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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.12.12.00*END* + + + + + +This etext was produced from the 1914 A. C. Fifield edition by David +Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk + + + + + +SAMUEL BUTLER'S CAMBRIDGE PIECES + +by Samuel Butler + + + + +Contents: + On English Composition and Other Matters + Our Tour + Translation from an Unpublished Work of Herodotus + The shield of Achilles, with variations + Prospectus of the Great Split Society + Powers + A skit on examinations + An Eminent Person + Napoleon at St. Helena + THE TWO DEANS + The Battle of Alma Mater + On the Italian Priesthood + Samuel Butler and the Simeonites + + + +ON ENGLISH COMPOSITION AND OTHER MATTERS + + + +This essay is believed to be the first composition by Samuel Butler +that appeared in print. It was published in the first number of the +EAGLE, a magazine written and edited by members of St. John's +College, Cambridge, in the Lent Term, 1858, when Butler was in his +fourth and last year of residence. + +[From the Eagle, Vol. 1, No. 1, Lent Term, 1858, p. 41.] + +I sit down scarcely knowing how to grasp my own meaning, and give it +a tangible shape in words; and yet it is concerning this very +expression of our thoughts in words that I wish to speak. As I muse +things fall more into their proper places, and, little fit for the +task as my confession pronounces me to be, I will try to make clear +that which is in my mind. + +I think, then, that the style of our authors of a couple of hundred +years ago was more terse and masculine than that of those of the +present day, possessing both more of the graphic element, and more +vigour, straightforwardness, and conciseness. Most readers will +have anticipated me in admitting that a man should be clear of his +meaning before he endeavours to give to it any kind of utterance, +and that having made up his mind what to say, the less thought he +takes how to say it, more than briefly, pointedly, and plainly, the +better; for instance, Bacon tells us, "Men fear death as children +fear to go in the dark"; he does not say, what I can imagine a last +century writer to have said, "A feeling somewhat analogous to the +dread with which children are affected upon entering a dark room, is +that which most men entertain at the contemplation of death." +Jeremy Taylor says, "Tell them it is as much intemperance to weep +too much as to laugh too much"; he does not say, "All men will +acknowledge that laughing admits of intemperance, but some men may +at first sight hesitate to allow that a similar imputation may be at +times attached to weeping." + +I incline to believe that as irons support the rickety child, whilst +they impede the healthy one, so rules, for the most part, are but +useful to the weaker among us. Our greatest masters in language, +whether prose or verse, in painting, music, architecture, or the +like, have been those who preceded the rule and whose excellence +gave rise thereto; men who preceded, I should rather say, not the +rule, but the discovery of the rule, men whose intuitive perception +led them to the right practice. We cannot imagine Homer to have +studied rules, and the infant genius of those giants of their art, +Handel, Mozart, and Beethoven, who composed at the ages of seven, +five, and ten, must certainly have been unfettered by them: to the +less brilliantly endowed, however, they have a use as being +compendious safeguards against error. Let me then lay down as the +best of all rules for writing, "forgetfulness of self, and +carefulness of the matter in hand." No simile is out of place that +illustrates the subject; in fact a simile as showing the symmetry of +this world's arrangement, is always, if a fair one, interesting; +every simile is amiss that leads the mind from the contemplation of +its object to the contemplation of its author. This will apply +equally to the heaping up of unnecessary illustrations: it is as +great a fault to supply the reader with too many as with too few; +having given him at most two, it is better to let him read slowly +and think out the rest for himself than to surfeit him with an +abundance of explanation. Hood says well, + + +And thus upon the public mind intrude it; +As if I thought, like Otaheitan cooks, +No food was fit to eat till I had chewed it. + + +A book that is worth reading will be worth reading thoughtfully, and +there are but few good books, save certain novels, that it is well +to read in an arm-chair. Most will bear standing to. At the +present time we seem to lack the impassiveness and impartiality +which was so marked among the writings of our forefathers, we are +seldom content with the simple narration of fact, but must rush off +into an almost declamatory description of them; my meaning will be +plain to all who have studied Thucydides. The dignity of his +simplicity is, I think, marred by those who put in the accessories +which seem thought necessary in all present histories. How few +writers of the present day would not, instead of [Greek text which +cannot be reproduced] rather write, "Night fell upon this horrid +scene of bloodshed." {1} This is somewhat a matter of taste, but I +think I shall find some to agree with me in preferring for plain +narration (of course I exclude oratory) the unadorned gravity of +Thucydides. There are, indeed, some writers of the present day who +seem returning to the statement of facts rather than their +adornment, but these are not the most generally admired. This +simplicity, however, to be truly effective must be unstudied; it +will not do to write with affected terseness, a charge which, I +think, may be fairly preferred against Tacitus; such a style if ever +effective must be so from excess of artifice and not from that +artlessness of simplicity which I should wish to see prevalent among +us. + +Neither again is it well to write and go over the ground again with +the pruning knife, though this fault is better than the other; to +take care of the matter, and let the words take care of themselves, +is the best safeguard. + +To this I shall be answered, "Yes, but is not a diamond cut and +polished a more beautiful object than when rough?" I grant it, and +more valuable, inasmuch as it has run chance of spoliation in the +cutting, but I maintain that the thinking man, the man whose +thoughts are great and worth the consideration of others, will "deal +in proprieties," and will from the mine of his thoughts produce +ready-cut diamonds, or rather will cut them there spontaneously, ere +ever they see the light of day. + +There are a few points still which it were well we should consider. +We are all too apt when we sit down to study a subject to have +already formed our opinion, and to weave all matter to the warp of +our preconceived judgment, to fall in with the received idea, and, +with biassed minds, unconsciously to follow in the wake of public +opinion, while professing to lead it. To the best of my belief half +the dogmatism of those we daily meet is in consequence of the +unwitting practices of this self-deception. Simply let us not talk +about what we do not understand, save as learners, and we shall not +by writing mislead others. + +There is no shame in being obliged to others for opinions, the shame +is not being honest enough to acknowledge it: I would have no one +omit to put down a useful thought because it was not his own, +provided it tended to the better expression of his matter, and he +did not conceal its source; let him, however, set out the borrowed +capital to interest. One word more and I have done. With regard to +our subject, the best rule is not to write concerning that about +which we cannot at our present age know anything save by a process +which is commonly called cram: on all such matters there are abler +writers than ourselves; the men, in fact, from whom we cram. Never +let us hunt after a subject, unless we have something which we feel +urged on to say, it is better to say nothing; who are so ridiculous +as those who talk for the sake of talking, save only those who write +for the sake of writing? But there are subjects which all young men +think about. Who can take a walk in our streets and not think? The +most trivial incident has ramifications, to whose guidance if we +surrender our thoughts, we are oft-times led upon a gold mine +unawares, and no man whether old or young is worse for reading the +ingenuous and unaffected statement of a young man's thoughts. There +are some things in which experience blunts the mental vision, as +well as others in which it sharpens it. The former are best +described by younger men, our province is not to lead public +opinion, is not in fact to ape our seniors, and transport ourselves +from our proper sphere, it is rather to show ourselves as we are, to +throw our thoughts before the public as they rise, without requiring +it to imagine that we are right and others wrong, but hoping for the +forbearance which I must beg the reader to concede to myself, and +trusting to the genuineness and vigour of our design to attract it +may be more than a passing attention. + +I am aware that I have digressed from the original purpose of my +essay, but I hope for pardon, if, believing the digression to be of +more value than the original matter, I have not checked my pen, but +let it run on even as my heart directed it. + +CELLARIUS. + + + +OUR TOUR + + + +This essay was published in the EAGLE, Vol. 1, No. 5. in the Easter +Term, 1859. It describes a holiday trip made by Butler in June, +1857, in company with a friend whose name, which was Joseph Green, +Butler Italianised as Giuseppe Verdi. I am permitted by Professor +Bonney to quote a few words from a private letter of his referring +to Butler's tour: "It was remarkable in the amount of ground +covered and the small sum spent, but still more in the direction +taken in the first part of the tour. Dauphine was then almost a +TERRA INCOGNITA to English or any other travellers." + +[From the Eagle, Vol. 1, No. 5. Easter Term, 1859, p. 241.] + +As the vacation is near, and many may find themselves with three +weeks' time on their hand, five-and-twenty pounds in their pockets, +and the map of Europe before them, perhaps the following sketch of +what can be effected with such money and in such time, may not come +amiss to those, who, like ourselves a couple of years ago, are in +doubt how to enjoy themselves most effectually after a term's hard +reading. + +To some, probably, the tour we decided upon may seem too hurried, +and the fatigue too great for too little profit; still even to these +it may happen that a portion of the following pages may be useful. +Indeed, the tour was scarcely conceived at first in its full extent, +originally we had intended devoting ourselves entirely to the French +architecture of Normandy and Brittany. Then we grew ambitious, and +stretched our imaginations to Paris. Then the longing for a snowy +mountain waxed, and the love of French Gothic waned, and we +determined to explore the French Alps. Then we thought that we must +just step over them and take a peep into Italy, and so, disdaining +to return by the road we had already travelled, we would cut off the +north-west corner of Italy, and cross the Alps again into +Switzerland, where, of course, we must see the cream of what was to +be seen; and then thinking it possible that our three weeks and our +five-and-twenty pounds might be looking foolish, we would return, +via Strasburg to Paris, and so to Cambridge. This plan we +eventually carried into execution, spending not a penny more money, +nor an hour's more time; and, despite the declarations which met us +on all sides that we could never achieve anything like all we had +intended, I hope to be able to show how we did achieve it, and how +anyone else may do the like if he has a mind. A person with a good +deal of energy might do much more than this; we ourselves had at one +time entertained thoughts of going to Rome for two days, and thence +to Naples, walking over the Monte St. Angelo from Castellamare to +Amalfi (which for my own part I cherish with fond affection, as +being far the most lovely thing that I have ever seen), and then +returning as with a Nunc Dimittis, and I still think it would have +been very possible; but, on the whole, such