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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch in Bohemia, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Mr. Punch in Bohemia
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: J. A. Hammerton
+
+Illustrator: Various
+
+Release Date: April 14, 2011 [EBook #35874]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH IN BOHEMIA ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, David Edwards and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  MR. PUNCH IN BOHEMIA
+
+  PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON
+
+Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the
+cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic
+draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its
+beginning in 1841 to the present day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH IN BOHEMIA
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SHAKSPEARE ILLUSTRATED
+
+        "Tedious as a twice-told tale,
+    Vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man."
+
+      _King John._ Act III., Sc. 4.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH IN BOHEMIA
+
+OR THE LIGHTER SIDE OF LITERARY, ARTISTIC AND PROFESSIONAL LIFE
+
+[Illustration]
+
+AS PICTURED BY
+
+PHIL MAY, CHARLES KEENE, GEORGE DU MAURIER, DUDLEY HARDY, FRED PEGRAM,
+F. H. TOWNSEND, LEWIS BAUMER, L. RAVEN-HILL, J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, E.
+T. REED, H. M. BROCK, C. E. BROCK, TOM BROWNE, GUNNING KING, HARRY
+FURNISS, A. WALLIS MILLS, G. L. STAMPA, AND OTHERS
+
+_156 ILLUSTRATIONS_
+
+PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH
+
+THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"
+
+THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+_Twenty-five Volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_
+
+LIFE IN LONDON
+
+COUNTRY LIFE
+
+IN THE HIGHLANDS
+
+SCOTTISH HUMOUR
+
+IRISH HUMOUR
+
+COCKNEY HUMOUR
+
+IN SOCIETY
+
+AFTER DINNER STORIES
+
+IN BOHEMIA
+
+AT THE PLAY
+
+MR. PUNCH AT HOME
+
+ON THE CONTINONG
+
+RAILWAY BOOK
+
+AT THE SEASIDE
+
+MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
+
+IN THE HUNTING FIELD
+
+MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
+
+WITH ROD AND GUN
+
+MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
+
+BOOK OF SPORTS
+
+GOLF STORIES
+
+IN WIG AND GOWN
+
+ON THE WARPATH
+
+BOOK OF LOVE
+
+WITH THE CHILDREN
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WAY TO BOHEMIA
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Time was when Bohemianism was synonymous with soiled linen and unkempt
+locks. But those days of the ragged Bohemia have happily passed away,
+and that land of unconventional life--which had finally grown
+conventional in its characteristics--has now become "a sphere of
+influence" of Modern Society! In a word, it is now respectable. There
+are those who firmly believe it has been wiped off the social map. The
+dress suit and the proprieties are thought by some to be incompatible
+with its existence. But it is not so; the new Bohemia is surely no less
+delightful than the old. The way to it is through the doors of almost
+any of the well-known literary and art clubs of London. Its inhabitants
+are our artists, our men of letters, our musicians, and, above all, our
+actors.
+
+In the present volume we are under the guidance of Mr. Punch, himself
+the very flower of London's Bohemia, into this land of light-hearted
+laughter and the free-and-easy manner of living. We shall follow him
+chiefly through the haunts of the knights of the pen and pencil, as we
+have another engagement to spend some agreeable hours with him in the
+theatrical and musical world. It should be noted, however, that we shall
+not be limited to what has been called "Upper Bohemia", but that we
+shall, thanks to his vast experience, be able to peep both at the old
+and new.
+
+Easily first amongst the artists who have depicted the humours of
+Bohemia is Phil May. Keene and Du Maurier run him close, but their
+Bohemia is on the whole more artistic, less breezily, raggedly, hungrily
+unconventional than his. It is a subject that has inspired him with some
+of his best jokes, and some of his finest drawings.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+MR. PUNCH IN BOHEMIA
+
+THE INVALID AUTHOR.--_Wife._ "Why, nurse is reading a book, darling! Who
+gave it her?" _Husband._ "_I_ did, my dear." _Wife._ "What book is it?"
+_Husband._ "It's my last." _Wife._ "Darling! When you _knew_ how
+important it is that _she shouldn't go to sleep_!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BOOKWORM'S OBSERVATION.--When a man has got turned of 70, he is in the
+appendix of life.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TABLE OF CONTENTS.--The dinner table.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE GRUB AND THE BUTTERFLY
+
+   I.
+
+"All right, sir. I'll just wash 'er face, sir, and then she shall come
+round to your stoodio, sir."
+
+  II.
+
+"Here's a little girl come for you, sir!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCH'S PROVERBS
+
+  Most sticks have two ends, and a muff gets hold of the wrong one.
+
+  The good boy studies his lesson; the bad boy gets it.
+
+  If sixpence were sunshine, it would never be lost in the giving.
+
+  The man that is happy in all things will rejoice in potatoes.
+
+  Three removes are better than a dessert.
+
+  Dinner deferred maketh the hungry man mad.
+
+  Bacon without liver is food for the mind.
+
+  Forty winks or five million is one sleep.
+
+  You don't go to the Mansion House for skilligolee.
+
+  Three may keep counsel if they retain a barrister.
+
+  What is done cannot be underdone.
+
+  You can't make a pair of shoes out of a pig's tail.
+
+  Dinner hour is worth every other, except bedtime.
+
+  No hairdresser puts grease into a wise man's head.
+
+  An upright judge for a downright rogue.
+
+  Happiness is the hindmost horse in the Derby.
+
+  Look before you sit.
+
+  Bear and forebear is Bruin and tripe.
+
+  Believe twice as much as you hear of a lady's age.
+
+  Content is the conjuror that turns mock-turtle into real.
+
+  There is no one who perseveres in well-doing like a thorough humbug.
+
+  The loosest fish that drinks is tight.
+
+  Education won't polish boots.
+
+  Experience is the mother of gumption.
+
+  Half-a-crown is better than no bribe.
+
+  Utopia hath no law.
+
+  There is no cruelty in whipping cream.
+
+  Care will kill a cat; carelessness a Christian.
+
+  He who lights his candle at both ends, spills grease.
+
+  Keep your jokes to yourself, and repeat other people's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEST TEXT-BOOK FOR PUGILISTS.--Knox on anatomy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ACROBATS' TIPPLE.--Champagne in tumblers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH.--_Fond Mother._ "I
+_do_ wish you would look over some of my little boy's sketches, and give
+me your candid opinion on them. They strike me as perfectly marvellous
+for one so young. The other day he drew a horse and cart, and, I can
+assure you, you could scarcely tell the difference."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR SMOKING CONCERT
+
+_Irate Member._ "Well, I'll take my oath I came in a hat!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EDITORS
+
+     ["Editors, behind their officialism, are human just like other
+     folks, for they think and they work, they laugh and they play, they
+     marry--just as others do. The best of them are brimful of human
+     nature, sympathetic and kindly, and full of the zest of life and
+     its merry ways."--_Round About_.]
+
+To look at, the ordinary editor is so like a human being that it takes
+an expert to tell the difference.
+
+When quite young they make excellent pets, but for some strange reason
+people never confess that they have editors in the house.
+
+Marriage is not uncommon among editors, and monogamy is the rule rather
+than the exception.
+
+The chief hobby of an editor is the collection of stamped addressed
+envelopes, which are sent to him in large numbers. No one knows why he
+should want so many of these, but we believe he is under the impression
+that by collecting a million of them he will be able to get a child into
+some hospital.
+
+Of course in these enlightened days it is illegal to shoot editors,
+while to destroy their young is tantamount to murder.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Country Cousin_ (_looking at Index of R. A. Catalogue_).
+"Uncle, what does 1, 3, 6, 8, after a man's name, mean?"
+
+_Uncle_ (_who has been dragged there much against his will_). "Eh! What?
+1, 3---- Oh, _Telephone number_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN THE ARTIST'S ROOM.--_Potztausend._ "My friend, it is
+kolossal! most remark-worthy! You remind me on Rubinstein; but you are
+better as he." _Pianist (pleased)._ "Indeed! How?" _Potztausend._ "In de
+bersbiration. My friend Rubinstein could never bersbire so moch!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BROTHERS IN ART.--_New Arrival._ "What should I charge
+for teaching ze pianoforte?" _Old Stager._ "Oh, I don't know." _N. A._
+"Vell, tell me vot _you_ charge." _O. S._ "_I_ charge five guineas a
+lesson." _N. A._ "Himmel! how many pupils have you got?" _O. S._ "Oh, I
+have no pupils!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DIVISION OF LABOUR
+
+     ["_Journalism._--Gentleman (barrister) offers furnished bedroom in
+     comfortable, cheerful chambers in Temple in return for equivalent
+     journalistic assistance, &c."--_Times._]
+
+The "equivalent" is rather a nice point. _Mr. Punch_ suggests for other
+gentlemen barristers the following table of equivalence:--
+
+  1 furnished bedroom.      = {1 introduction (by letter) to
+                              {sub-editor of daily paper.
+
+  1 furnished bedroom}      = {1 introduction (personal) to
+  with use of bath.  }        {sub-editor.
+
+                              {1 introduction and interview
+  1 bed-sitting-room.       = { (five minutes guaranteed)
+                              {with editor.
+
+  2 furnished rooms.}       = {1 lunch (cold) with Dr.
+                              {Robertson Nicoll.
+
+  2 furnished rooms, with}  = {1 lunch (hot) with Dr. Nicoll
+  use of bath.           }    {and Claudius Clear.
+
+  1 furnished flat, with  }   {1 bridge night with Lord
+  all modern conveniences,} = {Northcliffe, Sir George
+  electric light,         }   {Newnes, and Mr. C. A.
+  trams to the corner, &c.}   {Pearson.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When is an author most likely to be sick of his own writing?
+
+When he's regularly _in the swing_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DRINK TO ME ONLY WITH THINE EYES
+
+SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Little Griggs_ (_to caricaturist_). "By Jove, old
+feller, I wish you'd been with me this morning; you'd have seen such a
+funny looking chap!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: (_Model wishing to say something pleasant._) "You must
+have painted uncommonly well when you were young!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DINNER AND DRESS.--Full dress is not incompatible with low dress. At
+dinner it is not generally the roast or the boiled that are not dressed
+enough. If young men are raw, that does not much signify but it is not
+nice to see girls underdone.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CHEAP BATH.--A farthing dip.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"LIGHT DUES."--Photographers' charges.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"LETTERED EASE."--The catalogue of the British Museum.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PROFESSIONAL VIEW OF THINGS.--Trecalfe, our bookseller, who has
+recently got married, says of his wife, that he feels that her life is
+bound up in his.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TAVERN WINE MEASURE
+
+  2 sips      make  1 glass.
+  2 glasses   make  1 pint.
+  2 pints     makes 1 quart bottle.
+  1 bottle    makes one ill.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BOARDING-OUT SYSTEM.--Dining at the club.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mrs. Mashem._ "_Bull-bull_ and I have been sitting for
+our photographs as 'Beauty and the Beast'!"
+
+_Lord Loreus_ (_a bit of a fancier_). "Yes; he certainly _is_ a beauty,
+isn't he?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHORT RULES FOR CALCULATION.--_To Find the Value of a Dozen
+Articles._--Send them to a magazine, and double the sum offered by the
+proprietor.
+
+_Another Way._--Send them to the butterman, who will not only fix their
+value, but their weight, at per pound.
+
+_To Find the Value of a Pound at any price._--Try to borrow one, when
+you are desperately hard up.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Member of the Lyceum Club._ Have you read Tolstoi's "Resurrection"?
+
+_Member of the Cavalry Club._ No. Is that the name of Marie Corelli's
+new book?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONVIVIAL TOAST (_For a Temperance Fête_)
+
+FILL high: Drink _L'eau_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_First Reveller_ (_on the following morning_). "I say, is it true you
+were the only sober man last night?"
+
+_Second Reveller._ "Of course not!"
+
+_First Reveller._ "Who was, then?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN UGLY BARGAIN.--A cheap bull-dog.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE DUMAS CRAZE
+
+_Brown_ (_who, with his friends Jones and Robinson, is in town for a
+week and is "going it"_). "Now, Mr. Costumier, we are going to this 'ere
+ball, and we want you to make us hup as the Three Musketeers!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CHEERFUL PROSPECT.--_Jones._ "I say, Miss Golightly,
+it's awfully good of you to accompany me, you know. If I've tried this
+song once, I've tried it a dozen times--_and I've always broken down in
+the third verse!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BEYOND PRAISE.--_Roscius._ "But you haven't got a word of
+praise for anyone. I should like to know who you would consider a
+finished artist?"
+
+_Criticus._ "A dead one, my boy--a dead one!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STALE NEWS FRESHLY TOLD.--A physician cannot obtain recovery of his
+fees, although he may cause the recovery of his patient.
+
+Dress may be seized for rent, and a coat without cuffs may be collared
+by the broker.
+
+A married woman can acquire nothing, the proper tie of marriage making
+all she has the proper-ty of her husband.
+
+You may purchase any stamp at the stamp-office, except the stamp of a
+gentleman.
+
+Pawnbrokers take such enormous interest in their little pledges, that if
+they were really pledges of affection, the interest taken could hardly
+be exceeded.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE AUTHORS OF OUR OWN PLEASURES.--Next to the pleasure of having done a
+good action, there is nothing so sweet as the pleasure of having written
+a good article!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.--When the organ nuisance shall have been swept
+away from our streets, that fearful instrument of ear-piercing torture
+called the hurdy-gurdy will then (thank Parliament!) be known as the
+_un-heardy_-gurdy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MY MOTHER BIDS ME BIND MY HAIR
+
+SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FEW GOLDEN RULES TRANSMUTED INTO BRASS
+
+THE GOLDEN RULE.
+
+1. Never put off till to-morrow what you can do to-day.
+
+2. Never trouble another for a trifle which you can do yourself.
+
+3. Never spend your money before you have it, if you would make the most
+of your means.
+
+4. Nothing is troublesome that we do willingly.
+
+THE BRAZEN RULE.
+
+1. Put off till to-morrow the dun who won't be done to-day.
+
+2. When another would trouble you for a trifle, never trouble yourself.
+
+3. Spend your money before you have it; and when you have it, spend it
+again, for by so doing you enjoy your means twice, instead of only once.
+
+4. You have only to do a creditor willingly, and he will never be
+troublesome.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LITERARY PURSUIT.--Chasing a newspaper in a high wind.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE TRUE TEST.--
+
+_First Screever_ (_stopping before a pastel in a picture dealer's
+window_). "Ullo 'Erbert, look 'ere! Chalks!"
+
+_Second Screever._ "Ah, very tricky, I dessay. But you set that chap on
+the pivement alongside o' you an' me, to dror 'arf a salmon an' a nempty
+'at, an' where 'ud 'e be?"
+
+_First Screever._ "Ah!"]
+
+    [_Exeunt ambo._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUSICAL NEWS (NOOSE).--We perceive from a foreign paper that a criminal
+who has been imprisoned for a considerable period at Presburg has
+acquired a complete mastery over the violin. It has been announced that
+he will shortly make an appearance in public. Doubtless, his performance
+will be _a solo on one string_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Sporting Prophet_ (_playing billiards_). Marker, here's the tip off
+this cue as usual.
+
+_Marker._ Yes, sir. Better give us one of your "tips," sir, as _they
+never come off_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ART DOGMA.--An artist's wife never admires her husband's work so much as
+when he is drawing her a cheque.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE UNITED EFFORT OF SIX ROYAL ACADEMICIANS.--What colour is it that
+contains several? An umber (_a number_).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEM. AT BURLINGTON HOUSE.--A picture may be "capitally executed" without
+of necessity being "well hung." And _vice versâ_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SCHISM TO BE APPROVED OF.--A witticism.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EXCELSIOR!--
+
+_She._ "I didn't know you were a _musician_, Herr Müller."
+
+_He._ "A musician? Ach, no--Gott vorpit! I am a _Wagnerian_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN AUTHOR'S CRY OF AGONY
+
+(_Wrung from him by the repeated calls of the printer's boy_)
+
+"Oh! that devils' visits were, like angels', 'few and far between!'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RIDDLES BY A WRETCH.--_Q._ What is the difference between a surgeon and
+a wizard?
+
+_A._ The one is a cupper and the other is a sorcerer.
+
+_Q._ Why is America like the act of reflection?
+
+_A._ Because it is a roomy-nation.
+
+_Q._ Why is your pretty cousin like an alabaster vase?
+
+_A._ Because she is an _objet de looks_.
+
+_Q._ How is it that a man born in Truro can never be an Irishman?
+
+_A._ Because he always is a true-Roman.
+
+_Q._ Why is my game cock like a bishop?
+
+_A._ Because he has his crows here (_crozier_).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COUPLET BY A CYNIC
+
+(_After reading certain Press Comments on the Picture Show_)
+
+    Philistine art may stand all critic shocks
+    Whilst it gives private views--of pretty frocks!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RETALIATION.--
+
+_Comic Man_ (_to unappreciated tenor, whose song has just been received
+in stony silence_). "I say, you're not going to sing an encore, are
+you?"
+
+_Unappreciated Tenor_ (_firmly_). "Yes, I am. _Serve them right!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN INDUCEMENT.--
+
+_Swedish Exercise Instructress._ "Now, ladies, if you will only follow
+my directions carefully, it is quite possible that you may become even
+as I am!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MORE SWEDISH INSTRUCTION.--
+
+_Instructress_ (_to exhausted class, who have been hopping round room
+for some time_). "Come! Come! That won't do at all. You _must_ look
+cheerful. Keep smiling--smiling all the time!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BATCH OF PROOFS
+
+  The proof of a pudding is in the eating:
+  The proof of a woman is in making a pudding;
+  And the proof of a man is in being able to dine without one.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A REFLECTION ON LITERATURE.--It is a well-authenticated fact, that the
+name of a book has a great deal to do with its sale and its success. How
+strange that titles should go for so much in the republic of letters.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR THE REJECTED AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY (_suggested by one of the
+Forty_).--"Hanging's too good for them!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUGGESTION FOR A MUSIC-HALL SONG (_to suit any Lionne Comique_).--"Wink
+at _me only_ with one eye," &c., &c.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AMPLE GROUNDS FOR COMPLAINT.--Finding the grounds of your coffee to
+consist of nothing but chicory.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SMILING COUNTENANCE is "The happy mien."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Publisher_ (_impatiently_). "Well, sir, what is it?"
+
+_Poet_ (_timidly_). "O--er--are you Mr. Jobson?"
+
+_Publisher_ (_irritably_). "Yes."
+
+_Poet_ (_more timidly_). "Mr. _George_ Jobson?"
+
+_Publisher_ (_excitably_). "Yes, sir, that's my name."
+
+_Poet_ (_more timidly still_). "Of the firm of Messrs. Jobson and
+Doodle?"
+
+_Publisher_ (_angrily_). "Yes. What do you want?"
+
+_Poet_ "Oh--I want to see Mr. Doodle!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR ORCHESTRAL SOCIETY.--_The Rector._ "Oh, _piano_, Mr.
+Brown! _Pi-an-o!_"
+
+_Mr. Brown._ "_Piano_ be blowed! I've come here to enjoy myself!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Customer._--"Have you 'How to be happy though married'?"
+
+_Bookseller._ "No, sir. We have run out at present of the work you
+mention; but we are selling this little book by the hundred."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LETTER TO A YOUNG PUBLISHER
+
+Since, my dear Jones, you are good enough to ask for my advice, need I
+say that your success in business will depend chiefly upon judicious
+advertisement? You are bringing out, I understand, a thrilling story of
+domestic life, entitled "Maria's Marriage." Already, I am glad to learn,
+you have caused a paragraph to appear in the literary journals
+contradicting "the widespread report that Mr. Kipling and the German
+Emperor have collaborated in the production of this novel, the
+appearance of which is awaited with such extraordinary interest." And
+you have induced a number of papers to give prominence to the fact that
+Mr. Penwiper dines daily off curry and clotted cream. So far, so good.
+Your next step will be to send out review-copies, together with
+ready-made laudatory criticisms; in order, as you will explain, to save
+the hard worked reviewers trouble. But, you will say, supposing this
+ingenious device to fail? Supposing "Maria's Marriage" to be
+universally "slated"? Well, even then you need not despair. With a
+little practice, you will learn the art of manufacturing an attractive
+advertisement column from the most unpromising material. Let me give you
+a brief example of the method:--
+
+I.--THE RAW MATERIAL.
+
+"Mr. Penwiper's latest production, 'Maria's Marriage,' scarcely calls
+for serious notice. It seems hard to believe that even the most tolerant
+reader will contrive to study with attention a work of which every page
+contains glaring errors of taste. Humour, smartness, and interest are
+all conspicuously wanting."--_The Thunderer._
+
+"This book is undeniably third-rate--dull, badly-written, incoherent; in
+fine, a dismal failure."--_The Wigwam._
+
+"If 'Maria's Marriage' has any real merit, it is as an object-lesson to
+aspiring authors. Here, we would say to them, is a striking example of
+the way in which romance should not be written. Set yourself to produce
+a work exactly its opposite in every particular, and the chances are
+that you will produce, if not a masterpiece, at least, a tale free from
+the most glaring faults. For the terrible warning thus afforded by his
+volume to budding writers, Mr. Penwiper deserves to be heartily
+thanked."--_Daily Telephone._
+
+"'Maria's Marriage' is another book that we have received in the course
+of the month."--_The Parachute._
+
+II.--THE RESULT.
+
+"Maria's Marriage!" "Maria's Marriage!"
+
+Gigantic Success--The Talk of London.
+
+The 29th edition will be issued this week if the sale of twenty-eight
+previous ones makes this necessary. Each edition is strictly limited!
+
+"Maria's Marriage!"
+
+The voice of the Press is simply _unanimous_. Read the following
+extracts--taken almost at random from the reviews of leading papers.
+
+"Mr. Penwiper's latest production ... calls for serious notice ... the
+reader will ... study with attention a work of which every page contains
+taste, humour, smartness and interest!"--_The Thunderer._
+
+"Undeniably ... fine!"--_The Wigwam._
+
+"Has ... real merit ... an object lesson ... a striking example of the
+way in which romance ... should be written. A masterpiece ... free from
+faults. Mr. Penwiper deserves to be heartily thanked."--_Daily
+Telephone._
+
+"The book ... of the month!"--_The Parachute_, &c., &c.
+
+"Maria's Marriage!" A veritable triumph! Order it from your bookseller
+to-day!
+
+That, my dear Jones, is how the trick is done. I hope to give you some
+further hints on a future occasion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"PRAY, AFTER YOU," as the glass of water said to the pill.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRUISM FOR TEETOTALERS.--When a man is _out_ of spirits--he should take
+wine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NEEDLESS QUESTION.--"Do you want a loan?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BRITISH "PUBLIC."--The beer-shop.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORNING ENVELOPES.--Dressing gowns.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "_Operator_" (_desperately, after half an hour's
+fruitless endeavour to make a successful "picture" from unpromising
+sitter_). "Suppose, madam, we try a pose with just the _least_
+suggestion of--er--_sauciness_?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GUSHING HOSPITALITY. (Time 3 p.m.).--_Hospitable Host._
+"Have c'gar, old f'lla?"
+
+_Languid Visitor._ "No--thanks."
+
+_H. H._ "Cigarette then?"
+
+_His Visitor._ "No--thanks. Nevar smoke 'mejately after breakfast."
+
+_H. H._ "Can't refuse a toothpick, then, old f'lla?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PROPORTIONS.--_Buyer._ "In future, as my collection
+increases, and my wall-space is limited, and price no object, perhaps
+you would let me have a little more 'picture,' and a little less
+'mount'!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INGENUOUS!--_Jones_ (_to his fair partner, after their
+opponents have declared "clubs"_). "Shall I play to 'clubs', partner?"
+
+_Fair Partner_ (_who has never played bridge before_). "Oh, no, please
+don't, Mr. Jones. I've only got two little ones."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _She._ "And are all these lovely things about which you
+write imaginary?"
+
+_The Poet._ "Oh, no, Miss Ethel. I have only to open my eyes and I see
+something beautiful before me."
+
+_She._ "Oh, how I wish I could say the same!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT THE R.A.--_First Painter._ "I've just been showing my
+aunt round. Most amusing. Invariably picks out the wrong pictures to
+admire and denounces the good ones!"
+
+_Second Painter._ "Did she say anything about mine?"
+
+_First Painter._ "Oh, she liked yours!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I say, old man, I've invented a new drink. Big success!
+Come and try it."
+
+"What's it made of?"
+
+"Well, it's something like the ordinary whisky and soda, but you put
+more whisky in it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PROPHET IN HIS OWN COUNTRY
+
+_Sylvia._ "I wonder whether he'll be a soldier or a sailor?"
+
+_Mamma._ "Wouldn't you like him to be an artist, like papa?"
+
+_Sylvia._ "Oh, one in the family's quite enough!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE BITTER END."--The last half inch of a halfpenny cigar.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WORST POSSIBLE NAME FOR AN AUTHOR.--Dr. Dozy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Why oughtn't a boot and shoemaker to be trusted?
+
+Because he's a slippery customer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RACE FOR WEALTH.--Jews.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BASSO PROFONDO.--A deep draught of bitter beer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EXERCISE FOR CITY CLERKS.--A run on a Bank.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PASSING THE TIME.--Going by a clock.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Coming off with flying colours]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THY FACE
+
+SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LITERARY NOTES
+
+A well-known diner-out has, we learn, collected his reminiscences, and
+would be glad to hear from some obliging gentleman or gentlemen who
+would "earnestly request" him to publish them.
+
+We should add that no names would be mentioned, the preface merely
+opening as follows:--
+
+     "Although these stray gleanings of past years are of but ephemeral
+     value, and though they were collected with no thought of
+     publication, the writer at the earnest request of a friend" (or
+     "many friends," if more than one) "has reluctantly consented to
+     give his scattered reminiscences to the world."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The following volumes in "The Biter Bit" series are announced as shortly
+to appear:--
+
+"The Fighter Fit; or practical hints on pugilistic training."
+
+"The Lighter Lit: a treatise on the illumination of Thames barges."
+
+"The Slighter Slit: or a new and economical method of cutting out."
+
+"The Tighter Tit: studies in the comparative inebriation of birds."
+
+[Illustration: Some fine form was exhibited]
+
+[Illustration: A two-figure break]
+
+[Illustration: A heat of 500 up]
+
+[Illustration: Finishing the game with a cannon]
+
+[Illustration: Opening with the customary miss]
+
+[Illustration: Spot barred]
+
+BILLIARD NOTES BY DUMB-CRAMBO
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SENDING-IN-DAY AT THE R. A.
+
+"But it is impossible for you to see the President. What do you want to
+see him for?"
+
+"I want to show him exactly where I want my picture hung."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Millionaire._ "Yes; I'm awful partial to picters. Why,
+bless yer, I've got _cellars_ full of 'em!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE EXHIBITION"]
+
+_Infuriated Outsider._ "R-r-r-rejected, sir!----Fwanospace, sir!" (_With
+withering emphasis._) "'Want--of--space--sir!!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Look here, Schlumpenhagen, you must help us at our
+smoking concert. You play the flute, don't you?"
+
+"Not ven dere ish anypotty apout."
+
+"How's that?"
+
+"Dey _von't let me_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROCHEFOUCAULDIANA
+
+There is no sympathy in England so universally felt, so largely
+expressed, as for a person who is likely to catch cold.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When a person loses his reputation, the very last place where he goes to
+look for it is the place where he has lost it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+No gift so fatal as that of singing. The principal question asked, upon
+insuring a man's life, should be, "Do you sing a good song?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Many of us are led by our vices, but a great many more of us follow them
+without any leading at all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+To show how deceptive are appearances, more gentlemen are mistaken for
+waiters, than waiters for gentlemen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+To a retired tradesman there can be no greater convenience than that of
+having a "short sight." In truth, wealth rarely improves the vision.
+Poverty, on the contrary, strengthens it. A man, when he is poor, is
+able to discover objects at the greatest distance with the naked eye,
+which he could not see, though standing close to his elbow, when he was
+rich.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If you wish to set a room full of silent people off talking, get some
+one to sing a song.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The bore is happy enough in boring others, but is never so miserable as
+when left alone, when there is no one but himself to bore.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The contradictions of this life are wonderful. Many a man, who hasn't
+the courage to say "no," never misses taking a shower-bath every morning
+of his life.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If you wish to borrow £5 ask for £10.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHAT BROWN SAID
+
+SCENE--_Hall of the Elysium Club_
+
+_Enter_ Smith, F.R.S., _meeting_ Brown, Q.C.
+
+_Smith._ Raw day, eh?
+
+_Brown._ Very _raw_. Glad when it's _done_.
+
+     [_Exit_ Brown, Q.C. _Exit_ Smith, F.R.S., _into smoking-room, where
+     he tells a good thing that_ Brown _said_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT THE ACADEMY
+
+_Miss Jones._ "How came you to think of the subject, Mr. de Brush?"
+
+_Eccentric Artist._ "Oh, I have had it in my head for years!"
+
+_Miss Jones._ "How wonderful! What did the papers say?"
+
+_Eccentric Artist._ "Said it was full of 'atmosphere,' and suggested
+'space.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INTELLIGENT!--_Artist_ (_who thinks he has found a good
+model for his Touchstone_). "Have you any sense of humour, Mr. Bingles?"
+
+_Model._ "Thank y' sir, no, sir, thank y'. I enj'ys pretty good 'ealth,
+sir, thank y' sir!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PERILS OF A CONVERSAZIONE
+
+_Miss Fillip_ (_to gentleman whose name she did not catch when
+introduced_). Have you read _A Modern Heliogabolus_?
+
+_He._ Yes, I have.
+
+_Miss F._ All through?
+
+_He._ Yes, from beginning to end.
+
+_Miss F._ Dear me! I wonder you're alive! How did you manage to get
+through it?
+
+_He_ (_diffidently_). Unfortunately, I wrote it.
+
+[_Miss F. catches a distant friend's eye._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SOUND SLEEPER'S PARADISE.--Snoring.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_PATENT_ NIGHT-LIGHTS.--Stars.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EPITAPH ON A CHAMPION BILLIARD PLAYER.--"Taking his long rest."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TONED PAPER.--Sheets of music.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ITEM ON A MENU OF LITERARY PABULUM.--"Shakspeare and Bacon."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RACE GLASSES.--Champagne.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MAID OF THE MILL.--A lady boxer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SENTIMENT.--(_Artistic-minded Youth in midst of a fierce
+harangue from his father, who is growing hotter and redder_). "By Jove,
+that's a fine bit of colour, if you like!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "What an ass old Brown is!"
+
+"Oh, I don't know. He's got far more brains than appear on the
+surface."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Art-Master_ (_who has sent for a cab, pointing to
+horse_). "What do you call that?"
+
+_Cabby._ "An 'orse, sir."
+
+_Art-Master._ "A horse! Rub it out, and do it again!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PARCEL OF PROVERBS, &c. COMPLETED
+
+  Take time by the forelock--to have his hair cut.
+
+  Follow your leader--in your daily paper.
+
+  The proof of the pudding is in the eating--a great deal of it.
+
+  Never look a gift-horse in the mouth--lest you should find false teeth.
+
+  The hare with many friends--was eaten at last.
+
+  A stitch in time saves nine--or more naughty words, when a button comes
+  off while you are dressing in a great hurry for dinner.
+
+  One man's meat is another man's poison--when badly cooked.
+
+  Don't count your chickens before they are hatched--by the patent
+  incubator.
+
+  Love is blind--and unwilling to submit to an operation.
+
+  First catch your hare--then cook it with rich gravy.
+
+  Nil Desperandum--PERCY VERE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NON-COMMITTAL.--
+
+Scene: _Fashionable Auction Rooms. A Picture Sale._--
+
+_Amateur Collector_ (_after taking advice of Expert No. 1, addresses
+Expert No. 2_). "What do you think of the picture? I am advised to buy
+it. Is it not a fine Titian?"
+
+_Expert No. 2_ (_wishing to please both parties_). "I don't think you
+can go far wrong, for anyhow, if it isn't a Titian it's a repe-tition."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER PARCEL OF PROVERBS
+
+  If the cap fits, wear it--out.
+
+  Six of one, and half-a-dozen of the other--make exactly twelve.
+
+  None so deaf as those who won't hear--hear! hear!
+
+  Faint heart never won fair lady--nor dark one either.
+
+  Civility costs nothing--nay, is something to your credit.
+
+  The best of friends must part--their hair.
+
+  Any port in a storm--but old port preferred.
+
+  One good turn deserves another--in waltzing.
+
+  Youth at the prow and pleasure at the helm--very sea-sick.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"LEADING STRINGS."--Those of a first violin in an orchestra.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOBACCO STOPPERS.--Men who stay to smoke.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SMOKER'S PROVERB.--It's an ill weed that blows nobody any good.
+
+A _TIDY_ DRINK.--_Neat_ brandy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Amateur_ "_Minimus Poet_" (_who has called at the office
+twice a week for three months_). "Could you use a little poem of mine?"
+
+_Editor_ (_ruthlessly determined that this shall be his final visit_).
+"Oh, I think so. There are two or three broken panes of glass, and a
+hole in the skylight. How large is it?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR A SUB-EDITOR.--"Aut _scissors_, aut nullus."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_To find the value of a Cook._--Divide the services rendered by the
+wages paid; deduct the kitchen stuff, subtract the cold meat by finding
+how often three policemen will go into one area, and the quotient will
+help you to the result.
+
+_To find the value of a Friend._--Ask him to put his name to a bill.
+
+_To find the value of Time._--Travel by a Bayswater omnibus.
+
+_To find the value of Eau de Cologne._--Walk into Smithfield market.
+
+_To find the value of Patience._--Consult Bradshaw's _Guide_ to
+ascertain the time of starting of a railway train.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTE BY A SOCIAL CYNIC.--They may abolish the "push" stroke at
+billiards, but they'll never do so in society.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM OUR OWN IRREPRESSIBLE ONE (_still dodging custody_).--_Q._ Why is a
+daily paper like a lamb? _A._ Because it is always folded.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DUTY BEFORE PLEASURE.--_Hostess_ (_to new Curate_). "We
+seem to be talking of nothing but horses, Mr. Soothern. Are you much of
+a sportsman?"
+
+_Curate._ "Really, Lady Betty, I don't think I ought to say that I am. I
+used to collect butterflies; but I have to give up even _that_ now!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SHAKSPEARE ILLUSTRATED
+
+"The gods confound thee! Dost thou hold there still?"
+        _Antony and Cleopatra_, Act II., Sc. 5.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"STILL WATERS."--Whiskies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ART CRITICISM.--In too many pictures the colour is medi-ocre.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ADVERTISER'S PARADISE.--Puffin Island.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MUSICAL BURGLAR.--One who breaks into a tune.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HE KNEW HIS WORK
+
+_Proprietor of Travelling Menagerie._ "Are you used to looking after
+horses and other animals?"
+
+_Applicant for Job._ "Yessir. Been used to 'orses all my life."
+
+_P. O. T. M._ "What steps would you take if a lion got loose?"
+
+_A. F. J._ "Good long 'uns, mister!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MAY BE HEARD EVERYWHERE.--"Songs without words"--a remarkable
+performance; but perhaps a still more wonderful feat is playing upon
+words.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUBSTITUTES FOR PROFANE SWEARING
+
+(_Adapted to various Sorts and Conditions of Men_)
+
+_Lawyer._ Tax my bill.
