected. + +I have been hemmed in all day by William Dean Howells and other frivolous +persons, and I have been talking about everything in the world except +that of which speeches are constructed. Then, too, seven days on the +water is not conducive to speech-making. I will only say that I +congratulate Mr. Mayhew; he has certainly made a delightful play out of +my rubbish. His is a charming gift. Confidentially I have always had +an idea that I was well equipped to write plays, but I have never +encountered a manager who has agreed with me. + + + + + + +DALY THEATRE + + ADDRESS AT A DINNER AFTER THE ONE HUNDREDTH PERFORMANCE OF + "THE TAMING OF THE SHREW." + + Mr. Clemens made the following speech, which he incorporated + afterward in Following the Equator. + +I am glad to be here. This is the hardest theatre in New York to get +into, even at the front door. I never, got in without hard work. I am +glad we have got so far in at last. Two or three years ago I had an +appointment to meet Mr. Daly on the stage of this theatre at eight +o'clock in the evening. Well, I got on a train at Hartford to come to +New York and keep the appointment. All I had to do was to come to the +back door of the theatre on Sixth Avenue. I did not believe that; I did +not believe it could be on Sixth Avenue, but that is what Daly's note +said--come to that door, walk right in, and keep the appointment. It +looked very easy. It looked easy enough, but I had not much confidence +in the Sixth Avenue door. + +Well, I was kind of bored on the train, and I bought some newspapers--New +Haven newspapers--and there was not much news in them, so I read the +advertisements. There was one advertisement of a bench-show. I had +heard of bench-shows, and I often wondered what there was about them to +interest people. I had seen bench-shows--lectured to bench-shows, in +fact--but I didn't want to advertise them or to brag about them. Well, +I read on a little, and learned that a bench-show was not a bench-show +--but dogs, not benches at all--only dogs. I began to be interested, +and as there was nothing else to do I read every bit of the +advertisement, and learned that the biggest thing in this show was a St. +Bernard dog that weighed one hundred and forty-five pounds. Before I got +to New York I was so interested in the bench-shows that I made up my mind +to go to one the first chance I got. Down on Sixth Avenue, near where +that back door might be, I began to take things leisurely. I did not +like to be in too much of a hurry. There was not anything in sight that +looked like a back door. The nearest approach to it was a cigar store. +So I went in and bought a cigar, not too expensive, but it cost enough to +pay for any information I might get and leave the dealer a fair profit. +Well, I did not like to be too abrupt, to make the man think me crazy, by +asking him if that was the way to Daly's Theatre, so I started gradually +to lead up to the subject, asking him first if that was the way to Castle +Garden. When I got to the real question, and he said he would show me +the way, I was astonished. He sent me through a long hallway, and I +found myself in a back yard. Then I went through a long passageway and +into a little room, and there before my eyes was a big St. Bernard dog +lying on a bench. There was another door beyond and I went there, and +was met by a big, fierce man with a fur cap on and coat off, who +remarked, "Phwat do yez want?" I told him I wanted to see Mr. Daly. +"Yez can't see Mr. Daly this time of night," he responded. I urged that +I had an appointment with Mr. Daly, and gave him my card, which did not +seem to impress him much. "Yez can't get in and yez can't shmoke here. +Throw away that cigar. If yez want to see Mr. Daly, yez 'll have to be +after going to the front door and buy a ticket, and then if yez have luck +and he's around that way yez may see him." I was getting discouraged, +but I had one resource left that had been of good service in similar +emergencies. Firmly but kindly I told him my name was Mark Twain, and I +awaited results. There was none. He was not fazed a bit. "Phwere's +your order to see Mr. Daly?" he asked. I handed him the note, and he +examined it intently. "My friend," I remarked, "you can read that better +if you hold it the other side up." But he took no notice of the +suggestion, and finally asked: "Where's Mr. Daly's name?" "There it is," +I told him, "on the top of the page." "That's all right," he said, +"that's where he always puts it; but I don't see the 'W' in his name," +and he eyed me distrustfully. Finally, he asked, "Phwat do yez want to +see Mr. Daly for?" "Business." "Business?" "Yes." It was my only +hope. "Phwat kind--theatres?" that was too much. "No." "What kind of +shows, then?" "Bench-shows." It was risky, but I was desperate." +Bench--shows, is it--where?" The big man's face changed, and he began to +look interested. "New Haven." "New Haven, it is? Ah, that's going to +be a fine show. I'm glad to see you. Did you see a big dog in the other +room?" "Yes." "How much do you think that dog weighs?" "One hundred +and forty-five pounds." "Look at that, now! He's a good judge of dogs, +and no mistake. He weighs all of one hundred and thirty-eight. Sit down +and shmoke--go on and shmoke your cigar, I'll tell Mr. Daly you are +here." In a few minutes I was on the stage shaking hands with Mr. Daly, +and the big man standing around glowing with satisfaction. "Come around +in front," said Mr. Daly, "and see the performance. I will put you into +my own box." And as I moved away I heard my honest friend mutter, "Well, +he desarves it." + + + + + + +THE DRESS OF CIVILIZED WOMAN + +A large part of the daughter of civilization is her dress--as it should +be. Some civilized women would lose half their charm without dress, and +some would lose all of it. The daughter Of modern civilization dressed +at her utmost best is a marvel of exquisite and beautiful art and +expense. All the lands, all the climes, and all the arts are laid under +tribute to furnish her forth. Her linen is from Belfast, her robe is +from Paris, her lace is from Venice, or Spain, or France, her feathers +are from the remote regions of Southern Africa, her furs from the remoter +region of the iceberg and the aurora, her fan from Japan, her diamonds +from Brazil, her bracelets from California, her pearls from Ceylon, her +cameos from Rome. She has gems and trinkets from buried Pompeii, and +others that graced comely Egyptian forms that have been dust and ashes +now for forty centuries. Her watch is from Geneva, her card case is from +China, her hair is from--from--I don't know where her hair is from; I +never could find out; that is, her other hair--her public hair, her +Sunday hair; I don't mean the hair she goes to bed with. + +And that reminds me of a trifle. Any time you want to you can glance +around the carpet of a Pullman car, and go and pick up a hair-pin; but +not to save your life can you get any woman in that car to acknowledge +that hair-pin. Now, isn't that strange? But it's true. The woman who +has never swerved from cast-iron veracity and fidelity in her whole life +will, when confronted with this crucial test, deny her hair-pin. She +will deny that hair-pin before a hundred witnesses. I have stupidly got +into more trouble and more hot water trying to hunt up the owner of a +hair-pin in a Pullman than by any other indiscretion of my life. + + + + + + +DRESS REFORM AND COPYRIGHT + + When the present copyright law was under discussion, Mr. + Clemens appeared before the committee. He had sent Speaker + Cannon the following letter: + + "DEAR UNCLE JOSEPH,--Please get me the thanks of Congress, not + next week but right away. It is very necessary. Do accomplish + this for your affectionate old friend right away-- + by, persuasion if you can, by violence if you must, for it is + imperatively necessary that I get on the floor of the House for + two or three hours and talk to the members, man by man, in + behalf of support; encouragement, and protection of one of the + nation's most valuable assets and industries--its literature. + I have arguments with me--also a barrel with liquid in it. + + "Give me a chance. Get me the thanks of Congress. Don't wait + for others--there isn't time; furnish them to me yourself and + let Congress ratify later. I have stayed away and let Congress + alone for seventy-one years and am entitled to the thanks. + Congress knows this perfectly well, and I have long felt hurt + that this quite proper and earned expression of gratitude has + been merely felt by the House and never publicly uttered. + + "Send me an order on the sergeant-at-arms quick. When shall I + come? + "With love and a benediction, + "MARK TWAIN." + + + While waiting to appear before the committee, My. Clemens + talked to the reporters: + +Why don't you ask why I am wearing such apparently unseasonable clothes? +I'll tell you. I have found that when a man reaches the advanced age of +seventy-one years, as I have, the continual sight of dark clothing is +likely to have a depressing effect upon him. Light-colored clothing is +more pleasing to the eye and enlivens the spirit. Now, of course, I +cannot compel every one to wear such clothing just for my especial +benefit, so I do the next best thing and wear it myself. + +Of course, before a man reaches my years the fear of criticism might +prevent him from indulging his fancy. I am not afraid of that. I am +decidedly for pleasing color combinations in dress. I like to see the +women's clothes, say, at the opera. What can be more depressing than the +sombre black which custom requires men to wear upon state occasions? +A group of men in evening clothes looks like a flock of crows, and is +just about as inspiring. + +After all, what is the purpose of clothing? Are not clothes intended +primarily to preserve dignity and also to afford comfort to their wearer? +Now I know of nothing more uncomfortable than the present-day clothes of +men. The finest clothing made is a person's own skin, but, of course, +society demands something more than this. + +The best-dressed man I have ever seen, however, was a native of the +Sandwich Islands who attracted my attention thirty years ago. Now, when +that man wanted to don especial dress to honor a public occasion or a +holiday, why, he occasionally put on a pair of spectacles. Otherwise the +clothing with which God had provided him sufficed. + +Of course, I have ideas of dress reform. For one thing, why not adopt +some of the women's styles? Goodness knows, they adopt enough of ours. +Take the peek-a-boo waist, for instance. It has the obvious advantages +of being cool and comfortable, and in addition it is almost always made +up in pleasing colors which cheer and do not depress. + +It is true that I dressed the Connecticut Yankee at King Arthur's Court +in a plug-hat, but, let's see, that was twenty-five years ago. Then no +man was considered fully dressed until he donned a plug-hat. Nowadays I +think that no man is dressed until he leaves it home. Why, when I left +home yesterday they trotted out a plug-hat for me to wear. + +"You must wear it," they told me; "why, just think of going to Washington +without a plug-hat!" But I said no; I would wear a derby or nothing. +Why, I believe I could walk along the streets of New York--I never do-- +but still I think I could--and I should never see a well-dressed man +wearing a plug-hat. If I did I should suspect him of something. I don't +know just what, but I would suspect him. + +Why, when I got up on the second story of that Pennsylvania ferry-boat +coming down here yesterday I saw Howells coming along. He was the only +man on the boat with a plug-hat, and I tell you he felt ashamed of +himself. He said he had been persuaded to wear it against his better +sense. But just think of a man nearly seventy years old who has not a +mind of his own on such matters! + +"Are you doing any work now?" the youngest and most serious reporter +asked. + +Work? I retired from work on my seventieth birthday. Since then I have +been putting in merely twenty-six hours a day dictating my autobiography, +which, as John Phoenix said in regard to his autograph, may be relied +upon as authentic, as it is written exclusively by me. But it is not to +be published in full until I am thoroughly dead. I have made it as +caustic, fiendish, and devilish as possible. It will fill many volumes, +and I shall continue writing it until the time comes for me to join the +angels. It is going to be a terrible autobiography. It will make the +hair of some folks curl. But it cannot be published until I am dead, and +the persons mentioned in it and their children and grandchildren are +dead. It is something awful! + +"Can you tell us the names of some of the notables that are here to see +you off?" + +I don't know. I am so shy. My shyness takes a peculiar phase. I never +look a person in the face. The reason is that I am afraid they may know +me and that I may not know them, which makes it very embarrassing for +both of us. I always wait for the other person to speak. I know lots of +people, but I don't know who they are. It is all a matter of ability to +observe things. I never observe anything now. I gave up the habit years +ago. You should keep a habit up if you want to become proficient in it. +For instance, I was a pilot once, but I gave it up, and I do not believe +the captain of the Minneapolis would let me navigate his ship to London. +Still, if I think that he is not on the job I may go up on the bridge and +offer him a few suggestions. + + + + + + +COLLEGE GIRLS + + Five hundred undergraduates, under the auspices of the Woman's + University Club, New York, welcomed Mr. Clemens as their guest, + April 3, 1906, and gave him the freedom of the club, which the + chairman explained was freedom to talk individually to any girl + present. + +I've worked for the public good thirty years, so for the rest of my life +I shall work for my personal contentment. I am glad Miss Neron has fed +me, for there is no telling what iniquity I might wander into on an empty +stomach--I mean, an empty mind. + +I am going to tell you a practical story about how once upon a time I was +blind--a story I should have been using all these months, but I never +thought about telling it until the other night, and now it is too late, +for on the nineteenth of this month I hope to take formal leave of the +platform forever at Carnegie Hall--that is, take leave so far as talking +for money and for people who have paid money to hear me talk. I shall +continue to infest the platform on these conditions--that there is nobody +in the house who has paid to hear me, that I am not paid to be heard, and +that there will be none but young women students in the audience. [Here +Mr. Clemens told the story of how he took a girl to the theatre while he +was wearing tight boots, which appears elsewhere in this volume, and +ended by saying: "And now let this be a lesson to you--I don't know what +kind of a lesson; I'll let you think it out."] + + + + + + +GIRLS + +In my capacity of publisher I recently received a manuscript from a +teacher which embodied a number of answers given by her pupils to +questions propounded. These answers show that the children had nothing +but the sound to go by--the sense was perfectly empty. Here are some of +their answers to words they were asked to define: Auriferous--pertaining +to an orifice; ammonia--the food of the gods; equestrian--one who asks +questions; parasite--a kind of umbrella; ipecaca--man who likes a good +dinner. And here is the definition of an ancient word honored by a great +party: Republican--a sinner mentioned in the Bible. And here is an +innocent deliverance of a zoological kind: "There are a good many donkeys +in the theological gardens." Here also is a definition which really +isn't very bad in its way: Demagogue--a vessel containing beer and other +liquids. Here, too, is a sample of a boy's composition on girls, which, +I must say, I rather like: + +"Girls are very stuckup and dignified in their manner and behaveyour. +They think more of dress than anything and like to play with dowls and +rags. They cry if they see a cow in a far distance and are afraid of +guns. They stay at home all the time and go to church every Sunday. +They are al-ways sick. They are al-ways furry and making fun of boys +hands and they say how dirty. They cant play marbles. I pity them poor +things. They make fun of boys and then turn round and love them. +I don't belave they ever kiled a cat or anything. They look out every +nite and say, 'Oh, a'nt the moon lovely!'--Thir is one thing I have not +told and that is they al-ways now their lessons bettern boys." + + + + + + +THE LADIES + + DELIVERED AT THE ANNIVERSARY FESTIVAL, 1872, OF THE SCOTTISH + CORPORATION OF LONDON + + Mr. Clemens replied to the toast "The Ladies." + +I am proud, indeed, of the distinction of being chosen to respond to this +especial toast, to "The Ladies," or to women if you please, for that is +the preferable term, perhaps; it is certainly the older, and therefore +the more entitled to reverence. I have noticed that the Bible, with that +plain, blunt honesty which is such a conspicuous characteristic of the +Scriptures, is always particular to never refer to even the illustrious +mother of all mankind as a "lady," but speaks of her as a woman. It is +odd, but you will find it is so. I am peculiarly proud of this honor, +because I think that the toast to women is one which, by right and by +every rule of gallantry, should take precedence of all others--of the +army, of the navy, of even royalty itself--perhaps, though the latter is +not necessary in this day and in this land, for the reason that, tacitly, +you do drink a broad general health to all good women when you drink the +health of the Queen of England and the Princess of Wales. I have in mind +a poem just now which is familiar to you all, familiar to everybody. And +what an inspiration that was, and how instantly the present toast recalls +the verses to all our minds when the most noble, the most gracious, the +purest, and sweetest of all poets says: + + "Woman! O woman!---er + Wom----" + +However, you remember the lines; and you remember how feelingly, how +daintily, how almost imperceptibly the verses raise up before you, +feature by feature, the ideal of a true and perfect woman; and how, as +you contemplate the finished marvel, your homage grows into worship of +the intellect that could create so fair a thing out of mere breath, mere +words. And you call to mind now, as I speak, how the poet, with stern +fidelity to the history of all humanity, delivers this beautiful child of +his heart and his brain over to the trials and sorrows that must come to +all, sooner or later, that abide in the earth, and how the pathetic story +culminates in that apostrophe--so wild, so regretful, so full of mournful +retrospection. The lines run thus: + + "Alas!--alas!--a--alas! + ----Alas!--------alas!" + +--and so on. I do not remember the rest; but, taken together, it seems +to me that poem is the noblest tribute to woman that human genius has +ever brought forth--and I feel that if I were to talk hours I could not +do my great theme completer or more graceful justice than I have now done +in simply quoting that poet's matchless words. The phases of the womanly +nature are infinite in their variety. Take any type of woman, and you +shall find in it something to respect, something to admire, something to +love. And you shall find the whole joining you heart and hand. Who was +more patriotic than Joan of Arc? Who was braver? Who has given us a +grander instance of self-sacrificing devotion? Ah! you remember, you +remember well, what a throb of pain, what a great tidal wave of grief +swept over us all when Joan of Arc fell at Waterloo. Who does not sorrow +for the loss of Sappho, the sweet singer of Israel? Who among us does +not miss the gentle ministrations, the softening influences, the humble +piety of Lucretia Borgia? Who can join in the heartless libel that says +woman is extravagant in dress when he can look back and call to mind our +simple and lowly mother Eve arrayed in her modification of the Highland +costume? Sir, women have been soldiers, women have been painters, women +have been poets. As long as language lives the name of Cleopatra will +live. And not because she conquered George III.--but because she wrote +those divine lines: + + "Let dogs delight to bark and bite, + For God hath made them so." + +The story of the world is adorned with the names of illustrious ones of +our own sex--some of, them sons of St. Andrew, too--Scott, Bruce, Burns, +the warrior Wallace, Ben Nevis--the gifted Ben Lomond, and the great new +Scotchman, Ben Disraeli.--[Mr. Benjamin Disraeli, at that time Prime +Minister of England, had just been elected Lord Rector of Glasgow +University, and had made a speech which gave rise to a world of +discussion]--Out of the great plains of history tower whole mountain +ranges of sublime women: the Queen of Sheba, Josephine, Semiramis, Sairey +Gamp; the list is endless--but I will not call the mighty roll, the names +rise up in your own memories at the mere suggestion, luminous with the +glory of deeds that cannot die, hallowed by the loving worship of the +good and the true of all epochs and all climes. Suffice it for our pride +and our honor that we in our day have added to it such names as those of +Grace Darling and Florence Nightingale. Woman is all that she should be +gentle, patient, longsuffering, trustful, unselfish, full of generous +impulses. It is her blessed mission to comfort the sorrowing, plead for +the erring, encourage the faint of purpose, succor the distressed, uplift +the fallen, befriend the friendless--in a word, afford the healing of her +sympathies and a home in her heart for all the bruised and persecuted +children that knock at its hospitable door. And when I say, God bless +her, there is none among us who has known the ennobling affection of a +wife, or the steadfast devotion of a mother but in his heart will say, +Amen! + + + + + + +WOMAN'S PRESS CLUB + + On October 27, 1900, the New York Woman's Press Club gave a tea + in Carnegie Hall. Mr. Clemens was the guest of honor. + +If I were asked an opinion I would call this an ungrammatical nation. +There is no such thing as perfect grammar, and I don't always speak good +grammar myself. But I have been foregathering for the past few days with +professors of American universities, and I've heard them all say things +like this: "He don't like to do it." [There was a stir.] Oh, you'll hear +that to-night if you listen, or, "He would have liked to have done it." +You'll catch some educated Americans saying that. When these men take +pen in hand they write with as good grammar as any. But the moment they +throw the pen aside they throw grammatical morals aside with it. + +To illustrate the desirability and possibility of concentration, I must +tell you a story of my little six-year-old daughter. The governess had +been teaching her about the reindeer, and, as the custom was, she related +it to the family. She reduced the history of that reindeer to two or +three sentences when the governess could not have put it into a page. +She said: "The reindeer is a very swift animal. A reindeer once drew a +sled four hundred miles in two hours." She appended the comment: "This +was regarded as extraordinary." And concluded: "When that reindeer was +done drawing that sled four hundred miles in two hours it died." + +As a final instance of the force of limitations in the development of +concentration, I must mention that beautiful creature, Helen Keller, whom +I have known for these many years. I am filled with the wonder of her +knowledge, acquired because shut out from all distraction. If I could +have been deaf, dumb, and blind I also might have arrived at something. + + + + + + +VOTES FOR WOMEN + + AT THE ANNUAL MEETING OF THE HEBREW TECHNICAL SCHOOL FOR GIRLS, + HELD IN THE TEMPLE EMMANUEL, JANUARY 20, 1901 + + Mr. Clemens was introduced by President Meyer, who said: "In + one of Mr. Clemens's works he expressed his opinion of men, + saying he had no choice between Hebrew and Gentile, black men + or white; to him all men were alike. But I never could find + that he expressed his opinion of women; perhaps that opinion + was so exalted that he could not express it. We shall now be + called to hear what he thinks of women." + +LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,--It is a small help that I can afford, but it is +just such help that one can give as coming from the heart through the +mouth. The report of Mr. Meyer was admirable, and I was as interested in +it as you have been. Why, I'm twice as old as he, and I've had so much +experience that I would say to him, when he makes his appeal for help: +"Don't make it for to-day or to-morrow, but collect the money on the +spot." + +We are all creatures of sudden impulse. We must be worked up by steam, +as it were. Get them to write their wills now, or it may be too late by +-and-by. Fifteen or twenty years ago I had an experience I shall never +forget. I got into a church which was crowded by a sweltering and +panting multitude. The city missionary of our town--Hartford--made a +telling appeal for help. He told of personal experiences among the poor +in cellars and top lofts requiring instances of devotion and help. The +poor are always good to the poor. When a person with his millions gives +a hundred thousand dollars it makes a great noise in the world, but he +does not miss it; it's the widow's mite that makes no noise but does the +best work. + +I remember on that occasion in the Hartford church the collection was +being taken up. The appeal had so stirred me that I could hardly wait +for the hat or plate to come my way. I had four hundred dollars in my +pocket, and I was anxious to drop it in the plate and wanted to borrow +more. But the plate was so long in coming my way that the fever-heat of +beneficence was going down lower and lower--going down at the rate of a +hundred dollars a minute. The plate was passed too late. When it +finally came to me, my enthusiasm had gone down so much that I kept my +four hundred dollars--and stole a dime from the plate. So, you see, time +sometimes leads to crime. + +Oh, many a time have I thought of that and regretted it, and I adjure you +all to give while the fever is on you. + +Referring to woman's sphere in life, I'll say that woman is always right. +For twenty-five years I've been a woman's rights man. I have always +believed, long before my mother died, that, with her gray hairs and +admirable intellect, perhaps she knew as much as I did. Perhaps she knew +as much about voting as I. + +I should like to see the time come when women shall help to make the +laws. I should like to see that whip-lash, the ballot, in the hands of +women. As for this city's government, I don't want to say much, except +that it is a shame--a shame; but if I should live twenty-five years +longer--and there is no reason why I shouldn't--I think I'll see women +handle the ballot. If women had the ballot to-day, the state of things +in this town would not exist. + +If all the women in this town had a vote to-day they would elect a mayor +at the next election, and they would rise in their might and change the +awful state of things now existing here. + + + + + + +WOMAN-AN OPINION + + ADDRESS AT AN EARLY BANQUET OF THE WASHINGTON + CORRESPONDENTS' CLUB + + The twelfth toast was as follows: "Woman--The pride of any + profession, and the jewel of ours." + +MR. PRESIDENT,--I do not know why I should be singled out to receive the +greatest distinction of the evening--for so the office of replying to the +toast of woman has been regarded in every age. I do not know why I have +received his distinction, unless it be that I am a trifle less homely +than the other members of the club. But be this as it may, Mr. +President, I am proud of the position, and you could not have chosen any +one who would have accepted it more gladly, or labored with a heartier +good-will to do the subject justice than I--because, sir, I love the sex. +I love all the women, irrespective of age or color. + +Human intellect cannot estimate what we owe to woman, sir. She sews on +our buttons; she mends our clothes; she ropes us in at the church fairs; +she confides in us; she tells us whatever she can find out about the +little private affairs of the neighbors; she gives us good advice, and +plenty of it; she soothes our aching brows; she bears our children--ours +as a general thing. In all relations of life, sir, it is but a just and +graceful tribute to woman to say of her that she is a brick. + +Wheresoever you place woman, sir--in whatever position or estate--she is +an ornament to the place she occupies, and a treasure to the world. [Here +Mr. Clemens paused, looked inquiringly at his hearers, and remarked that +the applause should come in at this point. It came in. He resumed his +eulogy.] Look at Cleopatra! look at Desdemona!--look at Florence +Nightingale!--look at Joan of Arc!--look at Lucretia Borgia! +[Disapprobation expressed.] Well [said Mr. Clemens, scratching his head, +doubtfully], suppose we let Lucretia slide. Look at Joyce Heth!--look at +Mother Eve! You need not look at her unless you want to, but [said Mr. +Clemens, reflectively, after a pause] Eve was ornamental, sir-- +particularly before the fashions changed. I repeat, sir, look at the +illustrious names of history. Look at the Widow Machree!--look at Lucy +Stone!--look at Elizabeth Cady Stanton!--look at George Francis Train! +And, sir, I say it with bowed head and deepest veneration--look at the +mother of Washington! She raised a boy that could not tell a lie--could +not tell a lie! But he never had any chance. It might have been +different if he had belonged to the Washington Newspaper Correspondents' +Club. + +I repeat, sir, that in whatever position you place a woman she is an +ornament to society and a treasure to the world. As a sweetheart, she +has few equals and no superiors; as a cousin, she is convenient; as a +wealthy grandmother with an incurable distemper, she is precious; as a +wetnurse, she has no equal among men. + +What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be +scarce, sir, almighty scarce. Then let us cherish her; let us protect +her; let us give her our support, our encouragement, our sympathy, +ourselves--if we get a chance. + +But, jesting aside, Mr. President, woman is lovable, gracious, kind of +heart, beautiful--worthy of all respect, of all esteem, of all deference. +Not any here will refuse to drink her health right cordially in this +bumper of wine, for each and every one has personally known, and loved, +and honored the very best one of them all--his own mother. + + + + + + +ADVICE TO GIRLS + + In 1907 a young girl whom Mr. Clemens met on the steamer + Minnehaha called him "grandpa," and he called her his + granddaughter. She was attending St. Timothy's School, at + Catonsville, Maryland, and Mr. Clemens promised her to see her + graduate. He accordingly made the journey from New York on + June 10, 1909, and delivered a short address. + +I don't know what to tell you girls to do. Mr. Martin has told you +everything you ought to do, and now I must give you some don'ts. + +There are three things which come to my mind which I consider excellent +advice: + +First, girls, don't smoke--that is, don't smoke to excess. I am seventy- +three and a half years old, and have been smoking seventy-three of them. +But I never smoke to excess--that is, I smoke in moderation, only one +cigar at a time. + +Second, don't drink--that is, don't drink to excess. + +Third, don't marry--I mean, to excess. + +Honesty is the best policy. That is an old proverb; but you don't want +ever to forget it in your journey through life. + + + + + + +TAXES AND MORALS + +ADDRESS DELIVERED IN NEW YORK, JANUARY 22, 1906 + + At the twenty-fifth anniversary of the founding of Tuskeegee + Institute by Booker Washington, Mr. Choate presided, and in + introducing Mr. Clemens made fun of him because he made play + his work, and that when he worked hardest he did so lying in + bed. + +I came here in the responsible capacity of policeman to watch Mr. Choate. +This is an occasion of grave and serious importance, and it seems +necessary for me to be present, so that if he tried to work off any +statement that required correction, reduction, refutation, or exposure, +there would be a tried friend of the public to protect the house. He has +not made one statement whose veracity fails to tally exactly with my own +standard. I have never seen a person improve so. This makes me thankful +and proud of a country that can produce such men--two such men. And all +in the same country. We can't be with you always; we are passing away, +and then--well, everything will have to stop, I reckon. It is a sad +thought. But in spirit I shall still be with you. Choate, too--if he +can. + +Every born American among the eighty millions, let his creed or +destitution of creed be what it may, is indisputably a Christian--to this +degree that his moral constitution is Christian. + +There are two kinds of Christian morals, one private and the other +public. These two are so distinct, so unrelated, that they are no more +akin to each other than are archangels and politicians. During three +hundred and sixty-three days in the year the American citizen is true to +his Christian private morals, and keeps undefiled the nation's character +at its best and highest; then in the other two days of the year he leaves +his Christian private morals at home and carries his Christian public +morals to the tax office and the polls, and does the best he can to +damage and undo his whole year's faithful and righteous work. Without a +blush he will vote for an unclean boss if that boss is his party's Moses, +without compunction he will vote against the best man in the whole land +if he is on the other ticket. Every year in a number of cities and +States he helps put corrupt men in office, whereas if he would but throw +away his Christian public morals, and carry his Christian private morals +to the polls, he could promptly purify the public service and make the +possession of office a high and honorable distinction. + +Once a year he lays aside his Christian private morals and hires a ferry- +boat and piles up his bonds in a warehouse in New Jersey for three days, +and gets out his Christian public morals and goes to the tax office and +holds up his hands and swears he wishes he may never--never if he's got a +cent in the world, so help him. The next day the list appears in the +papers--a column and a quarter of names, in fine print, and every man in +the list a billionaire and member of a couple of churches. I know all +those people. I have friendly, social, and criminal relations with the +whole lot of them. They never miss a sermon when they are so's to be +around, and they never miss swearing-off day, whether they are so's to be +around or not. + +I used to be an honest man. I am crumbling. No--I have crumbled. When +they assessed me at $75,000 a fortnight ago I went out and tried to +borrow the money, and couldn't; then when I found they were letting a +whole crop of millionaires live in New York at a third of the price they +were charging me I was hurt, I was indignant, and said: "This is the last +feather. I am not going to run this town all by myself." In that +moment--in that memorable moment--I began to crumble. In fifteen minutes +the disintegration was complete. In fifteen minutes I had become just a +mere moral sand-pile; and I lifted up my hand along with those seasoned +and experienced deacons and swore off every rag of personal property I've +got in the world, clear down to cork leg, glass eye, and what is left of +my wig. + +Those tax officers were moved; they were profoundly moved. They had long +been accustomed to seeing hardened old grafters act like that, and they +could endure the spectacle; but they were expecting better things of me, +a chartered, professional moralist, and they were saddened. + +I fell visibly in their respect and esteem, and I should have fallen in +my own, except that I had already struck bottom, and there wasn't any +place to fall to. + +At Tuskeegee they will jump to misleading conclusions from insufficient +evidence, along with Doctor Parkhurst, and they will deceive the student +with the superstition that no gentleman ever swears. + +Look at those good millionaires; aren't they gentlemen? Well, they +swear. Only once in a year, maybe, but there's enough bulk to it to make +up for the lost time. And do they lose anything by it? No, they don't; +they save enough in three minutes to support the family seven years. +When they swear, do we shudder? No--unless they say "damn!" Then we do. +It shrivels us all up. Yet we ought not to feel so about it, because we +all swear--everybody. Including the ladies. Including Doctor Parkhurst, +that strong and brave and excellent citizen, but superficially educated. + +For it is not the word that is the sin, it is the spirit back of the +word. When an irritated lady says "oh!" the spirit back of it is "damn!" +and that is the way it is going to be recorded against her. It always +makes me so sorry when I hear a lady swear like that. But if she says +"damn," and says it in an amiable, nice way, it isn't going to be +recorded at all. + +The idea that no gentleman ever swears is all wrong; he can swear and +still be a gentleman if he does it in a nice and, benevolent and +affectionate way. The historian, John Fiske, whom I knew well and loved, +was a spotless and most noble and upright Christian gentleman, and yet he +swore once. Not exactly that, maybe; still, he--but I will tell you +about it. + +One day, when he was deeply immersed in his work, his wife came in, much +moved and profoundly distressed, and said: "I am sorry to disturb you, +John, but I must, for this is a serious matter, and needs to be attended +to at once." + +Then, lamenting, she brought a grave accusation against their little son. +She said: "He has been saying his Aunt Mary is a fool and his Aunt Martha +is a damned fool." Mr. Fiske reflected upon the matter a minute, then +said: "Oh, well, it's about the distinction I should make between them +myself." + +Mr. Washington, I beg you to convey these teachings to your great and +prosperous and most beneficent educational institution, and add them to +the prodigal mental and moral riches wherewith you equip your fortunate +proteges for the struggle of life. + + + + + + +TAMMANY AND CROKER + + Mr. Clemens made his debut as a campaign orator on October 7, + 1901, advocating the election of Seth Low for Mayor, not as a + Republican, but as a member of the "Acorns," which he described + as a "third party having no political affiliation, but was + concerned only in the selection of the best candidates and the + best member." + +Great Britain had a Tammany and a Croker a good while ago. This Tammany +was in India, and it began its career with the spread of the English +dominion after the Battle of Plassey. Its first boss was Clive, a +sufficiently crooked person sometimes, but straight as a yard stick +when compared with the corkscrew crookedness of the second boss, Warren +Hastings. + +That old-time Tammany was the East India Company's government, and had +its headquarters at Calcutta. Ostensibly it consisted of a Great Council +of four persons, of whom one was the Governor-General, Warren Hastings; +really it consisted of one person--Warren Hastings; for by usurpation he +concentrated all authority in himself and governed the country like an +autocrat. + +Ostensibly the Court of Directors, sitting in London and representing the +vast interests of the stockholders, was supreme in authority over the +Calcutta Great Council, whose membership it appointed and removed at +pleasure, whose policies it dictated, and to whom it conveyed its will in +the form of sovereign commands; but whenever it suited Hastings, he +ignored even that august body's authority and conducted the mighty +affairs of the British Empire in India to suit his own notions. + +At his mercy was the daily bread of every official, every trader, every +clerk, every civil servant, big and little, in the whole huge India +Company's machine, and the man who hazarded his bread by any failure of +subserviency to the boss lost it. + +Now then, let the supreme masters of British India, the giant corporation +of the India Company of London, stand for the voters of the city of New +York; let the Great Council of Calcutta stand for Tammany; let the +corrupt and money-grubbing great hive of serfs which served under the +Indian Tammany's rod stand for New York Tammany's serfs; let Warren +Hastings stand for Richard Croker, and it seems to me that the parallel +is exact and complete. And so let us be properly grateful and thank God +and our good luck that we didn't invent Tammany. + +Edmund Burke, regarded by many as the greatest orator of all times, +conducted the case against Warren Hastings in that renowned trial which +lasted years, and which promises to keep its renown for centuries to +come. I wish to quote some of the things he said. I wish to imagine him +arraigning Mr. Croker and Tammany before the voters of New York City and +pleading with them for the overthrow of that combined iniquity of the 5th +of November, and will substitute for "My Lords," read "Fellow-Citizens"; +for "Kingdom," read "City"; for "Parliamentary Process," read "Political +Campaign"; for "Two Houses," read "Two Parties," and so it reads: + +"Fellow--citizens, I must look upon it as an auspicious circumstance to +this cause, in which the honor of the city is involved, that from the +first commencement of our political campaign to this the hour of solemn +trial not the smallest difference of opinion has arisen, between the two +parties. + +"You will see, in the progress of this cause, that there is not only a +long, connected, systematic series of misdemeanors, but an equally +connected system of maxims and principles invented to justify them. +Upon both of these you must judge. + +"It is not only the interest of the city of New York, now the most +considerable part of the city of the Americans, which is concerned, but +the credit and honor of the nation itself will be decided by this +decision." + + At a later meeting of the Acorn Club, Mr. Clemens said: + +Tammany is dead, and there's no use in blackguarding a corpse. + +The election makes me think of a story of a man who was dying. He had +only two minutes to live, so he sent for a clergyman and asked him, +"Where is the best place to go to?" He was undecided about it. So the +minister told him that each place had its advantages--heaven for climate, +and hell for society. + + + + + + +MUNICIPAL CORRUPTION + + ADDRESS AT THE CITY CLUB DINNER, JANUARY 4,1901 + + Bishop Potter told how an alleged representative of Tammany + Hall asked him in effect if he would cease his warfare upon the + Police Department if a certain captain and inspector were + dismissed. He replied that he would never be satisfied until + the "man at the top" and the "system" which permitted evils in + the Police Department were crushed. + +The Bishop has just spoken of a condition of things which none of us can +deny, and which ought not to exist; that is, the lust of gain--a lust +which does not stop short of the penitentiary or the jail to accomplish +its ends. But we may be sure of one thing, and that is that this sort of +thing is not universal. If it were, this country would not be. You may +put this down as a fact: that out of every fifty men, forty-nine are +clean. Then why is it, you may ask, that the forty-nine don't have +things the way they want them? I'll tell you why it is. A good deal has +been said here to-night about what is to be accomplished by organization. +That's just the thing. It's because the fiftieth fellow and his pals are +organized and the other forty-nine are not that the dirty one rubs it +into the clean fellows every time. + +You may say organize, organize, organize; but there may be so much +organization that it will interfere with the work to be done. The Bishop +here had an experience of that sort, and told all about it down-town the +other night. He was painting a barn--it was his own barn--and yet he was +informed that his work must stop; he was a non-union painter, and +couldn't continue at that sort of job. + +Now, all these conditions of which you complain should be remedied, and I +am here to tell you just how to do it. I've been a statesman without +salary for many years, and I have accomplished great and widespread good. +I don't know that it has benefited anybody very much, even if it was +good; but I do know that it hasn't harmed me very much, and is hasn't +made me any richer. + +We hold the balance of power. Put up your best men for office, and we +shall support the better one. With the election of the best man for +Mayor would follow the selection of the best man for Police Commissioner +and Chief of Police. + +My first lesson in the craft of statesmanship was taken at an early age. +Fifty-one years ago I was fourteen years old, and we had a society in the +town I lived in, patterned after the Freemasons, or the Ancient Order of +United Farmers, or some such thing--just what it was patterned after +doesn't matter. It had an inside guard and an outside guard, and a past- +grand warden, and a lot of such things, so as to give dignity to the +organization and offices to the members. + +Generally speaking it was a pretty good sort of organization, and some of +the very best boys in the village, including--but I mustn't get personal +on an occasion like this--and the society would have got along pretty +well had it not been for the fact that there were a certain number of the +members who could be bought. They got to be an infernal nuisance. Every +time we had an election the candidates had to go around and see the +purchasable members. The price per vote was paid in doughnuts, and it +depended somewhat on the appetites of the individuals as to the price +of the votes. + +This thing ran along until some of us, the really very best boys in the +organization, decided that these corrupt practices must stop, and for the +purpose of stopping them we organized a third party. We had a name, but +we were never known by that name. Those who didn't like us called us the +Anti-Doughnut party, but we didn't mind that. + +We said: "Call us what you please; the name doesn't matter. We are +organized for a principle." By-and-by the election came around, and +we made a big mistake. We were triumphantly beaten. That taught us a +lesson. Then and there we decided never again to nominate anybody for +anything. We decided simply to force the other two parties in the +society to nominate their very best men. Although we were organized for +a principle, we didn't care much about that. Principles aren't of much +account anyway, except at election-time. After that you hang them up to +let them season. + +The next time we had an election we told both the other parties that we'd +beat any candidates put up by any one of them of whom we didn't approve. +In that election we did business. We got the man we wanted. I suppose +they called us the Anti-Doughnut party because they couldn't buy us with +their doughnuts. They didn't have enough of them. Most reformers arrive +at their price sooner or later, and I suppose we would have had our +price; but our opponents weren't offering anything but doughnuts, and +those we spurned. + +Now it seems to me that an Anti-Doughnut party is just what is wanted in +the present emergency. I would have the Anti-Doughnuts felt in every city +and hamlet and school district in this State and in the United States. +I was an Anti-Doughnut in my boyhood, and I'm an Anti-Doughnut still. +The modern designation is Mugwump. There used to be quite a number of us +Mugwumps, but I think I'm the only one left. I had a vote this fall, and +I began to make some inquiries as to what I had better do with it. + +I don't know anything about finance, and I never did, but I know some +pretty shrewd financiers, and they told me that Mr. Bryan wasn't safe on +any financial question. I said to myself, then, that it wouldn't do for +me to vote for Bryan, and I rather thought--I know now--that McKinley +wasn't just right on this Philippine question, and so I just didn't vote +for anybody. I've got that vote yet, and I've kept it clean, ready to +deposit at some other election. It wasn't cast for any wildcat financial +theories, and it wasn't cast to support the man who sends our boys as +volunteers out into the Philippines to get shot down under a polluted +flag. + + + + + + +MUNICIPAL GOVERNMENT + +ADDRESS AT THE ANNUAL DINNER OF THE ST. NICHOLAS SOCIETY, NEW YORK, +DECEMBER 6, 1900 + + Doctor Mackay, in his response to the toast "St. Nicholas," + referred to Mr. Clemens, saying:--"Mark Twain is as true a + preacher of true righteousness as any bishop, priest, or + minister of any church to-day, because he moves men to forget + their faults by cheerful well-doing instead of making them sour + and morbid by everlastingly bending their attention to the + seamy and sober side of life." + +MR. CHAIRMAN AND GENTLEMEN OF THE ST. NICHOLAS SOCIETY,--These are, +indeed, prosperous days for me. Night before last, in a speech, the +Bishop of the Diocese of New York complimented me for my contribution to +theology, and to-night the Reverend Doctor Mackay has elected me to the +ministry. I thanked Bishop Potter then for his compliment, and I thank +Doctor Mackay now for that promotion. I think that both have discerned +in me what I long ago discerned, but what I was afraid the world would +never learn to recognize. + +In this absence of nine years I find a great improvement in the city of +New York. I am glad to speak on that as a toast--"The City of New York." +Some say it has improved because I have been away. Others, and I agree +with them, say it has improved because I have come back. We must judge +of a city, as of a man, by its external appearances and by its inward +character. In externals the foreigner coming to these shores is more +impressed at first by our sky-scrapers. They are new to him. He has not +done anything of the sort since he built the tower of Babel. The +foreigner is shocked by them. + +In the daylight they are ugly. They are--well, too chimneyfied and too +snaggy--like a mouth that needs attention from a dentist; like a cemetery +that is all monuments and no gravestones. But at night, seen from the +river where they are columns towering against the sky, all sparkling with +light, they are fairylike; they are beauty more satisfactory to the soul +and more enchanting than anything that man has dreamed of since the +Arabian nights. We can't always have the beautiful aspect of things. +Let us make the most of our sights that are beautiful and let the others +go. When your foreigner makes disagreeable comments on New York by +daylight, float him down the river at night. + +What has made these sky-scrapers possible is the elevator. The cigar-box +which the European calls a "lift" needs but to be compared with our +elevators to be appreciated. The lift stops to reflect between floors. +That is all right in a hearse, but not in elevators. The American +elevator acts like the man's patent purge--it worked. As the inventor +said, "This purge doesn't