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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/32864-h.zip b/32864-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f3359a9 --- /dev/null +++ b/32864-h.zip diff --git a/32864-h/32864-h.htm b/32864-h/32864-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8ee6595 --- /dev/null +++ b/32864-h/32864-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1482 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<!-- $Id: header.txt 236 2009-12-07 18:57:00Z vlsimpson $ --> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> + <title> + The Project Gutenberg eBook of Bedside Manner, by William Morrison. + </title> + <style type="text/css"> + +body { + margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; +} + + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; +} + +p { + margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; +} + +hr { + width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + clear: both; +} + +table { + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; +} + +.pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ + /* visibility: hidden; */ + position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: smaller; + text-align: right; +} /* page numbers */ + +.linenum { + position: absolute; + top: auto; + left: 4%; +} /* poetry number */ + +.blockquot { + margin-left: 5%; + margin-right: 10%; +} + +.sidenote { + width: 20%; + padding-bottom: .5em; + padding-top: .5em; + padding-left: .5em; + padding-right: .5em; + margin-left: 1em; + float: right; + clear: right; + margin-top: 1em; + font-size: smaller; + color: black; + background: #eeeeee; + border: dashed 1px; +} + +.bb {border-bottom: solid 2px;} + +.bl {border-left: solid 2px;} + +.bt {border-top: solid 2px;} + +.br {border-right: solid 2px;} + +.bbox {border: solid 2px;} + +.center {text-align: center;} + +.smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + +.u {text-decoration: underline;} + +.caption {font-weight: bold;} + +/* Images */ +.figcenter { + margin: auto; + text-align: center; +} + +.figleft { + float: left; + clear: left; + margin-left: 0; + margin-bottom: 1em; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-right: 1em; + padding: 0; + text-align: center; +} + +.figright { + float: right; + clear: right; + margin-left: 1em; + margin-bottom: + 1em; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-right: 0; + padding: 0; + text-align: center; +} + +/* Footnotes */ +.footnotes {border: dashed 1px;} + +.footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + +.footnote .label {position: absolute; right: 84%; text-align: right;} + +.fnanchor { + vertical-align: super; + font-size: .8em; + text-decoration: + none; +} + +/* Poetry */ +.poem { + margin-left:10%; + margin-right:10%; + text-align: left; +} + +.poem br {display: none;} + +.poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + +.poem span.i0 { + display: block; + margin-left: 0em; + padding-left: 3em; + text-indent: -3em; +} + +.poem span.i2 { + display: block; + margin-left: 2em; + padding-left: 3em; + text-indent: -3em; +} + +.poem span.i4 { + display: block; + margin-left: 4em; + padding-left: 3em; + text-indent: -3em; +} + + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Bedside Manner, by William Morrison + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Bedside Manner + +Author: William Morrison + +Illustrator: VIDMER + +Release Date: June 17, 2010 [EBook #32864] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BEDSIDE MANNER *** + + + + +Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + + +<div class="figcenter"> +<img src="images/cover.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<h1>BEDSIDE MANNER</h1> + +<h2>By WILLIAM MORRISON</h2> + +<h3>Illustrated by VIDMER</h3> + +<p>[Transcriber Note: This etext was produced from Galaxy Science Fiction +May 1954. Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. +copyright on this publication was renewed.]</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + +<div class="sidenote">Broken, helpless, she had to trust an alien doctor to give +her back her body and mind—a doctor who had never seen a human before!</div> + + +<p>She awoke, and didn't even wonder where she was.</p> + +<p>First there were feelings—a feeling of existence, a sense of still +being alive when she should be dead, an awareness of pain that made her +body its playground.</p> + +<p>After that, there came a thought. It was a simple thought, and her mind +blurted it out before she could stop it: <i>Oh, God, now I won't even be +plain any more. I'll be ugly.</i></p> + +<p>The thought sent a wave of panic coursing through her, but she was too +tired to experience any emotion for long, and she soon drowsed off.</p> + +<p>Later, the second time she awoke, she wondered where she was.</p> + +<p>There was no way of telling. Around her all was black and quiet. The +blackness was solid, the quiet absolute. She was aware of pain +again—not sharp pain this time, but dull, spread throughout her body. +Her legs ached; so did her arms. She tried to lift them, and found to +her surprise that they did not respond. She tried to flex her fingers, +and failed.</p> + +<p>She was paralyzed. She could not move a muscle of her body.</p> + +<p>The silence was so complete that it was frightening. Not a whisper of +sound reached her. She had been on a spaceship, but none of a ship's +noises came to her now. Not the creak of an expanding joint, nor the +occasional slap of metal on metal. Not the sound of Fred's voice, nor +even the slow rhythm of her own breathing.</p> + +<p>It took her a full minute to figure out why, and when she had done so +she did not believe it. But the thought persisted, and soon she knew +that it was true.</p> + +<p>The silence was complete because she was deaf.</p> + +<p>Another thought: The blackness was so deep because she was blind.</p> + +<p>And still another, this time a questioning one: Why, if she could feel +pain in her arms and legs, could she not move them? What strange form of +paralysis was this?</p> + +<p>She fought against the answer, but slowly, inescapably, it formed in her +mind. She was not paralyzed at all. She could not move her arms and legs +because she had none. The pains she felt were phantom pains, conveyed by +the nerve endings without an external stimulus.</p> + +<p>When this thought penetrated, she fainted. Her mind sought in +unconsciousness to get as close to death as it could.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>When she awoke, it was against her will. She sought desperately to close +her mind against thought and feeling, just as her eyes and ears were +already closed.</p> + +<p>But thoughts crept in despite her. Why was she alive? Why hadn't she +died in the crash?</p> + +<div class="figright"> +<img src="images/illus1.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<p>Fred must certainly have been killed. The asteroid had come into view +suddenly; there had been no chance of avoiding it. It had been a miracle +that she herself had escaped, if escape it could be called—a mere +sightless, armless and legless torso, with no means of communication +with the outside world, she was more dead than alive. And she could not +believe that the miracle had been repeated with Fred.</p> + +<p>It was better that way. Fred wouldn't have to look at her and +shudder—and he wouldn't have to worry about himself, either. He had +always been a handsome man, and it would have killed him a second time +to find himself maimed and horrible.</p> + +<p>She must find a way to join him, to kill herself. It would be difficult, +no doubt, without arms or legs, without any way of knowing her +surroundings; but sooner or later she would think of a way. She had +heard somewhere of people strangling themselves by swallowing their own +tongues, and the thought cheered her. She could at least try that right +now. She could—</p> + +<p>No, she couldn't. She hadn't realized it before, but she had no tongue.</p> + +<p>She didn't black out at this sudden awareness of a new horror, although +she desperately wanted to. She thought: <i>I can make an effort of will, I +can force myself to die. Die, you fool, you helpless lump of flesh. Die +and end your torture, die, die, die....</i></p> + +<p>But she didn't. And after a while, a new thought came to her: She and +Fred had been the only ones on their ship; there had been no other ship +near them. Who had kept her from dying? Who had taken her crushed body +and stopped the flow of blood and tended her wounds and kept her alive? +And for what purpose?</p> + +<p>The silence gave no answer. Nor did her own mind.</p> + +<p>After an age, she slept again.</p> + +<p>When she awoke, a voice said, "Do you feel better?"</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>I <i>can hear</i>! she shouted to herself. <i>It's a strange voice, a most +unusual accent. I couldn't possibly have imagined it. I'm not deaf! +Maybe I'm not blind either! Maybe I just had a nightmare</i>—</p> + +<p>"I know that you cannot answer. But do not fear. You will soon be able +to speak again."</p> + +<p>Who was it? Not a man's voice, nor a woman's. It was curiously hoarse, +and yet clear enough. Uninflected, and yet pleasant. A doctor? Where +could a doctor have come from?</p> + +<p>"Your husband is also alive. Fortunately, we reached both of you at +about the time death had just begun."</p> + +<p>Fortunately? She felt a flash of rage. <i>You should have let us die. It +would be bad enough to be alive by myself, a helpless cripple dependent +upon others. But to know that Fred is alive too is worse. To know that +he has a picture of me like this, ugly and horrifying, is more than I +can stand. With any other man it would be bad enough, but with Fred it's +unendurable. Give me back the ability to talk, and the first thing I'll +ask of you is to kill me. I don't want to live.