+
+_Doctor._ Dash my draughts.
+
+_Soldier_. Snap my stock.
+
+_Parson._ Starch my surplice.
+
+_Bricklayer._ I'll be plastered.
+
+_Bricklayer's Labourer._ Chop my hod.
+
+_Carpenter._ Saw me.
+
+_Plumber and Glazier._ Solder my pipes. Smash my panes.
+
+_Painter._ I'm daubed.
+
+_Brewer._ I'm mashed.
+
+_Engineer._ Burst my boiler.
+
+_Stoker._ Souse my coke.
+
+_Costermonger._ Rot my taturs.
+
+_Dramatic Author._ Steal my French Dictionary.
+
+_Actor._ I'll be hissed.
+
+_Tailor._ Cut me out. Cook my goose.
+
+_Linendraper._ Soil my silks. Sell me off.
+
+_Grocer._ Squash my figs. Sand my sugar. Seize my scales.
+
+_Baker._ Knead my dough. Scorch my muffins.
+
+_Auctioneer._ Knock me down.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE PLAYERS ARE COME!"--_First Player_ (_who has had a run of
+ill-luck_). I'm regularly haunted by the recollection of my losses at
+baccarat.
+
+_Second Player._ Quite Shakespearian! "Banco's ghost."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOMETHING TO LIVE FOR.--(_From the Literary Club Smoking-room._)
+_Cynicus._ I'm waiting till my friends are dead, in order to write my
+reminiscences?
+
+_Amicus._ Ah, but remember. "_De mortuis nil nisi bonum._"
+
+_Cynicus._ Quite so. I shall tell nothing but exceedingly good stories
+about them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CONTRADICTION.--In picture exhibitions, the observant spectator is
+struck by the fact that works hung on the line are too often below the
+mark.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A "LIGHT" REPAST.--A feast of lanterns.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: R. A. GEMS.--_Fair Amateur_ (_to carpenter_). "My picture
+is quite hidden with that horrid ticket on it. Can't you fix it on the
+frame?" _Carpenter._ "Why, you'll spoil the frame, mum!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Jones._ "Do you drink between meals?"
+
+_Smith._ "No. I eat between drinks."
+
+_Jones._ "Which did you do last?"
+
+_Smith._ "Drink."
+
+_Jones._ "Then we'd better go and have a sandwich at once!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NOCTURNE IN THE OLD KENT ROAD]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"LARGEST CIRCULATION IN THE WORLD."--The elephant's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WORST PLACE IN THIRSTY WEATHER.--Taplow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INSCRIPTION FOR AN OLD CLOTHES SHOP.--"Nothing new."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "JUST A SONG AT TWILIGHT"]
+
+(_As sung sweetly by a Public-House-Baritone_)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LITERARY ANNOUNCEMENT.--In the press--yesterday's tablecloth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HEIGHT OF ECONOMY.--A "screw" of tobacco.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A BROKEN MELODY
+
+SCENE I.--_Street Singer._ "I fear no foe in shining ar----."]
+
+[Illustration: A BROKEN MELODY
+
+SCENE II.--Enter policeman.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE QUICK GRUB STREET CO.
+
+THE QUICK GRUB STREET CO. BEG TO ANNOUNCE THAT THEY HAVE OPENED AN
+ESTABLISHMENT FOR THE SUPPLY OF LITERATURE IN ALL ITS BRANCHES.
+
+     _Every Editor should send for our Prices and compare them with
+     those of other houses._
+
+POETRY DEPARTMENT.
+
+We employ experienced poets for the supply of garden verses, war songs,
+&c., and undertake to fill any order within twenty-four hours of its
+reaching us. Our Mr. Rhymeesi will be glad to wait upon parties
+requiring verse of any description, and, if the matter is at all urgent,
+to execute the order on the spot.
+
+DRAMA DEPARTMENT.
+
+Actor-managers before going elsewhere should give us a call. Our plays
+draw wherever they are presented, even if it is only bricks.
+
+_Testimonial._--A manager writes: "The play you kindly supplied, _The
+Blue Bloodhound of Bletchley_, is universally admitted to be _unlike
+anything ever before produced on the stage_."
+
+Musical comedies (guaranteed absolutely free from plot) supplied on
+shortest notice.
+
+FICTION DEPARTMENT.
+
+For society dialogues we use the very best duchesses; while a
+first-class earl's daughter is retained for Court and gala opera.
+
+For our new line of _vie intime_ we employ none but valets and
+confidential maids, who have to serve an apprenticeship with P.A.P.
+
+THE KAILYARD DEPARTMENT
+
+is always up-to-date, and our Mr. Stickit will be pleased to call on any
+editor on receipt of post-card.
+
+N.B.--We guarantee our Scotch Idyll to be absolutely unintelligible to
+any English reader, and undertake to refund money if it can be proved
+that such is not the case.
+
+Our speciality, however, is our _Six-Shilling Shocker_, as sold for
+serial purposes. Editors with papers that won't "go" should ask for one
+of these. When ordering please state general idea required under one of
+our recognised sections, as foreign office, police, mounted infantry,
+cowardice, Rome, &c., &c.
+
+BIOGRAPHY.
+
+Any gentleman wishing to have a biography of himself produced in
+anticipation of his decease should communicate with us.
+
+The work would, of course, be published with a note to the effect that
+the writing had been a labour of love; that moreover the subject with
+his usual modesty had been averse from the idea of a biography.
+
+_Testimonial._--Sir Sunny Jameson writes: "The Life gives great
+satisfaction. No reference made, however, to my munificent gift of £50
+to the Referees' Hospital. This should be remedied in the next edition.
+The work, however, has been excellently done. You have made me out to be
+better than even I ever thought myself."
+
+For love letters,
+
+For the Elizabethan vogue,
+
+For every description of garden meditations,
+
+Give the Quick Grub Street Company a trial.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SOFT ANSWER.--_Papa_ (_literary, who has given orders
+he is not to be disturbed_). "Who is it?"
+
+_Little Daughter._ "Scarcely anybody, dear papa!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE SECRETS OF LITERARY COMPOSITION
+
+_The Fair Authoress of "Passionate Pauline," gazing fondly at her own
+reflection, writes as follows_:--
+
+"I look into the glass, reader. What do I see?
+
+I see a pair of laughing, _espiègle_, forget-me-not blue eyes, saucy
+and defiant; a _mutine_ little rose-bud of a mouth, with its
+ever-mocking _moue_; a tiny shell-like ear, trying to play hide-and-seek
+in a tangled maze of rebellious russet gold; while, from underneath the
+satin folds of a _rose-thé_ dressing-gown, a dainty foot peeps coyly
+forth in its exquisitely-pointed gold morocco slipper", &c., &c.
+
+(_Vide "Passionate Pauline", by Parbleu._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DISTINCTION
+
+_First Gourmet._ "That was Mr. Dobbs I just nodded to."
+
+_Second Gourmet._ "I know."
+
+_First G._ "He asked me to dine at his house next Thursday--but I can't.
+Ever dined at Dobbs's?"
+
+_Second G._ "No. Never _dined_. But I've been there to dinner!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Auctioneer._ "Lot 52. A genuine Turner. Painted during
+the artist's lifetime. What offers, gentlemen?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Millionaire_ (_who has been shown into fashionable
+artist's studio, and has been kept waiting a few minutes_). "SHOP!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NONSENSE PROVERBS
+
+  WHAT'S in the pot mustn't be told to the pan.
+
+  There's a mouth for every muffin.
+
+  A clear soup and no flavour.
+
+  As drunk as a daisy.
+
+  All rind and no cheese.
+
+  Set a beggar on horseback, and he will cheat the livery-stable keeper.
+
+  There's a B in every bonnet.
+
+  Two-and-six of one and half-a-crown of the other.
+
+  The insurance officer dreads a fire.
+
+  First catch your heir, then hook him.
+
+  Every plum has its pudding.
+
+  Short pipes make long smokes.
+
+  It's a long lane that has no blackberries.
+
+  Wind and weather come together.
+
+  A flower in the button-hole is worth two on the bush.
+
+  Round robin is a shy bird.
+
+  There's a shiny lining to every hat.
+
+  The longest dinner will come to an end.
+
+  You must take the pips with the orange.
+
+  It's a wise dentist that knows his own teeth.
+
+  No rose without a gardener.
+
+  Better to marry in May than not to marry at all.
+
+  Save sovereigns, spend guineas.
+
+  Too many followers spoil the cook. (N.B. This is _not_ nonsense.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Profusely decorated with cuts]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SAID AT THE ACADEMY.--_Punch_ doesn't care _who_ said it. It was
+extremely rude to call the commission on capital punishments the hanging
+committee.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GRAMMAR OF ART.--"Art," spell it with a big or little "a," can never
+come first in any well-educated person's ideas. "I am" must have the
+place of honour; then "Thou Art!" so apostrophised, comes next.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Scrumble._ "Been to see the old masters?"
+
+_Stippleton_ (_who has married money_). "No. Fact is"--(_sotto
+voce_)--"I've got quite enough on my hands with the old missus!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TWO OLD MASTERS OF ARTS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ARTIST'S VADE MECUM
+
+_Question._ Has the anxious parent been to see his child's portrait?
+
+_Answer._ He has seen it.
+
+_Q._ Did he approve of it?
+
+_A._ He will like it better when I have made some slight alterations.
+
+_Q._ What are they?
+
+_A._ He would like the attitude of the figure altered, the position of
+the arms changed, the face turned the other way, the hair and eyes made
+a different colour, and the expression of the mouth improved.
+
+_Q._ Did he make any other suggestions?
+
+_A._ Yes; he wishes to have the child's favourite pony and Newfoundland
+dog put in, with an indication of the ancestral home in the back-ground.
+
+_Q._ Is he willing to pay anything extra for these additions?
+
+_A._ He does not consider it necessary.
+
+_Q._ Are you well on with your Academy picture?
+
+_A._ No; but I began the charcoal sketch yesterday.
+
+_Q._ Have you secured the handsome model?
+
+_A._ No; the handsome model has been permanently engaged by the eminent
+R.A.
+
+_Q._ Under these circumstances, do you still expect to get finished in
+time?
+
+_A._ Yes; I have been at this stage in February for as many years as I
+can remember, and have generally managed to worry through somehow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHENEVER the "Reduced Prizefighters" take a benefit at a theatre, the
+play should be _The Miller and his Men_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NICE MAN.--Mr. Swiggins was a sot. He was also a sloven. He never had
+anything neat about him but gin.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Under a great master]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE WARRIOR BOLD
+
+SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE GAY TOM TIT
+
+SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HUNG, DRAWN, AND QUARTERED."--(_Mr. Punch's sentence on three-fourths
+of the Academicians' work "on the line."_)--Very well "hung"; very ill
+"drawn"; a great deal better "quartered" than it deserves.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SPIRIT OF THE AGE.--Gin.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST"
+
+When he magnanimously consents to go on the platform at a conjuring
+performance, and unwonted objects are produced from his inside pockets.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Celebrated Minor Poet._ "Ah, hostess, how 'do? Did you
+get my book I sent you yesterday?"
+
+_Hostess._ "Delightful! _I couldn't sleep till I'd read it!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Infant Prodigy has reached the middle of an
+exceedingly difficult pianoforte solo, and one of those dramatic pauses
+of which the celebrated composer is so fond has occurred. Kindly but
+undiscerning old Lady._ "Play something you know, dearie."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT A FENCING "AT HOME."--_Distinguished Foreigner_ (_hero
+of a hundred duels_). "It is delightful, mademoiselle. You English are a
+sporting nation."
+
+_Fair Member._ "So glad you are enjoying it. By the way, Monsieur le
+Marquis, have they introduced fencing into France yet?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN THE CAUSE OF ART.--_Patron._ "When are yer goin' to
+start my wife's picture and mine? 'Cause, when the 'ouse is up we're a
+goin'----"
+
+_Artist._ "Oh, I'll get the canvases at once, and----"
+
+_Patron_ (_millionaire_). "Canvas! 'Ang it!--none o' yer canvas for me!
+Price is no objec'! I can afford to pay for something better than
+canvas!!" [_Tableau!_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GRATIFYING!--_Amateur Artist_ (_to the carrier_). "Did
+you see my picture safely delivered at the Royal Academy?"
+
+_Carrier._ "Yessir, and mighty pleased they seemed to be with
+it--leastways, if one may jedge, sir. They didn't say nothin'--but--lor'
+how they did laugh!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Artist_ (_who has recommended model to a friend_). "Have
+you been to sit to Mr. Jones yet?"
+
+_Model._ "Well, I've been to see him; but directly I got into his
+studio, 'Why,' he said, 'you've got a head like a Botticelli.' I don't
+know what a Botticelli is, but I didn't go there to be called names, so
+I come away!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Art Student_ (_engaging rooms_). "What is that?"
+
+_Landlady._ "That is a picture of our church done in wool by my
+daughter, sir. She's subject to art, too."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SUB-EDITOR'S AUNT
+
+"I always buy your paper my dear Horace," said the old lady, "although
+there is much in it I cannot approve of. But there is one thing that
+puzzles me extremely."
+
+"Yes, aunt?" said the Sub-Editor meekly, as he sipped his tea.
+
+"Why, I notice that the contents bill invariably has one word calculated
+to stimulate the morbid curiosity of the reader. An adjective."
+
+"Circulation depends upon adjectives," said the Sub-Editor.
+
+"I don't think I object to them," the old lady replied; "but what I want
+you to tell me is how you choose them. How do you decide whether an
+occurrence is 'remarkable' or 'extraordinary,' 'astounding' or
+'exciting,' 'thrilling' or 'alarming,' 'sensational' or merely
+'strange,' 'startling' or 'unique'? What tells you which word to use?"
+
+"Well, aunt, we have a system to indicate the adjective to a nicety;
+but----"
+
+"My dear Horace, I will never breathe a word. You should know that. No
+one holds the secrets of the press more sacred than I."
+
+The Sub-Editor settled himself more comfortably in his chair.
+
+"You see, aunt, the great thing in an evening paper is human interest.
+What we want to get is news to hit the man-in-the-street. Everything
+that we do is done for the man-in-the-street. And therefore we keep
+safely locked up in a little room a tame man of this description. He may
+not be much to look at, but his sympathies are right, unerringly right.
+He sits there from nine till six, and has things to eat now and then. We
+call him the Thrillometer."
+
+"How wonderful! How proud you should be Horace, to be a part of this
+mighty mechanism, the press."
+
+"I am, aunt. Well, the duties of the Thrillometer are very simple.
+Directly a piece of news comes in, it is the place of one of the
+Sub-Editors to hurry to the Thrillometer's room and read it to him. I
+have to do this."
+
+"Poor boy. You are sadly overworked, I fear."
+
+"Yes, aunt. And while I read I watch his face."
+
+"Long study has told me exactly what degree of interest is excited within
+him by the announcement. I know instantly whether his expression means
+'phenomenal' or only 'remarkable,' whether 'distressing' or only 'sad,'
+whether----"
+
+"Is there so much difference between 'distressing' and 'sad,' Horace?"
+
+"Oh, yes, aunt. A suicide in Half Moon Street is 'distressing'; in the
+City Road it is only 'sad.' Again, a raid on a club in Whitechapel is of
+no account; but a raid on a West-End club is worth three lines of large
+type in the bill, above Fry's innings."
+
+"Do you mean a club in Soho when you say West-End?"
+
+"Yes, aunt, as a rule."
+
+"But why do you call that the West-End?"
+
+"That was the Thrillometer's doing, aunt. He fell asleep over a club
+raid, and a very good one too, when I said it was in Soho; but when I
+told him of the next--also in Soho, chiefly Italian waiters--and said
+it was in the West-End, his eyes nearly came out of his head. So you see
+how useful the Thrillometer can be."
+
+"Most ingenious, Horace. Was this your idea?"
+
+"Yes, aunt."
+
+"Clever boy. And have the other papers adopted it?"
+
+"Yes, aunt. All of them."
+
+"Then you are growing rich, Horace?"
+
+"No, no, aunt, not at all. Unfortunately I lack the business instinct.
+Other people grow rich on my ideas. In fact, so far from being rich, I
+was going to venture to ask you----"
+
+"Tell me more about the Thrillometer," said the old lady briskly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT THE WRESTLING MATCH
+
+_Enthusiastic Old Gent._ "Go on, sonny! Stick 'old of 's 'ead."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOING TO THE BAD
+
+    All the way from the National Gallery
+      Unto the Royal Academy
+    As I walked, I was guilty of raillery,
+      Which I felt was very bad o' me.
+
+    Thinking of art's disasters,
+      Still sinking to deeper abysses,
+    I said, "From the Old Masters
+      Why go to the new misses?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PREHISTORIC PEEPS
+
+A visit to an artist's studio.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _He._ "Awfully jolly concert, wasn't it? Awfully jolly
+thing by that fellow--what's his name?--something like Doorknob."
+
+_She._ "_Doorknob!_ Whom _do_ you mean? I only know of Beethoven,
+Mozart, Wagner, Handel----"
+
+_He._ "That's it! Handel. I knew it was something you caught hold of!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR ARTIST
+
+"If you please, sir, here's the printer's boy called again!"
+
+"Oh, bother! Say I'm busy."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS "'Tis hard to give the hand where
+the heart can _never_ be!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS. "Only this"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Horse Dealer._ "Did that little mare I sold you do for
+you, sir?"
+
+_Nervous Horseman._ "Nearly!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "OPTICS."--_Lecturer._ "Now let anyone gaze steadfastly
+on any object--say, for instance, his wife's eye--and he'll see himself
+looking so exceedingly small, that----"
+
+_Strong-minded Lady_ (_in front row_). "Hear! Hear! Hear!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "AFTER THE FAIR." (_Country cousin comes up in August to
+see the exhibition of pictures at the Royal Academy!_).--_Porter._
+"Bless yer 'art, we're closed!"
+
+_Country Cousin._ "Closed! What! didn't it pay?!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Jones._ "How is it we see you so seldom at the club
+now?"
+
+_Old Member._ "Ah, well, you see, I'm not so young as I was; and I've
+had a good deal of worry lately; and so, what with one thing and
+another, I've grown rather fond of my own society."
+
+_Jones._ "Epicure!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TRUE INWARDNESS OF ART.--Photographs by the Röntgen rays.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MAN WHO HAS A TURN FOR MUSIC.--An organ-grinder.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PHONOGRAPH CANNOT LIE.--_German Dealer_ "Now, mein
+Herr! You've chust heerd your lofely blaying rebroduced to berfection!
+Won't you buy one?"
+
+_Amateur Flautist._ "Are you sure the thing's all right?"
+
+_German Dealer._ "Zertainly, mein Herr."
+
+_Amateur Flautist._ "Gad, then, if that's what my playing is like, I'm
+done with the flute for ever."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PRIVATE INQUIRY.--_Surveyor of Taxes_ (_to literary
+gent_). "But surely you can arrive at some estimate of the amount
+received by you during the past three years for example. Don't you keep
+books?"
+
+_Literary Gent._ (_readily_). "Oh dear no. I write them!"
+
+_Surveyor._ "Ahem--I mean you've got some sort of accounts----"
+
+_Literary Gent._ "Oh yes, lots"--(_Surveyor brightens up_)--"unpaid!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "There's a boy wants to see you, sir." "Has he got a bill
+in his hand?" "No, sir." "Then he's got it in his pocket! Send him
+away!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH.--_He._ "By Jove, it's
+the best thing I've ever painted!--and I'll tell you what; I've a good
+mind to give it to Mary Morison for her wedding present!"
+
+_His Wifey._ "Oh, but, my love, the Morisons have always been _so_
+hospitable to us! You ought to give her a _real_ present, you know--a
+fan, or a scent-bottle, or something of that sort!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TRIUMPH
+
+_Frame Maker_ (_in ecstasies_). "By Jove! Jemima--every one of 'em on
+the line again!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO BE AN AUTHOR
+
+Mr. Punch, having read the latest book on the way to write for the
+press, feels that there is at least one important subject not properly
+explained therein: to wit, the covering letter. He therefore proceeds to
+supplement this and similar books.... It is, however, when your story
+is written that the difficulties begin. Having selected a suitable
+editor, you send him your contribution accompanied by a covering letter.
+The writing of this letter is the most important part of the whole
+business. One story, after all, is very much like another (in your case,
+probably, exactly like another), but you can at least in your covering
+letter show that you are a person of originality.
+
+Your letter must be one of three kinds: pleading, peremptory, or
+corruptive. I proceed to give examples of each.
+
+I.--THE PLEADING LETTER.
+
+199, _Berkeley Square, W._
+
+DEAR MR. EDITOR,--I have a wife and seven starving children; can you
+possibly help us by accepting this little story of only 18,000
+(eighteen thousand) words? Not only would you be doing a work of charity
+to one who has suffered much, but you would also, I venture to say, be
+conferring a real benefit upon English literature--as I have already
+received the thanks of no fewer than thirty-three editors for having
+allowed them to peruse this manuscript.
+
+Yours humbly,
+
+THE McHARDY.
+
+P.S.--My youngest boy, aged three, pointed to his little sister's Gazeka
+toy last night and cried "De editor!" These are literally the first
+words that have passed his lips for three days. Can you stand by and see
+the children starve?
+
+II.--THE PEREMPTORY LETTER.
+
+SIR,--Kindly publish at once and oblige.
+
+Yours faithfully,
+
+EUGENE HACKENKICK.
+
+P.S.--I shall be round at your office to-morrow about an
+advertisement for some 600 lb. bar-bells, and will look you up.
+
+III.--THE CORRUPTIVE LETTER.
+
+_Middlesex House, Park Lane, IV._
+
+     DEAR MR. SMITH,--Can you come and dine with us quite in a
+     _friendly_ way on Thursday at eight? I want to introduce you to the
+     Princess of Holdwig-Schlosstein and Mr. Alfred Austin, who are so
+     eager to meet you. Do you know I am really a little _frightened_ at
+     the thought of meeting such a famous editor? Isn't it _silly_ of
+     me?
+
+Yours very sincerely,
+
+EMMA MIDDLESEX.
+
+     P.S.--I wonder if you could find room in your _splendid little
+     paper_ for a silly story I am sending you. It would be such a
+     surprise for the Duke's birthday (on Monday).--E. M.
+
+Before concluding the question of the covering letter I must mention the
+sad case of my friend Halibut. Halibut had a series of lithographed
+letters of all kinds, one of which he would enclose with every story he
+sent out. On a certain occasion he wrote a problem story of the most
+advanced kind; what, in fact, the reviewers call a "strong" story. In
+sending this to the editor of a famous magazine his secretary
+carelessly slipped in the wrong letter:
+
+     "DEAR MR. EDITOR," it ran, "I am trying to rite you a littel story,
+     I do hope you will like my little storey, I want to tell you about
+     my kanary and my pussy cat, it's name is _Peggy_ and it has seven
+     kitens, have you any kitens, I will give you one if you print my
+     story,
+
+"Your loving little friend,
+
+"FLOSSIE."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROVERB FOR THE COUNCIL OF THE ROYAL ACADEMY.--"Hanging goes by favour."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ENRAGED MUSICIAN.--(_A Duologue._)
+
+_Composer._ Did you stay late at Lady Tittup's?
+
+_Friend._ Yes. Heard Miss Bang play again. I was delighted with her
+execution.
+
+_Composer._ Her execution! _That_ would have pleased _me_; she deserved
+it for having brutally murdered a piece of mine.
+    [_Exeunt._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GENTILITY OF SPEECH.--At the music halls visitors now call for
+"another acrobat," when they want a second tumbler.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE WRITING ON THE WINDOW
+
+Portrait of a gentleman who proposes to say he was detained in town on
+important business.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AWARDING THE BISCUIT
+
+_Dingy Bohemian._ "I want a bath Oliver."
+
+_Immaculate Servitor._ "My name is _not_ Oliver!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "SENDING-IN" DAY.--Indigo Brown takes his picture,
+entitled "Peace and Comfort," to the R.A. himself, as he says, "Those
+picture carts are certain to scratch it," and, with the assistance of
+his cabby, adds the finishing touches on his way there!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN UNDOUBTED OLD MASTER
+
+(_By Himself_)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LAYING IT ON WITH A PALETTE-KNIFE.--_Miss Sere._ "Ah, Mr.
+Brown, if you could only paint me as I was ten years ago!"
+
+_Our Portrait Painter_ (_heroically_). "I am afraid children's portraits
+are not in my line."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AFTER THE SIXTH REJECTION BY THE R.A.--_The Prodigal._
+"Well, dad, here I am, ready to go into the office to-morrow. I've given
+up my studio and put all my sketches in the fire."
+
+_Fond Father._ "That's right, 'Arold. Good lad! Your 'art's in the right
+place, after all!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Brown_ (_as Hamlet_) _to Jones_ (_as Charles the
+Second_). "'Normous amount of _taste_ displayed here to-night!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN ART PATRON
+
+"I'll have it if you shorten the 'orizon, and make it quids instead of
+guineas!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SHOW SUNDAY.--_Brown_ (_trying to find something to
+admire in Smudge's painting_). "By Jove, old chap, those flowers are
+beautifully put in!"
+
+_Smudge._ "Yes; my old friend--Thingummy--'R.A.' you know, painted them
+in for me."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ENVY.--Scene--_Miss Semple and Dawber, standing near his
+picture._
+
+_Miss Semple._ "Why, there's a crowd in front of Madder's picture!"
+
+_Dawber._ "Someone fainted, I suppose!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN ARTISTIC EPISODE
+
+     ["Incapacity for work has come to be accepted as the hall-mark of
+     genius.... The collector wants only the thing that is rare, and
+     therefore the artist must make his work as rare as he can."--_Daily
+     Chronicle._]
+
+Josephine found me stretched full length in a hammock in the garden.
+
+"Why aren't you at work?" she asked; "not feeling seedy, I hope?"
+
+"Never better," said I. "But I've been making myself too cheap."
+
+"We couldn't possibly help going to the Joneses last night, dear."
+
+"Tush," said I. "I mean there is too much of me."
+
+"I don't quite understand," she said; "but there certainly will be if
+you spend your mornings lolling in that hammock."
+
+The distortive wantonness of this remark left me cold.
+
+"I have made up my mind," I continued, quite seriously, "to do no more
+work for a considerable time."
+
+"But, my dear boy, just think----"
+
+"I'm going to make myself scarce," I insisted.
+
+"Geoffrey!" she exclaimed, "I knew you weren't well!"
+
+I released myself.
+
+"Josephine," I said solemnly, "those estimable persons who collect my
+pictures will think nothing of them if they become too common."
+
+"How do you know there are such persons?" she queried.
+
+"I must decline to answer that question," I replied; "but if there are
+none it is because my work is not yet sufficiently rare and precious. I
+propose to work no more--say, for six or seven years. By that time my
+reputation will be made, and there will be the fiercest competition for
+the smallest canvas I condescend to sign."
+
+She kissed me.
+
+"I came out for the housekeeping-money," she remarked simply.
+
+I went into the house to fetch the required sum, and, by some means I
+cannot explain, got to work again upon the latest potboiler.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUSIC READILY ACQUIRED.--Stealing a march.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE STORM FIEND
+
+SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SUCH IS FAME!--_Duchess_ (_with every wish to encourage
+conversation, to gentleman just introduced_). "Your name is very
+familiar to me indeed for the last ten years."
+
+_Minor Poet_ (_flattered_). "Indeed, Duchess! And may I ask what it was
+that first attracted you?"
+
+_Duchess._ "Well, I was staying with Lady Waldershaw, and she had a most
+indifferent cook, and whenever we found fault with any dish she always
+quoted _you_, and said that _you_ liked it _so much_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DOMESTIC BLISS.--_Wife of your Bussum._ "Oh! I don't want
+to interrupt you, dear. I only want some money for baby's socks--and to
+know whether you will have the mutton cold or hashed."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN A MINOR KEY.--_Hearty Friend_ (_meeting Operatic Composer_). Hallo,
+old man, how are you? Haven't seen you for an age! What's your latest
+composition?
+
+_Impecunious Musician_ (_gloomily_). With my creditors. [_Exeunt
+severally._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO BE SUNG AT CONCERT PITCH.--"The Tar's Farewell."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SAFE.--_Guest_ (_after a jolly evening_). "Good night,
+ol' fellah--I'll leave my boosh oushide 'door----"
+
+_Bohemian Host._ "Au' right, m' boy--(_hic_)--noborry'll toussh
+'em--goo' light!!"     [_Exeunt._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONSOLATIONS FOR THE UNHUNG
+
+Now that the painful month of suspense in Studioland is at an end, it
+behoves us to apply our most soothing embrocation to the wounded
+feelings of geniuses whose works have boomeranged their way back from
+Burlington House. Let them remember:
+
+That very few people really look at the pictures in the Academy--they
+only go to meet their friends, or to say they have been there.
+
+That those who _do_ examine the works of art are wont to disparage the
+same by way of showing their superior smartness.
+
+That one picture has no chance of recognition with fourteen hundred
+others shouting at it.
+
+That all the best pavement-artists now give "one-man" shows. They can
+thus select their own "pitch," and are never ruthlessly skied.
+
+That photography in colours is coming, and then the R.A. will have to
+go.
+
+That Rembrandt, Holbein, Rubens and Vandyck were never hung at the
+summer exhibition.
+
+That Botticelli, Correggio and Titian managed to rub along without that
+privilege.
+
+That the ten-guinea frame that was bought (or owed for) this spring will
+do splendidly next year for another masterpiece.
+
+That the painter _must_ have specimens of his best work to decorate the
+somewhat bare walls of his studio.
+
+That the best test of a picture is being able to live with it--or live
+it down--so why send it away from its most lenient critic?
+
+That probably the _chef-d'oeuvre_ sent in was shown to the hanging
+committee up-side down.
+
+That, supposing they saw it properly, they were afraid that its success
+would put the Academy to the expense of having a railing placed in
+front.
+
+And finally, we would remind the rejected one that, after all, his
+bantling _has_ been exhibited in the R.A.--to the president and his
+colleagues engaged in the work of selection. Somebody at least looked at
+it for quite three seconds.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ART NOTE.--_The early Italian style._--An organ-grinder at five o'clock
+in the morning.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR FLAT.--_Extract from Lady's Correspondence._ "----In
+fact, our reception was a _complete_ success. We had some excellent
+musicians. I daresay you will wonder where we put them, with such a
+crowd of people; but we managed _capitally_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SHOW SUNDAY.--_Vandyke Browne._ "Peace, my dear lady,
+peace and refinement, those are the two essentials in an artist's
+surroundings." [_Enter Master and Miss Browne. Tableau!_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: VARNISHING DAY AMENITIES.--_Little Smudge._ "Of course, I
+know perfectly well my style isn't quite developed yet, but I feel I am,
+if I might so express it, in a _transition_ stage, don't you know,"
+_Brother Brush_ ("_skied_" _this year_). "Ah! I see, _going from bad to
+worse_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MIGHTY PEN
+
+["With this little instrument that rests so lightly in the hand, whole
+nations can be moved.... When it is poised between thumb and finger, it
+becomes a living thing--it moves with the pulsations of the living heart
+and thinking brain, and writes down, almost unconsciously, the thoughts
+that live--the words that burn.... It would be difficult to find a
+single newspaper or magazine to which we could turn for a lesson in pure
+and elegant English."--_Miss Corelli in_ "_Free Opinions Freely
+Expressed_."]
+
+    O magic pen, what wonders lie
+      Within your little length!
+    Though small and paltry to the eye
+      You boast a giant's strength.
+    Between my finger and my thumb
+    A living creature you become,
+    And to the listening world you give
+    "The words that burn--the thoughts that live."
+
+    Oft, when the sacred fire glows hot,
+      Your wizard power is proved:
+    You write till lunch, and nations not
+      Infrequently are moved;
+    'Twixt lunch and tea perhaps you damn
+    For good and all, some social sham,
+    And by the time I pause to sup--
+    Behold Carnegie crumpled up!
+
+    Through your unconscious eyes I see
+      Strange beauty, little pen!
+    You make life exquisite to me,
+      If not to other men.
+    You fill me with an inward joy
+    No outward trouble can destroy,
+    Not even when I struggle through
+    Some foolish ignorant review;
+
+    Nor when the press bad grammar scrawls
+      In wild uncultured haste,
+    And which intolerably galls
+      One's literary taste.
+    What are the editors about,
+    Whom one would think would edit out
+    The shocking English and the style
+    Which every page and line defile?
+
+    There is, alas! no magazine,
+      No paper that one knows
+    To which a man could turn for clean
+      And graceful English prose;
+    Not even, O my pen, though you
+    Yourself may write for one or two,
+    And lend to them a style, a tone,
+    A grammar that is all your own.
+
+    I see the shadows of decay
+      On all sides darkly loom;
+    Massage and manicure hold sway,
+      Cosmetics fairly boom;
+    Old dowagers and budding maids
+    Alike affect complexion-aids,
+    While middle age with anxious care
+    Dyes to restore its dwindling hair.
+
+    The time is out of joint, but still
+      I am not hopeless quite
+    So long as you exist, my quill,
+      Once more to set it right.
+    Woman will cease from rouge, I think,
+    Man pour his hair-wash down the sink,
+    If you will yet consent to give
+    "The words that burn--the thoughts that live."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A HINT FOR THE PUBLISHERS.
+
+As the publishing season will soon be in full play--which means that
+there will be plenty of work--we suggest the following as titles of
+books, to succeed the publication of "People I have Met," by an
+American:--
+
+People I have taken into Custody, by a Policeman.
+
+People that have Met me Half-way, by an Insolvent.
+
+People I have Splashed, by a Scavenger.
+
+People I have Done, by a Jew Bill-discounter.
+
+People I have Abused, by a 'Bus Conductor.
+
+People I have Run Over, by a Butcher's Boy.
+
+People I have Run Against, by a Sweep.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A ROARING TRADE.--Keeping a menagerie.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: COMPLIMENTS ONE MIGHT IMPROVE ON.--_Mrs. Mudge._ "I _do_
+admire the women you draw, Mr. Penink. They're _so_ beautiful and _so_
+refined! Tell me, _who_ is your model?" [_Mrs. Mudge rises in Mrs.
+Penink's opinion._]
+
+_Penink._ "Oh, my wife always sits for me!"
+
+_Mrs. Mudge_ (_with great surprise_). "You don't say so! Well, I think
+you're one of the _cleverest_ men I know!" [_Mrs. Penink's opinion of
+Mrs. Mudge falls below zero._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER."--_George_ (_Itinerant
+Punch-and-Judy Showman_). "I say, Bill, she _do_ draw!"
+
+_Bill_ (_his partner, with drum and box of puppets_). "H'm--it's more
+than _we_ can!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "SELECTION."--_Brown_ (_as he was leaving our Art
+Conversazione, after a rattling scramble in the cloak-room_). "Confound
+it! Got my own hat, after all!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Eccentric Old Gent_ (_whose pet aversion is a dirty
+child_). "Go away, you dirty girl, and wash your face!"
+
+_Indignant Youngster._ "You go 'ome, you dirty old man, and do yer
+'air!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUSICAL FACT.--People are apt to complain of the vile tunes that are
+played about the streets by grinding organs, and yet they may all be
+said to be the music of Handle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IS THERE ROOM FOR MARY THERE?
