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diff --git a/35874.txt b/35874.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b021153 --- /dev/null +++ b/35874.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3410 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch in Bohemia, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Mr. Punch in Bohemia + +Author: Various + +Editor: J. A. Hammerton + +Illustrator: Various + +Release Date: April 14, 2011 [EBook #35874] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH IN BOHEMIA *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, David Edwards and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + + + + + + + + + MR. PUNCH IN BOHEMIA + + PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR + +Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON + +Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the +cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic +draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its +beginning in 1841 to the present day. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH IN BOHEMIA + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SHAKSPEARE ILLUSTRATED + + "Tedious as a twice-told tale, + Vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man." + + _King John._ Act III., Sc. 4.] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH IN BOHEMIA + +OR THE LIGHTER SIDE OF LITERARY, ARTISTIC AND PROFESSIONAL LIFE + +[Illustration] + +AS PICTURED BY + +PHIL MAY, CHARLES KEENE, GEORGE DU MAURIER, DUDLEY HARDY, FRED PEGRAM, +F. H. TOWNSEND, LEWIS BAUMER, L. RAVEN-HILL, J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, E. +T. REED, H. M. BROCK, C. E. BROCK, TOM BROWNE, GUNNING KING, HARRY +FURNISS, A. WALLIS MILLS, G. L. STAMPA, AND OTHERS + +_156 ILLUSTRATIONS_ + +PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH + +THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH" + +THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD. + + * * * * * + +THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR + +_Twenty-five Volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_ + +LIFE IN LONDON + +COUNTRY LIFE + +IN THE HIGHLANDS + +SCOTTISH HUMOUR + +IRISH HUMOUR + +COCKNEY HUMOUR + +IN SOCIETY + +AFTER DINNER STORIES + +IN BOHEMIA + +AT THE PLAY + +MR. PUNCH AT HOME + +ON THE CONTINONG + +RAILWAY BOOK + +AT THE SEASIDE + +MR. PUNCH AFLOAT + +IN THE HUNTING FIELD + +MR. PUNCH ON TOUR + +WITH ROD AND GUN + +MR. PUNCH AWHEEL + +BOOK OF SPORTS + +GOLF STORIES + +IN WIG AND GOWN + +ON THE WARPATH + +BOOK OF LOVE + +WITH THE CHILDREN + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +THE WAY TO BOHEMIA + +[Illustration] + +Time was when Bohemianism was synonymous with soiled linen and unkempt +locks. But those days of the ragged Bohemia have happily passed away, +and that land of unconventional life--which had finally grown +conventional in its characteristics--has now become "a sphere of +influence" of Modern Society! In a word, it is now respectable. There +are those who firmly believe it has been wiped off the social map. The +dress suit and the proprieties are thought by some to be incompatible +with its existence. But it is not so; the new Bohemia is surely no less +delightful than the old. The way to it is through the doors of almost +any of the well-known literary and art clubs of London. Its inhabitants +are our artists, our men of letters, our musicians, and, above all, our +actors. + +In the present volume we are under the guidance of Mr. Punch, himself +the very flower of London's Bohemia, into this land of light-hearted +laughter and the free-and-easy manner of living. We shall follow him +chiefly through the haunts of the knights of the pen and pencil, as we +have another engagement to spend some agreeable hours with him in the +theatrical and musical world. It should be noted, however, that we shall +not be limited to what has been called "Upper Bohemia", but that we +shall, thanks to his vast experience, be able to peep both at the old +and new. + +Easily first amongst the artists who have depicted the humours of +Bohemia is Phil May. Keene and Du Maurier run him close, but their +Bohemia is on the whole more artistic, less breezily, raggedly, hungrily +unconventional than his. It is a subject that has inspired him with some +of his best jokes, and some of his finest drawings. + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +MR. PUNCH IN BOHEMIA + +THE INVALID AUTHOR.--_Wife._ "Why, nurse is reading a book, darling! Who +gave it her?" _Husband._ "_I_ did, my dear." _Wife._ "What book is it?" +_Husband._ "It's my last." _Wife._ "Darling! When you _knew_ how +important it is that _she shouldn't go to sleep_!" + + * * * * * + +A BOOKWORM'S OBSERVATION.--When a man has got turned of 70, he is in the +appendix of life. + + * * * * * + +TABLE OF CONTENTS.--The dinner table. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GRUB AND THE BUTTERFLY + + I. + +"All right, sir. I'll just wash 'er face, sir, and then she shall come +round to your stoodio, sir." + + II. + +"Here's a little girl come for you, sir!"] + + * * * * * + +PUNCH'S PROVERBS + + Most sticks have two ends, and a muff gets hold of the wrong one. + + The good boy studies his lesson; the bad boy gets it. + + If sixpence were sunshine, it would never be lost in the giving. + + The man that is happy in all things will rejoice in potatoes. + + Three removes are better than a dessert. + + Dinner deferred maketh the hungry man mad. + + Bacon without liver is food for the mind. + + Forty winks or five million is one sleep. + + You don't go to the Mansion House for skilligolee. + + Three may keep counsel if they retain a barrister. + + What is done cannot be underdone. + + You can't make a pair of shoes out of a pig's tail. + + Dinner hour is worth every other, except bedtime. + + No hairdresser puts grease into a wise man's head. + + An upright judge for a downright rogue. + + Happiness is the hindmost horse in the Derby. + + Look before you sit. + + Bear and forebear is Bruin and tripe. + + Believe twice as much as you hear of a lady's age. + + Content is the conjuror that turns mock-turtle into real. + + There is no one who perseveres in well-doing like a thorough humbug. + + The loosest fish that drinks is tight. + + Education won't polish boots. + + Experience is the mother of gumption. + + Half-a-crown is better than no bribe. + + Utopia hath no law. + + There is no cruelty in whipping cream. + + Care will kill a cat; carelessness a Christian. + + He who lights his candle at both ends, spills grease. + + Keep your jokes to yourself, and repeat other people's. + + * * * * * + +THE BEST TEXT-BOOK FOR PUGILISTS.--Knox on anatomy. + + * * * * * + +ACROBATS' TIPPLE.--Champagne in tumblers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH.--_Fond Mother._ "I +_do_ wish you would look over some of my little boy's sketches, and give +me your candid opinion on them. They strike me as perfectly marvellous +for one so young. The other day he drew a horse and cart, and, I can +assure you, you could scarcely tell the difference."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR SMOKING CONCERT + +_Irate Member._ "Well, I'll take my oath I came in a hat!"] + + * * * * * + +EDITORS + + ["Editors, behind their officialism, are human just like other + folks, for they think and they work, they laugh and they play, they + marry--just as others do. The best of them are brimful of human + nature, sympathetic and kindly, and full of the zest of life and + its merry ways."--_Round About_.] + +To look at, the ordinary editor is so like a human being that it takes +an expert to tell the difference. + +When quite young they make excellent pets, but for some strange reason +people never confess that they have editors in the house. + +Marriage is not uncommon among editors, and monogamy is the rule rather +than the exception. + +The chief hobby of an editor is the collection of stamped addressed +envelopes, which are sent to him in large numbers. No one knows why he +should want so many of these, but we believe he is under the impression +that by collecting a million of them he will be able to get a child into +some hospital. + +Of course in these enlightened days it is illegal to shoot editors, +while to destroy their young is tantamount to murder. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Country Cousin_ (_looking at Index of R. A. Catalogue_). +"Uncle, what does 1, 3, 6, 8, after a man's name, mean?" + +_Uncle_ (_who has been dragged there much against his will_). "Eh! What? +1, 3---- Oh, _Telephone number_!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN THE ARTIST'S ROOM.--_Potztausend._ "My friend, it is +kolossal! most remark-worthy! You remind me on Rubinstein; but you are +better as he." _Pianist (pleased)._ "Indeed! How?" _Potztausend._ "In de +bersbiration. My friend Rubinstein could never bersbire so moch!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BROTHERS IN ART.--_New Arrival._ "What should I charge +for teaching ze pianoforte?" _Old Stager._ "Oh, I don't know." _N. A._ +"Vell, tell me vot _you_ charge." _O. S._ "_I_ charge five guineas a +lesson." _N. A._ "Himmel! how many pupils have you got?" _O. S._ "Oh, I +have no pupils!"] + + * * * * * + +A DIVISION OF LABOUR + + ["_Journalism._--Gentleman (barrister) offers furnished bedroom in + comfortable, cheerful chambers in Temple in return for equivalent + journalistic assistance, &c."--_Times._] + +The "equivalent" is rather a nice point. _Mr. Punch_ suggests for other +gentlemen barristers the following table of equivalence:-- + + 1 furnished bedroom. = {1 introduction (by letter) to + {sub-editor of daily paper. + + 1 furnished bedroom} = {1 introduction (personal) to + with use of bath. } {sub-editor. + + {1 introduction and interview + 1 bed-sitting-room. = { (five minutes guaranteed) + {with editor. + + 2 furnished rooms.} = {1 lunch (cold) with Dr. + {Robertson Nicoll. + + 2 furnished rooms, with} = {1 lunch (hot) with Dr. Nicoll + use of bath. } {and Claudius Clear. + + 1 furnished flat, with } {1 bridge night with Lord + all modern conveniences,} = {Northcliffe, Sir George + electric light, } {Newnes, and Mr. C. A. + trams to the corner, &c.} {Pearson. + + * * * * * + +When is an author most likely to be sick of his own writing? + +When he's regularly _in the swing_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DRINK TO ME ONLY WITH THINE EYES + +SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Little Griggs_ (_to caricaturist_). "By Jove, old +feller, I wish you'd been with me this morning; you'd have seen such a +funny looking chap!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: (_Model wishing to say something pleasant._) "You must +have painted uncommonly well when you were young!"] + + * * * * * + +DINNER AND DRESS.--Full dress is not incompatible with low dress. At +dinner it is not generally the roast or the boiled that are not dressed +enough. If young men are raw, that does not much signify but it is not +nice to see girls underdone. + + * * * * * + +A CHEAP BATH.--A farthing dip. + + * * * * * + +"LIGHT DUES."