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diff --git a/32629-8.txt b/32629-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..068c156 --- /dev/null +++ b/32629-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1622 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 93, +July 9, 1887., by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 93, July 9, 1887. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: May 31, 2010 [EBook #32629] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH-CHARIVARI, JULY 9, 1887 *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + PUNCH, + + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOLUME 93. + + * * * * * + + JULY 9, 1887. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +OPERATIC CONFUSION. + +I went on Saturday to hear the three operatic novelties so liberally +provided for us on the same night by Messrs. MAPLESON, LAGO and HARRIS. +I do not mix my liquors, and I endeavour, as a rule, to keep to the same +lyrical drama throughout the evening; nor is it my fault if a good dose +of strong BEETHOVEN, sweetened with GOUNOD and flavoured with MEYERBEER +had, on the occasion in question, a somewhat confusing effect on my +brain. At Her Majesty's, LILLI LEHMANN was all right as _Leonora_: not +_Leonora_ of _La Favorita_, but _Leonora_ the favourite wife of +_Manrico_--no, not of _Manrico_, but of another personage who, like the +unfortunate _Trovatore_, has to be rescued by his loving spouse from the +tyranny of a powerful baritone; whether VERDI'S _Count di Luna_ or +SHERIDAN'S _Pizarro_, I cannot just now call to mind. Mlle. LEHMANN is +not only a fine singer, but also a serious dramatic artist; and the +public was deeply impressed by her performance. She is a LEHMANN with +all the earnestness of a good clergyman; not that she had taken orders +as I (Box No. 70) had done. + +From Her Majesty's Theatre, I drove in a rapid Hansom to Drury Lane. I +had told the cabman to take me to the Royal Italian Opera, and I was +about to remonstrate with him for conveying me to the wrong house, when +he promptly explained that there were now two Royal Italian Operas, one +at Covent Garden, the other at Drury Lane. New source of confusion! +"Confusion worse confounded!" as MILTON observes. + +"How far have they got?" I inquired as I entered the theatre. + +"_Valentine's_ death scene," replied my friend. + +"_Valentine_ does not die, my dear fellow; _Valentine_ only faints," I +answered, I was thinking of course, of the new dramatic soprano, Mlle. +SANDRA, in _Les Huguenots_. + +"You are evidently not an Opera-goer," I continued, "or you would know +that no one dies in this work, except, of course, in the last Act. But +that is always left out." + +"Wrong again!" exclaimed JONES, with an amused look. "AUGUSTUS HARRIS +restores the last Act. See his prospectus." + +"Well, never mind that. Is _Ella Russell_ singing the part of _Queen +Margaret_ as well as ever?" + +"I did not know that _Margaret_ was a Queen. I always thought she was of +humble origin. The part in any case is being played by Mlle. NORDICA." + +Determined to be no longer the victim of mystification, I wished JONES +good-bye, and hurrying in, found the curtain down. Afraid now to ask +what was being played, I waited patiently for the next Act, and when at +last the curtain went up, I found to my astonishment that some +representation entirely new to me was taking place. Will-o'-the-Wisps on +a dark back-ground. That was all I saw. I asked myself whether I had +gone mad, or whether the Drury Lane Pantomime was being played a little +earlier than usual. Then the dark scene gave place to a scene of great +brilliancy. There was a throne at the back of the stage, and again my +thoughts reverted to the _Huguenots_, and I fancied I could recognise +_Queen Margaret_. But her features were not the features of ELLA +RUSSELL. Besides, ELLA RUSSELL does not dance, not at least on the +Operatic stage; and this lady did. + +"This is HELEN," said a gentleman in a stall on my right to a lady by +his side. Here was at least a clue; and when at the same moment the +baritone DE RESZKE stepped out of a group attired in the garb of +_Mephistopheles_, I said to myself that the performance had been +changed, and this was the last Act of BOÏTO'S _Mefistofele_, with new +details, or at least details that I had not noticed when the work was +performed at Her Majesty's Theatre and at Covent Garden. Now dancing +began in earnest, and I wondered much at the never-failing ingenuity of +Mr. AUGUSTUS HARRIS, who with a score of first-rate singers in his +Company, had nevertheless found himself compelled (probably at five +minutes' notice,) to change an Opera into a _ballet_. It reminded me of +a certain operatic Manager, who, being suddenly deprived of the services +of most of his vocalists, announced in his programme, that in +consequence of the departure of his principal singers, the music of _Don +Giovanni_, would be "replaced, for that night only, by lively and +expressive pantomime." + +When, however, _Mephistopheles_ DE RESZKE and _Faust_ DE RESZKE both +began to sing, I saw that my supposition was untenable. + +"What you have seen," said JONES, who meanwhile had come in, and who now +occupied a seat on my left, "is not _Mefistofele_ at all. It is GOUNOD'S +additional Ballet Scene for _Faust_. 'Dramatic _Divertissement_' it +ought to be called. Beautiful grouping, picturesque costumes, +magnificent scenery, delightful dance music! But you ought not to have +missed the new _Valentine_. That was a great mistake." I looked at my +watch. "Time enough for the new _Valentine_ even now," I reflected; and +I went over as fast as I could to Covent Garden. + +Here there was a new _Valentine_ surely enough. A Russian lady, I was +told. Not a bit like the Russian ladies one has seen in _Fedora_, the +_Pink Pearl_, the _Red Lamp_, and other dramatic misrepresentations of +Russian life. But Mlle. SANDRA, or Mlle. PANAEFF, or whatever her name +may be, was not playing the part of a female Nihilist. She was +impersonating a well-bred, Catholic young lady of the Sixteenth Century. +JONES subsequently informed me that it was not Mlle. SANDRA'S +_Valentine_ that I ought to have seen, but VICTOR MAUREL'S, at the other +house. + + * * * * * + +NOTE AT THE GUILDHALL.--Now we know what the City Marshal has to do. We +saw him in his warlike costume, bareheaded, marshalling the carriages of +the Great Personages on their departure, and capitally he did it. Not a +single name was pronounced incorrectly. Everybody came up to time, and +got away comfortably. On these occasions, the City Marshal is a sort of +Glorified Linkman. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LATEST FROM LORD'S. + +_Land Bill._ "WELL, ANYHOW, YOU CARRIED YOUR BAT." _Crimes Bill._ "YES; +BUT YOU'LL FIND THE BOWLING AWFULLY HOT."] + + * * * * * + +SCENE--_The Cricket Field. The Bell has rung for the Second Innings._ +Mr. LAND BILL _is just going to the wickets, and pauses to exchange a +word or two with_ Mr. CRIMES BILL, _who has had so long an innings in +the earlier part of the match_. + + _Crimes Bill (taking it easy on his bat)._ Hello, L. B. my lad, + you're going in? + + _L. B. (buttoning his gloves nervously)._ Ye--e--s. Captain's orders! + + _C. B._ Well, I hope you'll win. + + _L. B._ I'll do my best; can Cricketer do more? + + _C. B._ No. But, by Jove! you'll find it hard to score. + + _L. B._ What? Bowling killing? + + _C. B._ Beastly! Talk of "shying"? + CROSSLAND'S a lamb to HEALY. + + _L. B._ Ah! that's trying. + But then they haven't got a SHAW, Sir, surely? + + _C. B._ No; but, by Jingo! they have more--a MORLEY! + Straight on the middle stump. And then old GLAD + Breaks awful, right and left, and shoots like mad. + I say they ought to be disqualified + For unfair bowling. + + _L. B._ Humph! that game's been tried; + But Umpire doesn't always seem to see it. + + _C. B._ Ah! Umpires are such funkers. + + _L. B._ Well, so be it. + Must do my best. What sort of wickets? + + _C. B._ Crumbling. + Must meet the ball with a straight bat; no fumbling, + Or out you go! + + _L. B._ And how's the fielding? + + _C. B._ Dicky! + 'Tis there you'll have the pull that wickets sticky + Or cut up, through the influence of weather, + Can't neutralise. _They're never all together._ + Some run like hares, some throw in like a Krupp; + But what they fail in is in "backing up." + + _L. B._ Thanks be! I see my chance then. If they're loose + In fielding I can slog 'em to the doose. + + _C. B._ But don't take liberties, my lad. No jumps + In for a drive; they're always on the stumps. + And then their wicket-keeper's like a cat. + + _L. B._ Well, anyhow _you_ carried out your bat, + Despite the lot of them. Can "_crack_" do more? + + _C. B. (significantly)._ Yes!--I kept up my stumps, but + _could not score_! + A "Not out, nothing" may be meritorious, + And very useful, but 'tis hardly glorious, + A stolid SCOTTON'S worth his salt, at need; + But, after all, he's not a GRACE or READ. + _You_'ll have to hit, as well as guard your wicket, + If you'd be popular. Blocking is not Cricket! + + _L. B._ Humph! no, not quite. My orders are to score + And bring the House down. + + _C. B._ That will cause a roar + When you take back your bat to the Pavilion. + A Cricketer must smite to please the Million. + + * * * * * + +ROUTLEDGE'S _Jubilee Guide to London_, is good, not only for such a +"high old time" as the Jubilee Week, but for the next three years or so +until the streets are re-named and a few new thoroughfares opened up. +The illustrations are excellent. There is only one objection to this +Guide as a companion, and that is it is rather too large. No Guide to be +useful should be bigger than the Handy-Volume Shakspeare size, +originally started at 85, Fleet Street. Some of the French Guides, not +the regiment, but the little books, JOANNE'S Series, are models in this +respect. + + * * * * * + +PHILIPS' _Handy Volume Atlas_ is about the right size. "The World," it +is often said, "is a small place;" but for all that, it does not go so +easily in a tail-coat pocket, where Mr. PHILIPS' _Atlas_ can be +conveniently carried. It is an invaluable companion for everyday +newspaper reading. _Happy Thought_ for Travellers, to whom this little +volume is recommended, "PHILIPS on his way through the World." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH. + +_Our Artist (showing his last and most important Picture, the work of +years)._ "YES, I SHOULD LIKE TO _EXHIBIT_ IT; BUT I DON'T WANT TO _SELL_ +IT, YOU KNOW--AT LEAST NOT TILL TIMES ARE BETTER." + +_Friend._ "WELL, WHY NOT SEND IT TO THE EXHIBITION, AND PUT A +PROHIBITIVE PRICE UPON IT--SAY TWENTY POUNDS?!"] + + * * * * * + +TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING. + +(_Meteorological forecast for the Month._) + +_6th._--Queen's Weather continues. Raspberry crop fails. Strawberries +sold by auction in Covent Garden Market, and fetch two guineas each. + +_13th._--Queen's Weather still continues. All the grass in Hyde Park +turns brown, and suddenly disappears. Vegetables generally sell at +famine prices. Riot of Dukes attempting to secure a bundle of late +asparagus from a fashionable West End greengrocer's, suppressed by the +police. + +_17th._--Queen's Weather as settled as ever. Great drought commences. +London Water Companies cut off their supply. Five o'clock tea in +Belgravia made from boiled soda-water. Apollinaris supplied in buckets, +for washing purposes, at the rate of twenty guineas the dozen pint +bottles. + +_21st._--Queen's Weather showing no signs of departure, fifteen +umbrella-manufacturers go through the Bankruptcy Court, and commit +suicide. Dust in London becomes intolerable. A Nobleman in Mayfair has +Piccadilly watered with BASS'S India Pale Ale. + +_27th._--Queen's Weather established. The Thames runs dry between +Vauxhall and Westminster. The SPEAKER gives a garden-party in the bed of +the river. _Café noir_, made of ink, served as a refreshment. + +_31st._--Queen's Weather still continuing, seventeen ginger-beer +manufacturers who have become _millionnaires_ are raised to the +Peerage. The LORD MAYOR goes off his head, and, imagining that he is the +Old Pump at Aldgate, is removed, by general consent, to Colney Hatch. + + * * * * * + +FLOREAT MASCHERA! + +A GREAT deal of curiosity has been expressed about the Gray's Inn _Maske +of Flowers_, which has puzzled a number of people. The better informed +have replied, when asked, "What _was_ it?" "Oh, don't you know what a +Maske is? Why _Comus_ was a Maske, don't you know?" To save time and +temper, _Mr. Punch_ begs to inform all inquirers that:-- + +1. "Gray's Inn" is the Inn where the poet GRAY always stopped when he +came to town. It has always been associated with Poets. + +2. This _Maske of Flowers_ is not Mr. CYRIL FLOWER, M.P.'s. + +3. It is highly improbable that the Benchers of the Four Inns of Court +will appear in Fancy Costume at four o'clock in the morning, and +serenade the occupants of the Western Face of Gray's Inn Square from the +Gardens. + +4. The Maske is not so called from everybody in Gray's Inn appearing in +"big heads." + +5. The LORD CHANCELLOR is not introduced