</i></p> + +<p>"It may reassure you to know that there will be no difficulty about +recovering the use of the limbs proper to you, and the organs of +sensation. It will take time, but there is no doubt about the final +outcome."</p> + +<p>What nonsense, she asked herself, was this? Doctors had done wonders in +the creation and fitting of artificial arms and legs, but he seemed to +be promising her the use of <i>real</i> limbs. And he had said, "organs of +sensation." That didn't sound as if he meant that she'd see and hear +electronically. It meant—</p> + +<p>Nonsense. He was making a promise he couldn't keep. He was just saying +that to make her feel better, the way doctors did. He was saying it to +give her courage, keep her morale up, make her feel that it was worth +fighting. But it <i>wasn't</i> worth fighting. She had no courage to keep up. +She wanted only to die.</p> + +<p>"Perhaps you have already realized that I am not what you would call +human. However, I suggest that you do not worry too much about that. I +shall have no difficulty in reconstructing you properly according to +your own standards."</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>Then the voice ceased, and she was left alone. It was just as well, she +thought. He had said too much. And she couldn't answer, nor ask +questions of her own ... and she had so many.</p> + +<p>He wasn't human? Then what was he? And how did he come to speak a human +language? And what did he mean to do with her after he had reconstructed +her? And what would she look like after she was reconstructed?</p> + +<p>There were races, she knew, that had no sense of beauty. Or if they had +one, it wasn't like a human sense of beauty. Would he consider her +properly reconstructed if he gave her the right number of arms and legs, +and artificial organs of sight that acted like eyes—and made her look +like some creature out of Hell? Would he be proud of his handiwork, as +human doctors had been known to be, when their patients ended up alive +and helpless, their bodies scarred, their organs functioning feebly and +imperfectly? Would he turn her into something that Fred would look at +with abhorrence and disgust?</p> + +<p>Fred had always been a little too sensitive to beauty in women. He had +been able to pick and choose at his will, and until he had met her he +had always chosen on the basis of looks alone. She had never understood +why he had married her. Perhaps the fact that she was the one woman he +knew who <i>wasn't</i> beautiful had made her stand out. Perhaps, too, she +told herself, there was a touch of cruelty in his choice. He might have +wanted someone who wasn't too sure of herself, someone he could count on +under all circumstances. She remembered how people had used to stare at +them—the handsome man and the plain woman—and then whisper among +themselves, wondering openly how he had ever come to marry her. Fred had +liked that; she was sure he had liked that.</p> + +<p>He had obviously <i>wanted</i> a plain wife. Now he would have an ugly one. +Would he want <i>that</i>?</p> + +<p>She slept on her questions, and waked and slept repeatedly. And then, +one day, she heard the voice again. And to her surprise, she found that +she could answer back—slowly, uncertainly, at times painfully. But she +could speak once more.</p> + +<p>"We have been working on you," said the voice. "You are coming along +nicely."</p> + +<p>"Am I—am I—" she found difficulty asking: "How do I look?"</p> + +<p>"Incomplete."</p> + +<p>"I must be horrible."</p> + +<p>A slight pause. "No. Not horrible at all. Not to me. Merely incomplete."</p> + +<p>"My husband wouldn't think so."</p> + +<p>"I do not know what your husband would think. Perhaps he is not used to +seeing incomplete persons. He might even be horrified at the sight of +himself."</p> + +<p>"I—I hadn't thought of that. But he—we'll both be all right?"</p> + +<p>"As a medical problem, you offer no insuperable difficulty. None at +all."</p> + +<p>"Why—why don't you give me eyes, if you can? Are you afraid—afraid +that I might see you and find you—terrifying?"</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>Again a pause. There was amusement in the reply. "I do not think so. No, +that is not the reason."</p> + +<p>"Then it's because—as you said about Fred—I might find myself +horrifying?"</p> + +<p>"That is part of the reason. Not the major part, however. You see, I am, +in a way, experimenting. Do not be alarmed, please—I shall not turn you +into a monster. I have too much knowledge of biology for that. But I am +not too familiar with human beings. What I know I have learned mostly +from your books, and I have found that in certain respects there are +inaccuracies contained in them—I must go slowly until I can check what +they say. I might mend certain organs, and then discover that they do +not have the proper size or shape, or that they produce slightly altered +hormones. I do not want to make such mistakes, and if I do make them, I +wish to correct them before they can do harm."</p> + +<p>"There's no danger—?"</p> + +<p>"None, I assure you. Internally and externally, you will be as before."</p> + +<p>"Internally and externally. Will I—will I be able to have children?"</p> + +<p>"Yes. We ourselves do not have your distinctions of sex, but we are +familiar with them in many other races. We know how important you +consider them. I am taking care to see that the proper glandular balance +is maintained in both yourself and your husband."</p> + +<p>"Thank you—Doctor. But I still don't understand—why don't you give me +eyes right away?"</p> + +<p>"I do not wish to give you eyes that see imperfectly, and then be forced +to take them away. Nor do I want you to watch imperfect arms and legs +developing. It would be an unnecessary ordeal. When I am sure that +everything is as it should be, then I shall start your eyes."</p> + +<p>"And my husband—"</p> + +<p>"He will be reconstructed in the same way. He will be brought in to talk +to you soon."</p> + +<p>"And you don't want either of us to see the other in—in imperfect +condition?"</p> + +<p>"It would be inadvisable. I can assure you now that when I have +completed your treatment you will almost exactly be as you were in the +beginning. When that time comes, you will be able to use your eyes."</p> + +<p>She was silent a moment.</p> + +<p>He said, "Your husband had other questions. I am waiting to hear you ask +them too."</p> + +<p>"I'm sorry, Doctor ... I wasn't listening. What did you say?"</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>He repeated his remarks, and she said, "I do have other questions. +But—no, I won't ask them yet. What did my husband want to know?"</p> + +<p>"About me and my race. How we happened to find you in time to save you. +<i>Why</i> we saved you. What we intend to do with you after you are +reconstructed."</p> + +<p>"Yes, I've wondered about those things too."</p> + +<p>"I can give you only a partial answer. I hope you do not find it too +unsatisfactory. My race, as you may have gathered, is somewhat more +advanced than yours. We have had a head start," he added politely.</p> + +<p>"If you can grow new arms and legs and eyes," she said, "you must be +thousands of years ahead of us."</p> + +<p>"We can do many other things, of which there is no need to talk. All I +need say now is that I am a physician attached to a scouting expedition. +We have had previous contact with human beings, and have taken pains to +avoid coming to their attention. We do not want to alarm or confuse +them."</p> + +<p>"But all the same, you rescued us."</p> + +<p>"It was an emergency. We are not human, but we have, you might say, +humanitarian feelings. We do not like to see creatures die, even +inferior creatures—not that you are, of course," he added delicately. +"Our ship happened to be only a few thousand miles away when it +happened. We saw, and acted with great speed. Once you are whole again, +we shall place you where you will be found by your own kind, and proceed +on our way. By that time, our expedition will have been completed."</p> + +<p>"When we are whole again—Doctor, will I be exactly the same as before?"</p> + +<p>"In some ways, perhaps even better. I can assure you that all your +organs will function perfectly."</p> + +<p>"I don't mean that. I mean—will I look the same?"</p> + +<p>She felt that there was astonishment in the pause. "Look the same? Does +that matter?"</p> + +<p>"Yes ... oh, yes, it matters! It matters more than anything else."</p> + +<p>He must have been regarding her as if she were crazy. Suddenly she was +glad that she had no eyes to see his bewilderment. And his contempt, +which, she was sure, must be there too.</p> + +<p>He said slowly, "I didn't realize. But, of course, we don't know how you +did look. How can we make you look the same?"</p> + +<p>"I don't know. But you must! You must!" Her voice rose, and she felt the +pain in her throat as the new muscles constricted.</p> + +<p>"You are getting hysterical," he said. "Stop thinking about this."</p> + +<p>"But I can't stop thinking about it. It's the only thing I <i>can</i> think +of! I don't want to look any different from the way I did before!"</p> + +<p>He said nothing, and suddenly she felt tired. A moment before she had +been so excited, so upset; and now—merely tired and sleepy. She wanted +to go to sleep and forget it all. <i>He must have given me a sedative</i>, +she thought. <i>An injection? I didn't feel the prick of the needle, but +maybe they don't use needles. Anyway, I'm glad he did. Because now I +won't have to think, I won't be able to think—</i></p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>She slept. When she awoke again, she heard a new voice. A voice she +couldn't place. It said, "Hello, Margaret. Where are you?"