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diff --git a/35906.txt b/35906.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ee43bc4 --- /dev/null +++ b/35906.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11020 @@ +Project Gutenberg's The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers. Series 1, by Robert H. Newell + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers. Series 1 + +Author: Robert H. Newell + +Release Date: April 19, 2011 [EBook #35906] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS. *** + + + + +Produced by Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive) + + + + + + +THE ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS. + + +NEW YORK: +BLAKEMAN & MASON, +21 MURRAY STREET. +1862. + +Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1862, by BLAKEMAN & +MASON, In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United +States, for the Southern District of New York. + +ELECTROTYPED BY SMITH & MCDOUGAL, 82 & 84 Beekman Street. + +PRINTED BY C. S. WESTCOTT & CO., 79 John Street. + + + + +CONTENTS. + + + + PAGE + +LETTER I. + +SHOWING HOW OUR CORRESPONDENT CAME INTO THE WORLD: WITH SOME +PARTICULARS CONCERNING HIS EARLY CHILDHOOD 9 + +LETTER II. + +SHOWING HOW THE WRITER INCREASED IN YEARS AND INDISCRETION, AND +HOW HE WAS SAVED FROM MATRIMONY BY THE LAMENTABLE EXAMPLE OF +JED SMITH 14 + +LETTER III. + +OUR CORRESPONDENT BECOMES LITERARY, AND FATHOMS CERTAIN MYSTERIES +OF JOURNALISM. HE PRODUCES A DISTINCTIVE AMERICAN POEM, AND GAINS +THE USUAL REWARD OF YOUTHFUL GENIUS 22 + +LETTER IV. + +DESCRIBING THE SOUTH IN TWELVE LINES, DEFINING THE CITIZEN'S FIRST +DUTY, AND RECITING A PARODY 31 + +LETTER V. + +CONCERNING THE GREAT CROWD AT THE CAPITAL, OWING TO THE VAST +INFLUX OF TROOPS, AND TOUCHING UPON FIRE-ZOUAVE PECULIARITIES +AND OTHER MATTERS 37 + +LETTER VI. + +INTRODUCING THE MACKEREL BRIGADE, DILATING ON HAVELOCKS AS FIRST +MADE BY THE WOMEN OF AMERICA, ILLUSTRATING THE STRENGTH OF HABIT +AND WEAKNESS OF "SHODDY," AND SHOWING HOW OUR CORRESPONDENT +INDULGED IN A HUGE CANARD, AFTER THE MANNER OF AN ENLIGHTENED +DAILY PRESS 42 + +LETTER VII. + +RECORDING THE FIRST SANGUINARY EXPLOIT OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE, +AND ITS VICTORIOUS ISSUE 50 + +LETTER VIII. + +THE REJECTED "NATIONAL HYMNS" 54 + +LETTER IX. + +IN WHICH OUR CORRESPONDENT TEMPORARILY DIGRESSES FROM WAR MATTERS +TO ROMANTIC LITERATURE, AND INTRODUCES A WOMAN'S NOVEL 68 + +LETTER X. + +MAKING CONSERVATIVE MENTION OF THE BATTLE OF BULL RUN AND ITS +EVENTS. THE FIRE-ZOUAVE'S VERSION OF THE AFFAIR, AND SO ON 74 + +LETTER XI. + +GIVING AN EFFECT OF THE NEW BUGLE DRILL IN THE MACKEREL BRIGADE, +AND MAKING SOME NOTE OF THE LATEST IMPROVEMENTS IN ARTILLERY, +ETC. 82 + +LETTER XII. + +GIVING AN ABSTRACT OF A GREAT ORATOR'S FLAGGING SPEECH, AND +RECORDING A DEATHLESS EXPLOIT OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE 88 + +LETTER XIII. + +SUBMITTING VARIOUS RUMORS CONCERNING THE CONDITION OF THINGS AT +THE SOUTH, WITH A SKETCH OF A LIGHT SKELETON REGIMENT AND A NOTE +OF VILLIAM BROWN'S RECRUITING EXPLOIT 94 + +LETTER XIV. + +SHOWING HOW OUR CORRESPONDENT MADE A SPEECH OF VAGUE CONTINUITY, +AFTER THE MODEL OF THE LATEST APPROVED STUMP ORATORY 99 + +LETTER XV. + +WHEREIN WILL BE FOUND THE PARTICULARS OF A VISIT TO A SUSPECTED +NEWSPAPER OFFICE, AND SO ON 105 + +LETTER XVI. + +INTRODUCING THE GOTHIC STEED, PEGASUS, AND THE REMARKABLE GERMAN +CAVALRY FROM THE WEST 109 + +LETTER XVII. + +NOTING A NEW VICTORY OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE IN VIRGINIA, AND +ILLUSTRATING THE PECULIAR THEOLOGY OF VILLIAM BROWN; WITH SOME +MENTION OF THE SHARPSHOOTERS 114 + +LETTER XVIII. + +DESCRIBING THE TERRIBLE DEATH AND MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCE OF A +CONFEDERATE PICKET, WITH A TRIBUTE TO HIS MEMORY 120 + +LETTER XIX. + +NOTICING THE ARRIVAL OF A SOLID BOSTON MAN WITH AN UNPRECEDENTED +LITERARY PRIZE, AND SHOWING HOW VILLIAM BROWN WAS TRIUMPHANTLY +PROMOTED 124 + +LETTER XX. + +CONCERNING A SIGNIFICANT BRITISH OUTRAGE, AND THE CAPTURE OF MASON +AND SLIDELL 181 + +LETTER XXI. + +DESCRIBING CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN'S GREAT EXPEDITION TO ACCOMAC, +AND ITS MARVELLOUS SUCCESS 186 + +LETTER XXII. + +TREATING OF VILLIAM'S OCCUPATION OF ACCOMAC, AND HIS WISE DECISION +IN A CONTRABAND CASE 144 + +LETTER XXIII. + +CONCERNING BRITISH NEUTRALITY AND ITS COSMOPOLITAN EFFECTS, WITH +SOME ACCOUNT OF HOW CAPTAIN BOB SHORTY LOST HIS COMPANY 149 + +LETTER XXIV. + +NARRATING THE MACKEREL BRIGADE'S MANNER OF CELEBRATING CHRISTMAS, +AND NOTING A DEADLY AFFAIR OF HONOR BETWEEN TWO WELL-KNOWN +OFFICERS 158 + +LETTER XXV. + +PRESENTING THE CHAPLAIN'S NEW YEAR POEM, AND REPORTING THE +SINGULAR CONDUCT OF THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE ON +THE DAY HE CELEBRATED 164 + +LETTER XXVI. + +GIVING THE PARTICULARS OF A FALSE ALARM, AND A BIOGRAPHICAL +SKETCH OF THE OFFICER COMMANDING 173 + +LETTER XXVII. + +TOUCHING INCIDENTALLY UPON THE CHARACTER OF ARMY FOOD, AND +CELEBRATING THE GREAT DIPLOMATIC EXPLOIT OF CAPTAIN VILLIAM +BROWN AT ACCOMAC 177 + +LETTER XXVIII. + +CONCERNING THE CONTINUED INACTIVITY OF THE POTOMAC ARMY, AND +SHOWING HOW IT WAS POETICALLY CONSTRUED BY A THOUGHTFUL RADICAL 184 + +LETTER XXIX. + +INTRODUCING A VERITABLE "MUDSILL," ILLUSTRATING YANKEE BUSINESS +TACT, NOTING THE DETENTION OF A NEWSPAPER CHARTOGRAPHIST, +AND SO ON 190 + +LETTER XXX. + +DESCRIPTION OF THE GORGEOUS FETE AT THE WHITE HOUSE, INCLUDING +THE OBSERVATIONS OF CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN: WITH SOME NOTES OF +THE TOILETTES, CONFECTIONS, AND PUNCH 196 + +LETTER XXXI. + +TREATING OF THE GREAT MILITARY ANACONDA, AND THE MODERN XANTIPPE 203 + +LETTER XXXII. + +COMMENCING WITH A BURST OF EXULTATION OVER NATIONAL VICTORIES, +REFERRING TO A SENATORIAL MISTAKE, DEPICTING A WELL-KNOWN CHARACTER, +AND REPORTING THE RECONNOISSANCE OF THE WESTERN CENTAURS 209 + +LETTER XXXIII. + +EXEMPLIFYING THE TERRIBLE DOMESTIC EFFECTS OF MILITARY INACTIVITY +ON THE POTOMAC, AND DESCRIBING THE METAPHYSICAL CAPTURE OF +FORT MUGGINS 219 + +LETTER XXXIV. + +BEGINNING WITH A LAMENTATION, BUT CHANGING MATERIALLY IN TONE AT +THE DICTUM OF JED SMITH 228 + +LETTER XXXV. + +GIVING PRACTICAL ILLUSTRATION OF MODERN PATRIOTISM, AND CELEBRATING +THE ADVANCE OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE TO MANASSAS, ETC. 239 + +LETTER XXXVI. + +CONCERNING THE WEAKNESSES OF GREAT MEN, THE CURIOUS MISTAKE OF A +FRATERNAL MACKEREL, AND THE REMARKABLE ALLITERATIVE PERFORMANCE +OF CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN 248 + +LETTER XXXVII. + +DESCRIBING THE REMARKABLE STRATEGICAL MOVEMENT OF THE CONIC +SECTION, UNDER CAPTAIN BOB SHORTY 254 + +LETTER XXXVIII. + +INTRODUCING THE VERITABLE "HYMN OF THE CONTRABANDS," WITH +EMANCIPATION MUSIC, AND DESCRIBING THE TERRIFIC COMBAT A LA +MAIN BETWEEN CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN, OF THE UNITED STATES OF +AMERICA, AND CAPTAIN MUNCHAUSEN, OF THE SOUTHERN CONFEDERACY 260 + +LETTER XXXIX. + +SHOWING HOW A REBEL WAS REDUCED, AND CONVERTED TO "RECONSTRUCTION," +BY THE VALOROUS ORANGE COUNTY HOWITZERS 270 + +LETTER XL. + +RENDERING TRIBUTE OF ADMIRATION TO THE WOMEN OF AMERICA, WITH A +REMINISCENCE OF HOBBS & DOBBS, ETC. 276 + +LETTER XLI. + +CITING A NOTABLE CASE OF VOLUNTEER SURGERY, AND GIVING AN OUTLINE +SKETCH OF "COTTON SEMINARY" 288 + +LETTER XLII. + +REVEALING A NEW BLOCKADING IDEA, INTRODUCING A GEOMETRICAL STEED, +AND NARRATING THE WONDERFUL EXPLOITS OF THE MACKEREL SHARPSHOOTER +AT YORKTOWN 289 + +LETTER XLIII. + +CONCERNING MARTIAL LITERATURE; INTRODUCING A DIDACTIC POEM BY +THE "ARKANSAW TRACT SOCIETY," AND A BIOGRAPHY OF GARIBALDI +FOR THE SOLDIER 294 + +LETTER XLIV. + +SHOWING HOW THE GREAT BATTLE OF PARIS WAS FOUGHT AND WON BY THE +MACKEREL BRIGADE, AIDED AND ABETTED BY THE IRON-PLATED FLEET +OF COMMODORE HEAD 306 + +LETTER XLV. + +EXEMPLIFYING THE INCONSISTENCY OF THE CONSERVATIVE ELEMENT, AND +SETTING FORTH THE MEASURES ADOPTED BY CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN IN +HIS MILITARY GOVERNMENT OF PARIS 314 + +LETTER XLVI. + +WHEREIN IS SHOWN HOW THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE +FOLLOWED AN ILLUSTRIOUS EXAMPLE, AND VETOED A PROCLAMATION. +ALSO RECORDING A MILITARY EXPERIMENT WITH RELIABLE CONTRABANDS 322 + +LETTER XLVII. + +INTRODUCING A POEM BASED UPON AN IDEA THAT IS IN VIOLET--A POEM +FOR WHICH ONE OF THE WOMEN OF AMERICA IS SOLELY RESPONSIBLE 329 + +LETTER XLVIII. + +TREATING CHIEFLY OF A TERRIBLE PANIC WHICH BROKE OUT IN PARIS, +BUT SUBSEQUENTLY PROVED TO BE ONLY A NATURAL EFFECT OF STRATEGY 333 + +LETTER XLIX. + +NOTING THE ARCHITECTURAL EFFECTS OF THE GOTHIC STEED, PEGASUS, +AND DESCRIBING THE MACKEREL BRIGADE'S SANGUINARY ENGAGEMENT WITH +THE RICHMOND REBELS 340 + +LETTER L. + +REMARKING UPON A PECULIARITY OF VIRGINIA, AND DESCRIBING COMMODORE +HEAD'S GREAT NAVAL EXPLOIT ON DUCK LAKE, ETC. 351 + +LETTER LI. + +GIVING DUE PROMINENCE ONCE MORE TO THE CONSERVATIVE ELEMENT, NOTING +A CAT-AND-DOG AFFAIR, AND REPORTING CAPTAIN BOB SHORTY'S FORAGING +EXPEDITION 361 + +LETTER LII. + +DESCRIBING AMONG OTHER THINGS, A SPECIALITY OF CONGRESS, A VENERABLE +POPULAR IDOL, AND THE DIFFICULTIES EXPERIENCED BY CAPTAIN SAMYULE +SA-MITH IN DYING 374 + + + + +LETTER I. + +SHOWING HOW OUR CORRESPONDENT CAME INTO THE WORLD: WITH SOME +PARTICULARS CONCERNING HIS EARLY CHILDHOOD. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., March 20th, 1861. + +Judge not by appearances, my boy; for appearances are very deceptive, +as the old lady cholerically remarked when one, who was really a virgin +on to forty, blushingly informed her that she was "just twenty-five +this month." + +Though you find me in Washington now, I was born of respectable +parents, and gave every indication, in my satchel and apron days, of +coming to something better than this,--much better, my boy. + +Slightly northward of the Connecticut river, where a pleasant little +conservative village mediates between two opposition hills, you may +behold the landscape on which my infantile New England eyes first +traced the courses of future railroads. + +Near the centre of this village in the valley, my boy, and a little +back from its principal road, stood the residence of my worthy +sire--and a very pretty residence it was. From the frequent addition of +a new upper-room here, a new dormer window there, and an innovating +skylight elsewhere, the roof of the mansion had gradually assumed an +Alpine variety of juts and peaks somewhat confusing to behold. Local +tradition related that, on a certain showery occasion, a streak of +lightning was seen to descend upon that roof, skip vaguely about from +one peak to another, and finally slink ignominiously down the +water-pipe, as though utterly disgusted with its own inability to +determine, where there are so many, which peak it should particularly +perforate. + +Years afterwards, my boy, this strange tale was told me by a venerable +chap of the village, and I might have believed it, had he not outraged +the probability of the meteorological narrative with a sequel. + +"And when that streak came down the pipe," says the aged chap, +thoughtfully, "it struck a man who was leaning against the house, ran +down to his feet, and went into the ground without hurting him a mite!" + +With the natural ingenuousness of childhood I closed one eye, my boy, +and says I: + +"Do you mean to tell me, old man, that he was struck by lightning, and +yet wasn't hurt?" + +"Yes," says the venerable chap, abstractedly cutting a small log from +the door-frame of the grocery store with his jack-knife; "the streak +passed off from him, because he was a conductor." + +"A conductor?" says I, picking up another stone to throw at the same +dog. + +"Yes," says the chap confidentially, "he was a conductor--on a +railroad." + +The human mind, my boy, when long affected by country air, tends +naturally to the marvellous, and affiliates with the German in normal +transcendentalism. + +Such was the house in which I came to life a certain number of years +ago, entering the world, like a human exclamation point, between two of +the angriest sentences of a September storm, and adding materially to +the uproar prevailing at the time. + +Next to my parents, of whom I shall say little at present, the person I +can best remember, as I look back, was our family physician. A very +obese man was he, my boy, with certain sweet-oiliness of manner, and +never out of patients. I think I can see him still, as he arose from +his chair after a profound study of the case before him, and wrote a +prescription so circumlocutory in its effect, that it sent a servant +half a mile to his friend, the druggist, for articles she might have +found in her own kitchen, _aqua pumpaginis_ and sugar being the sole +ingredients required. + +The doctor had started business in our village as a veterinary surgeon, +my boy; but, as the entire extent of his practice for six months in +that line was a call to mend one of Colt's revolvers, he finally turned +his attention to the ailings of his fellows, and wrought many cures +with sugar and water Latinized. + +At first, my father did not patronize the new doctor, having very +little faith in the efficacy of sugar and water without the addition of +a certain other composite often seen in bottles; but the doctor's neat +speech at a Sunday school festival won his heart at last. The festival +was held near a series of small waterfalls just out of the village, my +boy, and the doctor, who was an invited guest, was called upon for a +few appropriate remarks. In compliance with the demand he made a speech +of some compass, ending with a peroration that is still quoted in my +native place. He pointed impressively to the waterfalls, and says he: + +"All the works of nature is somewhat beautiful, with a good moral. Even +them cataracts," says he, sagely, "have a moral, and seem eternally +whispering to the young, that 'Those what err falls'." + +The effect of this happy illustration was very pleasing, my boy; +especially with those who prefer morality to grammar; and after that, +the physician had the run of all the pious families--our own included. + +It was a handsome compliment this worthy man paid me when I was about +six months old. + +Having just received from my father the amount of his last bill, he was +complacent to the last degree, and felt inclined to do the handsome +thing. He patted my head as I sat upon my mother's lap, and says he: + +"How beautiful is babes! So small, and yet so much like human beings, +only not so large. This boy," says he, fatly, looking down at me, "will +make a noise in the world yet. He has a long head, a very long head." + +"Do you think so?" says my father. + +"Indeed I do," says the doctor. "The little fellow," says he, in a +sudden fit of abstraction, "has a long head, a very long head--and it's +as thick as it is long." + +There was some coolness between the doctor and my father after that, my +boy: and, on the following Sunday, my mother refused to look at his +wife's new bonnet in church. + +I might cover many pages with further account of childhood's sunny +hours; but enough has been given already to establish the +respectability of my birth, despite my present location; and there I +let the matter rest, my boy, for the time being. + +Yours, retrospectively, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER II. + +SHOWING HOW THE WRITER INCREASED IN YEARS AND INDISCRETION, AND HOW HE +WAS SAVED FROM MATRIMONY BY THE LAMENTABLE EXAMPLE OF JED SMITH. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., March 25th, 1861. + +To continue from where I left off, my boy: between the interesting ages +of ten and eighteen I went to school at the village academy, working +through the English branches and the Accidence, with a lively sense of +a preponderance of birch in the former, and occasional class-sickness +in the latter. + +Those were my happiest days, my boy; and as I look back to them now, +for a moment all my flippancy leaves me, and I forget that I am an +American and a politician. Those dear old days! those short, unreal +days! Only long in being long past. + +It was just after the eternal _"Bonus--Bona--Bonum"_ of the master had +ceased to ring in my ears, that I commenced to be a young man. I knew +that I was becoming a young man, my boy; for it was then that I began +to regard the unmarried women of America with sheepish bashfulness, and +stumbled awkwardly as I entered my father's pew in church. Then it was +that the sound of a young female giggle threw me into a cold +perspiration, and a looking-glass deluded me into gesticulating in +solitude before it, and extemporizing the speeches I was to make when +called upon to justify the report of fame by admiring populaces. + +Do you remember the asinine time in your own life, my boy,--do you +remember it? I know that you do, my boy, for I can feel your blush on +my own cheeks. + +Of the few women of America who looked upon me with favor, there was +one--Ellen--whom I really loved, I think; for of all the girls, the +mention of her name, alone, gave me that peculiar feeling in which +instinctive impulse blends undefinably and perpetually with a sense of +reverent respect; or, rather, with a sense of some unworthiness of +self. Ellen died before I had known her a year. I thought afterwards, +like any other youngster, that I loved half-a-dozen different girls; +but, even in maturer years, second love is a poor imitation. Say what +you will about second love, my boy, in the breast of him truly a man, +it is but an _imperium in imperio_--a flower on the grave of the first. + +There was one young woman of America in our village, my boy, about whom +the chaps teased me not a little; and I might, perhaps, have been +teased into matrimony, like many another unfortunate, but for the +example of a Salsbury chap I met one night in one of the village +stores. He was a Yankee chap with much southwestern experience, my boy, +and when he heard the lads teasing me about a woman, he hoisted his +heels upon the counter, and says he: + +"Anybody'd think that creation was born with a frock on, to hear the +way you younkers talk woman. Darn the she-critters!" says he, shutting +his jack-knife with a clash. "I'd rayther be as lonesome as a borryed +pup, than see a piece of caliker as big as a pancake. What's wimmen but +a tarnation bundle of gammon and petticoats. Powerful! Be you married +folks, stranger?" + +"Not yet," says I. + +"Don't never be then," says he. "My name's Smith--one of the Smithses +down to Salsbury, that's guaranteed to put away as much provender and +carry as big a turkey as ever set on critters down in that deestrict. +And whilst my name's Smith, there'll never be a younker to call me +'daddy,' ef a gal was to have Jerusalem tantrums after me. You'rn a +stranger, and ain't married folks; but I don't mind tellin' ye about a +golfired rumpus I got into down in Salsbury when I took to a gal that +stuck out all around like a hay-stack, an' was a screamer at +choir-meetin' and such like. Her name was Sal Green--one of the +Greenses down in Pegtown--and the first time I took a notion to her was +down to the old shingle meetin'-house, when Sam Spooner had a buryin'. +When the parson gets out a hymn, she straightened up like a rooster at +six o'clock of daybreak, and let out a string of screams that set all +the babies to yelping as though big pins was goin' clean through their +insides. Geewhillikins! how the critter did squawk and squeal, and turn +up her eyes like a sick duck in a shower. I was jest fool enough to +think it pooty; and when my old man says, says he, 'Jed, you're took +all of a heap with that pooty creeter,' I felt as ef chills an' fever +was givin' me partikiler agony. Says I, 'She's an armful fur the +printze of Wales, and ef that Bob Tompkins don't stop makin' eyes at +her over there, I'll give him sech a lacing that he won't comb his hair +for six weeks.' + +"The old man put a chaw into his meat-safe, and shut one eye; and, sez +he: 'Jed, you're a fool ef you don't hook that gal's dress fur her +before next harvestin'. She's a mighty scrumptious creetur, and just +about ripe for the altar. Jest tell her there's more Smithses wanted +an' she'll leave the Greenses 'thout a snicker.' I rayther liked the +idee: but I told the old man that his punkin-pie was all squash; +because it wouldn't do to let on too soon. When the folks was startin' +from the church, I went up to Sal, and sez I, 'Miss, I s'pose you +wouldn't mind lettin' me see you tu hum.' She blushed like a biled +lobster, and sez she: 'I don't know your folks.' I felt sorter +streaked; but I gev my collar a hitch, and sez I: 'I'm Mister Smith: +one of the Smithses of this deestrict, an' always willin' for a female +in distress.' Then she made a curtesy, an' was goin' to say somethin', +when Bob Tompkins steps up, and sez he: 'There's a-goin' to be another +buryin' in this settlement, ef some folks don't mind their own chores, +an' quit foolin' with other folkses company!' This riled me rite up, +and sez I: 'There's a feller in this deestrict that hain't had a spell +of layin' on his back for some time: but he's in immediate danger of +ketchin' the disease bad.' Bob took a squint at the width of my chist, +and then he turned to Sal, who was shakin' like a cabbage leaf in a +summer gale, and sez he: 'Sal, let's marvel out of bad company before +it spiles our morials.' With that he crooked one of his smashin' +machines, and Sal was jest hookin' on, when I put the weight of about +one hundred pounds under his ear, an' sez I: 'Jest lay there, Bob +Tompkins, until your parients comes out to look fur your body.' He went +down as ef he'd been took with a suddint desire to examine the roots of +the grass, and Sal screamed out that I'd murdered the rantankerous +critter. Sez I: 'The tombstun that's fur his head ain't cut yet: but I +calkilate it'll be took out of the quarry ef he comes smellin' around +my heels ag'in.' Jest as I made this feelin' remark, the varmint began +to scratch earth as ef he had a mind to see how it would feel to be on +his pins ag'in, and I crooked my elbow to Sal and thought it was about +time to marvel. She layed up to me like a pig to a rough post, and we +peregrinated along for some distance until we were pretty nigh hum. I +was askin' her ef it hurt her much when she sung, an' she was sayin' +'not partikeler,' when all of a suddint somethin' knocked +Fourth-o'-July fireworks out of my eyes, and I went to grass with my +heels up. It was Bob Tompkins, and sez he: 'Lay there, Mr. Smith, and +let us here from you by the next mail.' For a minute, I thought I was +bound for glory, but pooty soon I come to my oats, and then I rolled +over and seen Bob a-squeezing Sal's hand. All right, my prooshian blue, +thinks I, there'll be a 'pothecary's bill for some family in this here +deestrict: but I won't say who's to pay it at present. I jest waited to +see the feller try to put his nose into Sal's face, and then I +stretched to my feet, and sez I: 'This here pasture wants a little +mashin' down to make it fruitful, and it's my impreshun that I can do +it.' Sal see that I was bound to make somebody smell agony, so she jist +ripped away from Bob, and marveled for the house, screaming 'fire,' +like a scrumptious fire-department. Bob looked after her for a minit, +and then he turned to me, and sez he: 'I hope your folks have got some +crape to hum; because there's goin' to be a job fur our wirtuous +sexton.' I kinder smiled outer one eye, and sez I: 'When Sal and I is +married, we'll drop a tear fur the early decease of an individual who +never would hev been born if it hadn't been for your parients.' This +riled Bob up awful, and he came right at me, like a mad bull at a red +shawl. I felt somethin' drop on the bridge of my nose, and see a hull +nest of sky rockets all at onct; but I only keeled for the shake of a +tail, and then I piled in like a mad buffalo with the cholic. It was +give and take for about five minutes; and, I tell you, Bob played away +on my nose like a Trojan. The blood flu some, and I was sorry I hadn't +said good-bye to the folks before I left them; but I gave Bob some +happy evidences of youthful Christianity around his goggles, and pooty +soon he looked as ef he'd been brought up to the charcoal business. We +was makin' pooty good time round the lot, when, all of a suddint, Sal +came running up with her father and mother; and, sez the old feller: +'Ef you two members of the church don't stop your religious exercises, +there'll be some preachin' from the book of John.' + +"With that, Bob took his paw out of my hair, and sez he: 'Smithses son +hit me the first whack.' I jest promenaded up to the old man, and sez +I: 'If you'll jest show me a good buryin'-place, I'll take pleasure in +makin' a funeral for the Tompkinses.' The old man looked kinder +queerious at Sally, and she commenced to snicker; and sez she: 'What +are you two fellers rumpussin' about?' I looked lovin' at her, and sez +I: 'It's to see who shall hev the pootiest gal of all the Greenses.' +When I said this, the old man bust into a larf like a wild hyenner; and +the old woman, she put her hands across her stummik and begin to larf +like mad, and Sal she snickered right eout in my countenance, and sez +she: 'Why, I'm engaged to Sam Slocum!' + +"Strannger, there's no use of talkin'. My hair riz right up like a +blackin'-brush, and Bob's eyes came out like peas out of a yaller pod. +There was speechless silence for two minits, and then says Bob: +'There's a couple of golfired fools somewheres in this country, and +it's a pity their dads ever seen their mothers.' I see he felt powerful +mean, so I walked up to him, and sez I: 'Suppose we go and look for the +New Jerusalem?' He jest hooked to my elbow, and without sayin' another +word, we marveled for hum. + +"Sence that, I hain't held no communion with petticoats, and ef I ever +get married, you shall hev an invite to the funeral." + +As I went home that night, my boy, after hearing the story of that +rude, unlettered man, I made up my mind to have nothing more to do with +the uncertain women of America, until my position should be such that +they would not dare to "fool" me. The women of America, my boy, are +equally apt at making a fool of a man in his own estimation, and a man +of a fool in _their_ own. + +Yours, for celibacy, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER III. + +OUR CORRESPONDENT BECOMES LITERARY, AND FATHOMS CERTAIN MYSTERIES OF +JOURNALISM. HE PRODUCES A DISTINCTIVE AMERICAN POEM, AND GAINS THE +USUAL REWARD OF YOUTHFUL GENIUS. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., March 31st, 1861. + +As far I can trace back, my boy, we never had a literary character in +our family, save a venerable aunt of mine, on my mother's side, who +commenced her writing career by refusing to contribute to the Sunday +papers, and subsequently won much fame as the authoress of a set of +copy-books. When this gifted relative found herself acquiring a +reputation, she came in state to visit us, and so disgusted my very +practical father by wearing slip-shod gaiters, inking her right hand +thumb nail every morning, calling all things by European names, and +insisting upon giving our oldest plough horse the romantic and literary +title of "Lord Byron," that my exasperated parent incurred a most +tremendous prejudice against authorship, my boy, and vowed, when she +went away, that he never would invite her presence again. + +I was only twenty years old at that time, and the novelty of my aunt's +conduct had rather an infatuating effect upon me. With that perversity +often observable in youngsters before they have seen much of the world, +I became deeply interested in my literary relative as soon as my father +commenced to speak contemptuously of her pursuits, and it took very +little time to invest me with a longing and determination to be a +writer. + +Thenceforth I wore negligent linen; frequently rested my head upon the +forefinger of my right hand, with a lofty and abstracted air; assumed +an expression of settled and mysterious gloom when at church, and +suffered my hair to grow long and uncombed. + +Speaking of the masculine literary habit of wearing the hair in this +way, my boy, I find myself impressed with a profound metaphysical idea. +You have probably noticed that writers following this fashion will +frequently scratch their heads when inspiration plays the laggard. It +is also true that wearers of long and uncombed hair who are _not_ +writers, will scratch their heads in the same way, occasionally. The +action being the same in both cases, can it be that physiological +inspection would develope an affinity between the natural causes +thereof? + +I have often thought of this, my boy,--I've often thought of this. + +My bearing during this period of infatuation could hardly fail to +attract considerable attention in our village, and there were two +opinions about me. One was that I had been jilted; the other, that I +was about to become a vagabond and an actor. My father inclined to the +former, and left me, as he thought, to get over my disappointment in +the natural way. + +My peripatetic spell had lasted about six weeks, my boy, when I formed +the acquaintance of the editor of the _Lily of the Valley_, who +permitted me to mope in his office now and then, and soothed my +literary inflammation by permitting me to write "puffs" for the village +milliner. + +Oh! the fierce and tremendous ecstasy of that moment when I first saw +my own words in print, with not more than six typographical errors in +each line:--"QUEBN VICTORIA, it is said, is comind to this coontry for +the xpress purpose of obtoining one of these beautiful spring bunnets +at Madame Smith's." + +I noticed as I went home on the day of publication, that all whom I +passed paused to look after me. I was already famous. The discovery, on +reaching our house, that one of my temples was somewhat fingered with +printers' ink, did not shake me in this belief, my boy; I was too far +gone for that. + +The editor of the _Lily_ treated me considerately, and even asked me at +times to accompany him to the place where he daily sipped inspiration, +gaining thereby a fresh flow of ideas and the qualified immortality of +certain additional chalk-marks on the back of a door. I refer to a +spirituous establishment. + +Finding that the editorial treasury did not redeem its verbal +promissory notes, my boy, the proprietor of this establishment suddenly +put forth a new sign, conspicuously reading:-- + + TIMOTHY TROT, + + LICENSED LIQUOR DEALER, + AND + ASSOCIATE EDITOR OF THE "LILY OF THE VALLEY." + +The editor went to him, and says he: + +"What do you mean by this impertinence, Timothy?" + +The liquor chap stuck his hands into his pockets, my boy, and says he: + +"If I furnish inspiration for nothing, I may as well have some literary +credit. The village swallows what you furnish," says the chap, +reasoningly, "and you swallow what I furnish, and so I'm the head +editor after all." + +But he took down the sign, my boy, when the editor dissolved the +partnership by paying his score. + +What are called Spirited Editorials in the New York papers, my boy, +very often involve two swallows as well as a spread-eagle. + +While looking over some old magazines in the _Lily_ office one day, I +found in an ancient British periodical a raking article upon American +literature, wherein the critic affirmed that all our writers were but +weak imitators of English authors, and that such a thing even as a +Distinctively American Poem _sui generis_, had not yet been produced. + +This radical sneer at the United States of America fired my Yankee +blood, my boy, and I vowed within myself to write a poem, not only +distinctively American, but of such a character that only America could +have produced it. In the solitude of my room, that night, I wooed the +aboriginal muse, and two days thereafter the _Lily of the Valley_ +contained my distinctive American poem of + + THE AMERICAN TRAVELER. + + To Lake Aghmoogenegamook, + All in the State of Maine, + A man from Wittequergaugaum came + One evening in the rain. + + "I am a traveler," said he, + "Just started on a tour, + And go to Nomjamskillicook + To-morrow morn at four." + + He took a tavern bed that night, + And with the morrow's sun, + By way of Sekledobskus went, + With carpet-bag and gun. + + A week passed on; and next we find + Our native tourist come + To that sequestered village called + Genasagarnagum. + + From thence he went to Absequoit, + And there--quite tired of Maine-- + He sought the mountains of Vermont, + Upon a railroad train. + + Dog Hollow, in the Green Mount State, + Was his first stopping-place, + And then Skunk's Misery displayed + Its sweetness and its grace. + + By easy stages then he went + To visit Devil's Den; + And Scrabble Hollow, by the way, + Did come within his ken. + + Then, _via_ Nine Holes and Goose Green, + He traveled through the State, + And to Virginia, finally, + Was guided by his fate. + + Within the Old Dominion's bounds, + He wandered up and down, + To-day, at Buzzard Roost ensconced, + To-morrow, at Hell Town. + + At Pole Cat, too, he spent a week, + Till friends from Bull Ring came, + And made him spend a day with them + In hunting forest game. + + Then, with his carpet-bag in hand, + To Dog Town next he went; + Though stopping at Free Negro Town, + Where half a day he spent. + + From thence, into Negationburg + His route of travel lay, + Which having gained, he left the State + And took a southward way. + + North Carolina's friendly soil + He trod at fall of night, + And, on a bed of softest down, + He slept at Hell's Delight. + + Morn found him on the road again, + To Lousy Level bound; + At Bull's Tail, and Lick Lizzard, too, + Good provender he found. + + The country all about Pinch Gut + So beautiful did seem, + That the beholder thought it like + A picture in a dream. + + But the plantations near Burnt Coat + Were even finer still, + And made the wond'ring tourist feel + A soft, delicious thrill. + + At Tear Shirt too, the scenery + Most charming did appear, + With Snatch It in the distance far, + And Purgatory near. + + But spite of all these pleasant scenes, + The tourist stoutly swore, + That home is brightest, after all, + And travel is a bore. + + So back he went to Maine, straightway, + A little wife he took; + And now is making nutmegs at + Moosehicmagunticook. + +In his note, introductory of this poem, my boy, the editor of the +_Lily_ affirmed (which is strictly true) that I had named none but +veritable localities; and ventured the belief that the composition +would remind his readers of Goldsmith. Upon which his scorpion +contemporary in the next village observed, that there was rather more +smith than gold about the poem. Genius, my boy, is never appreciated +until its possessor is dead; and even the useless praise it then +obtains is chiefly due to the pleasure that is experienced in burying +the poor wretch. + +Up to the time when this poem appeared in print, I had succeeded in +concealing from my father the nature of my incidental occupation; but +now he must know all. + +He did know all, my boy; and the result was, that he gave me ten +dollars, and sent me to New York to look out for myself. + +"It's the only thing that will save him," says he to my mother, "and I +must either send him off, or expect to see him sink by degrees to +editorship, and commence to wear disgraceful clothes." + +I went to New York; I became private secretary and speech-scribe to an +unscrupulous and, therefore, rising politician; and now--I am in +Washington. + +Thus, my boy, have I answered your desire for an outline of my personal +history; and henceforth let me devote my attention to other and more +important inhabitants of our distracted country. I had a certain +postmastership in my eye when I first came hither; but war's alarms +indicate that I may do better as an amateur hero. + +Yours inconoclastically, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER IV. + +DESCRIBING THE SOUTH IN TWELVE LINES, DEFINING THE CITIZEN'S FIRST +DUTY, AND RECITING A PARODY. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., April --, 1861. + +The chivalrous South, my boy, has taken Fort Sumter, and only wants to +be "let alone." Some things of a Southern sort I like, my boy; +Southdown mutton is fit for the gods, and Southside particular is +liquid sunshine for the heart; but the whole country was growing tired +of new South wails before this, and my present comprehensive estimate +of all there is of Dixie may be summed up in twelve straight lines, +under the general heading of + + REPUDIATION. + + 'Neath a ragged palmetto a Southerner sat, + A-twisting the band of his Panama hat, + And trying to lighten his mind of a load + By humming the words of the following ode: + "Oh! for a nigger, and oh! for a whip; + Oh! for a cocktail, and oh! for a nip; + Oh! for a shot at old Greeley and Beecher; + Oh! for a crack at a Yankee school-teacher; + Oh! for a captain, and oh! for a ship; + Oh! for a cargo of niggers each trip." + And so he kept oh-ing for all he had not, + Not contented with owing for all that he'd got. + +In view of the impending conflict, it is the duty of every American +citizen, who has nothing else to do, to take up his abode in the +capital of this agonized Republic, and give the Cabinet the sanction of +his presence. Some base child of treason may intimate that Washington +is not quite large enough to hold every American citizen; but I'm +satisfied that, if all the democrats could have one good washing, they +would shrink so that you might put the whole blessed party into an +ordinary custom house. Some of the republicans are pretty large chaps +for their size, but Jeff Davis thinks they can be "taken in" easily +enough; and I know that the new tariff will be enough to make them +contract like sponges out of water. The city is full of Western chaps, +at present, who look as if they had just walked out of a +charity-hospital, and had not got beyond gruel diet yet. Every soul of +them knew old Abe when he was a child, and one old boy can even +remember going for a doctor when his mother was born. I met one of them +the other day (he is after the Moosehicmagunticook post-office), and +his anecdotes of the President's boyhood brought tears to my eyes, and +several tumblers to my lips. He says, that when Abe was an infant of +sixteen, he split so many rails that his whole county looked like a +wholesale lumber-yard for a week; and that when he took to +flat-boating, he was so tall and straight, that a fellow once took him +for a smoke-stack on a steamboat, and didn't find out his mistake until +he tried to kindle a fire under him. Once, while Abe was practising as +a lawyer, he defended a man for stealing a horse, and was so eloquent +in proving that his client was an honest victim of false suspicion, +that the deeply-affected victim made him a present of the horse as soon +as he was acquitted. I tell you what, my boy, if Abe pays a post-office +for every story of his childhood that's told, the mail department of +this glorious nation will be so large that a letter smaller than a +two-story house would get lost in it. + + * * * * * + +Of all the vile and damning deeds that ever rendered a city eternally +infamous, my boy--of all the infernal sins of dark-browed treachery +that ever made open-faced treason seem holy, the crime of Baltimore is +the blackest and worst. All that April day we were waiting with bated +breath and beating hearts for the devoted men who had pledged their +lives to their country at the first call of the President, and were +known to be marching to the defence of the nation's capital. That night +was one of terror: at any moment the hosts of the rebels might pour +upon the city from the mountains of guilty Virginia, and grasp the very +throat of the Republic. And with the first dim light of morning came +the news that our soldiers had been basely beset in the streets of +Baltimore, and ruthlessly shot down by a treacherous mob! Those whom +they had trusted as brothers, my boy--whose country they were marching +to defend with their lives--assassinating them in cold blood! + +I was sitting in my room at Willard's, when a serious chap from New +Haven, who had just paused long enough at the door to send a waiter for +the same that he had yesterday, came rushing into the apartment with a +long, fluttering paper in his hand. + +"Listen to this," says he, in wild agitation, and read: + + BALTIMORE. + + Midnight shadows, dark, appalling, round the Capitol were falling, + And its dome and pillars glimmered spectral from Potomac's shore; + All the great had gone to slumber, and of all the busy number + That had moved the State by day within its walls, as erst before, + None there were but dreamed of heroes thither sent ere day was o'er-- + Thither sent through BALTIMORE. + + But within a chamber solemn, barred aloft with many a column, + And with windows tow'rd Mount Vernon, windows tow'rd Potomac's shore, + Sat a figure, stern and awful; Chief, but not the Chieftain lawful + Of the land whose grateful millions Washington's great name adore-- + Sat the form--a shade majestic of a Chieftain gone before, + Thine to honor, BALTIMORE! + + There he sat in silence, gazing, by a single planet's blazing, + At a map outspread before him wide upon the marble floor; + And if 'twere for mortal proving that those reverend lips were moving, + While the eyes were closely scanning one mapped city o'er and o'er-- + While he saw but one great city on that map upon the floor-- + They were whispering--"BALTIMORE." + + Thus he sat, nor word did utter, till there came a sudden flutter, + And the sound of beating wings was heard upon the carved door. + In a trice the bolts were broken; by those lips no word was spoken, + As an Eagle, torn and bloody, dim of eye, and wounded sore, + Fluttered down upon the map, and trailed a wing all wet with gore + O'er the name of BALTIMORE! + + Then that noble form uprising, with a gesture of surprising, + Bent with look of keenest sorrow tow'rd the bird that drooped before; + "Emblem of my country!" said he, "are thy pinions stained already + In a tide whose blending waters never ran so red before? + Is it with the blood of kinsmen? Tell me quickly, I implore!" + Croaked the eagle--"BALTIMORE!" + + "Eagle," said the Shade, advancing, "tell me by what dread + mischancing + Thou, the symbol of my people, bear'st thy plumes erect no more? + Why dost thou desert mine army, sent against the foes that harm me, + Through my country, with a Treason worlds to come shall e'er + deplore?" + And the Eagle on the map, with bleeding wing, as just before, + Blurred the name of BALTIMORE! + + "Can it be?" the spectre muttered. "Can it be?" those pale lips + uttered; + "Is the blood Columbia treasures spilt upon its native shore? + Is there in the land so cherished, land for whom the great have + perished, + Men to shed a brother's blood as tyrant's blood was shed before? + Where are they who murder Peace before the breaking out of war?" + Croaked the Eagle--"BALTIMORE." + + At the word, of sound so mournful, came a frown, half sad, half + scornful, + O'er the grand, majestic face where frown had never been before; + And the hands to Heaven uplifted, with an awful pow'r seemed gifted + To plant curses on a head, and hold them there forevermore-- + To rain curses on a land, and bid them grow forevermore-- + Woe art thou, O BALTIMORE! + + Then the sacred spirit, fading, left upon the floor a shading, + As of one with arms uplifted, from a distance bending o'er; + And the vail of night grew thicker, and the death-watch beat the + quicker + For a death within a death, and sadder than the death before! + And a whispering of woe was heard upon Potomac's shore-- + Hear it not, O BALTIMORE! + + And the Eagle, never dying, still is trying, still is trying, + With its wings upon the map to hide a city with its gore; + But the name is there forever, and it shall be hidden never, + While the awful brand of murder points the Avenger to its shore; + While the blood of peaceful brothers God's dread vengeance doth + implore, + Thou art doomed, O BALTIMORE! + +"There!" says the serious New Haven chap, as he finished reading, +stirring something softly with a spoon, "what do you suppose Poe would +think, if he were alive now and could read that?" + +"I think," says I, striving to appear calm, "that he would be 'Raven' +mad about it." + +"Oh--ah--yes," says the serious chap, vaguely, "what will _you_ take?" + +Doubtless I shall become hardened to the horrors of war in time, my +boy; but at present these things unhinge me. + +Yours, unforgivingly, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER V. + +CONCERNING THE GREAT CROWD AT THE CAPITAL, OWING TO THE VAST INFLUX OF +TROOPS, AND TOUCHING UPON FIRE-ZOUAVE PECULIARITIES AND OTHER MATTERS. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., May 24th, 1861. + +I am living luxuriously, at present, on the top of a very respectable +fence, and fare sumptuously on three granite biscuit a day, and a glass +of water, weakened with brandy. A high private in the Twenty-second +Regiment has promised to let me have one of his spare pocket-handkerchiefs +for a sheet on the first rainy night, and I never go to bed on my +comfortable window-brush without thinking how many poor creatures there +are in this world who have to sleep on hair mattresses and feather-beds +all their lives. Before the great rush of the Fire Zouaves and the rest +of the menagerie commenced, I boarded exclusively on a front stoop on +Pennsylvania Avenue, and used to slumber, regardless of expense, in a +well-conducted ash-box; but the military monopolize all such +accommodation now, and I give way for the sake of my country. + +I tell you, my boy, we're having high old times here just now, and if +they get any higher, I shan't be able to afford to stay. The city is in +"danger" every other hour, and as a veteran in the Fire Zouaves +remarked, there seems to be enough danger laying around loose on +Arlington Heights to make a very good blood-and-thunder fiction in +numerous pages. If the vigilant and well-educated sentinels happen to +see an old nigger on the other side of the Potomac, they sing out, +"Here they come!" and the whole blessed army is snapping caps in less +than a minute. Then all the cheap reporters telegraph to their papers +in New York and Philadelphia, that "Jeff. Davis is within two minutes' +walk of the Capital, with a few millions of men," and all the free +states send six more regiments a piece to crowd us a little more. I +sha'n't stand much more crowding, for my fence is full now, and there +were six applications yesterday to rent an improved knot-hole. My +landlord says that, if more than three chaps set up housekeeping on one +post, he'll be obliged to raise the rent. + +Those Fire Zouaves are fellows of awful suction, I tell you. Just for +greens, I asked one of them, yesterday, what he came here for? "Hah!" +says he, shutting one eye, "we came here to strike for your altars and +your fires--especially your _fires_." General Scott says that if he +wanted to make these chaps break through the army of a foe, he'd have a +fire-bell rung for some district on the other side of the rebels. He +says that half a million of the traitors couldn't keep the Fire Zouaves +out of that district five minutes. I believe him, my boy! + +The weather here is highly favorable to the free development of +perspiration and mint-juleps, and I have enjoyed the melancholy +satisfaction of losing ten pounds of flesh in three days. One of the +lieutenants of the Eighth has a gutter about half an inch deep worn +down the bridge of his nose by the stream of perspiration since +Wednesday; and a chap from Vermont melted so awfully the other day, +that they had to put him in a refrigerator to keep enough of him to +send home to his rich but pious family. + +In fact, this weather makes the Northern boys fall away awfully; one of +the Fire Zouaves fell away tremendously yesterday; he fell away from +Washington to Annapolis, and then somebody had to put him in a +guard-house to keep him from perspiring all the way back to New York. +The chap that boards on the next front stoop to me now, was so fat when +he came here that his captain refused to use him as a sentinel, because +he could not see far enough over his stomach to detect any one +approaching him. Well, my boy, that chap has fallen away to such an +extent that it took me half an hour last night to find out what part of +his uniform he lived in. He blew down three or four times while we were +walking up Pennsylvania avenue; and while I was helping him up the last +time, a passer-by asked me "What I would take for that ere flag-staff?" + +By-the-by, you ought to have heard Honest Old Abe's speech, on +Wednesday, when we raised the Star-spangled particular on the +Post-office. Says he: "On this present occasion, I feel that it will +not be out of place to make a few remarks which were not applicable at +a former period. Yesterday, the flag hung on the staff throughout the +Union, and in consequence of the scarcity of a breeze, there was not +much wind blowing at the time. On the present happy occasion, however, +the presence of numerous zephyrs causes the atmosphere to agitate for +our glorious Union, and this flag, which now unfolds itself to the +sight, is observed, upon closer inspection, to present a star-spangled +appearance." + +Mr. Seward's speech, which was also received with frantic enthusiasm, +sounded equally well. He said: "I trust that this glorious spectacle +will make a deep impression upon all present, notwithstanding the fact +that I am still convinced that peace may yet put an end to this unhappy +conflict by means of a convention of all the States on the Fourth of +July, 2776, which I have always advocated. As the President has +remarked, the breeze which has just arisen in the bay of Naples, causes +the Star-Spangled Banner to arouse a far prouder feeling in every +American breast, than if a vessel should come in with a palmetto flag +at her peak, and upon being asked where it came from, should reply: +'Oh, from one of the petty republics of America.' I have nothing more +to say." + +I know this report is correct, for I copied both the speeches from a +phonographic reporter's copy, and the phonographic reporter had only +taken six glasses of old peach and honey before he went to work. + +Yours, hastily, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER VI. + +INTRODUCING THE MACKEREL BRIGADE, DILATING ON HAVELOCKS AS FIRST MADE +BY THE WOMEN OF AMERICA, ILLUSTRATING THE STRENGTH OF HABIT AND +WEAKNESS OF "SHODDY," AND SHOWING HOW OUR CORRESPONDENT INDULGED IN A +HUGE CANARD, AFTER THE MANNER OF AN ENLIGHTENED DAILY PRESS. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., June 15th, 1861. + +The members of the Mackerel Brigade, now stationed on Arlington Heights +to watch the movements of the Potomac, which is expected to rise +shortly, desire me to thank the women of America for supplies of +Havelocks and other delicacies of the season just received. The +Havelocks, my boy, are rather roomy, and we took them for shirts at +first; and the shirts are so narrow-minded, that we took them for +Havelocks. If the women of America could manage to get a little less +linen in the collars of the latter article, and a little more into the +other departments of the graceful garment, there would be fewer colds +in this division of the Grand Army. + +The Havelocks, as I have said before, are roomy--very roomy, my boy. +Villiam Brown, of Company 3, Regiment 5, put one on last night, when he +went on sentry-duty, and looked like a broomstick in a pillow-case, for +all the world. When the officer of the night came round and caught +sight of Villiam in his Havelock, he was struck dumb with admiration +for a moment. Then he ejaculated: + +"What a splendid moonbeam!" + +Villiam made a movement, and the sergeant came up. + +"What's that white object?" says the officer to the sergeant. + +"The young man which is Villiam Brown," says the sergeant. + +"Thunder!" roars the officer, "tell him to go to his tent, and take off +that night-gown!" + +"You're mistaken," says the sergeant. "The sentry is Villiam Brown, in +his Havelock, which was made by the wimmen of America." + +The officer was so justly exasperated at his mistake, that he went +immediately to his head-quarters, and took the Oath three times +running, with a little sugar. + +The Oath is very popular, my boy, and comes in bottles. I take it +medicinally myself. + +The shirts made by the women of America are noble articles, as far down +as the collar; but would not do to use as an only garment. Captain +Mortimer de Montague, one of the skirmish squad, put one on when he +went to the President's Reception, and the collar stood up so high, +that he couldn't put his cap on, while the other departments didn't +quite reach to his waist. His appearance at the White House was +picturesque and interesting, and as he entered the drawing-room, +General Scott remarked, very feelingly: + +"Ah! here comes one of our wounded heroes." + +"He's not wounded, general," remarked an officer, standing by. + +"Then, why is his head bandaged up so?" asked the venerable veteran. + +"Oh!" says the officer, "that's only one of the shirts made by the +patriotic wimmen of America." + +In about five minutes after this conversation, I saw the venerable +veteran, the wounded hero, and the officer taking the Oath together. + +The Seventy-ninth, Highlanders, came to town early last week, and are +the finest body of Scotchmen that were ever half _kilt_ by uniform +alone. My heart warmed to them when I first saw them; and, with arms +outspread, I greeted the gallant fellow nearest to me. With a tear of +gratified pride in his eye, he exclaimed: + +"Auld lang syne and Scots who ha'e; but gang awa' wi' Heeland laddie +thegither o' John Anderson my Jo; and, moreover, we'll tak' a right +gude willie wacht for muckle twa and braw chiel." + +I told him I thought so myself. + +I'm sorry to say, my boy, that some members of this splendid regiment +are badly off for trowsers, and shock my modesty tremendously. They +probably forgot them in their hurry to get to the war, and the Union +Pretence Committee ought to send them out an assortment of peg-tops at +once. "Not that I hobject to the hinnocent hamusements of the +Highlanders, but that decency and propriety _must_ be preserved within +the limits of the army"--as the British show-man observed. + +I took a trip down to Alexandria the other night, to see how the Fire +Zouaves were getting along, and came pretty near getting into trouble +with one of Five's screamers. He was on guard; and when he challenged +me, the pass-word slipped my memory. + +"Drop that ere butt," says he, bringing his musket to a charge, "or +I'll give yer a taste of the old masheen. Who--wha--what are yer +coughin' at--sa-a-ay?" + +I was frightened, my boy, and had just commenced the appropriate prayer +of "Now I lay me down to sleep," when suddenly an idea struck me, and I +acted on it immediately. + +"Hello!" says I, "Johnny, didn't you hear the old Hall kettle strike +for the Fourth District? Come along with me and help to get the old +dog-cart on a jump, or Nine's roosters will get the rail-road track and +have the old butt in Christie street before we can swing the old +masheen over a pig's whisker." + +"Bully for you!" says he, dropping his musket, all in a quiver, and +commencing to roll up his pantaloons. "I've got a bet on that ere fire; +and ef I don't take the starch out of that ere Nine's feller what wears +good clothes and don't do nothing--you may just take my boots." + +It was all the force of habit, you see; and if I hadn't stopped that +Zouave, I really believe he'd have run clean into the bosom of all the +first families, looking for the Fourth District and Nine's feller! + +The Mackerel brigade have got their new uniforms, and they are not the +martial garments it would do to get fat in. High private Samivel Green +put his on, partially, yesterday; but, it's a positive fact, my boy, +that by the time he got his coat buttoned, his pantaloons were all worn +out. I managed to get on one of the uniforms myself, and the first time +I went into the open air all the buttons blew off. + + * * * * * + +I've just returned from visiting the most mournful sight that ever made +a man feel as though he'd been peeling onions all the week, and grating +horse-radish on Sunday. It was the first dying scene of one of the "Pet +Lammers," down at Alexandria, and, as one of Five's chaps remarks, it +was enough to make the eye of a darning-needle weep, and bring tears to +the cheek of the Greek slave. Jim was the only name of the sufferer, +and if he ever had any other, it had slipped his memory, though his +affectionate relatives sometimes called him "Shorty," by way of +endearment. He was out on picket-guard the night before, when the +Southern Confederacy attempted to pass him. He challenged the intruder, +and called to his comrades for help; but, before the latter could +arrive, the Southern Confederacy drew a masked battery from his pocket, +and fired six heavy balls through the head of the unfortunate Zouave, +nearly fracturing his skull, and breaking several panes of glass. The +cowardly miscreant then fled to an adjacent fence, closely followed by +Sherman's Artillery. + +Upon discovering that he was wounded, Mr. Shorty examined the cap on +his musket, and stood it carefully against a tree, buttoned his jacket +to his neck, and asked a comrade for a chew of tobacco. Too full of +emotion to speak, the comrade handed a gentlemanly plug to the dying +man, who cut about half an ounce from it, placed it thoughtfully in his +mouth, and then stuffed his handkerchief carefully in the hole in his +forehead made by the balls. + +"Is any of my brains hanging out?" he asked of another of his comrades. + +"No, Shorty," answered the other, bursting into tears; "you never had +any to hang out." + +After this response, the dying man paused for a moment to spit in the +eyes of a dog that was smelling around his heels, and then proceeded +with his comrades in the direction of the hospital, or the house used +for that purpose. + +As they were passing the quarters of the officer with whom I was +spending the night, the expiring Zouave stopped to twist the tail of an +old darkey's cat, which made such a noise that the officer's attention +was attracted, and he called the whole party into his room. I at once +noticed that the top of Mr. Shorty's head was completely gone, and that +one of his eyes was half-way down the back of his neck. Upon entering +the room he took a pipe from the mantel and commenced to smoke it, +giving us, at the same time, a history of Nine's Engine and the first +"muss" he was ever engaged in. After finishing the pipe, and requesting +me to wrap him up in the American flag, he spit on one of my boots, and +then died. I append a short biographical sketch. + + THE LATE PRIVATE SHORTY. + + Mr. James Shorty, the gallant Zouave who was shot last night by the + Southern Confederacy, was born some years ago in a place I am not + aware of, and graduated with high honors in the New York Fire + Department. He was universally beloved for his genial manner of + taking the butt, and never hit a feller bigger than himself. In the + year 1861, he entered the United States army as a private Zouave, + and was in it when the fate of war deprived the country of his + beloved presence. His remains will be taken to the first fire that + occurs. + + * * * * * + +Poor Shorty! I knew him well, my boy, and shall never forget how ready +he always was to take a cigar from + +Yours, mournfully, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + +P.S.--Since writing the above, I have heard that no such occurrence +took place at Alexandria. The alarm was occasioned by the fall of a bag +of hay in one of the officers' quarters, the noise being mistaken for +the firing of a battery. Mr. Shorty, it seems, does not belong to the +Zouaves, at all, and is still in New York. + +O. C. K. + + + + +LETTER VII. + +RECORDING THE FIRST SANGUINARY EXPLOIT OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE, AND ITS +VICTORIOUS ISSUE. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., June 20th, 1861. + +I have just returned, my boy, with my fellow-mercenaries and several +mudsills from a carnival of gore. I am wounded--my sensibilities are +wounded, and my irrepressibles reek with the blood of the slain. These +hands, that once opened the oysters of peace and toyed with the +bivalves of tranquillity, are now sanguinary with the _red juice of +battle_ (gushing idea!), and linger in horrid ecstacy about the gloomy +neck of a bottle holding about a quart. Eagle of my country, proud bird +of the menagerie! thou art avenged! + +At a late hour last evening, the Brigadier-General of the Mackerel +Brigade (formerly a practitioner in the Asylum for Idiots) received +intelligence from a messenger that a strong force of chickens were +intrenched near Fairfax Court-House under the command of a rabid +secessionist named Binks. The brigade was at once ordered over the +bridge at a double-quick, the general throwing a strong force of +skirmishers into the Potomac, and waving his sword repeatedly to show +that he was a stranger to fear. Shortly after touching Virginia soil, +the orderly sergeant reported an engagement, on the left flank, between +private Villiam Brown and the man that puts his hair in papers. A +consultation of officers was immediately called, and the order "About +face" was given. So excited was our general by the event, that when the +order to march was given he forgot all about the "About face" business, +and we didn't know that we were going the wrong way until we suddenly +found ourselves at the bridge again. A consultation of officers was +immediately called, and it was determined that, in consequence of the +well-known revolution of the world on its axis, the part with the +bridge on it had taken a turn while we were halting, and we were +ordered to counterbalance the singular phenomena by marching the other +way immediately. We had proceeded about one mile, when a scout reported +that a shower was coming up. A consultation of officers was immediately +called, and it was determined that a squad should search a neighboring +farmhouse for an umbrella for the Brigadier-General. The umbrella being +obtained without loss of life, we pushed on toward Fairfax, and soon +found ourselves before the works of the enemy. A consultation of +officers was immediately called, and it was decided that the +Brigadier-General should climb a tree, in order to be able to direct +the assault effectively, and prevent the appearance of a widow in his +family at home. The first regiment, Watch Guards, were ordered to +reconnoitre the works, and private Villiam Brown had almost succeeded +in surrounding a very fat pullet, when Colonel Binks put his head out +of the window of his fortress, and discharged a ten-inch boot-jack at +our centre. + +The Man that puts his hair in papers was wounded severely on one of his +corns, and the Brigadier-General slid hastily down from the tree, and +retired to the rear of an adjacent barn. A consultation of officers was +immediately called, and it was determined to form our brigade into a +square, and receive the charge of the enemy, who speedily appeared +before the breastworks with a pair of tongs in his hands. Reaching +forward with the horrid weapon, he pulled the nose of our returned +Brigadier-General with it. A consultation of officers was immediately +called, and it was determined that death was preferable to defeat. +Accordingly, the brigade was ordered to advance cautiously upon the +enemy, while the orderly sergeant was sent to harass his rear, and turn +his flank, if possible. Our brigadier-general attempted to lead the +charge, but made a mistake about the direction again, and had galloped +half a mile toward where we came from before he could be convinced of +his mistake. Seeing us descending upon him, at last, like an avalanche, +the enemy deployed to the right, and poured in a volley of "cusses," +throwing our right column into confusion, and wounding the delicacy of +our chaplain. A consultation of officers was immediately called, and it +was determined to make one more dash. We were formed into the shape of +a bunch of radishes, the brigadier-general retired a distance of two +miles to encourage us, and we poured down upon the foe with +irresistible force. His ranks were broken by the impetuosity of our +charge, and he scattered and fled in dismay. + +The engagement then became general, and in a little while we were on +our victorious way to Washington again, with 150 rebel prisoners. Our +captives were chickens, in excellent condition for dressing, and their +appearance so delighted our brigadier-general--whom we found sharpening +his sword on the bottom of his boot, some miles away--that a +consultation of officers was immediately called, and it was determined +to cook and eat them immediately, lest the President should administer +the oath of allegiance to them, and discharge them in the morning. + +Yours, victoriously, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER VIII. + +THE REJECTED "NATIONAL HYMNS." + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., June 30th, 1861. + +Immediately after mailing my last to you, I secured a short furlough, +and proceeded to New York, to examine into the affairs of that +venerable Committee which had offered a prize of $500 for the best +National Hymn. + +Upon going into literary circles, my boy, no less than fifty +acknowledged poets confidentially informed me, that the idea of bribing +the muse to be solemnly patriotic was altogether too vulgar to be +tolerated for a moment by writers of reputation; and a whole swarm of +poets, never acknowledged by anybody, were human enough to say that +$500 was not a small sum in these times; but they hadn't "come to that +yet, you know." + +One very poor Bohemian, my boy (whose scathing sarcasm at the expense +of those degraded creatures who prefer wealth to intellect, has often +delighted and improved the public mind), was so rash as to intimate +that the importunities of his laundress might drive him to the +desperate resource of competing for the prize; but he was quickly made +to blush for the unworthy thought, by the undisguised contempt for his +"dem'd lowness" displayed by a decayed young gentleman in a dirty +collar and very new neck-tie, who lives in a two-pair back in Wooster +street (fish balls and a roll twice a day), and writes graphic sketches +of fashionable life for the wholesale market. + +And yet, notwithstanding all this high-mindedness, my boy, there is an +immense amount of some sort of genius insidiously pitted against the +contemptible $500. Astounding and distracting to relate, the committee +announces the reception of no less than eleven hundred and fifty +"anthems"! + +The magnitude of eleven hundred and fifty "anthems" is almost more than +one human mind can grasp. Allowing that each "anthem" is a quarter of a +yard long, we have a grand total of two hundred and eighty-seven and a +half yards of "anthem"; allowing that each "anthem" weighs half a pound +(intellectually and materially), I find a gross weight of five hundred +and seventy-five pounds of "anthem"! + +Let the reflective mind consider these figures for a moment, and it +will be stricken with a sense of the singular resemblance between +Genius and other marketable commodities. Eleven hundred and fifty +anthems are enough to prove that Genius has its private mercenary +weaknesses as well as Trade, my boy, and that brains can be bought by +the yard as well as calico. Genius may carry with it a seeming contempt +for the yellow dross of common humanity; but--it has to pay its +occasional washerwoman. + +And all these "anthems" are rejected by the venerable committee! But +must they _all_, therefore, be lost to the world? I hope not, my +boy,--I hope not. Having some acquaintance with the discriminating +rag-merchant to whom they were turned over as rejected, I have procured +some of the best, from which to quote for your special edification. + +Imprimis, my boy, observe this + + NATIONAL ANTHEM. + + BY H. W. L----, OF CAMBRIDGE. + + Back in the years when Phlagstaff, the Dane, was monarch + Over the sea-ribbed land of the fleet-footed Norsemen, + Once there went forth young Ursa to gaze at the heavens-- + Ursa, the noblest of all the Vikings and horsemen. + + Musing, he sat in his stirrups and viewed the horizon, + Where the Aurora lapt stars in a North-polar manner, + Wildly he started--for there in the heavens before him + Fluttered and flew the original Star-Spangled Banner. + +The committee have two objections to this: in the first place, it is +not an "anthem" at all; secondly, it is a gross plagiarism from an old +Scandinavian war-song of the primeval ages. + +Next, I present a + + NATIONAL ANTHEM. + + BY THE HON. EDWARD E----, OF BOSTON. + + Ponderous projectiles, hurled by heavy hands, + Fell on our Liberty's poor infant head, + Ere she a stadium had well advanced + On the great path that to her greatness led; + Her temple's propylon was shattered; + Yet, thanks to saving Grace and Washington, + Her incubus was from her bosom hurled; + And, rising like a cloud-dispelling sun, + She took the oil, with which her hair was curled, + To grease the "Hub" round which revolves the world. + +This fine production is rather heavy for an "anthem," and contains too +much of Boston to be considered strictly national. To set such an +"anthem" to music would require a Wagner; and even were it really +accommodated to a tune, it could only be whistled by the populace. + +We now come to a + + NATIONAL ANTHEM. + + BY JOHN GREENLEAF W----. + + My native land, thy Puritanic stock + Still finds its roots firm-bound in Plymouth Rock, + And all thy sons unite in one grand wish-- + To keep the virtues of Preserv-ed Fish. + + Preserv-ed Fish, the Deacon stern and true, + Told our New England what her sons should do, + And should they swerve from loyalty and right, + Then the whole land were lost indeed in night. + +The sectional bias of this "anthem" renders it unsuitable for use in +that small margin of the world situated outside of New England. Hence +the above must be rejected. + +Here we have a very curious + + NATIONAL ANTHEM. + + BY DR. OLIVER WENDELL H----. + + A diagnosis of our hist'ry proves + Our native land a land its native loves; + Its birth a deed obstetric without peer, + Its growth a source of wonder far and near. + + To love it more behold how foreign shores + Sink into nothingness beside its stores; + Hyde Park at best--though counted ultra-grand-- + The "Boston Common" of Victoria's land-- + +The committee must not be blamed for rejecting the above, after reading +thus far; for such an "anthem" could only be sung by a college of +surgeons or a Beacon-street tea-party. + +Turn we now to a + + NATIONAL ANTHEM. + + BY RALPH WALDO E----. + + Source immaterial of material naught, + Focus of light infinitesimal, + Sum of all things by sleepless Nature wrought, + Of which abnormal man is decimal. + + Refract, in prism immortal, from thy stars + To the stars blent incipient on our flag, + The beam translucent, neutrifying death; + And raise to immortality the rag. + +This "anthem" was greatly praised by a celebrated German scholar; but +the committee felt obliged to reject it on account of its too childish +simplicity. + +Here we have a + + NATIONAL ANTHEM + + BY WILLIAM CULLEN B----. + + The sun sinks softly to his evening post, + The sun swells grandly to his morning crown; + Yet not a star our flag of Heav'n has lost, + And not a sunset stripe with him goes down. + + So thrones may fall; and from the dust of those, + New thrones may rise, to totter like the last; + But still our country's nobler planet glows + While the eternal stars of Heaven are fast. + +Upon finding that this did not go well to the air of "Yankee Doodle," +the committee felt justified in declining it; being furthermore +prejudiced against it by a suspicion that the poet has crowded an +advertisement of a paper which he edits into the first line. + +Next we quote from a + + NATIONAL ANTHEM + + BY GEN. GEORGE P. M----. + + In the days that tried our fathers + Many years ago, + Our fair land achieved her freedom, + Blood-bought, you know. + Shall we not defend her ever + As we'd defend + That fair maiden, kind and tender, + Calling us friend? + + Yes! Let all the echoes answer, + From hill and vale; + Yes! Let other nations, hearing, + Joy in the tale. + Our Columbia is a lady, + High-born and fair; + We have sworn allegiance to her-- + Touch her who dare. + +The tone of this "anthem" not being devotional enough to suit the +committee, it should be printed on an edition of linen-cambric +handkerchiefs, for ladies especially. + +Observe this + + NATIONAL ANTHEM + + BY N. P. W----. + + One hue of our flag is taken + From the cheeks of my blushing Pet, + And its stars beat time and sparkle + Like the studs on her chemisette. + + Its blue is the ocean shadow + That hides in her dreamy eyes, + It conquers all men, like her, + And still for a Union flies. + +Several members of the committee being pious, it is not strange that +this "anthem" has too much of the Anacreon spice to suit them. + +We next peruse a + + NATIONAL ANTHEM + + BY THOMAS BAILEY A----. + + The little brown squirrel hops in the corn, + The cricket quaintly sings; + The emerald pigeon nods his head, + And the shad in the river springs, + The dainty sunflower hangs its head + On the shore of the summer sea; + And better far that I were dead, + If Maud did not love me. + + I love the squirrel that hops in the corn, + And the cricket that quaintly sings; + And the emerald pigeon that nods his head, + And the shad that gayly springs. + I love the dainty sunflower, too, + And Maud with her snowy breast; + I love them all;--but I love--I love-- + I love my country best. + +This is certainly very beautiful, and sounds somewhat like Tennyson. +Though it was rejected by the Committee, it can never lose its value as +a piece of excellent reading for children. It is calculated to fill the +youthful mind with patriotism and natural history, besides touching the +youthful heart with an emotion palpitating for all. + +Notice the following + + NATIONAL ANTHEM + + BY R. H. STOD----. + + Behold the flag! Is it not a flag? + Deny it, man, if you dare; + And midway spread, 'twixt earth and sky, + It hangs like a written prayer. + + Would impious hand of foe disturb + Its memories' holy spell, + And blight it with a dew of blood? + Ha, tr-r-aitor!! * * * It is well. + +And this is the last of the rejected anthems I can quote from at +present, my boy, though several hundred pounds yet remain untouched. + +Yours, questioningly, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER IX. + +IN WHICH OUR CORRESPONDENT TEMPORARILY DIGRESSES FROM WAR MATTERS TO +ROMANTIC LITERATURE, AND INTRODUCES A WOMAN'S NOVEL. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., July --, 1861. + +While the Grand Army is making its preparations for an advance upon the +Southern Confederacy, my boy, and the celebrated fowl of our distracted +country is getting ready his spurs, let me distract your attention for +a moment to the subject of harrowing Romance as inflicted by the +intellectual women of America. + +To soothe and instruct me in my leisure and more ebrious moments, one +of the ink-comparable women of America has sent me her new novel to +read; and before I allow _you_ to enjoy its green leaves, my boy, you +must permit me to make a few remarks concerning the generality of such +works. + +Long and patient study of womanly works teaches me that woman's genius, +as displayed in gushing fiction, is a power of creating an unnatural +and unmitigated ruffian for a hero, my boy, at whose shrine all created +crinoline and immense delegations of inferior broadcloth are impelled +to bow. Such a one was that old humbug, Rochester, the beloved of "Jane +Eyre." The character has been done-over scores of times since poor +Charlotte Bronte gave her famous novel to the world, and is still "much +used in respectable families." + +The great difficulty with the intellectual women of America is, that +they will persist in attempting to delineate a phase of manly character +which attracts them above all others, but which they do not comprehend. +Woman entertains a natural fondness for that which she can not +understand, and hence it is that we very seldom find her without a +wildly-vague admiration of Emerson. + +There is in this world, my boy, a noble type of manhood which unites +dignified reserve with the most loyal integrity, relentless pride of +manner with the kindest humility of heart, rigid indifference to the +applause of the world with the finest regard for its honest respect, +and carelessness of woman's mere frivolous liking with the most +profound and chivalrous reverence for her virtues and her love. + +This is the type which, without comprehending it, the intellectual +women of America are continually striving to depict in their novels; +and a pretty mess they make of it, my boy,--a pretty mess they make of +it. + +Their "Rochester" hero is harder to understand than Hamlet, when he +falls into the hands of our school-girl authoresses. He looms rakishly +upon us, my boy, a horridly misanthropic wretch, despising the world +with all the dreadful malignity of chronic dyspepsia, and displaying a +degree of moral biliousness truly horrifying to members of the church. +His behavior to the poor little heroine is a perpetual outrage. +Alternately he caresses and snubs her. He never fails to make her read +to him when he traps her in the library; and when she says, "Good +night" to him he is too deep in a "fit of gloomy abstraction" to answer +her civilly. If he calls her a "little fool," her fondness for him +becomes ecstatic: and at the first hint of his having murdered a noble +brother and two beautiful sisters in early life, she is led to fear +that her adoration of him will exceed the love she owes to her Maker! + +This unprincipled ruffian may be separated from the virtuous little +heroine for years, and be flirting consumedly with half a dozen +crinolines when next she sees him; yet is he loved dearly by the +virtuous little heroine all the time, and when last we hear of him, she +is resting peacefully upon his vest-pattern. + +What makes the inconsistency of the whole story still more apparent, is +the intense and double-refined piety of the heroine, as contrasted with +an utter stagnation of all morality in the breast of the ruffian. How +the two can assimilate, I do not understand; and my misunderstanding is +wofully augmented by the heroine's frequent expressions of +churchliness, and the ruffian's equally frequent outbursts of waggish +infidelity. + +And now, my boy, let me transcribe for you the new novel, sent to me +with such kind intent by one of the young and intellectual women of +America. You will find much lusciousness of sentiment, my boy, in + + + HIGGINS. + + AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY. + + BY GUSHALINA CRUSHIT. + + + + + PREFACE. + + + In writing the ensuing pages, I have been guided by no motives + other than those which lead the mind, in its leisure hours, to + scatter the germs of the beautiful. It may be urged that the + character of my hero is unnatural; but I am sure there are many of + my sex who will discover in Mr. Higgins a counter-part of the ideal + of days when life still knew the odors of its first spring, and the + soul of man seemed to the eye of innocence an elysium of virtue + into which no gangrene of mere worldliness intruded. I have done. + + + + + CHAPTER I. + + + It was on the eve of a day in the happy month of June, that my + great grandfather's carriage, drawn by six hundred and twenty-two + white horses, drew up under the tall palm trees before the gates of + the venerable Higgins' Lodge, and I was lifted almost fainting from + the wearied vehicle. As my grandfather supported my trembling steps + into the spacious hall of the lodge, I noticed that another figure + had been added to our party. It was that of a man six feet high, + and broad in proportion, whose majestic and spacious brow betokened + realms of elysian thought and excrescent ideality. His pallid + tresses hung in curls down his back, and an American flag floated + from his Herculean shoulders. Fixed by a fascination only to be + realized by those who have felt so, I cast my piercing glance at + him, and my inmost soul knew all his sublimity. It was as though an + angel's wing had swept my temples, and left a glittering pinion + there. + + "Mr. Higgins," said my grandfather, "here is your ward, + Galushianna." + + For an instant silence prevailed. + + Then Mr. Higgins said, in tones of exquisitely modulated thunder: + + "What did you bring the d--d girl _here_ for, you old cuss you?" + + It was as when one sees a strain of music. I remembered the prayers + of my dear departed mother when she sought to enlighten my + speechless infancy with divine grace, and I felt that I loved this + Higgins. + + Such is life. We wander through the bowers of love without a + thought of the morrow, while the dread vulture of predestination + eats into our souls, and cries, wo! wo! Truly, earthly happiness is + a mockery. + + + + + CHAPTER II. + + Scarcely had I taken my seat in the library after my grandfather + had left us, when Mr. Higgins ordered me to black his boots. This I + proceeded to do with a haughty air, scarcely daring to hope, but + wishing that he would conquer his freezing reserve, and speak to me + again. For I was but a child, and my young heart yearned for + sympathy. + + Presently, Mr. Higgins turned his large gray eyes on me, and said: + + "Ha!" + + After this, he remained in a thoughtful reverie for two hours, and + then turning to me, asked: + + "Galushiana, what do you think of me?" + + "I think," replied I, carefully putting the blacking-brush in its + place, "that your nature is naturally a noble one, but has been + warped and shadowed by a misconceived impression of the great + arcana of the universe. You permit the genuflexions of human sin to + bias your mind in its estimate of the true economy of creation; + thus blighting, as it were, the fructifying evidences of your own + abstract being--" + + I blushed, and feared I had gone too far. + + "Very true," responded Mr. Higgins, after a moment's pause; + "Schiller says nearly the same thing. It was a sense of man's utter + nothingness that led me to kill my grandmother, and poison the + helpless offspring of my elder brother." + + Here Mr. Higgins held down his head and quivered with emotions, as + the ocean quakes under the shrieking howl of the blast. + + I felt my whole being convulsed, and could not endure the + spectacle. I stole softly to the door, and stammered through my + tears, "Good-night, Mr. Higgins, I will pray for you." + + He did not turn his noble head, but said, in firm tones: "Poor + little beast, good night." + + I went to my room, but could not sleep. Shortly after half-past two + o'clock I crawled noiselessly down to the library-door and looked + in. Mr. Higgins still sat before the fire in the same thoughtful + position. "Poor little beast!" I heard him murmur softly to + himself--"poor little beast!" + + + + + CHAPTER III. + + Let the reader transport himself to a small stone cottage on the + Hudson, and he will behold me as I was at the age of twenty-one. I + had reached that acme of woman's career when common sense is to her + as nothing, and the world with all its follies bursts upon her + ravished ears with ten-fold succulence. My grandfather had been + dead some fifty years, and I was even thinking of him, when the + door opened, and Mr. Higgins entered. I felt my heart palpitate, + and was about to quit the room, when he cast a searching glance at + me, and said: + + "Well, girl--are you as big a fool as ever?" + + I hung my head, for the tell-tale blush _would_ bloom. + + "Come," said Mr. Higgins, "don't speak like a donkey. I'm no + priestly confessor. Curse the priests! Curse the world! Curse + everybody! Curse everything!" And he placed his feet upon the + mantel-piece, and gazed meditatively into the fire. + + I could hear the beatings of my own heart, and all the warmth of my + nature went forth to meet this sublime embodiment of human majesty; + yet I dared not speak. + + After a short silence, Mr. Higgins took a chew of tobacco, and + placing his hand on my shoulder, exclaimed: + + "Why should I deceive you, girl? Last night I poisoned my only + remaining sister because she would have wed a circus-keeper, and + scarcely an hour ago I lost two millions at faro. Your priests + would say this was wrong--hey?" + + I stifled my sobs and said, as calmly as I could: + + "Our Church looks at the motive, not the deed. If a high sense of + honor compelled you to poison all your relatives and play faro, the + sin was rather the effect of vice in others than in your own noble + heart, and I doubt not you may be called innocent." + + He glanced into the fire a few hours, and then said: + + "Go, Galushianna!--I would be alone! Go, innocent young scorpion." + + Oh, Higgins, Higgins, if I could have died for thee then, I don't + know but I should have done it! + + + + + CHAPTER IV. + + Seventy-five years have rolled by since last I met the reader, and + I am still a thoughtless girl. But oh, how changed! The raven of + despair has flapped his hideous brood over the halls of my + ancestors, and taken from them all that once made them beautiful. + When I look back I can see nothing before me, and when I look + forward I can see nothing behind me. Thus it is with life. We fancy + that each hour is a butterfly made to play with, and all is gall + and bitterness. + + I was chastened by misfortune, and occupied a secluded cavern in + the city of New Orleans, when my faithful old nurse entered my + dressing-room, and burst into a fit of hysterical laughter. + + "Sassafrina!" I exclaimed, half angrily. + + "Please don't be angry, miss," responded the tired old creature; + "but I knew it would come all right at last. I told you Sir Claude + Higgins hadn't married his youngest sister, but you wouldn't + believe me. Now he's down stairs in the parlor waiting for you." + + And the attached domestic fell dead at my feet. + + After hastily putting on a pair of clean stockings and reading a + chapter in my mother's family Bible, I left the room, murmuring to + myself, "Be still, my throbbing heart, be still." + + + + + CHAPTER V. + + When I entered the parlor, Mr. Higgins sat gazing into the fire in + an attitude of deep reflection, and did not note my entrance until + I had touched him. His dishevelled hair hung from his massive + temples in majestic discomposure, and an extinguished torch lay + smouldering at his glorious feet. + + O my soul's idol! I can see thee now as I saw thee then, with the + firelight glowing over thee, like a smile from the cerulean skies! + + As I touched him, he awoke. + + "Miserable girl!" he exclaimed, in those old familiar tones, + drawing me towards him, while a delicious tremor shook my every + nerve. "Wretched little serpent! And is it thus we meet? Poor + idiot, you are but a woman, and I--alas! what am I? Two hours ago, + I set fire to three churches, and crushed a sexton 'neath my iron + heel. Do you not shrink? 