waste any time fooling around; it attends +strictly to business." + +That New-Yorkers have the cleanest, quickest, and most admirable system +of street railways in the world has been forced upon you by the abnormal +appreciation you have of your hackman. We ought always to be grateful to +him for that service. Nobody else would have brought such a system into +existence for us. We ought to build him a monument. We owe him one as +much as we owe one to anybody. Let it be a tall one. Nothing permanent, +of course; build it of plaster, say. Then gaze at it and realize how +grateful we are--for the time being--and then pull it down and throw it +on the ash-heap. That's the way to honor your public heroes. + +As to our streets, I find them cleaner than they used to be. I miss +those dear old landmarks, the symmetrical mountain ranges of dust and +dirt that used to be piled up along the streets for the wind and rain to +tear down at their pleasure. Yes, New York is cleaner than Bombay. +I realize that I have been in Bombay, that I now am in New York; that it +is not my duty to flatter Bombay, but rather to flatter New York. + +Compared with the wretched attempts of London to light that city, New +York may fairly be said to be a well-lighted city. Why, London's attempt +at good lighting is almost as bad as London's attempt at rapid transit. +There is just one good system of rapid transit in London--the "Tube," and +that, of course, had been put in by Americans. Perhaps, after a while, +those Americans will come back and give New York also a good underground +system. Perhaps they have already begun. I have been so busy since I +came back that I haven't had time as yet to go down cellar. + +But it is by the laws of the city, it is by the manners of the city, it +is by the ideals of the city, it is by the customs of the city and by the +municipal government which all these elements correct, support, and +foster, by which the foreigner judges the city. It is by these that he +realizes that New York may, indeed, hold her head high among the cities +of the world. It is by these standards that he knows whether to class +the city higher or lower than the other municipalities of the world. + +Gentlemen, you have the best municipal government in the world-- +the purest and the most fragrant. The very angels envy you, and wish +they could establish a government like it in heaven. You got it by a +noble fidelity to civic duty. You got it by stern and ever-watchful +exertion of the great powers with which you are charged by the rights +which were handed down to you by your forefathers, by your manly refusal +to let base men invade the high places of your government, and by instant +retaliation when any public officer has insulted you in the city's name +by swerving in the slightest from the upright and full performance of his +duty. It is you who have made this city the envy of the cities of the +world. God will bless you for it--God will bless you for it. Why, when +you approach the final resting-place the angels of heaven will gather at +the gates and cry out: + +"Here they come! Show them to the archangel's box, and turn the lime- +light on them!" + + + + + +CHINA AND THE PHILIPPINES + + AT A DINNER GIVEN IN THE WALDORF-ASTORIA HOTEL, DECEMBER, 1900 + + Winston Spencer Churchill was introduced by Mr. Clemens. + +For years I've been a self-appointed missionary to bring about the union +of America and the motherland. They ought to be united. Behold America, +the refuge of the oppressed from everywhere (who can pay fifty dollars' +admission)--any one except a Chinaman--standing up for human rights +everywhere, even helping China let people in free when she wants to +collect fifty dollars upon them. And how unselfishly England has wrought +for the open door for all! And how piously America has wrought for that +open door in all cases where it was not her own! + +Yes, as a missionary I've sung my songs of praise. And yet I think that +England sinned when she got herself into a war in South Africa which she +could have avoided, just as we sinned in getting into a similar war in +the Philippines. Mr. Churchill, by his father, is an Englishman; by his +mother he is an American--no doubt a blend that makes the perfect man. +England and America; yes, we are kin. And now that we are also kin in +sin, there is nothing more to be desired. The harmony is complete, the +blend is perfect. + + + + + + +THEORETICAL MORALS + + The New Vagabonds Club of London, made up of the leading + younger literary men of the day, gave a dinner in honor of Mr. + and Mrs. Clemens, July 8, 1899. + +It has always been difficult--leave that word difficult--not exceedingly +difficult, but just difficult, nothing more than that, not the slightest +shade to add to that--just difficult--to respond properly, in the right +phraseology, when compliments are paid to me; but it is more than +difficult when the compliments are paid to a better than I--my wife. + +And while I am not here to testify against myself--I can't be expected to +do so, a prisoner in your own country is not admitted to do so--as to +which member of the family wrote my books, I could say in general that +really I wrote the books myself. My wife puts the facts in, and they +make it respectable. My modesty won't suffer while compliments are being +paid to literature, and through literature to my family. I can't get +enough of them. + +I am curiously situated to-night. It so rarely happens that I am +introduced by a humorist; I am generally introduced by a person of grave +walk and carriage. That makes the proper background of gravity for +brightness. I am going to alter to suit, and haply I may say some +humorous things. + +When you start with a blaze of sunshine and upburst of humor, when you +begin with that, the proper office of humor is to reflect, to put you +into that pensive mood of deep thought, to make you think of your sins, +if you wish half an hour to fly. Humor makes me reflect now to-night, it +sets the thinking machinery in motion. Always, when I am thinking, there +come suggestions of what I am, and what we all are, and what we are +coming to. A sermon comes from my lips always when I listen to a +humorous speech. + +I seize the opportunity to throw away frivolities, to say something to +plant the seed, and make all better than when I came. In Mr. Grossmith's +remarks there was a subtle something suggesting my favorite theory of the +difference between theoretical morals and practical morals. I try to +instil practical morals in the place of theatrical--I mean theoretical; +but as an addendum--an annex--something added to theoretical morals. + +When your chairman said it was the first time he had ever taken the +chair, he did not mean that he had not taken lots of other things; he +attended my first lecture and took notes. This indicated the man's +disposition. There was nothing else flying round, so he took notes; he +would have taken anything he could get. + +I can bring a moral to bear here which shows the difference between +theoretical morals and practical morals. Theoretical morals are the sort +you get on your mother's knee, in good books, and from the pulpit. You +gather them in your head, and not in your heart; they are theory without +practice. Without the assistance of practice to perfect them, it is +difficult to teach a child to "be honest, don't steal." + +I will teach you how it should be done, lead you into temptation, teach +you how to steal, so that you may recognize when you have stolen and feel +the proper pangs. It is no good going round and bragging you have never +taken the chair. + +As by the fires of experience, so by commission of crime, you learn real +morals. Commit all the crimes, familiarize yourself with all sins, take +them in rotation (there are only two or three thousand of them), stick to +it, commit two or three every day, and by-and-by you will be proof +against them. When you are through you will be proof against all sins +and morally perfect. You will be vaccinated against every possible +commission of them. This is the only way. + +I will read you a written statement upon the subject that I wrote three +years ago to read to the Sabbath-schools. [Here the lecturer turned his +pockets out, but without success.] No! I have left it at home. Still, +it was a mere statement of fact, illustrating the value of practical +morals produced by the commission of crime. + +It was in my boyhood just a statement of fact, reading is only more +formal, merely facts, merely pathetic facts, which I can state so as to +be understood. It relates to the first time I ever stole a watermelon; +that is, I think it was the first time; anyway, it was right along there +somewhere. + +I stole it out of a farmer's wagon while he was waiting on another +customer. "Stole" is a harsh term. I withdrew--I retired that +watermelon. I carried it to a secluded corner of a lumber-yard. I broke +it open. It was green--the greenest watermelon raised in the valley that +year. + +The minute I saw it was green I was sorry, and began to reflect-- +reflection is the beginning of reform. If you don't reflect when you +commit a crime then that crime is of no use; it might just as well have +been committed by some one else: You must reflect or the value is lost; +you are not vaccinated against committing it again. + +I began to reflect. I said to myself: "What ought a boy to do who has +stolen a green watermelon? What would George Washington do, the father +of his country, the only American who could not tell a lie? What would +he do? There is only one right, high, noble thing for any boy to do who +has stolen a watermelon of that class he must make restitution; he must +restore that stolen property to its rightful owner." I said I would do +it when I made that good resolution. I felt it to be a noble, uplifting +obligation. I rose up spiritually stronger and refreshed. I carried +that watermelon back--what was left of it--and restored it to the farmer, +and made him give me a ripe one in its place. + +Now you see that this constant impact of crime upon crime protects you +against further commission of crime. It builds you up. A man can't +become morally perfect by stealing one or a thousand green watermelons, +but every little helps. + +I was at a great school yesterday (St. Paul's), where for four hundred +years they have been busy with brains, and building up England by +producing Pepys, Miltons, and Marlboroughs. Six hundred boys left to +nothing in the world but theoretical morality. I wanted to become the +professor of practical morality, but the high master was away, so I +suppose I shall have to go on making my living the same old way-- +by adding practical to theoretical morality. + +What are the glory that was Greece, the grandeur that was Rome, compared +to the glory and grandeur and majesty of a perfected morality such as you +see before you? + +The New Vagabonds are old vagabonds (undergoing the old sort of reform). +You drank my health; I hope I have not been unuseful. Take this system +of morality to your hearts. Take it home to your neighbors and your +graves, and I hope that it will be a long time before you arrive there. + + + + + + +LAYMAN'S SERMON + + The Young Men's Christian Association asked Mr. Clemens to + deliver a lay sermon at the Majestic Theatre, New York, March + 4, 1906. More than five thousand young men tried to get into + the theatre, and in a short time traffic was practically + stopped in the adjacent streets. The police reserves had to be + called out to thin the crowd. Doctor Fagnani had said + something before about the police episode, and Mr. Clemens took + it up. + +I have been listening to what was said here, and there is in it a lesson +of citizenship. You created the police, and you are responsible for +them. One must pause, therefore, before criticising them too harshly. +They are citizens, just as we are. A little of citizenship ought to be +taught at the mother's knee and in the nursery. Citizenship is what +makes a republic; monarchies can get along without it. What keeps a +republic on its legs is good citizenship. + +Organization is necessary in all things. It is even necessary in reform. +I was an organization myself once--for twelve hours. I was in Chicago a +few years ago about to depart for New York. There were with me Mr. +Osgood, a publisher, and a stenographer. I picked out a state-room on a +train, the principal feature of which was that it contained the privilege +of smoking. The train had started but a short time when the conductor +came in and said that there had been a mistake made, and asked that we +vacate the apartment. I refused, but when I went out on the platform +Osgood and the stenographer agreed to accept a section. They were too +modest. + +Now, I am not modest. I was born modest, but it didn't last. I asserted +myself; insisted upon my rights, and finally the Pullman Conductor and +the train conductor capitulated, and I was left in possession. + +I went into the dining--car the next morning for breakfast. Ordinarily +I only care for coffee and rolls, but this particular morning I espied an +important-looking man on the other side of the car eating broiled +chicken. I asked for broiled chicken, and I was told by the waiter and +later by the dining-car conductor that there was no broiled chicken. +There must have been an argument, for the Pullman conductor came in and +remarked: "If he wants broiled chicken, give it to him. If you haven't +got it on the train, stop somewhere. It will be better for all +concerned!" I got the chicken. + +It is from experiences such as these that you get your education of life, +and you string them into jewels or into tinware, as you may choose. +I have received recently several letters asking my counsel or advice. +The principal request is for some incident that may prove helpful to the +young. There were a lot of incidents in my career to help me along-- +sometimes they helped me along faster than I wanted to go. + +Here is such a request. It is a telegram from Joplin, Missouri, and it +reads: "In what one of your works can we find the definition of a +gentleman?" + +I have not answered that telegram, either; I couldn't. It seems to me +that if any man has just merciful and kindly instincts he would be a +gentleman, for he would need nothing else in the world. + +I received the other day a letter from my old friend, William Dean +Howells--Howells, the head of American literature. No one is able to +stand with him. He is an old, old friend of mine, and he writes me, +"To-morrow I shall be sixty-nine years old." Why, I am surprised at +Howells writing that! I have known him longer than that. I'm sorry to +see a man trying to appear so young. Let's see. Howells says now, +"I see you have been burying Patrick. I suppose he was old, too." + +No, he was never old--Patrick. He came to us thirty-six years ago. He +was my coachman on the morning that I drove my young bride to our new +home. He was a young Irishman, slender, tall, lithe, honest, truthful, +and he never changed in all his life. He really was with us but twenty- +five years, for he did not go with us to Europe, but he never regarded +that as separation. As the children grew up he was their guide. He was +all honor, honesty, and affection. He was with us in New Hampshire, with +us last summer, and his hair was just as black, his eyes were just as +blue, his form just as straight, and his heart just as good as on the day +we first met. In all the long years Patrick never made a mistake. He +never needed an order, he never received a command. He knew. I have +been asked for my idea of an ideal gentleman, and I give it to you +Patrick McAleer. + + + + + + +UNIVERSITY SETTLEMENT SOCIETY + + After the serious addresses were made, Seth Low introduced Mr. + Clemens at the Settlement House, February 2, 1901. + +The older we grow the greater becomes our, wonder at how much ignorance +one can contain without bursting one's clothes. Ten days ago I did not +know anything about the University Settlement except what I'd read in the +pamphlets sent me. Now, after being here and hearing Mrs. Hewitt and +Mrs. Thomas, it seems to me I know of nothing like it at all. It's a +charity that carries no humiliation with it. Marvellous it is, to think +of schools where you don't have to drive the children in but drive them +out. It was not so in my day. + +Down-stairs just now I saw a dancing lesson going on. You must pay a +cent for a lesson. You can't get it for nothing. That's the reason I +never learned to dance. + +But it was the pawnbroker's shop you have here that interested me +mightily. I've known something about pawnbrokers' shops in my time, but +here you have a wonderful plan. The ordinary pawnbroker charges thirty-- +six per cent. a year for a loan, and I've paid more myself, but here a +man or woman in distress can obtain a loan for one per cent. a month! +It's wonderful! + +I've been interested in all I've heard to-day, especially in the romances +recounted by Mrs. Thomas, which reminds me that I have a romance of my +own in my autobiography, which I am building for the instruction of the +world. + +In San Francisco, many years ago, when I was a newspaper reporter +(perhaps I should say I had been and was willing to be), a pawnbroker was +taking care of what property I had. There was a friend of mine, a poet, +out of a job, and he was having a hard time of it, too. There was +passage in it, but I guess I've got to keep that for the autobiography. + +Well, my friend the poet thought his life was a failure, and I told him I +thought it was, and then he said he thought he ought to commit suicide, +and I said "all right," which was disinterested advice to a friend in +trouble; but, like all such advice, there was just a little bit of self- +interest back of it, for if I could get a "scoop" on the other newspapers +I could get a job. + +The poet could be spared, and so, largely for his own good and partly for +mine, I kept the thing in his mind, which was necessary, as would-be +suicides are very changeable aid hard to hold to their purpose. He had a +preference for a pistol, which was an extravagance, for we hadn't enough +between us to hire a pistol. A fork would have been easier. + +And so he concluded to drown himself, and I said it was an excellent +idea--the only trouble being that he was so good a swimmer. So we went +down to the beach. I went along to see that the thing was done right. +Then something most romantic happened. There came in on the sea +something that had been on its way for three years. It rolled in across +the broad Pacific with a message that was full of meaning to that poor +poet and cast itself at his feet. It was a life-preserver! This was a +complication. And then I had an idea--he never had any, especially when +he was going to write poetry; I suggested that we pawn the life-preserver +and get a revolver. + +The pawnbroker gave us an old derringer with a bullet as big as a hickory +nut. When he heard that it was only a poet that was going to kill +himself he did not quibble. Well, we succeeded in sending a bullet right +through his head. It was a terrible moment when he placed that pistol +against his forehead and stood for an instant. I said, "Oh, pull the +trigger!" and he did, and cleaned out all the gray matter in his brains. +It carried the poetic faculty away, and now he's a useful member of +society. + +Now, therefore, I realize that there's no more beneficent institution +than this penny fund of yours, and I want all the poets to know this. +I did think about writing you a check, but now I think I'll send you a +few copies of what one of your little members called 'Strawberry Finn'. + + + + + + +PUBLIC EDUCATION ASSOCIATION + + ADDRESS AT A MEETING OF THE BERKELEY LYCEUM, NEW YORK, + NOVEMBER 23, 1900 + +I don't suppose that I am called here as an expert on education, for that +would show a lack of foresight on your part and a deliberate intention to +remind me of my shortcomings. + +As I sat here looking around for an idea it struck me that I was called +for two reasons. One was to do good to me, a poor unfortunate traveller +on the world's wide ocean, by giving me a knowledge of the nature and +scope of your society and letting me know that others beside myself have +been of some use in the world. The other reason that I can see is that +you have called me to show by way of contrast what education can +accomplish if administered in the right sort of doses. + +Your worthy president said that the school pictures, which have received +the admiration of the world at the Paris Exposition, have been sent to +Russia, and this was a compliment from that Government--which is very +surprising to me. Why, it is only an hour since I read a cablegram in +the newspapers beginning "Russia Proposes to Retrench." I was not +expecting such a thunderbolt, and I thought what a happy thing it will be +for Russians when the retrenchment will bring home the thirty thousand +Russian troops now in Manchuria, to live in peaceful pursuits. I thought +this was what Germany should do also without delay, and that France and +all the other nations in China should follow suit. + +Why should not China be free from the foreigners, who are only making +trouble on her soil? If they would only all go home, what a pleasant +place China would be for the Chinese! We do not allow Chinamen to come +here, and I say in all seriousness that it would be a graceful thing to +let China decide who shall go there. + +China never wanted foreigners any more than foreigners wanted Chinamen, +and on this question I am with the Boxers every time. The Boxer is a +patriot. He loves his country better than he does the countries of other +people. I wish him success. The Boxer believes in driving us out of his +country. I am a Boxer too, for I believe in driving him out of our +country. + +When I read the Russian despatch further my dream of world peace +vanished. It said that the vast expense of maintaining the army had made +it necessary to retrench, and so the Government had decided that to +support the army it would be necessary to withdraw the appropriation from +the public schools. This is a monstrous idea to us. + +We believe that out of the public school grows the greatness of a nation. + +It is curious to reflect how history repeats itself the world over. Why, +I remember the same thing was done when I was a boy on the Mississippi +River. There was a proposition in a township there to discontinue public +schools because they were too expensive. An old farmer spoke up and said +if they stopped the schools they would not save anything, because every +time a school was closed a jail had to be built. + +It's like feeding a dog on his own tail. He'll never get fat. I believe +it is better to support schools than jails. + +The work of your association is better and shows more wisdom than the +Czar of Russia and all his people. This is not much of a compliment, but +it's the best I've got in stock. + + + + + + +EDUCATION AND CITIZENSHIP + + On the evening of May 14, 1908, the alumni of the College of + the City of New York celebrated the opening of the new college + buildings at a banquet in the Waldorf Astoria. Mr. Clemens + followed Mayor McClellan. + +I agreed when the Mayor said that there was not a man within hearing who +did not agree that citizenship should be placed above everything else, +even learning. + +Have you ever thought about this? Is there a college in the whole +country where there is a chair of good citizenship? There is a kind of +bad citizenship which is taught in the schools, but no real good +citizenship taught. There are some which teach insane citizenship, +bastard citizenship, but that is all. Patriotism! Yes; but patriotism +is usually the refuge of the scoundrel. He is the man who talks the +loudest. + +You can begin that chair of citizenship in the College of the City of New +York. You can place it above mathematics and literature, and that is +where it belongs. + +We used to trust in God. I think it was in 1863 that some genius +suggested that it be put upon the gold and silver coins which circulated +among the rich. They didn't put it on the nickels and coppers because +they didn't think the poor folks had any trust in God. + +Good citizenship would teach accuracy of thinking and accuracy of +statement. Now, that motto on the coin is an overstatement. Those +Congressmen had no right to commit this whole country to a theological +doctrine. But since they did, Congress ought to state what our creed +should be. + +There was never a nation in the world that put its whole trust in God. +It is a statement made on insufficient evidence. Leaving out the +gamblers, the burglars, and the plumbers, perhaps we do put our trust in +God after a fashion. But, after all, it is an overstatement. + +If the cholera or black plague should come to these shores, perhaps the +bulk of the nation would pray to be delivered from it, but the rest would +put their trust in the Health Board of the City of New York. + +I read in the papers within the last day or two of a poor young girl who +they said was a leper. Did the people in that populous section of the +country where she was--did they put their trust in God? The girl was +afflicted with the leprosy, a disease which cannot be communicated from +one person to another. + +Yet, instead of putting their trust in God, they harried that poor +creature, shelterless and friendless, from place to place, exactly as +they did in the Middle Ages, when they made lepers wear bells, so that +people could be warned of their approach and avoid them. Perhaps those +people in the Middle Ages thought they were putting their trust in God. + +The President ordered the removal of that motto from the coin, and I +thought that it was well. I thought that overstatement should not stay +there. But I think it would better read, "Within certain judicious +limitations we trust in God," and if there isn't enough room on the coin +for this, why, enlarge the coin. + +Now I want to tell a story about jumping at conclusions. It was told to +me by Bram Stoker, and it concerns a christening. There was a little +clergyman who was prone to jump at conclusions sometimes. One day he was +invited to officiate at a christening. He went. There sat the +relatives--intelligent-looking relatives they were. The little +clergyman's instinct came to him to make a great speech. He was given to +flights of oratory that way--a very dangerous thing, for often the wings +which take one into clouds of oratorical enthusiasm are wax and melt up +there, and down you come. + +But the little clergyman couldn't resist. He took the child in his arms, +and, holding it, looked at it a moment. It wasn't much of a child. It +was little, like a sweet-potato. Then the little clergyman waited +impressively, and then: "I see in your countenances," he said, +"disappointment of him. I see you are disappointed with this baby. Why? +Because he is so little. My friends, if you had but the power of looking +into the future you might see that great things may come of little +things. There is the great ocean, holding the navies of the world, which +comes from little drops of water no larger than a woman's tears. There +are the great constellations in the sky, made up of little bits of stars. +Oh, if you could consider his future you might see that he might become +the greatest poet of the universe, the greatest warrior the world has +ever known, greater than Caesar, than Hannibal, than--er--er" (turning to +the father)--"what's his name?" + +The father hesitated, then whispered back: "His name? Well, his name is +Mary Ann." + + + + + + +COURAGE + + At a beefsteak dinner, given by artists, caricaturists, and + humorists of New York City, April 18, 1908, Mr. Clemens, Mr. H. + H. Rogers, and Mr. Patrick McCarren were the guests of honor. + Each wore a white apron, and each made a short speech. + +In the matter of courage we all have our limits. + +There never was a hero who did not have his bounds. I suppose it may be +said of Nelson and all the others whose courage has been advertised that +there came times in their lives when their bravery knew it had come to +its limit. + +I have found mine a good many times. Sometimes this was expected--often +it was unexpected. I know a man who is not afraid to sleep with a +rattlesnake, but you could not get him to sleep with a safety-razor. + +I never had the courage to talk across a long, narrow room I should be at +the end of the room facing all the audience. If I attempt to talk across +a room I find myself turning this way and that, and thus at alternate +periods I have part of the audience behind me. You ought never to have +any part of the audience behind you; you never can tell what they are +going to do. + +I'll sit down. + + + + + + +THE DINNER TO MR. CHOATE + + AT A DINNER GIVEN IN HONOR OF AMBASSADOR JOSEPH H. CHOATE AT + THE LOTOS CLUB, NOVEMBER 24, 7902 + + The speakers, among others, were: Senator Depew, William Henry + White, Speaker Thomas Reed, and Mr. Choate. Mr. Clemens spoke, + in part, as follows: + +The greatness of this country rests on two anecdotes. The first one is +that of Washington and his hatchet, representing the foundation of true +speaking, which is the characteristic of our people. The second one is +an old one, and I've been waiting to hear it to-night; but as nobody has +told it yet, I will tell it. + +You've heard it before, and you'll hear it many, many times more. It is +an anecdote of our guest, of the time when he was engaged as a young man +with a gentle Hebrew, in the process of skinning the client. The main +part in that business is the collection of the bill for services in +skinning the man. "Services" is the term used in that craft for the +operation of that kind-diplomatic in its nature. + +Choate's--co-respondent--made out a bill for $500 for his services, so +called. But Choate told him he had better leave the matter to him, and +the next day he collected the bill for the services and handed the Hebrew +$5000, saying, "That's your half of the loot," and inducing that +memorable response: "Almost thou persuadest me to be a Christian." + +The deep-thinkers didn't merely laugh when that happened. They stopped +to think, and said "There's a rising man. He must be rescued from the +law and consecrated to diplomacy. The commercial advantages of a great +nation lie there in that man's keeping. We no longer require a man to +take care of our moral character before the world. Washington and his +anecdote have done that. We require a man to take care of our commercial +prosperity." + +Mr. Choate has carried that trait with him, and, as Mr. Carnegie has +said, he has worked like a mole underground. + +We see the result when American railroad iron is sold so cheap in England +that the poorest family can have it. He has so beguiled that Cabinet of +England. + +He has been spreading the commerce of this nation, and has depressed +English commerce in the same ratio. This was the principle underlying +that anecdote, and the wise men saw it; the principle of give and take-- +give one and take ten--the principle of diplomacy. + + + + + + +ON STANLEY AND LIVINGSTONE + + Mr. Clemens was entertained at dinner by the Whitefriars' Club, + London, at the Mitre Tavern, on the evening of August 6, 1872. + In reply to the toast in his honor he said: + +GENTLEMEN,--I thank you very heartily indeed for this expression of +kindness toward me. What I have done for England and civilization in the +arduous affairs which I have engaged in (that is good: that is so smooth +that I will say it again and again)--what I have done for England and +civilization in the arduous part I have performed I have done with a +single-hearted devotion and with no hope of reward. I am proud, I am +very proud, that it was reserved for me to find Doctor Livingstone and +for Mr. Stanley to get all the credit. I hunted for that man in Africa +all over seventy-five or one hundred parishes, thousands and thousands of +miles in the wilds and deserts all over the place, sometimes riding +negroes and sometimes travelling by rail. I didn't mind the rail or +anything else, so that I didn't come in for the tar and feathers. I +found that man at Ujiji--a place you may remember if you have ever been +there--and it was a very great satisfaction that I found him just in the +nick of time. I found that poor old man deserted by his niggers and by +his geographers, deserted by all of his kind except the gorillas-- +dejected, miserable, famishing, absolutely famishing--but he was +eloquent. Just as I found him he had eaten his last elephant, and he +said to me: "God knows where I shall get another." He had nothing to +wear except his venerable and honorable naval suit, and nothing to eat +but his diary. + +But I said to him: "It is all right; I have discovered you, and Stanley +will be here by the four-o'clock train and will discover you officially, +and then we will turn to and have a reg'lar good time." I said: "Cheer +up, for Stanley has got corn, ammunition, glass beads, hymn-books, +whiskey, and everything which the human heart can desire; he has got all +kinds of valuables, including telegraph-poles and a few cart-loads of +money. By this time communication has been made with the land of Bibles +and civilization, and property will advance." And then we surveyed all +that country, from Ujiji, through Unanogo and other places, to +Unyanyembe. I mention these names simply for your edification, nothing +more--do not expect it--particularly as intelligence to the Royal +Geographical Society. And then, having filled up the old man, we were +all too full for utterance and departed. We have since then feasted on +honors. + +Stanley has received a snuff-box and I have received considerable snuff; +he has got to write a book and gather in the rest of the credit, and I am +going to levy on the copyright and to collect the money. Nothing comes +amiss to me--cash or credit; but, seriously, I do feel that Stanley is +the chief man and an illustrious one, and I do applaud him with all my +heart. Whether he is an American or a Welshman by birth, or one, or +both, matters not to me. So far as I am personally concerned, I am +simply here to stay a few months, and to see English people and to learn +English manners and customs, and to enjoy myself; so the simplest thing I +can do is to thank you for the toast you have honored me with and for the +remarks you have made, and to wish health and prosperity to the +Whitefriars' Club, and to sink down to my accustomed level. + + + + + + +HENRY M. STANLEY + + ADDRESS DELIVERED IN BOSTON, NOVEMBER, 1886 + + Mr. Clemens introduced Mr. Stanley. + +LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, if any should ask, Why is it that you are here as +introducer of the lecturer? I should answer that I happened to be around +and was asked to perform this function. I was quite willing to do so, +and, as there was no sort of need of an introduction, anyway, it could be +necessary only that some person come forward for a moment and do an +unnecessary thing, and this is quite in my line. Now, to introduce so +illustrious a name as Henry M. Stanley by any detail of what the man has +done is clear aside from my purpose; that would be stretching the +unnecessary to an unconscionable degree. When I contrast what I have +achieved in my measurably brief life with what he has achieved in his +possibly briefer one, the effect is to sweep utterly away the ten-story +edifice of my own self-appreciation and leave nothing behind but the +cellar. When you compare these achievements of his with the achievements +of really great men who exist in history, the comparison, I believe, is +in his favor. I am not here to disparage Columbus. + +No, I won't do that; but when you come to regard the achievements of +these two men, Columbus and Stanley, from the standpoint of the +difficulties they encountered, the advantage is with Stanley and against +Columbus. Now, Columbus started out to discover America. Well, he +didn't need to do anything at all but sit in the cabin of his ship and +hold his grip and sail straight on, and America would discover itself. +Here it was, barring his passage the whole length and breadth of the +South American continent, and he couldn't get by it. He'd got to +discover it. But Stanley started out to find Doctor Livingstone, who was +scattered abroad, as you may say, over the length and breadth of a vast +slab of Africa as big as the United States. + +It was a blind kind of search. He was the worst scattered of men. But I +will throw the weight of this introduction upon one very peculiar feature +of Mr. Stanley's character, and that is his indestructible Americanism-- +an Americanism which he is proud of. And in this day and time, when it +is the custom to ape and imitate English methods and fashion, it is like +a breath of fresh air to stand in the presence of this untainted American +citizen who has been caressed and complimented by half of the crowned +heads of Europe who could clothe his body from his head to his heels with +the orders and decorations lavished upon him. And yet, when the untitled +myriads of his own country put out their hands in welcome to him and +greet him, "Well done," through the Congress of the United States, that +is the crown that is worth all the rest to him. He is a product of +institutions which exist in no other country on earth-institutions that +bring out all that is best and most heroic in a man. I introduce Henry +M. Stanley. + + + + + + +DINNER TO MR. JEROME + + A dinner to express their confidence in the integrity and good + judgment of District-Attorney Jerome was given at Delmonico's + by over three hundred of his admirers on the evening of May 7, + 1909. + +Indeed, that is very sudden. I was not informed that the verdict was +going to depend upon my judgment, but that makes not the least difference +in the world when you already know all about it. It is not any matter +when you are called upon to express it; you can get up and do it, and my +verdict has already been recorded in my heart and in my head as regards +Mr. Jerome and his administration of the criminal affairs of this county. + +I agree with everything Mr. Choate has said in his letter regarding Mr. +Jerome; I agree with everything Mr. Shepard has said; and I agree with +everything Mr. Jerome has said in his own commendation. And I thought +Mr. Jerome was modest in that. If he had been talking about another +officer of this county, he could have painted the joys and sorrows of +office and his victories in even stronger language than he did. + +I voted for Mr. Jerome in those old days, and I should like to vote for +him again if he runs for any office. I moved out of New York, and that +is the reason, I suppose, I cannot vote for him again. There may be some +way, but I have not found it out. But now I am a farmer--a farmer up in +Connecticut, and winning laurels. Those people already speak with such +high favor, admiration, of my farming, and they say that I am the only +man that has ever come to that region who could make two blades of grass +grow where only three grew before. + +Well, I cannot vote for him. You see that. As it stands now, I cannot. +I am crippled in that way and to that extent, for I would ever so much +like to do it. I am not a Congress, and I cannot distribute pensions, +and I don't know any other legitimate way to buy a vote. But if I should +think of any legitimate way, I shall make use of it, and then I shall +vote for Mr. Jerome. + + + + + + +HENRY IRVING + + The Dramatic and Literary Society of London gave a welcome-home + dinner to Sir Henry Irving at the Savoy Hotel, London, June 9, + 1900. In proposing the toast of "The Drama" Mr. Clemens said: + +I find my task a very easy one. I have been a dramatist for thirty +years. I have had an ambition in all that time to overdo the work of the +Spaniard who said he left behind him four hundred dramas when he died. +I leave behind me four hundred and fifteen, and am not yet dead. + +The greatest of all the arts is to write a drama. It is a most difficult +thing. It requires the highest talent possible and the rarest gifts. +No, there is another talent that ranks with it--for anybody can write a +drama--I had four hundred of them--but to get one accepted requires real +ability. And I have never had that felicity yet. + +But human nature is so constructed, we are so persistent, that when we +know that we are born to a thing we do not care what the world thinks +about it. We go on exploiting that talent year after year, as I have +done. I shall go on writing dramas, and some day the impossible may +happen, but I am not looking for it. + +In writing plays the chief thing is novelty. The world grows tired of +solid forms in all the arts. I struck a new idea myself years ago. +I was not surprised at it. I was always expecting it would happen. +A person who has suffered disappointment for many years loses confidence, +and I thought I had better make inquiries before I exploited my new idea +of doing a drama in the form of a dream, so I wrote to a great authority +on knowledge of all kinds, and asked him whether it was new. + +I could depend upon him. He lived in my dear home in America--that dear +home, dearer to me through taxes. He sent me a list of plays in which +that old device had been used, and he said that there was also a modern +lot. He travelled back to China and to a play dated two thousand six +hundred years before the Christian era. He said he would follow it up +with a list of the previous plays of the kind, and in his innocence would +have carried them back to the Flood. + +That is the most discouraging thing that has ever happened to me in my +dramatic career. I have done a world of good in a silent and private +way, and have furnished Sir Henry Irving with plays and plays and plays. +What has he achieved through that influence. See where he stands now-- +on the summit of his art in two worlds and it was I who put him there +--that partly put him there. + +I need not enlarge upon the influence the drama has exerted upon +civilization. It has made good morals entertaining. I am to be followed +by Mr. Pinero. I conceive that we stand at the head of the profession. +He has not written as many plays as I have, but he has lead that God- +given talent, which I lack, of working hem off on the manager. I couple +his name with this toast, and add the hope that his influence will be +supported in exercising his masterly handicraft in that great gift, and +that he will long live to continue his fine work. + + + + + + +DINNER TO HAMILTON W. MABIE + + ADDRESS DELIVERED APRIL 29, 1901 + + In introducing Mr. Clemens, Doctor Van Dyke said: + + "The longer the speaking goes on to-night the more I wonder how + I got this job, and the only explanation I can give for it is + that it is the same kind of compensation for the number of + articles I have sent to The Outlook, to be rejected by Hamilton + W. Mabie. There is one man here to-night that has a job cut + out for him that none of you would have had--a man whose humor + has put a girdle of light around the globe, and whose sense of + humor has been an example for all five continents. He is going + to speak to you. Gentlemen, you know him best as Mark Twain." + +MR. CHAIRMAN AND GENTLEMEN,--This man knows now how it feels to be the +chief guest, and if he has enjoyed it he is the first man I have ever +seen in that position that did enjoy it. And I know, by side-remarks +which he made to me before his ordeal came upon him, that he was feeling +as some of the rest of us have felt under the same circumstances. He was +afraid that he would not do himself justice; but he did--to my surprise. +It is a most serious thing to be a chief guest on an occasion like this, +and it is admirable, it is fine. It is a great compliment to a man that +he shall come out of it so gloriously as Mr. Mabie came out of it +tonight--to my surprise. He did it well. + +He appears to be editor of The Outlook, and notwithstanding that, I have +every admiration, because when everything is said concerning The Outlook, +after all one must admit that it is frank in its delinquencies, that it +is outspoken in its departures from fact, that it is vigorous in its +mistaken criticisms of men like me. I have lived in this world a long, +long time, and I know you must not judge a man by the editorials that he +puts in his paper. A man is always better than his printed opinions. +A man always reserves to himself on the inside a purity and an honesty +and a justice that are a credit to him, whereas the things that he prints +are just the reverse. + +Oh yes, you must not judge a man by what he writes in his paper. Even in +an ordinary secular paper a man must observe some care about it; he must +be better than the principles which he puts in print. And that is the +case with Mr. Mabie. Why, to see what he writes about me and the +missionaries you would think he did not have any principles. But that is +Mr. Mabie in his public capacity. Mr. Mabie in his private capacity is +just as clean a man as I am. + +In this very room, a month or two ago, some people admired that portrait; +some admired this, but the great majority fastened on that, and said, +"There is a portrait that is a beautiful piece of art." When that +portrait is a hundred years old it will suggest what were the manners and +customs in our time. Just as they talk about Mr. Mabie to-night, in that +enthusiastic way, pointing out the various virtues of the man and the +grace of his spirit, and all that, so was that portrait talked about. +They were enthusiastic, just as we men have been over the character and +the work of Mr. Mabie. And when they were through they said that +portrait, fine as it is, that work, beautiful as it is, that piece of +humanity on that canvas, gracious and fine as it is, does not rise to +those perfections that exist in the man himself. Come up, Mr. Alexander. +[The reference was to James W. Alexander, who happened to be sitting-- +beneath the portrait of himself on the wall.] Now, I should come up and +show myself. But he cannot do it, he cannot do it. He was born that +way, he was reared in that way. Let his modesty be an example, and I +wish some of you had it, too. But that is just what I have been saying +--that portrait, fine as it is, is not as fine as the man it represents, +and all the things that have been said about Mr. Mabie, and certainly +they have been very nobly worded and beautiful, still fall short of the +real Mabie. + + + + + + +INTRODUCING NYE AND RILEY + + James Whitcomb Riley and Edgar Wilson Nye (Bill Nye) were to + give readings in Tremont Temple, Boston, November, 1888. Mr. + Clemens was induced to introduce Messrs. Riley and Nye. His + appearance on the platform was a surprise to the audience, and + when they recognized him there was a tremendous demonstration. + +I am very glad indeed to introduce these young people to you, and at the +same time get acquainted with them myself. I have seen them more than +once for a moment, but have not had the privilege of knowing them +personally as intimately as I wanted to. I saw them first, a great many +years ago, when Mr. Barnum had them, and they were just fresh from Siam. +The ligature was their best hold then, the literature became their best +hold later, when one of them committed an indiscretion, and they had to +cut the old bond to accommodate the sheriff. + +In that old former time this one was Chang, that one was Eng. The +sympathy existing between the two was most extraordinary; it was so fine, +so strong, so subtle, that what the one ate the other digested; when one +slept, the other snored; if one sold a thing, the other scooped the +usufruct. This independent and yet dependent action was observable in +all the details of their daily life--I mean this quaint and arbitrary +distribution of originating cause and resulting effect between the two- +between, I may say, this dynamo and the other always motor, or, in other +words, that the one was always the creating force, the other always the +utilizing force; no, no, for while it is true that within certain well- +defined zones of activity the one was always dynamo and the other always +motor, within certain other well-defined zones these positions became +exactly reversed. + +For instance, in moral matters Mr. Chang Riley was always dynamo, Mr. Eng +Nye was always motor; for while Mr. Chang Riley had a high--in fact, an +abnormally high and fine moral sense, he had no machinery to work it +with; whereas, Mr. Eng Nye, who hadn't any moral sense at all, and hasn't +yet, was equipped with all the necessary plant for putting a noble deed +through, if he could only get the inspiration on reasonable terms +outside. + +In intellectual matters, on the other hand, Mr. Eng Nye was always +dynamo, Mr. Chang Riley was always motor; Mr. Eng Nye had a stately +intellect, but couldn't make it go; Mr. Chang Riley hadn't, but could. +That is to say, that while Mr. Chang Riley couldn't think things himself, +he had a marvellous natural grace in setting them down and weaving them +together when his pal furnished the raw material. + +Thus, working together, they made a strong team; laboring together, they +could do miracles; but break the circuit, and both were impotent. It has +remained so to this day: they must travel together, hoe, and plant, and +plough, and reap, and sell their public together, or there's no result. + +I have made this explanation, this analysis, this vivisection, so to +speak, in order that you may enjoy these delightful adventurers +understandingly. When Mr. Eng Nye's deep and broad and limpid +philosophies flow by in front of you, refreshing all the regions round +about with their gracious floods, you will remember that it isn't his +water; it's the other man's, and he is only working the pump. And when +Mr. Chang Riley enchants your ear, and soothes your spirit, and touches +your heart with the sweet and genuine music of his poetry--as sweet and +as genuine as any that his friends, the birds and the bees, make about +his other friends, the woods and the flowers--you will remember, while +placing justice where justice is due, that it isn't his music, but the +other man's--he is only turning the crank. + +I beseech for these visitors a fair field, a singleminded, one-eyed +umpire, and a score bulletin barren of goose-eggs if they earn it--and I +judge they will and hope they will. Mr. James Whitcomb Chang Riley will +now go to the bat. + + + + + + +DINNER TO WHITELAW REID + + ADDRESS AT THE DINNER IN HONOR OF AMBASSADOR REID, GIVEN BY THE + PILGRIMS' CLUB OF NEW YORK ON FEBRUARY 19, 1908 + +I am very proud to respond to this toast, as it recalls the proudest day +of my life. The delightful hospitality shown me at the time of my visit +to Oxford I shall cherish until I die. In that long and distinguished +career of mine I value that degree above all other honors. When the ship +landed even the stevedores gathered on the shore and gave an English +cheer. Nothing could surpass in my life the pleasure of those four +weeks. No one could pass by me without taking my hand, even the +policemen. I've been in all the principal capitals of Christendom in my +life, and have always been an object of interest to policemen. Sometimes +there was suspicion in their eyes, but not always. With their puissant +hand they would hold up the commerce of the world to let me pass. + +I noticed in the papers this afternoon