--Photographers' charges. + + * * * * * + +"LETTERED EASE."--The catalogue of the British Museum. + + * * * * * + +A PROFESSIONAL VIEW OF THINGS.--Trecalfe, our bookseller, who has +recently got married, says of his wife, that he feels that her life is +bound up in his. + + * * * * * + +TAVERN WINE MEASURE + + 2 sips make 1 glass. + 2 glasses make 1 pint. + 2 pints makes 1 quart bottle. + 1 bottle makes one ill. + + * * * * * + +THE BOARDING-OUT SYSTEM.--Dining at the club. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mrs. Mashem._ "_Bull-bull_ and I have been sitting for +our photographs as 'Beauty and the Beast'!" + +_Lord Loreus_ (_a bit of a fancier_). "Yes; he certainly _is_ a beauty, +isn't he?"] + + * * * * * + +SHORT RULES FOR CALCULATION.--_To Find the Value of a Dozen +Articles._--Send them to a magazine, and double the sum offered by the +proprietor. + +_Another Way._--Send them to the butterman, who will not only fix their +value, but their weight, at per pound. + +_To Find the Value of a Pound at any price._--Try to borrow one, when +you are desperately hard up. + + * * * * * + +_Member of the Lyceum Club._ Have you read Tolstoi's "Resurrection"? + +_Member of the Cavalry Club._ No. Is that the name of Marie Corelli's +new book? + + * * * * * + +CONVIVIAL TOAST (_For a Temperance Fete_) + +FILL high: Drink _L'eau_. + + * * * * * + +_First Reveller_ (_on the following morning_). "I say, is it true you +were the only sober man last night?" + +_Second Reveller._ "Of course not!" + +_First Reveller._ "Who was, then?" + + * * * * * + +AN UGLY BARGAIN.--A cheap bull-dog. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE DUMAS CRAZE + +_Brown_ (_who, with his friends Jones and Robinson, is in town for a +week and is "going it"_). "Now, Mr. Costumier, we are going to this 'ere +ball, and we want you to make us hup as the Three Musketeers!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CHEERFUL PROSPECT.--_Jones._ "I say, Miss Golightly, +it's awfully good of you to accompany me, you know. If I've tried this +song once, I've tried it a dozen times--_and I've always broken down in +the third verse!_"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BEYOND PRAISE.--_Roscius._ "But you haven't got a word of +praise for anyone. I should like to know who you would consider a +finished artist?" + +_Criticus._ "A dead one, my boy--a dead one!"] + + * * * * * + +STALE NEWS FRESHLY TOLD.--A physician cannot obtain recovery of his +fees, although he may cause the recovery of his patient. + +Dress may be seized for rent, and a coat without cuffs may be collared +by the broker. + +A married woman can acquire nothing, the proper tie of marriage making +all she has the proper-ty of her husband. + +You may purchase any stamp at the stamp-office, except the stamp of a +gentleman. + +Pawnbrokers take such enormous interest in their little pledges, that if +they were really pledges of affection, the interest taken could hardly +be exceeded. + + * * * * * + +THE AUTHORS OF OUR OWN PLEASURES.--Next to the pleasure of having done a +good action, there is nothing so sweet as the pleasure of having written +a good article! + + * * * * * + +CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.--When the organ nuisance shall have been swept +away from our streets, that fearful instrument of ear-piercing torture +called the hurdy-gurdy will then (thank Parliament!) be known as the +_un-heardy_-gurdy. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MY MOTHER BIDS ME BIND MY HAIR + +SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS] + + * * * * * + +A FEW GOLDEN RULES TRANSMUTED INTO BRASS + +THE GOLDEN RULE. + +1. Never put off till to-morrow what you can do to-day. + +2. Never trouble another for a trifle which you can do yourself. + +3. Never spend your money before you have it, if you would make the most +of your means. + +4. Nothing is troublesome that we do willingly. + +THE BRAZEN RULE. + +1. Put off till to-morrow the dun who won't be done to-day. + +2. When another would trouble you for a trifle, never trouble yourself. + +3. Spend your money before you have it; and when you have it, spend it +again, for by so doing you enjoy your means twice, instead of only once. + +4. You have only to do a creditor willingly, and he will never be +troublesome. + + * * * * * + +A LITERARY PURSUIT.--Chasing a newspaper in a high wind. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE TRUE TEST.-- + +_First Screever_ (_stopping before a pastel in a picture dealer's +window_). "Ullo 'Erbert, look 'ere! Chalks!" + +_Second Screever._ "Ah, very tricky, I dessay. But you set that chap on +the pivement alongside o' you an' me, to dror 'arf a salmon an' a nempty +'at, an' where 'ud 'e be?" + +_First Screever._ "Ah!"] + + [_Exeunt ambo._ + + * * * * * + +MUSICAL NEWS (NOOSE).--We perceive from a foreign paper that a criminal +who has been imprisoned for a considerable period at Presburg has +acquired a complete mastery over the violin. It has been announced that +he will shortly make an appearance in public. Doubtless, his performance +will be _a solo on one string_. + + * * * * * + +_Sporting Prophet_ (_playing billiards_). Marker, here's the tip off +this cue as usual. + +_Marker._ Yes, sir. Better give us one of your "tips," sir, as _they +never come off_. + + * * * * * + +ART DOGMA.--An artist's wife never admires her husband's work so much as +when he is drawing her a cheque. + + * * * * * + +THE UNITED EFFORT OF SIX ROYAL ACADEMICIANS.--What colour is it that +contains several? An umber (_a number_). + + * * * * * + +MEM. AT BURLINGTON HOUSE.--A picture may be "capitally executed" without +of necessity being "well hung." And _vice versa_. + + * * * * * + +A SCHISM TO BE APPROVED OF.--A witticism. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EXCELSIOR!-- + +_She._ "I didn't know you were a _musician_, Herr Mueller." + +_He._ "A musician? Ach, no--Gott vorpit! I am a _Wagnerian_!"] + + * * * * * + +AN AUTHOR'S CRY OF AGONY + +(_Wrung from him by the repeated calls of the printer's boy_) + +"Oh! that devils' visits were, like angels', 'few and far between!'" + + * * * * * + +RIDDLES BY A WRETCH.--_Q._ What is the difference between a surgeon and +a wizard? + +_A._ The one is a cupper and the other is a sorcerer. + +_Q._ Why is America like the act of reflection? + +_A._ Because it is a roomy-nation. + +_Q._ Why is your pretty cousin like an alabaster vase? + +_A._ Because she is an _objet de looks_. + +_Q._ How is it that a man born in Truro can never be an Irishman? + +_A._ Because he always is a true-Roman. + +_Q._ Why is my game cock like a bishop? + +_A._ Because he has his crows here (_crozier_). + + * * * * * + +COUPLET BY A CYNIC + +(_After reading certain Press Comments on the Picture Show_) + + Philistine art may stand all critic shocks + Whilst it gives private views--of pretty frocks! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RETALIATION.-- + +_Comic Man_ (_to unappreciated tenor, whose song has just been received +in stony silence_). "I say, you're not going to sing an encore, are +you?" + +_Unappreciated Tenor_ (_firmly_). "Yes, I am. _Serve them right!_"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN INDUCEMENT.-- + +_Swedish Exercise Instructress._ "Now, ladies, if you will only follow +my directions carefully, it is quite possible that you may become even +as I am!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MORE SWEDISH INSTRUCTION.-- + +_Instructress_ (_to exhausted class, who have been hopping round room +for some time_). "Come! Come! That won't do at all. You _must_ look +cheerful. Keep smiling--smiling all the time!"] + + * * * * * + +A BATCH OF PROOFS + + The proof of a pudding is in the eating: + The proof of a woman is in making a pudding; + And the proof of a man is in being able to dine without one. + + * * * * * + +A REFLECTION ON LITERATURE.--It is a well-authenticated fact, that the +name of a book has a great deal to do with its sale and its success. How +strange that titles should go for so much in the republic of letters. + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR THE REJECTED AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY (_suggested by one of the +Forty_).--"Hanging's too good for them!" + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTION FOR A MUSIC-HALL SONG (_to suit any Lionne Comique_).--"Wink +at _me only_ with one eye," &c., &c. + + * * * * * + +AMPLE GROUNDS FOR COMPLAINT.--Finding the grounds of your coffee to +consist of nothing but chicory. + + * * * * * + +A SMILING COUNTENANCE is "The happy mien." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Publisher_ (_impatiently_). "Well, sir, what is it?" + +_Poet_ (_timidly_). "O--er--are you Mr. Jobson?" + +_Publisher_ (_irritably_). "Yes." + +_Poet_ (_more timidly_). "Mr. _George_ Jobson?" + +_Publisher_ (_excitably_). "Yes, sir, that's my name." + +_Poet_ (_more timidly still_). "Of the firm of Messrs. Jobson and +Doodle?" + +_Publisher_ (_angrily_). "Yes. What do you want?" + +_Poet_ "Oh--I want to see Mr. Doodle!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR ORCHESTRAL SOCIETY.--_The Rector._ "Oh, _piano_, Mr. +Brown! _Pi-an-o!_" + +_Mr. Brown._ "_Piano_ be blowed! I've come here to enjoy myself!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Customer._--"Have you 'How to be happy though married'?" + +_Bookseller._ "No, sir. We have run out at present of the work you +mention; but we are selling this little book by the hundred."] + + * * * * * + +A LETTER TO A YOUNG PUBLISHER + +Since, my dear Jones, you are good enough to ask for my advice, need I +say that your success in business will depend chiefly upon judicious +advertisement? You are bringing out, I understand, a thrilling story of +domestic life, entitled "Maria's Marriage." Already, I am glad to learn, +you have caused a paragraph to appear in the literary journals +contradicting "the widespread report that Mr. Kipling and the German +Emperor have collaborated in the production of this novel, the +appearance of which is awaited with such extraordinary interest." And +you have induced a number of papers to give prominence to the fact that +Mr. Penwiper dines daily off curry and clotted cream. So far, so good. +Your next step will be to send out review-copies, together with +ready-made laudatory criticisms; in order, as you will explain, to save +the hard worked reviewers trouble. But, you will say, supposing this +ingenious device to fail? Supposing "Maria's Marriage" to be +universally "slated"? Well, even then you need not despair. With a +little practice, you will learn the art of manufacturing an attractive +advertisement column from the most unpromising material. Let me give you +a brief example of the method:-- + +I.--THE RAW MATERIAL. + +"Mr. Penwiper's latest production, 'Maria's Marriage,' scarcely calls +for serious notice. It seems hard to believe that even the most tolerant +reader will contrive to study with attention a work of which every page +contains glaring errors of taste. Humour, smartness, and interest are +all conspicuously wanting."--_The Thunderer._ + +"This book is undeniably third-rate--dull, badly-written, incoherent; in +fine, a dismal failure."