</p> + +<p>"Who ... Fred!"</p> + +<p>"Margaret?"</p> + +<p>"Y-yes."</p> + +<p>"Your voice is different."</p> + +<p>"So is yours. At first I couldn't think who was speaking to me!"</p> + +<p>"It's strange it took us so long to realize that our voices would be +different."</p> + +<p>She said shakily, "We're more accustomed to thinking of how we look."</p> + +<p>He was silent. His mind had been on the same thing.</p> + +<p>"Your new voice isn't bad, Fred," she said after a moment. "I like it. +It's a little deeper, a little more resonant. It will go well with your +personality. The Doctor has done a good job."</p> + +<p>"I'm trying to think whether I like yours. I don't know. I suppose I'm +the kind of guy who likes best what he's used to."</p> + +<p>"I know. That's why I didn't want him to change my looks."</p> + +<p>Again silence.</p> + +<p>She said, "Fred?"</p> + +<p>"I'm still here."</p> + +<p>"Have you talked to him about it?"</p> + +<p>"He's talked to me. He's told me about your being worried."</p> + +<p>"Don't you think it matters?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, I suppose it does. He told me he could do a good technical +job—leave us with regular features and unblemished skins."</p> + +<p>"That isn't what I want," she said fiercely. "I don't want the kind of +regular features that come out of physiology books. I want my own +features. I don't care so much about the voice, but I want my own face +back!"</p> + +<p>"That's a lot to ask for. Hasn't he done enough for us?"</p> + +<p>"No. Nothing counts unless I have that. Do—do you think that I'm being +silly?"</p> + +<p>"Well—"</p> + +<p>"I don't want to be beautiful, because I know you don't want me to be."</p> + +<p>He sounded amazed. "Whoever told you that?"</p> + +<p>"Do you think that after living with you for two years, I don't know? If +you had wanted a beautiful wife, you'd have married one. Instead, you +chose me. You wanted to be the good-looking one of the family. You're +vain, Fred. Don't try to deny it, because it would be no use. You're +vain. Not that I mind it, but you are."</p> + +<p>"Are you feeling all right, Margaret? You sound—overwrought."</p> + +<p>"I'm not. I'm being very logical. If I were either ugly or beautiful, +you'd hate me. If I were ugly, people would pity you, and you wouldn't +be able to stand that. And if I were beautiful, they might forget about +you. I'm just plain enough for them to wonder why you ever married +anyone so ordinary. I'm just the kind of person to supply background for +you."</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>After a moment he said slowly, "I never knew you had ideas like that +about me. They're silly ideas. I married you because I loved you."</p> + +<p>"Maybe you did. But <i>why</i> did you love me?"</p> + +<p>He said patiently, "Let's not go into that. The fact is, Margaret, that +you're talking nonsense. I don't give a damn whether you're ugly or +beautiful—well, no, that isn't strictly true. I do care—but looks +aren't the most important thing. They have very little to do with the +way I feel about you. I love you for the kind of person you are. +Everything else is secondary."</p> + +<p>"Please, Fred, don't lie to me. I want to be the same as before, because +I know that's the way you want me. Isn't there some way to let the +Doctor know what sort of appearance we made? You have—had—a good eye. +Maybe you could describe us—"</p> + +<p>"Be reasonable, Margaret. You ought to know that you can't tell anything +from a description." His voice was almost pleading. "Let's leave well +enough alone. I don't care if your features do come out of the pictures +in a physiology textbook—"</p> + +<p>"Fred!" she said excitedly. "That's it! Pictures! Remember that stereo +shot we had taken just before we left Mars? It must be somewhere on the +ship—"</p> + +<p>"But the ship was crushed, darling. It's a total wreck."</p> + +<p>"Not completely. If they could take <i>us</i> out alive, there must have been +some unhurt portions left. Maybe the stereo is still there!"</p> + +<p>"Margaret, you're asking the impossible. We don't know where the ship +is. This group the Doctor is with is on a scouting expedition. The wreck +of our ship may have been left far behind. They're not going to retrace +their tracks just to find it."</p> + +<p>"But it's the only way ... the only way! There's nothing else—"</p> + +<p>She broke down. If she had possessed eyes, she would have wept—but as +it was, she could weep only internally.</p> + +<p>They must have taken him away, for there was no answer to her tearless +sobbing. And after a time, she felt suddenly that there was nothing to +cry about. She felt, in fact, gay and cheerful—and the thought struck +her: <i>The Doctor's given me another drug. He doesn't want me to cry. +Very well, I won't. I'll think of things to make me happy, I'll bubble +over with good spirits—</i></p> + +<p>Instead, she fell into a dreamless sleep.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>When she awoke again, she thought of the conversation with Fred, and the +feeling of desperation returned. <i>I'll have to tell the Doctor all about +it</i>, she thought. <i>I'll have to see what he can do. I know it's asking +an awful lot, but without it, all the rest he has done for me won't +count. Better to be dead than be different from what I was.</i></p> + +<p>But it wasn't necessary to tell the Doctor. Fred had spoken to him +first.</p> + +<p><i>So Fred admits it's important too. He won't be able to deny any longer +that I judged him correctly.</i></p> + +<p>The Doctor said, "What you are asking is impossible."</p> + +<p>"Impossible? You won't even try?"</p> + +<p>"My dear patient, the wrecked ship is hundreds of millions of miles +behind us. The expedition has its appointed task. It cannot retrace its +steps. It cannot waste time searching the emptiness of space for a +stereo which may not even exist any longer."</p> + +<p>"Yes, you're right ... I'm sorry I asked, Doctor."</p> + +<p>He read either her mind or the hopelessness in her voice. He said, "Do +not make any rash plans. You cannot carry them out, you know."</p> + +<p>"I'll find a way. Sooner or later I'll find a way to do something to +myself."</p> + +<p>"You are being very foolish. I cannot cease to marvel at how foolish you +are. Are many human beings like you, psychologically?"</p> + +<p>"I don't know, Doctor. I don't care. I know only what's important to +me!"</p> + +<p>"But to make such a fuss about the merest trifle! The difference in +appearance between one human being and another of the same sex, so far +as we can see, is insignificant. You must learn to regard it in its true +light."</p> + +<p>"You think it's insignificant because you don't know anything about men +and women. To Fred and me, it's the difference between life and death."</p> + +<p>He said in exasperation, "You are a race of children. But sometimes even +a child must be humored. I shall see what I can do."</p> + +<p>But what could he do? she asked herself. The ship was a derelict in +space, and in it, floating between the stars, was the stereo he wouldn't +make an attempt to find. Would he try to get a description from Fred? +Even the best human artist couldn't produce much of a likeness from a +mere verbal description. What could someone like the Doctor do—someone +to whom all men looked alike, and all women?</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>As she lay there, thinking and wondering, she had only the vaguest idea +of the passage of time. But slowly, as what must have been day followed +day, she became aware of strange tingling sensations all over her body. +The pains she had felt at first had slowly diminished and then vanished +altogether. What she felt now was not pain at all. It was even mildly +pleasant, as if some one were gently massaging her body, stretching her +muscles, tugging at her—</p> + +<p>Suddenly she realized what it was: New limbs were growing. Her internal +organs must have developed properly, and now the Doctor had gone ahead +with the rest of his treatment.</p> + +<p>With the realization, tears began to roll down her cheeks. <i>Tears</i>, she +thought, <i>real tears—I can feel them. I'm getting arms and legs, and I +can shed tears. But I still have no eyes.</i></p> + +<p><i>But maybe they're growing in.... From time to time I seem to see +flashes of light. Maybe he's making them develop slowly, and he put the +tear ducts in order first. I'll have to tell him that my eyes must be +blue. Maybe I never was beautiful, but I always had pretty eyes. I don't +want any different color. They wouldn't go with my face.</i></p> + +<p>The next time the Doctor spoke to her, she told him.</p> + +<p>"You may have your way," he said good-naturedly, as if humoring a child.</p> + +<p>"And, Doctor, about finding the ship again—"</p> + +<p>"Out of the question, as I told you. However, it will not be necessary." +He paused, as if savoring what he had to tell her. "I checked with our +records department. As might have been expected, they searched your +shattered ship thoroughly, in the hope of finding information that might +contribute to our understanding of your race. They have the stereos, +about a dozen of them."</p> + +<p>"A <i>dozen</i> stereos? But I thought—"</p> + +<p>"In your excitement, you may have forgotten that there were more than +one. All of them seem to be of yourself and your husband. However, they +were obviously taken under a wide variety of conditions, and with a wide +variety of equipment, for there are certain minor differences between +them which even I, with my non-human vision, can detect. Perhaps you can +tell us which one you prefer us to use as a model."