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diff --git a/old/34935-8.txt b/old/34935-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e3d6fdf --- /dev/null +++ b/old/34935-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13746 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Consequences, by E. M. Delafield + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Consequences + +Author: E. M. Delafield + +Release Date: January 12, 2011 [EBook #34935] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONSEQUENCES *** + + + + +Produced by Amy Sisson and Marc D'Hooghe +(http://www.girlebooks.com & http://www.freeliterature.org) + + + + + + + + + +CONSEQUENCES + +By + +E.M. DELAFIELD + + +New York + +ALFRED A. KNOPF + +MCMXIX + + + +_Dedicated to M.P.P._ + +_and, in spite of air-raids, to the_ + +_pleasant memory of our winter_ + +_in London, 1917-1918_ + + + + +CONTENTS + + BOOK I + I THE GAME OF CONSEQUENCES + II SCHOOL + III QUEENIE TORRANCE + IV HOLIDAYS + V OTHER PEOPLE + VI THE END OF AN ERA + VII LONDON SEASON + VIII GOLDSTEIN AND QUEENIE + IX SCOTLAND + X NOEL + XI ENGAGEMENT OF MARRIAGE + XII CHRISTMAS PANTOMIME + XIII DECISION + XIV BARBARA + XV DIAMOND JUBILEE + XVI MOTHER GERTRUDE + XVII LAWN-TENNIS + XVIII CRISIS + + BOOK II + XIX BELGIUM + XX AFTERMATH + XXI FATHER FARRELL + XXII ROME + XXIII N.W. + XXIV ALL OF THEM + XXV VIOLET + XXVI AUGUST + XXVII THE EMBEZZLEMENT + XXVIII CEDRIC + XXIX FORGIVENESS + XXX EPITAPH + + + + +Book I + + + + +I + +The Game of Consequences + + +The firelight flickered on the nursery wall, and the children sat round +the table, learning the new game which the nursery-maid said they would +like ever so, directly they understood it. + +"I understand it already," said Alex, the eldest, tossing her head +proudly. "Look, Barbara, you fold the piece of paper like this, and then +give it to Cedric, because he's next to you, and I give mine to you, and +Emily gives hers to me. That's right, isn't it, Emily?" + +"Quite right, Miss Alex; what a clever girl, to be sure. Here, Master +Baby, you can play with me. You're too little to do it all by yourself." + +"He isn't Baby any more. We've got to call him Archie now. The new +little sister is Baby," said Alex dictatorially. + +She liked always to be the one to give information, and Emily had only +been with them a little while. The children's own nurse would have told +her to mind her own business, or to wait till she was asked, before +teaching her grandmother, but Emily said complacently: + +"To be sure, Miss Alex! and such a big boy as Master Archie is, too. Now +you all write down a name of a gentleman." + +"What gentleman?" asked Cedric judicially. He was a little boy of eight, +with serious grey eyes and a good deal of dignity. + +"Why, any gentleman. Some one you all know." + +"I know, I know." + +Alex, always the most easily excited of them all, scribbled on her piece +of paper and began to bounce up and down on her chair. + +"Hurry up, Barbara. You're so slow." + +"I don't know who to put." + +Alex began to whisper, and Barbara at once said: + +"Nurse doesn't allow us to whisper. It's bad manners." + +"You horrid little prig!" + +Alex was furious. Barbara's priggishness always put her into a temper, +because she felt it, unconsciously, to be a reflection on her own +infallibility as the eldest. + +"Miss Barbara," said Emily angrily, "it's not for you to say what Nurse +allows or doesn't allow; _I'm_ looking after you now. The idea, indeed!" + +Barbara's pale, pointed little face grew very red, but she did not cry, +as Alex, in spite of her twelve years, would almost certainly have cried +at such a snub. + +She set her mouth vindictively and shot a very angry look at Alex out of +her blue eyes. Then she wrote something on the slip of paper, shielding +it with her hand so that her sister could not read it. + +Cedric was printing in large capitals, easily legible, but no one was +interested in what Cedric wrote. + +There was a good deal of whispering between Emily and little Archie, and +then the papers were folded up once more and passed round the table +again. + +"But when do we see what we've written?" asked Alex impatiently. + +"Not till the end of the game, then we read them out. That's where the +fun comes in," said Emily. + +It was a long while before the papers were done, and most of the +children found it very difficult to decide what _he_ said to _her_, what +she replied, and what the world said. But at last even Barbara, always +lag-last, folded her slip, very grimy and thumb-marked, and put it with +the others into Emily's apron. + +"Now then," giggled the nursery-maid, "pull one out, Master Archie, and +I'll see what it says." + +Archie snatched at a paper, and they opened it. + +"Listen!" said Emily. + +"The Queen met Master Archie--whoever of you put the Queen?" + +"Cedric!" cried the other children. + +Cedric's loyalty to his Sovereign was a by-word in the nursery. + +"Well, the Queen met Master Archie in the Park. She said to him, 'No,' +and he answered her, 'You dirty little boy, go 'ome and wash your face.' +Well, if that didn't ought to be the other way round!" + +"I wish it was me she'd met in the Park," said Cedric sombrely. "I might +have gone back to Buckingham Palace with her and--" + +"Go on, Emily, go on!" cried Alex impatiently. "Don't listen to Cedric. +What comes next?" + +"The consequences was--whatever's here?" said Emily, pretending an +inability to decipher her own writing. + +"Well, I never! The consequences was, a wedding-ring. Whoever went and +thought of that now? And the world said--" + +The nursery door opened, and Alex shrieked, "Oh, finish it--quick!" + +She knew instinctively that it was Nurse, and that Nurse would be +certain to disapprove of the new game. + +"Don't you make that noise, Alex," said Nurse sharply. "You'll disturb +the baby with your screaming." + +For a moment Alex wondered if the game was to be allowed to proceed, but +Barbara, well known to be Nurse's favourite, must needs say to her in an +amiable little voice, such as she never used to her brothers and sister: + +"Emily's been teaching us such a funny new game, Nurse. Come and play +with us." + +"I've no time to play, as you very well know, with all your clothes +wanting looking over the way they do," Nurse told her complacently. +"What's the game?" + +Alex kicked Barbara under the table, but without much hope, and at the +same moment Cedric remarked very distinctly: + +"It is called Consequences, and Archie met the Queen in the Park. I wish +it had been me instead." + +"Well!" exclaimed Nurse. "That's the way you do when my back's turned, +Miss Emily, teaching them such vulgar, nonsensical games as that. Never +did I hear--now give me those papers this minute." + +She did not wait to be given anything, but snatched the little slips out +of Emily's apron and threw them on to the fire. + +"I'm not going to have no Consequences in _my_ nursery, and don't you +believe it!" remarked Nurse. + +But omnipotent though Nurse was, in the eyes of the Clare children, she +could not altogether compass this feat. + +There were consequences of all sorts. + +Cedric, who was obstinate, and Barbara, also obstinate and rather sly as +well, continued to play at the new game in corners by themselves, +refusing to admit Alex to their society because she told them that they +were playing it all wrong. She knew that they were not playing it as +Emily had taught them, and was prepared to set them right, although she +felt uncertain, in the depths of her heart, as to whether she herself +could remember it all. But at least she knew more than Barbara, who was +silly and a copy-cat, or than Cedric, who had concentrated on the +possibilities the game presented to him of a hypothetical encounter +between himself and his Sovereign. The game for Cedric consisted in the +ever-lengthening conversation which took place under the heading of what +he said to her and what she replied. When Her Majesty proceeded, under +Cedric's laborious pencil, to invite him to drive her in her own +carriage-and-pair, to Buckingham Palace, Alex said scornfully that +Cedric was a silly little boy, and of course the Queen wouldn't say +_that_. To which Cedric turned a perfectly deaf ear, and continued +slowly to evolve amenities eminently satisfactory to his admiration for +Her Majesty. Alex went away, shrugging her shoulders, but secretly she +knew that Cedric's indifference had got the better of her. However much +she might laugh, with the other children, or sometimes, even, in a +superior way, with the grown-ups, when the children went into the +drawing-room, at Cedric's slowness, and his curious fashion of harping +upon one idea at a time, Alex was sub-consciously aware of Cedric as a +force, and one which could, ultimately, always defeat her own diffused, +unbalanced energies. If any one laughed at Alex, or despised one of her +many enthusiasms, she would quickly grow ashamed of it, and try to +pretend that she had never really been in earnest. In the same way, she +would affect qualities and instincts which did not belong to her, with +the hope of attracting, and of gaining affection. + +But Cedric went his own way, as genuinely undisturbed by Nurse's +scoldings and hustlings as by his elder sister's mockery, which had its +origin in her secret longing to prove to herself, in spite of her own +inmost convictions, that she was the dominant spirit in her little +world. + +It always made her angry when Cedric left her gibes unanswered, not from +a desire to provoke her further, but simply from his complete absorption +in the matter in hand, and his utter indifference to Alex's comments. + +"Don't you hear what I say?" Alex asked sharply. + +"No," said Cedric baldly. "I'm not listening. Don't interrupt me, Alex." + +"You're playing it all wrong--you and Barbara. Two silly little babies," +she cried angrily and incoherently. "And it's a stupid, vulgar game. +Nurse said so." + +Although Alex had been the most enthusiastic of them all when Emily had +first taught her the game, she had at once begun to think it vulgar when +Nurse condemned it. + +She would have nothing more to do with "Consequences." It was quite +likely that in a few days Barbara would get into one of her priggish, +perverse moods, and in a fit of temper with Cedric go and tell Nurse +that he was still indulging in the forbidden pastime. Alex thought she +might as well be out of it. + +She was in trouble often enough in the nursery. Nurse always took +Barbara's part against her, and accused her of being violent and +over-bearing, and then Lady Isabel, the children's mother, would send +for her to her room while she dressed for dinner, and say complainingly: + +"Alex, why do you quarrel so with the others? I shall send you to +school, if you can't be happy with Barbara at home." + +"Oh, don't send me to school, mummy." + +"Not if you're good." + +"I will be good, really, I will." + +"Very well, my child. Now ring for Hawkins, or I shall be late." + +"May I stay and watch you put on your diamond things, mummy? Do let me." + +And Lady Isabel always laughed, and let her stay, so that Alex +eventually went back to the nursery with an elated sense of having been +very good, and accorded privileges which never fell to the lot of +self-righteous Barbara. + +She knew she was her mother's favourite, because she was the eldest, and +was often sent for to the drawing-room when there were people there. +Barbara, of course, was too ugly to go much to the drawing-room. Alex +would toss her own mane of silky brown curls, and draw herself up +conceitedly, as she thought of Barbara's pale face, and thin, attenuated +ringlets. Besides, Lady Isabel had said that Barbara really mustn't come +down again when "people" were there until her second teeth had put in +their tardy appearance. Even Cedric, though acclaimed as "quaint" and +"solemn" by his mother's friends, was too apt to make disconcerting +comments on their sparkling conversation, and would return to the +nursery in disgrace. Alex' only rival for downstairs' favour was little +Archie, who was only four, and at present a very pretty little boy. But +he was too small for Alex ever to feel jealous of him. The new baby, +christened with pomp in the big Catholic Church at the end of the +Square, Pamela Isabel, was, so far, a neglible quantity in the nursery +world. + +She slept in the little room called the inner nursery, most of the day, +and was only with the others when they were taken into the Park or to +play in the square garden. Then Emily pushed the big pram that contained +the slumbering Pamela, and Nurse grasped the hands of Barbara and Archie +and dragged them over the crossings. + +Cedric, by Nurse's express orders, always walked just in front of her +with Alex, and unwillingly submitted to having his hand held by his +sister. + +"Not that I trust Alex for common sense," Nurse was careful to explain, +"not a yard, but so long as they're together I can keep an eye on both +and see they don't get under no hansom's feet. That boy's spectacles are +too downright uncanny for me to let him cross the road alone." + +For Cedric was obliged to wear a large pair of round spectacles, without +which he could only see things that were very close to his eyes. He even +had another, different, pair for reading, which seemed to Alex an +exaggerated precaution, likely to increase Cedric's sense of his own +importance. + +"Well," said Cedric. "You have a plate, and I haven't." + +Alex's plate was an instrument of torture designed to push back two +prominent front teeth. It not only hurt her and kept her awake at night, +but was very disfiguring besides, and she passionately envied Barbara, +who at nine years old still had only gaps where her front teeth should +have been. + +"Of course," Alex would sometimes declare grandly, repeating what she +had heard Lady Isabel say, "Barbara is dreadfully backward. She's such a +baby for her age. _I'm_ very old for my age." + +But she only said this in the drawing-room, where it would provoke +kindly laughter or perhaps interested comment. In the nursery, Nurse +never suffered any airs and graces, as she called them, and would pounce +on Alex and shake her at the least hint of any such nonsense. + +"Just you wait till you're sent to a good strict school, my lady, and +see what you'll get then," she told her threateningly. + +"I'm not going to school. Mummy said I shouldn't go if I was good." + +"We shall see what we shall see. Children as think themselves everybody +at home, gets whipped when they go to school," Nurse told her severely. + +Alex was used to these prognostications. They did not alarm her very +much, because she did not think that she would be sent to school. She +knew instinctively that her father disapproved of ordinary girls' +schools, and that her mother disliked convents, and indeed most things +that had to do with religion. + +Alex supposed that this was because Lady Isabel was a Protestant! She +thought that it was much the nicest religion to belong to, on the whole, +since it evidently imposed no obligations in the nature of church-going, +and she often wondered why her mother had let all her children be +Catholics, instead of Protestants like herself. It certainly couldn't be +because father cared which church the children went to, or whether they +went at all. + +The only person in the house who did seem to care was Nurse, who took +Alex and Barbara and Cedric to High Mass at the Oratory every Sunday, +where there was a front bench reserved for them, with little cards in +brass frames planted at intervals along the ledge in front of them, +bearing the name of Sir Francis Clare. + +Nurse put Barbara on one side of her and Alex on the other, and Cedric +on the outside, and was very particular about their kneeling down and +standing up at the right moment, and keeping the prayer-books open in +front of them. Alex and Barbara each had a _Garden of the Soul_, but +Cedric was only allowed _Holy Childhood_ which had pictures and +anecdotes illustrative of Vice and Virtue at the end. + +Alex knew all the anecdotes by heart, and preferred her own +grown-up-looking book with its small, close print. She had long since +discovered that the one matter over which Nurse could be hoodwinked was +print, and that she might quite safely indulge herself in the perusal of +the pages devoted to the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony, or to a mysterious +ceremony called Churching after Child-birth, during the many dull +portions of the long service. + +The only part of Church that held possibilities was when the little bell +rang at the Elevation, and every one bent his or her head as far down as +it would go over the bench. Alex always looked up surreptitiously, then, +to see if by any chance a miracle was taking place, or to watch Cedric's +invariable manoeuvre of hanging on to the ledge by his teeth and hands +and trying to raise his feet from the floor at the same time. + +Nurse was always piously bent double, her face hidden in her cotton +gloves, breathing stertorously with Barbara on the other side devotedly +imitating her, even to the production of strange sounds through her own +tightly-compressed lips. + +After that, Alex always knew that the end of Church was near, and that +as soon as the priest had taken up his little square headgear and faced +the congregation for the last time, Nurse would begin to poke her +violently, as a sign that she was to get up and to make Cedric pick up +his cap and his gloves. + +Then came the genuflection as they filed out between the benches, and +Nurse was always very particular that this should be done properly, +frequently pressing a heavy hand on Alex's shoulder until her knee +bumped painfully against the stone floor. The final ceremony connected +with the children's religion took place at the door, when Cedric had to +make his way through rustling skirts and an occasional pair of black +trousers to the big stone basin of holy water. Into this, standing on +tiptoe with immense difficulty, he plunged as much of his hand as was +necessary to satisfy the sharp inspection of Nurse when he returned, +proffering dripping fingers to her and to his sisters. + +The last perfunctory sign of the cross made then, the worst of Sunday, +in Alex's opinion, was over. + +Roast beef and Yorkshire pudding for dinner was pleasant. Mademoiselle +did not come in the afternoon, and Nurse generally went out and left +Emily in charge. In the summer she took the children to sit in the +Square garden--the Park on Sundays was not allowed--and in the winter +they always walked as far as the Albert Memorial, for which Cedric +entertained a great admiration. + +Sunday was Lady Isabel's At Home day and the children, except during the +season, always went down to the drawing-room after tea, Alex and Barbara +in pale, rose-coloured frocks with innumerable frills at throat and +wrists, and a small pad fastened under each skirt so that it might stand +well out at the back. Cedric, like most other little boys of his age and +standing, was forced to wear a Lord Fauntleroy suit, from which his +cropped bullet head and spectacles emerged incongruously. + +The half-hour in the drawing-room was not enjoyed by the others as it +was by Alex, especially if there were many visitors. She would lean +against Lady Isabel confidently, and hear people say how like she was to +her mother, which always delighted her. Her mother looked so pretty, +sitting on the sofa with her fringe beautifully curled and a lovely +dress that was half a teagown, the tight bodice coming down into a sharp +point in front and behind, and the skirt falling into long folds, with a +train sweeping the ground, and huge loops and bows of soft ribbon +draping it cross-wise. + +Barbara was incurably shy, and poked her head when she was spoken to, +but very few people took as much notice of her as of talkative Alex or +pretty little Archie, who was all blue ribbons and fearless smiles. And +before very long Lady Isabel was sure to say: + +"Now, you'd better run back to the nursery, hadn't you, darlings? or +Nurse will be comin' down in search of you. I've got the most invaluable +old dragon for them," she generally added to her friends. "She's been +with us since Alex was a baby, and rules the whole house." + +"Oh, don't send them away!" one of the visiting ladies would exclaim +politely. "_Such_ darlings!" + +"Oh, but I must! Their father won't _hear_ of my spoilin' them. Now run +along, infants." + +Cedric and Barbara were only too ready to obey, though it was understood +that Lady Isabel's "run along" only meant a very ceremonious departure +from the room, Barbara taking little Archie by the hand and leading him +to the door, where they both dropped the obeisance considered +"picturesque," and Cedric making an unwilling progress to execute his +carefully practised bow before each one of the ladies scattered about +the big room. + +If Alex, however, was enjoying herself, and getting the notice that her +soul loved, she always said in a pleading whisper, loud enough to be +heard by two or three people besides her mother: + +"Oh, do let me stay with you a little longer, mummy. Don't send me +upstairs yet!" + +"How sweet! Do let her stay, dear Lady Isabel." + +"You mustn't encourage me to spoil her. She ought to go up with the +others." + +"Just for this once, mummy." + +"Well, just for this once, perhaps. After all," said Lady Isabel +apologetically, "she _is_ the eldest. She'll be comin' out before I know +where I am!" + +And Alex would enjoy the privilege of being the eldest, and sit beside +her mother, listening to the conversation, and sometimes joining in with +remarks that she thought might be acclaimed as amusing or original, or +even merely precocious. No wonder that the nursery greeted her return +with disdain. Even Emily called her "drawing-room child," and by her +contempt brought Alex' ready tears of mortified vanity to the surface. +But it was much worse on the rare Sunday afternoons when Nurse was in, +when she would greatly resent the slight to Barbara if she was sent up +from the drawing-room before her sister. + +"Working on your mamma to spoil you like that, just because you're a +couple of years older!" Nurse would say, pulling the comb fiercely +through Alex' hair as she went to bed. + +"I'm three whole years older." + +"Don't you contradict me like that, Alex. I'm not going to have any +showing-off up here, I can tell you. You can keep those airs and graces +for your mamma's friends in the drawing-room." + +Alex generally went to bed in tears. + +If Nurse had not been scolding her, then Barbara had been quarrelling +with her. They always quarrelled whenever Barbara ventured to differ +from Alex and take up an attitude of her own, or still more when Barbara +and Cedric made an alliance together and excluded Alex's autocratic +ruling of their games. + +"But it is for your good," she would tell them passionately. "I want to +show you a better way. It'll be much more fun if you do it my +way--you'll see." + +But they did not want to see. + +Their obstinacy always brought to Alex the same sense of incredulous, +resentful fury. How _could_ they not want to be shown the best way of +doing things, when she knew it and they didn't? And, of course, she +always did know it. Was she not the eldest? + +It was not till Alex was almost thirteen that her belief in her own +infallibility as eldest received a rude shock. + +She nearly killed Barbara. + +It was the first week of August, and Sir Francis and Lady Isabel had +gone to Scotland. The children were going to the sea with Nurse on the +following day, and took advantage of her state of excitement over the +packing, and the emptiness of the downstair rooms, to play at circus on +the stairs. Emily only said, "Now don't go hurting yourselves, whatever +you do, or there'll be no seaside tomorrow," and then went back to amuse +Pamela, who was crying and restless from the heat. + +"I'll tell you what!" said Alex. "We'll have tight-rope dancing. I'm +tired of learned pigs and things like that--" This last impersonation +having been perseveringly rendered by Cedric with much shuffling and +snorting over a pack of cards. + +"Give me the skipping-rope, Barbara." + +"Why?" said Barbara, whining. + +"Because I say so," replied her sister, stamping her foot. "I've got an +idea." + +"It's my skipping-rope." + +"But if you don't give it to me we can't have the tight-rope dancing," +said Alex in despair. + +"I don't care. Why should you do tight-rope dancing with my +skipping-rope?" + +"You shall do it first--you shall do it all yourself, if you'll only let +me show you," Alex cried in an agony of impatience. + +On this inducement Barbara slowly parted with her skipping-rope, and let +Alex knot it hastily and insecurely to the newel post on the first +landing above the hall. + +"Now just get up on to the post, Barbara, and I'll hold the other end of +the rope like this, and you'll see--" + +"But I can't, I should fall off." + +"Don't be such a little muff; I'll hold you on." + +"No, no--I'm frightened. Let Cedric do it." + +"No," said Cedric. "I'm being a learned pig." He went down the short +flight of stairs and sat firmly down upon the tiled floor with the pack +of cards out-spread before him. + +"Now come on, Barbara," Alex commanded her; "I'll hold you." + +Between hoisting and pulling and Barbara's own dread of disobeying her, +Alex got her sister into a kneeling position on the broad flat top of +the newel post. + +"Now stand up, and then I'll hold out the rope. You'll be the famous +tight-rope dancer crossing the Falls of Niagara." + +"Alex, I'm frightened." + +"What of, silly? If you did fall it's only a little way on to the +stairs, and I'll catch you. Besides, you'll feel much safer when you're +standing up." + +Barbara, facing the stairs, and with her back to the alarming void +between her perch and the hall-floor, rose trembling to her feet. + +"You look splendid," said Alex. "Now then!" She jerked at the rope, and +at the same instant Barbara screamed and tried to clutch at her. + +Alex caught hold of her sister's ankles, felt Barbara's weight slip +suddenly, and screamed aloud as a shriek and crash that seemed +simultaneous proclaimed Barbara's fall backwards into the hall. + +Cedric and Barbara in a confused struggling heap on the floor--doors +opening upstairs and in the basement--the flying feet of the +servants--all was an agonized nightmare to Alex until Barbara, limp and +inert on Nurse's lap, suddenly began to scream and cry, calling out, "My +back! my back!" + +They hushed her at last, and Nurse carried her into the boudoir, which +was the nearest room, and laid her down on the broad sofa. Then Alex +became aware of a monotonous sound that had struck on her ear without +penetrating to her senses ever since the accident happened. + +"My spectacles are broken. You've broken my spectacles," reiterated a +lamentable voice. + +"You horrid, heartless little boy, Cedric! When poor Barbara--" Sobs +choked her. + +"I like that!" said Cedric. "When it was all you that made her fall at +all--and break my spectacles." + +"What's that?" said Nurse, miraculously reappearing. "All you, was it? I +might have known it, you mischievous wicked child. Tell me what +happened, this minute." + +But Alex was screaming and writhing on the floor, feeling as though she +must die of such misery, and it was Cedric who gave the assembled +household a judicial version of the accident. + +The doctor came and telegrams were sent to Scotland, which brought back +Lady Isabel, white-faced and tearful, and Sir Francis, very stern and +monosyllabic. + +"Father, my spectacles are broken," cried Cedric earnestly, running to +meet them, but they did not seem to hear him. + +"Where is she, Nurse?" said Lady Isabel. + +"In the boudoir, my lady, and better, thank Heaven. The doctor says her +back'll get right again in time." + +Alex, hanging shaking over the balustrade, saw that Nurse was making +faces as though she were crying. But when she came upstairs, after a +long time spent with Lady Isabel in the boudoir, and saw Alex, her face +was quite hard again, and she gave her a push and said, "It's no use +crying those crocodile tears now. You should have thought of that before +trying to kill Barbara the way you did." + +"I didn't, I didn't," sobbed Alex. + +But nobody paid any attention to her. + +Good-natured Emily was sent away, because Nurse said she wasn't fit to +be trusted, and Cook, who was Emily's aunt, and very angry about it all, +told Alex that it was all her fault if poor Emily never got another +place at all. Everything was Alex' fault. + +There was no going to the seaside, even after Barbara was pronounced +better. But Lady Isabel, who, Nurse said, had been given a dreadful +shock by Alex' wickedness, was going into the country, and would take +Archie and the baby with her, if they could get a new nursery-maid at +once. + +"And me and Cedric?" asked Alex, trembling. + +"Cedric doesn't give me no trouble, as you very well know, and he'll +stay here and help me amuse poor little Barbara, as has always got on +with him so nicely." + +"Shall I stay and play with Barbara too?" + +"She's a long way from playing yet," Nurse returned grimly. "And I +should think the sight of you would throw her into a fit, after what's +passed." + +"But what will happen to me, Nurse?" sobbed Alex. + +"Your Papa will talk to you," said Nurse. + +Such a thing had never happened to any of the children before, but Alex, +trembling and sick from crying, found herself confronting Sir Francis in +the dining-room. + +"I am going to send you to school, Alex," he told her. "How old are +you?" + +"Twelve." + +"Then I hope," said Sir Francis gravely, "that you are old enough to +understand what a terrible thing it is to be sent from home in disgrace +for such a reason. I am told that you have the deplorable reputation of +originating quarrels with your brothers and sister, who, but for you, +would lead the normal existence of happily-circumstanced children." + +Alex was terrified. She could not answer these terrible imputations, and +began to cry convulsively. + +"I see," said Sir Francis, "that you are sensible of the appalling +lengths to which this tendency has led you. Even now, I can scarcely +believe it--a harmless, gentle child like your little sister, who, I am +assured, has never done you wilful injury in her life--that you should +deliberately endanger her life and her reason in such a fashion." + +He paused, as though he were waiting for Alex to speak, but she could +not say anything. + +"If your repentance is sincere, as I willingly assume it to be, your +future behaviour must be such as to lead us all, particularly your poor +little sister, to forget this terrible beginning." + +"Will Barbara get well?" + +"By the great mercy of Heaven, and owing to her extreme youth, we are +assured by the doctor that a year or two will entirely correct the +injury to the spine. Had it been otherwise, Alex--" Sir Francis looked +at his daughter in silence. + +"When thanking Heaven for the mercy which has preserved your sister's +life," he said gently, "I hope you will reflect seriously upon redeeming +this action by your future conduct." + +"Oh, I'm sorry--oh, shall you ever forgive me?" gasped Alex, amongst her +sobs. + +"I do forgive you, my child, as does your mother, and as I am convinced +that little Barbara will do. But I cannot, nor would I if I could, avert +from you the consequence of your own act," said her father. + +Barbara did forgive Alex, in a little, plaintive, superior voice, as she +lay very white and straight in bed. She was to stay quite flat on her +back for at least a year, the doctor said, and she need do no lessons, +and later she would be taken out in a long flat carriage that could be +pushed from behind, then she would be able to walk again, and her back +would be quite straight. + +"If she'd been a hunchback, we might have played circus again, and I +could have been the learned pig," said Cedric reflectively. + +Alex went to school at the end of September. + +And that was her first practical experience of the game of Consequences, +as played by the freakish hand of fate. + + + + +II + +School + + +Alex' schooldays were marked by a series of emotional episodes. + +In her scale of values, only the personal element counted for anything. +She was intelligent and industrious at her classes when she wished to +gain the approbation of an attractive class-mistress, and idle and +inattentive when she wanted to please the pretty girl with yellow hair, +who sat next her and read a story-book under cover of a French grammar. + +Alex did not read; she wanted to make the yellow-haired girl look at her +and smile at her. She thought Queenie Torrance beautiful, though her +beauty did not strike Alex until after she had fallen a helpless victim +to one of those violent, irrational attractions for one of her own sex, +that are apt to assail feminine adolescence. + +"I hope that you will find some nice little companions at Liège," Sir +Francis had gravely told his daughter in valediction, "but remember that +exclusive friendships are not to be desired. Friendly with all, familiar +with none," said Sir Francis, voicing the ideal of his class and of his +period. + +As well tell a stream not to flow downhill. Nothing but the most +exclusive and inordinate of attachments lay within the scope of Alex' +emotional capacities. She was incapable alike of asking or of bestowing +in moderation. + +Theoretically she would tell herself that she would give all, trust, +confidence, love, friendship, and ask for nothing in return. Practically +she suffered tortures of jealousy if the loved one addressed a word or +smile to any but herself, and cried herself to sleep night after night +in the certainty of loving infinitely more than she was loved. + +The material side of her life as a _pensionnaire_ at the Liège convent +made very little impression upon her, excepting in relation to the +emotional aspect, of which she was never unaware. + +To the end of her days, the clean, pungent smell of a certain polish +used upon the immense spaces of bare _parquet ciré_ all over the +building, would serve to recall the vivid presentment of the tall +Belgian _postulante_ whose duty it was to apply it with a huge mop, and +whom, from a distance only to be appreciated by those who know the +immensity of the gulf that in the convent world separates the novice +from the pupils, Alex had worshipped blindly. + +And the acrid, yet not unpleasant taste of _confiture_ thinly spread +over thick slices of brown bread, would remind her with equal vividness +of the daily three o'clock interval for _goûter_, with Queenie Torrance +pacing beside her in the garden quadrangle, one hand of each rolled into +her black-stuff apron to try and keep warm, and the other grasping the +enormous double _tartine_ that formed the afternoon's refection. + +Even the slight, steady sound of hissing escaping from a gas jet of +which the flame is turned as high as it will go, stood to Alex for the +noisy evening recreation, spent in the enforced and detested amusement +of _la ronde_, when her only preoccupation was to place herself by the +object of her adoration, for the grasp of her hand in its regulation +cotton glove, as the circle of girls moved drearily round and round +singing perfunctorily. + +The tuneless tune of those _rondes_ remained with Alex long after the +words had lost the savour of irony with which novelty had once invested +them. + + _"Quelle horrible attente_ + _D'être postulante...._ + _Quel supplice_ + _D'être une novice_ + _Ah! quel comble d'horreur_ + _Devenir soeur de choeur...."_ + +Alex' symbols were not romantic ones, but there was no romance in the +life of the Liège convent, save what she brought to it herself. Even the +memory of the great square _verger_, in the middle of gravelled alleys, +brought to her mind for sole token of summer, only her horror of the +immense pale-red slugs that crawled slowly and interminably out and +across the paths in the eternal rains of the Belgian climate. Nothing +mattered but people. + +And of all the people in the world, only those whom one loved. + +Thus Alex' sweeping, unformulated conviction, holding in it all the +misapplication of an essential force, squandered for lack of a sense of +proportion. + +She despised herself secretly, both for her intense craving for +affection and for her prodigality in bestowing it. She was like a child +endeavouring to pour a great pailful of water into a very little cup. + +Waste and disaster were the inevitable results. + +The real love of Alex' young enthusiasm, fair-haired Queenie Torrance, +was preceded by her inarticulate, unreasoned adoration for the Belgian +_postulante_. But the Belgian _postulante_ was never visible, save at a +distance, so that even Alex' unreasonable affections found nothing to +feed upon. + +There was a French girl, much older than herself, for whom Alex then +conceived an enthusiasm. Marie-Angèle smiled on her and encouraged the +infatuation of the curiously un-English little English girl. But she +gave her nothing in return. Alex knew it, and recklessly spent all her +weekly pocket-money on flowers and sweets for Marie-Angèle, thinking +that the gifts would touch her and awaken in her an affection that it +was not her nature to bestow, least of all on an ardent and ungainly +child, six years her junior. Alex shed many tears for Marie-Angèle, and +years later read some words that suddenly and swiftly recalled the girl +who passed in and out of her life in less than a year. + + _"I love you for your few caresses,_ + _I love you for my many tears"_ + +The lines, indeed, were curiously typical of the one-sided relations +into which Alex entered so rashly and so inevitably throughout her +schooldays. + +She was fifteen, and had been nearly three years at Liège, when Queenie +Torrance came. She was Alex' senior by a year, and the only other +English girl in the school at that time. Alex was told to look after +her, and went to the task with a certain naïve eagerness, that she +always brought to bear upon any personal equation. In an hour, she was +secretly combating an enraptured certainty, of which she felt +nevertheless ashamed, that she had found at last the ideal object on +whom to expend the vehement powers of affection for which she was always +seeking an outlet. + +Queenie was slight, very fair, with a full, serious oval face, innocent +grey eyes set very far apart, and the high, rounded forehead and small, +full-lipped mouth, of a type much in vogue in England at the time of the +Regency. This was the more marked by the thick flaxen hair which fell +back from her face, and over her shoulders into natural heavy ringlets. +She was not very pretty, although she was often thought so, but she was +charged with a certain animal magnetism, almost inseparable from her +type. Half the girls in the school adored her. Queenie, already +attractive to men, and sent to the convent in Belgium in reality on that +account, nominally for a year's finishing before her début in London +society, was for the most part scornful of these girlish admirers, but +Alex she admitted to her friendship. + +She was precociously aware that intimacy with Lady Isabel Clare's +daughter was likely to accrue to her own advantage later on in London. + +The genius for sympathy which led Alex to innumerable small sacrifices +and tender smoothings of difficulties for her idol, Queenie at first +received with a graceful gratitude which yet held in it something of +suspicion, as though she wondered what return would presently be exacted +of her. + +But it became obvious that Alex expected nothing, and received with +eager thankfulness the slightest recognition of her devotion. + +Queenie despised her, but was lavish of gentle thanks and caressing +exclamations. Hers was not a nature ever to make the mistake of killing +the goose that laid the golden eggs. + +Finding to her concealed astonishment that Alex only asked toleration, +or at the most acceptance of her ardent devotion, and was transported at +the slightest occasional token of affection in return, Queenie stinted +her of neither. It would have seemed to her the most irrational folly to +discourage a love, however one-sided, that found its expression in +tireless sympathy, endless championship, and unlimited material gifts +and help of any or every description. Alex did all that she could of +Queenie's lessons, made her bed and mended her clothes for her whenever +she could do so undetected by the authorities, spent her pocket-money on +gratifying Queenie's shameless and inordinate passion for sweet things, +and once or twice told lies badly and unsuccessfully, to shield Queenie +from the effects of her own laziness and constant evasion of +regulations. + +Alex had been taught, in common with every other child of her upbringing +and nationality, that to tell a lie was the worst crime to which a +self-respecting human being can stoop. She also believed that a person +who has told a lie is a liar, and that all liars go to Hell. Yet by some +utterly illogical perversity of which she was hardly even aware, it did +not shock or very much distress her, to find that Queenie Torrance told +lies, and told them, moreover, with an air of quiet and convincing +candour that placed them in a very different category to Alex' own +halting, improbable fibs, delivered with a scarlet face and a manifest +air of hunting for further corroboration as she spoke. + +In the extraordinary scale of moral values unconsciously held by Alex, +there were apparently no abstract standards of right and wrong. Where +she loved, though she might, against her own will see defects, she was +incapable of condemning. + +Queenie took a curious, detached interest in coldly gratifying her +vanity, by seeking to test the lengths of extravagance to which Alex' +admiration would go. + +"Supposing I quarrelled with every one here, and they all sent me to +Coventry--whose part would you take?" + +"Yours, of course." + +"But if I were in the wrong?" + +"That wouldn't make any difference. In fact, you'd need it more if you +were in the wrong." + +"I don't see that!" Queenie exclaimed. "If I were in the wrong I should +have deserved it." + +"But that would make it all the worse for you. It's always the people +who are in the wrong who need most to have their part taken," Alex +explained confusedly, yet voicing an intimate conviction. + +"I don't think you have much idea of justice, Alex," said Queenie drily. + +The conversation made Alex very miserable. It was characteristic of her +want of logic that while she reproached herself secretly for her own +impiety in setting the objects of her affection far above what she +conceived to be the abstract standard of right and wrong, yet she never +questioned but that any love bestowed upon herself would be measured out +in direct proportion to her merits. + +And despairingly did Alex sometimes review the smallness of her deserts. + +She was disobedient, untruthful, quarrelsome, irreligious. It seemed to +Alex that there was no fault to which she could not lay claim. Her lack +of elementary religious teaching put her at a disadvantage in the +convent atmosphere, and made its frequent religious services and +instructions so tedious to her, that she was in constant disgrace for +her weary, inattentive attitudes, not unjustly designated as irreverent, +in the chapel. + +She was not at all popular with the nuns. The "influence" which her +class-mistress wielded over so many of the pupils, or the "interest" +which the English Assistant Superior would so willingly have extended to +her youthful compatriot were alike without effect upon Alex. She was not +drawn to any of these holy, black-clad women, to one or other of whom +almost all her French and Belgian and American contemporaries devoted a +rather stereotyped enthusiasm. + +Had the vagrant fancy of Alex lighted upon any one of the elder nuns +charged with the direction of the school, the attraction would have been +discreetly permitted, if not admittedly sanctioned, by the authorities. +It would almost inevitably have led Alex to an awakening of religious +sensibilities and the desirability of this result would have outweighed, +even if it did not absolutely obscure in the eyes of the nuns, the +excessive danger of obtaining such a result by such means. + +But the stars in their courses had designed that Alex should regard the +Mesdames Marie Baptiste and Marie Evangeliste of her convent days with +indifference, and devote her ardent temperament and precocious +sensibilities to the worship of Queenie Torrance. + +The enthusiasm was smiled upon by no one, and thereby became the more +inflamed. + +"Je n'aime pas ces amitiés particulières," said the class-mistress of +Queenie Torrance severely, to which Miss Torrance replied with polite +distress that she was powerless in the matter. It made her ridiculous, +she disliked the constant infringement of rules to which Alex' pursuit +exposed her, but--one could not be unkind. She did not know why Alex +Clare showed her especial affection--she herself had done nothing to +encourage these indiscreet displays. Of course, it was pleasant to be +liked, but one wished only to do right about it. Queenie mingled candour +with perplexity, and succeeded in convincing every one with perfect +completeness of her entire innocence of anything but a too potent +attraction. + +"Ce n'est donc même pas une amitié? C'est Alex qui vous recherche malgré +vous!" exclaimed the class-mistress. + +Under this aspect the question soon presented itself alike to the +_pensionnat_ and its authorities, rendering Alex ridiculous. In a system +of _surveillance_ which admitted of no loophole for open defiance or +outspoken rebuke, Alex' evasions of that law of detachment which is the +primary one in convent legislation, became the mark of every +blue-ribboned _enfant de Marie_ who wished to obtain a reputation for +zeal by reporting the defection of a companion to her class-mistress. + +It was always Alex who was reported. Queenie never sought opportunities +to snatch a hurried colloquy during recreation, or manoeuvred to obtain +Alex as companion at _la ronde_, or when they played games in the +garden. She never infringed one of the strictest rules of the +establishment, by giving presents unpermitted, or purchasing forbidden +sweets and chocolate to be given away at the afternoon _goûter_. + +Queenie accepted the presents, wrote tiny notes to Alex and skilfully +gave them to her unperceived, and cut Alex to the heart by telling her +sometimes that she made it very hard for one to try and be good and keep +all the rules and perhaps get one's blue ribbon next term. + +These speeches were to Queenie's credit, and made Alex cry and worship +her more admiringly than ever, but they did not tend to lower the +transparent, doglike devotion with which Alex would gaze at Queenie's +bent profile in the chapel, utterly unconscious of the scandal which her +manifest idolatry was creating for the severe nun in the carved stall +opposite. She was scolded, placed under strict observation, and every +obstacle placed in the way of her exchanging any word with Queenie, +until she grew to see herself as a martyr to an affection which every +fresh prohibition increased almost to frenzy. + +One day she was made the victim of a form of rebuke much dreaded by the +_pensionnaires_. A monthly convocation of the school and mistresses, +officially known as _la réclame du mois_, and nicknamed by the children +"the Last Judgment," was held in the _Grande Salle_ downstairs, with the +Superior making her state entry after the children had been decorously +seated in rows at the end of the long room, and all the other nuns who +had anything to do with the school had placed themselves gravely and +with folded hands against the walls. + +They all stood when the Superior came in, followed by the First +Mistress, carrying a sheaf of notes and a great book, which each pupil +firmly believed to be devoted principally to the record of her own +progress through the school. + +Then the Superior, with inclined head and low, distinct voice, spoke a +few words of prayer, and settled herself in the large chair behind which +the nuns clustered in orderly rows. + +The children sat down at the signal given, and listened, at first with +smiles as the record of the baby class were read aloud and each mite +stood up in her place for all the universe to gaze at her, while the +analysis of her month's work, mental and moral, sounded with appalling +distinctness through the silence. + +"Bébée de Lalonde! première en catéchisme, première en géographie ... +calcul, beaucoup mieux ... elle y met beaucoup de bonne volonté!" + +"A la bonne heure!" + +The Superior is smiling, every one is smiling, Bébée de Lalonde, her +brown curls bobbing over her face, is pink with gratification. Her young +class-mistress leans forward, the white veil of novice falling over her +black habit. + +"Ma Mère Supérieure, pour le mois de S. Joseph, elle se corrige de cette +vilaine habitude de mordre ses ongles. Elle a fait de vrais efforts...." + +"C'est bien. Faites voir.... Venez, ma petite." + +Up the long room marches Bébée, two freshly washed tiny pink hands +thrust out proudly for the Superior's inspection. + +"Très bien, très bien. Vous ferez bien attention au pouce droit, n'est +pas?" + +The Superior is quite grave, however, every one laughs, and then the +serious part of the proceedings begins. + +The very little ones are not nervous. Most of them are good, even the +naughty ones only get a very gentle homily from the Superior. Then their +class-mistress claps her hands smartly and they get up and file out of +the room, it not being considered politic to let _les petites_ hear the +record of that pen of black sheep, _les moyennes_. + +The indictments become more serious. Marie Thérèse, twice impertinent to +a mistress, taking no trouble over her lessons, worst of all, taking no +trouble to cure that trick of which we have complained so often--sitting +with her knees crossed. + +"Even in the chapel, Ma Mère Supérieure." + +This is very bad! It is unladylike, it is against all rules, it is +extremely immodest.... And what an example! + +Marie Thérèse, says the Superior decisively, can abandon all hope of +obtaining the green ribbon of an _aspirante enfant de Marie_ until she +has reformed her ways. The mention of a première in literature gains no +approving smile from any one and Marie Thérèse sits down in tears. + +Gabrielle, Marthe, Sadie--all through the three classes of the _moyenne_ +division of the school, with very few stainless reports and two or three +disastrous ones. + +Then _les grandes_. The first of these, in the lowest section, is a name +to which the reader, a French woman, always takes exception. She finally +compresses her lips and renders it as: "Kevinnie!" + +Queenie is always cool and unmoved as she stands up, and Alex always +looks at her. At this particular _séance_, the April one, she took her +glances more or less surreptitiously, miserably aware that she had not +enough self-control to refrain from them and so avoid risking a rebuke +later on. + +Queenie held no première. She was always last in her form, +undistinguished at music, drawing, needlework, anything requiring +application or talent alike. But her perfectly serene complacency was +more or less justified by the exaggerated applause of her companions at +her faultless "conduct" marks and the assurance of her class-mistress, +always given readily, that she was "très docile, très appliquée." + +Queenie's popularity was independent of anything extraneous to herself. + +The Superior leant forward and asked a question in a low voice. + +"Non, ma Mère Supérieure, non." + +The denial of a possible accusation, of which Alex guessed the purport, +was emphatic. She felt glad and relieved, but had no suspicions as to +the indictment following on her own name. + +"Alexandra Clare," said Mère Alphonsine sonorously, and Alex stood up. + +She no longer felt self-conscious over the ordeal, and was indifferent +to the habitual litany of complaints as to her unlearnt lessons, +disregard of the rule of silence, and frequent bad marks for disorder +and unpunctuality. But to the accusations which she knew by heart, and +shared with the majority of the _moyenne classe_, came a quite +unexpected addition, hissed out with a sort of dramatic horror by Mère +Alphonsine: + +"Alex recherche Kevinnie sans cesse, ma Mère Supérieure." + +Only those familiar with the code of _pensionnaire_ discipline in +Belgium during the years when Alex Clare and her contemporaries were at +school, can gauge the full heinousness of the offence, gravest in the +conventual decalogue. + +Even Alex, although she had been scolded and punished and made the +subject of innumerable homilies, some of them pityingly reproachful, and +others explanatorily so, on the same question, felt as though she had +never before realized the extent of her own perversion. + +She stood up, her hands in the regulation position, pushed under the +hideous black-stuff pèlerine that fell from her stiff, hard, white +collar to the shapeless waistband of her skirt, the whole uniform +carefully designed to conceal and obscure the lines of the figure +beneath it. + +Overwhelmed with uncomprehending misery and acute shame, she heard two +or three of the mistresses add each her quota, for the most part +regretfully and with an evident sense of duty overcoming reluctance, to +the evidence against her. + +"She seeks opportunity to place herself next to Queenie at almost every +recreation, ma Mère Supérieure." + +"I am afraid that even in the chapel she lets this folly get the better +of her--one can see how she lets herself go to distractions all the +time...." + +So the charges went on. + +The summing up of Ma Mère Supérieure was icily condemnatory. She had +tried every means with Alex, had spoken to her with kindness and +tenderness; in private, had reasoned with her and finally threatened +her, and now a public denouncement must be tried, since all these means +had proved to be without effect. + +Alex was principally conscious of the single, lightning-swift flash of +reproach that had shot from the eyes of Queenie Torrance into hers. + +How silently and viciously Queenie would resent this public coupling of +her immaculate reputation with Alex' idiotic infatuation, only Alex +knew. + +With the frantic finality of youth, she wondered whether she could go on +living. Oh, if only she might die at once, without hearing further blame +or reproach, without encountering the ridicule of her companions or the +cold withdrawal of Queenie's precariously-held friendship. Alex cried +herself sick with terror and shame and utterly ineffectual remorse. + +The despair that invades an undeveloped being is the blackest in the +world, because of its utter want of perspective. + +Alex could see nothing beyond the present. She felt all the weight of an +inexpressible guilt upon her, and all the utter isolation of spirit +which surrounds the sinner who stands exposed and condemned. + +She knew that nobody would take her part. She was young enough to +reflect forlornly that an accusation mattered nothing if unjust, since +the consciousness of innocence would sustain one, serene and +unfaltering, through any ordeal. + +But she had no consciousness of innocence. She saw herself eternally +different from her companions, eternally destined to lose her way, +wickedly and shamefully she supposed, without volition of her own she +knew, amongst those standards to which the right thinking conformed, and +which she, only, failed to recognize. With sick wistfulness Alex sought +Queenie's glance as they came one by one into the refectory, after the +_réclame_ was over. + +Queenie's fair, opaque face was as colourless as ever, her eyes were +cast down. + +Frantically, Alex willed her to cast one look of pity or forgiveness in +her direction, but Queenie passed on to the refectory where the +children's mid-day meal was waiting for them without a sign. + +Amidst all the blur of emotions, passionate remorse and hopeless +loneliness, which made up Alex' schooldays, that Saturday mid-day meal +stood out in its black despair. + +The choking attempts to swallow a mass of vegetable cooking, made salt +and sodden with her own streaming tears, the sobs that strangled her and +broke in spite of all her efforts into the decorous silence of the +refectory, even the awed and scandalized glances that the younger +children cast at her distorted face, remained saliently before her +memory for years. + +At last the nun in charge rose from her place at the end of the room and +came down and told Alex that she might leave the table. The long +progress down the endless length of the refectory destroyed the last +remnants of Alex' self-control. + +The tide of emotional agony that swept over her was to ebb and flow +again, and many times again. + +But only once or twice was that high-water mark to be reached, that +bitter wave to engulf her, and each time add to the undermining of that +small stability of spirit with which Alex had been endowed. + +She left the misery of that black Saturday behind her, and was left with +her childish nerves a little shattered, her childish confidence of +outlook rather more overshadowed, her childish strength less steady, +and, above all, set fast in her childish mind the ineradicable, +unexplained conviction that because she had loved Queenie Torrance and +had been punished and rebuked for it, therefore to love was wrong. + + + + +III + +Queenie Torrance + + +School days in Belgium went on, through the steamy, rain-sodden days of +spring to the end of term and the _grandes vacances_ looked forward to +with such frantic eagerness even by the children who liked the convent +best. Alex was again bitterly conscious of an utter want of conformity +setting her apart from her fellow-creatures. + +The misery of parting for eight weeks from Queenie Torrance overwhelmed +her. Casually, Queenie said: + +"I may not come back, next term. I shall be seventeen by then, and I +don't see why I should be at school any longer if I can get round +father." + +"What would you do?" + +"Why, come out, of course," said Queenie. "I am quite old enough, and +every one says I look older than I am." + +She moved her head about slightly so as to get sidelong views of her own +reflection in the big window-pane. There were no looking-glasses at the +convent. + +It was true that, in spite of a skin smooth and unlined as a baby's and +the childish, semicircular comb that gathered back the short flaxen +ringlets from her rounded, innocent brow, Queenie's slender, but very +well-developed figure and the unvarying opaque pallor of her complexion, +made her look infinitely nearer maturity than the slim, long-legged +American girls, or over-plump, giggling French and Belgian ones. Alex +gazed at her with mute, exaggerated despair on her face. + +"Your parents will permit that you make your début at once, yes?" +queried Marthe Poupard, as one resigned to the incredible folly and +weakness of British and American parents. + +"I can manage my father," said Queenie gently, and with the perfect +conviction of experience in her voice. + +As the day of the breaking-up drew nearer, discipline insensibly +relaxed, and Queenie suddenly became less averse from responding in some +degree to Alex' wistful advances. + +On the last day, one of broiling heat, the two spent the afternoon alone +together unrebuked, in a corner of the great _verger_ where the pupils +were scattered in groups, feeling as though the holidays had already +begun. + +"I shall have the journey with you," said Alex, piteously. + +"Madame Hippolyte is taking us over, with one of the lay-sisters," said +Queenie, naming the most vigilant of the older French nuns. "So it will +be much better if we don't talk together on the boat. You know there +will be the three Munroe girls as well, because they are going to spend +their holidays in Devonshire or somewhere." + +"How do you know it will be Madame Hippolyte?" said Alex disconsolately. + +The authority deputed to conduct pupils on the journey to and from Liège +was one of the many items in the convent curriculum always shrouded in +impenetrable mystery until the actual moment of departure. + +"I overheard two of them talking about it, in the linen-room this +morning," placidly said Queenie. "I kept behind the door." + +Part of her curious attractiveness was, that she never attempted to +disguise or deny certain practices which Alex had been taught to +consider as dishonourable. + +Alex counted this as but one more stone in the edifice erected for the +worship of her idol. It was not until she saw Queenie Torrance long +after, in other relations and other surroundings, that she dimly +realized how much of that streak of extraordinary candour was the direct +product of a magnificently justified self-confidence in the potency of +her own attraction, needing no enhancement from moral or mental +attributes. + +"Do you always live in London, Alex?" + +"Yes, in Clevedon Square. You know, I told you about it, Queenie." + +"Yes, I know, but I only wondered if perhaps you had a house in the +country as well." + +"No. Father and mother go to Scotland in the summer, and generally they +send us to the seaside with Nurse and a governess or some one." + +"I see," said Queenie reflectively. She had wondered if perhaps the +Clares had a country house to which she, as a favourite school friend, +would be asked to stay. + +"Father hates the country," said Alex. "We are sure to be in London for +a little while in September, before I come back here. Would you--would +you--" She gulped and clasped her hands nervously. Certain of Lady +Isabel's rules and recommendations rushed to her mind, but she +desperately tried to ignore them. + +"I suppose you would not come to tea with me one day, if I were allowed +to ask you? Oh, if _only_ your mother knew my mother!" + +Smoothly Queenie took her cue. "Of course, mother won't let me go to tea +with any one--unless she knows them herself--but I don't know.... What +Club does your father belong to?" + +"Two or three, I think," said Alex, surprised. "He often goes to +Arthur's or the Turf Club." + +"So does father. Perhaps we could manage it that way," said Queenie +reflectively. + +She had every intention of cultivating her friendship with Alex Clare in +London. + +"Then you'd like to come, Queenie?" breathed Alex ecstaticly. + +"Of course, I would," Queenie told her affectionately. "My dear, you +know I have hated all the fuss here, and our never being allowed to +speak a word to one another. But what could I do?" She shrugged her +shoulders. + +Then Queenie had really cared all the time! + +Alex in that moment was compensated for all the tears and storms and +disgraces of the year. That afternoon spent under the thick, leafy +boughs of the old apple-trees with Queenie, enabled Alex to face with +some degree of courage the prospect of their approaching separation. She +knew that any sign of unhappiness for such a reason would be imputed to +her as wrong-doing by the authorities, and as unnatural and heartless +indifference to home on the part of her companions. + +So Alex, who had no trust in any standards of her own, was ashamed of +the tears which she nightly stifled in her hard pillow, and felt them to +be one more of those degrading weaknesses with which her Creator had +malignantly endowed her in order that she might be as a pariah among her +fellows. + +She felt no resentment, only blind wonder and fatalistic apathy. +Nevertheless, all through Alex' childhood and early girlhood, unhappy +though she was, there dwelt within her a curious certainty that, +somewhere, happiness awaited her, which she, and she alone, would have +full capacity to appreciate. + +Side by side with that, was her intense capacity for suffering, but that +she was learning to think of as only a cruel, tearing affliction +despised alike by God and man. + +Of the immense force latent in the power of intense feeling Alex knew +nothing, nor did any of the teaching which she received vouchsafe to her +any illumination. + +She and Queenie and the three Munroe girls made the journey to England +with Madame Hippolyte, who showed Alex a marked kindness not usual with +her. + +At fifteen, wakeful nights and storms of crying leave their traces, and +Alex, pale-faced and with encircled eyes, was pitiful in her +propitiatory attempts to join in the eager anticipations of holiday +enjoyment exchanged between her companions. + +Perhaps, thought the French nun, the little black sheep had not a very +happy home. A bad report would follow Alex to England she well knew, and +it might be that the poor child was dreading its results. + +Her manner to Alex grew gentle and compassionate, and Alex noticed it +with a relieved, uncomprehending gratitude that held something abject in +its surprised, almost incredulous acceptance of any kindness. + +Madame Hippolyte, though she sternly rebuked herself for the +uncharitable impulse, felt a certain contempt of the way in which her +advances were received. + +She knew nothing of the self-assertive, arrogant manner that would +presently revive, in the childish sense of security in home +surroundings, and would yet be merely another manifestation of the +unbalanced complexity that was Alex Clare. + +But as the crossing came to an end and they found themselves in the +train speeding towards London, Alex was silent, her small face white and +her eyes tragical. + +The American girls made delighted use of the strip of looking-glass in +the carriage, and exchanged predictions as to the pleased amazement that +would be caused by Sadie's growth, the length of Marie's plait of red +hair, and Diana's added inches of skirt. + +Queenie Torrance only glanced at her reflection once or twice, though an +acute observer might have seen that she was not indifferent to the +advantage of facing a looking-glass, after the many weeks in which none +had been available. But she was merely completely serene in the +immutability of her own attractiveness. Queenie did not need to depend +upon her looks, which seldom or never varied from soft, colourless +opacity and opulence of contour. The pale, heavy rings of her fair hair +always fell back in the same way from her open, rounded forehead, her +well-modelled hands, with fingers broad at the base, and pointed, +gleaming nails were always cool and white. + +The Americans were all three pretty girls, and something of race that +showed in Alex' bearing and gestures made her remarkable amongst any +assembly of children, but it was at Queenie that every man who passed +the little group in the railway carriage glanced a second time. + +Good Madame Hippolyte, as serenely unaware of this as only a woman whose +life had been passed in a religious Order could be, regarded Queenie as +by far the least of the responsibilities on her hands, and did not +conceal her satisfaction when Marie and Sadie and Diana were immediately +claimed at the terminus by a group of excited, noisy cousins, and +hurried away to an enormous waiting carriage-and-pair. + +"Et vous?" she demanded, turning to the other two. + +"Dad'll come for me," said Queenie confidently, inadvertently uttering a +nickname that would not have been permitted to the Clare children, and +was, in fact, never in those days heard in the class of society to which +they belonged. + +Queenie shot an imperceptible glance of confusion at Alex, who was +clinging speechlessly to her hand. + +Next moment she had recovered herself. + +"There's my father!" she cried. + +Colonel Torrance was making his way rapidly towards them, a tall, +soldierly-looking man, a trifle too conspicuously well groomed, a trifle +too upright in his bearing, a trifle too remarkable altogether, with +very black moustache and eyebrows and very white hair. + +He raised his tall white hat with its black band, at the sight of his +daughter, expanded his white waistcoat and grey frock-coat with the +_malmaison_ buttonhole yet further, and whipped off his pale grey glove +to take the limp hand extended to him by Alex, as Queenie +self-possessedly introduced her. + +Alex hardly heard Colonel Torrance's elaborately courteous allusion to +Sir Francis Clare, whom he had had the pleasure of seeing several times +at the Club, but she wondered eagerly if that introduction would be +considered sufficient to allow of her inviting Queenie to Clevedon +Square. + +She felt as though her spirit were being torn from her body when Queenie +said, "Good-bye, Alex, dear. Mind you write. _Au revoir, ma mère_." + +Compliments were exchanged between Madame Hippolyte and Queenie's +father, the gentleman flourished his top hat again, and then said to his +daughter: + +"My dear, I have a hansom waiting; the impudent fellow says his horse +won't stand. I trust you have no large amount of luggage." + +Queenie shook her head, smiling slightly, and in a moment, the brevity +of which seemed incredible to Alex and left her with an instant's +absolute suspension of physical faculties, they disappeared among the +crowd. + +Madame Hippolyte grasped the arm of her distraught-looking pupil. + +"But rouse yourself, Alex!" she said vigorously. "Who is to come for +you?" + +"The carriage," muttered Alex automatically, well aware that neither +would Lady Isabel sacrifice an hour of her afternoon to waiting at a +crowded London station in July, nor old Nurse permit the other children +to do so, had they wished it. + +"And where is it, this carriage?" sceptically demanded Madame Hippolyte, +harassed and exhausted, and aware that she had yet to find a +four-wheeled cab of sufficiently cleanly and sober appearance to satisfy +her, in which she might proceed herself to the convent branch-house in +the east of London. But presently Alex came partially out of her dream +and pointed out the brougham and bay horse and the footman in buff +livery at the door. + +"But you will not drive alone--in this _quartier_?" cried the nun, in +horrified protest at this exhibition of English want of propriety. + +Her fears proved groundless. + +The neat, black-bonneted head of a maid appeared at the brougham window, +and with a sigh of infinite relief Madame Hippolyte bade farewell to the +last and most anxiously regarded of her charges. + +"How you've grown, Miss Alex!" cried the maid, but her tone was scarcely +one of admiration, as she gazed at the stooping shoulders and pale, +travel-stained face under the ugly sailor hat of dark blue straw. "We +shall have to make you look like yourself, with some of your own +clothes, before your mamma sees you," she added kindly. + +Alex scarcely answered, and sat squeezing her hands together. + +She knew she must come out of this dream of misery that seemed to +envelop her, and which was so naughty and undutiful. Of course it was +unnatural not to be glad to come home again, and it wasn't as though she +had been so very happy at Liège. + +It was only Queenie. + +No one must know, or she would certainly be blamed and ridiculed for her +foolish and headlong fancy. + +Alex wondered dimly why she was so constituted as to differ from every +one else. + +The cab turned into Clevedon Square. Alex looked out of the window. + +The big square bore already the look of desertion most associated in her +mind with summer in London. Shutters and blinds obscured the windows of +the first and second floors of many houses, and against one of the +corner houses a ladder was propped and an unwontedly dazzling +cream-colour proclaimed fresh paint. + +Some of the houses showed striped sun-blinds, and window-boxes of +scarlet geraniums. Alex saw that there were flowers in their own balcony +as well as an awning. + +When the carriage drew up at the front door, she jumped out and replied +hastily to the man-servant's respectful greeting, a slight feeling of +excitement possessing her for the first time at the prospect of seeing +Barbara, and impressing her with her added inches of height. + +She ran quickly up the stairs, hoping that Lady Isabel would not chance +to come out of the drawing-room as she went past. On the second landing, +safely past the double door of the drawing-room, she paused a moment to +take breath, and heard a subdued call from overhead. + +Barbara was hanging over the banisters with Archie. + +"Hallo, Alex!" + +Alex went up to the schoolroom landing, and she and Barbara looked +curiously at one another, before exchanging a perfunctory kiss. + +Alex suddenly felt grubby and rather shabby in her old last year's serge +frock, which had been considered good enough for the journey, when she +saw Barbara in her clean white muslin, with a very pale blue sash, and +her hair tied up with a big pale blue bow. + +Barbara's hair had grown, which annoyed Alex. It fell into one long, +pale curl down her back, and no longer provoked a contrast with Alex' +superior length of shining wave. Deprived of the supervision of Nurse, +with her iron insistence on "fifty strokes of the brush every night, and +Rowland's Macassor on Saturdays," Alex' hair had somehow lost its shine, +and hung limply in a tangled, uneven pigtail. + +Alex thought that Barbara eyed her in a rather superior way. + +She felt much more enthusiastic in greeting little Archie. He was +prettier and pinker and more engaging than ever, and Alex felt glad that +he had not yet been sent to school, to have his fair curls cropped, and +his little velvet suit exchanged for cricketing flannels. + +He pulled Alex into the schoolroom, with the enthusiasm for a new face +characteristic of a child to whom shyness is unknown, and Alex received +the curt, all-observant greeting which she had learnt to know would +always await her from old Nurse. + +"So you are back from your foreign parts, are you, Miss Alex?" + +Nurse always said "Miss Alex" when addressing her returned charge at +first, and as invariably relapsed into her old peremptory form of +address before the end of the evening. + +"My sakes, child, what have they been doing to you? You look like a +scarecrow." + +"Has she grown?" asked Barbara jealously. She knew that grown-up people +were always, for some