--_The Wigwam._ + +"If 'Maria's Marriage' has any real merit, it is as an object-lesson to +aspiring authors. Here, we would say to them, is a striking example of +the way in which romance should not be written. Set yourself to produce +a work exactly its opposite in every particular, and the chances are +that you will produce, if not a masterpiece, at least, a tale free from +the most glaring faults. For the terrible warning thus afforded by his +volume to budding writers, Mr. Penwiper deserves to be heartily +thanked."--_Daily Telephone._ + +"'Maria's Marriage' is another book that we have received in the course +of the month."--_The Parachute._ + +II.--THE RESULT. + +"Maria's Marriage!" "Maria's Marriage!" + +Gigantic Success--The Talk of London. + +The 29th edition will be issued this week if the sale of twenty-eight +previous ones makes this necessary. Each edition is strictly limited! + +"Maria's Marriage!" + +The voice of the Press is simply _unanimous_. Read the following +extracts--taken almost at random from the reviews of leading papers. + +"Mr. Penwiper's latest production ... calls for serious notice ... the +reader will ... study with attention a work of which every page contains +taste, humour, smartness and interest!"--_The Thunderer._ + +"Undeniably ... fine!"--_The Wigwam._ + +"Has ... real merit ... an object lesson ... a striking example of the +way in which romance ... should be written. A masterpiece ... free from +faults. Mr. Penwiper deserves to be heartily thanked."--_Daily +Telephone._ + +"The book ... of the month!"--_The Parachute_, &c., &c. + +"Maria's Marriage!" A veritable triumph! Order it from your bookseller +to-day! + +That, my dear Jones, is how the trick is done. I hope to give you some +further hints on a future occasion. + + * * * * * + +"PRAY, AFTER YOU," as the glass of water said to the pill. + + * * * * * + +TRUISM FOR TEETOTALERS.--When a man is _out_ of spirits--he should take +wine. + + * * * * * + +A NEEDLESS QUESTION.--"Do you want a loan?" + + * * * * * + +THE BRITISH "PUBLIC."--The beer-shop. + + * * * * * + +MORNING ENVELOPES.--Dressing gowns. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "_Operator_" (_desperately, after half an hour's +fruitless endeavour to make a successful "picture" from unpromising +sitter_). "Suppose, madam, we try a pose with just the _least_ +suggestion of--er--_sauciness_?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GUSHING HOSPITALITY. (Time 3 p.m.).--_Hospitable Host._ +"Have c'gar, old f'lla?" + +_Languid Visitor._ "No--thanks." + +_H. H._ "Cigarette then?" + +_His Visitor._ "No--thanks. Nevar smoke 'mejately after breakfast." + +_H. H._ "Can't refuse a toothpick, then, old f'lla?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PROPORTIONS.--_Buyer._ "In future, as my collection +increases, and my wall-space is limited, and price no object, perhaps +you would let me have a little more 'picture,' and a little less +'mount'!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INGENUOUS!--_Jones_ (_to his fair partner, after their +opponents have declared "clubs"_). "Shall I play to 'clubs', partner?" + +_Fair Partner_ (_who has never played bridge before_). "Oh, no, please +don't, Mr. Jones. I've only got two little ones."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _She._ "And are all these lovely things about which you +write imaginary?" + +_The Poet._ "Oh, no, Miss Ethel. I have only to open my eyes and I see +something beautiful before me." + +_She._ "Oh, how I wish I could say the same!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT THE R.A.--_First Painter._ "I've just been showing my +aunt round. Most amusing. Invariably picks out the wrong pictures to +admire and denounces the good ones!" + +_Second Painter._ "Did she say anything about mine?" + +_First Painter._ "Oh, she liked yours!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I say, old man, I've invented a new drink. Big success! +Come and try it." + +"What's it made of?" + +"Well, it's something like the ordinary whisky and soda, but you put +more whisky in it!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PROPHET IN HIS OWN COUNTRY + +_Sylvia._ "I wonder whether he'll be a soldier or a sailor?" + +_Mamma._ "Wouldn't you like him to be an artist, like papa?" + +_Sylvia._ "Oh, one in the family's quite enough!"] + + * * * * * + +"THE BITTER END."--The last half inch of a halfpenny cigar. + + * * * * * + +THE WORST POSSIBLE NAME FOR AN AUTHOR.--Dr. Dozy. + + * * * * * + +Why oughtn't a boot and shoemaker to be trusted? + +Because he's a slippery customer. + + * * * * * + +THE RACE FOR WEALTH.--Jews. + + * * * * * + +BASSO PROFONDO.--A deep draught of bitter beer. + + * * * * * + +EXERCISE FOR CITY CLERKS.--A run on a Bank. + + * * * * * + +PASSING THE TIME.--Going by a clock. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Coming off with flying colours] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THY FACE + +SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS] + + * * * * * + +LITERARY NOTES + +A well-known diner-out has, we learn, collected his reminiscences, and +would be glad to hear from some obliging gentleman or gentlemen who +would "earnestly request" him to publish them. + +We should add that no names would be mentioned, the preface merely +opening as follows:-- + + "Although these stray gleanings of past years are of but ephemeral + value, and though they were collected with no thought of + publication, the writer at the earnest request of a friend" (or + "many friends," if more than one) "has reluctantly consented to + give his scattered reminiscences to the world." + + * * * * * + +The following volumes in "The Biter Bit" series are announced as shortly +to appear:-- + +"The Fighter Fit; or practical hints on pugilistic training." + +"The Lighter Lit: a treatise on the illumination of Thames barges." + +"The Slighter Slit: or a new and economical method of cutting out." + +"The Tighter Tit: studies in the comparative inebriation of birds." + +[Illustration: Some fine form was exhibited] + +[Illustration: A two-figure break] + +[Illustration: A heat of 500 up] + +[Illustration: Finishing the game with a cannon] + +[Illustration: Opening with the customary miss] + +[Illustration: Spot barred] + +BILLIARD NOTES BY DUMB-CRAMBO + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SENDING-IN-DAY AT THE R. A. + +"But it is impossible for you to see the President. What do you want to +see him for?" + +"I want to show him exactly where I want my picture hung."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Millionaire._ "Yes; I'm awful partial to picters. Why, +bless yer, I've got _cellars_ full of 'em!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE EXHIBITION"] + +_Infuriated Outsider._ "R-r-r-rejected, sir!----Fwanospace, sir!" (_With +withering emphasis._) "'Want--of--space--sir!!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Look here, Schlumpenhagen, you must help us at our +smoking concert. You play the flute, don't you?" + +"Not ven dere ish anypotty apout." + +"How's that?" + +"Dey _von't let me_!"] + + * * * * * + +ROCHEFOUCAULDIANA + +There is no sympathy in England so universally felt, so largely +expressed, as for a person who is likely to catch cold. + + * * * * * + +When a person loses his reputation, the very last place where he goes to +look for it is the place where he has lost it. + + * * * * * + +No gift so fatal as that of singing. The principal question asked, upon +insuring a man's life, should be, "Do you sing a good song?" + + * * * * * + +Many of us are led by our vices, but a great many more of us follow them +without any leading at all. + + * * * * * + +To show how deceptive are appearances, more gentlemen are mistaken for +waiters, than waiters for gentlemen. + + * * * * * + +To a retired tradesman there can be no greater convenience than that of +having a "short sight." In truth, wealth rarely improves the vision. +Poverty, on the contrary, strengthens it. A man, when he is poor, is +able to discover objects at the greatest distance with the naked eye, +which he could not see, though standing close to his elbow, when he was +rich. + + * * * * * + +If you wish to set a room full of silent people off talking, get some +one to sing a song. + + * * * * * + +The bore is happy enough in boring others, but is never so miserable as +when left alone, when there is no one but himself to bore. + + * * * * * + +The contradictions of this life are wonderful. Many a man, who hasn't +the courage to say "no," never misses taking a shower-bath every morning +of his life. + + * * * * * + +If you wish to borrow L5 ask for L10. + + * * * * * + +WHAT BROWN SAID + +SCENE--_Hall of the Elysium Club_ + +_Enter_ Smith, F.R.S., _meeting_ Brown, Q.C. + +_Smith._ Raw day, eh? + +_Brown._ Very _raw_. Glad when it's _done_. + + [_Exit_ Brown, Q.C. _Exit_ Smith, F.R.S., _into smoking-room, where + he tells a good thing that_ Brown _said_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT THE ACADEMY + +_Miss Jones._ "How came you to think of the subject, Mr. de Brush?" + +_Eccentric Artist._ "Oh, I have had it in my head for years!" + +_Miss Jones._ "How wonderful! What did the papers say?" + +_Eccentric Artist._ "Said it was full of 'atmosphere,' and suggested +'space.'"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INTELLIGENT!--_Artist_ (_who thinks he has found a good +model for his Touchstone_). "Have you any sense of humour, Mr. Bingles?" + +_Model._ "Thank y' sir, no, sir, thank y'. I enj'ys pretty good 'ealth, +sir, thank y' sir!"] + + * * * * * + +THE PERILS OF A CONVERSAZIONE + +_Miss Fillip_ (_to gentleman whose name she did not catch when +introduced_). Have you read _A Modern Heliogabolus_? + +_He._ Yes, I have. + +_Miss F._ All through? + +_He._ Yes, from beginning to end. + +_Miss F._ Dear me! I wonder you're alive! How did you manage to get +through it? + +_He_ (_diffidently_). Unfortunately, I wrote it. + +[_Miss F. catches a distant friend's eye._ + + * * * * * + +THE SOUND SLEEPER'S PARADISE.--Snoring. + + * * * * * + +_PATENT_ NIGHT-LIGHTS.--Stars. + + * * * * * + +EPITAPH ON A CHAMPION BILLIARD PLAYER.--"Taking his long rest." + + * * * * * + +TONED PAPER.--Sheets of music. + + * * * * * + +ITEM ON A MENU OF LITERARY PABULUM.--"Shakspeare and Bacon." + + * * * * * + +RACE GLASSES.--Champagne. + + * * * * * + +THE MAID OF THE MILL.--A lady boxer. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SENTIMENT.--(_Artistic-minded Youth in midst of a fierce +harangue from his father, who is growing hotter and redder_). "By Jove, +that's a fine bit of colour, if you like!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "What an ass old Brown is!" + +"Oh, I don't know. He's got far more brains than appear on the +surface."