</p> + +<p>She said slowly, "I had better talk about that with my husband. Can you +have him brought in here, Doctor?"</p> + +<p>"Of course."</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>She lay there, thinking. A dozen stereos. And there was still only one +that she remembered. Only a single one. They had posed for others, +during the honeymoon and shortly after, but those had been left at home +on Mars before they started on their trip.</p> + +<p>Fred's new voice said, "How are you feeling, dear?"</p> + +<p>"Strange. I seem to have new limbs growing in."</p> + +<p>"So do I. Guess we'll be our old selves pretty soon."</p> + +<p>"Will we?"</p> + +<p>She could imagine his forehead wrinkling at the intonation of her voice. +"What do you mean, Margaret?"</p> + +<p>"Hasn't the Doctor told you? They have the stereos they found on our +ship. Now they can model our new faces after our old."</p> + +<p>"That's what you wanted, isn't it?"</p> + +<p>"But what do <i>you</i> want, Fred? I remember only a single one, and the +Doctor says they found a dozen. And he says that my face differs from +shot to shot."</p> + +<p>Fred was silent.</p> + +<p>"Are they as beautiful as all that, Fred?"</p> + +<p>"You don't understand, Margaret."</p> + +<p>"I understand only too well. I just want to know—were they taken before +we were married or after?"</p> + +<p>"Before, of course. I haven't gone out with another girl since our +wedding."</p> + +<p>"Thank you, dear." Her own new voice had venom in it, and she caught +herself. <i>I mustn't talk like that</i>, she thought. <i>I know Fred, I know +his weakness. I knew them before I married him. I have to accept them +and help him, not rant at him for them.</i></p> + +<p>He said, "They were just girls I knew casually. Good-looking, but +nothing much otherwise. Not in a class with you."</p> + +<p>"Don't apologize." This time her voice was calm, even amused. "You +couldn't help attracting them. Why didn't you tell me that you kept +their pictures?"</p> + +<p>"I thought you'd be jealous."</p> + +<p>"Perhaps I would have been, but I'd have got over it. Anyway, Fred, is +there any one of them you liked particularly?"</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>He became wary, she thought. His voice was expressionless as he said, +"No. Why?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, I thought that perhaps you'd want the Doctor to make me look like +her."</p> + +<p>"Don't be silly, Margaret! I don't want you to look like anybody but +yourself. I don't want to see their empty faces ever again!"</p> + +<p>"But I thought—"</p> + +<p>"Tell the Doctor to keep the other stereos. Let him put them in one of +his museums, with other dead things. They don't mean anything to me any +more. They haven't meant anything for a long time. The only reason I +didn't throw them away is because I forgot they were there and didn't +think of it."</p> + +<p>"All right, Fred. I'll tell him to use our picture as a model."</p> + +<p>"The AC studio shot. The close-up. Make sure he uses the right one."</p> + +<p>"I'll see that there's no mistake."</p> + +<p>"When I think I might have to look at one of <i>their</i> mugs for the rest +of my life, I get a cold sweat. Don't take any chances, Margaret. It's +your face I want to see, and no one else's."</p> + +<p>"Yes, dear."</p> + +<p><i>I'll be plain</i>, she thought, <i>but I'll wear well. A background always +wears well. Time can't hurt it much, because there's nothing there to +hurt.</i></p> + +<p><i>There's one thing I overlooked, though. How old will we look? The +Doctor is rather insensitive about human faces, and he might age us a +bit. He mustn't do that. It'll be all right if he wants to make us a +little younger, but not older. I'll have to warn him.</i></p> + +<p>She warned him, and again he seemed rather amused at her.</p> + +<p>"All right," he said, "you will appear slightly younger. Not too much +so, however, for from my reading I judge it best for a human face to +show not too great a discrepancy from the physiological age."</p> + +<p>She breathed a sigh of relief. It was settled now, all settled. +Everything would be as before—perhaps just a little better. She and +Fred could go back to their married life with the knowledge that they +would be as happy as ever. Nothing exuberant, of course, but as happy as +their own peculiar natures permitted. As happy as a plain and worried +wife and a handsome husband could ever be.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>Now that this had been decided, the days passed slowly. Her arms and +legs grew, and her eyes too. She could feel the beginnings of fingers +and toes, and on the sensitive optic nerve the flashes of light came +with greater and greater frequency. There were slight pains from time to +time, but they were pains she welcomed. They were the pains of growth, +of return to normalcy.</p> + +<p>And then came the day when the Doctor said, "You have recovered. In +another day, as you measure time, I shall remove your bandages."</p> + +<p>Tears welled up in her new eyes. "Doctor, I don't know how to thank +you."</p> + +<p>"No thanks are needed. I have only done my work."</p> + +<p>"What will you do with us now?"</p> + +<p>"There is an old freighter of your people which we have found abandoned +and adrift. We have repaired it and stocked it with food taken from your +own ship. You will awaken inside the freighter and be able to reach your +own people."</p> + +<p>"But won't I—can't I even get the chance to see you?"</p> + +<p>"That would be inadvisable. We have some perhaps peculiar ideas about +keeping our nature secret. That is why we shall take care that you carry +away nothing that we ourselves have made."</p> + +<p>"If I could only—well, even shake hands—do <i>something</i>—"</p> + +<p>"I have no hands."</p> + +<p>"No hands? But how could you—how can you—do such complicated things?"</p> + +<p>"I may not answer. I am sorry to leave you in a state of bewilderment, +but I have no choice. Now, please, no more questions about me. Do you +wish to talk to your husband for a time before you sleep again?"</p> + +<p>"Must I sleep? I feel so excited.... I want to get out of bed, tear off +my bandages, and see what I look like!"</p> + +<p>"I take it that you are not anxious to speak to your husband yet."</p> + +<p>"I want to see myself first!"</p> + +<p>"You will have to wait. During your last sleep, your new muscles will be +exercised, their tones and strength built up. You will receive a final +medical examination. It is most important."</p> + +<p>She started to protest once more, but he stopped her. "Try to be calm. I +can control your feelings with drugs, but it is better that you control +yourself. You will be able to give vent to your excitement later. And +now I must leave you. You will not hear from me after this."</p> + +<p>"Never again?"</p> + +<p>"Never again. Goodbye."</p> + +<p>For a moment she felt something cool and dry and rough laid very lightly +against her forehead. She tried to reach for him, but could only twitch +her new hands on her new wrists. She said, with a sob, "Goodbye, +Doctor."</p> + +<p>When she spoke again, there was no answer.</p> + +<p>She slept.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>This time, the awakening was different. Before she opened her eyes, she +heard the creaking of the freighter, and a slight hum that might have +come from the firing of the jets.</p> + +<p>As she tried to sit up, her eyes flashed open, and she saw that she was +lying in a bunk, strapped down to keep from being thrown out. +Unsteadily, she began to loosen the straps. When they were half off, she +stopped to stare at her hands. They were strong hands, well-shaped and +supple, with a healthily tanned skin. She flexed them and unflexed them +several times. Beautiful hands. The Doctor had done well by her.</p> + +<p>She finished undoing the straps, and got to her feet. There was none of +the dizziness she had expected, none of the weakness that would have +been normal after so long a stay in bed. She felt fine.</p> + +<div class="figright"> +<img src="images/illus2.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<p>She examined herself, staring at her legs, body—staring as she might +have done at a stranger's legs and body. She took a few steps forward +and then back. Yes, he had done well by her. It was a graceful body, and +it felt fine. Better than new.</p> + +<p>But her face!</p> + +<p>She whirled around to locate a mirror, and heard a voice: "Margaret!"</p> + +<p>Fred was getting out of another bunk. Their eyes sought each other's +faces, and for a long moment they stared in silence.</p> + +<p>Fred said in a choked voice, "There must be a mirror in the captain's +cabin. I've got to see myself."</p> + + +<p>At the mirror, their eyes shifted from one face to the other and back +again. And the silence this time was longer, more painful.</p> + +<p>A wonderful artist, the Doctor. For a creature—a person—who was +insensitive to the differences in human faces, he could follow a pattern +perfectly. Feature by feature, they were as before. Size and shape of +forehead, dip of hairline, width of cheeks and height of cheekbones, +shape and color of eyes, contour of nose and lips and chin—nothing in +the two faces had been changed. Nothing at all.</p> + +<p>Nothing, that is, but the overall effect. Nothing but the fact that +where before she had been plain, now she was beautiful.