as Harlequin, and does not +dance a _pas seul_ with "Mr. SOLICITOR," founded upon some of the more +intricate steps of the _pavan_, or peacock's strut. + +6. That it is not the duty of the Master of the Revels to teach the +Masters of the Bench how to execute with spirit a Morisco. + +Having said what the Maske will _not_ be, _Mr. Punch_ goes a step +further--and stops, thinking it will be better to reserve particulars +until after the Performance. + + * * * * * + +EVERY Etonian ought to go to the Gaiety and hear Mr. MERRIVALE'S new +piece, of which Mrs. BROWN-POTTER is the heroine. Why ought every +Etonian to do this? We forgot to mention that the name of the play is +_Civil Warre_. (If it isn't so spelt, it ought to be.) + + * * * * * + +ROYALTY AT THE PALACE. + +[Illustration: Cockney notion of A-making.] + +A HARD-WORKING three weeks has H.R.H. had of it. Morning, noon, and +night, here, there, and everywhere. _Mr. Punch_ was glad to see that +H.R.H. took his advice, given last week, and immediately visited the +Crystal Palace. The Fireworks were first-rate. The Prospect was +brilliant. Good omen for the C.P. If the B.P. could only get to the +C.P. in twenty minutes from Victoria, by Palace trains every twenty-five +minutes after a certain time in the afternoon, the future chances of +prosperity for the Palace would be considerably increased. By the way, +we thought we noticed some people, who had nothing to do with the +fireworks, speaking to the Lighters--the de-lighters--while in the +execution of their duty. If so, this ought to be stopped, and a notice +put up,--"You are requested not to speak to the Man at the (Catherine) +Wheel." + + * * * * * + +JILLS IN OFFICE. + +SCENE--_Portion of a Stationer's Shop, used as Post Office. Two Young +Ladies (let them be distinguished as_ Miss CROSS and Miss ORTY) +_discovered behind wire-screen. At opening of scene, the public is +composed exclusively of the gentler sex, and the demeanour of_ Miss C. +and Miss O. _though firm, is not positively forbidding. Lady Customers, +having despatched their business move away, leaving the coast clear to +three_ MILD MEN, _who advance to screen with a meekness designed to +propitiate. Instant transformation in both_ Miss C. and Miss O., _who +gaze at them through screen with air of visitors at the Zoo who are not +fond of animals_. + +_First Mild Man (with apologetic cough)._ Oh, good-day! [_Slight pause._ + +_Miss Cross to Miss Orty (in continuation of an interrupted anecdote)._ +Yes, I said it to him just like that--it made me so wild! + +_Miss Orty._ I shouldn't have taken any notice if it had been me. + +_First M. M._ Can you oblige me with six stamps, if you please? + +[Miss Orty, _without looking at him, opens drawer, tears off six stamps, +and tosses them contemptuously underneath the screen_. + +_Second Mild Man._ Oh, I beg your pardon, I just called in to +inquire---- (Miss C. and Miss O. _regard him stonily, which has effect +of disconcerting him to some extent_). I--I ... there were some books I +sent off by Parcels Post from this Office the other day ... you may +remember it?--they were all in white wrappers. (Miss C. _and_ Miss O. +_wear the resigned look of people who feel themselves in for a dull +story_.) Some of my friends, er--I have been given to understand, that +two of the parcels have--well, failed to arrive as yet.... Could you +kindly---- + +_Miss O. to Miss C. (with lifted eyebrows)._ Know anything about the +books? + +_Miss C. shakes her head in scornful repudiation, whereupon Miss Orty +selects a printed form, which she jerks towards Second M. M._ Fill up +that, and send it in to the Postmaster-General. + +_Second M. M._ But are you quite sure they have not been mislaid _here_? +You see they are small books, and it struck me perhaps--er---- + +_Miss O._ Any remarks you have to make can be put in the form. + +_Second M. M._ Quite so--but if you could only tell me---- + +_Miss O._ Can't do any more than I have done. (_To First M. M._) I gave +you your stamps some time ago, didn't I? + +_First M. M._ Oh, yes--yes, I had the stamps, thank you. But--but (_with +manner of man who is compelled to enter on a painful subject_) there was +my change--I--I gave you half a sovereign. + +_Miss O. (with cold suspicion)._ Don't remember it. You should have +spoke about it at the time--but of course, if you say you haven't had +it--I suppose---- + +[_Deals out his change as if it was more than he had any right to +expect._ + +_Second M. M._ One moment--am I to leave this form with you? + +_Miss C._ No. Send it to the General Post Office in the regular +way--they'll attend to it. You'll find all the directions there if you +take the trouble to look. + +_Second M. M._ Thank you _very_ much. Good morning. + +[Miss C. _and_ Miss O. _naturally take no notice of this piece of +familiarity, and_ Second M. M. _departs crushed, and gradually realises +that he is slightly annoyed_. + +_Third M. M. (presenting a telegram)._ Will you send this off at once, +please? + +_Miss Orty (takes the form, and runs a disparaging eye over it, rather +as if it were an unwelcome love-letter from some detested adorer)._ +"Post mortem's" _two_ words. + +_Third M. M._ I have no objection--but it's rather important. I want it +delivered, and _soon_. + +_Miss O._ You must put the address more full than "Rumbo," then. + +_Third M. M._ But the telegraphic address is registered "Rumbo." + +_Miss O. (who seems to consider_ "Rumbo" _somewhat too frivolous_). +Well, if you like to leave it so, I can _send_ it--it's at your risk. +(_She leaves the form on the counter._) Eightpence-halfpenny. + +_Enter_ Footman, _with parcel_. + +_Footman._ How much to pay on this, Miss, please? + +[Miss Cross _takes it reluctantly, slaps it down on scales with infinite +contempt, flings in weights, and then tosses a stamp and label to_ +Footman, _with the brief remark, "Fourpence," spoken aggressively_. +Footman, _after paying his fourpence, and gazing from stamp to label in +a hopeless manner, opens his mouth twice, and withdraws, too intimidated +to ask for further instructions_. + +_Miss C. (still occupied with her anecdote)._ I _should_ laugh if he +came again next Sunday, just the same--shouldn't you? + +_Miss O._ I'd let him see I wasn't going to put up with it, I know! + +_Miss C._ Oh, he'll find out he won't have things all his way. +(_Perceives_ First M. M. _evidently awaiting her leisure_.) Was there +anything else you were waiting for? + +_First M. M._ Er--yes. Can you let me have a Postal Order for +six-and-sixpence? + +_Miss C. (with decision)._ No, I can't! + +_First M. M. (surprised)._ But surely----! + +_Miss C._ Give you two--one for five shillings, and one for +eighteen-pence, if _that_ will do? + +_First M. M._ Of course, that's what I meant! + +_Miss Cross._ It's not what you _said_--you said _a_ order. (_Makes out +the orders with much disdain._) Three-halfpence to pay. + +_Second M. M. (returning)._ Oh, I quite forgot--will you kindly cash +this order for me? + +_Miss O._ Not till you've signed it. + +_Second M. M._ Bless my heart, I quite forgot it ought to be signed! +Could you oblige me with a pen for one moment? + +_Miss O._ There's a desk over there for all that. + +_Second M. M._ I--I thought if you would let me sign it here, it would +save time--the desk is occupied at present I observe. + +_Miss O. (dabs a pen in the inkstand, and pushes it disdainfully through +the wire net-work.)