a journey would not have +been so well, for the long tedious road between Marseilles and Paris +would have twice been traversed by us, to say nothing of the sea +journey between Marseilles and Civita Vecchia. However, no more of +what might have been, let us proceed to what was. + +If on Tuesday, June 9 [i.e. 1857], you leave London Bridge at six +o'clock in the morning, you will get (via Newhaven) to Dieppe at +fifteen minutes past three. If on landing you go to the Hotel +Victoria, you will find good accommodation and a table d'hote at +five o'clock; you can then go and admire the town, which will not be +worth admiring, but which will fill you with pleasure on account of +the novelty and freshness of everything you meet; whether it is the +old bonnet-less, short-petticoated women walking arm and arm with +their grandsons, whether the church with its quaint sculpture of the +Entombment of our Lord, and the sad votive candles ever guttering in +front of it, or whether the plain evidence that meets one at every +touch and turn, that one is among people who live out of doors very +much more than ourselves, or what not--all will be charming, and if +you are yourself in high spirits and health, full of anticipation +and well inclined to be pleased with all you see, Dieppe will appear +a very charming place, and one which a year or two hence you will +fancy that you would like to revisit. But now we must leave it at +forty-five minutes past seven, and at twelve o'clock on Tuesday +night we shall find ourselves in Paris. We drive off to the Hotel +de Normandie in the Rue St. Honore, 290 (I think), stroll out and +get a cup of coffee, and return to bed at one o'clock. + +The next day we spent in Paris, and of it no account need be given, +save perhaps the reader may be advised to ascend the Arc de +Triomphe, and not to waste his time in looking at Napoleon's hats +and coats and shoes in the Louvre; to eschew all the picture rooms +save the one with the Murillos, and the great gallery, and to dine +at the Diners de Paris. If he asks leave to wash his hands before +dining there, he will observe a little astonishment among the +waiters at the barbarian cleanliness of the English, and be shown +into a little room, where a diminutive bowl will be proffered to +him, of which more anon; let him first (as we did) wash or rather +sprinkle his face as best he can, and then we will tell him after +dinner what we generally do with the bowls in question. I forget +how many things they gave us, but I am sure many more than would be +pleasant to read, nor do I remember any circumstance connected with +the dinner, save that on occasion of one of the courses, the waiter +perceiving a little perplexity on my part as to how I should manage +an artichoke served a la francaise, feelingly removed my knife and +fork from my hand and cut it up himself into six mouthfuls, +returning me the whole with a sigh of gratitude for the escape of +the artichoke from a barbarous and unnatural end; and then after +dinner they brought us little tumblers of warm lavender scent and +water to wash our mouths out, and the little bowls to spit into; but +enough of eating, we must have some more coffee at a cafe on the +Boulevards, watch the carriages and the people and the dresses and +the sunshine and all the pomps and vanities which the Boulevards +have not yet renounced; return to the inn, fetch our knapsacks, and +be off to the Chemin de Fer de Lyon by forty-five minutes past +seven; our train leaves at five minutes past eight, and we are +booked to Grenoble. All night long the train speeds towards the +south. We leave Sens with its grey cathedral solemnly towering in +the moonlight a mile on the left. (How few remember, that to the +architect William of Sens we owe Canterbury Cathedral.) +Fontainebleau is on the right, station after station wakes up our +dozing senses, while ever in our ears are ringing as through the dim +light we gaze on the surrounding country, "the pastures of +Switzerland and the poplar valleys of France." + +It is still dark--as dark, that is, as the midsummer night will +allow it to be, when we are aware that we have entered on a tunnel; +a long tunnel, very long--I fancy there must be high hills above it; +for I remember that some few years ago when I was travelling up from +Marseilles to Paris in midwinter, all the way from Avignon (between +which place and Chalon the railway was not completed), there had +been a dense frozen fog; on neither hand could anything beyond the +road be descried, while every bush and tree was coated with a thick +and steadily increasing fringe of silver hoar-frost, for the night +and day, and half-day that it took us to reach this tunnel, all was +the same--bitter cold dense fog and ever silently increasing hoar- +frost: but on emerging from it, the whole scene was completely +changed; the air was clear, the sun shining brightly, no hoar-frost +and only a few patches of fast melting snow, everything in fact +betokening a thaw of some days' duration. Another thing I know +about this tunnel which makes me regard it with veneration as a +boundary line in countries, namely, that on every high ground after +this tunnel on clear days Mont Blanc may be seen. True, it is only +very rarely seen, but I have known those who have seen it; and +accordingly touch my companion on the side, and say, "We are within +sight of the Alps"; a few miles farther on and we are at Dijon. It +is still very early morning, I think about three o'clock, but we +feel as if we were already at the Alps, and keep looking anxiously +out for them, though we well know that it is a moral impossibility +that we should see them for some hours at the least. Indian corn +comes in after Dijon; the oleanders begin to come out of their tubs; +the peach trees, apricots, and nectarines unnail themselves from the +walls, and stand alone in the open fields. The vineyards are still +scrubby, but the practised eye readily detects with each hour some +slight token that we are nearer the sun than we were, or, at any +rate, farther from the North Pole. We don't stay long at Dijon nor +at Chalon, at Lyons we have an hour to wait; breakfast off a basin +of cafe au lait and a huge hunch of bread, get a miserable wash, +compared with which the spittoons of the Diners de Paris were +luxurious, and return in time to proceed to St. Rambert, whence the +railroad branches off to Grenoble. It is very beautiful between +Lyons and St. Rambert. The mulberry trees show the silkworm to be a +denizen of the country, while the fields are dazzlingly brilliant +with poppies and salvias; on the other side of the Rhone rise high +cloud-capped hills, but towards the Alps we strain our eyes in vain. + +At St. Rambert the railroad to Grenoble branches off at right angles +to the main line, it was then only complete as far as Rives, now it +is continued the whole way to Grenoble; by which the reader will +save some two or three hours, but miss a beautiful ride from Rives +to Grenoble by the road. The valley bears the name of Gresivaudan. +It is very rich and luxuriant, the vineyards are more Italian, the +fig trees larger than we have yet seen them, patches of snow whiten +the higher hills, and we feel that we are at last indeed among the +outskirts of the Alps themselves. I am told that we should have +stayed at Voreppe, seen the Grande Chartreuse (for which see +Murray), and then gone on to Grenoble, but we were pressed for time +and could not do everything. At Grenoble we arrived about two +o'clock, washed comfortably at last and then dined; during dinner a +caleche was preparing to drive us on to Bourg d'Oisans, a place some +six or seven and thirty miles farther on, and by thirty minutes past +three we find ourselves reclining easily within it, and digesting +dinner with the assistance of a little packet, for which we paid +one-and-fourpence at the well-known shop of Mr. Bacon, Market- +square, Cambridge. It is very charming. The air is sweet, warm, +and sunny, there has been bad weather for some days here, but it is +clearing up; the clouds are lifting themselves hour by hour, we are +evidently going to have a pleasant spell of fine weather. The +caleche jolts a little, and the horse is decidedly shabby, both qua +horse and qua harness, but our moustaches are growing, and our +general appearance is in keeping. The wine was very pleasant at +Grenoble, and we have a pound of ripe cherries between us; so, on +the whole, we would not change with his Royal Highness Prince Albert +or all the Royal Family, and jolt on through the long straight +poplar avenue that colonnades the road above the level swamp and +beneath the hills, and turning a sharp angle enter Vizille, a +wretched place, only memorable because from this point we begin +definitely, though slowly, to enter the hills and ascend by the side +of the Romanche through the valley, which that river either made or +found--who knows or cares? But we do know very well that we are +driving up a very exquisitely beautiful valley, that the Romanche +takes longer leaps from rock to rock than she did, that the hills +have closed in upon us, that we see more snow each time the valley +opens, that the villages get scantier, and that at last a great +giant iceberg walls up the way in front, and we feast our eyes on +the long-desired sight till after that the setting sun has tinged it +purple (a sure sign of a fine day), its ghastly pallor shows us that +the night is upon us. It is cold, and we are not sorry at half-past +nine to find ourselves at Bourg d'Oisans, where there is a very fair +inn kept by one Martin; we get a comfortable supper of eggs and go +to bed fairly tired. + +This we must remind the reader is Thursday night, on Tuesday morning +we left London, spent one day in Paris, and are now sleeping among +the Alps, sharpish work, but very satisfactory, and a prelude to +better things by and by. The next day we made rather a mistake, +instead of going straight on to Briancon we went up a valley towards +Mont Pelvoux (a mountain nearly 14,000 feet high), intending to +cross a high pass above La Berarde down to Briancon, but when we got +to St. Christophe we were told the pass would not be open till +August, so returned and slept a second night at Bourg d'Oisans. The +valley, however, was all that could be desired, mingled sun and +shadow, tumbling river, rich wood, and mountain pastures, precipices +all around, and snow-clad summits continually unfolding themselves; +Murray is right in calling the valley above Venosc a scene of savage +sterility. At Venosc, in the poorest of hostelries was a tuneless +cracked old instrument, half piano, half harpsichord--how it ever +found its way there we were at a loss to conceive--and an irrelevant +clock that struck seven times by fits and starts at its own +convenience during our one o'clock dinner; we returned to Bourg +d'Oisans at seven, and were in bed by nine. + +Saturday, June 13. + +Having found that a conveyance to Briancon was beyond our finances, +and that they would not take us any distance at a reasonable charge, +we determined to walk the whole fifty miles in the day, and half-way +down the mountains, sauntering listlessly accordingly left Bourg +d'Oisans at a few minutes before five in the morning. The clouds +were floating over the uplands, but they soon began to rise, and +before seven o'clock the sky was cloudless; along the road were +passing hundreds of people (though it was only five in the morning) +in detachments of from two to nine, with cattle, sheep, pigs, and +goats, picturesque enough but miserably lean and gaunt: we leave +them to proceed to the fair, and after a three miles' level walk +through a straight poplar avenue, commence ascending far above the +Romanche; all day long we slowly ascend, stopping occasionally to +refresh ourselves with vin ordinaire and water, but making steady +way in the main, though heavily weighted and under a broiling sun, +at one we reach La Grave, which is opposite the Mont de Lans, a most +superb mountain. The whole scene equal to anything in Switzerland, +as far as the mountains go. The Mont de Lans is opposite the +windows, seeming little more than a stone's throw off, and causing +my companion (whose name I will, with his permission, Italianise +into that of the famous composer Giuseppe Verdi) to