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Art-Master_ (_who has sent for a cab, pointing to +horse_). "What do you call that?" + +_Cabby._ "An 'orse, sir." + +_Art-Master._ "A horse! Rub it out, and do it again!"] + + * * * * * + +A PARCEL OF PROVERBS, &c. COMPLETED + + Take time by the forelock--to have his hair cut. + + Follow your leader--in your daily paper. + + The proof of the pudding is in the eating--a great deal of it. + + Never look a gift-horse in the mouth--lest you should find false teeth. + + The hare with many friends--was eaten at last. + + A stitch in time saves nine--or more naughty words, when a button comes + off while you are dressing in a great hurry for dinner. + + One man's meat is another man's poison--when badly cooked. + + Don't count your chickens before they are hatched--by the patent + incubator. + + Love is blind--and unwilling to submit to an operation. + + First catch your hare--then cook it with rich gravy. + + Nil Desperandum--PERCY VERE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NON-COMMITTAL.-- + +Scene: _Fashionable Auction Rooms. A Picture Sale._-- + +_Amateur Collector_ (_after taking advice of Expert No. 1, addresses +Expert No. 2_). "What do you think of the picture? I am advised to buy +it. Is it not a fine Titian?" + +_Expert No. 2_ (_wishing to please both parties_). "I don't think you +can go far wrong, for anyhow, if it isn't a Titian it's a repe-tition."] + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER PARCEL OF PROVERBS + + If the cap fits, wear it--out. + + Six of one, and half-a-dozen of the other--make exactly twelve. + + None so deaf as those who won't hear--hear! hear! + + Faint heart never won fair lady--nor dark one either. + + Civility costs nothing--nay, is something to your credit. + + The best of friends must part--their hair. + + Any port in a storm--but old port preferred. + + One good turn deserves another--in waltzing. + + Youth at the prow and pleasure at the helm--very sea-sick. + + * * * * * + +"LEADING STRINGS."--Those of a first violin in an orchestra. + + * * * * * + +TOBACCO STOPPERS.--Men who stay to smoke. + + * * * * * + +SMOKER'S PROVERB.--It's an ill weed that blows nobody any good. + +A _TIDY_ DRINK.--_Neat_ brandy. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Amateur_ "_Minimus Poet_" (_who has called at the office +twice a week for three months_). "Could you use a little poem of mine?" + +_Editor_ (_ruthlessly determined that this shall be his final visit_). +"Oh, I think so. There are two or three broken panes of glass, and a +hole in the skylight. How large is it?"] + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR A SUB-EDITOR.--"Aut _scissors_, aut nullus." + + * * * * * + +_To find the value of a Cook._--Divide the services rendered by the +wages paid; deduct the kitchen stuff, subtract the cold meat by finding +how often three policemen will go into one area, and the quotient will +help you to the result. + +_To find the value of a Friend._--Ask him to put his name to a bill. + +_To find the value of Time._--Travel by a Bayswater omnibus. + +_To find the value of Eau de Cologne._--Walk into Smithfield market. + +_To find the value of Patience._--Consult Bradshaw's _Guide_ to +ascertain the time of starting of a railway train. + + * * * * * + +NOTE BY A SOCIAL CYNIC.--They may abolish the "push" stroke at +billiards, but they'll never do so in society. + + * * * * * + +FROM OUR OWN IRREPRESSIBLE ONE (_still dodging custody_).--_Q._ Why is a +daily paper like a lamb? _A._ Because it is always folded. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DUTY BEFORE PLEASURE.--_Hostess_ (_to new Curate_). "We +seem to be talking of nothing but horses, Mr. Soothern. Are you much of +a sportsman?" + +_Curate._ "Really, Lady Betty, I don't think I ought to say that I am. I +used to collect butterflies; but I have to give up even _that_ now!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SHAKSPEARE ILLUSTRATED + +"The gods confound thee! Dost thou hold there still?" + _Antony and Cleopatra_, Act II., Sc. 5.] + + * * * * * + +"STILL WATERS."--Whiskies. + + * * * * * + +ART CRITICISM.--In too many pictures the colour is medi-ocre. + + * * * * * + +THE ADVERTISER'S PARADISE.--Puffin Island. + + * * * * * + +A MUSICAL BURGLAR.--One who breaks into a tune. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HE KNEW HIS WORK + +_Proprietor of Travelling Menagerie._ "Are you used to looking after +horses and other animals?" + +_Applicant for Job._ "Yessir. Been used to 'orses all my life." + +_P. O. T. M._ "What steps would you take if a lion got loose?" + +_A. F. J._ "Good long 'uns, mister!"] + + * * * * * + +MAY BE HEARD EVERYWHERE.--"Songs without words"--a remarkable +performance; but perhaps a still more wonderful feat is playing upon +words. + + * * * * * + +SUBSTITUTES FOR PROFANE SWEARING + +(_Adapted to various Sorts and Conditions of Men_) + +_Lawyer._ Tax my bill. + +_Doctor._ Dash my draughts. + +_Soldier_. Snap my stock. + +_Parson._ Starch my surplice. + +_Bricklayer._ I'll be plastered. + +_Bricklayer's Labourer._ Chop my hod. + +_Carpenter._ Saw me. + +_Plumber and Glazier._ Solder my pipes. Smash my panes. + +_Painter._ I'm daubed. + +_Brewer._ I'm mashed. + +_Engineer._ Burst my boiler. + +_Stoker._ Souse my coke. + +_Costermonger._ Rot my taturs. + +_Dramatic Author._ Steal my French Dictionary. + +_Actor._ I'll be hissed. + +_Tailor._ Cut me out. Cook my goose. + +_Linendraper._ Soil my silks. Sell me off. + +_Grocer._ Squash my figs. Sand my sugar. Seize my scales. + +_Baker._ Knead my dough. Scorch my muffins. + +_Auctioneer._ Knock me down. + + * * * * * + +"THE PLAYERS ARE COME!"--_First Player_ (_who has had a run of +ill-luck_). I'm regularly haunted by the recollection of my losses at +baccarat. + +_Second Player._ Quite Shakespearian! "Banco's ghost." + + * * * * * + +SOMETHING TO LIVE FOR.--(_From the Literary Club Smoking-room._) +_Cynicus._ I'm waiting till my friends are dead, in order to write my +reminiscences? + +_Amicus._ Ah, but remember. "_De mortuis nil nisi bonum._" + +_Cynicus._ Quite so. I shall tell nothing but exceedingly good stories +about them. + + * * * * * + +A CONTRADICTION.--In picture exhibitions, the observant spectator is +struck by the fact that works hung on the line are too often below the +mark. + + * * * * * + +A "LIGHT" REPAST.--A feast of lanterns. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: R. A. GEMS.--_Fair Amateur_ (_to carpenter_). "My picture +is quite hidden with that horrid ticket on it. Can't you fix it on the +frame?" _Carpenter._ "Why, you'll spoil the frame, mum!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Jones._ "Do you drink between meals?" + +_Smith._ "No. I eat between drinks." + +_Jones._ "Which did you do last?" + +_Smith._ "Drink." + +_Jones._ "Then we'd better go and have a sandwich at once!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NOCTURNE IN THE OLD KENT ROAD] + + * * * * * + +"LARGEST CIRCULATION IN THE WORLD."--The elephant's. + + * * * * * + +THE WORST PLACE IN THIRSTY WEATHER.--Taplow. + + * * * * * + +INSCRIPTION FOR AN OLD CLOTHES SHOP.--"Nothing new." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "JUST A SONG AT TWILIGHT"] + +(_As sung sweetly by a Public-House-Baritone_) + + * * * * * + +LITERARY ANNOUNCEMENT.--In the press--yesterday's tablecloth. + + * * * * * + +THE HEIGHT OF ECONOMY.--A "screw" of tobacco. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A BROKEN MELODY + +SCENE I.--_Street Singer._ "I fear no foe in shining ar----."] + +[Illustration: A BROKEN MELODY + +SCENE II.--Enter policeman.] + + * * * * * + +THE QUICK GRUB STREET CO. + +THE QUICK GRUB STREET CO. BEG TO ANNOUNCE THAT THEY HAVE OPENED AN +ESTABLISHMENT FOR THE SUPPLY OF LITERATURE IN ALL ITS BRANCHES. + + _Every Editor should send for our Prices and compare them with + those of other houses._ + +POETRY DEPARTMENT. + +We employ experienced poets for the supply of garden verses, war songs, +&c., and undertake to fill any order within twenty-four hours of its +reaching us. Our Mr. Rhymeesi will be glad to wait upon parties +requiring verse of any description, and, if the matter is at all urgent, +to execute the order on the spot. + +DRAMA DEPARTMENT. + +Actor-managers before going elsewhere should give us a call. Our plays +draw wherever they are presented, even if it is only bricks. + +_Testimonial._--A manager writes: "The play you kindly supplied, _The +Blue Bloodhound of Bletchley_, is universally admitted to be _unlike +anything ever before produced on the stage_." + +Musical comedies (guaranteed absolutely free from plot) supplied on +shortest notice. + +FICTION DEPARTMENT. + +For society dialogues we use the very best duchesses; while a +first-class earl's daughter is retained for Court and gala opera. + +For our new line of _vie intime_ we employ none but valets and +confidential maids, who have to serve an apprenticeship with P.A.P. + +THE KAILYARD DEPARTMENT + +is always up-to-date, and our Mr. Stickit will be pleased to call on any +editor on receipt of post-card. + +N.B.--We guarantee our Scotch Idyll to be absolutely unintelligible to +any English reader, and undertake to refund money if it can be proved +that such is not the case. + +Our speciality, however, is our _Six-Shilling Shocker_, as sold for +serial purposes. Editors with papers that won't "go" should ask for one +of these. When ordering please state general idea required under one of +our recognised sections, as foreign office, police, mounted infantry, +cowardice, Rome, &c., &c. + +BIOGRAPHY. + +Any gentleman wishing to have a biography of himself produced in +anticipation of his decease should communicate with us. + +The work would, of course, be published with a note to the effect that +the writing had been a labour of love; that moreover the subject with +his usual modesty had been averse from the idea of a biography. + +_Testimonial._--Sir Sunny Jameson writes: "The Life gives great +satisfaction. No reference made, however, to my munificent gift of L50 +to the Referees' Hospital. This should be remedied in the next edition. +The work, however, has been excellently done. You have made me out to be +better than even I ever thought myself." + +For love letters, + +For the Elizabethan vogue, + +For every description of garden meditations, + +Give the Quick Grub Street Company a trial. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SOFT ANSWER.--_Papa_ (_literary, who has given orders +he is not to be disturbed_). "Who is it?" + +_Little Daughter._ "Scarcely anybody, dear papa!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SECRETS OF LITERARY COMPOSITION + +_The Fair Authoress of "Passionate Pauline," gazing fondly at her own +reflection, writes as follows_:-- + +"I look into the glass, reader. What do I see? + +I see a pair of laughing, _espiegle_, forget-me-not blue eyes, saucy +and defiant; a _mutine_ little rose-bud of a mouth, with its +ever-mocking _moue_; a tiny shell-like ear, trying to play hide-and-seek +in a tangled maze of rebellious russet gold; while, from underneath the +satin folds of a _rose-the_ dressing-gown, a dainty foot peeps coyly +forth in its exquisitely-pointed gold morocco slipper", &c., &c. + +(_Vide "Passionate Pauline", by Parbleu._)] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A DISTINCTION + +_First Gourmet._ "That was Mr. Dobbs I just nodded to." + +_Second Gourmet._ "I know." + +_First G._ "He asked me to dine at his house next Thursday--but I can't. +Ever dined at Dobbs's?" + +_Second G._ "No. Never _dined_. But I've been there to dinner!