+
+SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Photographer._ "I think this is an excellent portrait of
+your wife."
+
+_Mr. Smallweed._ "I don't know--sort of _repose_ about the _mouth_ that
+somehow doesn't seem right."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE GREAT PRIZE FIGHT.--_Johnnie_ (_who finds that his
+box_, £_20_, _has been appropriated by "the Fancy"_). "I beg your
+pardon, but this is _my_ box!"
+
+_Bill Bashford._ "Oh, is it? Well, why don't you tike it?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WITHOUT PREJUDICE.--_Ugly Man_ (_who thinks he's a
+privileged wag, to artist_). "Now, Mr. _Daub_igny, draw me."
+
+_Artist_ (_who doesn't like being called _Daub_igny, and whose real name
+is Smith_). "Certainly. But you _won't_ be offended if it's _like_ you.
+Eh?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Scrimble._ "So sorry I've none of my work to show you.
+Fact is, I've just sent all my pictures to the Academy."
+
+_Mrs. Macmillions._ "What a pity! I did so much want to see them. How
+soon do you expect them back?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE YOUNG NOVELIST'S GUIDE TO MEDICINE
+
+CHLOROFORM. Invaluable to writers of sensational stories. Every
+high-class fictionary criminal carries a bottle in his pocket. A few
+drops, spread on a handkerchief and waved within a yard of the hero's
+nose, will produce a state of complete unconsciousness lasting for
+several hours, within which time his pockets may be searched at leisure.
+This property of chloroform, familiar to every expert novelist, seems to
+have escaped the notice of the medical profession.
+
+CONSUMPTION. The regulation illness for use in tales of mawkish pathos.
+Very popular some years ago, when the heroine made farewell speeches in
+blank verse, and died to slow music. Fortunately, however, the public
+has lost its fondness for work of this sort. Consumption at its last
+stage is easily curable (in novels) by the reappearance of a hero
+supposed to be dead. Two pages later the heroine will gain strength in a
+way which her doctors--not unnaturally--will describe as "perfectly
+marvellous." And in the next chapter the marriage-bells will ring.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+DOCTOR. Always include a doctor among your characters. He is quite easy
+to manage, and invariably will belong to one of these three types: (_a_)
+The eminent specialist. Tall, imperturbable, urbane. Only comes
+incidentally into the story. (_b_) Young, bustling, energetic. Not much
+practice, and plenty of time to look after other people's affairs.
+Hard-headed and practical. Often the hero's college friend. Should be
+given a pretty girl to marry in the last chapter. (_c_) The old family
+doctor. Benevolent, genial, wise. Wears gold-rimmed spectacles, which he
+has to take off and wipe at the pathetic parts of the book.
+
+FEVER. A nice, useful term for fictionary illnesses. It is best to avoid
+mention of specific symptoms, beyond that of "a burning brow," though,
+if there are any family secrets which need to be revealed, delirium is
+sure to supervene at a later stage. _Arthur Pendennis_, for instance,
+had fictional "fever," and baffled doctors have endeavoured ever since
+to find out what really was the matter with him. "Brain-fever," again,
+is unknown to the medical faculty, but you may safely afflict your
+intellectual hero with it. The treatment of fictionary fever is quite
+simple, consisting solely of frequent doses of grapes and cooling
+drinks. These will be brought to the sufferer by the heroine, and these
+simple remedies administered in this way have never been known to fail.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+FRACTURE. After one of your characters has come a cropper in the
+hunting-field he will be taken on a hurdle to the nearest house:
+usually, by a strange coincidence, the heroine's home. And he will be
+said to have sustained "a compound fracture"--a vague description which
+will quite satisfy your readers.
+
+GOUT. An invaluable disease to the humorist. Remember that heroes and
+heroines are entirely immune from it, but every rich old uncle is bound
+to suffer from it. The engagement of his niece to an impecunious young
+gentleman invariably coincides with a sharp attack of gout. The humour
+of it all is, perhaps, a little difficult to see, but it never fails to
+tickle the public.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+HEART DISEASE. An excellent complaint for killing off a villain. If you
+wish to pave the way for it artistically, this is the recognised method:
+On page 100 he will falter in the middle of a sentence, grow pale, and
+press his hand sharply to his side. In a moment he will have recovered,
+and will assure his anxious friends that it is nothing. But the reader
+knows better. He has met the same premonitory symptoms in scores of
+novels, and he will not be in the least surprised when, on the middle of
+page 250, the villain suddenly drops dead.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNPOPULAR GAME AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY.--"High-sky-high!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A ROUGH WINE.--Rude-sheimer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NERVOUS.--Mrs. Malaprop was induced to go to a music hall the other
+evening. She never means to set foot in one again. The extortions some
+of the performers threw themselves into quite upset her.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR A MODEL MUSIC-HALL ENTERTAINMENT.--"Everything in its 'turn'
+and nothing long."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BREAKING IT GENTLY.--_His Cousins._ "We sent off the wire
+to stop your model coming. But you had put one word too many--so we
+struck it out."
+
+_Real Artist._ "Oh, indeed. What word did you strike out?"
+
+_His Cousins._ "You had written 'he wasn't to come, as you had only just
+discovered you couldn't paint to-day.' So we crossed out '_to-day_.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE STATE OF THE MARKET.--_Artist_ (_to customer_, _who
+has come to buy on behalf of a large furnishing firm in Tottenham Court
+Road_): "How would this suit you? 'Summer'!"
+
+_Customer_: "H'm--'Summer.' Well, sir, the fact is we find there's very
+little demand for _green_ goods just now. If you had a line of _autumn
+tints_ now--that's the article we find most sale for among our
+customers!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Our Amateur Romeo_ (_who has taken a cottage in the
+country, so as to be able to study without interruption_). "Arise, fair
+sun, and kill the envious moon----"
+
+_Owner of rubicund countenance_ (_popping head over the hedge_), "Beg
+pardon, zur! Be you a talkin' to Oi, zur?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BITTERS AT THE CLUB
+
+_MacStodge_ (_Pictor ignotus_). "Who's that going out?"
+
+_O'Duffer_ (_Pictor ignotissimus_). "One Ernest Raphael Sopely, who
+painted Lady Midas!"
+
+_MacStodge._ "Oh, the artist!"
+
+_O'Duffer._ "No. _The Royal Academician!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LA VIE DE BOHÈME.--_First Bohemian_ (_to second ditto_).
+"I can't for the life of me think why you wasted all that time haggling
+with that tailor chap, and beating him down, when you know, old chap,
+you won't be able to pay him at all."
+
+_Second Bohemian._ "Ah, that's _it_! _I_ have a conscience. I want the
+poor chap to lose as little as possible!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Little Guttersnipe_ (_who is getting quite used to
+posing_). "Will yer want me ter tike my bun down?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Genial Doctor_ (_after laughing heartily at a joke of
+his patient's_). "Ha! ha! ha! There's not much the matter with _you_!
+Though I do believe that if you were on your death-bed you'd make a
+joke!"
+
+_Irrepressible Patient._ "Why, of course I should. It would be my last
+chance!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _She_ (_to Raphael Greene_, _who paints gems for the R.A.
+that are never accepted_). "I _do_ hope you'll be hung this year. I'm
+sure you deserve to be!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ART INTELLIGENCE
+
+_She_ (_reads_). "There are upwards of fifty English painters and
+sculptors now in Rome----"
+
+_He_ (_British Philistine--served on a late celebrated jury!_). "Ah! no
+wonder we couldn't get that scullery white-washed!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Devoted little wife_ (_to hubbie, who has been late at
+the club_). "Now, dear, see, your breakfast is quite ready. A nice
+kipper, grilled chicken and mushrooms with bacon, poached eggs on
+toast--tea and coffee. Anything else you'd like, dearie?"
+
+_Victim of last night_ (_groans_). "Yes--an appetite!" [_Collapses._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AFTER FEEDING-TIME.--_Showman of Travelling Menagerie._
+"Now, ladies and gentlemen, we come to the most interesting part of the
+'ole exhibition! Seven different species of hanimals, in the same cage,
+dwellin' in 'armony. You could see them with the naked heye, only you
+have come too late. They are all now inside the lion!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO BILLIARD PLAYERS.--If you would obey the _rules_ of billiards, always
+attend to the _cannons_ of the game.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SUSPENSORY ACT.--Hanging the Academy exhibition.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THE BILLIARD ROOM.--_Major Carambole._ I never give any bribes to the
+club servants on principle.
+
+_Captain Hazard._ Then I suppose the marker looks on the tip of your cue
+without interest.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN A BAR, NEWMARKET.--_Seedy Individual_ (_to Knowing
+One_). "D'yer want to buy a diamond pin cheap?"
+
+_Knowing One._ "'Ere, get out of this! What d'you take me for? A
+juggins?"
+
+_S. I._ "Give yer my word it's worth sixty quid if it's worth a penny.
+And you can 'ave it for a tenner."
+
+_K. O._ "Let's 'ave a look at it. Where is it?"
+
+_S. I._ "In that old gent's tie. _Will yer 'ave it?_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS
+
+  "Yew harxed me woy hoi larved when larve should be
+  A thing hun-der-eamed hof larve twixt yew han me.
+  Yew moight hin-tereat the sun tew cease tew she-oine
+  Has seek tew sty saw deep a larve has moine."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SHAKSPEARE ILLUSTRATED
+
+"Oh, my prophetic soul! My uncle!"
+
+    _Hamlet_, Act I., Sc. 5.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BROTHER ARTIST
+
+["We have regularly attended the Academy now for many years,
+but never do we remember such a poor show of portraits;
+they cannot prove to be otherwise than the laughing-stock
+of tailors and their customers."--_Tailor and Cutter._]
+
+    The tailor leaned upon his goose,
+      And wiped away a tear:
+    "What portraits painting-men produce,"
+      He sobbed, "from year to year!
+    These fellows make their sitters smile
+      In suits that do not fit,
+    They're wrongly buttoned, and the style
+      Is not the thing a bit.
+
+    "Oh, artist, I'm an artist too!
+      I bid you use restraint,
+    And only show your sitters, do,
+      In fitting coats of paint;
+    In vain you crown those errant seams
+      With smiles that look ethereal,
+    For man may be the stuff of dreams--
+      But dreams are not material."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEDICAL.--A sculptor friend, who has strabismus, consoles himself with
+the thought that he can always keep his profession in view through
+having a cast in his eye.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Frame-maker_ (_to gifted amateur, who is ordering frames
+for a few prints and sketches_). "Ah, I suppose you want something cheap
+an' ordinary for _this_?"
+
+[_N.B._--_"This" was a cherished little sketch by our amateur himself._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOT QUITE THE SAME.--Scene: _Exhibition of Works of Art._
+
+_Dealer_ (_to friend, indicating stout person closely examining a
+Vandyke_). Do you know who _that_ is? I so often see him about.
+
+_Friend._ I know him. He's a collector.
+
+_Dealer_ (_much interested_). Indeed! What does he collect? Pictures?
+
+_Friend._ No. Income tax.
+
+[_Exeunt severally._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ART CLASS.--_Inspector._ What is a "landscape painter"?
+
+_Student._ A painter of landscapes.
+
+_Inspector._ Good. What is an "animal painter"?
+
+_Student._ A painter of animals.
+
+_Inspector._ Excellent. What is a "marine painter"?
+
+_Student._ A painter of marines.
+
+_Inspector._ Admirable! Go and tell it them. Call next class.
+
+[_Exeunt students._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEST "PUBLISHER'S CIRCULAR."--A round dining-table.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SOCIAL AGONIES.--_Anxious Musician_ (_in a whisper_, _to
+Mrs. Lyon Hunter's butler_). "Where's my cello?"
+
+_Butler_ (_in stentorian tones_, _to the room_). "Signor Weresmicello!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Brown._ "Pity Jones has lost--his figure!"
+
+_Robinson._ "Not _lost_, but gone before!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Enthusiastic Briton_ (_to seedy American_, _who has been
+running down all our national monuments_). "But even if our Houses of
+Parliament 'aren't in it,' as you say, with the Masonic Temple of
+Chicago, surely, sir, you will admit the Thames Embankment, for
+instance----"
+
+_Seedy American._ "Waal, _guess_ I don't think so durned much of your
+Thames Embankment, neither. It _rained_ all the blarmed time the night I
+_slep on it_."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PROFESSIONAL VIEW OF THINGS.--Old Paynter never neglects any
+opportunity for advancing art. Every evening he has the cloth drawn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BEVERAGE FOR A MUSICIAN.--Thorough bass.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POETICAL LICENCE.--A music-hall's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TURF REFORM.--Mowing your lawn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MONSTER MEETING..--A giant and a dwarf.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SOAKER'S PARADISE.--Dropmore.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FINIS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch in Bohemia, by Various
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch in Bohemia, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Mr. Punch in Bohemia
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: J. A. Hammerton
+
+Illustrator: Various
+
+Release Date: April 14, 2011 [EBook #35874]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH IN BOHEMIA ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, David Edwards and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<br />
+<h3>TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE.</h3>
+
+<center>Some pages of this work have been moved from the original
+sequence to enable the contents to continue without interruption.
+The page numbering remains unaltered.</center>
+<br />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Cover" id="Cover">[Cover]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i001.png">
+<img src="images/i001.png" width="100%" alt="title page" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<h1>MR. PUNCH IN BOHEMIA</h1>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3>PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR</h3><br />
+
+<center>Edited by <span class="smcap">J. A. Hammerton</span></center>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/i002.png">
+<img src="images/i002.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p>Designed to provide in a series
+of volumes, each complete in itself,
+the cream of our national humour,
+contributed by the masters of
+comic draughtsmanship and the
+leading wits of the age to "Punch,"
+from its beginning in 1841 to the
+present day.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span></p><hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i003.png">
+<img src="images/i003.png" width="100%" alt="SHAKSPEARE ILLUSTRATED" /></a>
+<h3>SHAKSPEARE ILLUSTRATED</h3>
+"Tedious as a twice-told tale,<br />
+Vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man."<br />
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>King John.</i> Act III., Sc. 4.<br />
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span></p><hr />
+
+<h3>MR. PUNCH IN BOHEMIA</h3>
+<h4>OR THE LIGHTER SIDE OF LITERARY, ARTISTIC<br />
+AND PROFESSIONAL LIFE</h4>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 20%">
+<a href="images/i004.png">
+<img src="images/i004.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">AS PICTURED BY</span><br />
+
+PHIL MAY,<br />
+CHARLES KEENE,<br />
+GEORGE DU MAURIER,<br />
+DUDLEY HARDY,<br />
+FRED PEGRAM,<br />
+F. H. TOWNSEND,<br />
+LEWIS <br />BAUMER,<br />
+L. RAVEN-HILL,<br />
+J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE,<br />
+E. T. REED,<br />
+H. M. BROCK,<br />
+C. E. BROCK,<br />
+TOM BROWNE,<br />
+GUNNING KING,<br />
+HARRY FURNISS,<br />
+A. WALLIS MILLS,<br />
+G. L. STAMPA,<br />
+AND OTHERS<br /><br /><br />
+
+<i>156 ILLUSTRATIONS</i><br /><br />
+
+<span class="smcap">PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH</span>
+THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"</center>
+
+<h4>THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span></p><hr />
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">The Punch library of Humour</span></h3>
+
+<center><i>Twenty-five Volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages
+fully illustrated</i><br /><br />
+
+LIFE IN LONDON<br />
+<br />
+COUNTRY LIFE<br />
+<br />
+IN THE HIGHLANDS<br />
+<br />
+SCOTTISH HUMOUR<br />
+<br />
+IRISH HUMOUR<br />
+<br />
+COCKNEY HUMOUR<br />
+<br />
+IN SOCIETY<br />
+<br />
+AFTER DINNER STORIES<br />
+<br />
+IN BOHEMIA<br />
+<br />
+AT THE PLAY<br />
+<br />
+MR. PUNCH AT HOME<br />
+<br />
+ON THE CONTINONG<br />
+<br />
+RAILWAY BOOK<br />
+<br />
+AT THE SEASIDE<br />
+<br />
+MR. PUNCH AFLOAT<br />
+<br />
+IN THE HUNTING FIELD<br />
+<br />
+MR. PUNCH ON TOUR<br />
+<br />
+WITH ROD AND GUN<br />
+<br />
+MR. PUNCH AWHEEL<br />
+<br />
+BOOK OF SPORTS<br />
+<br />
+GOLF STORIES<br />
+<br />
+IN WIG AND GOWN<br />
+<br />
+ON THE WARPATH<br />
+<br />
+BOOK OF LOVE<br />
+<br />
+WITH THE CHILDREN<br />
+</center>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i005.png">
+<img src="images/i005.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span></p><hr />
+
+<h2>THE WAY TO BOHEMIA</h2>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/i006.png">
+<img src="images/i006.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p>Time was when Bohemianism
+was synonymous
+with soiled linen and unkempt
+locks. But those
+days of the ragged
+Bohemia have happily
+passed away, and that
+land of unconventional life&mdash;which
+had finally grown
+conventional in its characteristics&mdash;has
+now become
+"a sphere of influence" of
+Modern Society! In a
+word, it is now respectable. There are those who firmly
+believe it has been wiped off the social map. The dress suit
+and the proprieties are thought by some to be incompatible
+with its existence. But it is not so; the new Bohemia is
+surely no less delightful than the old. The way to it is
+through the doors of almost any of the well-known literary
+and art clubs of London. Its inhabitants are our artists,
+our men of letters, our musicians, and, above all, our actors.</p>
+
+<p>In the present volume we are under the guidance of
+Mr. Punch, himself the very flower of London's Bohemia,
+into this land of light-hearted laughter and the free-and-easy<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span>
+manner of living. We shall follow him chiefly through
+the haunts of the knights of the pen and pencil, as we
+have another engagement to spend some agreeable hours
+with him in the theatrical and musical world. It should be
+noted, however, that we shall not be limited to what has
+been called "Upper Bohemia", but that we shall, thanks to
+his vast experience, be able to peep both at the old and new.</p>
+
+<p>Easily first amongst the artists who have depicted the
+humours of Bohemia is Phil May. Keene and Du Maurier
+run him close, but their Bohemia is on the whole more
+artistic, less breezily, raggedly, hungrily unconventional than
+his. It is a subject that has inspired him with some of his
+best jokes, and some of his finest drawings.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 20%">
+<a href="images/i007.png">
+<img src="images/i007.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i008.png">
+<img src="images/i008.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<h2>MR. PUNCH IN BOHEMIA</h2>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The Invalid Author</span>.&mdash;<i>Wife.</i> "Why, nurse
+is reading a book, darling! Who gave it her?"
+<i>Husband.</i> "<i>I</i> did, my dear." <i>Wife.</i> "What
+book is it?" <i>Husband.</i> "It's my last." <i>Wife.</i>
+"Darling! When you <i>knew</i> how important it is
+that <i>she shouldn't go to sleep</i>!"</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Bookworm's Observation.</span>&mdash;When a man
+has got turned of 70, he is in the appendix of life.</center><br />
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Table of Contents.</span>&mdash;The dinner table.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i009.png">
+<img src="images/i009.png" width="100%" alt="THE GRUB AND THE BUTTERFLY" /></a>
+<h3>THE GRUB AND THE BUTTERFLY</h3>
+<h4>I.</h4>
+<p>"All right, sir. I'll just wash 'er face, sir, and then she
+shall come round to your stoodio, sir."</p>
+</div>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i010.png">
+<img src="images/i010.png" width="100%" alt="Here&#39;s a little girl" /></a>
+<h4>II.</h4>
+<p>"Here's a little girl come for you, sir!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>PUNCH'S PROVERBS</h2>
+
+<p>Most sticks have two ends, and a muff gets hold
+of the wrong one.</p>
+
+<p>The good boy studies his lesson; the bad boy
+gets it.</p>
+
+<p>If sixpence were sunshine, it would never be lost
+in the giving.</p>
+
+<p>The man that is happy in all things will rejoice
+in potatoes.</p>
+
+<p>Three removes are better than a dessert.</p>
+
+<p>Dinner deferred maketh the hungry man mad.</p>
+
+<p>Bacon without liver is food for the mind.</p>
+
+<p>Forty winks or five million is one sleep.</p>
+
+<p>You don't go to the Mansion House for
+skilligolee.</p>
+
+<p>Three may keep counsel if they retain a barrister.</p>
+
+<p>What is done cannot be underdone.</p>
+
+<p>You can't make a pair of shoes out of a pig's tail.</p>
+
+<p>Dinner hour is worth every other, except bedtime.</p>
+
+<p>No hairdresser puts grease into a wise man's
+head.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>An upright judge for a downright rogue.</p>
+
+<p>Happiness is the hindmost horse in the Derby.</p>
+
+<p>Look before you sit.</p>
+
+<p>Bear and forebear is Bruin and tripe.</p>
+
+<p>Believe twice as much as you hear of a lady's age.</p>
+
+<p>Content is the conjuror that turns mock-turtle
+into real.</p>
+
+<p>There is no one who perseveres in well-doing
+like a thorough humbug.</p>
+
+<p>The loosest fish that drinks is tight.</p>
+
+<p>Education won't polish boots.</p>
+
+<p>Experience is the mother of gumption.</p>
+
+<p>Half-a-crown is better than no bribe.</p>
+
+<p>Utopia hath no law.</p>
+
+<p>There is no cruelty in whipping cream.</p>
+
+<p>Care will kill a cat; carelessness a Christian.</p>
+
+<p>He who lights his candle at both ends, spills
+grease.</p>
+
+<p>Keep your jokes to yourself, and repeat other
+people's.</p>
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<center><span class="smcap">The Best Text-book for Pugilists</span>.&mdash;Knox
+on anatomy.</center><br />
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Acrobats' Tipple.</span>&mdash;Champagne in tumblers.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i011.png">
+<img src="images/i011.png" width="100%" alt="What our Artist has to put up with" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">What our Artist has to put up with.</span>&mdash;<i>Fond Mother.</i> "I
+<i>do</i> wish you would look over some of my little boy's sketches, and
+give me your candid opinion on them. They strike me as perfectly
+marvellous for one so young. The other day he drew a horse and
+cart, and, I can assure you, you could scarcely tell the difference."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i012.png">
+<img src="images/i012.png" width="100%" alt="I came in a hat" /></a>
+<h3>OUR SMOKING CONCERT</h3>
+<p><i>Irate Member.</i> "Well, I'll take my oath I came in a
+hat!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>EDITORS</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>["Editors, behind their officialism, are human just like
+other folks, for they think and they work, they laugh and they
+play, they marry&mdash;just as others do. The best of them are
+brimful of human nature, sympathetic and kindly, and full of
+the zest of life and its merry ways."&mdash;<i>Round About</i>.]</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>To look at, the ordinary editor is so like a
+human being that it takes an expert to tell the
+difference.</p>
+
+<p>When quite young they make excellent pets,
+but for some strange reason people never confess
+that they have editors in the house.</p>
+
+<p>Marriage is not uncommon among editors, and
+monogamy is the rule rather than the exception.</p>
+
+<p>The chief hobby of an editor is the collection of
+stamped addressed envelopes, which are sent to him
+in large numbers. No one knows why he should
+want so many of these, but we believe he is under
+the impression that by collecting a million of them
+he will be able to get a child into some hospital.</p>
+
+<p>Of course in these enlightened days it is illegal
+to shoot editors, while to destroy their young is
+tantamount to murder.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i013.png">
+<img src="images/i013.png" width="100%" alt="Country Cousin" /></a>
+<p><i>Country Cousin</i> (<i>looking at Index of R. A. Catalogue</i>).
+"Uncle, what does 1, 3, 6, 8, after a man's name, mean?"</p>
+<p><i>Uncle</i> (<i>who has been dragged there much against his will</i>).
+"Eh! What? 1, 3&mdash;&mdash;Oh, <i>Telephone number</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i014.png">
+<img src="images/i014.png" width="100%" alt="In the Artist&#39;s Room." /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">In the Artist's Room.</span>&mdash;<i>Potztausend.</i> "My friend, it is kolossal!
+most remark-worthy! You remind me on Rubinstein; but you
+are better as he." <i>Pianist (pleased).</i> "Indeed! How?"
+<i>Potztausend.</i> "In de bersbiration. My friend Rubinstein could
+never bersbire so moch!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i015.png">
+<img src="images/i015.png" width="100%" alt="Brothers in Art." /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">Brothers in Art.</span>&mdash;<i>New Arrival.</i> "What should I
+charge for teaching ze pianoforte?" <i>Old Stager.</i> "Oh,
+I don't know." <i>N. A.</i> "Vell, tell me vot <i>you</i> charge."
+<i>O. S.</i> "<i>I</i> charge five guineas a lesson." <i>N. A.</i> "Himmel!
+how many pupils have you got?" <i>O. S.</i> "Oh, I have no
+pupils!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>A DIVISION OF LABOUR</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>["<i>Journalism.</i>&mdash;Gentleman (barrister) offers furnished
+bedroom in comfortable, cheerful chambers in Temple in
+return for equivalent journalistic assistance, &amp;c."&mdash;<i>Times.</i>]</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The "equivalent" is rather a nice point. <i>Mr.
+Punch</i> suggests for other gentlemen barristers the
+following table of equivalence:&mdash;</p>
+
+<table summary="Equivalents list">
+<tr><td>1 furnished bedroom.</td><td>=&nbsp;&nbsp;</td><td>1 introduction (by letter) to
+sub-editor of daily paper.</td></tr>
+<tr><td></td><td></td><td></td></tr>
+<tr><td>1 furnished bedroom with use of bath.</td><td>=&nbsp;&nbsp;</td><td>1 introduction (personal) to sub-editor.</td></tr>
+<tr><td></td><td></td><td></td></tr>
+<tr><td>1 bed-sitting-room.</td><td>=&nbsp;&nbsp;</td><td>1 introduction and interview (five minutes guaranteed) with editor.</td></tr>
+<tr><td></td><td></td><td></td></tr>
+<tr><td>2 furnished rooms.</td><td>=&nbsp;&nbsp;</td><td>1 lunch (cold) with Dr. Robertson Nicoll.</td></tr>
+<tr><td></td><td></td><td></td></tr>
+<tr><td>2 furnished rooms, with use of bath.</td><td>=&nbsp;&nbsp;</td><td>1 lunch (hot) with Dr. Nicoll
+and Claudius Clear.</td></tr>
+<tr><td></td><td></td><td></td></tr>
+<tr><td>1 furnished flat, with all modern conveniences, electric light, trams to the corner, &amp;c.</td><td>=&nbsp;&nbsp;</td><td>1 bridge night with Lord Northcliffe, Sir George Newnes, and Mr. C. A. Pearson.</td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<center>When is an author most likely to be sick of his
+own writing?<br /><br />
+
+When he's regularly <i>in the swing</i>.</center><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i016.png">
+<img src="images/i016.png" width="100%" alt="DRINK TO ME ONLY WITH THINE EYES" /></a>
+<h4>DRINK TO ME ONLY WITH THINE EYES</h4>
+<h3>SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i017.png">
+<img src="images/i017.png" width="100%" alt="Little Griggs" /></a>
+<p><i>Little Griggs</i> (<i>to caricaturist</i>). "By Jove, old feller, I wish you'd
+been with me this morning; you'd have seen such a funny looking
+chap!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i018.png">
+<img src="images/i018.png" width="100%" alt="You must have painted uncommonly well" title="" /></a>
+<p>(<i>Model wishing to say something pleasant.</i>) "You must have
+painted uncommonly well when you were young!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dinner and Dress.</span>&mdash;Full dress is not incompatible
+with low dress. At dinner it is not generally
+the roast or the boiled that are not dressed enough.
+If young men are raw, that does not much signify
+but it is not nice to see girls underdone.</p>
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<center><span class="smcap">A Cheap Bath.</span>&mdash;A farthing dip.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>"<span class="smcap">Light Dues.</span>"&mdash;Photographers' charges.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>"<span class="smcap">Lettered Ease.</span>"&mdash;The catalogue of the
+British Museum.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">A Professional View of Things.</span>&mdash;Trecalfe,
+our bookseller, who has recently got married, says
+of his wife, that he feels that her life is bound up in
+his.</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<h3>TAVERN WINE MEASURE</h3>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="volumes">
+<tr><td>2 sips</td><td>make</td><td>1 glass.</td></tr>
+<tr><td>2 glasses&nbsp;&nbsp;</td><td>make</td><td>1 pint.</td></tr>
+<tr><td>2 pints</td><td>makes</td><td>1 quart bottle.</td></tr>
+<tr><td>1 bottle</td><td>makes</td><td>one ill.</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Boarding-out System.</span>&mdash;Dining at the
+club.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i019.png">
+<img src="images/i019.png" width="100%" alt="Beauty and the Beast" /></a>
+<p><i>Mrs. Mashem.</i> "<i>Bull-bull</i> and I have been sitting for our
+photographs as 'Beauty and the Beast'!"</p>
+<p><i>Lord Loreus</i> (<i>a bit of a fancier</i>). "Yes; he certainly <i>is</i> a beauty, isn't he?"]</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Short Rules for Calculation.</span>&mdash;<i>To Find
+the Value of a Dozen Articles.</i>&mdash;Send them to a
+magazine, and double the sum offered by the
+proprietor.</p>
+
+<p><i>Another Way.</i>&mdash;Send them to the butterman,
+who will not only fix their value, but their weight,
+at per pound.</p>
+
+<p><i>To Find the Value of a Pound at any price.</i>&mdash;Try
+to borrow one, when you are desperately hard up.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><i>Member of the Lyceum Club.</i> Have you read
+Tolstoi's "Resurrection"?</p>
+
+<p><i>Member of the Cavalry Club.</i> No. Is that the
+name of Marie Corelli's new book?</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">CONVIVIAL TOAST</span>
+(<i>For a Temperance Fête</i>)<br /><br />
+
+<span class="smcap">Fill</span> high: Drink <i>L'eau</i>.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><i>First Reveller</i> (<i>on the following morning</i>). "I
+say, is it true you were the only sober man last
+night?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Reveller.</i> "Of course not!"</p>
+
+<p><i>First Reveller.</i> "Who was, then?"</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">An Ugly Bargain.</span>&mdash;A cheap bull-dog.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i020.png">
+<img src="images/i020.png" width="100%" alt="Three Musketeers" /></a>
+<h3>THE DUMAS CRAZE</h3>
+<p><i>Brown</i> (<i>who, with his friends Jones and Robinson, is in town
+for a week and is "going it"</i>). "Now, Mr. Costumier, we
+are going to this 'ere ball, and we want you to make us
+hup as the Three Musketeers!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i021.png">
+<img src="images/i021.png" width="100%" alt="A Cheerful Prospect" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">A Cheerful Prospect.</span>&mdash;<i>Jones.</i> "I say, Miss Golightly,
+it's awfully good of you to accompany me, you know. If
+I've tried this song once, I've tried it a dozen times&mdash;<i>and
+I've always broken down in the third verse!</i>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i022.png">
+<img src="images/i022.png" width="100%" alt="Beyond Praise" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">Beyond Praise.</span>&mdash;<i>Roscius.</i> "But you haven't got a
+word of praise for anyone. I should like to know who
+you would consider a finished artist?"</p>
+<p><i>Criticus.</i> "A dead one, my boy&mdash;a dead one!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Stale News Freshly Told.</span>&mdash;A physician
+cannot obtain recovery of his fees, although he
+may cause the recovery of his patient.</p>
+
+<p>Dress may be seized for rent, and a coat without
+cuffs may be collared by the broker.</p>
+
+<p>A married woman can acquire nothing, the
+proper tie of marriage making all she has the
+proper-ty of her husband.</p>
+
+<p>You may purchase any stamp at the stamp-office,
+except the stamp of a gentleman.</p>
+
+<p>Pawnbrokers take such enormous interest in
+their little pledges, that if they were really pledges
+of affection, the interest taken could hardly be
+exceeded.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The Authors of our own Pleasures.</span>&mdash;Next
+to the pleasure of having done a good action,
+there is nothing so sweet as the pleasure of having
+written a good article!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Change for the Better.</span>&mdash;When the organ
+nuisance shall have been swept away from our
+streets, that fearful instrument of ear-piercing
+torture called the hurdy-gurdy will then (thank
+Parliament!) be known as the <i>un-heardy</i>-gurdy.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i023.png">
+<img src="images/i023.png" width="100%" alt="SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS" /></a>
+<h4>MY MOTHER BIDS ME BIND MY HAIR</h4>
+<h3>SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>A FEW GOLDEN RULES TRANSMUTED INTO BRASS</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">The Golden Rule.</span></h3>
+
+<p>1. Never put off till to-morrow what you can
+do to-day.</p>
+
+<p>2. Never trouble another for a trifle which you
+can do yourself.</p>
+
+<p>3. Never spend your money before you have
+it, if you would make the most of your means.</p>
+
+<p>4. Nothing is troublesome that we do willingly.</p>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">The Brazen Rule.</span></h3>
+
+<p>1. Put off till to-morrow the dun who won't be
+done to-day.</p>
+
+<p>2. When another would trouble you for a trifle,
+never trouble yourself.</p>
+
+<p>3. Spend your money before you have it; and
+when you have it, spend it again, for by so doing
+you enjoy your means twice, instead of only once.</p>
+
+<p>4. You have only to do a creditor willingly, and
+he will never be troublesome.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Literary Pursuit.</span>&mdash;Chasing a newspaper
+in a high wind.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i024.png">
+<img src="images/i024.png" width="100%" alt="The True Test" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">The True Test.</span>&mdash;
+<i>First Screever</i> (<i>stopping before a pastel in a
+picture dealer's window</i>). "Ullo 'Erbert, look 'ere! Chalks!"</p>
+<p><i>Second Screever.</i> "Ah, very tricky, I dessay. But you set that chap
+on the pivement alongside o' you an' me, to dror 'arf a salmon an' a
+nempty 'at, an' where 'ud 'e be?"</p>
+<p><i>First Screever.</i> "Ah!"</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Exeunt ambo.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Musical News (Noose).</span>&mdash;We perceive from a
+foreign paper that a criminal who has been imprisoned
+for a considerable period at Presburg has
+acquired a complete mastery over the violin. It
+has been announced that he will shortly make an
+appearance in public. Doubtless, his performance
+will be <i>a solo on one string</i>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><i>Sporting Prophet</i> (<i>playing billiards</i>). Marker,
+here's the tip off this cue as usual.</p>
+
+<p><i>Marker.</i> Yes, sir. Better give us one of your
+"tips," sir, as <i>they never come off</i>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Art Dogma.</span>&mdash;An artist's wife never admires
+her husband's work so much as when he is drawing
+her a cheque.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The United Effort of Six Royal
+Academicians.</span>&mdash;What colour is it that contains
+several? An umber (<i>a number</i>).</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mem. at Burlington House.</span>&mdash;A picture
+may be "capitally executed" without of necessity
+being "well hung." And <i>vice versâ</i>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Schism to be Approved of.</span>&mdash;&mdash;A witticism.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i025.png">
+<img src="images/i025.png" width="100%" alt="Excelsior" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Excelsior!</span></h3>
+<p><i>She.</i> "I didn't know you were a <i>musician</i>, Herr Müller."</p>
+<p><i>He.</i> "A musician? Ach, no&mdash;Gott vorpit! I am a <i>Wagnerian</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">An Author's Cry of Agony</span></h3>
+
+<p>(<i>Wrung from him by the repeated calls of the printer's boy</i>)</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! that devils' visits were, like angels', 'few
+and far between!'"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Riddles by a Wretch.</span></h3>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> What is the difference between a surgeon and a wizard?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> The one is a cupper and the other is a
+sorcerer.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Why is America like the act of reflection?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Because it is a roomy-nation.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Why is your pretty cousin like an alabaster
+vase?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Because she is an <i>objet de looks</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> How is it that a man born in Truro can
+never be an Irishman?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Because he always is a true-Roman.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Why is my game cock like a bishop?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Because he has his crows here (<i>crozier</i>).</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>COUPLET BY A CYNIC</h3>
+
+<center>(<i>After reading certain Press Comments on the Picture
+Show</i>)</center>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Philistine art may stand all critic shocks</p>
+<p class="i0">Whilst it gives private views&mdash;of pretty frocks!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i026.png">
+<img src="images/i026.png" width="100%" alt="Retaliation" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Retaliation.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Comic Man</i> (<i>to unappreciated tenor, whose song has just been received in stony silence</i>).
