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diff --git a/3427-h/3427-h.htm b/3427-h/3427-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..067c233 --- /dev/null +++ b/3427-h/3427-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,8116 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=UTF-8" /> + <title> + Kilo, by Ellis Parker Butler + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Kilo, by Ellis Parker Butler + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Kilo + Being the Love Story of Eliph' Hewlitt Book Agent + +Author: Ellis Parker Butler + +Release Date: February 9, 2009 [EBook #3427] +Last Updated: March 11, 2018 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK KILO *** + + + + +Produced by Linda P. Kemper-Holzman, and David Widger + + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + KILO + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + Being the Love Story of Eliph' Hewlitt Book Agent + </h2> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h2> + By Ellis Parker Butler + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + Contents + </h2> + <h4> + <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> <b>KILO</b> </a> + </h4> + <table summary="" style="margin-right: auto; margin-left: auto"> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER I. </a> + </td> + <td> + Eliph' Hewlitt + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER II. </a> + </td> + <td> + Susan + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER III. </a> + </td> + <td> + “How to Win the Affections” + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER IV. </a> + </td> + <td> + Kilo + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER V. </a> + </td> + <td> + Sammy Mills + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI. </a> + </td> + <td> + The Castaway + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER VII. </a> + </td> + <td> + The Colonel + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER VIII. </a> + </td> + <td> + The Medium-Sized Box + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER IX. </a> + </td> + <td> + The Witness + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER X. </a> + </td> + <td> + The Boss Grafter + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER XI. </a> + </td> + <td> + The False Gods of Doc Weaver + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER XII. </a> + </td> + <td> + Getting Acquainted + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER XIII. </a> + </td> + <td> + “Second: A Small Present” + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER XIV. </a> + </td> + <td> + Something Turns Up + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER XV. </a> + </td> + <td> + Difficulties + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER XVI. </a> + </td> + <td> + Two Lovers, and a Third + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2HCH0017"> CHAPTER XVII. </a> + </td> + <td> + According to Jarby's + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2HCH0018"> CHAPTER XVIII. </a> + </td> + <td> + Another Trial + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2HCH0019"> CHAPTER XIX. </a> + </td> + <td> + Pap Briggs' Hen Food + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <h1> + KILO + </h1> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER I. Eliph' Hewlitt + </h2> + <p> + Eliph' Hewlitt, book agent, seated in his weather-beaten top buggy, drove + his horse, Irontail, carefully along the rough Iowa hill road that leads + from Jefferson to Clarence. The Horse, a rusty gray, tottered in a + loose-jointed manner from side to side of the road, half asleep in the + sun, and was indolent in every muscle of his body, except his tail, which + thrashed violently at the flies. Eliph' Hewlitt drove with his hands held + high, almost on a level with his sandy whiskers, for he was well + acquainted with Irontail. + </p> + <p> + The road seemed to pass through a region of large farms, offering few + opportunities for selling books, the houses being so far apart, but Eliph' + knew the small settlement of Clarence was a few miles farther on, and he + was carrying enlightenment to the benighted. He glowed with missionary + zeal. In his eagerness he thoughtlessly slapped the reins on the back of + Irontail. + </p> + <p> + Instantly the plump, gray tail of the horse flashed over the rein and + clamped it fast. Eliph' Hewlitt leaned over the dashboard of his buggy and + grasped the hair of the tail firmly. He pulled it upward with all his + strength, but the tail did not yield. Instead, Irontail kicked vigorously. + Eliph' Hewlitt, knowing his horse as well as he knew human nature, climbed + out of the buggy, and taking the rein close by the bit led Irontail to the + side of the road. Then he took from beneath the buggy seat a bulky, + oil-cloth-wrapped parcel and seated himself near the horse's head. There + was no safety for a timid driver when Irontail had thus assumed command of + the rein. There was no way to get a rein from beneath that tail but to + ignore it. In an hour or so Irontail would grow forgetful, carelessly + begin flapping flies, and release the rein himself. + </p> + <p> + Eliph' Hewlitt unwrapped the oilcloth from the object it enfolded. It was + a book. It was Jarby's 'Encyclopedia of Knowledge and Compendium of + Literature, Science, Art, Comprising Useful Information on One Thousand + and One Subjects, Including A History of the World, the Lives of all + Famous Men, Quotations From the World's Great Authors, One Thousand and + One Recipes, Et Cetera'. One Volume, five dollars bound in cloth; seven + fifty in morocco. Eliph' Hewlitt passed his hand affectionately over the + gilt-stamped cover, and then opened it at random and read. + </p> + <p> + For years he had been reading Jarby's Encyclopedia, and among its ten + thousand and one subjects he always found something new. It opened now at + “Courtship—How to Make Love—How to Win the Affections—How to + Hold Them When Won,” and although he had read the pages often before, he + found in all parts of the book, whenever he read it, a new meaning. It + occurred to him that even a book agent might have reason to use the + helpful words set for in clear type in the chapter on “Courtship—How + to Make Love,” and he realized that sometime he must reach the age when he + would need a home of his own. For years he had thought of woman only as a + possible customer for Jarby's Encyclopedia. Every woman, not already + married, he now saw, might be a possible Mrs. Eliph' Hewlitt. + </p> + <p> + Suddenly he raised his head. On the breeze there was borne to him the + sound of voices—many voices. He closed the book with a bang. His + small body became tense; his eyes glittered. He scented prey. He wrapped + the book in its oilcloth, laid it upon the buggy seat, and taking Irontail + by the bridle, started in the direction of the voices. + </p> + <p> + Half a mile down the road he came upon a scene of merriment. In a cleared + grove men, women and children were gathered; it was a church picnic. + Eliph' Hewlitt took his hitching strap from beneath the buggy seat and + secured Irontail to a tree. + </p> + <p> + “Church picnic,” he said to himself; “one, two, sixteen, twenty-four, AND + the minister. Good for twelve copies of Jarby's Encyclopedia or I'm no + good myself. I love church picnics. What so lovely as to see the pastor + and his flock gathered together in a bunch, as I may say, like ten-pins, + ready to be scooped in, all at one shot?” + </p> + <p> + He walked up to the rail fence and leaned against it so that he might be + seen and invited in. It was better policy than pushing himself forward, + and it gave him time to study the faces. He did not find them hopeful + subjects. They were not the faces of readers. They were not even the faces + of buyers. Even in their holiday finery, the women were shabby and the men + were careworn. The minister himself, white-bearded and gray-haired, showed + more signs of spiritual grace than intellectual strength. + </p> + <p> + One woman, fresh and bright as a butterfly, appeared among them, and + Eliph' Hewlitt knew her at once as a city dweller, who had somehow got + into this dull and hard-working community. Almost at the same moment she + noticed him, and approached him. She smiled kindly and extended her hand. + </p> + <p> + “Won't you come in?” she asked. “I don't seem to remember your face, but + we would be glad to have you join us.” + </p> + <p> + Eliph' Hewlitt shook his head. + </p> + <p> + “No'm,” he said sadly. “I'd better not come in. Not that I don't want to, + but I wouldn't be welcome. There ain't anything I like so much as church + picnics, and when I was a boy I used to cry for them, but I wouldn't dare + join you. I'm a”—he looked around cautiously, and said in a whisper—“I'm + a book agent.” + </p> + <p> + The lady laughed. + </p> + <p> + “Of course,” she said, “that DOES make a difference; but you needn't be a + book agent to-day. You can forget it for a while and join us.” + </p> + <p> + Eliph' Hewlitt shook his head again. + </p> + <p> + “That's it,” he said. “That's just the reason. I CAN'T forget it. I try + to, but I can't. Just when I don't want to, I break out, and before I know + it I've sold everybody a book, and then I feel like I'd imposed on good + nature. They take me in as a friend and then I sell 'em a copy of Jarby's + 'Encyclopedia of Knowledge and Compendium of Literature, Science and Art,' + ten thousand and one subjects, from A to Z, including recipes for every + known use, quotations from famous authors, lives of famous men, and, in + one word, all the world's wisdom condensed into one volume, five dollars, + neatly bound in cloth, one dollar down and one dollar a month until paid.” + </p> + <p> + He paused, and the lady looked at him with an amused smile. + </p> + <p> + “Or seven fifty, handsomely bound in morocco,” he added. “So you see I + don't feel like I ought to impose. I know how I am. You take my mother + now. She hadn't seen me for eight years. I'd been traveling all over these + United States, carrying knowledge and culture into the homes of the people + at five dollars, easy payments, per home, and I got a telegram saying, + 'Come home. Mother very ill.'” He nodded his head slowly. “Wonderful + invention, the telegraph,” he said. “It tells all about it on page 562 of + Jarby's 'Encyclopedia of Knowledge and Compendium of Literature, Science + and Art,'—who invented; when first used; name of every city, town, + village and station in the U.S. that has a telegraph office; complete + explanation of the telegraph system, telling how words are carried over a + slender wire, et cetery, et cetery. This and ten thousand other useful + facts in one volume, only five dollars, bound in cloth. So when I got that + telegram I took the train for home. Look in the index under T. 'Train, + Railway—see Railway.' 'Railway; when first operated; inventor of the + locomotive engine; railway accidents from 1892 to 1904, giving number of + fatal accidents per year, per month, per week, per day, and per miles; et + cetery, et cetery. Every subject known to man fully and interestingly + treated, WITH illustrations.” + </p> + <p> + “I don't believe I care for a copy to-day,” said the lady. + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Eliph' Hewlitt, meekly. “I know it. Nor I don't want to sell + you one. I just mentioned it to show you that when you have a copy of + Jarby's Encyclopedia of Knowledge you have an entire library in one book, + arranged and indexed by the greatest minds of the nineteenth and twentieth + centuries. One dollar down and one dollar a month until paid. But—when + I got home I found mother low—very low. When I went in she was just + able to look up and whisper, 'Eliph'?' 'Yes, mother,' I says. 'Is it + really you at last?' she says. 'Yes, mother,' I says, 'it's me at last, + mother, and I couldn't get here sooner. I was out in Ohio, carrying joy to + countless homes and introducing to them Jarby's Encyclopedia of Knowledge + and Compendium of Literature, Science and Art. It is a book, mother,' I + says, 'suited for rich or poor, young or old. No family is complete + without it. Ten thousand and one subjects, all indexed from A to Z, + including an appendix of the Spanish War brought down to the last moment, + and maps of Europe, Asia, Africa, North and South America and Australia. + This book, mother,' I says, 'is a gold mine of information for the young, + and a solace for the old. Pages 201 to 263 filled with quotations from the + world's great poets, making select and helpful reading for the fireside + lamp. Pages 463 to 468, dying sayings of famous men and women. A book,' I + says, 'that teaches us how to live and how to die. All the wisdom of the + world in one volume, five dollars, neatly bound in cloth, one dollar down + and one dollar a month until paid.' Mother looked up at me and says, + 'Eliph', put me down for one copy.' So I did. I hope I may do the same for + you.” + </p> + <p> + The lady was about to speak, but Eliph' Hewlitt held up his hand + warningly. + </p> + <p> + “No,” he said. “I beg your pardon. I didn't MEAN to say that. I couldn't + think of taking your order. I didn't mean to ask it any more than I meant + to ask mother. It's habit, and that's what I'm afraid of. I'd better not + intrude.” + </p> + <p> + The lady evidently did not agree with him. He amused her because he was + what she called a “type,” and she was always on the lookout for “types.” + She urged him to join the picnic, and said he could try not to talk books, + and reminded him that no one could do more than try. He climbed the fence + with a reluctance that was the more noticeable because his climbing was + retarded by the oilcloth-covered parcel he held beneath his arm. The lady + smiled as she noticed that he had not feared his soliciting habits + sufficiently to leave the book in the buggy, and she made a mental note of + this to be used in the story she meant to write about this book-agent + type. + </p> + <p> + “My name is Smith,” she told him, as she tripped lightly toward the group + about the lunch baskets. + </p> + <p> + Eliph' Hewlitt was a small man and his movements were short and jerky. He + drew his hand over his red whiskers and coughed gently when she mentioned + her name, and as she hurried on before him he looked at her tall, straight + figure; noticed the stylish mode of her simple summer gown, and caught a + glimpse of low, white shoes and neat ankles covered by delicately woven + silk. + </p> + <p> + “Courtship—How to Make Love—How to Win the Affections—How + to Hold Them When Won,” he meditated. “Lovely, but she will not suit. She + is an encyclopedia of knowledge and compendium of literature, science and + art, but she is not the edition I can afford. She is gilt-edged and + morocco bound, and an ornament to any parlor, but I can't afford her. My + style is cloth, good substantial cloth, one dollar down and one dollar a + month until paid. As I might say.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER II. Susan + </h2> + <p> + Mrs. Tarbro-Smith had arranged the picnic herself, hoping to bring a + little pleasure into the dullness of the summer, enliven the interest in + the little church, and make a pleasant day for the people of Clarence, and + she had succeeded in this as in everything she had undertaken during her + summer in Iowa. As the leader of her own little circle of bright people in + New York, she was accustomed to doing things successfully, and perhaps she + was too sure of always having things her own way. As sister of the + world-famous author, Marriott Nolan Tarbro, she was always received with + consideration in New York, even by editors, but in seeking out a dead eddy + in middle Iowa she had been in search of the two things that the woman + author most desires, and best handles: local color and types. The editor + of MURRAY'S MAGAZINE had told her that his native ground—middle Iowa—offered + fresh material for her pen, and, intent on opening this new mine of local + color, she had stolen away without letting even her most intimate friends + know where she was going. To have her coming heralded would have put her + “types” on their guard, and for that reason she had assumed as an + impenetrable incognito one-half her name. No rays of reflected fame + glittered on plain Mrs. Smith. + </p> + <p> + While her literary side had found some pleasure in studying the people she + had fallen among, she was not able to recognize the distinctness of type + in them that the editor of MURRAY'S had led her to believe she should + find. She had hoped to discover in Clarence a type as sharply defined as + the New England Yankee or the York County Dutch of Pennsylvania, but she + could not see that the middle Iowan was anything but the average country + person such as is found anywhere in Illinois, Indiana, and Ohio, a type + that is hard to portray with fidelity, except with rather more skill than + she felt she had, since it is composed of innumerable ingredients drawn + not only from New England, but from nearly every State, and from all the + nations of Europe. However, her kindness of heart had been able to exert + itself bountifully, and she had had enough experience in her sundry + searches for local color to know that a lapse of time and of distance + would emphasize the types she was now seeing, and that by the middle of + the winter, when once more in her New York apartment, her present + experiences and observations would have the right perspective, and their + salient features would stand out more plainly. So she won the hearts of + her hostess, and of the dozen or more children of the house, with small + gifts, and overjoyed with this she set about making the whole community + happier. Little presents, smiles, and kind words meant so much to the + overworked, hopeless women, and her cheery manner was so pleasant to men + and children, that all worshipped her—clumsily and mutely, but + whole-heartedly. She was a fairy lady to them. + </p> + <p> + The truth was that, in her eagerness to secure the most vivid kind of + local color, she had gone a step too far. Clarence, with its decayed + sidewalks and rotting buildings, was not typical of middle Iowa any more + than a stagnant pool left by a receded river after a flood is typical of + the river itself. Before the days of railroads Clarence had been a lively + little town, but it was on the top of a hill, and, when the engineer of + the Jefferson Western Railroad had laid his ruler on the map and had drawn + a straight line across Iowa to represent the course of the road, Clarence + had been left ten or twelve miles to one side, and, as the town was not + important enough to justify spoiling the beauty of the straight line by + putting a curve in it, a station was marked on the road at the point + nearest Clarence, and called Kilo. For a while the new station was merely + a sidetrack on the level prairie, a convenience for the men of Clarence, + but before Clarence knew how it had happened Kilo was a flourishing town, + and the older town on the hill had begun to decay. Even while Clarence was + still sneering at Kilo as a sidetrack village, Kilo had begun to sneer at + Clarence as a played-out crossroads settlement. Clarence, when Mrs. + Tarbro-Smith visited it, was no more typical of middle Iowa than a sunfish + really resembles the sun. + </p> + <p> + In Clarence Mrs. Smith's best loved and best loving admirer was Susan, + daughter of her hostess, and, to Mrs. Smith, Susan was the long sought and + impossible—a good maid. From the first Susan had attached herself to + Mrs. Smith, and, for love and two dollars a week, she learned all that a + lady's maid should know. When Mrs. Smith asked her if she would like to go + to New York, Susan jumped up and down and clapped her hands. Susan was as + sweet and lovable as she was useful, and under Mrs. Smith's care she had + been transformed into such a thing of beauty that Clarence could hardly + recognize her. Instead of tow-colored hair, crowded back by means of a + black rubber comb, Susan had been taught a neat arrangement of her blonde + locks—so great is the magic of a few deft touches. Instead of being + a gawky girl of seventeen, in a faded blue calico wrapper, Susan, as + transformed by one of Mrs. Smith's simple white gowns, was a young lady. + She so worshipped Mrs. Smith that she imitated her in everything, even to + the lesser things, like motions of the hand, and tossings of the head. + </p> + <p> + When Mrs. Smith broached the matter of taking Susan to New York, she + received a shock from Mr. and Mrs. Bell. She had not for one moment + doubted that they would be delighted to find that Susan could have a good + home, good wages, and a city life, instead of the existence in such a town + as Clarence. + </p> + <p> + “Well, now,” Mr. Bell said, “we gotter sort o' talk it over, me an' ma, + 'fore we decide that. Susan's a'most our baby, she is. T'hain't but four + of 'em younger than what she is in our fambly. We'll let you know, hey?” + </p> + <p> + Ma and Pa Bell talked it over carefully and came to a decision. The + decision was that they had better talk it over with some of the neighbors. + The neighbors met at Bell's and talked it over openly in the presence of + Mrs. Smith. + </p> + <p> + They agreed that it would be a great chance for Susan, and they said that + no one could want a nicer, kinder lady for boss than what Mrs. Smith was—“but + 'tain't noways right to take no risks.” + </p> + <p> + “You see, ma'am,” said Ma Bell, “WE don't know who you are no more than + nothin', do we? And we do know how as them big towns is ungodly to beat + the band, don't we? I remember my grandma tellin' me when I was a little + girl about the awful goin's on she heard tell of one time when she was + down to Pittsburg, and I reckon New York must be twice the size of + Pittsburg was them days, so it must be twice as wicked. So we tell you + plain, without meanin' no harm, that WE don't know who you are, nor what + you'd do with Susan, once you got her to New York.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I now what you want,” said Mrs. Smith; “you want references.” + </p> + <p> + “Them's it,” said Mrs. Bell, with great relief. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Mrs. Smith, “that is easy. I know EVERYBODY in New York.” + </p> + <p> + She thought a moment. + </p> + <p> + “There's Mr. Murray, of MURRAY'S MAGAZINE,” she suggested, mentioning her + friend of the great monthly magazine. + </p> + <p> + “Guess we never heard of that,” said Mrs. Bell doubtfully. + </p> + <p> + “Then do you know the AEON MAGAZINE? I know the editor of AEON.” + </p> + <p> + The neighbors and Mrs. Bell looked at each other blankly, and shook their + heads. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Smith named ALL the magazines. She had contributed stories to most of + them, but not one was known, even by name, to her inquisitors. One shy old + lady asked faintly if she had ever heard of Mr. Tweed. She thought she had + heard of a Mister Tweed of New York, once. + </p> + <p> + Then, quite suddenly, Mrs. Smith remembered her own brother, the great + Marriott Nolan Tarbro, whose romances sold in editions of hundreds of + thousands, and who was, beyond all doubt, the greatest living novelist. + Kings had been glad to meet him, and newsboys and gamins ran shouting at + his heels when he walked the streets. + </p> + <p> + “How silly of me,” she said. “You must have heard of my brother, Marriott + Nolan Tarbro, you know, who wrote 'The Marquis of Glenmore' and 'The Train + Wreckers'?” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Bell coughed apologetically behind her hand. + </p> + <p> + “I'm not very littery, Mrs. Smith,” she said kindly, “but mebby Mrs. Stein + knows of him. Mrs. Stein reads a lot.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Stein, whose sole reading was the Bible and such advertising booklets + as came by mail, or as she could pick up on the counter of the drugstore, + when she went to Kilo, moved uneasily. For years she had had the + reputation of being a great reader, and brought face to face with the + sister of an author she feared her reputation was about to fall. + </p> + <p> + “What say his name was?” she asked. + </p> + <p> + “Tarbro,” said Mrs. Smith, as one would mention Shakespeare or Napoleon. + “Tarbro. Marriott Nolan Tarbro.” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Mrs. Stein slowly, turning her head on one side and looking + at the spot on the ceiling from which the plaster had fallen, “I won't say + I haven't. And I won't say I have. When a person reads as much as what I + do, she reads so many names they slip out of memory. Just this minute I + don't quite call him to mind. Mighty near, though; I mind a feller once + that peddled notions through here name of Tarbox. Might you know him?” + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Mrs. Smith, “I haven't the honor.” + </p> + <p> + “I thought mebby you might know him,” said Mrs. Stein. “His business took + him 'round considerable, and I thought mebby it might have took him to New + York, and that mebby you might have met him.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Bell sighed audibly. + </p> + <p> + “It's goin' to be an awful trial to Susan if she can't go,” she said; “but + I dunno WHAT to say. Seems like I oughtn't to say 'go,' an' yet I can't + abear to say 'stay.'” + </p> + <p> + “I MUST have Susan,” said Mrs. Smith, putting her arm about the girl. “I + know you can trust her with me.” + </p> + <p> + “Clementina,” said Mr. Bell suddenly, “why don't you leave it to the + minister? He'd settle it for the best. Why don't you leave it to him? + Hey?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, bless my stars,” said Mrs. Bell, brightening with relief, “I'd + ought to have thought of that long ago. He WOULD know what was for the + best. I'll ask him to-morrow.” + </p> + <p> + To-morrow was the picnic day. + </p> + <p> + As Mrs. Smith led the way for Eliph' Hewlitt, the minister left the group + of women who had clustered about him, and walked toward her. + </p> + <p> + “Sister Smith,” he said, in his grave, kind way, “Sister Bell tells me you + want to carry off our little Susan. You know we must be wise as serpents + and gentle as doves I deciding, and”—he laid his hand on her arm—“though + I doubt not all will be well, I must think over the matter a while. + Welcome, brother,” he added, offering his hand to Eliph' Hewlitt. + </p> + <p> + The little book agent shook it warmly. + </p> + <p> + “'I was a stranger and ye took me in,'” he said glibly. “Fine weather for + a picnic.” + </p> + <p> + His eyes glowed. To meet the minister first of all! This was good, indeed. + Years of experience had taught him to seek the minister first. To start + the round of a small community with the prestige of having sold the + minister himself a copy of Jarby's Encyclopedia made success a certainty. + </p> + <p> + He took the oilcloth-covered parcel from beneath his arm, and handed it to + the minister gently, lovingly. + </p> + <p> + “Keep it until the picnic is over,” he said. “I'm a book agent. I sell + books. THIS is the book I sell. Take it away and hide it, so I can forget + it and be happy. Don't let me have it until the picnic is over. PLEASE + don't!” + </p> + <p> + He stretched out his arms in freedom, and the minister smiled and led the + way toward the place where a buggy cushion had been laid on the grass as + his seat of honor. + </p> + <p> + “I will retain the book,” said the minister, with a smile, “although I + don't think you can sell the book here. My brethren in Clarence are not + readers. I read little myself. We are poor; we have no time to read. + Except the Bible, I know of but one book in this entire community. Sister + Dawson has a copy of Bunyan's sublime work, 'Pilgrim's Progress.' It was + an heirloom. Be seated,” he said, and Eliph' Hewlitt seated himself + Turk-fashion, on the sod. + </p> + <p> + The minister took the book carefully on his knees. Even to feel a new book + was a pleasure he did not often have, and his fingers itched upon it. + </p> + <p> + In three minutes Eliph' Hewlitt knew the entire story of Mrs. Smith and + Susan, so far as it was known to the minister, and he leaned over and + tapped with his forefinger the book on the minister's knee. + </p> + <p> + “Open it,” he said. + </p> + <p> + The minister removed the wrapper. + </p> + <p> + “Page 6, Index,” said Eliph' Hewlitt, turning the pages. He ran his finger + down the page, and up and down page 7, stopped at a line on page 8, and + hastily turned over the pages of the book. At page 974 he laid the book + open, and the minister adjusted his spectacles and read where the book + agent pointed. Then he pushed his spectacles up on his forehead and looked + carefully at the picnickers. He singled out Mrs. Tarbro-Smith, and waved + her toward him with his hand. She came and stood before him. + </p> + <p> + The minister wiped his spectacles on his handkerchief, readjusted them on + his nose, and bent over the book. + </p> + <p> + “What is your brother's name?” he asked kindly, but with solemnity. + </p> + <p> + “Marriott Nolan Tarbro,” she answered. + </p> + <p> + He traced the lines carefully with his finger. + </p> + <p> + “Born?” he asked. + </p> + <p> + “June 4, 1864, at Tarrytown-on-the-Hudson.” + </p> + <p> + “And he is married?” + </p> + <p> + “Married Amanda Rogers Long, at Newport, Rhode Island, June 14, 1895.” + </p> + <p> + “Where is he living now?” he asked. + </p> + <p> + “Last year he was living in New York—I am a widow, as you know—but + last fall he went to Algiers.” + </p> + <p> + “The book says Algiers. What-er-clubs is he a member of?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, yes,” said Mrs. Smith; “The Authors and The Century.” + </p> + <p> + “I have no doubt,” said the minister, “from what the book says, and what + you say, that you are indeed the sister of this—ah—celebrated”—he + looked at the book—“celebrated novelist, who is a man of such + standing that he received—ah—several more lines in this work + than the average, more, in fact, than Talmage, more than Beecher, and more + than the present governor of the State of Iowa. I think I may safely + advise Mrs. Bell to let Susan go with you.” + </p> + <p> + “One!” said Eliph' Hewlitt quickly. “That's just ONE question that came up + flaring, and was mashed flat by Jarby's Encyclopedia of Knowledge and + Compendium of Literature, Science and Art, a book in which are ten + thousand and one subjects, fully treated by the best minds of the + nineteenth and twentieth centuries. One subject for every day in the year + for twenty-seven years, and some left over. Religion, politics, + literature, every subject under the sun, gathered in one grand colossal + encyclopedia with an index so simple that a child can understand it. See + page 768, 'Texts, Biblical; Hints for Sermons; The Art of Pulpit + Eloquence.' No minister should be without it. See page 1046, 'Pulpit + Orators—Golden Words of the Greatest, comprising selections from + Spurgeon, Robertson, Talmage, Beecher, Parkhurst,' et cetery. A book that + should be in every home. Look at 'P': Poets, Great. Poison, Antidotes for. + Poker, Rules of. Poland, History and Geography of, with Map. Pomeroy, + Brick. Pomatum, How to Make. Ponce de Leon, Voyages and Life of. Pop, + Ginger,' et cetery, et cetery. The whole for the small sum of five + dollars, bound in cloth, one dollar down and one dollar a month until + paid.” + </p> + <p> + The minister turned the pages slowly. + </p> + <p> + “It seems a worthy book,” he said hesitatingly. + </p> + <p> + Eliph' Hewlitt looked at Mrs. Smith, with a question in his eyes. + </p> + <p> + She nodded. + </p> + <p> + “Ah!” he said. “Mrs. Smith, sister of the well-known novelist, Marriott + Nolan Tarbro, takes two copies of Jarby's Encyclopedia of Knowledge and + Compendium of Literature, Science and Art, bound in full morocco, one of + which she begs to present to the worthy pastor of this happy flock, with + her compliments and good wishes.” + </p> + <p> + “I can't thank you,” stammered the minister; “it is so kind. I have so few + books, and so few opportunities of securing them.” + </p> + <p> + Eliph' Hewlitt held out his hand for the sample volume. + </p> + <p> + “When you have this book,” he declared, “you NEED no others. It makes a + Carnegie library of the humblest home.” + </p> + <p> + The entire picnic had gradually gathered around him. + </p> + <p> + “Ladies and gents,” he said, “I have come to bring knowledge and power + where ignorance and darkness have lurked. This volume——” + </p> + <p> + He stopped and handed his sample to the minister. + </p> + <p> + “Introduce me to the lady in the blue dress,” he said to Mrs. Smith, and + she stepped forward and made them acquainted. + </p> + <p> + “Miss Briggs, this is Mr——” + </p> + <p> + “Hewlitt,” he said quickly, “Eliph' Hewlitt.” + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Hewlitt,” said Mrs. Smith. “Miss Sally Briggs of Kilo.” + </p> + <p> + “I'm glad to know you, Miss Briggs,” said Eliph' Hewlitt. “I hope we may + become well acquainted. As I was sayin' to Mrs. Smith, I'm a book agent.” + </p> + <p> + For the chapter on Jarby's Encyclopedia that dealt with “Courtship—How + to Win the Affections,” said that the first step necessary was to become + well acquainted with the one whose affections it was desired to win. It + was not Eliph' Hewlitt way to waste time when making a sale of Jarby's, + and he felt that no more delay was necessary in disposing of his heart. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER III. “How to Win the Affections” + </h2> + <p> + Miss Sally glanced hurriedly around, seeking some retreat to which she + could fly. Mrs. Smith, having introduced Eliph' Hewlitt, had turned away, + and the other picnickers were gathered around the minister, looking over + his shoulders at the copy of Jarby's Encyclopedia. Although she could have + no idea, as yet, that Eliph' Hewlitt had decided to marry her, Miss Sally + was afraid of him. She was a dainty little woman, with just a few gray + hairs tucked out of sight under the brown ones, but although she was + ordinarily able to hold her own, each year that was added to her life made + her more afraid of book agents. + </p> + <p> + Time after time she had succumbed to the wiles of book agents. It made no + difference how she received them, nor how she steeled her heart against + their plausible words, she always ended buying whatever they had to sell, + and after that it was a fight to get the money from her father with which + to pay the installments. Pap Briggs objected to paying out money for + anything, but he considered that about the most useless thing he could + spend money for was a book. Whenever he heard there was a book agent in + Kilo he acted like a hen when she sees a hawk in the sky, ready to pounce + down upon her brood, and he pottered around and scolded and complained and + warned Miss Sally to beware, and then in the end the book agent always + made the sale, and Miss Sally felt as if she had committed seven or eight + deadly sins, and it made her life miserable. Only a few months before she + had fallen prey to a man who had sold her a set of Sir Walter Scott's + Complete Works, two dollars down, and one dollar a month, and she felt + that the work of urging the monthly dollar out of her father's pocket was + all she could stand. + </p> + <p> + Why and how she bought books always remained a mystery to her; it is a + mystery to many book buyers how they happen to buy books. Book agents + seemed to have a mesmerizing effect on Miss Sally, as serpents daze birds + before they devour them. The process applied between the time when she + stated with the utmost positiveness that she did not want, and would not + buy, a book, and the time, a few minutes later, when she signed her name + to the agent's list of subscribers, was something she could not fathom. + </p> + <p> + And now she had been left face to face with a book agent, actually + introduced to him, and her father still under monthly miseries on account + of Sir Walter Scott's Complete Works. + </p> + <p> + “I don't want any books to-day,” said Miss Sally nervously, when she saw + that she could not run away. + </p> + <p> + “And I'm not going to sell you any,” said Eliph' Hewlitt cheerfully. He + had studied Miss Sally thoroughly, with the quick eye of the experienced + book agent who has learned to read character at sight, and he had decided + that no more suitable Mrs. Hewlitt was he apt to find. “And I'm not going + to SELL you any,” he repeated. “This is picnic day, and I'm not selling + books, although I may say there is no day in the whole year when Jarby's + Encyclopedia of Knowledge and Compendium of Literature, Science and Art is + not needed. It is a book that contains a noble thought or useful hint for + every hour of every day from the cradle to the grave, comprising ten + thousand and one subjects, neatly bound.” + </p> + <p> + “I don't want one,” said Miss Sally, backing away. “I don't live here, and + you might do better selling it to someone who does.” + </p> + <p> + Eliph' Hewlitt's eyes beamed kindly through his spectacles. + </p> + <p> + “It is just as useful to them that is traveling as to them that is home,” + he said, “if not more so. If you ever took a copy along with you on your + travels you would never travel again without it. Take the chapter on + 'Traveling,' for instance, page 46.” He looked around, as if he would have + liked to get his sample copy, but it was in such a number of eager hands + that he turned back to Miss Sally. “Take the directions on Sleeping Cars,” + he said. “For that one thing alone the book is worth its price to anyone + going to travel by rail. It gives full instructions how much to give the + porter, how to choose a berth, how to undress in an upper berth without + damage to the traveler or the car, et cetery. And, when you consider that + that is but one of the ten thousand and one things mentioned in this + volume, you can see that it is really giving it away when I sell it, + neatly bound in cloth, for five dollars.” + </p> + <p> + “I don't think I want one,” said Miss Sally doubtfully, for she was + beginning to fall under the spell. + </p> + <p> + “No!” said Eliph' firmly. “No! You don't. And I don't want to SELL you + one. Nothing ain't farther from my mind than wanting to sell you a copy of + that book. Just rest perfectly easy about THAT, Miss Briggs. We'll put + 'Literature, Science, and Art' to one side and enjoy the delights of the + open air, and, if I happen to say anything that sounds like book, just you + excuse me, for I don't mean it. Mebby I DO get to talking about that book + when I don't mean to, for it is a book that a man that knows it as well as + I do just can't HELP talking about. It's a wonderful book. It is a book + that has all the wisdom and knowledge of the world condensed into one + volume, including five hundred ennobling thoughts form the world's great + authors, inclusive of the prose and poetical gems of all ages, beginning + on page 201, sixty-two solid pages of them, with vingetty portraits of the + authors, this being but one of the many features that make the book + helpful to all people of refinement and mind. Now, when you take a book + like that and bind it in a neat cloth cover, making it an ornament to any + center table in the country, and sell it for the small price of five + dollars, it is not selling it; it is giving it away. Five dollars, neatly + bound in cloth, one dollar down, and one dollar a month until paid.” + </p> + <p> + Miss Sally looked hopelessly toward the sample copy, which the minister + was still exhibiting to the picnickers with real pleasure. She was + enthralled, but she was puzzled. Never had she bought a book that she had + not first looked through. Invariably the agent had begun his dissertation + on the book's merits by an explanation of the illuminated frontispiece—if + it had one—and ended by turning the last page to show the sheet + where she must sign her name, underneath those of “the other leading + citizens of this town.” There was something wrong, but she was not quite + sure what it was. She glanced back at the eager face of Eliph' Hewlitt, + and mistook the glow of “Affection, How to Hold it When Won,” for the + intense glance of the predatory book seller. + </p> + <p> + “I'll take a copy,” she said recklessly. + </p> + <p> + Eliph' Hewlitt's face clouded, and he put out his hand as if to ward off a + blow. + </p> + <p> + “No, you won't!” he said, with distress. “You don't want one, and I won't + sell you one.” + </p> + <p> + He cast his mind quickly over the chapter on “Courtship—How to Win + the Affections,” and recalled its directions. He wished he had the book in + his hands, so that he could turn to the chapter and freshen his memory, + but the first direction was, certainly, to become well acquainted. + </p> + <p> + “I don't want to sell you one,” he said more gently. “I want to sit down + on this nice grass and get acquainted. You and me are both strangers here, + and I guess we ought to talk to each other.” + </p> + <p> + He seated himself as he said the word, and crossed his legs, Turk-fashion, + and looked up at Miss Sally, with an invitation in his eyes. For a minute + she stood looking down at him doubtfully. She was unable to understand the + actions of this new variety of book agent that refused to sell books after + talking up to the selling point, and she suddenly remembered that she was + away from home, and that the book was sold on installments. She flushed. + Did his refusal to sell imply that she might not be able to pay the + installments? + </p> + <p> + “I'll take a copy of that book, IF you please,” she said haughtily. “I + guess there ain't no question but that I'm able to PAY for it. I've bought + books before, and paid for them; and I guess I'm just as able to pay as + most folks you sell to. If you've any doubt about it, there's references I + can give right here in Clarence that will satisfy you.” + </p> + <p> + Eliph' Hewlitt coughed gently behind his hand, and stroked his whiskers, + as he looked up at the indignant Miss Briggs. He did not want to sell her + a book' it would place him in her mind once, and, probably, for all, as + one of the tribe of book agents, and nothing more. Yet he could not offend + her. He might compromise by giving her a copy, but the chapter on + “Courtship—How to Win the Affections,” distinctly advised this as a + later act. First it was necessary to become well acquainted; then it was + advisable to proceed to give small presents, books or flowers or sweets + being particularly mentioned, and Eliph' Hewlitt would never have thought + of doing first the thing Jarby's Encyclopedia advised doing second. He had + been selling Jarby's for many years. He had seen the “talking feature” of + the colored plates of the Civil War pass, and had seen them succeeded by + colored plates of the Franco-Prussian War, and had seen these make way for + colored plates of one war after another until the present plates of the + Spanish War appeared, and through all these changes in the last chapter he + had studied the book until he knew its contents as well as he knew his + “two—times—two.” He could recite the book forward or backward, + read it upside down—as a book agent has to read a book when it is in + a customer's lap—or sideways, and could turn promptly to nearly any + word in it without hesitation. The more he studied it the more he loved it + and admired it and believed in it. It was his whole literature, and he + found it to be sufficient. If he saw a thing in Jarby's he knew it was so, + and if it was not in Jarby's it was not worth knowing. Under such + circumstances he could not make Miss Sally a present of the book until he + and she had first become well acquainted. Jarby's said so. He scrambled + hurriedly to his feet. + </p> + <p> + “Miss Briggs,” he said earnestly, “You ain't near guessing the reason why + I don't want to sell you a copy of the world-famous volume. You ain't + nowhere near it at all. If I was to tell you what the reason was I guess + you'd be surprised. But I ain't going to tell you. It ain't because you + can't pay for it, for if it was a library of one thousand volumes at ten + dollars a volume, ten dollars down and ten dollars a month, I'd be glad to + take your order. And it ain't because I ain't going to sell any more + copies here, because I am, and I'm going to sell all I can, right here at + this picnic, just to show you what I can do when I try. But I ain't going + to sell you one. I've got a good reason.” + </p> + <p> + Miss Sally was not fully pacified by this, for now she was sure she had + guessed the reason Eliph' Hewlitt did not want to sell her a copy. She + imagined now that some book agent had told him of her father's aversion to + books—when they had to be paid for—and that Eliph' Hewlitt was + willing to forego a sale rather than lead her into new trouble with her + father. Possibly he had met the Walter Scott man. She turned away. + </p> + <p> + “I guess I'll go and help Mrs. Smith lay out the lunch,” she said, as the + easiest way to be rid of the annoyance. + </p> + <p> + “I guess I'll go, too,” said Eliph' Hewlitt promptly and cheerfully. “I'm + a good hand at that. It tells all about it in Jarby's Encyclopedia. Look + under 'P': 'Picnic Lunches. Picnic, How to Organize and Conduct. Picnic, + Origin of,' et cetery, et cetery. A book that contains all the knowledge + in the world condensed into one volume, with lives of all the world's + great men, from Adam to Roosevelt, and the dying words of them that is + dead.” + </p> + <p> + Miss Sally turned on him sharply. + </p> + <p> + “Goodness sakes!” she exclaimed, “I wish you would either sell me a copy + of that book or keep still about it. Ain't I going to have no peace at + all?” + </p> + <p> + “I didn't mention it, did I?” asked Eliph' Hewlitt innocently, and he did + not know that he had. “I was speaking of this happy gathering. Ain't it + pretty to see all kinds of folks gathered together this way to make each + other happier? It's like a living Jarby's Encyclopedia of Knowledge and + Compendium of Literature, Science and Art, a little of everything in one + volume, and all of it good. All the good things from parson to pickles. I + suppose you put up your own pickles, don't you?