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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/3296-0.txt b/3296-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c668360 --- /dev/null +++ b/3296-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9714 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Confessions of Saint Augustine, by Saint Augustine + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and +most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms +of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you +will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before +using this eBook. + +Title: The Confessions of Saint Augustine + +Author: Saint Augustine + +Translator: E. B. Pusey (Edward Bouverie) + +Release Date: March 19, 2001 [eBook #3296] +[Most recently updated: May 5, 2023] + +Language: English + +Produced by: Robert S. Munday + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CONFESSIONS OF SAINT AUGUSTINE *** + + + + +THE CONFESSIONS OF SAINT AUGUSTINE + +By Saint Augustine + +Bishop of Hippo + +Translated by E. B. Pusey (Edward Bouverie) + + +AD 401 + + + + +BOOK I + + +Great art Thou, O Lord, and greatly to be praised; great is Thy power, +and Thy wisdom infinite. And Thee would man praise; man, but a particle +of Thy creation; man, that bears about him his mortality, the witness of +his sin, the witness that Thou resistest the proud: yet would man praise +Thee; he, but a particle of Thy creation. Thou awakest us to delight in +Thy praise; for Thou madest us for Thyself, and our heart is restless, +until it repose in Thee. Grant me, Lord, to know and understand which is +first, to call on Thee or to praise Thee? and, again, to know Thee or +to call on Thee? for who can call on Thee, not knowing Thee? for he that +knoweth Thee not, may call on Thee as other than Thou art. Or, is it +rather, that we call on Thee that we may know Thee? but how shall they +call on Him in whom they have not believed? or how shall they believe +without a preacher? and they that seek the Lord shall praise Him: for +they that seek shall find Him, and they that find shall praise Him. +I will seek Thee, Lord, by calling on Thee; and will call on Thee, +believing in Thee; for to us hast Thou been preached. My faith, Lord, +shall call on Thee, which Thou hast given me, wherewith Thou hast +inspired me, through the Incarnation of Thy Son, through the ministry of +the Preacher. + +And how shall I call upon my God, my God and Lord, since, when I call +for Him, I shall be calling Him to myself? and what room is there within +me, whither my God can come into me? whither can God come into me, God +who made heaven and earth? is there, indeed, O Lord my God, aught in me +that can contain Thee? do then heaven and earth, which Thou hast made, +and wherein Thou hast made me, contain Thee? or, because nothing which +exists could exist without Thee, doth therefore whatever exists contain +Thee? Since, then, I too exist, why do I seek that Thou shouldest enter +into me, who were not, wert Thou not in me? Why? because I am not gone +down in hell, and yet Thou art there also. For if I go down into hell, +Thou art there. I could not be then, O my God, could not be at all, +wert Thou not in me; or, rather, unless I were in Thee, of whom are all +things, by whom are all things, in whom are all things? Even so, Lord, +even so. Whither do I call Thee, since I am in Thee? or whence canst +Thou enter into me? for whither can I go beyond heaven and earth, that +thence my God should come into me, who hath said, I fill the heaven and +the earth. + +Do the heaven and earth then contain Thee, since Thou fillest them? or +dost Thou fill them and yet overflow, since they do not contain Thee? +And whither, when the heaven and the earth are filled, pourest Thou +forth the remainder of Thyself? or hast Thou no need that aught contain +Thee, who containest all things, since what Thou fillest Thou fillest +by containing it? for the vessels which Thou fillest uphold Thee not, +since, though they were broken, Thou wert not poured out. And when Thou +art poured out on us, Thou art not cast down, but Thou upliftest us; +Thou art not dissipated, but Thou gatherest us. But Thou who fillest +all things, fillest Thou them with Thy whole self? or, since all things +cannot contain Thee wholly, do they contain part of Thee? and all at +once the same part? or each its own part, the greater more, the smaller +less? And is, then one part of Thee greater, another less? or, art Thou +wholly every where, while nothing contains Thee wholly? + +What art Thou then, my God? what, but the Lord God? For who is Lord +but the Lord? or who is God save our God? Most highest, most good, most +potent, most omnipotent; most merciful, yet most just; most hidden, +yet most present; most beautiful, yet most strong, stable, yet +incomprehensible; unchangeable, yet all-changing; never new, never old; +all-renewing, and bringing age upon the proud, and they know it not; +ever working, ever at rest; still gathering, yet nothing lacking; +supporting, filling, and overspreading; creating, nourishing, and +maturing; seeking, yet having all things. Thou lovest, without passion; +art jealous, without anxiety; repentest, yet grievest not; art angry, +yet serene; changest Thy works, Thy purpose unchanged; receivest again +what Thou findest, yet didst never lose; never in need, yet rejoicing +in gains; never covetous, yet exacting usury. Thou receivest over and +above, that Thou mayest owe; and who hath aught that is not Thine? Thou +payest debts, owing nothing; remittest debts, losing nothing. And what +had I now said, my God, my life, my holy joy? or what saith any man when +he speaks of Thee? Yet woe to him that speaketh not, since mute are even +the most eloquent. + +Oh! that I might repose on Thee! Oh! that Thou wouldest enter into my +heart, and inebriate it, that I may forget my ills, and embrace Thee, +my sole good! What art Thou to me? In Thy pity, teach me to utter it. +Or what am I to Thee that Thou demandest my love, and, if I give it not, +art wroth with me, and threatenest me with grievous woes? Is it then a +slight woe to love Thee not? Oh! for Thy mercies' sake, tell me, O Lord +my God, what Thou art unto me. Say unto my soul, I am thy salvation. So +speak, that I may hear. Behold, Lord, my heart is before Thee; open Thou +the ears thereof, and say unto my soul, I am thy salvation. After this +voice let me haste, and take hold on Thee. Hide not Thy face from me. +Let me die--lest I die--only let me see Thy face. + +Narrow is the mansion of my soul; enlarge Thou it, that Thou mayest +enter in. It is ruinous; repair Thou it. It has that within which must +offend Thine eyes; I confess and know it. But who shall cleanse it? or +to whom should I cry, save Thee? Lord, cleanse me from my secret faults, +and spare Thy servant from the power of the enemy. I believe, and +therefore do I speak. Lord, Thou knowest. Have I not confessed against +myself my transgressions unto Thee, and Thou, my God, hast forgiven the +iniquity of my heart? I contend not in judgment with Thee, who art the +truth; I fear to deceive myself; lest mine iniquity lie unto itself. +Therefore I contend not in judgment with Thee; for if Thou, Lord, +shouldest mark iniquities, O Lord, who shall abide it? + +Yet suffer me to speak unto Thy mercy, me, dust and ashes. Yet suffer me +to speak, since I speak to Thy mercy, and not to scornful man. Thou too, +perhaps, despisest me, yet wilt Thou return and have compassion upon me. +For what would I say, O Lord my God, but that I know not whence I +came into this dying life (shall I call it?) or living death. Then +immediately did the comforts of Thy compassion take me up, as I heard +(for I remember it not) from the parents of my flesh, out of whose +substance Thou didst sometime fashion me. Thus there received me the +comforts of woman's milk. For neither my mother nor my nurses stored +their own breasts for me; but Thou didst bestow the food of my infancy +through them, according to Thine ordinance, whereby Thou distributest +Thy riches through the hidden springs of all things. Thou also gavest me +to desire no more than Thou gavest; and to my nurses willingly to give +me what Thou gavest them. For they, with a heaven-taught affection, +willingly gave me what they abounded with from Thee. For this my good +from them, was good for them. Nor, indeed, from them was it, but through +them; for from Thee, O God, are all good things, and from my God is all +my health. This I since learned, Thou, through these Thy gifts, within +me and without, proclaiming Thyself unto me. For then I knew but to +suck; to repose in what pleased, and cry at what offended my flesh; +nothing more. + +Afterwards I began to smile; first in sleep, then waking: for so it +was told me of myself, and I believed it; for we see the like in other +infants, though of myself I remember it not. Thus, little by little, I +became conscious where I was; and to have a wish to express my wishes +to those who could content them, and I could not; for the wishes were +within me, and they without; nor could they by any sense of theirs enter +within my spirit. So I flung about at random limbs and voice, making +the few signs I could, and such as I could, like, though in truth very +little like, what I wished. And when I was not presently obeyed (my +wishes being hurtful or unintelligible), then I was indignant with my +elders for not submitting to me, with those owing me no service, for +not serving me; and avenged myself on them by tears. Such have I learnt +infants to be from observing them; and that I was myself such, they, all +unconscious, have shown me better than my nurses who knew it. + +And, lo! my infancy died long since, and I live. But Thou, Lord, who for +ever livest, and in whom nothing dies: for before the foundation of the +worlds, and before all that can be called "before," Thou art, and art +God and Lord of all which Thou hast created: in Thee abide, fixed +for ever, the first causes of all things unabiding; and of all things +changeable, the springs abide in Thee unchangeable: and in Thee live the +eternal reasons of all things unreasoning and temporal. Say, Lord, to +me, Thy suppliant; say, all-pitying, to me, Thy pitiable one; say, did +my infancy succeed another age of mine that died before it? was it +that which I spent within my mother's womb? for of that I have heard +somewhat, and have myself seen women with child? and what before that +life again, O God my joy, was I any where or any body? For this have I +none to tell me, neither father nor mother, nor experience of others, +nor mine own memory. Dost Thou mock me for asking this, and bid me +praise Thee and acknowledge Thee, for that I do know? + +I acknowledge Thee, Lord of heaven and earth, and praise Thee for my +first rudiments of being, and my infancy, whereof I remember nothing; +for Thou hast appointed that man should from others guess much as to +himself; and believe much on the strength of weak females. Even then I +had being and life, and (at my infancy's close) I could seek for signs +whereby to make known to others my sensations. Whence could such a being +be, save from Thee, Lord? Shall any be his own artificer? or can there +elsewhere be derived any vein, which may stream essence and life into +us, save from thee, O Lord, in whom essence and life are one? for Thou +Thyself art supremely Essence and Life. For Thou art most high, and art +not changed, neither in Thee doth to-day come to a close; yet in Thee +doth it come to a close; because all such things also are in Thee. For +they had no way to pass away, unless Thou upheldest them. And since +Thy years fail not, Thy years are one to-day. How many of ours and +our fathers' years have flowed away through Thy "to-day," and from it +received the measure and the mould of such being as they had; and still +others shall flow away, and so receive the mould of their degree of +being. But Thou art still the same, and all things of tomorrow, and all +beyond, and all of yesterday, and all behind it, Thou hast done to-day. +What is it to me, though any comprehend not this? Let him also rejoice +and say, What thing is this? Let him rejoice even thus! and be content +rather by not discovering to discover Thee, than by discovering not to +discover Thee. + +Hear, O God. Alas, for man's sin! So saith man, and Thou pitiest him; +for Thou madest him, but sin in him Thou madest not. Who remindeth me of +the sins of my infancy? for in Thy sight none is pure from sin, not even +the infant whose life is but a day upon the earth. Who remindeth me? +doth not each little infant, in whom I see what of myself I remember +not? What then was my sin? was it that I hung upon the breast and cried? +for should I now so do for food suitable to my age, justly should I be +laughed at and reproved. What I then did was worthy reproof; but since +I could not understand reproof, custom and reason forbade me to be +reproved. For those habits, when grown, we root out and cast away. Now +no man, though he prunes, wittingly casts away what is good. Or was +it then good, even for a while, to cry for what, if given, would hurt? +bitterly to resent, that persons free, and its own elders, yea, the very +authors of its birth, served it not? that many besides, wiser than it, +obeyed not the nod of its good pleasure? to do its best to strike and +hurt, because commands were not obeyed, which had been obeyed to its +hurt? The weakness then of infant limbs, not its will, is its innocence. +Myself have seen and known even a baby envious; it could not speak, yet +it turned pale and looked bitterly on its foster-brother. Who knows not +this? Mothers and nurses tell you that they allay these things by I know +not what remedies. Is that too innocence, when the fountain of milk +is flowing in rich abundance, not to endure one to share it, though +in extremest need, and whose very life as yet depends thereon? We bear +gently with all this, not as being no or slight evils, but because they +will disappear as years increase; for, though tolerated now, the very +same tempers are utterly intolerable when found in riper years. + +Thou, then, O Lord my God, who gavest life to this my infancy, +furnishing thus with senses (as we see) the frame Thou gavest, +compacting its limbs, ornamenting its proportions, and, for its general +good and safety, implanting in it all vital functions, Thou commandest +me to praise Thee in these things, to confess unto Thee, and sing unto +Thy name, Thou most Highest. For Thou art God, Almighty and Good, even +hadst Thou done nought but only this, which none could do but Thou: +whose Unity is the mould of all things; who out of Thy own fairness +makest all things fair; and orderest all things by Thy law. This age +then, Lord, whereof I have no remembrance, which I take on others' word, +and guess from other infants that I have passed, true though the guess +be, I am yet loth to count in this life of mine which I live in this +world. For no less than that which I spent in my mother's womb, is it +hid from me in the shadows of forgetfulness. But if I was shapen in +iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me, where, I beseech Thee, O +my God, where, Lord, or when, was I Thy servant guiltless? But, lo! that +period I pass by; and what have I now to do with that, of which I can +recall no vestige? + +Passing hence from infancy, I came to boyhood, or rather it came to me, +displacing infancy. Nor did that depart,--(for whither went it?)--and +yet it was no more. For I was no longer a speechless infant, but a +speaking boy. This I remember; and have since observed how I learned to +speak. It was not that my elders taught me words (as, soon after, other +learning) in any set method; but I, longing by cries and broken accents +and various motions of my limbs to express my thoughts, that so I might +have my will, and yet unable to express all I willed, or to whom I +willed, did myself, by the understanding which Thou, my God, gavest me, +practise the sounds in my memory. When they named any thing, and as they +spoke turned towards it, I saw and remembered that they called what they +would point out by the name they uttered. And that they meant this +thing and no other was plain from the motion of their body, the natural +language, as it were, of all nations, expressed by the countenance, +glances of the eye, gestures of the limbs, and tones of the voice, +indicating the affections of the mind, as it pursues, possesses, +rejects, or shuns. And thus by constantly hearing words, as they +occurred in various sentences, I collected gradually for what they +stood; and having broken in my mouth to these signs, I thereby gave +utterance to my will. Thus I exchanged with those about me these current +signs of our wills, and so launched deeper into the stormy intercourse +of human life, yet depending on parental authority and the beck of +elders. + +O God my God, what miseries and mockeries did I now experience, when +obedience to my teachers was proposed to me, as proper in a boy, in +order that in this world I might prosper, and excel in tongue-science, +which should serve to the "praise of men," and to deceitful riches. Next +I was put to school to get learning, in which I (poor wretch) knew not +what use there was; and yet, if idle in learning, I was beaten. For this +was judged right by our forefathers; and many, passing the same course +before us, framed for us weary paths, through which we were fain to +pass; multiplying toil and grief upon the sons of Adam. But, Lord, we +found that men called upon Thee, and we learnt from them to think of +Thee (according to our powers) as of some great One, who, though hidden +from our senses, couldest hear and help us. For so I began, as a boy, to +pray to Thee, my aid and refuge; and broke the fetters of my tongue to +call on Thee, praying Thee, though small, yet with no small earnestness, +that I might not be beaten at school. And when Thou heardest me not (not +thereby giving me over to folly), my elders, yea my very parents, who +yet wished me no ill, mocked my stripes, my then great and grievous ill. + +Is there, Lord, any of soul so great, and cleaving to Thee with so +intense affection (for a sort of stupidity will in a way do it); but +is there any one who, from cleaving devoutly to Thee, is endued with so +great a spirit, that he can think as lightly of the racks and hooks and +other torments (against which, throughout all lands, men call on Thee +with extreme dread), mocking at those by whom they are feared most +bitterly, as our parents mocked the torments which we suffered in +boyhood from our masters? For we feared not our torments less; nor +prayed we less to Thee to escape them. And yet we sinned, in writing or +reading or studying less than was exacted of us. For we wanted not, O +Lord, memory or capacity, whereof Thy will gave enough for our age; but +our sole delight was play; and for this we were punished by those who +yet themselves were doing the like. But elder folks' idleness is called +"business"; that of boys, being really the same, is punished by those +elders; and none commiserates either boys or men. For will any of sound +discretion approve of my being beaten as a boy, because, by playing a +ball, I made less progress in studies which I was to learn, only that, +as a man, I might play more unbeseemingly? and what else did he who beat +me? who, if worsted in some trifling discussion with his fellow-tutor, +was more embittered and jealous than I when beaten at ball by a +play-fellow? + +And yet, I sinned herein, O Lord God, the Creator and Disposer of all +things in nature, of sin the Disposer only, O Lord my God, I sinned in +transgressing the commands of my parents and those of my masters. For +what they, with whatever motive, would have me learn, I might afterwards +have put to good use. For I disobeyed, not from a better choice, but +from love of play, loving the pride of victory in my contests, and to +have my ears tickled with lying fables, that they might itch the more; +the same curiosity flashing from my eyes more and more, for the shows +and games of my elders. Yet those who give these shows are in such +esteem, that almost all wish the same for their children, and yet are +very willing that they should be beaten, if those very games detain them +from the studies, whereby they would have them attain to be the givers +of them. Look with pity, Lord, on these things, and deliver us who call +upon Thee now; deliver those too who call not on Thee yet, that they may +call on Thee, and Thou mayest deliver them. + + As a boy, then, I had already heard of an eternal life, promised +us through the humility of the Lord our God stooping to our pride; and +even from the womb of my mother, who greatly hoped in Thee, I was sealed +with the mark of His cross and salted with His salt. Thou sawest, Lord, +how while yet a boy, being seized on a time with sudden oppression of +the stomach, and like near to death--Thou sawest, my God (for Thou wert +my keeper), with what eagerness and what faith I sought, from the pious +care of my mother and Thy Church, the mother of us all, the baptism of +Thy Christ, my God and Lord. Whereupon the mother of my flesh, being +much troubled (since, with a heart pure in Thy faith, she even more +lovingly travailed in birth of my salvation), would in eager haste +have provided for my consecration and cleansing by the health-giving +sacraments, confessing Thee, Lord Jesus, for the remission of sins, +unless I had suddenly recovered. And so, as if I must needs be +again polluted should I live, my cleansing was deferred, because the +defilements of sin would, after that washing, bring greater and more +perilous guilt. I then already believed: and my mother, and the whole +household, except my father: yet did not he prevail over the power of my +mother's piety in me, that as he did not yet believe, so neither +should I. For it was her earnest care that Thou my God, rather than he, +shouldest be my father; and in this Thou didst aid her to prevail over +her husband, whom she, the better, obeyed, therein also obeying Thee, +who hast so commanded. + + I beseech Thee, my God, I would fain know, if so Thou willest, for +what purpose my baptism was then deferred? was it for my good that the +rein was laid loose, as it were, upon me, for me to sin? or was it not +laid loose? If not, why does it still echo in our ears on all sides, +"Let him alone, let him do as he will, for he is not yet baptised?" but +as to bodily health, no one says, "Let him be worse wounded, for he is +not yet healed." How much better then, had I been at once healed; and +then, by my friends' and my own, my soul's recovered health had been +kept safe in Thy keeping who gavest it. Better truly. But how many and +great waves of temptation seemed to hang over me after my boyhood! These +my mother foresaw; and preferred to expose to them the clay whence I +might afterwards be moulded, than the very cast, when made. + + In boyhood itself, however (so much less dreaded for me than youth), +I loved not study, and hated to be forced to it. Yet I was forced; and +this was well done towards me, but I did not well; for, unless forced, I +had not learnt. But no one doth well against his will, even though what +he doth, be well. Yet neither did they well who forced me, but what was +well came to me from Thee, my God. For they were regardless how I should +employ what they forced me to learn, except to satiate the insatiate +desires of a wealthy beggary, and a shameful glory. But Thou, by whom +the very hairs of our head are numbered, didst use for my good the error +of all who urged me to learn; and my own, who would not learn, Thou +didst use for my punishment--a fit penalty for one, so small a boy and +so great a sinner. So by those who did not well, Thou didst well for me; +and by my own sin Thou didst justly punish me. For Thou hast commanded, +and so it is, that every inordinate affection should be its own +punishment. + +But why did I so much hate the Greek, which I studied as a boy? I do not +yet fully know. For the Latin I loved; not what my first masters, but +what the so-called grammarians taught me. For those first lessons, +reading, writing and arithmetic, I thought as great a burden and penalty +as any Greek. And yet whence was this too, but from the sin and vanity +of this life, because I was flesh, and a breath that passeth away and +cometh not again? For those first lessons were better certainly, because +more certain; by them I obtained, and still retain, the power of reading +what I find written, and myself writing what I will; whereas in the +others, I was forced to learn the wanderings of one Aeneas, forgetful of +my own, and to weep for dead Dido, because she killed herself for love; +the while, with dry eyes, I endured my miserable self dying among these +things, far from Thee, O God my life. + +For what more miserable than a miserable being who commiserates not +himself; weeping the death of Dido for love to Aeneas, but weeping not +his own death for want of love to Thee, O God. Thou light of my heart, +Thou bread of my inmost soul, Thou Power who givest vigour to my mind, +who quickenest my thoughts, I loved Thee not. I committed fornication +against Thee, and all around me thus fornicating there echoed "Well +done! well done!" for the friendship of this world is fornication +against Thee; and "Well done! well done!" echoes on till one is ashamed +not to be thus a man. And for all this I wept not, I who wept for Dido +slain, and "seeking by the sword a stroke and wound extreme," myself +seeking the while a worse extreme, the extremest and lowest of Thy +creatures, having forsaken Thee, earth passing into the earth. And +if forbid to read all this, I was grieved that I might not read what +grieved me. Madness like this is thought a higher and a richer learning, +than that by which I learned to read and write. + +But now, my God, cry Thou aloud in my soul; and let Thy truth tell me, +"Not so, not so. Far better was that first study." For, lo, I would +readily forget the wanderings of Aeneas and all the rest, rather than +how to read and write. But over the entrance of the Grammar School is a +vail drawn! true; yet is this not so much an emblem of aught recondite, +as a cloak of error. Let not those, whom I no longer fear, cry out +against me, while I confess to Thee, my God, whatever my soul will, and +acquiesce in the condemnation of my evil ways, that I may love Thy +good ways. Let not either buyers or sellers of grammar-learning cry out +against me. For if I question them whether it be true that Aeneas came +on a time to Carthage, as the poet tells, the less learned will reply +that they know not, the more learned that he never did. But should I ask +with what letters the name "Aeneas" is written, every one who has +learnt this will answer me aright, as to the signs which men have +conventionally settled. If, again, I should ask which might be forgotten +with least detriment to the concerns of life, reading and writing or +these poetic fictions? who does not foresee what all must answer who +have not wholly forgotten themselves? I sinned, then, when as a boy I +preferred those empty to those more profitable studies, or rather loved +the one and hated the other. "One and one, two"; "two and two, four"; +this was to me a hateful singsong: "the wooden horse lined with +armed men," and "the burning of Troy," and "Creusa's shade and sad +similitude," were the choice spectacle of my vanity. + +Why then did I hate the Greek classics, which have the like tales? For +Homer also curiously wove the like fictions, and is most sweetly-vain, +yet was he bitter to my boyish taste. And so I suppose would Virgil +be to Grecian children, when forced to learn him as I was Homer. +Difficulty, in truth, the difficulty of a foreign tongue, dashed, as it +were, with gall all the sweetness of Grecian fable. For not one word of +it did I understand, and to make me understand I was urged vehemently +with cruel threats and punishments. Time was also (as an infant) I +knew no Latin; but this I learned without fear or suffering, by mere +observation, amid the caresses of my nursery and jests of friends, +smiling and sportively encouraging me. This I learned without any +pressure of punishment to urge me on, for my heart urged me to give +birth to its conceptions, which I could only do by learning words not of +those who taught, but of those who talked with me; in whose ears also I +gave birth to the thoughts, whatever I conceived. No doubt, then, that +a free curiosity has more force in our learning these things, than a +frightful enforcement. Only this enforcement restrains the rovings of +that freedom, through Thy laws, O my God, Thy laws, from the master's +cane to the martyr's trials, being able to temper for us a wholesome +bitter, recalling us to Thyself from that deadly pleasure which lures us +from Thee. + +Hear, Lord, my prayer; let not my soul faint under Thy discipline, nor +let me faint in confessing unto Thee all Thy mercies, whereby Thou +hast drawn me out of all my most evil ways, that Thou mightest become a +delight to me above all the allurements which I once pursued; that I may +most entirely love Thee, and clasp Thy hand with all my affections, and +Thou mayest yet rescue me from every temptation, even unto the end. For +lo, O Lord, my King and my God, for Thy service be whatever useful +thing my childhood learned; for Thy service, that I speak, write, read, +reckon. For Thou didst grant me Thy discipline, while I was learning +vanities; and my sin of delighting in those vanities Thou hast forgiven. +In them, indeed, I learnt many a useful word, but these may as well be +learned in things not vain; and that is the safe path for the steps of +youth. + +But woe is thee, thou torrent of human custom! Who shall stand against +thee? how long shalt thou not be dried up? how long roll the sons of Eve +into that huge and hideous ocean, which even they scarcely overpass who +climb the cross? Did not I read in thee of Jove the thunderer and the +adulterer? both, doubtless, he could not be; but so the feigned thunder +might countenance and pander to real adultery. And now which of our +gowned masters lends a sober ear to one who from their own school cries +out, "These were Homer's fictions, transferring things human to the +gods; would he had brought down things divine to us!" Yet more truly had +he said, "These are indeed his fictions; but attributing a divine nature +to wicked men, that crimes might be no longer crimes, and whoso commits +them might seem to imitate not abandoned men, but the celestial gods." + +And yet, thou hellish torrent, into thee are cast the sons of men with +rich rewards, for compassing such learning; and a great solemnity is +made of it, when this is going on in the forum, within sight of laws +appointing a salary beside the scholar's payments; and thou lashest +thy rocks and roarest, "Hence words are learnt; hence eloquence; most +necessary to gain your ends, or maintain opinions." As if we should have +never known such words as "golden shower," "lap," "beguile," "temples +of the heavens," or others in that passage, unless Terence had brought +a lewd youth upon the stage, setting up Jupiter as his example of +seduction. + + "Viewing a picture, where the tale was drawn, + Of Jove's descending in a golden shower + To Danae's lap a woman to beguile." + +And then mark how he excites himself to lust as by celestial authority: + + "And what God? Great Jove, + Who shakes heaven's highest temples with his thunder, + + And I, poor mortal man, not do the same! + I did it, and with all my heart I did it." + +Not one whit more easily are the words learnt for all this vileness; +but by their means the vileness is committed with less shame. Not that +I blame the words, being, as it were, choice and precious vessels; but +that wine of error which is drunk to us in them by intoxicated teachers; +and if we, too, drink not, we are beaten, and have no sober judge to +whom we may appeal. Yet, O my God (in whose presence I now without hurt +may remember this), all this unhappily I learnt willingly with great +delight, and for this was pronounced a hopeful boy. + +Bear with me, my God, while I say somewhat of my wit, Thy gift, and on +what dotages I wasted it. For a task was set me, troublesome enough to +my soul, upon terms of praise or shame, and fear of stripes, to speak +the words of Juno, as she raged and mourned that she could not + + "This Trojan prince from Latinum turn." + +Which words I had heard that Juno never uttered; but we were forced to +go astray in the footsteps of these poetic fictions, and to say in prose +much what he expressed in verse. And his speaking was most applauded, in +whom the passions of rage and grief were most preeminent, and clothed +in the most fitting language, maintaining the dignity of the character. +What is it to me, O my true life, my God, that my declamation was +applauded above so many of my own age and class? is not all this smoke +and wind? and was there nothing else whereon to exercise my wit and +tongue? Thy praises, Lord, Thy praises might have stayed the yet tender +shoot of my heart by the prop of Thy Scriptures; so had it not trailed +away amid these empty trifles, a defiled prey for the fowls of the air. +For in more ways than one do men sacrifice to the rebellious angels. + +But what marvel that I was thus carried away to vanities, and went out +from Thy presence, O my God, when men were set before me as models, who, +if in relating some action of theirs, in itself not ill, they committed +some barbarism or solecism, being censured, were abashed; but when +in rich and adorned and well-ordered discourse they related their own +disordered life, being bepraised, they gloried? These things Thou seest, +Lord, and holdest Thy peace; long-suffering, and plenteous in mercy and +truth. Wilt Thou hold Thy peace for ever? and even now Thou drawest out +of this horrible gulf the soul that seeketh Thee, that thirsteth for +Thy pleasures, whose heart saith unto Thee, I have sought Thy face; Thy +face, Lord, will I seek. For darkened affections is removal from Thee. +For it is not by our feet, or change of place, that men leave Thee, or +return unto Thee. Or did that Thy younger son look out for horses or +chariots, or ships, fly with visible wings, or journey by the motion of +his limbs, that he might in a far country waste in riotous living all +Thou gavest at his departure? a loving Father, when Thou gavest, and +more loving unto him, when he returned empty. So then in lustful, that +is, in darkened affections, is the true distance from Thy face. + +Behold, O Lord God, yea, behold patiently as Thou art wont how carefully +the sons of men observe the covenanted rules of letters and syllables +received from those who spake before them, neglecting the eternal +covenant of everlasting salvation received from Thee. Insomuch, that +a teacher or learner of the hereditary laws of pronunciation will more +offend men by speaking without the aspirate, of a "uman being," in +despite of the laws of grammar, than if he, a "human being," hate a +"human being" in despite of Thine. As if any enemy could be more hurtful +than the hatred with which he is incensed against him; or could wound +more deeply him whom he persecutes, than he wounds his own soul by his +enmity. Assuredly no science of letters can be so innate as the record +of conscience, "that he is doing to another what from another he would +be loth to suffer." How deep are Thy ways, O God, Thou only great, +that sittest silent on high and by an unwearied law dispensing penal +blindness to lawless desires. In quest of the fame of eloquence, a man +standing before a human judge, surrounded by a human throng, declaiming +against his enemy with fiercest hatred, will take heed most watchfully, +lest, by an error of the tongue, he murder the word "human being"; but +takes no heed, lest, through the fury of his spirit, he murder the real +human being. + +This was the world at whose gate unhappy I lay in my boyhood; this +the stage where I had feared more to commit a barbarism, than having +committed one, to envy those who had not. These things I speak and +confess to Thee, my God; for which I had praise from them, whom I then +thought it all virtue to please. For I saw not the abyss of vileness, +wherein I was cast away from Thine eyes. Before them what more foul than +I was already, displeasing even such as myself? with innumerable lies +deceiving my tutor, my masters, my parents, from love of play, eagerness +to see vain shows and restlessness to imitate them! Thefts also I +committed, from my parents' cellar and table, enslaved by greediness, or +that I might have to give to boys, who sold me their play, which all +the while they liked no less than I. In this play, too, I often +sought unfair conquests, conquered myself meanwhile by vain desire of +preeminence. And what could I so ill endure, or, when I detected it, +upbraided I so fiercely, as that I was doing to others? and for which +if, detected, I was upbraided, I chose rather to quarrel than to yield. +And is this the innocence of boyhood? Not so, Lord, not so; I cry Thy +mercy, my God. For these very sins, as riper years succeed, these very +sins are transferred from tutors and masters, from nuts and balls and +sparrows, to magistrates and kings, to gold and manors and slaves, just +as severer punishments displace the cane. It was the low stature then of +childhood which Thou our King didst commend as an emblem of lowliness, +when Thou saidst, Of such is the kingdom of heaven. + +Yet, Lord, to Thee, the Creator and Governor of the universe, most +excellent and most good, thanks were due to Thee our God, even hadst +Thou destined for me boyhood only. For even then I was, I lived, and +felt; and had an implanted providence over my well-being--a trace of +that mysterious Unity whence I was derived; I guarded by the inward +sense the entireness of my senses, and in these minute pursuits, and in +my thoughts on things minute, I learnt to delight in truth, I hated to +be deceived, had a vigorous memory, was gifted with speech, was +soothed by friendship, avoided pain, baseness, ignorance. In so small a +creature, what was not wonderful, not admirable? But all are gifts of +my God: it was not I who gave them me; and good these are, and these +together are myself. Good, then, is He that made me, and He is my good; +and before Him will I exult for every good which of a boy I had. For it +was my sin, that not in Him, but in His creatures--myself and others--I +sought for pleasures, sublimities, truths, and so fell headlong into +sorrows, confusions, errors. Thanks be to Thee, my joy and my glory +and my confidence, my God, thanks be to Thee for Thy gifts; but do Thou +preserve them to me. For so wilt Thou preserve me, and those things +shall be enlarged and perfected which Thou hast given me, and I myself +shall be with Thee, since even to be Thou hast given me. + + + + +BOOK II + + +I will now call to mind my past foulness, and the carnal corruptions of +my soul; not because I love them, but that I may love Thee, O my God. +For love of Thy love I do it; reviewing my most wicked ways in the very +bitterness of my remembrance, that Thou mayest grow sweet unto me (Thou +sweetness never failing, Thou blissful and assured sweetness); and +gathering me again out of that my dissipation, wherein I was torn +piecemeal, while turned from Thee, the One Good, I lost myself among a +multiplicity of things. For I even burnt in my youth heretofore, to be +satiated in things below; and I dared to grow wild again, with these +various and shadowy loves: my beauty consumed away, and I stank in Thine +eyes; pleasing myself, and desirous to please in the eyes of men. + +And what was it that I delighted in, but to love, and be loved? but +I kept not the measure of love, of mind to mind, friendship's bright +boundary: but out of the muddy concupiscence of the flesh, and the +bubblings of youth, mists fumed up which beclouded and overcast my +heart, that I could not discern the clear brightness of love from the +fog of lustfulness. Both did confusedly boil in me, and hurried my +unstayed youth over the precipice of unholy desires, and sunk me in a +gulf of flagitiousnesses. Thy wrath had gathered over me, and I knew it +not. I was grown deaf by the clanking of the chain of my mortality, the +punishment of the pride of my soul, and I strayed further from Thee, +and Thou lettest me alone, and I was tossed about, and wasted, and +dissipated, and I boiled over in my fornications, and Thou heldest Thy +peace, O Thou my tardy joy! Thou then heldest Thy peace, and I wandered +further and further from Thee, into more and more fruitless seed-plots +of sorrows, with a proud dejectedness, and a restless weariness. + +Oh! that some one had then attempered my disorder, and turned to account +the fleeting beauties of these, the extreme points of Thy creation! had +put a bound to their pleasureableness, that so the tides of my youth +might have cast themselves upon the marriage shore, if they could not be +calmed, and kept within the object of a family, as Thy law prescribes, +O Lord: who this way formest the offspring of this our death, being +able with a gentle hand to blunt the thorns which were excluded from Thy +paradise? For Thy omnipotency is not far from us, even when we be far +from Thee. Else ought I more watchfully to have heeded the voice from +the clouds: Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh, but I +spare you. And it is good for a man not to touch a woman. And, he that +is unmarried thinketh of the things of the Lord, how he may please the +Lord; but he that is married careth for the things of this world, how he +may please his wife. + +To these words I should have listened more attentively, and being +severed for the kingdom of heaven's sake, had more happily awaited Thy +embraces; but I, poor wretch, foamed like a troubled sea, following the +rushing of my own tide, forsaking Thee, and exceeded all Thy limits; yet +I escaped not Thy scourges. For what mortal can? For Thou wert ever with +me mercifully rigorous, and besprinkling with most bitter alloy all my +unlawful pleasures: that I might seek pleasures without alloy. But where +to find such, I could not discover, save in Thee, O Lord, who teachest +by sorrow, and woundest us, to heal; and killest us, lest we die from +Thee. Where was I, and how far was I exiled from the delights of Thy +house, in that sixteenth year of the age of my flesh, when the madness +of lust (to which human shamelessness giveth free licence, though +unlicensed by Thy laws) took the rule over me, and I resigned myself +wholly to it? My friends meanwhile took no care by marriage to save my +fall; their only care was that I should learn to speak excellently, and +be a persuasive orator. + +For that year were my studies intermitted: whilst after my return from +Madaura (a neighbour city, whither I had journeyed to learn grammar and +rhetoric), the expenses for a further journey to Carthage were being +provided for me; and that rather by the resolution than the means of my +father, who was but a poor freeman of Thagaste. To whom tell I this? not +to Thee, my God; but before Thee to mine own kind, even to that small +portion of mankind as may light upon these writings of mine. And to what +purpose? that whosoever reads this, may think out of what depths we are +to cry unto Thee. For what is nearer to Thine ears than a confessing +heart, and a life of faith? Who did not extol my father, for that beyond +the ability of his means, he would furnish his son with all necessaries +for a far journey for his studies' sake? For many far abler citizens +did no such thing for their children. But yet this same father had no +concern how I grew towards Thee, or how chaste I were; so that I were +but copious in speech, however barren I were to Thy culture, O God, who +art the only true and good Lord of Thy field, my heart. + +But while in that my sixteenth year I lived with my parents, leaving all +school for a while (a season of idleness being interposed through the +narrowness of my parents' fortunes), the briers of unclean desires grew +rank over my head, and there was no hand to root them out. When that my +father saw me at the baths, now growing towards manhood, and endued +with a restless youthfulness, he, as already hence anticipating his +descendants, gladly told it to my mother; rejoicing in that tumult of +the senses wherein the world forgetteth Thee its Creator, and becometh +enamoured of Thy creature, instead of Thyself, through the fumes of that +invisible wine of its self-will, turning aside and bowing down to the +very basest things. But in my mother's breast Thou hadst already begun +Thy temple, and the foundation of Thy holy habitation, whereas my +father was as yet but a Catechumen, and that but recently. She then was +startled with a holy fear and trembling; and though I was not as yet +baptised, feared for me those crooked ways in which they walk who turn +their back to Thee, and not their face. + +Woe is me! and dare I say that Thou heldest Thy peace, O my God, while I +wandered further from Thee? Didst Thou then indeed hold Thy peace to me? +And whose but Thine were these words which by my mother, Thy faithful +one, Thou sangest in my ears? Nothing whereof sunk into my heart, so as +to do it. For she wished, and I remember in private with great anxiety +warned me, "not to commit fornication; but especially never to defile +another man's wife." These seemed to me womanish advices, which I should +blush to obey. But they were Thine, and I knew it not: and I thought +Thou wert silent and that it was she who spake; by whom Thou wert not +silent unto me; and in her wast despised by me, her son, the son of Thy +handmaid, Thy servant. But I knew it not; and ran headlong with such +blindness, that amongst my equals I was ashamed of a less shamelessness, +when I heard them boast of their flagitiousness, yea, and the more +boasting, the more they were degraded: and I took pleasure, not only in +the pleasure of the deed, but in the praise. What is worthy of dispraise +but vice? But I made myself worse than I was, that I might not be +dispraised; and when in any thing I had not sinned as the abandoned +ones, I would say that I had done what I had not done, that I might not +seem contemptible in proportion as I was innocent; or of less account, +the more chaste. + +Behold with what companions I walked the streets of Babylon, and +wallowed in the mire thereof, as if in a bed of spices and precious +ointments. And that I might cleave the faster to its very centre, the +invisible enemy trod me down, and seduced me, for that I was easy to be +seduced. Neither did the mother of my flesh (who had now fled out of +the centre of Babylon, yet went more slowly in the skirts thereof as +she advised me to chastity, so heed what she had heard of me from her +husband, as to restrain within the bounds of conjugal affection, if it +could not be pared away to the quick) what she felt to be pestilent +at present and for the future dangerous. She heeded not this, for she +feared lest a wife should prove a clog and hindrance to my hopes. Not +those hopes of the world to come, which my mother reposed in Thee; but +the hope of learning, which both my parents were too desirous I should +attain; my father, because he had next to no thought of Thee, and of +me but vain conceits; my mother, because she accounted that those +usual courses of learning would not only be no hindrance, but even some +furtherance towards attaining Thee. For thus I conjecture, recalling, as +well as I may, the disposition of my parents. The reins, meantime, were +slackened to me, beyond all temper of due severity, to spend my time in +sport, yea, even unto dissoluteness in whatsoever I affected. And in all +was a mist, intercepting from me, O my God, the brightness of Thy truth; +and mine iniquity burst out as from very fatness. + +Theft is punished by Thy law, O Lord, and the law written in the hearts +of men, which iniquity itself effaces not. For what thief will abide a +thief? not even a rich thief, one stealing through want. Yet I lusted to +thieve, and did it, compelled by no hunger, nor poverty, but through a +cloyedness of well-doing, and a pamperedness of iniquity. For I stole +that, of which I had enough, and much better. Nor cared I to enjoy what +I stole, but joyed in the theft and sin itself. A pear tree there was +near our vineyard, laden with fruit, tempting neither for colour nor +taste. To shake and rob this, some lewd young fellows of us went, late +one night (having according to our pestilent custom prolonged our sports +in the streets till then), and took huge loads, not for our eating, but +to fling to the very hogs, having only tasted them. And this, but to +do what we liked only, because it was misliked. Behold my heart, O +God, behold my heart, which Thou hadst pity upon in the bottom of the +bottomless pit. Now, behold, let my heart tell Thee what it sought +there, that I should be gratuitously evil, having no temptation to ill, +but the ill itself. It was foul, and I loved it; I loved to perish, +I loved mine own fault, not that for which I was faulty, but my fault +itself. Foul soul, falling from Thy firmament to utter destruction; not +seeking aught through the shame, but the shame itself! + +For there is an attractiveness in beautiful bodies, in gold and silver, +and all things; and in bodily touch, sympathy hath much influence, and +each other sense hath his proper object answerably tempered. Worldy +honour hath also its grace, and the power of overcoming, and of mastery; +whence springs also the thirst of revenge. But yet, to obtain all these, +we may not depart from Thee, O Lord, nor decline from Thy law. The life +also which here we live hath its own enchantment, through a certain +proportion of its own, and a correspondence with all things beautiful +here below. Human friendship also is endeared with a sweet tie, by +reason of the unity formed of many souls. Upon occasion of all these, +and the like, is sin committed, while through an immoderate inclination +towards these goods of the lowest order, the better and higher are +forsaken,--Thou, our Lord God, Thy truth, and Thy law. For these lower +things have their delights, but not like my God, who made all things; +for in Him doth the righteous delight, and He is the joy of the upright +in heart. + +When, then, we ask why a crime was done, we believe it not, unless it +appear that there might have been some desire of obtaining some of those +which we called lower goods, or a fear of losing them. For they are +beautiful and comely; although compared with those higher and beatific +goods, they be abject and low. A man hath murdered another; why? he +loved his wife or his estate; or would rob for his own livelihood; or +feared to lose some such things by him; or, wronged, was on fire to be +revenged. Would any commit murder upon no cause, delighted simply in +murdering? who would believe it? for as for that furious and savage man, +of whom it is said that he was gratuitously evil and cruel, yet is the +cause assigned; "lest" (saith he) "through idleness hand or heart should +grow inactive." And to what end? that, through that practice of guilt, +he might, having taken the city, attain to honours, empire, riches, and +be freed from fear of the laws, and his embarrassments from domestic +needs, and consciousness of villainies. So then, not even Catiline +himself loved his own villainies, but something else, for whose sake he +did them. + +What then did wretched I so love in thee, thou theft of mine, thou deed +of darkness, in that sixteenth year of my age? Lovely thou wert not, +because thou wert theft. But art thou any thing, that thus I speak to +thee? Fair were the pears we stole, because they were Thy creation, Thou +fairest of all, Creator of all, Thou good God; God, the sovereign good +and my true good. Fair were those pears, but not them did my wretched +soul desire; for I had store of better, and those I gathered, only that +I might steal. For, when gathered, I flung them away, my only feast +therein being my own sin, which I was pleased to enjoy. For if aught +of those pears came within my mouth, what sweetened it was the sin. +And now, O Lord my God, I enquire what in that theft delighted me; and +behold it hath no loveliness; I mean not such loveliness as in justice +and wisdom; nor such as is in the mind and memory, and senses, and +animal life of man; nor yet as the stars are glorious and beautiful in +their orbs; or the earth, or sea, full of embryo-life, replacing by its +birth that which decayeth; nay, nor even that false and shadowy beauty +which belongeth to deceiving vices. + +For so doth pride imitate exaltedness; whereas Thou alone art God +exalted over all. Ambition, what seeks it, but honours and glory? +whereas Thou alone art to be honoured above all, and glorious for +evermore. The cruelty of the great would fain be feared; but who is +to be feared but God alone, out of whose power what can be wrested or +withdrawn? when, or where, or whither, or by whom? The tendernesses of +the wanton would fain be counted love: yet is nothing more tender than +Thy charity; nor is aught loved more healthfully than that Thy truth, +bright and beautiful above all. Curiosity makes semblance of a desire +of knowledge; whereas Thou supremely knowest all. Yea, ignorance +and foolishness itself is cloaked under the name of simplicity and +uninjuriousness; because nothing is found more single than Thee: and +what less injurious, since they are his own works which injure the +sinner? Yea, sloth would fain be at rest; but what stable rest besides +the Lord? Luxury affects to be called plenty and abundance; but Thou art +the fulness and never-failing plenteousness of incorruptible pleasures. +Prodigality presents a shadow of liberality: but Thou art the most +overflowing Giver of all good. Covetousness would possess many things; +and Thou possessest all things. Envy disputes for excellency: what more +excellent than Thou? Anger seeks revenge: who revenges more justly +than Thou? Fear startles at things unwonted and sudden, which endangers +things beloved, and takes forethought for their safety; but to Thee what +unwonted or sudden, or who separateth from Thee what Thou lovest? Or +where but with Thee is unshaken safety? Grief pines away for things +lost, the delight of its desires; because it would have nothing taken +from it, as nothing can from Thee. + +Thus doth the soul commit fornication, when she turns from Thee, seeking +without Thee, what she findeth not pure and untainted, till she returns +to Thee. Thus all pervertedly imitate Thee, who remove far from Thee, +and lift themselves up against Thee. But even by thus imitating Thee, +they imply Thee to be the Creator of all nature; whence there is no +place whither altogether to retire from Thee. What then did I love in +that theft? and wherein did I even corruptly and pervertedly imitate my +Lord? Did I wish even by stealth to do contrary to Thy law, because +by power I could not, so that being a prisoner, I might mimic a maimed +liberty by doing with impunity things unpermitted me, a darkened +likeness of Thy Omnipotency? Behold, Thy servant, fleeing from his Lord, +and obtaining a shadow. O rottenness, O monstrousness of life, and depth +of death! could I like what I might not, only because I might not? + +What shall I render unto the Lord, that, whilst my memory recalls these +things, my soul is not affrighted at them? I will love Thee, O Lord, +and thank Thee, and confess unto Thy name; because Thou hast forgiven me +these so great and heinous deeds of mine. To Thy grace I ascribe it, and +to Thy mercy, that Thou hast melted away my sins as it were ice. To Thy +grace I ascribe also whatsoever I have not done of evil; for what might +I not have done, who even loved a sin for its own sake? Yea, all I +confess to have been forgiven me; both what evils I committed by my own +wilfulness, and what by Thy guidance I committed not. What man is +he, who, weighing his own infirmity, dares to ascribe his purity and +innocency to his own strength; that so he should love Thee the less, as +if he had less needed Thy mercy, whereby Thou remittest sins to those +that turn to Thee? For whosoever, called by Thee, followed Thy voice, +and avoided those things which he reads me recalling and confessing +of myself, let him not scorn me, who being sick, was cured by that +Physician, through whose aid it was that he was not, or rather was less, +sick: and for this let him love Thee as much, yea and more; since by +whom he sees me to have been recovered from such deep consumption of +sin, by Him he sees himself to have been from the like consumption of +sin preserved. + +What fruit had I then (wretched man!) in those things, of the +remembrance whereof I am now ashamed? Especially, in that theft which +I loved for the theft's sake; and it too was nothing, and therefore the +more miserable I, who loved it. Yet alone I had not done it: such was I +then, I remember, alone I had never done it. I loved then in it also +the company of the accomplices, with whom I did it? I did not then love +nothing else but the theft, yea rather I did love nothing else; for that +circumstance of the company was also nothing. What is, in truth? who can +teach me, save He that enlighteneth my heart, and discovereth its +dark corners? What is it which hath come into my mind to enquire, and +discuss, and consider? For had I then loved the pears I stole, +and wished to enjoy them, I might have done it alone, had the bare +commission of the theft sufficed to attain my pleasure; nor needed +I have inflamed the itching of my desires by the excitement of +accomplices. But since my pleasure was not in those pears, it was in the +offence itself, which the company of fellow-sinners occasioned. + +What then was this feeling? For of a truth it was too foul: and woe was +me, who had it. But yet what was it? Who can understand his errors? It +was the sport, which as it were tickled our hearts, that we beguiled +those who little thought what we were doing, and much disliked it. Why +then was my delight of such sort that I did it not alone? Because none +doth ordinarily laugh alone? ordinarily no one; yet laughter sometimes +masters men alone and singly when no one whatever is with them, if +anything very ludicrous presents itself to their senses or mind. Yet +I had not done this alone; alone I had never done it. Behold my God, +before Thee, the vivid remembrance of my soul; alone, I had never +committed that theft wherein what I stole pleased me not, but that +I stole; nor had it alone liked me to do it, nor had I done it. O +friendship too unfriendly! thou incomprehensible inveigler of the soul, +thou greediness to do mischief out of mirth and wantonness, thou thirst +of others' loss, without lust of my own gain or revenge: but when it is +said, "Let's go, let's do it," we are ashamed not to be shameless. + +Who can disentangle that twisted and intricate knottiness? Foul is it: I +hate to think on it, to look on it. But Thee I long for, O Righteousness +and Innocency, beautiful and comely to all pure eyes, and of a +satisfaction unsating. With Thee is rest entire, and life imperturbable. +Whoso enters into Thee, enters into the joy of his Lord: and shall not +fear, and shall do excellently in the All-Excellent. I sank away from +Thee, and I wandered, O my God, too much astray from Thee my stay, in +these days of my youth, and I became to myself a barren land. + + + + +BOOK III + + +To Carthage I came, where there sang all around me in my ears a cauldron +of unholy loves. I loved not yet, yet I loved to love, and out of a +deep-seated want, I hated myself for wanting not. I sought what I might +love, in love with loving, and safety I hated, and a way without snares. +For within me was a famine of that inward food, Thyself, my God; yet, +through that famine I was not hungered; but was without all longing for +incorruptible sustenance, not because filled therewith, but the more +empty, the more I loathed it. For this cause my soul was sickly and full +of sores, it miserably cast itself forth, desiring to be scraped by the +touch of objects of sense. Yet if these had not a soul, they would not +be objects of love. To love then, and to be beloved, was sweet to +me; but more, when I obtained to enjoy the person I loved, I defiled, +therefore, the spring of friendship with the filth of concupiscence, and +I beclouded its brightness with the hell of lustfulness; and thus +foul and unseemly, I would fain, through exceeding vanity, be fine +and courtly. I fell headlong then into the love wherein I longed to be +ensnared. My God, my Mercy, with how much gall didst Thou out of Thy +great goodness besprinkle for me that sweetness? For I was both beloved, +and secretly arrived at the bond of enjoying; and was with joy fettered +with sorrow-bringing bonds, that I might be scourged with the iron +burning rods of jealousy, and suspicions, and fears, and angers, and +quarrels. + +Stage-plays also carried me away, full of images of my miseries, and of +fuel to my fire. Why is it, that man desires to be made sad, beholding +doleful and tragical things, which yet himself would no means suffer? +yet he desires as a spectator to feel sorrow at them, and this very +sorrow is his pleasure. What is this but a miserable madness? for a man +is the more affected with these actions, the less free he is from such +affections. Howsoever, when he suffers in his own person, it uses to be +styled misery: when he compassionates others, then it is mercy. But what +sort of compassion is this for feigned and scenical passions? for the +auditor is not called on to relieve, but only to grieve: and he applauds +the actor of these fictions the more, the more he grieves. And if the +calamities of those persons (whether of old times, or mere fiction) +be so acted, that the spectator is not moved to tears, he goes away +disgusted and criticising; but if he be moved to passion, he stays +intent, and weeps for joy. + +Are griefs then too loved? Verily all desire joy. Or whereas no man +likes to be miserable, is he yet pleased to be merciful? which because +it cannot be without passion, for this reason alone are passions loved? +This also springs from that vein of friendship. But whither goes that +vein? whither flows it? wherefore runs it into that torrent of pitch +bubbling forth those monstrous tides of foul lustfulness, into which it +is wilfully changed and transformed, being of its own will precipitated +and corrupted from its heavenly clearness? Shall compassion then be +put away? by no means. Be griefs then sometimes loved. But beware of +uncleanness, O my soul, under the guardianship of my God, the God of our +fathers, who is to be praised and exalted above all for ever, beware of +uncleanness. For I have not now ceased to pity; but then in the theatres +I rejoiced with lovers when they wickedly enjoyed one another, although +this was imaginary only in the play. And when they lost one another, as +if very compassionate, I sorrowed with them, yet had my delight in both. +But now I much more pity him that rejoiceth in his wickedness, than him +who is thought to suffer hardship, by missing some pernicious pleasure, +and the loss of some miserable felicity. This certainly is the truer +mercy, but in it grief delights not. For though he that grieves for the +miserable, be commended for his office of charity; yet had he, who is +genuinely compassionate, rather there were nothing for him to grieve +for. For if good will be ill willed (which can never be), then may +he, who truly and sincerely commiserates, wish there might be some +miserable, that he might commiserate. Some sorrow may then be allowed, +none loved. For thus dost Thou, O Lord God, who lovest souls far more +purely than we, and hast more incorruptibly pity on them, yet are +wounded with no sorrowfulness. And who is sufficient for these things? + +But I, miserable, then loved to grieve, and sought out what to grieve +at, when in another's and that feigned and personated misery, that +acting best pleased me, and attracted me the most vehemently, which +drew tears from me. What marvel that an unhappy sheep, straying from +Thy flock, and impatient of Thy keeping, I became infected with a foul +disease? And hence the love of griefs; not such as should sink deep into +me; for I loved not to suffer, what I loved to look on; but such as upon +hearing their fictions should lightly scratch the surface; upon which, +as on envenomed nails, followed inflamed swelling, impostumes, and a +putrefied sore. My life being such, was it life, O my God? + +And Thy faithful mercy hovered over me afar. Upon how grievous +iniquities consumed I myself, pursuing a sacrilegious curiosity, that +having forsaken Thee, it might bring me to the treacherous abyss, and +the beguiling service of devils, to whom I sacrificed my evil actions, +and in all these things Thou didst scourge me! I dared even, while Thy +solemnities were celebrated within the walls of Thy Church, to desire, +and to compass a business deserving death for its fruits, for which Thou +scourgedst me with grievous punishments, though nothing to my fault, +O Thou my exceeding mercy, my God, my refuge from those terrible +destroyers, among whom I wandered with a stiff neck, withdrawing +further from Thee, loving mine own ways, and not Thine; loving a vagrant +liberty. + +Those studies also, which were accounted commendable, had a view to +excelling in the courts of litigation; the more bepraised, the craftier. +Such is men's blindness, glorying even in their blindness. And now I +was chief in the rhetoric school, whereat I joyed proudly, and I swelled +with arrogancy, though (Lord, Thou knowest) far quieter and altogether +removed from the subvertings of those "Subverters" (for this ill-omened +and devilish name was the very badge of gallantry) among whom I lived, +with a shameless shame that I was not even as they. With them I lived, +and was sometimes delighted with their friendship, whose doings I ever +did abhor--i.e., their "subvertings," wherewith they wantonly persecuted +the modesty of strangers, which they disturbed by a gratuitous jeering, +feeding thereon their malicious birth. Nothing can be liker the very +actions of devils than these. What then could they be more truly called +than "Subverters"? themselves subverted and altogether perverted first, +the deceiving spirits secretly deriding and seducing them, wherein +themselves delight to jeer at and deceive others. + +Among such as these, in that unsettled age of mine, learned I books +of eloquence, wherein I desired to be eminent, out of a damnable and +vainglorious end, a joy in human vanity. In the ordinary course of +study, I fell upon a certain book of Cicero, whose speech almost all +admire, not so his heart. This book of his contains an exhortation +to philosophy, and is called "Hortensius." But this book altered my +affections, and turned my prayers to Thyself O Lord; and made me have +other purposes and desires. Every vain hope at once became worthless to +me; and I longed with an incredibly burning desire for an immortality of +wisdom, and began now to arise, that I might return to Thee. For not +to sharpen my tongue (which thing I seemed to be purchasing with my +mother's allowances, in that my nineteenth year, my father being dead +two years before), not to sharpen my tongue did I employ that book; nor +did it infuse into me its style, but its matter. + +How did I burn then, my God, how did I burn to re-mount from earthly +things to Thee, nor knew I what Thou wouldest do with me? For with Thee +is wisdom. But the love of wisdom is in Greek called "philosophy," +with which that book inflamed me. Some there be that seduce through +philosophy, under a great, and smooth, and honourable name colouring and +disguising their own errors: and almost all who in that and former ages +were such, are in that book censured and set forth: there also is +made plain that wholesome advice of Thy Spirit, by Thy good and devout +servant: Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain +deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, +and not after Christ. For in Him dwelleth all the fulness of the Godhead +bodily. And since at that time (Thou, O light of my heart, knowest) +Apostolic Scripture was not known to me, I was delighted with that +exhortation, so far only, that I was thereby strongly roused, and +kindled, and inflamed to love, and seek, and obtain, and hold, and +embrace not this or that sect, but wisdom itself whatever it were; and +this alone checked me thus unkindled, that the name of Christ was not +in it. For this name, according to Thy mercy, O Lord, this name of +my Saviour Thy Son, had my tender heart, even with my mother's milk, +devoutly drunk in and deeply treasured; and whatsoever was without that +name, though never so learned, polished, or true, took not entire hold +of me. + +I resolved then to bend my mind to the holy Scriptures, that I might see +what they were. But behold, I see a thing not understood by the proud, +nor laid open to children, lowly in access, in its recesses lofty, and +veiled with mysteries; and I was not such as could enter into it, or +stoop my neck to follow its steps. For not as I now speak, did I feel +when I turned to those Scriptures; but they seemed to me unworthy to be +compared to the stateliness of Tully: for my swelling pride shrunk from +their lowliness, nor could my sharp wit pierce the interior thereof. Yet +were they such as would grow up in a little one. But I disdained to be a +little one; and, swollen with pride, took myself to be a great one. + +Therefore I fell among men proudly doting, exceeding carnal and prating, +in whose mouths were the snares of the Devil, limed with the mixture of +the syllables of Thy name, and of our Lord Jesus Christ, and of the Holy +Ghost, the Paraclete, our Comforter. These names departed not out of +their mouth, but so far forth as the sound only and the noise of the +tongue, for the heart was void of truth. Yet they cried out "Truth, +Truth," and spake much thereof to me, yet it was not in them: but they +spake falsehood, not of Thee only (who truly art Truth), but even of +those elements of this world, Thy creatures. And I indeed ought to have +passed by even philosophers who spake truth concerning them, for love +of Thee, my Father, supremely good, Beauty of all things beautiful. +O Truth, Truth, how inwardly did even then the marrow of my soul pant +after Thee, when they often and diversely, and in many and huge books, +echoed of Thee to me, though it was but an echo? And these were the +dishes wherein to me, hungering after Thee, they, instead of Thee, +served up the Sun and Moon, beautiful works of Thine, but yet Thy works, +not Thyself, no nor Thy first works. For Thy spiritual works are before +these corporeal works, celestial though they be, and shining. But I +hungered and thirsted not even after those first works of Thine, but +after Thee Thyself, the Truth, in whom is no variableness, neither +shadow of turning: yet they still set before me in those dishes, +glittering fantasies, than which better were it to love this very sun +(which is real to our sight at least), than those fantasies which by +our eyes deceive our mind. Yet because I thought them to be Thee, I fed +thereon; not eagerly, for Thou didst not in them taste to me as Thou +art; for Thou wast not these emptinesses, nor was I nourished by them, +but exhausted rather. Food in sleep shows very like our food awake; yet +are not those asleep nourished by it, for they are asleep. But those +were not even any way like to Thee, as Thou hast now spoken to me; for +those were corporeal fantasies, false bodies, than which these true +bodies, celestial or terrestrial, which with our fleshly sight we +behold, are far more certain: these things the beasts and birds discern +as well as we, and they are more certain than when we fancy them. And +again, we do with more certainty fancy them, than by them conjecture +other vaster and infinite bodies which have no being. Such empty husks +was I then fed on; and was not fed. But Thou, my soul's Love, in looking +for whom I fail, that I may become strong, art neither those bodies +which we see, though in heaven; nor those which we see not there; for +Thou hast created them, nor dost Thou account them among the chiefest of +Thy works. How far then art Thou from those fantasies of mine, fantasies +of bodies which altogether are not, than which the images of those +bodies, which are, are far more certain, and more certain still the +bodies themselves, which yet Thou art not; no, nor yet the soul, which +is the life of the bodies. So then, better and more certain is the life +of the bodies than the bodies. But Thou art the life of souls, the life +of lives, having life in Thyself; and changest not, life of my soul. + +Where then wert Thou then to me, and how far from me? Far verily was I +straying from Thee, barred from the very husks of the swine, whom with +husks I fed. For how much better are the fables of poets and grammarians +than these snares? For verses, and poems, and "Medea flying," are more +profitable truly than these men's five elements, variously disguised, +answering to five dens of darkness, which have no being, yet slay the +believer. For verses and poems I can turn to true food, and "Medea +flying," though I did sing, I maintained not; though I heard it sung, +I believed not: but those things I did believe. Woe, woe, by what steps +was I brought down to the depths of hell! toiling and turmoiling through +want of Truth, since I sought after Thee, my God (to Thee I confess +it, who hadst mercy on me, not as yet confessing), not according to the +understanding of the mind, wherein Thou willedst that I should excel +the beasts, but according to the sense of the flesh. But Thou wert more +inward to me than my most inward part; and higher than my highest. I +lighted upon that bold woman, simple and knoweth nothing, shadowed out +in Solomon, sitting at the door, and saying, Eat ye bread of secrecies +willingly, and drink ye stolen waters which are sweet: she seduced me, +because she found my soul dwelling abroad in the eye of my flesh, and +ruminating on such food as through it I had devoured. + +For other than this, that which really is I knew not; and was, as it +were through sharpness of wit, persuaded to assent to foolish deceivers, +when they asked me, "whence is evil?" "is God bounded by a bodily shape, +and has hairs and nails?" "are they to be esteemed righteous who had +many wives at once, and did kill men, and sacrifice living creatures?" +At which I, in my ignorance, was much troubled, and departing from the +truth, seemed to myself to be making towards it; because as yet I knew +not that evil was nothing but a privation of good, until at last a thing +ceases altogether to be; which how should I see, the sight of whose eyes +reached only to bodies, and of my mind to a phantasm? And I knew not God +to be a Spirit, not one who hath parts extended in length and breadth, +or whose being was bulk; for every bulk is less in a part than in the +whole: and if it be infinite, it must be less in such part as is defined +by a certain space, than in its infinitude; and so is not wholly every +where, as Spirit, as God. And what that should be in us, by which we +were like to God, and might be rightly said to be after the image of +God, I was altogether ignorant. + +Nor knew I that true inward righteousness which judgeth not according +to custom, but out of the most rightful law of God Almighty, whereby +the ways of places and times were disposed according to those times and +places; itself meantime being the same always and every where, not one +thing in one place, and another in another; according to which Abraham, +and Isaac, and Jacob, and Moses, and David, were righteous, and all +those commended by the mouth of God; but were judged unrighteous by +silly men, judging out of man's judgment, and measuring by their own +petty habits, the moral habits of the whole human race. As if in an +armory, one ignorant what were adapted to each part should cover his +head with greaves, or seek to be shod with a helmet, and complain that +they fitted not: or as if on a day when business is publicly stopped in +the afternoon, one were angered at not being allowed to keep open shop, +because he had been in the forenoon; or when in one house he observeth +some servant take a thing in his hand, which the butler is not suffered +to meddle with; or something permitted out of doors, which is forbidden +in the dining-room; and should be angry, that in one house, and one +family, the same thing is not allotted every where, and to all. Even +such are they who are fretted to hear something to have been lawful +for righteous men formerly, which now is not; or that God, for certain +temporal respects, commanded them one thing, and these another, obeying +both the same righteousness: whereas they see, in one man, and one day, +and one house, different things to be fit for different members, and +a thing formerly lawful, after a certain time not so; in one corner +permitted or commanded, but in another rightly forbidden and punished. +Is justice therefore various or mutable? No, but the times, over which +it presides, flow not evenly, because they are times. But men whose days +are few upon the earth, for that by their senses they cannot harmonise +the causes of things in former ages and other nations, which they had +not experience of, with these which they have experience of, whereas in +one and the same body, day, or family, they easily see what is fitting +for each member, and season, part, and person; to the one they take +exceptions, to the other they submit. + +These things I then knew not, nor observed; they struck my sight on all +sides, and I saw them not. I indited verses, in which I might not place +every foot every where, but differently in different metres; nor even in +any one metre the self-same foot in all places. Yet the art itself, by +which I indited, had not different principles for these different cases, +but comprised all in one. Still I saw not how that righteousness, which +good and holy men obeyed, did far more excellently and sublimely contain +in one all those things which God commanded, and in no part varied; +although in varying times it prescribed not every thing at once, but +apportioned and enjoined what was fit for each. And I in my blindness, +censured the holy Fathers, not only wherein they made use of things +present as God commanded and inspired them, but also wherein they were +foretelling things to come, as God was revealing in them. + +Can it at any time or place be unjust to love God with all his heart, +with all his soul, and with all his mind; and his neighbour as himself? +Therefore are those foul offences which be against nature, to be every +where and at all times detested and punished; such as were those of the +men of Sodom: which should all nations commit, they should all stand +guilty of the same crime, by the law of God, which hath not so made men +that they should so abuse one another. For even that intercourse which +should be between God and us is violated, when that same nature, of +which He is Author, is polluted by perversity of lust. But those +actions which are offences against the customs of men, are to be avoided +according to the customs severally prevailing; so that a thing agreed +upon, and confirmed, by custom or law of any city or nation, may not be +violated at the lawless pleasure of any, whether native or foreigner. +For any part which harmoniseth not with its whole, is offensive. But +when God commands a thing to be done, against the customs or compact of +any people, though it were never by them done heretofore, it is to be +done; and if intermitted, it is to be restored; and if never ordained, +is now to be ordained. For lawful if it be for a king, in the state +which he reigns over, to command that which no one before him, nor he +himself heretofore, had commanded, and to obey him cannot be against the +common weal of the state (nay, it were against it if he were not obeyed, +for to obey princes is a general compact of human society); how much +more unhesitatingly ought we to obey God, in all which He commands, the +Ruler of all His creatures! For as among the powers in man's society, +the greater authority is obeyed in preference to the lesser, so must God +above all. + +So in acts of violence, where there is a wish to hurt, whether by +reproach or injury; and these either for revenge, as one enemy against +another; or for some profit belonging to another, as the robber to +the traveller; or to avoid some evil, as towards one who is feared; or +through envy, as one less fortunate to one more so, or one well thriven +in any thing, to him whose being on a par with himself he fears, or +grieves at, or for the mere pleasure at another's pain, as spectators +of gladiators, or deriders and mockers of others. These be the heads +of iniquity which spring from the lust of the flesh, of the eye, or of +rule, either singly, or two combined, or all together; and so do men +live ill against the three, and seven, that psaltery of ten strings, +Thy Ten Commandments, O God, most high, and most sweet. But what foul +offences can there be against Thee, who canst not be defiled? or +what acts of violence against Thee, who canst not be harmed? But Thou +avengest what men commit against themselves, seeing also when they sin +against Thee, they do wickedly against their own souls, and iniquity +gives itself the lie, by corrupting and perverting their nature, which +Thou hast created and ordained, or by an immoderate use of things +allowed, or in burning in things unallowed, to that use which is against +nature; or are found guilty, raging with heart and tongue against Thee, +kicking against the pricks; or when, bursting the pale of human society, +they boldly joy in self-willed combinations or divisions, according as +they have any object to gain or subject of offence. And these things are +done when Thou art forsaken, O Fountain of Life, who art the only and +true Creator and Governor of the Universe, and by a self-willed pride, +any one false thing is selected therefrom and loved. So then by a +humble devoutness we return to Thee; and Thou cleansest us from our +evil habits, and art merciful to their sins who confess, and hearest the +groaning of the prisoner, and loosest us from the chains which we made +for ourselves, if we lift not up against Thee the horns of an unreal +liberty, suffering the loss of all, through covetousness of more, by +loving more our own private good than Thee, the Good of all. + +Amidst these offences of foulness and violence, and so many iniquities, +are sins of men, who are on the whole making proficiency; which by those +that judge rightly, are, after the rule of perfection, discommended, yet +the persons commended, upon hope of future fruit, as in the green blade +of growing corn. And there are some, resembling offences of foulness or +violence, which yet are no sins; because they offend neither Thee, our +Lord God, nor human society; when, namely, things fitting for a given +period are obtained for the service of life, and we know not whether out +of a lust of having; or when things are, for the sake of correction, by +constituted authority punished, and we know not whether out of a lust of +hurting. Many an action then which in men's sight is disapproved, is +by Thy testimony approved; and many, by men praised, are (Thou being +witness) condemned: because the show of the action, and the mind of the +doer, and the unknown exigency of the period, severally vary. But when +Thou on a sudden commandest an unwonted and unthought of thing, yea, +although Thou hast sometime forbidden it, and still for the time hidest +the reason of Thy command, and it be against the ordinance of some +society of men, who doubts but it is to be done, seeing that society +of men is just which serves Thee? But blessed are they who know Thy +commands! For all things were done by Thy servants; either to show forth +something needful for the present, or to foreshow things to come. + +These things I being ignorant of, scoffed at those Thy holy servants and +prophets. And what gained I by scoffing at them, but to be scoffed at by +Thee, being insensibly and step by step drawn on to those follies, as +to believe that a fig-tree wept when it was plucked, and the tree, its +mother, shed milky tears? Which fig notwithstanding (plucked by some +other's, not his own, guilt) had some Manichaean saint eaten, and +mingled with his bowels, he should breathe out of it angels, yea, there +shall burst forth particles of divinity, at every moan or groan in his +prayer, which particles of the most high and true God had remained bound +in that fig, unless they had been set at liberty by the teeth or belly +of some "Elect" saint! And I, miserable, believed that more mercy was +to be shown to the fruits of the earth than men, for whom they were +created. For if any one an hungered, not a Manichaean, should ask for +any, that morsel would seem as it were condemned to capital punishment, +which should be given him. + +And Thou sentest Thine hand from above, and drewest my soul out of that +profound darkness, my mother, Thy faithful one, weeping to Thee for me, +more than mothers weep the bodily deaths of their children. For she, +by that faith and spirit which she had from Thee, discerned the death +wherein I lay, and Thou heardest her, O Lord; Thou heardest her, and +despisedst not her tears, when streaming down, they watered the ground +under her eyes in every place where she prayed; yea Thou heardest her. +For whence was that dream whereby Thou comfortedst her; so that she +allowed me to live with her, and to eat at the same table in the +house, which she had begun to shrink from, abhorring and detesting +the blasphemies of my error? For she saw herself standing on a certain +wooden rule, and a shining youth coming towards her, cheerful and +smiling upon her, herself grieving, and overwhelmed with grief. But he +having (in order to instruct, as is their wont not to be instructed) +enquired of her the causes of her grief and daily tears, and she +answering that she was bewailing my perdition, he bade her rest +contented, and told her to look and observe, "That where she was, there +was I also." And when she looked, she saw me standing by her in the same +rule. Whence was this, but that Thine ears were towards her heart? O +Thou Good omnipotent, who so carest for every one of us, as if Thou +caredst for him only; and so for all, as if they were but one! + +Whence was this also, that when she had told me this vision, and I would +fain bend it to mean, "That she rather should not despair of being one +day what I was"; she presently, without any hesitation, replies: "No; +for it was not told me that, 'where he, there thou also'; but 'where +thou, there he also'?" I confess to Thee, O Lord, that to the best of my +remembrance (and I have oft spoken of this), that Thy answer, through +my waking mother,--that she was not perplexed by the plausibility of my +false interpretation, and so quickly saw what was to be seen, and which +I certainly had not perceived before she spake,--even then moved me more +than the dream itself, by which a joy to the holy woman, to be fulfilled +so long after, was, for the consolation of her present anguish, so long +before foresignified. For almost nine years passed, in which I wallowed +in the mire of that deep pit, and the darkness of falsehood, often +assaying to rise, but dashed down the more grievously. All which time +that chaste, godly, and sober widow (such as Thou lovest), now more +cheered with hope, yet no whit relaxing in her weeping and mourning, +ceased not at all hours of her devotions to bewail my case unto Thee. +And her prayers entered into Thy presence; and yet Thou sufferedst me to +be yet involved and reinvolved in that darkness. + +Thou gavest her meantime another answer, which I call to mind; for much +I pass by, hasting to those things which more press me to confess unto +Thee, and much I do not remember. Thou gavest her then another answer, +by a Priest of Thine, a certain Bishop brought up in Thy Church, +and well studied in Thy books. Whom when this woman had entreated to +vouchsafe to converse with me, refute my errors, unteach me ill things, +and teach me good things (for this he was wont to do, when he found +persons fitted to receive it), he refused, wisely, as I afterwards +perceived. For he answered, that I was yet unteachable, being puffed +up with the novelty of that heresy, and had already perplexed divers +unskilful persons with captious questions, as she had told him: "but +let him alone a while" (saith he), "only pray God for him, he will of +himself by reading find what that error is, and how great its impiety." +At the same time he told her, how himself, when a little one, had by his +seduced mother been consigned over to the Manichees, and had not +only read, but frequently copied out almost all, their books, and had +(without any argument or proof from any one) seen how much that sect was +to be avoided; and had avoided it. Which when he had said, and she would +not be satisfied, but urged him more, with entreaties and many tears, +that he would see me and discourse with me; he, a little displeased at +her importunity, saith, "Go thy ways and God bless thee, for it is not +possible that the son of these tears should perish." Which answer she +took (as she often mentioned in her conversations with me) as if it had +sounded from heaven. + + + + +BOOK IV + + +For this space of nine years (from my nineteenth year to my +eight-and-twentieth) we lived seduced and seducing, deceived and +deceiving, in divers lusts; openly, by sciences which they call liberal; +secretly, with a false-named religion; here proud, there superstitious, +every where vain. Here, hunting after the emptiness of popular praise, +down even to theatrical applauses, and poetic prizes, and strifes for +grassy garlands, and the follies of shows, and the intemperance of +desires. There, desiring to be cleansed from these defilements, by +carrying food to those who were called "elect" and "holy," out of which, +in the workhouse of their stomachs, they should forge for us Angels +and Gods, by whom we might be cleansed. These things did I follow, and +practise with my friends, deceived by me, and with me. Let the arrogant +mock me, and such as have not been, to their soul's health, stricken and +cast down by Thee, O my God; but I would still confess to Thee mine own +shame in Thy praise. Suffer me, I beseech Thee, and give me grace to go +over in my present remembrance the wanderings of my forepassed time, +and to offer unto Thee the sacrifice of thanksgiving. For what am I to +myself without Thee, but a guide to mine own downfall? or what am I even +at the best, but an infant sucking the milk Thou givest, and feeding +upon Thee, the food that perisheth not? But what sort of man is any man, +seeing he is but a man? Let now the strong and the mighty laugh at us, +but let us poor and needy confess unto Thee. + +In those years I taught rhetoric, and, overcome by cupidity, made sale +of a loquacity to overcome by. Yet I preferred (Lord, Thou knowest) +honest scholars (as they are accounted), and these I, without artifice, +taught artifices, not to be practised against the life of the guiltless, +though sometimes for the life of the guilty. And Thou, O God, from afar +perceivedst me stumbling in that slippery course, and amid much smoke +sending out some sparks of faithfulness, which I showed in that my +guidance of such as loved vanity, and sought after leasing, myself their +companion. In those years I had one,--not in that which is called +lawful marriage, but whom I had found out in a wayward passion, void of +understanding; yet but one, remaining faithful even to her; in whom I +in my own case experienced what difference there is betwixt the +self-restraint of the marriage-covenant, for the sake of issue, and +the bargain of a lustful love, where children are born against their +parents' will, although, once born, they constrain love. + +I remember also, that when I had settled to enter the lists for a +theatrical prize, some wizard asked me what I would give him to win; but +I, detesting and abhorring such foul mysteries, answered, "Though the +garland were of imperishable gold, I would not suffer a fly to be +killed to gain me it." For he was to kill some living creatures in his +sacrifices, and by those honours to invite the devils to favour me. But +this ill also I rejected, not out of a pure love for Thee, O God of my +heart; for I knew not how to love Thee, who knew not how to conceive +aught beyond a material brightness. And doth not a soul, sighing after +such fictions, commit fornication against Thee, trust in things unreal, +and feed the wind? Still I would not forsooth have sacrifices offered +to devils for me, to whom I was sacrificing myself by that superstition. +For what else is it to feed the wind, but to feed them, that is by going +astray to become their pleasure and derision? + +Those impostors then, whom they style Mathematicians, I consulted +without scruple; because they seemed to use no sacrifice, nor to pray to +any spirit for their divinations: which art, however, Christian and +true piety consistently rejects and condemns. For, it is a good thing to +confess unto Thee, and to say, Have mercy upon me, heal my soul, for I +have sinned against Thee; and not to abuse Thy mercy for a licence to +sin, but to remember the Lord's words, Behold, thou art made whole, sin +no more, lest a worse thing come unto thee. All which wholesome advice +they labour to destroy, saying, "The cause of thy sin is inevitably +determined in heaven"; and "This did Venus, or Saturn, or Mars": +that man, forsooth, flesh and blood, and proud corruption, might be +blameless; while the Creator and Ordainer of heaven and the stars is +to bear the blame. And who is He but our God? the very sweetness and +well-spring of righteousness, who renderest to every man according to +his works: and a broken and contrite heart wilt Thou not despise. + +There was in those days a wise man, very skilful in physic, and renowned +therein, who had with his own proconsular hand put the Agonistic garland +upon my distempered head, but not as a physician: for this disease Thou +only curest, who resistest the proud, and givest grace to the humble. +But didst Thou fail me even by that old man, or forbear to heal my soul? +For having become more acquainted with him, and hanging assiduously and +fixedly on his speech (for though in simple terms, it was vivid, lively, +and earnest), when he had gathered by my discourse that I was given to +the books of nativity-casters, he kindly and fatherly advised me to cast +them away, and not fruitlessly bestow a care and diligence, necessary +for useful things, upon these vanities; saying, that he had in his +earliest years studied that art, so as to make it the profession whereby +he should live, and that, understanding Hippocrates, he could soon have +understood such a study as this; and yet he had given it over, and taken +to physic, for no other reason but that he found it utterly false; +and he, a grave man, would not get his living by deluding people. "But +thou," saith he, "hast rhetoric to maintain thyself by, so that thou +followest this of free choice, not of necessity: the more then oughtest +thou to give me credit herein, who laboured to acquire it so perfectly +as to get my living by it alone." Of whom when I had demanded, how then +could many true things be foretold by it, he answered me (as he could) +"that the force of chance, diffused throughout the whole order of +things, brought this about. For if when a man by haphazard opens the +pages of some poet, who sang and thought of something wholly different, +a verse oftentimes fell out, wondrously agreeable to the present +business: it were not to be wondered at, if out of the soul of man, +unconscious what takes place in it, by some higher instinct an answer +should be given, by hap, not by art, corresponding to the business and +actions of the demander." + +And thus much, either from or through him, Thou conveyedst to me, and +tracedst in my memory, what I might hereafter examine for myself. But at +that time neither he, nor my dearest Nebridius, a youth singularly good +and of a holy fear, who derided the whole body of divination, could +persuade me to cast it aside, the authority of the authors swaying me +yet more, and as yet I had found no certain proof (such as I sought) +whereby it might without all doubt appear, that what had been truly +foretold by those consulted was the result of haphazard, not of the art +of the star-gazers. + +In those years when I first began to teach rhetoric in my native town, +I had made one my friend, but too dear to me, from a community of +pursuits, of mine own age, and, as myself, in the first opening flower +of youth. He had grown up of a child with me, and we had been both +school-fellows and play-fellows. But he was not yet my friend as +afterwards, nor even then, as true friendship is; for true it cannot be, +unless in such as Thou cementest together, cleaving unto Thee, by that +love which is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost, which is +given unto us. Yet was it but too sweet, ripened by the warmth of +kindred studies: for, from the true faith (which he as a youth had +not soundly and thoroughly imbibed), I had warped him also to those +superstitious and pernicious fables, for which my mother bewailed me. +With me he now erred in mind, nor could my soul be without him. But +behold Thou wert close on the steps of Thy fugitives, at once God of +vengeance, and Fountain of mercies, turning us to Thyself by wonderful +means; Thou tookest that man out of this life, when he had scarce filled +up one whole year of my friendship, sweet to me above all sweetness of +that my life. + +Who can recount all Thy praises, which he hath felt in his one self? +What diddest Thou then, my God, and how unsearchable is the abyss of +Thy judgments? For long, sore sick of a fever, he lay senseless in +a death-sweat; and his recovery being despaired of, he was baptised, +unknowing; myself meanwhile little regarding, and presuming that his +soul would retain rather what it had received of me, not what was +wrought on his unconscious body. But it proved far otherwise: for he was +refreshed, and restored. Forthwith, as soon as I could speak with him +(and I could, so soon as he was able, for I never left him, and we hung +but too much upon each other), I essayed to jest with him, as though he +would jest with me at that baptism which he had received, when utterly +absent in mind and feeling, but had now understood that he had received. +But he so shrunk from me, as from an enemy; and with a wonderful and +sudden freedom bade me, as I would continue his friend, forbear such +language to him. I, all astonished and amazed, suppressed all my +emotions till he should grow well, and his health were strong enough for +me to deal with him as I would. But he was taken away from my frenzy, +that with Thee he might be preserved for my comfort; a few days after in +my absence, he was attacked again by the fever, and so departed. + +At this grief my heart was utterly darkened; and whatever I beheld was +death. My native country was a torment to me, and my father's house a +strange unhappiness; and whatever I had shared with him, wanting him, +became a distracting torture. Mine eyes sought him every where, but he +was not granted them; and I hated all places, for that they had not him; +nor could they now tell me, "he is coming," as when he was alive and +absent. I became a great riddle to myself, and I asked my soul, why she +was so sad, and why she disquieted me sorely: but she knew not what to +answer me. And if I said, Trust in God, she very rightly obeyed me not; +because that most dear friend, whom she had lost, was, being man, both +truer and better than that phantasm she was bid to trust in. Only tears +were sweet to me, for they succeeded my friend, in the dearest of my +affections. + +And now, Lord, these things are passed by, and time hath assuaged my +wound. May I learn from Thee, who art Truth, and approach the ear of my +heart unto Thy mouth, that Thou mayest tell me why weeping is sweet to +the miserable? Hast Thou, although present every where, cast away our +misery far from Thee? And Thou abidest in Thyself, but we are tossed +about in divers trials. And yet unless we mourned in Thine ears, we +should have no hope left. Whence then is sweet fruit gathered from the +bitterness of life, from groaning, tears, sighs, and complaints? Doth +this sweeten it, that we hope Thou hearest? This is true of prayer, for +therein is a longing to approach unto Thee. But is it also in grief for +a thing lost, and the sorrow wherewith I was then overwhelmed? For I +neither hoped he should return to life nor did I desire this with my +tears; but I wept only and grieved. For I was miserable, and had lost my +joy. Or is weeping indeed a bitter thing, and for very loathing of the +things which we before enjoyed, does it then, when we shrink from them, +please us? + +But what speak I of these things? for now is no time to question, but to +confess unto Thee. Wretched I was; and wretched is every soul bound by +the friendship of perishable things; he is torn asunder when he loses +them, and then he feels the wretchedness which he had ere yet he lost +them. So was it then with me; I wept most bitterly, and found my repose +in bitterness. Thus was I wretched, and that wretched life I held dearer +than my friend. For though I would willingly have changed it, yet was I +more unwilling to part with it than with him; yea, I know not whether I +would have parted with it even for him, as is related (if not feigned) +of Pylades and Orestes, that they would gladly have died for each other +or together, not to live together being to them worse than death. But in +me there had arisen some unexplained feeling, too contrary to this, for +at once I loathed exceedingly to live and feared to die. I suppose, the +more I loved him, the more did I hate, and fear (as a most cruel enemy) +death, which had bereaved me of him: and I imagined it would speedily +make an end of all men, since it had power over him. Thus was it with +me, I remember. Behold my heart, O my God, behold and see into me; for +well I remember it, O my Hope, who cleansest me from the impurity of +such affections, directing mine eyes towards Thee, and plucking my feet +out of the snare. For I wondered that others, subject to death, did +live, since he whom I loved, as if he should never die, was dead; and I +wondered yet more that myself, who was to him a second self, could live, +he being dead. Well said one of his friend, "Thou half of my soul"; +for I felt that my soul and his soul were "one soul in two bodies": and +therefore was my life a horror to me, because I would not live halved. +And therefore perchance I feared to die, lest he whom I had much loved +should die wholly. + +O madness, which knowest not how to love men, like men! O foolish man +that I then was, enduring impatiently the lot of man! I fretted then, +sighed, wept, was distracted; had neither rest nor counsel. For I bore +about a shattered and bleeding soul, impatient of being borne by me, yet +where to repose it, I found not. Not in calm groves, not in games and +music, nor in fragrant spots, nor in curious banquetings, nor in the +pleasures of the bed and the couch; nor (finally) in books or poesy, +found it repose. All things looked ghastly, yea, the very light; +whatsoever was not what he was, was revolting and hateful, except +groaning and tears. For in those alone found I a little refreshment. But +when my soul was withdrawn from them a huge load of misery weighed +me down. To Thee, O Lord, it ought to have been raised, for Thee to +lighten; I knew it; but neither could nor would; the more, since, when I +thought of Thee, Thou wert not to me any solid or substantial thing. For +Thou wert not Thyself, but a mere phantom, and my error was my God. If +I offered to discharge my load thereon, that it might rest, it glided +through the void, and came rushing down again on me; and I had remained +to myself a hapless spot, where I could neither be, nor be from thence. +For whither should my heart flee from my heart? Whither should I +flee from myself? Whither not follow myself? And yet I fled out of my +country; for so should mine eyes less look for him, where they were not +wont to see him. And thus from Thagaste, I came to Carthage. + +Times lose no time; nor do they roll idly by; through our senses they +work strange operations on the mind. Behold, they went and came day by +day, and by coming and going, introduced into my mind other imaginations +and other remembrances; and little by little patched me up again with my +old kind of delights, unto which that my sorrow gave way. And yet there +succeeded, not indeed other griefs, yet the causes of other griefs. For +whence had that former grief so easily reached my very inmost soul, but +that I had poured out my soul upon the dust, in loving one that must +die, as if he would never die? For what restored and refreshed me +chiefly was the solaces of other friends, with whom I did love, what +instead of Thee I loved; and this was a great fable, and protracted lie, +by whose adulterous stimulus, our soul, which lay itching in our ears, +was being defiled. But that fable would not die to me, so oft as any of +my friends died. There were other things which in them did more take my +mind; to talk and jest together, to do kind offices by turns; to read +together honied books; to play the fool or be earnest together; to +dissent at times without discontent, as a man might with his own self; +and even with the seldomness of these dissentings, to season our more +frequent consentings; sometimes to teach, and sometimes learn; long for +the absent with impatience; and welcome the coming with joy. These and +the like expressions, proceeding out of the hearts of those that loved +and were loved again, by the countenance, the tongue, the eyes, and +a thousand pleasing gestures, were so much fuel to melt our souls +together, and out of many make but one. + +This is it that is loved in friends; and so loved, that a man's +conscience condemns itself, if he love not him that loves him again, or +love not again him that loves him, looking for nothing from his person +but indications of his love. Hence that mourning, if one die, and +darkenings of sorrows, that steeping of the heart in tears, all +sweetness turned to bitterness; and upon the loss of life of the dying, +the death of the living. Blessed whoso loveth Thee, and his friend in +Thee, and his enemy for Thee. For he alone loses none dear to him, to +whom all are dear in Him who cannot be lost. And who is this but our +God, the God that made heaven and earth, and filleth them, because by +filling them He created them? Thee none loseth, but who leaveth. And +who leaveth Thee, whither goeth or whither fleeth he, but from Thee +well-pleased, to Thee displeased? For where doth he not find Thy law in +his own punishment? And Thy law is truth, and truth Thou. + +Turn us, O God of Hosts, show us Thy countenance, and we shall be whole. +For whithersoever the soul of man turns itself, unless toward Thee, it +is riveted upon sorrows, yea though it is riveted on things beautiful. +And yet they, out of Thee, and out of the soul, were not, unless they +were from Thee. They rise, and set; and by rising, they begin as it were +to be; they grow, that they may be perfected; and perfected, they wax +old and wither; and all grow not old, but all wither. So then when they +rise and tend to be, the more quickly they grow that they may be, so +much the more they haste not to be. This is the law of them. Thus much +has Thou allotted them, because they are portions of things, which +exist not all at once, but by passing away and succeeding, they together +complete that universe, whereof they are portions. And even thus is our +speech completed by signs giving forth a sound: but this again is not +perfected unless one word pass away when it hath sounded its part, that +another may succeed. Out of all these things let my soul praise Thee, +O God, Creator of all; yet let not my soul be riveted unto these things +with the glue of love, through the senses of the body. For they go +whither they were to go, that they might not be; and they rend her with +pestilent longings, because she longs to be, yet loves to repose in what +she loves. But in these things is no place of repose; they abide not, +they flee; and who can follow them with the senses of the flesh? yea, +who can grasp them, when they are hard by? For the sense of the flesh is +slow, because it is the sense of the flesh; and thereby is it bounded. +It sufficeth for that it was made for; but it sufficeth not to stay +things running their course from their appointed starting-place to the +end appointed. For in Thy Word, by which they are created, they hear +their decree, "hence and hitherto." + +Be not foolish, O my soul, nor become deaf in the ear of thine heart +with the tumult of thy folly. Hearken thou too. The Word itself calleth +thee to return: and there is the place of rest imperturbable, where +love is not forsaken, if itself forsaketh not. Behold, these things +pass away, that others may replace them, and so this lower universe be +completed by all his parts. But do I depart any whither? saith the Word +of God. There fix thy dwelling, trust there whatsoever thou hast +thence, O my soul, at least now thou art tired out with vanities. +Entrust Truth, whatsoever thou hast from the Truth, and thou shalt lose +nothing; and thy decay shall bloom again, and all thy diseases be +healed, and thy mortal parts be reformed and renewed, and bound around +thee: nor shall they lay thee whither themselves descend; but they +shall stand fast with thee, and abide for ever before God, Who abideth +and standeth fast for ever. + +Why then be perverted and follow thy flesh? Be it converted and follow +thee. Whatever by her thou hast sense of, is in part; and the whole, +whereof these are parts, thou knowest not; and yet they delight thee. +But had the sense of thy flesh a capacity for comprehending the whole, +and not itself also, for thy punishment, been justly restricted to +a part of the whole, thou wouldest, that whatsoever existeth at this +present, should pass away, that so the whole might better please thee. +For what we speak also, by the same sense of the flesh thou hearest; yet +wouldest not thou have the syllables stay, but fly away, that others may +come, and thou hear the whole. And so ever, when any one thing is made +up of many, all of which do not exist together, all collectively would +please more than they do severally, could all be perceived collectively. +But far better than these is He who made all; and He is our God, nor +doth He pass away, for neither doth aught succeed Him. + +If bodies please thee, praise God on occasion of them, and turn back +thy love upon their Maker; lest in these things which please thee, thou +displease. If souls please thee, be they loved in God: for they too are +mutable, but in Him are they firmly stablished; else would they pass, +and pass away. In Him then be they beloved; and carry unto Him along +with thee what souls thou canst, and say to them, "Him let us love, Him +let us love: He made these, nor is He far off. For He did not make them, +and so depart, but they are of Him, and in Him. See there He is, where +truth is loved. He is within the very heart, yet hath the heart strayed +from Him. Go back into your heart, ye transgressors, and cleave fast to +Him that made you. Stand with Him, and ye shall stand fast. Rest in Him, +and ye shall be at rest. Whither go ye in rough ways? Whither go ye? +The good that you love is from Him; but it is good and pleasant through +reference to Him, and justly shall it be embittered, because unjustly is +any thing loved which is from Him, if He be forsaken for it. To what end +then would ye still and still walk these difficult and toilsome ways? +There is no rest, where ye seek it. Seek what ye seek; but it is not +there where ye seek. Ye seek a blessed life in the land of death; it is +not there. For how should there be a blessed life where life itself is +not? + +"But our true Life came down hither, and bore our death, and slew him, +out of the abundance of His own life: and He thundered, calling aloud to +us to return hence to Him into that secret place, whence He came forth +to us, first into the Virgin's womb, wherein He espoused the human +creation, our mortal flesh, that it might not be for ever mortal, and +thence like a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, rejoicing as a giant +to run his course. For He lingered not, but ran, calling aloud by words, +deeds, death, life, descent, ascension; crying aloud to us to return +unto Him. And He departed from our eyes, that we might return into our +heart, and there find Him. For He departed, and lo, He is here. He would +not be long with us, yet left us not; for He departed thither, whence +He never parted, because the world was made by Him. And in this world +He was, and into this world He came to save sinners, unto whom my soul +confesseth, and He healeth it, for it hath sinned against Him. O ye sons +of men, how long so slow of heart? Even now, after the descent of Life +to you, will ye not ascend and live? But whither ascend ye, when ye are +on high, and set your mouth against the heavens? Descend, that ye may +ascend, and ascend to God. For ye have fallen, by ascending against +Him." Tell them this, that they may weep in the valley of tears, and +so carry them up with thee unto God; because out of His spirit thou +speakest thus unto them, if thou speakest, burning with the fire of +charity. + +These things I then knew not, and I loved these lower beauties, and I +was sinking to the very depths, and to my friends I said, "Do we love +any thing but the beautiful? What then is the beautiful? and what is +beauty? What is it that attracts and wins us to the things we love? for +unless there were in them a grace and beauty, they could by no +means draw us unto them." And I marked and perceived that in bodies +themselves, there was a beauty, from their forming a sort of whole, and +again, another from apt and mutual correspondence, as of a part of +the body with its whole, or a shoe with a foot, and the like. And this +consideration sprang up in my mind, out of my inmost heart, and I wrote +"on the fair and fit," I think, two or three books. Thou knowest, O +Lord, for it is gone from me; for I have them not, but they are strayed +from me, I know not how. + +But what moved me, O Lord my God, to dedicate these books unto Hierius, +an orator of Rome, whom I knew not by face, but loved for the fame +of his learning which was eminent in him, and some words of his I had +heard, which pleased me? But more did he please me, for that he pleased +others, who highly extolled him, amazed that out of a Syrian, first +instructed in Greek eloquence, should afterwards be formed a wonderful +Latin orator, and one most learned in things pertaining unto philosophy. +One is commended, and, unseen, he is loved: doth this love enter the +heart of the hearer from the mouth of the commender? Not so. But by one +who loveth is another kindled. For hence he is loved who is commended, +when the commender is believed to extol him with an unfeigned heart; +that is, when one that loves him, praises him. + +For so did I then love men, upon the judgment of men, not Thine, O my +God, in Whom no man is deceived. But yet why not for qualities, like +those of a famous charioteer, or fighter with beasts in the theatre, +known far and wide by a vulgar popularity, but far otherwise, and +earnestly, and so as I would be myself commended? For I would not be +commended or loved, as actors are (though I myself did commend and love +them), but had rather be unknown, than so known; and even hated, than +so loved. Where now are the impulses to such various and divers kinds of +loves laid up in one soul? Why, since we are equally men, do I love +in another what, if I did not hate, I should not spurn and cast from +myself? For it holds not, that as a good horse is loved by him, who +would not, though he might, be that horse, therefore the same may be +said of an actor, who shares our nature. Do I then love in a man, what I +hate to be, who am a man? Man himself is a great deep, whose very hairs +Thou numberest, O Lord, and they fall not to the ground without Thee. +And yet are the hairs of his head easier to be numbered than his +feelings, and the beatings of his heart. + +But that orator was of that sort whom I loved, as wishing to be myself +such; and I erred through a swelling pride, and was tossed about with +every wind, but yet was steered by Thee, though very secretly. And +whence do I know, and whence do I confidently confess unto Thee, that +I had loved him more for the love of his commenders, than for the very +things for which he was commended? Because, had he been unpraised, and +these self-same men had dispraised him, and with dispraise and contempt +told the very same things of him, I had never been so kindled and +excited to love him. And yet the things had not been other, nor he +himself other; but only the feelings of the relators. See where the +impotent soul lies along, that is not yet stayed up by the solidity +of truth! Just as the gales of tongues blow from the breast of the +opinionative, so is it carried this way and that, driven forward and +backward, and the light is overclouded to it, and the truth unseen. And +lo, it is before us. And it was to me a great matter, that my discourse +and labours should be known to that man: which should he approve, I were +the more kindled; but if he disapproved, my empty heart, void of Thy +solidity, had been wounded. And yet the "fair and fit," whereon I wrote +to him, I dwelt on with pleasure, and surveyed it, and admired it, +though none joined therein. + +But I saw not yet, whereon this weighty matter turned in Thy wisdom, +O Thou Omnipotent, who only doest wonders; and my mind ranged through +corporeal forms; and "fair," I defined and distinguished what is so +in itself, and "fit," whose beauty is in correspondence to some other +thing: and this I supported by corporeal examples. And I turned to +the nature of the mind, but the false notion which I had of spiritual +things, let me not see the truth. Yet the force of truth did of itself +flash into mine eyes, and I turned away my panting soul from incorporeal +substance to lineaments, and colours, and bulky magnitudes. And not +being able to see these in the mind, I thought I could not see my mind. +And whereas in virtue I loved peace, and in viciousness I abhorred +discord; in the first I observed a unity, but in the other, a sort +of division. And in that unity I conceived the rational soul, and the +nature of truth and of the chief good to consist; but in this division +I miserably imagined there to be some unknown substance of irrational +life, and the nature of the chief evil, which should not only be a +substance, but real life also, and yet not derived from Thee, O my God, +of whom are all things. And yet that first I called a Monad, as it had +been a soul without sex; but the latter a Duad;--anger, in deeds of +violence, and in flagitiousness, lust; not knowing whereof I spake. For +I had not known or learned that neither was evil a substance, nor our +soul that chief and unchangeable good. + +For as deeds of violence arise, if that emotion of the soul be +corrupted, whence vehement action springs, stirring itself insolently +and unrulily; and lusts, when that affection of the soul is ungoverned, +whereby carnal pleasures are drunk in, so do errors and false opinions +defile the conversation, if the reasonable soul itself be corrupted; as +it was then in me, who knew not that it must be enlightened by another +light, that it may be partaker of truth, seeing itself is not that +nature of truth. For Thou shalt light my candle, O Lord my God, Thou +shalt enlighten my darkness: and of Thy fulness have we all received, +for Thou art the true light that lighteth every man that cometh into the +world; for in Thee there is no variableness, neither shadow of change. + +But I pressed towards Thee, and was thrust from Thee, that I might taste +of death: for thou resistest the proud. But what prouder, than for me +with a strange madness to maintain myself to be that by nature which +Thou art? For whereas I was subject to change (so much being manifest +to me, my very desire to become wise, being the wish, of worse to become +better), yet chose I rather to imagine Thee subject to change, and +myself not to be that which Thou art. Therefore I was repelled by Thee, +and Thou resistedst my vain stiffneckedness, and I imagined corporeal +forms, and, myself flesh, I accused flesh; and, a wind that passeth +away, I returned not to Thee, but I passed on and on to things which +have no being, neither in Thee, nor in me, nor in the body. Neither were +they created for me by Thy truth, but by my vanity devised out of +things corporeal. And I was wont to ask Thy faithful little ones, my +fellow-citizens (from whom, unknown to myself, I stood exiled), I was +wont, prating and foolishly, to ask them, "Why then doth the soul err +which God created?" But I would not be asked, "Why then doth God +err?" And I maintained that Thy unchangeable substance did err upon +constraint, rather than confess that my changeable substance had gone +astray voluntarily, and now, in punishment, lay in error. + +I was then some six or seven and twenty years old when I wrote those +volumes; revolving within me corporeal fictions, buzzing in the ears +of my heart, which I turned, O sweet truth, to thy inward melody, +meditating on the "fair and fit," and longing to stand and hearken to +Thee, and to rejoice greatly at the Bridegroom's voice, but could not; +for by the voices of mine own errors, I was hurried abroad, and through +the weight of my own pride, I was sinking into the lowest pit. For Thou +didst not make me to hear joy and gladness, nor did the bones exult +which were not yet humbled. + +And what did it profit me, that scarce twenty years old, a book of +Aristotle, which they call the ten Predicaments, falling into my hands +(on whose very name I hung, as on something great and divine, so often +as my rhetoric master of Carthage, and others, accounted learned, +mouthed it with cheeks bursting with pride), I read and understood it +unaided? And on my conferring with others, who said that they scarcely +understood it with very able tutors, not only orally explaining it, but +drawing many things in sand, they could tell me no more of it than I had +learned, reading it by myself. And the book appeared to me to speak very +clearly of substances, such as "man," and of their qualities, as the +figure of a man, of what sort it is; and stature, how many feet high; +and his relationship, whose brother he is; or where placed; or when +born; or whether he stands or sits; or be shod or armed; or does, or +suffers anything; and all the innumerable things which might be ranged +under these nine Predicaments, of which I have given some specimens, or +under that chief Predicament of Substance. + +What did all this further me, seeing it even hindered me? when, +imagining whatever was, was comprehended under those ten Predicaments, +I essayed in such wise to understand, O my God, Thy wonderful and +unchangeable Unity also, as if Thou also hadst been subjected to Thine +own greatness or beauty; so that (as in bodies) they should exist in +Thee, as their subject: whereas Thou Thyself art Thy greatness and +beauty; but a body is not great or fair in that it is a body, seeing +that, though it were less great or fair, it should notwithstanding be +a body. But it was falsehood which of Thee I conceived, not truth, +fictions of my misery, not the realities of Thy blessedness. For Thou +hadst commanded, and it was done in me, that the earth should bring +forth briars and thorns to me, and that in the sweat of my brows I +should eat my bread. + +And what did it profit me, that all the books I could procure of the +so-called liberal arts, I, the vile slave of vile affections, read by +myself, and understood? And I delighted in them, but knew not whence +came all, that therein was true or certain. For I had my back to the +light, and my face to the things enlightened; whence my face, with which +I discerned the things enlightened, itself was not enlightened. +Whatever was written, either on rhetoric, or logic, geometry, music, +and arithmetic, by myself without much difficulty or any instructor, +I understood, Thou knowest, O Lord my God; because both quickness of +understanding, and acuteness in discerning, is Thy gift: yet did I not +thence sacrifice to Thee. So then it served not to my use, but rather +to my perdition, since I went about to get so good a portion of my +substance into my own keeping; and I kept not my strength for Thee, but +wandered from Thee into a far country, to spend it upon harlotries. For +what profited me good abilities, not employed to good uses? For I felt +not that those arts were attained with great difficulty, even by the +studious and talented, until I attempted to explain them to such; when +he most excelled in them who followed me not altogether slowly. + +But what did this further me, imagining that Thou, O Lord God, the +Truth, wert a vast and bright body, and I a fragment of that body? +Perverseness too great! But such was I. Nor do I blush, O my God, to +confess to Thee Thy mercies towards me, and to call upon Thee, who +blushed not then to profess to men my blasphemies, and to bark against +Thee. What profited me then my nimble wit in those sciences and all +those most knotty volumes, unravelled by me, without aid from human +instruction; seeing I erred so foully, and with such sacrilegious +shamefulness, in the doctrine of piety? Or what hindrance was a far +slower wit to Thy little ones, since they departed not far from Thee, +that in the nest of Thy Church they might securely be fledged, and +nourish the wings of charity, by the food of a sound faith. O Lord our +God, under the shadow of Thy wings let us hope; protect us, and carry +us. Thou wilt carry us both when little, and even to hoar hairs wilt +Thou carry us; for our firmness, when it is Thou, then is it firmness; +but when our own, it is infirmity. Our good ever lives with Thee; +from which when we turn away, we are turned aside. Let us now, O Lord, +return, that we may not be overturned, because with Thee our good lives +without any decay, which good art Thou; nor need we fear, lest there +be no place whither to return, because we fell from it: for through our +absence, our mansion fell not--Thy eternity. + + + + +BOOK V + + +Accept the sacrifice of my confessions from the ministry of my tongue, +which Thou hast formed and stirred up to confess unto Thy name. Heal +Thou all my bones, and let them say, O Lord, who is like unto Thee? For +he who confesses to Thee doth not teach Thee what takes place within +him; seeing a closed heart closes not out Thy eye, nor can man's +hard-heartedness thrust back Thy hand: for Thou dissolvest it at Thy +will in pity or in vengeance, and nothing can hide itself from Thy heat. +But let my soul praise Thee, that it may love Thee; and let it confess +Thy own mercies to Thee, that it may praise Thee. Thy whole creation +ceaseth not, nor is silent in Thy praises; neither the spirit of man +with voice directed unto Thee, nor creation animate or inanimate, by the +voice of those who meditate thereon: that so our souls may from their +weariness arise towards Thee, leaning on those things which Thou hast +created, and passing on to Thyself, who madest them wonderfully; and +there is refreshment and true strength. + +Let the restless, the godless, depart and flee from Thee; yet Thou seest +them, and dividest the darkness. And behold, the universe with them is +fair, though they are foul. And how have they injured Thee? or how have +they disgraced Thy government, which, from the heaven to this lowest +earth, is just and perfect? For whither fled they, when they fled from +Thy presence? or where dost not Thou find them? But they fled, that they +might not see Thee seeing them, and, blinded, might stumble against Thee +(because Thou forsakest nothing Thou hast made); that the unjust, I say, +might stumble upon Thee, and justly be hurt; withdrawing themselves from +thy gentleness, and stumbling at Thy uprightness, and falling upon their +own ruggedness. Ignorant, in truth, that Thou art every where, Whom no +place encompasseth! and Thou alone art near, even to those that remove +far from Thee. Let them then be turned, and seek Thee; because not as +they have forsaken their Creator, hast Thou forsaken Thy creation. Let +them be turned and seek Thee; and behold, Thou art there in their heart, +in the heart of those that confess to Thee, and cast themselves upon +Thee, and weep in Thy bosom, after all their rugged ways. Then dost +Thou gently wipe away their tears, and they weep the more, and joy +in weeping; even for that Thou, Lord,--not man of flesh and blood, +but--Thou, Lord, who madest them, re-makest and comfortest them. But +where was I, when I was seeking Thee? And Thou wert before me, but I had +gone away from Thee; nor did I find myself, how much less Thee! + +I would lay open before my God that nine-and-twentieth year of mine +age. There had then come to Carthage a certain Bishop of the Manichees, +Faustus by name, a great snare of the Devil, and many were entangled +by him through that lure of his smooth language: which though I did +commend, yet could I separate from the truth of the things which I was +earnest to learn: nor did I so much regard the service of oratory as the +science which this Faustus, so praised among them, set before me to +feed upon. Fame had before bespoken him most knowing in all valuable +learning, and exquisitely skilled in the liberal sciences. And since I +had read and well remembered much of the philosophers, I compared some +things of theirs with those long fables of the Manichees, and found the +former the more probable; even although they could only prevail so far +as to make judgment of this lower world, the Lord of it they could by +no means find out. For Thou art great, O Lord, and hast respect unto the +humble, but the proud Thou beholdest afar off. Nor dost Thou draw near, +but to the contrite in heart, nor art found by the proud, no, not though +by curious skill they could number the stars and the sand, and measure +the starry heavens, and track the courses of the planets. + +For with their understanding and wit, which Thou bestowedst on them, +they search out these things; and much have they found out; and +foretold, many years before, eclipses of those luminaries, the sun +and moon,--what day and hour, and how many digits,--nor did their +calculation fail; and it came to pass as they foretold; and they wrote +down the rules they had found out, and these are read at this day, and +out of them do others foretell in what year and month of the year, and +what day of the month, and what hour of the day, and what part of its +light, moon or sun is to be eclipsed, and so it shall be, as it is +foreshowed. At these things men, that know not this art, marvel and are +astonished, and they that know it, exult, and are puffed up; and by +an ungodly pride departing from Thee, and failing of Thy light, they +foresee a failure of the sun's light, which shall be, so long before, +but see not their own, which is. For they search not religiously whence +they have the wit, wherewith they search out this. And finding that Thou +madest them, they give not themselves up to Thee, to preserve what Thou +madest, nor sacrifice to Thee what they have made themselves; nor slay +their own soaring imaginations, as fowls of the air, nor their own +diving curiosities (wherewith, like the fishes of the sea, they wander +over the unknown paths of the abyss), nor their own luxuriousness, as +beasts of the field, that Thou, Lord, a consuming fire, mayest burn up +those dead cares of theirs, and re-create themselves immortally. + +But they knew not the way, Thy Word, by Whom Thou madest these things +which they number, and themselves who number, and the sense whereby +they perceive what they number, and the understanding, out of which they +number; or that of Thy wisdom there is no number. But the Only Begotten +is Himself made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, +and was numbered among us, and paid tribute unto Caesar. They knew not +this way whereby to descend to Him from themselves, and by Him ascend +unto Him. They knew not this way, and deemed themselves exalted amongst +the stars and shining; and behold, they fell upon the earth, and their +foolish heart was darkened. They discourse many things truly concerning +the creature; but Truth, Artificer of the creature, they seek not +piously, and therefore find Him not; or if they find Him, knowing Him +to be God, they glorify Him not as God, neither are thankful, but +become vain in their imaginations, and profess themselves to be wise, +attributing to themselves what is Thine; and thereby with most perverse +blindness, study to impute to Thee what is their own, forging lies of +Thee who art the Truth, and changing the glory of uncorruptible God +into an image made like corruptible man, and to birds, and four-footed +beasts, and creeping things, changing Thy truth into a lie, and +worshipping and serving the creature more than the Creator. + +Yet many truths concerning the creature retained I from these men, and +saw the reason thereof from calculations, the succession of times, and +the visible testimonies of the stars; and compared them with the saying +of Manichaeus, which in his frenzy he had written most largely on these +subjects; but discovered not any account of the solstices, or equinoxes, +or the eclipses of the greater lights, nor whatever of this sort I +had learned in the books of secular philosophy. But I was commanded to +believe; and yet it corresponded not with what had been established by +calculations and my own sight, but was quite contrary. + +Doth then, O Lord God of truth, whoso knoweth these things, therefore +please Thee? Surely unhappy is he who knoweth all these, and knoweth not +Thee: but happy whoso knoweth Thee, though he know not these. And whoso +knoweth both Thee and them is not the happier for them, but for Thee +only, if, knowing Thee, he glorifies Thee as God, and is thankful, and +becomes not vain in his imaginations. For as he is better off who knows +how to possess a tree, and return thanks to Thee for the use thereof, +although he know not how many cubits high it is, or how wide it spreads, +than he that can measure it, and count all its boughs, and neither owns +it, nor knows or loves its Creator: so a believer, whose all this world +of wealth is, and who having nothing, yet possesseth all things, by +cleaving unto Thee, whom all things serve, though he know not even +the circles of the Great Bear, yet is it folly to doubt but he is in a +better state than one who can measure the heavens, and number the stars, +and poise the elements, yet neglecteth Thee who hast made all things in +number, weight, and measure. + +But yet who bade that Manichaeus write on these things also, skill in +which was no element of piety? For Thou hast said to man, Behold +piety and wisdom; of which he might be ignorant, though he had perfect +knowledge of these things; but these things, since, knowing not, he most +impudently dared to teach, he plainly could have no knowledge of piety. +For it is vanity to make profession of these worldly things even when +known; but confession to Thee is piety. Wherefore this wanderer to this +end spake much of these things, that convicted by those who had truly +learned them, it might be manifest what understanding he had in the +other abstruser things. For he would not have himself meanly thought of, +but went about to persuade men, "That the Holy Ghost, the Comforter and +Enricher of Thy faithful ones, was with plenary authority personally +within him." When then he was found out to have taught falsely of the +heaven and stars, and of the motions of the sun and moon (although these +things pertain not to the doctrine of religion), yet his sacrilegious +presumption would become evident enough, seeing he delivered things +which not only he knew not, but which were falsified, with so mad a +vanity of pride, that he sought to ascribe them to himself, as to a +divine person. + +For when I hear any Christian brother ignorant of these things, and +mistaken on them, I can patiently behold such a man holding his opinion; +nor do I see that any ignorance as to the position or character of the +corporeal creation can injure him, so long as he doth not believe any +thing unworthy of Thee, O Lord, the Creator of all. But it doth injure +him, if he imagine it to pertain to the form of the doctrine of piety, +and will yet affirm that too stiffly whereof he is ignorant. And yet +is even such an infirmity, in the infancy of faith, borne by our mother +Charity, till the new-born may grow up unto a perfect man, so as not +to be carried about with every wind of doctrine. But in him who in such +wise presumed to be the teacher, source, guide, chief of all whom he +could so persuade, that whoso followed him thought that he followed, +not a mere man, but Thy Holy Spirit; who would not judge that so great +madness, when once convicted of having taught any thing false, were +to be detested and utterly rejected? But I had not as yet clearly +ascertained whether the vicissitudes of longer and shorter days and +nights, and of day and night itself, with the eclipses of the greater +lights, and whatever else of the kind I had read of in other books, +might be explained consistently with his sayings; so that, if they by +any means might, it should still remain a question to me whether it +were so or no; but I might, on account of his reputed sanctity, rest my +credence upon his authority. + +And for almost all those nine years, wherein with unsettled mind I had +been their disciple, I had longed but too intensely for the coming of +this Faustus. For the rest of the sect, whom by chance I had lighted +upon, when unable to solve my objections about these things, still held +out to me the coming of this Faustus, by conference with whom these +and greater difficulties, if I had them, were to be most readily and +abundantly cleared. When then he came, I found him a man of pleasing +discourse, and who could speak fluently and in better terms, yet still +but the self-same things which they were wont to say. But what availed +the utmost neatness of the cup-bearer to my thirst for a more precious +draught? Mine ears were already cloyed with the like, nor did they seem +to me therefore better, because better said; nor therefore true, because +eloquent; nor the soul therefore wise, because the face was comely, +and the language graceful. But they who held him out to me were no good +judges of things; and therefore to them he appeared understanding and +wise, because in words pleasing. I felt however that another sort of +people were suspicious even of truth, and refused to assent to it, if +delivered in a smooth and copious discourse. But Thou, O my God, hadst +already taught me by wonderful and secret ways, and therefore I believe +that Thou taughtest me, because it is truth, nor is there besides Thee +any teacher of truth, where or whencesoever it may shine upon us. Of +Thyself therefore had I now learned, that neither ought any thing to +seem to be spoken truly, because eloquently; nor therefore falsely, +because the utterance of the lips is inharmonious; nor, again, therefore +true, because rudely delivered; nor therefore false, because the +language is rich; but that wisdom and folly are as wholesome and +unwholesome food; and adorned or unadorned phrases as courtly or country +vessels; either kind of meats may be served up in either kind of dishes. + +That greediness then, wherewith I had of so long time expected that man, +was delighted verily with his action and feeling when disputing, and his +choice and readiness of words to clothe his ideas. I was then delighted, +and, with many others and more than they, did I praise and extol him. +It troubled me, however, that in the assembly of his auditors, I was not +allowed to put in and communicate those questions that troubled me, +in familiar converse with him. Which when I might, and with my friends +began to engage his ears at such times as it was not unbecoming for him +to discuss with me, and had brought forward such things as moved me; I +found him first utterly ignorant of liberal sciences, save grammar, and +that but in an ordinary way. But because he had read some of Tully's +Orations, a very few books of Seneca, some things of the poets, and such +few volumes of his own sect as were written in Latin and neatly, and +was daily practised in speaking, he acquired a certain eloquence, which +proved the more pleasing and seductive because under the guidance of a +good wit, and with a kind of natural gracefulness. Is it not thus, as I +recall it, O Lord my God, Thou judge of my conscience? before Thee is +my heart, and my remembrance, Who didst at that time direct me by the +hidden mystery of Thy providence, and didst set those shameful errors of +mine before my face, that I might see and hate them. + +For after it was clear that he was ignorant of those arts in which I +thought he excelled, I began to despair of his opening and solving the +difficulties which perplexed me (of which indeed however ignorant, he +might have held the truths of piety, had he not been a Manichee). For +their books are fraught with prolix fables, of the heaven, and stars, +sun, and moon, and I now no longer thought him able satisfactorily to +decide what I much desired, whether, on comparison of these things with +the calculations I had elsewhere read, the account given in the books of +Manichaeus were preferable, or at least as good. Which when I proposed +to be considered and discussed, he, so far modestly, shrunk from the +burthen. For he knew that he knew not these things, and was not ashamed +to confess it. For he was not one of those talking persons, many of whom +I had endured, who undertook to teach me these things, and said nothing. +But this man had a heart, though not right towards Thee, yet neither +altogether treacherous to himself. For he was not altogether ignorant of +his own ignorance, nor would he rashly be entangled in a dispute, whence +he could neither retreat nor extricate himself fairly. Even for this I +liked him the better. For fairer is the modesty of a candid mind, than +the knowledge of those things which I desired; and such I found him, in +all the more difficult and subtile questions. + +My zeal for the writings of Manichaeus being thus blunted, and +despairing yet more of their other teachers, seeing that in divers +things which perplexed me, he, so renowned among them, had so turned +out; I began to engage with him in the study of that literature, on +which he also was much set (and which as rhetoric-reader I was at that +time teaching young students at Carthage), and to read with him, either +what himself desired to hear, or such as I judged fit for his genius. +But all my efforts whereby I had purposed to advance in that sect, +upon knowledge of that man, came utterly to an end; not that I detached +myself from them altogether, but as one finding nothing better, I had +settled to be content meanwhile with what I had in whatever way fallen +upon, unless by chance something more eligible should dawn upon me. +Thus, that Faustus, to so many a snare of death, had now neither willing +nor witting it, begun to loosen that wherein I was taken. For Thy hands, +O my God, in the secret purpose of Thy providence, did not forsake my +soul; and out of my mother's heart's blood, through her tears night and +day poured out, was a sacrifice offered for me unto Thee; and Thou didst +deal with me by wondrous ways. Thou didst it, O my God: for the steps +of a man are ordered by the Lord, and He shall dispose his way. Or how +shall we obtain salvation, but from Thy hand, re-making what it made? + +Thou didst deal with me, that I should be persuaded to go to Rome, and +to teach there rather, what I was teaching at Carthage. And how I was +persuaded to this, I will not neglect to confess to Thee; because herein +also the deepest recesses of Thy wisdom, and Thy most present mercy to +us, must be considered and confessed. I did not wish therefore to go to +Rome, because higher gains and higher dignities were warranted me by my +friends who persuaded me to this (though even these things had at that +time an influence over my mind), but my chief and almost only reason +was, that I heard that young men studied there more peacefully, and were +kept quiet under a restraint of more regular discipline; so that they +did not, at their pleasures, petulantly rush into the school of +one whose pupils they were not, nor were even admitted without his +permission. Whereas at Carthage there reigns among the scholars a most +disgraceful and unruly licence. They burst in audaciously, and +with gestures almost frantic, disturb all order which any one hath +established for the good of his scholars. Divers outrages they commit, +with a wonderful stolidity, punishable by law, did not custom uphold +them; that custom evincing them to be the more miserable, in that they +now do as lawful what by Thy eternal law shall never be lawful; and they +think they do it unpunished, whereas they are punished with the very +blindness whereby they do it, and suffer incomparably worse than what +they do. The manners then which, when a student, I would not make my +own, I was fain as a teacher to endure in others: and so I was well +pleased to go where, all that knew it, assured me that the like was not +done. But Thou, my refuge and my portion in the land of the living; +that I might change my earthly dwelling for the salvation of my soul, +at Carthage didst goad me, that I might thereby be torn from it; and at +Rome didst proffer me allurements, whereby I might be drawn thither, +by men in love with a dying life, the one doing frantic, the other +promising vain, things; and, to correct my steps, didst secretly use +their and my own perverseness. For both they who disturbed my quiet were +blinded with a disgraceful frenzy, and they who invited me elsewhere +savoured of earth. And I, who here detested real misery, was there +seeking unreal happiness. + +But why I went hence, and went thither, Thou knewest, O God, yet +showedst it neither to me, nor to my mother, who grievously bewailed my +journey, and followed me as far as the sea. But I deceived her, holding +me by force, that either she might keep me back or go with me, and I +feigned that I had a friend whom I could not leave, till he had a fair +wind to sail. And I lied to my mother, and such a mother, and escaped: +for this also hast Thou mercifully forgiven me, preserving me, thus full +of execrable defilements, from the waters of the sea, for the water of +Thy Grace; whereby when I was cleansed, the streams of my mother's eyes +should be dried, with which for me she daily watered the ground under +her face. And yet refusing to return without me, I scarcely persuaded +her to stay that night in a place hard by our ship, where was an Oratory +in memory of the blessed Cyprian. That night I privily departed, but she +was not behind in weeping and prayer. And what, O Lord, was she with so +many tears asking of Thee, but that Thou wouldest not suffer me to sail? +But Thou, in the depth of Thy counsels and hearing the main point of her +desire, regardest not what she then asked, that Thou mightest make me +what she ever asked. The wind blew and swelled our sails, and withdrew +the shore from our sight; and she on the morrow was there, frantic with +sorrow, and with complaints and groans filled Thine ears, Who didst then +disregard them; whilst through my desires, Thou wert hurrying me to end +all desire, and the earthly part of her affection to me was chastened +by the allotted scourge of sorrows. For she loved my being with her, as +mothers do, but much more than many; and she knew not how great joy Thou +wert about to work for her out of my absence. She knew not; therefore +did she weep and wail, and by this agony there appeared in her the +inheritance of Eve, with sorrow seeking what in sorrow she had brought +forth. And yet, after accusing my treachery and hardheartedness, she +betook herself again to intercede to Thee for me, went to her wonted +place, and I to Rome. + +And lo, there was I received by the scourge of bodily sickness, and I +was going down to hell, carrying all the sins which I had committed, +both against Thee, and myself, and others, many and grievous, over and +above that bond of original sin, whereby we all die in Adam. For +Thou hadst not forgiven me any of these things in Christ, nor had He +abolished by His Cross the enmity which by my sins I had incurred with +Thee. For how should He, by the crucifixion of a phantasm, which I +believed Him to be? So true, then, was the death of my soul, as that +of His flesh seemed to me false; and how true the death of His body, +so false was the life of my soul, which did not believe it. And now the +fever heightening, I was parting and departing for ever. For had I then +parted hence, whither had I departed, but into fire and torments, such +as my misdeeds deserved in the truth of Thy appointment? And this she +knew not, yet in absence prayed for me. But Thou, everywhere present, +heardest her where she was, and, where I was, hadst compassion upon me; +that I should recover the health of my body, though frenzied as yet +in my sacrilegious heart. For I did not in all that danger desire Thy +baptism; and I was better as a boy, when I begged it of my mother's +piety, as I have before recited and confessed. But I had grown up to my +own shame, and I madly scoffed at the prescripts of Thy medicine, who +wouldest not suffer me, being such, to die a double death. With which +wound had my mother's heart been pierced, it could never be healed. For +I cannot express the affection she bore to me, and with how much more +vehement anguish she was now in labour of me in the spirit, than at her +childbearing in the flesh. + +I see not then how she should have been healed, had such a death of mine +stricken through the bowels of her love. And where would have been those +her so strong and unceasing prayers, unintermitting to Thee alone? But +wouldest Thou, God of mercies, despise the contrite and humbled heart of +that chaste and sober widow, so frequent in almsdeeds, so full of duty +and service to Thy saints, no day intermitting the oblation at Thine +altar, twice a day, morning and evening, without any intermission, +coming to Thy church, not for idle tattlings and old wives' fables; but +that she might hear Thee in Thy discourses, and Thou her in her prayers. +Couldest Thou despise and reject from Thy aid the tears of such an one, +wherewith she begged of Thee not gold or silver, nor any mutable or +passing good, but the salvation of her son's soul? Thou, by whose gift +she was such? Never, Lord. Yea, Thou wert at hand, and wert hearing and +doing, in that order wherein Thou hadst determined before that it should +be done. Far be it that Thou shouldest deceive her in Thy visions and +answers, some whereof I have, some I have not mentioned, which she laid +up in her faithful heart, and ever praying, urged upon Thee, as +Thine own handwriting. For Thou, because Thy mercy endureth for ever, +vouchsafest to those to whom Thou forgivest all of their debts, to +become also a debtor by Thy promises. + +Thou recoveredst me then of that sickness, and healedst the son of Thy +handmaid, for the time in body, that he might live, for Thee to bestow +upon him a better and more abiding health. And even then, at Rome, I +joined myself to those deceiving and deceived "holy ones"; not with +their disciples only (of which number was he, in whose house I had +fallen sick and recovered); but also with those whom they call "The +Elect." For I still thought "that it was not we that sin, but that I +know not what other nature sinned in us"; and it delighted my pride, to +be free from blame; and when I had done any evil, not to confess I had +done any, that Thou mightest heal my soul because it had sinned against +Thee: but I loved to excuse it, and to accuse I know not what other +thing, which was with me, but which I was not. But in truth it was +wholly I, and mine impiety had divided me against myself: and that sin +was the more incurable, whereby I did not judge myself a sinner; and +execrable iniquity it was, that I had rather have Thee, Thee, O God +Almighty, to be overcome in me to my destruction, than myself of Thee to +salvation. Not as yet then hadst Thou set a watch before my mouth, and a +door of safe keeping around my lips, that my heart might not turn +aside to wicked speeches, to make excuses of sins, with men that work +iniquity; and, therefore, was I still united with their Elect. + +But now despairing to make proficiency in that false doctrine, even +those things (with which if I should find no better, I had resolved to +rest contented) I now held more laxly and carelessly. For there half +arose a thought in me that those philosophers, whom they call Academics, +were wiser than the rest, for that they held men ought to doubt +everything, and laid down that no truth can be comprehended by man: +for so, not then understanding even their meaning, I also was clearly +convinced that they thought, as they are commonly reported. Yet did I +freely and openly discourage that host of mine from that over-confidence +which I perceived him to have in those fables, which the books of +Manichaeus are full of. Yet I lived in more familiar friendship with +them, than with others who were not of this heresy. Nor did I maintain +it with my ancient eagerness; still my intimacy with that sect (Rome +secretly harbouring many of them) made me slower to seek any other way: +especially since I despaired of finding the truth, from which they had +turned me aside, in Thy Church, O Lord of heaven and earth, Creator of +all things visible and invisible: and it seemed to me very unseemly to +believe Thee to have the shape of human flesh, and to be bounded by the +bodily lineaments of our members. And because, when I wished to think on +my God, I knew not what to think of, but a mass of bodies (for what was +not such did not seem to me to be anything), this was the greatest, and +almost only cause of my inevitable error. + +For hence I believed Evil also to be some such kind of substance, and +to have its own foul and hideous bulk; whether gross, which they called +earth, or thin and subtile (like the body of the air), which they +imagine to be some malignant mind, creeping through that earth. And +because a piety, such as it was, constrained me to believe that the good +God never created any evil nature, I conceived two masses, contrary +to one another, both unbounded, but the evil narrower, the good more +expansive. And from this pestilent beginning, the other sacrilegious +conceits followed on me. For when my mind endeavoured to recur to the +Catholic faith, I was driven back, since that was not the Catholic faith +which I thought to be so. And I seemed to myself more reverential, if I +believed of Thee, my God (to whom Thy mercies confess out of my mouth), +as unbounded, at least on other sides, although on that one where the +mass of evil was opposed to Thee, I was constrained to confess Thee +bounded; than if on all sides I should imagine Thee to be bounded by the +form of a human body. And it seemed to me better to believe Thee to have +created no evil (which to me ignorant seemed not some only, but a bodily +substance, because I could not conceive of mind unless as a subtile +body, and that diffused in definite spaces), than to believe the nature +of evil, such as I conceived it, could come from Thee. Yea, and our +Saviour Himself, Thy Only Begotten, I believed to have been reached +forth (as it were) for our salvation, out of the mass of Thy most lucid +substance, so as to believe nothing of Him, but what I could imagine in +my vanity. His Nature then, being such, I thought could not be born +of the Virgin Mary, without being mingled with the flesh: and how that +which I had so figured to myself could be mingled, and not defiled, I +saw not. I feared therefore to believe Him born in the flesh, lest +I should be forced to believe Him defiled by the flesh. Now will Thy +spiritual ones mildly and lovingly smile upon me, if they shall read +these my confessions. Yet such was I. + +Furthermore, what the Manichees had criticised in Thy Scriptures, I +thought could not be defended; yet at times verily I had a wish to +confer upon these several points with some one very well skilled in +those books, and to make trial what he thought thereon; for the words +of one Helpidius, as he spoke and disputed face to face against the +said Manichees, had begun to stir me even at Carthage: in that he +had produced things out of the Scriptures, not easily withstood, the +Manichees' answer whereto seemed to me weak. And this answer they +liked not to give publicly, but only to us in private. It was, that the +Scriptures of the New Testament had been corrupted by I know not whom, +who wished to engraff the law of the Jews upon the Christian faith: yet +themselves produced not any uncorrupted copies. But I, conceiving of +things corporeal only, was mainly held down, vehemently oppressed and +in a manner suffocated by those "masses"; panting under which after the +breath of Thy truth, I could not breathe it pure and untainted. + +I began then diligently to practise that for which I came to Rome, to +teach rhetoric; and first, to gather some to my house, to whom, and +through whom, I had begun to be known; when lo, I found other offences +committed in Rome, to which I was not exposed in Africa. True, those +"subvertings" by profligate young men were not here practised, as was +told me: but on a sudden, said they, to avoid paying their +master's stipend, a number of youths plot together, and remove to +another;--breakers of faith, who for love of money hold justice cheap. +These also my heart hated, though not with a perfect hatred: for +perchance I hated them more because I was to suffer by them, than +because they did things utterly unlawful. Of a truth such are base +persons, and they go a whoring from Thee, loving these fleeting +mockeries of things temporal, and filthy lucre, which fouls the hand +that grasps it; hugging the fleeting world, and despising Thee, Who +abidest, and recallest, and forgivest the adulteress soul of man, when +she returns to Thee. And now I hate such depraved and crooked persons, +though I love them if corrigible, so as to prefer to money the learning +which they acquire, and to learning, Thee, O God, the truth and fulness +of assured good, and most pure peace. But then I rather for my own sake +misliked them evil, than liked and wished them good for Thine. + +When therefore they of Milan had sent to Rome to the prefect of the +city, to furnish them with a rhetoric reader for their city, and sent +him at the public expense, I made application (through those very +persons, intoxicated with Manichaean vanities, to be freed wherefrom +I was to go, neither of us however knowing it) that Symmachus, then +prefect of the city, would try me by setting me some subject, and so +send me. To Milan I came, to Ambrose the Bishop, known to the whole +world as among the best of men, Thy devout servant; whose eloquent +discourse did then plentifully dispense unto Thy people the flour of Thy +wheat, the gladness of Thy oil, and the sober inebriation of Thy wine. +To him was I unknowing led by Thee, that by him I might knowingly be +led to Thee. That man of God received me as a father, and showed me an +Episcopal kindness on my coming. Thenceforth I began to love him, at +first indeed not as a teacher of the truth (which I utterly despaired +of in Thy Church), but as a person kind towards myself. And I listened +diligently to him preaching to the people, not with that intent I ought, +but, as it were, trying his eloquence, whether it answered the fame +thereof, or flowed fuller or lower than was reported; and I hung on his +words attentively; but of the matter I was as a careless and scornful +looker-on; and I was delighted with the sweetness of his discourse, +more recondite, yet in manner less winning and harmonious, than that of +Faustus. Of the matter, however, there was no comparison; for the one +was wandering amid Manichaean delusions, the other teaching salvation +most soundly. But salvation is far from sinners, such as I then stood +before him; and yet was I drawing nearer by little and little, and +unconsciously. + +For though I took no pains to learn what he spake, but only to hear how +he spake (for that empty care alone was left me, despairing of a way, +open for man, to Thee), yet together with the words which I would +choose, came also into my mind the things which I would refuse; for +I could not separate them. And while I opened my heart to admit "how +eloquently he spake," there also entered "how truly he spake"; but this +by degrees. For first, these things also had now begun to appear to +me capable of defence; and the Catholic faith, for which I had thought +nothing could be said against the Manichees' objections, I now thought +might be maintained without shamelessness; especially after I had heard +one or two places of the Old Testament resolved, and ofttimes "in a +figure," which when I understood literally, I was slain spiritually. +Very many places then of those books having been explained, I now blamed +my despair, in believing that no answer could be given to such as hated +and scoffed at the Law and the Prophets. Yet did I not therefore then +see that the Catholic way was to be held, because it also could find +learned maintainers, who could at large and with some show of reason +answer objections; nor that what I held was therefore to be condemned, +because both sides could be maintained. For the Catholic cause seemed to +me in such sort not vanquished, as still not as yet to be victorious. + +Hereupon I earnestly bent my mind, to see if in any way I could by any +certain proof convict the Manichees of falsehood. Could I once have +conceived a spiritual substance, all their strongholds had been beaten +down, and cast utterly out of my mind; but I could not. Notwithstanding, +concerning the frame of this world, and the whole of nature, which the +senses of the flesh can reach to, as I more and more considered and +compared things, I judged the tenets of most of the philosophers to have +been much more probable. So then after the manner of the Academics (as +they are supposed) doubting of every thing, and wavering between all, I +settled so far, that the Manichees were to be abandoned; judging that, +even while doubting, I might not continue in that sect, to which I +already preferred some of the philosophers; to which philosophers +notwithstanding, for that they were without the saving Name of Christ, +I utterly refused to commit the cure of my sick soul. I determined +therefore so long to be a Catechumen in the Catholic Church, to which +I had been commended by my parents, till something certain should dawn +upon me, whither I might steer my course. + + + + +BOOK VI + + +O Thou, my hope from my youth, where wert Thou to me, and whither wert +Thou gone? Hadst not Thou created me, and separated me from the beasts +of the field, and fowls of the air? Thou hadst made me wiser, yet did I +walk in darkness, and in slippery places, and sought Thee abroad out of +myself, and found not the God of my heart; and had come into the depths +of the sea, and distrusted and despaired of ever finding truth. My +mother had now come to me, resolute through piety, following me over sea +and land, in all perils confiding in Thee. For in perils of the sea, she +comforted the very mariners (by whom passengers unacquainted with the +deep, use rather to be comforted when troubled), assuring them of a safe +arrival, because Thou hadst by a vision assured her thereof. She found +me in grievous peril, through despair of ever finding truth. But when +I had discovered to her that I was now no longer a Manichee, though +not yet a Catholic Christian, she was not overjoyed, as at something +unexpected; although she was now assured concerning that part of my +misery, for which she bewailed me as one dead, though to be reawakened +by Thee, carrying me forth upon the bier of her thoughts, that Thou +mightest say to the son of the widow, Young man, I say unto thee, Arise; +and he should revive, and begin to speak, and Thou shouldest deliver him +to his mother. Her heart then was shaken with no tumultuous exultation, +when she heard that what she daily with tears desired of Thee was +already in so great part realised; in that, though I had not yet +attained the truth, I was rescued from falsehood; but, as being assured, +that Thou, Who hadst promised the whole, wouldest one day give the rest, +most calmly, and with a heart full of confidence, she replied to me, +"She believed in Christ, that before she departed this life, she should +see me a Catholic believer." Thus much to me. But to Thee, Fountain +of mercies, poured she forth more copious prayers and tears, that Thou +wouldest hasten Thy help, and enlighten my darkness; and she hastened +the more eagerly to the Church, and hung upon the lips of Ambrose, +praying for the fountain of that water, which springeth up unto life +everlasting. But that man she loved as an angel of God, because she knew +that by him I had been brought for the present to that doubtful state of +faith I now was in, through which she anticipated most confidently that +I should pass from sickness unto health, after the access, as it were, +of a sharper fit, which physicians call "the crisis." + +When then my mother had once, as she was wont in Afric, brought to the +Churches built in memory of the Saints, certain cakes, and bread and +wine, and was forbidden by the door-keeper; so soon as she knew that the +Bishop had forbidden this, she so piously and obediently embraced +his wishes, that I myself wondered how readily she censured her own +practice, rather than discuss his prohibition. For wine-bibbing did not +lay siege to her spirit, nor did love of wine provoke her to hatred of +the truth, as it doth too many (both men and women), who revolt at a +lesson of sobriety, as men well-drunk at a draught mingled with +water. But she, when she had brought her basket with the accustomed +festival-food, to be but tasted by herself, and then given away, never +joined therewith more than one small cup of wine, diluted according to +her own abstemious habits, which for courtesy she would taste. And if +there were many churches of the departed saints that were to be honoured +in that manner, she still carried round that same one cup, to be +used every where; and this, though not only made very watery, but +unpleasantly heated with carrying about, she would distribute to those +about her by small sips; for she sought there devotion, not pleasure. +So soon, then, as she found this custom to be forbidden by that famous +preacher and most pious prelate, even to those that would use it +soberly, lest so an occasion of excess might be given to the drunken; +and for these, as it were, anniversary funeral solemnities did much +resemble the superstition of the Gentiles, she most willingly forbare +it: and for a basket filled with fruits of the earth, she had learned to +bring to the Churches of the martyrs a breast filled with more +purified petitions, and to give what she could to the poor; that so +the communication of the Lord's Body might be there rightly celebrated, +where, after the example of His Passion, the martyrs had been sacrificed +and crowned. But yet it seems to me, O Lord my God, and thus thinks my +heart of it in Thy sight, that perhaps she would not so readily have +yielded to the cutting off of this custom, had it been forbidden by +another, whom she loved not as Ambrose, whom, for my salvation, +she loved most entirely; and he her again, for her most religious +conversation, whereby in good works, so fervent in spirit, she was +constant at church; so that, when he saw me, he often burst forth into +her praises; congratulating me that I had such a mother; not knowing +what a son she had in me, who doubted of all these things, and imagined +the way to life could not be found out. + +Nor did I yet groan in my prayers, that Thou wouldest help me; but +my spirit was wholly intent on learning, and restless to dispute. And +Ambrose himself, as the world counts happy, I esteemed a happy man, whom +personages so great held in such honour; only his celibacy seemed to me +a painful course. But what hope he bore within him, what struggles he +had against the temptations which beset his very excellencies, or what +comfort in adversities, and what sweet joys Thy Bread had for the hidden +mouth of his spirit, when chewing the cud thereof, I neither could +conjecture, nor had experienced. Nor did he know the tides of my +feelings, or the abyss of my danger. For I could not ask of him, what +I would as I would, being shut out both from his ear and speech by +multitudes of busy people, whose weaknesses he served. With whom when he +was not taken up (which was but a little time), he was either refreshing +his body with the sustenance absolutely necessary, or his mind with +reading. But when he was reading, his eye glided over the pages, and +his heart searched out the sense, but his voice and tongue were at rest. +Ofttimes when we had come (for no man was forbidden to enter, nor was it +his wont that any who came should be announced to him), we saw him thus +reading to himself, and never otherwise; and having long sat silent +(for who durst intrude on one so intent?) we were fain to depart, +conjecturing that in the small interval which he obtained, free from the +din of others' business, for the recruiting of his mind, he was loth to +be taken off; and perchance he dreaded lest if the author he read should +deliver any thing obscurely, some attentive or perplexed hearer should +desire him to expound it, or to discuss some of the harder questions; so +that his time being thus spent, he could not turn over so many volumes +as he desired; although the preserving of his voice (which a very little +speaking would weaken) might be the truer reason for his reading to +himself. But with what intent soever he did it, certainly in such a man +it was good. + +I however certainly had no opportunity of enquiring what I wished of +that so holy oracle of Thine, his breast, unless the thing might be +answered briefly. But those tides in me, to be poured out to him, +required his full leisure, and never found it. I heard him indeed every +Lord's day, rightly expounding the Word of truth among the people; and +I was more and more convinced that all the knots of those crafty +calumnies, which those our deceivers had knit against the Divine Books, +could be unravelled. But when I understood withal, that "man created +by Thee, after Thine own image," was not so understood by Thy spiritual +sons, whom of the Catholic Mother Thou hast born again through grace, +as though they believed and conceived of Thee as bounded by human shape +(although what a spiritual substance should be I had not even a faint or +shadowy notion); yet, with joy I blushed at having so many years barked +not against the Catholic faith, but against the fictions of carnal +imaginations. For so rash and impious had I been, that what I ought by +enquiring to have learned, I had pronounced on, condemning. For Thou, +Most High, and most near; most secret, and most present; Who hast not +limbs some larger, some smaller, but art wholly every where, and no +where in space, art not of such corporeal shape, yet hast Thou made man +after Thine own image; and behold, from head to foot is he contained in +space. + +Ignorant then how this Thy image should subsist, I should have knocked +and proposed the doubt, how it was to be believed, not insultingly +opposed it, as if believed. Doubt, then, what to hold for certain, +the more sharply gnawed my heart, the more ashamed I was, that so long +deluded and deceived by the promise of certainties, I had with childish +error and vehemence, prated of so many uncertainties. For that they were +falsehoods became clear to me later. However I was certain that they +were uncertain, and that I had formerly accounted them certain, when +with a blind contentiousness, I accused Thy Catholic Church, whom I now +discovered, not indeed as yet to teach truly, but at least not to teach +that for which I had grievously censured her. So I was confounded, and +converted: and I joyed, O my God, that the One Only Church, the body of +Thine Only Son (wherein the name of Christ had been put upon me as an +infant), had no taste for infantine conceits; nor in her sound doctrine +maintained any tenet which should confine Thee, the Creator of all, in +space, however great and large, yet bounded every where by the limits of +a human form. + +I joyed also that the old Scriptures of the law and the Prophets were +laid before me, not now to be perused with that eye to which before they +seemed absurd, when I reviled Thy holy ones for so thinking, whereas +indeed they thought not so: and with joy I heard Ambrose in his sermons +to the people, oftentimes most diligently recommend this text for a +rule, The letter killeth, but the Spirit giveth life; whilst he drew +aside the mystic veil, laying open spiritually what, according to the +letter, seemed to teach something unsound; teaching herein nothing that +offended me, though he taught what I knew not as yet, whether it were +true. For I kept my heart from assenting to any thing, fearing to fall +headlong; but by hanging in suspense I was the worse killed. For I +wished to be as assured of the things I saw not, as I was that seven and +three are ten. For I was not so mad as to think that even this could not +be comprehended; but I desired to have other things as clear as this, +whether things corporeal, which were not present to my senses, or +spiritual, whereof I knew not how to conceive, except corporeally. And +by believing might I have been cured, that so the eyesight of my soul +being cleared, might in some way be directed to Thy truth, which abideth +always, and in no part faileth. But as it happens that one who has tried +a bad physician, fears to trust himself with a good one, so was it with +the health of my soul, which could not be healed but by believing, and +lest it should believe falsehoods, refused to be cured; resisting Thy +hands, Who hast prepared the medicines of faith, and hast applied +them to the diseases of the whole world, and given unto them so great +authority. + +Being led, however, from this to prefer the Catholic doctrine, I felt +that her proceeding was more unassuming and honest, in that she required +to be believed things not demonstrated (whether it was that they could +in themselves be demonstrated but not to certain persons, or could not +at all be), whereas among the Manichees our credulity was mocked by a +promise of certain knowledge, and then so many most fabulous and +absurd things were imposed to be believed, because they could not be +demonstrated. Then Thou, O Lord, little by little with most tender and +most merciful hand, touching and composing my heart, didst persuade +me--considering what innumerable things I believed, which I saw not, nor +was present while they were done, as so many things in secular history, +so many reports of places and of cities, which I had not seen; so many +of friends, so many of physicians, so many continually of other men, +which unless we should believe, we should do nothing at all in this +life; lastly, with how unshaken an assurance I believed of what +parents I was born, which I could not know, had I not believed upon +hearsay--considering all this, Thou didst persuade me, that not they who +believed Thy Books (which Thou hast established in so great authority +among almost all nations), but they who believed them not, were to be +blamed; and that they were not to be heard, who should say to me, "How +knowest thou those Scriptures to have been imparted unto mankind by the +Spirit of the one true and most true God?" For this very thing was +of all most to be believed, since no contentiousness of blasphemous +questionings, of all that multitude which I had read in the +self-contradicting philosophers, could wring this belief from me, +"That Thou art" whatsoever Thou wert (what I knew not), and "That the +government of human things belongs to Thee." + +This I believed, sometimes more strongly, more weakly otherwhiles; yet I +ever believed both that Thou wert, and hadst a care of us; though I was +ignorant, both what was to be thought of Thy substance, and what way led +or led back to Thee. Since then we were too weak by abstract reasonings +to find out truth: and for this very cause needed the authority of Holy +Writ; I had now begun to believe that Thou wouldest never have given +such excellency of authority to that Writ in all lands, hadst Thou not +willed thereby to be believed in, thereby sought. For now what things, +sounding strangely in the Scripture, were wont to offend me, having +heard divers of them expounded satisfactorily, I referred to the depth +of the mysteries, and its authority appeared to me the more venerable, +and more worthy of religious credence, in that, while it lay open to all +to read, it reserved the majesty of its mysteries within its profounder +meaning, stooping to all in the great plainness of its words and +lowliness of its style, yet calling forth the intensest application of +such as are not light of heart; that so it might receive all in its open +bosom, and through narrow passages waft over towards Thee some few, yet +many more than if it stood not aloft on such a height of authority, nor +drew multitudes within its bosom by its holy lowliness. These things +I thought on, and Thou wert with me; I sighed, and Thou heardest me; I +wavered, and Thou didst guide me; I wandered through the broad way of +the world, and Thou didst not forsake me. + +I panted after honours, gains, marriage; and thou deridedst me. In these +desires I underwent most bitter crosses, Thou being the more gracious, +the less Thou sufferedst aught to grow sweet to me, which was not Thou. +Behold my heart, O Lord, who wouldest I should remember all this, and +confess to Thee. Let my soul cleave unto Thee, now that Thou hast freed +it from that fast-holding birdlime of death. How wretched was it! and +Thou didst irritate the feeling of its wound, that forsaking all else, +it might be converted unto Thee, who art above all, and without whom all +things would be nothing; be converted, and be healed. How miserable was +I then, and how didst Thou deal with me, to make me feel my misery on +that day, when I was preparing to recite a panegyric of the Emperor, +wherein I was to utter many a lie, and lying, was to be applauded by +those who knew I lied, and my heart was panting with these anxieties, +and boiling with the feverishness of consuming thoughts. For, passing +through one of the streets of Milan, I observed a poor beggar, then, I +suppose, with a full belly, joking and joyous: and I sighed, and spoke +to the friends around me, of the many sorrows of our frenzies; for that +by all such efforts of ours, as those wherein I then toiled dragging +along, under the goading of desire, the burthen of my own wretchedness, +and, by dragging, augmenting it, we yet looked to arrive only at that +very joyousness whither that beggar-man had arrived before us, who +should never perchance attain it. For what he had obtained by means of a +few begged pence, the same was I plotting for by many a toilsome turning +and winding; the joy of a temporary felicity. For he verily had not the +true joy; but yet I with those my ambitious designs was seeking one much +less true. And certainly he was joyous, I anxious; he void of care, I +full of fears. But should any ask me, had I rather be merry or fearful? +I would answer merry. Again, if he asked had I rather be such as he was, +or what I then was? I should choose to be myself, though worn with cares +and fears; but out of wrong judgment; for, was it the truth? For I ought +not to prefer myself to him, because more learned than he, seeing I +had no joy therein, but sought to please men by it; and that not to +instruct, but simply to please. Wherefore also Thou didst break my bones +with the staff of Thy correction. + +Away with those then from my soul who say to her, "It makes a difference +whence a man's joy is. That beggar-man joyed in drunkenness; Thou +desiredst to joy in glory." What glory, Lord? That which is not in +Thee. For even as his was no true joy, so was that no true glory: and +it overthrew my soul more. He that very night should digest his +drunkenness; but I had slept and risen again with mine, and was to sleep +again, and again to rise with it, how many days, Thou, God, knowest. But +"it doth make a difference whence a man's joy is." I know it, and the +joy of a faithful hope lieth incomparably beyond such vanity. Yea, and +so was he then beyond me: for he verily was the happier; not only for +that he was thoroughly drenched in mirth, I disembowelled with cares: +but he, by fair wishes, had gotten wine; I, by lying, was seeking for +empty, swelling praise. Much to this purpose said I then to my friends: +and I often marked in them how it fared with me; and I found it went ill +with me, and grieved, and doubled that very ill; and if any prosperity +smiled on me, I was loth to catch at it, for almost before I could grasp +it, it flew away. + +These things we, who were living as friends together, bemoaned together, +but chiefly and most familiarly did I speak thereof with Alypius and +Nebridius, of whom Alypius was born in the same town with me, of persons +of chief rank there, but younger than I. For he had studied under me, +both when I first lectured in our town, and afterwards at Carthage, and +he loved me much, because I seemed to him kind, and learned; and I him, +for his great towardliness to virtue, which was eminent enough in one of +no greater years. Yet the whirlpool of Carthaginian habits (amongst whom +those idle spectacles are hotly followed) had drawn him into the +madness of the Circus. But while he was miserably tossed therein, and +I, professing rhetoric there, had a public school, as yet he used not my +teaching, by reason of some unkindness risen betwixt his father and me. +I had found then how deadly he doted upon the Circus, and was deeply +grieved that he seemed likely, nay, or had thrown away so great promise: +yet had I no means of advising or with a sort of constraint reclaiming +him, either by the kindness of a friend, or the authority of a master. +For I supposed that he thought of me as did his father; but he was not +such; laying aside then his father's mind in that matter, he began to +greet me, come sometimes into my lecture room, hear a little, and be +gone. + +I however had forgotten to deal with him, that he should not, through +a blind and headlong desire of vain pastimes, undo so good a wit. But +Thou, O Lord, who guidest the course of all Thou hast created, hadst +not forgotten him, who was one day to be among Thy children, Priest +and Dispenser of Thy Sacrament; and that his amendment might plainly be +attributed to Thyself, Thou effectedst it through me, unknowingly. For +as one day I sat in my accustomed place, with my scholars before me, +he entered, greeted me, sat down, and applied his mind to what I +then handled. I had by chance a passage in hand, which while I was +explaining, a likeness from the Circensian races occurred to me, as +likely to make what I would convey pleasanter and plainer, seasoned +with biting mockery of those whom that madness had enthralled; God, Thou +knowest that I then thought not of curing Alypius of that infection. But +he took it wholly to himself, and thought that I said it simply for his +sake. And whence another would have taken occasion of offence with me, +that right-minded youth took as a ground of being offended at himself, +and loving me more fervently. For Thou hadst said it long ago, and put +it into Thy book, Rebuke a wise man and he will love Thee. But I had +not rebuked him, but Thou, who employest all, knowing or not knowing, in +that order which Thyself knowest (and that order is just), didst of my +heart and tongue make burning coals, by which to set on fire the +hopeful mind, thus languishing, and so cure it. Let him be silent in Thy +praises, who considers not Thy mercies, which confess unto Thee out of +my inmost soul. For he upon that speech burst out of that pit so deep, +wherein he was wilfully plunged, and was blinded with its wretched +pastimes; and he shook his mind with a strong self-command; whereupon +all the filths of the Circensian pastimes flew off from him, nor came he +again thither. Upon this, he prevailed with his unwilling father that he +might be my scholar. He gave way, and gave in. And Alypius beginning +to be my hearer again, was involved in the same superstition with me, +loving in the Manichees that show of continency which he supposed true +and unfeigned. Whereas it was a senseless and seducing continency, +ensnaring precious souls, unable as yet to reach the depth of virtue, +yet readily beguiled with the surface of what was but a shadowy and +counterfeit virtue. + +He, not forsaking that secular course which his parents had charmed him +to pursue, had gone before me to Rome, to study law, and there he was +carried away incredibly with an incredible eagerness after the shows of +gladiators. For being utterly averse to and detesting spectacles, he was +one day by chance met by divers of his acquaintance and fellow-students +coming from dinner, and they with a familiar violence haled him, +vehemently refusing and resisting, into the Amphitheatre, during these +cruel and deadly shows, he thus protesting: "Though you hale my body to +that place, and there set me, can you force me also to turn my mind or +my eyes to those shows? I shall then be absent while present, and +so shall overcome both you and them." They, hearing this, led him on +nevertheless, desirous perchance to try that very thing, whether he +could do as he said. When they were come thither, and had taken their +places as they could, the whole place kindled with that savage pastime. +But he, closing the passage of his eyes, forbade his mind to range +abroad after such evil; and would he had stopped his ears also! For in +the fight, when one fell, a mighty cry of the whole people striking him +strongly, overcome by curiosity, and as if prepared to despise and be +superior to it whatsoever it were, even when seen, he opened his eyes, +and was stricken with a deeper wound in his soul than the other, whom he +desired to behold, was in his body; and he fell more miserably than he +upon whose fall that mighty noise was raised, which entered through his +ears, and unlocked his eyes, to make way for the striking and beating +down of a soul, bold rather than resolute, and the weaker, in that it +had presumed on itself, which ought to have relied on Thee. For so soon +as he saw that blood, he therewith drunk down savageness; nor turned +away, but fixed his eye, drinking in frenzy, unawares, and was delighted +with that guilty fight, and intoxicated with the bloody pastime. Nor was +he now the man he came, but one of the throng he came unto, yea, a true +associate of theirs that brought him thither. Why say more? He beheld, +shouted, kindled, carried thence with him the madness which should goad +him to return not only with them who first drew him thither, but also +before them, yea and to draw in others. Yet thence didst Thou with a +most strong and most merciful hand pluck him, and taughtest him to have +confidence not in himself, but in Thee. But this was after. + +But this was already being laid up in his memory to be a medicine +hereafter. So was that also, that when he was yet studying under me at +Carthage, and was thinking over at mid-day in the market-place what he +was to say by heart (as scholars use to practise), Thou sufferedst him +to be apprehended by the officers of the market-place for a thief. For +no other cause, I deem, didst Thou, our God, suffer it, but that he who +was hereafter to prove so great a man, should already begin to learn +that in judging of causes, man was not readily to be condemned by man +out of a rash credulity. For as he was walking up and down by himself +before the judgment-seat, with his note-book and pen, lo, a young man, a +lawyer, the real thief, privily bringing a hatchet, got in, unperceived +by Alypius, as far as the leaden gratings which fence in the +silversmiths' shops, and began to cut away the lead. But the noise of +the hatchet being heard, the silversmiths beneath began to make a stir, +and sent to apprehend whomever they should find. But he, hearing their +voices, ran away, leaving his hatchet, fearing to be taken with it. +Alypius now, who had not seen him enter, was aware of his going, and +saw with what speed he made away. And being desirous to know the matter, +entered the place; where finding the hatchet, he was standing, wondering +and considering it, when behold, those that had been sent, find him +alone with the hatchet in his hand, the noise whereof had startled and +brought them thither. They seize him, hale him away, and gathering the +dwellers in the market-place together, boast of having taken a notorious +thief, and so he was being led away to be taken before the judge. + +But thus far was Alypius to be instructed. For forthwith, O Lord, Thou +succouredst his innocency, whereof Thou alone wert witness. For as he +was being led either to prison or to punishment, a certain architect met +them, who had the chief charge of the public buildings. Glad they +were to meet him especially, by whom they were wont to be suspected of +stealing the goods lost out of the market-place, as though to show him at +last by whom these thefts were committed. He, however, had divers times +seen Alypius at a certain senator's house, to whom he often went to pay +his respects; and recognising him immediately, took him aside by the +hand, and enquiring the occasion of so great a calamity, heard the whole +matter, and bade all present, amid much uproar and threats, to go with +him. So they came to the house of the young man who had done the +deed. There, before the door, was a boy so young as to be likely, not +apprehending any harm to his master, to disclose the whole. For he +had attended his master to the market-place. Whom so soon as Alypius +remembered, he told the architect: and he showing the hatchet to the +boy, asked him "Whose that was?" "Ours," quoth he presently: and being +further questioned, he discovered every thing. Thus the crime being +transferred to that house, and the multitude ashamed, which had begun +to insult over Alypius, he who was to be a dispenser of Thy Word, and an +examiner of many causes in Thy Church, went away better experienced and +instructed. + +Him then I had found at Rome, and he clave to me by a most strong tie, +and went with me to Milan, both that he might not leave me, and might +practise something of the law he had studied, more to please his parents +than himself. There he had thrice sat as Assessor, with an uncorruptness +much wondered at by others, he wondering at others rather who could +prefer gold to honesty. His character was tried besides, not only with +the bait of covetousness, but with the goad of fear. At Rome he was +Assessor to the count of the Italian Treasury. There was at that time a +very powerful senator, to whose favours many stood indebted, many much +feared. He would needs, by his usual power, have a thing allowed him +which by the laws was unallowed. Alypius resisted it: a bribe was +promised; with all his heart he scorned it: threats were held out; he +trampled upon them: all wondering at so unwonted a spirit, which neither +desired the friendship, nor feared the enmity of one so great and so +mightily renowned for innumerable means of doing good or evil. And the +very judge, whose councillor Alypius was, although also unwilling +it should be, yet did not openly refuse, but put the matter off upon +Alypius, alleging that he would not allow him to do it: for in truth had +the judge done it, Alypius would have decided otherwise. With this one +thing in the way of learning was he well-nigh seduced, that he might +have books copied for him at Praetorian prices, but consulting justice, +he altered his deliberation for the better; esteeming equity whereby he +was hindered more gainful than the power whereby he were allowed. These +are slight things, but he that is faithful in little, is faithful also +in much. Nor can that any how be void, which proceeded out of the mouth +of Thy Truth: If ye have not been faithful in the unrighteous Mammon, +who will commit to your trust true riches? And if ye have not been +faithful in that which is another man's, who shall give you that which +is your own? He being such, did at that time cleave to me, and with me +wavered in purpose, what course of life was to be taken. + +Nebridius also, who having left his native country near Carthage, yea +and Carthage itself, where he had much lived, leaving his excellent +family-estate and house, and a mother behind, who was not to follow him, +had come to Milan, for no other reason but that with me he might live in +a most ardent search after truth and wisdom. Like me he sighed, like +me he wavered, an ardent searcher after true life, and a most acute +examiner of the most difficult questions. Thus were there the mouths +of three indigent persons, sighing out their wants one to another, and +waiting upon Thee that Thou mightest give them their meat in due season. +And in all the bitterness which by Thy mercy followed our worldly +affairs, as we looked towards the end, why we should suffer all this, +darkness met us; and we turned away groaning, and saying, How long shall +these things be? This too we often said; and so saying forsook them not, +for as yet there dawned nothing certain, which these forsaken, we might +embrace. + +And I, viewing and reviewing things, most wondered at the length of time +from that my nineteenth year, wherein I had begun to kindle with the +desire of wisdom, settling when I had found her, to abandon all the +empty hopes and lying frenzies of vain desires. And lo, I was now in +my thirtieth year, sticking in the same mire, greedy of enjoying things +present, which passed away and wasted my soul; while I said to myself, +"Tomorrow I shall find it; it will appear manifestly and I shall grasp +it; lo, Faustus the Manichee will come, and clear every thing! O you +great men, ye Academicians, it is true then, that no certainty can +be attained for the ordering of life! Nay, let us search the more +diligently, and despair not. Lo, things in the ecclesiastical books +are not absurd to us now, which sometimes seemed absurd, and may be +otherwise taken, and in a good sense. I will take my stand, where, as +a child, my parents placed me, until the clear truth be found out. But +where shall it be sought or when? Ambrose has no leisure; we have no +leisure to read; where shall we find even the books? Whence, or when +procure them? from whom borrow them? Let set times be appointed, and +certain hours be ordered for the health of our soul. Great hope has +dawned; the Catholic Faith teaches not what we thought, and vainly +accused it of; her instructed members hold it profane to believe God to +be bounded by the figure of a human body: and do we doubt to 'knock,' +that the rest 'may be opened'? The forenoons our scholars take up; what +do we during the rest? Why not this? But when then pay we court to our +great friends, whose favour we need? When compose what we may sell +to scholars? When refresh ourselves, unbending our minds from this +intenseness of care? + +"Perish every thing, dismiss we these empty vanities, and betake +ourselves to the one search for truth! Life is vain, death uncertain; if +it steals upon us on a sudden, in what state shall we depart hence? +and where shall we learn what here we have neglected? and shall we not +rather suffer the punishment of this negligence? What, if death itself +cut off and end all care and feeling? Then must this be ascertained. +But God forbid this! It is no vain and empty thing, that the excellent +dignity of the authority of the Christian Faith hath overspread the +whole world. Never would such and so great things be by God wrought for +us, if with the death of the body the life of the soul came to an end. +Wherefore delay then to abandon worldly hopes, and give ourselves wholly +to seek after God and the blessed life? But wait! Even those things are +pleasant; they have some, and no small sweetness. We must not lightly +abandon them, for it were a shame to return again to them. See, it is +no great matter now to obtain some station, and then what should we more +wish for? We have store of powerful friends; if nothing else offer, and +we be in much haste, at least a presidentship may be given us: and a +wife with some money, that she increase not our charges: and this shall +be the bound of desire. Many great men, and most worthy of imitation, +have given themselves to the study of wisdom in the state of marriage." + +While I went over these things, and these winds shifted and drove my +heart this way and that, time passed on, but I delayed to turn to the +Lord; and from day to day deferred to live in Thee, and deferred not +daily to die in myself. Loving a happy life, I feared it in its own +abode, and sought it, by fleeing from it. I thought I should be too +miserable, unless folded in female arms; and of the medicine of Thy +mercy to cure that infirmity I thought not, not having tried it. As for +continency, I supposed it to be in our own power (though in myself I did +not find that power), being so foolish as not to know what is written, +None can be continent unless Thou give it; and that Thou wouldest give +it, if with inward groanings I did knock at Thine ears, and with a +settled faith did cast my care on Thee. + +Alypius indeed kept me from marrying; alleging that so could we by no +means with undistracted leisure live together in the love of wisdom, as +we had long desired. For himself was even then most pure in this point, +so that it was wonderful; and that the more, since in the outset of his +youth he had entered into that course, but had not stuck fast therein; +rather had he felt remorse and revolting at it, living thenceforth until +now most continently. But I opposed him with the examples of those who +as married men had cherished wisdom, and served God acceptably, and +retained their friends, and loved them faithfully. Of whose greatness of +spirit I was far short; and bound with the disease of the flesh, and its +deadly sweetness, drew along my chain, dreading to be loosed, and as if +my wound had been fretted, put back his good persuasions, as it were the +hand of one that would unchain me. Moreover, by me did the serpent +speak unto Alypius himself, by my tongue weaving and laying in his +path pleasurable snares, wherein his virtuous and free feet might be +entangled. + +For when he wondered that I, whom he esteemed not slightly, should stick +so fast in the birdlime of that pleasure, as to protest (so oft as we +discussed it) that I could never lead a single life; and urged in my +defence when I saw him wonder, that there was great difference between +his momentary and scarce-remembered knowledge of that life, which so +he might easily despise, and my continued acquaintance whereto if the +honourable name of marriage were added, he ought not to wonder why I +could not contemn that course; he began also to desire to be married; +not as overcome with desire of such pleasure, but out of curiosity. For +he would fain know, he said, what that should be, without which my life, +to him so pleasing, would to me seem not life but a punishment. For his +mind, free from that chain, was amazed at my thraldom; and through that +amazement was going on to a desire of trying it, thence to the trial +itself, and thence perhaps to sink into that bondage whereat he +wondered, seeing he was willing to make a covenant with death; and he +that loves danger, shall fall into it. For whatever honour there be in +the office of well-ordering a married life, and a family, moved us but +slightly. But me for the most part the habit of satisfying an insatiable +appetite tormented, while it held me captive; him, an admiring wonder +was leading captive. So were we, until Thou, O Most High, not forsaking +our dust, commiserating us miserable, didst come to our help, by +wondrous and secret ways. + +Continual effort was made to have me married. I wooed, I was +promised, chiefly through my mother's pains, that so once married, the +health-giving baptism might cleanse me, towards which she rejoiced +that I was being daily fitted, and observed that her prayers, and Thy +promises, were being fulfilled in my faith. At which time verily, both +at my request and her own longing, with strong cries of heart she +daily begged of Thee, that Thou wouldest by a vision discover unto her +something concerning my future marriage; Thou never wouldest. She saw +indeed certain vain and fantastic things, such as the energy of the +human spirit, busied thereon, brought together; and these she told me +of, not with that confidence she was wont, when Thou showedst her any +thing, but slighting them. For she could, she said, through a certain +feeling, which in words she could not express, discern betwixt Thy +revelations, and the dreams of her own soul. Yet the matter was pressed +on, and a maiden asked in marriage, two years under the fit age; and, as +pleasing, was waited for. + +And many of us friends conferring about, and detesting the turbulent +turmoils of human life, had debated and now almost resolved on living +apart from business and the bustle of men; and this was to be thus +obtained; we were to bring whatever we might severally procure, and +make one household of all; so that through the truth of our friendship +nothing should belong especially to any; but the whole thus derived from +all, should as a whole belong to each, and all to all. We thought there +might be some often persons in this society; some of whom were very +rich, especially Romanianus our townsman, from childhood a very familiar +friend of mine, whom the grievous perplexities of his affairs had +brought up to court; who was the most earnest for this project; and +therein was his voice of great weight, because his ample estate far +exceeded any of the rest. We had settled also that two annual officers, +as it were, should provide all things necessary, the rest being +undisturbed. But when we began to consider whether the wives, which +some of us already had, others hoped to have, would allow this, all that +plan, which was being so well moulded, fell to pieces in our hands, was +utterly dashed and cast aside. Thence we betook us to sighs, and groans, +and our steps to follow the broad and beaten ways of the world; for many +thoughts were in our heart, but Thy counsel standeth for ever. Out +of which counsel Thou didst deride ours, and preparedst Thine own; +purposing to give us meat in due season, and to fill our souls with +blessing. + +Meanwhile my sins were being multiplied, and my concubine being torn +from my side as a hindrance to my marriage, my heart which clave unto +her was torn and wounded and bleeding. And she returned to Afric, vowing +unto Thee never to know any other man, leaving with me my son by her. +But unhappy I, who could not imitate a very woman, impatient of delay, +inasmuch as not till after two years was I to obtain her I sought not +being so much a lover of marriage as a slave to lust, procured another, +though no wife, that so by the servitude of an enduring custom, the +disease of my soul might be kept up and carried on in its vigour, or +even augmented, into the dominion of marriage. Nor was that my wound +cured, which had been made by the cutting away of the former, but after +inflammation and most acute pain, it mortified, and my pains became less +acute, but more desperate. + +To Thee be praise, glory to Thee, Fountain of mercies. I was becoming +more miserable, and Thou nearer. Thy right hand was continually ready to +pluck me out of the mire, and to wash me thoroughly, and I knew it +not; nor did anything call me back from a yet deeper gulf of carnal +pleasures, but the fear of death, and of Thy judgment to come; which +amid all my changes, never departed from my breast. And in my disputes +with my friends Alypius and Nebridius of the nature of good and evil, I +held that Epicurus had in my mind won the palm, had I not believed that +after death there remained a life for the soul, and places of requital +according to men's deserts, which Epicurus would not believe. And I +asked, "were we immortal, and to live in perpetual bodily pleasure, +without fear of losing it, why should we not be happy, or what else +should we seek?" not knowing that great misery was involved in this very +thing, that, being thus sunk and blinded, I could not discern that light +of excellence and beauty, to be embraced for its own sake, which the eye +of flesh cannot see, and is seen by the inner man. Nor did I, unhappy, +consider from what source it sprung, that even on these things, foul as +they were, I with pleasure discoursed with my friends, nor could I, +even according to the notions I then had of happiness, be happy without +friends, amid what abundance soever of carnal pleasures. And yet these +friends I loved for themselves only, and I felt that I was beloved of +them again for myself only. + +O crooked paths! Woe to the audacious soul, which hoped, by forsaking +Thee, to gain some better thing! Turned it hath, and turned again, upon +back, sides, and belly, yet all was painful; and Thou alone rest. +And behold, Thou art at hand, and deliverest us from our wretched +wanderings, and placest us in Thy way, and dost comfort us, and say, +"Run; I will carry you; yea I will bring you through; there also will I +carry you." + + + + +BOOK VII + + +Deceased was now that my evil and abominable youth, and I was passing +into early manhood; the more defiled by vain things as I grew in years, +who could not imagine any substance, but such as is wont to be seen with +these eyes. I thought not of Thee, O God, under the figure of a human +body; since I began to hear aught of wisdom, I always avoided this; and +rejoiced to have found the same in the faith of our spiritual mother, +Thy Catholic Church. But what else to conceive of Thee I knew not. And +I, a man, and such a man, sought to conceive of Thee the sovereign, +only, true God; and I did in my inmost soul believe that Thou wert +incorruptible, and uninjurable, and unchangeable; because though not +knowing whence or how, yet I saw plainly, and was sure, that that which +may be corrupted must be inferior to that which cannot; what could not +be injured I preferred unhesitatingly to what could receive injury; the +unchangeable to things subject to change. My heart passionately cried +out against all my phantoms, and with this one blow I sought to beat +away from the eye of my mind all that unclean troop which buzzed around +it. And lo, being scarce put off, in the twinkling of an eye they +gathered again thick about me, flew against my face, and beclouded +it; so that though not under the form of the human body, yet was I +constrained to conceive of Thee (that incorruptible, uninjurable, and +unchangeable, which I preferred before the corruptible, and injurable, +and changeable) as being in space, whether infused into the world, or +diffused infinitely without it. Because whatsoever I conceived, deprived +of this space, seemed to me nothing, yea altogether nothing, not even +a void, as if a body were taken out of its place, and the place should +remain empty of any body at all, of earth and water, air and heaven, yet +would it remain a void place, as it were a spacious nothing. + +I then being thus gross-hearted, nor clear even to myself, whatsoever +was not extended over certain spaces, nor diffused, nor condensed, nor +swelled out, or did not or could not receive some of these dimensions, +I thought to be altogether nothing. For over such forms as my eyes are +wont to range, did my heart then range: nor yet did I see that this same +notion of the mind, whereby I formed those very images, was not of this +sort, and yet it could not have formed them, had not itself been some +great thing. So also did I endeavour to conceive of Thee, Life of my +life, as vast, through infinite spaces on every side penetrating +the whole mass of the universe, and beyond it, every way, through +unmeasurable boundless spaces; so that the earth should have Thee, the +heaven have Thee, all things have Thee, and they be bounded in Thee, and +Thou bounded nowhere. For that as the body of this air which is above +the earth, hindereth not the light of the sun from passing through it, +penetrating it, not by bursting or by cutting, but by filling it wholly: +so I thought the body not of heaven, air, and sea only, but of the earth +too, pervious to Thee, so that in all its parts, the greatest as the +smallest, it should admit Thy presence, by a secret inspiration, within +and without, directing all things which Thou hast created. So I guessed, +only as unable to conceive aught else, for it was false. For thus should +a greater part of the earth contain a greater portion of Thee, and a +less, a lesser: and all things should in such sort be full of Thee, +that the body of an elephant should contain more of Thee, than that of +a sparrow, by how much larger it is, and takes up more room; and thus +shouldest Thou make the several portions of Thyself present unto the +several portions of the world, in fragments, large to the large, +petty to the petty. But such art not Thou. But not as yet hadst Thou +enlightened my darkness. + +It was enough for me, Lord, to oppose to those deceived deceivers, and +dumb praters, since Thy word sounded not out of them;--that was enough +which long ago, while we were yet at Carthage, Nebridius used to +propound, at which all we that heard it were staggered: "That said +nation of darkness, which the Manichees are wont to set as an opposing +mass over against Thee, what could it have done unto Thee, hadst Thou +refused to fight with it? For, if they answered, 'it would have +done Thee some hurt,' then shouldest Thou be subject to injury and +corruption: but it could do Thee no hurt,' then was no reason brought +for Thy fighting with it; and fighting in such wise, as that a certain +portion or member of Thee, or offspring of Thy very Substance, should be +mingled with opposed powers, and natures not created by Thee, and be +by them so far corrupted and changed to the worse, as to be turned +from happiness into misery, and need assistance, whereby it might be +extricated and purified; and that this offspring of Thy Substance was +the soul, which being enthralled, defiled, corrupted, Thy Word, free, +pure, and whole, might relieve; that Word itself being still corruptible +because it was of one and the same Substance. So then, should they +affirm Thee, whatsoever Thou art, that is, Thy Substance whereby +Thou art, to be incorruptible, then were all these sayings false and +execrable; but if corruptible, the very statement showed it to be false +and revolting." This argument then of Nebridius sufficed against those +who deserved wholly to be vomited out of the overcharged stomach; for +they had no escape, without horrible blasphemy of heart and tongue, thus +thinking and speaking of Thee. + +But I also as yet, although I held and was firmly persuaded that Thou +our Lord the true God, who madest not only our souls, but our bodies, +and not only our souls and bodies, but all beings, and all things, wert +undefilable and unalterable, and in no degree mutable; yet understood I +not, clearly and without difficulty, the cause of evil. And yet whatever +it were, I perceived it was in such wise to be sought out, as should not +constrain me to believe the immutable God to be mutable, lest I should +become that evil I was seeking out. I sought it out then, thus far free +from anxiety, certain of the untruth of what these held, from whom I +shrunk with my whole heart: for I saw, that through enquiring the origin +of evil, they were filled with evil, in that they preferred to think +that Thy substance did suffer ill than their own did commit it. + +And I strained to perceive what I now heard, that free-will was the +cause of our doing ill, and Thy just judgment of our suffering ill. But +I was not able clearly to discern it. So then endeavouring to draw my +soul's vision out of that deep pit, I was again plunged therein, and +endeavouring often, I was plunged back as often. But this raised me a +little into Thy light, that I knew as well that I had a will, as that I +lived: when then I did will or nill any thing, I was most sure that no +other than myself did will and nill: and I all but saw that there +was the cause of my sin. But what I did against my will, I saw that +I suffered rather than did, and I judged not to be my fault, but my +punishment; whereby, however, holding Thee to be just, I speedily +confessed myself to be not unjustly punished. But again I said, Who made +me? Did not my God, Who is not only good, but goodness itself? Whence +then came I to will evil and nill good, so that I am thus justly +punished? who set this in me, and ingrafted into me this plant of +bitterness, seeing I was wholly formed by my most sweet God? If the +devil were the author, whence is that same devil? And if he also by his +own perverse will, of a good angel became a devil, whence, again, came +in him that evil will whereby he became a devil, seeing the whole nature +of angels was made by that most good Creator? By these thoughts I was +again sunk down and choked; yet not brought down to that hell of error +(where no man confesseth unto Thee), to think rather that Thou dost +suffer ill, than that man doth it. + +For I was in such wise striving to find out the rest, as one who had +already found that the incorruptible must needs be better than the +corruptible: and Thee therefore, whatsoever Thou wert, I confessed to +be incorruptible. For never soul was, nor shall be, able to conceive any +thing which may be better than Thou, who art the sovereign and the +best good. But since most truly and certainly, the incorruptible is +preferable to the corruptible (as I did now prefer it), then, wert Thou +not incorruptible, I could in thought have arrived at something better +than my God. Where then I saw the incorruptible to be preferable to the +corruptible, there ought I to seek for Thee, and there observe "wherein +evil itself was"; that is, whence corruption comes, by which Thy +substance can by no means be impaired. For corruption does no ways +impair our God; by no will, by no necessity, by no unlooked-for chance: +because He is God, and what He wills is good, and Himself is that +good; but to be corrupted is not good. Nor art Thou against Thy will +constrained to any thing, since Thy will is not greater than Thy power. +But greater should it be, were Thyself greater than Thyself. For the +will and power of God is God Himself. And what can be unlooked-for by +Thee, Who knowest all things? Nor is there any nature in things, but +Thou knowest it. And what should we more say, "why that substance which +God is should not be corruptible," seeing if it were so, it should not +be God? + +And I sought "whence is evil," and sought in an evil way; and saw not +the evil in my very search. I set now before the sight of my spirit +the whole creation, whatsoever we can see therein (as sea, earth, air, +stars, trees, mortal creatures); yea, and whatever in it we do not see, +as the firmament of heaven, all angels moreover, and all the spiritual +inhabitants thereof. But these very beings, as though they were +bodies, did my fancy dispose in place, and I made one great mass of Thy +creation, distinguished as to the kinds of bodies; some, real bodies, +some, what myself had feigned for spirits. And this mass I made huge, +not as it was (which I could not know), but as I thought convenient, yet +every way finite. But Thee, O Lord, I imagined on every part environing +and penetrating it, though every way infinite: as if there were a sea, +every where, and on every side, through unmeasured space, one only +boundless sea, and it contained within it some sponge, huge, but +bounded; that sponge must needs, in all its parts, be filled from that +unmeasurable sea: so conceived I Thy creation, itself finite, full of +Thee, the Infinite; and I said, Behold God, and behold what God hath +created; and God is good, yea, most mightily and incomparably better +than all these: but yet He, the Good, created them good; and see how +He environeth and fulfils them. Where is evil then, and whence, and how +crept it in hither? What is its root, and what its seed? Or hath it no +being? Why then fear we and avoid what is not? Or if we fear it idly, +then is that very fear evil, whereby the soul is thus idly goaded and +racked. Yea, and so much a greater evil, as we have nothing to fear, and +yet do fear. Therefore either is that evil which we fear, or else evil +is, that we fear. Whence is it then? seeing God, the Good, hath created +all these things good. He indeed, the greater and chiefest Good, hath +created these lesser goods; still both Creator and created, all are +good. Whence is evil? Or, was there some evil matter of which He made, +and formed, and ordered it, yet left something in it which He did not +convert into good? Why so then? Had He no might to turn and change the +whole, so that no evil should remain in it, seeing He is All-mighty? +Lastly, why would He make any thing at all of it, and not rather by +the same All-mightiness cause it not to be at all? Or, could it then be +against His will? Or if it were from eternity, why suffered He it so to +be for infinite spaces of times past, and was pleased so long after to +make something out of it? Or if He were suddenly pleased now to effect +somewhat, this rather should the All-mighty have effected, that this +evil matter should not be, and He alone be, the whole, true, sovereign, +and infinite Good. Or if it was not good that He who was good should not +also frame and create something that were good, then, that evil matter +being taken away and brought to nothing, He might form good matter, +whereof to create all things. For He should not be All-mighty, if He +might not create something good without the aid of that matter which +Himself had not created. These thoughts I revolved in my miserable +heart, overcharged with most gnawing cares, lest I should die ere I had +found the truth; yet was the faith of Thy Christ, our Lord and Saviour, +professed in the Church Catholic, firmly fixed in my heart, in many +points, indeed, as yet unformed, and fluctuating from the rule of +doctrine; yet did not my mind utterly leave it, but rather daily took in +more and more of it. + +By this time also had I rejected the lying divinations and impious +dotages of the astrologers. Let Thine own mercies, out of my very +inmost soul, confess unto Thee for this also, O my God. For Thou, Thou +altogether (for who else calls us back from the death of all errors, +save the Life which cannot die, and the Wisdom which needing no light +enlightens the minds that need it, whereby the universe is directed, +down to the whirling leaves of trees?)