a despatch from Washington, saying +that Congress would immediately pass a bill restoring to our gold coinage +the motto "In God We Trust." I'm glad of that; I'm glad of that. I was +troubled when that motto was removed. Sure enough, the prosperities of +the whole nation went down in a heap when we ceased to trust in God in +that conspicuously advertised way. I knew there would be trouble. And +if Pierpont Morgan hadn't stepped in--Bishop Lawrence may now add to his +message to the old country that we are now trusting in God again. So we +can discharge Mr. Morgan from his office with honor. + +Mr. Reid said an hour or so ago something about my ruining my activities +last summer. They are not ruined, they are renewed. I am stronger now +--much stronger. I suppose that the spiritual uplift I received +increased my physical power more than anything I ever had before. I was +dancing last night at 1.30 o'clock. + +Mr. Choate has mentioned Mr. Reid's predecessors. Mr. Choate's head is +full of history, and some of it is true, too. I enjoyed hearing him tell +about the list of the men who had the place before he did. He mentioned +a long list of those predecessors, people I never heard of before, and +elected five of them to the Presidency by his own vote. I'm glad and +proud to find Mr. Reid in that high position, because he didn't look it +when I knew him forty years ago. I was talking to Reid the other day, +and he showed me my autograph on an old paper twenty years old. I didn't +know I had an autograph twenty years ago. Nobody ever asked me for it. + +I remember a dinner I had long ago with Whitelaw Reid and John Hay at +Reid's expense. I had another last summer when I was in London at the +embassy that Choate blackguards so. I'd like to live there. + +Some people say they couldn't live on the salary, but I could live on the +salary and the nation together. Some of us don't appreciate what this +country can do. There's John Hay, Reid, Choate, and me. This is the +only country in the world where youth, talent, and energy can reach such +heights. It shows what we could do without means, and what people can do +with talent and energy when they find it in people like us. + +When I first came to New York they were all struggling young men, and I +am glad to see that they have got on in the world. I knew John Hay when +I had no white hairs in my head and more hair than Reid has now. Those +were days of joy and hope. Reid and Hay were on the staff of the +Tribune. I went there once in that old building, and I looked all around +and I finally found a door ajar and looked in. It wasn't Reid or Hay +there, but it was Horace Greeley. Those were in the days when Horace +Greeley was a king. That was the first time I ever saw him and the last. + +I was admiring him when he stopped and seemed to realize that there was a +fine presence there somewhere. He tried to smile, but he was out of +smiles. He looked at me a moment, and said: + +"What in H---do you want?" + +He began with that word "H." That's a long word and a profane word. +I don't remember what the word was now, but I recognized the power of it. +I had never used that language myself, but at that moment I was +converted. It has been a great refuge for me in time of trouble. If a +man doesn't know that language he can't express himself on strenuous +occasions. When you have that word at your command let trouble come. + +But later Hay rose, and you know what summit Whitelaw Reid has reached, +and you see me. Those two men have regulated troubles of nations and +conferred peace upon mankind. And in my humble way, of which I am quite +vain, I was the principal moral force in all those great international +movements. These great men illustrated what I say. Look at us great +people--we all come from the dregs of society. That's what can be done +in this country. That's what this country does for you. + +Choate here--he hasn't got anything to say, but he says it just the same, +and he can do it so felicitously, too. I said long ago he was the +handsomest man America ever produced. May the progress of civilization +always rest on such distinguished men as it has in the past! + + + + + + +ROGERS AND RAILROADS + + AT A BANQUET GIVEN MR. H. H. ROGERS BY THE BUSINESS MEN OF + NORFOLK, VA., CELEBRATING THE OPENING OF THE VIRGINIAN RAILWAY, + APRIL, 3, 1909 + + Toastmaster: + + "I have often thought that when the time comes, which must come + to all of us, when we reach that Great Way in the Great Beyond, + and the question is propounded, 'What have you done to gain + admission into this great realm?' if the answer could be + sincerely made, 'I have made men laugh,' it would be the surest + passport to a welcome entrance. We have here to-night one who + has made millions laugh--not the loud laughter that bespeaks + the vacant mind, but the laugh of intelligent mirth that helps + the human heart and the human mind. I refer, of course, to + Doctor Clemens. I was going to say Mark Twain, his literary + title, which is a household phrase in more homes than that of + any other man, and you know him best by that dear old title." + +I thank you, Mr. Toastmaster, for the compliment which you have paid me, +and I am sure I would rather have made people laugh than cry, yet in my +time I have made some of them cry; and before I stop entirely I hope to +make some more of them cry. I like compliments. I deal in them myself. +I have listened with the greatest pleasure to the compliments which the +chairman has paid to Mr. Rogers and that road of his to-night, and I hope +some of them are deserved. + +It is no small distinction to a man like that to sit here before an +intelligent crowd like this and to be classed with Napoleon and Caesar. +Why didn't he say that this was the proudest day of his life? Napoleon +and Caesar are dead, and they can't be here to defend themselves. But +I'm here! + +The chairman said, and very truly, that the most lasting thing in the +hands of man are the roads which Caesar built, and it is true that he +built a lot of them; and they are there yet. + +Yes, Caesar built a lot of roads in England, and you can find them. But +Rogers has only built one road, and he hasn't finished that yet. I like +to hear my old friend complimented, but I don't like to hear it overdone. + +I didn't go around to-day with the others to see what he is doing. I +will do that in a quiet time, when there is not anything going on, and +when I shall not be called upon to deliver intemperate compliments on a +railroad in which I own no stock. + +They proposed that I go along with the committee and help inspect that +dump down yonder. I didn't go. I saw that dump. I saw that thing when +I was coming in on the steamer, and I didn't go because I was diffident, +sentimentally diffident, about going and looking at that thing again-- +that great, long, bony thing; it looked just like Mr. Rogers's foot. + +The chairman says Mr. Rogers is full of practical wisdom, and he is. +It is intimated here that he is a very ingenious man, and he, is a very +competent financier. Maybe he is now, but it was not always so. I know +lots of private things in his life which people don't know, and I know +how he started; and it was not a very good start. I could have done +better myself. The first time he crossed the Atlantic he had just made +the first little strike in oil, and he was so young he did not like to +ask questions. He did not like to appear ignorant. To this day he don't +like to appear ignorant, but he can look as ignorant as anybody. +On board the ship they were betting on the run of the ship, betting a +couple of shillings, or half a crown, and they proposed that this youth +from the oil regions should bet on the run of the ship. He did not like +to ask what a half-crown was, and he didn't know; but rather than be +ashamed of himself he did bet half a crown on the run of the ship, and in +bed he could not sleep. He wondered if he could afford that outlay in +case he lost. He kept wondering over it, and said to himself: "A king's +crown must be worth $20,000, so half a crown would cost $10,000." +He could not afford to bet away $10,000 on the run of the ship, so he +went up to the stakeholder and gave him $150 to let him off. + +I like to hear Mr. Rogers complimented. I am not stingy in compliments +to him myself. Why, I did it to-day when I sent his wife a telegram to +comfort her. That is the kind of person I am. I knew she would be +uneasy about him. I knew she would be solicitous about what he might do +down here, so I did it to quiet her and to comfort her. I said he was +doing well for a person out of practice. There is nothing like it. +He is like I used to be. There were times when I was careless--careless +in my dress when I got older. You know how uncomfortable your wife can +get when you are going away without her superintendence. Once when my +wife could not go with me (she always went with me when she could-- +I always did meet that kind of luck), I was going to Washington once, a +long time ago, in Mr. Cleveland's first administration, and she could not +go; but, in her anxiety that I should not desecrate the house, she made +preparation. She knew that there was to be a reception of those authors +at the White House at seven o'clock in the evening. She said, "If I +should tell you now what I want to ask of you, you would forget it before +you get to Washington, and, therefore, I have written it on a card, and +you will find it in your dress--vest pocket when you are dressing at the +Arlington--when you are dressing to see the President." I never thought +of it again until I was dressing, and I felt in that pocket and took it +out, and it said, in a kind of imploring way, "Don't wear your arctics in +the White House." + +You complimented Mr. Rogers on his energy, his foresightedness, +complimented him in various ways, and he has deserved those compliments, +although I say it myself; and I enjoy them all. There is one side of Mr. +Rogers that has not been mentioned. If you will leave that to me I will +touch upon that. There was a note in an editorial in one of the Norfolk +papers this morning that touched upon that very thing, that hidden side +of Mr. Rogers, where it spoke of Helen Keller and her affection for Mr. +Rogers, to whom she dedicated her life book. And she has a right to feel +that way, because, without the public knowing anything about it, he +rescued, if I may use that term, that marvellous girl, that wonderful +Southern girl, that girl who was stone deaf, blind, and dumb from +scarlet-fever when she was a baby eighteen months old; and who now is as +well and thoroughly educated as any woman on this planet at twenty-nine +years of age. She is the most marvellous person of her sex that has +existed on this earth since Joan of Arc. + +That is not all Mr. Rogers has done; but you never see that side of his +character, because it is never protruding; but he lends a helping hand +daily out of that generous heart of his. You never hear of it. He is +supposed to be a moon which has one side dark and the other bright. +But the other side, though you don't see it, is not dark; it is bright, +and its rays penetrate, and others do see it who are not God. + +I would take this opportunity to tell something that I have never been +allowed to tell by Mr. Rogers, either by my mouth or in print, and if I +don't look at him I can tell it now. + +In 1893, when the publishing company of Charles L. Webster, of which I +was financial agent, failed, it left me heavily in debt. If you will +remember what commerce was at that time you will recall that you could +not sell anything, and could not buy anything, and I was on my back; my +books were not worth anything at all, and I could not give away my +copyrights. Mr. Rogers had long enough vision ahead to say, "Your books +have supported you before, and after the panic is over they will support +you again," and that was a correct proposition. He saved my copyrights, +and saved me from financial ruin. He it was who arranged with my +creditors to allow me to roam the face of the earth for four years and +persecute the nations thereof with lectures, promising that at the end of +four years I would pay dollar for dollar. That arrangement was made; +otherwise I would now be living out-of-doors under an umbrella, and a +borrowed one at that. + +You see his white mustache and his head trying to get white (he is always +trying to look like me--I don't blame him for that). These are only +emblematic of his character, and that is all. I say, without exception, +hair and all, he is the whitest man I have ever known. + + + + + + +THE OLD-FASHIONED PRINTER + + ADDRESS AT THE TYPOTHETAE DINNER GIVEN AT DELMONICO'S, + JANUARY 18, 1886, COMMEMORATING THE BIRTHDAY OF + BENJAMIN FRANKLIN + + Mr. Clemens responded to the toast "The Compositor." + +The chairman's historical reminiscences of Gutenberg have caused me to +fall into reminiscences, for I myself am something of an antiquity. +All things change in the procession of years, and it may be that I am +among strangers. It may be that the printer of to-day is not the printer +of thirty-five years ago. I was no stranger to him. I knew him well. +I built his fire for him in the winter mornings; I brought his water from +the village pump; I swept out his office; I picked up his type from under +his stand; and, if he were there to see, I put the good type in his case +and the broken ones among the "hell matter"; and if he wasn't there to +see, I dumped it all with the "pi" on the imposing-stone--for that was +the furtive fashion of the cub, and I was a cub. I wetted down the paper +Saturdays, I turned it Sundays--for this was a country weekly; I rolled, +I washed the rollers, I washed the forms, I folded the papers, I carried +them around at dawn Thursday mornings. The carrier was then an object of +interest to all the dogs in town. If I had saved up all the bites I ever +received, I could keep M. Pasteur busy for a year. I enveloped the +papers that were for the mail--we had a hundred town subscribers and +three hundred and fifty country ones; the town subscribers paid in +groceries and the country ones in cabbages and cord-wood--when they paid +at all, which was merely sometimes, and then we always stated the fact in +the paper, and gave them a puff; and if we forgot it they stopped the +paper. Every man on the town list helped edit the thing--that is, +he gave orders as to how it was to be edited; dictated its opinions, +marked out its course for it, and every time the boss failed to connect +he stopped his paper. We were just infested with critics, and we tried +to satisfy them all over. We had one subscriber who paid cash, and he +was more trouble than all the rest. He bought us once a year, body and +soul, for two dollars. He used to modify our politics every which way, +and he made us change our religion four times in five years. If we ever +tried to reason with him, he would threaten to stop his paper, and, of +course, that meant bankruptcy and destruction. That man used to write +articles a column and a half long, leaded long primer, and sign them +"Junius," or "Veritas," or "Vox Populi," or some other high-sounding rot; +and then, after it was set up, he would come in and say he had changed +his mind-which was a gilded figure of speech, because he hadn't any--and +order it to be left out. We couldn't afford "bogus" in that office, so +we always took the leads out, altered the signature, credited the article +to the rival paper in the next village, and put it in. Well, we did have +one or two kinds of "bogus." Whenever there was a barbecue, or a circus, +or a baptizing, we knocked off for half a day, and then to make up for +short matter we would "turn over ads"--turn over the whole page and +duplicate it. The other "bogus" was deep philosophical stuff, which we +judged nobody ever read; so we kept a galley of it standing, and kept on +slapping the same old batches of it in, every now and then, till it got +dangerous. Also, in the early days of the telegraph we used to economize +on the news. We picked out the items that were pointless and barren of +information and stood them on a galley, and changed the dates and +localities, and used them over and over again till the public interest in +them was worn to the bone. We marked the ads, but we seldom paid any +attention to the marks afterward; so the life of a "td" ad and a "tf" ad +was equally eternal. I have seen a "td" notice of a sheriff's sale still +booming serenely along two years after the sale was over, the sheriff +dead, and the whole circumstance become ancient history. Most of the +yearly ads were patent-medicine stereotypes, and we used to fence with +them. + +I can see that printing-office of prehistoric times yet, with its horse +bills on, the walls, its "d" boxes clogged with tallow, because we always +stood the candle in the "k" box nights, its towel, which was not +considered soiled until it could stand alone, and other signs and symbols +that marked the establishment of that kind in the Mississippi Valley; +and I can see, also, the tramping "jour," who flitted by in the summer +and tarried a day, with his wallet stuffed with one shirt and a hatful of +handbills; for if he couldn't get any type to set he would do a +temperance lecture. His way of life was simple, his needs not complex; +all he wanted was plate and bed and money enough to get drunk on, and he +was satisfied. But it may be, as I have said, that I am among strangers, +and sing the glories of a forgotten age to unfamiliar ears, so I will +"make even" and stop. + + + + + + +SOCIETY OF AMERICAN AUTHORS + + On November 15, 1900, the society gave a reception to Mr. + Clemens, who came with his wife and daughter. So many members + surrounded the guests that Mr. Clemens asked: "Is this genuine + popularity or is it all a part of a prearranged programme?" + +MR. CHAIRMAN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,--It seems a most difficult thing for +any man to say anything about me that is not complimentary. I don't know +what the charm is about me which makes it impossible for a person to say +a harsh thing about me and say it heartily, as if he was glad to say it. + +If this thing keeps on it will make me believe that I am what these kind +chairmen say of me. In introducing me, Judge Ransom spoke of my modesty +as if he was envious of me. I would like to have one man come out flat- +footed and say something harsh and disparaging of me, even if it were +true. I thought at one time, as the learned judge was speaking, that I +had found that man; but he wound up, like all the others, by saying +complimentary things. + +I am constructed like everybody else, and enjoy a compliment as well as +any other fool, but I do like to have the other side presented. And +there is another side. I have a wicked side. Estimable friends who know +all about it would tell you and take a certain delight in telling you +things that I have done, and things further that I have not repented. + +The real life that I live, and the real life that I suppose all of you +live, is a life of interior sin. That is what makes life valuable and +pleasant. To lead a life of undiscovered sin! That is true joy. + +Judge Ransom seems to have all the virtues that he ascribes to me. But, +oh my! if you could throw an X-ray through him. We are a pair. I have +made a life-study of trying to appear to be what he seems to think I am. +Everybody believes that I am a monument of all the virtues, but it is +nothing of the sort. I am living two lives, and it keeps me pretty busy. + +Some day there will be a chairman who will forget some of these merits of +mine, and then he will make a speech. + +I have more personal vanity than modesty, and twice as much veracity as +the two put together. + +When that fearless and forgetful chairman is found there will be another +story told. At the Press Club recently I thought that I had found +him. He started in in the way that I knew I should be painted with all +sincerity, and was leading to things that would not be to my credit; but +when he said that he never read a book of mine I knew at once that he was +a liar, because he never could have had all the wit and intelligence with +which he was blessed unless he had read my works as a basis. + +I like compliments. I like to go home and tell them all over again to +the members of my family. They don't believe them, but I like to tell +them in the home circle, all the same. I like to dream of them if I can. + +I thank everybody for their compliments, but I don't think that I am +praised any more than I am entitled to be. + + + + + + +READING-ROOM OPENING + + On October 13, 1900, Mr. Clemens made his last address + preceding his departure for America at Kensal Rise, London. + +I formally declare this reading-room open, and I think that the +legislature should not compel a community to provide itself with +intelligent food, but give it the privilege of providing it if the +community so desires. + +If the community is anxious to have a reading-room it would put its hand +in its pocket and bring out the penny tax. I think it a proof of the +healthy, moral, financial, and mental condition of the community if it +taxes itself for its mental food. + +A reading-room is the proper introduction to a library, leading up +through the newspapers and magazines to other literature. What would we +do without newspapers? + +Look at the rapid manner in which the news of the Galveston disaster was +made known to the entire world. This reminds me of an episode which +occurred fifteen years ago when I was at church in Hartford, Connecticut. + +The clergyman decided to make a collection for the survivors, if any. +He did not include me among the leading citizens who took the plates +around for collection. I complained to the governor of his lack of +financial trust in me, and he replied: "I would trust you myself--if you +had a bell-punch." + +You have paid me many compliments, and I like to listen to compliments. +I indorse all your chairman has said to you about the union of England +and America. He also alluded to my name, of which I am rather fond. + +A little girl wrote me from New Zealand in a letter I received yesterday, +stating that her father said my proper name was not Mark Twain but Samuel +Clemens, but that she knew better, because Clemens was the name of the +man who sold the patent medicine, and his name was not Mark. She was +sure it was Mark Twain, because Mark is in the Bible and Twain is in the +Bible. + +I was very glad to get that expression of confidence in my origin, and as +I now know my name to be a scriptural one, I am not without hopes of +making it worthy. + + + + + + +LITERATURE + + ADDRESS AT THE ROYAL LITERARY FUND BANQUET, LONDON, MAY 4, 1900 + + Anthony Hope introduced Mr. Clemens to make the response to the + toast "Literature." + +MR. HOPE has been able to deal adequately with this toast without +assistance from me. Still, I was born generous. If he had advanced any +theories that needed refutation or correction I would have attended to +them, and if he had made any statements stronger than those which he is +in the habit of making I would have dealt with them. + +In fact, I was surprised at the mildness of his statements. I could not +have made such statements if I had preferred to, because to exaggerate is +the only way I can approximate to the truth. You cannot have a theory +without principles. Principles is another name for prejudices. I have +no prejudices in politics, religion, literature, or anything else. + +I am now on my way to my own country to run for the presidency because +there are not yet enough candidates in the field, and those who have +entered are too much hampered by their own principles, which are +prejudices. + +I propose to go there to purify the political atmosphere. I am in favor +of everything everybody is in favor of. What you should do is to satisfy +the whole nation, not half of it, for then you would only be half a +President. + +There could not be a broader platform than mine. I am in favor of +anything and everything--of temperance and intemperance, morality and +qualified immorality, gold standard and free silver. + +I have tried all sorts of things, and that is why I want to by the great +position of ruler of a country. I have been in turn reporter, editor, +publisher, author, lawyer, burglar. I have worked my way up, and wish to +continue to do so. + +I read to-day in a magazine article that Christendom issued last year +fifty-five thousand new books. Consider what that means! Fifty-five +thousand new books meant fifty-four thousand new authors. We are going +to have them all on our hands to take care of sooner or later. +Therefore, double your, subscriptions to the literary fund! + + + + + + +DISAPPEARANCE OF LITERATURE + + ADDRESS AT THE DINNER OF THE NINETEENTH CENTURY CLUB, AT + SHERRY'S, NEW YORK, NOVEMBER 20, 1900 + + Mr. Clemens spoke to the toast "The Disappearance of + Literature." Doctor Gould presided, and in introducing + Mr. Clemens said that he (the speaker), when in Germany, had to + do a lot of apologizing for a certain literary man who was + taking what the Germans thought undue liberties with their + language. + +It wasn't necessary for your chairman to apologize for me in Germany. +It wasn't necessary at all. Instead of that he ought to have impressed +upon those poor benighted Teutons the service I rendered them. Their +language had needed untangling for a good many years. Nobody else seemed +to want to take the job, and so I took it, and I flatter myself that I +made a pretty good job of it. The Germans have an inhuman way of cutting +up their verbs. Now a verb has a hard time enough of it in this world +when it's all together. It's downright inhuman to split it up. But +that's just what those Germans do. They take part of a verb and put it +down here, like a stake, and they take the other part of it and put it +away over yonder like another stake, and between these two limits they +just shovel in German. I maintain that there is no necessity for +apologizing for a man who helped in a small way to stop such mutilation. + +We have heard a discussion to-night on the disappearance of literature. +That's no new thing. That's what certain kinds of literature have been +doing for several years. The fact is, my friends, that the fashion in +literature changes, and the literary tailors have to change their cuts or +go out of business. Professor Winchester here, if I remember fairly +correctly what he said, remarked that few, if any, of the novels produced +to-day would live as long as the novels of Walter Scott. That may be his +notion. Maybe he is right; but so far as I am concerned, I don't care if +they don't. + +Professor Winchester also said something about there being no modern +epics like Paradise Lost. I guess he's right. He talked as if he was +pretty familiar with that piece of literary work, and nobody would +suppose that he never had read it. I don't believe any of you have ever +read Paradise Lost, and you don't want to. That's something that you +just want to take on trust. It's a classic, just as Professor Winchester +says, and it meets his definition of a classic--something that everybody +wants to have read and nobody wants to read. + +Professor Trent also had a good deal to say about the disappearance of +literature. He said that Scott would outlive all his critics. I guess +that's true. The fact of the business is, you've got to be one of two +ages to appreciate Scott. When you're eighteen you can read Ivanhoe, and +you want to wait until you are ninety to read some of the rest. It takes +a pretty well-regulated, abstemious critic to live ninety years. + +But as much as these two gentlemen have talked about the disappearance of +literature, they didn't say anything about my books. Maybe they think +they've disappeared. If they do, that just shows their ignorance on the +general subject of literature. I am not as young as I was several years +ago, and maybe I'm not so fashionable, but I'd be willing to take my +chances with Mr. Scott to-morrow morning in selling a piece of literature +to the Century Publishing Company. And I haven't got much of a pull +here, either. I often think that the highest compliment ever paid to my +poor efforts was paid by Darwin through President Eliot, of Harvard +College. At least, Eliot said it was a compliment, and I always take the +opinion of great men like college presidents on all such subjects as +that. + +I went out to Cambridge one day a few years ago and called on President +Eliot. In the course of the conversation he said that he had just +returned from England, and that he was very much touched by what he +considered the high compliment Darwin was paying to my books, and he went +on to tell me something like this: + +"Do you know that there is one room in Darwin's house, his bedroom, where +the housemaid is never allowed to touch two things? One is a plant he is +growing and studying while it grows" (it was one of those insect- +devouring plants which consumed bugs and beetles and things for the +particular delectation of Mr. Darwin) "and the other some books that lie +on the night table at the head of his bed. They are your books, Mr. +Clemens, and Mr. Darwin reads them every night to lull him to sleep." + +My friends, I thoroughly appreciated that compliment, and considered it +the highest one that was ever paid to me. To be the means of soothing to +sleep a brain teeming with bugs and squirming things like Darwin's was +something that I had never hoped for, and now that he is dead I never +hope to be able to do it again. + + + + + + +THE NEW YORK PRESS CLUB DINNER + + AT THE ANNUAL DINNER, NOVEMBER 13, 1900 + + Col. William L. Brown, the former editor of the Daily News, as + president of the club, introduced Mr. Clemens as the principal + ornament of American literature. + +I must say that I have already begun to regret that I left my gun at +home. I've said so many times when a chairman has distressed me with +just such compliments that the next time such a thing occurs I will +certainly use a gun on that chairman. It is my privilege to compliment +him in return. You behold before you a very, very old man. A cursory +glance at him would deceive the most penetrating. His features seem to +reveal a person dead to all honorable instincts--they seem to bear the +traces of all the known crimes, instead of the marks of a life spent for +the most part, and now altogether, in the Sunday-school of a life that +may well stand as an example to all generations that have risen or will +riz--I mean to say, will rise. His private character is altogether +suggestive of virtues which to all appearances he has got. If you +examine his past history you will find it as deceptive as his features, +because it is marked all over with waywardness and misdemeanor--mere +effects of a great spirit upon a weak body--mere accidents of a great +career. In his heart he cherishes every virtue on the list of virtues, +and he practises them all--secretly--always secretly. You all know him +so well that there is no need for him to be introduced here. Gentlemen, +Colonel Brown. + + + + + + +THE ALPHABET AND SIMPLIFIED SPELLING + + ADDRESS AT THE DINNER GIVEN TO MR. CARNEGIE AT THE DEDICATION + OF THE NEW YORK ENGINEERS' CLUB, DECEMBER 9, 1907 + + Mr. Clemens was introduced by the president of the club, who, + quoting from the Mark Twain autobiography, recalled the day + when the distinguished writer came to New York with $3 in small + change in his pockets and a $10 bill sewed in his clothes. + +It seems to me that I was around here in the neighborhood of the Public +Library about fifty or sixty years ago. I don't deny the circumstance, +although I don't see how you got it out of my autobiography, which was +not to be printed until I am dead, unless I'm dead now. I had that $3 in +change, and I remember well the $10 which was sewed in my coat. I have +prospered since. Now I have plenty of money and a disposition to +squander it, but I can't. One of those trust companies is taking care of +it. + +Now, as this is probably the last time that I shall be out after +nightfall this winter, I must say that I have come here with a mission, +and I would make my errand of value. + +Many compliments have been paid to Mr. Carnegie to-night. I was +expecting them. They are very gratifying to me. + +I have been a guest of honor myself, and I know what Mr. Carnegie is +experiencing now. It is embarrassing to get compliments and compliments +and only compliments, particularly when he knows as well as the rest of +us that on the other side of him there are all sorts of things worthy of +our condemnation. + +Just look at Mr. Carnegie's face. It is fairly scintillating with +fictitious innocence. You would think, looking at him, that he had never +committed a crime in his life. But no--look at his pestiferious +simplified spelling. You can't any of you imagine what a crime that has +been. Torquemada was nothing to Mr. Carnegie. That old fellow shed some +blood in the Inquisition, but Mr. Carnegie has brought destruction to the +entire race. I know he didn't mean it to be a crime, but it was, just +the same. He's got us all so we can't spell anything. + +The trouble with him is that he attacked orthography at the wrong end. +He meant well, but he, attacked the symptoms and not the cause of the +disease. He ought to have gone to work on the alphabet. There's not a +vowel in it with a definite value, and not a consonant that you can hitch +anything to. Look at the "h's" distributed all around. There's +"gherkin." What are you going to do with the "h" in that? What the +devil's the use of "h" in gherkin, I'd like to know. It's one thing I +admire the English for: they just don't mind anything about them at all. + +But look at the "pneumatics" and the "pneumonias" and the rest of them. +A real reform would settle them once and for all, and wind up by giving +us an alphabet that we wouldn't have to spell with at all, instead of +this present silly alphabet, which I fancy was invented by a drunken +thief. Why, there isn't a man who doesn't have to throw out about +fifteen hundred words a day when he writes his letters because he can't +spell them! It's like trying to do a St. Vitus's dance with wooden legs. + +Now I'll bet there isn't a man here who can spell "pterodactyl," not even +the prisoner at the bar. I'd like to hear him try once--but not in +public, for it's too near Sunday, when all extravagant histrionic +entertainments are barred. I'd like to hear him try in private, and when +he got through trying to spell "pterodactyl" you wouldn't know whether it +was a fish or a beast or a bird, and whether it flew on its legs or +walked with its wings. The chances are that he would give it tusks and +make it lay eggs. + +Let's get Mr. Carnegie to reform the alphabet, and we'll pray for him-- +if he'll take the risk. If we had adequate, competent vowels, with a +system of accents, giving to each vowel its own soul and value, so every +shade of that vowel would be shown in its accent, there is not a word in +any tongue that we could not spell accurately. That would be competent, +adequate, simplified spelling, in contrast to the clipping, the hair +punching, the carbuncles, and the cancers which go by the name of +simplified spelling. If I ask you what b-o-w spells you can't tell me +unless you know which b-o-w I mean, and it is the same with r-o-w, b-o-r- +e, and the whole family of words which were born out of lawful wedlock +and don't know their own origin. + +Now, if we had an alphabet that was adequate and competent, instead of +inadequate and incompetent, things would be different. Spelling reform +has only made it bald-headed and unsightly. There is the whole tribe of +them, "row" and "read" and "lead"--a whole family who don't know who they +are. I ask you to pronounce s-o-w, and you ask me what kind of a one. + +If we had a sane, determinate alphabet, instead of a hospital of +comminuted eunuchs, you would know whether one referred to the act of a +man casting the seed over the ploughed land or whether one wished to +recall the lady hog and the future ham. + +It's a rotten alphabet. I appoint Mr. Carnegie to get after it, and +leave simplified spelling alone. + +Simplified spelling brought about sun-spots, the San Francisco +earthquake, and the recent business depression, which we would never have +had if spelling had been left all alone. + +Now, I hope I have soothed Mr. Carnegie and made him more comfortable +than he would have been had he received only compliment after compliment, +and I wish to say to him that simplified spelling is all right, but, like +chastity, you can carry it too far. + + + + + + +SPELLING AND PICTURES + + ADDRESS AT THE ANNUAL DINNER OF THE ASSOCIATED PRESS, AT THE + WALDORF-ASTORIA, SEPTEMBER 18, 1906 + +I am here to make an appeal to the nations in behalf of the simplified +spelling. I have come here because they cannot all be reached except +through you. There are only two forces that can carry light to all the +corners of the globe--only two--the sun in the heavens and the Associated +Press down here. I may seem to be flattering the sun, but I do not mean +it so; I am meaning only to be just and fair all around. You speak with +a million voices; no one can reach so many races, so many hearts and +intellects, as you--except Rudyard Kipling, and he cannot do it without +your help. If the Associated Press will adopt and use our simplified +forms, and thus spread them to the ends of the earth, covering the whole +spacious planet with them as with a garden of flowers, our difficulties +are at an end. + +Every day of the three hundred and sixty-five the only pages of the +world's countless newspapers that are read by all the human beings and +angels and devils that can read, are these pages that are built out of +Associated Press despatches. And so I beg you, I beseech you--oh, I +implore you to spell them in our simplified forms. Do this daily, +constantly, persistently, for three months--only three months--it is all +I ask. The infallible result?--victory, victory all down the line. For +by that time all eyes here and above and below will have become adjusted +to the change and in love with it, and the present clumsy and ragged +forms will be grotesque to the eye and revolting to the soul. And we +shall be rid of phthisis and phthisic and pneumonia and pneumatics, and +diphtheria and pterodactyl, and all those other insane words which no man +addicted to the simple Christian life can try to spell and not lose some +of the bloom of his piety in the demoralizing attempt. Do not doubt it. +We are chameleons, and our partialities and prejudices change places with +an easy and blessed facility, and we are soon wonted to the change and +happy in it. We do not regret our old, yellow fangs and snags and tushes +after we have worn nice, fresh, uniform store teeth a while. + +Do I seem to be seeking the good of the world? That is the idea. It is +my public attitude; privately I am merely seeking my own profit. We all +do it, but it is sound and it is virtuous, for no public interest is +anything other or nobler than a massed accumulation of private interests. +In 1883, when the simplified-spelling movement first tried to make a +noise, I was indifferent to it; more--I even irreverently scoffed at it. +What I needed was an object-lesson, you see. It is the only way to teach +some people. Very well, I got it. At that time I was scrambling along, +earning the family's bread on magazine work at seven cents a word, +compound words at single rates, just as it is in the dark present. +I was the property of a magazine, a seven-cent slave under a boiler-iron +contract. One day there came a note from the editor requiring me to +write ten pages--on this revolting text: "Considerations concerning the +alleged subterranean holophotal extemporaneousness of the conchyliaceous +superimbrication of the Ornithorhyncus, as foreshadowed by the +unintelligibility of its plesiosaurian anisodactylous aspects." + +Ten pages of that. Each and every word a seventeen-jointed vestibuled +railroad train. Seven cents a word. I saw starvation staring the family +in the face. I went to the editor, and I took a stenographer along so as +to have the interview down in black and white, for no magazine editor can +ever remember any part of a business talk except the part that's got +graft in it for him and the magazine. I said, "Read that text, Jackson, +and let it go on the record; read it out loud." He read it: +"Considerations concerning the alleged subterranean holophotal +extemporaneousness of the conchyliaceous superimbrication of the +Ornithorhyncus, as foreshadowed by the unintelligibility of its +plesiosaurian anisodactylous aspects." + +I said, "You want ten pages of those rumbling, great, long, summer +thunderpeals, and you expect to get them at seven cents a peal?" + +He said, "A word's a word, and seven cents is the contract; what are you +going to do about it?" + +I said, "Jackson, this is cold-blooded oppression. What's an average +English word?" + +He said, "Six letters." + +I said, "Nothing of the kind; that's French, and includes the spaces +between the words; an average English word is four letters and a half. +By hard, honest labor I've dug all the large words out of my vocabulary +and shaved it down till the average is three letters and a half. I can +put one thousand and two hundred words on your page, and there's not +another man alive that can come within two hundred of it. My page is +worth eighty-four dollars to me. It takes exactly as long to fill your +magazine page with long words as it does with short ones-four hours. +Now, then, look at the criminal injustice of this requirement of yours. +I am careful, I am economical of my time and labor. For the family's +sake I've got to be so. So I never write 'metropolis' for seven cents, +because I can get the same money for 'city.' I never write 'policeman,' +because I can get the same price for 'cop.' And so on and so on. I never +write 'valetudinarian' at all, for not even hunger and wretchedness can +humble me to the point where I will do a word like that for seven cents; +I wouldn't do it for fifteen. Examine your obscene text, please; count +the words." + +He counted and said it was twenty-four. I asked him to count the +letters. He made it two hundred and three. + +I said, "Now, I hope you see the whole size of your crime. With my +vocabulary I would make sixty words out of those two hundred and five +letters, and get four dollars and twenty cents for it; whereas for your +inhuman twenty-four I would get only one dollar and sixty-eight cents. +Ten pages of these sky-scrapers of yours would pay me only about three +hundred dollars; in my simplified vocabulary the same space and the same +labor would pay me eight hundred and forty dollars. I do not wish to +work upon this scandalous job by the piece. I want to be hired by the +year." He coldly refused. I said: + +"Then for the sake of the family, if you have no feeling for me, you +ought at least to allow me overtime on that word extemporaneousness." +Again he coldly refused. I seldom say a harsh word to any one, but I was +not master of myself then, and I spoke right out and called him an +anisodactylous plesiosaurian conchyliaceous Ornithorhyncus, and rotten to +the heart with holoaophotal subterranean extemporaneousness. God forgive +me for that wanton crime; he lived only two hours. + +From that day to this I have been a devoted and hard-working member of +the heaven-born institution, the International Association for the +Prevention of Cruelty to Authors, and now I am laboring with Carnegie's +Simplified Committee, and with my heart in the work . . . . + +Now then, let us look at this mighty question reasonably, rationally, +sanely--yes, and calmly, not excitedly. What is the real function, the +essential function, the supreme function, of language? Isn't it merely +to convey ideas and emotions? Certainly. Then if we can do it with +words of fonetic brevity and compactness, why keep the present cumbersome +forms? But can we? Yes. I hold in my hand the proof of it. Here is a +letter written by a woman, right out of her heart of hearts. I think she +never saw a spelling-book in her life. The spelling is her own. There +isn't a waste letter in it anywhere. It reduces the fonetics to the last +gasp--it squeezes the surplusage out of every word--there's no spelling +that can begin with it on this planet outside of the White House. And as +for the punctuation, there isn't any. It is all one sentence, eagerly +and breathlessly uttered, without break or pause in it anywhere. The +letter is absolutely genuine--I have the proofs of that in my possession. +I can't stop to spell the words for you, but you can take the letter +presently and comfort your eyes with it. I will read the letter: + +"Miss dear freind I took some Close into the armerry and give them to you +to Send too the suffrers out to California and i Hate to treble you but i +got to have one of them Back it was a black oll wolle Shevyott With a +jacket to Mach trimed Kind of Fancy no 38 Burst measure and palsy +menterry acrost the front And the color i woodent Trubble you but it +belonged to my brothers wife and she is Mad about it i thoght she was +willin but she want she says she want done with it and she was going to +Wear it a Spell longer she ant so free harted as what i am and she Has +got more to do with Than i have having a Husband to Work and slave For +her i gels you remember Me I am shot and stout and light complected i +torked with you quite a spell about the suffrars and said it was orful +about that erth quake I shoodent wondar if they had another one rite off +seeine general Condision of the country is Kind of Explossive i hate to +take that Black dress away from the suffrars but i will hunt round And +see if i can get another One if i can i will call to the armerry for it +if you will jest lay it asside so no more at present from your True +freind + +"i liked your +appearance very Much" + +Now you see what simplified spelling can do. + +It can convey any fact you need to convey; and it can pour out emotions +like a sewer. I beg you, I beseech you, to adopt our spelling, and print +all your despatches in it. + +Now I wish to say just one entirely serious word: + +I have reached a time of life, seventy years and a half, where none of +the concerns of this world have much interest for me personally. I think +I can speak dispassionately upon this matter, because in the little while +that I have got to remain here I can get along very well with these old- +fashioned forms, and I don't propose to make any trouble about it at all. +I shall soon be where they won't care how I spell so long as I keep the +Sabbath. + +There are eighty-two millions of us people that use this orthography, and +it ought to be simplified in our behalf, but it is kept in its present +condition to satisfy one million people who like to have their literature +in the old form. That looks to me to be rather selfish, and we keep the +forms as they are while we have got one million people coming in here +from foreign countries every year and they have got to struggle with this +orthography of ours, and it keeps them back and damages their citizenship +for years until they learn to spell the language, if they ever do learn. +This is merely sentimental argument. + +People say it is the spelling of Chaucer and Spencer and Shakespeare and +a lot of other people who do not know how to spell anyway, and it has +been transmitted to us and we preserved it and wish to preserve it +because of its ancient and hallowed associations. + +Now, I don't see that there is any real argument about that. If that +argument is good, then it would be a good argument not to banish the +flies and the cockroaches from hospitals because they have been there so +long that the patients have got used to them and they feel a tenderness +for them on account of the associations. Why, it is like preserving a +cancer in a family because it is a family cancer, and we are bound to it +by the test of affection and reverence and old, mouldy antiquity. + +I think that this declaration to improve this orthography of ours is our +family cancer, and I wish we could reconcile ourselves to have it cut out +and let the family cancer go. + +Now, you see before you the wreck and ruin of what was once a young +person like yourselves. I am exhausted by the heat of the day. I must +take what is left of this wreck and run out of your presence and carry it +away to my home and spread it out there and sleep the sleep of the +righteous. There is nothing much left of me but my age and my +righteousness, but I leave with you my love and my blessing, and may you +always keep your youth. + + + + + + +BOOKS AND BURGLARS + + ADDRESS TO THE REDDING (CONN.) LIBRARY ASSOCIATION, + OCTOBER 28, 1908 + +Suppose this library had been in operation a few weeks ago, and the +burglars who happened along and broke into my house--taking a lot of +things they didn't need, and for that matter which I didn't need--had +first made entry into this institution. + +Picture them seated here on the floor, poring by the light of their dark- +lanterns over some of the books they found, and thus absorbing moral +truths and getting a moral uplift. The whole course of their lives would +have been changed. As it was, they kept straight on in their immoral way +and were sent to jail. + +For all we know, they may next be sent to Congress. + +And, speaking of burglars, let us not speak of them too harshly. Now, I +have known so many burglars--not exactly known, but so many of them have +come near me in my various dwelling-places, that I am disposed to allow +them credit for whatever good qualities they possess. + +Chief among these, and, indeed, the only one I just now think of, is +their great care while doing business to avoid disturbing people's sleep. + +Noiseless as they may be while at work, however, the effect of their +visitation is to murder sleep later on. + +Now we are prepared for these visitors. All sorts of alarm devices have +been put in the house, and the ground for half a mile around it has been +electrified. The burglar who steps within this danger zone will set +loose a bedlam of sounds, and spring into readiness for action our +elaborate system of defences. As for the fate of the trespasser, do not +seek to know that. He will never be heard of more. + + + + + + + +AUTHORS' CLUB + + ADDRESS AT THE DINNER GIVEN IN HONOR OF MR. CLEMENS, LONDON, + JUNE, 1899 + + Mr. Clemens was introduced by Sir Walter Besant. + +It does not embarrass me to hear my books praised so much. It only +pleases and delights me. I have not gone beyond the age when +embarrassment is possible, but I have reached the age when I know how to +conceal it. It is such a satisfaction to me to hear Sir Walter Besant, +who is much more capable than I to judge of my work, deliver a judgment +which is such a contentment to my spirit. + +Well, I have thought well of the books myself, but I think more of them +now. It charms me also to hear Sir Spencer Walpole deliver a similar +judgment, and I shall treasure his remarks also. I shall not discount +the praises in any possible way. When I report them to my family they +shall lose nothing. There are, however, certain heredities which come +down to us which our writings of the present day may be traced to. +I, for instance, read the