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I do,” said Miss Sally, who was now walking toward where the ladies + were unpacking the lunch. “Why do you ask it?” + </p> + <p> + “It called to my mind the recipe for making pickles that is in Jarby's + Encyclopedia,” said Eliph', unmindful of the look of anger that flushed + Miss Sally's face at the mention of that book. “Them that has tried it + says it is the best they have ever used. That and seven hundred and + ninety-nine other tested recipes, all contained in the chapter called 'The + Complete Kitchen Guide,' see page 100, including roasts, fries, pastry, + cakes, bread, puddings, entrées, soups, how to make candy, how to clean + brass, copper, silver, tin, et cetery, et cetery. Them that uses Jarby's + tested recipes as given in this volume, uses no other.” + </p> + <p> + There was a stiffening of Miss Sally's back as she walked ahead of him, + and even Eliph' Hewlitt could not fail to observe it. It told plainly that + if he could have seen her lips he would have seen them close firmly, and + he made haste to reassure her. + </p> + <p> + “I ain't trying to sell you a book,” he said, taking a quicker step to + reach her side, but she hurried the more as he did so, and crowded in + among the other women so that he could not follow. He stood a moment + watching her, but she began talking rapidly to one of the women, ignoring + him conspicuously, and he coughed gently behind his hand, as if to + apologize for her affront, and then walked away. + </p> + <p> + He could not account for his poor success in getting well acquainted with + Miss Sally, and he began to fear that he had not fully understood the + directions given by Jarby's Encyclopedia in the chapter on “Courtship—How + to Win the Affections.” He realized that he had used that chapter less + often in talking up a sale than he had used any other, and that for that + reason he had studied it less closely, and he saw now, more than ever, + that there was no chapter in the whole book that a possessor could afford + to neglect. He walked over to where the minister was still holding the + book, but now holding it closed in his lap, and he asked politely if he + might have it for a few minutes. The minister handed it to him, and + Eliph', walking to where one of the smaller trees of the grove made a spot + of shade, seated himself, and fixed his eyes on the chapter on “Courtship—How + to Win the Affections.” + </p> + <p> + For the first time in his life he was unable to fix his attention firmly + on the pages of Jarby's Encyclopedia. His eyes insisted on turning to + where Miss Sally moved about the cloth spread on the grass; the tablecloth + on which green bugs and black bugs and brown bugs were already parading, + as bugs always do at a picnic. Occasionally he stroked his sandy-gray + whiskers, and whenever she turned her face in his direction he cast his + eyes upon his book, but he could not read. + </p> + <p> + He hoped he would have the good fortune to be seated next to Miss Sally + when the lunch time came, and he had little doubt that he would be near + her, for it was likely that he and she, being strangers, would be put near + the minister. He closed the book, seeing at length that it was impossible + for him to read it, and, as the men began to bring the cushions from the + buggies and place them around the cloth, he arose and went to bring his + own to add to the supply. As he reached the fence, a barefoot boy, mounted + on a horse with no other saddle than a blanket, came galloping down the + road, and stopped before him. + </p> + <p> + “Say,” said the boy, wide-eyed with importance, “is Sally Briggs in + there?” + </p> + <p> + Eliph' said she was. + </p> + <p> + “Well, say,” said the boy, “she's got to go home to Kilo, right away. Her + dad telephoned up, and he don't know whether he's dying or not, and she's + got to go right home.” + </p> + <p> + Eliph' turned and hurried to where Miss Sally was standing. + </p> + <p> + “I hope it ain't nothing serious, Miss Briggs,” he said, “but that boy has + come to give you a message that come by telephone. I think your father + ain't well.” + </p> + <p> + Miss Sally dropped the cake she was holding, and ran to the fence. + </p> + <p> + “What is it?” she gasped. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said the boy, “my dad was in the post office just now, and the + telephone bell rang, and he looked around to see where Julius was, and + Julius he had gone outside to see what Mr. Fogarty, from up to the + Corners, wanted. I don't know what he wanted. Pa didn't tell me. I don't + know as pa knew, anyway, but I guess he wanted something, or else he + wouldn't have motioned Julius to go out, unless he just wanted to talk to + Julium. Mebby he just wanted to ask Julius if there was any mail for him. + So pa answered the telephone.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, what did it say?” asked Miss Sally impatiently. + </p> + <p> + “You've got a pa, haven't you?” asked the boy. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said Miss Sally. + </p> + <p> + “Well, has he got false teeth?” asked the boy. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said Miss Sally more impatiently. + </p> + <p> + “Well, that's all right, then,” said the boy. “Pa couldn't tell exactly + whether it was false teeth or not, the telephone at the post office works + so poor, and pa ain't no hand at it, anyhow. He said it sounded like false + teeth. So you pa wants you to come right home to Kilo. Mebby he's dying.” + </p> + <p> + “Dying!” cried Miss Sally, as white as a sheet. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, mebby he is,” continued the boy. “He ain't right sure, but he says + you'd better come right home, so if he IS dying you'll be on hand. And, if + he ain't, you can help him hunt for them. He says he went to bed last + night, same as always, but he don't recall whether he took out his false + set of teeth or left them in, and he ain't sure whether he swallowed them + last night, or put them down somewheres and lost them. He says he's got a + pain like he swallowed them, but he ain't sure but what it's some of the + cooking he's been doing that give him that, and anyway he wants you to + come right home.” + </p> + <p> + “Goodness sakes!” exclaimed Miss Sally, “why don't he go see Doc Weaver?” + </p> + <p> + The boy shook his head. + </p> + <p> + “I don't know,” he said. “I guess pa didn't think to ask him that. I'll + have to ask him when I git back.” + </p> + <p> + The departure of Miss Sally made a break in the orderly progress of the + picnic, for it not only terminated her part of the day's pleasures, but + also cut short her visit in Clarence, and she had to say farewell to all + the picnickers before she could go. + </p> + <p> + Eliph' Hewlitt offered to drive her to Clarence, but she refused him, and + arranged to have one of the young boys, who had a faster horse, drive her + to Kilo. The whole picnic leaned over the rail fence and watched until she + was out of sight, and then went on with the lunch, which was just ready + when her summons came. + </p> + <p> + It was a severe blow to Eliph' Hewlitt. He had hoped to have carried his + courtship so far during the day that it would have been at least to the + third paragraph of the first page of “Courtship—How to Win the + Affections,” and now Miss Sally had left, and he had not progressed at + all. It reminded him of the quotation in the Alphabet of Quotations, in + Jarby's Encyclopedia, “The Course of True Love Never Did Run Smooth.” + </p> + <p> + Miss Sally's departure, however, and the strange circumstance of it, + allowed him to ask questions about her and about Kilo that he could not + otherwise have asked. He learned how far she would have to travel to reach + Kilo, who her father was, and all that he wished to know. He decided that + the only course for him to follow was to omit his canvass of the + interlying farms and of the town of Clarence for the present, and follow + Miss Sally to Kilo. + </p> + <p> + When the picnic ended, Irontail had released the rein, and Eliph' Hewlitt + drove off, well pleased with his day's work. He had not only secured a + wife—for he had no doubt that it only needed an application of the + rules set forth in Jarby's Encyclopedia in order to “Win the Affections” + of Miss Sally, and “Hold Them When Won,” but he took with him + subscriptions for sixteen volumes of Jarby's Encyclopedia of Knowledge and + Compendium of Literature, Science and Art, bound in cloth, five dollars, + and two bound in morocco, at seven fifty. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IV. Kilo + </h2> + <p> + The next evening Jim Wilkins, landlord of the Kilo House and proprietor of + the Kilo Livery, Feed and Sale Stable, was sitting in front of his hotel, + with his chair tipped back against the wall, trading bits of indolent + gossip with Pap Briggs, when Eliph' Hewlitt drove his horse Irontail down + Main Street, and pulled up before the hotel. Pap Briggs had not swallowed + his store teeth; he had not even worn them to bed, and Miss Sally found + them on top of the pump in the back yard, where Pap had doubtless put them + when he went to pump himself a drink. He often lost them, as he wore them + more for ornament than for use, and commonly removed them when he wished + to talk, eat, or laugh. It was Sally who made him buy them, and he wore + them more for her sake than for any other reason, and he was always + uncomfortable with them, for they were a plain, unmistakable misfit, and + felt, as he said, “like I got my mouth full o' tenpenny nails.” When out + of Sally's sight he avoided this feeling by carrying them in his hand, + hidden in his red bandana handkerchief. About town he used to show them + with a great deal of pride, and openly boasted of their cost and beauty. + On Sunday he wore them all day. + </p> + <p> + Whenever Eliph' Hewlitt drove into a town he looked about with a seeing + eye, for he had learned to judge the capacity of a place for Jarby's + Encyclopedia by the appearance of the town, but as he drove into Kilo he + was more than usually interested. If this was the home of Miss Sally + Briggs, it followed that when he had completed his courtship, and had won + her affections and held them, it would be his home, also, and he was + curious to see whether it was a town he would like or not like. He liked + it. It was a real American town, and it looked like a good business town, + because there could be no possible reason for people building a town on + that particular situation unless it was for business. + </p> + <p> + The town was built on a flat space, and the country was flat on all sides + of it. It was on no river, brook, or creek. It was as unbeautiful in + location as it was in architecture. It was just a homely, common, busy + little Iowa village, and even so late in the evening it was as hot as + Sahara; but Eliph' Hewlitt knew it at once for a good town, for the street + was knee deep in dust, which meant much trade, and the four buildings at + the corners of Main and Cross Streets were of brick, which meant + profitable business. There were a couple of other brick buildings on Main + Street, and one or two with “tin” fronts, and of the other business places + only one or two were so ramshackle that they looked as if their firmer + neighbors were holding them up, letting the weaker structures lean against + them as a strong man might support an invalid. + </p> + <p> + Eliph' Hewlitt liked the town; it was just his idea of what a town should + be, not much as to style, but business-like. There were two full blocks of + Main Street devoted to business, and nearly half a block of Cross Street + was given over to the same purpose, and the dwellings were well scattered + over the surrounding level tract. Three or four of the dwellings “out Main + Street” had conspicuous lawns that had felt the blades of a lawn mower, + but most of the yards were merely grass, with flower beds filled with the + more hardy kinds of flowers, such as would grow tall and show over the top + of the surrounding grass. The plank walks, which on Main and Cross Streets + were made of boards laid crossways, tapered down into narrow walks with + the boards—two of them—laid lengthways very soon after the + stores were passed, and a little farther out became dirt paths along the + fences, and beyond that pedestrians were supposed to walk on the road. But + most of the houses were painted, either freshly, or at least not + anciently. + </p> + <p> + The corner of Main and Cross Streets, the business center of Kilo, was + like the business centers of other small country towns. A long hitching + rail extended at the side of the street before the buildings on each + corner, and the dirt beneath was worn away by the scraping of the feet of + the many horses that had been tied to the rails. Just below the corner, on + Cross Street, were other holes worn by tossing horseshoes at pegs, which, + if America was composed of small towns only, would be our national game. + </p> + <p> + It was a good little town, and Eliph' Hewlitt was pleased. + </p> + <p> + On one of the corners of Main Street stood the Kilo Hotel, and before it + Eliph' checked the slow gait of Irontail. + </p> + <p> + Jim Wilkins, the landlord, tipped his chair forward, and got out of it + with a grunt of laziness. + </p> + <p> + “Hotel running?” asked Eliph' Hewlitt briskly. + </p> + <p> + “You might call it runnin' if you wasn't dictionary—particular what + you called it,” said the landlord. “If you had to keep it you'd more + likely say it was tryin' to learn to walk. But it's open for business. + Want your rig put up?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” admitted Eliph'. “I've had my supper.” + </p> + <p> + “That's all right,” said the landlord cheerfully. “I'm sort of glad of it; + save the old lady gittin' up a meal. I was just tellin' Pap Briggs here + that I figgered Kilo had the hottest mean summer temperature, and the + meanest hot summer temperature on earth, and it's hotter over a kitchen + stove than anywheres else. We generally have cold suppers in this here + hotel, unless some guest happens in. Hey, S. Potts! Come here and git this + feller's horse!” + </p> + <p> + The livery stable was convenient, just around the corner on Cross Street, + and S. Potts came lankly and lazily around the corner. He stood and looked + at Irontail a minute critically, and then felt the horse's hocks and shook + his head at the result of his investigation. Then he opened Irontail's + mouth and looked at his teeth. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I'll be hanged!” he said, and he called around the corner, “Hey, + Daniel!” and from the livery stable came a very old man. + </p> + <p> + “Look at this,” said S. Potts, opening Irontail's mouth again, and Daniel + looked and shook his head, as S. Potts had done. + </p> + <p> + “And feel this,” said S. Potts, putting his hand on Irontail's hock again. + Daniel felt as he was told, and again shook his head. + </p> + <p> + “Now, what do you make of that?” asked S. Potts triumphantly. + </p> + <p> + “I dunno what to make of it, S. Potts,” said the old man, shaking his + head. “What do you make of it?” + </p> + <p> + The landlord broke in upon the conversation with sudden energy. + </p> + <p> + “Look here,” he said, “you git that horse around to the stable, and shut + up,” and S. Potts and Daniel hastily clambered into the buggy and drove + around the corner. + </p> + <p> + “I wonder if anything's the matter with my horse?” said Eliph'. + </p> + <p> + “Matter?” laughed Jim Wilkins. “That's just S. Potts tryin' to show off + before strangers, like he always does. He don't mean no harm, but he can't + be satisfied to just come around and git a horse and lead it to the + stable. He's got to draw attention to hisself or he ain't happy. He's + harmless, but he's just naturally one of the know-it-all-kind, and he's + got to show off.” + </p> + <p> + There is no man in a small town who can give such a satisfying and + official welcome to a stranger as that given by the liveryman, and when + the landlord of the hotel and the owner of the livery stable are combined + in one man he is better than a reception committee composed of the mayor + and the leading citizens. He is glad to see the stranger, and he lets him + know it. He has a gruff, hearty, and not too servile manner, and a way of + speaking of the men of the town and the farmers of the surrounding country + as if he owned them. Having bought horses of many of them, he knows their + bad traits, and he has an air of knowing much more than he would willingly + tell regarding them. He is not inquisitive about the stranger's business, + and is willing to give him information. Probably it is his trade of buying + and selling and renting horses that gives him such a flavor of his own, + for he knows that the horses he lets out on livery are often as + intelligent as the men who hire them. He comes as near the chivalric model + of the old Southern planter as a Northern business man can, but his slaves + are horses, and his overseer the hostler. He is a man in authority, even + though is authority is over horses. + </p> + <p> + Modern civilization has few finer sights and sounds than the liveryman + when he is asked if he has a horse he can let out for a ten-mile drive + into the country. He looks at the supplicant doubtfully; “Well, I dunno,” + he says, “where was it you wanted to drive to?” He receives the answer + with a non-committal air. “That's nearer fourteen mile than ten,” he says + and then turns to the hostler. “Say, Potts, Billy's out, ain't he?” Potts + growls out the answer, “Doc Weaver's got him out. Won't be back till + seven.” The liveryman pulls slowly at his cigar, and runs his hand over + his hair. “How's the bay mare's hoof today?” he asks. Potts shakes his + head. “That's right,” says the liveryman, “it don't do to take no chances + with a hoof like that. And we haven't got a thing else in the barn except + that black horse, have we, Potts?” “Everything else out,” says Potts. The + liveryman walks away a few steps, and then turns suddenly. “Hitch up the + black, Potts,” he says, with an air of sudden recklessness. “Put him in + that light, side-bar buggy of Doc Weaver's. Want a hitching strap? Put in + a hitching strap, Potts. AND that new whip.” + </p> + <p> + The result is that you get the horse and buggy the liveryman intended you + to have from the minute he saw you coming toward him down the street, but + you get it with a fine touch of style that is worth much in this dollar + and cent world. Potts drives the rig around to where you are standing, and + the liveryman sends Potts back to get a clean laprobe instead of the one + that is in the buggy. He pats the horse on the neck as you climb in, and + as you pick up the reins he says, as if conferring a parting favor that + money could not repay, “Keep a fair tight rein on him; it's the first time + he has been out of the stable to-day.” + </p> + <p> + Eliph' Hewlitt, in his travels, had learned the value of the liveryman. He + used him as friend and directory. None else could tell him so well where + the prosperous farmers lived, nor who was most likely to fall a victim to + Jarby's Encyclopedia in the town itself. From the liveryman he could learn + which minister, if there were more than one, would be the best to have + head his list of subscribers, which lady was head of the Society, and what + society she was head of. He took one of the chairs that were ranged along + the side of the hotel, and laid his sample across his knees. He chose the + chair that was next to Pap Briggs, for he was ready to become acquainted + with the man he intended soon to have for a father-in-law. + </p> + <p> + “Nice town you got here,” he said. + </p> + <p> + “She's purty good,” agreed Pap, “except for taxes. Taxes is eternal high, + and it's all us propputy owners can do to keep 'em from goin' clean out o' + sight. City council don't seem to care a dumb how high they git. I wish't + I'd stayed on my farm.” + </p> + <p> + “Taxes ain't so high here as what they are in Jefferson, Pap,” suggested + the landlord. “If you lived down there they'd make you holler, all right.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, Jim,” said Pap, “they ain't much choice. If these here young + fellers git their way taxes will go right up. What do they want to + decorate this here town all up for, anyhow? What you think young Toole was + sayin' to me to-day? He was sayin' it was a disgrace to Kilo to have the + public square rented out an' a crop o' buckwheat growin' in it. He says we + ought to plant it in grass an' stick a fountain in the middle. But that's + the way she goes; anything to raise up the taxes. All I says to him was, + 'All right, who'll pump water to make the fountain squirt? Suppose the + taxpayers 'll take turns, hey?'” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said the landlord, “I ain't in favor of a fountain, myself. I + reckon a nice piece of statuary would look better, so long as we ain't got + water works to make the fountain fount out water. But it don't look right + to have a public square rented out to grow buckwheat in. It ain't + city-like.” + </p> + <p> + “It brings in seven dollars a year to the town,” said Pap, “an' that's + better than payin' out good money for statuary. I'm agin high taxes every + time. It costs too much to live, anyhow, especially when you've got a + daughter to support, and no money comin' in, to speak of. And just when + some does come in, along comes a pesky book agent or somethin' and fools + the women out of the money. They ought to be a law agin book agent. City + council ought to put a license on 'em, and keep 'em out of town.” + </p> + <p> + “Some towns,” he said softly, “do have licenses against book agents. One + of the relics of the dark ages, but abolished wherever the light o' + culture is loved and esteemed. What so helpful as the book? What so + comforting? What so uplifting? And who but the book agent carries help and + comfort and uplift, and leaves it scattered around, one dollar down and + one dollar a month until paid; who but the humble but useful book agent? + To mention but one book, Jarby's Encyclopedia of Knowledge and Compendium + of Literature, Science and Art has carried wisdom into a million homes, + making each better and brighter. It is a book that makes the toil of the + day easy, by giving one thousand and one hints and helps, and that + sweetens rest after toil, by quotations from all the world's great + authors. In this one book——” + </p> + <p> + Pap Briggs had put his hands on the arm of his chair, preparing to run + away, but the landlord leaned forward and looked in Eliph' Hewlitt's face. + </p> + <p> + “Say,” he said, “is your name Mills?” + </p> + <p> + “Hewlitt,” said the book agent, “Eliph' Hewlitt.” + </p> + <p> + He turned to the landlord and looked him fairly in the face, and as he + looked the air of suspicion that had suddenly shone in his eyes vanished. + </p> + <p> + “Jim Wilkins!” he exclaimed. “Isn't it Jim Wilkins?” + </p> + <p> + “Ain't it!” cried the landlord. “Well, I should say it is! And to think, + you little, sawed-off propagator of human knowledge didn't recognize your + old side pardner in the field of sellin' improvin' and intellectooal works + of genius! Don't say you don't remember the 'Wage of Sin,' Sammy! Don't + say you don't remember Kitty!” + </p> + <p> + “Kitty?” asked Eliph' doubtfully. + </p> + <p> + “Well, if the little red-head ain't forgot Kitty!” exclaimed Wilkins. + “Why, I MARRIED Kitty, Sammy. For an actual, truthful fact I did. And to + think I should run across Sammy Mills after all these years.” + </p> + <p> + “Hewlitt,” said Eliph'. “Eliph' Hewlitt is that name I'm known by.” + </p> + <p> + “And to think you stuck by that name all these years!” said Wilkins. “And + still sellin' works of literatoor, are you? Pap, this is my old boyhood's + chum come meanderin' backwards out of the past. And still sellin' books! + Well, I don't want to discourage your ambitiousness, but I guess you've + struck Kilo about the worst time in the century. Ever hear of a literary + writer called Sir Walter Scott? Well, sir, Kilo is chuck full of Sir + Walter; full as a goat. She ain't begun to near git through with Sir + Walter yet, and I don't figger she'll take in no more libraries just now. + Sir Walter hit her pretty hard.” + </p> + <p> + “Ten volumes, fifteen dollars cloth, twenty dollars half morocco?” + inquired Eliph' Hewlitt. + </p> + <p> + “The identical same,” said the landlord. “I purchased a group of Sir + Walters in red leather myself. So did everybody in Kilo; at least I ain't + found anybody that's been missed yet. Paper here got some.” + </p> + <p> + “My daughter Sally——” began the old man. + </p> + <p> + “Same thing,” said Wilkins; “you pay just the same if you bought the + books. Why, Sammy, there's enough Sir Walter right here in Kilo now to + start up a book business. Kilo's light on literatoor generally, but when + she goes in, she goes in heavy. There ain't many towns where you'll find + every livin' soul ready to swaller down fifteen dollars worth of Sir + Walter Scott, two dollars down and one dollar a month until paid; but I + calculate them ten volumes will last Kilo quite a spell, and if worst + comes to worst she won't buy no more literatoor till she gits paid up on + Sir Walter. I figger from my own sense of feelin's that about the worst + time to sell a feller books is when he is still payin' once a month on the + old lot. About the second time the collector drops in to collect on a set + of works of literatoor, a man feels like he had been foolish, but he grins + cheerful, and pays up, but if another man drops in about then to sell + another set of the world's great masterpieces it is pretty near an insult + to human intelligence.” + </p> + <p> + Eliph' Hewlitt drew his hand across his whiskers and coughed gently. + </p> + <p> + “They told me in Jefferson,” he said softly, “that Kilo was the most + intellectual town in central Iowa.” + </p> + <p> + “Everybody says the same,” said Wilkins with a touch of pride. “The Sir + Walter Scott man said it, and I guess it's so. But there's other things + besides books. Kilo may be strong and willin' on books, but she's strong + other ways, too, and just now she is lookin' at another kind of horse, and + that's why I say you've miscalculated your comin'. If I was you I'd go + elsewhere and come back later. Kilo has got more books now than she can + handle without straining something, and just now her mind's off on another + tack. We struck a big missionary revival here last week, and you can bet a + wager that every dollar that goes out of Kilo these days, except what goes + for dues on Sir Walter, is goin' for the brethren. The women folks is + havin' a sale this very evenin' to raise cash to help the heathen.” + </p> + <p> + Eliph' Hewlitt arose from his chair and tucked the oilcloth-covered parcel + that had been lying on his knees under his left arm. He was a small man, + and his movements were apt to be short and jerky. + </p> + <p> + “Missionary sale?” he said briskly. “I guess I'll go around and look in on + it. Strangers welcome, I suppose? I'm rather fond of missionary sales, and + I think the world and all of the heathen. Think the ladies would like to + see a stranger?” + </p> + <p> + Wilkins grinned. + </p> + <p> + “Pap,” he said, “what you think? Think they'll fall on his neck if he has + any money? From what I have experienced of them sales I figger to + calculate that anybody that is anxious to buy gingham aprons an' sofa + pillows is sure to be took by the hand and given a front seat. I'd go + around with you, but I've got my taxes to pay, like Pap here, and I don't + actually need any pink tidies. It ain't far; just up to Doc Weaver's; two + blocks up, and you can't miss the house. It's the yeller mansion, this + side the road, an' the gate's off the hinges and laid up alongside the + fence. But I guess if them's your samples in that there package, you might + as well leave them here.” + </p> + <p> + But Eliph' Hewlitt did not leave them there; he tucked them under his arm, + and hurried away with brisk little steps. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER V. Sammy Mills + </h2> + <p> + “There ought to be a license agin book agents,” said Pap Briggs + spitefully, when Eliph' Hewlitt had hurried away. + </p> + <p> + “It wouldn't harm that feller,” said Wilkins. “He's a red hot one at + book-agenting, he is, an' he'd find out some way to git round it. I hear + lot of book agents that come round this way tell of him. He's got a record + of sellin' more copies of that encyclopedia book of his than any one man + ever sold of any one book, an' he's a sort of hero of the book-agenting + business. It makes me proud to call to remembrance that him an' me was + kids together down at Franklin, years ago. Him an' me took to the + book-agentin' biz the same day, we did. I needed cash, like I always do, + and he had literatoor in the family. So we went an' did it. We did it to + Gallops Junction first, and after that Eliph' sowed literatoor pretty + general all over Iowa, an' next I heard of him all over the United States. + Iowa is now a grand State, an as full of culture as a Swiss cheese is full + of holes, an' I don't take all the credit for it; I give Eliph' his share. + Hotels help to scatter the seed, but literatoor scatters more. + </p> + <p> + “One day, down there at Franklin, Eliph' says to me, 'Jim, you know that + book pa wrote?' That's what Eliph' remarked to me on the aforesaid day, + but I wish to state his name wasn't Eliph' on that date, an' it wasn't + Hewlitt, neither. It was plain Sammy; Sammy Mills. Eliph' Hewlitt was a + sort of fancy name my pa had give to a horse he had that he thought was a + racer, but wasn't. It was a good enough horse to enter in a race, but not + good enough to win. It was the kind of race horse that kept pa poor, but + hopeful. + </p> + <p> + “'Why, yes, Sammy,' I says, 'I've heard tell of that grand literary effort + of your dad.' + </p> + <p> + “'Well,' he says—we was sittin' on the porch of his pa's house—'Pa + he had a thousand of them printed.' + </p> + <p> + “'Dickens he did!' I remarked, supposin' it was us to me to do some + remarkin'. + </p> + <p> + “'And,' says Sammy, 'he's got eight hundred an' sixty-four of them highly + improvin' an' intellectooal volumes stored in the barn right now.' + </p> + <p> + “'Quite a lib'ry,' I says, off-hand like. + </p> + <p> + “'Numerous, but monotonous,' says Sam. 'As a lib'ry them books don't give + the variety of topics they oughter. They all cling to the same subject too + faithful. Eight hundred an' sixty-four volumes of the “Wage of Sin,” all + bound alike, don't make what I call a rightly differentiated lib'ry. When + you've read one you've read all.' + </p> + <p> + “'Alas!' I says, or somthin' like that, sympathetic an' attentive. + </p> + <p> + “'Likewise,' says Sam, 'they clutter up the barn. They ought to be got out + to make room for more hay.' + </p> + <p> + “'This was indeed true. I saw it was all good sense. Horses don't take to + literatoor like they does to hay. + </p> + <p> + “'Well,' says Sammy, 'what's the matter with chuckin' them eight hundred + an' sixty-four “Wages of Sin” into the rustic communities of this + commonwealth of Iowa, U.S.A.? Here we've got a barnful of high-class, + intellectooal poem, an' yon we have a State full of yearnin' minds, + clamorous for mental improvement at one fifty per volume. It's our duty to + chuck them poems into them minds, an' to intellectooally subside them + clamors.' + </p> + <p> + “I shook my head quite strenuous. + </p> + <p> + “'Nix for me!' I remarked; 'no book-agenting for me.' + </p> + <p> + “'Who said book-agenting?” asked Sammy, deeply offended. 'Do you calculate + that the son of a high-class author of a famous an' helpful book would + turn book agent? Never!' + </p> + <p> + “'What then?' I asks him. + </p> + <p> + “'Just a little salubrious an' entertainin' canvassin' for a work of + genius,' he says. 'A few heart-to-heart talks with the educated ladies of + Gallops Junction an' Tomville on the beauties of the “Wage of Sin.” That + ain't no book-agenting,' says he, 'that's pickin' money off the trees. + It's pie ready cut an' handed to us on a plate with a gilt edge. All we've + got to do is to bite it.' + </p> + <p> + “No, let me tell you right here, Pap, that the 'Wage of Sin' was a + thoroughbred treat to read. It was a moral book. Next to the Bible it was + the morallest book I ever tackled, an' when W. P. Mills wrote that book he + gave the literatoor of the U.S.A. a boost in the right direction that it + hasn't recovered from yet. It was the champion long distance poem of the + nineteenth century. That book showed what a chunky an' nervous mind old W. + P Mills had. There was ten thousand verses to that book of poem, + partitioned off into various an' sundry parts so the read thereof could + sit up an' draw breath about every thousand verses, an' get his full wind + ready for the run through the next slice. + </p> + <p> + “That 'Wage of Sin' book was surely for to admire, any way you looked at + it. Take the subject; it wasn't any of your little, sawed-off, one-year + sprints. No siree! W. P. Mills started away back in the front vestibule of + time. He said, right in the preface—an' that was all poetry, too— + </p> + <p> + Now, reader, go along with me Away back to eternity, A hundred thousand + years, and still Keep backing backwards if you will. + </p> + <p> + “An' when he got away back there he sort of expectorated on his hands an' + started in at Genesis, Chapter One, Verse One, an' went right along down + through the Bible like a cross-cut saw through a cottonwood log. He never + missed a single event that was important, if true. He got all them old + fellers rhymed right into that book—Jereboam, Rehoboam, Meschach, + Schadrach, an' Abednego, an' all the whole caboodle, from Adam with an A + to Zaccheus with a Z. + </p> + <p> + “That certain was a moral tome, an' no prevarication. It was plumb + drippin' with moral from start to finish. You see Eve she set the ball + a-rollin' when she swiped them apples. That was where she done dead wrong, + and that was the 'Sin' as mentioned in the name of the book, an' old W. P. + Mills he showed in that literary volume how everybody has had to pay the + 'Wages' ever since. It was great. I never read anything else moral that I + could say I really hankered for, but I sure did enjoy that book. Old W. P. + Mills was a wonder at poetry. + </p> + <p> + “It beat all how vivid he made all them Old Testament people, an' the + things they did. Why, I never cared two cents for Shadrach, Meshach, an' + Abednego before I read that book, but after I read it I never could git + them lines of W. P.'s out of my head— + </p> + <p> + 'The King perhaps that moment saw A thing that filled his soul with + awe-Shadrach and Meshach, to and fro, Walked and talked with Abednego.' + </p> + <p> + “I tell you, you can't obliterate them three men out of your mind when you + read that verse once. You see them walkin' in that fiery furnace, even + when you're in your little bed; walkin' an' carryin' on a conversation, + which, when you come to think of it, was the most natural thing for them + to be doin'. You wouldn't look to see them sit down on a hot log, or to + stand still sayin' nothin'. Walk an' talk, that's what they did, an' it's + what anybody would do in similar circumstances. I guess fiery furnaces has + that effect all the world over, but it took W. P. Mills to see it with his + mind's eye, an' put it into verses. + </p> + <p> + “So, when Sammy gently intimated to me that it was his pa's book we was to + canvass, the job looked different. I might shy at an encyclopedia, or at a + life of Stephen A. Douglas, but to handle a moral volume like the 'Wage of + Sin' sort of appealed to the financial morality of my conscience. So I + asked Sammy what the gentlemanly canvassers would get out of it. + </p> + <p> + “'Pa had a lot of faith in that lyric poem,' says Sammy to me, 'an' no one + had a better right to, for he wrote it himself, but the publishing game + was dull an' depressed about the time he got ready to issue it forth, an' + he was necessitated to compensate the cost of printing it himself. And,' + he says, 'the rush an' hurry of the public to buy that book is such it + reminds me of the eagerness of a kid to get spanked. So I figger we can + get several wagon-loads of “Wage of Sin” at fifty cents per volume.' + </p> + <p> + “'That's a cheap price,' I says, 'That's two hundred verses for one cent, + an' the cover free.' + </p> + <p> + “Sammy was one of the confidential kind that gets close up to your ear and + whispers, even if he is only tellin' you that it looks like rain, so he + looks all around and whispers to me: + </p> + <p> + “'We'll make our initiative beginnin' first off at Gallops Junction,' he + says, 'where we ain't known, an' where pa ain't known, an' where the book + ain't known. I've a premonition,' he says, 'that 'twould be better so. If + we was to start in here we would get discouraged, for the folks ain't used + to buyin' “Wage of Sin.” They've been given it so bountiful an' free that + pa can't give away another copy to the poorest man in town. They've got so + that they run when they see pa comin'.' + </p> + <p> + “'You've got sense in that red head of your'n,' I says. + </p> + <p> + “'For me,' he says, 'it will be merely a voluptuous excursion. It will be + pie to sell that book, because I am the son of its author. Filial + relationship to genius,' he says, 'will make them overawed, an' grateful + to be allowed to buy of me, but you will have it harder. You can't claim + nearer kin to genius than that you helped the son of it chop wood at + various and sundry times.' + </p> + <p> + “'And gave him a handsome black eye one time,' I says reminiscently. 'I'll + make the most of that. The public likes anecdotes.' + </p> + <p> + “'No,' says Sammy, 'you can omit to mention that black-eye business. That + kind of an anecdote would be harrowing to the minds of literary inclined + gentlefolks. You can reminisce about how you helped me carry wood while I + recited passages of poem out of that book at you.' + </p> + <p> + “What I would have spoke next don't matter, because I omitted to speak it. + I was gettin' a glimmer of an idea into my head, and I wanted to get it + clear in and settled down to stay before I lost it. It got in, an' I had a + realization that it was an O.K. idea, an' that it beat Sammy's + son-of-his-father idea quite scandalous. + </p> + <p> + “When me an' Sammy got down to Gallops Junction we found that as a + municipality of art an' beauty it was a red-hot fizzle, but as a red-hot, + sizzling sandheap it was the leader of the world. As near as we could + judge from a premature look at the depot platform the principal + occupations of the grizzly inhabitants was pickin' sand burrs from the + inside rim of their pants-leg. It was a dreary village, but Sammy + restrained my unconscious impulse to get right aboard the train again. He + had that joyful light of combat in them blue eyes of his, an' he looked at + that bunch of paintless houses that was dumped around the Gallops Junction + Hotel like Columbus must have looked at Plymouth Rock when he landed + there. + </p> + <p> + “I had an immediate notion that the thing for me to do was to go over to + the hotel, an' sit in the shade there, an' study the inhabitants a while, + an' get the gauge of 'em, an' learn their manners an' customs, before + harshly thrustin' myself into their bosoms, so I went an' did it; but + Sammy proceeded immediate to visit their homes with the 'Wage of Sin' in + one hand an' the torch of culture in the other. + </p> + <p> + “The more I set under the board awning of that hotel the less I felt like + goin' for the to uplift the populace, so I went calmly an' respectfully to + sleep, like everybody else in sight, an' the gentle hours sizzled past + like rows of hot griddles. + </p> + <p> + “It was contiguous to five o'clock when I woke up, an' I had put three + hours of blissful ignorance into the past, an' I seen it was too late to + begin my labors of helpfulness that day. I crossed my legs the other way + from what they had been crossed, an' I was about to extend my ruminations + to other thoughts, when I noticed a young female exit out of a grocery + store across the road. She had a basket of et ceterys on her arm, an' a + face that was as beautiful as a ham sandwich looks to a man after a forty + days' fast. I recognized her right away as the prettiest girl of my life's + experience, an' as she stepped out I slid out of my chair an' made up my + mind to make a disposal of one copy of that book as soon as she struck + home. + </p> + <p> + “She went into her house at the back door, as most folks do, an' before + she slid the basket off her plump but modest arm, she looked up in + surprise to see what gentlemanly visitor was knockin' the paint off the + screen door with his knuckles. The glad object that her eyes beheld was + me, smilin' an' amiable, with one hand shyly feeling if my necktie was + loose, while the other concealed behind my back the interesting volume + entitled the 'Wage of Sin.' + </p> + <p> + “I won't circumlocute about how I got in and got set down on a chair + alongside of the kitchen stove. Approaching the female species promptly + and slick was my hard card always. So there I set, face to face with that + beautiful specimen of female bric-a-brac, and about two inches from a + ten-horse-power cook stove in full blossom. It was a warm day, and extry + warm on the side of me next that stove. The night side of me felt like + sudden fever aggravated by applications of breaths from the orthodox bit + of brimstone, and even my off side was perspirating some. + </p> + <p> + “Thus situated before that young female lady, I was baked but joyous, and + I set right in to sell her a 'Wage of Sin.' + </p> + <p> + “'Ma genully buys books when we buy any, but we never do,' she says. + </p> + <p> + “'Your ma in now?' I asks, respectful, but in a way to show that her eyes + and hair wasn't being wasted on no desert hermit. + </p> + <p> + “'Yes, she's in,' she says. 