--Thou madest provision for my +obstinacy wherewith I struggled against Vindicianus, an acute old man, +and Nebridius, a young man of admirable talents; the first vehemently +affirming, and the latter often (though with some doubtfulness) saying, +"That there was no such art whereby to foresee things to come, but that +men's conjectures were a sort of lottery, and that out of many things +which they said should come to pass, some actually did, unawares to them +who spake it, who stumbled upon it, through their oft speaking." +Thou providedst then a friend for me, no negligent consulter of the +astrologers; nor yet well skilled in those arts, but (as I said) a +curious consulter with them, and yet knowing something, which he said +he had heard of his father, which how far it went to overthrow the +estimation of that art, he knew not. This man then, Firminus by name, +having had a liberal education, and well taught in Rhetoric, consulted +me, as one very dear to him, what, according to his so-called +constellations, I thought on certain affairs of his, wherein his worldly +hopes had risen, and I, who had herein now begun to incline towards +Nebridius' opinion, did not altogether refuse to conjecture, and tell +him what came into my unresolved mind; but added, that I was now almost +persuaded that these were but empty and ridiculous follies. Thereupon he +told me that his father had been very curious in such books, and had +a friend as earnest in them as himself, who with joint study and +conference fanned the flame of their affections to these toys, so that +they would observe the moments whereat the very dumb animals, which bred +about their houses, gave birth, and then observed the relative position +of the heavens, thereby to make fresh experiments in this so-called art. +He said then that he had heard of his father, that what time his mother +was about to give birth to him, Firminus, a woman-servant of that friend +of his father's was also with child, which could not escape her master, +who took care with most exact diligence to know the births of his very +puppies. And so it was that (the one for his wife, and the other for his +servant, with the most careful observation, reckoning days, hours, +nay, the lesser divisions of the hours) both were delivered at the same +instant; so that both were constrained to allow the same constellations, +even to the minutest points, the one for his son, the other for his +new-born slave. For so soon as the women began to be in labour, they +each gave notice to the other what was fallen out in their houses, and +had messengers ready to send to one another so soon as they had notice +of the actual birth, of which they had easily provided, each in his own +province, to give instant intelligence. Thus then the messengers of +the respective parties met, he averred, at such an equal distance from +either house that neither of them could make out any difference in the +position of the stars, or any other minutest points; and yet Firminus, +born in a high estate in his parents' house, ran his course through +the gilded paths of life, was increased in riches, raised to honours; +whereas that slave continued to serve his masters, without any +relaxation of his yoke, as Firminus, who knew him, told me. + +Upon hearing and believing these things, told by one of such +credibility, all that my resistance gave way; and first I endeavoured to +reclaim Firminus himself from that curiosity, by telling him that upon +inspecting his constellations, I ought if I were to predict truly, to +have seen in them parents eminent among their neighbours, a noble family +in its own city, high birth, good education, liberal learning. But if +that servant had consulted me upon the same constellations, since they +were his also, I ought again (to tell him too truly) to see in them +a lineage the most abject, a slavish condition, and every thing else +utterly at variance with the former. Whence then, if I spake the truth, +I should, from the same constellations, speak diversely, or if I +spake the same, speak falsely: thence it followed most certainly that +whatever, upon consideration of the constellations, was spoken truly, +was spoken not out of art, but chance; and whatever spoken falsely, was +not out of ignorance in the art, but the failure of the chance. + +An opening thus made, ruminating with myself on the like things, that +no one of those dotards (who lived by such a trade, and whom I longed +to attack, and with derision to confute) might urge against me that +Firminus had informed me falsely, or his father him; I bent my thoughts +on those that are born twins, who for the most part come out of the womb +so near one to other, that the small interval (how much force soever +in the nature of things folk may pretend it to have) cannot be noted +by human observation, or be at all expressed in those figures which the +astrologer is to inspect, that he may pronounce truly. Yet they cannot +be true: for looking into the same figures, he must have predicted the +same of Esau and Jacob, whereas the same happened not to them. Therefore +he must speak falsely; or if truly, then, looking into the same figures, +he must not give the same answer. Not by art, then, but by chance, would +he speak truly. For Thou, O Lord, most righteous Ruler of the Universe, +while consulters and consulted know it not, dost by Thy hidden +inspiration effect that the consulter should hear what, according to the +hidden deservings of souls, he ought to hear, out of the unsearchable +depth of Thy just judgment, to Whom let no man say, What is this? Why +that? Let him not so say, for he is man. + +Now then, O my Helper, hadst Thou loosed me from those fetters: and I +sought "whence is evil," and found no way. But Thou sufferedst me not by +any fluctuations of thought to be carried away from the Faith whereby I +believed Thee both to be, and Thy substance to be unchangeable, and that +Thou hast a care of, and wouldest judge men, and that in Christ, Thy +Son, Our Lord, and the holy Scriptures, which the authority of Thy +Catholic Church pressed upon me, Thou hadst set the way of man's +salvation, to that life which is to be after this death. These things +being safe and immovably settled in my mind, I sought anxiously "whence +was evil?" What were the pangs of my teeming heart, what groans, O my +God! yet even there were Thine ears open, and I knew it not; and when +in silence I vehemently sought, those silent contritions of my soul were +strong cries unto Thy mercy. Thou knewest what I suffered, and no man. +For, what was that which was thence through my tongue distilled into the +ears of my most familiar friends? Did the whole tumult of my soul, for +which neither time nor utterance sufficed, reach them? Yet went up the +whole to Thy hearing, all which I roared out from the groanings of my +heart; and my desire was before Thee, and the light of mine eyes was not +with me: for that was within, I without: nor was that confined to place, +but I was intent on things contained in place, but there found I no +resting-place, nor did they so receive me, that I could say, "It is +enough," "it is well": nor did they yet suffer me to turn back, where +it might be well enough with me. For to these things was I superior, but +inferior to Thee; and Thou art my true joy when subjected to Thee, and +Thou hadst subjected to me what Thou createdst below me. And this was +the true temperament, and middle region of my safety, to remain in +Thy Image, and by serving Thee, rule the body. But when I rose proudly +against Thee, and ran against the Lord with my neck, with the thick +bosses of my buckler, even these inferior things were set above me, and +pressed me down, and no where was there respite or space of breathing. +They met my sight on all sides by heaps and troops, and in thought the +images thereof presented themselves unsought, as I would return to +Thee, as if they would say unto me, "Whither goest thou, unworthy +and defiled?" And these things had grown out of my wound; for Thou +"humbledst the proud like one that is wounded," and through my own +swelling was I separated from Thee; yea, my pride-swollen face closed up +mine eyes. + +But Thou, Lord, abidest for ever, yet not for ever art Thou angry with +us; because Thou pitiest our dust and ashes, and it was pleasing in Thy +sight to reform my deformities; and by inward goads didst Thou rouse me, +that I should be ill at ease, until Thou wert manifested to my inward +sight. Thus, by the secret hand of Thy medicining was my swelling +abated, and the troubled and bedimmed eyesight of my mind, by the +smarting anointings of healthful sorrows, was from day to day healed. + +And Thou, willing first to show me how Thou resistest the proud, but +givest grace unto the humble, and by how great an act of Thy mercy Thou +hadst traced out to men the way of humility, in that Thy Word was made +flesh, and dwelt among men:--Thou procuredst for me, by means of one +puffed up with most unnatural pride, certain books of the Platonists, +translated from Greek into Latin. And therein I read, not indeed in the +very words, but to the very same purpose, enforced by many and divers +reasons, that In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, +and the Word was God: the Same was in the beginning with God: all things +were made by Him, and without Him was nothing made: that which was made +by Him is life, and the life was the light of men, and the light shineth +in the darkness, and the darkness comprehended it not. And that the soul +of man, though it bears witness to the light, yet itself is not that +light; but the Word of God, being God, is that true light that lighteth +every man that cometh into the world. And that He was in the world, and +the world was made by Him, and the world knew Him not. But, that He came +unto His own, and His own received Him not; but as many as received Him, +to them gave He power to become the sons of God, as many as believed in +His name; this I read not there. + +Again I read there, that God the Word was born not of flesh nor of +blood, nor of the will of man, nor of the will of the flesh, but of God. +But that the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, I read not there. +For I traced in those books that it was many and divers ways said, that +the Son was in the form of the Father, and thought it not robbery to be +equal with God, for that naturally He was the Same Substance. But that +He emptied Himself, taking the form of a servant, being made in the +likeness of men, and found in fashion as a man, humbled Himself, and +became obedient unto death, and that the death of the cross: wherefore +God exalted Him from the dead, and gave Him a name above every name, +that at the name of Jesus every knee should how, of things in heaven, +and things in earth, and things under the earth; and that every tongue +should confess that the Lord Jesus Christ is in the glory of God the +Father; those books have not. For that before all times and above all +times Thy Only-Begotten Son remaineth unchangeable, co-eternal with +Thee, and that of His fulness souls receive, that they may be blessed; +and that by participation of wisdom abiding in them, they are renewed, +so as to be wise, is there. But that in due time He died for the +ungodly; and that Thou sparedst not Thine Only Son, but deliveredst Him +for us all, is not there. For Thou hiddest these things from the wise, +and revealedst them to babes; that they that labour and are heavy laden +might come unto Him, and He refresh them, because He is meek and lowly +in heart; and the meek He directeth in judgment, and the gentle He +teacheth His ways, beholding our lowliness and trouble, and forgiving +all our sins. But such as are lifted up in the lofty walk of some +would-be sublimer learning, hear not Him, saying, Learn of Me, for I am +meek and lowly in heart, and ye shall find rest to your souls. Although +they knew God, yet they glorify Him not as God, nor are thankful, +but wax vain in their thoughts; and their foolish heart is darkened; +professing that they were wise, they became fools. + +And therefore did I read there also, that they had changed the glory of +Thy incorruptible nature into idols and divers shapes, into the likeness +of the image of corruptible man, and birds, and beasts, and creeping +things; namely, into that Egyptian food for which Esau lost his +birthright, for that Thy first-born people worshipped the head of a +four-footed beast instead of Thee; turning in heart back towards Egypt; +and bowing Thy image, their own soul, before the image of a calf that +eateth hay. These things found I here, but I fed not on them. For it +pleased Thee, O Lord, to take away the reproach of diminution from +Jacob, that the elder should serve the younger: and Thou calledst the +Gentiles into Thine inheritance. And I had come to Thee from among the +Gentiles; and I set my mind upon the gold which Thou willedst Thy people +to take from Egypt, seeing Thine it was, wheresoever it were. And to the +Athenians Thou saidst by Thy Apostle, that in Thee we live, move, and +have our being, as one of their own poets had said. And verily these +books came from thence. But I set not my mind on the idols of Egypt, +whom they served with Thy gold, who changed the truth of God into a lie, +and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator. + +And being thence admonished to return to myself, I entered even into my +inward self, Thou being my Guide: and able I was, for Thou wert become +my Helper. And I entered and beheld with the eye of my soul (such as +it was), above the same eye of my soul, above my mind, the Light +Unchangeable. Not this ordinary light, which all flesh may look upon, +nor as it were a greater of the same kind, as though the brightness of +this should be manifold brighter, and with its greatness take up all +space. Not such was this light, but other, yea, far other from these. +Nor was it above my soul, as oil is above water, nor yet as heaven above +earth: but above to my soul, because It made me; and I below It, because +I was made by It. He that knows the Truth, knows what that Light is; +and he that knows It, knows eternity. Love knoweth it. O Truth Who art +Eternity! and Love Who art Truth! and Eternity Who art Love! Thou art +my God, to Thee do I sigh night and day. Thee when I first knew, Thou +liftedst me up, that I might see there was what I might see, and that I +was not yet such as to see. And Thou didst beat back the weakness of my +sight, streaming forth Thy beams of light upon me most strongly, and I +trembled with love and awe: and I perceived myself to be far off from +Thee, in the region of unlikeness, as if I heard this Thy voice from on +high: "I am the food of grown men, grow, and thou shalt feed upon Me; +nor shalt thou convert Me, like the food of thy flesh into thee, but +thou shalt be converted into Me." And I learned, that Thou for iniquity +chastenest man, and Thou madest my soul to consume away like a spider. +And I said, "Is Truth therefore nothing because it is not diffused +through space finite or infinite?" And Thou criedst to me from afar: +"Yet verily, I AM that I AM." And I heard, as the heart heareth, nor had +I room to doubt, and I should sooner doubt that I live than that Truth +is not, which is clearly seen, being understood by those things which +are made. + +And I beheld the other things below Thee, and I perceived that they +neither altogether are, nor altogether are not, for they are, since +they are from Thee, but are not, because they are not what Thou art. +For that truly is which remains unchangeably. It is good then for me to +hold fast unto God; for if I remain not in Him, I cannot in myself; but +He remaining in Himself, reneweth all things. And Thou art the Lord my +God, since Thou standest not in need of my goodness. + +And it was manifested unto me, that those things be good which yet are +corrupted; which neither were they sovereignly good, nor unless they +were good could be corrupted: for if sovereignly good, they were +incorruptible, if not good at all, there were nothing in them to be +corrupted. For corruption injures, but unless it diminished goodness, it +could not injure. Either then corruption injures not, which cannot be; +or which is most certain, all which is corrupted is deprived of good. +But if they be deprived of all good, they shall cease to be. For if they +shall be, and can now no longer be corrupted, they shall be better than +before, because they shall abide incorruptibly. And what more monstrous +than to affirm things to become better by losing all their good? +Therefore, if they shall be deprived of all good, they shall no longer +be. So long therefore as they are, they are good: therefore whatsoever +is, is good. That evil then which I sought, whence it is, is not any +substance: for were it a substance, it should be good. For either +it should be an incorruptible substance, and so a chief good: or +a corruptible substance; which unless it were good, could not be +corrupted. I perceived therefore, and it was manifested to me that Thou +madest all things good, nor is there any substance at all, which Thou +madest not; and for that Thou madest not all things equal, therefore are +all things; because each is good, and altogether very good, because our +God made all things very good. + +And to Thee is nothing whatsoever evil: yea, not only to Thee, but also +to Thy creation as a whole, because there is nothing without, which may +break in, and corrupt that order which Thou hast appointed it. But in +the parts thereof some things, because unharmonising with other some, +are accounted evil: whereas those very things harmonise with others, +and are good; and in themselves are good. And all these things which +harmonise not together, do yet with the inferior part, which we call +Earth, having its own cloudy and windy sky harmonising with it. Far be +it then that I should say, "These things should not be": for should I +see nought but these, I should indeed long for the better; but still +must even for these alone praise Thee; for that Thou art to be praised, +do show from the earth, dragons, and all deeps, fire, hail, snow, +ice, and stormy wind, which fulfil Thy word; mountains, and all hills, +fruitful trees, and all cedars; beasts, and all cattle, creeping things, +and flying fowls; kings of the earth, and all people, princes, and all +judges of the earth; young men and maidens, old men and young, praise +Thy Name. But when, from heaven, these praise Thee, praise Thee, our +God, in the heights all Thy angels, all Thy hosts, sun and moon, all the +stars and light, the Heaven of heavens, and the waters that be above the +heavens, praise Thy Name; I did not now long for things better, because +I conceived of all: and with a sounder judgment I apprehended that the +things above were better than these below, but altogether better than +those above by themselves. + +There is no soundness in them, whom aught of Thy creation displeaseth: +as neither in me, when much which Thou hast made, displeased me. And +because my soul durst not be displeased at my God, it would fain not +account that Thine, which displeased it. Hence it had gone into the +opinion of two substances, and had no rest, but talked idly. And +returning thence, it had made to itself a God, through infinite measures +of all space; and thought it to be Thee, and placed it in its heart; +and had again become the temple of its own idol, to Thee abominable. But +after Thou hadst soothed my head, unknown to me, and closed mine eyes +that they should not behold vanity, I ceased somewhat of my former self, +and my frenzy was lulled to sleep; and I awoke in Thee, and saw Thee +infinite, but in another way, and this sight was not derived from the +flesh. + +And I looked back on other things; and I saw that they owed their being +to Thee; and were all bounded in Thee: but in a different way; not as +being in space; but because Thou containest all things in Thine hand +in Thy Truth; and all things are true so far as they nor is there any +falsehood, unless when that is thought to be, which is not. And I saw +that all things did harmonise, not with their places only, but with +their seasons. And that Thou, who only art Eternal, didst not begin to +work after innumerable spaces of times spent; for that all spaces of +times, both which have passed, and which shall pass, neither go nor +come, but through Thee, working and abiding. + +And I perceived and found it nothing strange, that bread which is +pleasant to a healthy palate is loathsome to one distempered: and to +sore eyes light is offensive, which to the sound is delightful. And Thy +righteousness displeaseth the wicked; much more the viper and reptiles, +which Thou hast created good, fitting in with the inferior portions of +Thy Creation, with which the very wicked also fit in; and that the more, +by how much they be unlike Thee; but with the superior creatures, by how +much they become more like to Thee. And I enquired what iniquity was, +and found it to be no substance, but the perversion of the will, turned +aside from Thee, O God, the Supreme, towards these lower things, and +casting out its bowels, and puffed up outwardly. + +And I wondered that I now loved Thee, and no phantasm for Thee. And +yet did I not press on to enjoy my God; but was borne up to Thee by Thy +beauty, and soon borne down from Thee by mine own weight, sinking with +sorrow into these inferior things. This weight was carnal custom. Yet +dwelt there with me a remembrance of Thee; nor did I any way doubt that +there was One to whom I might cleave, but that I was not yet such as to +cleave to Thee: for that the body which is corrupted presseth down the +soul, and the earthly tabernacle weigheth down the mind that museth upon +many things. And most certain I was, that Thy invisible works from the +creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things +that are made, even Thy eternal power and Godhead. For examining whence +it was that I admired the beauty of bodies celestial or terrestrial; +and what aided me in judging soundly on things mutable, and pronouncing, +"This ought to be thus, this not"; examining, I say, whence it was that +I so judged, seeing I did so judge, I had found the unchangeable and +true Eternity of Truth above my changeable mind. And thus by degrees +I passed from bodies to the soul, which through the bodily senses +perceives; and thence to its inward faculty, to which the bodily senses +represent things external, whitherto reach the faculties of beasts; and +thence again to the reasoning faculty, to which what is received from +the senses of the body, is referred to be judged. Which finding +itself also to be in me a thing variable, raised itself up to its +own understanding, and drew away my thoughts from the power of habit, +withdrawing itself from those troops of contradictory phantasms; that so +it might find what that light was whereby it was bedewed, when, without +all doubting, it cried out, "That the unchangeable was to be preferred +to the changeable"; whence also it knew That Unchangeable, which, unless +it had in some way known, it had had no sure ground to prefer it to the +changeable. And thus with the flash of one trembling glance it arrived +at THAT WHICH IS. And then I saw Thy invisible things understood by +the things which are made. But I could not fix my gaze thereon; and my +infirmity being struck back, I was thrown again on my wonted habits, +carrying along with me only a loving memory thereof, and a longing for +what I had, as it were, perceived the odour of, but was not yet able to +feed on. + +Then I sought a way of obtaining strength sufficient to enjoy Thee; and +found it not, until I embraced that Mediator betwixt God and men, the +Man Christ Jesus, who is over all, God blessed for evermore, calling +unto me, and saying, I am the way, the truth, and the life, and mingling +that food which I was unable to receive, with our flesh. For, the Word +was made flesh, that Thy wisdom, whereby Thou createdst all things, +might provide milk for our infant state. For I did not hold to my Lord +Jesus Christ, I, humbled, to the Humble; nor knew I yet whereto His +infirmity would guide us. For Thy Word, the Eternal Truth, far above the +higher parts of Thy Creation, raises up the subdued unto Itself: but +in this lower world built for Itself a lowly habitation of our clay, +whereby to abase from themselves such as would be subdued, and bring +them over to Himself; allaying their swelling, and fomenting their love; +to the end they might go on no further in self-confidence, but rather +consent to become weak, seeing before their feet the Divinity weak by +taking our coats of skin; and wearied, might cast themselves down upon +It, and It rising, might lift them up. + +But I thought otherwise; conceiving only of my Lord Christ as of a man +of excellent wisdom, whom no one could be equalled unto; especially, +for that being wonderfully born of a Virgin, He seemed, in conformity +therewith, through the Divine care for us, to have attained that great +eminence of authority, for an ensample of despising things temporal for +the obtaining of immortality. But what mystery there lay in "The Word +was made flesh," I could not even imagine. Only I had learnt out of what +is delivered to us in writing of Him that He did eat, and drink, sleep, +walk, rejoiced in spirit, was sorrowful, discoursed; that flesh did not +cleave by itself unto Thy Word, but with the human soul and mind. All +know this who know the unchangeableness of Thy Word, which I now knew, +as far as I could, nor did I at all doubt thereof. For, now to move the +limbs of the body by will, now not, now to be moved by some affection, +now not, now to deliver wise sayings through human signs, now to keep +silence, belong to soul and mind subject to variation. And should these +things be falsely written of Him, all the rest also would risk the +charge, nor would there remain in those books any saving faith for +mankind. Since then they were written truly, I acknowledged a perfect +man to be in Christ; not the body of a man only, nor, with the body, a +sensitive soul without a rational, but very man; whom, not only as being +a form of Truth, but for a certain great excellence of human nature and +a more perfect participation of wisdom, I judged to be preferred before +others. But Alypius imagined the Catholics to believe God to be so +clothed with flesh, that besides God and flesh, there was no soul at all +in Christ, and did not think that a human mind was ascribed to Him. And +because he was well persuaded that the actions recorded of Him could +only be performed by a vital and a rational creature, he moved the more +slowly towards the Christian Faith. But understanding afterwards that +this was the error of the Apollinarian heretics, he joyed in and was +conformed to the Catholic Faith. But somewhat later, I confess, did I +learn how in that saying, The Word was made flesh, the Catholic truth +is distinguished from the falsehood of Photinus. For the rejection of +heretics makes the tenets of Thy Church and sound doctrine to stand out +more clearly. For there must also be heresies, that the approved may be +made manifest among the weak. + +But having then read those books of the Platonists, and thence been +taught to search for incorporeal truth, I saw Thy invisible things, +understood by those things which are made; and though cast back, I +perceived what that was which through the darkness of my mind I was +hindered from contemplating, being assured "That Thou wert, and wert +infinite, and yet not diffused in space, finite or infinite; and that +Thou truly art Who art the same ever, in no part nor motion varying; +and that all other things are from Thee, on this most sure ground alone, +that they are." Of these things I was assured, yet too unsure to enjoy +Thee. I prated as one well skilled; but had I not sought Thy way in +Christ our Saviour, I had proved to be, not skilled, but killed. For now +I had begun to wish to seem wise, being filled with mine own punishment, +yet I did not mourn, but rather scorn, puffed up with knowledge. For +where was that charity building upon the foundation of humility, which +is Christ Jesus? or when should these books teach me it? Upon these, I +believe, Thou therefore willedst that I should fall, before I studied +Thy Scriptures, that it might be imprinted on my memory how I was +affected by them; and that afterwards when my spirits were tamed through +Thy books, and my wounds touched by Thy healing fingers, I might discern +and distinguish between presumption and confession; between those who +saw whither they were to go, yet saw not the way, and the way that +leadeth not to behold only but to dwell in the beatific country. For +had I first been formed in Thy Holy Scriptures, and hadst Thou in the +familiar use of them grown sweet unto me, and had I then fallen upon +those other volumes, they might perhaps have withdrawn me from the solid +ground of piety, or, had I continued in that healthful frame which I had +thence imbibed, I might have thought that it might have been obtained by +the study of those books alone. + +Most eagerly then did I seize that venerable writing of Thy Spirit; and +chiefly the Apostle Paul. Whereupon those difficulties vanished away, +wherein he once seemed to me to contradict himself, and the text of his +discourse not to agree with the testimonies of the Law and the Prophets. +And the face of that pure word appeared to me one and the same; and I +learned to rejoice with trembling. So I began; and whatsoever truth +I had read in those other books, I found here amid the praise of Thy +Grace; that whoso sees, may not so glory as if he had not received, not +only what he sees, but also that he sees (for what hath he, which he +hath not received?), and that he may be not only admonished to behold +Thee, who art ever the same, but also healed, to hold Thee; and that he +who cannot see afar off, may yet walk on the way, whereby he may arrive, +and behold, and hold Thee. For, though a man be delighted with the law +of God after the inner man, what shall he do with that other law in his +members which warreth against the law of his mind, and bringeth him +into captivity to the law of sin which is in his members? For, Thou art +righteous, O Lord, but we have sinned and committed iniquity, and have +done wickedly, and Thy hand is grown heavy upon us, and we are justly +delivered over unto that ancient sinner, the king of death; because +he persuaded our will to be like his will whereby he abode not in Thy +truth. What shall wretched man do? who shall deliver him from the body +of his death, but only Thy Grace, through Jesus Christ our Lord, whom +Thou hast begotten co-eternal, and formedst in the beginning of Thy +ways, in whom the prince of this world found nothing worthy of death, +yet killed he Him; and the handwriting, which was contrary to us, was +blotted out? This those writings contain not. Those pages present not +the image of this piety, the tears of confession, Thy sacrifice, a +troubled spirit, a broken and a contrite heart, the salvation of the +people, the Bridal City, the earnest of the Holy Ghost, the Cup of our +Redemption. No man sings there, Shall not my soul be submitted unto God? +for of Him cometh my salvation. For He is my God and my salvation, my +guardian, I shall no more be moved. No one there hears Him call, Come +unto Me, all ye that labour. They scorn to learn of Him, because He is +meek and lowly in heart; for these things hast Thou hid from the wise +and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes. For it is one thing, +from the mountain's shaggy top to see the land of peace, and to find no +way thither; and in vain to essay through ways unpassable, opposed and +beset by fugitives and deserters, under their captain the lion and the +dragon: and another to keep on the way that leads thither, guarded by +the host of the heavenly General; where they spoil not who have deserted +the heavenly army; for they avoid it, as very torment. These things did +wonderfully sink into my bowels, when I read that least of Thy Apostles, +and had meditated upon Thy works, and trembled exceedingly. + + + + +BOOK VIII + + +O my God, let me, with thanksgiving, remember, and confess unto Thee Thy +mercies on me. Let my bones be bedewed with Thy love, and let them say +unto Thee, Who is like unto Thee, O Lord? Thou hast broken my bonds in +sunder, I will offer unto Thee the sacrifice of thanksgiving. And how +Thou hast broken them, I will declare; and all who worship Thee, when +they hear this, shall say, "Blessed be the Lord, in heaven and in earth, +great and wonderful is his name." Thy words had stuck fast in my heart, +and I was hedged round about on all sides by Thee. Of Thy eternal life I +was now certain, though I saw it in a figure and as through a glass. Yet +I had ceased to doubt that there was an incorruptible substance, whence +was all other substance; nor did I now desire to be more certain of +Thee, but more steadfast in Thee. But for my temporal life, all was +wavering, and my heart had to be purged from the old leaven. The Way, +the Saviour Himself, well pleased me, but as yet I shrunk from going +through its straitness. And Thou didst put into my mind, and it seemed +good in my eyes, to go to Simplicianus, who seemed to me a good servant +of Thine; and Thy grace shone in him. I had heard also that from his +very youth he had lived most devoted unto Thee. Now he was grown into +years; and by reason of so great age spent in such zealous following of +Thy ways, he seemed to me likely to have learned much experience; and +so he had. Out of which store I wished that he would tell me (setting +before him my anxieties) which were the fittest way for one in my case +to walk in Thy paths. + +For, I saw the church full; and one went this way, and another that way. +But I was displeased that I led a secular life; yea now that my desires +no longer inflamed me, as of old, with hopes of honour and profit, +a very grievous burden it was to undergo so heavy a bondage. For, in +comparison of Thy sweetness, and the beauty of Thy house which I loved, +those things delighted me no longer. But still I was enthralled with +the love of woman; nor did the Apostle forbid me to marry, although he +advised me to something better, chiefly wishing that all men were as +himself was. But I being weak, chose the more indulgent place; and +because of this alone, was tossed up and down in all beside, faint and +wasted with withering cares, because in other matters I was constrained +against my will to conform myself to a married life, to which I was +given up and enthralled. I had heard from the mouth of the Truth, +that there were some eunuchs which had made themselves eunuchs for the +kingdom of heaven's sake: but, saith He, let him who can receive it, +receive it. Surely vain are all men who are ignorant of God, and could +not out of the good things which are seen, find out Him who is good. But +I was no longer in that vanity; I had surmounted it; and by the common +witness of all Thy creatures had found Thee our Creator, and Thy Word, +God with Thee, and together with Thee one God, by whom Thou createdst +all things. There is yet another kind of ungodly, who knowing God, +glorified Him not as God, neither were thankful. Into this also had +I fallen, but Thy right hand upheld me, and took me thence, and Thou +placedst me where I might recover. For Thou hast said unto man, Behold, +the fear of the Lord is wisdom, and, Desire not to seem wise; because +they who affirmed themselves to be wise, became fools. But I had now +found the goodly pearl, which, selling all that I had, I ought to have +bought, and I hesitated. + +To Simplicianus then I went, the father of Ambrose (a Bishop now) in +receiving Thy grace, and whom Ambrose truly loved as a father. To him I +related the mazes of my wanderings. But when I mentioned that I had read +certain books of the Platonists, which Victorinus, sometime Rhetoric +Professor of Rome (who had died a Christian, as I had heard), had +translated into Latin, he testified his joy that I had not fallen upon +the writings of other philosophers, full of fallacies and deceits, after +the rudiments of this world, whereas the Platonists many ways led to the +belief in God and His Word. Then to exhort me to the humility of +Christ, hidden from the wise, and revealed to little ones, he spoke of +Victorinus himself, whom while at Rome he had most intimately known: and +of him he related what I will not conceal. For it contains great praise +of Thy grace, to be confessed unto Thee, how that aged man, most learned +and skilled in the liberal sciences, and who had read, and weighed +so many works of the philosophers; the instructor of so many noble +Senators, who also, as a monument of his excellent discharge of his +office, had (which men of this world esteem a high honour) both deserved +and obtained a statue in the Roman Forum; he, to that age a worshipper +of idols, and a partaker of the sacrilegious rites, to which almost all +the nobility of Rome were given up, and had inspired the people with the +love of + + Anubis, barking Deity, and all + The monster Gods of every kind, who fought + 'Gainst Neptune, Venus, and Minerva: + +whom Rome once conquered, now adored, all which the aged Victorinus had +with thundering eloquence so many years defended;--he now blushed not +to be the child of Thy Christ, and the new-born babe of Thy fountain; +submitting his neck to the yoke of humility, and subduing his forehead +to the reproach of the Cross. + +O Lord, Lord, Which hast bowed the heavens and come down, touched the +mountains and they did smoke, by what means didst Thou convey Thyself +into that breast? He used to read (as Simplicianus said) the holy +Scripture, most studiously sought and searched into all the Christian +writings, and said to Simplicianus (not openly, but privately and as +a friend), "Understand that I am already a Christian." Whereto he +answered, "I will not believe it, nor will I rank you among Christians, +unless I see you in the Church of Christ." The other, in banter, +replied, "Do walls then make Christians?" And this he often said, that +he was already a Christian; and Simplicianus as often made the same +answer, and the conceit of the "walls" was by the other as often +renewed. For he feared to offend his friends, proud daemon-worshippers, +from the height of whose Babylonian dignity, as from cedars of Libanus, +which the Lord had not yet broken down, he supposed the weight of enmity +would fall upon him. But after that by reading and earnest thought he +had gathered firmness, and feared to be denied by Christ before the holy +angels, should he now be afraid to confess Him before men, and appeared +to himself guilty of a heavy offence, in being ashamed of the Sacraments +of the humility of Thy Word, and not being ashamed of the sacrilegious +rites of those proud daemons, whose pride he had imitated and their +rites adopted, he became bold-faced against vanity, and shame-faced +towards the truth, and suddenly and unexpectedly said to Simplicianus +(as himself told me), "Go we to the Church; I wish to be made a +Christian." But he, not containing himself for joy, went with him. And +having been admitted to the first Sacrament and become a Catechumen, not +long after he further gave in his name, that he might be regenerated by +baptism, Rome wondering, the Church rejoicing. The proud saw, and were +wroth; they gnashed with their teeth, and melted away. But the Lord +God was the hope of Thy servant, and he regarded not vanities and lying +madness. + +To conclude, when the hour was come for making profession of his faith +(which at Rome they, who are about to approach to Thy grace, deliver, +from an elevated place, in the sight of all the faithful, in a set +form of words committed to memory), the presbyters, he said, offered +Victorinus (as was done to such as seemed likely through bashfulness to +be alarmed) to make his profession more privately: but he chose rather +to profess his salvation in the presence of the holy multitude. "For +it was not salvation that he taught in rhetoric, and yet that he had +publicly professed: how much less then ought he, when pronouncing Thy +word, to dread Thy meek flock, who, when delivering his own words, +had not feared a mad multitude!" When, then, he went up to make his +profession, all, as they knew him, whispered his name one to another +with the voice of congratulation. And who there knew him not? and there +ran a low murmur through all the mouths of the rejoicing multitude, +Victorinus! Victorinus! Sudden was the burst of rapture, that they saw +him; suddenly were they hushed that they might hear him. He pronounced +the true faith with an excellent boldness, and all wished to draw him +into their very heart; yea by their love and joy they drew him thither, +such were the hands wherewith they drew him. + +Good God! what takes place in man, that he should more rejoice at the +salvation of a soul despaired of, and freed from greater peril, than if +there had always been hope of him, or the danger had been less? For so +Thou also, merciful Father, dost more rejoice over one penitent than +over ninety-nine just persons that need no repentance. And with much +joyfulness do we hear, so often as we hear with what joy the sheep which +had strayed is brought back upon the shepherd's shoulder, and the groat +is restored to Thy treasury, the neighbours rejoicing with the woman +who found it; and the joy of the solemn service of Thy house forceth +to tears, when in Thy house it is read of Thy younger son, that he was +dead, and liveth again; had been lost, and is found. For Thou rejoicest +in us, and in Thy holy angels, holy through holy charity. For Thou art +ever the same; for all things which abide not the same nor for ever, +Thou for ever knowest in the same way. + +What then takes place in the soul, when it is more delighted at finding +or recovering the things it loves, than if it had ever had them? yea, +and other things witness hereunto; and all things are full of witnesses, +crying out, "So is it." The conquering commander triumpheth; yet had he +not conquered unless he had fought; and the more peril there was in the +battle, so much the more joy is there in the triumph. The storm tosses +the sailors, threatens shipwreck; all wax pale at approaching death; +sky and sea are calmed, and they are exceeding joyed, as having been +exceeding afraid. A friend is sick, and his pulse threatens danger; all +who long for his recovery are sick in mind with him. He is restored, +though as yet he walks not with his former strength; yet there is such +joy, as was not, when before he walked sound and strong. Yea, the very +pleasures of human life men acquire by difficulties, not those only +which fall upon us unlooked for, and against our wills, but even by +self-chosen, and pleasure-seeking trouble. Eating and drinking have no +pleasure, unless there precede the pinching of hunger and thirst. Men, +given to drink, eat certain salt meats, to procure a troublesome heat, +which the drink allaying, causes pleasure. It is also ordered that the +affianced bride should not at once be given, lest as a husband he should +hold cheap whom, as betrothed, he sighed not after. + +This law holds in foul and accursed joy; this in permitted and lawful +joy; this in the very purest perfection of friendship; this, in him who +was dead, and lived again; had been lost and was found. Every where the +greater joy is ushered in by the greater pain. What means this, O Lord +my God, whereas Thou art everlastingly joy to Thyself, and some things +around Thee evermore rejoice in Thee? What means this, that this portion +of things thus ebbs and flows alternately displeased and reconciled? +Is this their allotted measure? Is this all Thou hast assigned to them, +whereas from the highest heavens to the lowest earth, from the beginning +of the world to the end of ages, from the angel to the worm, from the +first motion to the last, Thou settest each in its place, and realisest +each in their season, every thing good after its kind? Woe is me! how +high art Thou in the highest, and how deep in the deepest! and Thou +never departest, and we scarcely return to Thee. + +Up, Lord, and do; stir us up, and recall us; kindle and draw us; +inflame, grow sweet unto us, let us now love, let us run. Do not many, +out of a deeper hell of blindness than Victorinus, return to Thee, +approach, and are enlightened, receiving that Light, which they who +receive, receive power from Thee to become Thy sons? But if they be less +known to the nations, even they that know them, joy less for them. For +when many joy together, each also has more exuberant joy for that they +are kindled and inflamed one by the other. Again, because those known to +many, influence the more towards salvation, and lead the way with many +to follow. And therefore do they also who preceded them much rejoice in +them, because they rejoice not in them alone. For far be it, that in Thy +tabernacle the persons of the rich should be accepted before the poor, +or the noble before the ignoble; seeing rather Thou hast chosen the weak +things of the world to confound the strong; and the base things of this +world, and the things despised hast Thou chosen, and those things which +are not, that Thou mightest bring to nought things that are. And yet +even that least of Thy apostles, by whose tongue Thou soundedst forth +these words, when through his warfare, Paulus the Proconsul, his pride +conquered, was made to pass under the easy yoke of Thy Christ, and +became a provincial of the great King; he also for his former name Saul, +was pleased to be called Paul, in testimony of so great a victory. For +the enemy is more overcome in one, of whom he hath more hold; by whom +he hath hold of more. But the proud he hath more hold of, through their +nobility; and by them, of more through their authority. By how much the +more welcome then the heart of Victorinus was esteemed, which the devil +had held as an impregnable possession, the tongue of Victorinus, +with which mighty and keen weapon he had slain many; so much the more +abundantly ought Thy sons to rejoice, for that our King hath bound the +strong man, and they saw his vessels taken from him and cleansed, and +made meet for Thy honour; and become serviceable for the Lord, unto +every good work. + +But when that man of Thine, Simplicianus, related to me this of +Victorinus, I was on fire to imitate him; for for this very end had +he related it. But when he had subjoined also, how in the days of the +Emperor Julian a law was made, whereby Christians were forbidden to +teach the liberal sciences or oratory; and how he, obeying this law, +chose rather to give over the wordy school than Thy Word, by which +Thou makest eloquent the tongues of the dumb; he seemed to me not more +resolute than blessed, in having thus found opportunity to wait on Thee +only. Which thing I was sighing for, bound as I was, not with another's +irons, but by my own iron will. My will the enemy held, and thence had +made a chain for me, and bound me. For of a forward will, was a lust +made; and a lust served, became custom; and custom not resisted, became +necessity. By which links, as it were, joined together (whence I called +it a chain) a hard bondage held me enthralled. But that new will which +had begun to be in me, freely to serve Thee, and to wish to enjoy Thee, +O God, the only assured pleasantness, was not yet able to overcome my +former wilfulness, strengthened by age. Thus did my two wills, one new, +and the other old, one carnal, the other spiritual, struggle within me; +and by their discord, undid my soul. + +Thus, I understood, by my own experience, what I had read, how the flesh +lusteth against the spirit and the spirit against the flesh. Myself +verily either way; yet more myself, in that which I approved in myself, +than in that which in myself I disapproved. For in this last, it was now +for the more part not myself, because in much I rather endured against +my will, than acted willingly. And yet it was through me that custom had +obtained this power of warring against me, because I had come willingly, +whither I willed not. And who has any right to speak against it, if just +punishment follow the sinner? Nor had I now any longer my former plea, +that I therefore as yet hesitated to be above the world and serve Thee, +for that the truth was not altogether ascertained to me; for now it too +was. But I still under service to the earth, refused to fight under Thy +banner, and feared as much to be freed of all incumbrances, as we should +fear to be encumbered with it. Thus with the baggage of this present +world was I held down pleasantly, as in sleep: and the thoughts wherein +I meditated on Thee were like the efforts of such as would awake, who +yet overcome with a heavy drowsiness, are again drenched therein. And as +no one would sleep for ever, and in all men's sober judgment waking is +better, yet a man for the most part, feeling a heavy lethargy in all his +limbs, defers to shake off sleep, and though half displeased, yet, even +after it is time to rise, with pleasure yields to it, so was I assured +that much better were it for me to give myself up to Thy charity, than +to give myself over to mine own cupidity; but though the former course +satisfied me and gained the mastery, the latter pleased me and held me +mastered. Nor had I any thing to answer Thee calling to me, Awake, +thou that sleepest, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give thee +light. And when Thou didst on all sides show me that what Thou saidst +was true, I, convicted by the truth, had nothing at all to answer, but +only those dull and drowsy words, "Anon, anon," "presently," "leave +me but a little." But "presently, presently," had no present, and my +"little while" went on for a long while; in vain I delighted in Thy +law according to the inner man, when another law in my members rebelled +against the law of my mind, and led me captive under the law of sin +which was in my members. For the law of sin is the violence of custom, +whereby the mind is drawn and holden, even against its will; but +deservedly, for that it willingly fell into it. Who then should deliver +me thus wretched from the body of this death, but Thy grace only, +through Jesus Christ our Lord? + +And how Thou didst deliver me out of the bonds of desire, wherewith I +was bound most straitly to carnal concupiscence, and out of the drudgery +of worldly things, I will now declare, and confess unto Thy name, O +Lord, my helper and my redeemer. Amid increasing anxiety, I was doing +my wonted business, and daily sighing unto Thee. I attended Thy Church, +whenever free from the business under the burden of which I groaned. +Alypius was with me, now after the third sitting released from his law +business, and awaiting to whom to sell his counsel, as I sold the skill +of speaking, if indeed teaching can impart it. Nebridius had now, in +consideration of our friendship, consented to teach under Verecundus, a +citizen and a grammarian of Milan, and a very intimate friend of us all; +who urgently desired, and by the right of friendship challenged from our +company, such faithful aid as he greatly needed. Nebridius then was not +drawn to this by any desire of advantage (for he might have made much +more of his learning had he so willed), but as a most kind and gentle +friend, he would not be wanting to a good office, and slight our +request. But he acted herein very discreetly, shunning to become known +to personages great according to this world, avoiding the distraction +of mind thence ensuing, and desiring to have it free and at leisure, as +many hours as might be, to seek, or read, or hear something concerning +wisdom. + +Upon a day then, Nebridius being absent (I recollect not why), lo, there +came to see me and Alypius, one Pontitianus, our countryman so far as +being an African, in high office in the Emperor's court. What he would +with us, I know not, but we sat down to converse, and it happened that +upon a table for some game, before us, he observed a book, took, opened +it, and contrary to his expectation, found it the Apostle Paul; for he +thought it some of those books which I was wearing myself in teaching. +Whereat smiling, and looking at me, he expressed his joy and wonder that +he had on a sudden found this book, and this only before my eyes. For he +was a Christian, and baptised, and often bowed himself before Thee our +God in the Church, in frequent and continued prayers. When then I had +told him that I bestowed very great pains upon those Scriptures, a +conversation arose (suggested by his account) on Antony the Egyptian +monk: whose name was in high reputation among Thy servants, though to +that hour unknown to us. Which when he discovered, he dwelt the more +upon that subject, informing and wondering at our ignorance of one so +eminent. But we stood amazed, hearing Thy wonderful works most fully +attested, in times so recent, and almost in our own, wrought in the true +Faith and Church Catholic. We all wondered; we, that they were so great, +and he, that they had not reached us. + +Thence his discourse turned to the flocks in the monasteries, and their +holy ways, a sweet-smelling savour unto Thee, and the fruitful deserts +of the wilderness, whereof we knew nothing. And there was a monastery +at Milan, full of good brethren, without the city walls, under the +fostering care of Ambrose, and we knew it not. He went on with his +discourse, and we listened in intent silence. He told us then how one +afternoon at Triers, when the Emperor was taken up with the Circensian +games, he and three others, his companions, went out to walk in gardens +near the city walls, and there as they happened to walk in pairs, one +went apart with him, and the other two wandered by themselves; and +these, in their wanderings, lighted upon a certain cottage, inhabited +by certain of Thy servants, poor in spirit, of whom is the kingdom +of heaven, and there they found a little book containing the life of +Antony. This one of them began to read, admire, and kindle at it; and +as he read, to meditate on taking up such a life, and giving over his +secular service to serve Thee. And these two were of those whom they +style agents for the public affairs. Then suddenly, filled with a holy +love, and a sober shame, in anger with himself cast his eyes upon his +friend, saying, "Tell me, I pray thee, what would we attain by all these +labours of ours? what aim we at? what serve we for? Can our hopes in +court rise higher than to be the Emperor's favourites? and in this, what +is there not brittle, and full of perils? and by how many perils arrive +we at a greater peril? and when arrive we thither? But a friend of God, +if I wish it, I become now at once." So spake he. And in pain with the +travail of a new life, he turned his eyes again upon the book, and +read on, and was changed inwardly, where Thou sawest, and his mind was +stripped of the world, as soon appeared. For as he read, and rolled up +and down the waves of his heart, he stormed at himself a while, then +discerned, and determined on a better course; and now being Thine, said +to his friend, "Now have I broken loose from those our hopes, and am +resolved to serve God; and this, from this hour, in this place, I begin +upon. If thou likest not to imitate me, oppose not." The other answered, +he would cleave to him, to partake so glorious a reward, so glorious +a service. Thus both being now Thine, were building the tower at the +necessary cost, the forsaking all that they had, and following Thee. +Then Pontitianus and the other with him, that had walked in other parts +of the garden, came in search of them to the same place; and finding +them, reminded them to return, for the day was now far spent. But they +relating their resolution and purpose, and how that will was begun and +settled in them, begged them, if they would not join, not to molest +them. But the others, though nothing altered from their former selves, +did yet bewail themselves (as he affirmed), and piously congratulated +them, recommending themselves to their prayers; and so, with hearts +lingering on the earth, went away to the palace. But the other two, +fixing their heart on heaven, remained in the cottage. And both had +affianced brides, who when they heard hereof, also dedicated their +virginity unto God. + +Such was the story of Pontitianus; but Thou, O Lord, while he was +speaking, didst turn me round towards myself, taking me from behind my +back where I had placed me, unwilling to observe myself; and setting +me before my face, that I might see how foul I was, how crooked and +defiled, bespotted and ulcerous. And I beheld and stood aghast; and +whither to flee from myself I found not. And if I sought to turn mine +eye from off myself, he went on with his relation, and Thou again didst +set me over against myself, and thrustedst me before my eyes, that I +might find out mine iniquity, and hate it. I had known it, but made as +though I saw it not, winked at it, and forgot it. + +But now, the more ardently I loved those whose healthful affections I +heard of, that they had resigned themselves wholly to Thee to be cured, +the more did I abhor myself, when compared with them. For many of my +years (some twelve) had now run out with me since my nineteenth, when, +upon the reading of Cicero's Hortensius, I was stirred to an earnest +love of wisdom; and still I was deferring to reject mere earthly +felicity, and give myself to search out that, whereof not the finding +only, but the very search, was to be preferred to the treasures and +kingdoms of the world, though already found, and to the pleasures of the +body, though spread around me at my will. But I wretched, most wretched, +in the very commencement of my early youth, had begged chastity of Thee, +and said, "Give me chastity and continency, only not yet." For I feared +lest Thou shouldest hear me soon, and soon cure me of the disease +of concupiscence, which I wished to have satisfied, rather than +extinguished. And I had wandered through crooked ways in a sacrilegious +superstition, not indeed assured thereof, but as preferring it to the +others which I did not seek religiously, but opposed maliciously. + +And I had thought that I therefore deferred from day to day to reject +the hopes of this world, and follow Thee only, because there did not +appear aught certain, whither to direct my course. And now was the day +come wherein I was to be laid bare to myself, and my conscience was +to upbraid me. "Where art thou now, my tongue? Thou saidst that for an +uncertain truth thou likedst not to cast off the baggage of vanity; now, +it is certain, and yet that burden still oppresseth thee, while they who +neither have so worn themselves out with seeking it, nor for often years +and more have been thinking thereon, have had their shoulders lightened, +and received wings to fly away." Thus was I gnawed within, and +exceedingly confounded with a horrible shame, while Pontitianus was so +speaking. And he having brought to a close his tale and the business +he came for, went his way; and I into myself. What said I not against +myself? with what scourges of condemnation lashed I not my soul, that it +might follow me, striving to go after Thee! Yet it drew back; refused, +but excused not itself. All arguments were spent and confuted; there +remained a mute shrinking; and she feared, as she would death, to be +restrained from the flux of that custom, whereby she was wasting to +death. + +Then in this great contention of my inward dwelling, which I had +strongly raised against my soul, in the chamber of my heart, troubled in +mind and countenance, I turned upon Alypius. "What ails us?" I exclaim: +"what is it? what heardest thou? The unlearned start up and take heaven +by force, and we with our learning, and without heart, lo, where we +wallow in flesh and blood! Are we ashamed to follow, because others +are gone before, and not ashamed not even to follow?" Some such words I +uttered, and my fever of mind tore me away from him, while he, gazing on +me in astonishment, kept silence. For it was not my wonted tone; and my +forehead, cheeks, eyes, colour, tone of voice, spake my mind more than +the words I uttered. A little garden there was to our lodging, which we +had the use of, as of the whole house; for the master of the house, our +host, was not living there. Thither had the tumult of my breast hurried +me, where no man might hinder the hot contention wherein I had engaged +with myself, until it should end as Thou knewest, I knew not. Only I +was healthfully distracted and dying, to live; knowing what evil thing I +was, and not knowing what good thing I was shortly to become. I retired +then into the garden, and Alypius, on my steps. For his presence did not +lessen my privacy; or how could he forsake me so disturbed? We sate down +as far removed as might be from the house. I was troubled in spirit, +most vehemently indignant that I entered not into Thy will and covenant, +O my God, which all my bones cried out unto me to enter, and praised it +to the skies. And therein we enter not by ships, or chariots, or feet, +no, move not so far as I had come from the house to that place where we +were sitting. For, not to go only, but to go in thither was nothing else +but to will to go, but to will resolutely and thoroughly; not to turn +and toss, this way and that, a maimed and half-divided will, struggling, +with one part sinking as another rose. + +Lastly, in the very fever of my irresoluteness, I made with my body many +such motions as men sometimes would, but cannot, if either they have not +the limbs, or these be bound with bands, weakened with infirmity, or +any other way hindered. Thus, if I tore my hair, beat my forehead, if +locking my fingers I clasped my knee; I willed, I did it. But I might +have willed, and not done it; if the power of motion in my limbs had not +obeyed. So many things then I did, when "to will" was not in itself "to +be able"; and I did not what both I longed incomparably more to do, and +which soon after, when I should will, I should be able to do; because +soon after, when I should will, I should will thoroughly. For in these +things the ability was one with the will, and to will was to do; and yet +was it not done: and more easily did my body obey the weakest willing of +my soul, in moving its limbs at its nod, than the soul obeyed itself to +accomplish in the will alone this its momentous will. + +Whence is this monstrousness? and to what end? Let Thy mercy gleam that +I may ask, if so be the secret penalties of men, and those darkest +pangs of the sons of Adam, may perhaps answer me. Whence is this +monstrousness? and to what end? The mind commands the body, and it obeys +instantly; the mind commands itself, and is resisted. The mind commands +the hand to be moved; and such readiness is there, that command is +scarce distinct from obedience. Yet the mind is mind, the hand is body. +The mind commands the mind, its own self, to will, and yet it doth not. +Whence this monstrousness? and to what end? It commands itself, I say, +to will, and would not command, unless it willed, and what it commands +is not done. But it willeth not entirely: therefore doth it not command +entirely. For so far forth it commandeth, as it willeth: and, so far +forth is the thing commanded, not done, as it willeth not. For the will +commandeth that there be a will; not another, but itself. But it doth +not command entirely, therefore what it commandeth, is not. For were +the will entire, it would not even command it to be, because it would +already be. It is therefore no monstrousness partly to will, partly to +nill, but a disease of the mind, that it doth not wholly rise, by truth +upborne, borne down by custom. And therefore are there two wills, for +that one of them is not entire: and what the one lacketh, the other +hath. + +Let them perish from Thy presence, O God, as perish vain talkers and +seducers of the soul: who observing that in deliberating there were two +wills, affirm that there are two minds in us of two kinds, one good, the +other evil. Themselves are truly evil, when they hold these evil things; +and themselves shall become good when they hold the truth and assent +unto the truth, that Thy Apostle may say to them, Ye were sometimes +darkness, but now light in the Lord. But they, wishing to be light, not +in the Lord, but in themselves, imagining the nature of the soul to +be that which God is, are made more gross darkness through a dreadful +arrogancy; for that they went back farther from Thee, the true Light +that enlightened every man that cometh into the world. Take heed what +you say, and blush for shame: draw near unto Him and be enlightened, +and your faces shall not be ashamed. Myself when I was deliberating +upon serving the Lord my God now, as I had long purposed, it was I who +willed, I who nilled, I, I myself. I neither willed entirely, nor nilled +entirely. Therefore was I at strife with myself, and rent asunder by +myself. And this rent befell me against my will, and yet indicated, not +the presence of another mind, but the punishment of my own. Therefore it +was no more I that wrought it, but sin that dwelt in me; the punishment +of a sin more freely committed, in that I was a son of Adam. + +For if there be so many contrary natures as there be conflicting wills, +there shall now be not two only, but many. If a man deliberate whether +he should go to their conventicle or to the theatre, these Manichees +cry out, Behold, here are two natures: one good, draws this way; another +bad, draws back that way. For whence else is this hesitation between +conflicting wills? But I say that both be bad: that which draws to them, +as that which draws back to the theatre. But they believe not that +will to be other than good, which draws to them. What then if one of us +should deliberate, and amid the strife of his two wills be in a strait, +whether he should go to the theatre or to our church? would not these +Manichees also be in a strait what to answer? For either they must +confess (which they fain would not) that the will which leads to our +church is good, as well as theirs, who have received and are held by the +mysteries of theirs: or they must suppose two evil natures, and two evil +souls conflicting in one man, and it will not be true, which they say, +that there is one good and another bad; or they must be converted to the +truth, and no more deny that where one deliberates, one soul fluctuates +between contrary wills. + +Let them no more say then, when they perceive two conflicting wills +in one man, that the conflict is between two contrary souls, of two +contrary substances, from two contrary principles, one good, and the +other bad. For Thou, O true God, dost disprove, check, and convict them; +as when, both wills being bad, one deliberates whether he should kill +a man by poison or by the sword; whether he should seize this or that +estate of another's, when he cannot both; whether he should purchase +pleasure by luxury, or keep his money by covetousness; whether he go to +the circus or the theatre, if both be open on one day; or thirdly, to +rob another's house, if he have the opportunity; or, fourthly, to commit +adultery, if at the same time he have the means thereof also; all these +meeting together in the same juncture of time, and all being equally +desired, which cannot at one time be acted: for they rend the mind +amid four, or even (amid the vast variety of things desired) more, +conflicting wills, nor do they yet allege that there are so many divers +substances. So also in wills which are good. For I ask them, is it good +to take pleasure in reading the Apostle? or good to take pleasure in +a sober Psalm? or good to discourse on the Gospel? They will answer to +each, "it is good." What then if all give equal pleasure, and all at +once? Do not divers wills distract the mind, while he deliberates which +he should rather choose? yet are they all good, and are at variance till +one be chosen, whither the one entire will may be borne, which before +was divided into many. Thus also, when, above, eternity delights us, and +the pleasure of temporal good holds us down below, it is the same soul +which willeth not this or that with an entire will; and therefore is +rent asunder with grievous perplexities, while out of truth it sets this +first, but out of habit sets not that aside. + +Thus soul-sick was I, and tormented, accusing myself much more severely +than my wont, rolling and turning me in my chain, till that were wholly +broken, whereby I now was but just, but still was, held. And Thou, O +Lord, pressedst upon me in my inward parts by a severe mercy, redoubling +the lashes of fear and shame, lest I should again give way, and not +bursting that same slight remaining tie, it should recover strength, and +bind me the faster. For I said with myself, "Be it done now, be it done +now." And as I spake, I all but enacted it: I all but did it, and did +it not: yet sunk not back to my former state, but kept my stand hard by, +and took breath. And I essayed again, and wanted somewhat less of it, +and somewhat less, and all but touched, and laid hold of it; and yet +came not at it, nor touched nor laid hold of it; hesitating to die to +death and to live to life: and the worse whereto I was inured, prevailed +more with me than the better whereto I was unused: and the very moment +wherein I was to become other than I was, the nearer it approached me, +the greater horror did it strike into me; yet did it not strike me back, +nor turned me away, but held me in suspense. + +The very toys of toys, and vanities of vanities, my ancient mistresses, +still held me; they plucked my fleshy garment, and whispered softly, +"Dost thou cast us off? and from that moment shall we no more be with +thee for ever? and from that moment shall not this or that be lawful +for thee for ever?" And what was it which they suggested in that I said, +"this or that," what did they suggest, O my God? Let Thy mercy turn it +away from the soul of Thy servant. What defilements did they suggest! +what shame! And now I much less than half heard them, and not openly +showing themselves and contradicting me, but muttering as it were behind +my back, and privily plucking me, as I was departing, but to look back +on them. Yet they did retard me, so that I hesitated to burst and +shake myself free from them, and to spring over whither I was called; +a violent habit saying to me, "Thinkest thou, thou canst live without +them?" + +But now it spake very faintly. For on that side whither I had set my +face, and whither I trembled to go, there appeared unto me the chaste +dignity of Continency, serene, yet not relaxedly, gay, honestly alluring +me to come and doubt not; and stretching forth to receive and embrace +me, her holy hands full of multitudes of good examples: there were so +many young men and maidens here, a multitude of youth and every age, +grave widows and aged virgins; and Continence herself in all, not +barren, but a fruitful mother of children of joys, by Thee her Husband, +O Lord. And she smiled on me with a persuasive mockery, as would she +say, "Canst not thou what these youths, what these maidens can? or can +they either in themselves, and not rather in the Lord their God? The +Lord their God gave me unto them. Why standest thou in thyself, and +so standest not? cast thyself upon Him, fear not He will not withdraw +Himself that thou shouldest fall; cast thyself fearlessly upon Him, He +will receive, and will heal thee." And I blushed exceedingly, for that +I yet heard the muttering of those toys, and hung in suspense. And she +again seemed to say, "Stop thine ears against those thy unclean members +on the earth, that they may be mortified. They tell thee of delights, +but not as doth the law of the Lord thy God." This controversy in my +heart was self against self only. But Alypius sitting close by my side, +in silence waited the issue of my unwonted emotion. + +But when a deep consideration had from the secret bottom of my soul +drawn together and heaped up all my misery in the sight of my heart; +there arose a mighty storm, bringing a mighty shower of tears. Which +that I might pour forth wholly, in its natural expressions, I rose from +Alypius: solitude was suggested to me as fitter for the business of +weeping; so I retired so far that even his presence could not be a +burden to me. Thus was it then with me, and he perceived something of +it; for something I suppose I had spoken, wherein the tones of my voice +appeared choked with weeping, and so had risen up. He then remained +where we were sitting, most extremely astonished. I cast myself down I +know not how, under a certain fig-tree, giving full vent to my tears; +and the floods of mine eyes gushed out an acceptable sacrifice to Thee. +And, not indeed in these words, yet to this purpose, spake I much unto +Thee: and Thou, O Lord, how long? how long, Lord, wilt Thou be angry for +ever? Remember not our former iniquities, for I felt that I was held by +them. I sent up these sorrowful words: How long, how long, "tomorrow, +and tomorrow?" Why not now? why not is there this hour an end to my +uncleanness? + +So was I speaking and weeping in the most bitter contrition of my heart, +when, lo! I heard from a neighbouring house a voice, as of boy or girl, +I know not, chanting, and oft repeating, "Take up and read; Take up and +read." Instantly, my countenance altered, I began to think most intently +whether children were wont in any kind of play to sing such words: nor +could I remember ever to have heard the like. So checking the torrent +of my tears, I arose; interpreting it to be no other than a command from +God to open the book, and read the first chapter I should find. For I +had heard of Antony, that coming in during the reading of the Gospel, +he received the admonition, as if what was being read was spoken to him: +Go, sell all that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have +treasure in heaven, and come and follow me: and by such oracle he was +forthwith converted unto Thee. Eagerly then I returned to the place +where Alypius was sitting; for there had I laid the volume of the +Apostle when I arose thence. I seized, opened, and in silence read that +section on which my eyes first fell: Not in rioting and drunkenness, not +in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying; but put ye +on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, in +concupiscence. No further would I read; nor needed I: for instantly at +the end of this sentence, by a light as it were of serenity infused into +my heart, all the darkness of doubt vanished away. + +Then putting my finger between, or some other mark, I shut the volume, +and with a calmed countenance made it known to Alypius. And what was +wrought in him, which I knew not, he thus showed me. He asked to see +what I had read: I showed him; and he looked even further than I had +read, and I knew not what followed. This followed, him that is weak in +the faith, receive; which he applied to himself, and disclosed to me. +And by this admonition was he strengthened; and by a good resolution and +purpose, and most corresponding to his character, wherein he did always +very far differ from me, for the better, without any turbulent delay he +joined me. Thence we go in to my mother; we tell her; she rejoiceth: we +relate in order how it took place; she leaps for joy, and triumpheth, +and blesseth Thee, Who are able to do above that which we ask or think; +for she perceived that Thou hadst given her more for me, than she +was wont to beg by her pitiful and most sorrowful groanings. For thou +convertedst me unto Thyself, so that I sought neither wife, nor any hope +of this world, standing in that rule of faith, where Thou hadst showed +me unto her in a vision, so many years before. And Thou didst convert +her mourning into joy, much more plentiful than she had desired, and +in a much more precious and purer way than she erst required, by having +grandchildren of my body. + + + + +BOOK IX + + +O Lord, I am Thy servant; I am Thy servant, and the son of Thy handmaid: +Thou hast broken my bonds in sunder. I will offer to Thee the sacrifice +of praise. Let my heart and my tongue praise Thee; yea, let all my bones +say, O Lord, who is like unto Thee? Let them say, and answer Thou me, +and say unto my soul, I am thy salvation. Who am I, and what am I? What +evil have not been either my deeds, or if not my deeds, my words, or if +not my words, my will? But Thou, O Lord, are good and merciful, and Thy +right hand had respect unto the depth of my death, and from the bottom +of my heart emptied that abyss of corruption. And this Thy whole gift +was, to nill what I willed, and to will what Thou willedst. But where +through all those years, and out of what low and deep recess was my +free-will called forth in a moment, whereby to submit my neck to Thy +easy yoke, and my shoulders unto Thy light burden, O Christ Jesus, my +Helper and my Redeemer? How sweet did it at once become to me, to want +the sweetnesses of those toys! and what I feared to be parted from, was +now a joy to part with. For Thou didst cast them forth from me, Thou +true and highest sweetness. Thou castest them forth, and for them +enteredst in Thyself, sweeter than all pleasure, though not to flesh and +blood; brighter than all light, but more hidden than all depths, higher +than all honour, but not to the high in their own conceits. Now was my +soul free from the biting cares of canvassing and getting, and weltering +in filth, and scratching off the itch of lust. And my infant tongue +spake freely to Thee, my brightness, and my riches, and my health, the +Lord my God. + +And I resolved in Thy sight, not tumultuously to tear, but gently to +withdraw, the service of my tongue from the marts of lip-labour: that +the young, no students in Thy law, nor in Thy peace, but in lying +dotages and law-skirmishes, should no longer buy at my mouth arms for +their madness. And very seasonably, it now wanted but very few days unto +the Vacation of the Vintage, and I resolved to endure them, then in a +regular way to take my leave, and having been purchased by Thee, no +more to return for sale. Our purpose then was known to Thee; but to men, +other than our own friends, was it not known. For we had agreed among +ourselves not to let it out abroad to any: although to us, now ascending +from the valley of tears, and singing that song of degrees, Thou hadst +given sharp arrows, and destroying coals against the subtle tongue, +which as though advising for us, would thwart, and would out of love +devour us, as it doth its meat. + +Thou hadst pierced our hearts with Thy charity, and we carried Thy words +as it were fixed in our entrails: and the examples of Thy servants, +whom for black Thou hadst made bright, and for dead, alive, being piled +together in the receptacle of our thoughts, kindled and burned up that +our heavy torpor, that we should not sink down to the abyss; and they +fired us so vehemently, that all the blasts of subtle tongues from +gainsayers might only inflame us the more fiercely, not extinguish +us. Nevertheless, because for Thy Name's sake which Thou hast hallowed +throughout the earth, this our vow and purpose might also find some to +commend it, it seemed like ostentation not to wait for the vacation now +so near, but to quit beforehand a public profession, which was before +the eyes of all; so that all looking on this act of mine, and observing +how near was the time of vintage which I wished to anticipate, would +talk much of me, as if I had desired to appear some great one. And what +end had it served me, that people should repute and dispute upon my +purpose, and that our good should be evil spoken of. + +Moreover, it had at first troubled me that in this very summer my lungs +began to give way, amid too great literary labour, and to breathe deeply +with difficulty, and by the pain in my chest to show that they were +injured, and to refuse any full or lengthened speaking; this had +troubled me, for it almost constrained me of necessity to lay down that +burden of teaching, or, if I could be cured and recover, at least to +intermit it. But when the full wish for leisure, that I might see +how that Thou art the Lord, arose, and was fixed, in me; my God, Thou +knowest, I began even to rejoice that I had this secondary, and that +no feigned, excuse, which might something moderate the offence taken by +those who, for their sons' sake, wished me never to have the freedom of +Thy sons. Full then of such joy, I endured till that interval of time +were run; it may have been some twenty days, yet they were endured +manfully; endured, for the covetousness which aforetime bore a part of +this heavy business, had left me, and I remained alone, and had been +overwhelmed, had not patience taken its place. Perchance, some of Thy +servants, my brethren, may say that I sinned in this, that with a heart +fully set on Thy service, I suffered myself to sit even one hour in the +chair of lies. Nor would I be contentious. But hast not Thou, O most +merciful Lord, pardoned and remitted this sin also, with my other most +horrible and deadly sins, in the holy water? + +Verecundus was worn down with care about this our blessedness, for that +being held back by bonds, whereby he was most straitly bound, he saw +that he should be severed from us. For himself was not yet a Christian, +his wife one of the faithful; and yet hereby, more rigidly than by any +other chain, was he let and hindered from the journey which we had now +essayed. For he would not, he said, be a Christian on any other terms +than on those he could not. However, he offered us courteously to remain +at his country-house so long as we should stay there. Thou, O Lord, +shalt reward him in the resurrection of the just, seeing Thou hast +already given him the lot of the righteous. For although, in our +absence, being now at Rome, he was seized with bodily sickness, and +therein being made a Christian, and one of the faithful, he departed +this life; yet hadst Thou mercy not on him only, but on us also: lest +remembering the exceeding kindness of our friend towards us, yet unable +to number him among Thy flock, we should be agonised with intolerable +sorrow. Thanks unto Thee, our God, we are Thine: Thy suggestions +and consolations tell us, Faithful in promises, Thou now requitest +Verecundus for his country-house of Cassiacum, where from the fever +of the world we reposed in Thee, with the eternal freshness of Thy +Paradise: for that Thou hast forgiven him his sins upon earth, in that +rich mountain, that mountain which yieldeth milk, Thine own mountain. + +He then had at that time sorrow, but Nebridius joy. For although he +also, not being yet a Christian, had fallen into the pit of that most +pernicious error, believing the flesh of Thy Son to be a phantom: yet +emerging thence, he believed as we did; not as yet endued with any +Sacraments of Thy Church, but a most ardent searcher out of truth. Whom, +not long after our conversion and regeneration by Thy Baptism, being +also a faithful member of the Church Catholic, and serving Thee in +perfect chastity and continence amongst his people in Africa, his whole +house having through him first been made Christian, didst Thou release +from the flesh; and now he lives in Abraham's bosom. Whatever that be, +which is signified by that bosom, there lives my Nebridius, my sweet +friend, and Thy child, O Lord, adopted of a freed man: there he liveth. +For what other place is there for such a soul? There he liveth, whereof +he asked much of me, a poor inexperienced man. Now lays he not his ear +to my mouth, but his spiritual mouth unto Thy fountain, and drinketh as +much as he can receive, wisdom in proportion to his thirst, endlessly +happy. Nor do I think that he is so inebriated therewith, as to forget +me; seeing Thou, Lord, Whom he drinketh, art mindful of us. So were +we then, comforting Verecundus, who sorrowed, as far as friendship +permitted, that our conversion was of such sort; and exhorting him to +become faithful, according to his measure, namely, of a married estate; +and awaiting Nebridius to follow us, which, being so near, he was all +but doing: and so, lo! those days rolled by at length; for long and many +they seemed, for the love I bare to the easeful liberty, that I might +sing to Thee, from my inmost marrow, My heart hath said unto Thee, I +have sought Thy face: Thy face, Lord, will I seek. + +Now was the day come wherein I was in deed to be freed of my Rhetoric +Professorship, whereof in thought I was already freed. And it was done. +Thou didst rescue my tongue, whence Thou hadst before rescued my heart. +And I blessed Thee, rejoicing; retiring with all mine to the villa. What +I there did in writing, which was now enlisted in Thy service, though +still, in this breathing-time as it were, panting from the school of +pride, my books may witness, as well what I debated with others, as what +with myself alone, before Thee: what with Nebridius, who was absent, my +Epistles bear witness. And when shall I have time to rehearse all Thy +great benefits towards us at that time, especially when hasting on to +yet greater mercies? For my remembrance recalls me, and pleasant is it +to me, O Lord, to confess to Thee, by what inward goads Thou tamedst me; +and how Thou hast evened me, lowering the mountains and hills of my high +imaginations, straightening my crookedness, and smoothing my rough ways; +and how Thou also subduedst the brother of my heart, Alypius, unto the +name of Thy Only Begotten, our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, which +he would not at first vouchsafe to have inserted in our writings. For +rather would he have them savour of the lofty cedars of the Schools, +which the Lord hath now broken down, than of the wholesome herbs of the +Church, the antidote against serpents. + +Oh, in what accents spake I unto Thee, my God, when I read the Psalms of +David, those faithful songs, and sounds of devotion, which allow of no +swelling spirit, as yet a Catechumen, and a novice in Thy real love, +resting in that villa, with Alypius a Catechumen, my mother cleaving to +us, in female garb with masculine faith, with the tranquillity of age, +motherly love, Christian piety! Oh, what accents did I utter unto Thee +in those Psalms, and how was I by them kindled towards Thee, and on +fire to rehearse them, if possible, through the whole world, against the +pride of mankind! And yet they are sung through the whole world, nor can +any hide himself from Thy heat. With what vehement and bitter sorrow was +I angered at the Manichees! and again I pitied them, for they knew not +those Sacraments, those medicines, and were mad against the antidote +which might have recovered them of their madness. How I would they +had then been somewhere near me, and without my knowing that they were +there, could have beheld my countenance, and heard my words, when I read +the fourth Psalm in that time of my rest, and how that Psalm wrought +upon me: When I called, the God of my righteousness heard me; in +tribulation Thou enlargedst me. Have mercy upon me, O Lord, and hear +my prayer. Would that what I uttered on these words, they could hear, +without my knowing whether they heard, lest they should think I spake +it for their sakes! Because in truth neither should I speak the same +things, nor in the same way, if I perceived that they heard and saw me; +nor if I spake them would they so receive them, as when I spake by and +for myself before Thee, out of the natural feelings of my soul. + +I trembled for fear, and again kindled with hope, and with rejoicing in +Thy mercy, O Father; and all issued forth both by mine eyes and voice, +when Thy good Spirit turning unto us, said, O ye sons of men, how long +slow of heart? why do ye love vanity, and seek after leasing? For I had +loved vanity, and sought after leasing. And Thou, O Lord, hadst already +magnified Thy Holy One, raising Him from the dead, and setting Him at +Thy right hand, whence from on high He should send His promise, the +Comforter, the Spirit of truth. And He had already sent Him, but I knew +it not; He had sent Him, because He was now magnified, rising again from +the dead, and ascending into heaven. For till then, the Spirit was not +yet given, because Jesus was not yet glorified. And the prophet cries +out, How long, slow of heart? why do ye love vanity, and seek after +leasing? Know this, that the Lord hath magnified His Holy One. He cries +out, How long? He cries out, Know this: and I so long, not knowing, +loved vanity, and sought after leasing: and therefore I heard and +trembled, because it was spoken unto such as I remembered myself to +have been. For in those phantoms which I had held for truths, was +there vanity and leasing; and I spake aloud many things earnestly and +forcibly, in the bitterness of my remembrance. Which would they had +heard, who yet love vanity and seek after leasing! They would perchance +have been troubled, and have vomited it up; and Thou wouldest hear them +when they cried unto Thee; for by a true death in the flesh did He die +for us, who now intercedeth unto Thee for us. + +I further read, Be angry, and sin not. And how was I moved, O my God, +who had now learned to be angry at myself for things past, that I might +not sin in time to come! Yea, to be justly angry; for that it was not +another nature of a people of darkness which sinned for me, as they say +who are not angry at themselves, and treasure up wrath against the day +of wrath, and of the revelation of Thy just judgment. Nor were my good +things now without, nor sought with the eyes of flesh in that earthly +sun; for they that would have joy from without soon become vain, and +waste themselves on the things seen and temporal, and in their famished +thoughts do lick their very shadows. Oh that they were wearied out with +their famine, and said, Who will show us good things? And we would say, +and they hear, The light of Thy countenance is sealed upon us. For we +are not that light which enlighteneth every man, but we are enlightened +by Thee; that having been sometimes darkness, we may be light in Thee. +Oh that they could see the eternal Internal, which having tasted, I was +grieved that I could not show It them, so long as they brought me their +heart in their eyes roving abroad from Thee, while they said, Who will +show us good things? For there, where I was angry within myself in my +chamber, where I was inwardly pricked, where I had sacrificed, slaying +my old man and commencing the purpose of a new life, putting my trust +in Thee,--there hadst Thou begun to grow sweet unto me, and hadst put +gladness in my heart. And I cried out, as I read this outwardly, finding +it inwardly. Nor would I be multiplied with worldly goods; wasting away +time, and wasted by time; whereas I had in Thy eternal Simple Essence +other corn, and wine, and oil. + +And with a loud cry of my heart I cried out in the next verse, O in +peace, O for The Self-same! O what said he, I will lay me down and +sleep, for who shall hinder us, when cometh to pass that saying which is +written, Death is swallowed up in victory? And Thou surpassingly art the +Self-same, Who art not changed; and in Thee is rest which forgetteth all +toil, for there is none other with Thee, nor are we to seek those many +other things, which are not what Thou art: but Thou, Lord, alone hast +made me dwell in hope. I read, and kindled; nor found I what to do to +those deaf and dead, of whom myself had been, a pestilent person, a +bitter and a blind bawler against those writings, which are honied +with the honey of heaven, and lightsome with Thine own light: and I was +consumed with zeal at the enemies of this Scripture. + +When shall I recall all which passed in those holy-days? Yet neither +have I forgotten, nor will I pass over the severity of Thy scourge, and +the wonderful swiftness of Thy mercy. Thou didst then torment me with +pain in my teeth; which when it had come to such height that I could not +speak, it came into my heart to desire all my friends present to pray +for me to Thee, the God of all manner of health. And this I wrote on +wax, and gave it them to read. Presently so soon as with humble devotion +we had bowed our knees, that pain went away. But what pain? or how went +it away? I was affrighted, O my Lord, my God; for from infancy I had +never experienced the like. And the power of Thy Nod was deeply conveyed +to me, and rejoicing in faith, I praised Thy Name. And that faith +suffered me not to be at ease about my past sins, which were not yet +forgiven me by Thy baptism. + +The vintage-vacation ended, I gave notice to the Milanese to provide +their scholars with another master to sell words to them; for that I had +both made choice to serve Thee, and through my difficulty of breathing +and pain in my chest was not equal to the Professorship. And by letters +I signified to Thy Prelate, the holy man Ambrose, my former errors and +present desires, begging his advice what of Thy Scriptures I had best +read, to become readier and fitter for receiving so great grace. He +recommended Isaiah the Prophet: I believe, because he above the rest +is a more clear foreshower of the Gospel and of the calling of the +Gentiles. But I, not understanding the first lesson in him, and +imagining the whole to be like it, laid it by, to be resumed when better +practised in our Lord's own words. + +Thence, when the time was come wherein I was to give in my name, we left +the country and returned to Milan. It pleased Alypius also to be with +me born again in Thee, being already clothed with the humility befitting +Thy Sacraments; and a most valiant tamer of the body, so as, with +unwonted venture, to wear the frozen ground of Italy with his bare feet. +We joined with us the boy Adeodatus, born after the flesh, of my sin. +Excellently hadst Thou made him. He was not quite fifteen, and in wit +surpassed many grave and learned men. I confess unto Thee Thy gifts, +O Lord my God, Creator of all, and abundantly able to reform our +deformities: for I had no part in that boy, but the sin. For that we +brought him up in Thy discipline, it was Thou, none else, had inspired +us with it. I confess unto Thee Thy gifts. There is a book of ours +entitled The Master; it is a dialogue between him and me. Thou knowest +that all there ascribed to the person conversing with me were his ideas, +in his sixteenth year. Much besides, and yet more admirable, I found +in him. That talent struck awe into me. And who but Thou could be the +workmaster of such wonders? Soon didst Thou take his life from the +earth: and I now remember him without anxiety, fearing nothing for +his childhood or youth, or his whole self. Him we joined with us, our +contemporary in grace, to be brought up in Thy discipline: and we were +baptised, and anxiety for our past life vanished from us. Nor was I +sated in those days with the wondrous sweetness of considering the depth +of Thy counsels concerning the salvation of mankind. How did I weep, +in Thy Hymns and Canticles, touched to the quick by the voices of Thy +sweet-attuned Church! The voices flowed into mine ears, and the +Truth distilled into my heart, whence the affections of my devotion +overflowed, and tears ran down, and happy was I therein. + +Not long had the Church of Milan begun to use this kind of consolation +and exhortation, the brethren zealously joining with harmony of voice +and hearts. For it was a year, or not much more, that Justina, mother +to the Emperor Valentinian, a child, persecuted Thy servant Ambrose, in +favour of her heresy, to which she was seduced by the Arians. The devout +people kept watch in the Church, ready to die with their Bishop Thy +servant. There my mother Thy handmaid, bearing a chief part of those +anxieties and watchings, lived for prayer. We, yet unwarmed by the heat +of Thy Spirit, still were stirred up by the sight of the amazed and +disquieted city. Then it was first instituted that after the manner of +the Eastern Churches, Hymns and Psalms should be sung, lest the people +should wax faint through the tediousness of sorrow: and from that day to +this the custom is retained, divers (yea, almost all) Thy congregations, +throughout other parts of the world following herein. + +Then didst Thou by a vision discover to Thy forenamed Bishop where the +bodies of Gervasius and Protasius the martyrs lay hid (whom Thou hadst +in Thy secret treasury stored uncorrupted so many years), whence Thou +mightest seasonably produce them to repress the fury of a woman, but an +Empress. For when they were discovered and dug up, and with due honour +translated to the Ambrosian Basilica, not only they who were vexed with +unclean spirits (the devils confessing themselves) were cured, but a +certain man who had for many years been blind, a citizen, and well known +to the city, asking and hearing the reason of the people's confused joy, +sprang forth desiring his guide to lead him thither. Led thither, he +begged to be allowed to touch with his handkerchief the bier of Thy +saints, whose death is precious in Thy sight. Which when he had done, +and put to his eyes, they were forthwith opened. Thence did the fame +spread, thence Thy praises glowed, shone; thence the mind of that enemy, +though not turned to the soundness of believing, was yet turned back +from her fury of persecuting. Thanks to Thee, O my God. Whence and +whither hast Thou thus led my remembrance, that I should confess these +things also unto Thee? which great though they be, I had passed by in +forgetfulness. And yet then, when the odour of Thy ointments was so +fragrant, did we not run after Thee. Therefore did I more weep among +the singing of Thy Hymns, formerly sighing after Thee, and at length +breathing in Thee, as far as the breath may enter into this our house of +grass. + +Thou that makest men to dwell of one mind in one house, didst join with +us Euodius also, a young man of our own city. Who being an officer of +Court, was before us converted to Thee and baptised: and quitting his +secular warfare, girded himself to Thine. We were together, about to +dwell together in our devout purpose. We sought where we might serve +Thee most usefully, and were together returning to Africa: whitherward +being as far as Ostia, my mother departed this life. Much I omit, as +hastening much. Receive my confessions and thanksgivings, O my God, for +innumerable things whereof I am silent. But I will not omit whatsoever +my soul would bring forth concerning that Thy handmaid, who brought me +forth, both in the flesh, that I might be born to this temporal light, +and in heart, that I might be born to Light eternal. Not her gifts, but +Thine in her, would I speak of; for neither did she make nor educate +herself. Thou createdst her; nor did her father and mother know what a +one should come from them. And the sceptre of Thy Christ, the discipline +of Thine only Son, in a Christian house, a good member of Thy Church, +educated her in Thy fear. Yet for her good discipline was she wont +to commend not so much her mother's diligence, as that of a certain +decrepit maid-servant, who had carried her father when a child, as +little ones used to be carried at the backs of elder girls. For which +reason, and for her great age, and excellent conversation, was she, +in that Christian family, well respected by its heads. Whence also the +charge of her master's daughters was entrusted to her, to which she gave +diligent heed, restraining them earnestly, when necessary, with a holy +severity, and teaching them with a grave discretion. For, except at +those hours wherein they were most temporately fed at their parents' +table, she would not suffer them, though parched with thirst, to drink +even water; preventing an evil custom, and adding this wholesome advice: +"Ye drink water now, because you have not wine in your power; but when +you come to be married, and be made mistresses of cellars and cupboards, +you will scorn water, but the custom of drinking will abide." By this +method of instruction, and the authority she had, she refrained the +greediness of childhood, and moulded their very thirst to such an +excellent moderation that what they should not, that they would not. + +And yet (as Thy handmaid told me her son) there had crept upon her +a love of wine. For when (as the manner was) she, as though a sober +maiden, was bidden by her parents to draw wine out of the hogshed, +holding the vessel under the opening, before she poured the wine into +the flagon, she sipped a little with the tip of her lips; for more her +instinctive feelings refused. For this she did, not out of any desire +of drink, but out of the exuberance of youth, whereby it boils over in +mirthful freaks, which in youthful spirits are wont to be kept under by +the gravity of their elders. And thus by adding to that little, daily +littles (for whoso despiseth little things shall fall by little and +little), she had fallen into such a habit as greedily to drink off her +little cup brim-full almost of wine. Where was then that discreet old +woman, and that her earnest countermanding? Would aught avail against +a secret disease, if Thy healing hand, O Lord, watched not over us? +Father, mother, and governors absent, Thou present, who createdst, who +callest, who also by those set over us, workest something towards the +salvation of our souls, what didst Thou then, O my God? how didst Thou +cure her? how heal her? didst Thou not out of another soul bring forth a +hard and a sharp taunt, like a lancet out of Thy secret store, and with +one touch remove all that foul stuff? For a maid-servant with whom she +used to go to the cellar, falling to words (as it happens) with her +little mistress, when alone with her, taunted her with this fault, with +most bitter insult, calling her wine-bibber. With which taunt she, stung +to the quick, saw the foulness of her fault, and instantly condemned and +forsook it. As flattering friends pervert, so reproachful enemies mostly +correct. Yet not what by them Thou doest, but what themselves purposed, +dost Thou repay them. For she in her anger sought to vex her young +mistress, not to amend her; and did it in private, either for that the +time and place of the quarrel so found them; or lest herself also should +have anger, for discovering it thus late. But Thou, Lord, Governor +of all in heaven and earth, who turnest to Thy purposes the deepest +currents, and the ruled turbulence of the tide of times, didst by the +very unhealthiness of one soul heal another; lest any, when he observes +this, should ascribe it to his own power, even when another, whom he +wished to be reformed, is reformed through words of his. + +Brought up thus modestly and soberly, and made subject rather by Thee +to her parents, than by her parents to Thee, so soon as she was of +marriageable age, being bestowed upon a husband, she served him as her +lord; and did her diligence to win him unto Thee, preaching Thee unto +him by her conversation; by which Thou ornamentedst her, making her +reverently amiable, and admirable unto her husband. And she so endured +the wronging of her bed as never to have any quarrel with her husband +thereon. For she looked for Thy mercy upon him, that believing in Thee, +he might be made chaste. But besides this, he was fervid, as in his +affections, so in anger: but she had learnt not to resist an angry +husband, not in deed only, but not even in word. Only when he was +smoothed and tranquil, and in a temper to receive it, she would give an +account of her actions, if haply he had overhastily taken offence. In +a word, while many matrons, who had milder husbands, yet bore even in +their faces marks of shame, would in familiar talk blame their husbands' +lives, she would blame their tongues, giving them, as in jest, earnest +advice: "That from the time they heard the marriage writings read to +them, they should account them as indentures, whereby they were +made servants; and so, remembering their condition, ought not to set +themselves up against their lords." And when they, knowing what a +choleric husband she endured, marvelled that it had never been heard, +nor by any token perceived, that Patricius had beaten his wife, or that +there had been any domestic difference between them, even for one day, +and confidentially asking the reason, she taught them her practice above +mentioned. Those wives who observed it found the good, and returned +thanks; those who observed it not, found no relief, and suffered. + +Her mother-in-law also, at first by whisperings of evil servants +incensed against her, she so overcame by observance and persevering +endurance and meekness, that she of her own accord discovered to her +son the meddling tongues whereby the domestic peace betwixt her and her +daughter-in-law had been disturbed, asking him to correct them. Then, +when in compliance with his mother, and for the well-ordering of the +family, he had with stripes corrected those discovered, at her will who +had discovered them, she promised the like reward to any who, to please +her, should speak ill of her daughter-in-law to her: and none now +venturing, they lived together with a remarkable sweetness of mutual +kindness. + +This great gift also thou bestowedst, O my God, my mercy, upon that good +handmaid of Thine, in whose womb Thou createdst me, that between any +disagreeing and discordant parties where she was able, she showed +herself such a peacemaker, that hearing on both sides most bitter +things, such as swelling and indigested choler uses to break out into, +when the crudities of enmities are breathed out in sour discourses to a +present friend against an absent enemy, she never would disclose aught +of the one unto the other, but what might tend to their reconcilement. +A small good this might appear to me, did I not to my grief know +numberless persons, who through some horrible and wide-spreading +contagion of sin, not only disclose to persons mutually angered things +said in anger, but add withal things never spoken, whereas to humane +humanity, it ought to seem a light thing not to foment or increase ill +will by ill words, unless one study withal by good words to quench it. +Such was she, Thyself, her most inward Instructor, teaching her in the +school of the heart. + +Finally, her own husband, towards the very end of his earthly life, +did she gain unto Thee; nor had she to complain of that in him as a +believer, which before he was a believer she had borne from him. She was +also the servant of Thy servants; whosoever of them knew her, did in her +much praise and honour and love Thee; for that through the witness of +the fruits of a holy conversation they perceived Thy presence in her +heart. For she had been the wife of one man, had requited her parents, +had governed her house piously, was well reported of for good works, had +brought up children, so often travailing in birth of them, as she saw +them swerving from Thee. Lastly, of all of us Thy servants, O Lord (whom +on occasion of Thy own gift Thou sufferest to speak), us, who before her +sleeping in Thee lived united together, having received the grace of Thy +baptism, did she so take care of, as though she had been mother of us +all; so served us, as though she had been child to us all. + +The day now approaching whereon she was to depart this life (which day +Thou well knewest, we knew not), it came to pass, Thyself, as I believe, +by Thy secret ways so ordering it, that she and I stood alone, leaning +in a certain window, which looked into the garden of the house where we +now lay, at Ostia; where removed from the din of men, we were recruiting +from the fatigues of a long journey, for the voyage. We were discoursing +then together, alone, very sweetly; and forgetting those things which +are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, we +were enquiring between ourselves in the presence of the Truth, which +Thou art, of what sort the eternal life of the saints was to be, which +eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, nor hath it entered into the heart of +man. But yet we gasped with the mouth of our heart, after those heavenly +streams of Thy fountain, the fountain of life, which is with Thee; that +being bedewed thence according to our capacity, we might in some sort +meditate upon so high a mystery. + +And when our discourse was brought to that point, that the very highest +delight of the earthly senses, in the very purest material light, +was, in respect of the sweetness of that life, not only not worthy of +comparison, but not even of mention; we raising up ourselves with a more +glowing affection towards the "Self-same," did by degrees pass through +all things bodily, even the very heaven whence sun and moon and stars +shine upon the earth; yea, we were soaring higher yet, by inward musing, +and discourse, and admiring of Thy works; and we came to our own +minds, and went beyond them, that we might arrive at that region of +never-failing plenty, where Thou feedest Israel for ever with the food +of truth, and where life is the Wisdom by whom all these things are +made, and what have been, and what shall be, and she is not made, but +is, as she hath been, and so shall she be ever; yea rather, to "have +been," and "hereafter to be," are not in her, but only "to be," seeing +she is eternal. For to "have been," and to "be hereafter," are not +eternal. And while we were discoursing and panting after her, we +slightly touched on her with the whole effort of our heart; and we +sighed, and there we leave bound the first fruits of the Spirit; and +returned to vocal expressions of our mouth, where the word spoken +has beginning and end. And what is like unto Thy Word, our Lord, who +endureth in Himself without becoming old, and maketh all things new? + +We were saying then: If to any the tumult of the flesh were hushed, +hushed the images of earth, and waters, and air, hushed also the pole of +heaven, yea the very soul be hushed to herself, and by not thinking on +self surmount self, hushed all dreams and imaginary revelations, every +tongue and every sign, and whatsoever exists only in transition, since +if any could hear, all these say, We made not ourselves, but He made us +that abideth for ever--If then having uttered this, they too should be +hushed, having roused only our ears to Him who made them, and He alone +speak, not by them but by Himself, that we may hear His Word, not +through any tongue of flesh, nor Angel's voice, nor sound of thunder, +nor in the dark riddle of a similitude, but might hear Whom in these +things we love, might hear His Very Self without these (as we two now +strained ourselves, and in swift thought touched on that Eternal Wisdom +which abideth over all);--could this be continued on, and other visions +of kind far unlike be withdrawn, and this one ravish, and absorb, and +wrap up its beholder amid these inward joys, so that life might be for +ever like that one moment of understanding which now we sighed after; +were not this, Enter into thy Master's joy? And when shall that be? When +we shall all rise again, though we shall not all be changed? + +Such things was I speaking, and even if not in this very manner, and +these same words, yet, Lord, Thou knowest that in that day when we were +speaking of these things, and this world with all its delights became, +as we spake, contemptible to us, my mother said, "Son, for mine own part +I have no further delight in any thing in this life. What I do here any +longer, and to what I am here, I know not, now that my hopes in this +world are accomplished. One thing there was for which I desired to +linger for a while in this life, that I might see thee a Catholic +Christian before I died. My God hath done this for me more abundantly, +that I should now see thee withal, despising earthly happiness, become +His servant: what do I here?" + +What answer I made her unto these things, I remember not. For scarce +five days after, or not much more, she fell sick of a fever; and in that +sickness one day she fell into a swoon, and was for a while withdrawn +from these visible things. We hastened round her; but she was soon +brought back to her senses; and looking on me and my brother standing by +her, said to us enquiringly, "Where was I?" And then looking fixedly on +us, with grief amazed: "Here," saith she, "shall you bury your mother." +I held my peace and refrained weeping; but my brother spake something, +wishing for her, as the happier lot, that she might die, not in a +strange place, but in her own land. Whereat, she with anxious look, +checking him with her eyes, for that he still savoured such things, and +then looking upon me: "Behold," saith she, "what he saith": and soon +after to us both, "Lay," she saith, "this body any where; let not the +care for that any way disquiet you: this only I request, that you would +remember me at the Lord's altar, wherever you be." And having delivered +this sentiment in what words she could, she held her peace, being +exercised by her growing sickness. + +But I, considering Thy gifts, Thou unseen God, which Thou instillest +into the hearts of Thy faithful ones, whence wondrous fruits do spring, +did rejoice and give thanks to Thee, recalling what I before knew, how +careful and anxious she had ever been as to her place of burial, which +she had provided and prepared for herself by the body of her husband. +For because they had lived in great harmony together, she also wished +(so little can the human mind embrace things divine) to have this +addition to that happiness, and to have it remembered among men, that +after her pilgrimage beyond the seas, what was earthly of this united +pair had been permitted to be united beneath the same earth. But when +this emptiness had through the fulness of Thy goodness begun to cease in +her heart, I knew not, and rejoiced admiring what she had so disclosed +to me; though indeed in that our discourse also in the window, when she +said, "What do I here any longer?" there appeared no desire of dying +in her own country. I heard afterwards also, that when we were now +at Ostia, she with a mother's confidence, when I was absent, one day +discoursed with certain of my friends about the contempt of this life, +and the blessing of death: and when they were amazed at such courage +which Thou hadst given to a woman, and asked, "Whether she were not +afraid to leave her body so far from her own city?" she replied, +"Nothing is far to God; nor was it to be feared lest at the end of the +world, He should not recognise whence He were to raise me up." On the +ninth day then of her sickness, and the fifty-sixth year of her age, and +the three-and-thirtieth of mine, was that religious and holy soul freed +from the body. + +I closed her eyes; and there flowed withal a mighty sorrow into my +heart, which was overflowing into tears; mine eyes at the same time, by +the violent command of my mind, drank up their fountain wholly dry; and +woe was me in such a strife! But when she breathed her last, the boy +Adeodatus burst out into a loud lament; then, checked by us all, held +his peace. In like manner also a childish feeling in me, which was, +through my heart's youthful voice, finding its vent in weeping, was +checked and silenced. For we thought it not fitting to solemnise that +funeral with tearful lament, and groanings; for thereby do they for +the most part express grief for the departed, as though unhappy, or +altogether dead; whereas she was neither unhappy in her death, nor +altogether dead. Of this we were assured on good grounds, the testimony +of her good conversation and her faith unfeigned. + +What then was it which did grievously pain me within, but a fresh wound +wrought through the sudden wrench of that most sweet and dear custom of +living together? I joyed indeed in her testimony, when, in that her last +sickness, mingling her endearments with my acts of duty, she called me +"dutiful," and mentioned, with great affection of love, that she never +had heard any harsh or reproachful sound uttered by my mouth against +her. But yet, O my God, Who madest us, what comparison is there betwixt +that honour that I paid to her, and her slavery for me? Being then +forsaken of so great comfort in her, my soul was wounded, and that life +rent asunder as it were, which, of hers and mine together, had been made +but one. + +The boy then being stilled from weeping, Euodius took up the Psalter, +and began to sing, our whole house answering him, the Psalm, I will sing +of mercy and judgments to Thee, O Lord. But hearing what we were doing, +many brethren and religious women came together; and whilst they (whose +office it was) made ready for the burial, as the manner is, I, in a part +of the house, where I might properly, together with those who thought +not fit to leave me, discoursed upon something fitting the time; and by +this balm of truth assuaged that torment, known to Thee, they unknowing +and listening intently, and conceiving me to be without all sense of +sorrow. But in Thy ears, where none of them heard, I blamed the weakness +of my feelings, and refrained my flood of grief, which gave way a little +unto me; but again came, as with a tide, yet not so as to burst out into +tears, nor to change of countenance; still I knew what I was keeping +down in my heart. And being very much displeased that these human things +had such power over me, which in the due order and appointment of our +natural condition must needs come to pass, with a new grief I grieved +for my grief, and was thus worn by a double sorrow. + +And behold, the corpse was carried to the burial; we went and returned +without tears. For neither in those prayers which we poured forth unto +Thee, when the Sacrifice of our ransom was offered for her, when now the +corpse was by the grave's side, as the manner there is, previous to its +being laid therein, did I weep even during those prayers; yet was I the +whole day in secret heavily sad, and with troubled mind prayed Thee, as +I could, to heal my sorrow, yet Thou didst not; impressing, I believe, +upon my memory by this one instance, how strong is the bond of all +habit, even upon a soul, which now feeds upon no deceiving Word. It +seemed also good to me to go and bathe, having heard that the bath had +its name (balneum) from the Greek Balaneion for that it drives sadness +from the mind. And this also I confess unto Thy mercy, Father of the +fatherless, that I bathed, and was the same as before I bathed. For the +bitterness of sorrow could not exude out of my heart. Then I slept, and +woke up again, and found my grief not a little softened; and as I was +alone in my bed, I remembered those true verses of Thy Ambrose. For Thou +art the + + "Maker of all, the Lord, + And Ruler of the height, + Who, robing day in light, hast poured + Soft slumbers o'er the night, + That to our limbs the power + Of toil may be renew'd, + And hearts be rais'd that sink and cower, + And sorrows be subdu'd." + +And then by little and little I recovered my former thoughts of Thy +handmaid, her holy conversation towards Thee, her holy tenderness and +observance towards us, whereof I was suddenly deprived: and I was minded +to weep in Thy sight, for her and for myself, in her behalf and in my +own. And I gave way to the tears which I before restrained, to overflow +as much as they desired; reposing my heart upon them; and it found rest +in them, for it was in Thy ears, not in those of man, who would have +scornfully interpreted my weeping. And now, Lord, in writing I confess +it unto Thee. Read it, who will, and interpret it, how he will: and if +he finds sin therein, that I wept my mother for a small portion of an +hour (the mother who for the time was dead to mine eyes, who had for +many years wept for me that I might live in Thine eyes), let him not +deride me; but rather, if he be one of large charity, let him weep +himself for my sins unto Thee, the Father of all the brethren of Thy +Christ. + +But now, with a heart cured of that wound, wherein it might seem +blameworthy for an earthly feeling, I pour out unto Thee, our God, in +behalf of that Thy handmaid, a far different kind of tears, flowing from +a spirit shaken by the thoughts of the dangers of every soul that dieth +in Adam. And although she having been quickened in Christ, even before +her release from the flesh, had lived to the praise of Thy name for +her faith and conversation; yet dare I not say that from what time Thou +regeneratedst her by baptism, no word issued from her mouth against Thy +Commandment. Thy Son, the Truth, hath said, Whosoever shall say unto +his brother, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire. And woe be even +unto the commendable life of men, if, laying aside mercy, Thou shouldest +examine it. But because Thou art not extreme in enquiring after sins, we +confidently hope to find some place with Thee. But whosoever reckons up +his real merits to Thee, what reckons he up to Thee but Thine own gifts? +O that men would know themselves to be men; and that he that glorieth +would glory in the Lord. + +I therefore, O my Praise and my Life, God of my heart, laying aside for +a while her good deeds, for which I give thanks to Thee with joy, do now +beseech Thee for the sins of my mother. Hearken unto me, I entreat Thee, +by the Medicine of our wounds, Who hung upon the tree, and now sitting +at Thy right hand maketh intercession to Thee for us. I know that she +dealt mercifully, and from her heart forgave her debtors their debts; do +Thou also forgive her debts, whatever she may have contracted in so +many years, since the water of salvation. Forgive her, Lord, forgive, I +beseech Thee; enter not into judgment with her. Let Thy mercy be exalted +above Thy justice, since Thy words are true, and Thou hast promised +mercy unto the merciful; which Thou gavest them to be, who wilt have +mercy on whom Thou wilt have mercy; and wilt have compassion on whom +Thou hast had compassion. + +And, I believe, Thou hast already done what I ask; but accept, O Lord, +the free-will offerings of my mouth. For she, the day of her dissolution +now at hand, took no thought to have her body sumptuously wound up, or +embalmed with spices; nor desired she a choice monument, or to be buried +in her own land. These things she enjoined us not; but desired only to +have her name commemorated at Thy Altar, which she had served without +intermission of one day: whence she knew the holy Sacrifice to be +dispensed, by which the hand-writing that was against us is blotted out; +through which the enemy was triumphed over, who summing up our offences, +and seeking what to lay to our charge, found nothing in Him, in Whom we +conquer. Who shall restore to Him the innocent blood? Who repay Him +the price wherewith He bought us, and so take us from Him? Unto the +Sacrament of which our ransom, Thy handmaid bound her soul by the bond +of faith. Let none sever her from Thy protection: let neither the lion +nor the dragon interpose himself by force or fraud. For she will not +answer that she owes nothing, lest she be convicted and seized by the +crafty accuser: but she will answer that her sins are forgiven her by +Him, to Whom none can repay that price which He, Who owed nothing, paid +for us. + +May she rest then in peace with the husband before and after whom she +had never any; whom she obeyed, with patience bringing forth fruit unto +Thee, that she might win him also unto Thee. And inspire, O Lord my God, +inspire Thy servants my brethren, Thy sons my masters, whom with +voice, and heart, and pen I serve, that so many as shall read these +Confessions, may at Thy Altar remember Monnica Thy handmaid, with +Patricius, her sometimes husband, by whose bodies Thou broughtest me +into this life, how I know not. May they with devout affection remember +my parents in this transitory light, my brethren under Thee our Father +in our Catholic Mother, and my fellow-citizens in that eternal Jerusalem +which Thy pilgrim people sigheth after from their Exodus, even unto +their return thither. That so my mother's last request of me, may +through my confessions, more than through my prayers, be, through the +prayers of many, more abundantly fulfilled to her. + + + + +BOOK X + + +Let me know Thee, O Lord, who knowest me: let me know Thee, as I am +known. Power of my soul, enter into it, and fit it for Thee, that +Thou mayest have and hold it without spot or wrinkle. This is my hope, +therefore do I speak; and in this hope do I rejoice, when I rejoice +healthfully. Other things of this life are the less to be sorrowed for, +the more they are sorrowed for; and the more to be sorrowed for, the +less men sorrow for them. For behold, Thou lovest the truth, and he that +doth it, cometh to the light. This would I do in my heart before Thee in +confession: and in my writing, before many witnesses. + +And from Thee, O Lord, unto whose eyes the abyss of man's conscience is +naked, what could be hidden in me though I would not confess it? For +I should hide Thee from me, not me from Thee. But now, for that my +groaning is witness, that I am displeased with myself, Thou shinest out, +and art pleasing, and beloved, and longed for; that I may be ashamed of +myself, and renounce myself, and choose Thee, and neither please Thee +nor myself, but in Thee. To Thee therefore, O Lord, am I open, whatever +I am; and with what fruit I confess unto Thee, I have said. Nor do I it +with words and sounds of the flesh, but with the words of my soul, and +the cry of the thought which Thy ear knoweth. For when I am evil, then +to confess to Thee is nothing else than to be displeased with myself; +but when holy, nothing else than not to ascribe it to myself: because +Thou, O Lord, blessest the godly, but first Thou justifieth him when +ungodly. My confession then, O my God, in Thy sight, is made silently, +and not silently. For in sound, it is silent; in affection, it cries +aloud. For neither do I utter any thing right unto men, which Thou hast +not before heard from me; nor dost Thou hear any such thing from me, +which Thou hast not first said unto me. + +What then have I to do with men, that they should hear my +confessions--as if they could heal all my infirmities--a race, curious +to know the lives of others, slothful to amend their own? Why seek they +to hear from me what I am; who will not hear from Thee what themselves +are? And how know they, when from myself they hear of myself, whether +I say true; seeing no man knows what is in man, but the spirit of man +which is in him? But if they hear from Thee of themselves, they cannot +say, "The Lord lieth." For what is it to hear from Thee of themselves, +but to know themselves? and who knoweth and saith, "It is false," unless +himself lieth? But because charity believeth all things (that is, among +those whom knitting unto itself it maketh one), I also, O Lord, will +in such wise confess unto Thee, that men may hear, to whom I cannot +demonstrate whether I confess truly; yet they believe me, whose ears +charity openeth unto me. + +But do Thou, my inmost Physician, make plain unto me what fruit I may +reap by doing it. For the confessions of my past sins, which Thou hast +forgiven and covered, that Thou mightest bless me in Thee, changing my +soul by Faith and Thy Sacrament, when read and heard, stir up the heart, +that it sleep not in despair and say "I cannot," but awake in the love +of Thy mercy and the sweetness of Thy grace, whereby whoso is weak, is +strong, when by it he became conscious of his own weakness. And the good +delight to hear of the past evils of such as are now freed from them, +not because they are evils, but because they have been and are not. With +what fruit then, O Lord my God, to Whom my conscience daily confesseth, +trusting more in the hope of Thy mercy than in her own innocency, +with what fruit, I pray, do I by this book confess to men also in Thy +presence what I now am, not what I have been? For that other fruit I +have seen and spoken of. But what I now am, at the very time of making +these confessions, divers desire to know, who have or have not known me, +who have heard from me or of me; but their ear is not at my heart where +I am, whatever I am. They wish then to hear me confess what I am within; +whither neither their eye, nor ear, nor understanding can reach; they +wish it, as ready to believe--but will they know? For charity, whereby +they are good, telleth them that in my confessions I lie not; and she in +them, believeth me. + +But for what fruit would they hear this? Do they desire to joy with me, +when they hear how near, by Thy gift, I approach unto Thee? and to pray +for me, when they shall hear how much I am held back by my own weight? +To such will I discover myself. For it is no mean fruit, O Lord my God, +that by many thanks should be given to Thee on our behalf, and Thou be +by many entreated for us. Let the brotherly mind love in me what Thou +teachest is to be loved, and lament in me what Thou teachest is to be +lamented. Let a brotherly, not a stranger, mind, not that of the strange +children, whose mouth talketh of vanity, and their right hand is a +right hand of iniquity, but that brotherly mind which when it approveth, +rejoiceth for me, and when it disapproveth me, is sorry for me; because +whether it approveth or disapproveth, it loveth me. To such will I +discover myself: they will breathe freely at my good deeds, sigh for my +ill. My good deeds are Thine appointments, and Thy gifts; my evil ones +are my offences, and Thy judgments. Let them breathe freely at the one, +sigh at the other; and let hymns and weeping go up into Thy sight, +out of the hearts of my brethren, Thy censers. And do Thou, O Lord, +be pleased with the incense of Thy holy temple, have mercy upon me +according to Thy great mercy for Thine own name's sake; and no ways +forsaking what Thou hast begun, perfect my imperfections. + +This is the fruit of my confessions of what I am, not of what I have +been, to confess this, not before Thee only, in a secret exultation with +trembling, and a secret sorrow with hope; but in the ears also of the +believing sons of men, sharers of my joy, and partners in my mortality, +my fellow-citizens, and fellow-pilgrims, who are gone before, or are to +follow on, companions of my way. These are Thy servants, my brethren, +whom Thou willest to be Thy sons; my masters, whom Thou commandest me to +serve, if I would live with Thee, of Thee. But this Thy Word were little +did it only command by speaking, and not go before in performing. This +then I do in deed and word, this I do under Thy wings; in over great +peril, were not my soul subdued unto Thee under Thy wings, and my +infirmity known unto Thee. I am a little one, but my Father ever liveth, +and my Guardian is sufficient for me. For He is the same who begat me, +and defends me: and Thou Thyself art all my good; Thou, Almighty, +Who are with me, yea, before I am with Thee. To such then whom Thou +commandest me to serve will I discover, not what I have been, but what I +now am and what I yet am. But neither do I judge myself. Thus therefore +I would be heard. + +For Thou, Lord, dost judge me: because, although no man knoweth the +things of a man, but the spirit of a man which is in him, yet is there +something of man, which neither the spirit of man that is in him, itself +knoweth. But Thou, Lord, knowest all of him, Who hast made him. Yet I, +though in Thy sight I despise myself, and account myself dust and ashes; +yet know I something of Thee, which I know not of myself. And truly, +now we see through a glass darkly, not face to face as yet. So long +therefore as I be absent from Thee, I am more present with myself than +with Thee; and yet know I Thee that Thou art in no ways passible; but I, +what temptations I can resist, what I cannot, I know not. And there is +hope, because Thou art faithful, Who wilt not suffer us to be tempted +above that we are able; but wilt with the temptation also make a way to +escape, that we may be able to bear it. I will confess then what I +know of myself, I will confess also what I know not of myself. And that +because what I do know of myself, I know by Thy shining upon me; and +what I know not of myself, so long know I not it, until my darkness be +made as the noon-day in Thy countenance. + +Not with doubting, but with assured consciousness, do I love Thee, Lord. +Thou hast stricken my heart with Thy word, and I loved Thee. Yea also +heaven, and earth, and all that therein is, behold, on every side they +bid me love Thee; nor cease to say so unto all, that they may be without +excuse. But more deeply wilt Thou have mercy on whom Thou wilt have +mercy, and wilt have compassion on whom Thou hast had compassion: else +in deaf ears do the heaven and the earth speak Thy praises. But what do +I love, when I love Thee? not beauty of bodies, nor the fair harmony +of time, nor the brightness of the light, so gladsome to our eyes, nor +sweet melodies of varied songs, nor the fragrant smell of flowers, and +ointments, and spices, not manna and honey, not limbs acceptable to +embracements of flesh. None of these I love, when I love my God; and +yet I love a kind of light, and melody, and fragrance, and meat, and +embracement when I love my God, the light, melody, fragrance, meat, +embracement of my inner man: where there shineth unto my soul what space +cannot contain, and there soundeth what time beareth not away, and there +smelleth what breathing disperseth not, and there tasteth what eating +diminisheth not, and there clingeth what satiety divorceth not. This is +it which I love when I love my God. + +And what is this? I asked the earth, and it answered me, "I am not He"; +and whatsoever are in it confessed the same. I asked the sea and the +deeps, and the living creeping things, and they answered, "We are not +thy God, seek above us." I asked the moving air; and the whole air with +his inhabitants answered, "Anaximenes was deceived, I am not God." I +asked the heavens, sun, moon, stars, "Nor (say they) are we the God whom +thou seekest." And I replied unto all the things which encompass the +door of my flesh: "Ye have told me of my God, that ye are not He; tell +me something of Him." And they cried out with a loud voice, "He made +us." My questioning them, was my thoughts on them: and their form of +beauty gave the answer. And I turned myself unto myself, and said to +myself, "Who art thou?" And I answered, "A man." And behold, in me there +present themselves to me soul, and body, one without, the other within. +By which of these ought I to seek my God? I had sought Him in the body +from earth to heaven, so far as I could send messengers, the beams +of mine eyes. But the better is the inner, for to it as presiding and +judging, all the bodily messengers reported the answers of heaven and +earth, and all things therein, who said, "We are not God, but He made +us." These things did my inner man know by the ministry of the outer: I +the inner knew them; I, the mind, through the senses of my body. I asked +the whole frame of the world about my God; and it answered me, "I am not +He, but He made me." + +Is not this corporeal figure apparent to all whose senses are perfect? +why then speaks it not the same to all? Animals small and great see it, +but they cannot ask it: because no reason is set over their senses to +judge on what they report. But men can ask, so that the invisible things +of God are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made; +but by love of them, they are made subject unto them: and subjects +cannot judge. Nor yet do the creatures answer such as ask, unless they +can judge; nor yet do they change their voice (i.e., their appearance), +if one man only sees, another seeing asks, so as to appear one way to +this man, another way to that, but appearing the same way to both, it is +dumb to this, speaks to that; yea rather it speaks to all; but they only +understand, who compare its voice received from without, with the truth +within. For truth saith unto me, "Neither heaven, nor earth, nor any +other body is thy God." This, their very nature saith to him that seeth +them: "They are a mass; a mass is less in a part thereof than in the +whole." Now to thee I speak, O my soul, thou art my better part: for +thou quickenest the mass of my body, giving it life, which no body can +give to a body: but thy God is even unto thee the Life of thy life. + +What then do I love, when I love my God? who is He above the head of +my soul? By my very soul will I ascend to Him. I will pass beyond that +power whereby I am united to my body, and fill its whole frame with +life. Nor can I by that power find my God; for so horse and mule that +have no understanding might find Him; seeing it is the same power, +whereby even their bodies live. But another power there is, not that +only whereby I animate, but that too whereby I imbue with sense my +flesh, which the Lord hath framed for me: commanding the eye not to +hear, and the ear not to see; but the eye, that through it I should +see, and the ear, that through it I should hear; and to the other senses +severally, what is to each their own peculiar seats and offices; which, +being divers, I the one mind, do through them enact. I will pass beyond +this power of mine also; for this also have the horse, and mule, for +they also perceive through the body. + +I will pass then beyond this power of my nature also, rising by degrees +unto Him Who made me. And I come to the fields and spacious palaces of +my memory, where are the treasures of innumerable images, brought into +it from things of all sorts perceived by the senses. There is stored up, +whatsoever besides we think, either by enlarging or diminishing, or +any other way varying those things which the sense hath come to; and +whatever else hath been committed and laid up, which forgetfulness hath +not yet swallowed up and buried. When I enter there, I require what I +will to be brought forth, and something instantly comes; others must be +longer sought after, which are fetched, as it were, out of some inner +receptacle; others rush out in troops, and while one thing is desired +and required, they start forth, as who should say, "Is it perchance +I?" These I drive away with the hand of my heart, from the face of my +remembrance; until what I wish for be unveiled, and appear in sight, out +of its secret place. Other things come up readily, in unbroken order, as +they are called for; those in front making way for the following; and +as they make way, they are hidden from sight, ready to come when I will. +All which takes place when I repeat a thing by heart. + +There are all things preserved distinctly and under general heads, each +having entered by its own avenue: as light, and all colours and forms of +bodies by the eyes; by the ears all sorts of sounds; all smells by the +avenue of the nostrils; all tastes by the mouth; and by the sensation of +the whole body, what is hard or soft; hot or cold; or rugged; heavy or +light; either outwardly or inwardly to the body. All these doth that +great harbour of the memory receive in her numberless secret and +inexpressible windings, to be forthcoming, and brought out at need; each +entering in by his own gate, and there laid up. Nor yet do the things +themselves enter in; only the images of the things perceived are there +in readiness, for thought to recall. Which images, how they are formed, +who can tell, though it doth plainly appear by which sense each hath +been brought in and stored up? For even while I dwell in darkness and +silence, in my memory I can produce colours, if I will, and discern +betwixt black and white, and what others I will: nor yet do sounds break +in and disturb the image drawn in by my eyes, which I am reviewing, +though they also are there, lying dormant, and laid up, as it were, +apart. For these too I call for, and forthwith they appear. And though +my tongue be still, and my throat mute, so can I sing as much as I will; +nor do those images of colours, which notwithstanding be there, intrude +themselves and interrupt, when another store is called for, which +flowed in by the ears. So the other things, piled in and up by the other +senses, I recall at my pleasure. Yea, I discern the breath of lilies +from violets, though smelling nothing; and I prefer honey to sweet wine, +smooth before rugged, at the time neither tasting nor handling, but +remembering only. + +These things do I within, in that vast court of my memory. For there +are present with me, heaven, earth, sea, and whatever I could think on +therein, besides what I have forgotten. There also meet I with myself, +and recall myself, and when, where, and what I have done, and under what +feelings. There be all which I remember, either on my own experience, +or other's credit. Out of the same store do I myself with the past +continually combine fresh and fresh likenesses of things which I have +experienced, or, from what I have experienced, have believed: and thence +again infer future actions, events and hopes, and all these again I +reflect on, as present. "I will do this or that," say I to myself, in +that great receptacle of my mind, stored with the images of things so +many and so great, "and this or that will follow." "O that this or that +might be!" "God avert this or that!" So speak I to myself: and when +I speak, the images of all I speak of are present, out of the same +treasury of memory; nor would I speak of any thereof, were the images +wanting. + +Great is this force of memory, excessive great, O my God; a large and +boundless chamber! who ever sounded the bottom thereof? yet is this a +power of mine, and belongs unto my nature; nor do I myself comprehend +all that I am. Therefore is the mind too strait to contain itself. And +where should that be, which it containeth not of itself? Is it without +it, and not within? how then doth it not comprehend itself? A wonderful +admiration surprises me, amazement seizes me upon this. And men go +abroad to admire the heights of mountains, the mighty billows of the +sea, the broad tides of rivers, the compass of the ocean, and the +circuits of the stars, and pass themselves by; nor wonder that when I +spake of all these things, I did not see them with mine eyes, yet could +not have spoken of them, unless I then actually saw the mountains, +billows, rivers, stars which I had seen, and that ocean which I believe +to be, inwardly in my memory, and that, with the same vast spaces +between, as if I saw them abroad. Yet did not I by seeing draw them into +myself, when with mine eyes I beheld them; nor are they themselves with +me, but their images only. And I know by what sense of the body each was +impressed upon me. + +Yet not these alone does the unmeasurable capacity of my memory retain. +Here also is all, learnt of the liberal sciences and as yet unforgotten; +removed as it were to some inner place, which is yet no place: nor +are they the images thereof, but the things themselves. For, what is +literature, what the art of disputing, how many kinds of questions there +be, whatsoever of these I know, in such manner exists in my memory, as +that I have not taken in the image, and left out the thing, or that it +should have sounded and passed away like a voice fixed on the ear by +that impress, whereby it might be recalled, as if it sounded, when it +no longer sounded; or as a smell while it passes and evaporates into air +affects the sense of smell, whence it conveys into the memory an image +of itself, which remembering, we renew, or as meat, which verily in +the belly hath now no taste, and yet in the memory still in a manner +tasteth; or as any thing which the body by touch perceiveth, and which +when removed from us, the memory still conceives. For those things +are not transmitted into the memory, but their images only are with +an admirable swiftness caught up, and stored as it were in wondrous +cabinets, and thence wonderfully by the act of remembering, brought +forth. + +But now when I hear that there be three kinds of questions, "Whether the +thing be? what it is? of what kind it is?" I do indeed hold the images +of the sounds of which those words be composed, and that those sounds, +with a noise passed through the air, and now are not. But the things +themselves which are signified by those sounds, I never reached with any +sense of my body, nor ever discerned them otherwise than in my mind; yet +in my memory have I laid up not their images, but themselves. Which how +they entered into me, let them say if they can; for I have gone over all +the avenues of my flesh, but cannot find by which they entered. For the +eyes say, "If those images were coloured, we reported of them." The ears +say, "If they sound, we gave knowledge of them." The nostrils say, "If +they smell, they passed by us." The taste says, "Unless they have a +savour, ask me not." The touch says, "If it have not size, I handled +it not; if I handled it not, I gave no notice of it." Whence and how +entered these things into my memory? I know not how. For when I learned +them, I gave not credit to another man's mind, but recognised them in +mine; and approving them for true, I commended them to it, laying them +up as it were, whence I might bring them forth when I willed. In my +heart then they were, even before I learned them, but in my memory +they were not. Where then? or wherefore, when they were spoken, did I +acknowledge them, and said, "So is it, it is true," unless that they +were already in the memory, but so thrown back and buried as it were in +deeper recesses, that had not the suggestion of another drawn them forth +I had perchance been unable to conceive of them? + +Wherefore we find, that to learn these things whereof we imbibe not the +images by our senses, but perceive within by themselves, without images, +as they are, is nothing else, but by conception, to receive, and by +marking to take heed that those things which the memory did before +contain at random and unarranged, be laid up at hand as it were in that +same memory where before they lay unknown, scattered and neglected, and +so readily occur to the mind familiarised to them. And how many things +of this kind does my memory bear which have been already found out, and +as I said, placed as it were at hand, which we are said to have learned +and come to know which were I for some short space of time to cease to +call to mind, they are again so buried, and glide back, as it were, into +the deeper recesses, that they must again, as if new, be thought out +thence, for other abode they have none: but they must be drawn together +again, that they may be known; that is to say, they must as it were be +collected together from their dispersion: whence the word "cogitation" +is derived. For cogo (collect) and cogito (re-collect) have the same +relation to each other as ago and agito, facio and factito. But the mind +hath appropriated to itself this word (cogitation), so that, not what is +"collected" any how, but what is "recollected," i.e., brought together, +in the mind, is properly said to be cogitated, or thought upon. + +The memory containeth also reasons and laws innumerable of numbers and +dimensions, none of which hath any bodily sense impressed; seeing they +have neither colour, nor sound, nor taste, nor smell, nor touch. I have +heard the sound of the words whereby when discussed they are denoted: +but the sounds are other than the things. For the sounds are other in +Greek than in Latin; but the things are neither Greek, nor Latin, +nor any other language. I have seen the lines of architects, the very +finest, like a spider's thread; but those are still different, they +are not the images of those lines which the eye of flesh showed me: he +knoweth them, whosoever without any conception whatsoever of a body, +recognises them within himself. I have perceived also the numbers of the +things with which we number all the senses of my body; but those numbers +wherewith we number are different, nor are they the images of these, +and therefore they indeed are. Let him who seeth them not, deride me for +saying these things, and I will pity him, while he derides me. + +All these things I remember, and how I learnt them I remember. Many +things also most falsely objected against them have I heard, and +remember; which though they be false, yet is it not false that I +remember them; and I remember also that I have discerned betwixt those +truths and these falsehoods objected to them. And I perceive that the +present discerning of these things is different from remembering that +I oftentimes discerned them, when I often thought upon them. I both +remember then to have often understood these things; and what I now +discern and understand, I lay up in my memory, that hereafter I may +remember that I understand it now. So then I remember also to have +remembered; as if hereafter I shall call to remembrance, that I have now +been able to remember these things, by the force of memory shall I call +it to remembrance. + +The same memory contains also the affections of my mind, not in the same +manner that my mind itself contains them, when it feels them; but far +otherwise, according to a power of its own. For without rejoicing I +remember myself to have joyed; and without sorrow do I recollect my +past sorrow. And that I once feared, I review without fear; and without +desire call to mind a past desire. Sometimes, on the contrary, with joy +do I remember my fore-past sorrow, and with sorrow, joy. Which is not +wonderful, as to the body; for mind is one thing, body another. If +I therefore with joy remember some past pain of body, it is not so +wonderful. But now seeing this very memory itself is mind (for when we +give a thing in charge, to be kept in memory, we say, "See that you keep +it in mind"; and when we forget, we say, "It did not come to my mind," +and, "It slipped out of my mind," calling the memory itself the mind); +this being so, how is it that when with joy I remember my past sorrow, +the mind hath joy, the memory hath sorrow; the mind upon the joyfulness +which is in it, is joyful, yet the memory upon the sadness which is in +it, is not sad? Does the memory perchance not belong to the mind? Who +will say so? The memory then is, as it were, the belly of the mind, and +joy and sadness, like sweet and bitter food; which, when committed to +the memory, are as it were passed into the belly, where they may be +stowed, but cannot taste. Ridiculous it is to imagine these to be alike; +and yet are they not utterly unlike. + +But, behold, out of my memory I bring it, when I say there be four +perturbations of the mind, desire, joy, fear, sorrow; and whatsoever I +can dispute thereon, by dividing each into its subordinate species, and +by defining it, in my memory find I what to say, and thence do I bring +it: yet am I not disturbed by any of these perturbations, when by +calling them to mind, I remember them; yea, and before I recalled +and brought them back, they were there; and therefore could they, by +recollection, thence be brought. Perchance, then, as meat is by chewing +the cud brought up out of the belly, so by recollection these out of the +memory. Why then does not the disputer, thus recollecting, taste in the +mouth of his musing the sweetness of joy, or the bitterness of sorrow? +Is the comparison unlike in this, because not in all respects like? For +who would willingly speak thereof, if so oft as we name grief or fear, +we should be compelled to be sad or fearful? And yet could we not speak +of them, did we not find in our memory, not only the sounds of the names +according to the images impressed by the senses of the body, but notions +of the very things themselves which we never received by any avenue of +the body, but which the mind itself perceiving by the experience of its +own passions, committed to the memory, or the memory of itself retained, +without being committed unto it. + +But whether by images or no, who can readily say? Thus, I name a stone, +I name the sun, the things themselves not being present to my senses, +but their images to my memory. I name a bodily pain, yet it is not +present with me, when nothing aches: yet unless its image were present +to my memory, I should not know what to say thereof, nor in discoursing +discern pain from pleasure. I name bodily health; being sound in body, +the thing itself is present with me; yet, unless its image also were +present in my memory, I could by no means recall what the sound of +this name should signify. Nor would the sick, when health were named, +recognise what were spoken, unless the same image were by the force of +memory retained, although the thing itself were absent from the body. I +name numbers whereby we number; and not their images, but themselves +are present in my memory. I name the image of the sun, and that image is +present in my memory. For I recall not the image of its image, but the +image itself is present to me, calling it to mind. I name memory, and +I recognise what I name. And where do I recognise it, but in the memory +itself? Is it also present to itself by its image, and not by itself? + +What, when I name forgetfulness, and withal recognise what I name? +whence should I recognise it, did I not remember it? I speak not of the +sound of the name, but of the thing which it signifies: which if I had +forgotten, I could not recognise what that sound signifies. When then I +remember memory, memory itself is, through itself, present with itself: +but when I remember forgetfulness, there are present both memory +and forgetfulness; memory whereby I remember, forgetfulness which I +remember. But what is forgetfulness, but the privation of memory? How +then is it present that I remember it, since when present I cannot +remember? But if what we remember we hold it in memory, yet, unless we +did remember forgetfulness, we could never at the hearing of the name +recognise the thing thereby signified, then forgetfulness is retained by +memory. Present then it is, that we forget not, and being so, we forget. +It is to be understood from this that forgetfulness when we remember it, +is not present to the memory by itself but by its image: because if +it were present by itself, it would not cause us to remember, but to +forget. Who now shall search out this? who shall comprehend how it is? + +Lord, I, truly, toil therein, yea and toil in myself; I am become a +heavy soil requiring over much sweat of the brow. For we are not now +searching out the regions of heaven, or measuring the distances of the +stars, or enquiring the balancings of the earth. It is I myself who +remember, I the mind. It is not so wonderful, if what I myself am not, +be far from me. But what is nearer to me than myself? And lo, the force +of mine own memory is not understood by me; though I cannot so much as +name myself without it. For what shall I say, when it is clear to +me that I remember forgetfulness? Shall I say that that is not in my +memory, which I remember? or shall I say that forgetfulness is for this +purpose in my memory, that I might not forget? Both were most absurd. +What third way is there? How can I say that the image of forgetfulness +is retained by my memory, not forgetfulness itself, when I remember it? +How could I say this either, seeing that when the image of any thing is +impressed on the memory, the thing itself must needs be first present, +whence that image may be impressed? For thus do I remember Carthage, +thus all places where I have been, thus men's faces whom I have seen, +and things reported by the other senses; thus the health or sickness of +the body. For when these things were present, my memory received from +them images, which being present with me, I might look on and bring +back in my mind, when I remembered them in their absence. If then this +forgetfulness is retained in the memory through its image, not through +itself, then plainly itself was once present, that its image might +be taken. But when it was present, how did it write its image in the +memory, seeing that forgetfulness by its presence effaces even what it +finds already noted? And yet, in whatever way, although that way be +past conceiving and explaining, yet certain am I that I remember +forgetfulness itself also, whereby what we remember is effaced. + +Great is the power of memory, a fearful thing, O my God, a deep and +boundless manifoldness; and this thing is the mind, and this am I +myself. What am I then, O my God? What nature am I? A life various and +manifold, and exceeding immense. Behold in the plains, and caves, and +caverns of my memory, innumerable and innumerably full of innumerable +kinds of things, either through images, as all bodies; or by actual +presence, as the arts; or by certain notions or impressions, as the +affections of the mind, which, even when the mind doth not feel, the +memory retaineth, while yet whatsoever is in the memory is also in the +mind--over all these do I run, I fly; I dive on this side and on that, +as far as I can, and there is no end. So great is the force of memory, +so great the force of life, even in the mortal life of man. What shall I +do then, O Thou my true life, my God? I will pass even beyond this power +of mine which is called memory: yea, I will pass beyond it, that I may +approach unto Thee, O sweet Light. What sayest Thou to me? See, I am +mounting up through my mind towards Thee who abidest above me. Yea, I +now will pass beyond this power of mine which is called memory, desirous +to arrive at Thee, whence Thou mayest be arrived at; and to cleave unto +Thee, whence one may cleave unto Thee. For even beasts and birds have +memory; else could they not return to their dens and nests, nor many +other things they are used unto: nor indeed could they be used to any +thing, but by memory. I will pass then beyond memory also, that I may +arrive at Him who hath separated me from the four-footed beasts and made +me wiser than the fowls of the air, I will pass beyond memory also, +and where shall I find Thee, Thou truly good and certain sweetness? And +where shall I find Thee? If I find Thee without my memory, then do I not +retain Thee in my memory. And how shall I find Thee, if I remember Thee +not? + +For the woman that had lost her groat, and sought it with a light; +unless she had remembered it, she had never found it. For when it was +found, whence should she know whether it were the same, unless she +remembered it? I remember to have sought and found many a thing; and +this I thereby know, that when I was seeking any of them, and was asked, +"Is this it?" "Is that it?" so long said I "No," until that were offered +me which I sought. Which had I not remembered (whatever it were) though +it were offered me, yet should I not find it, because I could not +recognise it. And so it ever is, when we seek and find any lost thing. +Notwithstanding, when any thing is by chance lost from the sight, not +from the memory (as any visible body), yet its image is still retained +within, and it is sought until it be restored to sight; and when it is +found, it is recognised by the image which is within: nor do we say +that we have found what was lost, unless we recognise it; nor can we +recognise it, unless we remember it. But this was lost to the eyes, but +retained in the memory. + +But what when the memory itself loses any thing, as falls out when we +forget and seek that we may recollect? Where in the end do we search, +but in the memory itself? and there, if one thing be perchance offered +instead of another, we reject it, until what we seek meets us; and when +it doth, we say, "This is it"; which we should not unless we recognised +it, nor recognise it unless we remembered it. Certainly then we had +forgotten it. Or, had not the whole escaped us, but by the part whereof +we had hold, was the lost part sought for; in that the memory felt that +it did not carry on together all which it was wont, and maimed, as it +were, by the curtailment of its ancient habit, demanded the restoration +of what it missed? For instance, if we see or think of some one known +to us, and having forgotten his name, try to recover it; whatever else +occurs, connects itself not therewith; because it was not wont to be +thought upon together with him, and therefore is rejected, until that +present itself, whereon the knowledge reposes equably as its wonted +object. And whence does that present itself, but out of the memory +itself? for even when we recognise it, on being reminded by another, it +is thence it comes. For we do not believe it as something new, but, +upon recollection, allow what was named to be right. But were it utterly +blotted out of the mind, we should not remember it, even when reminded. +For we have not as yet utterly forgotten that, which we remember +ourselves to have forgotten. What then we have utterly forgotten, though +lost, we cannot even seek after. + +How then do I seek Thee, O Lord? For when I seek Thee, my God, I seek a +happy life. I will seek Thee, that my soul may live. For my body liveth +by my soul; and my soul by Thee. How then do I seek a happy life, seeing +I have it not, until I can say, where I ought to say it, "It is enough"? +How seek I it? By remembrance, as though I had forgotten it, remembering +that I had forgotten it? Or, desiring to learn it as a thing unknown, +either never having known, or so forgotten it, as not even to remember +that I had forgotten it? is not a happy life what all will, and no one +altogether wills it not? where have they known it, that they so will it? +where seen it, that they so love it? Truly we have it, how, I know not. +Yea, there is another way, wherein when one hath it, then is he happy; +and there are, who are blessed, in hope. These have it in a lower kind, +than they who have it in very deed; yet are they better off than such as +are happy neither in deed nor in hope. Yet even these, had they it not +in some sort, would not so will to be happy, which that they do will, is +most certain. They have known it then, I know not how, and so have it by +some sort of knowledge, what, I know not, and am perplexed whether it be +in the memory, which if it be, then we have been happy once; whether all +severally, or in that man who first sinned, in whom also we all died, +and from whom we are all born with misery, I now enquire not; but only, +whether the happy life be in the memory? For neither should we love it, +did we not know it. We hear the name, and we all confess that we desire +the thing; for we are not delighted with the mere sound. For when +a Greek hears it in Latin, he is not delighted, not knowing what is +spoken; but we Latins are delighted, as would he too, if he heard it in +Greek; because the thing itself is neither Greek nor Latin, which Greeks +and Latins, and men of all other tongues, long for so earnestly. Known +therefore it is to all, for they with one voice be asked, "would they +be happy?" they would answer without doubt, "they would." And this could +not be, unless the thing itself whereof it is the name were retained in +their memory. + +But is it so, as one remembers Carthage who hath seen it? No. For a +happy life is not seen with the eye, because it is not a body. As we +remember numbers then? No. For these, he that hath in his knowledge, +seeks not further to attain unto; but a happy life we have in our +knowledge, and therefore love it, and yet still desire to attain it, +that we may be happy. As we remember eloquence then? No. For although +upon hearing this name also, some call to mind the thing, who still are +not yet eloquent, and many who desire to be so, whence it appears that +it is in their knowledge; yet these have by their bodily senses observed +others to be eloquent, and been delighted, and desire to be the like +(though indeed they would not be delighted but for some inward knowledge +thereof, nor wish to be the like, unless they were thus delighted); +whereas a happy life, we do by no bodily sense experience in others. As +then we remember joy? Perchance; for my joy I remember, even when sad, +as a happy life, when unhappy; nor did I ever with bodily sense see, +hear, smell, taste, or touch my joy; but I experienced it in my mind, +when I rejoiced; and the knowledge of it clave to my memory, so that I +can recall it with disgust sometimes, at others with longing, according +to the nature of the things, wherein I remember myself to have joyed. +For even from foul things have I been immersed in a sort of joy; which +now recalling, I detest and execrate; otherwhiles in good and honest +things, which I recall with longing, although perchance no longer +present; and therefore with sadness I recall former joy. + +Where then and when did I experience my happy life, that I should +remember, and love, and long for it? Nor is it I alone, or some few +besides, but we all would fain be happy; which, unless by some certain +knowledge we knew, we should not with so certain a will desire. But how +is this, that if two men be asked whether they would go to the wars, +one, perchance, would answer that he would, the other, that he would +not; but if they were asked whether they would be happy, both would +instantly without any doubting say they would; and for no other reason +would the one go to the wars, and the other not, but to be happy. Is it +perchance that as one looks for his joy in this thing, another in that, +all agree in their desire of being happy, as they would (if they were +asked) that they wished to have joy, and this joy they call a happy +life? Although then one obtains this joy by one means, another by +another, all have one end, which they strive to attain, namely, joy. +Which being a thing which all must say they have experienced, it is +therefore found in the memory, and recognised whenever the name of a +happy life is mentioned. + +Far be it, Lord, far be it from the heart of Thy servant who here +confesseth unto Thee, far be it, that, be the joy what it may, I should +therefore think myself happy. For there is a joy which is not given to +the ungodly, but to those who love Thee for Thine own sake, whose joy +Thou Thyself art. And this is the happy life, to rejoice to Thee, of +Thee, for Thee; this is it, and there is no other. For they who think +there is another, pursue some other and not the true joy. Yet is not +their will turned away from some semblance of joy. + +It is not certain then that all wish to be happy, inasmuch as they who +wish not to joy in Thee, which is the only happy life, do not truly +desire the happy life. Or do all men desire this, but because the flesh +lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh, that they +cannot do what they would, they fall upon that which they can, and are +content therewith; because, what they are not able to do, they do not +will so strongly as would suffice to make them able? For I ask any +one, had he rather joy in truth, or in falsehood? They will as little +hesitate to say "in the truth," as to say "that they desire to be +happy," for a happy life is joy in the truth: for this is a joying in +Thee, Who art the Truth, O God my light, health of my countenance, my +God. This is the happy life which all desire; this life which alone is +happy, all desire; to joy in the truth all desire. I have met with many +that would deceive; who would be deceived, no one. Where then did they +know this happy life, save where they know the truth also? For they love +it also, since they would not be deceived. And when they love a happy +life, which is no other than joying in the truth, then also do they love +the truth; which yet they would not love, were there not some notice of +it in their memory. Why then joy they not in it? why are they not happy? +because they are more strongly taken up with other things which have +more power to make them miserable, than that which they so faintly +remember to make them happy. For there is yet a little light in men; let +them walk, let them walk, that the darkness overtake them not. + +But why doth "truth generate hatred," and the man of Thine, preaching +the truth, become an enemy to them? whereas a happy life is loved, which +is nothing else but joying in the truth; unless that truth is in that +kind loved, that they who love anything else would gladly have that +which they love to be the truth: and because they would not be deceived, +would not be convinced that they are so? Therefore do they hate the +truth for that thing's sake which they loved instead of the truth. They +love truth when she enlightens, they hate her when she reproves. For +since they would not be deceived, and would deceive, they love her when +she discovers herself unto them, and hate her when she discovers them. +Whence she shall so repay them, that they who would not be made manifest +by her, she both against their will makes manifest, and herself becometh +not manifest unto them. Thus, thus, yea thus doth the mind of man, thus +blind and sick, foul and ill-favoured, wish to be hidden, but that aught +should be hidden from it, it wills not. But the contrary is requited it, +that itself should not be hidden from the Truth; but the Truth is hid +from it. Yet even thus miserable, it had rather joy in truths than in +falsehoods. Happy then will it be, when, no distraction interposing, it +shall joy in that only Truth, by Whom all things are true. + +See what a space I have gone over in my memory seeking Thee, O Lord; and +I have not found Thee, without it. Nor have I found any thing concerning +Thee, but what I have kept in memory, ever since I learnt Thee. For +since I learnt Thee, I have not forgotten Thee. For where I found Truth, +there found I my God, the Truth itself; which since I learnt, I have +not forgotten. Since then I learnt Thee, Thou residest in my memory; and +there do I find Thee, when I call Thee to remembrance, and delight in +Thee. These be my holy delights, which Thou hast given me in Thy mercy, +having regard to my poverty. + +But where in my memory residest Thou, O Lord, where residest Thou +there? what manner of lodging hast Thou framed for Thee? what manner of +sanctuary hast Thou builded for Thee? Thou hast given this honour to my +memory, to reside in it; but in what quarter of it Thou residest, that +am I considering. For in thinking on Thee, I passed beyond such parts of +it as the beasts also have, for I found Thee not there among the images +of corporeal things: and I came to those parts to which I committed the +affections of my mind, nor found Thee there. And I entered into the +very seat of my mind (which it hath in my memory, inasmuch as the mind +remembers itself also), neither wert Thou there: for as Thou art not +a corporeal image, nor the affection of a living being (as when we +rejoice, condole, desire, fear, remember, forget, or the like); so +neither art Thou the mind itself; because Thou art the Lord God of the +mind; and all these are changed, but Thou remainest unchangeable over +all, and yet hast vouchsafed to dwell in my memory, since I learnt Thee. +And why seek I now in what place thereof Thou dwellest, as if there +were places therein? Sure I am, that in it Thou dwellest, since I have +remembered Thee ever since I learnt Thee, and there I find Thee, when I +call Thee to remembrance. + +Where then did I find Thee, that I might learn Thee? For in my memory +Thou wert not, before I learned Thee. Where then did I find Thee, that +I might learn Thee, but in Thee above me? Place there is none; we go +backward and forward, and there is no place. Every where, O Truth, dost +Thou give audience to all who ask counsel of Thee, and at once answerest +all, though on manifold matters they ask Thy counsel. Clearly dost Thou +answer, though all do not clearly hear. All consult Thee on what they +will, though they hear not always what they will. He is Thy best servant +who looks not so much to hear that from Thee which himself willeth, as +rather to will that, which from Thee he heareth. + +Too late loved I Thee, O Thou Beauty of ancient days, yet ever new! too +late I loved Thee! And behold, Thou wert within, and I abroad, and there +I searched for Thee; deformed I, plunging amid those fair forms which +Thou hadst made. Thou wert with me, but I was not with Thee. Things held +me far from Thee, which, unless they were in Thee, were not at all. +Thou calledst, and shoutedst, and burstest my deafness. Thou flashedst, +shonest, and scatteredst my blindness. Thou breathedst odours, and I +drew in breath and panted for Thee. I tasted, and hunger and thirst. +Thou touchedst me, and I burned for Thy peace. + +When I shall with my whole self cleave to Thee, I shall no where have +sorrow or labour; and my life shall wholly live, as wholly full of Thee. +But now since whom Thou fillest, Thou liftest up, because I am not full +of Thee I am a burden to myself. Lamentable joys strive with joyous +sorrows: and on which side is the victory, I know not. Woe is me! Lord, +have pity on me. My evil sorrows strive with my good joys; and on which +side is the victory, I know not. Woe is me! Lord, have pity on me. Woe +is me! lo! I hide not my wounds; Thou art the Physician, I the sick; +Thou merciful, I miserable. Is not the life of man upon earth all trial? +Who wishes for troubles and difficulties? Thou commandest them to be +endured, not to be loved. No man loves what he endures, though he love +to endure. For though he rejoices that he endures, he had rather there +were nothing for him to endure. In adversity I long for prosperity, in +prosperity I fear adversity. What middle place is there betwixt these +two, where the life of man is not all trial? Woe to the prosperities of +the world, once and again, through fear of adversity, and corruption of +joy! Woe to the adversities of the world, once and again, and the third +time, from the longing for prosperity, and because adversity itself is +a hard thing, and lest it shatter endurance. Is not the life of man upon +earth all trial: without any interval? + +And all my hope is no where but in Thy exceeding great mercy. Give what +Thou enjoinest, and enjoin what Thou wilt. Thou enjoinest us continency; +and when I knew, saith one, that no man can be continent, unless God +give it, this also was a part of wisdom to know whose gift she is. By +continency verily are we bound up and brought back into One, whence we +were dissipated into many. For too little doth he love Thee, who loves +any thing with Thee, which he loveth not for Thee. O love, who ever +burnest and never consumest! O charity, my God, kindle me. Thou +enjoinest continency: give me what Thou enjoinest, and enjoin what Thou +wilt. + +Verily Thou enjoinest me continency from the lust of the flesh, the lust +of the eyes, and the ambition of the world. Thou enjoinest continency +from concubinage; and for wedlock itself, Thou hast counselled something +better than what Thou hast permitted. And since Thou gavest it, it was +done, even before I became a dispenser of Thy Sacrament. But there yet +live in my memory (whereof I have much spoken) the images of such things +as my ill custom there fixed; which haunt me, strengthless when I am +awake: but in sleep, not only so as to give pleasure, but even to obtain +assent, and what is very like reality. Yea, so far prevails the illusion +of the image, in my soul and in my flesh, that, when asleep, false +visions persuade to that which when waking, the true cannot. Am I not +then myself, O Lord my God? And yet there is so much difference betwixt +myself and myself, within that moment wherein I pass from waking to +sleeping, or return from sleeping to waking! Where is reason then, +which, awake, resisteth such suggestions? And should the things +themselves be urged on it, it remaineth unshaken. Is it clasped up with +the eyes? is it lulled asleep with the senses of the body? And whence is +it that often even in sleep we resist, and mindful of our purpose, and +abiding most chastely in it, yield no assent to such enticements? And +yet so much difference there is, that when it happeneth otherwise, upon +waking we return to peace of conscience: and by this very difference +discover that we did not, what yet we be sorry that in some way it was +done in us. + +Art Thou not mighty, God Almighty, so as to heal all the diseases of my +soul, and by Thy more abundant grace to quench even the impure motions +of my sleep! Thou wilt increase, Lord, Thy gifts more and more in me, +that my soul may follow me to Thee, disentangled from the birdlime of +concupiscence; that it rebel not against itself, and even in dreams not +only not, through images of sense, commit those debasing corruptions, +even to pollution of the flesh, but not even to consent unto them. For +that nothing of this sort should have, over the pure affections even of +a sleeper, the very least influence, not even such as a thought would +restrain,--to work this, not only during life, but even at my present +age, is not hard for the Almighty, Who art able to do above all that +we ask or think. But what I yet am in this kind of my evil, have I +confessed unto my good Lord; rejoicing with trembling, in that which +Thou hast given me, and bemoaning that wherein I am still imperfect; +hoping that Thou wilt perfect Thy mercies in me, even to perfect peace, +which my outward and inward man shall have with Thee, when death shall +be swallowed up in victory. + +There is another evil of the day, which I would were sufficient for it. +For by eating and drinking we repair the daily decays of our body, until +Thou destroy both belly and meat, when Thou shalt slay my emptiness +with a wonderful fulness, and clothe this incorruptible with an eternal +incorruption. But now the necessity is sweet unto me, against which +sweetness I fight, that I be not taken captive; and carry on a daily war +by fastings; often bringing my body into subjection; and my pains are +removed by pleasure. For hunger and thirst are in a manner pains; they +burn and kill like a fever, unless the medicine of nourishments come +to our aid. Which since it is at hand through the consolations of Thy +gifts, with which land, and water, and air serve our weakness, our +calamity is termed gratification. + +This hast Thou taught me, that I should set myself to take food as +physic. But while I am passing from the discomfort of emptiness to the +content of replenishing, in the very passage the snare of concupiscence +besets me. For that passing, is pleasure, nor is there any other way to +pass thither, whither we needs must pass. And health being the cause of +eating and drinking, there joineth itself as an attendant a dangerous +pleasure, which mostly endeavours to go before it, so that I may for her +sake do what I say I do, or wish to do, for health's sake. Nor have +each the same measure; for what is enough for health, is too little for +pleasure. And oft it is uncertain, whether it be the necessary care of +the body which is yet asking for sustenance, or whether a voluptuous +deceivableness of greediness is proffering its services. In this +uncertainty the unhappy soul rejoiceth, and therein prepares an excuse +to shield itself, glad that it appeareth not what sufficeth for the +moderation of health, that under the cloak of health, it may disguise +the matter of gratification. These temptations I daily endeavour +to resist, and I call on Thy right hand, and to Thee do I refer my +perplexities; because I have as yet no settled counsel herein. + +I hear the voice of my God commanding, Let not your hearts be +overcharged with surfeiting and drunkenness. Drunkenness is far from +me; Thou wilt have mercy, that it come not near me. But full feeding +sometimes creepeth upon Thy servant; Thou wilt have mercy, that it may +be far from me. For no one can be continent unless Thou give it. Many +things Thou givest us, praying for them; and what good soever we have +received before we prayed, from Thee we received it; yea to the end we +might afterwards know this, did we before receive it. Drunkard was I +never, but drunkards have I known made sober by Thee. From Thee then it +was, that they who never were such, should not so be, as from Thee it +was, that they who have been, should not ever so be; and from Thee it +was, that both might know from Whom it was. I heard another voice of +Thine, Go not after thy lusts, and from thy pleasure turn away. Yea by +Thy favour have I heard that which I have much loved; neither if we eat, +shall we abound; neither if we eat not, shall we lack; which is to say, +neither shall the one make me plenteous, nor the other miserable. +I heard also another, for I have learned in whatsoever state I am, +therewith to be content; I know how to abound, and how to suffer need. I +can do all things through Christ that strengtheneth me. Behold a soldier +of the heavenly camp, not the dust which we are. But remember, Lord, +that we are dust, and that of dust Thou hast made man; and he was lost +and is found. Nor could he of himself do this, because he whom I so +loved, saying this through the in-breathing of Thy inspiration, was +of the same dust. I can do all things (saith he) through Him that +strengtheneth me. Strengthen me, that I can. Give what Thou enjoinest, +and enjoin what Thou wilt. He confesses to have received, and when he +glorieth, in the Lord he glorieth. Another have I heard begging that he +might receive. Take from me (saith he) the desires of the belly; whence +it appeareth, O my holy God, that Thou givest, when that is done which +Thou commandest to be done. + +Thou hast taught me, good Father, that to the pure, all things are pure; +but that it is evil unto the man that eateth with offence; and, that +every creature of Thine is good, and nothing to be refused, which is +received with thanksgiving; and that meat commendeth us not to God; and, +that no man should judge us in meat or drink; and, that he which eateth, +let him not despise him that eateth not; and let not him that eateth +not, judge him that eateth. These things have I learned, thanks be +to Thee, praise to Thee, my God, my Master, knocking at my ears, +enlightening my heart; deliver me out of all temptation. I fear not +uncleanness of meat, but the uncleanness of lusting. I know; that Noah +was permitted to eat all kind of flesh that was good for food; that +Elijah was fed with flesh; that endued with an admirable abstinence, was +not polluted by feeding on living creatures, locusts. I know also that +Esau was deceived by lusting for lentiles; and that David blamed himself +for desiring a draught of water; and that our King was tempted, not +concerning flesh, but bread. And therefore the people in the wilderness +also deserved to be reproved, not for desiring flesh, but because, in +the desire of food, they murmured against the Lord. + +Placed then amid these temptations, I strive daily against concupiscence +in eating and drinking. For it is not of such nature that I can settle +on cutting it off once for all, and never touching it afterward, as +I could of concubinage. The bridle of the throat then is to be held +attempered between slackness and stiffness. And who is he, O Lord, who +is not some whit transported beyond the limits of necessity? whoever he +is, he is a great one; let him make Thy Name great. But I am not such, +for I am a sinful man. Yet do I too magnify Thy name; and He maketh +intercession to Thee for my sins who hath overcome the world; numbering +me among the weak members of His body; because Thine eyes have seen that +of Him which is imperfect, and in Thy book shall all be written. + +With the allurements of smells, I am not much concerned. When absent, I +do not miss them; when present, I do not refuse them; yet ever ready to +be without them. So I seem to myself; perchance I am deceived. For that +also is a mournful darkness whereby my abilities within me are hidden +from me; so that my mind making enquiry into herself of her own powers, +ventures not readily to believe herself; because even what is in it +is mostly hidden, unless experience reveal it. And no one ought to be +secure in that life, the whole whereof is called a trial, that he who +hath been capable of worse to be made better, may not likewise of better +be made worse. Our only hope, only confidence, only assured promise is +Thy mercy. + +The delights of the ear had more firmly entangled and subdued me; but +Thou didst loosen and free me. Now, in those melodies which Thy words +breathe soul into, when sung with a sweet and attuned voice, I do +a little repose; yet not so as to be held thereby, but that I can +disengage myself when I will. But with the words which are their +life and whereby they find admission into me, themselves seek in my +affections a place of some estimation, and I can scarcely assign them +one suitable. For at one time I seem to myself to give them more honour +than is seemly, feeling our minds to be more holily and fervently raised +unto a flame of devotion, by the holy words themselves when thus sung, +than when not; and that the several affections of our spirit, by a sweet +variety, have their own proper measures in the voice and singing, by +some hidden correspondence wherewith they are stirred up. But this +contentment of the flesh, to which the soul must not be given over to be +enervated, doth oft beguile me, the sense not so waiting upon reason as +patiently to follow her; but having been admitted merely for her sake, +it strives even to run before her, and lead her. Thus in these things I +unawares sin, but afterwards am aware of it. + +At other times, shunning over-anxiously this very deception, I err in +too great strictness; and sometimes to that degree, as to wish the whole +melody of sweet music which is used to David's Psalter, banished from +my ears, and the Church's too; and that mode seems to me safer, which I +remember to have been often told me of Athanasius, Bishop of Alexandria, +who made the reader of the psalm utter it with so slight inflection +of voice, that it was nearer speaking than singing. Yet again, when +I remember the tears I shed at the Psalmody of Thy Church, in the +beginning of my recovered faith; and how at this time I am moved, not +with the singing, but with the things sung, when they are sung with a +clear voice and modulation most suitable, I acknowledge the great use +of this institution. Thus I fluctuate between peril of pleasure and +approved wholesomeness; inclined the rather (though not as pronouncing +an irrevocable opinion) to approve of the usage of singing in the +church; that so by the delight of the ears the weaker minds may rise to +the feeling of devotion. Yet when it befalls me to be more moved with +the voice than the words sung, I confess to have sinned penally, and +then had rather not hear music. See now my state; weep with me, and weep +for me, ye, whoso regulate your feelings within, as that good action +ensues. For you who do not act, these things touch not you. But Thou, O +Lord my God, hearken; behold, and see, and have mercy and heal me, Thou, +in whose presence I have become a problem to myself; and that is my +infirmity. + +There remains the pleasure of these eyes of my flesh, on which to make +my confessions in the hearing of the ears of Thy temple, those brotherly +and devout ears; and so to conclude the temptations of the lust of +the flesh, which yet assail me, groaning earnestly, and desiring to be +clothed upon with my house from heaven. The eyes love fair and varied +forms, and bright and soft colours. Let not these occupy my soul; let +God rather occupy it, who made these things, very good indeed, yet is +He my good, not they. And these affect me, waking, the whole day, nor +is any rest given me from them, as there is from musical, sometimes in +silence, from all voices. For this queen of colours, the light, bathing +all which we behold, wherever I am through the day, gliding by me in +varied forms, soothes me when engaged on other things, and not observing +it. And so strongly doth it entwine itself, that if it be suddenly +withdrawn, it is with longing sought for, and if absent long, saddeneth +the mind. + +O Thou Light, which Tobias saw, when, these eyes closed, he taught his +son the way of life; and himself went before with the feet of charity, +never swerving. Or which Isaac saw, when his fleshly eyes being heavy +and closed by old age, it was vouchsafed him, not knowingly, to bless +his sons, but by blessing to know them. Or which Jacob saw, when he +also, blind through great age, with illumined heart, in the persons of +his sons shed light on the different races of the future people, in +them foresignified; and laid his hands, mystically crossed, upon +his grandchildren by Joseph, not as their father by his outward eye +corrected them, but as himself inwardly discerned. This is the light, it +is one, and all are one, who see and love it. But that corporeal light +whereof I spake, it seasoneth the life of this world for her blind +lovers, with an enticing and dangerous sweetness. But they who know how +to praise Thee for it, "O all-creating Lord," take it up in Thy hymns, +and are not taken up with it in their sleep. Such would I be. These +seductions of the eyes I resist, lest my feet wherewith I walk upon Thy +way be ensnared; and I lift up mine invisible eyes to Thee, that Thou +wouldest pluck my feet out of the snare. Thou dost ever and anon pluck +them out, for they are ensnared. Thou ceasest not to pluck them out, +while I often entangle myself in the snares on all sides laid; because +Thou that keepest Israel shalt neither slumber nor sleep. + +What innumerable toys, made by divers arts and manufactures, in our +apparel, shoes, utensils and all sorts of works, in pictures also and +divers images, and these far exceeding all necessary and moderate use +and all pious meaning, have men added to tempt their own eyes withal; +outwardly following what themselves make, inwardly forsaking Him by whom +themselves were made, and destroying that which themselves have been +made! But I, my God and my Glory, do hence also sing a hymn to Thee, and +do consecrate praise to Him who consecrateth me, because those beautiful +patterns which through men's souls are conveyed into their cunning +hands, come from that Beauty, which is above our souls, which my soul +day and night sigheth after. But the framers and followers of the +outward beauties derive thence the rule of judging of them, but not of +using them. And He is there, though they perceive Him not, that so they +might not wander, but keep their strength for Thee, and not scatter it +abroad upon pleasurable weariness. And I, though I speak and see this, +entangle my steps with these outward beauties; but Thou pluckest me out, +O Lord, Thou pluckest me out; because Thy loving-kindness is before my +eyes. For I am taken miserably, and Thou pluckest me out mercifully; +sometimes not perceiving it, when I had but lightly lighted upon them; +otherwhiles with pain, because I had stuck fast in them. + +To this is added another form of temptation more manifoldly dangerous. +For besides that concupiscence of the flesh which consisteth in the +delight of all senses and pleasures, wherein its slaves, who go far from +Thee, waste and perish, the soul hath, through the same senses of the +body, a certain vain and curious desire, veiled under the title of +knowledge and learning, not of delighting in the flesh, but of making +experiments through the flesh. The seat whereof being in the appetite +of knowledge, and sight being the sense chiefly used for attaining +knowledge, it is in Divine language called The lust of the eyes. For, to +see, belongeth properly to the eyes; yet we use this word of the other +senses also, when we employ them in seeking knowledge. For we do not +say, hark how it flashes, or smell how it glows, or taste how it shines, +or feel how it gleams; for all these are said to be seen. And yet we +say not only, see how it shineth, which the eyes alone can perceive; but +also, see how it soundeth, see how it smelleth, see how it tasteth, +see how hard it is. And so the general experience of the senses, as +was said, is called The lust of the eyes, because the office of seeing, +wherein the eyes hold the prerogative, the other senses by way +of similitude take to themselves, when they make search after any +knowledge. + +But by this may more evidently be discerned, wherein pleasure and +wherein curiosity is the object of the senses; for pleasure seeketh +objects beautiful, melodious, fragrant, savoury, soft; but curiosity, +for trial's sake, the contrary as well, not for the sake of suffering +annoyance, but out of the lust of making trial and knowing them. For +what pleasure hath it, to see in a mangled carcase what will make you +shudder? and yet if it be lying near, they flock thither, to be made +sad, and to turn pale. Even in sleep they are afraid to see it. As if +when awake, any one forced them to see it, or any report of its beauty +drew them thither! Thus also in the other senses, which it were long to +go through. From this disease of curiosity are all those strange sights +exhibited in the theatre. Hence men go on to search out the hidden +powers of nature (which is besides our end), which to know profits not, +and wherein men desire nothing but to know. Hence also, if with that +same end of perverted knowledge magical arts be enquired by. Hence also +in religion itself, is God tempted, when signs and wonders are demanded +of Him, not desired for any good end, but merely to make trial of. + +In this so vast wilderness, full of snares and dangers, behold many of +them I have cut off, and thrust out of my heart, as Thou hast given me, +O God of my salvation. And yet when dare I say, since so many things of +this kind buzz on all sides about our daily life--when dare I say that +nothing of this sort engages my attention, or causes in me an idle +interest? True, the theatres do not now carry me away, nor care I to +know the courses of the stars, nor did my soul ever consult ghosts +departed; all sacrilegious mysteries I detest. From Thee, O Lord my God, +to whom I owe humble and single-hearted service, by what artifices +and suggestions doth the enemy deal with me to desire some sign! But I +beseech Thee by our King, and by our pure and holy country, Jerusalem, +that as any consenting thereto is far from me, so may it ever be further +and further. But when I pray Thee for the salvation of any, my end and +intention is far different. Thou givest and wilt give me to follow Thee +willingly, doing what Thou wilt. + +Notwithstanding, in how many most petty and contemptible things is our +curiosity daily tempted, and how often we give way, who can recount? How +often do we begin as if we were tolerating people telling vain stories, +lest we offend the weak; then by degrees we take interest therein! I go +not now to the circus to see a dog coursing a hare; but in the field, +if passing, that coursing peradventure will distract me even from some +weighty thought, and draw me after it: not that I turn aside the body +of my beast, yet still incline my mind thither. And unless Thou, having +made me see my infirmity didst speedily admonish me either through the +sight itself by some contemplation to rise towards Thee, or altogether +to despise and pass it by, I dully stand fixed therein. What, when +sitting at home, a lizard catching flies, or a spider entangling them +rushing into her nets, oft-times takes my attention? Is the thing +different, because they are but small creatures? I go on from them to +praise Thee the wonderful Creator and Orderer of all, but this does not +first draw my attention. It is one thing to rise quickly, another not +to fall. And of such things is my life full; and my one hope is Thy +wonderful great mercy. For when our heart becomes the receptacle of such +things, and is overcharged with throngs of this abundant vanity, then +are our prayers also thereby often interrupted and distracted, and +whilst in Thy presence we direct the voice of our heart to Thine ears, +this so great concern is broken off by the rushing in of I know not what +idle thoughts. Shall we then account this also among things of slight +concernment, or shall aught bring us back to hope, save Thy complete +mercy, since Thou hast begun to change us? + +And Thou knowest how far Thou hast already changed me, who first +healedst me of the lust of vindicating myself, that so Thou mightest +forgive all the rest of my iniquities, and heal all my infirmities, +and redeem life from corruption, and crown me with mercy and pity, and +satisfy my desire with good things: who didst curb my pride with Thy +fear, and tame my neck to Thy yoke. And now I bear it and it is light +unto me, because so hast Thou promised, and hast made it; and verily so +it was, and I knew it not, when I feared to take it. + +But, O Lord, Thou alone Lord without pride, because Thou art the only +true Lord, who hast no lord; hath this third kind of temptation also +ceased from me, or can it cease through this whole life? To wish, +namely, to be feared and loved of men, for no other end, but that we +may have a joy therein which is no joy? A miserable life this and a foul +boastfulness! Hence especially it comes that men do neither purely love +nor fear Thee. And therefore dost Thou resist the proud, and givest +grace to the humble: yea, Thou thunderest down upon the ambitions of the +world, and the foundations of the mountains tremble. Because now certain +offices of human society make it necessary to be loved and feared of +men, the adversary of our true blessedness layeth hard at us, every +where spreading his snares of "well-done, well-done"; that greedily +catching at them, we may be taken unawares, and sever our joy from Thy +truth, and set it in the deceivingness of men; and be pleased at being +loved and feared, not for Thy sake, but in Thy stead: and thus having +been made like him, he may have them for his own, not in the bands of +charity, but in the bonds of punishment: who purposed to set his throne +in the north, that dark and chilled they might serve him, pervertedly +and crookedly imitating Thee. But we, O Lord, behold we are Thy little +flock; possess us as Thine, stretch Thy wings over us, and let us fly +under them. Be Thou our glory; let us be loved for Thee, and Thy word +feared in us. Who would be praised of men when Thou blamest, will not be +defended of men when Thou judgest; nor delivered when Thou condemnest. +But when--not the sinner is praised in the desires of his soul, nor he +blessed who doth ungodlily, but--a man is praised for some gift which +Thou hast given him, and he rejoices more at the praise for himself than +that he hath the gift for which he is praised, he also is praised, while +Thou dispraisest; better is he who praised than he who is praised. For +the one took pleasure in the gift of God in man; the other was better +pleased with the gift of man, than of God. + +By these temptations we are assailed daily, O Lord; without ceasing are +we assailed. Our daily furnace is the tongue of men. And in this way +also Thou commandest us continence. Give what Thou enjoinest, and enjoin +what Thou wilt. Thou knowest on this matter the groans of my heart, and +the floods of mine eyes. For I cannot learn how far I am more cleansed +from this plague, and I much fear my secret sins, which Thine eyes know, +mine do not. For in other kinds of temptations I have some sort of means +of examining myself; in this, scarce any. For, in refraining my mind +from the pleasures of the flesh and idle curiosity, I see how much I +have attained to, when I do without them; foregoing, or not having them. +For then I ask myself how much more or less troublesome it is to me not +to have them? Then, riches, which are desired, that they may serve to +some one or two or all of the three concupiscences, if the soul cannot +discern whether, when it hath them, it despiseth them, they may be +cast aside, that so it may prove itself. But to be without praise, +and therein essay our powers, must we live ill, yea so abandonedly and +atrociously, that no one should know without detesting us? What greater +madness can be said or thought of? But if praise useth and ought to +accompany a good life and good works, we ought as little to forego its +company, as good life itself. Yet I know not whether I can well or ill +be without anything, unless it be absent. + +What then do I confess unto Thee in this kind of temptation, O Lord? +What, but that I am delighted with praise, but with truth itself, more +than with praise? For were it proposed to me, whether I would, being +frenzied in error on all things, be praised by all men, or being +consistent and most settled in the truth be blamed by all, I see which +I should choose. Yet fain would I that the approbation of another should +not even increase my joy for any good in me. Yet I own, it doth increase +it, and not so only, but dispraise doth diminish it. And when I am +troubled at this my misery, an excuse occurs to me, which of what value +it is, Thou God knowest, for it leaves me uncertain. For since Thou hast +commanded us not continency alone, that is, from what things to refrain +our love, but righteousness also, that is, whereon to bestow it, and +hast willed us to love not Thee only, but our neighbour also; often, +when pleased with intelligent praise, I seem to myself to be pleased +with the proficiency or towardliness of my neighbour, or to be grieved +for evil in him, when I hear him dispraise either what he understands +not, or is good. For sometimes I am grieved at my own praise, either +when those things be praised in me, in which I mislike myself, or even +lesser and slight goods are more esteemed than they ought. But again how +know I whether I am therefore thus affected, because I would not have +him who praiseth me differ from me about myself; not as being influenced +by concern for him, but because those same good things which please me +in myself, please me more when they please another also? For some how I +am not praised when my judgment of myself is not praised; forasmuch +as either those things are praised, which displease me; or those more, +which please me less. Am I then doubtful of myself in this matter? + +Behold, in Thee, O Truth, I see that I ought not to be moved at my own +praises, for my own sake, but for the good of my neighbour. And whether +it be so with me, I know not. For herein I know less of myself than of +Thee. I beseech now, O my God, discover to me myself also, that I may +confess unto my brethren, who are to pray for me, wherein I find myself +maimed. Let me examine myself again more diligently. If in my praise I +am moved with the good of my neighbour, why am I less moved if another +be unjustly dispraised than if it be myself? Why am I more stung by +reproach cast upon myself, than at that cast upon another, with the +same injustice, before me? Know I not this also? or is it at last that I +deceive myself, and do not the truth before Thee in my heart and tongue? +This madness put far from me, O Lord, lest mine own mouth be to me the +sinner's oil to make fat my head. I am poor and needy; yet best, while +in hidden groanings I displease myself, and seek Thy mercy, until what +is lacking in my defective state be renewed and perfected, on to that +peace which the eye of the proud knoweth not. + +Yet the word which cometh out of the mouth, and deeds known to men, +bring with them a most dangerous temptation through the love of praise: +which, to establish a certain excellency of our own, solicits and +collects men's suffrages. It tempts, even when it is reproved by myself +in myself, on the very ground that it is reproved; and often glories +more vainly of the very contempt of vain-glory; and so it is no longer +contempt of vain-glory, whereof it glories; for it doth not contemn when +it glorieth. + +Within also, within is another evil, arising out of a like temptation; +whereby men become vain, pleasing themselves in themselves, though they +please not, or displease or care not to please others. But pleasing +themselves, they much displease Thee, not only taking pleasure in things +not good, as if good, but in Thy good things, as though their own; or +even if as Thine, yet as though for their own merits; or even if as +though from Thy grace, yet not with brotherly rejoicing, but envying +that grace to others. In all these and the like perils and travails, +Thou seest the trembling of my heart; and I rather feel my wounds to be +cured by Thee, than not inflicted by me. + +Where hast Thou not walked with me, O Truth, teaching me what to beware, +and what to desire; when I referred to Thee what I could discover +here below, and consulted Thee? With my outward senses, as I might, I +surveyed the world, and observed the life, which my body hath from me, +and these my senses. Thence entered I the recesses of my memory, those +manifold and spacious chambers, wonderfully furnished with innumerable +stores; and I considered, and stood aghast; being able to discern +nothing of these things without Thee, and finding none of them to be +Thee. Nor was I myself, who found out these things, who went over them +all, and laboured to distinguish and to value every thing according +to its dignity, taking some things upon the report of my senses, +questioning about others which I felt to be mingled with myself, +numbering and distinguishing the reporters themselves, and in the large +treasure-house of my memory revolving some things, storing up others, +drawing out others. Nor yet was I myself when I did this, i.e., that my +power whereby I did it, neither was it Thou, for Thou art the abiding +light, which I consulted concerning all these, whether they were, +what they were, and how to be valued; and I heard Thee directing and +commanding me; and this I often do, this delights me, and as far as I +may be freed from necessary duties, unto this pleasure have I recourse. +Nor in all these which I run over consulting Thee can I find any safe +place for my soul, but in Thee; whither my scattered members may +be gathered, and nothing of me depart from Thee. And sometimes Thou +admittest me to an affection, very unusual, in my inmost soul; rising to +a strange sweetness, which if it were perfected in me, I know not what +in it would not belong to the life to come. But through my miserable +encumbrances I sink down again into these lower things, and am swept +back by former custom, and am held, and greatly weep, but am greatly +held. So much doth the burden of a bad custom weigh us down. Here I can +stay, but would not; there I would, but cannot; both ways, miserable. + +Thus then have I considered the sicknesses of my sins in that threefold +concupiscence, and have called Thy right hand to my help. For with a +wounded heart have I beheld Thy brightness, and stricken back I said, +"Who can attain thither? I am cast away from the sight of Thine eyes." +Thou art the Truth who presidest over all, but I through my covetousness +would not indeed forego Thee, but would with Thee possess a lie; as no +man would in such wise speak falsely, as himself to be ignorant of the +truth. So then I lost Thee, because Thou vouchsafest not to be possessed +with a lie. + +Whom could I find to reconcile me to Thee? was I to have recourse to +Angels? by what prayers? by what sacraments? Many endeavouring to return +unto Thee, and of themselves unable, have, as I hear, tried this, and +fallen into the desire of curious visions, and been accounted worthy +to be deluded. For they, being high minded, sought Thee by the pride of +learning, swelling out rather than smiting upon their breasts, and so +by the agreement of their heart, drew unto themselves the princes of the +air, the fellow-conspirators of their pride, by whom, through magical +influences, they were deceived, seeking a mediator, by whom they might +be purged, and there was none. For the devil it was, transforming +himself into an Angel of light. And it much enticed proud flesh, that he +had no body of flesh. For they were mortal, and sinners; but thou, Lord, +to whom they proudly sought to be reconciled, art immortal, and without +sin. But a mediator between God and man must have something like to God, +something like to men; lest being in both like to man, he should be +far from God: or if in both like God, too unlike man: and so not be a +mediator. That deceitful mediator then, by whom in Thy secret judgments +pride deserved to be deluded, hath one thing in common with man, that +is sin; another he would seem to have in common with God; and not being +clothed with the mortality of flesh, would vaunt himself to be immortal. +But since the wages of sin is death, this hath he in common with men, +that with them he should be condemned to death. + +But the true Mediator, Whom in Thy secret mercy Thou hast showed to the +humble, and sentest, that by His example also they might learn that +same humility, that Mediator between God and man, the Man Christ Jesus, +appeared betwixt mortal sinners and the immortal just One; mortal with +men, just with God: that because the wages of righteousness is life and +peace, He might by a righteousness conjoined with God make void that +death of sinners, now made righteous, which He willed to have in common +with them. Hence He was showed forth to holy men of old; that so they, +through faith in His Passion to come, as we through faith of it passed, +might be saved. For as Man, He was a Mediator; but as the Word, not in +the middle between God and man, because equal to God, and God with God, +and together one God. + +How hast Thou loved us, good Father, who sparedst not Thine only Son, +but deliveredst Him up for us ungodly! How hast Thou loved us, for whom +He that thought it no robbery to be equal with Thee, was made subject +even to the death of the cross, He alone, free among the dead, having +power to lay down His life, and power to take it again: for us to Thee +both Victor and Victim, and therefore Victor, because the Victim; for +us to Thee Priest and Sacrifice, and therefore Priest because the +Sacrifice; making us to Thee, of servants, sons by being born of Thee, +and serving us. Well then is my hope strong in Him, that Thou wilt heal +all my infirmities, by Him Who sitteth at Thy right hand and maketh +intercession for us; else should I despair. For many and great are my +infirmities, many they are, and great; but Thy medicine is mightier. We +might imagine that Thy Word was far from any union with man, and despair +of ourselves, unless He had been made flesh and dwelt among us. + +Affrighted with my sins and the burden of my misery, I had cast in my +heart, and had purposed to flee to the wilderness: but Thou forbadest +me, and strengthenedst me, saying, Therefore Christ died for all, that +they which live may now no longer live unto themselves, but unto Him +that died for them. See, Lord, I cast my care upon Thee, that I may +live, and consider wondrous things out of Thy law. Thou knowest my +unskilfulness, and my infirmities; teach me, and heal me. He, Thine only +Son, in Whom are hid all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge, hath +redeemed me with His blood. Let not the proud speak evil of me; because +I meditate on my ransom, and eat and drink, and communicate it; and +poor, desired to be satisfied from Him, amongst those that eat and are +satisfied, and they shall praise the Lord who seek Him. + + + + +BOOK XI + + +Lord, since eternity is Thine, art Thou ignorant of what I say to Thee? +or dost Thou see in time, what passeth in time? Why then do I lay in +order before Thee so many relations? Not, of a truth, that Thou mightest +learn them through me, but to stir up mine own and my readers' devotions +towards Thee, that we may all say, Great is the Lord, and greatly to be +praised. I have said already; and again will say, for love of Thy +love do I this. For we pray also, and yet Truth hath said, Your Father +knoweth what you have need of, before you ask. It is then our affections +which we lay open unto Thee, confessing our own miseries, and Thy +mercies upon us, that Thou mayest free us wholly, since Thou hast begun, +that we may cease to be wretched in ourselves, and be blessed in Thee; +seeing Thou hast called us, to become poor in spirit, and meek, and +mourners, and hungering and athirst after righteousness, and merciful, +and pure in heart, and peace-makers. See, I have told Thee many things, +as I could and as I would, because Thou first wouldest that I should +confess unto Thee, my Lord God. For Thou art good, for Thy mercy +endureth for ever. + +But how shall I suffice with the tongue of my pen to utter all Thy +exhortations, and all Thy terrors, and comforts, and guidances, whereby +Thou broughtest me to preach Thy Word, and dispense Thy Sacrament to Thy +people? And if I suffice to utter them in order, the drops of time are +precious with me; and long have I burned to meditate in Thy law, and +therein to confess to Thee my skill and unskilfulness, the day-break of +Thy enlightening, and the remnants of my darkness, until infirmity be +swallowed up by strength. And I would not have aught besides steal away +those hours which I find free from the necessities of refreshing my body +and the powers of my mind, and of the service which we owe to men, or +which though we owe not, we yet pay. + +O Lord my God, give ear unto my prayer, and let Thy mercy hearken unto +my desire: because it is anxious not for myself alone, but would serve +brotherly charity; and Thou seest my heart, that so it is. I would +sacrifice to Thee the service of my thought and tongue; do Thou give me, +what I may offer Thee. For I am poor and needy, Thou rich to all that +call upon Thee; Who, inaccessible to care, carest for us. Circumcise +from all rashness and all lying both my inward and outward lips: let +Thy Scriptures be my pure delights: let me not be deceived in them, nor +deceive out of them. Lord, hearken and pity, O Lord my God, Light of the +blind, and Strength of the weak; yea also Light of those that see, and +Strength of the strong; hearken unto my soul, and hear it crying out of +the depths. For if Thine ears be not with us in the depths also, whither +shall we go? whither cry? The day is Thine, and the night is Thine; at +Thy beck the moments flee by. Grant thereof a space for our meditations +in the hidden things of Thy law, and close it not against us who knock. +For not in vain wouldest Thou have the darksome secrets of so many pages +written; nor are those forests without their harts which retire therein +and range and walk; feed, lie down, and ruminate. Perfect me, O +Lord, and reveal them unto me. Behold, Thy voice is my joy; Thy voice +exceedeth the abundance of pleasures. Give what I love: for I do love; +and this hast Thou given: forsake not Thy own gifts, nor despise Thy +green herb that thirsteth. Let me confess unto Thee whatsoever I shall +find in Thy books, and hear the voice of praise, and drink in Thee, +and meditate on the wonderful things out of Thy law; even from the +beginning, wherein Thou madest the heaven and the earth, unto the +everlasting reigning of Thy holy city with Thee. + +Lord, have mercy on me, and hear my desire. For it is not, I deem, of +the earth, not of gold and silver, and precious stones, or gorgeous +apparel, or honours and offices, or the pleasures of the flesh, or +necessaries for the body and for this life of our pilgrimage: all which +shall be added unto those that seek Thy kingdom and Thy righteousness. +Behold, O Lord my God, wherein is my desire. The wicked have told me of +delights, but not such as Thy law, O Lord. Behold, wherein is my desire. +Behold, Father, behold, and see and approve; and be it pleasing in the +sight of Thy mercy, that I may find grace before Thee, that the inward +parts of Thy words be opened to me knocking. I beseech by our Lord Jesus +Christ Thy Son, the Man of Thy right hand, the Son of man, whom Thou +hast established for Thyself, as Thy Mediator and ours, through Whom +Thou soughtest us, not seeking Thee, but soughtest us, that we might +seek Thee,--Thy Word, through Whom Thou madest all things, and among +them, me also;--Thy Only-Begotten, through Whom Thou calledst to +adoption the believing people, and therein me also;--I beseech Thee by +Him, who sitteth at Thy right hand, and intercedeth with Thee for us, +in Whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. These do +I seek in Thy books. Of Him did Moses write; this saith Himself; this +saith the Truth. + +I would hear and understand, how "In the Beginning Thou madest the +heaven and earth." Moses wrote this, wrote and departed, passed hence +from Thee to Thee; nor is he now before me. For if he were, I would hold +him and ask him, and beseech him by Thee to open these things unto me, +and would lay the ears of my body to the sounds bursting out of his +mouth. And should he speak Hebrew, in vain will it strike on my senses, +nor would aught of it touch my mind; but if Latin, I should know what +he said. But whence should I know, whether he spake truth? Yea, and if +I knew this also, should I know it from him? Truly within me, within, in +the chamber of my thoughts, Truth, neither Hebrew, nor Greek, nor Latin, +nor barbarian, without organs of voice or tongue, or sound of syllables, +would say, "It is truth," and I forthwith should say confidently to that +man of Thine, "thou sayest truly." Whereas then I cannot enquire of him, +Thee, Thee I beseech, O Truth, full of Whom he spake truth, Thee, my +God, I beseech, forgive my sins; and Thou, who gavest him Thy servant to +speak these things, give to me also to understand them. + +Behold, the heavens and the earth are; they proclaim that they were +created; for they change and vary. Whereas whatsoever hath not been +made, and yet is, hath nothing in it, which before it had not; and +this it is, to change and vary. They proclaim also, that they made not +themselves; "therefore we are, because we have been made; we were not +therefore, before we were, so as to make ourselves." Now the evidence +of the thing, is the voice of the speakers. Thou therefore, Lord, madest +them; who art beautiful, for they are beautiful; who art good, for they +are good; who art, for they are; yet are they not beautiful nor good, +nor are they, as Thou their Creator art; compared with Whom, they are +neither beautiful, nor good, nor are. This we know, thanks be to Thee. +And our knowledge, compared with Thy knowledge, is ignorance. + +But how didst Thou make the heaven and the earth? and what the engine of +Thy so mighty fabric? For it was not as a human artificer, forming one +body from another, according to the discretion of his mind, which can +in some way invest with such a form, as it seeth in itself by its inward +eye. And whence should he be able to do this, unless Thou hadst made +that mind? and he invests with a form what already existeth, and hath +a being, as clay, or stone, or wood, or gold, or the like. And whence +should they be, hadst not Thou appointed them? Thou madest the artificer +his body, Thou the mind commanding the limbs, Thou the matter whereof he +makes any thing; Thou the apprehension whereby to take in his art, and +see within what he doth without; Thou the sense of his body, whereby, +as by an interpreter, he may from mind to matter, convey that which he +doth, and report to his mind what is done; that it within may consult +the truth, which presideth over itself, whether it be well done or no. +All these praise Thee, the Creator of all. But how dost Thou make them? +how, O God, didst Thou make heaven and earth? Verily, neither in the +heaven, nor in the earth, didst Thou make heaven and earth; nor in the +air, or waters, seeing these also belong to the heaven and the earth; +nor in the whole world didst Thou make the whole world; because there +was no place where to make it, before it was made, that it might be. Nor +didst Thou hold any thing in Thy hand, whereof to make heaven and earth. +For whence shouldest Thou have this, which Thou hadst not made, thereof +to make any thing? For what is, but because Thou art? Therefore Thou +spokest, and they were made, and in Thy Word Thou madest them. + +But how didst Thou speak? In the way that the voice came out of the +cloud, saying, This is my beloved Son? For that voice passed by and +passed away, began and ended; the syllables sounded and passed away, +the second after the first, the third after the second, and so forth in +order, until the last after the rest, and silence after the last. Whence +it is abundantly clear and plain that the motion of a creature expressed +it, itself temporal, serving Thy eternal will. And these Thy words, +created for a time, the outward ear reported to the intelligent soul, +whose inward ear lay listening to Thy Eternal Word. But she compared +these words sounding in time, with that Thy Eternal Word in silence, and +said "It is different, far different. These words are far beneath me, +nor are they, because they flee and pass away; but the Word of my Lord +abideth above me for ever." If then in sounding and passing words Thou +saidst that heaven and earth should be made, and so madest heaven and +earth, there was a corporeal creature before heaven and earth, by whose +motions in time that voice might take his course in time. But there was +nought corporeal before heaven and earth; or if there were, surely Thou +hadst, without such a passing voice, created that, whereof to make this +passing voice, by which to say, Let the heaven and the earth be made. +For whatsoever that were, whereof such a voice were made, unless by +Thee it were made, it could not be at all. By what Word then didst Thou +speak, that a body might be made, whereby these words again might be +made? + +Thou callest us then to understand the Word, God, with Thee God, Which +is spoken eternally, and by It are all things spoken eternally. For what +was spoken was not spoken successively, one thing concluded that the +next might be spoken, but all things together and eternally. Else have +we time and change; and not a true eternity nor true immortality. This I +know, O my God, and give thanks. I know, I confess to Thee, O Lord, and +with me there knows and blesses Thee, whoso is not unthankful to assure +Truth. We know, Lord, we know; since inasmuch as anything is not which +was, and is, which was not, so far forth it dieth and ariseth. Nothing +then of Thy Word doth give place or replace, because It is truly +immortal and eternal. And therefore unto the Word coeternal with Thee +Thou dost at once and eternally say all that Thou dost say; and whatever +Thou sayest shall be made is made; nor dost Thou make, otherwise than by +saying; and yet are not all things made together, or everlasting, which +Thou makest by saying. + +Why, I beseech Thee, O Lord my God? I see it in a way; but how to +express it, I know not, unless it be, that whatsoever begins to be, and +leaves off to be, begins then, and leaves off then, when in Thy eternal +Reason it is known, that it ought to begin or leave off; in which Reason +nothing beginneth or leaveth off. This is Thy Word, which is also "the +Beginning, because also It speaketh unto us." Thus in the Gospel He +speaketh through the flesh; and this sounded outwardly in the ears of +men; that it might be believed and sought inwardly, and found in +the eternal Verity; where the good and only Master teacheth all His +disciples. There, Lord, hear I Thy voice speaking unto me; because He +speaketh us, who teacheth us; but He that teacheth us not, though +He speaketh, to us He speaketh not. Who now teacheth us, but the +unchangeable Truth? for even when we are admonished through a changeable +creature; we are but led to the unchangeable Truth; where we learn +truly, while we stand and hear Him, and rejoice greatly because of the +Bridegroom's voice, restoring us to Him, from Whom we are. And therefore +the Beginning, because unless It abided, there should not, when we +went astray, be whither to return. But when we return from error, it is +through knowing; and that we may know, He teacheth us, because He is the +Beginning, and speaking unto us. + +In this Beginning, O God, hast Thou made heaven and earth, in Thy +Word, in Thy Son, in Thy Power, in Thy Wisdom, in Thy Truth; wondrously +speaking, and wondrously making. Who shall comprehend? Who declare +it? What is that which gleams through me, and strikes my heart without +hurting it; and I shudder and kindle? I shudder, inasmuch as I am unlike +it; I kindle, inasmuch as I am like it. It is Wisdom, Wisdom's self +which gleameth through me; severing my cloudiness which yet again +mantles over me, fainting from it, through the darkness which for my +punishment gathers upon me. For my strength is brought down in need, +so that I cannot support my blessings, till Thou, Lord, Who hast been +gracious to all mine iniquities, shalt heal all my infirmities. For +Thou shalt also redeem my life from corruption, and crown me with loving +kindness and tender mercies, and shalt satisfy my desire with good +things, because my youth shall be renewed like an eagle's. For in hope +we are saved, wherefore we through patience wait for Thy promises. Let +him that is able, hear Thee inwardly discoursing out of Thy oracle: I +will boldly cry out, How wonderful are Thy works, O Lord, in Wisdom +hast Thou made them all; and this Wisdom is the Beginning, and in that +Beginning didst Thou make heaven and earth. + +Lo, are they not full of their old leaven, who say to us, "What was +God doing before He made heaven and earth? For if (say they) He were +unemployed and wrought not, why does He not also henceforth, and for +ever, as He did heretofore? For did any new motion arise in God, and a +new will to make a creature, which He had never before made, how then +would that be a true eternity, where there ariseth a will, which was +not? For the will of God is not a creature, but before the creature; +seeing nothing could be created, unless the will of the Creator had +preceded. The will of God then belongeth to His very Substance. And +if aught have arisen in God's Substance, which before was not, that +Substance cannot be truly called eternal. But if the will of God has +been from eternity that the creature should be, why was not the creature +also from eternity?" + +Who speak thus, do not yet understand Thee, O Wisdom of God, Light of +souls, understand not yet how the things be made, which by Thee, and +in Thee are made: yet they strive to comprehend things eternal, whilst +their heart fluttereth between the motions of things past and to come, +and is still unstable. Who shall hold it, and fix it, that it be settled +awhile, and awhile catch the glory of that ever-fixed Eternity, and +compare it with the times which are never fixed, and see that it cannot +be compared; and that a long time cannot become long, but out of many +motions passing by, which cannot be prolonged altogether; but that in +the Eternal nothing passeth, but the whole is present; whereas no time +is all at once present: and that all time past, is driven on by time to +come, and all to come followeth upon the past; and all past and to come, +is created, and flows out of that which is ever present? Who shall hold +the heart of man, that it may stand still, and see how eternity ever +still-standing, neither past nor to come, uttereth the times past and to +come? Can my hand do this, or the hand of my mouth by speech bring about +a thing so great? + +See, I answer him that asketh, "What did God before He made heaven and +earth?" I answer not as one is said to have done merrily (eluding the +pressure of the question), "He was preparing hell (saith he) for pryers +into mysteries." It is one thing to answer enquiries, another to make +sport of enquirers. So I answer not; for rather had I answer, "I know +not," what I know not, than so as to raise a laugh at him who asketh +deep things and gain praise for one who answereth false things. But I +say that Thou, our God, art the Creator of every creature: and if by +the name "heaven and earth," every creature be understood; I boldly say, +"that before God made heaven and earth, He did not make any thing." For +if He made, what did He make but a creature? And would I knew whatsoever +I desire to know to my profit, as I know, that no creature was made, +before there was made any creature. + +But if any excursive brain rove over the images of forepassed times, and +wonder that Thou the God Almighty and All-creating and All-supporting, +Maker of heaven and earth, didst for innumerable ages forbear from so +great a work, before Thou wouldest make it; let him awake and consider, +that he wonders at false conceits. For whence could innumerable ages +pass by, which Thou madest not, Thou the Author and Creator of all +ages? or what times should there be, which were not made by Thee? or +how should they pass by, if they never were? Seeing then Thou art the +Creator of all times, if any time was before Thou madest heaven and +earth, why say they that Thou didst forego working? For that very time +didst Thou make, nor could times pass by, before Thou madest those +times. But if before heaven and earth there was no time, why is it +demanded, what Thou then didst? For there was no "then," when there was +no time. + +Nor dost Thou by time, precede time: else shouldest Thou not precede +all times. But Thou precedest all things past, by the sublimity of +an ever-present eternity; and surpassest all future because they are +future, and when they come, they shall be past; but Thou art the Same, +and Thy years fail not. Thy years neither come nor go; whereas ours both +come and go, that they all may come. Thy years stand together, because +they do stand; nor are departing thrust out by coming years, for they +pass not away; but ours shall all be, when they shall no more be. Thy +years are one day; and Thy day is not daily, but To-day, seeing Thy +To-day gives not place unto tomorrow, for neither doth it replace +yesterday. Thy To-day, is Eternity; therefore didst Thou beget The +Coeternal, to whom Thou saidst, This day have I begotten Thee. Thou hast +made all things; and before all times Thou art: neither in any time was +time not. + +At no time then hadst Thou not made any thing, because time itself Thou +madest. And no times are coeternal with Thee, because Thou abidest; +but if they abode, they should not be times. For what is time? Who can +readily and briefly explain this? Who can even in thought comprehend it, +so as to utter a word about it? But what in discourse do we mention more +familiarly and knowingly, than time? And, we understand, when we speak +of it; we understand also, when we hear it spoken of by another. What +then is time? If no one asks me, I know: if I wish to explain it to one +that asketh, I know not: yet I say boldly that I know, that if nothing +passed away, time past were not; and if nothing were coming, a time to +come were not; and if nothing were, time present were not. Those two +times then, past and to come, how are they, seeing the past now is +not, and that to come is not yet? But the present, should it always be +present, and never pass into time past, verily it should not be time, +but eternity. If time present (if it is to be time) only cometh into +existence, because it passeth into time past, how can we say that either +this is, whose cause of being is, that it shall not be; so, namely, that +we cannot truly say that time is, but because it is tending not to be? + +And yet we say, "a long time" and "a short time"; still, only of time +past or to come. A long time past (for example) we call an hundred years +since; and a long time to come, an hundred years hence. But a short +time past, we call (suppose) often days since; and a short time to come, +often days hence. But in what sense is that long or short, which is not? +For the past, is not now; and the future, is not yet. Let us not then +say, "it is long"; but of the past, "it hath been long"; and of the +future, "it will be long." O my Lord, my Light, shall not here also Thy +Truth mock at man? For that past time which was long, was it long when +it was now past, or when it was yet present? For then might it be long, +when there was, what could be long; but when past, it was no longer; +wherefore neither could that be long, which was not at all. Let us not +then say, "time past hath been long": for we shall not find, what hath +been long, seeing that since it was past, it is no more, but let us say, +"that present time was long"; because, when it was present, it was long. +For it had not yet passed away, so as not to be; and therefore there +was, what could be long; but after it was past, that ceased also to be +long, which ceased to be. + +Let us see then, thou soul of man, whether present time can be long: +for to thee it is given to feel and to measure length of time. What wilt +thou answer me? Are an hundred years, when present, a long time? See +first, whether an hundred years can be present. For if the first of +these years be now current, it is present, but the other ninety and +nine are to come, and therefore are not yet, but if the second year be +current, one is now past, another present, the rest to come. And so if +we assume any middle year of this hundred to be present, all before it, +are past; all after it, to come; wherefore an hundred years cannot be +present. But see at least whether that one which is now current, itself +is present; for if the current month be its first, the rest are to come; +if the second, the first is already past, and the rest are not yet. +Therefore, neither is the year now current present; and if not present +as a whole, then is not the year present. For twelve months are a year; +of which whatever by the current month is present; the rest past, or to +come. Although neither is that current month present; but one day only; +the rest being to come, if it be the first; past, if the last; if any of +the middle, then amid past and to come. + +See how the present time, which alone we found could be called long, is +abridged to the length scarce of one day. But let us examine that also; +because neither is one day present as a whole. For it is made up of four +and twenty hours of night and day: of which, the first hath the rest to +come; the last hath them past; and any of the middle hath those before +it past, those behind it to come. Yea, that one hour passeth away in +flying particles. Whatsoever of it hath flown away, is past; whatsoever +remaineth, is to come. If an instant of time be conceived, which cannot +be divided into the smallest particles of moments, that alone is it, +which may be called present. Which yet flies with such speed from future +to past, as not to be lengthened out with the least stay. For if it be, +it is divided into past and future. The present hath no space. Where +then is the time, which we may call long? Is it to come? Of it we do not +say, "it is long"; because it is not yet, so as to be long; but we say, +"it will be long." When therefore will it be? For if even then, when it +is yet to come, it shall not be long (because what can be long, as yet +is not), and so it shall then be long, when from future which as yet is +not, it shall begin now to be, and have become present, that so there +should exist what may be long; then does time present cry out in the +words above, that it cannot be long. + +And yet, Lord, we perceive intervals of times, and compare them, and +say, some are shorter, and others longer. We measure also, how much +longer or shorter this time is than that; and we answer, "This is +double, or treble; and that, but once, or only just so much as that." +But we measure times as they are passing, by perceiving them; but past, +which now are not, or the future, which are not yet, who can measure? +unless a man shall presume to say, that can be measured, which is not. +When then time is passing, it may be perceived and measured; but when it +is past, it cannot, because it is not. + +I ask, Father, I affirm not: O my God, rule and guide me. "Who will tell +me that there are not three times (as we learned when boys, and taught +boys), past, present, and future; but present only, because those two +are not? Or are they also; and when from future it becometh present, +doth it come out of some secret place; and so, when retiring, from +present it becometh past? For where did they, who foretold things to +come, see them, if as yet they be not? For that which is not, cannot be +seen. And they who relate things past, could not relate them, if in mind +they did not discern them, and if they were not, they could no way be +discerned. Things then past and to come, are." + +Permit me, Lord, to seek further. O my hope, let not my purpose be +confounded. For if times past and to come be, I would know where they +be. Which yet if I cannot, yet I know, wherever they be, they are not +there as future, or past, but present. For if there also they be future, +they are not yet there; if there also they be past, they are no longer +there. Wheresoever then is whatsoever is, it is only as present. +Although when past facts are related, there are drawn out of the memory, +not the things themselves which are past, but words which, conceived by +the images of the things, they, in passing, have through the senses left +as traces in the mind. Thus my childhood, which now is not, is in time +past, which now is not: but now when I recall its image, and tell of it, +I behold it in the present, because it is still in my memory. Whether +there be a like cause of foretelling things to come also; that of +things which as yet are not, the images may be perceived before, already +existing, I confess, O my God, I know not. This indeed I know, that we +generally think before on our future actions, and that that forethinking +is present, but the action whereof we forethink is not yet, because it +is to come. Which, when we have set upon, and have begun to do what +we were forethinking, then shall that action be; because then it is no +longer future, but present. + +Which way soever then this secret fore-perceiving of things to come be; +that only can be seen, which is. But what now is, is not future, +but present. When then things to come are said to be seen, it is not +themselves which as yet are not (that is, which are to be), but their +causes perchance or signs are seen, which already are. Therefore they +are not future but present to those who now see that, from which +the future, being foreconceived in the mind, is foretold. Which +fore-conceptions again now are; and those who foretell those things, do +behold the conceptions present before them. Let now the numerous variety +of things furnish me some example. I behold the day-break, I foreshow, +that the sun, is about to rise. What I behold, is present; what I +foresignify, to come; not the sun, which already is; but the sun-rising, +which is not yet. And yet did I not in my mind imagine the sun-rising +itself (as now while I speak of it), I could not foretell it. But +neither is that day-break which I discern in the sky, the sun-rising, +although it goes before it; nor that imagination of my mind; which two +are seen now present, that the other which is to be may be foretold. +Future things then are not yet: and if they be not yet, they are not: +and if they are not, they cannot be seen; yet foretold they may be from +things present, which are already, and are seen. + +Thou then, Ruler of Thy creation, by what way dost Thou teach souls +things to come? For Thou didst teach Thy Prophets. By what way dost +Thou, to whom nothing is to come, teach things to come; or rather of the +future, dost teach things present? For, what is not, neither can it be +taught. Too far is this way of my ken: it is too mighty for me, I cannot +attain unto it; but from Thee I can, when Thou shalt vouchsafe it, O +sweet light of my hidden eyes. + +What now is clear and plain is, that neither things to come nor past +are. Nor is it properly said, "there be three times, past, present, +and to come": yet perchance it might be properly said, "there be three +times; a present of things past, a present of things present, and a +present of things future." For these three do exist in some sort, in the +soul, but otherwhere do I not see them; present of things past, memory; +present of things present, sight; present of things future, expectation. +If thus we be permitted to speak, I see three times, and I confess there +are three. Let it be said too, "there be three times, past, present, and +to come": in our incorrect way. See, I object not, nor gainsay, nor find +fault, if what is so said be but understood, that neither what is to be, +now is, nor what is past. For but few things are there, which we +speak properly, most things improperly; still the things intended are +understood. + +I said then even now, we measure times as they pass, in order to be able +to say, this time is twice so much as that one; or, this is just so +much as that; and so of any other parts of time, which be measurable. +Wherefore, as I said, we measure times as they pass. And if any should +ask me, "How knowest thou?" I might answer, "I know, that we do measure, +nor can we measure things that are not; and things past and to come, are +not." But time present how do we measure, seeing it hath no space? It +is measured while passing, but when it shall have passed, it is not +measured; for there will be nothing to be measured. But whence, by what +way, and whither passes it while it is a measuring? whence, but from the +future? Which way, but through the present? whither, but into the past? +From that therefore, which is not yet, through that, which hath no +space, into that, which now is not. Yet what do we measure, if not time +in some space? For we do not say, single, and double, and triple, and +equal, or any other like way that we speak of time, except of spaces +of times. In what space then do we measure time passing? In the future, +whence it passeth through? But what is not yet, we measure not. Or in +the present, by which it passes? but no space, we do not measure: or in +the past, to which it passes? But neither do we measure that, which now +is not. + +My soul is on fire to know this most intricate enigma. Shut it not up, O +Lord my God, good Father; through Christ I beseech Thee, do not shut up +these usual, yet hidden things, from my desire, that it be hindered from +piercing into them; but let them dawn through Thy enlightening mercy, O +Lord. Whom shall I enquire of concerning these things? and to whom shall +I more fruitfully confess my ignorance, than to Thee, to Whom these +my studies, so vehemently kindled toward Thy Scriptures, are not +troublesome? Give what I love; for I do love, and this hast Thou +given me. Give, Father, Who truly knowest to give good gifts unto Thy +children. Give, because I have taken upon me to know, and trouble is +before me until Thou openest it. By Christ I beseech Thee, in His Name, +Holy of holies, let no man disturb me. For I believed, and therefore do +I speak. This is my hope, for this do I live, that I may contemplate the +delights of the Lord. Behold, Thou hast made my days old, and they pass +away, and how, I know not. And we talk of time, and time, and times, and +times, "How long time is it since he said this"; "how long time since he +did this"; and "how long time since I saw that"; and "this syllable hath +double time to that single short syllable." These words we speak, and +these we hear, and are understood, and understand. Most manifest and +ordinary they are, and the self-same things again are but too deeply +hidden, and the discovery of them were new. + +I heard once from a learned man, that the motions of the sun, moon, +and stars, constituted time, and I assented not. For why should not +the motions of all bodies rather be times? Or, if the lights of heaven +should cease, and a potter's wheel run round, should there be no time +by which we might measure those whirlings, and say, that either it +moved with equal pauses, or if it turned sometimes slower, otherwhiles +quicker, that some rounds were longer, other shorter? Or, while we were +saying this, should we not also be speaking in time? Or, should there +in our words be some syllables short, others long, but because those +sounded in a shorter time, these in a longer? God, grant to men to see +in a small thing notices common to things great and small. The stars and +lights of heaven, are also for signs, and for seasons, and for years, +and for days; they are; yet neither should I say, that the going round +of that wooden wheel was a day, nor yet he, that it was therefore no +time. + +I desire to know the force and nature of time, by which we measure the +motions of bodies, and say (for example) this motion is twice as long as +that. For I ask, Seeing "day" denotes not the stay only of the sun upon +the earth (according to which day is one thing, night another); but also +its whole circuit from east to east again; according to which we say, +"there passed so many days," the night being included when we say, "so +many days," and the nights not reckoned apart;--seeing then a day is +completed by the motion of the sun and by his circuit from east to east +again, I ask, does the motion alone make the day, or the stay in which +that motion is completed, or both? For if the first be the day; then +should we have a day, although the sun should finish that course in so +small a space of time, as one hour comes to. If the second, then should +not that make a day, if between one sun-rise and another there were +but so short a stay, as one hour comes to; but the sun must go four and +twenty times about, to complete one day. If both, then neither could +that be called a day; if the sun should run his whole round in the +space of one hour; nor that, if, while the sun stood still, so much +time should overpass, as the sun usually makes his whole course in, from +morning to morning. I will not therefore now ask, what that is which is +called day; but, what time is, whereby we, measuring the circuit of the +sun, should say that it was finished in half the time it was wont, if +so be it was finished in so small a space as twelve hours; and comparing +both times, should call this a single time, that a double time; even +supposing the sun to run his round from east to east, sometimes in that +single, sometimes in that double time. Let no man then tell me, that the +motions of the heavenly bodies constitute times, because, when at +the prayer of one, the sun had stood still, till he could achieve his +victorious battle, the sun stood still, but time went on. For in its own +allotted space of time was that battle waged and ended. I perceive +time then to be a certain extension. But do I perceive it, or seem to +perceive it? Thou, Light and Truth, wilt show me. + +Dost Thou bid me assent, if any define time to be "motion of a body?" +Thou dost not bid me. For that no body is moved, but in time, I hear; +this Thou sayest; but that the motion of a body is time, I hear not; +Thou sayest it not. For when a body is moved, I by time measure, how +long it moveth, from the time it began to move until it left off? And if +I did not see whence it began; and it continue to move so that I see not +when it ends, I cannot measure, save perchance from the time I began, +until I cease to see. And if I look long, I can only pronounce it to be +a long time, but not how long; because when we say "how long," we do +it by comparison; as, "this is as long as that," or "twice so long as +that," or the like. But when we can mark the distances of the places, +whence and whither goeth the body moved, or his parts, if it moved as in +a lathe, then can we say precisely, in how much time the motion of +that body or his part, from this place unto that, was finished. Seeing +therefore the motion of a body is one thing, that by which we measure +how long it is, another; who sees not, which of the two is rather to +be called time? For and if a body be sometimes moved, sometimes stands +still, then we measure, not his motion only, but his standing still too +by time; and we say, "it stood still, as much as it moved"; or "it stood +still twice or thrice so long as it moved"; or any other space which our +measuring hath either ascertained, or guessed; more or less, as we use +to say. Time then is not the motion of a body. + +And I confess to Thee, O Lord, that I yet know not what time is, and +again I confess unto Thee, O Lord, that I know that I speak this in +time, and that having long spoken of time, that very "long" is not long, +but by the pause of time. How then know I this, seeing I know not what +time is? or is it perchance that I know not how to express what I know? +Woe is me, that do not even know, what I know not. Behold, O my God, +before Thee I lie not; but as I speak, so is my heart. Thou shalt light +my candle; Thou, O Lord my God, wilt enlighten my darkness. + +Does not my soul most truly confess unto Thee, that I do measure times? +Do I then measure, O my God, and know not what I measure? I measure the +motion of a body in time; and the time itself do I not measure? Or could +I indeed measure the motion of a body how long it were, and in how long +space it could come from this place to that, without measuring the time +in which it is moved? This same time then, how do I measure? do we by a +shorter time measure a longer, as by the space of a cubit, the space +of a rood? for so indeed we seem by the space of a short syllable, to +measure the space of a long syllable, and to say that this is double +the other. Thus measure we the spaces of stanzas, by the spaces of the +verses, and the spaces of the verses, by the spaces of the feet, and the +spaces of the feet, by the spaces of the syllables, and the spaces of +long, by the space of short syllables; not measuring by pages (for then +we measure spaces, not times); but when we utter the words and they pass +by, and we say "it is a long stanza, because composed of so many verses; +long verses, because consisting of so many feet; long feet, because +prolonged by so many syllables; a long syllable because double to a +short one." But neither do we this way obtain any certain measure of +time; because it may be, that a shorter verse, pronounced more fully, +may take up more time than a longer, pronounced hurriedly. And so for a +verse, a foot, a syllable. Whence it seemed to me, that time is nothing +else than protraction; but of what, I know not; and I marvel, if it +be not of the mind itself? For what, I beseech Thee, O my God, do I +measure, when I say, either indefinitely "this is a longer time than +that," or definitely "this is double that"? That I measure time, I know; +and yet I measure not time to come, for it is not yet; nor present, +because it is not protracted by any space; nor past, because it now is +not. What then do I measure? Times passing, not past? for so I said. + +Courage, my mind, and press on mightily. God is our helper, He made us, +and not we ourselves. Press on where truth begins to dawn. Suppose, now, +the voice of a body begins to sound, and does sound, and sounds on, and +list, it ceases; it is silence now, and that voice is past, and is +no more a voice. Before it sounded, it was to come, and could not be +measured, because as yet it was not, and now it cannot, because it is +no longer. Then therefore while it sounded, it might; because there then +was what might be measured. But yet even then it was not at a stay; for +it was passing on, and passing away. Could it be measured the rather, +for that? For while passing, it was being extended into some space of +time, so that it might be measured, since the present hath no space. If +therefore then it might, then, lo, suppose another voice hath begun +to sound, and still soundeth in one continued tenor without any +interruption; let us measure it while it sounds; seeing when it hath +left sounding, it will then be past, and nothing left to be measured; +let us measure it verily, and tell how much it is. But it sounds still, +nor can it be measured but from the instant it began in, unto the end +it left in. For the very space between is the thing we measure, namely, +from some beginning unto some end. Wherefore, a voice that is not yet +ended, cannot be measured, so that it may be said how long, or short it +is; nor can it be called equal to another, or double to a single, or the +like. But when ended, it no longer is. How may it then be measured? And +yet we measure times; but yet neither those which are not yet, nor those +which no longer are, nor those which are not lengthened out by some +pause, nor those which have no bounds. We measure neither times to come, +nor past, nor present, nor passing; and yet we do measure times. + +"Deus Creator omnium," this verse of eight syllables alternates between +short and long syllables. The four short then, the first, third, fifth, +and seventh, are but single, in respect of the four long, the second, +fourth, sixth, and eighth. Every one of these to every one of those, +hath a double time: I pronounce them, report on them, and find it so, +as one's plain sense perceives. By plain sense then, I measure a long +syllable by a short, and I sensibly find it to have twice so much; but +when one sounds after the other, if the former be short, the latter +long, how shall I detain the short one, and how, measuring, shall I +apply it to the long, that I may find this to have twice so much; seeing +the long does not begin to sound, unless the short leaves sounding? And +that very long one do I measure as present, seeing I measure it not +till it be ended? Now his ending is his passing away. What then is it I +measure? where is the short syllable by which I measure? where the long +which I measure? Both have sounded, have flown, passed away, are no +more; and yet I measure, and confidently answer (so far as is presumed +on a practised sense) that as to space of time this syllable is but +single, that double. And yet I could not do this, unless they were +already past and ended. It is not then themselves, which now are not, +that I measure, but something in my memory, which there remains fixed. + +It is in thee, my mind, that I measure times. Interrupt me not, that +is, interrupt not thyself with the tumults of thy impressions. In thee +I measure times; the impression, which things as they pass by cause in +thee, remains even when they are gone; this it is which still present, +I measure, not the things which pass by to make this impression. This +I measure, when I measure times. Either then this is time, or I do not +measure times. What when we measure silence, and say that this silence +hath held as long time as did that voice? do we not stretch out our +thought to the measure of a voice, as if it sounded, that so we may be +able to report of the intervals of silence in a given space of time? For +though both voice and tongue be still, yet in thought we go over poems, +and verses, and any other discourse, or dimensions of motions, and +report as to the spaces of times, how much this is in respect of that, +no otherwise than if vocally we did pronounce them. If a man would utter +a lengthened sound, and had settled in thought how long it should be, he +hath in silence already gone through a space of time, and committing +it to memory, begins to utter that speech, which sounds on, until it be +brought unto the end proposed. Yea it hath sounded, and will sound; for +so much of it as is finished, hath sounded already, and the rest will +sound. And thus passeth it on, until the present intent conveys over +the future into the past; the past increasing by the diminution of the +future, until by the consumption of the future, all is past. + +But how is that future diminished or consumed, which as yet is not? or +how that past increased, which is now no longer, save that in the mind +which enacteth this, there be three things done? For it expects, it +considers, it remembers; that so that which it expecteth, through +that which it considereth, passeth into that which it remembereth. Who +therefore denieth, that things to come are not as yet? and yet, there is +in the mind an expectation of things to come. And who denies past things +to be now no longer? and yet is there still in the mind a memory of +things past. And who denieth the present time hath no space, because it +passeth away in a moment? and yet our consideration continueth, through +which that which shall be present proceedeth to become absent. It is not +then future time, that is long, for as yet it is not: but a long future, +is "a long expectation of the future," nor is it time past, which now is +not, that is long; but a long past, is "a long memory of the past." + +I am about to repeat a Psalm that I know. Before I begin, my expectation +is extended over the whole; but when I have begun, how much soever of +it I shall separate off into the past, is extended along my memory; thus +the life of this action of mine is divided between my memory as to what +I have repeated, and expectation as to what I am about to repeat; but +"consideration" is present with me, that through it what was future, may +be conveyed over, so as to become past. Which the more it is done again +and again, so much the more the expectation being shortened, is the +memory enlarged: till the whole expectation be at length exhausted, when +that whole action being ended, shall have passed into memory. And this +which takes place in the whole Psalm, the same takes place in each +several portion of it, and each several syllable; the same holds in that +longer action, whereof this Psalm may be part; the same holds in the +whole life of man, whereof all the actions of man are parts; the same +holds through the whole age of the sons of men, whereof all the lives of +men are parts. + +But because Thy loving-kindness is better than all lives, behold, my +life is but a distraction, and Thy right hand upheld me, in my Lord the +Son of man, the Mediator betwixt Thee, The One, and us many, many also +through our manifold distractions amid many things, that by Him I may +apprehend in Whom I have been apprehended, and may be re-collected from +my old conversation, to follow The One, forgetting what is behind, and +not distended but extended, not to things which shall be and shall +pass away, but to those things which are before, not distractedly but +intently, I follow on for the prize of my heavenly calling, where I may +hear the voice of Thy praise, and contemplate Thy delights, neither +to come, nor to pass away. But now are my years spent in mourning. And +Thou, O Lord, art my comfort, my Father everlasting, but I have been +severed amid times, whose order I know not; and my thoughts, even +the inmost bowels of my soul, are rent and mangled with tumultuous +varieties, until I flow together into Thee, purified and molten by the +fire of Thy love. + +And now will I stand, and become firm in Thee, in my mould, Thy truth; +nor will I endure the questions of men, who by a penal disease thirst +for more than they can contain, and say, "what did God before He made +heaven and earth?" Or, "How came it into His mind to make any thing, +having never before made any thing?" Give them, O Lord, well to +bethink themselves what they say, and to find, that "never" cannot be +predicated, when "time" is not. This then that He is said "never to have +made"; what else is it to say, than "in 'no time' to have made?" Let +them see therefore, that time cannot be without created being, and cease +to speak that vanity. May they also be extended towards those things +which are before; and understand Thee before all times, the eternal +Creator of all times, and that no times be coeternal with Thee, nor any +creature, even if there be any creature before all times. + +O Lord my God, what a depth is that recess of Thy mysteries, and how far +from it have the consequences of my transgressions cast me! Heal mine +eyes, that I may share the joy of Thy light. Certainly, if there be mind +gifted with such vast knowledge and foreknowledge, as to know all things +past and to come, as I know one well-known Psalm, truly that mind is +passing wonderful, and fearfully amazing; in that nothing past, nothing +to come in after-ages, is any more hidden from him, than when I sung +that Psalm, was hidden from me what, and how much of it had passed away +from the beginning, what, and how much there remained unto the end. But +far be it that Thou the Creator of the Universe, the Creator of souls +and bodies, far be it, that Thou shouldest in such wise know all things +past and to come. Far, far more wonderfully, and far more mysteriously, +dost Thou know them. For not, as the feelings of one who singeth what he +knoweth, or heareth some well-known song, are through expectation of the +words to come, and the remembering of those that are past, varied, +and his senses divided,--not so doth any thing happen unto Thee, +unchangeably eternal, that is, the eternal Creator of minds. Like then +as Thou in the Beginning knewest the heaven and the earth, without any +variety of Thy knowledge, so madest Thou in the Beginning heaven and +earth, without any distraction of Thy action. Whoso understandeth, let +him confess unto Thee; and whoso understandeth not, let him confess +unto Thee. Oh how high art Thou, and yet the humble in heart are Thy +dwelling-place; for Thou raisest up those that are bowed down, and they +fall not, whose elevation Thou art. + + + + +BOOK XII + + +My heart, O Lord, touched with the words of Thy Holy Scripture, is much +busied, amid this poverty of my life. And therefore most times, is the +poverty of human understanding copious in words, because enquiring hath +more to say than discovering, and demanding is longer than obtaining, +and our hand that knocks, hath more work to do, than our hand that +receives. We hold the promise, who shall make it null? If God be for us, +who can be against us? Ask, and ye shall have; seek, and ye shall find; +knock, and it shall be opened unto you. For every one that asketh, +receiveth; and he that seeketh, findeth; and to him that knocketh, +shall it be opened. These be Thine own promises: and who need fear to be +deceived, when the Truth promiseth? + +The lowliness of my tongue confesseth unto Thy Highness, that Thou +madest heaven and earth; this heaven which I see, and this earth that I +tread upon, whence is this earth that I bear about me; Thou madest it. +But where is that heaven of heavens, O Lord, which we hear of in the +words of the Psalm. The heaven of heavens are the Lord's; but the earth +hath He given to the children of men? Where is that heaven which we see +not, to which all this which we see is earth? For this corporeal whole, +not being wholly every where, hath in such wise received its portion of +beauty in these lower parts, whereof the lowest is this our earth; but +to that heaven of heavens, even the heaven of our earth, is but earth: +yea both these great bodies, may not absurdly be called earth, to that +unknown heaven, which is the Lord's, not the sons' of men. + +And now this earth was invisible and without form, and there was I know +not what depth of abyss, upon which there was no light, because it had +no shape. Therefore didst Thou command it to be written, that darkness +was upon the face of the deep; what else than the absence of light? For +had there been light, where should it have been but by being over all, +aloft, and enlightening? Where then light was not, what was the presence +of darkness, but the absence of light? Darkness therefore was upon it, +because light was not upon it; as where sound is not, there is silence. +And what is it to have silence there, but to have no sound there? Hast +not Thou, O Lord, taught his soul, which confesseth unto Thee? Hast not +Thou taught me, Lord, that before Thou formedst and diversifiedst this +formless matter, there was nothing, neither colour, nor figure, nor +body, nor spirit? and yet not altogether nothing; for there was a +certain formlessness, without any beauty. + +How then should it be called, that it might be in some measure conveyed +to those of duller mind, but by some ordinary word? And what, among all +parts of the world can be found nearer to an absolute formlessness, than +earth and deep? For, occupying the lowest stage, they are less beautiful +than the other higher parts are, transparent all and shining. Wherefore +then may I not conceive the formlessness of matter (which Thou hadst +created without beauty, whereof to make this beautiful world) to be +suitably intimated unto men, by the name of earth invisible and without +form. + +So that when thought seeketh what the sense may conceive under this, +and saith to itself, "It is no intellectual form, as life, or justice; +because it is the matter of bodies; nor object of sense, because being +invisible, and without form, there was in it no object of sight or +sense";--while man's thought thus saith to itself, it may endeavour +either to know it, by being ignorant of it; or to be ignorant, by +knowing it. + +But I, Lord, if I would, by my tongue and my pen, confess unto Thee the +whole, whatever Thyself hath taught me of that matter,--the name whereof +hearing before, and not understanding, when they who understood it not, +told me of it, so I conceived of it as having innumerable forms and +diverse, and therefore did not conceive it at all, my mind tossed up and +down foul and horrible "forms" out of all order, but yet "forms" and I +called it without form not that it wanted all form, but because it had +such as my mind would, if presented to it, turn from, as unwonted and +jarring, and human frailness would be troubled at. And still that which +I conceived, was without form, not as being deprived of all form, but +in comparison of more beautiful forms; and true reason did persuade me, +that I must utterly uncase it of all remnants of form whatsoever, if +I would conceive matter absolutely without form; and I could not; for +sooner could I imagine that not to be at all, which should be deprived +of all form, than conceive a thing betwixt form and nothing, neither +formed, nor nothing, a formless almost nothing. So my mind gave over to +question thereupon with my spirit, it being filled with the images of +formed bodies, and changing and varying them, as it willed; and I bent +myself to the bodies themselves, and looked more deeply into their +changeableness, by which they cease to be what they have been, and begin +to be what they were not; and this same shifting from form to form, I +suspected to be through a certain formless state, not through a mere +nothing; yet this I longed to know, not to suspect only.