Walpole Letters when I was a boy. I absorbed +them, gathered in their grace, wit, and humor, and put them away to be +used by-and-by. One does that so unconsciously with things one really +likes. I am reminded now of what use those letters have been to me. + +They must not claim credit in America for what was really written in +another form so long ago. They must only claim that I trimmed this, +that, and the other, and so changed their appearance as to make them seem +to be original. You now see what modesty I have in stock. But it has +taken long practice to get it there. + +But I must not stand here talking. I merely meant to get up and give my +thanks for the pleasant things that preceding speakers have said of me. +I wish also to extend my thanks to the Authors' Club for constituting me +a member, at a reasonable price per year, and for giving me the benefit +of your legal adviser. + +I believe you keep a lawyer. I have always kept a lawyer, too, though I +have never made anything out of him. It is service to an author to have +a lawyer. There is something so disagreeable in having a personal +contact with a publisher. So it is better to work through a lawyer--and +lose your case. I understand that the publishers have been meeting +together also like us. I don't know what for, but possibly they are +devising new and mysterious ways for remunerating authors. I only wish +now to thank you for electing me a member of this club--I believe I have +paid my dues--and to thank you again for the pleasant things you have +said of me. + +Last February, when Rudyard Kipling was ill in America, the sympathy +which was poured out to him was genuine and sincere, and I believe that +which cost Kipling so much will bring England and America closer +together. I have been proud and pleased to see this growing affection +and respect between the two countries. I hope it will continue to grow, +and, please God, it will continue to grow. I trust we authors will leave +to posterity, if we have nothing else to leave, a friendship between +England and America that will count for much. I will now confess that +I have been engaged for the past eight days in compiling a publication. +I have brought it here to lay at your feet. I do not ask your indulgence +in presenting it, but for your applause. + +Here it is: "Since England and America may be joined together in +Kipling, may they not be severed in 'Twain.'" + + + + + + +BOOKSELLERS + + Address at banquet on Wednesday evening, May 20, 1908, of the + American Booksellers' Association, which included most of the + leading booksellers of America, held at the rooms of the Aldine + Association, New York. + +This annual gathering of booksellers from all over America comes together +ostensibly to eat and drink, but really to discuss, business; therefore +I am required to, talk shop. I am required to furnish a statement of the +indebtedness under which I lie to you gentlemen for your help in enabling +me to earn my living. For something over forty years I have acquired my +bread by print, beginning with The Innocents Abroad, followed at +intervals of a year or so by Roughing It, Tom Sawyer, Gilded Age, and so +on. For thirty-six years my books were sold by subscription. You are +not interested in those years, but only in the four which have since +followed. The books passed into the hands of my present publishers at +the beginning of 1900, and you then became the providers of my diet. +I think I may say, without flattering you, that you have done exceedingly +well by me. Exceedingly well is not too strong a phrase, since the +official statistics show that in four years you have sold twice as many +volumes of my venerable books as my contract with my publishers bound you +and them to sell in five years. To your sorrow you are aware that +frequently, much too frequently, when a book gets to be five or ten years +old its annual sale shrinks to two or three hundred copies, and after an +added ten or twenty years ceases to sell. But you sell thousands of my +moss-backed old books every year--the youngest of them being books that +range from fifteen to twenty-seven years old, and the oldest reaching +back to thirty-five and forty. + +By the terms of my contract my publishers had to account to me for, +50,000 volumes per year for five years, and pay me for them whether they +sold them or not. It is at this point that you gentlemen come in, for it +was your business to unload 250,000 volumes upon the public in five years +if you possibly could. Have you succeeded? Yes, you have--and more. +For in four years, with a year still to spare, you have sold the 250,000 +volumes, and 240,000 besides. + +Your sales have increased each year. In the first year you sold 90,328; +in the second year, 104,851; in the third, 133,975; in the fourth year-- +which was last year--you sold 160,000. The aggregate for the four years +is 500,000 volumes, lacking 11,000. + +Of the oldest book, The Innocents Abroad,--now forty years old--you sold +upward of 46,000 copies in the four years; of Roughing It--now thirty- +eight years old; I think--you sold 40,334; of Tom Sawyer, 41,000. And so +on. + +And there is one thing that is peculiarly gratifying to me: the Personal +Recollections of Joan of Arc is a serious book; I wrote it for love, and +never expected it to sell, but you have pleasantly disappointed me in +that matter. In your hands its sale has increased each year. In 1904 +you sold 1726 copies; in 1905, 2445; in 1906, 5381; and last year, 6574. + + + + + + +"MARK TWAIN'S FIRST APPEARANCE" + + On October 5, 1906, Mr. Clemens, following a musical recital by + his daughter in Norfolk, Conn., addressed her audience on the + subject of stage-fright. He thanked the people for making + things as easy as possible for his daughter's American debut as + a contralto, and then told of his first experience before the + public. + +My heart goes out in sympathy to any one who is making his first +appearance before an audience of human beings. By a direct process of +memory I go back forty years, less one month--for I'm older than I look. + +I recall the occasion of my first appearance. San Francisco knew me then +only as a reporter, and I was to make my bow to San Francisco as a +lecturer. I knew that nothing short of compulsion would get me to the +theatre. So I bound myself by a hard-and-fast contract so that I could +not escape. I got to the theatre forty-five minutes before the hour set +for the lecture. My knees were shaking so that I didn't know whether I +could stand up. If there is an awful, horrible malady in the world, it +is stage-fright-and seasickness. They are a pair. I had stage-fright +then for the first and last time. I was only seasick once, too. It was +on a little ship on which there were two hundred other passengers. I-- +was--sick. I was so sick that there wasn't any left for those other two +hundred passengers. + +It was dark and lonely behind the scenes in that theatre, and I peeked +through the little peekholes they have in theatre curtains and looked +into the big auditorium. That was dark and empty, too. By-and-by it +lighted up, and the audience began to arrive. + +I had got a number of friends of mine, stalwart men, to sprinkle +themselves through the audience armed with big clubs. Every time I said +anything they could possibly guess I intended to be funny they were to +pound those clubs on the floor. Then there was a kind lady in a box up +there, also a good friend of mine, the wife of the Governor. She was to +watch me intently, and whenever I glanced toward her she was going to +deliver a gubernatorial laugh that would lead the whole audience into +applause. + +At last I began. I had the manuscript tucked under a United States flag +in front of me where I could get at it in case of need. But I managed to +get started without it. I walked up and down--I was young in those days +and needed the exercise--and talked and talked. + +Right in the middle of the speech I had placed a gem. I had put in a +moving, pathetic part which was to get at the hearts and souls of my +hearers. When I delivered it they did just what I hoped and expected. +They sat silent and awed. I had touched them. Then I happened to glance +up at the box where the Governor's wife was--you know what happened. + +Well, after the first agonizing five minutes, my stage-fright left me, +never to return. I know if I was going to be hanged I could get up and +make a good showing, and I intend to. But I shall never forget my +feelings before the agony left me, and I got up here to thank you for her +for helping my daughter, by your kindness, to live through her first +appearance. And I want to thank you for your appreciation of her +singing, which is, by-the-way, hereditary. + + + + + + +MORALS AND MEMORY + + Mr. Clemens was the guest of honor at a reception held at + Barnard College (Columbia University), March 7, 1906, by the + Barnard Union. One of the young ladies presented Mr. Clemens, + and thanked him for his amiability in coming to make them an + address. She closed with the expression of the great joy it + gave her fellow-collegians, "because we all love you." + +If any one here loves me, she has my sincere thanks. Nay, if any one +here is so good as to love me--why, I'll be a brother to her. She shall +have my sincere, warm, unsullied affection. When I was coming up in the +car with the very kind young lady who was delegated to show me the way, +she asked me what I was going to talk about. And I said I wasn't sure. +I said I had some illustrations, and I was going to bring them in. +I said I was certain to give those illustrations, but that I hadn't the +faintest notion what they were going to illustrate. + +Now, I've been thinking it over in this forest glade [indicating the +woods of Arcady on the scene setting], and I've decided to work them in +with something about morals and the caprices of memory. That seems to me +to be a pretty good subject. You see, everybody has a memory and it's +pretty sure to have caprices. And, of course, everybody has morals. + +It's my opinion that every one I know has morals, though I wouldn't like +to ask. I know I have. But I'd rather teach them than practice them any +day. "Give them to others"--that's my motto. Then you never have any +use for them when you're left without. Now, speaking of the caprices of +memory in general, and of mine in particular, it's strange to think of +all the tricks this little mental process plays on us. Here we're +endowed with a faculty of mind that ought to be more supremely +serviceable to us than them all. And what happens? This memory of ours +stores up a perfect record of the most useless facts and anecdotes and +experiences. And all the things that we ought to know--that we need to +know--that we'd profit by knowing--it casts aside with the careless +indifference of a girl refusing her true lover. It's terrible to think +of this phenomenon. I tremble in all my members when I consider all the +really valuable things that I've forgotten in seventy years--when I +meditate upon the caprices of my memory. + +There's a bird out in California that is one perfect symbol of the human +memory. I've forgotten the bird's name (just because it would be +valuable for me to know it--to recall it to your own minds, perhaps). + +But this fool of a creature goes around collecting the most ridiculous +things you can imagine and storing them up. He never selects a thing +that could ever prove of the slightest help to him; but he goes about +gathering iron forks, and spoons, and tin cans, and broken mouse-traps +--all sorts of rubbish that is difficult for him to carry and yet be any +use when he gets it. Why, that bird will go by a gold watch to bring +back one of those patent cake-pans. + +Now, my mind is just like that, and my mind isn't very different from +yours--and so our minds are just like that bird. We pass by what would +be of inestimable value to us, and pack our memories with the most +trivial odds and ends that never by any chance; under any circumstances +whatsoever, could be of the slightest use to any one. + +Now, things that I have remembered are constantly popping into my head. +And I am repeatedly startled by the vividness with which they recur to me +after the lapse of years and their utter uselessness in being remembered +at all. + +I was thinking over some on my way up here. They were the illustrations +I spoke about to the young lady on the way up. And I've come to the +conclusion, curious though it is, that I can use every one of these +freaks of memory to teach you all a lesson. I'm convinced that each one +has its moral. And I think it's my duty to hand the moral on to you. + +Now, I recall that when I was a boy I was a good boy--I was a very good +boy. Why, I was the best boy in my school. I was the best boy in that +little Mississippi town where I lived. The population was only about +twenty million. You may not believe it, but I was the best boy in that +State--and in the United States, for that matter. + +But I don't know why I never heard any one say that but myself. I always +recognized it. But even those nearest and dearest to me couldn't seem to +see it. My mother, especially, seemed to think there was something wrong +with that estimate. And she never got over that prejudice. + +Now, when my mother got to be eighty-five years old her memory failed +her. She forgot little threads that hold life's patches of meaning +together. She was living out West then, and I went on to visit her. + +I hadn't seen my mother in a year or so. And when I got there she knew +my face; knew I was married; knew I had a family, and that I was living +with them. But she couldn't, for the life of her, tell my name or who I +was. So I told her I was her boy. + +"But you don't live with me," she said. + +"No," said I, "I'm living in Rochester." + +"What are you doing there?" + +"Going to school." + +"Large school?" + +"Very large." + +"All boys?" + +"All boys." + +"And how do you stand?" said my mother. + +"I'm the best boy in that school," I answered. + +"Well," said my mother, with a return of her old fire, "I'd like to know +what the other boys are like." + +Now, one point in this story is the fact that my mother's mind went back +to my school days, and remembered my little youthful self-prejudice when +she'd forgotten everything else about me. + +The other point is the moral. There's one there that you will find if +you search for it. + +Now, here's something else I remember. It's about the first time I ever +stole a watermelon. "Stole" is a strong word. Stole? Stole? No, I +don't mean that. It was the first time I ever withdrew a watermelon. +It was the first time I ever extracted a watermelon. That is exactly the +word I want--"extracted." It is definite. It is precise. It perfectly +conveys my idea. Its use in dentistry connotes the delicate shade of +meaning I am looking for. You know we never extract our own teeth. + +And it was not my watermelon that I extracted. I extracted that +watermelon from a farmer's wagon while he was inside negotiating with an +other customer. I carried that watermelon to one of the secluded +recesses of the lumber-yard, and there I broke it open. + +It was a green watermelon. + +Well, do you know when I saw that I began to feel sorry--sorry--sorry. +It seemed to me that I had done wrong. I reflected deeply. I reflected +that I was young--I think I was just eleven. But I knew that though +immature I did not lack moral advancement. I knew what a boy ought to do +who had extracted a watermelon--like that. + +I considered George Washington, and what action he would have taken under +similar circumstances. Then I knew there was just one thing to make me +feel right inside, and that was--Restitution. + +So I said to myself: "I will do that. I will take that green watermelon +back where I got it from." And the minute I had said it I felt that +great moral uplift that comes to you when you've made a noble resolution. + +So I gathered up the biggest fragments, and I carried them back to the +farmer's wagon, and I restored the watermelon--what was left of it. And +I made him give me a good one in place of it, too. + +And I told him he ought to be ashamed of himself going around working off +his worthless, old, green watermelons on trusting purchasers who had to +rely on him. How could they tell from the outside whither the melons +were good or not? That was his business. Arid if he didn't reform, I +told him I'd see that he didn't get any more of my trade--nor anybody, +else's I knew, if I could help it. + +You know that man was as contrite as a revivalist's last convert. +He said he was all broken up to think I'd gotten a green watermelon. +He promised the he would never carry another green watermelon if he +starved for it. And he drove off--a better man. + +Now, do you see what I did for that man? He was on a downward path, and +I rescued him. But all I got out of it was a watermelon. + +Yet I'd rather have that memory--just that memory of the good I did for +that depraved farmer--than all the material gain you can think of. Look +at the lesson he got! I never got anything like that from it. But I +ought to be satisfied: I was only eleven years old, but I secured +everlasting benefit to other people. + +The moral in this is perfectly clear, and I think there's one in they +next memory I'm going to tell you about. + +To go back to my childhood, there's another little incident that comes to +me from which you can draw even another moral. It's about one of the +times I went fishing. You see, in our house there was a sort of family +prejudice against going fishing if you hadn't permission. But it would +frequently be bad judgment to ask. So I went fishing secretly, as it +were--way up the Mississippi. It was an exquisitely happy trip, I +recall, with a very pleasant sensation. + +Well, while I was away there was a tragedy in our town. A stranger, +stopping over on his way East from California; was stabbed to death in an +unseemly brawl. + +Now; my father was justice of the peace, and because he was justice of +the peace he was coroner; and since he was coroner he was also constable; +and being constable he vas sheriff; and out of consideration for his +holding the office of sheriff he was likewise county clerk and a dozen +other officials I don't think of just this minute. + +I thought he had power of life or death, only he didn't use it over other +boys. He was sort of an austere man. Somehow I didn't like being round +him when I'd done anything he, disapproved of. So that's the reason I +wasn't often around. + +Well, when this gentleman got knifed they communicated with the proper +authority; the coroner, and they laid, the corpse out in the coroner's +office--our front sitting-room--in preparation for the inquest the next +morning. + +About 9 or 10 o'clock I got back from fishing. It was a little too late +for me to be received by my folks, so I took my shoes off and slipped +noiselessly up the back way to the sitting-room. I was very tired, and I +didn't wish to disturb my people. So I groped my way to the sofa and lay +down. + +Now, I didn't know anything of what had happened during my absence. +But I was sort of nervous on my own account-afraid of being caught, +and rather dubious about the morning affair. And I had been lying there +a few moments when my eyes gradually got used to the darkness, and I +became aware of something on the other side of the room. + +It was something foreign to the apartment. It had an uncanny appearance. +And I sat up looking very hard, and wondering what in heaven this long, +formless, vicious-looking thing might be. + +First I thought I'd go and see. Then I thought, "Never mind that." + +Mind you, I had no cowardly sensations whatever, but it didn't seem +exactly prudent to investigate. But I somehow couldn't keep my eyes off +the thing. And the more I looked at it the more disagreeably it grew on +me. But I was resolved to play the man. So I decided to turn over and +count a hundred, and let the patch of moonlight creep up and show me what +the dickens it was. + +I turned over and tried to count, but I couldn't keep my mind on it. +I kept thinking of that grewsome mass. I was losing count all the time, +and going back and beginning over again. Oh no; I wasn't frightened-- +just annoyed. But by the time I'd gotten to the century mark I turned +cautiously over and opened my eyes with great fortitude. + +The moonlight revealed to me a marble-white human hand. Well, maybe I +wasn't embarrassed! But then that changed to a creepy feeling again, and +I thought I'd try the counting again. I don't know how many hours or +weeks it was that I lay there counting hard. But the moonlight crept up +that white arm, and it showed me a lead face and a terrible wound over +the heart. + +I could scarcely say that I was terror-stricken or anything like that. +But somehow his eyes interested me so that I went right out of the +window. I didn't need the sash. But it seemed easier to take it than +leave it behind. + +Now, let that teach you a lesson--I don't know just what it is. But at +seventy years old I find that memory of peculiar value to me. I have +been unconsciously guided by it all these years. Things that seemed +pigeon-holed and remote are a perpetual influence. Yes, you're taught in +so many ways. And you're so felicitously taught when you don't know it. + +Here's something else that taught me a good deal. + +When I was seventeen I was very bashful, and a sixteen-year-old girl came +to stay a week with us. She was a peach, and I was seized with a +happiness not of this world. + +One evening my mother suggested that, to entertain her, I take her to the +theatre. I didn't really like to, because I was seventeen and sensitive +about appearing in the streets with a girl. I couldn't see my way to +enjoying my delight in public. But we went. + +I didn't feel very happy. I couldn't seem to keep my mind on the play. +I became conscious, after a while, that that was due less to my lovely +company than my boots. They were sweet to look upon, as smooth as skin, +but fitted ten time as close. I got oblivious to the play and the girl +and the other people and everything but my boots until--I hitched one +partly off. The sensation was sensuously perfect: I couldn't help it. I +had to get the other off, partly. Then I was obliged to get them off +altogether, except that I kept my feet in the legs so they couldn't get +away. + +From that time I enjoyed the play. But the first thing I knew the +curtain came down, like that, without my notice, and--I hadn't any boots +on. What's more, they wouldn't go on. I tugged strenuously. And the +people in our row got up and fussed and said things until the peach and I +simply had to move on. + +We moved--the girl on one arm and the boots under the other. + +We walked home that way, sixteen blocks, with a retinue a mile long: +Every time we passed a lamp-post, death gripped one at the throat. But +we, got home--and I had on white socks. + +If I live to be nine hundred and ninety-nine years old I don't suppose I +could ever forget that walk. I, remember, it about as keenly as the +chagrin I suffered on another occasion. + +At one time in our domestic history we had a colored butler who had a +failing. He could never remember to ask people who came to the door to +state their business. So I used to suffer a good many calls +unnecessarily. + +One morning when I was especially busy he brought me a card engraved with +a name I did not know. So I said, "What does he wish to see me for?" and +Sylvester said, "Ah couldn't ask him, sah; he, wuz a genlinun." "Return +instantly," I thundered, "and inquire his mission. Ask him what's his +game." Well, Sylvester returned with the announcement that he had +lightning-rods to sell. "Indeed," said I, "things are coming to a fine +pass when lightning-rod agents send up engraved cards." "He has +pictures," added Sylvester. "Pictures, indeed! He maybe peddling +etchings. Has he a Russia leather case?" But Sylvester was too +frightened to remember. I said; "I am going down to make it hot for that +upstart!" + +I went down the stairs, working up my temper all the way. When I got to +the parlor I was in a fine frenzy concealed beneath a veneer of frigid +courtesy. And when I looked in the door, sure enough he had a Russia +leather case in his hand. But I didn't happen to notice that it was our +Russia leather case. + +And if you'd believe me, that man was sitting with a whole gallery of +etchings spread out before him. But I didn't happen to notice that they +were our etchings, spread out by some member of my family for some +unguessed purpose. + +Very curtly I asked the gentleman his business. With a surprised, timid +manner he faltered that he had met my wife and daughter at Onteora, and +they had asked him to call. Fine lie, I thought, and I froze him. + +He seemed to be kind of non-plussed, and sat there fingering the etchings +in the case until I told him he needn't bother, because we had those. +That pleased him so much that he leaned over, in an embarrassed way, to +pick up another from the floor. But I stopped him. I said, "We've got +that, too." He seemed pitifully amazed, but I was congratulating myself +on my great success. + +Finally the gentleman asked where Mr. Winton lived; he'd met him in the +mountains, too. So I said I'd show him gladly. And I did on the spot. +And when he was gone I felt queer, because there were all his etchings +spread out on the floor. + +Well, my wife came in and asked me who had been in. I showed her the +card, and told her all exultantly. To my dismay she nearly fainted. She +told me he had been a most kind friend to them in the country, and had +forgotten to tell me that he was expected our way. And she pushed me out +of the door, and commanded me to get over to the Wintons in a hurry and +get him back. + +I came into the drawing-room, where Mrs. Winton was sitting up very stiff +in a chair, beating me at my own game. Well, I began, to put another +light on things. Before many seconds Mrs. Winton saw it was time to +change her temperature. In five minutes I had asked the man to luncheon, +and she to dinner, and so on. + +We made that fellow change his trip and stay a week, and we gave him the +time of his life. Why, I don't believe we let him get sober the whole +time. + +I trust that you will carry away some good thought from these lessons I +have given you, and that the memory of them will inspire you to higher +things, and elevate you to plans far above the old--and--and-- + +And I tell you one thing, young ladies: I've had a better time with you +to-day than with that peach fifty-three years ago. + + + + + + +QUEEN VICTORIA + + ADDRESS TO THE BRITISH SCHOOLS AND UNIVERSITIES CLUB, AT + DELMONICO'S, MONDAY, MAY 25, IN HONOR OF QUEEN VICTORIA'S + BIRTHDAY + + Mr. Clemens told the story of his duel with a rival editor: how + he practised firing at a barn door and failed to hit it, but a + friend of his took off the head of a little bird at thirty-five + yards and attributed the shot to Mark twain. The duel did not + take place. Mr. Clemens continued as follows: + +It also happened that I was the means of stopping duelling in Nevada, for +a law was passed sending all duellists to jail for two years, and the +Governor, hearing of my marksmanship, said that if he got me I should go +to prison for the full term. That's why I left Nevada, and I have not +been there since. + +You do me a high honor, indeed, in selecting me to speak of my country +in this commemoration of the birthday of that noble lady whose life was +consecrated to the virtues and the humanities and to the promotion of +lofty ideals, and was a model upon which many a humbler life was formed +and made beautiful while she lived, and upon which many such lives will +still be formed in the generations that are to come--a life which finds +its just image in the star which falls out of its place in the sky and +out of existence, but whose light still streams with unfaded lustre +across the abysses of space long after its fires have been extinguished +at their source. + +As a woman the Queen was all that the most exacting standards could +require. As a far-reaching and effective beneficent moral force she had +no peer in her time among either, monarchs or commoners. As a monarch +she was without reproach in her great office. We may not venture, +perhaps, to say so sweeping a thing as this in cold blood about any +monarch that preceded her upon either her own throne or upon any other. +It is a colossal eulogy, but it is justified. + +In those qualities of the heart which beget affection in all sorts and +conditions of men she was rich, surprisingly rich, and for this she will +still be remembered and revered in the far-off ages when the political +glories of her reign shall have faded from vital history and fallen to a +place in that scrap-heap of unverifiable odds and ends which we call +tradition. Which is to say, in briefer phrase, that her name will live +always. And with it her character--a fame rare in the history of +thrones, dominions, principalities, and powers, since it will not rest +upon harvested selfish and sordid ambitions, but upon love, earned and +freely vouchsafed. She mended broken hearts where she could, but she +broke none. + +What she did for us in America in our time of storm and stress we shall +not forget, and whenever we call it to mind we shall always remember the +wise and righteous mind that guided her in it and sustained and supported +her--Prince Albert's. We need not talk any idle talk here to-night about +either possible or impossible war between the two countries; there will +be no war while we remain sane and the son of Victoria and Albert sits +upon the throne. In conclusion, I believe I may justly claim to utter +the voice of my country in saying that we hold him in deep honor, and +also in cordially wishing him a long life and a happy reign. + + + + + + +JOAN OF ARC + + ADDRESS AT THE DINNER OF THE SOCIETY OF ILLUSTRATORS, GIVEN AT + THE ALDINE ASSOCIATION CLUB, DECEMBER 22, 1905 + + Just before Mr. Clemens made his speech, a young woman attired + as Joan of Arc, with a page bearing her flag of battle, + courtesied reverently and tendered Mr. Clemens a laurel wreath + on a satin pillow. He tried to speak, but his voice failed + from excess of emotion. "I thank you!" he finally exclaimed, + and, pulling him self together, he began his speech. + +Now there is an illustration [pointing to the retreating Joan of Arc]. +That is exactly what I wanted--precisely what I wanted--when I was +describing to myself Joan of Arc, after studying her history and her +character for twelve years diligently. + +That was the product--not the conventional Joan of Arc. Wherever you +find the conventional Joan of Arc in history she is an offence to anybody +who knows the story of that wonderful girl. + +Why, she was--she was almost supreme in several details. She had a +marvellous intellect; she had a great heart, had a noble spirit, was +absolutely pure in her character, her feeling, her language, her words, +her everything--she was only eighteen years old. + +Now put that heart into such a breast--eighteen years old--and give it +that masterly intellect which showed in the face, and furnish it with +that almost god-like spirit, and what are you going to have? +The conventional Joan of Arc? Not by any means. That is impossible. +I cannot comprehend any such thing as that. + +You must have a creature like that young and fair and beautiful girl we +just saw. And her spirit must look out of the eyes. The figure should +be--the figure should be in harmony with all that, but, oh, what we get +in the conventional picture, and it is always the conventional picture! + +I hope you will allow me to say that your guild, when you take the +conventional, you have got it at second-hand. Certainly, if you had +studied and studied, then you might have something else as a result, but +when you have the common convention you stick to that. + +You cannot prevail upon the artist to do it; he always gives you a Joan +of Arc--that lovely creature that started a great career at thirteen, but +whose greatness arrived when she was eighteen; and merely, because she +was a girl he can not see the divinity in her, and so he paints a +peasant, a coarse and lubberly figure--the figure of a cotton-bale, and +he clothes that in the coarsest raiment of the peasant region just like a +fish woman, her hair cropped short like a Russian peasant, and that face +of hers, which should be beautiful and which should radiate all the +glories which are in the spirit and in her heart that expression in that +face is always just the fixed expression of a ham. + +But now Mr. Beard has intimated a moment ago, and so has Sir Purdon- +Clarke also, that the artist, the, illustrator, does not often get the +idea of the man whose book he is illustrating. Here is a very remarkable +instance of the other thing in Mr. Beard, who illustrated a book of mine. +You may never have heard of it. I will tell you about it now--A Yankee +in King Arthur's Court. + +Now, Beard got everything that I put into that book and a little more +besides. Those pictures of Beard's in that book--oh, from the first page +to the last is one vast sardonic laugh at the trivialities, the +servilities of our poor human race, and also at the professions and the +insolence of priest-craft and king-craft--those creatures that make +slaves of themselves and have not the manliness to shake it off. Beard +put it all in that book. I meant it to be there. I put a lot of it +there and Beard put the rest. + +What publisher of mine in Hartford had an eye for the pennies, and he +saved them. He did not waste any on the illustrations. He had a very +good artist--Williams--who had never taken a lesson in drawing. +Everything he did was original. The publisher hired the cheapest wood- +engraver he could find, and in my early books you can see a trace of +that. You can see that if Williams had had a chance he would have made +some very good pictures. He had a good heart and good intentions. + +I had a character in the first book he illustrated--The Innocents Abroad. +That was a boy seventeen or eighteen years old--Jack Van Nostrand--a New +York boy, who, to my mind, was a very remarkable creature. He and I +tried to get Williams to understand that boy, and make a picture of Jack +that would be worthy of Jack. + +Jack was a most singular combination. He was born and reared in New York +here. He was as delicate in his feelings, as clean and pure and refined +in his feelings as any lovely girl that ever was, but whenever he +expressed a feeling he did it in Bowery slang, and it was a most curious +combination--that delicacy of his and that apparent coarseness. There +was no coarseness inside of Jack at all, and Jack, in the course of +seventeen or eighteen years, had acquired a capital of ignorance that was +marvellous--ignorance of various things, not of all things. For +instance, he did not know anything about the Bible. He had never been in +Sunday-school. Jack got more out of the Holy Land than anybody else, +because the others knew what they were expecting, but it was a land of +surprises to him. + +I said in the book that we found him watching a turtle on a log, stoning +that turtle, and he was stoning that turtle because he had read that "The +song of the turtle was heard in the land," and this turtle wouldn't sing. +It sounded absurd, but it was charged on Jack as a fact, and as he went +along through that country he had a proper foil in an old rebel colonel, +who was superintendent and head engineer in a large Sunday-school in +Wheeling, West Virginia. That man was full of enthusiasm wherever he +went, and would stand and deliver himself of speeches, and Jack would +listen to those speeches of the colonel and wonder. + +Jack had made a trip as a child almost across this continent in the first +overland stage-coach. That man's name who ran that line of stages--well, +I declare that name is gone. Well, names will go. + +Halliday--ah, that's the name--Ben Halliday, your uncle [turning to Mr. +Carnegie]. That was the fellow--Ben Halliday--and Jack was full of +admiration at the prodigious speed that that line of stages made--and it +was good speed--one hundred and twenty-five miles a day, going day and +night, and it was the event of Jack's life, and there at the Fords of the +Jordan the colonel was inspired to a speech (he was always making a +speech), so he called us up to him. He called up five sinners and three +saints. It has been only lately that Mr. Carnegie beatified me. And he +said: "Here are the Fords of the Jordan--a monumental place. At this +very point, when Moses brought the children of Israel through--he brought +the children of Israel from Egypt through the desert you see them--he +guarded them through that desert patiently, patiently during forty years, +and brought them to this spot safe and sound. There you see--there is +the scene of what Moses did." + +And Jack said: "Moses who?" + +"Oh," he says, "Jack, you ought not to ask that! Moses, the great law- +giver! Moses, the great patriot! Moses, the great warrior! Moses, the +great guide, who, as I tell you, brought these people through these three +hundred miles of sand in forty years, and landed there safe and sound." + +Jack said: "There's nothin' in that three hundred miles in forty years. +Ben Halliday would have snaked 'em through in thirty--six hours." + +Well, I was speaking of Jack's innocence, and it was beautiful. Jack was +not ignorant on all subjects. That boy was a deep student in the history +of Anglo-Saxon liberty, and he was a patriot all the way through to the +marrow. There was a subject that interested him all the time. Other +subjects were of no concern to Jack, but that quaint, inscrutable +innocence of his I could not get Williams to put into the picture. + +Yes, Williams wanted to do it. He said: "I will make him as innocent as +a virgin." He thought a moment, and then said, "I will make him as +innocent as an unborn virgin;" which covered the ground. + +I was reminded of Jack because I came across a letter to-day which is +over thirty years old that Jack wrote. Jack was doomed to consumption. +He was very long and slim, poor creature; and in a year or two after he +got back from that excursion, to the Holy Land he went on a ride on +horseback through Colorado, and he did not last but a year or two. + +He wrote this letter, not to me, but to a friend of mine; and he said: +"I have ridden horseback"--this was three years after--"I hate ridden +horseback four hundred miles through a desert country where you never see +anything but cattle now and then, and now and then a cattle station--ten +miles apart, twenty miles apart. Now you tell Clemens that in all that +stretch of four hundred miles I have seen only two books--the Bible and +'Innocents Abroad'. Tell Clemens the Bible was in a very good +condition." + +I say that he had studied, and he had, the real Saxon liberty, the +acquirement of our liberty, and Jack used to repeat some verses--I don't +know where they came from, but I thought of them to-day when I saw that +letter--that that boy could have been talking of himself in those quoted +lines from that unknown poet: + + "For he had sat at Sidney's feet + And walked with him in plain apart, + And through the centuries heard the beat + Of Freedom's march through Cromwell's heart." + +And he was that kind of a boy. He should have lived, and yet he should +not have lived, because he died at that early age--he couldn't have been +more than twenty--he had seen all there was to see in the world that was +worth the trouble of living in it; he had seen all of this world that is +valuable; he had seen all of this world that was illusion, and illusion, +is the only valuable thing in it. He had arrived at that point where +presently the illusions would cease and he would have entered upon the +realities of life, and God help the man that has arrived at that point. + + + + + + +ACCIDENT INSURANCE--ETC. + + DELIVERED IN HARTFORD, AT A DINNER TO CORNELIUS WALFORD, + OF LONDON + +GENTLEMAN,--I am glad, indeed, to assist in welcoming the distinguished +guest of this occasion to a city whose fame as an insurance centre has +extended to all lands, and given us the name of being a quadruple band of +brothers working sweetly hand in hand--the Colt's arms company making the +destruction of our race easy and convenient, our life-insurance citizens +paying for the victims when they pass away, Mr. Batterson perpetuating +their memory with his stately monuments, and our fire-insurance comrades +taking care of their hereafter. I am glad to assist in welcoming our +guest--first, because he is an Englishman, and I owe a heavy debt of +hospitality to certain of his fellow-countrymen; and secondly, because he +is in sympathy with insurance, and has been the means of making many +other men cast their sympathies in the same direction. + +Certainly there is no nobler field for human effort than the insurance +line of business--especially accident insurance. Ever since I have been +a director in an accident-insurance company I have felt that I am a +better man. Life has seemed more precious. Accidents have assumed a +kindlier aspect. Distressing special providences have lost half their +horror. I look upon a cripple now with affectionate interest--as an +advertisement. I do not seem, to care for poetry any more. I do not +care for politics--even agriculture does not excite me. But to me now +there is a charm about a railway collision that is unspeakable. + +There is nothing more beneficent than accident insurance. I have seen an +entire family lifted out of poverty and into affluence by the simple boon +of a broken leg. I have had people come to me on crutches, with tears in +their eyes, to bless this beneficent institution. In all my experience +of life, I have seen nothing so seraphic as the look that comes into a +freshly mutilated man's face when he feels in his vest pocket with his +remaining hand and finds his accident ticket all right. And I have seen +nothing so sad as the look that came into another splintered customer's +face when he found he couldn't collect on a wooden leg. + +I will remark here, by way of advertisement, that that noble charity +which we have named the HARTFORD ACCIDENT INSURANCE COMPANY is an +institution, which is peculiarly to be depended upon. A man is bound to +prosper who gives it his custom. No man pan take out a policy in it and +not get crippled before the year is out. Now there was one indigent man +who had been disappointed so often with other companies that he had grown +disheartened, his appetite left him, he ceased to smile--said life was +but a weariness. Three weeks ago I got him to insure with us, and now he +is the brightest, happiest spirit in this land--has a good steady income +and a stylish suit of new bandages every day, and travels around on a +shutter. + +I will say in conclusion, that my share of the welcome to our guest is +none the less hearty because I talk so much nonsense, and I know that I +curl say the same far the rest of the speakers. + + + + + + +OSTEOPATHY + + On February 27, 1901, Mr. Clemens appeared before the Assembly + Committee in Albany, New York, in favor of the Seymour bill + legalizing the practice of osteopathy. + +MR. CHAIRMAN AND GENTLEMEN,--Dr. Van Fleet is the gentleman who gave me +the character. I have heard my character discussed a thousand times +before you were born, sir, and shown the iniquities in it, and you did +not get more than half of them. + +I was touched and distressed when they brought that part of a child in +here, and proved that you cannot take a child to pieces in that way. +What remarkable names those diseases have! It makes me envious of the +man that has them all. I have had many diseases, and am thankful for all +I have had. + +One of the gentlemen spoke of the knowledge of something else found in +Sweden, a treatment which I took. It is, I suppose, a kindred thing. +There is apparently no great difference between them. I was a year and a +half in London and Sweden, in the hands of that grand old man, Mr. +Kildren. + +I cannot call him a doctor, for he has not the authority to give a +certificate if a patient should die, but fortunately they don't. + +The State stands as a mighty Gibraltar clothed with power. It stands +between me and my body, and tells me what kind of a doctor I must employ. +When my soul is sick unlimited spiritual liberty is given me by the +State. Now then, it doesn't seem logical that the State shall depart +from this great policy, the health of the soul, and change about and take +the other position in the matter of smaller consequence--the health of +the body. + +The Bell bill limitations would drive the osteopaths out of the State. +Oh, dear me! when you drive somebody out of the State you create the same +condition as prevailed in the Garden of Eden. + +You want the thing that you can't have. I didn't care much about the +osteopaths, but as soon as I found they were going to drive them out I +got in a state of uneasiness, and I can't sleep nights now. + +I know how Adam felt in the Garden of Eden about the prohibited apple. +Adam didn't want the apple till he found out he couldn't have it, +just as he would have wanted osteopathy if he couldn't have it. + +Whose property is my body? Probably mine. I so regard it. If I +experiment with it, who must be answerable? I, not the State. If I +choose injudiciously, does the State die? Oh no. + +I was the subject of my mother's experiment. She was wise. She made +experiments cautiously. She didn't pick out just any child in the flock. +No, she chose judiciously. She chose one she could spare, and she +couldn't spare the others. I was the choice child of the flock; so I had +to take all of the experiments. + +In 1844 Kneipp filled the world with the wonder of the water cure. +Mother wanted to try it, but on sober second thought she put me through. +A bucket of ice-water was poured over to see the effect. Then I was +rubbed down with flannels, sheet was dipped in the water, and I was put +to bed. I perspired so much that mother put a life-preserver to bed with +me. + +But this had nothing but a spiritual effect on me, and I didn't care for +that. When they took off the sheet it was yellow from the output of my +conscience, the exudation of sin. It purified me spiritually, and it +remains until this day. + +I have experimented with osteopathy and allopathy. I took a chance at +the latter for old times' sake, for, three tines, when a boy, mother's +new methods got me so near death's door she had to call in the family +physician to pull me out. + +The physicians think they are moved by regard for the best interests of +the public. Isn't there a little touch of self-interest back of it all? +It seems to me there is, and I don't claim to have all the virtues--only +nine or ten of them. + +I was born in the "Banner State," and by "Banner State" I mean Missouri. +Osteopathy was born in the same State, and both of us are getting along +reasonably well. At a time during my younger days my attention was +attracted to a picture of a house which bore the inscription, "Christ +Disputing with the Doctors." + +I could attach no other meaning to it than that Christ was actually +quarreling with the doctors. So I asked an old slave, who was a sort of +a herb doctor in a small way--unlicensed, of course--what the meaning of +the picture was. "What had has done?" I asked. And the colored man +replied "Humph, he ain't got no license." + + + + + + +WATER-SUPPLY + + Mr. Clemens visited Albany on February 21 and 28, 1901. The + privileges of the floor were granted and he was asked to make a + short address to the Senate. + +MR. PRESIDENT AND GENTLEMEN,--I do not know how to thank you sufficiently +for this high honor which you are conferring upon me. I have for the +second time now enjoyed this kind of prodigal hospitality--in the other +House yesterday, to-day in this one. I am a modest man, and diffident +about appearing before legislative bodies, and yet utterly an entirely +appreciative of a courtesy like this when it is extended to me, and I +thank you very much for it. + +If I had the privilege, which unfortunately I have not got, of suggesting +things to the legislators in my individual capacity, I would so enjoy the +opportunity that I would not charge anything for it at all. I would do +that without a salary. I would give them the benefit of my wisdom and +experience in legislative bodies, and if I could have had the privilege +for a few minutes of giving advice to the other House I should have liked +to, but of course I could not undertake it, as they did not ask me to do +it--but if they had only asked me! + +Now that the House is considering a measure which is to furnish a water- +supply to the city of New York, why, permit me to say I live in New York +myself. I know all about its ways, its desires, and its residents, and-- +if I had the privilege--I should have urged them not to weary themselves +over a measure like that to furnish water to the city of New York, for we +never drink it. + +But I will not venture to advise this body, as I only venture to advise +bodies who are, not present. + + + + + + +MISTAKEN IDENTITY + +ADDRESS AT THE ANNUAL "LADIES' DAY," PAPYRUS CLUB, BOSTON + +LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,--I am perfectly astonished--a-s-t-o-n-i-s-h-e-d-- +ladies and gentlemen--astonished at the way history repeats itself. +I find myself situated at this moment exactly and precisely as I was once +before, years ago, to a jot, to a tittle--to a very hair. There isn't a +shade of difference. It is the most astonishing coincidence that ever-- +but wait. I will tell you the former instance, and then you will see it +for yourself. Years ago I arrived one day at Salamanca, New York, +eastward bound; must change cars there and take the sleeper train. There +were crowds of people there, and they were swarming into the long sleeper +train and packing it full, and it was a perfect purgatory of dust and +confusion and gritting of teeth and soft, sweet, and low profanity. +I asked the young man in the ticket-office if I could have a sleeping- +section, and he answered "No," with a snarl that shrivelled me up like +burned leather. I went off, smarting under this insult to my dignity, +and asked another local official, supplicatingly, if I couldn't have some +poor little corner somewhere in a sleeping-car; but he cut me short with +a venomous "No, you can't; every corner is full. Now, don't bother me +any more"; and he turned his back and walked off. My dignity was in a +state now which cannot be described. I was so ruffled that--well, I said +to my companion, "If these people knew who I am they--"But my companion +cut me short there--"Don't talk such folly," he said; "if they did know +who you are, do you suppose it would help your high-mightiness to a +vacancy in a train which has no vacancies in it?" + +This did not improve my condition any to speak of, but just then I +observed that the colored porter of a sleeping-car had his eye on me. +I saw his dark countenance light up. He whispered to the uniformed +conductor, punctuating with nods and jerks toward me, and straightway +this conductor came forward, oozing politeness from every pore. + +"Can I be of any service to you ?" he asked. "Will you have a place in +the sleeper?" + +"Yes," I said, "and much