_ Give it back when you've finished with it. + +[_She is apparently alarmed lest it should be secured as a Souvenir._ + +_Enter_ Imperious Customer, _and approaches screen with lordly air_. + +_Imperious Customer (blusterously)._ Here you--one of you, let me have a +penny stamp, and a packet of thin post-cards, and two half-penny +wrappers, will you? and look sharp! + +_Miss C. and Miss O. (becoming instantly all smiles.)_ Certainly, Sir. +(_They vie with one another in activity._) Postcards in that drawer ... +I'll get the wrappers--ninepence-halfpenny, Sir, and thank you. Good +morning, Sir. + +[_Exit_ Imperious Stranger _snatching up his purchases and ignoring +parting smiles from behind the screen_. Mild Men _store up the lesson +for use on future occasions. Scene closes in_. + + * * * * * + +How's That? + + "THE A B C of Cricket you must get," + Says a great Critic, "if you would succeed." + _Punch_ then presumes 'tis by that Alphabet + A Cricketer may learn to (WALTER) READ! + + * * * * * + +COINS OF THE REALM.--'ARRY remarks that the Tories are led by a "Bob" +(CECIL), the Parnellites can boast the possession of a "TANNER," whilst +the Liberal Unionists make the most of their "JOEY." + + * * * * * + +ON THE JAR.--The French have a proverb, "_il faut qu'une porte soit +ouverte ou fermée_." This evidently does not apply to the Sublime Porte, +which seems generally "neither one thing nor t' other." + + * * * * * + +IT was settled at the last meet of the Coaching Club that Mr. EATON, +M.P., the new Peer, is to be crowned not with laurels, but with his own +bays. + + * * * * * + +THE BARD AT HENLEY. + +(_A Reminiscence._) + +[Illustration: Retirement after the Jubilee Fortnight. + "Far from the Madding Crowd."] + + OH, Friday was lovely! The Bard who now sings + Saw Princes, Princesses, a Duke, and two Kings, + His Indian Highness, called RAS KUTCH THAKORE, + NAWAB GAFFER JUNG and several more. + + They saw the best racing, then went to lunch with + The Closuring Commoner, our Mr. SMITH. + 'Twas Jubilee Weather! the Course was well kept! + Oh, champagne! and Oh, headache! I sighed--and then slept. + + I awoke, to find all my companions gone, + And I, like the Rose, was left blooming alone. + So I plunged in the freshening stream--down, down, down + I dived, and I dived, then I came up--to town. + + * * * * * + +A CASE AGAINST THE POLICE.--This was Miss CASE, who being arrested by a +Constable, was Miss-taken for somebody else. Gallant JOSEPHUS +CHAMBERLANIUS of the Orchid Squad has come to the rescue, and the +"MATTHEWS-at-Home" Secretary granted an inquiry. Before this paragraph +appears, the Public may be in possession of the truth. Justice must be +done, or the young woman may become Case-hardened. But whatever the +result may be, the Magistrate should study and get by heart, _Newton's +Principia_. + + * * * * * + +GARDEN, LANE, AND MARKET. + +[Illustration: Note from "Mr. G." to Madame Albani.] + +"MR. G."--the upper G.--went to hear _Puritani_ on Thursday night. Of +course he called on Madame ALBANI, and sang a few of the songs just to +give "Signor G." a hint. When the First Act was over, and the Closure +was moved by the Act-drop descending, Mr. G. went into the Lobby, and +voted with the Government of Covent Garden. Mr. G. was seen to be +several times in animated conversation with Mr. HALL, who was decorated +with a Covent Garden Order, and was wearing a _Shirtcollerado +Gladstonensis_ in his button-hole. It is, we believe, quite untrue that +Mr. HALL has refused to take office--box office--in the next Liberal +Cabinet; but whether he will be made an Extra Knight or not is still +uncertain. Mr. GYE is very Earnest about it, and at present we can say +no more except that the performance of _I Puritani_ was first-rate, as +naturally it would be, with ALBANI, enthusiastically received, GAYARRÉ, +and D'ANDRADE. There were numerous _encores_, and the applause was +bestowed with a warmth which increased the temperature considerably. + +_At Drury Lane._--A prettier and sweeter voiced _Zerlina_ than Miss +ARNOLDSON, has not been seen or heard for some time. We must not venture +on comparisons, but in two respects Miss ARNOLDSON has the advantage +over Madame PATTI (who was singing in _Traviata_ on Friday night at the +Colonel's Opera House) but one of these is not voice. M. MAUREL played +and sang the im-Maurel _Don Giovanni_ admirably, and CIAMPI as +_Mazetto_, looked and acted like LIONEL BROUGH. A good performance. + +[Illustration: "Approbation from Mr. P. is praise indeed!"] + + * * * * * + +"LONG EXPECTED COME AT LAST!" + +THE Imperial Institute has commenced. The first stone has been laid by +Her Gracious MAJESTY, and the Prince of WALES is sanguine as to the +result. The Institute is to be a House and Home, with gardens attached, +for special use of our Indian and Colonial cousins visiting England, and +it is also intended to keep perpetually before the eyes of the British +Public specimens of Indian and Colonial industry. To so useful a scheme +_Mr. Punch_ wishes every success. + +Per varios casus, per tot discrimina rerum, +Tendimus in--Kensington. + +The subjoined list of the Procession as it ought to have been, was +probably altered at the last moment; but there is no doubt it would have +been effective as it stood, or rather as it moved on:-- + + Australian Lambs. Organising Committee Mr. BOEHM, R.A., and + The Master of the with various Mr. GOSCHEN with + Mint. Organs. new coinage tossing heads. + + Sir FREDERICK LEIGHTON, P.R.A., drawing himself. + + Groom of the Bedchamber "Lord's" in Waiting + (on towel-horse). (Oxford and Cambridge Eleven). + + The Rajah of SHAMPOOAH, with Order of the Turkish Bath. + + THE QUEEN. + + Her ROYAL HIGHNESS H.R.H. Prince of WALES, K.G. + The Princess of WALES. ("K.G.," _i.e._, "Kensington Gained.") + + Any Kings and Queens who may be left in Town. + + Master of the Horse Ladies in Waiting Mistress of the Robes + on a Buck-jumper. to be asked. ("dressing up.") + + Lots of Sticks in A Serene Grand "Mr. G," as "Umbrella + Waiting (with banners Transparency in Waiting." + of Advertisements (personally (N.B.