mysterious reason, pleased when one had "grown." + +"Grown! Yes, and got her back bent like a bow," said Nurse vigorously. +"An hour on the backboard's what you'll do every day, and bed at seven +o'clock tonight. Have they been giving you enough to eat?" + +"Of course," said Alex, tossing her head. + +She did not like the convent when she was there, but a contradictory +instinct always made her when at home uphold it violently, as a +privileged spot to which she alone had access. + +"You look half-starved, to me," Nurse said unbelievingly. + +Nothing would ever have persuaded her of what was, in fact, the truth, +that Alex received more abundant, more wholesome, and infinitely better +cooked food in Belgium than in London. + +Barbara sat on the end of the sofa, swinging her legs and fidgetting +with the tassel of the blind-cord. + +"Have you brought back any prizes, Alex?" she enquired negligently. + +And Alex replied with an equal air of indifference: + +"One for composition, and I've got a certificate of proficiency for +music." + +This was not at all the way in which she had planned to make her +announcements. She had thought that her prizes would impress Barbara +very much, and she had foreseen a sort of small ceremony of display when +she would bring out the big red-and-gilt book. But Barbara only nodded, +and presently said: + +"Cedric has got quantities of prizes: the headmaster wrote and told +father that he was a 'boy of marked abilities and remarkable power of +concentration,' and father is going to give him a whole sovereign, but +that's because he made his century." + +"When will he be here?" + +"Next week. His holidays begin on Tuesday and he's got a whole fortnight +longer than we have." + +"We?" asked Alex coldly. "How can _you_ have holidays? You're not at +school." + +"I have lessons," cried Barbara angrily. "You know I have, and +Ma'moiselle is going to give me a prize for writing, and a prize for +history, and a prize for application. So there!" + +"Prizes!" said Alex scornfully. "When you're all by yourself! I never +heard such nonsense." + +She no longer felt wretched and subdued, but full of irritation at +Barbara's conceit and absorption in herself. + +"It's not nonsense!" + +"It is. If you'd been at school you'd know it was." + +"One word more of this and you'll go to bed, the pair of you," declared +old Nurse, the autocrat whom Alex had for the moment forgotten. "It's +argle-bargle the minute you set foot in the place, Miss Alex. Now you +just come along and be made fit to be seen before your poor mamma and +papa set eyes on you looking like a charity-school child, as hasn't seen +a brush or a bit of soap for a month of Sundays." + +Useless to protest even at this trenchant description of herself. +Useless to attempt resistance during the long process of undressing, +dressing again, brushing and combing, inspection of finger-nails and +general, dissatisfied scrutiny that ensued. Alex, in a stiff, clean +frock, the counterpart, to her secret vexation, of Barbara's, open-work +stockings, and new shoes that hurt her feet, was enjoined "to hold back +her shoulders and not poke" and dispatched to the drawing-room with +Barbara and Archie as soon as the schoolroom tea was over. + +She felt as though she had never been away. + +No one had asked her anything about the convent, and all through tea +Barbara and Archie had talked about the coming holidays, or had made +allusions to events of which Alex knew nothing, but which had evidently +been absorbing their attention for the last few weeks. + +They seemed to Alex futile in the extreme. + +Downstairs, Lady Isabel kissed her, and said, "Well, my darling, I'm +very glad to have you at home again. Have you been a good girl this +term, and brought back a report that will please papa?" and then had +turned to speak to some one without waiting for an answer. + +Alex sat beside her mother while she talked to the one remaining +visitor, and felt discontented and awkward. + +Barbara and Archie were looking at pictures together in the corner of +the room, very quiet and well behaved. The caller stayed late, and just +as she had gone Sir Francis came in from his Club, the faint, familiar +smell of tobacco, and Russia leather, and expensive eau-de-Cologne that +seemed to pervade him, striking Alex with a fresh sense of recognition +as she rose to receive his kiss. He greeted her very kindly, but Alex +was quite aware of a dissatisfaction as intense as, though less +outspoken than, that of old Nurse as he put up his double eye-glasses +and gazed at his eldest daughter. + +"We must see if the country or the seaside will bring back some roses to +your cheeks," he said in characteristic phraseology. + +But when the children were dismissed from the drawing-room, Sir Francis +straightened his own broad back, and tapped Alex' rounded +shoulder-blades. + +"Hold yourself up, my child," he said very decidedly. "I want to see a +nice flat, and straight back." + +He made no other criticism, and none was needed. + +Alex had gauged the extent of his dismay. + + + + +IV + +Holidays + + +"Mother, may I ask Queenie Torrance to tea?" + +Alex had rehearsed the words so often to herself that they had almost +become meaningless. + +Her heart beat thickly with the anticipation of a refusal, when at last +she found courage and opportunity to utter the little stilted phrase, +with a tongue that felt dry and in a voice that broke nervously in her +throat. + +"What do you say, darling?" absently inquired Lady Isabel; and Alex had +to say it again. + +"Queenie Torrance?" said Lady Isabel, still vaguely. + +"Mother, you remember--I told you about her. She is the only other +English girl besides me at the convent, and she knows all about father +and you and everything, and her father belongs to the same Club--" + +Snobbishness was not in Alex' composition, but she adopted her mother's +standards eagerly and instinctively, in the hope of gaining her point. + +"But, my darling, what are you talkin' about? You know mother doesn't +let you have little girls here unless she knows somethin' about them. +Give me the little diamond brooch, Alex; the one in the silver box +there." + +Lady Isabel, absorbed in the completion of her evening toilette, +remained unconscious of the havoc she had wrought. Alex felt rather +sick. + +The intensity of feeling to which she was a victim, for the most part +reacted on her physically, though she was as unconscious of this as was +her mother. + +But with the cunning borne of urgent desire, Alex knew that persistence, +which with Sir Francis would invariably win a courteous rebuke and an +immutable refusal, could sometimes bring forth rather querulous +concession from Lady Isabel's weakness. + +"But, mummy, darling, I do want Queenie to come here and see Barbara and +Cedric." + +It was not true, but Alex was using the arguments which she felt would +be most likely to appeal to her mother. + +"She wants to know them so much, and--and I saw her father at the +station when we arrived, and he was very polite." + +"Who was with you? I don't like your speakin' like that to people whom +father and I don't know." + +"Oh, it was only a second," said Alex hastily. "Madame Hippolyte was +there, and Colonel Torrance just came up to take Queenie away." + +"Torrance--Torrance?" said Lady Isabel reflectively. "Who's Torrance?" + +The question made Alex' heart sink afresh. It was one which, coming from +her parents, she heard applied to new acquaintances, or occasionally to +protégés for whom some intimate friends might crave the favour of an +invitation to one of the big Clare "crushes" during the season, and the +inquiry was seldom one which boded well for the regard in which the +newcomer would be held. + +"Mother, you'd like her, I think, really and truly you would. She's +awfully pretty." + +"Alex!" + +Lady Isabel for once sounded really angry. + +"I'm so sorry; it slipped out--I didn't mean it--I never really say it. +I never _do_, mother." + +Alex became agitated, trying to fend off the accusation which she +foresaw was coming. + +"I suppose you learn those horrid slang words from this girl you've +taken such a violent fancy to." + +"No, no." + +"Well, darling, both father and I are very much disgusted with some of +the tricks you've picked up at the convent, and you'll have to find some +way of curin' yourself before you put up your hair and come out. As for +the way you're holdin' yourself, I'm simply shocked at it, and so is +your father; I shall see about sendin' you to MacPherson's gymnasium for +proper exercises as soon as you get back from the country." + +Lady Isabel gazed with dissatisfaction at her daughter. + +"You mustn't be a disappointment to us, darling," she said. "You know +you'll be coming out in another two years' time, and it's so +important--" + +She broke off, eyeing Alex anxiously. Already she had forgotten the +question of the invitation to Queenie Torrance. Alex, in an agony, +rushed recklessly at her point. + +"But, mother, you haven't said yet--may I ask Queenie on Saturday? You +know we shan't be here after Saturday. May I?" + +Lady Isabel moved to the door with more annoyance than she often +displayed. + +"My dear child, you're old enough to know that these things aren't done, +and besides, I've already said no. Father and I dislike these sudden, +violent friendships, in any case. Run along upstairs, my darling, and if +you and Barbara want a little tea-party on Saturday, you may ask those +nice Fitzgerald children. Tell Nurse that I said you might." + +Lady Isabel kissed Alex, and went downstairs, the trailing folds of her +evening dress carefully held up in one hand as she descended the broad, +curving stairs. + +From the upper landing Alex watched her for a few moments, her face +burning with mortification and the effort to restrain her tears. Then +she broke into sobs and ran away upstairs. + +Mother had not understood in the very least. She never understood, never +would understand. + +No one understood. + +Alex felt, as so often, that she would barter everything she possessed +for the finding of some one who would understand. + +In her craving for self-expression, she talked to Barbara about Queenie +Torrance, but represented their intercourse as that of an equal +friendship, with unbounded affection and confidence on both sides. + +Barbara listened believingly enough, and even exhibited signs of a faint +jealousy, and gradually Alex' inventions brought her a slight feeling of +comfort, as though the ideal friendship which she so readily described +to her little sister must have some real existence. + +The old sense of supremacy began to assert itself again, and Barbara +fell into the old ways of following Alex' lead in everything. She lost +her shrinking convent manner, born of the sense of helpless insecurity, +and when Cedric's return brought Barbara back to her earliest +allegiance--the league which she and Cedric had always formed against +Alex' overbearing ways in the nursery--her defection was resented by her +sister with no lack of spirit. + +"Idiotic little copy-cat! Just because Cedric's come, you pretend you +only care for cricket and nonsense like that, as though he wanted to +play cricket with a little girl like you." + +"He doesn't mind playing cricket with me; he says I can bowl very well +for a girl, and it gives him practice. Anyway," said Barbara shrewdly, +"he likes talking about it, and how am I to be his pal unless I +understand what he means?" + +"You're not to say that horrid, vulgar word. You know mother would be +very angry." + +"I shall say what I like. It's not your business. You're a prig, ever +since you went to that hateful convent!" + +"You're not to speak to me like that, you're not!" shouted Alex, +stamping her foot. + +The dispute degenerated into one of the furious quarrels of their +nursery days, and Alex, completely mastered by her temper, flew at +Barbara, as she had not done since they were seven and ten years old +respectively, and hit her and pulled her long curl viciously. + +Barbara stood stock-still on the instant. She had infinitely more +self-control than Alex, and a strong instinct for being invariably in +the right. + +But she uttered shriek upon piercing shriek that brought old Nurse, +heavy-footed but astonishingly swift, upon the scene, and reduced Alex +to dire disgrace for the rest of the day. + +She cried again, suffering remorse and shame that seemed almost +unbearable, and told herself hopelessly that she could never be good +anywhere. + +"Such an example to your little sister, who's never given me a moment's +trouble all the while you've been away," Nurse declared, at the end of a +long monologue during which Alex learnt and implicitly believed that a +temper like hers, unbridled at the age of fifteen, must have irrevocably +passed beyond one's own control into that of the Devil himself. + +"When you remember," Nurse wound up, "how you nearly killed her with +your naughty ways and had her on her back for a year, and she with never +a word of complaint against you, poor lamb, one would think you'd want +to make it up to her, instead of hitting one as never even hits you +back. But you've no heart, Alex, as I've always said and always shall +say about you." + +Heart or no heart, old Nurse thoroughly succeeded in working upon Alex' +feelings, and in sobbing abjection she begged Barbara's forgiveness. + +Barbara, agreeably conscious of martyrdom, found it easy to grant, with +a gentleness that redoubled Alex' shame, and the incident, except for +Alex' swollen eyes and subdued tones next day, was closed. Cedric, +characteristically, remained oblivious of it throughout. + +He had grown into a good-looking boy, not tall for his eleven years, but +sturdy and well set up, with steady, straight-gazing eyes behind the +spectacles that his short sight still necessitated, to the grief of Lady +Isabel. His mind was obsessed by cricket, and from his conversation one +might have deduced that no other occupation had filled the summer term. +Nevertheless, he brought home a large pile of prizes, and a report that +caused Sir Francis to smile his excessively rare smile and utter two +words that Cedric never forgot, and never mentioned to any one else: +"Well done." + +Two days after Cedric's return, Sir Francis and Lady Isabel went away +for their annual round of country visits, and old Nurse, with the new, +young nurse who devoted her services exclusively to Pamela, and a +nursery-maid to wait upon them, went with the children to stay at +Fiveapples Farm in Devonshire. + +The farm was glorious. + +The girls might run about the hay-fields and in the lanes, though Nurse, +mindful of Lady Isabel's injunction as to complexion and the danger of +freckles, always insisted on hats and gloves; and Cedric, followed +everywhere like a little shadow by Archie, rode the farm horses and even +went into Exeter to market with Farmer Young on Fridays. + +Alex insensibly began to cease her preoccupied outlook for letters from +Queenie, and the convent life began to relax its hold on her memory and +imagination, as older influences resumed their sway. + +Correspondence with Queenie had never been satisfactory. + +Although not forbidden, Alex knew that it was considered a foolish and +undesirable practice, and that her letters, although, as a matter of +fact, generally given to her unopened, were always liable to supervision +by the authorities as a matter of course. + +Old Nurse might be unable to read, although no one had ever heard her +admit as much, but she always slit open any letter that came for Alex or +Barbara and made a feint of perusing it; unless the envelope, as rarely +happened, bore Lady Isabel's superscription. + +"In the absence of your mamma," said old Nurse severely, and she never +failed to refuse unhesitatingly any request from Alex to be allowed to +go to the post office for the purpose of buying stamps. + +Queenie had only written twice. The second letter reached Alex at +Fiveapples Farm, when she had nearly given up hope for it. + + "DEAR ALEX, + + "Thank you very much for your letters. It is nice of you to write + to me so often. Please forgive me for not writing oftener to you, + but I haven't got much time. It's so hot in London now. You are + very lucky to be in the country. I think we shall go soon, but I + don't know yet where we shall go. + + "Do you know that you are quite near where the Munroes are staying? + Diana wrote to me the other day. Perhaps you will see them. Please + give them my love. Do you remember how funny Diana was at her + singing lessons? I often think of the convent, don't you? Now I + must end, Alex, with fond love from your affectionate school + friend, + + "QUEENIE. + + "P.S. I am not going back next term. I am very glad, except for not + seeing you. I hope we shall see each other in London." + +Alex read and re-read the postscript, and tried not to think that the +rest of the letter was disappointing. + +"Your great friend doesn't write you nearly such long letters as you +write her," observed Barbara, eyeing the four small sheets which +Queenie's unformed, curiously immature-looking writing had barely +succeeded in covering. + +"She hasn't got time," said Alex quickly and defensively. + +"More like she's got a sensible governess who doesn't let her waste good +pen and paper on such rubbish," old Nurse severely pointed the moral. + +"What do girls want to write to one another for?" said Cedric. "They +can't Have anything to say." + +Barbara, who was secretly curious, seized the opportunity. + +"What does she write about, Alex?" + +Alex would have liked to tell them to mind their own business, but she +knew that any accusation of making mysteries would bring down Nurse's +wrath upon her, and as likely as not the confiscation of the letter. + +She read it aloud hastily, with a pretence of skipping here and there, +leaving out the "dear Alex" at the beginning, and the whole of the last +sentence and the postscript. + +"I suppose you've left out all the darlings and the loves and kisses," +Cedric remarked scornfully, more from conventionality than anything +else. + +Alex was not averse to having it supposed that Queenie had been more +lavish with endearments than she had in reality shown herself. + +"Who are the Munroes?" asked Barbara. "Are they nice?" + +"The American girls who crossed from Liège with me. I remember now, they +were going to spend their holidays with an aunt somewhere in +Devonshire." + +"Perhaps we shall see them. How old are they?" + +"Sadie and Diana are much older than you," Alex told her crushingly. "In +fact, they're older than I am. But the little one, Marie, is only +twelve." + +"Where does the aunt live?" + +"How should I know?" said Alex. She reflected bitterly that even if her +schoolmates should ever meet her in Devonshire, it would be impossible +for her to make any advance to them, with old Nurse, even more strictly +mindful of the conventions than Lady Isabel. + +But for once it seemed as though fate were on Alex' side. + +"I hear," wrote Lady Isabel, in one of her hasty, collective letters, +addressed impartially to "My darling Children," "that Mrs. Alfred +Cardew, who lives at a very pretty house called Trevose, not more than a +few miles from where you are, has her three little nieces with her for +the holidays, and that they are at the same convent as Alex. So if you +like, darlings, as I know Mrs. Alfred Cardew quite well, you may ask +Nurse to let you arrange some little picnic or other and invite the +three children." + +Alex, taken by surprise, felt doubtful. She did not know whether she +wanted to expose herself to the criticisms which she thought, +disparagingly gazing round at her brothers and sisters and their +autocratic guardian, they would inevitably call forth from strangers. +Suppose they came, and Barbara was shy and foolish, and Cedric doggedly +bored, and then the Munroes went back to Liège next term and laughed at +Alex, and told the other girls what queer relations she had. And again, +thought Alex, Nurse would probably think the Americanisms, which had +amused Queenie and Alex at the convent, merely vulgar, and Barbara and +Cedric would wonder. + +"You _are_ extraordinary, Alex!" said Barbara petulantly. "You're always +talking about your friends at the convent and saying how nice they are, +and then when there's a chance of our seeing them too, you don't seem to +want to have them." + +"Yes, I do," said Alex hastily, and consoled herself with the reflection +that very likely the plan would never materialize. + +But as luck would have it, Alex, the very next day, saw Sadie Munroe +waving to her excitedly from the carriage where she was driving with a +very gaily-dressed lady, obviously the aunt. + +The following week, a charming note invited Alex, Barbara, Cedric and +Archie to lunch and spend the afternoon at Trevose. They should be +fetched in the pony-cart, and driven back after tea. + +At least, Alex reflected thankfully, old Nurse would not be there to put +her to shame. + +About Archie, with his clean sailor suit and shining curls, she felt no +anxiety. He was always a success. + +But she inspected Cedric, and especially Barbara, with anxiety. + +The day was a very hot one, and Cedric in cricketing flannels looked +sufficiently like every other boy of his age and standing to reassure +his critical sister. + +But Barbara! + +Surely the three pretty, sharp-eyed Americans would despise little, +pale, plain Barbara, with her one ridiculous curl of pale hair, and the +big, babyish bow of blue ribbon against which Alex had protested so +vigorously in her own case that Nurse had finally substituted black. + +No amount of protest, however, even had Alex dared to offer it, would +have induced Nurse to depart from the rule which decreed that the +sisters should be dressed alike, and Barbara's clean cotton frock was +the counterpart of Alex'. + +Alex thought the similarity ridiculous, and hated the twin Leghorn hats, +each with a precisely similar wreath round the crown, of thick, pale +blue forget-me-nots, of which the clusters were unrelieved by any blade +or hint of green. + +Even their brown shoes and stockings and brown gauntlet gloves were +alike. + +Alex felt disgusted at the aspect which she thought they must present, +and was unable to enjoy the four-mile drive in the pony-cart Mrs. Cardew +had sent over for them. She could not have told whether she was more +apprehensive of the effect Barbara and Cedric might have on the Munroes, +or the Munroes on Barbara and Cedric. + +"What do you suppose we shall do all the afternoon?" asked Barbara. She +was in one of her rare moods of excitement, and her futile chattering +and unceasing questions filled Alex with impatience. + +The two were on the verge of a quarrel by the time the last hill was +reached. + +Then came a long, shady avenue, with two pretty little lodges and a wide +stone gate, and the groom drove the pony smartly round a triangular +gravel sweep which lay before the arched entrance to the big Georgian +house. + +Sadie, Marie and Diana were sitting on the low stone wall that divided +the drive from what looked like a wilderness of pink and red roses, and +Alex noticed with relief that they were all three dressed exactly alike +in white muslin frocks, although she also saw that in spite of the +blazing sun they were without hats or gloves. They jumped off the wall +as the pony-cart drew up before the door and greeted the Clare children +eagerly, and with no trace of shyness. + + + + +V + +Other People + + +It seemed to Alex that the day was going to be a success, and her +spirits rose. + +She was rather surprised to see that Diana Munroe, who was seventeen, +wore her hair in a thick plait twisted round the crown of her head, and +asked her almost at once: + +"Have you put your hair up, Diana? Are you going to 'come out'?" + +"Oh, no. It'll come down again at the end of the holidays, for my last +term. Only Aunt Esther likes to see it that way. There's Aunt Esther, at +the bottom of the rose garden." + +Looking over the terrace wall they saw half-a-dozen grown-up people, men +in white flannels, and youthful-looking ladies in thin summer dresses. +Alex was rather pleased. She had always been more of a success with her +mother's grown-up friends than with her own contemporaries, from the +time of her nursery days, when she had been sent for to the drawing-room +on the "At Home" afternoons. + +But though Mrs. Cardew looked up and waved her hand to the group of +children on the terrace, she did not appear to expect them to join the +party, and the interval before lunch was spent in the display of white +rabbits and guinea-pigs. + +At first Alex watched Barbara rather nervously, wondering if she would +be shy and foolish, and disgrace her, but Barbara, no longer +over-shadowed by an elder sister who outshone her in every way, had +acquired a surprising amount of self-assurance. Alex was not even +certain that she approved of the ease with which her little sister +talked and exclaimed over the pet animals, asking Diana whether she +might pick up the guinea-pigs and hold them, without so much as waiting +for a lead from Alex. + +"Of course, you may!" Diana exclaimed. "Here you are." + +She distributed guinea-pigs impartially, and earnestly consulted Cedric +as to the bald patch on the Angora rabbit's head. + +As they went back towards the house, Sadie Munroe said to him: + +"Do you mind not having any other boys here--only girls? I'm afraid it's +dull for you, but Aunt Esther's boys will be here after lunch, only they +had to go over and play tennis with some people this morning; it was all +settled before we knew you were coming." + +But Cedric did not seem to mind at all. + +At lunch Archie, as Alex had known he would be, was an immediate +success. + +Even Mr. Cardew, who was bald and looked through Alex and Barbara and +Cedric without seeing them when he shook hands with them, patted +Archie's curls and said: + +"Hullo, Bubbles!" + +"Come and sit next to me, you darling," said Mrs. Cardew, "and you shall +have two helpings of everything." + +It was a very long luncheon-table, and Alex found herself placed between +Sadie and a grey-headed gentleman, to whom she talked in a manner which +seemed to herself to be very grown-up and efficient. + +Barbara was on the same side of the table and invisible to her, but she +saw Cedric opposite, quite eagerly talking to Marie Munroe, which rather +surprised Alex, who thought that her brother would despise all little +girls of twelve. + +Quite a number of people whose names Alex did not know asked her about +Lady Isabel, and she answered their inquiries readily, pleased to show +off her self-possession, and the gulf separating her from the +childishness of Barbara, who was giggling almost all through lunch in a +manner that would unhesitatingly have been qualified by her parents as +ill-bred. + +Lunch was nearly over when the two schoolboy sons of the house came +rushing in, hot and excited, and demanding a share of dessert and +coffee. + +"Barbarians," tranquilly said Mrs. Cardew. "Sit down quietly now, Eric +and Noel. I hope you said 'How d' you do' to every one." + +They had not done so, but both made a sort of circular salutation, and +the elder boy dropped into a chair next to Alex, while Eric went to sit +beside his mother. + +Noel Cardew was fifteen, a straight-featured, good-looking English boy, +his fairness burned almost to brick-red, and with a very noticeable cast +in one of his light-brown eyes. + +Alex looked at him furtively, and wondered what she could talk about. + +Noel spared her all trouble. + +"Do you ever take photographs?" he inquired earnestly. "I've just got a +camera, one of those bran-new sorts, and a tripod, quarter-plate size. I +want to do some groups after lunch. I've got a dark-room for developing, +the tool-house, you know." + +He talked rapidly and eagerly, half turned round in his chair so as +almost to face Alex, and she tried to feel flattered by the exclusive +monologue. + +She knew nothing about photography, but uttered little sympathetic +ejaculations, and put one or two timid questions which Noel for the most +part hardly seemed to hear. + +When Mrs. Cardew at length rose from her place, he turned from Alex at +once, in the midst of what he was saying, and demanded vehemently: + +"Can't we have a group on the terrace now? Do let me do a group on the +terrace--the light will be just right now." + +"Dear boy, you really mustn't become a nuisance with that camera of +yours--though he's really extraordinarily clever at it," said his +mother, in a perfectly audible aside. + +"Would it bore you all very much to be victimized? You won't keep us +sitting in the glare too long, will you, dear boy?" + +Almost every one protested at the suggestion of being photographed, but +while a good many of the gentlemen of the party disappeared noiselessly +and rapidly before the group could be formed, all the ladies began to +straighten their hats, and pull or push at their fringes. Noel kept them +waiting in the hot sun for what seemed a long while, and Alex reflected +rather gloomily that Mrs. Cardew showed a tolerance of his inconvenient +passion for photography that would certainly not have been approved by +her own parents. + +At last it was over, and Sadie jumped up, crying, "Now we can have some +proper games! What shall we play at?" + +"Don't get over-heated," her aunt said, smiling and nodding as she moved +away. + +"Do you like croquet?" Diana asked, and to Alex' disappointment they +embarked upon a long, wearisome game. She was not a good player, nor was +Barbara, but Cedric surprised them all by the brilliant ease with which +he piloted Marie Munroe and himself to victory. + +"I say, that's jolly good!" Eric and Noel said, and gazed at their +junior with respect. + +Alex felt pleased, but rather impatient too, and wished that it were she +who was distinguishing herself. + +When they played hide-and-seek, however, her opportunity came. She could +run faster than any of the other girls at Liège, and when Diana +suggested picking up sides, she added good-naturedly: + +"Alex runs much faster than any of us--she'd better be captain for one +side, and Noel the other." + +Noel looked as though his own headship were a matter of course, but Alex +felt constrained to say: + +"Oh, no, not me--You, Diana." + +"Would you rather not? Very well. Cedric, then. Hurry up and choose your +sides, boys. You start, Cedric." + +"I'll have Marie," said Cedric unhesitatingly, and the little red-haired +girl skipped over beside him with undisguised alacrity. + +"Noel?" + +Noel jerked his head in the direction of Alex. + +"You," he said. + +She was immensely surprised and flattered, connecting his choice with +the same attraction that had made him sit beside her at lunch, and not +with her own reported prowess as a runner. + +Cedric's reputation for gallantry suffered somewhat in his next +selections, which fell with characteristic common sense on Noel's +brother Eric, and upon Barbara. Noel took Sadie and Diana, and they drew +lots for Archie. + +The game proved long and exciting, played all over the terrace and +shrubbery. + +Alex screamed and laughed with the others, and enjoyed herself, although +she found time to wish that Barbara were not so stupid and priggish +about keeping on her gloves, because old Nurse had said she must, and to +wonder very much why Cedric appeared so pleased with the society of +red-haired, chattering Marie, whose side he never left. + +Presently, as she was looking for somewhere to hide, Noel Cardew joined +her. + +"Come on with me--I know a place where they'll never find us," he told +her, and led her on tip-toe to where a very small, disused ice-house was +half-hidden in a clump of flowering shrubs. + +Noel pushed open the door with very little effort, and they crept into +the semi-darkness and sat on the floor, pulling the door to behind them. +Noel whispered softly: + +"Isn't it cool in here? I _am_ hot." + +"So am I." + +Alex was wondering nervously what she could talk about to interest him, +and to make him go on liking her. Evidently he did like her, or he would +not have sat next her at lunch and told her about his photography, and +afterwards have chosen her for his partner at hide-and-seek. + +Alex, though she did not know it, possessed a combination that is +utterly fatal to any charm: she was unfeignedly astonished that any one +should be attracted by her, and at the same time agonizedly anxious to +be liked. + +She wanted now, wildly and nervously, to maintain the interest which she +thought she had excited in her companion. + +She found the silence unbearable. Noel would think her dull, or imagine +that she was bored. + +"Is this where you do your developing?" she asked in an interested +voice, although she remembered perfectly that he had said he used a +tool-house for his dark-room. + +"No--we've got the tool-house for that. Why, there wouldn't be room to +stand up in here. Sometimes I get my things developed and printed for me +at a shop, you know. Chemists will generally do it for one--though, of +course, I prefer doing my own. But there isn't time, except in the +holidays, and then one's always running short of some stuff or other. +The other day I ruined a simply splendid group--awfully good, it would +have been: mother and a whole lot of people out on the steps--like we +were today, you know--" He paused for sheer lack of breath. + +"I hope the one you took today will be good," said Alex, her heart +beating quickly. + +"Oh, yes, sure to be, with a day like this. Some fellows say you can get +just as much effect on a dull day, using a larger stop, but, of course, +that's all nonsense really. I say, I'm not boring you, am I?" + +He hardly waited to hear her impassioned negative before going on, still +discussing photographic methods. + +It was quite true that Alex was not bored, although she was hardly +listening to what he said. But his voice went on and on, and it +flattered her that he should want to talk to her so exclusively, as +though secure of her sympathy. + +"... And they say colour-photography will be the next thing. I believe +one could get some jolly good effects down here. Young Eric is all for +messing about with beastly paints and stuff, but I don't agree with +that." + +"Oh, no!" + +"My plan is to get hold of a real outfit, as soon as they get the thing +perfected, and then be one of the pioneers, you know. I say, I hope you +don't think this is awful cheek--" + +"Oh, no!" + +"This isn't a bad place for experiments, I will say. You see, you can +get the sea, and quite decent scenery, and any amount of view and stuff. +I say, what ages they are finding us," he broke off suddenly. + +Alex felt deeply mortified. Evidently Noel was bored, after all. But in +another minute he began to talk again. + +"I shouldn't be surprised if one of these days I tried my hand at doing +sort of book stuff. You know, photographs for illustrations. I believe +it's going to pay no end." + +"What sort of things?" + +"Oh, scenery, you know, and perhaps houses and things. Sure I'm not +boring you?" + +"No, indeed, I'm very interested." + +"It is rather interesting," Noel agreed simply. + +"Another thing I'm keen on is swimming. Rather different, you'll say; +but then one can't do one thing all the time, and, of course, the +swimming is first class at school. I went in for some competition and +stuff last term; high diving, you know." + +"Oh, did you win?" + +"Can't say I did. Young Eric got a cup of sorts, racing, but I just +missed the diving. Some day I shall have another try, I daresay. You +know, I've got rather a funny theory about swimming. I don't know +whether you'll see what I mean at all--in fact, I daresay it'll sound +more or less mad, to you--but _I_ believe we do it the wrong way." + +"Oh," said Alex, wishing at the same time that she could divest herself +of the eternal monosyllable. "Do tell me about it." + +"Well, it's a bit difficult to explain, but _I_ think we're all taught +the wrong way to begin with. It doesn't seem to have occurred to any one +to look at the way _fishes_ swim." + +Alex thought that Noel must really be very original and clever, and +tried to feel more flattered than ever at being selected as the +recipient of his theories. + +"I believe the whole thing could be revolutionized and done much +better--but I'm afraid I'm always simply chockfull of ideas of that +kind." + +"But that's so interesting," Alex said, not consciously insincere. + +"Don't you have all sorts of ideas like that yourself?" he asked +eagerly, filling her with a moment's anticipation that he was about to +give the conversation a personal turn. "_I_ think it makes life so much +more interesting if one goes into things; not just stay on the surface, +you know, but go into the _way_ things are done." + +Alex thought she heard some one coming towards their hiding-place, and +wanted to tell Noel to stop talking, or they would be found, but she +checked the impulse, fearful lest he should think her unsympathetic. + +The dogmatic schoolboy voice went on and on--swimming, photography, +cricket, and then photography again. Alex, determined to feel pleased +and interested, could only contribute an occasional monosyllable, +sometimes only an inarticulate sound, expressive of sympathy. + +And at the end of it all, when she was half proud and half irritated at +the thought that they must have been sitting there in the semi-darkness +for at least an hour, Noel exclaimed: + +"I say, they _are_ slow finding us. I should think it must be quite +tea-time, shouldn't you? How would it be if we came out now?" + +"Yes, let's," said Alex, trying to keep the mortification out of her +voice. + +They emerged into the sunlight again, and Noel pulled out his watch. + +"It's only a quarter past four. I thought it would be much later," he +remarked candidly. "I wonder where they all are. I expect they'll want +to know where we've been hiding, but you won't give it away, will you? +It's a jolly good place, and the others don't know about it." + +"I won't tell." + +Alex revived a little at the idea of being entrusted with a secret. + +"Do you often play hide-and-seek?" + +"Oh, just to amuse the girls, in the summer holidays. They've spent the +last three summers with us, you know. Next year I suppose they'll go to +America, lucky kids!" + +"I'd love to go to America, wouldn't you?" Alex asked, with considerable +over-emphasis. + +"Pretty well. I tell you what I'd really like to do--I shall do it one +day, too--make a regular tour of England, with a camera. I don't know +whether you'll think it's nonsense, of course, but my idea has always +been that people go rushing abroad to see other countries before they +really know their own. Now, my plan would be that I'd simply start at +Land's End, in Cornwall, just taking each principal town as it came on +my way, you know, and exploring thoroughly. I shouldn't mind going off +the main track, you know, if I heard of any little place that had an old +church or castle or something worth looking at. I don't know whether +you're at all keen on old buildings?" + +"Oh, yes," Alex said doubtfully; "I've seen Liège and Louvain, in +Belgium--" + +"Ah, but I'm talking about English places," Noel interrupted her +inexorably. "Of course the foreign ones are splendid too, and I mean to +run over and have a look at them some day, but my theory is that one +ought to see something of one's own land first. Now take Devonshire. +There are simply millions of old churches in Devonshire, and what I +should do, would be to have a note-book with me, and simply jot down my +impressions. Then with photographs one might get out quite a sort of +record, if you know what I mean--" + +Alex was rather glad that her companion should be talking to her so +eagerly as they came in sight of a group of people on the terrace. + +"Here are the truants," said Mrs. Cardew, laughing, and Diana Munroe +exclaimed that Aunt Esther had called them all to tea, and they had +given up further hunt for them. + +"Noel always finds extraordinary places to hide in," she added rather +disparagingly. + +It was evident that Noel was not very popular with the American cousins. + +"That boy would be very good looking if he had not that terrible cast," +Alex overheard one lady say to another, as the visitors were waiting on +the steps for the pony-carriage to take them away. The grey-haired man +next to whom Alex had sat at lunch, and who evidently did not know any +of the group of children apart, nodded in the direction of little +Archie, flushed and excited, trying to climb the terrace wall, +surrounded by adoring ladies. + +"That's the little chap for my money." + +"Isn't he a darling? That's one of Isabel Clare's children--so are the +two girls in blue. I couldn't believe anything so tall was really hers." + +"Oh, yes--I noticed one of them--rather like her mother?" + +Alex felt sure that she ought not to listen, and at the same time kept +motionless lest they should notice her and lower their voices. + +She felt eagerly anxious to overhear what the grey-haired gentleman +might have to say after the very grown-up way in which she had made +conversation with him at lunch, and having been a very pretty and +much-admired drawing-room child in her nursery days, could not +altogether divest herself of the expectation that she must still be +found pretty and entertaining. + +But the grey-haired gentleman said impartially: + +"They are neither of them a patch on Lady Isabel, are they?" + +"They are at the awkward age," laughed the lady to whom he was talking. +"One of them sat next to you at lunch, didn't she?" + +"Yes. Not quite so natural as the other children. That little, +red-haired American girl, now--a regular child--" + +Alex, with a face grown suddenly scarlet, left Barbara, shyly, and +Cedric, briefly, to thank their hostess for the pleasant day they had +spent. + +A new, and far more painful self-consciousness than any she had yet +known, hampered her tongue and her movements, until they were safely in +the pony-carriage half-way down the drive. + +"They are nice, aren't they?" said Barbara. "I'm sure they are nicer +than Queenie." + +"No, they aren't," Alex contradicted mechanically. + +"Well, Marie and Diana are, anyway." She looked slyly at Cedric. "Don't +you think so, Cedric?" + +"How can I tell whether they are any nicer, as you call it, than another +kid whom I've never seen?" inquired Cedric reasonably. + +"But didn't you like Marie?" + +"She's all right." + +Barbara giggled in the way most disliked by her family, the authorities +of whom stigmatized the habit as "vulgar," and Cedric said severely: + +"I shouldn't think decent girls would want to play with you at all, if +you don't leave off that idiotic trick of cackling." + +But Barbara, who was not at all easily crushed, continued to giggle +silently at intervals. + +"Why are you so silly?" Alex asked her crossly, as they were going to +bed that night. + +She and Barbara shared a room at Fiveapples Farm. + +Barbara whined the inevitable contradiction, "I'm not silly," but added +immediately, "you wouldn't be so cross, if you knew what I know. I +expect you'd laugh too." + +"Well, what is it?" + +"I shan't tell you." + +Alex was not particularly curious, but she had been the nursery autocrat +too long to be able to endure resistance to her command. + +"Tell me at once, Barbara." + +"No, I won't." + +"Yes, you will. Well, what is it about?" said Alex, changing her +tactics. + +"It's about Cedric." + +"Is he in a scrape?" + +"No, it's just something he did." + +"_What?_ Did he tell you about it?" + +"Oh, no. He doesn't know I know. He'd be furious if he did, I expect." + +"Who told you? Does any one else know?" + +"Nobody told me. One other person knows," giggled Barbara, jumping up +and down in her petticoat. + +"Keep still, you'll have the candle over. Who's the other person who +knows?" + +"Guess." + +"Oh, I can't; don't be so silly. I am not going to ask you any more." + +"Well," said Barbara in a great hurry, "it's Marie Munroe, then; it's +about her." + +"What about her? She didn't take any notice of any one except Cedric, +and I think it was very rude and stupid of her." + +"It was Cedric's doing much more than hers," Barbara said shrewdly. "I +think he thinks he is in love with her. I saw them in the shrubbery when +we were playing hide-and-seek; and--what do you think, Alex?" + +"Well, what?" + +"Cedric kissed her--I saw him." + +"Then," said Alex, "it was perfectly hateful of him and of Marie and of +you." + +"Why of _me?_" shrieked Barbara in a high key of indignation. "What have +I done, I should like to know?" + +"You'd no business to say anything about it. Put out the candle, +Barbara, I'm going to get into bed." + +In the darkness Alex lay with her mind in a tumult. It seemed to her +incredible that her brother, whom she had always supposed to despise +every form of sentimentality, as he did any display of feeling on the +part of his family, should have wanted to kiss little, red-haired Marie, +whom he had only known for one day, and who was by far the least pretty +of any of the three Munroe sisters. "And to kiss her in the shrubbery +like that!" + +Alex felt disgusted and indignant. She thought about it for a long while +before she went to sleep, although she would gladly have dismissed the +incident from her mind. Most of all, perhaps, she was filled with +astonishment. Why should any one want to kiss Marie Munroe? + +In the depths of her heart was another wonder which she never formulated +even to herself, and of which she would, for very shame, have +strenuously denied the existence. + +Why had she not the same mysterious attraction as un-beautiful little +Marie? Alex knew instinctively that it would never have occurred, say, +to Noel Cardew--to ask her if he might kiss her. She did not want him +to--would have been shocked and indignant at the mere idea--but, +unconsciously, she wished that he had wanted to. + + + + +VI + +The End of an Era + + +No salient landmarks ever seemed to Alex to render eventful the two and +a half years that elapsed between those summer holidays at Fiveapples +Farm and her final departure from the Liège convent to begin her +grown-up life at home. + +The re-arrangement of the day's routine consequent on the beginning of +the winter half-year caused her to miss Queenie less acutely than she +had done when she first came home for the holidays, and with Queenie's +absence there were fewer revolts against convent law, and less disfavour +from the authorities. + +She made no other great friends. Marie Munroe showed her a marked +friendliness at first, but Alex could not forget that giggling +revelation of Barbara's, and shrank from her advances unmistakably. She +had very little in common with her French contemporaries, and knew that +they thought her English accent and absence of proficiency in +needlework, marks of eccentricity and of bad form, so that she became +self-conscious and aggressive before them. + +She was hardly aware of her own intense loneliness--the poignant +realization of it was to come later--but the want of any channel of +self-expression for her over-developed emotional capabilities produced +in her a species of permanent discontent that reacted on her health and +on her spirits, so that she got the reputation, least enviable of any in +schoolgirl circles, of being "a tragedy queen." + +Her morose pallor, partly the result of an under-vitalized system, and +partly of her total lack of any interest in her surroundings, were +considered fair game. + +"Voyez, Alex! Elle a son air bête aujourd'hui." + +"A qui l'enterrement, Alex?" + +They were quite good-humoured, and did not mean to hurt her. It was not +their fault that such pin-pricks stabbed her and sent her away to cry +over her own friendlessness until she felt sick and exhausted. + +She did not expend on any one else the extravagant worship bestowed upon +Queenie Torrance. For a year she wrote to Queenie throughout the +holidays, and received meagre and unsatisfactory replies, and then +gradually the correspondence ceased altogether, and Alex only looked +forward with an occasional vague curiosity to the possibility of meeting +Queenie again in London, on the terms of equality symbolized by their +both being "grown-up." + +During her last year at school, lack of intimate intercourse with any +one, and the languid sentimentality of adolescence, made her take for +the first time some interest in religion as understood at the convent. +She prolonged her weekly confession, which had hitherto been a matter of +routine to be got through as rapidly as possible, in order to obtain the +solace of talking about herself, and derived a certain tepid pleasure in +minutely following and applying to herself the more anecdotal portions +of the New Testament. + +For a time, it seemed to her that she had found a refuge. + +Then came the affair of the examination. Alex, in her last term, and +taking part in the final midsummer _concours_, could not bear the +penalty of failure which it seemed to her would be displayed in the +mediocrity which had all along been her portion. She had never been +admitted to the virtuous society of the _enfants de Marie_, had never +taken more than one of the less distinguished prizes at the end of any +term, and had no warmly-worded report to display her popularity and the +sense of loss that her departure would leave. + +Her place in the half-yearly examination was not a good one. She had +none of Cedric's power of concentration, and her abilities were not such +as to win her any regard in the continental and Catholic system of +education of the middle nineties. + +She cheated over the examination. + +It was quite easy to copy from the girl next her, who happened to be one +of the best vehicles for carefully-tabulated and quite unconnected +facts, in the school. Alex could read the dates, and the proper names, +and all the principal words on her history paper, and transferred them +to her own, clothing the dry bones in the imaginative fabric of her own +words, for the English girls were allowed to do most of the papers in +their own language. + +At the end of the morning she was oddly elated, at the sight of her +well-filled paper, and felt no qualms at all. In the afternoon she was +again next to Marie-Louise, and congratulated herself that the paper +should be the literature one. Arithmetic, she knew, was not the strong +point of Marie-Louise, and besides, it would be almost impossible to +copy the working of problems figure for figure without ultimate +detection. + +That night, however, when Alex knelt down to say her prayers, she was +suddenly overwhelmed by remorse and terror. + +Her crime came between her and God. + +The vaguely comforting belief that because she was lonely and miserable, +He would vouchsafe to her an especial pity, was destroyed. Between God +and a sinner, so Alex had been told, lay an impassable gulf that only +repentance, confession, atonement and punishment, could bridge--and even +then, an indelible entry against one's name testified to eventual +exposure and shame at some dreadful, inevitable assizes, when sins +hidden and forgotten, large and small, of commission and omission alike, +would be made known to all the world, assembled together for the Last +Judgment. Faced with this inevitable retribution, Alex felt that no +present success was worth it, and wondered whether she could not repair +her wickedness as far as possible on the morrow by confession. + +But when the morrow had come, the Day of Judgment seemed far removed +from the hot July morning, and the breaking-up, when the result of the +examinations would be heard, a very present reality indeed. + +It was a relief to the hot, tossing sensation of balancing values in her +mind, to remember that it was the day of the Catechism examination, +which would be viva voce. + +She acquitted herself very badly, and the temptation to retrieve her +failure in the afternoon was irresistible, when she again found herself +placed next to the prodigy Marie-Louise. + +The paper was headed "Histoire de l'Église," and immense value was +attached to proficiency in the subject, strenuously taught to the +convent pupils out of enormous old-fashioned volumes containing much +loyal fiction with a modicum of distorted historical fact. + +Alex fell. + +She could overlook her neighbour's papers so easily, hardly even turning +her head, that it only struck her as inconvenient, and did not awake in +her any fear of detection, when presently Marie-Louise pulled a piece of +blotting-paper towards her so that it covered the page on which she was +working. + +Alex finished the question to which Marie-Louise had unwittingly +supplied her with material for the answer, and looked about her, +subconsciously waiting for the removal of the blotting-paper. Her eyes +met those of a younger child, seated exactly opposite to her, whose +sharp, dark gaze was fixed upon her with a sort of eager, contemptuous +horror. In that instant, when it seemed as though her heart had stopped +beating, Alex knew herself detected. + +The colour rushed from her face and she felt cold and giddy. + +Lacking the instinctive guard against self-betrayal which is the +hall-mark of the habitual deceiver, her terrified gaze turned straight +to Marie-Louise. + +The smooth, dark head was bent low, one hand still clutched at the +covering blotting-paper, and the ear and piece of cheek which were all +that Alex could see, were scarlet. + +Marie-Louise knew. + +The sharp-eyed child opposite had seen Alex cheat, and had no doubt +conveyed a silent telegraphic warning. + +It seemed to Alex that the world had stopped. Accusation, disgrace, +expulsion, all whirled through her mind and left no permanent image +there. Her imagination stopped utterly dead at the horror of it. + +She sat perfectly motionless for the remaining hours of the morning, +unconscious of the passage of time, only conscious of an increasing +sense of physical sickness. + +It was an absolute relief to her when the bell rang and she found +herself obliged to get up and move across the long class-room with the +others to give up her papers. + +"Vous êtes malade, Alexandra?" + +"J'ai mal-au-coeur," said Alex faintly. + +She was sent to the infirmary to lie down, and the old lay-sister in +charge of it was so kind to her, and commiserated her wan, forlorn +appearance so pityingly, that Alex burst into a flood of tears that +relieved the tension of her body, and sent her, quivering, but +uncomprehendingly sensible of relief, to rest exhaustedly upon the +narrow infirmary bed with little white curtains drawn all round it. + +No doubt every one would soon know of her disgrace, and she would be +expelled, to the shame and anger of her father and mother, and the +downfall of all her boastings to Barbara. No doubt God had abandoned one +so unworthy of His forgiveness--but Soeur Clementine was kind, and it +seemed, in the incredible comfort of a little human tenderness, that +nothing else mattered. + +And, after all, that hour's anticipation proved to be the worst that +happened to her. She went downstairs for the evening preparation, and +Marie-Louise, a trusted _enfant de Marie_, obtained permission to speak +to her alone, and solemnly conducted her to the lavatory, as the most +private place in the school. + +Standing over the sink, with its stiff and solitary tap of cold water, +Marie-Louise conducted her inquiry with business-like, passionless +directness. + +Alex made no attempt either to deny her sin or to palliate it. She was +mentally and emotionally far too much exhausted for any effort, and it +did not even occur to her that any excuse could avail her anything. + +Marie-Louise was not at all unkind. + +She knew all about _la charité_, and was agreeably conscious of +exercising this reputable virtue to the full, when she informed Alex +that no one should ever know of the lapse from her, provided that Alex, +making her own explanation to the class-mistress, should withdraw her +papers from the examination. + +"But what can I say to her?" asked Alex. + +"Quant à ça," said Marie-Louise, in the detached tones of one who had +accomplished her duty and felt no further interest on the point at +issue, "quant à ça, débrouillez-vous avec vôtre conscience." + +To this task she left Alex. + +And Alex ended by doing nothing at all. Partly from inertia, partly +because she knew that Marie-Louise would never ask her what she had +done, she shirked the shame and trouble of confession to her +class-mistress, and let her papers go in with the others. She knew that +she would not get a high place, for her work all through the term had +been bad, and would have to be taken into consideration, and over all +the remaining papers she muddled hopelessly. Besides, she was leaving +for good, and no one would know. + +She had lost her self-respect when she first realized that she was +cheating, and it was then, as she neared the completion of her +seventeenth year, that the belief was ineradicably planted in Alex' soul +that she had been born with a natural love of evil, and that goodness +was an abstract attitude of mind to which she could never do more than +aspire fruitlessly, with no slightest expectation of attainment. She was +further conscious of an intense determination to hide the knowledge of +her own innate badness from every one. + +If she were ever seen in her true colours, no one would love her, and +Alex already knew dimly, and with a further sense of having strange, low +standards of her own, that she wanted to be loved more than anything in +the world. + +Far more than she wanted to be good. + +The affair of the examination passed, and although Alex did not forget +it, she mostly remembered it as merely the culminating scandal of a +succession of petty evasions and cowardly deceptions. + +She left Liège without regret. + +She had hated the physical discomfort of the conventual system, the +insufficient hours of sleep, the bitter cold of the Belgian winters and +the streaming rain that defiled the summers; she had hated the endless +restrictions and the minute system of _surveillance_ that was never +relaxed; above all, she had hated the sense of her own isolation in a +crowd, her own utter absence of attraction for her kind. + +It seemed to Alex that when she joined the mysterious ranks of +grown-up-people everything would be different. She never doubted that +with long dresses and piled-up hair, her whole personality would change, +and the meaningless chaos of life reduce itself to some comprehensible +solution. + +Everything all her life had been tending towards the business of +"growing up." Everything that she was taught at home impressed the +theory that her "coming out" would usher in the realities of life, and +nothing impressed her more with a sense of the tremendous importance of +the approaching change than Lady Isabel's greeting, when she came back +to Clevedon Square after her final term at Liège. + +"We've put off Scotland for a week, darling--your father's been so good +about it--so that I may see about your clothes. I've made appointments +with Marguerite and the other places for you, so there'll be nothin' to +do but try on, but, of course, I shall have to see the things myself +before they finish them, and tell them about the colours; they're sure +to want to touch everything up with pink or blue, and white is so much +prettier for a young girl. White with a tiny little _diamanté_ edging, I +thought, for one of your evenin' dresses.... + +"The first thing, of course, is your hair. Louise must go with you to +Hugo's, and watch them very carefully while they do it in two or three +different styles, then she'll be able to do it for you every evening. I +expect she'll have to do it every day to begin with, but you must try +and learn. I should like you to be _able_ to be independent of a maid in +that sort of way--one never knows quite that some time one mightn't find +oneself stranded for a day or two.... + +"I don't think your hair will need waving, Alex, which is such a +comfort. So many women have to wear their fringe in curlers every +night--thank Heaven, I've never had to. As a matter of fact, they say +fringes are goin' out now, but I'm certainly not goin' to let yours grow +until we're quite certain about it ... and a bald forehead is always so +unbecomin'." + +Alex listened with a sense of importance and excitement, but she was +also rather bewildered. The contrast between all this preoccupation with +her clothes and her appearance, and the austere mental striving after +spiritual or moral results which had permeated the convent atmosphere, +was too violent. + +"You'll be interested in it all, my darling, won't you?" asked Lady +Isabel disappointedly. "I couldn't bear to have a daughter who didn't +care about her things--some girls are like that--so disappointin'; after +one's had all the trouble of their upbringin' and is lookin' forward to +a little reward." + +Alex could find no words in which to explain what she knew quite well, +that she was as full of eager anticipations as Lady Isabel could wish, +but was too much bewildered by the novelty of it all, as yet, to give +any expression to them. + +She became rather boisterous and unconvincing in her endeavours to +express, by means which were not spontaneous, the pleasure and +excitement expected of her. + +"You'll learn to move prettily and quietly, darling, and we must see +about some dancin' lessons before next year. Dancin' fashions alter so +quickly now-a-days," said Lady Isabel, her low, gentle tones a shade +lower and more gentle than usual. + +"But I shan't go to balls--yet," stammered Alex. + +She and Barbara had only been allowed a very few children's parties, and +for the last few years she had been considered too old for these. She +thought of a ball as a prolonged, glorified party. + +"Not until after your presentation, of course, and that won't be till +the spring. But there may be one or two affairs in the country at +Christmas, if I take you to stay about, as I hope. + +"You see, darling, my plan is to let you have the next two months in the +country with little Barbara, just as usual--only you must take great +care not to let yourself get freckled in the sun--and then, when you +come back to town in October, you can have your hair properly put up, +and come about with me, so as to get to know people and make a little +beginnin' before there's any question of really doing the season +properly next summer." + +Alex began to feel vastly important. She had never been the centre of so +much attention before. + +Evidently this affair of coming out was the culminating point to which +all life had hitherto been tending. + +Even Barbara treated her with a rather envious respect now. + +Only Cedric remained unimpressed, and treated his eldest sister's marked +tendency to assume airs of extreme maturity with silent indifference. + +His school career was proceeding more triumphantly than ever, and his +"removes" succeeded one another with a rapidity only less startling than +his increasing reputation as a cricketer. + +He spent most of his holidays with a schoolfellow, and showed himself +rather scornful of girls in general and of his sisters in particular, +although he played willingly enough with little Pamela, who had grown to +an attractive and talkative age. + +Barbara asked him once, with the touch of slyness characteristic of her +in certain moods, whether he remembered Marie Munroe. + +"Red-haired American kid? Oh, yes," said Cedric loftily. "Didn't she +have a sister who was bosom friends with Alex at Liège, or some rot of +that kind?" + +And Alex had felt unaccountably relieved at the implication of the +evanescent character of Cedric's whilom admiration. + +They spent August and September at the seaside on the Cornish coast. + +Alex enjoyed the daily bathing, and scrambling over the rocks +barefooted, and the picnic teas in any sheltered cove that old Nurse +judged sufficiently protected from the profane gaze of possible +trippers. But she had all the time the sense that these hot, leisurely +days were only a time of waiting, and even when she enjoyed herself most +she was conscious of a gnawing impatience for the next step. + +The week in London before Lady Isabel and Sir Francis started for +Scotland had rather disappointed Alex, although she did not own it, even +to herself. + +Perpetual "tryings on" in hot weather had proved a tiring performance, +and her feet ached from standing and from the hot pavement, so that she +dragged herself rather than walked, or stood on one foot so as to save +the other, which had vexed Lady Isabel, and led to a long admonition as +to the importance of moving properly and always holding oneself upright. + +Moreover, Alex, although she did not give very much thought to her own +looks as a rule, had always expected that as soon as she grew up she +would almost automatically become very beautiful, and it vexed and +surprised her to find that her new frocks, still in a very incompleted +stage, did not at once produce any startling change in her appearance. +It was also disappointing that her mother and her mother's dressmaker +should so often seem to find in her hitherto unsuspected deficiencies. + +"Mam'selle won't be able to wear elbow-sleeves just at present, Móddam, +I'm afraid--at least, not until we've got rid of that redness." + +"Dear me, no! I suppose that comes from keepin' her elbows on a school +desk--how very vexin'. Really, the nuns must have been very careless to +let you get into the way of it, Alex. And it's made your shoulders +round, too." + +"Mam'selle _must_ keep her shoulders well back if that white chiffon is +to look like anything at all," chimed in Madame Marguerite most +impressively. "It will simply be ruination to let it drop like that in +the front ... takes away all the smartness from it." + +Alex straightened herself uneasily. + +"It's such a simple little frock, the whole thing is how it's worn...." + +Which made Alex feel miserably unequal to the responsibility laid upon +her. + +"Her neck is very thin," sighed Lady Isabel, and Madame Marguerite, her +large head with its weight of elaborate yellow waves well on one side as +she gazed at Alex, had looked very disparaging indeed as she said, in +tones more consolatory than hopeful: + +"Of course, Mam'selle may fill out a bit before next year." + +Alex, in her heart, had been thankful when it was all over, and she had +gone back to the old blue cotton frocks that were to be worn out at the +seaside. + +Her only responsibility there was the daily struggle of putting up her +hair. + +To her disgust, and to Barbara's derision, the hair-dresser had insisted +upon a large, bun-like frame, which made her head ache, and, pinned on +by her unskilful hands, displayed a strong tendency to slip down the +back of her neck. And however much she might brush and pull her hair +over it, there always appeared a hiatus sooner or later, through which a +large patch of what Barbara jeeringly called "false horsehair," might +plainly be seen. + +In spite of it all, however, Alex enjoyed those last schoolroom days of +hers more than any she had yet known. + +Real life was going to begin, and though Alex had no idea as to how the +transformation would be effected, she was convinced that everything +which she had longed for, and utterly missed, throughout her schooldays, +would now be hers. + + + + +VII + +London Season + + +Alex' first London season, from the very extravagance of her +expectations, was a disappointment to her. + +Her own appearance, indeed, in her first ball-dress, surprised and +delighted her, and she stood before the great pier glass in the +drawing-room, under the chandelier which had been specially lit for the +occasion, and gazed at her reflection with incredulous admiration. + +Her dress, in the height of the prevailing fashion, had been the subject +of Lady Isabel's minute and careful consultations with Madame Marguerite +of New Bond Street. Of stiff white satin, the neck was cut into a hard +square, and the bodice, as it was still called, unsoftened except for a +small draping of pleated white chiffon held on the left shoulder with a +cluster of dead-white roses, which were repeated at the side of the +broad, white-ribbon belt. The most prominent feature of the dress was +the immensity of the sleeves, stiffened within by strips of petersham, +and standing well up from the shoulders. Thence, the monstrous, +balloon-shaped things narrowed imperceptibly, and were gathered in just +below the elbow, leaving no hiatus visible between them and the +_mousquetaire_ white-kid gloves. + +The skirt had no train, but fell into plain, heavy folds, sweeping the +ground, and with a slight additional length of "tail," and a +considerable additional fulness behind. A white ostrich-feather fan hung +by white satin ribbon from her waist. + +"It looks charming," said Lady Isabel delightedly. "Better than your +presentation frock." + +The servants, who had respectfully petitioned through Lady Isabel's maid +to be allowed to see Miss Clare in her ball-dress before she started, +were grouped in the doorway, the long white streamers of the maids' caps +contrasting sharply with their neat black dresses. + +Old Nurse, a privileged personage, was right inside the drawing-room, +inspecting critically. + +"I never thought you'd look so well, Miss Alex," she observed candidly. +"They've hid your failings something wonderful, and your hair and +complexion was always good, thanks to the care I've took of them--that I +will say." + +"Don't those shoes pinch, Alex?" asked Barbara, looking on enviously in +her plain schoolroom frock and strapped shoes, with her hair still +hanging down her back. + +Alex did not care whether her pointed, white satin shoes pinched her +feet or not. She was too happy in her first triumph. + +It was not quite a solitary triumph, for Sir Francis, after a prolonged +gazing through his double eye-glasses that made her flush more than ever +from nervousness, gave one of his rare smiles of gratification and said: + +"Very pretty indeed. I congratulate you on your appearance, my dear +child." + +But it was to Lady Isabel that he turned next moment, with that sudden +softened glance that he never bestowed elsewhere. + +"How beautifully you've dressed her, my dear. You will be taken for +sisters, now that she is in long dresses." + +The compliment was not ill-deserved, and Alex, watching her mother's +exquisite flush, felt a vague dissatisfaction with her own immaturity. + +She might be pretty, with youthful colouring and smooth skin, but she +lacked the poise that added charm to her mother's beauty, and a +struggling consciousness of that lack disturbed and vexed her. + +"I think she's better without any ornament, don't you, Francis?" asked +her mother critically. "Some girls wear pearls, I know, but I never +quite like--it not the first year, anyway." + +Her opera cloak over her shoulders, its cape-like outline and heavy, +turned-back collar of swan-down adding to the already disproportionate +width of the upper part of her person, Alex followed Lady Isabel into +the carriage. + +She wore nothing over her head, for fear of disarranging the light +Princess-of-Wales' fringe curling on her forehead. + +That first ball remained in her mind as a medley of valse tunes, +quadrilles and jigging polkas, blazing lights and red and white flowers +everywhere, and a sequence of strange young men brought up in rapid +succession by the daughters of her hostess and introduced in an +unvarying formula, to which each responded by a bow and a polite request +for the pleasure of a dance with her. Alex danced readily enough, but +found conversation strangely difficult, expecting she knew not what +profundities of intercourse which were never forthcoming. Her chief +gratification was that of seeing Lady Isabel's pretty, pleased smile at +the sight of her daughter dancing. + +"Are you enjoying yourself, darling?" she asked several times, as Alex +returned between each dance to the row of gilt chairs against the wall. + +Alex said "Yes" sincerely enough, but she was all the time reminded of +that strange, disconcerting experience that had been hers a year or two +earlier, when she had sought to persuade herself of a great success with +the boy Noel Cardew. + +She boasted of her enjoyment of the ball to Barbara next day, and said +that she had been so busy dancing that she had never gone down to supper +at all. + +"But that must never happen again," Lady Isabel said, horrified. "Girls +do that sort of thing at first, when they're foolish, and then they get +over-tired and lose all their looks and have no more good times." + +It seemed the omega of disaster. + +Nevertheless, there were other balls when Alex did not go down to +supper, sometimes because no one had asked her to do so. + +She nearly always had partners, for she danced reasonably, though not +superlatively, well, and introductions were still the fashion. But the +number of her partners depended very largely upon the attentiveness of +her hostess or of her hostess's daughters. Young men did not always +claim dances from her, although they had been amongst her partners at +the ball of the week before. Nor did many of them ask for two or three +dances in one evening. + +Lady Isabel had said, "Never more than three dances with the same man, +Alex, at the very _outside_. It's such bad form to make yourself +conspicuous with any one--your father would dislike it very much." + +Alex bore the warning carefully in mind, and was naïvely surprised that +no occasion for making practical application of it should occur. She was +intensely anxious to be liked and admired, and she strangely confounded +the two issues in her own mind. Attributes such as her clear skin, her +exquisitely-kept hair, or her expensive frocks, she thought would +promote interest in her amongst her fellow-creatures, and to the same +end she simulated an enthusiasm--which was so entirely foreign to her +real feelings that it lacked any semblance of body--for the crazes of +her immediate generation, centred in Planchette and in the publication +of _Barabbas_. She was full of preconceived ideas as to that which +constituted attractiveness, and in her very ardour to realize the +conventional ideal of the day failed entirely to attract. In intercourse +with other girls, still in their first or second season, she slowly +began to suspect the deficiencies in herself. + +"I'm engaged for nearly every single valse at the Duchess's ball on +Tuesday already!" a very young, childish-looking little creature +exclaimed in Alex' hearing. + +Alex was astounded. What could the little thing mean? + +"Nearly all my last night's partners will be there, and they've all +asked me for dances, and some for two or three," said the child with +ingenuous pride. + +Alex was frankly amazed. Lady Mollie was not particularly pretty, and +her conversation was the veriest stream of prattle. Yet she was asked to +reserve the favour of her dances three days or four days in advance, and +the experience was evidently no new one to her, although she had only +come out a few weeks earlier than Alex! + +It was the same little Lady Mollie who gave Alex a further shock by +demanding of her very seriously: + +"Do you know a girl called Miss Torrance, a girl with very fair hair? +She says she was at school with you." + +"Queenie Torrance? Oh, _yes!