think it a mere +nothing to mount to the top of those sugared pinnacles which he will +not believe are many miles distant in reality. After dinner we +trudge on, the scenery constantly improving, the snow drawing down +to us, and the Romanche dwindling hourly; we reach the top of the +Col du Lautaret, which Murray must describe; I can only say that it +is first-class scenery. The flowers are splendid, acres and acres +of wild narcissus, the Alpine cowslip, gentians, large purple and +yellow anemones, soldanellas, and the whole kith and kin of the high +Alpine pasture flowers; great banks of snow lie on each side of the +road, and probably will continue to do so till the middle of July, +while all around are glaciers and precipices innumerable. + +We only got as far as Monetier after all, for, reaching that town at +half-past eight, and finding that Briancon was still eight miles +further on, we preferred resting there at the miserable but cheap +and honest Hotel de l'Europe; had we gone on a little farther we +should have found a much better one, but we were tired with our +forty-two miles' walk, and, after a hasty supper and a quiet pipe, +over which we watch the last twilight on the Alps above Briancon, we +turn in very tired but very much charmed. + +Sunday morning was the clearest and freshest morning that ever +tourists could wish for, the grass crisply frozen (for we are some +three or four thousand feet above the sea), the glaciers descending +to a level but little higher than the road; a fine range of Alps in +front over Briancon, and the road winding down past a new river (for +we have long lost the Romanche) towards the town, which is some six +or seven miles distant. + +It was a fete--the Fete du bon Dieu, celebrated annually on this day +throughout all this part of the country; in all the villages there +were little shrines erected, adorned with strings of blue +corncockle, narcissus heads, and poppies, bunches of green, pink, +and white calico, moss and fir-tree branches, and in the midst of +these tastefully arranged bowers was an image of the Virgin and her +Son, with whatever other saints the place was possessed of. + +At Briancon, which we reached (in a trap) at eight o'clock, these +demonstrations were more imposing, but less pleasing; the soldiers, +too, were being drilled and exercised, and the whole scene was one +of the greatest animation, such as Frenchmen know how to exhibit on +the morning of a gala day. + +Leaving our trap at Briancon and making a hasty breakfast at the +Hotel de la Paix, we walked up a very lonely valley towards +Cervieres. I dare not say how many hours we wended our way up the +brawling torrent without meeting a soul or seeing a human +habitation; it was fearfully hot too, and we longed for vin +ordinaire; Cervieres seemed as though it never would come--still the +same rugged precipices, snow-clad heights, brawling torrent, and +stony road, butterflies beautiful and innumerable, flowers to match, +sky cloudless. At last we are there; through the town, or rather +village, the river rushes furiously, the dismantled houses and +gaping walls affording palpable traces of the fearful inundations of +the previous year, not a house near the river was sound, many quite +uninhabitable, and more such as I am sure few of us would like to +inhabit. However, it is Cervieres such as it is, and we hope for +our vin ordinaire; but, alas!--not a human being, man, woman or +child, is to be seen, the houses are all closed, the noonday quiet +holds the hill with a vengeance, unbroken, save by the ceaseless +roar of the river. + +While we were pondering what this loneliness could mean, and +wherefore we were unable to make an entrance even into the little +auberge that professed to loger a pied et a cheval, a kind of low +wail or chaunt began to make itself heard from the other side of the +river; wild and strange, yet full of a music of its own, it took my +friend and myself so much by surprise that we almost thought for the +moment that we had trespassed on to the forbidden ground of some +fairy people who lived alone here, high amid the sequestered valleys +where mortal steps were rare, but on going to the corner of the +street we were undeceived indeed, but most pleasurably surprised by +the pretty spectacle that presented itself. + +For from the church opposite first were pouring forth a string of +young girls clad in their Sunday's best, then followed the youths, +as in duty bound, then came a few monks or friars or some such folk, +carrying the Virgin, then the men of the place, then the women and +lesser children, all singing after their own rough fashion; the +effect was electrical, for in a few minutes the procession reached +us, and dispersing itself far and wide, filled the town with as much +life as it had before been lonely. It was like a sudden +introduction of the whole company on to the theatre after the stage +has been left empty for a minute, and to us was doubly welcome as +affording us some hope of our wine. + +"Vous etes Piedmontais, monsieur," said one to me. I denied the +accusation. "Alors vous etes Allemands." I again denied and said +we were English, whereon they opened their eyes wide and said, +"Anglais,--mais c'est une autre chose," and seemed much pleased, for +the alliance was then still in full favour. It caused them a little +disappointment that we were Protestants, but they were pleased at +being able to tell us that there was a Protestant minister higher up +the valley which we said would "do us a great deal of pleasure." + +The vin ordinaire was execrable--they only, however, charged us nine +sous for it, and on our giving half a franc and thinking ourselves +exceedingly stingy for not giving a whole one, they shouted out +"Voila les Anglais, voila la generosite des Anglais," with evident +sincerity. I thought to myself that the less we English corrupted +the primitive simplicity of these good folks the better; it was +really refreshing to find several people protesting about one's +generosity for having paid a halfpenny more for a bottle of wine +than was expected; at Monetier we asked whether many English came +there, and they told us yes, a great many, there had been fifteen +there last year, but I should imagine that scarcely fifteen could +travel up past Cervieres, and yet the English character be so little +known as to be still evidently popular. + +I don't know what o'clock it was when we left Cervieres--midday I +should imagine; we left the river on our left and began to ascend a +mountain pass called Izouard, as far as I could make out, but will +not pledge myself to have caught the name correctly; it was more +lonely than ever, very high, much more snow on the top than on the +previous day over the Col du Lautaret, the path scarcely +distinguishable, indeed quite lost in many places, very beautiful +but not so much so as the Col du Lautaret, and better on descending +towards Queyras than on ascending; from the summit of the pass the +view of the several Alpine chains about is very fine, but from the +entire absence of trees of any kind it is more rugged and barren +than I altogether liked; going down towards Queyras we found the +letters S.I.C. marked on a rock, evidently with the spike of an +alpine-stock,--we wondered whether they stood for St. John's +College. + +We reached Queyras at about four very tired, for yesterday's work +was heavy, and refresh ourselves with a huge omelette and some good +Provence wine. + +Reader, don't go into that auberge, carry up provision from +Briancon, or at any rate carry the means of eating it: they have +only two knives in the place, one for the landlord and one for the +landlady; these are clasp knives, and they carry them in their +pockets; I used the landlady's, my companion had the other; the room +was very like a cow-house--dark, wooden, and smelling strongly of +manure; outside I saw that one of the beams supporting a huge +projecting balcony that ran round the house was resting on a capital +of white marble--a Lombard capital that had evidently seen better +days, they could not tell us whence it came. Meat they have none, +so we gorge ourselves with omelette, and at half-past five trudge +on, for we have a long way to go yet, and no alternative but to +proceed. + +Abries is the name of the place we stopped at that night; it was +pitch-dark when we reached it, and the whole town was gone to bed, +but by great good luck we found a cafe still open (the inn was shut +up for the night), and there we lodged. I dare not say how many +miles we had walked, but we were still plucky, and having prevailed +at last on the landlord to allow us clean sheets on our beds instead +of the dirty ones he and his wife had been sleeping on since +Christmas, and making the best of the solitary decanter and pie dish +which was all the washing implements we were allowed (not a toothmug +even extra), we had coffee and bread and brandy for supper, and +retired at about eleven to the soundest sleep in spite of our +somewhat humble accommodation. If nasty, at any rate it was cheap; +they charged us a franc a piece for our suppers, beds, and two +cigars; we went to the inn to breakfast, where, though the +accommodation was somewhat better, the charge was most extortionate. +Murray is quite right in saying the travellers should bargain +beforehand at this inn (chez Richard); I think they charged us five +francs for the most ordinary breakfast. From this place we started +at about nine, and took a guide as far as the top of the Col de la +Croix Haute, having too nearly lost our way yesterday; the paths +have not been traversed much yet, and the mule and sheep droppings +are but scanty indicators of the direction of paths of which the +winds and rain have obliterated all other traces. + +The Col de la Croix Haute is rightly named, it was very high, but +not so hard to ascend until we reached the snow. On the Italian +side it is terribly steep, from the French side, however, the slope +is more gradual. The snow was deeper at the top of this pass than +on either of the two previous days; in many places we sank deep in, +but had no real difficulty in crossing; on the Italian side the snow +was gone and the path soon became clear enough, so we sent our guide +to the right about and trudged on alone. + +A sad disappointment, however, awaited us, for instead of the clear +air that we had heretofore enjoyed, the clouds were rolling up from +the valley, and we entirely lost the magnificent view of the plains +of Lombardy which we ought to have seen; this was our first mishap, +and we bore it heroically. A lunch may be had at Prali, and there +the Italian tongue will be heard for the first time. + +We must have both looked very questionable personages, for I +remember that a man present asked me for a cigar; I gave him two, +and he proffered a sou in return as a matter of course. + +Shortly below Prali the clouds drew off, or rather we reached a +lower level, so that they were above us, and now the walnut and the +chestnut, the oak and the beech have driven away the pines of the +other side, not that there were many of them; soon, too, the +vineyards come in, the Indian corn again flourishes everywhere, the +cherries grow ripe as we descend, and in an hour or two we felt to +our great joy that we were fairly in Italy. + +The descent is steep beyond compare, for La Tour, which we reached +by four o'clock, is quite on the plain, very much on a level with +Turin--I do not remember any descent between the two--and the pass +cannot be much under eight thousand feet. + +Passports are asked at Bobbio, but the very sight of the English +name was at that time sufficient to cause the passport to be +returned unscrutinised. + +La Tour is a Protestant place, or at any rate chiefly so, indeed all +the way from Cervieres we have been among people half Protestant and +half Romanist; these were the Waldenses of the Middle Ages, they are +handsome, particularly the young women, and I should fancy an honest +simple race enough, but not over clean. + +As a proof that we were in Italy we happened while waiting for table +d'hote to be leaning over the balcony that ran round the house and +passed our bedroom door, when a man and a girl came out with two +large pails in their hands, and we watched them proceed to a cart +with a