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diff --git a/32839-8.txt b/32839-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1a60974 --- /dev/null +++ b/32839-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1747 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 93. +July 30, 1887, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 93. July 30, 1887 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: June 21, 2010 [EBook #32839] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + PUNCH, + + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOLUME 93. + + JULY 30, 1887. + + +MR. PUNCH'S MANUAL FOR YOUNG RECITERS. + +[Illustration] + +A NATURAL anxiety that his pupils should be furnished with as complete a +repertory as possible, has prompted _Mr. Punch_ to command one of his +spare Poets to knock off a little dramatic piece founded (at a +respectful distance) upon a famous Transatlantic model. The spare Poet +in question--all reluctant as he felt even to appear to be competing +with the inimitable--had, as the minion of _Punch_ the Peremptory, no +option but to obey to the best of his powers. The special merit of the +present production will be found in the care with which it has been +watered down to suit the capacity of amateurs for whom the original +would offer difficulties well-nigh insuperable. This poem is +particularly recommended to diffident young ladies with a suppressed +talent for recitation. Some on reading it may imagine that its rough but +genuine pathos is scarcely adapted to feminine treatment--but wait until +you hear some young lady recite it! _Mr. Punch_, for his part, is +content to wait for almost any length of time. The Author calls it:-- + +HASDRUBAL JOPP. + +_The Reciter is supposed to be in the Strand, facing the audience. As +you come on, the idea is that you are suddenly attracted by an +advertisement borne by the last of a string of Sandwich-men. You stop +him, and begin as follows. By the way, as you are enacting an American, +you will of course be careful to speak through your nose, whenever it +occurs to you. Now then:--_ + + H'yur, you! bossing them boards--Jess you fetch up a spell! + + [_Rough good-nature expressed by forefinger._ + + Don't go twitching your cords! (_Impatiently._) Lemme look at ye well: + (_Genial amusement._) Why, I'm derned ef ye don't look as skeered as a + tortoise growed out of his shell! + What's the style of your show? This yer pictur looks gay: + Why, ye don't tell me so! (_Homely gratification._) It's a + _Murrican_ play! + And you mosey along with the posters--wa'al, now, do ye find the + job _pay_? + (_With a kindly curiosity._) Say, what was it--_drink_? As has led + to it....Stop! + Wa'al, on'y to _think_--Ef it isn't _his_ shop! + This identical theater as hires ye. Hev ye heerd on him?--HASDRUBAL JOPP! + So ye _hev_, I declar! Oh, it's likely the same, + Which I knew him out thar (_indicate the United States by a vague + jerk of your thumb_). And I reckon it's _Fame_, + If a broken-down blizzard like you--(No offence!)--kin look _so_ + at his name! + + (_By the word_ "so" _you should suggest a movement of pleased + surprise on the part of the Sandwich-man_.) + + Can't ye stay for awhile--Till I've opened my head? + So he's bin an' struck ile? Which the same's what _I_ said-- + Fur I see him in _Fish outer Water_, and sez I (_sententiously_), + "A Tragedian _bred_!" + Yes, I allays allowed, As he must make a hit; + And not at all proud--No, _Sir_--all on him grit! (_Affectionately._) + Jess you wait till he hears _I_'m around, and you mark the reception + I git! + For us two were such chums As ye don't often find. + Lord! the way it all comes Scrouging in on my mind!-- + (_Abruptly._) This dern sun is that pesky an' strong, it's enough for + to strike a man blind! + + (_Here you should convey the idea that this is a mere excuse for a + not unmanly emotion; this is generally done by wiping the eye + surreptitiously on the coat-sleeve._) + + A freehandeder cuss Never stepped on a street. + Which he'd raise such a fuss, When we happened to meet-- + I could see he'd be hurt in his feelins ef he warn't not allowed + to stand treat! + So he's managed to climb To the top of the tree! + + [_Homely, unselfish satisfaction._ + + But I'll bet every time--Big a boss as he be-- + He remembers his pardner in Frisco--Yes, he don't forgit little old Me! + [_This proudly, but tenderly._ + + (_Here the Sandwich-man is supposed to make some sort of assent. + You turn upon him savagely, with an irritation assumed to + conceal deep feeling._) + + What on airth do _you_ mean? By a' sayin' "_You're_ sure + Of it." (_With half recognition._) Seems like I've seen Those yer + featurs afore! + + [_Hand to chin, dubiously._ + + A mistake? (_Roughly._) Well then, _you_ hold yer hosses, and don't + interrup' me no more! + + (_The Sandwich-man here makes another attempt to escape_; _you put + out two detaining fingers._) + + Come, you ain't going yet? (_Heartily._) H'yur, you lem me run on! + Why, we've on'y jest met--And you want to be gone! + I must hev _some_ critter, I tell ye, to practise chin-music upon! + No, theer don't seem a doubt--He is cock of the school; + And the stuffing's knocked out Of your IRVING and TOOLE! + + [_Outburst of rapturous exultation._ + + Jest, to think o' JOPP busting up BARRETT!--thar, call me a + soft-hearted fool! + + (_Second emotional display; half turn, and use your handkerchief + with ostentation; the Sandwich-man is also affected, which you + observe with some surprise._) + + Why, you _air_ lookin' queer! Derned ef _I_ kin see why! + Sho! you thought 'twas a _tear_ As I've got in my eye? + + [_Rough shame at your own weakness._ + + No, _I_ don't take no stock in hydraulics--it's on'y a dod-gasted fly! + + [_Resume with a proud anticipation._ + + He'll be chipper an' smart.--But, fur all he has riz, + He will open his heart _And_ a bottle of fizz + Right away when he sees me! (_Here you seem to detect a lurking doubt + in the Sandwich-man's eye._) Hightoned, Sir? You'd better believe + that he _is_! + _I_ ain't feared o' no change: JOPP'll be jest as _true_! + + [_Stop abruptly, and stare glassily._ + + (_In a husky whisper._) Blame my cats--but it's strange! + (_Take a step backwards._) What in thunder!... JOPP it's--YOU!!! + + [_With a shout._ + + (_Crestfallen tone._) So ye're not _on_ the boards, but between 'em! + (_Change to hasty and somewhat confused apology._) ... Ye'll excuse + me--I've suthin' to do! + + [_Go off hurriedly, with air of a man recollecting an appointment._ + +It is hardly necessary to advise you that the effect you should aim at +is the securing of your audience's sympathy for _yourself_--as the +victim of such an unfortunate mistake--don't let them trouble themselves +about the unseen Sandwich-man. + + * * * * * + +DR. TANNER'S RECONCILIATORY COUPLET. + + THIS the burden of my song-- + Love me little, love me, LONG! + + * * * * * + +DUMB CRAMBO'S SCHOOL-BOOK REVIEW. + +THE following book, advertised in Messrs. RIVINGTON'S list, has +attracted the attention of our Mr. D. C.:-- + +A SCHOOL FLORA. For the use of Elementary Botanical Classes. By W. +MARSHALL WATTS, D. Sc. (Lond.), B. Sc. (Vict.)