-If then my +voice and pen would confess unto Thee the whole, whatsoever knots Thou +didst open for me in this question, what reader would hold out to take +in the whole? Nor shall my heart for all this cease to give Thee honour, +and a song of praise, for those things which it is not able to express. +For the changeableness of changeable things, is itself capable of all +those forms, into which these changeable things are changed. And this +changeableness, what is it? Is it soul? Is it body? Is it that which +constituteth soul or body? Might one say, "a nothing something", an +"is, is not," I would say, this were it: and yet in some way was it even +then, as being capable of receiving these visible and compound figures. + +But whence had it this degree of being, but from Thee, from Whom are all +things, so far forth as they are? But so much the further from Thee, as +the unliker Thee; for it is not farness of place. Thou therefore, +Lord, Who art not one in one place, and otherwise in another, but the +Self-same, and the Self-same, and the Self-same, Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord +God Almighty, didst in the Beginning, which is of Thee, in Thy Wisdom, +which was born of Thine own Substance, create something, and that out of +nothing. For Thou createdst heaven and earth; not out of Thyself, for so +should they have been equal to Thine Only Begotten Son, and thereby to +Thee also; whereas no way were it right that aught should be equal to +Thee, which was not of Thee. And aught else besides Thee was there not, +whereof Thou mightest create them, O God, One Trinity, and Trine Unity; +and therefore out of nothing didst Thou create heaven and earth; a great +thing, and a small thing; for Thou art Almighty and Good, to make all +things good, even the great heaven, and the petty earth. Thou wert, and +nothing was there besides, out of which Thou createdst heaven and earth; +things of two sorts; one near Thee, the other near to nothing; one to +which Thou alone shouldest be superior; the other, to which nothing +should be inferior. + +But that heaven of heavens was for Thyself, O Lord; but the earth which +Thou gavest to the sons of men, to be seen and felt, was not such as we +now see and feel. For it was invisible, without form, and there was a +deep, upon which there was no light; or, darkness was above the deep, +that is, more than in the deep. Because this deep of waters, visible +now, hath even in his depths, a light proper for its nature; perceivable +in whatever degree unto the fishes, and creeping things in the bottom +of it. But that whole deep was almost nothing, because hitherto it +was altogether without form; yet there was already that which could be +formed. For Thou, Lord, madest the world of a matter without form, which +out of nothing, Thou madest next to nothing, thereof to make those +great things, which we sons of men wonder at. For very wonderful is this +corporeal heaven; of which firmament between water and water, the second +day, after the creation of light, Thou saidst, Let it be made, and it +was made. Which firmament Thou calledst heaven; the heaven, that is, to +this earth and sea, which Thou madest the third day, by giving a visible +figure to the formless matter, which Thou madest before all days. For +already hadst Thou made both an heaven, before all days; but that was +the heaven of this heaven; because In the beginning Thou hadst made +heaven and earth. But this same earth which Thou madest was formless +matter, because it was invisible and without form, and darkness was +upon the deep, of which invisible earth and without form, of which +formlessness, of which almost nothing, Thou mightest make all these +things of which this changeable world consists, but subsists not; whose +very changeableness appears therein, that times can be observed and +numbered in it. For times are made by the alterations of things, while +the figures, the matter whereof is the invisible earth aforesaid, are +varied and turned. + +And therefore the Spirit, the Teacher of Thy servant, when It recounts +Thee to have In the Beginning created heaven and earth, speaks nothing +of times, nothing of days. For verily that heaven of heavens which +Thou createdst in the Beginning, is some intellectual creature, which, +although no ways coeternal unto Thee, the Trinity, yet partaketh of +Thy eternity, and doth through the sweetness of that most happy +contemplation of Thyself, strongly restrain its own changeableness; and +without any fall since its first creation, cleaving close unto Thee, is +placed beyond all the rolling vicissitude of times. Yea, neither is this +very formlessness of the earth, invisible, and without form, numbered +among the days. For where no figure nor order is, there does nothing +come, or go; and where this is not, there plainly are no days, nor any +vicissitude of spaces of times. + +O let the Light, the Truth, the Light of my heart, not mine own +darkness, speak unto me. I fell off into that, and became darkened; but +even thence, even thence I loved Thee. I went astray, and remembered +Thee. I heard Thy voice behind me, calling to me to return, and scarcely +heard it, through the tumultuousness of the enemies of peace. And now, +behold, I return in distress and panting after Thy fountain. Let no man +forbid me! of this will I drink, and so live. Let me not be mine own +life; from myself I lived ill, death was I to myself; and I revive in +Thee. Do Thou speak unto me, do Thou discourse unto me. I have believed +Thy Books, and their words be most full of mystery. + +Already Thou hast told me with a strong voice, O Lord, in my inner ear, +that Thou art eternal, Who only hast immortality; since Thou canst not +be changed as to figure or motion, nor is Thy will altered by times: +seeing no will which varies is immortal. This is in Thy sight clear to +me, and let it be more and more cleared to me, I beseech Thee; and in +the manifestation thereof, let me with sobriety abide under Thy wings. +Thou hast told me also with a strong voice, O Lord, in my inner ear, +that Thou hast made all natures and substances, which are not what +Thyself is, and yet are; and that only is not from Thee, which is not, +and the motion of the will from Thee who art, unto that which in a less +degree is, because such motion is transgression and sin; and that no +man's sin doth either hurt Thee, or disturb the order of Thy government, +first or last. This is in Thy sight clear unto me, and let it be +more and more cleared to me, I beseech Thee: and in the manifestation +thereof, let me with sobriety abide under Thy wings. + +Thou hast told me also with a strong voice, in my inner ear, that +neither is that creature coeternal unto Thyself, whose happiness +Thou only art, and which with a most persevering purity, drawing its +nourishment from Thee, doth in no place and at no time put forth its +natural mutability; and, Thyself being ever present with it, unto Whom +with its whole affection it keeps itself, having neither future to +expect, nor conveying into the past what it remembereth, is neither +altered by any change, nor distracted into any times. O blessed +creature, if such there be, for cleaving unto Thy Blessedness; blest in +Thee, its eternal Inhabitant and its Enlightener! Nor do I find by what +name I may the rather call the heaven of heavens which is the Lord's, +than Thine house, which contemplateth Thy delights without any defection +of going forth to another; one pure mind, most harmoniously one, by that +settled estate of peace of holy spirits, the citizens of Thy city in +heavenly places; far above those heavenly places that we see. + +By this may the soul, whose pilgrimage is made long and far away, by +this may she understand, if she now thirsts for Thee, if her tears be +now become her bread, while they daily say unto her, Where is Thy God? +if she now seeks of Thee one thing, and desireth it, that she may dwell +in Thy house all the days of her life (and what is her life, but Thou? +and what Thy days, but Thy eternity, as Thy years which fail not, +because Thou art ever the same?); by this then may the soul that is +able, understand how far Thou art, above all times, eternal; seeing +Thy house which at no time went into a far country, although it be not +coeternal with Thee, yet by continually and unfailingly cleaving unto +Thee, suffers no changeableness of times. This is in Thy sight clear +unto me, and let it be more and more cleared unto me, I beseech Thee, +and in the manifestation thereof, let me with sobriety abide under Thy +wings. + +There is, behold, I know not what formlessness in those changes of these +last and lowest creatures; and who shall tell me (unless such a one as +through the emptiness of his own heart, wonders and tosses himself up +and down amid his own fancies?), who but such a one would tell me, that +if all figure be so wasted and consumed away, that there should only +remain that formlessness, through which the thing was changed and turned +from one figure to another, that that could exhibit the vicissitudes +of times? For plainly it could not, because, without the variety of +motions, there are no times: and no variety, where there is no figure. + +These things considered, as much as Thou givest, O my God, as much +as Thou stirrest me up to knock, and as much as Thou openest to me +knocking, two things I find that Thou hast made, not within the compass +of time, neither of which is coeternal with Thee. One, which is so +formed, that without any ceasing of contemplation, without any interval +of change, though changeable, yet not changed, it may thoroughly enjoy +Thy eternity and unchangeableness; the other which was so formless, +that it had not that, which could be changed from one form into another, +whether of motion, or of repose, so as to become subject unto time. But +this Thou didst not leave thus formless, because before all days, Thou +in the Beginning didst create Heaven and Earth; the two things that I +spake of. But the Earth was invisible and without form, and darkness +was upon the deep. In which words, is the formlessness conveyed unto us +(that such capacities may hereby be drawn on by degrees, as are not +able to conceive an utter privation of all form, without yet coming to +nothing), out of which another Heaven might be created, together with +a visible and well-formed earth: and the waters diversly ordered, and +whatsoever further is in the formation of the world, recorded to have +been, not without days, created; and that, as being of such nature, that +the successive changes of times may take place in them, as being subject +to appointed alterations of motions and of forms. + +This then is what I conceive, O my God, when I hear Thy Scripture +saying, In the beginning God made Heaven and Earth: and the Earth was +invisible and without form, and darkness was upon the deep, and not +mentioning what day Thou createdst them; this is what I conceive, that +because of the Heaven of heavens,--that intellectual Heaven, whose +Intelligences know all at once, not in part, not darkly, not through a +glass, but as a whole, in manifestation, face to face; not, this thing +now, and that thing anon; but (as I said) know all at once, without any +succession of times;--and because of the earth invisible and without +form, without any succession of times, which succession presents "this +thing now, that thing anon"; because where is no form, there is +no distinction of things:--it is, then, on account of these two, a +primitive formed, and a primitive formless; the one, heaven but the +Heaven of heaven, the other earth but the earth invisible and without +form; because of these two do I conceive, did Thy Scripture say without +mention of days, In the Beginning God created Heaven and Earth. For +forthwith it subjoined what earth it spake of; and also, in that the +Firmament is recorded to be created the second day, and called Heaven, +it conveys to us of which Heaven He before spake, without mention of +days. + +Wondrous depth of Thy words! whose surface, behold! is before us, +inviting to little ones; yet are they a wondrous depth. O my God, a +wondrous depth! It is awful to look therein; an awfulness of honour, and +a trembling of love. The enemies thereof I hate vehemently; oh that Thou +wouldest slay them with Thy two-edged sword, that they might no longer +be enemies unto it: for so do I love to have them slain unto themselves, +that they may live unto Thee. But behold others not faultfinders, but +extollers of the book of Genesis; "The Spirit of God," say they, "Who +by His servant Moses wrote these things, would not have those words +thus understood; He would not have it understood, as thou sayest, but +otherwise, as we say." Unto Whom Thyself, O Thou God all, being judge, +do I thus answer. + +"Will you affirm that to be false, which with a strong voice Truth tells +me in my inner ear, concerning the Eternity of the Creator, that His +substance is no ways changed by time, nor His will separate from His +substance? Wherefore He willeth not one thing now, another anon, but +once, and at once, and always, He willeth all things that He willeth; +not again and again, nor now this, now that; nor willeth afterwards, +what before He willed not, nor willeth not, what before He willed; +because such a will is and no mutable thing is eternal: but our God is +eternal. Again, what He tells me in my inner ear, the expectation of +things to come becomes sight, when they are come, and this same sight +becomes memory, when they be past. Now all thought which thus varies is +mutable; and no mutable thing is eternal: but our God is eternal." These +things I infer, and put together, and find that my God, the eternal God, +hath not upon any new will made any creature, nor doth His knowledge +admit of any thing transitory. "What will ye say then, O ye gainsayers? +Are these things false?" "No," they say; "What then? Is it false, that +every nature already formed, or matter capable of form, is not, but from +Him Who is supremely good, because He is supremely?" "Neither do we deny +this," say they. "What then? do you deny this, that there is a certain +sublime creature, with so chaste a love cleaving unto the true and +truly eternal God, that although not coeternal with Him, yet is it not +detached from Him, nor dissolved into the variety and vicissitude of +times, but reposeth in the most true contemplation of Him only?" Because +Thou, O God, unto him that loveth Thee so much as Thou commandest, dost +show Thyself, and sufficest him; and therefore doth he not decline +from Thee, nor toward himself. This is the house of God, not of earthly +mould, nor of celestial bulk corporeal but spiritual, and partaker of +Thy eternity, because without defection for ever. For Thou hast made +it fast for ever and ever, Thou hast given it a law which it shall not +pass. Nor yet is it coeternal with Thee, O God, because not without +beginning; for it was made. + +For although we find no time before it, for wisdom was created before +all things; not that Wisdom which is altogether equal and coeternal unto +Thee, our God, His Father, and by Whom all things were created, and in +Whom, as the Beginning, Thou createdst heaven and earth; but that +wisdom which is created, that is, the intellectual nature, which by +contemplating the light, is light. For this, though created, is also +called wisdom. But what difference there is betwixt the Light which +enlighteneth, and which is enlightened, so much is there betwixt the +Wisdom that createth, and that created; as betwixt the Righteousness +which justifieth, and the righteousness which is made by justification. +For we also are called Thy righteousness; for so saith a certain +servant of Thine, That we might be made the righteousness of God in Him. +Therefore since a certain created wisdom was created before all things, +the rational and intellectual mind of that chaste city of Thine, our +mother which is above, and is free and eternal in the heavens (in +what heavens, if not in those that praise Thee, the Heaven of heavens? +Because this is also the Heaven of heavens for the Lord);--though we +find no time before it (because that which hath been created before all +things, precedeth also the creature of time), yet is the Eternity of +the Creator Himself before it, from Whom, being created, it took the +beginning, not indeed of time (for time itself was not yet), but of its +creation. + +Hence it is so of Thee, our God, as to be altogether other than Thou, +and not the Self-same: because though we find time neither before it, +nor even in it (it being meet ever to behold Thy face, nor is ever drawn +away from it, wherefore it is not varied by any change), yet is there in +it a liability to change, whence it would wax dark, and chill, but +that by a strong affection cleaving unto Thee, like perpetual noon, it +shineth and gloweth from Thee. O house most lightsome and delightsome! +I have loved thy beauty, and the place of the habitation of the glory +of my Lord, thy builder and possessor. Let my wayfaring sigh after thee, +and I say to Him that made thee, let Him take possession of me also in +thee, seeing He hath made me likewise. I have gone astray like a lost +sheep: yet upon the shoulders of my Shepherd, thy builder, hope I to be +brought back to thee. + +"What say ye to me, O ye gainsayers that I was speaking unto, who yet +believe Moses to have been the holy servant of God, and his books the +oracles of the Holy Ghost? Is not this house of God, not coeternal +indeed with God, yet after its measure, eternal in the heavens, when you +seek for changes of times in vain, because you will not find them? For +that, to which it is ever good to cleave fast to God, surpasses all +extension, and all revolving periods of time." "It is," say they. +"What then of all that which my heart loudly uttered unto my God, when +inwardly it heard the voice of His praise, what part thereof do you +affirm to be false? Is it that the matter was without form, in which +because there was no form, there was no order? But where no order was, +there could be no vicissitude of times: and yet this 'almost nothing,' +inasmuch as it was not altogether nothing, was from Him certainly, from +Whom is whatsoever is, in what degree soever it is." "This also," say +they, "do we not deny." + +With these I now parley a little in Thy presence, O my God, who grant +all these things to be true, which Thy Truth whispers unto my soul. For +those who deny these things, let them bark and deafen themselves as much +as they please; I will essay to persuade them to quiet, and to open in +them a way for Thy word. But if they refuse, and repel me; I beseech, O +my God, be not Thou silent to me. Speak Thou truly in my heart; for +only Thou so speakest: and I will let them alone blowing upon the dust +without, and raising it up into their own eyes: and myself will enter +my chamber, and sing there a song of loves unto Thee; groaning with +groanings unutterable, in my wayfaring, and remembering Jerusalem, with +heart lifted up towards it, Jerusalem my country, Jerusalem my mother, +and Thyself that rulest over it, the Enlightener, Father, Guardian, +Husband, the pure and strong delight, and solid joy, and all good things +unspeakable, yea all at once, because the One Sovereign and true Good. +Nor will I be turned away, until Thou gather all that I am, from this +dispersed and disordered estate, into the peace of that our most dear +mother, where the first-fruits of my spirit be already (whence I am +ascertained of these things), and Thou conform and confirm it for ever, +O my God, my Mercy. But those who do not affirm all these truths to be +false, who honour Thy holy Scripture, set forth by holy Moses, placing +it, as we, on the summit of authority to be followed, and do yet +contradict me in some thing, I answer thus; By Thyself judge, O our God, +between my Confessions and these men's contradictions. + +For they say, "Though these things be true, yet did not Moses intend +those two, when, by revelation of the Spirit, he said, In the beginning +God created heaven and earth. He did not under the name of heaven, +signify that spiritual or intellectual creature which always beholds the +face of God; nor under the name of earth, that formless matter." "What +then?" "That man of God," say they, "meant as we say, this declared he +by those words." "What?" "By the name of heaven and earth would he first +signify," say they, "universally and compendiously, all this visible +world; so as afterwards by the enumeration of the several days, to +arrange in detail, and, as it were, piece by piece, all those things, +which it pleased the Holy Ghost thus to enounce. For such were that +rude and carnal people to which he spake, that he thought them fit to be +entrusted with the knowledge of such works of God only as were visible." +They agree, however, that under the words earth invisible and without +form, and that darksome deep (out of which it is subsequently shown, +that all these visible things which we all know, were made and arranged +during those "days") may, not incongruously, be understood of this +formless first matter. + +What now if another should say that "this same formlessness and +confusedness of matter, was for this reason first conveyed under the +name of heaven and earth, because out of it was this visible world with +all those natures which most manifestly appear in it, which is ofttimes +called by the name of heaven and earth, created and perfected?" What +again if another say that "invisible and visible nature is not indeed +inappropriately called heaven and earth; and so, that the universal +creation, which God made in His Wisdom, that is, in the Beginning, was +comprehended under those two words? Notwithstanding, since all things be +made not of the substance of God, but out of nothing (because they are +not the same that God is, and there is a mutable nature in them all, +whether they abide, as doth the eternal house of God, or be changed, as +the soul and body of man are): therefore the common matter of all things +visible and invisible (as yet unformed though capable of form), out of +which was to be created both heaven and earth (i.e., the invisible and +visible creature when formed), was entitled by the same names given to +the earth invisible and without form and the darkness upon the deep, but +with this distinction, that by the earth invisible and without form is +understood corporeal matter, antecedent to its being qualified by any +form; and by the darkness upon the deep, spiritual matter, before it +underwent any restraint of its unlimited fluidness, or received any +light from Wisdom?" + +It yet remains for a man to say, if he will, that "the already perfected +and formed natures, visible and invisible, are not signified under the +name of heaven and earth, when we read, In the beginning God made heaven +and earth, but that the yet unformed commencement of things, the stuff +apt to receive form and making, was called by these names, because +therein were confusedly contained, not as yet distinguished by their +qualities and forms, all those things which being now digested into +order, are called Heaven and Earth, the one being the spiritual, the +other the corporeal, creation." + +All which things being heard and well considered, I will not strive +about words: for that is profitable to nothing, but the subversion of +the hearers. But the law is good to edify, if a man use it lawfully: for +that the end of it is charity, out of a pure heart and good conscience, +and faith unfeigned. And well did our Master know, upon which two +commandments He hung all the Law and the Prophets. And what doth it +prejudice me, O my God, Thou light of my eyes in secret, zealously +confessing these things, since divers things may be understood under +these words which yet are all true,--what, I say, doth it prejudice me, +if I think otherwise than another thinketh the writer thought? All we +readers verily strive to trace out and to understand his meaning whom we +read; and seeing we believe him to speak truly, we dare not imagine +him to have said any thing, which ourselves either know or think to +be false. While every man endeavours then to understand in the Holy +Scriptures, the same as the writer understood, what hurt is it, if a man +understand what Thou, the light of all true-speaking minds, dost show +him to be true, although he whom he reads, understood not this, seeing +he also understood a Truth, though not this truth? + +For true it is, O Lord, that Thou madest heaven and earth; and it is +true too, that the Beginning is Thy Wisdom, in Which Thou createst all: +and true again, that this visible world hath for its greater part +the heaven and the earth, which briefly comprise all made and created +natures. And true too, that whatsoever is mutable, gives us to +understand a certain want of form, whereby it receiveth a form, or is +changed, or turned. It is true, that that is subject to no times, which +so cleaveth to the unchangeable Form, as though subject to change, +never to be changed. It is true, that that formlessness which is almost +nothing, cannot be subject to the alteration of times. It is true, that +that whereof a thing is made, may by a certain mode of speech, be called +by the name of the thing made of it; whence that formlessness, whereof +heaven and earth were made, might be called heaven and earth. It is +true, that of things having form, there is not any nearer to having +no form, than the earth and the deep. It is true, that not only every +created and formed thing, but whatsoever is capable of being created and +formed, Thou madest, of Whom are all things. It is true, that whatsoever +is formed out of that which had no form, was unformed before it was +formed. + +Out of these truths, of which they doubt not whose inward eye Thou hast +enabled to see such things, and who unshakenly believe Thy servant Moses +to have spoken in the Spirit of truth;--of all these then, he taketh +one, who saith, In the Beginning God made the heaven and the earth; that +is, "in His Word coeternal with Himself, God made the intelligible and +the sensible, or the spiritual and the corporeal creature." He another, +that saith, In the Beginning God made heaven and earth; that is, "in +His Word coeternal with Himself, did God make the universal bulk of this +corporeal world, together with all those apparent and known creatures, +which it containeth." He another, that saith, In the Beginning God made +heaven and earth; that is, "in His Word coeternal with Himself, did +God make the formless matter of creatures spiritual and corporeal." He +another, that saith, In the Beginning God created heaven and earth; that +is, "in His Word coeternal with Himself, did God create the formless +matter of the creature corporeal, wherein heaven and earth lay as yet +confused, which, being now distinguished and formed, we at this day see +in the bulk of this world." He another, who saith, In the Beginning God +made heaven and earth; that is, "in the very beginning of creating and +working, did God make that formless matter, confusedly containing in +itself both heaven and earth; out of which, being formed, do they now +stand out, and are apparent, with all that is in them." + +And with regard to the understanding of the words following, out of all +those truths, he chooses one to himself, who saith, But the earth was +invisible, and without form, and darkness was upon the deep; that is, +"that corporeal thing that God made, was as yet a formless matter of +corporeal things, without order, without light." Another he who says, +The earth was invisible and without form, and darkness was upon the +deep; that is, "this all, which is called heaven and earth, was still +a formless and darksome matter, of which the corporeal heaven and the +corporeal earth were to be made, with all things in them, which are +known to our corporeal senses." Another he who says, The earth was +invisible and without form, and darkness was upon the deep; that is, +"this all, which is called heaven and earth, was still a formless and +a darksome matter; out of which was to be made, both that intelligible +heaven, otherwhere called the Heaven of heavens, and the earth, that is, +the whole corporeal nature, under which name is comprised this corporeal +heaven also; in a word, out of which every visible and invisible +creature was to be created." Another he who says, The earth was +invisible and without form, and darkness was upon the deep, "the +Scripture did not call that formlessness by the name of heaven and +earth; but that formlessness, saith he, already was, which he called the +earth invisible without form, and darkness upon the deep; of which +he had before said, that God had made heaven and earth, namely, the +spiritual and corporeal creature." Another he who says, The earth was +invisible and without form, and darkness was upon the deep; that is, +"there already was a certain formless matter, of which the Scripture +said before, that God made heaven and earth; namely, the whole corporeal +bulk of the world, divided into two great parts, upper and lower, with +all the common and known creatures in them." + +For should any attempt to dispute against these two last opinions, thus, +"If you will not allow, that this formlessness of matter seems to be +called by the name of heaven and earth; Ergo, there was something which +God had not made, out of which to make heaven and earth; for neither +hath Scripture told us, that God made this matter, unless we understand +it to be signified by the name of heaven and earth, or of earth alone, +when it is said, In the Beginning God made the heaven and earth; that so +in what follows, and the earth was invisible and without form (although +it pleased Him so to call the formless matter), we are to understand +no other matter, but that which God made, whereof is written above, God +made heaven and earth." The maintainers of either of those two latter +opinions will, upon hearing this, return for answer, "we do not deny +this formless matter to be indeed created by God, that God of Whom are +all things, very good; for as we affirm that to be a greater good, which +is created and formed, so we confess that to be a lesser good which is +made capable of creation and form, yet still good. We say however that +Scripture hath not set down, that God made this formlessness, as also it +hath not many others; as the Cherubim, and Seraphim, and those which +the Apostle distinctly speaks of, Thrones, Dominions, Principalities, +Powers. All which that God made, is most apparent. Or if in that which +is said, He made heaven and earth, all things be comprehended, what +shall we say of the waters, upon which the Spirit of God moved? For if +they be comprised in this word earth; how then can formless matter be +meant in that name of earth, when we see the waters so beautiful? Or +if it be so taken; why then is it written, that out of the same +formlessness, the firmament was made, and called heaven; and that the +waters were made, is not written? For the waters remain not formless and +invisible, seeing we behold them flowing in so comely a manner. But if +they then received that beauty, when God said, Let the waters under the +firmament be gathered together, that so the gathering together be itself +the forming of them; what will be said as to those waters above the +firmament? Seeing neither if formless would they have been worthy of so +honourable a seat, nor is it written, by what word they were formed. If +then Genesis is silent as to God's making of any thing, which yet +that God did make neither sound faith nor well-grounded understanding +doubteth, nor again will any sober teaching dare to affirm these +waters to be coeternal with God, on the ground that we find them to be +mentioned in the hook of Genesis, but when they were created, we do +not find; why (seeing truth teaches us) should we not understand that +formless matter (which this Scripture calls the earth invisible and +without form, and darksome deep) to have been created of God out of +nothing, and therefore not to be coeternal to Him; notwithstanding this +history hath omitted to show when it was created?" + +These things then being heard and perceived, according to the weakness +of my capacity (which I confess unto Thee, O Lord, that knowest it), two +sorts of disagreements I see may arise, when a thing is in words related +by true reporters; one, concerning the truth of the things, the other, +concerning the meaning of the relater. For we enquire one way about +the making of the creature, what is true; another way, what Moses, +that excellent minister of Thy Faith, would have his reader and hearer +understand by those words. For the first sort, away with all those +who imagine themselves to know as a truth, what is false; and for this +other, away with all them too, which imagine Moses to have written +things that be false. But let me be united in Thee, O Lord, with those +and delight myself in Thee, with them that feed on Thy truth, in the +largeness of charity, and let us approach together unto the words of +Thy book, and seek in them for Thy meaning, through the meaning of Thy +servant, by whose pen Thou hast dispensed them. + +But which of us shall, among those so many truths, which occur to +enquirers in those words, as they are differently understood, so +discover that one meaning, as to affirm, "this Moses thought," and "this +would he have understood in that history"; with the same confidence +as he would, "this is true," whether Moses thought this or that? For +behold, O my God, I Thy servant, who have in this book vowed a sacrifice +of confession unto Thee, and pray, that by Thy mercy I may pay my vows +unto Thee, can I, with the same confidence wherewith I affirm, that in +Thy incommutable world Thou createdst all things visible and invisible, +affirm also, that Moses meant no other than this, when he wrote, In the +Beginning God made heaven and earth? No. Because I see not in his mind, +that he thought of this when he wrote these things, as I do see it +in Thy truth to be certain. For he might have his thoughts upon God's +commencement of creating, when he said In the beginning; and by heaven +and earth, in this place he might intend no formed and perfected nature +whether spiritual or corporeal, but both of them inchoate and as yet +formless. For I perceive, that whichsoever of the two had been said, it +might have been truly said; but which of the two he thought of in these +words, I do not so perceive. Although, whether it were either of these, +or any sense beside (that I have not here mentioned), which this so +great man saw in his mind, when he uttered these words, I doubt not but +that he saw it truly, and expressed it aptly. + +Let no man harass me then, by saying, Moses thought not as you say, but +as I say: for if he should ask me, "How know you that Moses thought that +which you infer out of his words?" I ought to take it in good part, and +would answer perchance as I have above, or something more at large, if +he were unyielding. But when he saith, "Moses meant not what you say, +but what I say," yet denieth not that what each of us say, may both be +true, O my God, life of the poor, in Whose bosom is no contradiction, +pour down a softening dew into my heart, that I may patiently bear with +such as say this to me, not because they have a divine Spirit, and have +seen in the heart of Thy servant what they speak, but because they be +proud; not knowing Moses' opinion, but loving their own, not because it +is truth, but because it is theirs. Otherwise they would equally love +another true opinion, as I love what they say, when they say true: not +because it is theirs, but because it is true; and on that very ground +not theirs because it is true. But if they therefore love it, because +it is true, then is it both theirs, and mine; as being in common to all +lovers of truth. But whereas they contend that Moses did not mean what +I say, but what they say, this I like not, love not: for though it +were so, yet that their rashness belongs not to knowledge, but to +overboldness, and not insight but vanity was its parent. And therefore, +O Lord, are Thy judgements terrible; seeing Thy truth is neither mine, +nor his, nor another's; but belonging to us all, whom Thou callest +publicly to partake of it, warning us terribly, not to account +it private to ourselves, lest we be deprived of it. For whosoever +challenges that as proper to himself, which Thou propoundest to all to +enjoy, and would have that his own which belongs to all, is driven from +what is in common to his own; that is, from truth, to a lie. For he that +speaketh a lie, speaketh it of his own. + +Hearken, O God, Thou best judge; Truth Itself, hearken to what I shall +say to this gainsayer, hearken, for before Thee do I speak, and before +my brethren, who employ Thy law lawfully, to the end of charity: +hearken and behold, if it please Thee, what I shall say to him. For this +brotherly and peaceful word do I return unto Him: "If we both see that +to be true that Thou sayest, and both see that to be true that I say, +where, I pray Thee, do we see it? Neither I in thee, nor thou in me; but +both in the unchangeable Truth itself, which is above our souls." Seeing +then we strive not about the very light of the Lord God, why strive +we about the thoughts of our neighbour which we cannot so see, as the +unchangeable Truth is seen: for that, if Moses himself had appeared to +us and said, "This I meant"; neither so should we see it, but should +believe it. Let us not then be puffed up for one against another, above +that which is written: let us love the Lord our God with all our heart, +with all our soul, and with all our mind: and our neighbour as ourself. +With a view to which two precepts of charity, unless we believe that +Moses meant, whatsoever in those books he did mean, we shall make God +a liar, imagining otherwise of our fellow servant's mind, than he hath +taught us. Behold now, how foolish it is, in such abundance of most +true meanings, as may be extracted out of those words, rashly to affirm, +which of them Moses principally meant; and with pernicious contentions +to offend charity itself, for whose sake he spake every thing, whose +words we go about to expound. + +And yet I, O my God, Thou lifter up of my humility, and rest of my +labour, Who hearest my confessions, and forgivest my sins: seeing Thou +commandest me to love my neighbour as myself, I cannot believe that Thou +gavest a less gift unto Moses Thy faithful servant, than I would wish +or desire Thee to have given me, had I been born in the time he was, and +hadst Thou set me in that office, that by the service of my heart and +tongue those books might be dispensed, which for so long after were to +profit all nations, and through the whole world from such an eminence of +authority, were to surmount all sayings of false and proud teachings. I +should have desired verily, had I then been Moses (for we all come from +the same lump, and what is man, saving that Thou art mindful of him?), +I would then, had I been then what he was, and been enjoined by Thee to +write the book of Genesis, have desired such a power of expression and +such a style to be given me, that neither they who cannot yet understand +how God created, might reject the sayings, as beyond their capacity; and +they who had attained thereto, might find what true opinion soever they +had by thought arrived at, not passed over in those few words of +that Thy servant: and should another man by the light of truth have +discovered another, neither should that fail of being discoverable in +those same words. + +For as a fountain within a narrow compass, is more plentiful, and +supplies a tide for more streams over larger spaces, than any one of +those streams, which, after a wide interval, is derived from the same +fountain; so the relation of that dispenser of Thine, which was to +benefit many who were to discourse thereon, does out of a narrow +scantling of language, overflow into streams of clearest truth, whence +every man may draw out for himself such truth as he can upon these +subjects, one, one truth, another, another, by larger circumlocutions of +discourse. For some, when they read, or hear these words, conceive that +God like a man or some mass endued with unbounded power, by some new +and sudden resolution, did, exterior to itself, as it were at a certain +distance, create heaven and earth, two great bodies above and below, +wherein all things were to be contained. And when they hear, God said, +Let it be made, and it was made; they conceive of words begun and ended, +sounding in time, and passing away; after whose departure, that came +into being, which was commanded so to do; and whatever of the like sort, +men's acquaintance with the material world would suggest. In whom, being +yet little ones and carnal, while their weakness is by this humble +kind of speech, carried on, as in a mother's bosom, their faith is +wholesomely built up, whereby they hold assured, that God made all +natures, which in admirable variety their eye beholdeth around. Which +words, if any despising, as too simple, with a proud weakness, shall +stretch himself beyond the guardian nest; he will, alas, fall miserably. +Have pity, O Lord God, lest they who go by the way trample on the +unfledged bird, and send Thine angel to replace it into the nest, that +it may live, till it can fly. + +But others, unto whom these words are no longer a nest, but deep shady +fruit-bowers, see the fruits concealed therein, fly joyously around, +and with cheerful notes seek out, and pluck them. For reading or hearing +these words, they see that all times past and to come, are surpassed by +Thy eternal and stable abiding; and yet that there is no creature formed +in time, not of Thy making. Whose will, because it is the same that Thou +art, Thou madest all things, not by any change of will, nor by a will, +which before was not, and that these things were not out of Thyself, in +Thine own likeness, which is the form of all things; but out of nothing, +a formless unlikeness, which should be formed by Thy likeness (recurring +to Thy Unity, according to their appointed capacity, so far as is given +to each thing in his kind), and might all be made very good; whether +they abide around Thee, or being in gradation removed in time and place, +made or undergo the beautiful variations of the Universe. These things +they see, and rejoice, in the little degree they here may, in the light +of Thy truth. + +Another bends his mind on that which is said, In the Beginning God made +heaven and earth; and beholdeth therein Wisdom, the Beginning because +It also speaketh unto us. Another likewise bends his mind on the same +words, and by Beginning understands the commencement of things created; +In the beginning He made, as if it were said, He at first made. And +among them that understand In the Beginning to mean, "In Thy Wisdom Thou +createdst heaven and earth," one believes the matter out of which the +heaven and earth were to be created, to be there called heaven and +earth; another, natures already formed and distinguished; another, one +formed nature, and that a spiritual, under the name Heaven, the other +formless, a corporeal matter, under the name Earth. They again who by +the names heaven and earth, understand matter as yet formless, out of +which heaven and earth were to be formed, neither do they understand it +in one way; but the one, that matter out of which both the intelligible +and the sensible creature were to be perfected; another, that only, out +of which this sensible corporeal mass was to be made, containing in +its vast bosom these visible and ordinary natures. Neither do they, who +believe the creatures already ordered and arranged, to be in this place +called heaven and earth, understand the same; but the one, both the +invisible and visible, the other, the visible only, in which we behold +this lightsome heaven, and darksome earth, with the things in them +contained. + +But he that no otherwise understands In the Beginning He made, than if +it were said, At first He made, can only truly understand heaven and +earth of the matter of heaven and earth, that is, of the universal +intelligible and corporeal creation. For if he would understand thereby +the universe, as already formed, it may be rightly demanded of him, "If +God made this first, what made He afterwards?" and after the universe, +he will find nothing; whereupon must he against his will hear another +question; "How did God make this first, if nothing after?" But when +he says, God made matter first formless, then formed, there is no +absurdity, if he be but qualified to discern, what precedes by eternity, +what by time, what by choice, and what in original. By eternity, as +God is before all things; by time, as the flower before the fruit; by +choice, as the fruit before the flower; by original, as the sound before +the tune. Of these four, the first and last mentioned, are with extreme +difficulty understood, the two middle, easily. For a rare and too lofty +a vision is it, to behold Thy Eternity, O Lord, unchangeably making +things changeable; and thereby before them. And who, again, is of +so sharp-sighted understanding, as to be able without great pains to +discern, how the sound is therefore before the tune; because a tune is +a formed sound; and a thing not formed, may exist; whereas that which +existeth not, cannot be formed. Thus is the matter before the thing +made; not because it maketh it, seeing itself is rather made; nor is it +before by interval of time; for we do not first in time utter formless +sounds without singing, and subsequently adapt or fashion them into +the form of a chant, as wood or silver, whereof a chest or vessel is +fashioned. For such materials do by time also precede the forms of the +things made of them, but in singing it is not so; for when it is sung, +its sound is heard; for there is not first a formless sound, which is +afterwards formed into a chant. For each sound, so soon as made, passeth +away, nor canst thou find ought to recall and by art to compose. So +then the chant is concentrated in its sound, which sound of his is his +matter. And this indeed is formed, that it may be a tune; and therefore +(as I said) the matter of the sound is before the form of the tune; not +before, through any power it hath to make it a tune; for a sound is no +way the workmaster of the tune; but is something corporeal, subjected to +the soul which singeth, whereof to make a tune. Nor is it first in time; +for it is given forth together with the tune; nor first in choice, for +a sound is not better than a tune, a tune being not only a sound, but +a beautiful sound. But it is first in original, because a tune receives +not form to become a sound, but a sound receives a form to become a +tune. By this example, let him that is able, understand how the matter +of things was first made, and called heaven and earth, because heaven +and earth were made out of it. Yet was it not made first in time; +because the forms of things give rise to time; but that was without +form, but now is, in time, an object of sense together with its form. +And yet nothing can be related of that matter, but as though prior in +time, whereas in value it is last (because things formed are superior +to things without form) and is preceded by the Eternity of the Creator: +that so there might be out of nothing, whereof somewhat might be +created. + +In this diversity of the true opinions, let Truth herself produce +concord. And our God have mercy upon us, that we may use the law +lawfully, the end of the commandment, pure charity. By this if man +demands of me, "which of these was the meaning of Thy servant Moses"; +this were not the language of my Confessions, should I not confess unto +Thee, "I know not"; and yet I know that those senses are true, those +carnal ones excepted, of which I have spoken what seemed necessary. And +even those hopeful little ones who so think, have this benefit, that the +words of Thy Book affright them not, delivering high things lowlily, +and with few words a copious meaning. And all we who, I confess, see and +express the truth delivered in those words, let us love one another, and +jointly love Thee our God, the fountain of truth, if we are athirst for +it, and not for vanities; yea, let us so honour this Thy servant, the +dispenser of this Scripture, full of Thy Spirit, as to believe that, +when by Thy revelation he wrote these things, he intended that, which +among them chiefly excels both for light of truth, and fruitfulness of +profit. + +So when one says, "Moses meant as I do"; and another, "Nay, but as I +do," I suppose that I speak more reverently, "Why not rather as both, +if both be true?" And if there be a third, or a fourth, yea if any other +seeth any other truth in those words, why may not he be believed to +have seen all these, through whom the One God hath tempered the holy +Scriptures to the senses of many, who should see therein things true but +divers? For I certainly (and fearlessly I speak it from my heart), that +were I to indite any thing to have supreme authority, I should prefer +so to write, that whatever truth any could apprehend on those matters, +might be conveyed in my words, rather than set down my own meaning so +clearly as to exclude the rest, which not being false, could not offend +me. I will not therefore, O my God, be so rash, as not to believe, that +Thou vouchsafedst as much to that great man. He without doubt, when he +wrote those words, perceived and thought on what truth soever we have +been able to find, yea and whatsoever we have not been able, nor yet +are, but which may be found in them. + +Lastly, O Lord, who art God and not flesh and blood, if man did see +less, could any thing be concealed from Thy good Spirit (who shall lead +me into the land of uprightness), which Thou Thyself by those words wert +about to reveal to readers in times to come, though he through whom +they were spoken, perhaps among many true meanings, thought on some one? +which if so it be, let that which he thought on be of all the highest. +But to us, O Lord, do Thou, either reveal that same, or any other true +one which Thou pleasest; that so, whether Thou discoverest the same to +us, as to that Thy servant, or some other by occasion of those words, +yet Thou mayest feed us, not error deceive us. Behold, O Lord my God, +how much we have written upon a few words, how much I beseech Thee! What +strength of ours, yea what ages would suffice for all Thy books in this +manner? Permit me then in these more briefly to confess unto Thee, and +to choose some one true, certain, and good sense that Thou shalt inspire +me, although many should occur, where many may occur; this being the law +my confession, that if I should say that which Thy minister intended, +that is right and best; for this should I endeavour, which if I should +not attain, yet I should say that, which Thy Truth willed by his words +to tell me, which revealed also unto him, what It willed. + + + + +BOOK XIII + + +I call upon Thee, O my God, my mercy, Who createdst me, and forgottest +not me, forgetting Thee. I call Thee into my soul which, by the longing +Thyself inspirest into her, Thou preparest for Thee. Forsake me not now +calling upon Thee, whom Thou preventedst before I called, and urgedst me +with much variety of repeated calls, that I would hear Thee from afar, +and be converted, and call upon Thee, that calledst after me; for Thou, +Lord, blottedst out all my evil deservings, so as not to repay into my +hands, wherewith I fell from Thee; and Thou hast prevented all my well +deservings, so as to repay the work of Thy hands wherewith Thou madest +me; because before I was, Thou wert; nor was I any thing, to which +Thou mightest grant to be; and yet behold, I am, out of Thy goodness, +preventing all this which Thou hast made me, and whereof Thou hast made +me. For neither hadst Thou need of me, nor am I any such good, as to be +helpful unto Thee, my Lord and God; not in serving Thee, as though Thou +wouldest tire in working; or lest Thy power might be less, if lacking +my service: nor cultivating Thy service, as a land, that must remain +uncultivated, unless I cultivated Thee: but serving and worshipping +Thee, that I might receive a well-being from Thee, from whom it comes, +that I have a being capable of well-being. + +For of the fulness of Thy goodness, doth Thy creature subsist, that so +a good, which could no ways profit Thee, nor was of Thee (lest so it +should be equal to Thee), might yet be since it could be made of Thee. +For what did heaven and earth, which Thou madest in the Beginning, +deserve of Thee? Let those spiritual and corporeal natures which Thou +madest in Thy Wisdom, say wherein they deserved of Thee, to depend +thereon (even in that their several inchoate and formless state, whether +spiritual or corporeal, ready to fall away into an immoderate liberty +and far-distant unlikeliness unto Thee;--the spiritual, though without +form, superior to the corporeal though formed, and the corporeal though +without form, better than were it altogether nothing), and so to depend +upon Thy Word, as formless, unless by the same Word they were brought +back to Thy Unity, indued with form and from Thee the One Sovereign +Good were made all very good. How did they deserve of Thee, to be even +without form, since they had not been even this, but from Thee? + +How did corporeal matter deserve of Thee, to be even invisible and +without form? seeing it were not even this, but that Thou madest it, and +therefore because it was not, could not deserve of Thee to be made. Or +how could the inchoate spiritual creature deserve of Thee, even to ebb +and flow darksomely like the deep,--unlike Thee, unless it had been +by the same Word turned to that, by Whom it was created, and by Him so +enlightened, become light; though not equally, yet conformably to that +Form which is equal unto Thee? For as in a body, to be, is not one with +being beautiful, else could it not be deformed; so likewise to a created +spirit to live, is not one with living wisely; else should it be wise +unchangeably. But good it is for it always to hold fast to Thee; lest +what light it hath obtained by turning to Thee, it lose by turning +from Thee, and relapse into life resembling the darksome deep. For we +ourselves also, who as to the soul are a spiritual creature, turned away +from Thee our light, were in that life sometimes darkness; and still +labour amidst the relics of our darkness, until in Thy Only One we +become Thy righteousness, like the mountains of God. For we have been +Thy judgments, which are like the great deep. + +That which Thou saidst in the beginning of the creation, Let there be +light, and there was light; I do, not unsuitably, understand of the +spiritual creature: because there was already a sort of life, which Thou +mightest illuminate. But as it had no claim on Thee for a life, which +could be enlightened, so neither now that it was, had it any, to be +enlightened. For neither could its formless estate be pleasing unto +Thee, unless it became light, and that not by existing simply, but by +beholding the illuminating light, and cleaving to it; so that, that it +lived, and lived happily, it owes to nothing but Thy grace, being turned +by a better change unto That which cannot be changed into worse or +better; which Thou alone art, because Thou alone simply art; unto +Thee it being not one thing to live, another to live blessedly, seeing +Thyself art Thine own Blessedness. + +What then could be wanting unto Thy good, which Thou Thyself art, +although these things had either never been, or remained without form; +which thou madest, not out of any want, but out of the fulness of Thy +goodness, restraining them and converting them to form, not as though +Thy joy were fulfilled by them? For to Thee being perfect, is their +imperfection displeasing, and hence were they perfected by Thee, and +please Thee; not as wert Thou imperfect, and by their perfecting wert +also to be perfected. For Thy good Spirit indeed was borne over the +waters, not borne up by them, as if He rested upon them. For those, on +whom Thy good Spirit is said to rest, He causes to rest in Himself. But +Thy incorruptible and unchangeable will, in itself all-sufficient for +itself, was borne upon that life which Thou hadst created; to which, +living is not one with happy living, seeing it liveth also, ebbing and +flowing in its own darkness: for which it remaineth to be converted unto +Him, by Whom it was made, and to live more and more by the fountain +of life, and in His light to see light, and to be perfected, and +enlightened, and beautified. + +Lo, now the Trinity appears unto me in a glass darkly, which is Thou my +God, because Thou, O Father, in Him Who is the Beginning of our wisdom, +Which is Thy Wisdom, born of Thyself, equal unto Thee and coeternal, +that is, in Thy Son, createdst heaven and earth. Much now have we said +of the Heaven of heavens, and of the earth invisible and without form, +and of the darksome deep, in reference to the wandering instability of +its spiritual deformity, unless it had been converted unto Him, from +Whom it had its then degree of life, and by His enlightening became a +beauteous life, and the heaven of that heaven, which was afterwards +set between water and water. And under the name of God, I now held the +Father, who made these things, and under the name of Beginning, the Son, +in whom He made these things; and believing, as I did, my God as the +Trinity, I searched further in His holy words, and lo, Thy Spirit moved +upon the waters. Behold the Trinity, my God, Father, and Son, and Holy +Ghost, Creator of all creation. + +But what was the cause, O true-speaking Light?--unto Thee lift I up my +heart, let it not teach me vanities, dispel its darkness; and tell me, I +beseech Thee, by our mother charity, tell me the reason, I beseech Thee, +why after the mention of heaven, and of the earth invisible and without +form, and darkness upon the deep, Thy Scripture should then at length +mention Thy Spirit? Was it because it was meet that the knowledge of Him +should be conveyed, as being "borne above"; and this could not be +said, unless that were first mentioned, over which Thy Spirit may +be understood to have been borne. For neither was He borne above the +Father, nor the Son, nor could He rightly be said to be borne above, if +He were borne over nothing. First then was that to be spoken of, over +which He might be borne; and then He, whom it was meet not otherwise to +be spoken of than as being borne. But wherefore was it not meet that +the knowledge of Him should be conveyed otherwise, than as being borne +above? + +Hence let him that is able, follow with his understanding Thy Apostle, +where he thus speaks, Because Thy love is shed abroad in our hearts by +the Holy Ghost which is given unto us: and where concerning spiritual +gifts, he teacheth and showeth unto us a more excellent way of charity; +and where he bows his knee unto Thee for us, that we may know the +supereminent knowledge of the love of Christ. And therefore from the +beginning, was He borne supereminent above the waters. To whom shall I +speak this? how speak of the weight of evil desires, downwards to the +steep abyss; and how charity raises up again by Thy Spirit which was +borne above the waters? to whom shall I speak it? how speak it? For it +is not in space that we are merged and emerge. What can be more, and yet +what less like? They be affections, they be loves; the uncleanness +of our spirit flowing away downwards with the love of cares, and the +holiness of Thine raising us upward by love of unanxious repose; that +we may lift our hearts unto Thee, where Thy Spirit is borne above the +waters; and come to that supereminent repose, when our soul shall have +passed through the waters which yield no support. + +Angels fell away, man's soul fell away, and thereby pointed the abyss in +that dark depth, ready for the whole spiritual creation, hadst not Thou +said from the beginning, Let there be light, and there had been light, +and every obedient intelligence of Thy heavenly City had cleaved to +Thee, and rested in Thy Spirit, Which is borne unchangeably over every +thing changeable. Otherwise, had even the heaven of heavens been in +itself a darksome deep; but now it is light in the Lord. For even in +that miserable restlessness of the spirits, who fell away and discovered +their own darkness, when bared of the clothing of Thy light, dost Thou +sufficiently reveal how noble Thou madest the reasonable creature; to +which nothing will suffice to yield a happy rest, less than Thee; and so +not even herself. For Thou, O our God, shalt lighten our darkness: from +Thee riseth our garment of light; and then shall our darkness be as +the noon day. Give Thyself unto me, O my God, restore Thyself unto me: +behold I love, and if it be too little, I would love more strongly. I +cannot measure so as to know, how much love there yet lacketh to me, ere +my life may run into Thy embracements, nor turn away, until it be hidden +in the hidden place of Thy Presence. This only I know, that woe is +me except in Thee: not only without but within myself also; and all +abundance, which is not my God, is emptiness to me. + +But was not either the Father, or the Son, borne above the waters? if +this means, in space, like a body, then neither was the Holy Spirit; +but if the unchangeable supereminence of Divinity above all things +changeable, then were both Father, and Son, and Holy Ghost borne upon +the waters. Why then is this said of Thy Spirit only, why is it said +only of Him? As if He had been in place, Who is not in place, of Whom +only it is written, that He is Thy gift? In Thy Gift we rest; there we +enjoy Thee. Our rest is our place. Love lifts us up thither, and Thy +good Spirit lifts up our lowliness from the gates of death. In Thy good +pleasure is our peace. The body by its own weight strives towards its +own place. Weight makes not downward only, but to his own place. Fire +tends upward, a stone downward. They are urged by their own weight, +they seek their own places. Oil poured below water, is raised above the +water; water poured upon oil, sinks below the oil. They are urged by +their own weights to seek their own places. When out of their order, +they are restless; restored to order, they are at rest. My weight, is my +love; thereby am I borne, whithersoever I am borne. We are inflamed, by +Thy Gift we are kindled; and are carried upwards; we glow inwardly, and +go forwards. We ascend Thy ways that be in our heart, and sing a song of +degrees; we glow inwardly with Thy fire, with Thy good fire, and we go; +because we go upwards to the peace of Jerusalem: for gladdened was I in +those who said unto me, We will go up to the house of the Lord. There +hath Thy good pleasure placed us, that we may desire nothing else, but +to abide there for ever. + +Blessed creature, which being itself other than Thou, has known no +other condition, than that, so soon as it was made, it was, without +any interval, by Thy Gift, Which is borne above every thing changeable, +borne aloft by that calling whereby Thou saidst, Let there be light, and +there was light. Whereas in us this took place at different times, in +that we were darkness, and are made light: but of that is only said, +what it would have been, had it not been enlightened. And, this is so +spoken, as if it had been unsettled and darksome before; that so the +cause whereby it was made otherwise, might appear, namely, that being +turned to the Light unfailing it became light. Whoso can, let him +understand this; let him ask of Thee. Why should he trouble me, as if I +could enlighten any man that cometh into this world? + +Which of us comprehendeth the Almighty Trinity? and yet which speaks not +of It, if indeed it be It? Rare is the soul, which while it speaks of +It, knows what it speaks of. And they contend and strive, yet, without +peace, no man sees that vision. I would that men would consider these +three, that are in themselves. These three be indeed far other than the +Trinity: I do but tell, where they may practise themselves, and there +prove and feel how far they be. Now the three I spake of are, To Be, +to Know, and to Will. For I Am, and Know, and Will: I Am Knowing and +Willing: and I Know myself to Be, and to Will: and I Will to Be, and to +Know. In these three then, let him discern that can, how inseparable +a life there is, yea one life, mind, and one essence, yea lastly how +inseparable a distinction there is, and yet a distinction. Surely a man +hath it before him; let him look into himself, and see, and tell me. But +when he discovers and can say any thing of these, let him not therefore +think that he has found that which is above these Unchangeable, which +Is unchangeably, and Knows unchangeably, and Wills unchangeably; and +whether because of these three, there is in God also a Trinity, or +whether all three be in Each, so that the three belong to Each; or +whether both ways at once, wondrously, simply and yet manifoldly, Itself +a bound unto Itself within Itself, yet unbounded; whereby It is, and is +Known unto Itself and sufficeth to itself, unchangeably the Self-same, +by the abundant greatness of its Unity,--who can readily conceive this? +who could any ways express it? who would, any way, pronounce thereon +rashly? + +Proceed in thy confession, say to the Lord thy God, O my faith, Holy, +Holy, Holy, O Lord my God, in Thy Name have we been baptised, Father, +Son, and Holy Ghost; in Thy Name do we baptise, Father, Son, and Holy +Ghost, because among us also, in His Christ did God make heaven and +earth, namely, the spiritual and carnal people of His Church. Yea and +our earth, before it received the form of doctrine, was invisible and +without form; and we were covered with the darkness of ignorance. For +Thou chastenedst man for iniquity, and Thy judgments were like the great +deep unto him. But because Thy Spirit was borne above the waters, Thy +mercy forsook not our misery, and Thou saidst, Let there be light, +Repent ye, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand. Repent ye, let there be +light. And because our soul was troubled within us, we remembered Thee, +O Lord, from the land of Jordan, and that mountain equal unto Thyself, +but little for our sakes: and our darkness displeased us, we turned unto +Thee and there was light. And, behold, we were sometimes darkness, but +now light in the Lord. + +But as yet by faith and not by sight, for by hope we are saved; but hope +that is seen, is not hope. As yet doth deep call unto deep, but now in +the voice of Thy water-spouts. As yet doth he that saith, I could not +speak unto you as unto spiritual, but as unto carnal, even he as yet, +doth not think himself to have apprehended, and forgetteth those things +which are behind, and reacheth forth to those which are before, and +groaneth being burthened, and his soul thirsteth after the Living +God, as the hart after the water-brooks, and saith, When shall I come? +desiring to be clothed upon with his house which is from heaven, and +calleth upon this lower deep, saying, Be not conformed to this world, +but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind. And, be not children +in understanding, but in malice, be ye children, that in understanding +ye may be perfect; and O foolish Galatians, who hath bewitched you? But +now no longer in his own voice; but in Thine who sentest Thy Spirit from +above; through Him who ascended up on high, and set open the flood-gates +of His gifts, that the force of His streams might make glad the city of +God. Him doth this friend of the Bridegroom sigh after, having now the +first-fruits of the Spirit laid up with Him, yet still groaning within +himself, waiting for the adoption, to wit, the redemption of his body; +to Him he sighs, a member of the Bride; for Him he is jealous, as being +a friend of the Bridegroom; for Him he is jealous, not for himself; +because in the voice of Thy water-spouts, not in his own voice, doth he +call to that other depth, over whom being jealous he feareth, lest as +the serpent beguiled Eve through his subtilty, so their minds should be +corrupted from the purity that is in our Bridegroom Thy only Son. O +what a light of beauty will that be, when we shall see Him as He is, +and those tears be passed away, which have been my meat day and night, +whilst they daily say unto me, Where is now Thy God? + +Behold, I too say, O my God, Where art Thou? see, where Thou art! in +Thee I breathe a little, when I pour out my soul by myself in the voice +of joy and praise, the sound of him that keeps holy-day. And yet again +it is sad, because it relapseth, and becomes a deep, or rather perceives +itself still to be a deep. Unto it speaks my faith which Thou hast +kindled to enlighten my feet in the night, Why art thou sad, O my soul, +and why dost thou trouble me? Hope in the Lord; His word is a lanthorn +unto thy feet: hope and endure, until the night, the mother of the +wicked, until the wrath of the Lord, be overpast, whereof we also were +once children, who were sometimes darkness, relics whereof we bear +about us in our body, dead because of sin; until the day break, and the +shadows fly away. Hope thou in the Lord; in the morning I shall stand in +Thy presence, and contemplate Thee: I shall for ever confess unto Thee. +In the morning I shall stand in Thy presence, and shall see the health +of my countenance, my God, who also shall quicken our mortal bodies, by +the Spirit that dwelleth in us, because He hath in mercy been borne +over our inner darksome and floating deep: from Whom we have in this +pilgrimage received an earnest, that we should now be light: whilst we +are saved by hope, and are the children of light, and the children of +the day, not the children of the night, nor of the darkness, which yet +sometimes we were. Betwixt whom and us, in this uncertainty of human +knowledge, Thou only dividest; Thou, who provest our hearts, and callest +the light, day, and the darkness, night. For who discerneth us, but +Thou? And what have we, that we have not received of Thee? out of the +same lump vessels are made unto honour, whereof others also are made +unto dishonour. + +Or who, except Thou, our God, made for us that firmament of authority +over us in Thy Divine Scripture? as it is said, For heaven shall be +folded up like a scroll; and now is it stretched over us like a skin. +For Thy Divine Scripture is of more eminent authority, since those +mortals by whom Thou dispensest it unto us, underwent mortality. And +Thou knowest, Lord, Thou knowest, how Thou with skins didst clothe men, +when they by sin became mortal. Whence Thou hast like a skin stretched +out the firmament of Thy book, that is, Thy harmonizing words, which +by the ministry of mortal men Thou spreadest over us. For by their very +death was that solid firmament of authority, in Thy discourses set forth +by them, more eminently extended over all that be under it; which whilst +they lived here, was not so eminently extended. Thou hadst not as yet +spread abroad the heaven like a skin; Thou hadst not as yet enlarged in +all directions the glory of their deaths. + +Let us look, O Lord, upon the heavens, the work of Thy fingers; clear +from our eyes that cloud, which Thou hast spread under them. There is +Thy testimony, which giveth wisdom unto the little ones: perfect, O my +God, Thy praise out of the mouth of babes and sucklings. For we know no +other books, which so destroy pride, which so destroy the enemy and the +defender, who resisteth Thy reconciliation by defending his own sins. I +know not, Lord, I know not any other such pure words, which so persuade +me to confess, and make my neck pliant to Thy yoke, and invite me to +serve Thee for nought. Let me understand them, good Father: grant this +to me, who am placed under them: because for those placed under them, +hast Thou established them. + +Other waters there be above this firmament, I believe immortal, and +separated from earthly corruption. Let them praise Thy Name, let them +praise Thee, the supercelestial people, Thine angels, who have no need +to gaze up at this firmament, or by reading to know of Thy Word. For +they always behold Thy face, and there read without any syllables in +time, what willeth Thy eternal will; they read, they choose, they love. +They are ever reading; and that never passes away which they read; for +by choosing, and by loving, they read the very unchangeableness of Thy +counsel. Their book is never closed, nor their scroll folded up; seeing +Thou Thyself art this to them, and art eternally; because Thou hast +ordained them above this firmament, which Thou hast firmly settled over +the infirmity of the lower people, where they might gaze up and learn +Thy mercy, announcing in time Thee Who madest times. For Thy mercy, O +Lord, is in the heavens, and Thy truth reacheth unto the clouds. The +clouds pass away, but the heaven abideth. The preachers of Thy word pass +out of this life into another; but Thy Scripture is spread abroad over +the people, even unto the end of the world. Yet heaven and earth also +shall pass away, but Thy words shall not pass away. Because the scroll +shall be rolled together: and the grass over which it was spread, shall +with the goodliness of it pass away; but Thy Word remaineth for ever, +which now appeareth unto us under the dark image of the clouds, and +through the glass of the heavens, not as it is: because we also, though +the well-beloved of Thy Son, yet it hath not yet appeared what we +shall be. He looketh through the lattice of our flesh, and He spake us +tenderly, and kindled us, and we ran after His odours. But when He shall +appear, then shall we be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is. As He +is, Lord, will our sight be. + +For altogether, as Thou art, Thou only knowest; Who art unchangeably, +and knowest unchangeably, and willest unchangeably. And Thy Essence +Knoweth, and Willeth unchangeably; and Thy Knowledge Is, and Willeth +unchangeably; and Thy Will Is, and Knoweth unchangeably. Nor seemeth it +right in Thine eyes, that as the Unchangeable Light knoweth Itself, so +should it be known by the thing enlightened, and changeable. Therefore +is my soul like a land where no water is, because as it cannot of itself +enlighten itself, so can it not of itself satisfy itself. For so is the +fountain of life with Thee, like as in Thy light we shall see light. + +Who gathered the embittered together into one society? For they have all +one end, a temporal and earthly felicity, for attaining whereof they do +all things, though they waver up and down with an innumerable variety of +cares. Who, Lord, but Thou, saidst, Let the waters be gathered together +into one place, and let the dry land appear, which thirsteth after Thee? +For the sea also is Thine, and Thou hast made it, and Thy hands prepared +the dry land. Nor is the bitterness of men's wills, but the gathering +together of the waters, called sea; for Thou restrainest the wicked +desires of men's souls, and settest them their bounds, how far they may +be allowed to pass, that their waves may break one against another: and +thus makest Thou it a sea, by the order of Thy dominion over all things. + +But the souls that thirst after Thee, and that appear before Thee (being +by other bounds divided from the society of the sea), Thou waterest by +a sweet spring, that the earth may bring forth her fruit, and Thou, Lord +God, so commanding, our soul may bud forth works of mercy according +to their kind, loving our neighbour in the relief of his bodily +necessities, having seed in itself according to its likeness, when from +feeling of our infirmity, we compassionate so as to relieve the needy; +helping them, as we would be helped; if we were in like need; not only +in things easy, as in herb yielding seed, but also in the protection of +our assistance, with our best strength, like the tree yielding fruit: +that is, well-doing in rescuing him that suffers wrong, from the hand +of the powerful, and giving him the shelter of protection, by the mighty +strength of just judgment. + +So, Lord, so, I beseech Thee, let there spring up, as Thou doest, as +Thou givest cheerfulness and ability, let truth spring out of the earth, +and righteousness look down from heaven, and let there be lights in the +firmament. Let us break our bread to the hungry, and bring the houseless +poor to our house. Let us clothe the naked, and despise not those of our +own flesh. Which fruits having sprung out of the earth, see it is good: +and let our temporary light break forth; and ourselves, from this lower +fruitfulness of action, arriving at the delightfulness of contemplation, +obtaining the Word of Life above, appear like lights in the world, +cleaving to the firmament of Thy Scripture. For there Thou instructest +us, to divide between the things intellectual, and things of sense, as +betwixt the day and the night; or between souls, given either to things +intellectual, or things of sense, so that now not Thou only in the +secret of Thy judgment, as before the firmament was made, dividest +between the light and the darkness, but Thy spiritual children also +set and ranked in the same firmament (now that Thy grace is laid open +throughout the world), may give light upon the earth, and divide betwixt +the day and the night, and be for signs of times, that old things +are passed away, and, behold, all things are become new; and that our +salvation is nearer than when we believed: and that the night is far +spent, and the day is at hand: and that Thou wilt crown Thy year with +blessing, sending the labourers of Thy goodness into Thy harvest, in +sowing whereof, others have laboured, sending also into another field, +whose harvest shall be in the end. Thus grantest Thou the prayers of him +that asketh, and blessest the years of the just; but Thou art the same, +and in Thy years which fail not, Thou preparest a garner for our passing +years. For Thou by an eternal counsel dost in their proper seasons +bestow heavenly blessings upon the earth. For to one is given by the +Spirit the word of wisdom, as it were the lesser light: to another +faith; to another the gift with the light of perspicuous truth, as it +were for the rule of the day. To another the word of knowledge by the +same Spirit, as it were the lesser light: to another faith; to another +the gift of healing; to another the working of miracles; to another +prophecy; to another discerning of spirits; to another divers kinds of +tongues. And all these as it were stars. For all these worketh the one +and self-same spirit, dividing to every man his own as He will; and +causing stars to appear manifestly, to profit withal. But the word of +knowledge, wherein are contained all Sacraments, which are varied in +their seasons as it were the moon, and those other notices of gifts, +which are reckoned up in order, as it were stars, inasmuch as they come +short of that brightness of wisdom, which gladdens the forementioned +day, are only for the rule of the night. For they are necessary to such, +as that Thy most prudent servant could not speak unto as unto spiritual, +but as unto carnal; even he, who speaketh wisdom among those that are +perfect. But the natural man, as it were a babe in Christ and fed on +milk, until he be strengthened for solid meat and his eye be enabled to +behold the Sun, let him not dwell in a night forsaken of all light, but +be content with the light of the moon and the stars. So dost Thou speak +to us, our All-wise God, in Thy Book, Thy firmament; that we may discern +all things, in an admirable contemplation; though as yet in signs and in +times, and in days, and in years. + +But first, wash you, be clean; put away evil from your souls, and from +before mine eyes, that the dry land may appear. Learn to do good, judge +the fatherless, plead for the widow, that the earth may bring forth the +green herb for meat, and the tree bearing fruit; and come, let us reason +together, saith the Lord, that there may be lights in the firmament of +the heaven, and they may shine upon the earth. That rich man asked of +the good Master, what he should do to attain eternal life. Let the +good Master tell him (whom he thought no more than man; but He is good +because He is God), let Him tell him, if he would enter into life, he +must keep the commandments: let him put away from him the bitterness +of malice and wickedness; not kill, not commit adultery, not steal, not +bear false witness; that the dry land may appear, and bring forth the +honouring of father and mother, and the love of our neighbour. All these +(saith he) have I kept. Whence then so many thorns, if the earth be +fruitful? Go, root up the spreading thickets of covetousness; sell that +thou hast, and be filled with fruit, by giving to the poor, and thou +shalt have treasure in heaven; and follow the Lord if thou wilt be +perfect, associated with them, among whom He speaketh wisdom, Who +knoweth what to distribute to the day, and to the night, that thou also +mayest know it, and for thee there may be lights in the firmament of +heaven; which will not be, unless thy heart be there: nor will that +either be, unless there thy treasure be; as thou hast heard of the good +Master. But that barren earth was grieved; and the thorns choked the +word. + +But you, chosen generation, you weak things of the world, who have +forsaken all, that ye may follow the Lord; go after Him, and confound +the mighty; go after Him, ye beautiful feet, and shine ye in the +firmament, that the heavens may declare His glory, dividing between the +light of the perfect, though not as the angels, and the darkness of the +little ones, though not despised. Shine over the earth; and let the +day, lightened by the sun, utter unto day, speech of wisdom; and night, +shining with the moon, show unto night, the word of knowledge. The moon +and stars shine for the night; yet doth not the night obscure them, +seeing they give it light in its degree. For behold God saying, as +it were, Let there be lights in the firmament of heaven; there came +suddenly a sound from heaven, as it had been the rushing of a mighty +wind, and there appeared cloven tongues like as of fire, and it sat upon +each of them. And there were made lights in the firmament of heaven, +having the word of life. Run ye to and fro every where, ye holy fires, +ye beauteous fires; for ye are the light of the world, nor are ye put +under a bushel; He whom you cleave unto, is exalted, and hath exalted +you. Run ye to and fro, and be known unto all nations. + +Let the sea also conceive and bring forth your works; and let the waters +bring forth the moving creature that hath life. For ye, separating the +precious from the vile, are made the mouth of God, by whom He saith, Let +the waters bring forth, not the living creature which the earth brings +forth, but the moving creature having life, and the fowls that fly above +the earth. For Thy Sacraments, O God, by the ministry of Thy holy ones, +have moved amid the waves of temptations of the world, to hallow the +Gentiles in Thy Name, in Thy Baptism. And amid these things, many great +wonders were wrought, as it were great whales: and the voices of Thy +messengers flying above the earth, in the open firmament of Thy Book; +that being set over them, as their authority under which they were to +fly, whithersoever they went. For there is no speech nor language, where +their voice is not heard: seeing their sound is gone through all the +earth, and their words to the end of the world, because Thou, Lord, +multipliedst them by blessing. + +Speak I untruly, or do I mingle and confound, and not distinguish +between the lucid knowledge of these things in the firmament of heaven, +and the material works in the wavy sea, and under the firmament of +heaven? For of those things whereof the knowledge is substantial and +defined, without any increase by generation, as it were lights of wisdom +and knowledge, yet even of them, the material operations are many and +divers; and one thing growing out of another, they are multiplied by Thy +blessing, O God, who hast refreshed the fastidiousness of mortal senses; +that so one thing in the understanding of our mind, may, by the motions +of the body, be many ways set out, and expressed. These Sacraments have +the waters brought forth; but in Thy word. The necessities of the people +estranged from the eternity of Thy truth, have brought them forth, +but in Thy Gospel; because the waters themselves cast them forth, the +diseased bitterness whereof was the cause, why they were sent forth in +Thy Word. + +Now are all things fair that Thou hast made; but behold, Thyself art +unutterably fairer, that madest all; from whom had not Adam fallen, the +brackishness of the sea had never flowed out of him, that is, the human +race so profoundly curious, and tempestuously swelling, and restlessly +tumbling up and down; and then had there been no need of Thy dispensers +to work in many waters, after a corporeal and sensible manner, +mysterious doings and sayings. For such those moving and flying +creatures now seem to me to mean, whereby people being initiated and +consecrated by corporeal Sacraments, should not further profit, unless +their soul had a spiritual life, and unless after the word of admission, +it looked forwards to perfection. + +And hereby, in Thy Word, not the deepness of the sea, but the earth +separated from the bitterness of the waters, brings forth, not the +moving creature that hath life, but the living soul. For now hath it no +more need of baptism, as the heathen have, and as itself had, when it +was covered with the waters; (for no other entrance is there into the +kingdom of heaven, since Thou hast appointed that this should be the +entrance): nor does it seek after wonderfulness of miracles to work +belief; for it is not such, that unless it sees signs and wonders, it +will not believe, now that the faithful earth is separated from the +waters that were bitter with infidelity; and tongues are for a sign, not +to them that believe, but to them that believe not. Neither then does +that earth which Thou hast founded upon the waters, need that flying +kind, which at Thy word the waters brought forth. Send Thou Thy word +into it by Thy messengers: for we speak of their working, yet it is Thou +that workest in them that they may work out a living soul in it. The +earth brings it forth, because the earth is the cause that they work +this in the soul; as the sea was the cause that they wrought upon +the moving creatures that have life, and the fowls that fly under the +firmament of heaven, of whom the earth hath no need; although it feeds +upon that fish which was taken out of the deep, upon that table which +Thou hast prepared in the presence of them that believe. For therefore +was He taken out of the deep, that He might feed the dry land; and the +fowl, though bred in the sea, is yet multiplied upon the earth. For of +the first preachings of the Evangelists, man's infidelity was the cause; +yet are the faithful also exhorted and blessed by them manifoldly, from +day to day. But the living soul takes his beginning from the earth: for +it profits only those already among the Faithful, to contain themselves +from the love of this world, that so their soul may live unto Thee, +which was dead while it lived in pleasures; in death-bringing pleasures, +Lord, for Thou, Lord, art the life-giving delight of the pure heart. + +Now then let Thy ministers work upon the earth,--not as upon the waters +of infidelity, by preaching and speaking by miracles, and Sacraments, +and mystic words; wherein ignorance, the mother of admiration, might +be intent upon them, out of a reverence towards those secret signs. For +such is the entrance unto the Faith for the sons of Adam forgetful of +Thee, while they hide themselves from Thy face, and become a darksome +deep. But--let Thy ministers work now as on the dry land, separated from +the whirlpools of the great deep: and let them be a pattern unto the +Faithful, by living before them, and stirring them up to imitation. For +thus do men hear, so as not to hear only, but to do also. Seek the Lord, +and your soul shall live, that the earth may bring forth the living +soul. Be not conformed to the world. Contain yourselves from it: the +soul lives by avoiding what it dies by affecting. Contain yourselves +from the ungoverned wildness of pride, the sluggish voluptuousness of +luxury, and the false name of knowledge: that so the wild beasts may be +tamed, the cattle broken to the yoke, the serpents, harmless. For +these be the motions of our mind under an allegory; that is to say, the +haughtiness of pride, the delight of lust, and the poison of curiosity, +are the motions of a dead soul; for the soul dies not so as to lose all +motion; because it dies by forsaking the fountain of life, and so is +taken up by this transitory world, and is conformed unto it. + +But Thy word, O God, is the fountain of life eternal; and passeth not +away: wherefore this departure of the soul is restrained by Thy word, +when it is said unto us, Be not conformed unto this world; that so the +earth may in the fountain of life bring forth a living soul; that is, +a soul made continent in Thy Word, by Thy Evangelists, by following the +followers of Thy Christ. For this is after his kind; because a man is +wont to imitate his friend. Be ye (saith he) as I am, for I also am +as you are. Thus in this living soul shall there be good beasts, in +meekness of action (for Thou hast commanded, Go on with thy business in +meekness, so shalt thou be beloved by all men); and good cattle, which +neither if they eat, shall they over-abound, nor, if they eat not, have +any lack; and good serpents, not dangerous, to do hurt, but wise to take +heed; and only making so much search into this temporal nature, as may +suffice that eternity be clearly seen, being understood by the things +that are made. For these creatures are obedient unto reason, when being +restrained from deadly prevailing upon us, they live, and are good. + +For behold, O Lord, our God, our Creator, when our affections have +been restrained from the love of the world, by which we died through +evil-living; and begun to be a living soul, through good living; and +Thy word which Thou spokest by Thy apostle, is made good in us, Be not +conformed to this world: there follows that also, which Thou presently +subjoinedst, saying, But be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind; +not now after your kind, as though following your neighbour who went +before you, nor as living after the example of some better man (for Thou +saidst not, "Let man be made after his kind," but, Let us make man after +our own image and similitude), that we might prove what Thy will is. For +to this purpose said that dispenser of Thine (who begat children by the +Gospel), that he might not for ever have them babes, whom he must be +fain to feed with milk, and cherish as a nurse; be ye transformed (saith +he) by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good +and acceptable and perfect will of God. Wherefore Thou sayest not, "Let +man be made," but Let us make man. Nor saidst Thou, "according to his +kind"; but, after our image and likeness. For man being renewed in his +mind, and beholding and understanding Thy truth, needs not man as his +director, so as to follow after his kind; but by Thy direction proveth +what is that good, that acceptable, and perfect will of Thine: yea, Thou +teachest him, now made capable, to discern the Trinity of the Unity, and +the Unity of the Trinity. Wherefore to that said in the plural, Let us +make man, is yet subjoined in the singular, And God made man: and +to that said in the plural, After our likeness, is subjoined in the +singular, After the image of God. Thus is man renewed in the knowledge +of God, after the image of Him that created him: and being made +spiritual, he judgeth all things (all things which are to be judged), +yet himself is judged of no man. + +But that he judgeth all things, this answers to his having dominion over +the fish of the sea, and over the fowls of the air, and over all cattle +and wild beasts, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing +that creepeth upon the earth. For this he doth by the understanding of +his mind, whereby he perceiveth the things of the Spirit of God; whereas +otherwise, man being placed in honour, had no understanding, and is +compared unto the brute beasts, and is become like unto them. In Thy +Church therefore, O our God, according to Thy grace which Thou hast +bestowed upon it (for we are Thy workmanship created unto good +works), not those only who are spiritually set over, but they also who +spiritually are subject to those that are set over them,--for in this +way didst Thou make man male and female, in Thy grace spiritual, where, +according to the sex of body, there is neither male nor female, because +neither Jew nor Grecian, neither bond nor free.--Spiritual persons +(whether such as are set over, or such as obey); do judge spiritually; +not of that spiritual knowledge which shines in the firmament (for they +ought not to judge as to so supreme authority), nor may they judge of +Thy Book itself, even though something there shineth not clearly; for we +submit our understanding unto it, and hold for certain, that even what +is closed to our sight, is yet rightly and truly spoken. For so man, +though now spiritual and renewed in the knowledge of God after His image +that created him, ought to be a doer of the law, not a judge. Neither +doth he judge of that distinction of spiritual and carnal men, who +are known unto Thine eyes, O our God, and have not as yet discovered +themselves unto us by works, that by their fruits we might know them: +but Thou, Lord, dost even now know them, and hast divided and called +them in secret, or ever the firmament was made. Nor doth he, though +spiritual, judge the unquiet people of this world; for what hath he +to do, to judge them that are without, knowing not which of them shall +hereafter come into the sweetness of Thy grace; and which continue in +the perpetual bitterness of ungodliness? + +Man therefore, whom Thou hast made after Thine own image, received not +dominion over the lights of heaven, nor over that hidden heaven +itself, nor over the day and the night, which Thou calledst before the +foundation of the heaven, nor over the gathering together of the waters, +which is the sea; but He received dominion over the fishes of the sea, +and the fowls of the air, and over all cattle, and over all the earth, +and over all creeping things which creep upon the earth. For He judgeth +and approveth what He findeth right, and He disalloweth what He findeth +amiss, whether in the celebration of those Sacraments by which such +are initiated, as Thy mercy searches out in many waters: or in that, in +which that Fish is set forth, which, taken out of the deep, the devout +earth feedeth upon: or in the expressions and signs of words, subject to +the authority of Thy Book,--such signs, as proceed out of the mouth, +and sound forth, flying as it were under the firmament, by interpreting, +expounding, discoursing disputing, consecrating, or praying unto Thee, +so that the people may answer, Amen. The vocal pronouncing of all which +words, is occasioned by the deep of this world, and the blindness of the +flesh, which cannot see thoughts; So that there is need to speak aloud +into the ears; so that, although flying fowls be multiplied upon the +earth, yet they derive their beginning from the waters. The spiritual +man judgeth also by allowing of what is right, and disallowing what he +finds amiss, in the works and lives of the faithful; their alms, as it +were the earth bringing forth fruit, and of the living soul, living +by the taming of the affections, in chastity, in fasting, in holy +meditations; and of those things, which are perceived by the senses of +the body. Upon all these is he now said to judge, wherein he hath also +power of correction. + +But what is this, and what kind of mystery? Behold, Thou blessest +mankind, O Lord, that they may increase and multiply, and replenish the +earth; dost Thou not thereby give us a hint to understand something? why +didst Thou not as well bless the light, which Thou calledst day; nor the +firmament of heaven, nor the lights, nor the stars, nor the earth, nor +the sea? I might say that Thou, O God, who created us after +Thine Image, I might say, that it had been Thy good pleasure to bestow +this blessing peculiarly upon man; hadst Thou not in like manner blessed +the fishes and the whales, that they should increase and multiply, and +replenish the waters of the sea, and that the fowls should be multiplied +upon the earth. I might say likewise, that this blessing pertained +properly unto such creatures, as are bred of their own kind, had I found +it given to the fruit-trees, and plants, and beasts of the earth. But +now neither unto the herbs, nor the trees, nor the beasts, nor serpents +is it said, Increase and multiply; notwithstanding all these as well as +the fishes, fowls, or men, do by generation increase and continue their +kind. + +What then shall I say, O Truth my Light? "that it was idly said, and +without meaning?" Not so, O Father of piety, far be it from a minister +of Thy word to say so. And if I understand not what Thou meanest by +that phrase, let my betters, that is, those of more understanding than +myself, make better use of it, according as Thou, my God, hast given to +each man to understand. But let my confession also be pleasing in Thine +eyes, wherein I confess unto Thee, that I believe, O Lord, that Thou +spokest not so in vain; nor will I suppress, what this lesson suggests +to me. For it is true, nor do I see what should hinder me from thus +understanding the figurative sayings of Thy Bible. For I know a thing +to be manifoldly signified by corporeal expressions, which is understood +one way by the mind; and that understood many ways in the mind, which +is signified one way by corporeal expression. Behold, the single love +of God and our neighbour, by what manifold sacraments, and innumerable +languages, and in each several language, in how innumerable modes of +speaking, it is corporeally expressed. Thus do the offspring of the +waters increase and multiply. Observe again, whosoever readest this; +behold, what Scripture delivers, and the voice pronounces one only way, +In the Beginning God created heaven and earth; is it not understood +manifoldly, not through any deceit of error, but by various kinds of +true senses? Thus do man's offspring increase and multiply. + +If therefore we conceive of the natures of the things themselves, not +allegorically, but properly, then does the phrase increase and multiply, +agree unto all things, that come of seed. But if we treat of the words +as figuratively spoken (which I rather suppose to be the purpose of +the Scripture, which doth not, surely, superfluously ascribe this +benediction to the offspring of aquatic animals and man only); then +do we find "multitude" to belong to creatures spiritual as well as +corporeal, as in heaven and earth, and to righteous and unrighteous, as +in light and darkness; and to holy authors who have been the ministers +of the Law unto us, as in the firmament which is settled betwixt +the waters and the waters; and to the society of people yet in the +bitterness of infidelity, as in the sea; and to the zeal of holy souls, +as in the dry land; and to works of mercy belonging to this present +life, as in the herbs bearing seed, and in trees bearing fruit; and to +spiritual gifts set forth for edification, as in the lights of heaven; +and to affections formed unto temperance, as in the living soul. In all +these instances we meet with multitudes, abundance, and increase; but +what shall in such wise increase and multiply that one thing may be +expressed many ways, and one expression understood many ways; we find +not, except in signs corporeally expressed, and in things mentally +conceived. By signs corporeally pronounced we understand the generations +of the waters, necessarily occasioned by the depth of the flesh; +by things mentally conceived, human generations, on account of the +fruitfulness of reason. And for this end do we believe Thee, Lord, to +have said to these kinds, Increase and multiply. For in this blessing, I +conceive Thee to have granted us a power and a faculty, both to express +several ways what we understand but one; and to understand several ways, +what we read to be obscurely delivered but in one. Thus are the +waters of the sea replenished, which are not moved but by several +significations: thus with human increase is the earth also replenished, +whose dryness appeareth in its longing, and reason ruleth over it. + +I would also say, O Lord my God, what the following Scripture minds me +of; yea, I will say, and not fear. For I will say the truth, Thyself +inspiring me with what Thou willedst me to deliver out of those words. +But by no other inspiration than Thine, do I believe myself to speak +truth, seeing Thou art the Truth, and every man a liar. He therefore +that speaketh a lie, speaketh of his own; that therefore I may speak +truth, I will speak of Thine. Behold, Thou hast given unto us for food +every herb bearing seed which is upon all the earth; and every tree, +in which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed. And not to us alone, but +also to all the fowls of the air, and to the beasts of the earth, and to +all creeping things; but unto the fishes and to the great whales, hast +Thou not given them. Now we said that by these fruits of the earth were +signified, and figured in an allegory, the works of mercy which are +provided for the necessities of this life out of the fruitful earth. +Such an earth was the devout Onesiphorus, unto whose house Thou gavest +mercy, because he often refreshed Thy Paul, and was not ashamed of his +chain. Thus did also the brethren, and such fruit did they bear, who out +of Macedonia supplied what was lacking to him. But how grieved he for +some trees, which did not afford him the fruit due unto him, where he +saith, At my first answer no man stood by me, but all men forsook me. I +pray God that it may not be laid to their charge. For these fruits are +due to such as minister the spiritual doctrine unto us out of their +understanding of the divine mysteries; and they are due to them, as men; +yea and due to them also, as the living soul, which giveth itself as an +example, in all continency; and due unto them also, as flying creatures, +for their blessings which are multiplied upon the earth, because their +sound went out into all lands. + +But they are fed by these fruits, that are delighted with them; nor are +they delighted with them, whose God is their belly. For neither in them +that yield them, are the things yielded the fruit, but with what mind +they yield them. He therefore that served God, and not his own belly, +I plainly see why he rejoiced; I see it, and I rejoice with him. For he +had received from the Philippians, what they had sent by Epaphroditus +unto him: and yet I perceive why he rejoiced. For whereat he rejoiced +upon that he fed; for, speaking in truth, I rejoiced (saith he) greatly +in the Lord, that now at the last your care of me hath flourished again, +wherein ye were also careful, but it had become wearisome unto you. +These Philippians then had now dried up, with a long weariness, and +withered as it were as to bearing this fruit of a good work; and he +rejoiceth for them, that they flourished again, not for himself, that +they supplied his wants. Therefore subjoins he, not that I speak in +respect of want, for I have learned in whatsoever state I am, therewith +to be content. I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound; +every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full, and to be +hungry; both to abound, and to suffer need. I can do all things through +Him which strengtheneth me. + +Whereat then rejoicest thou, O great Paul? whereat rejoicest thou? +whereon feedest thou, O man, renewed in the knowledge of God, after the +image of Him that created thee, thou living soul, of so much continency, +thou tongue like flying fowls, speaking mysteries? (for to such +creatures, is this food due;) what is it that feeds thee? joy. Hear +we what follows: notwithstanding, ye have well done, that ye did +communicate with my affliction. Hereat he rejoiceth, hereon feedeth; +because they had well done, not because his strait was eased, who saith +unto Thee, Thou hast enlarged me when I was in distress; for that he +knew to abound, and to suffer want, in Thee Who strengthenest him. +For ye Philippians also know (saith he), that in the beginning of the +Gospel, when I departed from Macedonia, no Church communicated with +me as concerning giving and receiving, but ye only. For even in +Thessalonica ye sent once and again unto my necessity. Unto these good +works, he now rejoiceth that they are returned; and is gladdened that +they flourished again, as when a fruitful field resumes its green. + +Was it for his own necessities, because he said, Ye sent unto my +necessity? Rejoiceth he for that? Verily not for that. But how know we +this? Because himself says immediately, not because I desire a gift, but +I desire fruit. I have learned of Thee, my God, to distinguish betwixt +a gift, and fruit. A gift, is the thing itself which he gives, that +imparts these necessaries unto us; as money, meat, drink, clothing, +shelter, help: but the fruit, is the good and right will of the giver. +For the Good Master said not only, He that receiveth a prophet, but +added, in the name of a prophet: nor did He only say, He that receiveth +a righteous man, but added, in the name of a righteous man. So verily +shall the one receive the reward of a prophet, the other, the reward of +a righteous man: nor saith He only, He that shall give to drink a cup +of cold water to one of my little ones; but added, in the name of a +disciple: and so concludeth, Verily I say unto you, he shall not lose +his reward. The gift is, to receive a prophet, to receive a righteous +man, to give a cup of cold water to a disciple: but the fruit, to do +this in the name of a prophet, in the name of a righteous man, in the +name of a disciple. With fruit was Elijah fed by the widow that knew +she fed a man of God, and therefore fed him: but by the raven was he fed +with a gift. Nor was the inner man of Elijah so fed, but the outer only; +which might also for want of that food have perished. + +I will then speak what is true in Thy sight, O Lord, that when carnal +men and infidels (for the gaining and initiating whom, the initiatory +Sacraments and the mighty workings of miracles are necessary, which we +suppose to be signified by the name of fishes and whales) undertake +the bodily refreshment, or otherwise succour Thy servant with something +useful for this present life; whereas they be ignorant, why this is to +be done, and to what end; neither do they feed these, nor are these +fed by them; because neither do the one do it out of an holy and right +intent; nor do the other rejoice at their gifts, whose fruit they as +yet behold not. For upon that is the mind fed, of which it is glad. +And therefore do not the fishes and whales feed upon such meats, as the +earth brings not forth until after it was separated and divided from the +bitterness of the waves of the sea. + +And Thou, O God, sawest every thing that Thou hadst made, and, behold, +it was very good. Yea we also see the same, and behold, all things are +very good. Of the several kinds of Thy works, when Thou hadst said "let +them be," and they were, Thou sawest each that it was good. Seven times +have I counted it to be written, that Thou sawest that that which Thou +madest was good: and this is the eighth, that Thou sawest every thing +that Thou hadst made, and, behold, it was not only good, but also very +good, as being now altogether. For severally, they were only good; but +altogether, both good, and very good. All beautiful bodies express the +same; by reason that a body consisting of members all beautiful, is +far more beautiful than the same members by themselves are, by whose +well-ordered blending the whole is perfected; notwithstanding that the +members severally be also beautiful. + +And I looked narrowly to find, whether seven, or eight times Thou sawest +that Thy works were good, when they pleased Thee; but in Thy seeing I +found no times, whereby I might understand that Thou sawest so often, +what Thou madest. And I said, "Lord, is not this Thy Scripture true, +since Thou art true, and being Truth, hast set it forth? why then dost +Thou say unto me, 'that in Thy seeing there be no times'; whereas this +Thy Scripture tells me, that what Thou madest each day, Thou sawest that +it was good: and when I counted them, I found how often." Unto this Thou +answerest me, for Thou art my God, and with a strong voice tellest Thy +servant in his inner ear, breaking through my deafness and crying, "O +man, that which My Scripture saith, I say: and yet doth that speak in +time; but time has no relation to My Word; because My Word exists +in equal eternity with Myself. So the things which ye see through My +Spirit, I see; like as what ye speak by My Spirit, I speak. And so when +ye see those things in time, I see them not in time; as when ye speak in +time, I speak them not in time." + +And I heard, O Lord my God, and drank up a drop of sweetness out of Thy +truth, and understood, that certain men there be who mislike Thy works; +and say, that many of them Thou madest, compelled by necessity; such +as the fabric of the heavens, and harmony of the stars; and that Thou +madest them not of what was Thine, but that they were otherwhere and +from other sources created, for Thee to bring together and compact and +combine, when out of Thy conquered enemies Thou raisedst up the walls of +the universe; that they, bound down by the structure, might not again +be able to rebel against Thee. For other things, they say Thou neither +madest them, nor even compactedst them, such as all flesh and all very +minute creatures, and whatsoever hath its root in the earth; but that +a mind at enmity with Thee, and another nature not created by Thee, and +contrary unto Thee, did, in these lower stages of the world, beget and +frame these things. Frenzied are they who say thus, because they see not +Thy works by Thy Spirit, nor recognise Thee in them. + +But they who by Thy Spirit see these things, Thou seest in them. +Therefore when they see that these things are good, Thou seest that they +are good; and whatsoever things for Thy sake please, Thou pleasest in +them, and what through Thy Spirit please us, they please Thee in us. For +what man knoweth the things of a man, save the spirit of a man, which is +in him? even so the things of God knoweth no one, but the Spirit of God. +Now we (saith he) have received, not the spirit of this world, but the +Spirit which is of God, that we might know the things that are freely +given to us of God. And I am admonished, "Truly the things of God +knoweth no one, but the Spirit of God: how then do we also know, what +things are given us of God?" Answer is made me; "because the things +which we know by His Spirit, even these no one knoweth, but the Spirit +of God. For as it is rightly said unto those that were to speak by the +Spirit of God, it is not ye that speak: so is it rightly said to them +that know through the Spirit of God, 'It is not ye that know.' And no +less then is it rightly said to those that see through the Spirit of +God, 'It is not ye that see'; so whatsoever through the Spirit of God +they see to be good, it is not they, but God that sees that it is good." +It is one thing then for a man to think that to be ill which is good, +as the forenamed do; another, that that which is good, a man should see +that it is good (as Thy creatures be pleasing unto many, because they +be good, whom yet Thou pleasest not in them, when they prefer to enjoy +them, to Thee); and another, that when a man sees a thing that it is +good, God should in him see that it is good, so, namely, that He should +be loved in that which He made, Who cannot be loved, but by the Holy +Ghost which He hath given. Because the love of God is shed abroad in our +hearts by the Holy Ghost, Which is given unto us: by Whom we see that +whatsoever in any degree is, is good. For from Him it is, who Himself Is +not in degree, but what He Is, Is. + +Thanks to Thee, O Lord. We behold the heaven and earth, whether the +corporeal part, superior and inferior, or the spiritual and corporeal +creature; and in the adorning of these parts, whereof the universal pile +of the world, or rather the universal creation, doth consist, we see +light made, and divided from the darkness. We see the firmament of +heaven, whether that primary body of the world, between the spiritual +upper waters and the inferior corporeal waters, or (since this also +is called heaven) this space of air through which wander the fowls of +heaven, betwixt those waters which are in vapours borne above them, and +in clear nights distill down in dew; and those heavier waters which flow +along the earth. We behold a face of waters gathered together in the +fields of the sea; and the dry land both void, and formed so as to be +visible and harmonized, yea and the matter of herbs and trees. We behold +the lights shining from above, the sun to suffice for the day, the moon +and the stars to cheer the night; and that by all these, times should +be marked and signified. We behold on all sides a moist element, +replenished with fishes, beasts, and birds; because the grossness of +the air, which bears up the flights of birds, thickeneth itself by the +exhalation of the waters. We behold the face of the earth decked out +with earthly creatures, and man, created after Thy image and likeness, +even through that Thy very image and likeness (that is the power of +reason and understanding), set over all irrational creatures. And as +in his soul there is one power which has dominion by directing, another +made subject, that it might obey; so was there for the man, corporeally +also, made a woman, who in the mind of her reasonable understanding +should have a parity of nature, but in the sex of her body, should be in +like manner subject to the sex of her husband, as the appetite of doing +is fain to conceive the skill of right-doing from the reason of +the mind. These things we behold, and they are severally good, and +altogether very good. + +Let Thy works praise Thee, that we may love Thee; and let us love Thee, +that Thy works may praise Thee, which from time have beginning and +ending, rising and setting, growth and decay, form and privation. They +have then their succession of morning and evening, part secretly, part +apparently; for they were made of nothing, by Thee, not of Thee; not of +any matter not Thine, or that was before, but of matter concreated (that +is, at the same time created by Thee), because to its state without +form, Thou without any interval of time didst give form. For seeing +the matter of heaven and earth is one thing, and the form another, Thou +madest the matter of merely nothing, but the form of the world out of +the matter without form: yet both together, so that the form should +follow the matter, without any interval of delay. + +We have also examined what Thou willedst to be shadowed forth, whether +by the creation, or the relation of things in such an order. And we have +seen, that things singly are good, and together very good, in Thy Word, +in Thy Only-Begotten, both heaven and earth, the Head and the body of +the Church, in Thy predestination before all times, without morning +and evening. But when Thou begannest to execute in time the things +predestinated, to the end Thou mightest reveal hidden things, and +rectify our disorders; for our sins hung over us, and we had sunk into +the dark deep; and Thy good Spirit was borne over us, to help us in due +season; and Thou didst justify the ungodly, and dividest them from the +wicked; and Thou madest the firmament of authority of Thy Book between +those placed above, who were to be docile unto Thee, and those under, +who were to be subject to them: and Thou gatheredst together the society +of unbelievers into one conspiracy, that the zeal of the faithful might +appear, and they might bring forth works of mercy, even distributing to +the poor their earthly riches, to obtain heavenly. And after this didst +Thou kindle certain lights in the firmament, Thy Holy ones, having the +word of life; and shining with an eminent authority set on high through +spiritual gifts; after that again, for the initiation of the unbelieving +Gentiles, didst Thou out of corporeal matter produce the Sacraments, and +visible miracles, and forms of words according to the firmament of Thy +Book, by which the faithful should be blessed and multiplied. Next +didst Thou form the living soul of the faithful, through affections well +ordered by the vigour of continency: and after that, the mind subjected +to Thee alone and needing to imitate no human authority, hast Thou +renewed after Thy image and likeness; and didst subject its rational +actions to the excellency of the understanding, as the woman to the man; +and to all Offices of Thy Ministry, necessary for the perfecting of the +faithful in this life, Thou willedst, that for their temporal uses, good +things, fruitful to themselves in time to come, be given by the same +faithful. All these we see, and they are very good, because Thou seest +them in us, Who hast given unto us Thy Spirit, by which we might see +them, and in them love Thee. + +O Lord God, give peace unto us: (for Thou hast given us all things;) the +peace of rest, the peace of the Sabbath, which hath no evening. For +all this most goodly array of things very good, having finished their +courses, is to pass away, for in them there was morning and evening. + +But the seventh day hath no evening, nor hath it setting; because Thou +hast sanctified it to an everlasting continuance; that that which Thou +didst after Thy works which were very good, resting the seventh day, +although Thou madest them in unbroken rest, that may the voice of +Thy Book announce beforehand unto us, that we also after our works +(therefore very good, because Thou hast given them us), shall rest in +Thee also in the Sabbath of eternal life. + +For then shalt Thou rest in us, as now Thou workest in us; and so shall +that be Thy rest through us, as these are Thy works through us. But +Thou, Lord, ever workest, and art ever at rest. Nor dost Thou see in +time, nor art moved in time, nor restest in a time; and yet Thou makest +things seen in time, yea the times themselves, and the rest which +results from time. + +We therefore see these things which Thou madest, because they are: but +they are, because Thou seest them. And we see without, that they are, +and within, that they are good, but Thou sawest them there, when made, +where Thou sawest them, yet to be made. And we were at a later time +moved to do well, after our hearts had conceived of Thy Spirit; but in +the former time we were moved to do evil, forsaking Thee; but Thou, the +One, the Good God, didst never cease doing good. And we also have some +good works, of Thy gift, but not eternal; after them we trust to rest in +Thy great hallowing. But Thou, being the Good which needeth no good, art +ever at rest, because Thy rest is Thou Thyself. And what man can teach +man to understand this? or what Angel, an Angel? or what Angel, a man? +Let it be asked of Thee, sought in Thee, knocked for at Thee; so, so +shall it be received, so shall it be found, so shall it be opened. Amen. + + GRATIAS TIBI DOMINE + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CONFESSIONS OF SAINT AUGUSTINE *** + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will +be renamed. + +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the +United States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part +of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project +Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™ +concept and trademark. 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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms +of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online +at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you +are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the +country where you are located before using this eBook. +</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: The Confessions of Saint Augustine</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: Saint Augustine</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Translator: E. B. Pusey (Edward Bouverie)</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: March 19, 2001 [eBook #3296]<br /> +[Most recently updated: May 5, 2023]</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Produced by: Robert S. Munday</div> +<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CONFESSIONS OF SAINT AUGUSTINE ***</div> + + <h1> + THE CONFESSIONS<br /> + OF<br /> + SAINT AUGUSTINE + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + By Saint Augustine + </h2> + <h3> + Bishop of Hippo + </h3> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h4> + Translated by E. B. Pusey (Edward Bouverie) + </h4> + <h5> + AD 401 + </h5> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + <b>CONTENTS</b> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> BOOK I </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> BOOK II </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> BOOK III </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> BOOK IV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> BOOK V </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> BOOK VI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> BOOK VII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> BOOK VIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> BOOK IX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0010"> BOOK X </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> BOOK XI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0012"> BOOK XII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0013"> BOOK XIII </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"></a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOOK I + </h2> + <p> + Great art Thou, O Lord, and greatly to be praised; great is Thy power, and + Thy wisdom infinite. And Thee would man praise; man, but a particle of Thy + creation; man, that bears about him his mortality, the witness of his sin, + the witness that Thou resistest the proud: yet would man praise Thee; he, + but a particle of Thy creation. Thou awakest us to delight in Thy praise; + for Thou madest us for Thyself, and our heart is restless, until it repose + in Thee. Grant me, Lord, to know and understand which is first, to call on + Thee or to praise Thee? and, again, to know Thee or to call on Thee? for + who can call on Thee, not knowing Thee? for he that knoweth Thee not, may + call on Thee as other than Thou art. Or, is it rather, that we call on + Thee that we may know Thee? but how shall they call on Him in whom they + have not believed? or how shall they believe without a preacher? and they + that seek the Lord shall praise Him: for they that seek shall find Him, + and they that find shall praise Him. I will seek Thee, Lord, by calling on + Thee; and will call on Thee, believing in Thee; for to us hast Thou been + preached. My faith, Lord, shall call on Thee, which Thou hast given me, + wherewith Thou hast inspired me, through the Incarnation of Thy Son, + through the ministry of the Preacher. + </p> + <p> + And how shall I call upon my God, my God and Lord, since, when I call for + Him, I shall be calling Him to myself? and what room is there within me, + whither my God can come into me? whither can God come into me, God who + made heaven and earth? is there, indeed, O Lord my God, aught in me that + can contain Thee? do then heaven and earth, which Thou hast made, and + wherein Thou hast made me, contain Thee? or, because nothing which exists + could exist without Thee, doth therefore whatever exists contain Thee? + Since, then, I too exist, why do I seek that Thou shouldest enter into me, + who were not, wert Thou not in me? Why? because I am not gone down in + hell, and yet Thou art there also. For if I go down into hell, Thou art + there. I could not be then, O my God, could not be at all, wert Thou not + in me; or, rather, unless I were in Thee, of whom are all things, by whom + are all things, in whom are all things? Even so, Lord, even so. Whither do + I call Thee, since I am in Thee? or whence canst Thou enter into me? for + whither can I go beyond heaven and earth, that thence my God should come + into me, who hath said, I fill the heaven and the earth. + </p> + <p> + Do the heaven and earth then contain Thee, since Thou fillest them? or + dost Thou fill them and yet overflow, since they do not contain Thee? And + whither, when the heaven and the earth are filled, pourest Thou forth the + remainder of Thyself? or hast Thou no need that aught contain Thee, who + containest all things, since what Thou fillest Thou fillest by containing + it? for the vessels which Thou fillest uphold Thee not, since, though they + were broken, Thou wert not poured out. And when Thou art poured out on us, + Thou art not cast down, but Thou upliftest us; Thou art not dissipated, + but Thou gatherest us. But Thou who fillest all things, fillest Thou them + with Thy whole self? or, since all things cannot contain Thee wholly, do + they contain part of Thee? and all at once the same part? or each its own + part, the greater more, the smaller less? And is, then one part of Thee + greater, another less? or, art Thou wholly every where, while nothing + contains Thee wholly? + </p> + <p> + What art Thou then, my God? what, but the Lord God? For who is Lord but + the Lord? or who is God save our God? Most highest, most good, most + potent, most omnipotent; most merciful, yet most just; most hidden, yet + most present; most beautiful, yet most strong, stable, yet + incomprehensible; unchangeable, yet all-changing; never new, never old; + all-renewing, and bringing age upon the proud, and they know it not; ever + working, ever at rest; still gathering, yet nothing lacking; supporting, + filling, and overspreading; creating, nourishing, and maturing; seeking, + yet having all things. Thou lovest, without passion; art jealous, without + anxiety; repentest, yet grievest not; art angry, yet serene; changest Thy + works, Thy purpose unchanged; receivest again what Thou findest, yet didst + never lose; never in need, yet rejoicing in gains; never covetous, yet + exacting usury. Thou receivest over and above, that Thou mayest owe; and + who hath aught that is not Thine? Thou payest debts, owing nothing; + remittest debts, losing nothing. And what had I now said, my God, my life, + my holy joy? or what saith any man when he speaks of Thee? Yet woe to him + that speaketh not, since mute are even the most eloquent. + </p> + <p> + Oh! that I might repose on Thee! Oh! that Thou wouldest enter into my + heart, and inebriate it, that I may forget my ills, and embrace Thee, my + sole good! What art Thou to me? In Thy pity, teach me to utter it. Or what + am I to Thee that Thou demandest my love, and, if I give it not, art wroth + with me, and threatenest me with grievous woes? Is it then a slight woe to + love Thee not? Oh! for Thy mercies' sake, tell me, O Lord my God, what + Thou art unto me. Say unto my soul, I am thy salvation. So speak, that I + may hear. Behold, Lord, my heart is before Thee; open Thou the ears + thereof, and say unto my soul, I am thy salvation. After this voice let me + haste, and take hold on Thee. Hide not Thy face from me. Let me die—lest + I die—only let me see Thy face. + </p> + <p> + Narrow is the mansion of my soul; enlarge Thou it, that Thou mayest enter + in. It is ruinous; repair Thou it. It has that within which must offend + Thine eyes; I confess and know it. But who shall cleanse it? or to whom + should I cry, save Thee? Lord, cleanse me from my secret faults, and spare + Thy servant from the power of the enemy. I believe, and therefore do I + speak. Lord, Thou knowest. Have I not confessed against myself my + transgressions unto Thee, and Thou, my God, hast forgiven the iniquity of + my heart? I contend not in judgment with Thee, who art the truth; I fear + to deceive myself; lest mine iniquity lie unto itself. Therefore I contend + not in judgment with Thee; for if Thou, Lord, shouldest mark iniquities, O + Lord, who shall abide it? + </p> + <p> + Yet suffer me to speak unto Thy mercy, me, dust and ashes. Yet suffer me + to speak, since I speak to Thy mercy, and not to scornful man. Thou too, + perhaps, despisest me, yet wilt Thou return and have compassion upon me. + For what would I say, O Lord my God, but that I know not whence I came + into this dying life (shall I call it?) or living death. Then immediately + did the comforts of Thy compassion take me up, as I heard (for I remember + it not) from the parents of my flesh, out of whose substance Thou didst + sometime fashion me. Thus there received me the comforts of woman's milk. + For neither my mother nor my nurses stored their own breasts for me; but + Thou didst bestow the food of my infancy through them, according to Thine + ordinance, whereby Thou distributest Thy riches through the hidden springs + of all things. Thou also gavest me to desire no more than Thou gavest; and + to my nurses willingly to give me what Thou gavest them. For they, with a + heaven-taught affection, willingly gave me what they abounded with from + Thee. For this my good from them, was good for them. Nor, indeed, from + them was it, but through them; for from Thee, O God, are all good things, + and from my God is all my health. This I since learned, Thou, through + these Thy gifts, within me and without, proclaiming Thyself unto me. For + then I knew but to suck; to repose in what pleased, and cry at what + offended my flesh; nothing more. + </p> + <p> + Afterwards I began to smile; first in sleep, then waking: for so it was + told me of myself, and I believed it; for we see the like in other + infants, though of myself I remember it not. Thus, little by little, I + became conscious where I was; and to have a wish to express my wishes to + those who could content them, and I could not; for the wishes were within + me, and they without; nor could they by any sense of theirs enter within + my spirit. So I flung about at random limbs and voice, making the few + signs I could, and such as I could, like, though in truth very little + like, what I wished. And when I was not presently obeyed (my wishes being + hurtful or unintelligible), then I was indignant with my elders for not + submitting to me, with those owing me no service, for not serving me; and + avenged myself on them by tears. Such have I learnt infants to be from + observing them; and that I was myself such, they, all unconscious, have + shown me better than my nurses who knew it. + </p> + <p> + And, lo! my infancy died long since, and I live. But Thou, Lord, who for + ever livest, and in whom nothing dies: for before the foundation of the + worlds, and before all that can be called "before," Thou art, and art God + and Lord of all which Thou hast created: in Thee abide, fixed for ever, + the first causes of all things unabiding; and of all things changeable, + the springs abide in Thee unchangeable: and in Thee live the eternal + reasons of all things unreasoning and temporal. Say, Lord, to me, Thy + suppliant; say, all-pitying, to me, Thy pitiable one; say, did my infancy + succeed another age of mine that died before it? was it that which I spent + within my mother's womb? for of that I have heard somewhat, and have + myself seen women with child? and what before that life again, O God my + joy, was I any where or any body? For this have I none to tell me, neither + father nor mother, nor experience of others, nor mine own memory. Dost + Thou mock me for asking this, and bid me praise Thee and acknowledge Thee, + for that I do know? + </p> + <p> + I acknowledge Thee, Lord of heaven and earth, and praise Thee for my first + rudiments of being, and my infancy, whereof I remember nothing; for Thou + hast appointed that man should from others guess much as to himself; and + believe much on the strength of weak females. Even then I had being and + life, and (at my infancy's close) I could seek for signs whereby to make + known to others my sensations. Whence could such a being be, save from + Thee, Lord? Shall any be his own artificer? or can there elsewhere be + derived any vein, which may stream essence and life into us, save from + thee, O Lord, in whom essence and life are one? for Thou Thyself art + supremely Essence and Life. For Thou art most high, and art not changed, + neither in Thee doth to-day come to a close; yet in Thee doth it come to a + close; because all such things also are in Thee. For they had no way to + pass away, unless Thou upheldest them. And since Thy years fail not, Thy + years are one to-day. How many of ours and our fathers' years have flowed + away through Thy "to-day," and from it received the measure and the mould + of such being as they had; and still others shall flow away, and so + receive the mould of their degree of being. But Thou art still the same, + and all things of tomorrow, and all beyond, and all of yesterday, and all + behind it, Thou hast done to-day. What is it to me, though any comprehend + not this? Let him also rejoice and say, What thing is this? Let him + rejoice even thus! and be content rather by not discovering to discover + Thee, than by discovering not to discover Thee. + </p> + <p> + Hear, O God. Alas, for man's sin! So saith man, and Thou pitiest him; for + Thou madest him, but sin in him Thou madest not. Who remindeth me of the + sins of my infancy? for in Thy sight none is pure from sin, not even the + infant whose life is but a day upon the earth. Who remindeth me? doth not + each little infant, in whom I see what of myself I remember not? What then + was my sin? was it that I hung upon the breast and cried? for should I now + so do for food suitable to my age, justly should I be laughed at and + reproved. What I then did was worthy reproof; but since I could not + understand reproof, custom and reason forbade me to be reproved. For those + habits, when grown, we root out and cast away. Now no man, though he + prunes, wittingly casts away what is good. Or was it then good, even for a + while, to cry for what, if given, would hurt? bitterly to resent, that + persons free, and its own elders, yea, the very authors of its birth, + served it not? that many besides, wiser than it, obeyed not the nod of its + good pleasure? to do its best to strike and hurt, because commands were + not obeyed, which had been obeyed to its hurt? The weakness then of infant + limbs, not its will, is its innocence. Myself have seen and known even a + baby envious; it could not speak, yet it turned pale and looked bitterly + on its foster-brother. Who knows not this? Mothers and nurses tell you + that they allay these things by I know not what remedies. Is that too + innocence, when the fountain of milk is flowing in rich abundance, not to + endure one to share it, though in extremest need, and whose very life as + yet depends thereon? We bear gently with all this, not as being no or + slight evils, but because they will disappear as years increase; for, + though tolerated now, the very same tempers are utterly intolerable when + found in riper years. + </p> + <p> + Thou, then, O Lord my God, who gavest life to this my infancy, furnishing + thus with senses (as we see) the frame Thou gavest, compacting its limbs, + ornamenting its proportions, and, for its general good and safety, + implanting in it all vital functions, Thou commandest me to praise Thee in + these things, to confess unto Thee, and sing unto Thy name, Thou most + Highest. For Thou art God, Almighty and Good, even hadst Thou done nought + but only this, which none could do but Thou: whose Unity is the mould of + all things; who out of Thy own fairness makest all things fair; and + orderest all things by Thy law. This age then, Lord, whereof I have no + remembrance, which I take on others' word, and guess from other infants + that I have passed, true though the guess be, I am yet loth to count in + this life of mine which I live in this world. For no less than that which + I spent in my mother's womb, is it hid from me in the shadows of + forgetfulness. But if I was shapen in iniquity, and in sin did my mother + conceive me, where, I beseech Thee, O my God, where, Lord, or when, was I + Thy servant guiltless? But, lo! that period I pass by; and what have I now + to do with that, of which I can recall no vestige? + </p> + <p> + Passing hence from infancy, I came to boyhood, or rather it came to me, + displacing infancy. Nor did that depart,—(for whither went it?)—and + yet it was no more. For I was no longer a speechless infant, but a + speaking boy. This I remember; and have since observed how I learned to + speak. It was not that my elders taught me words (as, soon after, other + learning) in any set method; but I, longing by cries and broken accents + and various motions of my limbs to express my thoughts, that so I might + have my will, and yet unable to express all I willed, or to whom I willed, + did myself, by the understanding which Thou, my God, gavest me, practise + the sounds in my memory. When they named any thing, and as they spoke + turned towards it, I saw and remembered that they called what they would + point out by the name they uttered. And that they meant this thing and no + other was plain from the motion of their body, the natural language, as it + were, of all nations, expressed by the countenance, glances of the eye, + gestures of the limbs, and tones of the voice, indicating the affections + of the mind, as it pursues, possesses, rejects, or shuns. And thus by + constantly hearing words, as they occurred in various sentences, I + collected gradually for what they stood; and having broken in my mouth to + these signs, I thereby gave utterance to my will. Thus I exchanged with + those about me these current signs of our wills, and so launched deeper + into the stormy intercourse of human life, yet depending on parental + authority and the beck of elders. + </p> + <p> + O God my God, what miseries and mockeries did I now experience, when + obedience to my teachers was proposed to me, as proper in a boy, in order + that in this world I might prosper, and excel in tongue-science, which + should serve to the "praise of men," and to deceitful riches. Next I was + put to school to get learning, in which I (poor wretch) knew not what use + there was; and yet, if idle in learning, I was beaten. For this was judged + right by our forefathers; and many, passing the same course before us, + framed for us weary paths, through which we were fain to pass; multiplying + toil and grief upon the sons of Adam. But, Lord, we found that men called + upon Thee, and we learnt from them to think of Thee (according to our + powers) as of some great One, who, though hidden from our senses, couldest + hear and help us. For so I began, as a boy, to pray to Thee, my aid and + refuge; and broke the fetters of my tongue to call on Thee, praying Thee, + though small, yet with no small earnestness, that I might not be beaten at + school. And when Thou heardest me not (not thereby giving me over to + folly), my elders, yea my very parents, who yet wished me no ill, mocked + my stripes, my then great and grievous ill. + </p> + <p> + Is there, Lord, any of soul so great, and cleaving to Thee with so intense + affection (for a sort of stupidity will in a way do it); but is there any + one who, from cleaving devoutly to Thee, is endued with so great a spirit, + that he can think as lightly of the racks and hooks and other torments + (against which, throughout all lands, men call on Thee with extreme + dread), mocking at those by whom they are feared most bitterly, as our + parents mocked the torments which we suffered in boyhood from our masters? + For we feared not our torments less; nor prayed we less to Thee to escape + them. And yet we sinned, in writing or reading or studying less than was + exacted of us. For we wanted not, O Lord, memory or capacity, whereof Thy + will gave enough for our age; but our sole delight was play; and for this + we were punished by those who yet themselves were doing the like. But + elder folks' idleness is called "business"; that of boys, being really the + same, is punished by those elders; and none commiserates either boys or + men. For will any of sound discretion approve of my being beaten as a boy, + because, by playing a ball, I made less progress in studies which I was to + learn, only that, as a man, I might play more unbeseemingly? and what else + did he who beat me? who, if worsted in some trifling discussion with his + fellow-tutor, was more embittered and jealous than I when beaten at ball + by a play-fellow? + </p> + <p> +And yet, I sinned herein, O Lord God, the Creator and Disposer of all +things in nature, of sin the Disposer only, O Lord my God, I sinned in +transgressing the commands of my parents and those of my masters. For +what they, with whatever motive, would have me learn, I might afterwards +have put to good use. For I disobeyed, not from a better choice, but +from love of play, loving the pride of victory in my contests, and to +have my ears tickled with lying fables, that they might itch the more; +the same curiosity flashing from my eyes more and more, for the shows +and games of my elders. Yet those who give these shows are in such +esteem, that almost all wish the same for their children, and yet are +very willing that they should be beaten, if those very games detain them +from the studies, whereby they would have them attain to be the givers +of them. Look with pity, Lord, on these things, and deliver us who call +upon Thee now; deliver those too who call not on Thee yet, that they may +call on Thee, and Thou mayest deliver them. + </p> + <p> +As a boy, then, I had already heard of an eternal life, promised +us through the humility of the Lord our God stooping to our pride; and +even from the womb of my mother, who greatly hoped in Thee, I was sealed +with the mark of His cross and salted with His salt. Thou sawest, Lord, +how while yet a boy, being seized on a time with sudden oppression of +the stomach, and like near to death—Thou sawest, my God (for Thou wert +my keeper), with what eagerness and what faith I sought, from the pious +care of my mother and Thy Church, the mother of us all, the baptism of +Thy Christ, my God and Lord. Whereupon the mother of my flesh, being +much troubled (since, with a heart pure in Thy faith, she even more +lovingly travailed in birth of my salvation), would in eager haste +have provided for my consecration and cleansing by the health-giving +sacraments, confessing Thee, Lord Jesus, for the remission of sins, +unless I had suddenly recovered. And so, as if I must needs be +again polluted should I live, my cleansing was deferred, because the +defilements of sin would, after that washing, bring greater and more +perilous guilt. I then already believed: and my mother, and the whole +household, except my father: yet did not he prevail over the power of my +mother's piety in me, that as he did not yet believe, so neither +should I. For it was her earnest care that Thou my God, rather than he, +shouldest be my father; and in this Thou didst aid her to prevail over +her husband, whom she, the better, obeyed, therein also obeying Thee, +who hast so commanded. + </p> + <p> +I beseech Thee, my God, I would fain know, if so Thou willest, for +what purpose my baptism was then deferred? was it for my good that the +rein was laid loose, as it were, upon me, for me to sin? or was it not +laid loose? If not, why does it still echo in our ears on all sides, +"Let him alone, let him do as he will, for he is not yet baptised?" but +as to bodily health, no one says, "Let him be worse wounded, for he is +not yet healed." How much better then, had I been at once healed; and +then, by my friends' and my own, my soul's recovered health had been +kept safe in Thy keeping who gavest it. Better truly. But how many and +great waves of temptation seemed to hang over me after my boyhood! These +my mother foresaw; and preferred to expose to them the clay whence I +might afterwards be moulded, than the very cast, when made. + </p> + <p> +In boyhood itself, however (so much less dreaded for me than youth), +I loved not study, and hated to be forced to it. Yet I was forced; and +this was well done towards me, but I did not well; for, unless forced, I +had not learnt. But no one doth well against his will, even though what +he doth, be well. Yet neither did they well who forced me, but what was +well came to me from Thee, my God. For they were regardless how I should +employ what they forced me to learn, except to satiate the insatiate +desires of a wealthy beggary, and a shameful glory. But Thou, by whom +the very hairs of our head are numbered, didst use for my good the error +of all who urged me to learn; and my own, who would not learn, Thou +didst use for my punishment—a fit penalty for one, so small a boy and +so great a sinner. So by those who did not well, Thou didst well for me; +and by my own sin Thou didst justly punish me. For Thou hast commanded, +and so it is, that every inordinate affection should be its own +punishment. +</p> + <p> + But why did I so much hate the Greek, which I studied as a boy? I do not + yet fully know. For the Latin I loved; not what my first masters, but what + the so-called grammarians taught me. For those first lessons, reading, + writing and arithmetic, I thought as great a burden and penalty as any + Greek. And yet whence was this too, but from the sin and vanity of this + life, because I was flesh, and a breath that passeth away and cometh not + again? For those first lessons were better certainly, because more + certain; by them I obtained, and still retain, the power of reading what I + find written, and myself writing what I will; whereas in the others, I was + forced to learn the wanderings of one Æneas, forgetful of my own, and to + weep for dead Dido, because she killed herself for love; the while, with + dry eyes, I endured my miserable self dying among these things, far from + Thee, O God my life. + </p> + <p> + For what more miserable than a miserable being who commiserates not + himself; weeping the death of Dido for love to Æneas, but weeping not his + own death for want of love to Thee, O God. Thou light of my heart, Thou + bread of my inmost soul, Thou Power who givest vigour to my mind, who + quickenest my thoughts, I loved Thee not. I committed fornication against + Thee, and all around me thus fornicating there echoed "Well done! well + done!" for the friendship of this world is fornication against Thee; and + "Well done! well done!" echoes on till one is ashamed not to be thus a + man. And for all this I wept not, I who wept for Dido slain, and "seeking + by the sword a stroke and wound extreme," myself seeking the while a worse + extreme, the extremest and lowest of Thy creatures, having forsaken Thee, + earth passing into the earth. And if forbid to read all this, I was + grieved that I might not read what grieved me. Madness like this is + thought a higher and a richer learning, than that by which I learned to + read and write. + </p> + <p> + But now, my God, cry Thou aloud in my soul; and let Thy truth tell me, + "Not so, not so. Far better was that first study." For, lo, I would + readily forget the wanderings of Æneas and all the rest, rather than how + to read and write. But over the entrance of the Grammar School is a vail + drawn! true; yet is this not so much an emblem of aught recondite, as a + cloak of error. Let not those, whom I no longer fear, cry out against me, + while I confess to Thee, my God, whatever my soul will, and acquiesce in + the condemnation of my evil ways, that I may love Thy good ways. Let not + either buyers or sellers of grammar-learning cry out against me. For if I + question them whether it be true that Æneas came on a time to Carthage, + as the poet tells, the less learned will reply that they know not, the + more learned that he never did. But should I ask with what letters the + name "Æneas" is written, every one who has learnt this will answer me + aright, as to the signs which men have conventionally settled. If, again, + I should ask which might be forgotten with least detriment to the concerns + of life, reading and writing or these poetic fictions? who does not + foresee what all must answer who have not wholly forgotten themselves? I + sinned, then, when as a boy I preferred those empty to those more + profitable studies, or rather loved the one and hated the other. "One and + one, two"; "two and two, four"; this was to me a hateful singsong: "the + wooden horse lined with armed men," and "the burning of Troy," and + "Creusa's shade and sad similitude," were the choice spectacle of my + vanity. + </p> + <p> + Why then did I hate the Greek classics, which have the like tales? For + Homer also curiously wove the like fictions, and is most sweetly-vain, yet + was he bitter to my boyish taste. And so I suppose would Virgil be to + Grecian children, when forced to learn him as I was Homer. Difficulty, in + truth, the difficulty of a foreign tongue, dashed, as it were, with gall + all the sweetness of Grecian fable. For not one word of it did I + understand, and to make me understand I was urged vehemently with cruel + threats and punishments. Time was also (as an infant) I knew no Latin; but + this I learned without fear or suffering, by mere observation, amid the + caresses of my nursery and jests of friends, smiling and sportively + encouraging me. This I learned without any pressure of punishment to urge + me on, for my heart urged me to give birth to its conceptions, which I + could only do by learning words not of those who taught, but of those who + talked with me; in whose ears also I gave birth to the thoughts, whatever + I conceived. No doubt, then, that a free curiosity has more force in our + learning these things, than a frightful enforcement. Only this enforcement + restrains the rovings of that freedom, through Thy laws, O my God, Thy + laws, from the master's cane to the martyr's trials, being able to temper + for us a wholesome bitter, recalling us to Thyself from that deadly + pleasure which lures us from Thee. + </p> + <p> + Hear, Lord, my prayer; let not my soul faint under Thy discipline, nor let + me faint in confessing unto Thee all Thy mercies, whereby Thou hast drawn + me out of all my most evil ways, that Thou mightest become a delight to me + above all the allurements which I once pursued; that I may most entirely + love Thee, and clasp Thy hand with all my affections, and Thou mayest yet + rescue me from every temptation, even unto the end. For lo, O Lord, my + King and my God, for Thy service be whatever useful thing my childhood + learned; for Thy service, that I speak, write, read, reckon. For Thou + didst grant me Thy discipline, while I was learning vanities; and my sin + of delighting in those vanities Thou hast forgiven. In them, indeed, I + learnt many a useful word, but these may as well be learned in things not + vain; and that is the safe path for the steps of youth. + </p> + <p> + But woe is thee, thou torrent of human custom! Who shall stand against + thee? how long shalt thou not be dried up? how long roll the sons of Eve + into that huge and hideous ocean, which even they scarcely overpass who + climb the cross? Did not I read in thee of Jove the thunderer and the + adulterer? both, doubtless, he could not be; but so the feigned thunder + might countenance and pander to real adultery. And now which of our gowned + masters lends a sober ear to one who from their own school cries out, + "These were Homer's fictions, transferring things human to the gods; would + he had brought down things divine to us!" Yet more truly had he said, + "These are indeed his fictions; but attributing a divine nature to wicked + men, that crimes might be no longer crimes, and whoso commits them might + seem to imitate not abandoned men, but the celestial gods." + </p> + <p> + And yet, thou hellish torrent, into thee are cast the sons of men with + rich rewards, for compassing such learning; and a great solemnity is made + of it, when this is going on in the forum, within sight of laws appointing + a salary beside the scholar's payments; and thou lashest thy rocks and + roarest, "Hence words are learnt; hence eloquence; most necessary to gain + your ends, or maintain opinions." As if we should have never known such + words as "golden shower," "lap," "beguile," "temples of the heavens," or + others in that passage, unless Terence had brought a lewd youth upon the + stage, setting up Jupiter as his example of seduction. + </p> + +<p class="poem"> + "Viewing a picture, where the tale was drawn,<br/> + Of Jove's descending in a golden shower<br/> + To Danae's lap a woman to beguile." +</p> + +<p class="noindent"> + And then mark how he excites himself to lust as by celestial authority: + </p> + +<p class="poem"> + "And what God? Great Jove,<br/> + Who shakes heaven's highest temples with his thunder,<br/> + And I, poor mortal man, not do the same!<br/> + I did it, and with all my heart I did it." +</p> + +<p class="noindent"> + Not one whit more easily are the words learnt for all this vileness; but + by their means the vileness is committed with less shame. Not that I blame + the words, being, as it were, choice and precious vessels; but that wine + of error which is drunk to us in them by intoxicated teachers; and if we, + too, drink not, we are beaten, and have no sober judge to whom we may + appeal. Yet, O my God (in whose presence I now without hurt may remember + this), all this unhappily I learnt willingly with great delight, and for + this was pronounced a hopeful boy. + </p> + <p> + Bear with me, my God, while I say somewhat of my wit, Thy gift, and on + what dotages I wasted it. For a task was set me, troublesome enough to my + soul, upon terms of praise or shame, and fear of stripes, to speak the + words of Juno, as she raged and mourned that she could not + </p> + +<p class="poem"> + "This Trojan prince from Latinum turn." +</p> + +<p class="noindent"> + Which words I had heard that Juno never uttered; but we were forced to go + astray in the footsteps of these poetic fictions, and to say in prose much + what he expressed in verse. And his speaking was most applauded, in whom + the passions of rage and grief were most preeminent, and clothed in the + most fitting language, maintaining the dignity of the character. What is + it to me, O my true life, my God, that my declamation was applauded above + so many of my own age and class? is not all this smoke and wind? and was + there nothing else whereon to exercise my wit and tongue? Thy praises, + Lord, Thy praises might have stayed the yet tender shoot of my heart by + the prop of Thy Scriptures; so had it not trailed away amid these empty + trifles, a defiled prey for the fowls of the air. For in more ways than + one do men sacrifice to the rebellious angels. + </p> + <p> + But what marvel that I was thus carried away to vanities, and went out + from Thy presence, O my God, when men were set before me as models, who, + if in relating some action of theirs, in itself not ill, they committed + some barbarism or solecism, being censured, were abashed; but when in rich + and adorned and well-ordered discourse they related their own disordered + life, being bepraised, they gloried? These things Thou seest, Lord, and + holdest Thy peace; long-suffering, and plenteous in mercy and truth. Wilt + Thou hold Thy peace for ever? and even now Thou drawest out of this + horrible gulf the soul that seeketh Thee, that thirsteth for Thy + pleasures, whose heart saith unto Thee, I have sought Thy face; Thy face, + Lord, will I seek. For darkened affections is removal from Thee. For it is + not by our feet, or change of place, that men leave Thee, or return unto + Thee. Or did that Thy younger son look out for horses or chariots, or + ships, fly with visible wings, or journey by the motion of his limbs, that + he might in a far country waste in riotous living all Thou gavest at his + departure? a loving Father, when Thou gavest, and more loving unto him, + when he returned empty. So then in lustful, that is, in darkened + affections, is the true distance from Thy face. + </p> + <p> + Behold, O Lord God, yea, behold patiently as Thou art wont how carefully + the sons of men observe the covenanted rules of letters and syllables + received from those who spake before them, neglecting the eternal covenant + of everlasting salvation received from Thee. Insomuch, that a teacher or + learner of the hereditary laws of pronunciation will more offend men by + speaking without the aspirate, of a "uman being," in despite of the laws + of grammar, than if he, a "human being," hate a "human being" in despite + of Thine. As if any enemy could be more hurtful than the hatred with which + he is incensed against him; or could wound more deeply him whom he + persecutes, than he wounds his own soul by his enmity. Assuredly no + science of letters can be so innate as the record of conscience, "that he + is doing to another what from another he would be loth to suffer." How + deep are Thy ways, O God, Thou only great, that sittest silent on high and + by an unwearied law dispensing penal blindness to lawless desires. In + quest of the fame of eloquence, a man standing before a human judge, + surrounded by a human throng, declaiming against his enemy with fiercest + hatred, will take heed most watchfully, lest, by an error of the tongue, + he murder the word "human being"; but takes no heed, lest, through the + fury of his spirit, he murder the real human being. + </p> + <p> + This was the world at whose gate unhappy I lay in my boyhood; this the + stage where I had feared more to commit a barbarism, than having committed + one, to envy those who had not. These things I speak and confess to Thee, + my God; for which I had praise from them, whom I then thought it all + virtue to please. For I saw not the abyss of vileness, wherein I was cast + away from Thine eyes. Before them what more foul than I was already, + displeasing even such as myself? with innumerable lies deceiving my tutor, + my masters, my parents, from love of play, eagerness to see vain shows and + restlessness to imitate them! Thefts also I committed, from my parents' + cellar and table, enslaved by greediness, or that I might have to give to + boys, who sold me their play, which all the while they liked no less than + I. In this play, too, I often sought unfair conquests, conquered myself + meanwhile by vain desire of preeminence. And what could I so ill endure, + or, when I detected it, upbraided I so fiercely, as that I was doing to + others? and for which if, detected, I was upbraided, I chose rather to + quarrel than to yield. And is this the innocence of boyhood? Not so, Lord, + not so; I cry Thy mercy, my God. For these very sins, as riper years + succeed, these very sins are transferred from tutors and masters, from + nuts and balls and sparrows, to magistrates and kings, to gold and manors + and slaves, just as severer punishments displace the cane. It was the low + stature then of childhood which Thou our King didst commend as an emblem + of lowliness, when Thou saidst, Of such is the kingdom of heaven. + </p> + <p> + Yet, Lord, to Thee, the Creator and Governor of the universe, most + excellent and most good, thanks were due to Thee our God, even hadst Thou + destined for me boyhood only. For even then I was, I lived, and felt; and + had an implanted providence over my well-being—a trace of that + mysterious Unity whence I was derived; I guarded by the inward sense the + entireness of my senses, and in these minute pursuits, and in my thoughts + on things minute, I learnt to delight in truth, I hated to be deceived, + had a vigorous memory, was gifted with speech, was soothed by friendship, + avoided pain, baseness, ignorance. In so small a creature, what was not + wonderful, not admirable? But all are gifts of my God: it was not I who + gave them me; and good these are, and these together are myself. Good, + then, is He that made me, and He is my good; and before Him will I exult + for every good which of a boy I had. For it was my sin, that not in Him, + but in His creatures—myself and others—I sought for pleasures, + sublimities, truths, and so fell headlong into sorrows, confusions, + errors. Thanks be to Thee, my joy and my glory and my confidence, my God, + thanks be to Thee for Thy gifts; but do Thou preserve them to me. For so + wilt Thou preserve me, and those things shall be enlarged and perfected + which Thou hast given me, and I myself shall be with Thee, since even to + be Thou hast given me. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"></a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOOK II + </h2> + <p> + I will now call to mind my past foulness, and the carnal corruptions of my + soul; not because I love them, but that I may love Thee, O my God. For + love of Thy love I do it; reviewing my most wicked ways in the very + bitterness of my remembrance, that Thou mayest grow sweet unto me (Thou + sweetness never failing, Thou blissful and assured sweetness); and + gathering me again out of that my dissipation, wherein I was torn + piecemeal, while turned from Thee, the One Good, I lost myself among a + multiplicity of things. For I even burnt in my youth heretofore, to be + satiated in things below; and I dared to grow wild again, with these + various and shadowy loves: my beauty consumed away, and I stank in Thine + eyes; pleasing myself, and desirous to please in the eyes of men. + </p> + <p> + And what was it that I delighted in, but to love, and be loved? but I kept + not the measure of love, of mind to mind, friendship's bright boundary: + but out of the muddy concupiscence of the flesh, and the bubblings of + youth, mists fumed up which beclouded and overcast my heart, that I could + not discern the clear brightness of love from the fog of lustfulness. Both + did confusedly boil in me, and hurried my unstayed youth over the + precipice of unholy desires, and sunk me in a gulf of flagitiousnesses. + Thy wrath had gathered over me, and I knew it not. I was grown deaf by the + clanking of the chain of my mortality, the punishment of the pride of my + soul, and I strayed further from Thee, and Thou lettest me alone, and I + was tossed about, and wasted, and dissipated, and I boiled over in my + fornications, and Thou heldest Thy peace, O Thou my tardy joy! Thou then + heldest Thy peace, and I wandered further and further from Thee, into more + and more fruitless seed-plots of sorrows, with a proud dejectedness, and a + restless weariness. + </p> + <p> + Oh! that some one had then attempered my disorder, and turned to account + the fleeting beauties of these, the extreme points of Thy creation! had + put a bound to their pleasureableness, that so the tides of my youth might + have cast themselves upon the marriage shore, if they could not be calmed, + and kept within the object of a family, as Thy law prescribes, O Lord: who + this way formest the offspring of this our death, being able with a gentle + hand to blunt the thorns which were excluded from Thy paradise? For Thy + omnipotency is not far from us, even when we be far from Thee. Else ought + I more watchfully to have heeded the voice from the clouds: Nevertheless + such shall have trouble in the flesh, but I spare you. And it is good for + a man not to touch a woman. And, he that is unmarried thinketh of the + things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; but he that is married + careth for the things of this world, how he may please his wife. + </p> + <p> + To these words I should have listened more attentively, and being severed + for the kingdom of heaven's sake, had more happily awaited Thy embraces; + but I, poor wretch, foamed like a troubled sea, following the rushing of + my own tide, forsaking Thee, and exceeded all Thy limits; yet I escaped + not Thy scourges. For what mortal can? For Thou wert ever with me + mercifully rigorous, and besprinkling with most bitter alloy all my + unlawful pleasures: that I might seek pleasures without alloy. But where + to find such, I could not discover, save in Thee, O Lord, who teachest by + sorrow, and woundest us, to heal; and killest us, lest we die from Thee. + Where was I, and how far was I exiled from the delights of Thy house, in + that sixteenth year of the age of my flesh, when the madness of lust (to + which human shamelessness giveth free licence, though unlicensed by Thy + laws) took the rule over me, and I resigned myself wholly to it? My + friends meanwhile took no care by marriage to save my fall; their only + care was that I should learn to speak excellently, and be a persuasive + orator. + </p> + <p> + For that year were my studies intermitted: whilst after my return from + Madaura (a neighbour city, whither I had journeyed to learn grammar and + rhetoric), the expenses for a further journey to Carthage were being + provided for me; and that rather by the resolution than the means of my + father, who was but a poor freeman of Thagaste. To whom tell I this? not + to Thee, my God; but before Thee to mine own kind, even to that small + portion of mankind as may light upon these writings of mine. And to what + purpose? that whosoever reads this, may think out of what depths we are to + cry unto Thee. For what is nearer to Thine ears than a confessing heart, + and a life of faith? Who did not extol my father, for that beyond the + ability of his means, he would furnish his son with all necessaries for a + far journey for his studies' sake? For many far abler citizens did no such + thing for their children. But yet this same father had no concern how I + grew towards Thee, or how chaste I were; so that I were but copious in + speech, however barren I were to Thy culture, O God, who art the only true + and good Lord of Thy field, my heart. + </p> + <p> + But while in that my sixteenth year I lived with my parents, leaving all + school for a while (a season of idleness being interposed through the + narrowness of my parents' fortunes), the briers of unclean desires grew + rank over my head, and there was no hand to root them out. When that my + father saw me at the baths, now growing towards manhood, and endued with a + restless youthfulness, he, as already hence anticipating his descendants, + gladly told it to my mother; rejoicing in that tumult of the senses + wherein the world forgetteth Thee its Creator, and becometh enamoured of + Thy creature, instead of Thyself, through the fumes of that invisible wine + of its self-will, turning aside and bowing down to the very basest things. + But in my mother's breast Thou hadst already begun Thy temple, and the + foundation of Thy holy habitation, whereas my father was as yet but a + Catechumen, and that but recently. She then was startled with a holy fear + and trembling; and though I was not as yet baptised, feared for me those + crooked ways in which they walk who turn their back to Thee, and not their + face. + </p> + <p> + Woe is me! and dare I say that Thou heldest Thy peace, O my God, while I + wandered further from Thee? Didst Thou then indeed hold Thy peace to me? + And whose but Thine were these words which by my mother, Thy faithful one, + Thou sangest in my ears? Nothing whereof sunk into my heart, so as to do + it. For she wished, and I remember in private with great anxiety warned + me, "not to commit fornication; but especially never to defile another + man's wife." These seemed to me womanish advices, which I should blush to + obey. But they were Thine, and I knew it not: and I thought Thou wert + silent and that it was she who spake; by whom Thou wert not silent unto + me; and in her wast despised by me, her son, the son of Thy handmaid, Thy + servant. But I knew it not; and ran headlong with such blindness, that + amongst my equals I was ashamed of a less shamelessness, when I heard them + boast of their flagitiousness, yea, and the more boasting, the more they + were degraded: and I took pleasure, not only in the pleasure of the deed, + but in the praise. What is worthy of dispraise but vice? But I made myself + worse than I was, that I might not be dispraised; and when in any thing I + had not sinned as the abandoned ones, I would say that I had done what I + had not done, that I might not seem contemptible in proportion as I was + innocent; or of less account, the more chaste. + </p> + <p> + Behold with what companions I walked the streets of Babylon, and wallowed + in the mire thereof, as if in a bed of spices and precious ointments. And + that I might cleave the faster to its very centre, the invisible enemy + trod me down, and seduced me, for that I was easy to be seduced. Neither + did the mother of my flesh (who had now fled out of the centre of Babylon, + yet went more slowly in the skirts thereof as she advised me to chastity, + so heed what she had heard of me from her husband, as to restrain within + the bounds of conjugal affection, if it could not be pared away to the + quick) what she felt to be pestilent at present and for the future + dangerous. She heeded not this, for she feared lest a wife should prove a + clog and hindrance to my hopes. Not those hopes of the world to come, + which my mother reposed in Thee; but the hope of learning, which both my + parents were too desirous I should attain; my father, because he had next + to no thought of Thee, and of me but vain conceits; my mother, because she + accounted that those usual courses of learning would not only be no + hindrance, but even some furtherance towards attaining Thee. For thus I + conjecture, recalling, as well as I may, the disposition of my parents. + The reins, meantime, were slackened to me, beyond all temper of due + severity, to spend my time in sport, yea, even unto dissoluteness in + whatsoever I affected. And in all was a mist, intercepting from me, O my + God, the brightness of Thy truth; and mine iniquity burst out as from very + fatness. + </p> + <p> + Theft is punished by Thy law, O Lord, and the law written in the hearts of + men, which iniquity itself effaces not. For what thief will abide a thief? + not even a rich thief, one stealing through want. Yet I lusted to thieve, + and did it, compelled by no hunger, nor poverty, but through a cloyedness + of well-doing, and a pamperedness of iniquity. For I stole that, of which + I had enough, and much better. Nor cared I to enjoy what I stole, but + joyed in the theft and sin itself. A pear tree there was near our + vineyard, laden with fruit, tempting neither for colour nor taste. To + shake and rob this, some lewd young fellows of us went, late one night + (having according to our pestilent custom prolonged our sports in the + streets till then), and took huge loads, not for our eating, but to fling + to the very hogs, having only tasted them. And this, but to do what we + liked only, because it was misliked. Behold my heart, O God, behold my + heart, which Thou hadst pity upon in the bottom of the bottomless pit. + Now, behold, let my heart tell Thee what it sought there, that I should be + gratuitously evil, having no temptation to ill, but the ill itself. It was + foul, and I loved it; I loved to perish, I loved mine own fault, not that + for which I was faulty, but my fault itself. Foul soul, falling from Thy + firmament to utter destruction; not seeking aught through the shame, but + the shame itself! + </p> + <p> + For there is an attractiveness in beautiful bodies, in gold and silver, + and all things; and in bodily touch, sympathy hath much influence, and + each other sense hath his proper object answerably tempered. Worldy honour + hath also its grace, and the power of overcoming, and of mastery; whence + springs also the thirst of revenge. But yet, to obtain all these, we may + not depart from Thee, O Lord, nor decline from Thy law. The life also + which here we live hath its own enchantment, through a certain proportion + of its own, and a correspondence with all things beautiful here below. + Human friendship also is endeared with a sweet tie, by reason of the unity + formed of many souls. Upon occasion of all these, and the like, is sin + committed, while through an immoderate inclination towards these goods of + the lowest order, the better and higher are forsaken,—Thou, our Lord + God, Thy truth, and Thy law. For these lower things have their delights, + but not like my God, who made all things; for in Him doth the righteous + delight, and He is the joy of the upright in heart. + </p> + <p> + When, then, we ask why a crime was done, we believe it not, unless it + appear that there might have been some desire of obtaining some of those + which we called lower goods, or a fear of losing them. For they are + beautiful and comely; although compared with those higher and beatific + goods, they be abject and low. A man hath murdered another; why? he loved + his wife or his estate; or would rob for his own livelihood; or feared to + lose some such things by him; or, wronged, was on fire to be revenged. + Would any commit murder upon no cause, delighted simply in murdering? who + would believe it? for as for that furious and savage man, of whom it is + said that he was gratuitously evil and cruel, yet is the cause assigned; + "lest" (saith he) "through idleness hand or heart should grow inactive." + And to what end? that, through that practice of guilt, he might, having + taken the city, attain to honours, empire, riches, and be freed from fear + of the laws, and his embarrassments from domestic needs, and consciousness + of villainies. So then, not even Catiline himself loved his own + villainies, but something else, for whose sake he did them. + </p> + <p> + What then did wretched I so love in thee, thou theft of mine, thou deed of + darkness, in that sixteenth year of my age? Lovely thou wert not, because + thou wert theft. But art thou any thing, that thus I speak to thee? Fair + were the pears we stole, because they were Thy creation, Thou fairest of + all, Creator of all, Thou good God; God, the sovereign good and my true + good. Fair were those pears, but not them did my wretched soul desire; for + I had store of better, and those I gathered, only that I might steal. For, + when gathered, I flung them away, my only feast therein being my own sin, + which I was pleased to enjoy. For if aught of those pears came within my + mouth, what sweetened it was the sin. And now, O Lord my God, I enquire + what in that theft delighted me; and behold it hath no loveliness; I mean + not such loveliness as in justice and wisdom; nor such as is in the mind + and memory, and senses, and animal life of man; nor yet as the stars are + glorious and beautiful in their orbs; or the earth, or sea, full of + embryo-life, replacing by its birth that which decayeth; nay, nor even + that false and shadowy beauty which belongeth to deceiving vices. + </p> + <p> + For so doth pride imitate exaltedness; whereas Thou alone art God exalted + over all. Ambition, what seeks it, but honours and glory? whereas Thou + alone art to be honoured above all, and glorious for evermore. The cruelty + of the great would fain be feared; but who is to be feared but God alone, + out of whose power what can be wrested or withdrawn? when, or where, or + whither, or by whom? The tendernesses of the wanton would fain be counted + love: yet is nothing more tender than Thy charity; nor is aught loved more + healthfully than that Thy truth, bright and beautiful above all. Curiosity + makes semblance of a desire of knowledge; whereas Thou supremely knowest + all. Yea, ignorance and foolishness itself is cloaked under the name of + simplicity and uninjuriousness; because nothing is found more single than + Thee: and what less injurious, since they are his own works which injure + the sinner? Yea, sloth would fain be at rest; but what stable rest besides + the Lord? Luxury affects to be called plenty and abundance; but Thou art + the fulness and never-failing plenteousness of incorruptible pleasures. + Prodigality presents a shadow of liberality: but Thou art the most + overflowing Giver of all good. Covetousness would possess many things; and + Thou possessest all things. Envy disputes for excellency: what more + excellent than Thou? Anger seeks revenge: who revenges more justly than + Thou? Fear startles at things unwonted and sudden, which endangers things + beloved, and takes forethought for their safety; but to Thee what unwonted + or sudden, or who separateth from Thee what Thou lovest? Or where but with + Thee is unshaken safety? Grief pines away for things lost, the delight of + its desires; because it would have nothing taken from it, as nothing can + from Thee. + </p> + <p> + Thus doth the soul commit fornication, when she turns from Thee, seeking + without Thee, what she findeth not pure and untainted, till she returns to + Thee. Thus all pervertedly imitate Thee, who remove far from Thee, and + lift themselves up against Thee. But even by thus imitating Thee, they + imply Thee to be the Creator of all nature; whence there is no place + whither altogether to retire from Thee. What then did I love in that + theft? and wherein did I even corruptly and pervertedly imitate my Lord? + Did I wish even by stealth to do contrary to Thy law, because by power I + could not, so that being a prisoner, I might mimic a maimed liberty by + doing with impunity things unpermitted me, a darkened likeness of Thy + Omnipotency? Behold, Thy servant, fleeing from his Lord, and obtaining a + shadow. O rottenness, O monstrousness of life, and depth of death! could I + like what I might not, only because I might not? + </p> + <p> + What shall I render unto the Lord, that, whilst my memory recalls these + things, my soul is not affrighted at them? I will love Thee, O Lord, and + thank Thee, and confess unto Thy name; because Thou hast forgiven me these + so great and heinous deeds of mine. To Thy grace I ascribe it, and to Thy + mercy, that Thou hast melted away my sins as it were ice. To Thy grace I + ascribe also whatsoever I have not done of evil; for what might I not have + done, who even loved a sin for its own sake? Yea, all I confess to have + been forgiven me; both what evils I committed by my own wilfulness, and + what by Thy guidance I committed not. What man is he, who, weighing his + own infirmity, dares to ascribe his purity and innocency to his own + strength; that so he should love Thee the less, as if he had less needed + Thy mercy, whereby Thou remittest sins to those that turn to Thee? For + whosoever, called by Thee, followed Thy voice, and avoided those things + which he reads me recalling and confessing of myself, let him not scorn + me, who being sick, was cured by that Physician, through whose aid it was + that he was not, or rather was less, sick: and for this let him love Thee + as much, yea and more; since by whom he sees me to have been recovered + from such deep consumption of sin, by Him he sees himself to have been + from the like consumption of sin preserved. + </p> + <p> + What fruit had I then (wretched man!) in those things, of the remembrance + whereof I am now ashamed? Especially, in that theft which I loved for the + theft's sake; and it too was nothing, and therefore the more miserable I, + who loved it. Yet alone I had not done it: such was I then, I remember, + alone I had never done it. I loved then in it also the company of the + accomplices, with whom I did it? I did not then love nothing else but the + theft, yea rather I did love nothing else; for that circumstance of the + company was also nothing. What is, in truth? who can teach me, save He + that enlighteneth my heart, and discovereth its dark corners? What is it + which hath come into my mind to enquire, and discuss, and consider? For + had I then loved the pears I stole, and wished to enjoy them, I might have + done it alone, had the bare commission of the theft sufficed to attain my + pleasure; nor needed I have inflamed the itching of my desires by the + excitement of accomplices. But since my pleasure was not in those pears, + it was in the offence itself, which the company of fellow-sinners + occasioned. + </p> + <p> + What then was this feeling? For of a truth it was too foul: and woe was + me, who had it. But yet what was it? Who can understand his errors? It was + the sport, which as it were tickled our hearts, that we beguiled those who + little thought what we were doing, and much disliked it. Why then was my + delight of such sort that I did it not alone? Because none doth ordinarily + laugh alone? ordinarily no one; yet laughter sometimes masters men alone + and singly when no one whatever is with them, if anything very ludicrous + presents itself to their senses or mind. Yet I had not done this alone; + alone I had never done it. Behold my God, before Thee, the vivid + remembrance of my soul; alone, I had never committed that theft wherein + what I stole pleased me not, but that I stole; nor had it alone liked me + to do it, nor had I done it. O friendship too unfriendly! thou + incomprehensible inveigler of the soul, thou greediness to do mischief out + of mirth and wantonness, thou thirst of others' loss, without lust of my + own gain or revenge: but when it is said, "Let's go, let's do it," we are + ashamed not to be shameless. + </p> + <p> + Who can disentangle that twisted and intricate knottiness? Foul is it: I + hate to think on it, to look on it. But Thee I long for, O Righteousness + and Innocency, beautiful and comely to all pure eyes, and of a + satisfaction unsating. With Thee is rest entire, and life imperturbable. + Whoso enters into Thee, enters into the joy of his Lord: and shall not + fear, and shall do excellently in the All-Excellent. I sank away from + Thee, and I wandered, O my God, too much astray from Thee my stay, in + these days of my youth, and I became to myself a barren land. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"></a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOOK III + </h2> + <p> + To Carthage I came, where there sang all around me in my ears a cauldron + of unholy loves. I loved not yet, yet I loved to love, and out of a + deep-seated want, I hated myself for wanting not. I sought what I might + love, in love with loving, and safety I hated, and a way without snares. + For within me was a famine of that inward food, Thyself, my God; yet, + through that famine I was not hungered; but was without all longing for + incorruptible sustenance, not because filled therewith, but the more + empty, the more I loathed it. For this cause my soul was sickly and full + of sores, it miserably cast itself forth, desiring to be scraped by the + touch of objects of sense. Yet if these had not a soul, they would not be + objects of love. To love then, and to be beloved, was sweet to me; but + more, when I obtained to enjoy the person I loved, I defiled, therefore, + the spring of friendship with the filth of concupiscence, and I beclouded + its brightness with the hell of lustfulness; and thus foul and unseemly, I + would fain, through exceeding vanity, be fine and courtly. I fell headlong + then into the love wherein I longed to be ensnared. My God, my Mercy, with + how much gall didst Thou out of Thy great goodness besprinkle for me that + sweetness? For I was both beloved, and secretly arrived at the bond of + enjoying; and was with joy fettered with sorrow-bringing bonds, that I + might be scourged with the iron burning rods of jealousy, and suspicions, + and fears, and angers, and quarrels. + </p> + <p> + Stage-plays also carried me away, full of images of my miseries, and of + fuel to my fire. Why is it, that man desires to be made sad, beholding + doleful and tragical things, which yet himself would no means suffer? yet + he desires as a spectator to feel sorrow at them, and this very sorrow is + his pleasure. What is this but a miserable madness? for a man is the more + affected with these actions, the less free he is from such affections. + Howsoever, when he suffers in his own person, it uses to be styled misery: + when he compassionates others, then it is mercy. But what sort of + compassion is this for feigned and scenical passions? for the auditor is + not called on to relieve, but only to grieve: and he applauds the actor of + these fictions the more, the more he grieves. And if the calamities of + those persons (whether of old times, or mere fiction) be so acted, that + the spectator is not moved to tears, he goes away disgusted and + criticising; but if he be moved to passion, he stays intent, and weeps for + joy. + </p> + <p> + Are griefs then too loved? Verily all desire joy. Or whereas no man likes + to be miserable, is he yet pleased to be merciful? which because it cannot + be without passion, for this reason alone are passions loved? This also + springs from that vein of friendship. But whither goes that vein? whither + flows it? wherefore runs it into that torrent of pitch bubbling forth + those monstrous tides of foul lustfulness, into which it is wilfully + changed and transformed, being of its own will precipitated and corrupted + from its heavenly clearness? Shall compassion then be put away? by no + means. Be griefs then sometimes loved. But beware of uncleanness, O my + soul, under the guardianship of my God, the God of our fathers, who is to + be praised and exalted above all for ever, beware of uncleanness. For I + have not now ceased to pity; but then in the theatres I rejoiced with + lovers when they wickedly enjoyed one another, although this was imaginary + only in the play. And when they lost one another, as if very + compassionate, I sorrowed with them, yet had my delight in both. But now I + much more pity him that rejoiceth in his wickedness, than him who is + thought to suffer hardship, by missing some pernicious pleasure, and the + loss of some miserable felicity. This certainly is the truer mercy, but in + it grief delights not. For though he that grieves for the miserable, be + commended for his office of charity; yet had he, who is genuinely + compassionate, rather there were nothing for him to grieve for. For if + good will be ill willed (which can never be), then may he, who truly and + sincerely commiserates, wish there might be some miserable, that he might + commiserate. Some sorrow may then be allowed, none loved. For thus dost + Thou, O Lord God, who lovest souls far more purely than we, and hast more + incorruptibly pity on them, yet are wounded with no sorrowfulness. And who + is sufficient for these things? + </p> + <p> + But I, miserable, then loved to grieve, and sought out what to grieve at, + when in another's and that feigned and personated misery, that acting best + pleased me, and attracted me the most vehemently, which drew tears from + me. What marvel that an unhappy sheep, straying from Thy flock, and + impatient of Thy keeping, I became infected with a foul disease? And hence + the love of griefs; not such as should sink deep into me; for I loved not + to suffer, what I loved to look on; but such as upon hearing their + fictions should lightly scratch the surface; upon which, as on envenomed + nails, followed inflamed swelling, impostumes, and a putrefied sore. My + life being such, was it life, O my God? + </p> + <p> + And Thy faithful mercy hovered over me afar. Upon how grievous iniquities + consumed I myself, pursuing a sacrilegious curiosity, that having forsaken + Thee, it might bring me to the treacherous abyss, and the beguiling + service of devils, to whom I sacrificed my evil actions, and in all these + things Thou didst scourge me! I dared even, while Thy solemnities were + celebrated within the walls of Thy Church, to desire, and to compass a + business deserving death for its fruits, for which Thou scourgedst me with + grievous punishments, though nothing to my fault, O Thou my exceeding + mercy, my God, my refuge from those terrible destroyers, among whom I + wandered with a stiff neck, withdrawing further from Thee, loving mine own + ways, and not Thine; loving a vagrant liberty. + </p> + <p> + Those studies also, which were accounted commendable, had a view to + excelling in the courts of litigation; the more bepraised, the craftier. + Such is men's blindness, glorying even in their blindness. And now I was + chief in the rhetoric school, whereat I joyed proudly, and I swelled with + arrogancy, though (Lord, Thou knowest) far quieter and altogether removed + from the subvertings of those "Subverters" (for this ill-omened and + devilish name was the very badge of gallantry) among whom I lived, with a + shameless shame that I was not even as they. With them I lived, and was + sometimes delighted with their friendship, whose doings I ever did abhor—i.e., + their "subvertings," wherewith they wantonly persecuted the modesty of + strangers, which they disturbed by a gratuitous jeering, feeding thereon + their malicious birth. Nothing can be liker the very actions of devils + than these. What then could they be more truly called than "Subverters"? + themselves subverted and altogether perverted first, the deceiving spirits + secretly deriding and seducing them, wherein themselves delight to jeer at + and deceive others. + </p> + <p> + Among such as these, in that unsettled age of mine, learned I books of + eloquence, wherein I desired to be eminent, out of a damnable and + vainglorious end, a joy in human vanity. In the ordinary course of study, + I fell upon a certain book of Cicero, whose speech almost all admire, not + so his heart. This book of his contains an exhortation to philosophy, and + is called "Hortensius." But this book altered my affections, and turned my + prayers to Thyself O Lord; and made me have other purposes and desires. + Every vain hope at once became worthless to me; and I longed with an + incredibly burning desire for an immortality of wisdom, and began now to + arise, that I might return to Thee. For not to sharpen my tongue (which + thing I seemed to be purchasing with my mother's allowances, in that my + nineteenth year, my father being dead two years before), not to sharpen my + tongue did I employ that book; nor did it infuse into me its style, but + its matter. + </p> + <p> + How did I burn then, my God, how did I burn to re-mount from earthly + things to Thee, nor knew I what Thou wouldest do with me? For with Thee is + wisdom. But the love of wisdom is in Greek called "philosophy," with which + that book inflamed me. Some there be that seduce through philosophy, under + a great, and smooth, and honourable name colouring and disguising their + own errors: and almost all who in that and former ages were such, are in + that book censured and set forth: there also is made plain that wholesome + advice of Thy Spirit, by Thy good and devout servant: Beware lest any man + spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, + after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ. For in Him + dwelleth all the fulness of the Godhead bodily. And since at that time + (Thou, O light of my heart, knowest) Apostolic Scripture was not known to + me, I was delighted with that exhortation, so far only, that I was thereby + strongly roused, and kindled, and inflamed to love, and seek, and obtain, + and hold, and embrace not this or that sect, but wisdom itself whatever it + were; and this alone checked me thus unkindled, that the name of Christ + was not in it. For this name, according to Thy mercy, O Lord, this name of + my Saviour Thy Son, had my tender heart, even with my mother's milk, + devoutly drunk in and deeply treasured; and whatsoever was without that + name, though never so learned, polished, or true, took not entire hold of + me. + </p> + <p> + I resolved then to bend my mind to the holy Scriptures, that I might see + what they were. But behold, I see a thing not understood by the proud, nor + laid open to children, lowly in access, in its recesses lofty, and veiled + with mysteries; and I was not such as could enter into it, or stoop my + neck to follow its steps. For not as I now speak, did I feel when I turned + to those Scriptures; but they seemed to me unworthy to be compared to the + stateliness of Tully: for my swelling pride shrunk from their lowliness, + nor could my sharp wit pierce the interior thereof. Yet were they such as + would grow up in a little one. But I disdained to be a little one; and, + swollen with pride, took myself to be a great one. + </p> + <p> + Therefore I fell among men proudly doting, exceeding carnal and prating, + in whose mouths were the snares of the Devil, limed with the mixture of + the syllables of Thy name, and of our Lord Jesus Christ, and of the Holy + Ghost, the Paraclete, our Comforter. These names departed not out of their + mouth, but so far forth as the sound only and the noise of the tongue, for + the heart was void of truth. Yet they cried out "Truth, Truth," and spake + much thereof to me, yet it was not in them: but they spake falsehood, not + of Thee only (who truly art Truth), but even of those elements of this + world, Thy creatures. And I indeed ought to have passed by even + philosophers who spake truth concerning them, for love of Thee, my Father, + supremely good, Beauty of all things beautiful. O Truth, Truth, how + inwardly did even then the marrow of my soul pant after Thee, when they + often and diversely, and in many and huge books, echoed of Thee to me, + though it was but an echo? And these were the dishes wherein to me, + hungering after Thee, they, instead of Thee, served up the Sun and Moon, + beautiful works of Thine, but yet Thy works, not Thyself, no nor Thy first + works. For Thy spiritual works are before these corporeal works, celestial + though they be, and shining. But I hungered and thirsted not even after + those first works of Thine, but after Thee Thyself, the Truth, in whom is + no variableness, neither shadow of turning: yet they still set before me + in those dishes, glittering fantasies, than which better were it to love + this very sun (which is real to our sight at least), than those fantasies + which by our eyes deceive our mind. Yet because I thought them to be Thee, + I fed thereon; not eagerly, for Thou didst not in them taste to me as Thou + art; for Thou wast not these emptinesses, nor was I nourished by them, but + exhausted rather. Food in sleep shows very like our food awake; yet are + not those asleep nourished by it, for they are asleep. But those were not + even any way like to Thee, as Thou hast now spoken to me; for those were + corporeal fantasies, false bodies, than which these true bodies, celestial + or terrestrial, which with our fleshly sight we behold, are far more + certain: these things the beasts and birds discern as well as we, and they + are more certain than when we fancy them. And again, we do with more + certainty fancy them, than by them conjecture other vaster and infinite + bodies which have no being. Such empty husks was I then fed on; and was + not fed. But Thou, my soul's Love, in looking for whom I fail, that I may + become strong, art neither those bodies which we see, though in heaven; + nor those which we see not there; for Thou hast created them, nor dost + Thou account them among the chiefest of Thy works. How far then art Thou + from those fantasies of mine, fantasies of bodies which altogether are + not, than which the images of those bodies, which are, are far more + certain, and more certain still the bodies themselves, which yet Thou art + not; no, nor yet the soul, which is the life of the bodies. So then, + better and more certain is the life of the bodies than the bodies. But + Thou art the life of souls, the life of lives, having life in Thyself; and + changest not, life of my soul. + </p> + <p> + Where then wert Thou then to me, and how far from me? Far verily was I + straying from Thee, barred from the very husks of the swine, whom with + husks I fed. For how much better are the fables of poets and grammarians + than these snares? For verses, and poems, and "Medea flying," are more + profitable truly than these men's five elements, variously disguised, + answering to five dens of darkness, which have no being, yet slay the + believer. For verses and poems I can turn to true food, and "Medea + flying," though I did sing, I maintained not; though I heard it sung, I + believed not: but those things I did believe. Woe, woe, by what steps was + I brought down to the depths of hell! toiling and turmoiling through want + of Truth, since I sought after Thee, my God (to Thee I confess it, who + hadst mercy on me, not as yet confessing), not according to the + understanding of the mind, wherein Thou willedst that I should excel the + beasts, but according to the sense of the flesh. But Thou wert more inward + to me than my most inward part; and higher than my highest. I lighted upon + that bold woman, simple and knoweth nothing, shadowed out in Solomon, + sitting at the door, and saying, Eat ye bread of secrecies willingly, and + drink ye stolen waters which are sweet: she seduced me, because she found + my soul dwelling abroad in the eye of my flesh, and ruminating on such + food as through it I had devoured. + </p> + <p> + For other than this, that which really is I knew not; and was, as it were + through sharpness of wit, persuaded to assent to foolish deceivers, when + they asked me, "whence is evil?" "is God bounded by a bodily shape, and + has hairs and nails?" "are they to be esteemed righteous who had many + wives at once, and did kill men, and sacrifice living creatures?" At which + I, in my ignorance, was much troubled, and departing from the truth, + seemed to myself to be making towards it; because as yet I knew not that + evil was nothing but a privation of good, until at last a thing ceases + altogether to be; which how should I see, the sight of whose eyes reached + only to bodies, and of my mind to a phantasm? And I knew not God to be a + Spirit, not one who hath parts extended in length and breadth, or whose + being was bulk; for every bulk is less in a part than in the whole: and if + it be infinite, it must be less in such part as is defined by a certain + space, than in its infinitude; and so is not wholly every where, as + Spirit, as God. And what that should be in us, by which we were like to + God, and might be rightly said to be after the image of God, I was + altogether ignorant. + </p> + <p> + Nor knew I that true inward righteousness which judgeth not according to + custom, but out of the most rightful law of God Almighty, whereby the ways + of places and times were disposed according to those times and places; + itself meantime being the same always and every where, not one thing in + one place, and another in another; according to which Abraham, and Isaac, + and Jacob, and Moses, and David, were righteous, and all those commended + by the mouth of God; but were judged unrighteous by silly men, judging out + of man's judgment, and measuring by their own petty habits, the moral + habits of the whole human race. As if in an armory, one ignorant what were + adapted to each part should cover his head with greaves, or seek to be + shod with a helmet, and complain that they fitted not: or as if on a day + when business is publicly stopped in the afternoon, one were angered at + not being allowed to keep open shop, because he had been in the forenoon; + or when in one house he observeth some servant take a thing in his hand, + which the butler is not suffered to meddle with; or something permitted + out of doors, which is forbidden in the dining-room; and should be angry, + that in one house, and one family, the same thing is not allotted every + where, and to all. Even such are they who are fretted to hear something to + have been lawful for righteous men formerly, which now is not; or that + God, for certain temporal respects, commanded them one thing, and these + another, obeying both the same righteousness: whereas they see, in one + man, and one day, and one house, different things to be fit for different + members, and a thing formerly lawful, after a certain time not so; in one + corner permitted or commanded, but in another rightly forbidden and + punished. Is justice therefore various or mutable? No, but the times, over + which it presides, flow not evenly, because they are times. But men whose + days are few upon the earth, for that by their senses they cannot + harmonise the causes of things in former ages and other nations, which + they had not experience of, with these which they have experience of, + whereas in one and the same body, day, or family, they easily see what is + fitting for each member, and season, part, and person; to the one they + take exceptions, to the other they submit. + </p> + <p> + These things I then knew not, nor observed; they struck my sight on all + sides, and I saw them not. I indited verses, in which I might not place + every foot every where, but differently in different metres; nor even in + any one metre the self-same foot in all places. Yet the art itself, by + which I indited, had not different principles for these different cases, + but comprised all in one. Still I saw not how that righteousness, which + good and holy men obeyed, did far more excellently and sublimely contain + in one all those things which God commanded, and in no part varied; + although in varying times it prescribed not every thing at once, but + apportioned and enjoined what was fit for each. And I in my blindness, + censured the holy Fathers, not only wherein they made use of things + present as God commanded and inspired them, but also wherein they were + foretelling things to come, as God was revealing in them. + </p> + <p> + Can it at any time or place be unjust to love God with all his heart, with + all his soul, and with all his mind; and his neighbour as himself? + Therefore are those foul offences which be against nature, to be every + where and at all times detested and punished; such as were those of the + men of Sodom: which should all nations commit, they should all stand + guilty of the same crime, by the law of God, which hath not so made men + that they should so abuse one another. For even that intercourse which + should be between God and us is violated, when that same nature, of which + He is Author, is polluted by perversity of lust. But those actions which + are offences against the customs of men, are to be avoided according to + the customs severally prevailing; so that a thing agreed upon, and + confirmed, by custom or law of any city or nation, may not be violated at + the lawless pleasure of any, whether native or foreigner. For any part + which harmoniseth not with its whole, is offensive. But when God commands + a thing to be done, against the customs or compact of any people, though + it were never by them done heretofore, it is to be done; and if + intermitted, it is to be restored; and if never ordained, is now to be + ordained. For lawful if it be for a king, in the state which he reigns + over, to command that which no one before him, nor he himself heretofore, + had commanded, and to obey him cannot be against the common weal of the + state (nay, it were against it if he were not obeyed, for to obey princes + is a general compact of human society); how much more unhesitatingly ought + we to obey God, in all which He commands, the Ruler of all His creatures! + For as among the powers in man's society, the greater authority is obeyed + in preference to the lesser, so must God above all. + </p> + <p> + So in acts of violence, where there is a wish to hurt, whether by reproach + or injury; and these either for revenge, as one enemy against another; or + for some profit belonging to another, as the robber to the traveller; or + to avoid some evil, as towards one who is feared; or through envy, as one + less fortunate to one more so, or one well thriven in any thing, to him + whose being on a par with himself he fears, or grieves at, or for the mere + pleasure at another's pain, as spectators of gladiators, or deriders and + mockers of others. These be the heads of iniquity which spring from the + lust of the flesh, of the eye, or of rule, either singly, or two combined, + or all together; and so do men live ill against the three, and seven, that + psaltery of ten strings, Thy Ten Commandments, O God, most high, and + most sweet. But what foul offences can there be against Thee, who canst + not be defiled? or what acts of violence against Thee, who canst not be + harmed? But Thou avengest what men commit against themselves, seeing also + when they sin against Thee, they do wickedly against their own souls, and + iniquity gives itself the lie, by corrupting and perverting their nature, + which Thou hast created and ordained, or by an immoderate use of things + allowed, or in burning in things unallowed, to that use which is against + nature; or are found guilty, raging with heart and tongue against Thee, + kicking against the pricks; or when, bursting the pale of human society, + they boldly joy in self-willed combinations or divisions, according as + they have any object to gain or subject of offence. And these things are + done when Thou art forsaken, O Fountain of Life, who art the only and true + Creator and Governor of the Universe, and by a self-willed pride, any one + false thing is selected therefrom and loved. So then by a humble + devoutness we return to Thee; and Thou cleansest us from our evil habits, + and art merciful to their sins who confess, and hearest the groaning of + the prisoner, and loosest us from the chains which we made for ourselves, + if we lift not up against Thee the horns of an unreal liberty, suffering + the loss of all, through covetousness of more, by loving more our own + private good than Thee, the Good of all. + </p> + <p> + Amidst these offences of foulness and violence, and so many iniquities, + are sins of men, who are on the whole making proficiency; which by those + that judge rightly, are, after the rule of perfection, discommended, yet + the persons commended, upon hope of future fruit, as in the green blade of + growing corn. And there are some, resembling offences of foulness or + violence, which yet are no sins; because they offend neither Thee, our + Lord God, nor human society; when, namely, things fitting for a given + period are obtained for the service of life, and we know not whether out + of a lust of having; or when things are, for the sake of correction, by + constituted authority punished, and we know not whether out of a lust of + hurting. Many an action then which in men's sight is disapproved, is by + Thy testimony approved; and many, by men praised, are (Thou being witness) + condemned: because the show of the action, and the mind of the doer, and + the unknown exigency of the period, severally vary. But when Thou on a + sudden commandest an unwonted and unthought of thing, yea, although Thou + hast sometime forbidden it, and still for the time hidest the reason of + Thy command, and it be against the ordinance of some society of men, who + doubts but it is to be done, seeing that society of men is just which + serves Thee? But blessed are they who know Thy commands! For all things + were done by Thy servants; either to show forth something needful for the + present, or to foreshow things to come. + </p> + <p> + These things I being ignorant of, scoffed at those Thy holy servants and + prophets. And what gained I by scoffing at them, but to be scoffed at by + Thee, being insensibly and step by step drawn on to those follies, as to + believe that a fig-tree wept when it was plucked, and the tree, its + mother, shed milky tears? Which fig notwithstanding (plucked by some + other's, not his own, guilt) had some Manichaean saint eaten, and mingled + with his bowels, he should breathe out of it angels, yea, there shall + burst forth particles of divinity, at every moan or groan in his prayer, + which particles of the most high and true God had remained bound in that + fig, unless they had been set at liberty by the teeth or belly of some + "Elect" saint! And I, miserable, believed that more mercy was to be shown + to the fruits of the earth than men, for whom they were created. For if + any one an hungered, not a Manichaean, should ask for any, that morsel + would seem as it were condemned to capital punishment, which should be + given him. + </p> + <p> + And Thou sentest Thine hand from above, and drewest my soul out of that + profound darkness, my mother, Thy faithful one, weeping to Thee for me, + more than mothers weep the bodily deaths of their children. For she, by + that faith and spirit which she had from Thee, discerned the death wherein + I lay, and Thou heardest her, O Lord; Thou heardest her, and despisedst + not her tears, when streaming down, they watered the ground under her eyes + in every place where she prayed; yea Thou heardest her. For whence was + that dream whereby Thou comfortedst her; so that she allowed me to live + with her, and to eat at the same table in the house, which she had begun + to shrink from, abhorring and detesting the blasphemies of my error? For + she saw herself standing on a certain wooden rule, and a shining youth + coming towards her, cheerful and smiling upon her, herself grieving, and + overwhelmed with grief. But he having (in order to instruct, as is their + wont not to be instructed) enquired of her the causes of her grief and + daily tears, and she answering that she was bewailing my perdition, he + bade her rest contented, and told her to look and observe, "That where she + was, there was I also." And when she looked, she saw me standing by her in + the same rule. Whence was this, but that Thine ears were towards her + heart? O Thou Good omnipotent, who so carest for every one of us, as if + Thou caredst for him only; and so for all, as if they were but one! + </p> + <p> + Whence was this also, that when she had told me this vision, and I would + fain bend it to mean, "That she rather should not despair of being one day + what I was"; she presently, without any hesitation, replies: "No; for it + was not told me that, 'where he, there thou also'; but 'where thou, there + he also'?" I confess to Thee, O Lord, that to the best of my remembrance + (and I have oft spoken of this), that Thy answer, through my waking + mother,—that she was not perplexed by the plausibility of my false + interpretation, and so quickly saw what was to be seen, and which I + certainly had not perceived before she spake,—even then moved me + more than the dream itself, by which a joy to the holy woman, to be + fulfilled so long after, was, for the consolation of her present anguish, + so long before foresignified. For almost nine years passed, in which I + wallowed in the mire of that deep pit, and the darkness of falsehood, + often assaying to rise, but dashed down the more grievously. All which + time that chaste, godly, and sober widow (such as Thou lovest), now more + cheered with hope, yet no whit relaxing in her weeping and mourning, + ceased not at all hours of her devotions to bewail my case unto Thee. And + her prayers entered into Thy presence; and yet Thou sufferedst me to be + yet involved and reinvolved in that darkness. + </p> + <p> + Thou gavest her meantime another answer, which I call to mind; for much I + pass by, hasting to those things which more press me to confess unto Thee, + and much I do not remember. Thou gavest her then another answer, by a + Priest of Thine, a certain Bishop brought up in Thy Church, and well + studied in Thy books. Whom when this woman had entreated to vouchsafe to + converse with me, refute my errors, unteach me ill things, and teach me + good things (for this he was wont to do, when he found persons fitted to + receive it), he refused, wisely, as I afterwards perceived. For he + answered, that I was yet unteachable, being puffed up with the novelty of + that heresy, and had already perplexed divers unskilful persons with + captious questions, as she had told him: "but let him alone a while" + (saith he), "only pray God for him, he will of himself by reading find + what that error is, and how great its impiety." At the same time he told + her, how himself, when a little one, had by his seduced mother been + consigned over to the Manichees, and had not only read, but frequently + copied out almost all, their books, and had (without any argument or proof + from any one) seen how much that sect was to be avoided; and had avoided + it. Which when he had said, and she would not be satisfied, but urged him + more, with entreaties and many tears, that he would see me and discourse + with me; he, a little displeased at her importunity, saith, "Go thy ways + and God bless thee, for it is not possible that the son of these tears + should perish." Which answer she took (as she often mentioned in her + conversations with me) as if it had sounded from heaven. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"></a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOOK IV + </h2> + <p> + For this space of nine years (from my nineteenth year to my + eight-and-twentieth) we lived seduced and seducing, deceived and + deceiving, in divers lusts; openly, by sciences which they call liberal; + secretly, with a false-named religion; here proud, there superstitious, + every where vain. Here, hunting after the emptiness of popular praise, + down even to theatrical applauses, and poetic prizes, and strifes for + grassy garlands, and the follies of shows, and the intemperance of + desires. There, desiring to be cleansed from these defilements, by + carrying food to those who were called "elect" and "holy," out of which, + in the workhouse of their stomachs, they should forge for us Angels and + Gods, by whom we might be cleansed. These things did I follow, and + practise with my friends, deceived by me, and with me. Let the arrogant + mock me, and such as have not been, to their soul's health, stricken and + cast down by Thee, O my God; but I would still confess to Thee mine own + shame in Thy praise. Suffer me, I beseech Thee, and give me grace to go + over in my present remembrance the wanderings of my forepassed time, and + to offer unto Thee the sacrifice of thanksgiving. For what am I to myself + without Thee, but a guide to mine own downfall? or what am I even at the + best, but an infant sucking the milk Thou givest, and feeding upon Thee, + the food that perisheth not? But what sort of man is any man, seeing he is + but a man? Let now the strong and the mighty laugh at us, but let us poor + and needy confess unto Thee. + </p> + <p> + In those years I taught rhetoric, and, overcome by cupidity, made sale of + a loquacity to overcome by. Yet I preferred (Lord, Thou knowest) honest + scholars (as they are accounted), and these I, without artifice, taught + artifices, not to be practised against the life of the guiltless, though + sometimes for the life of the guilty. And Thou, O God, from afar + perceivedst me stumbling in that slippery course, and amid much smoke + sending out some sparks of faithfulness, which I showed in that my + guidance of such as loved vanity, and sought after leasing, myself their + companion. In those years I had one,—not in that which is called + lawful marriage, but whom I had found out in a wayward passion, void of + understanding; yet but one, remaining faithful even to her; in whom I in + my own case experienced what difference there is betwixt the + self-restraint of the marriage-covenant, for the sake of issue, and the + bargain of a lustful love, where children are born against their parents' + will, although, once born, they constrain love. + </p> + <p> + I remember also, that when I had settled to enter the lists for a + theatrical prize, some wizard asked me what I would give him to win; but + I, detesting and abhorring such foul mysteries, answered, "Though the + garland were of imperishable gold, I would not suffer a fly to be killed + to gain me it." For he was to kill some living creatures in his + sacrifices, and by those honours to invite the devils to favour me. But + this ill also I rejected, not out of a pure love for Thee, O God of my + heart; for I knew not how to love Thee, who knew not how to conceive aught + beyond a material brightness. And doth not a soul, sighing after such + fictions, commit fornication against Thee, trust in things unreal, and + feed the wind? Still I would not forsooth have sacrifices offered to + devils for me, to whom I was sacrificing myself by that superstition. For + what else is it to feed the wind, but to feed them, that is by going + astray to become their pleasure and derision? + </p> + <p> + Those impostors then, whom they style Mathematicians, I consulted without + scruple; because they seemed to use no sacrifice, nor to pray to any + spirit for their divinations: which art, however, Christian and true piety + consistently rejects and condemns. For, it is a good thing to confess unto + Thee, and to say, Have mercy upon me, heal my soul, for I have sinned + against Thee; and not to abuse Thy mercy for a licence to sin, but to + remember the Lord's words, Behold, thou art made whole, sin no more, lest + a worse thing come unto thee. All which wholesome advice they labour to + destroy, saying, "The cause of thy sin is inevitably determined in + heaven"; and "This did Venus, or Saturn, or Mars": that man, forsooth, + flesh and blood, and proud corruption, might be blameless; while the + Creator and Ordainer of heaven and the stars is to bear the blame. And who + is He but our God? the very sweetness and well-spring of righteousness, + who renderest to every man according to his works: and a broken and + contrite heart wilt Thou not despise. + </p> + <p> + There was in those days a wise man, very skilful in physic, and renowned + therein, who had with his own proconsular hand put the Agonistic garland + upon my distempered head, but not as a physician: for this disease Thou + only curest, who resistest the proud, and givest grace to the humble. But + didst Thou fail me even by that old man, or forbear to heal my soul? For + having become more acquainted with him, and hanging assiduously and + fixedly on his speech (for though in simple terms, it was vivid, lively, + and earnest), when he had gathered by my discourse that I was given to the + books of nativity-casters, he kindly and fatherly advised me to cast them + away, and not fruitlessly bestow a care and diligence, necessary for + useful things, upon these vanities; saying, that he had in his earliest + years studied that art, so as to make it the profession whereby he should + live, and that, understanding Hippocrates, he could soon have understood + such a study as this; and yet he had given it over, and taken to physic, + for no other reason but that he found it utterly false; and he, a grave + man, would not get his living by deluding people. "But thou," saith he, + "hast rhetoric to maintain thyself by, so that thou followest this of free + choice, not of necessity: the more then oughtest thou to give me credit + herein, who laboured to acquire it so perfectly as to get my living by it + alone." Of whom when I had demanded, how then could many true things be + foretold by it, he answered me (as he could) "that the force of chance, + diffused throughout the whole order of things, brought this about. For if + when a man by haphazard opens the pages of some poet, who sang and thought + of something wholly different, a verse oftentimes fell out, wondrously + agreeable to the present business: it were not to be wondered at, if out + of the soul of man, unconscious what takes place in it, by some higher + instinct an answer should be given, by hap, not by art, corresponding to + the business and actions of the demander." + </p> + <p> + And thus much, either from or through him, Thou conveyedst to me, and + tracedst in my memory, what I might hereafter examine for myself. But at + that time neither he, nor my dearest Nebridius, a youth singularly good + and of a holy fear, who derided the whole body of divination, could + persuade me to cast it aside, the authority of the authors swaying me yet + more, and as yet I had found no certain proof (such as I sought) whereby + it might without all doubt appear, that what had been truly foretold by + those consulted was the result of haphazard, not of the art of the + star-gazers. + </p> + <p> + In those years when I first began to teach rhetoric in my native town, I + had made one my friend, but too dear to me, from a community of pursuits, + of mine own age, and, as myself, in the first opening flower of youth. He + had grown up of a child with me, and we had been both school-fellows and + play-fellows. But he was not yet my friend as afterwards, nor even then, + as true friendship is; for true it cannot be, unless in such as Thou + cementest together, cleaving unto Thee, by that love which is shed abroad + in our hearts by the Holy Ghost, which is given unto us. Yet was it but + too sweet, ripened by the warmth of kindred studies: for, from the true + faith (which he as a youth had not soundly and thoroughly imbibed), I had + warped him also to those superstitious and pernicious fables, for which my + mother bewailed me. With me he now erred in mind, nor could my soul be + without him. But behold Thou wert close on the steps of Thy fugitives, at + once God of vengeance, and Fountain of mercies, turning us to Thyself by + wonderful means; Thou tookest that man out of this life, when he had + scarce filled up one whole year of my friendship, sweet to me above all + sweetness of that my life. + </p> + <p> + Who can recount all Thy praises, which he hath felt in his one self? What + diddest Thou then, my God, and how unsearchable is the abyss of Thy + judgments? For long, sore sick of a fever, he lay senseless in a + death-sweat; and his recovery being despaired of, he was baptised, + unknowing; myself meanwhile little regarding, and presuming that his soul + would retain rather what it had received of me, not what was wrought on + his unconscious body. But it proved far otherwise: for he was refreshed, + and restored. Forthwith, as soon as I could speak with him (and I could, + so soon as he was able, for I never left him, and we hung but too much + upon each other), I essayed to jest with him, as though he would jest with + me at that baptism which he had received, when utterly absent in mind and + feeling, but had now understood that he had received. But he so shrunk + from me, as from an enemy; and with a wonderful and sudden freedom bade + me, as I would continue his friend, forbear such language to him. I, all + astonished and amazed, suppressed all my emotions till he should grow + well, and his health were strong enough for me to deal with him as I + would. But he was taken away from my frenzy, that with Thee he might be + preserved for my comfort; a few days after in my absence, he was attacked + again by the fever, and so departed. + </p> + <p> + At this grief my heart was utterly darkened; and whatever I beheld was + death. My native country was a torment to me, and my father's house a + strange unhappiness; and whatever I had shared with him, wanting him, + became a distracting torture. Mine eyes sought him every where, but he was + not granted them; and I hated all places, for that they had not him; nor + could they now tell me, "he is coming," as when he was alive and absent. I + became a great riddle to myself, and I asked my soul, why she was so sad, + and why she disquieted me sorely: but she knew not what to answer me. And + if I said, Trust in God, she very rightly obeyed me not; because that most + dear friend, whom she had lost, was, being man, both truer and better than + that phantasm she was bid to trust in. Only tears were sweet to me, for + they succeeded my friend, in the dearest of my affections. + </p> + <p> + And now, Lord, these things are passed by, and time hath assuaged my + wound. May I learn from Thee, who art Truth, and approach the ear of my + heart unto Thy mouth, that Thou mayest tell me why weeping is sweet to the + miserable? Hast Thou, although present every where, cast away our misery + far from Thee? And Thou abidest in Thyself, but we are tossed about in + divers trials. And yet unless we mourned in Thine ears, we should have no + hope left. Whence then is sweet fruit gathered from the bitterness of + life, from groaning, tears, sighs, and complaints? Doth this sweeten it, + that we hope Thou hearest? This is true of prayer, for therein is a + longing to approach unto Thee. But is it also in grief for a thing lost, + and the sorrow wherewith I was then overwhelmed? For I neither hoped he + should return to life nor did I desire this with my tears; but I wept only + and grieved. For I was miserable, and had lost my joy. Or is weeping + indeed a bitter thing, and for very loathing of the things which we before + enjoyed, does it then, when we shrink from them, please us? + </p> + <p> + But what speak I of these things? for now is no time to question, but to + confess unto Thee. Wretched I was; and wretched is every soul bound by the + friendship of perishable things; he is torn asunder when he loses them, + and then he feels the wretchedness which he had ere yet he lost them. So + was it then with me; I wept most bitterly, and found my repose in + bitterness. Thus was I wretched, and that wretched life I held dearer than + my friend. For though I would willingly have changed it, yet was I more + unwilling to part with it than with him; yea, I know not whether I would + have parted with it even for him, as is related (if not feigned) of + Pylades and Orestes, that they would gladly have died for each other or + together, not to live together being to them worse than death. But in me + there had arisen some unexplained feeling, too contrary to this, for at + once I loathed exceedingly to live and feared to die. I suppose, the more + I loved him, the more did I hate, and fear (as a most cruel enemy) death, + which had bereaved me of him: and I imagined it would speedily make an end + of all men, since it had power over him. Thus was it with me, I remember. + Behold my heart, O my God, behold and see into me; for well I remember it, + O my Hope, who cleansest me from the impurity of such affections, + directing mine eyes towards Thee, and plucking my feet out of the snare. + For I wondered that others, subject to death, did live, since he whom I + loved, as if he should never die, was dead; and I wondered yet more that + myself, who was to him a second self, could live, he being dead. Well said + one of his friend, "Thou half of my soul"; for I felt that my soul and his + soul were "one soul in two bodies": and therefore was my life a horror to + me, because I would not live halved. And therefore perchance I feared to + die, lest he whom I had much loved should die wholly. + </p> + <p> + O madness, which knowest not how to love men, like men! O foolish man that + I then was, enduring impatiently the lot of man! I fretted then, sighed, + wept, was distracted; had neither rest nor counsel. For I bore about a + shattered and bleeding soul, impatient of being borne by me, yet where to + repose it, I found not. Not in calm groves, not in games and music, nor in + fragrant spots, nor in curious banquetings, nor in the pleasures of the + bed and the couch; nor (finally) in books or poesy, found it repose. All + things looked ghastly, yea, the very light; whatsoever was not what he + was, was revolting and hateful, except groaning and tears. For in those + alone found I a little refreshment. But when my soul was withdrawn from + them a huge load of misery weighed me down. To Thee, O Lord, it ought to + have been raised, for Thee to lighten; I knew it; but neither could nor + would; the more, since, when I thought of Thee, Thou wert not to me any + solid or substantial thing. For Thou wert not Thyself, but a mere phantom, + and my error was my God. If I offered to discharge my load thereon, that + it might rest, it glided through the void, and came rushing down again on + me; and I had remained to myself a hapless spot, where I could neither be, + nor be from thence. For whither should my heart flee from my heart? + Whither should I flee from myself? Whither not follow myself? And yet I + fled out of my country; for so should mine eyes less look for him, where + they were not wont to see him. And thus from Thagaste, I came to Carthage. + </p> + <p> + Times lose no time; nor do they roll idly by; through our senses they work + strange operations on the mind. Behold, they went and came day by day, and + by coming and going, introduced into my mind other imaginations and other + remembrances; and little by little patched me up again with my old kind of + delights, unto which that my sorrow gave way. And yet there succeeded, not + indeed other griefs, yet the causes of other griefs. For whence had that + former grief so easily reached my very inmost soul, but that I had poured + out my soul upon the dust, in loving one that must die, as if he would + never die? For what restored and refreshed me chiefly was the solaces of + other friends, with whom I did love, what instead of Thee I loved; and + this was a great fable, and protracted lie, by whose adulterous stimulus, + our soul, which lay itching in our ears, was being defiled. But that fable + would not die to me, so oft as any of my friends died. There were other + things which in them did more take my mind; to talk and jest together, to + do kind offices by turns; to read together honied books; to play the fool + or be earnest together; to dissent at times without discontent, as a man + might with his own self; and even with the seldomness of these + dissentings, to season our more frequent consentings; sometimes to teach, + and sometimes learn; long for the absent with impatience; and welcome the + coming with joy. These and the like expressions, proceeding out of the + hearts of those that loved and were loved again, by the countenance, the + tongue, the eyes, and a thousand pleasing gestures, were so much fuel to + melt our souls together, and out of many make but one. + </p> + <p> + This is it that is loved in friends; and so loved, that a man's conscience + condemns itself, if he love not him that loves him again, or love not + again him that loves him, looking for nothing from his person but + indications of his love. Hence that mourning, if one die, and darkenings + of sorrows, that steeping of the heart in tears, all sweetness turned to + bitterness; and upon the loss of life of the dying, the death of the + living. Blessed whoso loveth Thee, and his friend in Thee, and his enemy + for Thee. For he alone loses none dear to him, to whom all are dear in Him + who cannot be lost. And who is this but our God, the God that made heaven + and earth, and filleth them, because by filling them He created them? Thee + none loseth, but who leaveth. And who leaveth Thee, whither goeth or + whither fleeth he, but from Thee well-pleased, to Thee displeased? For + where doth he not find Thy law in his own punishment? And Thy law is + truth, and truth Thou. + </p> + <p> + Turn us, O God of Hosts, show us Thy countenance, and we shall be whole. + For whithersoever the soul of man turns itself, unless toward Thee, it is + riveted upon sorrows, yea though it is riveted on things beautiful. And + yet they, out of Thee, and out of the soul, were not, unless they were + from Thee. They rise, and set; and by rising, they begin as it were to be; + they grow, that they may be perfected; and perfected, they wax old and + wither; and all grow not old, but all wither. So then when they rise and + tend to be, the more quickly they grow that they may be, so much the more + they haste not to be. This is the law of them. Thus much has Thou allotted + them, because they are portions of things, which exist not all at once, + but by passing away and succeeding, they together complete that universe, + whereof they are portions. And even thus is our speech completed by signs + giving forth a sound: but this again is not perfected unless one word pass + away when it hath sounded its part, that another may succeed. Out of all + these things let my soul praise Thee, O God, Creator of all; yet let not + my soul be riveted unto these things with the glue of love, through the + senses of the body. For they go whither they were to go, that they might + not be; and they rend her with pestilent longings, because she longs to + be, yet loves to repose in what she loves. But in these things is no place + of repose; they abide not, they flee; and who can follow them with the + senses of the flesh? yea, who can grasp them, when they are hard by? For + the sense of the flesh is slow, because it is the sense of the flesh; and + thereby is it bounded. It sufficeth for that it was made for; but it + sufficeth not to stay things running their course from their appointed + starting-place to the end appointed. For in Thy Word, by which they are + created, they hear their decree, "hence and hitherto." + </p> + <p> + Be not foolish, O my soul, nor become deaf in the ear of thine heart with + the tumult of thy folly. Hearken thou too. The Word itself calleth thee + to return: and there is the place of rest imperturbable, where love is + not forsaken, if itself forsaketh not. Behold, these things pass away, + that others may replace them, and so this lower universe be completed by + all his parts. But do I depart any whither? saith the Word of God. There + fix thy dwelling, trust there whatsoever thou hast thence, O my soul, at + least now thou art tired out with vanities. Entrust Truth, whatsoever + thou hast from the Truth, and thou shalt lose nothing; and thy decay + shall bloom again, and all thy diseases be healed, and thy mortal parts + be reformed and renewed, and bound around thee: nor shall they lay thee + whither themselves descend; but they shall stand fast with thee, and + abide for ever before God, Who abideth and standeth fast for ever. + </p> + <p> + Why then be perverted and follow thy flesh? Be it converted and follow + thee. Whatever by her thou hast sense of, is in part; and the whole, + whereof these are parts, thou knowest not; and yet they delight thee. But + had the sense of thy flesh a capacity for comprehending the whole, and not + itself also, for thy punishment, been justly restricted to a part of the + whole, thou wouldest, that whatsoever existeth at this present, should + pass away, that so the whole might better please thee. For what we speak + also, by the same sense of the flesh thou hearest; yet wouldest not thou + have the syllables stay, but fly away, that others may come, and thou hear + the whole. And so ever, when any one thing is made up of many, all of + which do not exist together, all collectively would please more than they + do severally, could all be perceived collectively. But far better than + these is He who made all; and He is our God, nor doth He pass away, for + neither doth aught succeed Him. + </p> + <p> + If bodies please thee, praise God on occasion of them, and turn back thy + love upon their Maker; lest in these things which please thee, thou + displease. If souls please thee, be they loved in God: for they too are + mutable, but in Him are they firmly stablished; else would they pass, and + pass away. In Him then be they beloved; and carry unto Him along with thee + what souls thou canst, and say to them, "Him let us love, Him let us love: + He made these, nor is He far off. For He did not make them, and so depart, + but they are of Him, and in Him. See there He is, where truth is loved. He + is within the very heart, yet hath the heart strayed from Him. Go back + into your heart, ye transgressors, and cleave fast to Him that made you. + Stand with Him, and ye shall stand fast. Rest in Him, and ye shall be at + rest. Whither go ye in rough ways? Whither go ye? The good that you love + is from Him; but it is good and pleasant through reference to Him, and + justly shall it be embittered, because unjustly is any thing loved which + is from Him, if He be forsaken for it. To what end then would ye still and + still walk these difficult and toilsome ways? There is no rest, where ye + seek it. Seek what ye seek; but it is not there where ye seek. Ye seek a + blessed life in the land of death; it is not there. For how should there + be a blessed life where life itself is not? + </p> + <p> + "But our true Life came down hither, and bore our death, and slew him, out + of the abundance of His own life: and He thundered, calling aloud to us to + return hence to Him into that secret place, whence He came forth to us, + first into the Virgin's womb, wherein He espoused the human creation, our + mortal flesh, that it might not be for ever mortal, and thence like a + bridegroom coming out of his chamber, rejoicing as a giant to run his + course. For He lingered not, but ran, calling aloud by words, deeds, + death, life, descent, ascension; crying aloud to us to return unto Him. + And He departed from our eyes, that we might return into our heart, and + there find Him. For He departed, and lo, He is here. He would not be long + with us, yet left us not; for He departed thither, whence He never parted, + because the world was made by Him. And in this world He was, and into this + world He came to save sinners, unto whom my soul confesseth, and He + healeth it, for it hath sinned against Him. O ye sons of men, how long so + slow of heart? Even now, after the descent of Life to you, will ye not + ascend and live? But whither ascend ye, when ye are on high, and set your + mouth against the heavens? Descend, that ye may ascend, and ascend to God. + For ye have fallen, by ascending against Him." Tell them this, that they + may weep in the valley of tears, and so carry them up with thee unto God; + because out of His spirit thou speakest thus unto them, if thou speakest, + burning with the fire of charity. + </p> + <p> + These things I then knew not, and I loved these lower beauties, and I was + sinking to the very depths, and to my friends I said, "Do we love any + thing but the beautiful? What then is the beautiful? and what is beauty? + What is it that attracts and wins us to the things we love? for unless + there were in them a grace and beauty, they could by no means draw us unto + them." And I marked and perceived that in bodies themselves, there was a + beauty, from their forming a sort of whole, and again, another from apt + and mutual correspondence, as of a part of the body with its whole, or a + shoe with a foot, and the like. And this consideration sprang up in my + mind, out of my inmost heart, and I wrote "on the fair and fit," I think, + two or three books. Thou knowest, O Lord, for it is gone from me; for I + have them not, but they are strayed from me, I know not how. + </p> + <p> + But what moved me, O Lord my God, to dedicate these books unto Hierius, an + orator of Rome, whom I knew not by face, but loved for the fame of his + learning which was eminent in him, and some words of his I had heard, + which pleased me? But more did he please me, for that he pleased others, + who highly extolled him, amazed that out of a Syrian, first instructed in + Greek eloquence, should afterwards be formed a wonderful Latin orator, and + one most learned in things pertaining unto philosophy. One is commended, + and, unseen, he is loved: doth this love enter the heart of the hearer + from the mouth of the commender? Not so. But by one who loveth is another + kindled. For hence he is loved who is commended, when the commender is + believed to extol him with an unfeigned heart; that is, when one that + loves him, praises him. + </p> + <p> + For so did I then love men, upon the judgment of men, not Thine, O my God, + in Whom no man is deceived. But yet why not for qualities, like those of a + famous charioteer, or fighter with beasts in the theatre, known far and + wide by a vulgar popularity, but far otherwise, and earnestly, and so as I + would be myself commended? For I would not be commended or loved, as + actors are (though I myself did commend and love them), but had rather be + unknown, than so known; and even hated, than so loved. Where now are the + impulses to such various and divers kinds of loves laid up in one soul? + Why, since we are equally men, do I love in another what, if I did not + hate, I should not spurn and cast from myself? For it holds not, that as a + good horse is loved by him, who would not, though he might, be that horse, + therefore the same may be said of an actor, who shares our nature. Do I + then love in a man, what I hate to be, who am a man? Man himself is a + great deep, whose very hairs Thou numberest, O Lord, and they fall not to + the ground without Thee. And yet are the hairs of his head easier to be + numbered than his feelings, and the beatings of his heart. + </p> + <p> + But that orator was of that sort whom I loved, as wishing to be myself + such; and I erred through a swelling pride, and was tossed about with + every wind, but yet was steered by Thee, though very secretly. And whence + do I know, and whence do I confidently confess unto Thee, that I had loved + him more for the love of his commenders, than for the very things for + which he was commended? Because, had he been unpraised, and these + self-same men had dispraised him, and with dispraise and contempt told the + very same things of him, I had never been so kindled and excited to love + him. And yet the things had not been other, nor he himself other; but only + the feelings of the relators. See where the impotent soul lies along, that + is not yet stayed up by the solidity of truth! Just as the gales of + tongues blow from the breast of the opinionative, so is it carried this + way and that, driven forward and backward, and the light is overclouded to + it, and the truth unseen. And lo, it is before us. And it was to me a + great matter, that my discourse and labours should be known to that man: + which should he approve, I were the more kindled; but if he disapproved, + my empty heart, void of Thy solidity, had been wounded. And yet the "fair + and fit," whereon I wrote to him, I dwelt on with pleasure, and surveyed + it, and admired it, though none joined therein. + </p> + <p> + But I saw not yet, whereon this weighty matter turned in Thy wisdom, O + Thou Omnipotent, who only doest wonders; and my mind ranged through + corporeal forms; and "fair," I defined and distinguished what is so in + itself, and "fit," whose beauty is in correspondence to some other thing: + and this I supported by corporeal examples. And I turned to the nature of + the mind, but the false notion which I had of spiritual things, let me not + see the truth. Yet the force of truth did of itself flash into mine eyes, + and I turned away my panting soul from incorporeal substance to + lineaments, and colours, and bulky magnitudes. And not being able to see + these in the mind, I thought I could not see my mind. And whereas in + virtue I loved peace, and in viciousness I abhorred discord; in the first + I observed a unity, but in the other, a sort of division. And in that + unity I conceived the rational soul, and the nature of truth and of the + chief good to consist; but in this division I miserably imagined there to + be some unknown substance of irrational life, and the nature of the chief + evil, which should not only be a substance, but real life also, and yet + not derived from Thee, O my God, of whom are all things. And yet that + first I called a Monad, as it had been a soul without sex; but the latter + a Duad;—anger, in deeds of violence, and in flagitiousness, lust; + not knowing whereof I spake. For I had not known or learned that neither + was evil a substance, nor our soul that chief and unchangeable good. + </p> + <p> + For as deeds of violence arise, if that emotion of the soul be corrupted, + whence vehement action springs, stirring itself insolently and unrulily; + and lusts, when that affection of the soul is ungoverned, whereby carnal + pleasures are drunk in, so do errors and false opinions defile the + conversation, if the reasonable soul itself be corrupted; as it was then + in me, who knew not that it must be enlightened by another light, that it + may be partaker of truth, seeing itself is not that nature of truth. For + Thou shalt light my candle, O Lord my God, Thou shalt enlighten my + darkness: and of Thy fulness have we all received, for Thou art the true + light that lighteth every man that cometh into the world; for in Thee + there is no variableness, neither shadow of change. + </p> + <p> + But I pressed towards Thee, and was thrust from Thee, that I might taste + of death: for thou resistest the proud. But what prouder, than for me with + a strange madness to maintain myself to be that by nature which Thou art? + For whereas I was subject to change (so much being manifest to me, my very + desire to become wise, being the wish, of worse to become better), yet + chose I rather to imagine Thee subject to change, and myself not to be + that which Thou art. Therefore I was repelled by Thee, and Thou resistedst + my vain stiffneckedness, and I imagined corporeal forms, and, myself + flesh, I accused flesh; and, a wind that passeth away, I returned not to + Thee, but I passed on and on to things which have no being, neither in + Thee, nor in me, nor in the body. Neither were they created for me by Thy + truth, but by my vanity devised out of things corporeal. And I was wont to + ask Thy faithful little ones, my fellow-citizens (from whom, unknown to + myself, I stood exiled), I was wont, prating and foolishly, to ask them, + "Why then doth the soul err which God created?" But I would not be asked, + "Why then doth God err?" And I maintained that Thy unchangeable substance + did err upon constraint, rather than confess that my changeable substance + had gone astray voluntarily, and now, in punishment, lay in error. + </p> + <p> + I was then some six or seven and twenty years old when I wrote those + volumes; revolving within me corporeal fictions, buzzing in the ears of my + heart, which I turned, O sweet truth, to thy inward melody, meditating on + the "fair and fit," and longing to stand and hearken to Thee, and to + rejoice greatly at the Bridegroom's voice, but could not; for by the + voices of mine own errors, I was hurried abroad, and through the weight of + my own pride, I was sinking into the lowest pit. For Thou didst not make + me to hear joy and gladness, nor did the bones exult which were not yet + humbled. + </p> + <p> + And what did it profit me, that scarce twenty years old, a book of + Aristotle, which they call the ten Predicaments, falling into my hands + (on whose very name I hung, as on something great and divine, so often as + my rhetoric master of Carthage, and others, accounted learned, mouthed it + with cheeks bursting with pride), I read and understood it unaided? And on + my conferring with others, who said that they scarcely understood it with + very able tutors, not only orally explaining it, but drawing many things + in sand, they could tell me no more of it than I had learned, reading it + by myself. And the book appeared to me to speak very clearly of + substances, such as "man," and of their qualities, as the figure of a man, + of what sort it is; and stature, how many feet high; and his relationship, + whose brother he is; or where placed; or when born; or whether he stands + or sits; or be shod or armed; or does, or suffers anything; and all the + innumerable things which might be ranged under these nine Predicaments, of + which I have given some specimens, or under that chief Predicament of + Substance. + </p> + <p> + What did all this further me, seeing it even hindered me? when, imagining + whatever was, was comprehended under those ten Predicaments, I essayed + in such wise to understand, O my God, Thy wonderful and unchangeable Unity + also, as if Thou also hadst been subjected to Thine own greatness or + beauty; so that (as in bodies) they should exist in Thee, as their + subject: whereas Thou Thyself art Thy greatness and beauty; but a body is + not great or fair in that it is a body, seeing that, though it were less + great or fair, it should notwithstanding be a body. But it was falsehood + which of Thee I conceived, not truth, fictions of my misery, not the + realities of Thy blessedness. For Thou hadst commanded, and it was done in + me, that the earth should bring forth briars and thorns to me, and that in + the sweat of my brows I should eat my bread. + </p> + <p> + And what did it profit me, that all the books I could procure of the + so-called liberal arts, I, the vile slave of vile affections, read by + myself, and understood? And I delighted in them, but knew not whence came + all, that therein was true or certain. For I had my back to the light, and + my face to the things enlightened; whence my face, with which I discerned + the things enlightened, itself was not enlightened. Whatever was written, + either on rhetoric, or logic, geometry, music, and arithmetic, by myself + without much difficulty or any instructor, I understood, Thou knowest, O + Lord my God; because both quickness of understanding, and acuteness in + discerning, is Thy gift: yet did I not thence sacrifice to Thee. So then + it served not to my use, but rather to my perdition, since I went about to + get so good a portion of my substance into my own keeping; and I kept not + my strength for Thee, but wandered from Thee into a far country, to spend + it upon harlotries. For what profited me good abilities, not employed to + good uses? For I felt not that those arts were attained with great + difficulty, even by the studious and talented, until I attempted to + explain them to such; when he most excelled in them who followed me not + altogether slowly. + </p> + <p> + But what did this further me, imagining that Thou, O Lord God, the Truth, + wert a vast and bright body, and I a fragment of that body? Perverseness + too great! But such was I. Nor do I blush, O my God, to confess to Thee + Thy mercies towards me, and to call upon Thee, who blushed not then to + profess to men my blasphemies, and to bark against Thee. What profited me + then my nimble wit in those sciences and all those most knotty volumes, + unravelled by me, without aid from human instruction; seeing I erred so + foully, and with such sacrilegious shamefulness, in the doctrine of piety? + Or what hindrance was a far slower wit to Thy little ones, since they + departed not far from Thee, that in the nest of Thy Church they might + securely be fledged, and nourish the wings of charity, by the food of a + sound faith. O Lord our God, under the shadow of Thy wings let us hope; + protect us, and carry us. Thou wilt carry us both when little, and even to + hoar hairs wilt Thou carry us; for our firmness, when it is Thou, then is + it firmness; but when our own, it is infirmity. Our good ever lives with + Thee; from which when we turn away, we are turned aside. Let us now, O + Lord, return, that we may not be overturned, because with Thee our good + lives without any decay, which good art Thou; nor need we fear, lest there + be no place whither to return, because we fell from it: for through our + absence, our mansion fell not—Thy eternity. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"></a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOOK V + </h2> + <p> + Accept the sacrifice of my confessions from the ministry of my tongue, + which Thou hast formed and stirred up to confess unto Thy name. Heal Thou + all my bones, and let them say, O Lord, who is like unto Thee? For he who + confesses to Thee doth not teach Thee what takes place within him; seeing + a closed heart closes not out Thy eye, nor can man's hard-heartedness + thrust back Thy hand: for Thou dissolvest it at Thy will in pity or in + vengeance, and nothing can hide itself from Thy heat. But let my soul + praise Thee, that it may love Thee; and let it confess Thy own mercies to + Thee, that it may praise Thee. Thy whole creation ceaseth not, nor is + silent in Thy praises; neither the spirit of man with voice directed unto + Thee, nor creation animate or inanimate, by the voice of those who + meditate thereon: that so our souls may from their weariness arise towards + Thee, leaning on those things which Thou hast created, and passing on to + Thyself, who madest them wonderfully; and there is refreshment and true + strength. + </p> + <p> + Let the restless, the godless, depart and flee from Thee; yet Thou seest + them, and dividest the darkness. And behold, the universe with them is + fair, though they are foul. And how have they injured Thee? or how have + they disgraced Thy government, which, from the heaven to this lowest + earth, is just and perfect? For whither fled they, when they fled from Thy + presence? or where dost not Thou find them? But they fled, that they might + not see Thee seeing them, and, blinded, might stumble against Thee + (because Thou forsakest nothing Thou hast made); that the unjust, I say, + might stumble upon Thee, and justly be hurt; withdrawing themselves from + thy gentleness, and stumbling at Thy uprightness, and falling upon their + own ruggedness. Ignorant, in truth, that Thou art every where, Whom no + place encompasseth! and Thou alone art near, even to those that remove far + from Thee. Let them then be turned, and seek Thee; because not as they + have forsaken their Creator, hast Thou forsaken Thy creation. Let them be + turned and seek Thee; and behold, Thou art there in their heart, in the + heart of those that confess to Thee, and cast themselves upon Thee, and + weep in Thy bosom, after all their rugged ways. Then dost Thou gently wipe + away their tears, and they weep the more, and joy in weeping; even for + that Thou, Lord,—not man of flesh and blood, but—Thou, Lord, + who madest them, re-makest and comfortest them. But where was I, when I + was seeking Thee? And Thou wert before me, but I had gone away from Thee; + nor did I find myself, how much less Thee! + </p> + <p> + I would lay open before my God that nine-and-twentieth year of mine age. + There had then come to Carthage a certain Bishop of the Manichees, Faustus + by name, a great snare of the Devil, and many were entangled by him + through that lure of his smooth language: which though I did commend, yet + could I separate from the truth of the things which I was earnest to + learn: nor did I so much regard the service of oratory as the science + which this Faustus, so praised among them, set before me to feed upon. + Fame had before bespoken him most knowing in all valuable learning, and + exquisitely skilled in the liberal sciences. And since I had read and well + remembered much of the philosophers, I compared some things of theirs with + those long fables of the Manichees, and found the former the more + probable; even although they could only prevail so far as to make judgment + of this lower world, the Lord of it they could by no means find out. For + Thou art great, O Lord, and hast respect unto the humble, but the proud + Thou beholdest afar off. Nor dost Thou draw near, but to the contrite in + heart, nor art found by the proud, no, not though by curious skill they + could number the stars and the sand, and measure the starry heavens, and + track the courses of the planets. + </p> + <p> + For with their understanding and wit, which Thou bestowedst on them, they + search out these things; and much have they found out; and foretold, many + years before, eclipses of those luminaries, the sun and moon,—what + day and hour, and how many digits,—nor did their calculation fail; + and it came to pass as they foretold; and they wrote down the rules they + had found out, and these are read at this day, and out of them do others + foretell in what year and month of the year, and what day of the month, + and what hour of the day, and what part of its light, moon or sun is to be + eclipsed, and so it shall be, as it is foreshowed. At these things men, + that know not this art, marvel and are astonished, and they that know it, + exult, and are puffed up; and by an ungodly pride departing from Thee, and + failing of Thy light, they foresee a failure of the sun's light, which + shall be, so long before, but see not their own, which is. For they search + not religiously whence they have the wit, wherewith they search out this. + And finding that Thou madest them, they give not themselves up to Thee, to + preserve what Thou madest, nor sacrifice to Thee what they have made + themselves; nor slay their own soaring imaginations, as fowls of the air, + nor their own diving curiosities (wherewith, like the fishes of the sea, + they wander over the unknown paths of the abyss), nor their own + luxuriousness, as beasts of the field, that Thou, Lord, a consuming fire, + mayest burn up those dead cares of theirs, and re-create themselves + immortally. + </p> + <p> + But they knew not the way, Thy Word, by Whom Thou madest these things + which they number, and themselves who number, and the sense whereby they + perceive what they number, and the understanding, out of which they + number; or that of Thy wisdom there is no number. But the Only Begotten is + Himself made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and + was numbered among us, and paid tribute unto Caesar. They knew not this + way whereby to descend to Him from themselves, and by Him ascend unto Him. + They knew not this way, and deemed themselves exalted amongst the stars + and shining; and behold, they fell upon the earth, and their foolish heart + was darkened. They discourse many things truly concerning the creature; + but Truth, Artificer of the creature, they seek not piously, and therefore + find Him not; or if they find Him, knowing Him to be God, they glorify Him + not as God, neither are thankful, but become vain in their imaginations, + and profess themselves to be wise, attributing to themselves what is + Thine; and thereby with most perverse blindness, study to impute to Thee + what is their own, forging lies of Thee who art the Truth, and changing + the glory of uncorruptible God into an image made like corruptible man, + and to birds, and four-footed beasts, and creeping things, changing Thy + truth into a lie, and worshipping and serving the creature more than the + Creator. + </p> + <p> + Yet many truths concerning the creature retained I from these men, and saw + the reason thereof from calculations, the succession of times, and the + visible testimonies of the stars; and compared them with the saying of + Manichaeus, which in his frenzy he had written most largely on these + subjects; but discovered not any account of the solstices, or equinoxes, + or the eclipses of the greater lights, nor whatever of this sort I had + learned in the books of secular philosophy. But I was commanded to + believe; and yet it corresponded not with what had been established by + calculations and my own sight, but was quite contrary. + </p> + <p> + Doth then, O Lord God of truth, whoso knoweth these things, therefore + please Thee? Surely unhappy is he who knoweth all these, and knoweth not + Thee: but happy whoso knoweth Thee, though he know not these. And whoso + knoweth both Thee and them is not the happier for them, but for Thee only, + if, knowing Thee, he glorifies Thee as God, and is thankful, and becomes + not vain in his imaginations. For as he is better off who knows how to + possess a tree, and return thanks to Thee for the use thereof, although he + know not how many cubits high it is, or how wide it spreads, than he that + can measure it, and count all its boughs, and neither owns it, nor knows + or loves its Creator: so a believer, whose all this world of wealth is, + and who having nothing, yet possesseth all things, by cleaving unto Thee, + whom all things serve, though he know not even the circles of the Great + Bear, yet is it folly to doubt but he is in a better state than one who + can measure the heavens, and number the stars, and poise the elements, yet + neglecteth Thee who hast made all things in number, weight, and measure. + </p> + <p> + But yet who bade that Manichaeus write on these things also, skill in + which was no element of piety? For Thou hast said to man, Behold piety and + wisdom; of which he might be ignorant, though he had perfect knowledge of + these things; but these things, since, knowing not, he most impudently + dared to teach, he plainly could have no knowledge of piety. For it is + vanity to make profession of these worldly things even when known; but + confession to Thee is piety. Wherefore this wanderer to this end spake + much of these things, that convicted by those who had truly learned them, + it might be manifest what understanding he had in the other abstruser + things. For he would not have himself meanly thought of, but went about to + persuade men, "That the Holy Ghost, the Comforter and Enricher of Thy + faithful ones, was with plenary authority personally within him." When + then he was found out to have taught falsely of the heaven and stars, and + of the motions of the sun and moon (although these things pertain not to + the doctrine of religion), yet his sacrilegious presumption would become + evident enough, seeing he delivered things which not only he knew not, but + which were falsified, with so mad a vanity of pride, that he sought to + ascribe them to himself, as to a divine person. + </p> + <p> + For when I hear any Christian brother ignorant of these things, and + mistaken on them, I can patiently behold such a man holding his opinion; + nor do I see that any ignorance as to the position or character of the + corporeal creation can injure him, so long as he doth not believe any + thing unworthy of Thee, O Lord, the Creator of all. But it doth injure + him, if he imagine it to pertain to the form of the doctrine of piety, and + will yet affirm that too stiffly whereof he is ignorant. And yet is even + such an infirmity, in the infancy of faith, borne by our mother Charity, + till the new-born may grow up unto a perfect man, so as not to be carried + about with every wind of doctrine. But in him who in such wise presumed to + be the teacher, source, guide, chief of all whom he could so persuade, + that whoso followed him thought that he followed, not a mere man, but Thy + Holy Spirit; who would not judge that so great madness, when once + convicted of having taught any thing false, were to be detested and + utterly rejected? But I had not as yet clearly ascertained whether the + vicissitudes of longer and shorter days and nights, and of day and night + itself, with the eclipses of the greater lights, and whatever else of the + kind I had read of in other books, might be explained consistently with + his sayings; so that, if they by any means might, it should still remain a + question to me whether it were so or no; but I might, on account of his + reputed sanctity, rest my credence upon his authority. + </p> + <p> + And for almost all those nine years, wherein with unsettled mind I had + been their disciple, I had longed but too intensely for the coming of this + Faustus. For the rest of the sect, whom by chance I had lighted upon, when + unable to solve my objections about these things, still held out to me the + coming of this Faustus, by conference with whom these and greater + difficulties, if I had them, were to be most readily and abundantly + cleared. When then he came, I found him a man of pleasing discourse, and + who could speak fluently and in better terms, yet still but the self-same + things which they were wont to say. But what availed the utmost neatness + of the cup-bearer to my thirst for a more precious draught? Mine ears were + already cloyed with the like, nor did they seem to me therefore better, + because better said; nor therefore true, because eloquent; nor the soul + therefore wise, because the face was comely, and the language graceful. + But they who held him out to me were no good judges of things; and + therefore to them he appeared understanding and wise, because in words + pleasing. I felt however that another sort of people were suspicious even + of truth, and refused to assent to it, if delivered in a smooth and + copious discourse. But Thou, O my God, hadst already taught me by + wonderful and secret ways, and therefore I believe that Thou taughtest me, + because it is truth, nor is there besides Thee any teacher of truth, where + or whencesoever it may shine upon us. Of Thyself therefore had I now + learned, that neither ought any thing to seem to be spoken truly, because + eloquently; nor therefore falsely, because the utterance of the lips is + inharmonious; nor, again, therefore true, because rudely delivered; nor + therefore false, because the language is rich; but that wisdom and folly + are as wholesome and unwholesome food; and adorned or unadorned phrases as + courtly or country vessels; either kind of meats may be served up in + either kind of dishes. + </p> + <p> + That greediness then, wherewith I had of so long time expected that man, + was delighted verily with his action and feeling when disputing, and his + choice and readiness of words to clothe his ideas. I was then delighted, + and, with many others and more than they, did I praise and extol him. It + troubled me, however, that in the assembly of his auditors, I was not + allowed to put in and communicate those questions that troubled me, in + familiar converse with him. Which when I might, and with my friends began + to engage his ears at such times as it was not unbecoming for him to + discuss with me, and had brought forward such things as moved me; I found + him first utterly ignorant of liberal sciences, save grammar, and that but + in an ordinary way. But because he had read some of Tully's Orations, a + very few books of Seneca, some things of the poets, and such few volumes + of his own sect as were written in Latin and neatly, and was daily + practised in speaking, he acquired a certain eloquence, which proved the + more pleasing and seductive because under the guidance of a good wit, and + with a kind of natural gracefulness. Is it not thus, as I recall it, O + Lord my God, Thou judge of my conscience? before Thee is my heart, and my + remembrance, Who didst at that time direct me by the hidden mystery of Thy + providence, and didst set those shameful errors of mine before my face, + that I might see and hate them. + </p> + <p> + For after it was clear that he was ignorant of those arts in which I + thought he excelled, I began to despair of his opening and solving the + difficulties which perplexed me (of which indeed however ignorant, he + might have held the truths of piety, had he not been a Manichee). For + their books are fraught with prolix fables, of the heaven, and stars, sun, + and moon, and I now no longer thought him able satisfactorily to decide + what I much desired, whether, on comparison of these things with the + calculations I had elsewhere read, the account given in the books of + Manichaeus were preferable, or at least as good. Which when I proposed to + be considered and discussed, he, so far modestly, shrunk from the burthen. + For he knew that he knew not these things, and was not ashamed to confess + it. For he was not one of those talking persons, many of whom I had + endured, who undertook to teach me these things, and said nothing. But + this man had a heart, though not right towards Thee, yet neither + altogether treacherous to himself. For he was not altogether ignorant of + his own ignorance, nor would he rashly be entangled in a dispute, whence + he could neither retreat nor extricate himself fairly. Even for this I + liked him the better. For fairer is the modesty of a candid mind, than the + knowledge of those things which I desired; and such I found him, in all + the more difficult and subtile questions. + </p> + <p> + My zeal for the writings of Manichaeus being thus blunted, and despairing + yet more of their other teachers, seeing that in divers things which + perplexed me, he, so renowned among them, had so turned out; I began to + engage with him in the study of that literature, on which he also was much + set (and which as rhetoric-reader I was at that time teaching young + students at Carthage), and to read with him, either what himself desired + to hear, or such as I judged fit for his genius. But all my efforts + whereby I had purposed to advance in that sect, upon knowledge of that + man, came utterly to an end; not that I detached myself from them + altogether, but as one finding nothing better, I had settled to be content + meanwhile with what I had in whatever way fallen upon, unless by chance + something more eligible should dawn upon me. Thus, that Faustus, to so + many a snare of death, had now neither willing nor witting it, begun to + loosen that wherein I was taken. For Thy hands, O my God, in the secret + purpose of Thy providence, did not forsake my soul; and out of my mother's + heart's blood, through her tears night and day poured out, was a sacrifice + offered for me unto Thee; and Thou didst deal with me by wondrous ways. + Thou didst it, O my God: for the steps of a man are ordered by the Lord, + and He shall dispose his way. Or how shall we obtain salvation, but from + Thy hand, re-making what it made? + </p> + <p> + Thou didst deal with me, that I should be persuaded to go to Rome, and to + teach there rather, what I was teaching at Carthage. And how I was + persuaded to this, I will not neglect to confess to Thee; because herein + also the deepest recesses of Thy wisdom, and Thy most present mercy to us, + must be considered and confessed. I did not wish therefore to go to Rome, + because higher gains and higher dignities were warranted me by my friends + who persuaded me to this (though even these things had at that time an + influence over my mind), but my chief and almost only reason was, that I + heard that young men studied there more peacefully, and were kept quiet + under a restraint of more regular discipline; so that they did not, at + their pleasures, petulantly rush into the school of one whose pupils they + were not, nor were even admitted without his permission. Whereas at + Carthage there reigns among the scholars a most disgraceful and unruly + licence. They burst in audaciously, and with gestures almost frantic, + disturb all order which any one hath established for the good of his + scholars. Divers outrages they commit, with a wonderful stolidity, + punishable by law, did not custom uphold them; that custom evincing them + to be the more miserable, in that they now do as lawful what by Thy + eternal law shall never be lawful; and they think they do it unpunished, + whereas they are punished with the very blindness whereby they do it, and + suffer incomparably worse than what they do. The manners then which, when + a student, I would not make my own, I was fain as a teacher to endure in + others: and so I was well pleased to go where, all that knew it, assured + me that the like was not done. But Thou, my refuge and my portion in the + land of the living; that I might change my earthly dwelling for the + salvation of my soul, at Carthage didst goad me, that I might thereby be + torn from it; and at Rome didst proffer me allurements, whereby I might be + drawn thither, by men in love with a dying life, the one doing frantic, + the other promising vain, things; and, to correct my steps, didst secretly + use their and my own perverseness. For both they who disturbed my quiet + were blinded with a disgraceful frenzy, and they who invited me elsewhere + savoured of earth. And I, who here detested real misery, was there seeking + unreal happiness. + </p> + <p> + But why I went hence, and went thither, Thou knewest, O God, yet showedst + it neither to me, nor to my mother, who grievously bewailed my journey, + and followed me as far as the sea. But I deceived her, holding me by + force, that either she might keep me back or go with me, and I feigned + that I had a friend whom I could not leave, till he had a fair wind to + sail. And I lied to my mother, and such a mother, and escaped: for this + also hast Thou mercifully forgiven me, preserving me, thus full of + execrable defilements, from the waters of the sea, for the water of Thy + Grace; whereby when I was cleansed, the streams of my mother's eyes should + be dried, with which for me she daily watered the ground under her face. + And yet refusing to return without me, I scarcely persuaded her to stay + that night in a place hard by our ship, where was an Oratory in memory of + the blessed Cyprian. That night I privily departed, but she was not behind + in weeping and prayer. And what, O Lord, was she with so many tears asking + of Thee, but that Thou wouldest not suffer me to sail? But Thou, in the + depth of Thy counsels and hearing the main point of her desire, regardest + not what she then asked, that Thou mightest make me what she ever asked. + The wind blew and swelled our sails, and withdrew the shore from our + sight; and she on the morrow was there, frantic with sorrow, and with + complaints and groans filled Thine ears, Who didst then disregard them; + whilst through my desires, Thou wert hurrying me to end all desire, and + the earthly part of her affection to me was chastened by the allotted + scourge of sorrows. For she loved my being with her, as mothers do, but + much more than many; and she knew not how great joy Thou wert about to + work for her out of my absence. She knew not; therefore did she weep and + wail, and by this agony there appeared in her the inheritance of Eve, with + sorrow seeking what in sorrow she had brought forth. And yet, after + accusing my treachery and hardheartedness, she betook herself again to + intercede to Thee for me, went to her wonted place, and I to Rome. + </p> + <p> + And lo, there was I received by the scourge of bodily sickness, and I was + going down to hell, carrying all the sins which I had committed, both + against Thee, and myself, and others, many and grievous, over and above + that bond of original sin, whereby we all die in Adam. For Thou hadst not + forgiven me any of these things in Christ, nor had He abolished by His + Cross the enmity which by my sins I had incurred with Thee. For how should + He, by the crucifixion of a phantasm, which I believed Him to be? So true, + then, was the death of my soul, as that of His flesh seemed to me false; + and how true the death of His body, so false was the life of my soul, + which did not believe it. And now the fever heightening, I was parting and + departing for ever. For had I then parted hence, whither had I departed, + but into fire and torments, such as my misdeeds deserved in the truth of + Thy appointment? And this she knew not, yet in absence prayed for me. But + Thou, everywhere present, heardest her where she was, and, where I was, + hadst compassion upon me; that I should recover the health of my body, + though frenzied as yet in my sacrilegious heart. For I did not in all that + danger desire Thy baptism; and I was better as a boy, when I begged it of + my mother's piety, as I have before recited and confessed. But I had grown + up to my own shame, and I madly scoffed at the prescripts of Thy medicine, + who wouldest not suffer me, being such, to die a double death. With which + wound had my mother's heart been pierced, it could never be healed. For I + cannot express the affection she bore to me, and with how much more + vehement anguish she was now in labour of me in the spirit, than at her + childbearing in the flesh. + </p> + <p> + I see not then how she should have been healed, had such a death of mine + stricken through the bowels of her love. And where would have been those + her so strong and unceasing prayers, unintermitting to Thee alone? But + wouldest Thou, God of mercies, despise the contrite and humbled heart of + that chaste and sober widow, so frequent in almsdeeds, so full of duty and + service to Thy saints, no day intermitting the oblation at Thine altar, + twice a day, morning and evening, without any intermission, coming to Thy + church, not for idle tattlings and old wives' fables; but that she might + hear Thee in Thy discourses, and Thou her in her prayers. Couldest Thou + despise and reject from Thy aid the tears of such an one, wherewith she + begged of Thee not gold or silver, nor any mutable or passing good, but + the salvation of her son's soul? Thou, by whose gift she was such? Never, + Lord. Yea, Thou wert at hand, and wert hearing and doing, in that order + wherein Thou hadst determined before that it should be done. Far be it + that Thou shouldest deceive her in Thy visions and answers, some whereof I + have, some I have not mentioned, which she laid up in her faithful heart, + and ever praying, urged upon Thee, as Thine own handwriting. For Thou, + because Thy mercy endureth for ever, vouchsafest to those to whom Thou + forgivest all of their debts, to become also a debtor by Thy promises. + </p> + <p> + Thou recoveredst me then of that sickness, and healedst the son of Thy + handmaid, for the time in body, that he might live, for Thee to bestow + upon him a better and more abiding health. And even then, at Rome, I + joined myself to those deceiving and deceived "holy ones"; not with their + disciples only (of which number was he, in whose house I had fallen sick + and recovered); but also with those whom they call "The Elect." For I + still thought "that it was not we that sin, but that I know not what other + nature sinned in us"; and it delighted my pride, to be free from blame; + and when I had done any evil, not to confess I had done any, that Thou + mightest heal my soul because it had sinned against Thee: but I loved to + excuse it, and to accuse I know not what other thing, which was with me, + but which I was not. But in truth it was wholly I, and mine impiety had + divided me against myself: and that sin was the more incurable, whereby I + did not judge myself a sinner; and execrable iniquity it was, that I had + rather have Thee, Thee, O God Almighty, to be overcome in me to my + destruction, than myself of Thee to salvation. Not as yet then hadst Thou + set a watch before my mouth, and a door of safe keeping around my lips, + that my heart might not turn aside to wicked speeches, to make excuses of + sins, with men that work iniquity; and, therefore, was I still united with + their Elect. + </p> + <p> + But now despairing to make proficiency in that false doctrine, even those + things (with which if I should find no better, I had resolved to rest + contented) I now held more laxly and carelessly. For there half arose a + thought in me that those philosophers, whom they call Academics, were + wiser than the rest, for that they held men ought to doubt everything, and + laid down that no truth can be comprehended by man: for so, not then + understanding even their meaning, I also was clearly convinced that they + thought, as they are commonly reported. Yet did I freely and openly + discourage that host of mine from that over-confidence which I perceived + him to have in those fables, which the books of Manichaeus are full of. + Yet I lived in more familiar friendship with them, than with others who + were not of this heresy. Nor did I maintain it with my ancient eagerness; + still my intimacy with that sect (Rome secretly harbouring many of them) + made me slower to seek any other way: especially since I despaired of + finding the truth, from which they had turned me aside, in Thy Church, O + Lord of heaven and earth, Creator of all things visible and invisible: and + it seemed to me very unseemly to believe Thee to have the shape of human + flesh, and to be bounded by the bodily lineaments of our members. And + because, when I wished to think on my God, I knew not what to think of, + but a mass of bodies (for what was not such did not seem to me to be + anything), this was the greatest, and almost only cause of my inevitable + error. + </p> + <p> + For hence I believed Evil also to be some such kind of substance, and to + have its own foul and hideous bulk; whether gross, which they called + earth, or thin and subtile (like the body of the air), which they imagine + to be some malignant mind, creeping through that earth. And because a + piety, such as it was, constrained me to believe that the good God never + created any evil nature, I conceived two masses, contrary to one another, + both unbounded, but the evil narrower, the good more expansive. And from + this pestilent beginning, the other sacrilegious conceits followed on me. + For when my mind endeavoured to recur to the Catholic faith, I was driven + back, since that was not the Catholic faith which I thought to be so. And + I seemed to myself more reverential, if I believed of Thee, my God (to + whom Thy mercies confess out of my mouth), as unbounded, at least on other + sides, although on that one where the mass of evil was opposed to Thee, I + was constrained to confess Thee bounded; than if on all sides I should + imagine Thee to be bounded by the form of a human body. And it seemed to + me better to believe Thee to have created no evil (which to me ignorant + seemed not some only, but a bodily substance, because I could not conceive + of mind unless as a subtile body, and that diffused in definite spaces), + than to believe the nature of evil, such as I conceived it, could come + from Thee. Yea, and our Saviour Himself, Thy Only Begotten, I believed to + have been reached forth (as it were) for our salvation, out of the mass of + Thy most lucid substance, so as to believe nothing of Him, but what I + could imagine in my vanity. His Nature then, being such, I thought could + not be born of the Virgin Mary, without being mingled with the flesh: and + how that which I had so figured to myself could be mingled, and not + defiled, I saw not. I feared therefore to believe Him born in the flesh, + lest I should be forced to believe Him defiled by the flesh. Now will Thy + spiritual ones mildly and lovingly smile upon me, if they shall read these + my confessions. Yet such was I. + </p> + <p> + Furthermore, what the Manichees had criticised in Thy Scriptures, I + thought could not be defended; yet at times verily I had a wish to confer + upon these several points with some one very well skilled in those books, + and to make trial what he thought thereon; for the words of one Helpidius, + as he spoke and disputed face to face against the said Manichees, had + begun to stir me even at Carthage: in that he had produced things out of + the Scriptures, not easily withstood, the Manichees' answer whereto seemed + to me weak. And this answer they liked not to give publicly, but only to + us in private. It was, that the Scriptures of the New Testament had been + corrupted by I know not whom, who wished to engraff the law of the Jews + upon the Christian faith: yet themselves produced not any uncorrupted + copies. But I, conceiving of things corporeal only, was mainly held down, + vehemently oppressed and in a manner suffocated by those "masses"; panting + under which after the breath of Thy truth, I could not breathe it pure and + untainted. + </p> + <p> + I began then diligently to practise that for which I came to Rome, to + teach rhetoric; and first, to gather some to my house, to whom, and + through whom, I had begun to be known; when lo, I found other offences + committed in Rome, to which I was not exposed in Africa. True, those + "subvertings" by profligate young men were not here practised, as was told + me: but on a sudden, said they, to avoid paying their master's stipend, a + number of youths plot together, and remove to another;—breakers of + faith, who for love of money hold justice cheap. These also my heart + hated, though not with a perfect hatred: for perchance I hated them more + because I was to suffer by them, than because they did things utterly + unlawful. Of a truth such are base persons, and they go a whoring from + Thee, loving these fleeting mockeries of things temporal, and filthy + lucre, which fouls the hand that grasps it; hugging the fleeting world, + and despising Thee, Who abidest, and recallest, and forgivest the + adulteress soul of man, when she returns to Thee. And now I hate such + depraved and crooked persons, though I love them if corrigible, so as to + prefer to money the learning which they acquire, and to learning, Thee, O + God, the truth and fulness of assured good, and most pure peace. But then + I rather for my own sake misliked them evil, than liked and wished them + good for Thine. + </p> + <p> + When therefore they of Milan had sent to Rome to the prefect of the city, + to furnish them with a rhetoric reader for their city, and sent him at the + public expense, I made application (through those very persons, + intoxicated with Manichaean vanities, to be freed wherefrom I was to go, + neither of us however knowing it) that Symmachus, then prefect of the + city, would try me by setting me some subject, and so send me. To Milan I + came, to Ambrose the Bishop, known to the whole world as among the best of + men, Thy devout servant; whose eloquent discourse did then plentifully + dispense unto Thy people the flour of Thy wheat, the gladness of Thy oil, + and the sober inebriation of Thy wine. To him was I unknowing led by Thee, + that by him I might knowingly be led to Thee. That man of God received me + as a father, and showed me an Episcopal kindness on my coming. Thenceforth + I began to love him, at first indeed not as a teacher of the truth (which + I utterly despaired of in Thy Church), but as a person kind towards + myself. And I listened diligently to him preaching to the people, not with + that intent I ought, but, as it were, trying his eloquence, whether it + answered the fame thereof, or flowed fuller or lower than was reported; + and I hung on his words attentively; but of the matter I was as a careless + and scornful looker-on; and I was delighted with the sweetness of his + discourse, more recondite, yet in manner less winning and harmonious, than + that of Faustus. Of the matter, however, there was no comparison; for the + one was wandering amid Manichaean delusions, the other teaching salvation + most soundly. But salvation is far from sinners, such as I then stood + before him; and yet was I drawing nearer by little and little, and + unconsciously. + </p> + <p> + For though I took no pains to learn what he spake, but only to hear how he + spake (for that empty care alone was left me, despairing of a way, open + for man, to Thee), yet together with the words which I would choose, came + also into my mind the things which I would refuse; for I could not + separate them. And while I opened my heart to admit "how eloquently he + spake," there also entered "how truly he spake"; but this by degrees. For + first, these things also had now begun to appear to me capable of defence; + and the Catholic faith, for which I had thought nothing could be said + against the Manichees' objections, I now thought might be maintained + without shamelessness; especially after I had heard one or two places of + the Old Testament resolved, and ofttimes "in a figure," which when I + understood literally, I was slain spiritually. Very many places then of + those books having been explained, I now blamed my despair, in believing + that no answer could be given to such as hated and scoffed at the Law and + the Prophets. Yet did I not therefore then see that the Catholic way was + to be held, because it also could find learned maintainers, who could at + large and with some show of reason answer objections; nor that what I held + was therefore to be condemned, because both sides could be maintained. For + the Catholic cause seemed to me in such sort not vanquished, as still not + as yet to be victorious. + </p> + <p> + Hereupon I earnestly bent my mind, to see if in any way I could by any + certain proof convict the Manichees of falsehood. Could I once have + conceived a spiritual substance, all their strongholds had been beaten + down, and cast utterly out of my mind; but I could not. Notwithstanding, + concerning the frame of this world, and the whole of nature, which the + senses of the flesh can reach to, as I more and more considered and + compared things, I judged the tenets of most of the philosophers to have + been much more probable. So then after the manner of the Academics (as + they are supposed) doubting of every thing, and wavering between all, I + settled so far, that the Manichees were to be abandoned; judging that, + even while doubting, I might not continue in that sect, to which I already + preferred some of the philosophers; to which philosophers notwithstanding, + for that they were without the saving Name of Christ, I utterly refused to + commit the cure of my sick soul. I determined therefore so long to be a + Catechumen in the Catholic Church, to which I had been commended by my + parents, till something certain should dawn upon me, whither I might steer + my course. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"></a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOOK VI + </h2> + <p> + O Thou, my hope from my youth, where wert Thou to me, and whither wert + Thou gone? Hadst not Thou created me, and separated me from the beasts of + the field, and fowls of the air? Thou hadst made me wiser, yet did I walk + in darkness, and in slippery places, and sought Thee abroad out of myself, + and found not the God of my heart; and had come into the depths of the + sea, and distrusted and despaired of ever finding truth. My mother had now + come to me, resolute through piety, following me over sea and land, in all + perils confiding in Thee. For in perils of the sea, she comforted the very + mariners (by whom passengers unacquainted with the deep, use rather to be + comforted when troubled), assuring them of a safe arrival, because Thou + hadst by a vision assured her thereof. She found me in grievous peril, + through despair of ever finding truth. But when I had discovered to her + that I was now no longer a Manichee, though not yet a Catholic Christian, + she was not overjoyed, as at something unexpected; although she was now + assured concerning that part of my misery, for which she bewailed me as + one dead, though to be reawakened by Thee, carrying me forth upon the bier + of her thoughts, that Thou mightest say to the son of the widow, Young + man, I say unto thee, Arise; and he should revive, and begin to speak, and + Thou shouldest deliver him to his mother. Her heart then was shaken with + no tumultuous exultation, when she heard that what she daily with tears + desired of Thee was already in so great part realised; in that, though I + had not yet attained the truth, I was rescued from falsehood; but, as + being assured, that Thou, Who hadst promised the whole, wouldest one day + give the rest, most calmly, and with a heart full of confidence, she + replied to me, "She believed in Christ, that before she departed this + life, she should see me a Catholic believer." Thus much to me. But to + Thee, Fountain of mercies, poured she forth more copious prayers and + tears, that Thou wouldest hasten Thy help, and enlighten my darkness; and + she hastened the more eagerly to the Church, and hung upon the lips of + Ambrose, praying for the fountain of that water, which springeth up unto + life everlasting. But that man she loved as an angel of God, because she + knew that by him I had been brought for the present to that doubtful state + of faith I now was in, through which she anticipated most confidently that + I should pass from sickness unto health, after the access, as it were, of + a sharper fit, which physicians call "the crisis." + </p> + <p> + When then my mother had once, as she was wont in Afric, brought to the + Churches built in memory of the Saints, certain cakes, and bread and wine, + and was forbidden by the door-keeper; so soon as she knew that the Bishop + had forbidden this, she so piously and obediently embraced his wishes, + that I myself wondered how readily she censured her own practice, rather + than discuss his prohibition. For wine-bibbing did not lay siege to her + spirit, nor did love of wine provoke her to hatred of the truth, as it + doth too many (both men and women), who revolt at a lesson of sobriety, as + men well-drunk at a draught mingled with water. But she, when she had + brought her basket with the accustomed festival-food, to be but tasted by + herself, and then given away, never joined therewith more than one small + cup of wine, diluted according to her own abstemious habits, which for + courtesy she would taste. And if there were many churches of the departed + saints that were to be honoured in that manner, she still carried round + that same one cup, to be used every where; and this, though not only made + very watery, but unpleasantly heated with carrying about, she would + distribute to those about her by small sips; for she sought there + devotion, not pleasure. So soon, then, as she found this custom to be + forbidden by that famous preacher and most pious prelate, even to those + that would use it soberly, lest so an occasion of excess might be given to + the drunken; and for these, as it were, anniversary funeral solemnities + did much resemble the superstition of the Gentiles, she most willingly + forbare it: and for a basket filled with fruits of the earth, she had + learned to bring to the Churches of the martyrs a breast filled with more + purified petitions, and to give what she could to the poor; that so the + communication of the Lord's Body might be there rightly celebrated, where, + after the example of His Passion, the martyrs had been sacrificed and + crowned. But yet it seems to me, O Lord my God, and thus thinks my heart + of it in Thy sight, that perhaps she would not so readily have yielded to + the cutting off of this custom, had it been forbidden by another, whom she + loved not as Ambrose, whom, for my salvation, she loved most entirely; and + he her again, for her most religious conversation, whereby in good works, + so fervent in spirit, she was constant at church; so that, when he saw me, + he often burst forth into her praises; congratulating me that I had such a + mother; not knowing what a son she had in me, who doubted of all these + things, and imagined the way to life could not be found out. + </p> + <p> + Nor did I yet groan in my prayers, that Thou wouldest help me; but my + spirit was wholly intent on learning, and restless to dispute. And Ambrose + himself, as the world counts happy, I esteemed a happy man, whom + personages so great held in such honour; only his celibacy seemed to me a + painful course. But what hope he bore within him, what struggles he had + against the temptations which beset his very excellencies, or what comfort + in adversities, and what sweet joys Thy Bread had for the hidden mouth of + his spirit, when chewing the cud thereof, I neither could conjecture, nor + had experienced. Nor did he know the tides of my feelings, or the abyss of + my danger. For I could not ask of him, what I would as I would, being shut + out both from his ear and speech by multitudes of busy people, whose + weaknesses he served. With whom when he was not taken up (which was but a + little time), he was either refreshing his body with the sustenance + absolutely necessary, or his mind with reading. But when he was reading, + his eye glided over the pages, and his heart searched out the sense, but + his voice and tongue were at rest. Ofttimes when we had come (for no man + was forbidden to enter, nor was it his wont that any who came should be + announced to him), we saw him thus reading to himself, and never + otherwise; and having long sat silent (for who durst intrude on one so + intent?) we were fain to depart, conjecturing that in the small interval + which he obtained, free from the din of others' business, for the + recruiting of his mind, he was loth to be taken off; and perchance he + dreaded lest if the author he read should deliver any thing obscurely, + some attentive or perplexed hearer should desire him to expound it, or to + discuss some of the harder questions; so that his time being thus spent, + he could not turn over so many volumes as he desired; although the + preserving of his voice (which a very little speaking would weaken) might + be the truer reason for his reading to himself. But with what intent + soever he did it, certainly in such a man it was good. + </p> + <p> + I however certainly had no opportunity of enquiring what I wished of that + so holy oracle of Thine, his breast, unless the thing might be answered + briefly. But those tides in me, to be poured out to him, required his full + leisure, and never found it. I heard him indeed every Lord's day, rightly + expounding the Word of truth among the people; and I was more and more + convinced that all the knots of those crafty calumnies, which those our + deceivers had knit against the Divine Books, could be unravelled. But when + I understood withal, that "man created by Thee, after Thine own image," + was not so understood by Thy spiritual sons, whom of the Catholic Mother + Thou hast born again through grace, as though they believed and conceived + of Thee as bounded by human shape (although what a spiritual substance + should be I had not even a faint or shadowy notion); yet, with joy I + blushed at having so many years barked not against the Catholic faith, but + against the fictions of carnal imaginations. For so rash and impious had I + been, that what I ought by enquiring to have learned, I had pronounced on, + condemning. For Thou, Most High, and most near; most secret, and most + present; Who hast not limbs some larger, some smaller, but art wholly + every where, and no where in space, art not of such corporeal shape, yet + hast Thou made man after Thine own image; and behold, from head to foot is + he contained in space. + </p> + <p> + Ignorant then how this Thy image should subsist, I should have knocked and + proposed the doubt, how it was to be believed, not insultingly opposed it, + as if believed. Doubt, then, what to hold for certain, the more sharply + gnawed my heart, the more ashamed I was, that so long deluded and deceived + by the promise of certainties, I had with childish error and vehemence, + prated of so many uncertainties. For that they were falsehoods became + clear to me later. However I was certain that they were uncertain, and + that I had formerly accounted them certain, when with a blind + contentiousness, I accused Thy Catholic Church, whom I now discovered, not + indeed as yet to teach truly, but at least not to teach that for which I + had grievously censured her. So I was confounded, and converted: and I + joyed, O my God, that the One Only Church, the body of Thine Only Son + (wherein the name of Christ had been put upon me as an infant), had no + taste for infantine conceits; nor in her sound doctrine maintained any + tenet which should confine Thee, the Creator of all, in space, however + great and large, yet bounded every where by the limits of a human form. + </p> + <p> + I joyed also that the old Scriptures of the law and the Prophets were laid + before me, not now to be perused with that eye to which before they seemed + absurd, when I reviled Thy holy ones for so thinking, whereas indeed they + thought not so: and with joy I heard Ambrose in his sermons to the people, + oftentimes most diligently recommend this text for a rule, The letter + killeth, but the Spirit giveth life; whilst he drew aside the mystic veil, + laying open spiritually what, according to the letter, seemed to teach + something unsound; teaching herein nothing that offended me, though he + taught what I knew not as yet, whether it were true. For I kept my heart + from assenting to any thing, fearing to fall headlong; but by hanging in + suspense I was the worse killed. For I wished to be as assured of the + things I saw not, as I was that seven and three are ten. For I was not so + mad as to think that even this could not be comprehended; but I desired to + have other things as clear as this, whether things corporeal, which were + not present to my senses, or spiritual, whereof I knew not how to + conceive, except corporeally. And by believing might I have been cured, + that so the eyesight of my soul being cleared, might in some way be + directed to Thy truth, which abideth always, and in no part faileth. But + as it happens that one who has tried a bad physician, fears to trust + himself with a good one, so was it with the health of my soul, which could + not be healed but by believing, and lest it should believe falsehoods, + refused to be cured; resisting Thy hands, Who hast prepared the medicines + of faith, and hast applied them to the diseases of the whole world, and + given unto them so great authority. + </p> + <p> + Being led, however, from this to prefer the Catholic doctrine, I felt that + her proceeding was more unassuming and honest, in that she required to be + believed things not demonstrated (whether it was that they could in + themselves be demonstrated but not to certain persons, or could not at all + be), whereas among the Manichees our credulity was mocked by a promise of + certain knowledge, and then so many most fabulous and absurd things were + imposed to be believed, because they could not be demonstrated. Then Thou, + O Lord, little by little with most tender and most merciful hand, touching + and composing my heart, didst persuade me—considering what + innumerable things I believed, which I saw not, nor was present while they + were done, as so many things in secular history, so many reports of places + and of cities, which I had not seen; so many of friends, so many of + physicians, so many continually of other men, which unless we should + believe, we should do nothing at all in this life; lastly, with how + unshaken an assurance I believed of what parents I was born, which I could + not know, had I not believed upon hearsay—considering all this, Thou + didst persuade me, that not they who believed Thy Books (which Thou hast + established in so great authority among almost all nations), but they who + believed them not, were to be blamed; and that they were not to be heard, + who should say to me, "How knowest thou those Scriptures to have been + imparted unto mankind by the Spirit of the one true and most true God?" + For this very thing was of all most to be believed, since no + contentiousness of blasphemous questionings, of all that multitude which I + had read in the self-contradicting philosophers, could wring this belief + from me, "That Thou art" whatsoever Thou wert (what I knew not), and "That + the government of human things belongs to Thee." + </p> + <p> + This I believed, sometimes more strongly, more weakly otherwhiles; yet I + ever believed both that Thou wert, and hadst a care of us; though I was + ignorant, both what was to be thought of Thy substance, and what way led + or led back to Thee. Since then we were too weak by abstract reasonings to + find out truth: and for this very cause needed the authority of Holy Writ; + I had now begun to believe that Thou wouldest never have given such + excellency of authority to that Writ in all lands, hadst Thou not willed + thereby to be believed in, thereby sought. For now what things, sounding + strangely in the Scripture, were wont to offend me, having heard divers of + them expounded satisfactorily, I referred to the depth of the mysteries, + and its authority appeared to me the more venerable, and more worthy of + religious credence, in that, while it lay open to all to read, it reserved + the majesty of its mysteries within its profounder meaning, stooping to + all in the great plainness of its words and lowliness of its style, yet + calling forth the intensest application of such as are not light of heart; + that so it might receive all in its open bosom, and through narrow + passages waft over towards Thee some few, yet many more than if it stood + not aloft on such a height of authority, nor drew multitudes within its + bosom by its holy lowliness. These things I thought on, and Thou wert with + me; I sighed, and Thou heardest me; I wavered, and Thou didst guide me; I + wandered through the broad way of the world, and Thou didst not forsake + me. + </p> + <p> + I panted after honours, gains, marriage; and thou deridedst me. In these + desires I underwent most bitter crosses, Thou being the more gracious, the + less Thou sufferedst aught to grow sweet to me, which was not Thou. Behold + my heart, O Lord, who wouldest I should remember all this, and confess to + Thee. Let my soul cleave unto Thee, now that Thou hast freed it from that + fast-holding birdlime of death. How wretched was it! and Thou didst + irritate the feeling of its wound, that forsaking all else, it might be + converted unto Thee, who art above all, and without whom all things would + be nothing; be converted, and be healed. How miserable was I then, and how + didst Thou deal with me, to make me feel my misery on that day, when I was + preparing to recite a panegyric of the Emperor, wherein I was to utter + many a lie, and lying, was to be applauded by those who knew I lied, and + my heart was panting with these anxieties, and boiling with the + feverishness of consuming thoughts. For, passing through one of the + streets of Milan, I observed a poor beggar, then, I suppose, with a full + belly, joking and joyous: and I sighed, and spoke to the friends around + me, of the many sorrows of our frenzies; for that by all such efforts of + ours, as those wherein I then toiled dragging along, under the goading of + desire, the burthen of my own wretchedness, and, by dragging, augmenting + it, we yet looked to arrive only at that very joyousness whither that + beggar-man had arrived before us, who should never perchance attain it. + For what he had obtained by means of a few begged pence, the same was I + plotting for by many a toilsome turning and winding; the joy of a + temporary felicity. For he verily had not the true joy; but yet I with + those my ambitious designs was seeking one much less true. And certainly + he was joyous, I anxious; he void of care, I full of fears. But should any + ask me, had I rather be merry or fearful? I would answer merry. Again, if + he asked had I rather be such as he was, or what I then was? I should + choose to be myself, though worn with cares and fears; but out of wrong + judgment; for, was it the truth? For I ought not to prefer myself to him, + because more learned than he, seeing I had no joy therein, but sought to + please men by it; and that not to instruct, but simply to please. + Wherefore also Thou didst break my bones with the staff of Thy correction. + </p> + <p> + Away with those then from my soul who say to her, "It makes a difference + whence a man's joy is. That beggar-man joyed in drunkenness; Thou + desiredst to joy in glory." What glory, Lord? That which is not in Thee. + For even as his was no true joy, so was that no true glory: and it + overthrew my soul more. He that very night should digest his drunkenness; + but I had slept and risen again with mine, and was to sleep again, and + again to rise with it, how many days, Thou, God, knowest. But "it doth + make a difference whence a man's joy is." I know it, and the joy of a + faithful hope lieth incomparably beyond such vanity. Yea, and so was he + then beyond me: for he verily was the happier; not only for that he was + thoroughly drenched in mirth, I disembowelled with cares: but he, by fair + wishes, had gotten wine; I, by lying, was seeking for empty, swelling + praise. Much to this purpose said I then to my friends: and I often marked + in them how it fared with me; and I found it went ill with me, and + grieved, and doubled that very ill; and if any prosperity smiled on me, I + was loth to catch at it, for almost before I could grasp it, it flew away. + </p> + <p> + These things we, who were living as friends together, bemoaned together, + but chiefly and most familiarly did I speak thereof with Alypius and + Nebridius, of whom Alypius was born in the same town with me, of persons + of chief rank there, but younger than I. For he had studied under me, both + when I first lectured in our town, and afterwards at Carthage, and he + loved me much, because I seemed to him kind, and learned; and I him, for + his great towardliness to virtue, which was eminent enough in one of no + greater years. Yet the whirlpool of Carthaginian habits (amongst whom + those idle spectacles are hotly followed) had drawn him into the madness + of the Circus. But while he was miserably tossed therein, and I, + professing rhetoric there, had a public school, as yet he used not my + teaching, by reason of some unkindness risen betwixt his father and me. I + had found then how deadly he doted upon the Circus, and was deeply grieved + that he seemed likely, nay, or had thrown away so great promise: yet had I + no means of advising or with a sort of constraint reclaiming him, either + by the kindness of a friend, or the authority of a master. For I supposed + that he thought of me as did his father; but he was not such; laying aside + then his father's mind in that matter, he began to greet me, come + sometimes into my lecture room, hear a little, and be gone. + </p> + <p> + I however had forgotten to deal with him, that he should not, through a + blind and headlong desire of vain pastimes, undo so good a wit. But Thou, + O Lord, who guidest the course of all Thou hast created, hadst not + forgotten him, who was one day to be among Thy children, Priest and + Dispenser of Thy Sacrament; and that his amendment might plainly be + attributed to Thyself, Thou effectedst it through me, unknowingly. For as + one day I sat in my accustomed place, with my scholars before me, he + entered, greeted me, sat down, and applied his mind to what I then + handled. I had by chance a passage in hand, which while I was explaining, + a likeness from the Circensian races occurred to me, as likely to make + what I would convey pleasanter and plainer, seasoned with biting mockery + of those whom that madness had enthralled; God, Thou knowest that I then + thought not of curing Alypius of that infection. But he took it wholly to + himself, and thought that I said it simply for his sake. And whence + another would have taken occasion of offence with me, that right-minded + youth took as a ground of being offended at himself, and loving me more + fervently. For Thou hadst said it long ago, and put it into Thy book, + Rebuke a wise man and he will love Thee. But I had not rebuked him, but + Thou, who employest all, knowing or not knowing, in that order which + Thyself knowest (and that order is just), didst of my heart and tongue + make burning coals, by which to set on fire the hopeful mind, thus + languishing, and so cure it. Let him be silent in Thy praises, who + considers not Thy mercies, which confess unto Thee out of my inmost soul. + For he upon that speech burst out of that pit so deep, wherein he was + wilfully plunged, and was blinded with its wretched pastimes; and he shook + his mind with a strong self-command; whereupon all the filths of the + Circensian pastimes flew off from him, nor came he again thither. Upon + this, he prevailed with his unwilling father that he might be my scholar. + He gave way, and gave in. And Alypius beginning to be my hearer again, was + involved in the same superstition with me, loving in the Manichees that + show of continency which he supposed true and unfeigned. Whereas it was a + senseless and seducing continency, ensnaring precious souls, unable as yet + to reach the depth of virtue, yet readily beguiled with the surface of + what was but a shadowy and counterfeit virtue. + </p> + <p> + He, not forsaking that secular course which his parents had charmed him to + pursue, had gone before me to Rome, to study law, and there he was carried + away incredibly with an incredible eagerness after the shows of + gladiators. For being utterly averse to and detesting spectacles, he was + one day by chance met by divers of his acquaintance and fellow-students + coming from dinner, and they with a familiar violence haled him, + vehemently refusing and resisting, into the Amphitheatre, during these + cruel and deadly shows, he thus protesting: "Though you hale my body to + that place, and there set me, can you force me also to turn my mind or my + eyes to those shows? I shall then be absent while present, and so shall + overcome both you and them." They, hearing this, led him on nevertheless, + desirous perchance to try that very thing, whether he could do as he said. + When they were come thither, and had taken their places as they could, the + whole place kindled with that savage pastime. But he, closing the passage + of his eyes, forbade his mind to range abroad after such evil; and would + he had stopped his ears also! For in the fight, when one fell, a mighty + cry of the whole people striking him strongly, overcome by curiosity, and + as if prepared to despise and be superior to it whatsoever it were, even + when seen, he opened his eyes, and was stricken with a deeper wound in his + soul than the other, whom he desired to behold, was in his body; and he + fell more miserably than he upon whose fall that mighty noise was raised, + which entered through his ears, and unlocked his eyes, to make way for the + striking and beating down of a soul, bold rather than resolute, and the + weaker, in that it had presumed on itself, which ought to have relied on + Thee. For so soon as he saw that blood, he therewith drunk down + savageness; nor turned away, but fixed his eye, drinking in frenzy, + unawares, and was delighted with that guilty fight, and intoxicated with + the bloody pastime. Nor was he now the man he came, but one of the throng + he came unto, yea, a true associate of theirs that brought him thither. + Why say more? He beheld, shouted, kindled, carried thence with him the + madness which should goad him to return not only with them who first drew + him thither, but also before them, yea and to draw in others. Yet thence + didst Thou with a most strong and most merciful hand pluck him, and + taughtest him to have confidence not in himself, but in Thee. But this was + after. + </p> + <p> + But this was already being laid up in his memory to be a medicine + hereafter. So was that also, that when he was yet studying under me at + Carthage, and was thinking over at mid-day in the market-place what he was + to say by heart (as scholars use to practise), Thou sufferedst him to be + apprehended by the officers of the market-place for a thief. For no other + cause, I deem, didst Thou, our God, suffer it, but that he who was + hereafter to prove so great a man, should already begin to learn that in + judging of causes, man was not readily to be condemned by man out of a + rash credulity. For as he was walking up and down by himself before the + judgment-seat, with his note-book and pen, lo, a young man, a lawyer, the + real thief, privily bringing a hatchet, got in, unperceived by Alypius, as + far as the leaden gratings which fence in the silversmiths' shops, and + began to cut away the lead. But the noise of the hatchet being heard, the + silversmiths beneath began to make a stir, and sent to apprehend whomever + they should find. But he, hearing their voices, ran away, leaving his + hatchet, fearing to be taken with it. Alypius now, who had not seen him + enter, was aware of his going, and saw with what speed he made away. And + being desirous to know the matter, entered the place; where finding the + hatchet, he was standing, wondering and considering it, when behold, those + that had been sent, find him alone with the hatchet in his hand, the noise + whereof had startled and brought them thither. They seize him, hale him + away, and gathering the dwellers in the market-place together, boast of + having taken a notorious thief, and so he was being led away to be taken + before the judge. + </p> + <p> + But thus far was Alypius to be instructed. For forthwith, O Lord, Thou + succouredst his innocency, whereof Thou alone wert witness. For as he was + being led either to prison or to punishment, a certain architect met them, + who had the chief charge of the public buildings. Glad they were to meet + him especially, by whom they were wont to be suspected of stealing the + goods lost out of the market-place, as though to show him at last by whom + these thefts were committed. He, however, had divers times seen Alypius at + a certain senator's house, to whom he often went to pay his respects; and + recognising him immediately, took him aside by the hand, and enquiring the + occasion of so great a calamity, heard the whole matter, and bade all + present, amid much uproar and threats, to go with him. So they came to the + house of the young man who had done the deed. There, before the door, was + a boy so young as to be likely, not apprehending any harm to his master, + to disclose the whole. For he had attended his master to the market-place. + Whom so soon as Alypius remembered, he told the architect: and he showing + the hatchet to the boy, asked him "Whose that was?" "Ours," quoth he + presently: and being further questioned, he discovered every thing. Thus + the crime being transferred to that house, and the multitude ashamed, + which had begun to insult over Alypius, he who was to be a dispenser of + Thy Word, and an examiner of many causes in Thy Church, went away better + experienced and instructed. + </p> + <p> + Him then I had found at Rome, and he clave to me by a most strong tie, and + went with me to Milan, both that he might not leave me, and might practise + something of the law he had studied, more to please his parents than + himself. There he had thrice sat as Assessor, with an uncorruptness much + wondered at by others, he wondering at others rather who could prefer gold + to honesty. His character was tried besides, not only with the bait of + covetousness, but with the goad of fear. At Rome he was Assessor to the + count of the Italian Treasury. There was at that time a very powerful + senator, to whose favours many stood indebted, many much feared. He would + needs, by his usual power, have a thing allowed him which by the laws was + unallowed. Alypius resisted it: a bribe was promised; with all his heart + he scorned it: threats were held out; he trampled upon them: all wondering + at so unwonted a spirit, which neither desired the friendship, nor feared + the enmity of one so great and so mightily renowned for innumerable means + of doing good or evil. And the very judge, whose councillor Alypius was, + although also unwilling it should be, yet did not openly refuse, but put + the matter off upon Alypius, alleging that he would not allow him to do + it: for in truth had the judge done it, Alypius would have decided + otherwise. With this one thing in the way of learning was he well-nigh + seduced, that he might have books copied for him at Praetorian prices, but + consulting justice, he altered his deliberation for the better; esteeming + equity whereby he was hindered more gainful than the power whereby he were + allowed. These are slight things, but he that is faithful in little, is + faithful also in much. Nor can that any how be void, which proceeded out + of the mouth of Thy Truth: If ye have not been faithful in the unrighteous + Mammon, who will commit to your trust true riches? And if ye have not been + faithful in that which is another man's, who shall give you that which is + your own? He being such, did at that time cleave to me, and with me + wavered in purpose, what course of life was to be taken. + </p> + <p> + Nebridius also, who having left his native country near Carthage, yea and + Carthage itself, where he had much lived, leaving his excellent + family-estate and house, and a mother behind, who was not to follow him, + had come to Milan, for no other reason but that with me he might live in a + most ardent search after truth and wisdom. Like me he sighed, like me he + wavered, an ardent searcher after true life, and a most acute examiner of + the most difficult questions. Thus were there the mouths of three indigent + persons, sighing out their wants one to another, and waiting upon Thee + that Thou mightest give them their meat in due season. And in all the + bitterness which by Thy mercy followed our worldly affairs, as we looked + towards the end, why we should suffer all this, darkness met us; and we + turned away groaning, and saying, How long shall these things be? This too + we often said; and so saying forsook them not, for as yet there dawned + nothing certain, which these forsaken, we might embrace. + </p> + <p> + And I, viewing and reviewing things, most wondered at the length of time + from that my nineteenth year, wherein I had begun to kindle with the + desire of wisdom, settling when I had found her, to abandon all the empty + hopes and lying frenzies of vain desires. And lo, I was now in my + thirtieth year, sticking in the same mire, greedy of enjoying things + present, which passed away and wasted my soul; while I said to myself, + "Tomorrow I shall find it; it will appear manifestly and I shall grasp it; + lo, Faustus the Manichee will come, and clear every thing! O you great + men, ye Academicians, it is true then, that no certainty can be attained + for the ordering of life! Nay, let us search the more diligently, and + despair not. Lo, things in the ecclesiastical books are not absurd to us + now, which sometimes seemed absurd, and may be otherwise taken, and in a + good sense. I will take my stand, where, as a child, my parents placed me, + until the clear truth be found out. But where shall it be sought or when? + Ambrose has no leisure; we have no leisure to read; where shall we find + even the books? Whence, or when procure them? from whom borrow them? Let + set times be appointed, and certain hours be ordered for the health of our + soul. Great hope has dawned; the Catholic Faith teaches not what we + thought, and vainly accused it of; her instructed members hold it profane + to believe God to be bounded by the figure of a human body: and do we + doubt to 'knock,' that the rest 'may be opened'? The forenoons our + scholars take up; what do we during the rest? Why not this? But when then + pay we court to our great friends, whose favour we need? When compose what + we may sell to scholars? When refresh ourselves, unbending our minds from + this intenseness of care? + </p> + <p> + "Perish every thing, dismiss we these empty vanities, and betake ourselves + to the one search for truth! Life is vain, death uncertain; if it steals + upon us on a sudden, in what state shall we depart hence? and where shall + we learn what here we have neglected? and shall we not rather suffer the + punishment of this negligence? What, if death itself cut off and end all + care and feeling? Then must this be ascertained. But God forbid this! It + is no vain and empty thing, that the excellent dignity of the authority of + the Christian Faith hath overspread the whole world. Never would such and + so great things be by God wrought for us, if with the death of the body + the life of the soul came to an end. Wherefore delay then to abandon + worldly hopes, and give ourselves wholly to seek after God and the blessed + life? But wait! Even those things are pleasant; they have some, and no + small sweetness. We must not lightly abandon them, for it were a shame to + return again to them. See, it is no great matter now to obtain some + station, and then what should we more wish for? We have store of powerful + friends; if nothing else offer, and we be in much haste, at least a + presidentship may be given us: and a wife with some money, that she + increase not our charges: and this shall be the bound of desire. Many + great men, and most worthy of imitation, have given themselves to the + study of wisdom in the state of marriage." + </p> + <p> + While I went over these things, and these winds shifted and drove my heart + this way and that, time passed on, but I delayed to turn to the Lord; and + from day to day deferred to live in Thee, and deferred not daily to die in + myself. Loving a happy life, I feared it in its own abode, and sought it, + by fleeing from it. I thought I should be too miserable, unless folded in + female arms; and of the medicine of Thy mercy to cure that infirmity I + thought not, not having tried it. As for continency, I supposed it to be + in our own power (though in myself I did not find that power), being so + foolish as not to know what is written, None can be continent unless Thou + give it; and that Thou wouldest give it, if with inward groanings I did + knock at Thine ears, and with a settled faith did cast my care on Thee. + </p> + <p> + Alypius indeed kept me from marrying; alleging that so could we by no + means with undistracted leisure live together in the love of wisdom, as we + had long desired. For himself was even then most pure in this point, so + that it was wonderful; and that the more, since in the outset of his youth + he had entered into that course, but had not stuck fast therein; rather + had he felt remorse and revolting at it, living thenceforth until now most + continently. But I opposed him with the examples of those who as married + men had cherished wisdom, and served God acceptably, and retained their + friends, and loved them faithfully. Of whose greatness of spirit I was far + short; and bound with the disease of the flesh, and its deadly sweetness, + drew along my chain, dreading to be loosed, and as if my wound had been + fretted, put back his good persuasions, as it were the hand of one that + would unchain me. Moreover, by me did the serpent speak unto Alypius + himself, by my tongue weaving and laying in his path pleasurable snares, + wherein his virtuous and free feet might be entangled. + </p> + <p> + For when he wondered that I, whom he esteemed not slightly, should stick + so fast in the birdlime of that pleasure, as to protest (so oft as we + discussed it) that I could never lead a single life; and urged in my + defence when I saw him wonder, that there was great difference between his + momentary and scarce-remembered knowledge of that life, which so he might + easily despise, and my continued acquaintance whereto if the honourable + name of marriage were added, he ought not to wonder why I could not + contemn that course; he began also to desire to be married; not as + overcome with desire of such pleasure, but out of curiosity. For he would + fain know, he said, what that should be, without which my life, to him so + pleasing, would to me seem not life but a punishment. For his mind, free + from that chain, was amazed at my thraldom; and through that amazement was + going on to a desire of trying it, thence to the trial itself, and thence + perhaps to sink into that bondage whereat he wondered, seeing he was + willing to make a covenant with death; and he that loves danger, shall + fall into it. For whatever honour there be in the office of well-ordering + a married life, and a family, moved us but slightly. But me for the most + part the habit of satisfying an insatiable appetite tormented, while it + held me captive; him, an admiring wonder was leading captive. So were we, + until Thou, O Most High, not forsaking our dust, commiserating us + miserable, didst come to our help, by wondrous and secret ways. + </p> + <p> + Continual effort was made to have me married. I wooed, I was promised, + chiefly through my mother's pains, that so once married, the health-giving + baptism might cleanse me, towards which she rejoiced that I was being + daily fitted, and observed that her prayers, and Thy promises, were being + fulfilled in my faith. At which time verily, both at my request and her + own longing, with strong cries of heart she daily begged of Thee, that + Thou wouldest by a vision discover unto her something concerning my future + marriage; Thou never wouldest. She saw indeed certain vain and fantastic + things, such as the energy of the human spirit, busied thereon, brought + together; and these she told me of, not with that confidence she was wont, + when Thou showedst her any thing, but slighting them. For she could, she + said, through a certain feeling, which in words she could not express, + discern betwixt Thy revelations, and the dreams of her own soul. Yet the + matter was pressed on, and a maiden asked in marriage, two years under the + fit age; and, as pleasing, was waited for. + </p> + <p> + And many of us friends conferring about, and detesting the turbulent + turmoils of human life, had debated and now almost resolved on living + apart from business and the bustle of men; and this was to be thus + obtained; we were to bring whatever we might severally procure, and make + one household of all; so that through the truth of our friendship nothing + should belong especially to any; but the whole thus derived from all, + should as a whole belong to each, and all to all. We thought there might + be some often persons in this society; some of whom were very rich, + especially Romanianus our townsman, from childhood a very familiar friend + of mine, whom the grievous perplexities of his affairs had brought up to + court; who was the most earnest for this project; and therein was his + voice of great weight, because his ample estate far exceeded any of the + rest. We had settled also that two annual officers, as it were, should + provide all things necessary, the rest being undisturbed. But when we + began to consider whether the wives, which some of us already had, others + hoped to have, would allow this, all that plan, which was being so well + moulded, fell to pieces in our hands, was utterly dashed and cast aside. + Thence we betook us to sighs, and groans, and our steps to follow the + broad and beaten ways of the world; for many thoughts were in our heart, + but Thy counsel standeth for ever. Out of which counsel Thou didst deride + ours, and preparedst Thine own; purposing to give us meat in due season, + and to fill our souls with blessing. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile my sins were being multiplied, and my concubine being torn from + my side as a hindrance to my marriage, my heart which clave unto her was + torn and wounded and bleeding. And she returned to Afric, vowing unto Thee + never to know any other man, leaving with me my son by her. But unhappy I, + who could not imitate a very woman, impatient of delay, inasmuch as not + till after two years was I to obtain her I sought not being so much a + lover of marriage as a slave to lust, procured another, though no wife, + that so by the servitude of an enduring custom, the disease of my soul + might be kept up and carried on in its vigour, or even augmented, into the + dominion of marriage. Nor was that my wound cured, which had been made by + the cutting away of the former, but after inflammation and most acute + pain, it mortified, and my pains became less acute, but more desperate. + </p> + <p> + To Thee be praise, glory to Thee, Fountain of mercies. I was becoming more + miserable, and Thou nearer. Thy right hand was continually ready to pluck + me out of the mire, and to wash me thoroughly, and I knew it not; nor did + anything call me back from a yet deeper gulf of carnal pleasures, but the + fear of death, and of Thy judgment to come; which amid all my changes, + never departed from my breast. And in my disputes with my friends Alypius + and Nebridius of the nature of good and evil, I held that Epicurus had in + my mind won the palm, had I not believed that after death there remained a + life for the soul, and places of requital according to men's deserts, + which Epicurus would not believe. And I asked, "were we immortal, and to + live in perpetual bodily pleasure, without fear of losing it, why should + we not be happy, or what else should we seek?" not knowing that great + misery was involved in this very thing, that, being thus sunk and blinded, + I could not discern that light of excellence and beauty, to be embraced + for its own sake, which the eye of flesh cannot see, and is seen by the + inner man. Nor did I, unhappy, consider from what source it sprung, that + even on these things, foul as they were, I with pleasure discoursed with + my friends, nor could I, even according to the notions I then had of + happiness, be happy without friends, amid what abundance soever of carnal + pleasures. And yet these friends I loved for themselves only, and I felt + that I was beloved of them again for myself only. + </p> + <p> + O crooked paths! Woe to the audacious soul, which hoped, by forsaking + Thee, to gain some better thing! Turned it hath, and turned again, upon + back, sides, and belly, yet all was painful; and Thou alone rest. And + behold, Thou art at hand, and deliverest us from our wretched wanderings, + and placest us in Thy way, and dost comfort us, and say, "Run; I will + carry you; yea I will bring you through; there also will I carry you." + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"></a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOOK VII + </h2> + <p> + Deceased was now that my evil and abominable youth, and I was passing into + early manhood; the more defiled by vain things as I grew in years, who + could not imagine any substance, but such as is wont to be seen with these + eyes. I thought not of Thee, O God, under the figure of a human body; + since I began to hear aught of wisdom, I always avoided this; and rejoiced + to have found the same in the faith of our spiritual mother, Thy Catholic + Church. But what else to conceive of Thee I knew not. And I, a man, and + such a man, sought to conceive of Thee the sovereign, only, true God; and + I did in my inmost soul believe that Thou wert incorruptible, and + uninjurable, and unchangeable; because though not knowing whence or how, + yet I saw plainly, and was sure, that that which may be corrupted must be + inferior to that which cannot; what could not be injured I preferred + unhesitatingly to what could receive injury; the unchangeable to things + subject to change. My heart passionately cried out against all my + phantoms, and with this one blow I sought to beat away from the eye of my + mind all that unclean troop which buzzed around it. And lo, being scarce + put off, in the twinkling of an eye they gathered again thick about me, + flew against my face, and beclouded it; so that though not under the form + of the human body, yet was I constrained to conceive of Thee (that + incorruptible, uninjurable, and unchangeable, which I preferred before the + corruptible, and injurable, and changeable) as being in space, whether + infused into the world, or diffused infinitely without it. Because + whatsoever I conceived, deprived of this space, seemed to me nothing, yea + altogether nothing, not even a void, as if a body were taken out of its + place, and the place should remain empty of any body at all, of earth and + water, air and heaven, yet would it remain a void place, as it were a + spacious nothing. + </p> + <p> + I then being thus gross-hearted, nor clear even to myself, whatsoever was + not extended over certain spaces, nor diffused, nor condensed, nor swelled + out, or did not or could not receive some of these dimensions, I thought + to be altogether nothing. For over such forms as my eyes are wont to + range, did my heart then range: nor yet did I see that this same notion of + the mind, whereby I formed those very images, was not of this sort, and + yet it could not have formed them, had not itself been some great thing. + So also did I endeavour to conceive of Thee, Life of my life, as vast, + through infinite spaces on every side penetrating the whole mass of the + universe, and beyond it, every way, through unmeasurable boundless spaces; + so that the earth should have Thee, the heaven have Thee, all things have + Thee, and they be bounded in Thee, and Thou bounded nowhere. For that as + the body of this air which is above the earth, hindereth not the light of + the sun from passing through it, penetrating it, not by bursting or by + cutting, but by filling it wholly: so I thought the body not of heaven, + air, and sea only, but of the earth too, pervious to Thee, so that in all + its parts, the greatest as the smallest, it should admit Thy presence, by + a secret inspiration, within and without, directing all things which Thou + hast created. So I guessed, only as unable to conceive aught else, for it + was false. For thus should a greater part of the earth contain a greater + portion of Thee, and a less, a lesser: and all things should in such sort + be full of Thee, that the body of an elephant should contain more of Thee, + than that of a sparrow, by how much larger it is, and takes up more room; + and thus shouldest Thou make the several portions of Thyself present unto + the several portions of the world, in fragments, large to the large, petty + to the petty. But such art not Thou. But not as yet hadst Thou enlightened + my darkness. + </p> + <p> + It was enough for me, Lord, to oppose to those deceived deceivers, and + dumb praters, since Thy word sounded not out of them;—that was + enough which long ago, while we were yet at Carthage, Nebridius used to + propound, at which all we that heard it were staggered: "That said nation + of darkness, which the Manichees are wont to set as an opposing mass over + against Thee, what could it have done unto Thee, hadst Thou refused to + fight with it? For, if they answered, 'it would have done Thee some hurt,' + then shouldest Thou be subject to injury and corruption: but it could do + Thee no hurt,' then was no reason brought for Thy fighting with it; and + fighting in such wise, as that a certain portion or member of Thee, or + offspring of Thy very Substance, should be mingled with opposed powers, + and natures not created by Thee, and be by them so far corrupted and + changed to the worse, as to be turned from happiness into misery, and need + assistance, whereby it might be extricated and purified; and that this + offspring of Thy Substance was the soul, which being enthralled, defiled, + corrupted, Thy Word, free, pure, and whole, might relieve; that Word + itself being still corruptible because it was of one and the same + Substance. So then, should they affirm Thee, whatsoever Thou art, that is, + Thy Substance whereby Thou art, to be incorruptible, then were all these + sayings false and execrable; but if corruptible, the very statement showed + it to be false and revolting." This argument then of Nebridius sufficed + against those who deserved wholly to be vomited out of the overcharged + stomach; for they had no escape, without horrible blasphemy of heart and + tongue, thus thinking and speaking of Thee. + </p> + <p> + But I also as yet, although I held and was firmly persuaded that Thou our + Lord the true God, who madest not only our souls, but our bodies, and not + only our souls and bodies, but all beings, and all things, wert + undefilable and unalterable, and in no degree mutable; yet understood I + not, clearly and without difficulty, the cause of evil. And yet whatever + it were, I perceived it was in such wise to be sought out, as should not + constrain me to believe the immutable God to be mutable, lest I should + become that evil I was seeking out. I sought it out then, thus far free + from anxiety, certain of the untruth of what these held, from whom I + shrunk with my whole heart: for I saw, that through enquiring the origin + of evil, they were filled with evil, in that they preferred to think that + Thy substance did suffer ill than their own did commit it. + </p> + <p> + And I strained to perceive what I now heard, that free-will was the cause + of our doing ill, and Thy just judgment of our suffering ill. But I was + not able clearly to discern it. So then endeavouring to draw my soul's + vision out of that deep pit, I was again plunged therein, and endeavouring + often, I was plunged back as often. But this raised me a little into Thy + light, that I knew as well that I had a will, as that I lived: when then I + did will or nill any thing, I was most sure that no other than myself did + will and nill: and I all but saw that there was the cause of my sin. But + what I did against my will, I saw that I suffered rather than did, and I + judged not to be my fault, but my punishment; whereby, however, holding + Thee to be just, I speedily confessed myself to be not unjustly punished. + But again I said, Who made me? Did not my God, Who is not only good, but + goodness itself? Whence then came I to will evil and nill good, so that I + am thus justly punished? who set this in me, and ingrafted into me this + plant of bitterness, seeing I was wholly formed by my most sweet God? If + the devil were the author, whence is that same devil? And if he also by + his own perverse will, of a good angel became a devil, whence, again, came + in him that evil will whereby he became a devil, seeing the whole nature + of angels was made by that most good Creator? By these thoughts I was + again sunk down and choked; yet not brought down to that hell of error + (where no man confesseth unto Thee), to think rather that Thou dost suffer + ill, than that man doth it. + </p> + <p> + For I was in such wise striving to find out the rest, as one who had + already found that the incorruptible must needs be better than the + corruptible: and Thee therefore, whatsoever Thou wert, I confessed to be + incorruptible. For never soul was, nor shall be, able to conceive any + thing which may be better than Thou, who art the sovereign and the best + good. But since most truly and certainly, the incorruptible is preferable + to the corruptible (as I did now prefer it), then, wert Thou not + incorruptible, I could in thought have arrived at something better than my + God. Where then I saw the incorruptible to be preferable to the + corruptible, there ought I to seek for Thee, and there observe "wherein + evil itself was"; that is, whence corruption comes, by which Thy substance + can by no means be impaired. For corruption does no ways impair our God; + by no will, by no necessity, by no unlooked-for chance: because He is God, + and what He wills is good, and Himself is that good; but to be corrupted + is not good. Nor art Thou against Thy will constrained to any thing, since + Thy will is not greater than Thy power. But greater should it be, were + Thyself greater than Thyself. For the will and power of God is God + Himself. And what can be unlooked-for by Thee, Who knowest all things? Nor + is there any nature in things, but Thou knowest it. And what should we + more say, "why that substance which God is should not be corruptible," + seeing if it were so, it should not be God? + </p> + <p> + And I sought "whence is evil," and sought in an evil way; and saw not the + evil in my very search. I set now before the sight of my spirit the whole + creation, whatsoever we can see therein (as sea, earth, air, stars, trees, + mortal creatures); yea, and whatever in it we do not see, as the firmament + of heaven, all angels moreover, and all the spiritual inhabitants thereof. + But these very beings, as though they were bodies, did my fancy dispose in + place, and I made one great mass of Thy creation, distinguished as to the + kinds of bodies; some, real bodies, some, what myself had feigned for + spirits. And this mass I made huge, not as it was (which I could not + know), but as I thought convenient, yet every way finite. But Thee, O + Lord, I imagined on every part environing and penetrating it, though every + way infinite: as if there were a sea, every where, and on every side, + through unmeasured space, one only boundless sea, and it contained within + it some sponge, huge, but bounded; that sponge must needs, in all its + parts, be filled from that unmeasurable sea: so conceived I Thy creation, + itself finite, full of Thee, the Infinite; and I said, Behold God, and + behold what God hath created; and God is good, yea, most mightily and + incomparably better than all these: but yet He, the Good, created them + good; and see how He environeth and fulfils them. Where is evil then, and + whence, and how crept it in hither? What is its root, and what its seed? + Or hath it no being? Why then fear we and avoid what is not? Or if we fear + it idly, then is that very fear evil, whereby the soul is thus idly goaded + and racked. Yea, and so much a greater evil, as we have nothing to fear, + and yet do fear. Therefore either is that evil which we fear, or else evil + is, that we fear. Whence is it then? seeing God, the Good, hath created + all these things good. He indeed, the greater and chiefest Good, hath + created these lesser goods; still both Creator and created, all are good. + Whence is evil? Or, was there some evil matter of which He made, and + formed, and ordered it, yet left something in it which He did not convert + into good? Why so then? Had He no might to turn and change the whole, so + that no evil should remain in it, seeing He is All-mighty? Lastly, why + would He make any thing at all of it, and not rather by the same + All-mightiness cause it not to be at all? Or, could it then be against His + will? Or if it were from eternity, why suffered He it so to be for + infinite spaces of times past, and was pleased so long after to make + something out of it? Or if He were suddenly pleased now to effect + somewhat, this rather should the All-mighty have effected, that this evil + matter should not be, and He alone be, the whole, true, sovereign, and + infinite Good. Or if it was not good that He who was good should not also + frame and create something that were good, then, that evil matter being + taken away and brought to nothing, He might form good matter, whereof to + create all things. For He should not be All-mighty, if He might not create + something good without the aid of that matter which Himself had not + created. These thoughts I revolved in my miserable heart, overcharged with + most gnawing cares, lest I should die ere I had found the truth; yet was + the faith of Thy Christ, our Lord and Saviour, professed in the Church + Catholic, firmly fixed in my heart, in many points, indeed, as yet + unformed, and fluctuating from the rule of doctrine; yet did not my mind + utterly leave it, but rather daily took in more and more of it. + </p> + <p> + By this time also had I rejected the lying divinations and impious dotages + of the astrologers. Let Thine own mercies, out of my very inmost soul, + confess unto Thee for this also, O my God. For Thou, Thou altogether (for + who else calls us back from the death of all errors, save the Life which + cannot die, and the Wisdom which needing no light enlightens the minds + that need it, whereby the universe is directed, down to the whirling + leaves of trees?)—Thou madest provision for my obstinacy wherewith I + struggled against Vindicianus, an acute old man, and Nebridius, a young + man of admirable talents; the first vehemently affirming, and the latter + often (though with some doubtfulness) saying, "That there was no such art + whereby to foresee things to come, but that men's conjectures were a sort + of lottery, and that out of many things which they said should come to + pass, some actually did, unawares to them who spake it, who stumbled upon + it, through their oft speaking." Thou providedst then a friend for me, no + negligent consulter of the astrologers; nor yet well skilled in those + arts, but (as I said) a curious consulter with them, and yet knowing + something, which he said he had heard of his father, which how far it went + to overthrow the estimation of that art, he knew not. This man then, + Firminus by name, having had a liberal education, and well taught in + Rhetoric, consulted me, as one very dear to him, what, according to his + so-called constellations, I thought on certain affairs of his, wherein his + worldly hopes had risen, and I, who had herein now begun to incline + towards Nebridius' opinion, did not altogether refuse to conjecture, and + tell him what came into my unresolved mind; but added, that I was now + almost persuaded that these were but empty and ridiculous follies. + Thereupon he told me that his father had been very curious in such books, + and had a friend as earnest in them as himself, who with joint study and + conference fanned the flame of their affections to these toys, so that + they would observe the moments whereat the very dumb animals, which bred + about their houses, gave birth, and then observed the relative position of + the heavens, thereby to make fresh experiments in this so-called art. He + said then that he had heard of his father, that what time his mother was + about to give birth to him, Firminus, a woman-servant of that friend of + his father's was also with child, which could not escape her master, who + took care with most exact diligence to know the births of his very + puppies. And so it was that (the one for his wife, and the other for his + servant, with the most careful observation, reckoning days, hours, nay, + the lesser divisions of the hours) both were delivered at the same + instant; so that both were constrained to allow the same constellations, + even to the minutest points, the one for his son, the other for his + new-born slave. For so soon as the women began to be in labour, they each + gave notice to the other what was fallen out in their houses, and had + messengers ready to send to one another so soon as they had notice of the + actual birth, of which they had easily provided, each in his own province, + to give instant intelligence. Thus then the messengers of the respective + parties met, he averred, at such an equal distance from either house that + neither of them could make out any difference in the position of the + stars, or any other minutest points; and yet Firminus, born in a high + estate in his parents' house, ran his course through the gilded paths of + life, was increased in riches, raised to honours; whereas that slave + continued to serve his masters, without any relaxation of his yoke, as + Firminus, who knew him, told me. + </p> + <p> + Upon hearing and believing these things, told by one of such credibility, + all that my resistance gave way; and first I endeavoured to reclaim + Firminus himself from that curiosity, by telling him that upon inspecting + his constellations, I ought if I were to predict truly, to have seen in + them parents eminent among their neighbours, a noble family in its own + city, high birth, good education, liberal learning. But if that servant + had consulted me upon the same constellations, since they were his also, I + ought again (to tell him too truly) to see in them a lineage the most + abject, a slavish condition, and every thing else utterly at variance with + the former. Whence then, if I spake the truth, I should, from the same + constellations, speak diversely, or if I spake the same, speak falsely: + thence it followed most certainly that whatever, upon consideration of the + constellations, was spoken truly, was spoken not out of art, but chance; + and whatever spoken falsely, was not out of ignorance in the art, but the + failure of the chance. + </p> + <p> + An opening thus made, ruminating with myself on the like things, that no + one of those dotards (who lived by such a trade, and whom I longed to + attack, and with derision to confute) might urge against me that Firminus + had informed me falsely, or his father him; I bent my thoughts on those + that are born twins, who for the most part come out of the womb so near + one to other, that the small interval (how much force soever in the nature + of things folk may pretend it to have) cannot be noted by human + observation, or be at all expressed in those figures which the astrologer + is to inspect, that he may pronounce truly. Yet they cannot be true: for + looking into the same figures, he must have predicted the same of Esau and + Jacob, whereas the same happened not to them. Therefore he must speak + falsely; or if truly, then, looking into the same figures, he must not + give the same answer. Not by art, then, but by chance, would he speak + truly. For Thou, O Lord, most righteous Ruler of the Universe, while + consulters and consulted know it not, dost by Thy hidden inspiration + effect that the consulter should hear what, according to the hidden + deservings of souls, he ought to hear, out of the unsearchable depth of + Thy just judgment, to Whom let no man say, What is this? Why that? Let him + not so say, for he is man. + </p> + <p> + Now then, O my Helper, hadst Thou loosed me from those fetters: and I + sought "whence is evil," and found no way. But Thou sufferedst me not by + any fluctuations of thought to be carried away from the Faith whereby I + believed Thee both to be, and Thy substance to be unchangeable, and that + Thou hast a care of, and wouldest judge men, and that in Christ, Thy Son, + Our Lord, and the holy Scriptures, which the authority of Thy Catholic + Church pressed upon me, Thou hadst set the way of man's salvation, to that + life which is to be after this death. These things being safe and + immovably settled in my mind, I sought anxiously "whence was evil?" What + were the pangs of my teeming heart, what groans, O my God! yet even there + were Thine ears open, and I knew it not; and when in silence I vehemently + sought, those silent contritions of my soul were strong cries unto Thy + mercy. Thou knewest what I suffered, and no man. For, what was that which + was thence through my tongue distilled into the ears of my most familiar + friends? Did the whole tumult of my soul, for which neither time nor + utterance sufficed, reach them? Yet went up the whole to Thy hearing, all + which I roared out from the groanings of my heart; and my desire was + before Thee, and the light of mine eyes was not with me: for that was + within, I without: nor was that confined to place, but I was intent on + things contained in place, but there found I no resting-place, nor did + they so receive me, that I could say, "It is enough," "it is well": nor + did they yet suffer me to turn back, where it might be well enough with + me. For to these things was I superior, but inferior to Thee; and Thou art + my true joy when subjected to Thee, and Thou hadst subjected to me what + Thou createdst below me. And this was the true temperament, and middle + region of my safety, to remain in Thy Image, and by serving Thee, rule the + body. But when I rose proudly against Thee, and ran against the Lord with + my neck, with the thick bosses of my buckler, even these inferior things + were set above me, and pressed me down, and no where was there respite or + space of breathing. They met my sight on all sides by heaps and troops, + and in thought the images thereof presented themselves unsought, as I + would return to Thee, as if they would say unto me, "Whither goest thou, + unworthy and defiled?" And these things had grown out of my wound; for + Thou "humbledst the proud like one that is wounded," and through my own + swelling was I separated from Thee; yea, my pride-swollen face closed up + mine eyes. + </p> + <p> + But Thou, Lord, abidest for ever, yet not for ever art Thou angry with us; + because Thou pitiest our dust and ashes, and it was pleasing in Thy sight + to reform my deformities; and by inward goads didst Thou rouse me, that I + should be ill at ease, until Thou wert manifested to my inward sight. + Thus, by the secret hand of Thy medicining was my swelling abated, and the + troubled and bedimmed eyesight of my mind, by the smarting anointings of + healthful sorrows, was from day to day healed. + </p> + <p> + And Thou, willing first to show me how Thou resistest the proud, but + givest grace unto the humble, and by how great an act of Thy mercy Thou + hadst traced out to men the way of humility, in that Thy Word was made + flesh, and dwelt among men:—Thou procuredst for me, by means of one + puffed up with most unnatural pride, certain books of the Platonists, + translated from Greek into Latin. And therein I read, not indeed in the + very words, but to the very same purpose, enforced by many and divers + reasons, that In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, + and the Word was God: the Same was in the beginning with God: all things + were made by Him, and without Him was nothing made: that which was made by + Him is life, and the life was the light of men, and the light shineth in + the darkness, and the darkness comprehended it not. And that the soul of + man, though it bears witness to the light, yet itself is not that light; + but the Word of God, being God, is that true light that lighteth every man + that cometh into the world. And that He was in the world, and the world + was made by Him, and the world knew Him not. But, that He came unto His + own, and His own received Him not; but as many as received Him, to them + gave He power to become the sons of God, as many as believed in His name; + this I read not there. + </p> + <p> + Again I read there, that God the Word was born not of flesh nor of blood, + nor of the will of man, nor of the will of the flesh, but of God. But that + the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, I read not there. For I + traced in those books that it was many and divers ways said, that the Son + was in the form of the Father, and thought it not robbery to be equal with + God, for that naturally He was the Same Substance. But that He emptied + Himself, taking the form of a servant, being made in the likeness of men, + and found in fashion as a man, humbled Himself, and became obedient unto + death, and that the death of the cross: wherefore God exalted Him from the + dead, and gave Him a name above every name, that at the name of Jesus + every knee should how, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and + things under the earth; and that every tongue should confess that the Lord + Jesus Christ is in the glory of God the Father; those books have not. For + that before all times and above all times Thy Only-Begotten Son remaineth + unchangeable, co-eternal with Thee, and that of His fulness souls receive, + that they may be blessed; and that by participation of wisdom abiding in + them, they are renewed, so as to be wise, is there. But that in due time + He died for the ungodly; and that Thou sparedst not Thine Only Son, but + deliveredst Him for us all, is not there. For Thou hiddest these things + from the wise, and revealedst them to babes; that they that labour and are + heavy laden might come unto Him, and He refresh them, because He is meek + and lowly in heart; and the meek He directeth in judgment, and the gentle + He teacheth His ways, beholding our lowliness and trouble, and forgiving + all our sins. But such as are lifted up in the lofty walk of some would-be + sublimer learning, hear not Him, saying, Learn of Me, for I am meek and + lowly in heart, and ye shall find rest to your souls. Although they knew + God, yet they glorify Him not as God, nor are thankful, but wax vain in + their thoughts; and their foolish heart is darkened; professing that they + were wise, they became fools. + </p> + <p> + And therefore did I read there also, that they had changed the glory of + Thy incorruptible nature into idols and divers shapes, into the likeness + of the image of corruptible man, and birds, and beasts, and creeping + things; namely, into that Egyptian food for which Esau lost his + birthright, for that Thy first-born people worshipped the head of a + four-footed beast instead of Thee; turning in heart back towards Egypt; + and bowing Thy image, their own soul, before the image of a calf that + eateth hay. These things found I here, but I fed not on them. For it + pleased Thee, O Lord, to take away the reproach of diminution from Jacob, + that the elder should serve the younger: and Thou calledst the Gentiles + into Thine inheritance. And I had come to Thee from among the Gentiles; + and I set my mind upon the gold which Thou willedst Thy people to take + from Egypt, seeing Thine it was, wheresoever it were. And to the Athenians + Thou saidst by Thy Apostle, that in Thee we live, move, and have our + being, as one of their own poets had said. And verily these books came + from thence. But I set not my mind on the idols of Egypt, whom they served + with Thy gold, who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and + served the creature more than the Creator. + </p> + <p> + And being thence admonished to return to myself, I entered even into my + inward self, Thou being my Guide: and able I was, for Thou wert become my + Helper. And I entered and beheld with the eye of my soul (such as it was), + above the same eye of my soul, above my mind, the Light Unchangeable. Not + this ordinary light, which all flesh may look upon, nor as it were a + greater of the same kind, as though the brightness of this should be + manifold brighter, and with its greatness take up all space. Not such was + this light, but other, yea, far other from these. Nor was it above my + soul, as oil is above water, nor yet as heaven above earth: but above to + my soul, because It made me; and I below It, because I was made by It. He + that knows the Truth, knows what that Light is; and he that knows It, + knows eternity. Love knoweth it. O Truth Who art Eternity! and Love Who + art Truth! and Eternity Who art Love! Thou art my God, to Thee do I sigh + night and day. Thee when I first knew, Thou liftedst me up, that I might + see there was what I might see, and that I was not yet such as to see. And + Thou didst beat back the weakness of my sight, streaming forth Thy beams + of light upon me most strongly, and I trembled with love and awe: and I + perceived myself to be far off from Thee, in the region of unlikeness, as + if I heard this Thy voice from on high: "I am the food of grown men, grow, + and thou shalt feed upon Me; nor shalt thou convert Me, like the food of + thy flesh into thee, but thou shalt be converted into Me." And I learned, + that Thou for iniquity chastenest man, and Thou madest my soul to consume + away like a spider. And I said, "Is Truth therefore nothing because it is + not diffused through space finite or infinite?" And Thou criedst to me + from afar: "Yet verily, I AM that I AM." And I heard, as the heart + heareth, nor had I room to doubt, and I should sooner doubt that I live + than that Truth is not, which is clearly seen, being understood by those + things which are made. + </p> + <p> + And I beheld the other things below Thee, and I perceived that they + neither altogether are, nor altogether are not, for they are, since they + are from Thee, but are not, because they are not what Thou art. For that + truly is which remains unchangeably. It is good then for me to hold fast + unto God; for if I remain not in Him, I cannot in myself; but He + remaining in Himself, reneweth all things. And Thou art the Lord my God, + since Thou standest not in need of my goodness. + </p> + <p> + And it was manifested unto me, that those things be good which yet are + corrupted; which neither were they sovereignly good, nor unless they were + good could be corrupted: for if sovereignly good, they were incorruptible, + if not good at all, there were nothing in them to be corrupted. For + corruption injures, but unless it diminished goodness, it could not + injure. Either then corruption injures not, which cannot be; or which is + most certain, all which is corrupted is deprived of good. But if they be + deprived of all good, they shall cease to be. For if they shall be, and + can now no longer be corrupted, they shall be better than before, because + they shall abide incorruptibly. And what more monstrous than to affirm + things to become better by losing all their good? Therefore, if they shall + be deprived of all good, they shall no longer be. So long therefore as + they are, they are good: therefore whatsoever is, is good. That evil then + which I sought, whence it is, is not any substance: for were it a + substance, it should be good. For either it should be an incorruptible + substance, and so a chief good: or a corruptible substance; which unless + it were good, could not be corrupted. I perceived therefore, and it was + manifested to me that Thou madest all things good, nor is there any + substance at all, which Thou madest not; and for that Thou madest not all + things equal, therefore are all things; because each is good, and + altogether very good, because our God made all things very good. + </p> + <p> + And to Thee is nothing whatsoever evil: yea, not only to Thee, but also to + Thy creation as a whole, because there is nothing without, which may break + in, and corrupt that order which Thou hast appointed it. But in the parts + thereof some things, because unharmonising with other some, are accounted + evil: whereas those very things harmonise with others, and are good; and + in themselves are good. And all these things which harmonise not together, + do yet with the inferior part, which we call Earth, having its own cloudy + and windy sky harmonising with it. Far be it then that I should say, + "These things should not be": for should I see nought but these, I should + indeed long for the better; but still must even for these alone praise + Thee; for that Thou art to be praised, do show from the earth, dragons, + and all deeps, fire, hail, snow, ice, and stormy wind, which fulfil Thy + word; mountains, and all hills, fruitful trees, and all cedars; beasts, + and all cattle, creeping things, and flying fowls; kings of the earth, and + all people, princes, and all judges of the earth; young men and maidens, + old men and young, praise Thy Name. But when, from heaven, these praise + Thee, praise Thee, our God, in the heights all Thy angels, all Thy hosts, + sun and moon, all the stars and light, the Heaven of heavens, and the + waters that be above the heavens, praise Thy Name; I did not now long for + things better, because I conceived of all: and with a sounder judgment I + apprehended that the things above were better than these below, but + altogether better than those above by themselves. + </p> + <p> + There is no soundness in them, whom aught of Thy creation displeaseth: as + neither in me, when much which Thou hast made, displeased me. And because + my soul durst not be displeased at my God, it would fain not account that + Thine, which displeased it. Hence it had gone into the opinion of two + substances, and had no rest, but talked idly. And returning thence, it had + made to itself a God, through infinite measures of all space; and thought + it to be Thee, and placed it in its heart; and had again become the temple + of its own idol, to Thee abominable. But after Thou hadst soothed my head, + unknown to me, and closed mine eyes that they should not behold vanity, I + ceased somewhat of my former self, and my frenzy was lulled to sleep; and + I awoke in Thee, and saw Thee infinite, but in another way, and this sight + was not derived from the flesh. + </p> + <p> + And I looked back on other things; and I saw that they owed their being to + Thee; and were all bounded in Thee: but in a different way; not as being + in space; but because Thou containest all things in Thine hand in Thy + Truth; and all things are true so far as they nor is there any falsehood, + unless when that is thought to be, which is not. And I saw that all things + did harmonise, not with their places only, but with their seasons. And + that Thou, who only art Eternal, didst not begin to work after innumerable + spaces of times spent; for that all spaces of times, both which have + passed, and which shall pass, neither go nor come, but through Thee, + working and abiding. + </p> + <p> + And I perceived and found it nothing strange, that bread which is pleasant + to a healthy palate is loathsome to one distempered: and to sore eyes + light is offensive, which to the sound is delightful. And Thy + righteousness displeaseth the wicked; much more the viper and reptiles, + which Thou hast created good, fitting in with the inferior portions of Thy + Creation, with which the very wicked also fit in; and that the more, by + how much they be unlike Thee; but with the superior creatures, by how much + they become more like to Thee. And I enquired what iniquity was, and found + it to be no substance, but the perversion of the will, turned aside from + Thee, O God, the Supreme, towards these lower things, and casting out its + bowels, and puffed up outwardly. + </p> + <p> + And I wondered that I now loved Thee, and no phantasm for Thee. And yet + did I not press on to enjoy my God; but was borne up to Thee by Thy + beauty, and soon borne down from Thee by mine own weight, sinking with + sorrow into these inferior things. This weight was carnal custom. Yet + dwelt there with me a remembrance of Thee; nor did I any way doubt that + there was One to whom I might cleave, but that I was not yet such as to + cleave to Thee: for that the body which is corrupted presseth down the + soul, and the earthly tabernacle weigheth down the mind that museth upon + many things. And most certain I was, that Thy invisible works from the + creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things + that are made, even Thy eternal power and Godhead. For examining whence it + was that I admired the beauty of bodies celestial or terrestrial; and what + aided me in judging soundly on things mutable, and pronouncing, "This + ought to be thus, this not"; examining, I say, whence it was that I so + judged, seeing I did so judge, I had found the unchangeable and true + Eternity of Truth above my changeable mind. And thus by degrees I passed + from bodies to the soul, which through the bodily senses perceives; and + thence to its inward faculty, to which the bodily senses represent things + external, whitherto reach the faculties of beasts; and thence again to the + reasoning faculty, to which what is received from the senses of the body, + is referred to be judged. Which finding itself also to be in me a thing + variable, raised itself up to its own understanding, and drew away my + thoughts from the power of habit, withdrawing itself from those troops of + contradictory phantasms; that so it might find what that light was whereby + it was bedewed, when, without all doubting, it cried out, "That the + unchangeable was to be preferred to the changeable"; whence also it knew + That Unchangeable, which, unless it had in some way known, it had had no + sure ground to prefer it to the changeable. And thus with the flash of one + trembling glance it arrived at THAT WHICH IS. And then I saw Thy invisible + things understood by the things which are made. But I could not fix my + gaze thereon; and my infirmity being struck back, I was thrown again on my + wonted habits, carrying along with me only a loving memory thereof, and a + longing for what I had, as it were, perceived the odour of, but was not + yet able to feed on. + </p> + <p> + Then I sought a way of obtaining strength sufficient to enjoy Thee; and + found it not, until I embraced that Mediator betwixt God and men, the Man + Christ Jesus, who is over all, God blessed for evermore, calling unto me, + and saying, I am the way, the truth, and the life, and mingling that food + which I was unable to receive, with our flesh. For, the Word was made + flesh, that Thy wisdom, whereby Thou createdst all things, might provide + milk for our infant state. For I did not hold to my Lord Jesus Christ, I, + humbled, to the Humble; nor knew I yet whereto His infirmity would guide + us. For Thy Word, the Eternal Truth, far above the higher parts of Thy + Creation, raises up the subdued unto Itself: but in this lower world built + for Itself a lowly habitation of our clay, whereby to abase from + themselves such as would be subdued, and bring them over to Himself; + allaying their swelling, and fomenting their love; to the end they might + go on no further in self-confidence, but rather consent to become weak, + seeing before their feet the Divinity weak by taking our coats of skin; + and wearied, might cast themselves down upon It, and It rising, might lift + them up. + </p> + <p> + But I thought otherwise; conceiving only of my Lord Christ as of a man of + excellent wisdom, whom no one could be equalled unto; especially, for that + being wonderfully born of a Virgin, He seemed, in conformity therewith, + through the Divine care for us, to have attained that great eminence of + authority, for an ensample of despising things temporal for the obtaining + of immortality. But what mystery there lay in "The Word was made flesh," I + could not even imagine. Only I had learnt out of what is delivered to us + in writing of Him that He did eat, and drink, sleep, walk, rejoiced in + spirit, was sorrowful, discoursed; that flesh did not cleave by itself + unto Thy Word, but with the human soul and mind. All know this who know + the unchangeableness of Thy Word, which I now knew, as far as I could, nor + did I at all doubt thereof. For, now to move the limbs of the body by + will, now not, now to be moved by some affection, now not, now to deliver + wise sayings through human signs, now to keep silence, belong to soul and + mind subject to variation. And should these things be falsely written of + Him, all the rest also would risk the charge, nor would there remain in + those books any saving faith for mankind. Since then they were written + truly, I acknowledged a perfect man to be in Christ; not the body of a man + only, nor, with the body, a sensitive soul without a rational, but very + man; whom, not only as being a form of Truth, but for a certain great + excellence of human nature and a more perfect participation of wisdom, I + judged to be preferred before others. But Alypius imagined the Catholics + to believe God to be so clothed with flesh, that besides God and flesh, + there was no soul at all in Christ, and did not think that a human mind + was ascribed to Him. And because he was well persuaded that the actions + recorded of Him could only be performed by a vital and a rational + creature, he moved the more slowly towards the Christian Faith. But + understanding afterwards that this was the error of the Apollinarian + heretics, he joyed in and was conformed to the Catholic Faith. But + somewhat later, I confess, did I learn how in that saying, The Word was + made flesh, the Catholic truth is distinguished from the falsehood of + Photinus. For the rejection of heretics makes the tenets of Thy Church and + sound doctrine to stand out more clearly. For there must also be heresies, + that the approved may be made manifest among the weak. + </p> + <p> + But having then read those books of the Platonists, and thence been taught + to search for incorporeal truth, I saw Thy invisible things, understood by + those things which are made; and though cast back, I perceived what that + was which through the darkness of my mind I was hindered from + contemplating, being assured "That Thou wert, and wert infinite, and yet + not diffused in space, finite or infinite; and that Thou truly art Who art + the same ever, in no part nor motion varying; and that all other things + are from Thee, on this most sure ground alone, that they are." Of these + things I was assured, yet too unsure to enjoy Thee. I prated as one well + skilled; but had I not sought Thy way in Christ our Saviour, I had proved + to be, not skilled, but killed. For now I had begun to wish to seem wise, + being filled with mine own punishment, yet I did not mourn, but rather + scorn, puffed up with knowledge. For where was that charity building upon + the foundation of humility, which is Christ Jesus? or when should these + books teach me it? Upon these, I believe, Thou therefore willedst that I + should fall, before I studied Thy Scriptures, that it might be imprinted + on my memory how I was affected by them; and that afterwards when my + spirits were tamed through Thy books, and my wounds touched by Thy healing + fingers, I might discern and distinguish between presumption and + confession; between those who saw whither they were to go, yet saw not the + way, and the way that leadeth not to behold only but to dwell in the + beatific country. For had I first been formed in Thy Holy Scriptures, and + hadst Thou in the familiar use of them grown sweet unto me, and had I then + fallen upon those other volumes, they might perhaps have withdrawn me from + the solid ground of piety, or, had I continued in that healthful frame + which I had thence imbibed, I might have thought that it might have been + obtained by the study of those books alone. + </p> + <p> + Most eagerly then did I seize that venerable writing of Thy Spirit; and + chiefly the Apostle Paul. Whereupon those difficulties vanished away, + wherein he once seemed to me to contradict himself, and the text of his + discourse not to agree with the testimonies of the Law and the Prophets. + And the face of that pure word appeared to me one and the same; and I + learned to rejoice with trembling. So I began; and whatsoever truth I had + read in those other books, I found here amid the praise of Thy Grace; that + whoso sees, may not so glory as if he had not received, not only what he + sees, but also that he sees (for what hath he, which he hath not + received?), and that he may be not only admonished to behold Thee, who art + ever the same, but also healed, to hold Thee; and that he who cannot see + afar off, may yet walk on the way, whereby he may arrive, and behold, and + hold Thee. For, though a man be delighted with the law of God after the + inner man, what shall he do with that other law in his members which + warreth against the law of his mind, and bringeth him into captivity to + the law of sin which is in his members? For, Thou art righteous, O Lord, + but we have sinned and committed iniquity, and have done wickedly, and Thy + hand is grown heavy upon us, and we are justly delivered over unto that + ancient sinner, the king of death; because he persuaded our will to be + like his will whereby he abode not in Thy truth. What shall wretched man + do? who shall deliver him from the body of his death, but only Thy Grace, + through Jesus Christ our Lord, whom Thou hast begotten co-eternal, and + formedst in the beginning of Thy ways, in whom the prince of this world + found nothing worthy of death, yet killed he Him; and the handwriting, + which was contrary to us, was blotted out? This those writings contain + not. Those pages present not the image of this piety, the tears of + confession, Thy sacrifice, a troubled spirit, a broken and a contrite + heart, the salvation of the people, the Bridal City, the earnest of the + Holy Ghost, the Cup of our Redemption. No man sings there, Shall not my + soul be submitted unto God? for of Him cometh my salvation. For He is my + God and my salvation, my guardian, I shall no more be moved. No one there + hears Him call, Come unto Me, all ye that labour. They scorn to learn of + Him, because He is meek and lowly in heart; for these things hast Thou hid + from the wise and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes. For it is + one thing, from the mountain's shaggy top to see the land of peace, and to + find no way thither; and in vain to essay through ways unpassable, opposed + and beset by fugitives and deserters, under their captain the lion and the + dragon: and another to keep on the way that leads thither, guarded by the + host of the heavenly General; where they spoil not who have deserted the + heavenly army; for they avoid it, as very torment. These things did + wonderfully sink into my bowels, when I read that least of Thy Apostles, + and had meditated upon Thy works, and trembled exceedingly. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"></a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOOK VIII + </h2> + <p> + O my God, let me, with thanksgiving, remember, and confess unto Thee Thy + mercies on me. Let my bones be bedewed with Thy love, and let them say + unto Thee, Who is like unto Thee, O Lord? Thou hast broken my bonds in + sunder, I will offer unto Thee the sacrifice of thanksgiving. And how Thou + hast broken them, I will declare; and all who worship Thee, when they hear + this, shall say, "Blessed be the Lord, in heaven and in earth, great and + wonderful is his name." Thy words had stuck fast in my heart, and I was + hedged round about on all sides by Thee. Of Thy eternal life I was now + certain, though I saw it in a figure and as through a glass. Yet I had + ceased to doubt that there was an incorruptible substance, whence was all + other substance; nor did I now desire to be more certain of Thee, but more + steadfast in Thee. But for my temporal life, all was wavering, and my + heart had to be purged from the old leaven. The Way, the Saviour Himself, + well pleased me, but as yet I shrunk from going through its straitness. + And Thou didst put into my mind, and it seemed good in my eyes, to go to + Simplicianus, who seemed to me a good servant of Thine; and Thy grace + shone in him. I had heard also that from his very youth he had lived most + devoted unto Thee. Now he was grown into years; and by reason of so great + age spent in such zealous following of Thy ways, he seemed to me likely to + have learned much experience; and so he had. Out of which store I wished + that he would tell me (setting before him my anxieties) which were the + fittest way for one in my case to walk in Thy paths. + </p> + <p> + For, I saw the church full; and one went this way, and another that way. + But I was displeased that I led a secular life; yea now that my desires no + longer inflamed me, as of old, with hopes of honour and profit, a very + grievous burden it was to undergo so heavy a bondage. For, in comparison + of Thy sweetness, and the beauty of Thy house which I loved, those things + delighted me no longer. But still I was enthralled with the love of woman; + nor did the Apostle forbid me to marry, although he advised me to + something better, chiefly wishing that all men were as himself was. But I + being weak, chose the more indulgent place; and because of this alone, was + tossed up and down in all beside, faint and wasted with withering cares, + because in other matters I was constrained against my will to conform + myself to a married life, to which I was given up and enthralled. I had + heard from the mouth of the Truth, that there were some eunuchs which had + made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake: but, saith He, + let him who can receive it, receive it. Surely vain are all men who are + ignorant of God, and could not out of the good things which are seen, find + out Him who is good. But I was no longer in that vanity; I had surmounted + it; and by the common witness of all Thy creatures had found Thee our + Creator, and Thy Word, God with Thee, and together with Thee one God, by + whom Thou createdst all things. There is yet another kind of ungodly, who + knowing God, glorified Him not as God, neither were thankful. Into this + also had I fallen, but Thy right hand upheld me, and took me thence, and + Thou placedst me where I might recover. For Thou hast said unto man, + Behold, the fear of the Lord is wisdom, and, Desire not to seem wise; + because they who affirmed themselves to be wise, became fools. But I had + now found the goodly pearl, which, selling all that I had, I ought to have + bought, and I hesitated. + </p> + <p> + To Simplicianus then I went, the father of Ambrose (a Bishop now) in + receiving Thy grace, and whom Ambrose truly loved as a father. To him I + related the mazes of my wanderings. But when I mentioned that I had read + certain books of the Platonists, which Victorinus, sometime Rhetoric + Professor of Rome (who had died a Christian, as I had heard), had + translated into Latin, he testified his joy that I had not fallen upon the + writings of other philosophers, full of fallacies and deceits, after the + rudiments of this world, whereas the Platonists many ways led to the + belief in God and His Word. Then to exhort me to the humility of Christ, + hidden from the wise, and revealed to little ones, he spoke of Victorinus + himself, whom while at Rome he had most intimately known: and of him he + related what I will not conceal. For it contains great praise of Thy + grace, to be confessed unto Thee, how that aged man, most learned and + skilled in the liberal sciences, and who had read, and weighed so many + works of the philosophers; the instructor of so many noble Senators, who + also, as a monument of his excellent discharge of his office, had (which + men of this world esteem a high honour) both deserved and obtained a + statue in the Roman Forum; he, to that age a worshipper of idols, and a + partaker of the sacrilegious rites, to which almost all the nobility of + Rome were given up, and had inspired the people with the love of + </p> + +<p class="poem"> + Anubis, barking Deity, and all<br/> + The monster Gods of every kind, who fought<br/> + 'Gainst Neptune, Venus, and Minerva: +</p> + +<p class="noindent"> + whom Rome once conquered, now adored, all which the aged Victorinus had + with thundering eloquence so many years defended;—he now blushed not + to be the child of Thy Christ, and the new-born babe of Thy fountain; + submitting his neck to the yoke of humility, and subduing his forehead to + the reproach of the Cross. + </p> + <p> + O Lord, Lord, Which hast bowed the heavens and come down, touched the + mountains and they did smoke, by what means didst Thou convey Thyself into + that breast? He used to read (as Simplicianus said) the holy Scripture, + most studiously sought and searched into all the Christian writings, and + said to Simplicianus (not openly, but privately and as a friend), + "Understand that I am already a Christian." Whereto he answered, "I will + not believe it, nor will I rank you among Christians, unless I see you in + the Church of Christ." The other, in banter, replied, "Do walls then make + Christians?" And this he often said, that he was already a Christian; and + Simplicianus as often made the same answer, and the conceit of the "walls" + was by the other as often renewed. For he feared to offend his friends, + proud daemon-worshippers, from the height of whose Babylonian dignity, as + from cedars of Libanus, which the Lord had not yet broken down, he + supposed the weight of enmity would fall upon him. But after that by + reading and earnest thought he had gathered firmness, and feared to be + denied by Christ before the holy angels, should he now be afraid to + confess Him before men, and appeared to himself guilty of a heavy offence, + in being ashamed of the Sacraments of the humility of Thy Word, and not + being ashamed of the sacrilegious rites of those proud daemons, whose + pride he had imitated and their rites adopted, he became bold-faced + against vanity, and shame-faced towards the truth, and suddenly and + unexpectedly said to Simplicianus (as himself told me), "Go we to the + Church; I wish to be made a Christian." But he, not containing himself for + joy, went with him. And having been admitted to the first Sacrament and + become a Catechumen, not long after he further gave in his name, that he + might be regenerated by baptism, Rome wondering, the Church rejoicing. The + proud saw, and were wroth; they gnashed with their teeth, and melted away. + But the Lord God was the hope of Thy servant, and he regarded not vanities + and lying madness. + </p> + <p> + To conclude, when the hour was come for making profession of his faith + (which at Rome they, who are about to approach to Thy grace, deliver, from + an elevated place, in the sight of all the faithful, in a set form of + words committed to memory), the presbyters, he said, offered Victorinus + (as was done to such as seemed likely through bashfulness to be alarmed) + to make his profession more privately: but he chose rather to profess his + salvation in the presence of the holy multitude. "For it was not salvation + that he taught in rhetoric, and yet that he had publicly professed: how + much less then ought he, when pronouncing Thy word, to dread Thy meek + flock, who, when delivering his own words, had not feared a mad + multitude!" When, then, he went up to make his profession, all, as they + knew him, whispered his name one to another with the voice of + congratulation. And who there knew him not? and there ran a low murmur + through all the mouths of the rejoicing multitude, Victorinus! Victorinus! + Sudden was the burst of rapture, that they saw him; suddenly were they + hushed that they might hear him. He pronounced the true faith with an + excellent boldness, and all wished to draw him into their very heart; yea + by their love and joy they drew him thither, such were the hands wherewith + they drew him. + </p> + <p> + Good God! what takes place in man, that he should more rejoice at the + salvation of a soul despaired of, and freed from greater peril, than if + there had always been hope of him, or the danger had been less? For so + Thou also, merciful Father, dost more rejoice over one penitent than over + ninety-nine just persons that need no repentance. And with much joyfulness + do we hear, so often as we hear with what joy the sheep which had strayed + is brought back upon the shepherd's shoulder, and the groat is restored to + Thy treasury, the neighbours rejoicing with the woman who found it; and + the joy of the solemn service of Thy house forceth to tears, when in Thy + house it is read of Thy younger son, that he was dead, and liveth again; + had been lost, and is found. For Thou rejoicest in us, and in Thy holy + angels, holy through holy charity. For Thou art ever the same; for all + things which abide not the same nor for ever, Thou for ever knowest in the + same way. + </p> + <p> + What then takes place in the soul, when it is more delighted at finding or + recovering the things it loves, than if it had ever had them? yea, and + other things witness hereunto; and all things are full of witnesses, + crying out, "So is it." The conquering commander triumpheth; yet had he + not conquered unless he had fought; and the more peril there was in the + battle, so much the more joy is there in the triumph. The storm tosses the + sailors, threatens shipwreck; all wax pale at approaching death; sky and + sea are calmed, and they are exceeding joyed, as having been exceeding + afraid. A friend is sick, and his pulse threatens danger; all who long for + his recovery are sick in mind with him. He is restored, though as yet he + walks not with his former strength; yet there is such joy, as was not, + when before he walked sound and strong. Yea, the very pleasures of human + life men acquire by difficulties, not those only which fall upon us + unlooked for, and against our wills, but even by self-chosen, and + pleasure-seeking trouble. Eating and drinking have no pleasure, unless + there precede the pinching of hunger and thirst. Men, given to drink, eat + certain salt meats, to procure a troublesome heat, which the drink + allaying, causes pleasure. It is also ordered that the affianced bride + should not at once be given, lest as a husband he should hold cheap whom, + as betrothed, he sighed not after. + </p> + <p> + This law holds in foul and accursed joy; this in permitted and lawful joy; + this in the very purest perfection of friendship; this, in him who was + dead, and lived again; had been lost and was found. Every where the + greater joy is ushered in by the greater pain. What means this, O Lord my + God, whereas Thou art everlastingly joy to Thyself, and some things around + Thee evermore rejoice in Thee? What means this, that this portion of + things thus ebbs and flows alternately displeased and reconciled? Is this + their allotted measure? Is this all Thou hast assigned to them, whereas + from the highest heavens to the lowest earth, from the beginning of the + world to the end of ages, from the angel to the worm, from the first + motion to the last, Thou settest each in its place, and realisest each in + their season, every thing good after its kind? Woe is me! how high art + Thou in the highest, and how deep in the deepest! and Thou never + departest, and we scarcely return to Thee. + </p> + <p> + Up, Lord, and do; stir us up, and recall us; kindle and draw us; inflame, + grow sweet unto us, let us now love, let us run. Do not many, out of a + deeper hell of blindness than Victorinus, return to Thee, approach, and + are enlightened, receiving that Light, which they who receive, receive + power from Thee to become Thy sons? But if they be less known to the + nations, even they that know them, joy less for them. For when many joy + together, each also has more exuberant joy for that they are kindled and + inflamed one by the other. Again, because those known to many, influence + the more towards salvation, and lead the way with many to follow. And + therefore do they also who preceded them much rejoice in them, because + they rejoice not in them alone. For far be it, that in Thy tabernacle the + persons of the rich should be accepted before the poor, or the noble + before the ignoble; seeing rather Thou hast chosen the weak things of the + world to confound the strong; and the base things of this world, and the + things despised hast Thou chosen, and those things which are not, that + Thou mightest bring to nought things that are. And yet even that least of + Thy apostles, by whose tongue Thou soundedst forth these words, when + through his warfare, Paulus the Proconsul, his pride conquered, was made + to pass under the easy yoke of Thy Christ, and became a provincial of the + great King; he also for his former name Saul, was pleased to be called + Paul, in testimony of so great a victory. For the enemy is more overcome + in one, of whom he hath more hold; by whom he hath hold of more. But the + proud he hath more hold of, through their nobility; and by them, of more + through their authority. By how much the more welcome then the heart of + Victorinus was esteemed, which the devil had held as an impregnable + possession, the tongue of Victorinus, with which mighty and keen weapon he + had slain many; so much the more abundantly ought Thy sons to rejoice, for + that our King hath bound the strong man, and they saw his vessels taken + from him and cleansed, and made meet for Thy honour; and become + serviceable for the Lord, unto every good work. + </p> + <p> + But when that man of Thine, Simplicianus, related to me this of + Victorinus, I was on fire to imitate him; for for this very end had he + related it. But when he had subjoined also, how in the days of the Emperor + Julian a law was made, whereby Christians were forbidden to teach the + liberal sciences or oratory; and how he, obeying this law, chose rather to + give over the wordy school than Thy Word, by which Thou makest eloquent + the tongues of the dumb; he seemed to me not more resolute than blessed, + in having thus found opportunity to wait on Thee only. Which thing I was + sighing for, bound as I was, not with another's irons, but by my own iron + will. My will the enemy held, and thence had made a chain for me, and + bound me. For of a forward will, was a lust made; and a lust served, + became custom; and custom not resisted, became necessity. By which links, + as it were, joined together (whence I called it a chain) a hard bondage + held me enthralled. But that new will which had begun to be in me, freely + to serve Thee, and to wish to enjoy Thee, O God, the only assured + pleasantness, was not yet able to overcome my former wilfulness, + strengthened by age. Thus did my two wills, one new, and the other old, + one carnal, the other spiritual, struggle within me; and by their discord, + undid my soul. + </p> + <p> + Thus, I understood, by my own experience, what I had read, how the flesh + lusteth against the spirit and the spirit against the flesh. Myself verily + either way; yet more myself, in that which I approved in myself, than in + that which in myself I disapproved. For in this last, it was now for the + more part not myself, because in much I rather endured against my will, + than acted willingly. And yet it was through me that custom had obtained + this power of warring against me, because I had come willingly, whither I + willed not. And who has any right to speak against it, if just punishment + follow the sinner? Nor had I now any longer my former plea, that I + therefore as yet hesitated to be above the world and serve Thee, for that + the truth was not altogether ascertained to me; for now it too was. But I + still under service to the earth, refused to fight under Thy banner, and + feared as much to be freed of all incumbrances, as we should fear to be + encumbered with it. Thus with the baggage of this present world was I held + down pleasantly, as in sleep: and the thoughts wherein I meditated on Thee + were like the efforts of such as would awake, who yet overcome with a + heavy drowsiness, are again drenched therein. And as no one would sleep + for ever, and in all men's sober judgment waking is better, yet a man for + the most part, feeling a heavy lethargy in all his limbs, defers to shake + off sleep, and though half displeased, yet, even after it is time to rise, + with pleasure yields to it, so was I assured that much better were it for + me to give myself up to Thy charity, than to give myself over to mine own + cupidity; but though the former course satisfied me and gained the + mastery, the latter pleased me and held me mastered. Nor had I any thing + to answer Thee calling to me, Awake, thou that sleepest, and arise from + the dead, and Christ shall give thee light. And when Thou didst on all + sides show me that what Thou saidst was true, I, convicted by the truth, + had nothing at all to answer, but only those dull and drowsy words, "Anon, + anon," "presently," "leave me but a little." But "presently, presently," + had no present, and my "little while" went on for a long while; in vain I + delighted in Thy law according to the inner man, when another law in my + members rebelled against the law of my mind, and led me captive under the + law of sin which was in my members. For the law of sin is the violence of + custom, whereby the mind is drawn and holden, even against its will; but + deservedly, for that it willingly fell into it. Who then should deliver me + thus wretched from the body of this death, but Thy grace only, through + Jesus Christ our Lord? + </p> + <p> + And how Thou didst deliver me out of the bonds of desire, wherewith I was + bound most straitly to carnal concupiscence, and out of the drudgery of + worldly things, I will now declare, and confess unto Thy name, O Lord, my + helper and my redeemer. Amid increasing anxiety, I was doing my wonted + business, and daily sighing unto Thee. I attended Thy Church, whenever + free from the business under the burden of which I groaned. Alypius was + with me, now after the third sitting released from his law business, and + awaiting to whom to sell his counsel, as I sold the skill of speaking, if + indeed teaching can impart it. Nebridius had now, in consideration of our + friendship, consented to teach under Verecundus, a citizen and a + grammarian of Milan, and a very intimate friend of us all; who urgently + desired, and by the right of friendship challenged from our company, such + faithful aid as he greatly needed. Nebridius then was not drawn to this by + any desire of advantage (for he might have made much more of his learning + had he so willed), but as a most kind and gentle friend, he would not be + wanting to a good office, and slight our request. But he acted herein very + discreetly, shunning to become known to personages great according to this + world, avoiding the distraction of mind thence ensuing, and desiring to + have it free and at leisure, as many hours as might be, to seek, or read, + or hear something concerning wisdom. + </p> + <p> + Upon a day then, Nebridius being absent (I recollect not why), lo, there + came to see me and Alypius, one Pontitianus, our countryman so far as + being an African, in high office in the Emperor's court. What he would + with us, I know not, but we sat down to converse, and it happened that + upon a table for some game, before us, he observed a book, took, opened + it, and contrary to his expectation, found it the Apostle Paul; for he + thought it some of those books which I was wearing myself in teaching. + Whereat smiling, and looking at me, he expressed his joy and wonder that + he had on a sudden found this book, and this only before my eyes. For he + was a Christian, and baptised, and often bowed himself before Thee our God + in the Church, in frequent and continued prayers. When then I had told him + that I bestowed very great pains upon those Scriptures, a conversation + arose (suggested by his account) on Antony the Egyptian monk: whose name + was in high reputation among Thy servants, though to that hour unknown to + us. Which when he discovered, he dwelt the more upon that subject, + informing and wondering at our ignorance of one so eminent. But we stood + amazed, hearing Thy wonderful works most fully attested, in times so + recent, and almost in our own, wrought in the true Faith and Church + Catholic. We all wondered; we, that they were so great, and he, that they + had not reached us. + </p> + <p> + Thence his discourse turned to the flocks in the monasteries, and their + holy ways, a sweet-smelling savour unto Thee, and the fruitful deserts of + the wilderness, whereof we knew nothing. And there was a monastery at + Milan, full of good brethren, without the city walls, under the fostering + care of Ambrose, and we knew it not. He went on with his discourse, and we + listened in intent silence. He told us then how one afternoon at Triers, + when the Emperor was taken up with the Circensian games, he and three + others, his companions, went out to walk in gardens near the city walls, + and there as they happened to walk in pairs, one went apart with him, and + the other two wandered by themselves; and these, in their wanderings, + lighted upon a certain cottage, inhabited by certain of Thy servants, poor + in spirit, of whom is the kingdom of heaven, and there they found a little + book containing the life of Antony. This one of them began to read, + admire, and kindle at it; and as he read, to meditate on taking up such a + life, and giving over his secular service to serve Thee. And these two + were of those whom they style agents for the public affairs. Then + suddenly, filled with a holy love, and a sober shame, in anger with + himself cast his eyes upon his friend, saying, "Tell me, I pray thee, what + would we attain by all these labours of ours? what aim we at? what serve + we for? Can our hopes in court rise higher than to be the Emperor's + favourites? and in this, what is there not brittle, and full of perils? + and by how many perils arrive we at a greater peril? and when arrive we + thither? But a friend of God, if I wish it, I become now at once." So + spake he. And in pain with the travail of a new life, he turned his eyes + again upon the book, and read on, and was changed inwardly, where Thou + sawest, and his mind was stripped of the world, as soon appeared. For as + he read, and rolled up and down the waves of his heart, he stormed at + himself a while, then discerned, and determined on a better course; and + now being Thine, said to his friend, "Now have I broken loose from those + our hopes, and am resolved to serve God; and this, from this hour, in this + place, I begin upon. If thou likest not to imitate me, oppose not." The + other answered, he would cleave to him, to partake so glorious a reward, + so glorious a service. Thus both being now Thine, were building the tower + at the necessary cost, the forsaking all that they had, and following + Thee. Then Pontitianus and the other with him, that had walked in other + parts of the garden, came in search of them to the same place; and finding + them, reminded them to return, for the day was now far spent. But they + relating their resolution and purpose, and how that will was begun and + settled in them, begged them, if they would not join, not to molest them. + But the others, though nothing altered from their former selves, did yet + bewail themselves (as he affirmed), and piously congratulated them, + recommending themselves to their prayers; and so, with hearts lingering on + the earth, went away to the palace. But the other two, fixing their heart + on heaven, remained in the cottage. And both had affianced brides, who + when they heard hereof, also dedicated their virginity unto God. + </p> + <p> + Such was the story of Pontitianus; but Thou, O Lord, while he was + speaking, didst turn me round towards myself, taking me from behind my + back where I had placed me, unwilling to observe myself; and setting me + before my face, that I might see how foul I was, how crooked and defiled, + bespotted and ulcerous. And I beheld and stood aghast; and whither to flee + from myself I found not. And if I sought to turn mine eye from off myself, + he went on with his relation, and Thou again didst set me over against + myself, and thrustedst me before my eyes, that I might find out mine + iniquity, and hate it. I had known it, but made as though I saw it not, + winked at it, and forgot it. + </p> + <p> + But now, the more ardently I loved those whose healthful affections I + heard of, that they had resigned themselves wholly to Thee to be cured, + the more did I abhor myself, when compared with them. For many of my years + (some twelve) had now run out with me since my nineteenth, when, upon the + reading of Cicero's Hortensius, I was stirred to an earnest love of + wisdom; and still I was deferring to reject mere earthly felicity, and + give myself to search out that, whereof not the finding only, but the very + search, was to be preferred to the treasures and kingdoms of the world, + though already found, and to the pleasures of the body, though spread + around me at my will. But I wretched, most wretched, in the very + commencement of my early youth, had begged chastity of Thee, and said, + "Give me chastity and continency, only not yet." For I feared lest Thou + shouldest hear me soon, and soon cure me of the disease of concupiscence, + which I wished to have satisfied, rather than extinguished. And I had + wandered through crooked ways in a sacrilegious superstition, not indeed + assured thereof, but as preferring it to the others which I did not seek + religiously, but opposed maliciously. + </p> + <p> + And I had thought that I therefore deferred from day to day to reject the + hopes of this world, and follow Thee only, because there did not appear + aught certain, whither to direct my course. And now was the day come + wherein I was to be laid bare to myself, and my conscience was to upbraid + me. "Where art thou now, my tongue? Thou saidst that for an uncertain + truth thou likedst not to cast off the baggage of vanity; now, it is + certain, and yet that burden still oppresseth thee, while they who neither + have so worn themselves out with seeking it, nor for often years and more + have been thinking thereon, have had their shoulders lightened, and + received wings to fly away." Thus was I gnawed within, and exceedingly + confounded with a horrible shame, while Pontitianus was so speaking. And + he having brought to a close his tale and the business he came for, went + his way; and I into myself. What said I not against myself? with what + scourges of condemnation lashed I not my soul, that it might follow me, + striving to go after Thee! Yet it drew back; refused, but excused not + itself. All arguments were spent and confuted; there remained a mute + shrinking; and she feared, as she would death, to be restrained from the + flux of that custom, whereby she was wasting to death. + </p> + <p> + Then in this great contention of my inward dwelling, which I had strongly + raised against my soul, in the chamber of my heart, troubled in mind and + countenance, I turned upon Alypius. "What ails us?" I exclaim: "what is + it? what heardest thou? The unlearned start up and take heaven by force, + and we with our learning, and without heart, lo, where we wallow in flesh + and blood! Are we ashamed to follow, because others are gone before, and + not ashamed not even to follow?" Some such words I uttered, and my fever + of mind tore me away from him, while he, gazing on me in astonishment, + kept silence. For it was not my wonted tone; and my forehead, cheeks, + eyes, colour, tone of voice, spake my mind more than the words I uttered. + A little garden there was to our lodging, which we had the use of, as of + the whole house; for the master of the house, our host, was not living + there. Thither had the tumult of my breast hurried me, where no man might + hinder the hot contention wherein I had engaged with myself, until it + should end as Thou knewest, I knew not. Only I was healthfully distracted + and dying, to live; knowing what evil thing I was, and not knowing what + good thing I was shortly to become. I retired then into the garden, and + Alypius, on my steps. For his presence did not lessen my privacy; or how + could he forsake me so disturbed? We sate down as far removed as might be + from the house. I was troubled in spirit, most vehemently indignant that I + entered not into Thy will and covenant, O my God, which all my bones cried + out unto me to enter, and praised it to the skies. And therein we enter + not by ships, or chariots, or feet, no, move not so far as I had come from + the house to that place where we were sitting. For, not to go only, but to + go in thither was nothing else but to will to go, but to will resolutely + and thoroughly; not to turn and toss, this way and that, a maimed and + half-divided will, struggling, with one part sinking as another rose. + </p> + <p> + Lastly, in the very fever of my irresoluteness, I made with my body many + such motions as men sometimes would, but cannot, if either they have not + the limbs, or these be bound with bands, weakened with infirmity, or any + other way hindered. Thus, if I tore my hair, beat my forehead, if locking + my fingers I clasped my knee; I willed, I did it. But I might have willed, + and not done it; if the power of motion in my limbs had not obeyed. So + many things then I did, when "to will" was not in itself "to be able"; and + I did not what both I longed incomparably more to do, and which soon + after, when I should will, I should be able to do; because soon after, + when I should will, I should will thoroughly. For in these things the + ability was one with the will, and to will was to do; and yet was it not + done: and more easily did my body obey the weakest willing of my soul, in + moving its limbs at its nod, than the soul obeyed itself to accomplish in + the will alone this its momentous will. + </p> + <p> + Whence is this monstrousness? and to what end? Let Thy mercy gleam that I + may ask, if so be the secret penalties of men, and those darkest pangs of + the sons of Adam, may perhaps answer me. Whence is this monstrousness? and + to what end? The mind commands the body, and it obeys instantly; the mind + commands itself, and is resisted. The mind commands the hand to be moved; + and such readiness is there, that command is scarce distinct from + obedience. Yet the mind is mind, the hand is body. The mind commands the + mind, its own self, to will, and yet it doth not. Whence this + monstrousness? and to what end? It commands itself, I say, to will, and + would not command, unless it willed, and what it commands is not done. But + it willeth not entirely: therefore doth it not command entirely. For so + far forth it commandeth, as it willeth: and, so far forth is the thing + commanded, not done, as it willeth not. For the will commandeth that there + be a will; not another, but itself. But it doth not command entirely, + therefore what it commandeth, is not. For were the will entire, it would + not even command it to be, because it would already be. It is therefore no + monstrousness partly to will, partly to nill, but a disease of the mind, + that it doth not wholly rise, by truth upborne, borne down by custom. And + therefore are there two wills, for that one of them is not entire: and + what the one lacketh, the other hath. + </p> + <p> + Let them perish from Thy presence, O God, as perish vain talkers and + seducers of the soul: who observing that in deliberating there were two + wills, affirm that there are two minds in us of two kinds, one good, the + other evil. Themselves are truly evil, when they hold these evil things; + and themselves shall become good when they hold the truth and assent unto + the truth, that Thy Apostle may say to them, Ye were sometimes darkness, + but now light in the Lord. But they, wishing to be light, not in the Lord, + but in themselves, imagining the nature of the soul to be that which God + is, are made more gross darkness through a dreadful arrogancy; for that + they went back farther from Thee, the true Light that enlightened every + man that cometh into the world. Take heed what you say, and blush for + shame: draw near unto Him and be enlightened, and your faces shall not be + ashamed. Myself when I was deliberating upon serving the Lord my God now, + as I had long purposed, it was I who willed, I who nilled, I, I myself. I + neither willed entirely, nor nilled entirely. Therefore was I at strife + with myself, and rent asunder by myself. And this rent befell me against + my will, and yet indicated, not the presence of another mind, but the + punishment of my own. Therefore it was no more I that wrought it, but sin + that dwelt in me; the punishment of a sin more freely committed, in that I + was a son of Adam. + </p> + <p> + For if there be so many contrary natures as there be conflicting wills, + there shall now be not two only, but many. If a man deliberate whether he + should go to their conventicle or to the theatre, these Manichees cry out, + Behold, here are two natures: one good, draws this way; another bad, draws + back that way. For whence else is this hesitation between conflicting + wills? But I say that both be bad: that which draws to them, as that which + draws back to the theatre. But they believe not that will to be other than + good, which draws to them. What then if one of us should deliberate, and + amid the strife of his two wills be in a strait, whether he should go to + the theatre or to our church? would not these Manichees also be in a + strait what to answer? For either they must confess (which they fain would + not) that the will which leads to our church is good, as well as theirs, + who have received and are held by the mysteries of theirs: or they must + suppose two evil natures, and two evil souls conflicting in one man, and + it will not be true, which they say, that there is one good and another + bad; or they must be converted to the truth, and no more deny that where + one deliberates, one soul fluctuates between contrary wills. + </p> + <p> + Let them no more say then, when they perceive two conflicting wills in one + man, that the conflict is between two contrary souls, of two contrary + substances, from two contrary principles, one good, and the other bad. For + Thou, O true God, dost disprove, check, and convict them; as when, both + wills being bad, one deliberates whether he should kill a man by poison or + by the sword; whether he should seize this or that estate of another's, + when he cannot both; whether he should purchase pleasure by luxury, or + keep his money by covetousness; whether he go to the circus or the + theatre, if both be open on one day; or thirdly, to rob another's house, + if he have the opportunity; or, fourthly, to commit adultery, if at the + same time he have the means thereof also; all these meeting together in + the same juncture of time, and all being equally desired, which cannot at + one time be acted: for they rend the mind amid four, or even (amid the + vast variety of things desired) more, conflicting wills, nor do they yet + allege that there are so many divers substances. So also in wills which + are good. For I ask them, is it good to take pleasure in reading the + Apostle? or good to take pleasure in a sober Psalm? or good to discourse + on the Gospel? They will answer to each, "it is good." What then if all + give equal pleasure, and all at once? Do not divers wills distract the + mind, while he deliberates which he should rather choose? yet are they all + good, and are at variance till one be chosen, whither the one entire will + may be borne, which before was divided into many. Thus also, when, above, + eternity delights us, and the pleasure of temporal good holds us down + below, it is the same soul which willeth not this or that with an entire + will; and therefore is rent asunder with grievous perplexities, while out + of truth it sets this first, but out of habit sets not that aside. + </p> + <p> + Thus soul-sick was I, and tormented, accusing myself much more severely + than my wont, rolling and turning me in my chain, till that were wholly + broken, whereby I now was but just, but still was, held. And Thou, O Lord, + pressedst upon me in my inward parts by a severe mercy, redoubling the + lashes of fear and shame, lest I should again give way, and not bursting + that same slight remaining tie, it should recover strength, and bind me + the faster. For I said with myself, "Be it done now, be it done now." And + as I spake, I all but enacted it: I all but did it, and did it not: yet + sunk not back to my former state, but kept my stand hard by, and took + breath. And I essayed again, and wanted somewhat less of it, and somewhat + less, and all but touched, and laid hold of it; and yet came not at it, + nor touched nor laid hold of it; hesitating to die to death and to live to + life: and the worse whereto I was inured, prevailed more with me than the + better whereto I was unused: and the very moment wherein I was to become + other than I was, the nearer it approached me, the greater horror did it + strike into me; yet did it not strike me back, nor turned me away, but + held me in suspense. + </p> + <p> + The very toys of toys, and vanities of vanities, my ancient mistresses, + still held me; they plucked my fleshy garment, and whispered softly, "Dost + thou cast us off? and from that moment shall we no more be with thee for + ever? and from that moment shall not this or that be lawful for thee for + ever?" And what was it which they suggested in that I said, "this or + that," what did they suggest, O my God? Let Thy mercy turn it away from + the soul of Thy servant. What defilements did they suggest! what shame! + And now I much less than half heard them, and not openly showing + themselves and contradicting me, but muttering as it were behind my back, + and privily plucking me, as I was departing, but to look back on them. Yet + they did retard me, so that I hesitated to burst and shake myself free + from them, and to spring over whither I was called; a violent habit saying + to me, "Thinkest thou, thou canst live without them?" + </p> + <p> + But now it spake very faintly. For on that side whither I had set my face, + and whither I trembled to go, there appeared unto me the chaste dignity of + Continency, serene, yet not relaxedly, gay, honestly alluring me to come + and doubt not; and stretching forth to receive and embrace me, her holy + hands full of multitudes of good examples: there were so many young men + and maidens here, a multitude of youth and every age, grave widows and + aged virgins; and Continence herself in all, not barren, but a fruitful + mother of children of joys, by Thee her Husband, O Lord. And she smiled on + me with a persuasive mockery, as would she say, "Canst not thou what these + youths, what these maidens can? or can they either in themselves, and not + rather in the Lord their God? The Lord their God gave me unto them. Why + standest thou in thyself, and so standest not? cast thyself upon Him, fear + not He will not withdraw Himself that thou shouldest fall; cast thyself + fearlessly upon Him, He will receive, and will heal thee." And I blushed + exceedingly, for that I yet heard the muttering of those toys, and hung in + suspense. And she again seemed to say, "Stop thine ears against those thy + unclean members on the earth, that they may be mortified. They tell thee + of delights, but not as doth the law of the Lord thy God." This + controversy in my heart was self against self only. But Alypius sitting + close by my side, in silence waited the issue of my unwonted emotion. + </p> + <p> + But when a deep consideration had from the secret bottom of my soul drawn + together and heaped up all my misery in the sight of my heart; there arose + a mighty storm, bringing a mighty shower of tears. Which that I might pour + forth wholly, in its natural expressions, I rose from Alypius: solitude + was suggested to me as fitter for the business of weeping; so I retired so + far that even his presence could not be a burden to me. Thus was it then + with me, and he perceived something of it; for something I suppose I had + spoken, wherein the tones of my voice appeared choked with weeping, and so + had risen up. He then remained where we were sitting, most extremely + astonished. I cast myself down I know not how, under a certain fig-tree, + giving full vent to my tears; and the floods of mine eyes gushed out an + acceptable sacrifice to Thee. And, not indeed in these words, yet to this + purpose, spake I much unto Thee: and Thou, O Lord, how long? how long, + Lord, wilt Thou be angry for ever? Remember not our former iniquities, for + I felt that I was held by them. I sent up these sorrowful words: How long, + how long, "tomorrow, and tomorrow?" Why not now? why not is there this + hour an end to my uncleanness? + </p> + <p> + So was I speaking and weeping in the most bitter contrition of my heart, + when, lo! I heard from a neighbouring house a voice, as of boy or girl, I + know not, chanting, and oft repeating, "Take up and read; Take up and + read." Instantly, my countenance altered, I began to think most intently + whether children were wont in any kind of play to sing such words: nor + could I remember ever to have heard the like. So checking the torrent of + my tears, I arose; interpreting it to be no other than a command from God + to open the book, and read the first chapter I should find. For I had + heard of Antony, that coming in during the reading of the Gospel, he + received the admonition, as if what was being read was spoken to him: Go, + sell all that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have + treasure in heaven, and come and follow me: and by such oracle he was + forthwith converted unto Thee. Eagerly then I returned to the place where + Alypius was sitting; for there had I laid the volume of the Apostle when I + arose thence. I seized, opened, and in silence read that section on which + my eyes first fell: Not in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering and + wantonness, not in strife and envying; but put ye on the Lord Jesus + Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, in concupiscence. No further + would I read; nor needed I: for instantly at the end of this sentence, by + a light as it were of serenity infused into my heart, all the darkness of + doubt vanished away. + </p> + <p> + Then putting my finger between, or some other mark, I shut the volume, and + with a calmed countenance made it known to Alypius. And what was wrought + in him, which I knew not, he thus showed me. He asked to see what I had + read: I showed him; and he looked even further than I had read, and I knew + not what followed. This followed, him that is weak in the faith, receive; + which he applied to himself, and disclosed to me. And by this admonition + was he strengthened; and by a good resolution and purpose, and most + corresponding to his character, wherein he did always very far differ from + me, for the better, without any turbulent delay he joined me. Thence we go + in to my mother; we tell her; she rejoiceth: we relate in order how it + took place; she leaps for joy, and triumpheth, and blesseth Thee, Who are + able to do above that which we ask or think; for she perceived that Thou + hadst given her more for me, than she was wont to beg by her pitiful and + most sorrowful groanings. For thou convertedst me unto Thyself, so that I + sought neither wife, nor any hope of this world, standing in that rule of + faith, where Thou hadst showed me unto her in a vision, so many years + before. And Thou didst convert her mourning into joy, much more plentiful + than she had desired, and in a much more precious and purer way than she + erst required, by having grandchildren of my body. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"></a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOOK IX + </h2> + <p> + O Lord, I am Thy servant; I am Thy servant, and the son of Thy handmaid: + Thou hast broken my bonds in sunder. I will offer to Thee the sacrifice of + praise. Let my heart and my tongue praise Thee; yea, let all my bones say, + O Lord, who is like unto Thee? Let them say, and answer Thou me, and say + unto my soul, I am thy salvation. Who am I, and what am I? What evil have + not been either my deeds, or if not my deeds, my words, or if not my + words, my will? But Thou, O Lord, are good and merciful, and Thy right + hand had respect unto the depth of my death, and from the bottom of my + heart emptied that abyss of corruption. And this Thy whole gift was, to + nill what I willed, and to will what Thou willedst. But where through all + those years, and out of what low and deep recess was my free-will called + forth in a moment, whereby to submit my neck to Thy easy yoke, and my + shoulders unto Thy light burden, O Christ Jesus, my Helper and my + Redeemer? How sweet did it at once become to me, to want the sweetnesses + of those toys! and what I feared to be parted from, was now a joy to part + with. For Thou didst cast them forth from me, Thou true and highest + sweetness. Thou castest them forth, and for them enteredst in Thyself, + sweeter than all pleasure, though not to flesh and blood; brighter than + all light, but more hidden than all depths, higher than all honour, but + not to the high in their own conceits. Now was my soul free from the + biting cares of canvassing and getting, and weltering in filth, and + scratching off the itch of lust. And my infant tongue spake freely to + Thee, my brightness, and my riches, and my health, the Lord my God. + </p> + <p> + And I resolved in Thy sight, not tumultuously to tear, but gently to + withdraw, the service of my tongue from the marts of lip-labour: that the + young, no students in Thy law, nor in Thy peace, but in lying dotages and + law-skirmishes, should no longer buy at my mouth arms for their madness. + And very seasonably, it now wanted but very few days unto the Vacation of + the Vintage, and I resolved to endure them, then in a regular way to take + my leave, and having been purchased by Thee, no more to return for sale. + Our purpose then was known to Thee; but to men, other than our own + friends, was it not known. For we had agreed among ourselves not to let it + out abroad to any: although to us, now ascending from the valley of tears, + and singing that song of degrees, Thou hadst given sharp arrows, and + destroying coals against the subtle tongue, which as though advising for + us, would thwart, and would out of love devour us, as it doth its meat. + </p> + <p> + Thou hadst pierced our hearts with Thy charity, and we carried Thy words + as it were fixed in our entrails: and the examples of Thy servants, whom + for black Thou hadst made bright, and for dead, alive, being piled + together in the receptacle of our thoughts, kindled and burned up that our + heavy torpor, that we should not sink down to the abyss; and they fired us + so vehemently, that all the blasts of subtle tongues from gainsayers might + only inflame us the more fiercely, not extinguish us. Nevertheless, + because for Thy Name's sake which Thou hast hallowed throughout the earth, + this our vow and purpose might also find some to commend it, it seemed + like ostentation not to wait for the vacation now so near, but to quit + beforehand a public profession, which was before the eyes of all; so that + all looking on this act of mine, and observing how near was the time of + vintage which I wished to anticipate, would talk much of me, as if I had + desired to appear some great one. And what end had it served me, that + people should repute and dispute upon my purpose, and that our good should + be evil spoken of. + </p> + <p> + Moreover, it had at first troubled me that in this very summer my lungs + began to give way, amid too great literary labour, and to breathe deeply + with difficulty, and by the pain in my chest to show that they were + injured, and to refuse any full or lengthened speaking; this had troubled + me, for it almost constrained me of necessity to lay down that burden of + teaching, or, if I could be cured and recover, at least to intermit it. + But when the full wish for leisure, that I might see how that Thou art the + Lord, arose, and was fixed, in me; my God, Thou knowest, I began even to + rejoice that I had this secondary, and that no feigned, excuse, which + might something moderate the offence taken by those who, for their sons' + sake, wished me never to have the freedom of Thy sons. Full then of such + joy, I endured till that interval of time were run; it may have been some + twenty days, yet they were endured manfully; endured, for the covetousness + which aforetime bore a part of this heavy business, had left me, and I + remained alone, and had been overwhelmed, had not patience taken its + place. Perchance, some of Thy servants, my brethren, may say that I sinned + in this, that with a heart fully set on Thy service, I suffered myself to + sit even one hour in the chair of lies. Nor would I be contentious. But + hast not Thou, O most merciful Lord, pardoned and remitted this sin also, + with my other most horrible and deadly sins, in the holy water? + </p> + <p> + Verecundus was worn down with care about this our blessedness, for that + being held back by bonds, whereby he was most straitly bound, he saw that + he should be severed from us. For himself was not yet a Christian, his + wife one of the faithful; and yet hereby, more rigidly than by any other + chain, was he let and hindered from the journey which we had now essayed. + For he would not, he said, be a Christian on any other terms than on those + he could not. However, he offered us courteously to remain at his + country-house so long as we should stay there. Thou, O Lord, shalt reward + him in the resurrection of the just, seeing Thou hast already given him + the lot of the righteous. For although, in our absence, being now at Rome, + he was seized with bodily sickness, and therein being made a Christian, + and one of the faithful, he departed this life; yet hadst Thou mercy not + on him only, but on us also: lest remembering the exceeding kindness of + our friend towards us, yet unable to number him among Thy flock, we should + be agonised with intolerable sorrow. Thanks unto Thee, our God, we are + Thine: Thy suggestions and consolations tell us, Faithful in promises, + Thou now requitest Verecundus for his country-house of Cassiacum, where + from the fever of the world we reposed in Thee, with the eternal freshness + of Thy Paradise: for that Thou hast forgiven him his sins upon earth, in + that rich mountain, that mountain which yieldeth milk, Thine own mountain. + </p> + <p> + He then had at that time sorrow, but Nebridius joy. For although he also, + not being yet a Christian, had fallen into the pit of that most pernicious + error, believing the flesh of Thy Son to be a phantom: yet emerging + thence, he believed as we did; not as yet endued with any Sacraments of + Thy Church, but a most ardent searcher out of truth. Whom, not long after + our conversion and regeneration by Thy Baptism, being also a faithful + member of the Church Catholic, and serving Thee in perfect chastity and + continence amongst his people in Africa, his whole house having through + him first been made Christian, didst Thou release from the flesh; and now + he lives in Abraham's bosom. Whatever that be, which is signified by that + bosom, there lives my Nebridius, my sweet friend, and Thy child, O Lord, + adopted of a freed man: there he liveth. For what other place is there for + such a soul? There he liveth, whereof he asked much of me, a poor + inexperienced man. Now lays he not his ear to my mouth, but his spiritual + mouth unto Thy fountain, and drinketh as much as he can receive, wisdom in + proportion to his thirst, endlessly happy. Nor do I think that he is so + inebriated therewith, as to forget me; seeing Thou, Lord, Whom he + drinketh, art mindful of us. So were we then, comforting Verecundus, who + sorrowed, as far as friendship permitted, that our conversion was of such + sort; and exhorting him to become faithful, according to his measure, + namely, of a married estate; and awaiting Nebridius to follow us, which, + being so near, he was all but doing: and so, lo! those days rolled by at + length; for long and many they seemed, for the love I bare to the easeful + liberty, that I might sing to Thee, from my inmost marrow, My heart hath + said unto Thee, I have sought Thy face: Thy face, Lord, will I seek. + </p> + <p> + Now was the day come wherein I was in deed to be freed of my Rhetoric + Professorship, whereof in thought I was already freed. And it was done. + Thou didst rescue my tongue, whence Thou hadst before rescued my heart. + And I blessed Thee, rejoicing; retiring with all mine to the villa. What I + there did in writing, which was now enlisted in Thy service, though still, + in this breathing-time as it were, panting from the school of pride, my + books may witness, as well what I debated with others, as what with myself + alone, before Thee: what with Nebridius, who was absent, my Epistles bear + witness. And when shall I have time to rehearse all Thy great benefits + towards us at that time, especially when hasting on to yet greater + mercies? For my remembrance recalls me, and pleasant is it to me, O Lord, + to confess to Thee, by what inward goads Thou tamedst me; and how Thou + hast evened me, lowering the mountains and hills of my high imaginations, + straightening my crookedness, and smoothing my rough ways; and how Thou + also subduedst the brother of my heart, Alypius, unto the name of Thy Only + Begotten, our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, which he would not at first + vouchsafe to have inserted in our writings. For rather would he have them + savour of the lofty cedars of the Schools, which the Lord hath now broken + down, than of the wholesome herbs of the Church, the antidote against + serpents. + </p> + <p> + Oh, in what accents spake I unto Thee, my God, when I read the Psalms of + David, those faithful songs, and sounds of devotion, which allow of no + swelling spirit, as yet a Catechumen, and a novice in Thy real love, + resting in that villa, with Alypius a Catechumen, my mother cleaving to + us, in female garb with masculine faith, with the tranquillity of age, + motherly love, Christian piety! Oh, what accents did I utter unto Thee in + those Psalms, and how was I by them kindled towards Thee, and on fire to + rehearse them, if possible, through the whole world, against the pride of + mankind! And yet they are sung through the whole world, nor can any hide + himself from Thy heat. With what vehement and bitter sorrow was I angered + at the Manichees! and again I pitied them, for they knew not those + Sacraments, those medicines, and were mad against the antidote which might + have recovered them of their madness. How I would they had then been + somewhere near me, and without my knowing that they were there, could have + beheld my countenance, and heard my words, when I read the fourth Psalm in + that time of my rest, and how that Psalm wrought upon me: When I called, + the God of my righteousness heard me; in tribulation Thou enlargedst me. + Have mercy upon me, O Lord, and hear my prayer. Would that what I uttered + on these words, they could hear, without my knowing whether they heard, + lest they should think I spake it for their sakes! Because in truth + neither should I speak the same things, nor in the same way, if I + perceived that they heard and saw me; nor if I spake them would they so + receive them, as when I spake by and for myself before Thee, out of the + natural feelings of my soul. + </p> + <p> + I trembled for fear, and again kindled with hope, and with rejoicing in + Thy mercy, O Father; and all issued forth both by mine eyes and voice, + when Thy good Spirit turning unto us, said, O ye sons of men, how long + slow of heart? why do ye love vanity, and seek after leasing? For I had + loved vanity, and sought after leasing. And Thou, O Lord, hadst already + magnified Thy Holy One, raising Him from the dead, and setting Him at Thy + right hand, whence from on high He should send His promise, the Comforter, + the Spirit of truth. And He had already sent Him, but I knew it not; He + had sent Him, because He was now magnified, rising again from the dead, + and ascending into heaven. For till then, the Spirit was not yet given, + because Jesus was not yet glorified. And the prophet cries out, How long, + slow of heart? why do ye love vanity, and seek after leasing? Know this, + that the Lord hath magnified His Holy One. He cries out, How long? He + cries out, Know this: and I so long, not knowing, loved vanity, and sought + after leasing: and therefore I heard and trembled, because it was spoken + unto such as I remembered myself to have been. For in those phantoms which + I had held for truths, was there vanity and leasing; and I spake aloud + many things earnestly and forcibly, in the bitterness of my remembrance. + Which would they had heard, who yet love vanity and seek after leasing! + They would perchance have been troubled, and have vomited it up; and Thou + wouldest hear them when they cried unto Thee; for by a true death in the + flesh did He die for us, who now intercedeth unto Thee for us. + </p> + <p> + I further read, Be angry, and sin not. And how was I moved, O my God, who + had now learned to be angry at myself for things past, that I might not + sin in time to come! Yea, to be justly angry; for that it was not another + nature of a people of darkness which sinned for me, as they say who are + not angry at themselves, and treasure up wrath against the day of wrath, + and of the revelation of Thy just judgment. Nor were my good things now + without, nor sought with the eyes of flesh in that earthly sun; for they + that would have joy from without soon become vain, and waste themselves on + the things seen and temporal, and in their famished thoughts do lick their + very shadows. Oh that they were wearied out with their famine, and said, + Who will show us good things? And we would say, and they hear, The light + of Thy countenance is sealed upon us. For we are not that light which + enlighteneth every man, but we are enlightened by Thee; that having been + sometimes darkness, we may be light in Thee. Oh that they could see the + eternal Internal, which having tasted, I was grieved that I could not show + It them, so long as they brought me their heart in their eyes roving + abroad from Thee, while they said, Who will show us good things? For + there, where I was angry within myself in my chamber, where I was inwardly + pricked, where I had sacrificed, slaying my old man and commencing the + purpose of a new life, putting my trust in Thee,—there hadst Thou + begun to grow sweet unto me, and hadst put gladness in my heart. And I + cried out, as I read this outwardly, finding it inwardly. Nor would I be + multiplied with worldly goods; wasting away time, and wasted by time; + whereas I had in Thy eternal Simple Essence other corn, and wine, and oil. + </p> + <p> + And with a loud cry of my heart I cried out in the next verse, O in peace, + O for The Self-same! O what said he, I will lay me down and sleep, for who + shall hinder us, when cometh to pass that saying which is written, Death + is swallowed up in victory? And Thou surpassingly art the Self-same, Who + art not changed; and in Thee is rest which forgetteth all toil, for there + is none other with Thee, nor are we to seek those many other things, which + are not what Thou art: but Thou, Lord, alone hast made me dwell in hope. I + read, and kindled; nor found I what to do to those deaf and dead, of whom + myself had been, a pestilent person, a bitter and a blind bawler against + those writings, which are honied with the honey of heaven, and lightsome + with Thine own light: and I was consumed with zeal at the enemies of this + Scripture. + </p> + <p> + When shall I recall all which passed in those holy-days? Yet neither have + I forgotten, nor will I pass over the severity of Thy scourge, and the + wonderful swiftness of Thy mercy. Thou didst then torment me with pain in + my teeth; which when it had come to such height that I could not speak, it + came into my heart to desire all my friends present to pray for me to + Thee, the God of all manner of health. And this I wrote on wax, and gave + it them to read. Presently so soon as with humble devotion we had bowed + our knees, that pain went away. But what pain? or how went it away? I was + affrighted, O my Lord, my God; for from infancy I had never experienced + the like. And the power of Thy Nod was deeply conveyed to me, and + rejoicing in faith, I praised Thy Name. And that faith suffered me not to + be at ease about my past sins, which were not yet forgiven me by Thy + baptism. + </p> + <p> + The vintage-vacation ended, I gave notice to the Milanese to provide their + scholars with another master to sell words to them; for that I had both + made choice to serve Thee, and through my difficulty of breathing and pain + in my chest was not equal to the Professorship. And by letters I signified + to Thy Prelate, the holy man Ambrose, my former errors and present + desires, begging his advice what of Thy Scriptures I had best read, to + become readier and fitter for receiving so great grace. He recommended + Isaiah the Prophet: I believe, because he above the rest is a more clear + foreshower of the Gospel and of the calling of the Gentiles. But I, not + understanding the first lesson in him, and imagining the whole to be like + it, laid it by, to be resumed when better practised in our Lord's own + words. + </p> + <p> + Thence, when the time was come wherein I was to give in my name, we left + the country and returned to Milan. It pleased Alypius also to be with me + born again in Thee, being already clothed with the humility befitting Thy + Sacraments; and a most valiant tamer of the body, so as, with unwonted + venture, to wear the frozen ground of Italy with his bare feet. We joined + with us the boy Adeodatus, born after the flesh, of my sin. Excellently + hadst Thou made him. He was not quite fifteen, and in wit surpassed many + grave and learned men. I confess unto Thee Thy gifts, O Lord my God, + Creator of all, and abundantly able to reform our deformities: for I had + no part in that boy, but the sin. For that we brought him up in Thy + discipline, it was Thou, none else, had inspired us with it. I confess + unto Thee Thy gifts. There is a book of ours entitled The Master; it is a + dialogue between him and me. Thou knowest that all there ascribed to the + person conversing with me were his ideas, in his sixteenth year. Much + besides, and yet more admirable, I found in him. That talent struck awe + into me. And who but Thou could be the workmaster of such wonders? Soon + didst Thou take his life from the earth: and I now remember him without + anxiety, fearing nothing for his childhood or youth, or his whole self. + Him we joined with us, our contemporary in grace, to be brought up in Thy + discipline: and we were baptised, and anxiety for our past life vanished + from us. Nor was I sated in those days with the wondrous sweetness of + considering the depth of Thy counsels concerning the salvation of mankind. + How did I weep, in Thy Hymns and Canticles, touched to the quick by the + voices of Thy sweet-attuned Church! The voices flowed into mine ears, and + the Truth distilled into my heart, whence the affections of my devotion + overflowed, and tears ran down, and happy was I therein. + </p> + <p> + Not long had the Church of Milan begun to use this kind of consolation and + exhortation, the brethren zealously joining with harmony of voice and + hearts. For it was a year, or not much more, that Justina, mother to the + Emperor Valentinian, a child, persecuted Thy servant Ambrose, in favour of + her heresy, to which she was seduced by the Arians. The devout people kept + watch in the Church, ready to die with their Bishop Thy servant. There my + mother Thy handmaid, bearing a chief part of those anxieties and + watchings, lived for prayer. We, yet unwarmed by the heat of Thy Spirit, + still were stirred up by the sight of the amazed and disquieted city. Then + it was first instituted that after the manner of the Eastern Churches, + Hymns and Psalms should be sung, lest the people should wax faint through + the tediousness of sorrow: and from that day to this the custom is + retained, divers (yea, almost all) Thy congregations, throughout other + parts of the world following herein. + </p> + <p> + Then didst Thou by a vision discover to Thy forenamed Bishop where the + bodies of Gervasius and Protasius the martyrs lay hid (whom Thou hadst in + Thy secret treasury stored uncorrupted so many years), whence Thou + mightest seasonably produce them to repress the fury of a woman, but an + Empress. For when they were discovered and dug up, and with due honour + translated to the Ambrosian Basilica, not only they who were vexed with + unclean spirits (the devils confessing themselves) were cured, but a + certain man who had for many years been blind, a citizen, and well known + to the city, asking and hearing the reason of the people's confused joy, + sprang forth desiring his guide to lead him thither. Led thither, he + begged to be allowed to touch with his handkerchief the bier of Thy + saints, whose death is precious in Thy sight. Which when he had done, and + put to his eyes, they were forthwith opened. Thence did the fame spread, + thence Thy praises glowed, shone; thence the mind of that enemy, though + not turned to the soundness of believing, was yet turned back from her + fury of persecuting. Thanks to Thee, O my God. Whence and whither hast + Thou thus led my remembrance, that I should confess these things also unto + Thee? which great though they be, I had passed by in forgetfulness. And + yet then, when the odour of Thy ointments was so fragrant, did we not run + after Thee. Therefore did I more weep among the singing of Thy Hymns, + formerly sighing after Thee, and at length breathing in Thee, as far as + the breath may enter into this our house of grass. + </p> + <p> + Thou that makest men to dwell of one mind in one house, didst join with us + Euodius also, a young man of our own city. Who being an officer of Court, + was before us converted to Thee and baptised: and quitting his secular + warfare, girded himself to Thine. We were together, about to dwell + together in our devout purpose. We sought where we might serve Thee most + usefully, and were together returning to Africa: whitherward being as far + as Ostia, my mother departed this life. Much I omit, as hastening much. + Receive my confessions and thanksgivings, O my God, for innumerable things + whereof I am silent. But I will not omit whatsoever my soul would bring + forth concerning that Thy handmaid, who brought me forth, both in the + flesh, that I might be born to this temporal light, and in heart, that I + might be born to Light eternal. Not her gifts, but Thine in her, would I + speak of; for neither did she make nor educate herself. Thou createdst + her; nor did her father and mother know what a one should come from them. + And the sceptre of Thy Christ, the discipline of Thine only Son, in a + Christian house, a good member of Thy Church, educated her in Thy fear. + Yet for her good discipline was she wont to commend not so much her + mother's diligence, as that of a certain decrepit maid-servant, who had + carried her father when a child, as little ones used to be carried at the + backs of elder girls. For which reason, and for her great age, and + excellent conversation, was she, in that Christian family, well respected + by its heads. Whence also the charge of her master's daughters was + entrusted to her, to which she gave diligent heed, restraining them + earnestly, when necessary, with a holy severity, and teaching them with a + grave discretion. For, except at those hours wherein they were most + temporately fed at their parents' table, she would not suffer them, though + parched with thirst, to drink even water; preventing an evil custom, and + adding this wholesome advice: "Ye drink water now, because you have not + wine in your power; but when you come to be married, and be made + mistresses of cellars and cupboards, you will scorn water, but the custom + of drinking will abide." By this method of instruction, and the authority + she had, she refrained the greediness of childhood, and moulded their very + thirst to such an excellent moderation that what they should not, that + they would not. + </p> + <p> + And yet (as Thy handmaid told me her son) there had crept upon her a love + of wine. For when (as the manner was) she, as though a sober maiden, was + bidden by her parents to draw wine out of the hogshed, holding the vessel + under the opening, before she poured the wine into the flagon, she sipped + a little with the tip of her lips; for more her instinctive feelings + refused. For this she did, not out of any desire of drink, but out of the + exuberance of youth, whereby it boils over in mirthful freaks, which in + youthful spirits are wont to be kept under by the gravity of their elders. + And thus by adding to that little, daily littles (for whoso despiseth + little things shall fall by little and little), she had fallen into such a + habit as greedily to drink off her little cup brim-full almost of wine. + Where was then that discreet old woman, and that her earnest + countermanding? Would aught avail against a secret disease, if Thy healing + hand, O Lord, watched not over us? Father, mother, and governors absent, + Thou present, who createdst, who callest, who also by those set over us, + workest something towards the salvation of our souls, what didst Thou + then, O my God? how didst Thou cure her? how heal her? didst Thou not out + of another soul bring forth a hard and a sharp taunt, like a lancet out of + Thy secret store, and with one touch remove all that foul stuff? For a + maid-servant with whom she used to go to the cellar, falling to words (as + it happens) with her little mistress, when alone with her, taunted her + with this fault, with most bitter insult, calling her wine-bibber. With + which taunt she, stung to the quick, saw the foulness of her fault, and + instantly condemned and forsook it. As flattering friends pervert, so + reproachful enemies mostly correct. Yet not what by them Thou doest, but + what themselves purposed, dost Thou repay them. For she in her anger + sought to vex her young mistress, not to amend her; and did it in private, + either for that the time and place of the quarrel so found them; or lest + herself also should have anger, for discovering it thus late. But Thou, + Lord, Governor of all in heaven and earth, who turnest to Thy purposes the + deepest currents, and the ruled turbulence of the tide of times, didst by + the very unhealthiness of one soul heal another; lest any, when he + observes this, should ascribe it to his own power, even when another, whom + he wished to be reformed, is reformed through words of his. + </p> + <p> + Brought up thus modestly and soberly, and made subject rather by Thee to + her parents, than by her parents to Thee, so soon as she was of + marriageable age, being bestowed upon a husband, she served him as her + lord; and did her diligence to win him unto Thee, preaching Thee unto him + by her conversation; by which Thou ornamentedst her, making her reverently + amiable, and admirable unto her husband. And she so endured the wronging + of her bed as never to have any quarrel with her husband thereon. For she + looked for Thy mercy upon him, that believing in Thee, he might be made + chaste. But besides this, he was fervid, as in his affections, so in + anger: but she had learnt not to resist an angry husband, not in deed + only, but not even in word. Only when he was smoothed and tranquil, and in + a temper to receive it, she would give an account of her actions, if haply + he had overhastily taken offence. In a word, while many matrons, who had + milder husbands, yet bore even in their faces marks of shame, would in + familiar talk blame their husbands' lives, she would blame their tongues, + giving them, as in jest, earnest advice: "That from the time they heard + the marriage writings read to them, they should account them as + indentures, whereby they were made servants; and so, remembering their + condition, ought not to set themselves up against their lords." And when + they, knowing what a choleric husband she endured, marvelled that it had + never been heard, nor by any token perceived, that Patricius had beaten + his wife, or that there had been any domestic difference between them, + even for one day, and confidentially asking the reason, she taught them + her practice above mentioned. Those wives who observed it found the good, + and returned thanks; those who observed it not, found no relief, and + suffered. + </p> + <p> + Her mother-in-law also, at first by whisperings of evil servants incensed + against her, she so overcame by observance and persevering endurance and + meekness, that she of her own accord discovered to her son the meddling + tongues whereby the domestic peace betwixt her and her daughter-in-law had + been disturbed, asking him to correct them. Then, when in compliance with + his mother, and for the well-ordering of the family, he had with stripes + corrected those discovered, at her will who had discovered them, she + promised the like reward to any who, to please her, should speak ill of + her daughter-in-law to her: and none now venturing, they lived together + with a remarkable sweetness of mutual kindness. + </p> + <p> + This great gift also thou bestowedst, O my God, my mercy, upon that good + handmaid of Thine, in whose womb Thou createdst me, that between any + disagreeing and discordant parties where she was able, she showed herself + such a peacemaker, that hearing on both sides most bitter things, such as + swelling and indigested choler uses to break out into, when the crudities + of enmities are breathed out in sour discourses to a present friend + against an absent enemy, she never would disclose aught of the one unto + the other, but what might tend to their reconcilement. A small good this + might appear to me, did I not to my grief know numberless persons, who + through some horrible and wide-spreading contagion of sin, not only + disclose to persons mutually angered things said in anger, but add withal + things never spoken, whereas to humane humanity, it ought to seem a light + thing not to foment or increase ill will by ill words, unless one study + withal by good words to quench it. Such was she, Thyself, her most inward + Instructor, teaching her in the school of the heart. + </p> + <p> + Finally, her own husband, towards the very end of his earthly life, did + she gain unto Thee; nor had she to complain of that in him as a believer, + which before he was a believer she had borne from him. She was also the + servant of Thy servants; whosoever of them knew her, did in her much + praise and honour and love Thee; for that through the witness of the + fruits of a holy conversation they perceived Thy presence in her heart. + For she had been the wife of one man, had requited her parents, had + governed her house piously, was well reported of for good works, had + brought up children, so often travailing in birth of them, as she saw them + swerving from Thee. Lastly, of all of us Thy servants, O Lord (whom on + occasion of Thy own gift Thou sufferest to speak), us, who before her + sleeping in Thee lived united together, having received the grace of Thy + baptism, did she so take care of, as though she had been mother of us all; + so served us, as though she had been child to us all. + </p> + <p> + The day now approaching whereon she was to depart this life (which day + Thou well knewest, we knew not), it came to pass, Thyself, as I believe, + by Thy secret ways so ordering it, that she and I stood alone, leaning in + a certain window, which looked into the garden of the house where we now + lay, at Ostia; where removed from the din of men, we were recruiting from + the fatigues of a long journey, for the voyage. We were discoursing then + together, alone, very sweetly; and forgetting those things which are + behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, we were + enquiring between ourselves in the presence of the Truth, which Thou art, + of what sort the eternal life of the saints was to be, which eye hath not + seen, nor ear heard, nor hath it entered into the heart of man. But yet we + gasped with the mouth of our heart, after those heavenly streams of Thy + fountain, the fountain of life, which is with Thee; that being bedewed + thence according to our capacity, we might in some sort meditate upon so + high a mystery. + </p> + <p> + And when our discourse was brought to that point, that the very highest + delight of the earthly senses, in the very purest material light, was, in + respect of the sweetness of that life, not only not worthy of comparison, + but not even of mention; we raising up ourselves with a more glowing + affection towards the "Self-same," did by degrees pass through all things + bodily, even the very heaven whence sun and moon and stars shine upon the + earth; yea, we were soaring higher yet, by inward musing, and discourse, + and admiring of Thy works; and we came to our own minds, and went beyond + them, that we might arrive at that region of never-failing plenty, where + Thou feedest Israel for ever with the food of truth, and where life is the + Wisdom by whom all these things are made, and what have been, and what + shall be, and she is not made, but is, as she hath been, and so shall she + be ever; yea rather, to "have been," and "hereafter to be," are not in + her, but only "to be," seeing she is eternal. For to "have been," and to + "be hereafter," are not eternal. And while we were discoursing and panting + after her, we slightly touched on her with the whole effort of our heart; + and we sighed, and there we leave bound the first fruits of the Spirit; + and returned to vocal expressions of our mouth, where the word spoken has + beginning and end. And what is like unto Thy Word, our Lord, who endureth + in Himself without becoming old, and maketh all things new? + </p> + <p> + We were saying then: If to any the tumult of the flesh were hushed, hushed + the images of earth, and waters, and air, hushed also the pole of heaven, + yea the very soul be hushed to herself, and by not thinking on self + surmount self, hushed all dreams and imaginary revelations, every tongue + and every sign, and whatsoever exists only in transition, since if any + could hear, all these say, We made not ourselves, but He made us that + abideth for ever—If then having uttered this, they too should be + hushed, having roused only our ears to Him who made them, and He alone + speak, not by them but by Himself, that we may hear His Word, not through + any tongue of flesh, nor Angel's voice, nor sound of thunder, nor in the + dark riddle of a similitude, but might hear Whom in these things we love, + might hear His Very Self without these (as we two now strained ourselves, + and in swift thought touched on that Eternal Wisdom which abideth over + all);—could this be continued on, and other visions of kind far + unlike be withdrawn, and this one ravish, and absorb, and wrap up its + beholder amid these inward joys, so that life might be for ever like that + one moment of understanding which now we sighed after; were not this, + Enter into thy Master's joy? And when shall that be? When we shall all + rise again, though we shall not all be changed? + </p> + <p> + Such things was I speaking, and even if not in this very manner, and these + same words, yet, Lord, Thou knowest that in that day when we were speaking + of these things, and this world with all its delights became, as we spake, + contemptible to us, my mother said, "Son, for mine own part I have no + further delight in any thing in this life. What I do here any longer, and + to what I am here, I know not, now that my hopes in this world are + accomplished. One thing there was for which I desired to linger for a + while in this life, that I might see thee a Catholic Christian before I + died. My God hath done this for me more abundantly, that I should now see + thee withal, despising earthly happiness, become His servant: what do I + here?" + </p> + <p> + What answer I made her unto these things, I remember not. For scarce five + days after, or not much more, she fell sick of a fever; and in that + sickness one day she fell into a swoon, and was for a while withdrawn from + these visible things. We hastened round her; but she was soon brought back + to her senses; and looking on me and my brother standing by her, said to + us enquiringly, "Where was I?" And then looking fixedly on us, with grief + amazed: "Here," saith she, "shall you bury your mother." I held my peace + and refrained weeping; but my brother spake something, wishing for her, as + the happier lot, that she might die, not in a strange place, but in her + own land. Whereat, she with anxious look, checking him with her eyes, for + that he still savoured such things, and then looking upon me: "Behold," + saith she, "what he saith": and soon after to us both, "Lay," she saith, + "this body any where; let not the care for that any way disquiet you: this + only I request, that you would remember me at the Lord's altar, wherever + you be." And having delivered this sentiment in what words she could, she + held her peace, being exercised by her growing sickness. + </p> + <p> + But I, considering Thy gifts, Thou unseen God, which Thou instillest into + the hearts of Thy faithful ones, whence wondrous fruits do spring, did + rejoice and give thanks to Thee, recalling what I before knew, how careful + and anxious she had ever been as to her place of burial, which she had + provided and prepared for herself by the body of her husband. For because + they had lived in great harmony together, she also wished (so little can + the human mind embrace things divine) to have this addition to that + happiness, and to have it remembered among men, that after her pilgrimage + beyond the seas, what was earthly of this united pair had been permitted + to be united beneath the same earth. But when this emptiness had through + the fulness of Thy goodness begun to cease in her heart, I knew not, and + rejoiced admiring what she had so disclosed to me; though indeed in that + our discourse also in the window, when she said, "What do I here any + longer?" there appeared no desire of dying in her own country. I heard + afterwards also, that when we were now at Ostia, she with a mother's + confidence, when I was absent, one day discoursed with certain of my + friends about the contempt of this life, and the blessing of death: and + when they were amazed at such courage which Thou hadst given to a woman, + and asked, "Whether she were not afraid to leave her body so far from her + own city?" she replied, "Nothing is far to God; nor was it to be feared + lest at the end of the world, He should not recognise whence He were to + raise me up." On the ninth day then of her sickness, and the fifty-sixth + year of her age, and the three-and-thirtieth of mine, was that religious + and holy soul freed from the body. + </p> + <p> + I closed her eyes; and there flowed withal a mighty sorrow into my heart, + which was overflowing into tears; mine eyes at the same time, by the + violent command of my mind, drank up their fountain wholly dry; and woe + was me in such a strife! But when she breathed her last, the boy Adeodatus + burst out into a loud lament; then, checked by us all, held his peace. In + like manner also a childish feeling in me, which was, through my heart's + youthful voice, finding its vent in weeping, was checked and silenced. For + we thought it not fitting to solemnise that funeral with tearful lament, + and groanings; for thereby do they for the most part express grief for the + departed, as though unhappy, or altogether dead; whereas she was neither + unhappy in her death, nor altogether dead. Of this we were assured on good + grounds, the testimony of her good conversation and her faith unfeigned. + </p> + <p> + What then was it which did grievously pain me within, but a fresh wound + wrought through the sudden wrench of that most sweet and dear custom of + living together? I joyed indeed in her testimony, when, in that her last + sickness, mingling her endearments with my acts of duty, she called me + "dutiful," and mentioned, with great affection of love, that she never had + heard any harsh or reproachful sound uttered by my mouth against her. But + yet, O my God, Who madest us, what comparison is there betwixt that honour + that I paid to her, and her slavery for me? Being then forsaken of so + great comfort in her, my soul was wounded, and that life rent asunder as + it were, which, of hers and mine together, had been made but one. + </p> + <p> + The boy then being stilled from weeping, Euodius took up the Psalter, and + began to sing, our whole house answering him, the Psalm, I will sing of + mercy and judgments to Thee, O Lord. But hearing what we were doing, many + brethren and religious women came together; and whilst they (whose office + it was) made ready for the burial, as the manner is, I, in a part of the + house, where I might properly, together with those who thought not fit to + leave me, discoursed upon something fitting the time; and by this balm of + truth assuaged that torment, known to Thee, they unknowing and listening + intently, and conceiving me to be without all sense of sorrow. But in Thy + ears, where none of them heard, I blamed the weakness of my feelings, and + refrained my flood of grief, which gave way a little unto me; but again + came, as with a tide, yet not so as to burst out into tears, nor to change + of countenance; still I knew what I was keeping down in my heart. And + being very much displeased that these human things had such power over me, + which in the due order and appointment of our natural condition must needs + come to pass, with a new grief I grieved for my grief, and was thus worn + by a double sorrow. + </p> + <p> + And behold, the corpse was carried to the burial; we went and returned + without tears. For neither in those prayers which we poured forth unto + Thee, when the Sacrifice of our ransom was offered for her, when now the + corpse was by the grave's side, as the manner there is, previous to its + being laid therein, did I weep even during those prayers; yet was I the + whole day in secret heavily sad, and with troubled mind prayed Thee, as I + could, to heal my sorrow, yet Thou didst not; impressing, I believe, upon + my memory by this one instance, how strong is the bond of all habit, even + upon a soul, which now feeds upon no deceiving Word. It seemed also good + to me to go and bathe, having heard that the bath had its name (balneum) + from the Greek Balaneion for that it drives sadness from the mind. And + this also I confess unto Thy mercy, Father of the fatherless, that I + bathed, and was the same as before I bathed. For the bitterness of sorrow + could not exude out of my heart. Then I slept, and woke up again, and + found my grief not a little softened; and as I was alone in my bed, I + remembered those true verses of Thy Ambrose. For Thou art the + </p> + +<p class="poem"> + "Maker of all, the Lord,<br/> + And Ruler of the height,<br/> + Who, robing day in light, hast poured<br/> + Soft slumbers o'er the night,<br/> + That to our limbs the power<br/> + Of toil may be renew'd,<br/> + And hearts be rais'd that sink and cower,<br/> + And sorrows be subdu'd." +</p> + <p> + And then by little and little I recovered my former thoughts of Thy + handmaid, her holy conversation towards Thee, her holy tenderness and + observance towards us, whereof I was suddenly deprived: and I was minded + to weep in Thy sight, for her and for myself, in her behalf and in my own. + And I gave way to the tears which I before restrained, to overflow as much + as they desired; reposing my heart upon them; and it found rest in them, + for it was in Thy ears, not in those of man, who would have scornfully + interpreted my weeping. And now, Lord, in writing I confess it unto Thee. + Read it, who will, and interpret it, how he will: and if he finds sin + therein, that I wept my mother for a small portion of an hour (the mother + who for the time was dead to mine eyes, who had for many years wept for me + that I might live in Thine eyes), let him not deride me; but rather, if he + be one of large charity, let him weep himself for my sins unto Thee, the + Father of all the brethren of Thy Christ. + </p> + <p> + But now, with a heart cured of that wound, wherein it might seem + blameworthy for an earthly feeling, I pour out unto Thee, our God, in + behalf of that Thy handmaid, a far different kind of tears, flowing from a + spirit shaken by the thoughts of the dangers of every soul that dieth in + Adam. And although she having been quickened in Christ, even before her + release from the flesh, had lived to the praise of Thy name for her faith + and conversation; yet dare I not say that from what time Thou + regeneratedst her by baptism, no word issued from her mouth against Thy + Commandment. Thy Son, the Truth, hath said, Whosoever shall say unto his + brother, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire. And woe be even unto + the commendable life of men, if, laying aside mercy, Thou shouldest + examine it. But because Thou art not extreme in enquiring after sins, we + confidently hope to find some place with Thee. But whosoever reckons up + his real merits to Thee, what reckons he up to Thee but Thine own gifts? O + that men would know themselves to be men; and that he that glorieth would + glory in the Lord. + </p> + <p> + I therefore, O my Praise and my Life, God of my heart, laying aside for a + while her good deeds, for which I give thanks to Thee with joy, do now + beseech Thee for the sins of my mother. Hearken unto me, I entreat Thee, + by the Medicine of our wounds, Who hung upon the tree, and now sitting at + Thy right hand maketh intercession to Thee for us. I know that she dealt + mercifully, and from her heart forgave her debtors their debts; do Thou + also forgive her debts, whatever she may have contracted in so many years, + since the water of salvation. Forgive her, Lord, forgive, I beseech Thee; + enter not into judgment with her. Let Thy mercy be exalted above Thy + justice, since Thy words are true, and Thou hast promised mercy unto the + merciful; which Thou gavest them to be, who wilt have mercy on whom Thou + wilt have mercy; and wilt have compassion on whom Thou hast had + compassion. + </p> + <p> + And, I believe, Thou hast already done what I ask; but accept, O Lord, the + free-will offerings of my mouth. For she, the day of her dissolution now + at hand, took no thought to have her body sumptuously wound up, or + embalmed with spices; nor desired she a choice monument, or to be buried + in her own land. These things she enjoined us not; but desired only to + have her name commemorated at Thy Altar, which she had served without + intermission of one day: whence she knew the holy Sacrifice to be + dispensed, by which the hand-writing that was against us is blotted out; + through which the enemy was triumphed over, who summing up our offences, + and seeking what to lay to our charge, found nothing in Him, in Whom we + conquer. Who shall restore to Him the innocent blood? Who repay Him the + price wherewith He bought us, and so take us from Him? Unto the Sacrament + of which our ransom, Thy handmaid bound her soul by the bond of faith. Let + none sever her from Thy protection: let neither the lion nor the dragon + interpose himself by force or fraud. For she will not answer that she owes + nothing, lest she be convicted and seized by the crafty accuser: but she + will answer that her sins are forgiven her by Him, to Whom none can repay + that price which He, Who owed nothing, paid for us. + </p> + <p> + May she rest then in peace with the husband before and after whom she had + never any; whom she obeyed, with patience bringing forth fruit unto Thee, + that she might win him also unto Thee. And inspire, O Lord my God, inspire + Thy servants my brethren, Thy sons my masters, whom with voice, and heart, + and pen I serve, that so many as shall read these Confessions, may at Thy + Altar remember Monnica Thy handmaid, with Patricius, her sometimes + husband, by whose bodies Thou broughtest me into this life, how I know + not. May they with devout affection remember my parents in this transitory + light, my brethren under Thee our Father in our Catholic Mother, and my + fellow-citizens in that eternal Jerusalem which Thy pilgrim people sigheth + after from their Exodus, even unto their return thither. That so my + mother's last request of me, may through my confessions, more than through + my prayers, be, through the prayers of many, more abundantly fulfilled to + her. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"></a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOOK X + </h2> + <p> + Let me know Thee, O Lord, who knowest me: let me know Thee, as I am known. + Power of my soul, enter into it, and fit it for Thee, that Thou mayest + have and hold it without spot or wrinkle. This is my hope, therefore do I + speak; and in this hope do I rejoice, when I rejoice healthfully. Other + things of this life are the less to be sorrowed for, the more they are + sorrowed for; and the more to be sorrowed for, the less men sorrow for + them. For behold, Thou lovest the truth, and he that doth it, cometh to + the light. This would I do in my heart before Thee in confession: and in + my writing, before many witnesses. + </p> + <p> + And from Thee, O Lord, unto whose eyes the abyss of man's conscience is + naked, what could be hidden in me though I would not confess it? For I + should hide Thee from me, not me from Thee. But now, for that my groaning + is witness, that I am displeased with myself, Thou shinest out, and art + pleasing, and beloved, and longed for; that I may be ashamed of myself, + and renounce myself, and choose Thee, and neither please Thee nor myself, + but in Thee. To Thee therefore, O Lord, am I open, whatever I am; and with + what fruit I confess unto Thee, I have said. Nor do I it with words and + sounds of the flesh, but with the words of my soul, and the cry of the + thought which Thy ear knoweth. For when I am evil, then to confess to Thee + is nothing else than to be displeased with myself; but when holy, nothing + else than not to ascribe it to myself: because Thou, O Lord, blessest the + godly, but first Thou justifieth him when ungodly. My confession then, O + my God, in Thy sight, is made silently, and not silently. For in sound, it + is silent; in affection, it cries aloud. For neither do I utter any thing + right unto men, which Thou hast not before heard from me; nor dost Thou + hear any such thing from me, which Thou hast not first said unto me. + </p> + <p> + What then have I to do with men, that they should hear my confessions—as + if they could heal all my infirmities—a race, curious to know the + lives of others, slothful to amend their own? Why seek they to hear from + me what I am; who will not hear from Thee what themselves are? And how + know they, when from myself they hear of myself, whether I say true; + seeing no man knows what is in man, but the spirit of man which is in him? + But if they hear from Thee of themselves, they cannot say, "The Lord + lieth." For what is it to hear from Thee of themselves, but to know + themselves? and who knoweth and saith, "It is false," unless himself + lieth? But because charity believeth all things (that is, among those whom + knitting unto itself it maketh one), I also, O Lord, will in such wise + confess unto Thee, that men may hear, to whom I cannot demonstrate whether + I confess truly; yet they believe me, whose ears charity openeth unto me. + </p> + <p> + But do Thou, my inmost Physician, make plain unto me what fruit I may reap + by doing it. For the confessions of my past sins, which Thou hast forgiven + and covered, that Thou mightest bless me in Thee, changing my soul by + Faith and Thy Sacrament, when read and heard, stir up the heart, that it + sleep not in despair and say "I cannot," but awake in the love of Thy + mercy and the sweetness of Thy grace, whereby whoso is weak, is strong, + when by it he became conscious of his own weakness. And the good delight + to hear of the past evils of such as are now freed from them, not because + they are evils, but because they have been and are not. With what fruit + then, O Lord my God, to Whom my conscience daily confesseth, trusting more + in the hope of Thy mercy than in her own innocency, with what fruit, I + pray, do I by this book confess to men also in Thy presence what I now am, + not what I have been? For that other fruit I have seen and spoken of. But + what I now am, at the very time of making these confessions, divers desire + to know, who have or have not known me, who have heard from me or of me; + but their ear is not at my heart where I am, whatever I am. They wish then + to hear me confess what I am within; whither neither their eye, nor ear, + nor understanding can reach; they wish it, as ready to believe—but + will they know? For charity, whereby they are good, telleth them that in + my confessions I lie not; and she in them, believeth me. + </p> + <p> + But for what fruit would they hear this? Do they desire to joy with me, + when they hear how near, by Thy gift, I approach unto Thee? and to pray + for me, when they shall hear how much I am held back by my own weight? To + such will I discover myself. For it is no mean fruit, O Lord my God, that + by many thanks should be given to Thee on our behalf, and Thou be by many + entreated for us. Let the brotherly mind love in me what Thou teachest is + to be loved, and lament in me what Thou teachest is to be lamented. Let a + brotherly, not a stranger, mind, not that of the strange children, whose + mouth talketh of vanity, and their right hand is a right hand of iniquity, + but that brotherly mind which when it approveth, rejoiceth for me, and + when it disapproveth me, is sorry for me; because whether it approveth or + disapproveth, it loveth me. To such will I discover myself: they will + breathe freely at my good deeds, sigh for my ill. My good deeds are Thine + appointments, and Thy gifts; my evil ones are my offences, and Thy + judgments. Let them breathe freely at the one, sigh at the other; and let + hymns and weeping go up into Thy sight, out of the hearts of my brethren, + Thy censers. And do Thou, O Lord, be pleased with the incense of Thy holy + temple, have mercy upon me according to Thy great mercy for Thine own + name's sake; and no ways forsaking what Thou hast begun, perfect my + imperfections. + </p> + <p> + This is the fruit of my confessions of what I am, not of what I have been, + to confess this, not before Thee only, in a secret exultation with + trembling, and a secret sorrow with hope; but in the ears also of the + believing sons of men, sharers of my joy, and partners in my mortality, my + fellow-citizens, and fellow-pilgrims, who are gone before, or are to + follow on, companions of my way. These are Thy servants, my brethren, whom + Thou willest to be Thy sons; my masters, whom Thou commandest me to serve, + if I would live with Thee, of Thee. But this Thy Word were little did it + only command by speaking, and not go before in performing. This then I do + in deed and word, this I do under Thy wings; in over great peril, were not + my soul subdued unto Thee under Thy wings, and my infirmity known unto + Thee. I am a little one, but my Father ever liveth, and my Guardian is + sufficient for me. For He is the same who begat me, and defends me: and + Thou Thyself art all my good; Thou, Almighty, Who are with me, yea, before + I am with Thee. To such then whom Thou commandest me to serve will I + discover, not what I have been, but what I now am and what I yet am. But + neither do I judge myself. Thus therefore I would be heard. + </p> + <p> + For Thou, Lord, dost judge me: because, although no man knoweth the things + of a man, but the spirit of a man which is in him, yet is there something + of man, which neither the spirit of man that is in him, itself knoweth. + But Thou, Lord, knowest all of him, Who hast made him. Yet I, though in + Thy sight I despise myself, and account myself dust and ashes; yet know I + something of Thee, which I know not of myself. And truly, now we see + through a glass darkly, not face to face as yet. So long therefore as I be + absent from Thee, I am more present with myself than with Thee; and yet + know I Thee that Thou art in no ways passible; but I, what temptations I + can resist, what I cannot, I know not. And there is hope, because Thou art + faithful, Who wilt not suffer us to be tempted above that we are able; but + wilt with the temptation also make a way to escape, that we may be able to + bear it. I will confess then what I know of myself, I will confess also + what I know not of myself. And that because what I do know of myself, I + know by Thy shining upon me; and what I know not of myself, so long know I + not it, until my darkness be made as the noon-day in Thy countenance. + </p> + <p> + Not with doubting, but with assured consciousness, do I love Thee, Lord. + Thou hast stricken my heart with Thy word, and I loved Thee. Yea also + heaven, and earth, and all that therein is, behold, on every side they bid + me love Thee; nor cease to say so unto all, that they may be without + excuse. But more deeply wilt Thou have mercy on whom Thou wilt have mercy, + and wilt have compassion on whom Thou hast had compassion: else in deaf + ears do the heaven and the earth speak Thy praises. But what do I love, + when I love Thee? not beauty of bodies, nor the fair harmony of time, nor + the brightness of the light, so gladsome to our eyes, nor sweet melodies + of varied songs, nor the fragrant smell of flowers, and ointments, and + spices, not manna and honey, not limbs acceptable to embracements of + flesh. None of these I love, when I love my God; and yet I love a kind of + light, and melody, and fragrance, and meat, and embracement when I love my + God, the light, melody, fragrance, meat, embracement of my inner man: + where there shineth unto my soul what space cannot contain, and there + soundeth what time beareth not away, and there smelleth what breathing + disperseth not, and there tasteth what eating diminisheth not, and there + clingeth what satiety divorceth not. This is it which I love when I love + my God. + </p> + <p> + And what is this? I asked the earth, and it answered me, "I am not He"; + and whatsoever are in it confessed the same. I asked the sea and the + deeps, and the living creeping things, and they answered, "We are not thy + God, seek above us." I asked the moving air; and the whole air with his + inhabitants answered, "Anaximenes was deceived, I am not God." I asked the + heavens, sun, moon, stars, "Nor (say they) are we the God whom thou + seekest." And I replied unto all the things which encompass the door of my + flesh: "Ye have told me of my God, that ye are not He; tell me something + of Him." And they cried out with a loud voice, "He made us." My + questioning them, was my thoughts on them: and their form of beauty gave + the answer. And I turned myself unto myself, and said to myself, "Who art + thou?" And I answered, "A man." And behold, in me there present themselves + to me soul, and body, one without, the other within. By which of these + ought I to seek my God? I had sought Him in the body from earth to heaven, + so far as I could send messengers, the beams of mine eyes. But the better + is the inner, for to it as presiding and judging, all the bodily + messengers reported the answers of heaven and earth, and all things + therein, who said, "We are not God, but He made us." These things did my + inner man know by the ministry of the outer: I the inner knew them; I, the + mind, through the senses of my body. I asked the whole frame of the world + about my God; and it answered me, "I am not He, but He made me." + </p> + <p> + Is not this corporeal figure apparent to all whose senses are perfect? why + then speaks it not the same to all? Animals small and great see it, but + they cannot ask it: because no reason is set over their senses to judge on + what they report. But men can ask, so that the invisible things of God are + clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made; but by love of + them, they are made subject unto them: and subjects cannot judge. Nor yet + do the creatures answer such as ask, unless they can judge; nor yet do + they change their voice (i.e., their appearance), if one man only sees, + another seeing asks, so as to appear one way to this man, another way to + that, but appearing the same way to both, it is dumb to this, speaks to + that; yea rather it speaks to all; but they only understand, who compare + its voice received from without, with the truth within. For truth saith + unto me, "Neither heaven, nor earth, nor any other body is thy God." This, + their very nature saith to him that seeth them: "They are a mass; a mass + is less in a part thereof than in the whole." Now to thee I speak, O my + soul, thou art my better part: for thou quickenest the mass of my body, + giving it life, which no body can give to a body: but thy God is even unto + thee the Life of thy life. + </p> + <p> + What then do I love, when I love my God? who is He above the head of my + soul? By my very soul will I ascend to Him. I will pass beyond that power + whereby I am united to my body, and fill its whole frame with life. Nor + can I by that power find my God; for so horse and mule that have no + understanding might find Him; seeing it is the same power, whereby even + their bodies live. But another power there is, not that only whereby I + animate, but that too whereby I imbue with sense my flesh, which the Lord + hath framed for me: commanding the eye not to hear, and the ear not to + see; but the eye, that through it I should see, and the ear, that through + it I should hear; and to the other senses severally, what is to each their + own peculiar seats and offices; which, being divers, I the one mind, do + through them enact. I will pass beyond this power of mine also; for this + also have the horse, and mule, for they also perceive through the body. + </p> + <p> + I will pass then beyond this power of my nature also, rising by degrees + unto Him Who made me. And I come to the fields and spacious palaces of my + memory, where are the treasures of innumerable images, brought into it + from things of all sorts perceived by the senses. There is stored up, + whatsoever besides we think, either by enlarging or diminishing, or any + other way varying those things which the sense hath come to; and whatever + else hath been committed and laid up, which forgetfulness hath not yet + swallowed up and buried. When I enter there, I require what I will to be + brought forth, and something instantly comes; others must be longer sought + after, which are fetched, as it were, out of some inner receptacle; others + rush out in troops, and while one thing is desired and required, they + start forth, as who should say, "Is it perchance I?" These I drive away + with the hand of my heart, from the face of my remembrance; until what I + wish for be unveiled, and appear in sight, out of its secret place. Other + things come up readily, in unbroken order, as they are called for; those + in front making way for the following; and as they make way, they are + hidden from sight, ready to come when I will. All which takes place when I + repeat a thing by heart. + </p> + <p> + There are all things preserved distinctly and under general heads, each + having entered by its own avenue: as light, and all colours and forms of + bodies by the eyes; by the ears all sorts of sounds; all smells by the + avenue of the nostrils; all tastes by the mouth; and by the sensation of + the whole body, what is hard or soft; hot or cold; or rugged; heavy or + light; either outwardly or inwardly to the body. All these doth that great + harbour of the memory receive in her numberless secret and inexpressible + windings, to be forthcoming, and brought out at need; each entering in by + his own gate, and there laid up. Nor yet do the things themselves enter + in; only the images of the things perceived are there in readiness, for + thought to recall. Which images, how they are formed, who can tell, though + it doth plainly appear by which sense each hath been brought in and stored + up? For even while I dwell in darkness and silence, in my memory I can + produce colours, if I will, and discern betwixt black and white, and what + others I will: nor yet do sounds break in and disturb the image drawn in + by my eyes, which I am reviewing, though they also are there, lying + dormant, and laid up, as it were, apart. For these too I call for, and + forthwith they appear. And though my tongue be still, and my throat mute, + so can I sing as much as I will; nor do those images of colours, which + notwithstanding be there, intrude themselves and interrupt, when another + store is called for, which flowed in by the ears. So the other things, + piled in and up by the other senses, I recall at my pleasure. Yea, I + discern the breath of lilies from violets, though smelling nothing; and I + prefer honey to sweet wine, smooth before rugged, at the time neither + tasting nor handling, but remembering only. + </p> + <p> + These things do I within, in that vast court of my memory. For there are + present with me, heaven, earth, sea, and whatever I could think on + therein, besides what I have forgotten. There also meet I with myself, and + recall myself, and when, where, and what I have done, and under what + feelings. There be all which I remember, either on my own experience, or + other's credit. Out of the same store do I myself with the past + continually combine fresh and fresh likenesses of things which I have + experienced, or, from what I have experienced, have believed: and thence + again infer future actions, events and hopes, and all these again I + reflect on, as present. "I will do this or that," say I to myself, in that + great receptacle of my mind, stored with the images of things so many and + so great, "and this or that will follow." "O that this or that might be!" + "God avert this or that!" So speak I to myself: and when I speak, the + images of all I speak of are present, out of the same treasury of memory; + nor would I speak of any thereof, were the images wanting. + </p> + <p> + Great is this force of memory, excessive great, O my God; a large and + boundless chamber! who ever sounded the bottom thereof? yet is this a + power of mine, and belongs unto my nature; nor do I myself comprehend all + that I am. Therefore is the mind too strait to contain itself. And where + should that be, which it containeth not of itself? Is it without it, and + not within? how then doth it not comprehend itself? A wonderful admiration + surprises me, amazement seizes me upon this. And men go abroad to admire + the heights of mountains, the mighty billows of the sea, the broad tides + of rivers, the compass of the ocean, and the circuits of the stars, and + pass themselves by; nor wonder that when I spake of all these things, I + did not see them with mine eyes, yet could not have spoken of them, unless + I then actually saw the mountains, billows, rivers, stars which I had + seen, and that ocean which I believe to be, inwardly in my memory, and + that, with the same vast spaces between, as if I saw them abroad. Yet did + not I by seeing draw them into myself, when with mine eyes I beheld them; + nor are they themselves with me, but their images only. And I know by what + sense of the body each was impressed upon me. + </p> + <p> + Yet not these alone does the unmeasurable capacity of my memory retain. + Here also is all, learnt of the liberal sciences and as yet unforgotten; + removed as it were to some inner place, which is yet no place: nor are + they the images thereof, but the things themselves. For, what is + literature, what the art of disputing, how many kinds of questions there + be, whatsoever of these I know, in such manner exists in my memory, as + that I have not taken in the image, and left out the thing, or that it + should have sounded and passed away like a voice fixed on the ear by that + impress, whereby it might be recalled, as if it sounded, when it no longer + sounded; or as a smell while it passes and evaporates into air affects the + sense of smell, whence it conveys into the memory an image of itself, + which remembering, we renew, or as meat, which verily in the belly hath + now no taste, and yet in the memory still in a manner tasteth; or as any + thing which the body by touch perceiveth, and which when removed from us, + the memory still conceives. For those things are not transmitted into the + memory, but their images only are with an admirable swiftness caught up, + and stored as it were in wondrous cabinets, and thence wonderfully by the + act of remembering, brought forth. + </p> + <p> + But now when I hear that there be three kinds of questions, "Whether the + thing be? what it is? of what kind it is?" I do indeed hold the images of + the sounds of which those words be composed, and that those sounds, with a + noise passed through the air, and now are not. But the things themselves + which are signified by those sounds, I never reached with any sense of my + body, nor ever discerned them otherwise than in my mind; yet in my memory + have I laid up not their images, but themselves. Which how they entered + into me, let them say if they can; for I have gone over all the avenues of + my flesh, but cannot find by which they entered. For the eyes say, "If + those images were coloured, we reported of them." The ears say, "If they + sound, we gave knowledge of them." The nostrils say, "If they smell, they + passed by us." The taste says, "Unless they have a savour, ask me not." + The touch says, "If it have not size, I handled it not; if I handled it + not, I gave no notice of it." Whence and how entered these things into my + memory? I know not how. For when I learned them, I gave not credit to + another man's mind, but recognised them in mine; and approving them for + true, I commended them to it, laying them up as it were, whence I might + bring them forth when I willed. In my heart then they were, even before I + learned them, but in my memory they were not. Where then? or wherefore, + when they were spoken, did I acknowledge them, and said, "So is it, it is + true," unless that they were already in the memory, but so thrown back and + buried as it were in deeper recesses, that had not the suggestion of + another drawn them forth I had perchance been unable to conceive of them? + </p> + <p> + Wherefore we find, that to learn these things whereof we imbibe not the + images by our senses, but perceive within by themselves, without images, + as they are, is nothing else, but by conception, to receive, and by + marking to take heed that those things which the memory did before contain + at random and unarranged, be laid up at hand as it were in that same + memory where before they lay unknown, scattered and neglected, and so + readily occur to the mind familiarised to them. And how many things of + this kind does my memory bear which have been already found out, and as I + said, placed as it were at hand, which we are said to have learned and + come to know which were I for some short space of time to cease to call to + mind, they are again so buried, and glide back, as it were, into the + deeper recesses, that they must again, as if new, be thought out thence, + for other abode they have none: but they must be drawn together again, + that they may be known; that is to say, they must as it were be collected + together from their dispersion: whence the word "cogitation" is derived. + For cogo (collect) and cogito (re-collect) have the same relation to each + other as ago and agito, facio and factito. But the mind hath appropriated + to itself this word (cogitation), so that, not what is "collected" any + how, but what is "recollected," i.e., brought together, in the mind, is + properly said to be cogitated, or thought upon. + </p> + <p> + The memory containeth also reasons and laws innumerable of numbers and + dimensions, none of which hath any bodily sense impressed; seeing they + have neither colour, nor sound, nor taste, nor smell, nor touch. I have + heard the sound of the words whereby when discussed they are denoted: but + the sounds are other than the things. For the sounds are other in Greek + than in Latin; but the things are neither Greek, nor Latin, nor any other + language. I have seen the lines of architects, the very finest, like a + spider's thread; but those are still different, they are not the images of + those lines which the eye of flesh showed me: he knoweth them, whosoever + without any conception whatsoever of a body, recognises them within + himself. I have perceived also the numbers of the things with which we + number all the senses of my body; but those numbers wherewith we number + are different, nor are they the images of these, and therefore they indeed + are. Let him who seeth them not, deride me for saying these things, and I + will pity him, while he derides me. + </p> + <p> + All these things I remember, and how I learnt them I remember. Many things + also most falsely objected against them have I heard, and remember; which + though they be false, yet is it not false that I remember them; and I + remember also that I have discerned betwixt those truths and these + falsehoods objected to them. And I perceive that the present discerning of + these things is different from remembering that I oftentimes discerned + them, when I often thought upon them. I both remember then to have often + understood these things; and what I now discern and understand, I lay up + in my memory, that hereafter I may remember that I understand it now. So + then I remember also to have remembered; as if hereafter I shall call to + remembrance, that I have now been able to remember these things, by the + force of memory shall I call it to remembrance. + </p> + <p> + The same memory contains also the affections of my mind, not in the same + manner that my mind itself contains them, when it feels them; but far + otherwise, according to a power of its own. For without rejoicing I + remember myself to have joyed; and without sorrow do I recollect my past + sorrow. And that I once feared, I review without fear; and without desire + call to mind a past desire. Sometimes, on the contrary, with joy do I + remember my fore-past sorrow, and with sorrow, joy. Which is not + wonderful, as to the body; for mind is one thing, body another. If I + therefore with joy remember some past pain of body, it is not so + wonderful. But now seeing this very memory itself is mind (for when we + give a thing in charge, to be kept in memory, we say, "See that you keep + it in mind"; and when we forget, we say, "It did not come to my mind," + and, "It slipped out of my mind," calling the memory itself the mind); + this being so, how is it that when with joy I remember my past sorrow, the + mind hath joy, the memory hath sorrow; the mind upon the joyfulness which + is in it, is joyful, yet the memory upon the sadness which is in it, is + not sad? Does the memory perchance not belong to the mind? Who will say + so? The memory then is, as it were, the belly of the mind, and joy and + sadness, like sweet and bitter food; which, when committed to the memory, + are as it were passed into the belly, where they may be stowed, but cannot + taste. Ridiculous it is to imagine these to be alike; and yet are they not + utterly unlike. + </p> + <p> + But, behold, out of my memory I bring it, when I say there be four + perturbations of the mind, desire, joy, fear, sorrow; and whatsoever I can + dispute thereon, by dividing each into its subordinate species, and by + defining it, in my memory find I what to say, and thence do I bring it: + yet am I not disturbed by any of these perturbations, when by calling them + to mind, I remember them; yea, and before I recalled and brought them + back, they were there; and therefore could they, by recollection, thence + be brought. Perchance, then, as meat is by chewing the cud brought up out + of the belly, so by recollection these out of the memory. Why then does + not the disputer, thus recollecting, taste in the mouth of his musing the + sweetness of joy, or the bitterness of sorrow? Is the comparison unlike in + this, because not in all respects like? For who would willingly speak + thereof, if so oft as we name grief or fear, we should be compelled to be + sad or fearful? And yet could we not speak of them, did we not find in our + memory, not only the sounds of the names according to the images impressed + by the senses of the body, but notions of the very things themselves which + we never received by any avenue of the body, but which the mind itself + perceiving by the experience of its own passions, committed to the memory, + or the memory of itself retained, without being committed unto it. + </p> + <p> + But whether by images or no, who can readily say? Thus, I name a stone, I + name the sun, the things themselves not being present to my senses, but + their images to my memory. I name a bodily pain, yet it is not present + with me, when nothing aches: yet unless its image were present to my + memory, I should not know what to say thereof, nor in discoursing discern + pain from pleasure. I name bodily health; being sound in body, the thing + itself is present with me; yet, unless its image also were present in my + memory, I could by no means recall what the sound of this name should + signify. Nor would the sick, when health were named, recognise what were + spoken, unless the same image were by the force of memory retained, + although the thing itself were absent from the body. I name numbers + whereby we number; and not their images, but themselves are present in my + memory. I name the image of the sun, and that image is present in my + memory. For I recall not the image of its image, but the image itself is + present to me, calling it to mind. I name memory, and I recognise what I + name. And where do I recognise it, but in the memory itself? Is it also + present to itself by its image, and not by itself? + </p> + <p> + What, when I name forgetfulness, and withal recognise what I name? whence + should I recognise it, did I not remember it? I speak not of the sound of + the name, but of the thing which it signifies: which if I had forgotten, I + could not recognise what that sound signifies. When then I remember + memory, memory itself is, through itself, present with itself: but when I + remember forgetfulness, there are present both memory and forgetfulness; + memory whereby I remember, forgetfulness which I remember. But what is + forgetfulness, but the privation of memory? How then is it present that I + remember it, since when present I cannot remember? But if what we remember + we hold it in memory, yet, unless we did remember forgetfulness, we could + never at the hearing of the name recognise the thing thereby signified, + then forgetfulness is retained by memory. Present then it is, that we + forget not, and being so, we forget. It is to be understood from this that + forgetfulness when we remember it, is not present to the memory by itself + but by its image: because if it were present by itself, it would not cause + us to remember, but to forget. Who now shall search out this? who shall + comprehend how it is? + </p> + <p> + Lord, I, truly, toil therein, yea and toil in myself; I am become a heavy + soil requiring over much sweat of the brow. For we are not now searching + out the regions of heaven, or measuring the distances of the stars, or + enquiring the balancings of the earth. It is I myself who remember, I the + mind. It is not so wonderful, if what I myself am not, be far from me. But + what is nearer to me than myself? And lo, the force of mine own memory is + not understood by me; though I cannot so much as name myself without it. + For what shall I say, when it is clear to me that I remember + forgetfulness? Shall I say that that is not in my memory, which I + remember? or shall I say that forgetfulness is for this purpose in my + memory, that I might not forget? Both were most absurd. What third way is + there? How can I say that the image of forgetfulness is retained by my + memory, not forgetfulness itself, when I remember it? How could I say this + either, seeing that when the image of any thing is impressed on the + memory, the thing itself must needs be first present, whence that image + may be impressed? For thus do I remember Carthage, thus all places where I + have been, thus men's faces whom I have seen, and things reported by the + other senses; thus the health or sickness of the body. For when these + things were present, my memory received from them images, which being + present with me, I might look on and bring back in my mind, when I + remembered them in their absence. If then this forgetfulness is retained + in the memory through its image, not through itself, then plainly itself + was once present, that its image might be taken. But when it was present, + how did it write its image in the memory, seeing that forgetfulness by its + presence effaces even what it finds already noted? And yet, in whatever + way, although that way be past conceiving and explaining, yet certain am I + that I remember forgetfulness itself also, whereby what we remember is + effaced. + </p> + <p> + Great is the power of memory, a fearful thing, O my God, a deep and + boundless manifoldness; and this thing is the mind, and this am I myself. + What am I then, O my God? What nature am I? A life various and manifold, + and exceeding immense. Behold in the plains, and caves, and caverns of my + memory, innumerable and innumerably full of innumerable kinds of things, + either through images, as all bodies; or by actual presence, as the arts; + or by certain notions or impressions, as the affections of the mind, + which, even when the mind doth not feel, the memory retaineth, while yet + whatsoever is in the memory is also in the mind—over all these do I + run, I fly; I dive on this side and on that, as far as I can, and there is + no end. So great is the force of memory, so great the force of life, even + in the mortal life of man. What shall I do then, O Thou my true life, my + God? I will pass even beyond this power of mine which is called memory: + yea, I will pass beyond it, that I may approach unto Thee, O sweet Light. + What sayest Thou to me? See, I am mounting up through my mind towards Thee + who abidest above me. Yea, I now will pass beyond this power of mine which + is called memory, desirous to arrive at Thee, whence Thou mayest be + arrived at; and to cleave unto Thee, whence one may cleave unto Thee. For + even beasts and birds have memory; else could they not return to their + dens and nests, nor many other things they are used unto: nor indeed could + they be used to any thing, but by memory. I will pass then beyond memory + also, that I may arrive at Him who hath separated me from the four-footed + beasts and made me wiser than the fowls of the air, I will pass beyond + memory also, and where shall I find Thee, Thou truly good and certain + sweetness? And where shall I find Thee? If I find Thee without my memory, + then do I not retain Thee in my memory. And how shall I find Thee, if I + remember Thee not? + </p> + <p> + For the woman that had lost her groat, and sought it with a light; unless + she had remembered it, she had never found it. For when it was found, + whence should she know whether it were the same, unless she remembered it? + I remember to have sought and found many a thing; and this I thereby know, + that when I was seeking any of them, and was asked, "Is this it?" "Is that + it?" so long said I "No," until that were offered me which I sought. Which + had I not remembered (whatever it were) though it were offered me, yet + should I not find it, because I could not recognise it. And so it ever is, + when we seek and find any lost thing. Notwithstanding, when any thing is + by chance lost from the sight, not from the memory (as any visible body), + yet its image is still retained within, and it is sought until it be + restored to sight; and when it is found, it is recognised by the image + which is within: nor do we say that we have found what was lost, unless we + recognise it; nor can we recognise it, unless we remember it. But this was + lost to the eyes, but retained in the memory. + </p> + <p> + But what when the memory itself loses any thing, as falls out when we + forget and seek that we may recollect? Where in the end do we search, but + in the memory itself? and there, if one thing be perchance offered instead + of another, we reject it, until what we seek meets us; and when it doth, + we say, "This is it"; which we should not unless we recognised it, nor + recognise it unless we remembered it. Certainly then we had forgotten it. + Or, had not the whole escaped us, but by the part whereof we had hold, was + the lost part sought for; in that the memory felt that it did not carry on + together all which it was wont, and maimed, as it were, by the curtailment + of its ancient habit, demanded the restoration of what it missed? For + instance, if we see or think of some one known to us, and having forgotten + his name, try to recover it; whatever else occurs, connects itself not + therewith; because it was not wont to be thought upon together with him, + and therefore is rejected, until that present itself, whereon the + knowledge reposes equably as its wonted object. And whence does that + present itself, but out of the memory itself? for even when we recognise + it, on being reminded by another, it is thence it comes. For we do not + believe it as something new, but, upon recollection, allow what was named + to be right. But were it utterly blotted out of the mind, we should not + remember it, even when reminded. For we have not as yet utterly forgotten + that, which we remember ourselves to have forgotten. What then we have + utterly forgotten, though lost, we cannot even seek after. + </p> + <p> + How then do I seek Thee, O Lord? For when I seek Thee, my God, I seek a + happy life. I will seek Thee, that my soul may live. For my body liveth by + my soul; and my soul by Thee. How then do I seek a happy life, seeing I + have it not, until I can say, where I ought to say it, "It is enough"? How + seek I it? By remembrance, as though I had forgotten it, remembering that + I had forgotten it? Or, desiring to learn it as a thing unknown, either + never having known, or so forgotten it, as not even to remember that I had + forgotten it? is not a happy life what all will, and no one altogether + wills it not? where have they known it, that they so will it? where seen + it, that they so love it? Truly we have it, how, I know not. Yea, there is + another way, wherein when one hath it, then is he happy; and there are, + who are blessed, in hope. These have it in a lower kind, than they who + have it in very deed; yet are they better off than such as are happy + neither in deed nor in hope. Yet even these, had they it not in some sort, + would not so will to be happy, which that they do will, is most certain. + They have known it then, I know not how, and so have it by some sort of + knowledge, what, I know not, and am perplexed whether it be in the memory, + which if it be, then we have been happy once; whether all severally, or in + that man who first sinned, in whom also we all died, and from whom we are + all born with misery, I now enquire not; but only, whether the happy life + be in the memory? For neither should we love it, did we not know it. We + hear the name, and we all confess that we desire the thing; for we are not + delighted with the mere sound. For when a Greek hears it in Latin, he is + not delighted, not knowing what is spoken; but we Latins are delighted, as + would he too, if he heard it in Greek; because the thing itself is neither + Greek nor Latin, which Greeks and Latins, and men of all other tongues, + long for so earnestly. Known therefore it is to all, for they with one + voice be asked, "would they be happy?" they would answer without doubt, + "they would." And this could not be, unless the thing itself whereof it is + the name were retained in their memory. + </p> + <p> + But is it so, as one remembers Carthage who hath seen it? No. For a happy + life is not seen with the eye, because it is not a body. As we remember + numbers then? No. For these, he that hath in his knowledge, seeks not + further to attain unto; but a happy life we have in our knowledge, and + therefore love it, and yet still desire to attain it, that we may be + happy. As we remember eloquence then? No. For although upon hearing this + name also, some call to mind the thing, who still are not yet eloquent, + and many who desire to be so, whence it appears that it is in their + knowledge; yet these have by their bodily senses observed others to be + eloquent, and been delighted, and desire to be the like (though indeed + they would not be delighted but for some inward knowledge thereof, nor + wish to be the like, unless they were thus delighted); whereas a happy + life, we do by no bodily sense experience in others. As then we remember + joy? Perchance; for my joy I remember, even when sad, as a happy life, + when unhappy; nor did I ever with bodily sense see, hear, smell, taste, or + touch my joy; but I experienced it in my mind, when I rejoiced; and the + knowledge of it clave to my memory, so that I can recall it with disgust + sometimes, at others with longing, according to the nature of the things, + wherein I remember myself to have joyed. For even from foul things have I + been immersed in a sort of joy; which now recalling, I detest and + execrate; otherwhiles in good and honest things, which I recall with + longing, although perchance no longer present; and therefore with sadness + I recall former joy. + </p> + <p> + Where then and when did I experience my happy life, that I should + remember, and love, and long for it? Nor is it I alone, or some few + besides, but we all would fain be happy; which, unless by some certain + knowledge we knew, we should not with so certain a will desire. But how is + this, that if two men be asked whether they would go to the wars, one, + perchance, would answer that he would, the other, that he would not; but + if they were asked whether they would be happy, both would instantly + without any doubting say they would; and for no other reason would the one + go to the wars, and the other not, but to be happy. Is it perchance that + as one looks for his joy in this thing, another in that, all agree in + their desire of being happy, as they would (if they were asked) that they + wished to have joy, and this joy they call a happy life? Although then one + obtains this joy by one means, another by another, all have one end, which + they strive to attain, namely, joy. Which being a thing which all must say + they have experienced, it is therefore found in the memory, and recognised + whenever the name of a happy life is mentioned. + </p> + <p> + Far be it, Lord, far be it from the heart of Thy servant who here + confesseth unto Thee, far be it, that, be the joy what it may, I should + therefore think myself happy. For there is a joy which is not given to the + ungodly, but to those who love Thee for Thine own sake, whose joy Thou + Thyself art. And this is the happy life, to rejoice to Thee, of Thee, for + Thee; this is it, and there is no other. For they who think there is + another, pursue some other and not the true joy. Yet is not their will + turned away from some semblance of joy. + </p> + <p> + It is not certain then that all wish to be happy, inasmuch as they who + wish not to joy in Thee, which is the only happy life, do not truly desire + the happy life. Or do all men desire this, but because the flesh lusteth + against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh, that they cannot do + what they would, they fall upon that which they can, and are content + therewith; because, what they are not able to do, they do not will so + strongly as would suffice to make them able? For I ask any one, had he + rather joy in truth, or in falsehood? They will as little hesitate to say + "in the truth," as to say "that they desire to be happy," for a happy life + is joy in the truth: for this is a joying in Thee, Who art the Truth, O + God my light, health of my countenance, my God. This is the happy life + which all desire; this life which alone is happy, all desire; to joy in + the truth all desire. I have met with many that would deceive; who would + be deceived, no one. Where then did they know this happy life, save where + they know the truth also? For they love it also, since they would not be + deceived. And when they love a happy life, which is no other than joying + in the truth, then also do they love the truth; which yet they would not + love, were there not some notice of it in their memory. Why then joy they + not in it? why are they not happy? because they are more strongly taken up + with other things which have more power to make them miserable, than that + which they so faintly remember to make them happy. For there is yet a + little light in men; let them walk, let them walk, that the darkness + overtake them not. + </p> + <p> + But why doth "truth generate hatred," and the man of Thine, preaching the + truth, become an enemy to them? whereas a happy life is loved, which is + nothing else but joying in the truth; unless that truth is in that kind + loved, that they who love anything else would gladly have that which they + love to be the truth: and because they would not be deceived, would not be + convinced that they are so? Therefore do they hate the truth for that + thing's sake which they loved instead of the truth. They love truth when + she enlightens, they hate her when she reproves. For since they would not + be deceived, and would deceive, they love her when she discovers herself + unto them, and hate her when she discovers them. Whence she shall so repay + them, that they who would not be made manifest by her, she both against + their will makes manifest, and herself becometh not manifest unto them. + Thus, thus, yea thus doth the mind of man, thus blind and sick, foul and + ill-favoured, wish to be hidden, but that aught should be hidden from it, + it wills not. But the contrary is requited it, that itself should not be + hidden from the Truth; but the Truth is hid from it. Yet even thus + miserable, it had rather joy in truths than in falsehoods. Happy then will + it be, when, no distraction interposing, it shall joy in that only Truth, + by Whom all things are true. + </p> + <p> + See what a space I have gone over in my memory seeking Thee, O Lord; and I + have not found Thee, without it. Nor have I found any thing concerning + Thee, but what I have kept in memory, ever since I learnt Thee. For since + I learnt Thee, I have not forgotten Thee. For where I found Truth, there + found I my God, the Truth itself; which since I learnt, I have not + forgotten. Since then I learnt Thee, Thou residest in my memory; and there + do I find Thee, when I call Thee to remembrance, and delight in Thee. + These be my holy delights, which Thou hast given me in Thy mercy, having + regard to my poverty. + </p> + <p> + But where in my memory residest Thou, O Lord, where residest Thou there? + what manner of lodging hast Thou framed for Thee? what manner of sanctuary + hast Thou builded for Thee? Thou hast given this honour to my memory, to + reside in it; but in what quarter of it Thou residest, that am I + considering. For in thinking on Thee, I passed beyond such parts of it as + the beasts also have, for I found Thee not there among the images of + corporeal things: and I came to those parts to which I committed the + affections of my mind, nor found Thee there. And I entered into the very + seat of my mind (which it hath in my memory, inasmuch as the mind + remembers itself also), neither wert Thou there: for as Thou art not a + corporeal image, nor the affection of a living being (as when we rejoice, + condole, desire, fear, remember, forget, or the like); so neither art Thou + the mind itself; because Thou art the Lord God of the mind; and all these + are changed, but Thou remainest unchangeable over all, and yet hast + vouchsafed to dwell in my memory, since I learnt Thee. And why seek I now + in what place thereof Thou dwellest, as if there were places therein? Sure + I am, that in it Thou dwellest, since I have remembered Thee ever since I + learnt Thee, and there I find Thee, when I call Thee to remembrance. + </p> + <p> + Where then did I find Thee, that I might learn Thee? For in my memory Thou + wert not, before I learned Thee. Where then did I find Thee, that I might + learn Thee, but in Thee above me? Place there is none; we go backward and + forward, and there is no place. Every where, O Truth, dost Thou give + audience to all who ask counsel of Thee, and at once answerest all, though + on manifold matters they ask Thy counsel. Clearly dost Thou answer, though + all do not clearly hear. All consult Thee on what they will, though they + hear not always what they will. He is Thy best servant who looks not so + much to hear that from Thee which himself willeth, as rather to will that, + which from Thee he heareth. + </p> + <p> + Too late loved I Thee, O Thou Beauty of ancient days, yet ever new! too + late I loved Thee! And behold, Thou wert within, and I abroad, and there I + searched for Thee; deformed I, plunging amid those fair forms which Thou + hadst made. Thou wert with me, but I was not with Thee. Things held me far + from Thee, which, unless they were in Thee, were not at all. Thou + calledst, and shoutedst, and burstest my deafness. Thou flashedst, + shonest, and scatteredst my blindness. Thou breathedst odours, and I drew + in breath and panted for Thee. I tasted, and hunger and thirst. Thou + touchedst me, and I burned for Thy peace. + </p> + <p> + When I shall with my whole self cleave to Thee, I shall no where have + sorrow or labour; and my life shall wholly live, as wholly full of Thee. + But now since whom Thou fillest, Thou liftest up, because I am not full of + Thee I am a burden to myself. Lamentable joys strive with joyous sorrows: + and on which side is the victory, I know not. Woe is me! Lord, have pity + on me. My evil sorrows strive with my good joys; and on which side is the + victory, I know not. Woe is me! Lord, have pity on me. Woe is me! lo! I + hide not my wounds; Thou art the Physician, I the sick; Thou merciful, I + miserable. Is not the life of man upon earth all trial? Who wishes for + troubles and difficulties? Thou commandest them to be endured, not to be + loved. No man loves what he endures, though he love to endure. For though + he rejoices that he endures, he had rather there were nothing for him to + endure. In adversity I long for prosperity, in prosperity I fear + adversity. What middle place is there betwixt these two, where the life of + man is not all trial? Woe to the prosperities of the world, once and + again, through fear of adversity, and corruption of joy! Woe to the + adversities of the world, once and again, and the third time, from the + longing for prosperity, and because adversity itself is a hard thing, and + lest it shatter endurance. Is not the life of man upon earth all trial: + without any interval? + </p> + <p> + And all my hope is no where but in Thy exceeding great mercy. Give what + Thou enjoinest, and enjoin what Thou wilt. Thou enjoinest us continency; + and when I knew, saith one, that no man can be continent, unless God give + it, this also was a part of wisdom to know whose gift she is. By + continency verily are we bound up and brought back into One, whence we + were dissipated into many. For too little doth he love Thee, who loves any + thing with Thee, which he loveth not for Thee. O love, who ever burnest + and never consumest! O charity, my God, kindle me. Thou enjoinest + continency: give me what Thou enjoinest, and enjoin what Thou wilt. + </p> + <p> + Verily Thou enjoinest me continency from the lust of the flesh, the lust + of the eyes, and the ambition of the world. Thou enjoinest continency from + concubinage; and for wedlock itself, Thou hast counselled something better + than what Thou hast permitted. And since Thou gavest it, it was done, even + before I became a dispenser of Thy Sacrament. But there yet live in my + memory (whereof I have much spoken) the images of such things as my ill + custom there fixed; which haunt me, strengthless when I am awake: but in + sleep, not only so as to give pleasure, but even to obtain assent, and + what is very like reality. Yea, so far prevails the illusion of the image, + in my soul and in my flesh, that, when asleep, false visions persuade to + that which when waking, the true cannot. Am I not then myself, O Lord my + God? And yet there is so much difference betwixt myself and myself, within + that moment wherein I pass from waking to sleeping, or return from + sleeping to waking! Where is reason then, which, awake, resisteth such + suggestions? And should the things themselves be urged on it, it remaineth + unshaken. Is it clasped up with the eyes? is it lulled asleep with the + senses of the body? And whence is it that often even in sleep we resist, + and mindful of our purpose, and abiding most chastely in it, yield no + assent to such enticements? And yet so much difference there is, that when + it happeneth otherwise, upon waking we return to peace of conscience: and + by this very difference discover that we did not, what yet we be sorry + that in some way it was done in us. + </p> + <p> + Art Thou not mighty, God Almighty, so as to heal all the diseases of my + soul, and by Thy more abundant grace to quench even the impure motions of + my sleep! Thou wilt increase, Lord, Thy gifts more and more in me, that my + soul may follow me to Thee, disentangled from the birdlime of + concupiscence; that it rebel not against itself, and even in dreams not + only not, through images of sense, commit those debasing corruptions, even + to pollution of the flesh, but not even to consent unto them. For that + nothing of this sort should have, over the pure affections even of a + sleeper, the very least influence, not even such as a thought would + restrain,—to work this, not only during life, but even at my present + age, is not hard for the Almighty, Who art able to do above all that we + ask or think. But what I yet am in this kind of my evil, have I confessed + unto my good Lord; rejoicing with trembling, in that which Thou hast given + me, and bemoaning that wherein I am still imperfect; hoping that Thou wilt + perfect Thy mercies in me, even to perfect peace, which my outward and + inward man shall have with Thee, when death shall be swallowed up in + victory. + </p> + <p> + There is another evil of the day, which I would were sufficient for it. + For by eating and drinking we repair the daily decays of our body, until + Thou destroy both belly and meat, when Thou shalt slay my emptiness with a + wonderful fulness, and clothe this incorruptible with an eternal + incorruption. But now the necessity is sweet unto me, against which + sweetness I fight, that I be not taken captive; and carry on a daily war + by fastings; often bringing my body into subjection; and my pains are + removed by pleasure. For hunger and thirst are in a manner pains; they + burn and kill like a fever, unless the medicine of nourishments come to + our aid. Which since it is at hand through the consolations of Thy gifts, + with which land, and water, and air serve our weakness, our calamity is + termed gratification. + </p> + <p> + This hast Thou taught me, that I should set myself to take food as physic. + But while I am passing from the discomfort of emptiness to the content of + replenishing, in the very passage the snare of concupiscence besets me. + For that passing, is pleasure, nor is there any other way to pass thither, + whither we needs must pass. And health being the cause of eating and + drinking, there joineth itself as an attendant a dangerous pleasure, which + mostly endeavours to go before it, so that I may for her sake do what I + say I do, or wish to do, for health's sake. Nor have each the same + measure; for what is enough for health, is too little for pleasure. And + oft it is uncertain, whether it be the necessary care of the body which is + yet asking for sustenance, or whether a voluptuous deceivableness of + greediness is proffering its services. In this uncertainty the unhappy + soul rejoiceth, and therein prepares an excuse to shield itself, glad that + it appeareth not what sufficeth for the moderation of health, that under + the cloak of health, it may disguise the matter of gratification. These + temptations I daily endeavour to resist, and I call on Thy right hand, and + to Thee do I refer my perplexities; because I have as yet no settled + counsel herein. + </p> + <p> + I hear the voice of my God commanding, Let not your hearts be overcharged + with surfeiting and drunkenness. Drunkenness is far from me; Thou wilt + have mercy, that it come not near me. But full feeding sometimes creepeth + upon Thy servant; Thou wilt have mercy, that it may be far from me. For no + one can be continent unless Thou give it. Many things Thou givest us, + praying for them; and what good soever we have received before we prayed, + from Thee we received it; yea to the end we might afterwards know this, + did we before receive it. Drunkard was I never, but drunkards have I known + made sober by Thee. From Thee then it was, that they who never were such, + should not so be, as from Thee it was, that they who have been, should not + ever so be; and from Thee it was, that both might know from Whom it was. I + heard another voice of Thine, Go not after thy lusts, and from thy + pleasure turn away. Yea by Thy favour have I heard that which I have much + loved; neither if we eat, shall we abound; neither if we eat not, shall we + lack; which is to say, neither shall the one make me plenteous, nor the + other miserable. I heard also another, for I have learned in whatsoever + state I am, therewith to be content; I know how to abound, and how to + suffer need. I can do all things through Christ that strengtheneth me. + Behold a soldier of the heavenly camp, not the dust which we are. But + remember, Lord, that we are dust, and that of dust Thou hast made man; and + he was lost and is found. Nor could he of himself do this, because he whom + I so loved, saying this through the in-breathing of Thy inspiration, was + of the same dust. I can do all things (saith he) through Him that + strengtheneth me. Strengthen me, that I can. Give what Thou enjoinest, and + enjoin what Thou wilt. He confesses to have received, and when he + glorieth, in the Lord he glorieth. Another have I heard begging that he + might receive. Take from me (saith he) the desires of the belly; whence it + appeareth, O my holy God, that Thou givest, when that is done which Thou + commandest to be done. + </p> + <p> + Thou hast taught me, good Father, that to the pure, all things are pure; + but that it is evil unto the man that eateth with offence; and, that every + creature of Thine is good, and nothing to be refused, which is received + with thanksgiving; and that meat commendeth us not to God; and, that no + man should judge us in meat or drink; and, that he which eateth, let him + not despise him that eateth not; and let not him that eateth not, judge + him that eateth. These things have I learned, thanks be to Thee, praise to + Thee, my God, my Master, knocking at my ears, enlightening my heart; + deliver me out of all temptation. I fear not uncleanness of meat, but the + uncleanness of lusting. I know; that Noah was permitted to eat all kind of + flesh that was good for food; that Elijah was fed with flesh; that endued + with an admirable abstinence, was not polluted by feeding on living + creatures, locusts. I know also that Esau was deceived by lusting for + lentiles; and that David blamed himself for desiring a draught of water; + and that our King was tempted, not concerning flesh, but bread. And + therefore the people in the wilderness also deserved to be reproved, not + for desiring flesh, but because, in the desire of food, they murmured + against the Lord. + </p> + <p> + Placed then amid these temptations, I strive daily against concupiscence + in eating and drinking. For it is not of such nature that I can settle on + cutting it off once for all, and never touching it afterward, as I could + of concubinage. The bridle of the throat then is to be held attempered + between slackness and stiffness. And who is he, O Lord, who is not some + whit transported beyond the limits of necessity? whoever he is, he is a + great one; let him make Thy Name great. But I am not such, for I am a + sinful man. Yet do I too magnify Thy name; and He maketh intercession to + Thee for my sins who hath overcome the world; numbering me among the weak + members of His body; because Thine eyes have seen that of Him which is + imperfect, and in Thy book shall all be written. + </p> + <p> + With the allurements of smells, I am not much concerned. When absent, I do + not miss them; when present, I do not refuse them; yet ever ready to be + without them. So I seem to myself; perchance I am deceived. For that also + is a mournful darkness whereby my abilities within me are hidden from me; + so that my mind making enquiry into herself of her own powers, ventures + not readily to believe herself; because even what is in it is mostly + hidden, unless experience reveal it. And no one ought to be secure in that + life, the whole whereof is called a trial, that he who hath been capable + of worse to be made better, may not likewise of better be made worse. Our + only hope, only confidence, only assured promise is Thy mercy. + </p> + <p> + The delights of the ear had more firmly entangled and subdued me; but Thou + didst loosen and free me. Now, in those melodies which Thy words breathe + soul into, when sung with a sweet and attuned voice, I do a little repose; + yet not so as to be held thereby, but that I can disengage myself when I + will. But with the words which are their life and whereby they find + admission into me, themselves seek in my affections a place of some + estimation, and I can scarcely assign them one suitable. For at one time I + seem to myself to give them more honour than is seemly, feeling our minds + to be more holily and fervently raised unto a flame of devotion, by the + holy words themselves when thus sung, than when not; and that the several + affections of our spirit, by a sweet variety, have their own proper + measures in the voice and singing, by some hidden correspondence wherewith + they are stirred up. But this contentment of the flesh, to which the soul + must not be given over to be enervated, doth oft beguile me, the sense not + so waiting upon reason as patiently to follow her; but having been + admitted merely for her sake, it strives even to run before her, and lead + her. Thus in these things I unawares sin, but afterwards am aware of it. + </p> + <p> + At other times, shunning over-anxiously this very deception, I err in too + great strictness; and sometimes to that degree, as to wish the whole + melody of sweet music which is used to David's Psalter, banished from my + ears, and the Church's too; and that mode seems to me safer, which I + remember to have been often told me of Athanasius, Bishop of Alexandria, + who made the reader of the psalm utter it with so slight inflection of + voice, that it was nearer speaking than singing. Yet again, when I + remember the tears I shed at the Psalmody of Thy Church, in the beginning + of my recovered faith; and how at this time I am moved, not with the + singing, but with the things sung, when they are sung with a clear voice + and modulation most suitable, I acknowledge the great use of this + institution. Thus I fluctuate between peril of pleasure and approved + wholesomeness; inclined the rather (though not as pronouncing an + irrevocable opinion) to approve of the usage of singing in the church; + that so by the delight of the ears the weaker minds may rise to the + feeling of devotion. Yet when it befalls me to be more moved with the + voice than the words sung, I confess to have sinned penally, and then had + rather not hear music. See now my state; weep with me, and weep for me, + ye, whoso regulate your feelings within, as that good action ensues. For + you who do not act, these things touch not you. But Thou, O Lord my God, + hearken; behold, and see, and have mercy and heal me, Thou, in whose + presence I have become a problem to myself; and that is my infirmity. + </p> + <p> + There remains the pleasure of these eyes of my flesh, on which to make my + confessions in the hearing of the ears of Thy temple, those brotherly and + devout ears; and so to conclude the temptations of the lust of the flesh, + which yet assail me, groaning earnestly, and desiring to be clothed upon + with my house from heaven. The eyes love fair and varied forms, and bright + and soft colours. Let not these occupy my soul; let God rather occupy it, + who made these things, very good indeed, yet is He my good, not they. And + these affect me, waking, the whole day, nor is any rest given me from + them, as there is from musical, sometimes in silence, from all voices. For + this queen of colours, the light, bathing all which we behold, wherever I + am through the day, gliding by me in varied forms, soothes me when engaged + on other things, and not observing it. And so strongly doth it entwine + itself, that if it be suddenly withdrawn, it is with longing sought for, + and if absent long, saddeneth the mind. + </p> + <p> + O Thou Light, which Tobias saw, when, these eyes closed, he taught his son + the way of life; and himself went before with the feet of charity, never + swerving. Or which Isaac saw, when his fleshly eyes being heavy and closed + by old age, it was vouchsafed him, not knowingly, to bless his sons, but + by blessing to know them. Or which Jacob saw, when he also, blind through + great age, with illumined heart, in the persons of his sons shed light on + the different races of the future people, in them foresignified; and laid + his hands, mystically crossed, upon his grandchildren by Joseph, not as + their father by his outward eye corrected them, but as himself inwardly + discerned. This is the light, it is one, and all are one, who see and love + it. But that corporeal light whereof I spake, it seasoneth the life of + this world for her blind lovers, with an enticing and dangerous sweetness. + But they who know how to praise Thee for it, "O all-creating Lord," take + it up in Thy hymns, and are not taken up with it in their sleep. Such + would I be. These seductions of the eyes I resist, lest my feet wherewith + I walk upon Thy way be ensnared; and I lift up mine invisible eyes to + Thee, that Thou wouldest pluck my feet out of the snare. Thou dost ever + and anon pluck them out, for they are ensnared. Thou ceasest not to pluck + them out, while I often entangle myself in the snares on all sides laid; + because Thou that keepest Israel shalt neither slumber nor sleep. + </p> + <p> + What innumerable toys, made by divers arts and manufactures, in our + apparel, shoes, utensils and all sorts of works, in pictures also and + divers images, and these far exceeding all necessary and moderate use and + all pious meaning, have men added to tempt their own eyes withal; + outwardly following what themselves make, inwardly forsaking Him by whom + themselves were made, and destroying that which themselves have been made! + But I, my God and my Glory, do hence also sing a hymn to Thee, and do + consecrate praise to Him who consecrateth me, because those beautiful + patterns which through men's souls are conveyed into their cunning hands, + come from that Beauty, which is above our souls, which my soul day and + night sigheth after. But the framers and followers of the outward beauties + derive thence the rule of judging of them, but not of using them. And He + is there, though they perceive Him not, that so they might not wander, but + keep their strength for Thee, and not scatter it abroad upon pleasurable + weariness. And I, though I speak and see this, entangle my steps with + these outward beauties; but Thou pluckest me out, O Lord, Thou pluckest me + out; because Thy loving-kindness is before my eyes. For I am taken + miserably, and Thou pluckest me out mercifully; sometimes not perceiving + it, when I had but lightly lighted upon them; otherwhiles with pain, + because I had stuck fast in them. + </p> + <p> + To this is added another form of temptation more manifoldly dangerous. For + besides that concupiscence of the flesh which consisteth in the delight of + all senses and pleasures, wherein its slaves, who go far from Thee, waste + and perish, the soul hath, through the same senses of the body, a certain + vain and curious desire, veiled under the title of knowledge and learning, + not of delighting in the flesh, but of making experiments through the + flesh. The seat whereof being in the appetite of knowledge, and sight + being the sense chiefly used for attaining knowledge, it is in Divine + language called The lust of the eyes. For, to see, belongeth properly to + the eyes; yet we use this word of the other senses also, when we employ + them in seeking knowledge. For we do not say, hark how it flashes, or + smell how it glows, or taste how it shines, or feel how it gleams; for all + these are said to be seen. And yet we say not only, see how it shineth, + which the eyes alone can perceive; but also, see how it soundeth, see how + it smelleth, see how it tasteth, see how hard it is. And so the general + experience of the senses, as was said, is called The lust of the eyes, + because the office of seeing, wherein the eyes hold the prerogative, the + other senses by way of similitude take to themselves, when they make + search after any knowledge. + </p> + <p> + But by this may more evidently be discerned, wherein pleasure and wherein + curiosity is the object of the senses; for pleasure seeketh objects + beautiful, melodious, fragrant, savoury, soft; but curiosity, for trial's + sake, the contrary as well, not for the sake of suffering annoyance, but + out of the lust of making trial and knowing them. For what pleasure hath + it, to see in a mangled carcase what will make you shudder? and yet if it + be lying near, they flock thither, to be made sad, and to turn pale. Even + in sleep they are afraid to see it. As if when awake, any one forced them + to see it, or any report of its beauty drew them thither! Thus also in the + other senses, which it were long to go through. From this disease of + curiosity are all those strange sights exhibited in the theatre. Hence men + go on to search out the hidden powers of nature (which is besides our + end), which to know profits not, and wherein men desire nothing but to + know. Hence also, if with that same end of perverted knowledge magical + arts be enquired by. Hence also in religion itself, is God tempted, when + signs and wonders are demanded of Him, not desired for any good end, but + merely to make trial of. + </p> + <p> + In this so vast wilderness, full of snares and dangers, behold many of + them I have cut off, and thrust out of my heart, as Thou hast given me, O + God of my salvation. And yet when dare I say, since so many things of this + kind buzz on all sides about our daily life—when dare I say that nothing + of this sort engages my attention, or causes in me an idle interest? True, + the theatres do not now carry me away, nor care I to know the courses of + the stars, nor did my soul ever consult ghosts departed; all sacrilegious + mysteries I detest. From Thee, O Lord my God, to whom I owe humble and + single-hearted service, by what artifices and suggestions doth the enemy + deal with me to desire some sign! But I beseech Thee by our King, and by + our pure and holy country, Jerusalem, that as any consenting thereto is + far from me, so may it ever be further and further. But when I pray Thee + for the salvation of any, my end and intention is far different. Thou + givest and wilt give me to follow Thee willingly, doing what Thou wilt. + </p> + <p> + Notwithstanding, in how many most petty and contemptible things is our + curiosity daily tempted, and how often we give way, who can recount? How + often do we begin as if we were tolerating people telling vain stories, + lest we offend the weak; then by degrees we take interest therein! I go + not now to the circus to see a dog coursing a hare; but in the field, if + passing, that coursing peradventure will distract me even from some + weighty thought, and draw me after it: not that I turn aside the body of + my beast, yet still incline my mind thither. And unless Thou, having made + me see my infirmity didst speedily admonish me either through the sight + itself by some contemplation to rise towards Thee, or altogether to + despise and pass it by, I dully stand fixed therein. What, when sitting at + home, a lizard catching flies, or a spider entangling them rushing into + her nets, oft-times takes my attention? Is the thing different, because + they are but small creatures? I go on from them to praise Thee the + wonderful Creator and Orderer of all, but this does not first draw my + attention. It is one thing to rise quickly, another not to fall. And of + such things is my life full; and my one hope is Thy wonderful great mercy. + For when our heart becomes the receptacle of such things, and is + overcharged with throngs of this abundant vanity, then are our prayers + also thereby often interrupted and distracted, and whilst in Thy presence + we direct the voice of our heart to Thine ears, this so great concern is + broken off by the rushing in of I know not what idle thoughts. Shall we + then account this also among things of slight concernment, or shall aught + bring us back to hope, save Thy complete mercy, since Thou hast begun to + change us? + </p> + <p> + And Thou knowest how far Thou hast already changed me, who first healedst + me of the lust of vindicating myself, that so Thou mightest forgive all + the rest of my iniquities, and heal all my infirmities, and redeem life + from corruption, and crown me with mercy and pity, and satisfy my desire + with good things: who didst curb my pride with Thy fear, and tame my neck + to Thy yoke. And now I bear it and it is light unto me, because so hast + Thou promised, and hast made it; and verily so it was, and I knew it not, + when I feared to take it. + </p> + <p> + But, O Lord, Thou alone Lord without pride, because Thou art the only true + Lord, who hast no lord; hath this third kind of temptation also ceased + from me, or can it cease through this whole life? To wish, namely, to be + feared and loved of men, for no other end, but that we may have a joy + therein which is no joy? A miserable life this and a foul boastfulness! + Hence especially it comes that men do neither purely love nor fear Thee. + And therefore dost Thou resist the proud, and givest grace to the humble: + yea, Thou thunderest down upon the ambitions of the world, and the + foundations of the mountains tremble. Because now certain offices of human + society make it necessary to be loved and feared of men, the adversary of + our true blessedness layeth hard at us, every where spreading his snares + of "well-done, well-done"; that greedily catching at them, we may be taken + unawares, and sever our joy from Thy truth, and set it in the + deceivingness of men; and be pleased at being loved and feared, not for + Thy sake, but in Thy stead: and thus having been made like him, he may + have them for his own, not in the bands of charity, but in the bonds of + punishment: who purposed to set his throne in the north, that dark and + chilled they might serve him, pervertedly and crookedly imitating Thee. + But we, O Lord, behold we are Thy little flock; possess us as Thine, + stretch Thy wings over us, and let us fly under them. Be Thou our glory; + let us be loved for Thee, and Thy word feared in us. Who would be praised + of men when Thou blamest, will not be defended of men when Thou judgest; + nor delivered when Thou condemnest. But when—not the sinner is + praised in the desires of his soul, nor he blessed who doth ungodlily, but—a + man is praised for some gift which Thou hast given him, and he rejoices + more at the praise for himself than that he hath the gift for which he is + praised, he also is praised, while Thou dispraisest; better is he who + praised than he who is praised. For the one took pleasure in the gift of + God in man; the other was better pleased with the gift of man, than of + God. + </p> + <p> + By these temptations we are assailed daily, O Lord; without ceasing are we + assailed. Our daily furnace is the tongue of men. And in this way also + Thou commandest us continence. Give what Thou enjoinest, and enjoin what + Thou wilt. Thou knowest on this matter the groans of my heart, and the + floods of mine eyes. For I cannot learn how far I am more cleansed from + this plague, and I much fear my secret sins, which Thine eyes know, mine + do not. For in other kinds of temptations I have some sort of means of + examining myself; in this, scarce any. For, in refraining my mind from the + pleasures of the flesh and idle curiosity, I see how much I have attained + to, when I do without them; foregoing, or not having them. For then I ask + myself how much more or less troublesome it is to me not to have them? + Then, riches, which are desired, that they may serve to some one or two or + all of the three concupiscences, if the soul cannot discern whether, when + it hath them, it despiseth them, they may be cast aside, that so it may + prove itself. But to be without praise, and therein essay our powers, must + we live ill, yea so abandonedly and atrociously, that no one should know + without detesting us? What greater madness can be said or thought of? But + if praise useth and ought to accompany a good life and good works, we + ought as little to forego its company, as good life itself. Yet I know not + whether I can well or ill be without anything, unless it be absent. + </p> + <p> + What then do I confess unto Thee in this kind of temptation, O Lord? What, + but that I am delighted with praise, but with truth itself, more than with + praise? For were it proposed to me, whether I would, being frenzied in + error on all things, be praised by all men, or being consistent and most + settled in the truth be blamed by all, I see which I should choose. Yet + fain would I that the approbation of another should not even increase my + joy for any good in me. Yet I own, it doth increase it, and not so only, + but dispraise doth diminish it. And when I am troubled at this my misery, + an excuse occurs to me, which of what value it is, Thou God knowest, for + it leaves me uncertain. For since Thou hast commanded us not continency + alone, that is, from what things to refrain our love, but righteousness + also, that is, whereon to bestow it, and hast willed us to love not Thee + only, but our neighbour also; often, when pleased with intelligent praise, + I seem to myself to be pleased with the proficiency or towardliness of my + neighbour, or to be grieved for evil in him, when I hear him dispraise + either what he understands not, or is good. For sometimes I am grieved at + my own praise, either when those things be praised in me, in which I + mislike myself, or even lesser and slight goods are more esteemed than + they ought. But again how know I whether I am therefore thus affected, + because I would not have him who praiseth me differ from me about myself; + not as being influenced by concern for him, but because those same good + things which please me in myself, please me more when they please another + also? For some how I am not praised when my judgment of myself is not + praised; forasmuch as either those things are praised, which displease me; + or those more, which please me less. Am I then doubtful of myself in this + matter? + </p> + <p> + Behold, in Thee, O Truth, I see that I ought not to be moved at my own + praises, for my own sake, but for the good of my neighbour. And whether it + be so with me, I know not. For herein I know less of myself than of Thee. + I beseech now, O my God, discover to me myself also, that I may confess + unto my brethren, who are to pray for me, wherein I find myself maimed. + Let me examine myself again more diligently. If in my praise I am moved + with the good of my neighbour, why am I less moved if another be unjustly + dispraised than if it be myself? Why am I more stung by reproach cast upon + myself, than at that cast upon another, with the same injustice, before + me? Know I not this also? or is it at last that I deceive myself, and do + not the truth before Thee in my heart and tongue? This madness put far + from me, O Lord, lest mine own mouth be to me the sinner's oil to make fat + my head. I am poor and needy; yet best, while in hidden groanings I + displease myself, and seek Thy mercy, until what is lacking in my + defective state be renewed and perfected, on to that peace which the eye + of the proud knoweth not. + </p> + <p> + Yet the word which cometh out of the mouth, and deeds known to men, bring + with them a most dangerous temptation through the love of praise: which, + to establish a certain excellency of our own, solicits and collects men's + suffrages. It tempts, even when it is reproved by myself in myself, on the + very ground that it is reproved; and often glories more vainly of the very + contempt of vain-glory; and so it is no longer contempt of vain-glory, + whereof it glories; for it doth not contemn when it glorieth. + </p> + <p> + Within also, within is another evil, arising out of a like temptation; + whereby men become vain, pleasing themselves in themselves, though they + please not, or displease or care not to please others. But pleasing + themselves, they much displease Thee, not only taking pleasure in things + not good, as if good, but in Thy good things, as though their own; or even + if as Thine, yet as though for their own merits; or even if as though from + Thy grace, yet not with brotherly rejoicing, but envying that grace to + others. In all these and the like perils and travails, Thou seest the + trembling of my heart; and I rather feel my wounds to be cured by Thee, + than not inflicted by me. + </p> + <p> + Where hast Thou not walked with me, O Truth, teaching me what to beware, + and what to desire; when I referred to Thee what I could discover here + below, and consulted Thee? With my outward senses, as I might, I surveyed + the world, and observed the life, which my body hath from me, and these my + senses. Thence entered I the recesses of my memory, those manifold and + spacious chambers, wonderfully furnished with innumerable stores; and I + considered, and stood aghast; being able to discern nothing of these + things without Thee, and finding none of them to be Thee. Nor was I + myself, who found out these things, who went over them all, and laboured + to distinguish and to value every thing according to its dignity, taking + some things upon the report of my senses, questioning about others which I + felt to be mingled with myself, numbering and distinguishing the reporters + themselves, and in the large treasure-house of my memory revolving some + things, storing up others, drawing out others. Nor yet was I myself when I + did this, i.e., that my power whereby I did it, neither was it Thou, for + Thou art the abiding light, which I consulted concerning all these, + whether they were, what they were, and how to be valued; and I heard Thee + directing and commanding me; and this I often do, this delights me, and as + far as I may be freed from necessary duties, unto this pleasure have I + recourse. Nor in all these which I run over consulting Thee can I find any + safe place for my soul, but in Thee; whither my scattered members may be + gathered, and nothing of me depart from Thee. And sometimes Thou admittest + me to an affection, very unusual, in my inmost soul; rising to a strange + sweetness, which if it were perfected in me, I know not what in it would + not belong to the life to come. But through my miserable encumbrances I + sink down again into these lower things, and am swept back by former + custom, and am held, and greatly weep, but am greatly held. So much doth + the burden of a bad custom weigh us down. Here I can stay, but would not; + there I would, but cannot; both ways, miserable. + </p> + <p> + Thus then have I considered the sicknesses of my sins in that threefold + concupiscence, and have called Thy right hand to my help. For with a + wounded heart have I beheld Thy brightness, and stricken back I said, "Who + can attain thither? I am cast away from the sight of Thine eyes." Thou art + the Truth who presidest over all, but I through my covetousness would not + indeed forego Thee, but would with Thee possess a lie; as no man would in + such wise speak falsely, as himself to be ignorant of the truth. So then I + lost Thee, because Thou vouchsafest not to be possessed with a lie. + </p> + <p> + Whom could I find to reconcile me to Thee? was I to have recourse to + Angels? by what prayers? by what sacraments? Many endeavouring to return + unto Thee, and of themselves unable, have, as I hear, tried this, and + fallen into the desire of curious visions, and been accounted worthy to be + deluded. For they, being high minded, sought Thee by the pride of + learning, swelling out rather than smiting upon their breasts, and so by + the agreement of their heart, drew unto themselves the princes of the air, + the fellow-conspirators of their pride, by whom, through magical + influences, they were deceived, seeking a mediator, by whom they might be + purged, and there was none. For the devil it was, transforming himself + into an Angel of light. And it much enticed proud flesh, that he had no + body of flesh. For they were mortal, and sinners; but thou, Lord, to whom + they proudly sought to be reconciled, art immortal, and without sin. But a + mediator between God and man must have something like to God, something + like to men; lest being in both like to man, he should be far from God: or + if in both like God, too unlike man: and so not be a mediator. That + deceitful mediator then, by whom in Thy secret judgments pride deserved to + be deluded, hath one thing in common with man, that is sin; another he + would seem to have in common with God; and not being clothed with the + mortality of flesh, would vaunt himself to be immortal. But since the + wages of sin is death, this hath he in common with men, that with them he + should be condemned to death. + </p> + <p> + But the true Mediator, Whom in Thy secret mercy Thou hast showed to the + humble, and sentest, that by His example also they might learn that same + humility, that Mediator between God and man, the Man Christ Jesus, + appeared betwixt mortal sinners and the immortal just One; mortal with + men, just with God: that because the wages of righteousness is life and + peace, He might by a righteousness conjoined with God make void that death + of sinners, now made righteous, which He willed to have in common with + them. Hence He was showed forth to holy men of old; that so they, through + faith in His Passion to come, as we through faith of it passed, might be + saved. For as Man, He was a Mediator; but as the Word, not in the middle + between God and man, because equal to God, and God with God, and together + one God. + </p> + <p> + How hast Thou loved us, good Father, who sparedst not Thine only Son, but + deliveredst Him up for us ungodly! How hast Thou loved us, for whom He + that thought it no robbery to be equal with Thee, was made subject even to + the death of the cross, He alone, free among the dead, having power to lay + down His life, and power to take it again: for us to Thee both Victor and + Victim, and therefore Victor, because the Victim; for us to Thee Priest + and Sacrifice, and therefore Priest because the Sacrifice; making us to + Thee, of servants, sons by being born of Thee, and serving us. Well then + is my hope strong in Him, that Thou wilt heal all my infirmities, by Him + Who sitteth at Thy right hand and maketh intercession for us; else should + I despair. For many and great are my infirmities, many they are, and + great; but Thy medicine is mightier. We might imagine that Thy Word was + far from any union with man, and despair of ourselves, unless He had been + made flesh and dwelt among us. + </p> + <p> + Affrighted with my sins and the burden of my misery, I had cast in my + heart, and had purposed to flee to the wilderness: but Thou forbadest me, + and strengthenedst me, saying, Therefore Christ died for all, that they + which live may now no longer live unto themselves, but unto Him that died + for them. See, Lord, I cast my care upon Thee, that I may live, and + consider wondrous things out of Thy law. Thou knowest my unskilfulness, + and my infirmities; teach me, and heal me. He, Thine only Son, in Whom are + hid all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge, hath redeemed me with His + blood. Let not the proud speak evil of me; because I meditate on my + ransom, and eat and drink, and communicate it; and poor, desired to be + satisfied from Him, amongst those that eat and are satisfied, and they + shall praise the Lord who seek Him. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"></a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOOK XI + </h2> + <p> + Lord, since eternity is Thine, art Thou ignorant of what I say to Thee? or + dost Thou see in time, what passeth in time? Why then do I lay in order + before Thee so many relations? Not, of a truth, that Thou mightest learn + them through me, but to stir up mine own and my readers' devotions towards + Thee, that we may all say, Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised. I + have said already; and again will say, for love of Thy love do I this. For + we pray also, and yet Truth hath said, Your Father knoweth what you have + need of, before you ask. It is then our affections which we lay open unto + Thee, confessing our own miseries, and Thy mercies upon us, that Thou + mayest free us wholly, since Thou hast begun, that we may cease to be + wretched in ourselves, and be blessed in Thee; seeing Thou hast called us, + to become poor in spirit, and meek, and mourners, and hungering and + athirst after righteousness, and merciful, and pure in heart, and + peace-makers. See, I have told Thee many things, as I could and as I + would, because Thou first wouldest that I should confess unto Thee, my + Lord God. For Thou art good, for Thy mercy endureth for ever. + </p> + <p> + But how shall I suffice with the tongue of my pen to utter all Thy + exhortations, and all Thy terrors, and comforts, and guidances, whereby + Thou broughtest me to preach Thy Word, and dispense Thy Sacrament to Thy + people? And if I suffice to utter them in order, the drops of time are + precious with me; and long have I burned to meditate in Thy law, and + therein to confess to Thee my skill and unskilfulness, the day-break of Thy + enlightening, and the remnants of my darkness, until infirmity be + swallowed up by strength. And I would not have aught besides steal away + those hours which I find free from the necessities of refreshing my body + and the powers of my mind, and of the service which we owe to men, or + which though we owe not, we yet pay. + </p> + <p> + O Lord my God, give ear unto my prayer, and let Thy mercy hearken unto my + desire: because it is anxious not for myself alone, but would serve + brotherly charity; and Thou seest my heart, that so it is. I would + sacrifice to Thee the service of my thought and tongue; do Thou give me, + what I may offer Thee. For I am poor and needy, Thou rich to all that call + upon Thee; Who, inaccessible to care, carest for us. Circumcise from all + rashness and all lying both my inward and outward lips: let Thy Scriptures + be my pure delights: let me not be deceived in them, nor deceive out of + them. Lord, hearken and pity, O Lord my God, Light of the blind, and + Strength of the weak; yea also Light of those that see, and Strength of + the strong; hearken unto my soul, and hear it crying out of the depths. + For if Thine ears be not with us in the depths also, whither shall we go? + whither cry? The day is Thine, and the night is Thine; at Thy beck the + moments flee by. Grant thereof a space for our meditations in the hidden + things of Thy law, and close it not against us who knock. For not in vain + wouldest Thou have the darksome secrets of so many pages written; nor are + those forests without their harts which retire therein and range and walk; + feed, lie down, and ruminate. Perfect me, O Lord, and reveal them unto me. + Behold, Thy voice is my joy; Thy voice exceedeth the abundance of + pleasures. Give what I love: for I do love; and this hast Thou given: + forsake not Thy own gifts, nor despise Thy green herb that thirsteth. Let + me confess unto Thee whatsoever I shall find in Thy books, and hear the + voice of praise, and drink in Thee, and meditate on the wonderful things + out of Thy law; even from the beginning, wherein Thou madest the heaven + and the earth, unto the everlasting reigning of Thy holy city with Thee. + </p> + <p> + Lord, have mercy on me, and hear my desire. For it is not, I deem, of the + earth, not of gold and silver, and precious stones, or gorgeous apparel, + or honours and offices, or the pleasures of the flesh, or necessaries for + the body and for this life of our pilgrimage: all which shall be added + unto those that seek Thy kingdom and Thy righteousness. Behold, O Lord my + God, wherein is my desire. The wicked have told me of delights, but not + such as Thy law, O Lord. Behold, wherein is my desire. Behold, Father, + behold, and see and approve; and be it pleasing in the sight of Thy mercy, + that I may find grace before Thee, that the inward parts of Thy words be + opened to me knocking. I beseech by our Lord Jesus Christ Thy Son, the Man + of Thy right hand, the Son of man, whom Thou hast established for Thyself, + as Thy Mediator and ours, through Whom Thou soughtest us, not seeking + Thee, but soughtest us, that we might seek Thee,—Thy Word, through + Whom Thou madest all things, and among them, me also;—Thy + Only-Begotten, through Whom Thou calledst to adoption the believing + people, and therein me also;—I beseech Thee by Him, who sitteth at + Thy right hand, and intercedeth with Thee for us, in Whom are hidden all + the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. These do I seek in Thy books. Of + Him did Moses write; this saith Himself; this saith the Truth. + </p> + <p> + I would hear and understand, how "In the Beginning Thou madest the heaven + and earth." Moses wrote this, wrote and departed, passed hence from Thee + to Thee; nor is he now before me. For if he were, I would hold him and ask + him, and beseech him by Thee to open these things unto me, and would lay + the ears of my body to the sounds bursting out of his mouth. And should he + speak Hebrew, in vain will it strike on my senses, nor would aught of it + touch my mind; but if Latin, I should know what he said. But whence should + I know, whether he spake truth? Yea, and if I knew this also, should I + know it from him? Truly within me, within, in the chamber of my thoughts, + Truth, neither Hebrew, nor Greek, nor Latin, nor barbarian, without organs + of voice or tongue, or sound of syllables, would say, "It is truth," and I + forthwith should say confidently to that man of Thine, "thou sayest + truly." Whereas then I cannot enquire of him, Thee, Thee I beseech, O + Truth, full of Whom he spake truth, Thee, my God, I beseech, forgive my + sins; and Thou, who gavest him Thy servant to speak these things, give to + me also to understand them. + </p> + <p> + Behold, the heavens and the earth are; they proclaim that they were + created; for they change and vary. Whereas whatsoever hath not been made, + and yet is, hath nothing in it, which before it had not; and this it is, + to change and vary. They proclaim also, that they made not themselves; + "therefore we are, because we have been made; we were not therefore, + before we were, so as to make ourselves." Now the evidence of the thing, + is the voice of the speakers. Thou therefore, Lord, madest them; who art + beautiful, for they are beautiful; who art good, for they are good; who + art, for they are; yet are they not beautiful nor good, nor are they, as + Thou their Creator art; compared with Whom, they are neither beautiful, + nor good, nor are. This we know, thanks be to Thee. And our knowledge, + compared with Thy knowledge, is ignorance. + </p> + <p> + But how didst Thou make the heaven and the earth? and what the engine of + Thy so mighty fabric? For it was not as a human artificer, forming one + body from another, according to the discretion of his mind, which can in + some way invest with such a form, as it seeth in itself by its inward eye. + And whence should he be able to do this, unless Thou hadst made that mind? + and he invests with a form what already existeth, and hath a being, as + clay, or stone, or wood, or gold, or the like. And whence should they be, + hadst not Thou appointed them? Thou madest the artificer his body, Thou + the mind commanding the limbs, Thou the matter whereof he makes any thing; + Thou the apprehension whereby to take in his art, and see within what he + doth without; Thou the sense of his body, whereby, as by an interpreter, + he may from mind to matter, convey that which he doth, and report to his + mind what is done; that it within may consult the truth, which presideth + over itself, whether it be well done or no. All these praise Thee, the + Creator of all. But how dost Thou make them? how, O God, didst Thou make + heaven and earth? Verily, neither in the heaven, nor in the earth, didst + Thou make heaven and earth; nor in the air, or waters, seeing these also + belong to the heaven and the earth; nor in the whole world didst Thou make + the whole world; because there was no place where to make it, before it + was made, that it might be. Nor didst Thou hold any thing in Thy hand, + whereof to make heaven and earth. For whence shouldest Thou have this, + which Thou hadst not made, thereof to make any thing? For what is, but + because Thou art? Therefore Thou spokest, and they were made, and in Thy + Word Thou madest them. + </p> + <p> + But how didst Thou speak? In the way that the voice came out of the cloud, + saying, This is my beloved Son? For that voice passed by and passed away, + began and ended; the syllables sounded and passed away, the second after + the first, the third after the second, and so forth in order, until the + last after the rest, and silence after the last. Whence it is abundantly + clear and plain that the motion of a creature expressed it, itself + temporal, serving Thy eternal will. And these Thy words, created for a + time, the outward ear reported to the intelligent soul, whose inward ear + lay listening to Thy Eternal Word. But she compared these words sounding + in time, with that Thy Eternal Word in silence, and said "It is different, + far different. These words are far beneath me, nor are they, because they + flee and pass away; but the Word of my Lord abideth above me for ever." If + then in sounding and passing words Thou saidst that heaven and earth + should be made, and so madest heaven and earth, there was a corporeal + creature before heaven and earth, by whose motions in time that voice + might take his course in time. But there was nought corporeal before + heaven and earth; or if there were, surely Thou hadst, without such a + passing voice, created that, whereof to make this passing voice, by which + to say, Let the heaven and the earth be made. For whatsoever that were, + whereof such a voice were made, unless by Thee it were made, it could not + be at all. By what Word then didst Thou speak, that a body might be made, + whereby these words again might be made? + </p> + <p> + Thou callest us then to understand the Word, God, with Thee God, Which is + spoken eternally, and by It are all things spoken eternally. For what was + spoken was not spoken successively, one thing concluded that the next + might be spoken, but all things together and eternally. Else have we time + and change; and not a true eternity nor true immortality. This I know, O + my God, and give thanks. I know, I confess to Thee, O Lord, and with me + there knows and blesses Thee, whoso is not unthankful to assure Truth. We + know, Lord, we know; since inasmuch as anything is not which was, and is, + which was not, so far forth it dieth and ariseth. Nothing then of Thy Word + doth give place or replace, because It is truly immortal and eternal. And + therefore unto the Word coeternal with Thee Thou dost at once and + eternally say all that Thou dost say; and whatever Thou sayest shall be + made is made; nor dost Thou make, otherwise than by saying; and yet are + not all things made together, or everlasting, which Thou makest by saying. + </p> + <p> + Why, I beseech Thee, O Lord my God? I see it in a way; but how to express + it, I know not, unless it be, that whatsoever begins to be, and leaves off + to be, begins then, and leaves off then, when in Thy eternal Reason it is + known, that it ought to begin or leave off; in which Reason nothing + beginneth or leaveth off. This is Thy Word, which is also "the Beginning, + because also It speaketh unto us." Thus in the Gospel He speaketh through + the flesh; and this sounded outwardly in the ears of men; that it might be + believed and sought inwardly, and found in the eternal Verity; where the + good and only Master teacheth all His disciples. There, Lord, hear I Thy + voice speaking unto me; because He speaketh us, who teacheth us; but He + that teacheth us not, though He speaketh, to us He speaketh not. Who now + teacheth us, but the unchangeable Truth? for even when we are admonished + through a changeable creature; we are but led to the unchangeable Truth; + where we learn truly, while we stand and hear Him, and rejoice greatly + because of the Bridegroom's voice, restoring us to Him, from Whom we are. + And therefore the Beginning, because unless It abided, there should not, + when we went astray, be whither to return. But when we return from error, + it is through knowing; and that we may know, He teacheth us, because He is + the Beginning, and speaking unto us. + </p> + <p> + In this Beginning, O God, hast Thou made heaven and earth, in Thy Word, in + Thy Son, in Thy Power, in Thy Wisdom, in Thy Truth; wondrously speaking, + and wondrously making. Who shall comprehend? Who declare it? What is that + which gleams through me, and strikes my heart without hurting it; and I + shudder and kindle? I shudder, inasmuch as I am unlike it; I kindle, + inasmuch as I am like it. It is Wisdom, Wisdom's self which gleameth + through me; severing my cloudiness which yet again mantles over me, + fainting from it, through the darkness which for my punishment gathers + upon me. For my strength is brought down in need, so that I cannot support + my blessings, till Thou, Lord, Who hast been gracious to all mine + iniquities, shalt heal all my infirmities. For Thou shalt also redeem my + life from corruption, and crown me with loving kindness and tender + mercies, and shalt satisfy my desire with good things, because my youth + shall be renewed like an eagle's. For in hope we are saved, wherefore we + through patience wait for Thy promises. Let him that is able, hear Thee + inwardly discoursing out of Thy oracle: I will boldly cry out, How + wonderful are Thy works, O Lord, in Wisdom hast Thou made them all; and + this Wisdom is the Beginning, and in that Beginning didst Thou make heaven + and earth. + </p> + <p> + Lo, are they not full of their old leaven, who say to us, "What was God + doing before He made heaven and earth? For if (say they) He were + unemployed and wrought not, why does He not also henceforth, and for ever, + as He did heretofore? For did any new motion arise in God, and a new will + to make a creature, which He had never before made, how then would that be + a true eternity, where there ariseth a will, which was not? For the will + of God is not a creature, but before the creature; seeing nothing could be + created, unless the will of the Creator had preceded. The will of God then + belongeth to His very Substance. And if aught have arisen in God's + Substance, which before was not, that Substance cannot be truly called + eternal. But if the will of God has been from eternity that the creature + should be, why was not the creature also from eternity?" + </p> + <p> + Who speak thus, do not yet understand Thee, O Wisdom of God, Light of + souls, understand not yet how the things be made, which by Thee, and in + Thee are made: yet they strive to comprehend things eternal, whilst their + heart fluttereth between the motions of things past and to come, and is + still unstable. Who shall hold it, and fix it, that it be settled awhile, + and awhile catch the glory of that ever-fixed Eternity, and compare it + with the times which are never fixed, and see that it cannot be compared; + and that a long time cannot become long, but out of many motions passing + by, which cannot be prolonged altogether; but that in the Eternal nothing + passeth, but the whole is present; whereas no time is all at once present: + and that all time past, is driven on by time to come, and all to come + followeth upon the past; and all past and to come, is created, and flows + out of that which is ever present? Who shall hold the heart of man, that + it may stand still, and see how eternity ever still-standing, neither past + nor to come, uttereth the times past and to come? Can my hand do this, or + the hand of my mouth by speech bring about a thing so great? + </p> + <p> + See, I answer him that asketh, "What did God before He made heaven and + earth?" I answer not as one is said to have done merrily (eluding the + pressure of the question), "He was preparing hell (saith he) for pryers + into mysteries." It is one thing to answer enquiries, another to make + sport of enquirers. So I answer not; for rather had I answer, "I know + not," what I know not, than so as to raise a laugh at him who asketh deep + things and gain praise for one who answereth false things. But I say that + Thou, our God, art the Creator of every creature: and if by the name + "heaven and earth," every creature be understood; I boldly say, "that + before God made heaven and earth, He did not make any thing." For if He + made, what did He make but a creature? And would I knew whatsoever I + desire to know to my profit, as I know, that no creature was made, before + there was made any creature. + </p> + <p> + But if any excursive brain rove over the images of forepassed times, and + wonder that Thou the God Almighty and All-creating and All-supporting, + Maker of heaven and earth, didst for innumerable ages forbear from so + great a work, before Thou wouldest make it; let him awake and consider, + that he wonders at false conceits. For whence could innumerable ages pass + by, which Thou madest not, Thou the Author and Creator of all ages? or + what times should there be, which were not made by Thee? or how should + they pass by, if they never were? Seeing then Thou art the Creator of all + times, if any time was before Thou madest heaven and earth, why say they + that Thou didst forego working? For that very time didst Thou make, nor + could times pass by, before Thou madest those times. But if before heaven + and earth there was no time, why is it demanded, what Thou then didst? For + there was no "then," when there was no time. + </p> + <p> + Nor dost Thou by time, precede time: else shouldest Thou not precede all + times. But Thou precedest all things past, by the sublimity of an + ever-present eternity; and surpassest all future because they are future, + and when they come, they shall be past; but Thou art the Same, and Thy + years fail not. Thy years neither come nor go; whereas ours both come and + go, that they all may come. Thy years stand together, because they do + stand; nor are departing thrust out by coming years, for they pass not + away; but ours shall all be, when they shall no more be. Thy years are one + day; and Thy day is not daily, but To-day, seeing Thy To-day gives not + place unto tomorrow, for neither doth it replace yesterday. Thy To-day, + is Eternity; therefore didst Thou beget The Coeternal, to whom Thou + saidst, This day have I begotten Thee. Thou hast made all things; and + before all times Thou art: neither in any time was time not. + </p> + <p> + At no time then hadst Thou not made any thing, because time itself Thou + madest. And no times are coeternal with Thee, because Thou abidest; but if + they abode, they should not be times. For what is time? Who can readily + and briefly explain this? Who can even in thought comprehend it, so as to + utter a word about it? But what in discourse do we mention more familiarly + and knowingly, than time? And, we understand, when we speak of it; we + understand also, when we hear it spoken of by another. What then is time? + If no one asks me, I know: if I wish to explain it to one that asketh, I + know not: yet I say boldly that I know, that if nothing passed away, time + past were not; and if nothing were coming, a time to come were not; and if + nothing were, time present were not. Those two times then, past and to + come, how are they, seeing the past now is not, and that to come is not + yet? But the present, should it always be present, and never pass into + time past, verily it should not be time, but eternity. If time present (if + it is to be time) only cometh into existence, because it passeth into time + past, how can we say that either this is, whose cause of being is, that it + shall not be; so, namely, that we cannot truly say that time is, but + because it is tending not to be? + </p> + <p> + And yet we say, "a long time" and "a short time"; still, only of time past + or to come. A long time past (for example) we call an hundred years since; + and a long time to come, an hundred years hence. But a short time past, we + call (suppose) often days since; and a short time to come, often days + hence. But in what sense is that long or short, which is not? For the + past, is not now; and the future, is not yet. Let us not then say, "it is + long"; but of the past, "it hath been long"; and of the future, "it will + be long." O my Lord, my Light, shall not here also Thy Truth mock at man? + For that past time which was long, was it long when it was now past, or + when it was yet present? For then might it be long, when there was, what + could be long; but when past, it was no longer; wherefore neither could + that be long, which was not at all. Let us not then say, "time past hath + been long": for we shall not find, what hath been long, seeing that since + it was past, it is no more, but let us say, "that present time was long"; + because, when it was present, it was long. For it had not yet passed away, + so as not to be; and therefore there was, what could be long; but after it + was past, that ceased also to be long, which ceased to be. + </p> + <p> + Let us see then, thou soul of man, whether present time can be long: for + to thee it is given to feel and to measure length of time. What wilt thou + answer me? Are an hundred years, when present, a long time? See first, + whether an hundred years can be present. For if the first of these years + be now current, it is present, but the other ninety and nine are to come, + and therefore are not yet, but if the second year be current, one is now + past, another present, the rest to come. And so if we assume any middle + year of this hundred to be present, all before it, are past; all after it, + to come; wherefore an hundred years cannot be present. But see at least + whether that one which is now current, itself is present; for if the + current month be its first, the rest are to come; if the second, the first + is already past, and the rest are not yet. Therefore, neither is the year + now current present; and if not present as a whole, then is not the year + present. For twelve months are a year; of which whatever by the current + month is present; the rest past, or to come. Although neither is that + current month present; but one day only; the rest being to come, if it be + the first; past, if the last; if any of the middle, then amid past and to + come. + </p> + <p> + See how the present time, which alone we found could be called long, is + abridged to the length scarce of one day. But let us examine that also; + because neither is one day present as a whole. For it is made up of four + and twenty hours of night and day: of which, the first hath the rest to + come; the last hath them past; and any of the middle hath those before it + past, those behind it to come. Yea, that one hour passeth away in flying + particles. Whatsoever of it hath flown away, is past; whatsoever + remaineth, is to come. If an instant of time be conceived, which cannot be + divided into the smallest particles of moments, that alone is it, which + may be called present. Which yet flies with such speed from future to + past, as not to be lengthened out with the least stay. For if it be, it is + divided into past and future. The present hath no space. Where then is the + time, which we may call long? Is it to come? Of it we do not say, "it is + long"; because it is not yet, so as to be long; but we say, "it will be + long." When therefore will it be? For if even then, when it is yet to + come, it shall not be long (because what can be long, as yet is not), and + so it shall then be long, when from future which as yet is not, it shall + begin now to be, and have become present, that so there should exist what + may be long; then does time present cry out in the words above, that it + cannot be long. + </p> + <p> + And yet, Lord, we perceive intervals of times, and compare them, and say, + some are shorter, and others longer. We measure also, how much longer or + shorter this time is than that; and we answer, "This is double, or treble; + and that, but once, or only just so much as that." But we measure times as + they are passing, by perceiving them; but past, which now are not, or the + future, which are not yet, who can measure? unless a man shall presume to + say, that can be measured, which is not. When then time is passing, it may + be perceived and measured; but when it is past, it cannot, because it is + not. + </p> + <p> + I ask, Father, I affirm not: O my God, rule and guide me. "Who will tell + me that there are not three times (as we learned when boys, and taught + boys), past, present, and future; but present only, because those two are + not? Or are they also; and when from future it becometh present, doth it + come out of some secret place; and so, when retiring, from present it + becometh past? For where did they, who foretold things to come, see them, + if as yet they be not? For that which is not, cannot be seen. And they who + relate things past, could not relate them, if in mind they did not discern + them, and if they were not, they could no way be discerned. Things then + past and to come, are." + </p> + <p> + Permit me, Lord, to seek further. O my hope, let not my purpose be + confounded. For if times past and to come be, I would know where they be. + Which yet if I cannot, yet I know, wherever they be, they are not there as + future, or past, but present. For if there also they be future, they are + not yet there; if there also they be past, they are no longer there. + Wheresoever then is whatsoever is, it is only as present. Although when + past facts are related, there are drawn out of the memory, not the things + themselves which are past, but words which, conceived by the images of the + things, they, in passing, have through the senses left as traces in the + mind. Thus my childhood, which now is not, is in time past, which now is + not: but now when I recall its image, and tell of it, I behold it in the + present, because it is still in my memory. Whether there be a like cause + of foretelling things to come also; that of things which as yet are not, + the images may be perceived before, already existing, I confess, O my God, + I know not. This indeed I know, that we generally think before on our + future actions, and that that forethinking is present, but the action + whereof we forethink is not yet, because it is to come. Which, when we + have set upon, and have begun to do what we were forethinking, then shall + that action be; because then it is no longer future, but present. + </p> + <p> + Which way soever then this secret fore-perceiving of things to come be; + that only can be seen, which is. But what now is, is not future, but + present. When then things to come are said to be seen, it is not + themselves which as yet are not (that is, which are to be), but their + causes perchance or signs are seen, which already are. Therefore they are + not future but present to those who now see that, from which the future, + being foreconceived in the mind, is foretold. Which fore-conceptions again + now are; and those who foretell those things, do behold the conceptions + present before them. Let now the numerous variety of things furnish me + some example. I behold the day-break, I foreshow, that the sun, is about + to rise. What I behold, is present; what I foresignify, to come; not the + sun, which already is; but the sun-rising, which is not yet. And yet did I + not in my mind imagine the sun-rising itself (as now while I speak of it), + I could not foretell it. But neither is that day-break which I discern in + the sky, the sun-rising, although it goes before it; nor that imagination + of my mind; which two are seen now present, that the other which is to be + may be foretold. Future things then are not yet: and if they be not yet, + they are not: and if they are not, they cannot be seen; yet foretold they + may be from things present, which are already, and are seen. + </p> + <p> + Thou then, Ruler of Thy creation, by what way dost Thou teach souls things + to come? For Thou didst teach Thy Prophets. By what way dost Thou, to whom + nothing is to come, teach things to come; or rather of the future, dost + teach things present? For, what is not, neither can it be taught. Too far + is this way of my ken: it is too mighty for me, I cannot attain unto it; + but from Thee I can, when Thou shalt vouchsafe it, O sweet light of my + hidden eyes. + </p> + <p> + What now is clear and plain is, that neither things to come nor past are. + Nor is it properly said, "there be three times, past, present, and to + come": yet perchance it might be properly said, "there be three times; a + present of things past, a present of things present, and a present of + things future." For these three do exist in some sort, in the soul, but + otherwhere do I not see them; present of things past, memory; present of + things present, sight; present of things future, expectation. If thus we + be permitted to speak, I see three times, and I confess there are three. + Let it be said too, "there be three times, past, present, and to come": in + our incorrect way. See, I object not, nor gainsay, nor find fault, if what + is so said be but understood, that neither what is to be, now is, nor what + is past. For but few things are there, which we speak properly, most + things improperly; still the things intended are understood. + </p> + <p> + I said then even now, we measure times as they pass, in order to be able + to say, this time is twice so much as that one; or, this is just so much + as that; and so of any other parts of time, which be measurable. + Wherefore, as I said, we measure times as they pass. And if any should ask + me, "How knowest thou?" I might answer, "I know, that we do measure, nor + can we measure things that are not; and things past and to come, are not." + But time present how do we measure, seeing it hath no space? It is + measured while passing, but when it shall have passed, it is not measured; + for there will be nothing to be measured. But whence, by what way, and + whither passes it while it is a measuring? whence, but from the future? + Which way, but through the present? whither, but into the past? From that + therefore, which is not yet, through that, which hath no space, into that, + which now is not. Yet what do we measure, if not time in some space? For + we do not say, single, and double, and triple, and equal, or any other + like way that we speak of time, except of spaces of times. In what space + then do we measure time passing? In the future, whence it passeth through? + But what is not yet, we measure not. Or in the present, by which it + passes? but no space, we do not measure: or in the past, to which it + passes? But neither do we measure that, which now is not. + </p> + <p> + My soul is on fire to know this most intricate enigma. Shut it not up, O + Lord my God, good Father; through Christ I beseech Thee, do not shut up + these usual, yet hidden things, from my desire, that it be hindered from + piercing into them; but let them dawn through Thy enlightening mercy, O + Lord. Whom shall I enquire of concerning these things? and to whom shall I + more fruitfully confess my ignorance, than to Thee, to Whom these my + studies, so vehemently kindled toward Thy Scriptures, are not troublesome? + Give what I love; for I do love, and this hast Thou given me. Give, + Father, Who truly knowest to give good gifts unto Thy children. Give, + because I have taken upon me to know, and trouble is before me until Thou + openest it. By Christ I beseech Thee, in His Name, Holy of holies, let no + man disturb me. For I believed, and therefore do I speak. This is my hope, + for this do I live, that I may contemplate the delights of the Lord. + Behold, Thou hast made my days old, and they pass away, and how, I know + not. And we talk of time, and time, and times, and times, "How long time + is it since he said this"; "how long time since he did this"; and "how + long time since I saw that"; and "this syllable hath double time to that + single short syllable." These words we speak, and these we hear, and are + understood, and understand. Most manifest and ordinary they are, and the + self-same things again are but too deeply hidden, and the discovery of + them were new. + </p> + <p> + I heard once from a learned man, that the motions of the sun, moon, and + stars, constituted time, and I assented not. For why should not the + motions of all bodies rather be times? Or, if the lights of heaven should + cease, and a potter's wheel run round, should there be no time by which we + might measure those whirlings, and say, that either it moved with equal + pauses, or if it turned sometimes slower, otherwhiles quicker, that some + rounds were longer, other shorter? Or, while we were saying this, should + we not also be speaking in time? Or, should there in our words be some + syllables short, others long, but because those sounded in a shorter time, + these in a longer? God, grant to men to see in a small thing notices + common to things great and small. The stars and lights of heaven, are also + for signs, and for seasons, and for years, and for days; they are; yet + neither should I say, that the going round of that wooden wheel was a day, + nor yet he, that it was therefore no time. + </p> + <p> + I desire to know the force and nature of time, by which we measure the + motions of bodies, and say (for example) this motion is twice as long as + that. For I ask, Seeing "day" denotes not the stay only of the sun upon + the earth (according to which day is one thing, night another); but also + its whole circuit from east to east again; according to which we say, + "there passed so many days," the night being included when we say, "so + many days," and the nights not reckoned apart;—seeing then a day is + completed by the motion of the sun and by his circuit from east to east + again, I ask, does the motion alone make the day, or the stay in which + that motion is completed, or both? For if the first be the day; then + should we have a day, although the sun should finish that course in so + small a space of time, as one hour comes to. If the second, then should + not that make a day, if between one sun-rise and another there were but so + short a stay, as one hour comes to; but the sun must go four and twenty + times about, to complete one day. If both, then neither could that be + called a day; if the sun should run his whole round in the space of one + hour; nor that, if, while the sun stood still, so much time should + overpass, as the sun usually makes his whole course in, from morning to + morning. I will not therefore now ask, what that is which is called day; + but, what time is, whereby we, measuring the circuit of the sun, should + say that it was finished in half the time it was wont, if so be it was + finished in so small a space as twelve hours; and comparing both times, + should call this a single time, that a double time; even supposing the sun + to run his round from east to east, sometimes in that single, sometimes in + that double time. Let no man then tell me, that the motions of the + heavenly bodies constitute times, because, when at the prayer of one, the + sun had stood still, till he could achieve his victorious battle, the sun + stood still, but time went on. For in its own allotted space of time was + that battle waged and ended. I perceive time then to be a certain + extension. But do I perceive it, or seem to perceive it? Thou, Light and + Truth, wilt show me. + </p> + <p> + Dost Thou bid me assent, if any define time to be "motion of a body?" Thou + dost not bid me. For that no body is moved, but in time, I hear; this Thou + sayest; but that the motion of a body is time, I hear not; Thou sayest it + not. For when a body is moved, I by time measure, how long it moveth, from + the time it began to move until it left off? And if I did not see whence + it began; and it continue to move so that I see not when it ends, I cannot + measure, save perchance from the time I began, until I cease to see. And + if I look long, I can only pronounce it to be a long time, but not how + long; because when we say "how long," we do it by comparison; as, "this is + as long as that," or "twice so long as that," or the like. But when we can + mark the distances of the places, whence and whither goeth the body moved, + or his parts, if it moved as in a lathe, then can we say precisely, in how + much time the motion of that body or his part, from this place unto that, + was finished. Seeing therefore the motion of a body is one thing, that by + which we measure how long it is, another; who sees not, which of the two + is rather to be called time? For and if a body be sometimes moved, + sometimes stands still, then we measure, not his motion only, but his + standing still too by time; and we say, "it stood still, as much as it + moved"; or "it stood still twice or thrice so long as it moved"; or any + other space which our measuring hath either ascertained, or guessed; more + or less, as we use to say. Time then is not the motion of a body. + </p> + <p> + And I confess to Thee, O Lord, that I yet know not what time is, and again + I confess unto Thee, O Lord, that I know that I speak this in time, and + that having long spoken of time, that very "long" is not long, but by the + pause of time. How then know I this, seeing I know not what time is? or is + it perchance that I know not how to express what I know? Woe is me, that + do not even know, what I know not. Behold, O my God, before Thee I lie + not; but as I speak, so is my heart. Thou shalt light my candle; Thou, O + Lord my God, wilt enlighten my darkness. + </p> + <p> + Does not my soul most truly confess unto Thee, that I do measure times? Do + I then measure, O my God, and know not what I measure? I measure the + motion of a body in time; and the time itself do I not measure? Or could I + indeed measure the motion of a body how long it were, and in how long + space it could come from this place to that, without measuring the time in + which it is moved? This same time then, how do I measure? do we by a + shorter time measure a longer, as by the space of a cubit, the space of a + rood? for so indeed we seem by the space of a short syllable, to measure + the space of a long syllable, and to say that this is double the other. + Thus measure we the spaces of stanzas, by the spaces of the verses, and + the spaces of the verses, by the spaces of the feet, and the spaces of the + feet, by the spaces of the syllables, and the spaces of long, by the space + of short syllables; not measuring by pages (for then we measure spaces, + not times); but when we utter the words and they pass by, and we say "it + is a long stanza, because composed of so many verses; long verses, + because consisting of so many feet; long feet, because prolonged by so + many syllables; a long syllable because double to a short one." But neither + do we this way obtain any certain measure of time; because it may be, that + a shorter verse, pronounced more fully, may take up more time than a + longer, pronounced hurriedly. And so for a verse, a foot, a syllable. + Whence it seemed to me, that time is nothing else than protraction; but of + what, I know not; and I marvel, if it be not of the mind itself? For what, + I beseech Thee, O my God, do I measure, when I say, either indefinitely + "this is a longer time than that," or definitely "this is double that"? + That I measure time, I know; and yet I measure not time to come, for it is + not yet; nor present, because it is not protracted by any space; nor past, + because it now is not. What then do I measure? Times passing, not past? + for so I said. + </p> + <p> + Courage, my mind, and press on mightily. God is our helper, He made us, + and not we ourselves. Press on where truth begins to dawn. Suppose, now, + the voice of a body begins to sound, and does sound, and sounds on, and + list, it ceases; it is silence now, and that voice is past, and is no more + a voice. Before it sounded, it was to come, and could not be measured, + because as yet it was not, and now it cannot, because it is no longer. + Then therefore while it sounded, it might; because there then was what + might be measured. But yet even then it was not at a stay; for it was + passing on, and passing away. Could it be measured the rather, for that? + For while passing, it was being extended into some space of time, so that + it might be measured, since the present hath no space. If therefore then + it might, then, lo, suppose another voice hath begun to sound, and still + soundeth in one continued tenor without any interruption; let us measure + it while it sounds; seeing when it hath left sounding, it will then be + past, and nothing left to be measured; let us measure it verily, and tell + how much it is. But it sounds still, nor can it be measured but from the + instant it began in, unto the end it left in. For the very space between + is the thing we measure, namely, from some beginning unto some end. + Wherefore, a voice that is not yet ended, cannot be measured, so that it + may be said how long, or short it is; nor can it be called equal to + another, or double to a single, or the like. But when ended, it no longer + is. How may it then be measured? And yet we measure times; but yet neither + those which are not yet, nor those which no longer are, nor those which + are not lengthened out by some pause, nor those which have no bounds. We + measure neither times to come, nor past, nor present, nor passing; and yet + we do measure times. + </p> + <p> + "Deus Creator omnium," this verse of eight syllables alternates between + short and long syllables. The four short then, the first, third, fifth, + and seventh, are but single, in respect of the four long, the second, + fourth, sixth, and eighth. Every one of these to every one of those, hath + a double time: I pronounce them, report on them, and find it so, as one's + plain sense perceives. By plain sense then, I measure a long syllable by a + short, and I sensibly find it to have twice so much; but when one sounds + after the other, if the former be short, the latter long, how shall I + detain the short one, and how, measuring, shall I apply it to the long, + that I may find this to have twice so much; seeing the long does not begin + to sound, unless the short leaves sounding? And that very long one do I + measure as present, seeing I measure it not till it be ended? Now his + ending is his passing away. What then is it I measure? where is the short + syllable by which I measure? where the long which I measure? Both have + sounded, have flown, passed away, are no more; and yet I measure, and + confidently answer (so far as is presumed on a practised sense) that as to + space of time this syllable is but single, that double. And yet I could + not do this, unless they were already past and ended. It is not then + themselves, which now are not, that I measure, but something in my memory, + which there remains fixed. + </p> + <p> + It is in thee, my mind, that I measure times. Interrupt me not, that is, + interrupt not thyself with the tumults of thy impressions. In thee I + measure times; the impression, which things as they pass by cause in thee, + remains even when they are gone; this it is which still present, I + measure, not the things which pass by to make this impression. This I + measure, when I measure times. Either then this is time, or I do not + measure times. What when we measure silence, and say that this silence + hath held as long time as did that voice? do we not stretch out our + thought to the measure of a voice, as if it sounded, that so we may be + able to report of the intervals of silence in a given space of time? For + though both voice and tongue be still, yet in thought we go over poems, + and verses, and any other discourse, or dimensions of motions, and report + as to the spaces of times, how much this is in respect of that, no + otherwise than if vocally we did pronounce them. If a man would utter a + lengthened sound, and had settled in thought how long it should be, he + hath in silence already gone through a space of time, and committing it to + memory, begins to utter that speech, which sounds on, until it be brought + unto the end proposed. Yea it hath sounded, and will sound; for so much of + it as is finished, hath sounded already, and the rest will sound. And thus + passeth it on, until the present intent conveys over the future into the + past; the past increasing by the diminution of the future, until by the + consumption of the future, all is past. + </p> + <p> + But how is that future diminished or consumed, which as yet is not? or how + that past increased, which is now no longer, save that in the mind which + enacteth this, there be three things done? For it expects, it considers, + it remembers; that so that which it expecteth, through that which it + considereth, passeth into that which it remembereth. Who therefore + denieth, that things to come are not as yet? and yet, there is in the mind + an expectation of things to come. And who denies past things to be now no + longer? and yet is there still in the mind a memory of things past. And + who denieth the present time hath no space, because it passeth away in a + moment? and yet our consideration continueth, through which that which + shall be present proceedeth to become absent. It is not then future time, + that is long, for as yet it is not: but a long future, is "a long + expectation of the future," nor is it time past, which now is not, that is + long; but a long past, is "a long memory of the past." + </p> + <p> + I am about to repeat a Psalm that I know. Before I begin, my expectation + is extended over the whole; but when I have begun, how much soever of it I + shall separate off into the past, is extended along my memory; thus the + life of this action of mine is divided between my memory as to what I have + repeated, and expectation as to what I am about to repeat; but + "consideration" is present with me, that through it what was future, may + be conveyed over, so as to become past. Which the more it is done again + and again, so much the more the expectation being shortened, is the memory + enlarged: till the whole expectation be at length exhausted, when that + whole action being ended, shall have passed into memory. And this which + takes place in the whole Psalm, the same takes place in each several + portion of it, and each several syllable; the same holds in that longer + action, whereof this Psalm may be part; the same holds in the whole life + of man, whereof all the actions of man are parts; the same holds through + the whole age of the sons of men, whereof all the lives of men are parts. + </p> + <p> + But because Thy loving-kindness is better than all lives, behold, my life + is but a distraction, and Thy right hand upheld me, in my Lord the Son of + man, the Mediator betwixt Thee, The One, and us many, many also through + our manifold distractions amid many things, that by Him I may apprehend in + Whom I have been apprehended, and may be re-collected from my old + conversation, to follow The One, forgetting what is behind, and not + distended but extended, not to things which shall be and shall pass away, + but to those things which are before, not distractedly but intently, I + follow on for the prize of my heavenly calling, where I may hear the voice + of Thy praise, and contemplate Thy delights, neither to come, nor to pass + away. But now are my years spent in mourning. And Thou, O Lord, art my + comfort, my Father everlasting, but I have been severed amid times, whose + order I know not; and my thoughts, even the inmost bowels of my soul, are + rent and mangled with tumultuous varieties, until I flow together into + Thee, purified and molten by the fire of Thy love. + </p> + <p> + And now will I stand, and become firm in Thee, in my mould, Thy truth; nor + will I endure the questions of men, who by a penal disease thirst for more + than they can contain, and say, "what did God before He made heaven and + earth?" Or, "How came it into His mind to make any thing, having never + before made any thing?" Give them, O Lord, well to bethink themselves what + they say, and to find, that "never" cannot be predicated, when "time" is + not. This then that He is said "never to have made"; what else is it to + say, than "in 'no time' to have made?" Let them see therefore, that time + cannot be without created being, and cease to speak that vanity. May they + also be extended towards those things which are before; and understand + Thee before all times, the eternal Creator of all times, and that no times + be coeternal with Thee, nor any creature, even if there be any creature + before all times. + </p> + <p> + O Lord my God, what a depth is that recess of Thy mysteries, and how far + from it have the consequences of my transgressions cast me! Heal mine + eyes, that I may share the joy of Thy light. Certainly, if there be mind + gifted with such vast knowledge and foreknowledge, as to know all things + past and to come, as I know one well-known Psalm, truly that mind is + passing wonderful, and fearfully amazing; in that nothing past, nothing to + come in after-ages, is any more hidden from him, than when I sung that + Psalm, was hidden from me what, and how much of it had passed away from + the beginning, what, and how much there remained unto the end. But far be + it that Thou the Creator of the Universe, the Creator of souls and bodies, + far be it, that Thou shouldest in such wise know all things past and to + come. Far, far more wonderfully, and far more mysteriously, dost Thou know + them. For not, as the feelings of one who singeth what he knoweth, or + heareth some well-known song, are through expectation of the words to + come, and the remembering of those that are past, varied, and his senses + divided,—not so doth any thing happen unto Thee, unchangeably + eternal, that is, the eternal Creator of minds. Like then as Thou in the + Beginning knewest the heaven and the earth, without any variety of Thy + knowledge, so madest Thou in the Beginning heaven and earth, without any + distraction of Thy action. Whoso understandeth, let him confess unto Thee; + and whoso understandeth not, let him confess unto Thee. Oh how high art + Thou, and yet the humble in heart are Thy dwelling-place; for Thou raisest + up those that are bowed down, and they fall not, whose elevation Thou art. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"></a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOOK XII + </h2> + <p> + My heart, O Lord, touched with the words of Thy Holy Scripture, is much + busied, amid this poverty of my life. And therefore most times, is the + poverty of human understanding copious in words, because enquiring hath + more to say than discovering, and demanding is longer than obtaining, and + our hand that knocks, hath more work to do, than our hand that receives. + We hold the promise, who shall make it null? If God be for us, who can be + against us? Ask, and ye shall have; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it + shall be opened unto you. For every one that asketh, receiveth; and he + that seeketh, findeth; and to him that knocketh, shall it be opened. These + be Thine own promises: and who need fear to be deceived, when the Truth + promiseth? + </p> + <p> + The lowliness of my tongue confesseth unto Thy Highness, that Thou madest + heaven and earth; this heaven which I see, and this earth that I tread + upon, whence is this earth that I bear about me; Thou madest it. But where + is that heaven of heavens, O Lord, which we hear of in the words of the + Psalm. The heaven of heavens are the Lord's; but the earth hath He given + to the children of men? Where is that heaven which we see not, to which + all this which we see is earth? For this corporeal whole, not being wholly + every where, hath in such wise received its portion of beauty in these + lower parts, whereof the lowest is this our earth; but to that heaven of + heavens, even the heaven of our earth, is but earth: yea both these great + bodies, may not absurdly be called earth, to that unknown heaven, which is + the Lord's, not the sons' of men. + </p> + <p> + And now this earth was invisible and without form, and there was I know + not what depth of abyss, upon which there was no light, because it had no + shape. Therefore didst Thou command it to be written, that darkness was + upon the face of the deep; what else than the absence of light? For had + there been light, where should it have been but by being over all, aloft, + and enlightening? Where then light was not, what was the presence of + darkness, but the absence of light? Darkness therefore was upon it, + because light was not upon it; as where sound is not, there is silence. + And what is it to have silence there, but to have no sound there? Hast not + Thou, O Lord, taught his soul, which confesseth unto Thee? Hast not Thou + taught me, Lord, that before Thou formedst and diversifiedst this formless + matter, there was nothing, neither colour, nor figure, nor body, nor + spirit? and yet not altogether nothing; for there was a certain + formlessness, without any beauty. + </p> + <p> + How then should it be called, that it might be in some measure conveyed to + those of duller mind, but by some ordinary word? And what, among all parts + of the world can be found nearer to an absolute formlessness, than earth + and deep? For, occupying the lowest stage, they are less beautiful than + the other higher parts are, transparent all and shining. Wherefore then + may I not conceive the formlessness of matter (which Thou hadst created + without beauty, whereof to make this beautiful world) to be suitably + intimated unto men, by the name of earth invisible and without form. + </p> + <p> + So that when thought seeketh what the sense may conceive under this, and + saith to itself, "It is no intellectual form, as life, or justice; because + it is the matter of bodies; nor object of sense, because being invisible, + and without form, there was in it no object of sight or sense";—while + man's thought thus saith to itself, it may endeavour either to know it, by + being ignorant of it; or to be ignorant, by knowing it. + </p> + <p> + But I, Lord, if I would, by my tongue and my pen, confess unto Thee the + whole, whatever Thyself hath taught me of that matter,—the name + whereof hearing before, and not understanding, when they who understood it + not, told me of it, so I conceived of it as having innumerable forms and + diverse, and therefore did not conceive it at all, my mind tossed up and + down foul and horrible "forms" out of all order, but yet "forms" and I + called it without form not that it wanted all form, but because it had + such as my mind would, if presented to it, turn from, as unwonted and + jarring, and human frailness would be troubled at. And still that which I + conceived, was without form, not as being deprived of all form, but in + comparison of more beautiful forms; and true reason did persuade me, that + I must utterly uncase it of all remnants of form whatsoever, if I would + conceive matter absolutely without form; and I could not; for sooner could + I imagine that not to be at all, which should be deprived of all form, + than conceive a thing betwixt form and nothing, neither formed, nor + nothing, a formless almost nothing. So my mind gave over to question + thereupon with my spirit, it being filled with the images of formed + bodies, and changing and varying them, as it willed; and I bent myself to + the bodies themselves, and looked more deeply into their changeableness, + by which they cease to be what they have been, and begin to be what they + were not; and this same shifting from form to form, I suspected to be + through a certain formless state, not through a mere nothing; yet this I + longed to know, not to suspect only.-If then my voice and pen would + confess unto Thee the whole, whatsoever knots Thou didst open for me in + this question, what reader would hold out to take in the whole? Nor shall + my heart for all this cease to give Thee honour, and a song of praise, for + those things which it is not able to express. For the changeableness of + changeable things, is itself capable of all those forms, into which these + changeable things are changed. And this changeableness, what is it? Is it + soul? Is it body? Is it that which constituteth soul or body? Might one + say, "a nothing something", an "is, is not," I would say, this were it: + and yet in some way was it even then, as being capable of receiving these + visible and compound figures. + </p> + <p> + But whence had it this degree of being, but from Thee, from Whom are all + things, so far forth as they are? But so much the further from Thee, as + the unliker Thee; for it is not farness of place. Thou therefore, Lord, + Who art not one in one place, and otherwise in another, but the Self-same, + and the Self-same, and the Self-same, Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord God Almighty, + didst in the Beginning, which is of Thee, in Thy Wisdom, which was born of + Thine own Substance, create something, and that out of nothing. For Thou + createdst heaven and earth; not out of Thyself, for so should they have + been equal to Thine Only Begotten Son, and thereby to Thee also; whereas + no way were it right that aught should be equal to Thee, which was not of + Thee. And aught else besides Thee was there not, whereof Thou mightest + create them, O God, One Trinity, and Trine Unity; and therefore out of + nothing didst Thou create heaven and earth; a great thing, and a small + thing; for Thou art Almighty and Good, to make all things good, even the + great heaven, and the petty earth. Thou wert, and nothing was there + besides, out of which Thou createdst heaven and earth; things of two + sorts; one near Thee, the other near to nothing; one to which Thou alone + shouldest be superior; the other, to which nothing should be inferior. + </p> + <p> + But that heaven of heavens was for Thyself, O Lord; but the earth which + Thou gavest to the sons of men, to be seen and felt, was not such as we + now see and feel. For it was invisible, without form, and there was a + deep, upon which there was no light; or, darkness was above the deep, that + is, more than in the deep. Because this deep of waters, visible now, hath + even in his depths, a light proper for its nature; perceivable in whatever + degree unto the fishes, and creeping things in the bottom of it. But that + whole deep was almost nothing, because hitherto it was altogether without + form; yet there was already that which could be formed. For Thou, Lord, + madest the world of a matter without form, which out of nothing, Thou + madest next to nothing, thereof to make those great things, which we sons + of men wonder at. For very wonderful is this corporeal heaven; of which + firmament between water and water, the second day, after the creation of + light, Thou saidst, Let it be made, and it was made. Which firmament Thou + calledst heaven; the heaven, that is, to this earth and sea, which Thou + madest the third day, by giving a visible figure to the formless matter, + which Thou madest before all days. For already hadst Thou made both an + heaven, before all days; but that was the heaven of this heaven; because + In the beginning Thou hadst made heaven and earth. But this same earth + which Thou madest was formless matter, because it was invisible and + without form, and darkness was upon the deep, of which invisible earth and + without form, of which formlessness, of which almost nothing, Thou + mightest make all these things of which this changeable world consists, + but subsists not; whose very changeableness appears therein, that times + can be observed and numbered in it. For times are made by the alterations + of things, while the figures, the matter whereof is the invisible earth + aforesaid, are varied and turned. + </p> + <p> + And therefore the Spirit, the Teacher of Thy servant, when It recounts + Thee to have In the Beginning created heaven and earth, speaks nothing of + times, nothing of days. For verily that heaven of heavens which Thou + createdst in the Beginning, is some intellectual creature, which, although + no ways coeternal unto Thee, the Trinity, yet partaketh of Thy eternity, + and doth through the sweetness of that most happy contemplation of + Thyself, strongly restrain its own changeableness; and without any fall + since its first creation, cleaving close unto Thee, is placed beyond all + the rolling vicissitude of times. Yea, neither is this very formlessness + of the earth, invisible, and without form, numbered among the days. For + where no figure nor order is, there does nothing come, or go; and where + this is not, there plainly are no days, nor any vicissitude of spaces of + times. + </p> + <p> + O let the Light, the Truth, the Light of my heart, not mine own darkness, + speak unto me. I fell off into that, and became darkened; but even thence, + even thence I loved Thee. I went astray, and remembered Thee. I heard Thy + voice behind me, calling to me to return, and scarcely heard it, through + the tumultuousness of the enemies of peace. And now, behold, I return in + distress and panting after Thy fountain. Let no man forbid me! of this + will I drink, and so live. Let me not be mine own life; from myself I + lived ill, death was I to myself; and I revive in Thee. Do Thou speak unto + me, do Thou discourse unto me. I have believed Thy Books, and their words + be most full of mystery. + </p> + <p> + Already Thou hast told me with a strong voice, O Lord, in my inner ear, + that Thou art eternal, Who only hast immortality; since Thou canst not be + changed as to figure or motion, nor is Thy will altered by times: seeing + no will which varies is immortal. This is in Thy sight clear to me, and + let it be more and more cleared to me, I beseech Thee; and in the + manifestation thereof, let me with sobriety abide under Thy wings. Thou + hast told me also with a strong voice, O Lord, in my inner ear, that Thou + hast made all natures and substances, which are not what Thyself is, and + yet are; and that only is not from Thee, which is not, and the motion of + the will from Thee who art, unto that which in a less degree is, because + such motion is transgression and sin; and that no man's sin doth either + hurt Thee, or disturb the order of Thy government, first or last. This is + in Thy sight clear unto me, and let it be more and more cleared to me, I + beseech Thee: and in the manifestation thereof, let me with sobriety abide + under Thy wings. + </p> + <p> + Thou hast told me also with a strong voice, in my inner ear, that neither + is that creature coeternal unto Thyself, whose happiness Thou only art, + and which with a most persevering purity, drawing its nourishment from + Thee, doth in no place and at no time put forth its natural mutability; + and, Thyself being ever present with it, unto Whom with its whole + affection it keeps itself, having neither future to expect, nor conveying + into the past what it remembereth, is neither altered by any change, nor + distracted into any times. O blessed creature, if such there be, for + cleaving unto Thy Blessedness; blest in Thee, its eternal Inhabitant and + its Enlightener! Nor do I find by what name I may the rather call the + heaven of heavens which is the Lord's, than Thine house, which + contemplateth Thy delights without any defection of going forth to + another; one pure mind, most harmoniously one, by that settled estate of + peace of holy spirits, the citizens of Thy city in heavenly places; far + above those heavenly places that we see. + </p> + <p> + By this may the soul, whose pilgrimage is made long and far away, by this + may she understand, if she now thirsts for Thee, if her tears be now + become her bread, while they daily say unto her, Where is Thy God? if she + now seeks of Thee one thing, and desireth it, that she may dwell in Thy + house all the days of her life (and what is her life, but Thou? and what + Thy days, but Thy eternity, as Thy years which fail not, because Thou art + ever the same?); by this then may the soul that is able, understand how + far Thou art, above all times, eternal; seeing Thy house which at no time + went into a far country, although it be not coeternal with Thee, yet by + continually and unfailingly cleaving unto Thee, suffers no changeableness + of times. This is in Thy sight clear unto me, and let it be more and more + cleared unto me, I beseech Thee, and in the manifestation thereof, let me + with sobriety abide under Thy wings. + </p> + <p> + There is, behold, I know not what formlessness in those changes of these + last and lowest creatures; and who shall tell me (unless such a one as + through the emptiness of his own heart, wonders and tosses himself up and + down amid his own fancies?), who but such a one would tell me, that if all + figure be so wasted and consumed away, that there should only remain that + formlessness, through which the thing was changed and turned from one + figure to another, that that could exhibit the vicissitudes of times? For + plainly it could not, because, without the variety of motions, there are + no times: and no variety, where there is no figure. + </p> + <p> + These things considered, as much as Thou givest, O my God, as much as Thou + stirrest me up to knock, and as much as Thou openest to me knocking, two + things I find that Thou hast made, not within the compass of time, neither + of which is coeternal with Thee. One, which is so formed, that without any + ceasing of contemplation, without any interval of change, though + changeable, yet not changed, it may thoroughly enjoy Thy eternity and + unchangeableness; the other which was so formless, that it had not that, + which could be changed from one form into another, whether of motion, or + of repose, so as to become subject unto time. But this Thou didst not + leave thus formless, because before all days, Thou in the Beginning didst + create Heaven and Earth; the two things that I spake of. But the Earth was + invisible and without form, and darkness was upon the deep. In which + words, is the formlessness conveyed unto us (that such capacities may + hereby be drawn on by degrees, as are not able to conceive an utter + privation of all form, without yet coming to nothing), out of which + another Heaven might be created, together with a visible and well-formed + earth: and the waters diversly ordered, and whatsoever further is in the + formation of the world, recorded to have been, not without days, created; + and that, as being of such nature, that the successive changes of times + may take place in them, as being subject to appointed alterations of + motions and of forms. + </p> + <p> + This then is what I conceive, O my God, when I hear Thy Scripture saying, + In the beginning God made Heaven and Earth: and the Earth was invisible + and without form, and darkness was upon the deep, and not mentioning what + day Thou createdst them; this is what I conceive, that because of the + Heaven of heavens,—that intellectual Heaven, whose Intelligences + know all at once, not in part, not darkly, not through a glass, but as a + whole, in manifestation, face to face; not, this thing now, and that thing + anon; but (as I said) know all at once, without any succession of times;—and + because of the earth invisible and without form, without any succession of + times, which succession presents "this thing now, that thing anon"; + because where is no form, there is no distinction of things:—it is, + then, on account of these two, a primitive formed, and a primitive + formless; the one, heaven but the Heaven of heaven, the other earth but + the earth invisible and without form; because of these two do I conceive, + did Thy Scripture say without mention of days, In the Beginning God + created Heaven and Earth. For forthwith it subjoined what earth it spake + of; and also, in that the Firmament is recorded to be created the second + day, and called Heaven, it conveys to us of which Heaven He before spake, + without mention of days. + </p> + <p> + Wondrous depth of Thy words! whose surface, behold! is before us, inviting + to little ones; yet are they a wondrous depth. O my God, a wondrous depth! + It is awful to look therein; an awfulness of honour, and a trembling of + love. The enemies thereof I hate vehemently; oh that Thou wouldest slay + them with Thy two-edged sword, that they might no longer be enemies unto + it: for so do I love to have them slain unto themselves, that they may + live unto Thee. But behold others not faultfinders, but extollers of the + book of Genesis; "The Spirit of God," say they, "Who by His servant Moses + wrote these things, would not have those words thus understood; He would + not have it understood, as thou sayest, but otherwise, as we say." Unto + Whom Thyself, O Thou God all, being judge, do I thus answer. + </p> + <p> + "Will you affirm that to be false, which with a strong voice Truth tells + me in my inner ear, concerning the Eternity of the Creator, that His + substance is no ways changed by time, nor His will separate from His + substance? Wherefore He willeth not one thing now, another anon, but once, + and at once, and always, He willeth all things that He willeth; not again + and again, nor now this, now that; nor willeth afterwards, what before He + willed not, nor willeth not, what before He willed; because such a will is + and no mutable thing is eternal: but our God is eternal. Again, what He + tells me in my inner ear, the expectation of things to come becomes sight, + when they are come, and this same sight becomes memory, when they be past. + Now all thought which thus varies is mutable; and no mutable thing is + eternal: but our God is eternal." These things I infer, and put together, + and find that my God, the eternal God, hath not upon any new will made any + creature, nor doth His knowledge admit of any thing transitory. "What will + ye say then, O ye gainsayers? Are these things false?" "No," they say; + "What then? Is it false, that every nature already formed, or matter + capable of form, is not, but from Him Who is supremely good, because He is + supremely?" "Neither do we deny this," say they. "What then? do you deny + this, that there is a certain sublime creature, with so chaste a love + cleaving unto the true and truly eternal God, that although not coeternal + with Him, yet is it not detached from Him, nor dissolved into the variety + and vicissitude of times, but reposeth in the most true contemplation of + Him only?" Because Thou, O God, unto him that loveth Thee so much as Thou + commandest, dost show Thyself, and sufficest him; and therefore doth he + not decline from Thee, nor toward himself. This is the house of God, not + of earthly mould, nor of celestial bulk corporeal but spiritual, and + partaker of Thy eternity, because without defection for ever. For Thou + hast made it fast for ever and ever, Thou hast given it a law which it + shall not pass. Nor yet is it coeternal with Thee, O God, because not + without beginning; for it was made. + </p> + <p> + For although we find no time before it, for wisdom was created before all + things; not that Wisdom which is altogether equal and coeternal unto Thee, + our God, His Father, and by Whom all things were created, and in Whom, as + the Beginning, Thou createdst heaven and earth; but that wisdom which is + created, that is, the intellectual nature, which by contemplating the + light, is light. For this, though created, is also called wisdom. But what + difference there is betwixt the Light which enlighteneth, and which is + enlightened, so much is there betwixt the Wisdom that createth, and that + created; as betwixt the Righteousness which justifieth, and the + righteousness which is made by justification. For we also are called Thy + righteousness; for so saith a certain servant of Thine, That we might be + made the righteousness of God in Him. Therefore since a certain created + wisdom was created before all things, the rational and intellectual mind + of that chaste city of Thine, our mother which is above, and is free and + eternal in the heavens (in what heavens, if not in those that praise Thee, + the Heaven of heavens? Because this is also the Heaven of heavens for the + Lord);—though we find no time before it (because that which hath + been created before all things, precedeth also the creature of time), yet + is the Eternity of the Creator Himself before it, from Whom, being + created, it took the beginning, not indeed of time (for time itself was + not yet), but of its creation. + </p> + <p> + Hence it is so of Thee, our God, as to be altogether other than Thou, and + not the Self-same: because though we find time neither before it, nor even + in it (it being meet ever to behold Thy face, nor is ever drawn away from + it, wherefore it is not varied by any change), yet is there in it a + liability to change, whence it would wax dark, and chill, but that by a + strong affection cleaving unto Thee, like perpetual noon, it shineth and + gloweth from Thee. O house most lightsome and delightsome! I have loved + thy beauty, and the place of the habitation of the glory of my Lord, thy + builder and possessor. Let my wayfaring sigh after thee, and I say to Him + that made thee, let Him take possession of me also in thee, seeing He hath + made me likewise. I have gone astray like a lost sheep: yet upon the + shoulders of my Shepherd, thy builder, hope I to be brought back to thee. + </p> + <p> + "What say ye to me, O ye gainsayers that I was speaking unto, who yet + believe Moses to have been the holy servant of God, and his books the + oracles of the Holy Ghost? Is not this house of God, not coeternal indeed + with God, yet after its measure, eternal in the heavens, when you seek for + changes of times in vain, because you will not find them? For that, to + which it is ever good to cleave fast to God, surpasses all extension, and + all revolving periods of time." "It is," say they. "What then of all that + which my heart loudly uttered unto my God, when inwardly it heard the + voice of His praise, what part thereof do you affirm to be false? Is it + that the matter was without form, in which because there was no form, + there was no order? But where no order was, there could be no vicissitude + of times: and yet this 'almost nothing,' inasmuch as it was not altogether + nothing, was from Him certainly, from Whom is whatsoever is, in what + degree soever it is." "This also," say they, "do we not deny." + </p> + <p> + With these I now parley a little in Thy presence, O my God, who grant all + these things to be true, which Thy Truth whispers unto my soul. For those + who deny these things, let them bark and deafen themselves as much as they + please; I will essay to persuade them to quiet, and to open in them a way + for Thy word. But if they refuse, and repel me; I beseech, O my God, be + not Thou silent to me. Speak Thou truly in my heart; for only Thou so + speakest: and I will let them alone blowing upon the dust without, and + raising it up into their own eyes: and myself will enter my chamber, and + sing there a song of loves unto Thee; groaning with groanings unutterable, + in my wayfaring, and remembering Jerusalem, with heart lifted up towards + it, Jerusalem my country, Jerusalem my mother, and Thyself that rulest + over it, the Enlightener, Father, Guardian, Husband, the pure and strong + delight, and solid joy, and all good things unspeakable, yea all at once, + because the One Sovereign and true Good. Nor will I be turned away, until + Thou gather all that I am, from this dispersed and disordered estate, into + the peace of that our most dear mother, where the first-fruits of my + spirit be already (whence I am ascertained of these things), and Thou + conform and confirm it for ever, O my God, my Mercy. But those who do not + affirm all these truths to be false, who honour Thy holy Scripture, set + forth by holy Moses, placing it, as we, on the summit of authority to be + followed, and do yet contradict me in some thing, I answer thus; By + Thyself judge, O our God, between my Confessions and these men's + contradictions. + </p> + <p> + For they say, "Though these things be true, yet did not Moses intend those + two, when, by revelation of the Spirit, he said, In the beginning God + created heaven and earth. He did not under the name of heaven, signify + that spiritual or intellectual creature which always beholds the face of + God; nor under the name of earth, that formless matter." "What then?" + "That man of God," say they, "meant as we say, this declared he by those + words." "What?" "By the name of heaven and earth would he first signify," + say they, "universally and compendiously, all this visible world; so as + afterwards by the enumeration of the several days, to arrange in detail, + and, as it were, piece by piece, all those things, which it pleased the + Holy Ghost thus to enounce. For such were that rude and carnal people to + which he spake, that he thought them fit to be entrusted with the + knowledge of such works of God only as were visible." They agree, however, + that under the words earth invisible and without form, and that darksome + deep (out of which it is subsequently shown, that all these visible things + which we all know, were made and arranged during those "days") may, not + incongruously, be understood of this formless first matter. + </p> + <p> + What now if another should say that "this same formlessness and + confusedness of matter, was for this reason first conveyed under the name + of heaven and earth, because out of it was this visible world with all + those natures which most manifestly appear in it, which is ofttimes called + by the name of heaven and earth, created and perfected?" What again if + another say that "invisible and visible nature is not indeed + inappropriately called heaven and earth; and so, that the universal + creation, which God made in His Wisdom, that is, in the Beginning, was + comprehended under those two words? Notwithstanding, since all things be + made not of the substance of God, but out of nothing (because they are not + the same that God is, and there is a mutable nature in them all, whether + they abide, as doth the eternal house of God, or be changed, as the soul + and body of man are): therefore the common matter of all things visible + and invisible (as yet unformed though capable of form), out of which was + to be created both heaven and earth (i.e., the invisible and visible + creature when formed), was entitled by the same names given to the earth + invisible and without form and the darkness upon the deep, but with this + distinction, that by the earth invisible and without form is understood + corporeal matter, antecedent to its being qualified by any form; and by + the darkness upon the deep, spiritual matter, before it underwent any + restraint of its unlimited fluidness, or received any light from Wisdom?" + </p> + <p> + It yet remains for a man to say, if he will, that "the already perfected + and formed natures, visible and invisible, are not signified under the + name of heaven and earth, when we read, In the beginning God made heaven + and earth, but that the yet unformed commencement of things, the stuff apt + to receive form and making, was called by these names, because therein + were confusedly contained, not as yet distinguished by their qualities and + forms, all those things which being now digested into order, are called + Heaven and Earth, the one being the spiritual, the other the corporeal, + creation." + </p> + <p> + All which things being heard and well considered, I will not strive about + words: for that is profitable to nothing, but the subversion of the + hearers. But the law is good to edify, if a man use it lawfully: for that + the end of it is charity, out of a pure heart and good conscience, and + faith unfeigned. And well did our Master know, upon which two commandments + He hung all the Law and the Prophets. And what doth it prejudice me, O my + God, Thou light of my eyes in secret, zealously confessing these things, + since divers things may be understood under these words which yet are all + true,—what, I say, doth it prejudice me, if I think otherwise than + another thinketh the writer thought? All we readers verily strive to trace + out and to understand his meaning whom we read; and seeing we believe him + to speak truly, we dare not imagine him to have said any thing, which + ourselves either know or think to be false. While every man endeavours + then to understand in the Holy Scriptures, the same as the writer + understood, what hurt is it, if a man understand what Thou, the light of + all true-speaking minds, dost show him to be true, although he whom he + reads, understood not this, seeing he also understood a Truth, though not + this truth? + </p> + <p> + For true it is, O Lord, that Thou madest heaven and earth; and it is true + too, that the Beginning is Thy Wisdom, in Which Thou createst all: and + true again, that this visible world hath for its greater part the heaven + and the earth, which briefly comprise all made and created natures. And + true too, that whatsoever is mutable, gives us to understand a certain + want of form, whereby it receiveth a form, or is changed, or turned. It is + true, that that is subject to no times, which so cleaveth to the + unchangeable Form, as though subject to change, never to be changed. It is + true, that that formlessness which is almost nothing, cannot be subject to + the alteration of times. It is true, that that whereof a thing is made, + may by a certain mode of speech, be called by the name of the thing made + of it; whence that formlessness, whereof heaven and earth were made, might + be called heaven and earth. It is true, that of things having form, there + is not any nearer to having no form, than the earth and the deep. It is + true, that not only every created and formed thing, but whatsoever is + capable of being created and formed, Thou madest, of Whom are all things. + It is true, that whatsoever is formed out of that which had no form, was + unformed before it was formed. + </p> + <p> + Out of these truths, of which they doubt not whose inward eye Thou hast + enabled to see such things, and who unshakenly believe Thy servant Moses + to have spoken in the Spirit of truth;—of all these then, he taketh + one, who saith, In the Beginning God made the heaven and the earth; that + is, "in His Word coeternal with Himself, God made the intelligible and the + sensible, or the spiritual and the corporeal creature." He another, that + saith, In the Beginning God made heaven and earth; that is, "in His Word + coeternal with Himself, did God make the universal bulk of this corporeal + world, together with all those apparent and known creatures, which it + containeth." He another, that saith, In the Beginning God made heaven and + earth; that is, "in His Word coeternal with Himself, did God make the + formless matter of creatures spiritual and corporeal." He another, that + saith, In the Beginning God created heaven and earth; that is, "in His + Word coeternal with Himself, did God create the formless matter of the + creature corporeal, wherein heaven and earth lay as yet confused, which, + being now distinguished and formed, we at this day see in the bulk of this + world." He another, who saith, In the Beginning God made heaven and earth; + that is, "in the very beginning of creating and working, did God make that + formless matter, confusedly containing in itself both heaven and earth; + out of which, being formed, do they now stand out, and are apparent, with + all that is in them." + </p> + <p> + And with regard to the understanding of the words following, out of all + those truths, he chooses one to himself, who saith, But the earth was + invisible, and without form, and darkness was upon the deep; that is, + "that corporeal thing that God made, was as yet a formless matter of + corporeal things, without order, without light." Another he who says, The + earth was invisible and without form, and darkness was upon the deep; that + is, "this all, which is called heaven and earth, was still a formless and + darksome matter, of which the corporeal heaven and the corporeal earth + were to be made, with all things in them, which are known to our corporeal + senses." Another he who says, The earth was invisible and without form, + and darkness was upon the deep; that is, "this all, which is called heaven + and earth, was still a formless and a darksome matter; out of which was to + be made, both that intelligible heaven, otherwhere called the Heaven of + heavens, and the earth, that is, the whole corporeal nature, under which + name is comprised this corporeal heaven also; in a word, out of which + every visible and invisible creature was to be created." Another he who + says, The earth was invisible and without form, and darkness was upon the + deep, "the Scripture did not call that formlessness by the name of heaven + and earth; but that formlessness, saith he, already was, which he called + the earth invisible without form, and darkness upon the deep; of which he + had before said, that God had made heaven and earth, namely, the spiritual + and corporeal creature." Another he who says, The earth was invisible and + without form, and darkness was upon the deep; that is, "there already was + a certain formless matter, of which the Scripture said before, that God + made heaven and earth; namely, the whole corporeal bulk of the world, + divided into two great parts, upper and lower, with all the common and + known creatures in them." + </p> + <p> + For should any attempt to dispute against these two last opinions, thus, + "If you will not allow, that this formlessness of matter seems to be + called by the name of heaven and earth; Ergo, there was something which + God had not made, out of which to make heaven and earth; for neither hath + Scripture told us, that God made this matter, unless we understand it to + be signified by the name of heaven and earth, or of earth alone, when it + is said, In the Beginning God made the heaven and earth; that so in what + follows, and the earth was invisible and without form (although it pleased + Him so to call the formless matter), we are to understand no other matter, + but that which God made, whereof is written above, God made heaven and + earth." The maintainers of either of those two latter opinions will, upon + hearing this, return for answer, "we do not deny this formless matter to + be indeed created by God, that God of Whom are all things, very good; for + as we affirm that to be a greater good, which is created and formed, so we + confess that to be a lesser good which is made capable of creation and + form, yet still good. We say however that Scripture hath not set down, + that God made this formlessness, as also it hath not many others; as the + Cherubim, and Seraphim, and those which the Apostle distinctly speaks of, + Thrones, Dominions, Principalities, Powers. All which that God made, is + most apparent. Or if in that which is said, He made heaven and earth, all + things be comprehended, what shall we say of the waters, upon which the + Spirit of God moved? For if they be comprised in this word earth; how then + can formless matter be meant in that name of earth, when we see the waters + so beautiful? Or if it be so taken; why then is it written, that out of + the same formlessness, the firmament was made, and called heaven; and that + the waters were made, is not written? For the waters remain not formless + and invisible, seeing we behold them flowing in so comely a manner. But if + they then received that beauty, when God said, Let the waters under the + firmament be gathered together, that so the gathering together be itself + the forming of them; what will be said as to those waters above the + firmament? Seeing neither if formless would they have been worthy of so + honourable a seat, nor is it written, by what word they were formed. If + then Genesis is silent as to God's making of any thing, which yet that God + did make neither sound faith nor well-grounded understanding doubteth, nor + again will any sober teaching dare to affirm these waters to be coeternal + with God, on the ground that we find them to be mentioned in the hook of + Genesis, but when they were created, we do not find; why (seeing truth + teaches us) should we not understand that formless matter (which this + Scripture calls the earth invisible and without form, and darksome deep) + to have been created of God out of nothing, and therefore not to be + coeternal to Him; notwithstanding this history hath omitted to show when + it was created?" + </p> + <p> + These things then being heard and perceived, according to the weakness of + my capacity (which I confess unto Thee, O Lord, that knowest it), two + sorts of disagreements I see may arise, when a thing is in words related + by true reporters; one, concerning the truth of the things, the other, + concerning the meaning of the relater. For we enquire one way about the + making of the creature, what is true; another way, what Moses, that + excellent minister of Thy Faith, would have his reader and hearer + understand by those words. For the first sort, away with all those who + imagine themselves to know as a truth, what is false; and for this other, + away with all them too, which imagine Moses to have written things that be + false. But let me be united in Thee, O Lord, with those and delight myself + in Thee, with them that feed on Thy truth, in the largeness of charity, + and let us approach together unto the words of Thy book, and seek in them + for Thy meaning, through the meaning of Thy servant, by whose pen Thou + hast dispensed them. + </p> + <p> + But which of us shall, among those so many truths, which occur to + enquirers in those words, as they are differently understood, so discover + that one meaning, as to affirm, "this Moses thought," and "this would he + have understood in that history"; with the same confidence as he would, + "this is true," whether Moses thought this or that? For behold, O my God, + I Thy servant, who have in this book vowed a sacrifice of confession unto + Thee, and pray, that by Thy mercy I may pay my vows unto Thee, can I, with + the same confidence wherewith I affirm, that in Thy incommutable world + Thou createdst all things visible and invisible, affirm also, that Moses + meant no other than this, when he wrote, In the Beginning God made heaven + and earth? No. Because I see not in his mind, that he thought of this when + he wrote these things, as I do see it in Thy truth to be certain. For he + might have his thoughts upon God's commencement of creating, when he said + In the beginning; and by heaven and earth, in this place he might intend + no formed and perfected nature whether spiritual or corporeal, but both of + them inchoate and as yet formless. For I perceive, that whichsoever of the + two had been said, it might have been truly said; but which of the two he + thought of in these words, I do not so perceive. Although, whether it were + either of these, or any sense beside (that I have not here mentioned), + which this so great man saw in his mind, when he uttered these words, I + doubt not but that he saw it truly, and expressed it aptly. + </p> + <p> + Let no man harass me then, by saying, Moses thought not as you say, but as + I say: for if he should ask me, "How know you that Moses thought that + which you infer out of his words?" I ought to take it in good part, and + would answer perchance as I have above, or something more at large, if he + were unyielding. But when he saith, "Moses meant not what you say, but + what I say," yet denieth not that what each of us say, may both be true, O + my God, life of the poor, in Whose bosom is no contradiction, pour down a + softening dew into my heart, that I may patiently bear with such as say + this to me, not because they have a divine Spirit, and have seen in the + heart of Thy servant what they speak, but because they be proud; not + knowing Moses' opinion, but loving their own, not because it is truth, but + because it is theirs. Otherwise they would equally love another true + opinion, as I love what they say, when they say true: not because it is + theirs, but because it is true; and on that very ground not theirs because + it is true. But if they therefore love it, because it is true, then is it + both theirs, and mine; as being in common to all lovers of truth. But + whereas they contend that Moses did not mean what I say, but what they + say, this I like not, love not: for though it were so, yet that their + rashness belongs not to knowledge, but to overboldness, and not insight + but vanity was its parent. And therefore, O Lord, are Thy judgements + terrible; seeing Thy truth is neither mine, nor his, nor another's; but + belonging to us all, whom Thou callest publicly to partake of it, warning + us terribly, not to account it private to ourselves, lest we be deprived + of it. For whosoever challenges that as proper to himself, which Thou + propoundest to all to enjoy, and would have that his own which belongs to + all, is driven from what is in common to his own; that is, from truth, to + a lie. For he that speaketh a lie, speaketh it of his own. + </p> + <p> + Hearken, O God, Thou best judge; Truth Itself, hearken to what I shall say + to this gainsayer, hearken, for before Thee do I speak, and before my + brethren, who employ Thy law lawfully, to the end of charity: hearken and + behold, if it please Thee, what I shall say to him. For this brotherly and + peaceful word do I return unto Him: "If we both see that to be true that + Thou sayest, and both see that to be true that I say, where, I pray Thee, + do we see it? Neither I in thee, nor thou in me; but both in the + unchangeable Truth itself, which is above our souls." Seeing then we + strive not about the very light of the Lord God, why strive we about the + thoughts of our neighbour which we cannot so see, as the unchangeable + Truth is seen: for that, if Moses himself had appeared to us and said, + "This I meant"; neither so should we see it, but should believe it. Let us + not then be puffed up for one against another, above that which is + written: let us love the Lord our God with all our heart, with all our + soul, and with all our mind: and our neighbour as ourself. With a view to + which two precepts of charity, unless we believe that Moses meant, + whatsoever in those books he did mean, we shall make God a liar, imagining + otherwise of our fellow servant's mind, than he hath taught us. Behold + now, how foolish it is, in such abundance of most true meanings, as may be + extracted out of those words, rashly to affirm, which of them Moses + principally meant; and with pernicious contentions to offend charity + itself, for whose sake he spake every thing, whose words we go about to + expound. + </p> + <p> + And yet I, O my God, Thou lifter up of my humility, and rest of my labour, + Who hearest my confessions, and forgivest my sins: seeing Thou commandest + me to love my neighbour as myself, I cannot believe that Thou gavest a + less gift unto Moses Thy faithful servant, than I would wish or desire + Thee to have given me, had I been born in the time he was, and hadst Thou + set me in that office, that by the service of my heart and tongue those + books might be dispensed, which for so long after were to profit all + nations, and through the whole world from such an eminence of authority, + were to surmount all sayings of false and proud teachings. I should have + desired verily, had I then been Moses (for we all come from the same lump, + and what is man, saving that Thou art mindful of him?), I would then, had + I been then what he was, and been enjoined by Thee to write the book of + Genesis, have desired such a power of expression and such a style to be + given me, that neither they who cannot yet understand how God created, + might reject the sayings, as beyond their capacity; and they who had + attained thereto, might find what true opinion soever they had by thought + arrived at, not passed over in those few words of that Thy servant: and + should another man by the light of truth have discovered another, neither + should that fail of being discoverable in those same words. + </p> + <p> + For as a fountain within a narrow compass, is more plentiful, and supplies + a tide for more streams over larger spaces, than any one of those streams, + which, after a wide interval, is derived from the same fountain; so the + relation of that dispenser of Thine, which was to benefit many who were to + discourse thereon, does out of a narrow scantling of language, overflow + into streams of clearest truth, whence every man may draw out for himself + such truth as he can upon these subjects, one, one truth, another, + another, by larger circumlocutions of discourse. For some, when they read, + or hear these words, conceive that God like a man or some mass endued with + unbounded power, by some new and sudden resolution, did, exterior to + itself, as it were at a certain distance, create heaven and earth, two + great bodies above and below, wherein all things were to be contained. And + when they hear, God said, Let it be made, and it was made; they conceive + of words begun and ended, sounding in time, and passing away; after whose + departure, that came into being, which was commanded so to do; and + whatever of the like sort, men's acquaintance with the material world + would suggest. In whom, being yet little ones and carnal, while their + weakness is by this humble kind of speech, carried on, as in a mother's + bosom, their faith is wholesomely built up, whereby they hold assured, + that God made all natures, which in admirable variety their eye beholdeth + around. Which words, if any despising, as too simple, with a proud + weakness, shall stretch himself beyond the guardian nest; he will, alas, + fall miserably. Have pity, O Lord God, lest they who go by the way trample + on the unfledged bird, and send Thine angel to replace it into the nest, + that it may live, till it can fly. + </p> + <p> + But others, unto whom these words are no longer a nest, but deep shady + fruit-bowers, see the fruits concealed therein, fly joyously around, and + with cheerful notes seek out, and pluck them. For reading or hearing these + words, they see that all times past and to come, are surpassed by Thy + eternal and stable abiding; and yet that there is no creature formed in + time, not of Thy making. Whose will, because it is the same that Thou art, + Thou madest all things, not by any change of will, nor by a will, which + before was not, and that these things were not out of Thyself, in Thine + own likeness, which is the form of all things; but out of nothing, a + formless unlikeness, which should be formed by Thy likeness (recurring to + Thy Unity, according to their appointed capacity, so far as is given to + each thing in his kind), and might all be made very good; whether they + abide around Thee, or being in gradation removed in time and place, made + or undergo the beautiful variations of the Universe. These things they + see, and rejoice, in the little degree they here may, in the light of Thy + truth. + </p> + <p> + Another bends his mind on that which is said, In the Beginning God made + heaven and earth; and beholdeth therein Wisdom, the Beginning because It + also speaketh unto us. Another likewise bends his mind on the same words, + and by Beginning understands the commencement of things created; In the + beginning He made, as if it were said, He at first made. And among them + that understand In the Beginning to mean, "In Thy Wisdom Thou createdst + heaven and earth," one believes the matter out of which the heaven and + earth were to be created, to be there called heaven and earth; another, + natures already formed and distinguished; another, one formed nature, and + that a spiritual, under the name Heaven, the other formless, a corporeal + matter, under the name Earth. They again who by the names heaven and + earth, understand matter as yet formless, out of which heaven and earth + were to be formed, neither do they understand it in one way; but the one, + that matter out of which both the intelligible and the sensible creature + were to be perfected; another, that only, out of which this sensible + corporeal mass was to be made, containing in its vast bosom these visible + and ordinary natures. Neither do they, who believe the creatures already + ordered and arranged, to be in this place called heaven and earth, + understand the same; but the one, both the invisible and visible, the + other, the visible only, in which we behold this lightsome heaven, and + darksome earth, with the things in them contained. + </p> + <p> + But he that no otherwise understands In the Beginning He made, than if it + were said, At first He made, can only truly understand heaven and earth of + the matter of heaven and earth, that is, of the universal intelligible and + corporeal creation. For if he would understand thereby the universe, as + already formed, it may be rightly demanded of him, "If God made this + first, what made He afterwards?" and after the universe, he will find + nothing; whereupon must he against his will hear another question; "How + did God make this first, if nothing after?" But when he says, God made + matter first formless, then formed, there is no absurdity, if he be but + qualified to discern, what precedes by eternity, what by time, what by + choice, and what in original. By eternity, as God is before all things; by + time, as the flower before the fruit; by choice, as the fruit before the + flower; by original, as the sound before the tune. Of these four, the + first and last mentioned, are with extreme difficulty understood, the two + middle, easily. For a rare and too lofty a vision is it, to behold Thy + Eternity, O Lord, unchangeably making things changeable; and thereby + before them. And who, again, is of so sharp-sighted understanding, as to + be able without great pains to discern, how the sound is therefore before + the tune; because a tune is a formed sound; and a thing not formed, may + exist; whereas that which existeth not, cannot be formed. Thus is the + matter before the thing made; not because it maketh it, seeing itself is + rather made; nor is it before by interval of time; for we do not first in + time utter formless sounds without singing, and subsequently adapt or + fashion them into the form of a chant, as wood or silver, whereof a chest + or vessel is fashioned. For such materials do by time also precede the + forms of the things made of them, but in singing it is not so; for when it + is sung, its sound is heard; for there is not first a formless sound, + which is afterwards formed into a chant. For each sound, so soon as made, + passeth away, nor canst thou find ought to recall and by art to compose. + So then the chant is concentrated in its sound, which sound of his is his + matter. And this indeed is formed, that it may be a tune; and therefore + (as I said) the matter of the sound is before the form of the tune; not + before, through any power it hath to make it a tune; for a sound is no way + the workmaster of the tune; but is something corporeal, subjected to the + soul which singeth, whereof to make a tune. Nor is it first in time; for + it is given forth together with the tune; nor first in choice, for a sound + is not better than a tune, a tune being not only a sound, but a beautiful + sound. But it is first in original, because a tune receives not form to + become a sound, but a sound receives a form to become a tune. By this + example, let him that is able, understand how the matter of things was + first made, and called heaven and earth, because heaven and earth were + made out of it. Yet was it not made first in time; because the forms of + things give rise to time; but that was without form, but now is, in time, + an object of sense together with its form. And yet nothing can be related + of that matter, but as though prior in time, whereas in value it is last + (because things formed are superior to things without form) and is + preceded by the Eternity of the Creator: that so there might be out of + nothing, whereof somewhat might be created. + </p> + <p> + In this diversity of the true opinions, let Truth herself produce concord. + And our God have mercy upon us, that we may use the law lawfully, the end + of the commandment, pure charity. By this if man demands of me, "which of + these was the meaning of Thy servant Moses"; this were not the language of + my Confessions, should I not confess unto Thee, "I know not"; and yet I + know that those senses are true, those carnal ones excepted, of which I + have spoken what seemed necessary. And even those hopeful little ones who + so think, have this benefit, that the words of Thy Book affright them not, + delivering high things lowlily, and with few words a copious meaning. And + all we who, I confess, see and express the truth delivered in those words, + let us love one another, and jointly love Thee our God, the fountain of + truth, if we are athirst for it, and not for vanities; yea, let us so + honour this Thy servant, the dispenser of this Scripture, full of Thy + Spirit, as to believe that, when by Thy revelation he wrote these things, + he intended that, which among them chiefly excels both for light of truth, + and fruitfulness of profit. + </p> + <p> + So when one says, "Moses meant as I do"; and another, "Nay, but as I do," + I suppose that I speak more reverently, "Why not rather as both, if both + be true?" And if there be a third, or a fourth, yea if any other seeth any + other truth in those words, why may not he be believed to have seen all + these, through whom the One God hath tempered the holy Scriptures to the + senses of many, who should see therein things true but divers? For I + certainly (and fearlessly I speak it from my heart), that were I to indite + any thing to have supreme authority, I should prefer so to write, that + whatever truth any could apprehend on those matters, might be conveyed in + my words, rather than set down my own meaning so clearly as to exclude the + rest, which not being false, could not offend me. I will not therefore, O + my God, be so rash, as not to believe, that Thou vouchsafedst as much to + that great man. He without doubt, when he wrote those words, perceived and + thought on what truth soever we have been able to find, yea and whatsoever + we have not been able, nor yet are, but which may be found in them. + </p> + <p> + Lastly, O Lord, who art God and not flesh and blood, if man did see less, + could any thing be concealed from Thy good Spirit (who shall lead me into + the land of uprightness), which Thou Thyself by those words wert about to + reveal to readers in times to come, though he through whom they were + spoken, perhaps among many true meanings, thought on some one? which if so + it be, let that which he thought on be of all the highest. But to us, O + Lord, do Thou, either reveal that same, or any other true one which Thou + pleasest; that so, whether Thou discoverest the same to us, as to that Thy + servant, or some other by occasion of those words, yet Thou mayest feed + us, not error deceive us. Behold, O Lord my God, how much we have written + upon a few words, how much I beseech Thee! What strength of ours, yea what + ages would suffice for all Thy books in this manner? Permit me then in + these more briefly to confess unto Thee, and to choose some one true, + certain, and good sense that Thou shalt inspire me, although many should + occur, where many may occur; this being the law my confession, that if I + should say that which Thy minister intended, that is right and best; for + this should I endeavour, which if I should not attain, yet I should say + that, which Thy Truth willed by his words to tell me, which revealed also + unto him, what It willed. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"></a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOOK XIII + </h2> + <p> + I call upon Thee, O my God, my mercy, Who createdst me, and forgottest not + me, forgetting Thee. I call Thee into my soul which, by the longing + Thyself inspirest into her, Thou preparest for Thee. Forsake me not now + calling upon Thee, whom Thou preventedst before I called, and urgedst me + with much variety of repeated calls, that I would hear Thee from afar, and + be converted, and call upon Thee, that calledst after me; for Thou, Lord, + blottedst out all my evil deservings, so as not to repay into my hands, + wherewith I fell from Thee; and Thou hast prevented all my well + deservings, so as to repay the work of Thy hands wherewith Thou madest me; + because before I was, Thou wert; nor was I any thing, to which Thou + mightest grant to be; and yet behold, I am, out of Thy goodness, + preventing all this which Thou hast made me, and whereof Thou hast made + me. For neither hadst Thou need of me, nor am I any such good, as to be + helpful unto Thee, my Lord and God; not in serving Thee, as though Thou + wouldest tire in working; or lest Thy power might be less, if lacking my + service: nor cultivating Thy service, as a land, that must remain + uncultivated, unless I cultivated Thee: but serving and worshipping Thee, + that I might receive a well-being from Thee, from whom it comes, that I + have a being capable of well-being. + </p> + <p> + For of the fulness of Thy goodness, doth Thy creature subsist, that so a + good, which could no ways profit Thee, nor was of Thee (lest so it should + be equal to Thee), might yet be since it could be made of Thee. For what + did heaven and earth, which Thou madest in the Beginning, deserve of Thee? + Let those spiritual and corporeal natures which Thou madest in Thy Wisdom, + say wherein they deserved of Thee, to depend thereon (even in that their + several inchoate and formless state, whether spiritual or corporeal, ready + to fall away into an immoderate liberty and far-distant unlikeliness unto + Thee;—the spiritual, though without form, superior to the corporeal + though formed, and the corporeal though without form, better than were it + altogether nothing), and so to depend upon Thy Word, as formless, unless + by the same Word they were brought back to Thy Unity, indued with form and + from Thee the One Sovereign Good were made all very good. How did they + deserve of Thee, to be even without form, since they had not been even + this, but from Thee? + </p> + <p> + How did corporeal matter deserve of Thee, to be even invisible and without + form? seeing it were not even this, but that Thou madest it, and therefore + because it was not, could not deserve of Thee to be made. Or how could the + inchoate spiritual creature deserve of Thee, even to ebb and flow + darksomely like the deep,—unlike Thee, unless it had been by the + same Word turned to that, by Whom it was created, and by Him so + enlightened, become light; though not equally, yet conformably to that + Form which is equal unto Thee? For as in a body, to be, is not one with + being beautiful, else could it not be deformed; so likewise to a created + spirit to live, is not one with living wisely; else should it be wise + unchangeably. But good it is for it always to hold fast to Thee; lest what + light it hath obtained by turning to Thee, it lose by turning from Thee, + and relapse into life resembling the darksome deep. For we ourselves also, + who as to the soul are a spiritual creature, turned away from Thee our + light, were in that life sometimes darkness; and still labour amidst the + relics of our darkness, until in Thy Only One we become Thy righteousness, + like the mountains of God. For we have been Thy judgments, which are like + the great deep. + </p> + <p> + That which Thou saidst in the beginning of the creation, Let there be + light, and there was light; I do, not unsuitably, understand of the + spiritual creature: because there was already a sort of life, which Thou + mightest illuminate. But as it had no claim on Thee for a life, which + could be enlightened, so neither now that it was, had it any, to be + enlightened. For neither could its formless estate be pleasing unto Thee, + unless it became light, and that not by existing simply, but by beholding + the illuminating light, and cleaving to it; so that, that it lived, and + lived happily, it owes to nothing but Thy grace, being turned by a better + change unto That which cannot be changed into worse or better; which Thou + alone art, because Thou alone simply art; unto Thee it being not one thing + to live, another to live blessedly, seeing Thyself art Thine own + Blessedness. + </p> + <p> + What then could be wanting unto Thy good, which Thou Thyself art, although + these things had either never been, or remained without form; which thou + madest, not out of any want, but out of the fulness of Thy goodness, + restraining them and converting them to form, not as though Thy joy were + fulfilled by them? For to Thee being perfect, is their imperfection + displeasing, and hence were they perfected by Thee, and please Thee; not + as wert Thou imperfect, and by their perfecting wert also to be perfected. + For Thy good Spirit indeed was borne over the waters, not borne up by + them, as if He rested upon them. For those, on whom Thy good Spirit is + said to rest, He causes to rest in Himself. But Thy incorruptible and + unchangeable will, in itself all-sufficient for itself, was borne upon + that life which Thou hadst created; to which, living is not one with happy + living, seeing it liveth also, ebbing and flowing in its own darkness: for + which it remaineth to be converted unto Him, by Whom it was made, and to + live more and more by the fountain of life, and in His light to see light, + and to be perfected, and enlightened, and beautified. + </p> + <p> + Lo, now the Trinity appears unto me in a glass darkly, which is Thou my + God, because Thou, O Father, in Him Who is the Beginning of our wisdom, + Which is Thy Wisdom, born of Thyself, equal unto Thee and coeternal, that + is, in Thy Son, createdst heaven and earth. Much now have we said of the + Heaven of heavens, and of the earth invisible and without form, and of the + darksome deep, in reference to the wandering instability of its spiritual + deformity, unless it had been converted unto Him, from Whom it had its + then degree of life, and by His enlightening became a beauteous life, and + the heaven of that heaven, which was afterwards set between water and + water. And under the name of God, I now held the Father, who made these + things, and under the name of Beginning, the Son, in whom He made these + things; and believing, as I did, my God as the Trinity, I searched further + in His holy words, and lo, Thy Spirit moved upon the waters. Behold the + Trinity, my God, Father, and Son, and Holy Ghost, Creator of all creation. + </p> + <p> + But what was the cause, O true-speaking Light?—unto Thee lift I up + my heart, let it not teach me vanities, dispel its darkness; and tell me, + I beseech Thee, by our mother charity, tell me the reason, I beseech Thee, + why after the mention of heaven, and of the earth invisible and without + form, and darkness upon the deep, Thy Scripture should then at length + mention Thy Spirit? Was it because it was meet that the knowledge of Him + should be conveyed, as being "borne above"; and this could not be said, + unless that were first mentioned, over which Thy Spirit may be understood + to have been borne. For neither was He borne above the Father, nor the + Son, nor could He rightly be said to be borne above, if He were borne over + nothing. First then was that to be spoken of, over which He might be + borne; and then He, whom it was meet not otherwise to be spoken of than as + being borne. But wherefore was it not meet that the knowledge of Him + should be conveyed otherwise, than as being borne above? + </p> + <p> + Hence let him that is able, follow with his understanding Thy Apostle, + where he thus speaks, Because Thy love is shed abroad in our hearts by the + Holy Ghost which is given unto us: and where concerning spiritual gifts, + he teacheth and showeth unto us a more excellent way of charity; and where + he bows his knee unto Thee for us, that we may know the supereminent + knowledge of the love of Christ. And therefore from the beginning, was He + borne supereminent above the waters. To whom shall I speak this? how speak + of the weight of evil desires, downwards to the steep abyss; and how + charity raises up again by Thy Spirit which was borne above the waters? to + whom shall I speak it? how speak it? For it is not in space that we are + merged and emerge. What can be more, and yet what less like? They be + affections, they be loves; the uncleanness of our spirit flowing away + downwards with the love of cares, and the holiness of Thine raising us + upward by love of unanxious repose; that we may lift our hearts unto Thee, + where Thy Spirit is borne above the waters; and come to that supereminent + repose, when our soul shall have passed through the waters which yield no + support. + </p> + <p> + Angels fell away, man's soul fell away, and thereby pointed the abyss in + that dark depth, ready for the whole spiritual creation, hadst not Thou + said from the beginning, Let there be light, and there had been light, and + every obedient intelligence of Thy heavenly City had cleaved to Thee, and + rested in Thy Spirit, Which is borne unchangeably over every thing + changeable. Otherwise, had even the heaven of heavens been in itself a + darksome deep; but now it is light in the Lord. For even in that miserable + restlessness of the spirits, who fell away and discovered their own + darkness, when bared of the clothing of Thy light, dost Thou sufficiently + reveal how noble Thou madest the reasonable creature; to which nothing + will suffice to yield a happy rest, less than Thee; and so not even + herself. For Thou, O our God, shalt lighten our darkness: from Thee riseth + our garment of light; and then shall our darkness be as the noon day. Give + Thyself unto me, O my God, restore Thyself unto me: behold I love, and if + it be too little, I would love more strongly. I cannot measure so as to + know, how much love there yet lacketh to me, ere my life may run into Thy + embracements, nor turn away, until it be hidden in the hidden place of Thy + Presence. This only I know, that woe is me except in Thee: not only + without but within myself also; and all abundance, which is not my God, is + emptiness to me. + </p> + <p> + But was not either the Father, or the Son, borne above the waters? if this + means, in space, like a body, then neither was the Holy Spirit; but if the + unchangeable supereminence of Divinity above all things changeable, then + were both Father, and Son, and Holy Ghost borne upon the waters. Why then + is this said of Thy Spirit only, why is it said only of Him? As if He had + been in place, Who is not in place, of Whom only it is written, that He is + Thy gift? In Thy Gift we rest; there we enjoy Thee. Our rest is our place. + Love lifts us up thither, and Thy good Spirit lifts up our lowliness from + the gates of death. In Thy good pleasure is our peace. The body by its own + weight strives towards its own place. Weight makes not downward only, but + to his own place. Fire tends upward, a stone downward. They are urged by + their own weight, they seek their own places. Oil poured below water, is + raised above the water; water poured upon oil, sinks below the oil. They + are urged by their own weights to seek their own places. When out of their + order, they are restless; restored to order, they are at rest. My weight, + is my love; thereby am I borne, whithersoever I am borne. We are inflamed, + by Thy Gift we are kindled; and are carried upwards; we glow inwardly, and + go forwards. We ascend Thy ways that be in our heart, and sing a song of + degrees; we glow inwardly with Thy fire, with Thy good fire, and we go; + because we go upwards to the peace of Jerusalem: for gladdened was I in + those who said unto me, We will go up to the house of the Lord. There hath + Thy good pleasure placed us, that we may desire nothing else, but to abide + there for ever. + </p> + <p> + Blessed creature, which being itself other than Thou, has known no other + condition, than that, so soon as it was made, it was, without any + interval, by Thy Gift, Which is borne above every thing changeable, borne + aloft by that calling whereby Thou saidst, Let there be light, and there + was light. Whereas in us this took place at different times, in that we + were darkness, and are made light: but of that is only said, what it would + have been, had it not been enlightened. And, this is so spoken, as if it + had been unsettled and darksome before; that so the cause whereby it was + made otherwise, might appear, namely, that being turned to the Light + unfailing it became light. Whoso can, let him understand this; let him ask + of Thee. Why should he trouble me, as if I could enlighten any man that + cometh into this world? + </p> + <p> + Which of us comprehendeth the Almighty Trinity? and yet which speaks not + of It, if indeed it be It? Rare is the soul, which while it speaks of It, + knows what it speaks of. And they contend and strive, yet, without peace, + no man sees that vision. I would that men would consider these three, that + are in themselves. These three be indeed far other than the Trinity: I do + but tell, where they may practise themselves, and there prove and feel how + far they be. Now the three I spake of are, To Be, to Know, and to Will. + For I Am, and Know, and Will: I Am Knowing and Willing: and I Know myself + to Be, and to Will: and I Will to Be, and to Know. In these three then, + let him discern that can, how inseparable a life there is, yea one life, + mind, and one essence, yea lastly how inseparable a distinction there is, + and yet a distinction. Surely a man hath it before him; let him look into + himself, and see, and tell me. But when he discovers and can say any thing + of these, let him not therefore think that he has found that which is + above these Unchangeable, which Is unchangeably, and Knows unchangeably, + and Wills unchangeably; and whether because of these three, there is in + God also a Trinity, or whether all three be in Each, so that the three + belong to Each; or whether both ways at once, wondrously, simply and yet + manifoldly, Itself a bound unto Itself within Itself, yet unbounded; + whereby It is, and is Known unto Itself and sufficeth to itself, + unchangeably the Self-same, by the abundant greatness of its Unity,—who + can readily conceive this? who could any ways express it? who would, any + way, pronounce thereon rashly? + </p> + <p> + Proceed in thy confession, say to the Lord thy God, O my faith, Holy, + Holy, Holy, O Lord my God, in Thy Name have we been baptised, Father, Son, + and Holy Ghost; in Thy Name do we baptise, Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, + because among us also, in His Christ did God make heaven and earth, + namely, the spiritual and carnal people of His Church. Yea and our earth, + before it received the form of doctrine, was invisible and without form; + and we were covered with the darkness of ignorance. For Thou chastenedst + man for iniquity, and Thy judgments were like the great deep unto him. But + because Thy Spirit was borne above the waters, Thy mercy forsook not our + misery, and Thou saidst, Let there be light, Repent ye, for the kingdom of + heaven is at hand. Repent ye, let there be light. And because our soul was + troubled within us, we remembered Thee, O Lord, from the land of Jordan, + and that mountain equal unto Thyself, but little for our sakes: and our + darkness displeased us, we turned unto Thee and there was light. And, + behold, we were sometimes darkness, but now light in the Lord. + </p> + <p> + But as yet by faith and not by sight, for by hope we are saved; but hope + that is seen, is not hope. As yet doth deep call unto deep, but now in the + voice of Thy water-spouts. As yet doth he that saith, I could not speak + unto you as unto spiritual, but as unto carnal, even he as yet, doth not + think himself to have apprehended, and forgetteth those things which are + behind, and reacheth forth to those which are before, and groaneth being + burthened, and his soul thirsteth after the Living God, as the hart after + the water-brooks, and saith, When shall I come? desiring to be clothed + upon with his house which is from heaven, and calleth upon this lower + deep, saying, Be not conformed to this world, but be ye transformed by the + renewing of your mind. And, be not children in understanding, but in + malice, be ye children, that in understanding ye may be perfect; and O + foolish Galatians, who hath bewitched you? But now no longer in his own + voice; but in Thine who sentest Thy Spirit from above; through Him who + ascended up on high, and set open the flood-gates of His gifts, that the + force of His streams might make glad the city of God. Him doth this friend + of the Bridegroom sigh after, having now the first-fruits of the Spirit + laid up with Him, yet still groaning within himself, waiting for the + adoption, to wit, the redemption of his body; to Him he sighs, a member of + the Bride; for Him he is jealous, as being a friend of the Bridegroom; for + Him he is jealous, not for himself; because in the voice of Thy + water-spouts, not in his own voice, doth he call to that other depth, over + whom being jealous he feareth, lest as the serpent beguiled Eve through + his subtilty, so their minds should be corrupted from the purity that is + in our Bridegroom Thy only Son. O what a light of beauty will that be, + when we shall see Him as He is, and those tears be passed away, which have + been my meat day and night, whilst they daily say unto me, Where is now + Thy God? + </p> + <p> + Behold, I too say, O my God, Where art Thou? see, where Thou art! in Thee + I breathe a little, when I pour out my soul by myself in the voice of joy + and praise, the sound of him that keeps holy-day. And yet again it is sad, + because it relapseth, and becomes a deep, or rather perceives itself still + to be a deep. Unto it speaks my faith which Thou hast kindled to enlighten + my feet in the night, Why art thou sad, O my soul, and why dost thou + trouble me? Hope in the Lord; His word is a lanthorn unto thy feet: hope + and endure, until the night, the mother of the wicked, until the wrath of + the Lord, be overpast, whereof we also were once children, who were + sometimes darkness, relics whereof we bear about us in our body, dead + because of sin; until the day break, and the shadows fly away. Hope thou + in the Lord; in the morning I shall stand in Thy presence, and contemplate + Thee: I shall for ever confess unto Thee. In the morning I shall stand in + Thy presence, and shall see the health of my countenance, my God, who also + shall quicken our mortal bodies, by the Spirit that dwelleth in us, + because He hath in mercy been borne over our inner darksome and floating + deep: from Whom we have in this pilgrimage received an earnest, that we + should now be light: whilst we are saved by hope, and are the children of + light, and the children of the day, not the children of the night, nor of + the darkness, which yet sometimes we were. Betwixt whom and us, in this + uncertainty of human knowledge, Thou only dividest; Thou, who provest our + hearts, and callest the light, day, and the darkness, night. For who + discerneth us, but Thou? And what have we, that we have not received of + Thee? out of the same lump vessels are made unto honour, whereof others + also are made unto dishonour. + </p> + <p> + Or who, except Thou, our God, made for us that firmament of authority over + us in Thy Divine Scripture? as it is said, For heaven shall be folded up + like a scroll; and now is it stretched over us like a skin. For Thy Divine + Scripture is of more eminent authority, since those mortals by whom Thou + dispensest it unto us, underwent mortality. And Thou knowest, Lord, Thou + knowest, how Thou with skins didst clothe men, when they by sin became + mortal. Whence Thou hast like a skin stretched out the firmament of Thy + book, that is, Thy harmonizing words, which by the ministry of mortal men + Thou spreadest over us. For by their very death was that solid firmament + of authority, in Thy discourses set forth by them, more eminently extended + over all that be under it; which whilst they lived here, was not so + eminently extended. Thou hadst not as yet spread abroad the heaven like a + skin; Thou hadst not as yet enlarged in all directions the glory of their + deaths. + </p> + <p> + Let us look, O Lord, upon the heavens, the work of Thy fingers; clear from + our eyes that cloud, which Thou hast spread under them. There is Thy + testimony, which giveth wisdom unto the little ones: perfect, O my God, + Thy praise out of the mouth of babes and sucklings. For we know no other + books, which so destroy pride, which so destroy the enemy and the + defender, who resisteth Thy reconciliation by defending his own sins. I + know not, Lord, I know not any other such pure words, which so persuade me + to confess, and make my neck pliant to Thy yoke, and invite me to serve + Thee for nought. Let me understand them, good Father: grant this to me, + who am placed under them: because for those placed under them, hast Thou + established them. + </p> + <p> + Other waters there be above this firmament, I believe immortal, and + separated from earthly corruption. Let them praise Thy Name, let them + praise Thee, the supercelestial people, Thine angels, who have no need to + gaze up at this firmament, or by reading to know of Thy Word. For they + always behold Thy face, and there read without any syllables in time, what + willeth Thy eternal will; they read, they choose, they love. They are ever + reading; and that never passes away which they read; for by choosing, and + by loving, they read the very unchangeableness of Thy counsel. Their book + is never closed, nor their scroll folded up; seeing Thou Thyself art this + to them, and art eternally; because Thou hast ordained them above this + firmament, which Thou hast firmly settled over the infirmity of the lower + people, where they might gaze up and learn Thy mercy, announcing in time + Thee Who madest times. For Thy mercy, O Lord, is in the heavens, and Thy + truth reacheth unto the clouds. The clouds pass away, but the heaven + abideth. The preachers of Thy word pass out of this life into another; but + Thy Scripture is spread abroad over the people, even unto the end of the + world. Yet heaven and earth also shall pass away, but Thy words shall not + pass away. Because the scroll shall be rolled together: and the grass over + which it was spread, shall with the goodliness of it pass away; but Thy + Word remaineth for ever, which now appeareth unto us under the dark image + of the clouds, and through the glass of the heavens, not as it is: because + we also, though the well-beloved of Thy Son, yet it hath not yet appeared + what we shall be. He looketh through the lattice of our flesh, and He + spake us tenderly, and kindled us, and we ran after His odours. But when + He shall appear, then shall we be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is. + As He is, Lord, will our sight be. + </p> + <p> + For altogether, as Thou art, Thou only knowest; Who art unchangeably, and + knowest unchangeably, and willest unchangeably. And Thy Essence Knoweth, + and Willeth unchangeably; and Thy Knowledge Is, and Willeth unchangeably; + and Thy Will Is, and Knoweth unchangeably. Nor seemeth it right in Thine + eyes, that as the Unchangeable Light knoweth Itself, so should it be known + by the thing enlightened, and changeable. Therefore is my soul like a land + where no water is, because as it cannot of itself enlighten itself, so can + it not of itself satisfy itself. For so is the fountain of life with Thee, + like as in Thy light we shall see light. + </p> + <p> + Who gathered the embittered together into one society? For they have all + one end, a temporal and earthly felicity, for attaining whereof they do + all things, though they waver up and down with an innumerable variety of + cares. Who, Lord, but Thou, saidst, Let the waters be gathered together + into one place, and let the dry land appear, which thirsteth after Thee? + For the sea also is Thine, and Thou hast made it, and Thy hands prepared + the dry land. Nor is the bitterness of men's wills, but the gathering + together of the waters, called sea; for Thou restrainest the wicked + desires of men's souls, and settest them their bounds, how far they may be + allowed to pass, that their waves may break one against another: and thus + makest Thou it a sea, by the order of Thy dominion over all things. + </p> + <p> + But the souls that thirst after Thee, and that appear before Thee (being + by other bounds divided from the society of the sea), Thou waterest by a + sweet spring, that the earth may bring forth her fruit, and Thou, Lord + God, so commanding, our soul may bud forth works of mercy according to + their kind, loving our neighbour in the relief of his bodily necessities, + having seed in itself according to its likeness, when from feeling of our + infirmity, we compassionate so as to relieve the needy; helping them, as + we would be helped; if we were in like need; not only in things easy, as + in herb yielding seed, but also in the protection of our assistance, with + our best strength, like the tree yielding fruit: that is, well-doing in + rescuing him that suffers wrong, from the hand of the powerful, and giving + him the shelter of protection, by the mighty strength of just judgment. + </p> + <p> + So, Lord, so, I beseech Thee, let there spring up, as Thou doest, as Thou + givest cheerfulness and ability, let truth spring out of the earth, and + righteousness look down from heaven, and let there be lights in the + firmament. Let us break our bread to the hungry, and bring the houseless + poor to our house. Let us clothe the naked, and despise not those of our + own flesh. Which fruits having sprung out of the earth, see it is good: + and let our temporary light break forth; and ourselves, from this lower + fruitfulness of action, arriving at the delightfulness of contemplation, + obtaining the Word of Life above, appear like lights in the world, + cleaving to the firmament of Thy Scripture. For there Thou instructest us, + to divide between the things intellectual, and things of sense, as betwixt + the day and the night; or between souls, given either to things + intellectual, or things of sense, so that now not Thou only in the secret + of Thy judgment, as before the firmament was made, dividest between the + light and the darkness, but Thy spiritual children also set and ranked in + the same firmament (now that Thy grace is laid open throughout the world), + may give light upon the earth, and divide betwixt the day and the night, + and be for signs of times, that old things are passed away, and, behold, + all things are become new; and that our salvation is nearer than when we + believed: and that the night is far spent, and the day is at hand: and + that Thou wilt crown Thy year with blessing, sending the labourers of Thy + goodness into Thy harvest, in sowing whereof, others have laboured, + sending also into another field, whose harvest shall be in the end. Thus + grantest Thou the prayers of him that asketh, and blessest the years of + the just; but Thou art the same, and in Thy years which fail not, Thou + preparest a garner for our passing years. For Thou by an eternal counsel + dost in their proper seasons bestow heavenly blessings upon the earth. For + to one is given by the Spirit the word of wisdom, as it were the lesser + light: to another faith; to another the gift with the light of perspicuous + truth, as it were for the rule of the day. To another the word of + knowledge by the same Spirit, as it were the lesser light: to another + faith; to another the gift of healing; to another the working of miracles; + to another prophecy; to another discerning of spirits; to another divers + kinds of tongues. And all these as it were stars. For all these worketh + the one and self-same spirit, dividing to every man his own as He will; + and causing stars to appear manifestly, to profit withal. But the word of + knowledge, wherein are contained all Sacraments, which are varied in their + seasons as it were the moon, and those other notices of gifts, which are + reckoned up in order, as it were stars, inasmuch as they come short of + that brightness of wisdom, which gladdens the forementioned day, are only + for the rule of the night. For they are necessary to such, as that Thy + most prudent servant could not speak unto as unto spiritual, but as unto + carnal; even he, who speaketh wisdom among those that are perfect. But the + natural man, as it were a babe in Christ and fed on milk, until he be + strengthened for solid meat and his eye be enabled to behold the Sun, let + him not dwell in a night forsaken of all light, but be content with the + light of the moon and the stars. So dost Thou speak to us, our All-wise + God, in Thy Book, Thy firmament; that we may discern all things, in an + admirable contemplation; though as yet in signs and in times, and in days, + and in years. + </p> + <p> + But first, wash you, be clean; put away evil from your souls, and from + before mine eyes, that the dry land may appear. Learn to do good, judge + the fatherless, plead for the widow, that the earth may bring forth the + green herb for meat, and the tree bearing fruit; and come, let us reason + together, saith the Lord, that there may be lights in the firmament of the + heaven, and they may shine upon the earth. That rich man asked of the good + Master, what he should do to attain eternal life. Let the good Master tell + him (whom he thought no more than man; but He is good because He is God), + let Him tell him, if he would enter into life, he must keep the + commandments: let him put away from him the bitterness of malice and + wickedness; not kill, not commit adultery, not steal, not bear false + witness; that the dry land may appear, and bring forth the honouring of + father and mother, and the love of our neighbour. All these (saith he) + have I kept. Whence then so many thorns, if the earth be fruitful? Go, + root up the spreading thickets of covetousness; sell that thou hast, and + be filled with fruit, by giving to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure + in heaven; and follow the Lord if thou wilt be perfect, associated with + them, among whom He speaketh wisdom, Who knoweth what to distribute to the + day, and to the night, that thou also mayest know it, and for thee there + may be lights in the firmament of heaven; which will not be, unless thy + heart be there: nor will that either be, unless there thy treasure be; as + thou hast heard of the good Master. But that barren earth was grieved; and + the thorns choked the word. + </p> + <p> + But you, chosen generation, you weak things of the world, who have + forsaken all, that ye may follow the Lord; go after Him, and confound the + mighty; go after Him, ye beautiful feet, and shine ye in the firmament, + that the heavens may declare His glory, dividing between the light of the + perfect, though not as the angels, and the darkness of the little ones, + though not despised. Shine over the earth; and let the day, lightened by + the sun, utter unto day, speech of wisdom; and night, shining with the + moon, show unto night, the word of knowledge. The moon and stars shine for + the night; yet doth not the night obscure them, seeing they give it light + in its degree. For behold God saying, as it were, Let there be lights in + the firmament of heaven; there came suddenly a sound from heaven, as it + had been the rushing of a mighty wind, and there appeared cloven tongues + like as of fire, and it sat upon each of them. And there were made lights + in the firmament of heaven, having the word of life. Run ye to and fro + every where, ye holy fires, ye beauteous fires; for ye are the light of + the world, nor are ye put under a bushel; He whom you cleave unto, is + exalted, and hath exalted you. Run ye to and fro, and be known unto all + nations. + </p> + <p> + Let the sea also conceive and bring forth your works; and let the waters + bring forth the moving creature that hath life. For ye, separating the + precious from the vile, are made the mouth of God, by whom He saith, Let + the waters bring forth, not the living creature which the earth brings + forth, but the moving creature having life, and the fowls that fly above + the earth. For Thy Sacraments, O God, by the ministry of Thy holy ones, + have moved amid the waves of temptations of the world, to hallow the + Gentiles in Thy Name, in Thy Baptism. And amid these things, many great + wonders were wrought, as it were great whales: and the voices of Thy + messengers flying above the earth, in the open firmament of Thy Book; that + being set over them, as their authority under which they were to fly, + whithersoever they went. For there is no speech nor language, where their + voice is not heard: seeing their sound is gone through all the earth, and + their words to the end of the world, because Thou, Lord, multipliedst them + by blessing. + </p> + <p> + Speak I untruly, or do I mingle and confound, and not distinguish between + the lucid knowledge of these things in the firmament of heaven, and the + material works in the wavy sea, and under the firmament of heaven? For of + those things whereof the knowledge is substantial and defined, without any + increase by generation, as it were lights of wisdom and knowledge, yet + even of them, the material operations are many and divers; and one thing + growing out of another, they are multiplied by Thy blessing, O God, who + hast refreshed the fastidiousness of mortal senses; that so one thing in + the understanding of our mind, may, by the motions of the body, be many + ways set out, and expressed. These Sacraments have the waters brought + forth; but in Thy word. The necessities of the people estranged from the + eternity of Thy truth, have brought them forth, but in Thy Gospel; because + the waters themselves cast them forth, the diseased bitterness whereof was + the cause, why they were sent forth in Thy Word. + </p> + <p> + Now are all things fair that Thou hast made; but behold, Thyself art + unutterably fairer, that madest all; from whom had not Adam fallen, the + brackishness of the sea had never flowed out of him, that is, the human + race so profoundly curious, and tempestuously swelling, and restlessly + tumbling up and down; and then had there been no need of Thy dispensers to + work in many waters, after a corporeal and sensible manner, mysterious + doings and sayings. For such those moving and flying creatures now seem to + me to mean, whereby people being initiated and consecrated by corporeal + Sacraments, should not further profit, unless their soul had a spiritual + life, and unless after the word of admission, it looked forwards to + perfection. + </p> + <p> + And hereby, in Thy Word, not the deepness of the sea, but the earth + separated from the bitterness of the waters, brings forth, not the moving + creature that hath life, but the living soul. For now hath it no more need + of baptism, as the heathen have, and as itself had, when it was covered + with the waters; (for no other entrance is there into the kingdom of + heaven, since Thou hast appointed that this should be the entrance): nor + does it seek after wonderfulness of miracles to work belief; for it is not + such, that unless it sees signs and wonders, it will not believe, now that + the faithful earth is separated from the waters that were bitter with + infidelity; and tongues are for a sign, not to them that believe, but to + them that believe not. Neither then does that earth which Thou hast + founded upon the waters, need that flying kind, which at Thy word the + waters brought forth. Send Thou Thy word into it by Thy messengers: for we + speak of their working, yet it is Thou that workest in them that they may + work out a living soul in it. The earth brings it forth, because the earth + is the cause that they work this in the soul; as the sea was the cause + that they wrought upon the moving creatures that have life, and the fowls + that fly under the firmament of heaven, of whom the earth hath no need; + although it feeds upon that fish which was taken out of the deep, upon + that table which Thou hast prepared in the presence of them that believe. + For therefore was He taken out of the deep, that He might feed the dry + land; and the fowl, though bred in the sea, is yet multiplied upon the + earth. For of the first preachings of the Evangelists, man's infidelity + was the cause; yet are the faithful also exhorted and blessed by them + manifoldly, from day to day. But the living soul takes his beginning from + the earth: for it profits only those already among the Faithful, to + contain themselves from the love of this world, that so their soul may + live unto Thee, which was dead while it lived in pleasures; in + death-bringing pleasures, Lord, for Thou, Lord, art the life-giving + delight of the pure heart. + </p> + <p> + Now then let Thy ministers work upon the earth,—not as upon the + waters of infidelity, by preaching and speaking by miracles, and + Sacraments, and mystic words; wherein ignorance, the mother of admiration, + might be intent upon them, out of a reverence towards those secret signs. + For such is the entrance unto the Faith for the sons of Adam forgetful of + Thee, while they hide themselves from Thy face, and become a darksome + deep. But—let Thy ministers work now as on the dry land, separated + from the whirlpools of the great deep: and let them be a pattern unto the + Faithful, by living before them, and stirring them up to imitation. For + thus do men hear, so as not to hear only, but to do also. Seek the Lord, + and your soul shall live, that the earth may bring forth the living soul. + Be not conformed to the world. Contain yourselves from it: the soul lives + by avoiding what it dies by affecting. Contain yourselves from the + ungoverned wildness of pride, the sluggish voluptuousness of luxury, and + the false name of knowledge: that so the wild beasts may be tamed, the + cattle broken to the yoke, the serpents, harmless. For these be the + motions of our mind under an allegory; that is to say, the haughtiness of + pride, the delight of lust, and the poison of curiosity, are the motions + of a dead soul; for the soul dies not so as to lose all motion; because it + dies by forsaking the fountain of life, and so is taken up by this + transitory world, and is conformed unto it. + </p> + <p> + But Thy word, O God, is the fountain of life eternal; and passeth not + away: wherefore this departure of the soul is restrained by Thy word, when + it is said unto us, Be not conformed unto this world; that so the earth + may in the fountain of life bring forth a living soul; that is, a soul + made continent in Thy Word, by Thy Evangelists, by following the followers + of Thy Christ. For this is after his kind; because a man is wont to + imitate his friend. Be ye (saith he) as I am, for I also am as you are. + Thus in this living soul shall there be good beasts, in meekness of action + (for Thou hast commanded, Go on with thy business in meekness, so shalt + thou be beloved by all men); and good cattle, which neither if they eat, + shall they over-abound, nor, if they eat not, have any lack; and good + serpents, not dangerous, to do hurt, but wise to take heed; and only + making so much search into this temporal nature, as may suffice that + eternity be clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made. + For these creatures are obedient unto reason, when being restrained from + deadly prevailing upon us, they live, and are good. + </p> + <p> + For behold, O Lord, our God, our Creator, when our affections have been + restrained from the love of the world, by which we died through + evil-living; and begun to be a living soul, through good living; and Thy + word which Thou spokest by Thy apostle, is made good in us, Be not + conformed to this world: there follows that also, which Thou presently + subjoinedst, saying, But be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind; + not now after your kind, as though following your neighbour who went + before you, nor as living after the example of some better man (for Thou + saidst not, "Let man be made after his kind," but, Let us make man after + our own image and similitude), that we might prove what Thy will is. For + to this purpose said that dispenser of Thine (who begat children by the + Gospel), that he might not for ever have them babes, whom he must be fain + to feed with milk, and cherish as a nurse; be ye transformed (saith he) by + the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good and + acceptable and perfect will of God. Wherefore Thou sayest not, "Let man be + made," but Let us make man. Nor saidst Thou, "according to his kind"; but, + after our image and likeness. For man being renewed in his mind, and + beholding and understanding Thy truth, needs not man as his director, so + as to follow after his kind; but by Thy direction proveth what is that + good, that acceptable, and perfect will of Thine: yea, Thou teachest him, + now made capable, to discern the Trinity of the Unity, and the Unity of + the Trinity. Wherefore to that said in the plural, Let us make man, is yet + subjoined in the singular, And God made man: and to that said in the + plural, After our likeness, is subjoined in the singular, After the image + of God. Thus is man renewed in the knowledge of God, after the image of + Him that created him: and being made spiritual, he judgeth all things (all + things which are to be judged), yet himself is judged of no man. + </p> + <p> + But that he judgeth all things, this answers to his having dominion over + the fish of the sea, and over the fowls of the air, and over all cattle + and wild beasts, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing + that creepeth upon the earth. For this he doth by the understanding of his + mind, whereby he perceiveth the things of the Spirit of God; whereas + otherwise, man being placed in honour, had no understanding, and is + compared unto the brute beasts, and is become like unto them. In Thy + Church therefore, O our God, according to Thy grace which Thou hast + bestowed upon it (for we are Thy workmanship created unto good works), not + those only who are spiritually set over, but they also who spiritually are + subject to those that are set over them,—for in this way didst Thou + make man male and female, in Thy grace spiritual, where, according to the + sex of body, there is neither male nor female, because neither Jew nor + Grecian, neither bond nor free.—Spiritual persons (whether such as + are set over, or such as obey); do judge spiritually; not of that + spiritual knowledge which shines in the firmament (for they ought not to + judge as to so supreme authority), nor may they judge of Thy Book itself, + even though something there shineth not clearly; for we submit our + understanding unto it, and hold for certain, that even what is closed to + our sight, is yet rightly and truly spoken. For so man, though now + spiritual and renewed in the knowledge of God after His image that created + him, ought to be a doer of the law, not a judge. Neither doth he judge of + that distinction of spiritual and carnal men, who are known unto Thine + eyes, O our God, and have not as yet discovered themselves unto us by + works, that by their fruits we might know them: but Thou, Lord, dost even + now know them, and hast divided and called them in secret, or ever the + firmament was made. Nor doth he, though spiritual, judge the unquiet + people of this world; for what hath he to do, to judge them that are + without, knowing not which of them shall hereafter come into the sweetness + of Thy grace; and which continue in the perpetual bitterness of + ungodliness? + </p> + <p> + Man therefore, whom Thou hast made after Thine own image, received not + dominion over the lights of heaven, nor over that hidden heaven itself, + nor over the day and the night, which Thou calledst before the foundation + of the heaven, nor over the gathering together of the waters, which is the + sea; but He received dominion over the fishes of the sea, and the fowls of + the air, and over all cattle, and over all the earth, and over all + creeping things which creep upon the earth. For He judgeth and approveth + what He findeth right, and He disalloweth what He findeth amiss, whether + in the celebration of those Sacraments by which such are initiated, as Thy + mercy searches out in many waters: or in that, in which that Fish is set + forth, which, taken out of the deep, the devout earth feedeth upon: or in + the expressions and signs of words, subject to the authority of Thy Book,—such + signs, as proceed out of the mouth, and sound forth, flying as it were + under the firmament, by interpreting, expounding, discoursing disputing, + consecrating, or praying unto Thee, so that the people may answer, Amen. + The vocal pronouncing of all which words, is occasioned by the deep of + this world, and the blindness of the flesh, which cannot see thoughts; So + that there is need to speak aloud into the ears; so that, although flying + fowls be multiplied upon the earth, yet they derive their beginning from + the waters. The spiritual man judgeth also by allowing of what is right, + and disallowing what he finds amiss, in the works and lives of the + faithful; their alms, as it were the earth bringing forth fruit, and of + the living soul, living by the taming of the affections, in chastity, in + fasting, in holy meditations; and of those things, which are perceived by + the senses of the body. Upon all these is he now said to judge, wherein he + hath also power of correction. + </p> + <p> + But what is this, and what kind of mystery? Behold, Thou blessest mankind, + O Lord, that they may increase and multiply, and replenish the earth; dost + Thou not thereby give us a hint to understand something? why didst Thou + not as well bless the light, which Thou calledst day; nor the firmament of + heaven, nor the lights, nor the stars, nor the earth, nor the sea? I might + say that Thou, O God, who created us after Thine Image, I might + say, that it had been Thy good pleasure to bestow this blessing peculiarly + upon man; hadst Thou not in like manner blessed the fishes and the whales, + that they should increase and multiply, and replenish the waters of the + sea, and that the fowls should be multiplied upon the earth. I might say + likewise, that this blessing pertained properly unto such creatures, as + are bred of their own kind, had I found it given to the fruit-trees, and + plants, and beasts of the earth. But now neither unto the herbs, nor the + trees, nor the beasts, nor serpents is it said, Increase and multiply; + notwithstanding all these as well as the fishes, fowls, or men, do by + generation increase and continue their kind. + </p> + <p> + What then shall I say, O Truth my Light? "that it was idly said, and + without meaning?" Not so, O Father of piety, far be it from a minister of + Thy word to say so. And if I understand not what Thou meanest by that + phrase, let my betters, that is, those of more understanding than myself, + make better use of it, according as Thou, my God, hast given to each man + to understand. But let my confession also be pleasing in Thine eyes, + wherein I confess unto Thee, that I believe, O Lord, that Thou spokest not + so in vain; nor will I suppress, what this lesson suggests to me. For it + is true, nor do I see what should hinder me from thus understanding the + figurative sayings of Thy Bible. For I know a thing to be manifoldly + signified by corporeal expressions, which is understood one way by the + mind; and that understood many ways in the mind, which is signified one + way by corporeal expression. Behold, the single love of God and our + neighbour, by what manifold sacraments, and innumerable languages, and in + each several language, in how innumerable modes of speaking, it is + corporeally expressed. Thus do the offspring of the waters increase and + multiply. Observe again, whosoever readest this; behold, what Scripture + delivers, and the voice pronounces one only way, In the Beginning God + created heaven and earth; is it not understood manifoldly, not through any + deceit of error, but by various kinds of true senses? Thus do man's + offspring increase and multiply. + </p> + <p> + If therefore we conceive of the natures of the things themselves, not + allegorically, but properly, then does the phrase increase and multiply, + agree unto all things, that come of seed. But if we treat of the words as + figuratively spoken (which I rather suppose to be the purpose of the + Scripture, which doth not, surely, superfluously ascribe this benediction + to the offspring of aquatic animals and man only); then do we find + "multitude" to belong to creatures spiritual as well as corporeal, as in + heaven and earth, and to righteous and unrighteous, as in light and + darkness; and to holy authors who have been the ministers of the Law unto + us, as in the firmament which is settled betwixt the waters and the + waters; and to the society of people yet in the bitterness of infidelity, + as in the sea; and to the zeal of holy souls, as in the dry land; and to + works of mercy belonging to this present life, as in the herbs bearing + seed, and in trees bearing fruit; and to spiritual gifts set forth for + edification, as in the lights of heaven; and to affections formed unto + temperance, as in the living soul. In all these instances we meet with + multitudes, abundance, and increase; but what shall in such wise increase + and multiply that one thing may be expressed many ways, and one expression + understood many ways; we find not, except in signs corporeally expressed, + and in things mentally conceived. By signs corporeally pronounced we + understand the generations of the waters, necessarily occasioned by the + depth of the flesh; by things mentally conceived, human generations, on + account of the fruitfulness of reason. And for this end do we believe + Thee, Lord, to have said to these kinds, Increase and multiply. For in + this blessing, I conceive Thee to have granted us a power and a faculty, + both to express several ways what we understand but one; and to understand + several ways, what we read to be obscurely delivered but in one. Thus are + the waters of the sea replenished, which are not moved but by several + significations: thus with human increase is the earth also replenished, + whose dryness appeareth in its longing, and reason ruleth over it. + </p> + <p> + I would also say, O Lord my God, what the following Scripture minds me of; + yea, I will say, and not fear. For I will say the truth, Thyself inspiring + me with what Thou willedst me to deliver out of those words. But by no + other inspiration than Thine, do I believe myself to speak truth, seeing + Thou art the Truth, and every man a liar. He therefore that speaketh a + lie, speaketh of his own; that therefore I may speak truth, I will speak + of Thine. Behold, Thou hast given unto us for food every herb bearing seed + which is upon all the earth; and every tree, in which is the fruit of a + tree yielding seed. And not to us alone, but also to all the fowls of the + air, and to the beasts of the earth, and to all creeping things; but unto + the fishes and to the great whales, hast Thou not given them. Now we said + that by these fruits of the earth were signified, and figured in an + allegory, the works of mercy which are provided for the necessities of + this life out of the fruitful earth. Such an earth was the devout + Onesiphorus, unto whose house Thou gavest mercy, because he often + refreshed Thy Paul, and was not ashamed of his chain. Thus did also the + brethren, and such fruit did they bear, who out of Macedonia supplied what + was lacking to him. But how grieved he for some trees, which did not + afford him the fruit due unto him, where he saith, At my first answer no + man stood by me, but all men forsook me. I pray God that it may not be + laid to their charge. For these fruits are due to such as minister the + spiritual doctrine unto us out of their understanding of the divine + mysteries; and they are due to them, as men; yea and due to them also, as + the living soul, which giveth itself as an example, in all continency; and + due unto them also, as flying creatures, for their blessings which are + multiplied upon the earth, because their sound went out into all lands. + </p> + <p> + But they are fed by these fruits, that are delighted with them; nor are + they delighted with them, whose God is their belly. For neither in them + that yield them, are the things yielded the fruit, but with what mind they + yield them. He therefore that served God, and not his own belly, I plainly + see why he rejoiced; I see it, and I rejoice with him. For he had received + from the Philippians, what they had sent by Epaphroditus unto him: and yet + I perceive why he rejoiced. For whereat he rejoiced upon that he fed; for, + speaking in truth, I rejoiced (saith he) greatly in the Lord, that now at + the last your care of me hath flourished again, wherein ye were also + careful, but it had become wearisome unto you. These Philippians then had + now dried up, with a long weariness, and withered as it were as to bearing + this fruit of a good work; and he rejoiceth for them, that they flourished + again, not for himself, that they supplied his wants. Therefore subjoins + he, not that I speak in respect of want, for I have learned in whatsoever + state I am, therewith to be content. I know both how to be abased, and I + know how to abound; every where and in all things I am instructed both to + be full, and to be hungry; both to abound, and to suffer need. I can do + all things through Him which strengtheneth me. + </p> + <p> + Whereat then rejoicest thou, O great Paul? whereat rejoicest thou? whereon + feedest thou, O man, renewed in the knowledge of God, after the image of + Him that created thee, thou living soul, of so much continency, thou + tongue like flying fowls, speaking mysteries? (for to such creatures, is + this food due;) what is it that feeds thee? joy. Hear we what follows: + notwithstanding, ye have well done, that ye did communicate with my + affliction. Hereat he rejoiceth, hereon feedeth; because they had well + done, not because his strait was eased, who saith unto Thee, Thou hast + enlarged me when I was in distress; for that he knew to abound, and to + suffer want, in Thee Who strengthenest him. For ye Philippians also know + (saith he), that in the beginning of the Gospel, when I departed from + Macedonia, no Church communicated with me as concerning giving and + receiving, but ye only. For even in Thessalonica ye sent once and again + unto my necessity. Unto these good works, he now rejoiceth that they are + returned; and is gladdened that they flourished again, as when a fruitful + field resumes its green. + </p> + <p> + Was it for his own necessities, because he said, Ye sent unto my + necessity? Rejoiceth he for that? Verily not for that. But how know we + this? Because himself says immediately, not because I desire a gift, but I + desire fruit. I have learned of Thee, my God, to distinguish betwixt a + gift, and fruit. A gift, is the thing itself which he gives, that imparts + these necessaries unto us; as money, meat, drink, clothing, shelter, help: + but the fruit, is the good and right will of the giver. For the Good + Master said not only, He that receiveth a prophet, but added, in the name + of a prophet: nor did He only say, He that receiveth a righteous man, but + added, in the name of a righteous man. So verily shall the one receive the + reward of a prophet, the other, the reward of a righteous man: nor saith + He only, He that shall give to drink a cup of cold water to one of my + little ones; but added, in the name of a disciple: and so concludeth, + Verily I say unto you, he shall not lose his reward. The gift is, to + receive a prophet, to receive a righteous man, to give a cup of cold water + to a disciple: but the fruit, to do this in the name of a prophet, in the + name of a righteous man, in the name of a disciple. With fruit was Elijah + fed by the widow that knew she fed a man of God, and therefore fed him: + but by the raven was he fed with a gift. Nor was the inner man of Elijah + so fed, but the outer only; which might also for want of that food have + perished. + </p> + <p> + I will then speak what is true in Thy sight, O Lord, that when carnal men + and infidels (for the gaining and initiating whom, the initiatory + Sacraments and the mighty workings of miracles are necessary, which we + suppose to be signified by the name of fishes and whales) undertake the + bodily refreshment, or otherwise succour Thy servant with something useful + for this present life; whereas they be ignorant, why this is to be done, + and to what end; neither do they feed these, nor are these fed by them; + because neither do the one do it out of an holy and right intent; nor do + the other rejoice at their gifts, whose fruit they as yet behold not. For + upon that is the mind fed, of which it is glad. And therefore do not the + fishes and whales feed upon such meats, as the earth brings not forth + until after it was separated and divided from the bitterness of the waves + of the sea. + </p> + <p> + And Thou, O God, sawest every thing that Thou hadst made, and, behold, it + was very good. Yea we also see the same, and behold, all things are very + good. Of the several kinds of Thy works, when Thou hadst said "let them + be," and they were, Thou sawest each that it was good. Seven times have I + counted it to be written, that Thou sawest that that which Thou madest was + good: and this is the eighth, that Thou sawest every thing that Thou hadst + made, and, behold, it was not only good, but also very good, as being now + altogether. For severally, they were only good; but altogether, both good, + and very good. All beautiful bodies express the same; by reason that a + body consisting of members all beautiful, is far more beautiful than the + same members by themselves are, by whose well-ordered blending the whole + is perfected; notwithstanding that the members severally be also + beautiful. + </p> + <p> + And I looked narrowly to find, whether seven, or eight times Thou sawest + that Thy works were good, when they pleased Thee; but in Thy seeing I + found no times, whereby I might understand that Thou sawest so often, what + Thou madest. And I said, "Lord, is not this Thy Scripture true, since Thou + art true, and being Truth, hast set it forth? why then dost Thou say unto + me, 'that in Thy seeing there be no times'; whereas this Thy Scripture + tells me, that what Thou madest each day, Thou sawest that it was good: + and when I counted them, I found how often." Unto this Thou answerest me, + for Thou art my God, and with a strong voice tellest Thy servant in his + inner ear, breaking through my deafness and crying, "O man, that which My + Scripture saith, I say: and yet doth that speak in time; but time has no + relation to My Word; because My Word exists in equal eternity with Myself. + So the things which ye see through My Spirit, I see; like as what ye speak + by My Spirit, I speak. And so when ye see those things in time, I see them + not in time; as when ye speak in time, I speak them not in time." + </p> + <p> + And I heard, O Lord my God, and drank up a drop of sweetness out of Thy + truth, and understood, that certain men there be who mislike Thy works; + and say, that many of them Thou madest, compelled by necessity; such as + the fabric of the heavens, and harmony of the stars; and that Thou madest + them not of what was Thine, but that they were otherwhere and from other + sources created, for Thee to bring together and compact and combine, when + out of Thy conquered enemies Thou raisedst up the walls of the universe; + that they, bound down by the structure, might not again be able to rebel + against Thee. For other things, they say Thou neither madest them, nor + even compactedst them, such as all flesh and all very minute creatures, + and whatsoever hath its root in the earth; but that a mind at enmity with + Thee, and another nature not created by Thee, and contrary unto Thee, did, + in these lower stages of the world, beget and frame these things. Frenzied + are they who say thus, because they see not Thy works by Thy Spirit, nor + recognise Thee in them. + </p> + <p> + But they who by Thy Spirit see these things, Thou seest in them. Therefore + when they see that these things are good, Thou seest that they are good; + and whatsoever things for Thy sake please, Thou pleasest in them, and what + through Thy Spirit please us, they please Thee in us. For what man knoweth + the things of a man, save the spirit of a man, which is in him? even so + the things of God knoweth no one, but the Spirit of God. Now we (saith he) + have received, not the spirit of this world, but the Spirit which is of + God, that we might know the things that are freely given to us of God. And + I am admonished, "Truly the things of God knoweth no one, but the Spirit + of God: how then do we also know, what things are given us of God?" Answer + is made me; "because the things which we know by His Spirit, even these no + one knoweth, but the Spirit of God. For as it is rightly said unto those + that were to speak by the Spirit of God, it is not ye that speak: so is it + rightly said to them that know through the Spirit of God, 'It is not ye + that know.' And no less then is it rightly said to those that see through + the Spirit of God, 'It is not ye that see'; so whatsoever through the + Spirit of God they see to be good, it is not they, but God that sees that + it is good." It is one thing then for a man to think that to be ill which + is good, as the forenamed do; another, that that which is good, a man + should see that it is good (as Thy creatures be pleasing unto many, + because they be good, whom yet Thou pleasest not in them, when they prefer + to enjoy them, to Thee); and another, that when a man sees a thing that it + is good, God should in him see that it is good, so, namely, that He should + be loved in that which He made, Who cannot be loved, but by the Holy Ghost + which He hath given. Because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts + by the Holy Ghost, Which is given unto us: by Whom we see that whatsoever + in any degree is, is good. For from Him it is, who Himself Is not in + degree, but what He Is, Is. + </p> + <p> + Thanks to Thee, O Lord. We behold the heaven and earth, whether the + corporeal part, superior and inferior, or the spiritual and corporeal + creature; and in the adorning of these parts, whereof the universal pile + of the world, or rather the universal creation, doth consist, we see light + made, and divided from the darkness. We see the firmament of heaven, + whether that primary body of the world, between the spiritual upper waters + and the inferior corporeal waters, or (since this also is called heaven) + this space of air through which wander the fowls of heaven, betwixt those + waters which are in vapours borne above them, and in clear nights distill + down in dew; and those heavier waters which flow along the earth. We + behold a face of waters gathered together in the fields of the sea; and + the dry land both void, and formed so as to be visible and harmonized, yea + and the matter of herbs and trees. We behold the lights shining from + above, the sun to suffice for the day, the moon and the stars to cheer the + night; and that by all these, times should be marked and signified. We + behold on all sides a moist element, replenished with fishes, beasts, and + birds; because the grossness of the air, which bears up the flights of + birds, thickeneth itself by the exhalation of the waters. We behold the + face of the earth decked out with earthly creatures, and man, created + after Thy image and likeness, even through that Thy very image and + likeness (that is the power of reason and understanding), set over all + irrational creatures. And as in his soul there is one power which has + dominion by directing, another made subject, that it might obey; so was + there for the man, corporeally also, made a woman, who in the mind of her + reasonable understanding should have a parity of nature, but in the sex of + her body, should be in like manner subject to the sex of her husband, as + the appetite of doing is fain to conceive the skill of right-doing from + the reason of the mind. These things we behold, and they are severally + good, and altogether very good. + </p> + <p> + Let Thy works praise Thee, that we may love Thee; and let us love Thee, + that Thy works may praise Thee, which from time have beginning and ending, + rising and setting, growth and decay, form and privation. They have then + their succession of morning and evening, part secretly, part apparently; + for they were made of nothing, by Thee, not of Thee; not of any matter not + Thine, or that was before, but of matter concreated (that is, at the same + time created by Thee), because to its state without form, Thou without any + interval of time didst give form. For seeing the matter of heaven and + earth is one thing, and the form another, Thou madest the matter of merely + nothing, but the form of the world out of the matter without form: yet + both together, so that the form should follow the matter, without any + interval of delay. + </p> + <p> + We have also examined what Thou willedst to be shadowed forth, whether by + the creation, or the relation of things in such an order. And we have + seen, that things singly are good, and together very good, in Thy Word, in + Thy Only-Begotten, both heaven and earth, the Head and the body of the + Church, in Thy predestination before all times, without morning and + evening. But when Thou begannest to execute in time the things + predestinated, to the end Thou mightest reveal hidden things, and rectify + our disorders; for our sins hung over us, and we had sunk into the dark + deep; and Thy good Spirit was borne over us, to help us in due season; and + Thou didst justify the ungodly, and dividest them from the wicked; and + Thou madest the firmament of authority of Thy Book between those placed + above, who were to be docile unto Thee, and those under, who were to be + subject to them: and Thou gatheredst together the society of unbelievers + into one conspiracy, that the zeal of the faithful might appear, and they + might bring forth works of mercy, even distributing to the poor their + earthly riches, to obtain heavenly. And after this didst Thou kindle + certain lights in the firmament, Thy Holy ones, having the word of life; + and shining with an eminent authority set on high through spiritual gifts; + after that again, for the initiation of the unbelieving Gentiles, didst + Thou out of corporeal matter produce the Sacraments, and visible miracles, + and forms of words according to the firmament of Thy Book, by which the + faithful should be blessed and multiplied. Next didst Thou form the living + soul of the faithful, through affections well ordered by the vigour of + continency: and after that, the mind subjected to Thee alone and needing + to imitate no human authority, hast Thou renewed after Thy image and + likeness; and didst subject its rational actions to the excellency of the + understanding, as the woman to the man; and to all Offices of Thy + Ministry, necessary for the perfecting of the faithful in this life, Thou + willedst, that for their temporal uses, good things, fruitful to + themselves in time to come, be given by the same faithful. All these we + see, and they are very good, because Thou seest them in us, Who hast given + unto us Thy Spirit, by which we might see them, and in them love Thee. + </p> + <p> + O Lord God, give peace unto us: (for Thou hast given us all things;) the + peace of rest, the peace of the Sabbath, which hath no evening. For all + this most goodly array of things very good, having finished their courses, + is to pass away, for in them there was morning and evening. + </p> + <p> + But the seventh day hath no evening, nor hath it setting; because Thou + hast sanctified it to an everlasting continuance; that that which Thou + didst after Thy works which were very good, resting the seventh day, + although Thou madest them in unbroken rest, that may the voice of Thy Book + announce beforehand unto us, that we also after our works (therefore very + good, because Thou hast given them us), shall rest in Thee also in the + Sabbath of eternal life. + </p> + <p> + For then shalt Thou rest in us, as now Thou workest in us; and so shall + that be Thy rest through us, as these are Thy works through us. But Thou, + Lord, ever workest, and art ever at rest. Nor dost Thou see in time, nor + art moved in time, nor restest in a time; and yet Thou makest things seen + in time, yea the times themselves, and the rest which results from time. + </p> + <p> + We therefore see these things which Thou madest, because they are: but + they are, because Thou seest them. And we see without, that they are, and + within, that they are good, but Thou sawest them there, when made, where + Thou sawest them, yet to be made. And we were at a later time moved to do + well, after our hearts had conceived of Thy Spirit; but in the former time + we were moved to do evil, forsaking Thee; but Thou, the One, the Good God, + didst never cease doing good. And we also have some good works, of Thy + gift, but not eternal; after them we trust to rest in Thy great hallowing. + But Thou, being the Good which needeth no good, art ever at rest, because + Thy rest is Thou Thyself. And what man can teach man to understand this? + or what Angel, an Angel? or what Angel, a man? Let it be asked of Thee, + sought in Thee, knocked for at Thee; so, so shall it be received, so shall + it be found, so shall it be opened. Amen. + </p> + <h4> + GRATIAS TIBI DOMINE + </h4> + +<div style='display:block; margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CONFESSIONS OF SAINT AUGUSTINE ***</div> +<div style='text-align:left'> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will +be renamed. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United +States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. 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Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a68d37b --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #3296 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/3296) diff --git a/old/3296.txt b/old/3296.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f9e4215 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/3296.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9738 @@ +Project Gutenberg's The Confessions of Saint Augustine, by Saint Augustine + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Confessions of Saint Augustine + +Author: Saint Augustine + +Translator: E. B. Pusey (Edward Bouverie) + + +Release Date: June, 2002 [EBook #3296] +[The actual date this file first posted = 03/19/01] +Last Updated: May 16, 2013 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CONFESSIONS OF SAINT AUGUSTINE *** + + + + +Produced by Robert S. Munday + + + + + + + + +THE CONFESSIONS OF SAINT AUGUSTINE + +By Saint Augustine + +Bishop of Hippo + +Translated by E. B. Pusey (Edward Bouverie) + + +AD 401 + + + + +BOOK I + + +Great art Thou, O Lord, and greatly to be praised; great is Thy power, +and Thy wisdom infinite. And Thee would man praise; man, but a particle +of Thy creation; man, that bears about him his mortality, the witness of +his sin, the witness that Thou resistest the proud: yet would man praise +Thee; he, but a particle of Thy creation. Thou awakest us to delight in +Thy praise; for Thou madest us for Thyself, and our heart is restless, +until it repose in Thee. Grant me, Lord, to know and understand which is +first, to call on Thee or to praise Thee? and, again, to know Thee or +to call on Thee? for who can call on Thee, not knowing Thee? for he that +knoweth Thee not, may call on Thee as other than Thou art. Or, is it +rather, that we call on Thee that we may know Thee? but how shall they +call on Him in whom they have not believed? or how shall they believe +without a preacher? and they that seek the Lord shall praise Him: for +they that seek shall find Him, and they that find shall praise Him. +I will seek Thee, Lord, by calling on Thee; and will call on Thee, +believing in Thee; for to us hast Thou been preached. My faith, Lord, +shall call on Thee, which Thou hast given me, wherewith Thou hast +inspired me, through the Incarnation of Thy Son, through the ministry of +the Preacher. + +And how shall I call upon my God, my God and Lord, since, when I call +for Him, I shall be calling Him to myself? and what room is there within +me, whither my God can come into me? whither can God come into me, God +who made heaven and earth? is there, indeed, O Lord my God, aught in me +that can contain Thee? do then heaven and earth, which Thou hast made, +and wherein Thou hast made me, contain Thee? or, because nothing which +exists could exist without Thee, doth therefore whatever exists contain +Thee? Since, then, I too exist, why do I seek that Thou shouldest enter +into me, who were not, wert Thou not in me? Why? because I am not gone +down in hell, and yet Thou art there also. For if I go down into hell, +Thou art there. I could not be then, O my God, could not be at all, +wert Thou not in me; or, rather, unless I were in Thee, of whom are all +things, by whom are all things, in whom are all things? Even so, Lord, +even so. Whither do I call Thee, since I am in Thee? or whence canst +Thou enter into me? for whither can I go beyond heaven and earth, that +thence my God should come into me, who hath said, I fill the heaven and +the earth. + +Do the heaven and earth then contain Thee, since Thou fillest them? or +dost Thou fill them and yet overflow, since they do not contain Thee? +And whither, when the heaven and the earth are filled, pourest Thou +forth the remainder of Thyself? or hast Thou no need that aught contain +Thee, who containest all things, since what Thou fillest Thou fillest +by containing it? for the vessels which Thou fillest uphold Thee not, +since, though they were broken, Thou wert not poured out. And when Thou +art poured out on us, Thou art not cast down, but Thou upliftest us; +Thou art not dissipated, but Thou gatherest us. But Thou who fillest +all things, fillest Thou them with Thy whole self? or, since all things +cannot contain Thee wholly, do they contain part of Thee? and all at +once the same part? or each its own part, the greater more, the smaller +less? And is, then one part of Thee greater, another less? or, art Thou +wholly every where, while nothing contains Thee wholly? + +What art Thou then, my God? what, but the Lord God? For who is Lord +but the Lord? or who is God save our God? Most highest, most good, most +potent, most omnipotent; most merciful, yet most just; most hidden, +yet most present; most beautiful, yet most strong, stable, yet +incomprehensible; unchangeable, yet all-changing; never new, never old; +all-renewing, and bringing age upon the proud, and they know it not; +ever working, ever at rest; still gathering, yet nothing lacking; +supporting, filling, and overspreading; creating, nourishing, and +maturing; seeking, yet having all things. Thou lovest, without passion; +art jealous, without anxiety; repentest, yet grievest not; art angry, +yet serene; changest Thy works, Thy purpose unchanged; receivest again +what Thou findest, yet didst never lose; never in need, yet rejoicing +in gains; never covetous, yet exacting usury. Thou receivest over and +above, that Thou mayest owe; and who hath aught that is not Thine? Thou +payest debts, owing nothing; remittest debts, losing nothing. And what +had I now said, my God, my life, my holy joy? or what saith any man when +he speaks of Thee? Yet woe to him that speaketh not, since mute are even +the most eloquent. + +Oh! that I might repose on Thee! Oh! that Thou wouldest enter into my +heart, and inebriate it, that I may forget my ills, and embrace Thee, +my sole good! What art Thou to me? In Thy pity, teach me to utter it. +Or what am I to Thee that Thou demandest my love, and, if I give it not, +art wroth with me, and threatenest me with grievous woes? Is it then a +slight woe to love Thee not? Oh! for Thy mercies' sake, tell me, O Lord +my God, what Thou art unto me. Say unto my soul, I am thy salvation. So +speak, that I may hear. Behold, Lord, my heart is before Thee; open Thou +the ears thereof, and say unto my soul, I am thy salvation. After this +voice let me haste, and take hold on Thee. Hide not Thy face from me. +Let me die--lest I die--only let me see Thy face. + +Narrow is the mansion of my soul; enlarge Thou it, that Thou mayest +enter in. It is ruinous; repair Thou it. It has that within which must +offend Thine eyes; I confess and know it. But who shall cleanse it? or +to whom should I cry, save Thee? Lord, cleanse me from my secret faults, +and spare Thy servant from the power of the enemy. I believe, and +therefore do I speak. Lord, Thou knowest. Have I not confessed against +myself my transgressions unto Thee, and Thou, my God, hast forgiven the +iniquity of my heart? I contend not in judgment with Thee, who art the +truth; I fear to deceive myself; lest mine iniquity lie unto itself. +Therefore I contend not in judgment with Thee; for if Thou, Lord, +shouldest mark iniquities, O Lord, who shall abide it? + +Yet suffer me to speak unto Thy mercy, me, dust and ashes. Yet suffer me +to speak, since I speak to Thy mercy, and not to scornful man. Thou too, +perhaps, despisest me, yet wilt Thou return and have compassion upon me. +For what would I say, O Lord my God, but that I know not whence I +came into this dying life (shall I call it?) or living death. Then +immediately did the comforts of Thy compassion take me up, as I heard +(for I remember it not) from the parents of my flesh, out of whose +substance Thou didst sometime fashion me. Thus there received me the +comforts of woman's milk. For neither my mother nor my nurses stored +their own breasts for me; but Thou didst bestow the food of my infancy +through them, according to Thine ordinance, whereby Thou distributest +Thy riches through the hidden springs of all things. Thou also gavest me +to desire no more than Thou gavest; and to my nurses willingly to give +me what Thou gavest them. For they, with a heaven-taught affection, +willingly gave me what they abounded with from Thee. For this my good +from them, was good for them. Nor, indeed, from them was it, but through +them; for from Thee, O God, are all good things, and from my God is all +my health. This I since learned, Thou, through these Thy gifts, within +me and without, proclaiming Thyself unto me. For then I knew but to +suck; to repose in what pleased, and cry at what offended my flesh; +nothing more. + +Afterwards I began to smile; first in sleep, then waking: for so it +was told me of myself, and I believed it; for we see the like in other +infants, though of myself I remember it not. Thus, little by little, I +became conscious where I was; and to have a wish to express my wishes +to those who could content them, and I could not; for the wishes were +within me, and they without; nor could they by any sense of theirs enter +within my spirit. So I flung about at random limbs and voice, making +the few signs I could, and such as I could, like, though in truth very +little like, what I wished. And when I was not presently obeyed (my +wishes being hurtful or unintelligible), then I was indignant with my +elders for not submitting to me, with those owing me no service, for +not serving me; and avenged myself on them by tears. Such have I learnt +infants to be from observing them; and that I was myself such, they, all +unconscious, have shown me better than my nurses who knew it. + +And, lo! my infancy died long since, and I live. But Thou, Lord, who for +ever livest, and in whom nothing dies: for before the foundation of the +worlds, and before all that can be called "before," Thou art, and art +God and Lord of all which Thou hast created: in Thee abide, fixed +for ever, the first causes of all things unabiding; and of all things +changeable, the springs abide in Thee unchangeable: and in Thee live the +eternal reasons of all things unreasoning and temporal. Say, Lord, to +me, Thy suppliant; say, all-pitying, to me, Thy pitiable one; say, did +my infancy succeed another age of mine that died before it? was it +that which I spent within my mother's womb? for of that I have heard +somewhat, and have myself seen women with child? and what before that +life again, O God my joy, was I any where or any body? For this have I +none to tell me, neither father nor mother, nor experience of others, +nor mine own memory. Dost Thou mock me for asking this, and bid me +praise Thee and acknowledge Thee, for that I do know? + +I acknowledge Thee, Lord of heaven and earth, and praise Thee for my +first rudiments of being, and my infancy, whereof I remember nothing; +for Thou hast appointed that man should from others guess much as to +himself; and believe much on the strength of weak females. Even then I +had being and life, and (at my infancy's close) I could seek for signs +whereby to make known to others my sensations. Whence could such a being +be, save from Thee, Lord? Shall any be his own artificer? or can there +elsewhere be derived any vein, which may stream essence and life into +us, save from thee, O Lord, in whom essence and life are one? for Thou +Thyself art supremely Essence and Life. For Thou art most high, and art +not changed, neither in Thee doth to-day come to a close; yet in Thee +doth it come to a close; because all such things also are in Thee. For +they had no way to pass away, unless Thou upheldest them. And since +Thy years fail not, Thy years are one to-day. How many of ours and +our fathers' years have flowed away through Thy "to-day," and from it +received the measure and the mould of such being as they had; and still +others shall flow away, and so receive the mould of their degree of +being. But Thou art still the same, and all things of tomorrow, and all +beyond, and all of yesterday, and all behind it, Thou hast done to-day. +What is it to me, though any comprehend not this? Let him also rejoice +and say, What thing is this? Let him rejoice even thus! and be content +rather by not discovering to discover Thee, than by discovering not to +discover Thee. + +Hear, O God. Alas, for man's sin! So saith man, and Thou pitiest him; +for Thou madest him, but sin in him Thou madest not. Who remindeth me of +the sins of my infancy? for in Thy sight none is pure from sin, not even +the infant whose life is but a day upon the earth. Who remindeth me? +doth not each little infant, in whom I see what of myself I remember +not? What then was my sin? was it that I hung upon the breast and cried? +for should I now so do for food suitable to my age, justly should I be +laughed at and reproved. What I then did was worthy reproof; but since +I could not understand reproof, custom and reason forbade me to be +reproved. For those habits, when grown, we root out and cast away. Now +no man, though he prunes, wittingly casts away what is good. Or was +it then good, even for a while, to cry for what, if given, would hurt? +bitterly to resent, that persons free, and its own elders, yea, the very +authors of its birth, served it not? that many besides, wiser than it, +obeyed not the nod of its good pleasure? to do its best to strike and +hurt, because commands were not obeyed, which had been obeyed to its +hurt? The weakness then of infant limbs, not its will, is its innocence. +Myself have seen and known even a baby envious; it could not speak, yet +it turned pale and looked bitterly on its foster-brother. Who knows not +this? Mothers and nurses tell you that they allay these things by I know +not what remedies. Is that too innocence, when the fountain of milk +is flowing in rich abundance, not to endure one to share it, though +in extremest need, and whose very life as yet depends thereon? We bear +gently with all this, not as being no or slight evils, but because they +will disappear as years increase; for, though tolerated now, the very +same tempers are utterly intolerable when found in riper years. + +Thou, then, O Lord my God, who gavest life to this my infancy, +furnishing thus with senses (as we see) the frame Thou gavest, +compacting its limbs, ornamenting its proportions, and, for its general +good and safety, implanting in it all vital functions, Thou commandest +me to praise Thee in these things, to confess unto Thee, and sing unto +Thy name, Thou most Highest. For Thou art God, Almighty and Good, even +hadst Thou done nought but only this, which none could do but Thou: +whose Unity is the mould of all things; who out of Thy own fairness +makest all things fair; and orderest all things by Thy law. This age +then, Lord, whereof I have no remembrance, which I take on others' word, +and guess from other infants that I have passed, true though the guess +be, I am yet loth to count in this life of mine which I live in this +world. For no less than that which I spent in my mother's womb, is it +hid from me in the shadows of forgetfulness. But if I was shapen in +iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me, where, I beseech Thee, O +my God, where, Lord, or when, was I Thy servant guiltless? But, lo! that +period I pass by; and what have I now to do with that, of which I can +recall no vestige? + +Passing hence from infancy, I came to boyhood, or rather it came to me, +displacing infancy. Nor did that depart,--(for whither went it?)--and +yet it was no more. For I was no longer a speechless infant, but a +speaking boy. This I remember; and have since observed how I learned to +speak. It was not that my elders taught me words (as, soon after, other +learning) in any set method; but I, longing by cries and broken accents +and various motions of my limbs to express my thoughts, that so I might +have my will, and yet unable to express all I willed, or to whom I +willed, did myself, by the understanding which Thou, my God, gavest me, +practise the sounds in my memory. When they named any thing, and as they +spoke turned towards it, I saw and remembered that they called what they +would point out by the name they uttered. And that they meant this +thing and no other was plain from the motion of their body, the natural +language, as it were, of all nations, expressed by the countenance, +glances of the eye, gestures of the limbs, and tones of the voice, +indicating the affections of the mind, as it pursues, possesses, +rejects, or shuns. And thus by constantly hearing words, as they +occurred in various sentences, I collected gradually for what they +stood; and having broken in my mouth to these signs, I thereby gave +utterance to my will. Thus I exchanged with those about me these current +signs of our wills, and so launched deeper into the stormy intercourse +of human life, yet depending on parental authority and the beck of +elders. + +O God my God, what miseries and mockeries did I now experience, when +obedience to my teachers was proposed to me, as proper in a boy, in +order that in this world I might prosper, and excel in tongue-science, +which should serve to the "praise of men," and to deceitful riches. Next +I was put to school to get learning, in which I (poor wretch) knew not +what use there was; and yet, if idle in learning, I was beaten. For this +was judged right by our forefathers; and many, passing the same course +before us, framed for us weary paths, through which we were fain to +pass; multiplying toil and grief upon the sons of Adam. But, Lord, we +found that men called upon Thee, and we learnt from them to think of +Thee (according to our powers) as of some great One, who, though hidden +from our senses, couldest hear and help us. For so I began, as a boy, to +pray to Thee, my aid and refuge; and broke the fetters of my tongue to +call on Thee, praying Thee, though small, yet with no small earnestness, +that I might not be beaten at school. And when Thou heardest me not (not +thereby giving me over to folly), my elders, yea my very parents, who +yet wished me no ill, mocked my stripes, my then great and grievous ill. + +Is there, Lord, any of soul so great, and cleaving to Thee with so +intense affection (for a sort of stupidity will in a way do it); but +is there any one who, from cleaving devoutly to Thee, is endued with so +great a spirit, that he can think as lightly of the racks and hooks and +other torments (against which, throughout all lands, men call on Thee +with extreme dread), mocking at those by whom they are feared most +bitterly, as our parents mocked the torments which we suffered in +boyhood from our masters? For we feared not our torments less; nor +prayed we less to Thee to escape them. And yet we sinned, in writing or +reading or studying less than was exacted of us. For we wanted not, O +Lord, memory or capacity, whereof Thy will gave enough for our age; but +our sole delight was play; and for this we were punished by those who +yet themselves were doing the like. But elder folks' idleness is called +"business"; that of boys, being really the same, is punished by those +elders; and none commiserates either boys or men. For will any of sound +discretion approve of my being beaten as a boy, because, by playing a +ball, I made less progress in studies which I was to learn, only that, +as a man, I might play more unbeseemingly? and what else did he who beat +me? who, if worsted in some trifling discussion with his fellow-tutor, +was more embittered and jealous than I when beaten at ball by a +play-fellow? + +And yet, I sinned herein, O Lord God, the Creator and Disposer of all +things in nature, of sin the Disposer only, O Lord my God, I sinned in +transgressing the commands of my parents and those of my masters. For +what they, with whatever motive, would have me learn, I might afterwards +have put to good use. For I disobeyed, not from a better choice, but +from love of play, loving the pride of victory in my contests, and to +have my ears tickled with lying fables, that they might itch the more; +the same curiosity flashing from my eyes more and more, for the shows +and games of my elders. Yet those who give these shows are in such +esteem, that almost all wish the same for their children, and yet are +very willing that they should be beaten, if those very games detain them +from the studies, whereby they would have them attain to be the givers +of them. Look with pity, Lord, on these things, and deliver us who call +upon Thee now; deliver those too who call not on Thee yet, that they may +call on Thee, and Thou mayest deliver them. + + As a boy, then, I had already heard of an eternal life, promised +us through the humility of the Lord our God stooping to our pride; and +even from the womb of my mother, who greatly hoped in Thee, I was sealed +with the mark of His cross and salted with His salt. Thou sawest, Lord, +how while yet a boy, being seized on a time with sudden oppression of +the stomach, and like near to death--Thou sawest, my God (for Thou wert +my keeper), with what eagerness and what faith I sought, from the pious +care of my mother and Thy Church, the mother of us all, the baptism of +Thy Christ, my God and Lord. Whereupon the mother of my flesh, being +much troubled (since, with a heart pure in Thy faith, she even more +lovingly travailed in birth of my salvation), would in eager haste +have provided for my consecration and cleansing by the health-giving +sacraments, confessing Thee, Lord Jesus, for the remission of sins, +unless I had suddenly recovered. And so, as if I must needs be +again polluted should I live, my cleansing was deferred, because the +defilements of sin would, after that washing, bring greater and more +perilous guilt. I then already believed: and my mother, and the whole +household, except my father: yet did not he prevail over the power of my +mother's piety in me, that as he did not yet believe, so neither +should I. For it was her earnest care that Thou my God, rather than he, +shouldest be my father; and in this Thou didst aid her to prevail over +her husband, whom she, the better, obeyed, therein also obeying Thee, +who hast so commanded. + + I beseech Thee, my God, I would fain know, if so Thou willest, for +what purpose my baptism was then deferred? was it for my good that the +rein was laid loose, as it were, upon me, for me to sin? or was it not +laid loose? If not, why does it still echo in our ears on all sides, +"Let him alone, let him do as he will, for he is not yet baptised?" but +as to bodily health, no one says, "Let him be worse wounded, for he is +not yet healed." How much better then, had I been at once healed; and +then, by my friends' and my own, my soul's recovered health had been +kept safe in Thy keeping who gavest it. Better truly. But how many and +great waves of temptation seemed to hang over me after my boyhood! These +my mother foresaw; and preferred to expose to them the clay whence I +might afterwards be moulded, than the very cast, when made. + + In boyhood itself, however (so much less dreaded for me than youth), +I loved not study, and hated to be forced to it. Yet I was forced; and +this was well done towards me, but I did not well; for, unless forced, I +had not learnt. But no one doth well against his will, even though what +he doth, be well. Yet neither did they well who forced me, but what was +well came to me from Thee, my God. For they were regardless how I should +employ what they forced me to learn, except to satiate the insatiate +desires of a wealthy beggary, and a shameful glory. But Thou, by whom +the very hairs of our head are numbered, didst use for my good the error +of all who urged me to learn; and my own, who would not learn, Thou +didst use for my punishment--a fit penalty for one, so small a boy and +so great a sinner. So by those who did not well, Thou didst well for me; +and by my own sin Thou didst justly punish me. For Thou hast commanded, +and so it is, that every inordinate affection should be its own +punishment. + +But why did I so much hate the Greek, which I studied as a boy? I do not +yet fully know. For the Latin I loved; not what my first masters, but +what the so-called grammarians taught me. For those first lessons, +reading, writing and arithmetic, I thought as great a burden and penalty +as any Greek. And yet whence was this too, but from the sin and vanity +of this life, because I was flesh, and a breath that passeth away and +cometh not again? For those first lessons were better certainly, because +more certain; by them I obtained, and still retain, the power of reading +what I find written, and myself writing what I will; whereas in the +others, I was forced to learn the wanderings of one Aeneas, forgetful of +my own, and to weep for dead Dido, because she killed herself for love; +the while, with dry eyes, I endured my miserable self dying among these +things, far from Thee, O God my life. + +For what more miserable than a miserable being who commiserates not +himself; weeping the death of Dido for love to Aeneas, but weeping not +his own death for want of love to Thee, O God. Thou light of my heart, +Thou bread of my inmost soul, Thou Power who givest vigour to my mind, +who quickenest my thoughts, I loved Thee not. I committed fornication +against Thee, and all around me thus fornicating there echoed "Well +done! well done!" for the friendship of this world is fornication +against Thee; and "Well done! well done!" echoes on till one is ashamed +not to be thus a man. And for all this I wept not, I who wept for Dido +slain, and "seeking by the sword a stroke and wound extreme," myself +seeking the while a worse extreme, the extremest and lowest of Thy +creatures, having forsaken Thee, earth passing into the earth. And +if forbid to read all this, I was grieved that I might not read what +grieved me. Madness like this is thought a higher and a richer learning, +than that by which I learned to read and write. + +But now, my God, cry Thou aloud in my soul; and let Thy truth tell me, +"Not so, not so. Far better was that first study." For, lo, I would +readily forget the wanderings of Aeneas and all the rest, rather than +how to read and write. But over the entrance of the Grammar School is a +vail drawn! true; yet is this not so much an emblem of aught recondite, +as a cloak of error. Let not those, whom I no longer fear, cry out +against me, while I confess to Thee, my God, whatever my soul will, and +acquiesce in the condemnation of my evil ways, that I may love Thy +good ways. Let not either buyers or sellers of grammar-learning cry out +against me. For if I question them whether it be true that Aeneas came +on a time to Carthage, as the poet tells, the less learned will reply +that they know not, the more learned that he never did. But should I ask +with what letters the name "Aeneas" is written, every one who has +learnt this will answer me aright, as to the signs which men have +conventionally settled. If, again, I should ask which might be forgotten +with least detriment to the concerns of life, reading and writing or +these poetic fictions? who does not foresee what all must answer who +have not wholly forgotten themselves? I sinned, then, when as a boy I +preferred those empty to those more profitable studies, or rather loved +the one and hated the other. "One and one, two"; "two and two, four"; +this was to me a hateful singsong: "the wooden horse lined with +armed men," and "the burning of Troy," and "Creusa's shade and sad +similitude," were the choice spectacle of my vanity. + +Why then did I hate the Greek classics, which have the like tales? For +Homer also curiously wove the like fictions, and is most sweetly vain, +yet was he bitter to my boyish taste. And so I suppose would Virgil +be to Grecian children, when forced to learn him as I was Homer. +Difficulty, in truth, the difficulty of a foreign tongue, dashed, as it +were, with gall all the sweetness of Grecian fable. For not one word of +it did I understand, and to make me understand I was urged vehemently +with cruel threats and punishments. Time was also (as an infant) I +knew no Latin; but this I learned without fear or suffering, by mere +observation, amid the caresses of my nursery and jests of friends, +smiling and sportively encouraging me. This I learned without any +pressure of punishment to urge me on, for my heart urged me to give +birth to its conceptions, which I could only do by learning words not of +those who taught, but of those who talked with me; in whose ears also I +gave birth to the thoughts, whatever I conceived. No doubt, then, that +a free curiosity has more force in our learning these things, than a +frightful enforcement. Only this enforcement restrains the rovings of +that freedom, through Thy laws, O my God, Thy laws, from the master's +cane to the martyr's trials, being able to temper for us a wholesome +bitter, recalling us to Thyself from that deadly pleasure which lures us +from Thee. + +Hear, Lord, my prayer; let not my soul faint under Thy discipline, nor +let me faint in confessing unto Thee all Thy mercies, whereby Thou +hast drawn me out of all my most evil ways, that Thou mightest become a +delight to me above all the allurements which I once pursued; that I may +most entirely love Thee, and clasp Thy hand with all my affections, and +Thou mayest yet rescue me from every temptation, even unto the end. For +lo, O Lord, my King and my God, for Thy service be whatever useful +thing my childhood learned; for Thy service, that I speak, write, read, +reckon. For Thou didst grant me Thy discipline, while I was learning +vanities; and my sin of delighting in those vanities Thou hast forgiven. +In them, indeed, I learnt many a useful word, but these may as well be +learned in things not vain; and that is the safe path for the steps of +youth. + +But woe is thee, thou torrent of human custom! Who shall stand against +thee? how long shalt thou not be dried up? how long roll the sons of Eve +into that huge and hideous ocean, which even they scarcely overpass who +climb the cross? Did not I read in thee of Jove the thunderer and the +adulterer? both, doubtless, he could not be; but so the feigned thunder +might countenance and pander to real adultery. And now which of our +gowned masters lends a sober ear to one who from their own school cries +out, "These were Homer's fictions, transferring things human to the +gods; would he had brought down things divine to us!" Yet more truly had +he said, "These are indeed his fictions; but attributing a divine nature +to wicked men, that crimes might be no longer crimes, and whoso commits +them might seem to imitate not abandoned men, but the celestial gods." + +And yet, thou hellish torrent, into thee are cast the sons of men with +rich rewards, for compassing such learning; and a great solemnity is +made of it, when this is going on in the forum, within sight of laws +appointing a salary beside the scholar's payments; and thou lashest +thy rocks and roarest, "Hence words are learnt; hence eloquence; most +necessary to gain your ends, or maintain opinions." As if we should have +never known such words as "golden shower," "lap," "beguile," "temples +of the heavens," or others in that passage, unless Terence had brought +a lewd youth upon the stage, setting up Jupiter as his example of +seduction. + + "Viewing a picture, where the tale was drawn, + Of Jove's descending in a golden shower + To Danae's lap a woman to beguile." + +And then mark how he excites himself to lust as by celestial authority: + + "And what God? Great Jove, + Who shakes heaven's highest temples with his thunder, + + And I, poor mortal man, not do the same! + I did it, and with all my heart I did it." + +Not one whit more easily are the words learnt for all this vileness; +but by their means the vileness is committed with less shame. Not that +I blame the words, being, as it were, choice and precious vessels; but +that wine of error which is drunk to us in them by intoxicated teachers; +and if we, too, drink not, we are beaten, and have no sober judge to +whom we may appeal. Yet, O my God (in whose presence I now without hurt +may remember this), all this unhappily I learnt willingly with great +delight, and for this was pronounced a hopeful boy. + +Bear with me, my God, while I say somewhat of my wit, Thy gift, and on +what dotages I wasted it. For a task was set me, troublesome enough to +my soul, upon terms of praise or shame, and fear of stripes, to speak +the words of Juno, as she raged and mourned that she could not + + "This Trojan prince from Latinum turn." + +Which words I had heard that Juno never uttered; but we were forced to +go astray in the footsteps of these poetic fictions, and to say in prose +much what he expressed in verse. And his speaking was most applauded, in +whom the passions of rage and grief were most preeminent, and clothed +in the most fitting language, maintaining the dignity of the character. +What is it to me, O my true life, my God, that my declamation was +applauded above so many of my own age and class? is not all this smoke +and wind? and was there nothing else whereon to exercise my wit and +tongue? Thy praises, Lord, Thy praises might have stayed the yet tender +shoot of my heart by the prop of Thy Scriptures; so had it not trailed +away amid these empty trifles, a defiled prey for the fowls of the air. +For in more ways than one do men sacrifice to the rebellious angels. + +But what marvel that I was thus carried away to vanities, and went out +from Thy presence, O my God, when men were set before me as models, who, +if in relating some action of theirs, in itself not ill, they committed +some barbarism or solecism, being censured, were abashed; but when +in rich and adorned and well-ordered discourse they related their own +disordered life, being bepraised, they gloried? These things Thou seest, +Lord, and holdest Thy peace; long-suffering, and plenteous in mercy and +truth. Wilt Thou hold Thy peace for ever? and even now Thou drawest out +of this horrible gulf the soul that seeketh Thee, that thirsteth for +Thy pleasures, whose heart saith unto Thee, I have sought Thy face; Thy +face, Lord, will I seek. For darkened affections is removal from Thee. +For it is not by our feet, or change of place, that men leave Thee, or +return unto Thee. Or did that Thy younger son look out for horses or +chariots, or ships, fly with visible wings, or journey by the motion of +his limbs, that he might in a far country waste in riotous living all +Thou gavest at his departure? a loving Father, when Thou gavest, and +more loving unto him, when he returned empty. So then in lustful, that +is, in darkened affections, is the true distance from Thy face. + +Behold, O Lord God, yea, behold patiently as Thou art wont how carefully +the sons of men observe the covenanted rules of letters and syllables +received from those who spake before them, neglecting the eternal +covenant of everlasting salvation received from Thee. Insomuch, that +a teacher or learner of the hereditary laws of pronunciation will more +offend men by speaking without the aspirate, of a "uman being," in +despite of the laws of grammar, than if he, a "human being," hate a +"human being" in despite of Thine. As if any enemy could be more hurtful +than the hatred with which he is incensed against him; or could wound +more deeply him whom he persecutes, than he wounds his own soul by his +enmity. Assuredly no science of letters can be so innate as the record +of conscience, "that he is doing to another what from another he would +be loth to suffer." How deep are Thy ways, O God, Thou only great, +that sittest silent on high and by an unwearied law dispensing penal +blindness to lawless desires. In quest of the fame of eloquence, a man +standing before a human judge, surrounded by a human throng, declaiming +against his enemy with fiercest hatred, will take heed most watchfully, +lest, by an error of the tongue, he murder the word "human being"; but +takes no heed, lest, through the fury of his spirit, he murder the real +human being. + +This was the world at whose gate unhappy I lay in my boyhood; this +the stage where I had feared more to commit a barbarism, than having +committed one, to envy those who had not. These things I speak and +confess to Thee, my God; for which I had praise from them, whom I then +thought it all virtue to please. For I saw not the abyss of vileness, +wherein I was cast away from Thine eyes. Before them what more foul than +I was already, displeasing even such as myself? with innumerable lies +deceiving my tutor, my masters, my parents, from love of play, eagerness +to see vain shows and restlessness to imitate them! Thefts also I +committed, from my parents' cellar and table, enslaved by greediness, or +that I might have to give to boys, who sold me their play, which all +the while they liked no less than I. In this play, too, I often +sought unfair conquests, conquered myself meanwhile by vain desire of +preeminence. And what could I so ill endure, or, when I detected it, +upbraided I so fiercely, as that I was doing to others? and for which +if, detected, I was upbraided, I chose rather to quarrel than to yield. +And is this the innocence of boyhood? Not so, Lord, not so; I cry Thy +mercy, my God. For these very sins, as riper years succeed, these very +sins are transferred from tutors and masters, from nuts and balls and +sparrows, to magistrates and kings, to gold and manors and slaves, just +as severer punishments displace the cane. It was the low stature then of +childhood which Thou our King didst commend as an emblem of lowliness, +when Thou saidst, Of such is the kingdom of heaven. + +Yet, Lord, to Thee, the Creator and Governor of the universe, most +excellent and most good, thanks were due to Thee our God, even hadst +Thou destined for me boyhood only. For even then I was, I lived, and +felt; and had an implanted providence over my well-being--a trace of +that mysterious Unity whence I was derived; I guarded by the inward +sense the entireness of my senses, and in these minute pursuits, and in +my thoughts on things minute, I learnt to delight in truth, I hated to +be deceived, had a vigorous memory, was gifted with speech, was +soothed by friendship, avoided pain, baseness, ignorance. In so small a +creature, what was not wonderful, not admirable? But all are gifts of +my God: it was not I who gave them me; and good these are, and these +together are myself. Good, then, is He that made me, and He is my good; +and before Him will I exult for every good which of a boy I had. For it +was my sin, that not in Him, but in His creatures-myself and others--I +sought for pleasures, sublimities, truths, and so fell headlong into +sorrows, confusions, errors. Thanks be to Thee, my joy and my glory +and my confidence, my God, thanks be to Thee for Thy gifts; but do Thou +preserve them to me. For so wilt Thou preserve me, and those things +shall be enlarged and perfected which Thou hast given me, and I myself +shall be with Thee, since even to be Thou hast given me. + + + + +BOOK II + + +I will now call to mind my past foulness, and the carnal corruptions of +my soul; not because I love them, but that I may love Thee, O my God. +For love of Thy love I do it; reviewing my most wicked ways in the very +bitterness of my remembrance, that Thou mayest grow sweet unto me (Thou +sweetness never failing, Thou blissful and assured sweetness); and +gathering me again out of that my dissipation, wherein I was torn +piecemeal, while turned from Thee, the One Good, I lost myself among a +multiplicity of things. For I even burnt in my youth heretofore, to be +satiated in things below; and I dared to grow wild again, with these +various and shadowy loves: my beauty consumed away, and I stank in Thine +eyes; pleasing myself, and desirous to please in the eyes of men. + +And what was it that I delighted in, but to love, and be loved? but +I kept not the measure of love, of mind to mind, friendship's bright +boundary: but out of the muddy concupiscence of the flesh, and the +bubblings of youth, mists fumed up which beclouded and overcast my +heart, that I could not discern the clear brightness of love from the +fog of lustfulness. Both did confusedly boil in me, and hurried my +unstayed youth over the precipice of unholy desires, and sunk me in a +gulf of flagitiousnesses. Thy wrath had gathered over me, and I knew it +not. I was grown deaf by the clanking of the chain of my mortality, the +punishment of the pride of my soul, and I strayed further from Thee, +and Thou lettest me alone, and I was tossed about, and wasted, and +dissipated, and I boiled over in my fornications, and Thou heldest Thy +peace, O Thou my tardy joy! Thou then heldest Thy peace, and I wandered +further and further from Thee, into more and more fruitless seed-plots +of sorrows, with a proud dejectedness, and a restless weariness. + +Oh! that some one had then attempered my disorder, and turned to account +the fleeting beauties of these, the extreme points of Thy creation! had +put a bound to their pleasureableness, that so the tides of my youth +might have cast themselves upon the marriage shore, if they could not be +calmed, and kept within the object of a family, as Thy law prescribes, +O Lord: who this way formest the offspring of this our death, being +able with a gentle hand to blunt the thorns which were excluded from Thy +paradise? For Thy omnipotency is not far from us, even when we be far +from Thee. Else ought I more watchfully to have heeded the voice from +the clouds: Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh, but I +spare you. And it is good for a man not to touch a woman. And, he that +is unmarried thinketh of the things of the Lord, how he may please the +Lord; but he that is married careth for the things of this world, how he +may please his wife. + +To these words I should have listened more attentively, and being +severed for the kingdom of heaven's sake, had more happily awaited Thy +embraces; but I, poor wretch, foamed like a troubled sea, following the +rushing of my own tide, forsaking Thee, and exceeded all Thy limits; yet +I escaped not Thy scourges. For what mortal can? For Thou wert ever with +me mercifully rigorous, and besprinkling with most bitter alloy all my +unlawful pleasures: that I might seek pleasures without alloy. But where +to find such, I could not discover, save in Thee, O Lord, who teachest +by sorrow, and woundest us, to heal; and killest us, lest we die from +Thee. Where was I, and how far was I exiled from the delights of Thy +house, in that sixteenth year of the age of my flesh, when the madness +of lust (to which human shamelessness giveth free licence, though +unlicensed by Thy laws) took the rule over me, and I resigned myself +wholly to it? My friends meanwhile took no care by marriage to save my +fall; their only care was that I should learn to speak excellently, and +be a persuasive orator. + +For that year were my studies intermitted: whilst after my return from +Madaura (a neighbour city, whither I had journeyed to learn grammar and +rhetoric), the expenses for a further journey to Carthage were being +provided for me; and that rather by the resolution than the means of my +father, who was but a poor freeman of Thagaste. To whom tell I this? not +to Thee, my God; but before Thee to mine own kind, even to that small +portion of mankind as may light upon these writings of mine. And to what +purpose? that whosoever reads this, may think out of what depths we are +to cry unto Thee. For what is nearer to Thine ears than a confessing +heart, and a life of faith? Who did not extol my father, for that beyond +the ability of his means, he would furnish his son with all necessaries +for a far journey for his studies' sake? For many far abler citizens +did no such thing for their children. But yet this same father had no +concern how I grew towards Thee, or how chaste I were; so that I were +but copious in speech, however barren I were to Thy culture, O God, who +art the only true and good Lord of Thy field, my heart. + +But while in that my sixteenth year I lived with my parents, leaving all +school for a while (a season of idleness being interposed through the +narrowness of my parents' fortunes), the briers of unclean desires grew +rank over my head, and there was no hand to root them out. When that my +father saw me at the baths, now growing towards manhood, and endued +with a restless youthfulness, he, as already hence anticipating his +descendants, gladly told it to my mother; rejoicing in that tumult of +the senses wherein the world forgetteth Thee its Creator, and becometh +enamoured of Thy creature, instead of Thyself, through the fumes of that +invisible wine of its self-will, turning aside and bowing down to the +very basest things. But in my mother's breast Thou hadst already begun +Thy temple, and the foundation of Thy holy habitation, whereas my +father was as yet but a Catechumen, and that but recently. She then was +startled with a holy fear and trembling; and though I was not as yet +baptised, feared for me those crooked ways in which they walk who turn +their back to Thee, and not their face. + +Woe is me! and dare I say that Thou heldest Thy peace, O my God, while I +wandered further from Thee? Didst Thou then indeed hold Thy peace to me? +And whose but Thine were these words which by my mother, Thy faithful +one, Thou sangest in my ears? Nothing whereof sunk into my heart, so as +to do it. For she wished, and I remember in private with great anxiety +warned me, "not to commit fornication; but especially never to defile +another man's wife." These seemed to me womanish advices, which I should +blush to obey. But they were Thine, and I knew it not: and I thought +Thou wert silent and that it was she who spake; by whom Thou wert not +silent unto me; and in her wast despised by me, her son, the son of Thy +handmaid, Thy servant. But I knew it not; and ran headlong with such +blindness, that amongst my equals I was ashamed of a less shamelessness, +when I heard them boast of their flagitiousness, yea, and the more +boasting, the more they were degraded: and I took pleasure, not only in +the pleasure of the deed, but in the praise. What is worthy of dispraise +but vice? But I made myself worse than I was, that I might not be +dispraised; and when in any thing I had not sinned as the abandoned +ones, I would say that I had done what I had not done, that I might not +seem contemptible in proportion as I was innocent; or of less account, +the more chaste. + +Behold with what companions I walked the streets of Babylon, and +wallowed in the mire thereof, as if in a bed of spices and precious +ointments. And that I might cleave the faster to its very centre, the +invisible enemy trod me down, and seduced me, for that I was easy to be +seduced. Neither did the mother of my flesh (who had now fled out of +the centre of Babylon, yet went more slowly in the skirts thereof as +she advised me to chastity, so heed what she had heard of me from her +husband, as to restrain within the bounds of conjugal affection, if it +could not be pared away to the quick) what she felt to be pestilent +at present and for the future dangerous. She heeded not this, for she +feared lest a wife should prove a clog and hindrance to my hopes. Not +those hopes of the world to come, which my mother reposed in Thee; but +the hope of learning, which both my parents were too desirous I should +attain; my father, because he had next to no thought of Thee, and of +me but vain conceits; my mother, because she accounted that those +usual courses of learning would not only be no hindrance, but even some +furtherance towards attaining Thee. For thus I conjecture, recalling, as +well as I may, the disposition of my parents. The reins, meantime, were +slackened to me, beyond all temper of due severity, to spend my time in +sport, yea, even unto dissoluteness in whatsoever I affected. And in all +was a mist, intercepting from me, O my God, the brightness of Thy truth; +and mine iniquity burst out as from very fatness. + +Theft is punished by Thy law, O Lord, and the law written in the hearts +of men, which iniquity itself effaces not. For what thief will abide a +thief? not even a rich thief, one stealing through want. Yet I lusted to +thieve, and did it, compelled by no hunger, nor poverty, but through a +cloyedness of well-doing, and a pamperedness of iniquity. For I stole +that, of which I had enough, and much better. Nor cared I to enjoy what +I stole, but joyed in the theft and sin itself. A pear tree there was +near our vineyard, laden with fruit, tempting neither for colour nor +taste. To shake and rob this, some lewd young fellows of us went, late +one night (having according to our pestilent custom prolonged our sports +in the streets till then), and took huge loads, not for our eating, but +to fling to the very hogs, having only tasted them. And this, but to +do what we liked only, because it was misliked. Behold my heart, O +God, behold my heart, which Thou hadst pity upon in the bottom of the +bottomless pit. Now, behold, let my heart tell Thee what it sought +there, that I should be gratuitously evil, having no temptation to ill, +but the ill itself. It was foul, and I loved it; I loved to perish, +I loved mine own fault, not that for which I was faulty, but my fault +itself. Foul soul, falling from Thy firmament to utter destruction; not +seeking aught through the shame, but the shame itself! + +For there is an attractiveness in beautiful bodies, in gold and silver, +and all things; and in bodily touch, sympathy hath much influence, and +each other sense hath his proper object answerably tempered. Worldy +honour hath also its grace, and the power of overcoming, and of mastery; +whence springs also the thirst of revenge. But yet, to obtain all these, +we may not depart from Thee, O Lord, nor decline from Thy law. The life +also which here we live hath its own enchantment, through a certain +proportion of its own, and a correspondence with all things beautiful +here below. Human friendship also is endeared with a sweet tie, by +reason of the unity formed of many souls. Upon occasion of all these, +and the like, is sin committed, while through an immoderate inclination +towards these goods of the lowest order, the better and higher are +forsaken,--Thou, our Lord God, Thy truth, and Thy law. For these lower +things have their delights, but not like my God, who made all things; +for in Him doth the righteous delight, and He is the joy of the upright +in heart. + +When, then, we ask why a crime was done, we believe it not, unless it +appear that there might have been some desire of obtaining some of those +which we called lower goods, or a fear of losing them. For they are +beautiful and comely; although compared with those higher and beatific +goods, they be abject and low. A man hath murdered another; why? he +loved his wife or his estate; or would rob for his own livelihood; or +feared to lose some such things by him; or, wronged, was on fire to be +revenged. Would any commit murder upon no cause, delighted simply in +murdering? who would believe it? for as for that furious and savage man, +of whom it is said that he was gratuitously evil and cruel, yet is the +cause assigned; "lest" (saith he) "through idleness hand or heart should +grow inactive." And to what end? that, through that practice of guilt, +he might, having taken the city, attain to honours, empire, riches, and +be freed from fear of the laws, and his embarrassments from domestic +needs, and consciousness of villainies. So then, not even Catiline +himself loved his own villainies, but something else, for whose sake he +did them. + +What then did wretched I so love in thee, thou theft of mine, thou deed +of darkness, in that sixteenth year of my age? Lovely thou wert not, +because thou wert theft. But art thou any thing, that thus I speak to +thee? Fair were the pears we stole, because they were Thy creation, Thou +fairest of all, Creator of all, Thou good God; God, the sovereign good +and my true good. Fair were those pears, but not them did my wretched +soul desire; for I had store of better, and those I gathered, only that +I might steal. For, when gathered, I flung them away, my only feast +therein being my own sin, which I was pleased to enjoy. For if aught +of those pears came within my mouth, what sweetened it was the sin. +And now, O Lord my God, I enquire what in that theft delighted me; and +behold it hath no loveliness; I mean not such loveliness as in justice +and wisdom; nor such as is in the mind and memory, and senses, and +animal life of man; nor yet as the stars are glorious and beautiful in +their orbs; or the earth, or sea, full of embryo-life, replacing by its +birth that which decayeth; nay, nor even that false and shadowy beauty +which belongeth to deceiving vices. + +For so doth pride imitate exaltedness; whereas Thou alone art God +exalted over all. Ambition, what seeks it, but honours and glory? +whereas Thou alone art to be honoured above all, and glorious for +evermore. The cruelty of the great would fain be feared; but who is +to be feared but God alone, out of whose power what can be wrested or +withdrawn? when, or where, or whither, or by whom? The tendernesses of +the wanton would fain be counted love: yet is nothing more tender than +Thy charity; nor is aught loved more healthfully than that Thy truth, +bright and beautiful above all. Curiosity makes semblance of a desire +of knowledge; whereas Thou supremely knowest all. Yea, ignorance +and foolishness itself is cloaked under the name of simplicity and +uninjuriousness; because nothing is found more single than Thee: and +what less injurious, since they are his own works which injure the +sinner? Yea, sloth would fain be at rest; but what stable rest besides +the Lord? Luxury affects to be called plenty and abundance; but Thou art +the fulness and never-failing plenteousness of incorruptible pleasures. +Prodigality presents a shadow of liberality: but Thou art the most +overflowing Giver of all good. Covetousness would possess many things; +and Thou possessest all things. Envy disputes for excellency: what more +excellent than Thou? Anger seeks revenge: who revenges more justly +than Thou? Fear startles at things unwonted and sudden, which endangers +things beloved, and takes forethought for their safety; but to Thee what +unwonted or sudden, or who separateth from Thee what Thou lovest? Or +where but with Thee is unshaken safety? Grief pines away for things +lost, the delight of its desires; because it would have nothing taken +from it, as nothing can from Thee. + +Thus doth the soul commit fornication, when she turns from Thee, seeking +without Thee, what she findeth not pure and untainted, till she returns +to Thee. Thus all pervertedly imitate Thee, who remove far from Thee, +and lift themselves up against Thee. But even by thus imitating Thee, +they imply Thee to be the Creator of all nature; whence there is no +place whither altogether to retire from Thee. What then did I love in +that theft? and wherein did I even corruptly and pervertedly imitate my +Lord? Did I wish even by stealth to do contrary to Thy law, because +by power I could not, so that being a prisoner, I might mimic a maimed +liberty by doing with impunity things unpermitted me, a darkened +likeness of Thy Omnipotency? Behold, Thy servant, fleeing from his Lord, +and obtaining a shadow. O rottenness, O monstrousness of life, and depth +of death! could I like what I might not, only because I might not? + +What shall I render unto the Lord, that, whilst my memory recalls these +things, my soul is not affrighted at them? I will love Thee, O Lord, +and thank Thee, and confess unto Thy name; because Thou hast forgiven me +these so great and heinous deeds of mine. To Thy grace I ascribe it, and +to Thy mercy, that Thou hast melted away my sins as it were ice. To Thy +grace I ascribe also whatsoever I have not done of evil; for what might +I not have done, who even loved a sin for its own sake? Yea, all I +confess to have been forgiven me; both what evils I committed by my own +wilfulness, and what by Thy guidance I committed not. What man is +he, who, weighing his own infirmity, dares to ascribe his purity and +innocency to his own strength; that so he should love Thee the less, as +if he had less needed Thy mercy, whereby Thou remittest sins to those +that turn to Thee? For whosoever, called by Thee, followed Thy voice, +and avoided those things which he reads me recalling and confessing +of myself, let him not scorn me, who being sick, was cured by that +Physician, through whose aid it was that he was not, or rather was less, +sick: and for this let him love Thee as much, yea and more; since by +whom he sees me to have been recovered from such deep consumption of +sin, by Him he sees himself to have been from the like consumption of +sin preserved. + +What fruit had I then (wretched man!) in those things, of the +remembrance whereof I am now ashamed? Especially, in that theft which +I loved for the theft's sake; and it too was nothing, and therefore the +more miserable I, who loved it. Yet alone I had not done it: such was I +then, I remember, alone I had never done it. I loved then in it also +the company of the accomplices, with whom I did it? I did not then love +nothing else but the theft, yea rather I did love nothing else; for that +circumstance of the company was also nothing. What is, in truth? who can +teach me, save He that enlighteneth my heart, and discovereth its +dark corners? What is it which hath come into my mind to enquire, and +discuss, and consider? For had I then loved the pears I stole, +and wished to enjoy them, I might have done it alone, had the bare +commission of the theft sufficed to attain my pleasure; nor needed +I have inflamed the itching of my desires by the excitement of +accomplices. But since my pleasure was not in those pears, it was in the +offence itself, which the company of fellow-sinners occasioned. + +What then was this feeling? For of a truth it was too foul: and woe was +me, who had it. But yet what was it? Who can understand his errors? It +was the sport, which as it were tickled our hearts, that we beguiled +those who little thought what we were doing, and much disliked it. Why +then was my delight of such sort that I did it not alone? Because none +doth ordinarily laugh alone? ordinarily no one; yet laughter sometimes +masters men alone and singly when no one whatever is with them, if +anything very ludicrous presents itself to their senses or mind. Yet +I had not done this alone; alone I had never done it. Behold my God, +before Thee, the vivid remembrance of my soul; alone, I had never +committed that theft wherein what I stole pleased me not, but that +I stole; nor had it alone liked me to do it, nor had I done it. O +friendship too unfriendly! thou incomprehensible inveigler of the soul, +thou greediness to do mischief out of mirth and wantonness, thou thirst +of others' loss, without lust of my own gain or revenge: but when it is +said, "Let's go, let's do it," we are ashamed not to be shameless. + +Who can disentangle that twisted and intricate knottiness? Foul is it: I +hate to think on it, to look on it. But Thee I long for, O Righteousness +and Innocency, beautiful and comely to all pure eyes, and of a +satisfaction unsating. With Thee is rest entire, and life imperturbable. +Whoso enters into Thee, enters into the joy of his Lord: and shall not +fear, and shall do excellently in the All-Excellent. I sank away from +Thee, and I wandered, O my God, too much astray from Thee my stay, in +these days of my youth, and I became to myself a barren land. + + + + +BOOK III + + +To Carthage I came, where there sang all around me in my ears a cauldron +of unholy loves. I loved not yet, yet I loved to love, and out of a +deep-seated want, I hated myself for wanting not. I sought what I might +love, in love with loving, and safety I hated, and a way without snares. +For within me was a famine of that inward food, Thyself, my God; yet, +through that famine I was not hungered; but was without all longing for +incorruptible sustenance, not because filled therewith, but the more +empty, the more I loathed it. For this cause my soul was sickly and full +of sores, it miserably cast itself forth, desiring to be scraped by the +touch of objects of sense. Yet if these had not a soul, they would not +be objects of love. To love then, and to be beloved, was sweet to +me; but more, when I obtained to enjoy the person I loved, I defiled, +therefore, the spring of friendship with the filth of concupiscence, and +I beclouded its brightness with the hell of lustfulness; and thus +foul and unseemly, I would fain, through exceeding vanity, be fine +and courtly. I fell headlong then into the love wherein I longed to be +ensnared. My God, my Mercy, with how much gall didst Thou out of Thy +great goodness besprinkle for me that sweetness? For I was both beloved, +and secretly arrived at the bond of enjoying; and was with joy fettered +with sorrow-bringing bonds, that I might be scourged with the iron +burning rods of jealousy, and suspicions, and fears, and angers, and +quarrels. + +Stage-plays also carried me away, full of images of my miseries, and of +fuel to my fire. Why is it, that man desires to be made sad, beholding +doleful and tragical things, which yet himself would no means suffer? +yet he desires as a spectator to feel sorrow at them, and this very +sorrow is his pleasure. What is this but a miserable madness? for a man +is the more affected with these actions, the less free he is from such +affections. Howsoever, when he suffers in his own person, it uses to be +styled misery: when he compassionates others, then it is mercy. But what +sort of compassion is this for feigned and scenical passions? for the +auditor is not called on to relieve, but only to grieve: and he applauds +the actor of these fictions the more, the more he grieves. And if the +calamities of those persons (whether of old times, or mere fiction) +be so acted, that the spectator is not moved to tears, he goes away +disgusted and criticising; but if he be moved to passion, he stays +intent, and weeps for joy. + +Are griefs then too loved? Verily all desire joy. Or whereas no man +likes to be miserable, is he yet pleased to be merciful? which because +it cannot be without passion, for this reason alone are passions loved? +This also springs from that vein of friendship. But whither goes that +vein? whither flows it? wherefore runs it into that torrent of pitch +bubbling forth those monstrous tides of foul lustfulness, into which it +is wilfully changed and transformed, being of its own will precipitated +and corrupted from its heavenly clearness? Shall compassion then be +put away? by no means. Be griefs then sometimes loved. But beware of +uncleanness, O my soul, under the guardianship of my God, the God of our +fathers, who is to be praised and exalted above all for ever, beware of +uncleanness. For I have not now ceased to pity; but then in the theatres +I rejoiced with lovers when they wickedly enjoyed one another, although +this was imaginary only in the play. And when they lost one another, as +if very compassionate, I sorrowed with them, yet had my delight in both. +But now I much more pity him that rejoiceth in his wickedness, than him +who is thought to suffer hardship, by missing some pernicious pleasure, +and the loss of some miserable felicity. This certainly is the truer +mercy, but in it grief delights not. For though he that grieves for the +miserable, be commended for his office of charity; yet had he, who is +genuinely compassionate, rather there were nothing for him to grieve +for. For if good will be ill willed (which can never be), then may +he, who truly and sincerely commiserates, wish there might be some +miserable, that he might commiserate. Some sorrow may then be allowed, +none loved. For thus dost Thou, O Lord God, who lovest souls far more +purely than we, and hast more incorruptibly pity on them, yet are +wounded with no sorrowfulness. And who is sufficient for these things? + +But I, miserable, then loved to grieve, and sought out what to grieve +at, when in another's and that feigned and personated misery, that +acting best pleased me, and attracted me the most vehemently, which +drew tears from me. What marvel that an unhappy sheep, straying from +Thy flock, and impatient of Thy keeping, I became infected with a foul +disease? And hence the love of griefs; not such as should sink deep into +me; for I loved not to suffer, what I loved to look on; but such as upon +hearing their fictions should lightly scratch the surface; upon which, +as on envenomed nails, followed inflamed swelling, impostumes, and a +putrefied sore. My life being such, was it life, O my God? + +And Thy faithful mercy hovered over me afar. Upon how grievous +iniquities consumed I myself, pursuing a sacrilegious curiosity, that +having forsaken Thee, it might bring me to the treacherous abyss, and +the beguiling service of devils, to whom I sacrificed my evil actions, +and in all these things Thou didst scourge me! I dared even, while Thy +solemnities were celebrated within the walls of Thy Church, to desire, +and to compass a business deserving death for its fruits, for which Thou +scourgedst me with grievous punishments, though nothing to my fault, +O Thou my exceeding mercy, my God, my refuge from those terrible +destroyers, among whom I wandered with a stiff neck, withdrawing +further from Thee, loving mine own ways, and not Thine; loving a vagrant +liberty. + +Those studies also, which were accounted commendable, had a view to +excelling in the courts of litigation; the more bepraised, the craftier. +Such is men's blindness, glorying even in their blindness. And now I +was chief in the rhetoric school, whereat I joyed proudly, and I swelled +with arrogancy, though (Lord, Thou knowest) far quieter and altogether +removed from the subvertings of those "Subverters" (for this ill-omened +and devilish name was the very badge of gallantry) among whom I lived, +with a shameless shame that I was not even as they. With them I lived, +and was sometimes delighted with their friendship, whose doings I ever +did abhor--i.e., their "subvertings," wherewith they wantonly persecuted +the modesty of strangers, which they disturbed by a gratuitous jeering, +feeding thereon their malicious birth. Nothing can be liker the very +actions of devils than these. What then could they be more truly called +than "Subverters"? themselves subverted and altogether perverted first, +the deceiving spirits secretly deriding and seducing them, wherein +themselves delight to jeer at and deceive others. + +Among such as these, in that unsettled age of mine, learned I books +of eloquence, wherein I desired to be eminent, out of a damnable and +vainglorious end, a joy in human vanity. In the ordinary course of +study, I fell upon a certain book of Cicero, whose speech almost all +admire, not so his heart. This book of his contains an exhortation +to philosophy, and is called "Hortensius." But this book altered my +affections, and turned my prayers to Thyself O Lord; and made me have +other purposes and desires. Every vain hope at once became worthless to +me; and I longed with an incredibly burning desire for an immortality of +wisdom, and began now to arise, that I might return to Thee. For not +to sharpen my tongue (which thing I seemed to be purchasing with my +mother's allowances, in that my nineteenth year, my father being dead +two years before), not to sharpen my tongue did I employ that book; nor +did it infuse into me its style, but its matter. + +How did I burn then, my God, how did I burn to re-mount from earthly +things to Thee, nor knew I what Thou wouldest do with me? For with Thee +is wisdom. But the love of wisdom is in Greek called "philosophy," +with which that book inflamed me. Some there be that seduce through +philosophy, under a great, and smooth, and honourable name colouring and +disguising their own errors: and almost all who in that and former ages +were such, are in that book censured and set forth: there also is +made plain that wholesome advice of Thy Spirit, by Thy good and devout +servant: Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain +deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, +and not after Christ. For in Him dwelleth all the fulness of the Godhead +bodily. And since at that time (Thou, O light of my heart, knowest) +Apostolic Scripture was not known to me, I was delighted with that +exhortation, so far only, that I was thereby strongly roused, and +kindled, and inflamed to love, and seek, and obtain, and hold, and +embrace not this or that sect, but wisdom itself whatever it were; and +this alone checked me thus unkindled, that the name of Christ was not +in it. For this name, according to Thy mercy, O Lord, this name of +my Saviour Thy Son, had my tender heart, even with my mother's milk, +devoutly drunk in and deeply treasured; and whatsoever was without that +name, though never so learned, polished, or true, took not entire hold +of me. + +I resolved then to bend my mind to the holy Scriptures, that I might see +what they were. But behold, I see a thing not understood by the proud, +nor laid open to children, lowly in access, in its recesses lofty, and +veiled with mysteries; and I was not such as could enter into it, or +stoop my neck to follow its steps. For not as I now speak, did I feel +when I turned to those Scriptures; but they seemed to me unworthy to be +compared to the stateliness of Tully: for my swelling pride shrunk from +their lowliness, nor could my sharp wit pierce the interior thereof. Yet +were they such as would grow up in a little one. But I disdained to be a +little one; and, swollen with pride, took myself to be a great one. + +Therefore I fell among men proudly doting, exceeding carnal and prating, +in whose mouths were the snares of the Devil, limed with the mixture of +the syllables of Thy name, and of our Lord Jesus Christ, and of the Holy +Ghost, the Paraclete, our Comforter. These names departed not out of +their mouth, but so far forth as the sound only and the noise of the +tongue, for the heart was void of truth. Yet they cried out "Truth, +Truth," and spake much thereof to me, yet it was not in them: but they +spake falsehood, not of Thee only (who truly art Truth), but even of +those elements of this world, Thy creatures. And I indeed ought to have +passed by even philosophers who spake truth concerning them, for love +of Thee, my Father, supremely good, Beauty of all things beautiful. +O Truth, Truth, how inwardly did even then the marrow of my soul pant +after Thee, when they often and diversely, and in many and huge books, +echoed of Thee to me, though it was but an echo? And these were the +dishes wherein to me, hungering after Thee, they, instead of Thee, +served up the Sun and Moon, beautiful works of Thine, but yet Thy works, +not Thyself, no nor Thy first works. For Thy spiritual works are before +these corporeal works, celestial though they be, and shining. But I +hungered and thirsted not even after those first works of Thine, but +after Thee Thyself, the Truth, in whom is no variableness, neither +shadow of turning: yet they still set before me in those dishes, +glittering fantasies, than which better were it to love this very sun +(which is real to our sight at least), than those fantasies which by +our eyes deceive our mind. Yet because I thought them to be Thee, I fed +thereon; not eagerly, for Thou didst not in them taste to me as Thou +art; for Thou wast not these emptinesses, nor was I nourished by them, +but exhausted rather. Food in sleep shows very like our food awake; yet +are not those asleep nourished by it, for they are asleep. But those +were not even any way like to Thee, as Thou hast now spoken to me; for +those were corporeal fantasies, false bodies, than which these true +bodies, celestial or terrestrial, which with our fleshly sight we +behold, are far more certain: these things the beasts and birds discern +as well as we, and they are more certain than when we fancy them. And +again, we do with more certainty fancy them, than by them conjecture +other vaster and infinite bodies which have no being. Such empty husks +was I then fed on; and was not fed. But Thou, my soul's Love, in looking +for whom I fail, that I may become strong, art neither those bodies +which we see, though in heaven; nor those which we see not there; for +Thou hast created them, nor dost Thou account them among the chiefest of +Thy works. How far then art Thou from those fantasies of mine, fantasies +of bodies which altogether are not, than which the images of those +bodies, which are, are far more certain, and more certain still the +bodies themselves, which yet Thou art not; no, nor yet the soul, which +is the life of the bodies. So then, better and more certain is the life +of the bodies than the bodies. But Thou art the life of souls, the life +of lives, having life in Thyself; and changest not, life of my soul. + +Where then wert Thou then to me, and how far from me? Far verily was I +straying from Thee, barred from the very husks of the swine, whom with +husks I fed. For how much better are the fables of poets and grammarians +than these snares? For verses, and poems, and "Medea flying," are more +profitable truly than these men's five elements, variously disguised, +answering to five dens of darkness, which have no being, yet slay the +believer. For verses and poems I can turn to true food, and "Medea +flying," though I did sing, I maintained not; though I heard it sung, +I believed not: but those things I did believe. Woe, woe, by what steps +was I brought down to the depths of hell! toiling and turmoiling through +want of Truth, since I sought after Thee, my God (to Thee I confess +it, who hadst mercy on me, not as yet confessing), not according to the +understanding of the mind, wherein Thou willedst that I should excel +the beasts, but according to the sense of the flesh. But Thou wert more +inward to me than my most inward part; and higher than my highest. I +lighted upon that bold woman, simple and knoweth nothing, shadowed out +in Solomon, sitting at the door, and saying, Eat ye bread of secrecies +willingly, and drink ye stolen waters which are sweet: she seduced me, +because she found my soul dwelling abroad in the eye of my flesh, and +ruminating on such food as through it I had devoured. + +For other than this, that which really is I knew not; and was, as it +were through sharpness of wit, persuaded to assent to foolish deceivers, +when they asked me, "whence is evil?" "is God bounded by a bodily shape, +and has hairs and nails?" "are they to be esteemed righteous who had +many wives at once, and did kill men, and sacrifice living creatures?" +At which I, in my ignorance, was much troubled, and departing from the +truth, seemed to myself to be making towards it; because as yet I knew +not that evil was nothing but a privation of good, until at last a thing +ceases altogether to be; which how should I see, the sight of whose eyes +reached only to bodies, and of my mind to a phantasm? And I knew not God +to be a Spirit, not one who hath parts extended in length and breadth, +or whose being was bulk; for every bulk is less in a part than in the +whole: and if it be infinite, it must be less in such part as is defined +by a certain space, than in its infinitude; and so is not wholly every +where, as Spirit, as God. And what that should be in us, by which we +were like to God, and might be rightly said to be after the image of +God, I was altogether ignorant. + +Nor knew I that true inward righteousness which judgeth not according +to custom, but out of the most rightful law of God Almighty, whereby +the ways of places and times were disposed according to those times and +places; itself meantime being the same always and every where, not one +thing in one place, and another in another; according to which Abraham, +and Isaac, and Jacob, and Moses, and David, were righteous, and all +those commended by the mouth of God; but were judged unrighteous by +silly men, judging out of man's judgment, and measuring by their own +petty habits, the moral habits of the whole human race. As if in an +armory, one ignorant what were adapted to each part should cover his +head with greaves, or seek to be shod with a helmet, and complain that +they fitted not: or as if on a day when business is publicly stopped in +the afternoon, one were angered at not being allowed to keep open shop, +because he had been in the forenoon; or when in one house he observeth +some servant take a thing in his hand, which the butler is not suffered +to meddle with; or something permitted out of doors, which is forbidden +in the dining-room; and should be angry, that in one house, and one +family, the same thing is not allotted every where, and to all. Even +such are they who are fretted to hear something to have been lawful +for righteous men formerly, which now is not; or that God, for certain +temporal respects, commanded them one thing, and these another, obeying +both the same righteousness: whereas they see, in one man, and one day, +and one house, different things to be fit for different members, and +a thing formerly lawful, after a certain time not so; in one corner +permitted or commanded, but in another rightly forbidden and punished. +Is justice therefore various or mutable? No, but the times, over which +it presides, flow not evenly, because they are times. But men whose days +are few upon the earth, for that by their senses they cannot harmonise +the causes of things in former ages and other nations, which they had +not experience of, with these which they have experience of, whereas in +one and the same body, day, or family, they easily see what is fitting +for each member, and season, part, and person; to the one they take +exceptions, to the other they submit. + +These things I then knew not, nor observed; they struck my sight on all +sides, and I saw them not. I indited verses, in which I might not place +every foot every where, but differently in different metres; nor even in +any one metre the self-same foot in all places. Yet the art itself, by +which I indited, had not different principles for these different cases, +but comprised all in one. Still I saw not how that righteousness, which +good and holy men obeyed, did far more excellently and sublimely contain +in one all those things which God commanded, and in no part varied; +although in varying times it prescribed not every thing at once, but +apportioned and enjoined what was fit for each. And I in my blindness, +censured the holy Fathers, not only wherein they made use of things +present as God commanded and inspired them, but also wherein they were +foretelling things to come, as God was revealing in them. + +Can it at any time or place be unjust to love God with all his heart, +with all his soul, and with all his mind; and his neighbour as himself? +Therefore are those foul offences which be against nature, to be every +where and at all times detested and punished; such as were those of the +men of Sodom: which should all nations commit, they should all stand +guilty of the same crime, by the law of God, which hath not so made men +that they should so abuse one another. For even that intercourse which +should be between God and us is violated, when that same nature, of +which He is Author, is polluted by perversity of lust. But those +actions which are offences against the customs of men, are to be avoided +according to the customs severally prevailing; so that a thing agreed +upon, and confirmed, by custom or law of any city or nation, may not be +violated at the lawless pleasure of any, whether native or foreigner. +For any part which harmoniseth not with its whole, is offensive. But +when God commands a thing to be done, against the customs or compact of +any people, though it were never by them done heretofore, it is to be +done; and if intermitted, it is to be restored; and if never ordained, +is now to be ordained. For lawful if it be for a king, in the state +which he reigns over, to command that which no one before him, nor he +himself heretofore, had commanded, and to obey him cannot be against the +common weal of the state (nay, it were against it if he were not obeyed, +for to obey princes is a general compact of human society); how much +more unhesitatingly ought we to obey God, in all which He commands, the +Ruler of all His creatures! For as among the powers in man's society, +the greater authority is obeyed in preference to the lesser, so must God +above all. + +So in acts of violence, where there is a wish to hurt, whether by +reproach or injury; and these either for revenge, as one enemy against +another; or for some profit belonging to another, as the robber to +the traveller; or to avoid some evil, as towards one who is feared; or +through envy, as one less fortunate to one more so, or one well thriven +in any thing, to him whose being on a par with himself he fears, or +grieves at, or for the mere pleasure at another's pain, as spectators +of gladiators, or deriders and mockers of others. These be the heads +of iniquity which spring from the lust of the flesh, of the eye, or of +rule, either singly, or two combined, or all together; and so do men +live ill against the three, and seven, that psaltery of of ten strings, +Thy Ten Commandments, O God, most high, and most sweet. But what foul +offences can there be against Thee, who canst not be defiled? or +what acts of violence against Thee, who canst not be harmed? But Thou +avengest what men commit against themselves, seeing also when they sin +against Thee, they do wickedly against their own souls, and iniquity +gives itself the lie, by corrupting and perverting their nature, which +Thou hast created and ordained, or by an immoderate use of things +allowed, or in burning in things unallowed, to that use which is against +nature; or are found guilty, raging with heart and tongue against Thee, +kicking against the pricks; or when, bursting the pale of human society, +they boldly joy in self-willed combinations or divisions, according as +they have any object to gain or subject of offence. And these things are +done when Thou art forsaken, O Fountain of Life, who art the only and +true Creator and Governor of the Universe, and by a self-willed pride, +any one false thing is selected therefrom and loved. So then by a +humble devoutness we return to Thee; and Thou cleansest us from our +evil habits, and art merciful to their sins who confess, and hearest the +groaning of the prisoner, and loosest us from the chains which we made +for ourselves, if we lift not up against Thee the horns of an unreal +liberty, suffering the loss of all, through covetousness of more, by +loving more our own private good than Thee, the Good of all. + +Amidst these offences of foulness and violence, and so many iniquities, +are sins of men, who are on the whole making proficiency; which by those +that judge rightly, are, after the rule of perfection, discommended, yet +the persons commended, upon hope of future fruit, as in the green blade +of growing corn. And there are some, resembling offences of foulness or +violence, which yet are no sins; because they offend neither Thee, our +Lord God, nor human society; when, namely, things fitting for a given +period are obtained for the service of life, and we know not whether out +of a lust of having; or when things are, for the sake of correction, by +constituted authority punished, and we know not whether out of a lust of +hurting. Many an action then which in men's sight is disapproved, is +by Thy testimony approved; and many, by men praised, are (Thou being +witness) condemned: because the show of the action, and the mind of the +doer, and the unknown exigency of the period, severally vary. But when +Thou on a sudden commandest an unwonted and unthought of thing, yea, +although Thou hast sometime forbidden it, and still for the time hidest +the reason of Thy command, and it be against the ordinance of some +society of men, who doubts but it is to be done, seeing that society +of men is just which serves Thee? But blessed are they who know Thy +commands! For all things were done by Thy servants; either to show forth +something needful for the present, or to foreshow things to come. + +These things I being ignorant of, scoffed at those Thy holy servants and +prophets. And what gained I by scoffing at them, but to be scoffed at by +Thee, being insensibly and step by step drawn on to those follies, as +to believe that a fig-tree wept when it was plucked, and the tree, its +mother, shed milky tears? Which fig notwithstanding (plucked by some +other's, not his own, guilt) had some Manichaean saint eaten, and +mingled with his bowels, he should breathe out of it angels, yea, there +shall burst forth particles of divinity, at every moan or groan in his +prayer, which particles of the most high and true God had remained bound +in that fig, unless they had been set at liberty by the teeth or belly +of some "Elect" saint! And I, miserable, believed that more mercy was +to be shown to the fruits of the earth than men, for whom they were +created. For if any one an hungered, not a Manichaean, should ask for +any, that morsel would seem as it were condemned to capital punishment, +which should be given him. + +And Thou sentest Thine hand from above, and drewest my soul out of that +profound darkness, my mother, Thy faithful one, weeping to Thee for me, +more than mothers weep the bodily deaths of their children. For she, +by that faith and spirit which she had from Thee, discerned the death +wherein I lay, and Thou heardest her, O Lord; Thou heardest her, and +despisedst not her tears, when streaming down, they watered the ground +under her eyes in every place where she prayed; yea Thou heardest her. +For whence was that dream whereby Thou comfortedst her; so that she +allowed me to live with her, and to eat at the same table in the +house, which she had begun to shrink from, abhorring and detesting +the blasphemies of my error? For she saw herself standing on a certain +wooden rule, and a shining youth coming towards her, cheerful and +smiling upon her, herself grieving, and overwhelmed with grief. But he +having (in order to instruct, as is their wont not to be instructed) +enquired of her the causes of her grief and daily tears, and she +answering that she was bewailing my perdition, he bade her rest +contented, and told her to look and observe, "That where she was, there +was I also." And when she looked, she saw me standing by her in the same +rule. Whence was this, but that Thine ears were towards her heart? O +Thou Good omnipotent, who so carest for every one of us, as if Thou +caredst for him only; and so for all, as if they were but one! + +Whence was this also, that when she had told me this vision, and I would +fain bend it to mean, "That she rather should not despair of being one +day what I was"; she presently, without any hesitation, replies: "No; +for it was not told me that, 'where he, there thou also'; but 'where +thou, there he also'?" I confess to Thee, O Lord, that to the best of my +remembrance (and I have oft spoken of this), that Thy answer, through +my waking mother,--that she was not perplexed by the plausibility of my +false interpretation, and so quickly saw what was to be seen, and which +I certainly had not perceived before she spake,--even then moved me more +than the dream itself, by which a joy to the holy woman, to be fulfilled +so long after, was, for the consolation of her present anguish, so long +before foresignified. For almost nine years passed, in which I wallowed +in the mire of that deep pit, and the darkness of falsehood, often +assaying to rise, but dashed down the more grievously. All which time +that chaste, godly, and sober widow (such as Thou lovest), now more +cheered with hope, yet no whit relaxing in her weeping and mourning, +ceased not at all hours of her devotions to bewail my case unto Thee. +And her prayers entered into Thy presence; and yet Thou sufferedst me to +be yet involved and reinvolved in that darkness. + +Thou gavest her meantime another answer, which I call to mind; for much +I pass by, hasting to those things which more press me to confess unto +Thee, and much I do not remember. Thou gavest her then another answer, +by a Priest of Thine, a certain Bishop brought up in Thy Church, +and well studied in Thy books. Whom when this woman had entreated to +vouchsafe to converse with me, refute my errors, unteach me ill things, +and teach me good things (for this he was wont to do, when he found +persons fitted to receive it), he refused, wisely, as I afterwards +perceived. For he answered, that I was yet unteachable, being puffed +up with the novelty of that heresy, and had already perplexed divers +unskilful persons with captious questions, as she had told him: "but +let him alone a while" (saith he), "only pray God for him, he will of +himself by reading find what that error is, and how great its impiety." +At the same time he told her, how himself, when a little one, had by his +seduced mother been consigned over to the Manichees, and had not +only read, but frequently copied out almost all, their books, and had +(without any argument or proof from any one) seen how much that sect was +to be avoided; and had avoided it. Which when he had said, and she would +not be satisfied, but urged him more, with entreaties and many tears, +that he would see me and discourse with me; he, a little displeased at +her importunity, saith, "Go thy ways and God bless thee, for it is not +possible that the son of these tears should perish." Which answer she +took (as she often mentioned in her conversations with me) as if it had +sounded from heaven. + + + + +BOOK IV + + +For this space of nine years (from my nineteenth year to my +eight-and-twentieth) we lived seduced and seducing, deceived and +deceiving, in divers lusts; openly, by sciences which they call liberal; +secretly, with a false-named religion; here proud, there superstitious, +every where vain. Here, hunting after the emptiness of popular praise, +down even to theatrical applauses, and poetic prizes, and strifes for +grassy garlands, and the follies of shows, and the intemperance of +desires. There, desiring to be cleansed from these defilements, by +carrying food to those who were called "elect" and "holy," out of which, +in the workhouse of their stomachs, they should forge for us Angels +and Gods, by whom we might be cleansed. These things did I follow, and +practise with my friends, deceived by me, and with me. Let the arrogant +mock me, and such as have not been, to their soul's health, stricken and +cast down by Thee, O my God; but I would still confess to Thee mine own +shame in Thy praise. Suffer me, I beseech Thee, and give me grace to go +over in my present remembrance the wanderings of my forepassed time, +and to offer unto Thee the sacrifice of thanksgiving. For what am I to +myself without Thee, but a guide to mine own downfall? or what am I even +at the best, but an infant sucking the milk Thou givest, and feeding +upon Thee, the food that perisheth not? But what sort of man is any man, +seeing he is but a man? Let now the strong and the mighty laugh at us, +but let us poor and needy confess unto Thee. + +In those years I taught rhetoric, and, overcome by cupidity, made sale +of a loquacity to overcome by. Yet I preferred (Lord, Thou knowest) +honest scholars (as they are accounted), and these I, without artifice, +taught artifices, not to be practised against the life of the guiltless, +though sometimes for the life of the guilty. And Thou, O God, from afar +perceivedst me stumbling in that slippery course, and amid much smoke +sending out some sparks of faithfulness, which I showed in that my +guidance of such as loved vanity, and sought after leasing, myself their +companion. In those years I had one,--not in that which is called +lawful marriage, but whom I had found out in a wayward passion, void of +understanding; yet but one, remaining faithful even to her; in whom I +in my own case experienced what difference there is betwixt the +self-restraint of the marriage-covenant, for the sake of issue, and +the bargain of a lustful love, where children are born against their +parents' will, although, once born, they constrain love. + +I remember also, that when I had settled to enter the lists for a +theatrical prize, some wizard asked me what I would give him to win; but +I, detesting and abhorring such foul mysteries, answered, "Though the +garland were of imperishable gold, I would not suffer a fly to be +killed to gain me it." For he was to kill some living creatures in his +sacrifices, and by those honours to invite the devils to favour me. But +this ill also I rejected, not out of a pure love for Thee, O God of my +heart; for I knew not how to love Thee, who knew not how to conceive +aught beyond a material brightness. And doth not a soul, sighing after +such fictions, commit fornication against Thee, trust in things unreal, +and feed the wind? Still I would not forsooth have sacrifices offered +to devils for me, to whom I was sacrificing myself by that superstition. +For what else is it to feed the wind, but to feed them, that is by going +astray to become their pleasure and derision? + +Those impostors then, whom they style Mathematicians, I consulted +without scruple; because they seemed to use no sacrifice, nor to pray to +any spirit for their divinations: which art, however, Christian and +true piety consistently rejects and condemns. For, it is a good thing to +confess unto Thee, and to say, Have mercy upon me, heal my soul, for I +have sinned against Thee; and not to abuse Thy mercy for a licence to +sin, but to remember the Lord's words, Behold, thou art made whole, sin +no more, lest a worse thing come unto thee. All which wholesome advice +they labour to destroy, saying, "The cause of thy sin is inevitably +determined in heaven"; and "This did Venus, or Saturn, or Mars": +that man, forsooth, flesh and blood, and proud corruption, might be +blameless; while the Creator and Ordainer of heaven and the stars is +to bear the blame. And who is He but our God? the very sweetness and +well-spring of righteousness, who renderest to every man according to +his works: and a broken and contrite heart wilt Thou not despise. + +There was in those days a wise man, very skilful in physic, and renowned +therein, who had with his own proconsular hand put the Agonistic garland +upon my distempered head, but not as a physician: for this disease Thou +only curest, who resistest the proud, and givest grace to the humble. +But didst Thou fail me even by that old man, or forbear to heal my soul? +For having become more acquainted with him, and hanging assiduously and +fixedly on his speech (for though in simple terms, it was vivid, lively, +and earnest), when he had gathered by my discourse that I was given to +the books of nativity-casters, he kindly and fatherly advised me to cast +them away, and not fruitlessly bestow a care and diligence, necessary +for useful things, upon these vanities; saying, that he had in his +earliest years studied that art, so as to make it the profession whereby +he should live, and that, understanding Hippocrates, he could soon have +understood such a study as this; and yet he had given it over, and taken +to physic, for no other reason but that he found it utterly false; +and he, a grave man, would not get his living by deluding people. "But +thou," saith he, "hast rhetoric to maintain thyself by, so that thou +followest this of free choice, not of necessity: the more then oughtest +thou to give me credit herein, who laboured to acquire it so perfectly +as to get my living by it alone." Of whom when I had demanded, how then +could many true things be foretold by it, he answered me (as he could) +"that the force of chance, diffused throughout the whole order of +things, brought this about. For if when a man by haphazard opens the +pages of some poet, who sang and thought of something wholly different, +a verse oftentimes fell out, wondrously agreeable to the present +business: it were not to be wondered at, if out of the soul of man, +unconscious what takes place in it, by some higher instinct an answer +should be given, by hap, not by art, corresponding to the business and +actions of the demander." + +And thus much, either from or through him, Thou conveyedst to me, and +tracedst in my memory, what I might hereafter examine for myself. But at +that time neither he, nor my dearest Nebridius, a youth singularly good +and of a holy fear, who derided the whole body of divination, could +persuade me to cast it aside, the authority of the authors swaying me +yet more, and as yet I had found no certain proof (such as I sought) +whereby it might without all doubt appear, that what had been truly +foretold by those consulted was the result of haphazard, not of the art +of the star-gazers. + +In those years when I first began to teach rhetoric in my native town, +I had made one my friend, but too dear to me, from a community of +pursuits, of mine own age, and, as myself, in the first opening flower +of youth. He had grown up of a child with me, and we had been both +school-fellows and play-fellows. But he was not yet my friend as +afterwards, nor even then, as true friendship is; for true it cannot be, +unless in such as Thou cementest together, cleaving unto Thee, by that +love which is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost, which is +given unto us. Yet was it but too sweet, ripened by the warmth of +kindred studies: for, from the true faith (which he as a youth had +not soundly and thoroughly imbibed), I had warped him also to those +superstitious and pernicious fables, for which my mother bewailed me. +With me he now erred in mind, nor could my soul be without him. But +behold Thou wert close on the steps of Thy fugitives, at once God of +vengeance, and Fountain of mercies, turning us to Thyself by wonderful +means; Thou tookest that man out of this life, when he had scarce filled +up one whole year of my friendship, sweet to me above all sweetness of +that my life. + +Who can recount all Thy praises, which he hath felt in his one self? +What diddest Thou then, my God, and how unsearchable is the abyss of +Thy judgments? For long, sore sick of a fever, he lay senseless in +a death-sweat; and his recovery being despaired of, he was baptised, +unknowing; myself meanwhile little regarding, and presuming that his +soul would retain rather what it had received of me, not what was +wrought on his unconscious body. But it proved far otherwise: for he was +refreshed, and restored. Forthwith, as soon as I could speak with him +(and I could, so soon as he was able, for I never left him, and we hung +but too much upon each other), I essayed to jest with him, as though he +would jest with me at that baptism which he had received, when utterly +absent in mind and feeling, but had now understood that he had received. +But he so shrunk from me, as from an enemy; and with a wonderful and +sudden freedom bade me, as I would continue his friend, forbear such +language to him. I, all astonished and amazed, suppressed all my +emotions till he should grow well, and his health were strong enough for +me to deal with him as I would. But he was taken away from my frenzy, +that with Thee he might be preserved for my comfort; a few days after in +my absence, he was attacked again by the fever, and so departed. + +At this grief my heart was utterly darkened; and whatever I beheld was +death. My native country was a torment to me, and my father's house a +strange unhappiness; and whatever I had shared with him, wanting him, +became a distracting torture. Mine eyes sought him every where, but he +was not granted them; and I hated all places, for that they had not him; +nor could they now tell me, "he is coming," as when he was alive and +absent. I became a great riddle to myself, and I asked my soul, why she +was so sad, and why she disquieted me sorely: but she knew not what to +answer me. And if I said, Trust in God, she very rightly obeyed me not; +because that most dear friend, whom she had lost, was, being man, both +truer and better than that phantasm she was bid to trust in. Only tears +were sweet to me, for they succeeded my friend, in the dearest of my +affections. + +And now, Lord, these things are passed by, and time hath assuaged my +wound. May I learn from Thee, who art Truth, and approach the ear of my +heart unto Thy mouth, that Thou mayest tell me why weeping is sweet to +the miserable? Hast Thou, although present every where, cast away our +misery far from Thee? And Thou abidest in Thyself, but we are tossed +about in divers trials. And yet unless we mourned in Thine ears, we +should have no hope left. Whence then is sweet fruit gathered from the +bitterness of life, from groaning, tears, sighs, and complaints? Doth +this sweeten it, that we hope Thou hearest? This is true of prayer, for +therein is a longing to approach unto Thee. But is it also in grief for +a thing lost, and the sorrow wherewith I was then overwhelmed? For I +neither hoped he should return to life nor did I desire this with my +tears; but I wept only and grieved. For I was miserable, and had lost my +joy. Or is weeping indeed a bitter thing, and for very loathing of the +things which we before enjoyed, does it then, when we shrink from them, +please us? + +But what speak I of these things? for now is no time to question, but to +confess unto Thee. Wretched I was; and wretched is every soul bound by +the friendship of perishable things; he is torn asunder when he loses +them, and then he feels the wretchedness which he had ere yet he lost +them. So was it then with me; I wept most bitterly, and found my repose +in bitterness. Thus was I wretched, and that wretched life I held dearer +than my friend. For though I would willingly have changed it, yet was I +more unwilling to part with it than with him; yea, I know not whether I +would have parted with it even for him, as is related (if not feigned) +of Pylades and Orestes, that they would gladly have died for each other +or together, not to live together being to them worse than death. But in +me there had arisen some unexplained feeling, too contrary to this, for +at once I loathed exceedingly to live and feared to die. I suppose, the +more I loved him, the more did I hate, and fear (as a most cruel enemy) +death, which had bereaved me of him: and I imagined it would speedily +make an end of all men, since it had power over him. Thus was it with +me, I remember. Behold my heart, O my God, behold and see into me; for +well I remember it, O my Hope, who cleansest me from the impurity of +such affections, directing mine eyes towards Thee, and plucking my feet +out of the snare. For I wondered that others, subject to death, did +live, since he whom I loved, as if he should never die, was dead; and I +wondered yet more that myself, who was to him a second self, could live, +he being dead. Well said one of his friend, "Thou half of my soul"; +for I felt that my soul and his soul were "one soul in two bodies": and +therefore was my life a horror to me, because I would not live halved. +And therefore perchance I feared to die, lest he whom I had much loved +should die wholly. + +O madness, which knowest not how to love men, like men! O foolish man +that I then was, enduring impatiently the lot of man! I fretted then, +sighed, wept, was distracted; had neither rest nor counsel. For I bore +about a shattered and bleeding soul, impatient of being borne by me, yet +where to repose it, I found not. Not in calm groves, not in games and +music, nor in fragrant spots, nor in curious banquetings, nor in the +pleasures of the bed and the couch; nor (finally) in books or poesy, +found it repose. All things looked ghastly, yea, the very light; +whatsoever was not what he was, was revolting and hateful, except +groaning and tears. For in those alone found I a little refreshment. But +when my soul was withdrawn from them a huge load of misery weighed +me down. To Thee, O Lord, it ought to have been raised, for Thee to +lighten; I knew it; but neither could nor would; the more, since, when I +thought of Thee, Thou wert not to me any solid or substantial thing. For +Thou wert not Thyself, but a mere phantom, and my error was my God. If +I offered to discharge my load thereon, that it might rest, it glided +through the void, and came rushing down again on me; and I had remained +to myself a hapless spot, where I could neither be, nor be from thence. +For whither should my heart flee from my heart? Whither should I +flee from myself? Whither not follow myself? And yet I fled out of my +country; for so should mine eyes less look for him, where they were not +wont to see him. And thus from Thagaste, I came to Carthage. + +Times lose no time; nor do they roll idly by; through our senses they +work strange operations on the mind. Behold, they went and came day by +day, and by coming and going, introduced into my mind other imaginations +and other remembrances; and little by little patched me up again with my +old kind of delights, unto which that my sorrow gave way. And yet there +succeeded, not indeed other griefs, yet the causes of other griefs. For +whence had that former grief so easily reached my very inmost soul, but +that I had poured out my soul upon the dust, in loving one that must +die, as if he would never die? For what restored and refreshed me +chiefly was the solaces of other friends, with whom I did love, what +instead of Thee I loved; and this was a great fable, and protracted lie, +by whose adulterous stimulus, our soul, which lay itching in our ears, +was being defiled. But that fable would not die to me, so oft as any of +my friends died. There were other things which in them did more take my +mind; to talk and jest together, to do kind offices by turns; to read +together honied books; to play the fool or be earnest together; to +dissent at times without discontent, as a man might with his own self; +and even with the seldomness of these dissentings, to season our more +frequent consentings; sometimes to teach, and sometimes learn; long for +the absent with impatience; and welcome the coming with joy. These and +the like expressions, proceeding out of the hearts of those that loved +and were loved again, by the countenance, the tongue, the eyes, and +a thousand pleasing gestures, were so much fuel to melt our souls +together, and out of many make but one. + +This is it that is loved in friends; and so loved, that a man's +conscience condemns itself, if he love not him that loves him again, or +love not again him that loves him, looking for nothing from his person +but indications of his love. Hence that mourning, if one die, and +darkenings of sorrows, that steeping of the heart in tears, all +sweetness turned to bitterness; and upon the loss of life of the dying, +the death of the living. Blessed whoso loveth Thee, and his friend in +Thee, and his enemy for Thee. For he alone loses none dear to him, to +whom all are dear in Him who cannot be lost. And who is this but our +God, the God that made heaven and earth, and filleth them, because by +filling them He created them? Thee none loseth, but who leaveth. And +who leaveth Thee, whither goeth or whither fleeth he, but from Thee +well-pleased, to Thee displeased? For where doth he not find Thy law in +his own punishment? And Thy law is truth, and truth Thou. + +Turn us, O God of Hosts, show us Thy countenance, and we shall be whole. +For whithersoever the soul of man turns itself, unless toward Thee, it +is riveted upon sorrows, yea though it is riveted on things beautiful. +And yet they, out of Thee, and out of the soul, were not, unless they +were from Thee. They rise, and set; and by rising, they begin as it were +to be; they grow, that they may be perfected; and perfected, they wax +old and wither; and all grow not old, but all wither. So then when they +rise and tend to be, the more quickly they grow that they may be, so +much the more they haste not to be. This is the law of them. Thus much +has Thou allotted them, because they are portions of things, which +exist not all at once, but by passing away and succeeding, they together +complete that universe, whereof they are portions. And even thus is our +speech completed by signs giving forth a sound: but this again is not +perfected unless one word pass away when it hath sounded its part, that +another may succeed. Out of all these things let my soul praise Thee, +O God, Creator of all; yet let not my soul be riveted unto these things +with the glue of love, through the senses of the body. For they go +whither they were to go, that they might not be; and they rend her with +pestilent longings, because she longs to be, yet loves to repose in what +she loves. But in these things is no place of repose; they abide not, +they flee; and who can follow them with the senses of the flesh? yea, +who can grasp them, when they are hard by? For the sense of the flesh is +slow, because it is the sense of the flesh; and thereby is it bounded. +It sufficeth for that it was made for; but it sufficeth not to stay +things running their course from their appointed starting-place to the +end appointed. For in Thy Word, by which they are created, they hear +their decree, "hence and hitherto." + +Be not foolish, O my soul, nor become deaf in the ear of thine heart +with the tumult of thy folly. Hearken thou too. + +The Word itself calleth thee to return: and there is the place of rest +imperturbable, where love is not forsaken, if itself forsaketh not. +Behold, these things pass away, that others may replace them, and so +this lower universe be completed by all his parts. But do I depart any +whither? saith the Word of God. There fix thy dwelling, trust there +whatsoever thou hast thence, O my soul, at least now thou art tired out +with vanities. Entrust Truth, whatsoever thou hast from the Truth, and +thou shalt lose nothing; and thy decay shall bloom again, and all thy +diseases be healed, and thy mortal parts be reformed and renewed, and +bound around thee: nor shall they lay thee whither themselves descend; +but they shall stand fast with thee, and abide for ever before God, Who +abideth and standeth fast for ever. + +Why then be perverted and follow thy flesh? Be it converted and follow +thee. Whatever by her thou hast sense of, is in part; and the whole, +whereof these are parts, thou knowest not; and yet they delight thee. +But had the sense of thy flesh a capacity for comprehending the whole, +and not itself also, for thy punishment, been justly restricted to +a part of the whole, thou wouldest, that whatsoever existeth at this +present, should pass away, that so the whole might better please thee. +For what we speak also, by the same sense of the flesh thou hearest; yet +wouldest not thou have the syllables stay, but fly away, that others may +come, and thou hear the whole. And so ever, when any one thing is made +up of many, all of which do not exist together, all collectively would +please more than they do severally, could all be perceived collectively. +But far better than these is He who made all; and He is our God, nor +doth He pass away, for neither doth aught succeed Him. + +If bodies please thee, praise God on occasion of them, and turn back +thy love upon their Maker; lest in these things which please thee, thou +displease. If souls please thee, be they loved in God: for they too are +mutable, but in Him are they firmly stablished; else would they pass, +and pass away. In Him then be they beloved; and carry unto Him along +with thee what souls thou canst, and say to them, "Him let us love, Him +let us love: He made these, nor is He far off. For He did not make them, +and so depart, but they are of Him, and in Him. See there He is, where +truth is loved. He is within the very heart, yet hath the heart strayed +from Him. Go back into your heart, ye transgressors, and cleave fast to +Him that made you. Stand with Him, and ye shall stand fast. Rest in Him, +and ye shall be at rest. Whither go ye in rough ways? Whither go ye? +The good that you love is from Him; but it is good and pleasant through +reference to Him, and justly shall it be embittered, because unjustly is +any thing loved which is from Him, if He be forsaken for it. To what end +then would ye still and still walk these difficult and toilsome ways? +There is no rest, where ye seek it. Seek what ye seek; but it is not +there where ye seek. Ye seek a blessed life in the land of death; it is +not there. For how should there be a blessed life where life itself is +not? + +"But our true Life came down hither, and bore our death, and slew him, +out of the abundance of His own life: and He thundered, calling aloud to +us to return hence to Him into that secret place, whence He came forth +to us, first into the Virgin's womb, wherein He espoused the human +creation, our mortal flesh, that it might not be for ever mortal, and +thence like a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, rejoicing as a giant +to run his course. For He lingered not, but ran, calling aloud by words, +deeds, death, life, descent, ascension; crying aloud to us to return +unto Him. And He departed from our eyes, that we might return into our +heart, and there find Him. For He departed, and lo, He is here. He would +not be long with us, yet left us not; for He departed thither, whence +He never parted, because the world was made by Him. And in this world +He was, and into this world He came to save sinners, unto whom my soul +confesseth, and He healeth it, for it hath sinned against Him. O ye sons +of men, how long so slow of heart? Even now, after the descent of Life +to you, will ye not ascend and live? But whither ascend ye, when ye are +on high, and set your mouth against the heavens? Descend, that ye may +ascend, and ascend to God. For ye have fallen, by ascending against +Him." Tell them this, that they may weep in the valley of tears, and +so carry them up with thee unto God; because out of His spirit thou +speakest thus unto them, if thou speakest, burning with the fire of +charity. + +These things I then knew not, and I loved these lower beauties, and I +was sinking to the very depths, and to my friends I said, "Do we love +any thing but the beautiful? What then is the beautiful? and what is +beauty? What is it that attracts and wins us to the things we love? for +unless there were in them a grace and beauty, they could by no +means draw us unto them." And I marked and perceived that in bodies +themselves, there was a beauty, from their forming a sort of whole, and +again, another from apt and mutual correspondence, as of a part of +the body with its whole, or a shoe with a foot, and the like. And this +consideration sprang up in my mind, out of my inmost heart, and I wrote +"on the fair and fit," I think, two or three books. Thou knowest, O +Lord, for it is gone from me; for I have them not, but they are strayed +from me, I know not how. + +But what moved me, O Lord my God, to dedicate these books unto Hierius, +an orator of Rome, whom I knew not by face, but loved for the fame +of his learning which was eminent in him, and some words of his I had +heard, which pleased me? But more did he please me, for that he pleased +others, who highly extolled him, amazed that out of a Syrian, first +instructed in Greek eloquence, should afterwards be formed a wonderful +Latin orator, and one most learned in things pertaining unto philosophy. +One is commended, and, unseen, he is loved: doth this love enter the +heart of the hearer from the mouth of the commender? Not so. But by one +who loveth is another kindled. For hence he is loved who is commended, +when the commender is believed to extol him with an unfeigned heart; +that is, when one that loves him, praises him. + +For so did I then love men, upon the judgment of men, not Thine, O my +God, in Whom no man is deceived. But yet why not for qualities, like +those of a famous charioteer, or fighter with beasts in the theatre, +known far and wide by a vulgar popularity, but far otherwise, and +earnestly, and so as I would be myself commended? For I would not be +commended or loved, as actors are (though I myself did commend and love +them), but had rather be unknown, than so known; and even hated, than +so loved. Where now are the impulses to such various and divers kinds of +loves laid up in one soul? Why, since we are equally men, do I love +in another what, if I did not hate, I should not spurn and cast from +myself? For it holds not, that as a good horse is loved by him, who +would not, though he might, be that horse, therefore the same may be +said of an actor, who shares our nature. Do I then love in a man, what I +hate to be, who am a man? Man himself is a great deep, whose very hairs +Thou numberest, O Lord, and they fall not to the ground without Thee. +And yet are the hairs of his head easier to be numbered than his +feelings, and the beatings of his heart. + +But that orator was of that sort whom I loved, as wishing to be myself +such; and I erred through a swelling pride, and was tossed about with +every wind, but yet was steered by Thee, though very secretly. And +whence do I know, and whence do I confidently confess unto Thee, that +I had loved him more for the love of his commenders, than for the very +things for which he was commended? Because, had he been unpraised, and +these self-same men had dispraised him, and with dispraise and contempt +told the very same things of him, I had never been so kindled and +excited to love him. And yet the things had not been other, nor he +himself other; but only the feelings of the relators. See where the +impotent soul lies along, that is not yet stayed up by the solidity +of truth! Just as the gales of tongues blow from the breast of the +opinionative, so is it carried this way and that, driven forward and +backward, and the light is overclouded to it, and the truth unseen. And +lo, it is before us. And it was to me a great matter, that my discourse +and labours should be known to that man: which should he approve, I were +the more kindled; but if he disapproved, my empty heart, void of Thy +solidity, had been wounded. And yet the "fair and fit," whereon I wrote +to him, I dwelt on with pleasure, and surveyed it, and admired it, +though none joined therein. + +But I saw not yet, whereon this weighty matter turned in Thy wisdom, +O Thou Omnipotent, who only doest wonders; and my mind ranged through +corporeal forms; and "fair," I defined and distinguished what is so +in itself, and "fit," whose beauty is in correspondence to some other +thing: and this I supported by corporeal examples. And I turned to +the nature of the mind, but the false notion which I had of spiritual +things, let me not see the truth. Yet the force of truth did of itself +flash into mine eyes, and I turned away my panting soul from incorporeal +substance to lineaments, and colours, and bulky magnitudes. And not +being able to see these in the mind, I thought I could not see my mind. +And whereas in virtue I loved peace, and in viciousness I abhorred +discord; in the first I observed a unity, but in the other, a sort +of division. And in that unity I conceived the rational soul, and the +nature of truth and of the chief good to consist; but in this division +I miserably imagined there to be some unknown substance of irrational +life, and the nature of the chief evil, which should not only be a +substance, but real life also, and yet not derived from Thee, O my God, +of whom are all things. And yet that first I called a Monad, as it had +been a soul without sex; but the latter a Duad;--anger, in deeds of +violence, and in flagitiousness, lust; not knowing whereof I spake. For +I had not known or learned that neither was evil a substance, nor our +soul that chief and unchangeable good. + +For as deeds of violence arise, if that emotion of the soul be +corrupted, whence vehement action springs, stirring itself insolently +and unrulily; and lusts, when that affection of the soul is ungoverned, +whereby carnal pleasures are drunk in, so do errors and false opinions +defile the conversation, if the reasonable soul itself be corrupted; as +it was then in me, who knew not that it must be enlightened by another +light, that it may be partaker of truth, seeing itself is not that +nature of truth. For Thou shalt light my candle, O Lord my God, Thou +shalt enlighten my darkness: and of Thy fulness have we all received, +for Thou art the true light that lighteth every man that cometh into the +world; for in Thee there is no variableness, neither shadow of change. + +But I pressed towards Thee, and was thrust from Thee, that I might taste +of death: for thou resistest the proud. But what prouder, than for me +with a strange madness to maintain myself to be that by nature which +Thou art? For whereas I was subject to change (so much being manifest +to me, my very desire to become wise, being the wish, of worse to become +better), yet chose I rather to imagine Thee subject to change, and +myself not to be that which Thou art. Therefore I was repelled by Thee, +and Thou resistedst my vain stiffneckedness, and I imagined corporeal +forms, and, myself flesh, I accused flesh; and, a wind that passeth +away, I returned not to Thee, but I passed on and on to things which +have no being, neither in Thee, nor in me, nor in the body. Neither were +they created for me by Thy truth, but by my vanity devised out of +things corporeal. And I was wont to ask Thy faithful little ones, my +fellow-citizens (from whom, unknown to myself, I stood exiled), I was +wont, prating and foolishly, to ask them, "Why then doth the soul err +which God created?" But I would not be asked, "Why then doth God +err?" And I maintained that Thy unchangeable substance did err upon +constraint, rather than confess that my changeable substance had gone +astray voluntarily, and now, in punishment, lay in error. + +I was then some six or seven and twenty years old when I wrote those +volumes; revolving within me corporeal fictions, buzzing in the ears +of my heart, which I turned, O sweet truth, to thy inward melody, +meditating on the "fair and fit," and longing to stand and hearken to +Thee, and to rejoice greatly at the Bridegroom's voice, but could not; +for by the voices of mine own errors, I was hurried abroad, and through +the weight of my own pride, I was sinking into the lowest pit. For Thou +didst not make me to hear joy and gladness, nor did the bones exult +which were not yet humbled. + +And what did it profit me, that scarce twenty years old, a book of +Aristotle, which they call the ten Predicaments, falling into my hands +(on whose very name I hung, as on something great and divine, so often +as my rhetoric master of Carthage, and others, accounted learned, +mouthed it with cheeks bursting with pride), I read and understood it +unaided? And on my conferring with others, who said that they scarcely +understood it with very able tutors, not only orally explaining it, but +drawing many things in sand, they could tell me no more of it than I had +learned, reading it by myself. And the book appeared to me to speak very +clearly of substances, such as "man," and of their qualities, as the +figure of a man, of what sort it is; and stature, how many feet high; +and his relationship, whose brother he is; or where placed; or when +born; or whether he stands or sits; or be shod or armed; or does, or +suffers anything; and all the innumerable things which might be ranged +under these nine Predicaments, of which I have given some specimens, or +under that chief Predicament of Substance. + +What did all this further me, seeing it even hindered me? when, +imagining whatever was, was comprehended under those ten Predicaments, +I essayed in such wise to understand, O my God, Thy wonderful and +unchangeable Unity also, as if Thou also hadst been subjected to Thine +own greatness or beauty; so that (as in bodies) they should exist in +Thee, as their subject: whereas Thou Thyself art Thy greatness and +beauty; but a body is not great or fair in that it is a body, seeing +that, though it were less great or fair, it should notwithstanding be +a body. But it was falsehood which of Thee I conceived, not truth, +fictions of my misery, not the realities of Thy blessedness. For Thou +hadst commanded, and it was done in me, that the earth should bring +forth briars and thorns to me, and that in the sweat of my brows I +should eat my bread. + +And what did it profit me, that all the books I could procure of the +so-called liberal arts, I, the vile slave of vile affections, read by +myself, and understood? And I delighted in them, but knew not whence +came all, that therein was true or certain. For I had my back to the +light, and my face to the things enlightened; whence my face, with which +I discerned the things enlightened, itself was not enlightened. +Whatever was written, either on rhetoric, or logic, geometry, music, +and arithmetic, by myself without much difficulty or any instructor, +I understood, Thou knowest, O Lord my God; because both quickness of +understanding, and acuteness in discerning, is Thy gift: yet did I not +thence sacrifice to Thee. So then it served not to my use, but rather +to my perdition, since I went about to get so good a portion of my +substance into my own keeping; and I kept not my strength for Thee, but +wandered from Thee into a far country, to spend it upon harlotries. For +what profited me good abilities, not employed to good uses? For I felt +not that those arts were attained with great difficulty, even by the +studious and talented, until I attempted to explain them to such; when +he most excelled in them who followed me not altogether slowly. + +But what did this further me, imagining that Thou, O Lord God, the +Truth, wert a vast and bright body, and I a fragment of that body? +Perverseness too great! But such was I. Nor do I blush, O my God, to +confess to Thee Thy mercies towards me, and to call upon Thee, who +blushed not then to profess to men my blasphemies, and to bark against +Thee. What profited me then my nimble wit in those sciences and all +those most knotty volumes, unravelled by me, without aid from human +instruction; seeing I erred so foully, and with such sacrilegious +shamefulness, in the doctrine of piety? Or what hindrance was a far +slower wit to Thy little ones, since they departed not far from Thee, +that in the nest of Thy Church they might securely be fledged, and +nourish the wings of charity, by the food of a sound faith. O Lord our +God, under the shadow of Thy wings let us hope; protect us, and carry +us. Thou wilt carry us both when little, and even to hoar hairs wilt +Thou carry us; for our firmness, when it is Thou, then is it firmness; +but when our own, it is infirmity. Our good ever lives with Thee; +from which when we turn away, we are turned aside. Let us now, O Lord, +return, that we may not be overturned, because with Thee our good lives +without any decay, which good art Thou; nor need we fear, lest there +be no place whither to return, because we fell from it: for through our +absence, our mansion fell not--Thy eternity. + + + + +BOOK V + + +Accept the sacrifice of my confessions from the ministry of my tongue, +which Thou hast formed and stirred up to confess unto Thy name. Heal +Thou all my bones, and let them say, O Lord, who is like unto Thee? For +he who confesses to Thee doth not teach Thee what takes place within +him; seeing a closed heart closes not out Thy eye, nor can man's +hard-heartedness thrust back Thy hand: for Thou dissolvest it at Thy +will in pity or in vengeance, and nothing can hide itself from Thy heat. +But let my soul praise Thee, that it may love Thee; and let it confess +Thy own mercies to Thee, that it may praise Thee. Thy whole creation +ceaseth not, nor is silent in Thy praises; neither the spirit of man +with voice directed unto Thee, nor creation animate or inanimate, by the +voice of those who meditate thereon: that so our souls may from their +weariness arise towards Thee, leaning on those things which Thou hast +created, and passing on to Thyself, who madest them wonderfully; and +there is refreshment and true strength. + +Let the restless, the godless, depart and flee from Thee; yet Thou seest +them, and dividest the darkness. And behold, the universe with them is +fair, though they are foul. And how have they injured Thee? or how have +they disgraced Thy government, which, from the heaven to this lowest +earth, is just and perfect? For whither fled they, when they fled from +Thy presence? or where dost not Thou find them? But they fled, that they +might not see Thee seeing them, and, blinded, might stumble against Thee +(because Thou forsakest nothing Thou hast made); that the unjust, I say, +might stumble upon Thee, and justly be hurt; withdrawing themselves from +thy gentleness, and stumbling at Thy uprightness, and falling upon their +own ruggedness. Ignorant, in truth, that Thou art every where, Whom no +place encompasseth! and Thou alone art near, even to those that remove +far from Thee. Let them then be turned, and seek Thee; because not as +they have forsaken their Creator, hast Thou forsaken Thy creation. Let +them be turned and seek Thee; and behold, Thou art there in their heart, +in the heart of those that confess to Thee, and cast themselves upon +Thee, and weep in Thy bosom, after all their rugged ways. Then dost +Thou gently wipe away their tears, and they weep the more, and joy +in weeping; even for that Thou, Lord,--not man of flesh and blood, +but--Thou, Lord, who madest them, re-makest and comfortest them. But +where was I, when I was seeking Thee? And Thou wert before me, but I had +gone away from Thee; nor did I find myself, how much less Thee! + +I would lay open before my God that nine-and-twentieth year of mine +age. There had then come to Carthage a certain Bishop of the Manichees, +Faustus by name, a great snare of the Devil, and many were entangled +by him through that lure of his smooth language: which though I did +commend, yet could I separate from the truth of the things which I was +earnest to learn: nor did I so much regard the service of oratory as the +science which this Faustus, so praised among them, set before me to +feed upon. Fame had before bespoken him most knowing in all valuable +learning, and exquisitely skilled in the liberal sciences. And since I +had read and well remembered much of the philosophers, I compared some +things of theirs with those long fables of the Manichees, and found the +former the more probable; even although they could only prevail so far +as to make judgment of this lower world, the Lord of it they could by +no means find out. For Thou art great, O Lord, and hast respect unto the +humble, but the proud Thou beholdest afar off. Nor dost Thou draw near, +but to the contrite in heart, nor art found by the proud, no, not though +by curious skill they could number the stars and the sand, and measure +the starry heavens, and track the courses of the planets. + +For with their understanding and wit, which Thou bestowedst on them, +they search out these things; and much have they found out; and +foretold, many years before, eclipses of those luminaries, the sun +and moon,--what day and hour, and how many digits,--nor did their +calculation fail; and it came to pass as they foretold; and they wrote +down the rules they had found out, and these are read at this day, and +out of them do others foretell in what year and month of the year, and +what day of the month, and what hour of the day, and what part of its +light, moon or sun is to be eclipsed, and so it shall be, as it is +foreshowed. At these things men, that know not this art, marvel and are +astonished, and they that know it, exult, and are puffed up; and by +an ungodly pride departing from Thee, and failing of Thy light, they +foresee a failure of the sun's light, which shall be, so long before, +but see not their own, which is. For they search not religiously whence +they have the wit, wherewith they search out this. And finding that Thou +madest them, they give not themselves up to Thee, to preserve what Thou +madest, nor sacrifice to Thee what they have made themselves; nor slay +their own soaring imaginations, as fowls of the air, nor their own +diving curiosities (wherewith, like the fishes of the sea, they wander +over the unknown paths of the abyss), nor their own luxuriousness, as +beasts of the field, that Thou, Lord, a consuming fire, mayest burn up +those dead cares of theirs, and re-create themselves immortally. + +But they knew not the way, Thy Word, by Whom Thou madest these things +which they number, and themselves who number, and the sense whereby +they perceive what they number, and the understanding, out of which they +number; or that of Thy wisdom there is no number. But the Only Begotten +is Himself made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, +and was numbered among us, and paid tribute unto Caesar. They knew not +this way whereby to descend to Him from themselves, and by Him ascend +unto Him. They knew not this way, and deemed themselves exalted amongst +the stars and shining; and behold, they fell upon the earth, and their +foolish heart was darkened. They discourse many things truly concerning +the creature; but Truth, Artificer of the creature, they seek not +piously, and therefore find Him not; or if they find Him, knowing Him +to be God, they glorify Him not as God, neither are thankful, but +become vain in their imaginations, and profess themselves to be wise, +attributing to themselves what is Thine; and thereby with most perverse +blindness, study to impute to Thee what is their own, forging lies of +Thee who art the Truth, and changing the glory of uncorruptible God +into an image made like corruptible man, and to birds, and four-footed +beasts, and creeping things, changing Thy truth into a lie, and +worshipping and serving the creature more than the Creator. + +Yet many truths concerning the creature retained I from these men, and +saw the reason thereof from calculations, the succession of times, and +the visible testimonies of the stars; and compared them with the saying +of Manichaeus, which in his frenzy he had written most largely on these +subjects; but discovered not any account of the solstices, or equinoxes, +or the eclipses of the greater lights, nor whatever of this sort I +had learned in the books of secular philosophy. But I was commanded to +believe; and yet it corresponded not with what had been established by +calculations and my own sight, but was quite contrary. + +Doth then, O Lord God of truth, whoso knoweth these things, therefore +please Thee? Surely unhappy is he who knoweth all these, and knoweth not +Thee: but happy whoso knoweth Thee, though he know not these. And whoso +knoweth both Thee and them is not the happier for them, but for Thee +only, if, knowing Thee, he glorifies Thee as God, and is thankful, and +becomes not vain in his imaginations. For as he is better off who knows +how to possess a tree, and return thanks to Thee for the use thereof, +although he know not how many cubits high it is, or how wide it spreads, +than he that can measure it, and count all its boughs, and neither owns +it, nor knows or loves its Creator: so a believer, whose all this world +of wealth is, and who having nothing, yet possesseth all things, by +cleaving unto Thee, whom all things serve, though he know not even +the circles of the Great Bear, yet is it folly to doubt but he is in a +better state than one who can measure the heavens, and number the stars, +and poise the elements, yet neglecteth Thee who hast made all things in +number, weight, and measure. + +But yet who bade that Manichaeus write on these things also, skill in +which was no element of piety? For Thou hast said to man, Behold +piety and wisdom; of which he might be ignorant, though he had perfect +knowledge of these things; but these things, since, knowing not, he most +impudently dared to teach, he plainly could have no knowledge of piety. +For it is vanity to make profession of these worldly things even when +known; but confession to Thee is piety. Wherefore this wanderer to this +end spake much of these things, that convicted by those who had truly +learned them, it might be manifest what understanding he had in the +other abstruser things. For he would not have himself meanly thought of, +but went about to persuade men, "That the Holy Ghost, the Comforter and +Enricher of Thy faithful ones, was with plenary authority personally +within him." When then he was found out to have taught falsely of the +heaven and stars, and of the motions of the sun and moon (although these +things pertain not to the doctrine of religion), yet his sacrilegious +presumption would become evident enough, seeing he delivered things +which not only he knew not, but which were falsified, with so mad a +vanity of pride, that he sought to ascribe them to himself, as to a +divine person. + +For when I hear any Christian brother ignorant of these things, and +mistaken on them, I can patiently behold such a man holding his opinion; +nor do I see that any ignorance as to the position or character of the +corporeal creation can injure him, so long as he doth not believe any +thing unworthy of Thee, O Lord, the Creator of all. But it doth injure +him, if he imagine it to pertain to the form of the doctrine of piety, +and will yet affirm that too stiffly whereof he is ignorant. And yet +is even such an infirmity, in the infancy of faith, borne by our mother +Charity, till the new-born may grow up unto a perfect man, so as not +to be carried about with every wind of doctrine. But in him who in such +wise presumed to be the teacher, source, guide, chief of all whom he +could so persuade, that whoso followed him thought that he followed, +not a mere man, but Thy Holy Spirit; who would not judge that so great +madness, when once convicted of having taught any thing false, were +to be detested and utterly rejected? But I had not as yet clearly +ascertained whether the vicissitudes of longer and shorter days and +nights, and of day and night itself, with the eclipses of the greater +lights, and whatever else of the kind I had read of in other books, +might be explained consistently with his sayings; so that, if they by +any means might, it should still remain a question to me whether it +were so or no; but I might, on account of his reputed sanctity, rest my +credence upon his authority. + +And for almost all those nine years, wherein with unsettled mind I had +been their disciple, I had longed but too intensely for the coming of +this Faustus. For the rest of the sect, whom by chance I had lighted +upon, when unable to solve my objections about these things, still held +out to me the coming of this Faustus, by conference with whom these +and greater difficulties, if I had them, were to be most readily and +abundantly cleared. When then he came, I found him a man of pleasing +discourse, and who could speak fluently and in better terms, yet still +but the self-same things which they were wont to say. But what availed +the utmost neatness of the cup-bearer to my thirst for a more precious +draught? Mine ears were already cloyed with the like, nor did they seem +to me therefore better, because better said; nor therefore true, because +eloquent; nor the soul therefore wise, because the face was comely, +and the language graceful. But they who held him out to me were no good +judges of things; and therefore to them he appeared understanding and +wise, because in words pleasing. I felt however that another sort of +people were suspicious even of truth, and refused to assent to it, if +delivered in a smooth and copious discourse. But Thou, O my God, hadst +already taught me by wonderful and secret ways, and therefore I believe +that Thou taughtest me, because it is truth, nor is there besides Thee +any teacher of truth, where or whencesoever it may shine upon us. Of +Thyself therefore had I now learned, that neither ought any thing to +seem to be spoken truly, because eloquently; nor therefore falsely, +because the utterance of the lips is inharmonious; nor, again, therefore +true, because rudely delivered; nor therefore false, because the +language is rich; but that wisdom and folly are as wholesome and +unwholesome food; and adorned or unadorned phrases as courtly or country +vessels; either kind of meats may be served up in either kind of dishes. + +That greediness then, wherewith I had of so long time expected that man, +was delighted verily with his action and feeling when disputing, and his +choice and readiness of words to clothe his ideas. I was then delighted, +and, with many others and more than they, did I praise and extol him. +It troubled me, however, that in the assembly of his auditors, I was not +allowed to put in and communicate those questions that troubled me, +in familiar converse with him. Which when I might, and with my friends +began to engage his ears at such times as it was not unbecoming for him +to discuss with me, and had brought forward such things as moved me; I +found him first utterly ignorant of liberal sciences, save grammar, and +that but in an ordinary way. But because he had read some of Tully's +Orations, a very few books of Seneca, some things of the poets, and such +few volumes of his own sect as were written in Latin and neatly, and +was daily practised in speaking, he acquired a certain eloquence, which +proved the more pleasing and seductive because under the guidance of a +good wit, and with a kind of natural gracefulness. Is it not thus, as I +recall it, O Lord my God, Thou judge of my conscience? before Thee is +my heart, and my remembrance, Who didst at that time direct me by the +hidden mystery of Thy providence, and didst set those shameful errors of +mine before my face, that I might see and hate them. + +For after it was clear that he was ignorant of those arts in which I +thought he excelled, I began to despair of his opening and solving the +difficulties which perplexed me (of which indeed however ignorant, he +might have held the truths of piety, had he not been a Manichee). For +their books are fraught with prolix fables, of the heaven, and stars, +sun, and moon, and I now no longer thought him able satisfactorily to +decide what I much desired, whether, on comparison of these things with +the calculations I had elsewhere read, the account given in the books of +Manichaeus were preferable, or at least as good. Which when I proposed +to be considered and discussed, he, so far modestly, shrunk from the +burthen. For he knew that he knew not these things, and was not ashamed +to confess it. For he was not one of those talking persons, many of whom +I had endured, who undertook to teach me these things, and said nothing. +But this man had a heart, though not right towards Thee, yet neither +altogether treacherous to himself. For he was not altogether ignorant of +his own ignorance, nor would he rashly be entangled in a dispute, whence +he could neither retreat nor extricate himself fairly. Even for this I +liked him the better. For fairer is the modesty of a candid mind, than +the knowledge of those things which I desired; and such I found him, in +all the more difficult and subtile questions. + +My zeal for the writings of Manichaeus being thus blunted, and +despairing yet more of their other teachers, seeing that in divers +things which perplexed me, he, so renowned among them, had so turned +out; I began to engage with him in the study of that literature, on +which he also was much set (and which as rhetoric-reader I was at that +time teaching young students at Carthage), and to read with him, either +what himself desired to hear, or such as I judged fit for his genius. +But all my efforts whereby I had purposed to advance in that sect, +upon knowledge of that man, came utterly to an end; not that I detached +myself from them altogether, but as one finding nothing better, I had +settled to be content meanwhile with what I had in whatever way fallen +upon, unless by chance something more eligible should dawn upon me. +Thus, that Faustus, to so many a snare of death, had now neither willing +nor witting it, begun to loosen that wherein I was taken. For Thy hands, +O my God, in the secret purpose of Thy providence, did not forsake my +soul; and out of my mother's heart's blood, through her tears night and +day poured out, was a sacrifice offered for me unto Thee; and Thou didst +deal with me by wondrous ways. Thou didst it, O my God: for the steps +of a man are ordered by the Lord, and He shall dispose his way. Or how +shall we obtain salvation, but from Thy hand, re-making what it made? + +Thou didst deal with me, that I should be persuaded to go to Rome, and +to teach there rather, what I was teaching at Carthage. And how I was +persuaded to this, I will not neglect to confess to Thee; because herein +also the deepest recesses of Thy wisdom, and Thy most present mercy to +us, must be considered and confessed. I did not wish therefore to go to +Rome, because higher gains and higher dignities were warranted me by my +friends who persuaded me to this (though even these things had at that +time an influence over my mind), but my chief and almost only reason +was, that I heard that young men studied there more peacefully, and were +kept quiet under a restraint of more regular discipline; so that they +did not, at their pleasures, petulantly rush into the school of +one whose pupils they were not, nor were even admitted without his +permission. Whereas at Carthage there reigns among the scholars a most +disgraceful and unruly licence. They burst in audaciously, and +with gestures almost frantic, disturb all order which any one hath +established for the good of his scholars. Divers outrages they commit, +with a wonderful stolidity, punishable by law, did not custom uphold +them; that custom evincing them to be the more miserable, in that they +now do as lawful what by Thy eternal law shall never be lawful; and they +think they do it unpunished, whereas they are punished with the very +blindness whereby they do it, and suffer incomparably worse than what +they do. The manners then which, when a student, I would not make my +own, I was fain as a teacher to endure in others: and so I was well +pleased to go where, all that knew it, assured me that the like was not +done. But Thou, my refuge and my portion in the land of the living; +that I might change my earthly dwelling for the salvation of my soul, +at Carthage didst goad me, that I might thereby be torn from it; and at +Rome didst proffer me allurements, whereby I might be drawn thither, +by men in love with a dying life, the one doing frantic, the other +promising vain, things; and, to correct my steps, didst secretly use +their and my own perverseness. For both they who disturbed my quiet were +blinded with a disgraceful frenzy, and they who invited me elsewhere +savoured of earth. And I, who here detested real misery, was there +seeking unreal happiness. + +But why I went hence, and went thither, Thou knewest, O God, yet +showedst it neither to me, nor to my mother, who grievously bewailed my +journey, and followed me as far as the sea. But I deceived her, holding +me by force, that either she might keep me back or go with me, and I +feigned that I had a friend whom I could not leave, till he had a fair +wind to sail. And I lied to my mother, and such a mother, and escaped: +for this also hast Thou mercifully forgiven me, preserving me, thus full +of execrable defilements, from the waters of the sea, for the water of +Thy Grace; whereby when I was cleansed, the streams of my mother's eyes +should be dried, with which for me she daily watered the ground under +her face. And yet refusing to return without me, I scarcely persuaded +her to stay that night in a place hard by