_" said Alex, the old fervour rushing to her +voice at the sudden memory of Queenie, who had left her letters +unanswered--of whom she had heard nothing for two years. + +"She's tremendously admired by _some_ people," said Lady Mollie, shaking +her head with a quaint air of sapience. "I know two or three who rave +about her. Mother says she's rather inclined to be fast. I think people +don't like her father very much, and he generally takes her about. You +don't know them very well, do you?" + +Alex hastily disclaimed any intimacy with Queenie's unpopular parent. +She felt disloyal to Queenie for the eagerness with which she did so. + +Two nights later, at one of the big evening receptions that Alex enjoyed +least of any form of entertainment, Miss Torrance's name was again +mentioned to her. + +She was listening to the conversation of a brilliantly-good-looking +young German Jew, whose name of Goldstein, already spoken with bated +breath in financial circles, conveyed less to her inexperience than did +the dark, glowing eyes, swarthy skin and the Semitic curve of his +handsome nose. His voice was very slightly guttural, and he slurred his +r's all but imperceptibly as he spoke. + +She found that conversation with him was exceedingly easy, and +translated the faint hint of servility in his deference, as did most +women not of his own race, into sympathy with her utterances. + +"You think so, you really think so?" he inquired gently, when she +expressed a _banale_ admiration for the prettiness of some girl whose +entry, preceded by that of an insignificant couple, had made a slight +stir round the huge open doorway of the reception-room. + +"Yes," said Alex, emboldened by the interested look in the dark eyes +which he kept upon her face, as though finding it more worth while to +gaze upon her than upon the entering beauty. + +"I have seen more beautiful faces than hers, nevertheless," he +responded. + +The eloquence of his look made Alex feel as though she had received a +compliment, and she blushed. As though to cover her shyness, the young +Jew went on speaking. "I wonder if you know Miss Torrance--Miss Queenie +Torrance?" + +She noticed that his throaty voice lingered over the syllables a little. + +"She was my great friend at school." + +"Indeed! What a delightful friendship for both, if I may say so. I think +I may say that I, also, have the privilege of counting myself amongst +the friends of Miss Torrance." + +"I haven't seen her since she left school," said Alex wistfully. "I +should like to see her." + +"You spoke of beauty just now," said the young Jew deliberately. "To my +mind Miss Torrance was the beauty of the season, when she came out last +year." + +She felt faintly surprised, but spoke hastily lest he should think her +jealous, although he had carefully emphasized the date of Queenie's +appearance into society. + +"I heard only the other day how much she was admired." + +Goldstein's dark face grew darker. "She is very much admired indeed," he +said emphatically. + +"Perhaps she will be here tonight," Alex suggested, thinking that she +would like to see Queenie grown-up. + +"She is not coming tonight," said Goldstein with calm assurance. "Are +you going to the Duchess's ball on Tuesday? But I need not ask." + +Alex felt unreasonably flattered at the homage implied, rather than +expressed, in the tone, and replied in the affirmative. + +"Then you will see Miss Torrance." + +"Oh, I'm glad," said Alex. She felt rather elated at the success which +her friend must have undoubtedly met with, to be so much admired, and +she remembered with added resentment Lady Isabel's old inquiry: +"Torrance--Torrance--who is Torrance?" + +"Did you know that the girl I was at Liège with, Queenie Torrance, came +out last year, and every one says she's lovely?" she demanded of her +mother. + +"I'd forgotten you were at school with her. I remember now," said Lady +Isabel thoughtfully. "Who says she is lovely?" + +"Oh, Lady Mollie and every one. That Mr. Goldstein I was talking to." + +"Goldstein!" exclaimed her mother with infinite contempt. She was silent +for a little while and then said, "I've heard about the Torrance girl. +Men--of a sort--admire her very much indeed, but I should be sorry if +you copied her style, Alex." + +Alex felt more curious than ever. Blindly though she had adored Queenie, +it had not occurred to her that she would be considered very pretty, and +she wondered greatly concerning the development of her old playmate. + +When she did see Queenie, at the Duchess's ball as Goldstein had +predicted, Lady Isabel was not with her. Excess of fatigue had +unwillingly constrained her to stay at home, while Sir Francis, bored +but courteous, escorted his eldest daughter in her stead. + +They arrived late, and stood for a few minutes in the doorway, watching +the kaleidoscopic scene of colour and movement in the great illuminated +ballroom. + +Alex' attention was attracted by a group of men all gathered near the +door, and prominent among them Goldstein, his eager, searching gaze +fixed upon the broad stairway without, up and down which innumerable +figures passed and re-passed. From the sudden lightning flash in his +ardent black gaze, not less than from a sort of movement instantly +communicated to the whole group, Alex guessed that he had focussed the +object of his quest. + +The announcement made at the head of the stairs was inaudible amid the +crashing of dance music, but Alex recognized the entering couple in a +flash. + +Colonel Torrance, white-haired, with black moustache and eyebrows, +upright and soldierly still, had changed less than Queenie. She looked +much taller than Alex had imagined her, and her graceful outline was +fuller, but she moved exquisitely. + +Her very fair hair, at a time when every woman wore a curled fringe, was +combed straight back from her rounded brow, leaving only the merest +escaping curls at either temple, and gathered into the ultra-fashionable +"jug-handle" knot on the top of her head. She wore a wreath of tiny blue +forget-me-nots that deepened the tint of her grey-blue eyes, and the +colour was repeated freely in the deep frills and ruchings of her white, +_décolletée_ dress, of an elaboration that Alex instinctively knew her +mother would not have countenanced. Turquoises were twisted round the +white, full column of her throat, and clasped her rounded arms. + +Alex watched her eagerly. + +Every man in the little waiting group was pressing round her, claiming +first possession of her attention. + +The faint, remotely smiling sweetness of Queenie's heart-shaped mouth +recalled to Alex with extraordinary vividness the schoolgirl at the +Liège convent. + +Goldstein, his eyes flaming, stood demonstratively waiting, with +insolent security in his bearing, while she dispensed her favours right +and left, always with the same chilly, composed sweetness. + +The music, which had ceased, broke into the lilt of the _Blue Danube_, +and on the instant Goldstein imperiously approached Queenie. She swayed +towards him, still smiling slightly, and they drifted into the throng of +dancers. Alex turned round with a sort of gasp. + +What must it feel like to be the heroine of a ballroom triumph, to know +that a dozen men would count the evening worth while for the privilege +of dancing once with her, that they would throng in the doorway to watch +and wait for her coming? + +Some of them remained in the doorway still, watching her dance, the +folds of her dress and her great white fan gathered into one hand, her +white, heavy eyelids cast down under her pure, open forehead, and +Goldstein's arm encircling her waist as he guided her steps skilfully +round the crowded room. Alex saw that Sir Francis, his double eyeglass +raised, was also watching the couple. + +"I wonder who that remarkably pretty woman is, of whom young Goldstein +is very obviously enamoured?" + +Alex felt oddly that Sir Francis supposed Queenie to be of maturer years +than she in reality was. + +"It's Queenie Torrance, father. She was at school with me," Alex +repeated. "I've not seen her since she grew up--but she's only about a +year older than I am." + +"Indeed!" + +Curiosity as to the unanimity of masculine judgment made Alex appeal to +him with a question. + +"Do you think she's pretty, father?" + +"Exceedingly striking--beautiful, in fact," said Sir Francis. + +Queenie was not beautiful, and Alex knew it, but the glamour of her +magnetic personality was evidently as potent with older men as with +young Goldstein and his contemporaries. Alex felt a curious pang, half +of envy and half of wonder. + +Sir Francis put down his glasses. "A pity," he said deliberately, "that +she is not--altogether--" And raised his grizzled eyebrows. + + + + +VIII + +Goldstein and Queenie + + +Queenie Torrance spoke to Alex that night with characteristic suavity, +and showed pleasure at meeting her again. + +"Those old convent days seem a long way off, don't they?" she asked, +smiling a little. + +Her glance, sweeping the big ballroom, seemed to appraise its glories +and claim them for her own. + +It was the glance, rather than the words, to which Alex replied. + +"You're having a splendid time, aren't you, Queenie? You like being +grown-up?" + +"I adore it," said Miss Torrance, her eyes gleaming like stars. + +Alex did not wonder at it. + +Night after night she watched Queenie Torrance accepting as her right +the homage of innumerable men, halving the favour of her dances at +crowded balls where "wall-flowers" were too numerous to be rescued from +oblivion by the most determined of hostesses, going down to supper on +the arm of young Goldstein and lingering with him in prolonged +_tête-à-tête_. Goldstein, at the little round table across which he +leant, recklessly oblivious of comment, endeavouring, often fruitlessly, +throughout a whole evening, to obtain one direct look from those +widely-set, downcast eyes under their flaxen lashes. + +It was not easy, Alex found, to talk to Queenie. They often met at +entertainments, and once or twice in the Park, but Queenie never rode in +the mornings, as Alex sometimes did, and Lady Isabel did not allow her +daughter to take up the fashionable practice of bicycling in Battersea +Park, at which Queenie Torrance, in the neatest and most daring of +rational costumes, was reported to excel. Once Alex, as she had said +before in her childish days, asked Lady Isabel: + +"Mother, may I ask Queenie Torrance to tea here? We meet everywhere, and +it will be so odd if I never ask her to come here. Besides, I should +like to have her." + +"I'm sorry, Alex, but I'd rather you contented yourself with meetin' her +in society--if you do." + +"Why?" said Alex unwisely, urged by some mysterious unreason to provoke +the answer which she already anticipated with resentment. + +"She's not the sort of girl I should care about you being friends with +very much," said Lady Isabel without heat. "I hear she's already bein' +talked about." + +Alex knew what the words meant, uttered by her mother and her mother's +circle of intimates. + +"Why is she being talked about?" Alex asked rebelliously. + +"Any girl who goes in for being fast gets talked about," said Lady +Isabel severely. "And it does them no good in the long run either. Men +may flirt with girls of that sort, and like to dance with them and pay +them attention, but they don't marry them. A man likes his wife to be +simple and well-bred and dignified." + +"I'm sure heaps of people would like to marry Queenie." + +"How do you know?" Lady Isabel asked quickly. + +Alex did not reply. She only knew that men looked at Queenie Torrance as +they did not look at other women, and, true to the traditions of youth +and of the race to which she belonged, the admiration of a man for a +woman, to her inexperience spelt a proposal of marriage. + +"I don't want to be hard on a girl who is, after all, very young," said +Lady Isabel. "And, of course, her father doesn't look after her. She is +allowed to go to restaurants with him and every sort of thing.... It's +not the girl's fault exactly, though I don't like the way she dresses, +and a wreath of artificial flowers, or whatever it is she wears in her +hair, is thoroughly bad form. But one can't be too particular, Alex, and +I _do_ want you to make a success of things, and have the right friends +and not the wrong ones." + +The wistful anxiety in her mother's voice, no less than in her glance at +her daughter, made Alex wonder sensitively if, perhaps, she were +secretly somewhat disappointed. + +Certainly no overwhelming triumph had attended Alex' social career. She +was merely the newly-come-out daughter of a charming and popular mother, +less pretty than many of the season's débutantes, alternately +embarrassingly self-conscious, or else, when she found herself at her +ease, with an unbecomingly dictatorial manner. She had been led to +expect, from constant veiled references to the subject, that as soon as +she grew up, opportunity would be afforded her to attain the goal of +every well-born girl's destiny--that of matrimony. Girls who became +engaged to be married in their first season were a success, those who +had already twice, or perhaps thrice, been the round of London gaiety +with no tangible result of the sort, had almost invariably to give way +to a younger sister, in order that she, in her turn, might have "the +chances" of which they had failed to profit. + +Of young women of twenty-two or twenty-three years old, still going +yearly through the season, Lady Isabel merely said matter-of-factly: + +"What a pity!" + +For the first time, a disquieting twinge seized Alex, lest the same +words should apply to her. No one had shown her the faintest inclination +to ask her in marriage, or even express any particular admiration for +her. She could not imagine any of the men whom she knew falling in love +with her. + +At balls or dinner-parties, she made conversation with her partners. +They never grew to know one another more intimately. Sometimes she had +heard girls talk of looking forward to some forthcoming entertainment +because they knew that their particular friends would be there. + +She herself did not care. She was on the same terms with all of +them--polite, impersonal, mutually rather bored and boring. + +The nearest approach to intercourse other than merely surface that she +attained to, was with Queenie's most openly declared worshipper, Maurice +Goldstein. His manner to all women verged upon the effusive, and Alex +was secretly faintly ashamed of feeling slightly, but perceptibly, +flattered at the deference which he showed her, and even at his +favourite mannerism of gazing straight into her eyes as he shook hands +with her on meeting or parting. + +Although Lady Isabel never invited him to Clevedon Square, and sometimes +spoke of him as "that dreadful young Jew who seems to get himself asked +everywhere," she did not forbid Alex to dance with him, and he was the +only young man of her acquaintance who invariably asked her to keep a +second dance for him later in the evening. + +She felt greatly curious as to his sentiment for Queenie, partly from +youth's love of romance, partly from a desire to find out, if she could, +both the cause and the effect of the process known as "falling in love." + +If she knew more about it, she felt dimly, perhaps it might happen also +to her. + +One night, towards the end of the season, at the last big ball she was +to attend that year, Alex was taken down to supper by Maurice Goldstein. + +She was surprised, and for a moment flattered, for Queenie was also +present, although she had apparently vouchsafed him neither word nor +look. + +Goldstein gave Alex his arm and conducted her ceremoniously downstairs +to the supper-room. + +It was late in the evening, only four or five couples, or an occasional +group of three or four, lingered at the small, round, flower-decked +tables. + +"Shall we come here?" said Goldstein rather morosely. + +He selected a table in a remote corner, and as she took her seat, Alex +perceived that they were within sight of the alcove where sat Queenie +Torrance with her partner, a young Danish diplomat whom Alex knew only +by sight. + +"Who is that?" she asked almost involuntarily, as Goldstein's lowering +gaze followed the direction of her own. + +The young man beside her needed no more to make him launch out into +emphatic speech. + +Alex was half frightened, as she watched the glow in his eyes and the +rapid gesticulations of his hands, as though emotion had startled him +into a display of the racial characteristics that he habitually +concealed so carefully. + +He told her crudely that he adored Queenie, and that it drove him nearly +mad to see her in the company of other men. + +"But why don't you ask her to marry you?" exclaimed Alex innocently. + +Goldstein stared at her. + +"I have asked her fourteen times," he said at last with a slight gasp. + +"Fourteen times!" Alex was astounded. + +According to her preconceived notions a proposal was carefully led up +to, uttered at some propitious moment, preferably by moonlight, and then +and there either definitely accepted or rejected. + +"But I shouldn't have thought you'd even seen her fourteen times," she +remarked naïvely. + +"I see her every day," Goldstein said gloomily. "It's playing the deuce +with my business. You won't give me away, I know--you're her friend, +aren't you?--and people are so stupid and conventional, they might +talk." + +Alex remembered Lady Isabel. Was this what she had meant? + +"I can always manage to see her. I know her movements, and when I can +meet her, and when I may take her out to lunch or tea--some quiet place, +of course." + +Alex was puzzled. + +"But are you engaged?" + +"Yes, a thousand times!" he answered in low, vehement tones, and then +appeared to recollect himself. "She has never said no, although I can't +induce her to say yes," he admitted; "and I have to see her surrounded +and admired everywhere she goes, and have no hold on her whatever. If +she would only marry me!" he made a gesture of rather theatrical +despair, indicating the far corner where the young Dane still sat, +oblivious of everything but Queenie, drooping over the small round table +that separated them. + +"Cad! he's going to smoke," Goldstein muttered furiously below his +breath. + +The room had emptied, and Alex saw Queenie deliberately glance over her +shoulder, as though to make sure of being unobserved. Her eyes moved +unseeingly across Alex and Maurice Goldstein. The rest of the room was +empty. With a little half-shrug of her white shoulders she delicately +took a cigarette from the case that the diplomat was eagerly proffering. + +It was the first time that Alex had seen a woman with a cigarette +between her lips. She felt herself colouring hotly, as she watched, with +involuntary fascination, Queenie's partner carefully lighting the +cigarette for her, his hand very close to her face. + +She dared not look at Goldstein. The cheap vulgarity of Queenie's +display of modern freedom shocked her sincerely, nor could even her +inexperience blind her to the underlying motive governing Queenie's +every gesture. + +She fumbled hastily for her fan and gloves. + +"Shall we come upstairs again?" she asked in a stifled voice. + +Goldstein rose without a word. + +Alex, venturing to cast one glance at him, saw that his face had grown +white. + +As he took her back to Lady Isabel, he spoke in a quick, low, dramatic +voice between clenched teeth: + +"You saw? She knows she is driving me frantic; but after this--it's all +over." + +Alex was frightened and yet exultant at playing even a secondary rôle in +what seemed to her to be a drama of reality. + +An hour later, sitting, for the time being partnerless, beside her +mother, she saw Queenie re-enter the ballroom, followed by the Dane. + +Queenie's widely-set eyes were throwing a glance, innocent, appealing, +the length of the long room. At once her eyelids dropped again. But in +that instant Maurice Goldstein had left the wall against which he had +been leaning, listless and sulky-looking, and was making his way through +the lessening crowd. + +Alex, wondering, saw him reach the side of the tall, white-clad figure, +and claim her from the young diplomat. + +He gravely offered Queenie his arm, and Alex saw them no more that +night. She herself drove home to Clevedon Square beside Lady Isabel with +her mind in a tumult. + +She felt that for the first time she had seen love at close quarters, +and although a faint but bitter regret that the experience had not been +a personal one underlay all her sensations, she was full of excitement. + +"No more late nights after this week," said Lady Isabel, her voice +sleepy. "A rest will do you good, Alex. You are losing your freshness." + +Alex scarcely listened. She stood impatiently while the weary maid, +whose duty it was to sit up for her mistress's return, undid the +complicated fastenings of her frock, and took the pins out of her hair. + +"I'll brush it myself," said Alex hastily. "Good-night, mother." + +"Good-night; don't come down till lunch-time, Alex--we are not doing +anything." + +Alex carried her ball dress carefully over her arm and went up one more +flight of stairs to her own room, wrapped in her pink dressing-gown, and +with her hair loose on her shoulders. + +Sitting on the edge of her bed and gazing at her own reflection in the +big, swinging mirror, she made personal application of the small +fragment of human drama that she had just witnessed. + +What man would speak and think of her as Maurice Goldstein spoke and +thought of Queenie Torrance? + +When would any man's ardent glance answer hers; any man make his way to +her through a crowd in response to the silent summons of her eyes? + +She fell into one of the idle, romantic dreams evoked by a highly-strung +imagination, untempered by any light of experience. But the hero of the +dream was a nebulous, shadowy figure of fiction. No man of flesh and +blood held any place in the slender fabric of her fancies. + +It occurred to her, more with a sense of disconcertment than of that +panic which was to come later, that she did not possess the power of +drawing any reality from her communion with others, and that no intimacy +other than one of the surface had as yet ever resulted from any +intercourse of hers with her fellow-creatures. Her nearest approach to +reality had been that one-sided, irrational adoration of her schooldays +for Queenie Torrance, that had met with no return, and with so much and +such universal condemnation. + +Alex did not doubt that the condemnation was justified. The impression +left upon her adolescent mind remained ineradicable: it was wrong to +attach so much importance to loving; it was _different_, in some +mysterious, culpable way, to feel as she did--that nothing mattered +except the people one loved, that nothing was so much worth while as the +affection and understanding which one knew so well, from oneself, must +exist, and for the bestowal of which on one's own lonely, ardent spirit +one prayed so passionately; and all these desires, being wrong and +unlike other people, must at all costs be concealed and denied. Thus +Alex, placing the perverted and yet unescapable interpretation of her +disconsolate youth upon such experience of life as had been vouchsafed +to her. + +Still sitting on the side of the bed and facing the looking-glass, she +sought in her own reflection for traces of the spell wielded by Queenie +Torrance. She had not yet outgrown the belief that beauty and the power +to attract should be synonymous. + +Was she as pretty as Queenie? + +Her colour was bright and pure, and her hazel eyes reflected the brown +lights gleaming in her soft, tumbled hair, that fell no lower than her +shoulders. She reflected disconsolately on the undue prominence of the +two, white front teeth that the plate which had tormented her childhood +had just failed to render level with the others. + +Straight brows added to the regularity of her features, only the corners +of her mouth habitually drooping very slightly. The angularity which +Lady Isabel so regretted was sharply manifested in the exposed +collar-bones just above the open dressing-gown, and in the childishly +thin arms and wrists. With an odd, detached shrewdness, she appraised +the prominent attributes of her own appearance, its ungraceful +immaturity. + +As she got slowly into bed, she passed other, moral, attributes, in +fleeting review. + +Alex believed that one might be loved for one's goodness, if not for +one's beauty. But she could not suppose herself to be good. The +tradition of the nursery black sheep still clung to her. + +Should love come to her, she had nothing but the force of the answer +within her to bring to it, and that force she had been taught to think +of in the light of an affliction to be overcome. + +Yet Alex Clare fell asleep smiling a little, nursing the foolish, +romantic fancies that usurped the place of realities, and unaware that +the temperament which craves to give all, is often that of which least +will ever be asked. + + + + +IX + +Scotland + + +Queenie's engagement to young Goldstein was formally announced at the +beginning of the year following that one in which Alex made her début. + +"A most suitable match, I should imagine," was Lady Isabel's emphasized +comment. + +Alex was romantically delighted, and hoped for an opportunity of +obtaining first-hand impressions. + +Queenie, however, sent only the most conventional of notes in reply to +Alex' eagerly written congratulation, and Alex had only a glimpse of her +at the crowded wedding, exquisitely pale and pure under her veil, with +Goldstein, his swarthy face radiant and illuminated, at her side. + +Remembering the night when the young Jew had spoken to her freely of his +adoration for her friend, Alex, with awkward fervour, addressed a few +words of ardent congratulation to him. + +He showed his remarkably white teeth in a quick smile, brilliant with +triumph and happiness, and wrung her hand warmly; but alas! his eyes +failed to answer her gaze, and it was obvious that no deeper issues +between them held any place in his recollections. + +Alex went away vaguely disappointed and humiliated. + +She, who so longed for a first place, seemed doomed to relegation to the +ranks. Even at home there was no longer any excitement such as that +which had surrounded her launch into the great world, and Lady Isabel +occasionally betrayed a hint of disappointment that no family council +had as yet been required on the subject of Alex' future, such as those +which had punctuated the epoch of her own brief girlhood. + +Indeed it was rather Barbara who was the centre of attention. + +She still suffered from backache and general languor, consequent upon +over-rapid growth during the year she had spent on the flat of her back. +Old Nurse pitied and was much inclined to spoil her, dosed her +religiously with a glass of port at eleven o'clock every morning, and +supported her whining assertions that lessons with Mademoiselle made her +ill. + +"I want to go to school," said Barbara inconsistently. "Alex went to +school, so why shouldn't I?" + +"Darlin' child, you know very well that your father won't hear of girls +goin' to school. A convent is quite different--but I certainly shan't +send you to that sort of establishment, after the trick they played me +with Alex, sendin' her back round-shouldered, and with her hands all +chapped and red and covered with chilblains. _Never_ again," said Lady +Isabel. + +Barbara sulked. + +She sulked so long and so effectively that the unfortunate Mademoiselle +came of her own accord to implore that Barbara might be released from +the schoolroom. She was not learning anything, and her example was +making little Pamela naughty and defiant. + +"What a plague children are!" Lady Isabel said helplessly. + +She consulted her friends, drawing a plaintively humorous picture of the +recalcitrant young person, which, to the annoyance of Alex, caused a +certain amount of amused sympathy to be expressed in Barbara's favour. + +At last some one suggested that she should be sent abroad. Not to a +school or a convent, certainly not--every one was unanimous on that +point excepting one or two ultra-Catholic old aunts of Sir Francis--but +to a charming Marquise, living at Neuilly, and desirous of companionship +for her only child, a girl of about the same age as Barbara. + +"She will learn to speak French like a native, and have dancing and +singing lessons with the Hélène child, and go to all the art galleries +and places.... That girl of the Duchess went there to be finished just +before she came out, and _loved_ it, and she came back so much +improved--knowing how to put on her clothes, you know ... just the sort +of thing that makes all the difference." + +So spoke Lady Isabel's enthusiastic friends. + +Barbara was not consulted, but when the plans had been finally settled +upon and everything arranged, she was told, in accordance with the usage +of her day, that as she was so discontented and troublesome at home, her +parents felt obliged, for the sake of the younger children, to send her +away from them. Barbara, following her wont, said nothing at all, and +did not relax her pouting expression, but once back in the schoolroom +again, she jumped up and down on the sofa in a manner denoting +extravagant glee. + +"I knew they'd have to give in," she chanted. "I knew they would, I knew +they would." + +For a long while she teased Archie and Pamela by refusing to give them +any explanation, and at the same time exciting their curiosity by her +continual reference to an approaching triumphant emancipation for her, +until Cedric, home for the Easter holidays, and expert in the +administrations of schoolboy tortures, ruthlessly made use of them to +reduce his sister to her proper position of inferiority. + +Barbara was sent to Neuilly early in April, and Alex proceeded to enter +upon the second phase of her social career. + +It was less of a success than her first season had been. + +It was assumed that she had by this time made her own friends, and her +mother's contemporaries accordingly took less pains in the matter of +introductions on her behalf. + +If it be true that nothing succeeds like success, it is truer still that +nothing fails so completely as a failure. + +When Alex had sat out four or five dances at a ball, partnerless, her +conviction of her own social degradation was absolutely overwhelming. +Her surroundings only interested her as a background to her own +personality, and as she derived no pleasure, but only disappointment and +mortification, from the majority of the functions at which she was +present, her young, expressive face unconsciously advertised both her +vexation and the cause of it. + +Her youth and her vanity alike were in rebellion against the truth, +which she more than half divined, that she, who so longed to please and +to attract, was as utterly devoid of that magnetic charm possessed by +other girls in a lesser, and by Queenie Goldstein in supreme, degree, as +it was possible for a reasonably pretty and healthy young girl to be. + +Neither her health nor her beauty improved, moreover. + +Late hours, in her case, uncounteracted by the vivid sparkle of +enjoyment, drew unbecoming dark circles beneath her eyes, and the +physical fatigue always engendered in her by boredom was most +unmistakably manifested in her slouching shoulders and mournful pallor. + +"_Alex a son air bête aujourd'hui_." + +Memory mercilessly recalled to her the old gibe of her schoolmates +sometimes, as she felt, against her own will, her features stiffening +into the stupid "tragedy-queen" look which had met with the mocking of +her companions. + +"Do try and cheer up, darlin'," Lady Isabel sometimes said, with more +impatience than compassion in her voice, as she glanced at her daughter; +and the implication that her looks were betraying her feelings made Alex +more wretched and self-conscious than ever. + +She often saw Queenie Goldstein, as much surrounded as in the days +before her marriage, and her excessive _décolletage_ now enhanced by the +jewels showered upon her by her husband. + +Queenie once invited her to a dinner-party at her little house in Curzon +Street, but Alex knew that she would not be allowed to go, and showed +the invitation with great trepidation to her mother. + +"Very impertinent of her! Why, she's never been introduced to me. I +shouldn't dream of allowin' any daughter of mine to go and dine with +people whom I didn't know personally, even if they were _absolutely_ all +right." + +Lady Isabel, so easy-going and tepidly affectionate towards her +children, was adamant where her social creed was concerned. + +"In any case, Alex, I've told you before that I don't want you to go on +with the acquaintance. That Goldstein woman is gettin' herself talked +about, unless I'm very much mistaken." + +Again that mysterious accusation! Alex said no more, but wondered +naïvely how the phase that had been used in connection with Queenie +Torrance could still be applicable to Maurice Goldstein's wife. + +Surely married women did not flirt? The term, to Alex, symbolized she +knew not what of offensive coquetry, and of general "bad form." + +This belief had been inculcated into her as a precept but, nevertheless, +she could not divest herself of a secret suspicion that, although Lady +Isabel might have rebuked, she would not have been altogether averse +from a lapse or two in that direction on the part of her daughter. + +But Alex embarked upon no flirtation. The men who danced with her or +took her in to dinner never seemed desirous of talking personalities. +They made perfunctory remarks about the decorations of the tables, the +quality of the floor and the music, and the revival of the Gilbert and +Sullivan operas. + +The sense that the intercourse between them must be sustained by +conversation never left her for an instant. + +There had been one occasion when she had actually forgotten to think of +herself and of the effect she might be producing, and had joined with +real interest in a discussion about books with a man a great deal older +than herself, who happened to be placed next to her at a big dinner +party. Lady Isabel, opposite, had glanced once or twice at her +daughter's unusually animated expression. + +"You seemed to be gettin' on very well with the man on your other +side--not the one who took you down, but the oldish one," she said +afterwards in a pleased voice. + +"I never found out his name," said Alex. "He told me he wrote books. It +was so interesting; we were talking about poetry a lot of the time." + +Her mother's face lost something of its smile. "Oh, my darling!" she +exclaimed in sudden flattened tones, "don't go and get a reputation for +being _clever_, whatever you do. People do dislike that sort of thing so +much in a girl!" + +Alex, her solitary triumph killed, knew that there was yet another item +to be added to that invisible score of reasons for which one was loved +or disliked by one's fellow-creatures. + +Without formulating the conviction to herself, she believed implicitly +that in the careful simulation of those attributes which she had been +told would provoke admiration or affection, lay her only chance of +obtaining something of that which she craved. + +Dismayed, wearied, and uncheered by success, she continued to act out +her little feeble comedies. + +At the end of her second season she felt very old, and very much +disillusioned. This was not real life as she had thought to find it on +leaving schooldays behind her. + +There must be something beyond--some happy reality that should reveal +the wherefore of all existence, but Alex knew not where to find it. + +Morbidity was a word which had no place in the vocabulary of her +surroundings, but Lady Isabel said to her rather plaintively, "You must +try and look more cheerful, Alex, dear, when I take you about. Your +father is quite vexed when he sees such a gloomy face. You enjoy things, +don't you?" + +And Alex, in her complicated disappointment at disappointing her mother +and father, answered hastily in the affirmative. + +In the autumn, in Scotland, she met Noel Cardew again. + +They were staying at the same house. Alex felt childishly proud of +saying, when her hostess brought the young man to her side, with a word +of introduction: + +"Oh, but we've met before! I know him _quite_ well." + +She wished that she had spoken less emphatically, at the sight of Noel's +politely non-committal smile. It was evident that he had not the +faintest recollection of the meeting at his mother's house in +Devonshire. She reminded him of it rather shyly. + +"Oh, yes, of course. You were at school with my young cousins. I +remember you coming over to see us quite well, with your brothers. We +all played hunt the slipper or something, didn't we?" + +"Hide-and-seek," said Alex literally. She wondered why encounters which +remained quite vividly in her own memory should always appear to present +themselves so indistinctly and trivially to other people. + +"I haven't heard from your cousins for a long while. Are they in +America?" + +"Diana is in India, of course. She married, you know--a fellow in the +Indian Police." + +"I remember," said Alex, determined to ignore the tiny prick of jealousy +that now habitually assailed her almost every time that she heard of the +marriage of another girl. + +"Are the other two married?" she made resolute inquiry. + +"Oh, no. Why, Marie isn't properly grown-up yet. They are both in +America. I've some idea of going over to New York myself next year, and +I suppose I shall stay with their people. My uncle's at the Embassy, you +know." + +"It would be splendid to see New York," said Alex, with the old +imitation of enthusiasm. + +"I should like the journey as well," young Cardew remarked. "Board ship +is an awfully good way of studying human nature, I fancy, and I'm rather +keen on that sort of thing. In fact, I've a mad idea of perhaps writing +a book one of these days, probably in the form of a novel, because it's +only by gilding the pill that you can get the great B.P. to swallow +it--but it'll really be a kind of philosophy of life, you know, with a +good deal about the different sides of human nature. It may sound rather +ambitious, perhaps, but I believe it could be done." + +Alex assented eagerly, and wondered what the initials that he had +used--"the great B.P."--represented. She glanced at him sideways. + +He was even better-looking than he had been as a boy, his sunburn of a +deeper tan, and the still noticeable cast in one eye adding a certain +character to the straightness of his features. He had grown a little, +fair moustache, contrasting pleasantly with his light brown eyes. The +boyish immaturity of the loosely knit figure was obscured to her eyes by +the excellence of his carriage and his five foot eleven inches of +height. + +She was inwardly almost incredulously pleased when he chose the place +next to hers at breakfast on the following morning, and asked whether +she was going out to join the guns at lunch on the moors. + +"I think so," said Alex. She would have liked to say, "I hope so," but +something within her attached such an exaggerated importance to the +words that she found herself unable to utter them. + +"Well," said Noel, "I shall look out for you, so mind you come." + +Alex's gratification was transparently evident. She was the only girl of +the party, which was a small one; and Lady Isabel, declaring herself +obliged to write letters, sent her out at lunch-time under the care of +her hostess. + +They lunched on the moors with the five men, two of whom had only come +over for the day. + +Noel Cardew at once established himself at Alex' side and began to +expatiate upon the day's sport. He talked a great deal, and was as full +of theories as in their schoolroom days, and Alex, on her side, listened +with the same intense hope that her sympathy might continue to retain +him beside her. + +She answered him with eager monosyllables and ejaculations expressive of +interest. Without analysing her own motives, it seemed to her to be so +important that Noel Cardew should continue to address his attention +exclusively to her, that she was content entirely to sink her own +individuality into that of a sympathetic listener. + +When she dressed for dinner that evening and looked at herself in the +big mirror, it seemed to her that for the first time her own appearance +was entirely satisfactory. She felt self-confident and happy, and after +dinner, when the elders of the party sat down to play cards, she +declared boldly that she wanted to look at the garden by moonlight. + +"Rather," said Noel Cardew. + +They went out together through the open French window. + +Alex held up her long-tailed white satin with one hand, and walked up +and down with him under the glowing red globe of the full moon. Noel +talked about his book, taking her interest for granted in a manner that +flattered and delighted her. + +"I think psychology is simply the most absorbing thing in the world," he +declared earnestly. "I hope you don't fight shy of long words, do you?" + +Alex uttered a breathless disclaimer. + +"I'm glad. So many people seem to think that if any one says anything in +words of more than two syllables it's affectation. Oxford and that sort +of thing. But, of course, you're not like that, are you?" + +He did not wait for an answer this time, but went on talking very +eagerly about the scheme that he entertained for obtaining material for +his book. + +"It might revolutionize the whole standard of moral values in the +country," he said very simply. "You know, just put things in a light +that hasn't struck home in England yet at all. Of course, on the +continent they're far more advanced than we are, on those sort of +points. That's why I want to travel, before I start serious work. Of +course, I've got a mass of notes already. Just ideas, that have struck +me as I go along. I'm afraid I'm fearfully observant, and I generally +size up the people I meet, and then make notes about them--or else +simply dismiss them from my mind altogether. My idea is rather to +classify human nature into various _types_, so that the book can be +divided up under different headings, and then have a sort of general +summing up at the end. Of course, that's only a rough sketch of the +whole plan, but you see what I mean?" + +"Yes, I do," said Alex with conviction. "I've always, all my life, +thought that _people_ mattered much more than anything else, only I've +never found anybody else who felt like that too." + +"It's rather interesting to look at things the same way, don't you +think?" Noel enquired. + +"Oh, yes," Alex answered with shy fervour, her heart beating very fast. + +She was only anxious to prolong the _tête-à-tête_, and had no idea of +suggesting a return to the drawing-room, in spite of the damage that she +subconsciously felt the damp ground to be doing to her satin slippers. +But presently Lady Isabel called to her from the window, and she came +into the lighted room, conscious both of her own glowing face and of a +certain kindly, interested look bent upon her by her seniors. + + + + +X + +Noel + + +In the ensuing days, Alex met that look very often--a look of pleased, +speculative approval, pregnant with unspoken meanings. + +Noel sought her company incessantly, and every opportunity was given +them of spending time in one another's society. For five glowing, +heather-surrounded days and five breathless, moonlit evenings, they +became the centre of their tiny world. + +Then Lady Isabel said one night to her daughter: + +"You've enjoyed this visit, haven't you, darlin'? I'm sorry we're movin' +on." + +"Oh," said Alex faintly, "are we really leaving tomorrow?" + +"Tomorrow morning, by the early train," her mother assented cheerfully. + +The true instinct of the feeble, to clutch at an unripe prize lest it be +taken from them, made Alex wonder desperately if she could not postpone +her departure. + +But she dared not make any such suggestion, and Lady Isabel, looking at +her dismayed face, laughed a little as though at the unreason of a +child. Alex blushed with shame as she thought that her mother might have +guessed what was in her mind. That evening, however, Lady Isabel came +into her room as she was dressing for dinner. + +"I thought you'd like to put _this_ over your shoulders, Alex," she said +negligently. "It will improve that cream-coloured frock of yours." + +It was a painted scarf that she held out, and she stood gazing +critically while the maid laid it across Alex' shoulders. + +"You look so nice, darling child. Are you ready?" + +"Yes, mother." + +They went downstairs together. + +Alex was acutely conscious of a certain maternal pride and tenderness, +such as she had not experienced from Lady Isabel since the first days of +her return from Liège, when she had finally left school. She did not let +herself speculate to what such unusual emotion might portend. + +But at the sight of Noel Cardew, better-looking than ever in evening +clothes, a chaotic excitement surged up within her in anticipation of +their last evening together. + +Almost as she sat down beside him at the dinner-table, she said +piteously, "I wish we weren't going away tomorrow." + +"You're _not?_" + +"Oh, yes. Didn't you know?" + +"I hadn't realized it," said Noel, and although she avoided looking at +him, she noted with a feeling of triumph the dismay in his voice. + +"Oh, I say! What a shame. Must you really go?" + +"We're going to pay two more visits and then leave Scotland altogether." + +"I shan't stay much longer myself," observed Noel nonchalantly. + +Alex was conscious of keeping the words as it were at the back of her +mind, with the implication which she attached to them, while the +conversation at the small table became general. + +As she followed her hostess and Lady Isabel from the room, Noel, holding +open the door, said to her in a rapid, anxious tone, very low: + +"You'll come out into the garden afterwards, won't you?" + +An enigmatic "perhaps" was not in Alex' vocabulary. + +She gave him a quick, radiant smile, and nodded emphatically. + +It never occurred to her eager prodigality that she ran any risk of +cheapening the favours that so few had ever coveted. + +In the garden she moved along the gravelled walk beside him, actually +breathless from inward excitement. + +"There was heaps more I wanted to say to you about the book," Noel +remarked disconsolately. "I shan't have any one to exchange ideas with +now. They're all so old--and besides, I don't think English people as a +rule care much about psychology and that sort of thing. They're so keen +on games. So am I, in a way, but I must say it seems to me that the +study of human nature is a good deal more worth one's while." + +"People are so interesting," said Alex. She was perfectly aware of the +futility of her remark as she made it, but in some undercurrent of her +consciousness there floated the conviction that one need not put forth +any great powers of originality in order to obtain response from Noel +Cardew. + +"I can be perfectly _natural_ with him--we think alike," She defended +herself against her own unformulated accusation with inexplicable anger. + +"I think they're frightfully interesting," said Noel with conviction. +"Of course, men are far more interesting than women, if you don't mind +my saying so, simply from the psychological point of view. I hope you +don't think I'm being rude?" + +"Oh, _no_." + +"You see, women, as a general rule, are rather shallow, though, of +course, there are a great many exceptions. But you know what I mean--as +a rule they're rather shallow. That's what I feel about women, they're +shallow." + +"Perhaps you're right," said Alex, rather discouraged. She would not +admit to herself that his sweeping assertion awoke no echo whatever +within her. + +To her immaturity, the essence of sympathy lay in complete agreement, +and abstract questions meant nothing to her when weighed in the balance +against her desire to establish, to her own satisfaction at least, the +existence of such sympathy between herself and Noel Cardew. + +"I've got another mad plan," said Noel slowly. "You'll think I'm always +getting insane ideas, and this one rather depends on you." + +"Oh, what?" + +"I hope you won't mind my suggesting such a thing--" He paused so long +that Alex' imagination had time for a hundred foolish, ecstatic +promptings, such as her reason knew could not be forthcoming, but for +which her whole undisciplined sense of romance was crying. + +"Well, look here: what should you think of collaborating with me over +the book? I'm sure you could write if you tried, and anyway, you could +probably give me sidelights on the feminine part of it. It would be most +awfully helpful to me if you would." + +"Oh," said Alex uncertainly. She was invaded by unreasoning +disappointment. "But how could we do it?" + +"Oh, well, notes, you know--just keep notes of anything that struck us +particularly, and then put it in together later. We should have to do a +good deal of it by correspondence, of course.... I say, are you a +conventional person?" + +"Not in the least," said Alex hastily. + +"I'm glad of that. I'm afraid I'm rather desperately unconventional +myself. Of course, in a way it might be rather unconventional, you and +me corresponding--but would that matter?" + +"Not to me," said Alex resolutely. + +"That's splendid. We could do a lot that way, and then I hope, of +course, that you'll let me come and see you in London." + +"Of course," Alex cried eagerly. "I don't know the exact date when we +shall be back, but I could let you know. Have you got the address?" + +"Clevedon Square--" + +She hastily supplied the number of the house. + +"Oh, that's all right. I'm sure to forget it," said Noel easily; "but I +shall find you in the books, I suppose." + +"Yes," said Alex, feeling suddenly damped. + +She herself would have been in no danger of forgetting the number of a +house wherein dwelt any one whom she wished to see, but with disastrous +and quite unconscious humility, she told herself that it was, of course, +not to be expected that any one else should go to lengths equal to her +own. In her one-sided experience, Alex had always found herself to be +unique. + +That Noel Cardew was not in despair at the idea of her departure was +evident. But he repeated several times that he wished she were not going +so soon, and even asked whether she would stay on if invited to do so. + +"I'm sure they'd all love you to," he assured her. "Then Lady Isabel +could pay the other visits and call for you on her way back." + +"I'm sure I shouldn't be allowed to stay on by myself," said Alex +dolefully. + +"There you are! Conventionality again. _My_ daughters," said Noel +instructively, "if I ever have any, shall be brought up quite +differently. I've made up my mind to that. I daresay you'll laugh at all +these theories of mine, but I've always been keen on ideas, if you +remember." + +But for once Noel did not receive the habitual ready disclaimer called +for by his speech. + +His easy allusion to his hypothetical daughters had reduced Alex to +utter silence. + +Afterwards, alone in the darkness of her own room, she wondered why such +a startling sense of protest had revolted within her at his words, but +her mind shied away instinctively from the question, and she found +herself unable to pursue it. + +The next morning, in the unromantic atmosphere induced by an early +breakfast, and Sir Francis' anxiety to make sure of catching the +connection, politely concealed, but quite evident to the perceptions of +his wife and daughter, Noel Cardew and Alex exchanged their brief and +entirely public farewell. + +"I'll write about the book," was his cheerful parting assurance. + +"Don't forget," said Alex. + +Lady Isabel was rather humorous on the subject of _fin de siècle_ +emancipation, amongst the house party in the midst of which she and her +daughter found themselves that evening. + +"What are boys and girls coming to? I hear young men gaily promisin' to +write to Alex on all sorts of subjects, and making private assignations +with her," she declared amusedly. "Aren't you and that nice-looking +Cardew boy writin' a book in collaboration, or something, darling?" + +The slight jest was made popular amongst her seniors, and Alex was +kindly rallied about her modern freedom and assumption of privileges +undreamed of by the older generation. The inference obviously placed +upon her friendship with Noel Cardew was evident, and pleased her +starved vanity even more than the agreeable amount of flattery and +attention which at last was being bestowed upon her. + +It was her first hint of success achieved amid standards which she had +been taught to believe were all-prevalent. Brushed lightly by the +passing wing of triumph, she became eager and self-confident, even +rather over-clamorous in the assertion of her own individuality, as had +been the child Alex in the nursery at Clevedon Square. + +Lady Isabel did not check her. She made subtle exploitation of Alex' +youth and sudden, rather boisterous gaiety, and occasionally laughed a +little, and alluded to the collaboration scheme between her and Noel +Cardew. "But all the same, darlin' child," she observed to Alex in +private, "I can't have you correspondin' with young men all over the +country unbeknown to me. Once in a way is all very well, perhaps, but +you'll have to let me see the letters, I think." + +Alex was only mildly resentful of the injunction. She surmised shrewdly +enough that her mother was more anxious to establish the authentic +existence of a correspondence between Noel Cardew and herself than to +supervise the details of it. She herself waited with frantic, furtive +eagerness for his first letter. + +It did not reach her until after her return to London. Secretly bitterly +disappointed, she read the short, conventional phrases and the +subscription: + + "I never know how to end up a letter, but hope this will be all + right--Yours very sincerely, + + "NOEL E. CARDEW." + +Across the top of the front page was a postscript. + + "Next month I shall be in town. Don't forget that I am coming to + call upon you. I hope you won't be 'out'!" + +Alex, to whom nothing was trivial, saw the proposed call looming +enormous upon the horizon of her days. + +Every afternoon she either sat beside Lady Isabel in the carriage in an +agony, with only one thought in her mind--the expectation of finding +Noel's card upon the hall table on their return--or else took her part +disjointedly and with obvious absent-mindedness in the entertainment of +her mother's visitors. + +When, during a crowded At Home afternoon, in the course of which she had +necessarily ceased to listen for the sound of the front-door bell, "Mr. +Cardew" was at length announced, Alex felt almost unable to turn round +and face the entering visitor. + +Her own imagination, untempered either by humour or by experience, had +led her to picture the next encounter between herself and Noel so +frequently, and with such a prodigal folly of romantic detail, that it +seemed incredible to her that the reality should take place within a few +instants, amidst brief, conventional words and gestures. + +Noel did not talk about the book that they were to write together, +although he remained beside Alex most of the afternoon. Only just as he +was leaving, he asked cheerfully: + +"You've not forgotten our collaboration, have you, partner? I've heaps +of things to discuss with you, only you were so busy this afternoon, +looking after all those people." + +"We shall be in on Sunday," Alex told him eagerly, "and there won't be +such a crowd." + +"Oh, good," said Noel. "Perhaps we'll meet in the Park before that, +though." + +"I hope so," said Alex. + +They met in the Park and elsewhere, and Noel, all through the ensuing +weeks before Christmas, called often at the house in Clevedon Square. + +Lady Isabel twice asked him to dinner, but although he was once placed +next her, on neither occasion, to Alex' astonished resentment was he +assigned to her as a partner. + +Alex, for the first time conscious of being sought after, and receiving +with avidity the fragments that fell to her share, forced herself to +believe that they would eventually constitute that impossible whole of +which she had dreamed wildly and extravagantly all her life. + +Into the eager assents which she gave to all Noel's many theories, she +read a similarity of outlook, into her almost trembling readiness to +fall in with his every suggestion, a community of tastes, and into his +interminable expositions of his own views an appeal to her deeper +sympathies that surely denoted the consciousness of affinity between +them. + +She was happy, although principally in a nervous anticipation of +happiness to come. She was able, when alone, to imagine that from +absolutely impersonal good comradeship, Noel would suddenly plunge into +the impassioned declarations of her own fancy, but when she was actually +with him, his cool, pleasant, boyish voice dispelled the folly, and her +fundamental shyness, that never deserted her save in the realm of her +own thoughts, was relieved, with an intense and involuntary relief, that +it should be so. + +She saw Noel's father and mother again, and was greeted by the latter +with a bright and conditional affectionateness that inspected even while +it acclaimed. + +It was after this that the trend of Noel's thoughts appeared suddenly to +change, and he spoke to Alex of the place in Devonshire. + +"One's first duty is to the place, of course," he said reflectively, +"and I'm not at all sure that I oughtn't to look into the management of +an estate, and all that sort of thing, very thoroughly. Some day--a +long, long time hence, of course--I shall have to run our own place, and +I'm rather keen about the duties of a landlord, and improving the +condition of the people. I used to be a Socialist, as you know, but I +must say one's ideas alter a bit as one goes on through life, and I've +had some talks with the pater lately." + +He broke off, and looked rather oddly at Alex for a moment. + +"They want me to think of settling down, I believe," he said, almost +shyly. + +Alex spent that night in feverishly placing possible and impossible +interpretations on the words, and on the look he had given her. + +The sense of an approaching crisis terrified her so much that she felt +she would have given worlds to avoid it. + +The following evening it came. + +Most conventionally, she met Noel Cardew at an evening reception, and he +conducted her rather solemnly to a small conservatory where two chairs +were placed, conspicuously enough, beneath a solitary palm. + +An orchestra was just audible above the hum and buzz of conversation. + +"It's luck getting in here," said Noel. "I wanted to see you very +particularly tonight. I must say I never thought I should find myself +particularly wanting to see _any_ girl--in fact, I'd practically made up +my mind never to have anything to do with women--but I see now that two +people who had very much the same sort of ideas about life in general +could do a tremendous lot for a place, and for the country generally; +don't you agree?--and, of course--" He became hopelessly incoherent, +"... knowing one another's other's people it all makes such a difference +... I could never understand fellows running after Gaiety girls and +marrying them, myself!! After all, one's duty to the estate is ... and +then, later on, perhaps, if one thought of Parliament--" + +Alex felt that the pounding of her heart was making her physically +faint, and she raised her head desperately, in the hope of stopping him. +Noel met her eyes courageously. + +"I wish you'd let me tell our people that you--that we--we're engaged," +he said hoarsely. + +His words struck on Alex' ear almost meaninglessly. + +Irrationally in love as she was, with Love, she knew only that he was +asking something of her--that she had at last an outlet for that which +no one had ever yet desired. + +Unable to speak, and unconscious of bathos, she vehemently nodded her +head. + +Noel immediately took both her hands and shook them wildly up and down. + +"Thank Heaven, it's over," he cried boyishly. "You can't imagine how +I've been funking asking you--I thought you'd say yes, but one feels +such an awful fool--and I've never done it before. I say, Alex--I can +call you Alex now, can't I--you're like me, aren't you? You don't want +sentimentality. If there's one thing I bar," said the newly-accepted +lover, "it's sentimentality." + + + + +XI + +Engagement of Marriage + + +"I am engaged to be married," Alex repeated to herself, in a vain +endeavour to realize the height to which she must have now attained. But +that realization, by which she meant tangible certainty, for which she +craved, continually eluded her. + +The preliminary formalities, indeed, duly took place, from her own +avowal before a graciously-maternal Lady Isabel, to Noel's formal +interview with Sir Francis in the traditional setting of the library. + +After that, however, a freakish fate seemed to take control of all the +circumstances connected with Alex' engagement. + +Noel Cardew's father became ill, and in the uncertainty consequent upon +a state of health which his doctor declared might be almost indefinitely +prolonged, there could be no question of immediately announcing the +engagement. + +"Just as well, perhaps. We're all delighted about it, but they're both +young enough to wait a little while," Lady Isabel smilingly made the +best of it. "Next year will be quite time enough to settle anything." + +Her serenity was the obvious outcome of an extreme contentment. + +Alex found herself better able to regard herself in the light of one +betrothed in her mother's company than in that of Noel. He treated her +almost exactly as he had always done, with cheerful good-fellowship, and +only at the very outset of the engagement with any tinge of shyness in +his bearing. + +"Of course, I ought to have got a ring," he said very seriously, "but I +don't believe in taking any chances, and so, just in case there was any +hitch, I waited. Besides, I don't know what you like best--you'll have +to choose." + +Alex smiled at the words. There was a glamour about such a choice, even +beyond that with which her own sense of the romantic perforce enveloped +it. + +She wondered whether she would be allowed to go with Noel to a +jeweller's, or whether he would, after all, choose his token alone, and +bring it to her, and place it on her finger with one of those low, +ardently-spoken sentences which she could hear so clearly in her own +mind, and which seemed so strangely and utterly impossible in Noel's +real presence. + +But the arrival of Noel's ring, after all, took her by surprise. + +He had been lunching with them in Clevedon Square, when the jeweller's +assistant was announced, just as Lady Isabel was rising from the +luncheon-table. + +She turned enquiringly. + +"Noel?" + +"I told him to come here. I thought you wouldn't mind. You see, I want +Alex to choose her ring." + +"Oh, my dear boy! how very exciting! But may we see too?" + +Mrs. Cardew was also present. + +"Oh, rather," said Noel heartily. "We shall want your advice." + +They all trooped hastily into the library, where the man was waiting, +with the very large assortment of gleaming rings ordered for inspection +by Noel. + +"What beauties!" said Lady Isabel. "But, really, I don't know if I ought +to let him." + +She glanced at Mrs. Cardew, who said in a very audible voice: + +"Of course. He's so happy. It's quite delightful to watch them both." + +She was looking hard and appraisingly at the rings as she spoke. + +Alex looked at them too, quite unseeing of their glittering +magnificence, but acutely conscious that every one was waiting for her +first word. + +"Oh, how lovely!" she exclaimed faintly. + +She chid herself violently for the sick disappointment that invaded her, +not, indeed, at the matter, but at the manner of the gift. + +And yet she realized dimly, that it was impossible that it should have +happened in any other way--that any other way, indeed, would have been +as utterly uncharacteristic of Noel Cardew as this was typical. + +"Which do you like?" he asked her. "I chose all the most original ones I +could see. I always like unconventional designs better than conventional +ones, I'm afraid. Where's that long one you showed me this morning?" + +"The diamond marquise, sir?" The assistant deferentially produced it, +glancing the while at Alex. + +"That's it," said Noel eagerly. "Try it on, Alex, won't you?" + +He used her name quite freely and without any shyness. + +Alex felt more of genuine excitement, and less of wistful bewilderment, +than at any moment since Noel had first asked her to marry him, as she +shyly held out her left hand and the jeweller slipped the heavy, +beautiful ring onto her third finger. + +She had long, slim hands, the fingers rather too thin and the knuckles, +though small, too prominent for beauty. But, thanks to the tyranny of +old Nurse, and to Lady Isabel's insistence upon the use of nightly +glycerine-and-honey, they were exquisitely soft and white. + +The diamonds gleamed and flashed at her as she moved the ring up and +down her finger. + +"We can easily make it smaller, to fit your finger," said the jeweller's +assistant. + +"It really is beautiful. Look, Francis," said Lady Isabel. + +Alex' father put up his glasses, and after inspection he also exclaimed: + +"Beautiful." + +"You've such little fingers, dear, it'll have to be made smaller," said +Mrs. Cardew graciously. + +"Is it to be that one, then?" Lady Isabel asked. + +Alex saw that her mother's pretty, youthful-looking flush of pleasurable +excitement had mounted to her face. She herself, conscious of an +inexplicable oppression, felt tongue-tied, and unable to do more than +repeat foolishly and lifelessly: + +"Oh, it's lovely, it's perfectly lovely. It's _too_ beautiful." + +Noel, however, looked gratified at the words of admiration. + +"That's the one _I_ like," he said with emphasis. "I knew when I saw +them this morning that I liked that one much the best. We'll settle on +that one, then, shall we?" + +"You silly boy," laughed his mother, "that's for Alex to decide. Perhaps +she likes something else better. Try the emerald, Alex?" + +"Oh, this is lovely," repeated Alex again, shrinking back a little. +Furious with herself, she was yet only desirous that the scene should +not be prolonged any longer. + +"Come and look at it in the light?" The urgent pressure of Lady Isabel's +hand on her arm drew her into the embrasure of the window. + +"Alex," said her mother low and swiftly, all the time holding up her +hand against the light as though studying the ring. "Alex, you _must_ be +more gracious. What _is_ the matter with you?" + +"Nothing," said Alex childishly, feeling inclined to burst into tears. + +"Then for Heaven's sake do try and smile and show a _little_ +enthusiasm," said her mother with unwonted sharpness. + +Alex, scarlet, and most visibly discomposed, returned to the group round +the library table. + +Forcing herself to make some attempt at obeying her mother's behest, she +picked up the nearest jewel, two pearls in a prettily-twisted setting, +and began to examine it. + +"I like that design, too. It's original," said Mrs. Cardew. + +"Oh, but pearls are unlucky--she couldn't have pearls," protested Lady +Isabel. + +"They mean tears, don't they?" Alex contributed to the discussion, for +the sake of making her mother see that she was willing to do her best. + +"Are you superstitious?" Noel asked rather reproachfully. "I can't say I +believe in all that sort of thing myself, you know. In fact I make +rather a principle of doing things on a 13th, or walking under ladders, +and all the rest of it, just to prove there's nothing in it." + +Sir Francis fixed the young man benevolently through his monocle. + +"I presume, however, that in this instance you prefer not to tempt the +gods," he remarked affably, and Noel, always obviously in awe of his +betrothed's father, hastily agreed with him. + +"Then it's diamonds, is it?