., Physical Science Master +in the Giggleswick Grammar School. + +A SCHOOL FLORA (ILLUSTRATED). + +[Illustration: The Knock-down Blow. (One specimen.)] + +[Illustration: The Birch. (Second Specimen.)] + +[Illustration: "The Master of _Physical_ Science."] + +[Illustration: Giggleswick Grammar School.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MODERN CRAZES. + +(_The Last Thing in Musical Prodigies._) + +"THE BABY BOTTESINI."] + + * * * * * + +DESPATCH WITH ECONOMY. + +(_Minutes relative to a Misdirected Telegram, found not a hundred miles +from the G.P.O._) + +ORIGINAL TELEGRAM:-- + +_From Lucy to Flutterby, Peacock's Priory, Battersea._ + +"Ask JACK to dine with us at eight." + +_First Minute._ This Telegram was sent to Peacock's Rest, but there +refused as Mr. FLUTTERBY was not there. It was re-directed to what was +supposed to be his address, "Morton's Repository, Whitechapel." It was +again refused. We cannot recover the sixpence. (_Official Initials._) + +_Second Minute._ Who re-directed the Telegram, and why was it not paid +for before delivery? (_Initials as before._) + +_Third Minute._ We cannot ascertain the name of the person who +re-directed the Telegram, and did not receive the sixpence because the +Telegram was never accepted. (_Initials as before._) + +_Fourth Minute._ Who sent the Telegram originally? (_Initials as +before._) + +_Fifth Minute._ We have sent an Officer to inquire, and find that LUCY +lives in Flower Cottage, Kensingbridge--she is the sender's wife. She +says she knows nothing about the telegram. (_Initials as before._) + +_Sixth Minute._ Cannot the address of the sender be ascertained? +(_Initials as before._) + +_Seventh Minute._ We believe the sender must also live in Flower +Cottage, Kensingbridge. Shall we send an Officer to inquire? (_Initials +as before._) + +_Eighth Minute._ An Officer from the Head Office had better be sent. +(_Initials as before._) + +_Ninth Minute._ An Officer from the Head Office has been sent. The +sender of the telegram is either out or says he is out. His wife +declares she knows nothing about it. (_Initials as before._) + +_Tenth Minute._ Has the sender no other address besides Peacock's +Priory, Morton's Repository, and Flower House, Kensingbridge? (_Initials +as before._) + +_Eleventh Minute._ What is being done about that missing sixpence? A +week since last reply. Its non-payment interferes with the Estimates. +(_Initials as before._) + +_Twelfth Minute._ Nothing has been done. What can be done? (_Initials as +before._) + +_Thirteenth Minute._ An Officer should call upon the sender of the +telegram and demand payment of the sixpence. (_Initials as before._) + +_Fourteenth Minute._ An Officer has called several times, and cannot +find the sender in. His wife repeats she knows nothing about it, and +declines to give information. (_Initials as before._) + +_Fifteenth Minute._ Has the sender no other address? He must pay the +sixpence. Let him be told this. (_Initials as before._) + +_Sixteenth Minute._ We have found him at another address, but he still +declines to pay the sixpence, he says he has never received the +telegram. (_Initials as before._) + +_Seventeenth Minute._ Try again. Let him be informed that if he does not +pay the sixpence, no further telegram of his will be directed. +(_Initials as before._) + +_Eighteenth Minute._ He has been told so. He says he does not want his +messages re-directed. He has not as yet paid the sixpence. (_Initials as +before._) + +_Nineteenth Minute._ Ten days since last communication. Has that missing +sixpence been recovered? (_Initials as before._) + +_Twentieth Minute._ No. The sender of the telegram, we believe, has gone +abroad. (_Initials as before._) + +_Twenty-first Minute._ Month since receipt of last information. Has that +missing sixpence been recovered? The sender must be asked for it again +if is has not been received. (_Initials as before._) + +_Twenty-second Minute._ An equivalent to the money due on re-directing +the message has been recovered. The sender has given an Officer of the +Department a French franc. (_Initials as before._) + +_Twenty-third Minute._ Let the French _franc_ be exchanged for English +money and paid into the account of the Department. Account of expenses +to the Department for collecting the sixpence should now be sent. +(_Initials as before._) + +_Final Minute._ In compliance with instructions, account of expenses +incurred in collecting the sixpence will be forwarded forthwith. Some +time will be required in setting out the details. Being rather large, it +has been considered advisable to send the packet by Parcels Post. +(_Initials as before._) + + * * * * * + +JACK'S RESPONSE. + +(_Spithead, July 23, 1887._) + + [IN replying to a Naval Deputation which waited upon the QUEEN with + a Jubilee Album and Address, HER MAJESTY said, "she felt certain + that the Navy would always uphold the honour of the Kingdom."] + + RIGHT Royal Lady on the throne! + From stem to starn, from top to kelson, + The British Fleet is all your own, + To-day as in them times of NELSON. + 'Twill help you still to rule the wave, + Though swabs may croak and lubbers twaddle; + That Album MILNE our Admiral gave, + Shows many a change in rig and model, + But could they hail us at Spithead. + To-day, old DRAKE, or HOWE or HOWARD, + They'd find the race as never bred, + To scour the brine, traitor or coward. + What the old _Victory_ did of old, + The _Ajax_ or the _Devastation_ + Would dare to-day, and JACK makes bold, + In this here year of Jubilation, + To answer to his Sovereign's trust, + Like every British son of ADAM, + ('Midst the enthoosiatic bust + Of loud hoorays) _his_ "Aye, aye, Madam!" + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S HISTORICAL PARALLELS. No. 1. + +[Illustration: LORD CHURCHILL, KNOWN AS GRANDOLPH, AT THE BATTLE OF THE +ESTIMATES.] + + * * * * * + +SEEING HIS WAY. + +THE _Times_ Correspondent at Berlin lately alleged that the cautious and +diplomatic attitude of Prince FERDINAND of Coburg had somewhat damped +the enthusiasm of the deputation that waited on him to offer him the +Bulgarian Throne. The following are a few of the "posers" that His +Serene Highness is said to have put to the delegates on the occasion in +question. + +What sort of a place is Sofia? Does the climate resemble that of +Hampstead, will it support two Italian Operas in the Season, can it +boast an Underground Railway, and does it contain any respectable agent +for the sale of Turkish cigarettes? + +Does the Palace want repapering? Does it contain a throne, regalia, and +other royal appurtenances, left by the late tenant; and, if not, could +the deputation recommend any local emporium where these and other +suitable and necessary things could be temporarily secured at +advantageous terms on the three years' hire system? + +Will the Royal Salary touch £300 a year, and will it be paid regularly +in cash, and not in promissory notes at uncertain intervals? Will the +great Sobranje vote an additional sum to the civil list for +boot-cleaning and the expenses of a weekly charwoman for the Royal +household? Will the Prince's cab-hire, on the occasion of his attending +Official banquets, be forthcoming from the same source? + +Will the National party raise any objection to the Prince counting five +Russian Generals among the members of his Cabinet, as a slight means of +securing the amiable consideration of the CZAR? + +In the event of a sudden night _émeute_ threatening the stability of the +throne, would it be the business of the Prime Minister to arouse the +Prince, bring him his boots and shaving-water, and, providing him with a +trick-wig and comic disguise, point out to him briefly in a local +_Bradshaw_ the best available trains starting before dawn for the +frontier? + +Finally, if the Prince consented to accept the throne, and hired his +crown and coronation-robes from a well-known costumier's for the +occasion, would the great Sobranje defray the cost, or, if with a view +to the situation being a permanency, he could secure them at the price +of second-hand goods, would they be prepared to come to some arrangement +for their purchase? + + * * * * * + +A GROWING INDUSTRY.--Market-Gardening. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRODDING THEM ON. + +_Times (loquitur--to S-l-sb-ry and B-lf-r)._ "NOW THEN, WHAT ARE YOU +AFRAID OF? YOU'VE GOT YOUR WEAPON; USE IT, OR, IF YOU DON'T, YOU'LL +CATCH IT FROM ME!"] + + * * * * * + +AN EPITAPH + + TO THE MEMORY OF + THE EGYPTIAN CONVENTION. + IT WAS AN ILL-STARRED INSTRUMENT, + CONCEIVED IN DOUBT, MATURED IN PERPLEXITY, + AND + COMPLETED IN CONSTERNATION, + IT WAS ULTIMATELY DRAFTED WITH THE IMMEDIATE BUT + AMUSING EFFECT OF + SENDING THE DUC DE MONTEBELLO INTO HYSTERICS, + CAUSING AN ICY INDIFFERENCE ON THE PART OF M. NELIDOFF, + AND + INDUCING THE SULTAN TO SING + ONCE AND FOR ALL STRAIGHT OFF + AN ENTIRE ENCORE VERSE OF + "OH! WHAT A SURPRISE!" + THUS + HAPPILY AT ONE AND THE SAME TIME + HAVING FULFILLED THE TRIPLE PURPOSE + OF + RAISING THE PASSING SMILE OF DIPLOMATIC EUROPE, + THROWING SIR H. DRUMMOND WOLFF INTO A CONDITION OF + "ANIMATED EXPECTANCY," + AND + COSTING THE BRITISH TAX-PAYER £28,000 STERLING, + TO THE PERMANENT ASTONISHMENT OF ITS AUTHOR, + THE SMOTHERED SATISFACTION OF THE SUBLIME PORTE, + AND THE GENERAL REJOICING OF THE EGYPTIAN BOND-HOLDER, + IT RETURNED AT LENGTH TO THIS COUNTRY, + UNCRUMPLED, BUT UNSIGNED, + TO BE RELEGATED COMICALLY, BUT EFFECTUALLY, + TO A WASTE-PAPER BASKET AT THE FOREIGN OFFICE, + FROM WHICH IT IS THE DEVOUT HOPE OF THOUGHTFUL POLITICIANS, + THE SETTLED VERDICT OF PUBLIC OPINION, + AND + THE DETERMINED RESOLUTION OF LORD SALISBURY, + THAT ITS SHATTERED FRAGMENTS + SHALL NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, + AGAIN EMERGE. + + * * * * * + +Foul is Fair. + +(_A Parliamentary Song of Sixpence._) + + THE Irish M.P.'s, who are born to the manner, + Can't see any harm in the language of TANNER. + In war for ould Ireland they boldly declare + That the course they pursue is quite (Donnybrook) fair; + And with joy each impulsive Milesian howler + Cries, "If 'TANNER' be foul, there's 'BOB' that is FOWLER." + But Stooping to Conquer is always their plight; + Sir ROBERT'S, at worst, the Mistakes of a Knight. + + * * * * * + +THE GREAT THIRST LAND. + + WHY, in this clever age, + So "point-device," + Is there no beverage + Cool, cheap, and nice? + It's safe to rile ye, + Dog-days being here, + When you're charged highly + For iced ginger-beer. + + Who can be placid + When sixpence is paid + For sweet citric acid + Dubbed lemonade? + Is there no substitute + Which we may quaff + For tea with milk dilute, + Or shandy-gaff? + + A sheer abuse is + Ice joined to beer; + Our gastric juices + Hate it, and fear; + Half-pint-partakers, + When weather's hot, + Barons or bakers, + All go to pot. + + Should spirits tempt you, + Need it be said + Nought can exempt you + From a racked head, + Just like poor SISERA? + Soda's a snare? + Milk clogs the viscera; + Of "fizz" beware! + + Brandy each new nipper + Maketh go mad; + Juice of the juniper, + _You_'re berry bad! + Now that so many men + Counsel "Abstain!" + It's _rum_ that any men + Drink to their bane. + + In this heat tropical, + He's a true friend + Who, philanthropical, + Bids our thirst end. + Will no inventor + Try a new shot? + Here our hopes centre: + Who is our WATT? + + Our British livers + Don't care a rap + For "corpse-revivers,"-- + A nauseous tap! + Drink for the Million! + Nor dear or heady; + Bring me a chilly one-- + _But none is ready!_ + + * * * * * + +THE COURT CIRCULAR. + +THE Levée held by Mr. JOHN CLAYTON, and Mr. ARTHUR CECIL, on Friday +night, was numerously attended. Excellent specimens of Mr. PINERO'S work +were presented in the first Acts of the recent Court successes--to wit, +_The Schoolmistress_, _Dandy Dick_, and _The Magistrate_. Mr. CLAYTON +made an excellent speech, which was enthusiastically applauded, and Mrs. +JOHN WOOD and Miss NORREYS received special calls. After a brief +interval, during which Court favour will be extended to King William +Street, Strand, a more spacious palace will be erected for the reception +of Courtiers in Chelsea, where a new Comedy, by Mr. PINERO, will be +presented. Mr. ARTHUR CECIL, though retiring from managerial cares, +will, when the new Theatre is finished, undertake what would be a +difficult task for anybody else, to fill his usual place on the boards. + + * * * * * + +MAGAZINE TITLE (_applicable to the Police Station where Miss Cass was +temporarily locked up_),--"_Cass-cells._" + + * * * * * + +STUDIES FROM MR. PUNCH'S STUDIO. + +No. XXIX.--A LADY DRAMATIST. + +"YOU must do it at a _Matinée_," said her little crowd of five o'clock +tea-visitors, "and get Mr. ELLISTON DRURY to play the Roman Poet." + +One of the company was in earnest. Miss ELMIRA JENKS believed in her +hostess and friend. The others thought it "fun" to "egg on" Miss DE +GONCOURT to make herself ridiculous. + +[Illustration] + +"And why not take the part of the heroine yourself, dear?