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Auctioneer._ "Lot 52. A genuine Turner. Painted during +the artist's lifetime. What offers, gentlemen?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Millionaire_ (_who has been shown into fashionable +artist's studio, and has been kept waiting a few minutes_). "SHOP!"] + + * * * * * + +NONSENSE PROVERBS + + WHAT'S in the pot mustn't be told to the pan. + + There's a mouth for every muffin. + + A clear soup and no flavour. + + As drunk as a daisy. + + All rind and no cheese. + + Set a beggar on horseback, and he will cheat the livery-stable keeper. + + There's a B in every bonnet. + + Two-and-six of one and half-a-crown of the other. + + The insurance officer dreads a fire. + + First catch your heir, then hook him. + + Every plum has its pudding. + + Short pipes make long smokes. + + It's a long lane that has no blackberries. + + Wind and weather come together. + + A flower in the button-hole is worth two on the bush. + + Round robin is a shy bird. + + There's a shiny lining to every hat. + + The longest dinner will come to an end. + + You must take the pips with the orange. + + It's a wise dentist that knows his own teeth. + + No rose without a gardener. + + Better to marry in May than not to marry at all. + + Save sovereigns, spend guineas. + + Too many followers spoil the cook. (N.B. This is _not_ nonsense.) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Profusely decorated with cuts] + + * * * * * + +SAID AT THE ACADEMY.--_Punch_ doesn't care _who_ said it. It was +extremely rude to call the commission on capital punishments the hanging +committee. + + * * * * * + +THE GRAMMAR OF ART.--"Art," spell it with a big or little "a," can never +come first in any well-educated person's ideas. "I am" must have the +place of honour; then "Thou Art!" so apostrophised, comes next. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Scrumble._ "Been to see the old masters?" + +_Stippleton_ (_who has married money_). "No. Fact is"--(_sotto +voce_)--"I've got quite enough on my hands with the old missus!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TWO OLD MASTERS OF ARTS] + + * * * * * + +ARTIST'S VADE MECUM + +_Question._ Has the anxious parent been to see his child's portrait? + +_Answer._ He has seen it. + +_Q._ Did he approve of it? + +_A._ He will like it better when I have made some slight alterations. + +_Q._ What are they? + +_A._ He would like the attitude of the figure altered, the position of +the arms changed, the face turned the other way, the hair and eyes made +a different colour, and the expression of the mouth improved. + +_Q._ Did he make any other suggestions? + +_A._ Yes; he wishes to have the child's favourite pony and Newfoundland +dog put in, with an indication of the ancestral home in the back-ground. + +_Q._ Is he willing to pay anything extra for these additions? + +_A._ He does not consider it necessary. + +_Q._ Are you well on with your Academy picture? + +_A._ No; but I began the charcoal sketch yesterday. + +_Q._ Have you secured the handsome model? + +_A._ No; the handsome model has been permanently engaged by the eminent +R.A. + +_Q._ Under these circumstances, do you still expect to get finished in +time? + +_A._ Yes; I have been at this stage in February for as many years as I +can remember, and have generally managed to worry through somehow. + + * * * * * + +WHENEVER the "Reduced Prizefighters" take a benefit at a theatre, the +play should be _The Miller and his Men_. + + * * * * * + +A NICE MAN.--Mr. Swiggins was a sot. He was also a sloven. He never had +anything neat about him but gin. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Under a great master] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE WARRIOR BOLD + +SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GAY TOM TIT + +SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS] + + * * * * * + +"HUNG, DRAWN, AND QUARTERED."--(_Mr. Punch's sentence on three-fourths +of the Academicians' work "on the line."_)--Very well "hung"; very ill +"drawn"; a great deal better "quartered" than it deserves. + + * * * * * + +THE SPIRIT OF THE AGE.--Gin. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST" + +When he magnanimously consents to go on the platform at a conjuring +performance, and unwonted objects are produced from his inside pockets.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Celebrated Minor Poet._ "Ah, hostess, how 'do? Did you +get my book I sent you yesterday?" + +_Hostess._ "Delightful! _I couldn't sleep till I'd read it!_"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Infant Prodigy has reached the middle of an +exceedingly difficult pianoforte solo, and one of those dramatic pauses +of which the celebrated composer is so fond has occurred. Kindly but +undiscerning old Lady._ "Play something you know, dearie."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT A FENCING "AT HOME."--_Distinguished Foreigner_ (_hero +of a hundred duels_). "It is delightful, mademoiselle. You English are a +sporting nation." + +_Fair Member._ "So glad you are enjoying it. By the way, Monsieur le +Marquis, have they introduced fencing into France yet?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN THE CAUSE OF ART.--_Patron._ "When are yer goin' to +start my wife's picture and mine? 'Cause, when the 'ouse is up we're a +goin'----" + +_Artist._ "Oh, I'll get the canvases at once, and----" + +_Patron_ (_millionaire_). "Canvas! 'Ang it!--none o' yer canvas for me! +Price is no objec'! I can afford to pay for something better than +canvas!!" [_Tableau!_] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GRATIFYING!--_Amateur Artist_ (_to the carrier_). "Did +you see my picture safely delivered at the Royal Academy?" + +_Carrier._ "Yessir, and mighty pleased they seemed to be with +it--leastways, if one may jedge, sir. They didn't say nothin'--but--lor' +how they did laugh!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Artist_ (_who has recommended model to a friend_). "Have +you been to sit to Mr. Jones yet?" + +_Model._ "Well, I've been to see him; but directly I got into his +studio, 'Why,' he said, 'you've got a head like a Botticelli.' I don't +know what a Botticelli is, but I didn't go there to be called names, so +I come away!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Art Student_ (_engaging rooms_). "What is that?" + +_Landlady._ "That is a picture of our church done in wool by my +daughter, sir. She's subject to art, too."] + + * * * * * + +THE SUB-EDITOR'S AUNT + +"I always buy your paper my dear Horace," said the old lady, "although +there is much in it I cannot approve of. But there is one thing that +puzzles me extremely." + +"Yes, aunt?" said the Sub-Editor meekly, as he sipped his tea. + +"Why, I notice that the contents bill invariably has one word calculated +to stimulate the morbid curiosity of the reader. An adjective." + +"Circulation depends upon adjectives," said the Sub-Editor. + +"I don't think I object to them," the old lady replied; "but what I want +you to tell me is how you choose them. How do you decide whether an +occurrence is 'remarkable' or 'extraordinary,' 'astounding' or +'exciting,' 'thrilling' or 'alarming,' 'sensational' or merely +'strange,' 'startling' or 'unique'? What tells you which word to use?" + +"Well, aunt, we have a system to indicate the adjective to a nicety; +but----" + +"My dear Horace, I will never breathe a word. You should know that. No +one holds the secrets of the press more sacred than I." + +The Sub-Editor settled himself more comfortably in his chair. + +"You see, aunt, the great thing in an evening paper is human interest. +What we want to get is news to hit the man-in-the-street. Everything +that we do is done for the man-in-the-street. And therefore we keep +safely locked up in a little room a tame man of this description. He may +not be much to look at, but his sympathies are right, unerringly right. +He sits there from nine till six, and has things to eat now and then. We +call him the Thrillometer." + +"How wonderful! How proud you should be Horace, to be a part of this +mighty mechanism, the press." + +"I am, aunt. Well, the duties of the Thrillometer are very simple. +Directly a piece of news comes in, it is the place of one of the +Sub-Editors to hurry to the Thrillometer's room and read it to him. I +have to do this." + +"Poor boy. You are sadly overworked, I fear." + +"Yes, aunt. And while I read I watch his face." + +"Long study has told me exactly what degree of interest is excited within +him by the announcement. I know instantly whether his expression means +'phenomenal' or only 'remarkable,' whether 'distressing' or only 'sad,' +whether----" + +"Is there so much difference between 'distressing' and 'sad,' Horace?" + +"Oh, yes, aunt. A suicide in Half Moon Street is 'distressing'; in the +City Road it is only 'sad.' Again, a raid on a club in Whitechapel is of +no account; but a raid on a West-End club is worth three lines of large +type in the bill, above Fry's innings." + +"Do you mean a club in Soho when you say West-End?" + +"Yes, aunt, as a rule." + +"But why do you call that the West-End?" + +"That was the Thrillometer's doing, aunt. He fell asleep over a club +raid, and a very good one too, when I said it was in Soho; but when I +told him of the next--also in Soho, chiefly Italian waiters--and said +it was in the West-End, his eyes nearly came out of his head. So you see +how useful the Thrillometer can be." + +"Most ingenious, Horace. Was this your idea?" + +"Yes, aunt." + +"Clever boy. And have the other papers adopted it?" + +"Yes, aunt. All of them." + +"Then you are growing rich, Horace?" + +"No, no, aunt, not at all. Unfortunately I lack the business instinct. +Other people grow rich on my ideas. In fact, so far from being rich, I +was going to venture to ask you----" + +"Tell me more about the Thrillometer," said the old lady briskly. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT THE WRESTLING MATCH + +_Enthusiastic Old Gent._ "Go on, sonny! Stick 'old of 's 'ead."] + + * * * * * + +GOING TO THE BAD + + All the way from the National Gallery + Unto the Royal Academy + As I walked, I was guilty of raillery, + Which I felt was very bad o' me. + + Thinking of art's disasters, + Still sinking to deeper abysses, + I said, "From the Old Masters + Why go to the new misses?" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PREHISTORIC PEEPS + +A visit to an artist's studio.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _He._ "Awfully jolly concert, wasn't it? Awfully jolly +thing by that fellow--what's his name?--something like Doorknob." + +_She._ "_Doorknob!_ Whom _do_ you mean? I only know of Beethoven, +Mozart, Wagner, Handel----" + +_He._ "That's it! Handel. I knew it was something you caught hold of!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR ARTIST + +"If you please, sir, here's the printer's boy called again!" + +"Oh, bother! Say I'm busy."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS "'Tis hard to give the hand where +the heart can _never_ be!