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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Constant Couple, by George Farquhar, et al
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: The Constant Couple
+       or, A Trip to the Jubilee
+
+
+Author: George Farquhar
+
+
+
+Release Date: May 18, 2010  [eBook #32419]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CONSTANT COUPLE***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Delphine Lettau and the Project Gutenberg Online
+Distributed Proofreading Canada Team (http://www.pgdpcanada.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
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+      See 32419-h.htm or 32419-h.zip:
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+
+
+
+
+
+THE CONSTANT COUPLE;
+
+Or,
+
+A Trip to the Jubilee;
+
+A Comedy, in Five Acts;
+
+by
+
+GEORGE FARQUHAR, ESQ.
+
+As Performed at the Theatres Royal,
+Drury Lane and Covent Garden.
+
+Printed Under the Authority of the Managers
+from the Prompt Book.
+
+With remarks by Mrs. Inchbald.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+London:
+Printed for Longman, Hurst, Rees, and Orme,
+Paternoster Row.
+
+William Savage, Printer,
+London.
+
+
+
+
+REMARKS.
+
+
+George Farquhar, the author of this comedy, was the son of a clergyman
+in the north of Ireland. He was born in the year 1678, discovered an
+early taste for literature, and wrote poetic stanzas at ten years of
+age.
+
+In 1694 he was sent to Trinity College, Dublin, and there made such
+progress in his studies as to acquire considerable reputation. But he
+was volatile and poor--the first misfortune led him to expense; the
+second, to devise means how to support his extravagance.
+
+The theatre has peculiar charms for men of letters. Whether as a subject
+of admiration or animadversion, it is still a source of high amusement;
+and here Farquhar fixed his choice of a profession, in the united
+expectations of pleasure and of profit--he appeared on the stage as an
+actor, and was disappointed of both.
+
+The author of this licentious comedy is said to have possessed the
+advantages of person, manners, and elocution, to qualify him for an
+actor; but that he could never overcome his natural timidity. Courage
+is a whimsical virtue. It acts upon one man so as to make him expose
+his whole body to danger, whilst he dares not venture into the
+slightest peril one sentiment of his mind. Such is often the soldier's
+valour.--Another trembles to expose his person either to a wound or to
+the eye of criticism, and yet will dare to publish every thought that
+ever found entrance into his imagination. Such is often the valour of a
+poet.
+
+Farquhar, abashed on exhibiting his person upon the stage, sent boldly
+thither his most indecorous thoughts, and was rewarded for his audacity.
+
+In the year 1700 he brought out this comedy of "The Constant Couple; or,
+A Trip to the Jubilee." It was then the Jubilee year at Rome, and the
+author took advantage of that occurrence to render the title of his
+drama popular; for which cause alone it must be supposed he made any
+thing in his play refer to that festival, as no one material point is in
+any shape connected with it.
+
+At the time Farquhar was a performer, a sincere friendship was formed
+between him and Wilks, the celebrated fine gentleman of the stage--for
+him, Farquhar wrote the character of Sir Harry Wildair; and Wilks, by
+the very admirable manner in which he supported the part, divided with
+the author those honours which the first appearance of the work obtained
+him.
+
+As a proof that this famed actor's abilities, in the representation of
+the fine gentlemen of his day, were not over-rated, no actor, since he
+quitted the stage, has been wholly successful in the performance of this
+character; and, from Wilks down to the present time, the part has only
+been supported, with celebrity, by women.
+
+The noted Mrs. Woffington was highly extolled in Sir Harry; and Mrs.
+Jordan has been no less admired and attractive.
+
+But it must be considered as a disgrace to the memory of the men of
+fashion, of the period in which Wildair was brought on the stage, that
+he has ever since been justly personated, by no other than the female
+sex. In this particular, at least, the present race of fashionable
+beaux cannot be said to have degenerated; for, happily, they can be
+represented by men.
+
+The love story of Standard and Lurewell, in this play, is interesting to
+the reader, though, in action, an audience scarcely think of either of
+them; or of any one in the drama, with whom the hero is not positively
+concerned. Yet these two lovers, it would seem, love with all the
+usual ardour and constancy of gallants and mistresses in plays and
+novels--unfortunately, with the same short memories too! Authors, and
+some who do not generally deal in wonders, often make persons, the most
+tenderly attached to each other, so easily forget the shape, the air,
+the every feature of the dear beloved, as to pass, after a few years
+separation, whole days together, without the least conjecture that each
+is the very object of the other's search! Whilst all this surprising
+forgetfulness possesses them, as to the figure, face, and mind of him or
+her whom they still adore, show either of them but a ring, a bracelet,
+a mole, a scar, and here remembrance instantly occupies its place,
+and both are immediately inspired with every sensation which first
+testified their mutual passion. Still the sober critic must arraign the
+strength of this love with the shortness of its recollection; and charge
+the renewal of affection for objects that no longer appear the same, to
+fickleness rather than to constancy.
+
+The biographers of Farquhar, who differ in some articles concerning him,
+all agree that he was married, in the year 1704, to a lady, who was so
+violently in love with him, that, despairing to win him by her own
+attractions, she contrived a vast scheme of imposition, by which she
+allured him into wedlock, with the full conviction that he had married a
+woman of immense fortune.
+
+The same biographers all bestow the highest praise upon poor Farquhar
+for having treated this wife with kindness; humanely forgiving the fault
+which had deprived him of that liberty he was known peculiarly to prize,
+and reduced him to the utmost poverty, in order to support her and her
+children.
+
+This woman, whose pretended love was of such fatal import to its object,
+not long enjoyed her selfish happiness--her husband's health gradually
+declined, and he died four years after his marriage. It is related that
+he met death with fortitude and cheerfulness. He could scarcely do
+otherwise, when life had become a burden to him. He had, however, some
+objects of affection to leave behind, as appears by the following
+letter, which he wrote a few days before his decease, and directed to
+his friend Wilks:--
+
+"DEAR BOB,
+
+"I have not any thing to leave you to perpetuate my memory, except two
+helpless girls; look upon them sometimes, and think of him that was, to
+the last moment of his life, thine,
+
+                                                    "GEORGE FARQUHAR."
+
+Wilks protected the children--their mother died in extreme indigence.
+
+
+
+
+DRAMATIS PERSONĆ.
+
+                     DRURY LANE.              COVENT GARDEN.
+
+ SIR HARRY WILDAIR   _Mr. Elliston._          _Mr. Lewis._
+ ALDERM. SMUGGLER    _Mr. Dowton._            _Mr. Quick._
+ COLONEL STANDARD    _Mr. Barrymore._         _Mr. Farren._
+ CLINCHER, JUN.      _Mr. Collins._           _Mr. Blanchard._
+ BEAU CLINCHER       _Mr. Bannister._         _Mr. Cubitt._
+ VIZARD              _Mr. Holland._           _Mr. Macready._
+ TOM ERRAND          _Mr. Wewitzer._          _Mr. Powell._
+ DICKY               _Mr. Purser._            _Mr. Simmons._
+ CONSTABLE           _Mr. Maddocks._          _Mr. Thompson._
+ SERVANTS            _Mr. Fisher, &c._
+
+ LADY LUREWELL       _Mrs. Powell._           _Miss Chapman._
+ LADY DARLING        _Miss Tidswell._         _Miss Platt._
+ ANGELICA            _Miss Mellon._           _Mrs. Mountain._
+ PARLY               _Mrs. Scott._            _Miss Stuart._
+ TOM ERRAND'S WIFE   _Mrs. Maddocks._
+
+ _SCENE--London._
+
+
+
+
+THE
+CONSTANT COUPLE.
+
+
+
+
+ACT THE FIRST.
+
+
+SCENE I
+
+_The Park_
+
+_Enter_ VIZARD _with a Letter, his_ SERVANT _following_.
+
+
+_Vizard._ Angelica send it back unopened! say you?
+
+_Serv._ As you see, sir?
+
+_Vizard._ The pride of these virtuous women is more insufferable than
+the immodesty of prostitutes--After all my encouragement, to slight me
+thus!
+
+_Serv._ She said, sir, that imagining your morals sincere, she gave you
+access to her conversation; but that your late behaviour in her company
+has convinced her that your love and religion are both hypocrisy, and
+that she believes your letter, like yourself, fair on the outside, and
+foul within; so sent it back unopened.
+
+_Vizard._ May obstinacy guard her beauty till wrinkles bury it.--I'll be
+revenged the very first opportunity.----Saw you the old Lady Darling,
+her mother?
+
+_Serv._ Yes, sir, and she was pleased to say much in your commendation.
+
+_Vizard._ That's my cue----An esteem grafted in old age is hardly rooted
+out; years stiffen their opinions with their bodies, and old zeal is
+only to be cozened by young hypocrisy. [_Aside._] Run to the Lady
+Lurewell's, and know of her maid whether her ladyship will be at home
+this evening. Her beauty is sufficient cure for Angelica's scorn.
+
+     [_Exit_ SERVANT. VIZARD _pulls out a Book, reads, and walks about_.
+
+_Enter_ SMUGGLER.
+
+_Smug._ Ay, there's a pattern for the young men o' th' times; at his
+meditation so early; some book of pious ejaculations, I'm sure.
+
+_Vizard._ This Hobbes is an excellent fellow! [_Aside._] Oh, uncle
+Smuggler! To find you at this end o' th' town is a miracle.
+
+_Smug._ I have seen a miracle this morning indeed, cousin Vizard.
+
+_Vizard._ What is it, pray, sir?
+
+_Smug._ A man at his devotion so near the court--I'm very glad, boy,
+that you keep your sanctity untainted in this infectious place; the very
+air of this park is heathenish, and every man's breath I meet scents of
+atheism.
+
+_Vizard._ Surely, sir, some great concern must bring you to this
+unsanctified end of the town.
+
+_Smug._ A very unsanctified concern, truly, cousin.
+
+_Vizard._ What is it?
+
+_Smug._ A lawsuit, boy--Shall I tell you?--My ship, the Swan, is newly
+arrived from St. Sebastian, laden with Portugal wines: now the impudent
+rogue of a tide-waiter has the face to affirm it is French wines in
+Spanish casks, and has indicted me upon the statute----Oh, conscience!
+conscience! these tide-waiters and surveyors plague us more than the
+war--Ay, there's another plague of the nation--
+
+_Enter_ COLONEL STANDARD.
+
+A red coat and cockade.
+
+_Vizard._ Colonel Standard, I'm your humble servant.
+
+_Colonel S._ May be not, sir.
+
+_Vizard._ Why so?
+
+_Colonel S._ Because----I'm disbanded.
+
+_Vizard._ How! Broke?
+
+_Colonel S._ This very morning, in Hyde-Park, my brave regiment, a
+thousand men, that looked like lions yesterday, were scattered, and
+looked as poor and simple as the herd of deer that grazed beside them.
+
+_Smug._ Tal, al deral. [_Singing._] I'll have a bonfire this night as
+high as the monument.
+
+_Colonel S._ A bonfire! Thou dry, withered, ill-nature; had not those
+brave fellows' swords defended you, your house had been a bonfire ere
+this, about your ears.----Did we not venture our lives, sir?
+
+_Smug._ And did we not pay for your lives, sir?--Venture your lives! I'm
+sure we ventured our money, and that's life and soul to me.----Sir,
+we'll maintain you no longer.
+
+_Colonel S._ Then your wives shall, old Actćon. There are five and
+thirty strapping officers gone this morning to live upon free quarter in
+the city.
+
+_Smug._ Oh, lord! oh, lord! I shall have a son within these nine months,
+born with a leading staff in his hand.----Sir, you are----
+
+_Colonel S._ What, sir?
+
+_Smug._ Sir, I say that you are----
+
+_Colonel S._ What, sir?
+
+_Smug._ Disbanded, sir, that's all----I see my lawyer yonder.   [_Exit._
+
+_Vizard._ Sir, I'm very sorry for your misfortune.
+
+_Colonel S._ Why so? I don't come to borrow money of you; if you're my
+friend, meet me this evening at the Rummer; I'll pay my foy, drink a
+health to my king, prosperity to my country, and away for Hungary
+to-morrow morning.
+
+_Vizard._ What! you won't leave us?
+
+_Colonel S._ What! a soldier stay here, to look like an old pair of
+colours in Westminster Hall, ragged and rusty! No, no----I met yesterday
+a broken lieutenant, he was ashamed to own that he wanted a dinner, but
+wanted to borrow eighteen pence of me to buy a new scabbard for his
+sword.
+
+_Vizard._ Oh, but you have good friends, colonel!
+
+_Colonel S._ Oh, very good friends! My father's a lord, and my elder
+brother, a beau; mighty good indeed!
+
+_Vizard._ But your country may, perhaps, want your sword again.
+
+_Colonel S._ Nay, for that matter, let but a single drum beat up for
+volunteers between Ludgate and Charing Cross, and I shall undoubtedly
+hear it at the walls of Buda.
+
+_Vizard._ Come, come, colonel, there are ways of making your fortune at
+home--Make your addresses to the fair; you're a man of honour and
+courage.
+
+_Colonel S._ Ay, my courage is like to do me wondrous service with the
+fair. This pretty cross cut over my eye will attract a duchess--I
+warrant 'twill be a mighty grace to my ogling--Had I used the stratagem
+of a certain brother colonel of mine, I might succeed.
+
+_Vizard._ What was it, pray?
+
+_Colonel S._ Why, to save his pretty face for the women, he always
+turned his back upon the enemy.--He was a man of honour for the ladies.
+
+_Vizard._ Come, come, the loves of Mars and Venus will never fail; you
+must get a mistress.
+
+_Colonel S._ Pr'ythee, no more on't--You have awakened a thought, from
+which, and the kingdom, I would have stolen away at once.----To be
+plain, I have a mistress.
+
+_Vizard._ And she's cruel?
+
+_Colonel S._ No.
+
+_Vizard._ Her parents prevent your happiness?
+
+_Colonel S._ Not that.
+
+_Vizard._ Then she has no fortune?
+
+_Colonel S._ A large one. Beauty to tempt all mankind, and virtue to
+beat off their assaults. Oh, Vizard! such a creature!
+
+_Enter_ SIR HARRY WILDAIR, _crosses the Stage singing, with_ FOOTMEN
+_after him_.
+
+Heyday! who the devil have we here?
+
+_Vizard._ The joy of the playhouse, and life of the park; Sir Harry
+Wildair, newly come from Paris.
+
+_Colonel S._ Sir Harry Wildair! Did not he go a volunteer some three or
+four years ago?
+
+_Vizard._ The same.
+
+_Colonel S._ Why, he behaved himself very bravely.
+
+_Vizard._ Why not? Dost think bravery and gaiety are inconsistent? He's
+a gentleman of most happy circumstances, born to a plentiful estate; has
+had a genteel and easy education, free from the rigidness of teachers,
+and pedantry of schools. His florid constitution being never ruffled by
+misfortune, nor stinted in its pleasures, has rendered him entertaining
+to others, and easy to himself. Turning all passion into gaiety of
+humour, by which he chuses rather to rejoice with his friends, than be
+hated by any; as you shall see.
+
+_Enter_ SIR HARRY WILDAIR.
+
+_Sir H._ Ha, Vizard!
+
+_Vizard._ Sir Harry!
+
+_Sir H._ Who thought to find you out of the Rubric so long? I thought
+thy hypocrisy had been wedded to a pulpit-cushion long ago.--Sir, if I
+mistake not your face, your name is Standard?
+
+_Colonel S._ Sir Harry, I'm your humble servant.
+
+_Sir H._ Come, gentlemen, the news, the news o' th' town, for I'm just
+arrived.
+
+_Vizard._ Why, in the city end o' th' town we're playing the knave, to
+get estates.
+
+_Colonel S._ And in the court end playing the fool, in spending them.
+
+_Sir H._ Just so in Paris. I'm glad we're grown so modish.
+
+_Vizard._ We are so reformed, that gallantry is taken for vice.
+
+_Colonel S._ And hypocrisy for religion.
+
+_Sir H._ A-la-mode de Paris again.
+
+_Vizard._ Nothing like an oath in the city.
+
+_Colonel S._ That's a mistake; for my major swore a hundred and fifty
+last night to a merchant's wife in her bed-chamber.