--nobody in all +your intellectual set recites so well. Why not act in your own +Tragedy--how delightful it would be!" + +"But you forget," said the Lady Dramatist, pouring out for her friend a +fresh cup of tea from a delicious specimen of Nankin blue into an +equally artistic cup of Oriental white. "You forget that I am thirty." + +On the contrary, their memories were excellent. + +"Thirty-five, if she's a day," was the silent verdict; aloud, it ran +thus:--"My dear, a woman is no older than she looks. You are +twenty-five, and, in the classic dress of the Roman Maiden, you will +appear twenty--not a day older." + +"You are very kind," she said; "but flattery is pleasant when it +encourages one's dearest hopes." + +"We do not flatter--we speak as critics, and friends," they replied. + +Mr. ELLISTON DRURY, the new Tragedian of the Parthenon Theatre, who had +come from the Provinces to astonish London, was the only Actor who had +given Miss DE GONCOURT any real encouragement to persevere in the +direction to which her ambition pointed; but he was full of sympathy, +and knew what it was himself to fight against prejudice, not to say +conspiracy. He had literally hewn his way through the ranks of his +opponents to the position he now held at the Parthenon. It was not a +very high position, it was true, but he had been seen and heard; and the +future was before him. + +Similarly, he had argued, in the interests of Dramatic Art, Miss DE +GONCOURT must fight her way. He used the aggressive verb metaphorically, +of course, and in its moral sense; but he meant it to imply all that was +fearless in the conduct of an earnest woman conscious of her literary +and dramatic power--she must fight her way! It had fallen to his lot to +read many original Dramas, but among all the unacted works of his time, +none were so full of promise as Miss DE GONCOURT'S _Before the Dawn_. He +could wish himself no better fortune than the opportunity of creating +the leading _rôle_ at a West End Theatre. + +Miss DE GONCOURT hung upon the music of his words. At least such was her +confession to Miss ELMIRA JENKS, her admirer and satellite, (every +dramatic student has a human satellite, or a confiding dog, and the +latter is generally the most constant) who agreed with her that in Art, +sympathy is everything. + +Miss DE GONCOURT may be said to have served an amateur apprenticeship to +the art of the playwright; it had begun at school with Charades; it had +progressed through several seasons of amateur theatricals; it had +culminated in five Acts of blank verse; and apart from the epistolary +appeals that had been made to London Managers, to save the reputation of +native modern dramatists by its immediate production, Miss ELMIRA JENKS +had discussed the work in a certain lady's journal, to which she +contributed, assuring the world that _Before the Dawn_ was worthy of the +noblest efforts of dramatic poetry. Miss DE GONCOURT was also put +forward as an honour to womanhood, having preferred the higher life of +Art to the lower mission of Matrimony; and all that she and her friends +now desired, was a fitting opportunity for the demonstration of the +integrity of her ambition, which was to follow in the footsteps of Mrs. +INCHBALD, JOANNA BAILLIE, and other distinguished lady dramatists. Miss +DE GONCOURT was a spinster and an orphan, with a settled income of three +hundred and fifty pounds a year; and she sat in her little Bedford Park +study from day to day, with a pen in her hand, and a smile on her lips, +a smile of hope and confidence. + +It was a dainty room, with a grey dimity dado, that marked off a few old +engravings of poetic and dramatic subjects. The over-mantel was green +and white, with busts of SHAKSPEARE, SHELLEY, JOAN OF ARC, and FLORENCE +NIGHTINGALE, upon its little shelves. There were bookcases and cabinets +here and there, containing favourite authors and relics of great +actresses, such as hair-pins used by HELEN FAUCIT, a shoestring +belonging to RACHEL, and a brooch which had been worn by Mrs. SIDDONS. +Had not these geniuses, watched, waited and suffered? Then what right +had she to be impatient? It must have been a sweet nature that could +philosophise thus in face of an entire cabinet of rejected plays, bound +in white morocco, emblematic of their purity, though destined, it might +be, to revolutionise the present frivolous stage as soon as the +production of _Before the Dawn_ should send both actors and managers to +their author's door ravenous for the right to give her other works to an +astonished and delighted public. + +This day of triumph might be nearer than either friends or scoffers +anticipated. Mr. ELLISTON DRURY had taken a warm interest in her work; +had indorsed the advice she had received to try _Before the Dawn_ at a +_Matinée_; had consented to play the leading character; and, what was +more interesting still, had volunteered to coach her in the part of the +heroine, if she was willing to impersonate that poetic and +self-sacrificing creation. Miss DE GONCOURT was willing to place herself +in the hands of Mr. ELLISTON DRURY; Miss DE GONCOURT did place herself +in his hands; and oh the rapture of hearing her words read to the +assembled company of "Artistes" in the Green Room of the Parthenon +Theatre on the day when the parts were distributed! The delight of those +first rehearsals! She felt so much at home on the Stage, that she began +to dream of a pre-existence in which she had been a priestess of Art, +somewhat after the manner of her Roman girl who, crowned with a poisoned +diadem, was sacrificed in the Temple, but to live again with the gods in +a sublimated world of song. Mr. ELLISTON DRURY accompanied her to the +train after each rehearsal, and paid her so much homage, that she began +to associate him in her tender feminine mind with the Roman youth for +whose love she was martyred at the shrine; and, long before the eventful +morning came, Mr. ELLISTON DRURY (who had received a fortnight's notice +at the Parthenon, but still had the future all before him) had made up +his mind to hang up his hat, for good, in the æsthetic little hall of +the DE GONCOURT inside the blue-and-white palings of the Bedford Park +Estate. + +"Was it not a success, then, _Before the Dawn_?" Ask the ring of +authors, the conspirators, the tribe of envy, hatred, and malice +assembled on that memorable occasion to crush the new authoress. Ask the +leading actors, who had always dreaded the day when Mr. ELLISTON DRURY +should play a star part in a Metropolitan Theatre. No, Ladies and +Gentlemen, _Before the Dawn_ was a failure. Certain prominent critics +were suborned to say so; and one of them, more cruel than the rest, +declared that all the humorous range of modern Burlesque did not supply +a reminiscence so positively comic as the scene in which the Roman +Maiden, staggering under her poisoned crown (which would fall into an +irresistibly funny angle with the Actress's un-Roman nose), hurled back +upon TIBERIUS CÆSAR the curse of the avenging gods. + +But they have a consolation, the Lady Dramatist