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS. "Only this"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Horse Dealer._ "Did that little mare I sold you do for +you, sir?" + +_Nervous Horseman._ "Nearly!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OPTICS."--_Lecturer._ "Now let anyone gaze steadfastly +on any object--say, for instance, his wife's eye--and he'll see himself +looking so exceedingly small, that----" + +_Strong-minded Lady_ (_in front row_). "Hear! Hear! Hear!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "AFTER THE FAIR." (_Country cousin comes up in August to +see the exhibition of pictures at the Royal Academy!_).--_Porter._ +"Bless yer 'art, we're closed!" + +_Country Cousin._ "Closed! What! didn't it pay?!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Jones._ "How is it we see you so seldom at the club +now?" + +_Old Member._ "Ah, well, you see, I'm not so young as I was; and I've +had a good deal of worry lately; and so, what with one thing and +another, I've grown rather fond of my own society." + +_Jones._ "Epicure!"] + + * * * * * + +THE TRUE INWARDNESS OF ART.--Photographs by the Roentgen rays. + + * * * * * + +MAN WHO HAS A TURN FOR MUSIC.--An organ-grinder. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PHONOGRAPH CANNOT LIE.--_German Dealer_ "Now, mein +Herr! You've chust heerd your lofely blaying rebroduced to berfection! +Won't you buy one?" + +_Amateur Flautist._ "Are you sure the thing's all right?" + +_German Dealer._ "Zertainly, mein Herr." + +_Amateur Flautist._ "Gad, then, if that's what my playing is like, I'm +done with the flute for ever."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRIVATE INQUIRY.--_Surveyor of Taxes_ (_to literary +gent_). "But surely you can arrive at some estimate of the amount +received by you during the past three years for example. Don't you keep +books?" + +_Literary Gent._ (_readily_). "Oh dear no. I write them!" + +_Surveyor._ "Ahem--I mean you've got some sort of accounts----" + +_Literary Gent._ "Oh yes, lots"--(_Surveyor brightens up_)--"unpaid!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "There's a boy wants to see you, sir." "Has he got a bill +in his hand?" "No, sir." "Then he's got it in his pocket! Send him +away!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH.--_He._ "By Jove, it's +the best thing I've ever painted!--and I'll tell you what; I've a good +mind to give it to Mary Morison for her wedding present!" + +_His Wifey._ "Oh, but, my love, the Morisons have always been _so_ +hospitable to us! You ought to give her a _real_ present, you know--a +fan, or a scent-bottle, or something of that sort!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TRIUMPH + +_Frame Maker_ (_in ecstasies_). "By Jove! Jemima--every one of 'em on +the line again!"] + + * * * * * + +HOW TO BE AN AUTHOR + +Mr. Punch, having read the latest book on the way to write for the +press, feels that there is at least one important subject not properly +explained therein: to wit, the covering letter. He therefore proceeds to +supplement this and similar books.... It is, however, when your story +is written that the difficulties begin. Having selected a suitable +editor, you send him your contribution accompanied by a covering letter. +The writing of this letter is the most important part of the whole +business. One story, after all, is very much like another (in your case, +probably, exactly like another), but you can at least in your covering +letter show that you are a person of originality. + +Your letter must be one of three kinds: pleading, peremptory, or +corruptive. I proceed to give examples of each. + +I.--THE PLEADING LETTER. + +199, _Berkeley Square, W._ + +DEAR MR. EDITOR,--I have a wife and seven starving children; can you +possibly help us by accepting this little story of only 18,000 +(eighteen thousand) words? Not only would you be doing a work of charity +to one who has suffered much, but you would also, I venture to say, be +conferring a real benefit upon English literature--as I have already +received the thanks of no fewer than thirty-three editors for having +allowed them to peruse this manuscript. + +Yours humbly, + +THE McHARDY. + +P.S.--My youngest boy, aged three, pointed to his little sister's Gazeka +toy last night and cried "De editor!" These are literally the first +words that have passed his lips for three days. Can you stand by and see +the children starve? + +II.--THE PEREMPTORY LETTER. + +SIR,--Kindly publish at once and oblige. + +Yours faithfully, + +EUGENE HACKENKICK. + +P.S.--I shall be round at your office to-morrow about an +advertisement for some 600 lb. bar-bells, and will look you up. + +III.--THE CORRUPTIVE LETTER. + +_Middlesex House, Park Lane, IV._ + + DEAR MR. SMITH,--Can you come and dine with us quite in a + _friendly_ way on Thursday at eight? I want to introduce you to the + Princess of Holdwig-Schlosstein and Mr. Alfred Austin, who are so + eager to meet you. Do you know I am really a little _frightened_ at + the thought of meeting such a famous editor? Isn't it _silly_ of + me? + +Yours very sincerely, + +EMMA MIDDLESEX. + + P.S.--I wonder if you could find room in your _splendid little + paper_ for a silly story I am sending you. It would be such a + surprise for the Duke's birthday (on Monday).--E. M. + +Before concluding the question of the covering letter I must mention the +sad case of my friend Halibut. Halibut had a series of lithographed +letters of all kinds, one of which he would enclose with every story he +sent out. On a certain occasion he wrote a problem story of the most +advanced kind; what, in fact, the reviewers call a "strong" story. In +sending this to the editor of a famous magazine his secretary +carelessly slipped in the wrong letter: + + "DEAR MR. EDITOR," it ran, "I am trying to rite you a littel story, + I do hope you will like my little storey, I want to tell you about + my kanary and my pussy cat, it's name is _Peggy_ and it has seven + kitens, have you any kitens, I will give you one if you print my + story, + +"Your loving little friend, + +"FLOSSIE." + + * * * * * + +PROVERB FOR THE COUNCIL OF THE ROYAL ACADEMY.--"Hanging goes by favour." + + * * * * * + +THE ENRAGED MUSICIAN.--(_A Duologue._) + +_Composer._ Did you stay late at Lady Tittup's? + +_Friend._ Yes. Heard Miss Bang play again. I was delighted with her +execution. + +_Composer._ Her execution! _That_ would have pleased _me_; she deserved +it for having brutally murdered a piece of mine. + [_Exeunt._ + + * * * * * + +THE GENTILITY OF SPEECH.--At the music halls visitors now call for +"another acrobat," when they want a second tumbler. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE WRITING ON THE WINDOW + +Portrait of a gentleman who proposes to say he was detained in town on +important business.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AWARDING THE BISCUIT + +_Dingy Bohemian._ "I want a bath Oliver." + +_Immaculate Servitor._ "My name is _not_ Oliver!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SENDING-IN" DAY.--Indigo Brown takes his picture, +entitled "Peace and Comfort," to the R.A. himself, as he says, "Those +picture carts are certain to scratch it," and, with the assistance of +his cabby, adds the finishing touches on his way there!] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN UNDOUBTED OLD MASTER + +(_By Himself_)] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LAYING IT ON WITH A PALETTE-KNIFE.--_Miss Sere._ "Ah, Mr. +Brown, if you could only paint me as I was ten years ago!" + +_Our Portrait Painter_ (_heroically_). "I am afraid children's portraits +are not in my line."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AFTER THE SIXTH REJECTION BY THE R.A.--_The Prodigal._ +"Well, dad, here I am, ready to go into the office to-morrow. I've given +up my studio and put all my sketches in the fire." + +_Fond Father._ "That's right, 'Arold. Good lad! Your 'art's in the right +place, after all!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Brown_ (_as Hamlet_) _to Jones_ (_as Charles the +Second_). "'Normous amount of _taste_ displayed here to-night!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN ART PATRON + +"I'll have it if you shorten the 'orizon, and make it quids instead of +guineas!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SHOW SUNDAY.--_Brown_ (_trying to find something to +admire in Smudge's painting_). "By Jove, old chap, those flowers are +beautifully put in!" + +_Smudge._ "Yes; my old friend--Thingummy--'R.A.' you know, painted them +in for me."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ENVY.--Scene--_Miss Semple and Dawber, standing near his +picture._ + +_Miss Semple._ "Why, there's a crowd in front of Madder's picture!" + +_Dawber._ "Someone fainted, I suppose!"] + + * * * * * + +AN ARTISTIC EPISODE + + ["Incapacity for work has come to be accepted as the hall-mark of + genius.... The collector wants only the thing that is rare, and + therefore the artist must make his work as rare as he can."--_Daily + Chronicle._] + +Josephine found me stretched full length in a hammock in the garden. + +"Why aren't you at work?" she asked; "not feeling seedy, I hope?" + +"Never better," said I. "But I've been making myself too cheap." + +"We couldn't possibly help going to the Joneses last night, dear." + +"Tush," said I. "I mean there is too much of me." + +"I don't quite understand," she said; "but there certainly will be if +you spend your mornings lolling in that hammock." + +The distortive wantonness of this remark left me cold. + +"I have made up my mind," I continued, quite seriously, "to do no more +work for a considerable time." + +"But, my dear boy, just think----" + +"I'm going to make myself scarce," I insisted. + +"Geoffrey!" she exclaimed, "I knew you weren't well!" + +I released myself. + +"Josephine," I said solemnly, "those estimable persons who collect my +pictures will think nothing of them if they become too common." + +"How do you know there are such persons?" she queried. + +"I must decline to answer that question," I replied; "but if there are +none it is because my work is not yet sufficiently rare and precious. I +propose to work no more--say, for six or seven years. By that time my +reputation will be made, and there will be the fiercest competition for +the smallest canvas I condescend to sign." + +She kissed me. + +"I came out for the housekeeping-money," she remarked simply. + +I went into the house to fetch the required sum, and, by some means I +cannot explain, got to work again upon the latest potboiler. + + * * * * * + +MUSIC READILY ACQUIRED.--Stealing a march. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE STORM FIEND + +SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SUCH IS FAME!--_Duchess_ (_with every wish to encourage +conversation, to gentleman just introduced_). "Your name is very +familiar to me indeed for the last ten years." + +_Minor Poet_ (_flattered_). "Indeed, Duchess! And may I ask what it was +that first attracted you?" + +_Duchess._ "Well, I was staying with Lady Waldershaw, and she had a most +indifferent cook, and whenever we found fault with any dish she always +quoted _you_, and said that _you_ liked it _so much_!