barrel in it, which was in a corner of the yard; we had been +wondering what was in the barrel and were glad to see them commence +tapping it, when lo! out spouted the blood-red wine with which they +actually half filled their pails before they left the spot. This +was as Italy should be. After dinner, too, as we stroll in the +showy Italian sort of piazza near the inn, the florid music which +fills the whole square, accompanied by a female voice of some +pretensions, again thoroughly Italianises the scene, and when she +struck up our English national anthem (with such a bass +accompaniment!) nothing could be imagined more incongruous. + +Sleeping at La Tour at the hotel kept by M. Gai (which is very good, +clean, and cheap), we left next morning, i.e. Tuesday, June 16, at +four by diligence for Pinerolo, thence by rail to Turin where we +spent the day. It was wet and we saw no vestiges of the Alps. + +Turin is a very handsome city, very regularly built, the streets +running nearly all parallel to and at right angles with each other; +there are no suburbs, and the consequence is that at the end of +every street one sees the country; the Alps surround the city like a +horseshoe, and hence many of the streets seem actually walled in +with a snowy mountain. Nowhere are the Alps seen to greater +advantage than from Turin. I speak from the experience, not of the +journey I am describing, but of a previous one. From the Superga +the view is magnificent, but from the hospital for soldiers just +above the Po on the eastern side of the city the view is very +similar, and the city seen to greater advantage. The Po is a fine +river, but very muddy, not like the Ticino which has the advantage +of getting washed in the Lago Maggiore. On the whole Turin is well +worth seeing. Leaving it, however, on Wednesday morning we arrived +at Arona about half-past eleven: the country between the two places +is flat, but rich and well cultivated: much rice is grown, and in +consequence the whole country easily capable of being laid under +water, a thing which I should imagine the Piedmontese would not be +slow to avail themselves of; we ought to have had the Alps as a +background to the view, but they were still veiled. It was here +that a countryman, seeing me with one or two funny little pipes +which I had bought in Turin, asked me if I was a fabricante di pipi- +-a pipe-maker. + +By the time that we were at Arona the sun had appeared, and the +clouds were gone; here, too, we determined to halt for half a day, +neither of us being quite the thing, so after a visit to the +colossal statue of San Carlo, which is very fine and imposing, we +laid ourselves down under the shade of some chestnut trees above the +lake, and enjoyed the extreme beauty of everything around us, until +we fell fast asleep, and yet even in sleep we seemed to retain a +consciousness of the unsurpassable beauty of the scene. After +dinner (we were stopping at the Hotel de la Poste, a very nice inn +indeed) we took a boat and went across the lake to Angera, a little +town just opposite; it was in the Austrian territory, but they made +no delay about admitting us; the reason of our excursion was, that +we might go and explore the old castle there, which is seated on an +inconsiderable eminence above the lake. It affords an excellent +example of Italian domestic Gothic of the Middle Ages; San Carlo was +born and resided here, and, indeed, if saintliness were to depend +upon beauty of natural scenery, no wonder at his having been a +saint. + +The castle is only tenanted by an old man who keeps the place; we +found him cooking his supper over a small crackling fire of sticks, +which he had lighted in the main hall; his feeble old voice chirps +about San Carlo this and San Carlo that as we go from room to room. +We have no carpets here--plain honest brick floors--the chairs, +indeed, have once been covered with velvet, but they are now so worn +that one can scarcely detect that they have been so, the tables +warped and worm-eaten, the few, that is, that remained there, the +shutters cracked and dry with the sun and summer of so many hundred +years--no Renaissance work here, yet for all that there was +something about it which made it to me the only really pleasurable +nobleman's mansion that I have ever been over; the view from the top +is superb, and then the row home to Arona, the twinkling lights +softly gleaming in the lake, the bells jangling from the tall and +gaudy campaniles, the stillness of the summer night--so warm and yet +so refreshing on the water; hush, there are some people singing--how +sweetly their voices are borne to us upon the slight breath of wind +that alone is stirring; oh, it is a cruel thing to think of war in +connection with such a spot as this, and yet from this very Angera +to this very Arona it is that the Austrians have been crossing to +commence their attack on Sardinia. I fear these next summer nights +will not be broken with the voice of much singing and that we shall +have to hush for the roaring of cannon. + +I never knew before how melodiously frogs can croak--there is a +sweet guttural about some of these that I never heard in England: +before going to bed, I remember particularly one amorous batrachian +courting malgre sa maman regaled us with a lusciously deep rich +croak, that served as a good accompaniment for the shrill whizzing +sound of the cigales. + +My space is getting short, but fortunately we are getting on to +ground better known; I will therefore content myself with sketching +out the remainder of our tour and leaving the reader to Murray for +descriptions. + +We left Arona with regret on Thursday morning (June 18), took +steamer to the Isola Bella, which is an example of how far human +extravagance and folly can spoil a rock, which had it been left +alone would have been very beautiful, and thence by a little boat +went to Baveno; thence we took diligence for Domo d'Ossola; the +weather clouded towards evening and big raindrops beginning to +descend we thought it better to proceed at once by the same +diligence over the Simplon; we did not care to walk the pass in wet, +therefore leaving Domo d'Ossola at ten o'clock that night we arrived +at Iselle about two; the weather clearing we saw the gorge of Gondo +and walked a good way up the pass in the early morning by the +diligence; breakfasted at Simplon at four o'clock in the morning, +and without waiting a moment as soon as we got out at Brieg set off +for Visp, which we reached at twelve on foot; we washed and dressed +there, dined and advanced to Leuk, and thence up the most +exquisitely beautiful road to Leukerbad, which we reached at about +eight o'clock after a very fatiguing day. The Hotel de la France is +clean and cheap. Next morning we left at half-past five and, +crossing the Gemini, got to Frutigen at half-past one, took an open +trap after dinner and drove to Interlaken, which we reached on the +Saturday night at eight o'clock, the weather first rate; Sunday we +rested at Interlaken; on Monday we assailed the Wengern Alp, but the +weather being pouring wet we halted on the top and spent the night +there, being rewarded by the most transcendent evening view of the +Jungfrau, Eiger, and Monch in the clear cold air seen through a thin +veil of semi-transparent cloud that was continually scudding across +them. + +Next morning early we descended to Grindelwald, thence past the +upper glacier under the Wetterhorn over the Scheidegg to Rosenlaui, +where we dined and saw the glacier, after dinner, descending the +valley we visited the falls of Reichenbach (which the reader need +not do if he means to see those of the Aar at Handegg), and leaving +Meyringen on our left we recommenced an ascent of the valley of the +Aar, sleeping at Guttannen, about ten miles farther on. + +Next day, i.e. Wednesday, June 24, leaving Guttannen very early, +passing the falls of Handegg, which are first rate, we reached the +hospice at nine; had some wine there, and crawled on through the +snow and up the rocks to the summit of the pass--here we met an old +lady, in a blue ugly, with a pair of green spectacles, carried in a +chaise a porteur; she had taken it into her head in her old age that +she would like to see a little of the world, and here she was. We +had seen her lady's maid at the hospice, concerning whom we were +told that she was "bien sage," and did not scream at the precipices. +On the top of the Gemini, too, at half-past seven in the morning, we +had met a somewhat similar lady walking alone with a blue parasol +over the snow; about half an hour after we met some porters carrying +her luggage, and found that she was an invalid lady of Berne, who +was walking over to the baths at Leukerbad for the benefit of her +health--we scarcely thought there could be much occasion--leaving +these two good ladies then, let us descend the Grimsel to the bottom +of the glacier of the Rhone, and then ascend the Furka--a stiff +pull; we got there by two o'clock, dined (Italian is spoken here +again), and finally reached Hospenthal at half-past five after a +very long day. + +On Thursday walking down to Amstegg and taking a trap to Fluelen, we +then embarked on board a steamer and had a most enjoyable ride to +Lucerne, where we slept; Friday to Basle by rail, walking over the +Hauenstein, {2} and getting a magnificent panorama (alas! a final +one) of the Alps, and from Basle to Strasburg, where we ascended the +cathedral as far as they would let us without special permission +from a power they called Mary, and then by the night train to Paris, +where we arrived Saturday morning at ten. + +Left Paris on Sunday afternoon, slept at Dieppe; left Dieppe Monday +morning, got to London at three o'clock or thereabouts, and might +have reached Cambridge that night had we been so disposed; next day +came safely home to dear old St. John's, cash in hand 7d. + +From my window {3} in the cool of the summer twilight I look on the +umbrageous chestnuts that droop into the river; Trinity library +rears its stately proportions on the left; opposite is the bridge; +over that, on the right, the thick dark foliage is blackening almost +into sombreness as the night draws on. Immediately beneath are the +arched cloisters resounding with the solitary footfall of meditative +students, and suggesting grateful retirement. I say to myself then, +as I sit in my open window, that for a continuance I would rather +have this than any scene I have visited during the whole of our most +enjoyed tour, and fetch down a Thucydides, for I must go to Shilleto +at nine o'clock to-morrow. + + + + +TRANSLATION FROM AN UNPUBLISHED WORK OF HERODOTUS + + + +This piece and the ten that follow it date from Butler's +undergraduate days. They were preserved by the late Canon Joseph +McCormick, who was Butler's contemporary at Cambridge and knew him +well. + +In a letter to THE TIMES, published 27 June, 1902, shortly after +Butler's death, Canon McCormick gave some interesting details of +Butler's Cambridge days. "I have in my possession," he wrote, "some +of the skits with which he amused himself and some of his personal +friends. Perhaps the skit professed to be a translation from +Thucydides, inimitable in its way, applied to Johnians in their +successes or defeats on the river, or it was the 'Prospectus of the +Great Split Society,' attacking those who wished to form narrow or +domineering parties in the College, or it was a very striking poem +on Napoleon in St. Helena, or it was a play dealing with a visit to +the Paris Exhibition, which he sent to PUNCH, and which, strange to +say, the editor never inserted, or it was an examination paper set +to a gyp of a most amusing and clever character." One at least of +the pieces mentioned by Canon McCormick has unfortunately +disappeared. Those that have survived are here published for what +they are worth. There is no necessity to apologise for their faults +and deficiencies, which do not, I think, obscure their value as +documents illustrating the development of that gift of irony which +Butler was afterwards to wield with such brilliant mastery. +'Napoleon at St. Helena' and 'The Shield of Achilles' have already +appeared in THE EAGLE, December, 1902; the "Translation from +Herodotus," "The Shield of Achilles," "The Two Deans II," and "On +the Italian Priesthood," in