+
+_Sir H._ Pshaw! this is trifling; tell me news, gentlemen. What lord has
+lately broke his fortune at the clubs, or his heart at Newmarket, for
+the loss of a race? What wife has been lately suing in Doctor's-Commons
+for alimony: or what daughter run away with her father's valet? What
+beau gave the noblest ball at Bath, or had the gayest equipage in town?
+I want news, gentlemen.
+
+_Colonel S._ 'Faith, sir, these are no news at all.
+
+_Vizard._ But, pray, Sir Harry, tell us some news of your travels.
+
+_Sir H._ With all my heart.--You must know, then, I went over to
+Amsterdam in a Dutch ship. I went from thence to Landen, where I was
+heartily drubbed in battle, with the butt end of a Swiss musket. I
+thence went to Paris, where I had half a dozen intrigues, bought half a
+dozen new suits, fought a couple of duels, and here I am again _in statu
+quo_.
+
+_Vizard._ But we heard that you designed to make the tour of Italy: what
+brought you back so soon?
+
+_Sir H._ That which brought you into the world, and may perhaps carry
+you out of it;--a woman.
+
+_Colonel S._ What! quit the pleasures of travel for a woman?
+
+_Sir H._ Ay, colonel, for such a woman! I had rather see her _ruelle_
+than the palace of Louis le Grand. There's more glory in her smile, than
+in the jubilee at Rome! and I would rather kiss her hand than the Pope's
+toe.
+
+_Vizard._ You, colonel, have been very lavish in the beauty and virtue
+of your mistress; and Sir Harry here has been no less eloquent in the
+praise of his. Now will I lay you both ten guineas a-piece, that neither
+of them is so pretty, so witty, or so virtuous, as mine.
+
+_Colonel S._ 'Tis done.
+
+_Sir H._ I'll double the stakes--But, gentlemen, now I think on't, how
+shall we be resolved? For I know not where my mistress may be found; she
+left Paris about a month before me, and I had an account----
+
+_Colonel S._ How, sir! left Paris about a month before you?
+
+_Sir H._ Yes, sir, and I had an account that she lodged somewhere in St.
+James's.
+
+_Vizard._ How! somewhere in St. James's say you?
+
+_Sir H._ Ay, sir, but I know not where, and perhaps may'nt find her this
+fortnight.
+
+_Colonel S._ Her name, pray, Sir Harry?
+
+_Vizard._ Ay, ay, her name; perhaps we know her.
+
+_Sir H._ Her name! Ay, she has the softest, whitest hand that ever was
+made of flesh and blood; her lips so balmy sweet----
+
+_Colonel S._ But her name, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ Then her neck and----
+
+_Vizard._ But her name, sir? her quality?
+
+_Sir H._ Then her shape, colonel?
+
+_Colonel S._ But her name I want, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ Then her eyes, Vizard!
+
+_Colonel S._ Pshaw, Sir Harry! her name, or nothing!
+
+_Sir H._ Then if you must have it, she's called the Lady----But then
+her foot, gentlemen! she dances to a miracle. Vizard, you have certainly
+lost your wager.
+
+_Vizard._ Why, you have certainly lost your senses; we shall never
+discover the picture, unless you subscribe the name.
+
+_Sir H._ Then her name is Lurewell.
+
+_Colonel S._ 'Sdeath! my mistress!                             [_Aside._
+
+_Vizard._ My mistress, by Jupiter!                             [_Aside._
+
+_Sir H._ Do you know her, gentlemen?
+
+_Colonel S._ I have seen her, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ Canst tell where she lodges? Tell me, dear colonel.
+
+_Colonel S._ Your humble servant, sir.                          [_Exit._
+
+_Sir H._ Nay, hold, colonel; I'll follow you, and will know.
+                                                            [_Runs out._
+
+_Vizard._ The Lady Lurewell his mistress! He loves her: but she loves
+me.----But he's a baronet, and I plain Vizard; he has a coach, and I
+walk on foot; I was bred in London, and he in Paris.----That very
+circumstance has murdered me----Then some stratagem must be laid to
+divert his pretensions.
+
+_Enter_ WILDAIR.
+
+_Sir H._ Pr'ythee, Dick, what makes the colonel so out of humour?
+
+_Vizard._ Because he's out of pay, I suppose.
+
+_Sir H._ 'Slife, that's true! I was beginning to mistrust some rivalship
+in the case.
+
+_Vizard._ And suppose there were, you know the colonel can fight, Sir
+Harry.
+
+_Sir H._ Fight! Pshaw--but he cannot dance, ha!--We contend for a woman,
+Vizard. 'Slife, man, if ladies were to be gained by sword and pistol
+only, what the devil should all we beaux do?
+
+_Vizard._ I'll try him farther. [_Aside._] But would not you, Sir Harry,
+fight for this woman you so much admire?
+
+_Sir H._ Fight! Let me consider. I love her----that's true;----but then
+I love honest Sir Harry Wildair better. The Lady Lurewell is divinely
+charming----right----but then a thrust i' the guts, or a Middlesex jury,
+is as ugly as the devil.
+
+_Vizard._ Ay, Sir Harry, 'twere a dangerous cast for a beau baronet to
+be tried by a parcel of greasy, grumbling, bartering boobies, who would
+hang you, purely because you're a gentleman.
+
+_Sir H._ Ay, but on t'other hand, I have money enough to bribe the
+rogues with: so, upon mature deliberation, I would fight for her. But no
+more of her. Pr'ythee, Vizard, cannot you recommend a friend to a pretty
+mistress by the bye, till I can find my own? You have store, I'm sure;
+you cunning poaching dogs make surer game, than we that hunt open and
+fair. Pr'ythee now, good Vizard.
+
+_Vizard._ Let me consider a little.--Now love and revenge inspire my
+politics!                                                      [_Aside._
+
+     [_Pauses whilst_ SIR HARRY _walks, singing_.
+
+_Sir H._ Pshaw! thou'rt longer studying for a new mistress, than a
+waiter would be in drawing fifty corks.
+
+_Vizard._ I design you good wine; you'll therefore bear a little
+expectation.
+
+_Sir H._ Ha! say'st thou, dear Vizard?
+
+_Vizard._ A girl of nineteen, Sir Harry.
+
+_Sir H._ Now nineteen thousand blessings light on thee.
+
+_Vizard._ Pretty and witty.
+
+_Sir H._ Ay, ay, but her name, Vizard!
+
+_Vizard._ Her name! yes--she has the softest, whitest hand that e'er was
+made of flesh and blood; her lips so balmy sweet----
+
+_Sir H._ Well, well, but where shall I find her, man?
+
+_Vizard._ Find her!--but then her foot, Sir Harry! she dances to a
+miracle.
+
+_Sir H._ Pr'ythee, don't distract me.
+
+_Vizard._ Well then, you must know, that this lady is the greatest
+beauty in town; her name's Angelica: she that passes for her mother is
+a private bawd, and called the Lady Darling: she goes for a baronet's
+lady, (no disparagement to your honour, Sir Harry) I assure you.
+
+_Sir H._ Pshaw, hang my honour! but what street, what house?
+
+_Vizard._ Not so fast, Sir Harry; you must have my passport for your
+admittance, and you'll find my recommendation in a line or two will
+procure you very civil entertainment; I suppose twenty or thirty pieces
+handsomely placed, will gain the point.
+
+_Sir H._ Thou dearest friend to a man in necessity! Here, sirrah, order
+my carriage about to St. James's; I'll walk across the park.
+                                                      [_To his_ SERVANT.
+
+_Enter_ CLINCHER SENIOR.
+
+_Clinch._ Here, sirrah, order my coach about to St. James's, I'll walk
+across the park too--Mr. Vizard, your most devoted--Sir, [_To_ WILDAIR.]
+I admire the mode of your shoulder-knot; methinks it hangs very
+emphatically, and carries an air of travel in it: your sword-knot too
+is most ornamentally modish, and bears a foreign mien. Gentlemen, my
+brother is just arrived in town; so that, being upon the wing to kiss
+his hands, I hope you'll pardon this abrupt departure of, gentlemen,
+your most devoted, and most faithful humble servant.            [_Exit._
+
+_Sir H._ Pr'ythee, dost know him?
+
+_Vizard._ Know him! why, it is Clincher, who was apprentice to my uncle
+Smuggler, the merchant in the city.
+
+_Sir H._ What makes him so gay?
+
+_Vizard._ Why, he's in mourning.
+
+_Sir H._ In mourning?
+
+_Vizard._ Yes, for his father. The kind old man in Hertfordshire t'other
+day broke his neck a fox-hunting; the son, upon the news, has broke
+his indentures; whipped from behind the counter into the side-box. He
+keeps his coach and liveries, brace of geldings, leash of mistresses,
+talks of nothing but wines, intrigues, plays, fashions, and going to the
+jubilee.
+
+_Sir H._ Ha! ha! ha! how many pounds of pulvil must the fellow use in
+sweetening himself from the smell of hops and tobacco? Faugh!--I' my
+conscience methought, like Olivia's lover, he stunk of Thames-Street.
+But now for Angelica, that's her name: we'll to the prince's
+chocolate-house, where you shall write my passport. _Allons._
+                                                              [_Exeunt._
+
+
+SCENE II.
+
+LADY LUREWELL'S _Lodgings_.
+
+_Enter_ LADY LUREWELL, _and her Maid_ PARLY.
+
+
+_Lady L._ Parly, my pocket-book--let me see--Madrid, Paris, Venice,
+London!--Ay, London! They may talk what they will of the hot countries,
+but I find love most fruitful under this climate----In a month's space
+have I gained--let me see, imprimis, Colonel Standard.
+
+_Parly._ And how will your ladyship manage him?
+
+_Lady L._ As all soldiers should be managed; he shall serve me till I
+gain my ends, then I'll disband him.
+
+_Parly._ But he loves you, madam.
+
+_Lady L._ Therefore I scorn him;
+  I hate all that don't love me, and slight all that do;
+  'Would his whole deluding sex admir'd me,
+  Thus would I slight them all.
+  My virgin and unwary innocence
+  Was wrong'd by faithless man;
+  But now, glance eyes, plot brain, dissemble face,
+  Lie tongue, and
+  Plague the treacherous kind.----
+  Let me survey my captives.----
+  The colonel leads the van; next, Mr. Vizard,
+  He courts me out of the "Practice of Piety,"
+  Therefore is a hypocrite;
+  Then Clincher, he adores me with orangerie,
+  And is consequently a fool;
+  Then my old merchant, Alderman Smuggler,
+He's a compound of both;--out of which medley of lovers, if I don't make
+good diversion----What d'ye think, Parly?
+
+_Parly._ I think, madam, I'm like to be very virtuous in your service,
+if you teach me all those tricks that you use to your lovers.
+
+_Lady L._ You're a fool, child; observe this, that though a woman swear,
+forswear, lie, dissemble, backbite, be proud, vain, malicious, any
+thing, if she secures the main chance, she's still virtuous; that's a
+maxim.
+
+_Parly._ I can't be persuaded, though, madam, but that you really loved
+Sir Harry Wildair in Paris.
+
+_Lady L._ Of all the lovers I ever had, he was my greatest plague, for I
+could never make him uneasy: I left him involved in a duel upon my
+account: I long to know whether the fop be killed or not.
+
+_Enter_ COLONEL STANDARD.
+
+Oh lord! no sooner talk of killing, but the soldier is conjured up.
+You're upon hard duty, colonel, to serve your king, your country, and a
+mistress too.
+
+_Colonel S._ The latter, I must confess, is the hardest; for in war,
+madam, we can be relieved in our duty; but in love, he, who would take
+our post, is our enemy; emulation in glory is transporting, but rivals
+here intolerable.
+
+_Lady L._ Those that bear away the prize in arms, should boast the same
+success in love; and, I think, considering the weakness of our sex, we
+should make those our companions who can be our champions.
+
+_Colonel S._ I once, madam, hoped the honour of defending you from all
+injuries, through a title to your lovely person; but now my love must
+attend my fortune. My commission, madam, was my passport to the fair;
+adding a nobleness to my passion, it stamped a value on my love; 'twas
+once the life of honour, but now its winding sheet; and with it must my
+love be buried.
+
+_Parly._ What? disbanded, Colonel?
+
+_Colonel S._ Yes, Mrs. Parly.
+
+_Parly._ Faugh, the nauseous fellow! he stinks of poverty already.
+                                                               [_Aside._
+
+_Lady L._ His misfortune troubles me, because it may prevent my designs.
+                                                               [_Aside._
+
+_Colonel S._ I'll chuse, madam, rather to destroy my passion by absence
+abroad, than have it starved at home.
+
+_Lady L._ I'm sorry, sir, you have so mean an opinion of my affection,
+as to imagine it founded upon your fortune. And, to convince you of your
+mistake, here I vow, by all that's sacred, I own the same affection now
+as before. Let it suffice, my fortune is considerable.
+
+_Colonel S._ No, madam, no; I'll never be a charge to her I love!
+The man, that sells himself for gold, is the worst of prostitutes.
+
+_Lady L._ Now, were he any other creature but a man, I could love him.
+                                                               [_Aside._
+
+_Colonel S._ This only last request I make, that no title recommend a
+fool, no office introduce a knave, nor red coat a coward, to my place
+in your affections; so farewell my country, and adieu my love.  [_Exit._
+
+_Lady L._ Now the devil take thee for being so honourable: here, Parly,
+call him back, I shall lose half my diversion else. Now for a trial of
+skill.
+
+_Enter_ COLONEL STANDARD.
+
+Sir, I hope you'll pardon my curiosity. When do you take your journey?
+
+_Colonel S._ To-morrow morning, early, madam.
+
+_Lady L._ So suddenly! which way are you designed to travel?
+
+_Colonel S._ That I can't yet resolve on.
+
+_Lady L._ Pray, sir, tell me; pray, sir; I entreat you; why are you so
+obstinate?
+
+_Colonel S._ Why are you so curious, madam?
+
+_Lady L._ Because----
+
+_Colonel S._ What?
+
+_Lady L._ Because, I, I----
+
+_Colonel S._ Because, what, madam?--Pray tell me.
+
+_Lady L._ Because I design to follow you.                     [_Crying._
+
+_Colonel S._ Follow me! By all that's great, I ne'er was proud before.
+Follow me! By Heavens thou shalt not. What! expose thee to the hazards
+of a camp!--Rather I'll stay, and here bear the contempt of fools, and
+worst of fortune.
+
+_Lady L._ You need not, shall not; my estate for both is sufficient.
+
+_Colonel S._ Thy estate! No, I'll turn a knave, and purchase one
+myself; I'll cringe to the proud man I undermine; I'll tip my tongue
+with flattery, and smooth my face with smiles; I'll turn informer,
+office-broker, nay, coward, to be great; and sacrifice it all to thee,
+my generous fair.
+
+_Lady L._ And I'll dissemble, lie, swear, jilt, any thing, but I'll
+reward thy love, and recompense thy noble passion.
+
+_Colonel S._ Sir Harry, ha! ha! ha! poor Sir Harry, ha! ha! ha! Rather
+kiss her hand than the Pope's toe; ha! ha! ha!
+
+_Lady L._ What Sir Harry, Colonel? What Sir Harry?
+
+_Colonel S._ Sir Harry Wildair, madam.
+
+_Lady L._ What! is he come over?
+
+_Colonel S._ Ay, and he told me--but I don't believe a syllable on't----
+
+_Lady L._ What did he tell you?
+
+_Colonel S._ Only called you his mistress; and pretending to be
+extravagant in your commendation, would vainly insinuate the praise of
+his own judgment and good fortune in a choice.
+
+_Lady L._ How easily is the vanity of fops tickled by our sex!
+
+_Colonel S._ Why, your sex is the vanity of fops.
+
+_Lady L._ On my conscience, I believe so. This gentleman, because he
+danced well, I pitched on for a partner at a ball in Paris, and ever
+since he has so persecuted me with letters, songs, dances, serenading,
+flattery, foppery, and noise, that I was forced to fly the kingdom.
+----And I warrant you he made you jealous?
+
+_Colonel S._ 'Faith, madam, I was a little uneasy.