+"I say, you're not going to sing an encore, are you?"</p>
+<p><i>Unappreciated Tenor</i> (<i>firmly</i>). "Yes, I am.
+<i>Serve them right!</i>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i027.png">
+<img src="images/i027.png" width="100%" alt="An Inducement" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">An Inducement.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Swedish Exercise Instructress.</i> "Now, ladies, if you will only
+follow my directions carefully, it is quite possible that you may become even as I am!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i028.png">
+<img src="images/i028.png" width="100%" alt="More Swedish Instruction" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">More Swedish Instruction.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Instructress</i> (<i>to exhausted class, who have been hopping round
+room for some time</i>). "Come! Come! That won't do at all. You <i>must</i> look cheerful. Keep
+smiling&mdash;smiling all the time!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3>A BATCH OF PROOFS</h3>
+
+<p>
+The proof of a pudding is in the eating:<br />
+The proof of a woman is in making a pudding;<br />
+And the proof of a man is in being able to dine without one.<br />
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Reflection on Literature.</span>&mdash;It is a well-authenticated
+fact, that the name of a book
+has a great deal to do with its sale and its success.
+How strange that titles should go for so much in
+the republic of letters.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Motto for the Rejected at the Royal
+Academy</span> (<i>suggested by one of the Forty</i>).&mdash;"Hanging's
+too good for them!"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Suggestion for a Music-Hall Song</span> (<i>to
+suit any Lionne Comique</i>).&mdash;"Wink at <i>me only</i> with
+one eye," &amp;c., &amp;c.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Ample Grounds for Complaint.</span>&mdash;Finding
+the grounds of your coffee to consist of nothing
+but chicory.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Smiling Countenance</span> is "The happy
+mien."</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i029.png">
+<img src="images/i029.png" width="100%" alt="are you Mr. Jobson" /></a>
+<p><i>Publisher</i> (<i>impatiently</i>). "Well, sir, what is it?"</p>
+<p><i>Poet</i> (<i>timidly</i>). "O&mdash;er&mdash;are you Mr. Jobson?"</p>
+<p><i>Publisher</i> (<i>irritably</i>). "Yes."</p>
+<p><i>Poet</i> (<i>more timidly</i>). "Mr. <i>George</i> Jobson?"</p>
+<p><i>Publisher</i> (<i>excitably</i>). "Yes, sir, that's my name."</p>
+<p><i>Poet</i> (<i>more timidly still</i>). "Of the firm of Messrs. Jobson and Doodle?"</p>
+<p><i>Publisher</i> (<i>angrily</i>). "Yes. What do you want?"</p>
+<p><i>Poet</i> "Oh&mdash;I want to see Mr. Doodle!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i030.png">
+<img src="images/i030.png" width="100%" alt="Our Orchestral Society" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Our Orchestral Society.</span></h3>
+<p><i>The Rector.</i> "Oh, <i>piano</i>, Mr. Brown! <i>Pi-an-o!</i>"</p>
+<p><i>Mr. Brown.</i> "<i>Piano</i> be blowed! I've come here to enjoy myself!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i031.png">
+<img src="images/i031.png" width="100%" alt="How to be happy though married" /></a>
+<h3>Jiu Jitsu</h3>
+<p><i>Customer.</i>&mdash;"Have you 'How to be happy though married'?"</p>
+<p><i>Bookseller.</i> "No, sir. We have run out at present of the work you mention; but we are selling
+this little book by the hundred."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>A LETTER TO A YOUNG PUBLISHER</h2>
+
+<p>Since, my dear Jones, you are good enough to
+ask for my advice, need I say that your success in
+business will depend chiefly upon judicious advertisement?
+You are bringing out, I understand, a
+thrilling story of domestic life, entitled "Maria's
+Marriage." Already, I am glad to learn, you have
+caused a paragraph to appear in the literary
+journals contradicting "the widespread report that
+Mr. Kipling and the German Emperor have
+collaborated in the production of this novel, the
+appearance of which is awaited with such extraordinary
+interest." And you have induced a
+number of papers to give prominence to the fact
+that Mr. Penwiper dines daily off curry and clotted
+cream. So far, so good. Your next step will be
+to send out review-copies, together with ready-made
+laudatory criticisms; in order, as you will explain,
+to save the hard worked reviewers trouble. But,
+you will say, supposing this ingenious device to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span>
+fail? Supposing "Maria's Marriage" to be universally
+"slated"? Well, even then you need not
+despair. With a little practice, you will learn the
+art of manufacturing an attractive advertisement
+column from the most unpromising material. Let
+me give you a brief example of the method:&mdash;</p>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">I.&mdash;The Raw Material.</span></h3>
+
+<p>"Mr. Penwiper's latest production, 'Maria's
+Marriage,' scarcely calls for serious notice. It
+seems hard to believe that even the most tolerant
+reader will contrive to study with attention a work
+of which every page contains glaring errors of
+taste. Humour, smartness, and interest are all
+conspicuously wanting."&mdash;<i>The Thunderer.</i></p>
+
+<p>"This book is undeniably third-rate&mdash;dull,
+badly-written, incoherent; in fine, a dismal
+failure."&mdash;<i>The Wigwam.</i></p>
+
+<p>"If 'Maria's Marriage' has any real merit, it is
+as an object-lesson to aspiring authors. Here, we
+would say to them, is a striking example of the
+way in which romance should not be written. Set
+yourself to produce a work exactly its opposite in
+every particular, and the chances are that you<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span>
+will produce, if not a masterpiece, at least, a tale
+free from the most glaring faults. For the terrible
+warning thus afforded by his volume to budding
+writers, Mr. Penwiper deserves to be heartily
+thanked."&mdash;<i>Daily Telephone.</i></p>
+
+<p>"'Maria's Marriage' is another book that we
+have received in the course of the month."&mdash;<i>The
+Parachute.</i></p>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">II.&mdash;The Result.</span></h3>
+
+<p>"Maria's Marriage!" "Maria's Marriage!"</p>
+
+<p>Gigantic Success&mdash;The Talk of London.</p>
+
+<p>The 29th edition will be issued this week if the
+sale of twenty-eight previous ones makes this
+necessary. Each edition is strictly limited!</p>
+
+<p>"Maria's Marriage!"</p>
+
+<p>The voice of the Press is simply <i>unanimous</i>.
+Read the following extracts&mdash;taken almost at
+random from the reviews of leading papers.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Penwiper's latest production ... calls for
+serious notice ... the reader will ... study with
+attention a work of which every page contains
+taste, humour, smartness and interest!"&mdash;<i>The
+Thunderer.</i><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Undeniably ... fine!"&mdash;<i>The Wigwam.</i></p>
+
+<p>"Has ... real merit ... an object lesson ...
+a striking example of the way in which romance
+... should be written. A masterpiece ... free
+from faults. Mr. Penwiper deserves to be heartily
+thanked."&mdash;<i>Daily Telephone.</i></p>
+
+<p>"The book ... of the month!"&mdash;<i>The Parachute</i>,
+&amp;c., &amp;c.</p>
+
+<p>"Maria's Marriage!" A veritable triumph!
+Order it from your bookseller to-day!</p>
+
+<p>That, my dear Jones, is how the trick is done.
+I hope to give you some further hints on a future
+occasion.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>"<span class="smcap">Pray, after you</span>," as the glass of water said
+to the pill.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Truism for Teetotalers.</span>&mdash;When a man is
+<i>out</i> of spirits&mdash;he should take wine.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Needless Question.</span>&mdash;"Do you want a
+loan?"</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The British "Public."</span>&mdash;The beer-shop.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Morning Envelopes.</span>&mdash;Dressing gowns.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i032.png">
+<img src="images/i032.png" width="100%" alt="the least suggestion of sauciness" /></a>
+<p>"<i>Operator</i>" (<i>desperately, after half an hour's fruitless endeavour to make a successful "picture"
+from unpromising sitter</i>). "Suppose, madam, we try a pose with just the <i>least</i> suggestion of&mdash;er&mdash;<i>sauciness</i>?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i033.png">
+<img src="images/i033.png" width="100%" alt="Gushing Hospitality" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Gushing Hospitality.</span></h3>
+<p>(Time 3 p.m.).&mdash;<i>Hospitable Host.</i> "Have c'gar, old f'lla?"</p>
+<p><i>Languid Visitor.</i> "No&mdash;thanks."</p>
+<p><i>H. H.</i> "Cigarette then?"</p>
+<p><i>His Visitor.</i> "No&mdash;thanks. Nevar smoke
+'mejately after breakfast."</p>
+<p><i>H. H.</i> "Can't refuse a toothpick, then, old f'lla?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i034.png">
+<img src="images/i034.png" width="100%" alt="Proportions." /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Proportions.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Buyer.</i> "In future, as my collection increases, and my wall-space is limited, and price no
+object, perhaps you would let me have a little more 'picture,' and a little less 'mount'!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i035.png">
+<img src="images/i035.png" width="100%" alt="Ingenuous" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Ingenuous!</span></h3>
+<p><i>Jones</i> (<i>to his fair partner, after their opponents have declared "clubs"</i>). "Shall I
+play to 'clubs', partner?"</p>
+<p><i>Fair Partner</i> (<i>who has never played bridge before</i>). "Oh, no, please
+don't, Mr. Jones. I've only got two little ones."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<img src="images/i036.png" width="100%" alt="I wish I could say the same" />
+<p><i>She.</i> "And are all these lovely things about which you write imaginary?"</p>
+<p><i>The Poet.</i> "Oh, no, Miss Ethel. I have only to open my eyes and I see something
+beautiful before me."</p>
+<p><i>She.</i> "Oh, how I wish I could say the same!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i037.png">
+<img src="images/i037.png" width="100%" alt="Oh, she liked yours" /></a>
+<p>[<span class="smcap">At The R.A.</span>&mdash;<i>First Painter.</i> "I've just been showing my aunt round. Most amusing.
+Invariably picks out the wrong pictures to admire and denounces the good ones!"</p>
+<p><i>Second Painter.</i> "Did she say anything about mine?"</p>
+<p><i>First Painter.</i> "Oh, she liked yours!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i038.png">
+<img src="images/i038.png" width="100%" alt="I&#39;ve invented a new drink" /></a>
+<p>"I say, old man, I've invented a new drink. Big
+success! Come and try it."</p>
+<p>"What's it made of?"</p>
+<p>"Well, it's something like the ordinary whisky and soda,
+but you put more whisky in it!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i039.png">
+<img src="images/i039.png" width="100%" alt="A PROPHET IN HIS OWN COUNTRY" /></a>
+<h3>A PROPHET IN HIS OWN COUNTRY</h3>
+<p><i>Sylvia.</i> "I wonder whether he'll be a soldier or a sailor?"</p>
+<p><i>Mamma.</i> "Wouldn't you like him to be an artist, like papa?"</p>
+<p><i>Sylvia.</i> "Oh, one in the family's quite enough!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span></p>
+<br />
+<center>"<span class="smcap">The Bitter End.</span>"&mdash;The last half inch of a
+halfpenny cigar.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The worst possible Name for an Author.</span>&mdash;Dr. Dozy.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>Why oughtn't a boot and shoemaker to be trusted?<br /><br />
+Because he's a slippery customer.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Race for Wealth.</span>&mdash;Jews.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Basso Profondo.</span>&mdash;A deep draught of bitter beer.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Exercise for City Clerks.</span>&mdash;A run on a Bank.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Passing the Time.</span>&mdash;Going by a clock.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i040.png">
+<img src="images/i040.png" width="100%" alt="Coming off with flying colours" /></a>
+<h3>Coming off with flying colours</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i041.png">
+<img src="images/i041.png" width="100%" alt="Thy Face" /></a>
+<h4><span class="smcap">Thy Face</span></h4>
+<h3>SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>LITERARY NOTES</h2>
+
+<p>A well-known diner-out has, we learn,
+collected his reminiscences, and would be glad to
+hear from some obliging gentleman or gentlemen
+who would "earnestly request" him to publish
+them.</p>
+
+<p>We should add that no names would be mentioned,
+the preface merely opening as follows:&mdash;-</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>"Although these stray gleanings of past years are of but
+ephemeral value, and though they were collected with no
+thought of publication, the writer at the earnest request of a
+friend" (or "many friends," if more than one) "has reluctantly
+consented to give his scattered reminiscences to the
+world."</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The following volumes in "The Biter Bit" series
+are announced as shortly to appear:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"The Fighter Fit; or practical hints on pugilistic
+training."</p>
+
+<p>"The Lighter Lit: a treatise on the illumination
+of Thames barges."</p>
+
+<p>"The Slighter Slit: or a new and economical
+method of cutting out."</p>
+
+<p>"The Tighter Tit: studies in the comparative
+inebriation of birds."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span>
+
+<h2>BILLIARD NOTES BY DUMB-CRAMBO</h2>
+
+<table summary="cartoons">
+<tr>
+<td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i042a.png">
+<img src="images/i042a.png" width="100%" alt="fine form was exhibited" /></a>
+</div></td>
+<td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i042b.png">
+<img src="images/i042b.png" width="100%" alt="A two-figure break" /></a>
+</div></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td align="center">Some fine form was exhibited</td>
+<td align="center">A two-figure break</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i042c.png">
+<img src="images/i042c.png" width="100%" alt="A heat of 500 up" /></a>
+</div>
+</td>
+<td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i042d.png">
+<img src="images/i042d.png" width="100%" alt="Finishing the game with a cannon" /></a>
+</div>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td align="center">A heat of 500 up
+</td>
+<td align="center">Finishing the game with a cannon
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i042e.png">
+<img src="images/i042e.png" width="100%" alt="Opening with the customary miss" /></a>
+</div>
+</td>
+<td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i042f.png">
+<img src="images/i042f.png" width="100%" alt="Spot barred" /></a>
+</div>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td align="center">Opening with the customary miss
+</td>
+<td align="center">Spot barred
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i043.png">
+<img src="images/i043.png" width="100%" alt="SENDING-IN-DAY AT THE R. A." /></a>
+<h3>SENDING-IN-DAY AT THE R. A.</h3>
+<p>"But it is impossible for you to see the President. What
+do you want to see him for?"</p>
+<p>"I want to show him exactly where I want my picture hung."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i044.png">
+<img src="images/i044.png" width="100%" alt="I&#39;m awful partial to picters" /></a>
+<p><i>Millionaire.</i> "Yes; I'm awful partial to picters. Why,
+bless yer, I've got <i>cellars</i> full of 'em!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i045.png">
+<img src="images/i045.png" width="100%" alt="THE EXHIBITION" /></a>
+<h3>"THE EXHIBITION"</h3>
+<p><i>Infuriated Outsider.</i> "R-r-r-rejected, sir!&mdash;Fwanospace,
+sir!" (<i>With withering emphasis.</i>) "'Want&mdash;of&mdash;space&mdash;sir!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i046.png">
+<img src="images/i046.png" width="100%" alt="You play the flute" /></a>
+<p>"Look here, Schlumpenhagen, you must help us at our smoking
+concert. You play the flute, don't you?"</p>
+<p>"Not ven dere ish anypotty apout."</p>
+<p>"How's that?"</p>
+<p>"Dey <i>von't let me</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>ROCHEFOUCAULDIANA</h2>
+
+<p>There is no sympathy in England so universally
+felt, so largely expressed, as for a person who is
+likely to catch cold.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>When a person loses his reputation, the very last
+place where he goes to look for it is the place where
+he has lost it.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>No gift so fatal as that of singing. The principal
+question asked, upon insuring a man's life, should
+be, "Do you sing a good song?"</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Many of us are led by our vices, but a great
+many more of us follow them without any leading
+at all.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>To show how deceptive are appearances, more
+gentlemen are mistaken for waiters, than waiters
+for gentlemen.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>To a retired tradesman there can be no greater
+convenience than that of having a "short sight."
+In truth, wealth rarely improves the vision.
+Poverty, on the contrary, strengthens it. A man,
+when he is poor, is able to discover objects at the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span>
+greatest distance with the naked eye, which he
+could not see, though standing close to his elbow,
+when he was rich.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>If you wish to set a room full of silent people off
+talking, get some one to sing a song.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The bore is happy enough in boring others, but
+is never so miserable as when left alone, when there
+is no one but himself to bore.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The contradictions of this life are wonderful.
+Many a man, who hasn't the courage to say "no,"
+never misses taking a shower-bath every morning
+of his life.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<br />
+<center>If you wish to borrow £5 ask for £10.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<h2>WHAT BROWN SAID</h2>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Hall of the Elysium Club</i></center>
+
+<p><i>Enter</i> Smith, F.R.S., <i>meeting</i> Brown, Q.C.</p>
+
+<p><i>Smith.</i> Raw day, eh?</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> Very <i>raw</i>. Glad when it's <i>done</i>.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<i>Exit</i> Brown, Q.C. <i>Exit</i> Smith, F.R.S., <i>into
+smoking-room, where he tells a good thing that</i>
+Brown <i>said</i>.</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i047.png">
+<img src="images/i047.png" width="100%" alt="AT THE ACADEMY" /></a>
+<h3>AT THE ACADEMY</h3>
+<p><i>Miss Jones.</i> "How came you to think of the subject, Mr. de Brush?"</p>
+<p><i>Eccentric Artist.</i> "Oh, I have had it in my head for years!"</p>
+<p><i>Miss Jones.</i> "How wonderful! What did the papers say?"</p>
+<p><i>Eccentric Artist.</i> "Said it was full of 'atmosphere,' and suggested 'space.'"]</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i048.png">
+<img src="images/i048.png" width="100%" alt="Intelligent" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Intelligent!</span></h3>
+<p><i>Artist</i> (<i>who thinks he has found a good model for his Touchstone</i>). "Have you any sense
+of humour, Mr. Bingles?"</p>
+<p><i>Model.</i> "Thank y' sir, no, sir, thank y'. I enj'ys pretty good 'ealth, sir, thank
+y' sir!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">THE PERILS OF A CONVERSAZIONE</span></h3>
+<p><i>Miss Fillip</i> (<i>to gentleman whose name she did
+not catch when introduced</i>). Have you read <i>A
+Modern Heliogabolus</i>?</p>
+<p><i>He.</i> Yes, I have.</p>
+<p><i>Miss F.</i> All through?</p>
+<p><i>He.</i> Yes, from beginning to end.</p>
+<p><i>Miss F.</i> Dear me! I wonder you're alive!
+How did you manage to get through it?</p>
+<p><i>He</i> (<i>diffidently</i>). Unfortunately, I wrote it.</p>
+<p class="inset">[<i>Miss F. catches a distant friend's eye.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Sound Sleeper's Paradise.</span>&mdash;Snoring.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap"><i>Patent</i> Night-Lights.</span>&mdash;Stars.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Epitaph on a Champion Billiard Player.</span>&mdash;"Taking
+his long rest."</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Toned Paper.</span>&mdash;Sheets of music.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Item on a Menu of Literary Pabulum.</span>&mdash;"Shakspeare
+and Bacon."</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Race Glasses.</span>&mdash;Champagne.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Maid of the Mill.</span>&mdash;A lady boxer.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i049.png">
+<img src="images/i049.png" width="100%" alt="that&#39;s a fine bit of colour" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Sentiment</span>.</h3>
+<p>(<i>Artistic-minded Youth in midst of a fierce harangue from his father, who is growing
+hotter and redder</i>). "By Jove, that's a fine bit of colour, if you like!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i050.png">
+<img src="images/i050.png" width="100%" alt="What an ass old Brown is" /></a>
+<p>"What an ass old Brown is!</p>
+<p>"Oh, I don't know. He's got far more brains than appear on the surface."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i051.png">
+<img src="images/i051.png" width="100%" alt="A horse! Rub it out" /></a>
+<p><i>Art-Master</i> (<i>who has sent for a cab, pointing to horse</i>). "What do you call that?"</p>
+<p><i>Cabby.</i> "An 'orse, sir."</p>
+<p><i>Art-Master.</i> "A horse! Rub it out, and do it again!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>A PARCEL OF PROVERBS, &amp;c. COMPLETED</h2>
+
+<p>Take time by the forelock&mdash;to have his hair
+cut.</p>
+
+<p>Follow your leader&mdash;in your daily paper.</p>
+
+<p>The proof of the pudding is in the eating&mdash;a
+great deal of it.</p>
+
+<p>Never look a gift-horse in the mouth&mdash;lest you
+should find false teeth.</p>
+
+<p>The hare with many friends&mdash;was eaten at last.</p>
+
+<p>A stitch in time saves nine&mdash;or more naughty
+words, when a button comes off while you are
+dressing in a great hurry for dinner.</p>
+
+<p>One man's meat is another man's poison&mdash;when
+badly cooked.</p>
+
+<p>Don't count your chickens before they are
+hatched&mdash;by the patent incubator.</p>
+
+<p>Love is blind&mdash;and unwilling to submit to an
+operation.</p>
+
+<p>First catch your hare&mdash;then cook it with rich
+gravy.</p>
+
+<p class="inset">Nil Desperandum&mdash;<span class="smcap">Percy Vere.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i052.png">
+<img src="images/i052.png" width="100%" alt="it&#39;s a repe-tition" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Non-Committal.</span></h3>
+<p>Scene: <i>Fashionable Auction Rooms. A Picture Sale.</i>&mdash;</p>
+<p><i>Amateur Collector</i> (<i>after taking advice of Expert No. 1, addresses Expert No. 2</i>). "What do you think
+of the picture? I am advised to buy it. Is it not a fine Titian?"</p>
+<p><i>Expert No. 2</i> (<i>wishing to please both parties</i>).
+"I don't think you can go far wrong, for anyhow, if it isn't a Titian
+it's a repe-tition."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>ANOTHER PARCEL OF PROVERBS</h2>
+
+<p>If the cap fits, wear it&mdash;out.</p>
+
+<p>Six of one, and half-a-dozen of the other&mdash;make
+exactly twelve.</p>
+
+<p>None so deaf as those who won't hear&mdash;hear!
+hear!</p>
+
+<p>Faint heart never won fair lady&mdash;nor dark one
+either.</p>
+
+<p>Civility costs nothing&mdash;nay, is something to your
+credit.</p>
+
+<p>The best of friends must part&mdash;their hair.</p>
+
+<p>Any port in a storm&mdash;but old port preferred.</p>
+
+<p>One good turn deserves another&mdash;in waltzing.</p>
+
+<p>Youth at the prow and pleasure at the helm&mdash;very
+sea-sick.</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>"<span class="smcap">Leading Strings.</span>"&mdash;Those of a first violin in
+an orchestra.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Tobacco Stoppers.</span>&mdash;Men who stay to smoke.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Smoker's Proverb.</span>&mdash;It's an ill weed that
+blows nobody any good.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<center><span class="smcap">A <i>Tidy</i> Drink.</span>&mdash;<i>Neat</i> brandy.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i053.png">
+<img src="images/i053.png" width="100%" alt="Minimus Poet" /></a>
+
+<p><i>Amateur</i> "<i>Minimus Poet</i>" (<i>who has called at the office twice a week for three months</i>). "Could
+you use a little poem of mine?"</p>
+<p><i>Editor</i> (<i>ruthlessly determined that this shall be his final visit</i>).
+"Oh, I think so. There are two or three broken panes of glass, and a hole in the skylight. How
+large is it?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span></p>
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Motto for a Sub-Editor.</span>&mdash;"Aut <i>scissors</i>, aut
+nullus."</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<p><i>To find the value of a Cook.</i>&mdash;Divide the services
+rendered by the wages paid; deduct the kitchen
+stuff, subtract the cold meat by finding how often
+three policemen will go into one area, and the
+quotient will help you to the result.</p>
+
+<p><i>To find the value of a Friend.</i>&mdash;Ask him to put
+his name to a bill.</p>
+
+<p><i>To find the value of Time.</i>&mdash;Travel by a Bayswater
+omnibus.</p>
+
+<p><i>To find the value of Eau de Cologne.</i>&mdash;Walk into
+Smithfield market.</p>
+
+<p><i>To find the value of Patience.</i>&mdash;Consult Bradshaw's
+<i>Guide</i> to ascertain the time of starting of a
+railway train.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Note by a Social Cynic.</span>&mdash;They may abolish
+the "push" stroke at billiards, but they'll never do
+so in society.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">From our own Irrepressible One</span> (<i>still
+dodging custody</i>).&mdash;<i>Q.</i> Why is a daily paper like
+a lamb? <i>A.</i> Because it is always folded.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i054.png">
+<img src="images/i054.png" width="100%" alt="Duty before Pleasure" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Duty before Pleasure.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Hostess</i> (<i>to new Curate</i>). "We seem to be talking of
+nothing but horses, Mr. Soothern. Are you much of a sportsman?"</p>
+<p><i>Curate.</i> "Really, Lady Betty, I don't think I ought to say that I am. I used to collect butterflies;
+but I have to give up even <i>that</i> now!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i055.png">
+<img src="images/i055.png" width="100%" alt="SHAKSPEARE ILLUSTRATED" /></a>
+<h3>SHAKSPEARE ILLUSTRATED</h3>
+<p>"The gods confound thee! Dost thou hold there still?"</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>Antony and Cleopatra</i>, Act II., Sc. 5.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<br />
+<center>"<span class="smcap">Still Waters.</span>"&mdash;Whiskies.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Art Criticism.</span>&mdash;In too many pictures the
+colour is medi-ocre.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Advertiser's Paradise.</span>&mdash;Puffin Island.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Musical Burglar.</span>&mdash;One who breaks into
+a tune.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i056.png">
+<img src="images/i056.png" width="100%" alt="HE KNEW HIS WORK" /></a>
+<h3>HE KNEW HIS WORK</h3>
+<p><i>Proprietor of Travelling Menagerie.</i> "Are you used to
+looking after horses and other animals?"</p>
+<p><i>Applicant for Job.</i> "Yessir. Been used to 'orses all my
+life."</p>
+<p><i>P. O. T. M.</i> "What steps would you take if a lion got
+loose?"</p>
+<p><i>A. F. J.</i> "Good long 'uns, mister!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">May be Heard Everywhere.</span>&mdash;"Songs
+without words"&mdash;a remarkable performance; but
+perhaps a still more wonderful feat is playing upon
+words.</p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>SUBSTITUTES FOR PROFANE SWEARING</h2>
+
+<p>(<i>Adapted to various Sorts and Conditions of Men</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>Lawyer.</i> Tax my bill.</p>
+
+<p><i>Doctor.</i> Dash my draughts.</p>
+
+<p><i>Soldier</i>. Snap my stock.</p>
+
+<p><i>Parson.</i> Starch my surplice.</p>
+
+<p><i>Bricklayer.</i> I'll be plastered.</p>
+
+<p><i>Bricklayer's Labourer.</i> Chop my hod.</p>
+
+<p><i>Carpenter.</i> Saw me.</p>
+
+<p><i>Plumber and Glazier.</i> Solder my pipes. Smash
+my panes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Painter.</i> I'm daubed.</p>
+
+<p><i>Brewer.</i> I'm mashed.</p>
+
+<p><i>Engineer.</i> Burst my boiler.</p>
+
+<p><i>Stoker.</i> Souse my coke.</p>
+
+<p><i>Costermonger.</i> Rot my taturs.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dramatic Author.</i> Steal my French Dictionary.</p>
+
+<p><i>Actor.</i> I'll be hissed.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tailor.</i> Cut me out. Cook my goose.</p>
+
+<p><i>Linendraper.</i> Soil my silks. Sell me off.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Grocer.</i> Squash my figs. Sand my sugar. Seize
+my scales.</p>
+
+<p><i>Baker.</i> Knead my dough. Scorch my muffins.</p>
+
+<p><i>Auctioneer.</i> Knock me down.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">The Players are Come!</span>"&mdash;<i>First Player</i>
+(<i>who has had a run of ill-luck</i>). I'm regularly
+haunted by the recollection of my losses at
+baccarat.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Player.</i> Quite Shakespearian! "Banco's
+ghost."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Something to Live For.</span>&mdash;(<i>From the Literary
+Club Smoking-room.</i>) <i>Cynicus.</i> I'm waiting till
+my friends are dead, in order to write my
+reminiscences?</p>
+
+<p><i>Amicus.</i> Ah, but remember. "<i>De mortuis nil
+nisi bonum.</i>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Cynicus.</i> Quite so. I shall tell nothing but
+exceedingly good stories about them.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Contradiction.</span>&mdash;In picture exhibitions, the
+observant spectator is struck by the fact that works
+hung on the line are too often below the mark.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A "Light" Repast.</span>&mdash;A feast of lanterns.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i057.png">
+<img src="images/i057.png" width="100%" alt="Fair Amateur" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">R. A. Gems.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Fair Amateur</i> (<i>to carpenter</i>). "My picture is quite hidden with that horrid ticket on it.
+Can't you fix it on the frame?" <i>Carpenter.</i> "Why, you'll spoil the frame, mum!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i058.png">
+<img src="images/i058.png" width="100%" alt="Do you drink between meals" /></a>
+<p><i>Jones.</i> "Do you drink between meals?"</p>
+<p><i>Smith.</i> "No. I eat between drinks."</p>
+<p><i>Jones.</i> "Which did you do last?"</p>
+<p><i>Smith.</i> "Drink."</p>
+<p><i>Jones.</i> "Then we'd better go and have
+a sandwich at once!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i059.png">
+<img src="images/i059.png" width="100%" alt="NOCTURNE" /></a>
+<h3>NOCTURNE IN THE OLD KENT ROAD</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>"<span class="smcap">Largest Circulation in the World.</span>"&mdash;The
+elephant's.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Worst Place in Thirsty Weather.</span>&mdash;Taplow.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Inscription for an Old Clothes Shop.</span>&mdash;"Nothing
+new."</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i060.png">
+<img src="images/i060.png" width="100%" alt="JUST A SONG AT TWILIGHT" /></a>
+<h3>"JUST A SONG AT TWILIGHT"</h3>
+<p>(<i>As sung sweetly by a Public-House-Baritone</i>)</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Literary Announcement.</span>&mdash;In the press&mdash;yesterday's
+tablecloth.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Height of Economy.</span>&mdash;A "screw" of
+tobacco.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i061.png">
+<img src="images/i061.png" width="100%" alt="A BROKEN MELODY 1" /></a>
+<h3>A BROKEN MELODY</h3>
+<p><span class="smcap">Scene I.</span>&mdash;<i>Street Singer.</i> "I fear no foe in shining ar&mdash;&mdash;."</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i062.png">
+<img src="images/i062.png" width="100%" alt="A BROKEN MELODY 2" /></a>
+<h3>A BROKEN MELODY</h3>
+<p><span class="smcap">Scene II.</span>&mdash;Enter policeman.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE QUICK GRUB STREET CO.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p><span class="smcap">The Quick Grub Street Co. beg to announce
+that they have opened an Establishment
+for the Supply of Literature in
+all its Branches.</span></p></blockquote>
+
+<blockquote><p><i>Every Editor should send for our Prices and compare
+them with those of other houses.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Poetry Department.</span></h3>
+
+<p>We employ experienced poets for the supply of
+garden verses, war songs, &amp;c., and undertake to fill
+any order within twenty-four hours of its reaching
+us. Our Mr. Rhymeesi will be glad to wait upon
+parties requiring verse of any description, and, if
+the matter is at all urgent, to execute the order on
+the spot.</p>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Drama Department.</span></h3>
+
+<p>Actor-managers before going elsewhere should
+give us a call. Our plays draw wherever they are
+presented, even if it is only bricks.</p>
+
+<p><i>Testimonial.</i>&mdash;A manager writes: "The play you
+kindly supplied, <i>The Blue Bloodhound of Bletchley</i>,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span>
+is universally admitted to be <i>unlike anything ever
+before produced on the stage</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Musical comedies (guaranteed absolutely free
+from plot) supplied on shortest notice.</p>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Fiction Department.</span></h3>
+
+<p>For society dialogues we use the very best
+duchesses; while a first-class earl's daughter is
+retained for Court and gala opera.</p>
+
+<p>For our new line of <i>vie intime</i> we employ none
+but valets and confidential maids, who have to
+serve an apprenticeship with P.A.P.</p>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">The Kailyard Department</span></h3>
+
+<p>is always up-to-date, and our Mr. Stickit will be
+pleased to call on any editor on receipt of post-card.</p>
+
+<p>N.B.&mdash;We guarantee our Scotch Idyll to be
+absolutely unintelligible to any English reader,
+and undertake to refund money if it can be proved
+that such is not the case.</p>
+
+<p>Our speciality, however, is our <i>Six-Shilling
+Shocker</i>, as sold for serial purposes. Editors with
+papers that won't "go" should ask for one of these.