--unless Alex prefers the emerald." + +"I like the diamond one best," Noel reiterated. "I really pitched on +that one the minute I saw it. I like originality." + +"Well, it couldn't be lovelier," said Lady Isabel contentedly. + +The jeweller was shown out, leaving the diamond marquise ring, in its +little white-velvet case, on the table in front of Alex. + +Sir Francis opened the door for his wife and Mrs. Cardew. + +"Oh," said Noel urgently. "You _must_ stay and see her put it on." + +Both ladies laughed at the boyish exclamation, and Alex flushed scarlet +once more. + +Noel opened the case and looked proudly at his gift. + +"You must put it on for her," said his mother, "when it's been made +smaller." + +The hint was unmistakable. + +Noel held out the ring. + +"Let's see it on now at once, Alex. It can go back to the shop later." + +Alex, in a sort of utter desperation, thrust out her hand, and Noel, +politely and carefully avoiding touching it with his own, slipped the +heavy hoop over her finger. + +"Thank you," she stammered. + +There was another laugh. + +"Poor dears! Let's leave them in peace," cried Mrs. Cardew mockingly, +and rustled to the door again. + +"Did you ever see anything so young as they both are?" she murmured +sweetly to Lady Isabel, audibly enough for Alex to guess at the words, +if she did not actually hear them. + +She was thankful that they should no longer be watching her, and turned +with something like relief to Noel's gratified, uncritical looks. + +It became suddenly much easier to speak unconstrainedly. + +Perhaps she was subconsciously aware that of all of them, it was Noel +himself who would expect the least of her, because his demands upon her +were so infinitesimal. + +"It's a beautiful ring; thank you very, very much. I--" She stopped and +gulped, then said bravely, "I _love_ it." + +She emphasized the word almost without knowing it, as though to force +from him some response. + +Although she had never actually realized it, it was a word which, in +point of fact, had never yet passed between them. Noel's fair face +coloured at last, as his light eyes met her unconsciously tragical gaze. + +"_Alex a son air bête aujourd'hui._" + +With horrid inappropriateness, the hated gibe of her schooldays flashed +into Alex' thoughts, stiffening her face into the old lines of morbid, +self-conscious misery. + +Part of her mind, in unwilling detachment, contemplated ruefully the +oddly inadequate spectacle which they must present, staring shamefacedly +at one another across the glittering token of their troth. + +Frenziedly desirous of breaking the silence, heavy with awkwardness, +that hung between them, she began to speak hastily and almost at random. + +"Thank you so very much--I've never had such a lovely present--it's +lovely; thank you so much." + +"I thought you'd like it," muttered Noel, more overcome with confusion, +if possible, than was Alex. + +"Oh, yes, yes. It's lovely." + +"I thought you'd like something rather original, you know, not a +conventional one." + +"Oh, yes!" + +"You're sure you wouldn't rather have one of the others--that emerald +one that mother liked?" + +"Oh, no." + +"I dare say they'd let me change it, the man knows us very well." + +"Oh, no, no." + +"Well, I, I--I'm awfully glad you like it." + +"Yes, I _do_ like it. I--I think it's lovely." + +"I--I thought you'd like it." + +Alex began to feel as though she was in a nightmare, but she was +mysteriously unable to put an end to their sorry dialogue. + +"It's perfectly lovely, I think. I don't know how to thank you." + +Noel swallowed two or three times, visibly and audibly, and then took a +couple of determined steps towards her. + +"I think you--you'd better let me kiss you," he said hoarsely. "You +haven't yet, you know." + +Something deep down within Alex was surging up in angry bewilderment, +and she was sufficiently aware of a sense of protest to rebut it +indignantly and with lightning-swift determination. + +It was the humility of love that had prompted her lover to crave that +permission which should never have been asked. + +So she told herself in the flash of a moment, while she waited for +Noel's kiss to lift her once and for all into some far realm of romance +where trivial details of manifestation should no longer obscure the true +values of life. + +Unconsciously, she had shut her eyes, but at an unaccountable pause in +the proceedings, she opened them again. + +Noel was carefully removing his pince-nez. + +"I say," he stammered, "you're--you're sure you don't mind?" + +If Alex had followed the impulse of her own feelings, she must have +cried out at this juncture: + +"Not if you're quick and get it over!" + +But instead, she heard herself murmuring feebly: + +"Oh, no, not at all." + +She hastily raised her face, turning it sideways to Noel, and felt his +lips gingerly touching the middle of her cheek. Then she opened her eyes +again, and, scrupulously avoiding Noel's embarrassed gaze, saw him +diligently polishing his pince-nez before replacing them. + +It was the apotheosis of their anti-climax. + +Alex possessed neither the light-heartedness which +is--mistakenly--generally ascribed to youth, nor the philosophy, to face +facts with any determination. + +She continued to cram her unwilling mind with illusions which her +innermost self perfectly recognized as such. + +It was, on the whole, easier to place her own interpretation upon Noel's +every act of commission or omission when the shyness subsequent to their +first ill-conducted embrace had left him, which it speedily did. Easier +still, when intercourse between them was renewed upon much the same +terms of impersonal enthusiasm in discussion as in Scotland, and easiest +of all when Alex herself, in retrospect, wrenched a sentimental +significance out of words or looks that had been meaningless at the time +of their occurrence. + +When Noel went to Devonshire, whither his father by slow, invalid +degrees had at last been allowed to move, he said to Alex in farewell: + +"I shall expect to hear from you very often, mind. I always like getting +letters, though I'm afraid I'm not much good at writing them. You know +what I mean: I can write simply pages if I'm in the mood--just as though +I were talking to some one--and other days I can't put pen to paper." + +"I don't think I write very good letters myself," said Alex wistfully, +in the hope of eliciting reassurance. + +"Oh, never mind," said Noel consolingly. "Just write when you feel like +it." + +Alex, who had composed a score of imaginary love-letters, both on his +behalf and her own, tried to compensate herself the following evening +for the vague misery that was encompassing her spirit, by writing. + +She was alone in her own room, the fire had fallen into red embers, and +her surroundings were sufficiently appropriate to render attainable the +state of mind which she desired to achieve. + +As she involuntarily rehearsed to herself the elements of her own +situation, she lulled herself into a species of happiness. + +His ring on her finger, his letter on its way to her--she was going to +write to the man who had asked her to become his wife. + +There was really some one at last, Alex told herself, to whom she had +become the centre of the universe, to whom her letters would matter, to +whom everything that she might think or feel would be of importance. + +She remembered Maurice Goldstein, his knowledge of Queenie's every +movement, his triumphant rapture at being allowed to take her out to +luncheon or tea. Even now, Alex had seen him follow his wife with his +ardent, glowing gaze, as she moved, serene and graceful, round a crowded +room on the arm of some other man--and the look had made her heart throb +sympathetically, and perhaps not altogether unenviously. + +Almost fiercely she told herself that she had Noel's love. She was to +him what Queenie was to young Goldstein. + +To every rebellious doubt that rose within her, she opposed the +soundless, vehement assertions, that the indelible proof of Noel's love +lay in the fact that he had asked her to marry him. + +Gradually she persuaded herself that only her own self-consciousness, of +which she was never more aware than when with Noel, was responsible for +that strange lack, which she dared not attempt to define, lest in so +doing she should shatter the feeble structure built out of +sentimentality and resolute self-blinding. + +Partly because she instinctively craved a relief to her own feelings, +and partly because she had really almost made herself believe in the +truth of her own imaginings, Alex wrote her first love-letter, the shy, +yet passionately-worded self-expression of a young and intensely +romantic girl, in love with the thought of Love, too ignorant for +reserve, and yet too conscious of the novelty of her own experience for +absolute spontaneity. + +Alex did not sleep after she had written her letter, but she lay in bed +in the warm, soft glow of the firelight, and saw the square, white +envelope within which she had sealed her letter, leaning against the +silver inkstand on her writing-table. + +When the maid came to her in the morning, she brought a letter addressed +in Noel's unformed hand. + +It was quite short, and began: + +"DEAREST ALEX (is that right?)" + +It told her of the journey to Devonshire, of an improvement in the +invalid's state of health, and of Noel's own projected tour of +inspection round the estate, which he thought had been neglected by his +agent of late. + +"But I shall be able to put all that right, I hope, as I'm rather keen +about the housing of the poor, and questions of that sort. You might +look out for any decent book on social economy, will you, Alex?" + +The letter did not extend beyond the bottom of the second page, but Noel +was going to write again in a day or two, when there was more to tell +her, and with love to every one, he was hers for ever and a day, Noel. + +Alex' reply went to Trevose the same day, but the letter she had written +in the firelight, she burnt. + + + + +XII + +Christmas Pantomime + + +The engagement was not announced, but a good many people knew about it. + +Their congratulations pleased Alex, as did her mother's obvious pride +and satisfaction. + +She liked wearing her diamond ring, although she only did so at home, +and she even found pleasure in writing of her new dignities to Barbara +at Neuilly. + +In such trivial anodynes did Alex seek oblivion for the ever-increasing +terror that was gaining upon her. + +Noel came back from Devonshire after Christmas--and Lady Isabel +sometimes spoke tentatively to Alex of a wedding early in the season. + +"Jubilee year would be so charming for your wedding, my darling," she +said effusively. + +Alex thought of a white satin dress and long train, of orange blossom +and a lace veil, of bridesmaids, presents, the exciting music of +Mendelssohn's Wedding March, and the glory of a wedding-ring. On any +other aspects of the case her mind refused to dwell. + +Nevertheless, she made little or no response to her mother's hinted +suggestions. Neither Noel nor Alex ever exchanged the slightest +reference to their marriage, although Noel often discoursed freely of a +Utopian future for the tenantry at Trevose, the basis of which, by +implication, was his suzerainty and that of Alex. + +"I rather believe in the old-fashioned feudal system, personally. You +may say that's just the contrary of my old socialistic ideas, Alex, but +then I always think it's a mistake to be absolutely cast-iron in one's +convictions. One ought to assimilate new ideas as one goes through life, +and, of course, sometimes they're bound to displace preconceived +notions. I'm a tremendous believer in _experience_; it teaches one +better than anything else. Besides, Emerson says, 'Dare to be +inconsistent.' I'm keen on Emerson, you know. Are you?" + +"Oh, yes," said Alex enthusiastically, wishing to be sympathetic. "But I +only read Emerson a long while ago, when I was at school. Noel, were you +happy at school?" + +"Oh, yes," said Noel unemotionally. "The great thing at school is to be +keen, and get on with the other fellows. They were always very decent to +me." + +"_I_ wasn't very happy," said Alex. She was passionately desirous of +sympathy, and was full of youth's mistaken conviction, that unhappiness +is provocative of interest. + +Noel cheerfully and unconsciously disabused her of the idea. + +"Of course, girls don't have nearly such a good time as boys do at +school. But don't let's talk about rotten things like being unhappy. I +always believe in taking things as they come, don't you? I never look +back, personally. I think it's morbid. One ought always to be looking +ahead. I tell you what I'll do, Alex--I'll give you a copy of Emerson's +_Essays_. You ought to read them." + +Noel was very generous, and often made her presents. Alex was +disproportionately grateful, but to her extreme, though unavowed relief, +he never again claimed such a recognition as that which had followed the +bestowal of her engagement-ring. + +She drifted on from day to day, scarcely aware of her own unhappiness, +but wondering bitterly why this, the supreme initiation, should seem to +fail her so utterly, and still hoping against hope that the personal +element for which she looked so avidly, might yet enter into her +relation with Noel. + +One day she told herself, with shock of discovery, that Noel was +curiously obtuse. He had taken her with Lady Isabel and his brother Eric +to Prince's skating-rink. Alex did not skate, but she enjoyed hearing +the band and watching the skaters. Eric Cardew was among the latter, and +Alex recognized Queenie Goldstein, in magnificent furs. + +"Noel, do you see that very fair girl--the one in blue? She was my great +friend at school." + +Alex at the same instant saw a look of fleeting, but unmistakable +vexation on her mother's face at the description. + +"Why, that's Mrs. Goldstein, isn't it?" said Noel, screwing up his eyes +in an interested look. + +"Yes. I wish I could catch her eye." Alex was reckless of her mother. "I +haven't talked to her for such a long while. Do you know her?" + +"I've met her once or twice." + +"Couldn't you go and speak to her, and bring her over here?" asked Alex +wistfully. + +Noel looked at her, surprised. + +"I don't think I can do that. She wants to skate." + +"Of course not," broke in Lady Isabel. "Don't be a little goose, Alex. +What do you want her for?" + +"Oh, nothing," Alex replied dejectedly, and also very crossly. + +She was in the frame of mind that seeks a grievance, and her nerves were +far more overstrained than she realized. + +She felt a sudden, absolute anger when Noel said didactically: + +"I don't think it would be very good manners for me to go and force +myself on Mrs. Goldstein's notice. I don't know her at all well, and +there are heaps of people who want to talk to her--just look at all +those fellows!" + +"You might do it just to please me," muttered Alex, less from coquettery +than from injured pride. + +Noel became rather red, and after a minute he remarked in a severe +voice: + +"I must say, Alex, I think that's rather a ridiculous thing to say." + +Alex was silent, but from that day the spirit of resentment had at last +awakened within her. + +She became irritable, and although she still strove to persuade herself +that her engagement meant the ultimate realization of happiness, she +often spoke impatiently to Noel, and no longer sought to conform herself +to the type of womanhood which he obviously desired and expected to find +her. + +The old sense of "waiting for the next thing" was strong upon her, and +she spent her days in desultory idleness, since Lady Isabel made fewer +engagements for her, and Noel's calls upon her time were far from +excessive. + +She made the discovery then, less illuminating at the time than when +viewed afterwards in retrospect, that she could not bear to read novels. + +All of them, sooner or later, seemed to deal with the relations between +a man and a woman in love, and Alex found herself reading of emotions +and experiences of which her own seemed so feeble a mockery, that she +was conscious of a physical pang of sick disappointment. + +Was all fiction utterly untrue to life? or was hers the counterfeit, +while the printed pages but reproduced something of a reality which was +denied to her? + +She dared not face the question, and was further perplexed by the axiom +mechanically passed on by successive authorities in rebuke of her +childhood's passion for reading: + +"You can't learn anything about Real Life from story-books." + +At all events, Alex found the story-books of no solace to her mental +sickness, and turned away from their perusal with a sinking heart. + +She seldom quarrelled with Noel because, although he was sometimes +unmistakably offended at her petulance, he never lost his temper. On the +contrary, he argued with her at such length that Alex, although the +arguments left her quite unconvinced of the Tightness of his point of +view, often gave in from sheer weariness and the sense of hopeless, +exhausting muddle. + +She could visualize no possible eventual solution of the intangible +problem that somewhere lay heavy, undefined and undefinable, at the back +of all her thoughts. + +It seemed to her that such a state of affairs had endured for a +lifetime, and must extend into eternity, when her relations with Noel +entered into the inevitable crisis to which a fortnight's mutual fret +and dissatisfaction had been only the prelude. + +Sir Francis, graciously benevolent, invited Noel Cardew to make one of +an annual gathering that, for the Clare children, amounted to an +institution--to view the Christmas pantomime at Drury Lane. For more +years than any of them, except Alex, could remember, a box at the +pantomime had been the yearly almost the solitary, expression of Sir +Francis Clare's recognition of his younger children's existence as +beings other than merely ornamental adjuncts to their mother. + +Lady Isabel, who detested pantomimes, never joined the party, and Alex +could remember still--had, indeed, never altogether lost--the feeling of +extreme awe that rendered unnecessary old Nurse's severe injunctions to +the children as to the behaviour suitable to so great an occasion. + +This year, Barbara was at Neuilly, and it was considered inadvisable to +"unsettle" her by a return to London for the Christmas holidays. But +Cedric was at home, and Archie and Pamela, as clamorous as they dared to +be for their father's treat. + +Sir Francis did not sacrifice himself to the extent of foregoing late +dinner altogether, but he dined at seven o'clock, and issued what more +nearly approached to a royal mandate than an invitation, to Alex, Cedric +and Noel to bear him company. + +The big cuckoo clock in the hall still showed the hour as short of eight +o'clock when Pamela and Archie, the former muffled in a large pink +shawl, and both of them prancing with ill-restrained impatience, were at +last permitted to dispatch the footman in search of a cab. + +The carriage, in the opinion of Sir Francis, would be amply filled by +himself, his two daughters and Noel Cardew, and it was part of the +procedure that the boys should be allowed to journey to the theatre by +themselves in a hansom-cab. + +The streets were snowy, and as shafts of light from the street-lamps +fell across the crowded pavements and brilliant shop windows, still +displaying the Christmas decorations put up a month ago, something of +the old childish glamour surrounding the yearly festival came upon Alex. + +Pamela, already a modern child in the lack of that self-conscious awe of +their father that had kept Alex and Barbara tongue-tied in his presence, +nevertheless, had none of the modern child's _blasé_ satiety of parties +and entertainments of all kinds. + +The Drury Lane pantomime was her solitary annual experience of the +theatre, and she was proportionately prepared to enjoy herself to the +full. When Sir Francis, with kind, unhumorous smile, made time-honoured +pretence of having forgotten the tickets, Pamela gave Alex a shock by +her cheerful and unhesitating refusal to carry on the dutiful tradition +of her elder sisters and conform tacitly to the jest by a display of +pretended consternation. + +"Oh, no, I know you haven't forgotten them," Pamela cried shrilly. "I +saw you look at them just before we started. Besides, you said last year +you'd forgotten them, and you had them in your pocket all the time. I +remember quite well." + +She began to bounce up and down on the seat of the carriage, the +accordion-pleated skirts of her new pink frock billowing round her. + +"Sit still," said Alex repressively. She reflected that she herself as a +little girl, and even Barbara, had been very much nicer than was Pamela. + +She wondered what Noel had been like as a little boy, and looked at him +almost involuntarily. + +His glance met hers, and he smiled slightly. The response touched Alex +suddenly and acutely, and she felt a pang of remorse for the intense +irritation that his presence had often caused her lately. + +When the carriage stopped and he sprang out to offer her his hand in +descending, she gave hers to him with a tiny thrill, and her fingers +lingered for an instant in his, as though awaiting, almost in spite of +herself, an all-but-imperceptible pressure that was not forthcoming. + +"It's begun," gasped Pamela in an agony of impatience in the _foyer_. + +Sir Francis, always punctilious, placed Alex in the right-hand corner of +the box, the two children in the centre, and then, with a slight smile, +offered Noel his choice of the remaining chairs. + +Alex was conscious of a throb of gratification, perhaps more +attributable to vanity than to anything else, when the young man placed +himself just behind her own chair. + +Sir Francis, the comparative isolation of the engaged couple +sufficiently sanctioned by the family party surrounding them, +immediately disposed himself behind Cedric at the extreme left of the +box. + +The curtain went down to the sound of applause almost as they took their +places, and the lights were turned up. Alex looked round her. + +The huge house was everywhere sprinkled with groups of children--Eton +boys in broad, white collars such as Archie wore, little girls in white +frocks with wide pink or blue sashes and hair-ribbons. + +When the orchestra began a medley of old-fashioned popular airs, _Home, +sweet Home, Way down upon the Swanee River, Bluebells of Scotland_, and +the like, Alex overwrought, fell an easy victim to the cheap appeal to +emotionalism. + +In the irrational, passionate desire for reassurance that fell upon her, +she leant back until her shoulder almost touched Noel's. + +"Look at all those children!" she whispered, hardly knowing what she +said. + +Noel gazed at the stalls through his pince-nez. + +"The place is crammed," he said. "They say it's the best show they've +ever had. Of course, I haven't seen it yet, but my own idea about these +pantomimes is that they don't stick enough to the original story. Take +'Cinderella,' now, or 'The Babes in the Wood.' The whole thing is simply +a mass of interpolations--they never really follow the thread of one +idea all the way through. I can't help thinking it would be much better +if they did, you know. After all, a pantomime is supposed to be for +children, isn't it?" + +"Yes." + +Alex wondered what reply she had expected from him to her sudden +ejaculation, that the actuality should bring such a sense of ironical +disappointment. + +She leant forward again as the curtain went up. + +She was still child enough to enjoy a pantomime for its own sake, but +the swing of catchy tunes and sentimental ballads brought with them +something more than the easy heartache to which youth falls so ready a +victim. + +As the crash of the orchestra heralded a big scenic effect of dance and +colour, Noel leant a little towards her and began to speak. + +"Of course, it's a good show in its way. Look, Alex, you can see the man +manipulating the coloured lights, up there. If you lean right back into +this corner--there, up there." + +His voice was full of interest and almost of eagerness. Alex leant back +as he suggested and gazed obediently up at the lime-light operator, +although she felt no interest, but rather a faint distaste. + +"It's the ingenuity of these things I like," Noel's voice in her ear was +explaining. "Of course, the dancing's good, and the comic bits, though I +don't know that I care tremendously about that. They're always apt to be +rather vulgar, even in front of a lot of ladies and children. Pity, that +is. But take the songs, now, Alex; wouldn't you think that it would pay +some one to write really _good_ libretto, and get it taken on at a place +like this and set to decent music? The tunes are good enough, but it's +the words that are so poor, I always think." + +Alex listened almost without hearing. The time had gone by when she +could tell herself, with vehement attempt at self-deception, that such +assertions indicated a fundamental resemblance between her tastes and +those of Noel Cardew. + +She was now only unreasonably angry and disappointed because of her +baffled desire for the introduction, however belated, of a personal +element into their intercourse. + +She actually felt the tears rising to her throat as the evening wore on, +and an intolerable fatigue overcame her. + +Sitting upright became more and more of an effort, and the box seemed +narrow and over-full. + +The instinct of self-pity made her attempt to draw Noel's sympathy +indirectly. + +"Could you move back a little?" she half whispered. "I am getting rather +cramped." + +"Are you?" returned Noel with surprise, as he pushed his chair back. + +But he did not appear to be in the least concerned about the matter. She +looked at him once or twice and he met her glance absently. She knew +that her face must show signs of the fatigue that she felt, but she knew +also that they would not be perceptible to Noel. + +For a moment, one of the rebellious gusts of misery of her stormy +childhood shook Alex. + +_Why_--why should there be no one to care, no one to whom it mattered +that she be weary or out of spirits, no one to perceive, unprompted, +when she was tired? She realized what such instinctive protection and +care would mean to her, and the almost passionate gratitude with which +she could welcome and return such solicitude. + +But with Noel, she need not even exercise it. Had she loved him as she +had endeavoured to persuade herself that she did, instead of only the +figure of Love called by his name, Alex knew that Noel would have passed +by all the smaller manifestations of her love unheeding and +uncomprehending. + +Her gods were mocking her with counterfeit indeed. + +"You look tired, Alex," said her father's courteously-displeased voice. + +Alex knew that on the rare occasions when he personally supervised a +party of pleasure, Sir Francis liked the occasion to be met with due +appreciation. She gave a forced smile and sat rather more upright. + +"To be sure," her father said seriously, "it is a prolonged +entertainment." + +But Alex knew that neither Cedric, Archie nor Pamela would hear of any +curtailment of their enjoyment, and Pamela was already urgently +whispering that they _must_ stay for the clown--they always did. + +Sir Francis yielded graciously, evidently well-pleased, and they +remained in the theatre for the final humours of the harlequinade. + +Snow was actually falling when at length Sir Francis Clare's carriage +was discovered, and Alex, her always low vitality at its lowest, was +shivering with mingled cold and fatigue. + +"Get in, children," commanded their father. "Noel, my dear boy, we can +give you a lift, but pray get in--we must not keep the horses standing. +What a terrible night!" + +Crouched into a corner of the carriage, with Pamela half asleep on her +lap, Alex was conscious of the relief of the darkness and the swift +motion of the wheels. + +Noel was next her, and in the sudden sense of almost childish terror and +loneliness that possessed her, Alex sought instinctive comfort and +reassurance in the unavoidable contact. She leant against his shoulder +in the shelter of the dark, closely-packed carriage, and was sorry when +Clevedon Square was reached at last, and she found herself obliged to +descend. + + +"Good-night--thanks most awfully," said Noel at the door. "Good-night, +Alex. I say, I'm afraid you were frightfully jammed up in the corner +there--I'm so sorry, but I simply couldn't move." + + + + +XIII + +Decision + + +On making up her mind that she must break off her engagement, Alex, +unaware, took the bravest decision of her life. + +She was being true to an instinctive standard, in which she herself only +believed with part of her mind, and which was absolutely unknown to any +of those who made up her surroundings. + +She hardly knew, however, that she had taken any resolution in her many +wakeful nights and discontented days, until the moment when she actually +put it into execution. She wrote no eloquent letter, entered into no +elaborate explanation such as would have seemed to her, after the manner +of her generation, theoretically indispensable to the situation. + +She blurted out three bald words which struck upon her own hearing with +a sense of extreme shock the moment they were uttered. + +"It's no use." + +Noel looked hard at her for a moment, and then did not pretend to +misunderstand her meaning. + +"What, us being engaged?" + +His intuitive comprehension, of which Alex had received so little proof +ever before, might be unflattering, but it struck her with immense +relief. + +"Yes." + +They gazed at each other in silence for a few moments, and Alex was +furious with herself for a phrase sprung from nowhere that reiterated +itself in her brain as she looked at Noel's handsome, inexpressive +face--"_Fish-like flaccidity_...." + +And again and again "_Fish-like flaccidity._" + +They were in the drawing-room at Clevedon Square, and Noel, as though +seeking to relieve his obvious embarrassment by moving, got up and +walked across the room to the window. + +"Of course, I've felt for some time that you weren't very happy about it +all, and naturally--if you feel like that...." + +All the seething disappointment and wounded vanity and aching loneliness +that had tortured her since the very first moments of her engagement to +Noel Cardew, rushed back on Alex, but she sought vainly for words in +which to convey any part of her feelings to him. + +It would be like trying to explain some abstruse principle of science to +a little child. The sense of the utter uselessness of any attempt at +making clear to him the reasons which were chaotic even to herself, +paralysed Alex' utterance. + +"I don't think it's any use going on," she repeated feebly. + +"You're perfectly free," Noel assured her scrupulously; "and though, of +course, I--I--I--you--we--it would be--" He broke off, very red. + +Alex wished vaguely that it was possible for them to talk it all out +quite frankly and dispassionately with one another, but the hard, +crystalline detachment of the generation that was to follow theirs, had +as yet no place in the scheme of things known to Noel and Alex. + +They made awkward, conventional phrases to one another. + +"Naturally," the boy said with an effort, "the whole blame must rest +with me." + +"Oh, no, I'll tell father and mother that I wanted to--to--break it +off." + +Alex stopped, conscious that she could not think of anything else to +say. + +But rather to her surprise, it appeared that Noel had something else to +say. + +He faced her with hands thrust into his pockets, his hair and little, +fair moustache and his brown eyes looking very light indeed contrasted +with his flushed face. + +"Of course, you're absolutely free, as I said, only I must say, Alex, +that you're making rather a mistake. Every one was awfully pleased about +it, and we've known each other since we were kids--since _you_ were a +kid, at any rate--and a broken engagement--well, of course, I don't want +to say anything, naturally, but it _does_ put a girl in a--a--well, in +what's called rather an invidious position. Especially when it isn't as +though there was any particular reason for it." + +"The principal reason--" Alex began faintly, not altogether certain of +what it was that she was about to say. + +"You see, I always thought we should hit it off together so well. We +always did as kids--when you were a kid, I mean," Noel explained. "We +always seemed to like the same things, and have a good deal in common." + +"I don't think that you liked any of the things _I_ cared about +especially," Alex said, with a flash of spirit. + +"What does that matter?" Noel demanded naïvely, "so long as one of us +likes the things that the other does? It would be exactly the same +thing." + +Alex had never told herself, and was therefore quite unable to tell +Noel, that she had never liked anything particularly, except his liking +for her, which she had striven almost frenziedly to gain and retain by +means of an artificially-stimulated display of sympathetic interest in +his enthusiasms. + +"There's another thing--I don't know whether I ought to say it to you, +quite--but, of course, after one's--well, married--there's a lot more +one has in common, naturally." + +"Yes," said Alex forlornly. She quite believed it. + +There was an awkward silence. + +"Are you angry, Noel?" + +She did not think he was at all angry, or very violently moved in any +way, but she asked the question from an instinctive desire to hear from +him any expression of his real feelings. + +He replied stiffly, "Not at all. Of course, it's much better that you +should say all this in time ... as I say, I've felt for some time that +you weren't particularly cheerful. But I must say, Alex, I'm dashed if I +know why." + +"I don't know why, exactly--except that I--I don't feel as if +we--really--cared enough for one another--" + +Alex spoke with a pause between each word, blushing scarlet, as though +it really cost her a physical effort to break through the barrier of +reserve that she had been taught so relentlessly should always be +erected between her own soul and the naked truth of her own sensations +and intimate convictions. + +Noel blushed too and Alex felt that he was shocked, which increased her +own self-contempt almost unbearably. + +"Naturally, if I hadn't--" he left a blank to supply the words, "I +shouldn't have asked you to be engaged to me. I must say, Alex, I think +you're rather exacting, you know." + +Alex quivered from head to foot, as though he had insulted her most +brutally. She, who had shrunk, with a genuine dread that had surprised +herself, from Noel's few, shyly-uttered endearments, and had found so +entire a lack of response in herself to his occasionally-attempted +displays of tenderness, to be accused of having been exacting! + +She did not for an instant realize, what even Noel faintly surmised, +that she had indeed been exacting, of a romantic fervour which she was +as incapable 'of inspiring as he of bestowing; from which, had it +existed, the outward expressions of love would have leapt spontaneously, +supremely appropriate, and necessary to them both. + +In the mental chaos and muddle of their extreme youth, they looked at +one another confused and bewildered, almost like two children suddenly +conscious of the magnitude of their own naughtiness. + +Noel said, rather proudly, as though one of the children suddenly tried +to appear grown-up: + +"You must allow me to undertake the distressing task of--breaking it +to--_them_." + +Alex almost shuddered, so acute was her own apprehension of the +disclosure to her father and mother. + +"I shall tell mother at once," she said, lacking the courage even to +mention Sir Francis. + +It was typical of the whole time and circumstances of their brief +engagement that both Noel, and, in a lesser degree, Alex, had looked +upon the relation into which they had entered as one in which their +parents held the stakes and were of primary concern. They themselves +were only puppets for whom strings were pulled, so as to cause certain +vibrations and reactions over which they had no personal control. + +This belief, unformulated by either, and entirely characteristic of a +late Victorian generation, was, perhaps, that which they held most in +common. + +Alex even wondered whether she ought to wait and speak to Lady Isabel +before taking the next step which she had in mind, but her desire to try +and raise their trivial, shamefaced parting to a higher level by one +dramatic touch, was too strong for her. + +She slowly pulled the diamond engagement-ring off her finger, and handed +it to him. + +"Oh, I say," stammered Noel. He looked miserably undecided, and she knew +that he was wondering whether he could not ask her to keep it just the +same. + +But in the end he slipped it into his pocket, after balancing it +undecidedly for a moment in the palm of his hand. + +She sat on the sofa, her left hand feeling strangely bare, unweighted by +the heavy, glittering hoop, and Noel looked out of the window. + +"I think I shall go abroad," he announced suddenly, and with mingled +relief and mortification, Alex detected the sound of satisfaction latent +in his voice. She felt that he thought himself to be doing the proper +thing in the circumstances, and the sting inflicted on her pride by his +acquiescence in their parting, though she had expected nothing else, +gave her the sudden impulse necessary to rise and cross the room until +she stood beside him at the window. + +"Please forgive me, Noel." + +"Oh, there's nothing to forgive," he returned hastily. "Of course, if +you feel like that, it's all over." + +He looked at her steadily and Alex felt the suspicion rush over her that +he was trying obliquely to convey a warning to her that if she dismissed +him now, it would be of no use to recall him later. + +Alex felt passionately that in the depths of his stubborn vanity lay the +truest presentment of himself that Noel would ever show her. If there +was another side to his personality--and she was dimly willing to +believe it for all her utter ignorance of him--the power to call it +forth did not dwell in her. + +Her momentary feeling of anger gave way to humiliation, and she half +held out her hand. + +"Good-bye, Noel," she said humbly. + +As though to atone for the lack of feeling in his tone, Noel wrung her +hand until it hurt her, as he replied automatically: "Good-bye, Alex." + +"I suppose we shall never meet again," thought Alex, with all the +finality of youth, and felt dazed as she saw him open the door. + +Mechanically, she rang the bell in order that the servants downstairs +might know that he was leaving, and come into the hall to find his hat +and stick and to open the door for him. + +Lady Isabel had instilled into Alex that it was part of her +responsibility in grown-up life to ring the bell for departing guests, +as unostentatiously as possible, at just the right moment, and every +time that she remembered to do it, she always felt rather proud of +herself. + +This time she thought: + +"It's the last time Noel will ever be in this room with me. He is going +right out of my life." + +She was quite unconsciously trying to awaken in herself an anguish of +regret that might yet justify her to herself in recalling her lover. + +If he turns round at the door and says, "Alex!" She tried to cheat +herself with a hope that was yet not a hope. + +Noel turned at the door. + +In a solemn, magnanimous voice he said: + +"Alex! I don't want you to feel--ever--that you need reproach yourself, +whatever any one may say. Remember that, if"--he suddenly looked like a +rather frightened little boy--"if there's a great fuss." + +Then the door closed very quietly behind him, and Alex heard him go +downstairs slowly. + +It seemed to her that Noel's farewell had plumbed the final depth of his +inadequacy. + +Presently she sank into an armchair before the fire, and tried to +visualize the effects of her own action. + +She was principally conscious of a certain amazement, that a step which +seemed likely to have such far-reaching consequences should have been so +largely the result of sudden impulse. She had not thought the night +before of breaking off her engagement. It had all happened very quickly +in a few minutes, when the sense of tension which had hung round her +intercourse with Noel had suddenly seemed to reach an unbearable pitch, +so that something had snapped. Was this how Important Things happened to +one through life? + +Alex felt that she could not believe it. + +But a broken engagement--could there be anything more important, more +desperate? Alex felt with melancholy satisfaction that at least it was +real life, as she had always imagined it, full of drama and tragedy. +With, of course, a glory of happiness as final climax, that would make +up for everything.... More physically tired than she knew, Alex +abandoned herself dreamily to the old, idle visions of the wonderful, +perfect love that should come to crown her life. There was no faint, +latent sense of disloyalty to Noel now, in returning to her old dreams, +that had been hers in one form or another ever since her childish ideal +of a perfect friend who would always understand, and yet love one just +the same. + +It was with a violent start that Alex came back to reality again. She +had dismissed Noel Cardew, had given him back his beautiful diamond +engagement-ring, and now she would have to tell her father and mother, +with no better reason to adduce than her own caprice. + +She felt sick with fright. + +She remembered Sir Francis's silent but unmistakable pride and pleasure +in his engaged daughter, and Lady Isabel's additional display of +affection, and even of deference to Alex' taste in choosing her frocks +and hats, and her own sense of having at last atoned to them both for +her unsatisfactory childhood and lack of any conspicuous social success, +such as they had coveted for her. + +Alex, cowering in her chair now, wondered how she could face them. Her +only shred of comfort lay in the remembrance that Lady Isabel had said +to her: + +"My darlin', I'm so thankful to know you are marrying for love." + +Alex, in bitter bewilderment, remembered those words again and again in +the days which followed. + +No one reproached her, she heard hardly a word of blame, and the most +severe censure spoken to her was in her mother's soft voice, far more +distressed than angry. + +"But, Alex, do you know what people say, about a girl who's behaved as +you have? That she's a vulgar _jilt_, neither more nor less. To throw +over a young man after being engaged to him for four weeks, with no +reason except a capricious fit.... Oh, my darling, _why_ couldn't you +have asked me first? To go and give him back that lovely ring, and hurt +and insult him.... Of course, he'll never come back. Your father says +how well he's behaved, poor boy.... Alex, Alex, what shall I do with +you?" + +Tears were running down her pretty face, so slightly lined even now. + +Alex cried too, from pity for her mother and wretched, undefined +remorse, and a growing conviction that in acting on her own distorted +impulse she had once more involved herself, and, far worse, others, in +far-reaching and disastrous consequences. + +"Thank Heaven, we hadn't announced the engagement, but, of course, it +will all get about--things always do. And there's nothing worse for a +girl than to get that sort of reputation, especially when she's not--not +tremendously sought after, or pretty or anything." + +Lady Isabel had never before come so near to an avowal that her eldest +daughter's career had proved a disappointment to her, and Alex in the +admission, rightly gauged the extent of her mother's dismay. + +"Why did you do it, Alex?" + +Alex tried haltingly to explain, but she could only say: + +"I--I felt I didn't care for him enough." + +"But you hadn't had time to find out! You accepted him when he proposed, +so you must have been quite ready to like him then, and you'd only been +engaged for four weeks. How could you tell--a little thing like you?" +wailed Lady Isabel. + +"Oh, Alex, if you'd only come to me about it first--I could have +explained it all to you--girls often get fancies about being in love." + +"I thought you wanted me to marry for love. You said so," sobbed Alex. + +"Of course, I don't want you to marry without it. But it's the love that +comes _after_ marriage that really counts--and a boy you'd known all +your life, practically--that we all liked--you could have been ideally +happy, Alex." Lady Isabel looked at her almost resentfully. + +"I don't know what will happen to you, my darling, I don't indeed. I +sometimes think you are just as headstrong and exaggerated as when you +were a little girl. And, Alex, I don't like even to say such a thing to +you--but--there's never been any one _but_ Noel, and I'm afraid this +isn't the sort of thing that makes any man.... Nothing puts them off +more--and no wonder." + +Alex thought momentarily of Queenie, but she knew that was different. In +the supreme object of woman, to attract, Queenie stood in a class apart. +Nothing that Queenie could ever do would ever rob her of the devotion +that was hers, wherever she chose to claim it, by mysterious right of +attraction. + +From her father, Alex heard very little. She was left, in her abnormal +sensitiveness, to measure his disappointment and mortification by his +very silence. + +Feeling again like the naughty little girl who had been responsible for +Barbara's fall from the balusters, and had been sent to Sir Francis for +sentence, she listened, in a silence that was broken only by the sobs +that she could hardly control, to his few, measured utterances. + +"You are old enough to know your own mind." Sir Francis paused, swinging +his glasses lightly to and fro in his hand. Then he deliberately put +them across his nose and looked at her. + +"At least," he added carefully, "I suppose you are. Your mother tells me +that you appear to have been--er--rather suddenly overwhelmed by a fear +of marrying without love. I don't wish to say, Alex, that such a +sentiment was not more or less proper and natural, but to act upon it so +hastily, and with such a heartless lack of consideration, appears to me +to be the action, my dear child"--Sir Francis paused, and then added +calmly--"of a fool. The word is not a pretty one, but I prefer it to the +only other alternative that I can see, for describing your conduct." + +"Have you anything to say, my dear?" + +Alex had nothing to say, and would, in any case, have been rendered by +this time powerless of saying it. Sir Francis looked at her with the +same grief and mortification on his handsome, severe face that had been +there eight years before when the nursery termagant, sobbing and +terrified, had stood before him in her short frock and pinafore. + +"You could have asked advice," he said gently. "You have parents whose +only wish is to see you happy. Why did you not go to your mother?" + +Alex tried to say, "Because--" but found that the only reason which +presented itself to her mind was her own conviction that Lady Isabel +would not have understood, and she dared not speak it aloud. + +The Claire axiom, as that of thousands of their class and generation, +was that parents by Divine right knew more than their children could +ever hope to learn, and that nothing within the ken of these could ever +prove beyond their comprehension. + +Sir Francis shook his head sadly. + +"I will tell you, my poor child, since you will not answer me, why you +did not seek your mother's advice. It was because you are weakly +impulsive, and by one act of impetuous folly will lay up for yourself +years of unavailing remorse and regret." + +Alex recognized with something like terror the truth of his description. +Weakly impulsive. + +She had blindly followed an instinct, and, as usual, all her world had +blamed her and she had found herself faced by consequences that appalled +her. + +Why must one always involve others? + +She ceased to see clearly that marriage with Noel Cardew would have +meant misery, and blindly accepted the vision thrust upon her by her +surroundings. She had hurt and disappointed and shamed them, and they +could only see her action as a cruel, capricious impulse. + +Alex, weakly impulsive, as Sir Francis had said, and sick with misery at +their unspoken blame and silent disappointment, presently lost her +always feeble hold of her own convictions, and saw with their eyes. + + + + +XIV + +Barbara + + +Alex became more and more unhappy. + +It was evident that Lady Isabel felt hardly any pleasure now in taking +her daughter about with her, and the consciousness of not being approved +rendered Alex more self-conscious and less sure of herself than ever. + +It was inevitable that one or two of her mother's more intimate friends +should know of her affair with Noel Cardew, and it did not need Lady +Isabel's occasional sorrowful comments to persuade Alex that they took +the same view of her conduct as did her parents. The sense of being +despised overwhelmed her, and she fretted secretly and lost some of her +colour, and held herself worse than ever from the lassitude that +overwhelmed her physically whenever she was bored or unhappy. + +Towards Easter Lady Isabel sent for Barbara to come home from Neuilly. + +Alex revived a little at the idea of having Barbara at Clevedon Square +again. + +She thought it would impress her younger, still schoolgirl sister to see +her as a fully-emancipated grown-up person, and she could not help +hoping that Barbara, promoted to being a confidante, would thrill at the +first-hand story of a real love affair and a broken engagement. Alex was +prepared to attribute to Noel a romantic despair that had not been his, +at her ruthless dismissal of him, in order to overawe little, +seventeen-year-old Barbara. + +But behold Barbara, after those months spent in the household of the +Marquise de Métrancourt de la Hautefeuille! + +No need to tell _her_ to keep her shoulders back. + +She was not quite so tall as Alex, but her slim figure was exquisitely +upright. Encased in French stays that made even Lady Isabel gasp, she +wore, with an air, astonishing French clothes that swung gracefully +round her as she moved, and her hair, which had developed a surprising +ripple, was gathered up at the back of her head with a huge, outstanding +bow of smartly-tied ribbon that seemed to form a background for the +pale, pointed little face, that was still Barbara's, but had somehow +acquired an elusive charm that actually seemed more distinguished than +ordinary, healthy English prettiness. + +And the self-assurance of the child! + +Alex was disgusted at the ease with which Barbara, hitherto shy and +tongue-tied in the presence of her parents, chattered lightly to them on +the evening of her return, and offered--actually offered unasked!--to +sing them some of her new songs. "New songs" indeed, when it was only a +year ago that she had written to ask whether she might have a few +singing lessons with the Marquise's daughter! But neither Sir Francis +nor Lady Isabel rebuked her temerity, and they even exchanged amused, +approving glances when the slim, upright figure moved lightly across the +room to the big grand piano. + +Alex, in her pink evening dress, with her elaborately-coiled hair, felt +infinitely childish and awkward as she watched Barbara slip off a new +gold bangle from her little white, rounded wrist, and strike a couple of +chords with perfect self-assurance. + +She was going to play without music! It was absurd; Barbara had never +been musical. + +Certainly the voice in which she sang a couple of little French +_ballades_, was a very tiny one, but there was a tunefulness, above all, +a vivacity, about her whole performance which caused even Sir Francis to +break into unwonted applause at the finish. Alex applauded too, +principally from the desire to prove to herself that it would be +impossible for _her_ ever to feel jealous of little Barbara. + +When they had sent her to bed, Lady Isabel laughed with more animation +than she often displayed. + +"How the child has developed!" + +"Charming, charming!" said Sir Francis. "We must show her something of +the world, I think, even if she is rather young." + +But it soon became evident, to Alex, at least, that Barbara had not been +without glimpses of the world, even at Neuilly. She listened with +interest, but very coolly, to Alex' attempted confidences, and finally +said, "Well, I can't imagine how you could have borne to give up the +diamond ring, and it would have been fun to get married and have a +trousseau and a house of your own. But I don't think Noel would make +much of a husband." + +The calm disparagement in her tone annoyed Alex. It seemed to rob her +solitary conquest of any lingering trace of glory. + +"I don't think you know very much about it," she said rather scathingly. +"You haven't met any men at all, naturally, so how can you judge?" + +Barbara laughed. + +Something of security that would not even take the trouble to dispute +the point, pierced through that cool, self-confident little laugh of +hers. + +Later on, she told Alex, with rather overdone matter-of-factness, that a +young Frenchman, a cousin of Hélène de la Hautefeuille, had fallen very +much in love with her at Neuilly. + +Alex at first pretended not to believe her, although she felt an +uncomfortable inward certainty that Barbara would never waste words on +an idle boast that could not be substantiated. + +"You need not believe me if you don't want to," said Barbara +indifferently. + +"But how could you _know_? I thought the Marquise was so particular?" + +"So she was. They all are, in France, with _jeunes filles_. It's +ridiculous. But, of course, as Hélène was his cousin, they weren't quite +so strict, and he used to give her notes and things for me." + +"Barbara!" + +"You needn't be so shocked, Alex. Of course, _I_ never wrote to +_him_--that would have been too stupid; but he's very nice, and simply +madly in love with me. Hélène said he always admired _le type Anglais_, +and that I was his ideal." + +Alex was thoroughly angered at the complacency in Barbara's voice. + +"You and Hélène are two silly, vulgar, little schoolgirls. I didn't +think you could be so--so common, Barbara. What on earth would father +and mother say?" + +"I daresay they wouldn't mind so very much," said Barbara calmly, "so +long as they didn't know about the notes and our having met once or +twice in the garden." + +"I don't believe it!" exclaimed Alex. "You think it sounds grown-up, and +so you're exaggerating the whole thing." + +Barbara looked at her sister, with her eyebrows cocked in a provoking, +conceited sort of way, not angrily, but rather contemptuously. + +"Really, Alex, to hear you make such a fuss about it, any one would +think that you'd never set eyes on a man. Of course, that sort of thing +happens as soon as one begins to get grown-up. It's part of the fun." + +"You know mother would say it was vulgar." + +It was almost a relief to see one of Barbara's rare blushes at the word. + +"I don't see why it should be more vulgar than you and Noel." + +"How can you be so ridiculous! Of course, that was quite different. We +were both grown-up, and properly engaged and everything." + +"Alex," said Barbara suddenly, "when you were engaged, did he ever kiss +you?" + +Alex turned nearly as scarlet as her sister had been a moment before. + +"Shut up!" she said savagely. A thought struck her. "You don't mean to +say you ever let that beastly French boy try to do anything like that?" +she demanded. + +"No, no," said Barbara hastily; "of course not. But he's not such a boy +as all that, you know. He has a moustache, and he's doing his _service +militaire_ now. Otherwise," said Barbara calmly, "I daresay he would +have followed me to England." + +"You conceited little idiot! He must have been laughing at you." + +Barbara shrugged her shoulders, with a gesture that had certainly not +been acquired in Clevedon Square. + +"You'll see for yourself presently," she remarked. "He's going to get +his _permission_ next month, and he's coming to London." + +"You don't suppose you'll be able to go sneaking about writing notes and +meeting him in corners _here_, do you?" cried Alex, horrified. + +Barbara looked at her disdainfully, and gave deft little pulls and pats +to the bow on her hair, so that it stood out more than ever. + +"What on earth do you take me for, Alex? Of course, I know as well as +you do that that sort of thing can't be done in London. It will all be +perfectly proper," said Barbara superbly. "I have given him permission +to call here." + +Alex remained speechless. + +She was quite unable to share in the tolerant amusement with which her +parents apparently viewed the astonishing emancipation of Barbara, +although it was true that Barbara still retained a sufficient sense of +decorum to describe M. Achille de Villefranche to them merely as "a +cousin of Hélène's, who would like to come and call when he is in +London." + +Lady Isabel acceded to the proposed visit with gracious amusement, and +Alex wondered jealously why her own attempts to prove grown-up and like +other girls never seemed to succeed as did Barbara's preposterous, +demurely-spoken pretensions--until she remembered with a pang that, +after all, _she_ had never had to ask whether admiring strangers might +call upon her. She knew instinctively that however much Lady Isabel +might exact in the way of elaborate chaperonage, she would secretly have +welcomed any such proof of her daughter's attraction for members of the +opposite sex. + +One day Barbara, more boastful or less secretive than usual, showed Alex +one of Achille's notes, written to her on the day that she had left +Neuilly. + +Alex deciphered the pointed writing with some difficulty, and then +turned first hot and then cold, as she remembered the few letters she +had ever received from Noel Cardew, written during the period of their +lawful, sanctioned engagement, when she had so fiercely told herself +that, of course, a man was never romantic on paper, and that his very +reticence only proved the depth of his feeling. + +And all that time Barbara, utterly cold and merely superciliously +amused, had been the recipient of this Latin hyperbole, these +impassioned poetical flights: + + "_Ma petite rose blanche anglaise_ + _Ma douce Sainte Barbe._" + +(Good Heavens! he had never seen Barbara in one of her cold furies, when +she would sulk in perfect silence for three days on end!) And finally, +with humble pleadings that he might be forgiven for such a +_débordement_, Achille apostrophized her as "_ma mignonne adorer._" + +Alex could hardly believe that it was really Barbara who had inspired +these romantic ebullitions. + +"How did you answer him?" she asked breathlessly. + +"I didn't answer at all," Barbara coolly replied. "You don't suppose I +was so silly as that, do you? Why, girls get into the most awful +difficulties by writing letters and signing their names, and then the +man won't let them have the letters back afterwards. Achille has never +had one single scrap of writing from me." + +Alex felt as much rebuked as angered by this display of worldly wisdom. +She knew, and was sure that Barbara, pluming herself over her own +shrewdness, knew also, that had she herself been able to provoke similar +protestations, no considerations of prudence or discretion would have +restrained the ardour of her response. + +During the Easter holidays Barbara remained in the schoolroom, sometimes +playing with Archie and Pamela, but generally engaged on one of the many +forms of embroidery which she appeared to have learned at Neuilly, or +diligently practising her French songs at the schoolroom piano. + +She did not appear to be at all envious of Alex' grown-up privileges, +for which Alex felt rather wonderingly grateful to her, until one day +when she was out driving with Lady Isabel, when a sudden enlightenment +fell upon her. + +"What do you think of this ambition of little Barbara's?" her mother +asked her, with a trace of hesitation. + +"What?" asked Alex stupidly. + +"Why, this frantic wish of hers to be presented next May and allowed to +make her début. She will be seventeen, after all, and she seems to have +set her heart on it." + +"Barbara! She wants to be presented and come out in May! Why, it's +nearly April now, mother. That would mean in another six weeks." + +Alex was stupefied. + +"Hasn't she said anything to you?" said Lady Isabel, with a sort of +vague, unperceiving wonder. "Funny little thing! I thought she would +have been sure to have talked it all over with you. She's been beggin' +and implorin' us ever since she got back from Neuilly, and your father +is half inclined to say she may." + +How like Barbara! Begging and imploring them to let her be presented +next May, and all the time saying nothing at all to Alex, and slyly +pretending to care nothing for coming out, and listening with deceptive +quiet to Alex' little occasional speeches made to mark the difference +between twenty and seventeen. No doubt Barbara knew very well that she +would get her own way by dint of ardent pleading, and did not want the +effect of her arguments and reasonable-sounding representations to be +spoilt by Alex' vigorous protest. + +For, of course, Alex was indignant. Why should Barbara come out when she +was barely seventeen, when her sister had had to wait until the orthodox +eighteen? + +Alex might not value her privileges highly, but she was far from wishing +Barbara to share them. + +In the depths of her soul was a lurking consciousness that neither did +she want sharp-eyed, critical Barbara to see how poor and dull a figure +her sister cut, after the imaginary triumphs of which she had so often +boasted. + +Lady Isabel might be disappointed, but she never voiced her +disappointment or hinted at it, and Alex thought she tried to conceal it +from herself. But Barbara would not be disappointed. She might be rather +pleased, and make the small, veiled, spiteful comments by which she +occasionally, and always unexpectedly, paid one back for past slights or +unkindnesses. + +Alex felt that she could not bear any further mortifications. + +The question of Barbara's coming out was still undecided, principally +owing to Alex's strenuous efforts to persuade her mother not to allow +it, when M. Achille de Villefranche made the ceremonious visit to +Clevedon Square which Barbara had announced. + +He came on a Sunday, so soon after three o'clock that Lady Isabel's +luncheon guests had barely departed, and sat on the extreme edge of his +chair, a slim, beautifully-rolled umbrella between his knees, and his +silk hat balanced on the top of it. His tie was tied into an astonishing +bow with out-spread ends that irresistibly reminded Alex of Barbara's +hair-ribbon. + +He spoke excellent English, very rapidly, but occasionally lapsed into +still more rapid French, in which he poured forth his enthusiasm for +"cette chère île des brouillards," which description of her native land +was fortunately uncomprehended by Lady Isabel. + +Altogether Achille was so like a Frenchman on the stage that Alex almost +expected to see him fall upon his knees in the drawing-room when Barbara +demurely obeyed the summons sent up to the schoolroom by her mother, and +appeared in her prim, dark-blue schoolroom frock. He certainly sprang to +his feet with a sort of bound, but any further intentions were +frustrated by his elegant umbrella, which got between his feet and +nearly tripped him up, and sent his beautiful top-hat rolling into the +furthest corner of the drawing-room. + +Alex had to recognize that Achille behaved with great presence of mind, +even taken at such a disadvantage. He bowed over Barbara's hand, at the +same time kicking his umbrella carelessly aside. He waved a contemptuous +hand which made the behaviour of his hat a thing of no account, and he +did not even trouble himself to retrieve it until Barbara was seated, +when he strolled away to pick it up in a nonchalant manner, talking all +the time of other things. + +But in spite of the high-handedness of Achille, Alex felt that the whole +affair was of the nature of a farce, and was ashamed of herself for +deriving unmistakable satisfaction from the conviction that no one could +take Barbara's conquest seriously. + +Even Sir Francis, who found Achille still discoursing in the +drawing-room on his return from the Club at seven o'clock, indulged in a +little mild chaffing of his younger daughter when M. de Villefranche +amid many bows, had finally taken his leave. + +Barbara responded with a sprightly amiability that she had never +displayed in her pre-Neuilly days, and which Alex angrily and +uncomprehendingly perceived both pleased and amused Sir Francis. + +"But I am not sure I approve of your taste in the selection of your +admirers, my dear," he said humorously, his right hand lightly swinging +his glasses against his left. + +"I have never met any Englishmen, you know, father," said Barbara +piteously, opening her eyes very wide. "If mother would only let me come +out this year and see a few people!" + +Alex was aghast at Barbara's duplicity, recognizing perfectly her +manoeuvre of implying that only her mother's consent was still required +for her début. + +"Well, well, well," said Sir Francis, wearing the expression of an +indulgent parent; "but surely young ladies are expected to wait till +their eighteenth birthday?" + +"Oh, but I _should_ so like a long frock," sighed Barbara, her head on +one side--an admirable rendering of the typical "young lady" known and +admired of her father's generation. + +Sir Francis laughed, unmistakable yielding foreshadowed in his tone, and +in the glance he directed towards his wife. + +"'Gad! Isabel, we shall have a regular little society butterfly on our +hands; what do you think?" + +Lady Isabel, also smiling, nevertheless said almost reluctantly, as +though to imply that assent would be in defiance of her better judgment: + +"Of course, this year will be exceptionally gay because of the Jubilee. +I should rather like her to come out when there is so much going on, but +I don't quite know about taking two of them everywhere." She glanced at +Alex and sighed almost involuntarily. It was impossible not to remember +the tentative plans that they had discussed so short a while ago for a +brilliant wedding that should take place, just when all London was busy +with festivals in honour of the Queen's Diamond Jubilee. The same +recollection shot like a pang through Alex, feeling the pain of her +mother's disappointment far more acutely than her own humiliation, and +making her speak sharply, and almost unaware of what she said, sooner +than endure a moment's silence: + +"You can take Barbara instead of me. I hate balls and I'm sick of going +to things." + +She was horrified at the sound of the words as she spoke them, and at +her own roughened, mortified voice. + +There was a moment's silence. + +"That," said Sir Francis gently and gravely, "is neither a very gracious +nor a very dutiful speech, Alex. Your mother has spared herself neither +trouble nor fatigue in conducting you to those entertainments organized +for your pleasure and advantage, and it is a poor reward for her many +sacrifices to be told with a scowling face that you are 'sick of going +about.' If those are your sentiments, I shall strongly advise her to +consult her own convenience in the future, instead of making everything +give way to your pleasures, as she has done for the last two years." + +Lady Isabel looked distressed, and said, "It is very difficult to know +what you want, Alex. If you'd only say!" + +"I don't want anything; I'm quite happy," began Alex, overwhelmed with +the sense of her own ingratitude; and by way of proving her words she +began to cry hopelessly, although she knew that Sir Francis could not +bear tears, and that anything in the nature of a scene made Lady Isabel +fed ill. + +"Control yourself," said her father. + +They all looked at her in silence, and her nervousness made her give a +loud sob. + +"If you are hysterical, Alex, you had better go to bed." + +Alex was only too thankful to obey. Still sobbing, she received the +conventional good-night kiss which neither she nor her parents would +have dreamed of omitting, however deep their displeasure with her, and +left the room reproaching herself bitterly. + +They had all been so cheerful before she spoilt it all, Sir Francis in +unwontedly good spirits, and both of them pleased at the harmless +amusement caused by Barbara's visitor. + +"I spoil _everything_," Alex told herself passionately, and longed for +some retreat where she might be the solitary victim of her own +temperament, and need not bear the double pang of the vexation and grief +which she inflicted upon others. + +She did not go downstairs to dinner, and soon after eight o'clock +Barbara came in and told her that there was supper in the schoolroom for +both of them. + +"Though after this," said Barbara importantly, "I shall be having dinner +properly in the dining-room quite soon. They are going to let me put up +my hair, and I _think_ they will let me be presented at a late +Drawing-room, though they won't promise. It was settled after you went +upstairs." + +"Are they vexed with me?" asked Alex dejectedly. + +"Not particularly. Only disappointed." + +Alex would rather have been told that they were angry. + +She had not spirit enough left to snub Barbara, discoursing untiringly +of all that she meant to do and to wear, until at last her younger +sister remarked patronizingly: + +"Cheer up, Alex. I believe you're afraid of my cutting you out. But we +shall be quite different styles, you know. I can't hope to be a beauty, +so I shall go in for being _chic_. Hélène always says it pays in the +long run. By the bye, Achille thought you were very pretty." + +"How do you know?" + +"He told me so." + +"Nonsense! How could he? I was in the room the whole time." + +"Oh, there are ways and means," retorted Barbara, tossing her head. + +Alex would not gratify her by asking further questions. To her habitual +fashion of ignoring slights until it became convenient to repay them, +however, Barbara added now an impervious armour of self-satisfaction at +the prospect of her approaching entry into the world. + +She even, three months later, received with no other display of feeling +than a rather contemptuous little laugh, the elaborately-worded _lettre +de faire part_ which announced the approaching marriage of Hélène de +Métrancourt de la Hautefeuille to her cousin, Achille Marie de +Villefranche. + + + + +XV + +Diamond Jubilee + + +All that summer every one spoke of "Jubilee weather," and London grew +hotter and sunnier and more crowded day by day. + +Alex found herself wishing, fretfully and almost angrily, that she could +enjoy it all. But the sensation of loneliness that had always oppressed +her, although she did not analyse it, was always most poignant amongst a +great number of people, and her listlessness and self-absorption in +society at last caused Lady Isabel to ask her gently, but with +unmistakable vexation, whether she had rather "leave most of the +gaieties to little Barbara, to whom it's all new and amusing." + +"Why?" asked Alex, startled. + +"My darling, I can see you're not very happy, and I quite understand +that, of course, one doesn't get over these things in a minute," said +Lady Isabel, with a sigh for the memory of Noel Cardew. "This will be +your third season, and I had hoped it would be the best of them all, +what with the Jubilee celebrations and everything--but if you're rather +out of heart with the gaieties just now, I don't want to force you into +them, poor child." + +Lady Isabel gazed with wistful, puzzled eyes that held nothing but +uncomprehending perplexity at her disappointing eldest daughter. Alex +knew that she was wondering silently why that daughter, expensively +educated and still more expensively dressed, admittedly pretty and +well-bred, should still lack any semblance of attractiveness, should +still fail to achieve any semblance of popularity. + +Alex herself wondered drearily if she was always destined to find +herself out of all harmony with her surroundings. She never questioned +but that the fault lay entirely in herself, and a sort of fatalism made +her accept it all with apathetic matter-of-factness. + +She gave inert acquiescence to Lady Isabel's tentative suggestion that +most of the invitations pouring in daily should be accepted on Barbara's +behalf only, partly because she hated being taken out with her sister, +who was always critical and observant, and partly from sheer desire that +Lady Isabel should no longer have the mortification of watching a social +progress, the indifference of which Alex regarded with morbid +exaggeration. + +Barbara, rather to Alex' surprise, although enjoying herself with a sort +of quiet determination, proved to be exceedingly shy, but in two months +she had achieved several gushing, intimate friendships with girls rather +older than herself, which led to her receiving innumerable invitations +to tea-parties, a form of entertainment always abhorred by Alex, but +from which Barbara generally returned with one or two new acquaintances, +who were sure to claim dances from her on meeting her at subsequent +balls. + +She was not very pretty, and evening dresses, displaying her thin arms +and shoulders, took away from the effect of smartness that she had +acquired in France, but she danced exceptionally well, and was seldom +left partnerless. + +Alex often wondered what Barbara, who was notoriously silent and awkward +with strangers, could find to talk about to her partners. + +It did not occur to her that Barbara made an art of listening to them. + +The climax of the season's festivities was reached on the blazing day +towards the end of June, when the Jubilee procession wound its way +through the flagged and decorated streets, with the small, stout, +black-clad figure in the midst of it all, bowing indefatigably to the +crowds that thronged streets and windows and balconies and even, when +practical roofs. + +A window of Sir Francis' Club in Piccadilly was placed by him, with some +ceremony, at the disposal of his wife, his eldest son up from Eton, and +one daughter, but it was evident that he would regard any further +display of family as rather excessive, and Alex herself suggested that +she should see it all from a window in Grosvenor Place which had been +procured for Pamela and Archie, under the care of old Nurse, and various +minor members of the household. + +"But that would be so dull!" protested Lady Isabel, shocked. + +"Alex can do as she pleases, my dear," said Sir Francis stiffly. + +He was not pleased with his eldest daughter, and imagined that her +evident shrinking from society arose, not from her acute perception of +this fact, but from shame at the recollection of her behaviour towards +Noel Cardew, which Sir Francis in his own mind stigmatized as both +dishonourable and unladylike. The further reflection he gave to the +matter--and reflection with Sir Francis was never anything but +deliberate--the more seriously he resented his daughter's lapse from the +code of "good form," and the harassed look which she was gradually +causing to mar his wife's placid beauty. + +He would have liked Alex to be prettily eager for pleasure, as were the +young ladies of his day and ideal, and he regarded her obvious +discontent and unhappiness as a slur on Lady Isabel's exertions on her +behalf. + +Very slowly, with the dull implacability of a man slow to assimilate a +grievance, and slower still to forgive what he does not understand, Sir +Francis was becoming angry with Alex. + +"Let her do as she likes, Isabel," he repeated. "If the society we can +provide is less amusing than that of children and servants, by all means +let her join them." + +Lady Isabel did not repeat his words to Alex. She only said: + +"Your father says, do as you like, darlin'. We shan't have over-much +room, of course, especially as we have asked so many people for lunch +afterwards, but if you really cared about comin' with us, I could manage +it in a minute--" + +She paused, as though for Alex' eager acclamation, but Barbara broke in +quickly: + +"There won't be _much_ room, with all those people coming, will there? +And father always says that one grown-up daughter at a time is enough, +so if Alex really doesn't want to come it seems a pity...." + +So Alex, with an unreasonable sense of injury, that yet was in some +distorted way a relief to her, as showing her not to be alone in fault, +watched the procession from Grosvenor Place, with Archie flushed and +shouting with excitement, and Pamela, in curly, cropped hair and Liberty +silk picture frock, such as was just coming into fashion, breaking into +shrill cheers of rather spasmodic loyalty, as she fidgeted up and down +the length of the bunting-hung balcony. + +Alex, on the whole, was sorry when it was all over, and the two children +ordered into the carriage by Nurse for the return to Clevedon Square. + +She declared that she was going to walk home across the Park, partly +because the crowds interested her, partly to assert her independence of +old Nurse. + +"Then you'll take James with you, in a crowd like this," the old +autocrat declared. + +"Nonsense, I don't want James. You'll come with me, won't you, Holland?" + +"Yes, Miss," said the maid submissively. + +Since Barbara's coming out, the sisters had shared a maid of their own, +and Holland very much preferred Alex, who cared nothing what happened to +her clothes, and read a book all the time that her hair was being +dressed, to the exacting and sometimes rather querulous Barbara. + +They found the Park comparatively free from people. Every one had gone +to find some place of refreshment, or had made a rush to secure places +for the return route of the procession from St. Paul's Cathedral. + +Flags streamed and waved in the sunshine, and swinging rows of little +electric globes hung everywhere, in readiness for the evening's display +of illuminations. + +Alex suddenly felt very tired and hot, and longed to escape from the +glare and the noise. + +She wondered whether, if Noel had been with her, she could have taken +part in the general sense of holiday and rejoicing, sharing it with him, +and whilst her aching loneliness cried, "Yes," some deeper-rooted +instinct warned her that a companionship rooted only in proximity brings +with it a deeper sense of isolation than any solitude. + +Her steps began to flag, and she wished that the way through the Park +did not seem so interminable. + +"Couldn't we find a cab, Holland? I'm tired." + +"It won't be easy, Miss, today," said the maid, a disquieted eye roving +over the Park railings to the dusty streets where pedestrians, indeed, +thronged endlessly, but few vehicles of any sort were to be discerned. + +Alex would have liked to sit down, but none of the benches were +unoccupied, and, in any case, she knew that Lady Isabel would be shocked +at her doing such