+
+_Lady L._ You shall have a plentiful revenge; I'll send him back all his
+foolish letters, songs, and verses, and you yourself shall carry them:
+'twill afford you opportunity of triumphing, and free me from his
+further impertinence; for of all men he's my aversion. I'll run and
+fetch them instantly.                                           [_Exit._
+
+_Colonel S._ Dear madam, a rare project! Now shall I bait him, like
+Actćon, with his own dogs.----Well, Mrs. Parly, it is ordered by act of
+parliament, that you receive no more pieces, Mrs. Parly.
+
+_Parly._ 'Tis provided by the same act, that you send no more messages
+by me, good Colonel; you must not presume to send any more letters,
+unless you can pay the postage.
+
+_Colonel S._ Come, come, don't be mercenary; take example by your lady,
+be honourable.
+
+_Parly._ A-lack-a-day, sir, it shows as ridiculous and haughty for us to
+imitate our betters in their honour, as in their finery; leave honour to
+nobility that can support it: we poor folks, Colonel, have no pretence
+to't; and truly, I think, sir, that your honour should be cashiered with
+your leading-staff.
+
+_Colonel S._ 'Tis one of the greatest curses of poverty to be the jest
+of chambermaids!
+
+_Enter_ LUREWELL.
+
+_Lady L._ Here's the packet, Colonel; the whole magazine of love's
+artillery.                                      [_Gives him the Packet._
+
+_Colonel S._ Which, since I have gained, I will turn upon the enemy.
+Madam, I'll bring you the news of my victory this evening. Poor Sir
+Harry, ha! ha! ha!                                              [_Exit._
+
+_Lady L._ To the right about as you were; march, Colonel. Ha! ha! ha!
+  Vain man, who boasts of studied parts and wiles!
+  Nature in us, your deepest art beguiles,
+  Stamping deep cunning in our frowns and smiles.
+  You toil for art, your intellects you trace;
+  Woman, without a thought, bears policy in her face.         [_Exeunt._
+
+
+
+
+ACT THE SECOND.
+
+
+SCENE I.
+
+CLINCHER JUNIOR'S _Lodgings_.
+
+_Enter_ CLINCHER JUNIOR, _opening a Letter_; SERVANT _following_.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ [Reads.] _Dear Brother--I will see you presently: I have
+sent this lad to wait on you; he can instruct you in the fashions of the
+town. I am your affectionate brother_,                CLINCHER.
+Very well; and what's your name, sir?
+
+_Dicky._ My name is Dicky, sir.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Dicky!
+
+_Dicky._ Ay, Dicky, sir.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Very well; a pretty name! And what can you do, Mr. Dicky?
+
+_Dicky._ Why, sir, I can powder a wig, and pick up a whore.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Oh, lord! Oh, lord! a whore! Why, are there many in this
+town?
+
+_Dicky._ Ha! ha! ha! many! there's a question, indeed!----Harkye, sir;
+do you see that woman there, in the pink cloak and white feathers.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Ay, sir! what then?
+
+_Dicky._ Why, she shall be at your service in three minutes, as I'm a
+pimp.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Oh, Jupiter Ammon! Why, she's a gentlewoman.
+
+_Dicky._ A gentlewoman! Why so they are all in town, sir.
+
+_Enter_ CLINCHER _senior_.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Brother, you're welcome to London.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ I thought, brother, you owed so much to the memory of my
+father, as to wear mourning for his death.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Why, so I do, fool; I wear this, because I have the
+estate; and you wear that, because you have not the estate. You have
+cause to mourn, indeed, brother. Well, brother, I'm glad to see you;
+fare you well.                                                 [_Going._
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Stay, stay, brother.----Where are you going?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ How natural 'tis for a country booby to ask impertinent
+questions!--Harkye, sir; is not my father dead?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Ay, ay, to my sorrow.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ No matter for that, he's dead; and am not I a young,
+powdered, extravagant English heir?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Very right, sir.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Why then, sir, you may be sure that I am going to the
+Jubilee, sir.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Jubilee! What's that?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Jubilee! Why, the Jubilee is----'Faith I don't know what
+it is.
+
+_Dicky._ Why, the Jubilee is the same thing as our Lord Mayor's day in
+the city; there will be pageants, and squibs, and raree-shows, and all
+that, sir.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ And must you go so soon, brother?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Yes, sir; for I must stay a month at Amsterdam, to study
+poetry.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Then I suppose, brother, you travel through Muscovy, to
+learn fashions; don't you, brother?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Brother! Pr'ythee, Robin, don't call me brother; sir will
+do every jot as well.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Oh, Jupiter Ammon! why so?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Because people will imagine you have a spite at me.--But
+have you seen your cousin Angelica yet, and her mother, the Lady
+Darling?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ No; my dancing-master has not been with me yet. How shall
+I salute them, brother?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Pshaw! that's easy; 'tis only two scrapes, a kiss, and
+your humble servant. I'll tell you more when I come from the Jubilee.
+Come along.                                                   [_Exeunt._
+
+
+  [Illustration: SIR HARRY WILDAIR.--HERE IS A NEST OF THE PRETTIEST
+  GOLDFINCHES, THAT EVER CHIRPED IN A CAGE. ACT. II. SCENE. II.]
+
+
+SCENE II.
+
+LADY DARLING'S _House_.
+
+_Enter_ SIR H. WILDAIR _with a Letter_.
+
+
+_Sir H._ Like light and heat, incorporate we lay;
+ We bless'd the night, and curs'd the coming day.
+
+Well, if this paper kite flies sure, I'm secure of my game----Humph!--the
+prettiest _bourdel_ I have seen; a very stately genteel one----
+
+FOOTMEN _cross the Stage_.
+
+Heyday! equipage too!----'Sdeath, I'm afraid I've mistaken the house!
+
+_Enter_ LADY DARLING.
+
+No, this must be the bawd, by her dignity.
+
+_Lady D._ Your business, pray, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ Pleasure, madam.
+
+_Lady D._ Then, sir, you have no business here.
+
+_Sir H._ This letter, madam, will inform you farther. Mr. Vizard sent
+it, with his humble service to your ladyship.
+
+_Lady D._ How does my cousin, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ Ay, her cousin, too! that's right procuress again.    [_Aside._
+
+_Lady D._ [Reads.] _Madam----Earnest inclination to serve----Sir
+Harry----Madam----court my cousin----Gentleman----fortune_----
+                       _Your ladyships most humble servant_, VIZARD.
+Sir, your fortune and quality are sufficient to recommend you any where;
+but what goes farther with me is the recommendation of so sober and
+pious a young gentleman as my cousin Vizard.
+
+_Sir H._ A right sanctified bawd o' my word!                   [_Aside._
+
+_Lady D._ Sir Harry, your conversation with Mr. Vizard argues you a
+gentleman, free from the loose and vicious carriage of the town. I shall
+therefore call my daughter.                                     [_Exit._
+
+_Sir H._ Now go thy way for an illustrious bawd of Babylon:--she dresses
+up a sin so religiously, that the devil would hardly know it of his
+making.
+
+_Enter_ LADY DARLING _with_ ANGELICA.
+
+_Lady D._ Pray, daughter, use him civilly; such matches don't offer
+every day.      [_Exit_ LADY DARL.
+
+_Sir H._ Oh, all ye powers of love! an angel!--'Sdeath, what money have
+I got in my pocket? I can't offer her less than twenty guineas----and,
+by Jupiter, she's worth a hundred.
+
+_Ang._ 'Tis he! the very same! and his person as agreeable as his
+character of good humour.----Pray Heaven his silence proceed from
+respect!
+
+_Sir H._ How innocent she looks! How would that modesty adorn virtue,
+when it makes even vice look so charming!----By Heaven, there's such a
+commanding innocence in her looks, that I dare not ask the question!
+
+_Ang._ Now, all the charms of real love and feigned indifference assist
+me to engage his heart; for mine is lost already.
+
+_Sir H._ Madam--I--I----Zouns, I cannot speak to her!--Oh, hypocrisy!
+hypocrisy! what a charming sin art thou!
+
+_Ang._ He is caught; now to secure my conquest--I thought, sir, you had
+business to communicate.
+
+_Sir H._ Business to communicate! How nicely she words it!----Yes,
+madam, I have a little business to communicate. Don't you love
+singing-birds, madam?
+
+_Ang._ That's an odd question for a lover--Yes, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ Why, then, madam, here's a nest of the prettiest goldfinches
+that ever chirp'd in a cage; twenty young ones, I assure you, madam.
+
+_Ang._ Twenty young ones! What then, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ Why then, madam, there are----twenty young ones----'Slife, I
+think twenty is pretty fair.
+
+_Ang._ He's mad, sure!----Sir Harry, when you have learned more wit and
+manners, you shall be welcome here again.                       [_Exit._
+
+_Sir H._ Wit and manners! 'Egad, now, I conceive there is a great deal
+of wit and manners in twenty guineas--I'm sure 'tis all the wit and
+manners I have about me at present. What shall I do?
+
+_Enter_ CLINCHER JUNIOR _and_ DICKY.
+
+What the devil's here? Another cousin, I warrant ye!--Harkye, sir, can
+you lend me ten or a dozen guineas instantly? I'll pay you fifteen for
+them in three hours, upon my honour.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ These London sparks are plaguy impudent! This fellow, by
+his assurance, can be no less than a courtier.
+
+_Dicky._ He's rather a courtier by his borrowing.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ 'Faith, sir, I han't above five guineas about me.
+
+_Sir H._ What business have you here then, sir?--For, to my knowledge,
+twenty won't be sufficient.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Sufficient! for what, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ What, sir! Why, for that, sir; what the devil should it be,
+sir? I know your business, notwithstanding all your gravity, sir.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ My business! Why, my cousin lives here.
+
+_Sir H._ I know your cousin does live here, and Vizard's cousin, and
+every body's cousin----Harkye, sir, I shall return immediately; and if
+you offer to touch her till I come back, I shall cut your throat,
+rascal.     [_Exit._
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Why, the man's mad, sure!
+
+_Dicky._ Mad, sir! Ay----Why, he's a beau.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ A beau! What's that? Are all madmen
+beaux?
+
+_Dicky._ No, sir; but most beaux are madmen.--But now for your cousin.
+Remember your three scrapes, a kiss, and your humble servant. [_Exeunt._
+
+
+SCENE III.
+
+_A Street._
+
+_Enter_ SIR HARRY WILDAIR, COLONEL STANDARD _following_.
+
+
+_Colonel S._ Sir Harry! Sir Harry!
+
+_Sir H._ I am in haste, Colonel; besides, if you're in no better humour
+than when I parted with you in the park this morning, your company won't
+be very agreeable.
+
+_Colonel S._ You're a happy man, Sir Harry, who are never out of humour.
+Can nothing move your gall, Sir Harry?
+
+_Sir H._ Nothing but impossibilities, which are the same as nothing.
+
+_Colonel S._ What impossibilities?
+
+_Sir H._ The resurrection of my father to disinherit me, or an act of
+parliament against wenching. A man of eight thousand pounds _per annum_
+to be vexed! No, no; anger and spleen are companions for younger
+brothers.
+
+_Colonel S._ Suppose one called you a son of a whore behind your back.
+
+_Sir H._ Why, then would I call him rascal behind his back; so we're
+even.
+
+_Colonel S._ But suppose you had lost a mistress.
+
+_Sir H._ Why, then I would get another.
+
+_Colonel S._ But suppose you were discarded by the woman you love; that
+would surely trouble you.
+
+_Sir H._ You're mistaken, Colonel; my love is neither romantically
+honourable, nor meanly mercenary; 'tis only a pitch of gratitude: while
+she loves me, I love her; when she desists, the obligation's void.
+
+_Colonel S._ But to be mistaken in your opinion, sir; if the Lady
+Lurewell (only suppose it) had discarded you--I say, only suppose
+it----and had sent your discharge by me.
+
+_Sir H._ Pshaw! that's another impossibility.
+
+_Colonel S._ Are you sure of that?
+
+_Sir H._ Why, 'twere a solecism in nature. Why, we are finger and glove,
+sir. She dances with me, sings with me, plays with me, swears with me,
+lies with me.
+
+_Colonel S._ How, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ I mean in an honourable way; that is, she lies for me. In
+short, we are as like one another as a couple of guineas.
+
+_Colonel S._ Now that I have raised you to the highest pinnacle of
+vanity, will I give you so mortifying a fall, as shall dash your hopes
+to pieces.--I pray your honour to peruse these papers.
+                                                [_Gives him the Packet._
+
+_Sir H._ What is't, the muster-roll of your regiment, colonel?
+
+_Colonel S._ No, no, 'tis a list of your forces in your last love
+campaign; and, for your comfort, all disbanded.
+
+_Sir H._ Pr'ythee, good metaphorical colonel, what d'ye mean?
+
+_Colonel S._ Read, sir, read; these are the Sibyl's leaves, that will
+unfold your destiny.
+
+_Sir H._ So it be not a false deed to cheat me of my estate, what care
+I--[_Opening the Packet._] Humph! my hand!--_To the Lady Lurewell_--_To
+the Lady Lurewell_--_To the Lady Lurewell_--What the devil hast thou
+been tampering with, to conjure up these spirits?
+
+_Colonel S._ A certain familiar of your acquaintance, sir. Read, read.
+
+_Sir H._ [Reading.] _Madam, my passion----so natural----your beauty
+contending----force of charms----mankind----eternal admirer_, WILDAIR.
+--I ne'er was ashamed of my name before.
+
+_Colonel S._ What, Sir Harry Wildair out of humour! ha! ha! ha! Poor Sir
+Harry! More glory in her smile than in the Jubilee at Rome; ha! ha! ha!
+But then her foot, Sir Harry; she dances to a miracle! ha! ha! ha! Fie,
+Sir Harry; a man of your parts write letters not worth keeping!
+
+_Sir H._ Now, why should I be angry that a woman is a woman? Since
+inconstancy and falsehood are grounded in their natures, how can they
+help it?--Here's a copy of verses too: I must turn poet, in the devil's
+name--Stay--'Sdeath, what's here?--This is her hand----Oh, the charming
+characters!--[Reading.]--_My dear Wildair_,--That's I, 'egad!--_This
+huff-bluff Colonel_--that's he--_is the rarest fool in nature_--the
+devil he is!--_and as such have I used him_.--With all my heart,
+'faith!--_I had no better way of letting you know that I lodge in Pall
+Mall_--LUREWELL.----Colonel, I am your most humble servant.
+
+_Colonel S._ Hold, sir, you shan't go yet; I ha'n't delivered half my
+message.
+
+_Sir H._ Upon my faith, but you have, colonel.
+
+_Colonel S._ Well, well, own your spleen; out with it; I know you're
+like to burst.
+
+_Sir H._ I am so, 'egad; ha! ha! ha!  [_Laugh and point at one another._
+
+_Colonel S._ Ay, with all my heart; ha! ha! Well, well, that's forced,
+Sir Harry.
+
+_Sir H._ I was never better pleased in all my life, by Jupiter.
+
+_Colonel S._ Well, Sir Harry, 'tis prudence to hide your concern, when
+there's no help for it. But, to be serious, now; the lady has sent you
+back all your papers there----I was so just as not to look upon them.
+
+_Sir H._ I'm glad on't, sir; for there were some things that I would not
+have you see.
+
+_Colonel S._ All this she has done for my sake; and I desire you would
+decline any further pretensions for your own sake. So, honest,
+goodnatured Sir Harry, I'm your humble servant.                 [_Exit._
+
+_Sir H._ Ha! ha! ha! poor colonel! Oh, the delight of an ingenious
+mistress! what a life and briskness it adds to an amour.--A legerdemain
+mistress, who, _presto_! _pass_! and she's vanished; then _hey_! in an
+instant in your arms again.                                    [_Going._
+
+_Enter_ VIZARD.
+
+_Vizard._ Well met, Sir Harry--what news from the island of love?
+
+_Sir H._ 'Faith, we made but a broken voyage by your chart; but now I am
+bound for another port: I told you the colonel was my rival.
+
+_Vizard._ The colonel--curs'd misfortune! another.             [_Aside._
+
+_Sir H._ But the civilest in the world; he brought me word where my
+mistress lodges. The story's too long to tell you now, for I must fly.
+
+_Vizard._ What, have you given over all thoughts of Angelica?