oblige me, too. Give me anything--anything will +answer." + +"We have nothing left but the big family state-room," he continued, "with +two berths and a couple of arm-chairs in it, but it is entirely at your +disposal. Here, Tom, take these satchels aboard!" + +Then he touched his hat and we and the colored Tom moved along. I was +bursting to drop just one little remark to my companion, but I held in +and waited. Tom made us comfortable in that sumptuous great apartment, +and then said, with many bows and a perfect affluence of smiles: + +"Now, is dey anything you want, sah? Case you kin have jes' anything you +wants. It don't make no difference what it is." + +"Can I have some hot water and a tumbler at nine to-night-blazing hot?" +I asked. "You know about the right temperature for a hot Scotch punch?" + +"Yes, sah, dat you kin; you kin pen on it; I'll get it myself." + +"Good! Now, that lamp is hung too high. Can I have a big coach candle +fixed up just at the head of my bed, so that I can read comfortably?" + +"Yes, sah, you kin; I'll fix her up myself, an' I'll fix her so she'll +burn all night. Yes, sah; an' you can jes' call for anything you want, +and dish yer whole railroad'll be turned wrong end up an' inside out for +to get it for you. Dat's so." And he disappeared. + +Well, I tilted my head back, hooked my thumbs in my armholes, smiled a +smile on my companion, and said, gently: + +"Well, what do you say now?" + +My companion was not in the humor to respond, and didn't. The next +moment that smiling black face was thrust in at the crack of the door, +and this speech followed: + +"Laws bless you, sah, I knowed you in a minute. I told de conductah so. +Laws! I knowed you de minute I sot eyes on you." + +"Is that so, my boy?" (Handing him a quadruple fee.) "Who am I?" + +"Jenuel McClellan," and he disappeared again. + +My companion said, vinegarishly, "Well, well! what do you say now?" +Right there comes in the marvellous coincidence I mentioned a while ago +--viz., I was speechless, and that is my condition now. Perceive it? + + + + + + +CATS AND CANDY + + The following address was delivered at a social meeting of + literary men in New York in 1874: + +When I was fourteen I was living with my parents, who were very poor--and +correspondently honest. We had a youth living with us by the name of Jim +Wolfe. He was an excellent fellow, seventeen years old, and very +diffident. He and I slept together--virtuously; and one bitter winter's +night a cousin Mary--she's married now and gone--gave what they call a +candy-pulling in those days in the West, and they took the saucers of hot +candy outside of the house into the snow, under a sort of old bower that +came from the eaves--it was a sort of an ell then, all covered with +vines--to cool this hot candy in the snow, and they were all sitting +there. In the mean time we were gone to bed. We were not invited to +attend this party; we were too young. + +The young ladies and gentlemen were assembled there, and Jim and I were +in bed. There was about four inches of snow on the roof of this ell, and +our windows looked out on it; and it was frozen hard. A couple of tom- +cats--it is possible one might have been of the opposite sex--were +assembled on the chimney in the middle of this ell, and they were +growling at a fearful rate, and switching their tails about and going on, +and we couldn't sleep at all. + +Finally Jim said, "For two cents I'd go out and snake them cats off that +chimney." So I said, "Of course you would." He said, "Well, I would; +I have a mighty good notion to do it." Says I, "Of course you have; +certainly you have, you have a great notion to do it." I hoped he might +try it, but I was afraid he wouldn't. + +Finally I did get his ambition up, and he raised the window and climbed +out on the icy roof, with nothing on but his socks and a very short +shirt. He went climbing along on all fours on the roof toward the +chimney where the cats were. In the mean time these young ladies and +gentlemen were enjoying themselves down under the eaves, and when Jim got +almost to that chimney he made a pass at the cats, and his heels flew up +and he shot down and crashed through those vines, and lit in the midst of +the ladies and gentlemen, and sat down in those hot saucers of candy. + +There was a stampede, of course, and he came up-stairs dropping pieces of +chinaware and candy all the way up, and when he got up there--now anybody +in the world would have gone into profanity or something calculated to +relieve the mind, but he didn't; he scraped the candy off his legs, +nursed his blisters a little, and said, "I could have ketched them cats +if I had had on a good ready." + +[Does any reader know what a "ready" was in 1840? D.W.] + + + + + + +OBITUARY POETRY + + ADDRESS AT THE ACTORS' FUND FAIR, PHILADELPHIA, in 1895 + +LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,--The--er this--er--welcome occasion gives me an-- +er--opportunity to make an--er--explanation that I have long desired to +deliver myself of. I rise to the highest honors before a Philadelphia +audience. In the course of my checkered career I have, on divers +occasions, been charged--er--maliciously with a more or less serious +offence. It is in reply to one of the more--er--important of these that +I wish to speak. More than once I have been accused of writing obituary +poetry in the Philadelphia Ledger. + +I wish right here to deny that dreadful assertion. I will admit that +once, when a compositor in the Ledger establishment, I did set up some of +that poetry, but for a worse offence than that no indictment can be found +against me. I did not write that poetry--at least, not all of it. + + + + + + +CIGARS AND TOBACCO + +My friends for some years now have remarked that I am an inveterate +consumer of tobacco. That is true, but my habits with regard to tobacco +have changed. I have no doubt that you will say, when I have explained +to you what my present purpose is, that my taste has deteriorated, but I +do not so regard it. + +Whenever I held a smoking-party at my house, I found that my guests had +always just taken the pledge. + +Let me tell you briefly the history of my personal relation to tobacco. +It began, I think, when I was a lad, and took the form of a quid, which I +became expert in tucking under my tongue. Afterward I learned the +delights of the pipe, and I suppose there was no other youngster of my +age who could more deftly cut plug tobacco so as to make it available for +pipe-smoking. + +Well, time ran on, and there came a time when I was able to gratify one +of my youthful ambitions--I could buy the choicest Havana cigars without +seriously interfering with my income. I smoked a good many, changing off +from the Havana cigars to the pipe in the course of a day's smoking. + +At last it occurred to n1e that something was lacking in the Havana +cigar. It did not quite fulfil my youthful anticipations. +I experimented. I bought what was called a seed-leaf cigar with a +Connecticut wrapper. After a while I became satiated of these, and I +searched for something else, The Pittsburg stogy was recommended to me. +It certainly had the merit of cheapness, if that be a merit in tobacco, +and I experimented with the stogy. + +Then, once more, I changed off, so that I might acquire the subtler +flavor of the Wheeling toby. Now that palled, and I looked around New +York in the hope of finding cigars which would seem to most people vile, +but which, I am sure, would be ambrosial to me. I couldn't find any. +They put into my hands some of those little things that cost ten cents a +box, but they are a delusion. + +I said to a friend, "I want to know if you can direct me to an honest +tobacco merchant who will tell me what is the worst cigar in the New York +market, excepting those made for Chinese consumption--I want real +tobacco. If you will do this and I find the man is as good as his word, +I will guarantee him a regular market for a fair amount of his cigars." + +We found a tobacco dealer who would tell the truth--who, if a cigar was +bad, would boldly say so. He produced what he called the very worst +cigars he had ever had in his shop. He let me experiment with one then +and there. The test was satisfactory. + +This was, after all, the real thing. I negotiated for a box of them and +took them away with me, so that I might be sure of having them handy when +I want them. + +I discovered that the "worst cigars," so called, are the best for me, +after all. + + + + + + +BILLIARDS + + Mr. Clemens attended a billiard tourney on the evening of April + 24, 1906, and was called on to tell a story. + +The game of billiards has destroyed my naturally sweet disposition. +Once, when I was an underpaid reporter in Virginia City, whenever I +wished to play billiards I went out to look for an easy mark. One day a +stranger came to town and opened a billiard parlor. I looked him over +casually. When he proposed a game, I answered, "All right." + +"Just knock the balls around a little so that I can get your gait," he +said; and when I had done so, he remarked: "I will be perfectly fair with +you. I'll play you left-handed." I felt hurt, for he was cross-eyed, +freckled, and had red hair, and I determined to teach him a lesson. He +won first shot, ran out, took my half-dollar, and all I got was the +opportunity to chalk my cue. + +"If you can play like that with your left hand," I said, "I'd like to see +you play with your right." + +"I can't," he said. "I'm left-handed." + + + + + + +THE UNION RIGHT OR WRONG + + REMINISCENCES OF NEVADA + +I can assure you, ladies and gentlemen, that Nevada had lively newspapers +in those days. + +My great competitor among the reporters was Boggs, of the Union, an +excellent reporter. + +Once in three or four months he would get a little intoxicated; but, as a +general thing, he was a wary and cautious drinker, although always ready +to damp himself a little with the enemy. + +He had the advantage of me in one thing: he could get the monthly public- +school report and I could not, because the principal hated my sheet--the +'Enterprise'. + +One snowy night, when the report was due, I started out, sadly wondering +how I was to get it. + +Presently, a few steps up the almost deserted street, I stumbled on +Boggs, and asked him where he was going. + +"After the school report." + +"I'll go along with you." + +"No, Sir. I'll excuse you." + +"Have it your own way." + +A saloon-keeper's boy passed by with a steaming pitcher of hot punch, and +Boggs snuffed the fragrance gratefully. + +He gazed fondly after the boy, and saw him start up the Enterprise +stairs. + +I said: + +"I wish you could help me get that school business, but since you can't, +I must run up to the Union office and see if I can get a proof of it +after it's set up, though I don't begin to suppose I can. Good night." + +"Hold on a minute. I don't mind getting the report and sitting around +with the boys a little while you copy it, if you're willing to drop down +to the principal's with me." + +"Now you talk like a human being. Come along." + +We ploughed a couple of blocks through the snow, got the report--a short +document--and soon copied it in our office. + +Meantime, Boggs helped himself to the punch. + +I gave the manuscript back to him, and we started back to get an inquest. + +At four o'clock in the morning, when we had gone to press and were having +a relaxing concert as usual (for some of the printers were good singers +and others good performers on the guitar and on that atrocity the +accordion), the proprietor of the Union strode in and asked if anybody +had heard anything of Boggs or the school report. + +We stated the case, and all turned out to help hunt for the delinquent. + +We found him standing on a table in a saloon, with an old tin lantern in +one hand and the school report in the other, haranguing a gang of +"corned" miners on, the iniquity of squandering the public money on +education "when hundreds and hundreds of honest, hard-working men were +literally starving for whiskey." + +He had been assisting in a regal spree with those parties for hours. + +We dragged him away, and put him into bed. + +Of course there was no school report in the Union, and Boggs held me +accountable, though I was innocent of any intention or desire to compass +its absence from that paper, and was as sorry as any one that the +misfortune had occurred. But we were perfectly friendly. + +The day the next school report was due the proprietor of the Tennessee +Mine furnished us a buggy, and asked us to go down and write something +about the property--a very common request, and one always gladly acceded +to when people furnished buggies, for we were as fond of pleasure +excursions as other people. + +The "mine" was a hole in the ground ninety feet deep, and no way of +getting down into it but by holding on to a rope and being lowered with a +windlass. + +The workmen had just gone off somewhere to dinner. + +I was not strong enough to lower Boggs's bulk, so I took an unlighted +candle in my teeth, made a loop for my foot in the end of the rope, +implored Boggs not to go to sleep or let the windlass get the start of +him, and then swung out over the shaft. + +I reached the bottom muddy and bruised about the elbows, but safe. + +I lit the candle, made an examination of the rock, selected some +specimens, and shouted to Boggs to hoist away. + +No answer. + +Presently a head appeared in the circle of daylight away aloft, and a +voice came down: + +"Are you all set?" + +"All set-hoist away!" + +"Are you comfortable?" + +"Perfectly." + +"Could you wait a little?" + +"Oh, certainly-no particular hurry." + +"Well-good-bye." + +"Why, where are you going?" + +"After the school report!" + +And he did. + +I stayed down there an hour, and surprised the workmen when they hauled +up and found a man on the rope instead of a bucket of rock. + +I walked home, too--five miles-up-hill. + +We had no school report next morning--but the Union had. + + + + + + +AN IDEAL FRENCH ADDRESS + + EXTRACT FROM "PARIS NOTES," IN "TOM SAWYER ABROAD," ETC. + +I am told that a French sermon is like a French speech--it never names an +historical event, but only the date of it; if you are not up in dates, +you get left. A French speech is something like this: + +"Comrades, citizens, brothers, noble parts of the only sublime and +perfect nation, let us not forget that the 21st January cast off our +chains; that the 10th August relieved us of the shameful presence of +foreign spies; that the 5th September was its own justification before +Heaven and humanity; that the 18th Brumaire contained the seeds of its +own punishment; that the 14th July was the mighty voice of liberty +proclaiming the resurrection, the new day, and inviting the oppressed +peoples of the earth to look upon the divine face of France and live; +and let us here record our everlasting curse against the man of the +2d December, and declare in thunder tones, the native tones of France, +that but for him there had been no 17th Mardi in history, no 12th +October, nor 9th January, no 22d April, no 16th November, no 30th +September, no 2d July, no 14th February, no 29th June, no 15th August, no +31st May--that but for him, France, the pure, the grand, the peerless, +had had a serene and vacant almanac to-day." + +I have heard of one French sermon which closed in this odd yet eloquent +way: + +"My hearers, we have sad cause to remember the man of the 13th January. +The results of the vast crime of the 13th January have been in just +proportion to the magnitude of the act itself. But for it there had been +no 30th November--sorrowful spectacle! The grisly deed of the 16th June +had not been done but for it, nor had the man of the 16th June known +existence; to it alone the 3d September was due, also the fatal 12th +October. Shall we, then, be grateful for the 13th January, with its +freight of death for you and me and all that breathe? Yes, my friends, +for it gave us also that which had never come but for it, and it alone-- +the blessed 25th December." + +It may be well enough to explain. The man of the 13th January is Adam; +the crime of that date was the eating of the apple; the sorrowful +spectacle of the 30th November was the expulsion from Eden; the grisly +deed of the 16th June was the murder of Abel; the act of the 3d September +was the beginning of the journey to the land of Nod; the 12th day of +October, the last mountaintops disappeared under the flood. When you go +to church in France, you want to take your almanac with you--annotated. + + + + + + +STATISTICS + + EXTRACT FROM "THE HISTORY OF THE SAVAGE CLUB" + + During that period of gloom when domestic bereavement had + forced Mr. Clemens and his dear ones to secure the privacy they + craved until their wounds should heal, his address was known to + only a very few of his closest friends. One old friend in New + York, after vain efforts to get his address, wrote him a letter + addressed as follows + + MARK TWAIN, + God Knows Where, + Try London. + + The letter found him, and Mr. Clemens replied to the letter + expressing himself surprised and complimented that the person + who was credited with knowing his whereabouts should take so + much interest in him, adding: "Had the letter been addressed to + the care of the 'other party,' I would naturally have expected + to receive it without delay." + + His correspondent tried again, and addressed the second letter: + + MARK TWAIN, + The Devil Knows Where, + Try London. + + This found him also no less promptly. + + On June 9, 1899, he consented to visit the Savage Club, London, + on condition that there was to be no publicity and no speech + was to be expected from him. The toastmaster, in proposing the + health of their guest, said that as a Scotchman, and therefore + as a born expert, he thought Mark Twain had little or no claim + to the title of humorist. Mr. Clemens had tried to be funny + but had failed, and his true role in life was statistics; that + he was a master of statistics, and loved them for their own + sake, and it would be the easiest task he ever undertook if he + would try to count all the real jokes he had ever made. While + the toastmaster was speaking, the members saw Mr. Clemens's + eyes begin to sparkle and his cheeks to flush. He jumped up, + and made a characteristic speech. + +Perhaps I am not a humorist, but I am a first-class fool--a simpleton; +for up to this moment I have believed Chairman MacAlister to be a decent +person whom I could allow to mix up with my friends and relatives. The +exhibition he has just made of himself reveals him to be a scoundrel and +a knave of the deepest dye. I have been cruelly deceived, and it serves +me right for trusting a Scotchman. Yes, I do understand figures, and I +can count. I have counted the words in MacAlister's drivel (I certainly +cannot call it a speech), and there were exactly three thousand four +hundred and thirty-nine. I also carefully counted the lies--there were +exactly three thousand four hundred and thirty-nine. Therefore, I leave +MacAlister to his fate. + +I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, +because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is +dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I am not feeling very well +myself. + + + + + + +GALVESTON ORPHAN BAZAAR + + ADDRESS AT A FAIR HELD AT THE WALDORF-ASTORIA, NEW YORK, IN + OCTOBER, 1900, IN AID OF THE ORPHANS AT GALVESTON + +I expected that the Governor of Texas would occupy this place first and +would speak to you, and in the course of his remarks would drop a text +for me to talk from; but with the proverbial obstinacy that is proverbial +with governors, they go back on their duties, and he has not come here, +and has not furnished me with a text, and I am here without a text. I +have no text except what you furnish me with your handsome faces, and-- +but I won't continue that, for I could go on forever about attractive +faces, beautiful dresses, and other things. But, after all, compliments +should be in order in a place like this. + +I have been in New York two or three days, and have been in a condition +of strict diligence night and day, the object of this diligence being to +regulate the moral and political situation on this planet--put it on a +sound basis--and when you are regulating the conditions of a planet it +requires a great deal of talk in a great many kinds of ways, and when you +have talked a lot the emptier you get, and get also in a position of +corking. When I am situated like that, with nothing to say, I feel as +though I were a sort of fraud; I seem to be playing a part, and please +consider I am playing a part for want of something better, and this, is +not unfamiliar to me; I have often done this before. + +When I was here about eight years ago I was coming up in a car of the +elevated road. Very few people were in that car, and on one end of it +there was no one, except on the opposite seat, where sat a man about +fifty years old, with a most winning face and an elegant eye--a beautiful +eye; and I took him from his dress to be a master mechanic, a man who had +a vocation. He had with him a very fine little child of about four or +five years. I was watching the affection which existed between those +two. I judged he was the grandfather, perhaps. It was really a pretty +child, and I was admiring her, and as soon as he saw I was admiring her +he began to notice me. + +I could see his admiration of me in his eye, and I did what everybody +else would do--admired the child four times as much, knowing I would get +four times as much of his admiration. Things went on very pleasantly. +I was making my way into his heart. + +By-and-by, when he almost reached the station where he was to get off, +he got up, crossed over, and he said: "Now I am going to say something to +you which I hope you will regard as a compliment." And then he went on +to say: "I have never seen Mark Twain, but I have seen a portrait of him, +and any friend of mine will tell you that when I have once seen a +portrait of a man I place it in my eye and store it away in my memory, +and I can tell you now that you look enough like Mark Twain to be his +brother. Now," he said, "I hope you take this as a compliment. Yes, you +are a very good imitation; but when I come to look closer, you are +probably not that man." + +I said: "I will be frank with you. In my desire to look like that +excellent character I have dressed for the character; I have been playing +a part." + +He said: "That is all right, that is all right; you look very well on the +outside, but when it comes to the inside you are not in it with the +original" + +So when I come to a place like this with nothing valuable to say I always +play a part. But I will say before I sit down that when it comes to +saying anything here I will express myself in this way: I am heartily in +sympathy with you in your efforts to help those who were sufferers in +this calamity, and in your desire to heap those who were rendered +homeless, and in saying this I wish to impress on you the fact that I am +not playing a part. + + + + + + +SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE + + After the address at the Robert Fulton Fund meeting, June 19, + 1906, Mr. Clemens talked to the assembled reporters about the + San Francisco earthquake. + +I haven't been there since 1868, and that great city of San Francisco has +grown up since my day. When I was there she had one hundred and eighteen +thousand people, and of this number eighteen thousand were Chinese. +I was a reporter on the Virginia City Enterprise in Nevada in 1862, and +stayed there, I think, about two years, when I went to San Francisco and +got a job as a reporter on The Call. I was there three or four +years. + +I remember one day I was walking down Third Street in San Francisco. It +was a sleepy, dull Sunday afternoon, and no one was stirring. Suddenly +as I looked up the street about three hundred yards the whole side of a +house fell out. The street was full of bricks and mortar. At the same +time I was knocked against the side of a house, and stood there stunned +for a moment. + +I thought it was an earthquake. Nobody else had heard anything about it +and no one said earthquake to me afterward, but I saw it and I wrote it. +Nobody else wrote it, and the house I saw go into the street was the only +house in the city that felt it. I've always wondered if it wasn't a +little performance gotten up for my especial entertainment by the nether +regions. + + + + + + +CHARITY AND ACTORS + + ADDRESS AT THE ACTORS' FUND FAIR IN THE METROPOLITAN + OPERA HOUSE, NEW YORK, MAY 6, 1907 + + Mr. Clemens, in his white suit, formally declared the fair + open. Mr. Daniel Frohman, in introducing Mr. Clemens, said: + + "We intend to make this a banner week in the history of the + Fund, which takes an interest in every one on the stage, be he + actor, singer, dancer, or workman. We have spent more than + $40,000 during the past year. Charity covers a multitude of + sins, but it also reveals a multitude of virtues. At the + opening of the former fair we had the assistance of Edwin Booth + and Joseph Jefferson. In their place we have to-day that + American institution and apostle of wide humanity--Mark Twain." + +As Mr. Frohman has said, charity reveals a multitude of virtues. This is +true, and it is to be proved here before the week is over. Mr. Frohman +has told you something of the object and something of the character of +the work. He told me he would do this--and he has kept his word! I had +expected to hear of it through the newspapers. I wouldn't trust anything +between Frohman and the newspapers--except when it's a case of charity! + +You should all remember that the actor has been your benefactor many and +many a year. When you have been weary and downcast he has lifted your +heart out of gloom and given you a fresh impulse. You are all under +obligation to him. This is your opportunity to be his benefactor--to +help provide for him in his old age and when he suffers from infirmities. + +At this fair no one is to be persecuted to buy. If you offer a twenty- +dollar bill in payment for a purchase of $1 you will receive $19 in +change. There is to be no robbery here. There is to be no creed here-- +no religion except charity. We want to raise $250,000--and that is a +great task to attempt. + +The President has set the fair in motion by pressing the button in +Washington. Now your good wishes are to be transmuted into cash. + +By virtue of the authority in me vested I declare the fair open. I call +the ball game. Let the transmuting begin! + + + + + + +RUSSIAN REPUBLIC + +The American auxiliary movement to aid the cause of freedom in Russia was +launched on the evening of April 11, 1906, at the Club A house, 3 Fifth +Avenue, with Mr. Clemens and Maxim Gorky as the principal spokesmen. +Mr. Clemens made an introductory address, presenting Mr. Gorky. + +If we can build a Russian republic to give to the persecuted people of +the Tsar's domain the same measure of freedom that we enjoy, let us go +ahead and do it. We need not discuss the methods by which that purpose +is to be attained. Let us hope that fighting will be postponed or +averted. for a while, but if it must come-- + +I am most emphatically in sympathy with the movement, now on foot in +Russia, to make that country free. I am certain that it will be +successful, as it deserves to be. Any such movement should have and +deserves our earnest and unanimous co-operation, and such a petition for +funds as has been explained by Mr. Hunter, with its just and powerful +meaning, should have the utmost support of each and every one of us. +Anybody whose ancestors were in this country when we were trying to free +ourselves from oppression, must sympathize with those who now are trying +to do the same thing in Russia. + +The parallel I have just drawn only goes to show that it makes no +difference whether the oppression is bitter or not; men with red, warm +blood in their veins will not endure it, but will seek to cast it off. +If we keep our hearts in this matter Russia will be free. + + + + + + +RUSSIAN SUFFERERS + + On December 18, 1905, an entertainment was given at the Casino + for the benefit of the Russian sufferers. After the + performance Mr. Clemens spoke. + +LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,--It seems a sort of cruelty to inflict upon an +audience like this our rude English tongue, after we have heard that +divine speech flowing in that lucid Gallic tongue. + +It has always been a marvel to me--that French language; it has always +been a puzzle to me. How beautiful that language is. How expressive it +seems to be. How full of grace it is. + +And when it comes from lips like those, how eloquent and how liquid it +is. And, oh, I am always deceived--I always think I am going to +understand it. + +Oh, it is such a delight to me, such a delight to me, to meet Madame +Bernhardt, and laugh hand to hand and heart to heart with her. + +I have seen her play, as we all have, and oh, that is divine; but I have +always wanted to know Madame Bernhardt herself--her fiery self. I have +wanted to know that beautiful character. + +Why, she is the youngest person I ever saw, except myself--for I always +feel young when I come in the presence of young people. + +I have a pleasant recollection of an incident so many years ago--when +Madame Bernhardt came to Hartford, where I lived, and she was going to +play and the tickets were three dollars, and there were two lovely women +--a widow and her daughter--neighbors of ours, highly cultivated ladies +they were; their tastes were fine and elevated, but they were very poor, +and they said "Well, we must not spend six dollars on a pleasure of the +mind, a pleasure of the intellect; we must spend it, if it must go at +all, to furnish to somebody bread to eat." + +And so they sorrowed over the fact that they had to give up that great +pleasure of seeing Madame Bernhardt, but there were two neighbors equally +highly cultivated and who could not afford bread, and those good-hearted +Joneses sent that six dollars--deprived themselves of it--and sent it to +those poor Smiths to buy bread with. And those Smiths took it and bought +tickets with it to see Madame Bernhardt. + +Oh yes, some people have tastes and intelligence also. + +Now, I was going to make a speech--I supposed I was, but I am not. It is +late, late; and so I am going to tell a story; and there is this +advantage about a story, anyway, that whatever moral or valuable thing +you put into a speech, why, it gets diffused among those involuted +sentences and possibly your audience goes away without finding out what +that valuable thing was that you were trying to confer upon it; but, dear +me, you put the same jewel into a story and it becomes the keystone of +that story, and you are bound to get it--it flashes, it flames, it is the +jewel in the toad's head--you don't overlook that. + +Now, if I am going to talk on such a subject as, for instance, the lost +opportunity--oh, the lost opportunity. Anybody in this house who has +reached the turn of life--sixty, or seventy, or even fifty, or along +there--when he goes back along his history, there he finds it mile-stoned +all the way with the lost opportunity, and you know how pathetic that is. + +You younger ones cannot know the full pathos that lies in those words-- +the lost opportunity; but anybody who is old, who has really lived and +felt this life, he knows the pathos of the lost opportunity. + +Now, I will tell you a story whose moral is that, whose lesson is that, +whose lament is that. + +I was in a village which is a suburb of New Bedford several years ago-- +well, New Bedford is a suburb of Fair Haven, or perhaps it is the other +way; in any case, it took both of those towns to make a great centre of +the great whaling industry of the first half of the nineteenth century, +and I was up there at Fair Haven some years ago with a friend of mine. + +There was a dedication of a great town-hall, a public building, and we +were there in the afternoon. This great building was filled, like this +great theatre, with rejoicing villagers, and my friend and I started down +the centre aisle. He saw a man standing in that aisle, and he said "Now, +look at that bronzed veteran--at that mahogany-faced man. Now, tell me, +do you see anything about that man's face that is emotional? Do you see +anything about it that suggests that inside that man anywhere there are +fires that can be started? Would you ever imagine that that is a human +volcano?" + +"Why, no," I said, "I would not. He looks like a wooden Indian in front +of a cigar store." + +"Very well," said my friend, "I will show you that there is emotion even +in that unpromising place. I will just go to that man and I will just +mention in the most casual way an incident in his life. That man is +getting along toward ninety years old. He is past eighty. I will +mention an incident of fifty or sixty years ago. Now, just watch the +effect, and it will be so casual that if you don't watch you won't know +when I do say that thing--but you just watch the effect." + +He went on down there and accosted this antiquity, and made a remark or +two. I could not catch up. They were so casual I could not recognize +which one it was that touched that bottom, for in an instant that old man +was literally in eruption and was filling the whole place with profanity +of the most exquisite kind. You never heard such accomplished profanity. +I never heard it also delivered with such eloquence. + +I never enjoyed profanity as I enjoyed it then--more than if I had been +uttering it myself. There is nothing like listening to an artist--all +his passions passing away in lava, smoke, thunder, lightning, and +earthquake. + +Then this friend said to me: "Now, I will tell you about that. About +sixty years ago that man was a young fellow of twenty-three, and had just +come home from a three years' whaling voyage. He came into that village +of his, happy and proud because now, instead of being chief mate, he was +going to be master of a whaleship, and he was proud and happy about it. + +"Then he found that there had been a kind of a cold frost come upon that +town and the whole region roundabout; for while he had been away the +Father Mathew temperance excitement had come upon the whole region. +Therefore, everybody had taken the pledge; there wasn't anybody for miles +and miles around that had not taken the pledge. + +"So you can see what a solitude it was to this young man, who was fond of +his grog. And he was just an outcast, because when they found he would +not join Father Mathew's Society they ostracized him, and he went about +that town three weeks, day and night, in utter loneliness--the only human +being in the whole place who ever took grog, and he had to take it +privately. + +"If you don't know what it is to be ostracized, to be shunned by your +fellow-man, may you never know it. Then he recognized that there was +something more valuable in this life than grog, and that is the +fellowship of your fellow-man. And at last he gave it up, and at nine +o'clock one night he went down to the Father Mathew Temperance Society, +and with a broken heart he said: 'Put my name down for membership in this +society.' + +"And then he went away crying, and at earliest dawn the next morning they +came for him and routed him out, and they said that new ship of his was +ready to sail on a three years' voyage. In a minute he was on board that +ship and gone. + +"And he said--well, he was not out of sight of that town till he began to +repent, but he had made up his mind that he would not take a drink, and +so that whole voyage of three years was a three years' agony to that man +because he saw all the time the mistake he had made. + +"He felt it all through; he had constant reminders of it, because the +crew would pass him with their grog, come out on the deck and take it, +and there was the torturous Smell of it. + +"He went through the whole, three years of suffering, and at last coming +into port it was snowy, it was cold, he was stamping through the snow two +feet deep on the deck and longing to get home, and there was his crew +torturing him to the last minute with hot grog, but at last he had his +reward. He really did get to shore at fast, and jumped and ran and +bought a jug and rushed to the society's office, and said to the +secretary: + +"'Take my name off your membership books, and do it right away! I have +got a three years' thirst on.' + +"And the secretary said: 'It is not necessary. You were blackballed!'" + + + + + + +WATTERSON AND TWAIN AS REBELS + + ADDRESS AT THE CELEBRATION OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S 92D BIRTHDAY + ANNIVERSARY, CARNEGIE HALL, FEBRUARY 11, 1901, TO RAISE FUNDS + FOR THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL UNIVERSITY AT CUMBERLAND GAP, TENN. + +LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,--The remainder of my duties as presiding chairman +here this evening are but two--only two. One of them is easy, and the +other difficult. That is to say, I must introduce the orator, and then +keep still and give him a chance. The name of Henry Watterson carries +with it its own explanation. It is like an electric light on top of +Madison Square Garden; you touch the button and the light flashes up out +of the darkness. You mention the name of Henry Watterson, and your minds +are at once illuminated with the splendid radiance of his fame and +achievements. A journalist, a soldier, an orator, a statesman, a rebel. +Yes, he was a rebel; and, better still, now he is a reconstructed rebel. + +It is a curious circumstance, a circumstance brought about without any +collusion or prearrangement, that he and I, both of whom were rebels +related by blood to each other, should be brought here together this +evening bearing a tribute in our hands and bowing our heads in reverence +to that noble soul who for three years we tried to destroy. I don't know +as the fact has ever been mentioned before, but it is a fact, +nevertheless. Colonel Watterson and I were both rebels, and we are blood +relations. I was a second lieutenant in a Confederate company for a +while--oh, I could have stayed on if I had wanted to. I made myself +felt, I left tracks all around the country. I could have stayed on, but +it was such weather. I never saw such weather to be out-of-doors in, in +all my life. + +The Colonel commanded a regiment, and did his part, I suppose, to destroy +the Union. He did not succeed, yet if he had obeyed me he would have +done so. I had a plan, and I fully intended to drive General Grant into +the Pacific Ocean--if I could get transportation. I told Colonel +Watterson about it. I told him what he had to do. What I wanted him to +do was to surround the Eastern army and wait until I came up. But he was +insubordinate; he stuck on some quibble of military etiquette about a +second lieutenant giving orders to a colonel or something like that. And +what was the consequence? The Union was preserved. This is the first +time I believe that that secret has ever been revealed. + +No one outside of the family circle, I think, knew it before; but there +the facts are. Watterson saved the Union; yes, he saved the Union. And +yet there he sits, and not a step has been taken or a movement made +toward granting him a pension. That is the way things are done. It is a +case where some blushing ought to be done. You ought to blush, and I +ought to blush, and he--well, he's a little out of practice now. + + + + + + +ROBERT FULTON FUND + + ADDRESS MADE ON THE EVENING OF APRIL 19, 1906 + + Mr. Clemens had been asked to address the association by Gen. + Frederick D. Grant, president. He was offered a fee of $1,000, + but refused it, saying: + + "I shall be glad to do it, but I must stipulate that you keep + the $1,000, and add it to the Memorial Fund as my contribution + to erect a monument in New York to the memory of the man who + applied steam to navigation." + + At this meeting Mr. Clemens made this formal announcement from + the platform: + + "This is my last appearance on the paid platform. I shall not + retire from the gratis platform until I am buried, and courtesy + will compel me to keep still and not disturb the others. Now, + since I must, I shall say good-bye. I see many faces in this + audience well known to me. They are all my friends, and I feel + that those I don't know are my friends, too. I wish to + consider that you represent the nation, and that in saying + good-bye to you I am saying good-bye to the nation. In the + great name of humanity, let me say this final word: I offer an + appeal in behalf of that vast, pathetic multitude of fathers, + mothers, and helpless little children. They were sheltered and + happy two days ago. Now they are wandering, forlorn, hopeless, + and homeless, the victims of a great disaster. So I beg of + you, I beg of you, to open your hearts and open your purses and + remember San Francisco, the smitten city." + +I wish to deliver a historical address. I've been studying the history +of---er--a--let me see--a [then he stopped in confusion, and walked over +to Gen. Fred D. Grant, who sat at the head of the platform. He leaned +over an a whisper, and then returned to the front of the stage and +continued]. Oh yes! I've been studying Robert Fulton. I've been +studying a biographical sketch of Robert Fulton, the inventor of--er--a-- +let's see--ah yes, the inventor of the electric telegraph and the Morse +sewing--machine. Also, I understand he invented the air--diria--pshaw! +I have it at last--the dirigible balloon. Yes, the dirigible--but it is +a difficult word, and I don't see why anybody should marry a couple of +words like that when they don't want to be married at all and are likely +to quarrel with each other all the time. I should put that couple of +words under the ban of the United States Supreme Court, under its +decision of a few days ago, and take 'em out and drown 'em. + +I used to know Fulton. It used to do me good to see him dashing through +tile town on a wild broncho. + +And Fulton was born in---er--a--Well, it doesn't make much difference +where he was born, does it? I remember a man who came to interview me +once, to get a sketch of my life. I consulted with a friend--a practical +man--before he came, to know how I should treat him. + +"Whenever you give the interviewer a fact," he said, "give him another +fact that will contradict it. Then he'll go away with a jumble that he +can't use at all. Be gentle, be sweet, smile like an idiot--just be +natural." That's what my friend told me to do, and I did it. + +"Where were you born?" asked the interviewer. + +"Well-er-a," I began, "I was born in Alabama, or Alaska, or the Sandwich +Islands; I don't know where, but right around there somewhere. And you +had better put it down before you forget it." + +"But you weren't born in all those places," he said. + +"Well, I've offered you three places. Take your choice. They're all at +the same price." + +"How old are you?" he asked. + +"I shall be nineteen in June," I said. + +"Why, there's such a discrepancy between your age and your looks," he +said. + +"Oh, that's nothing," I said, "I was born discrepantly." + +Then we got to talking about my brother Samuel, and he told me my +explanations were confusing. + +"I suppose he is dead," I said. "Some said that he was dead and some +said that he wasn't." + +"Did you bury him without knowing whether he was dead or not?" asked the +reporter. + +"There was a mystery," said I. "We were twins, and one day when we were +two weeks old--that is, he was one week old, and I was one week old--we +got mixed up in the bath-tub, and one of us drowned. We never could tell +which. One of us had a strawberry birthmark on the back of his hand. +There it is on my hand. This is the one that was drowned. There's no +doubt about it. + +"Where's the mystery?" he said. + +"Why, don't you see how stupid it was to bury the wrong twin?" +I answered. I didn't explain it any more because he said the explanation +confused him. To me it is perfectly plain. + +But, to get back to Fulton. I'm going along like an old man I used to +know who used to start to tell a story about his grandfather. He had an +awfully retentive memory, and he never finished the story, because he +switched off into something else. He used to tell about how his +grandfather one day went into a pasture, where there was a ram. The old +man dropped a silver dime in the grass, and stooped over to pick it up. +The ram was observing him, and took the old man's action as an +invitation. + +Just as he was going to finish about the ram this friend of mine would +recall that his grandfather had a niece who had a glass eye. She used to +loan that glass eye to another lady friend, who used it when she received +company. The eye didn't fit the friend's face, and it was loose. And +whenever she winked it would turn aver. + +Then he got on the subject of accidents, and he would tell a story about +how he believed accidents never happened. + +"There was an Irishman coming down a ladder with a hod of bricks," he +said, "and a Dutchman was standing on the ground below. The Irishman +fell on the Dutchman and killed him. Accident? Never! If the Dutchman +hadn't been there the Irishman would have been killed. Why didn't the +Irishman fall on a dog which was next, to the Dutchman? Because the dog +would have seen him coming." + +Then he'd get off from the Dutchman to an uncle named Reginald Wilson. +Reginald went into a carpet factory one day, and got twisted into the +machinery's belt. He went excursioning around the factory until he was +properly distributed and was woven into sixty-nine yards of the best +three-ply carpet. His wife bought the carpet, and then she erected a +monument to his memory. It read: + + Sacred to the memory + of + sixty-nine yards of the best three-ply carpet + containing the mortal remainders of + + REGINALD WILSON + + Go thou and do likewise + +And so an he would ramble about telling the story of his grandfather +until we never were told whether he found the ten-cent piece or whether +something else happened. + + + + + + +FULTON DAY, JAMESTOWN + + ADDRESS DELIVERED SEPTEMBER 23, 1907 + + Lieutenant-Governor Ellyson, of Virginia, in introducing Mr. + Clemens, said: + + "The people have come here to bring a tribute of affectionate + recollection for the man who has contributed so much to the + progress of the world and the happiness of mankind." As Mr. + Clemens came down to the platform the applause became louder + and louder, until Mr. Clemens held out his hand for silence. + It was a great triumph, and it was almost a minute after the + applause ceased before Mr. Clemens could speak. He attempted + it once, and when the audience noticed his emotion, it cheered + again loudly. + +LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,--I am but human, and when you, give me a reception +like that I am obliged to wait a little while I get my voice. When you +appeal to my head, I don't feel it; but when you appeal to my heart, I do +feel it. + +We are here to celebrate one of the greatest events of American history, +and not only in American history, but in the world's history. + +Indeed it was--the application of steam by Robert Fulton. + +It was a world event--there are not many of them. It is peculiarly an +American event, that is true, but the influence was very broad in effect. +We should regard this day as a very great American holiday. We have not +many that are exclusively American holidays. We have the Fourth of July, +which we regard as an American holiday, but it is nothing of the kind. +I am waiting for a dissenting voice. All great efforts that led up to +the Fourth of July were made, not by Americans, but by English residents +of America, subjects of the King of England. + +They fought all the fighting that was done, they shed and spilt all the +blood that was spilt, in securing to us the invaluable liberties which +are incorporated in the Declaration of Independence; but they were not +Americans. They signed the Declaration of Independence; no American's +name is signed to that document at all. There never was an American such +as you and I are until after the Revolution, when it had all been fought +out and liberty secured, after the adoption of the Constitution, and the +recognition of the Independence of America by all powers. + +While we revere the Fourth of July--and let us always revere it, and the +liberties it conferred upon us--yet it was not an American event, a great +American day. + +It was an American who applied that steam successfully. There are not a +great many world events, and we have our full share. The telegraph, +telephone, and the application of steam to navigation--these are great +American events. + +To-day I have been requested, or I have requested myself, not to confine +myself to furnishing you with information, but to remind you of things, +and to introduce one of the nation's celebrants. + +Admiral Harrington here is going to tell you all that I have left untold. +I am going to tell you all that I know, and then he will follow up with +such rags and remnants as he can find, and tell you what he knows. + +No doubt you have heard a great deal about Robert Fulton and the +influences that have grown from his invention, but the little steamboat +is suffering neglect. + +You probably do not know a great deal about that boat. It was the most +important steamboat in the world. I was there and saw it. Admiral +Harrington was there at the time. It need not surprise you, for he is +not as old as he looks. That little boat was interesting in every way. +The size of it. The boat was one [consults Admiral], he said ten feet +long. The breadth of that boat [consults Admiral], two hundred feet. +You see, the first and most important detail is the length, then the +breadth, and then the depth; the depth of that boat was [consults again] +--the Admiral says it was a flat boat. Then her tonnage--you know +nothing about a boat until you know two more things: her speed and her +tonnage. We know the speed she made. She made four miles---and +sometimes five miles. It was on her initial trip, on, August 11, 1807, +that she made her initial trip, when she went from [consults Admiral] +Jersey City--to Chicago. That's right. She went by way of Albany. +Now comes the tonnage of that boat. Tonnage of a boat means the amount +of displacement; displacement means the amount of water a vessel can +shove in a day. The tonnage of man is estimated by the amount of whiskey +he can displace in a day. + +Robert Fulton named the 'Clermont' in honor of his bride, that is, +Clermont was the name of the county-seat. + +I feel that it surprises you that I know so much. In my remarks of +welcome of Admiral Harrington I am not going to give him compliments. +Compliments always embarrass a man. You do not know anything to say. +It does not inspire you with words. There is nothing you can say in +answer to a compliment. I have been complimented myself a great many +times, and they always embarrass me--I always feel that they have not +said enough. + +The Admiral and myself have held public office, and were associated +together a great deal a friendly way in the time of Pocahontas. That +incident where Pocahontas saves the life of Smith from her father, +Powhatan's club, was gotten up by the Admiral and myself to advertise +Jamestown. + +At that time the Admiral and