our ship, where was an Oratory +in memory of the blessed Cyprian. That night I privily departed, but she +was not behind in weeping and prayer. And what, O Lord, was she with so +many tears asking of Thee, but that Thou wouldest not suffer me to sail? +But Thou, in the depth of Thy counsels and hearing the main point of her +desire, regardest not what she then asked, that Thou mightest make me +what she ever asked. The wind blew and swelled our sails, and withdrew +the shore from our sight; and she on the morrow was there, frantic with +sorrow, and with complaints and groans filled Thine ears, Who didst then +disregard them; whilst through my desires, Thou wert hurrying me to end +all desire, and the earthly part of her affection to me was chastened +by the allotted scourge of sorrows. For she loved my being with her, as +mothers do, but much more than many; and she knew not how great joy Thou +wert about to work for her out of my absence. She knew not; therefore +did she weep and wail, and by this agony there appeared in her the +inheritance of Eve, with sorrow seeking what in sorrow she had brought +forth. And yet, after accusing my treachery and hardheartedness, she +betook herself again to intercede to Thee for me, went to her wonted +place, and I to Rome. + +And lo, there was I received by the scourge of bodily sickness, and I +was going down to hell, carrying all the sins which I had committed, +both against Thee, and myself, and others, many and grievous, over and +above that bond of original sin, whereby we all die in Adam. For +Thou hadst not forgiven me any of these things in Christ, nor had He +abolished by His Cross the enmity which by my sins I had incurred with +Thee. For how should He, by the crucifixion of a phantasm, which I +believed Him to be? So true, then, was the death of my soul, as that +of His flesh seemed to me false; and how true the death of His body, +so false was the life of my soul, which did not believe it. And now the +fever heightening, I was parting and departing for ever. For had I then +parted hence, whither had I departed, but into fire and torments, such +as my misdeeds deserved in the truth of Thy appointment? And this she +knew not, yet in absence prayed for me. But Thou, everywhere present, +heardest her where she was, and, where I was, hadst compassion upon me; +that I should recover the health of my body, though frenzied as yet +in my sacrilegious heart. For I did not in all that danger desire Thy +baptism; and I was better as a boy, when I begged it of my mother's +piety, as I have before recited and confessed. But I had grown up to my +own shame, and I madly scoffed at the prescripts of Thy medicine, who +wouldest not suffer me, being such, to die a double death. With which +wound had my mother's heart been pierced, it could never be healed. For +I cannot express the affection she bore to me, and with how much more +vehement anguish she was now in labour of me in the spirit, than at her +childbearing in the flesh. + +I see not then how she should have been healed, had such a death of mine +stricken through the bowels of her love. And where would have been those +her so strong and unceasing prayers, unintermitting to Thee alone? But +wouldest Thou, God of mercies, despise the contrite and humbled heart of +that chaste and sober widow, so frequent in almsdeeds, so full of duty +and service to Thy saints, no day intermitting the oblation at Thine +altar, twice a day, morning and evening, without any intermission, +coming to Thy church, not for idle tattlings and old wives' fables; but +that she might hear Thee in Thy discourses, and Thou her in her prayers. +Couldest Thou despise and reject from Thy aid the tears of such an one, +wherewith she begged of Thee not gold or silver, nor any mutable or +passing good, but the salvation of her son's soul? Thou, by whose gift +she was such? Never, Lord. Yea, Thou wert at hand, and wert hearing and +doing, in that order wherein Thou hadst determined before that it should +be done. Far be it that Thou shouldest deceive her in Thy visions and +answers, some whereof I have, some I have not mentioned, which she laid +up in her faithful heart, and ever praying, urged upon Thee, as +Thine own handwriting. For Thou, because Thy mercy endureth for ever, +vouchsafest to those to whom Thou forgivest all of their debts, to +become also a debtor by Thy promises. + +Thou recoveredst me then of that sickness, and healedst the son of Thy +handmaid, for the time in body, that he might live, for Thee to bestow +upon him a better and more abiding health. And even then, at Rome, I +joined myself to those deceiving and deceived "holy ones"; not with +their disciples only (of which number was he, in whose house I had +fallen sick and recovered); but also with those whom they call "The +Elect." For I still thought "that it was not we that sin, but that I +know not what other nature sinned in us"; and it delighted my pride, to +be free from blame; and when I had done any evil, not to confess I had +done any, that Thou mightest heal my soul because it had sinned against +Thee: but I loved to excuse it, and to accuse I know not what other +thing, which was with me, but which I was not. But in truth it was +wholly I, and mine impiety had divided me against myself: and that sin +was the more incurable, whereby I did not judge myself a sinner; and +execrable iniquity it was, that I had rather have Thee, Thee, O God +Almighty, to be overcome in me to my destruction, than myself of Thee to +salvation. Not as yet then hadst Thou set a watch before my mouth, and a +door of safe keeping around my lips, that my heart might not turn +aside to wicked speeches, to make excuses of sins, with men that work +iniquity; and, therefore, was I still united with their Elect. + +But now despairing to make proficiency in that false doctrine, even +those things (with which if I should find no better, I had resolved to +rest contented) I now held more laxly and carelessly. For there half +arose a thought in me that those philosophers, whom they call Academics, +were wiser than the rest, for that they held men ought to doubt +everything, and laid down that no truth can be comprehended by man: +for so, not then understanding even their meaning, I also was clearly +convinced that they thought, as they are commonly reported. Yet did I +freely and openly discourage that host of mine from that over-confidence +which I perceived him to have in those fables, which the books of +Manichaeus are full of. Yet I lived in more familiar friendship with +them, than with others who were not of this heresy. Nor did I maintain +it with my ancient eagerness; still my intimacy with that sect (Rome +secretly harbouring many of them) made me slower to seek any other way: +especially since I despaired of finding the truth, from which they had +turned me aside, in Thy Church, O Lord of heaven and earth, Creator of +all things visible and invisible: and it seemed to me very unseemly to +believe Thee to have the shape of human flesh, and to be bounded by the +bodily lineaments of our members. And because, when I wished to think on +my God, I knew not what to think of, but a mass of bodies (for what was +not such did not seem to me to be anything), this was the greatest, and +almost only cause of my inevitable error. + +For hence I believed Evil also to be some such kind of substance, and +to have its own foul and hideous bulk; whether gross, which they called +earth, or thin and subtile (like the body of the air), which they +imagine to be some malignant mind, creeping through that earth. And +because a piety, such as it was, constrained me to believe that the good +God never created any evil nature, I conceived two masses, contrary +to one another, both unbounded, but the evil narrower, the good more +expansive. And from this pestilent beginning, the other sacrilegious +conceits followed on me. For when my mind endeavoured to recur to the +Catholic faith, I was driven back, since that was not the Catholic faith +which I thought to be so. And I seemed to myself more reverential, if I +believed of Thee, my God (to whom Thy mercies confess out of my mouth), +as unbounded, at least on other sides, although on that one where the +mass of evil was opposed to Thee, I was constrained to confess Thee +bounded; than if on all sides I should imagine Thee to be bounded by the +form of a human body. And it seemed to me better to believe Thee to have +created no evil (which to me ignorant seemed not some only, but a bodily +substance, because I could not conceive of mind unless as a subtile +body, and that diffused in definite spaces), than to believe the nature +of evil, such as I conceived it, could come from Thee. Yea, and our +Saviour Himself, Thy Only Begotten, I believed to have been reached +forth (as it were) for our salvation, out of the mass of Thy most lucid +substance, so as to believe nothing of Him, but what I could imagine in +my vanity. His Nature then, being such, I thought could not be born +of the Virgin Mary, without being mingled with the flesh: and how that +which I had so figured to myself could be mingled, and not defiled, I +saw not. I feared therefore to believe Him born in the flesh, lest +I should be forced to believe Him defiled by the flesh. Now will Thy +spiritual ones mildly and lovingly smile upon me, if they shall read +these my confessions. Yet such was I. + +Furthermore, what the Manichees had criticised in Thy Scriptures, I +thought could not be defended; yet at times verily I had a wish to +confer upon these several points with some one very well skilled in +those books, and to make trial what he thought thereon; for the words +of one Helpidius, as he spoke and disputed face to face against the +said Manichees, had begun to stir me even at Carthage: in that he +had produced things out of the Scriptures, not easily withstood, the +Manichees' answer whereto seemed to me weak. And this answer they +liked not to give publicly, but only to us in private. It was, that the +Scriptures of the New Testament had been corrupted by I know not whom, +who wished to engraff the law of the Jews upon the Christian faith: yet +themselves produced not any uncorrupted copies. But I, conceiving of +things corporeal only, was mainly held down, vehemently oppressed and +in a manner suffocated by those "masses"; panting under which after the +breath of Thy truth, I could not breathe it pure and untainted. + +I began then diligently to practise that for which I came to Rome, to +teach rhetoric; and first, to gather some to my house, to whom, and +through whom, I had begun to be known; when lo, I found other offences +committed in Rome, to which I was not exposed in Africa. True, those +"subvertings" by profligate young men were not here practised, as was +told me: but on a sudden, said they, to avoid paying their +master's stipend, a number of youths plot together, and remove to +another;--breakers of faith, who for love of money hold justice cheap. +These also my heart hated, though not with a perfect hatred: for +perchance I hated them more because I was to suffer by them, than +because they did things utterly unlawful. Of a truth such are base +persons, and they go a whoring from Thee, loving these fleeting +mockeries of things temporal, and filthy lucre, which fouls the hand +that grasps it; hugging the fleeting world, and despising Thee, Who +abidest, and recallest, and forgivest the adulteress soul of man, when +she returns to Thee. And now I hate such depraved and crooked persons, +though I love them if corrigible, so as to prefer to money the learning +which they acquire, and to learning, Thee, O God, the truth and fulness +of assured good, and most pure peace. But then I rather for my own sake +misliked them evil, than liked and wished them good for Thine. + +When therefore they of Milan had sent to Rome to the prefect of the +city, to furnish them with a rhetoric reader for their city, and sent +him at the public expense, I made application (through those very +persons, intoxicated with Manichaean vanities, to be freed wherefrom +I was to go, neither of us however knowing it) that Symmachus, then +prefect of the city, would try me by setting me some subject, and so +send me. To Milan I came, to Ambrose the Bishop, known to the whole +world as among the best of men, Thy devout servant; whose eloquent +discourse did then plentifully dispense unto Thy people the flour of Thy +wheat, the gladness of Thy oil, and the sober inebriation of Thy wine. +To him was I unknowing led by Thee, that by him I might knowingly be +led to Thee. That man of God received me as a father, and showed me an +Episcopal kindness on my coming. Thenceforth I began to love him, at +first indeed not as a teacher of the truth (which I utterly despaired +of in Thy Church), but as a person kind towards myself. And I listened +diligently to him preaching to the people, not with that intent I ought, +but, as it were, trying his eloquence, whether it answered the fame +thereof, or flowed fuller or lower than was reported; and I hung on his +words attentively; but of the matter I was as a careless and scornful +looker-on; and I was delighted with the sweetness of his discourse, +more recondite, yet in manner less winning and harmonious, than that of +Faustus. Of the matter, however, there was no comparison; for the one +was wandering amid Manichaean delusions, the other teaching salvation +most soundly. But salvation is far from sinners, such as I then stood +before him; and yet was I drawing nearer by little and little, and +unconsciously. + +For though I took no pains to learn what he spake, but only to hear how +he spake (for that empty care alone was left me, despairing of a way, +open for man, to Thee), yet together with the words which I would +choose, came also into my mind the things which I would refuse; for +I could not separate them. And while I opened my heart to admit "how +eloquently he spake," there also entered "how truly he spake"; but this +by degrees. For first, these things also had now begun to appear to +me capable of defence; and the Catholic faith, for which I had thought +nothing could be said against the Manichees' objections, I now thought +might be maintained without shamelessness; especially after I had heard +one or two places of the Old Testament resolved, and ofttimes "in a +figure," which when I understood literally, I was slain spiritually. +Very many places then of those books having been explained, I now blamed +my despair, in believing that no answer could be given to such as hated +and scoffed at the Law and the Prophets. Yet did I not therefore then +see that the Catholic way was to be held, because it also could find +learned maintainers, who could at large and with some show of reason +answer objections; nor that what I held was therefore to be condemned, +because both sides could be maintained. For the Catholic cause seemed to +me in such sort not vanquished, as still not as yet to be victorious. + +Hereupon I earnestly bent my mind, to see if in any way I could by any +certain proof convict the Manichees of falsehood. Could I once have +conceived a spiritual substance, all their strongholds had been beaten +down, and cast utterly out of my mind; but I could not. Notwithstanding, +concerning the frame of this world, and the whole of nature, which the +senses of the flesh can reach to, as I more and more considered and +compared things, I judged the tenets of most of the philosophers to have +been much more probable. So then after the manner of the Academics (as +they are supposed) doubting of every thing, and wavering between all, I +settled so far, that the Manichees were to be abandoned; judging that, +even while doubting, I might not continue in that sect, to which I +already preferred some of the philosophers; to which philosophers +notwithstanding, for that they were without the saving Name of Christ, +I utterly refused to commit the cure of my sick soul. I determined +therefore so long to be a Catechumen in the Catholic Church, to which +I had been commended by my parents, till something certain should dawn +upon me, whither I might steer my course. + + + + +BOOK VI + + +O Thou, my hope from my youth, where wert Thou to me, and whither wert +Thou gone? Hadst not Thou created me, and separated me from the beasts +of the field, and fowls of the air? Thou hadst made me wiser, yet did I +walk in darkness, and in slippery places, and sought Thee abroad out of +myself, and found not the God of my heart; and had come into the depths +of the sea, and distrusted and despaired of ever finding truth. My +mother had now come to me, resolute through piety, following me over sea +and land, in all perils confiding in Thee. For in perils of the sea, she +comforted the very mariners (by whom passengers unacquainted with the +deep, use rather to be comforted when troubled), assuring them of a safe +arrival, because Thou hadst by a vision assured her thereof. She found +me in grievous peril, through despair of ever finding truth. But when +I had discovered to her that I was now no longer a Manichee, though +not yet a Catholic Christian, she was not overjoyed, as at something +unexpected; although she was now assured concerning that part of my +misery, for which she bewailed me as one dead, though to be reawakened +by Thee, carrying me forth upon the bier of her thoughts, that Thou +mightest say to the son of the widow, Young man, I say unto thee, Arise; +and he should revive, and begin to speak, and Thou shouldest deliver him +to his mother. Her heart then was shaken with no tumultuous exultation, +when she heard that what she daily with tears desired of Thee was +already in so great part realised; in that, though I had not yet +attained the truth, I was rescued from falsehood; but, as being assured, +that Thou, Who hadst promised the whole, wouldest one day give the rest, +most calmly, and with a heart full of confidence, she replied to me, +"She believed in Christ, that before she departed this life, she should +see me a Catholic believer." Thus much to me. But to Thee, Fountain +of mercies, poured she forth more copious prayers and tears, that Thou +wouldest hasten Thy help, and enlighten my darkness; and she hastened +the more eagerly to the Church, and hung upon the lips of Ambrose, +praying for the fountain of that water, which springeth up unto life +everlasting. But that man she loved as an angel of God, because she knew +that by him I had been brought for the present to that doubtful state of +faith I now was in, through which she anticipated most confidently that +I should pass from sickness unto health, after the access, as it were, +of a sharper fit, which physicians call "the crisis." + +When then my mother had once, as she was wont in Afric, brought to the +Churches built in memory of the Saints, certain cakes, and bread and +wine, and was forbidden by the door-keeper; so soon as she knew that the +Bishop had forbidden this, she so piously and obediently embraced +his wishes, that I myself wondered how readily she censured her own +practice, rather than discuss his prohibition. For wine-bibbing did not +lay siege to her spirit, nor did love of wine provoke her to hatred of +the truth, as it doth too many (both men and women), who revolt at a +lesson of sobriety, as men well-drunk at a draught mingled with +water. But she, when she had brought her basket with the accustomed +festival-food, to be but tasted by herself, and then given away, never +joined therewith more than one small cup of wine, diluted according to +her own abstemious habits, which for courtesy she would taste. And if +there were many churches of the departed saints that were to be honoured +in that manner, she still carried round that same one cup, to be +used every where; and this, though not only made very watery, but +unpleasantly heated with carrying about, she would distribute to those +about her by small sips; for she sought there devotion, not pleasure. +So soon, then, as she found this custom to be forbidden by that famous +preacher and most pious prelate, even to those that would use it +soberly, lest so an occasion of excess might be given to the drunken; +and for these, as it were, anniversary funeral solemnities did much +resemble the superstition of the Gentiles, she most willingly forbare +it: and for a basket filled with fruits of the earth, she had learned to +bring to the Churches of the martyrs a breast filled with more +purified petitions, and to give what she could to the poor; that so +the communication of the Lord's Body might be there rightly celebrated, +where, after the example of His Passion, the martyrs had been sacrificed +and crowned. But yet it seems to me, O Lord my God, and thus thinks my +heart of it in Thy sight, that perhaps she would not so readily have +yielded to the cutting off of this custom, had it been forbidden by +another, whom she loved not as Ambrose, whom, for my salvation, +she loved most entirely; and he her again, for her most religious +conversation, whereby in good works, so fervent in spirit, she was +constant at church; so that, when he saw me, he often burst forth into +her praises; congratulating me that I had such a mother; not knowing +what a son she had in me, who doubted of all these things, and imagined +the way to life could not be found out. + +Nor did I yet groan in my prayers, that Thou wouldest help me; but +my spirit was wholly intent on learning, and restless to dispute. And +Ambrose himself, as the world counts happy, I esteemed a happy man, whom +personages so great held in such honour; only his celibacy seemed to me +a painful course. But what hope he bore within him, what struggles he +had against the temptations which beset his very excellencies, or what +comfort in adversities, and what sweet joys Thy Bread had for the hidden +mouth of his spirit, when chewing the cud thereof, I neither could +conjecture, nor had experienced. Nor did he know the tides of my +feelings, or the abyss of my danger. For I could not ask of him, what +I would as I would, being shut out both from his ear and speech by +multitudes of busy people, whose weaknesses he served. With whom when he +was not taken up (which was but a little time), he was either refreshing +his body with the sustenance absolutely necessary, or his mind with +reading. But when he was reading, his eye glided over the pages, and +his heart searched out the sense, but his voice and tongue were at rest. +Ofttimes when we had come (for no man was forbidden to enter, nor was it +his wont that any who came should be announced to him), we saw him thus +reading to himself, and never otherwise; and having long sat silent +(for who durst intrude on one so intent?) we were fain to depart, +conjecturing that in the small interval which he obtained, free from the +din of others' business, for the recruiting of his mind, he was loth to +be taken off; and perchance he dreaded lest if the author he read should +deliver any thing obscurely, some attentive or perplexed hearer should +desire him to expound it, or to discuss some of the harder questions; so +that his time being thus spent, he could not turn over so many volumes +as he desired; although the preserving of his voice (which a very little +speaking would weaken) might be the truer reason for his reading to +himself. But with what intent soever he did it, certainly in such a man +it was good. + +I however certainly had no opportunity of enquiring what I wished of +that so holy oracle of Thine, his breast, unless the thing might be +answered briefly. But those tides in me, to be poured out to him, +required his full leisure, and never found it. I heard him indeed every +Lord's day, rightly expounding the Word of truth among the people; and +I was more and more convinced that all the knots of those crafty +calumnies, which those our deceivers had knit against the Divine Books, +could be unravelled. But when I understood withal, that "man created +by Thee, after Thine own image," was not so understood by Thy spiritual +sons, whom of the Catholic Mother Thou hast born again through grace, +as though they believed and conceived of Thee as bounded by human shape +(although what a spiritual substance should be I had not even a faint or +shadowy notion); yet, with joy I blushed at having so many years barked +not against the Catholic faith, but against the fictions of carnal +imaginations. For so rash and impious had I been, that what I ought by +enquiring to have learned, I had pronounced on, condemning. For Thou, +Most High, and most near; most secret, and most present; Who hast not +limbs some larger, some smaller, but art wholly every where, and no +where in space, art not of such corporeal shape, yet hast Thou made man +after Thine own image; and behold, from head to foot is he contained in +space. + +Ignorant then how this Thy image should subsist, I should have knocked +and proposed the doubt, how it was to be believed, not insultingly +opposed it, as if believed. Doubt, then, what to hold for certain, +the more sharply gnawed my heart, the more ashamed I was, that so long +deluded and deceived by the promise of certainties, I had with childish +error and vehemence, prated of so many uncertainties. For that they were +falsehoods became clear to me later. However I was certain that they +were uncertain, and that I had formerly accounted them certain, when +with a blind contentiousness, I accused Thy Catholic Church, whom I now +discovered, not indeed as yet to teach truly, but at least not to teach +that for which I had grievously censured her. So I was confounded, and +converted: and I joyed, O my God, that the One Only Church, the body of +Thine Only Son (wherein the name of Christ had been put upon me as an +infant), had no taste for infantine conceits; nor in her sound doctrine +maintained any tenet which should confine Thee, the Creator of all, in +space, however great and large, yet bounded every where by the limits of +a human form. + +I joyed also that the old Scriptures of the law and the Prophets were +laid before me, not now to be perused with that eye to which before they +seemed absurd, when I reviled Thy holy ones for so thinking, whereas +indeed they thought not so: and with joy I heard Ambrose in his sermons +to the people, oftentimes most diligently recommend this text for a +rule, The letter killeth, but the Spirit giveth life; whilst he drew +aside the mystic veil, laying open spiritually what, according to the +letter, seemed to teach something unsound; teaching herein nothing that +offended me, though he taught what I knew not as yet, whether it were +true. For I kept my heart from assenting to any thing, fearing to fall +headlong; but by hanging in suspense I was the worse killed. For I +wished to be as assured of the things I saw not, as I was that seven and +three are ten. For I was not so mad as to think that even this could not +be comprehended; but I desired to have other things as clear as this, +whether things corporeal, which were not present to my senses, or +spiritual, whereof I knew not how to conceive, except corporeally. And +by believing might I have been cured, that so the eyesight of my soul +being cleared, might in some way be directed to Thy truth, which abideth +always, and in no part faileth. But as it happens that one who has tried +a bad physician, fears to trust himself with a good one, so was it with +the health of my soul, which could not be healed but by believing, and +lest it should believe falsehoods, refused to be cured; resisting Thy +hands, Who hast prepared the medicines of faith, and hast applied +them to the diseases of the whole world, and given unto them so great +authority. + +Being led, however, from this to prefer the Catholic doctrine, I felt +that her proceeding was more unassuming and honest, in that she required +to be believed things not demonstrated (whether it was that they could +in themselves be demonstrated but not to certain persons, or could not +at all be), whereas among the Manichees our credulity was mocked by a +promise of certain knowledge, and then so many most fabulous and +absurd things were imposed to be believed, because they could not be +demonstrated. Then Thou, O Lord, little by little with most tender and +most merciful hand, touching and composing my heart, didst persuade +me--considering what innumerable things I believed, which I saw not, nor +was present while they were done, as so many things in secular history, +so many reports of places and of cities, which I had not seen; so many +of friends, so many of physicians, so many continually of other men, +which unless we should believe, we should do nothing at all in this +life; lastly, with how unshaken an assurance I believed of what +parents I was born, which I could not know, had I not believed upon +hearsay--considering all this, Thou didst persuade me, that not they who +believed Thy Books (which Thou hast established in so great authority +among almost all nations), but they who believed them not, were to be +blamed; and that they were not to be heard, who should say to me, "How +knowest thou those Scriptures to have been imparted unto mankind by the +Spirit of the one true and most true God?" For this very thing was +of all most to be believed, since no contentiousness of blasphemous +questionings, of all that multitude which I had read in the +self-contradicting philosophers, could wring this belief from me, +"That Thou art" whatsoever Thou wert (what I knew not), and "That the +government of human things belongs to Thee." + +This I believed, sometimes more strongly, more weakly otherwhiles; yet I +ever believed both that Thou wert, and hadst a care of us; though I was +ignorant, both what was to be thought of Thy substance, and what way led +or led back to Thee. Since then we were too weak by abstract reasonings +to find out truth: and for this very cause needed the authority of Holy +Writ; I had now begun to believe that Thou wouldest never have given +such excellency of authority to that Writ in all lands, hadst Thou not +willed thereby to be believed in, thereby sought. For now what things, +sounding strangely in the Scripture, were wont to offend me, having +heard divers of them expounded satisfactorily, I referred to the depth +of the mysteries, and its authority appeared to me the more venerable, +and more worthy of religious credence, in that, while it lay open to all +to read, it reserved the majesty of its mysteries within its profounder +meaning, stooping to all in the great plainness of its words and +lowliness of its style, yet calling forth the intensest application of +such as are not light of heart; that so it might receive all in its open +bosom, and through narrow passages waft over towards Thee some few, yet +many more than if it stood not aloft on such a height of authority, nor +drew multitudes within its bosom by its holy lowliness. These things +I thought on, and Thou wert with me; I sighed, and Thou heardest me; I +wavered, and Thou didst guide me; I wandered through the broad way of +the world, and Thou didst not forsake me. + +I panted after honours, gains, marriage; and thou deridedst me. In these +desires I underwent most bitter crosses, Thou being the more gracious, +the less Thou sufferedst aught to grow sweet to me, which was not Thou. +Behold my heart, O Lord, who wouldest I should remember all this, and +confess to Thee. Let my soul cleave unto Thee, now that Thou hast freed +it from that fast-holding birdlime of death. How wretched was it! and +Thou didst irritate the feeling of its wound, that forsaking all else, +it might be converted unto Thee, who art above all, and without whom all +things would be nothing; be converted, and be healed. How miserable was +I then, and how didst Thou deal with me, to make me feel my misery on +that day, when I was preparing to recite a panegyric of the Emperor, +wherein I was to utter many a lie, and lying, was to be applauded by +those who knew I lied, and my heart was panting with these anxieties, +and boiling with the feverishness of consuming thoughts. For, passing +through one of the streets of Milan, I observed a poor beggar, then, I +suppose, with a full belly, joking and joyous: and I sighed, and spoke +to the friends around me, of the many sorrows of our frenzies; for that +by all such efforts of ours, as those wherein I then toiled dragging +along, under the goading of desire, the burthen of my own wretchedness, +and, by dragging, augmenting it, we yet looked to arrive only at that +very joyousness whither that beggar-man had arrived before us, who +should never perchance attain it. For what he had obtained by means of a +few begged pence, the same was I plotting for by many a toilsome turning +and winding; the joy of a temporary felicity. For he verily had not the +true joy; but yet I with those my ambitious designs was seeking one much +less true. And certainly he was joyous, I anxious; he void of care, I +full of fears. But should any ask me, had I rather be merry or fearful? +I would answer merry. Again, if he asked had I rather be such as he was, +or what I then was? I should choose to be myself, though worn with cares +and fears; but out of wrong judgment; for, was it the truth? For I ought +not to prefer myself to him, because more learned than he, seeing I +had no joy therein, but sought to please men by it; and that not to +instruct, but simply to please. Wherefore also Thou didst break my bones +with the staff of Thy correction. + +Away with those then from my soul who say to her, "It makes a difference +whence a man's joy is. That beggar-man joyed in drunkenness; Thou +desiredst to joy in glory." What glory, Lord? That which is not in +Thee. For even as his was no true joy, so was that no true glory: and +it overthrew my soul more. He that very night should digest his +drunkenness; but I had slept and risen again with mine, and was to sleep +again, and again to rise with it, how many days, Thou, God, knowest. But +"it doth make a difference whence a man's joy is." I know it, and the +joy of a faithful hope lieth incomparably beyond such vanity. Yea, and +so was he then beyond me: for he verily was the happier; not only for +that he was thoroughly drenched in mirth, I disembowelled with cares: +but he, by fair wishes, had gotten wine; I, by lying, was seeking for +empty, swelling praise. Much to this purpose said I then to my friends: +and I often marked in them how it fared with me; and I found it went ill +with me, and grieved, and doubled that very ill; and if any prosperity +smiled on me, I was loth to catch at it, for almost before I could grasp +it, it flew away. + +These things we, who were living as friends together, bemoaned together, +but chiefly and most familiarly did I speak thereof with Alypius and +Nebridius, of whom Alypius was born in the same town with me, of persons +of chief rank there, but younger than I. For he had studied under me, +both when I first lectured in our town, and afterwards at Carthage, and +he loved me much, because I seemed to him kind, and learned; and I him, +for his great towardliness to virtue, which was eminent enough in one of +no greater years. Yet the whirlpool of Carthaginian habits (amongst whom +those idle spectacles are hotly followed) had drawn him into the +madness of the Circus. But while he was miserably tossed therein, and +I, professing rhetoric there, had a public school, as yet he used not my +teaching, by reason of some unkindness risen betwixt his father and me. +I had found then how deadly he doted upon the Circus, and was deeply +grieved that he seemed likely, nay, or had thrown away so great promise: +yet had I no means of advising or with a sort of constraint reclaiming +him, either by the kindness of a friend, or the authority of a master. +For I supposed that he thought of me as did his father; but he was not +such; laying aside then his father's mind in that matter, he began to +greet me, come sometimes into my lecture room, hear a little, and be +gone. + +I however had forgotten to deal with him, that he should not, through +a blind and headlong desire of vain pastimes, undo so good a wit. But +Thou, O Lord, who guidest the course of all Thou hast created, hadst +not forgotten him, who was one day to be among Thy children, Priest +and Dispenser of Thy Sacrament; and that his amendment might plainly be +attributed to Thyself, Thou effectedst it through me, unknowingly. For +as one day I sat in my accustomed place, with my scholars before me, +he entered, greeted me, sat down, and applied his mind to what I +then handled. I had by chance a passage in hand, which while I was +explaining, a likeness from the Circensian races occurred to me, as +likely to make what I would convey pleasanter and plainer, seasoned +with biting mockery of those whom that madness had enthralled; God, Thou +knowest that I then thought not of curing Alypius of that infection. But +he took it wholly to himself, and thought that I said it simply for his +sake. And whence another would have taken occasion of offence with me, +that right-minded youth took as a ground of being offended at himself, +and loving me more fervently. For Thou hadst said it long ago, and put +it into Thy book, Rebuke a wise man and he will love Thee. But I had +not rebuked him, but Thou, who employest all, knowing or not knowing, in +that order which Thyself knowest (and that order is just), didst of my +heart and tongue make burning coals, by which to set on fire the +hopeful mind, thus languishing, and so cure it. Let him be silent in Thy +praises, who considers not Thy mercies, which confess unto Thee out of +my inmost soul. For he upon that speech burst out of that pit so deep, +wherein he was wilfully plunged, and was blinded with its wretched +pastimes; and he shook his mind with a strong self-command; whereupon +all the filths of the Circensian pastimes flew off from him, nor came he +again thither. Upon this, he prevailed with his unwilling father that he +might be my scholar. He gave way, and gave in. And Alypius beginning +to be my hearer again, was involved in the same superstition with me, +loving in the Manichees that show of continency which he supposed true +and unfeigned. Whereas it was a senseless and seducing continency, +ensnaring precious souls, unable as yet to reach the depth of virtue, +yet readily beguiled with the surface of what was but a shadowy and +counterfeit virtue. + +He, not forsaking that secular course which his parents had charmed him +to pursue, had gone before me to Rome, to study law, and there he was +carried away incredibly with an incredible eagerness after the shows of +gladiators. For being utterly averse to and detesting spectacles, he was +one day by chance met by divers of his acquaintance and fellow-students +coming from dinner, and they with a familiar violence haled him, +vehemently refusing and resisting, into the Amphitheatre, during these +cruel and deadly shows, he thus protesting: "Though you hale my body to +that place, and there set me, can you force me also to turn my mind or +my eyes to those shows? I shall then be absent while present, and +so shall overcome both you and them." They, hearing this, led him on +nevertheless, desirous perchance to try that very thing, whether he +could do as he said. When they were come thither, and had taken their +places as they could, the whole place kindled with that savage pastime. +But he, closing the passage of his eyes, forbade his mind to range +abroad after such evil; and would he had stopped his ears also! For in +the fight, when one fell, a mighty cry of the whole people striking him +strongly, overcome by curiosity, and as if prepared to despise and be +superior to it whatsoever it were, even when seen, he opened his eyes, +and was stricken with a deeper wound in his soul than the other, whom he +desired to behold, was in his body; and he fell more miserably than he +upon whose fall that mighty noise was raised, which entered through his +ears, and unlocked his eyes, to make way for the striking and beating +down of a soul, bold rather than resolute, and the weaker, in that it +had presumed on itself, which ought to have relied on Thee. For so soon +as he saw that blood, he therewith drunk down savageness; nor turned +away, but fixed his eye, drinking in frenzy, unawares, and was delighted +with that guilty fight, and intoxicated with the bloody pastime. Nor was +he now the man he came, but one of the throng he came unto, yea, a true +associate of theirs that brought him thither. Why say more? He beheld, +shouted, kindled, carried thence with him the madness which should goad +him to return not only with them who first drew him thither, but also +before them, yea and to draw in others. Yet thence didst Thou with a +most strong and most merciful hand pluck him, and taughtest him to have +confidence not in himself, but in Thee. But this was after. + +But this was already being laid up in his memory to be a medicine +hereafter. So was that also, that when he was yet studying under me at +Carthage, and was thinking over at mid-day in the market-place what he +was to say by heart (as scholars use to practise), Thou sufferedst him +to be apprehended by the officers of the market-place for a thief. For +no other cause, I deem, didst Thou, our God, suffer it, but that he who +was hereafter to prove so great a man, should already begin to learn +that in judging of causes, man was not readily to be condemned by man +out of a rash credulity. For as he was walking up and down by himself +before the judgment-seat, with his note-book and pen, lo, a young man, a +lawyer, the real thief, privily bringing a hatchet, got in, unperceived +by Alypius, as far as the leaden gratings which fence in the +silversmiths' shops, and began to cut away the lead. But the noise of +the hatchet being heard, the silversmiths beneath began to make a stir, +and sent to apprehend whomever they should find. But he, hearing their +voices, ran away, leaving his hatchet, fearing to be taken with it. +Alypius now, who had not seen him enter, was aware of his going, and +saw with what speed he made away. And being desirous to know the matter, +entered the place; where finding the hatchet, he was standing, wondering +and considering it, when behold, those that had been sent, find him +alone with the hatchet in his hand, the noise whereof had startled and +brought them thither. They seize him, hale him away, and gathering the +dwellers in the market-place together, boast of having taken a notorious +thief, and so he was being led away to be taken before the judge. + +But thus far was Alypius to be instructed. For forthwith, O Lord, Thou +succouredst his innocency, whereof Thou alone wert witness. For as he +was being led either to prison or to punishment, a certain architect met +them, who had the chief charge of the public buildings. Glad they +were to meet him especially, by whom they were wont to be suspected of +stealing the goods lost out of the marketplace, as though to show him at +last by whom these thefts were committed. He, however, had divers times +seen Alypius at a certain senator's house, to whom he often went to pay +his respects; and recognising him immediately, took him aside by the +hand, and enquiring the occasion of so great a calamity, heard the whole +matter, and bade all present, amid much uproar and threats, to go with +him. So they came to the house of the young man who had done the +deed. There, before the door, was a boy so young as to be likely, not +apprehending any harm to his master, to disclose the whole. For he +had attended his master to the market-place. Whom so soon as Alypius +remembered, he told the architect: and he showing the hatchet to the +boy, asked him "Whose that was?" "Ours," quoth he presently: and being +further questioned, he discovered every thing. Thus the crime being +transferred to that house, and the multitude ashamed, which had begun +to insult over Alypius, he who was to be a dispenser of Thy Word, and an +examiner of many causes in Thy Church, went away better experienced and +instructed. + +Him then I had found at Rome, and he clave to me by a most strong tie, +and went with me to Milan, both that he might not leave me, and might +practise something of the law he had studied, more to please his parents +than himself. There he had thrice sat as Assessor, with an uncorruptness +much wondered at by others, he wondering at others rather who could +prefer gold to honesty. His character was tried besides, not only with +the bait of covetousness, but with the goad of fear. At Rome he was +Assessor to the count of the Italian Treasury. There was at that time a +very powerful senator, to whose favours many stood indebted, many much +feared. He would needs, by his usual power, have a thing allowed him +which by the laws was unallowed. Alypius resisted it: a bribe was +promised; with all his heart he scorned it: threats were held out; he +trampled upon them: all wondering at so unwonted a spirit, which neither +desired the friendship, nor feared the enmity of one so great and so +mightily renowned for innumerable means of doing good or evil. And the +very judge, whose councillor Alypius was, although also unwilling +it should be, yet did not openly refuse, but put the matter off upon +Alypius, alleging that he would not allow him to do it: for in truth had +the judge done it, Alypius would have decided otherwise. With this one +thing in the way of learning was he well-nigh seduced, that he might +have books copied for him at Praetorian prices, but consulting justice, +he altered his deliberation for the better; esteeming equity whereby he +was hindered more gainful than the power whereby he were allowed. These +are slight things, but he that is faithful in little, is faithful also +in much. Nor can that any how be void, which proceeded out of the mouth +of Thy Truth: If ye have not been faithful in the unrighteous Mammon, +who will commit to your trust true riches? And if ye have not been +faithful in that which is another man's, who shall give you that which +is your own? He being such, did at that time cleave to me, and with me +wavered in purpose, what course of life was to be taken. + +Nebridius also, who having left his native country near Carthage, yea +and Carthage itself, where he had much lived, leaving his excellent +family-estate and house, and a mother behind, who was not to follow him, +had come to Milan, for no other reason but that with me he might live in +a most ardent search after truth and wisdom. Like me he sighed, like +me he wavered, an ardent searcher after true life, and a most acute +examiner of the most difficult questions. Thus were there the mouths +of three indigent persons, sighing out their wants one to another, and +waiting upon Thee that Thou mightest give them their meat in due season. +And in all the bitterness which by Thy mercy followed our worldly +affairs, as we looked towards the end, why we should suffer all this, +darkness met us; and we turned away groaning, and saying, How long shall +these things be? This too we often said; and so saying forsook them not, +for as yet there dawned nothing certain, which these forsaken, we might +embrace. + +And I, viewing and reviewing things, most wondered at the length of time +from that my nineteenth year, wherein I had begun to kindle with the +desire of wisdom, settling when I had found her, to abandon all the +empty hopes and lying frenzies of vain desires. And lo, I was now in +my thirtieth year, sticking in the same mire, greedy of enjoying things +present, which passed away and wasted my soul; while I said to myself, +"Tomorrow I shall find it; it will appear manifestly and I shall grasp +it; lo, Faustus the Manichee will come, and clear every thing! O you +great men, ye Academicians, it is true then, that no certainty can +be attained for the ordering of life! Nay, let us search the more +diligently, and despair not. Lo, things in the ecclesiastical books +are not absurd to us now, which sometimes seemed absurd, and may be +otherwise taken, and in a good sense. I will take my stand, where, as +a child, my parents placed me, until the clear truth be found out. But +where shall it be sought or when? Ambrose has no leisure; we have no +leisure to read; where shall we find even the books? Whence, or when +procure them? from whom borrow them? Let set times be appointed, and +certain hours be ordered for the health of our soul. Great hope has +dawned; the Catholic Faith teaches not what we thought, and vainly +accused it of; her instructed members hold it profane to believe God to +be bounded by the figure of a human body: and do we doubt to 'knock,' +that the rest 'may be opened'? The forenoons our scholars take up; what +do we during the rest? Why not this? But when then pay we court to our +great friends, whose favour we need? When compose what we may sell +to scholars? When refresh ourselves, unbending our minds from this +intenseness of care? + +"Perish every thing, dismiss we these empty vanities, and betake +ourselves to the one search for truth! Life is vain, death uncertain; if +it steals upon us on a sudden, in what state shall we depart hence? +and where shall we learn what here we have neglected? and shall we not +rather suffer the punishment of this negligence? What, if death itself +cut off and end all care and feeling? Then must this be ascertained. +But God forbid this! It is no vain and empty thing, that the excellent +dignity of the authority of the Christian Faith hath overspread the +whole world. Never would such and so great things be by God wrought for +us, if with the death of the body the life of the soul came to an end. +Wherefore delay then to abandon worldly hopes, and give ourselves wholly +to seek after God and the blessed life? But wait! Even those things are +pleasant; they have some, and no small sweetness. We must not lightly +abandon them, for it were a shame to return again to them. See, it is +no great matter now to obtain some station, and then what should we more +wish for? We have store of powerful friends; if nothing else offer, and +we be in much haste, at least a presidentship may be given us: and a +wife with some money, that she increase not our charges: and this shall +be the bound of desire. Many great men, and most worthy of imitation, +have given themselves to the study of wisdom in the state of marriage." + +While I went over these things, and these winds shifted and drove my +heart this way and that, time passed on, but I delayed to turn to the +Lord; and from day to day deferred to live in Thee, and deferred not +daily to die in myself. Loving a happy life, I feared it in its own +abode, and sought it, by fleeing from it. I thought I should be too +miserable, unless folded in female arms; and of the medicine of Thy +mercy to cure that infirmity I thought not, not having tried it. As for +continency, I supposed it to be in our own power (though in myself I did +not find that power), being so foolish as not to know what is written, +None can be continent unless Thou give it; and that Thou wouldest give +it, if with inward groanings I did knock at Thine ears, and with a +settled faith did cast my care on Thee. + +Alypius indeed kept me from marrying; alleging that so could we by no +means with undistracted leisure live together in the love of wisdom, as +we had long desired. For himself was even then most pure in this point, +so that it was wonderful; and that the more, since in the outset of his +youth he had entered into that course, but had not stuck fast therein; +rather had he felt remorse and revolting at it, living thenceforth until +now most continently. But I opposed him with the examples of those who +as married men had cherished wisdom, and served God acceptably, and +retained their friends, and loved them faithfully. Of whose greatness of +spirit I was far short; and bound with the disease of the flesh, and its +deadly sweetness, drew along my chain, dreading to be loosed, and as if +my wound had been fretted, put back his good persuasions, as it were the +hand of one that would unchain me. Moreover, by me did the serpent +speak unto Alypius himself, by my tongue weaving and laying in his +path pleasurable snares, wherein his virtuous and free feet might be +entangled. + +For when he wondered that I, whom he esteemed not slightly, should stick +so fast in the birdlime of that pleasure, as to protest (so oft as we +discussed it) that I could never lead a single life; and urged in my +defence when I saw him wonder, that there was great difference between +his momentary and scarce-remembered knowledge of that life, which so +he might easily despise, and my continued acquaintance whereto if the +honourable name of marriage were added, he ought not to wonder why I +could not contemn that course; he began also to desire to be married; +not as overcome with desire of such pleasure, but out of curiosity. For +he would fain know, he said, what that should be, without which my life, +to him so pleasing, would to me seem not life but a punishment. For his +mind, free from that chain, was amazed at my thraldom; and through that +amazement was going on to a desire of trying it, thence to the trial +itself, and thence perhaps to sink into that bondage whereat he +wondered, seeing he was willing to make a covenant with death; and he +that loves danger, shall fall into it. For whatever honour there be in +the office of well-ordering a married life, and a family, moved us but +slightly. But me for the most part the habit of satisfying an insatiable +appetite tormented, while it held me captive; him, an admiring wonder +was leading captive. So were we, until Thou, O Most High, not forsaking +our dust, commiserating us miserable, didst come to our help, by +wondrous and secret ways. + +Continual effort was made to have me married. I wooed, I was +promised, chiefly through my mother's pains, that so once married, the +health-giving baptism might cleanse me, towards which she rejoiced +that I was being daily fitted, and observed that her prayers, and Thy +promises, were being fulfilled in my faith. At which time verily, both +at my request and her own longing, with strong cries of heart she +daily begged of Thee, that Thou wouldest by a vision discover unto her +something concerning my future marriage; Thou never wouldest. She saw +indeed certain vain and fantastic things, such as the energy of the +human spirit, busied thereon, brought together; and these she told me +of, not with that confidence she was wont, when Thou showedst her any +thing, but slighting them. For she could, she said, through a certain +feeling, which in words she could not express, discern betwixt Thy +revelations, and the dreams of her own soul. Yet the matter was pressed +on, and a maiden asked in marriage, two years under the fit age; and, as +pleasing, was waited for. + +And many of us friends conferring about, and detesting the turbulent +turmoils of human life, had debated and now almost resolved on living +apart from business and the bustle of men; and this was to be thus +obtained; we were to bring whatever we might severally procure, and +make one household of all; so that through the truth of our friendship +nothing should belong especially to any; but the whole thus derived from +all, should as a whole belong to each, and all to all. We thought there +might be some often persons in this society; some of whom were very +rich, especially Romanianus our townsman, from childhood a very familiar +friend of mine, whom the grievous perplexities of his affairs had +brought up to court; who was the most earnest for this project; and +therein was his voice of great weight, because his ample estate far +exceeded any of the rest. We had settled also that two annual officers, +as it were, should provide all things necessary, the rest being +undisturbed. But when we began to consider whether the wives, which +some of us already had, others hoped to have, would allow this, all that +plan, which was being so well moulded, fell to pieces in our hands, was +utterly dashed and cast aside. Thence we betook us to sighs, and groans, +and our steps to follow the broad and beaten ways of the world; for many +thoughts were in our heart, but Thy counsel standeth for ever. Out +of which counsel Thou didst deride ours, and preparedst Thine own; +purposing to give us meat in due season, and to fill our souls with +blessing. + +Meanwhile my sins were being multiplied, and my concubine being torn +from my side as a hindrance to my marriage, my heart which clave unto +her was torn and wounded and bleeding. And she returned to Afric, vowing +unto Thee never to know any other man, leaving with me my son by her. +But unhappy I, who could not imitate a very woman, impatient of delay, +inasmuch as not till after two years was I to obtain her I sought not +being so much a lover of marriage as a slave to lust, procured another, +though no wife, that so by the servitude of an enduring custom, the +disease of my soul might be kept up and carried on in its vigour, or +even augmented, into the dominion of marriage. Nor was that my wound +cured, which had been made by the cutting away of the former, but after +inflammation and most acute pain, it mortified, and my pains became less +acute, but more desperate. + +To Thee be praise, glory to Thee, Fountain of mercies. I was becoming +more miserable, and Thou nearer. Thy right hand was continually ready to +pluck me out of the mire, and to wash me thoroughly, and I knew it +not; nor did anything call me back from a yet deeper gulf of carnal +pleasures, but the fear of death, and of Thy judgment to come; which +amid all my changes, never departed from my breast. And in my disputes +with my friends Alypius and Nebridius of the nature of good and evil, I +held that Epicurus had in my mind won the palm, had I not believed that +after death there remained a life for the soul, and places of requital +according to men's deserts, which Epicurus would not believe. And I +asked, "were we immortal, and to live in perpetual bodily pleasure, +without fear of losing it, why should we not be happy, or what else +should we seek?" not knowing that great misery was involved in this very +thing, that, being thus sunk and blinded, I could not discern that light +of excellence and beauty, to be embraced for its own sake, which the eye +of flesh cannot see, and is seen by the inner man. Nor did I, unhappy, +consider from what source it sprung, that even on these things, foul as +they were, I with pleasure discoursed with my friends, nor could I, +even according to the notions I then had of happiness, be happy without +friends, amid what abundance soever of carnal pleasures. And yet these +friends I loved for themselves only, and I felt that I was beloved of +them again for myself only. + +O crooked paths! Woe to the audacious soul, which hoped, by forsaking +Thee, to gain some better thing! Turned it hath, and turned again, upon +back, sides, and belly, yet all was painful; and Thou alone rest. +And behold, Thou art at hand, and deliverest us from our wretched +wanderings, and placest us in Thy way, and dost comfort us, and say, +"Run; I will carry you; yea I will bring you through; there also will I +carry you." + + + + +BOOK VII + + +Deceased was now that my evil and abominable youth, and I was passing +into early manhood; the more defiled by vain things as I grew in years, +who could not imagine any substance, but such as is wont to be seen with +these eyes. I thought not of Thee, O God, under the figure of a human +body; since I began to hear aught of wisdom, I always avoided this; and +rejoiced to have found the same in the faith of our spiritual mother, +Thy Catholic Church. But what else to conceive of Thee I knew not. And +I, a man, and such a man, sought to conceive of Thee the sovereign, +only, true God; and I did in my inmost soul believe that Thou wert +incorruptible, and uninjurable, and unchangeable; because though not +knowing whence or how, yet I saw plainly, and was sure, that that which +may be corrupted must be inferior to that which cannot; what could not +be injured I preferred unhesitatingly to what could receive injury; the +unchangeable to things subject to change. My heart passionately cried +out against all my phantoms, and with this one blow I sought to beat +away from the eye of my mind all that unclean troop which buzzed around +it. And lo, being scarce put off, in the twinkling of an eye they +gathered again thick about me, flew against my face, and beclouded +it; so that though not under the form of the human body, yet was I +constrained to conceive of Thee (that incorruptible, uninjurable, and +unchangeable, which I preferred before the corruptible, and injurable, +and changeable) as being in space, whether infused into the world, or +diffused infinitely without it. Because whatsoever I conceived, deprived +of this space, seemed to me nothing, yea altogether nothing, not even +a void, as if a body were taken out of its place, and the place should +remain empty of any body at all, of earth and water, air and heaven, yet +would it remain a void place, as it were a spacious nothing. + +I then being thus gross-hearted, nor clear even to myself, whatsoever +was not extended over certain spaces, nor diffused, nor condensed, nor +swelled out, or did not or could not receive some of these dimensions, +I thought to be altogether nothing. For over such forms as my eyes are +wont to range, did my heart then range: nor yet did I see that this same +notion of the mind, whereby I formed those very images, was not of this +sort, and yet it could not have formed them, had not itself been some +great thing. So also did I endeavour to conceive of Thee, Life of my +life, as vast, through infinite spaces on every side penetrating +the whole mass of the universe, and beyond it, every way, through +unmeasurable boundless spaces; so that the earth should have Thee, the +heaven have Thee, all things have Thee, and they be bounded in Thee, and +Thou bounded nowhere. For that as the body of this air which is above +the earth, hindereth not the light of the sun from passing through it, +penetrating it, not by bursting or by cutting, but by filling it wholly: +so I thought the body not of heaven, air, and sea only, but of the earth +too, pervious to Thee, so that in all its parts, the greatest as the +smallest, it should admit Thy presence, by a secret inspiration, within +and without, directing all things which Thou hast created. So I guessed, +only as unable to conceive aught else, for it was false. For thus should +a greater part of the earth contain a greater portion of Thee, and a +less, a lesser: and all things should in such sort be full of Thee, +that the body of an elephant should contain more of Thee, than that of +a sparrow, by how much larger it is, and takes up more room; and thus +shouldest Thou make the several portions of Thyself present unto the +several portions of the world, in fragments, large to the large, +petty to the petty. But such art not Thou. But not as yet hadst Thou +enlightened my darkness. + +It was enough for me, Lord, to oppose to those deceived deceivers, and +dumb praters, since Thy word sounded not out of them;--that was enough +which long ago, while we were yet at Carthage, Nebridius used to +propound, at which all we that heard it were staggered: "That said +nation of darkness, which the Manichees are wont to set as an opposing +mass over against Thee, what could it have done unto Thee, hadst Thou +refused to fight with it? For, if they answered, 'it would have +done Thee some hurt,' then shouldest Thou be subject to injury and +corruption: but it could do Thee no hurt,' then was no reason brought +for Thy fighting with it; and fighting in such wise, as that a certain +portion or member of Thee, or offspring of Thy very Substance, should be +mingled with opposed powers, and natures not created by Thee, and be +by them so far corrupted and changed to the worse, as to be turned +from happiness into misery, and need assistance, whereby it might be +extricated and purified; and that this offspring of Thy Substance was +the soul, which being enthralled, defiled, corrupted, Thy Word, free, +pure, and whole, might relieve; that Word itself being still corruptible +because it was of one and the same Substance. So then, should they +affirm Thee, whatsoever Thou art, that is, Thy Substance whereby +Thou art, to be incorruptible, then were all these sayings false and +execrable; but if corruptible, the very statement showed it to be false +and revolting." This argument then of Nebridius sufficed against those +who deserved wholly to be vomited out of the overcharged stomach; for +they had no escape, without horrible blasphemy of heart and tongue, thus +thinking and speaking of Thee. + +But I also as yet, although I held and was firmly persuaded that Thou +our Lord the true God, who madest not only our souls, but our bodies, +and not only our souls and bodies, but all beings, and all things, wert +undefilable and unalterable, and in no degree mutable; yet understood I +not, clearly and without difficulty, the cause of evil. And yet whatever +it were, I perceived it was in such wise to be sought out, as should not +constrain me to believe the immutable God to be mutable, lest I should +become that evil I was seeking out. I sought it out then, thus far free +from anxiety, certain of the untruth of what these held, from whom I +shrunk with my whole heart: for I saw, that through enquiring the origin +of evil, they were filled with evil, in that they preferred to think +that Thy substance did suffer ill than their own did commit it. + +And I strained to perceive what I now heard, that free-will was the +cause of our doing ill, and Thy just judgment of our suffering ill. But +I was not able clearly to discern it. So then endeavouring to draw my +soul's vision out of that deep pit, I was again plunged therein, and +endeavouring often, I was plunged back as often. But this raised me a +little into Thy light, that I knew as well that I had a will, as that I +lived: when then I did will or nill any thing, I was most sure that no +other than myself did will and nill: and I all but saw that there +was the cause of my sin. But what I did against my will, I saw that +I suffered rather than did, and I judged not to be my fault, but my +punishment; whereby, however, holding Thee to be just, I speedily +confessed myself to be not unjustly punished. But again I said, Who made +me? Did not my God, Who is not only good, but goodness itself? Whence +then came I to will evil and nill good, so that I am thus justly +punished? who set this in me, and ingrafted into me this plant of +bitterness, seeing I was wholly formed by my most sweet God? If the +devil were the author, whence is that same devil? And if he also by his +own perverse will, of a good angel became a devil, whence, again, came +in him that evil will whereby he became a devil, seeing the whole nature +of angels was made by that most good Creator? By these thoughts I was +again sunk down and choked; yet not brought down to that hell of error +(where no man confesseth unto Thee), to think rather that Thou dost +suffer ill, than that man doth it. + +For I was in such wise striving to find out the rest, as one who had +already found that the incorruptible must needs be better than the +corruptible: and Thee therefore, whatsoever Thou wert, I confessed to +be incorruptible. For never soul was, nor shall be, able to conceive any +thing which may be better than Thou, who art the sovereign and the +best good. But since most truly and certainly, the incorruptible is +preferable to the corruptible (as I did now prefer it), then, wert Thou +not incorruptible, I could in thought have arrived at something better +than my God. Where then I saw the incorruptible to be preferable to the +corruptible, there ought I to seek for Thee, and there observe "wherein +evil itself was"; that is, whence corruption comes, by which Thy +substance can by no means be impaired. For corruption does no ways +impair our God; by no will, by no necessity, by no unlooked-for chance: +because He is God, and what He wills is good, and Himself is that +good; but to be corrupted is not good. Nor art Thou against Thy will +constrained to any thing, since Thy will is not greater than Thy power. +But greater should it be, were Thyself greater than Thyself. For the +will and power of God is God Himself. And what can be unlooked-for by +Thee, Who knowest all things? Nor is there any nature in things, but +Thou knowest it. And what should we more say, "why that substance which +God is should not be corruptible," seeing if it were so, it should not +be God? + +And I sought "whence is evil," and sought in an evil way; and saw not +the evil in my very search. I set now before the sight of my spirit +the whole creation, whatsoever we can see therein (as sea, earth, air, +stars, trees, mortal creatures); yea, and whatever in it we do not see, +as the firmament of heaven, all angels moreover, and all the spiritual +inhabitants thereof. But these very beings, as though they were +bodies, did my fancy dispose in place, and I made one great mass of Thy +creation, distinguished as to the kinds of bodies; some, real bodies, +some, what myself had feigned for spirits. And this mass I made huge, +not as it was (which I could not know), but as I thought convenient, yet +every way finite. But Thee, O Lord, I imagined on every part environing +and penetrating it, though every way infinite: as if there were a sea, +every where, and on every side, through unmeasured space, one only +boundless sea, and it contained within it some sponge, huge, but +bounded; that sponge must needs, in all its parts, be filled from that +unmeasurable sea: so conceived I Thy creation, itself finite, full of +Thee, the Infinite; and I said, Behold God, and behold what God hath +created; and God is good, yea, most mightily and incomparably better +than all these: but yet He, the Good, created them good; and see how +He environeth and fulfils them. Where is evil then, and whence, and how +crept it in hither? What is its root, and what its seed? Or hath it no +being? Why then fear we and avoid what is not? Or if we fear it idly, +then is that very fear evil, whereby the soul is thus idly goaded and +racked. Yea, and so much a greater evil, as we have nothing to fear, and +yet do fear. Therefore either is that evil which we fear, or else evil +is, that we fear. Whence is it then? seeing God, the Good, hath created +all these things good. He indeed, the greater and chiefest Good, hath +created these lesser goods; still both Creator and created, all are +good. Whence is evil? Or, was there some evil matter of which He made, +and formed, and ordered it, yet left something in it which He did not +convert into good? Why so then? Had He no might to turn and change the +whole, so that no evil should remain in it, seeing He is All-mighty? +Lastly, why would He make any thing at all of it, and not rather by +the same All-mightiness cause it not to be at all? Or, could it then be +against His will? Or if it were from eternity, why suffered He it so to +be for infinite spaces of times past, and was pleased so long after to +make something out of it? Or if He were suddenly pleased now to effect +somewhat, this rather should the All-mighty have effected, that this +evil matter should not be, and He alone be, the whole, true, sovereign, +and infinite Good. Or if it was not good that He who was good should not +also frame and create something that were good, then, that evil matter +being taken away and brought to nothing, He might form good matter, +whereof to create all things. For He should not be All-mighty, if He +might not create something good without the aid of that matter which +Himself had not created. These thoughts I revolved in my miserable +heart, overcharged with most gnawing cares, lest I should die ere I had +found the truth; yet was the faith of Thy Christ, our Lord and Saviour, +professed in the Church Catholic, firmly fixed in my heart, in many +points, indeed, as yet unformed, and fluctuating from the rule of +doctrine; yet did not my mind utterly leave it, but rather daily took in +more and more of it. + +By this time also had I rejected the lying divinations and impious +dotages of the astrologers. Let Thine own mercies, out of my very +inmost soul, confess unto Thee for this also, O my God. For Thou, Thou +altogether (for who else calls us back from the death of all errors, +save the Life which cannot die, and the Wisdom which needing no light +enlightens the minds that need it, whereby the universe is directed, +down to the whirling leaves of trees?)--Thou madest provision for my +obstinacy wherewith I struggled against Vindicianus, an acute old man, +and Nebridius, a young man of admirable talents; the first vehemently +affirming, and the latter often (though with some doubtfulness) saying, +"That there was no such art whereby to foresee things to come, but that +men's conjectures were a sort of lottery, and that out of many things +which they said should come to pass, some actually did, unawares to them +who spake it, who stumbled upon it, through their oft speaking." +Thou providedst then a friend for me, no negligent consulter of the +astrologers; nor yet well skilled in those arts, but (as I said) a +curious consulter with them, and yet knowing something, which he said +he had heard of his father, which how far it went to overthrow the +estimation of that art, he knew not. This man then, Firminus by name, +having had a liberal education, and well taught in Rhetoric, consulted +me, as one very dear to him, what, according to his so-called +constellations, I thought on certain affairs of his, wherein his worldly +hopes had risen, and I, who had herein now begun to incline towards +Nebridius' opinion, did not altogether refuse to conjecture, and tell +him what came into my unresolved mind; but added, that I was now almost +persuaded that these were but empty and ridiculous follies. Thereupon he +told me that his father had been very curious in such books, and had +a friend as earnest in them as himself, who with joint study and +conference fanned the flame of their affections to these toys, so that +they would observe the moments whereat the very dumb animals, which bred +about their houses, gave birth, and then observed the relative position +of the heavens, thereby to make fresh experiments in this so-called art. +He said then that he had heard of his father, that what time his mother +was about to give birth to him, Firminus, a woman-servant of that friend +of his father's was also with child, which could not escape her master, +who took care with most exact diligence to know the births of his very +puppies. And so it was that (the one for his wife, and the other for his +servant, with the most careful observation, reckoning days, hours, +nay, the lesser divisions of the hours) both were delivered at the same +instant; so that both were constrained to allow the same constellations, +even to the minutest points, the one for his son, the other for his +new-born slave. For so soon as the women began to be in labour, they +each gave notice to the other what was fallen out in their houses, and +had messengers ready to send to one another so soon as they had notice +of the actual birth, of which they had easily provided, each in his own +province, to give instant intelligence. Thus then the messengers of +the respective parties met, he averred, at such an equal distance from +either house that neither of them could make out any difference in the +position of the stars, or any other minutest points; and yet Firminus, +born in a high estate in his parents' house, ran his course through +the gilded paths of life, was increased in riches, raised to honours; +whereas that slave continued to serve his masters, without any +relaxation of his yoke, as Firminus, who knew him, told me. + +Upon hearing and believing these things, told by one of such +credibility, all that my resistance gave way; and first I endeavoured to +reclaim Firminus himself from that curiosity, by telling him that upon +inspecting his constellations, I ought if I were to predict truly, to +have seen in them parents eminent among their neighbours, a noble family +in its own city, high birth, good education, liberal learning. But if +that servant had consulted me upon the same constellations, since they +were his also, I ought again (to tell him too truly) to see in them +a lineage the most abject, a slavish condition, and every thing else +utterly at variance with the former. Whence then, if I spake the truth, +I should, from the same constellations, speak diversely, or if I +spake the same, speak falsely: thence it followed most certainly that +whatever, upon consideration of the constellations, was spoken truly, +was spoken not out of art, but chance; and whatever spoken falsely, was +not out of ignorance in the art, but the failure of the chance. + +An opening thus made, ruminating with myself on the like things, that +no one of those dotards (who lived by such a trade, and whom I longed +to attack, and with derision to confute) might urge against me that +Firminus had informed me falsely, or his father him; I bent my thoughts +on those that are born twins, who for the most part come out of the womb +so near one to other, that the small interval (how much force soever +in the nature of things folk may pretend it to have) cannot be noted +by human observation, or be at all expressed in those figures which the +astrologer is to inspect, that he may pronounce truly. Yet they cannot +be true: for looking into the same figures, he must have predicted the +same of Esau and Jacob, whereas the same happened not to them. Therefore +he must speak falsely; or if truly, then, looking into the same figures, +he must not give the same answer. Not by art, then, but by chance, would +he speak truly. For Thou, O Lord, most righteous Ruler of the Universe, +while consulters and consulted know it not, dost by Thy hidden +inspiration effect that the consulter should hear what, according to the +hidden deservings of souls, he ought to hear, out of the unsearchable +depth of Thy just judgment, to Whom let no man say, What is this? Why +that? Let him not so say, for he is man. + +Now then, O my Helper, hadst Thou loosed me from those fetters: and I +sought "whence is evil," and found no way. But Thou sufferedst me not by +any fluctuations of thought to be carried away from the Faith whereby I +believed Thee both to be, and Thy substance to be unchangeable, and that +Thou hast a care of, and wouldest judge men, and that in Christ, Thy +Son, Our Lord, and the holy Scriptures, which the authority of Thy +Catholic Church pressed upon me, Thou hadst set the way of man's +salvation, to that life which is to be after this death. These things +being safe and immovably settled in my mind, I sought anxiously "whence +was evil?" What were the pangs of my teeming heart, what groans, O my +God! yet even there were Thine ears open, and I knew it not; and when +in silence I vehemently sought, those silent contritions of my soul were +strong cries unto Thy mercy. Thou knewest what I suffered, and no man. +For, what was that which was thence through my tongue distilled into the +ears of my most familiar friends? Did the whole tumult of my soul, for +which neither time nor utterance sufficed, reach them? Yet went up the +whole to Thy hearing, all which I roared out from the groanings of my +heart; and my desire was before Thee, and the light of mine eyes was not +with me: for that was within, I without: nor was that confined to place, +but I was intent on things contained in place, but there found I no +resting-place, nor did they so receive me, that I could say, "It is +enough," "it is well": nor did they yet suffer me to turn back, where +it might be well enough with me. For to these things was I superior, but +inferior to Thee; and Thou art my true joy when subjected to Thee, and +Thou hadst subjected to me what Thou createdst below me. And this was +the true temperament, and middle region of my safety, to remain in +Thy Image, and by serving Thee, rule the body. But when I rose proudly +against Thee, and ran against the Lord with my neck, with the thick +bosses of my buckler, even these inferior things were set above me, and +pressed me down, and no where was there respite or space of breathing. +They met my sight on all sides by heaps and troops, and in thought the +images thereof presented themselves unsought, as I would return to +Thee, as if they would say unto me, "Whither goest thou, unworthy +and defiled?" And these things had grown out of my wound; for Thou +"humbledst the proud like one that is wounded," and through my own +swelling was I separated from Thee; yea, my pride-swollen face closed up +mine eyes. + +But Thou, Lord, abidest for ever, yet not for ever art Thou angry with +us; because Thou pitiest our dust and ashes, and it was pleasing in Thy +sight to reform my deformities; and by inward goads didst Thou rouse me, +that I should be ill at ease, until Thou wert manifested to my inward +sight. Thus, by the secret hand of Thy medicining was my swelling +abated, and the troubled and bedimmed eyesight of my mind, by the +smarting anointings of healthful sorrows, was from day to day healed. + +And Thou, willing first to show me how Thou resistest the proud, but +givest grace unto the humble, and by how great an act of Thy mercy Thou +hadst traced out to men the way of humility, in that Thy Word was made +flesh, and dwelt among men:--Thou procuredst for me, by means of one +puffed up with most unnatural pride, certain books of the Platonists, +translated from Greek into Latin. And therein I read, not indeed in the +very words, but to the very same purpose, enforced by many and divers +reasons, that In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, +and the Word was God: the Same was in the beginning with God: all things +were made by Him, and without Him was nothing made: that which was made +by Him is life, and the life was the light of men, and the light shineth +in the darkness, and the darkness comprehended it not. And that the soul +of man, though it bears witness to the light, yet itself is not that +light; but the Word of God, being God, is that true light that lighteth +every man that cometh into the world. And that He was in the world, and +the world was made by Him, and the world knew Him not. But, that He came +unto His own, and His own received Him not; but as many as received Him, +to them gave He power to become the sons of God, as many as believed in +His name; this I read not there. + +Again I read there, that God the Word was born not of flesh nor of +blood, nor of the will of man, nor of the will of the flesh, but of God. +But that the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, I read not there. +For I traced in those books that it was many and divers ways said, that +the Son was in the form of the Father, and thought it not robbery to be +equal with God, for that naturally He was the Same Substance. But that +He emptied Himself, taking the form of a servant, being made in the +likeness of men, and found in fashion as a man, humbled Himself, and +became obedient unto death, and that the death of the cross: wherefore +God exalted Him from the dead, and gave Him a name above every name, +that at the name of Jesus every knee should how, of things in heaven, +and things in earth, and things under the earth; and that every tongue +should confess that the Lord Jesus Christ is in the glory of God the +Father; those books have not. For that before all times and above all +times Thy Only-Begotten Son remaineth unchangeable, co-eternal with +Thee, and that of His fulness souls receive, that they may be blessed; +and that by participation of wisdom abiding in them, they are renewed, +so as to be wise, is there. But that in due time He died for the +ungodly; and that Thou sparedst not Thine Only Son, but deliveredst Him +for us all, is not there. For Thou hiddest these things from the wise, +and revealedst them to babes; that they that labour and are heavy laden +might come unto Him, and He refresh them, because He is meek and lowly +in heart; and the meek He directeth in judgment, and the gentle He +teacheth His ways, beholding our lowliness and trouble, and forgiving +all our sins. But such as are lifted up in the lofty walk of some +would-be sublimer learning, hear not Him, saying, Learn of Me, for I am +meek and lowly in heart, and ye shall find rest to your souls. Although +they knew God, yet they glorify Him not as God, nor are thankful, +but wax vain in their thoughts; and their foolish heart is darkened; +professing that they were wise, they became fools. + +And therefore did I read there also, that they had changed the glory of +Thy incorruptible nature into idols and divers shapes, into the likeness +of the image of corruptible man, and birds, and beasts, and creeping +things; namely, into that Egyptian food for which Esau lost his +birthright, for that Thy first-born people worshipped the head of a +four-footed beast instead of Thee; turning in heart back towards Egypt; +and bowing Thy image, their own soul, before the image of a calf that +eateth hay. These things found I here, but I fed not on them. For it +pleased Thee, O Lord, to take away the reproach of diminution from +Jacob, that the elder should serve the younger: and Thou calledst the +Gentiles into Thine inheritance. And I had come to Thee from among the +Gentiles; and I set my mind upon the gold which Thou willedst Thy people +to take from Egypt, seeing Thine it was, wheresoever it were. And to the +Athenians Thou saidst by Thy Apostle, that in Thee we live, move, and +have our being, as one of their own poets had said. And verily these +books came from thence. But I set not my mind on the idols of Egypt, +whom they served with Thy gold, who changed the truth of God into a lie, +and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator. + +And being thence admonished to return to myself, I entered even into my +inward self, Thou being my Guide: and able I was, for Thou wert become +my Helper. And I entered and beheld with the eye of my soul (such as +it was), above the same eye of my soul, above my mind, the Light +Unchangeable. Not this ordinary light, which all flesh may look upon, +nor as it were a greater of the same kind, as though the brightness of +this should be manifold brighter, and with its greatness take up all +space. Not such was this light, but other, yea, far other from these. +Nor was it above my soul, as oil is above water, nor yet as heaven above +earth: but above to my soul, because It made me; and I below It, because +I was made by It. He that knows the Truth, knows what that Light is; +and he that knows It, knows eternity. Love knoweth it. O Truth Who art +Eternity! and Love Who art Truth! and Eternity Who art Love! Thou art +my God, to Thee do I sigh night and day. Thee when I first knew, Thou +liftedst me up, that I might see there was what I might see, and that I +was not yet such as to see. And Thou didst beat back the weakness of my +sight, streaming forth Thy beams of light upon me most strongly, and I +trembled with love and awe: and I perceived myself to be far off from +Thee, in the region of unlikeness, as if I heard this Thy voice from on +high: "I am the food of grown men, grow, and thou shalt feed upon Me; +nor shalt thou convert Me, like the food of thy flesh into thee, but +thou shalt be converted into Me." And I learned, that Thou for iniquity +chastenest man, and Thou madest my soul to consume away like a spider. +And I said, "Is Truth therefore nothing because it is not diffused +through space finite or infinite?" And Thou criedst to me from afar: +"Yet verily, I AM that I AM." And I heard, as the heart heareth, nor had +I room to doubt, and I should sooner doubt that I live than that Truth +is not, which is clearly seen, being understood by those things which +are made. And I beheld the other things below Thee, and I perceived that +they neither altogether are, nor altogether are not, for they are, since +they are from Thee, but are not, because they are not what Thou art. For +that truly is which remains unchangeably. It is good then for me to hold +fast unto God; for if I remain not in Him, I cannot in myself; but He +remaining in Himself, reneweth all things. And Thou art the Lord my God, +since Thou standest not in need of my goodness. + +And it was manifested unto me, that those things be good which yet are +corrupted; which neither were they sovereignly good, nor unless they +were good could be corrupted: for if sovereignly good, they were +incorruptible, if not good at all, there were nothing in them to be +corrupted. For corruption injures, but unless it diminished goodness, it +could not injure. Either then corruption injures not, which cannot be; +or which is most certain, all which is corrupted is deprived of good. +But if they be deprived of all good, they shall cease to be. For if they +shall be, and can now no longer be corrupted, they shall be better than +before, because they shall abide incorruptibly. And what more monstrous +than to affirm things to become better by losing all their good? +Therefore, if they shall be deprived of all good, they shall no longer +be. So long therefore as they are, they are good: therefore whatsoever +is, is good. That evil then which I sought, whence it is, is not any +substance: for were it a substance, it should be good. For either +it should be an incorruptible substance, and so a chief good: or +a corruptible substance; which unless it were good, could not be +corrupted. I perceived therefore, and it was manifested to me that Thou +madest all things good, nor is there any substance at all, which Thou +madest not; and for that Thou madest not all things equal, therefore are +all things; because each is good, and altogether very good, because our +God made all things very good. + +And to Thee is nothing whatsoever evil: yea, not only to Thee, but also +to Thy creation as a whole, because there is nothing without, which may +break in, and corrupt that order which Thou hast appointed it. But in +the parts thereof some things, because unharmonising with other some, +are accounted evil: whereas those very things harmonise with others, +and are good; and in themselves are good. And all these things which +harmonise not together, do yet with the inferior part, which we call +Earth, having its own cloudy and windy sky harmonising with it. Far be +it then that I should say, "These things should not be": for should I +see nought but these, I should indeed long for the better; but still +must even for these alone praise Thee; for that Thou art to be praised, +do show from the earth, dragons, and all deeps, fire, hail, snow, +ice, and stormy wind, which fulfil Thy word; mountains, and all hills, +fruitful trees, and all cedars; beasts, and all cattle, creeping things, +and flying fowls; kings of the earth, and all people, princes, and all +judges of the earth; young men and maidens, old men and young, praise +Thy Name. But when, from heaven, these praise Thee, praise Thee, our +God, in the heights all Thy angels, all Thy hosts, sun and moon, all the +stars and light, the Heaven of heavens, and the waters that be above the +heavens, praise Thy Name; I did not now long for things better, because +I conceived of all: and with a sounder judgment I apprehended that the +things above were better than these below, but altogether better than +those above by themselves. + +There is no soundness in them, whom aught of Thy creation displeaseth: +as neither in me, when much which Thou hast made, displeased me. And +because my soul durst not be displeased at my God, it would fain not +account that Thine, which displeased it. Hence it had gone into the +opinion of two substances, and had no rest, but talked idly. And +returning thence, it had made to itself a God, through infinite measures +of all space; and thought it to be Thee, and placed it in its heart; +and had again become the temple of its own idol, to Thee abominable. But +after Thou hadst soothed my head, unknown to me, and closed mine eyes +that they should not behold vanity, I ceased somewhat of my former self, +and my frenzy was lulled to sleep; and I awoke in Thee, and saw Thee +infinite, but in another way, and this sight was not derived from the +flesh. + +And I looked back on other things; and I saw that they owed their being +to Thee; and were all bounded in Thee: but in a different way; not as +being in space; but because Thou containest all things in Thine hand +in Thy Truth; and all things are true so far as they nor is there any +falsehood, unless when that is thought to be, which is not. And I saw +that all things did harmonise, not with their places only, but with +their seasons. And that Thou, who only art Eternal, didst not begin to +work after innumerable spaces of times spent; for that all spaces of +times, both which have passed, and which shall pass, neither go nor +come, but through Thee, working and abiding. + +And I perceived and found it nothing strange, that bread which is +pleasant to a healthy palate is loathsome to one distempered: and to +sore eyes light is offensive, which to the sound is delightful. And Thy +righteousness displeaseth the wicked; much more the viper and reptiles, +which Thou hast created good, fitting in with the inferior portions of +Thy Creation, with which the very wicked also fit in; and that the more, +by how much they be unlike Thee; but with the superior creatures, by how +much they become more like to Thee. And I enquired what iniquity was, +and found it to be no substance, but the perversion of the will, turned +aside from Thee, O God, the Supreme, towards these lower things, and +casting out its bowels, and puffed up outwardly. + +And I wondered that I now loved Thee, and no phantasm for Thee. And +yet did I not press on to enjoy my God; but was borne up to Thee by Thy +beauty, and soon borne down from Thee by mine own weight, sinking with +sorrow into these inferior things. This weight was carnal custom. Yet +dwelt there with me a remembrance of Thee; nor did I any way doubt that +there was One to whom I might cleave, but that I was not yet such as to +cleave to Thee: for that the body which is corrupted presseth down the +soul, and the earthly tabernacle weigheth down the mind that museth upon +many things. And most certain I was, that Thy invisible works from the +creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things +that are made, even Thy eternal power and Godhead. For examining whence +it was that I admired the beauty of bodies celestial or terrestrial; +and what aided me in judging soundly on things mutable, and pronouncing, +"This ought to be thus, this not"; examining, I say, whence it was that +I so judged, seeing I did so judge, I had found the unchangeable and +true Eternity of Truth above my changeable mind. And thus by degrees +I passed from bodies to the soul, which through the bodily senses +perceives; and thence to its inward faculty, to which the bodily senses +represent things external, whitherto reach the faculties of beasts; and +thence again to the reasoning faculty, to which what is received from +the senses of the body, is referred to be judged. Which finding +itself also to be in me a thing variable, raised itself up to its +own understanding, and drew away my thoughts from the power of habit, +withdrawing itself from those troops of contradictory phantasms; that so +it might find what that light was whereby it was bedewed, when, without +all doubting, it cried out, "That the unchangeable was to be preferred +to the changeable"; whence also it knew That Unchangeable, which, unless +it had in some way known, it had had no sure ground to prefer it to the +changeable. And thus with the flash of one trembling glance it arrived +at THAT WHICH IS. And then I saw Thy invisible things understood by +the things which are made. But I could not fix my gaze thereon; and my +infirmity being struck back, I was thrown again on my wonted habits, +carrying along with me only a loving memory thereof, and a longing for +what I had, as it were, perceived the odour of, but was not yet able to +feed on. + +Then I sought a way of obtaining strength sufficient to enjoy Thee; and +found it not, until I embraced that Mediator betwixt God and men, the +Man Christ Jesus, who is over all, God blessed for evermore, calling +unto me, and saying, I am the way, the truth, and the life, and mingling +that food which I was unable to receive, with our flesh. For, the Word +was made flesh, that Thy wisdom, whereby Thou createdst all things, +might provide milk for our infant state. For I did not hold to my Lord +Jesus Christ, I, humbled, to the Humble; nor knew I yet whereto His +infirmity would guide us. For Thy Word, the Eternal Truth, far above the +higher parts of Thy Creation, raises up the subdued unto Itself: but +in this lower world built for Itself a lowly habitation of our clay, +whereby to abase from themselves such as would be subdued, and bring +them over to Himself; allaying their swelling, and fomenting their love; +to the end they might go on no further in self-confidence, but rather +consent to become weak, seeing before their feet the Divinity weak by +taking our coats of skin; and wearied, might cast themselves down upon +It, and It rising, might lift them up. + +But I thought otherwise; conceiving only of my Lord Christ as of a man +of excellent wisdom, whom no one could be equalled unto; especially, +for that being wonderfully born of a Virgin, He seemed, in conformity +therewith, through the Divine care for us, to have attained that great +eminence of authority, for an ensample of despising things temporal for +the obtaining of immortality. But what mystery there lay in "The Word +was made flesh," I could not even imagine. Only I had learnt out of what +is delivered to us in writing of Him that He did eat, and drink, sleep, +walk, rejoiced in spirit, was sorrowful, discoursed; that flesh did not +cleave by itself unto Thy Word, but with the human soul and mind. All +know this who know the unchangeableness of Thy Word, which I now knew, +as far as I could, nor did I at all doubt thereof. For, now to move the +limbs of the body by will, now not, now to be moved by some affection, +now not, now to deliver wise sayings through human signs, now to keep +silence, belong to soul and mind subject to variation. And should these +things be falsely written of Him, all the rest also would risk the +charge, nor would there remain in those books any saving faith for +mankind. Since then they were written truly, I acknowledged a perfect +man to be in Christ; not the body of a man only, nor, with the body, a +sensitive soul without a rational, but very man; whom, not only as being +a form of Truth, but for a certain great excellence of human nature and +a more perfect participation of wisdom, I judged to be preferred before +others. But Alypius imagined the Catholics to believe God to be so +clothed with flesh, that besides God and flesh, there was no soul at all +in Christ, and did not think that a human mind was ascribed to Him. And +because he was well persuaded that the actions recorded of Him could +only be performed by a vital and a rational creature, he moved the more +slowly towards the Christian Faith. But understanding afterwards that +this was the error of the Apollinarian heretics, he joyed in and was +conformed to the Catholic Faith. But somewhat later, I confess, did I +learn how in that saying, The Word was made flesh, the Catholic truth +is distinguished from the falsehood of Photinus. For the rejection of +heretics makes the tenets of Thy Church and sound doctrine to stand out +more clearly. For there must also be heresies, that the approved may be +made manifest among the weak. + +But having then read those books of the Platonists, and thence been +taught to search for incorporeal truth, I saw Thy invisible things, +understood by those things which are made; and though cast back, I +perceived what that was which through the darkness of my mind I was +hindered from contemplating, being assured "That Thou wert, and wert +infinite, and yet not diffused in space, finite or infinite; and that +Thou truly art Who art the same ever, in no part nor motion varying; +and that all other things are from Thee, on this most sure ground alone, +that they are." Of these things I was assured, yet too unsure to enjoy +Thee. I prated as one well skilled; but had I not sought Thy way in +Christ our Saviour, I had proved to be, not skilled, but killed. For now +I had begun to wish to seem wise, being filled with mine own punishment, +yet I did not mourn, but rather scorn, puffed up with knowledge. For +where was that charity building upon the foundation of humility, which +is Christ Jesus? or when should these books teach me it? Upon these, I +believe, Thou therefore willedst that I should fall, before I studied +Thy Scriptures, that it might be imprinted on my memory how I was +affected by them; and that afterwards when my spirits were tamed through +Thy books, and my wounds touched by Thy healing fingers, I might discern +and distinguish between presumption and confession; between those who +saw whither they were to go, yet saw not the way, and the way that +leadeth not to behold only but to dwell in the beatific country. For +had I first been formed in Thy Holy Scriptures, and hadst Thou in the +familiar use of them grown sweet unto me, and had I then fallen upon +those other volumes, they might perhaps have withdrawn me from the solid +ground of piety, or, had I continued in that healthful frame which I had +thence imbibed, I might have thought that it might have been obtained by +the study of those books alone. + +Most eagerly then did I seize that venerable writing of Thy Spirit; and +chiefly the Apostle Paul. Whereupon those difficulties vanished away, +wherein he once seemed to me to contradict himself, and the text of his +discourse not to agree with the testimonies of the Law and the Prophets. +And the face of that pure word appeared to me one and the same; and I +learned to rejoice with trembling. So I began; and whatsoever truth +I had read in those other books, I found here amid the praise of Thy +Grace; that whoso sees, may not so glory as if he had not received, not +only what he sees, but also that he sees (for what hath he, which he +hath not received?), and that he may be not only admonished to behold +Thee, who art ever the same, but also healed, to hold Thee; and that he +who cannot see afar off, may yet walk on the way, whereby he may arrive, +and behold, and hold Thee. For, though a man be delighted with the law +of God after the inner man, what shall he do with that other law in his +members which warreth against the law of his mind, and bringeth him +into captivity to the law of sin which is in his members? For, Thou art +righteous, O Lord, but we have sinned and committed iniquity, and have +done wickedly, and Thy hand is grown heavy upon us, and we are justly +delivered over unto that ancient sinner, the king of death; because +he persuaded our will to be like his will whereby he abode not in Thy +truth. What shall wretched man do? who shall deliver him from the body +of his death, but only Thy Grace, through Jesus Christ our Lord, whom +Thou hast begotten co-eternal, and formedst in the beginning of Thy +ways, in whom the prince of this world found nothing worthy of death, +yet killed he Him; and the handwriting, which was contrary to us, was +blotted out? This those writings contain not. Those pages present not +the image of this piety, the tears of confession, Thy sacrifice, a +troubled spirit, a broken and a contrite heart, the salvation of the +people, the Bridal City, the earnest of the Holy Ghost, the Cup of our +Redemption. No man sings there, Shall not my soul be submitted unto God? +for of Him cometh my salvation. For He is my God and my salvation, my +guardian, I shall no more be moved. No one there hears Him call, Come +unto Me, all ye that labour. They scorn to learn of Him, because He is +meek and lowly in heart; for these things hast Thou hid from the wise +and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes. For it is one thing, +from the mountain's shaggy top to see the land of peace, and to find no +way thither; and in vain to essay through ways unpassable, opposed and +beset by fugitives and deserters, under their captain the lion and the +dragon: and another to keep on the way that leads thither, guarded by +the host of the heavenly General; where they spoil not who have deserted +the heavenly army; for they avoid it, as very torment. These things did +wonderfully sink into my bowels, when I read that least of Thy Apostles, +and had meditated upon Thy works, and trembled exceedingly. + + + + +BOOK VIII + + +O my God, let me, with thanksgiving, remember, and confess unto Thee Thy +mercies on me. Let my bones be bedewed with Thy love, and let them say +unto Thee, Who is like unto Thee, O Lord? Thou hast broken my bonds in +sunder, I will offer unto Thee the sacrifice of thanksgiving. And how +Thou hast broken them, I will declare; and all who worship Thee, when +they hear this, shall say, "Blessed be the Lord, in heaven and in earth, +great and wonderful is his name." Thy words had stuck fast in my heart, +and I was hedged round about on all sides by Thee. Of Thy eternal life I +was now certain, though I saw it in a figure and as through a glass. Yet +I had ceased to doubt that there was an incorruptible substance, whence +was all other substance; nor did I now desire to be more certain of +Thee, but more steadfast in Thee. But for my temporal life, all was +wavering, and my heart had to be purged from the old leaven. The Way, +the Saviour Himself, well pleased me, but as yet I shrunk from going +through its straitness. And Thou didst put into my mind, and it seemed +good in my eyes, to go to Simplicianus, who seemed to me a good servant +of Thine; and Thy grace shone in him. I had heard also that from his +very youth he had lived most devoted unto Thee. Now he was grown into +years; and by reason of so great age spent in such zealous following of +Thy ways, he seemed to me likely to have learned much experience; and +so he had. Out of which store I wished that he would tell me (setting +before him my anxieties) which were the fittest way for one in my case +to walk in Thy paths. + +For, I saw the church full; and one went this way, and another that way. +But I was displeased that I led a secular life; yea now that my desires +no longer inflamed me, as of old, with hopes of honour and profit, +a very grievous burden it was to undergo so heavy a bondage. For, in +comparison of Thy sweetness, and the beauty of Thy house which I loved, +those things delighted me no longer. But still I was enthralled with +the love of woman; nor did the Apostle forbid me to marry, although he +advised me to something better, chiefly wishing that all men were as +himself was. But I being weak, chose the more indulgent place; and +because of this alone, was tossed up and down in all beside, faint and +wasted with withering cares, because in other matters I was constrained +against my will to conform myself to a married life, to which I was +given up and enthralled. I had heard from the mouth of the Truth, +that there were some eunuchs which had made themselves eunuchs for the +kingdom of heaven's sake: but, saith He, let him who can receive it, +receive it. Surely vain are all men who are ignorant of God, and could +not out of the good things which are seen, find out Him who is good. But +I was no longer in that vanity; I had surmounted it; and by the common +witness of all Thy creatures had found Thee our Creator, and Thy Word, +God with Thee, and together with Thee one God, by whom Thou createdst +all things. There is yet another kind of ungodly, who knowing God, +glorified Him not as God, neither were thankful. Into this also had +I fallen, but Thy right hand upheld me, and took me thence, and Thou +placedst me where I might recover. For Thou hast said unto man, Behold, +the fear of the Lord is wisdom, and, Desire not to seem wise; because +they who affirmed themselves to be wise, became fools. But I had now +found the goodly pearl, which, selling all that I had, I ought to have +bought, and I hesitated. + +To Simplicianus then I went, the father of Ambrose (a Bishop now) in +receiving Thy grace, and whom Ambrose truly loved as a father. To him I +related the mazes of my wanderings. But when I mentioned that I had read +certain books of the Platonists, which Victorinus, sometime Rhetoric +Professor of Rome (who had died a Christian, as I had heard), had +translated into Latin, he testified his joy that I had not fallen upon +the writings of other philosophers, full of fallacies and deceits, after +the rudiments of this world, whereas the Platonists many ways led to the +belief in God and His Word. Then to exhort me to the humility of +Christ, hidden from the wise, and revealed to little ones, he spoke of +Victorinus himself, whom while at Rome he had most intimately known: and +of him he related what I will not conceal. For it contains great praise +of Thy grace, to be confessed unto Thee, how that aged man, most learned +and skilled in the liberal sciences, and who had read, and weighed +so many works of the philosophers; the instructor of so many noble +Senators, who also, as a monument of his excellent discharge of his +office, had (which men of this world esteem a high honour) both deserved +and obtained a statue in the Roman Forum; he, to that age a worshipper +of idols, and a partaker of the sacrilegious rites, to which almost all +the nobility of Rome were given up, and had inspired the people with the +love of + + Anubis, barking Deity, and all + The monster Gods of every kind, who fought + 'Gainst Neptune, Venus, and Minerva: + +whom Rome once conquered, now adored, all which the aged Victorinus had +with thundering eloquence so many years defended;--he now blushed not +to be the child of Thy Christ, and the new-born babe of Thy fountain; +submitting his neck to the yoke of humility, and subduing his forehead +to the reproach of the Cross. + +O Lord, Lord, Which hast bowed the heavens and come down, touched the +mountains and they did smoke, by what means didst Thou convey Thyself +into that breast? He used to read (as Simplicianus said) the holy +Scripture, most studiously sought and searched into all the Christian +writings, and said to Simplicianus (not openly, but privately and as +a friend), "Understand that I am already a Christian." Whereto he +answered, "I will not believe it, nor will I rank you among Christians, +unless I see you in the Church of Christ." The other, in banter, +replied, "Do walls then make Christians?" And this he often said, that +he was already a Christian; and Simplicianus as often made the same +answer, and the conceit of the "walls" was by the other as often +renewed. For he feared to offend his friends, proud daemon-worshippers, +from the height of whose Babylonian dignity, as from cedars of Libanus, +which the Lord had not yet broken down, he supposed the weight of enmity +would fall upon him. But after that by reading and earnest thought he +had gathered firmness, and feared to be denied by Christ before the holy +angels, should he now be afraid to confess Him before men, and appeared +to himself guilty of a heavy offence, in being ashamed of the Sacraments +of the humility of Thy Word, and not being ashamed of the sacrilegious +rites of those proud daemons, whose pride he had imitated and their +rites adopted, he became bold-faced against vanity, and shame-faced +towards the truth, and suddenly and unexpectedly said to Simplicianus +(as himself told me), "Go we to the Church; I wish to be made a +Christian." But he, not containing himself for joy, went with him. And +having been admitted to the first Sacrament and become a Catechumen, not +long after he further gave in his name, that he might be regenerated by +baptism, Rome wondering, the Church rejoicing. The proud saw, and were +wroth; they gnashed with their teeth, and melted away. But the Lord +God was the hope of Thy servant, and he regarded not vanities and lying +madness. + +To conclude, when the hour was come for making profession of his faith +(which at Rome they, who are about to approach to Thy grace, deliver, +from an elevated place, in the sight of all the faithful, in a set +form of words committed to memory), the presbyters, he said, offered +Victorinus (as was done to such as seemed likely through bashfulness to +be alarmed) to make his profession more privately: but he chose rather +to profess his salvation in the presence of the holy multitude. "For +it was not salvation that he taught in rhetoric, and yet that he had +publicly professed: how much less then ought he, when pronouncing Thy +word, to dread Thy meek flock, who, when delivering his own words, +had not feared a mad multitude!" When, then, he went up to make his +profession, all, as they knew him, whispered his name one to another +with the voice of congratulation. And who there knew him not? and there +ran a low murmur through all the mouths of the rejoicing multitude, +Victorinus! Victorinus! Sudden was the burst of rapture, that they saw +him; suddenly were they hushed that they might hear him. He pronounced +the true faith with an excellent boldness, and all wished to draw him +into their very heart; yea by their love and joy they drew him thither, +such were the hands wherewith they drew him. + +Good God! what takes place in man, that he should more rejoice at the +salvation of a soul despaired of, and freed from greater peril, than if +there had always been hope of him, or the danger had been less? For so +Thou also, merciful Father, dost more rejoice over one penitent than +over ninety-nine just persons that need no repentance. And with much +joyfulness do we hear, so often as we hear with what joy the sheep which +had strayed is brought back upon the shepherd's shoulder, and the groat +is restored to Thy treasury, the neighbours rejoicing with the woman +who found it; and the joy of the solemn service of Thy house forceth +to tears, when in Thy house it is read of Thy younger son, that he was +dead, and liveth again; had been lost, and is found. For Thou rejoicest +in us, and in Thy holy angels, holy through holy charity. For Thou art +ever the same; for all things which abide not the same nor for ever, +Thou for ever knowest in the same way. + +What then takes place in the soul, when it is more delighted at finding +or recovering the things it loves, than if it had ever had them? yea, +and other things witness hereunto; and all things are full of witnesses, +crying out, "So is it." The conquering commander triumpheth; yet had he +not conquered unless he had fought; and the more peril there was in the +battle, so much the more joy is there in the triumph. The storm tosses +the sailors, threatens shipwreck; all wax pale at approaching death; +sky and sea are calmed, and they are exceeding joyed, as having been +exceeding afraid. A friend is sick, and his pulse threatens danger; all +who long for his recovery are sick in mind with him. He is restored, +though as yet he walks not with his former strength; yet there is such +joy, as was not, when before he walked sound and strong. Yea, the very +pleasures of human life men acquire by difficulties, not those only +which fall upon us unlooked for, and against our wills, but even by +self-chosen, and pleasure-seeking trouble. Eating and drinking have no +pleasure, unless there precede the pinching of hunger and thirst. Men, +given to drink, eat certain salt meats, to procure a troublesome heat, +which the drink allaying, causes pleasure. It is also ordered that the +affianced bride should not at once be given, lest as a husband he should +hold cheap whom, as betrothed, he sighed not after. + +This law holds in foul and accursed joy; this in permitted and lawful +joy; this in the very purest perfection of friendship; this, in him who +was dead, and lived again; had been lost and was found. Every where the +greater joy is ushered in by the greater pain. What means this, O Lord +my God, whereas Thou art everlastingly joy to Thyself, and some things +around Thee evermore rejoice in Thee? What means this, that this portion +of things thus ebbs and flows alternately displeased and reconciled? +Is this their allotted measure? Is this all Thou hast assigned to them, +whereas from the highest heavens to the lowest earth, from the beginning +of the world to the end of ages, from the angel to the worm, from the +first motion to the last, Thou settest each in its place, and realisest +each in their season, every thing good after its kind? Woe is me! how +high art Thou in the highest, and how deep in the deepest! and Thou +never departest, and we scarcely return to Thee. + +Up, Lord, and do; stir us up, and recall us; kindle and draw us; +inflame, grow sweet unto us, let us now love, let us run. Do not many, +out of a deeper hell of blindness than Victorinus, return to Thee, +approach, and are enlightened, receiving that Light, which they who +receive, receive power from Thee to become Thy sons? But if they be less +known to the nations, even they that know them, joy less for them. For +when many joy together, each also has more exuberant joy for that they +are kindled and inflamed one by the other. Again, because those known to +many, influence the more towards salvation, and lead the way with many +to follow. And therefore do they also who preceded them much rejoice in +them, because they rejoice not in them alone. For far be it, that in Thy +tabernacle the persons of the rich should be accepted before the poor, +or the noble before the ignoble; seeing rather Thou hast chosen the weak +things of the world to confound the strong; and the base things of this +world, and the things despised hast Thou chosen, and those things which +are not, that Thou mightest bring to nought things that are. And yet +even that least of Thy apostles, by whose tongue Thou soundedst forth +these words, when through his warfare, Paulus the Proconsul, his pride +conquered, was made to pass under the easy yoke of Thy Christ, and +became a provincial of the great King; he also for his former name Saul, +was pleased to be called Paul, in testimony of so great a victory. For +the enemy is more overcome in one, of whom he hath more hold; by whom +he hath hold of more. But the proud he hath more hold of, through their +nobility; and by them, of more through their authority. By how much the +more welcome then the heart of Victorinus was esteemed, which the devil +had held as an impregnable possession, the tongue of Victorinus, +with which mighty and keen weapon he had slain many; so much the more +abundantly ought Thy sons to rejoice, for that our King hath bound the +strong man, and they saw his vessels taken from him and cleansed, and +made meet for Thy honour; and become serviceable for the Lord, unto +every good work. + +But when that man of Thine, Simplicianus, related to me this of +Victorinus, I was on fire to imitate him; for for this very end had +he related it. But when he had subjoined also, how in the days of the +Emperor Julian a law was made, whereby Christians were forbidden to +teach the liberal sciences or oratory; and how he, obeying this law, +chose rather to give over the wordy school than Thy Word, by which +Thou makest eloquent the tongues of the dumb; he seemed to me not more +resolute than blessed, in having thus found opportunity to wait on Thee +only. Which thing I was sighing for, bound as I was, not with another's +irons, but by my own iron will. My will the enemy held, and thence had +made a chain for me, and bound me. For of a forward will, was a lust +made; and a lust served, became custom; and custom not resisted, became +necessity. By which links, as it were, joined together (whence I called +it a chain) a hard bondage held me enthralled. But that new will which +had begun to be in me, freely to serve Thee, and to wish to enjoy Thee, +O God, the only assured pleasantness, was not yet able to overcome my +former wilfulness, strengthened by age. Thus did my two wills, one new, +and the other old, one carnal, the other spiritual, struggle within me; +and by their discord, undid my soul. + +Thus, I understood, by my own experience, what I had read, how the flesh +lusteth against the spirit and the spirit against the flesh. Myself +verily either way; yet more myself, in that which I approved in myself, +than in that which in myself I disapproved. For in this last, it was now +for the more part not myself, because in much I rather endured against +my will, than acted willingly. And yet it was through me that custom had +obtained this power of warring against me, because I had come willingly, +whither I willed not. And who has any right to speak against it, if just +punishment follow the sinner? Nor had I now any longer my former plea, +that I therefore as yet hesitated to be above the world and serve Thee, +for that the truth was not altogether ascertained to me; for now it too +was. But I still under service to the earth, refused to fight under Thy +banner, and feared as much to be freed of all incumbrances, as we should +fear to be encumbered with it. Thus with the baggage of this present +world was I held down pleasantly, as in sleep: and the thoughts wherein +I meditated on Thee were like the efforts of such as would awake, who +yet overcome with a heavy drowsiness, are again drenched therein. And as +no one would sleep for ever, and in all men's sober judgment waking is +better, yet a man for the most part, feeling a heavy lethargy in all his +limbs, defers to shake off sleep, and though half displeased, yet, even +after it is time to rise, with pleasure yields to it, so was I assured +that much better were it for me to give myself up to Thy charity, than +to give myself over to mine own cupidity; but though the former course +satisfied me and gained the mastery, the latter pleased me and held me +mastered. Nor had I any thing to answer Thee calling to me, Awake, +thou that sleepest, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give thee +light. And when Thou didst on all sides show me that what Thou saidst +was true, I, convicted by the truth, had nothing at all to answer, but +only those dull and drowsy words, "Anon, anon," "presently," "leave +me but a little." But "presently, presently," had no present, and my +"little while" went on for a long while; in vain I delighted in Thy +law according to the inner man, when another law in my members rebelled +against the law of my mind, and led me captive under the law of sin +which was in my members. For the law of sin is the violence of custom, +whereby the mind is drawn and holden, even against its will; but +deservedly, for that it willingly fell into it. Who then should deliver +me thus wretched from the body of this death, but Thy grace only, +through Jesus Christ our Lord? + +And how Thou didst deliver me out of the bonds of desire, wherewith I +was bound most straitly to carnal concupiscence, and out of the drudgery +of worldly things, I will now declare, and confess unto Thy name, O +Lord, my helper and my redeemer. Amid increasing anxiety, I was doing +my wonted business, and daily sighing unto Thee. I attended Thy Church, +whenever free from the business under the burden of which I groaned. +Alypius was with me, now after the third sitting released from his law +business, and awaiting to whom to sell his counsel, as I sold the skill +of speaking, if indeed teaching can impart it. Nebridius had now, in +consideration of our friendship, consented to teach under Verecundus, a +citizen and a grammarian of Milan, and a very intimate friend of us all; +who urgently desired, and by the right of friendship challenged from our +company, such faithful aid as he greatly needed. Nebridius then was not +drawn to this by any desire of advantage (for he might have made much +more of his learning had he so willed), but as a most kind and gentle +friend, he would not be wanting to a good office, and slight our +request. But he acted herein very discreetly, shunning to become known +to personages great according to this world, avoiding the distraction +of mind thence ensuing, and desiring to have it free and at leisure, as +many hours as might be, to seek, or read, or hear something concerning +wisdom. + +Upon a day then, Nebridius being absent (I recollect not why), lo, there +came to see me and Alypius, one Pontitianus, our countryman so far as +being an African, in high office in the Emperor's court. What he would +with us, I know not, but we sat down to converse, and it happened that +upon a table for some game, before us, he observed a book, took, opened +it, and contrary to his expectation, found it the Apostle Paul; for he +thought it some of those books which I was wearing myself in teaching. +Whereat smiling, and looking at me, he expressed his joy and wonder that +he had on a sudden found this book, and this only before my eyes. For he +was a Christian, and baptised, and often bowed himself before Thee our +God in the Church, in frequent and continued prayers. When then I had +told him that I bestowed very great pains upon those Scriptures, a +conversation arose (suggested by his account) on Antony the Egyptian +monk: whose name was in high reputation among Thy servants, though to +that hour unknown to us. Which when he discovered, he dwelt the more +upon that subject, informing and wondering at our ignorance of one so +eminent. But we stood amazed, hearing Thy wonderful works most fully +attested, in times so recent, and almost in our own, wrought in the true +Faith and Church Catholic. We all wondered; we, that they were so great, +and he, that they had not reached us. + +Thence his discourse turned to the flocks in the monasteries, and their +holy ways, a sweet-smelling savour unto Thee, and the fruitful deserts +of the wilderness, whereof we knew nothing. And there was a monastery +at Milan, full of good brethren, without the city walls, under the +fostering care of Ambrose, and we knew it not. He went on with his +discourse, and we listened in intent silence. He told us then how one +afternoon at Triers, when the Emperor was taken up with the Circensian +games, he and three others, his companions, went out to walk in gardens +near the city walls, and there as they happened to walk in pairs, one +went apart with him, and the other two wandered by themselves; and +these, in their wanderings, lighted upon a certain cottage, inhabited +by certain of Thy servants, poor in spirit, of whom is the kingdom +of heaven, and there they found a little book containing the life of +Antony. This one of them began to read, admire, and kindle at it; and +as he read, to meditate on taking up such a life, and giving over his +secular service to serve Thee. And these two were of those whom they +style agents for the public affairs. Then suddenly, filled with a holy +love, and a sober shame, in anger with himself cast his eyes upon his +friend, saying, "Tell me, I pray thee, what would we attain by all these +labours of ours? what aim we at? what serve we for? Can our hopes in +court rise higher than to be the Emperor's favourites? and in this, what +is there not brittle, and full of perils? and by how many perils arrive +we at a greater peril? and when arrive we thither? But a friend of God, +if I wish it, I become now at once." So spake he. And in pain with the +travail of a new life, he turned his eyes again upon the book, and +read on, and was changed inwardly, where Thou sawest, and his mind was +stripped of the world, as soon appeared. For as he read, and rolled up +and down the waves of his heart, he stormed at himself a while, then +discerned, and determined on a better course; and now being Thine, said +to his friend, "Now have I broken loose from those our hopes, and am +resolved to serve God; and this, from this hour, in this place, I begin +upon. If thou likest not to imitate me, oppose not." The other answered, +he would cleave to him, to partake so glorious a reward, so glorious +a service. Thus both being now Thine, were building the tower at the +necessary cost, the forsaking all that they had, and following Thee. +Then Pontitianus and the other with him, that had walked in other parts +of the garden, came in search of them to the same place; and finding +them, reminded them to return, for the day was now far spent. But they +relating their resolution and purpose, and how that will was begun and +settled in them, begged them, if they would not join, not to molest +them. But the others, though nothing altered from their former selves, +did yet bewail themselves (as he affirmed), and piously congratulated +them, recommending themselves to their prayers; and so, with hearts +lingering on the earth, went away to the palace. But the other two, +fixing their heart on heaven, remained in the cottage. And both had +affianced brides, who when they heard hereof, also dedicated their +virginity unto God. + +Such was the story of Pontitianus; but Thou, O Lord, while he was +speaking, didst turn me round towards myself, taking me from behind my +back where I had placed me, unwilling to observe myself; and setting +me before my face, that I might see how foul I was, how crooked and +defiled, bespotted and ulcerous. And I beheld and stood aghast; and +whither to flee from myself I found not. And if I sought to turn mine +eye from off myself, he went on with his relation, and Thou again didst +set me over against myself, and thrustedst me before my eyes, that I +might find out mine iniquity, and hate it. I had known it, but made as +though I saw it not, winked at it, and forgot it. + +But now, the more ardently I loved those whose healthful affections I +heard of, that they had resigned themselves wholly to Thee to be cured, +the more did I abhor myself, when compared with them. For many of my +years (some twelve) had now run out with me since my nineteenth, when, +upon the reading of Cicero's Hortensius, I was stirred to an earnest +love of wisdom; and still I was deferring to reject mere earthly +felicity, and give myself to search out that, whereof not the finding +only, but the very search, was to be preferred to the treasures and +kingdoms of the world, though already found, and to the pleasures of the +body, though spread around me at my will. But I wretched, most wretched, +in the very commencement of my early youth, had begged chastity of Thee, +and said, "Give me chastity and continency, only not yet." For I feared +lest Thou shouldest hear me soon, and soon cure me of the disease +of concupiscence, which I wished to have satisfied, rather than +extinguished. And I had wandered through crooked ways in a sacrilegious +superstition, not indeed assured thereof, but as preferring it to the +others which I did not seek religiously, but opposed maliciously. + +And I had thought that I therefore deferred from day to day to reject +the hopes of this world, and follow Thee only, because there did not +appear aught certain, whither to direct my course. And now was the day +come wherein I was to be laid bare to myself, and my conscience was +to upbraid me. "Where art thou now, my tongue? Thou saidst that for an +uncertain truth thou likedst not to cast off the baggage of vanity; now, +it is certain, and yet that burden still oppresseth thee, while they who +neither have so worn themselves out with seeking it, nor for often years +and more have been thinking thereon, have had their shoulders lightened, +and received wings to fly away." Thus was I gnawed within, and +exceedingly confounded with a horrible shame, while Pontitianus was so +speaking. And he having brought to a close his tale and the business +he came for, went his way; and I into myself. What said I not against +myself? with what scourges of condemnation lashed I not my soul, that it +might follow me, striving to go after Thee! Yet it drew back; refused, +but excused not itself. All arguments were spent and confuted; there +remained a mute shrinking; and she feared, as she would death, to be +restrained from the flux of that custom, whereby she was wasting to +death. + +Then in this great contention of my inward dwelling, which I had +strongly raised against my soul, in the chamber of my heart, troubled in +mind and countenance, I turned upon Alypius. "What ails us?" I exclaim: +"what is it? what heardest thou? The unlearned start up and take heaven +by force, and we with our learning, and without heart, lo, where we +wallow in flesh and blood! Are we ashamed to follow, because others +are gone before, and not ashamed not even to follow?" Some such words I +uttered, and my fever of mind tore me away from him, while he, gazing on +me in astonishment, kept silence. For it was not my wonted tone; and my +forehead, cheeks, eyes, colour, tone of voice, spake my mind more than +the words I uttered. A little garden there was to our lodging, which we +had the use of, as of the whole house; for the master of the house, our +host, was not living there. Thither had the tumult of my breast hurried +me, where no man might hinder the hot contention wherein I had engaged +with myself, until it should end as Thou knewest, I knew not. Only I +was healthfully distracted and dying, to live; knowing what evil thing I +was, and not knowing what good thing I was shortly to become. I retired +then into the garden, and Alypius, on my steps. For his presence did not +lessen my privacy; or how could he forsake me so disturbed? We sate down +as far removed as might be from the house. I was troubled in spirit, +most vehemently indignant that I entered not into Thy will and covenant, +O my God, which all my bones cried out unto me to enter, and praised it +to the skies. And therein we enter not by ships, or chariots, or feet, +no, move not so far as I had come from the house to that place where we +were sitting. For, not to go only, but to go in thither was nothing else +but to will to go, but to will resolutely and thoroughly; not to turn +and toss, this way and that, a maimed and half-divided will, struggling, +with one part sinking as another rose. + +Lastly, in the very fever of my irresoluteness, I made with my body many +such motions as men sometimes would, but cannot, if either they have not +the limbs, or these be bound with bands, weakened with infirmity, or +any other way hindered. Thus, if I tore my hair, beat my forehead, if +locking my fingers I clasped my knee; I willed, I did it. But I might +have willed, and not done it; if the power of motion in my limbs had not +obeyed. So many things then I did, when "to will" was not in itself "to +be able"; and I did not what both I longed incomparably more to do, and +which soon after, when I should will, I should be able to do; because +soon after, when I should will, I should will thoroughly. For in these +things the ability was one with the will, and to will was to do; and yet +was it not done: and more easily did my body obey the weakest willing of +my soul, in moving its limbs at its nod, than the soul obeyed itself to +accomplish in the will alone this its momentous will. + +Whence is this monstrousness? and to what end? Let Thy mercy gleam that +I may ask, if so be the secret penalties of men, and those darkest +pangs of the sons of Adam, may perhaps answer me. Whence is this +monstrousness? and to what end? The mind commands the body, and it obeys +instantly; the mind commands itself, and is resisted. The mind commands +the hand to be moved; and such readiness is there, that command is +scarce distinct from obedience. Yet the mind is mind, the hand is body. +The mind commands the mind, its own self, to will, and yet it doth not. +Whence this monstrousness? and to what end? It commands itself, I say, +to will, and would not command, unless it willed, and what it commands +is not done. But it willeth not entirely: therefore doth it not command +entirely. For so far forth it commandeth, as it willeth: and, so far +forth is the thing commanded, not done, as it willeth not. For the will +commandeth that there be a will; not another, but itself. But it doth +not command entirely, therefore what it commandeth, is not. For were +the will entire, it would not even command it to be, because it would +already be. It is therefore no monstrousness partly to will, partly to +nill, but a disease of the mind, that it doth not wholly rise, by truth +upborne, borne down by custom. And therefore are there two wills, for +that one of them is not entire: and what the one lacketh, the other +hath. + +Let them perish from Thy presence, O God, as perish vain talkers and +seducers of the soul: who observing that in deliberating there were two +wills, affirm that there are two minds in us of two kinds, one good, the +other evil. Themselves are truly evil, when they hold these evil things; +and themselves shall become good when they hold the truth and assent +unto the truth, that Thy Apostle may say to them, Ye were sometimes +darkness, but now light in the Lord. But they, wishing to be light, not +in the Lord, but in themselves, imagining the nature of the soul to +be that which God is, are made more gross darkness through a dreadful +arrogancy; for that they went back farther from Thee, the true Light +that enlightened every man that cometh into the world. Take heed what +you say, and blush for shame: draw near unto Him and be enlightened, +and your faces shall not be ashamed. Myself when I was deliberating +upon serving the Lord my God now, as I had long purposed, it was I who +willed, I who nilled, I, I myself. I neither willed entirely, nor nilled +entirely. Therefore was I at strife with myself, and rent asunder by +myself. And this rent befell me against my will, and yet indicated, not +the presence of another mind, but the punishment of my own. Therefore it +was no more I that wrought it, but sin that dwelt in me; the punishment +of a sin more freely committed, in that I was a son of Adam. + +For if there be so many contrary natures as there be conflicting wills, +there shall now be not two only, but many. If a man deliberate whether +he should go to their conventicle or to the theatre, these Manichees +cry out, Behold, here are two natures: one good, draws this way; another +bad, draws back that way. For whence else is this hesitation between +conflicting wills? But I say that both be bad: that which draws to them, +as that which draws back to the theatre. But they believe not that +will to be other than good, which draws to them. What then if one of us +should deliberate, and amid the strife of his two wills be in a strait, +whether he should go to the theatre or to our church? would not these +Manichees also be in a strait what to answer? For either they must +confess (which they fain would not) that the will which leads to our +church is good, as well as theirs, who have received and are held by the +mysteries of theirs: or they must suppose two evil natures, and two evil +souls conflicting in one man, and it will not be true, which they say, +that there is one good and another bad; or they must be converted to the +truth, and no more deny that where one deliberates, one soul fluctuates +between contrary wills. + +Let them no more say then, when they perceive two conflicting wills +in one man, that the conflict is between two contrary souls, of two +contrary substances, from two contrary principles, one good, and the +other bad. For Thou, O true God, dost disprove, check, and convict them; +as when, both wills being bad, one deliberates whether he should kill +a man by poison or by the sword; whether he should seize this or that +estate of another's, when he cannot both; whether he should purchase +pleasure by luxury, or keep his money by covetousness; whether he go to +the circus or the theatre, if both be open on one day; or thirdly, to +rob another's house, if he have the opportunity; or, fourthly, to commit +adultery, if at the same time he have the means thereof also; all these +meeting together in the same juncture of time, and all being equally +desired, which cannot at one time be acted: for they rend the mind +amid four, or even (amid the vast variety of things desired) more, +conflicting wills, nor do they yet allege that there are so many divers +substances. So also in wills which are good. For I ask them, is it good +to take pleasure in reading the Apostle? or good to take pleasure in +a sober Psalm? or good to discourse on the Gospel? They will answer to +each, "it is good." What then if all give equal pleasure, and all at +once? Do not divers wills distract the mind, while he deliberates which +he should rather choose? yet are they all good, and are at variance till +one be chosen, whither the one entire will may be borne, which before +was divided into many. Thus also, when, above, eternity delights us, and +the pleasure of temporal good holds us down below, it is the same soul +which willeth not this or that with an entire will; and therefore is +rent asunder with grievous perplexities, while out of truth it sets this +first, but out of habit sets not that aside. + +Thus soul-sick was I, and tormented, accusing myself much more severely +than my wont, rolling and turning me in my chain, till that were wholly +broken, whereby I now was but just, but still was, held. And Thou, O +Lord, pressedst upon me in my inward parts by a severe mercy, redoubling +the lashes of fear and shame, lest I should again give way, and not +bursting that same slight remaining tie, it should recover strength, and +bind me the faster. For I said with myself, "Be it done now, be it done +now." And as I spake, I all but enacted it: I all but did it, and did +it not: yet sunk not back to my former state, but kept my stand hard by, +and took breath. And I essayed again, and wanted somewhat less of it, +and somewhat less, and all but touched, and laid hold of it; and yet +came not at it, nor touched nor laid hold of it; hesitating to die to +death and to live to life: and the worse whereto I was inured, prevailed +more with me than the better whereto I was unused: and the very moment +wherein I was to become other than I was, the nearer it approached me, +the greater horror did it strike into me; yet did it not strike me back, +nor turned me away, but held me in suspense. + +The very toys of toys, and vanities of vanities, my ancient mistresses, +still held me; they plucked my fleshy garment, and whispered softly, +"Dost thou cast us off? and from that moment shall we no more be with +thee for ever? and from that moment shall not this or that be lawful +for thee for ever?" And what was it which they suggested in that I said, +"this or that," what did they suggest, O my God? Let Thy mercy turn it +away from the soul of Thy servant. What defilements did they suggest! +what shame! And now I much less than half heard them, and not openly +showing themselves and contradicting me, but muttering as it were behind +my back, and privily plucking me, as I was departing, but to look back +on them. Yet they did retard me, so that I hesitated to burst and +shake myself free from them, and to spring over whither I was called; +a violent habit saying to me, "Thinkest thou, thou canst live without +them?" + +But now it spake very faintly. For on that side whither I had set my +face, and whither I trembled to go, there appeared unto me the chaste +dignity of Continency, serene, yet not relaxedly, gay, honestly alluring +me to come and doubt not; and stretching forth to receive and embrace +me, her holy hands full of multitudes of good examples: there were so +many young men and maidens here, a multitude of youth and every age, +grave widows and aged virgins; and Continence herself in all, not +barren, but a fruitful mother of children of joys, by Thee her Husband, +O Lord. And she smiled on me with a persuasive mockery, as would she +say, "Canst not thou what these youths, what these maidens can? or can +they either in themselves, and not rather in the Lord their God? The +Lord their God gave me unto them. Why standest thou in thyself, and +so standest not? cast thyself upon Him, fear not He will not withdraw +Himself that thou shouldest fall; cast thyself fearlessly upon Him, He +will receive, and will heal thee." And I blushed exceedingly, for that +I yet heard the muttering of those toys, and hung in suspense. And she +again seemed to say, "Stop thine ears against those thy unclean members +on the earth, that they may be mortified. They tell thee of delights, +but not as doth the law of the Lord thy God." This controversy in my +heart was self against self only. But Alypius sitting close by my side, +in silence waited the issue of my unwonted emotion. + +But when a deep consideration had from the secret bottom of my soul +drawn together and heaped up all my misery in the sight of my heart; +there arose a mighty storm, bringing a mighty shower of tears. Which +that I might pour forth wholly, in its natural expressions, I rose from +Alypius: solitude was suggested to me as fitter for the business of +weeping; so I retired so far that even his presence could not be a +burden to me. Thus was it then with me, and he perceived something of +it; for something I suppose I had spoken, wherein the tones of my voice +appeared choked with weeping, and so had risen up. He then remained +where we were sitting, most extremely astonished. I cast myself down I +know not how, under a certain fig-tree, giving full vent to my tears; +and the floods of mine eyes gushed out an acceptable sacrifice to Thee. +And, not indeed in these words, yet to this purpose, spake I much unto +Thee: and Thou, O Lord, how long? how long, Lord, wilt Thou be angry for +ever? Remember not our former iniquities, for I felt that I was held by +them. I sent up these sorrowful words: How long, how long, "to-morrow, +and tomorrow?" Why not now? why not is there this hour an end to my +uncleanness? + +So was I speaking and weeping in the most bitter contrition of my heart, +when, lo! I heard from a neighbouring house a voice, as of boy or girl, +I know not, chanting, and oft repeating, "Take up and read; Take up and +read." Instantly, my countenance altered, I began to think most intently +whether children were wont in any kind of play to sing such words: nor +could I remember ever to have heard the like. So checking the torrent +of my tears, I arose; interpreting it to be no other than a command from +God to open the book, and read the first chapter I should find. For I +had heard of Antony, that coming in during the reading of the Gospel, +he received the admonition, as if what was being read was spoken to him: +Go, sell all that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have +treasure in heaven, and come and follow me: and by such oracle he was +forthwith converted unto Thee. Eagerly then I returned to the place +where Alypius was sitting; for there had I laid the volume of the +Apostle when I arose thence. I seized, opened, and in silence read that +section on which my eyes first fell: Not in rioting and drunkenness, not +in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying; but put ye +on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, in +concupiscence. No further would I read; nor needed I: for instantly at +the end of this sentence, by a light as it were of serenity infused into +my heart, all the darkness of doubt vanished away. + +Then putting my finger between, or some other mark, I shut the volume, +and with a calmed countenance made it known to Alypius. And what was +wrought in him, which I knew not, he thus showed me. He asked to see +what I had read: I showed him; and he looked even further than I had +read, and I knew not what followed. This followed, him that is weak in +the faith, receive; which he applied to himself, and disclosed to me. +And by this admonition was he strengthened; and by a good resolution and +purpose, and most corresponding to his character, wherein he did always +very far differ from me, for the better, without any turbulent delay he +joined me. Thence we go in to my mother; we tell her; she rejoiceth: we +relate in order how it took place; she leaps for joy, and triumpheth, +and blesseth Thee, Who are able to do above that which we ask or think; +for she perceived that Thou hadst given her more for me, than she +was wont to beg by her pitiful and most sorrowful groanings. For thou +convertedst me unto Thyself, so that I sought neither wife, nor any hope +of this world, standing in that rule of faith, where Thou hadst showed +me unto her in a vision, so many years before. And Thou didst convert +her mourning into joy, much more plentiful than she had desired, and +in a much more precious and purer way than she erst required, by having +grandchildren of my body. + + + + +BOOK IX + + +O Lord, I am Thy servant; I am Thy servant, and the son of Thy handmaid: +Thou hast broken my bonds in sunder. I will offer to Thee the sacrifice +of praise. Let my heart and my tongue praise Thee; yea, let all my bones +say, O Lord, who is like unto Thee? Let them say, and answer Thou me, +and say unto my soul, I am thy salvation. Who am I, and what am I? What +evil have not been either my deeds, or if not my deeds, my words, or if +not my words, my will? But Thou, O Lord, are good and merciful, and Thy +right hand had respect unto the depth of my death, and from the bottom +of my heart emptied that abyss of corruption. And this Thy whole gift +was, to nill what I willed, and to will what Thou willedst. But where +through all those years, and out of what low and deep recess was my +free-will called forth in a moment, whereby to submit my neck to Thy +easy yoke, and my shoulders unto Thy light burden, O Christ Jesus, my +Helper and my Redeemer? How sweet did it at once become to me, to want +the sweetnesses of those toys! and what I feared to be parted from, was +now a joy to part with. For Thou didst cast them forth from me, Thou +true and highest sweetness. Thou castest them forth, and for them +enteredst in Thyself, sweeter than all pleasure, though not to flesh and +blood; brighter than all light, but more hidden than all depths, higher +than all honour, but not to the high in their own conceits. Now was my +soul free from the biting cares of canvassing and getting, and weltering +in filth, and scratching off the itch of lust. And my infant tongue +spake freely to Thee, my brightness, and my riches, and my health, the +Lord my God. + +And I resolved in Thy sight, not tumultuously to tear, but gently to +withdraw, the service of my tongue from the marts of lip-labour: that +the young, no students in Thy law, nor in Thy peace, but in lying +dotages and law-skirmishes, should no longer buy at my mouth arms for +their madness. And very seasonably, it now wanted but very few days unto +the Vacation of the Vintage, and I resolved to endure them, then in a +regular way to take my leave, and having been purchased by Thee, no +more to return for sale. Our purpose then was known to Thee; but to men, +other than our own friends, was it not known. For we had agreed among +ourselves not to let it out abroad to any: although to us, now ascending +from the valley of tears, and singing that song of degrees, Thou hadst +given sharp arrows, and destroying coals against the subtle tongue, +which as though advising for us, would thwart, and would out of love +devour us, as it doth its meat. + +Thou hadst pierced our hearts with Thy charity, and we carried Thy words +as it were fixed in our entrails: and the examples of Thy servants, +whom for black Thou hadst made bright, and for dead, alive, being piled +together in the receptacle of our thoughts, kindled and burned up that +our heavy torpor, that we should not sink down to the abyss; and they +fired us so vehemently, that all the blasts of subtle tongues from +gainsayers might only inflame us the more fiercely, not extinguish +us. Nevertheless, because for Thy Name's sake which Thou hast hallowed +throughout the earth, this our vow and purpose might also find some to +commend it, it seemed like ostentation not to wait for the vacation now +so near, but to quit beforehand a public profession, which was before +the eyes of all; so that all looking on this act of mine, and observing +how near was the time of vintage which I wished to anticipate, would +talk much of me, as if I had desired to appear some great one. And what +end had it served me, that people should repute and dispute upon my +purpose, and that our good should be evil spoken of. + +Moreover, it had at first troubled me that in this very summer my lungs +began to give way, amid too great literary labour, and to breathe deeply +with difficulty, and by the pain in my chest to show that they were +injured, and to refuse any full or lengthened speaking; this had +troubled me, for it almost constrained me of necessity to lay down that +burden of teaching, or, if I could be cured and recover, at least to +intermit it. But when the full wish for leisure, that I might see +how that Thou art the Lord, arose, and was fixed, in me; my God, Thou +knowest, I began even to rejoice that I had this secondary, and that +no feigned, excuse, which might something moderate the offence taken by +those who, for their sons' sake, wished me never to have the freedom of +Thy sons. Full then of such joy, I endured till that interval of time +were run; it may have been some twenty days, yet they were endured +manfully; endured, for the covetousness which aforetime bore a part of +this heavy business, had left me, and I remained alone, and had been +overwhelmed, had not patience taken its place. Perchance, some of Thy +servants, my brethren, may say that I sinned in this, that with a heart +fully set on Thy service, I suffered myself to sit even one hour in the +chair of lies. Nor would I be contentious. But hast not Thou, O most +merciful Lord, pardoned and remitted this sin also, with my other most +horrible and deadly sins, in the holy water? + +Verecundus was worn down with care about this our blessedness, for that +being held back by bonds, whereby he was most straitly bound, he saw +that he should be severed from us. For himself was not yet a Christian, +his wife one of the faithful; and yet hereby, more rigidly than by any +other chain, was he let and hindered from the journey which we had now +essayed. For he would not, he said, be a Christian on any other terms +than on those he could not. However, he offered us courteously to remain +at his country-house so long as we should stay there. Thou, O Lord, +shalt reward him in the resurrection of the just, seeing Thou hast +already given him the lot of the righteous. For although, in our +absence, being now at Rome, he was seized with bodily sickness, and +therein being made a Christian, and one of the faithful, he departed +this life; yet hadst Thou mercy not on him only, but on us also: lest +remembering the exceeding kindness of our friend towards us, yet unable +to number him among Thy flock, we should be agonised with intolerable +sorrow. Thanks unto Thee, our God, we are Thine: Thy suggestions +and consolations tell us, Faithful in promises, Thou now requitest +Verecundus for his country-house of Cassiacum, where from the fever +of the world we reposed in Thee, with the eternal freshness of Thy +Paradise: for that Thou hast forgiven him his sins upon earth, in that +rich mountain, that mountain which yieldeth milk, Thine own mountain. + +He then had at that time sorrow, but Nebridius joy. For although he +also, not being yet a Christian, had fallen into the pit of that most +pernicious error, believing the flesh of Thy Son to be a phantom: yet +emerging thence, he believed as we did; not as yet endued with any +Sacraments of Thy Church, but a most ardent searcher out of truth. Whom, +not long after our conversion and regeneration by Thy Baptism, being +also a faithful member of the Church Catholic, and serving Thee in +perfect chastity and continence amongst his people in Africa, his whole +house having through him first been made Christian, didst Thou release +from the flesh; and now he lives in Abraham's bosom. Whatever that be, +which is signified by that bosom, there lives my Nebridius, my sweet +friend, and Thy child, O Lord, adopted of a freed man: there he liveth. +For what other place is there for such a soul? There he liveth, whereof +he asked much of me, a poor inexperienced man. Now lays he not his ear +to my mouth, but his spiritual mouth unto Thy fountain, and drinketh as +much as he can receive, wisdom in proportion to his thirst, endlessly +happy. Nor do I think that he is so inebriated therewith, as to forget +me; seeing Thou, Lord, Whom he drinketh, art mindful of us. So were +we then, comforting Verecundus, who sorrowed, as far as friendship +permitted, that our conversion was of such sort; and exhorting him to +become faithful, according to his measure, namely, of a married estate; +and awaiting Nebridius to follow us, which, being so near, he was all +but doing: and so, lo! those days rolled by at length; for long and many +they seemed, for the love I bare to the easeful liberty, that I might +sing to Thee, from my inmost marrow, My heart hath said unto Thee, I +have sought Thy face: Thy face, Lord, will I seek. + +Now was the day come wherein I was in deed to be freed of my Rhetoric +Professorship, whereof in thought I was already freed. And it was done. +Thou didst rescue my tongue, whence Thou hadst before rescued my heart. +And I blessed Thee, rejoicing; retiring with all mine to the villa. What +I there did in writing, which was now enlisted in Thy service, though +still, in this breathing-time as it were, panting from the school of +pride, my books may witness, as well what I debated with others, as what +with myself alone, before Thee: what with Nebridius, who was absent, my +Epistles bear witness. And when shall I have time to rehearse all Thy +great benefits towards us at that time, especially when hasting on to +yet greater mercies? For my remembrance recalls me, and pleasant is it +to me, O Lord, to confess to Thee, by what inward goads Thou tamedst me; +and how Thou hast evened me, lowering the mountains and hills of my high +imaginations, straightening my crookedness, and smoothing my rough ways; +and how Thou also subduedst the brother of my heart, Alypius, unto the +name of Thy Only Begotten, our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, which +he would not at first vouchsafe to have inserted in our writings. For +rather would he have them savour of the lofty cedars of the Schools, +which the Lord hath now broken down, than of the wholesome herbs of the +Church, the antidote against serpents. + +Oh, in what accents spake I unto Thee, my God, when I read the Psalms of +David, those faithful songs, and sounds of devotion, which allow of no +swelling spirit, as yet a Catechumen, and a novice in Thy real love, +resting in that villa, with Alypius a Catechumen, my mother cleaving to +us, in female garb with masculine faith, with the tranquillity of age, +motherly love, Christian piety! Oh, what accents did I utter unto Thee +in those Psalms, and how was I by them kindled towards Thee, and on +fire to rehearse them, if possible, through the whole world, against the +pride of mankind! And yet they are sung through the whole world, nor can +any hide himself from Thy heat. With what vehement and bitter sorrow was +I angered at the Manichees! and again I pitied them, for they knew not +those Sacraments, those medicines, and were mad against the antidote +which might have recovered them of their madness. How I would they +had then been somewhere near me, and without my knowing that they were +there, could have beheld my countenance, and heard my words, when I read +the fourth Psalm in that time of my rest, and how that Psalm wrought +upon me: When I called, the God of my righteousness heard me; in +tribulation Thou enlargedst me. Have mercy upon me, O Lord, and hear +my prayer. Would that what I uttered on these words, they could hear, +without my knowing whether they heard, lest they should think I spake +it for their sakes! Because in truth neither should I speak the same +things, nor in the same way, if I perceived that they heard and saw me; +nor if I spake them would they so receive them, as when I spake by and +for myself before Thee, out of the natural feelings of my soul. + +I trembled for fear, and again kindled with hope, and with rejoicing in +Thy mercy, O Father; and all issued forth both by mine eyes and voice, +when Thy good Spirit turning unto us, said, O ye sons of men, how long +slow of heart? why do ye love vanity, and seek after leasing? For I had +loved vanity, and sought after leasing. And Thou, O Lord, hadst already +magnified Thy Holy One, raising Him from the dead, and setting Him at +Thy right hand, whence from on high He should send His promise, the +Comforter, the Spirit of truth. And He had already sent Him, but I knew +it not; He had sent Him, because He was now magnified, rising again from +the dead, and ascending into heaven. For till then, the Spirit was not +yet given, because Jesus was not yet glorified. And the prophet cries +out, How long, slow of heart? why do ye love vanity, and seek after +leasing? Know this, that the Lord hath magnified His Holy One. He cries +out, How long? He cries out, Know this: and I so long, not knowing, +loved vanity, and sought after leasing: and therefore I heard and +trembled, because it was spoken unto such as I remembered myself to +have been. For in those phantoms which I had held for truths, was +there vanity and leasing; and I spake aloud many things earnestly and +forcibly, in the bitterness of my remembrance. Which would they had +heard, who yet love vanity and seek after leasing! They would perchance +have been troubled, and have vomited it up; and Thou wouldest hear them +when they cried unto Thee; for by a true death in the flesh did He die +for us, who now intercedeth unto Thee for us. + +I further read, Be angry, and sin not. And how was I moved, O my God, +who had now learned to be angry at myself for things past, that I might +not sin in time to come! Yea, to be justly angry; for that it was not +another nature of a people of darkness which sinned for me, as they say +who are not angry at themselves, and treasure up wrath against the day +of wrath, and of the revelation of Thy just judgment. Nor were my good +things now without, nor sought with the eyes of flesh in that earthly +sun; for they that would have joy from without soon become vain, and +waste themselves on the things seen and temporal, and in their famished +thoughts do lick their very shadows. Oh that they were wearied out with +their famine, and said, Who will show us good things? And we would say, +and they hear, The light of Thy countenance is sealed upon us. For we +are not that light which enlighteneth every man, but we are enlightened +by Thee; that having been sometimes darkness, we may be light in Thee. +Oh that they could see the eternal Internal, which having tasted, I was +grieved that I could not show It them, so long as they brought me their +heart in their eyes roving abroad from Thee, while they said, Who will +show us good things? For there, where I was angry within myself in my +chamber, where I was inwardly pricked, where I had sacrificed, slaying +my old man and commencing the purpose of a new life, putting my trust +in Thee,--there hadst Thou begun to grow sweet unto me, and hadst put +gladness in my heart. And I cried out, as I read this outwardly, finding +it inwardly. Nor would I be multiplied with worldly goods; wasting away +time, and wasted by time; whereas I had in Thy eternal Simple Essence +other corn, and wine, and oil. + +And with a loud cry of my heart I cried out in the next verse, O in +peace, O for The Self-same! O what said he, I will lay me down and +sleep, for who shall hinder us, when cometh to pass that saying which is +written, Death is swallowed up in victory? And Thou surpassingly art the +Self-same, Who art not changed; and in Thee is rest which forgetteth all +toil, for there is none other with Thee, nor are we to seek those many +other things, which are not what Thou art: but Thou, Lord, alone hast +made me dwell in hope. I read, and kindled; nor found I what to do to +those deaf and dead, of whom myself had been, a pestilent person, a +bitter and a blind bawler against those writings, which are honied +with the honey of heaven, and lightsome with Thine own light: and I was +consumed with zeal at the enemies of this Scripture. + +When shall I recall all which passed in those holy-days? Yet neither +have I forgotten, nor will I pass over the severity of Thy scourge, and +the wonderful swiftness of Thy mercy. Thou didst then torment me with +pain in my teeth; which when it had come to such height that I could not +speak, it came into my heart to desire all my friends present to pray +for me to Thee, the God of all manner of health. And this I wrote on +wax, and gave it them to read. Presently so soon as with humble devotion +we had bowed our knees, that pain went away. But what pain? or how went +it away? I was affrighted, O my Lord, my God; for from infancy I had +never experienced the like. And the power of Thy Nod was deeply conveyed +to me, and rejoicing in faith, I praised Thy Name. And that faith +suffered me not to be at ease about my past sins, which were not yet +forgiven me by Thy baptism. + +The vintage-vacation ended, I gave notice to the Milanese to provide +their scholars with another master to sell words to them; for that I had +both made choice to serve Thee, and through my difficulty of breathing +and pain in my chest was not equal to the Professorship. And by letters +I signified to Thy Prelate, the holy man Ambrose, my former errors and +present desires, begging his advice what of Thy Scriptures I had best +read, to become readier and fitter for receiving so great grace. He +recommended Isaiah the Prophet: I believe, because he above the rest +is a more clear foreshower of the Gospel and of the calling of the +Gentiles. But I, not understanding the first lesson in him, and +imagining the whole to be like it, laid it by, to be resumed when better +practised in our Lord's own words. + +Thence, when the time was come wherein I was to give in my name, we left +the country and returned to Milan. It pleased Alypius also to be with +me born again in Thee, being already clothed with the humility befitting +Thy Sacraments; and a most valiant tamer of the body, so as, with +unwonted venture, to wear the frozen ground of Italy with his bare feet. +We joined with us the boy Adeodatus, born after the flesh, of my sin. +Excellently hadst Thou made him. He was not quite fifteen, and in wit +surpassed many grave and learned men. I confess unto Thee Thy gifts, +O Lord my God, Creator of all, and abundantly able to reform our +deformities: for I had no part in that boy, but the sin. For that we +brought him up in Thy discipline, it was Thou, none else, had inspired +us with it. I confess unto Thee Thy gifts. There is a book of ours +entitled The Master; it is a dialogue between him and me. Thou knowest +that all there ascribed to the person conversing with me were his ideas, +in his sixteenth year. Much besides, and yet more admirable, I found +in him. That talent struck awe into me. And who but Thou could be the +workmaster of such wonders? Soon didst Thou take his life from the +earth: and I now remember him without anxiety, fearing nothing for +his childhood or youth, or his whole self. Him we joined with us, our +contemporary in grace, to be brought up in Thy discipline: and we were +baptised, and anxiety for our past life vanished from us. Nor was I +sated in those days with the wondrous sweetness of considering the depth +of Thy counsels concerning the salvation of mankind. How did I weep, +in Thy Hymns and Canticles, touched to the quick by the voices of Thy +sweet-attuned Church! The voices flowed into mine ears, and the +Truth distilled into my heart, whence the affections of my devotion +overflowed, and tears ran down, and happy was I therein. + +Not long had the Church of Milan begun to use this kind of consolation +and exhortation, the brethren zealously joining with harmony of voice +and hearts. For it was a year, or not much more, that Justina, mother +to the Emperor Valentinian, a child, persecuted Thy servant Ambrose, in +favour of her heresy, to which she was seduced by the Arians. The devout +people kept watch in the Church, ready to die with their Bishop Thy +servant. There my mother Thy handmaid, bearing a chief part of those +anxieties and watchings, lived for prayer. We, yet unwarmed by the heat +of Thy Spirit, still were stirred up by the sight of the amazed and +disquieted city. Then it was first instituted that after the manner of +the Eastern Churches, Hymns and Psalms should be sung, lest the people +should wax faint through the tediousness of sorrow: and from that day to +this the custom is retained, divers (yea, almost all) Thy congregations, +throughout other parts of the world following herein. + +Then didst Thou by a vision discover to Thy forenamed Bishop where the +bodies of Gervasius and Protasius the martyrs lay hid (whom Thou hadst +in Thy secret treasury stored uncorrupted so many years), whence Thou +mightest seasonably produce them to repress the fury of a woman, but an +Empress. For when they were discovered and dug up, and with due honour +translated to the Ambrosian Basilica, not only they who were vexed with +unclean spirits (the devils confessing themselves) were cured, but a +certain man who had for many years been blind, a citizen, and well known +to the city, asking and hearing the reason of the people's confused joy, +sprang forth desiring his guide to lead him thither. Led thither, he +begged to be allowed to touch with his handkerchief the bier of Thy +saints, whose death is precious in Thy sight. Which when he had done, +and put to his eyes, they were forthwith opened. Thence did the fame +spread, thence Thy praises glowed, shone; thence the mind of that enemy, +though not turned to the soundness of believing, was yet turned back +from her fury of persecuting. Thanks to Thee, O my God. Whence and +whither hast Thou thus led my remembrance, that I should confess these +things also unto Thee? which great though they be, I had passed by in +forgetfulness. And yet then, when the odour of Thy ointments was so +fragrant, did we not run after Thee. Therefore did I more weep among +the singing of Thy Hymns, formerly sighing after Thee, and at length +breathing in Thee, as far as the breath may enter into this our house of +grass. + +Thou that makest men to dwell of one mind in one house, didst join with +us Euodius also, a young man of our own city. Who being an officer of +Court, was before us converted to Thee and baptised: and quitting his +secular warfare, girded himself to Thine. We were together, about to +dwell together in our devout purpose. We sought where we might serve +Thee most usefully, and were together returning to Africa: whitherward +being as far as Ostia, my mother departed this life. Much I omit, as +hastening much. Receive my confessions and thanksgivings, O my God, for +innumerable things whereof I am silent. But I will not omit whatsoever +my soul would bring forth concerning that Thy handmaid, who brought me +forth, both in the flesh, that I might be born to this temporal light, +and in heart, that I might be born to Light eternal. Not her gifts, but +Thine in her, would I speak of; for neither did she make nor educate +herself. Thou createdst her; nor did her father and mother know what a +one should come from them. And the sceptre of Thy Christ, the discipline +of Thine only Son, in a Christian house, a good member of Thy Church, +educated her in Thy fear. Yet for her good discipline was she wont +to commend not so much her mother's diligence, as that of a certain +decrepit maid-servant, who had carried her father when a child, as +little ones used to be carried at the backs of elder girls. For which +reason, and for her great age, and excellent conversation, was she, +in that Christian family, well respected by its heads. Whence also the +charge of her master's daughters was entrusted to her, to which she gave +diligent heed, restraining them earnestly, when necessary, with a holy +severity, and teaching them with a grave discretion. For, except at +those hours wherein they were most temporately fed at their parents' +table, she would not suffer them, though parched with thirst, to drink +even water; preventing an evil custom, and adding this wholesome advice: +"Ye drink water now, because you have not wine in your power; but when +you come to be married, and be made mistresses of cellars and cupboards, +you will scorn water, but the custom of drinking will abide." By this +method of instruction, and the authority she had, she refrained the +greediness of childhood, and moulded their very thirst to such an +excellent moderation that what they should not, that they would not. + +And yet (as Thy handmaid told me her son) there had crept upon her +a love of wine. For when (as the manner was) she, as though a sober +maiden, was bidden by her parents to draw wine out of the hogshed, +holding the vessel under the opening, before she poured the wine into +the flagon, she sipped a little with the tip of her lips; for more her +instinctive feelings refused. For this she did, not out of any desire +of drink, but out of the exuberance of youth, whereby it boils over in +mirthful freaks, which in youthful spirits are wont to be kept under by +the gravity of their elders. And thus by adding to that little, daily +littles (for whoso despiseth little things shall fall by little and +little), she had fallen into such a habit as greedily to drink off her +little cup brim-full almost of wine. Where was then that discreet old +woman, and that her earnest countermanding? Would aught avail against +a secret disease, if Thy healing hand, O Lord, watched not over us? +Father, mother, and governors absent, Thou present, who createdst, who +callest, who also by those set over us, workest something towards the +salvation of our souls, what didst Thou then, O my God? how didst Thou +cure her? how heal her? didst Thou not out of another soul bring forth a +hard and a sharp taunt, like a lancet out of Thy secret store, and with +one touch remove all that foul stuff? For a maid-servant with whom she +used to go to the cellar, falling to words (as it happens) with her +little mistress, when alone with her, taunted her with this fault, with +most bitter insult, calling her wine-bibber. With which taunt she, stung +to the quick, saw the foulness of her fault, and instantly condemned and +forsook it. As flattering friends pervert, so reproachful enemies mostly +correct. Yet not what by them Thou doest, but what themselves purposed, +dost Thou repay them. For she in her anger sought to vex her young +mistress, not to amend her; and did it in private, either for that the +time and place of the quarrel so found them; or lest herself also should +have anger, for discovering it thus late. But Thou, Lord, Governor +of all in heaven and earth, who turnest to Thy purposes the deepest +currents, and the ruled turbulence of the tide of times, didst by the +very unhealthiness of one soul heal another; lest any, when he observes +this, should ascribe it to his own power, even when another, whom he +wished to be reformed, is reformed through words of his. + +Brought up thus modestly and soberly, and made subject rather by Thee +to her parents, than by her parents to Thee, so soon as she was of +marriageable age, being bestowed upon a husband, she served him as her +lord; and did her diligence to win him unto Thee, preaching Thee unto +him by her conversation; by which Thou ornamentedst her, making her +reverently amiable, and admirable unto her husband. And she so endured +the wronging of her bed as never to have any quarrel with her husband +thereon. For she looked for Thy mercy upon him, that believing in Thee, +he might be made chaste. But besides this, he was fervid, as in his +affections, so in anger: but she had learnt not to resist an angry +husband, not in deed only, but not even in word. Only when he was +smoothed and tranquil, and in a temper to receive it, she would give an +account of her actions, if haply he had overhastily taken offence. In +a word, while many matrons, who had milder husbands, yet bore even in +their faces marks of shame, would in familiar talk blame their husbands' +lives, she would blame their tongues, giving them, as in jest, earnest +advice: "That from the time they heard the marriage writings read to +them, they should account them as indentures, whereby they were +made servants; and so, remembering their condition, ought not to set +themselves up against their lords." And when they, knowing what a +choleric husband she endured, marvelled that it had never been heard, +nor by any token perceived, that Patricius had beaten his wife, or that +there had been any domestic difference between them, even for one day, +and confidentially asking the reason, she taught them her practice above +mentioned. Those wives who observed it found the good, and returned +thanks; those who observed it not, found no relief, and suffered. + +Her mother-in-law also, at first by whisperings of evil servants +incensed against her, she so overcame by observance and persevering +endurance and meekness, that she of her own accord discovered to her +son the meddling tongues whereby the domestic peace betwixt her and her +daughter-in-law had been disturbed, asking him to correct them. Then, +when in compliance with his mother, and for the well-ordering of the +family, he had with stripes corrected those discovered, at her will who +had discovered them, she promised the like reward to any who, to please +her, should speak ill of her daughter-in-law to her: and none now +venturing, they lived together with a remarkable sweetness of mutual +kindness. + +This great gift also thou bestowedst, O my God, my mercy, upon that good +handmaid of Thine, in whose womb Thou createdst me, that between any +disagreeing and discordant parties where she was able, she showed +herself such a peacemaker, that hearing on both sides most bitter +things, such as swelling and indigested choler uses to break out into, +when the crudities of enmities are breathed out in sour discourses to a +present friend against an absent enemy, she never would disclose aught +of the one unto the other, but what might tend to their reconcilement. +A small good this might appear to me, did I not to my grief know +numberless persons, who through some horrible and wide-spreading +contagion of sin, not only disclose to persons mutually angered things +said in anger, but add withal things never spoken, whereas to humane +humanity, it ought to seem a light thing not to torment or increase ill +will by ill words, unless one study withal by good words to quench it. +Such was she, Thyself, her most inward Instructor, teaching her in the +school of the heart. + +Finally, her own husband, towards the very end of his earthly life, +did she gain unto Thee; nor had she to complain of that in him as a +believer, which before he was a believer she had borne from him. She was +also the servant of Thy servants; whosoever of them knew her, did in her +much praise and honour and love Thee; for that through the witness of +the fruits of a holy conversation they perceived Thy presence in her +heart. For she had been the wife of one man, had requited her parents, +had governed her house piously, was well reported of for good works, had +brought up children, so often travailing in birth of them, as she saw +them swerving from Thee. Lastly, of all of us Thy servants, O Lord (whom +on occasion of Thy own gift Thou sufferest to speak), us, who before her +sleeping in Thee lived united together, having received the grace of Thy +baptism, did she so take care of, as though she had been mother of us +all; so served us, as though she had been child to us all. + +The day now approaching whereon she was to depart this life (which day +Thou well knewest, we knew not), it came to pass, Thyself, as I believe, +by Thy secret ways so ordering it, that she and I stood alone, leaning +in a certain window, which looked into the garden of the house where we +now lay, at Ostia; where removed from the din of men, we were recruiting +from the fatigues of a long journey, for the voyage. We were discoursing +then together, alone, very sweetly; and forgetting those things which +are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, we +were enquiring between ourselves in the presence of the Truth, which +Thou art, of what sort the eternal life of the saints was to be, which +eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, nor hath it entered into the heart of +man. But yet we gasped with the mouth of our heart, after those heavenly +streams of Thy fountain, the fountain of life, which is with Thee; that +being bedewed thence according to our capacity, we might in some sort +meditate upon so high a mystery. + +And when our discourse was brought to that point, that the very highest +delight of the earthly senses, in the very purest material light, +was, in respect of the sweetness of that life, not only not worthy of +comparison, but not even of mention; we raising up ourselves with a more +glowing affection towards the "Self-same," did by degrees pass through +all things bodily, even the very heaven whence sun and moon and stars +shine upon the earth; yea, we were soaring higher yet, by inward musing, +and discourse, and admiring of Thy works; and we came to our own +minds, and went beyond them, that we might arrive at that region of +never-failing plenty, where Thou feedest Israel for ever with the food +of truth, and where life is the Wisdom by whom all these things are +made, and what have been, and what shall be, and she is not made, but +is, as she hath been, and so shall she be ever; yea rather, to "have +been," and "hereafter to be," are not in her, but only "to be," seeing +she is eternal. For to "have been," and to "be hereafter," are not +eternal. And while we were discoursing and panting after her, we +slightly touched on her with the whole effort of our heart; and we +sighed, and there we leave bound the first fruits of the Spirit; and +returned to vocal expressions of our mouth, where the word spoken +has beginning and end. And what is like unto Thy Word, our Lord, who +endureth in Himself without becoming old, and maketh all things new? + +We were saying then: If to any the tumult of the flesh were hushed, +hushed the images of earth, and waters, and air, hushed also the pole of +heaven, yea the very soul be hushed to herself, and by not thinking on +self surmount self, hushed all dreams and imaginary revelations, every +tongue and every sign, and whatsoever exists only in transition, since +if any could hear, all these say, We made not ourselves, but He made us +that abideth for ever--If then having uttered this, they too should be +hushed, having roused only our ears to Him who made them, and He alone +speak, not by them but by Himself, that we may hear His Word, not +through any tongue of flesh, nor Angel's voice, nor sound of thunder, +nor in the dark riddle of a similitude, but might hear Whom in these +things we love, might hear His Very Self without these (as we two now +strained ourselves, and in swift thought touched on that Eternal Wisdom +which abideth over all);--could this be continued on, and other visions +of kind far unlike be withdrawn, and this one ravish, and absorb, and +wrap up its beholder amid these inward joys, so that life might be for +ever like that one moment of understanding which now we sighed after; +were not this, Enter into thy Master's joy? And when shall that be? When +we shall all rise again, though we shall not all be changed? + +Such things was I speaking, and even if not in this very manner, and +these same words, yet, Lord, Thou knowest that in that day when we were +speaking of these things, and this world with all its delights became, +as we spake, contemptible to us, my mother said, "Son, for mine own part +I have no further delight in any thing in this life. What I do here any +longer, and to what I am here, I know not, now that my hopes in this +world are accomplished. One thing there was for which I desired to +linger for a while in this life, that I might see thee a Catholic +Christian before I died. My God hath done this for me more abundantly, +that I should now see thee withal, despising earthly happiness, become +His servant: what do I here?" + +What answer I made her unto these things, I remember not. For scarce +five days after, or not much more, she fell sick of a fever; and in that +sickness one day she fell into a swoon, and was for a while withdrawn +from these visible things. We hastened round her; but she was soon +brought back to her senses; and looking on me and my brother standing by +her, said to us enquiringly, "Where was I?" And then looking fixedly on +us, with grief amazed: "Here," saith she, "shall you bury your mother." +I held my peace and refrained weeping; but my brother spake something, +wishing for her, as the happier lot, that she might die, not in a +strange place, but in her own land. Whereat, she with anxious look, +checking him with her eyes, for that he still savoured such things, and +then looking upon me: "Behold," saith she, "what he saith": and soon +after to us both, "Lay," she saith, "this body any where; let not the +care for that any way disquiet you: this only I request, that you would +remember me at the Lord's altar, wherever you be." And having delivered +this sentiment in what words she could, she held her peace, being +exercised by her growing sickness. + +But I, considering Thy gifts, Thou unseen God, which Thou instillest +into the hearts of Thy faithful ones, whence wondrous fruits do spring, +did rejoice and give thanks to Thee, recalling what I before knew, how +careful and anxious she had ever been as to her place of burial, which +she had provided and prepared for herself by the body of her husband. +For because they had lived in great harmony together, she also wished +(so little can the human mind embrace things divine) to have this +addition to that happiness, and to have it remembered among men, that +after her pilgrimage beyond the seas, what was earthly of this united +pair had been permitted to be united beneath the same earth. But when +this emptiness had through the fulness of Thy goodness begun to cease in +her heart, I knew not, and rejoiced admiring what she had so disclosed +to me; though indeed in that our discourse also in the window, when she +said, "What do I here any longer?" there appeared no desire of dying +in her own country. I heard afterwards also, that when we were now +at Ostia, she with a mother's confidence, when I was absent, one day +discoursed with certain of my friends about the contempt of this life, +and the blessing of death: and when they were amazed at such courage +which Thou hadst given to a woman, and asked, "Whether she were not +afraid to leave her body so far from her own city?" she replied, +"Nothing is far to God; nor was it to be feared lest at the end of the +world, He should not recognise whence He were to raise me up." On the +ninth day then of her sickness, and the fifty-sixth year of her age, and +the three-and-thirtieth of mine, was that religious and holy soul freed +from the body. + +I closed her eyes; and there flowed withal a mighty sorrow into my +heart, which was overflowing into tears; mine eyes at the same time, by +the violent command of my mind, drank up their fountain wholly dry; and +woe was me in such a strife! But when she breathed her last, the boy +Adeodatus burst out into a loud lament; then, checked by us all, held +his peace. In like manner also a childish feeling in me, which was, +through my heart's youthful voice, finding its vent in weeping, was +checked and silenced. For we thought it not fitting to solemnise that +funeral with tearful lament, and groanings; for thereby do they for +the most part express grief for the departed, as though unhappy, or +altogether dead; whereas she was neither unhappy in her death, nor +altogether dead. Of this we were assured on good grounds, the testimony +of her good conversation and her faith unfeigned. + +What then was it which did grievously pain me within, but a fresh wound +wrought through the sudden wrench of that most sweet and dear custom of +living together? I joyed indeed in her testimony, when, in that her last +sickness, mingling her endearments with my acts of duty, she called me +"dutiful," and mentioned, with great affection of love, that she never +had heard any harsh or reproachful sound uttered by my mouth against +her. But yet, O my God, Who madest us, what comparison is there betwixt +that honour that I paid to her, and her slavery for me? Being then +forsaken of so great comfort in her, my soul was wounded, and that life +rent asunder as it were, which, of hers and mine together, had been made +but one. + +The boy then being stilled from weeping, Euodius took up the Psalter, +and began to sing, our whole house answering him, the Psalm, I will sing +of mercy and judgments to Thee, O Lord. But hearing what we were doing, +many brethren and religious women came together; and whilst they (whose +office it was) made ready for the burial, as the manner is, I, in a part +of the house, where I might properly, together with those who thought +not fit to leave me, discoursed upon something fitting the time; and by +this balm of truth assuaged that torment, known to Thee, they unknowing +and listening intently, and conceiving me to be without all sense of +sorrow. But in Thy ears, where none of them heard, I blamed the weakness +of my feelings, and refrained my flood of grief, which gave way a little +unto me; but again came, as with a tide, yet not so as to burst out into +tears, nor to change of countenance; still I knew what I was keeping +down in my heart. And being very much displeased that these human things +had such power over me, which in the due order and appointment of our +natural condition must needs come to pass, with a new grief I grieved +for my grief, and was thus worn by a double sorrow. + +And behold, the corpse was carried to the burial; we went and returned +without tears. For neither in those prayers which we poured forth unto +Thee, when the Sacrifice of our ransom was offered for her, when now the +corpse was by the grave's side, as the manner there is, previous to its +being laid therein, did I weep even during those prayers; yet was I the +whole day in secret heavily sad, and with troubled mind prayed Thee, as +I could, to heal my sorrow, yet Thou didst not; impressing, I believe, +upon my memory by this one instance, how strong is the bond of all +habit, even upon a soul, which now feeds upon no deceiving Word. It +seemed also good to me to go and bathe, having heard that the bath had +its name (balneum) from the Greek Balaneion for that it drives sadness +from the mind. And this also I confess unto Thy mercy, Father of the +fatherless, that I bathed, and was the same as before I bathed. For the +bitterness of sorrow could not exude out of my heart. Then I slept, and +woke up again, and found my grief not a little softened; and as I was +alone in my bed, I remembered those true verses of Thy Ambrose. For Thou +art the + + "Maker of all, the Lord, + And Ruler of the height, + Who, robing day in light, hast poured + Soft slumbers o'er the night, + That to our limbs the power + Of toil may be renew'd, + And hearts be rais'd that sink and cower, + And sorrows be subdu'd." + +And then by little and little I recovered my former thoughts of Thy +handmaid, her holy conversation towards Thee, her holy tenderness and +observance towards us, whereof I was suddenly deprived: and I was minded +to weep in Thy sight, for her and for myself, in her behalf and in my +own. And I gave way to the tears which I before restrained, to overflow +as much as they desired; reposing my heart upon them; and it found rest +in them, for it was in Thy ears, not in those of man, who would have +scornfully interpreted my weeping. And now, Lord, in writing I confess +it unto Thee. Read it, who will, and interpret it, how he will: and if +he finds sin therein, that I wept my mother for a small portion of an +hour (the mother who for the time was dead to mine eyes, who had for +many years wept for me that I might live in Thine eyes), let him not +deride me; but rather, if he be one of large charity, let him weep +himself for my sins unto Thee, the Father of all the brethren of Thy +Christ. + +But now, with a heart cured of that wound, wherein it might seem +blameworthy for an earthly feeling, I pour out unto Thee, our God, in +behalf of that Thy handmaid, a far different kind of tears, flowing from +a spirit shaken by the thoughts of the dangers of every soul that dieth +in Adam. And although she having been quickened in Christ, even before +her release from the flesh, had lived to the praise of Thy name for +her faith and conversation; yet dare I not say that from what time Thou +regeneratedst her by baptism, no word issued from her mouth against Thy +Commandment. Thy Son, the Truth, hath said, Whosoever shall say unto +his brother, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire. And woe be even +unto the commendable life of men, if, laying aside mercy, Thou shouldest +examine it. But because Thou art not extreme in enquiring after sins, we +confidently hope to find some place with Thee. But whosoever reckons up +his real merits to Thee, what reckons he up to Thee but Thine own gifts? +O that men would know themselves to be men; and that he that glorieth +would glory in the Lord. + +I therefore, O my Praise and my Life, God of my heart, laying aside for +a while her good deeds, for which I give thanks to Thee with joy, do now +beseech Thee for the sins of my mother. Hearken unto me, I entreat Thee, +by the Medicine of our wounds, Who hung upon the tree, and now sitting +at Thy right hand maketh intercession to Thee for us. I know that she +dealt mercifully, and from her heart forgave her debtors their debts; do +Thou also forgive her debts, whatever she may have contracted in so +many years, since the water of salvation. Forgive her, Lord, forgive, I +beseech Thee; enter not into judgment with her. Let Thy mercy be exalted +above Thy justice, since Thy words are true, and Thou hast promised +mercy unto the merciful; which Thou gavest them to be, who wilt have +mercy on whom Thou wilt have mercy; and wilt have compassion on whom +Thou hast had compassion. + +And, I believe, Thou hast already done what I ask; but accept, O Lord, +the free-will offerings of my mouth. For she, the day of her dissolution +now at hand, took no thought to have her body sumptuously wound up, or +embalmed with spices; nor desired she a choice monument, or to be buried +in her own land. These things she enjoined us not; but desired only to +have her name commemorated at Thy Altar, which she had served without +intermission of one day: whence she knew the holy Sacrifice to be +dispensed, by which the hand-writing that was against us is blotted out; +through which the enemy was triumphed over, who summing up our offences, +and seeking what to lay to our charge, found nothing in Him, in Whom we +conquer. Who shall restore to Him the innocent blood? Who repay Him +the price wherewith He bought us, and so take us from Him? Unto the +Sacrament of which our ransom, Thy handmaid bound her soul by the bond +of faith. Let none sever her from Thy protection: let neither the lion +nor the dragon interpose himself by force or fraud. For she will not +answer that she owes nothing, lest she be convicted and seized by the +crafty accuser: but she will answer that her sins are forgiven her by +Him, to Whom none can repay that price which He, Who owed nothing, paid +for us. + +May she rest then in peace with the husband before and after whom she +had never any; whom she obeyed, with patience bringing forth fruit unto +Thee, that she might win him also unto Thee. And inspire, O Lord my God, +inspire Thy servants my brethren, Thy sons my masters, whom with +voice, and heart, and pen I serve, that so many as shall read these +Confessions, may at Thy Altar remember Monnica Thy handmaid, with +Patricius, her sometimes husband, by whose bodies Thou broughtest me +into this life, how I know not. May they with devout affection remember +my parents in this transitory light, my brethren under Thee our Father +in our Catholic Mother, and my fellow-citizens in that eternal Jerusalem +which Thy pilgrim people sigheth after from their Exodus, even unto +their return thither. That so my mother's last request of me, may +through my confessions, more than through my prayers, be, through the +prayers of many, more abundantly fulfilled to her. + + + + +BOOK X + + +Let me know Thee, O Lord, who knowest me: let me know Thee, as I am +known. Power of my soul, enter into it, and fit it for Thee, that +Thou mayest have and hold it without spot or wrinkle. This is my hope, +therefore do I speak; and in this hope do I rejoice, when I rejoice +healthfully. Other things of this life are the less to be sorrowed for, +the more they are sorrowed for; and the more to be sorrowed for, the +less men sorrow for them. For behold, Thou lovest the truth, and he that +doth it, cometh to the light. This would I do in my heart before Thee in +confession: and in my writing, before many witnesses. + +And from Thee, O Lord, unto whose eyes the abyss of man's conscience is +naked, what could be hidden in me though I would not confess it? For +I should hide Thee from me, not me from Thee. But now, for that my +groaning is witness, that I am displeased with myself, Thou shinest out, +and art pleasing, and beloved, and longed for; that I may be ashamed of +myself, and renounce myself, and choose Thee, and neither please Thee +nor myself, but in Thee. To Thee therefore, O Lord, am I open, whatever +I am; and with what fruit I confess unto Thee, I have said. Nor do I it +with words and sounds of the flesh, but with the words of my soul, and +the cry of the thought which Thy ear knoweth. For when I am evil, then +to confess to Thee is nothing else than to be displeased with myself; +but when holy, nothing else than not to ascribe it to myself: because +Thou, O Lord, blessest the godly, but first Thou justifieth him when +ungodly. My confession then, O my God, in Thy sight, is made silently, +and not silently. For in sound, it is silent; in affection, it cries +aloud. For neither do I utter any thing right unto men, which Thou hast +not before heard from me; nor dost Thou hear any such thing from me, +which Thou hast not first said unto me. + +What then have I to do with men, that they should hear my +confessions--as if they could heal all my infirmities--a race, curious +to know the lives of others, slothful to amend their own? Why seek they +to hear from me what I am; who will not hear from Thee what themselves +are? And how know they, when from myself they hear of myself, whether +I say true; seeing no man knows what is in man, but the spirit of man +which is in him? But if they hear from Thee of themselves, they cannot +say, "The Lord lieth." For what is it to hear from Thee of themselves, +but to know themselves? and who knoweth and saith, "It is false," unless +himself lieth? But because charity believeth all things (that is, among +those whom knitting unto itself it maketh one), I also, O Lord, will +in such wise confess unto Thee, that men may hear, to whom I cannot +demonstrate whether I confess truly; yet they believe me, whose ears +charity openeth unto me. + +But do Thou, my inmost Physician, make plain unto me what fruit I may +reap by doing it. For the confessions of my past sins, which Thou hast +forgiven and covered, that Thou mightest bless me in Thee, changing my +soul by Faith and Thy Sacrament, when read and heard, stir up the heart, +that it sleep not in despair and say "I cannot," but awake in the love +of Thy mercy and the sweetness of Thy grace, whereby whoso is weak, is +strong, when by it he became conscious of his own weakness. And the good +delight to hear of the past evils of such as are now freed from them, +not because they are evils, but because they have been and are not. With +what fruit then, O Lord my God, to Whom my conscience daily confesseth, +trusting more in the hope of Thy mercy than in her own innocency, +with what fruit, I pray, do I by this book confess to men also in Thy +presence what I now am, not what I have been? For that other fruit I +have seen and spoken of. But what I now am, at the very time of making +these confessions, divers desire to know, who have or have not known me, +who have heard from me or of me; but their ear is not at my heart where +I am, whatever I am. They wish then to hear me confess what I am within; +whither neither their eye, nor ear, nor understanding can reach; they +wish it, as ready to believe--but will they know? For charity, whereby +they are good, telleth them that in my confessions I lie not; and she in +them, believeth me. + +But for what fruit would they hear this? Do they desire to joy with me, +when they hear how near, by Thy gift, I approach unto Thee? and to pray +for me, when they shall hear how much I am held back by my own weight? +To such will I discover myself. For it is no mean fruit, O Lord my God, +that by many thanks should be given to Thee on our behalf, and Thou be +by many entreated for us. Let the brotherly mind love in me what Thou +teachest is to be loved, and lament in me what Thou teachest is to be +lamented. Let a brotherly, not a stranger, mind, not that of the strange +children, whose mouth talketh of vanity, and their right hand is a +right hand of iniquity, but that brotherly mind which when it approveth, +rejoiceth for me, and when it disapproveth me, is sorry for me; because +whether it approveth or disapproveth, it loveth me. To such will I +discover myself: they will breathe freely at my good deeds, sigh for my +ill. My good deeds are Thine appointments, and Thy gifts; my evil ones +are my offences, and Thy judgments. Let them breathe freely at the one, +sigh at the other; and let hymns and weeping go up into Thy sight, +out of the hearts of my brethren, Thy censers. And do Thou, O Lord, +be pleased with the incense of Thy holy temple, have mercy upon me +according to Thy great mercy for Thine own name's sake; and no ways +forsaking what Thou hast begun, perfect my imperfections. + +This is the fruit of my confessions of what I am, not of what I have +been, to confess this, not before Thee only, in a secret exultation with +trembling, and a secret sorrow with hope; but in the ears also of the +believing sons of men, sharers of my joy, and partners in my mortality, +my fellow-citizens, and fellow-pilgrims, who are gone before, or are to +follow on, companions of my way. These are Thy servants, my brethren, +whom Thou willest to be Thy sons; my masters, whom Thou commandest me to +serve, if I would live with Thee, of Thee. But this Thy Word were little +did it only command by speaking, and not go before in performing. This +then I do in deed and word, this I do under Thy wings; in over great +peril, were not my soul subdued unto Thee under Thy wings, and my +infirmity known unto Thee. I am a little one, but my Father ever liveth, +and my Guardian is sufficient for me. For He is the same who begat me, +and defends me: and Thou Thyself art all my good; Thou, Almighty, +Who are with me, yea, before I am with Thee. To such then whom Thou +commandest me to serve will I discover, not what I have been, but what I +now am and what I yet am. But neither do I judge myself. Thus therefore +I would be heard. + +For Thou, Lord, dost judge me: because, although no man knoweth the +things of a man, but the spirit of a man which is in him, yet is there +something of man, which neither the spirit of man that is in him, itself +knoweth. But Thou, Lord, knowest all of him, Who hast made him. Yet I, +though in Thy sight I despise myself, and account myself dust and ashes; +yet know I something of Thee, which I know not of myself. And truly, +now we see through a glass darkly, not face to face as yet. So long +therefore as I be absent from Thee, I am more present with myself than +with Thee; and yet know I Thee that Thou art in no ways passible; but I, +what temptations I can resist, what I cannot, I know not. And there is +hope, because Thou art faithful, Who wilt not suffer us to be tempted +above that we are able; but wilt with the temptation also make a way to +escape, that we may be able to bear it. I will confess then what I +know of myself, I will confess also what I know not of myself. And that +because what I do know of myself, I know by Thy shining upon me; and +what I know not of myself, so long know I not it, until my darkness be +made as the noon-day in Thy countenance. + +Not with doubting, but with assured consciousness, do I love Thee, Lord. +Thou hast stricken my heart with Thy word, and I loved Thee. Yea also +heaven, and earth, and all that therein is, behold, on every side they +bid me love Thee; nor cease to say so unto all, that they may be without +excuse. But more deeply wilt Thou have mercy on whom Thou wilt have +mercy, and wilt have compassion on whom Thou hast had compassion: else +in deaf ears do the heaven and the earth speak Thy praises. But what do +I love, when I love Thee? not beauty of bodies, nor the fair harmony +of time, nor the brightness of the light, so gladsome to our eyes, nor +sweet melodies of varied songs, nor the fragrant smell of flowers, and +ointments, and spices, not manna and honey, not limbs acceptable to +embracements of flesh. None of these I love, when I love my God; and +yet I love a kind of light, and melody, and fragrance, and meat, and +embracement when I love my God, the light, melody, fragrance, meat, +embracement of my inner man: where there shineth unto my soul what space +cannot contain, and there soundeth what time beareth not away, and there +smelleth what breathing disperseth not, and there tasteth what eating +diminisheth not, and there clingeth what satiety divorceth not. This is +it which I love when I love my God. + +And what is this? I asked the earth, and it answered me, "I am not He"; +and whatsoever are in it confessed the same. I asked the sea and the +deeps, and the living creeping things, and they answered, "We are not +thy God, seek above us." I asked the moving air; and the whole air with +his inhabitants answered, "Anaximenes was deceived, I am not God." I +asked the heavens, sun, moon, stars, "Nor (say they) are we the God whom +thou seekest." And I replied unto all the things which encompass the +door of my flesh: "Ye have told me of my God, that ye are not He; tell +me something of Him." And they cried out with a loud voice, "He made +us." My questioning them, was my thoughts on them: and their form of +beauty gave the answer. And I turned myself unto myself, and said to +myself, "Who art thou?" And I answered, "A man." And behold, in me there +present themselves to me soul, and body, one without, the other within. +By which of these ought I to seek my God? I had sought Him in the body +from earth to heaven, so far as I could send messengers, the beams +of mine eyes. But the better is the inner, for to it as presiding and +judging, all the bodily messengers reported the answers of heaven and +earth, and all things therein, who said, "We are not God, but He made +us." These things did my inner man know by the ministry of the outer: I +the inner knew them; I, the mind, through the senses of my body. I asked +the whole frame of the world about my God; and it answered me, "I am not +He, but He made me." + +Is not this corporeal figure apparent to all whose senses are perfect? +why then speaks it not the same to all? Animals small and great see it, +but they cannot ask it: because no reason is set over their senses to +judge on what they report. But men can ask, so that the invisible things +of God are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made; +but by love of them, they are made subject unto them: and subjects +cannot judge. Nor yet do the creatures answer such as ask, unless they +can judge; nor yet do they change their voice (i.e., their appearance), +if one man only sees, another seeing asks, so as to appear one way to +this man, another way to that, but appearing the same way to both, it is +dumb to this, speaks to that; yea rather it speaks to all; but they only +understand, who compare its voice received from without, with the truth +within. For truth saith unto me, "Neither heaven, nor earth, nor any +other body is thy God." This, their very nature saith to him that seeth +them: "They are a mass; a mass is less in a part thereof than in the +whole." Now to thee I speak, O my soul, thou art my better part: for +thou quickenest the mass of my body, giving it life, which no body can +give to a body: but thy God is even unto thee the Life of thy life. + +What then do I love, when I love my God? who is He above the head of +my soul? By my very soul will I ascend to Him. I will pass beyond that +power whereby I am united to my body, and fill its whole frame with +life. Nor can I by that power find my God; for so horse and mule that +have no understanding might find Him; seeing it is the same power, +whereby even their bodies live. But another power there is, not that +only whereby I animate, but that too whereby I imbue with sense my +flesh, which the Lord hath framed for me: commanding the eye not to +hear, and the ear not to see; but the eye, that through it I should +see, and the ear, that through it I should hear; and to the other senses +severally, what is to each their own peculiar seats and offices; which, +being divers, I the one mind, do through them enact. I will pass beyond +this power of mine also; for this also have the horse, and mule, for +they also perceive through the body. + +I will pass then beyond this power of my nature also, rising by degrees +unto Him Who made me. And I come to the fields and spacious palaces of +my memory, where are the treasures of innumerable images, brought into +it from things of all sorts perceived by the senses. There is stored up, +whatsoever besides we think, either by enlarging or diminishing, or +any other way varying those things which the sense hath come to; and +whatever else hath been committed and laid up, which forgetfulness hath +not yet swallowed up and buried. When I enter there, I require what I +will to be brought forth, and something instantly comes; others must be +longer sought after, which are fetched, as it were, out of some inner +receptacle; others rush out in troops, and while one thing is desired +and required, they start forth, as who should say, "Is it perchance +I?" These I drive away with the hand of my heart, from the face of my +remembrance; until what I wish for be unveiled, and appear in sight, out +of its secret place. Other things come up readily, in unbroken order, as +they are called for; those in front making way for the following; and +as they make way, they are hidden from sight, ready to come when I will. +All which takes place when I repeat a thing by heart. + +There are all things preserved distinctly and under general heads, each +having entered by its own avenue: as light, and all colours and forms of +bodies by the eyes; by the ears all sorts of sounds; all smells by the +avenue of the nostrils; all tastes by the mouth; and by the sensation of +the whole body, what is hard or soft; hot or cold; or rugged; heavy or +light; either outwardly or inwardly to the body. All these doth that +great harbour of the memory receive in her numberless secret and +inexpressible windings, to be forthcoming, and brought out at need; each +entering in by his own gate, and there laid up. Nor yet do the things +themselves enter in; only the images of the things perceived are there +in readiness, for thought to recall. Which images, how they are formed, +who can tell, though it doth plainly appear by which sense each hath +been brought in and stored up? For even while I dwell in darkness and +silence, in my memory I can produce colours, if I will, and discern +betwixt black and white, and what others I will: nor yet do sounds break +in and disturb the image drawn in by my eyes, which I am reviewing, +though they also are there, lying dormant, and laid up, as it were, +apart. For these too I call for, and forthwith they appear. And though +my tongue be still, and my throat mute, so can I sing as much as I will; +nor do those images of colours, which notwithstanding be there, intrude +themselves and interrupt, when another store is called for, which +flowed in by the ears. So the other things, piled in and up by the other +senses, I recall at my pleasure. Yea, I discern the breath of lilies +from violets, though smelling nothing; and I prefer honey to sweet wine, +smooth before rugged, at the time neither tasting nor handling, but +remembering only. + +These things do I within, in that vast court of my memory. For there +are present with me, heaven, earth, sea, and whatever I could think on +therein, besides what I have forgotten. There also meet I with myself, +and recall myself, and when, where, and what I have done, and under what +feelings. There be all which I remember, either on my own experience, +or other's credit. Out of the same store do I myself with the past +continually combine fresh and fresh likenesses of things which I have +experienced, or, from what I have experienced, have believed: and thence +again infer future actions, events and hopes, and all these again I +reflect on, as present. "I will do this or that," say I to myself, in +that great receptacle of my mind, stored with the images of things so +many and so great, "and this or that will follow." "O that this or that +might be!" "God avert this or that!" So speak I to myself: and when +I speak, the images of all I speak of are present, out of the same +treasury of memory; nor would I speak of any thereof, were the images +wanting. + +Great is this force of memory, excessive great, O my God; a large and +boundless chamber! who ever sounded the bottom thereof? yet is this a +power of mine, and belongs unto my nature; nor do I myself comprehend +all that I am. Therefore is the mind too strait to contain itself. And +where should that be, which it containeth not of itself? Is it without +it, and not within? how then doth it not comprehend itself? A wonderful +admiration surprises me, amazement seizes me upon this. And men go +abroad to admire the heights of mountains, the mighty billows of the +sea, the broad tides of rivers, the compass of the ocean, and the +circuits of the stars, and pass themselves by; nor wonder that when I +spake of all these things, I did not see them with mine eyes, yet could +not have spoken of them, unless I then actually saw the mountains, +billows, rivers, stars which I had seen, and that ocean which I believe +to be, inwardly in my memory, and that, with the same vast spaces +between, as if I saw them abroad. Yet did not I by seeing draw them into +myself, when with mine eyes I beheld them; nor are they themselves with +me, but their images only. And I know by what sense of the body each was +impressed upon me. + +Yet not these alone does the unmeasurable capacity of my memory retain. +Here also is all, learnt of the liberal sciences and as yet unforgotten; +removed as it were to some inner place, which is yet no place: nor +are they the images thereof, but the things themselves. For, what is +literature, what the art of disputing, how many kinds of questions there +be, whatsoever of these I know, in such manner exists in my memory, as +that I have not taken in the image, and left out the thing, or that it +should have sounded and passed away like a voice fixed on the ear by +that impress, whereby it might be recalled, as if it sounded, when it +no longer sounded; or as a smell while it passes and evaporates into air +affects the sense of smell, whence it conveys into the memory an image +of itself, which remembering, we renew, or as meat, which verily in +the belly hath now no taste, and yet in the memory still in a manner +tasteth; or as any thing which the body by touch perceiveth, and which +when removed from us, the memory still conceives. For those things +are not transmitted into the memory, but their images only are with +an admirable swiftness caught up, and stored as it were in wondrous +cabinets, and thence wonderfully by the act of remembering, brought +forth. + +But now when I hear that there be three kinds of questions, "Whether the +thing be? what it is? of what kind it is?" I do indeed hold the images +of the sounds of which those words be composed, and that those sounds, +with a noise passed through the air, and now are not. But the things +themselves which are signified by those sounds, I never reached with any +sense of my body, nor ever discerned them otherwise than in my mind; yet +in my memory have I laid up not their images, but themselves. Which how +they entered into me, let them say if they can; for I have gone over all +the avenues of my flesh, but cannot find by which they entered. For the +eyes say, "If those images were coloured, we reported of them." The ears +say, "If they sound, we gave knowledge of them." The nostrils say, "If +they smell, they passed by us." The taste says, "Unless they have a +savour, ask me not." The touch says, "If it have not size, I handled +it not; if I handled it not, I gave no notice of it." Whence and how +entered these things into my memory? I know not how. For when I learned +them, I gave not credit to another man's mind, but recognised them in +mine; and approving them for true, I commended them to it, laying them +up as it were, whence I might bring them forth when I willed. In my +heart then they were, even before I learned them, but in my memory +they were not. Where then? or wherefore, when they were spoken, did I +acknowledge them, and said, "So is it, it is true," unless that they +were already in the memory, but so thrown back and buried as it were in +deeper recesses, that had not the suggestion of another drawn them forth +I had perchance been unable to conceive of them? + +Wherefore we find, that to learn these things whereof we imbibe not the +images by our senses, but perceive within by themselves, without images, +as they are, is nothing else, but by conception, to receive, and by +marking to take heed that those things which the memory did before +contain at random and unarranged, be laid up at hand as it were in that +same memory where before they lay unknown, scattered and neglected, and +so readily occur to the mind familiarised to them. And how many things +of this kind does my memory bear which have been already found out, and +as I said, placed as it were at hand, which we are said to have learned +and come to know which were I for some short space of time to cease to +call to mind, they are again so buried, and glide back, as it were, into +the deeper recesses, that they must again, as if new, be thought out +thence, for other abode they have none: but they must be drawn together +again, that they may be known; that is to say, they must as it were be +collected together from their dispersion: whence the word "cogitation" +is derived. For cogo (collect) and cogito (re-collect) have the same +relation to each other as ago and agito, facio and factito. But the mind +hath appropriated to itself this word (cogitation), so that, not what is +"collected" any how, but what is "recollected," i.e., brought together, +in the mind, is properly said to be cogitated, or thought upon. + +The memory containeth also reasons and laws innumerable of numbers and +dimensions, none of which hath any bodily sense impressed; seeing they +have neither colour, nor sound, nor taste, nor smell, nor touch. I have +heard the sound of the words whereby when discussed they are denoted: +but the sounds are other than the things. For the sounds are other in +Greek than in Latin; but the things are neither Greek, nor Latin, +nor any other language. I have seen the lines of architects, the very +finest, like a spider's thread; but those are still different, they +are not the images of those lines which the eye of flesh showed me: he +knoweth them, whosoever without any conception whatsoever of a body, +recognises them within himself. I have perceived also the numbers of the +things with which we number all the senses of my body; but those numbers +wherewith we number are different, nor are they the images of these, +and therefore they indeed are. Let him who seeth them not, deride me for +saying these things, and I will pity him, while he derides me. + +All these things I remember, and how I learnt them I remember. Many +things also most falsely objected against them have I heard, and +remember; which though they be false, yet is it not false that I +remember them; and I remember also that I have discerned betwixt those +truths and these falsehoods objected to them. And I perceive that the +present discerning of these things is different from remembering that +I oftentimes discerned them, when I often thought upon them. I both +remember then to have often understood these things; and what I now +discern and understand, I lay up in my memory, that hereafter I may +remember that I understand it now. So then I remember also to have +remembered; as if hereafter I shall call to remembrance, that I have now +been able to remember these things, by the force of memory shall I call +it to remembrance. + +The same memory contains also the affections of my mind, not in the same +manner that my mind itself contains them, when it feels them; but far +otherwise, according to a power of its own. For without rejoicing I +remember myself to have joyed; and without sorrow do I recollect my +past sorrow. And that I once feared, I review without fear; and without +desire call to mind a past desire. Sometimes, on the contrary, with joy +do I remember my fore-past sorrow, and with sorrow, joy. Which is not +wonderful, as to the body; for mind is one thing, body another. If +I therefore with joy remember some past pain of body, it is not so +wonderful. But now seeing this very memory itself is mind (for when we +give a thing in charge, to be kept in memory, we say, "See that you keep +it in mind"; and when we forget, we say, "It did not come to my mind," +and, "It slipped out of my mind," calling the memory itself the mind); +this being so, how is it that when with joy I remember my past sorrow, +the mind hath joy, the memory hath sorrow; the mind upon the joyfulness +which is in it, is joyful, yet the memory upon the sadness which is in +it, is not sad? Does the memory perchance not belong to the mind? Who +will say so? The memory then is, as it were, the belly of the mind, and +joy and sadness, like sweet and bitter food; which, when committed to +the memory, are as it were passed into the belly, where they may be +stowed, but cannot taste. Ridiculous it is to imagine these to be alike; +and yet are they not utterly unlike. + +But, behold, out of my memory I bring it, when I say there be four +perturbations of the mind, desire, joy, fear, sorrow; and whatsoever I +can dispute thereon, by dividing each into its subordinate species, and +by defining it, in my memory find I what to say, and thence do I bring +it: yet am I not disturbed by any of these perturbations, when by +calling them to mind, I remember them; yea, and before I recalled +and brought them back, they were there; and therefore could they, by +recollection, thence be brought. Perchance, then, as meat is by chewing +the cud brought up out of the belly, so by recollection these out of the +memory. Why then does not the disputer, thus recollecting, taste in the +mouth of his musing the sweetness of joy, or the bitterness of sorrow? +Is the comparison unlike in this, because not in all respects like? For +who would willingly speak thereof, if so oft as we name grief or fear, +we should be compelled to be sad or fearful? And yet could we not speak +of them, did we not find in our memory, not only the sounds of the names +according to the images impressed by the senses of the body, but notions +of the very things themselves which we never received by any avenue of +the body, but which the mind itself perceiving by the experience of its +own passions, committed to the memory, or the memory of itself retained, +without being committed unto it. + +But whether by images or no, who can readily say? Thus, I name a stone, +I name the sun, the things themselves not being present to my senses, +but their images to my memory. I name a bodily pain, yet it is not +present with me, when nothing aches: yet unless its image were present +to my memory, I should not know what to say thereof, nor in discoursing +discern pain from pleasure. I name bodily health; being sound in body, +the thing itself is present with me; yet, unless its image also were +present in my memory, I could by no means recall what the sound of +this name should signify. Nor would the sick, when health were named, +recognise what were spoken, unless the same image were by the force of +memory retained, although the thing itself were absent from the body. I +name numbers whereby we number; and not their images, but themselves +are present in my memory. I name the image of the sun, and that image is +present in my memory. For I recall not the image of its image, but the +image itself is present to me, calling it to mind. I name memory, and +I recognise what I name. And where do I recognise it, but in the memory +itself? Is it also present to itself by its image, and not by itself? + +What, when I name forgetfulness, and withal recognise what I name? +whence should I recognise it, did I not remember it? I speak not of the +sound of the name, but of the thing which it signifies: which if I had +forgotten, I could not recognise what that sound signifies. When then I +remember memory, memory itself is, through itself, present with itself: +but when I remember forgetfulness, there are present both memory +and forgetfulness; memory whereby I remember, forgetfulness which I +remember. But what is forgetfulness, but the privation of memory? How +then is it present that I remember it, since when present I cannot +remember? But if what we remember we hold it in memory, yet, unless we +did remember forgetfulness, we could never at the hearing of the name +recognise the thing thereby signified, then forgetfulness is retained by +memory. Present then it is, that we forget not, and being so, we forget. +It is to be understood from this that forgetfulness when we remember it, +is not present to the memory by itself but by its image: because if +it were present by itself, it would not cause us to remember, but to +forget. Who now shall search out this? who shall comprehend how it is? + +Lord, I, truly, toil therein, yea and toil in myself; I am become a +heavy soil requiring over much sweat of the brow. For we are not now +searching out the regions of heaven, or measuring the distances of the +stars, or enquiring the balancings of the earth. It is I myself who +remember, I the mind. It is not so wonderful, if what I myself am not, +be far from me. But what is nearer to me than myself? And lo, the force +of mine own memory is not understood by me; though I cannot so much as +name myself without it. For what shall I say, when it is clear to +me that I remember forgetfulness? Shall I say that that is not in my +memory, which I remember? or shall I say that forgetfulness is for this +purpose in my memory, that I might not forget? Both were most absurd. +What third way is there? How can I say that the image of forgetfulness +is retained by my memory, not forgetfulness itself, when I remember it? +How could I say this either, seeing that when the image of any thing is +impressed on the memory, the thing itself must needs be first present, +whence that image may be impressed? For thus do I remember Carthage, +thus all places where I have been, thus men's faces whom I have seen, +and things reported by the other senses; thus the health or sickness of +the body. For when these things were present, my memory received from +them images, which being present with me, I might look on and bring +back in my mind, when I remembered them in their absence. If then this +forgetfulness is retained in the memory through its image, not through +itself, then plainly itself was once present, that its image might +be taken. But when it was present, how did it write its image in the +memory, seeing that forgetfulness by its presence effaces even what it +finds already noted? And yet, in whatever way, although that way be +past conceiving and explaining, yet certain am I that I remember +forgetfulness itself also, whereby what we remember is effaced. + +Great is the power of memory, a fearful thing, O my God, a deep and +boundless manifoldness; and this thing is the mind, and this am I +myself. What am I then, O my God? What nature am I? A life various and +manifold, and exceeding immense. Behold in the plains, and caves, and +caverns of my memory, innumerable and innumerably full of innumerable +kinds of things, either through images, as all bodies; or by actual +presence, as the arts; or by certain notions or impressions, as the +affections of the mind, which, even when the mind doth not feel, the +memory retaineth, while yet whatsoever is in the memory is also in the +mind--over all these do I run, I fly; I dive on this side and on that, +as far as I can, and there is