+
+_Sir H._ No, no; I'll think of her some other time. But now for the Lady
+Lurewell. Wit and beauty calls.
+
+  That mistress ne'er can pall her lover's joys,
+  Whose wit can whet, whene'er her beauty cloys.
+  Her little amorous frauds all truths excel,
+  And make us happy, being deceived so well.                    [_Exit._
+
+_Vizard._ The colonel my rival too!----How shall I manage? There is but
+one way----him and the knight will I set a tilting, where one cuts
+t'other's throat, and the survivor's hanged: so there will be two rivals
+pretty decently disposed of.                                    [_Exit._
+
+
+SCENE IV.
+
+LADY LUREWELL'S _Lodgings_.
+
+_Enter_ LADY LUREWELL _and_ PARLY.
+
+
+_Lady L._ Has my servant brought me the money from my merchant?
+
+_Parly._ No, madam: he met Alderman Smuggler at Charing-Cross, who has
+promised to wait on you himself immediately.
+
+_Lady L._ 'Tis odd that this old rogue should pretend to love me, and at
+the same time cheat me of my money.
+
+_Parly._ 'Tis well, madam, if he don't cheat you of your estate; for
+you say the writings are in his hands.
+
+_Lady L._ But what satisfaction can I get of him?----Oh! here he comes!
+
+_Enter_ SMUGGLER.
+
+Mr. Alderman, your servant; have you brought me any money, sir?
+
+_Smug._ 'Faith, madam, trading is very dead; what with paying the taxes,
+losses at sea abroad, and maintaining our wives at home, the bank is
+reduced very low; money is very scarce.
+
+_Lady L._ Come, come, sir; these evasions won't serve your turn: I must
+have money, sir--I hope you don't design to cheat me?
+
+_Smug._ Cheat you, madam! have a care what you say: I'm an alderman,
+madam----Cheat you, madam! I have been an honest citizen these
+five-and-thirty years.
+
+_Lady L._ An honest citizen! Bear witness, Parly--I shall trap him in
+more lies presently. Come, sir, though I am a woman, I can take a
+remedy.
+
+_Smug._ What remedy, madam? You'll go to law, will ye? I can maintain a
+suit of law, be it right or wrong, these forty years--thanks to the
+honest practice of the courts.
+
+_Lady L._ Sir, I'll blast your reputation, and so ruin your credit.
+
+_Smug._ Blast my reputation! he! he! he! Why, I'm a religious man,
+madam; I have been very instrumental in the reformation of manners. Ruin
+my credit! Ah, poor woman! There is but one way, madam----you have a
+sweet leering eye.
+
+_Lady L._ You instrumental in the reformation?--How?
+
+_Smug._ I whipp'd all the pau-pau women out of the parish--Ah, that
+leering eye! Ah, that lip! that lip!
+
+_Lady L._ Here's a religious rogue for you, now!--As I hope to be saved,
+I have a good mind to beat the old monster.
+
+_Smug._ Madam, I have brought you about two hundred and fifty guineas (a
+great deal of money, as times go) and----
+
+_Lady L._ Come, give 'em me.
+
+_Smug._ Ah, that hand, that hand! that pretty, soft, white----I have
+brought it; but the condition of the obligation is such, that whereas
+that leering eye, that pouting lip, that pretty soft hand, that--you
+understand me; you understand; I'm sure you do, you little rogue----
+
+_Lady L._ Here's a villain, now, so covetous, that he would bribe me
+with my own money. I'll be revenged. [_Aside._]--Upon my word, Mr.
+Alderman, you make me blush,--what d'ye mean, pray?
+
+_Smug._ See here, madam. [_Pulls his Purse out._]--Buss and guinea! buss
+and guinea! buss and guinea!
+
+_Lady L._ Well, Mr. Alderman, you have such pretty winning ways, that I
+will--ha! ha! ha!
+
+_Smug._ Will you, indeed, he! he! he! my little cocket? And when, and
+where, and how?
+
+_Lady L._ 'Twill be a difficult point, sir, to secure both our honours:
+you must therefore be disguised, Mr. Alderman.
+
+_Smug._ Pshaw! no matter; I am an old fornicator; I'm not half so
+religious as I seem to be. You little rogue, why I'm disguised as I am;
+our sanctity is all outside, all hypocrisy.
+
+_Lady L._ No man is seen to come into this house after dark; you must
+therefore sneak in, when 'tis dark, in woman's clothes.
+
+_Smug._ With all my heart----I have a suit on purpose, my little cocket;
+I love to be disguised; 'ecod, I make a very handsome woman, 'ecod, I
+do.
+
+_Enter_ SERVANT, _who whispers_ LADY LUREWELL.
+
+_Lady L._ Oh, Mr. Alderman, shall I beg you to walk into the next room?
+Here are some strangers coming up.
+
+_Smug._ Buss and guinea first--Ah, my little cocket!            [_Exit._
+
+_Enter_ SIR H. WILDAIR.
+
+_Sir H._ My life, my soul, my all that Heaven can give!----
+
+_Lady L._ Death's life with thee, without thee death to live. Welcome,
+my dear Sir Harry----I see you got my directions.
+
+_Sir H._ Directions! in the most charming manner, thou dear Machiavel of
+intrigue.
+
+_Lady L._ Still brisk and airy, I find, Sir Harry.
+
+_Sir H._ The sight of you, madam, exalts my air, and makes joy lighten
+in my face.
+
+_Lady L._ I have a thousand questions to ask you, Sir Harry. Why did you
+leave France so soon?
+
+_Sir H._ Because, madam, there is no existing where you are not.
+
+_Lady L._ _Oh, monsieur, je vous suis fort obligée_----But, where's the
+court now?
+
+_Sir H._ At Marli, madam.
+
+_Lady L._ And where my Count La Valier?
+
+_Sir H._ His body's in the church of Nôtre Dame; I don't know where his
+soul is.
+
+_Lady L._ What disease did he die of?
+
+_Sir H._ A duel, madam; I was his doctor.
+
+_Lady L._ How d'ye mean?
+
+_Sir H._ As most doctors do; I kill'd him.
+
+_Lady L._ _En cavalier_, my dear knight-errant--Well, and how, and how:
+what intrigues, what gallantries are carrying on in the _beau monde_?
+
+_Sir H._ I should ask you that question, madam, since your ladyship
+makes the _beau-monde_ wherever you come.
+
+_Lady L._ Ah, Sir Harry, I've been almost ruined, pestered to death
+here, by the incessant attacks of a mighty colonel; he has besieged me.
+
+_Sir H._ I hope your ladyship did not surrender, though.
+
+_Lady L._ No, no; but was forced to capitulate. But since you are come
+to raise the siege, we'll dance, and sing, and laugh----
+
+_Sir H._ And love, and kiss----_Montrez moi votre chambre?_
+
+_Lady L._ _Attends, attends, un peu_----I remember, Sir Harry, you
+promised me, in Paris, never to ask that impertinent question again.
+
+_Sir H._ Pshaw, madam! that was above two months ago: besides, madam,
+treaties made in France are never kept.
+
+_Lady L._ Would you marry me, Sir Harry?
+
+_Sir H._ Oh! I do detest marriage.--But I will marry you.
+
+_Lady L._ Your word, sir, is not to be relied on: if a gentleman will
+forfeit his honour in dealings of business, we may reasonably suspect
+his fidelity in an amour.
+
+_Sir H._ My honour in dealings of business! Why, madam, I never had any
+business in all my life.
+
+_Lady L._ Yes, Sir Harry, I have heard a very odd story, and am sorry
+that a gentleman of your figure should undergo the scandal.
+
+_Sir H._ Out with it, madam.
+
+_Lady L._ Why, the merchant, sir, that transmitted your bills of
+exchange to you in France, complains of some indirect and dishonourable
+dealings.
+
+_Sir H._ Who, old Smuggler?
+
+_Lady L._ Ay, ay, you know him, I find.
+
+_Sir H._ I have some reason, I think; why, the rogue has cheated me of
+above five hundred pounds within these three years.
+
+_Lady L._ 'Tis your business then to acquit yourself publicly; for he
+spreads the scandal every where.
+
+_Sir H._ Acquit myself publicly! I'll drive instantly into the city,
+and cane the old villain: he shall run the gauntlet round the Royal
+Exchange.
+
+_Lady L._ Why, he is in the house now, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ What, in this house?
+
+_Lady L._ Ay, in the next room.
+
+_Sir H._ Then, sirrah, lend me your cudgel.
+
+_Lady L._ Sir Harry, you won't raise a disturbance in my house?
+
+_Sir H._ Disturbance, madam! no, no, I'll beat him with the temper of a
+philosopher. Here, Mrs. Parly, show me the gentleman.
+                                                     [_Exit with_ PARLY.
+
+_Lady L._ Now shall I get the old monster well beaten, and Sir Harry
+pestered next term with bloodsheds, batteries, costs, and damages,
+solicitors and attorneys; and if they don't tease him out of his good
+humour, I'll never plot again.                                  [_Exit._
+
+
+SCENE V.
+
+_Another Room in the same House._
+
+_Enter_ SMUGGLER.
+
+
+_Smug._ Oh, this damned tide-waiter! A ship and cargo worth five
+thousand pounds! Why, 'tis richly worth five hundred perjuries.
+
+_Enter_ SIR H. WILDAIR.
+
+_Sir H._ Dear Mr. Alderman, I'm your most devoted and humble servant.
+
+_Smug._ My best friend, Sir Harry, you're welcome to England.
+
+_Sir H._ I'll assure you, sir, there's not a man in the king's dominions
+I am gladder to meet, dear, dear Mr. Alderman.       [_Bowing very low._
+
+_Smug._ Oh, lord, sir, you travellers have the most obliging ways with
+you!
+
+_Sir H._ There is a business, Mr. Alderman, fallen out, which you may
+oblige me infinitely by----I am very sorry that I am forced to be
+troublesome; but necessity, Mr. Alderman----
+
+_Smug._ Ay, sir, as you say, necessity----But, upon my word, sir, I am
+very short of money at present; but----
+
+_Sir H._ That's not the matter, sir; I'm above an obligation that way:
+but the business is, I'm reduced to an indispensable necessity of being
+obliged to you for a beating----Here, take this cudgel.
+
+_Smug._ A beating, Sir Harry! ha! ha! ha! I beat a knight baronet! an
+alderman turn cudgel-player! Ha! ha! ha!
+
+_Sir H._ Upon my word, sir, you must beat me, or I cudgel you; take your
+choice.
+
+_Smug._ Pshaw! pshaw! you jest.
+
+_Sir H._ Nay, 'tis sure as fate----So, Alderman, I hope you'll pardon my
+curiosity.                                               [_Strikes him._
+
+_Smug._ Curiosity! Deuce take your curiosity, sir!--What d'ye mean?
+
+_Sir H._ Nothing at all; I'm but in jest, sir.
+
+_Smug._ Oh, I can take any thing in jest! but a man might imagine, by
+the smartness of the stroke, that you were in downright earnest.
+
+_Sir H._ Not in the least, sir; [_Strikes him._] not in the least,
+indeed, sir.
+
+_Smug._ Pray, good sir, no more of your jests; for they are the bluntest
+jests that ever I knew.
+
+_Sir H._ [_Strikes._] I heartily beg your pardon, with all my heart,
+sir.
+
+_Smug._ Pardon, sir! Well, sir, that is satisfaction enough from a
+gentleman. But, seriously, now, if you pass any more of your jests upon
+me, I shall grow angry.
+
+_Sir H._ I humbly beg your permission to break one or two more.
+                                                         [_Strikes him._
+
+_Smug._ Oh, lord, sir, you'll break my bones! Are you mad, sir? Murder,
+felony, manslaughter!                      [SIR HARRY _knocks him down_.
+
+_Sir H._ Sir, I beg you ten thousand pardons; but I am absolutely
+compelled to it, upon my honour, sir: nothing can be more averse to my
+inclinations, than to jest with my honest, dear, loving, obliging
+friend, the Alderman.
+
+[_Striking him all this while_: SMUGGLER _tumbles over and over_.
+
+_Enter_ LADY LUREWELL.
+
+_Lady L._ Oh, lord! Sir Harry's murdering the poor old man.
+
+_Smug._ Oh, dear madam, I was beaten in jest, till I am murdered in good
+earnest.
+
+_Lady L._ Oh! you barbarous man!--Now the devil take you, Sir Harry, for
+not beating him harder--Well, my dear, you shall come at night, and I'll
+make you amends.                        [_Here_ SIR HARRY _takes Snuff_.
+
+_Smug._ Madam, I will have amends before I leave the place----Sir, how
+durst you use me thus!
+
+_Sir H._ Sir?
+
+_Smug._ Sir, I say that I will have satisfaction.
+
+_Sir H._ With all my heart.               [_Throws Snuff into his Eyes._
+
+_Smug._ Oh, murder! blindness! fire! Oh, madam, madam, get me some
+water. Water! fire! fire! water!             [_Exit with_ LADY LUREWELL.
+
+_Sir H._ How pleasant is resenting an injury without passion! 'Tis the
+beauty of revenge.
+
+No spleen, no trouble, shall my time destroy: Life's but a span, I'll
+ev'ry inch enjoy.                                               [_Exit._
+
+
+
+
+ACT THE THIRD.
+
+
+SCENE I.
+
+_The Street._
+
+_Enter_ COLONEL STANDARD _and_ VIZARD.
+
+
+_Colonel S._ I bring him word where she lodged? I the civilest rival in
+the world? 'Tis impossible.
+
+_Vizard._ I shall urge it no farther, sir. I only thought, sir, that my
+character in the world might add authority to my words, without so many
+repetitions.
+
+_Colonel S._ Pardon me, dear Vizard. Our belief struggles hard, before
+it can be brought to yield to the disadvantage of what we love. But what
+said Sir Harry?
+
+_Vizard._ He pitied the poor credulous colonel, laughed heartily, flew
+away with all the raptures of a bridegroom, repeating these lines:
+
+  A mistress ne'er can pall her lover's joys,
+  Whose wit can whet, whene'er her beauty cloys.
+
+_Colonel S._ A mistress ne'er can pall! By all my wrongs he whores her,
+and I am made their property.----Vengeance----Vizard, you must carry a
+note for me to Sir Harry.
+
+_Vizard._ What, a challenge? I hope you don't design to fight?
+
+_Colonel S._ What, wear the livery of my king, and pocket an affront?
+'Twere an abuse to his sacred Majesty: a soldier's sword, Vizard, should
+start of itself, to redress its master's wrong.
+
+_Vizard._ However, sir, I think it not proper for me to carry any such
+message between friends.
+
+_Colonel S._ I have ne'er a servant here; what shall I do?
+
+_Vizard._ There's Tom Errand, the porter, that plies at the Blue Posts,
+one who knows Sir Harry and his haunts very well; you may send a note by
+him.
+
+_Colonel S._ Here, you, friend.
+
+_Vizard._ I have now some business, and must take my leave; I would
+advise you, nevertheless, against this affair.
+
+_Colonel S._ No whispering now, nor telling of friends, to prevent us.
+He, that disappoints a man of an honourable revenge, may love him
+foolishly like a wife, but never value him as a friend.
+
+_Vizard._ Nay, the devil take him, that parts you, say I.       [_Exit._
+
+_Enter_ TOM ERRAND.
+
+_Tom._ Did your honour call porter?
+
+_Colonel S._ Is your name Tom Errand?
+
+_Tom._ People call me so, an't like your worship.
+
+_Colonel S._ D'ye know Sir Harry Wildair?
+
+_Tom._ Ay, very well, sir; he's one of my best masters; many a round
+half crown have I had of his worship; he's newly come home from France,
+sir.
+
+_Colonel S._ Go to the next coffee-house, and wait for me.----Oh, woman,
+woman, how blessed is man, when favoured by your smiles, and how
+accursed when all those smiles are found but wanton baits to sooth us to
+destruction.                                                  [_Exeunt._
+
+_Enter_ SIR H. WILDAIR, _and_ CLINCHER SENIOR, _following_.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Sir, sir, sir, having some business of importance to
+communicate to you, I would beg your attention to a trifling affair,
+that I would impart to your understanding.
+
+_Sir H._ What is your trifling business of importance, pray, sweet sir?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Pray, sir, are the roads deep between this and Paris?