THE NOTE-BOOKS OF SAMUEL BUTLER; the +"Prospectus of the Great Split Society" and "A Skit on Examinations" +in THE EAGLE, June, 1913. + + +And the Johnians practise their tub in the following manner: They +select eight of the most serviceable freshmen and put these into a +boat, and to each one of them they give an oar; and having told them +to look at the backs of the men before them they make them bend +forward as far as they can and at the same moment, and having put +the end of the oar into the water pull it back again in to them +about the bottom of the ribs; and if any of them does not do this or +looks about him away from the back of the man before him they curse +him in the most terrible manner, but if he does what he is bidden +they immediately cry out: + +"Well pulled, number so-and-so." + +For they do not call them by their names but by certain numbers, +each man of them having a number allotted to him in accordance with +his place in the boat, and the first man they call stroke, but the +last man bow; and when they have done this for about fifty miles +they come home again, and the rate they travel at is about twenty- +five miles an hour; and let no one think that this is too great a +rate, for I could say many other wonderful things in addition +concerning the rowing of the Johnians, but if a man wishes to know +these things he must go and examine them himself. But when they +have done they contrive some such a device as this, for they make +them run many miles along the side of the river in order that they +may accustom them to great fatigue, and many of them being +distressed in this way fall down and die, but those who survive +become very strong, and receive gifts of cups from the others; and +after the revolution of a year they have great races with their +boats against those of the surrounding islanders, but the Johnians, +both owing to the carefulness of the training and a natural +disposition for rowing, are always victorious. In this way then the +Johnians, I say, practise their tub. + + + +THE SHIELD OF ACHILLES, WITH VARIATIONS + + + +And in it he placed the Fitzwilliam and King's College Chapel and +the lofty towered church of the Great Saint Mary, which looketh +toward the Senate House, and King's Parade and Trumpington Road and +the Pitt Press and the divine opening of the Market Square and the +beautiful flowing fountain which formerly Hobson laboured to make +with skilful art; him did his father beget in the many-public-housed +Trumpington from a slavey mother, and taught him blameless works; +and he, on the other hand, sprang up like a young shoot, and many +beautifully matched horses did he nourish in his stable, which used +to convey his rich possessions to London and the various cities of +the world; but oftentimes did he let them out to others and +whensoever anyone was desirous of hiring one of the long-tailed +horses, he took them in order so that the labour was equal to all, +wherefore do men now speak of the choice of the renowned Hobson. +And in it he placed the close of the divine Parker, and many +beautiful undergraduates were delighting their tender minds upon it +playing cricket with one another; and a match was being played and +two umpires were quarrelling with one another; the one saying that +the batsman who was playing was out, and the other declaring with +all his might that he was not; and while they two were contending, +reviling one another with abusive language, a ball came and hit one +of them on the nose, and the blood flowed out in a stream, and +darkness was covering his eyes, but the rest were crying out on all +sides: + +"Shy it up." + +And he could not; him then was his companion addressing with +scornful words: + +"Arnold, why dost thou strive with me since I am much wiser? Did I +not see his leg before the wicket and rightly declare him to be out? +Thee then has Zeus now punished according to thy deserts, and I will +seek some other umpire of the game equally-participated-in-by-both- +sides." + +And in it he placed the Cam, and many boats equally rowed on both +sides were going up and down on the bosom of the deep-rolling river, +and the coxswains were cheering on the men, for they were going to +enter the contest of the scratchean fours; and three men were rowing +together in a boat, strong and stout and determined in their hearts +that they would either first break a blood-vessel or earn for +themselves the electroplated-Birmingham-manufactured magnificence of +a pewter to stand on their hall tables in memorial of their +strength, and from time to time drink from it the exhilarating +streams of beer whensoever their dear heart should compel them; but +the fourth was weak and unequally matched with the others, and the +coxswain was encouraging him and called him by name and spake +cheering words: + +"Smith, when thou hast begun the contest, be not flurried nor strive +too hard against thy fate; look at the back of the man before thee +and row with as much strength as the Fates spun out for thee on the +day when thou fellest between the knees of thy mother, neither lose +thine oar, but hold it tight with thy hands." + + + +PROSPECTUS OF THE GREAT SPLIT SOCIETY + + + +It is the object of this society to promote parties and splits in +general, and since of late we have perceived disunion among friends +to be not nearly so ripe as in the Bible it is plainly commanded to +be, we the members of this club have investigated the means of +producing, fostering, and invigorating strife of all kinds, whereby +the society of man will be profited much. For in a few hours we can +by the means we have discovered create so beautiful a dissension +between two who have lately been friends, that they shall never +speak of one another again, and their spirit is to be greatly +admired and praised for this. And since it is the great goddess +Talebearer who has contributed especially to our success, inasmuch +as where she is not strife will cease as surely as the fire goeth +out when there is no wood to feed it, we will erect an altar to her +and perform monthly rites at her shrine in a manner hereafter to be +detailed. And all men shall do homage to her, for who is there that +hath not felt her benefits? And the rites shall be of a cheerful +character, and all the world shall be right merry, and we will write +her a hymn and Walmisley {4} shall set it to music. And any shall +be eligible to this society by only changing his name; for this is +one of its happiest hits, to give a name to each of its members +arising from some mental peculiarity (which the gods and peacemakers +call "foible"), whereby each being perpetually kept in mind of this +defect and being always willing to justify it shall raise a clamour +and cause much delight to the assembly. + +And we will have suppers once a month both to do honour unto +Talebearer and to promote her interest. And the society has laid +down a form of conversation to be used at all such meetings, which +shall engender quarrellings even in the most unfavourable +dispositions, and inflame the anger of one and all; and having +raised it shall set it going and start it on so firm a basis as that +it may be left safely to work its own way, for there shall be no +fear of its dying out. + +And the great key to this admirable treasure-house is Self, who hath +two beautiful children, Self-Love and Self-Pride . . . We have also +aided our project much by the following contrivance, namely, that +ten of the society, the same who have the longest tongues and ears, +shall make a quorum to manage all affairs connected with it; and it +is difficult to comprehend the amount of quarrelling that shall go +on at these meetings. + +And the monthly suppers shall be ordered in this way: Each man must +take at least two tablespoonfuls of vinegar, which shall make the +wit sharp, or in default thereof one teaspoonful of pepper and +mustard; for the rest we leave the diet to the management of our +stewards and bursars, but after the cloth has been removed the +president shall single out some one of the company, and in a calm +and friendly manner acquaint him with his faults and advise him in +what way he may best amend the same. The member selected is +compelled by the rules to remain silent for the space of three +minutes, and is then to retort and bring up six instances. He is to +call the present members to witness, and all are to take one side or +the other, so that none be neutral, and the melee will doubtless +become general, and we expect that much beautiful latent abusive +talent will be developed in this way. But let all this be done with +an air of great politeness, sincerity, and goodwill, at least at the +commencement, for this, when evidently fictitious, is a two-edged +sword of irritation. + +And if any grow weak in spirit and retreat from this society, and +afterwards repent and wish again to join, he shall be permitted to +do so on condition of repeating the words, "Oh, ah!" "Lor!" "Such +is life," "That's cheerful," "He's a lively man, is Mr. So-and-so" +ten times over. For these are refreshing and beautiful words and +mean much (!), they are the emblems of such talent. + +And any members are at liberty to have small meetings among +themselves, especially to tea, whereat they may enjoy the ever fresh +and pleasant luxury of scandal and mischief-making, and prepare +their accusations and taunts for the next general meeting; and this +is not only permitted but enjoined and recommended strongly to all +the members. + +And sentences shall be written for the training of any young hand +who wishes to become one of us, since none can hope to arrive at +once at the pitch of perfection to which the society has brought the +art. And if that any should be heard of his own free will and +invention uttering one or more of these sentences and by these means +indicate much talent in the required direction, he shall be waited +on by a committee of the club and induced, if possible, to join us, +for he will be an acquisition; and the sentences required are such +as: "I think so-and-so a very jolly fellow, indeed I don't know a +man in the college I like better than so-and-so, but I don't care +twopence about him, at least it is all the same to me whether he +cuts me or not." + +The beauty of this sentence is not at first appreciable, for though +self-deceit and self-satisfaction are both very powerfully +demonstrated in it, and though these are some of the society's most +vehement supporters, yet it is the good goddess Talebearer who +nourisheth the seed of mischief thus sown. + +It is also strictly forbidden by this society's laws to form a firm +friendship grounded upon esteem and a perception of great and good +qualities in the object of one's liking, for this kind of friendship +lasts a long time--nay, for life; but each member must have a +furious and passionate running after his friend for the time being, +insomuch that he could never part for an instant from him. And when +the society sees this it feels comfortable, for it is quite certain +that its objects are being promoted, for this cannot be brought +about by any but unnatural means and is the foundation and very soul +of quarrelling. The stroking of the hair and affectionate +embracings are much recommended, for they are so manly. + +And at the suppers and the rites of Talebearer each member is to +drop an anonymous opinion of some other member's character into a +common letter box, and the president shall read them out. Each +member is to defend himself; the formula for the commencement of +each speech being: "I know who wrote that about me, and it is a +very blackguardly thing of him to say . . . " + +N.B.