--This is "Collar + in _Era_.) illuminated day.") + by Mr. BROCK.) + + Any number of Trumpeters blowing their own Trumpets. + + Little Indian Pickles, GEO. AUGUSTUS SALA, Australian Wines, + led, with taste, by with "Echoes," and headed by Sir + Sir P. CUNLIFFE driving four Quills "WILL SOMERS" + OWEN. at once. VINE. + + Mr. LEWIS MORRIS, with his Ode Colonial, accompanied by + Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN, on a Grand Piano. + + Mr. HENRY IRVING. Mr. J. L. TOOLE. + (Last appearance in London (Last appearance in London + previous to his departure previous Aix-les-Bains.) + for America.) + + + Right Hon. W. H. SMITH, with banner of "Closure." + +At a signal from the Archbishop the Chorus will strike up-- + + The great Imperial Institoot, + In Kensington has taken root, + And as a tree up may it shoot! + Our Institoot, Our Institoot! + +Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN was so overcome by this inspiration, that after +reading it, he could not compose himself. "No," he exclaimed, "I cannot +invent music which should be a worthy setting for so precious a gem! +Give me something more simple," and so it came about that Mr. LEWIS +MORRIS'S poem was chosen. Whether the above-quoted beautiful _chorale_ +was written by the Earl of R-SSL-N, whose little Jubilee volume of poems +has so enchanted a select circle, or by another titled and +unprofessional poet, is a secret which wild horses should not make us +divulge. Hooray for the Institoot! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GETTING ONE'S MONEY'S WORTH. + +_She._ "WHAT'S THE GOOD OF SPENDING ALL OUR SUNDAY AFTERNOONS IN WALKING +ROUND THE SQUARE, WHERE THERE'S NEVER A SOUL AND HARDLY A TREE TO SPEAK +OF, AND WHEN THERE'S THE PARK CLOSE BY?" + +_He._ "WHAT'S THE GOOD OF HAVING TO PAY A GUINEA A YEAR FOR THE USE OF +THE SQUARE, IF WE DON'T USE IT AS OFTEN AS WE CAN, I SHOULD LIKE TO +KNOW?"] + + * * * * * + +THE NEW, AND BAD, "HATCH." + +_Mr. Punch loquitur_:-- + + WELL, PARTLET, old hen, here's a pretty fiasco + The Poultry profession seems going to pot. + You might search the whole kingdom, from Greenwich to Glasgow, + And never encounter an uglier lot. + They're crooked, and cranky, and wry-neck'd, and lanky; + I cannot discover one point that is good. + What, join in your cackle of triumph? No, thankye! + We can't accept _this_ as a Jubilee brood. + + I did expect something a little bit better + From one some crack up as the pride of the House. + Of decentish broods you have been a begetter, + And, though you are dowdy, I thought you had _nous_. + But these scraggy scramblers, ill-fledged and ill-fashioned? + By Jingo, old bird, they're a perfect disgrace. + No wonder the public disgust grows impassioned; + They simply degrade a respectable race. + + Just think of the beauties, the silver and gold chicks, + That often have left that identical coop! + I'm sure there's not one of those comely, plump, bold chicks + That would not despise _this_ contemptible troop. + They look like the work of a villanous vamper. + Just take a glance at 'em, my PARTLET, I beg; + They've too much top-hamper, they scarcely can scamper. + A shabbier brood, PARTLET, never chipped egg. + + Pray how do you think that the Fancy will class them, + So scraggy, and leggy, and bandy, and bald? + You'll find it most difficult, PARTLET, to pass them; + In fact, 'tis a pity they can't be recalled. + I'm really ashamed of 'em; so, Ma'am, should you be. + The kindliest hen-wife would banish the batch. + What? Say one word for 'em? Now, don't be a booby: + You must be aware they're a precious Bad Hatch! + + * * * * * + +RALEIGH TOO BAD. + +SIR WALTER RALEIGH'S old house at Brixton Rise, _Punch_ hears, "is about +to be sold by public auction", and the surrounding twelve acres of +"nobly-timbered park", given over--of course, like so much else in that +once leafy suburb--to the untender mercies of the Jerry Builder. Too +bad! In the olden days, QUEEN BESS used to be rowed in her barge up the +Effra (which now, like the Mole, "runneth underground", hidden by earth +and brickwork, but, not long since, was a visible stream) to visit Sir +WALTER at what was _then_ his Country House. There were no Interviewers +in those happy days, else would a "Sir WALTER RALEIGH At Home", with +"Gloriana" as his guest, be toothsome reading. And shall JUGSON, the +Jerry-builder, with his mud-bricks and slime-mortar, his warped timber +and his peeling stucco, banish even the memories of the great +Elizabethans from their ancient haunts? Forbid it, O Spirit of the +Jubilee Year! Let the Jubilators RALEIGH--we mean _rally_, round +RALEIGH'S old Mansion,-- + + "Let not his house who witched Old England's eyes + Before base JUGSON fall on Brixton Rise." + + * * * * * + +BEN TROVATO AGAIN.--When the Papal Envoy arrived, His Eminence had +several mansions placed at his disposal. The one he fancied most was +that offered by Mr. H. LABOUCHERE, M.P., with the appropriate +designation of "POPE'S Villa, Twickenham." + + * * * * * + +A Hard-worked Official. + + LORD CHAMBERLAIN LATHOM, exhausted is he + After this season of Jubilee. + "Farewell to my cares at holiday-tide," + Says LATHOM aloud, when he'll _lay them aside_. + + * * * * * + +As to the Mission of Monsignor PERSICO to Ireland, an Horatian +Nationalist wrote--"PERSICO'S odi." And he probably does dislike it. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW "HATCH." + +MR. P. "AH! THEY'RE AN AWFULLY UGLY LOT! I _DID_ THINK THE OLD +GAUCHE-HEN--(AHEM!)