+When ordering please state general idea required<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span>
+under one of our recognised sections, as foreign
+office, police, mounted infantry, cowardice, Rome,
+&amp;c., &amp;c.</p>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Biography.</span></h3>
+
+<p>Any gentleman wishing to have a biography of
+himself produced in anticipation of his decease
+should communicate with us.</p>
+
+<p>The work would, of course, be published with a
+note to the effect that the writing had been a
+labour of love; that moreover the subject with his
+usual modesty had been averse from the idea of a
+biography.</p>
+
+<p><i>Testimonial.</i>&mdash;Sir Sunny Jameson writes: "The
+Life gives great satisfaction. No reference made,
+however, to my munificent gift of £50 to the
+Referees' Hospital. This should be remedied in
+the next edition. The work, however, has been
+excellently done. You have made me out to be
+better than even I ever thought myself."</p>
+
+<p class="inset">For love letters,</p>
+
+<p class="inset">For the Elizabethan vogue,</p>
+
+<p class="inset">For every description of garden meditations,</p>
+
+<p class="inset">Give the Quick Grub Street Company a trial.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i063.png">
+<img src="images/i063.png" width="100%" alt="Scarcely anybody" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">A Soft Answer.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Papa</i> (<i>literary, who has given orders
+he is not to be disturbed</i>). "Who is it?"</p>
+<p><i>Little Daughter.</i> "Scarcely anybody, dear papa!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i064.png">
+<img src="images/i064.png" width="100%" alt="SECRETS OF LITERARY COMPOSITION" /></a>
+<h3>THE SECRETS OF LITERARY COMPOSITION</h3>
+<p><i>The Fair Authoress of "Passionate Pauline," gazing fondly at her
+own reflection, writes as follows</i>:&mdash;</p>
+<p>"I look into the glass, reader. What do I see?</p>
+<p>"I see a pair of laughing, <i>espiègle</i>, forget-me-not blue eyes, saucy
+and defiant; a <i>mutine</i> little rose-bud of a mouth, with its ever-mocking
+<i>moue</i>; a tiny shell-like ear, trying to play hide-and-seek in a tangled
+maze of rebellious russet gold; while, from underneath the satin
+folds of a <i>rose-thé</i> dressing-gown, a dainty foot peeps coyly forth in
+its exquisitely-pointed gold morocco slipper," &amp;c., &amp;c.</p><br />
+<p class="inset">(<i>Vide "Passionate Pauline", by Parbleu.</i>)</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i065.png">
+<img src="images/i065.png" width="100%" alt="A DISTINCTION" /></a>
+<h3>A DISTINCTION</h3>
+<p><i>First Gourmet.</i> "That was Mr. Dobbs I just nodded to."</p>
+<p><i>Second Gourmet.</i> "I know."</p>
+<p><i>First G.</i> "He asked me to dine at his house next Thursday&mdash;but
+I can't. Ever dined at Dobbs's?"</p>
+<p><i>Second G.</i> "No. Never <i>dined</i>. But I've been there to
+dinner!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i066.png">
+<img src="images/i066.png" width="100%" alt="A genuine Turner" /></a>
+<p><i>Auctioneer.</i> "Lot 52. A genuine Turner. Painted during
+the artist's lifetime. What offers, gentlemen?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i067.png">
+<img src="images/i067.png" width="100%" alt="Shop!" /></a>
+<p><i>Millionaire</i> (<i>who has been shown into fashionable artist's studio, and
+has been kept waiting a few minutes</i>). "<span class="smcap">Shop!</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>NONSENSE PROVERBS</h2>
+
+<p>WHAT'S in the pot mustn't be told to the pan.</p>
+
+<p>There's a mouth for every muffin.</p>
+
+<p>A clear soup and no flavour.</p>
+
+<p>As drunk as a daisy.</p>
+
+<p>All rind and no cheese.</p>
+
+<p>Set a beggar on horseback, and he will cheat the
+livery-stable keeper.</p>
+
+<p>There's a B in every bonnet.</p>
+
+<p>Two-and-six of one and half-a-crown of the
+other.</p>
+
+<p>The insurance officer dreads a fire.</p>
+
+<p>First catch your heir, then hook him.</p>
+
+<p>Every plum has its pudding.</p>
+
+<p>Short pipes make long smokes.</p>
+
+<p>It's a long lane that has no blackberries.</p>
+
+<p>Wind and weather come together.</p>
+
+<p>A flower in the button-hole is worth two on the
+bush.</p>
+
+<p>Round robin is a shy bird.</p>
+
+<p>There's a shiny lining to every hat.</p>
+
+<p>The longest dinner will come to an end.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>You must take the pips with the orange.</p>
+
+<p>It's a wise dentist that knows his own teeth.</p>
+
+<p>No rose without a gardener.</p>
+
+<p>Better to marry in May than not to marry
+at all.</p>
+
+<p>Save sovereigns, spend guineas.</p>
+
+<p>Too many followers spoil the cook. (N.B.
+This is <i>not</i> nonsense.)</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i069.png">
+<img src="images/i069.png" width="100%" alt="Profusely decorated with cuts" /></a>
+<h3>Profusely decorated with cuts</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Said at the Academy.</span>&mdash;<i>Punch</i> doesn't care
+<i>who</i> said it. It was extremely rude to call the
+commission on capital punishments the hanging
+committee.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The Grammar of Art.</span>&mdash;"Art," spell it with
+a big or little "a", can never come first in any
+well-educated person's ideas. "I am" must have
+the place of honour; then "Thou Art!" so
+apostrophised, comes next.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i068.png">
+<img src="images/i068.png" width="100%" alt="Been to see the old masters?" /></a>
+<p><i>Scrumble.</i> "Been to see the old masters?"</p>
+<p><i>Stippleton</i> (<i>who has married money</i>). "No. Fact is"&mdash;(<i>sotto voce</i>)&mdash;"I've got quite
+enough on my hands with the old missus!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i070.png">
+<img src="images/i070.png" width="100%" alt="TWO OLD MASTERS OF ARTS" /></a>
+<h3>TWO OLD MASTERS OF ARTS</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>ARTIST'S VADE MECUM</h2>
+
+<p><i>Question.</i> Has the anxious parent been to see
+his child's portrait?</p>
+
+<p><i>Answer.</i> He has seen it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Did he approve of it?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> He will like it better when I have made some
+slight alterations.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> What are they?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> He would like the attitude of the figure
+altered, the position of the arms changed, the face
+turned the other way, the hair and eyes made a
+different colour, and the expression of the mouth
+improved.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Did he make any other suggestions?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Yes; he wishes to have the child's favourite
+pony and Newfoundland dog put in, with an indication
+of the ancestral home in the back-ground.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Is he willing to pay anything extra for these
+additions?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> He does not consider it necessary.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Are you well on with your Academy picture?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> No; but I began the charcoal sketch yesterday.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Have you secured the handsome model?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> No; the handsome model has been permanently
+engaged by the eminent R.A.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Under these circumstances, do you still
+expect to get finished in time?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Yes; I have been at this stage in February
+for as many years as I can remember, and have
+generally managed to worry through somehow.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Whenever</span> the "Reduced Prizefighters" take
+a benefit at a theatre, the play should be <i>The
+Miller and his Men</i>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Nice Man</span>.&mdash;Mr. Swiggins was a sot. He
+was also a sloven. He never had anything neat
+about him but gin.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i072.png">
+<img src="images/i072.png" width="100%" alt="Under a great master" /></a>
+<h3>Under a great master</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i071.png">
+<img src="images/i071.png" width="100%" alt="THE WARRIOR BOLD" /></a>
+<h4>THE WARRIOR BOLD</h4>
+<h3>SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i073.png">
+<img src="images/i073.png" width="100%" alt="THE GAY TOM TIT" /></a>
+<h4>THE GAY TOM TIT</h4>
+<h3>SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Hung, Drawn, and Quartered.</span>"&mdash;(<i>Mr.
+Punch's sentence on three-fourths of the Academicians'
+work "on the line."</i>)&mdash;Very well "hung";
+very ill "drawn"; a great deal better "quartered"
+than it deserves.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Spirit of the Age.</span>&mdash;Gin.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i074.png">
+<img src="images/i074.png" width="100%" alt="WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST" /></a>
+<h3>"WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST"</h3>
+<p>When he magnanimously consents to go on the platform
+at a conjuring performance, and unwonted objects are
+produced from his inside pockets.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i075.png">
+<img src="images/i075.png" width="100%" alt="Celebrated Minor Poet" /></a>
+<p><i>Celebrated Minor Poet.</i> "Ah, hostess, how 'do? Did
+you get my book I sent you yesterday?"</p>
+<p><i>Hostess.</i> "Delightful! <i>I couldn't sleep till I'd read it!</i>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i076.png">
+<img src="images/i076.png" width="100%" alt="The Infant Prodigy" /></a>
+<p><i>The Infant Prodigy has reached the middle of an exceedingly difficult pianoforte solo, and one
+of those dramatic pauses of which the celebrated composer is so fond has occurred. Kindly but
+undiscerning old Lady.</i> "Play something you know, dearie."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i077.png">
+<img src="images/i077.png" width="100%" alt="At a Fencing &quot;At Home" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">At a Fencing "At Home."</span></h3>
+<p><i>Distinguished Foreigner</i> (<i>hero of a hundred duels</i>). "It is delightful,
+mademoiselle. You English are a sporting nation."</p>
+<p><i>Fair Member.</i> "So glad you are enjoying it.
+By the way, Monsieur le Marquis, have they introduced fencing into France yet?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i078.png">
+<img src="images/i078.png" width="100%" alt="In the Cause of Art" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">In the Cause of Art.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Patron.</i> "When are yer goin' to start my wife's picture and mine? 'Cause,
+when the 'ouse is up we're a goin'&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Artist.</i> "Oh, I'll get the canvases at once, and&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Patron</i> (<i>millionaire</i>). "Canvas! 'Ang it!&mdash;none o' yer canvas for me! Price is no objec'! I can afford to pay
+for something better than canvas!!"&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; [<i>Tableau!</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i079.png">
+<img src="images/i079.png" width="100%" alt="Gratifying" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Gratifying</span>!</h3>
+<p><i>Amateur Artist</i> (<i>to the carrier</i>). "Did you see my picture safely delivered at the
+Royal Academy?"</p>
+<p><i>Carrier.</i> "Yessir, and mighty pleased they seemed to be with it&mdash;leastways, if
+one may jedge, sir. They didn't say nothin'&mdash;but&mdash;lor' how they did laugh!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i080.png">
+<img src="images/i080.png" width="100%" alt="I don&#39;t know what a Botticelli is" /></a>
+<p><i>Artist</i> (<i>who has recommended model to a friend</i>). "Have you been to sit to Mr. Jones yet?"</p>
+<p><i>Model.</i> "Well, I've been to see him; but directly I got into his studio, 'Why,' he said, 'you've
+got a head like a Botticelli.' I don't know what a Botticelli is, but I didn't go there to be called
+names, so I come away!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i081.png">
+<img src="images/i081.png" width="100%" alt="That is a picture of our church" /></a>
+<p><i>Art Student</i> (<i>engaging rooms</i>). "What is that?"</p>
+<p><i>Landlady.</i> "That is a picture of our
+church done in wool by my daughter, sir. She's subject to art, too."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE SUB-EDITOR'S AUNT</h2>
+
+<p>"I always buy your paper my dear Horace," said
+the old lady, "although there is much in it I cannot
+approve of. But there is one thing that puzzles me
+extremely."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, aunt?" said the Sub-Editor meekly, as
+he sipped his tea.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, I notice that the contents bill invariably
+has one word calculated to stimulate the morbid
+curiosity of the reader. An adjective."</p>
+
+<p>"Circulation depends upon adjectives," said the
+Sub-Editor.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't think I object to them," the old lady
+replied; "but what I want you to tell me is how
+you choose them. How do you decide whether an
+occurrence is 'remarkable' or 'extraordinary,'
+'astounding' or 'exciting,' 'thrilling' or 'alarming,'
+'sensational' or merely 'strange,' 'startling' or
+'unique'? What tells you which word to use?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, aunt, we have a system to indicate the
+adjective to a nicety; but&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"My dear Horace, I will never breathe a word.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span>
+You should know that. No one holds the secrets
+of the press more sacred than I."</p>
+
+<p>The Sub-Editor settled himself more comfortably
+in his chair.</p>
+
+<p>"You see, aunt, the great thing in an evening
+paper is human interest. What we want to get is
+news to hit the man-in-the-street. Everything that
+we do is done for the man-in-the-street. And
+therefore we keep safely locked up in a little room
+a tame man of this description. He may not be
+much to look at, but his sympathies are right,
+unerringly right. He sits there from nine till six,
+and has things to eat now and then. We call him
+the Thrillometer."</p>
+
+<p>"How wonderful! How proud you should be
+Horace, to be a part of this mighty mechanism,
+the press."</p>
+
+<p>"I am, aunt. Well, the duties of the Thrillometer
+are very simple. Directly a piece of news
+comes in, it is the place of one of the Sub-Editors to
+hurry to the Thrillometer's room and read it to
+him. I have to do this."</p>
+
+<p>"Poor boy. You are sadly overworked, I fear."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, aunt. And while I read I watch his face,
+Long study has told me exactly what degree of
+interest is excited within him by the announcement.
+I know instantly whether his expression
+means 'phenomenal' or only 'remarkable,' whether
+'distressing' or only 'sad,' whether&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Is there so much difference between 'distressing'
+and 'sad,' Horace?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, yes, aunt. A suicide in Half Moon Street<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span>
+is 'distressing'; in the City Road it is only 'sad.'
+Again, a raid on a club in Whitechapel is of no
+account; but a raid on a West-End club is worth
+three lines of large type in the bill, above Fry's
+innings."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you mean a club in Soho when you say
+West-End?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, aunt, as a rule."</p>
+
+<p>"But why do you call that the West-End?"</p>
+
+<p>"That was the Thrillometer's doing, aunt. He
+fell asleep over a club raid, and a very good one
+too, when I said it was in Soho; but when I told<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span>
+him of the next&mdash;also in Soho, chiefly Italian
+waiters&mdash;and said it was in the West-End, his eyes
+nearly came out of his head. So you see how
+useful the Thrillometer can be."</p>
+
+<p>"Most ingenious, Horace. Was this your idea?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, aunt."</p>
+
+<p>"Clever boy. And have the other papers
+adopted it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, aunt. All of them."</p>
+
+<p>"Then you are growing rich, Horace?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, no, aunt, not at all. Unfortunately I lack
+the business instinct. Other people grow rich on
+my ideas. In fact, so far from being rich, I was
+going to venture to ask you&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Tell me more about the Thrillometer," said the
+old lady briskly.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%">
+<a href="images/i085.png">
+<img src="images/i085.png" width="100%" alt="THE WRESTLING MATCH" /></a>
+<h3>AT THE WRESTLING MATCH.</h3>
+<p><i>Enthusiastic Old Gent.</i> "Go on, sonny! Stick 'old of 's 'ead."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>GOING TO THE BAD</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">All the way from the National Gallery</p>
+<p class="i2">Unto the Royal Academy</p>
+<p class="i0">As I walked, I was guilty of raillery,</p>
+<p class="i2">Which I felt was very bad o' me.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Thinking of art's disasters,</p>
+<p class="i2">Still sinking to deeper abysses,</p>
+<p class="i0">I said, "From the Old Masters</p>
+<p class="i2">Why go to the new misses?"</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i082.png">
+<img src="images/i082.png" width="100%" alt="PREHISTORIC PEEPS" /></a>
+<h3>PREHISTORIC PEEPS</h3>
+<center>A visit to an artist's studio.</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i083.png">
+<img src="images/i083.png" width="100%" alt="Awfully jolly concert" /></a>
+<p><i>He.</i> "Awfully jolly concert, wasn't it? Awfully jolly thing by that fellow&mdash;what's his name?&mdash;something
+like Doorknob."</p>
+<p><i>She.</i> "<i>Doorknob!</i> Whom <i>do</i> you mean? I only know of Beethoven, Mozart,
+Wagner, Handel&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>He.</i> "That's it! Handel. I knew it was something you caught hold of!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i084.png">
+<img src="images/i084.png" width="100%" alt="OUR ARTIST" /></a>
+<h3>OUR ARTIST</h3>
+<p>"If you please, sir, here's the printer's boy called
+again!"</p>
+<p>"Oh, bother! Say I'm busy."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i086.png">
+<img src="images/i086.png" width="100%" alt="Tis hard to give the hand" /></a>
+<h4>"'Tis hard to give the hand where the heart can <i>never</i> be!"</h4>
+<h3>SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i087.png">
+<img src="images/i087.png" width="100%" alt="Only this" /></a>
+<h4>"Only this"</h4>
+<h3>SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i088.png">
+<img src="images/i088.png" width="100%" alt="Horse Dealer" /></a>
+<p><i>Horse Dealer.</i> "Did that little mare I sold you do for you, sir?"</p>
+<p><i>Nervous Horseman.</i> "Nearly!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i089.png">
+<img src="images/i089.png" width="100%" alt="Optics" /></a>
+<h3>"<span class="smcap">Optics.</span>"</h3>
+<p><i>Lecturer.</i> "Now let anyone gaze steadfastly on any
+object&mdash;say, for instance, his wife's eye&mdash;and he'll see himself looking
+so exceedingly small, that&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Strong-minded Lady</i> (<i>in front
+row</i>). "Hear! Hear! Hear!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i090.png">
+<img src="images/i090.png" width="100%" alt="After the Fair" /></a>
+<p>"<span class="smcap">After the Fair.</span>" (<i>Country cousin comes up in August to see
+the exhibition of pictures at the Royal Academy!</i>).&mdash;<i>Porter.</i> "Bless
+yer 'art, we're closed!"</p>
+<p><i>Country Cousin.</i> "Closed! What! didn't it pay?!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i091.png">
+<img src="images/i091.png" width="100%" alt="we see you so seldom" /></a>
+<p><i>Jones.</i> "How is it we see you so seldom at the club now?"</p>
+<p><i>Old Member.</i> "Ah, well, you see, I'm not so young as I
+was; and I've had a good deal of worry lately; and so,
+what with one thing and another, I've grown rather fond
+of my own society."</p>
+<p><i>Jones.</i> "Epicure!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The True Inwardness of Art.</span>&mdash;Photographs
+by the Röntgen rays.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Man who has a Turn for Music.</span>&mdash;An
+organ-grinder.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i092.png">
+<img src="images/i092.png" width="100%" alt="The Phonograph Cannot Lie" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">The Phonograph Cannot Lie.</span></h3>
+<p><i>German Dealer</i> "Now, mein Herr! You've chust heerd your lofely blaying rebroduced to berfection!
+Won't you buy one?"</p>
+<p><i>Amateur Flautist.</i> "Are you sure the thing's all right?"</p>
+<p><i>German Dealer.</i> "Zertainly, mein Herr."</p>
+<p><i>Amateur Flautist.</i> "Gad, then, if that's what my playing is like,
+I'm done with the flute for ever."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i093.png">
+<img src="images/i093.png" width="100%" alt="Private Inquiry." /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Private Inquiry.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Surveyor of Taxes</i> (<i>to literary gent</i>). "But
+surely you can arrive at some estimate of the amount received by
+you during the past three years for example. Don't you keep
+books?"</p>
+<p><i>Literary Gent.</i> (<i>readily</i>). "Oh dear no. I write
+them!"</p>
+<p><i>Surveyor.</i> "Ahem&mdash;I mean you've got some sort of
+accounts&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Literary Gent.</i> "Oh yes, lots"&mdash;(<i>Surveyor
+brightens up</i>)&mdash;"unpaid!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i094.png">
+<img src="images/i094.png" width="100%" alt="a boy wants to see you" /></a>
+<p>"There's a boy wants to see you, sir." "Has he got a bill in
+his hand?" "No, sir." "Then he's got it in his pocket!
+Send him away!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i095.png">
+<img src="images/i095.png" width="100%" alt="best thing I&#39;ve ever painted" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">What our Artist has to put up with.</span></h3>
+<p><i>He.</i> "By Jove, it's the best thing I've ever painted!&mdash;and I'll tell you what; I've a good
+mind to give it to Mary Morison for her wedding present!"</p>
+<p><i>His Wifey.</i> "Oh, but, my love, the Morisons have always been <i>so</i> hospitable
+to us! You ought to give her a <i>real</i> present, you know&mdash;a
+fan, or a scent-bottle, or something of that sort!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i096.png">
+<img src="images/i096.png" width="100%" alt="TRIUMPH" /></a>
+<h3>TRIUMPH</h3>
+<p><i>Frame Maker</i> (<i>in ecstasies</i>). "By Jove! Jemima&mdash;every one
+of 'em on the line again!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>HOW TO BE AN AUTHOR</h2>
+
+<p>Mr. Punch, having read the latest book on the
+way to write for the press, feels that there is at
+least one important subject not properly explained
+therein: to wit, the covering letter. He therefore
+proceeds to supplement this and similar books....
+It is, however, when your story is written
+that the difficulties begin. Having selected a
+suitable editor, you send him your contribution
+accompanied by a covering letter. The writing of
+this letter is the most important part of the whole
+business. One story, after all, is very much like
+another (in your case, probably, exactly like
+another), but you can at least in your covering
+letter show that you are a person of originality.</p>
+
+<p>Your letter must be one of three kinds: pleading,
+peremptory, or corruptive. I proceed to give
+examples of each.</p>
+
+<h3>I.&mdash;<span class="smcap">The Pleading Letter.</span></h3>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p class="author">
+199, <i>Berkeley Square, W.</i>
+</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dear Mr. Editor</span>,&mdash;I have a wife and seven
+starving children; can you possibly help us by<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span>
+accepting this little story of only 18,000 (eighteen
+thousand) words? Not only would you be
+doing a work of charity to one who has suffered
+much, but you would also, I venture to say, be
+conferring a real benefit upon English literature&mdash;as
+I have already received the thanks of no fewer
+than thirty-three editors for having allowed them
+to peruse this manuscript.</p>
+
+<p class="regards">Yours humbly,</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="smcap">The McHardy</span>.</p>
+
+<p>P.S.&mdash;My youngest boy, aged three, pointed
+to his little sister's Gazeka toy last night and cried
+"De editor!" These are literally the first words
+that have passed his lips for three days. Can you
+stand by and see the children starve?</p></blockquote>
+
+<h3>II.&mdash;<span class="smcap">The Peremptory Letter.</span></h3>
+
+<blockquote><p><span class="smcap">Sir</span>,&mdash;Kindly publish at once and oblige</p>
+
+<p class="regards">Yours faithfully,</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Eugene Hackenkick</span>.</p>
+
+<p>P.S.&mdash;I shall be round at your office to-morrow
+about an advertisement for some 600 lb. bar-bells,
+and will look you up.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3>III.&mdash;<span class="smcap">The Corruptive Letter.</span></h3>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p class="author"><i>Middlesex House, Park Lane, IV.</i><br /></p>
+
+<p class="salute"><span class="smcap">Dear Mr. Smith</span>,&mdash;Can you come and dine
+with us quite in a <i>friendly</i> way on Thursday at
+eight? I want to introduce you to the Princess of
+Holdwig-Schlosstein and Mr. Alfred Austin, who
+are so eager to meet you. Do you know I am
+really a little <i>frightened</i> at the thought of meeting
+such a famous editor? Isn't it <i>silly</i> of me?</p>
+
+<p class="regards">Yours very sincerely,</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Emma Middlesex</span>.
+</p>
+
+<p>P.S.&mdash;I wonder if you could find room in your
+<i>splendid little paper</i> for a silly story I am sending
+you. It would be such a surprise for the Duke's
+birthday (on Monday).&mdash;E. M.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Before concluding the question of the covering
+letter I must mention the sad case of my friend
+Halibut. Halibut had a series of lithographed
+letters of all kinds, one of which he would enclose
+with every story he sent out. On a certain occasion
+he wrote a problem story of the most advanced
+kind; what, in fact, the reviewers call a "strong"
+story. In sending this to the editor of a famous<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span>
+magazine his secretary carelessly slipped in the
+wrong letter:</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="smcap">Dear Mr. Editor</span>," it ran, "I am trying to
+rite you a littel story, I do hope you will like my
+little storey, I want to tell you about my kanary
+and my pussy cat, it's name is <i>Peggy</i> and it has
+seven kitens, have you any kitens, I will give you
+one if you print my story,</p>
+
+<p class="regards">"Your loving little friend,</p>
+
+<p class="author">"<span class="smcap">Flossie</span>."</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Proverb for the Council of the Royal
+Academy.</span>&mdash;"Hanging goes by favour."</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The Enraged Musician.</span>&mdash;(<i>A Duologue.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>Composer.</i> Did you stay late at Lady Tittup's?</p>
+
+<p><i>Friend.</i> Yes. Heard Miss Bang play again. I
+was delighted with her execution.</p>
+
+<p><i>Composer.</i> Her execution! <i>That</i> would have
+pleased <i>me</i>; she deserved it for having brutally
+murdered a piece of mine.</p>
+<p class="author">[<i>Exeunt.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The Gentility of Speech.</span>&mdash;At the music
+halls visitors now call for "another acrobat," when
+they want a second tumbler.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i097.png">
+<img src="images/i097.png" width="100%" alt="WRITING ON THE WINDOW" /></a>
+<h3>THE WRITING ON THE WINDOW</h3>
+<p>Portrait of a gentleman who proposes to say he was
+detained in town on important business.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i098.png">
+<img src="images/i098.png" width="100%" alt="AWARDING THE BISCUIT" /></a>
+<h3>AWARDING THE BISCUIT</h3>
+<p><i>Dingy Bohemian.</i> "I want a bath Oliver."</p>
+<p><i>Immaculate Servitor.</i> "My name is <i>not</i> Oliver!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i099.png">
+<img src="images/i099.png" width="100%" alt="Sending-in Day" /></a>
+<h3>"<span class="smcap">Sending-in" Day.</span></h3>
+<p>Indigo Brown takes his picture, entitled
+"Peace and Comfort," to the R.A. himself, as he says, "Those
+picture carts are certain to scratch it," and, with the assistance of his
+cabby, adds the finishing touches on his way there!</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i100.png">
+<img src="images/i100.png" width="100%" alt="UNDOUBTED OLD MASTER" /></a>
+<h3>AN UNDOUBTED OLD MASTER</h3>
+<center>(<i>By Himself</i>)</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i101.png">
+<img src="images/i101.png" width="100%" alt="Laying it on" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Laying it on with a Palette-knife.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Miss Sere.</i> "Ah, Mr. Brown, if you could only paint
+me as I was ten years ago!"</p>
+<p><i>Our Portrait Painter</i> (<i>heroically</i>). "I am afraid children's portraits
+are not in my line."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i102.png">
+<img src="images/i102.png" width="100%" alt="the Sixth Rejection" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">After the Sixth Rejection by the R.A.</span></h3>
+<p><i>The Prodigal.</i> "Well, dad, here I am, ready
+to go into the office to-morrow. I've given up my studio and put all my sketches in the fire."</p>
+<p><i>Fond Father.</i> "That's right, 'Arold. Good lad! Your 'art's in the right place, after all!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i103.png">
+<img src="images/i103.png" width="100%" alt="Hamlet" /></a>
+<p><i>Brown</i> (<i>as Hamlet</i>) <i>to Jones</i> (<i>as Charles the Second</i>). "'Normous
+amount of <i>taste</i> displayed here to-night!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i104.png">
+<img src="images/i104.png" width="100%" alt="ART PATRON" /></a>
+<h3>AN ART PATRON</h3>
+<p>"I'll have it if you shorten the 'orizon, and make it quids
+instead of guineas!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i105.png">
+<img src="images/i105.png" width="100%" alt="Show Sunday" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Show Sunday.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Brown</i> (<i>trying to find something to admire in
+Smudge's painting</i>). "By Jove, old chap, those flowers are beautifully
+put in!"</p>
+<p><i>Smudge.</i> "Yes; my old friend&mdash;Thingummy&mdash;'R.A.'
+you know, painted them in for me."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i106.png">
+<img src="images/i106.png" width="100%" alt="Envy" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Envy.</span></h3>
+<p>Scene&mdash;<i>Miss Semple and Dawber, standing near his picture.</i></p>
+<p><i>Miss Semple.</i> "Why, there's a crowd in front of Madder's picture!"</p>
+<p><i>Dawber.</i> "Someone fainted, I suppose!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>AN ARTISTIC EPISODE</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>["Incapacity for work has come to be accepted as the
+hall-mark of genius.... The collector wants only the thing
+that is rare, and therefore the artist must make his work as
+rare as he can."&mdash;<i>Daily Chronicle.</i>]</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Josephine found me stretched full length in a
+hammock in the garden.</p>
+
+<p>"Why aren't you at work?" she asked; "not
+feeling seedy, I hope?"</p>
+
+<p>"Never better," said I. "But I've been making
+myself too cheap."</p>
+
+<p>"We couldn't possibly help going to the Joneses
+last night, dear."</p>
+
+<p>"Tush," said I. "I mean there is too much of
+me."</p>
+
+<p>"I don't quite understand," she said; "but there
+certainly will be if you spend your mornings lolling
+in that hammock."</p>
+
+<p>The distortive wantonness of this remark left me
+cold.</p>
+
+<p>"I have made up my mind," I continued, quite
+seriously, "to do no more work for a considerable
+time."</p>
+
+<p>"But, my dear boy, just think&mdash;&mdash;"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"I'm going to make myself scarce," I insisted.</p>
+
+<p>"Geoffrey!" she exclaimed, "I knew you weren't
+well!"</p>
+
+<p>I released myself.</p>
+
+<p>"Josephine," I said solemnly, "those estimable
+persons who collect my pictures will think nothing
+of them if they become too common."</p>
+
+<p>"How do you know there are such persons?"
+she queried.</p>
+
+<p>"I must decline to answer that question," I
+replied; "but if there are none it is because my
+work is not yet sufficiently rare and precious. I
+propose to work no more&mdash;say, for six or seven
+years. By that time my reputation will be made,
+and there will be the fiercest competition for the
+smallest canvas I condescend to sign."</p>
+
+<p>She kissed me.</p>
+
+<p>"I came out for the housekeeping-money," she
+remarked simply.</p>
+
+<p>I went into the house to fetch the required sum,
+and, by some means I cannot explain, got to work
+again upon the latest potboiler.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Music Readily Acquired.</span>&mdash;Stealing a march.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i107.png">
+<img src="images/i107.png" width="100%" alt="The Storm Fiend" /></a>
+<h4><span class="smcap">The Storm Fiend</span></h4>
+<h3>SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i108.png">
+<img src="images/i108.png" width="100%" alt="Such is Fame" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Such is Fame!</span></h3>
+<p><i>Duchess</i> (<i>with every wish to encourage conversation,
+to gentleman just introduced</i>). "Your name is very familiar to
+me indeed for the last ten years."</p>
+<p><i>Minor Poet</i> (<i>flattered</i>). "Indeed, Duchess! And may I ask what it was that first attracted
+you?"</p>
+<p><i>Duchess.</i> "Well, I was staying with Lady Waldershaw,
+and she had a most indifferent cook, and whenever we found fault
+with any dish she always quoted <i>you</i>, and said that <i>you</i> liked it <i>so
+much</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i109.png">
+<img src="images/i109.png" width="100%" alt="Domestic Bliss" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Domestic Bliss.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Wife of your Bussum.</i> "Oh! I don't
+want to interrupt you, dear. I only want some money for
+baby's socks&mdash;and to know whether you will have the
+mutton cold or hashed."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">In a Minor Key.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Hearty Friend</i> (<i>meeting
+Operatic Composer</i>). Hallo, old man, how are you?
+Haven't seen you for an age! What's your latest
+composition?</p>
+<p><i>Impecunious Musician</i> (<i>gloomily</i>). With my
+creditors. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Exeunt severally.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">To be Sung at Concert Pitch.</span>&mdash;"The Tar's
+Farewell."</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i110.png">
+<img src="images/i110.png" width="100%" alt="Safe" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Safe.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Guest</i> (<i>after a jolly evening</i>). "Good night, ol' fellah&mdash;I'll
+leave my boosh oushide 'door&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Bohemian Host.</i> "Au' right,
+m' boy&mdash;(<i>hic</i>)&mdash;noborry'll toussh 'em&mdash;goo' light!!"&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; [<i>Exeunt.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>CONSOLATIONS FOR THE UNHUNG</h2>
+
+<p>Now that the painful month of suspense in
+Studioland is at an end, it behoves us to apply our
+most soothing embrocation to the wounded feelings
+of geniuses whose works have boomeranged their
+way back from Burlington House. Let them
+remember:</p>
+
+<p>That very few people really look at the pictures
+in the Academy&mdash;they only go to meet their
+friends, or to say they have been there.</p>
+
+<p>That those who <i>do</i> examine the works of art are
+wont to disparage the same by way of showing
+their superior smartness.</p>
+
+<p>That one picture has no chance of recognition
+with fourteen hundred others shouting at it.</p>
+
+<p>That all the best pavement-artists now give
+"one-man" shows. They can thus select their
+own "pitch," and are never ruthlessly skied.</p>
+
+<p>That photography in colours is coming, and
+then the R.A. will have to go.</p>
+
+<p>That Rembrandt, Holbein, Rubens and Vandyck
+were never hung at the summer exhibition.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>That Botticelli, Correggio and Titian managed
+to rub along without that privilege.</p>
+
+<p>That the ten-guinea frame that was bought (or
+owed for) this spring will do splendidly next year
+for another masterpiece.</p>
+
+<p>That the painter <i>must</i> have specimens of his
+best work to decorate the somewhat bare walls of
+his studio.</p>
+
+<p>That the best test of a picture is being able to
+live with it&mdash;or live it down&mdash;so why send it away
+from its most lenient critic?</p>
+
+<p>That probably the <i>chef-d'&oelig;uvre</i> sent in was
+shown to the hanging committee up-side down.</p>
+
+<p>That, supposing they saw it properly, they were
+afraid that its success would put the Academy to
+the expense of having a railing placed in front.</p>
+
+<p>And finally, we would remind the rejected one
+that, after all, his bantling <i>has</i> been exhibited in
+the R.A.&mdash;to the president and his colleagues
+engaged in the work of selection. Somebody at
+least looked at it for quite three seconds.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Art Note.</span>&mdash;<i>The early Italian style.</i>&mdash;An organ-grinder
+at five o'clock in the morning.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i111.png">
+<img src="images/i111.png" width="100%" alt="Rest, Sir" /></a>
+<center>"Rest, Sir?"<br />
+"No thanks, I can reach 'em."</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i112.png">
+<img src="images/i112.png" width="100%" alt="Our Flat" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Our Flat.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Extract from Lady's Correspondence.</i> "&mdash;&mdash; In fact, our reception was a <i>complete</i>
+success. We had some excellent musicians. I daresay you will wonder where we put them,
+with such a crowd of people; but we managed <i>capitally</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i113.png">
+<img src="images/i113.png" width="100%" alt="Show Sunday" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Show Sunday.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Vandyke Browne.</i> "Peace, my dear lady, peace and refinement, those are the two
+essentials in an artist's surroundings."&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; [<i>Enter Master and Miss Browne. Tableau!</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i114.png">
+<img src="images/i114.png" width="100%" alt="Varnishing Day Amenities" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Varnishing Day Amenities.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Little Smudge.</i> "Of course, I know perfectly well my style isn't
+quite developed yet, but I feel I am, if I might so express it, in a <i>transition</i> stage, don't you know,"
+<i>Brother Brush</i> ("<i>skied</i>" <i>this year</i>). "Ah! I see, <i>going from bad to worse</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE MIGHTY PEN</h2>
+
+<p>["With this little instrument that rests so lightly in the
+hand, whole nations can be moved.... When it is poised
+between thumb and finger, it becomes a living thing&mdash;it
+moves with the pulsations of the living heart and thinking
+brain, and writes down, almost unconsciously, the thoughts
+that live&mdash;the words that burn.... It would be difficult to
+find a single newspaper or magazine to which we could turn
+for a lesson in pure and elegant English."&mdash;<i>Miss Corelli in</i>
+"<i>Free Opinions Freely Expressed</i>."]</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">O magic pen, what wonders lie</p>
+<p class="i2">Within your little length!</p>
+<p class="i0">Though small and paltry to the eye</p>
+<p class="i2">You boast a giant's strength.</p>
+<p class="i0">Between my finger and my thumb</p>
+<p class="i0">A living creature you become,</p>
+<p class="i0">And to the listening world you give</p>
+<p class="i0">"The words that burn&mdash;the thoughts that live."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Oft, when the sacred fire glows hot,</p>
+<p class="i2">Your wizard power is proved:</p>
+<p class="i0">You write till lunch, and nations not</p>
+<p class="i2">Infrequently are moved;</p>
+<p class="i0">'Twixt lunch and tea perhaps you damn</p>
+<p class="i0">For good and all, some social sham,</p>
+<p class="i0">And by the time I pause to sup&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">Behold Carnegie crumpled up!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Through your unconscious eyes I see</p>
+<p class="i2">Strange beauty, little pen!</p>
+<p class="i0">You make life exquisite to me,</p>
+<p class="i2">If not to other men.</p>
+<p class="i0">You fill me with an inward joy</p>
+<p class="i0">No outward trouble can destroy,</p>
+<p class="i0">Not even when I struggle through</p>
+<p class="i0">Some foolish ignorant review;</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Nor when the press bad grammar scrawls</p>
+<p class="i2">In wild uncultured haste,</p>
+<p class="i0">And which intolerably galls</p>
+<p class="i2">One's literary taste.</p>
+<p class="i0">What are the editors about,</p>
+<p class="i0">Whom one would think would edit out</p>
+<p class="i0">The shocking English and the style</p>
+<p class="i0">Which every page and line defile?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">There is, alas! no magazine,</p>
+<p class="i2">No paper that one knows</p>
+<p class="i0">To which a man could turn for clean</p>
+<p class="i2">And graceful English prose;</p>
+<p class="i0">Not even, O my pen, though you</p>
+<p class="i0">Yourself may write for one or two,</p>
+<p class="i0">And lend to them a style, a tone,</p>
+<p class="i0">A grammar that is all your own.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">I see the shadows of decay</p>
+<p class="i2">On all sides darkly loom;</p>
+<p class="i0">Massage and manicure hold sway,</p>
+<p class="i2">Cosmetics fairly boom;</p>
+<p class="i0">Old dowagers and budding maids</p>
+<p class="i0">Alike affect complexion-aids,</p>
+<p class="i0">While middle age with anxious care</p>
+<p class="i0">Dyes to restore its dwindling hair.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The time is out of joint, but still</p>
+<p class="i2">I am not hopeless quite</p>
+<p class="i0">So long as you exist, my quill,</p>
+<p class="i2">Once more to set it right.</p>
+<p class="i0">Woman will cease from rouge, I think,</p>
+<p class="i0">Man pour his hair-wash down the sink,</p>
+<p class="i0">If you will yet consent to give</p>
+<p class="i0">"The words that burn&mdash;the thoughts that live."</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A HINT FOR THE PUBLISHERS.</h2>
+
+<p>As the publishing season will soon be in full play&mdash;which
+means that there will be plenty of work&mdash;we
+suggest the following as titles of books, to
+succeed the publication of "People I have Met,"
+by an American:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>People I have taken into Custody, by a Policeman.</p>
+
+<p>People that have Met me Half-way, by an
+Insolvent.</p>
+
+<p>People I have Splashed, by a Scavenger.</p>
+
+<p>People I have Done, by a Jew Bill-discounter.</p>
+
+<p>People I have Abused, by a 'Bus Conductor.</p>
+
+<p>People I have Run Over, by a Butcher's Boy.</p>
+
+<p>People I have Run Against, by a Sweep.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Roaring Trade.</span>&mdash;Keeping a menagerie.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i115.png">
+<img src="images/i115.png" width="100%" alt="Compliments one might Improve on" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Compliments one might Improve on.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Mrs. Mudge.</i> "I <i>do</i> admire the women you
+draw, Mr. Penink. They're <i>so</i> beautiful and <i>so</i> refined! Tell me, <i>who</i> is your model?"