--Any number of persons are allowed to speak at the same time. +By these means it is hoped to restore strife and dissension to the +world, now alas! so fatally subjugated to a mean-spirited thing +called Charity, which during the last month has been perfectly +rampant in the college. Yes, we will give a helping hand to +bickerings, petty jealousies, back-bitings, and all sorts of good +things, and will be as jolly as ninepence and--who'll be the first +president? + + + +POWERS + + + +But, my son, think not that it is necessary for thee to be excellent +if thou wouldst be powerful. Observe how the lighter substance in +nature riseth by its own levity and overtoppeth that which is the +more grave. Even so, my son, mayest thou be light and worthless, +and yet make a goodly show above those who are of a more intrinsic +value than thyself. But as much circumspection will be necessary +for thee to attain this glorious end, and as by reason of thy youth +thou art liable to miss many of the most able and effective means of +becoming possessed of it, hear the words of an old man and treasure +them in thy heart. The required qualities, my son, are easily +procured; many are naturally gifted with them. In order, however, +that thou mayest keep them in set form in thy mind commit to memory +the following list of requisites: Love of self, love of show, love +of sound, reserve, openness, distrust. + +The love of self, which shall chiefly manifest itself in the +obtaining the best of all things for thyself to the exclusion of +another, be he who he may; and as meal-times are the fittest +occasion for the exercise of this necessary quality, I will even +illustrate my meaning that thou mayest the more plainly comprehend +me. Suppose that many are congregated to a breakfast and there is a +dish of kidneys on the table, but not so many but what the greater +number must go without them, cry out with a loud voice, immediately +that thou hast perceived them: "Kidneys! Oh, ah! I say, G., old +fellow, give us some kidneys." Then will the master of the house be +pleased that he hath provided something to thy liking, and as others +from false shame will fear to do the like thou wilt both obtain that +thy soul desireth, and be looked upon by thy fellows as a bold +fellow and one who knoweth how to make his way in the world, and G. +will say immediately: "Waiter, take this to Mr. Potguts," and he +taketh them, and so on, my son, with all other meats that are on the +table, see thou refrain not from one of them, for a large appetite +well becometh a power, or if not a large one then a dainty one. But +if thine appetite be small and dainty see thou express contempt for +a large eater as one inferior to thyself. Or again, my son, if thou +art not at a banquet but enterest any room where there are many met +together, see thou take the arm-chair or the best seat or couch, or +what other place of comfort is in the room; and if there be another +power in the room as well as thyself see thou fight with him for it, +and if thou canst by any craft get rid of him an he be more thickly +set than thyself, see that thou do this openly and with a noise, +that all men may behold and admire thee, for they will fear thee and +yield and not venture to reprove thee openly; and so long as they +dare not, all will be well. Nevertheless I would have thee keep +within certain bounds, lest men turn upon thee if thy rule is too +oppressive to be borne. And under this head I would class also the +care and tending of the sick; for in the first place the sick have +many delicacies which those who are sound have not, so that if thou +lay the matter well, thou mayest obtain the lion's share of these +things also. But more particularly the minds of men being weak and +easily overpowered when they are in sickness, thou shalt obtain much +hold over them, and when they are well (whether thou didst really +comfort them or not) they will fear to say aught against thee, lest +men shall accuse them of ingratitude. But above all see thou do +this openly and in the sight of men, who thinking in consequence +that thy heart is very soft and amiable notwithstanding a few +outward defects, will not fail to commend thee and submit to thee +the more readily, and so on all counts thou art the gainer, and it +will serve thee as an excuse with the authorities for the neglect or +breach of duty. But all this is the work of an exceedingly refined +and clever power and not absolutely necessary, but I have named it +as a means of making thy yoke really the lighter but nevertheless +the more firmly settled upon the neck of thy fellows. So much then +for the love of self. + +As for the love of show this is to display itself in thy dress, in +the trimming or in the growth of thy whiskers, in thy walk and +carriage, in the company thou keepest, seeing that thou go with none +but powers or men of wealth or men of title, and caring not so much +for men of parts, since these commonly deal less in the exterior and +are not fit associates, for thou canst have nothing in common with +them. When thou goest to thy dinner let a time elapse, so that +thine entry may cause a noise and a disturbance, and when after much +bustling thou hast taken thy seat, say not: "Waiter, will you order +me green peas and a glass of college," but say: "Waiter (and then a +pause), peas," and then suffer him to depart, and when he hath gone +some little way recall him with a loud voice, which shall reach even +unto the ears of the fellows, say, "and, waiter, college"; and when +they are brought unto thee complain bitterly of the same. When thou +goest to chapel talk much during the service, or pray much; do not +the thing by halves; thou must either be the very religious power, +which kind though the less remarked yet on the whole hath the +greater advantage, or the thoughtless power, but above all see thou +combine not the two, at least not in the same company, but let thy +religion be the same to the same men. Always, if thou be a careless +power, come in late to chapel and hurriedly; sit with the other +powers and converse with them on the behaviour of others or any +other light and agreeable topic. And, as I said above, under this +love of show thou must include the choice of thine acquaintance, and +as it is not possible for thee to order it so as not to have +knowledge of certain men whom it will not be convenient for thee to +know at all times and in all places, see thou cultivate those two +excellent defects of both sight and hearing which will enable thee +to pass one thou wouldst not meet, without seeing him or hearing his +salutation. If thou hast a cousin or schoolfellow who is somewhat +rustic or uncouth in his manner but nevertheless hath an excellent +heart, know him in private in thine individual capacity, but when +thou art abroad or in the company of other powers shun him as if he +were a venomous thing and deadly. Again, if thou sittest at table +with a man at the house of a friend and laughest and talkest with +him and playest pleasant, if he be not perfect in respect of +externals see thou pass him the next day without a smile, even +though he may have prepared his countenance for a thousand grins; +but if in the house of the same friend or another thou shouldst +happen to stumble upon him, deal with him as though thy previous +conversation had broken off but five minutes previously; but should +he be proud and have all nothing to say unto thee, forthwith +calumniate him to thine acquaintance as a sorry-spirited fellow and +mean. + +And with regard to smoking, though that, too, is advantageous, it is +not necessary so much for the power as for the fast man, for the +power is a more calculating and thoughtful being than this one; but +if thou smokest, see that others know it; smoke cigars if thou canst +afford them; if not, say thou wonderest at such as do, for to thy +liking a pipe is better. And with regard to all men except thine +own favoured and pre-eminent clique, designate them as "cheerful," +"lively," or use some other ironical term with regard to them. So +much then for the love of show. + +And of the love of sound I would have thee observe that it is but a +portion of the love of show, but so necessary for him who would be +admired without being at the same time excellent and worthy of +admiration as to deserve a separate heading to itself. At meal- +times talk loudly, laugh loudly, condemn loudly; if thou sneezest +sneeze loudly; if thou call the waiter do so with a noise and, if +thou canst, while he is speaking to another and receiving orders +from him; it will be a convenient test of thine advance to see +whether he will at once quit the other in the midst of his speech +with him and come to thee, or will wait until the other hath done; +if thou handle it well he will come to thee at once. When others +are in their rooms, as thou passeth underneath their windows, sing +loudly and all men will know that a power goeth by and will hush +accordingly; if thou hast a good voice it will profit thee much, if +a bad one, care not so long as it be a loud one; but above all be it +remembered that it is to be loud at all times and not low when with +powers greater than thyself, for this damneth much--even powers +being susceptible of awe, when they shall behold one resolutely bent +to out-top them, and thinking it advisable to lend such an one a +helping hand lest he overthrow them--but if thy voice be not a loud +one, thou hadst better give up at once the hope of rising to a +height by thine own skill, but must cling to and flatter those who +have, and if thou dost this well thou wilt succeed. + +And of personal strength and prowess in bodily accomplishment, +though of great help in the origin, yet are they not necessary; but +the more thou lackest physical and mental powers the more must thou +cling to the powerful and rise with them; the more careful must thou +be of thy dress, and the more money will it cost thee, for thou must +fill well the bladders that keep thee on the surface, else wilt thou +sink. + +And of reserve, let no man know anything about thee. If thy father +is a greengrocer, as I dare say is the case with some of the most +mighty powers in the land, what matter so long as another knoweth it +not? See that thou quell all inquisitive attempts to discover +anything about thine habits, thy country, thy parentage, and, in a +word, let no one know anything of thee beyond the exterior; for if +thou dost let them within thy soul, they will find but little, but +if it be barred and locked, men will think that by reason of thy +strong keeping of the same, it must contain much; and they will +admire thee upon credit. + +And of openness, be reserved in the particular, open in the general; +talk of debts, of women, of money, but say not what debts, what +women, or what money; be most open when thou doest a shabby thing, +which thou knowest will not escape detection. If thy coat is bad, +laugh and boast concerning it, call attention to it and say thou +hast had it for ten years, which will be a lie, but men will +nevertheless think thee frank, but run not the risk of wearing a bad +coat, save only in vacation time or in the country. But when thou +doest a shabby thing which will not reach the general light, breathe +not a word of it, but bury it deeply in some corner of thine own +knowledge only; if it come out, glory in it; if not, let it sleep, +for it is an unprofitable thing to turn over bad ground. + +And of distrust, distrust all men, most of all thine own friends; +they will know thee best, and thou them; thy real worth cannot +escape them, think not then that thou wilt get service out of them +in thy need, think not that they will deny themselves that thou +mayest be saved from want, that they will in after life put out a +finger to save thee, when thou canst be of no more use to them, the +clique having been broken up by time. Nay, but be in thyself +sufficient; distrust, and lean not so much as an ounce-weight upon +another. + +These things keep and thou shalt do well; keep them all and thou +wilt be perfect; the more thou keep, the more nearly wilt thou +arrive at the end I proposed to thee at the commencement, and even +if thou doest but one of these things thoroughly, trust me thou wilt +still have much power over thy fellows. + + + +A SKIT ON EXAMINATIONS + + + +[It should be explained that Tom Bridges was a gyp at St. John's +College, during Butler's residence at Cambridge.] + +We now come to the most eventful period in Mr. Bridges' life: we +mean the time when he was elected to the shoe-black scholarship, +compared with which all his previous honours sank into +insignificance. + +Mr. Bridges had long been desirous of becoming a candidate for this +distinction, but, until the death of Mr. Leader, no vacancy having +occurred among the scholars, he had as yet had no opportunity of +going in for it. The income to be derived from it was not +inconsiderable, and as it led to the porter fellowship the mere +pecuniary