--WOULD HA' DONE BETTER THAN THAT!!" + +[_Exit sadly._]] + + * * * * * + +THE LAST VISIT (BUT ONE) TO THE ACADEMY. + +[Illustration: No. 518. Left Leg Shrunk.] + +[Illustration: No. 624. Her Serene Transparency.] + +[Illustration: No. 413. Hard Hit in a Town and Gown Row.] + +[Illustration: No. 647. What can we do with the Baby?] + +[Illustration: No. 623. Warming his Back against the Soup Tureen.] + +[Illustration: No. 253. Pulling the Stuffing out of Toy Terrier.] + +A grand flare-up on Thursday last. A Jubilee _Soirée_ worthy of the +Jubilee Year and the Royal Academicians. Kings, Queens, Royal +Highnesses, Grand Dukes and Duchesses have become so common this Jubilee +month, that, when some _blasé_ and well-seasoned Londoner is asked who +such and such a decorated person is, he languidly replies, "Oh! only a +King, or something of that sort." + +There was a private Royal Night on Wednesday, when only Royalty and The +Forty R.A.'s were present,--"The Forty" did something in the oil and +colour line, as we gather from _The Arabian Nights_, revised edition, by +Lady BURTON,--and, of course, _Mr. Punch_, who is everywhere on every +occasion, and who, in a general way, represents H.R.H. Everybody. + +On Thursday night, T.R.H. Everybody and Everybody Else were present, and +the scene was brilliant. Sir FREDERICK, a Prince among Presidents and a +President among Princes, graciously welcomed the guests. He was assisted +by Sir EVERETT MILLAIS and Treasurer HORSLEY, who appeared rather weary, +perhaps tired of counting the shillings, or worried by the uncertainty +of the monetary value of the BOEHM silver currency. + +The Queen of the Pictures is still Professor HERKOMER'S Lady in black +with the long gloves. She lingers in our memory, and will do so for many +a long day. May we never see her _in propriâ personâ_, or disappointment +might be our dole. The Lady in the picture cannot age. Even amidst all +the living breathing beauty collected within those walls on Thursday +last, the Lady on the wall, if we may so put it, "took the +cake,"--though she didn't take it all, as there was plenty left for Miss +MARY ANDERSON, Miss DOROTHY DENE, and some other charming ladies. One +more visit to the Royal Academy, and then the Show for 1887 will have +passed away. Then, after a brief holiday, the Artists will be again at +work, according to their individual taste and fancy, taking (lucky +_gourmets_!) each one just what best suits his palette. _Au revoir!_ + + * * * * * + +HIBERNIA TO THE QUEEN. + +(_On the occasion of the Visit of Princes Victor and George of Wales._) + + YOUR MAJESTY'S Grandsons I welcomed with joy, + At a time when I'm horribly worried; + ALBERT VICTOR and GEORGE--he's a broth of a boy-- + Their visit was brief and too hurried. + + Ah, then, if your MAJESTY'S self we could see, + Sure we'd drop every grumble and quarrel. + Stay a month in the year with my children and me, + 'Twould be a nice change from Balmoral. + + * * * * * + +THE Wild West Kensington Indians were not permitted to go to Henley last +week. It was thought that the sight of so many sculls would be too much +for them, and that they would immediately want to scalp everybody. Why +doesn't the Honourable Colonel BUFFALO BILL CODY engage "SQUASH," and +give him a show on a buck-jumper? Something amusing is wanted to enliven +the Wild West Scenes in the Circle, and "SQUASH" is just the sort of +droll required. + + * * * * * + +GOG AND MAGOG AT THE BALL. + + The Jubilee Ball, + Held at Guildhall + Last week, on Tuesday night, + A great success; + All must confess + It was a glorious sight. + + The Giants twain + Imbibed champagne. + Says Magog to Gog, "What fun!" + Says Gog, "For a crown + I couldn't get down + As we ought when the clock strikes one." + + Says Magog to Gog, + "You jolly old dog, + With the same idea I'm imbued. + We ought to descend, + But we can't, my friend; + On our pedestals we're screwed." + + To save their renown, + They didn't come down. + Be sure they acted right. + The jovial pair + Remained where they were; + Gog and Magog stopped up all night! + + * * * * * + +THE President and Fellows having, at a recent meeting at South +Kensington, by their Resolutions shown, spite their difficulties, a +disposition to ride the high horse, their body will henceforth be known +as the Royal Haughty-cultural Society. + + * * * * * + +ROBERT AT THE AMERICAN EXHIBITION. + +I'VE paid my second wisit to this most emusing place, and have to report +a grate improvement in its inside, witch is gradawally a filling up like +an hungry Alderman at a nice rich fust class dinner. + +But this time I paid speshal attention to the outside emusements, and +them as carnt find no fun and xcitement in them, had better go off at +wunce to the Amerrycan Bar for a "Coaxer," and that, as I found, will +soon pick him up. I never saw such a site as BUFFERLOW BILL'S Wild West +in South Kensington, the werry recklekshun of it sets me off so that I +must pull myself together with one of BERTRAM'S "Brighton Steadiers," or +I shall get too exsited to write strait. + +[Illustration: Robert Tobogganing.] + +Well, I spose it was because they was jest a little late that the whole +blooming lot of 'em, Amerrycans and Cow Boys, and Mexicans and Injians +with their Squalls and Porposes, and Gals a riding like gals generally +rides, and Gals a riding like men, all cum a galloping in at such a +whirling pace that it litorally took away all my pore breth, and they +screamed as they galloped, and their crimson and blue and scarlet and +yeller clokes all shone in the sunlight and fluttered in the breeze, and +when they came jest in front of me, where I was setting with dignerty in +a reserwed seat at the small charge of 1s., they pulled up bang, as if +they was all shot, and all sat as still as mice. + +Well, then we had a hole carrywan of settlers for life attacked as they +was agoing quietly along by a hole army of wild Injians, and defended by +BUFFERLOW BILL and his bold Cow Boys, and a grand fight it was. Plenty +of firing, but not enuff execushun for to friten the ladies, for the +jest a few was killed in the dedly combat, they all got up and rode away +after the battle was over; so I spose as they was ony shamming jest to +deceeve the enemy. + +[Illustration: A Little Indian Rubber.] + +Curiosity, which is the Waiter's weekness, makes me inquire, why so many +Cow Boys when there aint not no Cows? We wound up with a Bufferlow hunt, +but as the animals was jest as uncurry-combed and as dirty as afore, I +gammoned Mrs. ROBERT, who was with me, that it was ardly a site for a +reel dellycat lady to witness, so we went off to see the Toboggening, +and grate fun it was to look at. But, to my extreme estonishment nothink +wood do but Mrs. ROBERT must try it, and, in spite of all my +remonstrances, I presently found myself a seated with my bitter arf on +the top of an high hill, about to be launched hedlong on our wild career +with ony a piece of rope to guide us and nothink to stop us. Oh, that +dedly moment of hezitashun! and then the rush through the hair with +sitch litening speed as made Mrs. ROBERT give jest a little squeal. How +any sane person having wunce tried this new game, which recalled to fond +memory the sensashun of my fust swing, can wish to repeat the dose, I +carnt understand. He suttenly ought to have the stummuck