</p> + +<p><i>I should have realized the possibility</i>, she thought. <i>Sometimes you +see two sisters, or mother and daughter, with the same features, the +faces as alike as if they had been cast from the same mold—and yet one +is ugly and the other beautiful. Many artists can copy features, but few +can copy with perfect exactness either beauty or ugliness. The Doctor +slipped up a little. Despite my warning, he's done too well by me.</i></p> + +<p><i>And not well enough by Fred. Fred isn't handsome any more. Not ugly +really—his face is stronger and more interesting than it was. But now +I'm the good-looking one of the family. And he won't be able to take it. +This is the end for us.</i></p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>Fred was grinning at her. He said, "Wow, what a wife I've got! Just look +at you! Do you mind if I drool a bit?"</p> + +<p>She said uncertainly, "Fred, dear, I'm sorry."</p> + +<p>"For what? For his giving you more than you bargained for—and me less? +It's all in the family!"</p> + +<p>"You don't have to pretend, Fred. I know how you feel."</p> + +<p>"You don't know a thing. I <i>asked</i> him to make you beautiful. I wasn't +sure he could, but I asked him anyway. And he said he'd try."</p> + +<p>"You <i>asked</i> him—oh, no!"</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes," he said. "Are you sorry? I hoped he'd do better for me, +but—well, did you marry me for my looks?"</p> + +<p>"You know better, Fred!"</p> + +<p>"I didn't marry you for yours either. I told you that before, but you +wouldn't believe me. Maybe now you will."</p> + +<p>Her voice choked. "Perhaps—perhaps looks aren't so important after all. +Perhaps I've been all wrong about everything I used to think was +essential."</p> + +<p>"You have," agreed Fred. "But you've always had a sense of inferiority +about your appearance. From now on, you'll have no reason for that. And +maybe now we'll both be able to grow up a little."</p> + +<p>She nodded. It gave her a strange feeling to have him put around her a +pair of arms she had never before known, to have him kiss her with lips +she had never before touched. <i>But that doesn't matter</i>, she thought. +<i>The important thing is that whatever shape we take, we're</i> us. <i>The +important thing is that now we don't have to worry about ourselves—and +for that we have to thank</i> him.</p> + +<p>"Fred," she said suddenly, her face against his chest. "Do you think a +girl can be in love with two—two people—at the same time? And one of +them—one of them not a man? Not even human?"</p> + +<p>He nodded, but didn't say anything. And after a moment, she thought she +knew why. <i>A man can love that way too</i>, she thought—<i>and one of them +not a woman, either</i>.</p> + +<p><i>I wonder if he ... she ... it knew. I wonder if it knew.</i></p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Bedside Manner, by William Morrison + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BEDSIDE MANNER *** + +***** This file should be named 32864-h.htm or 32864-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/2/8/6/32864/ + +Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Bedside Manner + +Author: William Morrison + +Illustrator: VIDMER + +Release Date: June 17, 2010 [EBook #32864] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BEDSIDE MANNER *** + + + + +Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + BEDSIDE MANNER + + By WILLIAM MORRISON + + Illustrated by VIDMER + +[Transcriber Note: This etext was produced from Galaxy Science Fiction +May 1954. Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. +copyright on this publication was renewed.] + + +[Sidenote: Broken, helpless, she had to trust an alien doctor to give +her back her body and mind--a doctor who had never seen a human before!] + + +She awoke, and didn't even wonder where she was. + +First there were feelings--a feeling of existence, a sense of still +being alive when she should be dead, an awareness of pain that made her +body its playground. + +After that, there came a thought. It was a simple thought, and her mind +blurted it out before she could stop it: _Oh, God, now I won't even be +plain any more. I'll be ugly._ + +The thought sent a wave of panic coursing through her, but she was too +tired to experience any emotion for long, and she soon drowsed off. + +Later, the second time she awoke, she wondered where she was. + +There was no way of telling. Around her all was black and quiet. The +blackness was solid, the quiet absolute. She was aware of pain +again--not sharp pain this time, but dull, spread throughout her body. +Her legs ached; so did her arms. She tried to lift them, and found to +her surprise that they did not respond. She tried to flex her fingers, +and failed. + +She was paralyzed. She could not move a muscle of her body. + +The silence was so complete that it was frightening. Not a whisper of +sound reached her. She had been on a spaceship, but none of a ship's +noises came to her now. Not the creak of an expanding joint, nor the +occasional slap of metal on metal. Not the sound of Fred's voice, nor +even the slow rhythm of her own breathing. + +It took her a full minute to figure out why, and when she had done so +she did not believe it. But the thought persisted, and soon she knew +that it was true. + +The silence was complete because she was deaf. + +Another thought: The blackness was so deep because she was blind. + +And still another, this time a questioning one: Why, if she could feel +pain in her arms and legs, could she not move them? What strange form of +paralysis was this? + +She fought against the answer, but slowly, inescapably, it formed in her +mind. She was not paralyzed at all. She could not move her arms and legs +because she had none. The pains she felt were phantom pains, conveyed by +the nerve endings without an external stimulus. + +When this thought penetrated, she fainted. Her mind sought in +unconsciousness to get as close to death as it could. + + * * * * * + +When she awoke, it was against her will. She sought desperately to close +her mind against thought and feeling, just as her eyes and ears were +already closed. + +[Illustration] + +But thoughts crept in despite her. Why was she alive? Why hadn't she +died in the crash? + +Fred must certainly have been killed. The asteroid had come into view +suddenly; there had been no chance of avoiding it. It had been a miracle +that she herself had escaped, if escape it could be called--a mere +sightless, armless and legless torso, with no means of communication +with the outside world, she was more dead than alive. And she could not +believe that the miracle had been repeated with Fred. + +It was better that way. Fred wouldn't have to look at her and +shudder--and he wouldn't have to worry about himself, either. He had +always been a handsome man, and it would have killed him a second time +to find himself maimed and horrible. + +She must find a way to join him, to kill herself. It would be difficult, +no doubt, without arms or legs, without any way of knowing her +surroundings; but sooner or later she would think of a way. She had +heard somewhere of people strangling themselves by swallowing their own +tongues, and the thought cheered her. She could at least try that right +now. She could-- + +No, she couldn't. She hadn't realized it before, but she had no tongue. + +She didn't black out at this sudden awareness of a new horror, although +she desperately wanted to. She thought: _I can make an effort of will, I +can force myself to die. Die, you fool, you helpless lump of flesh. Die +and end your torture, die, die, die...._ + +But she didn't. And after a while, a new thought came to her: She and +Fred had been the only ones on their ship; there had been no other ship +near them. Who had kept her from dying? Who had taken her crushed body +and stopped the flow of blood and tended her wounds and kept her alive? +And for what purpose? + +The silence gave no answer. Nor did her own mind. + +After an age, she slept again. + +When she awoke, a voice said, "Do you feel better?" + + * * * * * + +I _can hear_! she shouted to herself. _It's a strange voice, a most +unusual accent. I couldn't possibly have imagined it. I'm not deaf! +Maybe I'm not blind either! Maybe I just had a nightmare_-- + +"I know that you cannot answer. But do not fear. You will soon be able +to speak again." + +Who was it? Not a man's voice, nor a woman's. It was curiously hoarse, +and yet clear enough. Uninflected, and yet pleasant. A doctor? Where +could a doctor have come from? + +"Your husband is also alive. Fortunately, we reached both of you at +about the time death had just begun." + +Fortunately? She felt a flash of rage. _You should have let us die. It +would be bad enough to be alive by myself, a helpless cripple dependent +upon others. But to know that Fred is alive too is worse. To know that +he has a picture of me like this, ugly and horrifying, is more than I +can stand. With any other man it would be bad enough, but with Fred it's +unendurable. Give me back the ability to talk, and the first thing I'll +ask of you is to kill me. I don't want to live._ + +"It may reassure you to know that there will be no difficulty about +recovering the use of the limbs proper to you, and the organs of +sensation. It will take time, but there is no doubt about the final +outcome." + +What nonsense, she asked herself, was this? Doctors had done wonders in +the creation and fitting of artificial arms and legs, but he seemed to +be promising her the use of _real_ limbs. And he had said, "organs of +sensation." That didn't sound as if he meant that she'd see and hear +electronically. It meant-- + +Nonsense. He was making a promise he couldn't keep. He was just saying +that to make her feel better, the way doctors did. He was saying it to +give her courage, keep her morale up, make her feel that it was worth +fighting. But