+
+_Sir H._ Why that question, sir?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Because I design to go to the jubilee, sir. I understand
+that you are a traveller, sir; there is an air of travel in the tie of
+your cravat, sir: there is indeed, sir----I suppose, sir, you bought
+this lace in Flanders.
+
+_Sir H._ No, sir, this lace was made in Norway.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Norway, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ Yes, sir, of the shavings of deal boards.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ That's very strange now, 'faith--Lace made of the
+shavings of deal boards! 'Egad, sir, you travellers see very strange
+things abroad, very incredible things abroad, indeed. Well, I'll have a
+cravat of the very same lace before I come home.
+
+_Sir H._ But, sir, what preparations have you made for your journey?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ A case of pocket-pistols for the bravos, and a
+swimming-girdle.
+
+_Sir H._ Why these, sir?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Oh, lord, sir, I'll tell you----Suppose us in Rome now;
+away goes I to some ball--for I'll be a mighty beau. Then, as I said, I
+go to some ball, or some bear-baiting--'tis all one, you know--then
+comes a fine Italian _bona roba_, and plucks me by the sleeve: Signior
+Angle, Signior Angle--She's a very fine lady, observe that--Signior
+Angle, says she--Signiora, says I, and trips after her to the corner of
+a street, suppose it Russel Street, here, or any other street: then, you
+know, I must invite her to the tavern; I can do no less----There up
+comes her bravo; the Italian grows saucy, and I give him an English
+dowse on the face: I can box, sir, box tightly; I was a 'prentice,
+sir----But then, sir, he whips out his stiletto, and I whips out my
+bull-dog--slaps him through, trips down stairs, turns the corner of
+Russel Street again, and whips me into the ambassador's train, and there
+I'm safe as a beau behind the scenes.
+
+_Sir H._ Is your pistol charged, sir?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Only a brace of bullets, that's all, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ 'Tis a very fine pistol, truly; pray let me see it.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ With all my heart, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ Harkye, Mr. Jubilee, can you digest a brace of bullets?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Oh, by no means in the world, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ I'll try the strength of your stomach, however. Sir, you're a
+dead man.                        [_Presenting the Pistol to his Breast._
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Consider, dear sir, I am going to the Jubilee: when I
+come home again, I am a dead man at your service.
+
+_Sir H._ Oh, very well, sir; but take heed you are not so choleric for
+the future.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Choleric, sir! Oons, I design to shoot seven Italians in
+a week, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ Sir, you won't have provocation.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Provocation, sir! Zouns, sir, I'll kill any man for
+treading upon my corns: and there will be a devilish throng of people
+there: they say that all the princes of Italy will be there.
+
+_Sir H._ And all the fops and fiddlers in Europe----But the use of your
+swimming girdle, pray sir?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Oh lord, sir, that's easy. Suppose the ship cast away;
+now, whilst, other foolish people are busy at their prayers, I whip on
+my swimming girdle, clap a month's provision in my pocket, and sails me
+away, like an egg in a duck's belly. Well, sir, you must pardon me now,
+I'm going to see my mistress.                                   [_Exit._
+
+_Sir H._ This fellow's an accomplished ass before he goes abroad. Well,
+this Angelica has got into my heart, and I cannot get her out of my
+head. I must pay her t'other visit.                             [_Exit._
+
+
+SCENE II.
+
+LADY DARLING'S _House_.
+
+_Enter_ ANGELICA, LADY DARLING, CLINCHER JUNIOR, _and_ DICKY.
+
+
+_Lady D._ This is my daughter, cousin.
+
+_Dicky._ Now sir, remember your three scrapes.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ [_Saluting_ ANGELICA.] One, two, three, your humble
+servant. Was not that right, Dicky?
+
+_Dicky._ Ay, 'faith, sir; but why don't you speak to her?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ I beg your pardon, Dicky; I know my distance. Would you
+have me to speak to a lady at the first sight?
+
+_Dicky._ Ay sir, by all means; the first aim is the surest.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Now for a good jest, to make her laugh heartily----By
+Jupiter Ammon, I'll give her a kiss.                [_Goes towards her._
+
+_Enter_ WILDAIR, _interposing_.
+
+_Sir H._ 'Tis all to no purpose; I told you so before; your pitiful five
+guineas will never do. You may go; I'll outbid you.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ What the devil! the madman's here again.
+
+_Lady D._ Bless me, cousin, what d'ye mean? Affront a gentleman of his
+quality in my house?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Quality!--Why, madam, I don't know what you mean by your
+madmen, and your beaux, and your quality----they're all alike, I
+believe.
+
+_Lady D._ Pray, sir, walk with me into the next room.
+
+[_Exit_ LADY DARLING, _leading_ CLINCHER, DICKY _following_.
+
+_Ang._ Sir, if your conversation be no more agreeable than 'twas the
+last time, I would advise you to make your visit as short as you can.
+
+_Sir H._ The offences of my last visit, madam, bore their punishment in
+the commission; and have made me as uneasy till I receive pardon, as
+your ladyship can be till I sue for it.
+
+_Ang._ Sir Harry, I did not well understand the offence, and must
+therefore proportion it to the greatness of your apology; if you would,
+therefore, have me think it light, take no great pains in an excuse.
+
+_Sir H._ How sweet must the lips be that guard that tongue! Then, madam,
+no more of past offences; let us prepare for joys to come. Let this seal
+my pardon.                                           [_Kisses her Hand._
+
+_Ang._ Hold, sir: one question, Sir Harry, and pray answer plainly--D'ye
+love me?
+
+_Sir H._ Love you! Does fire ascend? Do hypocrites dissemble? Usurers
+love gold, or great men flattery? Doubt these, then question that I
+love.
+
+_Ang._ This shows your gallantry, sir, but not your love.
+
+_Sir H._ View your own charms, madam, then judge my passion.
+
+_Ang._ If your words be real, 'tis in your power to raise an equal flame
+in me.
+
+_Sir H._ Nay, then, I seize----
+
+_Ang._ Hold, sir; 'tis also possible to make me detest and scorn you
+worse than the most profligate of your deceiving sex.
+
+_Sir H._ Ha! a very odd turn this. I hope, madam, you only affect anger,
+because you know your frowns are becoming.
+
+_Ang._ Sir Harry, you being the best judge of your own designs, can best
+understand whether my anger should be real or dissembled; think what
+strict modesty should bear, then judge of my resentment.
+
+_Sir H._ Strict modesty should bear! Why, 'faith, madam, I believe, the
+strictest modesty may bear fifty guineas, and I don't believe 'twill
+bear one farthing more.
+
+_Ang._ What d'ye mean, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ Nay, madam, what do you mean? If you go to that. I think now,
+fifty guineas is a fine offer for your strict modesty, as you call it.
+
+_Ang._ I'm afraid you're mad, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ Why, madam, you're enough to make any man mad. 'Sdeath, are you
+not a----
+
+_Ang._ What, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ Why, a lady of--strict modesty, if you will have it so.
+
+_Ang._ I shall never hereafter trust common report, which represented
+you, sir, a man of honour, wit, and breeding; for I find you very
+deficient in them all three.                                    [_Exit._
+
+_Sir H._ Now I find, that the strict pretences, which the ladies of
+pleasure make to strict modesty, is the reason why those of quality are
+ashamed to wear it.
+
+_Enter_ VIZARD.
+
+_Vizard._ Ah! Sir Harry, have I caught you? Well, and what success?
+
+_Sir H._ Success! 'Tis a shame for you young fellows in town here, to
+let the wenches grow so saucy. I offered her fifty guineas, and she was
+in her airs presently, and flew away in a huff. I could have had a brace
+of countesses in Paris for half the money, and _je vous remercie_ into
+the bargain.
+
+_Vizard._ Gone in her airs, say you! and did not you follow her?
+
+_Sir H._ Whither should I follow her?
+
+_Vizard._ Into her bedchamber, man; she went on purpose. You a man of
+gallantry, and not understand that a lady's best pleased when she puts
+on her airs, as you call it!
+
+_Sir H._ She talked to me of strict modesty, and stuff.
+
+_Vizard._ Certainly. Most women magnify their modesty, for the same
+reason that cowards boast their courage--because they have least on't.
+Come, come, Sir Harry, when you make your next assault, encourage your
+spirits with brisk Burgundy: if you succeed, 'tis well; if not, you have
+a fair excuse for your rudeness. I'll go in, and make your peace for
+what's past. Oh, I had almost forgot----Colonel Standard wants to speak
+with you about some business.
+
+_Sir H._ I'll wait upon him presently; d'ye know where he may be found?
+
+_Vizard._ In the piazza of Covent Garden, about an hour hence, I
+promised to see him: and there you may meet him--to have your throat
+cut. [_Aside._] I'll go in and intercede for you.
+
+_Sir H._ But no foul play with the lady, Vizard.                [_Exit._
+
+_Vizard._ No fair play, I can assure you.                       [_Exit._
+
+
+SCENE III.
+
+_The Street before_ LADY LUREWELL'S _Lodgings_.
+
+CLINCHER SENIOR, _and_ LUREWELL, _coquetting in the Balcony_.--_Enter_
+STANDARD.
+
+
+_Colonel S._ How weak is reason in disputes of love! I've heard her
+falsehood with such pressing proofs, that I no longer should distrust
+it. Yet still my love would baffle demonstration, and make
+impossibilities seem probable. [_Looks up._] Ha! That fool too! What,
+stoop so low as that animal?--'Tis true, women once fallen, like cowards
+in despair, will stick at nothing; there's no medium in their actions.
+They must be bright as angels, or black as fiends. But now for my
+revenge; I'll kick her cully before her face, call her whore, curse the
+whole sex, and leave her.                                    [_Goes in._
+
+
+SCENE IV.
+
+_A Dining Room._
+
+_Enter_ LADY LUREWELL _and_ CLINCHER SENIOR.
+
+
+_Lady L._ Oh lord, sir, it is my husband! What will become of you?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Ah, your husband! Oh, I shall be murdered! What shall I
+do? Where shall I run? I'll creep into an oven--I'll climb up the
+chimney--I'll fly--I'll swim;----I wish to the lord I were at the
+Jubilee now.
+
+_Lady L._ Can't you think of any thing, sir?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Think! not I; I never could think to any purpose in my
+life.
+
+_Lady L._ What do you want, sir?
+
+_Enter_ TOM ERRAND.
+
+_Tom._ Madam, I am looking for Sir Harry Wildair; I saw him come in here
+this morning; and did imagine he might be here still, if he is not gone.
+
+_Lady L._ A lucky hit! Here, friend, change clothes with this gentleman,
+quickly, strip.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Ay, ay, quickly strip; I'll give you half a crown to
+boot. Come here; so.                             [_They change Clothes._
+
+_Lady L._ Now slip you [_To_ CLINCH. SENIOR.] down stairs, and wait at
+the door till my husband be gone; and get you in there [_To_ TOM
+ERRAND.] till I call you.             [_Puts_ ERRAND _in the next Room_.
+
+_Enter_ COLONEL STANDARD.
+
+Oh, sir, are you come? I wonder, sir, how you have the confidence to
+approach me, after so base a trick.
+
+_Colonel S._ Oh, madam, all your artifices won't avail.
+
+_Lady L._ Nay, sir, your artifices won't avail. I thought, sir, that I
+gave you caution enough against troubling me with Sir Harry Wildair's
+company, when I sent his letters back by you; yet you, forsooth, must
+tell him where I lodged, and expose me again to his impertinent
+courtship!
+
+_Colonel S._ I expose you to his courtship!
+
+_Lady L._ I'll lay my life you'll deny it now. Come, come, sir: a
+pitiful lie is as scandalous to a red coat, as an oath to a black.
+
+_Colonel S._ You're all lies; first, your heart is false; your eyes are
+double; one look belies another; and then your tongue does contradict
+them all--Madam, I see a little devil just now hammering out a lie in
+your pericranium.
+
+_Lady L._ As I hope for mercy, he's in the right on't.         [_Aside._
+
+_Colonel. S._ Yes, yes, madam, I exposed you to the courtship of your
+fool Clincher, too; I hope your female wiles will impose that upon
+me----also----
+
+_Lady L._ Clincher! Nay, now you're stark mad. I know no such person.
+
+_Colonel S._ Oh, woman in perfection! not know him! 'Slife, madam, can
+my eyes, my piercing jealous eyes, be so deluded? Nay, madam, my nose
+could not mistake him; for I smelt the fop by his pulvilio, from the
+balcony down to the street.
+
+_Lady L._ The balcony! ha! ha! ha! the balcony! I'll be hanged but he
+has mistaken Sir Harry Wildair's footman, with a new French livery, for
+a beau.
+
+_Colonel S._ 'Sdeath, madam! what is there in me that looks like a
+cully? Did I not see him?
+
+_Lady L._ No, no, you could not see him; you're dreaming, colonel. Will
+you believe your eyes, now that I have rubbed them open?--Here, you
+friend.
+
+_Enter_ TOM ERRAND, _in_ CLINCHER SENIOR'S _Clothes_.
+
+_Colonel S._ This is illusion all; my eyes conspire against themselves.
+Tis legerdemain.
+
+_Lady L._ Legerdemain! Is that all your acknowledgment for your rude
+behaviour?--Oh, what a curse is it to love as I do!--Begone sir, [_To_
+TOM ERRAND.] to your impertinent master, and tell him I shall never be
+at leisure to receive any of his troublesome visits.--Send to me to know
+when I should be at home!--Begone, sir. [_Exit_ TOM ERRAND.] I am sure
+he has made me an unfortunate woman.                           [_Weeps._
+
+_Colonel S._ Nay, then there is no certainty in nature; and truth is
+only falsehood well disguised.
+
+_Lady L._ Sir, had not I owned my fond, foolish passion, I should not
+have been subject to such unjust suspicions: but it is an ungrateful
+return.                                                      [_Weeping._
+
+_Colonel S._ Now, where are all my firm resolves? I hope, madam, you'll
+pardon me, since jealousy, that magnified my suspicion, is as much the
+effect of love, as my easiness in being satisfied.
+
+_Lady L._ Easiness in being satisfied! No, no, sir; cherish your
+suspicions, and feed upon your jealousy: 'tis fit meat for your
+squeamish stomach.
+
+With me all women should this rule pursue: Who think us false, should
+never find us true.                                   [_Exit in a Rage._
+
+_Enter_ CLINCHER SENIOR _in_ TOM ERRAND'S _Clothes_.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Well, intriguing is the prettiest, pleasantest thing for
+a man of my parts.--How shall we laugh at the husband, when he is
+gone?--How sillily he looks! He's in labour of horns already.--To make a
+colonel a cuckold! 'Twill be rare news for the alderman.
+
+_Colonel S._ All this Sir Harry has occasioned; but he's brave, and will
+afford me a just revenge.--Oh, this is the porter I sent the challenge
+by----Well sir, have you found him?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ What the devil does he mean now?
+
+_Colonel S._ Have you given Sir Harry the note, fellow?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ The note! what note?
+
+_Colonel S._ The letter, blockhead, which I sent by you to Sir Harry
+Wildair; have you seen him?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Oh, lord, what shall I say now? Seen him? Yes, sir--no,
+sir.--I have, sir--I have not, sir.
+
+_Colonel S._ The fellow's mad. Answer me directly, sirrah, or I'll break
+your head.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ I know Sir Harry very well, sir; but as to the note,
+sir, I can't remember a word on't: truth is, I have a very bad memory.
+
+_Colonel S._ Oh, sir, I'll quicken your memory.          [_Strikes him._
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Zouns, sir, hold!--I did give him the note.
+
+_Colonel S._ And what answer?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ I mean, I did not give him the note.
+
+_Colonel S._ What, d'ye banter, rascal?            [_Strikes him again._
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Hold, sir, hold! He did send an answer.
+
+_Colonel S._ What was't, villain?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Why, truly sir, I have forgot it: I told you that I had a
+very treacherous memory.
+
+_Colonel S._ I'll engage you shall remember me this month, rascal.
+                                                 [_Beats him, and exit._
+
+_Enter_ LUREWELL _and_ PARLY.
+
+_Lady L._ Oh, my poor gentleman! and was it beaten?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Yes, I have been beaten. But where's my clothes? my
+clothes?