myself did not have the facilities of +advertising that you have. + +I have known Admiral Harrington in all kinds of situations--in public +service, on the platform, and in the chain-gang now and then--but it was +a mistake. A case of mistaken identity. I do not think it is at all a +necessity to tell you Admiral Harrington's public history. You know that +it is in the histories. I am not here to tell you anything about his +public life, but to expose his private life. + +I am something of a poet. When the great poet laureate, Tennyson, died, +and I found that the place was open, I tried to get it--but I did not get +it. Anybody can write the first line of a poem, but it is a very +difficult task to make the second line rhyme with the first. When I was +down in Australia there were two towns named Johnswood and Par-am. I +made this rhyme: + + "The people of Johnswood are pious and good; + The people of Par-am they don't care a----." + +I do not want to compliment Admiral Harrington, but as long as such men +as he devote their lives to the public service the credit of the country +will never cease. I will say that the same high qualities, the same +moral and intellectual attainments, the same graciousness of manner, of +conduct, of observation, and expression have caused Admiral Harrington to +be mistaken for me--and I have been mistaken for him. + +A mutual compliment can go no further, and I now have the honor and +privilege of introducing to you Admiral Harrington. + + + + + + +LOTOS CLUB DINNER IN HONOR OF MARK TWAIN + + ADDRESS AT THE FIRST FORMAL DINNER IN THE NEW CLUB-HOUSE, + NOVEMBER 11, 1893 + + In introducing the guest of the evening, Mr. Lawrence said: + + "To-night the old faces appear once more amid new surroundings. + The place where last we met about the table has vanished, and + to-night we have our first Lotos dinner in a home that is all + our own. It is peculiarly fitting that the board should now be + spread in honor of one who has been a member of the club for + full a score of years, and it is a happy augury for the future + that our fellow-member whom we assemble to greet should be the + bearer of a most distinguished name in the world of letters; + for the Lotos Club is ever at its best when paying homage to + genius in literature or in art. Is there a civilized being who + has not heard the name of Mark Twain? We knew him long years + ago, before he came out of the boundless West, brimful of wit + and eloquence, with no reverence for anything, and went abroad + to educate the untutored European in the subtleties of the + American joke. The world has looked on and applauded while he + has broken many images. He has led us in imagination all over + the globe. With him as our guide we have traversed alike the + Mississippi and the Sea of Galilee. At his bidding we have + laughed at a thousand absurdities. By a laborious process of + reasoning he has convinced us that the Egyptian mummies are + actually dead. He has held us spellbound upon the plain at the + foot of the great Sphinx, and we have joined him in weeping + bitter tears at the tomb of Adam. To-night we greet him in the + flesh. What name is there in literature that can be likened to + his? Perhaps some of the distinguished gentlemen about this + table can tell us, but I know of none. Himself his only + parallel!" + +MR. PRESIDENT, GENTLEMEN, AND MY FELLOW-MEMBERS OF THE LOTOS CLUB,--I +have seldom in my lifetime listened to compliments so felicitously +phrased or so well deserved. I return thanks for them from a full heart +and an appreciative spirit, and I will say this in self-defence: While I +am charged with having no reverence for anything, I wish to say that I +have reverence for the man who can utter such truths, and I also have a +deep reverence and a sincere one for a club that can do such justice to +me. To be the chief guest of such a club is something to be envied, and +if I read your countenances rightly I am envied. I am glad to see this +club in such palatial quarters. I remember it twenty years ago when it +was housed in a stable. + +Now when I was studying for the ministry there were two or three things +that struck my attention particularly. At the first banquet mentioned in +history that other prodigal son who came back from his travels was +invited to stand up and have his say. They were all there, his brethren, +David and Goliath, and--er, and if he had had such experience as I have +had he would have waited until those other people got through talking. +He got up and testified to all his failings. Now if he had waited before +telling all about his riotous living until the others had spoken he might +not have given himself away as he did, and I think that I would give +myself away if I should go on. I think I'd better wait until the others +hand in their testimony; then if it is necessary for me to make an +explanation, I will get up and explain, and if I cannot do that, I'll +deny it happened. + + Later in the evening Mr. Clemens made another speech, replying + to a fire of short speeches by Charles Dudley Warner, Charles + A. Dana, Seth Low, General Porter, and many others, each + welcoming the guest of honor. + +I don't see that I have a great deal to explain. I got off very well, +considering the opportunities that these other fellows had. I don't see +that Mr. Low said anything against me, and neither did Mr. Dana. +However, I will say that I never heard so many lies told in one evening +as were told by Mr. McKelway--and I consider myself very capable; but +even in his case, when he got through, I was gratified by finding how +much he hadn't found out. By accident he missed the very things that I +didn't want to have said, and now, gentlemen, about Americanism. + +I have been on the continent of Europe for two and a half years. I have +met many Americans there, some sojourning for a short time only, others +making protracted stays, and it has been very gratifying to me to find +that nearly all preserved their Americanism. I have found they all like +to see the Flag fly, and that their hearts rise when they see the Stars +and Stripes. I met only one lady who had forgotten the land of her birth +and glorified monarchical institutions. + +I think it is a great thing to say that in two and a half years I met +only one person who had fallen a victim to the shams--I think we may call +them shams--of nobilities and of heredities. She was entirely lost in +them. After I had listened to her for a long time, I said to her: "At +least you must admit that we have one merit. We are not like the +Chinese, who refuse to allow their citizens who are tired of the country +to leave it. Thank God, we don't!" + + + + + + +COPYRIGHT + + With Mr. Howells, Edward Everett Hale, Thomas Nelson Page, and + a number of other authors, Mr. Clemens appeared before the + committee December 6, 1906. The new Copyright Bill + contemplated an author's copyright for the term of his life and + for fifty years thereafter, applying also for the benefit of + artists, musicians, and others, but the authors did most of the + talking. F. D. Millet made a speech for the artists, and John + Philip Sousa for the musicians. + + Mr. Clemens was the last speaker of the day, and its chief + feature. He made a speech, the serious parts of which created + a strong impression, and the humorous parts set the Senators + and Representatives in roars of laughter. + +I have read this bill. At least I have read such portions as I could +understand. Nobody but a practised legislator can read the bill and +thoroughly understand it, and I am not a practised legislator. + +I am interested particularly and especially in the part of the bill which +concerns my trade. I like that extension of copyright life to the +author's life and fifty years afterward. I think that would satisfy any +reasonable author, because it would take care of his children. Let the +grandchildren take care of themselves. That would take care of my +daughters, and after that I am not particular. I shall then have long +been out of this struggle, independent of it, indifferent to it. + +It isn't objectionable to me that all the trades and professions in the +United States are protected by the bill. I like that. They are all +important and worthy, and if we can take care of them under the Copyright +law I should like to see it done. I should like to see oyster culture +added, and anything else. + +I am aware that copyright must have a limit, because that is required by +the Constitution of the United States, which sets aside the earlier +Constitution, which we call the decalogue. The decalogue says you shall +not take away from any man his profit. I don't like to be obliged to use +the harsh term. What the decalogue really says is, "Thou shaft not +steal," but I am trying to use more polite language. + +The laws of England and America do take it away, do select but one class, +the people who create the literature of the land. They always talk +handsomely about the literature of the land, always what a fine, great, +monumental thing a great literature is, and in the midst of their +enthusiasm they turn around and do what they can to discourage it. + +I know we must have a limit, but forty-two years is too much of a limit. +I am quite unable to guess why there should be a limit at all to the +possession of the product of a man's labor. There is no limit to real +estate. + +Doctor Bale has suggested that a man might just as well, after +discovering a coal-mine and working it forty-two years, have the +Government step in and take it away. + +What is the excuse? It is that the author who produced that book has had +the profit of it long enough, and therefore the Government takes a profit +which does not belong to it and generously gives it to the 88,000,000 of +people. But it doesn't do anything of the kind. It merely takes the +author's property, takes his children's bread, and gives the publisher +double profit. He goes on publishing the book and as many of his +confederates as choose to go into the conspiracy do so, and they rear +families in affluence. + +And they continue the enjoyment of those ill-gotten gains generation +after generation forever, for they never die. In a few weeks or months +or years I shall be out of it, I hope under a monument. I hope I shall +not be entirely forgotten, and I shall subscribe to the monument myself. +But I shall not be caring what happens if there are fifty years left of +my copyright. My copyright produces annually a good deal more than I can +use, but my children can use it. I can get along; I know a lot of +trades. But that goes to my daughters, who can't get along as well as I +can because I have carefully raised them as young ladies, who don't know +anything and can't do anything. I hope Congress will extend to them the +charity which they have failed to get from me. + +Why, if a man who is not even mad, but only strenuous--strenuous about +race-suicide--should come to me and try to get me to use my large +political and ecclesiastical influence to get a bill passed by this +Congress limiting families to twenty-two children by one mother, I should +try to calm him down. I should reason with him. I should say to him, +"Leave it alone. Leave it alone and it will take care of itself. Only +one couple a year in the United States can reach that limit. If they +have reached that limit let them go right on. Let them have all the +liberty they want. In restricting that family to twenty-two children you +are merely conferring discomfort and unhappiness on one family per year +in a nation of 88,000,000, which is not worth while." + +It is the very same with copyright. One author per year produces a book +which can outlive the forty-two-year limit; that's all. This nation +can't produce two authors a year that can do it; the thing is +demonstrably impossible. All that the limited copyright can do is to +take the bread out of the mouths of the children of that one author per +year. + +I made an estimate some years ago, when I appeared before a committee of +the House of Lords, that we had published in this country since the +Declaration of Independence 220,000 books. They have all gone. They had +all perished before they were ten years old. It is only one book in 1000 +that can outlive the forty-two year limit. Therefore why put a limit at +all? You might as well limit the family to twenty-two children. + +If you recall the Americans in the nineteenth century who wrote books +that lived forty-two years you will have to begin with Cooper; you can +follow with Washington Irving, Harriet Beecher Stowe, Edgar Allan Poe, +and there you have to wait a long time. You come to Emerson, and you +have to stand still and look further. You find Howells and T. B. +Aldrich, and then your numbers begin to run pretty thin, and you question +if you can name twenty persons in the United States who--in a whole +century have written books that would live forty-two years. Why, you +could take them all and put them on one bench there [pointing]. Add the +wives and children and you could put the result on, two or three more +benches. + +One hundred persons--that is the little, insignificant crowd whose bread- +and-butter is to be taken away for what purpose, for what profit to +anybody? You turn these few books into the hands of the pirate and of +the legitimate publisher, too, and they get the profit that should have +gone to the wife and children. + +When I appeared before that committee of the House of Lords the chairman +asked me what limit I would propose. I said, "Perpetuity." I could see +some resentment in his manner, and he said the idea was illogical, for +the reason that it has long ago been decided that there can be no such +thing as property in ideas. I said there was property in ideas before +Queen Anne's time; they had perpetual copyright. He said, "What is a +book? A book is just built from base to roof on ideas, and there can be +no property in it." + +I said I wished he could mention any kind of property on this planet that +had a pecuniary value which was not derived from an idea or ideas. + +He said real estate. I put a supposititious case, a dozen Englishmen who +travel through South Africa and camp out, and eleven of them see +nothing at all; they are mentally blind. But there is one in the party +who knows what this harbor means and what the lay of the land means. To +him it means that some day a railway will go through here, and there on +that harbor a great city will spring up. That is his idea. And he has +another idea, which is to go and trade his last bottle of Scotch whiskey +and his last horse-blanket to the principal chief of that region and +buy a piece of land the size of Pennsylvania. + +That was the value of an idea that the day would come when the Cape to +Cairo Railway would be built. + +Every improvement that is put upon the real estate is the result of an +idea in somebody's head. The skyscraper is another idea; the railroad is +another; the telephone and all those things are merely symbols which +represent ideas. An andiron, a wash-tub, is the result of an idea that +did not exist before. + +So if, as that gentleman said, a book does consist solely of ideas, that +is the best argument in the world that it is property, and should not be +under any limitation at all. We don't ask for that. Fifty years from +now we shall ask for it. + +I hope the bill will pass without any deleterious amendments. I do seem +to be extraordinarily interested in a whole lot of arts and things that I +have got nothing to do with. It is a part of my generous, liberal +nature; I can't help it. I feel the same sort of charity to everybody +that was manifested by a gentleman who arrived at home at two o'clock in +the morning from the club and was feeling so perfectly satisfied with +life, so happy, and so comfortable, and there was his house weaving, +weaving, weaving around. He watched his chance, and by and by when the +steps got in his neighborhood he made a jump and climbed up and got on +the portico. + +And the house went on weaving and weaving and weaving, but he watched the +door, and when it came around his way he plunged through it. He got to +the stairs, and when he went up on all fours the house was so unsteady +that he could hardly make his way, but at last he got to the top and +raised his foot and put it on the top step. But only the toe hitched on +the step, and he rolled down and fetched up on the bottom step, with his +arm around the newel-post, and he said: + +"God pity the poor sailors out at sea on a night like this." + + + + + + +IN AID OF THE BLIND + + ADDRESS AT A PUBLIC MEETING OF THE NEW YORK ASSOCIATION FOR + PROMOTING THE INTERESTS OF THE BLIND AT THE WALDORF ASTORIA, + MARCH 29, 1906 + +If you detect any awkwardness in my movements and infelicities in my +conduct I will offer the explanation that I never presided at a meeting +of any kind before in my life, and that I do find it out of my line. +I supposed I could do anything anybody else could, but I recognize that +experience helps, and I do feel the lack of that experience. I don't +feel as graceful and easy as I ought to be in order to impress an +audience. I shall not pretend that I know how to umpire a meeting like +this, and I shall just take the humble place of the Essex band. + +There was a great gathering in a small New England town, about twenty- +five years ago. I remember that circumstance because there was something +that happened at that time. It was a great occasion. They gathered in +the militia and orators and everybody from all the towns around. It was +an extraordinary occasion. + +The little local paper threw itself into ecstasies of admiration and +tried to do itself proud from beginning to end. It praised the orators, +the militia, and all the bands that came from everywhere, and all this in +honest country newspaper detail, but the writer ran out of adjectives +toward the end. Having exhausted his whole magazine of praise and +glorification, he found he still had one band left over. He had to say +something about it, and he said: "The Essex band done the best it could." + +I am an Essex band on this occasion, and I am going to get through as +well as inexperience and good intentions will enable me. I have got all +the documents here necessary to instruct you in the objects and +intentions of this meeting and also of the association which has called +the meeting. But they are too voluminous. I could not pack those +statistics into my head, and I had to give it up. I shall have to just +reduce all that mass of statistics to a few salient facts. There are too +many statistics and figures for me. I never could do anything with +figures, never had any talent for mathematics, never accomplished +anything in my efforts at that rugged study, and to-day the only +mathematics I know is multiplication, and the minute I get away up in +that, as soon as I reach nine times seven-- + +[Mr. Clemens lapsed into deep thought for a moment. He was trying to +figure out nine times seven, but it was a hopeless task, and he turned to +St. Clair McKelway, who sat near him. Mr. McKelway whispered the answer, +and the speaker resumed:] + +I've got it now. It's eighty-four. Well, I can get that far all right +with a little hesitation. After that I am uncertain, and I can't manage +a statistic. + +"This association for the--" + +[Mr. Clemens was in another dilemma. Again he was obliged to turn to Mr. +McKelway.] + +Oh yes, for promoting the interests of the blind. It's a long name. If +I could I would write it out for you and let you take it home and study +it, but I don't know how to spell it. And Mr. Carnegie is down in +Virginia somewhere. Well, anyway, the object of that association which +has been recently organized, five months ago, in fact, is in the hands of +very, very energetic, intelligent, and capable people, and they will push +it to success very surely, and all the more surely if you will give them +a little of your assistance out of your pockets. + +The intention, the purpose, is to search out all the blind and find work +for them to do so that they may earn, their own bread. Now it is dismal +enough to be blind--it is dreary, dreary life at best, but it can be +largely ameliorated by finding something for these poor blind people to +do with their hands. The time passes so heavily that it is never day or +night with them, it is always night, and when they have to sit with +folded hands and with nothing to do to amuse or entertain or employ their +minds, it is drearier and drearier. + +And then the knowledge they have that they must subsist on charity, and +so often reluctant charity, it would renew their lives if they could have +something to do with their hands and pass their time and at the same time +earn their bread, and know the sweetness of the bread which is the result +of the labor of one's own hands. They need that cheer and pleasure. It +is the only way you can turn their night into day, to give them happy +hearts, the only thing you can put in the place of the blessed sun. That +you can do in the way I speak of. + +Blind people generally who have seen the light know what it is to miss +the light. Those who have gone blind since they were twenty years old-- +their lives are unendingly dreary. But they can be taught to use their +hands and to employ themselves at a great many industries. That +association from which this draws its birth in Cambridge, Massachusetts, +has taught its blind to make many things. They make them better than +most people, and more honest than people who have the use of their eyes. +The goods they make are readily salable. People like them. And so they +are supporting themselves, and it is a matter of cheer, cheer. They pass +their time now not too irksomely as they formerly did. + +What this association needs and wants is $15,000. The figures are set +down, and what the money is for, and there is no graft in it or I would +not be here. And they hope to beguile that out of your pockets, and you +will find affixed to the programme an opportunity, that little blank +which you will fill out and promise so much money now or to-morrow or +some time. Then, there is another opportunity which is still better, and +that is that you shall subscribe an annual sum. + +I have invented a good many useful things in my time, but never anything +better than that of getting money out of people who don't want to part +with it. It is always for good objects, of course. This is the plan: +When you call upon a person to contribute to a great and good object, and +you think he should furnish about $1,000, he disappoints you as like as +not. Much the best way to work him to supply that thousand dollars is to +split it into parts and contribute, say a hundred dollars a year, or +fifty, or whatever the sum maybe. Let him contribute ten or twenty a +year. He doesn't feel that, but he does feel it when you call upon him +to contribute a large amount. When you get used to it you would rather +contribute than borrow money. + +I tried it in Helen Keller's case. Mr. Hutton wrote me in 1896 or 1897 +when I was in London and said: "The gentleman who has been so liberal in +taking care of Helen Keller has died without making provision for her in +his will, and now they don't know what to do." They were proposing to +raise a fund, and he thought $50,000 enough to furnish an income of $2400 +or $2500 a year for the support of that wonderful girl and her wonderful +teacher, Miss Sullivan, now Mrs. Macy. I wrote to Mr. Hutton and said: +"Go on, get up your fund. It will be slow, but if you want quick work, +I propose this system," the system I speak of, of asking people to +contribute such and such a sum from year to year and drop out whenever +they please, and he would find there wouldn't be any difficulty, people +wouldn't feel the burden of it. And he wrote back saying he had raised +the $2400 a year indefinitely by that system in, a single afternoon. We +would like to do something just like that to-night. We will take as many +checks as you care to give. You can leave your donations in the big room +outside. + +I knew once what it was to be blind. I shall never forget that +experience. I have been as blind as anybody ever was for three or four +hours, and the sufferings that I endured and the mishaps and the +accidents that are burning in my memory make my sympathy rise when I feel +for the blind and always shall feel. I once went to Heidelberg on an +excursion. I took a clergyman along with me, the Rev. Joseph Twichell, +of Hartford, who is still among the living despite that fact. I always +travel with clergymen when I can. It is better for them, it is better +for me. And any preacher who goes out with me in stormy weather and +without a lightning rod is a good one. The Reverend Twichell is one of +those people filled with patience and endurance, two good ingredients for +a man travelling with me, so we got along very well together. In that +old town they have not altered a house nor built one in 1500 years. We +went to the inn and they placed Twichell and me in a most colossal +bedroom, the largest I ever saw or heard of. It was as big as this room. + +I didn't take much notice of the place. I didn't really get my bearings. +I noticed Twichell got a German bed about two feet wide, the kind in +which you've got to lie on your edge, because there isn't room to lie on +your back, and he was way down south in that big room, and I was way up +north at the other end of it, with a regular Sahara in between. + +We went to bed. Twichell went to sleep, but then he had his conscience +loaded and it was easy for him to get to sleep. I couldn't get to sleep. +It was one of those torturing kinds of lovely summer nights when you hear +various kinds of noises now and then. A mouse away off in the southwest. +You throw things at the mouse. That encourages the mouse. But I +couldn't stand it, and about two o'clock I got up and thought I would +give it up and go out in the square where there was one of those tinkling +fountains, and sit on its brink and dream, full of romance. + +I got out of bed, and I ought to have lit a candle, but I didn't think of +it until it was too late. It was the darkest place that ever was. There +has never been darkness any thicker than that. It just lay in cakes. + +I thought that before dressing I would accumulate my clothes. I pawed +around in the dark and found everything packed together on the floor +except one sock. I couldn't get on the track of that sock. It might +have occurred to me that maybe it was in the wash. But I didn't think of +that. I went excursioning on my hands and knees. Presently I thought, +"I am never going to find it; I'll go back to bed again." That is what I +tried to do during the next three hours. I had lost the bearings of that +bed. I was going in the wrong direction all the time. By-and-by I came +in collision with a chair and that encouraged me. + +It seemed to me, as far as I could recollect, there was only a chair here +and there and yonder, five or six of them scattered over this territory, +and I thought maybe after I found that chair I might find the next one. +Well, I did. And I found another and another and another. I kept going +around on my hands and knees, having those sudden collisions, and finally +when I banged into another chair I almost lost my temper. And I raised +up, garbed as I was, not for public exhibition, right in front of a +mirror fifteen or sixteen feet high. + +I hadn't noticed the mirror; didn't know it was there. And when I saw +myself in the mirror I was frightened out of my wits. I don't allow any +ghosts to bite me, and I took up a chair and smashed at it. A million +pieces. Then I reflected. That's the way I always do, and it's +unprofitable unless a man has had much experience that way and has clear +judgment. And I had judgment, and I would have had to pay for that +mirror if I hadn't recollected to say it was Twichell who broke it. + +Then I got down, on my hands and knees and went on another exploring +expedition. + +As far as I could remember there were six chairs in that Oklahoma, and +one table, a great big heavy table, not a good table to hit with your +head when rushing madly along. In the course of time I collided with +thirty-five chairs and tables enough to stock that dining-room out there. +It was a hospital for decayed furniture, and it was in a worse condition +when I got through with it. I went on and on, and at last got to a place +where I could feel my way up, and there was a shelf. I knew that wasn't +in the middle of the room. Up to that time I was afraid I had gotten out +of the city. + +I was very careful and pawed along that shelf, and there was a pitcher of +water about a foot high, and it was at the head of Twichell's bed, but I +didn't know it. I felt that pitcher going and I grabbed at it, but it +didn't help any and came right down in Twichell's face and nearly drowned +him. But it woke him up. I was grateful to have company on any terms. +He lit a match, and there I was, way down south when I ought to have been +back up yonder. My bed was out of sight it was so far away. You needed +a telescope to find it. Twichell comforted me and I scrubbed him off and +we got sociable. + +But that night wasn't wasted. I had my pedometer on my leg. Twichell +and I were in a pedometer match. Twichell had longer legs than I. The +only way I could keep up was to wear my pedometer to bed. I always walk +in my sleep, and on this occasion I gained sixteen miles on him. After +all, I never found that sock. I never have seen it from that day to +this. But that adventure taught me what it is to be blind. That was one +of the most serious occasions of my whole life, yet I never can speak of +it without somebody thinking it isn't serious. You try it and see how +serious it is to be as the blind are and I was that night. + +[Mr. Clemens read several letters of regret. He then introduced Joseph +H. Choate, saying:] + +It is now my privilege to present to you Mr. Choate. I don't have to +really introduce him. I don't have to praise him, or to flatter him. +I could say truly that in the forty-seven years I have been familiarly +acquainted with him he has always been the handsomest man America has +ever produced. And I hope and believe he will hold the belt forty-five +years more. He has served his country ably, faithfully, and brilliantly. +He stands at the summit, at the very top in the esteem and regard of his +countrymen, and if I could say one word which would lift him any higher +in his countrymen's esteem and affection, I would say that word whether +it was true or not. + + + + + + +DR. MARK TWAIN, FARMEOPATH + + ADDRESS AT THE ANNUAL DINNER OF THE NEW YORK POST-GRADUATE + MEDICAL SCHOOL AND HOSPITAL, JANUARY 21, 1909 + + The president, Dr. George N. Miller, in introducing Mr. + Clemens, referred to his late experience with burglars. + +GENTLEMEN AND DOCTORS,--I am glad to be among my own kind to-night. +I was once a sharpshooter, but now I practise a much higher and equally +as deadly a profession. It wasn't so very long ago that I became a +member of your cult, and for the time I've been in the business my record +is one that can't be scoffed at. + +As to the burglars, I am perfectly familiar with these people. I have +always had a good deal to do with burglars--not officially, but through +their attentions to me. I never suffered anything at the hands of a +burglar. They have invaded my house time and time again. They never got +anything. Then those people who burglarized our house in September--we +got back the plated ware they took off, we jailed them, and I have been +sorry ever since. They did us a great service they scared off all the +servants in the place. + +I consider the Children's Theatre, of which I am president, and the Post- +Graduate Medical School as the two greatest institutions in the country. +This school, in bringing its twenty thousand physicians from all parts of +the country, bringing them up to date, and sending them back with renewed +confidence, has surely saved hundreds of thousands of lives which +otherwise would have been lost. + +I have been practising now for seven months. When I settled on my farm +in Connecticut in June I found the Community very thinly settled--and +since I have been engaged in practice it has become more thinly settled +still. This gratifies me, as indicating that I am making an impression +on my community. I suppose it is the same with all of you. + +I have always felt that I ought to do something for you, and so I +organized a Redding (Connecticut) branch of the Post-Graduate School. +I am only a country farmer up there, but I am doing the best I can. + +Of course, the practice of medicine and surgery in a remote country +district has its disadvantages, but in my case I am happy in a division +of responsibility. I practise in conjunction with a horse-doctor, a +sexton, and an undertaker. The combination is air-tight, and once a man +is stricken in our district escape is impossible for him. + +These four of us--three in the regular profession and the fourth an +undertaker--are all good men. There is Bill Ferguson, the Redding +undertaker. Bill is there in every respect. He is a little lukewarm on +general practice, and writes his name with a rubber stamp. Like my old +Southern, friend, he is one of the finest planters anywhere. + +Then there is Jim Ruggles, the horse-doctor. Ruggles is one of the best +men I have got. He also is not much on general medicine, but he is a +fine horse-doctor. Ferguson doesn't make any money off him. + +You see, the combination started this way. When I got up to Redding and +had become a doctor, I looked around to see what my chances were for +aiding in, the great work. The first thing I did was to determine what +manner of doctor I was to be. Being a Connecticut farmer, I naturally +consulted my farmacopia, and at once decided to become a farmeopath. + +Then I got circulating about, and got in touch with Ferguson and +Ruggles. Ferguson joined readily in my ideas, but Ruggles kept saying +that, while it was all right for an undertaker to get aboard, he couldn't +see where it helped horses. + +Well, we started to find out what was the trouble with the community, and +it didn't take long to find out that there was just one disease, and that +was race-suicide. And driving about the country-side I was told by my +fellow-farmers that it was the only rational human and valuable disease. +But it is cutting into our profits so that we'll either have to stop it +or we'll have to move. + +We've had some funny experiences up there in Redding. Not long ago a +fellow came along with a rolling gait and a distressed face. We asked +him what was the matter. We always hold consultations on every case, as +there isn't business enough for four. He said he didn't know, but that +he was a sailor, and perhaps that might help us to give a diagnosis. We +treated him for that, and I never saw a man die more peacefully. + +That same afternoon my dog Tige treed an African gentleman. We chained +up the dog, and then the gentleman came down and said he had +appendicitis. We asked him if he wanted to be cut open, and he said yes, +that he'd like to know if there was anything in it. So we cut him open +and found nothing in him but darkness. So we diagnosed his case as +infidelity, because he was dark inside. Tige is a very clever dog, and +aids us greatly. + +The other day a patient came to me and inquired if I was old Doctor +Clemens-- + +As a practitioner I have given a great deal of my attention to Bright's +disease. I have made some rules for treating it that may be valuable. +Listen: + +Rule 1. When approaching the bedside of one whom an all-wise President-- +I mean an all-wise Providence--well, anyway, it's the same thing--has +seen fit to afflict with disease--well, the rule is simple, even if it is +old-fashioned. + +Rule 2. I've forgotten just what it is, but-- + +Rule 3. This is always indispensable: Bleed your patient. + + + + + + +MISSOURI UNIVERSITY SPEECH + + ADDRESS DELIVERED JUNE 4, 1902, AT COLUMBIA, MO. + + When the name of Samuel L. Clemens was called the humorist + stepped forward, put his hand to his hair, and apparently + hesitated. There was a dead silence for a moment. Suddenly + the entire audience rose and stood in silence. Some one began + to spell out the word Missouri with an interval between the + letters. All joined in. Then the house again became silent. + Mr. Clemens broke the spell: + +As you are all standing [he drawled in his characteristic voice], I +guess, I suppose I had better stand too. + +[Then came a laugh and loud cries for a speech. As the great humorist +spoke of his recent visit to Hannibal, his old home, his voice trembled.] + +You cannot know what a strain it was on my emotions [he said]. In fact, +when I found myself shaking hands with persons I had not seen for fifty +years and looking into wrinkled faces that were so young and joyous when +I last saw them, I experienced emotions that I had never expected, and +did not know were in me. I was profoundly moved anal saddened to think +that this was the last time, perhaps, that I would ever behold those kind +old faces and dear old scenes of childhood. + +[The humorist then changed to a lighter mood, and for a time the audience +was in a continual roar of laughter. He was particularly amused at the +eulogy on himself read by Gardiner Lathrop in conferring the degree.] He +has a fine opportunity to distinguish himself [said Mr. Clemens] by +telling the truth about me. + +I have seen it stated in print that as a boy I had been guilty of +stealing peaches, apples, and watermelons. I read a story to this effect +very closely not long ago, and I was convinced of one thing, which was +that the man who wrote it was of the opinion that it was wrong to steal, +and that I had not acted right in doing so. I wish now, however, to make +an honest statement, which is that I do not believe, in all my checkered +career, I stole a ton of peaches. + +One night I stole--I mean I removed--a watermelon from a wagon while the +owner was attending to another customer. I crawled off to a secluded +spot, where I found that it was green. It was the greenest melon in the +Mississippi Valley. Then I began to reflect. I began to be sorry. I +wondered what George Washington would have done had he been in my place. +I thought a long time, and then suddenly felt that strange feeling which +comes to a man with a good resolution, and I took up that watermelon and +took it back to its owner. I handed him the watermelon and told him to +reform. He took my lecture much to heart, and, when he gave me a good +one in place of the green melon, I forgave him. + +I told him that I would still be a customer of his, and that I cherished +no ill-feeling because of the incident--that would remain green in my +memory. + + + + + + +BUSINESS + + The alumni of Eastman College gave their annual banquet, + March 30, 1901, at the Y. M. C. A. Building. Mr. James G. + Cannon, of the Fourth National Bank, made the first speech of + the evening, after which Mr. Clemens was introduced by Mr. + Bailey as the personal friend of Tom Sawyer, who was one of the + types of successful business men. + +MR. CANNON has furnished me with texts enough to last as slow a speaker +as myself all the rest of the night. I took exception to the introducing +of Mr. Cannon as a great financier, as if he were the only great +financier present. I am a financier. But my methods are not the same as +Mr. Cannon's. + +I cannot say that I have turned out the great business man that I thought +I was when I began life. But I am comparatively young yet, and may +learn. I am rather inclined to believe that what troubled me was that I +got the big-head early in the game. I want to explain to you a few +points of difference between the principles of business as I see them and +those that Mr. Cannon believes in. + +He says that the primary rule of business success is loyalty to your +employer. That's all right--as a theory. What is the matter with +loyalty to yourself? As nearly as I can understand Mr. Cannon's +methods, there is one great drawback to them. He wants you to work a +great deal. Diligence is a good thing, but taking things easy is much +more-restful. My idea is that the employer should be the busy man, and +the employee the idle one. The employer should be the worried man, and +the employee the happy one. And why not? He gets the salary. My plan +is to get another man to do the work for me. In that there's more +repose. What I want is repose first, last, and all the time. + +Mr. Cannon says that there are three cardinal rules of business success; +they are diligence, honesty, and truthfulness. Well, diligence is all +right. Let it go as a theory. Honesty is the best policy--when there is +money in it. But truthfulness is one of the most dangerous--why, this +man is misleading you. + +I had an experience to-day with my wife which illustrates this. I was +acknowledging a belated invitation to another dinner for this evening, +which seemed to have been sent about ten days ago. It only reached me +this morning. I was mortified at the discourtesy into which I had been +brought by this delay, and wondered what was being thought of me by my +hosts. As I had accepted your invitation, of course I had to send +regrets to my other friends. + +When I started to write this note my wife came up and stood looking over +my shoulder. Women always want to know what is going on. Said she +"Should not that read in the third person?" I conceded that it should, +put aside what I was writing, and commenced over again. That seemed to +satisfy her, and so she sat down and let me proceed. I then--finished my +first note--and so sent what I intended. I never could have done this if +I had let my wife know the truth about it. Here is what I wrote: + + TO THE OHIO SOCIETY,--I have at this moment received a most kind + invitation (eleven days old) from Mr. Southard, president; and a + like one (ten days old) from Mr. Bryant, president of the Press + Club. I thank the society cordially for the compliment of these + invitations, although I am booked elsewhere and cannot come. + + But, oh, I should like to know the name of the Lightning Express by + which they were forwarded; for I owe a friend a dozen chickens, and + I believe it will be cheaper to send eggs instead, and let them + develop on the road. + Sincerely yours, + Mark TWAIN. + + +I want to tell you of some of my experiences in business, and then I will +be in a position to lay down one general rule for the guidance of those +who want to succeed in business. My first effort was about twenty-five +years ago. I took hold of an invention--I don't know now what it was all +about, but some one came to me tend told me it was a good thing, and that +there was lots of money in it. He persuaded me to invest $15,000, and I +lived up to my beliefs by engaging a man to develop it. To make a long +story short, I sunk $40,000 in it. + +Then I took up the publication of a book. I called in a publisher and +said to him: "I want you to publish this book along lines which I shall +lay down. I am the employer, and you are the employee. I am going to +show them some new kinks in the publishing business. And I want you to +draw on me for money as you go along," which he did. He drew on me for +$56,000. Then I asked him to take the book and call it off. But he +refused to do that. + +My next venture was with a machine for doing something or other. I knew +less about that than I did about the invention. But I sunk $170,000 in +the business, and I can't for the life of me recollect what it was the +machine was to do. + +I was still undismayed. You see, one of the strong points about my +business life was that I never gave up. I undertook to publish General +Grant's book, and made $140,000 in six months. My axiom is, to succeed +in business: avoid my example. + + + + + + +CARNEGIE THE BENEFACTOR + + At the dinner given in honor of Andrew Carnegie by the Lotos + Club, March 17, 1909, Mr. Clemens appeared in a white suit from + head to feet. He wore a white double-breasted coat, white + trousers, and white shoes. The only relief was a big black + cigar, which he confidentially informed the company was not + from his usual stack bought at $3 per barrel. + +The State of Missouri has for its coat of arms a barrel-head with two +Missourians, one on each side of it, and mark the motto--"United We +Stand, Divided We Fall." Mr. Carnegie, this evening, has suffered from +compliments. It is interesting to hear what people will say about a man. +Why, at the banquet given by this club in my honor, Mr. Carnegie had the +inspiration for which the club is now honoring him. If Dunfermline +contributed so much to the United States in contributing Mr. Carnegie, +what would have happened if all Scotland had turned out? These +Dunfermline folk have acquired advantages in coming to America. + +Doctor McKelway paid the top compliment, the cumulation, when he said of +Mr. Carnegie: + +"There is a man who wants to pay more taxes than he is charged." Richard +Watson Gilder did very well for a poet. He advertised his magazine. He +spoke of hiring Mr. Carnegie--the next thing he will be trying to hire +me. + +If I undertook--to pay compliments I would do it stronger than any others +have done it, for what Mr. Carnegie wants are strong compliments. Now, +the other side of seventy, I have preserved, as my chiefest virtue, +modesty. + + + + + + +ON POETRY, VERACITY, AND SUICIDE + + ADDRESS AT A DINNER OF THE MANHATTAN DICKENS FELLOWSHIP, + NEW YORK CITY, FEBRUARY 7, 1906 + + This dinner was in commemoration of the ninety-fourth + anniversary of the birth of Charles Dickens. On an other + occasion Mr. Clemens told the same story with variations and a + different conclusion to the University Settlement Society. + +I always had taken an interest in young people who wanted to become +poets. I remember I was particularly interested in one budding poet when +I was a reporter. His name was Butter. + +One day he came to me and said, disconsolately, that he was going to +commit suicide--he was tired of life, not being able to express his +thoughts in poetic form. Butter asked me what I thought of the idea. + +I said I would; that it was a good idea. "You can do me a friendly turn. +You go off in a private place and do it there, and I'll get it all. You +do it, and I'll do as much for you some time." + +At first he determined to drown himself. Drowning is so nice and clean, +and writes up so well in a newspaper. + +But things ne'er do go smoothly in weddings, suicides, or courtships. +Only there at the edge of the water, where Butter was to end himself, +lay a life-preserver--a big round canvas one, which would float after the +scrap-iron was soaked out of it. + +Butter wouldn't kill himself with the life-preserver in sight, and so I +had an idea. I took it to a pawnshop, and [soaked] it for a revolver: +The pawnbroker didn't think much of the exchange, but when I explained +the situation he acquiesced. We went up on top of a high building, and +this is what happened to the poet: + +He put the revolver to his forehead and blew a tunnel straight through +his head. The tunnel was about the size of your finger. You could look +right through it. The job was complete; there was nothing in it. + +Well, after that that man never could write prose, but he could write +poetry. He could write it after he had blown his brains out. There is +lots of that talent all over the country, but the trouble is they don't +develop it. + +I am suffering now from the fact that I, who have told the truth a good +many times in my life, have lately received more letters than anybody +else urging me to lead a righteous life. I have more friends who want to +see me develop on a high level than anybody else. + +Young John D. Rockefeller, two weeks ago, taught his Bible class all +about veracity, and why it was better that everybody should always keep a +plentiful supply on hand. Some of the letters I have received suggest +that I ought to attend his class and learn, too. Why, I know Mr. +Rockefeller, and he is a good fellow. He is competent in many ways to +teach a Bible class, but when it comes to veracity he is only thirty-five +years old. I'm seventy years old. I have been familiar with veracity +twice as long as he. + +And the story about George Washington and his little hatchet has also +been suggested to me in these letters--in a fugitive way, as if I needed +some of George Washington and his hatchet in my constitution. Why, dear +me, they overlook the real point in that story. The point is not the one +that is usually suggested, and you can readily see that. + +The point is not that George said to his father, "Yes, father, I cut down +the cheery-tree; I can't tell a lie," but that the little boy--only seven +years old--should have his sagacity developed under such circumstances. +He was a boy wise beyond his years. His conduct then was a prophecy of +later years. Yes, I think he was the most remarkable man the country +ever produced-up to my time, anyway. + +Now then, little George realized that circumstantial evidence was against +him. He knew that his father would know from the size of the chips that +no full-grown hatchet cut that tree down, and that no man would have +haggled it so. He knew that his father would send around the plantation +and inquire for a small boy with a hatchet, and he had the wisdom to come +out and confess it. Now, the idea that his father was overjoyed when he +told little George that he would rather have him cut down, a thousand +cheery-trees than tell a lie is all nonsense. What did he really mean? +Why, that he was absolutely astonished that he had a son who had the +chance to tell a lie and didn't. + +I admire old George--if that was his name--for his discernment. He knew +when he said that his son couldn't tell a lie that he was stretching it a +good deal. He wouldn't have to go to John D. Rockefeller's Bible class +to find that out. The way the old George Washington story goes down it +doesn't do anybody any good. It only discourages people who can tell a +lie. + + + + + + +WELCOME HOME + + ADDRESS AT THE DINNER IN HIS HONOR AT THE LOTOS CLUB, + NOVEMBER 10, 1900 + +In August, 1895, just before sailing for Australia, Mr. Clemens issued +the following statement: + +"It has been reported that I sacrificed, for the benefit of the +creditors, the property of the publishing firm whose financial backer I +was, and that I am now lecturing for my own benefit. + +"This is an error. I intend the lectures, as well as the property, for +the creditors. The law recognizes no mortgage on a man's brains, and a +merchant who has given up all he has may take advantage of the laws of +insolvency and may start free again for himself. But I am not a business +man, and honor is a harder master than the law. It cannot compromise for +less than one hundred cents on a dollar, and its debts are never +outlawed. + +"I had a two-thirds interest in the publishing firm whose capital I +furnished. If the firm had prospered I would have expected to collect +two-thirds of the profits. As it is, I expect to pay all the debts. My +partner has no resources, and I do not look for assistance to my wife, +whose contributions in cash from her own means have nearly equalled the +claims of all the creditors combined. She has taken nothing; on the +contrary, she has helped and intends to help me to satisfy the +obligations due to the rest