+[<i>Mrs. Mudge rises in Mrs. Penink's opinion.</i>]</p>
+<p><i>Penink.</i> "Oh, my wife always sits for me!"</p>
+<p><i>Mrs. Mudge</i> (<i>with great surprise</i>). "You don't say so! Well, I think you're one of the
+<i>cleverest</i> men I know!"&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; [<i>Mrs. Penink's opinion of Mrs. Mudge falls below zero.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i116.png">
+<img src="images/i116.png" width="100%" alt="The Green-eyed Monster" /></a>
+<h3>"<span class="smcap">The Green-eyed Monster.</span>"</h3>
+<p><i>George</i> (<i>Itinerant Punch-and-Judy Showman</i>).
+"I say, Bill, she <i>do</i> draw!"</p>
+<p><i>Bill</i> (<i>his partner, with drum and box of puppets</i>).
+"H'm&mdash;it's more than <i>we</i> can!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i117.png">
+<img src="images/i117.png" width="100%" alt="Selection" /></a>
+<h3>"<span class="smcap">Selection.</span>"</h3>
+<p><i>Brown</i> (<i>as he was leaving our Art Conversazione,
+after a rattling scramble in the cloak-room</i>). "Confound it! Got
+my own hat, after all!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i118.png">
+<img src="images/i118.png" width="100%" alt="Eccentric Old Gent" title="" /></a>
+<p><i>Eccentric Old Gent</i> (<i>whose pet aversion is a dirty child</i>). "Go
+away, you dirty girl, and wash your face!"</p>
+<p><i>Indignant Youngster.</i> "You go 'ome, you dirty old man,
+and do yer 'air!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Musical Fact.</span>&mdash;People are apt to complain of
+the vile tunes that are played about the streets by
+grinding organs, and yet they may all be said to be
+the music of Handle.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i119.png">
+<img src="images/i119.png" width="100%" alt="IS THERE ROOM FOR MARY THERE?" /></a>
+<h4>IS THERE ROOM FOR MARY THERE?</h4>
+<h3>SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i120.png">
+<img src="images/i120.png" width="100%" alt="an excellent portrait" /></a>
+<p><i>Photographer.</i> "I think this is an excellent portrait of
+your wife."</p>
+<p><i>Mr. Smallweed.</i> "I don't know&mdash;sort of <i>repose</i> about the
+<i>mouth</i> that somehow doesn't seem right."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i121.png">
+<img src="images/i121.png" width="100%" alt="The Great Prize Fight" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">The Great Prize Fight.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Johnnie</i> (<i>who finds that his box</i>,
+£<i>20</i>, <i>has been appropriated by "the Fancy"</i>). "I beg your pardon,
+but this is <i>my</i> box!"</p>
+<p><i>Bill Bashford.</i> "Oh, is it? Well, why don't you tike it?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i122.png">
+<img src="images/i122.png" width="100%" alt="Without Prejudice" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Without Prejudice.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Ugly Man</i> (<i>who thinks he's a privileged
+wag,</i> <i>to artist</i>). "Now, Mr. <i>Daub</i>igny, draw me."</p>
+<p><i>Artist</i> (<i>who doesn't like being called</i> Daub<i>igny,
+and whose real name is Smith</i>). "Certainly. But you <i>won't</i> be offended if it's <i>like</i> you. Eh?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i123.png">
+<img src="images/i123.png" width="100%" alt="I&#39;ve sent all my pictures" /></a>
+<p><i>Scrimble.</i> "So sorry I've none of my work to show you. Fact is,
+I've just sent all my pictures to the Academy."</p>
+<p><i>Mrs. Macmillions.</i> "What a pity! I did so much want to see
+them. How soon do you expect them back?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE YOUNG NOVELIST'S GUIDE TO MEDICINE</h2>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Chloroform.</span> Invaluable to writers of sensational
+stories. Every high-class fictionary criminal
+carries a bottle in his pocket. A few drops, spread
+on a handkerchief and waved within a yard of the
+hero's nose, will produce a state of complete
+unconsciousness lasting for several hours, within
+which time his pockets may be searched at leisure.
+This property of chloroform, familiar to every
+expert novelist, seems to have escaped the notice
+of the medical profession.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Consumption.</span> The regulation illness for use
+in tales of mawkish pathos. Very popular some
+years ago, when the heroine made farewell speeches
+in blank verse, and died to slow music. Fortunately,
+however, the public has lost its fondness for work
+of this sort. Consumption at its last stage is easily
+curable (in novels) by the reappearance of a hero
+supposed to be dead. Two pages later the heroine
+will gain strength in a way which her doctors&mdash;not
+unnaturally&mdash;will describe as "perfectly<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span>
+marvellous." And in the
+next chapter the marriage-bells
+will ring.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 15%">
+<a href="images/i125.png">
+<img src="images/i125.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> Always include
+a doctor among your characters.
+He is quite easy to
+manage, and invariably will
+belong to one of these three
+types: (<i>a</i>) The eminent
+specialist. Tall, imperturbable,
+urbane. Only comes
+incidentally into the story. (<i>b</i>) Young, bustling,
+energetic. Not much practice, and plenty of time
+to look after other people's affairs. Hard-headed
+and practical. Often the hero's college friend.
+Should be given a pretty girl to marry in the last
+chapter. (<i>c</i>) The old family doctor. Benevolent,
+genial, wise. Wears gold-rimmed spectacles,
+which he has to take off and wipe at the pathetic
+parts of the book.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Fever.</span> A nice, useful term for fictionary
+illnesses. It is best to avoid mention of specific
+symptoms, beyond that of "a burning brow,"
+though, if there are any family secrets which need<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span>
+to be revealed, delirium is sure to supervene at a
+later stage. <i>Arthur Pendennis</i>, for instance, had
+fictional "fever," and baffled doctors have
+endeavoured ever since to find out what really
+was the matter with him. "Brain-fever," again,
+is unknown to the
+medical faculty, but
+you may safely afflict
+your intellectual hero
+with it. The treatment
+of fictionary
+fever is quite simple,
+consisting solely of
+frequent doses of
+grapes and cooling
+drinks. These will
+be brought to the
+sufferer by the
+heroine, and these simple remedies administered in
+this way have never been known to fail.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 20%">
+<a href="images/i127.png">
+<img src="images/i127.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Fracture.</span> After one of your characters has
+come a cropper in the hunting-field he will be
+taken on a hurdle to the nearest house: usually, by
+a strange coincidence, the heroine's home. And<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span>
+he will be said to have
+sustained "a compound
+fracture"&mdash;a
+vague description
+which will quite
+satisfy your readers.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Gout.</span> An invaluable
+disease to the
+humorist. Remember
+that heroes and
+heroines are entirely
+immune from it, but
+every rich old uncle
+is bound to suffer from it. The engagement of his
+niece to an impecunious young gentleman invariably
+coincides with a sharp attack of gout. The
+humour of it all is, perhaps, a little difficult to see,
+but it never fails to tickle the public.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 15%">
+<a href="images/i129.png">
+<img src="images/i129.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Heart Disease.</span> An excellent complaint for
+killing off a villain. If you wish to pave the way
+for it artistically, this is the recognised method:
+On page 100 he will falter in the middle of a
+sentence, grow pale, and press his hand sharply to
+his side. In a moment he will have recovered,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span>
+and will assure his anxious friends that it is
+nothing. But the reader knows better. He has
+met the same premonitory symptoms in scores of
+novels, and he will not be in the least surprised
+when, on the middle of page 250, the villain
+suddenly drops dead.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 20%">
+<a href="images/i131.png">
+<img src="images/i131.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Unpopular Game at
+the Royal Academy.</span>&mdash;"High-sky-high!"</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Rough Wine.</span>&mdash;Rude-sheimer.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Nervous.</span>&mdash;Mrs. Malaprop
+was induced to go to a music hall the other evening. She never means to
+set foot in one again. The extortions some of the performers threw
+themselves into quite upset her.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Motto for a model Music-hall Entertainment.</span>&mdash;"Everything
+in its 'turn' and nothing long."</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span></p><hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i124.png">
+<img src="images/i124.png" width="100%" alt="Breaking it Gently" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Breaking it Gently.</span></h3>
+<p><i>His Cousins.</i> "We sent off the wire to
+stop your model coming. But you had put one word too many&mdash;so
+we struck it out."</p>
+<p><i>Real Artist.</i> "Oh, indeed. What word did
+you strike out?"</p>
+<p><i>His Cousins.</i> "You had written 'he wasn't
+to come, as you had only just discovered you couldn't paint to-day.'
+So we crossed out '<i>to-day</i>.'"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i126.png">
+<img src="images/i126.png" width="100%" alt="The State of the Market" /></a>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span></p>
+<h3><span class="smcap">The State of the Market.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Artist</i> (<i>to customer</i>, <i>who has come
+to buy on behalf of a large furnishing firm in Tottenham Court Road</i>):
+"How would this suit you? 'Summer'!"</p>
+<p><i>Customer</i>: "H'm&mdash;'Summer.'
+Well, sir, the fact is we find there's very little demand
+for <i>green</i> goods just now. If you had a line of <i>autumn tints</i> now&mdash;that's
+the article we find most sale for among our customers!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i128.png">
+<img src="images/i128.png" width="100%" alt="Our Amateur Romeo" /></a>
+<p> <i>Our Amateur Romeo</i> (<i>who has taken a cottage in the country, so as
+to be able to study without interruption</i>). "Arise, fair sun, and kill
+the envious moon&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Owner of rubicund countenance</i> (<i>popping
+head over the hedge</i>), "Beg pardon, zur! Be you a talkin' to Oi,
+zur?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i130.png">
+<img src="images/i130.png" width="100%" alt="BITTERS AT THE CLUB" /></a>
+<h3>BITTERS AT THE CLUB</h3>
+<p><i>MacStodge</i> (<i>Pictor ignotus</i>). "Who's that going out?"</p>
+<p><i>O'Duffer</i> (<i>Pictor ignotissimus</i>). "One Ernest Raphael
+Sopely, who painted Lady Midas!"</p>
+<p><i>MacStodge.</i> "Oh, the artist!"</p>
+<p><i>O'Duffer.</i> "No. <i>The Royal Academician!</i>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i132.png">
+<img src="images/i132.png" width="100%" alt="La vie de Bohème" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">La vie de Bohème.</span></h3>
+<p><i>First Bohemian</i> (<i>to second ditto</i>). "I can't
+for the life of me think why you wasted all that time haggling with
+that tailor chap, and beating him down, when you know, old chap,
+you won't be able to pay him at all."</p>
+<p><i>Second Bohemian.</i> "Ah,
+that's <i>it</i>! <i>I</i> have a conscience. I want the poor chap to lose as
+little as possible!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i133.png">
+<img src="images/i133.png" width="100%" alt="Little Guttersnipe" /></a>
+<p><i>Little Guttersnipe</i> (<i>who is getting quite used to posing</i>). "Will
+yer want me ter tike my bun down?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i134.png">
+<img src="images/i134.png" width="100%" alt="Genial Doctor" /></a>
+<p><i>Genial Doctor</i> (<i>after laughing heartily at a joke of his
+patient's</i>). "Ha! ha! ha! There's not much the matter
+with <i>you</i>! Though I do believe that if you were on your
+death-bed you'd make a joke!"</p>
+<p><i>Irrepressible Patient.</i> "Why, of course I should. It
+would be my last chance!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i135.png">
+<img src="images/i135.png" width="100%" alt="I do hope you&#39;ll be hung" /></a>
+<p><i>She</i> (<i>to Raphael Greene</i>, <i>who paints gems for the R.A. that are
+never accepted</i>). "I <i>do</i> hope you'll be hung this year. I'm sure you
+deserve to be!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i136.png">
+<img src="images/i136.png" width="100%" alt="ART INTELLIGENCE" /></a>
+<h3>ART INTELLIGENCE</h3>
+<p><i>She</i> (<i>reads</i>). "There are upwards of fifty English
+painters and sculptors now in Rome&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>He</i> (<i>British Philistine&mdash;served on a late celebrated jury!</i>).
+"Ah! no wonder we couldn't get that scullery white-washed!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i137.png">
+<img src="images/i137.png" width="100%" alt="Devoted little wife" /></a>
+<p><i>Devoted little wife</i> (<i>to hubbie, who has been late at the club</i>). "Now,
+dear, see, your breakfast is quite ready. A nice kipper, grilled
+chicken and mushrooms with bacon, poached eggs on toast&mdash;tea and
+coffee. Anything else you'd like, dearie?"</p>
+<p><i>Victim of last night</i>
+(<i>groans</i>). "Yes&mdash;an appetite!"&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; [<i>Collapses.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i138.png">
+<img src="images/i138.png" width="100%" alt="After Feeding-time" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">After Feeding-time.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Showman of Travelling Menagerie.</i> "Now,
+ladies and gentlemen, we come to the most interesting part of the
+'ole exhibition! Seven different species of hanimals, in the same
+cage, dwellin' in 'armony. You could see them with the naked heye,
+only you have come too late. They are all now inside the lion!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span></p>
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">To Billiard Players.</span>&mdash;If you would obey
+the <i>rules</i> of billiards, always attend to the <i>cannons</i>
+of the game.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Suspensory Act.</span>&mdash;Hanging the Academy
+exhibition.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In the Billiard Room.</span>&mdash;<i>Major Carambole.</i>
+I never give any bribes to the club servants on
+principle.</p>
+
+<p><i>Captain Hazard.</i> Then I suppose the marker
+looks on the tip of your cue without interest.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i139.png">
+<img src="images/i139.png" width="100%" alt="juggling the world" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i140.png">
+<img src="images/i140.png" width="100%" alt="In a Bar" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">In a Bar, Newmarket.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Seedy Individual</i> (<i>to Knowing
+One</i>). "D'yer want to buy a diamond pin cheap?"</p>
+<p><i>Knowing One.</i> "'Ere, get out of this! What d'you take
+me for? A juggins?"</p>
+<p><i>S. I.</i> "Give yer my word it's
+worth sixty quid if it's worth a penny. And you can 'ave
+it for a tenner."</p>
+<p><i>K. O.</i> "Let's 'ave a look at it. Where
+is it?"</p>
+<p><i>S. I.</i> "In that old gent's tie. <i>Will yer 'ave it?</i>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i141.png">
+<img src="images/i141.png" width="100%" alt="SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS" /></a>
+<h3>SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS</h3>
+<p>
+"Yew harxed me woy hoi larved when larve should be<br />
+A thing hun-der-eamed hof larve twixt yew han me.<br />
+Yew moight hin-tereat the sun tew cease tew she-oine<br />
+Has seek tew sty saw deep a larve has moine."<br />
+</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i142.png">
+<img src="images/i142.png" width="100%" alt="SHAKSPEARE ILLUSTRATED" /></a>
+<h3>SHAKSPEARE ILLUSTRATED</h3>
+<p>
+"Oh, my prophetic soul! My uncle!"<br />
+<br />
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>Hamlet</i>, Act I., Sc. 5.<br />
+</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>A BROTHER ARTIST</h2>
+
+<blockquote>["We have regularly attended the Academy now for
+many years, but never do we remember such a poor show of
+portraits; they cannot prove to be otherwise than the
+laughing-stock of tailors and their customers."&mdash;<i>Tailor and
+Cutter.</i>]</blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The tailor leaned upon his goose,</p>
+<p class="i2">And wiped away a tear:</p>
+<p class="i0">"What portraits painting-men produce,"</p>
+<p class="i2">He sobbed, "from year to year!</p>
+<p class="i0">These fellows make their sitters smile</p>
+<p class="i2">In suits that do not fit,</p>
+<p class="i0">They're wrongly buttoned, and the style</p>
+<p class="i2">Is not the thing a bit.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"Oh, artist I'm an artist too!</p>
+<p class="i2">I bid you use restraint,</p>
+<p class="i0">And only show your sitters, do,</p>
+<p class="i2">In fitting coats of paint;</p>
+<p class="i0">In vain you crown those errant seams</p>
+<p class="i2">With smiles that look ethereal,</p>
+<p class="i0">For man may be the stuff of dreams&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">But dreams are not material."</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Medical.</span>&mdash;A sculptor friend, who has strabismus,
+consoles himself with the thought that he can
+always keep his profession in view through having
+a cast in his eye.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i143.png">
+<img src="images/i143.png" width="100%" alt="Frame-maker" /></a>
+<p><i>Frame-maker</i> (<i>to gifted amateur, who is ordering frames for a few
+prints and sketches</i>). "Ah, I suppose you want something cheap an'
+ordinary for <i>this</i>?"</p>
+<p>[<i>N.B.</i>&mdash;<i>"This" was a cherished little sketch by our amateur himself.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Not quite the Same.</span>&mdash;Scene: <i>Exhibition of
+Works of Art.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Dealer</i> (<i>to friend, indicating stout person closely
+examining a Vandyke</i>). Do you know who <i>that</i>
+is? I so often see him about.</p>
+
+<p><i>Friend.</i> I know him. He's a collector.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dealer</i> (<i>much interested</i>). Indeed! What does
+he collect? Pictures?</p>
+
+<p><i>Friend.</i> No. Income tax.</p>
+
+<p>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Exeunt severally.</i><br />
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Art Class.</span>&mdash;<i>Inspector.</i> What is a "landscape
+painter"?</p>
+
+<p><i>Student.</i> A painter of landscapes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inspector.</i> Good. What is an "animal painter"?</p>
+
+<p><i>Student.</i> A painter of animals.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inspector.</i> Excellent. What is a "marine
+painter"?</p>
+
+<p><i>Student.</i> A painter of marines.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inspector.</i> Admirable! Go and tell it them.
+Call next class.</p>
+
+<p>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Exeunt students.</i><br />
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Best "Publisher's Circular."</span>&mdash;A round
+dining-table.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i144.png">
+<img src="images/i144.png" width="100%" alt="Social Agonies" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Social Agonies.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Anxious Musician</i> (<i>in a whisper</i>, <i>to Mrs. Lyon
+Hunter's butler</i>). "Where's my cello?"</p>
+<p><i>Butler</i> (<i>in stentorian
+tones</i>, <i>to the room</i>). "Signor Weresmicello!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i145.png">
+<img src="images/i145.png" width="100%" alt="Jones has lost&mdash;his figure" /></a>
+<p><i>Brown.</i> "Pity Jones has lost&mdash;his figure!"</p>
+<p><i>Robinson.</i> "Not <i>lost</i>, but gone before!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i146.png">
+<img src="images/i146.png" width="100%" alt="Enthusiastic Briton" /></a>
+<p><i>Enthusiastic Briton</i> (<i>to seedy American</i>, <i>who has been running down
+all our national monuments</i>). "But even if our Houses of Parliament
+'aren't in it,' as you say, with the Masonic Temple of Chicago, surely,
+sir, you will admit the Thames Embankment, for instance&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Seedy American.</i> "Waal, <i>guess</i> I don't think so durned much of
+your Thames Embankment, neither. It <i>rained</i> all the blarmed time
+the night I <i>slep on it</i>."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span></p>
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Professional View of Things.</span>&mdash;Old
+Paynter never neglects any opportunity for advancing
+art. Every evening he has the cloth
+drawn.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Beverage for a Musician.</span>&mdash;Thorough bass.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Poetical Licence.</span>&mdash;A music-hall's.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Turf Reform.</span>&mdash;Mowing your lawn.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Monster Meeting.</span>.&mdash;A giant and a dwarf.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Soaker's Paradise.</span>&mdash;Dropmore.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i147.png">
+<img src="images/i147.png" width="100%" alt="FINIS" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>BRADBURY, AGNEW, &amp; CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.</center>
+<br /><br />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch in Bohemia, by Various
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch in Bohemia, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Mr. Punch in Bohemia
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: J. A. Hammerton
+
+Illustrator: Various
+
+Release Date: April 14, 2011 [EBook #35874]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH IN BOHEMIA ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, David Edwards and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  MR. PUNCH IN BOHEMIA
+
+  PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON
+
+Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the
+cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic
+draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its
+beginning in 1841 to the present day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH IN BOHEMIA
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SHAKSPEARE ILLUSTRATED
+
+        "Tedious as a twice-told tale,
+    Vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man."
+
+      _King John._ Act III., Sc. 4.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH IN BOHEMIA
+
+OR THE LIGHTER SIDE OF LITERARY, ARTISTIC AND PROFESSIONAL LIFE
+
+[Illustration]
+
+AS PICTURED BY
+
+PHIL MAY, CHARLES KEENE, GEORGE DU MAURIER, DUDLEY HARDY, FRED PEGRAM,
+F. H. TOWNSEND, LEWIS BAUMER, L. RAVEN-HILL, J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, E.
+T. REED, H. M. BROCK, C. E. BROCK, TOM BROWNE, GUNNING KING, HARRY
+FURNISS, A. WALLIS MILLS, G. L. STAMPA, AND OTHERS
+
+_156 ILLUSTRATIONS_
+
+PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH
+
+THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"
+
+THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+_Twenty-five Volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_
+
+LIFE IN LONDON
+
+COUNTRY LIFE
+
+IN THE HIGHLANDS
+
+SCOTTISH HUMOUR
+
+IRISH HUMOUR
+
+COCKNEY HUMOUR
+
+IN SOCIETY
+
+AFTER DINNER STORIES
+
+IN BOHEMIA
+
+AT THE PLAY
+
+MR. PUNCH AT HOME
+
+ON THE CONTINONG
+
+RAILWAY BOOK
+
+AT THE SEASIDE
+
+MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
+
+IN THE HUNTING FIELD
+
+MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
+
+WITH ROD AND GUN
+
+MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
+
+BOOK OF SPORTS
+
+GOLF STORIES
+
+IN WIG AND GOWN
+
+ON THE WARPATH
+
+BOOK OF LOVE
+
+WITH THE CHILDREN
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WAY TO BOHEMIA
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Time was when Bohemianism was synonymous with soiled linen and unkempt
+locks. But those days of the ragged Bohemia have happily passed away,
+and that land of unconventional life--which had finally grown
+conventional in its characteristics--has now become "a sphere of
+influence" of Modern Society! In a word, it is now respectable. There
+are those who firmly believe it has been wiped off the social map. The
+dress suit and the proprieties are thought by some to be incompatible
+with its existence. But it is not so; the new Bohemia is surely no less
+delightful than the old. The way to it is through the doors of almost
+any of the well-known literary and art clubs of London. Its inhabitants
+are our artists, our men of letters, our musicians, and, above all, our
+actors.
+
+In the present volume we are under the guidance of Mr. Punch, himself
+the very flower of London's Bohemia, into this land of light-hearted
+laughter and the free-and-easy manner of living. We shall follow him
+chiefly through the haunts of the knights of the pen and pencil, as we
+have another engagement to spend some agreeable hours with him in the
+theatrical and musical world. It should be noted, however, that we shall
+not be limited to what has been called "Upper Bohemia", but that we
+shall, thanks to his vast experience, be able to peep both at the old
+and new.
+
+Easily first amongst the artists who have depicted the humours of
+Bohemia is Phil May. Keene and Du Maurier run him close, but their
+Bohemia is on the whole more artistic, less breezily, raggedly, hungrily
+unconventional than his. It is a subject that has inspired him with some
+of his best jokes, and some of his finest drawings.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+MR. PUNCH IN BOHEMIA
+
+THE INVALID AUTHOR.--_Wife._ "Why, nurse is reading a book, darling! Who
+gave it her?" _Husband._ "_I_ did, my dear." _Wife._ "What book is it?"
+_Husband._ "It's my last." _Wife._ "Darling! When you _knew_ how
+important it is that _she shouldn't go to sleep_!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BOOKWORM'S OBSERVATION.--When a man has got turned of 70, he is in the
+appendix of life.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TABLE OF CONTENTS.--The dinner table.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE GRUB AND THE BUTTERFLY
+
+   I.
+
+"All right, sir. I'll just wash 'er face, sir, and then she shall come
+round to your stoodio, sir."
+
+  II.
+
+"Here's a little girl come for you, sir!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCH'S PROVERBS
+
+  Most sticks have two ends, and a muff gets hold of the wrong one.
+
+  The good boy studies his lesson; the bad boy gets it.
+
+  If sixpence were sunshine, it would never be lost in the giving.
+
+  The man that is happy in all things will rejoice in potatoes.
+
+  Three removes are better than a dessert.
+
+  Dinner deferred maketh the hungry man mad.
+
+  Bacon without liver is food for the mind.
+
+  Forty winks or five million is one sleep.
+
+  You don't go to the Mansion House for skilligolee.
+
+  Three may keep counsel if they retain a barrister.
+
+  What is done cannot be underdone.
+
+  You can't make a pair of shoes out of a pig's tail.
+
+  Dinner hour is worth every other, except bedtime.
+
+  No hairdresser puts grease into a wise man's head.
+
+  An upright judge for a downright rogue.
+
+  Happiness is the hindmost horse in the Derby.
+
+  Look before you sit.
+
+  Bear and forebear is Bruin and tripe.
+
+  Believe twice as much as you hear of a lady's age.
+
+  Content is the conjuror that turns mock-turtle into real.
+
+  There is no one who perseveres in well-doing like a thorough humbug.
+
+  The loosest fish that drinks is tight.
+
+  Education won't polish boots.
+
+  Experience is the mother of gumption.
+
+  Half-a-crown is better than no bribe.
+
+  Utopia hath no law.
+
+  There is no cruelty in whipping cream.
+
+  Care will kill a cat; carelessness a Christian.
+
+  He who lights his candle at both ends, spills grease.
+
+  Keep your jokes to yourself, and repeat other people's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEST TEXT-BOOK FOR PUGILISTS.--Knox on anatomy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ACROBATS' TIPPLE.--Champagne in tumblers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH.--_Fond Mother._ "I
+_do_ wish you would look over some of my little boy's sketches, and give
+me your candid opinion on them. They strike me as perfectly marvellous
+for one so young. The other day he drew a horse and cart, and, I can
+assure you, you could scarcely tell the difference."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR SMOKING CONCERT
+
+_Irate Member._ "Well, I'll take my oath I came in a hat!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EDITORS
+
+     ["Editors, behind their officialism, are human just like other
+     folks, for they think and they work, they laugh and they play, they
+     marry--just as others do. The best of them are brimful of human
+     nature, sympathetic and kindly, and full of the zest of life and
+     its merry ways."--_Round About_.]
+
+To look at, the ordinary editor is so like a human being that it takes
+an expert to tell the difference.
+
+When quite young they make excellent pets, but for some strange reason
+people never confess that they have editors in the house.
+
+Marriage is not uncommon among editors, and monogamy is the rule rather
+than the exception.
+
+The chief hobby of an editor is the collection of stamped addressed
+envelopes, which are sent to him in large numbers. No one knows why he
+should want so many of these, but we believe he is under the impression
+that by collecting a million of them he will be able to get a child into
+some hospital.
+
+Of course in these enlightened days it is illegal to shoot editors,
+while to destroy their young is tantamount to murder.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Country Cousin_ (_looking at Index of R. A. Catalogue_).
+"Uncle, what does 1, 3, 6, 8, after a man's name, mean?"
+
+_Uncle_ (_who has been dragged there much against his will_). "Eh! What?
+1, 3---- Oh, _Telephone number_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN THE ARTIST'S ROOM.--_Potztausend._ "My friend, it is
+kolossal! most remark-worthy! You remind me on Rubinstein; but you are
+better as he." _Pianist (pleased)._ "Indeed! How?" _Potztausend._ "In de
+bersbiration. My friend Rubinstein could never bersbire so moch!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BROTHERS IN ART.--_New Arrival._ "What should I charge
+for teaching ze pianoforte?" _Old Stager._ "Oh, I don't know." _N. A._
+"Vell, tell me vot _you_ charge." _O. S._ "_I_ charge five guineas a
+lesson." _N. A._ "Himmel! how many pupils have you got?" _O. S._ "Oh, I
+have no pupils!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DIVISION OF LABOUR
+
+     ["_Journalism._--Gentleman (barrister) offers furnished bedroom in
+     comfortable, cheerful chambers in Temple in return for equivalent
+     journalistic assistance, &c."--_Times._]
+
+The "equivalent" is rather a nice point. _Mr. Punch_ suggests for other
+gentlemen barristers the following table of equivalence:--
+
+  1 furnished bedroom.      = {1 introduction (by letter) to
+                              {sub-editor of daily paper.
+
+  1 furnished bedroom}      = {1 introduction (personal) to
+  with use of bath.  }        {sub-editor.
+
+                              {1 introduction and interview
+  1 bed-sitting-room.       = { (five minutes guaranteed)
+                              {with editor.
+
+  2 furnished rooms.}       = {1 lunch (cold) with Dr.
+                              {Robertson Nicoll.
+
+  2 furnished rooms, with}  = {1 lunch (hot) with Dr. Nicoll
+  use of bath.           }    {and Claudius Clear.
+
+  1 furnished flat, with  }   {1 bridge night with Lord
+  all modern conveniences,} = {Northcliffe, Sir George
+  electric light,         }   {Newnes, and Mr. C. A.
+  trams to the corner, &c.}   {Pearson.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When is an author most likely to be sick of his own writing?
+
+When he's regularly _in the swing_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DRINK TO ME ONLY WITH THINE EYES
+
+SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Little Griggs_ (_to caricaturist_). "By Jove, old
+feller, I wish you'd been with me this morning; you'd have seen such a
+funny looking chap!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: (_Model wishing to say something pleasant._) "You must
+have painted uncommonly well when you were young!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DINNER AND DRESS.--Full dress is not incompatible with low dress. At
+dinner it is not generally the roast or the boiled that are not dressed
+enough. If young men are raw, that does not much signify but it is not
+nice to see girls underdone.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CHEAP BATH.--A farthing dip.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"LIGHT DUES."--Photographers' charges.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"LETTERED EASE."--The catalogue of the British Museum.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PROFESSIONAL VIEW OF THINGS.--Trecalfe, our bookseller, who has
+recently got married, says of his wife, that he feels that her life is
+bound up in his.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TAVERN WINE MEASURE
+
+  2 sips      make  1 glass.
+  2 glasses   make  1 pint.
+  2 pints     makes 1 quart bottle.
+  1 bottle    makes one ill.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BOARDING-OUT SYSTEM.--Dining at the club.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mrs. Mashem._ "_Bull-bull_ and I have been sitting for
+our photographs as 'Beauty and the Beast'!"
+
+_Lord Loreus_ (_a bit of a fancier_). "Yes; he certainly _is_ a beauty,
+isn't he?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHORT RULES FOR CALCULATION.--_To Find the Value of a Dozen
+Articles._--Send them to a magazine, and double the sum offered by the
+proprietor.
+
+_Another Way._--Send them to the butterman, who will not only fix their
+value, but their weight, at per pound.
+
+_To Find the Value of a Pound at any price._--Try to borrow one, when
+you are desperately hard up.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Member of the Lyceum Club._ Have you read Tolstoi's "Resurrection"?
+
+_Member of the Cavalry Club._ No. Is that the name of Marie Corelli's
+new book?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONVIVIAL TOAST (_For a Temperance Fete_)
+
+FILL high: Drink _L'eau_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_First Reveller_ (_on the following morning_). "I say, is it true you
+were the only sober man last night?"
+
+_Second Reveller._ "Of course not!"
+
+_First Reveller._ "Who was, then?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN UGLY BARGAIN.--A cheap bull-dog.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE DUMAS CRAZE
+
+_Brown_ (_who, with his friends Jones and Robinson, is in town for a
+week and is "going it"_). "Now, Mr. Costumier, we are going to this 'ere
+ball, and we want you to make us hup as the Three Musketeers!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CHEERFUL PROSPECT.--_Jones._ "I say, Miss Golightly,
+it's awfully good of you to accompany me, you know. If I've tried this
+song once, I've tried it a dozen times--_and I've always broken down in
+the third verse!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BEYOND PRAISE.--_Roscius._ "But you haven't got a word of
+praise for anyone. I should like to know who you would consider a
+finished artist?"
+
+_Criticus._ "A dead one, my boy--a dead one!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STALE NEWS FRESHLY TOLD.--A physician cannot obtain recovery of his
+fees, although he may cause the recovery of his patient.