+
+_Lady L._ What, you won't leave me so soon, my dear, will ye?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Will ye!--If ever I peep into the colonel's tent again,
+may I be forced to run the gauntlet. But my clothes, madam.
+
+_Lady L._ I sent the porter down stairs with them: did not you meet him?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Meet him? No, not I.
+
+_Parly._ No! He went out at the back door, and is run clear away, I'm
+afraid.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Gone, say you, and with my clothes, my fine Jubilee
+clothes?--Oh, the rogue, the thief!--I'll have him hang'd for
+murder--But how shall I get home in this pickle?
+
+_Parly._ I'm afraid, sir, the colonel will be back presently, for he
+dines at home.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Oh, then I must sneak off. Was ever such an unfortunate
+beau, To have his coat well thrash'd, and lose his coat also!   [_Exit._
+
+_Parly._ Methinks, madam, the injuries you have suffered by men must be
+very great, to raise such heavy resentments against the whole sex;--and,
+I think, madam, your anger should be only confined to the author of your
+wrongs.
+
+_Lady L._ The author! alas, I know him not.
+
+_Parly._ Not know him? Tis odd, madam, that a man should rob you of that
+same jewel, and you not know him.
+
+_Lady L._ Leave trifling: 'tis a subject that always sours my temper:
+but since, by thy faithful service, I have some reason to confide in
+your secresy, hear the strange relation.--Some twelve years ago, I lived
+at my father's house in Oxfordshire, blest with innocence, the
+ornamental, but weak guard of blooming beauty. Then it happened that
+three young gentlemen from the university coming into the country, and
+being benighted, and strangers, called at my father's: he was very glad
+of their company, and offered them the entertainment of his house.
+
+_Parly._ Which they accepted, no doubt. Oh, these strolling collegians
+are never abroad, but upon some mischief.
+
+_Lady L._ Two of them had a heavy, pedantic air: but the third----
+
+_Parly._ Ah, the third, madam--the third of all things, they say, is
+very critical.
+
+_Lady L._ He was--but in short, nature formed him for my undoing. His
+very looks were witty, and his expressive eyes spoke softer, prettier
+things, than words could frame.
+
+_Parly._ There will be mischief by and by; I never heard a woman talk
+so much of eyes, but there were tears presently after.
+
+_Lady L._ My father was so well pleased with his conversation, that he
+begged their company next day; they consented, and next night, Parly----
+
+_Parly._ Ah, next night, madam----next night (I'm afraid) was a night
+indeed.
+
+_Lady L._ He bribed my maid, with his gold, out of her modesty; and me,
+with his rhetoric, out of my honour. [_Weeps._] He swore that he would
+come down from Oxford in a fortnight, and marry me.
+
+_Parly._ The old bait, the old bait--I was cheated just so myself.
+[_Aside._] But had not you the wit to know his name all this while?
+
+_Lady L._ He told me that he was under an obligation to his companions,
+of concealing himself then, but, that he would write to me in two days,
+and let me know his name and quality. After all the binding oaths of
+constancy, I gave him a ring with this motto--"_Love and Honour_"--then
+we parted, and I never saw the dear deceiver more.
+
+_Parly._ No, nor never will, I warrant you.
+
+_Lady L._ I need not tell my griefs, which my father's death made a fair
+pretence for; he left me sole heiress and executrix to three thousand
+pounds a year: at last, my love for this single dissembler turned to a
+hatred of the whole sex; and, resolving to divert my melancholy, I
+went to travel. Here I will play my last scene; then retire to my
+country-house, and live solitary. We shall have that old impotent
+lecher, Smuggler, here to-night; I have a plot to swinge him, and his
+precise nephew, Vizard.
+
+_Parly._ I think, madam, you manage every body that comes in your way.
+
+_Lady L._ No, Parly; those men, whose pretensions I found just and
+honourable, I fairly dismissed, by letting them know my firm resolutions
+never to marry, But those villains, that would attempt my honour, I've
+seldom failed to manage.
+
+_Parly._ What d'ye think of the colonel, madam? I suppose his designs
+are honourable.
+
+_Lady L._ That man's a riddle; there's something of honour in his temper
+that pleases; I'm sure he loves me too, because he's soon jealous, and
+soon satisfied.--But hang him, I have teased him enough--Besides, Parly,
+I begin to be tired of my revenge: but this buss and guinea I must maul
+once more. I'll hansel his woman's clothes for him. Go, get me pen and
+ink; I must write to Vizard too.
+
+Fortune, this once assist me as before: Two such machines can never work
+in vain, As thy propitious wheel, and my projecting brain.    [_Exeunt._
+
+
+
+
+ACT THE FOURTH.
+
+
+SCENE I.
+
+_Covent Garden._
+
+_Enter_ SIR H. WILDAIR _and_ COLONEL STANDARD, _meeting_.
+
+
+_Colonel S._ I thought, Sir Harry, to have met you ere this in a more
+convenient place; but since my wrongs were without ceremony, my revenge
+shall be so too.--Draw, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ Draw, sir! What shall I draw?
+
+_Colonel S._ Come, come, sir, I like your facetious humour well enough;
+it shows courage and unconcern. I know you brave, and therefore use you
+thus. Draw your sword.
+
+_Sir H._ Nay, to oblige you, I will draw; but the devil take me if I
+fight.--Perhaps, colonel, this is the prettiest blade you have seen.
+
+_Colonel S._ I doubt not but the arm is good; and therefore think both
+worth my resentment. Come, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ But, pr'ythee, colonel, dost think that I am such a madman, as
+to send my soul to the devil and body to the worms--upon every fool's
+errand?                                                        [_Aside._
+
+_Colonel S._ I hope you're no coward, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ Coward, sir! I have eight thousand pounds a year, sir.
+
+_Colonel S._ You fought in the army, to my knowledge.
+
+_Sir H._ Ay, for the same reason that I wore a red coat; because 'twas
+fashionable.
+
+_Colonel S._ Sir, you fought a French count in Paris.
+
+_Sir H._ True, sir, he was a beau, like myself. Now you're a soldier,
+colonel, and fighting's your trade; and I think it downright madness to
+contend with any man in his profession.
+
+_Colonel S._ Come, sir, no more dallying; I shall take very unseemly
+methods, if you don't show yourself a gentleman.
+
+_Sir H._ A gentleman! Why, there again, now. A gentleman! I tell you
+once more, colonel, that I am a baronet, and have eight thousand pounds
+a year. I can dance, sing, ride, fence, understand the languages--Now I
+can't conceive how running you through the body should contribute one
+jot more to my gentility. But pray, colonel, I had forgot to ask you,
+what's the quarrel?
+
+_Colonel S._ A woman, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ Then I put up my sword. Take her.
+
+_Colonel S._ Sir, my honour's concerned.
+
+_Sir H._ Nay, if your honour be concerned with a woman, get it out of
+her hands as soon as you can.--An honourable lover is the greatest slave
+in nature: some will say, the greatest fool. Come, come, colonel, this
+is something about the Lady Lurewell, I warrant; I can give you
+satisfaction in that affair.
+
+_Colonel S._ Do so then immediately.
+
+_Sir H._ Put up your sword first; you know I dare fight, but I had much
+rather make you a friend than an enemy. I can assure you this lady will
+prove too hard for one of your temper. You have too much honour, too
+much in conscience, to be a favourite with the ladies.
+
+_Colonel S._ I'm assured, sir, she never gave you any encouragement.
+
+_Sir H._ A man can never hear reason with his sword in his hand. Sheath
+your weapon; and then, if I don't satisfy you, sheath it in my body.
+
+_Colonel S._ Give me but demonstration of her granting you any favour,
+and it is enough.
+
+_Sir H._ Will you take my word?
+
+_Colonel S._ Pardon me, sir, I cannot.
+
+_Sir H._ Will you believe your own eyes?
+
+_Colonel S._ 'Tis ten to one whether I shall or no; they have deceived
+me already.
+
+_Sir H._ That's hard--but some means I shall devise for your
+satisfaction--[_Noise._]--We must fly this place, else that cluster of
+mob will overwhelm us.                                        [_Exeunt._
+
+_Enter_ MOB, TOM ERRAND'S _Wife hurrying in_ CLINCHER SENIOR _in_
+ERRAND'S _Clothes_.
+
+_Wife._ Oh! the villain, the rogue, he has murdered my husband. Ah, my
+poor Timothy!                                                 [_Crying._
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Dem your Timothy!--your husband has murdered me, woman;
+for he has carried away my fine Jubilee clothes.
+
+_Mob._ Away with him----away with him to the Thames.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Oh, if I had but my swimming girdle now!
+
+_Enter_ CONSTABLE.
+
+_Const._ Hold, neighbours, I command the peace.
+
+_Wife._ Oh, Mr. Constable, here's a rogue that has murdered my husband,
+and robbed him of his clothes.
+
+_Const._ Murder and robbery!--Then he must be a gentleman.----Hands off
+there; he must not be abused.----Give an account of yourself. Are you a
+gentleman?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ No, sir, I'm a beau.
+
+_Const._ A beau--Then you have killed nobody, I'm persuaded. How came
+you by these clothes, sir?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ You must know, sir, that walking along, sir, I don't know
+how, sir, I can't tell where, sir,--and so the porter and I changed
+clothes, sir.
+
+_Const._ Very well. The man speaks reason, and like a gentleman.
+
+_Wife._ But pray, Mr. Constable, ask him how he changed clothes with
+him.
+
+_Const._ Silence, woman, and don't disturb the court. Well, sir, how did
+you change clothes?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Why, sir, he pulled off my coat, and I drew off his: so I
+put on his coat, and he put on mine.
+
+_Const._ Why, neighbour, I don't find that he's guilty: search him--and
+if he carries no arms about him, we'll let him go.
+                   [_They search his Pockets, and pull out his Pistols._
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Oh, gemini! My Jubilee pistols!
+
+_Const._ What, a case of pistols! Then the case is plain. Speak, what
+are you, sir? Whence came you, and whither go you?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Sir, I came from Russel Street, and am going to the
+Jubilee.
+
+_Wife._ You shall go the gallows, you rogue.
+
+_Const._ Away with him, away with him to Newgate, straight.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ I shall go to the Jubilee now, indeed.
+
+_Enter_ SIR. H. WILDAIR _and_ COLONEL STANDARD.
+
+_Sir H._ In short, colonel, 'tis all nonsense--fight for a woman! Hard
+by is the lady's house, if you please, we'll wait on her together: you
+shall draw your sword--I'll draw my snuff-box: you shall produce your
+wounds received in war--I'll relate mine by Cupid's dart: you shall
+swear--I'll sigh: you shall sa, sa, and I'll coupée; and if she flies
+not to my arms, like a hawk to its perch, my dancing-master deserves to
+be damned.
+
+_Colonel S._ With the generality of women, I grant you, these arts may
+prevail.
+
+_Sir H._ Generality of women! Why there again, you're out. They're all
+alike, sir: I never heard of any one that was particular, but one.
+
+_Colonel S._ Who was she, pray?
+
+_Sir H._ Penelope, I think she's called, and that's a poetical story
+too. When will you find a poet in our age make a woman so chaste?
+
+_Colonel S._ Well, Sir Harry, your facetious humour can disguise
+falsehood, and make calumny pass for satire; but you have promised me
+ocular demonstration that she favours you: make that good, and I shall
+then maintain faith and female to be as inconsistent as truth and
+falsehood.
+
+_Sir H._ But will you be convinced, if our plot succeeds.
+
+_Colonel S._ I rely on your word and honour, Sir Harry.
+
+_Sir H._ Then meet me half an hour hence at the Shakspeare; you must
+oblige me by taking a hearty glass with me toward the fitting me out for
+a certain project, which this night I undertake.
+
+_Colonel S._ I guess, by the preparation, that woman's the design.
+
+_Sir H._ Yes, 'faith.--I am taken dangerously ill with two foolish
+maladies, modesty and love: the first I'll cure with Burgundy, and my
+love by a night's lodging with the damsel. A sure remedy. _Probatum
+est._
+
+_Colonel S._ I'll certainly meet you, sir.          [_Exeunt severally._
+
+_Enter_ CLINCHER JUNIOR _and_ DICKY.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Ah, Dick, this London is a sad place, a sad vicious
+place: I wish that I were in the country again. And this brother of
+mine--I'm sorry he's so great a rake: I had rather see him dead than see
+him thus.
+
+_Dicky._ Ay, sir, he'll spend his whole estate at this same Jubilee. Who
+d'ye think lives at this same Jubilee?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Who, pray?
+
+_Dicky._ The Pope.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ The devil he does! My brother go to the place where the
+Pope dwells! He's bewitched, sure!
+
+_Enter_ TOM ERRAND, _in_ CLINCHER SENIOR'S _Clothes_.
+
+_Dicky._ Indeed, I believe he is, for he's strangely altered.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Altered! Why, he looks like a Jesuit already.
+
+_Tom._ This lace will sell. What a blockhead was the fellow to trust me
+with his coat! If I can get cross the garden, down to the water-side, I
+am pretty secure.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Brother?--Alaw! Oh, gemini! Are you my brother?
+
+_Dicky._ I seize you in the kings name, sir.
+
+_Tom._ Oh, lord! should this prove some parliament man now!
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Speak, you rogue, what are you?
+
+_Tom._ A poor porter, and going of an errand.
+
+_Dicky._ What errand? Speak, you rogue.
+
+_Tom._ A fool's errand, I'm afraid.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Who sent you?
+
+_Tom._ A beau, sir.
+
+_Dicky._ No, no; the rogue has murdered your brother, and stripped him
+of his clothes.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Murdered my brother! Oh, crimini! Oh, my poor Jubilee
+brother! Stay, by Jupiter Ammon, I'm heir though. Speak, sir, have you
+killed him? Confess that you have killed him, and I'll give you half a
+crown.
+
+_Tom._ Who I, sir? Alack-a-day, sir, I never killed any man, but a
+carrier's horse once.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Then you shall certainly be hanged; but confess that you
+killed him, and we'll let you go.
+
+_Tom._ Telling the truth hangs a man, but confessing a lie can do no
+harm: besides, if the worst come to the worst, I can but deny it
+again.--Well, sir, since I must tell you, I did kill him.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Here's your money, sir.--But are you sure you killed him
+dead?
+
+_Tom._ Sir, I'll swear it before any judge in England.
+
+_Dicky._ But are you sure that he's dead in law?
+
+_Tom._ Dead in law! I can't tell whether he be dead in law. But he's as
+dead as a door nail; for I gave him seven knocks on the head with a
+hammer.
+
+_Dicky._ Then you have the estate by statute. Any man that's knocked on
+the head is dead in law.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ But are you sure he was compos mentis when he was killed?
+
+_Tom._ I suppose he was, sir; for he told me nothing to the contrary
+afterwards.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Hey! Then I go to the Jubilee.--Strip, sir, strip. By
+Jupiter Ammon, strip.
+
+_Dicky._ Ah! don't swear, sir.         [_Puts on his Brother's Clothes._
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Swear, sir! Zoons, ha'n't I got the estate, sir? Come,
+sir, now I'm in mourning for my brother.
+
+_Tom._ I hope you'll let me go now, sir.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Yes, yes, sir; but you must do the favour to swear
+positively before a magistrate, that you killed him dead, that I may
+enter upon the estate without any trouble. By Jupiter Ammon, all my
+religion's gone, since I put on these fine clothes.--Hey, call me a
+coach somebody.
+
+_Tom._ Ay, master, let me go, and I'll call one immediately.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ No, no; Dicky, carry this spark before a justice, and
+when he has made oath, you may discharge him. And I'll go see Angelica.
+[_Exeunt_ DICKY _and_ TOM.] Now that I'm an elder brother, I'll court,
+and swear, and rant and rake, and go to the Jubilee with the best of
+them.                                                           [_Exit._
+
+
+SCENE II.
+
+LADY LUREWELL'S _House_.
+
+_Enter_ LADY LUREWELL _and_ PARLY.
+
+
+_Lure._ Are you sure that Vizard had my letter?
+
+_Parly._ Yes, yes, madam; one of your ladyship's footmen gave it to him
+in the Park, and he told the bearer, with all transports of joy, that he
+would be punctual to a minute.