and her illustrious +husband (he did hang up his hat, and his coat, he had little else to +move from his garret in the Strand), in having possibly found a more +useful field of duty than that of an active participation in the work +before the footlights. It has been sarcastically, and we believe +wrongfully asserted by a Tory Earl that critics are men who have failed +as authors; but a similar calumny has been perpetrated by Miss ELMIRA +JENKS (whose satelliteship came to a violent end with the marriage of +her bright particular star to Mr. ELLISTON DRURY) who has not hesitated +to declare in her unscrupulous paper that the modern teachers of +elocution are ladies and gentlemen who have failed as actors and +actresses. Mr. and Mrs. ELLISTON DRURY nevertheless pursue the even +tenor of their way; their elocution classes are well attended; Mrs. +DRURY'S afternoons never lack interesting visitors; and her husband's +occasional Shakspearian recitals at Hammersmith and Putney, inspire the +local critics with eloquent expressions of regret that the degenerate +condition of the stage should condemn so rare an actor to the +drawing-room and the platform. + +Mr. ELLISTON DRURY finds this a sufficient balm for his bruised soul; +and his admiring wife declares that walking along the vale of life hand +in hand with ELLISTON, is after all bliss enough, without the added and +questionable joy of being a popular Lady Dramatist. + + * * * * * + +"THE SATURDAY REVIEW" AT SPITHEAD.--Our Special's account is too late +for this week. He went away on Friday last, and was last seen on board +the new P. & O. ship _Victoria_. Wire just received says, "Steamed +through Fleet in tug. Tender reminiscences. Big guns everywhere. We're +the biggest. Salutations." That's all! + + * * * * * + +MRS. R. says she is glad her nephew became a good horseman before he was +called to the Bar, as he is always now going on Circus. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FELINE AMENITIES. + +TWO CASES OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY. + +_Mrs. de Vere Jones (rushing up to Mrs. Stanley Brown, whom she hates)._ +"OH, _HOW_ DO YOU DO, _DEAR LADY WRYMOUTH?_" + +[_Lady Wrymouth is said to be the plainest Woman in the whole British +Peerage!_ + +_Mrs. Stanley Brown._ "VERY WELL, THANKS, _DEAR MRS. CORMORAN._ HOW ARE +YOU?" + +[_Mrs. Cormoran is said to be the plainest Woman in the whole British +Empire!_] + + * * * * * + +MAKING IT EASY; + +OR, THE SHOEMAKER AND THE CONSIDERATE CUSTOMER. + +_Shoemaker_... Lord S-L-SB-RY. _Customer_... Lord H-RT-NGT-N. + +_Customer._ H-o-w-o-u-g-h!!! + +_Shoemaker (solicitously)._ Beg pardon, m'Lord! Hurt you, m'Lord? + +_Customer._ Hurt? I should think it did, indeed. + +_Shoemaker._ Very strange, m'Lord. 'Tother one seems to fit you to a +nicety. (_Aside._) Fancied _that_ might be a tight fit now. + +_Customer._ Humph! I can make shift with that. But this won't do at all. +Tight across the instep and pinches the toes awfully. (_Aside._) Hang +it! it's a beastly bad fit everyway; but that it wouldn't suit to me +change just now, I'd throw the confounded things on his hands and go +elsewhere. + +_Shoemaker (aside)._ He looks grumpy; I must mind my eye, or I shall +lose his custom. And that wouldn't suit my books a bit--just now. +(_Aloud._) Awfully sorry, I'm sure, m'Lord. We must try again. + +_Customer._ You ought to have got the measure of my foot better than +this, especially when I handed you my old lasts. + +_Shoemaker._ Well, m'Lord, you see, you've a bit--ahem!--_outgrown_ 'em +like, don't you see, m'Lord? + +_Customer._ _Outgrown_ them? What do you mean? Feet don't _grow_ at my +time of life. + +_Shoemaker (aside)._ How shall I put it so as not to huff him? Bunions +_are_ a growth; so are corns--of a kind. (_Aloud._) Why, m'Lord, I +think--I--a--fancy your last pair--Gladstone highlows they were--weren't +they?--trying shoes for tender feet, m'Lord--must have been just a +trifle too small, and--ahem!--compressed your feet a little, _at the +joints_, m'Lord. + +_Customer (aside)._ By Jove, he's right. G.'s tight fits have galled me +for some time past, and the last pair he made me I simply couldn't get +on. (_Aloud._) Hang it, man, what has that to do with it? Your business +is to fit my feet as they are. If you can't do it---- + +_Shoemaker (hastily)._ _Can't_, m'Lord? No such word in our shop, +m'Lord. I flatter myself we could fit the biggest beetle-crusher ever +bunion'd into the shape of a giant potato or a Californian nugget. Much +more _your_ shapely foot, m'Lord, which, if it has been nubblyfied a +leetle by misfits, will soon recover its proper proportions--under +proper treatment. + +_Customer._ Well, off with this boot, anyhow. You'll have to make it +longer and wider, ease it here and slacken it there, before _I_ can wear +it. + +_Shoemaker._ Very good, m'Lord. (_Aside._) Doosed imperative, but I +can't afford to offend him. Though I never expected an old-established +high-class firm like ours would have stooped to tout for any of botching +G.'s old customers. There's Mr. JOSEPH BRUMMAGEM, now, fancy my having +to kneel at _his_ feet, and take _his_ measure! More particular than +this one, if anything, and puts him up to half his objections, I +believe. Well, well, trade's bad, and we mustn't be too scrupulous, I +suppose. Besides, some of G.'s old customers seem drifting back to the +old shop we thought was just about shutting up, and that won't do at any +price. + +_Customer (irritably)._ What are you muttering and murmuring about? + +_Shoemaker._ Murmuring, m'Lord? Oh dear no, m'Lord. Not at all, m'Lord. +Quite _the_ contrary. I was only blessing that there G. for spoiling the +Trade as he has done. Brought us down from Wellingtons, and even his own +smartly cut Oxonians to borough Bluchers and rustic highlows; and now +wants to set a new fashion all on a sudden, and make us all take to his +confounded badly cut Irish brogues. Yah! Chaps like G. ought to be +boycotted--ahem!--I mean Primrose-Leagued out of the profession. Wonder +any gentleman can condescend to deal with him. Now, _my_ customers, as +your friend Mr. JOSEPH kindly acknowledged t'other day, are gentlemen to +a man, and for cut, style, finish and polish, I _will_ say---- + +_Customer._ Oh, yes, no doubt. But the point just at present, my good +fellow, is _fit_. If you miss that you miss all. + +_Shoemaker (eagerly)._ Oh, have no fear on that account, m'Lord. +Elastic's the word, m'Lord. We've any number of different trees, and our +leather is warranted to stretch to any extent. We'll even alter our +favourite old-fashionable cut to suit such customers as _you_! + +[Illustration: MAKING IT EASY. + +SHOEMAKER (_most accommodating_). "THE OTHER FITS ALL RIGHT, +M'LORD--THIS ONE WAS A BIT TIGHT,--BUT NOW I'VE EASED IT YOU'LL BE ABLE +TO WEAR IT WITH PERFECT COMFORT. WE CAN'T AFFORD TO LOSE YOUR CUSTOM, +M'LORD!"] + +_Customer._ Thanks. The fashion _is_ changing a +little, I fear. I don't want to leave you, and I won't go back to G.