a thing, under no better chaperonage than that of a +maid. + +Quite conscious of her own unreason, she yet said fretfully: + +"I really can't get all the way home, unless I can sit down and rest +somewhere." + +She had only said it to relieve her own sense of fatigue and +irritability, and was surprised when Holland replied in a tone of +reasonable suggestion: + +"There's the convent just close to Bryanston Square, Miss. You can +always go in there it's always open." + +"What convent?" + +Holland named the Order of the house at Liège where Alex had been at +school. + +She exclaimed at the coincidence. + +"I thought their London house was in the East End." + +"Yes, Miss," Holland explained, becoming suddenly voluble. "But the +Sisters opened a new house last year. I went to the consecration of the +chapel. It was a beautiful ceremony, Miss." + +"Of course, you're a Catholic, aren't you? I forgot." + +"Yes, Miss," said Holland, stiffening. It was evident that the fact to +which Alex referred so lightly was of supreme importance to her. + +"Well, a church is better than nowhere in this heat," said Miss Clare +disconsolately. + +Lady Isabel had decreed nearly two years ago that church-going, at all +events during the season, was incompatible with late nights, and Alex +had acquiesced without much difficulty. + +Religion did not interest her, and she had kept up no intercourse with +the nuns at Liège since leaving school. + +Holland, looking at once shocked and rather excited, pointed out the +tall, narrow building, wedged into a line of similar buildings, with a +high flight of steps leading to the open door. + +"It's always open like that," Holland said. "Any one can go into the +chapel." + +The open door, indeed, gave straight on to the oak door of the chapel +across a narrow entrance lobby. + +Alex was instantly conscious of the sharply-defined contrast between the +hot glare and incessant roar of multifarious noises outside in the +brilliant streets, and the dark, cool hush that pervaded the silent +convent chapel. + +The sudden sensation of physical relief almost brought tears to her +eyes, as she sank thankfully on to a little cushioned _prieu-dieu_ drawn +up close to the high, carved rood-screen before the chancel steps. + +Holland had slid noiselessly to her knees behind one of the humble +wooden benches close to the entrance. + +There was absolute silence. + +As her eyes grew accustomed to the soft gloom, Alex saw that the chapel +was a very small one, of an odd oblong shape, with high, carved stalls +on either side of it that recalled the big convent chapel at Liège to +her mind. The wax candles shed a peculiarly mild glow over the High +Altar, which was decked with a mass of white blossom and feathery green, +but the rest of the chapel was unlit except by the warm, softened shaft +of sunshine that struck through the painted oval windows behind the +altar, and lay in deep splashes of colour over the white-embroidered +altar-cloth and the red-carpeted altar steps. + +The peace and harmony of her surroundings fell on Alex' wearied spirit +with an almost poignant realization of their beauty. The impression thus +made upon her, striking with utter unexpectedness, struck deep, and to +the end of her life the remembrance was to remain with her, of the +sudden sense which had come upon her of entering into another world, +when she stepped straight from the streets of London into the convent +chapel, on Diamond Jubilee Day. + +It seemed to her that she had been sitting still there for some time, +scarcely conscious of thought or feeling, when the remembrance gradually +began to filter through her mind, as it were, of teachings, unheeded at +the time, from her schooldays at Liège. + +What if the solution to all her troubles lay here, before the small gilt +door of the tabernacle? + +Alex had never prayed in her life. The mechanical formula extorted from +the Clare children by old Nurse had held no meaning for them, least of +all to Alex, who was not temperamentally religious, and instinctively +disliked anything which was presented to her in the light of an +obligation. + +Her lack of fundamental religious instruction had remained undiscovered, +and consequently unrectified, throughout her schooldays, and she had +unconsciously adopted since then the standard typified no less in Sir +Francis' courteously blank attitude towards the faith of his fathers, +than in Lady Isabel's conventional adherence to the minimum of +church-going permitted by the social code. + +What if comfort had been waiting for her all the time? + +"Come unto Me all ye that labour and are heavy burdened, and I will +refresh you." + +Alex did not know that she was crying until she found herself wiping +away the tears that were blinding her. + +The loneliness that encompassed her seemed to her to be suddenly +lightened, and she formulated the first vague, stammering prayer of her +life. + +"Help me ... make me good ... and let there be some one soon who will +understand ... some one who will understand and still love me ... who +will want me to care too ... If only there was some one for whose sake +everything really mattered, I believe I could be good.... Please help +me...." + +She felt certain that her prayer would be heard and granted. + +There was the slightest possible movement beside her, and turning +sharply, she saw the tall figure of a woman wearing the habit of the +Order, standing over her. + +She had not known that this nun was in the chapel. + +The tall, commanding presence bent and knelt down on the ground beside +her, with a deep inclination of her head towards the High Altar. + +"Forgive me for disturbing you, but when you are quite ready to come +away, will you come and speak to me for a moment or two before you go?" +She paused for a second, but Alex was too much surprised to reply. + +"Don't hurry. I shall wait for you outside." + +The nun rose slowly, laying her hand for an instant on Alex' shoulder, +and moved soundlessly away. + +Alex looked at her watch, and was surprised by the lateness of the hour. + +She drew down her veil, and gathered up the long, fashionable skirt of +her dress, preparatory to leaving the chapel. + +In the little lobby outside she looked round curiously. On the instant, +some one moved forward out of a shadowy corner. + +"Come in here for a moment, won't you? I think it is Miss Clare?" + +"Yes." + +Alex, faintly uneasy, although she could not have explained why, looked +round for her maid. + +Holland came forward at once. + +"Good afternoon, Mary," said the nun, addressing her calmly. "How are +you?" + +"Very well, thank you, Mother Gertrude. I hadn't hoped to be here again +so soon, but Miss Clare was tired, and we were just going past, on the +way back after the procession." + +"Ah, yes, to be sure," said the nun with the air of recalling an +unimportant fact--"the Jubilee procession takes place today. That must +make the streets unpleasantly crowded. Won't you rest a little while in +the parlour, Miss Clare? Perhaps your maid might find a cab to take you +home." + +"Will you try, Holland?" said Alex eagerly. She felt unable to walk any +more. + +This time Holland made no demur at the suggestion, and only glanced a +respectful farewell at the nun, who said, with a smile that seemed +somehow full of authority: "Good-bye, then, Mary, for the present. I +will take care of your young lady whilst you are away. It may take a +little while to find a cab on a day like this." + +As the maid went out, Mother Gertrude motioned to Alex to precede her +down the small, uneven steps leading out of the lobby into a +better-lighted passage beyond. + +"There are two steps down, that's all. These old houses are dark, and +inconveniently built but we are lucky to get anything so central.... +Come into the parlour, we shall not be disturbed, and your maid will +know where to find us when she returns." + +"I had no idea that Holland came here, and--and knew you," said Alex, +rather confused. + +In the stiff, ugly parlour, furnished with cane-seated chairs and a +round table, it was easy to see Mother Gertrude, as she seated herself +opposite to Alex in the window. + +She was an exceptionally tall, upright woman, a natural dignity of +carriage emphasized by the sweeping black folds of veil and habit, her +hands demurely hidden under the wide-falling sleeves as she sat with +arms lightly crossed. Her strong, handsome face, of a uniform light +reddish colour, showed one or two hard lines, noticeably round the +closed, determined mouth, and her strongly-marked eyebrows almost met +over straight-gazing, very light grey eyes. Even her religious habit +could not conceal the lines and contour of a magnificent figure, +belonging to a woman in the full maturity of life. + +"Are you surprised to find that your maid comes to the convent?" she +asked, smiling. + +Her voice was deep and of a commanding quality that seemed to match her +personality, but her smile was her least attractive feature. It was only +a slow widening of her mouth, showing a set of patently porcelain teeth, +and deepening the creases on either side of her face. Her eyes remained +watchful and unchanged. + +"Mary Holland was one of our children when she was quite a little thing, +at our Poor-school at Bermondsey. She has always been a good girl, and +we take a great interest in her." + +"Was that why you knew who I was?" Alex inquired, remembering how the +nun had addressed her by-name. + +"Yes. I knew that Mary Holland had taken a place with Lady Isabel Clare, +and was much interested to hear from her of her 'young lady.' Tell me, +were you not at school at our Mother-house in Belgium?" + +Alex, unversed in the infinitely far-reaching ramifications of +inter-conventual communication, was again surprised. + +"Yes, I was there for about five years, but I don't remember--" She +hesitated. + +"Oh, no, I was never there. I have been Superior in London for more than +ten years, but I have heard your name several times, though not since +you left school. We like to keep in touch with our children, but you +have probably been busy going about with your mother?" + +"I didn't even know there was a house of the Order here," Alex admitted. + +"It has not been established very long. Our chapel was only consecrated +a few months ago. It is very tiny, but perhaps some day you will pay +another visit here." + +Mother Gertrude was not looking at Alex as she spoke, but down at her +own long rosary beads; and the fact somehow made it easier for Alex to +reply without embarrassment. + +"Yes, I should like to come if I may--and if I can. It felt so--so +peaceful." + +"Yes," returned the nun, without any show of surprise or indeed, any +emotion at all, in her carefully colourless voice. "Yes, it is very +peaceful here--a great contrast to the hurry and unrest of the world. +And for any one who is tired, or troubled, or perhaps unhappy, and +conscious of wrong-doing, there is always comfort to be found here. No +one asks any questions, and if, perhaps, a poor soul is too much +worn-out with conflict for prayer, why, even that is not necessary." + +Alex gazed at her, surprised. + +"Do you think that God wants things put into words?" said the nun with +her slow smile. + +Alex did not know what to reply. She looked silently at the Superior, +and felt that those light, penetrating, grey eyes had probed to the +depths of her confusion and beyond it, to the scenes of loneliness and +bewilderment that had made her weep in the chapel. + +"Do a lot of people come here?" she asked involuntarily, from the sense +that a wide experience of humanity must have gone to the making of those +keen perceptions. + +"Yes. Many of them I know, and see here, and anything that passes in +this little room is held in sacred confidence. But very often, of +course, there are visitors to the chapel of whom we know nothing--just +passers-by." + +"That was what I was." + +The nun looked at her for a moment. "And yet," she said slowly, +"something made me want to come and speak to you, even before I caught +sight of your maid, and guessed you must be Miss Clare. It is curious +that you should have turned out to be one of our children." + +Alex thought so too, but the term with its sense of shelter touched her +strangely. She was shaken both by physical fatigue and her recent +violent crying, and moreover, the forceful, magnetic personality of the +Superior was already making its sure impression upon her young, +unbalanced susceptibilities. + +"May I see you again, next time I come?" she asked rather tremulously. + +Mother Gertrude stood up. + +"Whenever you like," she said emphatically, her direct gaze adding +weight to the deliberately-spoken words. "Come whenever you like. You +have been brought here by what looks like a strange chance. Don't +neglect the way now that you know it." + +She held Alex' hand in hers for a moment, and then took her back to the +little lobby. + +"Mary has actually got a four-wheeled cab! That is very clever of her. I +hope they will not have been anxious about you at home. You must tell +them that you were with _friends_, quite safe." + +She laid a slight emphasis on the words, smiling a little. + +"Good-bye," said Alex; "thank you very much." + +"Good-bye," repeated the Nun. "And God bless you, my child." + + + + +XVI + +Mother Gertrude + + +Alex felt strangely comforted for some time after that visit to the +convent. It seemed to her that in appealing to the God who dwelt in the +chapel shrine, she had found a human friend. Secretly she thought very +often of the Superior, wondering if Mother Gertrude remembered her and +thought of her too. Once or twice when she was out with Holland, or even +with her mother, she manoeuvred a little in order to go past the tall, +undistinguished-looking building, and look up curiously at its shrouded +windows. But she did not actually enter the convent again until three +weeks later, after she had said rather defiantly to Lady Isabel: + +"Do you mind my going to see the Superior of the convent near Bryanston +Square, mother? It's the new house they've opened--a branch of the Liège +house, you know." + +"If you like," said Lady Isabel indifferently. "What's put it into your +head?" + +"Holland told me about it. She went there for some ceremony or other +when they opened the chapel, and--and she knew I'd been at school at +Liège," Alex answered. + +She was conscious that the reply was evasive, but she was afraid of +admitting that she had already made acquaintance with the Superior, with +that innate sense, peculiar to the period in which she lived, that +anything undertaken upon the initiative of a child would _ipso facto_ be +regarded as wrong or dangerous by its parents. + +"But mind," added Lady Isabel suspiciously, "I won't have your name used +by them. I mean that you are not to promise that you'll patronize all +sorts of dowdy, impossible charities." + +"Very well, I won't." + +Alex was glad to have permission to visit the convent under any +conditions, and she secretly resolved that she would make an elastic use +of the sanction given her, during the short time that remained before +the usual exodus from London. + +She felt half afraid that Mother Gertrude might have forgotten her, but +the nun greeted her with a warmth that fanned to instant flame the spark +of Alex' ready infatuation. She quickly fell into one of the old, +enamoured enthusiasms that had cost her so much in her childish days. + +Mother Gertrude did not speak of religion to her, or touch upon any +religious teaching, but she encouraged Alex to speak much about herself, +and to admit that she was very unhappy. + +"Have you no one at home?" + +"They don't understand me," Alex said with conviction. + +"That is hard to bear. And you are very sensitive--and with very great +capabilities for either good or evil." + +Alex thrilled to the echo of a conviction which she had hardly dared to +admit to herself. + +"My dear child--do you mind my calling you so?" + +"Oh, no--no. I wish you would call me by my name--Alex." + +"What," the Superior said, smiling, "as though you were one of my own +children, in spite of being a young lady of the world?" + +"Oh, yes--if you'll let me," breathed Alex, looking up at the woman who +had fascinated her with all the fervour of her ardent, unbalanced +temperament in her gaze. + +"My poor, lonely little Alex! You shall be my child then." The grave, +lingering kiss on her forehead came like a consecration. + +Alex went home that day in ecstasy. The whole force of her nature was +once more directed into one channel, and she was happy. + +One day she told Mother Gertrude, with the complete luxury of unreserve +always characteristic of her reckless attachments, the story of her +brief engagement to Noel Cardew. + +The nun looked strangely at her. "So you had the courage to go against +the wishes of your family and break it all off, little Alex?" + +It seemed wonderful to Alex that the action which had been so condemned, +and which she had long ceased to regard as anything but folly, should be +praised as courageous. + +"I wasn't happy," she faltered. "I used always to think that love, which +one read about, made everything perfect when it came--but from the first +moment of our engagement I knew it was all wrong somehow." + +"So you knew that?" the Superior said, smilingly. "You have been given +very great gifts." + +"Me--how?" faltered Alex. + +"It is not every one who would have had the courage to withdraw before +it was too late." + +"You mean, it would have been much worse if I'd actually married him?" + +"Much, much worse. A finite human love will never satisfy that restless +heart of yours, Alex. Tell me, have you ever found full satisfaction in +the love of any creature yet? Hasn't there always been something +lacking--something to grieve and disappoint you?" + +Alex looked back. She thought of the stormy loves of her childhood; of +Queenie, on whom she had lavished such a passion of devotion; of her +vain, thwarted longing to bestow all where the merest modicum would have +sufficed; lastly, she thought of Noel Cardew. + +"Noel did not want all that I could have given him," she faltered. "He +never knew the reallest part of me at all." + +"And yet he loved you, Alex--he wanted you for his wife. But the closest +of human intercourse, the warmest and dearest of human sympathy, will +never be enough for a temperament like yours." She spoke with such +authority in her voice that Alex was almost frightened. + +"Shall I always be lonely, then?" she asked, feeling that whatever the +answer she must accept it unquestioningly for truth. + +"Until you have learnt the lesson which I think is before you," said the +nun slowly. + +"I am not lonely now that I have you," Alex asserted, clinging +passionately to her hand. + +Mother Gertrude did not answer--she never contradicted such +assertions--but her steady, light eyes gazed outward with a strange pale +flame, as though at some unseen bourne destined both to be her goal and +that of Alex. + +"No one has ever understood me like you do." + +"Poor little child, I think I understand you. You have told me a great +deal, and your confidence has meant very much to me. Besides--" The +Superior paused. "A nun does not often tell her own story, but I am +going to tell you a little of mine. It is not so very unlike your own. + +"When I was seventeen I wanted to be a nun. I told my parents so, and +they refused their permission. They loved me very, very dearly, and I +was the only child. My father told me that it would break his heart if I +left them, and my mother was delicate--almost an invalid. I held out for +a little time, but their grief nearly broke my heart, and I persuaded +myself that it was my duty to listen to them, and to stay at home. So I +stifled the voice of God in my heart, and when I was two-and-twenty, a +man much older than I was, whom I had known all my life, asked me to +marry him." The nun spoke with difficulty. "I have not spoken of this to +any human being for over twenty years, but I believe that I am right in +telling you a little of what I went through. I will gladly bring myself +to speak of it, if it is going to be of any help to you. I hesitated for +a long while. He told me that he loved me dearly and I knew it was true. +I knew that his wife would have the happiest of homes and the most +faithful and devoted of husbands. A hundred times, Alex, I was on the +verge of telling him that I would marry him. It would have been the +greatest happiness to my father and mother, and it would have done away, +once and for all, with that lurking dread of a convent which I knew was +always at the back of their minds. They were growing old, too--they had +neither of them been young people when I was born--and I knew that a +time would come when I should find myself all alone. I had no very great +friends, and very few relations--none with whom I could have found a +home; and in those days a woman left by herself had very little freedom, +very few outlets indeed. I had given up the thought of being a nun +altogether. I thought that God had taken away the gift of my vocation +because I had wilfully neglected it. Even at my blindest I could never +persuade myself that it had never existed--that vocation which I had +tried so long to ignore. And then, Alex, God in His great love, again +took pity on me, and showed me where my treasure really was. I had tried +hard to cling to human love and happiness, to find my comfort there, +but--just think of it, Alex--a Divine Love was waiting for me.... It was +a very hard struggle, Alex. I knew that he wanted _all_ of me, unworthy +as I was. And I was so weak and so cowardly and so selfish--that I +shrank from giving all. I knew that no half measures would be possible. +Like you, I knew that it would have to be, with me, all or none--to whom +much is given, from him will much be asked, Alex--and one night I could +hold out no longer. I resolved that it should be all. After that, there +was no drawing back. I wrote and said that I should never marry--that my +mind was made up. Less than a year afterwards I was in the convent. But +it was a terrible year. It was not for a long, long while that God let +me feel any consolation. Time after time, I felt that He had forsaken +me, and I could only cling to the remembrance of the certainty that I +had felt at the time, of following His will for me. But He spared me the +greatest sacrifice of all, knowing, perhaps, that I should have failed +again in courage. My father and mother died within three months of one +another that same year, and when my father lay dying, he gave me his +blessing and consent, and after he died I went straight to the +Mother-house in Paris, where it was then, and a few months after I +became an orphan they received me into the novitiate there." + +The Superior had flushed very deeply, and her voice was shaken, but +there were no tears in her steady eyes. Alex, trembling with passionate +sympathy, and with a gratitude so intense as to be almost painful, for +the confidence bestowed upon her, asked the inevitable question of +youth: + +"Have you been happy?--haven't you ever regretted it? Oh, tell me if you +are really and truly _happy_." + +"Absolutely," said Mother Gertrude unhesitatingly. "But not with +happiness such as the world knows. The word has acquired a different +meaning. I hardly know how to convey what I mean. 'Grief' and 'Joy' mean +something so utterly different to the soul in religious life, and to the +soul still in the world. But this much I can say--that I have never +known one instant of regret--never anything but the deepest, most +intense gratitude that I was given strength to follow my vocation." + +There was a long silence, Alex watching the nun's fervent, flame-like +gaze, in which her young idolatry detected none of the resolute +fanaticism built up in instinctive self-protection from a temperament no +less ardent than her own. + +"So you have the story of God's great mercy to one poor soul," said the +nun at last. "And the story of every vocation is equally wonderful. The +more I see of souls, Alex--and a Superior hears many things--the more I +marvel at the ways of God's love. As for the paths by which He led me to +the shelter of His own house, I shall only know the full wonder of it +all when I see Him face to face. I have only given you the barest +outlines, but you understand a little?" + +"Yes," breathed Alex, her whole being shaken by an emotion to the real +danger of which she was entirely blind. + +She went home that day in a state of exaltation, and could not have +told, had she been obliged to analyse it, how far her uplifted condition +was due to the awakening of religious perceptions hitherto undreamed of, +to her increasing worship of the woman who had roused those perceptions, +or to her exultant sense of having been made the repository of a +confidence shared with no other human being. It was small wonder that +Lady Isabel traced the rapt look on Alex' face to its source. + +"But most girls go through this sort of thing at school," she said +hopelessly. "Of course, I know it is only a phase, Alex, whatever you +may think now. But _why_ can't you be more like other people? Why insist +all of a sudden on makin' poor Holland get up early and go out to church +with you on Sunday, when I always like the maids to have a rest?" + +"Holland doesn't mind," said Alex sulkily. She could not explain to her +mother that the Superior had asked a promise of her that she would not +again willingly miss going to Mass on Sundays. + +"If it was a reasonable hour I shouldn't object so much--I know heaps of +very devout Catholics who always do go to Farm Street or somewhere every +Sunday, and I wouldn't forbid that, Alex--though _why_ you should +suddenly get frantic about religion I can't imagine. I suppose it is the +influence of that woman you have been seein' at the convent." + +Alex grew scarlet, to her own dismay. + +"I thought so," said Lady Isabel, looking annoyed. "I don't want to +prevent your doing anything that _does_ give you pleasure--Heaven knows +it's difficult enough to find anything you seem to care about in the +very least--but I am not goin' to let you infect Barbara." + +"Oh, no!" said Alex, with sincere horror in her voice. The last thing +she wanted was to take Barbara to the convent. She instinctively dreaded +both her sister's shrewd, cynical judgment, and the misrepresentations +that she always somehow contrived to make of all Alex' motives and +actions. Alex clung to the thought of her exclusive claim on Mother +Gertrude's interest and sympathy as she had never yet clung to any other +possession. + +"Well, we shall be leavin' town next week, and there'll be an end of it. +When I said you might go to the convent, Alex, I never meant you to rush +off there three or four times a week, as you know. But if you have taken +a fancy to this nun, I suppose nothing will stop you." + +Lady Isabel sighed, and Alex, from the glow of contentment that +possessed her, felt able to speak more warmly and natural than usual. + +"I don't want to do anything to vex you, mother, truly, I don't, but the +Superior is very kind to me, and I do like going to see her. You know +you always say you want me to do whatever makes me happiest." She spoke +urgently and coaxingly, like the impulsive, impetuous child Alex, who +had been used to beg for favours and privileges with all the confidence +of a favourite. + +Lady Isabel sighed again, but her face wore a touched, softened look, +and she said resignedly, "So long as you cheer up, and don't vex your +father by seeming doleful and uninterested in things.... Of course, +girls now-a-days do take up good works and slummin' and all that sort of +thing--but not till they are older than you are, darling, and then it's +generally because they haven't married--at least," added Lady Isabel +hurriedly, "people are sure to say it is that." + +"I don't mind if they do," said Alex proudly, her mind full of Mother +Gertrude's story. + +"Well, I suppose you must do as you like--girls do, now-a-days." + +Alex almost instinctively uttered the cry that, with successive +generations, has passed from appeal to rebellion, then to assertion, and +from the defiance of that assertion to a calm statement of facts. "_It +is my life._ Can't I live my own life?" + +"A woman who doesn't marry and who has eccentric tastes doesn't have +much of a life. I could never bear thinking of it for any of you." + +Alex was rather startled at the sadness in her mother's voice. + +"But, mother, why? Lots of girls don't marry, and just live at home." + +"As long as there is a home. But things alter, Alex. Your father and I, +in the nature of things, can't go on livin' for ever, and then this +house goes to Cedric. There is no country place, as you know--your +great-grandfather sold everything he could lay his hands on, and we none +of us have ever had enough ready money to think of buyin' even a small +place in the country." + +"But I thought we were quite rich." + +Lady Isabel flushed delicately. + +"We are not exactly poor, but such money as there is mostly came from my +father, and there will not be much after my death," she confessed. "Most +of it will be money tied up for Archie, poor little boy, because he is +the younger son, and your grandfather thought that was the proper way to +arrange it. It was all settled when you were quite little children--in +fact, before Pamela was born or thought of--and your father naturally +wanted all he could hope to leave to go to Cedric, so that he might be +able to live on here, whatever happened." + +"But what about Barbara and me? Wasn't it rather unfair to want the boys +to have everything?" + +"Your father said, 'The girls will marry, of course.' There will be a +certain sum for each of you on your wedding-day, but there's no question +of either of you being able to afford to remain unmarried, and live +decently. You won't have enough to make it possible," said Lady Isabel +very simply. + +"But one of us might want to marry a very poor man." + +"A man in your own rank of life, my dear child, could hardly propose to +you unless he had enough to support you. Of course, we don't wish either +of you to feel that you must marry for money, ever, but at the same time +I think you ought to be warned. Girls very often go gaily on, thinkin' +it will be time enough to settle later, and then something happens, and +they find they have no money of their own, and perhaps no home left. For +a few years, perhaps, it's possible to go on paying visits, and staying +with other people, but it's never very pleasant to feel one has no +alternative, and the sort of environment where a man looks for his wife +is in her own sheltered home," said Lady Isabel with emphasis. + +Alex felt rather dismayed, though less so than she would have done +before her intimacy at the convent had given her glimpses of another +possible standard. + +She paid one more visit to Mother Gertrude before leaving London. + +This time she was kept waiting for a while in the parlour, so that she +began to wish that she had not told Holland to call for her in an hour's +time. She never dared stay any longer, partly from a vague impression +that Mother Gertrude had a good deal to do, and partly from a very +distinct certainty that Lady Isabel always noted the length of her +visits to the convent, no less than their frequency. + +She looked round the ugly room rather disconsolately and fingered the +books on the table. They seemed very uninteresting, and were mostly in +French. One slim volume, more attractively bound than the others, drew +her attention for a moment, and she turned idly to the title-page. + +"Notre Mère Fondatrice Esquisse de piété filiale." + +Alex smiled at the wording, which she read in the imperfect literal +translation of an indifferent French scholar, and turned to the next +leaf. + +Two photographs facing one another were reproduced on either page. + +The first portrait was of a young woman standing by a table in a stiffly +artificial attitude, with enormously wide skirts billowing round her, +decked with elaborate, and, to Alex' eyes meaningless, trimmings of some +dark, narrow ribbon that might have been velvet. She wore long, dangling +ear-rings, and her abundant plaits of dark hair were gathered into the +nape of her neck, confined by a coarse-fibred net. The face, turned over +one shoulder, was heavy rather than handsome, with strongly marked +features and big, sombre, dark eyes. + +It was with a little thrill approaching to awe that Alex recognized her +again on the next page in the veil and habit of the Order. + +The girth of the figure had increased, and the face showed traces of +having been heavily scored by the passing of some twenty or thirty +years, but this time the strong mouth was smiling frankly, and the eyes +had lost their brooding look and were directed upwards with an ardent +and animated expression. The hands, so plump as to show mere indents in +place of knuckles across their remarkable breadth, grasped a small +crucifix. + +Under the first portrait Alex read the inscription "Angèle Prédoux a +dix-huit ans." + +Beneath the picture of the nun, Angèle's not very distinguished +patronymic had been replaced by the title of "Mère Candide de Sacré +Coeur," and still supplemented by the announcement: + +"Fondatrice et Supérieure de son Ordre." + +Old-fashioned though the dress in the photograph looked to Alex' eyes, +she was yet astonished that any woman so nearly of her own time should +have founded a religious Order. She had always supposed vaguely that the +educational variety of religious Orders which she knew flourished in +Europe had taken their existence from the old-established Dominican or +Benedictine communities. + +But it seemed now that a new foundation might come into being under the +auspice of so youthful and plebeian-seeming a pioneer as Angèle Prédoux. + +Alex wondered how she had set about it. A grotesque fancy flitted +through her mind as to the fashion in which Sir Francis and Lady Isabel +might be expected to receive an announcement that Alex or Barbara felt +called upon to found a new religious Order. + +Alex could not help dismissing the imaginary situation thus conjured up +with a slight shudder, and the conviction that Angèle Prédoux, if her +position had been in any degree tenable, must have been an orphan. + +Wishing all the time that Mother Gertrude would come to her, she glanced +through the first few pages of the book. + +It somehow slightly amazed her to read of the Founder of a religious +Order as a little girl, who had, like herself, passed through the +successive phases of babyhood, schooldays and the society of her +compeers in the world. + +"And to what end," inquired the author of the _esquisse_, when Angèle +Prédoux had celebrated her twenty-first birthday at a ball given on her +behalf by an adoring grandfather--"to what end?" + +Alex repeated the question to herself, and marvelled rather vaguely as +various replies floated through her mind. Life all led to something, she +supposed, and for the first time it occurred to her that she herself had +never aimed at anything save the possession of that which she called +happiness. What had been Angèle Prédoux's aim?--what was that of Mother +Gertrude? Certainly not human happiness. + +Life was disappointing enough, Alex reflected drearily. One was always +waiting, always looking forward to the next stage, as though it must +reveal the secret solution to the great question of _why_. Alex' +thoughts turned to Noel Cardew and the sick misery and disappointment +engendered by her engagement. + +The door opened and she sprang up. + +"Oh, I am so glad you have come at last." + +"Were you getting impatient? I'm sorry, but you know our time is not our +own." + +The nun sat down, and Alex flung, rather than sat herself in her +favourite position on the floor, her arms resting on the Superior's +knee. + +"What is the matter?" asked Mother Gertrude. "What was troubling you +just before I came in, Alex?" + +"You always know," said Alex, in quick, passionate recognition of an +intuition that it had hitherto been her share to exercise on behalf of +another, never to receive. + +"Your face is not so very difficult to read, and I think I know you +pretty well by this time." + +"Better than any one," said Alex, in all good faith, and unaware that +certain aspects of herself, such as she showed to Barbara, or to her +father and mother when they angered or frightened her, had never yet +been called forth in the Superior's presence, and probably never would +be. + +"Well, what was it? Was it our Mother Foundress?" + +"How did you know?" gasped Alex, unseeing of the still open book lying +on the table. + +Mother Gertrude did not refer to it. She passed her hand slowly over the +upturned head. Alex had thrown off her hat. + +"I was looking at the picture of her. It seemed so difficult to realize +that any one who actually formed a new religious Order could live almost +now-a-days and be a girl just like myself." + +"God bestows His gifts where He pleases! Sometimes the call sounds where +one might least expect to hear it--in the midst of the world, and +worldly pleasure, sometimes in the midst of the disappointment and grief +of the world." + +Alex did not speak, but continued to gaze up at the nun. Mother Gertrude +went on speaking slowly: + +"You see, Alex, sometimes it is necessary for a soul, a loving and +undisciplined one especially, to learn the utter worthlessness of human +love, in order that it may turn and see the Divine Love waiting for it." + +"But all human love isn't worthless," said Alex almost pleadingly, her +eyes dilating. + +"Surely a finite love is worthless compared to an Infinite," said the +nun gently. "We can hardly imagine it, Alex, with our little, limited +understanding, but there is a love that satisfies the most exacting of +us--asking, indeed _all_, and yet willing to accept so little, and, +above all, giving with a completeness to which no human sympathy, +however deep and tender, can ever attain." + +Alex heard only the ring of utter conviction permeating every word +uttered in that deep, ardent voice, and listening to the mystic, heard +nothing of the fanatic. + +"But not every one," she stammered. + +The nun did not pretend to misunderstand her. + +"Many are called," she said, "but few are chosen. Do you want me to tell +you a little of all that is promised to those who leave all things for +His sake?" + +"Yes," said Alex, her heart throbbing strangely. + + + + +XVII + +Lawn-Tennis + + +Looking back long afterwards, to that last week of the brilliant Jubilee +season in London and to the two months that followed, spent in a house +near Windsor, taken principally to gratify Cedric's passion for tennis, +Alex could never remember whether the first definite suggestion of her +entering the religious life had come from herself or from Mother +Gertrude. + +Neither she nor Barbara had been taken to Cowes that year, and the first +fortnight spent at the Windsor house, which stood in a large, rambling +garden, full of roses, close to the river, reminded her strangely of the +summer holidays they had spent together as children. + +Cedric, very sunburnt and sturdy, played tennis with a sort of +concentrated, cumulative enthusiasm, took part in innumerable cricket +matches--possessing already a very real reputation in Eton circles as a +promising slow bowler and a very reliable bat--and occasionally took his +sisters on the river. Barbara, on whom late nights in London had told, +slept half the morning, and then practised "serves" at tennis +assiduously under her brother's coaching, while Pamela, already a +hoyden, romped screaming over the lawn, in a fashion that in Alex' and +Barbara's nursery days would have met with instant and drastic +punishment. But old Nurse was lenient with the last and youngest of her +charges, and now-a-days her guardianship was almost a nominal one only. + +Alex was preoccupied, aimlessly brooding over one absorbing interest, as +in the summer holidays that the Clare children had spent at Fiveapples +Farm. + +Just as then she had waited and looked and longed for Queenie's letters, +so now she waited for those of Mother Gertrude. + +Day after sunlit day, she stood at the bottom of the straggling, +over-grown paddock that gave on to the dusty high-road, and waited for +the afternoon post to be delivered. + +She was often disappointed, but never with the sick intensity of dismay +that had marked every fresh stage in her realization of Queenie +Torrance's indifference to friendship. + +Mother Gertrude only wrote when she could find a little spare time, and +left by far the greater number of Alex' daily outpourings to her +unanswered, but she read them all--she understood, Alex told herself in +a passion of pure gratitude--and she thought of her child and prayed +daily for her. + +Her letters began, "My dearest child," and Alex treasured the words, and +the few earnest counsels and exhortations that the letters contained. + +It was much easier to carry out those exhortations at Windsor than it +had been in London. Alex went almost every day to a small Catholic +church, of which Holland had discovered the vicinity, and sometimes +spent the whole afternoon in the drowsy heat of the little building, +that was almost always empty. + +Her thoughts dwelt vaguely on her own future, and on the craving +necessity for self-expression, of which Mother Gertrude had made her +more intensely aware than she knew. Could it be that her many failures +were to prove only the preliminary to an immense success, predestined +for her out of Eternity? The allurement of the thought soothed Alex with +an infinite sweetness. + +When Sir Francis and his wife joined the Windsor party, Lady Isabel +exclaimed with satisfaction at her daughters' looks. "Only a fortnight, +and it's done such wonders for you both! Barbara was like a little, +washed-out rag, and now she's quite blooming. You've got more colour +too, Alex, darling, and I'm so thankful to see that you're holdin' +yourself rather better. Evidently country air and quiet was what you +both needed." + +Nevertheless, Lady Isabel lost no time in issuing and accepting various +invitations that led to luncheons, tennis-parties and occasional dinners +with the innumerable acquaintances whom she immediately discovered to be +within walking or driving distance. + +It annoyed Alex unreasonably that her liberty should be interfered with +thus by entertainments which afforded her no pleasure. She ungraciously +conceded her place to Barbara as often as possible, and went off to seek +the solitude of the chapel with an inward conviction of her own great +unworldliness and spirituality. + +Barbara showed plenty of eagerness to avail herself of the opportunities +thus passed on to her. She had sedulously cultivated a great enthusiasm +for tennis, and by dint of sheer hard practice had actually acquired a +certain forceful skill, making up for a natural lack of suppleness that +deprived her play of any grace. + +Her rather manufactured displays of enjoyment, which had none of the +spontaneous vitality of little Pamela's noisy, bounding high spirits, +were always in sufficient contrast to Alex' supine self-absorption to +render them doubly agreeable to Sir Francis and Lady Isabel. + +"I like to take my little daughter about and see her enjoying herself," +Sir Francis would say, with more wistfulness than pleasure in his voice +sometimes, as though wishing that Barbara's gaiety could have been +allied to Alex' prettier face and position as his eldest daughter. + +It was only in his two sons--Cedric, with his sort of steady brilliance, +and idle, happy-go-lucky Archie, by far the best-looking of the Clare +children--that Sir Francis found unalloyed satisfaction. + +Pamela was the modern child in embryo, and disconcerted more than she +pleased him. + +It was principally to gratify Cedric that Lady Isabel arranged a tennis +tournament for the end of the summer, on a hot day of late September +that was to remain in Alex' memory as a milestone, unrecognized at the +time, marking the end of an era. + +"Thank Heaven it's fine," piously breathed Barbara at the window in the +morning. "I shall wear my white piqué." + +Alex shrugged her shoulders. + +Neither she nor Barbara would have dreamed of inaugurating a new form of +toilette without previous reference to Lady Isabel, and Barbara's small +piece of self-assertion was merely designed to emphasize the butterfly +rôle which she was embracing with so much determination. + +"Of course, you'll wear your piqué. Mother said so," Alex retorted, +conscious of childishness. "You've worn a piqué at every tennis party +you've been to." + +"Well, this is a new piqué," said Barbara, who invariably found a last +word for any discussion, and she went downstairs singing in a small, +tuneful chirp made carefully careless. + +"Who is coming?" Alex inquired, having taken no part whatever in the +lengthy discussions as to partners and handicaps which had engrossed +Cedric and Barbara for the past ten days. + +Cedric looked up, frowning, from the list on which he was still engaged. +He did not speak, however; but Barbara said very sweetly, and with an +emphasis so nearly imperceptible that only her sister could appreciate +it: + +"Oh, nobody in whom you're at all specially interested, I'm afraid." + +Alex did not miss the implication, and coloured angrily. + +"I'm going to play with that artist, the one staying with the Russells. +He isn't at all a good player," said Barbara smoothly. + +"Then why are you playing with him?" + +Barbara smiled rather self-consciously. "It would hardly do to annex the +best partners for ourselves, would it?" she inquired. "And we're trying +to equalize the setts as far as possible. Cedric has to play with the +youngest Russell girl, who's too utterly hopeless." + +"I shall take all her balls," said Cedric calmly, "so it'll be all +right. She doesn't mind any amount of poaching. We shall lose on her +serves, of course, but that may be just as well." + +"Why, dear?" innocently inquired Lady Isabel. + +"I don't think it looks well to carry off a prize at one's own show," +Cedric said candidly. + +"I should rather love the Indian bangles," owned Barbara, glancing +enviously at the array of silver trifles that constituted the prizes. + +"You won't get them, my child--not with McAllister as your partner. +You'll see, Lady Essie Cameron will get them, or one of the Nottinghams, +if they're in good form." + +"Peter Nottingham is playing with you, Alex," Barbara informed her. + +"That boy!" + +"Nottingham is nearly eighteen, let me tell you," said Cedric in tones +of offence, "and plays an extraordinarily good game of tennis. In fact, +he'll be about the best man there probably, which is why I've had to +give him to you for a partner. As you've not taken the trouble to +practise a single stroke the whole summer, I should advise you to keep +out of his way, and let him stand up to the net and take every blessed +thing he can get. + +"It'll be a nice thing for me," said Cedric bitterly, "to have to +apologize to Nottingham for making him play with the worst girl there, +and that my sister." + +"Cedric," said his mother gently, "I'm sure I've seen Alex play very +nicely." + +Alex was grateful, but she wished that, like Barbara, she had practised +her strokes under Cedric's tuition. + +It was characteristic of her that when the occasion for excelling had +actually come, she should passionately desire to excel, whereas during +previous weeks of supine indifference, it had never seemed to her worth +while to exert herself in the attainment of proficiency. + +After breakfast she went out to the tennis-court, freshly marked and +rolled, and wondered if it would be worth while to make Archie send her +over some balls, but Cedric hurried up in a business-like way and +ordered everybody off the ground while he instructed the garden boy in +the science of putting up a new net. + +Alex moved disconsolately away, and tried to tell herself that none of +these trivial, useless enthusiasms which they regarded so earnestly were +of any real importance. + +She wandered down to the chapel and sat there, for the most part +pondering over her own infinitesimal chances of success in the coming +tournament, and thinking how much she would like to astonish and +disconcert Barbara and Cedric by a sudden display of skill. + +It was true that she had not practised, and was at no time a strong +player, but she had sometimes shown an erratic brilliance in a sudden, +back-handed stroke and, like all weak people, she had an irrational +belief in sudden and improbable accessions of luck. + +Needless to say, this belief was not justified. + +Peter Nottingham, a tall, shy boy with a smashing service and tremendous +length of reach, was intent on nothing but victory, and though he +muttered politely, "Not all, 'm sure," at Alex' preliminary, faltering +announcement of her own bad play, the very sense of his keenness made +her nervous. + +She missed every stroke, gave an aimless dash that just succeeded in +stopping a ball that would obviously have been "out," and felt her nerve +going. + +Just as success always led her on to excel, so failure reduced her +capabilities to a minimum. Her heart sank. + +They lost the first game. + +"Will you serve?" enquired Peter Nottingham politely. + +"I'd rather you did." + +Alex was infinitely relieved that responsibility should momentarily be +off her own shoulders, but young Nottingham's swift service was as +swiftly returned by Lady Essie Cameron, an excellent player, and one who +had no hesitation in smashing the ball on to the farthest corner of the +court, where Alex stood, obviously nervous and unready. + +She failed to reach it, and could have cried with mortification. + +Thanks to Nottingham, however, they won the game. + +It was their solitary victory. + +Alex served one fault after another, and at last ceased even to murmur +perfunctory apologies as she and her partner, whose boyish face +expressed scarlet vexation, crossed over the court. She was not clear as +to the system on which Cedric had arranged the tournament, but presently +she saw that the losing couples would drop out one by one until the +champions, having won the greatest number of setts, would finally +challenge any remaining couples whom they had not yet encountered. + +"I say, I'm afraid this is pretty rotten for you, old chap," she heard +Cedric, full of concern, say to her partner. + +"Perhaps we may get another look in at the finals," said Peter +Nottingham, with gloomy civility. + +He and Alex, with several others, sat and watched the progress of the +games. It gave Alex a shock of rather unpleasant surprise to see the +improvement in Barbara's play. + +Her service, an overhand one in which very few girl players were then +proficient, gave rise to several compliments. Her partner was the +good-looking artist, Ralph McAllister. + +"Well played!" he shouted enthusiastically, again and again. + +Once or twice, when Barbara missed a stroke, Alex heard him exclaim +softly, "Oh, hard luck! Well tried, partner." + +Alex, tired and mortified, almost angry, wondered why Fate should have +assigned to her as a partner a mannerless young cub like Nottingham, who +thought of nothing but the horrid game. It did not occur to her that +perhaps McAllister would not have been moved to the same enthusiasm had +she, instead of Barbara, been playing with him. + +The combination, however, was beaten by Cedric and the youngest of the +Russell girls, a pretty, roundabout child, who left all the play to her +partner and screamed with excitement and admiration almost every time he +hit the ball. + +It was quite evident that the final contest lay between them and Lady +Essie Cameron, a strapping, muscular Scotch girl, whose partner kept +discreetly to the background, and allowed her to stand up to the net and +volley every possible ball that came over. + +When she and her partner had emerged victorious from every contest, +nothing remained but for Cedric and Miss Russell to make good their +claim to the second place by conquering the remaining couples. + +Alex played worse than ever, and the sett was six games to love. As she +went past, Cedric muttered to her low and viciously: + +"Are you doing it _on purpose_?" + +She knew that he was angry and mortified at his friend Nottingham's +disappointment, but his words struck her like a blow. + +She stood with her back to every one, gulping hard. + +"You didn't have a chance, old man," said a sympathetic youth behind +her. "They might have arranged the setts better." + +Peter Nottingham growled in reply. + +"Who was the girl you were playing with?" + +Alex realized that her white frock and plain straw hat were +indistinguishable from all the other white frocks and straw hats +present, seen from the back. + +"Hush," said young Nottingham more cautiously. "That was one of the +girls of the house, a Miss Clare." + +"Can't play a bit, can she? The other one wasn't bad. Didn't one of them +give poor Cardew the chuck or something?" + +"Oh, shut up," Nottingham rebuked the indiscreet one. "Much more likely +_he_ chucked _her_, if you ask me." + +Alex could bear the risk of their discovering her proximity no longer, +and hastened into the house. + +It was the first afternoon since her arrival at Windsor that she had not +looked eagerly for the afternoon post. + +The letter, a square, bluish envelope of cheap glazed paper, caught her +eye almost accidentally on the table in the hall. + +She recognized it instantly, and snatching it up, opened and read it +standing there, with the scent of a huge bowl of late roses pervading +the whole hall, and the distant sound of cries and laughter faintly +penetrating to her ears from the tennis-court and garden outside. + +Mother Gertrude's writing showed all the disciplined regularity +characteristic of a convent, with the conventional French slope and +long-tailed letters, the careful making of which Alex herself had had +instilled into her in Belgium. + +The phraseology of the Superior's letter was conventional, too, and even +her most earnest exhortations, when delivered in writing, bore the marks +of restraint. + +But this letter was different. + +Alex knew it at once, even before she had read it to the end of the four +closely-covered sheets. + + "Sept. 30, 1897. + + "MY DEAREST CHILD, + + "There are many letters from you waiting to be answered, and I + thank you for them all, and for the confidence you bestow upon me, + which touches me very deeply. + + "Now at last I am able to sit down and feel that I shall have a + quiet half-hour in which to talk to my child, although I dare not + hope that it will be an uninterrupted one! + + "So the life you are leading does not satisfy you, Alex? You tell + me that you come in from the gaieties and amusements and little + parties, which, after all, are natural to your age and to the + position in which God has placed you, full of dissatisfaction and + restlessness of mind. + + "Alex, my dear child, I am not surprised. You will never find that + what the world can offer will satisfy you. Most of us may have + known similar moments of fatigue, of disillusionment, but to a + heart and mind like yours, above all, it is inconceivable that + anything less than Infinity itself should bring any lasting joy. + Let me say what I have so often thought, after our conversations + together in my little room--there is only one way of peace for such + a nature as yours. _Give up all, and you shall find all._ + + "I have thought and prayed over this letter, my little Alex, and am + not writing lightly. You will forgive me if I am going too far, but + I long to see my child at rest, and for such as you there is only + one true rest here. + + "Human love has failed you, and you are left alone, with all your + impulses of sacrifice and devotion to another thrown back upon + yourself. But, Alex, there is One to whom all the love and + tenderness of which you know yourself capable can be offered--and + He _wants_ it. Weak though you are, and all-perfect though He is, + He wants you. + + "I don't think there has been a day since I first heard His call, + when I have not marvelled at the wonder of it--at the infinite + honour done to me. + + "If I have told you more of the secret story of my vocation than to + any one else, it has been for a reason which I think you have + guessed. I have seen for a long while what it was that God asked of + you, Alex, and I believe the time has come when you will see it + too. Your last letter, with its cry of loneliness, and the bitter + sense of being unwanted, has made me almost sure of it. + + "You are not unwanted--you need never be lonely again. '_Leave all + things and follow Me!_' If you hear that call, which I believe with + all my heart to have sounded for you, can you disobey it? Will you + not rather, forsaking all things, follow Him, and in so doing, find + all things?" + + "I have written a long while, and cannot go on now. God bless you + again and again, and help you to be truly generous with Him. + + "Write to me as fully as you will, and count upon my poor prayers + and my most earnest religious affection. I need not add come and + see me again on your return to London. My child will always find + the warmest of welcomes! It was not for nothing that you came into + the convent chapel to find rest and quiet, that summer day, my + Alex! + + "Your devoted Mother in Christ, + + "GERTRUDE OF THE HOLY CROSS." + +Alex stood almost as though transfixed. The letter hardly came as a +surprise. She had long since known subconsciously what was in the +Superior's mind, and yet the expression of it produced in her a sort of +stupefaction. + +Could it be true? + +Was there really such a refuge for her, somewhere a need of her, and of +that passionate desire for self-devotion that was so essential a part of +her? + +The thought brought with it a tingling admixture of bitter +disappointment and of poignant rapture. + +She realized almost despairingly that she could no longer stand in the +hall clasping Mother Gertrude's letter unconsciously to her. + +Already light, flying feet were approaching from the garden. + +"I came to look for you, Alex," said Barbara breathlessly in the +doorway. "They're going to give the prizes. What are you doing?" + +"I'm coming," said Alex mechanically. She was rather surprised that +Barbara should have taken the trouble to come for her. + +"Did mother send you?" + +"No," said Barbara simply; "but I thought it would look very bad if you +kept out of the way of it because you happened to play badly and not win +a prize." + +So Alex assisted at the prize-giving, and saw Lady Essie accept the +jingling, Indian silver bangles that were so much in fashion, with frank +pleasure and gratitude, and saw consolation prizes awarded to Cedric and +to his partner, who appeared entirely delighted, although she had done +nothing at all to deserve distinction. + +"You ought to have a prize, you know," she heard Ralph McAllister tell +Barbara. "If you'd had a better partner you'd have won easily. You play +much better than Lady Essie, really!" + +It was not in the least true that Barbara played better than Lady Essie, +or nearly so well, but she put on a little, gratified, complacent smile, +that apparently satisfied Ralph McAllister quite as well as modest +disclaimers. + +Alex kept out of her partner's way, and avoided his eye. Not much +probability that _he_ would address flattering speeches to her! + +All the time a subconscious emotion was surging through her at the +thought of Mother Gertrude's letter and what it contained. + +"The life you are leading does not satisfy you. You will never find that +what the world can offer will satisfy you." + +It was true enough, Heaven knew, Alex thought drearily, as she addressed +perfunctory and obviously absent-minded civilities to her mother's +guests. + +In the sense of depression engendered by the afternoon's failure, no +less than by the sight of McAllister's evident delight in Barbara's +demure, patently-artificial, alternate coyness and gaiety, Alex realized +both her own eternal dissatisfaction with her surroundings and the +subtle allurement of a renunciation that should yet promise her all that +she most longed for. + + + + +XVIII + +Crisis + + +When Alex went back to London in the beginning of October, it was with a +sensation as though an enormous gulf of time had been traversed between +her visits to the convent in the hot, arid summer days and her return +there. For one thing the cold weather had set in early and with unusual +severity, and the sight of fires and winter furs seemed to succeed with +startling rapidity to the roses and lawn-tennis at Windsor. + +In her first greeting with Mother Gertrude, too, Alex was strongly +conscious of that indefinable sensation of having made some strange, +almost unguessed-at progress in a direction of which she was only now +becoming aware. It frightened her when the Superior, gazing at her with +those light, steady eyes that now held a depth of undisguised +tenderness, spoke firmly, with an implication that could no longer be +denied or ignored. + +"So the great decision is taken, little Alex. And if peace has not yet +come to you, do not feel dismayed. It will come, as surely as I stand +here and tell you of it. But there may be--there must be--conflict +first." + +Whether she spoke of the conflict which Alex foresaw, half with dread +and half with exultation, as inevitable between herself and her +surroundings, or of some deeper, inward dissension in Alex' own soul, +she could not tell. + +But there was both joy and a certain excitement in having her destiny so +much taken for granted, and the mystical and devotional works to which +the Superior gave her free access worked upon her imagination, and +dispelled many of her lingering doubts. Those which lay deepest in her +soul, she never examined. She was almost, though not quite, unaware of +their existence, and to probe deeper into that faint, underlying +questioning would have seemed a disloyalty equally to that intangible +possession which she had begun to think of as her vocation, and to +Mother Gertrude. The sense of closer companionship--of a more intimate +spiritual union expressed, though never explicitly so in words, in her +relation with the Superior, was unutterably precious to Alex. In the joy +that it brought her she read merely another manifestation and the +consolation to be found in the way of the Spirit. + +A feeling of impending crisis, however, hung over the hurrying days of +that brief November, when the convent parlour in the afternoons was +illuminated by a single gas-jet that cast strange, clean-cut shadows on +the white-washed walls. + +Just before Christmas Sir Francis spoke: + +"What is this violent attraction that takes you out with your maid in +the opposite direction to your mother's expeditions with Barbara?" he +suddenly inquired of Alex one evening, very stiffly. + +She started and coloured, having retained all the childish, uneasy +belief that her father lived in an atmosphere far above that into which +the sound and sight of his children's daily doings could penetrate to +his knowledge without the special intervention of some accredited +emissary such as their mother. + +As he spoke Lady Isabel looked up, and Barbara left the piano and came +slowly down the room. + +"_It has come_" flashed through Alex' mind. She only said very lamely: + +"I--I don't know what you mean, father." There was all the shifting +uneasiness in her manner that Sir Francis most disliked. + +"Oh, darling, don't prevaricate," hastily broke in Lady Isabel, with an +obvious uneasiness that gave the impression of being rooted in something +deeper and of longer standing than the atmosphere of disturbance +momentarily created. + +"But you did not want me to come with you and Barbara to the Stores this +afternoon," said Alex cravenly. The instinct of evading the direct issue +was so strongly implanted in her, that she was prepared to have recourse +to the feeblest and least convincing of subterfuges in order to gain +time. + +"Of course, I don't want you to come _anywhere_ when it all so obviously +bores you," plaintively said Lady Isabel. "I have almost given up trying +to take you anywhere, Alex, as you very well know. You evidently prefer +to go and sit in a little stuffy back-room somewhere with Heaven knows +whom, sooner than remain in the company of your mother and sister." + +Alex felt too much dismayed and unwillingly convicted to make any reply, +but after a momentary silence Sir Francis spoke ominously. + +"Indeed! is that so?" + +The suspicion that had laid dormant in Alex for a long time woke to +life. Her father's disappointment in her, none the less keenly felt +because inarticulate, had become merged into a far greater bitterness: +that of his resentment on behalf of his wife. A personal grievance he +might overlook, though once perceived he would never forget it, but +where Lady Isabel's due was concerned, her husband was capable of +implacability. + +"And may one inquire whose is the society which you find so preferable +to that of your family?" he asked her, with the manifest sarcasm that in +him denoted the extreme of anger. + +Alex was constitutionally so much terrified of disapproval that it +produced in her a veritable physical inability to explain herself. She +cast an agonized look around her. Her mother was leaning back, her face +strained and tired, and would not meet her eye. Sir Francis, she knew +without daring to look at him, was swinging his eye-glasses to and fro, +with a measured regularity that indicated his determination to wait +inexorably and for any length of time for a reply to his inquiry. +Barbara's big, alert eyes moved from one member of the group to another, +acute and full of appraisement of them all. + +Alex flung a wordless appeal to her sister. Barbara did not fail to +receive and understand it, and after a moment she spoke: + +"Alex goes to see the Superior of that convent near Bryanston Square. +She made friends with her in the summer, didn't you, Alex?" + +"Yes," faltered Alex. Some instinct of trying to palliate what she felt +would be looked upon as undesirable made her add in feeble extenuation, +"It is a house of the same Order as the Liège one where I was at school, +you know." + +"Your devotion to it was not so marked in those days, if I remember +right," said her father in the same, rather elaborately sarcastic +strain. + +Lady Isabel, no less uneasy under it than was Alex herself, broke in +with nervous exasperation in her every intonation: + +"Oh, Francis, it is the same old story--one of those foolish +infatuations. You know what she has always been like, and how worried I +was about that dreadful Torrance girl. It's this nun now, I suppose." + +"Who is this woman?" + +"How should I know?" helplessly said Lady Isabel. "Alex?" + +"The Superior--the Head of the house." Alex stopped. How could one say, +"Mother Gertrude of the Holy Cross?" She did not even know what the +Superior's name in the world had been, or where she came from. + +"Go on," said Sir Francis inexorably. + +They were all looking at her, and sheer desperation came to her help. + +"Why shouldn't I have friends?... What is all this about?" Alex asked +wildly. "It's my own life. I don't want to be undutiful, but why can't I +live my own life? Everything I ever do is wrong, and I know you and +father are disappointed in me, but I don't know how to be different--I +wish I did." She was crying bitterly now. "You wanted me to marry Noel, +and I would have if I could, but I knew that it would all have been +wrong, and we should have made each other miserable. Only when I did +break it off, it all seemed wrong and heartless, and I don't know _what_ +to do--" She felt herself becoming incoherent, and the tension of the +atmosphere grew almost unbearable. + +Sir Francis Clare spoke, true to the traditions of his day, viewing with +something very much like horror the breaking down of those defences of a +conventional reserve that should lay bare the undisciplined emotions of +the soul. + +"You have said enough, Alex. There are certain things that we do not put +into words.... You are unhappy, my child, you have said so yourself, and +it has been sufficiently obvious for some time." + +"But what is it that you want, Alex? What would make you happy?" her +mother broke in, piteously enough. + +In the face of their perplexity, Alex lost the last feeble clue to her +own complexity. She did not know what she wanted--to make them happy, to +be happy herself, to be adored and admired and radiantly successful, +never to know loneliness, or misunderstanding again--such thoughts +surged chaotically through her mind as she stood there sobbing, and +could find no words except the childish foolish formula, "I don't know." + +She saw Barbara's eager, protesting gaze flash upon her, and heard her +half-stifled exclamation of wondering contempt. Sir Francis turned to +his younger daughter, almost as though seeking elucidation from her +obvious certainties--her crude assurance with life. + +"Oh!" said little Barbara, her hands clenched, "they ask you what you +want, what would make you happy--they are practically offering you +anything you want in the world--you could choose anything, and you stand +there and cry and say you don't know! Oh, Alex--you--_you idiot_!" + +"Hush!" said Sir Francis, shocked, and Lady Isabel put out her white +hand with its glittering weight of rings and laid it gently on Barbara's +shoulder, and she too said, "Hush, darling! why are you so vehement? +You're happy, aren't you, Barbara?" + +"Of course," said Barbara, wriggling. "Only if you and father asked me +what _I_ would like, and I had only to say what I wanted, I could think +of such millions of things--for us to have a house in the country, and +to give a real, proper big ball next year, and for you to let me go to +restaurant dinners sometimes, and not only those dull parties and--heaps +of things like that. It's such an _opportunity_, and Alex is wasting it +all! The only thing she wants is to sit and talk and talk and talk with +some dull old nun at that convent!" + +Long afterwards Alex was to remember and ponder over again and again +that denunciation of Barbara's. It was all fact--was it all true? Was +that what she was fighting for--that the goal of her vehement, inchoate +rebellion? Had she sought in Mother Gertrude's society the relief of +self-expression only, or was her infatuation for the nun the channel +through which she hoped to find those abstract possessions of the spirit +which might constitute the happiness she craved? + +Nothing of all the questionings that were to come later invaded her +mind, as she stood sobbing and self-convicted at the crises of her +relations with her childhood's home. + +"Don't cry so, Alex darlin'." Lady Isabel sank back into her armchair. +"Don't cry like that--it's so bad for you and I can't bear it. We only +want to know how we can make you happier than you are. It's so dreadful, +Alex--you've got everything, I should have thought--a home, and parents +who love you--it isn't every girl that has a father like yours, some of +them care nothing for their daughters--and you're young and pretty and +with good health--you might have such a perfect time, even if you _have_ +made a mistake, poor little thing, there'll be other people, +Alex--you'll know better another time ... only I can't bear it if you +lose all your looks by frettin' and refusin' to go anywhere, and every +one asks me where my eldest daughter is and why she doesn't make more +friends, and enjoy things--" Lady Isabel's voice trailed away. She +looked unutterably tired. They had none of them heard so emotional a +ring in her voice ever before. + +Sir Francis looked down at his wife in silence, and his gaze was as +tender as his voice was stern when he finally spoke. + +"This cannot go on. You have done everything to please Alex--to try and +make her happy, and it has all been of no use. Let her take her own way! +We have failed." + +"No!" almost shrieked Alex. + +"What do you mean? We have your own word for it and your sister's that +you are not happy at home, and infinitely prefer the society of some +woman of whom we know nothing, in surroundings which I should have +thought would have proved highly uncongenial to one of my daughters, +brought up among well-bred people. But apparently I am mistaken. + +"It is the modern way, I am told. A young girl uses her father's house +to shelter and feed her, and seeks her own friends and her own interests +the while, with no reference to her parents' wishes. + +"But not in this case, Alex. I have your mother and your sisters to +consider. Your folly is embittering the home life that might be so happy +and pleasant for all of us. Look at your mother!" + +Lady Isabel was in tears. + +"What shall I do?" said Alex wildly. "Let me go right away and not spoil +things any more." + +"You have said it," replied Sir Francis gravely, and inclined his head. + +"Francis, what are you tellin' her? How can she go away from us? It's +her home, until she marries." + +Lady Isabel's voice was full of distressed perplexity. + +"My dear love, don't don't agitate yourself. This is her home, as you +say, and is always open to her. But until she has learnt to be happy +there, let her seek these new friends, whom she so infinitely prefers. +Let her go to this nun." + +Alex, at his words, felt a rush of longing for the tenderness, the grave +understanding of Mother Gertrude, the atmosphere of the quiet convent +parlour where she had never heard reproach or accusation. + +"Oh, yes, let me go there," she sobbed childishly. "I'll try and be good +there. I'll come back good, indeed I will." + +Barbara's little, cool voice cut across her sobs: + +"How can you go there? Will they let you stay? What will every one +think?" + +"So many girls take up slumming and good works now-a-days," said Lady +Isabel wearily. "Every one knows she's been upset and unhappy for a long +while. It may be the best plan. My poor darling, when you're tired of +it, you can come back, and we'll try again." + +There was no reproach at all in her voice now, only