+
+_Lady L._ Thus most villains some time or other are punctual to their
+ruin; Are all things prepared for his reception?
+
+_Parly._ Exactly to your ladyship's order: the alderman too is just
+come, dressed and cooked up for iniquity.
+
+_Lady L._ Then he has got woman's clothes on?
+
+_Parly._ Yes, madam, and has passed upon the family for your nurse.
+
+_Lady L._ Convey him into that closet, and put out the candles, and tell
+him, I'll wait on him presently. When he is tired of his situation, let
+the servants pretend they take him for a common rogue, come with the
+intent to rob the house, and pump him heartily.
+
+[_As_ PARLY _goes to put out the Candles, somebody knocks.--Music plays
+without._
+
+_Lady L._ This must be Sir Harry; tell him I am not to be spoken with.
+
+_Parly._ Sir, my lady is not to be spoken with.
+
+_Sir H._ [_Without._] I must have that from her own mouth, Mrs. Parly.
+Play, gentlemen.                                   [_Music plays again._
+
+_Enter_ SIR HARRY.
+
+_Lady L._ 'Tis too early for serenading, Sir Harry.
+
+_Sir H._ Wheresoever love is, there music is proper.
+
+_Lady L._ But, Sir Harry, what tempest drives you here at this hour?
+
+_Sir H._ No tempest, madam, but love madam.
+                                      [WILDAIR _taking her by the Hand_.
+
+_Lady L._ As pure and white as angels' soft desires.
+
+_Sir H._ Fierce, as when ripe consenting beauty fires.
+
+_Lady L._ [_Aside._] If this be a love token, [WILDAIR _drops a ring,
+she takes it up_.] your mistress's favours hang very loose about you,
+sir.
+
+_Sir H._ I can't, justly, madam, pay your trouble of taking it up, by
+any thing but desiring you to wear it.
+
+_Lady L._ You gentlemen have the cunningest ways of playing the fool,
+and are so industrious in your profuseness. Speak seriously, am I
+beholden to chance or design for this ring?
+
+_Sir H._ To design, upon my honour. And I hope my design will succeed.
+                                                               [_Aside._
+
+_Lady L._ Shall I be free with you, Sir Harry?
+
+_Sir H._ With all my heart, madam, so I may be free with you.
+
+_Lady L._ Then plainly, sir, I shall beg the favour to see you some
+other time; for at this very minute I have two lovers in the house.
+
+_Sir H._ Then to be as plain, I must begone this minute, for I must see
+another mistress within these two hours.
+
+_Lady L._ Frank and free.
+
+_Sir H._ As you with me--Madam, your most humble servant.       [_Exit._
+
+_Lady L._ Nothing can disturb his humour. Now for my merchant and
+Vizard.                         [_Exit, and takes the Candles with her._
+
+_Enter_ PARLY, _leading in_ SMUGGLER, _dressed in Woman's Clothes._
+
+_Parly._ This way, Mr. Alderman.
+
+_Smug._ Well, Mrs. Parly,--I'm obliged to you for this trouble: here are
+a couple of shillings for you. Times are hard, very hard indeed; but
+next time I'll steal a pair of silk stockings from my wife, and bring
+them to you--What are you fumbling about my pockets for?
+
+_Parly._ Only setting the plaits of your gown: here, sir, get into this
+closet, and my lady will wait on you presently.
+
+     [_Puts him into the Closet, runs out, and returns with_ VIZARD.
+
+_Vizard._ Where wouldst thou lead me, my dear auspicious little pilot?
+
+_Parly._ You're almost in port, sir; my lady's in the closet, and will
+come out to you immediately.
+
+_Vizard._ Let me thank thee as I ought.                   [_Kisses her._
+
+_Parly._ Pshaw, who has hired me best? a couple of shillings, or a
+couple of kisses?                                         [_Exit_ PARLY.
+
+_Vizard._ Propitious darkness guides the lover's steps; and night, that
+shadows outward sense, lights up our inward joy.
+
+_Smug._ My nephew's voice, and certainly possessed with an evil spirit.
+
+_Vizard._ Ha! I hear a voice. Madam----my life, my happiness, where are
+you, madam?
+
+_Smug._ Madam! He takes me for a woman too: I'll try him. Where have you
+left your sanctity, Mr. Vizard?
+
+_Vizard._ Talk no more of that ungrateful subject--I left it where it
+has only business, with day-light; 'tis needless to wear a mask in the
+dark.
+
+_Smug._ Well, sir, but I suppose your dissimulation has some other
+motive besides pleasure?
+
+_Vizard._ Yes, madam, the honestest motive in the world--interest----You
+must know, madam, that I have an old uncle, Alderman Smuggler; you have
+seen him, I suppose.
+
+_Smug._ Yes, yes, I have some small acquaintance with him.
+
+_Vizard._ 'Tis the most knavish, precise, covetous old rogue, that ever
+died of the gout.
+
+_Smug._ Ah, the young son of a whore! [_Aside._] Well, sir, and what of
+him?
+
+_Vizard._ Why, madam, he has a swingeing estate, which I design to
+purchase as a saint, and spend like a gentleman. He got it by cheating,
+and should lose it by deceit. By the pretence of my zeal and sobriety,
+I'll cozen the old miser, one of these days, out of a settlement and
+deed of conveyance----
+
+_Smug._ It shall be a deed to convey you to the gallows then, ye young
+dog.                                                           [_Aside._
+
+_Vizard._ And no sooner he's dead, but I'll rattle over his grave with a
+coach and six, to inform his covetous ghost how genteelly I spend his
+money.
+
+_Smug._ I'll prevent you, boy; for I'll have my money buried with me.
+                                                               [_Aside._
+
+_Vizard._ Bless me, madam! here's a light coming this way. I must fly
+immediately.----When shall I see you, madam?
+
+_Smug._ Sooner than you expect, my dear.
+
+_Vizard._ Pardon me, dear madam, I would not be seen for the world. I
+would sooner forfeit my life, my pleasure, than my reputation.  [_Exit._
+
+_Smug._ Egad, and so would I too.                               [_Exit._
+
+
+
+
+ACT THE FIFTH.
+
+
+SCENE I.
+
+LADY DARLING'S _House_.
+
+_Enter_ LADY DARLING _and_ ANGELICA.
+
+
+_Lady D._ Daughter, since you have to deal with a man of so peculiar a
+temper, you must not think the general arts of love can secure him; you
+may therefore allow such a courtier some encouragement extraordinary,
+without reproach to your modesty.
+
+_Ang._ I am sensible, madam, that a formal nicety makes our modesty sit
+awkward, and appears rather a chain to enslave, than a bracelet to adorn
+us; it should show, when unmolested, easy and innocent as a dove, but
+strong and vigorous as a falcon, when assaulted.
+
+_Lady D._ I'm afraid, daughter, you mistake Sir Harry's gaiety for
+dishonour.
+
+_Ang._ Though modesty, madam, may wink, it must not sleep, when powerful
+enemies are abroad. I must confess, that, of all men's, I would not see
+Sir Harry Wildair's faults.
+
+_Lady D._ You must certainly be mistaken, Angelica; for I'm satisfied
+Sir Harry's designs are only to court and marry you.
+
+_Ang._ His pretence, perhaps, was such. Pray, madam, by what means were
+you made acquainted with his designs?
+
+_Lady D._ Means, child! Why, my cousin Vizard, who, I'm sure, is your
+sincere friend, sent him. He brought me this letter from my cousin.
+                               [_Gives her the Letter, which she opens._
+
+_Ang._ Ha! Vizard!--then I'm abused in earnest--Would Sir Harry, by his
+instigation, fix a base affront upon me? No, I can't suspect him of so
+ungenteel a crime--This letter shall trace the truth. [_Aside._]--My
+suspicions, madam, are much cleared; and I hope to satisfy your ladyship
+in my management, when I next see Sir Harry.
+
+_Enter_ SERVANT.
+
+_Serv._ Madam, here's a gentleman below, calls himself Wildair.
+
+_Lady D._ Conduct him up. [_Exit_ SERVANT.] Daughter, I won't doubt your
+discretion.                                        [_Exit_ LADY DARLING.
+
+_Enter_ SIR HARRY WILDAIR.
+
+_Sir H._ Oh, the delights of love and Burgundy!--Madam, I have toasted
+your ladyship fifteen bumpers successively, and swallowed Cupids like
+loches to every glass.
+
+_Ang._ And what then, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ Why, then, madam, the wine has got into my head, and the Cupids
+into my heart; and unless, by quenching quick my flame, you kindly ease
+the smart, I'm a lost man, madam.
+
+_Ang._ Drunkenness, Sir Harry, is the worst pretence a gentleman can
+make for rudeness; for the excuse is as scandalous as the fault.
+Therefore, pray consider who you are so free with, sir; a woman of
+condition, that can call half a dozen footmen upon occasion.
+
+_Sir H._ Nay, madam, if you have a mind to toss me in a blanket, half a
+dozen chambermaids would do better service. Come, come, madam; though
+the wine makes me lisp, yet it has taught me to speak plainer. By all
+the dust of my ancient progenitors, I must this night rest in your arms.
+
+_Ang._ Nay, then----who waits there?
+
+_Enter_ FOOTMEN.
+
+Take hold of that madman, and bind him.
+
+_Sir H._ Nay, then, Burgundy's the word; slaughter will ensue. Hold--Do
+you know, scoundrels, that I have been drinking victorious Burgundy?
+                                                               [_Draws._
+
+_Servants._ We know you're drunk, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ Then how have you the impudence, rascals, to assault a
+gentleman with a couple of flasks of courage in his head?
+
+_Servants._ We must do as our young mistress commands us.
+
+_Sir H._ Nay, then, have among ye, dogs! [_Throws Money among them; they
+scramble and take it up: he pelting them out, shuts the Door, and
+returns._] Rascals, poltroons!--I have charmed the dragon, and now the
+fruit's my own. I have put the whole army to flight; and now I'll take
+the general prisoner.                             [_Laying hold on her._
+
+_Ang._ I conjure you, sir, by the sacred name of Honour, by your dead
+father's name, and the fair reputation of your mother's chastity, that
+you offer not the least offence. Already you have wronged me past
+redress.
+
+_Sir H._ Thou art the most unaccountable creature----
+
+_Ang._ What madness, Sir Harry, what wild dream of loose desire, could
+prompt you to attempt this baseness?--View me well----the brightness of
+my mind, methinks, should lighten outwards, and let you see your mistake
+in my behaviour.
+
+_Sir H._ [_Mimicking._] Tal tidum, tidum, tal ti didi didum. A million
+to one, now, but this girl is just come flush from reading the Rival
+Queens----'Egad, I'll at her in her own cant--Oh, my Statira! Oh, my
+angry dear! turn thy eyes on me--behold thy beau in buskins.
+
+_Ang._ Behold me, sir; view me with a sober thought, free from those
+fumes of wine that throw a mist before your sight, and you shall find
+that every glance from my reproaching eyes is armed with sharp
+resentment, and with a virtuous pride that looks dishonour dead.
+
+_Sir H._ This is the first whore in heroics that I have met with.
+[_Aside._] Lookye, madam, as to that slender particular of your virtue,
+we sha'n't quarrel about it; you may be as virtuous as any woman in
+England, if you please. But, pray, madam, be pleased to consider, what
+is this same virtue that you make such a mighty noise about--Can your
+virtue keep you a coach and six? No, no; your virtuous women walk on
+foot.--Can your virtue stake for you at picquet? No. Then what business
+has a woman with virtue? Come, come, madam, I offered you fifty guineas;
+there's a hundred----The devil!--virtuous still!--Why, it is a hundred,
+five score, a hundred guineas.
+
+_Ang._ Oh, indignation! Were I a man, you durst not use me thus. But the
+mean, poor abuse you throw on me, reflects upon yourself: our sex still
+strikes an awe upon the brave, and only cowards dare affront a woman.
+
+_Sir H._ Affront! 'Sdeath, madam, a hundred guineas will set you up a
+bank at basset; a hundred guineas will furnish out your closet with
+china; a hundred guineas will give you an air of quality; a hundred
+guineas will buy you a rich cabinet for your billet-doux, or a fine
+Common Prayer Book for your virtue; a hundred guineas will buy a hundred
+fine things, and fine things are for fine ladies, and fine ladies are
+for fine gentlemen, and fine gentlemen are----'Egad, this Burgundy makes
+a man speak like an angel----Come, come, madam, take it, and put it to
+what use you please.
+
+_Ang._ I'll use it as I would the base unworthy giver, thus----
+                           [_Throws down the Purse, and stamps upon it._
+
+_Sir H._ I have no mind to meddle in state affairs; but these women
+will make me a parliament-man in spite of my teeth, on purpose to
+bring in a bill against their extortion. She tramples under foot that
+deity which all the world adores--Oh, the blooming pride of beautiful
+eighteen!--Pshaw!--I'll talk to her no longer; I'll make my market
+with the old gentlewoman; she knows business better----[_Goes to
+the Door._]--Here, you, friend: pray, desire the old lady to walk
+in----Harkye, 'egad, madam, I'll tell your mother.
+
+_Enter_ LADY DARLING.
+
+_Lady D._ Well, Sir Harry, and how d'ye like my daughter, pray?
+
+_Sir H._ Like her, madam!--Harkye, will you take it?--Why, 'faith,
+madam--Take the money, I say, or, 'egad, all's out.
+
+_Ang._ All shall out--Sir, you are a scandal to the name of gentleman.
+
+_Sir H._ With all my heart, madam--In short, madam, your daughter has
+used me somewhat too familiarly, though I have treated her like a woman
+of quality.
+
+_Lady D._ How, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ Why, madam, I have offered her a hundred guineas.
+
+_Lady D._ A hundred guineas! Upon what score?
+
+_Sir H._ Upon what score! Lord, lord, how these old women love to hear
+bawdy!--Why, 'faith, madam, I have never a _double entendre_ ready at
+present; but I suppose you know upon what score.
+
+_Ang._ Hold, sir, stop your abusive tongue, too loose for modest ears to
+hear----Madam, I did before suspect, that his designs were base, now
+they're too plain; this knight, this mighty man of wit and humour, is
+made a tool to a knave--Vizard has sent him on a bully's errand, to
+affront a woman; but I scorn the abuse, and him that offered it.
+
+_Lady D._ How, sir, come to affront us! D'ye know who we are, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ Know who you are! Why, your daughter there, is Mr. Vizard's
+--cousin, I suppose. And for you, madam--I suppose your ladyship to be
+one of those civil, obliging, discreet old gentlewomen, who keep their
+visiting days for the entertainment of their presenting friends, whom
+they treat with imperial tea, a private room, and a pack of cards. Now I
+suppose you do understand me.
+
+_Lady D._ This is beyond sufferance! But say, thou abusive man, what
+injury have you ever received from me, or mine, thus to engage you in
+this scandalous aspersion.
+
+_Ang._ Yes, sir, what cause, what motives could induce you thus to
+debase yourself below your rank?
+
+_Sir H._ Heyday! Now, dear Roxana, and you, my fair Statira, be not so
+very heroic in your style: Vizard's letter may resolve you, and answer
+all the impertinent questions you have made me.
+
+_Lady D. and Ang._ We appeal to that.
+
+_Sir H._ And I'll stand to't; he read it to me, and the contents were
+pretty plain, I thought.
+
+_Ang._ Here, sir, peruse it, and see how much we are injured, and you
+deceived.
+
+_Sir H._ [_Opening the Letter._] But hold, madam, [_To_ LADY DARLING.]
+before I read I'll make some condition:--Mr. Vizard says here, that I
+won't scruple thirty or forty pieces. Now, madam, if you have clapped in
+another cypher to the account, and made it three or four hundred, 'egad
+I'll not stand to't.
+
+_Lady D._ The letter, sir, shall answer you.
+
+_Sir H._ Well then--[Reads.] _Out of my earnest inclination to serve
+your ladyship, and my cousin Angelica_--Ay, ay, the very words, I can
+say it by heart--_I have sent Sir Harry Wildair to_--What the devil's
+this?--_Sent Sir Harry Wildair to court my cousin_--He read to me quite
+a different thing--_He's a gentleman of great parts and fortune_--He's a
+son of a whore, and a rascal--_And would make your daughter very happy_
+[Whistles.] _in a husband_.----[_Looks foolish, and hums a Song._]--Oh!