--if +I can help it. If his brogue should become the vogue--but there, it's +shocking to think of it. Give us a decent fit which we can wear in +public without reproach, and we'll stick to you. But how about this +boot? + +_Shoemaker (with effusion)._ Oh, we'll alter it to _any_ extent, to suit +your taste, m'Lord, though it isn't exactly the cut upon which our House +has always prided itself. There! It _was_ a bit tight, but now I've +eased it you'll be able to wear it with perfect comfort. We can't afford +to lose _your_ custom, m'Lord! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE CONVENTIONAL MISSIONARY WHO COULDN'T CONVERT THE +SULTAN. + +"Sir DRUMMOND WOLFF'S Mission is at an end."--_Papers generally._] + + * * * * * + +'ARRY ON ANGLING. + + DEAR CHARLIE, + + 'Ow are yer, my arty, and 'ow does this Summer suit _you?_ + Selp me never, old pal, it's a scorcher! _I_ lap lemon-squosh till + all's blue, + And then feel as dry as a dust-bin. Want all SPIERS and POND'S + upon trust, + For it do make a 'ole in the ochre to deal with a true first-class thust. + + But it's proper, dear boy, yus it's proper, this weather is, + took on the 'ole, + And for 'oliday outings and skylarks it sets a chap fair on the roll. + Where d'yer think as I spent my last bust up? I know you'd be out + of the 'unt + If you guessed for a 'ole month o' Sundays. I passed it, old pal, + _in a punt!_ + + "O Walker!" sez you, "that's 'is gammon!" No, CHARLIE, it's righteous, + dear boy. + It's quite true that to chivvy Thames hanglers is jest what we used + to enjoy. + Rekerlek that old buffer at Richmond, and 'ow we shoved foul of his swim, + And lost him a middlin'-sized barbel and set his straw tile on the skim? + + Hangling isn't my mark, that's a moral, and fishermen mostly is fools; + To chaff 'em and tip 'em the kibosh is one of my reglarest rules; + And it ain't our sort only as does it, you take the non-anglers + all round, + An you'll find that in potting the puntist they're 'ARRIES right down + to the ground. + + All our chicest stock-jokes and pet patter they mops up, like mugs as + they are, + For they _might_ cut their own chaff, eh, CHARLIE? not borrow it all + from the bar. + But I've seen little toffs in white weskits a slinging _our_ lingo + to rights, + About colds, and cock-salmons, and shop 'uns; it's one of the + rummiest sights. + + Of course they all trot out SAM JOHNSON; you know the fine crusted + old wheeze. + I chucked it one day at a cove as lay stretched at the foot of + some trees. + "Fool at one end and worm at the other?" sez he. "Ah! that's neat, + and _so_ new, + And as you seem to be worm _and_ fool, one may say 'extremes meet'. + Sir, in _you_." + + 'Owsomever _I_'ve 'ad a day's 'ooking at last, and it wasn't arf bad. + You know since I turned Primrose Leaguer I've mixed with the Toppers, + my lad; + And one on 'em, pal of the Prince, I believe, got JACK JOLTER a pass + For some fine preserved waters; no pay, mate, and everythink fixed up + fust-class. + + JACK arsked me and BELL BONSOR to jine him, and seein' it didn't mean tin, + And the 'ole thing seemed swell, with good grubbing and lots o' + prime lotion chucked in. + I was "on" like a shot. BELL'S a bloomer, and JACK, though a bit + of a jug, + Is too long in the purse to let slip; so the game looked all proper + and snug. + + JACK'S a straw-thatched young joker in gig-lamps, good-natured, and + nuts on the sport. + He turns up with four rods and two bait-cans, and tackle of every + dashed sort. + Such rum-looking gimcracks, my pippin; lines coiled up in boxes + and books, + And live-bait, and worms all a-wriggle, and big ugly bunches of 'ooks. + + _I_ was a'most afraid to set down, for the things seemed all over + the shop, + And BELL she kep startin' and squeakin', a-settin' me fair on the 'op; + Fust a fish as dabbed flop on her 'at, then a 'ook as got snagged + in 'er skirt, + It was one blessed squork all the time, mate, though nothink much + 'appened to 'urt. + + Pooty spot; sort o' lake green and windin', with nice quiet "swims" + all about. + Though I must say _I_ missed the Thames gammocks, the snide comic song, + and the shout. + No larks at the locks, no collisions, no landings for lotion, you know, + And, but for Miss BELL and the bottle, it might a bin jest a bit slow. + + But the prog was A 1, and no kid. Though JACK stuck to his tackle + like wax, + BELL and me was soon stodging like winkles; that gal _did_ make play + with the snacks. + "_Strike!_" cries JACK--"you've a _bite_!" "Yes, I know it," sez I, + with my mouth full of 'am. + "Wot do _you_ think, Miss B.?"--and she larfed till 'er cheeks went + like raspberry jam. + + JOLTER looked jest a mossel disgusted, and turned a bit rusty, for _him_, + When we made the punt rock in our romps, which he said was "disturbing + the swim." + And when he had hooked a fine perch, and Miss BELL made a dash at + the line, + And the fish flobbered back with a flop, JACK'S escape from a cuss cut + it fine. + + Then he pulled in his "trimmer," and, scissors! a jolly big jack + came aboard, + Wich flopped round us, and showed his sharp teeth, till Miss BONSOR + went pasty, and roared. + Reg'lar shark; made a grab at my pants when I tried to cut in + to BELL'S aid; + And I'm blowed if she didn't turn raspy, and chaff me for + being _afraid_. + + Arter this things appeared to go quisby; BELL'S skirt 'ad got slimed, + dontcher see. + And she vowed it was spiled, while JACK looked jest as though he could + scrumplicate me. + So sez I, "Let us turn up this barney, and toddle ashore for some grub;" + And we pulled up the stone and the hanchor, and made a bee-line for + our pub. + + The dinner soon smoothed down our feathers, though JACK 'ad a sad + sort o' look. + Selfish fellows these hanglers are, CHARLIE, they carn't keep their + heye off the 'ook. + Bless yer 'art, 'cos we struck arter dinner, and chucked up the perch + for a spree, + And took a turn round, me a pulling, that JACK looked as blue as + could be. + + 'Owsomever we chaffed 'im a good 'un. Miss BELL and yours truly + got thick, + Wen I told 'er 'er lips wos true "spoon"-bait, _she_ twigged wot + I meant pooty quick. + "Oh, I carn't abide anglers," she whispered, "they're flabby and cold + like their fish, + 'Ow I wish JACK would jest sling 'is 'ook, and leave hus,--well, + _you_ know wot I wish." + + "Oh. I'm fly, dear," sez I, with a 'ug. So I nobbled the Guard + with a tip, + And we managed to nip in fust-class, and so gave Master JOLTER the slip. + It give 'im the needle in course, being left in the lurch in this way, + But the petticoats know wot is wot, and so wot's your true dasher to say? + + JACK 'as cut me since then at the "Primrose Club," bust 'im! + I don't care a toss; + Your angler is _always_ a juggins, so _he_'s no pertikler big loss. + BELL BONSOR is mashed on me proper, and _if_ I'd a fancy to marry,-- + But _if_ there's a fish as _ain't_ easy to 'ook it's + + Yours artfully, 'ARRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "MODEL" LEGISLATION. + +_Wandering Student (to his Companion, after reading Poster)._ "'CLASS OF +VISI----' WELL, I'M ---- WHAT ARE THE ARTS IN THIS COUNTRY COMING TO, +JIMMEY!?" [_Exeunt depressed!