exhaustion, and a +sort of relief at having reached a conclusion. + +"You hear what your mother says. If her angelic love and patience do not +touch you, Alex, you must indeed be heartless. Make your arrangements, +and remember, my poor child, that as long as her arms remain open to +you, I will receive you home again with love and patience and without +one word of reproach." + +He opened the door for Lady Isabel and followed slowly from the room, +his iron-grey head shaking a little. + +Alex flung herself down, and Barbara laid her hand half timidly on her +sister's, in one of her rare caresses. + +"Don't cry, Alex. Are you really going? It's much the best idea, of +course, and by the time you come back they may have something else to +think about." + +She giggled a little, self-consciously, and waited, as though to be +questioned. + +"I might be engaged to be married, or something like that, and then +you'd come back to be my bridesmaid, and no one would think of anything +unhappy." + +Alex made no answer. Her tears had exhausted her and she felt weak and +tired. + +"How are you going to settle it all?" pursued Barbara tirelessly. +"Hadn't you better write to them and see if they'll have you? Supposing +Mother Gertrude said you couldn't go there?" + +A pang of terror shot through Alex at the thought. + +"Oh, no, no! She won't say she couldn't have me." + +She went blindly to the carved writing-table with its heavy gilt and +cut-glass appointments, and drew a sheet of paper towards her. + +Barbara stood watching her curiously. Feeling as though the power of +consecutive thought had almost left her, Alex scrawled a few words and +addressed them to the Superior. + +"We can send it round by hand," said Barbara coolly. "Then you'll know +tonight." + +Alex looked utterly bewildered. + +"It's quite early--Holland can go in a cab." + +Barbara rang the bell importantly and gave her instructions in a small, +hard voice. + +"It's no use just waiting about for days and days," she said to Alex. +"It makes the whole house feel horrid, and father is so grave and +sarcastic at meals, and it makes mother ill. You'd much rather be there +than here, wouldn't you, Alex?" + +Alex thought again of the Superior's welcome, which had never failed +her--the Superior who knew nothing of her wicked ingratitude and +undutifulness at home, and repeated miserably: + +"Yes, yes, I'd much rather be there than here." + +The answer to the note came much more quickly than they had expected it. +Barbara heard the cab stop in the square outside, and ran down into the +hall. She came back in a moment with a small, twisted note. + +"What does it say, Alex?" + +Alex read the tiny missive, and a great throb of purest relief and +comfort went through her. + +"I may go at once. She is waiting for me now, this minute, if I like." + +"What did I tell you?" cried Barbara triumphantly. + +She looked sharply at her sister, who was unconsciously clasping the +little note as though she derived positive consolation from the contact. +She went to the door. + +"Holland! is the cab still there?" + +"Yes, Miss Barbara." + +"Why don't you go back in it now, Alex?" + +"Tonight?" + +"Why not? She says she's waiting for you, and it would all be much +easier than a lot of good-byes and things, with father and mother." + +"I couldn't go without telling them." + +"I'll tell them." + +Alex felt no strength, only a longing for quiet and for Mother Gertrude. + +"Ask if I may," she said faintly. + +Barbara darted out of the room. + +When she came back, Alex heard her giving orders to Holland to pack a +dressing-bag with things for the night. + +Then she hurried into the room again. + +"They said yes," she announced. "I think they agree with me that it's +much the best thing to do it at once. After all, you're only going for a +little visit. Mother said I was to give you her love. She's lying down." + +"Shall I go in to her?" + +"You'd better not. Father's there too. I've told Holland to pack your +bag. We can send the other things tomorrow." + +"But I shan't want much. It's only for a little while." + +"Yes, that's all, isn't it?" said Barbara quickly. "It's only for a +little while. Shall I fetch your things, Alex?" + +Alex was relieved to be spared the ascent to the top of the house, for +which her limbs felt far too weary. She sat and looked round her at the +big, double drawing-room, crowded with heavy Victorian furniture, and +upholstered in yellow, brocaded satin. She had always thought it a +beautiful room, and the recollection of its splendour and of the big, +gilt-framed pictures and mirrors that hung round its wall, was mingled +with the earliest memories of her nursery days. + +"Here you are," said Barbara. "I've brought your fur boa too, because +it's sure to be cold. Holland has got your bag." + +Without a word Alex rose, and they went down the broad staircase. + +"I hope it'll be nice," said Barbara cheerfully. + +"It's very brave of you to go, I think, Alex, and you'll write and tell +me all about it, and how you like poor people, and all that sort of +thing." + +Alex realized that her sister was talking for the benefit of the +servants. + +There was a rush of icy, sleet-laden wind, as the front door was opened. + +"Gracious, what a night!" + +Barbara retreated to the stairs again. + +"Good-bye, Alex. Let me know what things you want sent on." + +"Good-bye," said Alex, apathetic from fatigue. + +She turned and waved her hand once to Barbara, a slim, alert little +figure clinging to the great, carved foot of the balustrade, the +lamp-light casting a radiance over her light, puffed-out hair, and +gleaming fitfully over the shining steel buckles on her pointed shoes. + +Alex hurried through the cold evening to the shelter of the cab. + +It jolted slowly through the lighted streets, and she leant back, her +eyes closed. + +A wave of sick apprehension surged over her every now and then, and she +shivered spasmodically under her fur. + +"Here we are, Miss. Shall I get out and ring, so that you won't have to +wait in this cold?" said the maid compassionately. + +From the dark corner of the cab Alex watched the trim, black-clad figure +mount the steps. + +There was always a long wait before the convent door was opened. + +But tonight it was flung back and warm light streamed out. + +Alex, cold and frightened, stumbled up the steps in her turn. + +It was not the old portress who had thrown back the open door. + +The Superior was waiting, her hands outstretched. + +"My child, my child, come in! Welcome home." + + + + + +Book II + + + + +XIX + +Belgium + + +"Sister Alexandra, I have put a letter in your cell. And will you go to +Mother Gertrude's room after Vespers?" + +"Thank you, Sister. I wonder if Mother Gertrude remembers that I have to +go down to the children at five o'clock, though?" + +"Oh, I dare say not. Perhaps you could get some one to replace you +there. Shall I see if Sister Agnes is free?" + +"Thank you, I will speak to Mother Gertrude first." + +The nuns separated, the lay-sister returning to her eternal task of +polishing up the brasses and gilt candlesticks of the chapel perpetually +dimmed by the rain and mists of the Belgian climate, and Alexandra +Clare, professed religious, wearily mounted the steep, narrow stairs to +the tiny cubicle in the large dormitory, designated a "cell." There +would just be time to fetch the letter and put it into the deep pocket +of her habit before the bell rang for Vespers, otherwise they would have +to wait till next morning, for she knew there would be no spare instant +for even a momentary return to the cell until she went to bed that +night, far too tired for anything but such rest as her pallet-bed could +afford. She felt little or no curiosity as to her correspondence. + +Nobody wrote to her except Barbara, who had kept her posted in all the +general family news with fair regularity for the past nine years. + +She recognized without elation the narrow envelope with the thin black +edge affected by Barbara ever since she had become the widow of Ralph +McAllister, during the course of the war in South Africa. It all seemed +to her very remote. The fact that Mother Gertrude had sent for her after +Vespers was of far more importance than any news that Barbara might have +to give of the outside world that seemed so far away and unreal. + +Sister Alexandra had not been very greatly moved by any echoes from +without, since the sudden shock of hearing of her mother's death, while +she herself was still a novice preparing to take final vows. + +Alex still remembered the bewilderment of seeing a black-clad, sobbing, +schoolgirl Pamela in the parlour, and the frozen rigidity of grief which +had masked her father's anguish. + +Barbara and Ralph McAllister had been recalled from their honeymoon--he +still rapturous at a marriage which had been deferred for nearly two +years owing to Sir Francis' objection to his profession, and Barbara +drowned in decorous tears, through which shone all the self-conscious +glory of her wedding-ring, and her new position as a married woman. Alex +had been thankful when those trying interviews had come to an end--she +had been sent to Liège just before her religious profession. It had +mitigated the wrench of a separation from her Superior, although the +first months spent away from Mother Gertrude had seemed to her +unutterably long and dreary. But less than a year later Mother Gertrude +had come to the Mother-house as Assistant Superior, and the intercourse +between them had been as unbroken as the rule permitted. + +It was eight years since Alex had left England, but, except for the +extreme cold of the winter, which told upon her health yearly, she had +grown to be quite unaware of the surroundings outside. The wave of +rather febrile patriotism that rolled over England at the time of the +Boer War, left her quite untouched, and no description of Barbara's +conveyed anything to her mind of the astoundingly wholesale demolition +of old ideals that fell with the death of Victoria, and the succession +of Edward VII to the English throne. + +For Alex there was no change, except the unseen progress of time itself. +She only realized how far apart she had grown from the old life when the +news of her father's death reached her in the winter of 1902, and woke +in her only a plaintive pity and self-reproachful wonder at her own +absence of any acute emotion. + +No one came to see her in the parlour after Sir Francis' death. For one +thing, she was in Belgium and too far away to be easily visited, and the +South African casualties, amongst whom had numbered Barbara's young +husband, had familiarized them all with the ideas of death and parting, +so that there was little of the consternation and shock that Lady +Isabel's death had brought to her children. The house in Clevedon Square +knew no more big receptions and elaborate At Home days, but Cedric, +already of age, had taken over the headship of the household, and Alex +had been conscious of a vague relief that she could still picture the +surroundings she remembered as home for the boys and Pamela. Even that +picture had become dim and strangely elusive, three years later, at the +thought of Cedric's marriage. + +Alex had accepted it, however, as she accepted most things now, with a +passivity that carried no conviction to her mind. What her outer +knowledge told her was true, failed to impress itself in any way upon +her imagination, and consequently left her feelings quite untouched. To +her inner vision, the life outside remained exactly as she had last seen +it, in that summer that she still thought of as "Diamond Jubilee year." + +Inside the convent, things had not changed. Looking back, she could +remember a faint feeling of amusement when she had returned to the house +at Liège at twenty-two years old, believing herself to be immeasurably +advanced in years and experience since her schooldays, and had found +that scarcely any alteration or modification in the rule-bound convent +had taken place. She now sat among the other nuns at the monthly +_réclame_ and watched the girls rise one by one in their places, their +hands concealed under the ugly black-stuff pèlerine, their hair tightly +and unbecomingly strained back, their young faces demurely made heavy +and impassive, as they listened to the record read aloud just as +unrelentingly as ever by old Mère Alphonsine. + +Sister Alexandra very rarely contributed any words of praise or blame to +the judgment. At first she had been young, and therefore not expected to +raise her voice amongst the many dignitaries present, but even now, when +by convent standards she had attained to the maturity of middle age, her +opinion would have been of little value. + +She was seldom sent among the children, although she gave an English +lesson to the _moyennes_ on two evenings a week. In her first year at +Liège, there had been an American girl of fourteen who had taken a +sudden rapturous liking to her, which had never proceeded beyond the +initial stages, since Alex, without explanation, had merely been told to +hand over the charge of the child's English and French lessons hitherto +in her hands, and had herself been transferred to other duties. Since +then, she had been kept on the Community side of the house, and employed +principally by Mother Gertrude to assist with the enormous task of +correspondence that fell to the share of the Assistant Superior. She was +taught to sew, and a large amount of mending passed through her hands +and was badly accomplished, for Lady Isabel Clare's daughter had learned +little that could be of use to her in the life she had selected. She was +not even sufficiently musical to give lessons in piano or organ playing, +nor had she any of the artistic talent that might be utilized for the +perpetration of the various pious _objects d'art_ that adorned the walls +of the parlours or the class-room. + +Nevertheless, Sister Alexandra was hard-worked. No one was ever anything +else at the convent, where the chanting of the daily Office alone was a +very considerable physical strain, both in the raw cold of the early +morning and at the dose of the ceaselessly occupied day. Many of the +nuns said the Office apart, owing to the numerous duties that called +them from the chapel during the hours of praise and supplication, but +Sister Alexandra had so few outside calls upon her time that she was one +of the most regular in attendance. + +At first her health had appeared to improve under the extreme regularity +of the life, and later, when her final vows had been made, it was no +longer a subject for speculation. She was not ill, and therefore need +never reproach herself with being a burden to her Community. Anything +else did not matter--one was tired, no doubt--but one had made the +sacrifice of one's life.... Thus the conventual creed. + +Time had sped by, with strange, monotonous, unperceived rapidity. It was +all a matter of waiting for the next thing. At first, Alex Clare had +waited eagerly and nervously to be taught some mysterious secret that +would enable her to become miraculously happy and good at home in +Clevedon Square. Then she had gradually come to see that there would be +no return--that her home thenceforward would be with Mother Gertrude, +and in the convent. Her novitiate days had come next--strange, trying +apprenticeship, that had been lightened and comforted by the woman whose +powerful and magnetic personality had never failed to assert itself and +its strength. + +Belgium, and the anguished waiting and hoping for orders to return to +London, and the growing certainty that those orders would not come, had +culminated in the rush of relief and joy that heralded Mother Gertrude's +unexpected transfer to the Mother-house. After that, her first vows, +taken for a term of two years, had inaugurated the long probationary +period at the end of which a final and irrevocable pledge would bind her +for ever to the way of the chosen few. Those perpetual vows were held +out to her as the goal and crown of life itself, and her mind had +speculated not at all on what should follow. + +She was twenty-six before she was allowed to become a professed +religious--according to conventual standards, no longer a very young +woman. The delay had inflamed her ardour very much. It was +characteristic of Alex to believe implicitly in an overwhelming +transformation which should take place within her by virtue of one +definite act, so long anticipated as to have acquired the proportions of +a miracle. + +It sometimes seemed to her that ever since the embracing of those +perpetual vows, she had lived on, waiting for the transformation to +operate. There was nothing else to wait for. The supreme act in the life +of a religious, to the accomplishment of which her whole being had +hitherto been tending, impelled at once by precept and by example, had +taken place. + +The next initiation could only be obtained through death itself, yet +Alex was still waiting. + +She would tell herself that she was waiting for the children's summer +holidays for the beginning of the new term, then for the season of +Advent and the Christmas festival, for the long stretch of Lenten weeks, +with its additional fastings and fatigue, and still as each year slipped +by the sense of unfulfilment remained with her, dormant but occasionally +stirring. + +In the last four years she had become additionally sensible of a growing +exhaustion, that seemed to sap her spirit no less than the strength of +her body. She had waited for her weariness to culminate in a breakdown +of strength that should send her to the convent infirmary, when the rest +that her body craved would be imposed upon her as an obligation, but no +such relief came to her. + +It sometimes struck her with a feeling of wonder that such utter +lassitude of flesh and spirit alike could continue with no apparent and +drastic effect upon her powers of following the daily rule. But she had +no time in which to think, for the most part, and the example of Mother +Gertrude's unflagging energy could always shame her into un-complaint. +Her devotion to the elder nun had inevitably increased by the very +restrictions that the convent rules placed upon their intercourse. + +Even now, after so many years spent beneath the same roof, the thought +that she was summoned to a private interview with Mother Gertrude could +still make her heart beat faster. Since the days of her novitiate, there +had been few such opportunities, and those for the most part hurried and +interrupted. + +Sister Alexandra went downstairs with a lightened heart. + +The bell from the chapel rang out its daily summons, and she +mechanically took off her black-stuff apron, folded and put it away, and +turned her steps down the long passage. + +Her hands were folded under her long sleeves and her head bent beneath +her veil, in the attitude prescribed. + +Barbara's letter lay in the depths of her pocket, already forgotten. + +Her thoughts had flown ahead, and she was hoping that the Superior would +allow her to send Sister Agnes in her stead to the children at five +o'clock. + +In the chapel, she raised her eyes furtively to the big, carved stall on +a raised daïs where the Assistant Superior had her place during the +frequent absence of the Superior-General. + +Mother Gertrude was very often claimed in the parlour or elsewhere, even +during the hours of recital of the Office, and Alex was always aware of +a faint but perceptible pang of jealousy when this was the case. + +Tonight, however, the stately black-robed figure was present. She was +always upright and immovable, and her eyes were always downcast to her +book. + +Alex went through the Psalms, chanted on the accustomed single high +note, and was hardly conscious of a word she uttered. Long repetition +had very soon dulled her appreciation of the words, and her +understanding of even Church Latin had never been more than superficial. + +She had come to regard it as part of that pervading and overwhelming +fatigue, that she should bring nothing but a faint distaste to her +compulsory religious exercises. + +Towards the close of Vespers she saw a lay-sister come on tiptoe into +the chapel, and kneeling down beside Mother Gertrude's daïs, begin a +whispered communication. + +Immediately a feverish agony of impatience invaded her. + +No doubt some imperative summons to an interview with the parents of a +nun or a child, or consultation in the infirmary, where two or three +little girls lay with some lingering childish ailment, had come to rob +the Superior of her anticipated free time. + +Alex, in nervous despair, saw her bend her head in acquiescence. + +The lay-sister retired as noiselessly as she had come, and Mother +Gertrude closed her book. + +The concluding versicles and prayers were spoken kneeling, and Alex was +compelled to turn towards the High Altar. + +She was quivering from head to foot, and gripped the arms of her stall +in order to restrain herself from turning her head. Every nerve was +strained in her attempt to hear any movement at the back of the chapel, +but she could distinguish nothing. + +The few minutes that elapsed before the bell sounded for rising, seemed +to her interminable. + +She had grown accustomed lately to the grip of these nervous agonies, to +which she became a prey for the most trivial of causes. + +The modern exploitation of hysteria, however, was still in its embryo +stage, half-way between the genteel hysterics of the 'sixties and the +suppressed neuroticism of the new century. She did not diagnose her +complaint. With the sensation, familiar to her, of blood pumping from +her heart to her head, making her face burn, while her hands and feet +remained dead and cold, she rose from her knees. + +Although she had expected nothing else, a feeling of sick disappointment +invaded her as she saw that the Superior's place had been noiselessly +vacated. + +With leaden feet, she moved out of the chapel and slowly resumed the +black apron and the stuff sleeves that protected her habit. + +In the absence of any direct order to the contrary, she knew that she +must take her accustomed place in the class-room of the _moyennes_, and +that the English lesson must proceed as usual. + +"A vos places." + +She had long ago learnt to speak French fluently, but never without an +unmistakable British accent and intonation. + +Subconsciously she was always rather relieved, on that account, when the +preliminaries were done with, and the lesson could be given, according +to the rules, in the English tongue. + +"Simone! Begin, please." + +Sister Alexandra, seated at the desk, held the book open in front of +her, and her eyes rested upon the page, but her mind took in neither the +meaning of the printed words nor the sense conveyed by Simone's droning, +inexpressive voice. + +She wondered whether some one would come to take her place at the desk +and tell her that Mother Gertrude was waiting for her downstairs. + +A sudden, stealthy opening of the class-room door made her look up with +a flash of hope, but it was only a little girl late for her lesson and +sidling in, hoping to escape notice. + +Alex did not even trouble to give her the accustomed bad mark. + +It would have meant opening her desk, and pulling out the mistress's +note-book, and looking for a pencil, and she felt too tired. In her +earlier days at the convent she would have felt ashamed at the thought +of yielding to such slothful unconcern, and would have magnified the +omission into a sin, to be confessed with shame to Mother Gertrude. + +Now, she was too tired to care, and besides, she never saw Mother +Gertrude. Even the poor little half-hour that had been held out to her +was not to be hers, after all. She brooded in resentment over the +thought. + +A titter going round the room roused her. + +"What are you saying, Simone?" + +Simone stared back at her stupidly, but another keen-faced girl in the +front row of desks spoke eagerly: + +"She's said nearly all through the lesson, there's nothing left for any +one else to say." + +"You can repeat it afterwards," said Alex coldly. + +She was vexed that her inattention should have been betrayed to the +class, and presently she gave her full attention to the recital. + +Just as it was over, the young novice, Sister Agnes, came into the room +and, approaching the desk, spoke to Alex in a lowered voice: + +"Mother Gertrude sent me, Sister. Will you go down to her and wait in +her room? She will come in a moment. I am to take the children back to +the study-room for you." + +"Thank you," said Alex, trembling. The revulsion of feeling was so +strong that she felt the chords tightening in her throat, which denoted +approaching tears, such as she often shed for no adequate reason. She +left the room. + +The Assistant Superior's room on the ground floor was vacant. + +Alex sat down on the low, rush-bottomed chair drawn close to the +Superior's table, and closed her eyes. Now that her agony of suspense +was ended, she became even more overwhelmingly conscious of fatigue, and +began to wonder, almost against her will, whether Mother Gertrude would +not notice it, and perhaps tell her that she was to go to bed after +supper and not come to the recital of Office in the chapel. + +She wondered whether she looked tired. There were no looking-glasses in +the convent, but sometimes she had seen her own reflection in the big, +full-length mirror of the sacristy, and she knew that she had lost her +colour, and that her face had grown thin, with heavy, black circles +underneath her eyes. She knew, too, that her step had lost any +elasticity, and that she stooped far more than in the days when Lady +Isabel had implored her to "hold up" so that her pretty frocks might be +seen to advantage. + +Waiting in the small room, with its carefully-closed window, and the big +writing-table stacked with papers, and a great crucifix standing upright +in the midst of them, she began for the first time to speculate as to +the reason of her summons. + +It occurred to her, with a slight sense of shock, that such a summons, +in the case of nun or novice, had very often been the prelude to an +announcement of bad news, such as the death of a relative at home. + +Hastily she pulled out Barbara's letter and glanced through it. + +There was no hint of approaching disaster in the rather set little +phrases, and the four small sheets were mostly concerned with the fact +that Barbara was finding it necessary to move into a still smaller house +than the one that she and Ralph had taken at Hampstead after their +improvident marriage. + +Pamela was at Clevedon Square with Cedric and his wife. She was going to +heaps of parties, and every one thought her very pretty and amusing. + +There was no mention of Archie, and Alex hastily ransacked her memory as +to his whereabouts. + +Since the first year of her novitiate in London she had never seen her +youngest brother, and although she felt a fleeting sorrow at the thought +of harm having befallen him, her tenderness was for the little, +curly-haired boy in a sailor suit with whom she had played and +quarrelled in the Clevedon Square nursery, and not for the unknown youth +of later years. + +As she speculated, the well-known tread of the Assistant Superior +sounded down the corridors--a hasty, decisive footstep. Alex sprang to +her feet as the door opened. + +"Oh, what is it?" she cried, at the first sight of the Superior's face. + +The strong, lined countenance, suffused with agitation, bore every mark +of violent disturbance. + +Her deep voice, however, was as well under control as ever, although +strong emotion underlay its vibrant quality. + +"My little Sister, you have a big sacrifice before you. I cannot pretend +to think that it will not cost you dear, as it will me. But we know Who +asks it of us." + +"What?" gasped Alex again, utterly at a loss, but feeling the blood ebb +from her face. + +"Our Mother-General has appointed me as Superior to the new house in +South America. The boat sails at the end of this week." + + + + +XX + +Aftermath + + +Alex could not believe the extent of the calamity that had befallen her, +nor did she realize at first that the very mainspring of her life in the +convent was attacked. + +It astounded her to perceive that to the rest of the community the news +brought no overwhelming shock. + +Such sudden uprootings and transfers were not uncommon, and the notice +given was generally a twenty-four hour one. Mother Gertrude had nearly a +week in which to make her few preparations for an exile that almost +certainly was for life, and to prepare herself as far as possible for +new and heavy responsibilities. + +The Superior-General was herself proceeding to South America with the +little band of chosen pioneers, representative of almost every European +house of the Order, and after inaugurating the establishment of the new +venture, was to return to Liège, with one lay-sister only as companion. + +In the general concern for her welfare and admiration of her courage in +undertaking such a journey on the eve of her sixty-third birthday, it +seemed to Alex that all other considerations were overlooked or ignored +entirely. + +She was aware that the convent spirit of detachment, so much advocated, +and the consciousness of that vow of obedience made freely and fully, +would alike preclude the possibility of any spoken protest or +lamentation over the separation. + +The severing of human ties was part and parcel of a nun's sacrifice, and +her life was in the hands of her spiritual superiors. + +There was no discussion possible. + +Mother Gertrude, although the look of strain was deepening round her +eyes and mouth, went steadily about her duties and spared herself in +nothing. + +Her place was to be taken temporarily by a French nun who had been for +many years at Liège, and the charge was handed over with the least +possible dislocation. + +It was on a Tuesday night that Mother Gertrude had been told of the +destiny in store for her, and on the following Saturday she was to +proceed with her Superior to Paris, and thence to Marseilles to the +boat. + +Wednesday and Thursday Alex never saw her. + +She had expected it, and was, moreover, far too much stunned to realize +anything beyond the immediate necessity for taking her habitual place in +the Community life without betraying the sense of utter despair that was +hovering over her. + +On Friday afternoon Mother Gertrude said to her: + +"I have not had one spare moment to give you, my poor child. But I think +you know everything that I would say to you? Be very, very faithful, +Sister, and remember that these separations may be for life, but all +Eternity is before us." + +Alex could capture nothing of the rapt assurance that lay in the +upraised eyes and vibrant voice. + +"What shall I do without you?" she asked despairingly, feeling how +inadequate the words were to voice her sense of utter deprivation. + +The light, watchful eyes of the Superior seemed to pierce through her. + +"Don't say that, dear child. You do not depend in any sense upon another +creature. I have been nothing to you but a means to an end. It was given +to me to help you a little, years ago, to find your holy vocation. You +know that human friendships in themselves mean nothing." + +Something in Alex seemed to be crying and protesting aloud in +heart-broken repudiation of the formula to which her lips had so often +subscribed, but her own tacit acquiescence of years rose to rebuke her, +and the dread of vexing and alienating the Supervisor at this eleventh +hour. + +Dumbly she knelt down on the floor beside the Superior's chair. + +Mother Gertrude looked at her compassionately enough, but with the +strange remoteness induced by the long cultivation of an absolutely +impersonal relation towards humanity. + +"My poor little Sister, sometimes lately I have wondered whether I have +been altogether wise in my treatment of you, and whether I have not +allowed you to give way to natural affection too much. Perhaps this +break has come in time. You must remember that you have renounced _all_ +earthly ties, even the holiest and most sacred ones, and therefore you +must be ready to make any sacrifice for the sake of your one, supreme +Love. There is so much I should like to say to you, but time is getting +short now, and there is a great deal to be done. God bless you, my +child." + +The Superior laid her hand on Sister Alexandra's bent head. + +Alex clasped it desperately. + +"I shall still be your child always?" she almost wailed, with a weight +of things unspoken on her heart, and in a last frantic attempt to carry +away one definite assurance. + +The slightest possible severity mingled in Mother Gertrude's clear gaze, +bent downwards as she rose to her full height, her carriage as upright +and as dignified as it had been ten years before. + +"No, Sister," she said very distinctly. "You will be the child of +whatever Superior God may send you in my place." + +"You know that we in the convent have no human ties, only spiritual +ones. You will see your Divine Master, and Him only, in the person of +your Superior in religion. Remember that, little Sister. You must learn +detachment if you are to be truly faithful. That is my last and most +earnest counsel to you. I shall pray daily that you may be given +strength to follow it." + +"Don't go!" gasped Alex, hardly knowing what she said, as she saw the +Superior's hand upon the door. "Don't go away like that. Oh, Mother, +Mother, how shall I bear it? I've only got you and now you're going away +for ever." + +She broke into tearless sobs. + +"Sister Alexandra! Has it come to this? I am indeed to blame if you are +still so undisciplined and so weak as to cling to a mere creature--you +that have been chosen by God to love Him, and Him only! I could not have +believed it." Mother Gertrude's tone held bitter remorse and shame. + +Alex' old, pitiful instinct of propitiating the being she loved best +sprang to life within her. + +"No, no, I didn't really mean it. I know I mustn't." + +The nun gazed at her in compassionate perplexity. + +"You are overstrung, and tired; you don't know what you are saying. When +you come to yourself, my poor child, you will hardly believe that you +could have proved so disloyal, even for a moment." + +"Now calm yourself, and do not attempt to join the recreation tonight. +You are not fit for it. I will tell our Mother-General that I have told +you to go to your cell as soon as supper is over. Good-night, and again +good-bye." + +Sheer terror at the bare thought of being left there alone forced Alex +to her feet, although she could scarcely stand, and was trembling +violently. "You won't forget me?" she entreated almost inaudibly. + +"I shall always remember you in my prayers, as I do all those who have +been under my direction. Indeed, you will have a special place in them," +said the Superior gravely, "since I can never forget that, by the grace +of God, I was instrumental in bringing you into His holy house. But +never forget that _no_ human relation, however precious it may be, can +have any completeness in itself. It all has to lead on to the one +supreme thing, Sister, the 'one thing necessary.' + +"Now you must detain me no longer." She freed herself from the +convulsive grasp that Alex had unconsciously fastened on to the folds of +her habit and moved unhesitatingly to the door. + +Alex followed her with eyes that stared blankly from a blanched face. +She felt as though she was under a spell and could neither move nor +speak. She could not believe that Mother Gertrude would really leave her +in that way. The Superior opened the door and passed out, closing it +behind her without pausing or looking back. + +Alex heard her steps receding, rapid and measured, along the uncarpeted +corridor outside. + +She stayed on and on in the little cold room, the winter dusk deepening +rapidly outside, the silence only broken by the occasional clanging of a +bell, to the sound of which she was so much inured that it hardly struck +upon her senses. She thought that Mother Gertrude would come back to +her. + +There must be some other last words between them than those few +impersonal counsels of perfection, that repudiated any more intimate +link such as Alex' exclusive jealousy, stifled, but never stronger than +after those ten years of repression, now claimed with such frantic +yearning. + +She waited, scarcely moving. She grew colder and colder, but she was +unconscious of her icy feet and leaden hands. She was not even aware of +consecutive thought. + +Her whole body was absorbed in the supreme act of awaiting the +Superior's return for the word, the look, that should at least break the +dreadful darkness that encompassed her soul at the sudden deprivation of +that one outlet which had, unaware, served as a safety-valve for the +whole craving dependence of her spirit. + +Mother Gertrude did not come back. + +Dusk turned rapidly to night, and the distant cries and laughter of the +children's evening recreation fell into a quiet that was only shattered +by the single note of the deep-toned bell that proclaimed the hour of +silence and the final gathering of the Community for the last recital of +the Office in the chapel. + +There was the flicker of a light along the passage outside, and the door +opened at last. + +Alex did not move. + +She turned anguished eyes, that held scarcely any comprehension in the +immensity of their fatigue, towards the entering figure. + +It was that of the old Infirmarian, who put down the lighted candle and +threw up her hands of dismay as her gaze met that of the younger nun. +Mindful of the hour of silence, she asked no question, but she took Alex +away to the convent infirmary, and placed her in a bed of which the +mattress seemed strangely and wonderfully soft after the _paillasse_ in +her cell, and gave her a hot, sweet, strongly scented _tisane_ and bade +her sleep. + +"Mais demain?" whispered Alex. + +She was thinking of the early departure in the raw morning cold, when +the convoy that was leaving for South America would be driven away from +the convent. But the Infirmarian shook her head and shuffled slowly +away, leaving the room in darkness. + +She was old and very tired, and for her there was no _demain_, except +the glorious dawn that should herald the day of Eternity. + +Alex lay awake in the merciful darkness and envisaged the culmination of +long years of stifled repression and self-deception. + +She knew now, as she had never let herself know before, what had +sustained her through the dragging years after the final objective of +her vows had been left behind. + +She knew that she had thought herself to be answering to a call of God, +when she had been hearing only the voice of Mother Gertrude, and had +been craving only for Mother Gertrude's tenderness and approbation. + +Physical pangs of terror shot through her and shook her from head to +foot as she realized to what she had bound herself, which now presented +itself to her overstrung perceptions only in the crudest terms. + +To live without earthly affection, to relinquish love as she understood +it, in terms of human sympathy, for an ideal to which she knew, with +tardy and unerring certainty, that nothing within her would ever +conform. + +She knew now, with that appalling clear-sightedness to which humanity is +mercifully a stranger until or unless the last outposts of sanity are +almost reached, that the vocation of which they all spoke so glibly had +never been hers. + +She had entered a life for which her every instinct declared her to be +utterly unfitted, in search of that which her few short years in the +outside world had denied her. The convent instinct, engrained in her at +last, added to the anguish of startled horror at the wickedness of her +own state of mind. + +_God is not mocked_, she thought. Alex had tried to cheat God, and for +ten years He had stayed His hand and had allowed her deception to go on. + +And now it had all fallen on her--shame and punishment and despair, and +nowhere any human help or consolation to turn to. She prayed frenziedly +in the darkness, but no comfort came to her. She stifled in the pillow +the imploring crying aloud of Mother Gertrude's name that sprang to her +lips, but with a pang that sickened her, she recalled the Superior's +parting from her that evening, her undeviating fidelity to an austere +ideal which should also have been Alex'. + +There was nothing anywhere. + +And with that final certainty of negation came a rigidity of despair +that no terms of time or space could measure. + +Alex fell into exhaustion, then into a state of coma that became heavy, +dreamless sleep enduring far into the next day. She woke to instant, +stabbing recollection. It was a grey, leaden day, with rain lashing the +window-panes, and at first Alex thought that it might be still early +morning, but there was all the far-away, indescribable stir that tells +of a household when the day's work is in full swing, and presently she +realized that it must be the middle of the morning. + +"They have gone," she thought, but the words conveyed no meaning to her. +The Infirmarian came in to her and spoke, and asked whether she felt fit +to get up, and although on the day before Alex had so craved for rest, +she heard her own voice replying indifferently that she thought she was +quite well, and that she was ready to rise at once. + +"You are sure you have taken no chill? You must have been there in +Mother Gertrude's room for a long time after you were taken faint.... +Can you remember?" The nun looked at her, puzzled and anxious. + +"Did I faint?" + +"I think so, surely. You were almost unconscious when I came in, quite +by chance, and found you there, almost frozen, poor little Sister! Now +tell me--?" The old Infirmarian put a few stereotyped questions such as +she addressed to all those of her patients whose ailments could not be +immediately diagnosed at sight. + +Alex' matter-of-fact replies, for the most part denials of the suggested +ills, left her no wiser. Finally she decided on a _refroidissement_. +"Put a piece of flannel over your chest," she said gravely, "and you +had, perhaps, better spend recreation indoors until the spell of cold is +over." + +"Thank you," said Sister Alexandra lifelessly. "What time is it?" + +"Nearly eleven. Have you any duties for which you should be replaced +this morning?" + +"There are a lot of things, I think," said Alex vaguely, "but I can get +up." + +"Very well," the Infirmarian acquiesced unemotionally. "There is much +work to be done, as you say, and we nuns cannot afford to be ill for +long." + +Alex did not think that she was ill--she was quite able to get up and to +dress herself, although her head was aching and her hands shook oddly. + +She reflected with dull surprise that all the poignant misery of the +days that had gone before seemed to have left her. Evidently this was +what people meant by "getting over things." One suffered until one could +bear no more, and then it was all numbness and inertia. + +She felt a sort of surprised gratitude to God at the cessation of pain, +as one who had undergone torture might feel towards the torturers for +some brief respite. + +Her thankfulness made tears come into her eyes, and she forced them back +with a sort of wonder at herself, but that odd disposition to weep still +remained with her. + +As she went downstairs, rather slowly and cautiously, because her knees +were shaking so strangely, she met a very little girl, the pet and baby +of the whole establishment, climbing upwards. She was holding up the +corners of her diminutive black apron with both hands, and after looking +at the nun silently for a moment, she showed her that it contained two +tiny, struggling kittens. "Les petits enfants de Minet," she announced +gravely, and went on climbing, clasping her burden tenderly. + +Alex could never have told what it was that struck her with so +unbearable a sense of pathos in the sight of the little childish figure. + +Quite suddenly the tears began to pour down her face, and she could +neither have checked them nor have assigned any reason for them. + +She went on downstairs, wiping the blinding tears from her sight, and +amazed at the violence of the uncontrollable sobs that were noiselessly +shaking her. + +Something had suddenly given way within her and passed far beyond her +own control. + +It was as though she could never stop crying again. + + + + +XXI + +Father Farrell + + +For what seemed a long while afterwards--a period which, indeed, covered +three or four weeks--Alex learnt to be intensely and humbly grateful for +the convent law that would not allow any form of personalities in +intercourse. + +She was utterly unable to cease from crying, and in spite of her shame +and almost her terror, the tears continued to stream down her face in +the chapel, in the refectory, even at the hour of recreation. + +Nobody asked her any questions. One or two of the nuns looked at her +compassionately, or made some kindly, little, friendly remark; a +lay-sister now and then offered her an unexpected piece of help in her +work, and the Infirmarian occasionally sent her a cup of _bouillon_ for +dinner, but it was nobody's business to offer inquiries, and had any one +done so, the rule would have compelled Sister Alexandra to reply by a +generality and to change the conversation without delay. + +Only the Superior was entitled to probe deeper, and at first the +Frenchwoman who was temporarily succeeding Mother Gertrude was too much +occupied by her new cares to see much of her community individually. + +Alex was relieved when the Christmas holidays began, and she had no +longer to fear the notice of the sharp-eyed children, but in the +reduction of work surrounding the festive season, it became impossible +that her breakdown should continue to pass unnoticed. She did not +herself know what was the matter, and could scarcely have given a cause +for those incessant tears, except that she was unutterably weary and +miserable, and that they had passed far beyond her own control. + +The idea that that continuous weeping could have any connection with a +physical nervous breakdown never occurred to her. + +It was with surprise, and very little thought of cause and effect, that +she one night noticed her own extraordinary loss of flesh. She had never +been anything but thin and slightly built, but now she quite suddenly +perceived that her arms and legs in the last two months had taken on an +astounding and literal resemblance to long sticks of white wood. All the +way up from wrist to armpit, her left hand, with thumb and middle finger +joined, could span the circumference of her right arm. + +It seemed incredible. + +Her mind went back ten years, and she thought of Lady Isabel, and how +much she had lamented her daughter's youthful angularity. + +"If she could have seen this!" thought Alex. "But, of course, it only +mattered for evening dress--she wouldn't have thought it mattered for a +nun." + +Instantly she began to cry again, although her head throbbed and her +eyes burned and smarted. There was no need now to wonder if she looked +tired. Accidentally one day, her hand to her face, she had felt the sort +of deeply-hollowed pit that now lay underneath each eye, worn into a +groove. + +She had ceased to wonder whether life would ever offer anything but this +mechanical round of blurred pain and misery, these incessant tears, when +the Superior sent for her. + +"What is the matter with you, Sister? They tell me you are always in +tears. Are you ill?" + +Alex shook her head dumbly. + +"Sister, control yourself. You will be ill if you cry like that. Don't +kneel, sit down." + +The Superior's tone was very kind, and the note of sympathy shook Alex +afresh. + +"Tell me what it is. Don't be afraid." + +"I want to leave the convent--I want to be released from my vows." + +She had never meant to say it--she had never known that such a thought +was in her mind, but the moment that the words were uttered, the first +sense of relief that she had felt surged within her. + +It was the remembrance of that rush of relief that enabled her, sobbing, +to repeat the shameful recantation, in the face of the Superior's grave, +pitiful urgings and assurance that she did not know what she was saying. + +After that--an appalling crisis that left her utterly exhausted and with +no vestige of belief left in her own ultimate salvation--everything was +changed. + +She was treated as an invalid, and sent to lie down instead of joining +the community at the hour of recreation, the Superior herself devoted +almost an hour to her every day, and nearly all her work was taken away, +so that she could walk alone round the big _verger_ and the enclosed +garden, and read the carefully-selected Lives and Treatises that the +Superior chose for her. + +Gradually some sort of poise returned to her. She could control her +tears, and drink the soups and _tisanes_ that were specially prepared +and put before her, and as the year advanced, she could feel the first +hint of Spring stirring in her exhaustion. She was devoid alike of +apprehension and of hope. + +No solution appeared to her conceivable, save possibly that of her own +death, and she knew that none would be attempted until the return of the +Superior-General from South America. + +As this delayed, she became more and more convinced, in despite of all +reason, of the immutable eternity of the present state of affairs. + +It shocked her when one day the Superior said to her: + +"You are to go to the Superior of the Jesuits' College in the parlour +this afternoon. Do you remember, he preached the sermon for your +Profession, and I think he has been here once or twice in the last year +or two? He is a very wise and clever and holy man, and ought to help +you. Besides, he is of your own nationality." + +Alex remembered the tall, good-looking Irishman very well. He had once +or twice visited the convent, and had always told amusing stories at +recreation, and preached vigorous, inspiring sermons in the chapel, with +more than a spice of originality to colour them. + +The children adored him. + +Alex wondered. + +Perhaps Father Farrell, the clever and educated priest, would really see +in some new aspect the problem that left her baffled and sick of soul +and body. + +She went into the parlour that afternoon trembling with mingled dread, +and the first faint stirrings of hope that understanding and release +from herself and her wickedness might yet be in store for her. + +Father Farrell, big and broad-shouldered, with iron-grey, wavy hair and +a strong, handsome face, turned from the window as she entered the room. + +"Come in, Sister, come in. Sit down, won't you? They tell me ye've not +been well--ye don't look it, ye don't look it!" + +His voice, too, was big and bluff and hearty, full of decision, the +voice of a man accustomed to the command of men. + +He pushed a chair forward and motioned her, with a quick, imperious +gesture that yet held kindness, to sit down. + +He himself stood, towering over her, by the window. + +"Well, now, what's all the trouble, Sister?" + +There was the suspicion of a brogue in his cultivated tones. + +Alex made a tremendous effort. She told herself that he could not help +her unless she told him the truth. + +She said, as she had said to the French Superior: + +"I am very unhappy--I want to be released from my vows as a nun." + +The priest gave her one very quick, penetrating look, and his thick +eyebrows went up into his hair for an instant, but he did not speak. + +"I don't think I have ever had any--any real vocation," said Alex, +whitening from the effort of an admission that she knew he must regard +as degrading. + +"And how long have ye thought ye had no real vocation?" + +There was the slightest possible discernible tinge of kindly derision in +the inquiry. + +It gave the final touch to her disconcertment. + +"I don't know." + +She felt the folly of her reply even before the priest's laugh, tinged +with a sort of vexed contempt, rang through the room. + +"Now, me dear child, this is perfect nonsense, let me tell ye. Did ye +ever hear the like of such folly? No real vocation, and here ye've been +a professed religious for--how long is it?" + +"Nearly four years since I was finally professed, but--" + +"There's no _but_ about it, Sister. A vow made to Our Blessed Lord, I'd +have ye know, is not like an old glove, to be thrown away when ye think +ye're tired of it. No, no, Sister, that'll not be the way of it. Ye'll +get over this, me dear child, with a little faith and perseverance. It's +just a temptation, that ye've perhaps been giving way to, owing to +fatigue and ill health. Ye feel it's all too hard for ye, is that it?" + +"No," said Alex frantically, "that's not it. It's nothing like that. +It's that I can't bear this way of living any longer. I want a home, and +to be allowed to care for people, and to have friends again--I _can't_ +live by myself." + +She knew that she had voiced the truth as she knew it, and covered her +face with her hands in dread lest it might fail to reach his +perceptions. + +She heard a change in Father Farrell's voice when next he spoke. + +"Ye'd better tell me the whole tale, Sister. Who is it ye want to go +back to in the world?" + +She looked up, bewildered. + +"Any one--home. Where I can just be myself again--" + +"And how much home have ye got left, after being a nun ten years? Is +your mother alive?" + +"No." + +"Your father?" + +"No," faltered Alex. + +"They died after ye left home, I daresay?" + +"Yes." + +"Then, in the name of goodness, who do ye expect is going to make a home +for ye? Have ye sisters and brothers?" + +"Yes." Alex hesitated, seeing at last whither his inquiries were +tending. + +"Yes, and I'm thinking they're married and with homes of their own by +this time," said the priest shrewdly. "Let me tell ye, ten years sees a +good many changes in the world, and it isn't much of a welcome ye'd get +by breaking your holy vows and making a great scandal in the Church, and +then planting yourself on relations who've lost touch with ye, more or +less, and have homes of their own, and a husband or wife, as the case +may be, and perhaps little children to care for. A maiden aunt isn't so +very much thought of, in the best of circumstances, let me tell ye. + +"Now isn't there reason in what I'm saying, Sister?" + +Sick conviction shot through her. + +"Yes, Father." + +"Well, then, ye'll just give up that foolish notion, now." + +He looked at her white, desperate face, and began to take long strides +up and down the room. + +"Have ye confidence in your Superior? Do ye get on with her?" he asked +suddenly. + +"Our present Superior has only been here a little while--the one before +that--" + +"I know, I know," he interrupted impatiently. "It's the Superior-General +I mean, of course--everything must come to her in the long run, +naturally. Have you full confidence in her, now?" + +Alex felt as incapable of a negative reply as of an affirmative one. She +knew that she did not understand the term "full confidence" as he did, +and she temporized weakly. + +"But our Mother-General is away in South America--she keeps delaying, +and that's one reason why nothing has been settled about me. She hasn't +even left America yet." + +"I'm well aware of that. Don't waste time playing with me that way, +Sister, ye'll get no further. Ye know very well what I mean. Now, tell +me now, will it do for ye if I arrange for your transfer to another +house--maybe to the one in London, or somewhere in your own country?" + +The instinct of the imprisoned creature that sees another form of the +same trap offered it under the guise of freedom, made her revolt. + +"No," she cried. "No! I want to get right away--I want to stop being a +nun." + +The priest suddenly hit the table with his clenched fist, making it +rock, and making his auditor start painfully. + +"That's what you'll never do, not if ye got release from the holy vows +ten times over. Once a nun always a nun, Sister, although ye may be +false and faithless and go back into the very midst of the world ye've +renounced. But ye'll find no comfort there, no blessing, and God'll +remember it against ye, Sister. A soul that spurns His choicest graces +need expect no mercy, either here or hereafter. I tell ye straight, +Sister, that ye'll be deliberately jeopardizing your immortal soul, if +ye give in to this wicked folly. Ye've to choose between God and the +Devil--between a little while of suffering here, maybe, and then +Eternity in which to enjoy the reward of the faithful, or a hideous +mockery of freedom here, followed by Hell and its torments for ever and +ever. Which is it to be?" + +Alex was terrified, but it was the priest's anger that terrified her, +not the threats that he uttered. At the back of her mind, lay the dim +conviction that no Hell could surpass in intensity of bitterness that +which her spirit was traversing on earth. + +Father Farrell looked at her frightened, distorted face, and his voice +sank into persuasiveness. + +"This'll pass, me dear child. Many a poor soul before ye has known what +it is to falter by the wayside. But courage, Sister, ye can conquer this +weakness with God's help. You're in no trouble about your faith, now are +ye?" + +Had Alex been able to formulate her thoughts clearly, she might have +told him that it had long since become a matter of supreme unimportance +to her whether or no she still possessed that which he termed her faith. +As a fact, the beliefs which could alone have made the convent life +endurable to her, had never struck more than the most shallow of roots +into her consciousness. Perhaps the only belief which had any real hold +upon her was the one that she had gradually formed upon her experience +of the living--that God was a Superior Being who must be propitiated by +the sacrifice of all that one held dear, lest He strike it from one. + +She looked dimly at Father Farrell, and shook her head, because she was +afraid of his anger if she owned to the utter insecurity of her hold +upon any religious convictions. + +"That's right, that's right," he said hastily. "I felt sure ye were a +good child at bottom. Now would ye like to make a good general +Confession, and I'll give ye absolution, and ye can start again?" + +Some hint of inflexibility in the last words roused Alex to a final, +frantic bid for liberty. + +"It's no use--it won't do for me to begin again. I can't stay on. If I +can't get released from my vows I'll--I'll run away." + +Then there was a long silence. + +When the priest spoke again, however, his voice held more of meditative +speculation than of the anger which she feared. + +"Supposing I could arrange it for ye--I don't say I could, mind, but it +might be done, if good reasons were shown--what would ye say to another +religious order altogether? It may be that this life is unsuited to +ye--there have been such cases. I know a holy Carmelite nun who was in +quite another order for nearly fifteen years, before she found out where +the Lord really wanted her. Are ye one of those, maybe?" + +"No," spoke Alex, almost sullenly. The conflict was wearing her out, and +she was conscious only of a blind, unreasoning instinct that if she once +gave ground, she would find herself for ever bound to the life which had +become unendurable to her. + +"What d'ye mean, _No_?" + +"I want to go away. I want to be released from my vows." + +The formula had become almost mechanical now. The Jesuit for the first +time dropped the brusqueness of manner habitual to him. + +Pacing the length of the big parlour with measured, even strides, his +hands clasped behind his shabby cassock, he let his deep, naturally +rhetorical voice boom out in full, rolling periods through the room. + +"Why did ye come to me at all, Sister? It wasn't for advice, and it +wasn't for help. I've offered both, and ye'll take neither. Having put +your hand to the plough, you've looked back. Ye say that sooner than +remain faithful ye'll run away--ye'll make a scandal and a disgrace for +the Community that's sheltered ye, and bring shame and sorrow to the +good Mothers here. What did ye expect me to answer to that? If your +whole will is turned to evil, it was a farce and a mockery to come to +me--I can do nothing. + +"But one thing I'll tell ye, Sister. If ye do this thing--if it goes up +to Rome, and the vows ye took in full consciousness and free will on the +day ye were professed, are dissolved--so far as they ever can be, that +is, and let me tell ye that it's neither a quick nor an easy +business--if it comes to that, Sister, _there'll be no going back_. No +cringing round to the convent afterwards, when ye find there's no place +and no welcome for ye in the world, asking to be taken back. They'll not +have ye, Sister, and they'll be right. If ye go, it's for ever." + +It seemed to Alex that he was purposely seeking to frighten her--that he +wanted to add fresh miseries and apprehensions to those already piled +upon her, and a faint resentment flicked at her in questioning +acceptance of such an assumption. + +The shadow of spirit thus restored to her, just enabled her to endure +the seemingly endless exposition hurled at her in the priest's powerful +voice. + +When it was all over, she crawled out of the room like a creature that +had been beaten. + +Stunned, she only knew that yet another fellow-creature had entered the +league of those who were angered against her. + + + + +XXII + +Rome + + +The crisis passed, as all such must pass, and Alex found herself in the +position openly recognized as that of waiting for the dissolution of her +religious vows. + +It was as Father Farrell had said, neither a short nor an easy business, +nor was she allowed to pass the months of her waiting at the Liège +Mother-house. + +They sent her to a small house of the Order in Rome, thinking, with the +curious convent instinct for misplaced economy, to save the petty cost +of incessant passing to and fro of correspondence and documents, between +the convent in Belgium and the Papal Secretariat at the Vatican. + +Alex went to Italy in a dream. It struck her with a faint sense of irony +that she and Barbara, long ago, had entertained an ambition to visit +Italy, standing for all that was romantic and picturesque in the South. +After all, she was to be the first to realize that girlish dream, the +fulfilment of which brought no elation. + +At first she lived amongst the nuns, and led their life, but when it +became evident beyond question that she was eventually to obtain release +from her vows, the Community held no place for her any longer. + +Her religious habit was taken away, and a thick, voluminous, black-stuff +dress substituted, which the nuns thought light and cool in comparison +with their own weighty garments, but of which the hard, stiff cuffs and +high collar, unrelieved by any softening of white, made Alex suffer +greatly. + +The house was too small to admit of a _pensionnat_, but the nuns took in +an inconsiderable number of lady boarders, and an occasional pupil. +Alex, however, was not suffered to hold any intercourse with these. +After her six months spent in Community life a final appeal was made to +her, and when it failed of its effect she passed into a kind of moral +ostracism. + +She had a small bedroom, where her meals were served by the lay-sister +who waited on the lady-boarders, and a little _prie-dieu_ was put in a +remote corner of the chapel for her use, neither to be confounded with +the choir-stalls, nor the benches for visitors, nor the seats reserved +for the ladies living in the house. The librarian Sister, in charge of +the well-filled book-case of the Community-rooms, had instructions to +provide her with literature. Beyond that, her existence remained +unrecognized. + +She often spent hours doing nothing, gazing from the window at the +_Corso_ far below, so curiously instinct with life after the solitude of +the Liège grounds, encompassed by high walls on every side. + +She did not read very much. + +The books they gave her were all designed to one end--that of making her +realize that she was turning her back upon the way of salvation. When +she thought about it, Alex believed that this was, in truth, what she +was doing, but it hardly seemed to matter. + +Her room was fireless, and the old-fashioned house, as most Roman ones, +had no form of central heating. She shivered and shivered, and in the +early days of February fell ill. One abscess after another formed inside +her throat, an unspeakably painful manifestation of general weakness. + +One evening she was so ill that there was talk of sending for the +chaplain--the doctor had never been suggested--but that same night the +worst abscess of all broke inside her throat, and Alex saw that there +was no hope of her being about to die. + +The bright winter cold seemed to change with incredible rapidity into +glowing summer heat, and a modicum of well-being gradually returned to +her. + +She even crept slowly and listlessly about in the shade of the great +Borghese gardens, in the comparative freshness of the Pincio height, and +wondered piteously at this strange realization of her girlhood's dream +of seeing Italy. She never dared to go into the streets alone, nor would +the nuns have permitted it. + +Her difficult letters to England had been written. + +Cedric had replied with courteous brevity, a letter so much what Sir +Francis might have written that Alex was almost startled, and her +father's man of business had written her a short, kind little note, +rejoicing that the world was again to have the benefit of Miss Clare's +society after her temporary retirement. + +The only long letter she received was from Barbara. + + "_Hampstead,_ + + "_March_ 30, 1908. + + "DEAREST ALEX, + + "Your letter from Rome was, of course, a great surprise. I had been + wondering when I should hear from you again, but I did not at all + guess what your news would be when it came, as we had all quite + grown to think of you as completely settled in the convent. + + "I am afraid that, as you say, there may be complications and + difficulties about your vows, as I suppose they are binding to a + certain extent, and they are sure not to let you off without a + fuss. + + "Your letters aren't very explicit, my dear, so I'm still somewhat + in the dark as to what you are doing and when you mean to come to + London, as I suppose you will eventually do. And why Italy? If + you're going to get out of the whole thing altogether, it seems + funny that the convent people should trouble to send you to Italy, + when you might just as well have come straight to England. However, + no doubt you know your own affairs best, Alex, dear, and perhaps + you're wise to take advantage of an opportunity that may not come + again! + + "Travelling has always been my dream, as you know, but except for + that time I had at Neuilly, when you came out--Heavens, what ages + ago!