'Looks like it's guna rain.' + </p> + <p> + “'Its some few warm,' I says, shifting my most cooked side a little. 'Can + I converse with your ma?' + </p> + <p> + “'Only in spirit,' she says. 'Otherwise she's engaged.' + </p> + <p> + “'Dead?' I asks, her words seeming to imply her ma's having departed + hence. + </p> + <p> + “'Oh, no,' she says, smiling. 'She's in the front room, talking. She has a + very previous engagement with a gent, and can't break away.' + </p> + <p> + “'You'll do just as well,' I says, 'if not better. You have that + intellectual look that I always spot on the genooine lover of reading + matter.' + </p> + <p> + “'If you are gun to talk book, you better git right down to business and + talk book' she says, 'because when I whoop up that stove to git supper, as + I'm gun to soon, it's liable to git warm in this kitchen.' + </p> + <p> + “I took a look at the cooking apparatus, and decided that she knew what + she was conversing about. I liked the way she jumped right into the fact + that I had a few things to say about books, too. She was an up-and-coming + sort, and that's my sort. It's up-and-comingness that has made the Kilo + Hotel what it is. + </p> + <p> + “'All right, sister,' I says, 'this book is the famous “Wage of Sin.”' + </p> + <p> + “'No?” she exlamates. 'Not the “Wage of Sin”? The celebrated volume by our + fellow Iowan, Mr. What's-his-name?' + </p> + <p> + “'The same book!' I says, glad to know its knowledge had passed far down + the State. 'Price one-dollar-fifty per each. A gem of purest razorene. A + rhymed compendium of wit, information, and highly moral so-forths. Ten + thousand verses, printed on a new style rotating duplex press, and bound + up in pale-gray calico. Let me quote you that sweet couplet about the + flood: + </p> + <p> + “I hear the mother in her grief Imploring heaven for relief As up the + mountain-side she drags Herself by mountain peaks and crags.” + </p> + <p> + “'When I wrote that—' + </p> + <p> + “'When you wrote that!' she cries joyous, stopping to gaze at me. 'What! + Do I see before me a real, genooine author? Do I see in our humble but not + chilly kitchen a reely trooly author?' + </p> + <p> + “'Yes'm,' I says, modest, like G. W. when is papa caught him executing the + cherry tree. 'I wrote it. I am the author. Here, as you see me now, in + tropical but dripping diffidence, I am the author of that tome. It's a + warm day.' + </p> + <p> + “She stood in my proximity and explored me with her eyes. + </p> + <p> + “'An author!' she says, stunned but pleased. 'A real live author! My! But + it is hard for me to grasp a realization of that fact. So you wrote it?' + </p> + <p> + “'Yes'm,' I says again. 'I done it.' + </p> + <p> + “'So young, too,' she says. 'Genius is cert'nly a wonderful phenomenus.' + </p> + <p> + “'It's easy when you know how,' I says off-hand like. 'Book-writing is + born in us. When we get warmed up to it it's no trick at all. An author + can't no more help authorizing than a stray pup can help scratching.' + </p> + <p> + “'But,' she says, 'it must be true what I've heard about authorizing being + a poor paying job.' + </p> + <p> + “'Why?' I asks, being suspicious. + </p> + <p> + “'Because,' she says, 'if it wasn't you wouldn't be touring around to sell + your own books after you've wrote them. That is hard work. Now, I have to + stay in this kitchen and perspire because I have to, but if you was rich + off your books you wouldn't sit on that chair and get all stewed up. I can + see that.' + </p> + <p> + “'What you can't see,' I says, 'is that I came here just because I was the + writer of this here composition. Money I don't desire to wish for. Being a + rich man and a philanthropist, I give all I make off of this book to the + poor. But it ain't everybody can experience the satisfiedness of seeing a + reely genooine author. So I travel around exhibiting myself for the good + of the public. And as a special and extraordinary thing—a sort of + guarantee to one and all that they have seen a genooine living author—I + write my autograph in each and every volume of this book that I sell at + the small sum of one-fifty per. Think of it! Ten thousand verses; moral, + intellectooal, and witty; cloth cover, and the author's own autograph + written by himself, all for one-fifty. The autograph of the famous boy + author.' + </p> + <p> + “'That's a big bargain,' she says, thoughtful. + </p> + <p> + “'Jigantic,' I says + </p> + <p> + “'Genius is cert'nly a wonderful phenomenus,' she repeats again, dreamy. + </p> + <p> + “'Ain't it!' I responds, sniffing to see if it was my pants that was + scorching. 'Will you have one volume?' + </p> + <p> + “She hesitated, and then she says, 'No. No, I don't dast to. Not yet. Not + till I see how ma comes out. Mebby she'll purchase one before she gits + through being talked to.' + </p> + <p> + “I set straight upward on my hotly warmed chair. 'Being talked to!' I + says, astonished. + </p> + <p> + “'Yes,' says the sweet sample of girl. 'Your son, you know, Mister Samuel + Mills; he's in the front room interviewing ma.' + </p> + <p> + “'My son!' I ejaculates weakly, the thermometer in my spinal backbone + going up ten thousand degrees hotter. + </p> + <p> + “'Such an oldish son, too,' she says, sinfully joyous, 'for such a + youngish father. He must have been two years old the day you were born. + Genius is cert'nly a wonderful phenomenus!' + </p> + <p> + “I set there a minute, wilted, but nervous. Then I got hot, and arose in + anger. + </p> + <p> + “'My son!' I says, scornful. 'So that's what he says, it is? Disgracing + his father in that way! All right for him! I disown him out of my family. + And I furthermore remark that he ain't my son, nor never was.' + </p> + <p> + “'Well,' she says, 'you needn't get so hot about it. He's a hard worker. + He's been here all day.' + </p> + <p> + “'I ain't hot,' I says, forgetting that my temperature was torrid plus + glowing, 'but I'm mad to think that that boy which I hired to sell my book + should pass himself off as my son, and then stay talking all day in one + place, instead of selling books throughout the promiscuous neighborhood.' + </p> + <p> + “'Then,' she says, as if for the first time seeing light, 'that young man + in their ain't no son of the author of this “Sin” book?' + </p> + <p> + “'Never; subsequent nor previous, nor wasn't, nor will be,' I solemnly + made prevarication. + </p> + <p> + “'Well,' she says, 'he said he was when he come in; and me and ma didn't + think it likely an author person would have his son out book-peddling, so + we asservated back that he wasn't; and him and ma has been having a + high-grade talking match all day in the front parlor to convince each + other otherwise than what they are convinced of.' + </p> + <p> + “'Him,' continued the lovely girl, 'says he'll sell ma a book BECAUSE he's + the son of the author thereof, and ma says she'll buy a book if he owns up + truthful that he ain't the son of the author thereof. She says that if she + buys a book off of him when he's making false witness of having a talented + dad she'll be encouraging lying, which she can't do, being a full-blood + Baptist. So they've got a deadlock, and the jury is hung, and the + plurality is equal and unbiased on both sides, and up to date nobody + wins.' + </p> + <p> + “'Then,' I says, 'I don't sell no “Wage of Sin” do I?' + </p> + <p> + “'Not as no author if it,' she says. 'If you want to tackle us as a common + book agent, you'll find us right in the market.' + </p> + <p> + “'Katie,' I says, 'call your ma out here a minute. If I can sell a copy of + this volume I am willing to sell my birthmark for a mess of potash any day + of the week.' + </p> + <p> + “'That,' she says, cheerful, 'is spoke like a financier and a gentleman.' + </p> + <p> + “With that she started for the front room, but just then the door swung + open, and out came her ma and Sammy, tired with fatigue, but satisfied. + </p> + <p> + “'What!' says the young daughter, 'is the tie untied? Is the jawfest + concluded?' + </p> + <p> + “'It is,' says the maternal ancestor of that girl, weak but happy. 'We + talked seven miles and six furloughs, but I won. He has renounced his sin. + He ain't no son of no author. I've boughten his book.' + </p> + <p> + “I gazed at Sammy with a moist, reproachful eye. + </p> + <p> + “'Sammy! Sammy!' I says, shaking my head, 'to think——' + </p> + <p> + “'Hush!' he says, 'don't say it. I ain't no Sammy. I ain't no Mills. Them + is not my name.' + </p> + <p> + “'Alas!' I says, mournful, 'am I then deceived since childhood's happy + hours?' + </p> + <p> + “I see the respectable old lady pricking up her ears and getting ready for + another season of conversation. Sammy likewise made the same observation, + and he fended off the deadly blow. + </p> + <p> + “'Yes,' he says, 'I have deceived you. My name is——' + </p> + <p> + “He stopped and looked doubtful and perplexed, and scratched his ear with + his forepaw. + </p> + <p> + “'My name is——' he says, and stops, and then he turns to the + elderly female, and asks desperate: 'What in tunket did I say my name + was?' + </p> + <p> + “'Hewlitt,' she says, 'Eliph' Hewlitt.' + </p> + <p> + “'Oh, yes!' says Sammy, 'that's it. I guess I'll just write that down, so + as to have it handy. You know,' he says, looking at me, 'my memory's awful + bad since I had the scarlet fever. It's terrible. Why, when I come in here + I knowed I had SOMETHING to say about this book, and I tried to remember, + and I seemed to remember that I was the son of the author who authored it. + I never come so near lying in my life. I'm all in a tremble over it to + think how near to lying I was! An' I got the notion Eliph' Hewlitt was the + name of a horse.' + </p> + <p> + “'Ma,' says Katie, giving me a wicked smile, 'this here other young man + has got a bad scarlet fever memory, too. HE'S come near to lying, + likewise. You'd ought to speak a few words of helpfulness with him, too!' + </p> + <p> + “'Now, here,' I says, 'you pass that by, Katie. All that that I said was a + novel I was thinking of writing out when I got my full growth, which I + told you to pass the time away whiles this What's-his-name was busy. I + never wrote nothing!' + </p> + <p> + “'Well,' she says, 'you don't look as if you had the sense to, so I guess + you ain't lying now.' + </p> + <p> + “But ma lit into me, and spent two hours, steady talk, convincing me I + wasn't W. P. Mills, although every time she said I wasn't I said so, too. + The more I agreed that I wasn't the more she would fire up and take a + fresh hold, and try to bear it home to me that I wasn't. There was never + in the world such a long fight, with both sides saying the same thing. + Ordinary persons couldn't have done it, but hat lady mother could, an' + did, an' every now an' then she would dig into Sammy again. An' all of it + was right near to that enthusiastical stove. So at last she laid a couple + of extra hard words against us an' we keeled over, as you might say, an' + toppled out of the kitchen. We was dazed with language that was all words, + an' when we come to the gate we was so stupefied that we climbed right + over it, an' so weak that we fell down off the other side of it, an' Sammy + all the time repeatin' 'Eliph' Hewlitt,' like a man in a dream. By next + day he was able to leave the hotel, an' he took the train, an' I ain't + seen him until this day, so I guess he stuck right to that name, for fear + he might meet the talkin' lady again. I don't see how he could get the + name out of his system when once Katie's ma had talked it in, anyway, for + she was a great talker. I ought to know, for I went back an' chinned with + Katie as soon as I got the daze out of my head, an' the long-come + short-come of it was I married Katie. + </p> + <p> + “When Sammy comes back I want to ask him if he sold out all them 'Wage of + Sin' books. I never sold but one, an' I didn't sell that—I gave it + to Katie for a wedding present.” + </p> + <p> + “You done right when you gave up the book agent business, Jim,” said Pap + Briggs. “There ought to be a license agin all of 'em.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VI. The Castaway + </h2> + <p> + Eliph' Hewlitt, when he reached the large, yellow house, found the door + open. The sale was well over. The gingham aprons and the cat-stitched + dusting cloths were all sold, and only a few crocheted slipper-bags and + similar luxuries remained, and these were being offered at greatly reduced + prices, much to the chagrin of the ladies who had contributed them. The + cashiers were counting the results of the evening's business, and the + other ladies were grouped about the minister, who stood in the middle of + the parlor, laughingly explaining the merits of a plush-covered + rolling-pin he had purchased in a moment of folly. + </p> + <p> + Eliph' Hewlitt tapped on the door to call attention to his presence, and + walked into the parlor. Mrs. Doctor Weaver came forward, a shade of + anxiety on her face. + </p> + <p> + “Mrs. Doctor Weaver, I suppose,” said Eliph' Hewlitt. “Well, my name is + Hewlitt, Eliph' Hewlitt, and I heard of this sale at the hotel. The + landlord said strangers were welcome——” + </p> + <p> + “Of course they are!” exclaimed Mrs. Doctor Weaver. “I'm afraid all the + best things are gone, they went off so quickly to-night; but you're just + as welcome, I'm sure, an' mebby you'll find something you'd like, though I + suppose you're a travelin' man, an' I don't see what you'd do with a knit + tidy, or a rickrack pin cushion, unless you've got a sister or a wife to + send it to. But mebby you ain't a drummer after all?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, yes, I'm a sort of a drummer,” said Eliph', tapping his parcel. + “Book agent, you know. That the minister?” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Weaver drew back when Eliph' mentioned his occupation. She did not + consider a book agent any less worthy than another man, but she had been + obliged to miss the last payment on Sir Walter Scott, and she had an + ill-defined feeling of guilt. To miss a payment was almost as hideous in + her eyes as to neglect to put a dime in the contribution plate each Sunday + would have been. Her first thought was that Eliph' had come to rudely bear + away the ten volumes of Sir Walter before the eyes of all the women of + Kilo, and she gladly grasped at his last words. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” she said quickly, “that's him. Let me introduce you. He—he + likes books.” + </p> + <p> + “I'm not selling books to-night,” explained Eliph' Hewlitt, for her words + seemed one form of the usual reception of a book agent, and to indicate a + desire to be rid of him as quickly as possible; “but I don't mind meeting + him.” + </p> + <p> + As Mrs. Weaver led the way to the center of the group, Eliph' Hewlitt + followed her, but his eyes quickly made a circle of the room, and rested a + moment on Sally Briggs, who was one of the cashiers. + </p> + <p> + She saw him and caught her breath, as if the sight had frightened her, but + when he nodded she could not refuse to return the salutation. She nodded + as coldly as she knew how, and hurried to the most distant corner of the + room. Eliph' was well enough pleased with this reception, for he would + hardly have known what to do with a warmer one; in many years he had + received only the book agent's usual greeting, which is far from cordial. + She had nodded to him, at any rate, and he felt a glow of satisfaction. + </p> + <p> + When Mrs. Weaver introduced him to the minister she added that he was a + book agent. She may have done this as an explanation, for Kilo, and even + Kilo's minister, craved details, or she may have done it to give fair + warning to all concerned. The effect was instantaneous, and the smiles of + welcome faded. The minister shook hands gravely, and the ladies who had + run forward with shoe bags and tidies turned and walked coldly away. + </p> + <p> + Eliph' Hewlitt smiled. + </p> + <p> + “Funny how that name makes a man unpopular, ain't it?” he said, addressing + the minister. “But I ain't going to talk books in Kilo. The landlord down + at the hotel told me it was a bad time, so I'm going to pass it by. Well, + I guess we deserve all the blame we get. Some of us do pester the life out + of people—don't know when to stop. Now, when I see a man don't want + my book, or when I see a town ain't ready for it, I drop books and go off, + and leave them alone. I could have stayed down there at the hotel and + bothered the landlord into taking my book. He'd have too it, because + everybody that sees this book, and understands it, does take it; but I + said, 'Why bullyrag the life out of the poor man when there's a missionary + sale going on in town, and he don't want a book, and I do want to see the + sale? I am interested in missions.” + </p> + <p> + “It's a great field,” said the minister, with a sigh of relief; for, as + the literary head of Kilo, he was always the first and most strongly + contested goal of the book agents. The subscription list that did not bear + his name at the head bore few others, and he appreciated the self denial + of Eliph' Hewlitt in passing such a good opportunity to talk business. + </p> + <p> + “Are you deeply interested in the field?” he inquired graciously. + </p> + <p> + “Well, you se,” said Eliph' Hewlitt, “I was cast away on one of those + desert islands myself once, and I know what those poor heathen must suffer + for lack of churches and civilization, and good books to read. I can feel + for them.” + </p> + <p> + Someone pushed a chair gently against Eliph's legs, in gentle invitation + for him to be seated, and he took the chair, and laid his package across + his knees. Those who had drawn away from him now gathered closer, and all + gazed at him with interest. Miss Sally alone remained at the other end of + the room. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I never expected to live to see a man that had been shipwrecked,” + said Mrs. Weaver, “let alone shipwrecked on a desert island—an' a + book agent at that!” + </p> + <p> + Eliph' smiled indulgently. + </p> + <p> + “I wasn't a book agent in them days,” he said; “it was that made me a book + agent. If I hadn't been shipwrecked on that island I wouldn't be here now + with this book on my knees.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Weaver's face flushed. + </p> + <p> + “I'm sure I ask you to excuse me,” she exclaimed. “I don't know what I was + thinkin' of not to ask to take your package. Let me put it aside for you. + They ain't no use for you to be bothered with it.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you, ma'm,” said Eliph', “but I'll just keep it. No offense, but I + never let it go out of my hands, day or night. It saved my life, not once, + but many times, this book did, and I keep it handy. But for this book that + shipwreck would have been my last day.” + </p> + <p> + “Land sakes, now!” cried Mrs. Weaver, “won't you tell us about it?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, as I said, but for this book I'd be bones at the bottom of the sea. + Yes, ladies and gents, bones, of which there is one hundred and + ninety-eight in the full grown human skeleton, composed of four-fifths + inorganic and one-fifth organic matter.” + </p> + <p> + “How dreadful!” exclaimed Mrs. Weaver, who, being a doctor's wife, had a + particular dislike for bones, as for useless things that cluttered up the + house, and were not ornamental. “But how come you to get wrecked?” + </p> + <p> + “Five years ago,” said Eliph' Hewlitt, “I was a confidence man in New + York. New York is the largest city in the Western Hemisphere; population + estimated over three million; located on the island of Manhattan, at the + mouth of the Hudson River. And, if I do say it myself, I was a good + confidence man. I was a success; I got rich. And what then? The police got + after me, and I had to run away. Yes, ladies and gents, I had to fly from + my native land. I took passage on a ship for Ceylon. Ceylon,” he added, + “is an island southeast of India; population three millions; principal + town, Colombo; English rule; products, tea, coffee, spices, and gems. + </p> + <p> + “We had a good trip until we almost got there, and then a big storm come + up, and blew our ship about like it was a peanut shell, tossing it up and + down on the mighty waves, and round and back; and the third day we bumped + on a rock, and the ship began to sink. In the hurry I was left behind when + the crew and passengers went off in the boats. Think of it, ladies and + gents, not even a life preserver to save me, and the ship sinking a foot a + minute.” + </p> + <p> + “Goodness me!” said Mrs. Weaver, “you wasn't drowned, was you?” + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Eliph' Hewlitt, “or I wouldn't be here to tell it. I rushed to + the captain's cabin. I thought maybe I would find a life preserver there. + Alas, no! But there, ladies and gents, I found something better. When I + didn't find a life preserver I was stunned—yes, clean knocked out. I + dropped into a chair and laid my head on the captain's table. I sat there + several minutes, the ship sinking one foot per minute, and when I come to + my senses, and raised my head, my hand was lying on this.” + </p> + <p> + Reverently he raised the volume from his knees and unwrapped it, and the + Ladies' Foreign Mission Society leaned forward with one accord to catch a + glimpse of the title. Eliph' Hewlitt opened the book and flipped over the + pages rapidly with the moistened tip of his third finger. + </p> + <p> + “It was this book, ladies and gents, and it was open here, page 742. + Without thinking, I read the first thing that hit my eye. 'How to Make a + Life Preserver,' it said. 'Take the corks from a hundred champagne + bottles; tie them tightly in a common shirt; then fasten the arms of the + shirt about the body, with the corks resting on the chest. With this + easily improvised life preserver drowning is impossible.' I done it. The + captain of that ship was a high liver, and his room was chuck full of + champagne bottles. I put in two extry corks for good measure, and when the + ship went down, I floated off on the top of the ocean as easy as a duck + takes to a pond.” + </p> + <p> + “My sakes!” exclaimed Mrs. Weaver, “that captain must have been an awful + hard drinker!” + </p> + <p> + “He was,” said Eliph' Hewlitt—“fearful. I was really shocked. But, + there I was in the water, and not much better off for it, neither, for I + couldn't swim a stroke, and as soon as I got through bobbing up and down + like your cork when you've got a sunfish on your line, I stayed right + still, just as if I'd been some bait-can a boy had thrown into an eddy, + and I figgered like as not I'd stay there forever. Then I noticed I had + this book in my hand, and I thought, 'While I'm staying here forever, I'll + just take another peek at this book,' and I opened her. Page 781,” said + Eliph', turning quickly to that page, “was where she opened. 'Swimming; + How to Float, Swim, Dive, and Tread Water—Plain and Fancy Swimming, + Shadow Swimming, High Diving,' et cetery. There she was, all as plain as + pie, and when I read it I could swim as easy as an old hand. The direction + all through this book is plain, practical, and easily followed. + </p> + <p> + “I at once swum off to the south, for there was no telling how long I'd + have to swim, and as the water was sort of cool, I thought best to go + south, because the further south you go the warmer the water gets. When I + swum two days, and was plumb tuckered out, I come to an island. The waves + was dashing on it fearful, and I knew if I tried to land I'd be dashed to + flinders. It knocked all the hope out of me, and I made up my mind to take + off my life preserver and dive to the bottom of the sea to knock my brains + out on the rocks. But, ladies and gents, before I dived I had another look + at my book, hoping to find something to comfort a dying man. I turned to + page 201.” + </p> + <p> + Eliph' Hewlitt found the page, and pointed to the heading with his finger. + </p> + <p> + “'Five Hundred Ennobling Thoughts from the World's Greatest Authors, + including the Prose and Poetical Gems of All ages,'” he read. “There they + were-sixty-two solid pages of them, with vingetty portraits of the + authors. I read No. 285: + </p> + <p> + “As Thou has made Thy world without, Make Thou more fair my world within,' + et cetery.” + </p> + <p> + “Whittier, J. G., commonly called the poet of liberty, born 1807, died + 1892'—with a complete sketch of his life, a list of his most popular + pieces, and a history of his work on behalf of the slave. + </p> + <p> + “I was much comforted by this,” said Eliph' Hewlitt, “and I run over the + pages this way, thinking of what I had read, when I hit on page 927: + 'Geography of Land and Sea.' I skipped ten pages telling in an interesting + manner of the five great continents, their political division, mountains, + lakes, and plains, their vegetable inhabitants and animals, their ancient + and modern history, et cetery, and I come to 'Islands, Common, Volcanic, + and Coral'; and on page 940 I read that coral islands are often surrounded + by a reef on which the waves dash, but that there is usually a quiet + lagoon between the reef and the island, with somewhere an opening from the + sea into the lagoon. + </p> + <p> + “When I read that,” said Eliph', closing the book, “I shut up my book and + swum round until I come to the opening, which was there, just like the + book said it would be, and I swum across the lagoon, and fell exhausted on + the beach. I was played out, and I had swallered too much water. I would + have died right there, but I thought of my book, and I turned to the + index, where every subject known to the vast realm of knowledge is set + down alphabetically, from 'A' to 'Z', twenty thousand references in all, + dealing with every subject from the time of Adam to the present day, + including, in the new and revised edition just from the press, a history + of the war with Spain, with full page portraits of Dewey, Sampson, + Cervera, and the boy king, and colored plates of the battles of Manila Bay + and Santiago. I run my eye down the page till I came to 'Drowned, How to + Revive the,' page 96; and what I read there saved my life.” + </p> + <p> + The ladies sighed with relief. + </p> + <p> + “What shall I say about my four long years on that island?” said Eliph'. + “I was the only man on it. Oh, the pangs of solitude! Oh, the terrors of + being alone! But, ladies and gents, I suffered none of them. I was not + alone. He is never alone who has a copy of Jarby's 'Encyclopedia of + Knowledge and Compendium of Literature, Science and Art,' published by + Jarby & Goss, New York, and sold for the trifling sum of five dollars + a volume, one dollar down and one dollar a month until paid, the book + delivered when the first payment is made. And that, my friends, was the + book I had, and the book you see before you.” + </p> + <p> + The minister put out his hand. + </p> + <p> + “May I look at the volume?” he asked, and Eliph' passed it to him with a + nod. + </p> + <p> + “From the first the book was my friend, philosopher, and guide. I had no + matches. Page 416, 'Fire, Its Traditions—How to Make a Fire Without + Matches—Fire-fighting, Fire-extinguishers,' et cetery, taught me to + make a fire by rubbing two sticks, as the savages do. I had no weapons to + kill the fowls of the air. Page 425, 'Weapons, Ancient and Modern—Their + History—How to Make and Use Them,' et cetery, told me how to twist + the cocoanut bark into a cord, and to shape the limb of the gum-gum tree + into a bow and arrow. Page 396, 'Birds, Tropical, Temperate, and Arctic—Song + Birds, Edible Birds, and Birds of Plumage,' et cetery, with their Latin + and common names, and over one thousand illustrations, told me which to + kill, and which to eat. Page 100, 'The Complete Kitchen Guide,' being + eight hundred tested recipes—roasts, fries, pastry, cakes, bread, + puddings, entrées, soups, how to make candy, how to clean brass, copper, + silver, tin, et cetery—told me how to prepare and cook them. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, my friends, I went to that island an ignorant, unbelieving man, and + I came away educated and reformed. For my idle hours there was the + 'Complete Mathematician,' showing how to figger the most difficult + problems easily, how to measure corn in the drib, water in the well, + figger interest, et cetery, by which I become posted on all kinds of + arithmetic. There was the 'Complete Letter Writer, or a Guide to Polite + and Correct Correspondence,' the 'Dictionary of Legal Terms, or Every Man + His Own Lawyer,' the 'Modern Penman,' the 'Eureka Shorthand System'—in + fact, all the knowledge in the world, condensed into one thousand and four + pages, for the small sum of five dollars. Who can afford to be without + this book, which will pay for itself twice over every week of the year? + </p> + <p> + “I was picked up, ladies and gents,” continued Eliph' Hewlitt, “by a + passing ship, and I decided to devote my life to a great work—to + circulating this wonderful book in my native land. I wept when I thought + of the millions that had not seen it—millions that were living poor, + starved lives because they didn't have a copy of Jarby's Encyclopedia of + Knowledge and Compendium of Literature, Science and Art, and I gave myself + to the cause.” + </p> + <p> + The minister handed the book back to Eliph' Hewlitt, and cleared his + throat. + </p> + <p> + “It seems to be all you claim for it,” he said; “but I fear the landlord + of the Kilo House was right. We are not, many of us, ready for more books + at present. If you return in a year or eight months——” + </p> + <p> + Eliph' Hewlitt smiled, and put his hand gently no the glossy black knee of + the minister's best trousers. + </p> + <p> + “True,” he said, “true! Kilo has books. Kilo knows the civilizing and + Christianizing influence of books. But,” he exclaimed, “think of the poor + heathen! Think of the poor missionaries fighting to bring civilization to + those dark-hued brothers! Shall it be said that every home in Kilo has a + set of Sir Walter Scott, ten volumes with gilt edges, while the minds of + the heathen dry up and rot for want of the vast treasures contained in + Jarby's Encyclopedia of Knowledge and Compendium of Literature, Science + and Art? Here in this book is the wisdom of the whole world, and will you + selfishly withhold it form those who need it so badly? If I know Kilo, I + think not. If what is said in Jefferson regarding the unselfishness and + liberality of Kilo is true, I think not. I know what you will say. You + will say, 'Here, take this money we have collected this evening and give + to the thirsting heathen as many volumes of Jarby's Encyclopedia of + Knowledge and Compendium of Literature, Science and Art, as it will buy at + five dollars a volume.'” + </p> + <p> + He glanced around the circle of faces. + </p> + <p> + “That is what you will say,” he said; “But Eliph' Hewlitt will beg a + chance to do his little for the noble work. He will, seeing the good + cause, make the price four seventy-five per volume, and throw in one + volume from for the Kilo Sunday School library, where one and all can have + reference to its helpful and civilizing pages.” + </p> + <p> + In Eliph' Hewlitt's eyes glowed the fire of conquest that always shone in + them when he was “talking book,” a glitter such as shines in the eyes of + the enthusiast, and they fell upon Miss Sally Briggs, who had been drawn + by his eloquence to the edge of the ring of ladies. As he paused, she + recognized the moment as that when the victim is supposed to utter the + words, “Well, I guess I'll take a copy,” but she missed the direct appeal, + and its absence confused her, and she was still wondering whether it was + now time to say she would take a copy, or whether she had better wait for + the formal appeal, when Mrs. Doc Weaver spoke for the Ladies' Mission + Circle. + </p> + <p> + When Eliph' Hewlitt left the house, half an hour later with his order + signed, Miss Sally had disappeared, and, although he peeked eagerly into + both the side rooms as he passed through the hall, he could see nothing of + her. He was disappointed. + </p> + <p> + When he returned to the hotel the landlord was asleep in the chair before + the door. He arose with a yawn, rubbed his eyes, and led the way into the + office where a dingy kerosene lamp was burning dimly. He stretched his + arms as he looked at the clock that stood above the dusty pigeon holes + back of the desk. + </p> + <p> + “'Leven o'clock!” he yawned. “I must have been asleep two hours. Guess + you'll want to get right up to bed, won't you? I reckon you found out Kilo + don't want no books this trip, Sammy; an' if you want to git an early + start from town you'll need all the sleep you can get.” + </p> + <p> + Eliph' tossed his package on the desk carelessly. + </p> + <p> + “Why, yes, Jim, I wish you WOULD call me early,” he said. “I'll be ready + for bed in half an hour or so. I done a little business up yonder, and I + want to mail my report to New York. But you needn't hitch up my horse in + the morning.” + </p> + <p> + “No?” asked the landlord sleepily. + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Eliph', “and if any feller comes this way selling books in the + next month or so, just tell him there ain't no use for a raw hand to waste + time in this town. Tell him Eliph' Hewlitt has settled down to live here.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VII. The Colonel + </h2> + <p> + When Eliph' Hewlitt stepped out of the hotel the next morning, after he + had eaten his breakfast, and stood, with a wooden toothpick between his + lips, looking up and down the street, he felt a sense of exultation. If he + had been a victorious general, and Kilo a captured city of great + importance, he would have had a similar feeling. Already he felt that, if + he was not the captor of the town, he was one of its important citizens, + and practically the husband of an attractive woman whose father owned + sufficient property to be one of those who grumble about taxes. + </p> + <p> + To a man who had been a wanderer all his life it was pleasant to feel that + he was soon to be kin to all the things he saw on Main Street, brother to + the town-pump and cousin to the flag pole, and to consider that even the + well-gnawed hitching rails were to be part of his future years. He nodded + across the street to Billings, the grocer and general store man, as if he + was an old acquaintance, and he watched Skinner, the butcher, sweeping the + walk, with a pleasant smile, for he saw in him a future friend. He loved + Kilo, and he was ready to like everything, from the post office to the + creamery. His whole future seemed destined to be simple and pleasant, for + he was resolved to do his best to make the town like him, and there seemed + little opportunity for complications in a town that could all be seen at + one glance. + </p> + <p> + Strangers think all small towns simple. The few stores are all plainly + labeled, the streets run at right angles, and the houses are set well + apart, like big letters in a primer. A small town looks like a story + without a plot, like: “See the cat. Does the cat see me? The cat sees the + dog;” beside which a city is as unfathomable as a Henry James paragraph. + To the stranger each man and woman he meets is a complete individual, each + standing alone, like letters on an alphabet block, and not easily to be + confused, one with the other. But these letters of the small town's + alphabet are often tangled into as long and complex words as those of the + greatest city; it takes but twenty-six letters to spell all the passions. + The letter A, that looked so distinctly separate, is soon found to be + connected with C and T in Cat, and with W and R in War, as well as + cross-connected with the C and W in Caw, and with T and R in Tar; while + the houses that stood so seemingly alone are all connected and + criss-crossed by lines of love and hate, of petty policy and revenge and + pride, quite as are nations or people who live in labyrinths, or in a + metropolis. + </p> + <p> + It was still too early in the morning for Eliph' Hewlitt to call on Miss + Sally, and there was no haste; the day was long. He even doubted whether + it would be good policy to call on her in the morning; he might find her + busy with household cares. Probably it would be best to wait for the + afternoon, when she would be at leisure. This, he decided would be best. + He would arrive in her presence at two o'clock, and four hours of + conversation would carry them to the point of being well acquainted, as + advised by Jarby's Encyclopedia. The next day he could enter the second + stage of the directions, and call with a book, present it; call after + dinner with a box of candy, present it; call after supper, and propose a + walk, visit the ice cream parlor, and on the way home offer his hand, and + be accepted. The chapter on “Courtship—How to Win the Affections” + advised against haste, and Eliph' did not wish to be hasty. To a man of + his spirit two days seemed rather long to devote to so simple a matter—a + real waste of time—but he was willing to take longer than necessary, + in order to follow the directions in spirit, as well as in letter. + </p> + <p> + Eliph' settled himself into one of the chairs before the hotel and opened + his copy of Jarby's Encyclopedia at the chapter on “Courtship—How to + Win the Affections.” He was deep in it when the landlord strolled around + from the livery stable and sank into a chair by his side. + </p> + <p> + “So you made up your mind to stay here, Sammy?” he asked. “I guess the + town'll be glad enough to have you. All this town needs to be a big place + is inhabitants. What you ought to do now it to settle down for good, an' + get married. There's some purty fine women in this town that ain't picked + up yet, but they won't last long, they way they're goin'. Somebody gets + married every couple of months.” + </p> + <p> + Eliph' looked up with a smile. Jim Wilkins did not know he had advised the + very thing he meant to do. + </p> + <p> + “I've thought some about it,” said Eliph', “'most everybody's getting + married now-a-days.” + </p> + <p> + “It's the popular thing 'round here,” said Jim. “Look across the street, + yonder. See that feller just goin' up to the lawyer's office? He's one + that's in the marry class, just now. That's Colonel Guthrie. He lives out + on the first farm beyond Main Street, and he's goin' to marry Sally + Briggs, daughter of old Pap Briggs, that we was talkin' to last night, + here.” + </p> + <p> + Eliph' Hewlitt stared at the Colonel, but he said nothing. He blamed + himself; he had wasted his opportunity. This was what came of being slow! + He should have completed his courtship at the picnic, or last night at the + sale. Jim Wilkins interrupted the thought. + </p> + <p> + “Leastways,” he said, “HE'LL get her if Skinner don't. It's a close run + between him an' Skinner. Skinner ain't so good lookin' as the Colonel, but + he's better fixed. It's Skinner owns our butcher-shop, an' it's Skinner is + buildin' our Opery House Block. Some say Skinner'll get Pap Briggs' money, + an' some says the Colonel will.” + </p> + <p> + “Are there any others?” asked Eliph', looking down the street to where the + raw brick of the opera house glowed in the sun. + </p> + <p> + “After Sally?” asked Jim Wilkins. “Well, there's sev'ral would like to get + her, I dare say. Sally Briggs is a pretty fine sort of woman, an' Pap + Briggs has quite considerable money, but the Colonel an' Skinner has the + inside track. No one else has a chance.” + </p> + <p> + Eliph' stroked his whiskers softly and coughed gently behind his hand. + </p> + <p> + “Briggs, did you say the name was?” he asked. “Seems to me I met a lady at + a picnic up Clarence way that had that name. You said the name was Sally + Briggs?” + </p> + <p> + “That's her,” said Wilkins. “Sally Ann Briggs. She's been visitin' up + there in Clarence.” + </p> + <p> + Eliph' nodded his head slowly. + </p> + <p> + “I seem to recollect her, since you mention it,” he said indifferently, + and then he added, “She spoke as if she might buy a copy of Jarby's + Encyclopedia of Knowledge and Compendium of Literature, Science and Art + when I saw her at that picnic. I guess I'll drop 'round and see if she's + ready to buy. If she' goin' to be married she ought to have a copy.