_] + + * * * * * + +THE COUNTRY-COUSIN'S VADE MECUM. + +_Question._ So you have conscientiously done the Jubilee? + +_Answer._ Certainly. For the last month I have scarcely ever been to +bed. + +_Q._ Why? _A._ Somehow I have not retired to rest before it has been +time to get up. + +_Q._ Did you go to the Abbey? + +_A._ That I did! Most touching! Shall never forget---- + +_Q._ Thank you. I think I can supply as much as you want of that sort of +thing. I will not trouble you for any descriptions. Were you at the +Guildhall Ball? + +_A._ I was, and saw all the foreign Royalties. + +_Q._ How did the LORD MAYOR get through it? + +_A._ On the whole, well; although the Remembrancer, in a full-bottomed +wig, rushing about, in a very energetic fashion, was suggestive of +_Fusbos_ in _Bombastes Furioso_. + +_Q._ Were you at the Royal Academy _Soirée_? + +_A._ Certainly. It was a very large gathering. + +_Q._ And who did you see there? + +_A._ The same persons as those I had noticed in the Abbey. + +_Q._ And they were---- + +_A._ The persons I had seen at the Reform Club +Ball. + +_Q._ And they? + +_A._ Were subsequently found at the Inner Temple Ball, +the Gray's Inn Maske, and the laying of the foundation-stone of the +Institute. + +_Q._ Was the _Maske of Flowers_ a success? + +_A._ A very great success; but it was all I could do to keep awake--I +was so dead beat--in the Gray's Inn grounds at the Garden Party +afterwards. + +_Q._ And the Volunteer Review--how did you like that? + +_A._ Oh, splendid! Nearly thirty thousand men all marching past. + +_Q._ And the Review at Aldershot? + +_A._ Magnificent! Nearly seventy thousand men marching past. + +_Q._ Did they all pass you? + +_A._ Yes, all. They took three hours or more in doing it. They were all +alike. Seventy thousand men, all alike, for three hours. It was deeply +interesting. + +_Q._ Did you see the QUEEN? + +_A._ I saw where she was, but HER MAJESTY was concealed from view by the +Long Valley dust. + +_Q._ Did you go to the Lincoln's Inn Garden Party? + +_A._ To meet Lord HERSCHELL, his friends, and the Prince and Princess? +Certainly. It differed from other Garden Parties in having in the +grounds a sort of bath containing a fountain, ducks, and (to the best of +my belief) turtles. + +_Q._ Have you been to many Garden Parties? + +_A._ Oh yes, to a large number. I have been to nineteen with Indian +Princes complete, and two without. + +_Q._ Did you go to the Naval Review? + +_A._ Oh yes; in the middle of the night. I came back before the dawn on +the following morning. + +_Q._ Was it very beautiful? + +_A._ Very--what I could see of it. + +_Q._ What did you see of it? + +_A._ Not much. + +_Q._ Have you done anything else? + +_A._ I have been in a chronic state of dinners, balls, operas, laying of +foundation-stones, fireworks, and marches past. + +_Q._ Are you at all confused? + +_A._ So much confused, that I have just head enough left to try, in a +feeble manner, to get back to the country. + +_Q._ And if you do get back to the country, when shall you again visit +town? + +_A._ Well, it is my impression, not just immediately! + + * * * * * + +SIDONIAN SHAKSPEARE. + +IN a deep and dark recess, among the sepulchral chambers of Sidon, on a +splendid Sarcophagus in black stone, the delvers of the Palestine +Exploration Committee lately discovered an ancient Phoenician +inscription, which has been translated in a Beyrout newspaper as +follows:-- + + "I, TALNITE, Priest of Astarte, and King of Sidon, son of + ESHMUNAZAR, Priest of Astarte, and King of Sidon, lying in this + tomb, say:--Come not to open my tomb; there is here neither gold, + nor silver, nor treasure. He who will open this tomb shall have no + prosperity under the sun, and shall not find repose in the grave." + +If the explorers who unearthed TALNITE'S epitaph had been able to read +it, they might have been fit to shake in their shoes; only that no +Archæologist now makes any bones whatever of rifling an ancient tomb. +Hereafter, perhaps, the Australian emissary of a British Exploration +Fund will not be deterred by a commination similar to the foregoing from +opening the tomb of SHAKSPEARE, and perhaps removing both that +Sarcophagus and its contents, should he find any remaining, to a +Melbourne Museum. + + * * * * * + +THE OTHER "G. O. M."--G. OSBOURNE MORGAN. ("Mr. G." must copyright the +initials.) + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM + +THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_Monday, July 18._--Pretty incident in Lords to-night. Debate on Third +Reading of Coercion Bill. In middle of proceedings DENMAN remembered +four other lines for quotation from late Lord HOUGHTON'S poems. Last +time he recited from this source the reporters, as he complained, had +not reproduced the quotation. Evidently in strong force in Gallery +to-night; working away at high pressure. Now the time, or never. So +DENMAN rose and began-- + +"My name is NORVAL----" + +[Illustration: DR. SPEAKER BIRCH AND HIS YOUNG PARLIAMENTARY FRIENDS. +GIVING IT THEM ALL ROUND.] + +Unfortunately GRANVILLE rose at same moment. Didn't seem at all +interested in further biographical details, and recurred to Coercion +Bill. DENMAN not to be turned aside. + +"----On the Grampian hills," + +he continued; whereupon the Markiss rose and moved formal Resolution +that GRANVILLE be heard. + +Evidently some misunderstanding; but DENMAN too polite to insist on +pushing himself forward; resumed his seat, and patiently awaited +conclusion of GRANVILLE'S speech. Thereupon promptly rose again, and +approached the table. So did the Markiss, and the two Statesmen stood +and glared at each other across the table. + +"My name----" DENMAN began. + +"My Lords," said the Markiss. + +"Order! order!" shouted the Peers. Then GRANVILLE remembered what the +Markiss had done for him in similar circumstances, and, interposing, +moved that the Markiss be heard. House agreed, and _Norval_, retiring +from the Grampian hills, withdrew to the Lowlands by the Bar. + +In Commons GRANDOLPH turned up in his favourite character as Economist. +Crammed to the moustache. Figures which he rattled out show that First +Lord and Board of Admiralty are spendthrifts. Quite a marvellous store +of learning, which hampered HAMILTON, baffled BERESFORD, riled REED and +flurried FORWOOD. + +This, the serious business of the sitting, prefaced by a privilege case +which of course attracted much more attention. LONG complained that on +addressing TANNER in Lobby after debate of Friday, Member for Mid-Cork +had turned upon him and abused him in coarsest language. Old Morality +moved that TANNER be suspended for a month. Many Members of opinion that +O. M. need not have been so precise. As they _were_ hanging him up, a +month or two more or less would make no difference. Others laid the +blame on LONG, who opened the conversation. + +"If a man touches pitch he must expect to be defiled," said Lady PARKER, +gyrating coquettishly in the Lobby. SEXTON moved adjournment of debate +till Thursday. In course of speech fell upon GENT-DAVIS standing at Bar, +"smiling," as SEXTON bitterly said, "in such a superior manner." Finding +a head there, SEXTON brought down shillelagh on it. Suddenness of +assault took away G.