+
+Dress may be seized for rent, and a coat without cuffs may be collared
+by the broker.
+
+A married woman can acquire nothing, the proper tie of marriage making
+all she has the proper-ty of her husband.
+
+You may purchase any stamp at the stamp-office, except the stamp of a
+gentleman.
+
+Pawnbrokers take such enormous interest in their little pledges, that if
+they were really pledges of affection, the interest taken could hardly
+be exceeded.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE AUTHORS OF OUR OWN PLEASURES.--Next to the pleasure of having done a
+good action, there is nothing so sweet as the pleasure of having written
+a good article!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.--When the organ nuisance shall have been swept
+away from our streets, that fearful instrument of ear-piercing torture
+called the hurdy-gurdy will then (thank Parliament!) be known as the
+_un-heardy_-gurdy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MY MOTHER BIDS ME BIND MY HAIR
+
+SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FEW GOLDEN RULES TRANSMUTED INTO BRASS
+
+THE GOLDEN RULE.
+
+1. Never put off till to-morrow what you can do to-day.
+
+2. Never trouble another for a trifle which you can do yourself.
+
+3. Never spend your money before you have it, if you would make the most
+of your means.
+
+4. Nothing is troublesome that we do willingly.
+
+THE BRAZEN RULE.
+
+1. Put off till to-morrow the dun who won't be done to-day.
+
+2. When another would trouble you for a trifle, never trouble yourself.
+
+3. Spend your money before you have it; and when you have it, spend it
+again, for by so doing you enjoy your means twice, instead of only once.
+
+4. You have only to do a creditor willingly, and he will never be
+troublesome.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LITERARY PURSUIT.--Chasing a newspaper in a high wind.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE TRUE TEST.--
+
+_First Screever_ (_stopping before a pastel in a picture dealer's
+window_). "Ullo 'Erbert, look 'ere! Chalks!"
+
+_Second Screever._ "Ah, very tricky, I dessay. But you set that chap on
+the pivement alongside o' you an' me, to dror 'arf a salmon an' a nempty
+'at, an' where 'ud 'e be?"
+
+_First Screever._ "Ah!"]
+
+    [_Exeunt ambo._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUSICAL NEWS (NOOSE).--We perceive from a foreign paper that a criminal
+who has been imprisoned for a considerable period at Presburg has
+acquired a complete mastery over the violin. It has been announced that
+he will shortly make an appearance in public. Doubtless, his performance
+will be _a solo on one string_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Sporting Prophet_ (_playing billiards_). Marker, here's the tip off
+this cue as usual.
+
+_Marker._ Yes, sir. Better give us one of your "tips," sir, as _they
+never come off_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ART DOGMA.--An artist's wife never admires her husband's work so much as
+when he is drawing her a cheque.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE UNITED EFFORT OF SIX ROYAL ACADEMICIANS.--What colour is it that
+contains several? An umber (_a number_).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEM. AT BURLINGTON HOUSE.--A picture may be "capitally executed" without
+of necessity being "well hung." And _vice versa_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SCHISM TO BE APPROVED OF.--A witticism.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EXCELSIOR!--
+
+_She._ "I didn't know you were a _musician_, Herr Mueller."
+
+_He._ "A musician? Ach, no--Gott vorpit! I am a _Wagnerian_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN AUTHOR'S CRY OF AGONY
+
+(_Wrung from him by the repeated calls of the printer's boy_)
+
+"Oh! that devils' visits were, like angels', 'few and far between!'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RIDDLES BY A WRETCH.--_Q._ What is the difference between a surgeon and
+a wizard?
+
+_A._ The one is a cupper and the other is a sorcerer.
+
+_Q._ Why is America like the act of reflection?
+
+_A._ Because it is a roomy-nation.
+
+_Q._ Why is your pretty cousin like an alabaster vase?
+
+_A._ Because she is an _objet de looks_.
+
+_Q._ How is it that a man born in Truro can never be an Irishman?
+
+_A._ Because he always is a true-Roman.
+
+_Q._ Why is my game cock like a bishop?
+
+_A._ Because he has his crows here (_crozier_).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COUPLET BY A CYNIC
+
+(_After reading certain Press Comments on the Picture Show_)
+
+    Philistine art may stand all critic shocks
+    Whilst it gives private views--of pretty frocks!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RETALIATION.--
+
+_Comic Man_ (_to unappreciated tenor, whose song has just been received
+in stony silence_). "I say, you're not going to sing an encore, are
+you?"
+
+_Unappreciated Tenor_ (_firmly_). "Yes, I am. _Serve them right!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN INDUCEMENT.--
+
+_Swedish Exercise Instructress._ "Now, ladies, if you will only follow
+my directions carefully, it is quite possible that you may become even
+as I am!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MORE SWEDISH INSTRUCTION.--
+
+_Instructress_ (_to exhausted class, who have been hopping round room
+for some time_). "Come! Come! That won't do at all. You _must_ look
+cheerful. Keep smiling--smiling all the time!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BATCH OF PROOFS
+
+  The proof of a pudding is in the eating:
+  The proof of a woman is in making a pudding;
+  And the proof of a man is in being able to dine without one.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A REFLECTION ON LITERATURE.--It is a well-authenticated fact, that the
+name of a book has a great deal to do with its sale and its success. How
+strange that titles should go for so much in the republic of letters.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR THE REJECTED AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY (_suggested by one of the
+Forty_).--"Hanging's too good for them!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUGGESTION FOR A MUSIC-HALL SONG (_to suit any Lionne Comique_).--"Wink
+at _me only_ with one eye," &c., &c.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AMPLE GROUNDS FOR COMPLAINT.--Finding the grounds of your coffee to
+consist of nothing but chicory.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SMILING COUNTENANCE is "The happy mien."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Publisher_ (_impatiently_). "Well, sir, what is it?"
+
+_Poet_ (_timidly_). "O--er--are you Mr. Jobson?"
+
+_Publisher_ (_irritably_). "Yes."
+
+_Poet_ (_more timidly_). "Mr. _George_ Jobson?"
+
+_Publisher_ (_excitably_). "Yes, sir, that's my name."
+
+_Poet_ (_more timidly still_). "Of the firm of Messrs. Jobson and
+Doodle?"
+
+_Publisher_ (_angrily_). "Yes. What do you want?"
+
+_Poet_ "Oh--I want to see Mr. Doodle!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR ORCHESTRAL SOCIETY.--_The Rector._ "Oh, _piano_, Mr.
+Brown! _Pi-an-o!_"
+
+_Mr. Brown._ "_Piano_ be blowed! I've come here to enjoy myself!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Customer._--"Have you 'How to be happy though married'?"
+
+_Bookseller._ "No, sir. We have run out at present of the work you
+mention; but we are selling this little book by the hundred."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LETTER TO A YOUNG PUBLISHER
+
+Since, my dear Jones, you are good enough to ask for my advice, need I
+say that your success in business will depend chiefly upon judicious
+advertisement? You are bringing out, I understand, a thrilling story of
+domestic life, entitled "Maria's Marriage." Already, I am glad to learn,
+you have caused a paragraph to appear in the literary journals
+contradicting "the widespread report that Mr. Kipling and the German
+Emperor have collaborated in the production of this novel, the
+appearance of which is awaited with such extraordinary interest." And
+you have induced a number of papers to give prominence to the fact that
+Mr. Penwiper dines daily off curry and clotted cream. So far, so good.
+Your next step will be to send out review-copies, together with
+ready-made laudatory criticisms; in order, as you will explain, to save
+the hard worked reviewers trouble. But, you will say, supposing this
+ingenious device to fail? Supposing "Maria's Marriage" to be
+universally "slated"? Well, even then you need not despair. With a
+little practice, you will learn the art of manufacturing an attractive
+advertisement column from the most unpromising material. Let me give you
+a brief example of the method:--
+
+I.--THE RAW MATERIAL.
+
+"Mr. Penwiper's latest production, 'Maria's Marriage,' scarcely calls
+for serious notice. It seems hard to believe that even the most tolerant
+reader will contrive to study with attention a work of which every page
+contains glaring errors of taste. Humour, smartness, and interest are
+all conspicuously wanting."--_The Thunderer._
+
+"This book is undeniably third-rate--dull, badly-written, incoherent; in
+fine, a dismal failure."--_The Wigwam._
+
+"If 'Maria's Marriage' has any real merit, it is as an object-lesson to
+aspiring authors. Here, we would say to them, is a striking example of
+the way in which romance should not be written. Set yourself to produce
+a work exactly its opposite in every particular, and the chances are
+that you will produce, if not a masterpiece, at least, a tale free from
+the most glaring faults. For the terrible warning thus afforded by his
+volume to budding writers, Mr. Penwiper deserves to be heartily
+thanked."--_Daily Telephone._
+
+"'Maria's Marriage' is another book that we have received in the course
+of the month."--_The Parachute._
+
+II.--THE RESULT.
+
+"Maria's Marriage!" "Maria's Marriage!"
+
+Gigantic Success--The Talk of London.
+
+The 29th edition will be issued this week if the sale of twenty-eight
+previous ones makes this necessary. Each edition is strictly limited!
+
+"Maria's Marriage!"
+
+The voice of the Press is simply _unanimous_. Read the following
+extracts--taken almost at random from the reviews of leading papers.
+
+"Mr. Penwiper's latest production ... calls for serious notice ... the
+reader will ... study with attention a work of which every page contains
+taste, humour, smartness and interest!"--_The Thunderer._
+
+"Undeniably ... fine!"--_The Wigwam._
+
+"Has ... real merit ... an object lesson ... a striking example of the
+way in which romance ... should be written. A masterpiece ... free from
+faults. Mr. Penwiper deserves to be heartily thanked."--_Daily
+Telephone._
+
+"The book ... of the month!"--_The Parachute_, &c., &c.
+
+"Maria's Marriage!" A veritable triumph! Order it from your bookseller
+to-day!
+
+That, my dear Jones, is how the trick is done. I hope to give you some
+further hints on a future occasion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"PRAY, AFTER YOU," as the glass of water said to the pill.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRUISM FOR TEETOTALERS.--When a man is _out_ of spirits--he should take
+wine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NEEDLESS QUESTION.--"Do you want a loan?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BRITISH "PUBLIC."--The beer-shop.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORNING ENVELOPES.--Dressing gowns.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "_Operator_" (_desperately, after half an hour's
+fruitless endeavour to make a successful "picture" from unpromising
+sitter_). "Suppose, madam, we try a pose with just the _least_
+suggestion of--er--_sauciness_?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GUSHING HOSPITALITY. (Time 3 p.m.).--_Hospitable Host._
+"Have c'gar, old f'lla?"
+
+_Languid Visitor._ "No--thanks."
+
+_H. H._ "Cigarette then?"
+
+_His Visitor._ "No--thanks. Nevar smoke 'mejately after breakfast."
+
+_H. H._ "Can't refuse a toothpick, then, old f'lla?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PROPORTIONS.--_Buyer._ "In future, as my collection
+increases, and my wall-space is limited, and price no object, perhaps
+you would let me have a little more 'picture,' and a little less
+'mount'!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INGENUOUS!--_Jones_ (_to his fair partner, after their
+opponents have declared "clubs"_). "Shall I play to 'clubs', partner?"
+
+_Fair Partner_ (_who has never played bridge before_). "Oh, no, please
+don't, Mr. Jones. I've only got two little ones."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _She._ "And are all these lovely things about which you
+write imaginary?"
+
+_The Poet._ "Oh, no, Miss Ethel. I have only to open my eyes and I see
+something beautiful before me."
+
+_She._ "Oh, how I wish I could say the same!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT THE R.A.--_First Painter._ "I've just been showing my
+aunt round. Most amusing. Invariably picks out the wrong pictures to
+admire and denounces the good ones!"
+
+_Second Painter._ "Did she say anything about mine?"
+
+_First Painter._ "Oh, she liked yours!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I say, old man, I've invented a new drink. Big success!
+Come and try it."
+
+"What's it made of?"
+
+"Well, it's something like the ordinary whisky and soda, but you put
+more whisky in it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PROPHET IN HIS OWN COUNTRY
+
+_Sylvia._ "I wonder whether he'll be a soldier or a sailor?"
+
+_Mamma._ "Wouldn't you like him to be an artist, like papa?"
+
+_Sylvia._ "Oh, one in the family's quite enough!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE BITTER END."--The last half inch of a halfpenny cigar.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WORST POSSIBLE NAME FOR AN AUTHOR.--Dr. Dozy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Why oughtn't a boot and shoemaker to be trusted?
+
+Because he's a slippery customer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RACE FOR WEALTH.--Jews.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BASSO PROFONDO.--A deep draught of bitter beer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EXERCISE FOR CITY CLERKS.--A run on a Bank.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PASSING THE TIME.--Going by a clock.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Coming off with flying colours]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THY FACE
+
+SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LITERARY NOTES
+
+A well-known diner-out has, we learn, collected his reminiscences, and
+would be glad to hear from some obliging gentleman or gentlemen who
+would "earnestly request" him to publish them.
+
+We should add that no names would be mentioned, the preface merely
+opening as follows:--
+
+     "Although these stray gleanings of past years are of but ephemeral
+     value, and though they were collected with no thought of
+     publication, the writer at the earnest request of a friend" (or
+     "many friends," if more than one) "has reluctantly consented to
+     give his scattered reminiscences to the world."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The following volumes in "The Biter Bit" series are announced as shortly
+to appear:--
+
+"The Fighter Fit; or practical hints on pugilistic training."
+
+"The Lighter Lit: a treatise on the illumination of Thames barges."
+
+"The Slighter Slit: or a new and economical method of cutting out."
+
+"The Tighter Tit: studies in the comparative inebriation of birds."
+
+[Illustration: Some fine form was exhibited]
+
+[Illustration: A two-figure break]
+
+[Illustration: A heat of 500 up]
+
+[Illustration: Finishing the game with a cannon]
+
+[Illustration: Opening with the customary miss]
+
+[Illustration: Spot barred]
+
+BILLIARD NOTES BY DUMB-CRAMBO
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SENDING-IN-DAY AT THE R. A.
+
+"But it is impossible for you to see the President. What do you want to
+see him for?"
+
+"I want to show him exactly where I want my picture hung."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Millionaire._ "Yes; I'm awful partial to picters. Why,
+bless yer, I've got _cellars_ full of 'em!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE EXHIBITION"]
+
+_Infuriated Outsider._ "R-r-r-rejected, sir!----Fwanospace, sir!" (_With
+withering emphasis._) "'Want--of--space--sir!!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Look here, Schlumpenhagen, you must help us at our
+smoking concert. You play the flute, don't you?"
+
+"Not ven dere ish anypotty apout."
+
+"How's that?"
+
+"Dey _von't let me_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROCHEFOUCAULDIANA
+
+There is no sympathy in England so universally felt, so largely
+expressed, as for a person who is likely to catch cold.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When a person loses his reputation, the very last place where he goes to
+look for it is the place where he has lost it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+No gift so fatal as that of singing. The principal question asked, upon
+insuring a man's life, should be, "Do you sing a good song?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Many of us are led by our vices, but a great many more of us follow them
+without any leading at all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+To show how deceptive are appearances, more gentlemen are mistaken for
+waiters, than waiters for gentlemen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+To a retired tradesman there can be no greater convenience than that of
+having a "short sight." In truth, wealth rarely improves the vision.
+Poverty, on the contrary, strengthens it. A man, when he is poor, is
+able to discover objects at the greatest distance with the naked eye,
+which he could not see, though standing close to his elbow, when he was
+rich.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If you wish to set a room full of silent people off talking, get some
+one to sing a song.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The bore is happy enough in boring others, but is never so miserable as
+when left alone, when there is no one but himself to bore.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The contradictions of this life are wonderful. Many a man, who hasn't
+the courage to say "no," never misses taking a shower-bath every morning
+of his life.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If you wish to borrow L5 ask for L10.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHAT BROWN SAID
+
+SCENE--_Hall of the Elysium Club_
+
+_Enter_ Smith, F.R.S., _meeting_ Brown, Q.C.
+
+_Smith._ Raw day, eh?
+
+_Brown._ Very _raw_. Glad when it's _done_.
+
+     [_Exit_ Brown, Q.C. _Exit_ Smith, F.R.S., _into smoking-room, where
+     he tells a good thing that_ Brown _said_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT THE ACADEMY
+
+_Miss Jones._ "How came you to think of the subject, Mr. de Brush?"
+
+_Eccentric Artist._ "Oh, I have had it in my head for years!"
+
+_Miss Jones._ "How wonderful! What did the papers say?"
+
+_Eccentric Artist._ "Said it was full of 'atmosphere,' and suggested
+'space.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INTELLIGENT!--_Artist_ (_who thinks he has found a good
+model for his Touchstone_). "Have you any sense of humour, Mr. Bingles?"
+
+_Model._ "Thank y' sir, no, sir, thank y'. I enj'ys pretty good 'ealth,
+sir, thank y' sir!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PERILS OF A CONVERSAZIONE
+
+_Miss Fillip_ (_to gentleman whose name she did not catch when
+introduced_). Have you read _A Modern Heliogabolus_?
+
+_He._ Yes, I have.
+
+_Miss F._ All through?
+
+_He._ Yes, from beginning to end.
+
+_Miss F._ Dear me! I wonder you're alive! How did you manage to get
+through it?
+
+_He_ (_diffidently_). Unfortunately, I wrote it.
+
+[_Miss F. catches a distant friend's eye._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SOUND SLEEPER'S PARADISE.--Snoring.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_PATENT_ NIGHT-LIGHTS.--Stars.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EPITAPH ON A CHAMPION BILLIARD PLAYER.--"Taking his long rest."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TONED PAPER.--Sheets of music.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ITEM ON A MENU OF LITERARY PABULUM.--"Shakspeare and Bacon."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RACE GLASSES.--Champagne.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MAID OF THE MILL.--A lady boxer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SENTIMENT.--(_Artistic-minded Youth in midst of a fierce
+harangue from his father, who is growing hotter and redder_). "By Jove,
+that's a fine bit of colour, if you like!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "What an ass old Brown is!"
+
+"Oh, I don't know. He's got far more brains than appear on the
+surface."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Art-Master_ (_who has sent for a cab, pointing to
+horse_). "What do you call that?"
+
+_Cabby._ "An 'orse, sir."
+
+_Art-Master._ "A horse! Rub it out, and do it again!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PARCEL OF PROVERBS, &c. COMPLETED
+
+  Take time by the forelock--to have his hair cut.
+
+  Follow your leader--in your daily paper.
+
+  The proof of the pudding is in the eating--a great deal of it.
+
+  Never look a gift-horse in the mouth--lest you should find false teeth.
+
+  The hare with many friends--was eaten at last.
+
+  A stitch in time saves nine--or more naughty words, when a button comes
+  off while you are dressing in a great hurry for dinner.
+
+  One man's meat is another man's poison--when badly cooked.
+
+  Don't count your chickens before they are hatched--by the patent
+  incubator.
+
+  Love is blind--and unwilling to submit to an operation.
+
+  First catch your hare--then cook it with rich gravy.
+
+  Nil Desperandum--PERCY VERE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NON-COMMITTAL.--
+
+Scene: _Fashionable Auction Rooms. A Picture Sale._--
+
+_Amateur Collector_ (_after taking advice of Expert No. 1, addresses
+Expert No. 2_). "What do you think of the picture? I am advised to buy
+it. Is it not a fine Titian?"
+
+_Expert No. 2_ (_wishing to please both parties_). "I don't think you
+can go far wrong, for anyhow, if it isn't a Titian it's a repe-tition."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER PARCEL OF PROVERBS
+
+  If the cap fits, wear it--out.
+
+  Six of one, and half-a-dozen of the other--make exactly twelve.
+
+  None so deaf as those who won't hear--hear! hear!
+
+  Faint heart never won fair lady--nor dark one either.
+
+  Civility costs nothing--nay, is something to your credit.
+
+  The best of friends must part--their hair.
+
+  Any port in a storm--but old port preferred.
+
+  One good turn deserves another--in waltzing.
+
+  Youth at the prow and pleasure at the helm--very sea-sick.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"LEADING STRINGS."--Those of a first violin in an orchestra.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOBACCO STOPPERS.--Men who stay to smoke.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SMOKER'S PROVERB.--It's an ill weed that blows nobody any good.
+
+A _TIDY_ DRINK.--_Neat_ brandy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Amateur_ "_Minimus Poet_" (_who has called at the office
+twice a week for three months_). "Could you use a little poem of mine?"
+
+_Editor_ (_ruthlessly determined that this shall be his final visit_).
+"Oh, I think so. There are two or three broken panes of glass, and a
+hole in the skylight. How large is it?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR A SUB-EDITOR.--"Aut _scissors_, aut nullus."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_To find the value of a Cook._--Divide the services rendered by the
+wages paid; deduct the kitchen stuff, subtract the cold meat by finding
+how often three policemen will go into one area, and the quotient will
+help you to the result.
+
+_To find the value of a Friend._--Ask him to put his name to a bill.
+
+_To find the value of Time._--Travel by a Bayswater omnibus.
+
+_To find the value of Eau de Cologne._--Walk into Smithfield market.
+
+_To find the value of Patience._--Consult Bradshaw's _Guide_ to
+ascertain the time of starting of a railway train.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTE BY A SOCIAL CYNIC.--They may abolish the "push" stroke at
+billiards, but they'll never do so in society.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM OUR OWN IRREPRESSIBLE ONE (_still dodging custody_).--_Q._ Why is a
+daily paper like a lamb? _A._ Because it is always folded.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DUTY BEFORE PLEASURE.--_Hostess_ (_to new Curate_). "We
+seem to be talking of nothing but horses, Mr. Soothern. Are you much of
+a sportsman?"
+
+_Curate._ "Really, Lady Betty, I don't think I ought to say that I am. I
+used to collect butterflies; but I have to give up even _that_ now!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SHAKSPEARE ILLUSTRATED
+
+"The gods confound thee! Dost thou hold there still?"
+        _Antony and Cleopatra_, Act II., Sc. 5.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"STILL WATERS."--Whiskies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ART CRITICISM.--In too many pictures the colour is medi-ocre.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ADVERTISER'S PARADISE.--Puffin Island.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MUSICAL BURGLAR.--One who breaks into a tune.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HE KNEW HIS WORK
+
+_Proprietor of Travelling Menagerie._ "Are you used to looking after
+horses and other animals?"
+
+_Applicant for Job._ "Yessir. Been used to 'orses all my life."
+
+_P. O. T. M._ "What steps would you take if a lion got loose?"
+
+_A. F. J._ "Good long 'uns, mister!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MAY BE HEARD EVERYWHERE.--"Songs without words"--a remarkable
+performance; but perhaps a still more wonderful feat is playing upon
+words.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUBSTITUTES FOR PROFANE SWEARING
+
+(_Adapted to various Sorts and Conditions of Men_)
+
+_Lawyer._ Tax my bill.
+
+_Doctor._ Dash my draughts.
+
+_Soldier_. Snap my stock.
+
+_Parson._ Starch my surplice.
+
+_Bricklayer._ I'll be plastered.
+
+_Bricklayer's Labourer._ Chop my hod.
+
+_Carpenter._ Saw me.
+
+_Plumber and Glazier._ Solder my pipes. Smash my panes.
+
+_Painter._ I'm daubed.
+
+_Brewer._ I'm mashed.
+
+_Engineer._ Burst my boiler.
+
+_Stoker._ Souse my coke.
+
+_Costermonger._ Rot my taturs.
+
+_Dramatic Author._ Steal my French Dictionary.
+
+_Actor._ I'll be hissed.
+
+_Tailor._ Cut me out. Cook my goose.
+
+_Linendraper._ Soil my silks. Sell me off.
+
+_Grocer._ Squash my figs. Sand my sugar. Seize my scales.
+
+_Baker._ Knead my dough. Scorch my muffins.
+
+_Auctioneer._ Knock me down.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE PLAYERS ARE COME!"--_First Player_ (_who has had a run of
+ill-luck_). I'm regularly haunted by the recollection of my losses at
+baccarat.
+
+_Second Player._ Quite Shakespearian! "Banco's ghost."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOMETHING TO LIVE FOR.--(_From the Literary Club Smoking-room._)
+_Cynicus._ I'm waiting till my friends are dead, in order to write my
+reminiscences?
+
+_Amicus._ Ah, but remember. "_De mortuis nil nisi bonum._"
+
+_Cynicus._ Quite so. I shall tell nothing but exceedingly good stories
+about them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CONTRADICTION.--In picture exhibitions, the observant spectator is
+struck by the fact that works hung on the line are too often below the
+mark.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A "LIGHT" REPAST.--A feast of lanterns.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: R. A. GEMS.--_Fair Amateur_ (_to carpenter_). "My picture
+is quite hidden with that horrid ticket on it. Can't you fix it on the
+frame?" _Carpenter._ "Why, you'll spoil the frame, mum!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Jones._ "Do you drink between meals?"
+
+_Smith._ "No. I eat between drinks."
+
+_Jones._ "Which did you do last?"
+
+_Smith._ "Drink."
+
+_Jones._ "Then we'd better go and have a sandwich at once!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NOCTURNE IN THE OLD KENT ROAD]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"LARGEST CIRCULATION IN THE WORLD."--The elephant's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WORST PLACE IN THIRSTY WEATHER.--Taplow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INSCRIPTION FOR AN OLD CLOTHES SHOP.--"Nothing new."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "JUST A SONG AT TWILIGHT"]
+
+(_As sung sweetly by a Public-House-Baritone_)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LITERARY ANNOUNCEMENT.--In the press--yesterday's tablecloth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HEIGHT OF ECONOMY.--A "screw" of tobacco.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A BROKEN MELODY
+
+SCENE I.--_Street Singer._ "I fear no foe in shining ar----."]
+
+[Illustration: A BROKEN MELODY
+
+SCENE II.--Enter policeman.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE QUICK GRUB STREET CO.
+
+THE QUICK GRUB STREET CO. BEG TO ANNOUNCE THAT THEY HAVE OPENED AN
+ESTABLISHMENT FOR THE SUPPLY OF LITERATURE IN ALL ITS BRANCHES.
+
+     _Every Editor should send for our Prices and compare them with
+     those of other houses._
+
+POETRY DEPARTMENT.
+
+We employ experienced poets for the supply of garden verses, war songs,
+&c., and undertake to fill any order within twenty-four hours of its
+reaching us. Our Mr. Rhymeesi will be glad to wait upon parties
+requiring verse of any description, and, if the matter is at all urgent,
+to execute the order on the spot.
+
+DRAMA DEPARTMENT.
+
+Actor-managers before going elsewhere should give us a call. Our plays
+draw wherever they are presented, even if it is only bricks.
+
+_Testimonial._--A manager writes: "The play you kindly supplied, _The
+Blue Bloodhound of Bletchley_, is universally admitted to be _unlike
+anything ever before produced on the stage_."
+
+Musical comedies (guaranteed absolutely free from plot) supplied on
+shortest notice.
+
+FICTION DEPARTMENT.
+
+For society dialogues we use the very best duchesses; while a
+first-class earl's daughter is retained for Court and gala opera.
+
+For our new line of _vie intime_ we employ none but valets and
+confidential maids, who have to serve an apprenticeship with P.A.P.
+
+THE KAILYARD DEPARTMENT
+
+is always up-to-date, and our Mr. Stickit will be pleased to call on any
+editor on receipt of post-card.
+
+N.B.--We guarantee our Scotch Idyll to be absolutely unintelligible to
+any English reader, and undertake to refund money if it can be proved
+that such is not the case.
+
+Our speciality, however, is our _Six-Shilling Shocker_, as sold for
+serial purposes. Editors with papers that won't "go" should ask for one
+of these. When ordering please state general idea required under one of
+our recognised sections, as foreign office, police, mounted infantry,
+cowardice, Rome, &c., &c.
+
+BIOGRAPHY.
+
+Any gentleman wishing to have a biography of himself produced in
+anticipation of his decease should communicate with us.
+
+The work would, of course, be published with a note to the effect that
+the writing had been a labour of love; that moreover the subject with
+his usual modesty had been averse from the idea of a biography.
+
+_Testimonial._--Sir Sunny Jameson writes: "The Life gives great
+satisfaction. No reference made, however, to my munificent gift of L50
+to the Referees' Hospital. This should be remedied in the next edition.
+The work, however, has been excellently done. You have made me out to be
+better than even I ever thought myself."
+
+For love letters,
+
+For the Elizabethan vogue,
+
+For every description of garden meditations,
+
+Give the Quick Grub Street Company a trial.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SOFT ANSWER.--_Papa_ (_literary, who has given orders
+he is not to be disturbed_). "Who is it?"
+
+_Little Daughter._ "Scarcely anybody, dear papa!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE SECRETS OF LITERARY COMPOSITION
+
+_The Fair Authoress of "Passionate Pauline," gazing fondly at her own
+reflection, writes as follows_:--
+
+"I look into the glass, reader. What do I see?
+
+I see a pair of laughing, _espiegle_, forget-me-not blue eyes, saucy
+and defiant; a _mutine_ little rose-bud of a mouth, with its
+ever-mocking _moue_; a tiny shell-like ear, trying to play hide-and-seek
+in a tangled maze of rebellious russet gold; while, from underneath the
+satin folds of a _rose-the_ dressing-gown, a dainty foot peeps coyly
+forth in its exquisitely-pointed gold morocco slipper", &c., &c.
+
+(_Vide "Passionate Pauline", by Parbleu._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DISTINCTION
+
+_First Gourmet._ "That was Mr. Dobbs I just nodded to."
+
+_Second Gourmet._ "I know."
+
+_First G._ "He asked me to dine at his house next Thursday--but I can't.
+Ever dined at Dobbs's?"
+
+_Second G._ "No. Never _dined_. But I've been there to dinner!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Auctioneer._ "Lot 52. A genuine Turner. Painted during
+the artist's lifetime. What offers, gentlemen?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Millionaire_ (_who has been shown into fashionable
+artist's studio, and has been kept waiting a few minutes_). "SHOP!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NONSENSE PROVERBS
+
+  WHAT'S in the pot mustn't be told to the pan.
+
+  There's a mouth for every muffin.
+
+  A clear soup and no flavour.
+
+  As drunk as a daisy.
+
+  All rind and no cheese.
+
+  Set a beggar on horseback, and he will cheat the livery-stable keeper.
+
+  There's a B in every bonnet.
+
+  Two-and-six of one and half-a-crown of the other.
+
+  The insurance officer dreads a fire.
+
+  First catch your heir, then hook him.
+
+  Every plum has its pudding.
+
+  Short pipes make long smokes.
+
+  It's a long lane that has no blackberries.
+
+  Wind and weather come together.
+
+  A flower in the button-hole is worth two on the bush.
+
+  Round robin is a shy bird.
+
+  There's a shiny lining to every hat.
+
+  The longest dinner will come to an end.
+
+  You must take the pips with the orange.
+
+  It's a wise dentist that knows his own teeth.
+
+  No rose without a gardener.
+
+  Better to marry in May than not to marry at all.
+
+  Save sovereigns, spend guineas.
+
+  Too many followers spoil the cook. (N.B. This is _not_ nonsense.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Profusely decorated with cuts]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SAID AT THE ACADEMY.--_Punch_ doesn't care _who_ said it. It was
+extremely rude to call the commission on capital punishments the hanging
+committee.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GRAMMAR OF ART.--"Art," spell it with a big or little "a," can never
+come first in any well-educated person's ideas. "I am" must have the
+place of honour; then "Thou Art!" so apostrophised, comes next.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Scrumble._ "Been to see the old masters?"
+
+_Stippleton_ (_who has married money_). "No. Fact is"--(_sotto
+voce_)--"I've got quite enough on my hands with the old missus!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TWO OLD MASTERS OF ARTS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ARTIST'S VADE MECUM
+
+_Question._ Has the anxious parent been to see his child's portrait?
+
+_Answer._ He has seen it.
+
+_Q._ Did he approve of it?
+
+_A._ He will like it better when I have made some slight alterations.
+
+_Q._ What are they?
+
+_A._ He would like the attitude of the figure altered, the position of
+the arms changed, the face turned the other way, the hair and eyes made
+a different colour, and the expression of the mouth improved.
+
+_Q._ Did he make any other suggestions?
+
+_A._ Yes; he wishes to have the child's favourite pony and Newfoundland
+dog put in, with an indication of the ancestral home in the back-ground.
+
+_Q._ Is he willing to pay anything extra for these additions?
+
+_A._ He does not consider it necessary.
+
+_Q._ Are you well on with your Academy picture?
+
+_A._ No; but I began the charcoal sketch yesterday.
+
+_Q._ Have you secured the handsome model?
+
+_A._ No; the handsome model has been permanently engaged by the eminent
+R.A.
+
+_Q._ Under these circumstances, do you still expect to get finished in
+time?
+
+_A._ Yes; I have been at this stage in February for as many years as I
+can remember, and have generally managed to worry through somehow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHENEVER the "Reduced Prizefighters" take a benefit at a theatre, the
+play should be _The Miller and his Men_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NICE MAN.--Mr. Swiggins was a sot. He was also a sloven. He never had
+anything neat about him but gin.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Under a great master]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE WARRIOR BOLD
+
+SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE GAY TOM TIT
+
+SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HUNG, DRAWN, AND QUARTERED."--(_Mr. Punch's sentence on three-fourths
+of the Academicians' work "on the line."_)--Very well "hung"; very ill
+"drawn"; a great deal better "quartered" than it deserves.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SPIRIT OF THE AGE.--Gin.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST"
+
+When he magnanimously consents to go on the platform at a conjuring
+performance, and unwonted objects are produced from his inside pockets.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Celebrated Minor Poet._ "Ah, hostess, how 'do? Did you
+get my book I sent you yesterday?"
+
+_Hostess._ "Delightful! _I couldn't sleep till I'd read it!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Infant Prodigy has reached the middle of an
+exceedingly difficult pianoforte solo, and one of those dramatic pauses
+of which the celebrated composer is so fond has occurred. Kindly but
+undiscerning old Lady._ "Play something you know, dearie."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT A FENCING "AT HOME."--_Distinguished Foreigner_ (_hero
+of a hundred duels_). "It is delightful, mademoiselle. You English are a
+sporting nation."
+
+_Fair Member._ "So glad you are enjoying it. By the way, Monsieur le
+Marquis, have they introduced fencing into France yet?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN THE CAUSE OF ART.--_Patron._ "When are yer goin' to
+start my wife's picture and mine? 'Cause, when the 'ouse is up we're a
+goin'----"
+
+_Artist._ "Oh, I'll get the canvases at once, and----"
+
+_Patron_ (_millionaire_). "Canvas! 'Ang it!--none o' yer canvas for me!
+Price is no objec'! I can afford to pay for something better than
+canvas!!" [_Tableau!_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GRATIFYING!--_Amateur Artist_ (_to the carrier_). "Did
+you see my picture safely delivered at the Royal Academy?"
+
+_Carrier._ "Yessir, and mighty pleased they seemed to be with
+it--leastways, if one may jedge, sir. They didn't say nothin'--but--lor'
+how they did laugh!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Artist_ (_who has recommended model to a friend_). "Have
+you been to sit to Mr. Jones yet?"
+
+_Model._ "Well, I've been to see him; but directly I got into his
+studio, 'Why,' he said, 'you've got a head like a Botticelli.' I don't
+know what a Botticelli is, but I didn't go there to be called names, so
+I come away!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Art Student_ (_engaging rooms_). "What is that?"