of the creditors. + +"It is my intention to ask my creditors to accept that as a legal +discharge, and trust to my honor to pay the other fifty per cent. as fast +as I can earn it. From my reception thus far on my lecturing tour, I am +confident that if I live I can pay off the last debt within four years. + +"After which, at the age of sixty-four, I can make a fresh and +unincumbered start in life. I am going to Australia, India, and South +Africa, and next year I hope to make a tour of the great cities of the +United States." + +I thank you all out of my heart for this fraternal welcome, and it seems +almost too fine, almost too magnificent, for a humble Missourian such as +I am, far from his native haunts on the banks of the Mississippi; yet my +modesty is in a degree fortified by observing that I am not the only +Missourian who has been honored here to-night, for I see at this very +table-here is a Missourian [indicating Mr. McKelway], and there is a +Missourian [indicating Mr. Depew], and there is another Missourian--and +Hendrix and Clemens; and last but not least, the greatest Missourian of +them all--here he sits--Tom Reed, who has always concealed his birth till +now. And since I have been away I know what has been happening in his +case: he has deserted politics, and now is leading a creditable life. He +has reformed, and God prosper him; and I judge, by a remark which he made +up-stairs awhile ago, that he had found a new business that is utterly +suited to his make and constitution, and all he is doing now is that he +is around raising the average of personal beauty. + +But I am grateful to the president for the kind words which he has said +of me, and it is not for me to say whether these praises were deserved or +not. I prefer to accept them just as they stand, without concerning +myself with the statistics upon which they have been built, but only with +that large matter, that essential matter, the good-fellowship, the +kindliness, the magnanimity, and generosity that prompted their +utterance. Well, many things have happened since I sat here before, and +now that I think of it, the president's reference to the debts which were +left by the bankrupt firm of Charles L. Webster & Co. gives me an +opportunity to say a word which I very much wish to say, not for myself, +but for ninety-five men and women whom I shall always hold in high esteem +and in pleasant remembrance--the creditors of that firm. They treated me +well; they treated me handsomely. There were ninety-six of them, and by +not a finger's weight did ninety-five of them add to the burden of that +time for me. Ninety-five out of the ninety-six--they didn't indicate by +any word or sign that they were anxious about their money. They treated +me well, and I shall not forget it; I could not forget it if I wanted to. +Many of them said, "Don't you worry, don't you hurry"; that's what they +said. Why, if I could have that kind of creditors always, and that +experience, I would recognize it as a personal loss to be out of debt. +I owe those ninety-five creditors a debt of homage, and I pay it now in +such measure as one may pay so fine a debt in mere words. Yes, they said +that very thing. I was not personally acquainted with ten of them, and +yet they said, "Don't you worry, and don't you hurry." I know that +phrase by heart, and if all the other music should perish out of the +world it would still sing to me. I appreciate that; I am glad to say +this word; people say so much about me, and they forget those creditors. +They were handsomer than I was--or Tom Reed. + +Oh, you have been doing many things in this time that I have been absent; +you have done lots of things, some that are well worth remembering, too. +Now, we have fought a righteous war since I have gone, and that is rare +in history--a righteous war is so rare that it is almost unknown in +history; but by the grace of that war we set Cuba free, and we joined her +to those three or four nations that exist on this earth; and we started +out to set those poor Filipinos free, too, and why, why, why that most +righteous purpose of ours has apparently miscarried I suppose I never +shall know. + +But we have made a most creditable record in China in these days--our +sound and level-headed administration has made a most creditable record +over there, and there are some of the Powers that cannot say that by any +means. The Yellow Terror is threatening this world to-day. It is +looming vast and ominous on that distant horizon. I do not know what is +going to be the result of that Yellow Terror, but our government has had +no hand in evoking it, and let's be happy in that and proud of it. + +We have nursed free silver, we watched by its cradle; we have done the +best we could to raise that child, but those pestiferous Republicans have +--well, they keep giving it the measles every chance they get, and we +never shall raise that child. Well, that's no matter--there's plenty of +other things to do, and we must think of something else. Well, we have +tried a President four years, criticised him and found fault with him the +whole time, and turned around a day or two ago with votes enough to spare +to elect another. O consistency! consistency! thy name--I don't know +what thy name is--Thompson will do--any name will do--but you see there +is the fact, there is the consistency. Then we have tried for governor +an illustrious Rough Rider, and we liked him so much in that great office +that now we have made him Vice-President--not in order that that office +shall give him distinction, but that he may confer distinction upon that +office. And it's needed, too--it's needed. And now, for a while anyway, +we shall not be stammering and embarrassed when a stranger asks us, "What +is the name of the Vice-President?" This one is known; this one is +pretty well known, pretty widely known, and in some quarters favorably. +I am not accustomed to dealing in these fulsome compliments, and I am +probably overdoing it a little; but--well, my old affectionate admiration +for Governor Roosevelt has probably betrayed me into the complimentary +excess; but I know him, and you know him; and if you give him rope +enough--I mean if--oh yes, he will justify that compliment; leave it just +as it is. And now we have put in his place Mr. Odell, another Rough +Rider, I suppose; all the fat things go to that profession now. Why, I +could have been a Rough Rider myself if I had known that this political +Klondike was going to open up, and I would have been a Rough Rider if I +could have gone to war on an automobile but not on a horse! No, I know +the horse too well; I have known the horse in war and in peace, and there +is no place where a horse is comfortable. The horse has too many +caprices, and he is too much given to initiative. He invents too many +new ideas. No, I don't want anything to do with a horse. + +And then we have taken Chauncey Depew out of a useful and active life and +made him a Senator--embalmed him, corked him up. And I am not grieving. +That man has said many a true thing about me in his time, and I always +said something would happen to him. Look at that [pointing to Mr. Depew] +gilded mummy! He has made my life a sorrow to me at many a banquet on +both sides of the ocean, and now he has got it. Perish the hand that +pulls that cork! + +All these things have happened, all these things have come to pass, while +I have been away, and it just shows how little a Mugwump can be missed in +a cold, unfeeling world, even when he is the last one that is left-- +a GRAND OLD PARTY all by himself. And there is another thing that has +happened, perhaps the most imposing event of them all: the institution +called the Daughters of the--Crown--the Daughters of the Royal Crown--has +established itself and gone into business. Now, there's an American idea +for you; there's an idea born of God knows what kind of specialized +insanity, but not softening of the brain--you cannot soften a thing that +doesn't exist--the Daughters of the Royal Crown! Nobody eligible but +American descendants of Charles II. Dear me, how the fancy product of +that old harem still holds out! + +Well, I am truly glad to foregather with you again, and partake of the +bread and salt of this hospitable house once more. Seven years ago, when +I was your guest here, when I was old and despondent, you gave me the +grip and the word that lift a man up and make him glad to be alive; and +now I come back from my exile young again, fresh and alive, and ready to +begin life once more, and your welcome puts the finishing touch upon my +restored youth and makes it real to me, and not a gracious dream that +must vanish with the morning. I thank you. + + + + + + +AN UNDELIVERED SPEECH + + The steamship St. Paul was to have been launched from Cramp's + shipyard in Philadelphia on March 25, 1895. After the + launching a luncheon was to nave been given, at which Mr. + Clemens was to make a speech. Just before the final word was + given a reporter asked Mr. Clemens for a copy of his speech to + be delivered at the luncheon. To facilitate the work of the + reporter he loaned him a typewritten copy of the speech. It + happened, however, that when the blocks were knocked away the + big ship refused to budge, and no amount of labor could move + her an inch. She had stuck fast upon the ways. As a result, + the launching was postponed for a week or two; but in the mean + time Mr. Clemens had gone to Europe. Years after a reporter + called on Mr. Clemens and submitted the manuscript of the + speech, which was as follows: + +Day after to-morrow I sail for England in a ship of this line, the Paris. +It will be my fourteenth crossing in three years and a half. Therefore, +my presence here, as you see, is quite natural, quite commercial. I am +interested in ships. They interest me more now than hotels do. When a +new ship is launched I feel a desire to go and see if she will be good +quarters for me to live in, particularly if she belongs to this line, for +it is by this line that I have done most of my ferrying. + +People wonder why I go so much. Well, I go partly for my health, partly +to familiarize myself with the road. I have gone over the same road so +many times now that I know all the whales that belong along the route, +and latterly it is an embarrassment to me to meet them, for they do not +look glad to see me, but annoyed, and they seem to say: "Here is this old +derelict again." + +Earlier in life this would have pained me and made me ashamed, but I am +older now, and when I am behaving myself, and doing right, I do not care +for a whale's opinion about me. When we are young we generally estimate +an opinion by the size of the person that holds it, but later we find +that that is an uncertain rule, for we realize that there are times when +a hornet's opinion disturbs us more than an emperor's. + +I do not mean that I care nothing at all for a whale's opinion, for that +would be going to too great a length. Of course, it is better to have +the good opinion of a whale than his disapproval; but my position is that +if you cannot have a whale's good opinion, except at some sacrifice of +principle or personal dignity, it is better to try to live without it. +That is my idea about whales. + +Yes, I have gone over that same route so often that I know my way without +a compass, just by the waves. I know all the large waves and a good many +of the small ones. Also the sunsets. I know every sunset and where it +belongs just by its color. Necessarily, then, I do not make the passage +now for scenery. That is all gone by. + +What I prize most is safety, and in, the second place swift transit and +handiness. These are best furnished, by the American line, whose +watertight compartments have no passage through them; no doors to be left +open, and consequently no way for water to get from one of them to +another in time of collision. If you nullify the peril which collisions +threaten you with, you nullify the only very serious peril which attends +voyages in the great liners of our day, and makes voyaging safer than +staying at home. + +When the Paris was half-torn to pieces some years ago, enough of the +Atlantic ebbed and flowed through one end of her, during her long agony, +to sink the fleets of the world if distributed among them; but she +floated in perfect safety, and no life was lost. In time of collision +the rock of Gibraltar is not safer than the Paris and other great ships +of this line. This seems to be the only great line in the world that +takes a passenger from metropolis to metropolis without the intervention +of tugs and barges or bridges--takes him through without breaking bulk, +so to speak. + +On the English side he lands at a dock; on the dock a special train is +waiting; in an hour and three-quarters he is in, London. Nothing could +be handier. If your journey were from a sand-pit on our side to a +lighthouse on the other, you could make it quicker by other lines, but +that is not the case. The journey is from the city of New York to the +city of London, and no line can do that journey quicker than this one, +nor anywhere near as conveniently and handily. And when the passenger +lands on our side he lands on the American side of the river, not in the +provinces. As a very learned man said on the last voyage (he is head +quartermaster of the New York land garboard streak of the middle watch) + +"When we land a passenger on the American side there's nothing betwix him +and his hotel but hell and the hackman." + +I am glad, with you and the nation, to welcome the new ship. She is +another pride, another consolation, for a great country whose mighty +fleets have all vanished, and which has almost forgotten, what it is to +fly its flag to sea. I am not sure as to which St. Paul she is named +for. Some think it is the one that is on the upper Mississippi, but the +head quartermaster told me it was the one that killed Goliath. But it is +not important. No matter which it is, let us give her hearty welcome and +godspeed. + + + + + + +SIXTY-SEVENTH BIRTHDAY + + AT THE METROPOLITAN CLUB, NEW YORK, NOVEMBER 28, 1902 + + Address at a dinner given in honor of Mr. Clemens by Colonel + Harvey, President of Harper & Brothers. + +I think I ought to be allowed to talk as long as I want to, for the +reason that I have cancelled all my winter's engagements of every kind, +for good and sufficient reasons, and am making no new engagements for +this winter, and, therefore, this is the only chance I shall have to +disembowel my skull for a year--close the mouth in that portrait for a +year. I want to offer thanks and homage to the chairman for this +innovation which he has introduced here, which is an improvement, as I +consider it, on the old-fashioned style of conducting occasions like +this. That was bad that was a bad, bad, bad arrangement. Under that old +custom the chairman got up and made a speech, he introduced the prisoner +at the bar, and covered him all over with compliments, nothing but +compliments, not a thing but compliments, never a slur, and sat down and +left that man to get up and talk without a text. You cannot talk on +compliments; that is not a text. No modest person, and I was born one, +can talk on compliments. A man gets up and is filled to the eyes with +happy emotions, but his tongue is tied; he has nothing to say; he is in +the condition of Doctor Rice's friend who came home drunk and explained +it to his wife, and his wife said to him, "John, when you have drunk all +the whiskey you want, you ought to ask for sarsaparilla." He said, "Yes, +but when I have drunk all the whiskey I want I can't say sarsaparilla." +And so I think it is much better to leave a man unmolested until the +testimony and pleadings are all in. Otherwise he is dumb--he is at the +sarsaparilla stage. + +Before I get to the higgledy-piggledy point, as Mr. Howells suggested I +do, I want to thank you, gentlemen, for this very high honor you are +doing me, and I am quite competent to estimate it at its value. I see +around me captains of all the illustrious industries, most distinguished +men; there are more than fifty here, and I believe I know thirty-nine of +them well. I could probably borrow money from--from the others, anyway. +It is a proud thing to me, indeed, to see such a distinguished company +gather here on such an occasion as this, when there is no foreign prince +to be feted--when you have come here not to do honor to hereditary +privilege and ancient lineage, but to do reverence to mere moral +excellence and elemental veracity-and, dear me, how old it seems to make +me! I look around me and I see three or four persons I have known so +many, many years. I have known Mr. Secretary Hay--John Hay, as the +nation and the rest of his friends love to call him--I have known John +Hay and Tom Reed and the Reverend Twichell close upon thirty-six years. +Close upon thirty-six years I have known those venerable men. I have +known Mr. Howells nearly thirty-four years, and I knew Chauncey Depew +before he could walk straight, and before he learned to tell the truth. +Twenty-seven years ago, I heard him make the most noble and eloquent and +beautiful speech that has ever fallen from even his capable lips. Tom +Reed said that my principal defect was inaccuracy of statement. Well, +suppose that that is true. What's the use of telling the truth all the +time? I never tell the truth about Tom Reed--but that is his defect, +truth; he speaks the truth always. Tom Reed has a good heart, and he has +a good intellect, but he hasn't any judgment. Why, when Tom Reed was +invited to lecture to the Ladies' Society for the Procreation or +Procrastination, or something, of morals, I don't know what it was-- +advancement, I suppose, of pure morals--he had the immortal indiscretion +to begin by saying that some of us can't be optimists, but by judiciously +utilizing the opportunities that Providence puts in our way we can all be +bigamists. You perceive his limitations. Anything he has in his mind he +states, if he thinks it is true. Well, that was true, but that was no +place to say it--so they fired him out. + +A lot of accounts have been settled here tonight for me; I have held +grudges against some of these people, but they have all been wiped out by +the very handsome compliments that have been paid me. Even Wayne +MacVeagh--I have had a grudge against him many years. The first time I +saw Wayne MacVeagh was at a private dinner-party at Charles A. Dana's, +and when I got there he was clattering along, and I tried to get a word +in here and there; but you know what Wayne MacVeagh is when he is +started, and I could not get in five words to his one--or one word to his +five. I struggled along and struggled along, and--well, I wanted to tell +and I was trying to tell a dream I had had the night before, and it was a +remarkable dream, a dream worth people's while to listen to, a dream +recounting Sam Jones the revivalist's reception in heaven. I was on a +train, and was approaching the celestial way-station--I had a through +ticket--and I noticed a man sitting alongside of me asleep, and he had +his ticket in his hat. He was the remains of the Archbishop of +Canterbury; I recognized him by his photograph. I had nothing against +him, so I took his ticket and let him have mine. He didn't object--he +wasn't in a condition to object--and presently when the train stopped at +the heavenly station--well, I got off, and he went on by request--but +there they all were, the angels, you know, millions of them, every one +with a torch; they had arranged for a torch-light procession; they were +expecting the Archbishop, and when I got off they started to raise a +shout, but it didn't materialize. I don't know whether they were +disappointed. I suppose they had a lot of superstitious ideas about the +Archbishop and what he should look like, and I didn't fill the bill, and +I was trying to explain to Saint Peter, and was doing it in the German +tongue, because I didn't want to be too explicit. Well, I found it was +no use, I couldn't get along, for Wayne MacVeagh was occupying the whole +place, and I said to Mr. Dana, "What is the matter with that man? Who is +that man with the long tongue? What's the trouble with him, that long, +lank cadaver, old oil-derrick out of a job--who is that?" "Well, now," +Mr. Dana said, "you don't want to meddle with him; you had better keep +quiet; just keep quiet, because that's a bad man. Talk! He was born to +talk. Don't let him get out with you; he'll skin you." I said, "I have +been skinned, skinned, and skinned for years, there is nothing left." +He said, "Oh, you'll find there is; that man is the very seed and +inspiration of that proverb which says, 'No matter how close you skin an +onion, a clever man can always peel it again.'" Well, I reflected and +I quieted down. That would never occur to Tom Reed. He's got no +discretion. Well, MacVeagh is just the same man; he hasn't changed a bit +in all those years; he has been peeling Mr. Mitchell lately. That's the +kind of man he is. + +Mr. Howells--that poem of his is admirable; that's the way to treat a +person. Howells has a peculiar gift for seeing the merits of people, +and he has always exhibited them in my favor. Howells has never written +anything about me that I couldn't read six or seven times a day; he is +always just and always fair; he has written more appreciatively of me +than any one in this world, and published it in the North American +Review. He did me the justice to say that my intentions--he italicized +that--that my intentions were always good, that I wounded people's +conventions rather than their convictions. Now, I wouldn't want anything +handsomer than that said of me. I would rather wait, with anything harsh +I might have to say, till the convictions become conventions. Bangs has +traced me all the way down. He can't find that honest man, but I will +look for him in the looking-glass when I get home. It was intimated by +the Colonel that it is New England that makes New York and builds up this +country and makes it great, overlooking the fact that there's a lot of +people here who came from elsewhere, like John Hay from away out West, +and Howells from Ohio, and St. Clair McKelway and me from Missouri, and +we are doing what we can to build up New York a little-elevate it. Why, +when I was living in that village of Hannibal, Missouri, on the banks of +the Mississippi, and Hay up in the town of Warsaw, also on the banks of +the Mississippi River it is an emotional bit of the Mississippi, and when +it is low water you have to climb up to it on a ladder, and when it +floods you have to hunt for it; with a deep-sea lead--but it is a great +and beautiful country. In that old time it was a paradise for +simplicity--it was a simple, simple life, cheap but comfortable, and full +of sweetness, and there was nothing of this rage of modern civilization +there at all. It was a delectable land. I went out there last June, +and I met in that town of Hannibal a schoolmate of mine, John Briggs, +whom I had not seen for more than fifty years. I tell you, that was a +meeting! That pal whom I had known as a little boy long ago, and knew +now as a stately man three or four inches over six feet and browned by +exposure to many climes, he was back there to see that old place again. +We spent a whole afternoon going about here and there and yonder, and +hunting up the scenes and talking of the crimes which we had committed so +long ago. It was a heartbreaking delight, full of pathos, laughter, and +tears, all mixed together; and we called the roll of the boys and girls +that we picnicked and sweethearted with so many years ago, and there were +hardly half a dozen of them left; the rest were in their graves; and we +went up there on the summit of that hill, a treasured place in my memory, +the summit of Holiday's Hill, and looked out again over that magnificent +panorama of the Mississippi River, sweeping along league after league, a +level green paradise on one side, and retreating capes and promontories +as far as you could see on the other, fading away in the soft, rich +lights of the remote distance. I recognized then that I was seeing now +the most enchanting river view the planet could furnish. I never knew it +when I was a boy; it took an educated eye that had travelled over the +globe to know and appreciate it; and John said, "Can you point out the +place where Bear Creek used to be before the railroad came?" I said, +"Yes, it ran along yonder." "And can you point out the swimming-hole?" +"Yes, out there." And he said, "Can you point out the place where we +stole the skiff?" Well, I didn't know which one he meant. Such a +wilderness of events had intervened since that day, more than fifty years +ago, it took me more than five minutes to call back that little incident, +and then I did call it back; it was a white skiff, and we painted it red +to allay suspicion. And the saddest, saddest man came along--a stranger +he was--and he looked that red skiff over so pathetically, and he said: +"Well, if it weren't for the complexion I'd know whose skiff that was." +He said it in that pleading way, you know, that appeals for sympathy and +suggestion; we were full of sympathy for him, but we weren't in any +condition to offer suggestions. I can see him yet as he turned away with +that same sad look on his face and vanished out of history forever. +I wonder what became of that man. I know what became of the skiff. +Well, it was a beautiful life, a lovely life. There was no crime. +Merely little things like pillaging orchards and watermelon-patches and +breaking the Sabbath--we didn't break the Sabbath often enough to +signify--once a week perhaps. But we were good boys, good Presbyterian +boys, all Presbyterian boys, and loyal and all that; anyway, we were good +Presbyterian boys when the weather was doubtful; when it was fair, we did +wander a little from the fold. + +Look at John Hay and me. There we were in obscurity, and look where we +are now. Consider the ladder which he has climbed, the illustrious +vocations he has served--and vocations is the right word; he has in all +those vocations acquitted himself with high credit and honor to his +country and to the mother that bore him. Scholar, soldier, diplomat, +poet, historian--now, see where we are. He is Secretary of State and I +am a gentleman. It could not happen in any other country. Our +institutions give men the positions that of right belong to them through +merit; all you men have won your places, not by heredities, and not by +family influence or extraneous help, but only by the natural gifts God +gave you at your birth, made effective by your own energies; this is the +country to live in. + +Now, there is one invisible guest here. A part of me is present; the +larger part, the better part, is yonder at her home; that is my wife, +and she has a good many personal friends here, and I think it won't +distress any one of them to know that, although she is going to be +confined to that bed for many months to come from that nervous +prostration, there is not any danger and she is coming along very well-- +and I think it quite appropriate that I should speak of her. I knew her +for the first time just in the same year that I first knew John Hay and +Tom Reed and Mr. Twichell--thirty-six years ago--and she has been the +best friend I have ever had, and that is saying a good deal; she has +reared me--she and Twichell together--and what I am I owe to them. +Twichell why, it is such a pleasure to look upon Twichell's face! +For five-and-twenty years I was under the Rev. Mr. Twichell's tuition, +I was in his pastorate, occupying a pew in his church, and held him in +due reverence. That man is full of all the graces that go to make a +person companionable and beloved; and wherever Twichell goes to start a +church the people flock there to buy the land; they find real estate goes +up all around the spot, and the envious and the thoughtful always try to +get Twichell to move to their neighborhood and start a church; and +wherever you see him go you can go and buy land there with confidence, +feeling sure that there will be a double price for you before very long. +I am not saying this to flatter Mr. Twichell; it is the fact. Many and +many a time I have attended the annual sale in his church, and bought up +all the pews on a margin--and it would have been better for me +spiritually and financially if I had stayed under his wing. + +I have tried to do good in this world, and it is marvellous in how many +different ways I have done good, and it is comfortable to reflect--now, +there's Mr. Rogers--just out of the affection I bear that man many a time +I have given him points in finance that he had never thought of--and if +he could lay aside envy, prejudice, and superstition, and utilize those +ideas in his business, it would make a difference in his bank account. + +Well, I like the poetry. I like all the speeches and the poetry, too. +I liked Doctor Van Dyke's poem. I wish I could return thanks in proper +measure to you, gentlemen, who have spoken and violated your feelings to +pay me compliments; some were merited and some you overlooked, it is +true; and Colonel Harvey did slander every one of you, and put things +into my mouth that I never said, never thought of at all. + +And now, my wife and I, out of our single heart, return you our deepest +and most grateful thanks, and--yesterday was her birthday. + + + + + + +TO THE WHITEFRIARS + + ADDRESS AT THE DINNER GIVEN BY THE WHITEFRIARS CLUB IN HONOR OF + MR. CLEMENS, LONDON, JUNE 20, 1899 + + The Whitefriars Club was founded by Dr. Samuel Johnson, and Mr. + Clemens was made an honorary member in 1874. The members are + representative of literary and journalistic London. The toast + of "Our Guest" was proposed by Louis F. Austin, of the + Illustrated London News, and in the course of some humorous + remarks he referred to the vow and to the imaginary woes of the + "Friars," as the members of the club style themselves. + +MR. CHAIRMAN AND BRETHREN OF THE VOW--in whatever the vow is; for +although I have been a member of this club for five-and twenty years, +I don't know any more about what that vow is than Mr. Austin seems to. +But what ever the vow is, I don't care what it is. I have made a +thousand vows. + +There is no pleasure comparable to making a vow in the presence of one +who appreciates that vow, in the presence of men who honor and appreciate +you for making the vow, and men who admire you for making the vow. + +There is only one pleasure higher than that, and that is to get outside +and break the vow. A vow is always a pledge of some kind or other for +the protection of your own morals and principles or somebody else's, +and generally, by the irony of fate, it is for the protection of your own +morals. + +Hence we have pledges that make us eschew tobacco or wine, and while you +are taking the pledge there is a holy influence about that makes you feel +you are reformed, and that you can never be so happy again in this world +until--you get outside and take a drink. + +I had forgotten that I was a member of this club--it is so long ago. +But now I remember that I was here five-and-twenty years ago, and that I +was then at a dinner of the Whitefriars Club, and it was in those old +days when you had just made two great finds. All London was talking +about nothing else than that they had found Livingstone, and that the +lost Sir Roger Tichborne had been found--and they were trying him for it. + +And at the dinner, Chairman (I do not know who he was)--failed to come to +time. The gentleman who had been appointed to pay me the customary +compliments and to introduce me forgot the compliments, and did not know +what they were. + +And George Augustus Sala came in at the last moment, just when I was +about to go without compliments altogether. And that man was a gifted +man. They just called on him instantaneously, while he was going to sit +down, to introduce the stranger, and Sala, made one of those marvellous +speeches which he was capable of making. I think no man talked so fast +as Sala did. One did not need wine while he was making a speech. The +rapidity of his utterance made a man drunk in a minute. An incomparable +speech was that, an impromptu speech, and--an impromptu speech is a +seldom thing, and he did it so well. + +He went into the whole history of the United States, and made it entirely +new to me. He filled it with episodes and incidents that Washington +never heard of, and he did it so convincingly that although I knew none +of it had happened, from that day to this I do not know any history but +Sala's. + +I do not know anything so sad as a dinner where you are going to get up +and say something by-and-by, and you do not know what it is. You sit and +wonder and wonder what the gentleman is going to say who is going to +introduce you. You know that if he says something severe, that if he +will deride you, or traduce you, or do anything of that kind, he will +furnish you with a text, because anybody can get up and talk against +that. + +Anybody can get up and straighten out his character. But when a +gentleman gets up and merely tells the truth about you, what can you do? + +Mr. Austin has done well. He has supplied so many texts that I will have +to drop out a lot of them, and that is about as difficult as when you do +not have any text at all. Now, he made a beautiful and smooth speech +without any difficulty at all, and I could have done that if I had gone +on with the schooling with which I began. I see here a gentleman on my +left who was my master in the art of oratory more than twenty-five years +ago. + +When I look upon the inspiring face of Mr. Depew, it carries me a long +way back. An old and valued friend of mine is he, and I saw his career +as it came along, and it has reached pretty well up to now, when he, by +another miscarriage of justice, is a United States Senator. But those +were delightful days when I was taking lessons in oratory. + +My other master the Ambassador-is not here yet. Under those two +gentlemen I learned to make after-dinner speeches, and it was charming. + +You know the New England dinner is the great occasion on the other side +of the water. It is held every year to celebrate the landing of the +Pilgrims. Those Pilgrims were a lot of people who were not needed in +England, and you know they had great rivalry, and they were persuaded to +go elsewhere, and they chartered a ship called Mayflower and set sail, +and I have heard it said that they pumped the Atlantic Ocean through that +ship sixteen times. + +They fell in over there with the Dutch from Rotterdam, Amsterdam, and a +lot of other places with profane names, and it is from that gang that Mr. +Depew is descended. + +On the other hand, Mr. Choate is descended from those Puritans who landed +on a bitter night in December. Every year those people used to meet at a +great banquet in New York, and those masters of mind in oratory had to +make speeches. It was Doctor Depew's business to get up there and +apologise for the Dutch, and Mr. Choate had to get up later and explain +the crimes of the Puritans, and grand, beautiful times we used to have. + +It is curious that after that long lapse of time I meet the Whitefriars +again, some looking as young and fresh as in the old days, others showing +a certain amount of wear and tear, and here, after all this time, I find +one of the masters of oratory and the others named in the list. + +And here we three meet again as exiles on one pretext or another, and you +will notice that while we are absent there is a pleasing tranquillity in +America--a building up of public confidence. We are doing the best we +can for our country. I think we have spent our lives in serving our +country, and we never serve it to greater advantage than when we get out +of it. + +But impromptu speaking--that is what I was trying to learn. That is a +difficult thing. I used to do it in this way. I used to begin about a +week ahead, and write out my impromptu, speech and get it by heart. Then +I brought it to the New England dinner printed on a piece of paper in my +pocket, so that I could pass it to the reporters all cut and dried, and +in order to do an impromptu speech as it should be done you have to +indicate the places for pauses and hesitations. I put them all in it. +And then you want the applause in the right places. + +When I got to the place where it should come in, if it did not come in +I did not care, but I had it marked in the paper. And these masters of +mind used to wonder why it was my speech came out in the morning in the +first person, while theirs went through the butchery of synopsis. + +I do that kind of speech (I mean an offhand speech), and do it well, and +make no mistake in such a way to deceive the audience completely and make +that audience believe it is an impromptu speech--that is art. + +I was frightened out of it at last by an experience of Doctor Hayes. He +was a sort of Nansen of that day. He had been to the North Pole, and it +made him celebrated. He had even seen the polar bear climb the pole. + +He had made one of those magnificent voyages such as Nansen made, and in +those days when a man did anything which greatly distinguished him for +the moment he had to come on to the lecture platform and tell all about +it. + +Doctor Hayes was a great, magnificent creature like Nansen, superbly +built. He was to appear in Boston. He wrote his lecture out, and it was +his purpose to read it from manuscript; but in an evil hour he concluded +that it would be a good thing to preface it with something rather +handsome, poetical, and beautiful that he could get off by heart and +deliver as if it were the thought of the moment. + +He had not had my experience, and could not do that. He came on the +platform, held his manuscript down, and began with a beautiful piece of +oratory. He spoke something like this: + +"When a lonely human being, a pigmy in the midst of the architecture of +nature, stands solitary on those icy waters and looks abroad to the +horizon and sees mighty castles and temples of eternal ice raising up +their pinnacles tipped by the pencil of the departing sun--" + +Here a man came across the platform and touched him on the shoulder, and +said: "One minute." And then to the audience: + +"Is Mrs. John Smith in the house? Her husband has slipped on the ice and +broken his leg." + +And you could see the Mrs. John Smiths get up everywhere and drift out of +the house, and it made great gaps everywhere. Then Doctor Hayes began +again: "When a lonely man, a pigmy in the architecture--" The janitor +came in again and shouted: "It is not Mrs. John Smith! It is Mrs. John +Jones!" + +Then all the Mrs. Jones got up and left. Once more the speaker started, +and was in the midst of the sentence when he was interrupted again, and +the result was that the lecture was not delivered. But the lecturer +interviewed the janitor afterward in a private room, and of the fragments +of the janitor they took "twelve basketsful." + +Now, I don't want to sit down just in this way. I have been talking with +so much levity that I have said no serious thing, and you are really no +better or wiser, although Robert Buchanan has suggested that I am a +person who deals in wisdom. I have said nothing which would make you +better than when you came here. + +I should be sorry to sit down without having said one serious word which +you can carry home and relate to your children and the old people who are +not able to get away. + +And this is just a little maxim which has saved me from many a difficulty +and many a disaster, and in times of tribulation and uncertainty has come +to my rescue, as it shall to yours if you observe it as I do day and +night. + +I always use it in an emergency, and you can take it home as a legacy +from me, and it is "When in doubt, tell the truth." + + + + + + +THE ASCOT GOLD CUP + + The news of Mr. Clemens's arrival in England in June, 1907, was + announced in the papers with big headlines. Immediately + following the announcement was the news--also with big + headlines--that the Ascot Gold Cup had been stolen the same + day. The combination, MARK TWAIN ARRIVES-ASCOT CUP STOLEN, + amused the public. The Lord Mayor of London gave a banquet at + the Mansion House in honor of Mr. Clemens. + +I do assure you that I am not so dishonest as I look. I have been so +busy trying to rehabilitate my honor about that Ascot Cup that I have had +no time to prepare a speech. + +I was not so honest in former days as I am now, but I have always been +reasonably honest. Well, you know how a man is influenced by his +surroundings. Once upon a time I went to a public meeting where the +oratory of a charitable worker so worked on my feelings that, in common +with others, I would have dropped something substantial in the hat--if it +had come round at that moment. + +The speaker had the power of putting those vivid pictures before one. +We were all affected. That was the moment for the hat. I would have put +two hundred dollars in. Before he had finished I could have put in four +hundred dollars. I felt I could have filled up a blank check--with +somebody else's name--and dropped it in. + +Well, now, another speaker got up, and in fifteen minutes damped my +spirit; and during the speech of the third speaker all my enthusiasm went +away. When at last the hat came round I dropped in ten cents--and took +out twenty-five. + +I came over here to get the honorary degree from Oxford, and I would have +encompassed the seven seas for an honor like that--the greatest honor +that has ever fallen to my share. I am grateful to Oxford for conferring +that honor upon me, and I am sure my country appreciates it, because +first and foremost it is an honor to my country. + +And now I am going home again across the sea. I am in spirit young but +in the flesh old, so that it is unlikely that when I go away I shall ever +see England again. But I shall go with the recollection of the generous +and kindly welcome I have had. + +I suppose I must say "Good-bye." I say it not with my lips only, but +from the heart. + + + + + + +THE SAVAGE CLUB DINNER + + A portrait of Mr. Clemens, signed by all the members of the + club attending the dinner, was presented to him, July 6, 1907, + and in submitting the toast "The Health of Mark Twain" Mr. J. + Scott Stokes recalled the fact that he had read parts of Doctor + Clemens's works to Harold Frederic during Frederic's last + illness. + +MR. CHAIRMAN AND FELLOW-SAVAGES,--I am very glad indeed to have that +portrait. I think it is the best one that I have ever had, and there +have been opportunities before to get a good photograph. I have sat to +photographers twenty-two times to-day. Those sittings added to those +that have preceded them since I have been in Europe--if we average at +that rate--must have numbered one hundred to two hundred sittings. Out +of all those there ought to be some good photographs. This is the best I +have had, and I am glad to have your honored names on it. I did not know +Harold Frederic personally, but I have heard a great deal about him, and +nothing that was not pleasant and nothing except such things as lead a +man to honor another man and to love him. I consider that it is a +misfortune of mine that I have never had the luck to meet him, and if any +book of mine read to him in his last hours made those hours easier for +him and more comfortable, I am very glad and proud of that. I call to +mind such a case many years ago of an English authoress, well known in +her day, who wrote such beautiful child tales, touching and lovely in +every possible way. In a little biographical sketch of her I found that +her last hours were spent partly in reading a book of mine, until she was +no longer able to read. That has always remained in my mind, and I have +always cherished it as one of the good things of my life. I had read +what she had written, and had loved her for what she had done. + +Stanley apparently carried a book of mine feloniously away to Africa, +and I have not a doubt that it had a noble and uplifting influence there +in the wilds of Africa--because on his previous journeys he never carried +anything to read except Shakespeare and the Bible. I did not know of +that circumstance. I did not know that he had carried a book of mine. +I only noticed that when he came back he was a reformed man. I knew +Stanley very well in those old days. Stanley was the first man who ever +reported a lecture of mine, and that was in St. Louis. When I was down +there the next time to give the same lecture I was told to give them +something fresh, as they had read that in the papers. I met Stanley here +when he came back from that first expedition of his which closed with the +finding of Livingstone. You remember how he would break out at the +meetings of the British Association, and find fault with what people +said, because Stanley had notions of his own, and could not contain them. +They had to come out or break him up--and so he would go round and +address geographical societies. He was always on the warpath in those +days, and people always had to have Stanley contradicting their geography +for them and improving it. But he always came back and sat drinking beer +with me in the hotel up to two in the morning, and he was then one of the +most civilized human beings that ever was. + +I saw in a newspaper this evening a reference to an interview which +appeared in one of the papers the other day, in which the interviewer +said that I characterized Mr. Birrell's speech the other day at the +Pilgrims' Club as "bully." Now, if you will excuse me, I never use slang +to an interviewer or anybody else. That distresses me. Whatever I said +about Mr. Birrell's speech was said in English, as good English as +anybody uses. If I could not describe Mr. Birrell's delightful speech +without using slang I would not describe it at all. I would close my +mouth and keep it closed, much as it would discomfort me. + +Now that comes of interviewing a man in the first person, which is an +altogether wrong way to interview him. It is entirely wrong because none +of you, I, or anybody else, could interview a man--could listen to a man +talking any length of time and then go off and reproduce that talk in the +first person. It can't be done. What results is merely that the +interviewer gives the substance of what is said and puts it in his own +language and puts it in your mouth. It will always be either better +language than you use or worse, and in my case it is always worse. +I have a great respect for the English language. I am one of its +supporters, its promoters, its elevators. I don't degrade it. A slip of +the tongue would be the most that you would get from me. I have always +tried hard and faithfully to improve my English and never to degrade it. +I always try to use the best English to describe what I think and what I +feel, or what I don't feel and what I don't think. + +I am not one of those who in expressing opinions confine themselves to +facts. I don't know anything that mars good literature so completely as +too much truth. Facts contain a deal of poetry, but you can't use too +many of them without damaging your literature. I love all literature, +and as long as I am a doctor of literature--I have suggested to you for +twenty years I have been diligently trying to improve my own literature, +and now, by virtue of the University of Oxford, I mean to doctor +everybody else's. + +Now I think I ought to apologize for my clothes. At home I venture +things that I am not permitted by my family to venture in foreign parts. +I was instructed before I left home and ordered to refrain from white +clothes in England. I meant to keep that command fair and clean, and I +would have done it if I had been in the habit of obeying instructions, +but I can't invent a new process in life right away. I have not had +white clothes on since I crossed the ocean until now. + +In these three or four weeks I have grown so tired of gray and black that +you have earned my gratitude in permitting me to come as I have. I wear +white clothes in the depth of winter in my home, but I don't go out in +the streets in them. I don't go out to attract too much attention. +I like to attract some, and always I would like to be dressed so that I +may be more conspicuous than anybody else. + +If I had been an ancient Briton, I would not have contented myself with +blue paint, but I would have bankrupted the rainbow. I so enjoy gay +clothes in which women clothe themselves that it always grieves me when I +go to the opera to see that, while women look like a flower-bed, the men +are a few gray stumps among them in their black evening dress. These are +two or three reasons why I wish to wear white clothes: When I find +myself in assemblies like this, with everybody in black clothes, I know I +possess something that is superior to everybody else's. Clothes are +never clean. You don't know whether they are clean or not, because you +can't see. + +Here or anywhere you must scour your head every two or three days or it +is full of grit. Your clothes must collect just as much dirt as your +hair. If you wear white clothes you are clean, and your cleaning bill +gets so heavy that you have to take care. I am proud to say that I can +wear a white suit of clothes without a blemish for three days. If you +need any further instruction in the matter of clothes I shall be glad to +give it to you. I hope I have convinced some of you that it is just as +well to wear white clothes as any other kind. I do not want to boast. +I only want to make you understand that you are not clean. + +As to age, the fact that I am nearly seventy-two years old does not +clearly indicate how old I am, because part of every day--it is with me +as with you, you try to describe your age, and you cannot do it. +Sometimes you are only fifteen; sometimes you are twenty-five. It is +very seldom in a day that I am seventy-two years old. I am older now +sometimes than I was when I used to rob orchards; a thing which I would +not do to-day--if the orchards were watched. I am so glad to be here to- +night. I am so glad to renew with the Savages that now ancient time when +I first sat with a company of this club in London in 1872. That is a +long time ago. But I did stay with the Savages a night in London long +ago, and as I had come into a very strange land, and was with friends, +as I could see, that has always remained in my mind as a peculiarly +blessed evening, since it brought me into contact with men of my own kind +and my own feelings. + +I am glad to be here, and to see you all again, because it is very likely +that I shall not see you again. It is easier than I thought to come +across the Atlantic. I have been received, as you know, in the most +delightfully generous way in England ever since I came here. It keeps me +choked up all the time. Everybody is so generous, and they do seem to +give you such a hearty welcome. Nobody in the world can appreciate it +higher than I do. It did not wait till I got to London, but when I came +ashore at Tilbury the stevedores on the dock raised the first welcome +--a good and hearty welcome from the men who do the heavy labor in the +world, and save you and me having to do it. They are the men who with +their hands build empires and make them prosper. It is because of them +that the others are wealthy and can live in luxury. They received me +with a "Hurrah!" that went