no end. So great is the force of memory, +so great the force of life, even in the mortal life of man. What shall I +do then, O Thou my true life, my God? I will pass even beyond this power +of mine which is called memory: yea, I will pass beyond it, that I may +approach unto Thee, O sweet Light. What sayest Thou to me? See, I am +mounting up through my mind towards Thee who abidest above me. Yea, I +now will pass beyond this power of mine which is called memory, desirous +to arrive at Thee, whence Thou mayest be arrived at; and to cleave unto +Thee, whence one may cleave unto Thee. For even beasts and birds have +memory; else could they not return to their dens and nests, nor many +other things they are used unto: nor indeed could they be used to any +thing, but by memory. I will pass then beyond memory also, that I may +arrive at Him who hath separated me from the four-footed beasts and made +me wiser than the fowls of the air, I will pass beyond memory also, +and where shall I find Thee, Thou truly good and certain sweetness? And +where shall I find Thee? If I find Thee without my memory, then do I not +retain Thee in my memory. And how shall I find Thee, if I remember Thee +not? + +For the woman that had lost her groat, and sought it with a light; +unless she had remembered it, she had never found it. For when it was +found, whence should she know whether it were the same, unless she +remembered it? I remember to have sought and found many a thing; and +this I thereby know, that when I was seeking any of them, and was asked, +"Is this it?" "Is that it?" so long said I "No," until that were offered +me which I sought. Which had I not remembered (whatever it were) though +it were offered me, yet should I not find it, because I could not +recognise it. And so it ever is, when we seek and find any lost thing. +Notwithstanding, when any thing is by chance lost from the sight, not +from the memory (as any visible body), yet its image is still retained +within, and it is sought until it be restored to sight; and when it is +found, it is recognised by the image which is within: nor do we say +that we have found what was lost, unless we recognise it; nor can we +recognise it, unless we remember it. But this was lost to the eyes, but +retained in the memory. + +But what when the memory itself loses any thing, as falls out when we +forget and seek that we may recollect? Where in the end do we search, +but in the memory itself? and there, if one thing be perchance offered +instead of another, we reject it, until what we seek meets us; and when +it doth, we say, "This is it"; which we should not unless we recognised +it, nor recognise it unless we remembered it. Certainly then we had +forgotten it. Or, had not the whole escaped us, but by the part whereof +we had hold, was the lost part sought for; in that the memory felt that +it did not carry on together all which it was wont, and maimed, as it +were, by the curtailment of its ancient habit, demanded the restoration +of what it missed? For instance, if we see or think of some one known +to us, and having forgotten his name, try to recover it; whatever else +occurs, connects itself not therewith; because it was not wont to be +thought upon together with him, and therefore is rejected, until that +present itself, whereon the knowledge reposes equably as its wonted +object. And whence does that present itself, but out of the memory +itself? for even when we recognise it, on being reminded by another, it +is thence it comes. For we do not believe it as something new, but, +upon recollection, allow what was named to be right. But were it utterly +blotted out of the mind, we should not remember it, even when reminded. +For we have not as yet utterly forgotten that, which we remember +ourselves to have forgotten. What then we have utterly forgotten, though +lost, we cannot even seek after. + +How then do I seek Thee, O Lord? For when I seek Thee, my God, I seek a +happy life. I will seek Thee, that my soul may live. For my body liveth +by my soul; and my soul by Thee. How then do I seek a happy life, seeing +I have it not, until I can say, where I ought to say it, "It is enough"? +How seek I it? By remembrance, as though I had forgotten it, remembering +that I had forgotten it? Or, desiring to learn it as a thing unknown, +either never having known, or so forgotten it, as not even to remember +that I had forgotten it? is not a happy life what all will, and no one +altogether wills it not? where have they known it, that they so will it? +where seen it, that they so love it? Truly we have it, how, I know not. +Yea, there is another way, wherein when one hath it, then is he happy; +and there are, who are blessed, in hope. These have it in a lower kind, +than they who have it in very deed; yet are they better off than such as +are happy neither in deed nor in hope. Yet even these, had they it not +in some sort, would not so will to be happy, which that they do will, is +most certain. They have known it then, I know not how, and so have it by +some sort of knowledge, what, I know not, and am perplexed whether it be +in the memory, which if it be, then we have been happy once; whether all +severally, or in that man who first sinned, in whom also we all died, +and from whom we are all born with misery, I now enquire not; but only, +whether the happy life be in the memory? For neither should we love it, +did we not know it. We hear the name, and we all confess that we desire +the thing; for we are not delighted with the mere sound. For when +a Greek hears it in Latin, he is not delighted, not knowing what is +spoken; but we Latins are delighted, as would he too, if he heard it in +Greek; because the thing itself is neither Greek nor Latin, which Greeks +and Latins, and men of all other tongues, long for so earnestly. Known +therefore it is to all, for they with one voice be asked, "would they +be happy?" they would answer without doubt, "they would." And this could +not be, unless the thing itself whereof it is the name were retained in +their memory. + +But is it so, as one remembers Carthage who hath seen it? No. For a +happy life is not seen with the eye, because it is not a body. As we +remember numbers then? No. For these, he that hath in his knowledge, +seeks not further to attain unto; but a happy life we have in our +knowledge, and therefore love it, and yet still desire to attain it, +that we may be happy. As we remember eloquence then? No. For although +upon hearing this name also, some call to mind the thing, who still are +not yet eloquent, and many who desire to be so, whence it appears that +it is in their knowledge; yet these have by their bodily senses observed +others to be eloquent, and been delighted, and desire to be the like +(though indeed they would not be delighted but for some inward knowledge +thereof, nor wish to be the like, unless they were thus delighted); +whereas a happy life, we do by no bodily sense experience in others. As +then we remember joy? Perchance; for my joy I remember, even when sad, +as a happy life, when unhappy; nor did I ever with bodily sense see, +hear, smell, taste, or touch my joy; but I experienced it in my mind, +when I rejoiced; and the knowledge of it clave to my memory, so that I +can recall it with disgust sometimes, at others with longing, according +to the nature of the things, wherein I remember myself to have joyed. +For even from foul things have I been immersed in a sort of joy; which +now recalling, I detest and execrate; otherwhiles in good and honest +things, which I recall with longing, although perchance no longer +present; and therefore with sadness I recall former joy. + +Where then and when did I experience my happy life, that I should +remember, and love, and long for it? Nor is it I alone, or some few +besides, but we all would fain be happy; which, unless by some certain +knowledge we knew, we should not with so certain a will desire. But how +is this, that if two men be asked whether they would go to the wars, +one, perchance, would answer that he would, the other, that he would +not; but if they were asked whether they would be happy, both would +instantly without any doubting say they would; and for no other reason +would the one go to the wars, and the other not, but to be happy. Is it +perchance that as one looks for his joy in this thing, another in that, +all agree in their desire of being happy, as they would (if they were +asked) that they wished to have joy, and this joy they call a happy +life? Although then one obtains this joy by one means, another by +another, all have one end, which they strive to attain, namely, joy. +Which being a thing which all must say they have experienced, it is +therefore found in the memory, and recognised whenever the name of a +happy life is mentioned. + +Far be it, Lord, far be it from the heart of Thy servant who here +confesseth unto Thee, far be it, that, be the joy what it may, I should +therefore think myself happy. For there is a joy which is not given to +the ungodly, but to those who love Thee for Thine own sake, whose joy +Thou Thyself art. And this is the happy life, to rejoice to Thee, of +Thee, for Thee; this is it, and there is no other. For they who think +there is another, pursue some other and not the true joy. Yet is not +their will turned away from some semblance of joy. + +It is not certain then that all wish to be happy, inasmuch as they who +wish not to joy in Thee, which is the only happy life, do not truly +desire the happy life. Or do all men desire this, but because the flesh +lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh, that they +cannot do what they would, they fall upon that which they can, and are +content therewith; because, what they are not able to do, they do not +will so strongly as would suffice to make them able? For I ask any +one, had he rather joy in truth, or in falsehood? They will as little +hesitate to say "in the truth," as to say "that they desire to be +happy," for a happy life is joy in the truth: for this is a joying in +Thee, Who art the Truth, O God my light, health of my countenance, my +God. This is the happy life which all desire; this life which alone is +happy, all desire; to joy in the truth all desire. I have met with many +that would deceive; who would be deceived, no one. Where then did they +know this happy life, save where they know the truth also? For they love +it also, since they would not be deceived. And when they love a happy +life, which is no other than joying in the truth, then also do they love +the truth; which yet they would not love, were there not some notice of +it in their memory. Why then joy they not in it? why are they not happy? +because they are more strongly taken up with other things which have +more power to make them miserable, than that which they so faintly +remember to make them happy. For there is yet a little light in men; let +them walk, let them walk, that the darkness overtake them not. + +But why doth "truth generate hatred," and the man of Thine, preaching +the truth, become an enemy to them? whereas a happy life is loved, which +is nothing else but joying in the truth; unless that truth is in that +kind loved, that they who love anything else would gladly have that +which they love to be the truth: and because they would not be deceived, +would not be convinced that they are so? Therefore do they hate the +truth for that thing's sake which they loved instead of the truth. They +love truth when she enlightens, they hate her when she reproves. For +since they would not be deceived, and would deceive, they love her when +she discovers herself unto them, and hate her when she discovers them. +Whence she shall so repay them, that they who would not be made manifest +by her, she both against their will makes manifest, and herself becometh +not manifest unto them. Thus, thus, yea thus doth the mind of man, thus +blind and sick, foul and ill-favoured, wish to be hidden, but that aught +should be hidden from it, it wills not. But the contrary is requited it, +that itself should not be hidden from the Truth; but the Truth is hid +from it. Yet even thus miserable, it had rather joy in truths than in +falsehoods. Happy then will it be, when, no distraction interposing, it +shall joy in that only Truth, by Whom all things are true. + +See what a space I have gone over in my memory seeking Thee, O Lord; and +I have not found Thee, without it. Nor have I found any thing concerning +Thee, but what I have kept in memory, ever since I learnt Thee. For +since I learnt Thee, I have not forgotten Thee. For where I found Truth, +there found I my God, the Truth itself; which since I learnt, I have +not forgotten. Since then I learnt Thee, Thou residest in my memory; and +there do I find Thee, when I call Thee to remembrance, and delight in +Thee. These be my holy delights, which Thou hast given me in Thy mercy, +having regard to my poverty. + +But where in my memory residest Thou, O Lord, where residest Thou +there? what manner of lodging hast Thou framed for Thee? what manner of +sanctuary hast Thou builded for Thee? Thou hast given this honour to my +memory, to reside in it; but in what quarter of it Thou residest, that +am I considering. For in thinking on Thee, I passed beyond such parts of +it as the beasts also have, for I found Thee not there among the images +of corporeal things: and I came to those parts to which I committed the +affections of my mind, nor found Thee there. And I entered into the +very seat of my mind (which it hath in my memory, inasmuch as the mind +remembers itself also), neither wert Thou there: for as Thou art not +a corporeal image, nor the affection of a living being (as when we +rejoice, condole, desire, fear, remember, forget, or the like); so +neither art Thou the mind itself; because Thou art the Lord God of the +mind; and all these are changed, but Thou remainest unchangeable over +all, and yet hast vouchsafed to dwell in my memory, since I learnt Thee. +And why seek I now in what place thereof Thou dwellest, as if there +were places therein? Sure I am, that in it Thou dwellest, since I have +remembered Thee ever since I learnt Thee, and there I find Thee, when I +call Thee to remembrance. + +Where then did I find Thee, that I might learn Thee? For in my memory +Thou wert not, before I learned Thee. Where then did I find Thee, that +I might learn Thee, but in Thee above me? Place there is none; we go +backward and forward, and there is no place. Every where, O Truth, dost +Thou give audience to all who ask counsel of Thee, and at once answerest +all, though on manifold matters they ask Thy counsel. Clearly dost Thou +answer, though all do not clearly hear. All consult Thee on what they +will, though they hear not always what they will. He is Thy best servant +who looks not so much to hear that from Thee which himself willeth, as +rather to will that, which from Thee he heareth. + +Too late loved I Thee, O Thou Beauty of ancient days, yet ever new! too +late I loved Thee! And behold, Thou wert within, and I abroad, and there +I searched for Thee; deformed I, plunging amid those fair forms which +Thou hadst made. Thou wert with me, but I was not with Thee. Things held +me far from Thee, which, unless they were in Thee, were not at all. +Thou calledst, and shoutedst, and burstest my deafness. Thou flashedst, +shonest, and scatteredst my blindness. Thou breathedst odours, and I +drew in breath and panted for Thee. I tasted, and hunger and thirst. +Thou touchedst me, and I burned for Thy peace. + +When I shall with my whole self cleave to Thee, I shall no where have +sorrow or labour; and my life shall wholly live, as wholly full of Thee. +But now since whom Thou fillest, Thou liftest up, because I am not full +of Thee I am a burden to myself. Lamentable joys strive with joyous +sorrows: and on which side is the victory, I know not. Woe is me! Lord, +have pity on me. My evil sorrows strive with my good joys; and on which +side is the victory, I know not. Woe is me! Lord, have pity on me. Woe +is me! lo! I hide not my wounds; Thou art the Physician, I the sick; +Thou merciful, I miserable. Is not the life of man upon earth all trial? +Who wishes for troubles and difficulties? Thou commandest them to be +endured, not to be loved. No man loves what he endures, though he love +to endure. For though he rejoices that he endures, he had rather there +were nothing for him to endure. In adversity I long for prosperity, in +prosperity I fear adversity. What middle place is there betwixt these +two, where the life of man is not all trial? Woe to the prosperities of +the world, once and again, through fear of adversity, and corruption of +joy! Woe to the adversities of the world, once and again, and the third +time, from the longing for prosperity, and because adversity itself is +a hard thing, and lest it shatter endurance. Is not the life of man upon +earth all trial: without any interval? + +And all my hope is no where but in Thy exceeding great mercy. Give what +Thou enjoinest, and enjoin what Thou wilt. Thou enjoinest us continency; +and when I knew, saith one, that no man can be continent, unless God +give it, this also was a part of wisdom to know whose gift she is. By +continency verily are we bound up and brought back into One, whence we +were dissipated into many. For too little doth he love Thee, who loves +any thing with Thee, which he loveth not for Thee. O love, who ever +burnest and never consumest! O charity, my God, kindle me. Thou +enjoinest continency: give me what Thou enjoinest, and enjoin what Thou +wilt. + +Verily Thou enjoinest me continency from the lust of the flesh, the lust +of the eyes, and the ambition of the world. Thou enjoinest continency +from concubinage; and for wedlock itself, Thou hast counselled something +better than what Thou hast permitted. And since Thou gavest it, it was +done, even before I became a dispenser of Thy Sacrament. But there yet +live in my memory (whereof I have much spoken) the images of such things +as my ill custom there fixed; which haunt me, strengthless when I am +awake: but in sleep, not only so as to give pleasure, but even to obtain +assent, and what is very like reality. Yea, so far prevails the illusion +of the image, in my soul and in my flesh, that, when asleep, false +visions persuade to that which when waking, the true cannot. Am I not +then myself, O Lord my God? And yet there is so much difference betwixt +myself and myself, within that moment wherein I pass from waking to +sleeping, or return from sleeping to waking! Where is reason then, +which, awake, resisteth such suggestions? And should the things +themselves be urged on it, it remaineth unshaken. Is it clasped up with +the eyes? is it lulled asleep with the senses of the body? And whence is +it that often even in sleep we resist, and mindful of our purpose, and +abiding most chastely in it, yield no assent to such enticements? And +yet so much difference there is, that when it happeneth otherwise, upon +waking we return to peace of conscience: and by this very difference +discover that we did not, what yet we be sorry that in some way it was +done in us. + +Art Thou not mighty, God Almighty, so as to heal all the diseases of my +soul, and by Thy more abundant grace to quench even the impure motions +of my sleep! Thou wilt increase, Lord, Thy gifts more and more in me, +that my soul may follow me to Thee, disentangled from the birdlime of +concupiscence; that it rebel not against itself, and even in dreams not +only not, through images of sense, commit those debasing corruptions, +even to pollution of the flesh, but not even to consent unto them. For +that nothing of this sort should have, over the pure affections even of +a sleeper, the very least influence, not even such as a thought would +restrain,--to work this, not only during life, but even at my present +age, is not hard for the Almighty, Who art able to do above all that +we ask or think. But what I yet am in this kind of my evil, have I +confessed unto my good Lord; rejoicing with trembling, in that which +Thou hast given me, and bemoaning that wherein I am still imperfect; +hoping that Thou wilt perfect Thy mercies in me, even to perfect peace, +which my outward and inward man shall have with Thee, when death shall +be swallowed up in victory. + +There is another evil of the day, which I would were sufficient for it. +For by eating and drinking we repair the evil decays of our body, until +Thou destroy both belly and meat, when Thou shalt slay my emptiness +with a wonderful fulness, and clothe this incorruptible with an eternal +incorruption. But now the necessity is sweet unto me, against which +sweetness I fight, that I be not taken captive; and carry on a daily war +by fastings; often bringing my body into subjection; and my pains are +removed by pleasure. For hunger and thirst are in a manner pains; they +burn and kill like a fever, unless the medicine of nourishments come +to our aid. Which since it is at hand through the consolations of Thy +gifts, with which land, and water, and air serve our weakness, our +calamity is termed gratification. + +This hast Thou taught me, that I should set myself to take food as +physic. But while I am passing from the discomfort of emptiness to the +content of replenishing, in the very passage the snare of concupiscence +besets me. For that passing, is pleasure, nor is there any other way to +pass thither, whither we needs must pass. And health being the cause of +eating and drinking, there joineth itself as an attendant a dangerous +pleasure, which mostly endeavours to go before it, so that I may for her +sake do what I say I do, or wish to do, for health's sake. Nor have +each the same measure; for what is enough for health, is too little for +pleasure. And oft it is uncertain, whether it be the necessary care of +the body which is yet asking for sustenance, or whether a voluptuous +deceivableness of greediness is proffering its services. In this +uncertainty the unhappy soul rejoiceth, and therein prepares an excuse +to shield itself, glad that it appeareth not what sufficeth for the +moderation of health, that under the cloak of health, it may disguise +the matter of gratification. These temptations I daily endeavour +to resist, and I call on Thy right hand, and to Thee do I refer my +perplexities; because I have as yet no settled counsel herein. + +I hear the voice of my God commanding, Let not your hearts be +overcharged with surfeiting and drunkenness. Drunkenness is far from +me; Thou wilt have mercy, that it come not near me. But full feeding +sometimes creepeth upon Thy servant; Thou wilt have mercy, that it may +be far from me. For no one can be continent unless Thou give it. Many +things Thou givest us, praying for them; and what good soever we have +received before we prayed, from Thee we received it; yea to the end we +might afterwards know this, did we before receive it. Drunkard was I +never, but drunkards have I known made sober by Thee. From Thee then it +was, that they who never were such, should not so be, as from Thee it +was, that they who have been, should not ever so be; and from Thee it +was, that both might know from Whom it was. I heard another voice of +Thine, Go not after thy lusts, and from thy pleasure turn away. Yea by +Thy favour have I heard that which I have much loved; neither if we eat, +shall we abound; neither if we eat not, shall we lack; which is to say, +neither shall the one make me plenteous, nor the other miserable. +I heard also another, for I have learned in whatsoever state I am, +therewith to be content; I know how to abound, and how to suffer need. I +can do all things through Christ that strengtheneth me. Behold a soldier +of the heavenly camp, not the dust which we are. But remember, Lord, +that we are dust, and that of dust Thou hast made man; and he was lost +and is found. Nor could he of himself do this, because he whom I so +loved, saying this through the in-breathing of Thy inspiration, was +of the same dust. I can do all things (saith he) through Him that +strengtheneth me. Strengthen me, that I can. Give what Thou enjoinest, +and enjoin what Thou wilt. He confesses to have received, and when he +glorieth, in the Lord he glorieth. Another have I heard begging that he +might receive. Take from me (saith he) the desires of the belly; whence +it appeareth, O my holy God, that Thou givest, when that is done which +Thou commandest to be done. + +Thou hast taught me, good Father, that to the pure, all things are pure; +but that it is evil unto the man that eateth with offence; and, that +every creature of Thine is good, and nothing to be refused, which is +received with thanksgiving; and that meat commendeth us not to God; and, +that no man should judge us in meat or drink; and, that he which eateth, +let him not despise him that eateth not; and let not him that eateth +not, judge him that eateth. These things have I learned, thanks be +to Thee, praise to Thee, my God, my Master, knocking at my ears, +enlightening my heart; deliver me out of all temptation. I fear not +uncleanness of meat, but the uncleanness of lusting. I know; that Noah +was permitted to eat all kind of flesh that was good for food; that +Elijah was fed with flesh; that endued with an admirable abstinence, was +not polluted by feeding on living creatures, locusts. I know also that +Esau was deceived by lusting for lentiles; and that David blamed himself +for desiring a draught of water; and that our King was tempted, not +concerning flesh, but bread. And therefore the people in the wilderness +also deserved to be reproved, not for desiring flesh, but because, in +the desire of food, they murmured against the Lord. + +Placed then amid these temptations, I strive daily against concupiscence +in eating and drinking. For it is not of such nature that I can settle +on cutting it off once for all, and never touching it afterward, as +I could of concubinage. The bridle of the throat then is to be held +attempered between slackness and stiffness. And who is he, O Lord, who +is not some whit transported beyond the limits of necessity? whoever he +is, he is a great one; let him make Thy Name great. But I am not such, +for I am a sinful man. Yet do I too magnify Thy name; and He maketh +intercession to Thee for my sins who hath overcome the world; numbering +me among the weak members of His body; because Thine eyes have seen that +of Him which is imperfect, and in Thy book shall all be written. + +With the allurements of smells, I am not much concerned. When absent, I +do not miss them; when present, I do not refuse them; yet ever ready to +be without them. So I seem to myself; perchance I am deceived. For that +also is a mournful darkness whereby my abilities within me are hidden +from me; so that my mind making enquiry into herself of her own powers, +ventures not readily to believe herself; because even what is in it +is mostly hidden, unless experience reveal it. And no one ought to be +secure in that life, the whole whereof is called a trial, that he who +hath been capable of worse to be made better, may not likewise of better +be made worse. Our only hope, only confidence, only assured promise is +Thy mercy. + +The delights of the ear had more firmly entangled and subdued me; but +Thou didst loosen and free me. Now, in those melodies which Thy words +breathe soul into, when sung with a sweet and attuned voice, I do +a little repose; yet not so as to be held thereby, but that I can +disengage myself when I will. But with the words which are their +life and whereby they find admission into me, themselves seek in my +affections a place of some estimation, and I can scarcely assign them +one suitable. For at one time I seem to myself to give them more honour +than is seemly, feeling our minds to be more holily and fervently raised +unto a flame of devotion, by the holy words themselves when thus sung, +than when not; and that the several affections of our spirit, by a sweet +variety, have their own proper measures in the voice and singing, by +some hidden correspondence wherewith they are stirred up. But this +contentment of the flesh, to which the soul must not be given over to be +enervated, doth oft beguile me, the sense not so waiting upon reason as +patiently to follow her; but having been admitted merely for her sake, +it strives even to run before her, and lead her. Thus in these things I +unawares sin, but afterwards am aware of it. + +At other times, shunning over-anxiously this very deception, I err in +too great strictness; and sometimes to that degree, as to wish the whole +melody of sweet music which is used to David's Psalter, banished from +my ears, and the Church's too; and that mode seems to me safer, which I +remember to have been often told me of Athanasius, Bishop of Alexandria, +who made the reader of the psalm utter it with so slight inflection +of voice, that it was nearer speaking than singing. Yet again, when +I remember the tears I shed at the Psalmody of Thy Church, in the +beginning of my recovered faith; and how at this time I am moved, not +with the singing, but with the things sung, when they are sung with a +clear voice and modulation most suitable, I acknowledge the great use +of this institution. Thus I fluctuate between peril of pleasure and +approved wholesomeness; inclined the rather (though not as pronouncing +an irrevocable opinion) to approve of the usage of singing in the +church; that so by the delight of the ears the weaker minds may rise to +the feeling of devotion. Yet when it befalls me to be more moved with +the voice than the words sung, I confess to have sinned penally, and +then had rather not hear music. See now my state; weep with me, and weep +for me, ye, whoso regulate your feelings within, as that good action +ensues. For you who do not act, these things touch not you. But Thou, O +Lord my God, hearken; behold, and see, and have mercy and heal me, Thou, +in whose presence I have become a problem to myself; and that is my +infirmity. + +There remains the pleasure of these eyes of my flesh, on which to make +my confessions in the hearing of the ears of Thy temple, those brotherly +and devout ears; and so to conclude the temptations of the lust of +the flesh, which yet assail me, groaning earnestly, and desiring to be +clothed upon with my house from heaven. The eyes love fair and varied +forms, and bright and soft colours. Let not these occupy my soul; let +God rather occupy it, who made these things, very good indeed, yet is +He my good, not they. And these affect me, waking, the whole day, nor +is any rest given me from them, as there is from musical, sometimes in +silence, from all voices. For this queen of colours, the light, bathing +all which we behold, wherever I am through the day, gliding by me in +varied forms, soothes me when engaged on other things, and not observing +it. And so strongly doth it entwine itself, that if it be suddenly +withdrawn, it is with longing sought for, and if absent long, saddeneth +the mind. + +O Thou Light, which Tobias saw, when, these eyes closed, he taught his +son the way of life; and himself went before with the feet of charity, +never swerving. Or which Isaac saw, when his fleshly eyes being heavy +and closed by old age, it was vouchsafed him, not knowingly, to bless +his sons, but by blessing to know them. Or which Jacob saw, when he +also, blind through great age, with illumined heart, in the persons of +his sons shed light on the different races of the future people, in +them foresignified; and laid his hands, mystically crossed, upon +his grandchildren by Joseph, not as their father by his outward eye +corrected them, but as himself inwardly discerned. This is the light, it +is one, and all are one, who see and love it. But that corporeal light +whereof I spake, it seasoneth the life of this world for her blind +lovers, with an enticing and dangerous sweetness. But they who know how +to praise Thee for it, "O all-creating Lord," take it up in Thy hymns, +and are not taken up with it in their sleep. Such would I be. These +seductions of the eyes I resist, lest my feet wherewith I walk upon Thy +way be ensnared; and I lift up mine invisible eyes to Thee, that Thou +wouldest pluck my feet out of the snare. Thou dost ever and anon pluck +them out, for they are ensnared. Thou ceasest not to pluck them out, +while I often entangle myself in the snares on all sides laid; because +Thou that keepest Israel shalt neither slumber nor sleep. + +What innumerable toys, made by divers arts and manufactures, in our +apparel, shoes, utensils and all sorts of works, in pictures also and +divers images, and these far exceeding all necessary and moderate use +and all pious meaning, have men added to tempt their own eyes withal; +outwardly following what themselves make, inwardly forsaking Him by whom +themselves were made, and destroying that which themselves have been +made! But I, my God and my Glory, do hence also sing a hymn to Thee, and +do consecrate praise to Him who consecrateth me, because those beautiful +patterns which through men's souls are conveyed into their cunning +hands, come from that Beauty, which is above our souls, which my soul +day and night sigheth after. But the framers and followers of the +outward beauties derive thence the rule of judging of them, but not of +using them. And He is there, though they perceive Him not, that so they +might not wander, but keep their strength for Thee, and not scatter it +abroad upon pleasurable weariness. And I, though I speak and see this, +entangle my steps with these outward beauties; but Thou pluckest me out, +O Lord, Thou pluckest me out; because Thy loving-kindness is before my +eyes. For I am taken miserably, and Thou pluckest me out mercifully; +sometimes not perceiving it, when I had but lightly lighted upon them; +otherwhiles with pain, because I had stuck fast in them. + +To this is added another form of temptation more manifoldly dangerous. +For besides that concupiscence of the flesh which consisteth in the +delight of all senses and pleasures, wherein its slaves, who go far from +Thee, waste and perish, the soul hath, through the same senses of the +body, a certain vain and curious desire, veiled under the title of +knowledge and learning, not of delighting in the flesh, but of making +experiments through the flesh. The seat whereof being in the appetite +of knowledge, and sight being the sense chiefly used for attaining +knowledge, it is in Divine language called The lust of the eyes. For, to +see, belongeth properly to the eyes; yet we use this word of the other +senses also, when we employ them in seeking knowledge. For we do not +say, hark how it flashes, or smell how it glows, or taste how it shines, +or feel how it gleams; for all these are said to be seen. And yet we +say not only, see how it shineth, which the eyes alone can perceive; but +also, see how it soundeth, see how it smelleth, see how it tasteth, +see how hard it is. And so the general experience of the senses, as +was said, is called The lust of the eyes, because the office of seeing, +wherein the eyes hold the prerogative, the other senses by way +of similitude take to themselves, when they make search after any +knowledge. + +But by this may more evidently be discerned, wherein pleasure and +wherein curiosity is the object of the senses; for pleasure seeketh +objects beautiful, melodious, fragrant, savoury, soft; but curiosity, +for trial's sake, the contrary as well, not for the sake of suffering +annoyance, but out of the lust of making trial and knowing them. For +what pleasure hath it, to see in a mangled carcase what will make you +shudder? and yet if it be lying near, they flock thither, to be made +sad, and to turn pale. Even in sleep they are afraid to see it. As if +when awake, any one forced them to see it, or any report of its beauty +drew them thither! Thus also in the other senses, which it were long to +go through. From this disease of curiosity are all those strange sights +exhibited in the theatre. Hence men go on to search out the hidden +powers of nature (which is besides our end), which to know profits not, +and wherein men desire nothing but to know. Hence also, if with that +same end of perverted knowledge magical arts be enquired by. Hence also +in religion itself, is God tempted, when signs and wonders are demanded +of Him, not desired for any good end, but merely to make trial of. + +In this so vast wilderness, full of snares and dangers, behold many of +them I have cut off, and thrust out of my heart, as Thou hast given me, +O God of my salvation. And yet when dare I say, since so many things of +this kind buzz on all sides about our daily life-when dare I say that +nothing of this sort engages my attention, or causes in me an idle +interest? True, the theatres do not now carry me away, nor care I to +know the courses of the stars, nor did my soul ever consult ghosts +departed; all sacrilegious mysteries I detest. From Thee, O Lord my God, +to whom I owe humble and single-hearted service, by what artifices +and suggestions doth the enemy deal with me to desire some sign! But I +beseech Thee by our King, and by our pure and holy country, Jerusalem, +that as any consenting thereto is far from me, so may it ever be further +and further. But when I pray Thee for the salvation of any, my end and +intention is far different. Thou givest and wilt give me to follow Thee +willingly, doing what Thou wilt. + +Notwithstanding, in how many most petty and contemptible things is our +curiosity daily tempted, and how often we give way, who can recount? How +often do we begin as if we were tolerating people telling vain stories, +lest we offend the weak; then by degrees we take interest therein! I go +not now to the circus to see a dog coursing a hare; but in the field, +if passing, that coursing peradventure will distract me even from some +weighty thought, and draw me after it: not that I turn aside the body +of my beast, yet still incline my mind thither. And unless Thou, having +made me see my infirmity didst speedily admonish me either through the +sight itself by some contemplation to rise towards Thee, or altogether +to despise and pass it by, I dully stand fixed therein. What, when +sitting at home, a lizard catching flies, or a spider entangling them +rushing into her nets, oft-times takes my attention? Is the thing +different, because they are but small creatures? I go on from them to +praise Thee the wonderful Creator and Orderer of all, but this does not +first draw my attention. It is one thing to rise quickly, another not +to fall. And of such things is my life full; and my one hope is Thy +wonderful great mercy. For when our heart becomes the receptacle of such +things, and is overcharged with throngs of this abundant vanity, then +are our prayers also thereby often interrupted and distracted, and +whilst in Thy presence we direct the voice of our heart to Thine ears, +this so great concern is broken off by the rushing in of I know not what +idle thoughts. Shall we then account this also among things of slight +concernment, or shall aught bring us back to hope, save Thy complete +mercy, since Thou hast begun to change us? + +And Thou knowest how far Thou hast already changed me, who first +healedst me of the lust of vindicating myself, that so Thou mightest +forgive all the rest of my iniquities, and heal all my infirmities, +and redeem life from corruption, and crown me with mercy and pity, and +satisfy my desire with good things: who didst curb my pride with Thy +fear, and tame my neck to Thy yoke. And now I bear it and it is light +unto me, because so hast Thou promised, and hast made it; and verily so +it was, and I knew it not, when I feared to take it. + +But, O Lord, Thou alone Lord without pride, because Thou art the only +true Lord, who hast no lord; hath this third kind of temptation also +ceased from me, or can it cease through this whole life? To wish, +namely, to be feared and loved of men, for no other end, but that we +may have a joy therein which is no joy? A miserable life this and a foul +boastfulness! Hence especially it comes that men do neither purely love +nor fear Thee. And therefore dost Thou resist the proud, and givest +grace to the humble: yea, Thou thunderest down upon the ambitions of the +world, and the foundations of the mountains tremble. Because now certain +offices of human society make it necessary to be loved and feared of +men, the adversary of our true blessedness layeth hard at us, every +where spreading his snares of "well-done, well-done"; that greedily +catching at them, we may be taken unawares, and sever our joy from Thy +truth, and set it in the deceivingness of men; and be pleased at being +loved and feared, not for Thy sake, but in Thy stead: and thus having +been made like him, he may have them for his own, not in the bands of +charity, but in the bonds of punishment: who purposed to set his throne +in the north, that dark and chilled they might serve him, pervertedly +and crookedly imitating Thee. But we, O Lord, behold we are Thy little +flock; possess us as Thine, stretch Thy wings over us, and let us fly +under them. Be Thou our glory; let us be loved for Thee, and Thy word +feared in us. Who would be praised of men when Thou blamest, will not be +defended of men when Thou judgest; nor delivered when Thou condemnest. +But when--not the sinner is praised in the desires of his soul, nor he +blessed who doth ungodlily, but--a man is praised for some gift which +Thou hast given him, and he rejoices more at the praise for himself than +that he hath the gift for which he is praised, he also is praised, while +Thou dispraisest; better is he who praised than he who is praised. For +the one took pleasure in the gift of God in man; the other was better +pleased with the gift of man, than of God. + +By these temptations we are assailed daily, O Lord; without ceasing are +we assailed. Our daily furnace is the tongue of men. And in this way +also Thou commandest us continence. Give what Thou enjoinest, and enjoin +what Thou wilt. Thou knowest on this matter the groans of my heart, and +the floods of mine eyes. For I cannot learn how far I am more cleansed +from this plague, and I much fear my secret sins, which Thine eyes know, +mine do not. For in other kinds of temptations I have some sort of means +of examining myself; in this, scarce any. For, in refraining my mind +from the pleasures of the flesh and idle curiosity, I see how much I +have attained lo, when I do without them; foregoing, or not having them. +For then I ask myself how much more or less troublesome it is to me not +to have them? Then, riches, which are desired, that they may serve to +some one or two or all of the three concupiscences, if the soul cannot +discern whether, when it hath them, it despiseth them, they may be +cast aside, that so it may prove itself. But to be without praise, +and therein essay our powers, must we live ill, yea so abandonedly and +atrociously, that no one should know without detesting us? What greater +madness can be said or thought of? But if praise useth and ought to +accompany a good life and good works, we ought as little to forego its +company, as good life itself. Yet I know not whether I can well or ill +be without anything, unless it be absent. + +What then do I confess unto Thee in this kind of temptation, O Lord? +What, but that I am delighted with praise, but with truth itself, more +than with praise? For were it proposed to me, whether I would, being +frenzied in error on all things, be praised by all men, or being +consistent and most settled in the truth be blamed by all, I see which +I should choose. Yet fain would I that the approbation of another should +not even increase my joy for any good in me. Yet I own, it doth increase +it, and not so only, but dispraise doth diminish it. And when I am +troubled at this my misery, an excuse occurs to me, which of what value +it is, Thou God knowest, for it leaves me uncertain. For since Thou hast +commanded us not continency alone, that is, from what things to refrain +our love, but righteousness also, that is, whereon to bestow it, and +hast willed us to love not Thee only, but our neighbour also; often, +when pleased with intelligent praise, I seem to myself to be pleased +with the proficiency or towardliness of my neighbour, or to be grieved +for evil in him, when I hear him dispraise either what he understands +not, or is good. For sometimes I am grieved at my own praise, either +when those things be praised in me, in which I mislike myself, or even +lesser and slight goods are more esteemed than they ought. But again how +know I whether I am therefore thus affected, because I would not have +him who praiseth me differ from me about myself; not as being influenced +by concern for him, but because those same good things which please me +in myself, please me more when they please another also? For some how I +am not praised when my judgment of myself is not praised; forasmuch +as either those things are praised, which displease me; or those more, +which please me less. Am I then doubtful of myself in this matter? + +Behold, in Thee, O Truth, I see that I ought not to be moved at my own +praises, for my own sake, but for the good of my neighbour. And whether +it be so with me, I know not. For herein I know less of myself than of +Thee. I beseech now, O my God, discover to me myself also, that I may +confess unto my brethren, who are to pray for me, wherein I find myself +maimed. Let me examine myself again more diligently. If in my praise I +am moved with the good of my neighbour, why am I less moved if another +be unjustly dispraised than if it be myself? Why am I more stung by +reproach cast upon myself, than at that cast upon another, with the +same injustice, before me? Know I not this also? or is it at last that I +deceive myself, and do not the truth before Thee in my heart and tongue? +This madness put far from me, O Lord, lest mine own mouth be to me the +sinner's oil to make fat my head. I am poor and needy; yet best, while +in hidden groanings I displease myself, and seek Thy mercy, until what +is lacking in my defective state be renewed and perfected, on to that +peace which the eye of the proud knoweth not. + +Yet the word which cometh out of the mouth, and deeds known to men, +bring with them a most dangerous temptation through the love of praise: +which, to establish a certain excellency of our own, solicits and +collects men's suffrages. It tempts, even when it is reproved by myself +in myself, on the very ground that it is reproved; and often glories +more vainly of the very contempt of vain-glory; and so it is no longer +contempt of vain-glory, whereof it glories; for it doth not contemn when +it glorieth. + +Within also, within is another evil, arising out of a like temptation; +whereby men become vain, pleasing themselves in themselves, though they +please not, or displease or care not to please others. But pleasing +themselves, they much displease Thee, not only taking pleasure in things +not good, as if good, but in Thy good things, as though their own; or +even if as Thine, yet as though for their own merits; or even if as +though from Thy grace, yet not with brotherly rejoicing, but envying +that grace to others. In all these and the like perils and travails, +Thou seest the trembling of my heart; and I rather feel my wounds to be +cured by Thee, than not inflicted by me. + +Where hast Thou not walked with me, O Truth, teaching me what to beware, +and what to desire; when I referred to Thee what I could discover +here below, and consulted Thee? With my outward senses, as I might, I +surveyed the world, and observed the life, which my body hath from me, +and these my senses. Thence entered I the recesses of my memory, those +manifold and spacious chambers, wonderfully furnished with innumerable +stores; and I considered, and stood aghast; being able to discern +nothing of these things without Thee, and finding none of them to be +Thee. Nor was I myself, who found out these things, who went over them +all, and laboured to distinguish and to value every thing according +to its dignity, taking some things upon the report of my senses, +questioning about others which I felt to be mingled with myself, +numbering and distinguishing the reporters themselves, and in the large +treasure-house of my memory revolving some things, storing up others, +drawing out others. Nor yet was I myself when I did this, i.e., that my +power whereby I did it, neither was it Thou, for Thou art the abiding +light, which I consulted concerning all these, whether they were, +what they were, and how to be valued; and I heard Thee directing and +commanding me; and this I often do, this delights me, and as far as I +may be freed from necessary duties, unto this pleasure have I recourse. +Nor in all these which I run over consulting Thee can I find any safe +place for my soul, but in Thee; whither my scattered members may +be gathered, and nothing of me depart from Thee. And sometimes Thou +admittest me to an affection, very unusual, in my inmost soul; rising to +a strange sweetness, which if it were perfected in me, I know not what +in it would not belong to the life to come. But through my miserable +encumbrances I sink down again into these lower things, and am swept +back by former custom, and am held, and greatly weep, but am greatly +held. So much doth the burden of a bad custom weigh us down. Here I can +stay, but would not; there I would, but cannot; both ways, miserable. + +Thus then have I considered the sicknesses of my sins in that threefold +concupiscence, and have called Thy right hand to my help. For with a +wounded heart have I beheld Thy brightness, and stricken back I said, +"Who can attain thither? I am cast away from the sight of Thine eyes." +Thou art the Truth who presidest over all, but I through my covetousness +would not indeed forego Thee, but would with Thee possess a lie; as no +man would in such wise speak falsely, as himself to be ignorant of the +truth. So then I lost Thee, because Thou vouchsafest not to be possessed +with a lie. + +Whom could I find to reconcile me to Thee? was I to have recourse to +Angels? by what prayers? by what sacraments? Many endeavouring to return +unto Thee, and of themselves unable, have, as I hear, tried this, and +fallen into the desire of curious visions, and been accounted worthy +to be deluded. For they, being high minded, sought Thee by the pride of +learning, swelling out rather than smiting upon their breasts, and so +by the agreement of their heart, drew unto themselves the princes of the +air, the fellow-conspirators of their pride, by whom, through magical +influences, they were deceived, seeking a mediator, by whom they might +be purged, and there was none. For the devil it was, transforming +himself into an Angel of light. And it much enticed proud flesh, that he +had no body of flesh. For they were mortal, and sinners; but thou, Lord, +to whom they proudly sought to be reconciled, art immortal, and without +sin. But a mediator between God and man must have something like to God, +something like to men; lest being in both like to man, he should be +far from God: or if in both like God, too unlike man: and so not be a +mediator. That deceitful mediator then, by whom in Thy secret judgments +pride deserved to be deluded, hath one thing in common with man, that +is sin; another he would seem to have in common with God; and not being +clothed with the mortality of flesh, would vaunt himself to be immortal. +But since the wages of sin is death, this hath he in common with men, +that with them he should be condemned to death. + +But the true Mediator, Whom in Thy secret mercy Thou hast showed to the +humble, and sentest, that by His example also they might learn that +same humility, that Mediator between God and man, the Man Christ Jesus, +appeared betwixt mortal sinners and the immortal just One; mortal with +men, just with God: that because the wages of righteousness is life and +peace, He might by a righteousness conjoined with God make void that +death of sinners, now made righteous, which He willed to have in common +with them. Hence He was showed forth to holy men of old; that so they, +through faith in His Passion to come, as we through faith of it passed, +might be saved. For as Man, He was a Mediator; but as the Word, not in +the middle between God and man, because equal to God, and God with God, +and together one God. + +How hast Thou loved us, good Father, who sparedst not Thine only Son, +but deliveredst Him up for us ungodly! How hast Thou loved us, for whom +He that thought it no robbery to be equal with Thee, was made subject +even to the death of the cross, He alone, free among the dead, having +power to lay down His life, and power to take it again: for us to Thee +both Victor and Victim, and therefore Victor, because the Victim; for +us to Thee Priest and Sacrifice, and therefore Priest because the +Sacrifice; making us to Thee, of servants, sons by being born of Thee, +and serving us. Well then is my hope strong in Him, that Thou wilt heal +all my infirmities, by Him Who sitteth at Thy right hand and maketh +intercession for us; else should I despair. For many and great are my +infirmities, many they are, and great; but Thy medicine is mightier. We +might imagine that Thy Word was far from any union with man, and despair +of ourselves, unless He had been made flesh and dwelt among us. + +Affrighted with my sins and the burden of my misery, I had cast in my +heart, and had purposed to flee to the wilderness: but Thou forbadest +me, and strengthenedst me, saying, Therefore Christ died for all, that +they which live may now no longer live unto themselves, but unto Him +that died for them. See, Lord, I cast my care upon Thee, that I may +live, and consider wondrous things out of Thy law. Thou knowest my +unskilfulness, and my infirmities; teach me, and heal me. He, Thine only +Son, in Whom are hid all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge, hath +redeemed me with His blood. Let not the proud speak evil of me; because +I meditate on my ransom, and eat and drink, and communicate it; and +poor, desired to be satisfied from Him, amongst those that eat and are +satisfied, and they shall praise the Lord who seek Him. + + + + +BOOK XI + + +Lord, since eternity is Thine, art Thou ignorant of what I say to Thee? +or dost Thou see in time, what passeth in time? Why then do I lay in +order before Thee so many relations? Not, of a truth, that Thou mightest +learn them through me, but to stir up mine own and my readers' devotions +towards Thee, that we may all say, Great is the Lord, and greatly to be +praised. I have said already; and again will say, for love of Thy +love do I this. For we pray also, and yet Truth hath said, Your Father +knoweth what you have need of, before you ask. It is then our affections +which we lay open unto Thee, confessing our own miseries, and Thy +mercies upon us, that Thou mayest free us wholly, since Thou hast begun, +that we may cease to be wretched in ourselves, and be blessed in Thee; +seeing Thou hast called us, to become poor in spirit, and meek, and +mourners, and hungering and athirst after righteousness, and merciful, +and pure in heart, and peace-makers. See, I have told Thee many things, +as I could and as I would, because Thou first wouldest that I should +confess unto Thee, my Lord God. For Thou art good, for Thy mercy +endureth for ever. + +But how shall I suffice with the tongue of my pen to utter all Thy +exhortations, and all Thy terrors, and comforts, and guidances, whereby +Thou broughtest me to preach Thy Word, and dispense Thy Sacrament to Thy +people? And if I suffice to utter them in order, the drops of time are +precious with me; and long have I burned to meditate in Thy law, and +therein to confess to Thee my skill and unskilfulness, the daybreak of +Thy enlightening, and the remnants of my darkness, until infirmity be +swallowed up by strength. And I would not have aught besides steal away +those hours which I find free from the necessities of refreshing my body +and the powers of my mind, and of the service which we owe to men, or +which though we owe not, we yet pay. + +O Lord my god, give ear unto my prayer, and let Thy mercy hearken unto +my desire: because it is anxious not for myself alone, but would serve +brotherly charity; and Thou seest my heart, that so it is. I would +sacrifice to Thee the service of my thought and tongue; do Thou give me, +what I may offer Thee. For I am poor and needy, Thou rich to all that +call upon Thee; Who, inaccessible to care, carest for us. Circumcise +from all rashness and all lying both my inward and outward lips: let +Thy Scriptures be my pure delights: let me not be deceived in them, nor +deceive out of them. Lord, hearken and pity, O Lord my God, Light of the +blind, and Strength of the weak; yea also Light of those that see, and +Strength of the strong; hearken unto my soul, and hear it crying out of +the depths. For if Thine ears be not with us in the depths also, whither +shall we go? whither cry? The day is Thine, and the night is Thine; at +Thy beck the moments flee by. Grant thereof a space for our meditations +in the hidden things of Thy law, and close it not against us who knock. +For not in vain wouldest Thou have the darksome secrets of so many pages +written; nor are those forests without their harts which retire therein +and range and walk; feed, lie down, and ruminate. Perfect me, O +Lord, and reveal them unto me. Behold, Thy voice is my joy; Thy voice +exceedeth the abundance of pleasures. Give what I love: for I do love; +and this hast Thou given: forsake not Thy own gifts, nor despise Thy +green herb that thirsteth. Let me confess unto Thee whatsoever I shall +find in Thy books, and hear the voice of praise, and drink in Thee, +and meditate on the wonderful things out of Thy law; even from the +beginning, wherein Thou madest the heaven and the earth, unto the +everlasting reigning of Thy holy city with Thee. + +Lord, have mercy on me, and hear my desire. For it is not, I deem, of +the earth, not of gold and silver, and precious stones, or gorgeous +apparel, or honours and offices, or the pleasures of the flesh, or +necessaries for the body and for this life of our pilgrimage: all which +shall be added unto those that seek Thy kingdom and Thy righteousness. +Behold, O Lord my God, wherein is my desire. The wicked have told me of +delights, but not such as Thy law, O Lord. Behold, wherein is my desire. +Behold, Father, behold, and see and approve; and be it pleasing in the +sight of Thy mercy, that I may find grace before Thee, that the inward +parts of Thy words be opened to me knocking. I beseech by our Lord Jesus +Christ Thy Son, the Man of Thy right hand, the Son of man, whom Thou +hast established for Thyself, as Thy Mediator and ours, through Whom +Thou soughtest us, not seeking Thee, but soughtest us, that we might +seek Thee,--Thy Word, through Whom Thou madest all things, and among +them, me also;--Thy Only-Begotten, through Whom Thou calledst to +adoption the believing people, and therein me also;--I beseech Thee by +Him, who sitteth at Thy right hand, and intercedeth with Thee for us, +in Whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. These do +I seek in Thy books. Of Him did Moses write; this saith Himself; this +saith the Truth. + +I would hear and understand, how "In the Beginning Thou madest the +heaven and earth." Moses wrote this, wrote and departed, passed hence +from Thee to Thee; nor is he now before me. For if he were, I would hold +him and ask him, and beseech him by Thee to open these things unto me, +and would lay the ears of my body to the sounds bursting out of his +mouth. And should he speak Hebrew, in vain will it strike on my senses, +nor would aught of it touch my mind; but if Latin, I should know what +he said. But whence should I know, whether he spake truth? Yea, and if +I knew this also, should I know it from him? Truly within me, within, in +the chamber of my thoughts, Truth, neither Hebrew, nor Greek, nor Latin, +nor barbarian, without organs of voice or tongue, or sound of syllables, +would say, "It is truth," and I forthwith should say confidently to that +man of Thine, "thou sayest truly." Whereas then I cannot enquire of him, +Thee, Thee I beseech, O Truth, full of Whom he spake truth, Thee, my +God, I beseech, forgive my sins; and Thou, who gavest him Thy servant to +speak these things, give to me also to understand them. + +Behold, the heavens and the earth are; they proclaim that they were +created; for they change and vary. Whereas whatsoever hath not been +made, and yet is, hath nothing in it, which before it had not; and +this it is, to change and vary. They proclaim also, that they made not +themselves; "therefore we are, because we have been made; we were not +therefore, before we were, so as to make ourselves." Now the evidence +of the thing, is the voice of the speakers. Thou therefore, Lord, madest +them; who art beautiful, for they are beautiful; who art good, for they +are good; who art, for they are; yet are they not beautiful nor good, +nor are they, as Thou their Creator art; compared with Whom, they are +neither beautiful, nor good, nor are. This we know, thanks be to Thee. +And our knowledge, compared with Thy knowledge, is ignorance. + +But how didst Thou make the heaven and the earth? and what the engine of +Thy so mighty fabric? For it was not as a human artificer, forming one +body from another, according to the discretion of his mind, which can +in some way invest with such a form, as it seeth in itself by its inward +eye. And whence should he be able to do this, unless Thou hadst made +that mind? and he invests with a form what already existeth, and hath +a being, as clay, or stone, or wood, or gold, or the like. And whence +should they be, hadst not Thou appointed them? Thou madest the artificer +his body, Thou the mind commanding the limbs, Thou the matter whereof he +makes any thing; Thou the apprehension whereby to take in his art, and +see within what he doth without; Thou the sense of his body, whereby, +as by an interpreter, he may from mind to matter, convey that which he +doth, and report to his mind what is done; that it within may consult +the truth, which presideth over itself, whether it be well done or no. +All these praise Thee, the Creator of all. But how dost Thou make them? +how, O God, didst Thou make heaven and earth? Verily, neither in the +heaven, nor in the earth, didst Thou make heaven and earth; nor in the +air, or waters, seeing these also belong to the heaven and the earth; +nor in the whole world didst Thou make the whole world; because there +was no place where to make it, before it was made, that it might be. Nor +didst Thou hold any thing in Thy hand, whereof to make heaven and earth. +For whence shouldest Thou have this, which Thou hadst not made, thereof +to make any thing? For what is, but because Thou art? Therefore Thou +spokest, and they were made, and in Thy Word Thou madest them. + +But how didst Thou speak? In the way that the voice came out of the +cloud, saying, This is my beloved Son? For that voice passed by and +passed away, began and ended; the syllables sounded and passed away, +the second after the first, the third after the second, and so forth in +order, until the last after the rest, and silence after the last. Whence +it is abundantly clear and plain that the motion of a creature expressed +it, itself temporal, serving Thy eternal will. And these Thy words, +created for a time, the outward ear reported to the intelligent soul, +whose inward ear lay listening to Thy Eternal Word. But she compared +these words sounding in time, with that Thy Eternal Word in silence, and +said "It is different, far different. These words are far beneath me, +nor are they, because they flee and pass away; but the Word of my Lord +abideth above me for ever." If then in sounding and passing words Thou +saidst that heaven and earth should be made, and so madest heaven and +earth, there was a corporeal creature before heaven and earth, by whose +motions in time that voice might take his course in time. But there was +nought corporeal before heaven and earth; or if there were, surely Thou +hadst, without such a passing voice, created that, whereof to make this +passing voice, by which to say, Let the heaven and the earth be made. +For whatsoever that were, whereof such a voice were made, unless by +Thee it were made, it could not be at all. By what Word then didst Thou +speak, that a body might be made, whereby these words again might be +made? + +Thou callest us then to understand the Word, God, with Thee God, Which +is spoken eternally, and by It are all things spoken eternally. For what +was spoken was not spoken successively, one thing concluded that the +next might be spoken, but all things together and eternally. Else have +we time and change; and not a true eternity nor true immortality. This I +know, O my God, and give thanks. I know, I confess to Thee, O Lord, and +with me there knows and blesses Thee, whoso is not unthankful to assure +Truth. We know, Lord, we know; since inasmuch as anything is not which +was, and is, which was not, so far forth it dieth and ariseth. Nothing +then of Thy Word doth give place or replace, because It is truly +immortal and eternal. And therefore unto the Word coeternal with Thee +Thou dost at once and eternally say all that Thou dost say; and whatever +Thou sayest shall be made is made; nor dost Thou make, otherwise than by +saying; and yet are not all things made together, or everlasting, which +Thou makest by saying. + +Why, I beseech Thee, O Lord my God? I see it in a way; but how to +express it, I know not, unless it be, that whatsoever begins to be, and +leaves off to be, begins then, and leaves off then, when in Thy eternal +Reason it is known, that it ought to begin or leave off; in which Reason +nothing beginneth or leaveth off. This is Thy Word, which is also "the +Beginning, because also It speaketh unto us." Thus in the Gospel He +speaketh through the flesh; and this sounded outwardly in the ears of +men; that it might be believed and sought inwardly, and found in +the eternal Verity; where the good and only Master teacheth all His +disciples. There, Lord, hear I Thy voice speaking unto me; because He +speaketh us, who teacheth us; but He that teacheth us not, though +He speaketh, to us He speaketh not. Who now teacheth us, but the +unchangeable Truth? for even when we are admonished through a changeable +creature; we are but led to the unchangeable Truth; where we learn +truly, while we stand and hear Him, and rejoice greatly because of the +Bridegroom's voice, restoring us to Him, from Whom we are. And therefore +the Beginning, because unless It abided, there should not, when we +went astray, be whither to return. But when we return from error, it is +through knowing; and that we may know, He teacheth us, because He is the +Beginning, and speaking unto us. + +In this Beginning, O God, hast Thou made heaven and earth, in Thy +Word, in Thy Son, in Thy Power, in Thy Wisdom, in Thy Truth; wondrously +speaking, and wondrously making. Who shall comprehend? Who declare +it? What is that which gleams through me, and strikes my heart without +hurting it; and I shudder and kindle? I shudder, inasmuch as I am unlike +it; I kindle, inasmuch as I am like it. It is Wisdom, Wisdom's self +which gleameth through me; severing my cloudiness which yet again +mantles over me, fainting from it, through the darkness which for my +punishment gathers upon me. For my strength is brought down in need, +so that I cannot support my blessings, till Thou, Lord, Who hast been +gracious to all mine iniquities, shalt heal all my infirmities. For +Thou shalt also redeem my life from corruption, and crown me with loving +kindness and tender mercies, and shalt satisfy my desire with good +things, because my youth shall be renewed like an eagle's. For in hope +we are saved, wherefore we through patience wait for Thy promises. Let +him that is able, hear Thee inwardly discoursing out of Thy oracle: I +will boldly cry out, How wonderful are Thy works, O Lord, in Wisdom +hast Thou made them all; and this Wisdom is the Beginning, and in that +Beginning didst Thou make heaven and earth. + +Lo, are they not full of their old leaven, who say to us, "What was +God doing before He made heaven and earth? For if (say they) He were +unemployed and wrought not, why does He not also henceforth, and for +ever, as He did heretofore? For did any new motion arise in God, and a +new will to make a creature, which He had never before made, how then +would that be a true eternity, where there ariseth a will, which was +not? For the will of God is not a creature, but before the creature; +seeing nothing could be created, unless the will of the Creator had +preceded. The will of God then belongeth to His very Substance. And +if aught have arisen in God's Substance, which before was not, that +Substance cannot be truly called eternal. But if the will of God has +been from eternity that the creature should be, why was not the creature +also from eternity?" + +Who speak thus, do not yet understand Thee, O Wisdom of God, Light of +souls, understand not yet how the things be made, which by Thee, and +in Thee are made: yet they strive to comprehend things eternal, whilst +their heart fluttereth between the motions of things past and to come, +and is still unstable. Who shall hold it, and fix it, that it be settled +awhile, and awhile catch the glory of that ever-fixed Eternity, and +compare it with the times which are never fixed, and see that it cannot +be compared; and that a long time cannot become long, but out of many +motions passing by, which cannot be prolonged altogether; but that in +the Eternal nothing passeth, but the whole is present; whereas no time +is all at once present: and that all time past, is driven on by time to +come, and all to come followeth upon the past; and all past and to come, +is created, and flows out of that which is ever present? Who shall hold +the heart of man, that it may stand still, and see how eternity ever +still-standing, neither past nor to come, uttereth the times past and to +come? Can my hand do this, or the hand of my mouth by speech bring about +a thing so great? + +See, I answer him that asketh, "What did God before He made heaven and +earth?" I answer not as one is said to have done merrily (eluding the +pressure of the question), "He was preparing hell (saith he) for pryers +into mysteries." It is one thing to answer enquiries, another to make +sport of enquirers. So I answer not; for rather had I answer, "I know +not," what I know not, than so as to raise a laugh at him who asketh +deep things and gain praise for one who answereth false things. But I +say that Thou, our God, art the Creator of every creature: and if by +the name "heaven and earth," every creature be understood; I boldly say, +"that before God made heaven and earth, He did not make any thing." For +if He made, what did He make but a creature? And would I knew whatsoever +I desire to know to my profit, as I know, that no creature was made, +before there was made any creature. + +But if any excursive brain rove over the images of forepassed times, and +wonder that Thou the God Almighty and All-creating and All-supporting, +Maker of heaven and earth, didst for innumerable ages forbear from so +great a work, before Thou wouldest make it; let him awake and consider, +that he wonders at false conceits. For whence could innumerable ages +pass by, which Thou madest not, Thou the Author and Creator of all +ages? or what times should there be, which were not made by Thee? or +how should they pass by, if they never were? Seeing then Thou art the +Creator of all times, if any time was before Thou madest heaven and +earth, why say they that Thou didst forego working? For that very time +didst Thou make, nor could times pass by, before Thou madest those +times. But if before heaven and earth there was no time, why is it +demanded, what Thou then didst? For there was no "then," when there was +no time. + +Nor dost Thou by time, precede time: else shouldest Thou not precede +all times. But Thou precedest all things past, by the sublimity of +an ever-present eternity; and surpassest all future because they are +future, and when they come, they shall be past; but Thou art the Same, +and Thy years fail not. Thy years neither come nor go; whereas ours both +come and go, that they all may come. Thy years stand together, because +they do stand; nor are departing thrust out by coming years, for they +pass not away; but ours shall all be, when they shall no more be. Thy +years are one day; and Thy day is not daily, but To-day, seeing Thy +To-day gives not place unto to-morrow, for neither doth it replace +yesterday. Thy To-day, is Eternity; therefore didst Thou beget The +Coeternal, to whom Thou saidst, This day have I begotten Thee. Thou hast +made all things; and before all times Thou art: neither in any time was +time not. + +At no time then hadst Thou not made any thing, because time itself Thou +madest. And no times are coeternal with Thee, because Thou abidest; +but if they abode, they should not be times. For what is time? Who can +readily and briefly explain this? Who can even in thought comprehend it, +so as to utter a word about it? But what in discourse do we mention more +familiarly and knowingly, than time? And, we understand, when we speak +of it; we understand also, when we hear it spoken of by another. What +then is time? If no one asks me, I know: if I wish to explain it to one +that asketh, I know not: yet I say boldly that I know, that if nothing +passed away, time past were not; and if nothing were coming, a time to +come were not; and if nothing were, time present were not. Those two +times then, past and to come, how are they, seeing the past now is +not, and that to come is not yet? But the present, should it always be +present, and never pass into time past, verily it should not be time, +but eternity. If time present (if it is to be time) only cometh into +existence, because it passeth into time past, how can we say that either +this is, whose cause of being is, that it shall not be; so, namely, that +we cannot truly say that time is, but because it is tending not to be? + +And yet we say, "a long time" and "a short time"; still, only of time +past or to come. A long time past (for example) we call an hundred years +since; and a long time to come, an hundred years hence. But a short +time past, we call (suppose) often days since; and a short time to come, +often days hence. But in what sense is that long or short, which is not? +For the past, is not now; and the future, is not yet. Let us not then +say, "it is long"; but of the past, "it hath been long"; and of the +future, "it will be long." O my Lord, my Light, shall not here also Thy +Truth mock at man? For that past time which was long, was it long when +it was now past, or when it was yet present? For then might it be long, +when there was, what could be long; but when past, it was no longer; +wherefore neither could that be long, which was not at all. Let us not +then say, "time past hath been long": for we shall not find, what hath +been long, seeing that since it was past, it is no more, but let us say, +"that present time was long"; because, when it was present, it was long. +For it had not yet passed away, so as not to be; and therefore there +was, what could be long; but after it was past, that ceased also to be +long, which ceased to be. + +Let us see then, thou soul of man, whether present time can be long: +for to thee it is given to feel and to measure length of time. What wilt +thou answer me? Are an hundred years, when present, a long time? See +first, whether an hundred years can be present. For if the first of +these years be now current, it is present, but the other ninety and +nine are to come, and therefore are not yet, but if the second year be +current, one is now past, another present, the rest to come. And so if +we assume any middle year of this hundred to be present, all before it, +are past; all after it, to come; wherefore an hundred years cannot be +present. But see at least whether that one which is now current, itself +is present; for if the current month be its first, the rest are to come; +if the second, the first is already past, and the rest are not yet. +Therefore, neither is the year now current present; and if not present +as a whole, then is not the year present. For twelve months are a year; +of which whatever by the current month is present; the rest past, or to +come. Although neither is that current month present; but one day only; +the rest being to come, if it be the first; past, if the last; if any of +the middle, then amid past and to come. + +See how the present time, which alone we found could be called long, is +abridged to the length scarce of one day. But let us examine that also; +because neither is one day present as a whole. For it is made up of four +and twenty hours of night and day: of which, the first hath the rest to +come; the last hath them past; and any of the middle hath those before +it past, those behind it to come. Yea, that one hour passeth away in +flying particles. Whatsoever of it hath flown away, is past; whatsoever +remaineth, is to come. If an instant of time be conceived, which cannot +be divided into the smallest particles of moments, that alone is it, +which may be called present. Which yet flies with such speed from future +to past, as not to be lengthened out with the least stay. For if it be, +it is divided into past and future. The present hath no space. Where +then is the time, which we may call long? Is it to come? Of it we do not +say, "it is long"; because it is not yet, so as to be long; but we say, +"it will be long." When therefore will it be? For if even then, when it +is yet to come, it shall not be long (because what can be long, as yet +is not), and so it shall then be long, when from future which as yet is +not, it shall begin now to be, and have become present, that so there +should exist what may be long; then does time present cry out in the +words above, that it cannot be long. + +And yet, Lord, we perceive intervals of times, and compare them, and +say, some are shorter, and others longer. We measure also, how much +longer or shorter this time is than that; and we answer, "This is +double, or treble; and that, but once, or only just so much as that." +But we measure times as they are passing, by perceiving them; but past, +which now are not, or the future, which are not yet, who can measure? +unless a man shall presume to say, that can be measured, which is not. +When then time is passing, it may be perceived and measured; but when it +is past, it cannot, because it is not. + +I ask, Father, I affirm not: O my God, rule and guide me. "Who will tell +me that there are not three times (as we learned when boys, and taught +boys), past, present, and future; but present only, because those two +are not? Or are they also; and when from future it becometh present, +doth it come out of some secret place; and so, when retiring, from +present it becometh past? For where did they, who foretold things to +come, see them, if as yet they be not? For that which is not, cannot be +seen. And they who relate things past, could not relate them, if in mind +they did not discern them, and if they were not, they could no way be +discerned. Things then past and to come, are." + +Permit me, Lord, to seek further. O my hope, let not my purpose be +confounded. For if times past and to come be, I would know where they +be. Which yet if I cannot, yet I know, wherever they be, they are not +there as future, or past, but present. For if there also they be future, +they are not yet there; if there also they be past, they are no longer +there. Wheresoever then is whatsoever is, it is only as present. +Although when past facts are related, there are drawn out of the memory, +not the things themselves which are past, but words which, conceived by +the images of the things, they, in passing, have through the senses left +as traces in the mind. Thus my childhood, which now is not, is in time +past, which now is not: but now when I recall its image, and tell of it, +I behold it in the present, because it is still in my memory. Whether +there be a like cause of foretelling things to come also; that of +things which as yet are not, the images may be perceived before, already +existing, I confess, O my God, I know not. This indeed I know, that we +generally think before on our future actions, and that that forethinking +is present, but the action whereof we forethink is not yet, because it +is to come. Which, when we have set upon, and have begun to do what +we were forethinking, then shall that action be; because then it is no +longer future, but present. + +Which way soever then this secret fore-perceiving of things to come be; +that only can be seen, which is. But what now is, is not future, +but present. When then things to come are said to be seen, it is not +themselves which as yet are not (that is, which are to be), but their +causes perchance or signs are seen, which already are. Therefore they +are not future but present to those who now see that, from which +the future, being foreconceived in the mind, is foretold. Which +fore-conceptions again now are; and those who foretell those things, do +behold the conceptions present before them. Let now the numerous variety +of things furnish me some example. I behold the day-break, I foreshow, +that the sun, is about to rise. What I behold, is present; what I +foresignify, to come; not the sun, which already is; but the sun-rising, +which is not yet. And yet did I not in my mind imagine the sun-rising +itself (as now while I speak of it), I could not foretell it. But +neither is that day-break which I discern in the sky, the sun-rising, +although it goes before it; nor that imagination of my mind; which two +are seen now present, that the other which is to be may be foretold. +Future things then are not yet: and if they be not yet, they are not: +and if they are not, they cannot be seen; yet foretold they may be from +things present, which are already, and are seen. + +Thou then, Ruler of Thy creation, by what way dost Thou teach souls +things to come? For Thou didst teach Thy Prophets. By what way dost +Thou, to whom nothing is to come, teach things to come; or rather of the +future, dost teach things present? For, what is not, neither can it be +taught. Too far is this way of my ken: it is too mighty for me, I cannot +attain unto it; but from Thee I can, when Thou shalt vouchsafe it, O +sweet light of my hidden eyes. + +What now is clear and plain is, that neither things to come nor past +are. Nor is it properly said, "there be three times, past, present, +and to come": yet perchance it might be properly said, "there be three +times; a present of things past, a present of things present, and a +present of things future." For these three do exist in some sort, in the +soul, but otherwhere do I not see them; present of things past, memory; +present of things present, sight; present of things future, expectation. +If thus we be permitted to speak, I see three times, and I confess there +are three. Let it be said too, "there be three times, past, present, and +to come": in our incorrect way. See, I object not, nor gainsay, nor find +fault, if what is so said be but understood, that neither what is to be, +now is, nor what is past. For but few things are there, which we +speak properly, most things improperly; still the things intended are +understood. + +I said then even now, we measure times as they pass, in order to be able +to say, this time is twice so much as that one; or, this is just so +much as that; and so of any other parts of time, which be measurable. +Wherefore, as I said, we measure times as they pass. And if any should +ask me, "How knowest thou?" I might answer, "I know, that we do measure, +nor can we measure things that are not; and things past and to come, are +not." But time present how do we measure, seeing it hath no space? It +is measured while passing, but when it shall have passed, it is not +measured; for there will be nothing to be measured. But whence, by what +way, and whither passes it while it is a measuring? whence, but from the +future? Which way, but through the present? whither, but into the past? +From that therefore, which is not yet, through that, which hath no +space, into that, which now is not. Yet what do we measure, if not time +in some space? For we do not say, single, and double, and triple, and +equal, or any other like way that we speak of time, except of spaces +of times. In what space then do we measure time passing? In the future, +whence it passeth through? But what is not yet, we measure not. Or in +the present, by which it passes? but no space, we do not measure: or in +the past, to which it passes? But neither do we measure that, which now +is not. + +My soul is on fire to know this most intricate enigma. Shut it not up, O +Lord my God, good Father; through Christ I beseech Thee, do not shut up +these usual, yet hidden things, from my desire, that it be hindered from +piercing into them; but let them dawn through Thy enlightening mercy, O +Lord. Whom shall I enquire of concerning these things? and to whom shall +I more fruitfully confess my ignorance, than to Thee, to Whom these +my studies, so vehemently kindled toward Thy Scriptures, are not +troublesome? Give what I love; for I do love, and this hast Thou +given me. Give, Father, Who truly knowest to give good gifts unto Thy +children. Give, because I have taken upon me to know, and trouble is +before me until Thou openest it. By Christ I beseech Thee, in His Name, +Holy of holies, let no man disturb me. For I believed, and therefore do +I speak. This is my hope, for this do I live, that I may contemplate the +delights of the Lord. Behold, Thou hast made my days old, and they pass +away, and how, I know not. And we talk of time, and time, and times, and +times, "How long time is it since he said this"; "how long time since he +did this"; and "how long time since I saw that"; and "this syllable hath +double time to that single short syllable." These words we speak, and +these we hear, and are understood, and understand. Most manifest and +ordinary they are, and the self-same things again are but too deeply +hidden, and the discovery of them were new. + +I heard once from a learned man, that the motions of the sun, moon, +and stars, constituted time, and I assented not. For why should not +the motions of all bodies rather be times? Or, if the lights of heaven +should cease, and a potter's wheel run round, should there be no time +by which we might measure those whirlings, and say, that either it +moved with equal pauses, or if it turned sometimes slower, otherwhiles +quicker, that some rounds were longer, other shorter? Or, while we were +saying this, should we not also be speaking in time? Or, should there +in our words be some syllables short, others long, but because those +sounded in a shorter time, these in a longer? God, grant to men to see +in a small thing notices common to things great and small. The stars and +lights of heaven, are also for signs, and for seasons, and for years, +and for days; they are; yet neither should I say, that the going round +of that wooden wheel was a day, nor yet he, that it was therefore no +time. + +I desire to know the force and nature of time, by which we measure the +motions of bodies, and say (for example) this motion is twice as long as +that. For I ask, Seeing "day" denotes not the stay only of the sun upon +the earth (according to which day is one thing, night another); but also +its whole circuit from east to east again; according to which we say, +"there passed so many days," the night being included when we say, "so +many days," and the nights not reckoned apart;--seeing then a day is +completed by the motion of the sun and by his circuit from east to east +again, I ask, does the motion alone make the day, or the stay in which +that motion is completed, or both? For if the first be the day; then +should we have a day, although the sun should finish that course in so +small a space of time, as one hour comes to. If the second, then should +not that make a day, if between one sun-rise and another there were +but so short a stay, as one hour comes to; but the sun must go four and +twenty times about, to complete one day. If both, then neither could +that be called a day; if the sun should run his whole round in the +space of one hour; nor that, if, while the sun stood still, so much +time should overpass, as the sun usually makes his whole course in, from +morning to morning. I will not therefore now ask, what that is which is +called day; but, what time is, whereby we, measuring the circuit of the +sun, should say that it was finished in half the time it was wont, if +so be it was finished in so small a space as twelve hours; and comparing +both times, should call this a single time, that a double time; even +supposing the sun to run his round from east to east, sometimes in that +single, sometimes in that double time. Let no man then tell me, that the +motions of the heavenly bodies constitute times, because, when at +the prayer of one, the sun had stood still, till he could achieve his +victorious battle, the sun stood still, but time went on. For in its own +allotted space of time was that battle waged and ended. I perceive +time then to be a certain extension. But do I perceive it, or seem to +perceive it? Thou, Light and Truth, wilt show me. + +Dost Thou bid me assent, if any define time to be "motion of a body?" +Thou dost not bid me. For that no body is moved, but in time, I hear; +this Thou sayest; but that the motion of a body is time, I hear not; +Thou sayest it not. For when a body is moved, I by time measure, how +long it moveth, from the time it began to move until it left off? And if +I did not see whence it began; and it continue to move so that I see not +when it ends, I cannot measure, save perchance from the time I began, +until I cease to see. And if I look long, I can only pronounce it to be +a long time, but not how long; because when we say "how long," we do +it by comparison; as, "this is as long as that," or "twice so long as +that," or the like. But when we can mark the distances of the places, +whence and whither goeth the body moved, or his parts, if it moved as in +a lathe, then can we say precisely, in how much time the motion of +that body or his part, from this place unto that, was finished. Seeing +therefore the motion of a body is one thing, that by which we measure +how long it is, another; who sees not, which of the two is rather to +be called time? For and if a body be sometimes moved, sometimes stands +still, then we measure, not his motion only, but his standing still too +by time; and we say, "it stood still, as much as it moved"; or "it stood +still twice or thrice so long as it moved"; or any other space which our +measuring hath either ascertained, or guessed; more or less, as we use +to say. Time then is not the motion of a body. + +And I confess to Thee, O Lord, that I yet know not what time is, and +again I confess unto Thee, O Lord, that I know that I speak this in +time, and that having long spoken of time, that very "long" is not long, +but by the pause of time. How then know I this, seeing I know not what +time is? or is it perchance that I know not how to express what I know? +Woe is me, that do not even know, what I know not. Behold, O my God, +before Thee I lie not; but as I speak, so is my heart. Thou shalt light +my candle; Thou, O Lord my God, wilt enlighten my darkness. + +Does not my soul most truly confess unto Thee, that I do measure times? +Do I then measure, O my God, and know not what I measure? I measure the +motion of a body in time; and the time itself do I not measure? Or could +I indeed measure the motion of a body how long it were, and in how long +space it could come from this place to that, without measuring the time +in which it is moved? This same time then, how do I measure? do we by a +shorter time measure a longer, as by the space of a cubit, the space +of a rood? for so indeed we seem by the space of a short syllable, to +measure the space of a long syllable, and to say that this is double +the other. Thus measure we the spaces of stanzas, by the spaces of the +verses, and the spaces of the verses, by the spaces of the feet, and the +spaces of the feet, by the spaces of the syllables, and the spaces of +long, by the space of short syllables; not measuring by pages (for then +we measure spaces, not times); but when we utter the words and they pass +by, and we say "it is a long stanza," because composed of so many verses; +long verses, because consisting of so many feet; long feet, because +prolonged by so many syllables; a long syllable because double to a +short one. But neither do we this way obtain any certain measure of +time; because it may be, that a shorter verse, pronounced more fully, +may take up more time than a longer, pronounced hurriedly. And so for a +verse, a foot, a syllable. Whence it seemed to me, that time is nothing +else than protraction; but of what, I know not; and I marvel, if it +be not of the mind itself? For what, I beseech Thee, O my God, do I +measure, when I say, either indefinitely "this is a longer time than +that," or definitely "this is double that"? That I measure time, I know; +and yet I measure not time to come, for it is not yet; nor present, +because it is not protracted by any space; nor past, because it now is +not. What then do I measure? Times passing, not past? for so I said. + +Courage, my mind, and press on mightily. God is our helper, He made us, +and not we ourselves. Press on where truth begins to dawn. Suppose, now, +the voice of a body begins to sound, and does sound, and sounds on, and +list, it ceases; it is silence now, and that voice is past, and is +no more a voice. Before it sounded, it was to come, and could not be +measured, because as yet it was not, and now it cannot, because it is +no longer. Then therefore while it sounded, it might; because there then +was what might be measured. But yet even then it was not at a stay; for +it was passing on, and passing away. Could it be measured the rather, +for that? For while passing, it was being extended into some space of +time, so that it might be measured, since the present hath no space. If +therefore then it might, then, lo, suppose another voice hath begun +to sound, and still soundeth in one continued tenor without any +interruption; let us measure it while it sounds; seeing when it hath +left sounding, it will then be past, and nothing left to be measured; +let us measure it verily, and tell how much it is. But it sounds still, +nor can it be measured but from the instant it began in, unto the end +it left in. For the very space between is the thing we measure, namely, +from some beginning unto some end. Wherefore, a voice that is not yet +ended, cannot be measured, so that it may be said how long, or short it +is; nor can it be called equal to another, or double to a single, or the +like. But when ended, it no longer is. How may it then be measured? And +yet we measure times; but yet neither those which are not yet, nor those +which no longer are, nor those which are not lengthened out by some +pause, nor those which have no bounds. We measure neither times to come, +nor past, nor present, nor passing; and yet we do measure times. + +"Deus Creator omnium," this verse of eight syllables alternates between +short and long syllables. The four short then, the first, third, fifth, +and seventh, are but single, in respect of the four long, the second, +fourth, sixth, and eighth. Every one of these to every one of those, +hath a double time: I pronounce them, report on them, and find it so, +as one's plain sense perceives. By plain sense then, I measure a long +syllable by a short, and I sensibly find it to have twice so much; but +when one sounds after the other, if the former be short, the latter +long, how shall I detain the short one, and how, measuring, shall I +apply it to the long, that I may find this to have twice so much; seeing +the long does not begin to sound, unless the short leaves sounding? And +that very long one do I measure as present, seeing I measure it not +till it be ended? Now his ending is his passing away. What then is it I +measure? where is the short syllable by which I measure? where the long +which I measure? Both have sounded, have flown, passed away, are no +more; and yet I measure, and confidently answer (so far as is presumed +on a practised sense) that as to space of time this syllable is but +single, that double. And yet I could not do this, unless they were +already past and ended. It is not then themselves, which now are not, +that I measure, but something in my memory, which there remains fixed. + +It is in thee, my mind, that I measure times. Interrupt me not, that +is, interrupt not thyself with the tumults of thy impressions. In thee +I measure times; the impression, which things as they pass by cause in +thee, remains even when they are gone; this it is which still present, +I measure, not the things which pass by to make this impression. This +I measure, when I measure times. Either then this is time, or I do not +measure times. What when we measure silence, and say that this silence +hath held as long time as did that voice? do we not stretch out our +thought to the measure of a voice, as if it sounded, that so we may be +able to report of the intervals of silence in a given space of time? For +though both voice and tongue be still, yet in thought we go over poems, +and verses, and any other discourse, or dimensions of motions, and +report as to the spaces of times, how much this is in respect of that, +no otherwise than if vocally we did pronounce them. If a man would utter +a lengthened sound, and had settled in thought how long it should be, he +hath in silence already gone through a space of time, and committing +it to memory, begins to utter that speech, which sounds on, until it be +brought unto the end proposed. Yea it hath sounded, and will sound; for +so much of it as is finished, hath sounded already, and the rest will +sound. And thus passeth it on, until the present intent conveys over +the future into the past; the past increasing by the diminution of the +future, until by the consumption of the future, all is past. + +But how is that future diminished or consumed, which as yet is not? or +how that past increased, which is now no longer, save that in the mind +which enacteth this, there be three things done? For it expects, it +considers, it remembers; that so that which it expecteth, through +that which it considereth, passeth into that which it remembereth. Who +therefore denieth, that things to come are not as yet? and yet, there is +in the mind an expectation of things to come. And who denies past things +to be now no longer? and yet is there still in the mind a memory of +things past. And who denieth the present time hath no space, because it +passeth away in a moment? and yet our consideration continueth, through +which that which shall be present proceedeth to become absent. It is not +then future time, that is long, for as yet it is not: but a long future, +is "a long expectation of the future," nor is it time past, which now is +not, that is long; but a long past, is "a long memory of the past." + +I am about to repeat a Psalm that I know. Before I begin, my expectation +is extended over the whole; but when I have begun, how much soever of +it I shall separate off into the past, is extended along my memory; thus +the life of this action of mine is divided between my memory as to what +I have repeated, and expectation as to what I am about to repeat; but +"consideration" is present with me, that through it what was future, may +be conveyed over, so as to become past. Which the more it is done again +and again, so much the more the expectation being shortened, is the +memory enlarged: till the whole expectation be at length exhausted, when +that whole action being ended, shall have passed into memory. And this +which takes place in the whole Psalm, the same takes place in each +several portion of it, and each several syllable; the same holds in that +longer action, whereof this Psalm may be part; the same holds in the +whole life of man, whereof all the actions of man are parts; the same +holds through the whole age of the sons of men, whereof all the lives of +men are parts. + +But because Thy loving-kindness is better than all lives, behold, my +life is but a distraction, and Thy right hand upheld me, in my Lord the +Son of man, the Mediator betwixt Thee, The One, and us many, many also +through our manifold distractions amid many things, that by Him I may +apprehend in Whom I have been apprehended, and may be re-collected from +my old conversation, to follow The One, forgetting what is behind, and +not distended but extended, not to things which shall be and shall +pass away, but to those things which are before, not distractedly but +intently, I follow on for the prize of my heavenly calling, where I may +hear the voice of Thy praise, and contemplate Thy delights, neither +to come, nor to pass away. But now are my years spent in mourning. And +Thou, O Lord, art my comfort, my Father everlasting, but I have been +severed amid times, whose order I know not; and my thoughts, even +the inmost bowels of my soul, are rent and mangled with tumultuous +varieties, until I flow together into Thee, purified and molten by the +fire of Thy love. + +And now will I stand, and become firm in Thee, in my mould, Thy truth; +nor will I endure the questions of men, who by a penal disease thirst +for more than they can contain, and say, "what did God before He made +heaven and earth?" Or, "How came it into His mind to make any thing, +having never before made any thing?" Give them, O Lord, well to +bethink themselves what they say, and to find, that "never" cannot be +predicated, when "time" is not. This then that He is said "never to have +made"; what else is it to say, than "in 'no time' to have made?" Let +them see therefore, that time cannot be without created being, and cease +to speak that vanity. May they also be extended towards those things +which are before; and understand Thee before all times, the eternal +Creator of all times, and that no times be coeternal with Thee, nor any +creature, even if there be any creature before all times. + +O Lord my God, what a depth is that recess of Thy mysteries, and how far +from it have the consequences of my transgressions cast me! Heal mine +eyes, that I may share the joy of Thy light. Certainly, if there be mind +gifted with such vast knowledge and foreknowledge, as to know all things +past and to come, as I know one well-known Psalm, truly that mind is +passing wonderful, and fearfully amazing; in that nothing past, nothing +to come in after-ages, is any more hidden from him, than when I sung +that Psalm, was hidden from me what, and how much of it had passed away +from the beginning, what, and how much there remained unto the end. But +far be it that Thou the Creator of the Universe, the Creator of souls +and bodies, far be it, that Thou shouldest in such wise know all things +past and to come. Far, far more wonderfully, and far more mysteriously, +dost Thou know them. For not, as the feelings of one who singeth what he +knoweth, or heareth some well-known song, are through expectation of the +words to come, and the remembering of those that are past, varied, +and his senses divided,--not so doth any thing happen unto Thee, +unchangeably eternal, that is, the eternal Creator of minds. Like then +as Thou in the Beginning knewest the heaven and the earth, without any +variety of Thy knowledge, so madest Thou in the Beginning heaven and +earth, without any distraction of Thy action. Whoso understandeth, let +him confess unto Thee; and whoso understandeth not, let him confess +unto Thee. Oh how high art Thou, and yet the humble in heart are Thy +dwelling-place; for Thou raisest up those that are bowed down, and they +fall not, whose elevation Thou art. + + + + +BOOK XII + + +My heart, O Lord, touched with the words of Thy Holy Scripture, is much +busied, amid this poverty of my life. And therefore most times, is the +poverty of human understanding copious in words, because enquiring hath +more to say than discovering, and demanding is longer than obtaining, +and our hand that knocks, hath more work to do, than our hand that +receives. We hold the promise, who shall make it null? If God be for us, +who can be against us? Ask, and ye shall have; seek, and ye shall find; +knock, and it shall be opened unto you. For every one that asketh, +receiveth; and he that seeketh, findeth; and to him that knocketh, +shall it be opened. These be Thine own promises: and who need fear to be +deceived, when the Truth promiseth? + +The lowliness of my tongue confesseth unto Thy Highness, that Thou +madest heaven and earth; this heaven which I see, and this earth that I +tread upon, whence is this earth that I bear about me; Thou madest it. +But where is that heaven of heavens, O Lord, which we hear of in the +words of the Psalm. The heaven of heavens are the Lord's; but the earth +hath He given to the children of men? Where is that heaven which we see +not, to which all this which we see is earth? For this corporeal whole, +not being wholly every where, hath in such wise received its portion of +beauty in these lower parts, whereof the lowest is this our earth; but +to that heaven of heavens, even the heaven of our earth, is but earth: +yea both these great bodies, may not absurdly be called earth, to that +unknown heaven, which is the Lord's, not the sons' of men. + +And now this earth was invisible and without form, and there was I know +not what depth of abyss, upon which there was no light, because it had +no shape. Therefore didst Thou command it to be written, that darkness +was upon the face of the deep; what else than the absence of light? For +had there been light, where should it have been but by being over all, +aloft, and enlightening? Where then light was not, what was the presence +of darkness, but the absence of light? Darkness therefore was upon it, +because light was not upon it; as where sound is not, there is silence. +And what is it to have silence there, but to have no sound there? Hast +not Thou, O Lord, taught his soul, which confesseth unto Thee? Hast not +Thou taught me, Lord, that before Thou formedst and diversifiedst this +formless matter, there was nothing, neither colour, nor figure, nor +body, nor spirit? and yet not altogether nothing; for there was a +certain formlessness, without any beauty. + +How then should it be called, that it might be in some measure conveyed +to those of duller mind, but by some ordinary word? And what, among all +parts of the world can be found nearer to an absolute formlessness, than +earth and deep? For, occupying the lowest stage, they are less beautiful +than the other higher parts are, transparent all and shining. Wherefore +then may I not conceive the formlessness of matter (which Thou hadst +created without beauty, whereof to make this beautiful world) to be +suitably intimated unto men, by the name of earth invisible and without +form. + +So that when thought seeketh what the sense may conceive under this, +and saith to itself, "It is no intellectual form, as life, or justice; +because it is the matter of bodies; nor object of sense, because being +invisible, and without form, there was in it no object of sight or +sense";--while man's thought thus saith to itself, it may endeavour +either to know it, by being ignorant of it; or to be ignorant, by +knowing it. + +But I, Lord, if I would, by my tongue and my pen, confess unto Thee the +whole, whatever Thyself hath taught me of that matter,--the name whereof +hearing before, and not understanding, when they who understood it not, +told me of it, so I conceived of it as having innumerable forms and +diverse, and therefore did not conceive it at all, my mind tossed up and +down foul and horrible "forms" out of all order, but yet "forms" and I +called it without form not that it wanted all form, but because it had +such as my mind would, if presented to it, turn from, as unwonted and +jarring, and human frailness would be troubled at. And still that which +I conceived, was without form, not as being deprived of all form, but +in comparison of more beautiful forms; and true reason did persuade me, +that I must utterly uncase it of all remnants of form whatsoever, if +I would conceive matter absolutely without form; and I could not; for +sooner could I imagine that not to be at all, which should be deprived +of all form, than conceive a thing betwixt form and nothing, neither +formed, nor nothing, a formless almost nothing. So my mind gave over to +question thereupon with my spirit, it being filled with the images of +formed bodies, and changing and varying them, as it willed; and I bent +myself to the bodies themselves, and looked more deeply into their +changeableness, by which they cease to be what they have been, and begin +to be what they were not; and this same shifting from form to form, I +suspected to be through a certain formless state, not through a mere +nothing; yet this I longed to know, not to suspect only.-If then my +voice and pen would confess unto Thee the whole, whatsoever knots Thou +didst open for me in this question, what reader would hold out to take +in the whole? Nor shall my heart for all this cease to give Thee honour, +and a song of praise, for those things which it is not able to express. +For the changeableness of changeable things, is itself capable of all +those forms, into which these changeable things are changed. And this +changeableness, what is it? Is it soul? Is it body? Is it that which +constituteth soul or body? Might one say, "a nothing something", an +"is, is not," I would say, this were it: and yet in some way was it even +then, as being capable of receiving these visible and compound figures. + +But whence had it this degree of being, but from Thee, from Whom are all +things, so far forth as they are? But so much the further from Thee, as +the unliker Thee; for it is not farness of place. Thou therefore, +Lord, Who art not one in one place, and otherwise in another, but the +Self-same, and the Self-same, and the Self-same, Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord +God Almighty, didst in the Beginning, which is of Thee, in Thy Wisdom, +which was born of Thine own Substance, create something, and that out of +nothing. For Thou createdst heaven and earth; not out of Thyself, for so +should they have been equal to Thine Only Begotten Son, and thereby to +Thee also; whereas no way were it right that aught should be equal to +Thee, which was not of Thee. And aught else besides Thee was there not, +whereof Thou mightest create them, O God, One Trinity, and Trine Unity; +and therefore out of nothing didst Thou create heaven and earth; a great +thing, and a small thing; for Thou art Almighty and Good, to make all +things good, even the great heaven, and the petty earth. Thou wert, and +nothing was there besides, out of which Thou createdst heaven and earth; +things of two sorts; one near Thee, the other near to nothing; one to +which Thou alone shouldest be superior; the other, to which nothing +should be inferior. + +But that heaven of heavens was for Thyself, O Lord; but the earth which +Thou gavest to the sons of men, to be seen and felt, was not such as we +now see and feel. For it was invisible, without form, and there was a +deep, upon which there was no light; or, darkness was above the deep, +that is, more than in the deep. Because this deep of waters, visible +now, hath even in his depths, a light proper for its nature; perceivable +in whatever degree unto the fishes, and creeping things in the bottom +of it. But that whole deep was almost nothing, because hitherto it +was altogether without form; yet there was already that which could be +formed. For Thou, Lord, madest the world of a matter without form, which +out of nothing, Thou madest next to nothing, thereof to make those +great things, which we sons of men wonder at. For very wonderful is this +corporeal heaven; of which firmament between water and water, the second +day, after the creation of light, Thou saidst, Let it be made, and it +was made. Which firmament Thou calledst heaven; the heaven, that is, to +this earth and sea, which Thou madest the third day, by giving a visible +figure to the formless matter, which Thou madest before all days. For +already hadst Thou made both an heaven, before all days; but that was +the heaven of this heaven; because In the beginning Thou hadst made +heaven and earth. But this same earth which Thou madest was formless +matter, because it was invisible and without form, and darkness was +upon the deep, of which invisible earth and without form, of which +formlessness, of which almost nothing, Thou mightest make all these +things of which this changeable world consists, but subsists not; whose +very changeableness appears therein, that times can be observed and +numbered in it. For times are made by the alterations of things, while +the figures, the matter whereof is the invisible earth aforesaid, are +varied and turned. + +And therefore the Spirit, the Teacher of Thy servant, when It recounts +Thee to have In the Beginning created heaven and earth, speaks nothing +of times, nothing of days. For verily that heaven of heavens which +Thou createdst in the Beginning, is some intellectual creature, which, +although no ways coeternal unto Thee, the Trinity, yet partaketh of +Thy eternity, and doth through the sweetness of that most happy +contemplation of Thyself, strongly restrain its own changeableness; and +without any fall since its first creation, cleaving close unto Thee, is +placed beyond all the rolling vicissitude of times. Yea, neither is this +very formlessness of the earth, invisible, and without form, numbered +among the days. For where no figure nor order is, there does nothing +come, or go; and where this is not, there plainly are no days, nor any +vicissitude of spaces of times. + +O let the Light, the Truth, the Light of my heart, not mine own +darkness, speak unto me. I fell off into that, and became darkened; but +even thence, even thence I loved Thee. I went astray, and remembered +Thee. I heard Thy voice behind me, calling to me to return, and scarcely +heard it, through the tumultuousness of the enemies of peace. And now, +behold, I return in distress and panting after Thy fountain. Let no man +forbid me! of this will I drink, and so live. Let me not be mine own +life; from myself I lived ill, death was I to myself; and I revive in +Thee. Do Thou speak unto me, do Thou discourse unto me. I have believed +Thy Books, and their words be most full of mystery. + +Already Thou hast told me with a strong voice, O Lord, in my inner ear, +that Thou art eternal, Who only hast immortality; since Thou canst not +be changed as to figure or motion, nor is Thy will altered by times: +seeing no will which varies is immortal. This is in Thy sight clear to +me, and let it be more and more cleared to me, I beseech Thee; and in +the manifestation thereof, let me with sobriety abide under Thy wings. +Thou hast told me also with a strong voice, O Lord, in my inner ear, +that Thou hast made all natures and substances, which are not what +Thyself is, and yet are; and that only is not from Thee, which is not, +and the motion of the will from Thee who art, unto that which in a less +degree is, because such motion is transgression and sin; and that no +man's sin doth either hurt Thee, or disturb the order of Thy government, +first or last. This is in Thy sight clear unto me, and let it be +more and more cleared to me, I beseech Thee: and in the manifestation +thereof, let me with sobriety abide under Thy wings. + +Thou hast told me also with a strong voice, in my inner ear, that +neither is that creature coeternal unto Thyself, whose happiness +Thou only art, and which with a most persevering purity, drawing its +nourishment from Thee, doth in no place and at no time put forth its +natural mutability; and, Thyself being ever present with it, unto Whom +with its whole affection it keeps itself, having neither future to +expect, nor conveying into the past what it remembereth, is neither +altered by any change, nor distracted into any times. O blessed +creature, if such there be, for cleaving unto Thy Blessedness; blest in +Thee, its eternal Inhabitant and its Enlightener! Nor do I find by what +name I may the rather call the heaven of heavens which is the Lord's, +than Thine house, which contemplateth Thy delights without any defection +of going forth to another; one pure mind, most harmoniously one, by that +settled estate of peace of holy spirits, the citizens of Thy city in +heavenly places; far above those heavenly places that we see. + +By this may the soul, whose pilgrimage is made long and far away, by +this may she understand, if she now thirsts for Thee, if her tears be +now become her bread, while they daily say unto her, Where is Thy God? +if she now seeks of Thee one thing, and desireth it, that she may dwell +in Thy house all the days of her life (and what is her life, but Thou? +and what Thy days, but Thy eternity, as Thy years which fail not, +because Thou art ever the same?); by this then may the soul that is +able, understand how far Thou art, above all times, eternal; seeing +Thy house which at no time went into a far country, although it be not +coeternal with Thee, yet by continually and unfailingly cleaving unto +Thee, suffers no changeableness of times. This is in Thy sight clear +unto me, and let it be more and more cleared unto me, I beseech Thee, +and in the manifestation thereof, let me with sobriety abide under Thy +wings. + +There is, behold, I know not what formlessness in those changes of these +last and lowest creatures; and who shall tell me (unless such a one as +through the emptiness of his own heart, wonders and tosses himself up +and down amid his own fancies?), who but such a one would tell me, that +if all figure be so wasted and consumed away, that there should only +remain that formlessness, through which the thing was changed and turned +from one figure to another, that that could exhibit the vicissitudes +of times? For plainly it could not, because, without the variety of +motions, there are no times: and no variety, where there is no figure. + +These things considered, as much as Thou givest, O my God, as much +as Thou stirrest me up to knock, and as much as Thou openest to me +knocking, two things I find that Thou hast made, not within the compass +of time, neither of which is coeternal with Thee. One, which is so +formed, that without any ceasing of contemplation, without any interval +of change, though changeable, yet not changed, it may thoroughly enjoy +Thy eternity and unchangeableness; the other which was so formless, +that it had not that, which could be changed from one form into another, +whether of motion, or of repose, so as to become subject unto time. But +this Thou didst not leave thus formless, because before all days, Thou +in the Beginning didst create Heaven and Earth; the two things that I +spake of. But the Earth was invisible and without form, and darkness +was upon the deep. In which words, is the formlessness conveyed unto us +(that such capacities may hereby be drawn on by degrees, as are not +able to conceive an utter privation of all form, without yet coming to +nothing), out of which another Heaven might be created, together with +a visible and well-formed earth: and the waters diversly ordered, and +whatsoever further is in the formation of the world, recorded to have +been, not without days, created; and that, as being of such nature, that +the successive changes of times may take place in them, as being subject +to appointed alterations of motions and of forms. + +This then is what I conceive, O my God, when I hear Thy Scripture +saying, In the beginning God made Heaven and Earth: and the Earth was +invisible and without form, and darkness was upon the deep, and not +mentioning what day Thou createdst them; this is what I conceive, that +because of the Heaven of heavens,--that intellectual Heaven, whose +Intelligences know all at once, not in part, not darkly, not through a +glass, but as a whole, in manifestation, face to face; not, this thing +now, and that thing anon; but (as I said) know all at once, without any +succession of times;--and because of the earth invisible and without +form, without any succession of times, which succession presents "this +thing now, that thing anon"; because where is no form, there is +no distinction of things:--it is, then, on account of these two, a +primitive formed, and a primitive formless; the one, heaven but the +Heaven of heaven, the other earth but the earth invisible and without +form; because of these two do I conceive, did Thy Scripture say without +mention of days, In the Beginning God created Heaven and Earth. For +forthwith it subjoined what earth it spake of; and also, in that the +Firmament is recorded to be created the second day, and called Heaven, +it conveys to us of which Heaven He before spake, without mention of +days. + +Wondrous depth of Thy words! whose surface, behold! is before us, +inviting to little ones; yet are they a wondrous depth. O my God, a +wondrous depth! It is awful to look therein; an awfulness of honour, and +a trembling of love. The enemies thereof I hate vehemently; oh that Thou +wouldest slay them with Thy two-edged sword, that they might no longer +be enemies unto it: for so do I love to have them slain unto themselves, +that they may live unto Thee. But behold others not faultfinders, but +extollers of the book of Genesis; "The Spirit of God," say they, "Who +by His servant Moses wrote these things, would not have those words +thus understood; He would not have it understood, as thou sayest, but +otherwise, as we say." Unto Whom Thyself, O Thou God all, being judge, +do I thus answer. + +"Will you affirm that to be false, which with a strong voice Truth tells +me in my inner ear, concerning the Eternity of the Creator, that His +substance is no ways changed by time, nor His will separate from His +substance? Wherefore He willeth not one thing now, another anon, but +once, and at once, and always, He willeth all things that He willeth; +not again and again, nor now this, now that; nor willeth afterwards, +what before He willed not, nor willeth not, what before He willed; +because such a will is and no mutable thing is eternal: but our God is +eternal. Again, what He tells me in my inner ear, the expectation of +things to come becomes sight, when they are come, and this same sight +becomes memory, when they be past. Now all thought which thus varies is +mutable; and no mutable thing is eternal: but our God is eternal." These +things I infer, and put together, and find that my God, the eternal God, +hath not upon any new will made any creature, nor doth His knowledge +admit of any thing transitory. "What will ye say then, O ye gainsayers? +Are these things false?" "No," they say; "What then? Is it false, that +every nature already formed, or matter capable of form, is not, but from +Him Who is supremely good, because He is supremely?" "Neither do we deny +this," say they. "What then? do you deny this, that there is a certain +sublime creature, with so chaste a love cleaving unto the true and +truly eternal God, that although not coeternal with Him, yet is it not +detached from Him, nor dissolved into the variety and vicissitude of +times, but reposeth in the most true contemplation of Him only?" Because +Thou, O God, unto him that loveth Thee so much as Thou commandest, dost +show Thyself, and sufficest him; and therefore doth he not decline +from Thee, nor toward himself. This is the house of God, not of earthly +mould, nor of celestial bulk corporeal but spiritual, and partaker of +Thy eternity, because without defection for ever. For Thou hast made +it fast for ever and ever, Thou hast given it a law which it shall not +pass. Nor yet is it coeternal with Thee, O God, because not without +beginning; for it was made. + +For although we find no time before it, for wisdom was created before +all things; not that Wisdom which is altogether equal and coeternal unto +Thee, our God, His Father, and by Whom all things were created, and in +Whom, as the Beginning, Thou createdst heaven and earth; but that +wisdom which is created, that is, the intellectual nature, which by +contemplating the light, is light. For this, though created, is also +called wisdom. But what difference there is betwixt the Light which +enlighteneth, and which is enlightened, so much is there betwixt the +Wisdom that createth, and that created; as betwixt the Righteousness +which justifieth, and the righteousness which is made by justification. +For we also are called Thy righteousness; for so saith a certain +servant of Thine, That we might be made the righteousness of God in Him. +Therefore since a certain created wisdom was created before all things, +the rational and intellectual mind of that chaste city of Thine, our +mother which is above, and is free and eternal in the heavens (in +what heavens, if not in those that praise Thee, the Heaven of heavens? +Because this is also the Heaven of heavens for the Lord);--though we +find no time before it (because that which hath been created before all +things, precedeth also the creature of time), yet is the Eternity of +the Creator Himself before it, from Whom, being created, it took the +beginning, not indeed of time (for time itself was not yet), but of its +creation. + +Hence it is so of Thee, our God, as to be altogether other than Thou, +and not the Self-same: because though we find time neither before it, +nor even in it (it being meet ever to behold Thy face, nor is ever drawn +away from it, wherefore it is not varied by any change), yet is there in +it a liability to change, whence it would wax dark, and chill, but +that by a strong affection cleaving unto Thee, like perpetual noon, it +shineth and gloweth from Thee. O house most lightsome and delightsome! +I have loved thy beauty, and the place of the habitation of the glory +of my Lord, thy builder and possessor. Let my wayfaring sigh after thee, +and I say to Him that made thee, let Him take possession of me also in +thee, seeing He hath made me likewise. I have gone astray like a lost +sheep: yet upon the shoulders of my Shepherd, thy builder, hope I to be +brought back to thee. + +"What say ye to me, O ye gainsayers that I was speaking unto, who yet +believe Moses to have been the holy servant of God, and his books the +oracles of the Holy Ghost? Is not this house of God, not coeternal +indeed with God, yet after its measure, eternal in the heavens, when you +seek for changes of times in vain, because you will not find them? For +that, to which it is ever good to cleave fast to God, surpasses all +extension, and all revolving periods of time." "It is," say they. +"What then of all that which my heart loudly uttered unto my God, when +inwardly it heard the voice of His praise, what part thereof do you +affirm to be false? Is it that the matter was without form, in which +because there was no form, there was no order? But where no order was, +there could be no vicissitude of times: and yet this almost nothing, +inasmuch as it was not altogether nothing, was from Him certainly, from +Whom is whatsoever is, in what degree soever it is." "This also," say +they, "do we not deny." + +With these I now parley a little in Thy presence, O my God, who grant +all these things to be true, which Thy Truth whispers unto my soul. For +those who deny these things, let them bark and deafen themselves as much +as they please; I will essay to persuade them to quiet, and to open in +them a way for Thy word. But if they refuse, and repel me; I beseech, O +my God, be not Thou silent to me. Speak Thou truly in my heart; for +only Thou so speakest: and I will let them alone blowing upon the dust +without, and raising it up into their own eyes: and myself will enter +my chamber, and sing there a song of loves unto Thee; groaning with +groanings unutterable, in my wayfaring, and remembering Jerusalem, with +heart lifted up towards it, Jerusalem my country, Jerusalem my mother, +and Thyself that rulest over it, the Enlightener, Father, Guardian, +Husband, the pure and strong delight, and solid joy, and all good things +unspeakable, yea all at once, because the One Sovereign and true Good. +Nor will I be turned away, until Thou gather all that I am, from this +dispersed and disordered estate, into the peace of that our most dear +mother, where the first-fruits of my spirit be already (whence I am +ascertained of these things), and Thou conform and confirm it for ever, +O my God, my Mercy. But those who do not affirm all these truths to be +false, who honour Thy holy Scripture, set forth by holy Moses, placing +it, as we, on the summit of authority to be followed, and do yet +contradict me in some thing, I answer thus; By Thyself judge, O our God, +between my Confessions and these men's contradictions. + +For they say, "Though these things be true, yet did not Moses intend +those two, when, by revelation of the Spirit, he said, In the beginning +God created heaven and earth. He did not under the name of heaven, +signify that spiritual or intellectual creature which always beholds the +face of God; nor under the name of earth, that formless matter." "What +then?" "That man of God," say they, "meant as we say, this declared he +by those words." "What?" "By the name of heaven and earth would he first +signify," say they, "universally and compendiously, all this visible +world; so as afterwards by the enumeration of the several days, to +arrange in detail, and, as it were, piece by piece, all those things, +which it pleased the Holy Ghost thus to enounce. For such were that +rude and carnal people to which he spake, that he thought them fit to be +entrusted with the knowledge of such works of God only as were visible." +They agree, however, that under the words earth invisible and without +form, and that darksome deep (out of which it is subsequently shown, +that all these visible things which we all know, were made and arranged +during those "days") may, not incongruously, be understood of this +formless first matter. + +What now if another should say that "this same formlessness and +confusedness of matter, was for this reason first conveyed under the +name of heaven and earth, because out of it was this visible world with +all those natures which most manifestly appear in it, which is ofttimes +called by the name of heaven and earth, created and perfected?" What +again if another say that "invisible and visible nature is not indeed +inappropriately called heaven and earth; and so, that the universal +creation, which God made in His Wisdom, that is, in the Beginning, was +comprehended under those two words? Notwithstanding, since all things be +made not of the substance of God, but out of nothing (because they are +not the same that God is, and there is a mutable nature in them all, +whether they abide, as doth the eternal house of God, or be changed, as +the soul and body of man are): therefore the common matter of all things +visible and invisible (as yet unformed though capable of form), out of +which was to be created both heaven and earth (i.e., the invisible and +visible creature when formed), was entitled by the same names given to +the earth invisible and without form and the darkness upon the deep, but +with this distinction, that by the earth invisible and without form is +understood corporeal matter, antecedent to its being qualified by any +form; and by the darkness upon the deep, spiritual matter, before it +underwent any restraint of its unlimited fluidness, or received any +light from Wisdom?" + +It yet remains for a man to say, if he will, that "the already perfected +and formed natures, visible and invisible, are not signified under the +name of heaven and earth, when we read, In the beginning God made heaven +and earth, but that the yet unformed commencement of things, the stuff +apt to receive form and making, was called by these names, because +therein were confusedly contained, not as yet distinguished by their +qualities and forms, all those things which being now digested into +order, are called Heaven and Earth, the one being the spiritual, the +other the corporeal, creation." + +All which things being heard and well considered, I will not strive +about words: for that is profitable to nothing, but the subversion of +the hearers. But the law is good to edify, if a man use it lawfully: for +that the end of it is charity, out of a pure heart and good conscience, +and faith unfeigned. And well did our Master know, upon which two +commandments He hung all the Law and the Prophets. And what doth it +prejudice me, O my God, Thou light of my eyes in secret, zealously +confessing these things, since divers things may be understood under +these words which yet are all true,--what, I say, doth it prejudice me, +if I think otherwise than another thinketh the writer thought? All we +readers verily strive to trace out and to understand his meaning whom we +read; and seeing we believe him to speak truly, we dare not imagine +him to have said any thing, which ourselves either know or think to +be false. While every man endeavours then to understand in the Holy +Scriptures, the same as the writer understood, what hurt is it, if a man +understand what Thou, the light of all true-speaking minds, dost show +him to be true, although he whom he reads, understood not this, seeing +he also understood a Truth, though not this truth? + +For true it is, O Lord, that Thou madest heaven and earth; and it is +true too, that the Beginning is Thy Wisdom, in Which Thou createst all: +and true again, that this visible world hath for its greater part +the heaven and the earth, which briefly comprise all made and created +natures. And true too, that whatsoever is mutable, gives us to +understand a certain want of form, whereby it receiveth a form, or is +changed, or turned. It is true, that that is subject to no times, which +so cleaveth to the unchangeable Form, as though subject to change, +never to be changed. It is true, that that formlessness which is almost +nothing, cannot be subject to the alteration of times. It is true, that +that whereof a thing is made, may by a certain mode of speech, be called +by the name of the thing made of it; whence that formlessness, whereof +heaven and earth were made, might be called heaven and earth. It is +true, that of things having form, there is not any nearer to having +no form, than the earth and the deep. It is true, that not only every +created and formed thing, but whatsoever is capable of being created and +formed, Thou madest, of Whom are all things. It is true, that whatsoever +is formed out of that which had no form, was unformed before it was +formed. + +Out of these truths, of which they doubt not whose inward eye Thou hast +enabled to see such things, and who unshakenly believe Thy servant Moses +to have spoken in the Spirit of truth;--of all these then, he taketh +one, who saith, In the Beginning God made the heaven and the earth; that +is, "in His Word coeternal with Himself, God made the intelligible and +the sensible, or the spiritual and the corporeal creature." He another, +that saith, In the Beginning God made heaven and earth; that is, "in +His Word coeternal with Himself, did God make the universal bulk of this +corporeal world, together with all those apparent and known creatures, +which it containeth." He another, that saith, In the Beginning God made +heaven and earth; that is, "in His Word coeternal with Himself, did +God make the formless matter of creatures spiritual and corporeal." He +another, that saith, In the Beginning God created heaven and earth; that +is, "in His Word coeternal with Himself, did God create the formless +matter of the creature corporeal, wherein heaven and earth lay as yet +confused, which, being now distinguished and formed, we at this day see +in the bulk of this world." He another, who saith, In the Beginning God +made heaven and earth; that is, "in the very beginning of creating and +working, did God make that formless matter, confusedly containing in +itself both heaven and earth; out of which, being formed, do they now +stand out, and are apparent, with all that is in them." + +And with regard to the understanding of the words following, out of all +those truths, he chooses one to himself, who saith, But the earth was +invisible, and without form, and darkness was upon the deep; that is, +"that corporeal thing that God made, was as yet a formless matter of +corporeal things, without order, without light." Another he who says, +The earth was invisible and without form, and darkness was upon the +deep; that is, "this all, which is called heaven and earth, was still +a formless and darksome matter, of which the corporeal heaven and the +corporeal earth were to be made, with all things in them, which are +known to our corporeal senses." Another he who says, The earth was +invisible and without form, and darkness was upon the deep; that is, +"this all, which is called heaven and earth, was still a formless and +a darksome matter; out of which was to be made, both that intelligible +heaven, otherwhere called the Heaven of heavens, and the earth, that is, +the whole corporeal nature, under which name is comprised this corporeal +heaven also; in a word, out of which every visible and invisible +creature was to be created." Another he who says, The earth was +invisible and without form, and darkness was upon the deep, "the +Scripture did not call that formlessness by the name of heaven and +earth; but that formlessness, saith he, already was, which he called the +earth invisible without form, and darkness upon the deep; of which +he had before said, that God had made heaven and earth, namely, the +spiritual and corporeal creature." Another he who says, The earth was +invisible and without form, and darkness was upon the deep; that is, +"there already was a certain formless matter, of which the Scripture +said before, that God made heaven and earth; namely, the whole corporeal +bulk of the world, divided into two great parts, upper and lower, with +all the common and known creatures in them." + +For should any attempt to dispute against these two last opinions, thus, +"If you will not allow, that this formlessness of matter seems to be +called by the name of heaven and earth; Ergo, there was something which +God had not made, out of which to make heaven and earth; for neither +hath Scripture told us, that God made this matter, unless we understand +it to be signified by the name of heaven and earth, or of earth alone, +when it is said, In the Beginning God made the heaven and earth; that so +in what follows, and the earth was invisible and without form (although +it pleased Him so to call the formless matter), we are to understand +no other matter, but that which God made, whereof is written above, God +made heaven and earth." The maintainers of either of those two latter +opinions will, upon hearing this, return for answer, "we do not deny +this formless matter to be indeed created by God, that God of Whom are +all things, very good; for as we affirm that to be a greater good, which +is created and formed, so we confess that to be a lesser good which is +made capable of creation and form, yet still good. We say however that +Scripture hath not set down, that God made this formlessness, as also it +hath not many others; as the Cherubim, and Seraphim, and those which +the Apostle distinctly speaks of, Thrones, Dominions, Principalities, +Powers. All which that God made, is most apparent. Or if in that which +is said, He made heaven and earth, all things be comprehended, what +shall we say of the waters, upon which the Spirit of God moved? For if +they be comprised in this word earth; how then can formless matter be +meant in that name of earth, when we see the waters so beautiful? Or +if it be so taken; why then is it written, that out of the same +formlessness, the firmament was made, and called heaven; and that the +waters were made, is not written? For the waters remain not formless and +invisible, seeing we behold them flowing in so comely a manner. But if +they then received that beauty, when God said, Let the waters under the +firmament be gathered together, that so the gathering together be itself +the forming of them; what will be said as to those waters above the +firmament? Seeing neither if formless would they have been worthy of so +honourable a seat, nor is it written, by what word they were formed. If +then Genesis is silent as to God's making of any thing, which yet +that God did make neither sound faith nor well-grounded understanding +doubteth, nor again will any sober teaching dare to affirm these +waters to be coeternal with God, on the ground that we find them to be +mentioned in the hook of Genesis, but when they were created, we do +not find; why (seeing truth teaches us) should we not understand that +formless matter (which this Scripture calls the earth invisible and +without form, and darksome deep) to have been created of God out of +nothing, and therefore not to be coeternal to Him; notwithstanding this +history hath omitted to show when it was created?" + +These things then being heard and perceived, according to the weakness +of my capacity (which I confess unto Thee, O Lord, that knowest it), two +sorts of disagreements I see may arise, when a thing is in words related +by true reporters; one, concerning the truth of the things, the other, +concerning the meaning of the relater. For we enquire one way about +the making of the creature, what is true; another way, what Moses, +that excellent minister of Thy Faith, would have his reader and hearer +understand by those words. For the first sort, away with all those +who imagine themselves to know as a truth, what is false; and for this +other, away with all them too, which imagine Moses to have written +things that be false. But let me be united in Thee, O Lord, with those +and delight myself in Thee, with them that feed on Thy truth, in the +largeness of charity, and let us approach together unto the words of +Thy book, and seek in them for Thy meaning, through the meaning of Thy +servant, by whose pen Thou hast dispensed them. + +But which of us shall, among those so many truths, which occur to +enquirers in those words, as they are differently understood, so +discover that one meaning, as to affirm, "this Moses thought," and "this +would he have understood in that history"; with the same confidence +as he would, "this is true," whether Moses thought this or that? For +behold, O my God, I Thy servant, who have in this book vowed a sacrifice +of confession unto Thee, and pray, that by Thy mercy I may pay my vows +unto Thee, can I, with the same confidence wherewith I affirm, that in +Thy incommutable world Thou createdst all things visible and invisible, +affirm also, that Moses meant no other than this, when he wrote, In the +Beginning God made heaven and earth? No. Because I see not in his mind, +that he thought of this when he wrote these things, as I do see it +in Thy truth to be certain. For he might have his thoughts upon God's +commencement of creating, when he said In the beginning; and by heaven +and earth, in this place he might intend no formed and perfected nature +whether spiritual or corporeal, but both of them inchoate and as yet +formless. For I perceive, that whichsoever of the two had been said, it +might have been truly said; but which of the two he thought of in these +words, I do not so perceive. Although, whether it were either of these, +or any sense beside (that I have not here mentioned), which this so +great man saw in his mind, when he uttered these words, I doubt not but +that he saw it truly, and expressed it aptly. + +Let no man harass me then, by saying, Moses thought not as you say, but +as I say: for if he should ask me, "How know you that Moses thought that +which you infer out of his words?" I ought to take it in good part, and +would answer perchance as I have above, or something more at large, if +he were unyielding. But when he saith, "Moses meant not what you say, +but what I say," yet denieth not that what each of us say, may both be +true, O my God, life of the poor, in Whose bosom is no contradiction, +pour down a softening dew into my heart, that I may patiently bear with +such as say this to me, not because they have a divine Spirit, and have +seen in the heart of Thy servant what they speak, but because they be +proud; not knowing Moses' opinion, but loving their own, not because it +is truth, but because it is theirs. Otherwise they would equally love +another true opinion, as I love what they say, when they say true: not +because it is theirs, but because it is true; and on that very ground +not theirs because it is true. But if they therefore love it, because +it is true, then is it both theirs, and mine; as being in common to all +lovers of truth. But whereas they contend that Moses did not mean what +I say, but what they say, this I like not, love not: for though it +were so, yet that their rashness belongs not to knowledge, but to +overboldness, and not insight but vanity was its parent. And therefore, +O Lord, are Thy judgements terrible; seeing Thy truth is neither mine, +nor his, nor another's; but belonging to us all, whom Thou callest +publicly to partake of it, warning us terribly, not to account +it private to ourselves, lest we be deprived of it. For whosoever +challenges that as proper to himself, which Thou propoundest to all to +enjoy, and would have that his own which belongs to all, is driven from +what is in common to his own; that is, from truth, to a lie. For he that +speaketh a lie, speaketh it of his own. + +Hearken, O God, Thou best judge; Truth Itself, hearken to what I shall +say to this gainsayer, hearken, for before Thee do I speak, and before +my brethren, who employ Thy law lawfully, to the end of charity: +hearken and behold, if it please Thee, what I shall say to him. For this +brotherly and peaceful word do I return unto Him: "If we both see that +to be true that Thou sayest, and both see that to be true that I say, +where, I pray Thee, do we see it? Neither I in thee, nor thou in me; but +both in the unchangeable Truth itself, which is above our souls." Seeing +then we strive not about the very light of the Lord God, why strive +we about the thoughts of our neighbour which we cannot so see, as the +unchangeable Truth is seen: for that, if Moses himself had appeared to +us and said, "This I meant"; neither so should we see it, but should +believe it. Let us not then be puffed up for one against another, above +that which is written: let us love the Lord our God with all our heart, +with all our soul, and with all our mind: and our neighbour as ourself. +With a view to which two precepts of charity, unless we believe that +Moses meant, whatsoever in those books he did mean, we shall make God +a liar, imagining otherwise of our fellow servant's mind, than he hath +taught us. Behold now, how foolish it is, in such abundance of most +true meanings, as may be extracted out of those words, rashly to affirm, +which of them Moses principally meant; and with pernicious contentions +to offend charity itself, for whose sake he spake every thing, whose +words we go about to expound. + +And yet I, O my God, Thou lifter up of my humility, and rest of my +labour, Who hearest my confessions, and forgivest my sins: seeing Thou +commandest me to love my neighbour as myself, I cannot believe that Thou +gavest a less gift unto Moses Thy faithful servant, than I would wish +or desire Thee to have given me, had I been born in the time he was, and +hadst Thou set me in that office, that by the service of my heart and +tongue those books might be dispensed, which for so long after were to +profit all nations, and through the whole world from such an eminence of +authority, were to surmount all sayings of false and proud teachings. I +should have desired verily, had I then been Moses (for we all come from +the same lump, and what is man, saving that Thou art mindful of him?), +I would then, had I been then what he was, and been enjoined by Thee to +write the book of Genesis, have desired such a power of expression and +such a style to be given me, that neither they who cannot yet understand +how God created, might reject the sayings, as beyond their capacity; and +they who had attained thereto, might find what true opinion soever they +had by thought arrived at, not passed over in those few words of +that Thy servant: and should another man by the light of truth have +discovered another, neither should that fail of being discoverable in +those same words. + +For as a fountain within a narrow compass, is more plentiful, and +supplies a tide for more streams over larger spaces, than any one of +those streams, which, after a wide interval, is derived from the same +fountain; so the relation of that dispenser of Thine, which was to +benefit many who were to discourse thereon, does out of a narrow +scantling of language, overflow into streams of clearest truth, whence +every man may draw out for himself such truth as he can upon these +subjects, one, one truth, another, another, by larger circumlocutions of +discourse. For some, when they read, or hear these words, conceive that +God like a man or some mass endued with unbounded power, by some new +and sudden resolution, did, exterior to itself, as it were at a certain +distance, create heaven and earth, two great bodies above and below, +wherein all things were to be contained. And when they hear, God said, +Let it be made, and it was made; they conceive of words begun and ended, +sounding in time, and passing away; after whose departure, that came +into being, which was commanded so to do; and whatever of the like sort, +men's acquaintance with the material world would suggest. In whom, being +yet little ones and carnal, while their weakness is by this humble +kind of speech, carried on, as in a mother's bosom, their faith is +wholesomely built up, whereby they hold assured, that God made all +natures, which in admirable variety their eye beholdeth around. Which +words, if any despising, as too simple, with a proud weakness, shall +stretch himself beyond the guardian nest; he will, alas, fall miserably. +Have pity, O Lord God, lest they who go by the way trample on the +unfledged bird, and send Thine angel to replace it into the nest, that +it may live, till it can fly. + +But others, unto whom these words are no longer a nest, but deep shady +fruit-bowers, see the fruits concealed therein, fly joyously around, +and with cheerful notes seek out, and pluck them. For reading or hearing +these words, they see that all times past and to come, are surpassed by +Thy eternal and stable abiding; and yet that there is no creature formed +in time, not of Thy making. Whose will, because it is the same that Thou +art, Thou madest all things, not by any change of will, nor by a will, +which before was not, and that these things were not out of Thyself, in +Thine own likeness, which is the form of all things; but out of nothing, +a formless unlikeness, which should be formed by Thy likeness (recurring +to Thy Unity, according to their appointed capacity, so far as is given +to each thing in his kind), and might all be made very good; whether +they abide around Thee, or being in gradation removed in time and place, +made or undergo the beautiful variations of the Universe. These things +they see, and rejoice, in the little degree they here may, in the light +of Thy truth. + +Another bends his mind on that which is said, In the Beginning God made +heaven and earth; and beholdeth therein Wisdom, the Beginning because +It also speaketh unto us. Another likewise bends his mind on the same +words, and by Beginning understands the commencement of things created; +In the beginning He made, as if it were said, He at first made. And +among them that understand In the Beginning to mean, "In Thy Wisdom Thou +createdst heaven and earth," one believes the matter out of which the +heaven and earth were to be created, to be there called heaven and +earth; another, natures already formed and distinguished; another, one +formed nature, and that a spiritual, under the name Heaven, the other +formless, a corporeal matter, under the name Earth. They again who by +the names heaven and earth, understand matter as yet formless, out of +which heaven and earth were to be formed, neither do they understand it +in one way; but the one, that matter out of which both the intelligible +and the sensible creature were to be perfected; another, that only, out +of which this sensible corporeal mass was to be made, containing in +its vast bosom these visible and ordinary natures. Neither do they, who +believe the creatures already ordered and arranged, to be in this place +called heaven and earth, understand the same; but the one, both the +invisible and visible, the other, the visible only, in which we behold +this lightsome heaven, and darksome earth, with the things in them +contained. + +But he that no otherwise understands In the Beginning He made, than if +it were said, At first He made, can only truly understand heaven and +earth of the matter of heaven and earth, that is, of the universal +intelligible and corporeal creation. For if he would understand thereby +the universe, as already formed, it may be rightly demanded of him, "If +God made this first, what made He afterwards?" and after the universe, +he will find nothing; whereupon must he against his will hear another +question; "How did God make this first, if nothing after?" But when +he says, God made matter first formless, then formed, there is no +absurdity, if he be but qualified to discern, what precedes by eternity, +what by time, what by choice, and what in original. By eternity, as +God is before all things; by time, as the flower before the fruit; by +choice, as the fruit before the flower; by original, as the sound before +the tune. Of these four, the first and last mentioned, are with extreme +difficulty understood, the two middle, easily. For a rare and too lofty +a vision is it, to behold Thy Eternity, O Lord, unchangeably making +things changeable; and thereby before them. And who, again, is of +so sharp-sighted understanding, as to be able without great pains to +discern, how the sound is therefore before the tune; because a tune is +a formed sound; and a thing not formed, may exist; whereas that which +existeth not, cannot be formed. Thus is the matter before the thing +made; not because it maketh it, seeing itself is rather made; nor is it +before by interval of time; for we do not first in time utter formless +sounds without singing, and subsequently adapt or fashion them into +the form of a chant, as wood or silver, whereof a chest or vessel is +fashioned. For such materials do by time also precede the forms of the +things made of them, but in singing it is not so; for when it is sung, +its sound is heard; for there is not first a formless sound, which is +afterwards formed into a chant. For each sound, so soon as made, passeth +away, nor canst thou find ought to recall and by art to compose. So +then the chant is concentrated in its sound, which sound of his is his +matter. And this indeed is formed, that it may be a tune; and therefore +(as I said) the matter of the sound is before the form of the tune; not +before, through any power it hath to make it a tune; for a sound is no +way the workmaster of the tune; but is something corporeal, subjected to +the soul which singeth, whereof to make a tune. Nor is it first in time; +for it is given forth together with the tune; nor first in choice, for +a sound is not better than a tune, a tune being not only a sound, but +a beautiful sound. But it is first in original, because a tune receives +not form to become a sound, but a sound receives a form to become a +tune. By this example, let him that is able, understand how the matter +of things was first made, and called heaven and earth, because heaven +and earth were made out of it. Yet was it not made first in time; +because the forms of things give rise to time; but that was without +form, but now is, in time, an object of sense together with its form. +And yet nothing can be related of that matter, but as though prior in +time, whereas in value it is last (because things formed are superior +to things without form) and is preceded by the Eternity of the Creator: +that so there might be out of nothing, whereof somewhat might be +created. + +In this diversity of the true opinions, let Truth herself produce +concord. And our God have mercy upon us, that we may use the law +lawfully, the end of the commandment, pure charity. By this if man +demands of me, "which of these was the meaning of Thy servant Moses"; +this were not the language of my Confessions, should I not confess unto +Thee, "I know not"; and yet I know that those senses are true, those +carnal ones excepted, of which I have spoken what seemed necessary. And +even those hopeful little ones who so think, have this benefit, that the +words of Thy Book affright them not, delivering high things lowlily, +and with few words a copious meaning. And all we who, I confess, see and +express the truth delivered in those words, let us love one another, and +jointly love Thee our God, the fountain of truth, if we are athirst for +it, and not for vanities; yea, let us so honour this Thy servant, the +dispenser of this Scripture, full of Thy Spirit, as to believe that, +when by Thy revelation he wrote these things, he intended that, which +among them chiefly excels both for light of truth, and fruitfulness of +profit. + +So when one says, "Moses meant as I do"; and another, "Nay, but as I +do," I suppose that I speak more reverently, "Why not rather as both, +if both be true?" And if there be a third, or a fourth, yea if any other +seeth any other truth in those words, why may not he be believed to +have seen all these, through whom the One God hath tempered the holy +Scriptures to the senses of many, who should see therein things true but +divers? For I certainly (and fearlessly I speak it from my heart), that +were I to indite any thing to have supreme authority, I should prefer +so to write, that whatever truth any could apprehend on those matters, +might be conveyed in my words, rather than set down my own meaning so +clearly as to exclude the rest, which not being false, could not offend +me. I will not therefore, O my God, be so rash, as not to believe, that +Thou vouchsafedst as much to that great man. He without doubt, when he +wrote those words, perceived and thought on what truth soever we have +been able to find, yea and whatsoever we have not been able, nor yet +are, but which may be found in them. + +Lastly, O Lord, who art God and not flesh and blood, if man did see +less, could any thing be concealed from Thy good Spirit (who shall lead +me into the land of uprightness), which Thou Thyself by those words wert +about to reveal to readers in times to come, though he through whom +they were spoken, perhaps among many true meanings, thought on some one? +which if so it be, let that which he thought on be of all the highest. +But to us, O Lord, do Thou, either reveal that same, or any other true +one which Thou pleasest; that so, whether Thou discoverest the same to +us, as to that Thy servant, or some other by occasion of those words, +yet Thou mayest feed us, not error deceive us. Behold, O Lord my God, +how much we have written upon a few words, how much I beseech Thee! What +strength of ours, yea what ages would suffice for all Thy books in this +manner? Permit me then in these more briefly to confess unto Thee, and +to choose some one true, certain, and good sense that Thou shalt inspire +me, although many should occur, where many may occur; this being the law +my confession, that if I should say that which Thy minister intended, +that is right and best; for this should I endeavour, which if I should +not attain, yet I should say that, which Thy Truth willed by his words +to tell me, which revealed also unto him, what It willed. + + + + +BOOK XIII + + +I call upon Thee, O my God, my mercy, Who createdst me, and forgottest +not me, forgetting Thee. I call Thee into my soul which, by the longing +Thyself inspirest into her, Thou preparest for Thee. Forsake me not now +calling upon Thee, whom Thou preventedst before I called, and urgedst me +with much variety of repeated calls, that I would hear Thee from afar, +and be converted, and call upon Thee, that calledst after me; for Thou, +Lord, blottedst out all my evil deservings, so as not to repay into my +hands, wherewith I fell from Thee; and Thou hast prevented all my well +deservings, so as to repay the work of Thy hands wherewith Thou madest +me; because before I was, Thou wert; nor was I any thing, to which +Thou mightest grant to be; and yet behold, I am, out of Thy goodness, +preventing all this which Thou hast made me, and whereof Thou hast made +me. For neither hadst Thou need of me, nor am I any such good, as to be +helpful unto Thee, my Lord and God; not in serving Thee, as though Thou +wouldest tire in working; or lest Thy power might be less, if lacking +my service: nor cultivating Thy service, as a land, that must remain +uncultivated, unless I cultivated Thee: but serving and worshipping +Thee, that I might receive a well-being from Thee, from whom it comes, +that I have a being capable of well-being. + +For of the fulness of Thy goodness, doth Thy creature subsist, that so +a good, which could no ways profit Thee, nor was of Thee (lest so it +should be equal to Thee), might yet be since it could be made of Thee. +For what did heaven and earth, which Thou madest in the Beginning, +deserve of Thee? Let those spiritual and corporeal natures which Thou +madest in Thy Wisdom, say wherein they deserved of Thee, to depend +thereon (even in that their several inchoate and formless state, whether +spiritual or corporeal, ready to fall away into an immoderate liberty +and far-distant unlikeliness unto Thee;--the spiritual, though without +form, superior to the corporeal though formed, and the corporeal though +without form, better than were it altogether nothing), and so to depend +upon Thy Word, as formless, unless by the same Word they were brought +back to Thy Unity, indued with form and from Thee the One Sovereign +Good were made all very good. How did they deserve of Thee, to be even +without form, since they had not been even this, but from Thee? + +How did corporeal matter deserve of Thee, to be even invisible and +without form? seeing it were not even this, but that Thou madest it, and +therefore because it was not, could not deserve of Thee to be made. Or +how could the inchoate spiritual creature deserve of Thee, even to ebb +and flow darksomely like the deep,--unlike Thee, unless it had been +by the same Word turned to that, by Whom it was created, and by Him so +enlightened, become light; though not equally, yet conformably to that +Form which is equal unto Thee? For as in a body, to be, is not one with +being beautiful, else could it not be deformed; so likewise to a created +spirit to live, is not one with living wisely; else should it be wise +unchangeably. But good it is for it always to hold fast to Thee; lest +what light it hath obtained by turning to Thee, it lose by turning +from Thee, and relapse into life resembling the darksome deep. For we +ourselves also, who as to the soul are a spiritual creature, turned away +from Thee our light, were in that life sometimes darkness; and still +labour amidst the relics of our darkness, until in Thy Only One we +become Thy righteousness, like the mountains of God. For we have been +Thy judgments, which are like the great deep. + +That which Thou saidst in the beginning of the creation, Let there be +light, and there was light; I do, not unsuitably, understand of the +spiritual creature: because there was already a sort of life, which Thou +mightest illuminate. But as it had no claim on Thee for a life, which +could be enlightened, so neither now that it was, had it any, to be +enlightened. For neither could its formless estate be pleasing unto +Thee, unless it became light, and that not by existing simply, but by +beholding the illuminating light, and cleaving to it; so that, that it +lived, and lived happily, it owes to nothing but Thy grace, being turned +by a better change unto That which cannot be changed into worse or +better; which Thou alone art, because Thou alone simply art; unto +Thee it being not one thing to live, another to live blessedly, seeing +Thyself art Thine own Blessedness. + +What then could be wanting unto Thy good, which Thou Thyself art, +although these things had either never been, or remained without form; +which thou madest, not out of any want, but out of the fulness of Thy +goodness, restraining them and converting them to form, not as though +Thy joy were fulfilled by them? For to Thee being perfect, is their +imperfection displeasing, and hence were they perfected by Thee, and +please Thee; not as wert Thou imperfect, and by their perfecting wert +also to be perfected. For Thy good Spirit indeed was borne over the +waters, not borne up by them, as if He rested upon them. For those, on +whom Thy good Spirit is said to rest, He causes to rest in Himself. But +Thy incorruptible and unchangeable will, in itself all-sufficient for +itself, was borne upon that life which Thou hadst created; to which, +living is not one with happy living, seeing it liveth also, ebbing and +flowing in its own darkness: for which it remaineth to be converted unto +Him, by Whom it was made, and to live more and more by the fountain +of life, and in His light to see light, and to be perfected, and +enlightened, and beautified. + +Lo, now the Trinity appears unto me in a glass darkly, which is Thou my +God, because Thou, O Father, in Him Who is the Beginning of our wisdom, +Which is Thy Wisdom, born of Thyself, equal unto Thee and coeternal, +that is, in Thy Son, createdst heaven and earth. Much now have we said +of the Heaven of heavens, and of the earth invisible and without form, +and of the darksome deep, in reference to the wandering instability of +its spiritual deformity, unless it had been converted unto Him, from +Whom it had its then degree of life, and by His enlightening became a +beauteous life, and the heaven of that heaven, which was afterwards +set between water and water. And under the name of God, I now held the +Father, who made these things, and under the name of Beginning, the Son, +in whom He made these things; and believing, as I did, my God as the +Trinity, I searched further in His holy words, and lo, Thy Spirit moved +upon the waters. Behold the Trinity, my God, Father, and Son, and Holy +Ghost, Creator of all creation. + +But what was the cause, O true-speaking Light?--unto Thee lift I up my +heart, let it not teach me vanities, dispel its darkness; and tell me, I +beseech Thee, by our mother charity, tell me the reason, I beseech Thee, +why after the mention of heaven, and of the earth invisible and without +form, and darkness upon the deep, Thy Scripture should then at length +mention Thy Spirit? Was it because it was meet that the knowledge of Him +should be conveyed, as being "borne above"; and this could not be +said, unless that were first mentioned, over which Thy Spirit may +be understood to have been borne. For neither was He borne above the +Father, nor the Son, nor could He rightly be said to be borne above, if +He were borne over nothing. First then was that to be spoken of, over +which He might be borne; and then He, whom it was meet not otherwise to +be spoken of than as being borne. But wherefore was it not meet that +the knowledge of Him should be conveyed otherwise, than as being borne +above? + +Hence let him that is able, follow with his understanding Thy Apostle, +where he thus speaks, Because Thy love is shed abroad in our hearts by +the Holy Ghost which is given unto us: and where concerning spiritual +gifts, he teacheth and showeth unto us a more excellent way of charity; +and where he bows his knee unto Thee for us, that we may know the +supereminent knowledge of the love of Christ. And therefore from the +beginning, was He borne supereminent above the waters. To whom shall I +speak this? how speak of the weight of evil desires, downwards to the +steep abyss; and how charity raises up again by Thy Spirit which was +borne above the waters? to whom shall I speak it? how speak it? For it +is not in space that we are merged and emerge. What can be more, and yet +what less like? They be affections, they be loves; the uncleanness +of our spirit flowing away downwards with the love of cares, and the +holiness of Thine raising us upward by love of unanxious repose; that +we may lift our hearts unto Thee, where Thy Spirit is borne above the +waters; and come to that supereminent repose, when our soul shall have +passed through the waters which yield no support. + +Angels fell away, man's soul fell away, and thereby pointed the abyss in +that dark depth, ready for the whole spiritual creation, hadst not Thou +said from the beginning, Let there be light, and there had been light, +and every obedient intelligence of Thy heavenly City had cleaved to +Thee, and rested in Thy Spirit, Which is borne unchangeably over every +thing changeable. Otherwise, had even the heaven of heavens been in +itself a darksome deep; but now it is light in the Lord. For even in +that miserable restlessness of the spirits, who fell away and discovered +their own darkness, when bared of the clothing of Thy light, dost Thou +sufficiently reveal how noble Thou madest the reasonable creature; to +which nothing will suffice to yield a happy rest, less than Thee; and so +not even herself. For Thou, O our God, shalt lighten our darkness: from +Thee riseth our garment of light; and then shall our darkness be as +the noon day. Give Thyself unto me, O my God, restore Thyself unto me: +behold I love, and if it be too little, I would love more strongly. I +cannot measure so as to know, how much love there yet lacketh to me, ere +my life may run into Thy embracements, nor turn away, until it be hidden +in the hidden place of Thy Presence. This only I know, that woe is +me except in Thee: not only without but within myself also; and all +abundance, which is not my God, is emptiness to me. + +But was not either the Father, or the Son, borne above the waters? if +this means, in space, like a body, then neither was the Holy Spirit; +but if the unchangeable supereminence of Divinity above all things +changeable, then were both Father, and Son, and Holy Ghost borne upon +the waters. Why then is this said of Thy Spirit only, why is it said +only of Him? As if He had been in place, Who is not in place, of Whom +only it is written, that He is Thy gift? In Thy Gift we rest; there we +enjoy Thee. Our rest is our place. Love lifts us up thither, and Thy +good Spirit lifts up our lowliness from the gates of death. In Thy good +pleasure is our peace. The body by its own weight strives towards its +own place. Weight makes not downward only, but to his own place. Fire +tends upward, a stone downward. They are urged by their own weight, +they seek their own places. Oil poured below water, is raised above the +water; water poured upon oil, sinks below the oil. They are urged by +their own weights to seek their own places. When out of their order, +they are restless; restored to order, they are at rest. My weight, is my +love; thereby am I borne, whithersoever I am borne. We are inflamed, by +Thy Gift we are kindled; and are carried upwards; we glow inwardly, and +go forwards. We ascend Thy ways that be in our heart, and sing a song of +degrees; we glow inwardly with Thy fire, with Thy good fire, and we go; +because we go upwards to the peace of Jerusalem: for gladdened was I in +those who said unto me, We will go up to the house of the Lord. There +hath Thy good pleasure placed us, that we may desire nothing else, but +to abide there for ever. + +Blessed creature, which being itself other than Thou, has known no +other condition, than that, so soon as it was made, it was, without +any interval, by Thy Gift, Which is borne above every thing changeable, +borne aloft by that calling whereby Thou saidst, Let there be light, and +there was light. Whereas in us this took place at different times, in +that we were darkness, and are made light: but of that is only said, +what it would have been, had it not been enlightened. And, this is so +spoken, as if it had been unsettled and darksome before; that so the +cause whereby it was made otherwise, might appear, namely, that being +turned to the Light unfailing it became light. Whoso can, let him +understand this; let him ask of Thee. Why should he trouble me, as if I +could enlighten any man that cometh into this world? + +Which of us comprehendeth the Almighty Trinity? and yet which speaks not +of It, if indeed it be It? Rare is the soul, which while it speaks of +It, knows what it speaks of. And they contend and strive, yet, without +peace, no man sees that vision. I would that men would consider these +three, that are in themselves. These three be indeed far other than the +Trinity: I do but tell, where they may practise themselves, and there +prove and feel how far they be. Now the three I spake of are, To Be, +to Know, and to Will. For I Am, and Know, and Will: I Am Knowing and +Willing: and I Know myself to Be, and to Will: and I Will to Be, and to +Know. In these three then, let him discern that can, how inseparable +a life there is, yea one life, mind, and one essence, yea lastly how +inseparable a distinction there is, and yet a distinction. Surely a man +hath it before him; let him look into himself, and see, and tell me. But +when he discovers and can say any thing of these, let him not therefore +think that he has found that which is above these Unchangeable, which +Is unchangeably, and Knows unchangeably, and Wills unchangeably; and +whether because of these three, there is in God also a Trinity, or +whether all three be in Each, so that the three belong to Each; or +whether both ways at once, wondrously, simply and yet manifoldly, Itself +a bound unto Itself within Itself, yet unbounded; whereby It is, and is +Known unto Itself and sufficeth to itself, unchangeably the Self-same, +by the abundant greatness of its Unity,--who can readily conceive this? +who could any ways express it? who would, any way, pronounce thereon +rashly? + +Proceed in thy confession, say to the Lord thy God, O my faith, Holy, +Holy, Holy, O Lord my God, in Thy Name have we been baptised, Father, +Son, and Holy Ghost; in Thy Name do we baptise, Father, Son, and Holy +Ghost, because among us also, in His Christ did God make heaven and +earth, namely, the spiritual and carnal people of His Church. Yea and +our earth, before it received the form of doctrine, was invisible and +without form; and we were covered with the darkness of ignorance. For +Thou chastenedst man for iniquity, and Thy judgments were like the great +deep unto him. But because Thy Spirit was borne above the waters, Thy +mercy forsook not our misery, and Thou saidst, Let there be light, +Repent ye, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand. Repent ye, let there be +light. And because our soul was troubled within us, we remembered Thee, +O Lord, from the land of Jordan, and that mountain equal unto Thyself, +but little for our sakes: and our darkness displeased us, we turned unto +Thee and there was light. And, behold, we were sometimes darkness, but +now light in the Lord. + +But as yet by faith and not by sight, for by hope we are saved; but hope +that is seen, is not hope. As yet doth deep call unto deep, but now in +the voice of Thy water-spouts. As yet doth he that saith, I could not +speak unto you as unto spiritual, but as unto carnal, even he as yet, +doth not think himself to have apprehended, and forgetteth those things +which are behind, and reacheth forth to those which are before, and +groaneth being burthened, and his soul thirsteth after the Living +God, as the hart after the water-brooks, and saith, When shall I come? +desiring to be clothed upon with his house which is from heaven, and +calleth upon this lower deep, saying, Be not conformed to this world, +but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind. And, be not children +in understanding, but in malice, be ye children, that in understanding +ye may be perfect; and O foolish Galatians, who hath bewitched you? But +now no longer in his own voice; but in Thine who sentest Thy Spirit from +above; through Him who ascended up on high, and set open the flood-gates +of His gifts, that the force of His streams might make glad the city of +God. Him doth this friend of the Bridegroom sigh after, having now the +first-fruits of the Spirit laid up with Him, yet still groaning within +himself, waiting for the adoption, to wit, the redemption of his body; +to Him he sighs, a member of the Bride; for Him he is jealous, as being +a friend of the Bridegroom; for Him he is jealous, not for himself; +because in the voice of Thy water-spouts, not in his own voice, doth he +call to that other depth, over whom being jealous he feareth, lest as +the serpent beguiled Eve through his subtilty, so their minds should be +corrupted from the purity that is in our Bridegroom Thy only Son. O +what a light of beauty will that be, when we shall see Him as He is, +and those tears be passed away, which have been my meat day and night, +whilst they daily say unto me, Where is now Thy God? + +Behold, I too say, O my God, Where art Thou? see, where Thou art! in +Thee I breathe a little, when I pour out my soul by myself in the voice +of joy and praise, the sound of him that keeps holy-day. And yet again +it is sad, because it relapseth, and becomes a deep, or rather perceives +itself still to be a deep. Unto it speaks my faith which Thou hast +kindled to enlighten my feet in the night, Why art thou sad, O my soul, +and why dost thou trouble me? Hope in the Lord; His word is a lanthorn +unto thy feet: hope and endure, until the night, the mother of the +wicked, until the wrath of the Lord, be overpast, whereof we also were +once children, who were sometimes darkness, relics whereof we bear +about us in our body, dead because of sin; until the day break, and the +shadows fly away. Hope thou in the Lord; in the morning I shall stand in +Thy presence, and contemplate Thee: I shall for ever confess unto Thee. +In the morning I shall stand in Thy presence, and shall see the health +of my countenance, my God, who also shall quicken our mortal bodies, by +the Spirit that dwelleth in us, because He hath in mercy been borne +over our inner darksome and floating deep: from Whom we have in this +pilgrimage received an earnest, that we should now be light: whilst we +are saved by hope, and are the children of light, and the children of +the day, not the children of the night, nor of the darkness, which yet +sometimes we were. Betwixt whom and us, in this uncertainty of human +knowledge, Thou only dividest; Thou, who provest our hearts, and callest +the light, day, and the darkness, night. For who discerneth us, but +Thou? And what have we, that we have not received of Thee? out of the +same lump vessels are made unto honour, whereof others also are made +unto dishonour. + +Or who, except Thou, our God, made for us that firmament of authority +over us in Thy Divine Scripture? as it is said, For heaven shall be +folded up like a scroll; and now is it stretched over us like a skin. +For Thy Divine Scripture is of more eminent authority, since those +mortals by whom Thou dispensest it unto us, underwent mortality. And +Thou knowest, Lord, Thou knowest, how Thou with skins didst clothe men, +when they by sin became mortal. Whence Thou hast like a skin stretched +out the firmament of Thy book, that is, Thy harmonizing words, which +by the ministry of mortal men Thou spreadest over us. For by their very +death was that solid firmament of authority, in Thy discourses set forth +by them, more eminently extended over all that be under it; which whilst +they lived here, was not so eminently extended. Thou hadst not as yet +spread abroad the heaven like a skin; Thou hadst not as yet enlarged in +all directions the glory of their deaths. + +Let us look, O Lord, upon the heavens, the work of Thy fingers; clear +from our eyes that cloud, which Thou hast spread under them. There is +Thy testimony, which giveth wisdom unto the little ones: perfect, O my +God, Thy praise out of the mouth of babes and sucklings. For we know no +other books, which so destroy pride, which so destroy the enemy and the +defender, who resisteth Thy reconciliation by defending his own sins. I +know not, Lord, I know not any other such pure words, which so persuade +me to confess, and make my neck pliant to Thy yoke, and invite me to +serve Thee for nought. Let me understand them, good Father: grant this +to me, who am placed under them: because for those placed under them, +hast Thou established them. + +Other waters there be above this firmament, I believe immortal, and +separated from earthly corruption. Let them praise Thy Name, let them +praise Thee, the supercelestial people, Thine angels, who have no need +to gaze up at this firmament, or by reading to know of Thy Word. For +they always behold Thy face, and there read without any syllables in +time, what willeth Thy eternal will; they read, they choose, they love. +They are ever reading; and that never passes away which they read; for +by choosing, and by loving, they read the very unchangeableness of Thy +counsel. Their book is never closed, nor their scroll folded up; seeing +Thou Thyself art this to them, and art eternally; because Thou hast +ordained them above this firmament, which Thou hast firmly settled over +the infirmity of the lower people, where they might gaze up and learn +Thy mercy, announcing in time Thee Who madest times. For Thy mercy, O +Lord, is in the heavens, and Thy truth reacheth unto the clouds. The +clouds pass away, but the heaven abideth. The preachers of Thy word pass +out of this life into another; but Thy Scripture is spread abroad over +the people, even unto the end of the world. Yet heaven and earth also +shall pass away, but Thy words shall not pass away. Because the scroll +shall be rolled together: and the grass over which it was spread, shall +with the goodliness of it pass away; but Thy Word remaineth for ever, +which now appeareth unto us under the dark image of the clouds, and +through the glass of the heavens, not as it is: because we also, though +the well-beloved of Thy Son, yet it hath not yet appeared what we +shall be. He looketh through the lattice of our flesh, and He spake us +tenderly, and kindled us, and we ran after His odours. But when He shall +appear, then shall we be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is. As He +is, Lord, will our sight be. + +For altogether, as Thou art, Thou only knowest; Who art unchangeably, +and knowest unchangeably, and willest unchangeably. And Thy Essence +Knoweth, and Willeth unchangeably; and Thy Knowledge Is, and Willeth +unchangeably; and Thy Will Is, and Knoweth unchangeably. Nor seemeth it +right in Thine eyes, that as the Unchangeable Light knoweth Itself, so +should it be known by the thing enlightened, and changeable. Therefore +is my soul like a land where no water is, because as it cannot of itself +enlighten itself, so can it not of itself satisfy itself. For so is the +fountain of life with Thee, like as in Thy light we shall see light. + +Who gathered the embittered together into one society? For they have all +one end, a temporal and earthly felicity, for attaining whereof they do +all things, though they waver up and down with an innumerable variety of +cares. Who, Lord, but Thou, saidst, Let the waters be gathered together +into one place, and let the dry land appear, which thirsteth after Thee? +For the sea also is Thine, and Thou hast made it, and Thy hands prepared +the dry land. Nor is the bitterness of men's wills, but the gathering +together of the waters, called sea; for Thou restrainest the wicked +desires of men's souls, and settest them their bounds, how far they may +be allowed to pass, that their waves may break one against another: and +thus makest Thou it a sea, by the order of Thy dominion over all things. + +But the souls that thirst after Thee, and that appear before Thee (being +by other bounds divided from the society of the sea), Thou waterest by +a sweet spring, that the earth may bring forth her fruit, and Thou, Lord +God, so commanding, our soul may bud forth works of mercy according +to their kind, loving our neighbour in the relief of his bodily +necessities, having seed in itself according to its likeness, when from +feeling of our infirmity, we compassionate so as to relieve the needy; +helping them, as we would be helped; if we were in like need; not only +in things easy, as in herb yielding seed, but also in the protection of +our assistance, with our best strength, like the tree yielding fruit: +that is, well-doing in rescuing him that suffers wrong, from the hand +of the powerful, and giving him the shelter of protection, by the mighty +strength of just judgment. + +So, Lord, so, I beseech Thee, let there spring up, as Thou doest, as +Thou givest cheerfulness and ability, let truth spring out of the earth, +and righteousness look down from heaven, and let there be lights in the +firmament. Let us break our bread to the hungry, and bring the houseless +poor to our house. Let us clothe the naked, and despise not those of our +own flesh. Which fruits having sprung out of the earth, see it is good: +and let our temporary light break forth; and ourselves, from this lower +fruitfulness of action, arriving at the delightfulness of contemplation, +obtaining the Word of Life above, appear like lights in the world, +cleaving to the firmament of Thy Scripture. For there Thou instructest +us, to divide between the things intellectual, and things of sense, as +betwixt the day and the night; or between souls, given either to things +intellectual, or things of sense, so that now not Thou only in the +secret of Thy judgment, as before the firmament was made, dividest +between the light and the darkness, but Thy spiritual children also +set and ranked in the same firmament (now that Thy grace is laid open +throughout the world), may give light upon the earth, and divide betwixt +the day and the night, and be for signs of times, that old things +are passed away, and, behold, all things are become new; and that our +salvation is nearer than when we believed: and that the night is far +spent, and the day is at hand: and that Thou wilt crown Thy year with +blessing, sending the labourers of Thy goodness into Thy harvest, in +sowing whereof, others have laboured, sending also into another field, +whose harvest shall be in the end. Thus grantest Thou the prayers of him +that asketh, and blessest the years of the just; but Thou art the same, +and in Thy years which fail not, Thou preparest a garner for our passing +years. For Thou by an eternal counsel dost in their proper seasons +bestow heavenly blessings upon the earth. For to one is given by the +Spirit the word of wisdom, as it were the lesser light: to another +faith; to another the gift with the light of perspicuous truth, as it +were for the rule of the day. To another the word of knowledge by the +same Spirit, as it were the lesser light: to another faith; to another +the gift of healing; to another the working of miracles; to another +prophecy; to another discerning of spirits; to another divers kinds of +tongues. And all these as it were stars. For all these worketh the one +and self-same spirit, dividing to every man his own as He will; and +causing stars to appear manifestly, to profit withal. But the word of +knowledge, wherein are contained all Sacraments, which are varied in +their seasons as it were the moon, and those other notices of gifts, +which are reckoned up in order, as it were stars, inasmuch as they come +short of that brightness of wisdom, which gladdens the forementioned +day, are only for the rule of the night. For they are necessary to such, +as that Thy most prudent servant could not speak unto as unto spiritual, +but as unto carnal; even he, who speaketh wisdom among those that are +perfect. But the natural man, as it were a babe in Christ and fed on +milk, until he be strengthened for solid meat and his eye be enabled to +behold the Sun, let him not dwell in a night forsaken of all light, but +be content with the light of the moon and the stars. So dost Thou speak +to us, our All-wise God, in Thy Book, Thy firmament; that we may discern +all things, in an admirable contemplation; though as yet in signs and in +times, and in days, and in years. + +But first, wash you, be clean; put away evil from your souls, and from +before mine eyes, that the dry land may appear. Learn to do good, judge +the fatherless, plead for the widow, that the earth may bring forth the +green herb for meat, and the tree bearing fruit; and come, let us reason +together, saith the Lord, that there may be lights in the firmament of +the heaven, and they may shine upon the earth. That rich man asked of +the good Master, what he should do to attain eternal life. Let the +good Master tell him (whom he thought no more than man; but He is good +because He is God), let Him tell him, if he would enter into life, he +must keep the commandments: let him put away from him the bitterness +of malice and wickedness; not kill, not commit adultery, not steal, not +bear false witness; that the dry land may appear, and bring forth the +honouring of father and mother, and the love of our neighbour. All these +(saith he) have I kept. Whence then so many thorns, if the earth be +fruitful? Go, root up the spreading thickets of covetousness; sell that +thou hast, and be filled with fruit, by giving to the poor, and thou +shalt have treasure in heaven; and follow the Lord if thou wilt be +perfect, associated with them, among whom He speaketh wisdom, Who +knoweth what to distribute to the day, and to the night, that thou also +mayest know it, and for thee there may be lights in the firmament of +heaven; which will not be, unless thy heart be there: nor will that +either be, unless there thy treasure be; as thou hast heard of the good +Master. But that barren earth was grieved; and the thorns choked the +word. + +But you, chosen generation, you weak things of the world, who have +forsaken all, that ye may follow the Lord; go after Him, and confound +the mighty; go after Him, ye beautiful feet, and shine ye in the +firmament, that the heavens may declare His glory, dividing between the +light of the perfect, though not as the angels, and the darkness of the +little ones, though not despised. Shine over the earth; and let the +day, lightened by the sun, utter unto day, speech of wisdom; and night, +shining with the moon, show unto night, the word of knowledge. The moon +and stars shine for the night; yet doth not the night obscure them, +seeing they give it light in its degree. For behold God saying, as +it were, Let there be lights in the firmament of heaven; there came +suddenly a sound from heaven, as it had been the rushing of a mighty +wind, and there appeared cloven tongues like as of fire, and it sat upon +each of them. And there were made lights in the firmament of heaven, +having the word of life. Run ye to and fro every where, ye holy fires, +ye beauteous fires; for ye are the light of the world, nor are ye put +under a bushel; He whom you cleave unto, is exalted, and hath exalted +you. Run ye to and fro, and be known unto all nations. + +Let the sea also conceive and bring forth your works; and let the waters +bring forth the moving creature that hath life. For ye, separating the +precious from the vile, are made the mouth of God, by whom He saith, Let +the waters bring forth, not the living creature which the earth brings +forth, but the moving creature having life, and the fowls that fly above +the earth. For Thy Sacraments, O God, by the ministry of Thy holy ones, +have moved amid the waves of temptations of the world, to hallow the +Gentiles in Thy Name, in Thy Baptism. And amid these things, many great +wonders were wrought, as it were great whales: and the voices of Thy +messengers flying above the earth, in the open firmament of Thy Book; +that being set over them, as their authority under which they were to +fly, whithersoever they went. For there is no speech nor language, where +their voice is not heard: seeing their sound is gone through all the +earth, and their words to the end of the world, because Thou, Lord, +multipliedst them by blessing. + +Speak I untruly, or do I mingle and confound, and not distinguish +between the lucid knowledge of these things in the firmament of heaven, +and the material works in the wavy sea, and under the firmament of +heaven? For of those things whereof the knowledge is substantial and +defined, without any increase by generation, as it were lights of wisdom +and knowledge, yet even of them, the material operations are many and +divers; and one thing growing out of another, they are multiplied by Thy +blessing, O God, who hast refreshed the fastidiousness of mortal senses; +that so one thing in the understanding of our mind, may, by the motions +of the body, be many ways set out, and expressed. These Sacraments have +the waters brought forth; but in Thy word. The necessities of the people +estranged from the eternity of Thy truth, have brought them forth, +but in Thy Gospel; because the waters themselves cast them forth, the +diseased bitterness whereof was the cause, why they were sent forth in +Thy Word. + +Now are all things fair that Thou hast made; but behold, Thyself art +unutterably fairer, that madest all; from whom had not Adam fallen, the +brackishness of the sea had never flowed out of him, that is, the human +race so profoundly curious, and tempestuously swelling, and restlessly +tumbling up and down; and then had there been no need of Thy dispensers +to work in many waters, after a corporeal and sensible manner, +mysterious doings and sayings. For such those moving and flying +creatures now seem to me to mean, whereby people being initiated and +consecrated by corporeal Sacraments, should not further profit, unless +their soul had a spiritual life, and unless after the word of admission, +it looked forwards to perfection. + +And hereby, in Thy Word, not the deepness of the sea, but the earth +separated from the bitterness of the waters, brings forth, not the +moving creature that hath life, but the living soul. For now hath it no +more need of baptism, as the heathen have, and as itself had, when it +was covered with the waters; (for no other entrance is there into the +kingdom of heaven, since Thou hast appointed that this should be the +entrance): nor does it seek after wonderfulness of miracles to work +belief; for it is not such, that unless it sees signs and wonders, it +will not believe, now that the faithful earth is separated from the +waters that were bitter with infidelity; and tongues are for a sign, not +to them that believe, but to them that believe not. Neither then does +that earth which Thou hast founded upon the waters, need that flying +kind, which at Thy word the waters brought forth. Send Thou Thy word +into it by Thy messengers: for we speak of their working, yet it is Thou +that workest in them that they may work out a living soul in it. The +earth brings it forth, because the earth is the cause that they work +this in the soul; as the sea was the cause that they wrought upon +the moving creatures that have life, and the fowls that fly under the +firmament of heaven, of whom the earth hath no need; although it feeds +upon that fish which was taken out of the deep, upon that table which +Thou hast prepared in the presence of them that believe. For therefore +was He taken out of the deep, that He might feed the dry land; and the +fowl, though bred in the sea, is yet multiplied upon the earth. For of +the first preachings of the Evangelists, man's infidelity was the cause; +yet are the faithful also exhorted and blessed by them manifoldly, from +day to day. But the living soul takes his beginning from the earth: for +it profits only those already among the Faithful, to contain themselves +from the love of this world, that so their soul may live unto Thee, +which was dead while it lived in pleasures; in death-bringing pleasures, +Lord, for Thou, Lord, art the life-giving delight of the pure heart. + +Now then let Thy ministers work upon the earth,--not as upon the waters +of infidelity, by preaching and speaking by miracles, and Sacraments, +and mystic words; wherein ignorance, the mother of admiration, might +be intent upon them, out of a reverence towards those secret signs. For +such is the entrance unto the Faith for the sons of Adam forgetful of +Thee, while they hide themselves from Thy face, and become a darksome +deep. But--let Thy ministers work now as on the dry land, separated from +the whirlpools of the great deep: and let them be a pattern unto the +Faithful, by living before them, and stirring them up to imitation. For +thus do men hear, so as not to hear only, but to do also. Seek the Lord, +and your soul shall live, that the earth may bring forth the living +soul. Be not conformed to the world. Contain yourselves from it: the +soul lives by avoiding what it dies by affecting. Contain yourselves +from the ungoverned wildness of pride, the sluggish voluptuousness of +luxury, and the false name of knowledge: that so the wild beasts may be +tamed, the cattle broken to the yoke, the serpents, harmless. For +these be the motions of our mind under an allegory; that is to say, the +haughtiness of pride, the delight of lust, and the poison of curiosity, +are the motions of a dead soul; for the soul dies not so as to lose all +motion; because it dies by forsaking the fountain of life, and so is +taken up by this transitory world, and is conformed unto it. + +But Thy word, O God, is the fountain of life eternal; and passeth not +away: wherefore this departure of the soul is restrained by Thy word, +when it is said unto us, Be not conformed unto this world; that so the +earth may in the fountain of life bring forth a living soul; that is, +a soul made continent in Thy Word, by Thy Evangelists, by following the +followers of Thy Christ. For this is after his kind; because a man is +wont to imitate his friend. Be ye (saith he) as I am, for I also am +as you are. Thus in this living soul shall there be good beasts, in +meekness of action (for Thou hast commanded, Go on with thy business in +meekness, so shalt thou be beloved by all men); and good cattle, which +neither if they eat, shall they over-abound, nor, if they eat not, have +any lack; and good serpents, not dangerous, to do hurt, but wise to take +heed; and only making so much search into this temporal nature, as may +suffice that eternity be clearly seen, being understood by the things +that are made. For these creatures are obedient unto reason, when being +restrained from deadly prevailing upon us, they live, and are good. + +For behold, O Lord, our God, our Creator, when our affections have +been restrained from the love of the world, by which we died through +evil-living; and begun to be a living soul, through good living; and +Thy word which Thou spokest by Thy apostle, is made good in us, Be not +conformed to this world: there follows that also, which Thou presently +subjoinedst, saying, But be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind; +not now after your kind, as though following your neighbour who went +before you, nor as living after the example of some better man (for Thou +saidst not, "Let man be made after his kind," but, Let us make man after +our own image and similitude), that we might prove what Thy will is. For +to this purpose said that dispenser of Thine (who begat children by the +Gospel), that he might not for ever have them babes, whom he must be +fain to feed with milk, and cherish as a nurse; be ye transformed (saith +he) by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good +and acceptable and perfect will of God. Wherefore Thou sayest not, "Let +man be made," but Let us make man. Nor saidst Thou, "according to his +kind"; but, after our image and likeness. For man being renewed in his +mind, and beholding and understanding Thy truth, needs not man as his +director, so as to follow after his kind; but by Thy direction proveth +what is that good, that acceptable, and perfect will of Thine: yea, Thou +teachest him, now made capable, to discern the Trinity of the Unity, and +the Unity of the Trinity. Wherefore to that said in the plural, Let us +make man, is yet subjoined in the singular, And God made man: and +to that said in the plural, After our likeness, is subjoined in the +singular, After the image of God. Thus is man renewed in the knowledge +of God, after the image of Him that created him: and being made +spiritual, he judgeth all things (all things which are to be judged), +yet himself is judged of no man. + +But that he judgeth all things, this answers to his having dominion over +the fish of the sea, and over the fowls of the air, and over all cattle +and wild beasts, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing +that creepeth upon the earth. For this he doth by the understanding of +his mind, whereby he perceiveth the things of the Spirit of God; whereas +otherwise, man being placed in honour, had no understanding, and is +compared unto the brute beasts, and is become like unto them. In Thy +Church therefore, O our God, according to Thy grace which Thou hast +bestowed upon it (for we are Thy workmanship created unto good +works), not those only who are spiritually set over, but they also who +spiritually are subject to those that are set over them,--for in this +way didst Thou make man male and female, in Thy grace spiritual, where, +according to the sex of body, there is neither male nor female, because +neither Jew nor Grecian, neither bond nor free.--Spiritual persons +(whether such as are set over, or such as obey); do judge spiritually; +not of that spiritual knowledge which shines in the firmament (for they +ought not to judge as to so supreme authority), nor may they judge of +Thy Book itself, even though something there shineth not clearly; for we +submit our understanding unto it, and hold for certain, that even what +is closed to our sight, is yet rightly and truly spoken. For so man, +though now spiritual and renewed in the knowledge of God after His image +that created him, ought to be a doer of the law, not a judge. Neither +doth he judge of that distinction of spiritual and carnal men, who +are known unto Thine eyes, O our God, and have not as yet discovered +themselves unto us by works, that by their fruits we might know them: +but Thou, Lord, dost even now know them, and hast divided and called +them in secret, or ever the firmament was made. Nor doth he, though +spiritual, judge the unquiet people of this world; for what hath he +to do, to judge them that are without, knowing not which of them shall +hereafter come into the sweetness of Thy grace; and which continue in +the perpetual bitterness of ungodliness? + +Man therefore, whom Thou hast made after Thine own image, received not +dominion over the lights of heaven, nor over that hidden heaven +itself, nor over the day and the night, which Thou calledst before the +foundation of the heaven, nor over the gathering together of the waters, +which is the sea; but He received dominion over the fishes of the sea, +and the fowls of the air, and over all cattle, and over all the earth, +and over all creeping things which creep upon the earth. For He judgeth +and approveth what He findeth right, and He disalloweth what He findeth +amiss, whether in the celebration of those Sacraments by which such +are initiated, as Thy mercy searches out in many waters: or in that, in +which that Fish is set forth, which, taken out of the deep, the devout +earth feedeth upon: or in the expressions and signs of words, subject to +the authority of Thy Book,--such signs, as proceed out of the mouth, +and sound forth, flying as it were under the firmament, by interpreting, +expounding, discoursing disputing, consecrating, or praying unto Thee, +so that the people may answer, Amen. The vocal pronouncing of all which +words, is occasioned by the deep of this world, and the blindness of the +flesh, which cannot see thoughts; So that there is need to speak aloud +into the ears; so that, although flying fowls be multiplied upon the +earth, yet they derive their beginning from the waters. The spiritual +man judgeth also by allowing of what is right, and disallowing what he +finds amiss, in the works and lives of the faithful; their alms, as it +were the earth bringing forth fruit, and of the living soul, living +by the taming of the affections, in chastity, in fasting, in holy +meditations; and of those things, which are perceived by the senses of +the body. Upon all these is he now said to judge, wherein he hath also +power of correction. + +But what is this, and what kind of mystery? Behold, Thou blessest +mankind, O Lord, that they may increase and multiply, and replenish the +earth; dost Thou not thereby give us a hint to understand something? why +didst Thou not as well bless the light, which Thou calledst day; nor the +firmament of heaven, nor the lights, nor the stars, nor the earth, nor +the sea? I might say that Thou, O God, who created created us after +Thine Image, I might say, that it had been Thy good pleasure to bestow +this blessing peculiarly upon man; hadst Thou not in like manner blessed +the fishes and the whales, that they should increase and multiply, and +replenish the waters of the sea, and that the fowls should be multiplied +upon the earth. I might say likewise, that this blessing pertained +properly unto such creatures, as are bred of their own kind, had I found +it given to the fruit-trees, and plants, and beasts of the earth. But +now neither unto the herbs, nor the trees, nor the beasts, nor serpents +is it said, Increase and multiply; notwithstanding all these as well as +the fishes, fowls, or men, do by generation increase and continue their +kind. + +What then shall I say, O Truth my Light? "that it was idly said, and +without meaning?" Not so, O Father of piety, far be it from a minister +of Thy word to say so. And if I understand not what Thou meanest by +that phrase, let my betters, that is, those of more understanding than +myself, make better use of it, according as Thou, my God, hast given to +each man to understand. But let my confession also be pleasing in Thine +eyes, wherein I confess unto Thee, that I believe, O Lord, that Thou +spokest not so in vain; nor will I suppress, what this lesson suggests +to me. For it is true, nor do I see what should hinder me from thus +understanding the figurative sayings of Thy Bible. For I know a thing +to be manifoldly signified by corporeal expressions, which is understood +one way by the mind; and that understood many ways in the mind, which +is signified one way by corporeal expression. Behold, the single love +of God and our neighbour, by what manifold sacraments, and innumerable +languages, and in each several language, in how innumerable modes of +speaking, it is corporeally expressed. Thus do the offspring of the +waters increase and multiply. Observe again, whosoever readest this; +behold, what Scripture delivers, and the voice pronounces one only way, +In the Beginning God created heaven and earth; is it not understood +manifoldly, not through any deceit of error, but by various kinds of +true senses? Thus do man's offspring increase and multiply. + +If therefore we conceive of the natures of the things themselves, not +allegorically, but properly, then does the phrase increase and multiply, +agree unto all things, that come of seed. But if we treat of the words +as figuratively spoken (which I rather suppose to be the purpose of +the Scripture, which doth not, surely, superfluously ascribe this +benediction to the offspring of aquatic animals and man only); then +do we find "multitude" to belong to creatures spiritual as well as +corporeal, as in heaven and earth, and to righteous and unrighteous, as +in light and darkness; and to holy authors who have been the ministers +of the Law unto us, as in the firmament which is settled betwixt +the waters and the waters; and to the society of people yet in the +bitterness of infidelity, as in the sea; and to the zeal of holy souls, +as in the dry land; and to works of mercy belonging to this present +life, as in the herbs bearing seed, and in trees bearing fruit; and to +spiritual gifts set forth for edification, as in the lights of heaven; +and to affections formed unto temperance, as in the living soul. In all +these instances we meet with multitudes, abundance, and increase; but +what shall in such wise increase and multiply that one thing may be +expressed many ways, and one expression understood many ways; we find +not, except in signs corporeally expressed, and in things mentally +conceived. By signs corporeally pronounced we understand the generations +of the waters, necessarily occasioned by the depth of the flesh; +by things mentally conceived, human generations, on account of the +fruitfulness of reason. And for this end do we believe Thee, Lord, to +have said to these kinds, Increase and multiply. For in this blessing, I +conceive Thee to have granted us a power and a faculty, both to express +several ways what we understand but one; and to understand several ways, +what we read to be obscurely delivered but in one. Thus are the +waters of the sea replenished, which are not moved but by several +significations: thus with human increase is the earth also replenished, +whose dryness appeareth in its longing, and reason ruleth over it. + +I would also say, O Lord my God, what the following Scripture minds me +of; yea, I will say, and not fear. For I will say the truth, Thyself +inspiring me with what Thou willedst me to deliver out of those words. +But by no other inspiration than Thine, do I believe myself to speak +truth, seeing Thou art the Truth, and every man a liar. He therefore +that speaketh a lie, speaketh of his own; that therefore I may speak +truth, I will speak of Thine. Behold, Thou hast given unto us for food +every herb bearing seed which is upon all the earth; and every tree, +in which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed. And not to us alone, but +also to all the fowls of the air, and to the beasts of the earth, and to +all creeping things; but unto the fishes and to the great whales, hast +Thou not given them. Now we said that by these fruits of the earth were +signified, and figured in an allegory, the works of mercy which are +provided for the necessities of this life out of the fruitful earth. +Such an earth was the devout Onesiphorus, unto whose house Thou gavest +mercy, because he often refreshed Thy Paul, and was not ashamed of his +chain. Thus did also the brethren, and such fruit did they bear, who out +of Macedonia supplied what was lacking to him. But how grieved he for +some trees, which did not afford him the fruit due unto him, where he +saith, At my first answer no man stood by me, but all men forsook me. I +pray God that it may not be laid to their charge. For these fruits are +due to such as minister the spiritual doctrine unto us out of their +understanding of the divine mysteries; and they are due to them, as men; +yea and due to them also, as the living soul, which giveth itself as an +example, in all continency; and due unto them also, as flying creatures, +for their blessings which are multiplied upon the earth, because their +sound went out into all lands. + +But they are fed by these fruits, that are delighted with them; nor are +they delighted with them, whose God is their belly. For neither in them +that yield them, are the things yielded the fruit, but with what mind +they yield them. He therefore that served God, and not his own belly, +I plainly see why he rejoiced; I see it, and I rejoice with him. For he +had received from the Philippians, what they had sent by Epaphroditus +unto him: and yet I perceive why he rejoiced. For whereat he rejoiced +upon that he fed; for, speaking in truth, I rejoiced (saith he) greatly +in the Lord, that now at the last your care of me hath flourished again, +wherein ye were also careful, but it had become wearisome unto you. +These Philippians then had now dried up, with a long weariness, and +withered as it were as to bearing this fruit of a good work; and he +rejoiceth for them, that they flourished again, not for himself, that +they supplied his wants. Therefore subjoins he, not that I speak in +respect of want, for I have learned in whatsoever state I am, therewith +to be content. I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound; +every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full, and to be +hungry; both to abound, and to suffer need. I can do all things through +Him which strengtheneth me. + +Whereat then rejoicest thou, O great Paul? whereat rejoicest thou? +whereon feedest thou, O man, renewed in the knowledge of God, after the +image of Him that created thee, thou living soul, of so much continency, +thou tongue like flying fowls, speaking mysteries? (for to such +creatures, is this food due;) what is it that feeds thee? joy. Hear +we what follows: notwithstanding, ye have well done, that ye did +communicate with my affliction. Hereat he rejoiceth, hereon feedeth; +because they had well done, not because his strait was eased, who saith +unto Thee, Thou hast enlarged me when I was in distress; for that he +knew to abound, and to suffer want, in Thee Who strengthenest him. +For ye Philippians also know (saith he), that in the beginning of the +Gospel, when I departed from Macedonia, no Church communicated with +me as concerning giving and receiving, but ye only. For even in +Thessalonica ye sent once and again unto my necessity. Unto these good +works, he now rejoiceth that they are returned; and is gladdened that +they flourished again, as when a fruitful field resumes its green. + +Was it for his own necessities, because he said, Ye sent unto my +necessity? Rejoiceth he for that? Verily not for that. But how know we +this? Because himself says immediately, not because I desire a gift, but +I desire fruit. I have learned of Thee, my God, to distinguish betwixt +a gift, and fruit. A gift, is the thing itself which he gives, that +imparts these necessaries unto us; as money, meat, drink, clothing, +shelter, help: but the fruit, is the good and right will of the giver. +For the Good Master said not only, He that receiveth a prophet, but +added, in the name of a prophet: nor did He only say, He that receiveth +a righteous man, but added, in the name of a righteous man. So verily +shall the one receive the reward of a prophet, the other, the reward of +a righteous man: nor saith He only, He that shall give to drink a cup +of cold water to one of my little ones; but added, in the name of a +disciple: and so concludeth, Verily I say unto you, he shall not lose +his reward. The gift is, to receive a prophet, to receive a righteous +man, to give a cup of cold water to a disciple: but the fruit, to do +this in the name of a prophet, in the name of a righteous man, in the +name of a disciple. With fruit was Elijah fed by the widow that knew +she fed a man of God, and therefore fed him: but by the raven was he fed +with a gift. Nor was the inner man of Elijah so fed, but the outer only; +which might also for want of that food have perished. + +I will then speak what is true in Thy sight, O Lord, that when carnal +men and infidels (for the gaining and initiating whom, the initiatory +Sacraments and the mighty workings of miracles are necessary, which we +suppose to be signified by the name of fishes and whales) undertake +the bodily refreshment, or otherwise succour Thy servant with something +useful for this present life; whereas they be ignorant, why this is to +be done, and to what end; neither do they feed these, nor are these +fed by them; because neither do the one do it out of an holy and right +intent; nor do the other rejoice at their gifts, whose fruit they as +yet behold not. For upon that is the mind fed, of which it is glad. +And therefore do not the fishes and whales feed upon such meats, as the +earth brings not forth until after it was separated and divided from the +bitterness of the waves of the sea. + +And Thou, O God, sawest every thing that Thou hadst made, and, behold, +it was very good. Yea we also see the same, and behold, all things are +very good. Of the several kinds of Thy works, when Thou hadst said "let +them be," and they were, Thou sawest each that it was good. Seven times +have I counted it to be written, that Thou sawest that that which Thou +madest was good: and this is the eighth, that Thou sawest every thing +that Thou hadst made, and, behold, it was not only good, but also very +good, as being now altogether. For severally, they were only good; but +altogether, both good, and very good. All beautiful bodies express the +same; by reason that a body consisting of members all beautiful, is +far more beautiful than the same members by themselves are, by whose +well-ordered blending the whole is perfected; notwithstanding that the +members severally be also beautiful. + +And I looked narrowly to find, whether seven, or eight times Thou sawest +that Thy works were good, when they pleased Thee; but in Thy seeing I +found no times, whereby I might understand that Thou sawest so often, +what Thou madest. And I said, "Lord, is not this Thy Scripture true, +since Thou art true, and being Truth, hast set it forth? why then dost +Thou say unto me, 'that in Thy seeing there be no times'; whereas this +Thy Scripture tells me, that what Thou madest each day, Thou sawest that +it was good: and when I counted them, I found how often." Unto this Thou +answerest me, for Thou art my God, and with a strong voice tellest Thy +servant in his inner ear, breaking through my deafness and crying, "O +man, that which My Scripture saith, I say: and yet doth that speak in +time; but time has no relation to My Word; because My Word exists +in equal eternity with Myself. So the things which ye see through My +Spirit, I see; like as what ye speak by My Spirit, I speak. And so when +ye see those things in time, I see them not in time; as when ye speak in +time, I speak them not in time." + +And I heard, O Lord my God, and drank up a drop of sweetness out of Thy +truth, and understood, that certain men there be who mislike Thy works; +and say, that many of them Thou madest, compelled by necessity; such +as the fabric of the heavens, and harmony of the stars; and that Thou +madest them not of what was Thine, but that they were otherwhere and +from other sources created, for Thee to bring together and compact and +combine, when out of Thy conquered enemies Thou raisedst up the walls of +the universe; that they, bound down by the structure, might not again +be able to rebel against Thee. For other things, they say Thou neither +madest them, nor even compactedst them, such as all flesh and all very +minute creatures, and whatsoever hath its root in the earth; but that +a mind at enmity with Thee, and another nature not created by Thee, and +contrary unto Thee, did, in these lower stages of the world, beget and +frame these things. Frenzied are they who say thus, because they see not +Thy works by Thy Spirit, nor recognise Thee in them. + +But they who by Thy Spirit see these things, Thou seest in them. +Therefore when they see that these things are good, Thou seest that they +are good; and whatsoever things for Thy sake please, Thou pleasest in +them, and what through Thy Spirit please us, they please Thee in us. For +what man knoweth the things of a man, save the spirit of a man, which is +in him? even so the things of God knoweth no one, but the Spirit of God. +Now we (saith he) have received, not the spirit of this world, but the +Spirit which is of God, that we might know the things that are freely +given to us of God. And I am admonished, "Truly the things of God +knoweth no one, but the Spirit of God: how then do we also know, what +things are given us of God?" Answer is made me; "because the things +which we know by His Spirit, even these no one knoweth, but the Spirit +of God. For as it is rightly said unto those that were to speak by the +Spirit of God, it is not ye that speak: so is it rightly said to them +that know through the Spirit of God, 'It is not ye that know.' And no +less then is it rightly said to those that see through the Spirit of +God, 'It is not ye that see'; so whatsoever through the Spirit of God +they see to be good, it is not they, but God that sees that it is good." +It is one thing then for a man to think that to be ill which is good, +as the forenamed do; another, that that which is good, a man should see +that it is good (as Thy creatures be pleasing unto many, because they +be good, whom yet Thou pleasest not in them, when they prefer to enjoy +them, to Thee); and another, that when a man sees a thing that it is +good, God should in him see that it is good, so, namely, that He should +be loved in that which He made, Who cannot be loved, but by the Holy +Ghost which He hath given. Because the love of God is shed abroad in our +hearts by the Holy Ghost, Which is given unto us: by Whom we see that +whatsoever in any degree is, is good. For from Him it is, who Himself Is +not in degree, but what He Is, Is. + +Thanks to Thee, O Lord. We behold the heaven and earth, whether the +corporeal part, superior and inferior, or the spiritual and corporeal +creature; and in the adorning of these parts, whereof the universal pile +of the world, or rather the universal creation, doth consist, we see +light made, and divided from the darkness. We see the firmament of +heaven, whether that primary body of the world, between the spiritual +upper waters and the inferior corporeal waters, or (since this also +is called heaven) this space of air through which wander the fowls of +heaven, betwixt those waters which are in vapours borne above them, and +in clear nights distill down in dew; and those heavier waters which flow +along the earth. We behold a face of waters gathered together in the +fields of the sea; and the dry land both void, and formed so as to be +visible and harmonized, yea and the matter of herbs and trees. We behold +the lights shining from above, the sun to suffice for the day, the moon +and the stars to cheer the night; and that by all these, times should +be marked and signified. We behold on all sides a moist element, +replenished with fishes, beasts, and birds; because the grossness of +the air, which bears up the flights of birds, thickeneth itself by the +exhalation of the waters. We behold the face of the earth decked out +with earthly creatures, and man, created after Thy image and likeness, +even through that Thy very image and likeness (that is the power of +reason and understanding), set over all irrational creatures. And as +in his soul there is one power which has dominion by directing, another +made subject, that it might obey; so was there for the man, corporeally +also, made a woman, who in the mind of her reasonable understanding +should have a parity of nature, but in the sex of her body, should be in +like manner subject to the sex of her husband, as the appetite of doing +is fain to conceive the skill of right-doing from the reason of +the mind. These things we behold, and they are severally good, and +altogether very good. + +Let Thy works praise Thee, that we may love Thee; and let us love Thee, +that Thy works may praise Thee, which from time have beginning and +ending, rising and setting, growth and decay, form and privation. They +have then their succession of morning and evening, part secretly, part +apparently; for they were made of nothing, by Thee, not of Thee; not of +any matter not Thine, or that was before, but of matter concreated (that +is, at the same time created by Thee), because to its state without +form, Thou without any interval of time didst give form. For seeing +the matter of heaven and earth is one thing, and the form another, Thou +madest the matter of merely nothing, but the form of the world out of +the matter without form: yet both together, so that the form should +follow the matter, without any interval of delay. + +We have also examined what Thou willedst to be shadowed forth, whether +by the creation, or the relation of things in such an order. And we have +seen, that things singly are good, and together very good, in Thy Word, +in Thy Only-Begotten, both heaven and earth, the Head and the body of +the Church, in Thy predestination before all times, without morning +and evening. But when Thou begannest to execute in time the things +predestinated, to the end Thou mightest reveal hidden things, and +rectify our disorders; for our sins hung over us, and we had sunk into +the dark deep; and Thy good Spirit was borne over us, to help us in due +season; and Thou didst justify the ungodly, and dividest them from the +wicked; and Thou madest the firmament of authority of Thy Book between +those placed above, who were to be docile unto Thee, and those under, +who were to be subject to them: and Thou gatheredst together the society +of unbelievers into one conspiracy, that the zeal of the faithful might +appear, and they might bring forth works of mercy, even distributing to +the poor their earthly riches, to obtain heavenly. And after this didst +Thou kindle certain lights in the firmament, Thy Holy ones, having the +word of life; and shining with an eminent authority set on high through +spiritual gifts; after that again, for the initiation of the unbelieving +Gentiles, didst Thou out of corporeal matter produce the Sacraments, and +visible miracles, and forms of words according to the firmament of Thy +Book, by which the faithful should be blessed and multiplied. Next +didst Thou form the living soul of the faithful, through affections well +ordered by the vigour of continency: and after that, the mind subjected +to Thee alone and needing to imitate no human authority, hast Thou +renewed after Thy image and likeness; and didst subject its rational +actions to the excellency of the understanding, as the woman to the man; +and to all Offices of Thy Ministry, necessary for the perfecting of the +faithful in this life, Thou willedst, that for their temporal uses, good +things, fruitful to themselves in time to come, be given by the same +faithful. All these we see, and they are very good, because Thou seest +them in us, Who hast given unto us Thy Spirit, by which we might see +them, and in them love Thee. + +O Lord God, give peace unto us: (for Thou hast given us all things;) the +peace of rest, the peace of the Sabbath, which hath no evening. For +all this most goodly array of things very good, having finished their +courses, is to pass away, for in them there was morning and evening. + +But the seventh day hath no evening, nor hath it setting; because Thou +hast sanctified it to an everlasting continuance; that that which Thou +didst after Thy works which were very good, resting the seventh day, +although Thou madest them in unbroken rest, that may the voice of +Thy Book announce beforehand unto us, that we also after our works +(therefore very good, because Thou hast given them us), shall rest in +Thee also in the Sabbath of eternal life. + +For then shalt Thou rest in us, as now Thou workest in us; and so shall +that be Thy rest through us, as these are Thy works through us. But +Thou, Lord, ever workest, and art ever at rest. Nor dost Thou see in +time, nor art moved in time, nor restest in a time; and yet Thou makest +things seen in time, yea the times themselves, and the rest which +results from time. + +We therefore see these things which Thou madest, because they are: but +they are, because Thou seest them. And we see without, that they are, +and within, that they are good, but Thou sawest them there, when made, +where Thou sawest them, yet to be made. And we were at a later time +moved to do well, after our hearts had conceived of Thy Spirit; but in +the former time we were moved to do evil, forsaking Thee; but Thou, the +One, the Good God, didst never cease doing good. And we also have some +good works, of Thy gift, but not eternal; after them we trust to rest in +Thy great hallowing. But Thou, being the Good which needeth no good, art +ever at rest, because Thy rest is Thou Thyself. And what man can teach +man to understand this? or what Angel, an Angel? or what Angel, a man? +Let it be asked of Thee, sought in Thee, knocked for at Thee; so, so +shall it be received, so shall it be found, so shall it be opened. Amen. + + GRATIAS TIBI DOMINE + + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Confessions of Saint Augustine, by +Saint Augustine + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CONFESSIONS OF SAINT AUGUSTINE *** + +***** This file should be named 3296.txt or 3296.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/2/9/3296/ + +Produced by Robert S. 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