+
+_Landlady._ "That is a picture of our church done in wool by my
+daughter, sir. She's subject to art, too."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SUB-EDITOR'S AUNT
+
+"I always buy your paper my dear Horace," said the old lady, "although
+there is much in it I cannot approve of. But there is one thing that
+puzzles me extremely."
+
+"Yes, aunt?" said the Sub-Editor meekly, as he sipped his tea.
+
+"Why, I notice that the contents bill invariably has one word calculated
+to stimulate the morbid curiosity of the reader. An adjective."
+
+"Circulation depends upon adjectives," said the Sub-Editor.
+
+"I don't think I object to them," the old lady replied; "but what I want
+you to tell me is how you choose them. How do you decide whether an
+occurrence is 'remarkable' or 'extraordinary,' 'astounding' or
+'exciting,' 'thrilling' or 'alarming,' 'sensational' or merely
+'strange,' 'startling' or 'unique'? What tells you which word to use?"
+
+"Well, aunt, we have a system to indicate the adjective to a nicety;
+but----"
+
+"My dear Horace, I will never breathe a word. You should know that. No
+one holds the secrets of the press more sacred than I."
+
+The Sub-Editor settled himself more comfortably in his chair.
+
+"You see, aunt, the great thing in an evening paper is human interest.
+What we want to get is news to hit the man-in-the-street. Everything
+that we do is done for the man-in-the-street. And therefore we keep
+safely locked up in a little room a tame man of this description. He may
+not be much to look at, but his sympathies are right, unerringly right.
+He sits there from nine till six, and has things to eat now and then. We
+call him the Thrillometer."
+
+"How wonderful! How proud you should be Horace, to be a part of this
+mighty mechanism, the press."
+
+"I am, aunt. Well, the duties of the Thrillometer are very simple.
+Directly a piece of news comes in, it is the place of one of the
+Sub-Editors to hurry to the Thrillometer's room and read it to him. I
+have to do this."
+
+"Poor boy. You are sadly overworked, I fear."
+
+"Yes, aunt. And while I read I watch his face."
+
+"Long study has told me exactly what degree of interest is excited within
+him by the announcement. I know instantly whether his expression means
+'phenomenal' or only 'remarkable,' whether 'distressing' or only 'sad,'
+whether----"
+
+"Is there so much difference between 'distressing' and 'sad,' Horace?"
+
+"Oh, yes, aunt. A suicide in Half Moon Street is 'distressing'; in the
+City Road it is only 'sad.' Again, a raid on a club in Whitechapel is of
+no account; but a raid on a West-End club is worth three lines of large
+type in the bill, above Fry's innings."
+
+"Do you mean a club in Soho when you say West-End?"
+
+"Yes, aunt, as a rule."
+
+"But why do you call that the West-End?"
+
+"That was the Thrillometer's doing, aunt. He fell asleep over a club
+raid, and a very good one too, when I said it was in Soho; but when I
+told him of the next--also in Soho, chiefly Italian waiters--and said
+it was in the West-End, his eyes nearly came out of his head. So you see
+how useful the Thrillometer can be."
+
+"Most ingenious, Horace. Was this your idea?"
+
+"Yes, aunt."
+
+"Clever boy. And have the other papers adopted it?"
+
+"Yes, aunt. All of them."
+
+"Then you are growing rich, Horace?"
+
+"No, no, aunt, not at all. Unfortunately I lack the business instinct.
+Other people grow rich on my ideas. In fact, so far from being rich, I
+was going to venture to ask you----"
+
+"Tell me more about the Thrillometer," said the old lady briskly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT THE WRESTLING MATCH
+
+_Enthusiastic Old Gent._ "Go on, sonny! Stick 'old of 's 'ead."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOING TO THE BAD
+
+    All the way from the National Gallery
+      Unto the Royal Academy
+    As I walked, I was guilty of raillery,
+      Which I felt was very bad o' me.
+
+    Thinking of art's disasters,
+      Still sinking to deeper abysses,
+    I said, "From the Old Masters
+      Why go to the new misses?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PREHISTORIC PEEPS
+
+A visit to an artist's studio.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _He._ "Awfully jolly concert, wasn't it? Awfully jolly
+thing by that fellow--what's his name?--something like Doorknob."
+
+_She._ "_Doorknob!_ Whom _do_ you mean? I only know of Beethoven,
+Mozart, Wagner, Handel----"
+
+_He._ "That's it! Handel. I knew it was something you caught hold of!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR ARTIST
+
+"If you please, sir, here's the printer's boy called again!"
+
+"Oh, bother! Say I'm busy."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS "'Tis hard to give the hand where
+the heart can _never_ be!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS. "Only this"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Horse Dealer._ "Did that little mare I sold you do for
+you, sir?"
+
+_Nervous Horseman._ "Nearly!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "OPTICS."--_Lecturer._ "Now let anyone gaze steadfastly
+on any object--say, for instance, his wife's eye--and he'll see himself
+looking so exceedingly small, that----"
+
+_Strong-minded Lady_ (_in front row_). "Hear! Hear! Hear!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "AFTER THE FAIR." (_Country cousin comes up in August to
+see the exhibition of pictures at the Royal Academy!_).--_Porter._
+"Bless yer 'art, we're closed!"
+
+_Country Cousin._ "Closed! What! didn't it pay?!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Jones._ "How is it we see you so seldom at the club
+now?"
+
+_Old Member._ "Ah, well, you see, I'm not so young as I was; and I've
+had a good deal of worry lately; and so, what with one thing and
+another, I've grown rather fond of my own society."
+
+_Jones._ "Epicure!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TRUE INWARDNESS OF ART.--Photographs by the Roentgen rays.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MAN WHO HAS A TURN FOR MUSIC.--An organ-grinder.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PHONOGRAPH CANNOT LIE.--_German Dealer_ "Now, mein
+Herr! You've chust heerd your lofely blaying rebroduced to berfection!
+Won't you buy one?"
+
+_Amateur Flautist._ "Are you sure the thing's all right?"
+
+_German Dealer._ "Zertainly, mein Herr."
+
+_Amateur Flautist._ "Gad, then, if that's what my playing is like, I'm
+done with the flute for ever."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PRIVATE INQUIRY.--_Surveyor of Taxes_ (_to literary
+gent_). "But surely you can arrive at some estimate of the amount
+received by you during the past three years for example. Don't you keep
+books?"
+
+_Literary Gent._ (_readily_). "Oh dear no. I write them!"
+
+_Surveyor._ "Ahem--I mean you've got some sort of accounts----"
+
+_Literary Gent._ "Oh yes, lots"--(_Surveyor brightens up_)--"unpaid!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "There's a boy wants to see you, sir." "Has he got a bill
+in his hand?" "No, sir." "Then he's got it in his pocket! Send him
+away!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH.--_He._ "By Jove, it's
+the best thing I've ever painted!--and I'll tell you what; I've a good
+mind to give it to Mary Morison for her wedding present!"
+
+_His Wifey._ "Oh, but, my love, the Morisons have always been _so_
+hospitable to us! You ought to give her a _real_ present, you know--a
+fan, or a scent-bottle, or something of that sort!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TRIUMPH
+
+_Frame Maker_ (_in ecstasies_). "By Jove! Jemima--every one of 'em on
+the line again!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO BE AN AUTHOR
+
+Mr. Punch, having read the latest book on the way to write for the
+press, feels that there is at least one important subject not properly
+explained therein: to wit, the covering letter. He therefore proceeds to
+supplement this and similar books.... It is, however, when your story
+is written that the difficulties begin. Having selected a suitable
+editor, you send him your contribution accompanied by a covering letter.
+The writing of this letter is the most important part of the whole
+business. One story, after all, is very much like another (in your case,
+probably, exactly like another), but you can at least in your covering
+letter show that you are a person of originality.
+
+Your letter must be one of three kinds: pleading, peremptory, or
+corruptive. I proceed to give examples of each.
+
+I.--THE PLEADING LETTER.
+
+199, _Berkeley Square, W._
+
+DEAR MR. EDITOR,--I have a wife and seven starving children; can you
+possibly help us by accepting this little story of only 18,000
+(eighteen thousand) words? Not only would you be doing a work of charity
+to one who has suffered much, but you would also, I venture to say, be
+conferring a real benefit upon English literature--as I have already
+received the thanks of no fewer than thirty-three editors for having
+allowed them to peruse this manuscript.
+
+Yours humbly,
+
+THE McHARDY.
+
+P.S.--My youngest boy, aged three, pointed to his little sister's Gazeka
+toy last night and cried "De editor!" These are literally the first
+words that have passed his lips for three days. Can you stand by and see
+the children starve?
+
+II.--THE PEREMPTORY LETTER.
+
+SIR,--Kindly publish at once and oblige.
+
+Yours faithfully,
+
+EUGENE HACKENKICK.
+
+P.S.--I shall be round at your office to-morrow about an
+advertisement for some 600 lb. bar-bells, and will look you up.
+
+III.--THE CORRUPTIVE LETTER.
+
+_Middlesex House, Park Lane, IV._
+
+     DEAR MR. SMITH,--Can you come and dine with us quite in a
+     _friendly_ way on Thursday at eight? I want to introduce you to the
+     Princess of Holdwig-Schlosstein and Mr. Alfred Austin, who are so
+     eager to meet you. Do you know I am really a little _frightened_ at
+     the thought of meeting such a famous editor? Isn't it _silly_ of
+     me?
+
+Yours very sincerely,
+
+EMMA MIDDLESEX.
+
+     P.S.--I wonder if you could find room in your _splendid little
+     paper_ for a silly story I am sending you. It would be such a
+     surprise for the Duke's birthday (on Monday).--E. M.
+
+Before concluding the question of the covering letter I must mention the
+sad case of my friend Halibut. Halibut had a series of lithographed
+letters of all kinds, one of which he would enclose with every story he
+sent out. On a certain occasion he wrote a problem story of the most
+advanced kind; what, in fact, the reviewers call a "strong" story. In
+sending this to the editor of a famous magazine his secretary
+carelessly slipped in the wrong letter:
+
+     "DEAR MR. EDITOR," it ran, "I am trying to rite you a littel story,
+     I do hope you will like my little storey, I want to tell you about
+     my kanary and my pussy cat, it's name is _Peggy_ and it has seven
+     kitens, have you any kitens, I will give you one if you print my
+     story,
+
+"Your loving little friend,
+
+"FLOSSIE."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROVERB FOR THE COUNCIL OF THE ROYAL ACADEMY.--"Hanging goes by favour."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ENRAGED MUSICIAN.--(_A Duologue._)
+
+_Composer._ Did you stay late at Lady Tittup's?
+
+_Friend._ Yes. Heard Miss Bang play again. I was delighted with her
+execution.
+
+_Composer._ Her execution! _That_ would have pleased _me_; she deserved
+it for having brutally murdered a piece of mine.
+    [_Exeunt._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GENTILITY OF SPEECH.--At the music halls visitors now call for
+"another acrobat," when they want a second tumbler.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE WRITING ON THE WINDOW
+
+Portrait of a gentleman who proposes to say he was detained in town on
+important business.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AWARDING THE BISCUIT
+
+_Dingy Bohemian._ "I want a bath Oliver."
+
+_Immaculate Servitor._ "My name is _not_ Oliver!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "SENDING-IN" DAY.--Indigo Brown takes his picture,
+entitled "Peace and Comfort," to the R.A. himself, as he says, "Those
+picture carts are certain to scratch it," and, with the assistance of
+his cabby, adds the finishing touches on his way there!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN UNDOUBTED OLD MASTER
+
+(_By Himself_)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LAYING IT ON WITH A PALETTE-KNIFE.--_Miss Sere._ "Ah, Mr.
+Brown, if you could only paint me as I was ten years ago!"
+
+_Our Portrait Painter_ (_heroically_). "I am afraid children's portraits
+are not in my line."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AFTER THE SIXTH REJECTION BY THE R.A.--_The Prodigal._
+"Well, dad, here I am, ready to go into the office to-morrow. I've given
+up my studio and put all my sketches in the fire."
+
+_Fond Father._ "That's right, 'Arold. Good lad! Your 'art's in the right
+place, after all!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Brown_ (_as Hamlet_) _to Jones_ (_as Charles the
+Second_). "'Normous amount of _taste_ displayed here to-night!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN ART PATRON
+
+"I'll have it if you shorten the 'orizon, and make it quids instead of
+guineas!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SHOW SUNDAY.--_Brown_ (_trying to find something to
+admire in Smudge's painting_). "By Jove, old chap, those flowers are
+beautifully put in!"
+
+_Smudge._ "Yes; my old friend--Thingummy--'R.A.' you know, painted them
+in for me."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ENVY.--Scene--_Miss Semple and Dawber, standing near his
+picture._
+
+_Miss Semple._ "Why, there's a crowd in front of Madder's picture!"
+
+_Dawber._ "Someone fainted, I suppose!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN ARTISTIC EPISODE
+
+     ["Incapacity for work has come to be accepted as the hall-mark of
+     genius.... The collector wants only the thing that is rare, and
+     therefore the artist must make his work as rare as he can."--_Daily
+     Chronicle._]
+
+Josephine found me stretched full length in a hammock in the garden.
+
+"Why aren't you at work?" she asked; "not feeling seedy, I hope?"
+
+"Never better," said I. "But I've been making myself too cheap."
+
+"We couldn't possibly help going to the Joneses last night, dear."
+
+"Tush," said I. "I mean there is too much of me."
+
+"I don't quite understand," she said; "but there certainly will be if
+you spend your mornings lolling in that hammock."
+
+The distortive wantonness of this remark left me cold.
+
+"I have made up my mind," I continued, quite seriously, "to do no more
+work for a considerable time."
+
+"But, my dear boy, just think----"
+
+"I'm going to make myself scarce," I insisted.
+
+"Geoffrey!" she exclaimed, "I knew you weren't well!"
+
+I released myself.
+
+"Josephine," I said solemnly, "those estimable persons who collect my
+pictures will think nothing of them if they become too common."
+
+"How do you know there are such persons?" she queried.
+
+"I must decline to answer that question," I replied; "but if there are
+none it is because my work is not yet sufficiently rare and precious. I
+propose to work no more--say, for six or seven years. By that time my
+reputation will be made, and there will be the fiercest competition for
+the smallest canvas I condescend to sign."
+
+She kissed me.
+
+"I came out for the housekeeping-money," she remarked simply.
+
+I went into the house to fetch the required sum, and, by some means I
+cannot explain, got to work again upon the latest potboiler.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUSIC READILY ACQUIRED.--Stealing a march.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE STORM FIEND
+
+SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SUCH IS FAME!--_Duchess_ (_with every wish to encourage
+conversation, to gentleman just introduced_). "Your name is very
+familiar to me indeed for the last ten years."
+
+_Minor Poet_ (_flattered_). "Indeed, Duchess! And may I ask what it was
+that first attracted you?"
+
+_Duchess._ "Well, I was staying with Lady Waldershaw, and she had a most
+indifferent cook, and whenever we found fault with any dish she always
+quoted _you_, and said that _you_ liked it _so much_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DOMESTIC BLISS.--_Wife of your Bussum._ "Oh! I don't want
+to interrupt you, dear. I only want some money for baby's socks--and to
+know whether you will have the mutton cold or hashed."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN A MINOR KEY.--_Hearty Friend_ (_meeting Operatic Composer_). Hallo,
+old man, how are you? Haven't seen you for an age! What's your latest
+composition?
+
+_Impecunious Musician_ (_gloomily_). With my creditors. [_Exeunt
+severally._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO BE SUNG AT CONCERT PITCH.--"The Tar's Farewell."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SAFE.--_Guest_ (_after a jolly evening_). "Good night,
+ol' fellah--I'll leave my boosh oushide 'door----"
+
+_Bohemian Host._ "Au' right, m' boy--(_hic_)--noborry'll toussh
+'em--goo' light!!"     [_Exeunt._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONSOLATIONS FOR THE UNHUNG
+
+Now that the painful month of suspense in Studioland is at an end, it
+behoves us to apply our most soothing embrocation to the wounded
+feelings of geniuses whose works have boomeranged their way back from
+Burlington House. Let them remember:
+
+That very few people really look at the pictures in the Academy--they
+only go to meet their friends, or to say they have been there.
+
+That those who _do_ examine the works of art are wont to disparage the
+same by way of showing their superior smartness.
+
+That one picture has no chance of recognition with fourteen hundred
+others shouting at it.
+
+That all the best pavement-artists now give "one-man" shows. They can
+thus select their own "pitch," and are never ruthlessly skied.
+
+That photography in colours is coming, and then the R.A. will have to
+go.
+
+That Rembrandt, Holbein, Rubens and Vandyck were never hung at the
+summer exhibition.
+
+That Botticelli, Correggio and Titian managed to rub along without that
+privilege.
+
+That the ten-guinea frame that was bought (or owed for) this spring will
+do splendidly next year for another masterpiece.
+
+That the painter _must_ have specimens of his best work to decorate the
+somewhat bare walls of his studio.
+
+That the best test of a picture is being able to live with it--or live
+it down--so why send it away from its most lenient critic?
+
+That probably the _chef-d'oeuvre_ sent in was shown to the hanging
+committee up-side down.
+
+That, supposing they saw it properly, they were afraid that its success
+would put the Academy to the expense of having a railing placed in
+front.
+
+And finally, we would remind the rejected one that, after all, his
+bantling _has_ been exhibited in the R.A.--to the president and his
+colleagues engaged in the work of selection. Somebody at least looked at
+it for quite three seconds.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ART NOTE.--_The early Italian style._--An organ-grinder at five o'clock
+in the morning.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR FLAT.--_Extract from Lady's Correspondence._ "----In
+fact, our reception was a _complete_ success. We had some excellent
+musicians. I daresay you will wonder where we put them, with such a
+crowd of people; but we managed _capitally_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SHOW SUNDAY.--_Vandyke Browne._ "Peace, my dear lady,
+peace and refinement, those are the two essentials in an artist's
+surroundings." [_Enter Master and Miss Browne. Tableau!_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: VARNISHING DAY AMENITIES.--_Little Smudge._ "Of course, I
+know perfectly well my style isn't quite developed yet, but I feel I am,
+if I might so express it, in a _transition_ stage, don't you know,"
+_Brother Brush_ ("_skied_" _this year_). "Ah! I see, _going from bad to
+worse_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MIGHTY PEN
+
+["With this little instrument that rests so lightly in the hand, whole
+nations can be moved.... When it is poised between thumb and finger, it
+becomes a living thing--it moves with the pulsations of the living heart
+and thinking brain, and writes down, almost unconsciously, the thoughts
+that live--the words that burn.... It would be difficult to find a
+single newspaper or magazine to which we could turn for a lesson in pure
+and elegant English."--_Miss Corelli in_ "_Free Opinions Freely
+Expressed_."]
+
+    O magic pen, what wonders lie
+      Within your little length!
+    Though small and paltry to the eye
+      You boast a giant's strength.
+    Between my finger and my thumb
+    A living creature you become,
+    And to the listening world you give
+    "The words that burn--the thoughts that live."
+
+    Oft, when the sacred fire glows hot,
+      Your wizard power is proved:
+    You write till lunch, and nations not
+      Infrequently are moved;
+    'Twixt lunch and tea perhaps you damn
+    For good and all, some social sham,
+    And by the time I pause to sup--
+    Behold Carnegie crumpled up!
+
+    Through your unconscious eyes I see
+      Strange beauty, little pen!
+    You make life exquisite to me,
+      If not to other men.
+    You fill me with an inward joy
+    No outward trouble can destroy,
+    Not even when I struggle through
+    Some foolish ignorant review;
+
+    Nor when the press bad grammar scrawls
+      In wild uncultured haste,
+    And which intolerably galls
+      One's literary taste.
+    What are the editors about,
+    Whom one would think would edit out
+    The shocking English and the style
+    Which every page and line defile?
+
+    There is, alas! no magazine,
+      No paper that one knows
+    To which a man could turn for clean
+      And graceful English prose;
+    Not even, O my pen, though you
+    Yourself may write for one or two,
+    And lend to them a style, a tone,
+    A grammar that is all your own.
+
+    I see the shadows of decay
+      On all sides darkly loom;
+    Massage and manicure hold sway,
+      Cosmetics fairly boom;
+    Old dowagers and budding maids
+    Alike affect complexion-aids,
+    While middle age with anxious care
+    Dyes to restore its dwindling hair.
+
+    The time is out of joint, but still
+      I am not hopeless quite
+    So long as you exist, my quill,
+      Once more to set it right.
+    Woman will cease from rouge, I think,
+    Man pour his hair-wash down the sink,
+    If you will yet consent to give
+    "The words that burn--the thoughts that live."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A HINT FOR THE PUBLISHERS.
+
+As the publishing season will soon be in full play--which means that
+there will be plenty of work--we suggest the following as titles of
+books, to succeed the publication of "People I have Met," by an
+American:--
+
+People I have taken into Custody, by a Policeman.
+
+People that have Met me Half-way, by an Insolvent.
+
+People I have Splashed, by a Scavenger.
+
+People I have Done, by a Jew Bill-discounter.
+
+People I have Abused, by a 'Bus Conductor.
+
+People I have Run Over, by a Butcher's Boy.
+
+People I have Run Against, by a Sweep.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A ROARING TRADE.--Keeping a menagerie.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: COMPLIMENTS ONE MIGHT IMPROVE ON.--_Mrs. Mudge._ "I _do_
+admire the women you draw, Mr. Penink. They're _so_ beautiful and _so_
+refined! Tell me, _who_ is your model?" [_Mrs. Mudge rises in Mrs.
+Penink's opinion._]
+
+_Penink._ "Oh, my wife always sits for me!"
+
+_Mrs. Mudge_ (_with great surprise_). "You don't say so! Well, I think
+you're one of the _cleverest_ men I know!" [_Mrs. Penink's opinion of
+Mrs. Mudge falls below zero._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER."--_George_ (_Itinerant
+Punch-and-Judy Showman_). "I say, Bill, she _do_ draw!"
+
+_Bill_ (_his partner, with drum and box of puppets_). "H'm--it's more
+than _we_ can!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "SELECTION."--_Brown_ (_as he was leaving our Art
+Conversazione, after a rattling scramble in the cloak-room_). "Confound
+it! Got my own hat, after all!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Eccentric Old Gent_ (_whose pet aversion is a dirty
+child_). "Go away, you dirty girl, and wash your face!"
+
+_Indignant Youngster._ "You go 'ome, you dirty old man, and do yer
+'air!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUSICAL FACT.--People are apt to complain of the vile tunes that are
+played about the streets by grinding organs, and yet they may all be
+said to be the music of Handle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IS THERE ROOM FOR MARY THERE?
+
+SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Photographer._ "I think this is an excellent portrait of
+your wife."
+
+_Mr. Smallweed._ "I don't know--sort of _repose_ about the _mouth_ that
+somehow doesn't seem right."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE GREAT PRIZE FIGHT.--_Johnnie_ (_who finds that his
+box_, L_20_, _has been appropriated by "the Fancy"_). "I beg your
+pardon, but this is _my_ box!"
+
+_Bill Bashford._ "Oh, is it? Well, why don't you tike it?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WITHOUT PREJUDICE.--_Ugly Man_ (_who thinks he's a
+privileged wag, to artist_). "Now, Mr. _Daub_igny, draw me."
+
+_Artist_ (_who doesn't like being called _Daub_igny, and whose real name
+is Smith_). "Certainly. But you _won't_ be offended if it's _like_ you.
+Eh?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Scrimble._ "So sorry I've none of my work to show you.
+Fact is, I've just sent all my pictures to the Academy."
+
+_Mrs. Macmillions._ "What a pity! I did so much want to see them. How
+soon do you expect them back?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE YOUNG NOVELIST'S GUIDE TO MEDICINE
+
+CHLOROFORM. Invaluable to writers of sensational stories. Every
+high-class fictionary criminal carries a bottle in his pocket. A few
+drops, spread on a handkerchief and waved within a yard of the hero's
+nose, will produce a state of complete unconsciousness lasting for
+several hours, within which time his pockets may be searched at leisure.
+This property of chloroform, familiar to every expert novelist, seems to
+have escaped the notice of the medical profession.
+
+CONSUMPTION. The regulation illness for use in tales of mawkish pathos.
+Very popular some years ago, when the heroine made farewell speeches in
+blank verse, and died to slow music. Fortunately, however, the public
+has lost its fondness for work of this sort. Consumption at its last
+stage is easily curable (in novels) by the reappearance of a hero
+supposed to be dead. Two pages later the heroine will gain strength in a
+way which her doctors--not unnaturally--will describe as "perfectly
+marvellous." And in the next chapter the marriage-bells will ring.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+DOCTOR. Always include a doctor among your characters. He is quite easy
+to manage, and invariably will belong to one of these three types: (_a_)
+The eminent specialist. Tall, imperturbable, urbane. Only comes
+incidentally into the story. (_b_) Young, bustling, energetic. Not much
+practice, and plenty of time to look after other people's affairs.
+Hard-headed and practical. Often the hero's college friend. Should be
+given a pretty girl to marry in the last chapter. (_c_) The old family
+doctor. Benevolent, genial, wise. Wears gold-rimmed spectacles, which he
+has to take off and wipe at the pathetic parts of the book.
+
+FEVER. A nice, useful term for fictionary illnesses. It is best to avoid
+mention of specific symptoms, beyond that of "a burning brow," though,
+if there are any family secrets which need to be revealed, delirium is
+sure to supervene at a later stage. _Arthur Pendennis_, for instance,
+had fictional "fever," and baffled doctors have endeavoured ever since
+to find out what really was the matter with him. "Brain-fever," again,
+is unknown to the medical faculty, but you may safely afflict your
+intellectual hero with it. The treatment of fictionary fever is quite
+simple, consisting solely of frequent doses of grapes and cooling
+drinks. These will be brought to the sufferer by the heroine, and these
+simple remedies administered in this way have never been known to fail.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+FRACTURE. After one of your characters has come a cropper in the
+hunting-field he will be taken on a hurdle to the nearest house:
+usually, by a strange coincidence, the heroine's home. And he will be
+said to have sustained "a compound fracture"--a vague description which
+will quite satisfy your readers.
+
+GOUT. An invaluable disease to the humorist. Remember that heroes and
+heroines are entirely immune from it, but every rich old uncle is bound
+to suffer from it. The engagement of his niece to an impecunious young
+gentleman invariably coincides with a sharp attack of gout. The humour
+of it all is, perhaps, a little difficult to see, but it never fails to
+tickle the public.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+HEART DISEASE. An excellent complaint for killing off a villain. If you
+wish to pave the way for it artistically, this is the recognised method:
+On page 100 he will falter in the middle of a sentence, grow pale, and
+press his hand sharply to his side. In a moment he will have recovered,
+and will assure his anxious friends that it is nothing. But the reader
+knows better. He has met the same premonitory symptoms in scores of
+novels, and he will not be in the least surprised when, on the middle of
+page 250, the villain suddenly drops dead.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNPOPULAR GAME AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY.--"High-sky-high!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A ROUGH WINE.--Rude-sheimer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NERVOUS.--Mrs. Malaprop was induced to go to a music hall the other
+evening. She never means to set foot in one again. The extortions some
+of the performers threw themselves into quite upset her.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR A MODEL MUSIC-HALL ENTERTAINMENT.--"Everything in its 'turn'
+and nothing long."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BREAKING IT GENTLY.--_His Cousins._ "We sent off the wire
+to stop your model coming. But you had put one word too many--so we
+struck it out."
+
+_Real Artist._ "Oh, indeed. What word did you strike out?"
+
+_His Cousins._ "You had written 'he wasn't to come, as you had only just
+discovered you couldn't paint to-day.' So we crossed out '_to-day_.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE STATE OF THE MARKET.--_Artist_ (_to customer_, _who
+has come to buy on behalf of a large furnishing firm in Tottenham Court
+Road_): "How would this suit you? 'Summer'!"
+
+_Customer_: "H'm--'Summer.' Well, sir, the fact is we find there's very
+little demand for _green_ goods just now. If you had a line of _autumn
+tints_ now--that's the article we find most sale for among our
+customers!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Our Amateur Romeo_ (_who has taken a cottage in the
+country, so as to be able to study without interruption_). "Arise, fair
+sun, and kill the envious moon----"
+
+_Owner of rubicund countenance_ (_popping head over the hedge_), "Beg
+pardon, zur! Be you a talkin' to Oi, zur?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BITTERS AT THE CLUB
+
+_MacStodge_ (_Pictor ignotus_). "Who's that going out?"
+
+_O'Duffer_ (_Pictor ignotissimus_). "One Ernest Raphael Sopely, who
+painted Lady Midas!"
+
+_MacStodge._ "Oh, the artist!"
+
+_O'Duffer._ "No. _The Royal Academician!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LA VIE DE BOHEME.--_First Bohemian_ (_to second ditto_).
+"I can't for the life of me think why you wasted all that time haggling
+with that tailor chap, and beating him down, when you know, old chap,
+you won't be able to pay him at all."
+
+_Second Bohemian._ "Ah, that's _it_! _I_ have a conscience. I want the
+poor chap to lose as little as possible!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Little Guttersnipe_ (_who is getting quite used to
+posing_). "Will yer want me ter tike my bun down?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Genial Doctor_ (_after laughing heartily at a joke of
+his patient's_). "Ha! ha! ha! There's not much the matter with _you_!
+Though I do believe that if you were on your death-bed you'd make a
+joke!"
+
+_Irrepressible Patient._ "Why, of course I should. It would be my last
+chance!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _She_ (_to Raphael Greene_, _who paints gems for the R.A.
+that are never accepted_). "I _do_ hope you'll be hung this year. I'm
+sure you deserve to be!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ART INTELLIGENCE
+
+_She_ (_reads_). "There are upwards of fifty English painters and
+sculptors now in Rome----"
+
+_He_ (_British Philistine--served on a late celebrated jury!_). "Ah! no
+wonder we couldn't get that scullery white-washed!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Devoted little wife_ (_to hubbie, who has been late at
+the club_). "Now, dear, see, your breakfast is quite ready. A nice
+kipper, grilled chicken and mushrooms with bacon, poached eggs on
+toast--tea and coffee. Anything else you'd like, dearie?"
+
+_Victim of last night_ (_groans_). "Yes--an appetite!" [_Collapses._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AFTER FEEDING-TIME.--_Showman of Travelling Menagerie._
+"Now, ladies and gentlemen, we come to the most interesting part of the
+'ole exhibition! Seven different species of hanimals, in the same cage,
+dwellin' in 'armony. You could see them with the naked heye, only you
+have come too late. They are all now inside the lion!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO BILLIARD PLAYERS.--If you would obey the _rules_ of billiards, always
+attend to the _cannons_ of the game.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SUSPENSORY ACT.--Hanging the Academy exhibition.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THE BILLIARD ROOM.--_Major Carambole._ I never give any bribes to the
+club servants on principle.
+
+_Captain Hazard._ Then I suppose the marker looks on the tip of your cue
+without interest.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN A BAR, NEWMARKET.--_Seedy Individual_ (_to Knowing
+One_). "D'yer want to buy a diamond pin cheap?"
+
+_Knowing One._ "'Ere, get out of this! What d'you take me for? A
+juggins?"
+
+_S. I._ "Give yer my word it's worth sixty quid if it's worth a penny.
+And you can 'ave it for a tenner."
+
+_K. O._ "Let's 'ave a look at it. Where is it?"
+
+_S. I._ "In that old gent's tie. _Will yer 'ave it?_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS
+
+  "Yew harxed me woy hoi larved when larve should be
+  A thing hun-der-eamed hof larve twixt yew han me.
+  Yew moight hin-tereat the sun tew cease tew she-oine
+  Has seek tew sty saw deep a larve has moine."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SHAKSPEARE ILLUSTRATED
+
+"Oh, my prophetic soul! My uncle!"
+
+    _Hamlet_, Act I., Sc. 5.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BROTHER ARTIST
+
+["We have regularly attended the Academy now for many years,
+but never do we remember such a poor show of portraits;
+they cannot prove to be otherwise than the laughing-stock
+of tailors and their customers."--_Tailor and Cutter._]
+
+    The tailor leaned upon his goose,
+      And wiped away a tear:
+    "What portraits painting-men produce,"
+      He sobbed, "from year to year!
+    These fellows make their sitters smile
+      In suits that do not fit,
+    They're wrongly buttoned, and the style
+      Is not the thing a bit.
+
+    "Oh, artist, I'm an artist too!
+      I bid you use restraint,
+    And only show your sitters, do,
+      In fitting coats of paint;
+    In vain you crown those errant seams
+      With smiles that look ethereal,
+    For man may be the stuff of dreams--
+      But dreams are not material."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEDICAL.--A sculptor friend, who has strabismus, consoles himself with
+the thought that he can always keep his profession in view through
+having a cast in his eye.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Frame-maker_ (_to gifted amateur, who is ordering frames
+for a few prints and sketches_). "Ah, I suppose you want something cheap
+an' ordinary for _this_?"
+
+[_N.B._--_"This" was a cherished little sketch by our amateur himself._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOT QUITE THE SAME.--Scene: _Exhibition of Works of Art._
+
+_Dealer_ (_to friend, indicating stout person closely examining a
+Vandyke_). Do you know who _that_ is? I so often see him about.
+
+_Friend._ I know him. He's a collector.
+
+_Dealer_ (_much interested_). Indeed! What does he collect? Pictures?
+
+_Friend._ No. Income tax.
+
+[_Exeunt severally._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ART CLASS.--_Inspector._ What is a "landscape painter"?
+
+_Student._ A painter of landscapes.
+
+_Inspector._ Good. What is an "animal painter"?
+
+_Student._ A painter of animals.
+
+_Inspector._ Excellent. What is a "marine painter"?
+
+_Student._ A painter of marines.
+
+_Inspector._ Admirable! Go and tell it them. Call next class.
+
+[_Exeunt students._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEST "PUBLISHER'S CIRCULAR."--A round dining-table.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SOCIAL AGONIES.--_Anxious Musician_ (_in a whisper_, _to
+Mrs. Lyon Hunter's butler_). "Where's my cello?"
+
+_Butler_ (_in stentorian tones_, _to the room_). "Signor Weresmicello!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Brown._ "Pity Jones has lost--his figure!"
+
+_Robinson._ "Not _lost_, but gone before!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Enthusiastic Briton_ (_to seedy American_, _who has been
+running down all our national monuments_). "But even if our Houses of
+Parliament 'aren't in it,' as you say, with the Masonic Temple of
+Chicago, surely, sir, you will admit the Thames Embankment, for
+instance----"
+
+_Seedy American._ "Waal, _guess_ I don't think so durned much of your
+Thames Embankment, neither. It _rained_ all the blarmed time the night I
+_slep on it_."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PROFESSIONAL VIEW OF THINGS.--Old Paynter never neglects any
+opportunity for advancing art. Every evening he has the cloth drawn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BEVERAGE FOR A MUSICIAN.--Thorough bass.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POETICAL LICENCE.--A music-hall's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TURF REFORM.--Mowing your lawn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MONSTER MEETING..--A giant and a dwarf.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SOAKER'S PARADISE.--Dropmore.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FINIS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch in Bohemia, by Various
+
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