it _wasn't_ worth fighting. She had no courage to keep up. +She wanted only to die. + +"Perhaps you have already realized that I am not what you would call +human. However, I suggest that you do not worry too much about that. I +shall have no difficulty in reconstructing you properly according to +your own standards." + + * * * * * + +Then the voice ceased, and she was left alone. It was just as well, she +thought. He had said too much. And she couldn't answer, nor ask +questions of her own ... and she had so many. + +He wasn't human? Then what was he? And how did he come to speak a human +language? And what did he mean to do with her after he had reconstructed +her? And what would she look like after she was reconstructed? + +There were races, she knew, that had no sense of beauty. Or if they had +one, it wasn't like a human sense of beauty. Would he consider her +properly reconstructed if he gave her the right number of arms and legs, +and artificial organs of sight that acted like eyes--and made her look +like some creature out of Hell? Would he be proud of his handiwork, as +human doctors had been known to be, when their patients ended up alive +and helpless, their bodies scarred, their organs functioning feebly and +imperfectly? Would he turn her into something that Fred would look at +with abhorrence and disgust? + +Fred had always been a little too sensitive to beauty in women. He had +been able to pick and choose at his will, and until he had met her he +had always chosen on the basis of looks alone. She had never understood +why he had married her. Perhaps the fact that she was the one woman he +knew who _wasn't_ beautiful had made her stand out. Perhaps, too, she +told herself, there was a touch of cruelty in his choice. He might have +wanted someone who wasn't too sure of herself, someone he could count on +under all circumstances. She remembered how people had used to stare at +them--the handsome man and the plain woman--and then whisper among +themselves, wondering openly how he had ever come to marry her. Fred had +liked that; she was sure he had liked that. + +He had obviously _wanted_ a plain wife. Now he would have an ugly one. +Would he want _that_? + +She slept on her questions, and waked and slept repeatedly. And then, +one day, she heard the voice again. And to her surprise, she found that +she could answer back--slowly, uncertainly, at times painfully. But she +could speak once more. + +"We have been working on you," said the voice. "You are coming along +nicely." + +"Am I--am I--" she found difficulty asking: "How do I look?" + +"Incomplete." + +"I must be horrible." + +A slight pause. "No. Not horrible at all. Not to me. Merely incomplete." + +"My husband wouldn't think so." + +"I do not know what your husband would think. Perhaps he is not used to +seeing incomplete persons. He might even be horrified at the sight of +himself." + +"I--I hadn't thought of that. But he--we'll both be all right?" + +"As a medical problem, you offer no insuperable difficulty. None at +all." + +"Why--why don't you give me eyes, if you can? Are you afraid--afraid +that I might see you and find you--terrifying?" + + * * * * * + +Again a pause. There was amusement in the reply. "I do not think so. No, +that is not the reason." + +"Then it's because--as you said about Fred--I might find myself +horrifying?" + +"That is part of the reason. Not the major part, however. You see, I am, +in a way, experimenting. Do not be alarmed, please--I shall not turn you +into a monster. I have too much knowledge of biology for that. But I am +not too familiar with human beings. What I know I have learned mostly +from your books, and I have found that in certain respects there are +inaccuracies contained in them--I must go slowly until I can check what +they say. I might mend certain organs, and then discover that they do +not have the proper size or shape, or that they produce slightly altered +hormones. I do not want to make such mistakes, and if I do make them, I +wish to correct them before they can do harm." + +"There's no danger--?" + +"None, I assure you. Internally and externally, you will be as before." + +"Internally and externally. Will I--will I be able to have children?" + +"Yes. We ourselves do not have your distinctions of sex, but we are +familiar with them in many other races. We know how important you +consider them. I am taking care to see that the proper glandular balance +is maintained in both yourself and your husband." + +"Thank you--Doctor. But I still don't understand--why don't you give me +eyes right away?" + +"I do not wish to give you eyes that see imperfectly, and then be forced +to take them away. Nor do I want you to watch imperfect arms and legs +developing. It would be an unnecessary ordeal. When I am sure that +everything is as it should be, then I shall start your eyes." + +"And my husband--" + +"He will be reconstructed in the same way. He will be brought in to talk +to you soon." + +"And you don't want either of us to see the other in--in imperfect +condition?" + +"It would be inadvisable. I can assure you now that when I have +completed your treatment you will almost exactly be as you were in the +beginning. When that time comes, you will be able to use your eyes." + +She was silent a moment. + +He said, "Your husband had other questions. I am waiting to hear you ask +them too." + +"I'm sorry, Doctor ... I wasn't listening. What did you say?" + + * * * * * + +He repeated his remarks, and she said, "I do have other questions. +But--no, I won't ask them yet. What did my husband want to know?" + +"About me and my race. How we happened to find you in time to save you. +_Why_ we saved you. What we intend to do with you after you are +reconstructed." + +"Yes, I've wondered about those things too." + +"I can give you only a partial answer. I hope you do not find it too +unsatisfactory. My race, as you may have gathered, is somewhat more +advanced than yours. We have had a head start," he added politely. + +"If you can grow new arms and legs and eyes," she said, "you must be +thousands of years ahead of us." + +"We can do many other things, of which there is no need to talk. All I +need say now is that I am a physician attached to a scouting expedition. +We have had previous contact with human beings, and have taken pains to +avoid coming to their attention. We do not want to alarm or confuse +them." + +"But all the same, you rescued us." + +"It was an emergency. We are not human, but we have, you might say, +humanitarian feelings. We do not like to see creatures die, even +inferior creatures--not that you are, of course," he added delicately. +"Our ship happened to be only a few thousand miles away when it +happened. We saw, and acted with great speed. Once you are whole again, +we shall place you where you will be found by your own kind, and proceed +on our way. By that time, our expedition will have been completed." + +"When we are whole again--Doctor, will I be exactly the same as before?" + +"In some ways, perhaps even better. I can assure you that all your +organs will function perfectly." + +"I don't mean that. I mean--will I look the same?" + +She felt that there was astonishment in the pause. "Look the same? Does +that matter?" + +"Yes ... oh, yes, it matters! It matters more than anything else." + +He must have been regarding her as if she were crazy. Suddenly she was +glad that she had no eyes to see his bewilderment. And his contempt, +which, she was sure, must be there too. + +He said slowly, "I didn't realize. But, of course, we don't know how you +did look. How can we make you look the same?" + +"I don't know. But you must! You must!" Her voice rose, and she felt the +pain in her throat as the new muscles constricted. + +"You are getting hysterical," he said. "Stop thinking about this." + +"But I can't stop thinking about it. It's the only thing I _can_ think +of! I don't want to look any different from the way I did before!" + +He said nothing, and suddenly she felt tired. A moment before she had +been so excited, so upset; and now--merely tired and sleepy. She wanted +to go to sleep and forget it all. _He must have given me a sedative_, +she thought. _An injection? I didn't feel the prick of the needle, but +maybe they don't use needles. Anyway, I'm glad he did. Because now I +won't have to think, I won't be able to think--_ + + * * * * * + +She slept. When she awoke again, she heard a new voice. A voice she +couldn't place. It said, "Hello, Margaret. Where are you?" + +"Who ... Fred!" + +"Margaret?" + +"Y-yes." + +"Your voice is different." + +"So is yours. At first I couldn't think who was speaking to me!" + +"It's strange it took us so long to realize that our voices would be +different." + +She said shakily, "We're more accustomed to thinking of how we look." + +He was silent. His mind had been on the same thing. + +"Your new voice isn't bad, Fred," she said after a moment. "I like it. +It's a little deeper, a little more resonant. It will go well with your +personality. The Doctor has done a good job." + +"I'm trying to think whether I like yours. I don't know. I suppose I'm +the kind of guy who likes best what he's used to." + +"I know. That's why I didn't want him to change my looks." + +Again silence. + +She said, "Fred?" + +"I'm still here." + +"Have you talked to him about it?" + +"He's talked to me. He's told me about your being worried." + +"Don't you think it matters?" + +"Yes, I suppose it does. He told me he could do a good technical +job--leave us with regular features and unblemished skins." + +"That isn't what I want," she said fiercely. "I don't want the kind of +regular features that come out of physiology books. I want my own +features. I don't care so much about the voice, but I want