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DOMESTIC BLISS.--_Wife of your Bussum._ "Oh! I don't want +to interrupt you, dear. I only want some money for baby's socks--and to +know whether you will have the mutton cold or hashed."] + + * * * * * + +IN A MINOR KEY.--_Hearty Friend_ (_meeting Operatic Composer_). Hallo, +old man, how are you? Haven't seen you for an age! What's your latest +composition? + +_Impecunious Musician_ (_gloomily_). With my creditors. [_Exeunt +severally._ + + * * * * * + +TO BE SUNG AT CONCERT PITCH.--"The Tar's Farewell." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SAFE.--_Guest_ (_after a jolly evening_). "Good night, +ol' fellah--I'll leave my boosh oushide 'door----" + +_Bohemian Host._ "Au' right, m' boy--(_hic_)--noborry'll toussh +'em--goo' light!!" [_Exeunt._] + + * * * * * + +CONSOLATIONS FOR THE UNHUNG + +Now that the painful month of suspense in Studioland is at an end, it +behoves us to apply our most soothing embrocation to the wounded +feelings of geniuses whose works have boomeranged their way back from +Burlington House. Let them remember: + +That very few people really look at the pictures in the Academy--they +only go to meet their friends, or to say they have been there. + +That those who _do_ examine the works of art are wont to disparage the +same by way of showing their superior smartness. + +That one picture has no chance of recognition with fourteen hundred +others shouting at it. + +That all the best pavement-artists now give "one-man" shows. They can +thus select their own "pitch," and are never ruthlessly skied. + +That photography in colours is coming, and then the R.A. will have to +go. + +That Rembrandt, Holbein, Rubens and Vandyck were never hung at the +summer exhibition. + +That Botticelli, Correggio and Titian managed to rub along without that +privilege. + +That the ten-guinea frame that was bought (or owed for) this spring will +do splendidly next year for another masterpiece. + +That the painter _must_ have specimens of his best work to decorate the +somewhat bare walls of his studio. + +That the best test of a picture is being able to live with it--or live +it down--so why send it away from its most lenient critic? + +That probably the _chef-d'oeuvre_ sent in was shown to the hanging +committee up-side down. + +That, supposing they saw it properly, they were afraid that its success +would put the Academy to the expense of having a railing placed in +front. + +And finally, we would remind the rejected one that, after all, his +bantling _has_ been exhibited in the R.A.--to the president and his +colleagues engaged in the work of selection. Somebody at least looked at +it for quite three seconds. + + * * * * * + +ART NOTE.--_The early Italian style._--An organ-grinder at five o'clock +in the morning. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR FLAT.--_Extract from Lady's Correspondence._ "----In +fact, our reception was a _complete_ success. We had some excellent +musicians. I daresay you will wonder where we put them, with such a +crowd of people; but we managed _capitally_!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SHOW SUNDAY.--_Vandyke Browne._ "Peace, my dear lady, +peace and refinement, those are the two essentials in an artist's +surroundings." [_Enter Master and Miss Browne. Tableau!_] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VARNISHING DAY AMENITIES.--_Little Smudge._ "Of course, I +know perfectly well my style isn't quite developed yet, but I feel I am, +if I might so express it, in a _transition_ stage, don't you know," +_Brother Brush_ ("_skied_" _this year_). "Ah! I see, _going from bad to +worse_!"] + + * * * * * + +THE MIGHTY PEN + +["With this little instrument that rests so lightly in the hand, whole +nations can be moved.... When it is poised between thumb and finger, it +becomes a living thing--it moves with the pulsations of the living heart +and thinking brain, and writes down, almost unconsciously, the thoughts +that live--the words that burn.... It would be difficult to find a +single newspaper or magazine to which we could turn for a lesson in pure +and elegant English."--_Miss Corelli in_ "_Free Opinions Freely +Expressed_."] + + O magic pen, what wonders lie + Within your little length! + Though small and paltry to the eye + You boast a giant's strength. + Between my finger and my thumb + A living creature you become, + And to the listening world you give + "The words that burn--the thoughts that live." + + Oft, when the sacred fire glows hot, + Your wizard power is proved: + You write till lunch, and nations not + Infrequently are moved; + 'Twixt lunch and tea perhaps you damn + For good and all, some social sham, + And by the time I pause to sup-- + Behold Carnegie crumpled up! + + Through your unconscious eyes I see + Strange beauty, little pen! + You make life exquisite to me, + If not to other men. + You fill me with an inward joy + No outward trouble can destroy, + Not even when I struggle through + Some foolish ignorant review; + + Nor when the press bad grammar scrawls + In wild uncultured haste, + And which intolerably galls + One's literary taste. + What are the editors about, + Whom one would think would edit out + The shocking English and the style + Which every page and line defile? + + There is, alas! no magazine, + No paper that one knows + To which a man could turn for clean + And graceful English prose; + Not even, O my pen, though you + Yourself may write for one or two, + And lend to them a style, a tone, + A grammar that is all your own. + + I see the shadows of decay + On all sides darkly loom; + Massage and manicure hold sway, + Cosmetics fairly boom; + Old dowagers and budding maids + Alike affect complexion-aids, + While middle age with anxious care + Dyes to restore its dwindling hair. + + The time is out of joint, but still + I am not hopeless quite + So long as you exist, my quill, + Once more to set it right. + Woman will cease from rouge, I think, + Man pour his hair-wash down the sink, + If you will yet consent to give + "The words that burn--the thoughts that live." + + * * * * * + +A HINT FOR THE PUBLISHERS. + +As the publishing season will soon be in full play--which means that +there will be plenty of work--we suggest the following as titles of +books, to succeed the publication of "People I have Met," by an +American:-- + +People I have taken into Custody, by a Policeman. + +People that have Met me Half-way, by an Insolvent. + +People I have Splashed, by a Scavenger. + +People I have Done, by a Jew Bill-discounter. + +People I have Abused, by a 'Bus Conductor. + +People I have Run Over, by a Butcher's Boy. + +People I have Run Against, by a Sweep. + + * * * * * + +A ROARING TRADE.--Keeping a menagerie. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: COMPLIMENTS ONE MIGHT IMPROVE ON.--_Mrs. Mudge._ "I _do_ +admire the women you draw, Mr. Penink. They're _so_ beautiful and _so_ +refined! Tell me, _who_ is your model?" [_Mrs. Mudge rises in Mrs. +Penink's opinion._] + +_Penink._ "Oh, my wife always sits for me!" + +_Mrs. Mudge_ (_with great surprise_). "You don't say so! Well, I think +you're one of the _cleverest_ men I know!" [_Mrs. Penink's opinion of +Mrs. Mudge falls below zero._] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER."--_George_ (_Itinerant +Punch-and-Judy Showman_). "I say, Bill, she _do_ draw!" + +_Bill_ (_his partner, with drum and box of puppets_). "H'm--it's more +than _we_ can!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SELECTION."--_Brown_ (_as he was leaving our Art +Conversazione, after a rattling scramble in the cloak-room_). "Confound +it! Got my own hat, after all!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Eccentric Old Gent_ (_whose pet aversion is a dirty +child_). "Go away, you dirty girl, and wash your face!" + +_Indignant Youngster._ "You go 'ome, you dirty old man, and do yer +'air!"] + + * * * * * + +MUSICAL FACT.--People are apt to complain of the vile tunes that are +played about the streets by grinding organs, and yet they may all be +said to be the music of Handle. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IS THERE ROOM FOR MARY THERE? + +SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Photographer._ "I think this is an excellent portrait of +your wife." + +_Mr. Smallweed._ "I don't know--sort of _repose_ about the _mouth_ that +somehow doesn't seem right."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GREAT PRIZE FIGHT.--_Johnnie_ (_who finds that his +box_, L_20_, _has been appropriated by "the Fancy"_). "I beg your +pardon, but this is _my_ box!" + +_Bill Bashford._ "Oh, is it? Well, why don't you tike it?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WITHOUT PREJUDICE.--_Ugly Man_ (_who thinks he's a +privileged wag, to artist_). "Now, Mr. _Daub_igny, draw me." + +_Artist_ (_who doesn't like being called _Daub_igny, and whose real name +is Smith_). "Certainly. But you _won't_ be offended if it's _like_ you. +Eh?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Scrimble._ "So sorry I've none of my work to show you. +Fact is, I've just sent all my pictures to the Academy." + +_Mrs. Macmillions._ "What a pity! I did so much want to see them. How +soon do you expect them back?"] + + * * * * * + +THE YOUNG NOVELIST'S GUIDE TO MEDICINE + +CHLOROFORM. Invaluable to writers of sensational stories. Every +high-class fictionary criminal carries a bottle in his pocket. A few +drops, spread on a handkerchief and waved within a yard of the hero's +nose, will produce a state of complete unconsciousness lasting for +several hours, within which time his pockets may be searched at leisure. +This property of chloroform, familiar to every expert novelist, seems to +have escaped the notice of the medical profession. + +CONSUMPTION. The regulation illness for use in tales of mawkish pathos. +Very popular some years ago, when the heroine made farewell speeches in +blank verse, and died to slow music. Fortunately, however, the public +has lost its fondness for work of this sort. Consumption at its last +stage is easily curable (in novels) by the reappearance of a hero +supposed to be dead. Two pages later the heroine will gain strength in a +way which her doctors--not unnaturally--will describe as "perfectly +marvellous." And in the next chapter the marriage-bells will ring. + +[Illustration] + +DOCTOR. Always include a doctor among your characters. He is quite easy +to manage, and invariably will belong to one of these three types: (_a_) +The eminent specialist. Tall, imperturbable, urbane. Only comes +incidentally into the story. (_b_) Young, bustling, energetic. Not much +practice, and plenty of time to look after other people's affairs. +Hard-headed and practical. Often the hero's college friend. Should be +given a pretty girl to marry in the last chapter. (_c_) The old family +doctor. Benevolent, genial, wise. Wears gold-rimmed spectacles, which he +has to take off and wipe at the pathetic parts of the book. + +FEVER. A nice, useful term for fictionary illnesses. It is best to avoid +mention of specific symptoms, beyond that of "a burning brow," though, +if