--and then our honeymoon in Paris, which was so terribly broken + into when dear mother died, I've never had any chance at all, and I + suppose now I never shall have. Everything is so expensive, and I'm + really not a very good traveller unless I can afford to do the + thing _comfortably_, otherwise I should simply love to have run + over to Rome for Easter and got you to show me all the sights. + + "I suppose your time is quite your own now? Of course, when you + really do leave the Sisters, I hope you'll come straight to my wee + cottage here--at any rate while you look about you and think over + future plans. + + "Cedric has written to you, I know, and if you feel you'd rather go + to Clevedon Square, needless to say, my dear, I shall more than + understand. Please yourself _absolutely_. + + "But, of course, one's always rather chary of unknown + sisters-in-law, and Violet quite rules the roost now-a-days. She + and Cedric are a most devoted couple, and all that sort of thing, + but as she's got all the money, one rather feels as if it was _her_ + house. I daresay you know the kind of thing I mean. + + "She's quite a dear, in many ways, but I don't go there + tremendously. + + "Pamela adores her, and lives in her pocket. Pam tells me she + hasn't seen you since she was about fifteen--I could hardly believe + it. My dear, I don't know what you'll think of her! She's quite + appallingly modern, to my mind, and makes me feel about a hundred + years old. + + "When I think of the way _we_ were chaperoned, and sent about + everywhere with a maid, and only allowed the dullest of + dinner-parties, and tea-parties, and then those stiff, solemn + balls! Pamela is for ever being asked to boy-and-girl affairs, and + dinner dances and theatre-parties--I must say she's a huge success. + Every one raves about her, and she goes in for being tremendously + natural and jolly and full of vitality and she's had simply heaps + of chances, already, though I daresay some of it has to do with + being seen about everywhere with Violet, who simply splashes money + out like water. She paid all Archie's debts, poor boy--I will say + that for her. The result is that he's quite good and steady now, + and every one says he'll make a first-rate Guardsman. + + "I'm writing a long screed, Alex, but I really feel you ought to be + posted up in all the family news, if you're really going to come + and join forces with us again, after all these years. It seems + quite funny to think of, so many things have happened since you + left home for good--as we thought it was going to be. Do write + again and tell me what you think of doing and when you're coming + over. My tiny spare-room will be quite ready for you, any time you + like. + + "Your loving sister, + + "BARBARA MCALLISTER." + +Barbara's letter was astounding. + +Even Alex, too jaded for any great poignancy of emotion, felt amazement +at her sister's matter-of-fact acceptance of a state of affairs that had +been brought about by such moral and physical upheaval. + +Had Barbara realized none of it, or was she merely utterly incurious? +Alex could only feel thankful that no long, explanatory letter need be +written. Perhaps when she got back to England it would be easier to make +her explanation to Barbara. + +She could hardly imagine that return. + +The affair of the release from her vows dragged on with wearisome +indefiniteness. Documents and papers were sent for her signature, and +there were one or two interviews, painful and humiliating enough. + +None of them, however, hurt her as that interview in the parlour at +Liège with Father Farrell had done, for to none of them did she bring +that faint shred of hope that had underlain her last attempt to make +clear the truth as she knew it. + +She knew that money had been paid, and Cedric had written a grave and +short note, bidding her leave that side of the question to his care, and +to that of her father's lawyers. + +Then, with dramatic unexpectedness, came the end. + +She was told that all the necessary formalities had been complied with, +and that her vows were now annulled. It was carefully explained to her +that this did not include freedom to marry. The Church would sanction no +union of hers. + +Alex could have laughed. + +She felt as though marriage had been spoken of, for the first time, to +an old, old woman, who had never known love, and to whom passion and +desire alike had long been as strangers. Why should that, which had +never come to her eager, questing youth, be spoken of in connection with +the strange, remote self which was all that was left of her now? + +She reflected how transitory had been the relations into which she had +entered, how little any intimacy of spirit had ever bound her to another +human being. + +Her first love--Marie-Angèle: + + "I love you for your few caresses, + I love you for my many tears." + +Where was Marie-Angèle now? Alex knew nothing of her. No doubt she had +married, had borne children, and somewhere in her native Soissons was +gay and prosperous still. + +Alex dimly hoped so. + +Queenie Torrance. + +Her thoughts even now dwelt tenderly for a moment on that fair, +irresponsive object of so much devotion. On Queenie as a pale, demure +schoolgirl, her fair curls rolled back from her white, open brow, in her +black-stuff dress and apron. On Queenie, the blue ribbon for good +conduct lying across her gently-curving breast, serenely telling fibs or +surreptitiously carrying off the forbidden sweets and dainties procured +for her by Alex, or gazing with cold vexation on some extravagant +demonstration of affection that had failed to win her approval. + +In retrospect Alex could see Queenie again, the white, voluminous ball +dresses she had worn, the tiny wreath of blue forget-me-nots, once +condemned as "bad form" by Lady Isabel. + +On Queenie Goldstein her thoughts dwelt little. She had heard long ago +from Barbara of Queenie's divorce, in an action brought by her husband, +which had afforded the chief scandal of the year 1899, and then no one +had heard or even seen anything of Queenie for a long while, and Barbara +had said that she was reported to be abroad with her father. + +Five years later Barbara had written excitedly: + +"You remember that awful Queenie Goldstein? and how full the papers were +of her pictures, when that dreadful divorce case of hers was on, and the +five co-respondents and everything? You'll hardly believe it, but she's +in London again, having succeeded in marrying an American whom every one +says is _the_ coming millionaire. I saw her at the theatre myself, in a +box, absolutely slung with diamonds. She's taken to making up her face +tremendously, but she hasn't altered much, and she's received +everywhere. They say her husband simply adores her." + +Alex still remembered the rebuke with which Mother Gertrude had handed +her that letter, bidding her remind her sister that things of the world, +worldly, had no place in the life of a nun. + +Nevertheless, although she had put the thought from her, she knew that +in her heart she had felt a certain gladness that her erstwhile +playmate, given over though she might be to the world, the flesh and the +Devil, had yet not found those things that she coveted to have failed +her. + +Queenie, at least, had known what she wanted, and Alex' thoughts of her +held no condemnation. + +From Queenie, her mind went to the memory of Noel Cardew, and she was +faintly surprised at the unvivid presentment of him which was all that +she could evoke. + +Noel had held no real place in her life at all. + +Nothing that would endure had ever passed between him and her. It was +years since she had thought of their ill-starred engagement, and then it +had always been in connection with Sir Francis and Lady Isabel--their +brief pride and pleasure in it, and the sudden downfall of their hopes. + +Of Noel himself she had scarcely a recollection. Perhaps her clearest +one was that of the earnest young egoist, only made attractive by a +certain simplicity, who had taken her to sit in a disused ice-house one +hot summer day, and had talked about photography. Of the later Noel, +Alex was astounded to find that she retained no impression at all. + +She could not even remember whether it was he or his brother Eric who +had married red-haired Marie Munroe in the same year that she herself +had taken her first vows as a nun. + +Perhaps it was Noel. + +At all events, he had probably married long ago, and Alex could believe +that some corner of land in Devonshire was the better for the earnest +supervision that he would accord to it, both in his own person and in +that of the generation that would doubtless succeed him. + +Mother Gertrude. + +At the last and most worshipped of the shrines before which Alex had +offered the sad, futile, unmeasured burnt-offerings of her life, her +thoughts lingered least. + +It had all been a mistake. + +She had given recklessly, foolishly, squandering her all because life +had cheated her of any outlet for a force of the strength of which she +had had no measure given her, and now she had to pay the bitter penalty +for a folly which had not even been met by answering human affection. + +She wrote no letter to Mother Gertrude, and received no word from her. + +As the days crept on, Alex, without volition of her own, found that her +journey to England had been arranged for--that money was to be advanced +to her for her expenses, that she was expected to supplement with it her +utter penury of worldly possessions. One day she went out, frightened +and at a loss, and entered some of the first shops she saw, in a street +that led down from the Pincio Gates. + +They were not large shops, and she had difficulty in making herself +understood, but she purchased a ready-made blue-serge skirt, with a coat +that she called a jacket, and an ugly black toque, that most resembled +in shape those that she remembered seeing in London ten years earlier. +She wore these clothes, with a white cotton blouse that fastened at the +back and came high up under her chin, for some days before she left +Rome, so as to grow accustomed to them, and to lose the sense of +awkwardness that they produced in her. + +The heavy boots and a pair of black-cotton gloves that she had brought +from Belgium, still served her. The day of her departure was fixed, and +she wrote to Barbara, but she knew neither by what route she was going +nor how long the journey would take. + +Her companions, selected by the Superior of the convent, proved to be an +old lady and her daughter who were going to Paris. Evidently they knew +her story, for they looked at her with scared, curious faces and spoke +to her very little. Both were experienced travellers, and on the long, +hot journey in the train, when it seemed as though the seats of the +railway carriage were made of molten iron, they extended themselves with +cushions and little paper fans, and slept most of the way. At Genoa the +daughter, timidly, but with kindness, pressed Alex to eat and drink, and +after that she spoke to her once or twice, and gave her a friendly +invitation to join them at the small _pension_ in Paris to which they +were bound, for a night's halt before she proceeded to Boulogne and +thence to England. Alex accepted with bewildered thankfulness. + +She was weak and exhausted, and the old lady and her daughter were +pitiful enough, and saw her into the train next day, and gave her the +provision of sandwiches which she had not thought to make for herself. + +The train sped through flat, green country, with tall poplars shading +the small, narrow French houses that dotted the line on either side. Her +eye dilated as she gazed on the sea, when at last Boulogne was reached. + +She remembered the same grey expanse of rolling waves tipped with foam +on the morning, eight years ago, when the girl Alex Clare had crossed to +Belgium, tearful, indeed, and frightened, but believing herself to be +making that new beginning which should lead to the eventual goal which +life must surely hold in store for her. + +Only eight years, and the bitterness of a lifetime's failure encompassed +her spirit. + + + + +XXIII + +N.W. + + +Alex got off the boat at Folkestone, dazed and bewildered. She had been +ill all through the crossing, and her head was still swimming. She +grasped her heavy, clumsy suit-case and was thankful to have no luggage, +when she saw the seething crowd of passengers, running after uniformed +porters in search of heavy baggage that was being flung on to trucks to +an accompaniment of noise and shouting that frightened her. + +She made her way to the train and into a third-class carriage, too much +afraid of its starting without her to dare to go in search of the hot +tea which she saw the passengers drinking thankfully. It was a raw, grey +day, and Alex, in her thin serge coat and skirt, that had been so much +too hot in Italy, shivered violently. Her gloves were nearly thread-bare +and her hands felt clammy and stiff. She took off her little black-straw +toque and leant her head against the back of the seat, wishing that she +could sleep. + +It seemed to her that the other people in the carriage were looking at +her suspiciously, and she closed her eyes so as not to see them. + +After a long while the train started. + +Alex tried to make plans. In the shabby purse which she had clasped in +her hand all the way, for fear of its being stolen, was a piece of paper +with Barbara's address. She would not go to Clevedon Square, for fear of +Cedric's unknown wife. Cedric with a wife and child! Alex marvelled, and +could not believe that she might soon make the acquaintance of these +beings who seemed to her so nearly mythical. + +The thought of Barbara as a widow living in a little house of her own in +Hampstead, seemed far less unfamiliar. Barbara had always written +regularly to Alex, and had twice been to see her when she was in the +English house and once in her early days in Belgium. + +Barbara had often said in her letters that she was very lonely, and that +it was terrible having to live so far out of town because of expenses. +Ralph, poor dear, had left her very, very badly off, and there had been +very little more for her on the death of Sir Francis. Alex supposed that +Downshire Hill must be a very unfashionable address, but she did not +connect "N.W." with any particular locality. + +She was always very stupid at finding her way about, and, anyhow, her +bag was heavy. She decided that she would take a cab. + +At Charing Cross it was raining, and the noise was deafening. Alex had +meant to send Barbara a telegram from Folkestone, but had not known +where to find the telegraph office, and she now realized with a pang of +dismay that her sister would not be expecting her. + +"How stupid I am, and how badly I manage things," she thought. "I hope +she won't be out." + +The number of taxis at the station bewildered Alex, who had only seen +one or two crawling about the streets in Rome, and had heard of them, +besides, as ruinously expensive. She found a four-wheeled cab and put +her bag on the floor. The man did not get down from his box to open the +door for her, as she expected. He leant down and asked hoarsely. + +"Where d'you want to go, Miss?" + +"Downshire Hill," said Alex. "No. 101." + +"Downshire 'Ill? Where's that?" + +"I don't know," said Alex, frightened. She wondered if the man was +drunk, and prepared to pull her bag out of the cab again. + +"'Alf a minute." + +He called out something unintelligible to another driver, and received +an answer. + +"Downshire 'Ill's N.W.," he then informed her. "Out 'Ampstead w'y." + +"Yes," said Alex. "Can't you take me there?" + +He looked at her shabby clothes and white, frightened face. + +"I'd like to see my fare, first, if _you_ please," he said insolently. + +Alex was too much afraid of his making a scene to refuse. + +"How much will it be?" + +"Seven and sixpence, Miss." + +She pulled two half-crowns out of her purse. It was all she had left. + +"This is all the change I have," she told him in a shaking voice. "They +will pay the rest when I get there." + +He muttered something dissatisfied, but put the coins into his pocket. + +Alex climbed into the cab. + +It jolted away very slowly. + +The rain was falling fast, and dashing against the windows of the cab. +Alex glanced out, but the streets through which they were driving were +all unfamiliar to her. It seemed a very long way to Downshire Hill. + +She began to wonder very much how Barbara would receive her, and how she +could make clear to her the long, restless agony that had led her to +obtain release from her vows. Would Barbara understand? + +Letters had been very inadequate, and although Barbara had written that +Alex had better come to her for a while if she meant to return to +England, she had given no hint of any deeper comprehension. + +"We must make plans when we meet," she had written at the end of the +letter. + +Alex wondered with a sense of apprehension what those plans would be. +She had for so long become accustomed to being treated as a chattel, +without volition of her own, that it did not occur to her that she would +have any hand in forming her future life. + +Presently she became conscious that the rain had stopped, and that the +atmosphere was lighter. She let down the glass of the window nearest +her, and saw, with surprise, that there was a rolling expanse of green, +with a number of willow-trees, on one side of the road. It did not look +like London. + +Then the cab turned a corner, and Alex saw "Downshire Hill" on a small +board against the wall. + +This was where Barbara lived, then. + +The little houses were small and compact, but of agreeably varying +height and shape, with a tiny enclosure of green in front of each, +protected by railings and a little gate. No. 101, before which the cab +drew up, had a bush that Alex thought must be lilac, and was covered +with ivy. There were red blinds to the windows. + +She got out, pulling her heavy bag after her, and timidly pushed open +the little gate, glancing up at the windows as she did so. + +There was no one to be seen. + +Still clutching at her suit-case, Alex pulled the bell faintly. + +"There's half my fare owing yet," said the cabman gruffly. + +Thus reminded, Alex rang again. + +An elderly parlour-maid with iron-grey hair and a hard face opened the +door. + +"Is--is Mrs. MacAllister at home?" faltered Alex. + +"I'll inquire," said the maid, with a lightning glance at the suit-case. + +She left the door open, and Alex saw a little flight of stairs. A +murmured colloquy took place at the top, and then Barbara, slight and +severely black-clad, came down. + +"Alex, that's not you?" + +"Yes. Oh, Barbara!" + +"My dear--I've been expecting to hear from you every day! I've been +imagining all sorts of awful things. Why didn't you wire? Do come +in--you must be dead, and have you been carrying that huge bag?" + +"I came from the station in a cab." + +"A cab!" echoed Barbara in rather a dismayed voice. "What a long way to +come, when you could have done it so easily by the underground railway +but I suppose you didn't know?" + +"No," repeated Alex blankly. "I didn't know." + +"What's he waiting for? Will he carry your trunk upstairs?" + +"That is all the luggage I have, and I can carry it up quite well, and +it isn't heavy. But I hadn't quite enough money for the fare--he ought +to have another half-crown." + +"Oh, dear," said Barbara. "Wait a minute, then, Alex." + +She disappeared up the stairs, leaving Alex alone with the severe +parlour-maid, who still held open the front door. + +She leant against the wall in the tiny passage, wondering what she had +expected of her actual arrival, that the reality should give her such a +sense of misery. + +If only she had telegraphed to Barbara from Folkestone! + +"Here's two shillings. Ada, have you got a sixpence, by any chance?" + +"There's sixpence in the kitchen, 'm," said Ada, and fetched it. + +"There!" said Barbara. "Pay him then, please, Ada. Now, Alex, come +upstairs and sit down. You look dreadfully ill and worn-out, my dear." + +Alex lifted the suit-case again. + +"Oh, Ada will see to that. Your room is all ready, Alex. It's very +small, but then the house is a perfect doll's house, as you see. This is +my tiny drawing-room." + +"It's very pretty," said Alex, sinking into a chair. + +"It's not bad--the things are nice enough. Ralph had some exquisite +things--but, of course, the house is too hateful, and I hate living all +the way out here. No one ever comes near me. Cedric's wife can't get her +chauffeur to bring her--he pretends he doesn't know where it is. The +only person who ever comes is Pamela." + +"I thought she was to live with you?" + +"Pam! Oh, she wouldn't bury herself out here, for long. Pam's very much +in request, my dear. She's been paying visits all over the place, and +can go on indefinitely, I believe. She makes her headquarters with +Cedric and Violet in Clevedon Square, you know, but of course she'll +marry. Pam's all right." + +"Last time I saw Pam she was in short frocks and a pigtail." + +"She's come out in the most extraordinary way. Every one says so. Not +exactly pretty, but frightfully taking, and most awfully attractive to +men. They say she's so full of life. I must say, when _we_ came out, +Alex, we didn't have nearly such a good time as she has. Men seem to go +down like ninepins before her. She's always bringing them out here to +tea, and to look at the view of London from the Heath. One always used +to look on Hampstead Heath as a sort of joke--Phil May's drawings, and +that kind of thing. I certainly never expected to live here--but lots of +artists do, and Ralph had a big studio here. And it's very inexpensive. +Besides, if you know you way about, it's quite easy to come in and out +from town. Pamela always brings her young men on the top of a 'bus. +Girls can do anything now-a-days, of course. Fancy father, if one of +_us_ had done such a thing!" + +"Who looks after her?" asked Alex, rather awe-struck. + +"She looks after herself, my dear, and does it uncommonly effectively. +She could marry tomorrow if she liked--and marry well, too. Of course, +Cedric is her guardian in a sort of way, I suppose, but he lets her do +anything she like--only laughs." + +"Cedric!" spoke Alex wistfully. "Do you know, I haven't seen Cedric +since--I left Clevedon Square." + +"My dear, that's ten years, isn't it? Cedric's grown exactly like +father. He's got just his way of standing in front of the fire and +shaking his spectacles up and down in his hand--you remember father's +way? Of course, he's done extraordinarily well--every one says so--and +his marriage was an excellent thing, too." + +"Is--Violet--nice?" + +Barbara laughed rather drily. + +"She's got a lot of money, and--yes, I suppose she is nice. Between +ourselves, Alex, she's the sort of person who rather aggravates me. +She's always so prosperous and happy, as though nothing had ever gone +wrong with her, or ever could. She's very generous, I will say that for +her--and extraordinarily good-natured. Most people adore her--she's the +sort of woman that other women rave about, but I must say most men like +her, too. Her people were rather inclined to think she could have done +better for herself than Cedric. Of course, he isn't well off, and she's +two years older than he is. But it's answered all right, and they were +tremendously in love with one another." + +"Is she very pretty?" + +"She's inclined to be fat, but, of course, she is pretty, in her own +style--very. And the little girl is a perfect darling--little Rosemary. + +"But, Alex, here am I talking you to death when you must be dying for +tea. What sort of a crossing did you have?" + +"Not very bad, but I was ill all the way." + +"Oh, no wonder you look so washed out," said Barbara, as though +relieved, but she went on eyeing her sister uneasily through the rapidly +increasing dusk. + +When Ada came in with the tea appointments, Barbara told her to bring +the lamp. + +"Yes'm. And your bag, 'm--may I have the key?" + +Alex looked bewildered, then recollected that the maid was offering to +unpack for her, and pulled out the key from her purse. + +"Isn't there your trunk still to come?" asked Barbara. + +"No. You see, I hadn't much to bring--only just one or two things that I +got in Rome." + +Alex wondered if Barbara understood that until a few months ago she had +been a nun, living the life of a nun. She thought of the apprehension +with which she had viewed making an explanation to Barbara, and almost +smiled. It appeared that no explanation would be required of her. + +But presently Barbara said uneasily: + +"It seems extraordinary, your having no luggage like this, Alex. I don't +know what Ada will think, I'm sure. I told her that you'd been living +abroad for a good many years--I thought that was the best thing to say. +But I never thought of your having no luggage." + +"I hadn't got anything to bring, you see. I must get some things," +repeated Alex forlornly. + +"You see," said her sister half apologetically, "Ada's been with me ever +since I married. She was Ralph's mother's maid, and perfectly devoted to +him. I couldn't ever get that sort of servant to live out here, if it +wasn't for that--she waits at meals, and maids me, and does everything, +except the actual cooking. I know she's rather disagreeable in her +manner, but she's a perfect treasure to me." + +When Ada had brought in the lamps and filled the little room with +cheerful light, drawing the blinds and curtains, Barbara looked again +hard at her sister. + +"Good heavens, Alex, how thin you are! and you look as though you hadn't +slept for a month." + +"Oh, but I have," said Alex eagerly, and then stopped. + +She did not feel able to explain to Barbara the insatiable powers of +sleep which seemed as though they could never be satisfied, after those +ten years of unvarying obedience to a merciless five o'clock bell. + +"I am glad to hear it," Barbara replied in a dissatisfied voice. "But I +never saw any one so changed. Have you been ill?" + +"Rather run down," Alex said hurriedly, with the convent instinct of +denying physical ills. "I had two or three very troublesome abscesses in +my throat, just before Easter, and that left me rather weak." + +"My dear, how awful! You never told me. Did you have an operation? Are +you scarred?" + +"No. They broke of themselves _inside_ my throat, luckily." + +"Oh--don't!" cried Barbara, and shuddered. + +The sisters were very silent during tea. Alex saw her sister looking +hard at her hands, and became conscious of contrast. Barbara was thin, +but her hands were slender and exceedingly white. She wore, besides her +wedding-ring, a sapphire one, which Alex thought must have been her +engagement-ring. On her wrist was a tiny gold watch, and a gold +curb-chain bracelet. Her own hands, Alex now saw, were more than thin. +They were almost emaciated, with knuckles that shone white, and a sharp +prominence at each wrist-bone. They were not white, but rough and +mottled, with broken skin round each finger-nail. She wondered if her +whole person was in as striking a contrast to her sister's. When she had +put on the serge skirt and white muslin shirt, the sensation had +overwhelmed her, accustomed to the heavy religious habit, of being +lightly, almost indecently clad. But Barbara's dress was of soft, silky +material, with a low, turned-down collar, such as was just beginning to +come into fashion. Her hair was piled into a shining knot of little, +sausage-shaped curls, and parted in front. Though she was only +twenty-eight, the grey in Barbara's hair was plentiful, but her small +face looked youthful enough, and had none of the hard lines and shadows +that Alex knew to lie round her own eyes and lips. Her little, slight +figure was very erect, and she wore black suède shoes with sparkling +buckles. Alex looked down at her own clumsy, ill-made boots, which had +already begun to hurt her feet, and instinctively put up her hands to +the cheap black toque, that felt heavy on her head. + +"Why don't you take off your hat?" Barbara asked her kindly. "I am sure +it would rest you." + +She was too much used to obedience not to comply instantly, pushing back +with both hands the weight of untidy hair that instantly fell over her +eyes. + +"Oh, Alex! Your hair!" + +"It's growing very fast. I--I've not been cutting it lately. There's +just enough to put it up, Barbara." + +"It's much darker than it used to be, isn't it?" + +"Yes, it's nearly black now. Do you remember how light the ends used to +be? But I think it lost its colour from being always under the veil, you +know. The worst of it is that it's not growing evenly, it's all short +lengths." + +"Yes. That's very awkward," said Barbara dispassionately. "Especially +when it's so straight." + +Alex reflected that her sister was just as self-contained as ever. + +"Wouldn't you like to come to your room and rest till dinner, Alex?" + +Alex got up at once. + +"You ought to take Plasmon, or something of that sort, and try to get a +little fatter. There's simply nothing of you, Alex--you're all eyes, +with rings like saucers round them." + +After Barbara had left her in the tiny, pretty bedroom, that Alex +thought looked wonderfully luxurious, she went straight to her +looking-glass. + +"Good heavens, how ugly I am!" she said to herself involuntarily. + +Her face was sallow, with sunken cheeks, and the Roman sun had powdered +her skin all over with little, pale freckles. Her eyes, as Barbara had +said, had rings like saucers round them, and looked oddly large and +prominent, from the slight puffiness of the under-lids. + +Her teeth had, perhaps, suffered most of all. She had had one or two +taken out, and the gaps were visible and unsightly. They had never been +very good teeth, and she remembered still all that she had suffered at +the hands of an unskilled Brussels dentist in Belgium. For the last few +years she had endured intermittent toothache, sooner than submit to +further torture, and she saw now that a small black patch was spreading +between the two front teeth. Barbara, with the grey mingled freely in +her light hair, and her severe widow's weeds, might look more than +twenty-eight but Alex, at thirty-one, bore the semblance of a woman of +forty. + +She hid her face in her disfigured hands. + +Presently she saw that there was hot water in a little brass can on the +washing-stand, and she thankfully made use of it. + +Ada had unpacked everything, and Alex saw the brush and comb that she +had hastily purchased, on the dressing-table. Beside them was the packet +of hair-pins that she had remembered to get at the last moment, and that +was all. + +"There ought to be something else, but I've forgotten," thought Alex. + +She wondered if Barbara would expect her to dress for dinner. The idea +had not occurred to her. She had one other blouse, a much better one, +made of black net, so transparent as to show glimpses of her coarse, +white-cotton underwear, with its high yoke and long sleeves. + +Her hair, of course, was impossible. Even if it had not been so short +and of such an intractable, limp straightness. Alex had forgotten how to +do it. She remembered with dim surprise that at Clevedon Square Lady +Isabel's maid had always done her hair for her. + +She brushed it away from her face, and made a small coil on the top of +her head, after the fashion which she remembered best, and tried to +fasten back the untidy lengths that fell over her ears and forehead. + +The hair-pins that she had bought were very long and thick. She wished +that they did not show so obviously. + +"Alex?" said Barbara's cool voice at her door. + +Alex came out, and they went downstairs together, Alex a few steps +behind her sister, since the stairs were not broad enough for two to +walk abreast. She tried awkwardly not to step on the tail of Barbara's +black lace teagown. Ada waited upon them, and although the helpings of +food seemed infinitesimal to Alex, everything tasted delicious, and she +wondered if Barbara always had three courses as well as a dessert of +fruit and coffee, even when she was by herself. + +"You don't smoke, I suppose?" Barbara said. "No, of course not how +stupid of me! Let's go up to the drawing-room again." + +"Barbara, do you smoke?" + +"No. Ralph hated women to smoke, and I don't like to see it myself, +though pretty nearly every one does it now. Violet smokes _far_ too +much. I wonder Cedric lets her. But as a matter of fact, he lets her do +anything she likes." + +"I can't realize Cedric married." + +"I know. Look here, Alex, he'll want to see you--and you'll be wanting +to talk over plans, won't you?" + +"Yes," said Alex nervously. "I--I don't want to have a lot of fuss, you +know. Of course I know it's upsetting for everybody--my coming out of +the convent after every one thought I was settled. But, oh, Barbara! I +_had_ to leave!" + +"Personally, I can't think why you ever went in," said Barbara +impersonally. "Or why you took ten years to find out you weren't suited +to the life. That sounds unkind, and I don't mean to be--you know I +don't. Of course, you were right to come away. Only I'm afraid they've +ruined your health--you're so dreadfully thin, and you look much older +than you've any right to, Alex. I believe you ought to go into the +country somewhere and have a regular rest-cure. Every one is doing them +now. However, we'll see what Cedric and Violet say." + +"When shall I see them?" asked Alex nervously. + +"Well," said her sister, hesitating, "what about tomorrow? It's better +to get it over at once, isn't it? I thought I'd ring them up this +evening--I know they're dining at home." She glanced at the clock. + +"Look here, Alex, why don't you go to bed? I always go early myself--and +you're simply dead tired. Do! Then tomorrow we might go into town and do +some shopping. You'll want some things at once, won't you?" + +Alex saw that Barbara meant her to assent, and said "Yes" in a dazed +way. + +She was very glad to go to her room, and the bed seemed extraordinarily +comfortable. + +Barbara had kissed her and said anxiously, "I do hope you'll feel more +like yourself tomorrow, my dear. I hardly feel I know you." + +Then she had rustled away, and Alex had heard her go downstairs, perhaps +to telephone to Clevedon Square. + +Lying in bed in the dark, she thought about her sister. + +It seemed incredible to Alex that she could ever have bullied and +domineered over Barbara. Yet in their common childhood, this had +happened. She could remember stamping her foot at Barbara, and +compelling her to follow her sister's lead again and again. And there +was the time when she had forced a terrified, reluctant Barbara to play +at tight-rope dancing on the stairs, and Barbara had obediently +clambered on to the newel-post, and fallen backwards into the hall and +hurt her back. + +Alex remembered still the agonized days and nights of despairing remorse +which had followed, and her own sense of being all but a murderess. She +had thought then that she could never, never quarrel and be angry with +Barbara again. But she had gone away to school, and Barbara had got +well, and in the holidays Alex had been more overbearing than ever in +the schoolroom. + +And now Barbara seemed so infinitely competent--so remote from the +failures and emotional disasters that had wrecked Alex. She made Alex +feel like a child in the hands of a serious, rather ironical grown-up +person, who did not quite know how to dispose of it. + +Alex herself wondered what would happen to her, much as a child might +have wondered. But she was tired enough to sleep. + +And the next morning Barbara, more competent than ever, came in and +suggested that she should have her breakfast in bed, so as to feel +rested enough for a morning's shopping in town. + +"Though I must say," said Barbara, in a dissatisfied voice, "that you +don't look any better than you did last night. I hoped you might look +more like yourself, after a night's rest. I really don't think the +others will know you." + +"Am I going to see them?" + +"Oh, I talked to Violet last night on the telephone, and she said I was +to give you her love, and she hoped we'd both lunch there tomorrow." + +"At Clevedon Square?" asked Alex, beginning to tremble. + +"Yes. You don't mind, do you?" + +"No, I don't mind." + +It was very strange to be in the remembered London streets again, +stranger still to be taken to shops by Barbara and authoritatively +guided in the choice of a coat and skirt, a hat that should conceal as +much as possible of the disastrous _coiffure_ underneath, and a pair of +black suède walking-shoes, that felt oddly light and soft to her feet. + +"There's no hurry about the other things, is there?" said Barbara, more +as though stating a fact than asking a question. "Now we'd better take a +taxi to Clevedon Square, or we shall be late." + +A few minutes later, as the taxi turned into the square, she said, with +what Alex recognized in surprise as a kind of nervousness in her voice: + +"We thought you'd rather get it all over at once, you know, Alex. Seeing +the family, I mean. Pam is staying there anyway, and Violet said Archie +was coming to lunch. There'll be nobody else, except, perhaps, one of +Violet's brothers. She's always got one or other of them there." + +Alex felt sick with dismay. Then some remnant of courage came back to +her, and she clenched her hands unseen, and vowed that she would go +through with it. + +The cab stopped before the familiar steps, and Barbara said, as to a +stranger: "Here we are." + + + + +XXIV + +All of Them + + +The well-remembered hall and broad staircase swam before Alex' eyes as +she followed Barbara upstairs and heard them announced as: + +"Mrs. McAllister--and Miss Clare!" + +In a dream she entered the room, and was conscious of a dream-like +feeling of relief at its totally unfamiliar aspect. All the furniture +was different, and there was chintz instead of brocade, everywhere. She +would not have known it. + +Then she saw, with growing bewilderment, that the room was full of +people. + +"Alex?" said a soft, unknown voice. + +Barbara hovered uneasily beside her, and Alex dimly heard her speaking +half-reassuringly and half-apologetically. But Violet Clare had taken +her hand, and was guiding her into the inner half of the room, which was +empty. + +"Don't bother about the others for a minute--Barbara, go and look after +them, like a dear--let's make acquaintance in peace, Alex. Do you know +who I am?" + +"Cedric's wife?" + +"Yes, that's it." Then, as Barbara left them, Violet noiselessly stamped +her foot. "You poor dear! I don't believe she ever told you there was to +be a whole crowd of family here. That's just like poor, dear Barbara! +I'm sure she never had one atom of imagination in her life, now had she? +The idea of dragging you here the very day after you got back from such +a journey." The soft, fluent voice went on, giving her time to recover +herself, Alex hardly hearing what was said to her, but with a sensation +of adoring gratitude gradually invading her, for this warm, unhesitating +welcome and unquestioning sympathy. + +She looked dumbly at her sister-in-law. + +In Violet she saw the soft, generous contours and opulent prettiness of +which she had caught glimpses in the South. The numerous Marchesas who +had come to the convent parlour in Rome had had just such brown, liquid +eyes, with dark lashes throwing into relief an opaque ivory skin, just +such dazzling teeth and such ready, dimpling smiles, and had worn the +same wealth of falling laces at _décolleté_ throat and white, rounded +wrists. Violet was in white, with a single string of wonderful pearls +round her soft neck, and her brilliant brown hair was arranged in +elaborate waves, with occasional little escaping rings and tendrils. + +Alex thought her beautiful, and wondered why Barbara had spoken in +deprecation of such sleepy, prosperous prettiness. + +She noticed that Violet did not look at her with rather wondering +dismay, as her sister had done, and only once said: + +"You do look tired, you poor darling! It's that hateful journey. I'm a +fearfully bad traveller myself. When we were married, Cedric wanted to +go to the south of France for our honeymoon, but I told him nothing +would induce me to risk being seasick, and he had to take me to Cornwall +instead. Cedric will be here in a minute, and we'll make him come and +talk to you quietly out here. You don't want to go in amongst all that +rabble, do you?" + +"Who is there?" asked Alex faintly. + +"Pam and the boys--that's my two brothers, you know, whom you needn't +bother about the very least bit in the world, and here's Archie," she +added, as the door opened again. + +Alex would have known Archie in a moment, anywhere, he was so like their +mother. Even the first inflection of his voice, as he came towards +Violet, reminded her of Lady Isabel. + +She had not seen him since his schooldays, and wondered if he would have +recognized her without Violet's ready explanation. + +"Alex has come, Archie. That goose Barbara went and brought her here +without explaining that she's only just got back to England, and is +naturally tired to death. I'll leave you to talk, while I see what's +happened to Cedric." + +"I say!" exclaimed Archie, and stood looking desperately embarrassed. +"How are you, Alex, old girl? We meet as strangers, what?" + +"I should have known you anywhere, Archie. You're so like Barbara--so +like mother." + +"They say Pam's exactly like what mother was. Have you seen her?" + +"No, not yet. She--Violet--brought me in here." + +"I say, she's a ripper, isn't she? Cedric didn't do badly for +himself--trust him. Wonder what the beggar'll be up to next? He's done +jolly well, all along the line--retrieved the family fortunes, what? It +only remains for me to wed an American, and Pamela to bring off her +South African millionaire. She's got one after her, did you know?" + +He spoke with a certain boyish eagerness that was rather attractive, but +his rapid speech and restless manner made Alex wonder if he was nervous. + +"Couldn't you ask Pamela to come to me here, so that I could see her +without all those people?" + +"What people? It's only old Jack Temple, and Carol. Harmless as kittens, +what? But I'll get Pam for you in two twos. You watch." + +He put his fingers into his mouth and emitted a peculiar low whistle on +two prolonged notes. The signal was instantly answered from the other +room, but quaveringly, as though the whistler were laughing. + +Then in a minute she appeared, very slim and tall, in the opening +between the two rooms. + +"I like your cheek, Archie!" + +"I say, Pam, Alex is here." + +"Oh, Alex!" + +Pamela, too, looked and sounded rather embarrassed as she came forward +and laid a fresh, glowing cheek against her sister's. + +"Barbara telephoned last night that you'd come, and seemed awfully +seedy," she said in a quick, confused way. "She ought to have made you +rest today." + +"Oh, no, I'm all right," said Alex awkwardly. "How you've changed, +Pamela! I haven't seen you since you were at school." + +Looking at her sister, she secretly rather wondered at what Barbara had +said of the girl's attractiveness. + +Pamela's round face was glowing with health and colour, and she held +herself very upright, but Alex thought that her hair looked ugly, +plastered exaggeratedly low on her forehead, and she could not see the +resemblance to their mother of which Archie had spoken, except in the +fairness of colouring which Pamela shared with Barbara and with Archie +himself. + +"You've changed, too, Alex. You look so frightfully thin, and you've +lost all your colour. Have you been ill?" + +"No, I've not been ill. Only rather run down. I was ill before +Easter--perhaps that's it." + +Alex was embarrassed too, a horrible feeling of failure and inadequacy +creeping over her, and seeming to hamper her in every word and movement. +Pamela's cold, rather wondering scrutiny made her feel terribly unsure +of herself. She had often known the sensation before--at school, in her +early days at the novitiate, again in Rome, and ever since her arrival +in England. It was the helpless insecurity of one utterly at variance +with her surroundings. + +She was glad when Violet came back and said: "Here's Cedric. Go down to +lunch, children--we'll follow you." + +Cedric's greeting to his sister was the most affectionate and the least +awkward that she had yet received. He kissed her warmly and said, "Well, +my dear I'm glad we've got you back in England again. You must come to +us, if Barbara will spare you." + +"Oh, Cedric!" + +She looked at him for a moment, emotionally shaken. That Cedric should +have grown into a man! She saw in a moment that he was very +good-looking, the best-looking of them all, with Sir Francis' pleasantly +serious expression and the merest shade of pomposity in his manner. Only +the blinking, short-sighted grey eyes behind his spectacles remained of +the solemn little brother she had known. + +"Come down and have some lunch, dear. What possessed Barbara to bring +you here, if you didn't feel up to coming? We could have gone to +Hampstead. Violet says she's been most inconsiderate to you." + +"Yes, _most_," said Violet herself placidly. "Dear Barbara is always so +unimaginative. Of course, it's fearfully trying for Alex, after being +away such ages, to have every one thrust upon her like this." + +Alex felt a throb of gratitude. + +"Barbara thought it had better all be got over at once," she said +timidly. + +"That's just like her! Barbara is being completely ruined by that +parlour-maid of hers--Ada. I always think Ada is responsible for all +Barbara's worst inspirations. She rules her with a rod of iron. Shall +you hate coming down to lunch, Alex? Those riotous children will be off +directly, they're wild about the skating-rink at Olympia. Then we can +talk comfortably." + +She put her hand caressingly through Alex' arm, as they went downstairs. +Alex felt that she could have worshipped her sister-in-law for her easy, +pitying tenderness. + +The consciousness of it helped her all through the long meal, when the +noise of laughter and conversation bewildered her, after so many years +of convent refectories and silence, and her solitary dinners in Rome. + +Violet had placed her between Cedric and Pamela, and the girl chattered +to her intermittently, without appearing to require any answer. + +"Are you boys ready?" she cried, just as coffee was brought in. "We +can't wait for coffee--come on! My instructor will be engaged." + +"How are you going, Pam?" asked Violet. + +"Underground. It's the quickest." + +"Oh, no, Pam. Take a taxi. Archie, you must!" + +Between laughter and admonition, they were dispatched--Pamela, Archie +and the two Temple boys, all laughing and talking, and exchanging +allusions and references unintelligible to Alex. + +The room seemed much quieter and darker when the hall-door had finally +slammed behind them. Alex looked round her. + +At the head of his own table, Cedric sat reflective. Violet lounged, +smoking a cigarette and laughing, where Lady Isabel's place had always +been. Opposite Alex, Barbara, in her prim black, was leaning forward and +speaking: + +"What's the attraction about this roller-skating? Pamela seems to do +nothing else, when she isn't dancing." + +"Every one's doing it, my dear. I want to take it up myself, so as to +reduce my figure, but it's such an impossible place to get at. I've only +been to Olympia for the Military Tournaments. But Pam has a perfect +passion for getting about by the underground railway. Alex, isn't Pam a +refreshing person?" + +Alex felt uncertain as to her meaning, and was startled at being +addressed. She knew that she coloured and looked confused. + +"My dear," said Barbara impressively, "your nerves must simply have gone +to pieces. Imagine jumping like that when you're spoken to! Don't you +think she ought to do a rest-cure, Violet? There's a place in Belgrave +Street." + +"No, no," said Violet's kind, soft voice. "She's coming to us. You must +let us have her, Barbara, for a good long visit. Mustn't she, Cedric?" + +"Of course. You must have your old quarters upstairs, Alex." + +The kindness nearly made her cry. She felt as might a child, expecting +to be scolded and punished, and unexpectedly met with smiles and +re-assurance. + +"Come up and see Baby," said Violet. "She's such a little love, and I +want her to know her new auntie." + +"Violet, we really must talk business some time," said Barbara, +hesitating. "There are plans to be settled, you know--what Alex is going +to do next." + +"She's going to play with Rosemary next. Don't worry, dear--we can talk +plans any time. There's really no hurry." + +Alex dimly surmised that the words, and the indolent, _dégagée_ smile +accompanying them, might be characteristic of her new sister-in-law. + +Violet took her upstairs. + +"The nursery is just the same--we haven't changed a thing," she told +her. + +Alex gave a cry of recognition at the top of the stairs. "Oh, the little +gate that fenced off the landing! It was put up when Cedric was a baby, +because he would run out and look through the balusters." + +"Was it, really?" cried Violet delightedly. "Cedric didn't know that--he +told me that it had always been there. I shall love having you, Alex, +you'll be able to tell me such lots of things about Cedric, when he was +a little boy, that no one else knows. You see, there's so little +difference between him and Barbara, isn't there?" + +"I am only three years older than Barbara." + +"Then you're the same age--or a little older than I am. I am +twenty-nine--two whole years older than Cedric. Isn't it dreadful?" + +She laughed gaily as she turned the handle of the nursery door. + +"Baby, precious, where are you?" + +Alex followed her into the big, sunny room. + +A young nurse, in stiff white piqué, sat sewing in the window, and a +starched, blue-ribboned baby, with disordered, sunny curls, crawled +about the floor at her feet. + +When she saw her mother she began to run towards her, with outstretched +hands and inarticulate coos of pleasure. + +"Come along, then, and see your new Auntie." Violet caught her up and +lifted her into her arms. + +"Isn't she rather a love, Alex? Shall we look after her for a little +while, while Nurse goes downstairs?" + +Alex nodded. She felt as though she hardly dared speak, for fear of +frightening the pretty little laughing child. Besides, the constriction +was tightening in her throat. + +Violet sank down into a low chair, with Rosemary still in her arms. + +"I'll stay with her, Nurse, if you like to go downstairs for +half-an-hour." + +"Thank you, my lady." + +"Sit down and let's be comfy, Alex. Isn't this much nicer than being +downstairs?" + +Alex looked round the nursery. As Violet had said, it had not been +altered. On the mantelpiece she suddenly saw the big white clock, +supported by stout Dresden-china cherubs, that had been there ever since +she could remember. It was ticking in a sedate, unalterable way. + +Something in the sight of the clock, utterly familiar, and yet forgotten +altogether during all her years away from Clevedon Square, suddenly +caught at Alex. She made an involuntary, choking sound, and to her own +dismay, sobs suddenly overpowered her. + +"My poor dear!" said Violet compassionately. "Do cry--it'll do you good, +and Baby and I won't mind, or ever tell a soul, will we, my Rosemary? I +knew you'd feel much better when you'd had it out, and nobody will +disturb us here." + +Alex had sunk on to the floor, and was leaning her head against Violet's +chair. + +The soft, murmuring voice went on above her: + +"I never heard of such a thing in my life as Barbara's bringing you here +today--she never explained when she telephoned that you hadn't been in +England for goodness knows how many years, let alone to this house. And, +of course, I thought she'd settled it all with you, till I saw your face +when she brought you into the drawing-room, all full of tiresome people, +and brothers and sisters you hadn't set eyes on for _years_. Then I +knew, of course, and I could have smacked her. You poor child!" + +"No, no," sobbed Alex incoherently. "It's only just at first, and coming +back and finding them all so changed, and not knowing what I am going to +do." + +"Do! Why, you're coming here. Cedric and Rosemary and I want you, and +Barbara doesn't deserve to keep you after the way she's begun. I'll +settle it all with her." + +"Oh, how _kind_ you are to me!" cried Alex. + +Violet bent down and kissed her. + +"Kind! Why, aren't I your sister, and Rosemary your one and only niece? +Look at her, Alex, and see if she's like any one. Cedric sometimes says +she's like your father." + +"A little, perhaps. But she's very like you, I think." + +"Oh, I never had those great, round, grey eyes! Those are Cedric's. And +perhaps yours--they're the same colour. Anyway, I believe she's really +very like what you must have been as a baby, Alex!" + +It was evident that Violet was paying the highest compliment within her +power. + +Alex put out her hand timidly to little Rosemary. She was not at all +shy, and seemed accustomed to being played with and admired, as she sat +on her mother's lap. Alex thought how pretty and happy she and Violet +looked together. She was emotionally too much worn-out, and had for too +many years felt herself to be completely and for ever outside the pale +of warm, human happiness, to feel any pang of envy. + +Presently Violet reluctantly gave up Rosemary to the nurse again, and +said: + +"I'm afraid we ought to go down. I don't like to leave Barbara any +longer. She never comes up here--hardly ever. Poor Barbara! I sometimes +think it's because she hasn't any babies of her own. Let's come down and +find her, Alex." + +They found Barbara in the library, earnestly talking to Cedric, who was +leaning back, smoking and looking very much bored. + +He sprang up when they entered, and from his relieved manner and from +Barbara's abrupt silence, Alex conjectured that they had been discussing +her own return. + +She stood for a moment, forlorn and awkward, till Violet sank on to the +big red-leather sofa, and held out her hand in invitation to her. + +"Give me a cigarette, Cedric. What have you and Barbara been +plotting--like two conspirators?" + +Cedric laughed, looking at her with a sort of indulgent pride, but +Barbara said with determined rapidity: + +"It's all very well, Violet, to laugh, but we've got to talk business. +After all, this unexpected step of Alex' has made a lot of difference. +One thought of her as absolutely settled--as father did, when he made +his will." + +"You see, Alex," Cedric told his sister, "the share which should have +been yours was divided by father's will between Barbara and Pamela, and +there was no mention of you, except just for the fifty pounds a year +which my father thought would pay your actual living expenses in the +convent. He never thought of your coming away again." + +"How could he, after all these years?" ejaculated Barbara. + +"I know. But I couldn't have stayed on, Cedric, indeed I couldn't. I +know I ought to have found out sooner that I wasn't fitted for the +life--but if you knew what it's all been like--" + +Her voice broke huskily, and despair overwhelmed her at the thought of +trying to explain what they would never understand. + +"Poor little thing!" said Violet's compassionate voice. "Of course, you +couldn't stay on. They've nearly killed you, as it is--wretched people!" + +"No--no. They were kind--" + +"The point is, Alex," Barbara broke in, "that you've only got the +wretched fifty pounds a year. Of course, I'd be more than glad to let +you have what would naturally have been yours--but how on earth I'm to +manage it, I don't know. Cedric can tell you what a state poor Ralph +left his affairs in--you'd never believe how little I have to live on. +Of course, the money from father was a godsend, I don't deny it. But if +Cedric thinks it's justice to give it back to you--" + +She looked terribly anxious, gazing at her brother. + +"No, no, Barbara!" said Alex, horrified. "I don't want the money. Of +course, you must keep it--you and Pamela." + +"That's all very well, my dear Alex," said Cedric sensibly, "but how do +you propose to live? You must look at it from a practical point of +view." + +"Then you think--" broke from Barbara irrepressibly. + +"No, my dear, I don't. One knows very well, as things are--as poor Ralph +left things--it would be almost out of the question to expect--" + +He looked helplessly at his wife. + +"Of course, dear," she said placidly. "But there's Pamela's share." + +"Pamela will marry, of course. She's sure to marry, but until then--or +at least until she comes of age--I don't think--as her guardian--" + +Cedric broke off, looking much harassed. + +"If Pam married a rich man--which she probably will," said Violet, with +a low laugh. + +"We can't take distant possibilities into consideration," Barbara +interposed sharply. "We're dealing with actual facts." + +Alex looked from one to the other with bewilderment. She hardly +understood what they were all discussing. From the natural home of her +childhood and girlhood, where she had lived as unthinking of ways and +means as every other girl of her class and generation, she had passed +into the convent world, where all was communal, and the rights of the +individual a thing part shunned, part unknown. She could not, at first, +grasp that Cedric and Barbara and Violet, perhaps Pam and Archie, too, +were all wondering how she would be able to maintain herself on fifty +pounds a year. + +"Of course," Barbara was saying, "Alex could come to me for a bit--I'd +love to have you, dear--but you saw for yourself what a tiny place mine +is--and there's only Ada. I don't quite know what she'd say to having +two people instead of one, I must say--" + +"We want her, too," Violet exclaimed caressingly. "Let us have her for a +little while, Barbara,--while you're preparing Ada's mind for the +shock." She broke into her low, gurgling laugh again. + +Barbara looked infinitely relieved. + +"What do you think, Alex? It isn't that I wouldn't love to have you--but +there's no denying that ways and means _do_ count, and in a tiny +household like mine, every item adds up." + +"Oh," said Alex desperately, "I know what you must feel--the difficulty +of--of knowing what to do with me. It's always been like that, ever +since I was a little girl. I've made a failure of everything. Don't you +remember--Barbara, _you_ must--old Nurse saying, 'Alex will never stick +to anything'? And I never have, I never shall. I can only make dreadful +muddles and failures, and upset you all. If only one could wreck one's +own life without interfering with other people's!" + +There was a silence, which Alex, after her outburst, knew very well was +not one of comprehension. Then Cedric said gently: + +"You mustn't let yourself exaggerate, my dear. We're very glad to have +you with us again, one only can't help wishing it had been rather +sooner. But there's no use in crying over spilt milk, and after all, as +Violet says, there's no hurry about anything. Come to us and have a good +long rest--you look as though you needed it--and get a little flesh on +your bones again. We can settle all the rest afterwards." + +Alex saw Barbara looking at her with furtive eagerness. She turned to +her, with the utter dependence on another's judgment that had become +second nature to her. + +"When shall I go?" + +"My dear!" protested Barbara. "Of course, the longer you can stay with +me the better I shall be pleased. It's only that Ada--" She broke off at +the sound of Violet's irrepressible laugh. + +"You must suit yourself absolutely, of course." + +"Supposing you came to us at the end of the week?" Violet suggested. +"Say Saturday. Pamela is going away then to pay one or two visits--and I +shall have you all to myself." + +Alex looked at her wonderingly. + +It seemed to her incredible that Violet should actually want her, so +engrained was her sense of her own isolation of spirit. That terrible +isolation of those who have definitely, and for long past, lost all +self-confidence, and which can never be realized or penetrated by those +outside. + +"That will be delightful," said Violet, seeming to take her acceptance +for granted. + +Barbara got up, smoothing her skirt gently. + +"We really ought to be going, Alex. I said we'd be in to tea, and it +takes such ages to get back." + +Alex rose submissively. She marvelled at the assurance of Barbara, even +at the ease of her conventionally affectionate farewells. + +"Well, good-bye, my dear. When are you coming out to the wilds to look +me up?" + +Then, without giving her sister-in-law time to reply, she added gaily, +"You must ring me up and let me know, when you've a spare moment. You +know I'm always a fixture. What a blessing the telephone is!" + +"Then we'll see you on Saturday, Alex," said her brother. "Good! Take +care of yourself, my dear." He looked after her with an expression of +concern, as the servant held open the door for her and Barbara and they +went into the street. Alex could not believe that this kindly, rather +pompous man was her younger brother. + +"Cedric has grown very good-looking, but I didn't expect to see him +so--so _old_, somehow," she said. + +Barbara laughed. + +"Time hasn't stood still with any of us, you know. _I_ think Violet +looks older than he does--she is, of course. She'll be a mountain in a +few years' time, if she doesn't take care." + +"Oh, Barbara! I think she's so pretty--and sweet." + +Barbara shrugged her shoulders very slightly. + +"She and I have never made particularly violent friends, though I like +her, of course. Pamela adores her--and I must say she's been good to +Pam. But her kindness doesn't cost her anything. She's always been rich, +and had everything she wanted--she was the only girl, and her people +adored her, and now Cedric lets her do everything she likes. She spends +any amount of money--look at her clothes, and the way she has little +Rosemary always dressed in white." + +"Rosemary is lovely. It's so extraordinary to think of Cedric's child!" + +Barbara tightened her lips. + +"She ought to have been a boy, of course. Cedric pretended not to care, +but it must have been a disappointment--and goodness only knows if +Violet will ever--" + +She stopped, throwing a quick glance out of the corners of her eyes at +her sister. + +Alex wondered why she did not finish her sentence, and what she had been +about to say. + +The constraint in her intercourse with Barbara was becoming more and +more evident to her perceptions. It was clear that her sister did not +intend to ask any questions as to the crisis through which Alex had +passed, and when she had once ascertained that Alex had not "seen +anybody" whilst in Rome, she did not refer to that either. + +Alex wondered if Barbara would tell her anything of Ralph and their +married life, but the reserve which had always been characteristic of +Barbara since her nursery days, had hardened sensibly, and it was +obvious that she wished neither to give nor to receive confidences. + +She was quite ready, however, to discuss her brother Cedric and his +wife, or the prospects of Pamela and Archie, and Alex listened all the +evening to Barbara's incisive little clear tones delivering shrewd +comments and judgments. She again suggested that Alex should go to bed +early, saying as she kissed her good-night: + +"It's quite delightful to have some one to talk to, for me. I generally +read or sew all the evening." + +"It must be lonely for you, Barbara." + +"Oh, I don't mind quiet," she laughed, as though edging away from any +hint of emotional topic. "But, of course, it's nice to have some one for +a change. Good-night." She turned towards the door of the bedroom. "Oh, +Alex! there's just one thing--I know you'd rather I said it. If you +wouldn't mind, sometime--any time you think of it--just letting me have +the money for those clothes we bought for you today. The bills have come +in--I asked for them, as I don't have an account. I knew you'd rather be +reminded, knowing what pauper I am. I only wish I hadn't got to worry +you. Good-night, my dear. Sleep well." + + + + +XXV + +Violet + + +For days and nights to come, the question of the money that Barbara had +paid for her clothes weighed upon Alex. + +She had no idea how she was to repay her. + +The money that had been given her in Rome for her journey to England had +only lasted her to Charing Cross, and even her cab fare to Hampstead had +been supplemented by Barbara. Alex remembered it with fresh dismay. Even +when she had left Downshire Hill and was in Clevedon Square again, the +thought lashed her with a secret terror, until one day she said to +Cedric: + +"What ought I to do, Cedric, to get my fifty pounds a year? Who do I get +it from?" + +"Don't Pumphrey and Scott send it half yearly? I thought that was the +arrangement. You gave them your change of address, I suppose." + +"Oh, no," said Alex gently. "I've never written to them, except once, +just after father died, to ask them to make the cheques payable to to +the Superior." + +"What on earth made you do that?" + +"They thought it was best. You see, I had no banking account, so the +money was paid into the Community's account." + +"I see," Cedric remarked drily. "Well, the sooner you write and revoke +that arrangement, the better. When did they last send you a cheque? In +June?" + +"I don't know," Alex was forced to say, feeling all the time that Cedric +must be thinking her a helpless, unpractical fool. + +"Write and find out. And meanwhile--I say, Alex, have you enough to go +on with?" + +"I--I haven't any money, Cedric. In Rome they gave me enough for my +travelling expenses, but nothing is left of that." + +"But what have you done all this time? I suppose you've wanted clothes +and things." + +"I got some with Barbara, but they aren't paid for. And there are some +other things I need--you see, I haven't got anything at all--not even +stamps," said Alex forlornly. "Violet said something about taking me to +some shops with her, but I suppose all her places are very expensive." + +"They are--dashed expensive," Cedric admitted, with a short laugh. "But +look here, Alex, will you let me advance you what you want? It couldn't +be helped, of course--but the whole arrangement comes rather hard on +you, as things are now. You see, poor Barbara is really as badly off as +she can be. Ralph was a most awful ass, between ourselves, and muddled +away the little he had, and she gets pretty nearly nothing, except a +widow's pension, which was very small, and the money father left. If +you'll believe me, Ralph didn't even insure his life, before going to +South Africa. Of course, he didn't go to fight, but on the staff of one +of the big papers, and it was supposed to be a very good thing, and then +what did he do but go and get dysentery before he'd been there a +fortnight!" + +Cedric's voice held all the pitying scorn of the successful. + +"Poor Barbara," said Alex. + +"That's just what she is. Of course, I think myself that Pamela will +make your share over to you again when she marries. _She's_ not likely +to make a rotten bad match like Barbara--far from it. But until then she +can't do anything, you know--at least, not until she's of age, if then." + +Cedric stopped, and his right hand tapped with his spectacles on his +left hand, in the little, characteristic trick that was so like Sir +Francis. + +Alex had already heard him make much the same observations, but she +realized that Cedric had retained all his old knack of reiteration. + +"I see," she said. + +"Well, my dear, the long and the short of it is, that you must let me be +your banker for the time being. And--and, Alex," said Cedric, with a +most unwonted touch of embarrassment breaking into his kind, assured +manner, "you needn't mind taking it. There's--there's plenty of money +here--there is really--now-a-days." + +Alex realized afterwards that it would hardly have occurred to her to +_mind_ taking the twenty pounds which Cedric offered her with such +patent diffidence. She had never known the want of money, either in her +Clevedon Square days or during her ten years of convent life. She did +not realize its value in the eyes of other people. + +The isolation of her point of view on this and other kindred subjects +gradually became evident to her. Her scale of relative values had +remained that which had been set before her in the early days of her +novitiate. That held by her present surroundings differed from it in +almost every particular, and more especially in degree of concentration. +All Violet's warm, healthy affection for Rosemary did not prevent her +intense preoccupation with her own clothes and her own jewels, or her +innocently-assured conviction that no one was ever in London during the +month of August, and that to be so would constitute a calamity. + +All Cedric's pride in' his wife and love for her, in no way lessened his +manifest satisfaction at his own success in life and at the renovated +fortunes of the house of Clare. + +Both he and Violet found their recreation in playing bridge, Cedric at +his club and Violet in her own house, or at the houses of what seemed to +Alex an infinite succession of elaborately-gowned friends, with all of +whom she seemed to be on exactly the same terms of an unintimate +affection. + +Violet at night, when she dismissed her maid and begged Alex to stay and +talk to her until Cedric came upstairs, which he never did until past +twelve o'clock, was adorable. + +She listened to Alex' incoherent, nervous outpourings, which Alex +herself knew to be vain and futile from the very longing which possessed +her to make herself clear, and said no word of condemnation or of +questioning. + +At first the gentle pressure of Violet's soft hand on her hair, and her +low, sympathetic, murmuring voice, soothed Alex to a sort of worn-out, +tearful gratitude in which she would nightly cry herself to sleep. + +It was only as she grew slowly physically stronger that the craving for +self-expression, which had tormented her all her life, woke again. Did +Violet understand? + +She would reiterate her explanations and dissections of her own past +misery, with a growing consciousness of morbidity and a positive terror +lest Violet should at last repulse, however gently, the endless demand +for an understanding that Alex herself perpetually declared to be +impossible. + +It now seemed to her that nothing mattered so long as Violet understood, +and by that understanding restored to Alex in some degree her utterly +shattered self-respect and self-confidence. This dependence grew the +more intense, as she became more aware how unstable was her foothold in +the world of normal life. + +With the consciousness of an enormous and grotesque mistake behind her, +mingled all the convent tradition of sin and disgrace attached to broken +vows and the return to an abjured world. One night she said to Violet: + +"I didn't do anything _wrong_ in entering the convent. It was a mistake, +and I'm bearing the consequence of the mistake. But it seems to me that +people find it much easier to overlook a sin than a mistake." + +"Well, I'd rather ask a _divorcée_ to lunch than a woman who ate peas +off her knife," Violet admitted candidly. + +"That's what I mean. There's really no place for people who've made bad +mistakes--anywhere." + +"If you mean yourself, Alex, dear, you know there's always a place for +you here. Just as long as you're happy with us. Only I'm sometimes +afraid that it's not quite the sort of life--after all you've been +through, you poor dear. I know people do come in and out a good +deal--and it will be worse than ever when Pam is at home." + +"Violet, you're very good to me. You're the only person who has seemed +at all to understand." + +"My dear, I do understand. Really, I think I do. It's just as you +say--you made a mistake when you were very young--_much_ too young to be +allowed to take such a step, in my opinion--and you're suffering the +most bitter consequences. But no one in their senses could blame you, +either for going into that wretched place, or--still less--for coming +out of it." + +"One is always blamed by some one, I think, for every mistake. People +would rather forgive one for murder, than for making a fool of oneself." + +"Forgiveness," said Violet thoughtfully. "It's rather an overrated +virtue, in my opinion. I don't think it ought to be very hard to forgive +any one one loved, anything." + +"Would _you_ forgive anything, Violet?" + +"I think so," said Violet, looking rather surprised. "Unless I were +deliberately deceived by some one whom I trusted. That's different. Of +course, one might perhaps forgive even then in a way--but it wouldn't be +the same thing again, ever." + +"No," said Alex. "No, of course not. Every one feels the same about +deceit." + +In the depths of her own consciousness, Alex was groping dimly after +some other standard--some elusive certainty, that continually evaded +her. Were not those things which were hardest to forgive, the most in +need of forgiveness? + +Alex, with the self-distrust engrained in the unstable, wondered if that +question were not born of the fundamental weakness in her own character, +which had led her all her life to evade or pervert the truth in a +passionate fear lest it should alienate from her the love and confidence +that she craved for from others. + +Sometimes she thought, "Violet will find me out, and then she will stop +being fond of me." + +And, knowing that her claim on Violet's compassion was the strongest +link that she could forge between them, she would dilate upon the mental +and physical misery of the last two years, telling herself all the time +that she was trading on her sister's pity. + +Her days in Clevedon Square were singularly empty, after Violet had +tried the experiment of taking Alex about with her to the houses of one +or two old friends, and Alex had come back trembling and nearly crying, +and begging never to go again. + +Her nerves were still utterly undependable, and her health had suffered +no less than her appearance. Violet would have taken her to see a +doctor, but Alex dreaded the questions that he would, of necessity, put +to her, and Cedric, who distrusted inherently the practice of any +science of which he himself knew nothing, declared that rest and good +food would be her best physicians. + +Sometimes she went to see Barbara at Hampstead, but seldom willingly. +One of her visits there was the occasion for a stupid, childish lie, of +which the remembrance made her miserable. + +Alex, amongst other unpractical disabilities, was as entirely devoid as +it is possible to be of any sense of direction. She had never known how +to find her way about, and would turn as blindly and instinctively in +the wrong direction as a Dartmoor pony turns tail to the wind. + +For ten years she had never been outside the walls of the convent alone, +and when she had lived in London as a girl, she could not remember ever +having been out-of-doors by herself. + +Violet, always driven everywhere in her own motor, and accustomed to +Pamela's modern resourcefulness and independence, never took so childish +an inability into serious consideration. + +"Alex, dear, Barbara hoped you'd go down to her this afternoon. Will you +do that, or come to Ranelagh? The only thing is, if you wouldn't mind +going to Hampstead in a taxi? I shall have to use the Mercédès, and the +little car is being cleaned." + +"Of course, I shouldn't mind. I'll go to Barbara, I think." + +"Just whichever you like best. And you'll be back early, won't you? +because we're dining at seven, and you know how ridiculous Cedric is +about punctuality and the servants, and all that sort of thing." + +After Violet had gone, in all her soft, elaborate laces and +flower-wreathed hat, Alex, with every instinct of her convent training +set against the extravagance of a taxi, started out on foot, rejoicing +that a sunny July day should give her the opportunity of enjoying +Pamela's boasted delight, the top of an omnibus. + +She took the wrong one, discovered her mistake too late, and spent most +of the afternoon in bewilderedly retracing her own footsteps. Finally +she found a taxi, and arrived at Downshire Hill very tired, and after +five o'clock. + +Barbara was shocked, as Alex had known she would be, at the taxi. + +"Violet is so inconsiderate. Because she can afford taxis as a matter of +course herself, she never thinks that other people can't. I know myself +how every shilling mounts up. I'll see you into an omnibus when you go, +Alex. It takes just under an hour, and you need only change once." + +But that change took place at the junction of four roads, all of them +seething with traffic. + +And again Alex was hopelessly at sea, and boarded at last an omnibus +that conveyed her swiftly in the wrong direction. + +She was late for dinner, and when Cedric inquired, with his assumption +of the householder whose domestic routine has been flung out of gear, +what had delayed her, she stammered and said that Barbara had kept +her--she hadn't let her start early enough--had mistaken the time. + +It was just such a lie as a child might have told in the fear of +ridicule or blame, and she told it badly as a child might have told it, +stammering, with a frightened widening of her eyes, so that even +easy-going Violet looked momentarily puzzled. + +Alex despised and hated herself. + +She knew vaguely that her sense of proportion was disorganized. She was +a woman of thirty-one, and her faults, her judgments and appreciations, +even her mistakes, were those of an ill-regulated, unbalanced child of +morbid tendencies. + +When Pamela came back to Clevedon Square, Alex was first of all afraid +of her, and then became jealous of her. + +She was jealous of Pam's self-confidence, of her enormous security in +her own popularity and success, jealous even of the innumerable common +interests and the mutual love of enjoyment that bound her and Violet +together. + +She was miserably ashamed of her feelings, and sought to conceal them, +none the less as she became aware of a certain shrewdness of judgment +underlying all Pamela's breezy vitality and _joie de vivre_. She and her +sister had nothing in common. + +To Pamela, Alex evidently appeared far removed from herself as a being +of another generation, less of a contemporary than pretty, sought-after +Violet, or than little Rosemary in her joyous, healthy play. Pamela +could accompany Violet everywhere, always radiantly enjoying herself, +and receiving endless congratulations, thinly disguised as raillery, on +her universal popularity and the charm that she seemed to radiate at +will. She could play whole-heartedly with Rosemary, thoroughly enjoying +a romp for its own sake, and making even Cedric laugh at her complete +_abandon_. + +"Don't you like children?" Pamela asked Alex, looking up from the +nursery floor where she was playing with her niece. + +"Yes, I like them," said Alex sombrely. + +She had been reflecting bitterly that she would have known how to play +with a baby of her own. But with Pamela and the nurse in the room, she +was afraid of picking up Rosemary and making a fuss with her as Pam was +doing, afraid with the terrible insecurity of the self-conscious. + +And she never would have babies of her own now. The thought had +tormented her often of late, watching Violet with her child, and Pamela +with her own radiantly-secure future that would hold home and happiness +as her rights. + +But Alex concealed her thoughts, even, as far as possible, from herself. + +The married woman who is denied children may lament her deprivation and +receive compassion, but the spinster whose lot forbids her the hope, +must either conceal her regrets or know herself to be accounted morbid +and indelicate. + +"I like babies while they're small," Pam remarked. "Don't I, you little +horror of a niece? Other people's, you know. I don't know that I should +want any of my own--they're all very well when they're tiny, but I can't +bear them at the tell-me-a-story stage. I make it a rule never to tell +the children stories at the houses where I stay. I always say, the very +first evening, that I don't know any. Then they know what to expect. +Some girls let themselves be regularly victimized, if they want to +please the children's mother, and get asked again. I must say I do hate +that sort of thing myself, and I don't believe it really does any good. +Men are generally frightfully bored by the sort of girl who's 'perfectly +wonderful with children.' They'd much rather have one who can play +tennis, or who's good at bridge." + +Pamela laughed comfortably at her own cynicism. "I must say I do think +it pays one to be honest in the long run. I always say exactly what I +feel myself, and don't care what any one thinks of me." + +Alex felt a dull anger at her sister's self-complacent statement of what +she knew to be the truth. Pamela could afford to be frank, and her boast +seemed to Alex to cast an oblique reflection on herself. She gazed at +her without speaking, wretchedly conscious of her own unreason. + +"Look at Aunt Alex, Baby!" mischievously exclaimed Pam in a loud +whisper. "We're rather afraid of her when she pulls a long face like +that, aren't we? Have we been naughty, do you think?" + +Alex tried to laugh, contorting her lips stiffly. Pamela jumped up from +the floor. + +"Really and truly, you know, Alex," she gravely told her sister, "you +ought to try and make things less _au grand sérieux_. I think you'd be +much