value was not to be despised, but thirst of fame and the +desire of a more public position were the chief inducements to a man +of Mr. Bridges' temperament, in which ambition and patriotism formed +so prominent a part. Latin, however, was not Mr. Bridges' forte; he +excelled rather in the higher branches of arithmetic and the +abstruse sciences. His attainments, however, in the dead languages +were beyond those of most of his contemporaries, as the letter he +sent to the Master and Seniors will abundantly prove. It was +chiefly owing to the great reverence for genius shown by Dr. Tatham +that these letters have been preserved to us, as that excellent man, +considering that no circumstance connected with Mr. Bridges' +celebrity could be justly consigned to oblivion, rescued these +valuable relics from the Bedmaker, as she was on the point of using +them to light the fire. By him they were presented to the author of +this memoir, who now for the first time lays them before the public. +The first was to the Master himself, and ran as follows:- + + +Reverende Sir, + +Possum bene blackere shoas, et locus shoe-blackissis vacuus est. +Makee me shoeblackum si hoc tibi placeat, precor te, quia desidero +hoc locum. + +Your very humble servant, +THOMASUS BRIDGESSUS. + + +We subjoin Mr. Bridges' autograph. The reader will be astonished to +perceive its resemblance to that of Napoleon I, with whom he was +very intimate, and with anecdotes of whom he used very frequently to +amuse his masters. We add that of Napoleon. + + +THOMAS BRIDGES +NAPOLEON + + +The second letter was to the Senior Bursar, who had often before +proved himself a friend to Mr Bridges, and did not fail him in this +instance. + + +BURSARE SENIOR, + +Ego humiliter begs pardonum te becausus quaereri dignitatum +shoeblacki and credo me getturum esse hoc locum. + +Your humble servant, +THOMASUS BRIDGESSUS. + + +Shortly afterwards Mr. Bridges was called upon, with six other +competitors, to attend in the Combination Room, and the following +papers were submitted to him. + + +I + +1. Derive the word "blacking." What does Paley say on this +subject? Do you, or do you not, approve of Paley's arguments, and +why? Do you think that Paley knew anything at all about it? + +2. Who were Day and Martin? Give a short sketch of their lives, +and state their reasons for advertising their blacking on the +Pyramids. Do you approve of the advertising system in general? + +3. Do you consider the Japanese the original inventors of blacking? +State the principal ingredients of blacking, and give a chemical +analysis of the following substances: Sulphate of zinc, nitrate of +silver, potassium, copperas and corrosive sublimate. + +4. Is blacking an effective remedy against hydrophobia? Against +cholera? Against lock-jaw? And do you consider it as valuable an +instrument as burnt corks in playing tricks upon a drunken man? + +This was the Master's paper. The Mathematical Lecturer next gave +him a few questions, of which the most important were:- + +II + +1. Prove that the shoe may be represented by an equation of the +fifth degree. Find the equation to a man blacking a shoe: (1) in +rectangular co-ordinates; (2) in polar co-ordinates. + +2. A had 500 shoes to black every day, but being unwell for two +days he had to hire a substitute, and paid him a third of the wages +per shoe which he himself received. Had A been ill two days longer +there would have been the devil to pay; as it was he actually paid +the sum of the geometrical series found by taking the first n +letters of the substitute's name. How much did A pay the +substitute? (Answer, 13s. 6d.) + +3. Prove that the scraping-knife should never be a secant, and the +brush always a tangent to a shoe. + +4. Can you distinguish between meum and tuum? Prove that their +values vary inversely as the propinquity of the owners. + +5. How often should a shoe-black ask his master for beer notes? +Interpret a negative result. + + + +AN EMINENT PERSON + + + +Among the eminent persons deceased during the past week we have to +notice Mr. Arthur Ward, the author of the very elegant treatise on +the penny whistle. Mr. Ward was rather above the middle height, +inclined to be stout, and had lost a considerable portion of his +hair. Mr. Ward did not wear spectacles, as asserted by a careless +and misinformed contemporary. Mr. Ward was a man of great humour +and talent; many of his sayings will be treasured up as household +words among his acquaintance, for instance, "Lor!" "Oh, ah!" "Sech +is life." "That's cheerful." "He's a lively man is Mr. . . . " +His manners were affable and agreeable, and his playful gambols +exhibited an agility scarcely to be expected from a man of his +stature. On Thursday last Mr. Ward was dining off beef-steak pie +when a bit of gristle, unfortunately causing him to cough, brought +on a fit of apoplexy, the progress of which no medical assistance +was able to arrest. It is understood that the funeral arrangements +have been entrusted to our very respectable fellow-townsman Mr. +Smith, and will take place on Monday. + + + +NAPOLEON AT ST. HELENA + + + +I see a warrior 'neath a willow tree; +His arms are folded, and his full fixed eye +Is gazing on the sky. The evening breeze +Blows on him from the sea, and a great storm +Is rising. Not the storm nor evening breeze, +Nor the dark sea, nor the sun's parting beam +Can move him; for in yonder sky he sees +The picture of his life, in yonder clouds +That rush towards each other he beholds +The mighty wars that he himself hath waged. +Blow on him, mighty storm; beat on him, rain; +You cannot move his folded arms nor turn +His gaze one second from the troubled sky. +Hark to the thunder! To him it is not thunder; +It is the noise of battles and the din +Of cannons on the field of Austerlitz, +The sky to him is the whole world disturbed +By war and rumours of great wars. +He tumbled like a thunderbolt from heaven +Upon the startled earth, and as he came +The round world leapt from out her usual course +And thought her time was come. Beat on him, rain; +And roar about him, O thou voice of thunder. +But what are ye to him? O more to him +Than all besides. To him ye are himself, +He knows it and your voice is lovely to him. +Hath brought the warfare to a close. +The storm is over; one terrific crash +Now, now he feels it, and he turns away; +His arms are now unfolded, and his hands +Pressed to his face conceal a warrior's tears. +He flings himself upon the springing grass, +And weeps in agony. See, again he rises; +His brow is calm, and all his tears are gone. +The vision now is ended, and he saith: +"Thou storm art hushed for ever. Not again +Shall thy great voice be heard. Unto thy rest +Thou goest, never never to return. +I thank thee, that for one brief hour alone +Thou hast my bitter agonies assuaged; +Another storm may scare the frightened heavens, +And like to me may rise and fill +The elements with terror. I, alas! +Am blotted out as though I had not been, +And am become as though I was not born. +My day is over, and my night is come - +A night which brings no rest, nor quiet dreams, +Nor calm reflections, nor repose from toil, +But pain and sorrow, anguish never ceasing, +With dark uncertainty, despair and pain, +And death's wide gate before me. Fare ye well! +The sky is clear and the world at rest; +Thou storm and I have but too much in common." + + + +THE TWO DEANS + + + +I + +Williams, I like thee, amiable divine! +No milk-and-water character is thine. +A lay more lovely should thy worth attend +Than my poor muse, alas! hath power to lend. +Shall I describe thee as thou late didst sit, +The gater gated and the biter bit, +When impious hands at the dead hour of night +Forbade the way and made the barriers tight? +Next morn I heard their impious voices sing; +All up the stairs their blasphemies did ring: +"Come forth, O Williams, wherefore thus supine +Remain within thy chambers after nine? +Come forth, suffer thyself to be admired, +And blush not so, coy dean, to be desired." +The captive churchman chafes with empty rage, +Till some knight-errant free him from his cage. +Pale fear and anger sit upon yon face +Erst full of love and piety and grace, +But not pale fear nor anger will undo +The iron might of gimlet and of screw. +Grin at the window, Williams, all is vain; +The carpenter will come and let thee out again. + Contrast with him the countenance serene +And sweet remonstrance of the junior dean; +The plural number and the accents mild, +The language of a parent to a child. +With plaintive voice the worthy man doth state, +We've not been very regular of late. +It should more carefully its chapels keep, +And not make noises to disturb our sleep +By having suppers and at early hours +Raising its lungs unto their utmost powers. +We'll put it, if it makes a noise again, +On gatesey patsems at the hour of ten; +And leafy peafy it will turn I'm sure, +And never vex its own dear Sharpey more. + +II + +SCENE.--The Court of St. John's College, Cambridge. Enter the two +Deans on their way to morning chapel. + +JUNIOR DEAN. Brother, I am much pleased with Samuel Butler, +I have observed him mightily of late; +Methinks that in his melancholy walk +And air subdued whene'er he meeteth me +Lurks something more than in most other men. + +SENIOR DEAN. It is a good young man. I do bethink me +That once I walked behind him in the cloister; +He saw me not, but whispered to his fellow: +"Of all men who do dwell beneath the moon +I love and reverence most the senior Dean." + +JUNIOR DEAN. One thing is passing strange, and yet I know not +How to condemn it, but in one plain brief word +He never comes to Sunday morning chapel. +Methinks he teacheth in some Sunday-school, +Feeding the poor and starveling intellect +With wholesome knowledge, or on the Sabbath morn +He loves the country and the neighbouring spire +Of Madingley or Coton, or perchance +Amid some humble poor he spends the day, +Conversing with them, learning all their cares, +Comforting them and easing them in sickness. + +SENIOR DEAN. I will advance him to some public post, +He shall be chapel clerk, some day a Fellow, +Some day perhaps a Dean, but as thou say'st +He is indeed an excellent young man - + +Enter BUTLER suddenly, without a coat or anything on his head, +rushing through the cloisters, bearing a cup, a bottle of cider, +four lemons, two nutmegs, half a pound of sugar and a nutmeg grater. + +Curtain falls on the confusion of BUTLER and the horror-stricken +dismay of the two Deans. + + + +THE BATTLE OF ALMA MATER + + + +I + +The Temperance commissioners + In awful conclave sat, +Their noses into this to poke +To poke them into that - +In awful conclave sat they, + And swore a solemn oath, +That snuff should make no Briton sneeze, +That smokers all to smoke should cease, + They swore to conquer both. + +II + +Forth went a great Teetotaller, + With pamphlet armed and pen, +He travelled east, he travelled west, + Tobacco to condemn. +At length to Cantabrigia, + To move her sons to shame, +Foredoomed to chaff and insult, + That gallant hero came. + +III + +'Tis Friday: to the Guildhall + Come pouring in apace +The gownsmen and the townsmen + Right thro' the market place - +They meet, these bitter foemen + Not enemies but friends - +Then fearless to the rostrum, + The Lecturer ascends. + +IV + +He cursed the martyr'd Raleigh, + He cursed the mild cigar, +He traced to pipe and cabbage leaf + Consumption and catarrh; +He railed at simple bird's-eye, + By freshmen only tried, +And with rude and bitter jest assailed + The yard of clay beside. + +V + +When suddenly full twenty pipes, + And weeds full twenty more +Were seen to rise at signal, + Where none were seen before. +No mouth but puffed out gaily + A cloud of yellow fume, +And merrily the curls of smoke + Went circling 'thro the room. + +VI + +In vain th' indignant mayor harangued, + A mighty chandler he! +While peas his hoary head around + They whistled pleasantly. +In vain he tenderly inquired, + 'Mid many a wild "hurrah!" +"Of this what father dear would think, + Of that what dear mamma?" + +VII + +In rushed a host of peelers, + With a sergeant at the head, +Jaggard to every kitchen known, + Of missuses the dread. +In rushed that warlike multitude, + Like bees from out their hive, +With Fluffy of the squinting eye, + And fighting No. 