there are any family secrets which need to be revealed, delirium is +sure to supervene at a later stage. _Arthur Pendennis_, for instance, +had fictional "fever," and baffled doctors have endeavoured ever since +to find out what really was the matter with him. "Brain-fever," again, +is unknown to the medical faculty, but you may safely afflict your +intellectual hero with it. The treatment of fictionary fever is quite +simple, consisting solely of frequent doses of grapes and cooling +drinks. These will be brought to the sufferer by the heroine, and these +simple remedies administered in this way have never been known to fail. + +[Illustration] + +FRACTURE. After one of your characters has come a cropper in the +hunting-field he will be taken on a hurdle to the nearest house: +usually, by a strange coincidence, the heroine's home. And he will be +said to have sustained "a compound fracture"--a vague description which +will quite satisfy your readers. + +GOUT. An invaluable disease to the humorist. Remember that heroes and +heroines are entirely immune from it, but every rich old uncle is bound +to suffer from it. The engagement of his niece to an impecunious young +gentleman invariably coincides with a sharp attack of gout. The humour +of it all is, perhaps, a little difficult to see, but it never fails to +tickle the public. + +[Illustration] + +HEART DISEASE. An excellent complaint for killing off a villain. If you +wish to pave the way for it artistically, this is the recognised method: +On page 100 he will falter in the middle of a sentence, grow pale, and +press his hand sharply to his side. In a moment he will have recovered, +and will assure his anxious friends that it is nothing. But the reader +knows better. He has met the same premonitory symptoms in scores of +novels, and he will not be in the least surprised when, on the middle of +page 250, the villain suddenly drops dead. + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +UNPOPULAR GAME AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY.--"High-sky-high!" + + * * * * * + +A ROUGH WINE.--Rude-sheimer. + + * * * * * + +NERVOUS.--Mrs. Malaprop was induced to go to a music hall the other +evening. She never means to set foot in one again. The extortions some +of the performers threw themselves into quite upset her. + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR A MODEL MUSIC-HALL ENTERTAINMENT.--"Everything in its 'turn' +and nothing long." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BREAKING IT GENTLY.--_His Cousins._ "We sent off the wire +to stop your model coming. But you had put one word too many--so we +struck it out." + +_Real Artist._ "Oh, indeed. What word did you strike out?" + +_His Cousins._ "You had written 'he wasn't to come, as you had only just +discovered you couldn't paint to-day.' So we crossed out '_to-day_.'"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE STATE OF THE MARKET.--_Artist_ (_to customer_, _who +has come to buy on behalf of a large furnishing firm in Tottenham Court +Road_): "How would this suit you? 'Summer'!" + +_Customer_: "H'm--'Summer.' Well, sir, the fact is we find there's very +little demand for _green_ goods just now. If you had a line of _autumn +tints_ now--that's the article we find most sale for among our +customers!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Our Amateur Romeo_ (_who has taken a cottage in the +country, so as to be able to study without interruption_). "Arise, fair +sun, and kill the envious moon----" + +_Owner of rubicund countenance_ (_popping head over the hedge_), "Beg +pardon, zur! Be you a talkin' to Oi, zur?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BITTERS AT THE CLUB + +_MacStodge_ (_Pictor ignotus_). "Who's that going out?" + +_O'Duffer_ (_Pictor ignotissimus_). "One Ernest Raphael Sopely, who +painted Lady Midas!" + +_MacStodge._ "Oh, the artist!" + +_O'Duffer._ "No. _The Royal Academician!_"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LA VIE DE BOHEME.--_First Bohemian_ (_to second ditto_). +"I can't for the life of me think why you wasted all that time haggling +with that tailor chap, and beating him down, when you know, old chap, +you won't be able to pay him at all." + +_Second Bohemian._ "Ah, that's _it_! _I_ have a conscience. I want the +poor chap to lose as little as possible!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Little Guttersnipe_ (_who is getting quite used to +posing_). "Will yer want me ter tike my bun down?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Genial Doctor_ (_after laughing heartily at a joke of +his patient's_). "Ha! ha! ha! There's not much the matter with _you_! +Though I do believe that if you were on your death-bed you'd make a +joke!" + +_Irrepressible Patient._ "Why, of course I should. It would be my last +chance!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _She_ (_to Raphael Greene_, _who paints gems for the R.A. +that are never accepted_). "I _do_ hope you'll be hung this year. I'm +sure you deserve to be!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ART INTELLIGENCE + +_She_ (_reads_). "There are upwards of fifty English painters and +sculptors now in Rome----" + +_He_ (_British Philistine--served on a late celebrated jury!_). "Ah! no +wonder we couldn't get that scullery white-washed!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Devoted little wife_ (_to hubbie, who has been late at +the club_). "Now, dear, see, your breakfast is quite ready. A nice +kipper, grilled chicken and mushrooms with bacon, poached eggs on +toast--tea and coffee. Anything else you'd like, dearie?" + +_Victim of last night_ (_groans_). "Yes--an appetite!" [_Collapses._] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AFTER FEEDING-TIME.--_Showman of Travelling Menagerie._ +"Now, ladies and gentlemen, we come to the most interesting part of the +'ole exhibition! Seven different species of hanimals, in the same cage, +dwellin' in 'armony. You could see them with the naked heye, only you +have come too late. They are all now inside the lion!"] + + * * * * * + +TO BILLIARD PLAYERS.--If you would obey the _rules_ of billiards, always +attend to the _cannons_ of the game. + + * * * * * + +THE SUSPENSORY ACT.--Hanging the Academy exhibition. + + * * * * * + +IN THE BILLIARD ROOM.--_Major Carambole._ I never give any bribes to the +club servants on principle. + +_Captain Hazard._ Then I suppose the marker looks on the tip of your cue +without interest. + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN A BAR, NEWMARKET.--_Seedy Individual_ (_to Knowing +One_). "D'yer want to buy a diamond pin cheap?" + +_Knowing One._ "'Ere, get out of this! What d'you take me for? A +juggins?" + +_S. I._ "Give yer my word it's worth sixty quid if it's worth a penny. +And you can 'ave it for a tenner." + +_K. O._ "Let's 'ave a look at it. Where is it?" + +_S. I._ "In that old gent's tie. _Will yer 'ave it?_"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS + + "Yew harxed me woy hoi larved when larve should be + A thing hun-der-eamed hof larve twixt yew han me. + Yew moight hin-tereat the sun tew cease tew she-oine + Has seek tew sty saw deep a larve has moine."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SHAKSPEARE ILLUSTRATED + +"Oh, my prophetic soul! My uncle!" + + _Hamlet_, Act I., Sc. 5.] + + * * * * * + +A BROTHER ARTIST + +["We have regularly attended the Academy now for many years, +but never do we remember such a poor show of portraits; +they cannot prove to be otherwise than the laughing-stock +of tailors and their customers."--_Tailor and Cutter._] + + The tailor leaned upon his goose, + And wiped away a tear: + "What portraits painting-men produce," + He sobbed, "from year to year! + These fellows make their sitters smile + In suits that do not fit, + They're wrongly buttoned, and the style + Is not the thing a bit. + + "Oh, artist, I'm an artist too! + I bid you use restraint, + And only show your sitters, do, + In fitting coats of paint; + In vain you crown those errant seams + With smiles that look ethereal, + For man may be the stuff of dreams-- + But dreams are not material." + + * * * * * + +MEDICAL.--A sculptor friend, who has strabismus, consoles himself with +the thought that he can always keep his profession in view through +having a cast in his eye. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Frame-maker_ (_to gifted amateur, who is ordering frames +for a few prints and sketches_). "Ah, I suppose you want something cheap +an' ordinary for _this_?" + +[_N.B._--_"This" was a cherished little sketch by our amateur himself._] + + * * * * * + +NOT QUITE THE SAME.--Scene: _Exhibition of Works of Art._ + +_Dealer_ (_to friend, indicating stout person closely examining a +Vandyke_). Do you know who _that_ is? I so often see him about. + +_Friend._ I know him. He's a collector. + +_Dealer_ (_much interested_). Indeed! What does he collect? Pictures? + +_Friend._ No. Income tax. + +[_Exeunt severally._ + + * * * * * + +ART CLASS.--_Inspector._ What is a "landscape painter"? + +_Student._ A painter of landscapes. + +_Inspector._ Good. What is an "animal painter"? + +_Student._ A painter of animals. + +_Inspector._ Excellent. What is a "marine painter"? + +_Student._ A painter of marines. + +_Inspector._ Admirable! Go and tell it them. Call next class. + +[_Exeunt students._ + + * * * * * + +THE BEST "PUBLISHER'S CIRCULAR."--A round dining-table. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOCIAL AGONIES.--_Anxious Musician_ (_in a whisper_, _to +Mrs. Lyon Hunter's butler_). "Where's my cello?" + +_Butler_ (_in stentorian tones_, _to the room_). "Signor Weresmicello!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Brown._ "Pity Jones has lost--his figure!" + +_Robinson._ "Not _lost_, but gone before!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Enthusiastic Briton_ (_to seedy American_, _who has been +running down all our national monuments_). "But even if our Houses of +Parliament 'aren't in it,' as you say, with the Masonic Temple of +Chicago, surely, sir, you will admit the Thames Embankment, for +instance----" + +_Seedy American._ "Waal, _guess_ I don't think so durned much of your +Thames Embankment, neither. It _rained_ all the blarmed time the night I +_slep on it_."] + + * * * * * + +A PROFESSIONAL VIEW OF THINGS.--Old Paynter never neglects any +opportunity for advancing art. Every evening he has the cloth drawn. + + * * * * * + +BEVERAGE FOR A MUSICIAN.--Thorough bass. + + * * * * * + +POETICAL LICENCE.--A music-hall's. + + * * * * * + +TURF REFORM.--Mowing your lawn. + + * * * * * + +A MONSTER MEETING..--A giant and a dwarf. + + * * * * * + +THE SOAKER'S PARADISE.--Dropmore. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FINIS] + + * * * * * + +BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch in Bohemia, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH IN BOHEMIA *** + +***** This file should be named 35874.txt or 35874.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/5/8/7/35874/ + +Produced by Neville Allen, David Edwards and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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