happier, if you'd only cultivate a sense of humour--we all think +so." + +Then she ran out of the room. + +Alex sat still. + +So they all thought that she ought to cultivate a sense of humour. She +felt herself to be ridiculous in their eyes, with her eternal air of +tragedy, her sombre despair in the midst of their gay, good-humoured +conventions, that admitted of everything except of weighty, unseasonable +gloom. + +Pamela's spontaneous and unwearied high spirits seemed to her to throw +her own dejection into greater relief; her own utter social +incompetence. + +She began to long for the end of July, when the household in Clevedon +Square would be dispersed for the remainder of the summer. + +Pamela talked incessantly of a yachting invitation which she had +received for August, and spoke of the difficulty of "sandwiching in" +country-house visits for autumn shooting-parties, and Alex knew that +Violet's people were taking a house in Scotland, and wanted her and +Cedric and the baby to make it their headquarters. She wondered, with a +sense of impending crisis, what would happen to her. + +At last Cedric said to her: + +"Have you any particular plans for August, Alex? I want to get Violet up +north as soon as possible, she's done so much rushing about lately. I +wish you could come with us, my dear, but we're going to the +Temples'--that's the worst of not having a place of one's own in the +country--" + +"Oh," said Alex faintly, "don't bother about me, Cedric. I shall find +somewhere." + +He looked dissatisfied, but said only: + +"Well, you'll talk it over with Violet. I know she's been vexed at +seeing so little of you lately, but Pamela's an exacting young woman, +and chaperoning her is no joke. I wish she'd hurry up and get +settled--all this rushing about is too much for Violet." + +"I thought she liked it." + +"So she does. Anyhow," said Cedric, with an odd, shy laugh, "she'd like +anything that pleased somebody else. She's made like that. I've never +known her anything but happy--like sunshine." Then he flung a +half-smoked cigarette into the fireplace, looked awkward at his own +unusual expression of feeling, and abruptly asked Alex if she'd seen the +newspaper. + +Alex crept away, wondering why happiness should be accounted a virtue. +She loved Violet with a jealous, exclusive affection and admiration, but +she thought enviously that she, too, could have been like sunshine if +she had received all that Violet received. She, too, would have liked to +be always happy. + +She had her talk with Violet. + +There was the slightest shade of wistfulness in Violet's gentleness. + +"I wish we'd made you happier, but I really believe quiet is what you +want most, and things aren't ever very quiet here--especially with Pam. +I simply love having her, but I'm not sure she is the best person for +you, just now." + +"I don't feel I know her very well. I mean, I'm not at all at home with +her. She makes me realize what a stranger I am to the younger ones, +after all these years." + +"Poor Alex!" + +"You're much more like my sister than she is, and yet a year ago I +didn't know you." + +"Alex, dear, I'm so glad if I'm a comfort to you--but I wish you +wouldn't speak in that bitter way about poor little Pamela. It seems so +unnatural." + +Violet's whole healthy instinct was always, Alex had already discovered, +to tend towards the normal--the outlook of well-balanced sanity. She was +instinctively distressed by abnormality of any kind. + +"I didn't really mean it," said Alex hurriedly, with the old fatal +instinct of propitiation, and read dissent into the silence that +received her announcement. + +It was the subconscious hope of rectifying herself in Violet's eyes that +made her add a moment later: + +"Couldn't Barbara have me for a little while when you go up to Scotland? +I think she would be quite glad." + +"Of course she would. She's often lonely, isn't she? And you think you'd +be happy with her?" + +"Oh, yes," said Alex eagerly, bent on showing Violet that she had no +unnatural aversion from being with her own sister. + +But Violet still looked rather troubled. + +"You remember that you found it rather difficult there, when you first +got back. You said then that Barbara and you had never understood one +another even as children." + +"Oh, but that will all be different now," said Alex, confused, and +knowing that her manner was giving an impression of shiftiness from her +very consciousness that she was contradicting herself. + +As Pamela's claims and her own ceaseless fear of inadequacy made her +increasingly unsure of Violet, Alex became less and less at ease with +her. + +The old familiar fear of being disbelieved gave uncertainty to every +word she uttered and she could not afford to laugh at Pam's merciless +amusement in pointing out the number of times that she contradicted +herself. Violet always hushed Pamela, but she looked puzzled and rather +distressed, and her manner towards Alex was more compassionate than +ever. + +Alex, with the impetuous unwisdom of the weak, one day forced an issue. + +"Violet, do you trust me?" + +"My dear child, what _do_ you mean? Why shouldn't I trust you? Are you +thinking of stealing my pearls?" + +But Alex could not smile. + +"Do you believe everything that I say?" + +Violet looked at her and asked very gently: + +"What makes you ask, Alex? You're not unhappy about the nonsense that +child Pamela sometimes talks, are you?" + +"No, not exactly. It's--it's just everything...." Alex looked miserable, +tongue-tied. + +"Oh, Alex, do try and take things more lightly. You make yourself so +unhappy, poor child, with all this self-torment. Can't you take things +as they come, more?" + +The counsel found unavailing echo in Alex' own mind. She knew that her +mental outlook was wrenched out of all gear, and she knew also, in some +dim, undefined way, that a worn-out physical frame was responsible for +much of her self-inflicted torment of mind. Sometimes she wondered +whether the impending solution to her whole destiny, still hanging over +her, would find her on the far side of the abyss which separates the +normal from the insane. + +The days slipped by, and then, just before the general dispersal, Pamela +suddenly announced her engagement to Lord Richard Gunvale, the youngest +and by far the wealthiest of her many suitors. + +"Oh, Pam, Pam!" cried Violet, laughing, "why couldn't you wait till +after we'd left town?" + +But every one was delighted, and congratulations and letters and +presents and telegrams poured in. + +Pamela declared that she would not be married until the winter, and +refused to break her yachting engagement. She was more popular than ever +now, and every one laughed at her delightful originality and gazed at +the magnificence of the emerald and diamond ring on her left hand. + +And Alex began to hope faintly that perhaps when Pamela was married, +things might be different at Clevedon Square. + +Then one night, just before she was to go to Hampstead, she overheard a +conversation between Cedric and his wife. + +She was on the stairs in the dark, and they were in the lighted hall +below, and from the first instant that Cedric spoke, Alex lost all sense +of what she was doing, and listened. + +"...they're wearing you out, Pam and Alex between them. I won't have any +more of it, I tell you." + +"No, no, my dear old goose. Of course they're not." Violet's soft +laughter came up to Alex' ears with a muffled sound, as though her head +were resting against Cedric's shoulder. "Anyhow, it isn't Pam--I'm +_delighted_ about her, of course. Only Alex--I wish she was happier!" + +"And why isn't she? You're a perfect angel to her," said Cedric +resentfully. + +"I'm so _sorry_ for her--only it's difficult sometimes--a feeling like +shifting sands. One doesn't know what to be _at_ with her. If only she +said what she wanted or didn't want, right out, but it's that awful +anxiety to please--poor darling." + +"She always was like that, from our nursery days. You never could get +the rights of a matter out of her--plain black or white--she'd say one +thing one day and another the next, always." + +"That's what I find so difficult! It's impossible to do anything for a +person like that--it's the one thing I _can't_ understand." + +"Pack her off to Hampstead tomorrow," Cedric observed gruffly. "I _will_ +not have you bothered." + +"Oh, Cedric! I'm not bothered--how can you? She'll be going next week, +anyway, poor dear, and it may be easier for her to be herself with +Barbara, who's her own sister, after all. But I don't know what about +afterwards--when we get back." + +"You'll have quite enough to think about with Pam's wedding, without +Alex on your hands as well. Violet," said Cedric, with a note in his +voice that Alex had never heard there, "when I think of the way you've +behaved to all my wretched family--" + +Alex did not hear Violet's answer, which was very softly spoken. + +She had turned and gone away upstairs in the dark. + + + + +XXVI + +August + + +Was it, after all, only for Cedric's sake that Violet had kept her at +Clevedon Square--had shown her such heavenly kindness and gentleness? + +Alex asked herself the question all night long in utter misery of +spirit. She had craved all her life for an exclusive, personal +affection, and had been mocked with counterfeit again and again. She +knew now that it was only in despair at such cheating of fate that she +had flung herself rashly to the opposite end of the scale, and sought to +embrace a life that purported detachment from all earthly ties. + +"_I will have all or none_" had been the inward cry of her bruised +spirit. + +Fate had taken her at her word, this time, and she had not been strong +enough to endure, and had fled, cowering, from the consequence of her +own act. + +Tortured, distraught, with self-confidence shattered to the earth, she +had turned once again, with hands that trembled as they pleaded, to ask +comfort of human love and companionship. Violet had not condemned her, +had pitied her, and had shown her untiring sympathy and affection--for +love of Cedric. + +Alex rose haggard, in the morning. She wanted to be alone. The thought +of going to Barbara in Hampstead had become unendurable to her. + +It was with a curious sense of inevitability that she found a letter +from Barbara asking her if she could put off her visit for the present. +The admirable Ada had developed measles. + +"Good Lord, can't they send her to a hospital?" exclaimed Cedric, with +the irritability of a practical man who finds his well-ordered and +practical plans thrown out of gear by some eminently unpractical +intervention on the part of Providence. + +"I'm sure Barbara never would," said Violet, laughing. "Poor dear, I +hope she won't catch it herself. It'll mean having the house +disinfected, too--what a nuisance for her. But, Alex, dear, you must +come with us! I'll send a wire today--mother will be perfectly +delighted." + +"Couldn't I stay here?" asked Alex. + +Cedric explained that the house would be partially shut up, with only +two of the servants left. + +"I shouldn't give any trouble--I'd so much rather," Alex urged, +unusually persistent. + +"My dear, it's out of the question. Not a soul in London--you forget +it's August." + +"But, Cedric," said Violet, "I don't see why she shouldn't do as she +likes. It will be only till Barbara can have her, after all--I suppose +Ada will be moved as soon as she's better, and the disinfecting can't +take so very long. If she wants to stay here?" + +"I do," said Alex, with sudden boldness. + +"You don't think you'll be lonely?" + +"No, no." + +"After all," Violet considered, "it will be very good for Ellen and the +tweeny to have somebody to wait upon. I never do like leaving them here +on enormous board wages, to do nothing at all--though Cedric _will_ +think it's the proper thing to do, because his father did it." + +She laughed, and Cedric said, with an air of concession: + +"Well, just till Barbara can take you in, perhaps--if you think London +won't be unbearable. But mind you, Alex, the minute you get tired of it, +or feel the heat too much for you, you're to make other arrangements." + +Alex wondered dully what other arrangements Cedric supposed that she +could make. She had no money, and had never even roused herself to write +the letter he had recommended, asking to have her half-yearly allowance +sent to her own address and not to that of the Superior of the convent. + +But on the day before Cedric and Violet, with Violet's maid, and +Rosemary, and her nurse, and her pram, all took their departure, Cedric +called Alex into the study. + +She went to him feeling oddly as though she was the little girl again, +who had, on rare occasions, been sent for by Sir Francis, and had found +him standing just so, his back to the fireplace, spectacles in hand, +speaking in just the same measured, rather regretful tones of +kindliness. + +"Alex, I've made out two cheques one to cover the servants' board wages, +which I thought you would be good enough to give them at the end of the +month, and one for your own living expenses. You'd better cash that at +once, in case you want any ready money. Have you anywhere to keep it +under lock and key?" + +Cedric, no more than Sir Francis, trusted to a woman's discretion in +matters of money. + +"Yes, there's the drawer of the writing-table in my bedroom." + +"That will be all right, then. The servants are perfectly trustworthy, +no doubt, but loose cash should never be left about in any case--if you +want more, write to me. And, Alex, I've seen old Pumphrey--father's man +of business. He will see that you get your fifty pounds. Here is the +first instalment." + +Cedric gravely handed her a third cheque. + +"Have you a banking account?" + +"I don't think so." + +"Then I'll arrange to open one for you at my bank today. You'd better +deposit this at once, hadn't you--unless you want anything?" + +"No," faltered Alex, not altogether understanding. + +"You will have no expenses while you're here, of course," said Cedric, +rather embarrassed. Alex looked bewildered. It had never occurred to her +to suggest paying for her own keep while she remained alone at Clevedon +Square. She gave back to her brother the cheque for twenty-five pounds, +and received his assurance that it would be banked in her name that +afternoon. + +"They will send you a cheque-book, and you can draw out any small sum +you may need later on." + +"I don't think I shall need any," said Alex, looking at the other two +cheques he had given her, made payable to herself, and thinking what a +lot of money they represented. + +"You will have a thorough rest and change with Barbara," Cedric said, +still looking at her rather uneasily. "Then, when we meet again in +October, it will be time enough--" + +He did not say what for, and Alex remembered the conversation that she +had overheard on the stair. With a feeling of cunning, she was conscious +of her own determination to take the initiative out of his hands, +without his knowledge. + +They did not want her, and they would want her less than ever, with all +the approaching business connected with Pamela's wedding in December. +Barbara did not want her, self-absorbed, and unwearingly considering how +to cut down more and yet more expenses. + +Alex had made up her mind to go and live alone. She would prove to them +that she could do it, though they thought fifty pounds a year was so +little money. She thought vaguely that perhaps she could earn something. + +But she gave no hint of her plans to any one, knowing that Violet would +be remonstrant and Cedric derisive. + +Obsessed by this new idea, she said good-bye to them with a sort of +furtive eagerness, and found herself alone in the house in Clevedon +Square. + +At first the quiet and the solitude were pleasant to her. She crept +round the big, empty house like a spirit, feeling as though it presented +a more familiar aspect with its shrouded furniture and carefully shaded +windows, and the absence of most of Violet's expensive silver and china +ornaments. The library, which was always kept open for her, was one of +the least changed rooms in the house, and she spent hours crouched upon +the sofa there, only rousing herself to go to the solitary meals which +were punctiliously laid out for her in the big dining-room. + +Presently she began to wonder if the elderly upper-housemaid, Ellen, +left in charge, resented her being there. She supposed that the presence +of some one who never went out, for whom meals had to be provided, who +must be called in the morning and supplied with hot water four times a +day, would interfere with the liberty of Ellen and the unseen tweeny +who, no doubt, cooked for them. They would be glad when she went away. +Never mind, she would go very soon. Alex felt that she was only waiting +for something to happen which should give her the necessary impetus to +carry out her vague design of finding a new, independent foothold for +herself. + +A drowsy week of very hot weather slipped by, and then one morning Alex +received three letters. + +Cedric's, short but affectionate, told her that Violet had reached +Scotland tired out, and had been ordered by the doctor to undergo +something as nearly approaching a rest-cure as possible. She was to stay +in bed all the morning, sit in the garden when it was fine, and do +nothing. She was to write no letters, but she sent Alex her love and +looked forward to hearing from her. Cedric added briefly that Alex was +not to be at all anxious. Violet only needed quiet and country air, and +no worries. She was looking better already. + +Alex put the letter down reflectively. Evidently Cedric did not want his +wife disturbed by depressing correspondence, and she did not mean to +write to Violet of her new resolution. She even thought that perhaps she +would continue to let Violet believe her at Clevedon Square or with +Barbara. + +Her second letter was from Barbara. It was quite a long letter, and said +that Barbara had decided to leave Ada at a convalescent home and take +her own much-needed summer holiday abroad. Would Alex join her in a +week's time? + +"What do you think of some little, cheap seaside hole in Brittany, which +we could do for very little? I wish I could have you as my guest, dear, +but you'll understand that all the disinfecting of the house has cost +money, besides forcing me to go away, which I hadn't meant to do. +However, I'm sure I need the change, and I dare say it won't do you any +harm either. We ought to do the whole thing for about fifteen pounds +each, I think, which, I suppose, will be all right for you? Do ring me +up tonight, and let's exchange views. I shan't be free of a suspicion as +to these wretched measles till next week, but I don't think really +there's much danger, as I've had them already and am not in the least +nervous. Ring up between seven and eight tonight. I suppose Violet, as +usual, has kept on the telephone, even though they're away themselves?" + +Alex knew that she did not want to go abroad with Barbara. She nervously +picked up her third letter, which bore a foreign post-mark. When she had +read the sheet of thin paper which was all the envelope contained, she +sat for a long while staring at it. + +The nuns in Rome, with whom she had spent the few weeks previous to her +return to England, had sent in their account for her board and lodging, +for the few clothes she had purchased, and for the advance made her for +her travelling expenses. The sum total, in francs, looked enormous. + +At last Alex, trembling, managed to arrive at the approximate amount in +English money. + +Twenty pounds. + +It seemed to her exorbitant, and she realized, with fresh dismay, that +she had never taken such a debt into consideration at all. How could she +tell Cedric? + +She thought how angry he would be at her strange omission in never +mentioning it to him before, and how impossible it would be to explain +to him that she had, as usual, left all practical issues out of account. +Suddenly Alex remembered with enormous relief that twenty-five pounds +lay to her credit at the bank. She had received her new cheque-book only +two days ago. She would go to the bank today and make them show her how +she could send the money to Italy. + +Then Cedric and Violet need never know. They need never blame her. + +Full of relief, Alex took the cheque-book that morning to the bank. She +did not like having to display her ignorance, but she showed the bill to +the clerk, who was civil and helpful, and showed her how very simple a +matter it was to draw a cheque for twenty pounds odd. When it was done, +and safely posted, Alex trembled with thankfulness. It seemed to her +that it would have been a terrible thing for Cedric to know of the +expenses she had so ignorantly incurred, and of her incredible +simplicity in never having realized them before, and she was glad that +he need never know how almost the whole of her half-year's allowance of +money had vanished so soon after she had received it. + +She telephoned to Barbara that night, and said that she could not go +abroad with her. + +"Oh, very well, my dear, if you think it wiser not. Of course, if you +don't _mind_ London at this time of year, it's a tremendous economy to +stay where you are.... Are the servants looking after you properly?" + +"Oh, yes." + +"Well, do just as you like, of course. I think I shall get hold of some +friend to join forces with me, if you're sure you won't come...." + +"Quite sure, Barbara," said Alex tremulously. She felt less afraid of +her sister at the other end of the telephone. + +She went and saw Barbara off the following week, and Barbara said +carelessly: + +"Good-bye, Alex. You look a shade better, I think. On the whole you're +wiser to stay where you are--I'm sure you need quiet, and when once the +rush begins for Pam's wedding, you'll never get a minute's peace. Are +you staying on when they get back?" + +"I'm not sure," faltered Alex. + +"You may be wise. Well, come down to my part of the world if you want +economy--and to feel as though you were out of London. Good-bye, dear." + +Alex was surprised, and rather consoled, to hear Barbara alluding so +lightly to the possibility of her seeking fresh quarters for herself. +Perhaps, after all, they all thought it would be the best thing for her +to do. Perhaps there was no need to feel guilty and as though her +intentions must be concealed. + +But Alex, dreading blame or disapproval, or even assurances that the +scheme was unpractical and foolish, continued to conceal it. + +She wrote and told Violet that she had decided that it would be too +expensive to go abroad with Barbara. Might she stay on in Clevedon +Square for a little while? + +But she had secretly made up her mind to go and look for rooms or a +boarding-house in Hampstead, as Barbara had suggested. As usual, it was +only by chance that Alex realized the practical difficulties blocking +her way. + +She had now only five pounds. + +On the following Saturday afternoon she found her way out by omnibus to +Hampstead. She alighted before the terminus was reached, from a nervous +dread of being taken on too far, although the streets in which she found +herself were not prepossessing. + +For the first time Alex reflected that she had no definite idea as to +where she wanted to go in her search for lodgings. She walked timidly +along the road, which appeared to be interminably long and full of +second-hand furniture shops. Bamboo tables, and armchairs with defective +castors, were put out on the pavement in many instances, and there was +often a small crowd in front of the window gazing at the cheaply-framed +coloured supplements hung up within. The pavements and the road, even +the tram-lines, swarmed with untidy, clamouring children. + +Alex supposed that she must be in the region vaguely known to her as the +slums. + +Surely she could not live here? + +Then the recollection of her solitary five pounds came to her with a +pang of alarm. + +Of course, she must live wherever she could do so most cheaply. She had +no idea of what it would cost. + +It was very hot, and the pavement began to burn her feet. She did not +dare to leave the main road, fearing that she should never find her way +to the 'bus route again, if once she left it, but she peeped down one or +two side-streets. They seemed quieter than Malden Road, but the +unpretentious little grey houses did not look as though lodgers were +expected in any of them. Alex wondered desperately how she was to find +out. + +Presently she saw a policeman on the further side of the street. + +She went up to him and asked: + +"Can you tell me of anywhere near here where they let rooms--somewhere +cheap?" + +The man looked down at her white, exhausted face, and at the well-cut +coat and skirt chosen by Barbara, which yet hung loosely and badly on +her stooping, shrunken figure. + +"Somebody's poor relation," was his unspoken comment. + +"Is it for yourself, Miss? You'd hardly care to be in this +neighbourhood, would you?" + +"I want to be somewhere near Hampstead--and somewhere very, very cheap," +Alex faltered, thinking of her five pounds, which lay at that moment in +the purse she was clasping. + +"Well, you'll find as cheap here as anywhere, if you don't mind the +noise." + +"Oh, no," said Alex--who had never slept within the sound of +traffic--surprised. + +"Then if I was you, Miss, I'd try No. 252 Malden Road--just beyond the +_Gipsy Queen_, that is, or else two doors further up. I saw cards up in +both windows with 'apartments' inside the last week." + +"Thank you," said Alex. + +She wished that Malden Road had looked more like Downshire Hill, which +had trees and little tiny gardens in front of the houses, which almost +all resembled country cottages. But no doubt houses in Downshire Hill +did not let rooms, or if so they must be too expensive. Besides, Alex +felt almost sure that Barbara would not want her as a very near +neighbour. + +She was very tired when she reached No. 252, and almost felt that she +would take the rooms, whatever they were like, to save herself further +search. After all, she could change later on, if she did not like them. + +Like all weak people, Alex felt the urgent necessity of acting as +quickly as possible on her own impulses. + +She looked distastefully at the dingy house, with its paint cracking +into hard flakes, and raised the knocker slowly. A jagged end of +protruding wire at the side of the door proclaimed that the bell was +broken. + +Her timid knock was answered by a slatternly-looking young woman wearing +an apron, whom Alex took to be the servant. + +"Can I see the--the landlady?" + +"Is it about a room? I'm Mrs. 'Oxton." She spoke in the harshest +possible Cockney, but quite pleasantly. + +"Oh," said Alex, still uncertain. "Yes, I want rooms, please." + +The woman looked her swiftly up and down. "Only one bed-sittin'-room +vacant, Miss, and that's at the top of the 'ouse. Would you care to see +that?" + +"Yes, please." + +Mrs. Hoxton slammed the door and preceded Alex up a narrow staircase, +carpeted with oil-cloth. On the third floor she threw open the door of a +room considerably smaller than the bath-room at Clevedon Square, +containing a low iron bed, and an iron tripod bearing an enamel basin, a +chipped pitcher and a very small towel-rail. A looking-glass framed in +mottled yellow plush was hung crookedly on the wall, and beneath it +stood a wooden kitchen chair. There was a little table with two drawers +in it behind the door. + +Alex looked round her with bewilderment. A convent cell was no smaller +than this, and presented a greater aspect of space from its bareness. + +"Is there a sitting-room?" she inquired. + +"Not separate to this--no, Miss. Bed-sitting-room, this is called. +Small, but then I suppose you'd be out all day." + +For a moment Alex wondered why. + +"But meals?" she asked feebly. + +"Would it be more than just the breakfast and supper, and three meals on +Sunday?" + +Alex did not know what to answer, and Mrs. Hoxton surveyed her. + +"Where are you working, Miss? Anywhere near?" + +"I'm not working anywhere--yet." + +Mrs. Hoxton's manner changed a little. + +"If you want two rooms, Miss, and full board, I could accommodate you +downstairs. The price is according, of course--a week in advance, and +pay by the week." + +Alex followed the woman downstairs again. She was sure that this was not +the kind of place where she wanted to live. + +Mrs. Hoxton showed her into a larger bedroom on the first floor, just +opening the door and giving Alex a glimpse of extreme untidiness and an +unmade bed. + +"My gentleman got up late today--he don't go to 'is job Saturdays, so I +'aven't put the room to rights yet. But it's a nice room, Miss, and will +be vacant on Monday. It goes with the downstairs sitting-room in the +front, as a rule, but that's 'ad to be turned into a bedroom just +lately. I've been so crowded." + +"Will that be empty on Monday, too?" asked Alex, for the sake of +answering something. + +"Tonight, Miss. I let a coloured gentleman 'ave it--a student, you know; +a thing I've never done before, either. Other people don't like it, and +it gives a name, like, for not being particular who one takes. So he's +going, and I shan't be sorry. I don't 'old with making talk, and it +isn't as though the room wouldn't let easy. It's a beautiful room, +Miss." + +The coloured gentleman's room was tidier than the one upstairs, but a +haze of stale tobacco fumes hung round it and obscured Alex' view of a +short leather sofa with horsehair breaking from it in patches, a small +round table in the middle of the room, and a tightly-closed window +looking on to the traffic of Malden Road. + +"About terms, Miss," Mrs. Hoxton began suggestively in the passage. + +"Oh, I couldn't afford much," Alex began, thinking that it was more +difficult than she had supposed to walk out again saying that she did +not, after all, want the rooms. + +"I'd let you 'ave those two rooms, and full board, for two-ten a week!" +cried the landlady. + +"Oh, I don't think--" + +Mrs. Hoxton shrugged her shoulders, looked at the ceiling and said +resignedly: + +"Then I suppose we must call it two guineas, though I ought to ask +double. But you can come in right away on Monday, Miss, and I think +you'll find it all comfortable." + +"But--" said Alex faintly. + +She felt very tired, and the thought of a further search for lodgings +wearied her and almost frightened her. Besides, the policeman had told +her that this was a cheap neighbourhood. Perhaps anywhere else they +would charge much more. Finally she temporized feebly with the +reflection that it need only be for a week--once the step of leaving +Clevedon Square had been definitely taken, she could feel herself free +to find a more congenial habitation at her leisure, and when she might +feel less desperately tired. She sighed, as she followed the line of +least resistance. + +"Well, I'll come on Monday, then." + +"Yes, Miss," the landlady answered promptly. "May I have your name, +Miss?--and the first week in advance my rule, as I think I mentioned." + +"My name is Miss Clare." + +Alex took two sovereigns and two shillings, fumbling, out of her purse +and handed them to the woman. It did not occur to her to ask for any +form of receipt. + +"Will you be wanting anything on Monday, Miss?" + +Alex looked uncomprehending, and the woman eyed her with scarcely veiled +contempt and added, "Supper, or anything?" + +"Oh--yes. I'd better come in time for dinner--for supper, I mean." + +"Yes, Miss. Seven o'clock will do you, I suppose?" + +Alex thought it sounded very early, but she did not feel that she cared +at all, and said that seven would do quite well. + +She wondered if there were any questions which she ought to ask, but +could think of none, and she was rather afraid of the strident-voiced, +hard-faced woman. + +But Mrs. Hoxton seemed to be quite satisfied, and pulled open the door +as though it was obvious that the interview had come to an end. + +"Good afternoon," said Alex. + +"Afternoon," answered the landlady, as she slammed the door again, +almost before Alex was on the pavement of Malden Road. She went away +with a strangely sinking heart. To what had she committed herself? + +All the arguments which Alex had been brooding over seemed to crumble +away from her now that she had taken definite action. + +She repeated to herself again that Violet and Cedric did not want her, +that Barbara did not want her, that there was no place for her anywhere, +and that it was best for her to make her own arrangements and spare them +all the necessity of viewing her in the light of a problem. + +But what would Cedric say to Malden Road? Inwardly Alex resolved that he +must never come there. If she said "Hampstead" he would think that she +was somewhere close to Barbara's pretty little house. + +But Barbara? + +Alex sank, utterly jaded, into the vacant space in a crowded omnibus. It +was full outside, and the atmosphere of heat and humanity inside made +her feel giddy. Arguments, self-justification and sick apprehensions, +surged in chaotic bewilderment through her mind. + + + + +XXVII + +The Embezzlement + + +Alex, full of unreasoning panic, made her move to Malden Road. + +She was afraid of the servants in Clevedon Square, all of them new since +she had left England, and only told Ellen, with ill-concealed confusion, +that she was leaving London for the present. She was unaccountably +relieved when Ellen only said, impassively, "Very good, Miss," and +packed her slender belongings without comment or question. + +Suddenly she remembered the cheque which Cedric had given her for the +servants. She looked at it doubtfully. Her own money was already almost +exhausted, thanks to that unexpected claim from the convent in Rome, and +Alex supposed that the sum still in her purse, amounting to rather less +than three pounds, would only last her for about a fortnight in Malden +Road. She decided, with no sense of doubt, that she had better keep +Cedric's cheque. It was only a little sum to him, and he would send +money for the servants. He had said that he was ready to advance money +to his sister. Characteristically, Alex dismissed the matter from her +mind as unimportant. She had never learnt any accepted code in dealings +with money, and her own instinct led her to believe it an unessential +question. She judged only from her own feelings, which would have +remained quite unstirred by any emotions but those the most +matter-of-fact at any claim, direct or indirect, justifiable or not, +upon her purse. + +She had never learnt the rudiments of pride, or of straight-dealing in +questions of finance. But in Malden Road Alex was, after all, to learn +many things. + +There were material considerations equally unknown to Clevedon Square +and to the austere but systematic doling-out of convent necessities, +which were brought home to her with a startled sense of dismay from her +first evening at 252. She had never thought of bringing soap with her, +or boxes of matches, yet these commodities did not appear as a matter of +course, as they had always done elsewhere. There was gas in both the +rooms, but there were no candles. There was no hot water. + +"You can boil your own kettle on the gas-ring on the landing," Mrs. +Hoxton said indifferently, and left her new lodger to the realization +that the purchase of a kettle had never occurred to her at all. + +Buying the kettle, and a supply of candles and matches and soap, left +her with only just enough money in hand for her second week's rent, and +when she wanted notepaper and ink and stamps to write to Barbara, Alex +decided that she must appropriate Cedric's cheque for the servants' +wages to her own uses. She felt hardly any qualms. + +This wasn't like that bill from Rome, which she would have been afraid +to let him see. He would have talked about the dishonesty of convents, +and asked why she had not told him sooner of their charges against her, +and have looked at her with that almost incredulous expression of amazed +disgust had she admitted her entire oblivion of the whole consideration. + +But this cheque for the servants. + +It would enable her to pay her own expenses until she could get the work +which she still vaguely anticipated, and the sum meant nothing to +Cedric. She would write and tell him that she had cashed the money, sure +that he would not mind, in fulfilment of his many requests to her to +look upon him as her banker. + +But she did not write, though she cashed the cheque. The days slipped by +in a sort of monotonous discomfort, but it was very hot, and she learnt +to find her way to Hampstead Heath, where she could sit for hours, not +reading, for she had no books, but brooding in a sort of despairing +resignation over the past and the nightmare-seeming present. The +conviction remained with her ineradicably that the whole thing was a +dream--that she would wake up again to the London of the middle +'nineties and find herself a young girl again, healthy and eager, and +troubling Lady Isabel, and, more remotely, Sir Francis, with her modern +exigencies and demands to live her own life, the war-cry of those +clamorous 'eighties and 'nineties, of which the young new century had so +easily reaped the harvest. She could not bring herself to believe that +her own life had been lived, and that only this was left. + +Alex sometimes felt that she was not alive at all--that she was only a +shade moving amongst the living, unable to get into real communication +with any of them. + +She did not think of the future. There was no future for her. There was +only an irrevocable past and a sordid, yet dream-like present, that +clung round her spirit as a damp mist might have clung round her person, +intangible and yet penetrating and all-pervading, hampering and stifling +her. + +The modicum of physical strength which she had regained in Clevedon +Square was ebbing imperceptibly from her. It was difficult to sleep very +well in Malden Road, where the trams and the omnibuses passed in +incessant, jerking succession, and the children screamed in the road +late at nights and incredibly early in the mornings. The food was +neither good nor well prepared, but Alex ate little in the heat, and +reflected that it was an economy not to be hungry. + +The need for economy was being gradually borne in upon her, as her small +stock of money diminished and there came nothing to replace it. +Presently she exerted herself to find a registry office, where she gave +her name and address, and was contemptuously and suspiciously eyed by an +old lady with dyed red hair who sat at a writing-table, and asked her a +fee of half-a-crown for entering her name in a ledger. + +"No diplomas and no certificate won't take you far in teaching +now-a-days," she said unpleasantly. "Languages?" + +"French quite well and a little Italian. Enough to give conversation +lessons," Alex faltered. + +"No demand for 'em whatever. I'll let you know, but don't expect +anything to turn up, especially at this time of year, with every one out +of town." + +But by a miraculous stroke of fortune something did turn up. The woman +from the registry office sent Alex a laconic postcard, giving her the +address of "a lady singer in Camden Town" who was willing to pay two +shillings an hour in return for sufficient instruction in Italian to +enable her to sing Italian songs. + +Elated, Alex looked out the conversation manual of her convent days, and +at three o'clock set out to find the address in Camden Town. + +She discovered it with difficulty, and arrived late. The appointed hour +had been half-past three. + +Shown into a small sitting-room, crowded with furniture and plastered +with signed photographs, she sank, breathless and heated, into a chair, +and waited. + +The lady singer, when she came, was irate at the delay. Her manner +frightened Alex, who acquiesced in bewildered humiliation to a +stipulation that only half-fees must be charged for the curtailed hour. +She gave her lesson badly, imparting information with a hesitation that +even to her own ears sounded as though she were uncertain of her facts. +However, her pupil ungraciously drew out a shilling from a small +chain-purse and gave it to Alex when she left, and she bade her come +again in three days' time. + +The lessons went on for three weeks. They tired Alex strangely, but she +felt glad that she could earn money, however little; and although the +shillings went almost at once in small necessities which she had somehow +never foreseen, it was not until the middle of September that she began +once more to reach the end of her resources. + +Just as she had decided that it would be necessary for her to write to +Cedric, she received a letter from him, forwarded from her bank. + +Alex turned white as she read it. + + "MY DEAR ALEX, + + "I am altogether at a loss to understand why Ellen (the + upper-housemaid at home) writes to Violet on Friday last, Sept. 12, + that you have left Clevedon Square, and that she and the other + servant have not yet received the money for their board and wages. + This last I take to be an oversight on your part, but you will + doubtless put it right at once, since you will remember that I + handed you a cheque for that purpose just before leaving London. As + to your own movements, I need hardly say, my dear Alex, that I do + not claim to have any sort of authority over them of whatever kind, + but both Violet and I cannot help feeling that it would have been + more friendly, to say the least of it, had you given us some hint + as to your intentions. Knowing that Barbara is already abroad, and + Pamela with her friends yachting, I can only hope that you have + received some unforeseen invitation which appealed to you more than + the prospect of solitude in Clevedon Square. It would have been + desirable had you left your address with the servants, but I + presume the matter escaped your memory, as they appear to be + completely in the dark as to your movements. + + "Violet is looking quite herself again, and sends many affectionate + messages. She will doubtless write to you on receipt of a few lines + giving her your address. I am compelled to send this letter through + the care of Messrs. Williams, which you will agree with me is an + unnecessarily elaborate method of communication. + + "Your affectionate brother, + + "CEDRIC CLARE." + +Alex was carried back through the years to the sense of remorse and +bewilderment with which she had listened to the measured, irrefutable +condemnations, expressed with the same unerring precision, of Sir +Francis Clare. She realized herself again, sick with crying and cold +with terror, standing shaking before his relentless justice, knowing +herself to be again, for ever and hopelessly, in the wrong. She would +never be anything else. + +She knew it now. + +Her sense of honour, of truth and justice, was perverted--in direct +disaccord with that of the world. What would her brother say to her +misuse of the money that he had entrusted to her? Alex knew now, with +sudden, terrifying certainty how he would view the transaction which had +seemed to her so simple an expedient. She knew that even were she able +to make the almost incredible plea of a sudden temptation, a desperate +need of money, that had led her voluntarily to commit an act of +dishonesty, it would stand her in better stead than a mere statement of +the terrible truth--that no voice within her had told her of dishonour, +that she had--outrageous paradox!--committed an act of dishonesty in +good faith. + +To Cedric, the lack in her would seem so utterly perverted, so +incomprehensible, that there would appear to be no possibility of that +forgiveness which, as a Christian, he could consciously have extended to +any wilful breaking of the law. But there would be no question of +forgiveness for this. It was not the money, Alex knew that. It was her +own extraordinary moral deficiency that put her outside the pale. + +Perhaps, thought Alex drearily, this was how criminals always felt. They +did the things for which they were punished because of some flaw in +their mental outlook--they didn't see that the things mattered, until it +was too late. They had to be saved from themselves by punishment or +removal, or sometimes by death; and for the protection of the rest of +the community, too, it was necessary to penalize those who could not or +would not conform to the standard. Alex saw it all. + +But dimly, involuntarily almost, an echo from her childhood's days came +back to her, vaguely formulated into words: + +"_Always take the part of the people in the wrong--they need it most._" + +The only conviction to which she could lay claim was somehow embodied in +that sentiment. + + + + +XXVIII + +Cedric + + +She wrote to Cedric, the sense of having put herself irrevocably in the +wrong by her own act making her explanation into an utterly bald, +lifeless statement of fact. She felt entirely unable to enter into any +analysis of her folly, and besides, it would have been of no use. Facts +were facts. She had taken Cedric's money, which he had given her for one +purpose, and used it for another. There had not even been any violent +struggle with temptation to palliate the act. + +Alex felt a sort of dazed stupefaction at herself. + +She was bad, she told herself, bad all through, and this was how bad +people felt. Sick with disappointment, and utterly unavailing remorse, +knowing all the time that there was no strength in them ever to resist +any temptation, however base. + +She wondered if there was a hell, as the convent teaching had so +definitely told her. If so, Alex shudderingly contemplated her doom. But +she prayed desperately that there might be nothing after death but utter +oblivion. It was then that the thought of death first came to her, not +with the wild, impotent longing of her days of struggle, but with an +insidious suggestion of rest and escape. + +She played with the idea, but for the most part her faculties were +absorbed in the increasing strain of waiting for Cedric's reply to her +confession. + +It came in the shape of a telegram. + +"Shall be in London Wednesday 24th. Will you lunch Clevedon Square 1.30. +Reply paid." + +Alex felt an unreasonable relief, both at the postponement of an +immediate crisis, and at the reflection that, at all events, Cedric did +not mean to come to Malden Road. She did not want him to see those +strange, sordid surroundings to which she had fled from the shelter of +her old home. + +Alex telegraphed an affirmative reply to her brother, and waited in +growing apathy for the interview, which she could now only dread in +theory. Her sense of feeling seemed numbed at last. + +Something of the old terror, however, revived when she confronted Cedric +again in the library. He greeted her with a sort of kindly seriousness, +under which she wonderingly detected a certain nervousness. During lunch +they spoke of Violet, of the shooting that Cedric had been enjoying in +Scotland. The slight shade of pomposity which recalled Sir Francis was +always discernible in all Cedric's kindly courtesy as host. After lunch +he rather ceremoniously ushered his sister into the library again. + +"Sit down, my dear you look tired. You don't smoke, I know. D'you mind +if I--?" + +He drew at his pipe once or twice, then carefully rammed the tobacco +more tightly into the bowl with a nicotine-stained finger. Still gazing +at the wedged black mass, he said in a voice of careful unconcern: + +"About this move of yours, Alex. Violet and I couldn't altogether +understand--That's really what brought me down, and the question of that +cheque I gave you for the servants. I couldn't quite make out your +letter--" + +He paused, as though to give her an opportunity for speech, still +looking away from her. But Alex remained silent, in a sort of paralysis. + +"Suppose we take one question at a time," suggested Cedric pleasantly. +"The cheque affair is, of course, a very small one, and quite easily +cleared up. One only has to be scrupulous in money matters because they +_are_ money matters--you know father's way of thinking, and I must say I +entirely share it." + +There was no need to tell Alex so. + +"Have you got the cheque with you, Alex?" + +"No," said Alex at last. "Didn't you understand my letter, then?" + +Cedric's spectacles began to tap slowly against the back of his left +hand, held in the loose grasp of his right. + +"You--er--cashed that cheque?" + +"Yes." + +Alex felt as though she were being put to the torture of the +Inquisition, but was utterly unable to do more than reply in +monosyllables to Cedric's level, judicial questions. + +"May I ask to what purpose you applied the money?" + +"Cedric, it's not fair!" broke from Alex. "I've written and told you +what I did--I needed money, and I--I thought you wouldn't mind. I used +it for myself--and I meant to write and tell you--" + +"You thought I wouldn't mind!" repeated Cedric in tones of stupefaction. + +"You said you would advance me money--I knew you could write another +cheque for the servants' wages. I--I didn't think of your minding." + +"Mind!" said Cedric again, with reiteration worthy of his nursery days. +"My dear girl, you don't suppose it's the money I mind, do you?" + +"No, no--I ought to have asked you first--but I didn't think--it seemed +a natural thing to do--" + +"Good Lord, Alex!" cried Cedric, more moved than she had ever seen him. +"Do you understand what you're saying? A natural thing to do to +_embezzle money_?" + +Tears of terror and of utter bewilderment seized on Alex' enfeebled +powers, and deprived her of utterance. + +Cedric began to pace the library, speaking rapidly and without looking +at her. + +"If you'd only written and told me what you'd done at once--though +Heaven knows that would have been bad enough but to do a thing like that +and then let it rest! Didn't you know that it _must_ be found out sooner +or later?" + +He cast a fleeting glance at Alex, who sat with the tears pouring down +her quivering face, but she said nothing. It was of no use to explain to +Cedric that she had never thought of not being found out. She had meant +no concealment. She had thought her action so simple a one that it had +hardly needed explanation or justification. It had merely been not worth +while to write. + +Cedric's voice went on, gradually gaining in power as the agitation that +had shaken him subsided under his own fluency. + +"You know that it's a prosecutable offence, Alex? Of course, there's no +question of such a thing, but to trade on that certainty--" + +Alex made an inarticulate sound. + +"Violet says of course you didn't know what you were doing. That +wretched place--that convent--has played havoc with you altogether. When +I think of those people--!" Cedric's face darkened. "But hang it, Alex, +you were brought up like the rest of us. And on a question of +honour--think of father!" + +Alex had stopped crying. She was about to make her last stand, with the +last strength that in her lay. + +"Cedric--listen to me. You must! You don't understand. I didn't look at +it from your point of view--I didn't see it like that. There's something +wrong with me--there must be--but it didn't seem to me to matter. I know +you won't believe me--but I thought the money was quite a little, +unimportant thing, and that you'd understand, and say I'd done right to +take it for granted that I might have it." + +"But it's _not_ the money!" groaned Cedric. "Though what on earth you +wanted it for, when you had no expenses and your allowance just paid +in--But that's not the point. Can't you see, Alex? It's not this +wretched cheque in itself; it's the principle of the thing." + +Alex gazed at him quite hopelessly. The flickering spark of spirit died +out and left her soul in darkness. + +Cedric faced her. + +"I couldn't believe that your letter really meant what it seemed to +mean," he said slowly; "but if it does--as on your own showing it +does--then I understand your leaving us, needless to say. Where are you +living--what is this place, Malden Road?" + +Characteristically, he drew out her letter, and referred to the address +carefully. + +"Where is Malden Road?" + +"In Hampstead--near Barbara." + +"Are you in rooms?" + +"Yes." + +"How did you find them? Who recommended them?" + +She made no answer, and Cedric gazed at her with an expression of +half-angry, half-compassionate perplexity. + +"You are entitled to keep your own counsel, of course, and to make your +own arrangements, but I must say, Alex, that the thought of you disturbs +me very much. Your whole position is unusual--and your attitude makes it +almost impossible to--" He broke off. "Violet begged me--quite +unnecessarily, but you know what she is--not to let you feel as though +there were any estrangement--to say that whatever arrangement you +preferred should be made. Of course, Pamela's marriage will add to your +resources--you understand that? She is marrying an extremely wealthy +man, and I shall have not the slightest hesitation in allowing her to +make over her share of father's money to you as soon as it can be +arranged. She wishes it herself." + +He paused, as though for some expression of gratitude from Alex, but she +made none. Pam had everything, and now she was to have the credit and +pleasure of a generosity which would cost her nothing as well. Alex +maintained a bitter silence. + +"The obvious course is for you to join Barbara, paying your half of +expenses, as you will now be enabled to do." + +"Barbara doesn't want me." + +"It is the natural arrangement," repeated Cedric inflexibly. "And I must +add, Alex, that you seem to me to be terribly unfitted to manage your +own life in any way. If what you have told me is the case, I can only +infer that your moral sense is completely perverted. I couldn't have +believed it of one of us--of one of my father's children." + +Alex knew that the bed-rock of Cedric's character was reached. She had +come to the point where, for Cedric, right and wrong began and +ended--honour. + +They would never get any nearer to one another now. The fundamental +principle which governed life for Cedric was deficient in Alex. + +She got up slowly and began to pull on her shabby gloves. + +"Will you forgive me, Cedric?" she half sobbed. + +"It isn't a question of forgiveness. Of course I will. But if you'd only +asked me for that wretched money, Alex! What you did was to embezzle--it +neither more nor less. Oh, good Lord!" + +He looked at her with fresh despair and then rang the bell. + +"You're going to have a taxi," he told her authoritatively. "You're not +fit to go any other way. Alex, my dear, I'd give my right hand for this +not to have happened--for Heaven's sake come to me if you want anything. +How much shall I give you now?" + +He unlocked the writing-table drawer agitatedly. Alex thought to herself +hysterically, "He thinks I may _steal_ money, perhaps, from somebody +else, if I want it, and _perhaps I should_." And with a sense of +degradation that made her feel physically sick, she put into her purse +the gold and the pile of silver that he pushed into her hand. + +Cedric straightened himself, and taking off his glasses, wiped them +carefully. + +"Write to me, Alex, and let me know What you want to do. Barbara will be +back soon--you _must_ go to her--at any rate for a time--till after +Pamela's wedding. You know that's fixed for December now? And, my dear, +for Heaven's sake let's forget this ghastly business. No one on this +earth but you and I and Violet need ever know of it." + +"No," said Alex. + +She looked at him with despair invading her whole being. + +"Good-bye, Cedric. You've been very, very kind to me." + +"The taxi is at the door, sir." + +"Thank you." + +Cedric took his sister into the hall, and she gave a curious, fleeting +glance round her at the familiar surroundings, and at the broad +staircase where the Clare children had run up and down and played and +quarrelled together, in that other existence. + +"Good-bye, dear. Write your plans, and come and see us as soon as we get +back. It won't be more than a week or two now." + +Cedric put her into the waiting taxi, and stood on the steps looking +after her as the cab turned out of Clevedon Square. And Alex, crouched +into a corner of the swiftly-moving taxi, knew herself capable of any +treachery, any moral infamy to which she might be tempted, since Cedric +had been right when he said that her sense of honour, of fundamental +rectitude, was completely perverted. + + + + +XXIX + +Forgiveness + + +The weather broke suddenly, and it became cold and rainy. For two or +three days Alex sat in her sitting-room at Malden Road and heard the +trams and the omnibuses clash past, and the children screaming to one +another in the street. She could hardly have said when she had first +realized that it was impossible for her to go on living. But the +determination, now that it was there, full-grown, had brought with it a +sense of utter finality. + +For two or three days she felt stunned, and yet driven by a desperate +feeling that it was necessary for her to think, to make a plan. But she +could not think. + +Then one evening Mrs. Hoxton, the landlady, said to her curiously: + +"Wouldn't you like a fire, tonight?" She seldom said "Miss" in speaking +to Alex. "It's so chilly, all of a sudden, and you look ill, really, +now, you do." + +Alex felt rather surprised. Perhaps she was ill, which would account for +the impossibility of consecutive thought. A fire would be very nice. She +shivered involuntarily, looking at her little empty grate crammed with +cut paper. She remembered that there was no need to consider expense any +more. + +"Yes, I'd like a fire, please," she said gently. And that evening she +sat close to the pleasant blaze, flickering on the wall, and dimly +recalling to her the nursery at Clevedon Square in the old days, and the +power of thought came back to her. + +It was as though the warmth and companionship of the flames had suddenly +unsealed something frozen up within her, and she became more herself +than she had been for many months. With the horrible, pressing dread of +an unbearable present and an unimaginable future lifted from her heart, +Alex felt a pervading lucidity of thought, to which she had for years +been a stranger, take possession of her. She knew suddenly that she was, +for a little while, to regain faculties that had been atrophied within +her since the far, free days of her girlhood. She began to reflect. + +Why had life, to which she had looked forward so eagerly, with such +confident anticipation of some wonderful happiness, which should be in +proportion to the immense capacity for realizing it which she knew to +exist within her, have proved to be only a succession of defeats, of +receding hopes and of unfulfilled desires? + +Alex did not question that the fault lay with herself. From her baby +days, under the unvarnished plain speaking of old Nurse, she had known +herself to be the black sheep of every flock. And she had not sinned +splendidly, dramatically, either. Her sins had been those of petty +meanness, of shirking and evading, of small self-indulgences and +childish tyranny at the expense of others, of vulgar lies and +half-truths. + +Those sins which find little or no place in the decalogue, and which +stand lowest in the scale by which the opinion of others is meted out to +us. + +Those are the things which are not forgiven. That was it, Alex told +herself, with a feeling of having suddenly struck the keynote. +Forgiveness. + +Forgiveness was the key to everything. Alex, in the sudden surety of +vision that had come to her, did not doubt that her own interpretation +of the word was the right one. Forgiveness meant understanding--not +condemnation and subsequent pardon. It did not mean the bewildered, +scandalized, and yet regretful oblivion to which Cedric would consign +her memory and that of her many failings, it did not mean Barbara's +detached, indifferent kindness, carefully measured in terms of material +resources, nor Pamela's and Archie's good-natured patronage, +half-stifled in mirth, of which the very object was the gulf that +separated them from their sister. It did not even mean Violet's soft +pity and unresentful acceptance of facts that amazed her. Looking +further back, Alex knew that it did not mean either the serious, +perplexed pardon that Sir Francis had tendered to his troublesome +daughter, or Lady Isabel's half-complaining, half-affectionate +remonstrances. + +It did not in any way occur to her to blame them for a lack of which she +had all her life been subconsciously aware in all their forbearance. She +told herself, with a fresh sense of enlightenment, that they had not +understood because it was in none of them to have yielded to those +temptations which had beset and mastered her so easily. Measuring her +frailty by their own strength, they had only seen her utter failure in +resistance, and been shamed and grieved by it. Alex knew that in herself +was another standard of forgiveness; she could never condemn, for the +simple reason that she herself had failed, in every sense of the word. +Unresentfully, she was able to sum it all up, as it were, when she told +herself, "People who would have resisted temptation themselves, can't +understand those who fall--so they can't really forgive. But the bad +ones, who know that they have given way all along the line, know that +any temptation would have been too strong for them--it's only chance +whether it comes their way or not--so they can understand." + +She felt oddly contented, as at having reached a solution. + +Later on, her thoughts turned to the past again, and to the childish +days when she had been the leading spirit in the Clevedon Square +nursery. But the memory of that past, incredible, security and +assurance, made her begin to cry, and she wiped away blinding tears and +told herself that she must not give way to them. She did not at first +quite know why she must reserve the tiny modicum of strength still left +her, but presently she realized that the end which had become inevitable +could not be reached without decisive action of her own. + +Alex' logic was elementary, and its directness left her no loophole for +doubt. + +She could endure the plane of existence on which she found herself no +longer. If she fled in search of other conditions, it was with full +certainty that these could not be less tolerable than those from which +she was flying, and at the back of her mind was a strange, growing hope +that perhaps that forgiveness of which her mind was full, might be found +beyond the veil. + +"After all," thought Alex, "it's even chances. If religion is all true, +then I _must_ go to hell, whether I kill myself or not, and if it isn't, +then perhaps I shall just go out and know nothing more--ever--or perhaps +it will be really a new beginning, and there will be somebody or +something who will forgive me, and let me start over again." + +She began to feel rather excited, as though she were about to try an +experiment that might best be described as a gamble. + +Mrs. Hoxton, coming in with the small supper-tray, looked at her sharply +two or three times, and when she had gone away again, Alex, turning to +the glass, saw that her eyes were shining and looking enormously large +and wide-pupilled. + +"I believe I am happy tonight," she thought wonderingly. + +While she ate her supper she tried to make a plan, but the excitement +within her was growing steadily, and she could only think out eager +self-justification for her own decision. + +"It won't hurt any one else--nobody will mind. In fact, when they've got +over the first shock, it will be a relief to them all. They've been very +kind--Violet and Cedric--Violet most of all--but they haven't +understood. They'd have understood better if I'd been a bad woman--lived +with wicked men, or things like that. I suppose I should have done that +too, if it had come my way--but then I never had the temptation. I had +only little, mean, horrible temptations--and I didn't resist any of +them. The other sort of sin would have made me happier--it would have +meant a sort of success in a way--but I have been a failure at +everything--always." + +Her heart hammering against her side, Alex resolved that in this, her +last disgrace, she would not fail. + +Making no preparations, no written farewells, she rose presently and +went to her room, where she put on her thickest coat and tied a woollen +scarf over her head. + +Then she went out. + +It had stopped raining, and the air was soft and moist. It was a +starless night, and when Alex got to the Heath and away from the lighted +streets, it was very dark. Underneath her sense of adventure she was +conscious of terror--sheer physical terror--and also of the deeper dread +that her resolution might fail her. + +"I mustn't--I mustn't," she kept on muttering to herself. + +Then, as though reassuring somebody else, "But it's only like going for +a journey--to a quite new place where everything may be different and +much, much better ... or else to sleep, and never any waking up to +misery again.... Just one dreadful minute or two, perhaps, and then it +will all be over ... only a question of a little physical courage ... +not to struggle ... like taking gas ... much easier if one doesn't +struggle...." + +She was struck by a sudden thought and said aloud, triumphantly, as +though she were defeating by her inspiration some one who was urging +difficulties upon her: + +"I won't give myself any chances. I'll put big stones in my pocket and +tie my scarf over my mouth. That'll make it quicker, too." + +When she came to the part of the Heath where the water lay, Alex began +to stoop down and hunt for stones. She pounced on each one that seemed +larger than its fellows with a sense of pride at her own success, and +put them into the pockets of her coat. The moon appeared palely through +clouds and then disappeared again, but not before she had taken her +bearings. + +She was on one of the many wide bridges that span the long pools dotted +over the Heath--pools shelving at the sides with an effect of +shallowness and deepening suddenly in the middle. Alex threw an +indifferent glance at the dark water, and only felt annoyance that so +few stones should be loose upon the pathway, and none of them very large +ones. When her pockets were filled, she did not think the weight very +noticeable. + +Then came another evanescent gleam of moonlight, and Alex, still with +that sharpening of all her perceptions, noticed that there was a man's +figure at the far end of the bridge. He appeared to be stationary, +leaning on the parapet and gazing down at the almost invisible pond. + +She was conscious of vexation. His presence would surely interfere with +her scheme. + +For a moment she wondered, detachedly enough, whether she should go away +and come back the following evening. But the next instant she recoiled +from the thought, as though seeing in it the promptings of her own +weakness. + +"I am not frightened tonight--at least, hardly at all. If I wait I may +never feel like this again. I shall make a failure of it all, and that +would be worse than anything. I must do it tonight, while I'm not +frightened." + +She was not cold. Walking in her heavy coat had warmed her, and the +evening was mild as well as damp. So she waited quietly in the shadow, +hoping that the man would presently move away. + +The thought crossed her mind, with a certain humour, that the situation +held possibilities of romance. + +"If it were in a book, he would save me at the last minute and fall in +love with me and it would all end happily. Or he would see me now, and +perhaps speak to me, and he would understand all I told him, and +persuade me not to. Anyhow, it would all come right." + +She smiled in the darkness. + +"But that won't happen to _me_. There never was any one--and nobody +would love me now, especially when they knew all about me." She +remembered the haggard, distorted countenance that the looking-glass had +shown her--the great, starting eyes with discoloured circles beneath +them, and the blackened, prominent teeth, more salient than ever from +the thinness of her face. + +She could almost have laughed, without any conscious bitterness, at the +idea of any romance in connection with her present self. + +And yet the girl, Alex Clare, could have loved--had looked forward to +love and to happiness as her rights, just as Pamela Clare did now. + +But Pamela was different. Every one was--No! + +It was Alex that was different--that had always been different. + +She began to feel less warm, and shivered a little as she waited. + +It occurred to her, not with any sense of fear, but with vexation, that +her purpose would be far more difficult of achievement if she waited +until she was physically chilled. + +She looked up at the bridge again, and the figure was still there, at +the furthest end. Alex measured the length of the bridge with her eyes. + +It was doubtful if he would see her from the furthest end of it, but she +reflected matter-of-factly: + +"If I jump there will be the noise of a splash--and he might do +something--he would try to save me, I suppose--or run for help. It +wouldn't be safe. If he would _only_ go." + +She became irritated. With a sense of despair she determined to +circumvent the motionless, watchful figure. + +Moving very quietly and almost soundlessly over the soft muddy ground, +Alex made her way from the path to the bank, and further and further +down it till only a short declivity of shelving mud lay between her and +the water. + +She could feel the brambles catching in her thick coat as though pulling +her back, but she went on, cautiously and steadily. Once or twice she +pushed at the low, tangled bushes that impeded her progress, and paused +aghast at the rustling that ensued. But from the bridge above her there +came no sound. + +Within a few steps of the dark water, her feet already sinking +ankle-deep into the wet, spongy ground, she stopped. + +She realized with wondering joy that, after all, she was not very much +afraid. It was as though the self-confidence which had for so long +deserted her had come back now to carry her through the last need. + +She felt proud, because she knew that for this once she was not going to +fail. + +She talked to herself in a whisper: + +"This one time--just a few minutes when it may be very bad--but remember +that it can't last long, and then it'll all be over. And perhaps +there'll never be anything more afterwards--like being always asleep, +and no one need be vexed or disappointed any more. But perhaps--" + +She paused on the thought, and her heart began to beat faster with a +hopeful excitement such as she had not known for a very long while. + +"Perhaps it will be much better than one imagines possible. Perhaps +there'll be real forgiveness and understanding--and then my having done +this won't matter. Anyway, I shall know very soon, if only I'm brave +just for a few minutes." + +She drew a long breath, then, instinctively stretching her arms straight +out before her so as to balance herself, she began to move forward. + +The first unmistakable touch of the water round her feet made her gasp +and stifle a scream, but she waded on, encouraging herself in a low +murmur, as though speaking to a child: + +"It's only like going into the sea when one's bathing--pretend it's +that, then you won't be frightened. Just straight on--it will be over +quite soon--" + +She was moving, slowly, but without pause, her hands held out in front +of her, the ground still beneath her slipping feet, which felt oddly +weighted. Once she began to pull the woollen scarf over her mouth, but +with the sense of breathlessness came the beginning of panic, and she +tore it away again. + +"Go on--coward--coward," she urged herself. "Remember what it would mean +to make another muddle of this, and to fail." + +The cold invaded her body and her teeth began to chatter. + +For an instant she stood, surrounded by the silent water, cold and +terror and the weight of her now sodden clothing paralysing her, so that +she could move neither backwards to the shore nor forward into the +blackness in front of her. + +"I must," muttered Alex, and wrenched one foot desperately out of the +mud below. With the forward movement, she lost her balance, and her +hands clutched instinctively at the water's level. Then the clogging +bottom of the pond sheered away suddenly from beneath her, and there was +only water, dark and icy and rushing, above and below and all round her. + + + + +XXX + +Epitaph + + +They sat round, afterwards, in the Clevedon Square drawing-room--all the +people who had helped misguided, erring Alex, according to their lights, +or again, according to their limitations, and who had failed her so +completely in the ultimate essential. + +Pamela and her lover whispered together in the window. + +"After all, you know," hesitated the girl, "she had nothing much to live +for, poor Alex. She'd got out of touch with all of us--and she had no +one of her very own." + +"Not like us." + +His hand closed for an instant over hers. + +"There was no reason why she should not have come to us if--if she was +in money difficulties," reiterated Cedric uneasily. He consciously +refrained from adding "again." + +Violet was crying softly, lying back in the depths of a great arm-chair. + +"Poor Alex! I never guessed Malden Road was like that. Why _did_ she go +there? Oh, poor Alex!" + +"You were nicer to her than any of us, Violet," said Archie gruffly. +"She was awfully fond of you, wasn't she, and of the little kid?" + +Barbara, hard and self-contained, gazed round the familiar room. For a +moment it seemed to her that they were all children again, sent down +from the nursery by old Nurse, on Lady Isabel's "At Home" afternoon. + +Her eyes met those of Cedric, who had taken up his stand against the +mantelpiece, in his hand his glasses, which he was shaking with little, +judicial jerks. + +"Oh, Cedric," said Barbara with a sudden catch in her voice. + +"Don't you remember--Alex was such a _pretty_ little girl!" + + + London, 1917. + Bristol, 1918. + + + +THE END + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Consequences, by E. M. 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