5. + +VIII + +Up sprang Inspector Fluffy, + Up Sergeant Jaggard rose, +And playfully with staff he tapped + A gownsman on the nose. +As falls a thundersmitten oak, + The valiant Jaggard fell, +With a line above each ogle, + And a "mouse" or two as well. + +IX + +But hark! the cry is "Smuffkins! + And loud the gownsmen cheer, +And lo! a stalwart Johnian + Comes jostling from the rear: +He eyed the flinching peelers, + He aimed a deadly blow, +Then quick before his fist went down + Inspector, Marshal, Peelers, Town, +While fiercer fought the joyful Gown, + To see the claret flow. + +X + +They run, they run! to win the door + The vanquished peelers flew; +They left the sergeant's hat behind, + And the lecturer's surtout: +Now by our Lady Margaret, + It was a goodly sight, +To see that routed multitude + Swept down the tide of flight. + +XI + +Then hurrah! for gallant Smuffkins, + For Cantabs one hurrah! +Like wolves in quest of prey they scent + A peeler from afar. +Hurrah! for all who strove and bled + For liberty and right, +What time within the Guildhall + Was fought the glorious fight. + + + +ON THE ITALIAN PRIESTHOOD + + + +This an adaptation of the following epigram, which appeared in +Giuseppe Giusti's RACCOLTA DI PROVERBI TOSCANI (Firenze, 1853) + + +Con arte e con inganno si vive mezzo l'anno +Con inganno e con arte si vive l'altra parte. + +In knavish art and gathering gear +They spend the one half of the year; +In gathering gear and knavish art +They somehow spend the other part. + + + +SAMUEL BUTLER AND THE SIMEONITES + + + +The following article, which originally appeared in the CAMBRIDGE +MAGAZINE, 1 March, 1913, is by Mr. A. T. Bartholomew, of the +University Library, Cambridge, who has most kindly allowed me to +include it in the present volume. Mr. Bartholomew's discovery of +Samuel Butler's parody of the Simeonite tract throws a most +interesting light upon a curious passage in THE WAY OF ALL FLESH, +and it is a great pleasure to me to be able to give Butlerians the +story of Mr. Bartholomew's "find" in his own words. + + +Readers of Samuel Butler's remarkable story The Way of All Flesh +will probably recall his description of the Simeonites (chap. +xlvii), who still flourished at Cambridge when Ernest Pontifex was +up at Emmanuel. Ernest went down in 1858; so did Butler. +Throughout the book the spiritual and intellectual life and +development of Ernest are drawn from Butler's own experience. + +"The one phase of spiritual activity which had any life in it during +the time Ernest was at Cambridge was connected with the name of +Simeon. There were still a good many Simeonites, or as they were +more briefly called 'Sims,' in Ernest's time. Every college +contained some of them, but their head-quarters were at Caius, +whither they were attracted by Mr. Clayton, who was at that time +senior tutor, and among the sizars of St. John's. Behind the then +chapel of this last-named college was a 'labyrinth' (this was the +name it bore) of dingy, tumble-down rooms," and here dwelt many +Simeonites, "unprepossessing in feature, gait, and manners, unkempt +and ill-dressed beyond what can be easily described. Destined most +of them for the Church, the Simeonites held themselves to have +received a very loud call to the ministry . . . They would be +instant in season and out of season in imparting spiritual +instruction to all whom they could persuade to listen to them. But +the soil of the more prosperous undergraduates was not suitable for +the seed they tried to sow. When they distributed tracts, dropping +them at night into good men's letter boxes while they were asleep, +their tracts got burnt, or met with even worse contumely." For +Ernest Pontifex "they had a repellent attraction; he disliked them, +but he could not bring himself to leave them alone. On one occasion +he had gone so far as to parody one of the tracts they had sent +round in the night, and to get a copy dropped into each of the +leading Simeonites' boxes. The subject he had taken was 'Personal +Cleanliness.'" + +Some years ago I found among the Cambridge papers in the late Mr. J. +W. Clark's collection three printed pieces bearing on the subject. +The first is a genuine Simeonite tract; the other two are parodies. +All three are anonymous. At the top of the second parody is written +"By S. Butler. March 31." It will be necessary to give a few +quotations from the Simeonite utterance in order to bring out the +full flavour of Butler's parody, which is given entire. Butler went +up to St. John's in October, 1854; so at the time of writing this +squib he was in his second term, and 18 years of age. + +A.T.B. + + +I.--Extracts from the sheet dated "St. John's College, March 13th, +1855." In a manuscript note this is stated to be by Ynyr Lamb, of +St. John's (B.A., 1862). + + +1. When a celebrated French king once showed the infidel +philosopher Hume into his carriage, the latter at once leaped in, on +which his majesty remarked: "That's the most accomplished man +living." + +It is impossible to presume enough on Divine grace; this kind of +presumption is the characteristic of Heaven. . . + +2. Religion is not an obedience to external forms or observances, +but "a bold leap in the dark into the arms of an affectionate +Father." + +4. However Church Music may raise the devotional feelings, these +bring a man not one iota nearer to Christ, neither is it acceptable +in His sight. + +13. The ONE thing needful is Faith: Faith = 0.25 (historical +faith) + 0.75 (heart-belief, or assurance, or justification) 1.25 +peace; and peace=Ln Trust--care+joy^(n-r+1) + +18. The Lord's church has been always peculiarly tried at different +stages of history, and each era will have its peculiar glory in +eternity. . . . At the present time the trial for the church is +peculiar; never before, perhaps, were the insinuations of the +adversary so plausible and artful--his ingenuity so subtle--himself +so much an angel of light--experience has sharpened his wit--"WHILE +MEN SLEPT the enemy sowed tares"--he is now the base hypocrite--he +suits his blandishments to all--the Church is lulled in the arms of +the monster, rolling the sweet morsel under her tongue . . . + + +II.--Samuel Butler's Parody + + +1. Beware! Beware! Beware! The enemy sowed tracts in the night, +and the righteous men tremble. + +2. There are only 10 good men in John's; I am one; reader, +calculate your chance of salvation. + +3. The genuine recipe for the leaven of the Pharisees is still +extant, and runs as follows: --Self-deceit 0.33 + want of charity +0.5 + outward show 0.33, humbug infinity, insert Sim or not as +required. Reader, let each one who would seem to be righteous take +unto himself this leaven. + +4. "The University Church is a place too much neglected by the +young men up here." Thus said the learned Selwyn, {5} and he said +well. How far better would it be if each man's own heart was a +little University Church, the pericardium a little University +churchyard, wherein are buried the lust of the flesh, the pomps and +vanities of this wicked world; the veins and arteries, little +clergymen and bishops ministering therein; and the blood a stream of +soberness, temperance and chastity perpetually flowing into it. + +5. The deluge went before, misery followed after, in the middle +came a Puseyite playing upon an organ. Reader, flee from him, for +he playeth his own soul to damnation. + +6. Church music is as the whore of Babylon, or the ramping lion who +sought whom he might devour; music in a church cannot be good, when +St. Paul bade those who were merry to sing psalms. Music is but +tinkling brass, and sounding cymbals, which is what St. Paul says he +should himself be, were he without charity; he evidently then did +not consider music desirable. + +7. The most truly religious and only thoroughly good man in +Cambridge is Clayton, {6} of Cams. + +8. "Charity is but the compassion that we feel for our own vices +when we perceive their hatefulness in other people." Charity, then, +is but another name for selfishness, and must be eschewed +accordingly. + +9. A great French king was walking one day with the late Mr. B., +when the king dropped his umbrella. Mr. B. instantly stooped down +and picked it up. The king said in a very sweet tone, "Thank you." + +10. The Cam is the river Jordan. An unthinking mind may consider +this a startling announcement. Let such an one pray for grace to +read the mystery aright. + +11. When I've lost a button off my trousers I go to the tailors' +and get a new one sewn on. + +12. Faith and Works were walking one day on the road to Zion, when +Works turned into a public-house, and said he would not go any +further, at the same time telling Faith to go on by himself, and +saying that "he should be only a drag upon him." Faith accordingly +left Works in the ale-house, and went on. He had not gone far +before he began to feel faint, and thought he had better turn back +and wait for Works. He suited the action to the word, and finding +Works in an advanced state of beer, fell to, and even surpassed that +worthy in his potations. They then set to work and fought lustily, +and would have done each other a mortal injury had not a Policeman +providentially arrived, and walked them off to the station-house. +As it was they were fined Five Shillings each, and it was a long +time before they fully recovered. + +13. What can 10 fools do among 300 sinners? They can do much harm, +and had far better let the sinners seek peace their own way in the +wilderness than ram it down their throats during the night. + +14. Barnwell is a place near Cambridge. It is one of the descents +into the infernal regions; nay, the infernal regions have there +ascended to the upper earth, and are rampant. He that goeth by it +shall be scorched, but he that seeketh it knowingly shall be +devoured in the twinkling of an eye, and become withered as the +grass at noonday. + +15. Young men do not seem to consider that houses were made to pray +in, as well as to eat and to drink in. Spiritual food is much more +easily procured and far cheaper than bodily nutriment; that, +perhaps, is the reason why many overlook it. + +16. When we were children our nurses used to say, "Rock-a-bye baby +on the tree top, when the bough bends the cradle will rock." Do the +nurses intend the wind to represent temptation and the storm of +life, the tree-top ambition, and the cradle the body of the child in +which the soul traverses life's ocean? I cannot doubt all this +passes through the nurses' minds. Again, when they say, "Little Bo- +peep has lost her sheep and doesn't know where to find them; let +them alone and they'll come home with their tails all right behind +them," is Little Bo-peep intended for mother Church? Are the sheep +our erring selves, and our subsequent return to the fold? No doubt +of it. + +17. A child will often eat of itself what no compulsion can induce +it to touch. Men are disgusted with religion if it is placed before +them at unseasonable times, in unseasonable places, and clothed in a +most unseemly dress. Let them alone, and many will perhaps seek it +for themselves, whom the world suspects not. A whited sepulchre is +a very picturesque object, and I like it immensely, and I like a Sim +too. But the whited sepulchre is an acknowledged humbug and most of +the Sims are not, in my opinion, very far different. + + + +Footnotes: + +{1} This was called to my attention by a distinguished Greek +scholar of this University. + +{2} The Hauenstein tunnel was not completed until later. Its +construction was delayed by a fall of earth which occurred in 1857 +and buried sixty-three workmen.--R. A. S. + +{3} Mr. J. F. Harris has identified Butler's rooms in the third +court of St. John's College.--R. A. S. + +{4} As Walmisley died in January, 1856, this piece must evidently +date from Butler's first year at Cambridge.--R. A. S. + +{5} William Selwyn D.D., Fellow of St. John's Lady Margaret +Professor of Divinity, died 1875.--A. T. B. + +{6} Charles Clayton, M.A., of Gonville and Caius, Vicar of Holy +Trinity, Cambridge, 1851-65. Died 1883.--A. T. B. + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of Cambridge Pieces, by Samuel Butler + diff --git a/old/cambp10.zip b/old/cambp10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0ee00ec --- /dev/null +++ b/old/cambp10.zip |