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VIII. The Medium-Sized Box + </h2> + <p> + As Eliph' walked briskly toward Miss Sally's house the Colonel was having + an interesting conversation with Attorney Toole, in the attorney's office + over the Kilo Savings Bank. + </p> + <p> + Attorney Toole had been a lawyer at Franklin, and he had come down to Kilo + because he preferred a being a big toad in a small puddle, rather than a + little toad in a middle-sized one. This was one of his reasons, but + another was that he had complete and full faith in Richard Toole, and + intended to be a political power in the land. He could not be much of + anything in Franklin, for that town was hard and fast Democratic, and + Toole was a Republican. The first step to political preferment is to be + elected to something or other, it does not make much difference what, and + to rise from that to greater things, but a Republican had no chance in + Franklin; couldn't even get an appointment as dog police or wharfmaster; + couldn't get elected to any office at all. + </p> + <p> + So Toole packed up his law books and moved to Kilo, where he was in a + Republican town, a Republican county, and a Republican congressional + district, in a Republican State that formed part of a Republican nation. + He selected Kilo, after considering other good little Republican towns, + because the Republicans of Kilo needed aid and assistance; they were out + of office; kicked out. + </p> + <p> + Every so often the small town of the West turns the regular party out of + office and puts in a Citizens' ticket, just to show that the people still + rule, and to let the greedy officeholders, some of whom get as much as one + hundred dollars a year in salary, know that their offices are not life + positions. When Attorney Toole descended on Kilo, the Citizens' Party was + “in,” and the Republicans were “out,” and the attorney saw an opportunity + of making himself valuable to his party by working to put the party “in” + again. + </p> + <p> + Never before had the Colonel climbed his stairs, and Toole smiled like an + Irish sphinx when the Colonel entered his office. He smiled most of the + time, not because he thought a smile becoming to his freckled face, but + because he found things so eternally amusing. In law a man is considered + innocent until he has been proved guilty; in Kilo Attorney Toole + considered everything amusing until it had been proved serious, and he + considered the Colonel and Skinner, and the whole Citizens' Party they had + been instrumental in organizing, as parts of the same joke. They would + stand until he was ready to lazily push out his hand and topple them over. + It was almost time to topple them, now, and he was glad to see the + Colonel; he motioned him to a seat, and smiled. + </p> + <p> + The Colonel took his hat from his mat of coarse iron-gray hair, and laid + it carefully on the floor. Out of his small sharp eyes ignorance and + cunning peered, and the mass of beard that hid the greater part of his + face could not hide the hard line of his mouth. + </p> + <p> + “I jest dropped up,” he explained, after he had acknowledged the + attorney's cheerful greeting with a gruff “mornin',” “I jest dropped up, + sort of friendly-like, thinkin' you might have nothin' to do, an' might + like to sit an' chin a while. You don't charge nothin' for sittin' an' + chinnin' do ye?” + </p> + <p> + Toole said he did not. + </p> + <p> + “I didn't figger you did,” said the Colonel. “If I'd thought you did I + wouldn't have dropped up, for I ain't got no money to spend on lawyers. + I'd sooner throw money away than spend it at law. But I figgered you was + young at the law yet, and didn't have much to do at it, and I sort of run + across a case I thought might amuse you, like, when you ain't got nothin' + to do. Folks don't seem to have much faith in young lawyers, and you can't + blame 'em; old ones don't know much. All any of 'em care for is to get + people into trouble so they can charge 'em fees to get 'em out of it. So I + thought mebby you'd like to hear of this case so you could kind of mull it + over in your mind whilst you're loafin' up here.” + </p> + <p> + “That was kind of you,” said Toole. + </p> + <p> + “I always like to do a good turn when I can,” said the Colonel, “when it + don't cost nothin'. An' this case I was tellin' you about is a mighty good + one for a young lawyer to study over. Soon as I heard of it I says to + myself 'I'll tell this case to Attorney Toole, an' he'll be grateful to + hear of it.'” + </p> + <p> + The country client usually begins in some such way as this, anxious to get + all the advice he can without having to pay for it, and Toole merely + smiled. + </p> + <p> + “Mebby you know,” said the Colonel, “that there was a feller took board of + Sally Briggs a while back; feller by the name of William Rossiter, that + come through here peddlin' lightnin' rods and pain killer and land knows + what all. Well, he was a rascal. He took board off of Sally Briggs four + weeks, and then he cleared out, and she nor no one else has seen hide nor + hair of him since, and he never paid her one cent. All he ever let on was + to leave this letter stickin' on the pin cushion in his bedroom.” + </p> + <p> + The Colonel dug the letter out of his vest pocket, and Toole read it. It + was short: + </p> + <p> + Dear Miss Briggs: I'm off. Good-by. Business in Kilo is no good. Sorry I + can't square up, but I leave you the box in my room in part payment. W. R. + </p> + <p> + “Prosecution's exhibit No. 1,” said the attorney. + </p> + <p> + “Jest what I was tellin' Miss Sally,” said the Colonel. “I says to her to + keep that paper, and it might come handy. Mebby you heard that me and Miss + Sally was what you might call keepin' company?” + </p> + <p> + “That's interesting,” said Toole. “Been keeping it long?” + </p> + <p> + “Quite some consid'able time,” said the Colonel. “Long enough, land knows, + and we'd a-been done with it by this time and married, if that Skinner + hadn't come crowdin' in where he wasn't wanted. What right has a man like + him to come pushin' in like that? His wife ain't been dead twelve months + yet. It ain't decent of him, is it?” + </p> + <p> + “Do you want a legal opinion?” asked Toole, reaching for a large law book + that lay on the table. + </p> + <p> + “No, I don't!” cried the Colonel in alarm; “I don't want to run up no + charges. I don't care whether it's legal or not, it ain't friendly, after + him and me has worked together buildin' up this Citizens' Party, and all. + What does he mean, sendin' Miss Sally porterhouses, when she only orders + flank steak, like he was wrappin' up love and affection into every steak? + He's got mighty proud since he set out to build that there Kilo Opery + House of his. He's a fool to spend money on an opery house in this town. + He's a beefy, puffy old money bag, he is. He needn't tell ME he expects to + get even on what he spent on that Opery House Block out of what he'll make + on it; he just built it to make a show, so some dumb idiot like Sally + Briggs would think he amounted to more than others, and marry him.” + </p> + <p> + The Colonel brought down his hand with a bang on the attorney's table. + </p> + <p> + “What kind of an idiot did you call Miss Briggs?” asked Toole pleasantly. + </p> + <p> + “I didn't call her no kind!” declared the Colonel. “All I say is, I've + been married once already, and I know how women are. And I know Skinner. + He's lookin' for to pay for that opery house with Pap Brigg's money that + he'll git if he marries Sally. But he won't git it! I'm a-goin' to——” + He was going to say he was going to get it, but he caught himself in time, + and substituted “I'm a-goin' to see to that.” + </p> + <p> + “I see,” said Toole, “and you want to retain me as your attorney in case + you have to sue for breach of promise?” + </p> + <p> + The Colonel scowled. + </p> + <p> + “I don't want to retain, and I don't want to sue, and I don't want no fees + to pay. You get that clear in your mind. If I did, I'd go to a lawyer that + had some experience. I jest dropped up——” + </p> + <p> + “Well, any time you wish, you can just drop down again, Colonel,” said + Toole, but not ill-naturedly. + </p> + <p> + “Now, don't git that way,” said the Colonel. “I jest dropped up to do you + a favor, and you git mad about it! I don't call that friendly. If you was + to do me a favor I wouldn't git mad.” + </p> + <p> + “Go ahead with the favor, then,” said Toole, leaning back in his chair and + putting his feet on his table. + </p> + <p> + “Miss Sally,” said the Colonel, “she told me all about this feller + Rossiter, an' what he said, an' what she said, an' how he come to go to + her house for board, an' how he skipped off, an' she showed me the note he + left on the pin cushion, an' then she come down to business. 'Colonel,' + she says, 'have I a right to take an' keep that box? Have I a right to + open it? Is it mine by law? If I open it can he come back an' sue me, or + anything?' + </p> + <p> + “'Can he?' says I. 'That's the question. Can he?' + </p> + <p> + “'It's a large box,' says Miss Sally. + </p> + <p> + “'A large box, hey?' says I. 'Of course if it was a small box, Miss Sally—but + it is a large box! How large?' + </p> + <p> + “'Quite large,' she says. 'About medium large. Not too large. Besides + anything very large it would be small, but beside anything very small it + would be large.' + </p> + <p> + “I nodded my head to her, to let her see I knew what she was tryin' to + say. 'Medium large,' I says, 'yes, I know just about how big you mean, but + what I'd like to know is, is it heavy?' + </p> + <p> + “'Medium,' she says, 'just medium heavy.' + </p> + <p> + “Well, there she was! A medium heavy, medium-sized box. If it had been a + little bit of a light-weight box I'd 'a' told her to open it and keep it, + for there couldn't have been much in it; and if it had been a big heavy + box I'd have told her she'd better leave it alone; for there wouldn't be + any tellin' whether she had any right to open a box like that one might + have turned out to be. I didn't know how the law stood on that kind of a + box. But it was medium-sized, and I didn't know WHAT to say. + </p> + <p> + “'Miss Sally,' I says, 'I'd like to help you out on this. Any time I can + give you any advice on anything, I'm glad to, but I don't know what to say + about a box that is medium size and medium heavy. You'd ought to get the + law on that subject before you touch that box. Don't you touch that box. + Don't you open it unless there's a law officer standin' by to see you do + it.' + </p> + <p> + “She seen that was good advice,” continued the Colonel, “and I sat there + right in her parlor and thought it over. 'Miss Sally,' I says, after I had + thought all I could about it, 'I believe Attorney Toole would tell you + what to do about that box. There ain't nothin' a lawyer needs more than to + be popular, and there ain't no way to git popular quicker than by doin' + little favors, an' he ought to be glad to do a favor for you, for you're + almost an orphan. Your ma's dead, an' Pap Briggs ain't overly strong, an' + you're liable to be an orphan almost any minute. I can tell by the looks + of Attorney Toole,' I says, 'that he's got a good heart, and if you say + the word I'll ask him what he says to do about that box.' She seemed sort + of put out at what I'd said about orphans, but I seen she was willing to + have me ask you about that box, and I seen it would be doin' you a favor, + too, to tell you about it, so you could sort of exercise your mind on it, + so I jest dropped up——” + </p> + <p> + “Colonel,” said Toole, “this is a very serious case.” He put his hand over + his mouth to hide the smile he could not prevent from coming to his lips. + </p> + <p> + “You don't mean to tell me!” exclaimed the Colonel. “I was afraid there + might be somethin' wrong about it somewheres. But I ain't goin' to go to + no expense about it. It ain't my box——” + </p> + <p> + “I would not take a case like this for money,” said the attorney, turning + suddenly and facing the Colonel with a seriousness that frightened that + cautious soul. “I would not take a case involving a medium-sized, + medium-heavy box; a box left for board by a man from parts unknown, now + departed to parts unknown; a box that may contain stolen property; I would + not take such a case for money, Colonel. But I'll undertake it for + friendship. For friendship only. You ARE my friend, aren't you, Colonel?” + </p> + <p> + “Surely! Surely!” exclaimed the Colonel eagerly. + </p> + <p> + “A medium-sized box,” said Toole, turning his head to hide his smile, + “should be opened only in the presence of an attorney-at-law. That is + legal advice and worth five dollars, but I charge you nothing for it, you + being my friend. Consider it a gift from me to you.” + </p> + <p> + “I'm much obliged,” said the Colonel gruffly. + </p> + <p> + “And now,” said the attorney briskly, “for the MODUS OPERANDI, as we + lawyers say. Has the client, the lady in the case, a hatchet?” + </p> + <p> + The Colonel thought. + </p> + <p> + “I ain't right sure,” he said at length, after he had searched his brain; + “seems like she ought to have, but I've got one, an' I'll loan it to her.” + </p> + <p> + “Good!” exclaimed Toole briskly. “That is better yet. A medium-sized box + left by a transient in payment of default of a board bill should always be + opened, if possible, with a hatchet not the property of the plaintiff. + Chitty says that. It was so ruled in the case of MUGGINS vs. MUGGINS.” + </p> + <p> + He took from his desk a bulky volume, and ran over the pages rapidly. + </p> + <p> + “Box,” he said, “small box-medium box. Here it is. Humph!” + </p> + <p> + The Colonel leaned over the book, but the attorney closed it quickly. + </p> + <p> + “Bring an ax,” he said. “A hatchet would do, but an ax is more legal. + Hatchets for small boxes, axes for medium boxes. There is a later case + than MUGGINS vs. MUGGINS.” + </p> + <p> + “I'll fetch the ax,” agreed the Colonel. + </p> + <p> + “Can you be at the house in half an hour?” asked the attorney. + </p> + <p> + The Colonel could. + </p> + <p> + “You're right sure there ain't goin' to be no charges to this?” he asked + anxiously, and when the attorney had once more assured him there would be + none, he picked his hat from the floor and shuffled into the hall and down + the stairs. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0009" id="link2HCH0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IX. The Witness + </h2> + <p> + When Eliph' Hewlitt reached the Briggs house, he did not hesitate, but + walked right up to the front door and rang the bell. A minute later he saw + the red silk that obstructed the pane of beveled glass in the upper part + of the door drawn ever so slightly to one side and then quickly replaced. + He caught the glisten of an eye, as the red silk was held aside, but the + door did not open. Miss Sally, after the brief glance, tiptoed back + through the hall. She did not want to meet the book agent. + </p> + <p> + Eliph' waited a respectable minute and then rang the bell again, although + he had little belief that this would bring Miss Sally to the door. It is + good form to ring the bell of the front door several times, before going + to the back door, for it may be that the lady of the house is dressing, or + is hastily taking the folded paper “curlers” out of her front hair, or + slipping on her “other skirt” before admitting the visitor. Few indeed are + the front doors in Iowa that open promptly to a knock or a ring. Primping + time must be allowed, and if this, followed by a second ring or knock, does + not open the door, nothing but business permits the visitor to go to the + back door. Having waited, Eliph' went to the back door. It closed almost + as he reached it, and it would not open to his most vigorous knocking. + </p> + <p> + To know a person is in a house, and not to be able to reach that person, + is annoying, and Eliph' had often had this happen to him. The usual course + was to go away and return again; returning a third or fourth time, or + until the door at last opened; but Eliph' was not merely trying to sell a + copy of Jarby's Encyclopedia of Knowledge and Compendium of Literature, + Science and Art this time. He had no time to waste in the usual manner. If + he could not get into one house to sell a book, he could enter another + house and sell a book, but when a man is after a certain heart he does not + care to go to another house and take another heart. Some men do it, but + they are usually sorry afterwards. Eliph' walked to the front of the house + again, and looked at the front door. + </p> + <p> + He felt there should be some way to get into the house and have five + minutes' conversation with Miss Sally. If this Colonel and this Skinner + had already had months or years of opportunity for pressing their suits, + there was not time to be lost, and the sooner he began the sooner he would + win. But none of his ordinary methods of entering unwilling houses would + serve his purpose this time. It would not do to begin by making Miss Sally + unfriendly. So Eliph' tucked his book more snugly under his left arm and + looked at the house. He walked to the gate and looked up at the roof; + walked across the street and viewed the house in perspective; but nothing + useful came of it, so he crossed the street again and tried ringing the + doorbell once more. He rang it sharply and waited. Then he knocked and + waited. He was willing to wait until the door opened, and he leaned + against the porch railing and waited, ringing the doorbell insinuatingly, + or commandingly, or coaxingly, from time to time. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile, the attorney waited until the half hour he had assigned was up, + and then walked toward Miss Briggs' house with briskly business-like + steps. + </p> + <p> + “Now, some folks,” he said to himself, as he walked, “wouldn't get any fun + at all out of a case like this, but I do. That's the way to keep young. + It's why I don't grow stale in this town. It is a small puddle for a toad + of my size, but I hop around and keep things stirred up.” + </p> + <p> + As he neared the house, he saw the Colonel approaching from the opposite + direction, and he waved his hand to him, and the Colonel hurried to meet + him. They turned into the yard together, and saw Eliph' Hewlitt resting + easily against the porch railing. + </p> + <p> + “Nobody's at home?” asked the attorney. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said Eliph'. “Somebody's home, but they don't answer the bell. + </p> + <p> + “Book agent?” said the attorney. “Well, you can't blame them, much. Gems + of literature aren't always wanted.” + </p> + <p> + The Colonel scowled. He felt a personal interest in Pap Briggs' money, and + he resented any attempt to part the old man from any of it. He suffered + almost as deeply at tax time as Pap himself did, and he considered the + money Sally had to pay in installments on Sir Walter Scott as practically + thrown away, and that she might as well have taken it out of his own + pocket. He knocked on the lower step of the porch, with the side of his + ax, angrily. + </p> + <p> + “You git out of this here yard!” he ordered. “I don't want no book agents + a-hangin' around here, an' I won't have it. You clean out of here!” + </p> + <p> + Eliph' coughed lightly behind his hand, but the words of reproof that he + intended to launch softly at the Colonel were never spoken. + </p> + <p> + “Well, this IS lucky!” cried the attorney, holding out his hand to Eliph'. + “Colonel, this is the best luck we could have had. Here we need a witness, + and here we have him right on the spot! I was going to stop and get + Skinner on the way down, and then I thought maybe, from what you said, you + and Skinner were not very friendly, so I didn't, and now I'm glad I + didn't. We find a witness right here on the porch, just as if he had been + ordered to be here. I call that a good omen.” + </p> + <p> + The Colonel was not pleased, and he showed it, but he really had nothing + that he could urge against this book agent, so he said nothing. The + attorney rang the bell, and Miss Sally, having peeped out to see the + meaning of so many men on her porch, recognized the Colonel and the + attorney, and opened the door. The attorney stood back to let Eliph' + enter, and then followed him in. The three men stood in the little + hallway, hats in hand, while Toole explained why they had come, and Miss + Sally led the way to the second-floor room where the box stood. + </p> + <p> + It was an impressive scene as the four gathered around the box. + </p> + <p> + “Knock off the lid!” said the attorney firmly. The Colonel raised his ax + and struck. The board splintered but remained firm. “Legally,” said the + attorney, “you may strike three blows.” + </p> + <p> + At the third blow a portion of the lid fell clattering to the floor, and + the three men and Miss Sally peered anxiously into the box. From it the + Colonel tenderly lifted a nickel-plated cylinder, as tall as a man's knee + and as large around as a leg of mutton. It had a convex top, and on one + side a dial. From near the base a long rubber tube extended. + </p> + <p> + The Colonel handled the thing gently. He held it in his hands as an old + bachelor might handle his newborn nephew, and Miss Sally looked anxiously + into his face, appealing for enlightenment. The Colonel studied the thing + carefully, and then looked into the box again, and back at the glittering + object in his hands. There were three more exactly like it in the box. + </p> + <p> + “What is it?” asked Miss Sally nervously. It looked explosive. + </p> + <p> + The gingerly manner in which the Colonel handled the dangerous-looking + thing aroused her suspicions. She backed away from it. Eliph' Hewlitt + opened his lips to speak, but the attorney motioned him to be still. + </p> + <p> + “Don't you know what it is?” Miss Sally asked, appealing to the Colonel. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said the Colonel, but he still looked at the glistening affair with + doubt. “Oh, yes! But I can't see what that there young feller was doin' + with four of 'em. I can't see what he was doin' with 'em anyhow. Mebby,” + he said, “he was agent for 'em.” + </p> + <p> + “He was agent for 'most everything I ever heard tell of a man bein' agent + for,” said Miss Sally, “but I wish you'd tell me what they are.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, ma'm,” said the Colonel, “this is fire-extinguishers; patent + chemical fire-extinguishers. I know because I recall seein' some once when + I was down to Jefferson. They had 'em in a theater there. They put out + fires with 'em.” + </p> + <p> + “Well!” exclaimed Miss Sally. “How do you ever suppose anybody would put + out a fire with a thing like that?” + </p> + <p> + The Colonel turned the affair over and over. + </p> + <p> + “I didn't study that up,” he admitted, “but I guess if I take time I can + find out how the thing works. They squirt out of this here tube somehow.” + </p> + <p> + He turned up the end of the tube and squinted into it. Again Eliph' + Hewlitt was about to speak, but the attorney caught his eye and winked, + and the little book agent held his tongue. + </p> + <p> + “Well, land's sakes!” exclaimed Miss Sally, “What am I goin' to do with + four fire-extinguishers, I'd like to know?” She asked the question as if + the Colonel had got her into this thing of the ownership of the + fire-extinguishers, and she looked to him to take the responsibility. He + was quite willing to accept it. + </p> + <p> + “I've got to think that over,” he said. “A feller can't decide right off + hand what to do with four fire-extinguishers. It looks to me as if they + was worth a lot more than the young feller owed you, Miss Sally. They + ain't no doubt about Miss Sally havin' a right to 'em, is there, Mister + Toole?” + </p> + <p> + “Not a bit of doubt!” exclaimed Toole cheerfully. “She has every right in + the world. You've got a witness that they came out of that box, and she + can sell, give, donate, assign, or bequeath them, for better or for + worse.” + </p> + <p> + “Then that's all right,” said the Colonel, “an' I guess that's all we need + you for.” + </p> + <p> + “Except to settle the witness fees with this gentleman,” said Toole, + turning to Eliph', who was still eager to say a word or two. “But mebby, + if I have a word or two with him, I can fix it up without making any + expense for you.” + </p> + <p> + He drew Eliph' to one side. + </p> + <p> + “What's the cost of that book you're selling?” he asked. “Well, I'll take + one. I don't take one for a bribe, but because I can see you're not the + sort of man that would sell a book that wasn't worth the money. I want + that book. And just you keep still about those fire-extinguishers. Between + you and me, those are first-class nickel-plated lung-testers, and not + fire-extinguishers. But that doesn't matter. There's just about as heavy a + call for fire-extinguishers in Kilo as there is for lung-testers. Can you + keep still about it?” + </p> + <p> + “I can,” said Eliph' Hewlitt, “and you'll never regret having bought a + copy of Jarby's Encyclopedia of Knowledge and Compendium of Literature, + Science and Art. It is a book that should be in every man's hand, and in + every home. If you owned a copy now, you would know is value to man, + woman, or child. I was going to try to sell one to Miss Briggs when you + came, and if you could help me to——” + </p> + <p> + The attorney smiled. This was the sort of game he enjoyed. “Don't tell + about the lung-testers,” he whispered, and turned to Miss Sally. “Miss + Briggs,” he said, “will you let this gentleman have a few minutes of your + time? I want him to show you a book he has. It is a book that should be in + every home. If you will give him a few minutes.” + </p> + <p> + He did not wait for Miss Sally to answer, but turned to the scowling + Colonel. + </p> + <p> + “Colonel,” he said, “I want you to walk down to the office with me. I + shouldn't wonder if you could sell those fire-extinguishers right here in + Kilo.” + </p> + <p> + The four descended the stairs together, and the Colonel would willingly + have lingered, but the attorney took him by the arm and jovially steered + him out of the door. Miss Sally, too, would gladly have had the Colonel + remain, to protect her from the book agent, and to say “no” when the + appeal to buy was reached, but Eliph' retreated into the darkness of the + parlor, and took a seat in the corner of the room, and Miss Sally, unable + now to escape him, seated herself as far from him as she could. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER X. The Boss Grafter + </h2> + <p> + Eliph' Hewlitt was resolved that into this interview no words regarding + Jarby's Encyclopedia of Knowledge and Compendium of Literature, Science + and Art should enter. With two such favored rivals in the field, and with + such difficulty in getting into the house as he had experienced, he meant + to get well acquainted in a hurry. Miss Sally sat stiffly in her chair, + steeling herself to refuse the request to buy a copy of the book. Her + usually attractive face was stern, as she looked at Eliph' Hewlitt, and + she watched him suspiciously as he slowly combed his whiskers with his + fingers, as if she feared this was some part of the operation by which he + was charming her into a hypnotic state in which she would sign for a book + without knowing why. She nerved herself to ward off whatever insinuating + words he should first say, and Eliph', as he studied her face, sought + words that would advance him at one bound deep into the state of being + well acquainted. It was a trying moment for both. + </p> + <p> + Then, so suddenly that Miss Sally almost jumped from her chair, Eliph' + coughed behind his hand, and spoke. + </p> + <p> + “It seems like it would be as hot to-day as it was yesterday, if it don't + shower before night,” he said, and smiled pleasantly as he said it. + </p> + <p> + Miss Sally was taken off her guard, and before she was aware she had + answered, quite as politely as she would have answered the minister + himself. + </p> + <p> + “It's awful hot,” she said. “I guess Kilo's the hottest place on earth in + summer.” + </p> + <p> + “Not the hottest,” answered Eliph', leaning forward eagerly. “You wouldn't + say that if you had a copy of Jarby's Encyclopedia of Knowledge and + Compendium of Literature, Science and Art, and studied it up the way I do. + Page 442 gives all the hottest places on earth, with the record highest + temperature of each, together with all the coldest places, where there is + the greatest rainfall, and a chronological table of all the great famines, + floods, storms, hot and cold spells the earth has ever known, from the + time of Adam to the present day, with pictures of the Johnstown flood, and + diagrams of Noah's Ark. This, with the chapter on the Physical Geography + of Land and Sea, telling of tides, typhoons, trade winds, tornadoes, et + cetery, explains why and how weather happens. All this and ten thousand + other subjects, all indexed from A to Z in one book——” + </p> + <p> + He paused suddenly, appalled to think that he was already far from his + resolve not to mention Jarby's Encyclopedia, and, as his voice still hung + on the last word he had spoken, the doorbell rang, and Miss Sally jumped + up, happy for any interruption. She merely turned her head to say: + </p> + <p> + “I guess I don't want one to-day,” and then Eliph' heard her open the + door, and greet the newcomers as she welcomed them into the hall. They + were Mrs. Tarbro-Smith and Susan, and, as Miss Sally hurried them up the + stairs to remove their dusty hats, she leaned back and called to Eliph': + </p> + <p> + “You can get right out the door,” she said, “it ain't shut. I guess I + won't have no more time to spend listenin' to you to-day.” + </p> + <p> + For half an hour Eliph' waited, listening to the chatter of voices, and + then he quietly stole from the house and stepped gently out of the yard. + There was no sense in waiting longer, and he knew it. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Tarbro-Smith, receiving a letter from the editor of MURRAY'S + MAGAZINE, had learned at length that Clarence was not typical Iowa, and + she had transferred her field of study to Kilo on his recommendation. She + meant to spend the rest of the season there, and hoped Miss Sally would + take her to board. She found that Miss Sally would be glad, indeed, to + have her company, and Mrs. Smith did not think it necessary to mention + that she was looking for local color and types. She was pleased when she + heard that Eliph' Hewlitt, who had so interested her, was “working” Kilo. + </p> + <p> + As Eliph' Hewlitt walked toward the hotel he felt that another opportunity + had been lost—thrown away—by his inability to avoid Jarby's + Encyclopedia as a topic, and for one moment he came as near giving up Miss + Sally as he ever came to giving up anything. In that moment he saw the + simplicity of his courtship, as he had imagined it would be, resolve + itself into a tangled affair, as all these new individualities entered + into it. Instead of being a mere matter between himself and Miss Sally, it + was involving men and women, one after the other. It seemed to become a + fight between himself, a singer stranger in Kilo, and an endless chain of + interested citizens. Already there was Pap Briggs, who hated book agents; + the Colonel and Skinner, who hoped to win Miss Sally; Mrs. Smith, who + would serve as a defense against Eliph's attacks; and, as he walked down + the street, he seemed to see in every man, woman, and child, a possible + ally of either the Colonel or Skinner. But he tucked his sample copy of + Jarby's under his arm more securely, and braced up his courage. He even + whistled as he approached the hotel, but, when he glanced up at the + attorney's office and saw Toole and the Colonel with their head together, + he stopped whistling. If Toole was going to take either side, Eliph' would + have liked to claim him. Toole was a smart man. + </p> + <p> + Toole and the Colonel left Miss Sally's with the attorney well pleased, + and his enigmatic smile rested on his face as he led the Colonel to his + office. He handed him a chair, and made him take a cigar, and then turned + and faced him. + </p> + <p> + “Now,” he said, “what are you going to do with those + what-do-you-call-'ems?” + </p> + <p> + “Them fire-extinguishers?” said the Colonel, licking the cigar around and + around before lighting it. “Well, I ain't had much time to think that over + yet. A feller can't decide on a thing like that all at once. It ain't + likely no one in Kilo would buy a fire-extinguisher like them, all + nickel-plated, if they had their senses about 'em. 'Twouldn't be natural. + I might raffle 'em off, only nobody'd be likely to buy chances on a + fire-extinguisher. I might take 'em down to Jefferson, but I don't see as + that would do much good, nobody'd be likely to buy fire-extinguishers off + of me down there.” + </p> + <p> + “No,” said the attorney, turning to his table and looking over some + papers, with an appearance of interest, “No, I guess not. I don't see that + you can do much of anything with them, unless you use them for ornaments. + It seems a pity that Miss Briggs didn't go to Skinner for advice about + that box, instead of you, doesn't it?” + </p> + <p> + The Colonel stopped with a lighted match half way to his cigar. + </p> + <p> + “What do you mean?” he asked, red in the face. “Do you mean that puffy old + beef-cutter's got more sense than what I have, young man?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, no,” said the attorney, carelessly. “Not at all. I was just thinking + that if Skinner HAD opened that box, and HAD found fire-extinguishers in + it, it would have been a fine chance for him to say to Miss Briggs, + 'Madam, I am building in this town an opera house, known as Skinner's + Opera House. The safety of the people of Kilo demands fire-extinguishers + in Skinner's Opera House. I will take those four nickel-plated appliances + and install them in my opera house, and allow you ten dollars apiece for + them, cash or meat.' But, of course,” continued the attorney innocently, + “you can't do that; you haven't built an opera house.” + </p> + <p> + The Colonel's little eyes peered at the attorney, and they were filled + with cunning. Across his hard mouth a smile crept and broadened until he + had to lay his hand across it, it was so indecently wide and exultant. + </p> + <p> + “Skinner is no fool,” continued the attorney. “As soon as he hears that + Miss Briggs has those four things he will probably rush right up to her + house and offer to buy them. It would be a great feather in his cap with + her, if he could get the credit of having thought of it. I shouldn't + wonder if he had heard of what was in that box by this time. It seems a + pity, doesn't it, that he should get all the credit after you have done + all the work?” + </p> + <p> + The Colonel looked at the noncommittal face of the attorney, and smiled + again. This was a sort of cunning he could appreciate, and he leaned over + and gave Toole a sly poke in the ribs, to show him that he understood. + Toole looked at him with a blank face, and at this the Colonel slapped his + knee, and uttered a mirthful noise that was like the sound of a man + choking. He clapped his greasy hat on his mat of hair and went out, + pausing at the door to look back and grin at the attorney once more. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Skinner was trimming a roast. He had just cut off a piece of suet, + which he held in his plump red hand as he listened to the Colonel's + proposition to sell him four nickel-plated fire-extinguishers at ten + dollars each. Perhaps the Colonel spoke too impetuously; too commandingly. + Skinner held the lump of suet offensively near the Colonel's nose as he + answered. + </p> + <p> + “Fire-extinguishers!” he laughed. “Me buy fire-extinguishers? I wouldn't + give THAT for them.” + </p> + <p> + He shook the suet before the Colonel's eyes. + </p> + <p> + “No, sir!” he sneered. “I wouldn't give THAT for them. And I throw that + away!” + </p> + <p> + “Skinner,” said the Colonel, growing dangerously red in the face, “don't + you shake no meat in MY face like that! Don't you dare do it! I won't have + no butcher shake meat in MY face. You low-down beef-killer. That's all you + are, a beef-killer.” + </p> + <p> + “Mebby,” admitted the butcher indifferently. “Mebby I am, but I don't buy + no fire-extinguishers. And I don't take much stock in agents for them, + neither. No. Nor in gold bricks. Nor green good. No.” + </p> + <p> + The Colonel raised his fist and brought it down on the butcher's counter + so hard that the meat scales danced, and the indicator jerked nervously + across the face of the dial, weighing a half pound of anger. The butcher + leaned back against the shopping block, and gently caressed the handle of + his cleaver. He pointed to the door with his other hand. + </p> + <p> + “Git out!” he said, and the Colonel scowled but went. + </p> + <p> + On his way home the Colonel bethought himself of a good excuse to stop at + Miss Sally's. He had left his ax there, and he went to the back door, this + not being a formal call. Miss Sally came to the door when he knocked, and + brought him the ax, and he took the opportunity to say a bad word for + Skinner, and he was astounded to find that she sympathized with Skinner on + his refusal to buy the fire-extinguishers. + </p> + <p> + “I don't wonder at it,” she said, “seeing he has put so much money on that + opery house already. He's done a lot for this town that nobody else would + ever have thought of doin'. Mr Skinner's a very public-spirited citizen, + and to think he made it all out of sellin' meat! It must be a good + business. I guess you'll have to excuse me now, Colonel Guthrie, I've got + visitors down from Clarence.” + </p> + <p> + The Colonel's steps dragged as he walked home. Never had Miss Sally said + so many good words for his rival. She had almost rebuffed his good offices + in the attempt to sell the fire-extinguishers, and had praised Skinner to + his face. + </p> + <p> + Early the next morning he “dropped up” into the office of Attorney Toole, + and as that young man lay back in his chair, with his feet on his desk, he + told him the whole story. The attorney smiled. This was the kind of split + in the ranks of the Citizens' Party that he had hoped to promote. + </p> + <p> + “After that, Colonel,” he said, when the Colonel had told him that Skinner + had ordered him out of the shop, “you ought to MAKE him buy them.” + </p> + <p> + “I wisht I could, dog take him!” cried the Colonel. “I'd like to make him + eat 'em.” + </p> + <p> + “Colonel,” said Toole, “I see you are, as always, guided by a spirit of + conservative kindness. You hesitate to force that butcher to do what he + does not want to do. The feeling does you honor, but is it business? You + hesitate even when you see how easily you could force him to do what he + is in duty bound to do to protect the lives of our trustful citizens. I + admire your gentleness, but I deplore your unbusinesslike moderation. You + lack public spirit.” + </p> + <p> + The Colonel grinned savagely. He felt that the attorney was teasing him, + but he could not quite tell how. + </p> + <p> + “You,” said Toole easily, “knowing that our town council can, and should, + pass an ordinance compelling all owners of opera houses to install + nickel-plated fire-extinguishers—to install four of them in each + opera house in Kilo—for the protection of our people, hesitate to + ask them to pass such an ordinance. You hesitate because you do not wish + to appear malevolent toward a rival. Now, don't you?” + </p> + <p> + “Me be kind to that fat, pig-stealing, sausage-grinding——” + snorted the Colonel, but the attorney stopped him with a lifted hand. + </p> + <p> + “Just what I said,” exclaimed the attorney. “You are too kind; too + considerate; too regardful of his feelings. But would he be so kind and + considerate and regardful of your feelings, if he was in your place?” + </p> + <p> + He lowered his feet and his voice, and placed his hand on the Colonel's + knee. + </p> + <p> + “No!” he whispered hoarsely. “No!” he cried loudly and defiantly. “No! He + would not! He would use the influence you have with the city council and + the mayor to have an ordinance passed making YOU put fire-extinguishers in + YOUR opera house, and compel YOU to buy them of HIM. But you will not use + your huge influence with Mayor Stitz and the city council. You hesitate.” + </p> + <p> + Toole shook his head sadly; he almost wept out the last word, he seemed so + heartbroken to see the Colonel hesitate. + </p> + <p> + “Why hesitate?” he asked. “If I were not a stranger in town, as I may say, + I should beg you not to hesitate. I should beg you to act. I should beg + you to think of the lives of poor, helpless women and children. I should + beg you, for humanity's sake, to go to the honorable mayor and city + council, and appeal to them to pass an ordinance compelling this Skinner + to buy nickel-plated fire-extinguishers. To compel him, Colonel! But I + have nothing to say.” + </p> + <p> + He shuffled the legal-looking papers that littered his desk. The Colonel's + eyes had narrowed to fine points of hate-instilled cunning as the attorney + proceeded. + </p> + <p> + “What have we come to,” asked the attorney sadly, “when the leading + citizens of a town like Kilo neglect their duty? Are there no true + citizens left to show the mayor and city council their plain duty?” + </p> + <p> + When the Colonel had the thing put to him in this light he did not + hesitate. He knew Stitz, the mayor, and he knew that Stitz had full + control of the city council. What Stitz told it to do the city council + did, and the Colonel believed he had a right to dictate what Stitz should + tell it, for he had suggested the name of Stitz as candidate for mayor, + and, with Skinner, had helped elect him. He went at once to the mayor, and + laid the case before him. + </p> + <p> + Mayor Johann Stitz was an honest, upright shoemaker, and owned his own + building. It had once been a street car in Franklin, and when the horse + cars were superseded by electric cars, Stitz had bought this car at + auction, and had paid ten dollars to have it hauled to Kilo. It had not + been a very good car when it left the shops before it made its first trip, + and the ten years of running off the track and being boosted on again had + not improved it much. It was in pretty bad shape when Stitz picked it up + for eighteen dollars, and it had deteriorated greatly since it had been + doing duty as a cobbler's shop, but Stitz liked it. The tiny car stove + that stood midway of one of the seats was all he needed in cold weather, + and the seats along the sides were a continuous spread of cobblers' seats. + He could cobble all the way up one side of the car and all the way back + the other, and when he had customers waiting he always had a seat to give + them. He and the whole city council could hold a caucus in the car, and + all have seats, and in the evenings he could take a stool out on his front + or back porch and smoke a pipe in peace. His car stood side by side with + the round topped wagon of the traveling photographer, who had not traveled + since his felloes gave out on that very lot six years before. + </p> + <p> + The city officers of the Citizens' Party, being of an independent part, + were so independent that they were worried and chafed by their + independence. No one but a man in office knows the real blessedness of + having the set beliefs and an traditions of a regular party to fall back + upon. The independence of the independents made their work more difficult; + it compelled them to decide things for themselves, and then everybody + complained of what they did. No independent is ever satisfied with what + another independent does, and they lost even the satisfaction of knowing + that they were pleasing their own part, which a properly service Democrat + or Republican is rather apt to be sure of. In this state of things the six + councilmen had thrown their burdens of decision to Stitz. They cast the + whole burden on him, saying, “Ask Stitz. He's mayor. What he says, we'll + do.” And Stitz never would say. + </p> + <p> + As the Colonel entered the mayor's shoe shop Stitz was reading a magazine, + which he laid beside him on the car seat while he listened to the Colonel. + A pile of similar magazines lay beside him on the seat. They were the + missionary offerings of Doc Weaver, who was interested in whatever was + latest in religion, government or popular science. They were magazines + telling of the municipal corruption of “New York, The Vile,” + “Philadelphia, Defiled but Happy,” “Chicago, the Base,” and “St. Louis, + the Decayed.” Doc Weaver had given them to Mayor Stitz to show him the + evil of graft, and to keep his administration clean and pure. + </p> + <p> + When the Colonel had laid before the mayor his request for an ordinance + compelling all opera house owners in Kilo to install and maintain four + nickel-plated fire-extinguishers in each opera house, the mayor beamed on + him through his iron-rimmed spectacles. + </p> + <p> + “Ho! Ho-o!” he exclaimed, “it is to make Mister Skinner buy some + fire-extinguishers, yes? So shall my city council pass an ordinance, yes? + Um!” + </p> + <p> + He smiled broadly at the Colonel, and then nodded. + </p> + <p> + “For how much you graft me?” he asked blandly. + </p> + <p> + “What?” asked the Colonel. + </p> + <p> + “Graft me,” repeated Mayor Stitz. “I say for how much you will graft me + when I shall pass one such ordinance my council through?” + </p> + <p> + “What's that?” asked the Colonel, puzzled. + </p> + <p> + “For how much you will make me one graft?” Mayor Stitz repeated slowly. + “Graft! Graft! Understand him not?” + </p> + <p> + The Colonel shook his head. + </p> + <p> + “What is it?” he asked. + </p> + <p> + “Graft! Graft! Graft!” exclaimed the mayor with annoyance. “Don't you know + him? When I make you one ordinance to pass, so, then you make me one + graft, so! Like I read me in this book. Me to you, one ordinance; you to + me one graft. So!” + </p> + <p> + A look of dismay came over the face of the Colonel, as he frowned at the + smooth, honest face of the mayor, from which beamed eyes of childish + honesty and frankness. + </p> + <p> + “Here in this book,” said the mayor slowly and distinctly, like one + explaining some simple thing to a child, “I read me of this graft + business. It is to me this graft comes. So it is by all big cities. Man + would have one ordinance. Goot! In every town is such one boss grafter. To + the boss grafter gives the ordinance-wanting man a graft. So! Then for the + ordinance-wanting man does the boss grafter get one ordinance made like is + wanted. Yes! So, it is; no graft, no ordinance! Some graft, some + ordinance! I read him in this book Doc Weaver gives me as a lesson to go + by. It is a goot way. I like me that graft business.” + </p> + <p> + A glimmer of the meaning entered the Colonel's mind, but he could hardly + connect the idea of graft with the honest Johann Stitz. As a fact, to + Mayor Stitz the idea of unlawful gain did not come. Graft was a way out of + the difficulty of having to decide things. It was a system authorized by + the lawmakers of great cities, and a system that could operate in Kilo. + Whenever Stitz and his council passed an ordinance someone complained, and + upbraided him; he saw now why this was; they had not used the approved + system. But the Colonel still frowned. + </p> + <p> + “Well, what—how much do you want?” he asked. + </p> + <p> + Mayor Stitz turned up his innocent face and smiled blandly again. + </p> + <p> + “That makes not!” he exclaimed. “In the books it says much money, but is + not yet Kilo so gross as New York. We go easy yet a while. It is what you + want to graft me. One bushel apples—one bushel potatoes—that + YOU must say.” + </p> + <p> + The Colonel moved closer to the mayor. He thought of Miss Sally, and of + Skinner. + </p> + <p> + “I will make you a present of a bushel of apples,” he said. + </p> + <p> + The mayor laid down his magazine and arose. As the Colonel watched him + with surprise, he removed his leathern apron. The Colonel folded his hand + into a fist, but on the pleasant face of Mayor Stitz there was no sign of + anger; no sign of righteous indignation; only a bland look of + satisfaction. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” inquired the Colonel impatiently, “will ye put the ordinance + through, or won't ye?” + </p> + <p> + The mayor looked at him with surprise in every feature. Clearly this + Colonel did not understand the first rudiments of graft. + </p> + <p> + “First I must go by Mr. Skinner,” said Stitz simply. “Mebby he grafts me + more NOT to pass such an ordinance.” + </p> + <p> + “Look here, Stitz,” said the Colonel in alarm. “You ain't goin' to do + that, are ye?” + </p> + <p> + “Vell,” said the mayor, “still must I do it! So always does the boss + grafter. Which side grafts him the most, so he does. It is always so, + never different. To the most grafter, so goes he. I read it in this books. + When the boss grafter does not so, what use is the grafts? How then does + he know which he shall do for, the ordinance-wanting man, or the + ordinance-not-wanting man?” + </p> + <p> + The Colonel tried to argue with him, but the mayor was obdurate. He would + not budge from the highest principles of graft, and, as the Colonel had + gone too far now to recede with honor, he secured the best terms he could. + The most he could obtain was a promise that the mayor would not mention + any names, nor so much as hint that graft had been promised. He uneasily + awaited the mayor's return. + </p> + <p> + Stitz returned radiant. He was rubbing his hands and beaming. + </p> + <p> + “Fine!” he exclaimed. “Fine! I make me one boss grafter yet! Mister + Skinner grafts me one roast beef and six pigs' feet. He ain't much liking + those fire-extinguishers to have. How much more will you graft me now?” + </p> + <p> + The Colonel looked the mayor squarely in the eye. + </p> + <p> + “Stitz,” he said, “I ain't goin' to run no auction with that there + Skinner. I come to you first, an' I was the first to say I'd make you a + present, an' you ought to pass that ordinance anyhow. But to shut up this + thing right here an' now, I'll do this: if you'll say you'll pass that + ordinance like I want, so Skinner'll have to buy them four nickel-plated + fire-extinguishers that Miss Briggs owns, at twenty-five dollars each, + I'll give you four bushels of Benoni apples, two bushels of Early Rose + potatoes, four bunches of celery, a peck of peas, and one spring chicken. + And if you won't” he added, raising his hand threateningly, “I'll go to + them six councilmen, an' I'll graft 'em one at a time, an' THEN where 'll + your boss grafter be? You can't help yourself.” + </p> + <p> + “Say!” he exclaimed, “ain't I a boss grafter? Apples, potatoes, celery, + peas, and chickens! Five grafts for one ordinance! I do it!” + </p> + <p> + “An' don't you say nothing about it,” warned the Colonel. + </p> + <p> + The Colonel thought there would be no harm in making a little commission + for himself on the deal. It was not as if he had done nothing to earn it. + He would have to furnish the produce for the mayor's “graft,” and he had + secured the services of Toole free of fees, and he was doing Miss Sally a + good turn into the bargain. If Skinner was compelled to buy the four + fire-extinguishers at twenty-five dollars each Miss Sally could afford a + commission of ten dollars each, and forty dollars were always forty + dollars to the Colonel. + </p> + <p> + The mayor kept his promise. At the next meeting of the council the + ordinance was proposed, and hurried to a third reading by suspension of + the by-laws, and the next day Stitz signed it. There was some opposition + at the council meeting, for Skinner was present, and wanted to talk, but + the marshal was present, too, and at a word from Stitz, he helped Skinner + down the stairs, but gently, as a marshal owing a considerable butcher's + bill should. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0011" id="link2HCH0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XI. The False Gods of Doc Weaver + </h2> + <p> + When Eliph' Hewlitt reached the hotel after his unfortunate visit of + courtship, he stood a minute irresolute, and then the sign of the KILO + TIMES, across the street, caught his eye. Here was a power he must not + neglect; the power of the press. He knew well enough that the next issue + of the KILO TIMES would chronicle his arrival in town; something like “E. + Hewlitt is registered at the Kilo Hotel,” or “E. Hewlitt, representing a + New York publishing house, is sojourning in our midst,” but he felt that + his heart interest in Kilo demanded something more than this. He was + willing to have all the friends he could muster for the fight he would + have to make for Miss Sally's affection, and he knew that the press was + powerful in creating first impressions. He crossed the street and climbed + the stair to the office of the KILO TIMES. + </p> + <p> + Every Thursday, except once a year, when Thomas Jefferson Jones went to + the State Fair at Des Moines, the KILO TIMES appeared, printed on an old + Washington hand-power press in the TIMES office four small pages, backed + by four other pages that came already printed from a Chicago supply house, + with the usual assortment of serial story, “Hints to Farmers,” column of + jokes, sermon, and patent medicine advertisements. T. J.'s own side was + made up of local advertisements, a column of editorial, a few bits of + local news that he could scrape together, and several columns of “country + correspondence.” T. J. himself was the entire force of the TIMES, except + for a boy who came in every Thursday morning to work the hand-power of the + press, who then washed up and delivered the papers about town. T. J. had + built up the paper from a state of decay until it was one of the most + prosperous country weeklies in Iowa, and he had done this against a + handicap that would have discouraged most men—he was not married. + </p> + <p> + In Kilo subscriptions are frequently paid in turnips or cordwood, and the + advertisers expect at least half of their bills to be taken out in trade, + and the unmarried publisher is at a disadvantage. An unmarried publisher + has little use for the trade half of the payment he received from the + advertising milliner. No editor can appear in public wearing a gorgeously + flowered hat of the type known as “buzzard,” and retain the respect of his + subscribers. Neither can he receive as currency, in a year when the turnip + crop is unusually plentiful, more than sixty or seventy bushels of turnips + in one day without having to get rid of them at a severe discount. But, in + spite of all this, T. J., by his energy and good humor, had made a success + of the TIME, and his editorials advising the people not to patronize the + Chicago mail-order houses, but to patronize their home merchants, were + copied by his contemporaries all over the State. One of his editorials on + the prospects of the year's hog crop was quoted by the hog editor of a big + Chicago daily, word for word. These are the real triumphs of country + journalism, and all over the State his paper was referred to by his + brother editors as “Our enterprising contemporary, the KILO TIMES,” and T. + J. as “The brilliant young editor of the same.” + </p> + <p> + When Eliph' Hewlitt entered the printing office T. J. was standing by his + case setting up an item of news. He never wrote anything but editorials on + paper; other matter he composed in type as he went along. It saved time. + Now he laid his “stick” on the case and turned to Eliph'. + </p> + <p> + “My name is Hewlitt, Eliph' Hewlitt,” said the book agent, “agent for + Jarby's Encyclopedia of Knowledge and Compendium of Literature, Science + and Art,' published by Jarby & Goss, New York; price five dollars, + neatly bound in cloth, one dollar down, and one dollar a month until + paid.” + </p> + <p> + As the editor was about to speak, Eliph' raised his hand. + </p> + <p> + “I don't want to sell you one!” he exclaimed. “We are members of the same + craft, and I never canvass publishers, except to offer them a chance to + buy this book at a very liberal discount offered by our firm to the fellow + members of the great craft, a discount of forty percent, bringing the cost + of the book, complete in every respect and exactly like those sold + regularly for five dollars, down to the phenomenally low cost of three + dollars. At this price no publisher can afford to be without a copy, + containing, as it does, all the matter usually found in the most complete + and expensive encyclopedias, and much more, all condensed into one volume + for ready reference. It saves times and money.” + </p> + <p> + T. J. shook his head, not unkindly, but positively, and was about to turn + to his case again, but Eliph' held out his hand. + </p> + <p> + “I merely mentioned it,” he said, with a smile. “I don't want to sell you + one. I supposed you would have learned from the landlord that I was in + town and I only wanted to be sure that you got the item right for the next + paper.” + </p> + <p> + T. J. turned to his galleys and read from the type: + </p> + <p> + “'One of the visitors to our little burg this week is E. Hewlitt, of New + York, who is stopping at the Kilo House.'” + </p> + <p> + Eliph' stroked his whiskers and smiled. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” he said. “Quite correct. H-e-w-l-i-t-t, I presume? A very good + item, and well worded, but it might be more—more extensive.” + </p> + <p> + “We are rather crowded for space this week,” said T. J. “Two of our + country correspondents missed the mails last week, and we have a double + dose of it this week.” + </p> + <p> + “Certainly,” said Eliph'. “But I was thinking that this book ought to be + mentioned. The advent of a book like Jarby's Encyclopedia of Knowledge and + Compendium of Literature, Science and Art, containing, as it does, + selections from the world's best literature, hints and helps for each and + every day in the year, recipes for the kitchen, the dying words of all the + world's great men, with their lives, et cetery, ought to be noticed. I was + wondering if you would have space to run in a little card about that + book.” + </p> + <p> + T. J. came forward and brushed a heap of exchanges from the only chair in + the office, and motioned to it with his hand. Eliph' laid his book on the + editor's desk, and picked up a copy of last week's TIMES. He ran his eye + over the columns, and stopped at the advertisement of Skinner, the + butcher. + </p> + <p> + “I was thinking of something about twice the size of this,” he suggested. + </p> + <p> + T. J. smiled and mentioned his rate for the space. It was not much, and + Eliph' nodded. + </p> + <p> + “Every week, until forbid,” he said, “and I guess I'd better subscribe. I + am going to live right here in Kilo right along now, and the man that don't + take his home paper never knows what is going on.” + </p> + <p> + T. J. was pleased. He was more pleased when Eliph' pulled a long purse + from his pocket, and paid for one insertion of the advertisement and for + the subscription. The editor pulled a pad of paper toward himself, and + wrote hastily, while Eliph' briefly mentioned facts. When the next number + of the TIMES appeared there was a well-displayed advertisement of Jarby's + Encyclopedia, with Eliph' Hewlitt mentioned as agent, but more important + to Eliph' was the “local item” that stood at the very top of the local + column. + </p> + <p> + “We are glad to announce that Kilo has secured as a citizen Eliph' + Hewlitt, a man whose work in behalf of good literature entitles him to the + highest praise. Mr. Hewlitt, who intends to make his home with us + permanently, is representative of the celebrated work, Jarby's + Encyclopedia of Knowledge and Compendium of Literature, Science and Art, + published by Jarby & Goss, Greater New York, and his travels in behalf + of that work have taken him to all parts of the nation. To have a man of + such extensive travel decide to make Kilo his home is an honor. Mr. + Hewlitt says that in all his travels he never found a town more up-to-date + and progressive for its size than our own little burg. We heartily welcome + him to our midst. + </p> + <p> + “We have it on good authority that Mr. Hewlitt is a man of considerable + means, amassed in carrying on his work as a disseminator of literature, + and that he intends, in the near future, to purchase a home here. He will + probably buy a lot, and erect a dwelling that will be a credit to him and + to our little burg. At present he is stopping with Doctor Weaver, the + leading physician of our little burg. + </p> + <p> + “We learn that our new citizen has followed a habit universally adopted by + many authors, theatrical artists, and others gifted in various ways, and + early adopted a NOM DE PLUME, choosing the name of Eliph' Hewlitt because + of its unassuming simplicity. His real name is Samuel Mills, and he is the + son of the late W. P. Mills, of Franklin, gifted author of the deservedly + famous poetical work, 'The wages of Sin.' Early in his career our new + citizen found himself overshadowed by the fame of his father, and + unwilling to succeed by and because of his own efforts, he chose a NOM + DE PLUME, which he has ever since used. This truly American independence + does him the greatest credit. + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Mills, or Eliph' Hewlitt, as he prefers to be known, is an old + schoolmate of James Wilkins, the prominent livery and hotel man of our + little burg. Again we welcome him to our midst.” + </p> + <p> + This was headed, “Eliph' Hewlitt Now a Citizen of Kilo!” and it was all + the introduction the little book agent needed—except to Miss Sally. + When she read it she turned pale. A book agent living in the very town was + more than she could bear. + </p> + <p> + But there was another item of news that Eliph' left with T. J. that went + into the same issue of the TIMES. This stated that Mrs. Smith, of New + York, and Miss Susan Bell were visiting Miss Sally Briggs, and T. J. had + completed the slight information given him by Eliph' by a call at Miss + Sally's. It was after Eliph' had told T. J. that he meant to make his home + in Kilo that the enterprising editor suggested Doc Weaver's as a good + boarding place, and the little book agent was glad enough to settle + himself in a real home, for the Kilo Hotel was hardly more than an annex + to the liver, feed and sale stable part of Jim Wilkins' business, and any + man with half an eye could see that it was not, as a home for men, to be + compared to the comfort with the stable, as a home for horses. Jim would + have been the last man in Kilo to expect a visitor to remain in the Kilo + Hotel more than two days. Before the end of the day Eliph' had arranged + with Mrs. Doc Weaver for board and lodging, and had moved his big valise + to the little back room on the second floor, from the low six-paned + windows of which he could look out over the cornfield that environed Kilo + on that side. + </p> + <p> + At supper he met Doc Weaver himself, and found him, as Kilo pronounced + him, “a ready talker.” Eliph' and Doc Weaver were sitting at the supper + table, earnestly engaged in conversation, while the doctor's wife cleared + away the dishes, and Eliph' was pouring out the knowledge he had absorbed + from Jarby's Encyclopedia of Knowledge and Compendium of Literature, + Science and Art. The doctor was having a mental feast. Behind his + spectacles his eyes glowed, and in exact ratio, as the doctor's spirits + rose, the frown on his wife's forehead deepened. + </p> + <p> + The doctor had few opportunities for discussing any subjects but the most + ordinary. Neighborhood gossip, the weather, the price of corn, were the + usual sources of conversation in Kilo, except when an election gave a + political tinge to discussions, or when a revival turned all attention to + religious matters; but the doctor's mind scorned these limitations, and he + found few persons from year's end to year's end to whom he could speak + openly on his favorite themes. + </p> + <p> + To Kilo in general the doctor was something of a mystery. Ordinarily he + was the most silent of men, but on occasion, as for instance when he could + buttonhole an intelligent stranger, he dissolved into a torrent of words. + </p> + <p> + Doc Weaver held views. He believed there were other things besides the + Republican party and the Methodist Church, and being liberal-minded, he + believed all these other things in turn, and he had believed them + enthusiastically. He could not help thinking that he was of a little finer + clay than Skinner, or Wilkins, or Colonel Guthrie. Kilo considered the + doctor one of her peculiar institutions; as Kilo took the ever-joking + Toole seriously, so she took the ever serious doctor good-naturedly, but + not too seriously. He was “jist Doc Weaver,” and Kilo reserved the right + to laugh at him in private, and to brag about him to strangers, and they + were apt to “joke” him about his beliefs. As he was sensitive and dreaded + the rough raillery of his neighbors, he kept his enthusiasms to himself. + He was like an overcharged bottle of soda water. + </p> + <p> + Eliph' and the doctor were discussing Christian Science and faith cures + generally, and when the doctor's wife passed to and fro, catching a phrase + now and then, a look of deep anxiety spread over her face, until, as she + brushed the crumbs from the red tablecloth, her shoulders seemed to droop + in dejection. + </p> + <p> + When she smoothed the cloth and set the lamp on the mat in the center the + doctor glanced at his watch and arose. He buttoned his frock coat over his + breast (it was the only frock coat in Kilo), and drew on his driving + gloves, holding his hands on a level with his chin. It was a habit, an + aristocratic touch, which, like his side-whiskers, detached him from the + rest of Kilo. He had once worn a silk hat, but he soon abandoned it for + gray felt; for even he saw that a silk hat emphasized his individuality + too strongly for comfort. It was a tempting mark for snowballs in winter. + </p> + <p> + When the doctor had closed the door and stepped from the front porch, his + wife sank into a chair. + </p> + <p> + “I do hope you won't git mad at what I'm goin' to say, Mister Hewlitt,” + she said, “'cause I ain't goin' to say it for no such thing; but I + couldn't help hearin' what you was sayin' to Doc while I was reddin' off + the table. I wisht you wouldn't let him git to talkin' about new-fangled + religions and sich. It ain't for his good nor mine.” + </p> + <p> + Eliph' nodded good-naturedly. + </p> + <p> + “Why, ma'm,” he exclaimed, “we were only discussing faith cures, and + neither of us believes in them—wholly, that is. Of course everyone + who has read the chapter on “India, It's Religions and Its History,' in + Jarby's Encyclopedia of Knowledge and Compendium of Literature, Science + and Art, must to some extend admit the power of mind over matter. But if + you'd rather not have me, I'll not discuss it again. There are one + thousand and one other interesting subjects treated of in this great book, + any one of which will please the studious mind.” + </p> + <p> + “I'd rather you wouldn't, if you don't mind,” said the doctor's wife + simply. + </p> + <p> + Eliph' Hewlitt pushed back his chair, and arose as he saw the lines of + worry leave the face of his hostess. He turned to the side table and + looked among the books that lay on it. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Weaver sprang to her feet. + </p> + <p> + “Land's sakes!” she cried. “I know what you're lookin' for. You're lookin' + for that book of yourn, ain't you? It's right there behind them wax + flowers on that what-not. I seen it layin' around and I jist shoved it + back there so Doc wouldn't git at it.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, you sit down, ma'm,” said the book agent. “I can get it. But there + was no need to be so particular. The doctor knows how to hand a book as + well as the next man.” + </p> + <p> + The doctor's wife drew her darning basket from the side table and turned + its contents into her lap. + </p> + <p> + “'Twasn't that,” she said; “I'd never have thought of that, I guess. I hit + it because I didn't know if 'twas a proper book for Doc. It's got a kind + of a queer name.” + </p> + <p> + Eliph' turned the book over in his hand. It was the first time anyone had + suggested that the volume might be dangerous. He looked up and smiled. + </p> + <p> + “It would not harm the youngest child, ma'm,” he said, “unless it fell on + it. I wouldn't harm a baby.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I guess you'll think I'm awful foolish about Doc,” said Mrs. + Weaver, “but I wasn't goin' to take no chances, and the name kind of + riled. Me. And them pictures of ladies bending.” + </p> + <p> + “Physical Culture,” said Eliph', “How to Develop the Body, How to Maintain + Perfect Health, How to Keep Young and Beautiful. Page 542. Why, ma'm, + that's just a system of training for the body. It makes one more graceful, + just like running and jumping makes a boy strong.” + </p> + <p> + The doctor's wife heaved a sigh of relief. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I guess that won't hurt Doc any if he does read it,” she laughed. + “I thought it was some new-fangled religion or other, and I allus keep + sich things out of Doc's reach. Mebby you'll think I'm crazy, but when you + know Doc as well as I do, you'll find out mortal quick he is to take up + with new notions, and it would be jist like him to give up his sittin' in + church and go and be a Physical Culture, if there was any sich belief. I + don't mind much his bein' a Socialist, or any of them politercal things, + if he wants to,—and goodness knows he does,—'cause they keep + his mind busy; but since I got him to jine church I'm goin' to keep him + jined, Physical Culture or no Physical Culture. I seen them pictures, and + they riled me right up, to think of Doc's goin' round wrapped up in them + sheets, or whatever it is on them folks in the pictures. Mebby it's all + right for Physical Culturers, but I don't ever hope to see Doc so.” + </p> + <p> + Eliph' Hewlitt laughed a thin little laugh, and Mrs. Weaver smiled. + </p> + <p> + “Now, you do think I'm foolish, don't you?” she inquired. “But I had sich + a time with Doc 'fore I married him that I'm scared half to death every + time I hear a long word I ain't right sure of. I was 'most worried out of + my wits last Summer when Miss Crawford was lecturin' on Christian Science. + It was jist about even whether Doc 'ud git in line or not. He had an awful + struggle, poor feller, 'cause he can't bear to have nothin' new to believe + in com round and him not believe in it. Religions is to Doc jist like + teethin' is to babies; they got to teethe, and seem like Doc's got to + catch new religions. He ain't never real happy when he ain't got no queer + fandango to poke his nose into. But he didn't git Christian Scientisted. + </p> + <p> + “I says to him, 'Doc, ain't you an allopathy?' And he says, 'Yes, + certainly.' 'Well,' I says, 'if you go and be a Christian Science you + can't be no allopathy, Doc. Christian Science and allopathy don't mix,' I + says, 'and you'd starve, that's what you'd do. I leave it to you, Doc, if + you quit big pills, how'd you ever git a livin'? There ain't no big pills + set down in the Christian Science book.' + </p> + <p> + “Well, he poked his eyes up at the ceiling, and says, 'I might write, + Loreny.' 'Yes,' I says, 'so you might. And what 'd you write, Doc Weaver?' + I says. 'Shakespeare?' And Doc shet right up, and never said another word. + It was a mean thing for me to say, but I was awful worried.” + </p> + <p> + “Shakespeare?” inquired Eliph'. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, that's the word—Shakespeare,” said Mrs. Weaver. “It come purty + nigh keeping me from marrying Doc. You see, Doc ain't like common folks. + Don's got sich broad ideas of things. Lib'ral, he calls it, but I name it + jist common foolish. He's got to give every new-fangled scheme a show. I + guess, off and on, Doc's believed most every queer name in the dictionary, + and some that ain't been put in yet. I used to tell him they didn't git + them up fast enough to keep up with him. He's got a wonderful mind, Doc + has. + </p> + <p> + “I hain't no notion how ever Doc got started believin' things, but mebby + he got in with a bad lot at the doctor school he went to. Doc told me + hisself they cut up dead folks. Anyhow, he come back from Chicago a + regular atheist; but that was before I knowed him. He lived up at + Clarence, and he didn't come to Kilo 'til about ten years after that, and + he'd got pretty well along by then, and had got right handy at believin' + things. + </p> + <p> + “Well, when Doc come to Kilo pa had jist died an' ma an' me had to take in + boarders to git along; so Doc come to our house to board. That's how Doc + an' me got to know each other. I was about as old as Doc, and we wasn't + either of us very chickenish, but I thought Doc was the finest man I'd + ever saw, an' exceptin' what I'm tellin' you, I ain't ever had cause to + change my mind. + </p> + <p> + “I'd never sa so many books as Doc brought—more'n we've got now. I + burned a lot when we got married—Tom Paine and Bob Ingersoll, and + all I wasn't sure was orthodoxy. Why, we had more books than we've got in + the Kilo Sunday School Lib'ry. 'Specially Shakespeare books, some + Shakespeare writ hisself, an' some that was writ about him. Doc was real + took up with Shakespeare them days. + </p> + <p> + “'Most all his spare time Doc put in readin' them Shakespeare books, and + sometime he'd git a new one. One day he come home mad. I ain't seen Doc + real mad but twice, but he was mad that day and no mistake. He'd got a new + book, an' he set down to read it as soon as he got in the house; but every + couple of pages he'd slap it shut and walk up an' down, growlin' to + hisself. Oh, but he was riled! That night I heard him stampin' up an' down + his room, mad as a wet hen, and by and by I heard that book go rattlin' + out of the window and plunk down in the radish bed. So next morning I went + out and got it, 'cause I liked Doc purty well by then, and it made me + sorry to see sich a nice, quiet man carry on so. + </p> + <p> + “I couldn't make head nor tail of the book, nor see why it riled Doc up + so. It was jist another Shakespeare book, only this one said that it + wasn't Shakespeare, but some one else, that wrote the Shakespeare books. I + thought Doc was real foolish to git so mad about it, but I had no idea how + much Doc had took it to heart. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I do run on terribul when I git started, don't I? An' them supper + dishes waitin' to be washed! But I guess it won't hurt them to stand a + bit. You see, when Doc begun to take a likin' for me, the poor feller + started in to talk about what he believed in. Most fellers does. First he + begun about greenbacks. He was the only Greenbacker in Kilo; but that was + jist politercal stuff, and while I'm a good Republican, like pa was, I + didn't see that it would hurt if my husband did think other than what I + did on that, so long as he wasn't a saloon Democrat. That was when they + was havin' the prohibition fight in Ioway, you know. But when Doc begun + lettin' out hints that he didn't think much of goin' to church, I was real + sorry. + </p> + <p> + “I was sorry because I couldn't see my way clear to marry an outsider, + bein' a good Methodist myself; but I didn't dream but that he was jist one + of these lazy Christians that don't attend church lest they're dragged. + There is plenty sich. I thought mebby I could bring him round all right + once he was married; so I jist asked him right out if he would jine + church. + </p> + <p> + “Well, you'd have thought I'd asked him to take poison! He didn't flare up + like some would, but jist sat down and explained how he couldn't. I guess + he must have explained, off an' on, for three weeks before I got a good + hang of his idea. Seems like he was believing some Hindoo stuff jist then. + I don't know as you ever heart tell of it. It's about souls. When a person + dies his soul goes into another person, and so on, until kingdom come. + R'inca'nation's what they call it.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said Eliph' Hewlitt, “it is all given in 'India, Its Religions and + Its History,' in Jarby's Encyclopedia of Knowledge and Compendium of + Literature, Science and Art.” + </p> + <p> + “Jist so!” said Mrs. Weaver. “Well, I guess by the time Doc got done + explainin' I knew more about r'inca'nation than what your Encyclopedia of + Compendium does, because night after night Doc would sit up and explain + till I'd drop off asleep. + </p> + <p> + “But it wasn't no use. So far as I could see, r'inca'nation was jist plain + error and follerin' after false gods, and I told Doc so. Anyhow, I knowed + there wan't nothin' like it in the Methodist Church, an' I jist up and let + Doc know I wouldn't marry anybody that believed such stuff. Doc reckoned + to change my mind, but my argument was jist plain 'I won't!' and that + settled it. I believe a man and wife ought to belong to the same church,—'thy + God shall be my God'—and I wasn't goin' to give up what I'd been + taught for any crazy notions Doc had got into his head. I told him so, + plain. + </p> + <p> + “Then Doc took a poetry-writing spell, but he wasn't no great hand at it. + I told him in plain words he would be better off rollin' allopathy pills. + I used to git right put out with Doc sometimes, foolin' away good time + that way, sittin' round by the hour spoilin' good paper. I reckon he + started close onto a thousand poems, but he didn't git along very good. + 'Bout the their line he'd stop and tear up what he'd wrote. When I wasn't + mad I used to feel real sorry for Doc, he tried so hard; but feelin' sorry + for him didn't help him none, and it was kind of ridiculous to see him. + </p> + <p> + “One day I asked Doc why he didn't tell ma and the rest of Kilo what he + believed in, and he said that Kilo folks couldn't understand sich things, + bein' mostly born and bred in the Methodist Church, and not lib'ral like + he was. I seen he was payin' me a compliment, because he had told me, but + I couldn't swaller r'inca'nation, for all that. And so we didn't seem to + git no further. + </p> + <p> + “But one day Doc says, 'Well, Loreny, WHY can't you marry me? They ain't + no one can love you like I do, and you know I'll make you a good husband, + and I'll go to church with you reg'lar if you say so.' + </p> + <p> + “'Goin' to church ain't all, Doc Weaver,' I says. 'I jist won't marry a + man that believes sich trash as you do.' + </p> + <p> + “'Well, tell me why not,' he says. + </p> + <p> + “'I'll tell you, Doc Weaver,' I says, 'since you drive me to it. I'm + willing enough to marry YOU, but I ain't willing to marry some old heathen + Chinee or goodness knows what!' + </p> + <p> + “'Doc was took all aback. 'Why, Loreny!' he says, 'Why, Loreny!' + </p> + <p> + “'I mean it,' I says, 'jist what I say. How can I tell who you are when + you say yourself you ain't nothing but some old spirit in a new body? Like + as not you're Herod, or an Indian, or a cannibal savage, and I'd like to + see myself marryin' sich,' I says, 'I'd look purty, wouldn't I, settin' in + church alongside of a made-over Chinee?' + </p> + <p> + “Doc ain't very pale, ever, but he got as red as a beet, and I see I'd hit + him purty hard. Then he kind of stiffened up. + </p> + <p> + “'Loreny,' he says, 'I'd have thought you'd have believed my spirit to be + a little better than a heathen Chinee's,' he says, 'though there's much + worse folks than what they are.' + </p> + <p> + “I seen he was put out, an' I hadn't meant to hurt his feelings, so I + says, more gentle, 'Well, Doc, if you ain't that, what are you?' + </p> + <p> + “I s'pose, Mr. Hewlitt, you've noticed how sometimes something you find + out will make clear to you a lot of things you couldn't make head nor tail + of before. That's the way what Doc said did for me. There was that poetry + writin' of his, an' the way that Shakespeare book made him mad, an' how he + read those Shakespeare books instead of his Mateery Medicky volumes. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I asked Doc, 'If you ain't a heathen Chinee or some sich, what are + you?' an' when he answered you could have knocked me down with a wisp of + hay. You'd never guess, no more than I did. + </p> + <p> + “'Loreny,' he says, solemn as a deacon, 'I didn't reckon never to tell + nobody, an' you mustn't judge what I tell you too quick. I ain't made up + my mind sudden-like,' he says, 'but have studied myself and what I like + and don't like, for years, and I've jist been forced to it,' he says. + 'There ain't no doubt in my mind, Loreny,' he says, an' he let his voice + go way down low, like he was 'most afraid to say it hisself. 'Loreny, I + believe that Shakespeare's spirit has transmigrated into me.' + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir, I was too taken aback to say a word. I thought Doc had gone + crazy. But he hadn't. + </p> + <p> + “When I kind of got my senses back I riled up right away. 'Well,' I says + snappy, 'I think when you was pickin' out someone to be you might have + picked out someone better. From all I've heard, Shakespeare wasn't no + better than he'd ought to have been. He don't suit me no better than a + Chinee would, and I hain't no fancy to marry Mister Shakespeare. Maybe you + think it's fine doin's to be Shakespeare, Doc Weaver, but I don't, and I + ain't going to marry a man that's like a two-headed cow, half one thing + and half another, and not all of any. When you git your senses,' I says, + 'you can talk about marryin' me' and off I went, perky as a peacock. But I + cried 'most all night. + </p> + <p> + “Him an' me kind of stood off from each other after that, and I made up my + mind I'd die before I'd marry Doc so long as he was Shakespeare, and Doc + had got the notion that he was Shakespeare so set in his mind it seemed + likely he would. + </p> + <p> + “I hadn't never took much stock in poetry readin' since I got out of + 'Mother Goose,' but I begun to read Shakespeare a little jist to see what + kind of poetry Doc thought he had writ when he was Shakespeare. Well, I + wouldn't want to see sich books in the Sunday School Lib'ry, that's all + I've got to say. Some I couldn't make sense out of, but there was one long + poem about Venus and some young feller—well, I shouldn't thing the + gov'ment would allow sich things printed! I jist knowed Doc couldn't ever + have writ such stuff. There ain't so much meanness in him. But I couldn't + see clear how to make Doc see it that way. + </p> + <p> + “I'd about given up hopes of ever curing Doc, when one day a feller come + to town and give a lecture in the dance room over the grocery. He was one + of these spiritualism fellers, and as soon as it was noised around that he + was comin', I knowed Doc would be the first man to go and the last to come + away, and he was. Thinks I, 'Let him go. If Doc jines in with + spiritualists, it will be better'n what he believes in now, and if he + begins changin' religions, mebby I can keep him changin', and change him + into a churchgoer.” And so, jist to see what Doc was like to be, I coaxed + ma to go, an' I went, too. It wasn't near so sinful as I expected. + </p> + <p> + “The feller's name was Gilson, an' he was as pale as a picked chicken, but + real common lookin', otherwise. He was a right-down good talker and seemed + real earnest. He wasn't the ghost-raisin' kind of spiritualist, and them + that went to see a show, come away dissap'inted, for all he did was to + talk and take up a collection. He said he was a new beginner and used to + be a Presbyterian minister. Doc stayed after it was over and had a talk + with Gilson, and of course he got converted, like he always did. He told + ma so. + </p> + <p> + “I hadn't been havin' much talk with Doc one way or another, but when ma + told me he had jined the spiritualists I eased up a litt, and one day I + made bold to say, 'Well, Doc, I s'pose now you have give up that + Shakespeare foolishness, ain't you?' + </p> + <p> + “'No, Loreny,' he says, 'I ain't.' + </p> + <p> + “'Land's sakes!' I says, 'do you mean to say you can be two things at once + in religion, as well as bein' Shakespeare and Doc Weaver?' + </p> + <p> + “'Yes, Loreny,' he says. 'The spirit has got to be somewheres between the + times it has got a body,' he says, 'That stands to reason. It's always + puzzled me where I was between the time I died two or three hundred years + ago and the time I entered this body,' he says, 'and spiritualism makes it + all clear. I was floatin' in space.' + </p> + <p> + “That's jist how fool-crazy Doc was them days. There he was believin' with + all his might that r'inca'nation business and that spirit business at the + same time. + </p> + <p> + “I says, 'Well, Doc, some day you'll see how deep in error you are,' and I + didn't say no more. + </p> + <p> + “Of course Doc wouldn't let well-enough alone. There was a big + spiritualist over to Peory, Illinoy, a reg'lar ghost-raisin' feller, and + what did Doc do but write over and git him to come to Kilo and give a + séance. That is a meetin' where they raise up ghosts. Doc wanted the + feller to stop at our house, but I wouldn't have it, so he had to put up + at the hotel. Doc said it was a shame, but as soon as I seen the man I + said it served him right, and that he was a fraud, but Doc swallered him + right down, hide an' hoof. + </p> + <p> + “They had the séance in the hotel parlor, and no charge, so me and ma + went, thought we wasn't jist sure it was right; but I says it wasn't as if + it was real—we knowed it was all foolishness; so ma and me trotted + along. I found out afterward that Doc paid to have the feller come to + Kilo. His name was Moller, an' he was one of them long-haired + greasy-lookin' men. + </p> + <p> + “I must say it was real scary when they turned the lights down an' Moller + made tables jump around and fiddles play without anybody playin' on them. + There wasn't many folks there, but ma held my hand, an' I held ma's, and + Doc was right in front of us. + </p> + <p> + “Moller did a lot of tricks sich as I hear they always do, an' then he + said he'd bring up any spirits anyone would like to have come up. That was + what Doc was waitin' for, and he popped right up. + </p> + <p> + “'I should like to talk to Bacon,' he says. + </p> + <p> + “'Bacon?' says Moller. 'There's a good many Bacons in spirit-land. Which + one do you want to speak to, brother?” + </p> + <p> + “'The one that lived when Shakespeare did,' says Doc. 'The one that wrote + the essays and sich. Sir Francis Bacon.' + </p> + <p> + “'Ah, yes!' says Moller. 'I'll see if he's willin' to say anyting + to-night.' And down he set into a chair. Well, you'd have died! In a bit + his head and legs begun to jerk like he had St. Vitus dance, and then he + straightened out, stiff as a broomstick. It was the silliest thing ever I + seen. I felt real sorry for Doc, he was so dead earnest about it. + </p> + <p> + “In a minute Moller opened his jaw and begun to talk. It was all sort of + jerky-like. + </p> + <p> + “'I'm sailin' through starry fields,' he says, 'explorin' the wonders of + the universe. Why am I called back to earth this way? Doth somebody want + to question me about something?' + </p> + <p> + “Doc was all worked up. He held onto a chairback, an' he was so shakin' I + could hear the loose chair rungs rattle. + </p> + <p> + “'Is this Bacon?' he says. + </p> + <p> + “'It is,' says Moller, his voice jerkin' like a kitten taken with the + fits. + </p> + <p> + “'Well,' says Doc, like his life was hangin' on what Moller would say, + 'did you, or did you not, write Shakespeare's plays?' + </p> + <p> + “'I did not,' Moller jerked out; 'Shakespeare did.' + </p> + <p> + “You could hear Doc sigh all over the room, it was sich a relief to his + mind. Doc was awful pleased. He was smilin' all over his face, he was so + pleased to have Bacon own up, an' he turned to ma and me and says, 'Ain't + it wonderful!' + </p> + <p> + “Then Moller come out of his fit an' set still a while, like he had jist + woke up from a long nap. Then he says he's goin' into another trance, an' + if any in the room wants to hold talk with any of their lost friends or + kin, they should ask for them, an' he jerked again, and jerked out stiff. + </p> + <p> + “That old back-slider, Pap Briggs, popped up, but Doc was ahead of him, + 'cause Pap always has to regulate his store teeth before he can git his + tongue goin', and Doc says, 'I desire to speak with Richard Burbage.' + </p> + <p> + “I guess Moller didn't now any sich feller. Anyways he jist lay still an' + so Doc says, 'Mebby there's several Richard Burbages. I mean the one that + owned a theater with Shakespeare.' But Richard Burbage didn't feed like + talkin' that evenin'. I reckon Moller didn't know nothin' about Richard + Burbage, and was frightened that Doc would ask him something that he + couldn't answer. There ain't nobody slicker than them fake fellers. It's + their business. + </p> + <p> + “But Doc was so worked up he would have swallered anything, and I guess + Moller thought he had to make up to Doc for payin' his expenses, so he + says, smilin', 'I see, doctor, you are interested in literature, and I'll + try to get somebody in that line that's willing to talk.' So he jerked + into another trance. + </p> + <p> + “Purty soon Moller says: 'From the seventh circle I have come, drawn by + the will of somebody that knows and loves me. It's a long way. Billions of + miles off is ny new home, where I spend eternity writin' things that make + what I writ on earth look like nothin','—or some sich nonsense. Doc + looked back at me once, proud as sin, an' then he swelled out his lungs, + an' run his hand over his whiskers, like you've seen him do. He was + gittin' wound up for a good talk. + </p> + <p> + “If I do say it myself, Doc's a good talker, an' I figgered he'd make + Moller hustle. I see Doc was goin' to spread hisself to do credit to + Shakespeare. He hadn't no doubt that one spirit would recognize another, + so he says, like he was makin' a speech, 'You know who I am?' + </p> + <p> + “'I do,' says Moller. + </p> + <p> + “'Then,' says Doc, 'since my spirit eyes are blinded by this mortal body, + may I ask who you are?' He didn't hardly breathe. Then Moller jerked. 