+poor Sir Harry, what have thy angry stars designed?
+
+_Ang._ Now, sir, I hope you need no instigation to redress our wrongs,
+since even the injury points the way.
+
+_Lady D._ Think, sir, that our blood for many generations has run in the
+purest channel of unsullied honour.
+
+_Sir H._ Ay, madam.                                      [_Bows to her._
+
+_Ang._ Consider what a tender flower is woman's reputation, which the
+least air of foul detraction blasts.
+
+_Sir H._ Yes, madam.                               [_Bows to the other._
+
+_Lady D._ Call then to mind your rude and scandalous behaviour.
+
+_Sir H._ Right, madam.                                    [_Bows again._
+
+_Ang._ Remember the base price you offered me.                  [_Exit._
+
+_Sir H._ Very true, madam. Was ever man so catechized?
+
+_Lady D._ And think that Vizard,--villain Vizard,--caused all this, yet
+lives: that's all: farewell.
+
+_Sir H._ Stay, madam, [_To_ LADY DARLING.] one word; is there no other
+way to redress your wrongs, but by fighting?
+
+_Lady D._ Only one, sir; which, if you can think of, you may do: you
+know the business I entertained you for.
+
+_Sir H._ I understand you, madam. [_Exit_ LADY DARLING.] Here am I
+brought to a very pretty dilemma. I must commit murder, or commit
+matrimony; which is the best now? a license from Doctors' Commons, or a
+sentence from the Old Bailey?--If I kill my man, the law hangs me; if
+I marry my woman, I shall hang myself.----But, damn it--cowards dare
+fight:--I'll marry, that's the most daring action of the two.   [_Exit._
+
+
+SCENE II.
+
+_Newgate._
+
+CLINCHER SENIOR, _solus_.
+
+
+_Clinch. sen._ How severe and melancholy are Newgate reflections! Last
+week my father died; yesterday I turned beau; to-day I am laid by the
+heels, and to-morrow shall be hung by the neck.----I was agreeing with a
+bookseller about printing an account of my journey through France and
+Italy; but now the history of my travels must be through Holborn, to
+Tyburn.--"The last dying speech of Beau Clincher, that was going to the
+Jubilee--Come, a halfpenny a-piece."--A sad sound, a sad sound, 'faith!
+'Tis one way to make a man's death make a great noise in the world.
+
+_Enter_ TOM ERRAND.
+
+A reprieve! a reprieve! thou dear, dear--damned rogue. Where have you
+been? Thou art the most welcome--son of a whore; where's my clothes?
+
+_Tom._ Sir, I see where mine are. Come, sir, strip, sir, strip.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Sir, you cannot master me, for I am twenty thousand
+strong.                                           [_Exeunt, struggling._
+
+
+SCENE III.
+
+LADY DARLING'S _House_.
+
+_Enter_ SIR H. WILDAIR, _with Cards_; SERVANTS _following_.
+
+
+_Sir H._ Here, fly all around, and bear these as directed; you to
+Westminster, you to St. James's, and you into the city. Tell all my
+friends, a bridegroom's joy invites their presence. Tell them, I am
+married. If any ask to whom, make no reply; but tell them, that I am
+married; that joy shall crown the day, and love the night. Begone, fly.
+
+_Enter_ COLONEL STANDARD.
+
+A thousand welcomes, friend; my pleasure's now complete, since I can
+share it with my friend: brisk joy shall bound from me to you; then back
+again; and, like the sun, grow warmer by reflection.
+
+_Colonel S._ You are always pleasant, Sir Harry; but this transcends
+yourself: whence proceeds it?
+
+_Sir H._ Canst thou not guess, my friend? Whence flows all earthly joy?
+What is the life of man, and soul of pleasure? Woman.----What fires the
+heart with transport, and the soul with raptures?--Lovely woman----What
+is the master-stroke and smile of the creation, but charming, virtuous
+woman?--Methinks, my friend, you relish not my joy. What is the cause?
+
+_Colonel S._ Canst thou not guess?--What is the bane of man, and scourge
+of life, but woman?--What is the heathenish idol man sets up, and is
+damned for worshipping? Treacherous woman.--Woman, whose composition
+inverts humanity; their bodies heavenly, but their souls are clay.
+
+_Sir H._ Come, come, colonel, this is too much: I know your wrongs
+received from Lurewell may excuse your resentment against her. But it is
+unpardonable to charge the failings of a single woman upon the whole
+sex. I have found one, whose virtues----
+
+_Colonel S._ So have I, Sir Harry; I have found one whose pride's above
+yielding to a prince. And if lying, dissembling, perjury, and falsehood,
+be no breaches in a woman's honour, she is as innocent as infancy.
+
+_Sir H._ Well, colonel, I find your opinion grows stronger by
+opposition; I shall now, therefore, wave the argument, and only beg you
+for this day to make a show of complaisance at least.--Here comes my
+charming bride.
+
+_Enter_ LADY DARLING _and_ ANGELICA.
+
+_Colonel S._ [_Saluting_ ANGELICA.] I wish you, madam, all the joys of
+love and fortune.
+
+_Enter_ CLINCHER JUNIOR.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Gentlemen and ladies, I'm just upon the spur, and have
+only a minute to take my leave.
+
+_Sir H._ Whither are you bound, sir?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Bound, sir! I'm going to the Jubilee, sir.
+
+_Lady D._ Bless me, cousin! how came you by these clothes?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Clothes! ha! ha! ha! the rarest jest! ha! ha! ha! I shall
+burst, by Jupiter Ammon--I shall burst.
+
+_Lady D._ What's the matter, cousin?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ The matter! ha! ha! Why, an honest porter, ha! ha! ha!
+has knocked out my brother's brains--ha! ha! ha!
+
+_Sir H._ A very good jest, i'faith--ha! ha! ha!
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Ay, sir; but the best jest of all is, he knocked out his
+brains with a hammer--and so he is as dead as a door-nail! ha! ha! ha!
+
+_Lady D._ And do you laugh, wretch?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Laugh! ha! ha! ha! let me see e'er a younger brother in
+England, that won't laugh at such a jest!
+
+_Ang._ You appeared a very sober, pious gentleman, some hours ago.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Pshaw! I was a fool then; but now, madam, I'm a wit; I
+can rake now. As for your part, madam, you might have had me once; but
+now, madam, if you should fall to eating chalk, or gnawing the sheets,
+it is none of my fault. Now, madam, I have got an estate, and I must go
+to the Jubilee.
+
+_Enter_ CLINCHER SENIOR, _in a Blanket_.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Must you so, rogue--must ye? You will go to the Jubilee,
+will you?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ A ghost! a ghost! send for the Dean and Chapter
+presently.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ A ghost! No, no, sirrah! I'm an elder brother, rogue.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ I don't care a farthing for that; I'm sure you're dead in
+law.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Why so, sirrah--why so?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Because, sir, I can get a fellow to swear he knocked out
+your brains.
+
+_Sir H._ An odd way of swearing a man out of his life!
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Smell him, gentlemen, he has a deadly scent about him.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Truly, the apprehensions of death may have made me savour
+a little. O lord! the Colonel! The apprehension of him may make the
+savour worse, I'm afraid.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ In short, sir, were you a ghost, or brother, or devil, I
+will go to the Jubilee, by Jupiter Ammon.
+
+_Colonel S._ Go to the Jubilee! go to the bear-garden. Get you to your
+native plough and cart; converse with animals like yourself, sheep and
+oxen: men are creatures you don't understand.
+
+_Enter a_ SERVANT, _who whispers_ WILDAIR.
+
+_Sir H._ Let them alone, colonel, their folly will be now diverting.
+Come, gentlemen, we'll dispute this point some other time.--Madam, shall
+I beg you to entertain the company in the next room for a moment?
+                                                     [_To_ LADY DARLING.
+
+_Lady D._ With all my heart----Come, gentlemen.
+                                              [_Exeunt all but_ WILDAIR.
+
+_Sir H._ A lady to inquire for me! Who can this be?
+
+_Enter_ LADY LUREWELL.
+
+Oh, madam, this favour is beyond my expectation--to come uninvited to
+dance at my wedding.----What d'ye gaze at, madam?
+
+_Lady L._ A monster--if thou'rt married, thou'rt the most perjured
+wretch that e'er avouch'd deceit.
+
+_Sir H._ Heyday! Why, madam, I'm sure I never swore to marry you: I
+made, indeed, a slight promise, upon condition of your granting me a
+small favour; but you would not consent, you know.
+
+_Lady L._ How he upbraids me with my shame!--Can you deny your binding
+vows, when this appears a witness against your falsehood! [_Shows a
+Ring._] Methinks the motto of this sacred pledge should flash confusion
+in your guilty face--Read, read here the binding words of love and
+honour--words not unknown to your perfidious tongue, though utter
+strangers to your treacherous heart.
+
+_Sir H._ The woman's stark staring mad, that's certain.
+
+_Lady L._ Was it maliciously designed to let me find my misery when past
+redress? To let me know you, only to know you false? Had not cursed
+chance showed me the motto, I had been happy: the first knowledge I had
+of you was fatal to me--and this second, worse.
+
+_Sir H._ What the devil is all this! Madam, I'm not at leisure for
+raillery at present, I have weighty affairs upon my hands: the business
+of pleasure, madam: any other time----                         [_Going._
+
+_Lady L._ Stay, I conjure you, stay.
+
+_Sir H._ 'Faith, I can't, my bride expects me; but harkye, when the
+honey-moon is over, about a month or two hence, I may do you a small
+favour.      [_Exit._
+
+_Lady L._ Grant me some wild expressions, Heavens, or I shall burst.
+Woman's weakness, man's falsehood, my own shame, and love's disdain, at
+once swell up my breast----Words, words, or I shall burst.     [_Going._
+
+_Enter_ COLONEL STANDARD.
+
+_Colonel S._ Stay, madam, you need not shun my sight; for if you are
+perfect woman, you have confidence to outface a crime, and bear the
+charge of guilt without a blush.
+
+_Lady L._ The charge of guilt! what, making a fool of you? I've done
+it, and glory in the act: dissembling to the prejudice of men, is
+virtue; and every look, or sign, or smile, or tear that can deceive, is
+meritorious.
+
+_Colonel S._ Very pretty principles, truly. If there be truth in woman,
+'tis now in thee. Come, madam, you know that you're discovered, and,
+being sensible that you cannot escape, you would now turn to bay. That
+ring, madam, proclaims you guilty.
+
+_Lady L._ O monster, villain, perfidious villain! Has he told you?
+
+_Colonel S._ I'll tell it you, and loudly too.
+
+_Lady L._ O, name it not----Yet, speak it out, 'tis so just a punishment
+for putting faith in man, that I will bear it all. Speak now, what his
+busy scandal, and your improving malice, both dare utter.
+
+_Colonel S._ Your falsehood can't be reached by malice nor by satire;
+your actions are the justest libel on your fame; your words, your looks,
+your tears, I did believe in spite of common fame. Nay, 'gainst mine own
+eyes, I still maintained your truth. I imagined Wildair's boasting of
+your favours to be the pure result of his own vanity: at last he urged
+your taking presents of him; as a convincing proof of which, you
+yesterday from him received that ring, which ring, that I might be sure
+he gave it, I lent him for that purpose.
+
+_Lady L._ Ha! you lent it him for that purpose!
+
+_Colonel S._ Yes, yes, madam, I lent it him for that purpose----No
+denying it--I know it well, for I have worn it long, and desire it now,
+madam, to restore it to the just owner.
+
+_Lady L._ The just owner! Think, sir, think but of what importance 'tis
+to own it: if you have love and honour in your soul, 'tis then most
+justly yours; if not, you are a robber, and have stolen it basely.
+
+_Colonel S._ Ha! your words, like meeting flints, have struck a light,
+to show me something strange----But tell me instantly, is not your real
+name Manly?
+
+_Lady L._ Answer me first: did not you receive this ring about twelve
+years ago?
+
+_Colonel S._ I did.
+
+_Lady L._ And were not you about that time entertained two nights at the
+house of Sir Oliver Manly, in Oxfordshire?
+
+_Colonel S._ I was! I was! [_Runs to her, and embraces her._] The blest
+remembrance fires my soul with transport----I know the rest----you are
+the charming she, and I the happy man.
+
+_Lady L._ How has blind fortune stumbled on the right? But where have
+you wandered since?--'Twas cruel to forsake me.
+
+_Colonel S._ The particulars of my fortune are too tedious now: but to
+discharge myself from the stain of dishonour, I must tell you, that
+immediately upon my return to the university, my elder brother and I
+quarrelled: my father, to prevent farther mischief, posts me away to
+travel: I wrote to you from London, but fear the letter came not to your
+hands.
+
+_Lady L._ I never had the least account of you by letter, or otherwise.
+
+_Colonel S._ Three years I lived abroad, and at my return, found you
+were gone out of the kingdom, though none could tell me whither: missing
+you thus, I went to Flanders, served my king till the peace commenced;
+then fortunately going on board at Amsterdam, one ship transported us
+both to England. At the first sight I loved, though ignorant of the
+hidden cause----You may remember, madam, that, talking once of marriage,
+I told you I was engaged--to your dear self I meant.
+
+_Lady L._ Then men are still most generous and brave--and, to reward
+your truth, an estate of three thousand pounds a year waits your
+acceptance; and, if I can satisfy you in my past conduct, I shall
+expect the honourable performance of your promise, and that you will
+stay with me in England.
+
+_Colonel S._ Stay--Nor fame, nor glory e'er shall part us more. My
+honour can be no where more concerned than here.
+
+_Enter_ SIR H. WILDAIR _and_ ANGELICA.
+
+Oh, Sir Harry! Fortune has acted miracles to-day: the story's strange
+and tedious, but all amounts to this--that woman's mind is charming as
+her person, and I am made a convert too to beauty.
+
+_Sir H._ I wanted only this, to make my pleasure perfect.
+
+_Enter_ SMUGGLER.
+
+_Smug._ So, gentlemen and ladies, I'm glad to find you so merry; is my
+gracious nephew among ye?
+
+_Sir H._ Sir, he dares not show his face among such honourable company;
+for your gracious nephew is--
+
+_Smug._ What, sir? Have a care what you say.
+
+_Sir H._ A villain, sir.
+
+_Smug._ With all my heart. I'll pardon you the beating me, for that very
+word. And pray, Sir Harry, when you see him next, tell him this news
+from me, that I have disinherited him--that I will leave him as poor as
+a disbanded quarter-master.--Oh, Sir Harry, he is as hypocritical----
+
+_Lady L._ As yourself, Mr. Alderman. How fares my good old nurse, pray,
+sir?----Come, Mr. Alderman, for once let a woman advise:--Would you be
+thought an honest man, banish covetousness, that worst gout of age:
+avarice is a poor pilfering quality, of the soul, and will, as certainly
+cheat, as a thief would steal. Would you be thought a reformer of the
+times, be less severe in your censures, less rigid in your precepts, and
+more strict in your example.
+
+_Sir H._ Right, madam, virtue flows freer from imitation than
+compulsion; of which, colonel, your conversion and mine, are just
+examples.
+
+  In vain are musty morals taught in schools,
+  By rigid teachers, and as rigid rules,
+  Where virtue with a frowning aspect stands,
+  And frights the pupil from its rough commands
+  But woman----
+  Charming woman can true converts make,
+  We love the precept for the teacher's sake.
+  Virtue in them appears so bright, so gay,
+  We hear with transport, and with pride obey.          [_Exeunt omnes._
+
+
+
+
+      *      *      *      *      *      *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's note:
+
+The text includes a number of words with alternate spellings or
+spellings no longer common. These have been retained. A single
+instance of dy'e was changed to match the otherwise usual d'ye.
+
+The following additional changes were made to the text:
+
+Act II, Scene III, (Colonel Standard)
+I ha'n't vered half my message
+was changed to read:
+I ha'n't delivered half my message.
+
+Act IV, Scene II, (Lady Lurewell)
+This must be Sir Harry; tell him I am not be spoken with.
+was changed to read:
+This must be Sir Harry; tell him I am not to be spoken with.
+
+
+
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