of a +Horsestrich rather than of a Halderman. The fond partner of my fate +having a little hedake after her rash xperryment, which she insisted +upon declaring was owing to the rifle-shooting, I adwised her to leave +the noisy scene and seek the cumfort of her quiet home, promising to +jine her hurly, so she went. I was afterwards asked to try the +Switch-back Railway, but learning from a prewious wictim as how the +sensation reminded him of the fust time as he crossed the Channel, I +declined with thanks. + +Hoping to meet with the Kernel who had promised to introduce me to the +Hon. Mr. WILLIAM BUFFERLOW, Esquire, wulgerly called BUFFERLOW BILL, I +sauntered round to the Injians encampment, but was there told he had +gone to dine with some other Savages at the Savage Club, so I coudn't +see him. Howsumever I fell into conwersation with one of the tip-top +managers, and he introduced me to sum of the principal Braves, as they +calls 'em, and their Squaws, and porposes. They was worry affable and +perlite, as I'm told as all reel savages is, but I carnt say much for +their hartistick taste. There was one savage lady with a savage dorter +and a pickaninny about rising four, as grately surprised me. The yung +lady wood have bin werry good looking if her Ma had let her alone, but +she had painted her two cheeks such a brite skarlet that skarlet runners +is nothing to 'em, and as for the pore little chap his hole face was +painted a greenish yeller, like a werry bad case of jarndice, and all +his air a brite green. But such is my natral perliteness, that when his +fond Ma held him up to me and said, "Lookee, lookee, ain't him Booty?" I +said, "Oh! yessee, yessee!" I didn't dare to kiss it, for fear its face +wood have stuck to mine, witch woudn't ha bin nice. + +I spent a werry plessent evening with the principle performers such as +RED SHIRT, and CUT MEAT, and sum others, and whenever the conwersashun +flagged I surgested a adjurnment to the Amerrycan Bar, and we allus +tried a new drink, and this I will say for my forren frends that they +took them all with the same coolness as if they had been the native +drinks of the Far West End. The larst one we tried was called "A Yard of +flannel," and for warmth and cumfort it was well-named, but somehows I +fancy it must ha bin rayther a staggerer, for I remember werry little of +what took place afterwards. But I have sum dim recklekshun of playing at +cards with two Chiefs and a Squaw, and that one of them had a dress on +sumthink like a porky-pine with his squills, and that I lost my money, +and that sum familyer voice said, "Why, ROBERT, you've lost your Injian +Rubber!" at witch we all larfed. How I got home I don't werry well +remember, but I do remember, and shall probberbly never forget, the +werry warm recepshun I met when at length I arrived there, or the nex +morning's hed hake. I don't think I shall try "a yard of flannel," again +in an hurry. + + ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +The Children's Nautical Festival. + +ON the occasion of the Great Naval Review, Lord CHARLES BERESFORD, +remembering Mr. EDWARD LAWSON'S Hyde Park success, intends to stand +treat to all the Buoys round the Coast. The Best Buoy will receive a +present from Her Gracious MAJESTY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM + +THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, June 27._--Back again to the Coercion Bill. +Report Stage reached, and strong whips out on both sides in anticipation +of Division. Both Front Benches crowded like the rest. GLADSTONE in his +place, as eager to make speech as if it were his first on the subject. +HARTINGTON there too, and CHAMBERLAIN, making, with HENEAGE, a brave +show on end of Front Bench. GLADSTONE spoke early. A full House, but +everyone bored to death. Later, House thinned to degree that invited a +count; but at sound of bell Members held in hand for Division, swooped +down, got themselves counted, saved the sitting, and straightway fled +again. + +GEORGE CAMPBELL concerned in interests of Protestant Church. A Papal +Envoy been received by QUEEN to present Jubilee congratulations. Was +that an exceptional privilege for an Ecclesiastic? Would the Brahmin +Head of Benares be allowed to approach HER MAJESTY in similar way? No +answer. Would the Grand Imaum of Mecca? + +The Under-Secretary of State shivered in his shoes, but still no +response. + +Then Sir GEORGE, uplifting his voice to its most melodious heights, +produced his poser:--"Would the Moderator of the Free Church of Scotland +enjoy such a privilege?" + +Old Morality and his colleagues on the Treasury Bench began to grow +uneasy. No saying where CAMPBELL'S list might end. FERGUSSON whispered +to and nudged till, propped on his feet, he feebly urged that Moderator +of Free Church of Scotland does not come under the category of a Foreign +Potentate. A poor quibble this. But CAMPBELL generously disinclined to +push his advantage, and Government escaped immediate defeat. + +Growing excitement as Division on JOHN MORLEY'S Amendment restricting +duration of Act to three years approached. RITCHIE has invented new way +of taking Division. Members as anxious to try it as nursery of children +to handle new toy. At first some little difficulty in understanding it. +Members crowded round RITCHIE and asked how it was done. + +"Nothing easier or clearer," he said. "There are six doors, which we +will call A, B, C, D, E, and F. As soon as division bell rings, F is +closed. B is left half open. Members voting 'Aye' pass through the A +door and meet the 'Noes' coming through D. A and C are then +simultaneously shut. If B is open, the 'Ayes' and the 'Noes,' having +seen E closed, form in one stream, pass through, and there you are. +Don't you see?" + +[Illustration: Young 'Olden.] + +Everybody saw quite clearly. Quite a pleasure to see ISAAC HOLDEN +(_etat._ eighty, but full of youthful vigour) starting off to try the +new experiment. Got through all right. But, half an hour later, GILBERT +GREENALL found in recesses of ventilating cellars, where, he said, he +was "looking for door E." + +_Business done._--Report on Coercion Bill. + +_Tuesday._--WILFRID LAWSON made admirable suggestion to-night. Proposes +that, when titles or honours are conferred upon anyone, a statement +should accompany announcement, setting forth the public services on +account of which the honour has been conferred. It is so done in respect +of Victoria Cross. List of Honours conferred in connection with Jubilee +show the necessity of extending custom. + +"Who's he?" said Sir BORTHWICK, Bart., looking down the _Gazette_ when +it came out. "Never heard of him, nor him either. I seem to be really +the only distinguished person in the lot." + +List notable not only for what it includes but for what it omits. House +of Commons united in expectation of one recognition, looked for in vain. +If "Barnets" were to be made in Jubilee time, why was JOSEPH GILLIS +overlooked? This thought in everyone's mind, as JOEY B. turned up +to-night telling in a division against the Government. His public +appearance now so rare that its recurrence was an event. Since he came +into possession of Castle Butlerstown the alteration, long-working, made +sudden and complete advance. His moustache, now past the indefinite +stage, is an unquestionable reality, and to see JOEY B. twirling it _à +la_ RANDOLPH, is a delight to the quiet mind. JOSEPH feels his new +responsibilities. When reproached by TIM HEALY with his excessive +respectability he is not moved. + +[Illustration: "Who's he?"] + +"It's all very well for you, TIM, to be brow-beating the SPEAKER, +interrupting Hon. Members opposite, moving the adjournment and the like. +But it's different for a man who has a Castle, a drawbridge, a moat, and +a moustache." + +Characteristic infelicity on the part of the Government to have +neglected this opportunity of recognising a reformed character. JOEY B. +is now a credit to the House. It would have been to the credit of the +Government had his friends been able to hail him as Sir JOSEPH GILLIS +BIGGAR, Bart., of Butlerstown Castle. + +_Business done._--Coercion Bill again. + +_Thursday._--"He! he!" said Old Morality, his white teeth shedding pale +light over Treasury Bench. "Capital joke! Hope they'll often repeat it." + +Capital it was, and so unexpected, too. Secret admirably kept, and +sprung upon amazed House with marvellous effect. After questions, O. M. +moved Resolutions providing for discussion on Report Stage of Coercion +Bill being peremptorily closed at Seven o'Clock on Monday night. + +"The Early Closing Association," said Sir WILFRID LAWSON, looking across +at Noble Lords and Right Hon. Gentlemen arrayed on Treasury Bench in +support of this Motion. + +Parnellites of course hostile to Motion. But more particularly enraged +because O. M. in moving it had not spoken single sentence. + +"Come, come," said JOHN DILLON, "this is too bad. If we are to lose our +liberties, let us, at least, have a speech in support of the +proposition." + +But O. M. obdurately silent, and debate kept up for three hours from +Opposition side. Then Division taken, and Motion carried by majority of +a round hundred. After this, Ministers looked forward to another +wearisome evening, with Friday to follow, and more talk through Monday +up to fatal Seven o'Clock. Here's where the joke came in. The +Opposition, returning from Division Lobby after voting on Closure +Proposition, continued their march through the House and cleared out by +the door. Ministers watched process with amazement, growing into +apprehension, and finally broadening into a grin of delight as the joke +flashed upon them. Having given Government the trouble of preparing, +moving and carrying Resolution, fixing closure of debate on Monday +evening, Irish Members not going to debate at all! The Government might +take their Report Stage; which they did, and before you could say "W. H. +SMITH," the Report Stage of the Coercion Bill was agreed to, and House, +scarcely recovered from surprise, was engaged upon miscellaneous +business of the Orders of the day. + +_Friday, Midnight._--Since dinner-time there has been exhilarating scene +in Palace Yard. Nearly every 'bus that has passed has dropped a Duchess +at the gate. Four-wheelers, conveying Countesses, have regularly filed +in; whilst, what Sir ROBERT PEEL would call "Noble Baronesses," have +arrived on foot. As distinguished Novelist somewhere writes, "Lo! a +strange thing has happened." On ordinary days House of Lords, which +commences public business at 5.30, adjourns about 5.37. At this hour of +midnight House still sitting, and no sign of Adjournment. Irish Land +Bill under debate. Subject irresistible to Noble Lords. Have foregone +their late afternoon drive in the Park. More than one has patriotically +dined on a chop. + +A flush of honest pride mantles many a noble countenance. All very well +for the Commons to boast of their long sittings; but see what the Peers +can do when duty calls! At first a little consternation at the arrivals +from without. But even that turns out well. There were stories of +anxious wives communicating with House of Commons during All-night +Sittings, and finding errant husbands not there. But here are Noble +Lords unflinchingly serving their country, remaining at their post, +whate'er betide. + +A beautiful and a soothing sight, which affects to tears some of the +Commons, who sit in the Gallery, and look down upon it. + +_Business done._--Lords pass Report Stage of Irish Land Bill. + + * * * * * + +"HOME, SWEET HOME!" + +(_New Version, by a Much-Worn-out M.P._) + + "The welcome cry, 'Who goes home' sounds like a melancholy dirge + through the rapidly-emptying lobbies."--Mr. OSBORNE MORGAN, M.P., + _in the_ "_Nineteenth Century_." + + MIDST clauses and paragraphs though we may roam. + Be it ever so dirge-like, there's no cry like "Home!" + A charm undefined seems to hallow it there, + After TANNER'S loud shindy and CONYBEARE'S blare. + Home! Home! Sweet, sweet "Home!" + Be it ever so dirge-like, there's no cry like "Home!" + + An exile from office, I will not complain, + Give me only my calm "beauty sleep" once again; + The birds singing sweetly at dawn be my lot + To hear, not loud torrents of partisan rot. + Home! Home! Sweet, sweet "Home!" + Be it ever so dirge-like, there's no cry like "Home!" + + * * * * * + +CRICKET AT LORD'S. + +_Hits by Dumb Crambo, Jun._ + +[Illustration: A Patient Innings.] + +[Illustration: A Cut in front of Point.] + +[Illustration: Over!] + +[Illustration: Last Man. His usual form.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether +MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in +no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and +Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no +exception. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +93, July 9, 1887., by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH-CHARIVARI, JULY 9, 1887 *** + +***** This file should be named 32629-8.txt or 32629-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/2/6/2/32629/ + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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