to my heart. They are the men that build +civilization, and without them no civilization can be built. So I came +first to the authors and creators of civilization, and I blessedly end +this happy meeting with the Savages who destroy it. + + + + + + +GENERAL MILES AND THE DOG + + Mr. Clemens was the guest of honor at a dinner given by the + Pleiades Club at the Hotel Brevoort, December 22, 1907. The + toastmaster introduced the guest of the evening with a high + tribute to his place in American literature, saying that he was + dear to the hearts of all Americans. + +It is hard work to make a speech when you have listened to compliments +from the powers in authority. A compliment is a hard text to preach to. +When the chairman introduces me as a person of merit, and when he says +pleasant things about me, I always feel like answering simply that what +he says is true; that it is all right; that, as far as I am concerned, +the things he said can stand as they are. But you always have to say +something, and that is what frightens me. + +I remember out in Sydney once having to respond to some complimentary +toast, and my one desire was to turn in my tracks like any other worm-- +and run, for it. I was remembering that occasion at a later date when I +had to introduce a speaker. Hoping, then, to spur his speech by putting +him, in joke, on the defensive, I accused him in my introduction of +everything I thought it impossible for him to have committed. When I +finished there was an awful calm. I had been telling his life history by +mistake. + +One must keep up one's character. Earn a character first if you can, and +if you can't, then assume one. From the code of morals I have been +following and revising and revising for seventy-two years I remember one +detail. All my life I have been honest--comparatively honest. I could +never use money I had not made honestly--I could only lend it. + +Last spring I met General Miles again, and he commented on the fact that +we had known each other thirty years. He said it was strange that we had +not met years before, when we had both been in Washington. At that point +I changed the subject, and I changed it with art. But the facts are +these: + +I was then under contract for my Innocents Abroad, but did not have a +cent to live on while I wrote it. So I went to Washington to do a little +journalism. There I met an equally poor friend, William Davidson, who +had not a single vice, unless you call it a vice in a Scot to love +Scotch. Together we devised the first and original newspaper syndicate, +selling two letters a week to twelve newspapers and getting $1 a letter. +That $24 a week would have been enough for us--if we had not had to +support the jug. + +But there was a day when we felt that we must have $3 right away--$3 at +once. That was how I met the General. It doesn't matter now what we +wanted so much money at one time for, but that Scot and I did +occasionally want it. The Scot sent me out one day to get it. He had a +great belief in Providence, that Scottish friend of mine. He said: "The +Lord will provide." + +I had given up trying to find the money lying about, and was in a hotel +lobby in despair, when I saw a beautiful unfriended dog. The dog saw me, +too, and at once we became acquainted. Then General Miles came in, +admired the dog, and asked me to price it. I priced it at $3. He +offered me an opportunity to reconsider the value of the beautiful +animal, but I refused to take more than Providence knew I needed. The +General carried the dog to his room. + +Then came in a sweet little middle-aged man, who at once began looking +around the lobby. + +"Did you lose a dog?" I asked. He said he had. + +"I think I could find it," I volunteered, "for a small sum." + +"'How much?'" he asked. And I told him $3. + +He urged me to accept more, but I did not wish to outdo Providence. Then +I went to the General's room and asked for the dog back. He was very +angry, and wanted to know why I had sold him a dog that did not belong to +me. + +"That's a singular question to ask me, sir," I replied. "Didn't you ask +me to sell him? You started it." And he let me have him. I gave him +back his $3 and returned the dog, collect, to its owner. That second $3 +I earned home to the Scot, and we enjoyed it, but the first $3, the money +I got from the General, I would have had to lend. + +The General seemed not to remember my part in that adventure, and I never +had the heart to tell him about it. + + + + + + +WHEN IN DOUBT, TELL THE TRUTH + + Mark Twain's speech at the dinner of the "Freundschaft + Society," March 9, 1906, had as a basis the words of + introduction used by Toastmaster Frank, who, referring to + Pudd'nhead Wilson, used the phrase, "When in doubt, tell the + truth." + +MR. CHAIRMAN, Mr. PUTZEL, AND GENTLEMEN OF THE FREUNDSCHAFT,--That maxim +I did invent, but never expected it to be applied to me. I did say, +"When you are in doubt," but when I am in doubt myself I use more +sagacity. + +Mr. Grout suggested that if I have anything to say against Mr. Putzel, or +any criticism of his career or his character, I am the last person to +come out on account of that maxim and tell the truth. That is altogether +a mistake. + +I do think it is right for other people to be virtuous so that they can +be happy hereafter, but if I knew every impropriety that even Mr. Putzel +has committed in his life, I would not mention one of them. My judgment +has been maturing for seventy years, and I have got to that point where I +know better than that. + +Mr. Putzel stands related to me in a very tender way (through the tax +office), and it does not behoove me to say anything which could by any +possibility militate against that condition of things. + +Now, that word--taxes, taxes, taxes! I have heard it to-night. I have +heard it all night. I wish somebody would change that subject; that is a +very sore subject to me. + +I was so relieved when judge Leventritt did find something that was not +taxable--when he said that the commissioner could not tax your patience. +And that comforted me. We've got so much taxation. I don't know of a +single foreign product that enters this country untaxed except the answer +to prayer. + +On an occasion like this the proprieties require that you merely pay +compliments to the guest of the occasion, and I am merely here to pay +compliments to the guest of the occasion, not to criticise him in any +way, and I can say only complimentary things to him. + +When I went down to the tax office some time ago, for the first time in +New York, I saw Mr. Putzel sitting in the "Seat of Perjury." I recognized +him right away. I warmed to him on the spot. I didn't know that I had +ever seen him before, but just as soon as I saw him I recognized him. +I had met him twenty-five years before, and at that time had achieved a +knowledge of his abilities and something more than that. + +I thought: "Now, this is the man whom I saw twenty-five years ago." +On that occasion I not only went free at his hands, but carried off +something more than that. I hoped it would happen again. + +It was twenty-five years ago when I saw a young clerk in Putnam's +bookstore. I went in there and asked for George Haven Putnam, and handed +him my card, and then the young man said Mr. Putnam was busy and I +couldn't see him. Well, I had merely called in a social way, and so it +didn't matter. + +I was going out when I saw a great big, fat, interesting-looking book +lying there, and I took it up. It was an account of the invasion of +England in the fourteenth century by the Preaching Friar, and it +interested me. + +I asked him the price of it, and he said four dollars. + +"Well," I said, "what discount do you allow to publishers?" + +He said: "Forty percent. off." + +I said: "All right, I am a publisher." + +He put down the figure, forty per cent. off, on a card. + +Then I said: "What discount do you allow to authors?" + +He said: "Forty per cent. off." + +"Well," I said, "set me down as an author." + +"Now," said I, "what discount do you allow to the clergy?" + +He said: "Forty per cent. off." + +I said to him that I was only on the road, and that I was studying for +the ministry. I asked him wouldn't he knock off twenty per cent. for +that. He set down the figure, and he never smiled once. + +I was working off these humorous brilliancies on him and getting no +return--not a scintillation in his eye, not a spark of recognition of +what I was doing there. I was almost in despair. + +I thought I might try him once more, so I said "Now, I am also a member +of the human race. Will you let me have the ten per cent. off for that?" +He set it down, and never smiled. + +Well, I gave it up. I said: "There is my card with my address on it, +but I have not any money with me. Will you please send the bill to +Hartford?" I took up the book and was going away. + +He said: "Wait a minute. There is forty cents coming to you." + +When I met him in the tax office I thought maybe I could make something +again, but I could not. But I had not any idea I could when I came, and +as it turned out I did get off entirely free. + +I put up my hand and made a statement. It gave me a good deal of pain to +do that. I was not used to it. I was born and reared in the higher +circles of Missouri, and there we don't do such things--didn't in my +time, but we have got that little matter settled--got a sort of tax +levied on me. + +Then he touched me. Yes, he touched me this time, because he cried-- +cried! He was moved to tears to see that I, a virtuous person only a +year before, after immersion for one year--during one year in the New +York morals--had no more conscience than a millionaire. + + + + + + +THE DAY WE CELEBRATE, + + ADDRESS AT THE FOURTH-OF-JULY DINNER OF THE AMERICAN SOCIETY, + LONDON, 1899. + +I noticed in Ambassador Choate's speech that he said: "You may be +Americans or Englishmen, but you cannot be both at the same time." +You responded by applause. + +Consider the effect of a short residence here. I find the Ambassador +rises first to speak to a toast, followed by a Senator, and I come third. +What a subtle tribute that to monarchial influence of the country when +you place rank above respectability! + +I was born modest, and if I had not been things like this would force it +upon me. I understand it quite well. I am here to see that between them +they do justice to the day we celebrate, and in case they do not I must +do it myself. But I notice they have considered this day merely from one +side--its sentimental, patriotic, poetic side. But it has another side. +It has a commercial, a business side that needs reforming. It has a +historical side. + +I do not say "an" historical side, because I am speaking the American +language. I do not see why our cousins should continue to say "an" +hospital, "an" historical fact, "an" horse. It seems to me the Congress +of Women, now in session, should look to it. I think "an" is having a +little too much to do with it. It comes of habit, which accounts for +many things. + +Yesterday, for example, I was at a luncheon party. At the end of the +party a great dignitary of the English Established Church went away half +an hour before anybody else and carried off my hat. Now, that was an +innocent act on his part. He went out first, and of course had the +choice of hats. As a rule I try to get out first myself. But I hold +that it was an innocent, unconscious act, due, perhaps, to heredity. +He was thinking about ecclesiastical matters, and when a man is in that +condition of mind he will take anybody's hat. The result was that the +whole afternoon I was under the influence of his clerical hat and could +not tell a lie. Of course, he was hard at it. + +It is a compliment to both of us. His hat fitted me exactly; my hat +fitted him exactly. So I judge I was born to rise to high dignity in the +Church some how or other, but I do not know what he was born for. That +is an illustration of the influence of habit, and it is perceptible here +when they say "an" hospital, "an" European, "an" historical. + +The business aspects of the Fourth of July is not perfect as it stands. +See what it costs us every year with loss of life, the crippling of +thousands with its fireworks, and the burning down of property. It is +not only sacred to patriotism sand universal freedom, but to the surgeon, +the undertaker, the insurance offices--and they are working, it for all +it is worth. + +I am pleased to see that we have a cessation of war for the time. This +coming from me, a soldier, you will appreciate. I was a soldier in the +Southern war for two weeks, and when gentlemen get up to speak of the +great deeds our army and navy have recently done, why, it goes all +through me and fires up the old war spirit. I had in my first engagement +three horses shot under me. The next ones went over my head, the next +hit me in the back. Then I retired to meet an engagement. + +I thank you, gentlemen, for making even a slight reference to the war +profession, in which I distinguished myself, short as my career was. + + + + + + +INDEPENDENCE DAY + + The American Society in London gave a banquet, July 4, 1907, at + the Hotel Cecil. Ambassador Choate called on Mr. Clemens to + respond to the toast "The Day We Celebrate." + +MR. CHAIRMAN, MY LORD, AND GENTLEMEN,--Once more it happens, as it has +happened so often since I arrived in England a week or two ago, that +instead of celebrating the Fourth of July properly as has been indicated, +I have to first take care of my personal character. Sir Mortimer Durand +still remains unconvinced. Well, I tried to convince these people from +the beginning that I did not take the Ascot Cup; and as I have failed to +convince anybody that I did not take the cup, I might as well confess I +did take it and be done with it. I don't see why this uncharitable +feeling should follow me everywhere, and why I should have that crime +thrown up to me on all occasions. The tears that I have wept over it +ought to have created a different feeling than this--and, besides, +I don't think it is very right or fair that, considering England has been +trying to take a cup of ours for forty years--I don't see why they should +take so much trouble when I tried to go into the business myself. + +Sir Mortimer Durand, too, has had trouble from going to a dinner here, +and he has told you what he suffered in consequence. But what did he +suffer? He only missed his train, and one night of discomfort, and he +remembers it to this day. Oh! if you could only think what I have +suffered from a similar circumstance. Two or three years ago, in New +York, with that Society there which is made up of people from all British +Colonies, and from Great Britain generally, who were educated in British +colleges and. British schools, I was there to respond to a toast of some +kind or other, and I did then what I have been in the habit of doing, +from a selfish motive, for a long time, and that is, I got myself placed +No, 3 in the list of speakers--then you get home early. + +I had to go five miles up-river, and had to catch a, particular train or +not get there. But see the magnanimity which is born in me, which I have +cultivated all my life. A very famous and very great British clergyman +came to me presently, and he said: "I am away down in the list; I have +got to catch a certain train this Saturday night; if I don't catch that +train I shall be carried beyond midnight and break the Sabbath. Won't +you change places with me?" I said: "Certainly I will." I did it at +once. Now, see what happened. + +Talk about Sir Mortimer Durand's sufferings for a single night! I have +suffered ever since because I saved that gentleman from breaking the +Sabbath-yes, saved him. I took his place, but I lost my train, and it +was I who broke the Sabbath. Up to that time I never had broken the +Sabbath in my life, and from that day to this I never have kept it. + +Oh! I am learning much here to-night. I find I didn't know anything +about the American Society--that is, I didn't know its chief virtue. +I didn't know its chief virtue until his Excellency our Ambassador +revealed it--I may say, exposed it. I was intending to go home on the +13th of this month, but I look upon that in a different light now. I am +going to stay here until the American Society pays my passage. + +Our Ambassador has spoken of our Fourth of July and the noise it makes. +We have got a double Fourth of July--a daylight Fourth and a midnight +Fourth. During the day in America, as our Ambassador has indicated, we +keep the Fourth of July properly in a reverent spirit. We devote it to +teaching our children patriotic things--reverence for the Declaration of +Independence. We honor the day all through the daylight hours, and when +night comes we dishonor it. Presently--before long--they are getting +nearly ready to begin now--on the Atlantic coast, when night shuts down, +that pandemonium will begin, and there will be noise, and noise, and +noise--all night long--and there will be more than noise there will be +people crippled, there will be people killed, there will be people who +will lose their eyes, and all through that permission which we give to +irresponsible boys to play with firearms and fire-crackers, and all sorts +of dangerous things: We turn that Fourth of July, alas! over to rowdies +to drink and get drunk and make the night hideous, and we cripple and +kill more people than you would imagine. + +We probably began to celebrate our Fourth-of-July night in that way one +hundred and twenty-five years ago, and on every Fourth-of-July night +since these horrors have grown and grown, until now, in our five thousand +towns of America, somebody gets killed or crippled on every Fourth-of- +July night, besides those cases of sick persons whom we never hear of, +who die as the result of the noise or the shock. They cripple and kill +more people on the Fourth of July in, America than they kill and cripple +in our wars nowadays, and there are no pensions for these folk. And, +too, we burn houses. Really we destroy more property on every Fourth-of- +July night than the whole of the United States was worth one hundred and +twenty-five years ago. Really our Fourth of July is our day of mourning, +our day of sorrow. Fifty thousand people who have lost friends, or who +have had friends crippled, receive that Fourth of July, when it comes, as +a day of mourning for the losses they have sustained in their families. + +I have suffered in that way myself. I have had relatives killed in that +way. One was in Chicago years ago--an uncle of mine, just as good an +uncle as I have ever had, and I had lots of them--yes, uncles to burn, +uncles to spare. This poor uncle, full of patriotism, opened his mouth +to hurrah, and a rocket went down his throat. Before that man could ask +for a drink of water to quench that thing, it blew up and scattered him +all, over the forty-five States, and--really, now, this is true--I know +about it myself--twenty-four hours after that it was raining buttons, +recognizable as his, on the Atlantic seaboard. A person cannot have a +disaster like that and be entirely cheerful the rest of his life. I had +another uncle, on an entirely different Fourth of July, who was blown up +that way, and really it trimmed him as it would a tree. He had hardly a +limb left on him anywhere. All we have left now is an expurgated edition +of that uncle. But never mind about these things; they are merely +passing matters. Don't let me make you sad. + +Sir Mortimer Durand said that you, the English people, gave up your +colonies over there--got tired of them--and did it with reluctance. +Now I wish you just to consider that he was right about that, and that he +had his reasons for saying that England did not look upon our Revolution +as a foreign war, but as a civil war fought by Englishmen. + +Our Fourth of July which we honor so much, and which we love so much, and +which we take so much pride in, is an English institution, not an +American one, and it comes of a great ancestry. The first Fourth of July +in that noble genealogy dates back seven centuries lacking eight years. +That is the day of the Great Charter--the Magna Charta--which was born at +Runnymede in the next to the last year of King John, and portions of the +liberties secured thus by those hardy Barons from that reluctant King +John are a part of our Declaration of Independence, of our Fourth of +July, of our American liberties. And the second of those Fourths of July +was not born, until four centuries later, in, Charles the First's time, +in the Bill of Rights, and that is ours, that is part of our liberties. +The next one was still English, in New England, where they established +that principle which remains with us to this day, and will continue to +remain with us--no taxation without representation. That is always going +to stand, and that the English Colonies in New England gave us. + +The Fourth of July, and the one which you are celebrating now, born, in +Philadelphia on the 4th of July, 1776--that is English, too. It is not +American. Those were English colonists, subjects of King George III., +Englishmen at heart, who protested against the oppressions of the Home +Government. Though they proposed to cure those oppressions and remove +them, still remaining under the Crown, they were not intending a +revolution. The revolution was brought about by circumstances which they +could not control. The Declaration of Independence was written by a +British subject, every name signed to it was the name of a British +subject. There was not the name of a single American attached to the +Declaration of Independence--in fact, there was not an American in the +country in that day except the Indians out on the plains. They were +Englishmen, all Englishmen--Americans did not begin until seven, years +later, when that Fourth of July had become seven years old, and then, the +American Republic was established. Since then, there have been +Americans. So you see what we owe to England in the matter of liberties. + +We have, however, one Fourth of July which is absolutely our own, and +that is that great proclamation issued forty years ago by that great +American to whom Sir Mortimer Durand paid that just and beautiful +tribute--Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln's proclamation, which not only set the +black slaves free, but set the white man free also. The owner was set +free from the burden and offence, that sad condition of things where he +was in so many instances a master and owner of slaves when he did not +want to be. That proclamation set them all free. But even in this +matter England suggested it, for England had set her slaves free thirty +years before, and we followed her example. We always followed her +example, whether it was good or bad. + +And it was an English judge that issued that other great proclamation, +and established that great principle that, when a slave, let him belong +to whom he may, and let him come whence he may, sets his foot upon +English soil, his fetters by that act fall away and he is a free man +before the world. We followed the example of 1833, and we freed our +slaves as I have said. + +It is true, then, that all our Fourths of July, and we have five of them, +England gave to us, except that one that I have mentioned--the +Emancipation Proclamation, and, lest we forget, let us all remember that +we owe these things to England. Let us be able to say to Old England, +this great-hearted, venerable old mother of the race, you gave us our +Fourths of July that we love and that we honor and revere, you gave us +the Declaration of Independence, which is the Charter of our rights, you, +the venerable Mother of Liberties, the Protector of Anglo-Saxon Freedom- +you gave us these things, and we do most honestly thank you for them. + + + + + + +AMERICANS AND THE ENGLISH + + ADDRESS AT A GATHERING OF AMERICANS IN LONDON, JULY 4, 1872 + +MR. CHAIRMAN AND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,--I thank you for the compliment +which has just been tendered me, and to show my appreciation of it I will +not afflict you with many words. It is pleasant to celebrate in this +peaceful way, upon this old mother soil, the anniversary of an experiment +which was born of war with this same land so long ago, and wrought out to +a successful issue by the devotion of our ancestors. It has taken nearly +a hundred years to bring the English and Americans into kindly and +mutually appreciative relations, but I believe it has been accomplished +at last. It was a great step when the two last misunderstandings were +settled by arbitration instead of cannon. It is another great step when +England adopts our sewing-machines without claiming the invention--as +usual. It was another when they imported one of our sleeping-cars the +other day. And it warmed my heart more than, I can tell, yesterday, when +I witnessed the spectacle of an Englishman, ordering an American sherry +cobbler of his own free will and accord--and not only that but with a +great brain and a level head reminding the barkeeper not to forget the +strawberries. With a common origin, a common language, a common +literature, a common religion, and--common drinks, what is longer needful +to the cementing of the two nations together in a permanent bond of +brotherhood? + +This is an age of progress, and ours is a progressive land. A great and +glorious land, too--a land which has developed a Washington, a Franklin, +a Wm. M. Tweed, a Longfellow, a Motley, a Jay Gould, a Samuel C. +Pomeroy, a recent Congress which has never had its equal (in some +respects), and a United States Army which conquered sixty Indians in +eight months by tiring them out which is much better than uncivilized +slaughter, God knows. We have a criminal jury system which is superior +to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty +of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read. +And I may observe that we have an insanity plea that would have saved +Cain. I think I can say, and say with pride, that we have some +legislatures that bring higher prices than any in the world. + +I refer with effusion to our railway system, which consents to let us +live, though it might do the opposite, being our owners. It only +destroyed three thousand and seventy lives last year by collisions, and +twenty-seven thousand two hundred and sixty by running over heedless and +unnecessary people at crossings. The companies seriously regretted the +killing of these thirty thousand people, and went so far as to pay for +some of them--voluntarily, of course, for the meanest of us would not +claim that we possess a court treacherous enough to enforce a law against +a railway company. But, thank Heaven, the railway companies are +generally disposed to do the right and kindly thing without--compulsion. +I know of an instance which greatly touched me at the time. After an +accident the company sent home the remains of a dear distant old relative +of mine in a basket, with the remark, "Please state what figure you hold +him at--and return the basket." Now there couldn't be anything +friendlier than that. + +But I must not stand here and brag all night. However, you won't mind a +body bragging a little about his country on the Fourth of July. It is a +fair and legitimate time to fly the eagle. I will say only one more word +of brag--and a hopeful one. It is this. We have a form of government +which gives each man a fair chance and no favor. With us no individual +is born with a right to look down upon his neighbor and hold him in +contempt. Let such of us as are not dukes find our consolation in that. +And we may find hope for the future in the fact that as unhappy as is the +condition of our political morality to-day, England has risen up out of a +far fouler since the days when Charles I. ennobled courtesans and all +political place was a matter of bargain and sale. There is hope for us +yet.* + + *At least the above is the speech which I was going to make, + but our minister, General Schenck, presided, and after the + blessing, got up and made a great, long, inconceivably dull + harangue, and wound up by saying that inasmuch as speech-making + did not seem to exhilarate the guests much, all further oratory + would be dispensed with during the evening, and we could just + sit and talk privately to our elbow-neighbors and have a good, + sociable time. It is known that in consequence of that remark + forty-four perfected speeches died in the womb. The + depression, the gloom, the solemnity that reigned over the + banquet from that time forth will be a lasting memory with many + that were there. By that one thoughtless remark General + Schenck lost forty-four of the best friends he had in England. + More than one said that night: "And this is the sort of person + that is sent to represent us in a great sister empire!" + + + + + + +ABOUT LONDON + + ADDRESS AT A DINNER GIVEN BY THE SAVAGE CLUB, + LONDON, SEPTEMBER 28, 1872. + + Reported by Moncure D. Conway in the Cincinnati Commercial. + +It affords me sincere pleasure to meet this distinguished club, a club +which has extended its hospitalities and its cordial welcome to so many +of my countrymen. I hope [and here the speaker's voice became low and +fluttering] you will excuse these clothes. I am going to the theatre; +that will explain these clothes. I have other clothes than these. +Judging human nature by what I have seen of it, I suppose that the +customary thing for a stranger to do when he stands here is to make a pun +on the name of this club, under the impression, of course, that he is the +first man that that idea has occurred to. It is a credit to our human +nature, not a blemish upon it; for it shows that underlying all our +depravity (and God knows and you know we are depraved enough) and all our +sophistication, and untarnished by them, there is a sweet germ of +innocence and simplicity still. When a stranger says to me, with a glow +of inspiration in his eye, some gentle, innocuous little thing about +"Twain and one flesh," and all that sort of thing, I don't try to crush +that man into the earth--no. I feel like saying: "Let me take you by the +hand, sir; let me embrace you; I have not heard that pun for weeks." +We will deal in palpable puns. We will call parties named King "Your +Majesty," and we will say to the Smiths that we think we have heard that +name before somewhere. Such is human nature. We cannot alter this. +It is God that made us so for some good and wise purpose. Let us not +repine. But though I may seem strange, may seem eccentric, I mean to +refrain from punning upon the name of this club, though I could make a +very good one if I had time to think about it--a week. + +I cannot express to you what entire enjoyment I find in this first visit +to this prodigious metropolis of yours. Its wonders seem to me to be +limitless. I go about as in a dream--as in a realm of enchantment--where +many things are rare and beautiful, and all things are strange and +marvellous. Hour after hour I stand--I stand spellbound, as it were--and +gaze upon the statuary in Leicester Square. [Leicester Square being a +horrible chaos, with the relic of an equestrian statue in the centre, the +king being headless and limbless, and the horse in little better +condition.] I visit the mortuary effigies of noble old Henry VIII., and +Judge Jeffreys, and the preserved gorilla, and try to make up my mind +which of my ancestors I admire the most. I go to that matchless Hyde +Park and drive all around it, and then I start to enter it at the Marble +Arch---and--am induced to "change my mind." [Cabs are not permitted in +Hyde Park--nothing less aristocratic than a private carriage.] It is a +great benefaction--is Hyde Park. There, in his hansom cab, the invalid +can go--the poor, sad child of misfortune--and insert his nose between +the railings, and breathe the pure, health--giving air of the country and +of heaven. And if he is a swell invalid, who isn't obliged to depend +upon parks for his country air, he can drive inside--if he owns his +vehicle. I drive round and round Hyde Park, and the more I see of the +edges of it the more grateful I am that the margin is extensive. + +And I have been to the Zoological Gardens. What a wonderful place that +is! I never have seen such a curious and interesting variety of wild +animals in any garden before--except "Mabilie." I never believed before +there were so many different kinds of animals in the world as you can +find there--and I don't believe it yet. I have been to the British +Museum. I would advise you to drop in there some time when you have +nothing to do for--five minutes--if you have never been there: It seems +to me the noblest monument that this nation has yet erected to her +greatness. I say to her, our greatness--as a nation. True, she has +built other monuments, and stately ones, as well; but these she has +uplifted in honor of two or three colossal demigods who have stalked +across the world's stage, destroying tyrants and delivering nations, and +whose prodigies will still live in the memories of men ages after their +monuments shall have crumbled to dust--I refer to the Wellington and +Nelson monuments, and--the Albert memorial. [Sarcasm. The Albert +memorial is the finest monument in the world, and celebrates the +existence of as commonplace a person as good luck ever lifted out of +obscurity.] + +The library at the British Museum I find particularly astounding. +I have read there hours together, and hardly made an impression on it. +I revere that library. It is the author's friend. I don't care how mean +a book is, it always takes one copy. [A copy of every book printed in +Great Britain must by law be sent to the British Museum, a law much +complained of by publishers.] And then every day that author goes there +to gaze at that book, and is encouraged to go on in the good work. +And what a touching sight it is of a Saturday afternoon to see the poor, +careworn clergymen gathered together in that vast reading--room cabbaging +sermons for Sunday. You will pardon my referring to these things. + +Everything in this monster city interests me, and I cannot keep from +talking, even at the risk of being instructive. People here seem always +to express distances by parables. To a stranger it is just a little +confusing to be so parabolic--so to speak. I collar a citizen, and I +think I am going to get some valuable information out of him. I ask him +how far it is to Birmingham, and he says it is twenty-one shillings and +sixpence. Now we know that doesn't help a man who is trying to learn. +I find myself down-town somewhere, and I want to get some sort of idea +where I am--being usually lost when alone--and I stop a citizen and say: +"How far is it to Charing Cross?" "Shilling fare in a cab," and off he +goes. I suppose if I were to ask a Londoner how far it, is from the +sublime to the ridiculous, he would try to express it in coin. But I am +trespassing upon your time with these geological statistics and +historical reflections. I will not longer keep you from your orgies. +'Tis a real pleasure for me to be here, and I thank you for it. The name +of the Savage Club is associated in my mind with the kindly interest and +the friendly offices which you lavished upon an old friend of mine who +came among you a stranger, and you opened your English hearts to him and +gave him welcome and a home--Artemus Ward. Asking that you will join me, +I give you his memory. + + + + + + +PRINCETON + + Mr. Clemens spent several days in May, 1901, in Princeton, New + Jersey, as the guest of Lawrence Hutton. He gave a reading one + evening before a large audience composed of university students + and professors. Before the reading Mr. Clemens said: + +I feel exceedingly surreptitious in coming down here without an +announcement of any kind. I do not want to see any advertisements +around, for the reason that I'm not a lecturer any longer. I reformed +long ago, and I break over and commit this sin only just one time this +year: and that is moderate, I think, for a person of my disposition. It +is not my purpose to lecture any more as long as I live. I never intend +to stand up on a platform any more--unless by the request of a sheriff or +something like that. + + + + + + +THE ST. LOUIS HARBOR-BOAT "MARK TWAIN" + + The Countess de Rochambeau christened the St. Louis harbor-boat + 'Mark Twain' in honor of Mr. Clemens, June 6, 1902. Just + before the luncheon he acted as pilot. + + "Lower away lead!" boomed out the voice of the pilot. + + "Mark twain, quarter five and one-half-six feet!" replied the + leadsman below. + + "You are all dead safe as long as I have the wheel--but this is + my last time at the wheel." + + At the luncheon Mr. Clemens made a short address. + +First of all, no--second of all--I wish to offer my thanks for the honor +done me by naming this last rose of summer of the Mississippi Valley for +me, this boat which represents a perished interest, which I fortified +long ago, but did not save its life. And, in the first place, I wish to +thank the Countess de Rochambeau for the honor she has done me in +presiding at this christening. + +I believe that it is peculiarly appropriate that I should be allowed the +privilege of joining my voice with the general voice of St. Louis and +Missouri in welcoming to the Mississippi Valley and this part of the +continent these illustrious visitors from France. + +When La Salle came down this river a century and a quarter ago there was +nothing on its banks but savages. He opened up this great river, and by +his simple act was gathered in this great Louisiana territory. I would +have done it myself for half the money. + + + + + + +SEVENTIETH BIRTHDAY + + ADDRESS AT A DINNER GIVEN BY COLONEL GEORGE HARVEY AT + DELMONICO'S, DECEMBER 5, 1905, TO CELEBRATE THE SEVENTIETH + ANNIVERSARY OF MR. CLEMENS' BIRTH + + Mr. Howells introduced Mr. Clemens: + + "Now, ladies and gentlemen, and Colonel Harvey, I will try not + to be greedy on your behalf in wishing the health of our + honored and, in view of his great age, our revered guest. I + will not say, 'Oh King, live forever!' but 'Oh King, live as + long as you like!'" [Amid great applause and waving of napkins + all rise and drink to Mark Twain.] + +Well, if I made that joke, it is the best one I ever made, and it is in +the prettiest language, too.--I never can get quite to that height. But +I appreciate that joke, and I shall remember it--and I shall use it when +occasion requires. + +I have had a great many birthdays in my time. I remember the first one +very well, and I always think of it with indignation; everything was so +crude, unaesthetic, primeval. Nothing like this at all. No proper +appreciative preparation made; nothing really ready. Now, for a person +born with high and delicate instincts--why, even the cradle wasn't +whitewashed--nothing ready at all. I hadn't any hair, I hadn't any +teeth, I hadn't any clothes, I had to go to my first banquet just like +that. Well, everybody came swarming in. It was the merest little bit of +a village--hardly that, just a little hamlet, in the backwoods of +Missouri, where nothing ever happened, and the people were all +interested, and they all came; they looked me over to see if there was +anything fresh in my line. Why, nothing ever happened in that village-- +I--why, I was the only thing that had really happened there for months +and months and months; and although I say it myself that shouldn't, I +came the nearest to being a real event that had happened in that village +in more than, two years. Well, those people came, they came with that +curiosity which is so provincial, with that frankness which also is so +provincial, and they examined me all around and gave their opinion. +Nobody asked them, and I shouldn't have minded if anybody had paid me a +compliment, but nobody did. Their opinions were all just green with +prejudice, and I feel those opinions to this day. Well, I stood that as +long as--well, you know I was born courteous, and I stood it to the +limit. I stood it an hour, and then the worm turned. I was the warm; it +was my turn to turn, and I turned. I knew very well the strength of my +position; I knew that I was the only spotlessly pure and innocent person +in that whole town, and I came out and said so: And they could not say a +word. It was so true: They blushed; they were embarrassed. Well, that +was the first after-dinner speech I ever made: I think it was after +dinner. + +It's a long stretch between that first birthday speech and this one. +That was my cradle-song; and this is my swan-song, I suppose. I am used +to swan-songs; I have sung them several, times. + +This is my seventieth birthday, and I wonder if you all rise to the size +of that proposition, realizing all the significance of that phrase, +seventieth birthday. + +The seventieth birthday! It is the time of life when you arrive at a new +and awful dignity; when you may throw aside the decent reserves which +have oppressed you for a generation and stand unafraid and unabashed upon +your seven-terraced summit and look down and teach--unrebuked. You can +tell the world how you got there. It is what they all do. You shall +never get tired of telling by what delicate arts and deep moralities you +climbed up to that great place. You will explain the process and dwell +on the particulars with senile rapture. I have been anxious to explain +my own system this long time, and now at last I have the right. + +I have achieved my seventy years in the usual way: by sticking strictly +to a scheme of life which would kill anybody else. It sounds like an +exaggeration, but that is really the common rule for attaining to old +age. When we examine the programme of any of these garrulous old people +we always find that the habits which have preserved them would have +decayed us; that the way of life which enabled them to live upon the +property of their heirs so long, as Mr. Choate says, would have put us +out of commission ahead of time. I will offer here, as a sound maxim, +this: That we can't reach old age by another man's road. + +I will now teach, offering my way of life to whomsoever desires to commit +suicide by the scheme which has enabled me to beat the doctor and the +hangman for seventy years. Some of the details may sound untrue, but +they are not. I am not here to deceive; I am here to teach. + +We have no permanent habits until we are forty. Then they begin to +harden, presently they petrify, then business begins. Since forty I have +been regular about going to bed and getting up--and that is one of the +main things. I have made it a rule to go to bed when there wasn't +anybody left to sit up with; and I have made it a rule to get up when I +had to. This has resulted in an unswerving regularity of irregularity. +It has saved me sound, but it would injure another person. + +In the matter of diet--which is another main thing--I have been +persistently strict in sticking to the things which didn't agree with me +until one or the other of us got the best of it. Until lately I got the +best of it myself. But last spring I stopped frolicking with mince-pie +after midnight; up to then I had always believed it wasn't loaded. For +thirty years I have taken coffee and bread at eight in the morning, and +no bite nor sup until seven-thirty in the evening. Eleven hours. That +is all right for me, and is wholesome, because I have never had a +headache in my life, but headachy people would not reach seventy +comfortably by that road, and they would be foolish to try it. And I +wish to urge upon you this--which I think is wisdom--that if you find you +can't make seventy by any but an uncomfortable road, don't you go. When +they take off the Pullman and retire you to the rancid smoker, put on +your things, count your checks, and get out at the first way station +where there's a cemetery. + +I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time. +I have no other restriction as regards smoking. I do not know just when +I began to smoke, I only know that it was in my father's lifetime, and +that I was discreet. He passed from this life early in 1847, when I was +a shade past eleven; ever since then I have smoked publicly. As an +example to others, and--not that I care for moderation myself, it has +always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain when +awake. It is a good rule. I mean, for me; but some of you know quite +well that it wouldn't answer for everybody that's trying to get to be +seventy. + +I smoke in bed until I have to go to sleep; I wake up in the night, +sometimes once, sometimes twice; sometimes three times, and I never waste +any of these opportunities to smoke. This habit is so old and dear and +precious to me that I would feel as you, sir, would feel if you should +lose the only moral you've got--meaning the chairman--if you've got one: +I am making no charges: I will grant, here, that I have stopped smoking +now and then, for a few months at a time, but it was not on principle, it +was only to show off; it was to pulverize those critics who said I was a +slave to my habits and couldn't break my bonds. + +To-day it is all of sixty years since I began to smoke the limit. I have +never bought cigars with life-belts around them. I early found that +those were too expensive for me: I have always bought cheap cigars-- +reasonably cheap, at any rate. Sixty years ago they cost me four dollars +a barrel, but my taste has improved, latterly, and I pay seven, now. Six +or seven. Seven, I think. Yes; it's seven. But that includes the +barrel. I often have smoking-parties at my house; but the people that +come have always just taken the pledge. I wonder why that is? + +As for drinking, I have no rule about that. When the others drink I +like to help; otherwise I remain dry, by habit and preference. This +dryness does not hurt me, but it could easily hurt you, because you are +different. You let it alone. + +Since I was seven years old I have seldom take, a dose of medicine, and +have still seldomer needed one. But up to seven I lived exclusively on +allopathic medicines. Not that I needed them, for I don't think I did; +it was for economy; my father took a drug-store for a debt, and it made +cod-liver oil cheaper than the other breakfast foods. We had nine +barrels of it, and it lasted me seven years. Then I was weaned. The +rest of the family had to get along with rhubarb and ipecac and such +things, because I was the pet. I was the first Standard Oil Trust. +I had it all. By the time the drugstore was exhausted my health was +established, and there has never been much the matter with me since. +But you know very well it would be foolish for the average child to start +for seventy on that basis. It happened to be just the thing for me, +but that was merely an accident; it couldn't happen again in a century. + +I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never +intend to take any. Exercise is loathsome. And it cannot be any benefit +when you are tired; and I was always tired. But let another person try +my way, and see where he will come out. I desire now to repeat and +emphasise that maxim: We can't reach old age by another man's road. My +habits protect my life, but they would assassinate you. + +I have lived a severely moral life. But it would be a mistake for other +people to try that, or for me to recommend it. Very few would succeed: +you have to have a perfectly colossal stock of morals; and you can't get +them on a margin; you have to have the whole thing, and put them in your +box. Morals are an acquirement--like music, like a foreign language, +like piety, poker, paralysis--no man is born with them. I wasn't myself, +I started poor. I hadn't a single moral. There is hardly a man in this +house that is poorer than I was then. Yes, I started like that--the +world before me, not a moral in the slot. Not even an insurance moral. +I can remember the first one I ever got. I can remember the landscape, +the weather, the--I can remember how everything looked. It was an old +moral, an old second-hand moral, all out of repair, and didn't fit, +anyway. But if you are careful with a thing like that, and keep it in a +dry place, and save it for processions, and Chautauquas, and World's +Fairs, and so on, and disinfect it now and then, and give it a fresh coat +of whitewash once in a while, you will be surprised to see how well she +will last and how long she will keep sweet, or at least inoffensive. +When I got that mouldy old moral, she had stopped growing, because she +hadn't any exercise; but I worked her hard, I worked her Sundays and all. +Under this cultivation she waxed in might and stature beyond belief, and +served me well and was my pride and joy for sixty-three years; then she +got to associating with insurance presidents, and lost flesh and +character, and was a sorrow to look at and no longer competent for +business. She was a great loss to me. Yet not all loss. I sold her-- +ah, pathetic skeleton, as she was--I sold her to Leopold, the pirate King +of Belgium; he sold her to our Metropolitan Museum, and it was very glad +to get her, for without a rag on, she stands 57 feet long and 16 feet +high, and they think she's a brontosaur. Well, she looks it. They +believe it will take nineteen geological periods to breed her match. + +Morals are of inestimable value, for every man is born crammed with sin +microbes, and the only thing that can extirpate these sin microbes is +morals. Now you take a sterilized Christian--I mean, you take the +sterilized Christian, for there's only one. Dear sir, I wish you +wouldn't look at me like that. + +Threescore years and ten! + +It is the Scriptural statute of limitations. After that, you owe no +active duties; for you the strenuous life is over. You are a time- +expired man, to use Kipling's military phrase: You have served your term, +well or less well, and you are mustered out. You are become an honorary +member of the republic, you are emancipated, compulsions are not for you, +nor any bugle-tail but "lights out." You pay the time-worn duty bills if +you choose, or decline if you prefer--and without prejudice--for they are +not legally collectable. + +The previous-engagement plea, which in forty years has cost you so many +tinges, you cam lay aside forever; on this side of the grave you will +never need it again. If you shrink at thought of night, and winter, and +the late home-coming from the banquet and the lights and the laughter +through the deserted streets--a desolation which would not remind you +now, as for a generation it did, that your friends are sleeping, and you +must creep in a-tiptoe and not disturb them, but would only remind you +that you need not tiptoe, you can never disturb them more--if you shrink +at thought of these things, you need only reply, "Your invitation honors +me, and pleases me because you still keep me in your remembrance, but I +am seventy; seventy, and would nestle in the chimney-corner, and smoke my +pipe, and read my book, and take my rest, wishing you well in all +affection; and that when you in your return shall arrive at pier No. 70 +you may step aboard your waiting ship with a reconciled spirit, and lay +your course toward the sinking sun with a contented heart." + + + + +End of this Project Gutenberg Etext of Mark Twain's Speeches +by Mark Twain + diff --git a/old/mtmts11.zip b/old/mtmts11.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..38ed5aa --- /dev/null +++ b/old/mtmts11.zip |