my own face +back!" + +"That's a lot to ask for. Hasn't he done enough for us?" + +"No. Nothing counts unless I have that. Do--do you think that I'm being +silly?" + +"Well--" + +"I don't want to be beautiful, because I know you don't want me to be." + +He sounded amazed. "Whoever told you that?" + +"Do you think that after living with you for two years, I don't know? If +you had wanted a beautiful wife, you'd have married one. Instead, you +chose me. You wanted to be the good-looking one of the family. You're +vain, Fred. Don't try to deny it, because it would be no use. You're +vain. Not that I mind it, but you are." + +"Are you feeling all right, Margaret? You sound--overwrought." + +"I'm not. I'm being very logical. If I were either ugly or beautiful, +you'd hate me. If I were ugly, people would pity you, and you wouldn't +be able to stand that. And if I were beautiful, they might forget about +you. I'm just plain enough for them to wonder why you ever married +anyone so ordinary. I'm just the kind of person to supply background for +you." + + * * * * * + +After a moment he said slowly, "I never knew you had ideas like that +about me. They're silly ideas. I married you because I loved you." + +"Maybe you did. But _why_ did you love me?" + +He said patiently, "Let's not go into that. The fact is, Margaret, that +you're talking nonsense. I don't give a damn whether you're ugly or +beautiful--well, no, that isn't strictly true. I do care--but looks +aren't the most important thing. They have very little to do with the +way I feel about you. I love you for the kind of person you are. +Everything else is secondary." + +"Please, Fred, don't lie to me. I want to be the same as before, because +I know that's the way you want me. Isn't there some way to let the +Doctor know what sort of appearance we made? You have--had--a good eye. +Maybe you could describe us--" + +"Be reasonable, Margaret. You ought to know that you can't tell anything +from a description." His voice was almost pleading. "Let's leave well +enough alone. I don't care if your features do come out of the pictures +in a physiology textbook--" + +"Fred!" she said excitedly. "That's it! Pictures! Remember that stereo +shot we had taken just before we left Mars? It must be somewhere on the +ship--" + +"But the ship was crushed, darling. It's a total wreck." + +"Not completely. If they could take _us_ out alive, there must have been +some unhurt portions left. Maybe the stereo is still there!" + +"Margaret, you're asking the impossible. We don't know where the ship +is. This group the Doctor is with is on a scouting expedition. The wreck +of our ship may have been left far behind. They're not going to retrace +their tracks just to find it." + +"But it's the only way ... the only way! There's nothing else--" + +She broke down. If she had possessed eyes, she would have wept--but as +it was, she could weep only internally. + +They must have taken him away, for there was no answer to her tearless +sobbing. And after a time, she felt suddenly that there was nothing to +cry about. She felt, in fact, gay and cheerful--and the thought struck +her: _The Doctor's given me another drug. He doesn't want me to cry. +Very well, I won't. I'll think of things to make me happy, I'll bubble +over with good spirits--_ + +Instead, she fell into a dreamless sleep. + + * * * * * + +When she awoke again, she thought of the conversation with Fred, and the +feeling of desperation returned. _I'll have to tell the Doctor all about +it_, she thought. _I'll have to see what he can do. I know it's asking +an awful lot, but without it, all the rest he has done for me won't +count. Better to be dead than be different from what I was._ + +But it wasn't necessary to tell the Doctor. Fred had spoken to him +first. + +_So Fred admits it's important too. He won't be able to deny any longer +that I judged him correctly._ + +The Doctor said, "What you are asking is impossible." + +"Impossible? You won't even try?" + +"My dear patient, the wrecked ship is hundreds of millions of miles +behind us. The expedition has its appointed task. It cannot retrace its +steps. It cannot waste time searching the emptiness of space for a +stereo which may not even exist any longer." + +"Yes, you're right ... I'm sorry I asked, Doctor." + +He read either her mind or the hopelessness in her voice. He said, "Do +not make any rash plans. You cannot carry them out, you know." + +"I'll find a way. Sooner or later I'll find a way to do something to +myself." + +"You are being very foolish. I cannot cease to marvel at how foolish you +are. Are many human beings like you, psychologically?" + +"I don't know, Doctor. I don't care. I know only what's important to +me!" + +"But to make such a fuss about the merest trifle! The difference in +appearance between one human being and another of the same sex, so far +as we can see, is insignificant. You must learn to regard it in its true +light." + +"You think it's insignificant because you don't know anything about men +and women. To Fred and me, it's the difference between life and death." + +He said in exasperation, "You are a race of children. But sometimes even +a child must be humored. I shall see what I can do." + +But what could he do? she asked herself. The ship was a derelict in +space, and in it, floating between the stars, was the stereo he wouldn't +make an attempt to find. Would he try to get a description from Fred? +Even the best human artist couldn't produce much of a likeness from a +mere verbal description. What could someone like the Doctor do--someone +to whom all men looked alike, and all women? + + * * * * * + +As she lay there, thinking and wondering, she had only the vaguest idea +of the passage of time. But slowly, as what must have been day followed +day, she became aware of strange tingling sensations all over her body. +The pains she had felt at first had slowly diminished and then vanished +altogether. What she felt now was not pain at all. It was even mildly +pleasant, as if some one were gently massaging her body, stretching her +muscles, tugging at her-- + +Suddenly she realized what it was: New limbs were growing. Her internal +organs must have developed properly, and now the Doctor had gone ahead +with the rest of his treatment. + +With the realization, tears began to roll down her cheeks. _Tears_, she +thought, _real tears--I can feel them. I'm getting arms and legs, and I +can shed tears. But I still have no eyes._ + +_But maybe they're growing in.... From time to time I seem to see +flashes of light. Maybe he's making them develop slowly, and he put the +tear ducts in order first. I'll have to tell him that my eyes must be +blue. Maybe I never was beautiful, but I always had pretty eyes. I don't +want any different color. They wouldn't go with my face._ + +The next time the Doctor spoke to her, she told him. + +"You may have your way," he said good-naturedly, as if humoring a child. + +"And, Doctor, about finding the ship again--" + +"Out of the question, as I told you. However, it will not be necessary." +He paused, as if savoring what he had to tell her. "I checked with our +records department. As might have been expected, they searched your +shattered ship thoroughly, in the hope of finding information that might +contribute to our understanding of your race. They have the stereos, +about a dozen of them." + +"A _dozen_ stereos? But I thought--" + +"In your excitement, you may have forgotten that there were more than +one. All of them seem to be of yourself and your husband. However, they +were obviously taken under a wide variety of conditions, and with a wide +variety of equipment, for there are certain minor differences between +them which even I, with my non-human vision, can detect. Perhaps you can +tell us which one you prefer us to use as a model." + +She said slowly, "I had better talk about that with my husband. Can you +have him brought in here, Doctor?" + +"Of course." + + * * * * * + +She lay there, thinking. A dozen stereos. And there was still only one +that she remembered. Only a single one. They had posed for others, +during the honeymoon and shortly after, but those had been left at home +on Mars before they started on their trip. + +Fred's new voice said, "How are you feeling, dear?" + +"Strange. I seem to have new limbs growing in." + +"So do I. Guess we'll be our old selves pretty soon." + +"Will we?" + +She could imagine his forehead wrinkling at the intonation of her voice. +"What do you mean, Margaret?" + +"Hasn't the Doctor told you? They have the stereos they found on our +ship. Now they can model our new faces after our old." + +"That's what you wanted, isn't it?" + +"But what do _you_ want, Fred? I remember only a single one, and the +Doctor says they found a dozen. And he says that my face differs from +shot to shot." + +Fred was silent. + +"Are they as beautiful as all that, Fred?" + +"You don't understand, Margaret." + +"I understand only too well. I just want to know--were they taken before +we were married or after?" + +"Before, of course. I haven't gone out with another girl since our +wedding." + +"Thank you, dear." Her own new voice had venom in it, and she caught +herself. _I mustn't talk like that_, she thought. _I know Fred, I know +his weakness. I knew them before I married him. I have to accept them +and help him, not rant at him for them._ + +He said, "They were just girls I knew casually. Good-looking, but +nothing much otherwise. Not in a class with you." + +"Don't apologize." This time her voice was calm, even amused. "You +couldn't help attracting them. Why didn't you tell me that you kept +their pictures?" + +"I thought you'd be jealous." + +"Perhaps I would have been, but I'd have got over it. Anyway, Fred, is +there any one of them you liked particularly?" + + * * * * * + +He became wary, she thought. His voice was expressionless as he said, +"No. Why?" + +"Oh, I thought that perhaps you'd want the Doctor to make me look like +her." + +"Don't be silly, Margaret! I don't want you to look like anybody but +yourself. I don't want to see their empty faces ever again!" + +"But I thought--" + +"Tell the Doctor to keep the other stereos. Let him put them in one of +his museums, with other dead things. They don't mean anything to me any +more. They haven't meant anything for a long time. The only reason I +didn't throw them away is because I forgot they were there and didn't +think of it." + +"All right, Fred. I'll tell him to use our picture as a model." + +"The AC studio shot. The close-up. Make sure he uses the right one." + +"I'll see that there's no mistake." + +"When I think I might have to look at one of _their_ mugs for the rest +of my life, I get a cold sweat. Don't take any chances, Margaret. It's +your face I want to see, and no one else's." + +"Yes, dear." + +_I'll be plain_, she thought, _but I'll wear well. A background always +wears well. Time can't hurt it much, because there's nothing there to +hurt._ + +_There's one thing I overlooked, though. How old will we look? The +Doctor is rather insensitive about human faces, and he might age us a +bit. He mustn't do that. It'll be all right if he wants to make us a +little younger, but not older. I'll have to warn him._ + +She warned him, and again he seemed rather amused at her. + +"All right," he said, "you will appear slightly younger. Not too much +so, however, for from my reading I judge it best for a human face to +show not too great a discrepancy from the physiological age." + +She breathed a sigh of relief. It was settled now, all settled. +Everything would be as before--perhaps just a little better. She and +Fred could go back to their married life with the knowledge that they +would be as happy as ever. Nothing exuberant, of course, but as happy as +their own peculiar natures permitted. As happy as a plain and worried +wife and a handsome husband could ever be. + + * * * * * + +Now that this had been decided, the days passed slowly. Her arms and +legs grew, and her eyes too. She could feel the beginnings of fingers +and toes, and on the sensitive optic nerve the flashes of light came +with greater and greater frequency. There were slight pains from time to +time, but they were pains she welcomed. They were the pains of growth, +of return to normalcy. + +And then came the day when the Doctor said, "You have recovered. In +another day, as you measure time, I shall remove your bandages." + +Tears welled up in her new eyes. "Doctor, I don't know how to thank +you." + +"No thanks are needed. I have only done my work." + +"What will you do with us now?" + +"There is an old freighter of your people which we have found abandoned +and adrift. We have repaired it and stocked it with food taken from your +own ship. You will awaken inside the freighter and be able to reach your +own people." + +"But won't I--can't I even get the chance to see you?" + +"That would be inadvisable. We have some perhaps peculiar ideas about +keeping our nature secret. That is why we shall take care that you carry +away nothing that we ourselves have made." + +"If I could only--well, even shake hands--do _something_--" + +"I have no hands." + +"No hands? But how could you--how can you--do such complicated things?" + +"I may not answer. I am sorry to leave you in a state of bewilderment, +but I have no choice. Now, please, no more questions about me. Do you +wish to talk to your husband for a time before you sleep again?" + +"Must I sleep? I feel so excited.... I want to get out of bed, tear off +my bandages, and see what I look like!" + +"I take it that you are not anxious to speak to your husband yet." + +"I want to see myself first!" + +"You will have to wait. During your last sleep, your new muscles will be +exercised, their tones and strength built up. You will receive a final +medical examination. It is most important." + +She started to protest once more, but he stopped her. "Try to be calm. I +can control your feelings with drugs, but it is better that you control +yourself. You will be able to give vent to your excitement later. And +now I must leave you. You will not hear from me after this." + +"Never again?" + +"Never again. Goodbye." + +For a moment she felt something cool and dry and rough laid very lightly +against her forehead. She tried to reach for him, but could only twitch +her new hands on her new wrists. She said, with a sob, "Goodbye, +Doctor." + +When she spoke again, there was no answer. + +She slept. + + * * * * * + +This time, the awakening was different. Before she opened her eyes, she +heard the creaking of the freighter, and a slight hum that might have +come from the firing of the jets. + +As she tried to sit up, her eyes flashed open, and she saw that she was +lying in a bunk, strapped down to keep from being thrown out. +Unsteadily, she began to loosen the straps. When they were half off, she +stopped to stare at her hands. They were strong hands, well-shaped and +supple, with a healthily tanned skin. She flexed them and unflexed them +several times. Beautiful hands. The Doctor had done well by her. + +She finished undoing the straps, and got to her feet. There was none of +the dizziness she had expected, none of the weakness that would have +been normal after so long a stay in bed. She felt fine. + +She examined herself, staring at her legs, body--staring as she might +have done at a stranger's legs and body. She took a few steps forward +and then back. Yes, he had done well by her. It was a graceful body, and +it felt fine. Better than new. + +But her face! + +She whirled around to locate a mirror, and heard a voice: "Margaret!" + +Fred was getting out of another bunk. Their eyes sought each other's +faces, and for a long moment they stared in silence. + +Fred said in a choked voice, "There must be a mirror in the captain's +cabin. I've got to see myself." + +[Illustration] + +At the mirror, their eyes shifted from one face to the other and back +again. And the silence this time was longer, more painful. + +A wonderful artist, the Doctor. For a creature--a person--who was +insensitive to the differences in human faces, he could follow a pattern +perfectly. Feature by feature, they were as before. Size and shape of +forehead, dip of hairline, width of cheeks and height of cheekbones, +shape and color of eyes, contour of nose and lips and chin--nothing in +the two faces had been changed. Nothing at all. + +Nothing, that is, but the overall effect. Nothing but the fact that +where before she had been plain, now she was beautiful. + +_I should have realized the possibility_, she thought. _Sometimes you +see two sisters, or mother and daughter, with the same features, the +faces as alike as if they had been cast from the same mold--and yet one +is ugly and the other beautiful. Many artists can copy features, but few +can copy with perfect exactness either beauty or ugliness. The Doctor +slipped up a little. Despite my warning, he's done too well by me._ + +_And not well enough by Fred. Fred isn't handsome any more. Not ugly +really--his face is stronger and more interesting than it was. But now +I'm the good-looking one of the family. And he won't be able to take it. +This is the end for us._ + + * * * * * + +Fred was grinning at her. He said, "Wow, what a wife I've got! Just look +at you! Do you mind if I drool a bit?" + +She said uncertainly, "Fred, dear, I'm sorry." + +"For what? For his giving you more than you bargained for--and me less? +It's all in the family!" + +"You don't have to pretend, Fred. I know how you feel." + +"You don't know a thing. I _asked_ him to make you beautiful. I wasn't +sure he could, but I asked him anyway. And he said he'd try." + +"You _asked_ him--oh, no!" + +"Oh, yes," he said. "Are you sorry? I hoped he'd do better for me, +but--well, did you marry me for my looks?" + +"You know better, Fred!" + +"I didn't marry you for yours either. I told you that before, but you +wouldn't believe me. Maybe now you will." + +Her voice choked. "Perhaps--perhaps looks aren't so important after all. +Perhaps I've been all wrong about everything I used to think was +essential." + +"You have," agreed Fred. "But you've always had a sense of inferiority +about your appearance. From now on, you'll have no reason for that. And +maybe now we'll both be able to grow up a little." + +She nodded. It gave her a strange feeling to have him put around her a +pair of arms she had never before known, to have him kiss her with lips +she had never before touched. _But that doesn't matter_, she thought. +_The important thing is that whatever shape we take, we're_ us. _The +important thing is that now we don't have to worry about ourselves--and +for that we have to thank_ him. + +"Fred," she said suddenly, her face against his chest. "Do you think a +girl can be in love with two--two people--at the same time? And one of +them--one of them not a man? Not even human?" + +He nodded, but didn't say anything. And after a moment, she thought she +knew why. _A man can love that way too_, she thought--_and one of them +not a woman, either_. + +_I wonder if he ... she ... it knew. I wonder if it knew._ + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Bedside Manner, by William Morrison + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BEDSIDE MANNER *** + +***** This file should be named 32864.txt or 32864.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/2/8/6/32864/ + +Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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