'I + am Shakespeare,' he says, sudden-like. + </p> + <p> + “'What's that?' says Doc, short and quick. + </p> + <p> + “'Shakespeare,' says Moller—'William Shakespeare.' + </p> + <p> + “Poor Doc jist dropped into his chair, and run his hand over his forehead + and his eyes, like he had bumped into the edge of a door in the dark. I + ain't never seen Doc real pale but once, and that was then. Then he turned + round to ma an' me, weak as a sick baby, an' says, 'Come, Loreny; this + lyin' place ain't nowhere for you and me to be,' and we went out. + </p> + <p> + “'Well, Doc,' I says, when we was outside, 'seems to me like there is two + of you,' and that was all I says to him about it, then; but I guess he see + what a fool he'd been, 'cause the next night he says, 'Loreny, I wisht + you'd git me a set of the articles of belief of our church. I'd like to + look them over.' + </p> + <p> + “'Well,' I says, 'who'll I say wants them, Shakespeare or Doc Weaver?' + </p> + <p> + “'You can say an old fool wants them,' says Doc, 'and you'll hit it about + right.' + </p> + <p> + “So Doc jined church, an' he's leadin' the singin' now; but you can see + why I keep sich a lookout lest he gits started off on some new religion.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Weaver glanced at the clock. + </p> + <p> + “Mercy me!” she exclaimed. “Doc'll be home before I git them supper dishes + washed up. Now, you won't feel hurt because I don't want you to talk new + religions to Doc, will you? You can see jist how I feel, and you wouldn't + want no husband yourself that was a philopeny, as you might say. I don't + believe I could git on real well with Doc if he had kept on bein' + Shakespeare. I'd always have felt like he was 'bout three hundred years + older than me. But there's jist one thing I dread more than anything else. + If Doc should take up with the Mormon religion and start a harem, I + believe I'd coax him to be Shakespeare again. It's bad enough to have a + double husband, but, land's sakes, I'd rather that than be part of a + wife.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0012" id="link2HCH0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XII. Getting Acquainted + </h2> + <p> + Althought Eliph' Hewlitt was not making much progress in his courtship he + was far from idle in the succeeding weeks. He had taken many orders for + Jarby's great book in the county, before he arrived in Kilo, and as a + shipment of the books arrived from New York he spent much of his time + behind old Irontail making his deliveries and collecting the first + payments, and some time in the immediate neighborhood making new sales. + One of the copies he had to deliver was the one purchased by Mrs. + Tarbro-Smith, but although he delivered it to her at Miss Sally's, he did + not have an opportunity to speak to Miss Sally, for she hid herself when + he approached the door, and did not come down stairs again until he had + left the house. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Tarbro-Smith received the book with a lady-like enthusiasm, and + immediately placed it upon Miss Sally's center table, where its bright red + cover added a touch of cheerfulness to the room, suggestive of the + knowledge, literature, science and art the book was guaranteed to + irradiate in any family. But Miss Sally never so much as looked inside its + covers. She avoided it as if the thought the book itself might seize her + and sell to her, against her will, one of its fellows. Mrs. Smith said + openly that she wished she might see more of Eliph' Hewlitt, and that she + thought him a most remarkable book agent, particularly after she had heard + of his selling the Missionary Society a wholesale lot of Jarby's + Encyclopedia, and after glancing through the book she admitted that it was + really an excellent thing of its kind, but Miss Sally merely remarked that + she didn't like book agents, and that she hated this one more than most, + he was so slick. + </p> + <p> + The energetic spirit of Mrs. Smith was sure to carry her into anything + that partook of a social nature, and she had arrived in Kilo in the midst + of the festival season, when out-door festivals of all varieties were + following one after another almost weekly for the benefit of the church, + which had a properly clinging and insatiable debt. In these festivals she + took a prominent part, for the brought her in contact with the people of + Kilo as nothing else could, and if she enjoyed the affairs, so did Susan. + Susan bloomed wonderfully. She sprang at once from childhood to young + womanhood, and Mrs. Smith was pleased to have her protégée appear so well + and receive so much attention, for she felt that she had had the revision + of her. She already saw in her the heroine of the novel she meant to + write, with the plot beginning in Kilo and Clarence, and carried to New + York and, perhaps, Europe. + </p> + <p> + The attorney and the editor were particularly nice to Susan, and attentive + to Mrs. Smith at all the festivals, and it amused the New Yorker to find + herself and her maid on and equal social plane. It is quite different in + New York. But lady's maids in New York are not all like Susan. Maids in + New York do not spend their spare time studying Jarby's Encyclopedia of + Knowledge and Compendium of Literature, Science and Art, and Susan did. + Even Eliph' Hewlitt could not have read the book more faithfully than + Susan did, nor have believed in it more trustfully. Often when the editor + or the attorney sought her at one of the festivals they would find her + talking with Eliph' Hewlitt, exchanging facts out of Jarby's Encyclopedia. + </p> + <p> + For Eliph' never missed a festival. He haunted them, standing in one spot + until his eyes fell upon Miss Sally, when he would make straight for her + with his dainty little steps, and she, catching sight of him—for she + was always on the lookout—would move away, weaving around and + between people until he lost sight of her, when he would stand still until + he caught sight of her again. It was like a game. Sometimes he caught her, + but before he could have a word with her she would make an excuse and + hurry away, or turn him over to another. Usually she shielded herself by + keeping either the Colonel or Skinner beside her, if they were present, + and they usually were. + </p> + <p> + “Land's sake!” she exclaimed to Mrs. Smith, one evening, as they were + walking home after an ice-cream festival at Doc Weaver's, “I wish somebody + would tell that Mr. Hewlitt that I don't want to buy no books. He pesters + the life out of me. I can't show myself nowhere but he comes up, all + loaded to begin, and if I'd give him half a chance he'd have me buyin' a + book in no time. It don't seem to make no difference where I am. I believe + he'd try to sell books at a funeral.” Mrs. Smith laughed. + </p> + <p> + “I know he would!” she said. “He is delightful! Why don't you do as I did, + and buy a book, and then he will be satisfied, and leave you alone.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I won't!” declared Miss Sally. “I ain't done nothin' all my life + but buy books an' then fight pa to get money to pay installments on 'em, + an' I won't buy no more! I declared to goodness when I bought them Sir + Walter Scott books that I wouldn't buy no more, an' I won't. If I buy this + one off of this man, there'll be another, an' another, an' so on 'til + kingdom come, an' one everlasting fight with pa for money.” + </p> + <p> + “Couldn't you pay for it with the money you got for those + fire-extinguishers?” asked Mrs. Smith. + </p> + <p> + “Pa borryed that to pay taxes with, long ago, an' that's the last I'll + ever see of the money,” said Miss Sally. “Pa ain't the kind that pays + back. He's a good getter, an' a good keeper, but he's about the poorest + giver I ever did see, if he is my own father. There ain't nothin' in the + world else that would drive me to get married but just the trouble I have + to get money out of pa for anything. I ain't even got a black silk dress + to my name, and there ain't another lady in Kilo but's got one. I guessed + when we moved to town I would have the egg money same as on the farm, but + since pa had his teeth out an' got new ones he won't eat nothin' but eggs, + an' I don't get any egg money. Pa eats so many eggs I'm ashamed to tell + it. I wonder he don't sprout feathers. I don't believe so many eggs is + good for a man. It don't seem natural. That encyclopedia book don't say + anywhere that eatin' too many eggs makes a man close fisted, does it?” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Smith said she could remember nothing to that effect in the book, and + for a minute they walked in silence. Suddenly she looked up and spoke. + </p> + <p> + “Miss Sally,” she exclaimed, “I know what to do! I will make you a present + of my encyclopedia. I will give it to you, and the next time you see Mr. + Hewlitt you can tell him you have a copy, and then he will leave you + alone!” + </p> + <p> + That was how it happened that at the next festival Miss Sally did not run + when she saw Eliph' Hewlitt approaching, but stood waiting for him. He + stepped up to her with a smile that was half pleasure and half excuse. + </p> + <p> + “I don't want to buy a book,” she said quickly. “I've got one. Mrs. Smith + gave me the one she had. So you needn't pester me any more.” + </p> + <p> + “I didn't want to sell you a book,” said Eliph' gently, “although I am + glad to learn you have one. No person, whether man, woman or child, should + be without a copy of this work, including, as it does, all the knowledge + of the ages and all the world's wisdom, from A to Z, condensed into one + volume, for ready reference. It is a book that should be on every parlor + table and——” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I've got one,” said Miss Sally, “so it's no use wasting talk on it. + One's all I want. Another one wouldn't be no good but to clutter up the + house.” + </p> + <p> + “Just so,” said Eliph'. “I don't want to sell you another. To sell this + book is the smallest part of my trouble. It is a book that sells itself. I + only need to show it, to sell it. Wherever it falls open it attracts the + attention with a gem of thought or a flower of knowledge, perhaps the + language of gems, or the language of flowers, how to cure boils, how to + preserve fruit, each page offers something of value to the mind. A copy of + this book in the house is a friend in sickness or in health, a help in + business and a companion in pleasure; to the agent it is a source of + steady and continuous income. One copy sells another.” + </p> + <p> + “I said before that I don't want another,” said Miss Sally shortly. + </p> + <p> + “Let us talk about something else,” said Eliph' Hewlitt, coughing politely + behind his hand. “I'll be glad to, but I do not blame you for bringing up + the subject of the work I am selling. I make it a rule never to talk book + out of business hours, but I am not sensitive, as some book agents are. + When Jarby's Encyclopedia of Knowledge and Compendium of Literature, + Science and Art is mentioned I am not offended; I am not ashamed of my + business—I enjoy it. I could talk of the merits of this unequaled + work day and night without stopping and yet not do it full justice, but I + don't. When my work is done I stop talking book. I might, to enliven + conversation, quote from the 'Five Hundred Ennobling Thoughts from the + World's Greatest Authors, Including the Prose and Poetical Gems of All + Ages,' containing, as it does, the best thoughts of the greatest minds, + suitable for polite and refined conversation, sixty-two solid pages of + the, with vingetty portraits of the authors, and a short biographical + sketch of each, including date and place of birth, date and place of + death, if dead, et cetery. Or I might, to brighten a passing moment, + propound one or more of the 'Six Hundred Perplexing Puzzles,' page 987, + including charades, conundrums, quaint mathematical catches, et cetery, + compiled to brighten the mind and puzzle the wits, suitable for young or + old, for grave or gay. It is a book that meets every want of every day, is + neatly and durably bound, and the price is only five dollars.” + </p> + <p> + Miss Sally turned as if to run away, but Eliph' put out his hand and + touched her arm lightly. + </p> + <p> + “But I don't,” he said. “I don't quote, and I don't propound. I put the + book aside and I forget. When my work is done I relax my mind. I enter + into the pleasures I find most congenial, such as festivals, sociables, + fairs, kermesses, picnics, parties, receptions, et cetery, rules and + suggestions for conducting all of which are to be found in this book, + which is recommended and esteemed by the leaders of society, both in the + Four Hundred and out. Or I read a good book, a list of five hundred of + which may be found on page 336, 'The Reader's Guide,' giving advice in + selecting fiction, history, philosophy, religious works, poetry, et + cetery, the whole selected by eight of the most eminent professors of + literature in our colleges and universities, both at home and abroad. Or I + indulge in conversation, in which what better guide than is to be found on + page 662, 'The Polite Conversationalist,' including gems of wit, apt + quotations, how to gain and hold the attention, how to amuse, instruct and + argue, et cetery? When it is remember that all this, and much more, can be + had for only five dollars, neatly bound in cloth, one dollar down and one + dollar a month until paid, what wonder is it that—that——” + </p> + <p> + Suddenly one of the paper lanterns that hung from the wire above them + burst into flame, and Eliph' saw on Miss Sally's face the look of fear + with which she was regarding him, fear and fascination mingled. The smile + faded from his lips, and his gentle blue eyes became troubled. He dropped + the hand that had been lightly resting on her arm, and his dapper air of + self-confidence wilted in abashment. + </p> + <p> + “Was I—was I talking book?” he asked weakly. “I was! Pardon me, Miss + Briggs, pardon me, I didn't know it. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.” + </p> + <p> + For a moment Miss Sally studied his face, and she saw only a genuine + contrition there, and a regret so deep that she was sorry for him. There + could be no doubt of his sincerity. + </p> + <p> + “Well!” she exclaimed, with a breath of relief; “I do believe you didn't + know you was! I believe that book's got so ground into you that you can't + help but talk it, like Benny Tenneker, who got so used to climbin' trees + an' fallin' out of 'em that he used to climb the bedposts an' fall of of + 'em in his sleep without wakin' up. Mrs. Doc Weaver's his aunt, an' when + he visited her he nearly got killed fallin' out of bed when he was tryin' + to climb a bed post when there wasn't not on the bed. He'd got so he could + fall out of any high place an' light safe, but he wasn't used to fallin' + off of low ones. He was such a nice boy. All Martha Willing's children + were nice. Mebby you've met her. She lives out Clarence way.” + </p> + <p> + “Willin?” said Eliph'. “Yes, I sold her a—I mean to say, I met her.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, her husband's dead, and her and her boys is runnin' the farm,” said + Miss Sally, “an' doin' right well, so I guess she ain't afraid of book + agents. She can afford to buy. I don't know as I'm afraid of 'em either, + or hate 'em as such, but I can't afford. Pa don't approve of books much, + an' he can't see why he should pay out money for what he don't approve of. + Books an' taxes he don't care much for. That's why I was so scared of + you.” + </p> + <p> + “I didn't want to sell you a—to sell you anything,” said Eliph' + meekly. “All I wanted was to get acquainted, to get well acquainted.” + </p> + <p> + “I guess that's all right then,” said Miss Sally. “There ain't anything + more natural than that you should wish that, bein' intendin' to make your + home here. I hope you like the place an' make lot of acquaintances, but if + I was you I'd try not to talk book any more than you have to. I don't + think it'll help to make you popular, as I may say. That Sir Walter man + sort of gave everybody an overdose of book, an' folks feel kind of mad at + book agents ever since. Like father Emmons, when he had one of his sick + spells, an' nothin' would do but he was goin' to die, so he got up before + sun-up an' drove to town to see Doc Weaver. He let Doc know he felt he was + dyin' an' told him the symptoms, an' all Doc says was, 'All you want is + salts. You stop at the drug store an' get a pound of salts, an' I'll + warrant you'll be as well as ever.' So when his daughter—she's Mary + Ann Klepper—went into the house after carryin' lunch to the men in + the field, there was her poor old father settin' at the table with the big + yeller bake-bowl in front of him, an' him eatin' away at what was in it + with a big spoon. 'Eatin' bread an' milk, father?' she asks, an' her pa + looks up with tears in his eyes, an' swallers down another spoonful. 'No,' + he says, as cross as a bear, 'I'm eatin' a pound o' salts Doc Weaver told + me to git, but hang if I can eat another spoonful, an' I ain't above half + done.' So I guess Kilo folks kind of gag when they think of books.” + </p> + <p> + “If I so much as mention books,” said Eliph' pleadingly, “I wish you'd + stop me. Don't let me. Mebby I do sort of get in the habit of it, thinking + it and talking it so much. But I never meant to sell you one. I only + wanted to get acquainted.” + </p> + <p> + Miss Sally laughed. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” she said cheerfully, “there's different ways to do it, but I guess + you an' me have got well acquainted different from what most folks does. + Ain't you been over to the ice-cream table yet? Or was you waitin' to be + primed; that's what us ladies is here for, to start folks spendin' money, + like Mrs. Foster's little nephew that come up from the city to visit her + last summer. He wanted to know what everything was for that was on the + farm or in the house, that he wasn't used to, an' when they told him they + always had to leave a dipper of water in the pail to prime the pump with + so it would give water, he wanted to know if the reason they had the pans + of milk in the spring-house was so they could prime the cows so they would + give milk.” + </p> + <p> + Eliph' laughed heartily, for his heart was light. He was making progress; + Miss Sally admitted that they were well acquainted, and now he could + proceed to the second step advised in “Courtship; How to Win the + Affections; How to Hold Them When Won.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0013" id="link2HCH0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIII. “Second: A Small Present” + </h2> + <p> + The next morning Eliph' Hewlitt purchased the two-pound box of candy in + the pictured box that had long been considered by the druggist a foolish + investment. For months it had reposed in the end of the toilet soap case + awaiting a purchaser, and had acquired a sweet odor of scented soap + mingled with the plainer odor of cut castile, and no one had been so + extravagant as to buy it. Once the druggist had tried to persuade the + candy salesman to take it back in exchange for more salable goods, but + after taking it from the show-case and smelling it the drummer refused. At + the opposite end of the case the druggist kept his plush manicure and + brush-and-comb sets, with a few lumps of camphor scattered among them to + discourage moths, but the odor of camphor did not hurt the candy. The + scented soap protected it from the camphor. When Kilo buys scented soap + she likes to have it really scented. + </p> + <p> + Miss Sally, when the small boy Eliph' secured as a messenger had delivered + the box of candy, knew well enough what it meant. The neatly written card, + “From Yours very truly, E. Hewlitt,” did not suggest much, perhaps, but in + Kilo friends do not scatter two-pound boxes of candy recklessly about. To + receive a two-pound box on Christmas would have been a suspicious + circumstance, for a smaller box would have done quite as well between + friends, but to send a two-pound box on a day that was no holiday at all, + but just a plain day of the week, could stand for but one of two things—the + giver was insane, or he had “intentions,” and Miss Sally knew very well + that Eliph' Hewlitt was not insane. Unless on the subject of Jarby's + Encyclopedia. + </p> + <p> + She carried the box of candy to Mrs. Smith, and showed her the card. + </p> + <p> + “How lovely!” cried Mrs. Smith, an exclamation which might have meant + either the box of candy or the sentiment that inspired the sender, and + then added, “How odd! It smells like soap!” + </p> + <p> + “That's a sign it's good candy,” said Miss Sally. “The candy Rudge sells + always smells of soap, an' he handles only the best, so when you see candy + that smells that way you know it's good. This is Rudge's candy, sure + enough, for I know this box by heart. Rudge has had it in his show case + ever since the firm was Crimmins & Rudge. It must be some stale by + this time, but the box is pretty.” + </p> + <p> + “I don't suppose Mr. Hewlitt knew it was stale,” said Mrs. Smith, “He + evidently tried to get the best he could.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” admitted Miss Sally. “He wouldn't know this box of candy so well as + we town folks do, him bein' a newcomer here. I suppose Rudge gave him a + discount off the price on account of the box bein' soiled a little. I hope + to goodness that man wasn't so foolish as to go an' pay straight sixty + cents a pound for it. He got cheated if he did, an' I'll tell him so when + I see him next.” She slowly untied the red ribbon that bound the box, and + rolled it neatly around the fingers of her left hand, to lay away for + future use. “Now, what do you suppose that man sent it to me for?” she + asked. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Smith smiled, for she knew Miss Sally was asking the question merely + that she might have her own belief made sure by the words of another. + </p> + <p> + “Because he's in love, of course,” said Mrs. Smith. “Because he is + desperately in love. It is a romance, my dear.” + </p> + <p> + Miss Sally looked doubtfully toward Susan, who was curled up on the old + sofa in the corner of the room. She was not sure that such matters should + be discussed before one so young, but Susan would have refused to leave + the room, even if asked, and she resented the questioning glance that Miss + Sally had thrown at Mrs. Smith. + </p> + <p> + “'Courtship—How to Make Love—How to Win the Affections—How + To Hold Them When Won,'” she said gaily. “'First, get acquainted; second, + make small presents, such as flowers, books or candy; third, ask for the + lady's hand.' You needn't look at me that way, Miss Sally; I know all + about it. I read it in Jarby's Encyclopedia.” + </p> + <p> + “Lands sakes!” exclaimed Miss Sally. “And me and him only got well + acquainted last night at the festival. I never heard of such a thing!” + </p> + <p> + “It's love at first sight,” teased Mrs. Smith. “He will probably be around + this afternoon to propose, and we can have the wedding this evening.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, he needn't come this afternoon, if he's got it in his mind to + come,” said Miss Sally shortly, “for I won't be at home. I ain't goin' to + be rushed that way, not by no man. I don't say but Mr. Hewlitt is a clever + spoken man, Mrs. Smith, when he ain't talkin' books, but I ain't in the + habit of bein' courted like I was a Seidlitz powder, and had to be drunk + down before I stopped fizzin'. That may be some folks way of doin' it, but + it ain't mine.” + </p> + <p> + “Nor Colonel Guthrie's,” suggested Mrs. Smith. + </p> + <p> + “If the Colonel's slow it ain't his fault,” said Miss Sally. “He'd be + quick enough if I'd let him, but I can't see no hurry, one way or another. + I don't say but that a husband is a good thing to have, mind you! I guess + I'm like all other women and want to have one some time, but so long as + I've got pa I'm in no hurry. He's as much trouble as a husband would be, + and as grumpy when things don't go to suit him. Sometimes I feel like in + the end I'd choose to marry the Colonel, since it wouldn't be so much of a + change, the Colonel bein' like pa in some ways, such as bein' economical; + and then again I feel like I'd prefer Skinner, just because he'd BE a + change. I'd be always sure of gettin' good meat, for one thing, and I'd + insist upon it. I can't a-bare tough meat.” + </p> + <p> + “Shoemakers' children go without shoes,” suggested Mrs. Smith. + </p> + <p> + “They wouldn't if I was their mother, an' I'll tell Skinner so, if I + choose to marry him an' he tries to send home any but the best meat he's + got in the shop,” said Miss Sally firmly. “That's one man, if I marry him, + I won't take no foolishness from. When a man is castin' his eyes my way, + an' then has to have a city ordinance made to compel him to do me the + favor of buyin' four fire-extinguishers off of me, that ain't no earthly + use to me, I'll let him know I'm going to have my way about some things + when we're married. I know well enough I ain't such a beauty that Skinner + an' the Colonel is what you might call infatuated with me, and I don't + expect 'em to be. Pa's got money, and if he didn't have I guess the + Colonel an' Skinner wouldn't bother their heads about me much; but if they + like me for pa's money now I guess they'll like me for it just as well + after they marry me, for I'll have it well known that money don't go out + of my name. And I'll let this book agent man know it too. If it's pa's + money he's in such a hurry to get, he'll find out his mistake.” + </p> + <p> + “I rather like the book agent,” said Mrs. Smith. “He doesn't seem to me at + all the adventurer type.” + </p> + <p> + “His whiskers do make him look like a preacher,” said Miss Sally, “if + that's what you mean; but if he means business he ought to know I ain't + the kind of bird to be caught with boxes of candy. Neither Skinner nor the + Colonel is so silly as to think that.” + </p> + <p> + She smoothed her apron across her knees, and looked at its checked + pattern. + </p> + <p> + “Seems to me,” she said, with a touch of regret, “this ain't no time or + age for such foolishness. It ain't as if I was a girl like Susan there. + Boxes of candy an' Susan would match up like pale blue an' white. I guess + the safe thing is to make choice of one that ain't a stranger. I've done + business with Skinner years an' years, sellin' him calves an' buyin' meat + off of him; an' as for the Colonel, I guess I know all his bad points as + well as his good ones. The Colonel has been a friend of pa's a long time.” + </p> + <p> + So it happened that when Eliph' Hewlitt called at Miss Sally's that + afternoon he did not find her at home. Mrs. Smith received him and tried + to make up by her kindness for the disappointment Eliph' evidently felt. + She thanked him in Miss Sally's name for the beautiful box of candy—although + Miss Sally had left no such word—and drew him on to talk of Jarby + & Goss, the publishers of the Encyclopedia, and of his own adventures. + The longer she talked with the little man the better her opinion of him + became, and she saw that he was gentle, shrewd, capable and sincere—sincere + even in his wildest enthusiasm for Jarby's Encyclopedia of Knowledge and + Compendium of Literature, Science and Art. When he arose to go he stood a + moment hesitatingly with his hat in his hand. He coughed apologetically. + </p> + <p> + “I hope Miss Sally like the little token of esteem; the box of candy;” he + said, looking up into Mrs. Smith's face anxiously, “it isn't as if I was + used to such matters. My preference would have been a book; a good book; a + book that I could recommend to man, woman or child, containing in a + condensed form all the world's knowledge, from the time of Adam to the + present day, with an index for ready reference, and useful information for + every day of the year. It was my intention to have given her such a book, + which would have been a proper vehicle to convey to her my—my + regard, but I learned only last night that she already had a copy of that + work, without which no home is complete, and which is published by Jarby + & Goss, New York, five dollars, bound in cloth; seven fifty, morocco. + I learned that she already had one.” + </p> + <p> + “She told you I had given her my copy?” asked Mrs. Smith. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said Eliph' simply. “So I could not present her with a copy of that + work. My preference was to give a work of literature; I am a worker in the + field of literature, and it would have been more appropriate. But I could + give her nothing but the best of its kinds, and where find another such + book as Jarby's Encyclopedia of Knowledge and Compendium of Literature, + Science and Art? Nowhere! There is no other. This book combining in one + volume selections from the world's best literature, recipes for the home, + advice for every period of existence, together with one thousand and one + other subjects, forms in itself a volume unequaled in the history of + literature. No person should be without it.” + </p> + <p> + “I know, Mr. Hewlitt,” pleaded Mrs. Smith, smiling, “but I have already + bought two copies. Don't you thing you ought to let me off with that?” + </p> + <p> + “I was not trying to sell you one,” said Eliph' with embarrassment. “I + hoped——” He paused and coughed behind his hand again. “You + know my intention in sending a present to Miss Briggs,” he said bravely. + “I admire her greatly. I—to me she is, in fact, a Jarby's + Encyclopedia of Knowledge and Compendium of Literature, Science and Art + among women.” + </p> + <p> + “Dear Mr. Hewlitt,” said Mrs. Smith, taking his hand, “I understand. And I + wish you all the good fortune in the world. I shall do all I can to help + you.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you,” said Eliph', shaking her hand as if she was an old + acquaintance he had met after long years of separation. “So you understand + that I can feel the same to no other woman. Not even to—to anyone.” + He wiped his forehead with his disengaged hand. “So I feel that you will + not misunderstand me if I ask you to accept a copy of Jarby's Encyclopedia + of Knowledge and Compendium of Literature, Science and Art, bound in + morocoo, seven fifty. I mean gratis. No home should be without one.” + </p> + <p> + “Why, it is very kind of you to suggest such a thing,” said Mrs. Smith, + “and I'm sure I'll be glad to own a copy.” + </p> + <p> + “I'm glad to have you,” said Eliph'. “I wanted to give you one, but I + didn't want you to think I meant it in the way I meant what I sent to Miss + Sally. I was afraid you might, or that Miss Sally might. But I don't mean + it that way.” + </p> + <p> + “I know you don't,” said Mrs. Smith heartily. “And if Miss Sally is + jealous I will tell her she is quite mistaken. But if you will let a woman + that has had a little experience advise you, do not be too hasty. Do not + try to hurry matters too much. It would spoil everything if you pressed + for an answer too soon and received an unfavorable one. And I'm afraid it + would be an unfavorable one if you put it to the test now.” + </p> + <p> + Eliph's countenance fell. It said plainly enough that he understood her to + mean that the Colonel and Skinner were more apt to be favorably received. + </p> + <p> + “I'm afraid so,” said Mrs. Smith regretfully. “You know they are older + acquaintances, and Miss Sally is not one of those who think new friends + are best.” + </p> + <p> + “I was coming again to-night,” said Eliph'. “Perhaps I'd better not say + anything to-night. Perhaps I had better wait until to-morrow.” + </p> + <p> + “Wait until next month, or next year,” advised Mrs. Smith. “There is no + hurry. Something may turn up.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0014" id="link2HCH0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIV. Something Turns Up + </h2> + <p> + Something turned up the very next day. It turned all Kilo upside down as + nothing had for years, and created such a demand for the TIMES that J. T. + Jones had to print an extra edition of sixty copies, and he would have + printed ten more if his press had not broken down. + </p> + <p> + Across two columns—the TIMES never used over one column headlines + except for the elections—blazed the work “GRAFT,” and beneath, in + but a size or two smaller, stared the “sub-head” “OFFICIAL OF KILO + CORRUPTED. CITIZENS' PARTY ROTTEN TO THE CORE. PROMINENT CITIZEN + IMPLICATED.” Beneath this followed the moral of it, “The City, as + Predicted in These Columns, Suffers for Departing from The Beneficent Rule + of the Republican Party.” + </p> + <p> + Attorney Toole was sitting in his office when the boy from the TIMES + delivered the paper to him. He smiled as he opened the damp sheet, for he + extracted more amusement than news from the little paper, but as he turned + it the headlines caught his eye, and instantly he was deep in the columns. + Someone had sprung his mine before he had intended—it had exploded + prematurely and with, what seemed to him, as he read on, a futile + insipidity. + </p> + <p> + There were full two columns of it. There were hints and innuendoes, too + well veiled, but no names mentioned. The specific act of graft was not + brought to the surface. It was as if the writer had a “spread” of some + vaguely uncertain rumor, and yet there was not doubt that Colonel Guthrie + and Mayor Stitz and the fire-extinguishers were meant. The attorney could + see that, and he had an idea that the writer had meant to tell more than + he really did tell. The veiled allusions were so thoroughly veiled in + words that they were buried as if under mountains of veils. Each slight + hint was swamped in morasses of quotations and fine flourishes, overgrown + and hidden by tropical verbiage, and covered up by philosophical and + political phrases until nothing of the hint could be seen. As he read on + the attorney could see Doc Weaver talking, as plainly as if he stood + before him; he could see him at his desk in a frenzy of composition, and + he recognized the apt quotations from Shakespeare that were Doc's + specialty. Doc Weaver had written it. + </p> + <p> + The attorney laid the paper down and studied the matter. How could Doc + have learned of the affair? Skinner, angry as he had been at having to buy + the four fire-extinguishers, would never have dared to wreck the party he + had helped to create. The Colonel would have been no such fool. Stitz? He + would hardly accuse himself. Who then? + </p> + <p> + One passage set the attorney thinking again as he re-read the article. + “'Thinks are seldom what they seem,' as the poet says, which is as true as + that 'Honesty is the best policy.' And as Shakespeare says, 'To what base + ends,' for all this disreputable graft centers around certain brilliant + objects that are not what the guilty bribers and bribees suppose them to + be. While we shudder with horror at the temerity of the sinners we shake + with laughter as we think of their faces as they will be when they realize + that they are mortals to whom the immortal bard refers when he enunciates + the truth, 'What fools these mortals be!'” + </p> + <p> + “Certain brilliant objects” could mean nothing but the lung-testers. + Eliph' Hewlitt had that secret, and Eliph' Hewlitt boarded with Doc + Weaver. The attorney felt a sudden rush of anger. It was to this + intermeddling book agent, then, that he owed the premature explosion of + the mine that was to have blown the Citizens' Party to fragments, and to + have landed the fragments in the basket held ready by Attorney Toole? + </p> + <p> + The distribution of that week's TIMES acted like a tonic on the town + streets. New life followed in the wake of the boy as he carried the paper + from door to door. It began at the corner of Main and Cross Streets, and + as the boy proceeded, the merchants, the loafers, and the customers came + from the stores and gathered in knots that formed quickly and dissolved + again as the parts passed from one group to another, questioning, arguing, + and guessing. The attorney looked out of his window. Across the street he + could see the office of the TIMES, and T. J. already besieged by + questioners, to whom he was evidently giving a kind but decided refusal of + further information. The editor was waving them away with his hands. Some + of the editor's visitors handed T. J. money, and carried away copies of + the TIMES, but all went, gently urged by the editor, and joined one or + another of the groups below. The attorney drew on his coat. He would + postpone his interview with Eliph' Hewlitt; Thomas Jefferson Jones was the + man he wanted to see at that moment. + </p> + <p> + It was difficult for the attorney to retain his enigmatical smiles as he + climbed the stairs to the TIMES office. He was angry, but he knew the + value of that irritating smile that hinted superiority and a knowledge of + hidden details. He needed it in his talk with the editor. + </p> + <p> + It is odd how common interests will bring men together. And sometimes how + common interests will not. The attorney and the editor had been as one man + in polite attentions to Susan Bell, Mrs. Smith's protégée, at first, but + as their acquaintance with her grew they seemed to like each other less. + They no longer consulted each other on the best methods of bringing + Republican rule back to Kilo. They did not consult together at all. The + attorney coldly ignored the editor, and his irritation, beginning in this + rivalry, was increased by the growing suspicion that the editor dared look + toward the leadership of the Republican party in Kilo. + </p> + <p> + It all angered the attorney. What right had a country editor to compete + with a man of talent, with a member of the bar, with Attorney Toole? Was + this the thanks a rising lawyer should receive for leaving the superior + culture of Franklin and bringing his talents to add luster to the bleak + unimportance of Kilo? The very impertinence of it angered him. Toole, a + man whose name would one day ring in the hall of Congress and perhaps + stand at the head of the nation's officers as chief executive, to be + bothered by the interference of a Jones! By the interference of a man who + spent his time collecting news of measles and hog cholera! It was about + time T. J. Jones was told a few things. + </p> + <p> + As Toole entered the printing office T. J. was handing a copy of the TIMES + to a customer, and the editor turned, and, seeing who his visitor was, + held up his hand playfully. + </p> + <p> + “No use!” he exclaimed. “I can't say anything about it, except what's in + the paper. Contributed article, and the editor sworn to silence, you + know.” + </p> + <p> + The attorney seated himself on the editor's desk, pushing a pile of papers + out of his way. + </p> + <p> + “That's all right, Jones,” he said. “That's for the”—he waved his + hand toward the window—“for the fellow citizens; for the populace. + This is between ourselves.” + </p> + <p> + “I'd like to,” said Jones, “but really, I can't say anything about it. I + promised faithfully I would not betray my contributor's confidence.” + </p> + <p> + “Now, do I look so green as that?” asked Toole. “Nonsense! Doc Weaver + wrote that rot.” He smiled. “He spread himself, didn't he?” + </p> + <p> + The editor remained motionless. + </p> + <p> + “I have nothing whatever to say,” he remarked, noncommittally. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I have!” cried the attorney. “I'll tell you that it is poor work + for you to steal my thunder and attempt to use it without consulting me! + It is poor work, and mean work. You want to be boss of this party in Kilo + county, that's what you want. And you haven't the capacity. You have + proved it right here, right here in this silly sheet of yours. You hit on + a big thing, and you spoil it. You are so anxious that Toole shall get no + credit that you rush it into print and make a fizzle of it. I know who the + traitors to the party are—you are one. Doc Weaver with his elegant + style and his Shakespeare is another. And that miserable intermeddling + little book agent is another. You make me sick.” + </p> + <p> + The editor stood like a statue, and his face was as white. The attorney + dropped his words slowly from lips that still wore the tantalizing smile. + </p> + <p> + “The childishness amuses me,” said the attorney. “It makes me smile. Why + didn't you give names, since you had them? Why didn't you tell it all, and + do the party some good, as well as doing me some harm, if that was what + you were after—and I don't know what you were after if it wasn't + that? Why don't you get a schoolboy to edit your paper for you?” + </p> + <p> + T. J. ground his nails into the palms of his hands. He meant to retain + possession of his temper, but it was boiling within. He said nothing as + the attorney indolently arose from his seat on the desk; he was resolved + to do nothing, but when the attorney brushed against him in passing, + turning his superior smile full in his face, he raised his arm. The next + moment the two men were lying beside the press, struggling and gasping, + locked fast and fighting for advantage, legs intertwined and each grasping + the other by a wrist. The editor was on top, but the heavier attorney was + working with the energy of hate, and as they panted and struggled the door + opened and Eliph' Hewlitt entered. + </p> + <p> + There was strength in his wiry arms, and he threw himself upon the upper + man and dragged him backward. The attorney loosened his hold and the two + men stood up, panting and gulping, and soon began to brush their clothes + and look at the floor for dropped articles, as men do who have fought + inconclusively and are not sorry to have been parted. The only real damage + seemed to have been done to Eliph's spectacles, which he had shaken off in + his efforts, and which had been crushed beneath a heel. The attorney + presently smiled, but it was a silly smile, and then he went out of the + door and down the street. + </p> + <p> + Eliph' coughed gently behind his hand, as if to excuse his intrusion. + </p> + <p> + “Quarreling?” he suggested. “I used to wrestle some when I was a boy. But + not much. I hadn't then the rules, given on page 554 of Jarby's + Encyclopedia of Knowledge and Compendium of Literature, Science and Art, + including “How to Wrestle, How to Defend Oneself Against Sudden Attack, + Jui Jitsu,” et cetery, with wood cuts showing the best holds and how to + get them. All this being but one of one thousand and one subjects treated + of in this work, the price of which is but five dollars, neatly bound in + cloth.” + </p> + <p> + The editor had turned his back and was staring angrily out of the window—sulkily + tremulous would be a better description, perhaps—when he suddenly + cried out. Eliph' searched hurriedly in his pockets for another pair of + spectacles, found them and put them on, and looked where the editor + pointed. Across the street the attorney, backed up against the wall of the + bank, was defending his face with one arm, and with his right hand seeking + to grasp a whip that was raining blows upon his face and head. Someone + grasped the whip from behind and wrenched it from the hand of the + attorney's assailant, and as the man turned angrily, the two in the window + saw that it was Colonel Guthrie. + </p> + <p> + They heard him cursing those who had taken the whip from him, ending by + loudly justifying himself for what he had done to the attorney, and saw + the attorney step forward to quell the Colonel's hot words. The Colonel + put up both his hands and shouted, and some from the crowd, grasping the + attorney about the waist and arms, as if the feared he was about to attack + the older man, hurried him away, speaking soothing words to him. + </p> + <p> + The Colonel rioted on. Nothing could have stopped him. He pulled a copy of + the TIMES from his pocket and slapped it with his hand as he abused the + attorney for having given T. J. Jones the facts of the article. + </p> + <p> + He lit it be plainly known, in his anger, that the article called him a + giver of graft. The crowd stood silent, as crowds stand about some drunken + man, for the Colonel was drunk with wrath, and wordy with it, talking to + himself as drunken men do. He finished, and the crowd opened a passage + through itself to let him pass, and Skinner, who, in apron and bare arms, + had viewed his rival's wrath from a safe place on the edge of the group, + backed away. The Colonel, mumbling, caught sight of him, and with one + swift motion of the arm grasped him by the shirt band. + </p> + <p> + “You!” he shouted, pulling the shirt band until Skinner grew purple in the + face. “You! You done it! Why couldn't you buy them fire-extinguishers like + a man? You made me buy up that Dutchman. I wouldn't 'a' had to do it but + for you.” + </p> + <p> + He gave the choking butcher an extra shake, and raised his hand to strike + him, but again the crowd interfered, and seized the Colonel, and hurried + him away. + </p> + <p> + The butcher stood stupidly and rubbed his neck, waiting for the wits that + had been choked out of him to return, and far down the street Mayor Stitz, + hearing a noise, came out on his front platform and looked up the street. + It appeared to him that something was going on, and sticking his awl in + the door of his car, he walked blandly up the street to where the remnant + of the crowd formed a half circle around the butcher. He crowded through, + saying, “Look out, the mayor is coming. Stand one side yet for the mayor!” + </p> + <p> + The butcher looked and saw before him the round, innocent face of the + mayor, topped by the mayor's round bald head. He raised his large, fat + hand, and in vent for all his injured feelings brought it down, smack! On + the smooth bald spot. + </p> + <p> + “Ouw-etch!” said the mayor. + </p> + <p> + He was surprised. He backed away and rubbed the top of his head, and what + he said next was a rapid string of real, genuine German; exclamations, + compound tenses, and irregular verbs and all that makes German a useful, + forceful language. As long as he rubbed his head—with a rotary + motion—he spoke German; then he stopped rubbing and spoke English. + </p> + <p> + “So is it you treat your mayor!” he exclaimed indignantly. “Such a town is + Kilo, to give mayors a klop on the head! Donnerblitzenvetter! Not so is it + in Germany.” He turned to the crowd. “A klop on the head! It is not for + klops on the head that I am mayor. No. I resign out of this mayor + business. Go get another mayor, such as likes klops on the head. I am no + mayor. I am resigned.” + </p> + <p> + He turned and walked slowly back to his car, pulled the awl out of the + door, and went inside. + </p> + <p> + The editor moved away from the window. He seated himself at his desk and + leaned his head on his arms and thought. + </p> + <p> + “Headache?” asked Eliph'. + </p> + <p> + “No,” said the editor, lifting his head. “I'm trying to think this thing + out. Guthrie is in it, and Skinner must be in it, and Stitz. And that + fellow across the way said you knew something about it, and he said Doc + Weaver wrote the article. No,” he added hastily, as Eliph' offered to + speak, “let me think it out myself.” + </p> + <p> + He leaned his head on his hand, and gazed at the attorney's office. He + drew the week's copy of the TIMES toward him and read over the article + that had caused all the trouble. + </p> + <p> + “It might be that fire-extinguishers ordinance,” he said slowly. “Stitz + pushed that through. And Skinner had to buy them. And—they were + owned by Miss Briggs and the Colonel negotiated the sale.” He jumped up + and turned over the file of back numbers of the TIMES. He found the + announcement he had made of the arrival of Eliph', and the report of the + meeting of the city council that had passed the fire-extinguishers + ordinance. Eliph' had been in town before the ordinance had passed. Eliph' + boarded now with Doc Weaver. Again he read the article in the TIMES, + seeking for the meanings that Doc knew so well how to hide. He paused at + the “Things are seldom what they seem” lines, and considered it. Suddenly + he arose and put on his hat. + </p> + <p> + “Wait here,” he said, “I'll be back.” + </p> + <p> + When he returned he was smiling. He had visited Skinner's Opera House and + had examined the fire-extinguishers where they sat, each on its bracket. + </p> + <p> + “Hewlitt,” he said, “when you told Doc about the fire-extinguishers did + you tell him they were lung-testers?” + </p> + <p> + The little book agent stared at the editor. + </p> + <p> + “I never told,” he exclaimed. “I have never said a word to Doc Weaver, nor + to anyone about them. Not a word. I have kept it as sacred as the secret + of the Man in the Iron Mask, a full account of whom, together with a wood + cut, is given on page 231, together with 'All the World's Famous + Mysteries,' this being but one feature of Jarby's——” + </p> + <p> + “All right,” said the editor. “And you never told him about the graft?” + </p> + <p> + The blank amazement on the book agent's face was sufficient answer. + </p> + <p> + “I've got to go out,” said the editor. “I've got some reporting to do. + You'll excuse me. I want to see Stitz. And Skinner. And Guthrie. I wish + Doc hadn't gone to his State Medical Society meeting to-day.” + </p> + <p> + Eliph' went out with the editor, who locked the door behind him. + </p> + <p> + “Don't say anything,” said the editor, “but I think there will be an extra + edition of the TIMES out to-morrow.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0015" id="link2HCH0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XV. Difficulties + </h2> + <p> + Eliph' had said nothing to Doc Weaver about the affair of the + fire-extinguishers, he had known nothing of the graft matter, and yet it + could not be supposed that Doc Weaver could be a confidant of the + attorney's. The editor was puzzled, but he was sure he was right in the + main, and he was nearer learning the truth than he supposed, as he hurried + down the street to the mayor's car-cobbler shop. + </p> + <p> + He opened the door and stepped inside, but the mayor did not look up with + his usual smile; he was sulking, and from time to time he rubbed his head + where the butcher had struck him. + </p> + <p> + “How do, Stitz,” said the editor. “How's the mayor?” + </p> + <p> + The cobbler pulled his waxed threads angrily through a tough bit of + leather, and did not look up. + </p> + <p> + “I am no more a mayor,” he said crossly. “I am out of that mayor job. I + give him up. I haf been insulted.” + </p> + <p> + “I saw it,” the editor assured him. “He gave you a good whack. Sounded + like a wet plank falling on a marble slab. Mad about the + fire-extinguishers business, wasn't he?” + </p> + <p> + “And why?” asked the mayor, looking up for the first time, “he has a right + to obey those ordinances and not get mad.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, but he don't like the way folks will laugh at him when they learn the + joke you have played on him. That was a good one.” + </p> + <p> + “Joke?” queried the mayor, growing brighter. “Did I play him one joke?” + </p> + <p> + “You know,” said T. J. “Making him buy those lung-testers of Miss Briggs' + when he thought they were fire-extinguishers. I should say it WAS a joke!” + </p> + <p> + “Sit down,” said the mayor; “don't hang on those straps when seats is + enough and plenty. Sit down. So I joked him, yes?” + </p> + <p> + “Rather,” said the editor, “and Guthrie, too, making him pay that graft.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure!” grinned the cobbler. “I got goot grafts. Apples, and potatoes, and + celery, and peas, and chickens! Five grafts for one such little + ordinances. Grafts is a good business, but now is all over. I quit me that + boss-grafter job. I like me not such kloppings on the head. Next comes + such riots, and revolutionings. I quit first.” He sewed steadily for a + while then prepared another thread, waxing it, and twisting the bristle on + either end. + </p> + <p> + “That fire-extinguishers joke,” he said, as he ran the ball of wax up and + down the thread; “that was a good one, yes? On Skinner. That makes me a + revenge on Skinner for such a klop on the head, yes?” + </p> + <p> + He adjusted the shoe on his knee, and began to sew again. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” he said, “I am glad I make that joke on Skinner. What was it?” + </p> + <p> + “Come now!” said T. J. “Don't pretend such innocence, Stitz. Don't try to + fool ME. You knew all the time that those fire-extinguishers were nothing + but lung-testers.” The mayor looked puzzled, and properly, for he had + never heard of lung-testers. “To test lungs,” explained the editor. “To + show how many pounds a man can blow; how much wind his lungs will hold; a + sort of game, like pitching horseshoes. They are not worth anything to + Skinner. He paid his money for them for nothing. He will have to buy four + genuine fire-extinguishers now. That was what made him mad at you.” + </p> + <p> + When the editor left Stitz's car he had learned all the mayor could tell + him, including the undoubted fact that the mayor considered graft a quite + legitimate operation, and this particular case a good joke on Skinner and + Colonel Guthrie, and that the mayor himself, thinking the joke too good to + keep, had told Doc Weaver. The editor easily guessed that Doc had + investigated the rest of the affair, and had seen the fire-extinguishers + and known them to be not what they seemed. He hurried back to his office + to set in type what he had learned. + </p> + <p> + But others were abroad, too. Attorney Toole, watching the editor, had seen + him enter the cobbler-car and leave it again, and he easily guessed the + object of the editor's visit. He, too, went to see Stitz, and had a long + and confidential talk with him, first frightening him until he was in a + collapse, and then offering him immunity and safety, and at length leaving + him in a perspiration of gratitude. He held up to him a vision of the + penitentiary as the reward of grafting, and when the mayor was + sufficiently wilted, rebraced him by promising to defend him, whatever + happened, and finally restored him to complacency by showing him that the + transaction was not graft at all. When he parted from the mayor, that + official was, as opposition papers put it, “a creature of the attorney's.” + </p> + <p> + The attorney found Skinner in his butcher-shop surrounded by a group of + friends, to whom he was relating a story of how he had been attacked by + the Colonel, and what would have happened to the Colonel if intervention + had not come just when it did. Toole entered briskly and pushed his way + through the group to where the butcher stood. + </p> + <p> + “Skinner,” he said, “I want half a dozen words with you, at once,” and his + manner was enough to silence the butcher. Skinner led the way to the back + room where the sausage machine made its home, and Toole carefully closed + the door. + </p> + <p> + “Now,” he said, taking the butcher by the shirtsleeve,” you have had a + taste of what comes of taking the political lead away from the party to + which it rightly belongs. You have had an experience of what happens when + people who know nothing about politics meddle with thing that the natural + political leaders should be left to handle. You have been choked, and you + have been cheated, and you deserve to be kicked. You pay money to this + editor here in town, for an advertisement that you know does you no good, + and in return he prints an article to make you laughed at. You form a + combination with Guthrie to put in outsiders instead of good party men, + and Guthrie uses his pull to have an ordinance passed to make you spend + money for fire-extinguishers. You elect a mayor, by your influence as a + leading citizen, and he takes a bribe from Guthrie, and passes an + ordinance to rob you. And you, like a fool, let him do it. And you let + Guthrie, that he may stand in solidly with the very woman you have your + eye on, sell you—what? Fire-extinguishers? Not much! Not + fire-extinguishers at all, but useless, no-account lung-testers! + Lung-testers, that he makes you pay one hundred dollars for, and that you + will have to throw away. That is what they are, lung-testers, and you can + pocket a loss of one hundred dollars, and buy four real fire-extinguishers + now, as the ordinance tells you, and makes you!” + </p> + <p> + The butcher's mouth opened and his eyes stared. He felt weakly behind him + for the edge of the table, pawing uncertainly in the air. + </p> + <p> + “That's all I have to say to YOU,” said the attorney. “If you like that + kind of thing, you are welcome. If you are willing to be cheated it is + nothing to me. I don't say T. J. Jones set them up to doing all this, just + to throw down your Citizen's Party, but you can see in the TIMES who + printed the whole thing. If you like to have that kind of man run your + only public journal it is no business of mine, but look out for the next + TIMES!” + </p> + <p> + The butcher had found the edge of the table and was leaning back against + it. The attorney paused with his hand on the door. + </p> + <p> + “You ought to be able to make the Colonel pay you back that hundred + dollars,” he said. “It looks as if he had obtained money under false + pretenses and given a bribe. But if you don't care, I don't,” and he went + out. + </p> + <p> + Outside of the butcher shop the attorney stopped and looked up and down + the street, smiling. He felt that he had done well, so far, setting both + the mayor and Skinner against the editor, making a tool of the mayor, and + inflaming the butcher against the Colonel. He would have liked to go to + the Colonel and set him against the editor and Skinner, but he neither + dared nor felt it really necessary. If Skinner attempted to make the + Colonel take back the lung-testers the ill feeling between the two would + be sufficiently emphasized, and no doubt the Colonel had sufficient + reason, in the publication of the article, to hate the editor. + </p> + <p> + Horsewhipped! His face reddened as he thought of it, but he was too polite + to consider a revenge of fists, which would not lessen the insult of the + whipping he had received, but would only add the stigma of attacking an + older man. That he had led the Colonel into the affair, putting him up to + it, did not strike him as being any excuse for the Colonel. He felt that + he had done only what he was entitled to do in the pursuit of political + leadership. He would revenge himself on the Colonel later. A suit for + damages for assault, timed to precede the next election, would be both + revenge and politics. He could, at the moment, think of nothing else to do + to undermine his opponents, and he had turned toward his office when a + fresh idea occurred to him. Should Miss Sally take back the lung-testers, + where then would his case stand? Guthrie would return the hundred dollars + to Skinner. Skinner was fool enough to be satisfied with that, and Kilo, + like many other towns, not wishing to besmirch herself, would hush up the + whole affair. Miss Sally must not take back the lung-testers. + </p> + <p> + The attorney swung around and walked briskly toward Miss Sally's home, + tossing tumultuously in his mind the events of the day, his plans and what + he would say to Miss Sally. As he turned in at the gate he saw Mrs. Smith + and Susan sitting on the porch, and he took off his hat, and walked + smilingly up to them. + </p> + <p> + “Miss Sally in?” he asked, after the customary greetings. “I would like to + speak to her if she is.” + </p> + <p> + “She's in” said Mrs. Smith, “but she is engaged at present. Won't you have + a seat and wait?” + </p> + <p> + Toole passed rapidly through his mind all those who might have business + with Miss Sally this morning—the Colonel, Skinner, the editor. It + could not be Skinner, for he had just left him, nor the editor, for he + knew he was still in his office where he had seen him last. Probably it + was the Colonel. He took the proffered seat. + </p> + <p> + “I suppose you saw the TIMES,” he said, “and that tremendous article. It + amused me considerably. Splendid specimen of local journalism. Our friend + T. J. is to be congratulated, isn't he? He has made quite a stir.” + </p> + <p> + “The Colonel was here with a paper,” said Mrs. Smith. “He was furiously + angry. I couldn't understand what it was all about, except that it was + connected with those fire-extinguishers Miss Sally had.” + </p> + <p> + “It was about the meanest piece of business I have ever run across,” said + the attorney, speaking more to Susan than to Mrs. Smith. “It was the most + vindictive thing I ever heard of. Do you know any reason why that editor + should want to annoy Miss Briggs?” + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Jones annoy Miss Sally?” said Susan, with surprise. “I can't imagine + why he should.” + </p> + <p> + “That's what puzzles me,” said Toole. “There doesn't seem to be any reason + whatever, except that he is showing his ill-will. It looks like a + conspiracy to throw those fire-extinguishers back on Miss Sally's hands. + Probably he has taken an agency for fire-extinguishers, or had made a deal + to take some in payment for advertising space in his paper, and wants to + sell them to Skinner. I understand there is some cock-and-bull story he + has got up about these fire-extinguishers being out-of-date, or useless, + or something of that kind, and that he means to make a big stir about the + council having been bribed to force them on Skinner. I suppose Jones will + get something out of it, someway. I understand he means to keep the thing + alive in his paper, and throw ridicule on all concerned, until he forces + things his way. Probably he has some political object, too. But I think it + is bad that he should drag Miss Sally into it. I don't mind his trying to + throw mud on me. I can see his reason for that.” + </p> + <p> + He looked at Susan and smiled. + </p> + <p> + “I don't understand,” said Mrs. Smith, “I couldn't see that he said + anything about you this morning.” + </p> + <p> + “Not this morning,” said the attorney. “There will be more to follow. Wait + until you see the next issue of the representative of a free and + untrammeled press. He will serve up all his friends there. I saw him + darting around like a hawk-eyed reporter this morning. I went up to plead + with him to drop the whole thing, this morning, but he as much as told me + to mind my own business. The poor old Colonel was so angry he came at me + with a whip—I don't know why—but I did not take the advantage + my strength gave me. I can forgive a man who is anger blinded. All I want + to do now is to prevent that editor fellow making any more trouble for my + friends, if I can. I don't want Miss Sally to TAKE back those + fire-extinguishers, and I don't want her to be blackmailed into BUYING + them back. I want to put her on her guard against T. J. Jones.” + </p> + <p> + “This is very kind of you,” said Mrs. Smith. + </p> + <p> + “She is a friend of yours, and of Miss Susan's,” said the attorney. “That + would be reason enough for my doing it.” + </p> + <p> + The door opened and Eliph' Hewlitt came out of the house, and Toole, who + had jumped up, in order to be on the defensive had it been the Colonel, + assumed an air of indifference. The book agent hesitated uncertainly, + glanced toward Mrs. Smith, felt under his left arm where his sample copy + usually reposed, and, not finding it, put on his hat and walked toward the + gate. Mrs. Smith sprang from her chair and ran after him. She caught him + at the gate and laid her hand on his arm. He turned to face her, and she + saw that there were tears in his usually clear eyes. He had put the + question to Miss Sally, and the answer had been unfavorable. + </p> + <p> + The interview had been short and conducted with the utmost propriety, as + advised by “Courtship—How to Win the Affections,” and Miss Sally had + been kind but firm. The article in the TIMES had, far from turning her + against the Colonel, shown her what the Colonel has risked for her sake, + and she had decided in his favor, although he had not yet appeared to + claim an answer to the question he had never asked, but had been hinting + for years. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0016" id="link2HCH0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVI. Two Lovers, and a Third + </h2> + <p> + The attorney, when Eliph' walked down the path to the gate, entered the + house, and found Miss Sally still sitting in the dark parlor where she had + had the painful interview with Eliph' Hewlitt. She still held her + handkerchief to her eyes, for she had been weeping, and the attorney was + not sorry to see this evidence of the stress of her interview with the + book agent. Certain that Eliph' had told Doc Weaver of the lung-testers, + he was no less certain that the book agent had been telling Miss Sally + that the nickel-plated affairs would be thrown back on her hands, and he + hastened to urge resistance. + </p> + <p> + “Miss Briggs,” he said, “I came right in, because I knew what that book + agent was here to say to you, and I wanted to warn you against him. I know + what he asked, and I hope you refuse him.” + </p> + <p> + Miss Sally gasped. + </p> + <p> + “I believe,” continued the attorney, taking a seat, “that you refused, + because you know which side your bread is buttered on. I believe that + before the day is over Colonel Guthrie will come with the same question, + and I want you to give him the same answer. And if Skinner should come on + his knees, I want you to send him away with the same answer, too. They + will all have arguments enough, but don't be fooled. They money is all + they want.” + </p> + <p> + Miss Sally gasped again. She was astounded. + </p> + <p> + “I could see,” said the attorney, confidentially, “that you have the book + agent a pretty sharp answer, and that was right. He had no business to put + himself forward at all, and I don't suppose you can guess why he did.” + </p> + <p> + “He said he liked me,” said Miss Sally weakly, ashamed to mention the word + openly. The attorney laughed. + </p> + <p> + “My opinion is that it is an conspiracy,” he said. “That is just the word, + a conspiracy, and T. J. Jones is at the head of it. The book agent has + come first; now the Colonel will come; and then Skinner, all asking the + same thing, but my idea is that they are all in partnership, and that + Jones is engineering the whole thing. They want your money, and that is + all they want, and once they get it they will be happy and you will be + left with four lung-testers on your hands.” + </p> + <p> + Even in Kilo slang comes and goes as in the rest of the world and Miss + Sally was not sure about the word “lung-tester.” It had a slangy sound, + and it must be a term of reproach applied to the future value of the four + men Toole had mentioned. She accepted it as such. + </p> + <p> + “All I have to say,” continued the attorney, “is to refuse the Colonel, + and to refuse Skinner if he comes, just as you have refused this book + agent. Stick up for your rights. If they want to sue you, let them sue. + You have the money now, and it is better to have that than a lot of + good-for-nothing lung-testers. Once you get them on your hands you'll + never get rid of them.” + </p> + <p> + He arose and took up his hat. + </p> + <p> + “That is all I have to say,” he said, “but I wanted to let you know what + you ought to do. Don't mind if there is a lot of stuff published in the + TIMES. You have to expect that, and Jones will probably drag your name + into it, in connection with the Colonel and Skinner, but you are perfectly + innocent and they can do nothing to you.” + </p> + <p> + He went out, and Miss Sally remained in a daze, looking at the door by + which he had gone. She was still looking at it helplessly when Mrs. + Tarbro-Smith came in with a swish of skirts and put her arm gently about + her. + </p> + <p> + “DO you think you did what your heart told you to do, dear?” asked the + lady from New York, kissing Miss Sally on the brow. “He was SO downcast. I + really pitied him, poor man.” + </p> + <p> + Miss Sally threw her arms around Mrs. Smith's waist and hit her face in + the lacy softness of her gown, and wept. The authoress smoothed the brown + hair and waited patiently for the tears to cease. + </p> + <p> + “Did you see Mr. Toole?” she asked brightly, to ease Miss Sally's weeping + and to turn her thought to other things. “He wanted to see you about those + fire-extinguishers. But I don't trust him. I think he has some plan or + other that is selfish. I think he had been drinking.” + </p> + <p> + Miss Sally's tears ceased, and she sat up, straight and severe. + </p> + <p> + “Fire-extinguishers?” she asked quickly. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said Mrs. Smith; “he seemed to think Skinner or the Colonel or + someone would want you to take them back. And return the money, I + suppose.” + </p> + <p> + “The money?” echoed Miss Sally slowly. She blushed as she saw that she had + misunderstood the attorney, thinking he had dared to advise in her love + matters, and then she frowned. “The money?” she repeated. “But I gave that + money to pa. Pa won't ever give that money back, never! I don't know where + on earth I'd ever get sixty dollars.” + </p> + <p> + As she spoke she heard someone on the walk, and then the heavy feet of the + Colonel climbing the porch steps. She heard him ask Susan if Miss Sally + was inside, and heard the girl answer that she was, and she held Mrs. + Smith's hand tighter. + </p> + <p> + “Come in,” she called, to the knock on the door, and the Colonel stumped + into the room. He was hot and angry, so angry that he did not stop to + offer his usual curt greetings. + </p> + <p> + “Look here,” he said, by way of introduction, “you an' your + fire-extinguishers has got me into a purty fix, Sally Briggs—a blame + purty fix-an' I want to know do you intend to git me out or not? I don't + want no foolishness. Skinner is after me an' I've got to pay him back them + sixty dollars, or somebody'll go to jail for it. You ought to have knowed + them wasn't nothin' but lung-testers, afore you set me up to sellin' 'em + to Skinner, an' not let me go an' make a 'tarnal fool out of myself. But + that ain't the thing now; the thing is, will you pay back them sixty + dollars? I guess you'd better do it, an' do it quick. Skinner'll have the + law on ye if ye don't.” + </p> + <p> + Miss Sally drew back toward Mrs. Smith as he scowled at her. + </p> + <p> + “Now, you git them sixty dollars an' hand 'em over to me, that's what + you'd better do,” said the Colonel. “I want to git shut of this business. + I was a fool fer meddlin' in a woman's affairs in the fust place. I don't + want to have no more hand in it. You git me that money, an' let me fix it + up with Skinner. He's mad, an' he won't stand no foolin'. It was all I + could do to keep him from comin' in an' makin' a row right here in the + house. He's waitin' at the gate till he sees if I git the money, an' if I + don't——” + </p> + <p> + “But I haven't got sixty dollars,” Miss Sally gasped. “I gave that money + to pa. I don't know whether I can GET sixty dollars out of pa.” + </p> + <p> + She was so helpless that Mrs. Smith's blood boiled at the rude brutality + of the Colonel, and she stepped forward and faced him. + </p> + <p> + “What is all this about?” she asked. “What is the matter with those + fire-extinguishers? Why do you come bothering Miss Sally this way? Why + don't you settle it with Mr. Skinner yourself?” + </p> + <p> + “The matter is, them ain't fire-extinguishers at all,” said the Colonel + rudely, “an' wasn't, an' never was. Them things is lung-testers, an' Sally + was cheatin' Skinner when she sold 'em to him. An' the reason I'm + botherin' her is that she got the money fer 'em, an' she's got to find it + somehow an' pay it back. An' as for me settlin' with Skinner, I ain't got + nothin' to do with it. I wasn't nothin' but Sally's agent. I done her a + favor, an' that's all, an' I'm sorry I ever meddled in it.” + </p> + <p> + “But there certainly can't be such haste needed,” said Mrs. Smith. “Miss + Sally is not going to run away. Mr. Skinner is not going to fail for want + of sixty dollars, is he? You can wait until to-morrow, or to-night, when + Miss Sally can see her father.” + </p> + <p> + “No, I can't,” said the Colonel doggedly. “I can't wait at all. By + to-morrow mornin' that newspaper feller will have another paper printed + up, an' I hear tell he's goin' to give us all plain names, an' I ain't + goin' to wait. I want to git this thing fixed up right now. If Sally ain't + got sixty dollars, let her go borry it. I got to pay Skinner right now, + an' I want Sally to pay me. I want to git shut of this.” + </p> + <p> + “I don't believe Mr. Skinner is in any such hurry as you pretend!” + exclaimed Mrs. Smith. “I don't believe he is so ungenerous. I believe he + is more chivalrous, I believe HE will have some manliness, if you have + not.” + </p> + <p> + She started for the door, but the Colonel grasped her by the arm. + </p> + <p> + “Hold on, here!” he said, but Mrs. Tarbro-Smith merely raised her eyebrows + and looked, first at his hand on her arm, and then at his face, and his + hand fell. He stood irresolute and uncomfortable as she went to the door + and called to Mr. Skinner. The butcher walked up to the door, clearing his + throat as he came. Mrs. Smith held the screen door wide for him to enter, + and he walked into the parlor, holding his hat in his hands, and stood + uneasily. + </p> + <p> + “The Colonel,” said Mrs. Smith pleasantly, “has told us you wish Miss + Sally to return the money you paid for what she supposed were + fire-extinguishers.” + </p> + <p> + “They was nothin' but lung-testers,” said the butcher. + </p> + <p> + “So it seems,” said Mrs. Smith, “and it is odd that a man of business like + yourself should not know it in the first place. But of course Miss Sally + did not know what they were. Who told you they were fire-extinguishers, + Sally?” + </p> + <p> + “The Colonel,” said Miss Sally, and the Colonel moved his feet uneasily. + </p> + <p> + “Indeed!” exclaimed Mrs. Smith, giving the Colonel another of her + paralyzing glances. “But Miss Sally will do whatever is right. She hasn't + the money at this moment. You can wait until to-morrow for the sixty + dollars, can you not, until she can see her father?” + </p> + <p> + The butcher grew red in the face, redder than his naturally high coloring, + but he shook his head. + </p> + <p> + “I want it now,” he said. “Business is business.” And after a moment he + added, “It wasn't sixty, it was one hundred. Four at twenty-five, that's + one hundred. One hundred dollars, that was what I handed Guthrie. I paid + one hundred and I want one hundred back.” + </p> + <p> + Miss Sally and Mrs. Smith looked at the Colonel. + </p> + <p> + “I had a right to make a commission,” he blustered. “I ain't no sich fool + as to do business fer other folks an' lose time by it. I took out a + commission, an' I had a right to, an' I don't want to hear no more about + it. A commission's fair.” + </p> + <p> + “You didn't say anything about it,” said poor Miss Sally. “Mrs. Smith was + just surprised to learn of it.” + </p> + <p> + “Surprised, my dear?” said Mrs. Smith, “No, indeed. Nothing that man would + do could quite surprise me. But forty percent commission! Miss Sally + hasn't sixty dollars in the house,” she added, turning to the butcher. + “You know very well people here don't have so much in the house at one + time. If I had it I would gladly lend it to her, but I don't happen to + have so much with me to-day. You can wait until Mr. Briggs gets back from + Clarence, or you can do what you please.” + </p> + <p> + “I want the money,” said Skinner doggedly. + </p> + <p> + “Very well,” said Mrs. Smith. “Collect forty from the Colonel. That will + keep you from starving until to-morrow. And now will you both kindly leave + the house?” + </p> + <p> + “Now, look here, Mrs. Smith, ma'm,” said the butcher. “You ain't got any + right to talk that way to me. Money matters is money matters, and a man + has a right to look after his own the best way he can. I was cheated out + of one hundred dollars by this man and Miss Sally, as easy as you please, + and there's bribery in it, and land knows what. But I ain't mean. All I + want is my money back, and I want it now. I hear T. J. Jones is going to + get out an extry to-morrow morning all about this, and all I want is to do + what is right. Hand me back my hundred dollars, and I'll go to T. J. and + explain that Miss Sally did what was right, and tell him to leave her out + of what he writes, but if I don't get the money I won't say a word to him. + He can guess all he wants about Miss Sally and the Colonel being in + cahoots with this bribe business. All I want is my money.” + </p> + <p> + “But I say you shall have it in the morning.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I don't count much on what you'll get out of Pap Briggs. You might + get ten cents, if he was feeling liberal, but he don't usually feel that + way. What I want is one hundred dollars right now. I don't need no + lung-testers, and I've been cheated, and I won't wait. If Miss Sally ain't + going to pay me, I'll see what the law says about it.” + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Skinner,” said Mrs. Smith, “in consideration that Miss Sally is a + lady and that you are a gentleman, will you not wait till to-morrow?” + </p> + <p> + “Business is business,” he said flatly. “When I'm sellin' meat I ain't a + gentleman, I'm a butcher; and when Miss Briggs was sellin' lung-testers + she wasn't a lady, she was in business. Business is one thing an' bein' + pleasant is another. I've got to look after my money or I soon won't have + any.” + </p> + <p> + When the two men went out Mrs. Smith could hear them begin to wrangle even + before they quitted the yard, but she was more interested in what might + happen to Miss Sally through the vindictiveness of the butcher. She was + surprised to hear that T. J. Jones had even thought of such a thing as + bringing Miss Sally's name into the matter as a conspirator, and she did + not know enough about Iowa laws to know whether the butcher could take any + summary action or not. The most satisfactory way to straighten things out + would be to pay the butcher, but it must be done at once. She pleaded with + Miss Sally to remember someone of whom she could borrow sixty dollars, but + Miss Sally confessed that she knew no one who would be apt to lend so + much. She even expressed her doubt that her father would ever release the + money she had given him. The two women sat in the darkened parlor, Miss + Sally weeping softly and Mrs. Smith thinking hard. The authoress was + ashamed that she could devise no way to aid her friend, and there they + sat, exchanging a brief word from time to time, and the gloom deepening + every minute. Presently, when the atmosphere was so charged with sadness + that it was almost too thick to breathe, Mrs. Smith called to Susan, and + the girl came in. + </p> + <p> + “Sue,” said Mrs. Smith, “will you run down to the TIMES office and see Mr. + Jones? And—let me see—and tell him I very much want to see him + before he begins to print his extra. You won't mind, will you?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, no,” said Susan cheerfully, and she went, a fairy in filmy white, + while the two women relapsed into gloom again. + </p> + <p> + So softly did the next comer mount the porch stairs that the two women did + not hear him until a gentle tap on the door frame, followed by an + apologetic cough, announced the return of Eliph' Hewlitt. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0017" id="link2HCH0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVII. According to Jarby's + </h2> + <p> + When Eliph' Hewlitt, sad at heart, departed from his disastrous interview + with Miss Sally, he felt, for the first time in his life, a doubt as to + the infallibility of Jarby's Encyclopedia of Knowledge and Compendium of + Literature, Science and Art. Here was a book he had praised, sold and + believed, and it had failed him. Here was a book that was proclaimed, in + the “Advice to Agents,” to be so simply written and so easy of + understanding that a child could follow its directions as well as a man, + and it had only led him to defeat. He had courted according to + “Courtship”; he had tried to win the affections according to “How to Win” + them, and instead of the “Yes” that Jarby's book led him to believe he + would receive, he had been given a “No.” This, then, was the book whose + success he had made his life work! Caesar, when he saw Brutus draw his + dagger, was wounded no more in spirit than Eliph' Hewlitt was now. + </p> + <p> + The world seemed to slip from beneath his feet; his firmest foundation + seemed to have crumbled away; his best friend seemed to have turned false. + As he walked toward Doc Weaver's house he decided what he would do: he + would go to his room and tear his sample copy of Jarby's Encyclopedia of + Knowledge and Compendium of Literature, Science and Art to scraps and + throw them out upon the wind; he would write to Jarby & Goss and + resign his commission; he would have Irontail hitched to his buggy and + leave Kilo at once and forever, and from some other town he would write to + G. P. Hicks & Co., and solicit the agency for Hicks' Facts for the + Million, a book he had heretofore hated and despised. All this he resolved + to do, and yet here he was again at Miss Sally's door, and the sample copy + of Jarby's Encyclopedia of Knowledge and Compendium of Literature, Science + and Art was under his arm! + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Tarbro-Smith, when she saw Eliph' Hewlitt at the door, uttered a + little cry of joy and darted toward him. She put her finger to her lips + and slipped out of the door and drew him to the seat that had once been a + church pew, but was now doing duty as a garden-seat under an apple tree in + the side yard. On Eliph's face was no longer the care-worn expression of + the rejected lover, but the full glow of confidence, radiating from + between his side-whiskers. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Smith bent confidentially toward him, and laid one hand on the copy + of Jarby's, which he had placed across his knees. In quick, crowding words + she bade him hope—which wasn't necessary—and told him of the + coming of Guthrie and Skinner, and of their demands. She laid before him + all she knew of the affair of the fire-extinguishers, of the horror of the + threatened legal attack on Miss Sally, and the disgrace that would + overwhelm her should T. J. Jones publish an article mentioning her name. + Eliph' Hewlitt must prevent the publication of the article; he must save + Miss Sally. + </p> + <p> + The book agent was willing. As the appeal was spoken his eyes brightened + and the book agent instinct—the instinct that knows no defeat, but + will talk a book into any man's library, or die in the attempt—flowed + full and free through his soul. Mrs. Smith saw him take fire, and she + ventured the question she had been leading up to. + </p> + <p> + “Now, Mr. Hewlitt,” she said, “I have sent for Mr. Jones, and I will do + what I can to persuade him not to publish the article. I depend on you to + do what you can in that, too, but I am going to trespass on your good + nature in another thing also. It is something I know Miss Sally would + never allow me to ask, and I myself would not ask it but that I happen to + be waiting for a check from my publisher, and am quite out of funds at the + moment. I am going to ask you to lend me sixty dollars! Not for myself, + but to me. I believe Miss Sally would be willing to borrow it of me, and I + know, dear Mr. Hewlitt, you will be willing to lend it to me.” + </p> + <p> + Eliph' coughed softly behind his hand. + </p> + <p> + “Gladly!” he said. “Gladly any amount. I have quite a little money laid + away, quite a little; some thousands, in fact; I might be called a wealthy + man—in Kilo. And it would be a pleasure, a real pleasure, to spend + all for Miss Sally. She is a fine woman, Mrs. Smith. I admire her.” + </p> + <p> + “I knew I could depend on YOU,” said Mrs. Smith, putting her white hand on + his scarcely less white one. + </p> + <p> + “But I can appreciate Miss Sally's-ah-maidenly dislike, in fact, her quite + proper dislike of a loan from-ah-one who aspires—— In fact,” + he said, boldly breaking away from all attempt to speak bookishly, “from + me. She don't want to borrow from me, and it would be the same thing if + you borrowed for her from me. The same thing. I am courting Miss Sally, + and such a loan would be irregular. There is nothing, Mrs. Smith, in the + chapter on 'Courtship—How to Win the Affections,' et cetery, about + loaning money to the lady. It would derange the directions given in this + book, which is——” + </p> + <p> + “I don't want to hear about the book,” said Mrs. Smith with annoyance. “I + know all about the book. So you refuse to lend me sixty dollars? You, like + these other men, are willing to desert Miss Sally at a time like this?” + </p> + <p> + “No,” said the book agent. “Not desert. Rescue. Rescue her from the hands + of these—these men. Jarby's Encyclopedia of Knowledge and Compendium + of Literature, Science and Art should be in every home, in every store, in + every office. To be without it is to be like a rudderless air ship tossed + by the waves of the relentless ocean. It contains a fact for every day in + the year, for every moment of life, any one of which is worth the price of + the book many times over. This book,” he said—and then his eyes, + which had been gazing far into the sky over Miss Sally's house, returned + to the eyes of Mrs. Smith—“I am going to sell Mr. Skinner a copy of + this book.” + </p> + <p> + In spite of her disappointment in him, Mrs. Smith, the authoress, felt a + thrill of pleasure in the discovery of such an admirable type—a book + agent who could see in the midst of love, courtship, conspiracy and + trouble only his book and a chance to sell it. But she was deeply + disappointed. + </p> + <p> + “Then you desert Miss Sally,” she repeated sadly. + </p> + <p> + “Mrs. Smith.” Said Eliph', reaching into his pocket and laying a handful + of thick greasy manila envelopes in her lap, “these are my bank books. + Six, containing the sum of seventeen thousand four hundred and eighty-two + dollars and forty-six cents, and all this I lay at Miss Sally's feet if I + do not succeed in selling a copy of Jarby's Encyclopedia this afternoon. + If sold, the matter is settled.” + </p> + <p> + When Eliph' reached the business part of Main Street he turned into + Skinner's butcher shop and halted at the counter. The butcher was at work + in the back room, and he put his head out and, seeing who had called, + shook it. + </p> + <p> + “No books,” he said shortly. “I never buy books. I didn't buy them Sir + Walter Scotts even. No books.” + </p> + <p> + Eliph' coughed his deprecatory little cough and walked behind the counter + and to the door of the back room. + </p> + <p> + “So I understood,” he said. “I heard at Franklin that you didn't buy + books; it was mentioned to me that I would be wasting my time in calling + on you. They said you was known all over the State as not buying books, + and many admired your self-restraint in not buying. They said it was + wonderful. That's why I never called on you to buy. But I didn't come to + sell you a book. I wanted to ask if you knew William Rossiter?” + </p> + <p> + “William Rossiter?” asked Skinner, perplexed, coming out of the back room. + “Who's William Rossiter?” + </p> + <p> + Eliph' laid his book on the chopping block. + </p> + <p> + “William Rossiter, agent,” he said. “He was here once. He was the man that + stopped with Miss Sally Briggs a while. I thought maybe you knew him. He's + dead. I thought maybe you'd be interested to know it.” + </p> + <p> + A light dawned on the butcher. William Rossiter must have been the man + that left the lung-testers at Miss Sally's. + </p> + <p> + “I'm glad he's dead,” he said. “I don't know anybody I'd sooner have it + happen to.” + </p> + <p> + “Don't say that!” exclaimed Eliph'. “If you only knew how he died, poor + young man, you wouldn't say it. He burned to death.” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said the butcher, “I don't know as I care how he died. I can't say + I'm sorry. I guess he cost me a hundred dollars. I've got to go to law for + it if I ever want to see it again. I guess he deserved to die, for the + trouble he has made in this town.” + </p> + <p> + Eliph' placed his hand on the sample copy of Jarby's. + </p> + <p> + “I will tell you how he died,” he said briskly. + </p> + <p> + “No, you won't,” said Skinner angrily, waving his hand toward the door; + “you won't tell me nothin'. I've heard of these stories of yours, I have. + You want to sell me one of them books, and you'll talk away at me about + this Rossiter feller, and the first thing I know you'll have me down for a + book. But you won't, for if you don't get right out of that door I'm goin' + to put you out.” + </p> + <p> + “All right,” said Eliph' cheerfully, picking up his book, “if that's the + way you feel about it I won't take up your time telling you about it I + won't take up your time telling you about Bill Rossiter. Only I thought + you'd like to know how it happened he was burned up in a theater when + there was two dozen as good fire-extinguishers, right at hand, as there is + in the world. But I won't intrude. I know myself too well, and I know I + might happen to get to talking books before I thought. You see,” he said, + as if apologizing for himself, “I can't forget how this book saved my + life, and might have saved the life of Bill Rossiter, too, if he had had a + copy, the price being only five dollars, bound in cloth, one dollar down + and one dollar a month until paid.” + </p> + <p> + “There,” said Skinner, as if Eliph' had offended him, “you are talkin' + books right now, like I said you would.” + </p> + <p> + “Was I?” asked Eliph'. “And all I started out to say was that I met Bill + Rossiter in St. Louis just after he had run away from here. He told me all + about it, and wept on my shoulder as he told me how it pained him to have + to skip that way. He said it wasn't as if he could have left Miss Briggs + anything that she could use, but-lung-testers! He asked me what a town + like Kilo could do with lung-testers, and he felt awful about it. Said he + couldn't bear to look at a lung-tester any more, they made him feel so + ashamed, and what made it all the worse was that he had to look at them + all day.” + </p> + <p> + “I should think they would,” said the butcher heartily. “It makes me sick + to see them. But why did he do it if he didn't like it?” + </p> + <p> + “I was just going to tell you that,” said Eliph', putting down his book + again. “You see, when he left here he went right to St. Louis, that being + where his home was, and that was how he happened to have lung-testers with + him when he was here. His father made them. That was his father's + business. He was in the lung-tester manufacturing business. So when Bill + Rossiter left here he went right home to his father, which was the wise + thing to do.” + </p> + <p> + “Went home to sponge on the old man, I suppose,” said Skinner. + </p> + <p> + “Just so,” agreed Eliph', “and that was how I happened to meet him. There + was a man there in St. Louis by the name of Hopper-Darius Hopper-and he + owned the Imperial Theater and Museum. He was an old friend of mine, and I + had sold him a copy of Jarby's Encyclopedia of Knowledge and Compendium of + Literature, Science and Art away back in 1874, and as soon as he heard I + was stopping in St. Louis he sent around to the hotel and begged me to + come around to the museum and give readings out of Jarby's to the people + that come into the museum. He said that it would draw bigger crowds in a + cultured city like St. Louis than would come to see a two-headed calf or a + fat women's race, being a course of readings that would instruct, + entertain and please, and he asked me to name my own price.” + </p> + <p> + “I should call him a fool,” said Skinner scornfully. + </p> + <p> + “He wasn't,” said Eliph'. “It took splendid. But I wouldn't let him pay me + a cent. I said I considered it my sacred duty to make as many people as I + could love and know Jarby's, and that I was doing my best to better the + world that way, and was glad to do it free gratis, because in a big place + like St. Louis there were many that could not afford even the small price + of one dollar down and one dollar a month, which is all that is asked for + this splendid volume, containing all the wisdom of the world, from the + earliest days to the present time, neatly bound in cloth, and I felt I was + helping the cause of progress by reading them a few chapters. I began at + page one,” continued Eliph', opening the book in his hands, “skipping the + allegorical frontispiece in three colors, and the index in which ten + thousand——-” + </p> + <p> + “I thought you was goin' to tell me about William Rossiter,” said the + butcher suspiciously. + </p> + <p> + “So I am,” said Eliph'. “William Rossiter was on the third floor of the + Theater and Museum building, for that was the job his father hunted up for + him. William was in charge of the penny-in-the-slot machines of all kinds, + a full description of which will be found in this book under the head of + 'Machines, Automatic,' including a description of how made, how to use and + how to repair. In fact, there is nothing in the way of information, from + how to tell the weight of a baby by measuring its waist, to the age, size + and history of the immortal pyramids of Egypt, one of the seven wonders of + the world, that this book does not contain. It interests alike the student + and the business man. And,” he continued quickly as Skinner was about to + interrupt him, “among the slot machines of which William Rossiter had + charge were twenty-four lung-testers.” + </p> + <p> + “Twenty-four!” exclaimed Skinner. “Them St. Louis folks must like to test + their lungs!” + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Eliph', “they don't, and that is what makes me feel so bad + about William Rossiter. The St Louis people didn't care for lung-testers + at all. They crowded pennies into all the other machines, but they would + just go up to the lung-testers and sort of sniff at them, and walk away + without trying them. So there those twenty-four lung-testers stood, + useless to man and beast, all in a row, doing nobody any good, and there I + was on the floor below reading out of a book that would have told Bill + Rossiter how to make those lung-testers worth their weight in gold, and + would have saved his life. And to think he could have bought this book for + the small nominal sum of——” + </p> + <p> + “You said that once,” said Skinner. “Five dollars; one dollar down, and + one dollar a month until paid.” + </p> + <p> + “Bound in cloth,” said Eliph'. “Seven fifty if in morocco leather. So at + the very minute that the fire broke out——” + </p> + <p> + “Fire!” said Skinner; “what fire? You didn't say anything about a fire.” + </p> + <p> + “The fire in the theater and museum,” said Eliph'. “It started right on + the stairs between the second and third floors, and the old building + flared up like dry paper. Two or three men that was trying the slot + machines saw the smoke and run for the lung-testers, thinking by the look + they were fire-extinguishers, which was the most natural mistake in the + world. The looks of them would fool anybody, but they were lung-testers, + and there that old building was, with twenty-four lung-testers in it, and + not one fire-extinguisher. After that fire they passed an ordinance + compelling every theater to have four fire-extinguishers.” + </p> + <p> + “And do they have them?” asked Skinner. + </p> + <p> + “Every first-class theater and opera house does, all over the United + States,” said Eliph'. “But the odd thing was that at the very moment the + fire broke out I had this book open at page 416, 'Fire—Its + Traditions—How to Make a Fire Without Matches—Fire Fighting—Fire + Extinguishers, How Made.' I was reading to those people how to make + fire-extinguishers at home out of common chemicals and any suitable + nickel-plated can, that would be as good as the best sold in any store, + and right as I read it I thought how easy it would be for any man or child + to turn those twenty-four useless lung-testers on the third floor into + first-class fire-extinguishers, by following the simple directions set + down on page 418, at a cost of only about twenty-six cents each——” + </p> + <p> + Skinner held out his hand for the book. + </p> + <p> + “Let me have a look at that book,” he said. + </p> + <p> + Eliph' picked up the book and tucked it under his arm. + </p> + <p> + “And at that minute came the cry of 'Fire!'” he said. “And I thought of + poor Bill Rossiter up there on the third floor, shut off from all hope of + rescue——-” + </p> + <p> + Skinner reached down to his cash drawer and pulled it open. He took out a + dollar bill and held it toward Eliph'. The book agent ignored it. + </p> + <p> + “Think of it,” he said. “Bill Rossiter on the third floor, burning up, and + me on the floor below with this book in my hand reading off of page 418 + the names of the simple ingredients that would——” + </p> + <p> + “Mebby I might as well pay the whole five right now,” said Skinner, taking + four more dollars out of his drawer. “Could you leave that book with me?” + </p> + <p> + “I will, as a special favor,” said Eliph'. + </p> + <p> + “Well, say,” said Skinner, “I'll be mortally obliged to you if you will. + It will take a mighty load off of my mind.” + </p> + <p> + And when Eliph' left the butcher shop he had, for the first time in his + life, sold his sample copy. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0018" id="link2HCH0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVIII. Another Trial + </h2> + <p> + When Eliph' stepped out of the butcher shop he saw T. J. Jones across the + street, returning from his interview with Mrs. Smith, and the book agent + hailed him and crossed the street. The editor wore a harassed look as + Eliph' stepped up to him, and it deepened when Eliph' asked him if he had + acceded to Mrs. Smith's request. + </p> + <p> + “Hewlitt,” he said, “I couldn't do it. I wanted to, but I couldn't. The + man was willing but the editor had to refuse. The press cannot sink the + public welfare to favor individuals; once the freedom of the press is lost + the nation relapses into sodden corruption. I told Mrs. Smith so. And + besides, I have the whole article in type, too. I like Mrs. Smith, and I + like Miss Sally, but the hissing cobra of corruption must be crunched + beneath the heel of a free and independent press. The TIMES must do its + duty, let the chips fall where they may.” + </p> + <p> + “'The pen is mightier than the sword,' page 233, Apt Quotations for All + Occasions,” said Eliph', “this being one of three thousand quotations, + arranged alphabetically according to subject, as 'Bird—in the hand, + Bird—of a feather, Bird—killing two with one stone,' et + cetery, including 'Leap—look before you,' and 'Sure—be sure + you're right, then go ahead.' What do you mean to print?” + </p> + <p> + The editor told him all he had been able to gather regarding the matter of + the fire-extinguishers, and as he talked Eliph' saw the butcher leave his + shop and enter the drug store—he was after chemicals. He turned to + the editor with fresh assurance. + </p> + <p> + “See page 88, 'Every Man his Own Lawyer,'” he said, “giving all that it is + necessary for any man to know regarding the laws of his native land, + including laws of business, how to draw up legal papers, what constitutes + libel, et cetery. This one division alone being worth the whole cost of + the book, showing among other things what a paper should print and what it + should not. Jarby's Encyclopedia of Knowledge and Compendium of + Literature, Science and Art is a marvelous work, including as it does the + chapter on 'Fire—Its Traditions—How to Make a Fire Without + Matches—Fire Fighting—Fire Extinguishers, How Made,' et + cetery, containing directions by which man, woman or butcher can convert + lung-testers into approved fire-extinguishers at a cost of only twenty-six + cents. It is a good book. I just sold Mr. Skinner one.” + </p> + <p> + He watched the editor's face as the meaning of his words dawned on it, and + added: + </p> + <p> + “Miss Briggs has a copy, morocco binding, including among ten thousand and + one subjects 'What Constitutes Libel.'” + </p> + <p> + “Then those fire-extinguishers will be all right, after all?” said the + editor. “You want to look out how you trifle with the press. The press + never forgives nor forgets.” + </p> + <p> + “Those lung-testers, prepared according to Jarby's Encyclopedia of + Knowledge and Compendium of Literature, Science and Art, would put out the + flames of the fiery furnace prepared for Shadrach, Meschach and Abednego, + mentioned in 'Bible Tales,' Condensed and Put into Words of One Syllable + for Children,' page 569, Jarby's Encyclopedia,” said Eliph' airily. “They + would satisfy an investigation committee of imps, or other experts.” + </p> + <p> + The editor thought for a minute and Eliph' looked at him and smiled, + gently combing his whiskers with his fingers. + </p> + <p> + “That's all right,” said the editor. “That lets Miss Sally out, and it may + satisfy Skinner, but it don't do away with the bribery. Mayor Stitz was + bribed and he admits it. He says he was, and he brags about it. Guthrie + bribed him, and I've got enough left to give Stitz and Guthrie a good + shot. I'll leave Skinner and Miss Briggs out, but I'll go for Stitz and + Guthrie. I'll show them that in Kilo the press is alert, wide awake, and + not to be trifled with. I'll teach them a lesson.” + </p> + <p> + “So do!” said Eliph'. “And make Miss Sally mad. And make Mrs. Smith mad. + And make Miss Susan mad. And me. So do, and have Tolle tell them that he + did not want you to print it, and that he went up and fought you to get + you not to print it. So do, and instead of having Miss Sally and Mrs. + Smith and me your friends, have us run you down to Susan. Instead of + having hit Toole by printing the thing sooner than he wanted, as you did, + print more, and do him a favor. Make him a favorite of Miss Sally's. So + do, if you want to. Or—have me go to Miss Susan and say you will not + relent but that there is one chance—that she shall plead with you + herself.” + </p> + <p> + He stepped back and looked at the hesitating Jones. + </p> + <p> + “Jones,” he said, “the way you are acting, the way you hesitate, would + tell anybody that you have not a copy of Jarby's Encyclopedia of Knowledge + and Compendium of Literature, Science and Art, in your office. No man who + has read that book would lack wisdom, that work containing under one cover + all the wisdom I the world, price five dollars, two dollars off to the + press. Buy a copy and be sensible.” + </p> + <p> + Jones looked far down the street toward his office as if the matter he had + there standing in the galley was begging him not to desert it. + </p> + <p> + “Courtship—How to Make Love—How to Win the Affections—How + to Hold them When Won,” said Eliph'. “See Jarby's giving advice to those + in love, those wishing to win the affections, et cetery. 'If the object of + the affections can be placed in a position where she will be compelled to + ask a favor, the granting of it, however slight, will advance the cause of + the eager suitor.” + </p> + <p> + “I don't care!” said T. J. Jones suddenly. “I'd lose Skinner's ad if I + printed that article, and he pays cash.” + </p> + <p> + “Mine too,” said Eliph', “and I was just thinking of doubling it. Jarby's + deserves——” + </p> + <p> + “That's all right,” said the editor, with a sigh of relief. “You needn't + have Miss Susan come begging me. Just tell her I gave up printing the + article because you said she wouldn't like it.” + </p> + <p> + “Don't throw away a chance,” urged Eliph' putting a hand on the young + man's arm. “Be wise. Do as Jarby's says. Be urged. I followed Jarby's + advice.” + </p> + <p> + “Why are you—are you, too?” asked T. J., beaming upon him. + </p> + <p> + Eliph' coughed behind his hand. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” he said, “Miss Briggs. I followed Jarby's advice—and won.” + </p> + <p> + “Congratulations!” said the editor. “Have it your own way then. I'll be at + Miss Sally's after supper, if Sue wants to coax.” + </p> + <p> + They parted, and as Eliph' walked happily toward his boarding house he did + not realize that he had not won, nor that his appeal had been rejected by + Miss Sally, for he had regained his faith in Jarby's and if he had not yet + won, he felt that he would, and that was the same thing. + </p> + <p> + After his supper Eliph' felt that the time had come to arrange things with + Miss Sally. There was no longer any cause for delay. He had arranged the + matter of the fire-extinguishers; he had settled the matter of the TIMES, + and he felt that Skinner and the Colonel must have hurt by their actions + their causes with Miss Sally. They had, indeed, far more than Eliph' + guessed. He repaired to his room and brushed his whiskers carefully. Never + had he appeared smarter than when he went out of the gateless opening in + Doc Weaver's fence, and turned his face toward Miss Sally's home. + </p> + <p> + His way led him past the mayor's little car, where Stitz was on his + platform smoking and evening pipe. The mayor halted him with a motion of + his pipe stem. + </p> + <p> + “Mister Hewlitt,” he said, “you know too that joke, yes? About those + lung-testers was not fire-extinguishers?” + </p> + <p> + “That's all right,” said Eliph', seeking to pass on, “It is all fixed up + now. They ARE fire-extinguishers.” + </p> + <p> + “Such a fool business on Skinner,” said the mayor with enjoyment. “And on + Stitz, too. I thinks me I am the boss grafter, and I ain't!” + </p> + <p> + He chuckled. + </p> + <p> + “No-o!” he said cheerfully. “But next times I makes no more such fool + mistakes; I make me a real boss grafter. I am now only a boss-fool, but + boss grafter. So says Attorney Toole. Money is grafts, and houses and lots + is grafts, and horses is grafts, and buggies, but,” and he paused + impressively, “apples isn't, and potatoes isn't, and peas isn't, and + chickens isn't. Nothing to eat is grafts. If it is to eat it is not + grafts. So says Attorney Toole. Things to eat is no more grafts as + lung-tester is fire-extingables. So says Toole. So nobody won't prosecute + me. I stick me to the mayor business yet a while. Klops on the head is + nothings much; all big men gets them. So says Attorney Toole.” + </p> + <p> + Skinner was locking his shop when Eliph' passed, and the stopped Eliph' + too. + </p> + <p> + “Works fine,” he said. “I tried a tomato canful on a bonfire in the back + yard, and it put it out like a wink. That's a great book; I'm glad you + spoke about it. I wish you'd told me about it sooner.” + </p> + <p> + Miss Sally was not on the porch when Eliph' arrived, for she was still in + the kitchen at the supper dishes, but Mrs. Smith and Susan were there, and + they greeted him eagerly. The little man smiled as he walked up to them, + and waved his hand in the air. + </p> + <p> + “You fixed it?” cried Mrs. Smith. “It is all right now?” + </p> + <p> + “Fixed from A to Z,” said Eliph', as he took a seat on the porch step. + “All right from the allegorical frontispiece in three colors to the back + page. Jarby's wins, and error don't. Miss Sally in?” + </p> + <p> + He heard the click of the dishes as Miss Sally laid them one by one on the + kitchen table, so he knew well she was in. + </p> + <p> + “It might relieve her mind if I told her,” he suggested, and Mrs. Smith + smiled and said it might. + </p> + <p> + “Go right in,” she said, and Eliph' did. + </p> + <p> + He went into the hall and coughed gently behind his hand, and Miss Sally + looked up. She wiped her hands hastily on her blue gingham apron, and came + into the hall. + </p> + <p> + “Jarby's fixed it,” he said, and rapidly related what he had done, with + illustrations in the way of quotations from the titles and sub-titles of + Jarby's. “When you have a moment to spare,” he added, “I would like to + speak to you. I want to tell you something about Jarby's Encyclopedia of + Knowledge and Compendium of Literature, Science and Art, a copy of which I + see lying on your parlor table, forming an adornment to the home both + useful and helpful.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I don't want no books,” said Miss Sally, “I've got one copy, and + that ought to be enough to adorn any home. And I've got to get these + dishes washed sometime. I've let the fire go out, and the water will be + cold. If there's anything important you want to say about that book, you + can go out and wait till I get the dishes done.” + </p> + <p> + “It's about how to get the best use out of it,” said Eliph'. “I'll go out + and wait. It's something everybody that has a copy ought to know.” + </p> + <p> + He went out as she said, and found Susan alone on the porch. Mrs. Smith + was at the gate, and he could see her white dress in the evening darkness. + Susan sat with a knitted shawl about her shoulders, for the evening were + already growing chill, so long had Eliph's courtship lengthened out. He + could not have had a better opportunity to speak to Susan alone, and he + warned her of the “piece” T. J. had threatened to publish in the morning, + and of the disgrace and sorrow it would bring to Miss Sally. The girl + listened eagerly and her indignation grew as he went on, so that he had to + veer, and expatiate on the virtues of T. J. and the right of the modern + press to meddle in private affairs when it wants to. + </p> + <p> + “And can't anything be done?” asked Susan. “Why don't somebody do + something? I didn't think Thomas was like that.” + </p> + <p> + “He isn't,” admitted Eliph' heartily. “But he needs coaxing. If you were + to coax him he might see how wrong he is. I shouldn't wonder if he would + come up here to-night, looking for me, being interested in Jarby's + Encyclopedia and anxious to get a copy at the reduced price of two dollars + off, offered to the press only. If he does, try to move him.” + </p> + <p> + “I will,” said Susan. “And if he publishes that piece, I'll never speak to + him again.” + </p> + <p> + Eliph' was still sitting there when T. J. came, and when Susan proposed a + walk down to the corner he knew that it would be all right with T. J. + Jones. A light coming suddenly over his shoulder from the parlor behind + him told him that Miss Sally was ready to receive him, and he took his hat + and went into the house. + </p> + <p> + Miss Sally was sitting in the rocker with the cross-stitch cover, and + Eliph' took a seat at the opposite side of the center-table and lifted the + morocco bound copy of Jarby's from its place beside the shell box. The + kerosene lamp glowed between them, and he drew closer to the table and + laid the book gently on his knees. Miss Sally sat straight upright in her + chair and looked at the little book agent. + </p> + <p> + “This book,” he said, looking up at her with eyes in which kindness and + business mingled, “although sold, in this handsome binding, for seven + fifty, is worth, to one who understands it, its weight in gold. It holds a + help for every hour and a hint for every minute of the day. It furnishes + wisdom for a lifetime. I read it and study it; for every difficulty of my + life it furnishes a solution. Corns? It tells how to cure them. Food? It + tells how to cook it. Love? It tells how to make it. But,” he said, laying + his hand affectionately on the morocco cover, “to be understood it must be + read. To read it well is to admire and cherish it, and yet, only this + morning I was about to tear my copy of this priceless volume to pieces and + scatter it to the four winds of heaven.” + </p> + <p> + He paused to let this awful fact sink into Miss Sally's mind. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” he continued, “I was about to turn away from the best friend I have + in the world and declare to one and all that Jarby's Encyclopedia of + Knowledge and Compendium of Literature, Science and Art was a fraud! When + I left your home yesterday, I was full of anger. I was mad at Jarby's + Encyclopedia of Knowledge and Compendium of Literature, Science and Art. I + had trusted to its words and directions, as set forth in, Courtship—How + to Make Love—How to Win the Affections—How to Hold Them When + Won, and you sent me away. I went away a different man than I had come, + and resolved to go away from Kilo, and never to sell another copy of this + book. I resolved to take the sale of 'Hicks' Facts for the Million,' a + book, although greater in cost, containing by actual count sixteen + thousand less words than this. + </p> + <p> + “I went to my room at Doc Weaver's,” he continued, “and seized my copy of + this work from where it lay on my bureau. I called it names. I told it it + was a cheat and a liar. Yes, Miss Sally, I let my angry passions rise + against this poor, innocent book. I believed it had advised me falsely. I + had trusted to its words and had done as it said to do, and you had sent + me away, not in anger, but in sorrow, but just as much away. I picked up + the book and opened it, grasping it in two hands to tear it asunder.” + </p> + <p> + He opened the book and showed her how he had grasped it. + </p> + <p> + “I pulled it to tear it in two,” he said, raising the book and pulling it + in the direction of asunder, “but it would not rip. It was bound too well, + the copies bound in cloth at five dollars, one dollar down and one dollar + a month until paid, being bound as firmly as the more expensive copies at + seven fifty. I pulled harder and the book came level with my nose. I saw + it had opened at 'Courtship—How to Make Love,' and I said, 'While I + am getting my breath to give this book another pull, why not read the lie + that is written here once more? It will give me strength to rend it + asunder.' So I read it.” + </p> + <p> + He looked at Miss Sally and saw that she was showing no signs of being + bored. + </p> + <p> + “I held the book like this,” he said, showing how he held it, “and read. + All that it said to do I had done and my anger grew stronger. But I turned + the page! I saw the words I had not seen before; words that told me I had + tried to tear my best friend to pieces. I sand into a chair trembling like + a leaf. I felt like a man jerked back from the edges of Niagara Falls, a + full description and picture of that wonder of nature being given in this + book among other natural masterpieces. I weakly lifted the book back again + and read those golden words.” + </p> + <p> + “What was it?” asked Miss Sally, leaning forward. + </p> + <p> + “'Courtship—How to Make Love—How to Win the Affections—How + to Hold Them When Won.'” said Eliph', turning to the proper page. “And the + words I read were these: 'The lover should not be utterly cast down if he + be refused upon first appealing for the dear one's hand. A first refusal + often means little or nothing. A lady frequently uses this means to test + the reality of the passion the lover has professed, and in such a case a + refusal is often a most hopeful sign. Unless the refusal has been + accompanied by very evident signs of dislike, the lover should try again. + If at the third trial the fair one still denies his suit, he had better + seek elsewhere for happiness, but until the third test he should not be + discouraged. The first refusal may be but the proof of a finer mind than + common in the lady.'” + </p> + <p> + Eliph' removed his spectacles and laid them carefully in the pages of the + book which he closed and placed gently on the center-table. + </p> + <p> + “Having read that,” he said, “I saw that I had done this work a wrong. I + had read it hastily and had missed the most important words. I felt the + joy of life returning to me. I remembered that you were a lady of finer + mind than common, and I understood why you had refused me. I resolved to + stay in Kilo and justify Jarby's Encyclopedia of Knowledge and Compendium + of Literature, Science and Art by giving it another trial. And now,” he + said, placing his hand on the book where it lay on the table and leaning + forward to gaze more closely into Miss Sally's face, while she faced him + with a quickened pulse, and a blush, “now, I want to ask you again, WILL + you put your name down for a copy of this work——” He stopped + appalled at what he had said, and stared at Miss Sally for one moment + foolishly, while over her face spread not a frown of anger or contempt, + but a pleasant smile of friendly amusement. + </p> + <p> + “Not the book,” he said, “but me.” + </p> + <p> + Miss Sally looked at the eager eyes that were not only serious, but + sincere and kind. + </p> + <p> + “Well, Mister Hewlitt,” she said, “I guess I'll have to marry someone some + time so I might as well marry you as anybody. But I don't think pa will + ever give consent to havin' a book agent in the family. He hates book + agents worse than I used to.” + </p> + <p> + “You don't any more,” said Eliph', putting his hand very far across the + table. + </p> + <p> + “Well, no, I don't,” said Miss Sally graciously, “not all of 'em.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0019" id="link2HCH0019"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIX. Pap Briggs' Hen Food + </h2> + <p> + The doubt that Miss Sally had expressed regarding Pap Briggs' acceptance + of Eliph' Hewlitt as a son-in-law was mild compared with the fact. When + the old man returned the next day from his farm at Clarence and learned + from Miss Sally that she had promised to marry the book agent he was + furiously angry. For two whole days he refused to wear his store teeth at + all, and when he recovered from his first height of anger it was to settle + down into a hard and fast negative. He went about town telling anyone that + would listen to him that there ought to be licenses against book agents, + and once having made up his mind that Miss Sally should not marry Eliph' + as long as he remained alive to prevent it, not even the friendly + approaches of the book agent could move him from his stubborn resolution. + Miss Sally would not think of marrying while her father was in such a + state of opposition, and indeed, Eliph' did not urge it. He had no desire + to defy his father-in-law, and he unwillingly but kindly agreed to wait. + </p> + <p> + In this way the autumn faded into winter. Mrs. Tarbro-Smith returned to + New York with a note-book full of dialect and a head full of local color + and types, and if she took Susan with her it was only because she agreed + to bring her back in June, when T. J. Jones was to marry her. Miss Sally + lived on with her father, attending to his wants, which were few and + simple. An egg for breakfast, and enough tobacco to burn all day were his + chief earthly desires, eggs because he could eat them in comfort, and + tobacco because he liked it. + </p> + <p> + When Miss Sally had moved to town there was one thing she had said her + father SHOULDN'T do, after living all his life on a farm, and that was, + have store eggs for his breakfast. + </p> + <p> + “Hens is trouble enough, Lord knows,” said Miss Sally, “an' dirty, if they + can't be kep' in their place; but there's some comfort in their cluckin' + round, and I guess I'll have plenty of time, and to spare to tend to 'em; + so, Pap, you won't have to eat no stale eggs for breakfast, if I kin help + it. They ain't nothing' I hate to think on like boughten eggs. Nobody + knows how old they are, nor who's been a-handlin' them; and eat boughten + eggs you shan't do, sure's my name's Briggs!” + </p> + <p> + So Sally brought half a dozen hens and a gallant rooster to town with her, + and supervised the erection of a cozy coop and hen-yard, and Pap had the + comfort of knowing his eggs were fresh. But fresh or not, it made no + difference to him so long as he had one each morning, and it was fairly + edible. + </p> + <p> + “These teeth o' mine,” he told Billings, the grocer, “cost twelve dollars + down to Franklin, by the best dentist there; but, law sakes! A feller + can't eat hard stuff with any comfort with 'em for fear of breakin' 'em + every minute. They ain' nothin' but chiney, an' you know how chiney's the + breakiest thing man ever made. That's why I say, 'Give me eggs for + breakfast, Sally,'—and eggs I will have.” + </p> + <p> + The six hens did their duty nobly during the summer and autumn and a part + of the winter, and Pap had his egg unfailingly; but in December the long + cold spell came, and the six hens struck. It was the longest and coldest + spell ever known in Kilo, and it hung on and hung on until the entire hen + population of Eastern Iowa became disgusted and went on a strike. Eggs + went up in price until even packed eggs of the previous summer sold for + twenty-seven and thirty cents a dozen, and angel-cake became an impossible + dainty. + </p> + <p> + The second morning that Pap Briggs ate this eggless breakfast he suggested + that perhaps Sally might buy a few eggs at the grocery. + </p> + <p> + “Pap Briggs,” she exclaimed reproachfully, “the idee of you sayin' sich a + thin! As if I would cook packed eggs! No; we'll wait, and mebby the hens + will begin layin' again in a day or two.” + </p> + <p> + But they did not, and the days became a week, and two weeks, and still no + eggs rewarded her daily search. Pap knew better than to repeat his + suggestion of buying eggs, for Sally Briggs said a thing only when she + meant it, and to mention it again would only exasperate her. + </p> + <p> + “Our hens don't lay a blame egg,” Pap told Billings complainingly, “and + Sally won't buy eggs, and I can't eat nothin' but eggs for breakfast, so I + reckon I'll jist have to naturally starve to death.” + </p> + <p> + “Why don't you try some of our hen-food?” asked Billings, taking up a + package and reading from the label. “'Guaranteed to make hens lay in all + kinds of weather, the coldest as well as the warmest' That's just what you + want, Pap.” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Pap, “I been keepin' hens off and on for nigh forty year, and + I ain't ever seen any o' that stuff that was ary good; but I got to have + eggs or bust, so I'll take a can o' that stuff. But I ain't no hopes of + it, Billings, I ain't no hopes.” + </p> + <p> + His pessimism was well founded. The cold spell was too much even for the + best hen-food to conquer. No eggs rewarded him. + </p> + <p> + One evening he was sitting in Billings', smoking his pipe and thinking. He + had been thinking for some time, and at length a sparkle came into his + eyes, and he knocked the ashes from his pipe and arose. + </p> + <p> + “Billings,” he said, “mix me up about a nickel's wuth o' corn-meal, and a + nickel's wuth o' flour, and”—he hesitated a moment and then chuckled—“and + a nickel's wuth o' wash-blue.” + </p> + <p> + “For heaven's sake, Pap,” said Billings, “have ye gone plumb crazy?” + </p> + <p> + “No, I ain't,” said Pap. “I ain't lost all my brains yit, nor I ain't gone + plumb crazy yit, neither. That's a hen food I invented.” + </p> + <p> + “Hen-food!” exclaimed Billings. “You don't 'low that will make hens lay, + do you, Pap?” + </p> + <p> + “I ain't advisin' no one to use it that don't want to,” said Pap, “but I + bet you I'm a-goin' to feed that to my hens”; and he chuckled again. + </p> + <p> + “Pap,” said Billings, “you're up to some be-devilment, sure! What is it?” + </p> + <p> + “You jist keep your hand on your watch till you find out,” answered Pap, + and he took his package and went home. + </p> + <p> + “Sally,” he said when he entered the house, “I got some hen-food now + that's bound to make them hens lay, sure.” + </p> + <p> + She took the package and opened it. + </p> + <p> + “For law's sake, Pap,” she said, “what kind o' hen-food is that? It's + blue!” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said Pap, looking at it closely, “it IS blue, ain't it? It's a + mixture of my own. I ain't been raisin' hens off an' on fer forty year for + nothin'. You got to study the hen, Sally, and think about her. Why don't a + hen lay in cold weather? 'Cause the weather makes the hen cold. This will + make her warm. You jist try it. Give 'em a spoonful apiece an' I reckon + they'll lay. It don't look like much, but I bet you anything it'll make + them hens lay.” + </p> + <p> + “I don't believe it,” she snapped, “and I'll hold you to that bet, sure's + my names Briggs.” But the next day she gave them the allotted portion. + </p> + <p> + That evening when Pap Briggs knocked the ashes from his pipe and rose from + his seat in Billings' store, he said, “Billings, have you got some mainly + fresh eggs—eggs you kin recommend?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I have,” said Billings, with a grin. “So your hen-food don't work, + Pap?” + </p> + <p> + Pap chuckled. + </p> + <p> + “It's a-workin,” he said, “and you can give me a dozen o' them eggs. And, + say, you need't tell Sally.” + </p> + <p> + Billings laughed. “I'm on,” he said. + </p> + <p> + Pap put the bag of eggs back of the cracker-box, and put three of them in + his pocket. + </p> + <p> + When he reached home he quietly slipped around the house and deposited the + three eggs in three nests, and went it. + </p> + <p> + The next morning Sally greeted him with a smile. “Eggs this mornin', Pap,” + she said. “That hen-food did work like a charm. I got three eggs.” + </p> + <p> + Pap ate without comment until he had finished the second egg. He felt that + he could eat a dozen, after his long fast. + </p> + <p> + “It do seem good to have eggs agin,” he said. + </p> + <p> + That evening, and the next evening he deposited three eggs as before. On + the third morning Sally said: “It's queer about them hens, Pap; they lay, + but they don't cluck like a hen generally does when she lays an egg.” + </p> + <p> + Pap hesitated for a moment. + </p> + <p> + “It's sich cold weather,” he said, “I reckon that's why.” + </p> + <p> + About a week later Sally said: “I do declare to gracious, Pap, them hens + do puzzle me.” + </p> + <p> + Pap moved uneasily in his seat. + </p> + <p> + “The do puzzle me!” repeated Sally. “Here the are layin' right along as + reg'lar as summer-time, and never cluckin' or lettin' on a bit, and the + queerest thing is they jist lay three eggs every day. It don't seem + natural!” + </p> + <p> + That night Pap put four eggs in the nests. The next night he put in five, + and the next night three, and the danger into which his wiles had fallen + was averted. + </p> + <p> + One morning Sally startled him by saying: “Pap, I can't make them hens + out. Here they are a-layin' right along, and all at once they quit layin' + decent sized eggs like they ought, and begin layin' little mean things no + better than banty eggs.” + </p> + <p> + Pap scratched his head. + </p> + <p> + “You must allow, Sally,” he said, “that it's quite a strain on a hen to + keep a-layin' right along through such weather as this, and I'm only + thankful they lay any. Mebby if you give them a leetle more o' that + hen-food they'll do better.” + </p> + <p> + “I believe it,” said Sally. “Why, it's wonderful, Pap. I shouldn't be a + bit surprised to find 'em layin' duck eggs if I jist give 'em enough o' + that stuff.” + </p> + <p> + Pap looked closely at her face, but it was innocent of guile. She + suspected nothing. + </p> + <p> + The next day the eggs were of the proper size. + </p> + <p> + “It's a real blessin' to have hens a-layin',” she said one day. “I took + half a dozen over to the minister's wife this mornin', and she was so + pleased! She said it was sich a blessin' to have fresh eggs again. She was + gittin' sick o' them she's been buyin' at Billings'. She was downright + thankful.” + </p> + <p> + About a week later she said: + </p> + <p> + “Them hens of ourn do beat all creation. I run out o' that hen-food a week + ago, and I hain't give them a mite since, and they keep a-layin' jist the + same. I can't make head nor tail of them, Pap.” + </p> + <p> + Pap squirmed in his chair. + </p> + <p> + “Pshaw, now, Sally,” he said, “you'd ought to have let me know you was + out. You oughtn't to do that. Feed 'em plenty of it. They deserve it. If + you stop feedin' them they'll stop layin' pretty soon. The effect of that + hen-food don't last more'n two weeks. No,” he said thoughtfully, “ten days + is the longest I ever knowed it to last 'em.” + </p> + <p> + If Pap Briggs enjoyed his eggs for breakfast he enjoyed as fully the many + laughs he had with Billings over the scheme, and Billing found it hard to + keep his promised secrecy. It would be such a good story to tell. But Pap + exhorted him daily, and he did not let the secret out. + </p> + <p> + One Sunday morning Pap came down to his breakfast and took his seat. Sally + brought his coffee and bacon. Then she brought him a plate of moistened + toast. + </p> + <p> + “You've forgot the eggs, Sally,” said Pap admonishingly. + </p> + <p> + “They ain't none this morning,” said Sally briefly. + </p> + <p> + Pap looked up and saw that her mouth was set very firmly. + </p> + <p> + “No eggs?” he asked tremulously. + </p> + <p> + “No,” she said decidedly, “no eggs! I kin believe that hens lay eggs and + don't cluck, and I kin believe that hens lay eggs all winter, and I kin + believe that Plymouth Rock hens lay Leghorn eggs and Shanghai eggs and + Banty eggs, Pap, but when hens begin layin' spoiled eggs I ain't no more + faith in hens.” + </p> + <p> + Pap laid down his knife and fork. + </p> + <p> + “Spoiled eggs!” he ejaculated. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, spoiled eggs,” she declared. “You and Billings ought to be more + careful.” + </p> + <p> + Pap turned his bacon over and eyed it critically. Then he frowned at it. + Then he chuckled. + </p> + <p> + “You needn't laugh,” said Miss Sally severely. “You don't get no more eggs + until the hens begin laying regular. You can eat moistened toast. You + ain't fair to me, pa. You set up to say who I shall marry, when I'm old + enough to know for myself, and then you go and cheat me about eggs. Mebby + I ain't old enough to know who to marry, but I'm old enough to run this + house for you, and you don't get no more eggs. No more eggs until spring, + or until I can marry who I want to.” + </p> + <p> + Pap looked at the mushy piece of toast and grinned sheepishly. + </p> + <p> + “You'd be worse of 'n ever, Sally,” he said meekly, “if so be you married + a man that felt he had to hev eggs every morning. They'd be two of us + then.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I'd just have to buy eggs then,” she said, “if that come to pass. I + couldn't expect these few hens to lay enough eggs in winter for two men. + If I had to buy eggs for a husband, I'd buy them.” + </p> + <p> + The old man ate his toast slowly and without relish. + </p> + <p> + “Sally,” he said that afternoon, “I guess mebby you'd better git married. + I'm gittin' old. You'd better marry that book agent whilst you got a + chance.” + </p> + <p> + It was Pap Briggs who urged an early date, after that, and who was most + joyous at the wedding. + </p> + <p> + “Pap,” asked Sally one morning soon after she and Eliph' were married, + while the three were sitting at breakfast, “what ever made you swing round + so sudden and want me to marry Eliph', after objectin' so long?” + </p> + <p> + Her father looked at Eliph' slyly and chuckled. + </p> + <p> + “Eggs,” he said. “I fooled you that time, Sally. I knowed when I said to + go ahead that Eliph' has to have eggs for breakfast. Doc Weaver told me + so.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Kilo, by Ellis Parker Butler + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK KILO *** + +***** This file should be named 3427-h.htm or 3427-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/4/2/3427/ + +Produced by Linda P. Kemper-Holzman, and David Widger + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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