-D.'s breath. Very indignant when he recovered. + +"What business had he to attack me?" he asked. "I'll interpolate the +SPEAKER, and see if this, too, isn't a Breach of Privilege." + +_Business done._--Supply. + +_Tuesday._--Seems TANNER not the only Member who has been "saying +things" in the Lobby. Alderman FOWLER accused of having sinned in a +similar way against HOWELL. Irish Members gleefully taken up case. +SEXTON gave notice that on Thursday, when Motion for suspension of +TANNER comes on, he will move that FOWLER be also suspended for a month. +"They can go away together for a month in the country," TIM HEALY says; +"or might take a trip to Norway. Anyhow, they'll be able to pair for the +remainder of the Session." + +FOWLER makes light of the threat, but not at all a pleasant thing. +Parliamentary life, as a whole, getting rather a weariness to the flesh. +Only the other day he was sat upon in connection with the manufacture of +bogus petitions, now is to be brought up for using bad language in the +Lobby. Wishes he'd been made a Jubilee Peer. + +[Illustration: "If a man touches pitch," &c.] + +After questions, gallant little Wales came up, piping its eye. +Thirty-one men been arrested in connection with Tithe Riots near Ruthin. +Government, having got into swing in Ireland, proposed to change the +_venue_, and try prisoners by Special Jury. ELLIS moved Adjournment in +order to protest. Backed up by OSBORNE MORGAN, HARCOURT, DILLWYN, and +others. On other side, ATTORNEY-GENERAL justified course taken, and +SOLICITOR-GENERAL declared OSBORNE MORGAN'S speech "a scandal to the +House of Commons." Idea of OSBORNE MORGAN creating a scandal shocked the +House; CLARKE obliged to withdraw remark, and apologise. + +Gem of the evening was SWETENHAM'S speech. Delightful the ease and +fluency with which he pronounced such words as Llanymrech and +Llansaintfraid, and others guiltless of a vowel. Delicious the way in +which he ogled OSBORNE MORGAN, slily insinuating his intimate knowledge +of the criminal classes. What with his remarks, and the accusation of +the SOLICITOR-GENERAL, House began to think there was more in OSBORNE +MORGAN than met the eye, and that it had, unawares, been nursing a viper +in its bosom. + +_Business done._--Supply. + +[Illustration: "Scandalous!"] + +_Thursday._--Dr. TANNER and Alderman FOWLER both in their places at +Question Time. First business on paper was Adjourned Debate on Old +Morality's Motion to suspend TANNER for a month. SEXTON gave notice to +haul up the Alderman on charge similar to that which hung over meek head +of TANNER. TANNER in apologetic mood, but the Alderman defiant. In +course of debate HOWELL, alleged victim of Alderman's minatory +observations, attempted to introduce the subject. TANNER debate been on +for hour and half; began to flag a little. Time seemed opportune for +serving up the Alderman. But SPEAKER peremptorily interposed, and would +have none of it. Sufficient for the day was the TANNER thereof, and so +the Alderman, a pillar of the Church, a mainstay of the State, must go +down to posterity under charge of having used naughty words in the +Lobby. + +TANNER episode proved lively enough. TANNER apologised for language used +to WALTER LONG, and duly expressed his regret. All eyes turned upon Old +Morality. Expected, as Leader of House, to interpose, and bring +unsavoury proceedings to swift close--and so, let us go to business. But +O. M. let LONG slip in with correction of TANNER'S version of what had +passed. Squabbled for half-an-hour as to what had really been said. +House got its back up. Opportunity for controlling it passed. Storm grew +higher as moments slipped by. HARCOURT in his element, thumping the +table and shouting at top of his voice in effort, sometimes vain, to +make himself heard amid clamour on opposite benches. Finally, WHITBREAD +appealed to SPEAKER to give his opinion. This awkward for SPEAKER, who +must needs offend one or other of angry parties. Acquitted himself +admirably. With infinite tact expressed his opinion that, as contended +from Opposition Benches, TANNER'S apology "formal, distinct, and +unreserved." Rather a snub this for Old Morality and HARTINGTON, who had +backed him up. But decision unanimously accepted, and the smile which +BIGWOOD reported he had "seen on the countenance of Dr. TANNER" when +first addressed in Lobby by LONG, returned. + +[Illustration: "We've lost two hours' precious time."] + +"We've lost two hours' precious time," said KENNAWAY, walking out, "and +the only person that's made anything out of it is TANNER. A week ago was +in low water, snubbed by his own friends, for whom his conduct was too +bad. Now elevated to position of persecuted hero, made the subject of +elaborate debate, dragged Government into fresh muddle, and brought upon +them rebuke from highest authority in the House." + +_Business done._--Got into Committee on Land Bill. + +_Friday._--House assembled this afternoon at Waterloo Station, bound for +Portsmouth and Southampton, to see the Review. + +_Business done._--Took return-tickets. + + * * * * * + +"DEAR me!" said Mrs. RAM, "I always thought that Margarine was a foreign +title. Wasn't there a Margarine of Hesse?" + + * * * * * + +GOOD-WOODCUTS. + +_By D. Crambo, Junior._ + +[Illustration: "Ham?--Steaks!"] + +[Illustration: "Rich! mon'!"] + +[Illustration: Fin-don.] + +[Illustration: Little Time was lost in getting to the Post.] + +[Illustration: Taking Inside Place.] + +[Illustration: Drawing Out Clear]. + +[Illustration] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, +whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, +will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and +Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no +exception. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +93. 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