'Tis well. Then hear me, viper, _I lovest + thee_." + + Was it the music of a higher sphere that I smelt, or was I still in + this world of folly and sin? And were all my toils, my cares, my + heart-breathings, my hope-sobbings, my soul-writhings to end thus + gloriously at last in the adoration of a being on whom I lavished + all the spirit's purest gloatings? + + My bliss was more than I could endure. Tearing all the hair-pins + from my hair and tying my pocket handkerchief about my heaving + neck, I flung myself upon his steaming chest. + + "_My_ Higgins!" + + "YOUR Higgins!!" + + "OUR Higgins!!!" + + THE BLISSFUL FINIS. + +The intellectual women of America draw it rather tempestuously when +they try to reproduce gorgeous manhood; but they mean well, my +boy,--they mean well. + +Yours, in a brown study, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER X. + +MAKING CONSERVATIVE MENTION OF THE BATTLE OF BULL RUN AND ITS EVENTS. +THE FIRE-ZOUAVE'S VERSION OF THE AFFAIR, AND SO ON. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., July 28th, 1861. + +We have met the enemy at last, my boy; but I don't see that he's ours. +We went after him with flying banners, and I noticed when we came back +that they were flying still! Honor to the brave who fell on that bloody +field! and may we kill enough secessionists to give each of them a +monument of Southern skulls! + +I was present at the great battle, my boy, and appointed myself a +special guard of one of the baggage-wagons in the extreme rear. The +driver saw me coming, and says he: + +"You can't cut behind this here wehicle, my fine little boy." + +I looked at him for a moment, after the manner of the late great actor, +Mr. Kirby, and says I: + +"Soldier, hast thou a wife?" + +Says he: + +"I reckon." + +"And sixteen small children?" + +Says he: + +"There was only fifteen when last heard from." + +"Soldier," says I, "were you to die before to-morrow, what would be +your last request?" + +Here I shed two tears. + +"It would be," says he, "that some kind friend would take the job of +walloping my offspring for a year on contract, and finding my beloved +wife in subjects to jaw about." + +"Soldier," says I, "I'm your friend and brother. Let me occupy a seat +by your side." + +And he didn't let me do it. + +Just at this moment, something burst, and I found myself going up at +the rate of two steeples and a shot-tower a second. I met a Fire Zouave +on the way down, and says he: + +"Towhead, if you see any of our boys up where you're goin' to, just +tell them to hurry down; fur there's goin' to be a row, and Nine's +fellers 'll take that ere four-gun hydrant from the seceshers in less +time than you can reel two yards of hose." + +As I was _very_ tired I did not go all the way up; but turned back at +the first cloud, and returned hastily to the scene of strife. I +happened to light on a very fat secesher, who was doing a little +running for exercise. Down he went, with me on top of him. He was +dreadfully scared; but says he to me: "I've =seen you before, by the +gods!" I winked at him, and commenced to sharpen my sword on a stone. + +"Tell me," says he, "had you a female mother?" + +"I had," says I. + +"And a masculine father?" + +"He wore breeches." + +"Then you _are_ my long lost grandfather!" says the secesher, endeavoring +to embrace me. + +"It won't do," says I; "I've been to the Bowery Theatre myself;" and +with that I took off his neck-tie and wiped my nose with it. This +action was so repugnant to the feelings of a Southern gentleman, that +he immediately died on my hands; and there I left him. + +It was my first personal victory in this unnatural war, my boy, and as +I walked away I thought sadly of the domestic circle in the Southern +Confederacy that might be waiting anxiously, tearfully, for the husband +and father----him whom I had morally assassinated. And there he +sprawled, denied even the simple privilege of extending a parting +blessing to his children. Under ordinary circumstances, my boy, there's +something deeply affecting in + + THE DYING SOUTHERNER'S FAREWELL TO HIS SON. + + My boy, my lion-hearted boy, + Your father's end draws near; + Already is your loss begun, + And, curse it, there's a tear. + + I've sought to bring you up, my son, + A credit to the South, + And all your poker games have been + An honor to us both. + + Though scarcely sixteen years of age, + Your bowie's tickled more + Than many Southerners I know + At fifty and three score. + + You've whipped your nigger handsomely, + And chewed your plug a day; + And when I hear you swear, my son, + What pride my eyes betray! + + And now, that I must leave the world, + My dying words attend; + But first, a chew of niggerhead, + And cut it near the end. + + To you the old plantation goes, + With mortgage, tax, and all, + Though compound interest on that first, + Will make the profit small. + + The niggers to your mother go; + And if she wants to sell, + You might contrive to buy her out, + Should all the crops grow well. + + I leave you all my debts, my son, + To Yankees chiefly due; + But--curse the black republicans! + That needn't trouble you. + + A true-born Southern gentleman + Disdains the vulgar thought + Of paying, like a Yankee clerk, + For what is sold and bought. + + Leave that to storekeepers and fools + Who never banked a card; + We pay our "debts of honor," boy, + Though pressed however hard. + + Last summer at the North I bought, + Some nigger hats and shoes, + And gave my note for ninety days; + Forget it if you choose. + + The Yankee mudsills would not have + Such articles to sell, + If Southern liberality + Had fattened them less well. + + The Northern dun we hung last week + Had twenty dollars clear, + And that, my son, is all the cash + I have to give you here. + + But that's enough to make a start, + And, if you pick your boat, + A Mississippi trip or two + Will set you all afloat. + + You play a screaming hand, my son, + And push an ugly cue; + Oh! these are thoughts that make me feel + As dying Christians do! + + Keep cool, my lion-hearted boy, + Till second ace is played, + And then call out for brandy sour + As though your pile was made. + + The other chaps will think you've got + The tiger by the tail; + And when you see them looking glum, + Just call for brandy pale! + + I never knew it fail to make + Some green one go it blind; + And when the first slip-up is made, + It's all your own, you'll find. + + My breath comes hard--I'm euchred, boy-- + First Families must die; + I leave you in your innocence, + And here's a last good-bye. + +Shortly after the event I have recorded, I was examining the back of a +house near the battle-field, to see if it corresponded with the front, +when another Fire Zouave came along, and says he: + +"It's my opine that you're sticking rather too thick to the rear of +that house to be much punkins in a muss. Why don't you go to the front +like a man?" + +"My boy," says I, "this is the house of a predominant rebel, and I'm +detailed to watch the back door." + +With that the Zouave was taken with such a dreadful fit of coughing +that he had to move on to get his breath, and I was left alone once +more. + +These Fire Zouaves, my boy, have a perversity about them not to be +repressed. They were neck-and-neck with the rest of us in our stampede +back to this city; and yet, my boy, they refuse to consider the United +States of America worsted. Here is the version of + + BULL RUN, + + BY A FIRE ZOUAVE. + + Oh, it's all very well for you fellers + That don't know a fire from the sun, + To curl your moustaches, and tell us + Just how the thing _oughter_ be done; + But when twenty wake up ninety thousand, + There's nothin' can follow but rout; + We didn't give in till we had to; + And what are yer coughin' about? + + The crowd that was with them ere rebels + Had ten to our every man; + But a fireman's a fireman, me covey, + And he'll put out a fire if he can: + So we run the masheen at a gallop, + As easy as open and shut, + And as fast as one feller went under, + Another kept takin' der butt. + + You oughter seen Farnham, that mornin'! + In spite of the shot and the shell + His orders kept ringing around us + As clear as the City Hall bell. + He said all he could to encourage + And lighten the hearts of the men, + Until he was bleeding and wounded, + And nary dried up on it then. + + While two rifle regiments fought us, + And batteries tumbled us down, + Them cursed Black-Horse fellers charged us, + Like all the Dead Rabbits in town. + And that's just the way with them rebels, + It's ten upon one, or no fair; + But we emptied a few of their saddles-- + You may bet all your soap on that air! + + "Double up!" says our colonel, quite coolly, + When he saw them come riding like mad, + And we did double up in a hurry, + And let them have all that we had. + They came at us counting a hundred, + And scarcely two dozen went back; + So you see, if they bluffed us on aces, + We made a big thing with the Jack. + + We fought till red shirts were as plenty + As blackberries, strewing the grass, + And then we fell back for a breathing, + To let Sixty-nine's fellers pass. + Perhaps Sixty-nine didn't peg them, + And give them uncommon cheroots? + Well--I've just got to say, if they didn't + You fellers can smell of my boots! + + The Brooklyn Fourteenth was another, + And those Minnesota chaps too; + But the odds were too heavy against us, + And but one thing was left us to do: + We had to make tracks for our quarters, + And finished it up pretty rough; + But if any chap says that they licked us, + I'd just like to polish him off! + +With the remembrance of the many heroic souls who sacrificed themselves +for their country that day, I have not the heart, my boy, to continue +the subject. I was routed at about five o'clock in the afternoon, and +fell back on Washington, where I am now receiving my rations. I don't +take the oath with any spirit since then; and a skeleton with nothing +on but a havelock is all that is left of + +Yours, emaciatedly, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XI. + +GIVING AN EFFECT OF THE NEW BUGLE DRILL IN THE MACKEREL BRIGADE, AND +MAKING SOME NOTE OF THE LATEST IMPROVEMENTS IN ARTILLERY, ETC. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., August --, 1861. + +The Mackerel Brigade, of which I have the honor to be a member, was +about the worst demoralized of all the brigades that covered themselves +with glory and perspiration at the skrimmage of Bull Run. In the first +place, it never had much morals, and when it came to be demoralized, it +hadn't any; so that ever since the disaster, the peasantry in the +neighborhood of the camp have been in constant mourning for departed +pullets; and one venerable rustic complains that the Mackerel pickets +milk all his cows every night, and come to borrow his churn in the +morning. When one of the colonels heard the venerable rustic make this +accusation, he says to him: + +"Would you like to be revenged on the men who milk your animiles?" The +venerable rustic took a chew of tobacco, and says he: "I wouldn't like +anything better." The colonel looked at him sadly for a moment, and +then remarked: "Aged stranger, you are already revenged. The men who +milked your animiles are all from New York, where they had been +accustomed to drink milk composed principally of Croton water. Upon +drinking the pure article furnished by your gentle beastesses, they +were all taken violently sick, and are now lying at the point of +illness, expecting every moment to be their first." The venerable +rustic was so affected by this intelligence, that he immediately went +home in tears. + +The new bugle drill is a very good idea, my boy, and our lads will +probably become accustomed to it by the time they get used to it. The +colonel of Regiment Five likes it so much that he has substituted the +bugle for the drum, even. The other morning, when he tried it on for +the first time, I was just entering the tent of one of the captains, to +take the Oath with him, when the bugle sounded the order to turn out. + +"Ah!" says the captain, when he heard it, "we're going to have fish for +breakfast at last. I hope its porgies," says he: "for I'm uncommon fond +of porgies." + +"Why, what are you talking about?" says I. + +"You innocent lamb," says he, "didn't you hear that ere fish-horn. It +said 'porgies,' as plain as could be." + +"Why, that's the bugle," says I, "and it sounded the order to turn +out." + +He took his disappointment very severely, my boy, for he was really +very fond of porgies. + +By invitation of a well-known official, I visited the Navy-Yard +yesterday, and witnessed the trial of some newly-invented rifled +cannon. The trial was of short duration, and the jury brought in a +verdict of "innocent of any intent to kill." + +The first gun tried was similar to those used in the Revolution, except +that it had a larger touch-hole, and the carriage was painted green, +instead of blue. This novel and ingenious weapon was pointed at a +target about sixty yards distant. It didn't hit it, and as nobody saw +any ball, there was much perplexity expressed. A midshipman did say +that he thought the ball must have run out of the touch-hole when they +loaded up--for which he was instantly expelled from the service. After +a long search without finding the ball, there was some thought of +summoning the Naval Retiring Board to decide on the matter, when +somebody happened to look into the mouth of the cannon, and discovered +that the ball hadn't gone out at all. The inventor said this would +happen sometimes, especially if you didn't put a brick over the +touch-hole when you fired the gun. The Government was so pleased with +this explanation, that it ordered forty of the guns on the spot, at two +hundred thousand dollars apiece. The guns to be furnished as soon as +the war is over. + +The next weapon tried was Jink's double back-action revolving cannon +for ferry-boats. It consists of a heavy bronze tube, revolving on a +pivot, with both ends open, and a touch-hole in the middle. While one +gunner puts a load in at one end, another puts in a load at the other +end, and one touch-hole serves for both. Upon applying the match, the +gun is whirled swiftly round on a pivot, and both balls fly out in +circles, causing great slaughter on both sides. This terrible engine +was aimed at the target with great accuracy; but as the gunner has a +large family dependent on him for support, he refused to apply the +match. The Government was satisfied without firing, and ordered six of +the guns at a million of dollars apiece. The guns to be furnished in +time for our next war. + +The last weapon subjected to trial was a mountain howitzer of a new +pattern. The inventor explained that its great advantage was, that it +required no powder. In battle it is placed on the top of a high +mountain, and a ball slipped loosely into it. As the enemy passes the +foot of the mountain, the gunner in charge tips over the howitzer, and +the ball rolls down the side of the mountain into the midst of the +doomed foe. The range of this terrible weapon depends greatly on the +height of the mountain and the distance to its base. The Government +ordered forty of these mountain howitzers at a hundred thousand dollars +apiece, to be planted on the first mountains discovered in the enemy's +country. + +These are great times for gunsmiths, my boy; and if you find any old +cannon around the junk-shops, just send them along. + +There is much sensation in nautical circles arising from the immoral +conduct of the rebel privateers; but public feeling has been somewhat +easier since the invention of a craft for capturing the pirates, by an +ingenious Connecticut chap. Yesterday he exhibited a small model of it +at a cabinet meeting, and explained it thus: + +"You will perceive," says he to the President, "that the machine itself +will only be four times the size of the Great Eastern, and need not +cost over a few millions of dollars. I have only got to discover one +thing before I can make it perfect. You will observe that it has a +steam-engine on board. This engine works a pair of immense iron clamps, +which are let down into the water from the extreme end of a very +lengthy horizontal spar. Upon approaching the pirate, the captain +orders the engineer to put on steam. Instantly the clamps descend from +the end of the spar and clutch the privateer athwartships. Then the +engine is reversed, the privateer is lifted bodily out of the water, +the spar swings around over the deck, and the pirate ship is let down +into the hold by the run. Then shut your hatches, and you have ship and +pirates safe and sound." + +The President's gothic features lighted up beautifully at the words of +the great inventor; but in a moment they assumed an expression of +doubt, and says he: + +"But how are you going to manage, if the privateer fires upon you while +you are doing this?" + +"My dear sir," says the inventor, "I told you I had only one thing to +discover before I could make the machine perfect, and that's it." + +So you see, my boy, there's a prospect of our doing something on the +ocean next century, and there's only one thing in the way of our taking +in pirates by the cargo. + +Last evening a new brigadier-general, aged ninety-four years, made a +speech to Regiment Five, Mackerel Brigade, and then furnished each man +with a lead-pencil. He said that, as the Government was disappointed +about receiving some provisions it had ordered for the troops, those +pencils were intended to enable them to draw their rations as usual. I +got a very big pencil, my boy, and have lived on a sheet of paper ever +since. + +Yours, pensively, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XII. + +GIVING AN ABSTRACT OF A GREAT ORATOR'S FLAGGING SPEECH, AND RECORDING A +DEATHLESS EXPLOIT OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., September 8th, 1861. + +The weather in the neighborhood of Chain Bridge still continues to bear +hard on fat men, my boy, and the man who carries a big stomach around +with him will be a person in reduced circumstances before he gets to be +a colonel. The Brigadier-General of the Mackerel Brigade observed, the +other day, that he had been in hot water four weeks running, and +ordered me to work six hours in the trenches for not laughing at the +joke; he said that old Abe had people expressly to laugh at his jokes, +and had selected his Cabinet officers because they all had large +mouths, and could laugh easily; he said that he was resolved to have +his own jokes appreciated, and if he didn't, he'd be perditionized. +It's my impression--I say it's my impression, my boy, that the general +got off his best joke when he promised the Mackerel Brigade to look +after their interests as though they were his brothers. He may look +after them, my boy, but it's after they're out of sight. I don't say +that he takes advantage of us: but I know that just after a basket of +champagne was sent to the camp, directed to me, yesterday, I saw him +sitting on an empty basket in his tent, trying to wind up his watch +with a corkscrew. I asked him what time it was, and he said the +Conzstorshun must and shall be blockade--dade--did. I told him I +thought so myself, and he immediately burst into tears, and said he +should never see his mother again. + +On Tuesday, there was a rumor that the Southern Confederacy had +attacked at regiment at Alexandria, for the purpose of creating a +confusion, so that it might pick the colonel's pockets, and Regiment 5, +Mackerel Brigade, was ordered to go instantly to the rescue. Just as we +were ready to march, a distinguished citizen of Washington presented a +sword to the colonel from the ladies of the Capital, and made an +eloquent speech. He spoke of the wonderful manner in which the world +was called out of chaos at the creation, and spoke feelingly of the +Garden of Eden, and the fall of our first parents; he then went on to +review the many changes the earth had experienced since it was first +created, and described the method of the ancients to cook bread before +stoves were invented; he then spoke of the glories of Greece and Rome, +giving a full history of them from the beginning to the present time; +he then went on to describe the origin of the republican and democratic +parties, reading both platforms, and giving his ideas of Jackson's +policy; he then gave an account of the war of the Roses in England, and +the cholera in Persia, attributing the latter to a sudden change in the +atmosphere; he then went on to speak of the difficulties encountered by +Columbus in discovering this country, and gave a history of his +subsequent career and death in Europe; he then read an extract from +Washington's Farewell Address; in conclusion, he said that the ladies +of Washington had empowered him to present this here sword to that ere +gallant colonel, in the presence of these here brave defenders of their +country. + +At the conclusion of this speech, starvation commenced to make great +ravages in the regiment, and the colonel was so weak, for want of +sleep, that he had to be carried to his tent. A private remarked to me, +that, if we could only have one more such presentation speech as that, +the regiment would be competent to start a grave-yard before it was +finished. I believe him, my boy! + +When the presentation was finished, the colonel announced from his +camp-bedstead that the rumor of a fight at Alexandria was all a hum, +and ordered us back to our tents. We hadn't been to our tents for such +a long time, that some of us couldn't find them, and one of our boys +actually wandered around until he found himself at home in New York. + +The Mackerel Brigade, my boy, had a great engagement yesterday, and +came very near repulsing the enemy. We were ordered to march forward in +three columns, until we came within five miles of the enemy, Colonel +Wobbles leading the first; Mr. Wobbles, the second; and Wobbles, the +third. In the advance our lines presented the shape of a clam-shell, +but as we neared the point of danger, they gradually assumed more of +the form of a cone, the rear-guard being several times as thick as the +advance guard. When within six miles of the seceshers, we planted our +battery of four six pounders, and opened a horrible fire of shot and +shell on the adjacent country. The seceshers replied with a hail of +canister and shrapnell, and for eight hours the battle raged fearfully, +but without hurting anybody, as the hostile forces were too far apart +to reach each other with shot. Finally, Colonel Wobbles sent a +messenger, by railroad, to ask the seceshers what they wanted, and they +said they only wanted to be let alone. On receiving this reply, Colonel +Wobbles was much affected, and ordered us to march back to camp, which +we did. + +This affair was really a great victory for the Union, my boy, and I +cannot refrain from giving short biographical sketches of the leaders +concerned in it, commencing with + + COLONEL WOBBLES. + + This gallant officer, on whom the eyes of the whole world are now + turned, was born at an exceedingly early age, in the place of his + nativity. When but a mere boy, he evinced a fondness for the law, + and his father, who was his mother's husband, placed him in the + office of the late Daniel Webster. He practised law for some years, + but failed to find any clients, and finally started a grocery store + under Jackson's administration. At this time, Calhoun's peculiar + views were agitating Christendom, and Mr. Wobbles married a + daughter of the late John Thomas, by whom he had no children. When + the war broke out in Mexico, he left the grocery business, and + opened a liquor store on the estate of the late J. Smith, and + accumulated sufficient money to send his family into the country. + Colonel Wobbles is now about eighty-five years old. + + + MR. WOBBLES. + + This heroic young officer, now attracting so much attention, drew + his first breath among the peaceful scenes of home, from which the + captious might have augured anything but a soldier's destiny for + him. While yet very young, he was remarkable for his proficiency in + making dirt-pies, and went to school with the sons of the late Mr. + Jones. In 1846, he did not graduate at West Point; but when the war + broke out between Mexico and the United States, he married a niece + of the late Daniel Webster. It was also at this period of his + eventful career that he first became a husband, and shortly after + the birth of his eldest child, it was rumored that he had also + become a father. He entered the present war as a military man. He + is now but forty years old. + + + WOBBLES. + + This noble patriot soldier, whose name is now a household word all + over the world, was reared from infancy in the village of his + birth, and took a prominent part in the meals of his family. While + yet a youth, the Florida war broke out, and he attended the + high-school of the late Mr. Brown. On arriving of age, he was just + twenty-one years old, and was not a student at West Point. Shortly + after this event, he married a cousin of the late Daniel Webster, + and during the Mexican War he had one child, who still bears his + father's name. Wobbles is now sixty years old. + +You will observe, my boy, that these noble officers have merited the +commissions of brigadier-generals, and if they don't get them they'll +resign. Colonel Wobbles told me this morning, that if he resigned the +army would all go to pieces. I believe him, my boy!--field pieces. + +Yours, biographically, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XIII. + +SUBMITTING VARIOUS RUMORS CONCERNING THE CONDITION OF THINGS AT THE +SOUTH, WITH A SKETCH OF A LIGHT SKELETON REGIMENT AND A NOTE OF VILLIAM +BROWN'S RECRUITING EXPLOIT. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., September 20th, 1861. + +There is every indication that something is about to occur, which, when +it does transpire, my boy, will undoubtedly give rise to the rumor that +a certain thing has happened. It was observed in military circles +yesterday, that General McClellan ordered a new pair of boots to be +forwarded immediately from New York, and from this it is justly +inferred that the Chain Bridge will be attacked by the rebels in force +very shortly. + +A gentleman who has just arrived from the South to purchase some +postage-stamps, states that the rebel army is in an awful condition, +and will starve to death as soon as Beauregard gives the order. At +Richmond, ice-cream was selling for a hundred dollars a quart, +gum-drops at sixty dollars an ounce, Brandreth's Pills at forty-two +dollars and a half a box, Spaulding's Prepared Glue at twenty dollars +a pint, and Mrs. Winslow's Soothing Syrup at four hundred dollars a +bottle. In consequence of the sudden approach of fall and the renewed +stringency of the blockade, there are no strawberries to be had, and +the First Families are subsisting entirely upon persimmons. Should +the winter prove cold, the Southerners to a man will be compelled to +wear much thicker clothing, and it is anticipated that many of them +will take cold. _De lunatico inquirendo_ has broken out among the +rebel troops at Manassas Junction, in consequence of insufficient +accommodation, and the hospitals are so full of patients that +numerous sufferers may be seen bulging out of the windows. + +The same gentleman thinks that Beauregard will be obliged to attack +Washington at once, or resign his commission and go to the Dry Tortugas +with his whole army. They are called the _Dry_ Tortugas, my boy, +because not a cocktail was ever known to be raised there. + +A perfectly reliable but respectable person arrived here yesterday from +Paris, and brings highly important intelligence from North Carolina. He +has been permitted to sleep with a gentleman formerly residing in that +State, and his report is credited by the Administration. Nearly all the +people of North Carolina are devoted Union men at heart, and would +gladly rally around the old flag, if it were not for the fact that +nearly all the rest of the people of the State are secessionists and +won't let them. In a town of 750 inhabitants, 748 and a half (one small +boy) are determined Unionists; but the remainder, who are brutal +traitors, have seized all the arms in the place, and threaten all who +oppose them with instant death. At Raleigh, a mob consisting of three +secessionists, has seized the post-office and all the letters of marque +found in it. Marque has fled from the State. Since the victory of +Hatteras Inlet, the Union men have taken courage, and say, that if the +Government will send two hundred thousand men to their assistance, and +seventy-five rifled cannon, they can expel their oppressors in a few +years. These true patriots must be instantly assisted, or a decimated +and infuriated people will demand the expulsion of the entire Cabinet, +and an entirely new issue of contracts for shoddy. In the interior of +North Carolina there has been a rising of slaves. In fact, they rise +every morning very early. From this the _Tribune_ report of a negro +insurrection originated. + +I formed a new acquaintance the other day, my boy, in the shape of the +Calcium Light Regiment, which is now ready to receive a few more +recruits. The Calcium Light Regiment was born in Boston, near Bunker +Hill Monument, and is now about sixty-five years old. He has become +greatly demoralized from going without his rations for some days past, +and is what may be called a skeleton regiment. He says that if he goes +without them much longer, he'll soon be as light as a 12-inch comet, +and won't need much calcium to blind the enemy to his presence. He's +_very_ light, my boy, and his features are so sharp that he might be +used to spike a cannon with. The Calcium Light Regiment was recruited +at great expense in New York, and went into camp on Riker's Island, +until Secretary Cameron ordered his colonel to bring him on immediately +for the defence of Washington. The regiment has three officers, and +will elect the others as soon as his voice is strong enough. He says +that he is a regiment of 1,000 men; he says that 1,000 is simply the +figure 1 and three ciphers, and that he represents the 1, and his three +officers the three ciphers. + +I believe him, my boy! + +Villiam Brown, of Regiment 5, Mackerel Brigade, asked his colonel last +week for leave to go to New York on recruiting service, and got it. He +came back to-day, and says the colonel to him: + +"Where's your recruits?" + +Villiam smiled sweetly, and remarked that he didn't see it. + +"Why, you went to New York on recruiting service, didn't you?" +exclaimed the colonel. + +"Yes," says Villiam, "I went to recruit my health." + +The colonel immediately administered the Oath to him. The Oath, my boy, +tastes well with lemon in it. + +The women of America, my boy, are noble creatures, and do not forget +the brave soldiers of the Union. They have just sent the Mackerel +Brigade a case of umbrellas, and we expect a gross of hair-pins by the +next train. + +Yours, meditatively, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XIV. + +SHOWING HOW OUR CORRESPONDENT MADE A SPEECH OF VAGUE CONTINUITY, AFTER +THE MODEL OF THE LATEST APPROVED STUMP ORATORY. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., September 30th, 1861. + +Another week has fled swiftly by, my boy, on those wings which poets +and other long-haired creatures suppose to be eternally flapping +through the imaginary atmosphere of time; yet the high old battle so +long expected has not got any further than "heavy firing near the Chain +Bridge," which takes place every afternoon punctually at three +o'clock--just in time for the evening papers. I have been thinking, my +boy, that if this heavy firing in the vicinity of Chain Bridge lasts a +few years longer, it will finally become a nuisance to the First +Families living in that vicinity. But sometimes what is thought to be +heavy firing is not that exactly; the other day, a series of loud +explosions were heard on Arlington Heights, and twenty-four reporters +immediately telegraphed to twenty-four papers that five hundred +thousand rebels had attacked our lines with two thousand rifled cannon, +and had been repulsed with a loss of fourteen thousand killed. Federal +loss--one killed, and two committed suicide. But when General McClellan +came to inquire into the cause of the explosions, this report was +somewhat modified: + +"What was that firing for?" he asked an orderly, who had just come over +the river. + +"If you please, sir," responded the sagacious animal, "there was no +firing at all. It was Villiam Brown, of Regiment 5, Mackerel Brigade, +which has a horrible cold, and sneezes in that way." + +Villiam has since been ordered to telegraph to the War Department +whenever he sneezes, so that no more of these harrowing mistakes may be +made. + +Last night, my boy, an old rooster from Cattaraugus, who wants a +one-horse post-office, and thinks I've got some influence with Abe the +Venerable, brought six big Dutchmen to serenade me; and, as soon I +opened the window to damn them, he called unanimously for a speech. At +this time, my boy, an immense crowd, consisting of two policemen and a +hackman, were drawn to the spot, and greeted me with great applause. +Feeling that their intentions were honorable, I could not bear to +disappoint my fellow-citizens, and so I was constrained to make the +following + + SPEECH. + + _Men of America_:--It is with feelings akin to emotion that I + regard this vast assemblage of Nature's noblemen, and reflect that + it comes to do honor to me, who have only performed my duty. + Gentlemen, my heart is full; as the poet says: + + "The night shall be filled with burglars, + And the chaps that infest the day + Shall pack up their duds like peddlers, + And carry the spoons away." + + It seems scarcely five minutes ago that this vast and otherwise + large country sprung from chaos at the call of Columbus, and + immediately commenced to produce wooden nutmegs for a foreign + shore. It seems but three seconds ago that all this beautiful scene + was a savage wild, and echoed the axe-falls of the sanguinary + pioneer, and the footfalls of the Last of the Mohicans. Now what do + I see before me? A numerous assembly of respectable Dutchmen, and + other Americans, all ready to prove to the world that + + "Truth crushed to earth shall rise again, + The immortal ears of jack are hers; + But Sarah languishes in pain + And dyes, amid her worshipers." + + I am convinced, fellow-citizens, that the present outrageous war is + no ordinary row, and that it cannot be brought to a successful + termination without some action on the part of the Government. If + to believe that a war cannot rage without being prosecuted, is + abolitionism, then I am an abolitionist; if to believe that a good + article of black ink can be made out of black men, is + republicanism, then I am a republican; but we are all brothers now, + except that fat Dutchman, who has gone to sleep on his drum, and I + pronounce him an accursed secessionist: + + "How doth the little busy bee + Improve each shining hour, + And gathers beeswax all the day, + From every opening flower." + + Men of America, shall these things longer be?--I address myself + particularly to that artist with the accordeon, who don't + understand a word of English--shall these things longer be? That's + what I want to know. The majestic shade of Washington listens for + an answer, and I intend to send it by mail as soon as I receive it. + Fellow citizens, it can no longer be denied that there is treason + at our very hearthstones. Treason--merciful Heavens! + + "Come rest in this bosom, my own little dear, + The Honourable R. M. T. Hunter is here; + I know not, I care not, if jilt's in that heart, + I but know that I love thee, whatever thou art." + + And now the question arises, is Morrill's tariff really a benefit + to the country? Gentlemen, it would be unbecoming in me to answer + this question, and you would be incapable of understanding what I + might say on the subject. The present is no time to think about + tariffs: our glorious country is in danger, and there is a tax of + three per cent on all incomes over eight hundred dollars. Let each + man ask himself in Dutch: "Am I prepared to shoulder my musket if I + am drafted, or to procure a reprobate to take my place?" In other + words: + + "The minstrel returned from the war, + With insects at large in his hair, + And having a tuneful catarrh, + He sung through his nose to his fair." + + Therefore, it is simply useless to talk reason to those traitors, + who forget the words of Jackson--words, let me add, which I myself + do not remember. Animated by an unholy lust for arsenals, rifled + cannon, and mints, and driven to desperation by the thought that + Everett is preparing a new Oration on Washington, and Morris a new + song on a young woman living up the Hudson River, they are + overturning the altars of their country and issuing treasury bonds, + which cannot be justly called objects of interest. What words can + express the horrors of such unnatural crime? + + "Oft in the chilly night, + When slumber's chains have bound me, + Soft Mary brings a light, + And puts a shawl around me." + + Such, fellow-citizens, is the condition of our unhappy country at + present, and as soon as it gets any better I will let you know. An + Indian once asked a white man for a drink of whisky. "No!" said the + man, "you red skins are just ignorant enough to ruin yourselves + with liquor." The sachem looked calmly into the eyes of the + insulter, as he retorted: "You say I am ignorant. How can that be + when I am a well-red man?" + + And so it is, fellow-citizens, with this Union at present, though I + am not able to show exactly where the parallel is. Therefore, + + "Let us then be up and wooing, + With a heart for any mate, + Still proposing, still pursuing, + Learn to court her, and to wait." + +At the conclusion of this unassuming speech, my boy, I was waited upon +by a young man, who asked me if I did not want to purchase some poetry; +he had several yards to sell, and warranted it to wash. + +Yours, particularly, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XV. + +WHEREIN WILL BE FOUND THE PARTICULARS OF A VISIT TO A SUSPECTED +NEWSPAPER OFFICE, AND SO ON. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., October 2d, 1861. + +This is a time, my boy, when it is the duty of every American citizen +to make himself into a committee of safety, for the good of the +republic, and make traitors smell the particular thunder of national +vengeance. The eagle, my boy, has spread his sanguinary wings for a +descent upon the bantams of secession; and if we permit his sublime +pinions to be burthened with the shackles of domestic sedition, we are +guilty of that which we do, and are otherwise liable to the charge of +committing that which we perform. These thoughts came to me yesterday, +after I had taken the Oath six times, and so overpowered me that I +again took the Oath, with a straw in it. Just then it struck me that +the _Daily Union_, published near Alexandria, ought to be suppressed +for its treason; and I immediately started for the office, with an +intention to offer personal violence to the editor. I found him +examining a cigar through the bottom of a tumbler, whilst on the desk +beside him lay the first "proof" of + + THE EDITOR'S WOOING. + + We love thee, Ann Maria Smith, + And in thy condescension, + We see a future full of joys + Too numerous to mention. + + There's Cupid's arrow in thy glance, + That by thy love's coercion + Has reached our melting heart of hearts, + And asked for one insertion. + + With joy we feel the blissful smart, + And ere our passion ranges, + We freely place thy love upon + The list of our exchanges. + + There's music in thy lowest tone, + And silver in thy laughter; + And truth--but we will give the full + Particulars hereafter. + + Oh! we could tell thee of our plans + All obstacles to scatter; + But we are full just now, and have + A press of other matter. + + Then let us marry, Queen of Smiths, + Without more hesitation; + The very thought doth give our blood + A larger circulation! + +When the editor noticed my presence, he scowled so that his spectacles +dropped off. + +"Ha, my fine little fellow," says he, hastily; "I don't want to buy any +poetry to-day." + +"Don't fret yourself, my venerable cherub," says I; "I don't deal in +poetry at present. I just came here to tell you that if you don't stop +writing treason, I'll suppress you in the name of the United States." + +"You're a mudsill mob," says he; "and I don't allow no violent mobs +around this office. I am an American citizen, and I won't stand no +mobs. What does the Constitution say about newspapers? Why, the +Constitution don't say anything about them; so you've got no +Constitutional authority for mobbing me." + +"Then take the Oath," says I. + +He looked at me for a moment, and then passed me a small black bottle. +I held it up over my eyes for some time, to see if it was perfectly +straight, and he remarked that if all Northerners took the Oath as +freely as I did, they must be a water-proof conglomeration of patriots. +I believe him, my boy! + +The Mackerel Brigade has established a cookery department for itself, +and is using a stove recently patented by the colonel of Regiment 5. +This stove is a miraculous invention, and has already made fortunes for +six cooks and a scullion. You put a shilling's worth of wood into it, +which first cooks your meat and then turns into two shilling's worth of +charcoal; so you make a shilling every time you kindle a fire. + +Yesterday, a gentleman, brought up to the oyster-trade, and who has +made several voyages on the Brooklyn ferry-boats, exhibited the model +of a new gun-boat to the Secretary of the Navy. He said its great +advantage was that it could easily be taken to pieces; and the +Secretary was just going to order seventy-five for use in Central Park, +when it leaked out that when once the gun-boat was taken to pieces +there was no way of putting it together again. Only for this, my boy, +we might have a gun-boat in every cistern. + +Yours, nautically, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XVI. + +INTRODUCING THE GOTHIC STEED, PEGASUS, AND THE REMARKABLE GERMAN +CAVALRY FROM THE WEST. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., October 6th, 1861. + +The horse, my boy, is an animal in which I have taken a deep interest +ever since the day on the Union Course, when I bet ten dollars that the +"Pride of the Canal" would beat "Lady Clamcart," and was compelled to +leave my watch with Mr. Simpson on the following morning. The horse, my +boy, is the swarthy Arab's bosom friend, the red Indian's solitary +companion, and the circus proprietor's salvation. One of these noble +animals was presented to me last week, by an old-maid relative whose +age I once guessed to be "about nineteen." The glorious gift was +accompanied by a touching letter, my boy; she honored my patriotism, +and the self-sacrificing spirit that had led me to join the gallant +Mackerel Brigade, and get a furlough as soon as a rebel picket +appeared; she loved me for my mother's sake, and as she happened to +have ten shillings about her, she thought she would buy a horse with it +for me. Mine, affectionately, Tabitha Turnips. + +Ah, woman! glorious woman! what should we do without thee? All our +patriotism is but the inspiration of thy proud love, and all our money +is but the few shillings left after thou hast got through buying new +bonnets. Oh! woman--thoughtful woman! the soldier thanks thee for +sending him pies and cakes that turn sour before they leave New York; +but, for heaven's sake don't send any more havelocks, or there'll be a +crisis in the linen market. It's a common thing for a sentry to report +"eighty thousand more havelocks from the women of America;" and then +you ought to hear the Brigadier of the Mackerel Brigade cuss! +"Jerusalem!" says he, "if any more havelocks come this afternoon, tell +them that I've gone out and won't be back for three weeks. Thunder!" +says he, "there's enough havelocks in this here deadly tented field to +open a brisk trade with Europe, and if the women of America keep on +sending them, I'm d--d if I don't start a night-cap shop." The general +is a profane patriarch, my boy, and takes the Oath hot. The Oath, my +boy, is improved by nutmeg and a spoon. + +But to return to the horse which woman's generosity has made me own--me +be-yuteous steed. The beast, my boy, is fourteen hands high, fourteen +hands long, and his sagacious head is shaped like an old-fashioned +pick-axe. Viewed from the rear, his style of architecture is gothic, +and he has a gable-end, to which his tail is attached. His eyes, my +boy, are two pearls, set in mahogany, and before he lost his sight, +they were said to be brilliant. I rode down to the Patent Office, the +other day, and left him leaning against a post, while I went inside to +transact some business. Pretty soon the Commissioner of Patents came +tearing in like mad, and says he: + +"I'd like to know whether this is a public building belonging to the +United States, or a second-hand auction-shop." + +"What mean you, sirrah?" I asked majestically. + +"I mean," says he, "that some enemy to his country has gone and stood +an old mahogany umbrella-stand right in front of this office." + +To the disgrace of his species be it said, my boy, he referred to the +spirited and fiery animal for which I am indebted to woman's +generosity. I admit that when seen at a distance, the steed somewhat +resembles an umbrella-stand; but a single look into his pearly eyes is +enough to prove his relations with the animal kingdom. + +I have named him Pegasus, in honor of Tupper, and when I mount him, +Villiam Brown, of Company 3, Regiment 5, Mackerel Brigade, says that I +remind him of Santa Claus sitting astride the roof of a small gothic +cottage, holding on by the chimney. Villiam is becoming rather too +familiar, my boy, and I hope he'll be shot at an early day. + +Yesterday the army here was reenforced with a regiment of fat German +cavalry from the West, under the command of Colonel Wobert Wobinson, +who has had great experience in keeping a livery-stable. Their animals +are well calculated to turn the point of a sword, and are of the +high-backed fluted pattern, very glossy at the joints. I saw one of the +dragoons cracking nuts on the backbone of the Arabian he rode, and +asked him about how much such an animal was worth without the fur? He +considered for a moment and then remarked that nix fustay and +dampfnoodle, though many believed that swei glass und sweitzerkase; but +upon the whole, it was nix cumarouse and apple-dumplings, +notwithstanding the fact that yawpy, yawpy, betterish. Singular to +relate, my boy, I had arrived at the very same conclusion before I +asked him the question. + +Colonel Wobert Wobinson reviewed the regiment near Chain Bridge this +morning, and each horse used about an acre to turn around in. Just +before the order to "charge" was given, the orderly sergeant kindled a +fire under each horse, and when the charge commenced, only about six of +the animals laid down. Colonel Wobinson remarked that these six horses +were in favor of peace, and refused to fight against their Southern +brethren. I told him I thought that the peace breed had longer ears; +and he said that that kind had been very scarce since the Government +commenced appointing its foreign consuls. + +Yours, hoarsely, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XVII. + +NOTING A NEW VICTORY OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE IN VIRGINIA, AND +ILLUSTRATING THE PECULIAR THEOLOGY OF VILLIAM BROWN; WITH SOME MENTION +OF THE SHARPSHOOTERS. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., October 18th, 1861. + +At an early hour yesterday morning, while yet the dew was on the grass, +and on everything else green enough to be out at that matinal hour, my +boy, I saddled my gothic steed Pegasus, and took a trot for the benefit +of my health. Having eaten a whole straw bed and a piece of an +Irishman's shoulder during the night, my architectural beast was in +great spirits, my boy, and as he snuffed the fresh air and unfurled the +remnants of his warlike tail to the breeze of heaven, I was reminded of +that celebrated Arabian steed which had such a contempt for the speed +of all other horses that he never would run with them--in fact, my boy, +he never would run at all. + +Having struck a match on that rib of Pegasus which was most convenient +to my hand, I lit a cigar, and dropped the match, still burning, into +the right ear of my fiery charger. Something of this kind is always +necessary to make the sagacious animal start; but when once I get his +mettle up he never stops, unless he happens to hear some crows cawing +in the air just above his venerable head. I am frequently glad that +Pegasus has lost his eyesight, my boy; for could he see the expression +on the faces of some of these same crows, when they get near enough to +squint along his backbone, it would wound his sensibilities fearfully. + +On this occasion he carried me, at a speed of 2.40 hours a mile, to a +point just this side of Alexandria, where the sound of heavy +cannonading and cursing made me pause. At first, my boy, I remembered +an engagement I had in Washington, and was about to hasten back; but +while I was pressing the lighted end of my cigar to the side of +Pegasus, to make him turn, Colonel Wobert Wobinson, of the Western +Cavalry, came walking toward me from a piece of woods on my right, and +informed me that ten of his men had just been attacked by fourteen +thousand rebels, with twenty columbiads. "The odds," says he, "is +rather heavy; but our cause is the noblest the world ever knew, and if +my brave boys do not vanquish the unnatural foe, an indignant and +decimated people will at once call upon the Cabinet to resign." + +I told him that I thought I had read something like that in the +_Tribune_; but he didn't seem to hear me. + +By this time the cannonading had commenced to subside, and as I trotted +alongside of Colonel Wobinson toward the field of battle, I asked him +what he had done with his horse. He replied, that while on his way to +the field, his sagacious beast had observed a hay-stack, and was so +entranced with the vision that he refused to go a step further; so he +had to leave him there. + +Upon reaching the scene of strife, my boy, we discovered that the ten +Western Cavalry men had routed the rebels, killing four regiments, +which were all carried away by their comrades, and capturing six +columbiads, which were also carried away. On our side nobody was killed +nor wounded. In fact, two of our men, who went into the fight sick with +the measles, were entirely cured, and captured four good surgeons. I +must state, however, my boy, that although nobody was killed or wounded +on our side, there was one man missing. It seems that when he found the +balls flying pretty thickly about his ears, he formed himself into a +hollow-square, my boy, and retreated in good order into the neighboring +bushes. He formed himself into a hollow-square by bending gently +forward until his hands touched the ground, and made his retrograde +movement on all-fours. Colonel Wobinson remarked that this style of +forming a hollow-square was an intensely-immense thing on Hardee. + +I believe him, my boy! + +The women of America, my boy, are a credit to the America eagle, and a +great expense to their husbands and fathers, but they don't exactly +understand the most pressing wants of the soldier. For instance, a +young girl, about seventy-five years of age, has been sending ten +thousand pious tracts to the Mackerel Brigade, and the consequence is, +that the air around the camp has been full of spit-balls for a week. +These tracts, my boy, are very good for dying sinners and other +Southerners, but I'd rather have Bulwer's novels for general reading. +Villiam Brown, of Company 3, Regiment 5, got one of them the other day, +headed, "Who is your Father?" The noble youth read the question over +once or twice, and then dashed the publication to the ground, and took +some tobacco to check his emotions. (That brave youth's father, my boy, +is a disgrace to his species; he has been sinking deeper and deeper in +shame for some months past, until at last his name has got on the +Mozart Hall ticket.) I saw that Villiam didn't understand what the +tract really meant, and so I explained to him that it was intended to +signify that God was his Father. The gifted young soldier looked at me +dreamily for a moment, and then says he: + +"God is my Father!" says he. "Well, now I am hanged if that ain't +funny; for, whenever mother spoke of dad, she always called him 'the +old devil!'" + +Villiam never went to Sabbath-school, my boy, and his knowledge of +theology wouldn't start a country-church. + +Wishing to find out if he knew anything about catechism, I asked him, +last Sunday afternoon, if he knew who Moses was. + +"Yes," says he, "I know him very well; he sells old clothes in Chatham +street." + +I went over to Virginia the other day to review Berdan's Sharpshooters, +and was much astonished, my boy, at their wonderful skill with the +rifle. The target is a little smaller than the side of a barn, with a +hole through the centre exactly the size of a bullet. They set this up, +my boy, just six hundred yards away, and fire at it in turn. After +sixty of them had fired, I went with them to the target, but couldn't +see that it had been hit by a single bullet. I remarked this to the +captain, whereupon he looked pityingly at me, and says he: + +"Do you see that hole in the bull's eye, just the size of a bullet?" + +I allowed that I did. + +"Well," says he, "the bullets all went through that hole." + +Now I don't mean to say that the captain lied, my boy; but it's my +opinion--my private opinion, my boy, that if he ever writes a work of +fiction, it will sell! + +La Mountain has been up in his balloon, and went so high that he could +see all the way to the Gulf of Mexico, and observe what they had for +dinner at Fort Pickens. He made discoveries of an important character, +my boy, and says that the rebels have concentrated several troops at +Manassas. A reporter of the _Tribune_ asked him if he could see any +negro insurrections, and he said that he _did_ see some black spots +moving around near South Carolina, but found out afterward that they +were some ants which had got into his telescope. + +The Prince de Joinville's two sons, my boy, are admirable additions to +General McClellan's staff, and speak English so well that I can almost +understand what they say. Two Arabs are expected here tomorrow to take +command of Irish brigades, and General Blenker will probably have two +Aztecs to assist him in his German division. + +Yours, musingly, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XVIII. + +DESCRIBING THE TERRIBLE DEATH AND MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCE OF A +CONFEDERATE PICKET, WITH A TRIBUTE TO HIS MEMORY. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., October 28th, 1861. + +My head swells with patriotic pride when I casually remark that the +Mackerel Brigade occupy the post of honor to the left of Bull Run, +which they also left on the day we celebrated. The banner which was +presented to us by the women of America, and which it took the orator +of the day six hours and forty minutes to describe to us, we are using +in the shape of blazing neck-ties; and when the hard-up sun of Virginia +shines upon the glorious red bands around the sagacious necks of our +veterans, they all look as though they had just cut their throats. The +effect is gory, my boy--extremely gory and respectable. + +At the special request of Secretary Seward, who wrote six letters about +it to the Governors of all the States, I have been appointed a picket +of the army of the Upper Potomac. In your natural ignorance, my boy, +you may not know why a man is called a picket. He is called a picket, +my boy, because, if anybody drops a pocket-book or a watch anywhere, +his natural gifts would cause him to pick-it up. If he saw a pocket, he +would not pick-it--oh, no! But pick-it--picket. + +The Picket, my boy, has been an institution ever since wars began, and +his perils are spoken of by some of the high old poets in these +beautiful lines: + + "The chap thy tactics doom to bleed to-day-- + Had he thy reasons, would he poker play? + Pleased to the last, he does a deal of good, + And licks the man just sent to shed his blood." + +I am weeping, my boy. + +While on my lonely beat, about an hour ago, a light tread attracted my +attention, and looking up, I beheld one of secesh's pickets standing +before me. + +"Soldier," says he, "you remind me of my grandmother, who expired +before I was born; but this unnatural war has made us enemies, and I +must shoot you. Give me a chaw terbacker." + +He was a young man, my boy, in the prime of life, and descended from +the First Families of Virginia. + +I looked at him, and says I: + +"Let's compromise, my brother." + +"Never!" says he. "The South is fighting for her liberty, her +firesides, and the pursuit of happiness, and I desire most respectfully +to welcome you with bloody hands to a hospitable grave." + +"Stand off ten paces," says I, "and let's see whose name shall come +before the coroner first." + +He took his place, and we fired simultaneously. I heard a ball go +whistling by a barn about a quarter of a mile on my right; and, when +the smoke cleared away, I saw the secesh picket approaching me with an +awful expression of woe on his otherwise dirty countenance. + +"Soldier," says he, "was there anything in my head before you fired?" + +"Nothing," says I, "save a few harmless insects." + +"I speak not of them," says he. "Was there anything _inside_ of my +head?" + +"Nothing!" says I. + +"Well," says he, "just listen now." + +He shook his head mournfully, and I heard something rattle in it. + +"What's that?" I exclaimed. + +"That," says he, "is your bullet, which has penetrated my skull, and is +rolling about in my brain. I die happy, and with an empty stomach; but +there is one thing I should like to see before I perish for my country. +Have you a quarter about you?" + +Too much affected to speak, I drew the coin from my pocket and handed +it to him. + +The dying man clutched it convulsively, and stared at it feverishly. + +"This," said he, "is the first quarter I've seen since the fall of +Sumter; and, had I wounded you, I should have been totally unable to +give you any quarter. Ah! how beautiful it is! how bright, how +exquisite, and good for four drinks! But I have not time to say all I +feel." + +The expiring soldier then laid down his gun, hung his cap and overcoat +on a branch of a tree, and blew his nose. + +He then died. + +And there I stood, my boy, on that lonely beat, looking down on that +fallen type of manhood, and thinking how singular it was he had +forgotten to give me back my quarter. + +As I looked upon him there, I could not help thinking to myself, "here +is another whose home shall know him no more." + +The sight and the thought so affected me, that I was obliged to turn my +back on the corpse and walk a little way from it. When I returned to +the spot, the body was gone! Had it gone to Heaven? Perhaps so, my +boy--perhaps so; but I hav'n't seen my quarter since. + +Your own picket, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XIX. + +NOTICING THE ARRIVAL OF A SOLID BOSTON MAN WITH AN UNPRECEDENTED +LITERARY PRIZE, AND SHOWING HOW VILLIAM BROWN WAS TRIUMPHANTLY +PROMOTED. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., November --, 1861. + +Having just made a luscious breakfast, my boy, on some biscuit +discovered amid the ruins of Herculaneum, and purchased expressly for +the grand army by a contracting agent for the Government, I take a sip +of coffee from the very boot in which it was warmed, and hasten to pen +my dispatch. + +On Wednesday morning, my boy, the army here was reenforced by a very +fat man from Boston, who said he'd been used to Beacon street all the +days of his life, and considered the State House somewhat superior to +St. Peter's at Rome. He was a very fat man, my boy: eight hands high, +six and a half hands thick, and his head looked like a full moon +sinking in the west at five o'clock in the morning. He said he joined +the army to fight for the Union, and cure his asthma, and Colonel +Wobert Wobinson thoughtfully remarked, that he thought he could grease +a pretty long bayonet without feeling uncomfortable. This fat man, my +boy, was leaning down to clean his boots just outside of a tent, when +the General of the Mackerel Brigade happened to come along, and got a +back view of him. + +"Thunder!" says the general, stopping short; "who's been sending +artillery into camp?" + +"There's no artillery here, my boy," says I. + +"Well," says he, "then what's the gun-carriage doing here?" + +I explained to him that what he took for a gun-carriage was a fat +patriot blacking his boots; and he said that he be dam. + +Soon after the arrival of this solid Boston man, my boy, I noticed that +he always carried about with him, suspended by a strap under his right +arm, something carefully wrapped in oilskin. He was sitting with me in +my room at Willard's the other evening, and says I to him: + +"What's that you hug so much, my Plymouth Rocker?" + +He nervously clutched his treasure, and says he: + +"It's an unpublished poem of the Honorable Edward, which I found in a +very old album in Beacon street. It's an immortal and unpublished +poem," says he, fondly taking a roll of manuscript from the oilskin +wrapper,--"by the greatest and most silent statesman of the age. +You'll recognize the style at once.--Listen-- + + "ADVICE TO A MAID. + + "Perennial maiden, thou art no less fair + Than those whose fairness barely equals thine; + And like a cloud on Athos is thy hair, + Touched with Promethean fire to make it shine + Above the temple of a soul divine; + And yet, methinks, it doth resemble, too, + The strands Berenice 'mid the stars doth twine, + As Mitchell's small Astronomy doth show; + Procure the book, dear maid, when to the town you go. + + "Young as thou art, thou might'st be younger still, + If divers years were taken from thy life: + And who shall say, if marry man you will, + You may not prove some man's own wedded wife? + Such things do happen in this worldly strife, + If they take place--that is, if they are done; + For with warm love this earthly dream is rife-- + And where love shines there always is a sun-- + As I remark in my Oration upon Washington. + + "Supposing thou dost marry, thou wilt yearn + For that which thou dost want; in fact, desire-- + The wisdom shaped for older heads to learn, + And well designed to tame Youth's giddy fire: + The wisdom, conflicts with the world inspire, + Such as, perchance, I may myself possess, + Though I am but a man, as was my sire, + And own not wisdom such as gods may bless; + For man is naught, and naught is nothingness. + + "Still, I may tell thee all that I do know, + And telling that, tell all I comprehend; + Since all man hath is all that he can show, + And what he hath not, is not his to lend. + Therefore, young maid, if you will but attend, + You shall hear that which shall salute your ear; + But if you list not, I my breath shall spend + Upon the zephyrs wandering there and here, + The far-off hearing less, perhaps, than those more near. + + "Remember this: thou art thy husband's wife, + And he the mortal thou art married to; + Else, thou fore'er hadst led a single life, + And he had never come thy heart to woo. + Rememb'ring this, do thou remember, too, + He is thy bridegroom, thou his chosen bride; + And if unto his side thou provest true, + Then thou wilt be for ever at his side; + As Tacitus observes, with some degree of pride. + + "See that his buttons to his shirts adhere, + As Trojan Hector to the walls of Troy; + And see that not, Achilles-like, appear + Rents in his stocking-heels; but be your joy + To have his wardrobe all your thoughts employ, + Save such deep thought as may, in duty given, + Suit to his tastes his dinners; nor annoy + Digestion's tenor in its progress even; + Then his the joy of Harvard, Boston, and high Heaven. + + "If a bread-pudding thou wouldst fondly make-- + A thing nutritious, but no costly meal-- + Of bread that's stale a due proportion take, + And soak in water warm enough to feel; + Then add a strip or two of lemon-peel, + With curdled milk and raisins to your taste, + And stir the whole with ordinary zeal, + Until the mass becomes a luscious paste. + Such pudding strengthens man, and doth involve no waste. + + "See thou thy husband's feet are never wet-- + For wet brings cold, and colds such direful aches + As old Parrhasius never felt when set + On cruel racks or slow impaling stakes. + Make him abstain, if sick, from griddle-cakes-- + They, being rich, his stomach might derange-- + And if in thin-soled shoes a walk he takes, + See that his stockings he doth quickly change. + Thus should thy woman's love through woman's duties range. + + "And now, fair maiden, all the stars grow pale, + And teeming Nature drinks the morning dews; + And I must hasten to my Orient vale, + And quick put on a pair of over-shoes. + If from my words your woman's heart may choose + To find a guidance for a future way, + The Olympian impulse and the lyric muse + In such approval shall accept their pay. + And so, good-day, young girl--ah me! oh my! good-day. + + "EDWARD EVERDEVOURED." + +As the solid Boston man finished reading this useful poem, he looked +impressively at me, and says he: + +"There's domestic eloquence for you! The Honorable Edward is liberal in +his views," says he, enthusiastically, "and treats his subject with +some latitude." + +"Yes," says I, thoughtfully, "but they call it Platitude, sometimes." + +He didn't hear me, my boy. + +It is with raptures, my boy, that I record the promotion of Villiam +Brown, Company 3, Regiment 5, Mackerel Brigade, to the rank of Captain, +with the privilege of spending half his time in New York, and the rest +of it on Broadway. Villiam left the army of the Upper Potomac to pass +his examination here, and the Board of Examiners report that he +reminded them of Napoleon, and made them feel sorry for the Duke of +Wellington. One of the questions they asked him was: + +"Suppose your company was suddenly surrounded by a regiment of the +enemy, and you had a precipice in your rear, and twenty-seven hostile +batteries in front--what would you do?" + +Villiam thought a moment, and then says he: + +"I'd resign my commission, and write to my mother that I was coming +home to die in the spring-time." + +"Sensible patriot," says the Board. "Are you familiar with the history +of General Scott?" + +"You can bet on it," says Villiam, smiling like a sagacious angel; +"General Scott was born in Virginia when he was quite young, and +discovered Scotland at an early age. He licked the British in 1812, +wrote the Waverly Novels, and his son Whahae bled with Wallace. Now, +old hoss, trot out your commission and let's liquor." + +"Pause, fair youth," says the Board. "What makes you think that General +Scott had a son named 'Whahae'? We never heard that before." + +"Ha!" says Villiam, agreeably, "that's because you don't know poickry. +Why," says Villiam, "if you'll just turn to Burns' works, you'll learn +that + + "'Scot's wha' ha'e wi' Wallace bled,' + +"and if that ain't good authority, where's your Shakspeare?" + +The Board was so pleased with Villiam's learning, my boy, that it gave +him his commission, presented him with two gun-boats and a cannon, and +recommended him for President of the New York Historical Society. + +It was rumored in camp last night, that the army would go into +winter-quarters, and I asked Colonel Wobinson if he couldn't lend me a +few of the quarters in advance, as I felt like going in right away. He +explained to me that winter-quarters would only be taken in exchange +for Treasury Notes, and I withdrew my proposition for a popular loan. + +Yours, speculatively, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XX. + +CONCERNING A SIGNIFICANT BRITISH OUTRAGE, AND THE CAPTURE OF MASON AND +SLIDELL. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., November 24th, 1861. + +Mr. Seward, my boy, who takes the Oath with much sugar in it, and is +likewise Secretary of State, will probably write twenty-four letters to +all the Governors this week, in consequence of a recent outrage +committed by Great Britain. I may remark with great indignation, that +Great Britain is a member of one of the New York regiments, my boy, and +enlisted for the express purpose of stretching his legs. He is shaped +something like a barrel of ale, and has a chin that looks like an +apple-dumpling with a stitch in its side. As I rode slowly along near +Fort Corcoran, on my Gothic steed Pegasus, about an hour ago, admiring +the beauties of Nature, and smoking a pipe which was presented to me by +the Women of America, I espied Great Britain seated by the roadside, +contemplating an army biscuit. These biscuit, my boy, as I stated last +week, were discovered amid the ruins of Herculaneum, and were at first +taken for meteoric stones. + +"Good morning, old Neutrality," says I, affably, "You appear to be lost +in religious meditation." + +"Ah!" says he, sighing like the great behemoth of the Scriptures, "I +was thinking of the way of the transgressor. If the hinspired writers," +says he, "thought the way of the transgressor was 'ard, I wonder what +they'd think about this 'ere biscuit." + +"You're jealous of America," says I, "and it will be the painful duty +of the Union, the Constitution, and the Enforcement of the Law to +capture Canada, if you continue your abolition harangues against the +best, the most beneficent and powerful bread in the civilized world." + +"Bread!" says he, with a groan in three syllables, "do you call this +ere biscuit bread? Why," says he, "this ere biscuit is Geology, and if +it were in old Hingland, it would be taken for one of the Elgin +marbles, and placed in the British Museum." + +I need scarcely inform you, my boy, that after this ungenerous remark +of Great Britain, I left him contemptuously, and at once proceeded to +blockade a place where the Oath is furnished in every style. We have +borne with Great Britain a great while, my boy; but it is now time for +us to take Canada, and wipe every vestige of British tyranny from the +face of the Globe. The American eagle, my boy, flaps his dark wings +over the red-head of battle, and as his scarlet eyes rest for a moment +on the English Custom House, he softly whispers--he simply remarks--he +merely ejaculates--GORE! + +Americans! fellow-citizens! foreigners! and people of Boston! Shall we +longer allow the bloated British aristocracy to blight us with base +abolition proclivities, while Mr. Seward is capable of holding a pen? + + "Hail, blood and thunder! welcome, gentle Gore! + Let the loud hewgag shatter every shore! + High to the zenith let our eagle fly, + Ten thousand battles blazing in his eye! + Nail our proud standard to the Northern Pole, + Plant patent earthquakes in each foreign hole! + Shout havoc, murder, victory, and spoils, + Till all creation crouches in our toils! + Then, when the world to our behest is bent, + And takes the _Herald_ for its punishment, + We'll pin our banner to a comet's tail, + And shake the Heavens with a big 'ALL HAIL!'" + +That's the spirit of America, my boy, taken with nutmeg on top, and a +hollow straw. Very good for invalids. + +Next to the question concerning the capacity of gunboats for the +sweet-potato trade, my boy, the great topic of the day is the capture +of Slidell and Mason, whose arrest so pleased the colonel of the +Mackerel Brigade, that he got up at nine o'clock in the morning to tell +the President about it. + +In the year 1776, my boy, this Slidell sold candles in New York, and +was born about two years after the marriage of the elder Slidell. While +he was yet a young man, he went much into female society, and at length +offered his hand to a lady. Her father being a male, gave his consent +to the match, and on the day of the wedding, there was a fire in the +Seventh Ward. Since that time, Slidell has been a married man, and was +much respected until he got into the Senate. I get these facts from a +friend of the family, who has a set of silver spoons engraved with the +name of Slidell. + +The rebel Mason was born and bred in the United States, and has always +been a First Family. He says he was going to Europe on account of his +health. + +The capture of these men, my boy, cannot fail to produce a great +sensation in diplomatic circles, and I am informed by a reliable +gentleman from Weehawken, that Mr. Seward is preparing a letter to Lord +Lyons on the subject. This letter, I learn, will contain some such +passages as this: + + "I have the honor to say to your lordship, that your lordship must + be aware of your lordship's important duty as a Minister to the + United States, and I trust that your lordship will pay a little + attention to your lordship's grammar when next your lordship + addresses your lordship's most obedient servant. Your lordship will + permit me to say to your lordship, that your lordship is in no way + capable of interpreting the Constitution to your lordship's + American friends; and I trust your lordship will not be offended + when I state to your lordship, that your lordship will find nothing + in the Constitution to compel your lordship to demand your + lordship's passport on account of the recent capture of State + prisoners from one of your lordship's government's vessels, your + lordship." + +I read this extract to Colonel Wobert Wobinson, of the Western Cavalry, +my boy, and he said its only fault was, that it hadn't enough lordships +in it. + +"Lordships," says he, "lend an easy grace to State documents, and are +as aristocratic as a rooster's tail at sunrise." + +The colonel is a natural poet, my boy, and abounds in pleasing +comparisons. + +The review of seventy thousand troops near Munson's Hill, on Thursday, +was one of those stirring events, my boy, which we have been upon the +eve of for the past year. A new cavalry company, for the Mackerel +Brigade, excited great attention as it went past, and I understand the +President said that, with the exception of the horses and the men, it +was one of the finest cavalry mobs he ever saw. The horses are a new +pattern; fluted sides, polished knobs on the haunches, and a hand-rail +all the way down the back. A rebel caught sight of one of these fine +animals, the other day, and immediately fainted. It was afterward +ascertained that he owned a field of oats in the neighborhood. + +Yours, variously, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XXI. + +DESCRIBING CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN'S GREAT EXPEDITION TO ACCOMAC, AND ITS +MARVELLOUS SUCCESS. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., December 1st, 1861. + +'Twas early morn, my boy. The sun rushed up the eastern sky in a state +of patriotic combustion, and as the dew fell upon the grassy +hill-sides, the mountains lifted up their heads and were rather green. +Far on the horizon six rainbows appeared, with an American Eagle at +roost on the top one, and as the translucent pearl of the dawn shone +between them, and a small pattern of blue sky with thirty-four stars +broke out at one end, I saw--I beheld--yes, it ees! it ees! our Banger +in the Skee yi! + +The reason why the heavens took such an interest in the United States +of America was the fact, that Captain Villiam Brown, of Company 3, +Regiment 5, Mackerel Brigade, was to make a Great Expedition to Accomac +County on that morning. Twelve years was the period originally +assigned, my boy, for the preparation of this Expedition; but, when the +government heard that the Accomac rebels were making candles of all the +fat Boston men they took prisoners, it concluded to do something during +the present century. Villiam Brown was assigned to the command of the +Expedition, and when I asked the General of the Mackerel Brigade how +such selection happened to be made, he said that Villiam was assigned +because there were so many signs of an ass about him. + +The General is much given to classical metaphors, my boy, and ought to +write for the new American Encyclopedia. + +Previous to starting, Villiam Brown called a meeting of his staff, for +the purpose of selecting such officers only who had slept with Hardee, +and knew beans. + +"Gentlemen," said Villiam, seating himself at a table, on which stood +the Oath and a clean tumbler; "I wish to know which of you is the +greatest shakes in a sacred skrimmage." + +A respectable leftenant stepped forward with his hand upon his boozum. + +"Being a native of Philadelphia," says he, "I am naturally modest; but +only yesterday, when two rebels pitched into me, I knocked them both +over, and am here to tell the tale." + +Villiam Brown gave the speaker a piercing look, my boy, and says he: + +"Impostor! beware how you insult the United States of America. I fathom +your falsehood," says he, "by my knowledge of Matthew Maticks. You say +that two chivalries pitched into you, and you knocked them both over. +Now Matthew Maticks distinctly says that two into one goes _no times_, +and _nothing_ over. Speaker of the House, remove this leftenant to the +donjon keep. He's Ananias Number 2." + +The officer from Philadelphia being removed to the guard-house, where +there is weeping and wailing, and picking of teeth, another leftenant +stepped forward: + +"I deal in technicalities," says he, "and can post you in law." + +"Ha!" says Villiam, softly sipping the Oath, "then I will try you with +an abstract question, my beautiful Belvideary. Supposing Mason and +Slidell were your friends, how would you work it to get them out of +Fort Warren?" + +"Why," said the leftenant, pleasantly, "I'd sue out a writ of Habeas +Jackass, and get the _New York Herald_ to advise the Government not to +let them out." + +"Yes," says Villiam, meditatively, "that would be sure to do it. I'll +use you to help me get up my Proclamation." + +"And now," says Villiam, dropping a lump of sugar into the Oath, and +stirring it with a comb, "who is that air melancholy chap with a tall +hat on, who looks like Hamlet with a panic?" + +The melancholy chap came to the front, shook his long locks like +Banquo, and says he: + +"I'm the Press. I'm the Palladium of our Liberties-- + + "'Here shall the Press the People's rights maintain, + Unawed by affluence and inspired by gain.' + +"I'm the best advertising medium in the country, and have reptile +cotemporaries. I won't be suppressed. No, sir!--no, sir!--I refuse to +be suppressed." + +"You're a giant intellek," says Villiam, looking at him through the +bottom of a tumbler; "but I can't stand the press. Speaker of the +House, remove him to the bath and send for a barber. Now, gentlemen, I +will say a few words to the troops, and then we will march according to +Hardee." + +The section of the Mackerel Brigade being mustered in line against a +rail fence, my boy, Captain Villiam Brown shut one eye, balanced +himself on one foot, and thus addressed them. + + "FELLOW-SOLDATS! (which is French.) It was originally intended to + present you with a stand of colors; but the fellow-citizen who was + to present it has only got as far as the hundred and fifty-second + page of the few remarks he intended to make on the occasion, and it + is a military necessity not to wait for him. (See Scott's Tactics, + Vol. III., pp. 24.) I have but few words to say, and these are + them: Should any of you happen to be killed in the coming battle, + let me implore you to _Die without a groan_. It sounds better in + history, as well as in the great, heart-stirring romances of the + weekly palladiums of freedom. How well it reads, that 'Private + Muggins received a shot in the neck and _died without a groan_.' + Soldats! bullets have been known to pass clean through the thickest + trees, and so I may be shot myself. Should such a calamity befall + our distracted country, I shall _die without a groan_, even though + I am a grown person. Therefore, fear nothing. The eyes of the whole + civilized world are upon you, and History and Domestic Romance + expect to write that you _died without a groan_." + +At the conclusion of this touching and appropriate speech, my boy, all +the men exclaimed: "We will!" except a young person from New York, who +said that he'd rather "Groan without a die;" for which he was sentenced +to read Seward's next letter. + +The Army being formed into a Great Quadrilateral (See Raymond's +Tactics), moved forward at a double-quick, and reached Accomac just as +the impatient sun was rushing down. With the exception of a mule, the +only Virginian to be seen was a solitary Chivalry, who had strained +himself trying to raise some interest from a Confederate Treasury Note, +and couldn't get away. + +Observing that only one man was in sight, Captain Villiam Brown, who +had stopped to tie his shoe behind a large tree on the left, made a +flank movement on the Chivalry. + +"Is these the borders of Accomac?" says he, pleasantly. + +"Why!" says the Chivalry, giving a start, "you must be Lord Lyons." + +"What makes you think that?" asked Villiam. + +"Oh, nothing--only your grammar," says Chivalry. + +This made Villiam very mad, my boy, and he ordered the bombardment to +be commenced immediately; but as all the powder had been placed on +board a vessel which could not arrive under two weeks, it was +determined to take possession without combustion. Finding himself +master of the situation, Captain Villiam Brown called the solitary +Chivalry to him, and issued the following + + PROCLAMATION. + + CITIZEN OF ACCOMAC! I come among you not as a incendiary and + assassin, but to heal your wounds and be your long-lost father. + Several of the happiest months in my life were not spent in + Accomac, and your affecting hospitality will make me more than + jealously-watchful of your liberties and the pursuit of happiness. + (See the Constitution.) + + Citizen of Accomac! These brave men, of whom I am a spectator, are + not your enemies; they are your brothers, and desire to embrace you + in fraternal bonds. They wish to be considered your guests, and + respectfully invite you to observe the banner of our common + forefathers. In proof whereof I establish the following orders: + + I.--If any nigger come within the lines of the United States Army + to give information, whatsomever, of the movements of the enemy, + the aforesaid shall have his head knocked off, and be returned to + his lawful owner, according to the groceries and provisions of the + Fugitive Slave Ack. (See the Constitution.) + + II.--If any chicken or other defenceless object belonging to the + South, be brought within the lines of the United States Army, by + any nigger, his heirs, administrators, and assigns, the aforesaid + shall have his tail cut off, and be sent back to his rightful owner + at the expense of the Treasury Department. + + III.--Any soldier found guilty of shooting the Southern + Confederacy, or bothering him in any manner whatsomever, the same + shall be deemed guilty of disorderly conduct, and be pronounced an + accursed abolitionist. + + VILLIAM BROWN, Eskevire, + Captain Conic Section, Mackerel Brigade, + Commanding Accomac. + +The citizen of Accomac, my boy, received this proclamation favorably, +and said he wouldn't go hunting Union pickets until the weather was +warmer. Whereupon Villiam Brown fell upon his neck and wept copiously. + +The Union Army, my boy, now holds undisputed possession of over six +inches of the sacred soil of Accomac, and this unnatural rebellion has +received a blow which shakes the rotten fabric to its shivering centre. +The strong arm of the Government has at last reached the stronghold of +treason, and in a few years this decisive movement on Accomac will be +followed by the advance of our army on the Potomac. + +Yours, with expedition, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XXII. + +TREATING OF VILLIAM'S OCCUPATION OF ACCOMAC, AND HIS WISE DECISION IN A +CONTRABAND CASE. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., December 16th, 1861. + +After sleeping with Congress for two days, my boy, and observing four +statesmen and a small page driven to the verge of apoplexy by the +exciting tale called the President's Message, I thought it was about +time to mingle with the world again, and sent my servant, Percy de +Mortimer, to bring me my gothic steed Pegasus. After a long search in +the fields after that chaste architectural animal, my boy, he met a +Missouri picket chap, and says he: + +"Hev you seen a horse hereabout, my whisky-doodle?" + +"Hoss!" says Missouri, spitting with exquisite precision on one of De +Mortimer's new boots. "No, I aint seen no hoss, my Fejee bruiser; but +there's an all-fired big crow-roost down in that corner, I reckon; and +it must be alive, for I heard the bones rattle when the wind blew." + +My _valet_, Mr. De Mortimer, paid no heed to his satirical lowness, my +boy, but proceeded majestically to where my gothic beast was eating the +remains of a straw mattress. Brushing a few crows from the backbone of +the fond charger, upon which they were innocently roosting, he placed +the saddle amidships, and conducted the fiery stallion to my hotel. + +Mounting in hot haste, I was about to start for Accomac, when the +General of the Mackerel Brigade came down the steps in hot haste, and +says he: + +"Is the Army of the Potomac about to advance?" + +"Why do you ask?" says I. + +"Thunder!" says he, "I've been so long in one spot that I was going to +get out my naturalization papers as a citizen of Arlington Heights. +Ah!" says he, with a groan, "when the advance takes place I shall be +too old to enjoy it." + +I asked him why he didn't make arrangements to have his grandson take +his place, if he should become superanuated before the advance took +place; and he said that he be dam. + +On reaching Accomac, my boy, I found the Conic Section of the Mackerel +Brigade reconnoitering in force after a pullet they had seen the night +before. Which they couldn't catch it. + +Captain Villiam Brown, my boy, has his head quarters in a house with +the attic and cellar on the same floor. I found two fat pickets playing +poker on the roof, six first class pickets doing up Old Sledge on the +rail-fence in front of the door, and eight consumptive pickets eating a +rooster belonging to the Southern Confederacy on the roof of a pig-pen. + +As I entered the airy and commodious apartment of the commander-in +chief, I beheld a sight to make the muses stare like the behemoth of +the Scriptures, and cause genius to take another nip of old rye. There +was the cantankerous captain, my boy, seated on a keg of gunpowder, +with his head laid sideways on a table; one hand grasping a bottle half +full of the Oath, and the other writing something on a piece of paper +laid at right angles with his nose. + +"Hallo, my interesting infant," says I, "are you drawing a map of +Pensacola for an enlightened press?" + +"Ha!" says Villiam, starting up, and eyeing me closely through the +bottom of a bottle, "you behold me in the agonies of composition. Read +this poickry," says he, "and if it aint double X with the foam off, +where's your Milton?" + +I took the paper, my boy, which resembled a specimen-card of dead +flies, and read this poem: + + "The God of Bottles be our aid, + When rebels crack us; + We'll bend the bottle-neck to him, + And he will Bacchus. + + "By Capt. VILLIAM BROWN, Eskevire." + +I told Villiam that everything but the words of his poem reminded me of +Longfellow, and says he: + +"Don't mention my undoubted genius in public; because if Seward knew +that I wrote poickry, he'd think I wanted to be President in 1865, and +he'd get the Honest Old Abe to remove me. I think," says Villiam, +abstractedly, "that the Honest Old Abe is like a big bumble bee with +his tail cut off, when his Cabinet comes humming around him." + +Villiam once stirred up the monkeys in a menagerie, my boy, and his +metaphors from Natural History are chaste. + +At this moment a file of the Mackerel Brigade came in, bringing a son +of Africa, who looked like a bottle of black ink wrapt up in a dirty +towel, and a citizen of Accomac, who claimed him as his slave. + +"Captain," says the citizen of Accomac, "this nigger belongs to me, and +I want him back. Besides, he stole a looking-glass from me, and has got +it hid somewheres." + +Villiam smiled like a pleased clam, and says he: "You say he stole a +looking-glass?" + +"I reckon," says Accomac. + +"Prisonier!" says Villiam, to the Ethiop, "did you ever see the devil?" + +"Nebber, sar, since missus died." + +"Citizen of Accomac," says Villiam, sternly, "you have told a whopper; +and I shall keep this child of oppression to black the boots of the +United States of America. You say he stole a looking-glass. He says he +has never seen the devil. Observe now," says Villiam, argumentatively, +"how plain it is, that if he _had_ even _looked_ at your looking-glass, +he _must_ have seen the devil about the same time." + +The citizen of Accomac saw that his falsehood was discovered, my boy, +and returned to the bosom of his family cursing like a rifled parson. +Villiam then adjourned the court for a week, and sent the contraband +out to enjoy the blessings of freedom, digging trenches. + +It is pleasing, my boy, to see our commanders dispensing justice in +this manner; and I don't wonder at the President's wanting to abolish +the Supreme Court. + +Yours, judicially, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XXIII. + +CONCERNING BRITISH NEUTRALITY AND ITS COSMOPOLITAN EFFECTS, WITH SOME +ACCOUNT OF HOW CAPTAIN BOB SHORTY LOST HIS COMPANY. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., December 20th, 1861. + +When Britain first, at Napoleon's command, my boy, arose from out the +azure main, this was her charter, her charter of the land, that +Britains never, never, never shall be slaves as long as they have a +chance to treat everybody else like niggers. Suffer me also to remark, +that, Britannia needs no bulwarks, no towers along the steep; her march +is o'er the mountain wave, her home is on the deep--where she keeps up +her neutrality by smuggling contraband Southern confederacies, and +swearing like a hard-shell chaplain when Uncle Sam's ocean pickets +overhaul her. + +Albion's neutrality is waking up a savage spirit in the United States +of America, as you will understand from the following Irish Idle which +was written + + PRO PAT-RIA. + + Two Irishmen out of employ, + And out at the elbows as aisily, + Adrift in a grocery-store + Were smoking and taking it lazily. + The one was a broth of a boy, + Whose cheek-bones turned out and turned in again, + His name it was Paddy O'Toole-- + The other was Misther McFinnigan. + + "I think of enlistin'," says Pat, + "Because do you see what o'clock it is; + There's nothin' adoin' at all + But drinkin' at Mrs. O'Docharty's. + It's not until after the war + That business times will begin again, + And fightin's the duty of all"-- + "You're right, sir," says Misther McFinnigan. + + "Bad luck to the rebels, I say, + For kickin' up all of this bobbery, + They call themselves gintlemen, too, + While practin' murder and robbery; + Now if it's gintale for to steal, + And take all your creditors in again, + I'm glad I'm no gintleman born"-- + "You're right, sir," says Misther McFinnigan. + + "The spalpeens make bould to remark + Their chivalry couldn't be ruled by us; + And by the same token I think + They're never too smart to be fooled by us. + Now if it's the nagurs they mane + Be chivalry, then it's a sin again + To fight for a cause that is black"-- + "You're right, sir," says Misther McFinnigan. + + "A nagur's a man, ye may say, + And aiqual to all other Southerners; + But chivalry's made him a brute, + And so he's a monkey to Northerners; + Sure, look at the poor cratur's heels, + And look at his singular shin again; + It's not for such gintlemen fight"-- + "You're right, sir," says Misther McFinnigan. + + "The nagur States wanted a row, + And now, be me sowl, but they've got in it! + They've chosen a bed that is hard, + However they shtrive for to cotton it. + I'm thinkin', when winter comes on + They'll all be inclined to come in again; + But then we must bate them at first"-- + "You're right, sir," says Misther McFinnigan. + + "Och hone! but it's hard that a swate + Good-lookin' young chap like myself indade, + Should loose his ten shillins a day + Because of the throuble the South has made: + But that's just the raison, ye see, + Why I should help Union to win again + It's that will bring wages once more"-- + "You're right, sir," says Misther McFinnigan. + + "Joost mind what ould England's about, + A sendin' her throops into Canaday; + And all her ould ships on the coast + Are ripe for some treachery any day. + Now if she should mix in the war-- + Be jabers! it makes me head spin again! + _Ould Ireland would have such a chance!_"-- + "You're right, sir," says Misther McFinnigan. + + "You talk about Irishmen, now, + Enlistin' by thousands from loyalty; + But _wait till the Phoenix Brigade + Is called to put down British Royalty_! + It's then with the Stars and the Stripes + All Irishmen here would go in again, + To strike for the Shamrock and Harp!"-- + "You're right, sir," says Misther McFinnigan. + + "Och, murther! me blood's in a blaze, + To think of bould Corcoran leading us + Right into the camp of the bastes + Whose leeches so long have been bleeding us! + The Stars and the Stripes here at home + To Canada's walls we would pin again, + And wouldn't we raise them in Cork?"-- + "You're right, sir," says Misther McFinnigan. + + "And down at the South, do ye mind, + There's plinty of Irishmen mustering, + Deluded to fight for the wrong + By rebel mis-statements and blustering; + But once let ould England, their foe, + To fight with the Union begin again, + And sure, they'd desert to a man!"-- + "You're right, sir," says Misther McFinnigan. + + "There's niver an Irishmen born, + From Maine to the end of Secessiondom. + But longs for a time and a chance + To fight for this country in Hessian-dom; + And so, if ould England should try + With treacherous friendship to sin again, + They'll all be on one side at once"-- + "You're right, sir," says Misther McFinnigan. + + "We've brothers in Canada, too-- + (And didn't the Prince have a taste of them?)-- + To say that to Ireland they're true + Is certainly saying the laste of them. + If, bearing our flag at our head, + We rose Ireland's freedom to win again, + They'd murther John Bull in the rear!"-- + "You're right, sir," says Misther McFinnigan. + + "Hurroo! for the Union, me boys, + And divil take all who would bother it, + Secession's a nagur so black + The divil himself ought to father it; + Hurroo! for the bould 69th, + That's prisintly bound to go in again; + It's Corcoran's rescue they're at"-- + "You're right, sir," says Misther McFinnigan. + + "I'm off right away to enlist, + And sure won't the bounty be handy-O! + To kape me respectably dressed + And furnish me dudheens and brandy-O! + I'm thinkin', me excellent friend, + Ye're eyeing that bottle of gin again; + You wouldn't mind thryin' a drop"-- + "You're _right_, sir," says Misther McFinnigan. + +British neutrality, my boy, reminds me of a chap I once knew in the +Sixth Ward. Two solid men, who didn't get drunk more than once a day, +were running for alderman, and they both made a dead set on this chap; +but they hadn't any money, and he couldn't see it. + +"See here, old tops," says he, "I'll be a neutral this time; so go in +porgies!" + +Well, my boy, the election came off, and neither of the old tops was +elected. No, sir! Now, who do you suppose _was_ elected? + +The _Neutral Chap_, my boy! + +Mad as hornets with the hydrophobia, the two old tops went to see him, +and says they: + +"Confound your picture, didn't you promise to be neutral?" + +The chap dipped his nose into a cocktail, and then says he, blandly: + +"I _was_ neutral, old Persimmonses. I only went to fifty Democrats, and +got 'em to vote for me. Then to be neutral, I had to get fifty of the +other feller's Black Republicans to do the same thing. Then I voted +twelve times for myself, _and went in_." + +It was a very beautiful case, my boy, and the old tops were only heard +to utter--they were only known to exclaim--they were barely able to +articulate--that neutrality didn't pay. + +Early yesterday morning, my boy, Company B, Regiment 3, Mackerel +Brigade, went down toward Centreville on a reconnoissance in force +under Captain Bob Shorty. The Captain is a highly intellectual patriot, +and don't get his sword twisted between his legs when he carries it in +his hand. He led the company through the mud like a Christmas duck, +until they came to a thicket in which something was seen to move. + +"Halt, you tarriers!" says Captain Bob Shorty, in a voice trembling +with bravery. "Form yourselves into a square according to Hardee, while +I stir up this here bush. There's something in that bush," says he, +"and it's either the Southern Confederacy, or some other cow." + +The captain then leaned up to a tree to make him steady on his pins, my +boy, and rammed his sword into the bushes like a poker into a +fire--thus: + +Nobody hurt on our side. + +What followed, my boy, can be easily told. At an early hour on the +evening of the same day, a solitary horseman might have been seen +approaching Washington. It was Captain Bob Shorty, with his hat caved +in, and a rainbow spouting under his left eye. He went straight to the +head-quarters of the General of the Mackerel Brigade, and says he: + +"General, I've reconnoitered in force, and found the enemy both +numerious and cantankerous." + +"Beautiful!" says the general; "but where is your company?" + +"Well, now," says Captain Bob Shorty, "you'd hardly believe it; but the +last I see of that ere company, it was engaged in the pursuit of +happiness at the rate of six miles an hour, with the rebels at the +wrong end of the track. Dang my rations!" says Captain Bob Shorty, "if +I don't think that ere bob-tailed company has got to Richmond by this +time." + +"Thunder!" says the general, "didn't they kill any of the rebels?" + +"Nary a Confederacy," says Captain Bob Shorty. "The bullets all rolled +out of them ere muskets of theirs before the powder got fairly on fire. +Them muskets," continued Captain Bob Shorty, "would be good for a +bombardment. You might possibly hit a city with them at two yards' +range; but in personal encounters they are inferior to the +putty-blowers of our innocent childhood." + +As the captain made this observation, my boy, he stepped hurriedly to +the table, lifted a tumbler containing the Oath to his pallid lips, +took a seat in the coal-scuttle, and burst into a flood of tears. + +Deeply affected by this touching display of a beautiful trait in our +common nature, the general placed a small piece of ice on the captain's +slanting brow, and hid his own emotions in a bottle holding about a +quart. + +In reference to the beautiful battle-piece, accompanying this epistle, +my boy, allow me to observe that it was taken on the spot by the +_Chiar' oscuro_ artist, Patrick de la Roach, well-known in his native +Italy as "Roachy." He studied in Rome (New York), and has a style +peculiar for its width of tone and length of breath. The dark +complexion of the figures in this fine picture represents the effects +of the Virginia sun. Our troops are much tanned. The work was painted +in oil colors with a bit of charcoal, my boy, and a copy of it will +probably be ordered for the Capitol. + +Yours, for high old art, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XXIV. + +NARRATING THE MACKEREL BRIGADE'S MANNER OF CELEBRATING CHRISTMAS, AND +NOTING A DEADLY AFFAIR OF HONOR BETWEEN TWO WELL-KNOWN OFFICERS. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., December 26th, 1861. + +A Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, my boy, and the same to yourself. +The recurrence of these gay old annuals makes me feel as ancient as the +First Families of Virginia, and as grave as a church-yard. How well I +remember my first Christmas! Early in the morning, my dignified +paternal presented me with a beautiful spanking, and then my maternal +touched me up with her slipper to stop my crying. Sensible people are +the women of America, my boy; they slap a boy on his upper end, which +makes him howl, and then hit him on the other end to stop his noise. +There's good logic in the idea, my boy. That first Christmas of mine +was memorable from the fact that my present was a drum, on which I +executed a new opera of my own composition with such good effect, that +in the evening, a deputation of superannuated neighbors and old maids +waited on my father with a petition that he would send me to sea +immediately. + +But to return to the present, suffer me to observe that last Wednesday +was celebrated by the Mackerel Brigade in a manner worthy of the +occasion. Two hundred turkeys belonging to the Southern Confederacy +were served up for dinner, and from what I tasted, I am satisfied that +they belonged to the First Families. They were very tough, my boy. + +In the evening, there was a ball, to which a number of the women of +America were invited. Captain Villiam Brown came up from Accomac on +purpose to attend, and looked, as the General of the Mackerel Brigade +genteelly expressed it, like a bag of indigo that had been out without +an umbrella in a hard shower of brass buttons. The general has an acute +perception of the Beautiful, my boy. + +Villiam took the Oath six times, and then took a survey of the festive +scene through the bottom of a tumbler. The first person he recognized +was the youngest Miss Muggins, waltzing like a deranged balloon with +Captain Bob Shorty. Captain Bob was spinning around like a dislocated +pair of tongs, and smirked like a happy fiend. Villiam gave one stare, +put the tumbler in his pocket, and then made a bee-line for the pair. + +"Miss Muggins," says he, "you'll obleege me by dropping that air mass +of brass buttons and moustaches, and dancing with me." + +"I beg your parding, sir," says Miss Muggins, with dignity, "but I +chooses my own company." + +"Villiam," says Captain Bob Shorty, "if you don't take that big nose of +yours away, it will be my painful duty to set it a little further back +in your repulsive countenance." + +Then Villiam _was_ mad. He hastily buttoned his coat up to the neck, +took a bite of tobacco, and says he: + +"Captain Shorty, we have lived like br-r-others; I have borrowed many a +quarter of you; and you promised that when I died, you would wrap me up +in the American flag. But now you are mine enemy, and--ha! ha!--I am +yours. Wilt fight?" + +'Twas enough! + +"I wilt," responded Captain Bob Shorty. And in ten minutes' time these +desperate men stood face to face on the banks of the Potomac, the +ghastly moon looking solemnly down upon them through a rift of floating +shrouds; and one of the First Families of Virginia pickets squinting at +them from a neighboring bush. Villiam's second was Colonel Wobert +Wobinson of the Western Cavalry, Captain Bob Shorty's was Samyule +Sa-mith. The fifth of the party was a fat surgeon from St. Louis, who +stood with his sleeves rolled up and a big jack-knife in his hand. The +surgeon also had a stomach pump with him, my boy, and twelve boxes of +anti-bilious pills. The weapons were pistols, and the distance seventy +paces. + +Captain Villiam Brown was observed to shiver, as he took his place, and +was so cold, that he took aim at the surgeon instead of his antagonist. +The surgeon called his attention to this little error; and he +immediately rectified his mistake by pointing his weapon point-blank at +Samyule Sa-mith. + +"You blood-thirsty cuss!" shouted Samyule, with great emotion, "what +are you pointing at me for?" + +"I was thinking of my poor grandmother," said Villiam, feelingly; and +immediately fired at the moon. + +Simultaneously, Captain Bob Shorty sent his bullet skimming along the +ground, in the direction of Washington, and said that he wanted to go +home. + +The surgeon decided that nobody was hurt; and the two infuriated +principals commenced to reload their pistols, with horrible calmness. + +Now it came to pass, that while Captain Villiam Brown was stooping down +fixing his weapon, his hand became unsteady, and he pulled the trigger, +without meaning to. Bang! went the concern, and whiz! went the ball +right between the legs of Colonel Wobert Wobinson, causing that noble +officer to skip four times, and swear awfully. + +"Treachery!" says Captain Bob Shorty, spinning around in great +excitement, and letting drive at Samyule Sa-mith who happened to be +nearest. + +"Gaul darn ye!" screamed Samyule, turning purple in the face, "you've +gone and shot all the rim of my cap off." + +"I couldn't help it," says Bob, looking into the barrel of his pistol +with great intensity of gaze. + +At this moment, Villiam, who had loaded up again, tried to put the +hammer of his weapon down on the cap; but his hand slipped, and the +charge exploded, barking the shins of the fat surgeon, and sending a +bullet clean through his stomach-pump. + +The surgeon just took a seat, my boy, rubbed his shins half a second, +took four boxes of pills, and then began to cuss! Marshal Rynders can +cuss _some_, my boy, but that fat surgeon could beat him and all the +Custom-House together. + +But suddenly a strange sound reduced all else to silence. It came first +like the rumbling of a barrel of potatoes, and then grew into a +fiendish chuckle. It was found to proceed from a neighboring bush, and +on proceeding thither the party beheld a sight to make the pious weep. +Rolling about in the brush was one of the First Families of Virginia +pickets, kicking his heels in the air, and laughing himself right +straight into apoplexy. + +"O Lord!" says he, going into a fresh convulsion, "take me prisoner and +hang me for a rebel, but I never _did_ see such a good one as that air +gay old duel. If you'd kept on," says the picket, turning purple in the +face, "I really reckon I should a busted myself." + +Captain Villiam Brown was greatly scandalized at this unseemly mirth, +my boy, and requested the surgeon to cut the picket's head off; but +Colonel Wobert Wobinson interposed, and the laughing chap was only made +prisoner. + +"And now, Villiam," says Captain Bob Shorty, "we've had the +satisfaction of gentlemen, and can be friends again. I spurns Miss +Muggins. The American flag is my only bride, and as for you!--well, I +think rather more of you than I do of my own father." + +"Come to my arms!" exclaimed Villiam, falling upon his neck, and +improving the opportunity to take the Oath from his canteen. + +It was an affecting sight, my boy; and as those two noble youths walked +amicably back to the camp together, the fat surgeon remarked to Samyule +Sa-mith that they reminded him of Damon and Pythias just returned from +the Syracuse Convention. + +Yours, for the Code, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XXV. + +PRESENTING THE CHAPLAIN'S NEW YEAR POEM, AND REPORTING THE SINGULAR +CONDUCT OF THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE ON THE DAY HE +CELEBRATED. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., January 2d, 1862. + +Another year, my boy, has dawned upon a struggle in which the hopes of +freedom and integrity all over the world are breathlessly involved; and +if the day-star of Liberty is destined to go down into the ocean wave, +what is to become of the unoffending negroes? I extract this beautiful +passage, my boy, from the forthcoming speech of a fat Congressman, who +is a friend to the human race, and charges the Administration with +imbecility and with mileage. I conversed with him the other evening, +and, after discussing various topics, asked him what he thought of the +Washington statue as it stood? He winked three times, and then says he: + +"The only Washington statue I know anything about, is _statu quo_." + +The chaplain of the Mackerel Brigade joined seriously in our staff +festivities on New Year's eve, my boy; but as midnight approached he +grew very silent, and at a quarter of twelve he arose from his seat by +the fire and asked permission to read something which he had written. + +"I would not retard your inevitable inebriation," says he to us, as he +drew a manuscript from one of his pockets, "but it is only fitting that +we should pay some regard to + + "THE DYING YEAR. + + "Dying at last, Old Year! + Another stroke of yonder clock, and thou + Wilt pass the threshold of the world we see + Into the world where Yesterday and Now + Blend with the hours of the No More To Be. + + "I saw the moon last night + Rise like a crown from the dim mountain's head, + And to the Council of the Stars take way; + For thou, the king, though kinsman of the dead, + Swayed still the sceptre of Another Day. + + "I see the moon to-night, + Sightless and misty as a mourner's eye, + Behind a vail; or, like a coin to seal + The lids of Time's last-born to majesty, + Touched with the darkness of a hidden Leal. + + "Mark where yon shadow crawls + By slow degrees beneath the window-sill, + Timed by the death-watch, ticking slow and dull; + The tide of night is rising, black and still-- + Old Year, thou diest when 'tis at its full! + + "Ay! moan and moan again, + And shake all Nature in thine agony, + And tear the ermine robes that mock thee now + Like gilded fruit upon a blasted tree; + To-morrow comes! To-morrow, where are Thou? + + "Wouldst thou be shrived, Old Year? + Thou subtle sentence of delusive Time, + Framed but to deepen all the mystery + Of Life's great purpose! Come, confess the crime, + And man's Divinity shall date from thee! + + "Speak to my soul, Old Year; + Let but a star leave its bright eminence + In thy death-struggle, if this deathless Soul + Holds its own destiny and recompense + In the grand mast'ry of a GOD'S control! + + "No sound, no sign from thee? + And must I live, not knowing why I live, + Whilst Thou and years to come pass by me here + With faces hid, refusing still to give + The one poor word that bids me cease to fear? + + "That word, I charge thee, speak! + Quick! for the moments tremble on the verge + Of the black chasm where lurks the midnight spell, + And solemn winds already chant thy dirge-- + Give Earth its Heaven, or Hell a deeper Hell! + + "Speak! or I curse thee here! + I'll call it YEA if but a withered twig, + Tossed by the wind, falls rattling on the roof; + I'll call it YEA, if e'en a shutter creak, + Breathe but on me, and it shall stand for proof! + + "Too late! The midnight bell-- + The crawling shadow at its witching flood, + With the deep gloom of the Beyond is wed, + And I, unanswered, sit within and brood, + And thou, Old Year, art silent--Thou art DEAD!" + +When the chaplain finished his reading, my boy, I told him that he must +excuse the party for going to sleep, as they were really very tired. + +On New Year's day, my boy, the General of the Mackerel Brigade desired +me to make a few calls with him; and appeared at my lodgings in a +confirmed state of kid gloves, which he bought for the express purpose +of making a joke. + +"A happy New Year to you, my Duke of Wellington," says I. "You look as +frisky as a spring lamb." + +Immediately a look of intense meaning came over his Corinthian face, +and he remarked, with awful solemnity: + +"Thunder! you might better call me a goat, my Prushian blue, seeing +that I've got a couple of kids on hand just now." + +The joke was a good article in the glove line, my boy, and I don't +think that the general had been studying over it more than four hours +before we met. + +We made our first call at a house where the ladies were covered with +smiles as with a garment; and remarked that the day was fine. The +general smiled in return, until his profile reminded me of a cracked +tea-pot; and says he: "Ladies, allow me to tender the compliments of +the season. In this wine," says he, "which I hold in my hand, I behold +the roses of your cheeks when you blush, and the sparkle of your eyes +when you laugh. Let us hope that another New Year will find our unhappy +country free from her enemies, and the curse of African slavery blotted +out of the map." + +I whispered to the general that slavery wasn't on the map at all; and +he confidentially informed me, that I be dam. + +We then repaired to a house where the ladies had a very happy +expression of countenance, and told us that it was a pleasant day. The +general accidentally filled a wine glass with the deuce of the grape, +and says he: "Ladies, suffer me to articulate the compliments of the +season. This aromatic beverage," says he, "is but a liquid presentment +of your blushes and glances. Let us trust that within a year our +country will resume the blessings of peace, and the unhappy bondman +will be obliterated from the map." + +One of the ladies said, "te-he." + +Another said that she felt "he! he! he!" + +"I believe her, my boy!" + +As we returned to the street, I told the general that he'd better leave +out the map at the next place, and he said that he'd do it if he was'nt +afraid that Congress would'nt confirm his appointment, if he did. + +We then visited a family where the ladies had faces beaming with +happiness, and observed that it was really a beautiful day. The general +happened to be placed near a cut-glass goblet, and says he: "Ladies, in +compliance with the day we celebrate, I offer the compliments of the +season. This mantling nectar," says he, "blushes like women and +glitters like her orbs. Let us pray that in the coming twelve months, +the stars and stripes will be re-established, and the negro removed +from the map." + +He also said hic, my boy; and one of the ladies wanted "to know what +that meant?" + +I told her that _Hic_ was a Latin term from Cicero de Officiis, and +meant _Hic jacet_--hear lies. + +"O!" says she, "te-he-he!" + +On reaching the sidewalk this time, my boy, the general clasped my hand +warmly, and said he'd never forget me. He said I was his dear friend, +and must never leave him; and I said I wouldn't. + +We then called at a house where the ladies all smiled upon us, and +remarked that we were having charming weather. The general raised a +glass, and says he: + +"Ge-yurls, I am an old man; but you are the complimens of season. You +are blushing like the wine-glass, and also your sparkles. On another +New Year's day let our banner--certainly let us all do it. And the +negro slavery blot out the map." + +As he uttered these feeling words, my boy, he bowed to me and kissed my +hand. After which he looked severely at his pocket-handkerchief, and +tried to leave the room by way of the fire-place. + +I asked him if he hadn't better take some soda; and he said, that if I +would come and live with him he would tell me how he came to get +married. He said he loved me. + +Shortly after this we called at a residence where the ladies all looked +very happy and said that it was a fine day. The general threw all the +strength of his face into one eye, and says he: + +"Ladles, we are compl'm'ns, and you are the negroes on the map. This +year--pardon me, I should intro-interror-oduce my two friends who is +drunk--this year I say, our country may be hap--" + +Here the general turned suddenly to me with tears in his eyes, and +asked me to promise that I would never, never leave him. He said that I +was a gen'l'm'n, and ought to give up drinking. I conducted him +tenderly to the hall, where he embraced me passionately, and invited me +to call and see him. + +As soon as he had made a few remarks to a lamp-post, requesting it to +call at Willard's as it went home, and tell his wife that he was well, +I took his arm, and we moved on at right angles. + +It is worthy of remark that at our next calling-place the ladies all +beamed with joy, and told us that it was a delightful day. The general +took a looking-glass for a window, and stood still before it, until I +tapped him on the shoulder. + +"D'you zee that drunken fool standing there in the street?" says he, +pointing at the mirror. "It's Lord Lyons, s'drunk as a fool." + +I told him that he saw only his own figure in the glass, and he said he +would see me safe home if I would go right away. Chancing at the moment +to catch sight of a wine-glass, my boy, he walked toward it in a +circle, and hastily filled the outside of it from an empty decanter. +Then balancing himself on one foot, and placing his disengaged hand on +a pyramid of _blanc mange_ to support himself, he said impressively: + +"Ladles, and gentle-lemons, the army will move on the first of May, +and--" + +Here the general went down under the table like a stately ship +foundering at sea, and was heard to ask the wine-cooler to tell his +family that he died for his country. + +Owing to the very hilly nature of the street, my boy, I was obliged to +accompany the general home in a hack; and as we rolled along towards +the hotel, he disclosed to me an agitated history of his mother's +family. + +When last I saw him he was trying to make out why the chambermaid had +put four pillows on his bed, and endeavoring to lift off the two extra +ones without disturbing the others. + +Candidly speaking, my boy, this New-Year's-calls business is not a +sensible calling, and simply amounts to a caravan of monkeys attending +a menagerie of trained crinoline. + +Yours, philosophically, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XXVI. + +GIVING THE PARTICULARS OF A FALSE ALARM, AND A BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF +THE OFFICER COMMANDING. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., January 11th, 1862. + +Scarce had the glorious sun shot up the dappled orient on Monday morn, +my boy, when the Commander-in-Chief of the Mackerel Brigade received a +telegraphic dispatch which reads as follows: + + "General Frost has appeared near Centreville, and is now covering + the wood and road in our rear." + +It bore no signature, my boy; but the general believed the danger to be +imminent, and ordered Captain Bob Shorty to take ten thousand men, and +make a reconnoissance towards Centreville. + +"Bob, my cherub," says he, "if you can get behind the rebel Frost, and +take the whole Confederacy prisoners, don't administer the Oath until +the Eagle of America is avenged." + +Bob smiled like a happy oyster, and says he: + +"Domino!" + +'Twas nigh upon the hour of noon when Captain Bob Shorty and his +veterans approached the beautiful village of Centreville. Cross-trees +had been placed under the horses of the cavalry to keep them from +falling down, and the infantry were arranging themselves so that the +bayonets of the front rank shouldn't stick into the rear rank's eyes +every time they turned a corner, when a solitary contraband might have +been seen eating hoe-cake by the solemn road-side. + +"Confederate," said Captain Bob Shorty, approaching him with his sword +very much between his legs, "hast seen the rebel Frost and his +myrmidions? I come to give him battle, having heard that he was +hereabouts." + +The Ethiopian took a pentagonal bite of hoe-cake, and says he: + +"Tell Massa Lincon that the frost war werry thick last night, but hab +gone by this time." + +Captain Bob Shorty took off his cap, my boy, looked carefully into it, +put it on again, and frowned awfully. + +"Comrades," says he, addressing the troops, "you have all heard of +a big thing on Snyder. You now behold it before you. This here +reconnoissance," says he, "is what the French would call a _few-paw_. +We must turn it into a foraging expedition. Charge on yonder hay-stack, +and remember me in your prayers!" + +'Twas early eve, my boy, when that splendid army returned to Potomac's +shore, with two hay-stacks for the horses, and ten Confederate chickens +for supper. + +Nobody hurt on our side. + +I inclose the following brief sketch of the gallant soldier who +commanded in this brilliant affair. + + CAPTAIN ROBERT SHORTY. + + This brave young officer was born in the Sixth Ward of New York, + and was twenty-one years old upon arriving of age. When but a lad, + he studied tobacco and the girls, and ran to fires for his health. + When eligible to the right of franchise, he voted seven times in + one day, and attracted so much attention from the authorities that + his parents resolved to make a lawyer of him. On the breaking out + of the war with Mexico, he offered his services to the Government + as a major-general, but, for some reason, was not accepted. He will + probably be sent to supersede General Halleck, in Missouri, as soon + as any one of St. Louis writes to ask the President for another + change. + + * * * * * + +The general was so pleased when he heard of this spirited action, my +boy, that he offered to review the Mackerel Brigade the next morning, +and privately informed me that he considered the Southern Confederacy +doomed to expire in less than three months. He said that it was already +tottering to its fall, which must take place in the Spring. + +Perhaps so, my boy--perhaps so! + +Yours, for the flag, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XXVII. + +TOUCHING INCIDENTALLY UPON THE CHARACTER OF ARMY FOOD, AND CELEBRATING +THE GREAT DIPLOMATIC EXPLOIT OF CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN AT ACCOMAC. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., January 19th, 1862. + +In the early part of the week I resolved to go down to Accomac, on a +flying visit to Captain Villiam Brown and the Conic Section of the +Mackerel Brigade. Accordingly, I went to the shoemaker's after my +gothic steed Pegasus. The shoemaker, had said, my boy, that there was +enough loose leather hanging about the architectural animal to make me +a nice pair of slippers, and I gave him permission to cut them out. The +operation only made the Morgan's back look a little more like the roof +of a barn; but I like him all the better for that, because he sheds the +rain easier. + +The General of the Mackerel Brigade at first intended to accompany me +to Accomac; and says he to Samyule Sa-mith, the orderly, says he: +"Samyule! just step down to the anatomical museum of the Western chaps, +and buy me the best horse you can find in the collection. Here's a +dollar and half--fifty cents for the horse and a dollar for your +trouble." + +Samyule came back in about forty minutes, and says he: + +"Colonel Wobert Wobinson, of the Western Cavalry, says I must come +again this afternoon, as he don't know whether there'll be any horses +left or not." + +"Thunder!" says the General. "How left?" + +"Vy," says Samyule, "he can't tell whether any horses will be left +until the boys have had their dinner, can he!" + +"Ah!" says the General, contemplatively, "I forgot the beef-soup +recommended by the doctors. It will be a pleasant change for the boys," +says he, "from the mutton that was so plenty just after them mules +died." + +Speaking of dinner, my boy; let me tell you about a curious occurrence +in our camp lately. Just after a load of rations had come in, a New +York chap says to me, says he: + +"I'm glad they're going to put down the Russ pavement here pretty soon; +for it's getting damp as thunder." + +"Id-jut!" said I, sarcastically, "where have you seen any Russ +pavement?" + +He just took me softly by the arm, my boy, and led me a little way, and +pointed, and says he: + +"If you'll just look there, you'll see some of the blocks." + +"Why," says I, "those are army biscuit for the men." + +"Biscuit!" says he, rubbing his stomach, and turning up his eyes like a +cat with the apoplexy--"if them's biscuit, Bunker Hill Monument must be +built of flour--that's all." + +And he went out and took the Oath. + +On arriving at Accomac, my boy, I asked a blue-and-gold picket where +Villiam Brown was, and he said that he was in the library. + +The library was used by the former occupants of the residence as a +hen-house, and contains two volumes--Hardee abridged, and "Every Man +His Own Letter-Writer," Seward's edition. + +I found Captain Villiam Brown seated on what was formerly a Shanghai's +nest, my boy, with his feet out of the window, and his head against a +roost. He was studying the last-named book, and sipping Old Bourbon the +Oath, in the intervals. The intervals were numerous. + +"Son of the Eagle," says I, "you remind me of Sir Walter Scott, at +Abbotsford." + +Villiam looked abstractedly at me, at the same time moving the tumbler +a little further from my hand, and says he: + +"I've been in the agonies of diplomacy, but feel much better." "Ha!" +says Villiam, beaming like a new comet, "I've preserved our foreign +relations peaceful, without humbling the United States of America." + +I asked an explanation, and he informed me that on the evening before, +one of his men had boarded an Accomac scow in Goose Creek, and captured +two oppressed negroes, named Johnson and Peyton, who were carrying news +to the enemy. "At first," says Villiam, sternly, "I thought of letting +them off with hanging, but I soon felt that they deserved something +worse, and so--" says Villiam, with a malignant scowl that made my +blood run cold--"and so, I sentenced them to read Sumner's speech on +the Trent affair." + +On the following morning there came the following letter from the +righteously-exasperated citizens of Accomac, which Villiam labeled as + + DOCKYMENT I. + + SWEET VILLIAM--SIR:--I am instructed by the neutral Government of + Accomac to assure the United States of America, that the feeling at + present existing between the two Governments is of such a cordial + nature, that love itself never inspired more heaving emotions in + the buzzums of conglomerated youth. + + Therefore, the outrage committed by the United States of America on + the flag of Accomac, in removing from its protection two gentlemen + named Johnson and Peyton, is something for demons to rejoice over. + The daughter of the latter gentleman has already slapped her mother + in the face, and bared her buzzum to the breeze. + + I am instructed by the government of Accomac to demand the instant + return of the two gentlemen, together with an ample apology for the + base deed, and the amount of that little bill for forage. + + Again assuring you of the cordial feeling existing between the two + countries, and the passionate affection I feel for yourself, I am, + dear sir, most truly, dear sir, as ever, respected sir, your + attached + + WILLIAM GOAT. + +On receiving this communication from Mr. Goat, my boy, Captain Villiam +Brown removed Lieutenant Thomas Jenks from the command of the +artillery, and ordered six reviews of the troops without umbrellas. He +then had a small keg of the Oath rolled into the library, rumpled up +his hair, shut one eye, and replied to Mr. Goat with + + DOCKYMENT II. + + LORD GOAT--SIR:--I take much felicity in receiving your lordship's + note, which shows that the neutral Government of Accomac and the + United States of America still cherish the feelings that do credit + to Anglo-Saxon hearts of the same parentage. + + The two black beings, at present stopping in the barn attached to + the present head-quarters, were contraband of war; but were, + nevertheless, engaged in the peaceful occupation of asking the + protection of your lordship's government. + + Were I to decide this question in favor of the United States of + America, I should forever forfeit the right of every American + citizen to treat niggers as sailable articles, since I would + thereby deny their right to sail. The Congress of the United States + of America has been fighting for this right for more than a quarter + of a century, and I cannot find it in me heart to debar it of that + divine privilege for the future. + + I might cite Wheaton, Story, Bulwer, Kent, Marryat, Sheridan, and + Busteed, to sustain my position, were I familiar with those + international righters. + + Therefore I am compelled to humble your lordship's government by + returning the two black beings aforesaid, and beg leave to assure + your lordship that I am your lordship's only darling, + + VILLIAM BROWN, Eskevire, + Captain Conic Section, Mackerel Brigade. + +After reading this able and brilliant document, my boy, I told Villiam +that I thought he had made a very good point about negroes always being +"sailable articles," and he said that was diplomacy. + +"Ah!" says he, sadly, "my father always said that if you could not get +over a rail fence by high-jump-acy, there was nothing like +dip-low-macy. My dad was a natural statesman. Ah!" says Villiam, in a +fine burst of filial emotion, "I wonder where the durned old fool is +now." + +This idea plunged him into such a depth of reverie, that I left him +without another word, mounted Pegasus, and ambled reflectively back to +the Capitol. + +Diplomacy brings out the intellect of a nation, my boy, and is a +splendid thing to use until we get our navy finished. + +Yours, in memory of Metternich, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XXVIII. + +CONCERNING THE CONTINUED INACTIVITY OF THE POTOMAC ARMY, AND SHOWING +HOW IT WAS POETICALLY CONSTRUED BY A THOUGHTFUL RADICAL. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., January 30th, 1862. + +Notwithstanding the hideous howlings of the Black Republicans, my boy, +and the death of six Confederate pickets from old age, the Army of the +Potomac will not commence the forward movement until the mud subsides +sufficiently to show where some of the camps are. The Mackerel Brigade +dug out a regiment yesterday, near Alexandria; but there's no use of +continuing the business without a dredging-machine. + +I was talking to Captain Bob Shorty, on Tuesday, respecting the +inactivity of the army, and says he: + +"It's all very well to talk about making an advance, my beauty; but +I've known one of the smartest men in the country to fail in it." + +"What mean you, fellow?" says I. + +"Why," says he, "you know Simpson, your uncle?" + +"I believe you, my boy!" says I. + +"Well!" says Captain Bob Shorty, "that air Simpson is one of the +smartest old cusses in the country--yet there ain't no 'On to Richmond' +about _him_. I asked him once, myself, to make an advance. I asked him +to make an advance on my repeater, and he said he couldn't." + +This argument, my boy, exposes thoroughly the base disloyalty and +fiendish designs of the newspaper brigadiers who are constantly urging +McClellan to advance--advance! Let them all be sent to Fort Lafayette, +and the moral effect on this cursed rebellion will be such that it will +utterly collapse in two hours and forty-three minutes. + +The serious New Haven chap, of whom I spoke to you some time ago, takes +a "radical" view of our long halt, and gives his ideas in + + THE MIDNIGHT WATCH. + + Soldier, soldier, wan and gray, + Standing there so very still, + On the outpost looking South, + What is there to-night to kill? + + Through the mist that rises thick + From the noisome marsh around, + I can see thee like a shade + Cast from something underground. + + And I know that thou art old, + For thy features, sharp, and thin, + Cut their lines upon the shroud + Damply folding thee within. + + Fit art thou to watch and guard + O'er the brake and o'er the bog; + By the glitter of thine eyes + Thou canst pierce a thicker fog. + + Tell me, soldier, grim and old, + If thy tongue is free to say, + What thou seest looking South, + In that still and staring way? + + Yonderward the fires may glow + Of a score of rebel camps; + But thou canst not see their lights, + Through the chilling dews and damps. + + Silent still, and motionless? + Get thee to the tents behind, + Where the flag for which we fight + Plays a foot-ball to the wind. + + Get thee to the bankments high, + Where a thousand cannon sleep, + While the call that bids them wake + Bids a score of millions weep. + + Thou shalt find an army there, + Working out the statesman's plots, + While a poison banes the land, + And a noble nation rots. + + Thou shalt find a soldier-host + Tied and rooted to its place, + Like a woman cowed and dumb, + Staring Treason in the face. + + Dost thou hear me? Speak, or move! + And if thou wouldst pass the line, + Give the password of the night-- + Halt! and give the countersign. + + God of Heaven! what is this + Sounding through the frosty air, + In a cadence stern and slow, + From the figure looming there! + + "Sentry, thou hast spoken well"-- + Through the mist the answer came-- + "I am wrinkled, grim, and old, + May'st thou live to be the same! + + "Thou art here to keep a watch + Over prowlers coming nigh; + I can show thee, looking South, + What is hidden from thine eye. + + "Here, the loyal armies sleep; + There, the foe awaits them all; + Who can tell before the time + Which shall triumph, which shall fall? + + "O, but war's a royal game, + Here a move and there a pause; + Little recks the dazzled world + What may be the winner's cause. + + "In the roar of sweating guns, + In the crash of sabres crossed, + Wisdom dwindles to a fife, + Justice in the smoke is lost. + + "But there is a mightier blow + Than the rain of lead and steel, + Falling from a heavier hand + Than the one the vanquished feel. + + "Let the armies of the North + Rest them thus for many a night; + Not with them the issue lies, + 'Twixt the powers of Wrong and Right. + + "Through the fog that wraps us round + I can see, as with a glass, + Far beyond the rebel hosts + Fires that cluster, pause, and pass. + + "From the wayside and the wood, + From the cabin and the swamp, + Crawl the harbingers of blood, + Black as night, with torch and lamp. + + "Now they blend in one dense throng; + Hark! they whisper, as in ire-- + Catch the word before it dies-- + Hear the horrid murmur--'Fire!' + + "Mothers, with your babes at rest, + Maidens in your dreaming-land-- + Brothers, children--wake ye all! + The Avenger is at hand. + + "Born by thousands in a flash, + Angry flames bescourge the air, + And the howlings of the blacks + Fan them to a fiercer glare. + + "Crash the windows, burst the doors, + Let the helpless call for aid; + From the hell within they rush + On the negro's reeking blade. + + "Through the flaming doorway arch, + Half-dressed women frantic dart; + Demon! spare that kneeling girl-- + God! the knife is in her heart. + + "By his hair so thin and gray + Forth they drag the aged sire; + First, a stab to stop his pray'r-- + Hurl him back into the fire. + + "What! a child, a mother's pride, + Crying shrilly with affright! + Dash the axe upon her skull, + Show no mercy--she is white. + + "Louder, louder roars the flame, + Blotting out the Southern home, + Fainter grow the dying shrieks, + Fiercer cries of vengeance come. + + "Turn, ye armies, where ye stand, + Glaring in each others' eyes; + While ye halt, a cause is won; + While ye wait, a despot dies. + + "Greater victory has been gained + Than the longest sword secures, + And the Wrong has been washed out + With a purer blood than yours." + + Soldier, by my mother's pray'r! + Thou dost act a demon's part; + Tell me, ere I strike thee dead, + Whence thou comest, who thou art. + + Back! I will not let thee pass-- + Why, that dress is Putnam's own! + Soldier, soldier, where art thou? + Vanished--like a shadow gone! + +The Southern Confederacy may come to that yet, my boy, if it don't take +warning in time from its patron Saint. I refer to Saint Domingo, my +boy,--I refer to Saint Domingo. + +Yours, musingly, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XXIX. + +INTRODUCING A VERITABLE "MUDSILL," ILLUSTRATING YANKEE BUSINESS TACT, +NOTING THE DETENTION OF A NEWSPAPER CHARTOGRAPHIST, AND SO ON. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., February 2d, 1862. + +I never really knew what the term "mudsill" meant, my boy, until I saw +Captain Bob Shorty on Tuesday. I was out in a field, just this side of +Fort Corcoran, trimming down the ears of my gothic steed Pegasus, that +he might look less like a Titanic rabbit, when I saw approaching me an +object resembling a brown-stone monument. As it came nearer, I +discovered an eruption of brass buttons at intervals in front, and +presently I observed the lineaments of a Federal face. + +"Strange being!" says I, taking down a pistol from the natural rack on +the side of my steed, and at the same time motioning toward my sword, +which I had hung on one of his hip bones, "Art thou the shade of +Metamora, or the disembodied spirit of a sand-bank?" + +"My ducky darling," responded the aeolian voice of Captain Bob Shorty, +"you behold a mudsill just emerged from a liquified portion of the +sacred soil. The mud at present inclosing the Mackerel Brigade is +unpleasant to the personal feelings of the corps, but the effect at a +distance is unique. As you survey that expanse of mud from Arlington +Heights," continued Captain Bob Shorty, "with the veterans of the +Mackerel Brigade wading about in it up to their chins, you are forcibly +reminded of a limitless plum-pudding, well stocked with animated +raisins." + +"My friend," says I, "the comparison is apt, and reminds me of +Shakspeare's happier efforts. But tell me, my Pylades, has the dredging +for those missing regiments near Alexandria proved successful?" + +Captain Bob Shorty shook the mire from his ears, and then, says he: + +"Two brigades were excavated this morning, and are at present building +a raft to go down to Washington after some soap. Let us not utter +complaints against the mud," continued Captain Bob Shorty, +reflectively, "for it has served to develop the genius of New England. +We dug out a Yankee regiment from Boston first, and the moment those +wooden-nutmeg chaps got their breath, they went to work at the mud that +had almost suffocated them, mixed up some spoiled flour with it, and +are now making their eternal fortunes by peddling it out for patent +cement." + +This remark of the captain's, my boy, shows that the spirit of New +England still retains its natural elasticity, and is capable of greater +efforts than lignum vitae hams and clocks made of barrel hoops and old +coffee-pots. I have heard my ancient grandfather relate an example of +this spirit during the war of 1812. He was with a select assortment of +Pequog chaps at Bladensburg, just before the attack on Washington, and +word came secretly to them that the Britishers down in the Chesapeake +were out of flour, and would pay something handsome for a supply. Now, +these Pequog chaps had no flour, my boy; but that didn't keep them out +of the speculation. They went into the nearest graveyard, dug up all +the tombstones, and put them into an old quartz-crushing machine, +pounded them to powder, sent the powder to the coast, _and sold it to +the Britishers for the very best flour, at twelve dollars and a half a +barrel_! + +And can such a people as this be conquered by a horde of godless +rebels? Never! I repeat it, sir--never! Should the Jeff. Davis mob ever +get possession of Washington, the Yankees would build a wall around the +place, and invite the public to come and see the menagerie, at two +shillings a head. + +On Wednesday, some of our dryest pickets caught a shabby, long-haired +chap loafing around the camps with a big block and sheet of paper under +his arm, and brought him before the general of the Mackerel Brigade. + +"Well, Samyule," says the general to one of the pickets, "what is your +charge against the prisonier?" + +"He is a young man which is a spy," replied Samyule, holding up the +sheet of paper; "and I take this here picture of his to be the Great +Seal of the Southern Confederacy." + +"Why thinkest thou so, my cherub? and what does the work of art +represent?" inquired the general. + +"The drawing is not of the best," responded Samyule, closing one eye, +and viewing the picture critically; "but I should say that it +represented a ham, with a fiddle laid across it, and beefsteaks in the +corners." + +"Miserable vandal!" shouted the long-haired chap, excitedly, "you know +not what you say. I am a Federal artist; and that picture is a map of +the coast of North Carolina, for a New York daily paper." + +"Thunder!" says the general--"if that's a map, a patent gridiron must +be a whole atlas." + +I believe him, my boy! + +As a person of erudition, it pleased me greatly, my boy, to observe +that our more moral New York regiments cultivate a taste for reading, +and are even so literary that they can't so much as light their pipes +without a leaf out of a hymn-book. I was talking to an angular-shaped +chap from Montgomery county the other day about this, and says he: + +"Talk about reading! Why, there's fifty newspapers sent in a wrapper to +our officers alone, every day. There's ten each of the _Tribune_ and +_Times_, ten each of the _Boston Post_ and _Gazette_, ten of the +_Montgomery Democrat_, and one _New York Herald_." + +"Look here! my second Washington," says I, "your story don't hang +together. You say you have fifty papers daily; but according to my +account that copy of the _Herald_ makes fifty-one." + +"Did I not tell you that they came in a wrapper?" says the chap, with +great dignity. + +"You did," says I. + +"Well," says he, "the _Herald_ is the wrapper." + +This morning, my boy, I went with Colonel Wobert Wobinson to look at +some new horses he had just imported from the Erie Canal stables for +the Western cavalry, and was much pleased with the display of +bone-work. One animal, in particular, interested me greatly; he was +born in 1776, had both of his hind-legs broken on the frontier, in one +of the battles of 1812, and lost both his eyes and his tail at the +taking of Mexico. The colonel stated that he had selected this splendid +animal for his own use in the field. + +Another fine calico animal of the stud was attached to the suite of +Washington at the famous crossing of the Delaware, and is said to have +surprised the Hessians at Trenton as much as the army did. Previous to +losing his teeth he was sold to a Western dealer in hides for three +dollars; and the dealer, being an enthusiastic Union man, has let the +Government have the animal for one hundred and ten dollars. + +A mousseline-de-laine mare also attracted my notice. She was sired by +the favorite racer of the Marquis de Lafayette, and has been damned by +everybody attempting to drive her. The pretty beast comes from the +celebrated Bone Mill belonging to the Erie Canal, and only cost the +Government two hundred dollars. + +Believing that the public funds are being judiciously expended, my boy, +I remain, + +Fondly thine own, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XXX. + +DESCRIPTION OF THE GORGEOUS FETE AT THE WHITE HOUSE, INCLUDING THE +OBSERVATIONS OF CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN: WITH SOME NOTE OF THE TOILETTES, +CONFECTIONS, AND PUNCH. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., February 7th, 1862. + +Notwithstanding your general ignorance of Natural History, my boy, you +may be aware that when the eagle is wounded by the huntsman, instead of +seeking some thick-set tree or dismal swamp, there to die like a common +bird, he soars straight upward in the full eye of the sun, and bathes +in all the glories of noonday, while his eyes grow dull with agony, and +his talons are stiffening in death; nor does he fall from the dazzling +empyrean until the last stroke of fate hurls him downward like a +thunderbolt. + +Our Union, my boy--our Land of the Eagle--is stricken sorely, and +perhaps to death; but like the proud bird of Jove, it disdains to grow +morbid in its agonies; and the occasional sighs of its patient +struggling millions, are lost in sounds of death-defying revelry at the +dauntless capital. + +All the best-looking uniforms in the army were invited to Mrs. +Lincoln's ball at the White House on Wednesday, and of course I was +favored, together with the general of the Mackerel Brigade, and Captain +Villiam Brown, of Accomac. My ticket, my boy, was as aristocractic as a +rooster's tail at sunrise: + +[Illustration: + +(CUTLETS.) _E pluri bust Union._ (OYSTERS.) + +ORPHEUS C. KERR, + +Pleasure of your Company at the White House, + +(R.S.V.P.) WEDNESDAY, Feb. 5th, 1862. + +8 o'clock, P.M. + +(HALF MOURNING FOR PRINCE ALBERT.) + +NO SMOKING ALOUD.)] + +At an early hour on the evening of the _fete_, the general of the +Mackerel Brigade came to my room in a perfect perspiration of brass +buttons and white kids, and I asked him what "no smoking aloud" meant. + +"Why," says he, putting his wig straight and licking a stray drop of +brandy from one of his gloves, "it means that if you try to 'smoke' any +of the generals at the ball as to the plan of the campaign, you mustn't +do it 'aloud.' Thunder!" says the general, in a fine glow of +enthusiasm, "the only plan of the campaign that I know anything about, +is the rata-plan." + +Satisfied with the general's explanation, I proceeded with my toilet, +and presently beamed upon him in such a resplendent conglomeration of +ruffles, brass buttons, epaulettes and Hungarian pomade, that he said I +reminded him of a comet just come out of a feather-bed, with its tail +done up in papers. + +"My Magnus Apollo," says he, "the way you bear that white cravat shows +you to be of rich but genteel parentage. Any man," says he, "who can +wear a white cravat without looking like a coachman, may pass for a +gentleman-born. Two-thirds of the clergymen who wear it look like +footmen in their grave-clothes." + +We then took a hack to the White House, my boy, and on arriving there +were delighted to find that the rooms were already filling with +statesmen, miss-statesmen, mrs-statesmen, and officers, who had so much +lace and epaulettes about them that they looked like walking +brass-founderies with the front-door open. + +The first object that attracted my special attention, however, was a +thing that I took for a large and ornamental pair of tongs leaning +against a mantel, figured in blue enamel, with a life-like imitation of +a window-brush on top. I directed the general's attention to it, and +asked him if that was one of the unique gifts presented to the +Government by the late Japanese embassy? + +"Thunder!" says the general, "that's no tongs. It's the young man which +is Captain Villiam Brown, of Accomac. Now that I look at him," says the +general, thoughtfully, "he reminds me of an old-fashioned +straddle-bug." + +Stepping from one lady's dress to another, until I reached the side of +the Commander of the Accomac, I slapped him on the back, and says I: + +"How are you, my blue-bird; and what do you think of this brilliant +assemblage?" + +"Ha!" says Villiam, starting out of a brown study, and putting some +cloves in his mouth, to disguise the water he'd drank on his way from +Accomac--"I was just thinking what my poor old mother would say if she +could see me and the other snobs here to-night. When I look on the +women of America around me to-night," says Villiam, feelingly, "and see +how much they've cut off from the tops of their dresses, to make +bandages for our wounded soldiers, I can't help feeling that their +'neck-or-nothing' appearance--so far from being indelicate, is a very +delicate proof of their devoted love of Union." + +"I agree with you, my azure humanitarian," says I. "There's precious +little _waist_ about such dresses." + +Villiam closed one eye, turned his head one-side like a facetious +canary, and says he: + +"Now lovely woman scants her dress, with bandages the sick to bless; +and stoops so far to war's alarms, her very frock is under arms!" + +I believe him, my boy! + +Returning to the General, we took a turn in the East Room, and enjoyed +the panorama of youth, beauty, and whiskers, that wound its variegated +length before us. + +The charming Mrs. L----, of Illinois, was richly attired in a frock and +gloves, and wore a wreath of flowers from amaranthine bowers. She was +affable as an angel with a new pair of wings, and was universally +allowed to be the most beautiful woman present. + +The enthralling Miss C----, from Ohio, was elegantly clad in a dress, +and wore number-four gaiters. So brilliant was her smile, that when she +laughed at one of Lord Lyons' witicisms, all one corner of the room was +wrapped in a glare of light, and several nervous dowagers cried "Fire!" +Her beauty was certainly the most beautiful present. + +The fascinating Miss L----, of Pennsylvania, was superbly robed in an +attire of costly material, with expensive flounces. She wore two gloves +and a complete pair of ear-rings, and spoke so musically that the +leader of the Marine Band thought there was an aeolian harp in the +window. She was certainly the most beautiful woman present. + +The bewitching Mrs. G----, from Missouri, was splendidly dressed in a +breastpin and lace flounces, and wore her hair brushed back from a +forehead like Mount Athos. Her eyes reminded one of diamond springs +sparkling in the shade of whispering willows. She was decidedly the +finest type of beauty present. + +The President wore his coat and whiskers, and bowed to all salutations +like a graceful door-hinge. + +There was a tall Western Senator present, who smiled so much above his +stomach, that I was reminded of the beautiful lines: + + "As some tall cliff that lifts its awful form, Swells from the + vale, and midway leaves the storm; Though round its base a + country's ruin spread, Eternal moonshine settles on its head." + +Upon going into the supper-room, my boy, I beheld a paradise of +eatables that made me wish myself a knife and pork, with nothing but a +bottle of mustard to keep me company. There were oysters _a la fundum_; +turkeys _a la ruffles_; chickens _a la Methusaleh_; beef _a la Bull +Run_; fruit _a la stumikake_; jellies _a la Kallararmorbus_; and ices +_a la aguefitz_. + +The ornamental confectionary was beautifully symbolical of the times. +At one end of the table, there was a large lump of white candy, with +six carpet-tacks lying upon it. This represented the "Tax on Sugar." At +the other end was a large platter, containing imitation mud, in which +two candy brigadiers were swimming towards each other, with their +swords between their teeth. This symbolized "War." + +These being very hard times, my boy, and the Executive not being +inclined to be too expensive in its marketing, a most ingenious +expedient was adopted to make it appear that there was just twice as +much of certain costly delicacies on the table as there really was. +About the centre of the table lay a large mirror, and on this were +placed a few expensive dishes. Of course, the looking-glass gave them a +double effect. For instance, if there was a pound of beefsteak on the +plate, it produced another pound in the glass, and the effect was two +pounds. + +When economy can be thus artistically blended with plentitude, my boy, +money ceases to be king, and butcher-bills dwindle. Hereafter, when I +receive for my rations a pint of transparent coffee and two granite +biscuit, I shall use a looking-glass for a plate. + +It was the very which-ing hour of the night when the general and myself +left the glittering scene, and we had to ask several patrols "which" +way to go. + +On parting with my comrade-in-arms, says I: + +"General, the ball is a success." + +He looked at me in three winks, and says he: + +"It _was_ a success--particularly the bowl of punch!" + +Yours, for soda-water, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XXXI. + +TREATING OF THE GREAT MILITARY ANACONDA, AND THE MODERN XANTIPPE. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., February 16th, 1862. + +There is still much lingual gymnastics, my boy, concerning the recent +_fete_ sham-pate at the White House; but Colonel Wobert Wobinson, of +the Western Cavalry, has extinguished the grumblers by proving that the +entertainment was strictly Constitutional. He profoundly observes, my +boy, that it comes under the head of that clause of the Constitution +which secures to the people of America the "pursuit of happiness;" and, +as he justly remarks, if you stop the "pursuit of happiness," where's +the Instrument of our Liberties? + +It pleases me greatly to announce, my boy, that the General of the +Mackerel Brigade believes in McClellan, and gorgeously defends him +against the attacks of that portion of the depraved press which has +friends dying of old age in the Army of the Potomac. + +"Thunder!" says he to Captain Bob Shorty, stirring the Oath in his +tumbler with a tooth-brush--"the way Little Mac is devoting himself to +the military squelching of this here unnatural rebellion, is actually +outraging his physical nature. He reviews his staff twice a day, goes +over the river every five minutes, studies international law six hours +before dinner, takes soundings of the mud every time the dew falls, and +takes so little sleep, that there's two inches of dust on one of his +eye-balls. Would you believe it," says the General, placing the tumbler +over his nose to keep off a fly, "his devotion is such that his hair is +turning gray and will probably dye!" + +Captain Bob Shorty whistled. I do not mean to say that he intended to +be musically satirical, my boy; but if I should hear such a canary-bird +remark after _I'd_ told a story, somebody would go home with his eyes +done up in rainbows. + +"Permit _me_," says Captain Bob Shorty, hurling what remained of the +Oath into the aperture under his moustache. "You convince me that +Little Mac's devotion is extraordinary," continued Captain Bob Shorty, +dreamily; "but he don't come up to a chap I once knew, which was a +editor. Talk about devotion! and outraging nature!" says Captain Bob +Shorty, spitting with exquisite accuracy into the eyes of the +regimental cat, "why, that ere editor threw body, soul, and breeches +into his work; and so completely identified himself with a free and +enlightened press, that his first child was a _newsboy_." + +The General of the Mackerel Brigade arose from his seat, my boy, wound +up his watch, brushed off his boots, threw the cat out of the window, +and then says he: + +"Robert, name of Shorty, did you ever read in the Bible about Ananias, +who was struck dead for telling a telegraph?" + +"I heard about him," says Captain Bob Shorty, "when I was but a +innocent lamb, and wore my mother's slipper on my back about as often +as she wore it on her foot." + +"Well," says the general, with the air of a thoughtful parent, "it's my +opinion that if you'd been Ananias, the same streak of lightning would +have buried you and paid the sexton." + +From this logical and vivid conversation, my boy, you will understand +that our leading military men have perfect faith in the genius of +McClellan, and believe that he is equal to fifty yards of the +Star-Spangled Banner. His great anaconda has gathered itself in a +circle around the doomed rabbit of rebellion, and if the rabbit swells +he's a goner. + +This great anaconda, my boy, may remind hellish readers of the anaconda +once seen by a chap of my acquaintance living in the Sixth Ward. This +chap, my boy, came tearing into a place where they kept the Oath on +tap, and says he: + +"I've just seen an anaconda down Broadway." + +"Anna who?" says a red-nosed Alderman, dipping his finger into the +water on the stove to see if it was warm enough to melt some +brandy-refined sugar. + +"I said Anaconda, you ignorant cuss," says the chap. + +"Was it the real insect?" says the Alderman. + +"It was a real, original, genuine Anaconda," says the chap. + +"Ah!" says the Alderman, "somebody's been stuffin' you." + +"No, sir!" says the chap, "but somebody's been stuffin' the Anaconda, +though." + +He'd been to the Museum. + +If there should be among your unfortunate readers, my boy, any persons +of such depraved minds as to perceive a likeness between this Anaconda +and that Anaconda, may they be sent to Fort Lafayette, and compelled to +read Tupper's poems until the rabbit of rebellion is reduced to his +last quarter! + +Early this morning a couple of snuff-colored pickets brought a female +Southern Confederacy into camp, stating that she had called them nasty +things and spit all over their guns. She said that she wanted to see +the loathsome creature that commanded them, and her eyes flashed so +when they took her by the arm, that her vail took fire twice, and her +eyebrows smoked repeatedly. + +The General of the Mackerel Brigade received her courteously, only +poking her in the ribs to see if she had any Armstrong guns concealed +about her. Says he: + +"Have I the honor of addressing the wife of the Southern Confederacy?" + +The female confederacy drew herself up as proudly as the First Family +of Virginia when the butcher's bill comes to be paid, and replied, in +soprano of great compass:-- + +"I am that injured woman, you ugly swine." + +The General bowed until his lips touched a pewter mug on the table, and +then says he: + +"My dear madam, your words touch a tender chord in my heart, and it +will give me pleasure to serve you. Your words, madam," continued the +general, with visible emotion, "are precisely those which my beloved +wife not unfrequently addresses to me. Ah! my wife! my wifey!" says the +general, hysterically, "how often have you patted me on my head, and +told me that my face looked like a chunk of beeswax with three cracks +in it." + +The wife of the Southern Confederacy sneered audibly, and called for a +fan. There being no fan nearer than the office of Secretary Welles, she +used a small whisk-broom. Says she: + +"Miserable hireling of a diabolical Lincoln, your wife is nothing to +me. She is a creature! I do not come here to hear her wrongs, but to +express the undying wish that you and all your horde may be welcomed +with muddy hands to hospitable graves. All I want is to be let alone." + +"My dear Mrs. S. C.," says the general, with a touch of brass and +irony, "it is a matter of the utmost indifference to me whether you are +'to be let alone,' or with the next house and lot." + +"I insist upon being let alone," screamed the female Confederacy, +spitting angrily. + +"I am not touching you," says the general. + +"All I want is to be let alone," shrieked the exasperated lady; "and I +_will_ be let alone!" + +The General of the Mackerel Brigade hastily wiped his mouth with a +bottle, and then says he: + +"Madam, if sandwiches are not plenty where you come from, it ain't for +the want of tongue." + +On hearing this gastronomic remark, my boy, the injured wife of the +Southern Confederacy swept from the room like an insulted Minerva, and +departed for Secessia. It was observed that she frowned like a +thunder-cloud at every Federal she passed, excepting one picket. Him +she smiled on. She had detected him in the act of admiring her ankles +as she picked her way through the mud. + +Woman, my boy, has really many sweet qualities; and if her head is +sometimes in the wrong, she has always a reserve of genuine goodness of +heart in the neighborhood of her gaiters. + +Yours, for the Sex, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XXXII. + +COMMENCING WITH A BURST OF EXULTATION OVER NATIONAL VICTORIES, +REFERRING TO A SENATORIAL MISTAKE, DEPICTING A WELL-KNOWN CHARACTER, +AND REPORTING THE RECONNOISSANCE OF THE WESTERN CENTAURS. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., February 21st, 1862. + +Now swells Columbia's bosom with a pride, that sets her eyes ablaze +with living fire; and, with her arms upreaching to the skies, she draws +in air new crowns with stars adorned, to ring the temples of her +conquering chiefs. Far in the West, she sees the livid sparks struck by +Achilles from the hostile sword, and in the South beholds how Ajax bold +defies the lightning of the rebel guns. Then clasping to her breast the +flag we love, and donning swift Minerva's gleaming helm, she stands +where Morn's first glories kiss the hills, and breathes the paean of a +fame redeemed! + +Three cheers for the chaps who pocketed Fort Donelson & Co., my boy, +and may the rebels never have an easier boat to row than Roanoke. The +other day I was talking with a New England Senator about the taking of +the fort, and says I: + +"It was a gay victory, my learned Theban; but it makes me mad when I +think how that slippery rascal, Floyd, found an egress down the river." + +The Senator pulled up his collar, my boy, observed to the +tumbler-sergeant that he would take the same with a little more sugar +in it, and then says he: + +"In that observation you sum up the whole cause of this unnatural +strife. It is, indeed, the negro, whose wrongs are now being revenged +upon us by an inscrutable Whig Providence; and if the Government does +not speedily strike the fetters from the slave, that slave may yet be +used to fight horribly against us. I shall cite the significant fact +you mention in my next exciting speech." + +I opened my eyes at this outburst until they looked like the bottoms of +two quart bottles beaming in the sunshine, and then says I: + +"You talk as fluently as a Patent Office Report, my worthy Nestor; but +I don't exactly perceive what my remark has to do with the colored +negro." + +"Why," says he, "didn't you say that the traitor Floyd found _a +negress_ down the river?" + +For an instant, my boy, I felt very dizzy, and was obliged to lean my +head against a tumbler for a moment. + +"Your ears, my friend," says I, "are certainly long enough to hear +correctly what is said to you; but this time you've made a slight +mistake. I said that Floyd had found _an egress_ down the river." + +The Senator looked at me for a moment, and says he: + +"Sold by a soldier! Good morning." + +I wonder how those nice, pleasant, gentlemanly chaps down in South +Carolina enjoy Uncle Samuel's latest hit? I can fancy their damaging +effects, my boy, upon the constitution of + + THE SOUTH CAROLINA GENTLEMAN. + + Down in the small Palmetto State, the curious ones may find + A ripping, tearing gentleman, of an uncommon kind-- + A staggering, swaggering sort of chap, who takes his whiskey + straight, + And frequently condemns his eyes to that ultimate vengeance which + a clergyman of high standing has assured us must be the + sinner's fate; + A South Carolina gentleman, + One of the present time. + + You trace his genealogy, and not far back you'll see + A most undoubted octoroon, or mayhap a mustee; + And if you note the shaggy locks that cluster on his brow, + You'll find that every other hair is varied with a kink, that + seldom denotes pure Caucasian blood; but, on the contrary, + betrays an admixture with a race not particularly popular now-- + This South Carolina gentleman, + One of the present time. + + He always wears a full-dress coat--pre-Adamite in cut-- + With waistcoat of the loudest style, through which his ruffles jut. + Six breastpins deck his horrid front: and on his fingers shine + Whole invoices of diamond rings, which would hardly pass muster + with the Original Jacobs in Chatham street, for jewels + gen-u-ine-- + This South Carolina gentleman, + One of the present time. + + He chews tobacco by the pound, and spits upon the floor, + If there is not a box of sand behind the nearest door; + And when he takes his weekly spree, he clears a mighty track + Of everything that bears the shape of whisky-skin, gin-and-sugar, + brandy-sour, peach-and-honey, irrepressible cocktail, + rum-and-gum, and luscious apple-jack-- + This South Carolina gentleman, + One of the present time. + + He looks on grammar as a thing beneath the notice quite + Of any Southern gentleman whose grandfather was white; + And as for education--why, he'll plainly set it forth, + That such d--d nonsense never troubles the heads of the Chivalry; + though it may be sufficiently degrading to merit the personal + attention of the poor wretches unfortunate enough to + make their living at the North-- + This South Carolina gentleman, + One of the present time. + + He licks his niggers daily, like a true American; + And "takes the devil out of them" by this sagacious plan. + He tries his bowie knives upon the fattest he can find; + And if the darkey winces, why--he is immediately arrested at the + instance of the First Families in the neighborhood, on a charge + of conversing with a fiendish abolitionist, and conspiring to + poison all the wells in the State with strychnine, and arm the + slaves of the adjoining plantations with knives and pistols; + for all of which he is very properly sentenced to five hundred + lashes--after which to prison he's consigned (by) + This South Carolina gentleman, + One of the present time. + + If for amusement he's inclined, he coolly looks about + For a parson of the Methodists, or some poor peddler lout; + And having found him, has him hung from some majestic tree-- + Then calls his numerous family to enjoy with him the instructive + and entertaining spectacle of a "suspected abolitionist" + receiving his just reward at the hands of an incensed + com-mu-ni-ty-- + This South Carolina gentleman, + One of the present time. + + He takes to euchre kindly, too, and plays an awful hand, + Especially when those he tricks his style don't understand; + And if he wins, why then he stoops to pocket all the stakes; + But if he loses, then he says unto the unfortunate stranger, who + has chanced to win: "It's my opinion that you are a cursed + abolitionist; and if you don't leave South Carolina in one + hour, you will be hung like a dog." But no offer to pay his + loss he makes-- + This South Carolina gentleman, + One of the present time. + + Of course he's all the time in debt to those who credit give-- + Yet manages upon the best the market yields to live; + But if a Northern creditor asks him his bill to heed, + This honorable gentleman instantly draws two bowie-knives and a + pistol, dons a blue cockade, and declares, that in consequence + of the repeated aggressions of the North, and its gross + violations of the Constitution, he feels that it would utterly + degrade him to pay any debt whatever; and that, in fact, he has + at last determined to SECEDE!-- + This South Carolina gentleman, + One of the present time. + + And when, at length, to Charleston of the other world he goes, + He leaves his children mortgages, with all their other woes. + As slowly fades the vital spark, he doubles up his fists, + And softly murmurs through his teeth: "I die under a full conviction + of my errors in life, and freely forgive all men; but still I + only hope that somewhere on the other side of Jordan I may just + come across some ab-o-li-tion-ists!!"-- + This South Carolina gentleman, + One of the present time. + +Yesterday afternoon, my boy, Colonel Wobert Wobinson, of the Western +Centaurs, ordered Captain Samyule Sa-mith to make a reconnoissance +toward Flint Hill with a company of skeleton cavalry, having learned +that several bushels of oats were stored there. + +Samyule drew up his company in line against a fence, and then says he: + +"Comrades, we go upon a mission that is highly dangurious, and America +expects every hoss to do his duty. If we meet the rebels," continued +Samyule, impressively, "they will try hard to capture some of our +hosses; for they're badly off for gridirons down there, and three or +four of our spirited animals would supply them for the season. If any +of you see them coming after the hardware, just put your gridirons on a +gallop and fall back." + +At the conclusion of this speech, Private Peter Jenkins observed that +he'd been falling back ever since he got his horse; for which he was +sentenced to laugh at all the colonel's jokes for a week. + +Would that I possessed the fiery pen of bully Homer, to describe the +gallant advance of that splendid _corps_, as it trotted fiercely on to +victory or death. At its head was Captain Samyule Sa-mith, mounted on a +horse of some degree of merit, his coat-tails flapping behind him like +banners at half-mast, and his form bouncing about in the saddle like an +inspired jumping-jack. There was Lieutenant Tummis Kagcht, recently of +the German navy, riding an animal with prows as sharp as a yacht and +that was broadside to the road at least half the time. There was +private Peter Jenkins, seated directly over the tail of a +yellow-enameled charger, that walked at right-angles with the fences, +and never stopped to take breath until it had gone three yards. + +There was Sergeant O'Pake, late of Italy, who bestrode a sorrel, whose +side was full of symmetrical gutters to carry the rain off, and who +kept his octagon head directly under the right arm of the horseman +ahead of him. There was private Nick O'Demus, with his sabre tucked +neatly into the eyes of his neighbor, managing an anatomical curiosity +that walked half of the time on his hind-legs, and creaked when it came +to ruts in the road. + +Onward, right onward, went this glittering cavalcade, my boy, until +they came to an outskirt of Flint Hill, where a solitary remnant of a +First Family might have been seen sitting on a fence, eating a +sandwich. + +"Tr-r-aitor!" shouted Captain Samyule Sa-mith, in tones of milk-souring +thunder, "where is the rest of the Confederacy, and what do you think +of the news from Fort Donelson?" + +The Confederacy hiccupped gloomily, my boy, as he took an impression of +its front teeth on the sandwich, and says he: + +"The melancholy days are come--the saddest of the year." + +"That's very true," said Samyule, pleasantly, "and proves you to be a +person of some eddication. But tell me, sweet hermit of the dale," +pursued Samyule, "where are the oats we have heard about?" + +The solitary Confederacy checked a rising cough with another bite at +his ration, and says he: + +"You have the oats already; for they were eaten last night by six +Confederate chickens, and my slave, Mr. Johnson, sold them chickens to +a prospecting detachment of the Mackerel Brigade this morning. Don't +talk to me any more," continued the Confederacy, sadly, "for I am very +miserable, and haven't seen a quarter in six months." + +Samyule seemed touched, and put his hand half-way into his pocket, but +remembered his probable children, and refrained from romantic +generosity. + +"Let me see Mr. Johnson," says he, reflectively, "and I will question +him concerning the South." + +The Confederacy indulged in a plaintive cat-call, whereupon there +emerged from an adjacent clump of bushes a beautiful black being, +richly attired in a heavy seal-ring and a red neck-tie. It was Mr. +Johnson. + +"You have sent for me," says Mr. Johnson, with much dignity, "and I +have come. If you do not want me, I will return." + +"You have seen the tragic Forrest?" said Samyule. + +"The forest is my home," replied Mr. Johnson, "and in its equal shade +my humble hut stands sacredly embowered. As the gifted Whittier might +say: + + "There lofty trees uprear in pillared state, + And crystal streams the thirsty deer elate; + While through the halls that base the dome of leaves + Fall sunshine-harvests spread in golden sheaves. + + "There toy the birds in sweet seclusion blest, + To leap the branches or to build the nest, + While from their throats the grateful song outpoured + Wakes woodland orchestras to praise the Lord. + + "There walks the wolf, no longer driven wild + By panting hounds and huntsman blood-defiled; + But tamed to kindness, seeketh peacefully + The soothing shelter of a hollow tree. + + "Who would be free, and tow'r above his race, + In the full freedom spurning man and place, + Deep in the forest let him rear his clan + Where God himself stands face to face with man." + +Just as the oppressed African finished this rhythmical statement of his +platform, my boy, a huge horse-fly, alighting on the nose of Captain +Samyule Sa-mith, awoke that hero from the refreshing slumber into which +he had fallen. + +"Tell me, Johnson," says he, "how you got your eddication, for I +thought that persons from Afric's sunny mountain went to school about +as often as a cat goes to sea." + +Mr. Johnson placed his hand upon his breast with much stateliness, and +says he: "I entered Yale College as a Spaniard, and having graduated +with all honors, returned to my master, and was at once employed in +cotton culture. I am contented and happy, and have never seen an +uncomfortable day since my wife was sold. Go, stranger, and tell your +people that the South may be overwhelmed, but she can never be +conquered while Johnson has a seal ring to his back." + +On hearing this speech, my boy, Samyule said: + +"About face! skeletons;" and the gridiron cavalry returned to camp in a +brown study. + +The intelligence of the southern slaves is really wonderful, my boy, +and if it should ever come to a head, look out for a rise in wool. + +Yours, contemplatively, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XXXIII. + +EXEMPLIFYING THE TERRIBLE DOMESTIC EFFECTS OF MILITARY INACTIVITY ON +THE POTOMAC, AND DESCRIBING THE METAPHYSICAL CAPTURE OF FORT MUGGINS. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., March 3d, 1862. + +I know a man, my boy, who was driven to lunacy by reliable war news. He +was in the prime of life when the war broke out, and took such an +interest in the struggle that it soon became nearly equal to the +interest on his debts. With all the enthusiasm of vegetable youth he +subscribed for all the papers, and commenced to read the reliable war +news. In this way he learned that all was quiet on the Potomac, and +immediately went to congratulate his friends, and purchase six American +flags. On the following morning he wrapt himself in the banner of his +country and learned from all the papers that all was quiet on the +Potomac. His joy at once became intense; he hoisted a flag on the +lightning-rod of his domicil, purchased a national pocket-handkerchief, +bought six hand-organs that played the Star-Spangled Banner, and drank +nothing but gunpowder tea. In the next six months, however, there was a +great change in our military affairs; the backbone of the rebellion was +broken, the sound of the thunder came from all parts of the sky, and +fifty-three excellent family journals informed the enthusiast that all +was quiet on the Potomac. He now became fairly mad with bliss, and +volunteered to sit up with a young lady whose brother was a soldier. On +the following morning he commenced to read Bancroft's History of the +United States, with Hardee's Tactics appended, only pausing long enough +to learn from the daily papers that all was quiet on the Potomac. Thus, +in a fairy dream of delicious joy, passed the greater part of this +devoted patriot's life; and even as his hair turned gray, and his form +began to bend with old age, his eye flashed in eternal youth over the +still reliable war news. At length there came a great change in the +military career of the Republic; the rebellion received its +death-wound, and Washington's Birthday boomed upon the United States of +America. It was the morning of that glorious day, and the venerable +patriot was tottering about the room with his cane, when his +great-grandchild, a lad of twenty-five, came thundering into the room +with forty-three daily papers under his arm. + +"Old man!" says he, in a transport, "there's great news." + +"Boy, boy!" says the aged patriot, "do not trifle with me. Can it be +that--" + +"Bet your life--" + +"Is it then a fact that--" + +"Yes--" + +"Am I to believe that--" + +"ALL IS QUIET ON THE POTOMAC!" + +It was too much for the venerable Brutus; he clutched at the air, spun +once on his left heel, sang a stave of John Brown's body, and stood +transfixed with ecstacy. + +"Thank Heving," says he, "for sparing me to see this day!" + +After which he became hopelessly insane, my boy, and raved so awfully +about all our great generals turning into Mud-larks that his afflicted +family had to send him to the asylum. + +This veracious and touching biography will show you how dangerous to +public health is reliable war news, and convince you that the +Secretary's order to the press is only a proper insanitary measure. + +I am all the more resigned to it, my boy, because it affects me so +little that I am even able to give you a strictly reliable account of a +great movement that lately took place. + +I went down to Accomac early in the week, my boy, having heard that +Captain Villiam Brown and the Conic Section of the Mackerel Brigade +were about to march upon Fort Muggins, where Jeff Davis, Beauregard, +Mason, Slidell, Yancey, and the whole rebel Congress were believed to +be intrenched. Mounted on my gothic steed Pegasus, who only blew down +once in the whole journey, I repaired to Villiam's department, and was +taking notes of the advance, upon a sheet of paper spread on the +ground, when the commander of Accomac approached me, and says he: + +"What are you doing, my bantam?" + +"I'm taking notes," says I, "for a journal which has such an immense +circulation among our gallant troops that when they begin to read it in +the camps, it looks, from a distance, as though there had just been a +heavy snow-storm." + +"Ah!" says Villiam, thoughtfully, "newspapers and snow-storms are +somewhat alike; for both make black appear white. But," said Villiam +philosophically, "the snow is the more moral; for you can't lie in that +with safety, as you can in a newspaper. In the language of General +Grant at Donelson," says Villiam, sternly: "I propose to move upon your +works immediately." + +And with that he planted one of his boots right in the middle of my +paper. + +"Read that ere Napoleonic dockyment," says Villiam, handing me a +scroll. It was as follows: + + EDICK. + + Having noticed that the press of the United States of America is + making a ass of itself, by giving information to the enemy + concerning the best methods of carrying on the strategy of war, I + do hereby assume control of all special correspondents, forbidding + them to transact anything but private business; neither they, nor + their wives, nor their children, to the third and fourth + generation. + + I. It is ordered, that all advice from editors to the War + Department, to the general commanding, or the generals commanding + the armies in the field, be absolutely forbidden; as such advice is + calculated to make the United States of America a idiot. + + II. Any newspaper publishing any news whatever, however obtained, + shall be excluded from all railroads and steamboats, in order that + country journals, which receive the same news during the following + year, may not be injured in cirkylation. + + III. This control of special correspondents does not include the + correspondent of the London Times, who wouldn't be believed if he + published all the news of the next Christian era. By order of + + VILLIAM BROWN, Eskevire, + Captain Conic Section, Mackerel Brigade. + +I had remounted Pegasus while reading this able State paper, my boy, +and had just finished it, when a nervous member of the advance-guard +accidentally touched off a cannon, whose report was almost immediately +answered by one from the dense fog before us. + +"Ha!" says Captain Villiam Brown, suddenly leaping from his steed, and +creeping under it--to examine if the saddle-girth was all right--"the +fort is right before us in the fog, and the rebels are awake. Let the +Orange County Company advance with their howitzers, and fire to the +north-east." + +The Orange County Company, my boy, instantly wheeled their howitzers +into position, and sent some pounds of grape toward the meridian, the +roar of their weapons of death being instantaneously answered by a +thundering crash in the fog. + +Company 3, Regiment 5, Mackerel Brigade, now went forward six yards at +double-quick, and poured in a rattling volley of musketry, dodging +fearlessly when exactly the same kind of a volley was heard in the fog, +and wishing that they might have a few rebels for supper. + +"Ha!" says Captain Villiam Brown, when he noticed that nobody seemed to +be killed yet; "Providence is on our side, and this here unnatural +rebellion is squelched. Let the Anatomical Cavalry charge into the fog, +and demand the surrender of Fort Muggins," continued Villiam, +compressing his lips with mad valor, "while I repair to that tree back +there, and see if there is not a fiendish secessionist lurking behind +it." + +The Anatomical Cavalry immediately dismounted from their horses, which +were too old to be used in a charge, and gallantly entered the fog, +with their sabres between their teeth, and their hands in their +pockets--it being a part of their tactics to catch a rebel before +cutting his head off. + +In the meantime, my boy, the Orange County howitzers and the Mackerel +muskets were hurling a continuous fire into the clouds, stirring up the +angels, and loosening the smaller planets. Sturdily answered the rebels +from the fog-begirt fort; but not one of our men had yet fallen. + +Captain Villiam Brown was just coming down from the top of a very tall +tree, whither he had gone to search for masked batteries, when the fog +commenced lifting, and disclosed the Anatomical Cavalry returning at +double-quick. + +Instantly our fire ceased, and so did that of the rebels. + +"Does the fort surrender to the United States of America?" says +Villiam, to the captain of the Anatomicals. + +The gallant dragoon, sighed, and says he: + +"I used my magnifying glass, but could find no fort." + +At this moment, my boy, a sharp sunbeam cleft the fog as a sword does a +vail, and the mist rolled away from the scene in two volumes, +disclosing to our view a fine cabbage-patch, with a dense wood beyond. + +Villiam deliberately raised a bottle to his face, and gazed through it +upon the unexpected prospect. + +"Ha!" says he sadly, "the garrison has cut its way through the fog and +escaped, but Fort Muggins is ours! Let the flag of our Union be planted +on the ramparts," says Villiam, with much perspiration, "and I will +immediately issue a proclamation to the people of the United States of +America." + +Believing that Villiam was somewhat too hasty in his conclusions, my +boy, I ventured to insinuate that what he had taken for a fort in the +fog, was really nothing but a cabbage inclosure, and that the escaped +rebels were purely imaginary. + +"Imaginary!" says Villiam, hastily placing his canteen in his pocket. +"Why, didn't you hear the roar of their artillery?" + +"Do you see that thick wood yonder?" says I. + +Says he, "It is visible to the undressed eye." + +"Well," says I, "what you took for the sound of rebel firing, was only +the echo of your own firing in that wood." + +Villiam pondered for a few moments, my boy, like one who was +considering the propriety of saying nothing in as few words as +possible, and then looked angularly at me, and says he: + +"My proclamation to the press will cover all this, and the news of this +here engagement will keep until the war is over. Ah!" says Villiam, "I +wouldn't have the news of this affair published on any account; for if +the Government thought I was trying to cabbage in my Department, it +would make me Minister to Russia immediately." + +As the Conic Section of the Mackerel Brigade returned slowly to +head-quarters, my boy, I thought to myself: How often does man, after +making something his particular forte, discover at last that it is only +a cabbage-patch, and hardly large enough at that for a big hog like +himself! + +Yours, philanthropically, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XXXIV. + +BEGINNING WITH A LAMENTATION, BUT CHANGING MATERIALLY IN TONE AT THE +DICTUM OF JED SMITH. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., March 8th, 1862. + +Two days ago, my boy, a letter from the West informed me that an old +friend of mine had fallen in battle at the very moment of victory. One +by one, my boy, I have lost many friends since the war began, and know +how to bear the stroke; but what will they say in that home to which +the young soldier wafted a nightly prayer? Thither, alas! he goes + + NO MORE. + + Hushed be the song and the love-notes of gladness + That broke with the morn from the cottager's door-- + Muffle the tread in the soft stealth of sadness, + For one who returneth, whose chamber-lamp burneth + No more. + + Silent he lies on the broad path of glory, + Where withers ungarnered the red crop of war. + Grand is his couch, though the pillows are gory, + 'Mid forms that shall battle, 'mid guns that shall rattle + No more. + + Soldier of Freedom, thy marches are ended-- + The dreams that were prophets of triumph are o'er-- + Death with the night of thy manhood is blended-- + The bugle shall call thee, the fight shall enthrall thee + No more. + + Far to the Northward the banners are dimming, + And faint comes the tap of the drummers before; + Low in the tree-tops the swallow is skimming; + Thy comrades shall cheer thee, the weakest shall fear thee + No more. + + Far to the Westward the day is at vespers, + And bows down its head, like a priest, to adore; + Soldier, the twilight for thee has no whispers, + The night shall forsake thee, the morn shall awake thee + No more. + + Wide o'er the plain, where the white tents are gleaming, + In spectral array, like the graves they're before-- + One there is empty, where once thou wert dreaming + Of deeds that are boasted, of One that is toasted + No more. + + When the Commander to-morrow proclaimeth + A list of the brave for the nation to store, + Thou shalt be known with the heroes he nameth, + Who wake from their slumbers, who answer their numbers + No more. + + Hushed be the song and the love-notes of gladness + That broke with the morn from the cottager's door-- + Muffle the tread in the soft stealth of sadness, + For one who returneth, whose chamber-lamp burneth + No more. + +To escape my own thoughts, I went over into a camp of New England +chaps, yesterday, my boy, and one of the first high-privates my eyes +rested on was Jed Smith, of Salsbury. He winked to the chaps lounging +near him, when he noted my doleful look, and says he: + +"You're mopish, comrade. Hez caliker proved deceitful?" + +"No," says I, indifferently. "Calico rather shuns me, as a general +thing, my Down-easter, on account of my plain speaking." + +This startled him, my boy, as I expected it would, and says he: + +"That's jest like the mock-modesty of the wimmin folks all the world +over, and a body might think they had the hull supply and nothin' +shorter; but I tell ye it's the heartiest sow that makes the least +noise, and half this here modesty is all sham. Onct in a while these +here awful modest critters git shook down a bit, I guess; and +gheewhillikins! ef it don't do me good to see it. I recollect I was +goin' down from Augusty some two years ago, in the old stage that Sammy +Tompkins druv, and we had one of the she-critters aboard--and she _was_ +a scrouger, I tell ye! Bonnet red as a blaze, and stuck all over with +stiff geeranium blows, a hump like a Hottentot gal, and sich ankles! +but hold your horses, I'm gettin' ahead of time. We was awful crowded, +and no mistake--piled right on top of each other, like so many layers +of cabbage; and the way that gal squealed when we struck a rut, was a +caution to screech owls. And she was takin' up her sheer of the coach, +too, I guess; and kind of stretched her walkin' geer way under the seat +in front of her, and out t'other side, just to brace herself agin the +diffikilties of travel. It being pretty bad goin' down in them parts, +she had on a pair of her brother's butes, and they was what she +wouldn't have had seen if she'd knowed it. One of the fellers on the +middle seat was Zeb Green--gone to glory some time ago--and when he +spied them butes, he winked to me, and sung out: + +"Gheewhillikins! who owns these ere big trotters?" + +"Now, ye see, the she-critter was one of yer modest ones, and she +wouldn't have owned up for the world, after that. Says she: + +"'I guess they ain't mine.' + +"Zeb see her game in a twinklin', and he was a tall one for a lark; so +says he: + +"'I rayther guess there's petticuts goes with them mud mashers.' + +"The gal she flamed up at that, and says she: + +"'I guess you're barkin' up the wrong saplin', Major, and yer must have +a most audacious turkey on, not to know yer own butes.' + +"Sich lyin' tuk Zeb all aback for a minute; but he combed up his +bristles again, and tried her on another trail. + +"'Now, you don't mean to come for to insinuate that them ere's _my_ +butes, and I not know it?' says he: + +"She was in for it then, and wouldn't back down; so says she: + +"'In course I do, Major, and you'd better look out fur your own +leather.' + +"Zeb took a chaw of his terbacky, and says he: + +"'Well, if you says it's so, I'm bound to swaller the oyster; but I'll +be dod-rotted if my bute-maker won't hev to shave my last next winter.' + +"I seen right off that Zeb was up to the biggest kind of a spree, and I +knew them butes was the gist of it; cause ye see the she-critter +couldn't hull 'em in nohow, after what she'd said. + +"We went wrigglin' along for a while as still as cats in a milk-house, +and the butes stayed where they was. But pretty soon Zeb began to grow +uneasy like, and screwed up his ugly nose, like as if he was took with +the pangs, and the doctor gone a courtin'. + +"'Gheewhillikins!' says he, at last, 'I shan't stand this here much +longer, if there _is_ company in the parlor!' + +"We all looked at him, and says one feller: + +"'I guess, Major, you're took putty bad.' + +"Zeb gave his phizog another twist, an' says he: + +"'You'd better believe it, squire. I've got corns on them ere feet of +mine that'd make a preacher swear, and them butes pinch like all +tarnation.' + +"I see right off how the smoke was blowin', and says I: + +"'Off with 'em, Zeb! We're all in the family, and won't mind you.' + +"That was all the old he-one was waitin' fur; and as quick as I said +it, he had one of that modest gal's feet in his hand, and twisted off +the bute in a twinklin'!! We all see a perfect Wenus of a foot, and a +golfired ankle, and then it was jerked away quicker'n a flash, and the +critter screamed like a rantankerous tom-cat with his tail under a +cheese-knife! + +"'Murder!--you nasty thing,' says she, 'give me my bute.' + +"With that, me, and Zeb, and the hull bilin' of us roared right out; +and says Zeb, says he, as he handed her the bute with a killin' +bow--says he: + +"'Young woman, I guess I've taken your modesty, as the wimmen call it, +down a peg. You sed them was _my_ butes, and in course I had a right to +shed 'em; but ef they're your'n now, why keep 'em to yourself, for +massy's sake!' + +"That settled the gal down some, I tell ye; and it give her such a turn +that her putty face was like a rose when we stopt at the Red Tavern." + +We were so much pleased with this story, my boy, that we entreated the +opponent of mock modesty to spin us another. + +"Well, feller citizens," says he, "I don't mind if I do tell ye about + + "A JOFIRED WAGON-TRADE + + "I onct made down in Texas. You see I was doin' a right smart chance + of trade down in that deestrict with clocks, fur caps, Ingin meal, + and other necessaries of life; and onct in a while I went it blind + on a spekullation, when there was a chance to get a bargain, and + pay fifty per cent. on a stiff swindle. They was an old chap of a + half breed they called Uncle Johnny, down there, and somehow he got + wind of my pertikler cuteness, and he guessed he could run a pretty + sharp saw on me, if he only got a sight. + + "I heerd he was after me, and thinks I 'you'll get a roastin', my + boy, ef you pick up this hot-chestnut;' but I was consated beyond + my powers then, and he was jist one huckleberry above my tallest + persimmon. We cum together one night at Bill Crown's tavern, and + the fust thing the old cuss said was: + + "'Jerewsalem crickets! I'm like a fellow jist out of a feather bed + and no mistake. I tell ye that 'ere wagging uv mine rides jist + about as slick as a railroad of grease, and if it warn't so + allfired big, I wouldn't sell it for its weight in Orleans bank + notes.' + + "I kinder thought I smelt a putty big bed-bug; but I glimpsed outer + the door, and there stood the wagon under the shed, and lookin' + orful temptin'. It war a big four wheel consarn, with a canvas top, + and about as putty a consarn for family use as ever I sot my + winkers on. Thinks I: + + "'You don't fetch me this time, hoss; for I'll be jist a neck ahead + of you!' + + "So I stood a minit, and then says I: + + "'Without lookin' nor nuthin', Uncle Johnny, I'll jest give you $50 + for that 'ere hearse.' + + "He kinder blinked around, and says he: + + "'I'd rather sell my grandmother; but the consarn's yourn, cunnel. + Show yer hand.' + + "He was too willin' to suit me; but the game was outer cover, and I + wouldn't back down. So I give him the rags, and went out to look at + my bargain. Would you 'bleave it, the old varmint had jist fetched + that ere wagon down to the shed, and sot it up end on, so that I + didn't see how the fore-wheels wasn't thar! Fact! They had + marvelled, and the fore-axles was restin' on two hitchin' stakes: + Jist as I got through cussin,' I heerd a jofired larfin, and thar + was the robber and his friends standin' in the door, splittin' + their sides at me. Thinks I, 'I went cheap, then, my beauty; but + look out for a hail-storm when the wind's up next time.' I borreyed + a horse, and took that ar bargain to my shanty; and then I sot down + and went to thinkin'. Fur two days I war as melancholy as a chicken + in gooseberry time, tryin' to hit some plan to get even with the + cuss. All to onct somethin' struck me, and I felt better. Ye see + there was great talk down thar jist then, about the doctor's gig + what they heard tell on, but not a one was there in the hull + deestrict. I'd seen one up in York, and thinks I, 'Ef I don't make + a doctor's two-wheeler outer that ere wagon, then bleed me to death + with a oyster-knife!' So I jist got a big saw, and went to work + quiet like, and cut that ere wagon right in two in the + middle--cover and all. Then I took the shafts and fastened them + onto the hind part, and rigged up a dash-board. And then I took + part of the cut-off piece for a seat, and painted the hull thing + with black paint; and dod-rot me if ef I didn't hev a doctor's gig + as rantankerous as you please! I knew it would fetch a thunderin' + price fur its novelty to any one; but I was after Uncle Johnny, and + nobody else. One night I druv down to the tavern at a tearin' rate, + and the fust feller I see was hisself, a standin' in the door, and + sippin' kill-me-quick. He was kinder took down when he see me + comin' it so piert in my new two-wheeler, and some of his friends + inside axed him what was the matter. He kept as still as a mouse in + a pantry until I come up, and then says he: + + "'What's that ere concern of yourn, hoss?' + + "Says I: + + "'It's one of them doctor's flyers as I'd rather ride in it than in + Queen Victory's bang-up, A, No. 1, stage-coach. It's a scrouger.' + + "He kinder stuck a minute, and then says he: + + "'What'll ye take for it, hoss?' + + "I made out as though I didn't keer, and says I: + + "'It was sent to me by a cousin up in York, and I don't keer to + sell; but yer may take it for $250.' + + "He turned green about the gills at that, and says he: + + "'Say $100, and I'll take it with my eyes shut.' + + "'It's yourn,' says I. 'Give us the rags.' + + "He smelt a bug that time; but it was too late; so he forked out + the rale stuff, and then went to look at the two-wheeler. + + "'Thunder!' says he, blinkin' at the seat. 'I've seen that afore, + or my name isn't what my father's wus!' + + "'Better 'blieve it,' says I; 'that's your four-wheeler shaved down + to the very latest York-fashion.' + + "Then he _did_ cuss; but twarn't no use. The trade was a trade, and + all the boys larfed till their tongues hung out. I treated all + round, and as I left 'em, says I: + + "'Uncle Johnny, when ye want to trade agin, jist pick out a + grindstun that isn't too hard for yer blade.'" + +At the conclusion of this tale of real life I returned to the city, my +boy; impressed with the conviction that the purpose of the sun's rising +in the East is to give the New Englanders the first chance to +monopolize the supply, should daylight ever be a sailable article. + +Yours, admiringly, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XXXV. + +GIVING PRACTICAL ILLUSTRATION OF MODERN PATRIOTISM, AND CELEBRATING THE +ADVANCE OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE TO MANASSAS, ETC. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., March 14th, 1862. + +Patriotism, my boy, is a very beautiful thing. The surgeon of a Western +regiment has analyzed a very nice case of it, and says that it is +peculiar to this hemisphere. He says that it first breaks out in the +mouth, and from thence extends to the heart causing the latter to +swell. He says that it goes on raging until it reaches the pocket, when +it suddenly disappears, leaving the patient very Constitutional and +conservative. "Bless me!" says the surgeon, intently regarding a spoon +with a tumbler round it, "if a genuine American ever dies of patriotism +it will be because the Tax Bill hasn't been applied soon enough." + +I believe him, my boy! + +On Monday morning, just as the sun was rising, like a big gold watch +"put up" at some celestial Simpson's, the sentinels of Fort Corcoran +were seized with horrible tremblings at a sight calculated to make +perpendicular hair fashionable. As far as the eye could reach on every +side of the Capital, the ground was black with an approaching +multitude, each man of which wore large spectacles, and carried a +serious carpet-bag and a bottle-green umbrella. + +"Be jabers!" says one of the sentinels, whose imperfect English +frequently causes him to be taken for the Duc de Chartres, "it's the +whole Southern Confederacy coming to boord with us." + +"Aisey, me boy," says the other sentinel, straightening the barrel of +his musket and holding it very straight to keep the fatal ball from +rolling out, "it's the sperits of all our pravious descindants coming +to ax us, was our grandmother the Saycretary of the Navy." + +Right onward came the multitude, their spectacles glistening in the sun +like so many exasperated young planets, and their umbrellas and +carpet-bags swinging like the pendulums of so many infuriated clocks. + +Pretty soon the advance guard, who was a chap in a white neck-tie and a +hat resembling a stove-pipe in reduced circumstances, poked a sentinel +in the ribs with his umbrella, and says he: + +"Where's Congress?" + +"Is it Congress ye want?" says the sentinel. + +"Yessir!" says the chap. "Yessir. These are friends of mine--ten +thousand six hundred and forty-two free American citizens. We must see +Congress. Yessir!--dammit. How about that tax-bill? We come to protest +against certain features _in_ that bill." + +"Murther an turf!" says the sentinel, "is it the taxes all of them ould +chaps is afther blaming?" + +"Yessir!" says the chap, hysterically jamming his hat down over his +forehead and stabbing himself madly under the arm with his umbrella. +"Taxes is a outrage. Not _all_ taxes," says the chap with sudden +benignity, "but the taxes which fall upon us. Why don't they tax them +as is able to pay, without oppressing us ministers, editors, merchants, +lawyers, grocers, peddlers, and professors of religion?" Here the chap +turned very purple in the face, his eyes bulged greenly out, and says +he: "Congress is a ass." + +"That's thrue for you," says the sentinel: "they ought to eximpt the +whole naytion and tax the rest of it." + +The multitude then swarmed into Washington, my boy, and if they don't +smother the Tax Bill, it will be because Congress is case-hardened. + +The remainder of the Mackerel Brigade being ordered to join the Conic +Section at Accomac for an irresistible advance on Manassas, I mounted +my gothic steed Pegasus on Tuesday morning. + +Pegasus, my boy, has greatly improved since I rubbed him down with +Snobb's Patent Hair Invigorator, and his tail looks much less like a +whisk-broom than it did at first. It is now fully able to maintain +itself against all flies whatsoever. The general of the Mackerel +Brigade rode beside me on a spirited black frame, and says he: + +"That funereal beast of yours is a monument of the home affections. +Thunder!" says the general, shedding a small tear of the color of +Scheidam Schnapps, "I never look at that air horse without thinking of +the time I buried my first baby; its head is shaped so much like a +small coffin." + +On reaching Accomac, my boy, we found Captain Villiam Brown at the head +of the Conic Section of the Mackerel Brigade, dressed principally in a +large sword and brass buttons, and taking the altitude of the sun with +a glass instrument operated by means of a bottle. + +"Ah!" says Villiam, "You are just in time to hear my speech to the sons +of Mars, previous to the capture of Manassas by the United States of +America." + +Hereupon Villiam mounted a demijohn laid length-wise, and says he: + + "FELLOW-ANACONDAS:--Having been informed by a gentleman who has + spent two weeks at Manassas, that the Southern Confederacy has gone + South for its health, I have concluded that it is time to be + offensive. The great Anaconda, having eluded Barnum, is about to + move on the enemy's rear: + + "'Rear aloft your peaks, ye mountings, + Rear aloft your waves, O sea! + Rear your sparkling crests, ye fountings, + For my love's come back to me.' + + "The day of inaction is past, and now the United States of America + is about to swoop down like a exasperated Eagle, on the chickens + left by the hawk. Are you ready, my sagacious reptiles, to spill a + drop or so for your soaking country? Are you ready to rose up as + one man-- + + "'The rose is red, + The wi'lets blue, + Sugar is sweet, and + Bully for you.' + + "Ages to come will look down on this day and say: 'They died + young.' The Present will reply: 'I don't see it;' but the present + is just the last thing for us to think about. Richmond is before + us, and there let it remain. We shall take it in a few years: + + "'It may be for years and it may be for ever, + Then why art thou silent, O pride of me heart.' + + "which is poickry. I hereby divide this here splendid army into one + _corpse dammee_, and take command of it." + +At the conclusion of this thrilling oration, my boy, the _corpse +dammee_ formed itself into a hollow square, in the centre of which +appeared a mail-clad ambulance. + +I looked at this carefully, and then says I to Villiam: + +"Tell me, my gay Achilles, what you carry in that?" + +"Ha!" says Villiam, balancing himself on one leg, "them's my Repeaters. +This morning," says Villiam, sagaciously, "I discovered six Repeaters +among my men. Each of them voted six times last election day, and I've +put them where they can't be killed. Ah!" says Villiam, softly, "the +Democratic party can't afford to lose them Repeaters." + +Here a rather rusty-looking chap stepped out of the ranks, and says he: + +"Captain, I'm a Repeater too. I voted four times last election." + +"It takes six to make a reliable Repeater," says Villiam. + +"Yes," says the chap: "but I voted for different coves--twice for the +Republican candidate and twice for the Democrat." + +"Ha!" says Villiam, "you're a man of intelleck. Here, sargent," says +Villiam, imperiously, "put this cherubim into the ambulance." + +"And, sargent," says Villiam, thoughtfully, "give him the front seat." + +And now, my boy, the march for Manassas commenced, being timed by the +soft music of the band. This band, my boy, is _sui generis_. Its chief +artist is an ardent admirer of Rossini, who performs with great +accuracy upon a night-key pressed closely against the lower lip, the +strains being much like those emitted by a cart-wheel in want of +grease. Then comes a gifted musican from Germany, whose instrument is a +fine-tooth comb wrapped in paper, and blown upon through its vibratory +covering. The remainder of the band is composed chiefly of drums, +though the second-base achieves some fine effects with a superannuated +accordeon. + +Onward moved the magnificent pageant toward the plains of Manassas, the +Anatomical Cavalry being in advance, and the Mackerel Brigade following +closely after. + +Arriving on the noted battle-field, we found nothing but a scene of +desolation; the rebels gone; the masked batteries gone; and nothing +left but a solitary daughter of the sunny South, who cursed us for +invading the peaceful homes of Virginia, and then tried to sell us +stale milk at six shillings a quart. + +When Captain Villiam Brown, surveyed this spectacle, my boy, his brows +knit with portentous anger, and says he: + +"So much for wasting so much time. Ah!" says Villiam, clutching +convulsively at his canteen, "we have met the enemy, and they are +hours--ahead of us." + +The only thing noticeable we found, my boy, upon searching the late +stamping ground of the Southern Confederacy, was a beautiful "romaunt," +evidently written by an oppressed Southern Union man, who had gone from +bad to verse, and descriptive of + + THE SOUTHERN VOLUNTEER'S FAREWELL TO HIS WIFE. + + Fresh from snuff-dipping to his arms she went, + And he, a quid removing from his mouth, + Pressed her in anguish to his manly breast + And spat twice, longingly, toward the South. + + "Zara," he said, and hiccup'd as he spoke, + "Indeed I find it most (hic) 'stremely hard + To leave my wife, my niggers, and my debts, + And march to glory with the 'Davis Guard;' + + "But all to arms the South has called her sons, + And while there's something Southern hands can steal, + You can't (hic) 'spect me to stay here at home + With heartless duns for ever at my heel. + + "To-night a hen-coop falls; and in a week + We'll take the Yankee capital, I think; + But should it prove (hic) 'pedient not to do't, + Why, then, we'll take--in short, we'll take a drink. + + "I reckon I may perish in the strife-- + Some bullet in the back might lay me low-- + And as my business needs attendin' to, + I'll give you some directions ere I go. + + "That cotton-gin I haven't paid for yet-- + The Yankee trusted for it, dear, you know, + And it's a most (hic) 'stremely doubtful thing, + Whether it's ever used again, or no. + + "If Yankee's agent calls while I am gone, + It's my (hic) 'spress command and wish, that you + Denounce him for an abolition spy, + And have him hung before his note is due. + + "That octoroon--who made you jealous, love-- + Who sews so well and is so pale a thing; + She keeps her husband, Sambo, from his work-- + You'd better sell her--well, for what she'll bring. + + "In case your purse runs low while I'm away-- + There's Dinah's children--two (hic) 'spensive whelps; + They won't bring much the way the markets are, + But then you know how every little helps. + + "And there's that Yankee schoolmistress, you know, + Who taught our darlings how to read and spell; + Now don't (hic) 'spend a cent to pay _her_ bill; + If she aren't tarred and feathered, she'll do well! + + "And now, my dear, I go where booty calls, + I leave my whisky, cotton-crop, and thee; + Pray, that in battle I may not (hic) 'spire, + And when you lick the niggers think of me. + + "If on some mournful summer afternoon + They should bring home to you your warrior dead, + Inter me with a toothpick in my hand, + And write a last (hic) _jacet_ o'er my head." + +We found this in the shed lately used by the chivalric Constarveracy as +a guard-house, my boy, and read it with deep emotion. + +Yours, Manassastonished, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XXXVI. + +CONCERNING THE WEAKNESSES OF GREAT MEN, THE CURIOUS MISTAKE OF A +FRATERNAL MACKEREL, AND THE REMARKABLE ALLITERATIVE PERFORMANCE OF +CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., March 20th, 1862. + +When a wise, benign, but not altogether Rhode-Island Providence saw fit +to deal out a few mountains to Eastern Tennessee and Western Virginia, +my boy, it is barely possible that Providence had an eye to the present +crisis of our subtracted country, and intended to furnish the coming +Abe with a fit place for the lofty accommodation of such great men as +were not in immediate demand among the politicians. I am not +topographical by nature, my boy; I never went up to the top of the +White Mountains to see the sun rise, and didn't see; nor did I ever +scale Mount Blanc for the purpose of allowing a fog to settle on my +lungs; but it's my private opinion, my boy, my private opinion, that, +were it not for the perpendicular elevations of the earth's surface in +the States named, it would be necessary for the honest Old Abe either +to turn General Fremont into a reduced Consul, and commission him to +furnish proofs of the nation's reverence for the name of Lafayette, or +coop him up somewhere in solitary grandeur, like a rabbit in a Warren. + +"Great men," says the General of the Mackerel Brigade, as he and I were +looking at some sugar together, the other night, through concave +glasses--"great men," says he, "are like the ears of black-and-tan +terriers; they are good for ornaments, but you must cut off some of +them when you would give them rats. Thunder!" says the general, taking +a perpendicular view of the sugar--"if we didn't cut off great men +occasionally, there'd be more presidential nominations to ratify next +election than ever before struck terrier to the heart of an old-line +whig." + +But you have yet to learn, my boy, what was _the_ great reason for +sending Fremont to the everlasting hills. On Tuesday I asked a knowing +veteran at Willard's what it really was. He looked at me for a moment +in immovable silence; then he softly placed his spoon-gymnasium on a +table, looked cautiously in all directions, crept up to my ear on +tiptoe, and says he: + +"_Kerridges!_" + +"Son of a bottle!" says I, "your information is about as intelligible +as the ordinary remarks of Ralph Waldo Emerson." + +The knowing veteran suffered his nose to take a steam-bath for a +moment, and then says he: + +"Kerridges! Kerridges with six horses and the American flag flying +out of the back window. Fremont's great mistake at the West was +kerridges--_and_ six horses. Did he wish to buy some shoe-strings for +his babes--'Captain Poneyowiski,' says he to his chamberlain, 'order +the second steward to tell the scarlet-and-grey groom to send the +kerridge and six horses round to the door, with a full band on the +box.' Did he wish to make a call on the next block and obtain some Bath +note-paper--'General Nockmynoseoff,' says he to his first esquire in +waiting, 'issue a proclamation to my Master in Chancery to instantly +command the Master of the Horse to get ready the kerridge with six +horses, and send the Life-Guard to clear the way.' In fact," says the +knowing veteran, frowning mysteriously, "it is rumored that when he +came home from Debar's theatre one night, and found the front door of +his head-quarters accidentally locked, he instantly ordered up the +kerridge _and_ six horses, to take him round to the back entrance. +Now," says the knowing veteran, suddenly striking the table a glass +blow that splashed, and assuming an air of embittered argument--"they've +sent him to the mountains to suppress his kerridge." + +This explanation, my boy, may be all a fiction, but certain it is that +General Fremont has not the carriage he had six months ago. + +On Wednesday the gothic steed Pegasus bore me once more to Manassas, +where I found the Mackerel Brigade vowing vengeance for the recent +rebel atrocities, of which I found many outrageous evidences. + +Just as I arrived on the ground, my boy, a Mackerel chap came running +out of a deserted rebel tent with a round object in his hand, and +immediately commenced to tear his hair and speak the language of the +Sixth Ward. + +"My brother! my brother!" says he, eyeing his horrible trophy with +tearful emotion. "O! that I should live to see your beloved skull +turned into a cheese-box by rebels! You was a Boston alderman, a moral +man, and a candidate for the Legislature, before you came to this here +horrid war to be killed by rebels, and have your skull aggravated into +a secession utensil." + +Here the General of the Mackerel Brigade glanced at the heart-sickening +trophy, and says he to the Mackerel chap: + +"Why, you poor ignorant cuss! that there is nothing but a +cocoanut-shell hollowed out." + +"Is it?" says the inferior Mackerel, brightening up, "is it? Well," +says he, feelingly, "I took it for the skull of my brother, the Boston +Alderman--it's so hard and thick." + +These beautiful displays of fraternal emotion are quite frequent, my +boy, and are calculated to shed a lustre of sanctity over the +discoveries of our troops. + +The capture of Richmond being deferred until the younger drummers of +the brigade are old enough to vote in that city, I found Captain +Villiam Brown and Captain Bob Shorty seated at a table in a tent--the +former being engaged with a pen and a decanter, while the latter drew a +map of the campaign with a piece of lemon-peel dipped in something +fragrant. + +It was beautiful to look at these two slashing heroes, as they sat +there in the genial glare of canvas-strained noon-day, with a quart +vessel between them. + +"Comrade," says Captain Bob Shorty to me, cordially, "this here is what +we call intellectual relaxation, with a few liquid vowels to make it +consonant with our tastes." + +"Yes!" says Captain Villiam Brown, with a fascinating and elaborate +wink at the decanter, "the physical man having taken Manassas, the +human intelleck is now in airy play. Ah!" says Villiam, majestically +passing me the disentangled curl-paper on which he had been writing, +"read what I have penned for the perusal of the United States of +America." + +I grasped the document, my boy, and found on it inscribed the following +efficacious effusion: + + FLOYD. + + Felonious Floyd, far-famed for falsifying, + Forever first from Federal forces flying, + From fabrications fanning Fortune's flame, + Finds foul Fugacity factitious Fame. + + Fool! facile Fabler! Fugitive flagitious! + Fear for Futurity, Filcher fictitious! + Fame forced from Folly, finding fawners fled, + Feeds final Failure--failure fungus-fed. + + By CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN, Eskevire. + +"Well, my juvenile Union-blue," says Villiam, smiling like a successful +cherubim, "what do you think of that piece of American intelleck?" + +"I think," says I, "that it is worthy of an F. F. V." + +What followed, my boy, is none of your business, though a sentry near +by subsequently observed that he heard the sound of soft, mellifluous +gurgles come from the interior of the tent. + +Poetry, my boy, is man's best gift; and that, I suppose, is the reason +why it is so popular in young women's boarding-schools. + +Yours, in particular metre, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XXXVII. + +DESCRIBING THE REMARKABLE STRATEGICAL MOVEMENT OF THE CONIC SECTION, +UNDER CAPTAIN BOB SHORTY. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., March 28th, 1862. + +The most interesting natural curiosity here, next to Secretary Welles' +beard, is the office of the Secretary of the Interior. Covered with +spider-webs, and clothed in the dust of ages, my boy, sit the Secretary +and his clerks, like so many respectable mummies in a neglected +pyramid. The Department of the Interior, my boy, is in a humorous +condition; the sales of public lands for the past year amount to about +ten shillings, the only buyer being a conservative Dutchman from New +Jersey, who hasn't heard about the war yet. + +These things weigh upon my spirit, and I was glad to order up my Gothic +stallion, Pegasus, the other day, and rattle down to Manassas once +more. + +Upon reaching that celebrated field of Mars, my boy, I found the +General of the Mackerel Brigade in his tent, surrounded by telegraphic +instruments and railroad maps, while the Conic Section was drawn up in +line outside. + +"You appear to be much absorbed, my venerable Spartan," says I to the +General, as I handled the diaphanous vessel he was using as an act-drop +in the theatre of war. + +The General frowned like an obdurate parent refusing to let his only +daughter marry a coal-heaver, and says he: + +"I'm absorbed in strategy. Eighteen months ago, I was informed by a +contraband that sixty thousand unnatural rebels were intrenched +somewhere near here, and having returned the contraband to his master, +to be immediately shot, I resolved to overwhelm the rebels by strategy. +Thunder!" says the General, perspiring like a pitcher of ice-water in +June, "if there's anything equal to diplomacy it's strategy. And now," +says the General, sternly, "it's my duty to order you to write nothing +about this to the papers. You write about my movements; the papers +publish it, and are sent here; my adjutant takes the papers to the +rebels; and so, you see, my plans are all known. I have no choice but +to suppress you." + +"But," says I, "you might more surely keep the news from the rebels by +arresting the adjutant." + +"Thunder!" says the general, "I never thought of that before." + +Great men, my boy, are never so great but that they can profit +occasionally by a suggestion from the humblest of the species. I once +knew a very great man who went home one night in a shower, and was +horrified at discovering that he could not get his umbrella through the +front door. He was a very great man, understood Sanscrit, made speeches +that nobody could comprehend, and had relatives in Beacon-street, +Boston. There he stood in the rain, my boy, pushing his umbrella this +way and that way, turning it endways and sideways, holding it at acute +angles and obtuse angles; but still it wouldn't go through the door, +nor anything like it. By-and-by there came along a chap of humble +attainments, who sung out: + +"What's the matter, old three-and-sixpence?" + +The great man turned pantingly round, and says he: + +"Ah, my friend, I cannot get my umbrella into the house. I've been +trying for half an hour to wedge it through the door, but I can't get +it through and know not how to act." + +The humble chap stood under a gas-light, my boy, and by the gleams +thereof his mouth was observed to pucker loaferishly. + +"Hev you tried the experiment of _shutting up_ that air umbrella?" says +he. + +The great man gave a start, and says he: + +"Per Jovem! I didn't think to do that." + +And he shut his umbrella and went in peacefully. + +The Conic Section was to make its great strategic movement, my boy, +under Captain Bob Shorty; and, led by that fearless warrior, it set out +at twilight. Onward tramped the heroes according to Hardee, for about +an hour, and then they reached a queer-looking little house with a +great deal of piazza and a very little ground-floor. With his cap +cocked very much over one eye, Captain Bob Shorty knocked at the door, +and was answered by a young maiden of about forty-two. + +"Hast seen any troops pass here of late?" asked Captain Bob Shorty, +with much dignity. + +The Southern maiden, who was a First Family, sniffed indignantly, and +says she: + +"I reckon not, poor hireling Hessian." + +"Forward--double-quick--march!" says Captain Bob Shorty, with much +vehemence; "that ere young woman has been eating onions." + +Onward, right onward through the darkness, went the Conic Section of +the Mackerel Brigade, eager to engage the rebel foe and work out the +genius of strategy. Half an hour, and another house was reached. In +response to the captain's knock a son of chivalry stuck his head out of +a window, and says he: + +"There's nobody at home." + +"Peace, ignoramius!" says Captain Bob Shorty, majestically; "the United +States of America wishes to know if you have seen any troops go by +to-night." + +"Yes," says the chivalry, "my sister saw a company go by just now, I +reckon." + +"Forward--double-quick--march!" says Captain Bob Shorty, "we can catch +the Confederacy alive if we're quick enough." + +And now, my boy, the march was resumed with new vigor, for it was +certain that the enemy was right in front, and might be strategically +annihilated. A long time passed, however, without the discovery of a +soul, and it was after midnight when the next house was gained. + +A small black contraband came to the door, and says he: + +"By gorry, mars'r sogerum, what you hab?" + +"Tell me, young Christy's minstrel," says Captain Bob Shorty, "have any +troops passed here to-night?" + +The contraband turned a summerset, and says he: + +"Mars' and misses hab seen two companies dis berry night, so helpum +God." + +"Forward--double-quick--march!" says Captain Bob Shorty. "Two companies +is rather heavy for this here band of Spartans, but it is sweet to die +for one's country." + +The march went on, my boy, until we got to the next house, where the +inmates refused to appear, but shouted that they had seen _three_ +companies go past. At this Captain Bob Shorty was heard to scratch his +head in the darkness, and says he: + +"This here strategy is a good thing at decent odds: but when it's three +to one, it's more respectable to have all quiet on the Potomac. Halt, +fellow wictims, and let us wait here until the daily sun is issued by +the divine editor." + +The orb of light was calmly stealing up the east, my boy, when Captain +Bob Shorty sprang from his blanket and observed the house, before which +the Conic Section was encamped, with protruding eyes. + +"By all that's blue!" says Captain Bob Shorty, "if that ain't the werry +identical house where we saw the vinegar maiden last night!" + +And so it was, my boy! The Conic Section of the Mackerel Brigade had +been going round and round on a private race-course all night, stopping +four times at the same judge's stand, and going after their own tails, +like so many humorous cats. + +Strategy, my boy, is a profound science, and don't cost more than two +millions a day, while the money lasts. + +Yours, in deep cogitation, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XXXVIII. + +INTRODUCING THE VERITABLE "HYMN OF THE CONTRABANDS," WITH EMANCIPATION +MUSIC, AND DESCRIBING THE TERRIFIC COMBAT A LA MAIN BETWEEN CAPTAIN +VILLIAM BROWN, OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND CAPTAIN MUNCHAUSEN, +OF THE SOUTHERN CONFEDERACY. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., April 4th, 1862. + +Knowing you to be a connoisseur in horse-flesh, my boy, it is but +proper I should tell you that I have leased my steed, the gothic +Pegasus, for a few days to an army carpenter, that gentleman having +expressed a wish to use my architectural animal as a model for some new +barracks. Pegasus, my boy, when viewed lengthwise, presents a +perspective not unlike a Hoboken cottage, and eminent builders tell me +that his back is the very beau ideal of a combination roof. I sent a +side-view photograph of the fiery stallion to a venerable grandmother +not long since, and she wrote back that she was glad to see I had my +quarters elevated on piles to avoid dampness, but should think the hut +would smoke with such a crooked chimney! The old lady is rather hard of +hearing, my boy, and makes trifling mistakes without her spectacles. + +In the absence of my war-horse I hired a respectable hack to take me to +Manassas, the driver saying that he would not charge me more than ten +dollars an hour, as he had seen better days himself. What his seeing +better days had to do with me I didn't exactly see, my boy; but I hired +the chariot, and we went down the river at a pace sometimes achieved by +that carriage in a funeral which contains the parents of the deceased. + +Wet towels, soda-water, and a few wholesome kicks in the rear having +rendered Company 3, Regiment 5, Mackerel Brigade, sufficiently certain +of their legs to march a polka in the space of an ordinary corn field, +Captain Villiam Brown placed himself at their head, and, flanked by a +canteen and an adjutant, the combined pageant was just about to move on +a reconnoitering expedition as I came up. + +"Ha!" said Villiam, hastily placing his shirt-frill over the neck of a +bottle that accidentally peeped from his bosom--"I am about to lead +these noble beings on the path of glory, and you shall participate in +the beams." + +Without a word, I turned his left wing; and as the band, which +consisted of a fat Dutchman and a night-key bugle, struck up "Drops of +Brandy," we moved onward, like the celestial vision of childhood's +dream. + +Like the radiance of a higher heaven streaming through the +golden-tinted windows of some grand old cathedral, fell the softened +light of that April afternoon, on budding Nature, as we halted before a +piece of woods just this side of Strasburg. On the new leaves of the +trees in front of us the sunshine coined a thousand phantom cataracts +of specie, and in the vale below us a delicate purple shadow wrestled +with the hill-reflected fire of the sun. Deep silence fell on Company +3, Regiment 5, Mackerel Brigade; the band put his instrument on the +ring with the key of his trunk, and Villiam softly reconnoitred through +a spy-glass furnished with a cork. Suddenly the tones of a rich, manly +voice swelled up from the bosom of the valley. + +"Hush!" says Villiam, sternly eyeing the band, who had just +hiccupped--"'tis the song of the Contrabands." + +[Illustration] + +We all listened, and could distinctly hear the following words of the +singer: + + "They're holding camp-meeting in Hickory Swamp, + O, let my people go; + De preacher's so dark dat he carry um lamp, + O, let my people go. + De brudders am singing dis jubilee tune, + O, let my people go; + Two dollars a year for de Weekly Tribune, + O, let my people go!" + +As the strain died away in the distance, the adjutant slapped his left +leg. + +"Why," said he, dreamily, "that must be Greeley down there." + +"No!" says Villiam, solemnly, "it is one of the wronged children of +tyranny warbling the suppressed hymn of his injured people. It is a +sign," says Villiam, trembling with bravery, "that the Southern +Confederacy is somewhere around; for when you hear the squeak of the +agonized rat," said Villiam, philosophically, "you may be sure that the +sanguinary terrier is on the war-path." + +Scarcely had he spoken, my boy, when there emerged from the edge of the +wood before us a rebel company, headed by an officer of hairy +countenance and much shirt collar. This officer's face was a whisker +plantation, through which his eyes peeped forth like two snakes coiled +up in a window-brush. His dress was shoddy, his air was toddy, and a +yard of valuable stair-carpet enveloped his manly shoulders. + +"Halt!" said he to his file of reptiles, whose general effect was that +of a congress of rag-merchants just come in from a happy speculation in +George-Law muskets. + +"Sir," said the officer, bowing in a graceful semicircle, "I am +somewhat in the First Family way, own a plantation, drink but little +water at home, and have the honor to be Captain Munchausen, of the +Southern Confederacy." + +"Dost fence?" says Villiam, grimly drawing his sword. + +"Fence!" says Captain Munchausen, also drawing his disguised crowbar. +"Didst ever hear, boy, or read, of that great fencer of the olden time, +the Chevalier St. George?" + +"Often," says Villiam, in a tone that was as plainly the echo of a lie +as is that of the delicate female eater of slate-pencils, when she says +that she never could bear pork and beans. + +"Well," says Captain Munchausen, haughtily, "the chevalier was so +extremely jealous of my superior skill, that he actually went and died +nearly a hundred years before I was born." + +"Soap," says Villiam, like one talking in his sleep, "is sometimes made +with powerful lie." + +"By Chivalry!" says Captain Munchausen, cholerically; "I swear, I never +told a single lie in all my life." + +"A _single_ lie!" says Villiam, abstractedly; "ah, no! for the lies of +the Southern Confederacy are all married, and have large families." + +This domestic speech, my boy, was too much for Munchausen. Asking one +of the rag merchants to hold his three-ply overcoat, and carefully +removing his fragmentary cap, that none of the cold potatoes should +spill out of it, he planted the remains of his right boot slightly in +advance of the skeleton of his left, and thundered: + +"'Sblood!" + +Quick as the lightning leaps along the cloud did Captain Villiam Brown +send the great toe of his dexter foot to meet that of his foe; his +Damascus blade lay across the opposing brand, and he whispered: + +"'Sdeath!" + +It was a beautiful sight--by Minerva it was! + +"Stop!" says Villiam, suddenly hauling in his weapon again; "it shall +never be said that I took advantage of a foeman." + +As he uttered these memorable words, my boy, this ornament of the +service plucked an infant demijohn from his fearless bosom and +magnanimously passed it to his antagonist. + +A soft commotion was visible in the whiskers of Captain Munchausen--the +suburb of a smile as it were; a cavern opened in their midst, the +vessel ascended curvilinearly thereto, and the sound was as the +trickling of water down a mountain gulch. + +The adjutant took his seat on the sleeping body of the band, and with +pencil and paper prepared to record the combat. The opposing champions +faced each other, and as Villiam once more raised his blade he smiled +horribly. + +Then, my boy, was witnessed a scene to make old Charlemagne's paladins +dance High-jinks in their graves, and call all the Arturian knights to +life again. _Carte et tierce!_ but it was a spectacle for Hector and +Achilles. With swords pointed straight at each other's noses did the +valorous heroes skip wildly back, and then as wildly forward. Slam! +bang! crack! smack! right and left! over and under! parry, feint, and +_premiere force_! Now did they hop fierily along on opposite sides of +the road, eyeing each other like demoniac Thomas Cats upon the moonlit +fence. Ever and anon did they dart furiously to the centre, cutting the +blessed atmosphere to invisible splinters, and slaying imaginary +legions. + +But a crisis was at hand! In one of his terrible chops, the cool and +collected Villiam brought his deadly weapon down full upon the knuckles +of the enemy. But for the fact that Villiam's sword was not quite as +sharp as the side of an ordinary three-story house, Munchausen's hand +would never more have wielded trenchant blade. As it was, he hastily +dashed his brand to the ground, crammed his knuckles into his mouth, +struck up an impassioned dance, and mumbled, in extreme agitation: + +"Golfire your cursed abolition soul!" + +It was beautiful, my boy, to see how the calm Villiam leaned upon his +sword and smiled. + +"Ah!" says Villiam, "so perish the foes of the Union, the Constitution, +and the Enforcement of the Laws. I have bruised the Confederacy.--Adjutant!" +says Villiam, in a sudden burst of pardonable exultation, "score one +for the United States of America!" + +Now it happened, my boy, that, as Villiam said this, he turned to where +the adjutant was sitting, and bent down to give particular directions. +His body was thus made to assume somewhat of the shape of the letter U, +the curve being sharply toward the enemy. In an instant Captain +Munchausen regained his sword, grasped it after the manner of a flail, +and, with a prodigious spank, applied it to the unguarded portion of my +hero's anatomy. + +High sprang the almost assassinated Villiam into the air, with sparks +pouring from his eyes, and Union oaths hissing from his working jaws. + +"Adjutant!" roared Captain Munchausen, "score one for the Southern +Confederacy!" + +No sooner had Villiam reached the ground and picked up the cork that +had fallen from his bosom as he ascended, than he plunged rampagiously +at his adversary, and aimed a blow at his head that must have taken it +off had Captain Munchausen been about a yard taller. As it was, the +stroke mercilessly split the air, and caused my hero to spin like a +mighty top. + +In vain did the shameless Confederate swordsman endeavor to get in a +hit as Villiam went round; the sword of the Union met him at every +turn, and right quickly was the avenging blade humming around his head +again. Inspired with the strength of Hercules, the endurance of +Prometheus, and the fire of Pluto, the gorgeous Villiam Brown went at +his work once more, like a feller of great trees, and in another moment +his awful blade twanged upon the foeman's head. + +Down went Captain Munchausen singing inverted psalms, with a whole nest +of rockets exploding in his brain. Pale turned his rag merchants at the +sight, and one of them immediately deserted to our side and swore that +he had always been a Union man. + +Villiam leaned upon his blade, and kindly remarked: + +"His head is broken; I heard it crack." + +"'Tis false!" says Captain Munchausen, gloomily; "that is an old +crack--I've had it ever since I was a boy." + +"Ah!" says Villiam, airily, "I'm afraid my blow has caused more than +one funeral in the inseck kingdom, for the cut went right through the +hair. Have a comb?" says Villiam, pleasantly. + +Captain Munchausen made no reply, my boy, but motioned for his men to +bear him from the field. It was noticed however, that, as he was being +carried into the wood, he asked a gentleman in remarkable tatters, to +take him to the last ditch. + +As the Southern Confederacy disappeared, Captain Villiam Brown hammered +his sword straight with a bit of stone, forced it into its scabbard, +and turned majestically to Company 3, Regiment 5, Mackerel Brigade, +several members of which were engaged in the athletic game of +pitch-penny. + +"Let the band be awakened," says Villiam. + +A Mackerel at once proceeded to break the slumbers of the orchestra, by +shaking a bottle near his ear--that experiment having never been known +to fail in the case of a pronounced musical character. + +"Ha!" says Villiam, with much spirit, "we will march to the national +airs of our distracted country!" + +After sounding several cat-calls on his night-key bugle, in the manner +of all great instrumentalists who wish to know about their instruments +being in tune, the band struck up "Ale to the Chief," and we marched to +quarters like so many heroes of ancient Rum. + +Shall treason triumph in our land, my boy, while there's a sword to +wave? I think not, my boy, I think not. Though Columbia did not rule +the wave, her champions would see to it that she never waived the rule. + +Yours, for the Star-Spangled, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XXXIX. + +SHOWING HOW A REBEL WAS REDUCED, AND CONVERTED TO "RECONSTRUCTION," BY +THE VALOROUS ORANGE COUNTY HOWITZERS. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., April 13th, 1862. + +The stirring times are come again, the maddest of the year, and I am +beginning to believe, my boy, that what is to be will be as what has +been has. Though still without my Gothic charger, Pegasus, that +symmetrical racer having been borrowed for a writing-desk by a +Secretary of the Fronterior, I am enabled to keep up communications +with the Mackerel _corpse dammee_ down the river, and ten thousand +star-spangled banners flash through my veins as I relate the recent +great artillery expedition of the Orange County Howitzers. + +It seems, my boy, that an intellectual member of the Mackerel Brigade +got tired of investing Yorktown, and wandered away in pursuit of +adventure. As he peregrinated in the neighborhood of a rebel domicil, +he beheld what he took for the bird of our country, stalking out of the +barnyard, and was taking measures to confiscate it, when the proprietor +made his appearance, and says he: + +"Hessian, spare that goose!" + +The Mackerel chap gave a tragic start, and says he: + +"'Tis the Eagle I would rescue, Horatio; the bird celebrated by my +brother, the Congressman, in all his speeches." + +"Well," says the foul traitor, "it is undoubtedly what the Congressman +takes for an Eagle, as I am aware that Congressmen generally treat the +American Eagle as if he were a goose; but as that gander happens to +belong to one of the very First Families of Virginia, and cost me four +shillings, it becomes my painful duty to resist your habeas corpus +act." And with that he drove the beautiful bird into the barnyard, and +locked the gate. + +Fired to fury by this insult from one of those whom our army had come +to protect, the Mackerel chap went immediately back to quarters, and +appealed to his comrades for vengeance. + +That gifted officer Samyule Sa-mith, heard his burning words, and says +he: + +"The cannon of the Union shall speak in this matter. Let the Orange +County Howitzers get ready for action, and I will lead them against the +Philistine." + +Instantly arose the notes of dreadful preparation; the guns were +mobilized, six English gentlemen in the hosiery business were invited +to view the coming battle, and just as the moon rose above the trees, +the artillery started for the rebel stronghold. + +Arriving before the offending house, the howitzers were placed in line, +and all got ready for the bombardment. It was just possible, my boy, +that two men might have marched into that house, and captured the +misguided Confederacy without slaughter. You may be unable to see what +use there was in bringing artillery and forming in line of battle; but +you are very ignorant, my boy; you know nothing about strategy and war. + +"Soldiers," says Samyule, "remember that the eyes of the whole world +are upon you at this moment, and endeavor to hit the house as often as +possible. We will fire one round without ball," says Samyule, "to see +if the powder is first-class." + +Now it chanced that while the loading-up was going on, the gallant +Lieutenant Lemons got his legs wonderfully entangled in the lanyard of +his piece, and kept turning the howitzer around in a manner strongly +expressive of nervous agitation. Suddenly he stepped across to where +Samyule was standing, and whispered in his ear. + +"O, I see," says Samyule, kindly, "you were educated at West Point, and +want to know which end of the cannon ought to be pointed at the enemy. +Well," says Samyule, instructively, "you'd better point the end with a +hole in it." + +Everything being in readiness, my boy, the combined battery launched +its thunders on the air, creating a great sensation in the neigboring +hen-roosts, and causing a large rooster to fall from a branch in the +midst of his refreshing slumbers. + +"Now, that the powder has sustained its reputation," says Samyule, +impressively, "let the two-inch balls be hurled at the enemy's works." + +As the house was full ten yards off, this second discharge failed to +hit it; but it brought the Southern Confederacy to the window in his +night-cap, and says he: + +"There's no use of my trying to sleep, if you chaps keep making such a +noise down there." + +"Unhappy man," says Samyule, solemnly, "we come here to reduce you, and +will listen to nothing but unconditional surrender." + +The Confederacy gaped, and says he: + +"I'm very sleepy, and can't talk to you now; but I'll call over in the +morning." + +And he shut the window, and went back to bed. A frown was observed to +steal over the face of Samyule. He has a peculiar countenance, my boy, +and a frown affects it strangely. Take his mouth and moustache +together, and they remind you of a mouse sunning himself on the edge of +his hole; and when the frown comes on, the mouse acts as though he had +a stomach-ache. + +"Comrades," says Samyule, "the enemy requires another round, and we +must do it on the square. Fire!" + +Like four-and-twenty thunder-storms the howitzers roared together, and +had not the Orange County veterans forgotten to put in any balls, there +is reason to believe that some windows would have been broken. Another +discharge, however, was more successful, as it knocked the top off the +chimney. + +The Southern Confederacy appeared at the window again, and says he: + +"If you fellows don't quit that racket down there, you'll irritate me +pretty soon." + +This significant remark caused a sudden cessation of the bombardment, +and Samyule hastily called a council of war. + +"Gentlemen," says Samyule, "a new issue has arisen. If we irritate the +Southern Confederacy, all hopes of future Union and reconstruction may +be destroyed." + +A chap who was a conservative democrat suddenly flamed up at this, and +says he: + +"The abolitionists caused this terrible war, and it is our business, as +no-party men, to finish it Constitutionally. If we irritate this man, +no power on earth will ever make him submit to reconstruction. Ask +him." + +Here the democratic chap took a large taste of tobacco, and sighed for +his country. + +"Mr. Davis," says Samyule to the Confederacy at the window, "if we do +not irritate you, will you consent to be reconstructed?" + +"Reconstructed!" says the Confederacy, thoughtfully; "reconstructed! +Ah!" says he, "you mean, will I consent to be born again?" + +"Yes," says Samyule, metaphysically; "will you consent to be borne +again, as we have borne with you heretofore?" + +The Confederacy thought awhile, and then says he: + +"Consider me reconstructed." + +As that was all the Constitution asked, of course there was no more to +be done, and the Orange County Howitzers returned to their original +position in the mire, the English gentlemen remarking that the +appearance and discipline of our troops were satisfactory to Albion. + +Fighting according to the Constitution, my boy, is such an admirable +way of preventing carnage, that some doctor ought to take out a patent +for it as a cheap medicine. + +Yours to come, and + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XL. + +RENDERING TRIBUTE OF ADMIRATION TO THE WOMEN OF AMERICA, WITH A +REMINISCENCE OF HOBBS & DOBBS, ETC. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., April 18th, 1862. + +Having a leisure hour at my disposal, my boy, and being reminded of +infatuating crinoline by the reception of certain bird-like notes in +chirography strongly resembling the exquisite edging on delicious +pantalettes, I turn my attention to that beautiful creation which is +fearfully and wonderfully maid, and wears distracting gaiters. + +Woman, my boy, at her worst, is a source of real happiness to the +sterner sex. There's a chap in the Mackerel Brigade who got very +melancholy one day after receiving a letter from home, wherein he was +affectionately called "a unnatural and wicious creetur" for not sending +his better-half a new dress and some hair-pins. Seeing his affliction, +and divining its cause, another Mackerel stepped up to him, and says +he: + +"Is it the old woman which is on a tare?" + +The married chap groaned, and says he: + +"She's mad as a hornet. I do believe," says the married chap, turning +very pale, "that she'll take away my night-key, and teach my babes to +call me the Old File." + +"Well," says the comforting Mackerel, "then why did you get married? +Why didn't you stay a single bachelor like me, and enjoy the pursuit of +happiness in the Fire Department?" + +"Happiness!" says the married chap, "why it was expressly to enjoy +happiness that I wedded. Step this way," says the married chap, with a +horrible smile, leading his consoler aside, "ain't the women of America +mortal?" + +"Yes," says the Mackerel thoughtfully. + +"And don't they die?" + +"Yes," says the Mackerel. "That is to say," added the Mackerel, +contemplatively, "they sometimes die when there's new and expensive +tombstones in fashion." + +"Peter Perkins!" says the married chap, with a smile of wild bliss, "I +wouldn't miss the happiness I shall feel when my angel returns to her +native hevings, for the sake of being twenty bachelors. No!" says the +married chap, clutching his bosom, "I've lived on the thought of that +air bliss ever since the morning my female pardner threw my box of +long-sixes out of the window, and called in the police because I +brought a waluable terrier home with me." Here the married chap +uncorked his canteen and eyed it with speechless fury. + +Tears came to the eyes of the unwomantic Mackerel; he extended his +hand, and says he: + +"Say no more, Bobby--say no more. If you ain't got the correck idea of +Heaven there's no such place on the map." + +I give you this touching conversation between two of nature's noblemen, +my boy, that you may appreciate that beautiful dispensation of +Providence which endows woman with the slighter failings of humanity, +yet gives her the power to brighten the mind of inferior man with +glorious visions of joy beyond the grave. + +My arm has been strengthened in this war, my boy, by the inspiration of +woman's courage, and aided by her almost miraculous foresight. Only +yesterday, a fair girl of forty-three summers, thoughtfully sent me a +box, containing two gross of assorted fish-hooks, three cook-books, one +dozen of Tubbses best spool-cotton, three door-plates, a package of +patent geranium-roots, two yards of Brussels carpet, Rumford's +illustrated work on Perpetual Intoxication, ten bottles of +furniture-polish, and some wall-paper. Accompanying these articles, so +valuable to a soldier on the march, was a note, in which the +kind-hearted girl said that the things were intended for our sick and +wounded troops, and were the voluntary tributes of a loyal and +dreamy-souled woman. I tried a dose of the furniture-polish, my boy, on +a chap that had the measles, and he has felt so much like a sofa ever +since, that a coroner's jury will sit on him to-morrow. + +The remainder of this susceptible young creature's note, my boy, was +calculated to move a heart of stone. She asked if it hurt much to be +killed, and said she should think the President might sue Jeff Davis, +or commit habeas corpus or some other ridiculous thing, to stop this +dreadful, spirit-agonizing war. She said that her deepest heart-throbs +and dream-yearnings were for the crimson-consecrated Union, and that +she had lavished her most harrowing hope-sobs for its heaven-triumph. +She said that she had a friend, named Smith, in the army, and wished I +could find him out, and tell him that the human heart, though repining +at the absence of the beloved object, may be coldly proud as a scornful +statute to the stranger's eye, but pines like a soul-murdered +water-lily on the lovely stream of its twilight-brooding +contemplations. + +Anxious to oblige her, my boy, I asked the General of the Mackerel +Brigade if he knew a soldier "of the name of Smith?" + +The General thought awhile, and says he: + +"Not one. There are many of the name of Sa-mith," says the general, +screening his eye from the sun with a bottle, "and the Smythes are +numerous; but the Smiths all died as soon as the Prince of Wales came +to this country." + +This is an age of great aristocracy, my boy, and the name of Smith is +confined to tombstones. I once knew a chap named Hobbs, who made knobs, +and had a partner named Dobbs; and he never could get married until he +changed his title; for what sensitive and delicately-nerved female +would marry a man whose business-card read, "Try Hobbs & Dobbs' Knobs?" +Finally, he called himself De Hobbs, and wedded a Miss Podger--pronounced +Po-gshay. After that, he cut his partner, ordered his friends to cease +calling him Jack, and in compliance with the wishes of his wife's +family, got out a business-card like this: + + JACQUES DE HOBBS, + TRY HIS + DOOR-PERSUADERS. + +But, to return to the women of America, there was one of them came out +to our camp not long ago, my boy, with six Saratoga trunks full of +moral reading for our troops. She was distributing the cheerful works +among the veterans, when she happened to come across Private Jinks, who +had just got his rations, and was swearing audibly at the collection of +wild beasts he had found in one of his biscuits. + +"Young man," says she, in a vinegar manner, "do you want to be damned?" + +Private Jinks reflected a moment, and says he: + +"Really, mem, I don't know enough about horses to say." + +The literary agent was greatly shocked, but recovered in time to hand +the warrior a small book, and told him to read it and be saved. + +It was a small and enlivening volume, my boy, written by a missionary +lately served up for breakfast by the Emperor of Glorygoolia, and +entitled "The Fire that Never is Quenched." + +Jinks looked at the book, and says he: + +"What district is that fire in?" + +The daughter of the Republic bit off a small piece of cough candy, and +says she: + +"It's down below, young man, where you bid fair to go." + +"And will it never be put out?" says Private Jinks. + +The deeply-affected crinoline shook her head until all her combs +rattled, and says she: + +"No, young man; it will burn, and burn, young man." + +"Then I'm safe enough!" says Private Jinks, slapping his knee; "for I'm +a member of Forty Hose, and if that air fire is to keep burning, +they'll have to have a paid Fire Department down there, and shut us +fellows out." + +The daughter of the Republic instantly left him, my boy; and when next +I saw her, she was arguing with one of the chaplains, who pretended to +believe that firemen sometimes went to Heaven. + +Woman, my boy, is an angel in disguise; and if she had wings what a +rise there would be in bonnets! + +Yours, for the next Philharmonic, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XLI. + +CITING A NOTABLE CASE OF VOLUNTEER SURGERY, AND GIVING AN OUTLINE +SKETCH OF "COTTON SEMINARY." + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., April 25th, 1862. + +There is a certain something about a sick-room, my boy, that makes me +think seriously of my latter end, and recognize physicians as true +heroes of the bottle-field. The subdued swearing of the sufferer on his +bed, the muffled tread of the venerable nurse, as she comes into the +room to make sure that the brandy recommended by the doctor is not too +mild for the patient, the sepulchral shout of the regimental cat as she +recognizes the tread of Jacob Barker, the sergeant's bull-terrier, +outside; all these are things to make the spectator remember that we +are but dust, and that to return to dust is our dustiny. + +Early in the week, my boy, a noble member of the Pennsylvania Mud-larks +was made sick in a strange manner. A draft of picked men from certain +regiments was ordered for a perilous expedition down the river. You may +be aware, my boy, that a draft is always dangerous to delicate +constitutions; and, as the Mud-lark happened to burst into a profuse +perspiration about the time he found himself standing in this draft, +he, of course, took such a violent cold that he had to be put to bed +directly. I went to see him, my boy; and whilst he was relating to me +some affecting anecdotes of the time when he used to keep a bar, a +member of the Medical Staff of the United States of America came in to +see the patient. + +This venerable surgeon first deposited a large saw, a hatchet, and two +pick-axes on the table, and then says he: + +"How do you find yourself, boy?" + +The Mud-lark took a small chew of tobacco with a melancholy air, and +says he: + +"I think I've got the guitar in my head, Mr. Saw-bones, and am about to +join the angel choir." + +"I see how it is," says the surgeon, thoughtfully; "you think you've +got the guitar, when it's only the drum of your ear that is affected. +Well," says the surgeon, with sudden pleasantness, as he reached after +his saw and one of the pick-axes, "I must amputate your left leg at +once." + +The Mud-lark curled himself up in bed like a wounded anaconda, and says +he: + +"I don't see it in that light." + +"Well," says the surgeon, in a sprightly manner, "then suppose I put a +fly-blister on your stomick, and only amputate your right arm?" + +The surgeon was formerly a blacksmith, my boy, and got his diploma by +inventing some pills with iron in them. He proved that the blood of six +healthy men contained enough iron to make six horse-shoes, and then +invented the pills to cure hoarseness. + +The sick chap reflected on what his medical adviser had said, and then +says he: + +"Your words convince me that my situation must be dangerous. I must see +some relative before I permit myself to be dissected." + +"Whom would you wish me to send for?" says the surgeon. + +"My grandmother, my dear old grandmother," said the Mud-lark, with much +feeling. + +The surgeon took me cautiously aside, and says he: + +"My poor patient has a cold in his head, and his life depends, perhaps, +on the gratification of his wishes. You have heard him ask for his +grandmother," says the surgeon, softly, "and as his grandmother lives +too far away to be sent for, we must practice a little harmless +deception. We must send for Secretary Welles of the Navy Department, +and introduce him as the grandmother. My patient will never know the +difference." + +I took the hint, my boy, and went after the Secretary; but the latter +was so busy examining a model of Noah's Ark that he could not be seen. +Happily, however, the patient recovered while the surgeon was getting +his saw filed, and was well enough last night to reconnoitre in force. + +The Mackerel Brigade being still in quarters before Yorktown, I am at +leisure to stroll about the Southern Confederacy, my boy; and on +Thursday I paid a visit to Cotton Seminary, just beyond Alexandria, +where the Southern intellect is taught to fructify and expand. This +celebrated institution of learning is all on one floor, with a large +chimney and heavy mortgage upon it, and a number of windows supplied +with ground glass--or, rather, supplied with a certain openness as +regards the ground. + +Upon entering this majestic edifice, the master, Prex Peyton, descended +at once from the barrel on which he was seated, and gave me a true +Virginian welcome: + +"Though you may be a Lincoln horde," says he, in a manorial manner, +"the republic of intellect recognizes you only as a man. The Southern +mind knows how to recognize a soul apart from its outer circumstances; +for what say the logicians? _Deus est anima brutorem!_ Take a seat on +yonder barrel, friend Hessian, and you shall hear the wisdom of the +youthful minds. First class in computation stand up." + +As I took a seat, my boy, the first class in computation came to the +front; and it is my private impression, my boy--my private +impression--that each child's father was the owner of a rag plantation +at some period of his life. + +"Boys," says the master, "how is the table of Confederate money +divided?" + +"Into pounds, shillings, and pence." + +"Right. Now, Master Mason, repeat the table." + +Master Mason, who was a germ of a first family, took his fingers out of +his mouth, and says he: + +"Twenty pounds of Confederate bonds make one shilling, twenty shillings +make one penny, six pennies one drink." + +"That's right, my pretty little cherubs," says the master. "Now go and +take your seats, and study your bowie-knife exercises. Class in +Geography, stand up." + +The class in geography consisted of one small Southern Confederacy, my +boy, with a taste for tobacco. + +"Master Wise," says the master, confidently, "can you tell us where +Africa is?" + +Master Wise sniffed intelligently, and says he: + +"Africa is situated at the corner of Spruce and Nassau streets, and is +bounded on the north by Greeley, on the south by Slavery, on the east +by Sumner, and on the west by Lovejoy." + +"Very true, my bright little fellow," says the master; "now go back to +your chawing." + +"You see, friend Hessian," says the master, turning to me, "how much +superior Southerners are, even as children, to the depraved Yankees. In +my teaching experience, I have known scholars only six years old to +play poker like old members of the church, and a pupil of mine euchred +me once in ten minutes." + +I thanked him for his courtesy, and was proceeding to the door, when I +observed four boys in one corner, with their mouths so distorted that +they seemed to have subsisted upon a diet of persimmons all their +lives. + +"Venerable pundit," says I, in astonishment, "how came the faces of +those offspring so deformed?" + +"O!" says the master, complacently, "that class has been studying +Carlyle's works." + +I retired from Cotton Seminary, my boy, with a firm conviction of the +utility of popular education, and a hope that the day might come when a +Professorship of Old Sledge would be created in the New York +University. + +Yours, for a higher civilization, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XLII. + +REVEALING A NEW BLOCKADING IDEA, INTRODUCING A GEOMETRICAL STEED, AND +NARRATING THE WONDERFUL EXPLOITS OF THE MACKEREL SHARPSHOOTER AT +YORKTOWN. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., May 2d, 1862. + +Speaking of the patriarch of the Navy Department, my boy, they say that +the respected Ancient has under consideration a new and admirable plan +for making the blockade efficient. The idea is, to furnish all the +naval captains with spectacles made of looking-glass, so that when they +are asleep, on the quarterdeck, their glasses will reflect the figure +of any rebel craft that may be trying to slip by. These spectacles +could all be ready in twenty years; and when the Secretary told a +Congressman of the plan, the latter thought carefully over the +suggestion, "as dripping with coolness it rose from the Welles," and +says he: + +"My dear madam, the idea lacks but one thing--the looking-glass +spectacles ought to be supplied with a comb and brush, so that the +captain could fix himself up after capturing the pirate. Ah, madam," +says the Congressman, hastily picking up the Jack of Clubs, which he +had accidentally pulled out with his pocket-handkerchief, "you will +rank next to Mary, the mother of Washington, in the affections of +future generations." + +The _mother_ of Washington, my boy!--the MOTHER of Washington!--why, the +Secretary is already celebrated as the grandmother of Washington--city. + +On the occasion of my last visit to Yorktown, my boy, I found the +Mackerel Brigade so well up in animal spirits that each chap was equal +to a pony of brandy, and capable of capturing any amount of glass +artillery. At the present time, my boy, the brigade is formed in the +shape of a clam-shell, with the right resting on a beer wagon, and the +left on a traveling free-lunch saloon. I was examining the new battery +of the Orange County Howitzers--whose guns have such large touch-holes +that the chaps keep their crackers and cheese in them when not in +action--and was also overhearing the remarks of a melancholy Mackerel +concerning what he wished to be done with his effects in case he should +perish with old age before the battle commenced--when I beheld Captain +Villiam Brown, approaching me on the most geometrical beast I ever +saw--an animal even richer in sharp corners, my boy, than my own gothic +steed, Pegasus. + +"Ha!" says Villiam, hastily swallowing something that brought tears to +his eyes, and taking a bit of lemon-peel to clear his voice, "you are +admiring my Arabian courser, and wondering whether it is one of the +three presented to Secretary Seward by the Emperor of Egypt." + +"You speak truly, my Bayard," says I; "that superb piece of horseflesh +looks like the original plan of the city of Boston--there's so many +bisecting angles about him." + +"Ah!" says Villiam, with an agreeable smile, "in the words of the +anthem of childhood-- + + "'The angles told me so.'" + +Villiam's idea of angels, my boy, constitutes a theory of theology in +itself. + +"What call you the charger?" says I. + +"Euclid," says Villiam, pausing for a moment, to catch the gurgle of a +canteen just reversed. "Ah!" says Villiam, recovering his presence of +mind, "this here marvel of natural history is a guaranteed 2.40." + +"No!" says I. + +"Yes," says Villiam, calculatingly, "this superb animal is a sure +2.40--he cost me just Two dollars and Forty cents. But come with me," +said Villiam, proudly, "and see the sharpshooter contingent I have just +organized to aid in the suppression of this here unnatural rebellion." + +I followed the splendidly-mounted warrior, my boy, to a spot not far +from the nearest point of the enemy's lines, where I found a lengthy +Western chap polishing a rifle with a powerful telescope on the end of +it. He had just been organized, and was preparing to make some carnage. + +"Now then, Ajack," said Villiam, classically, "let us see you pick off +that Confederacy over there, which looks like a mere fly at this +distance." + +The sinewy sharpshooter sprang to his feet, called a drummer-boy to +hold his chew of tobacco, looked at the rebel gunner through his +telescope, shut up the telescope, took aim with both eyes shut, turned +away his head, and _fired_! + +I must say, my boy, that I at first thought the Confederacy was not hit +at all, inasmuch as he only scratched one of his legs and squinted +along his gun; but Villiam soon showed me how exquisitely accurate the +sharpshooter's aim had been. + +"The bullet struck him," says Villiam, confidently, "and would have +reached his heart, but for the Bible given him by his mother when he +left home, which arrested its fatal progress. Let us hope," says +Villiam, seriously, "that he will henceforth search the Scriptures, and +be a dutiful son." + +I felt the tears spring to my eyes, for I once had a mother myself. I +couldn't help it, my boy--I couldn't help it. + +The second shot of the unerring rifleman was aimed at a hapless +contraband, who had been sent out to the end of a gun by the enemy, to +see that the ball did not roll out before the gunner had time to pull +the trigger. Crack! went the deadly weapon of the sharpshooter, and +down went the unhappy African--to his dinner. + +"Ah!" says Villiam, skeptically, "do you think you hit him, Ajack?" + +"Truelie, stranger," responded the unmoved marksman, sententiously. "He +will die at twenty minutes past three this afternoon." + +Sick of this dreadful slaughter, my boy, I turned from the spot with +Villiam, and presently overtook the general of the Mackerel Brigade, +who was seated on a fence by the roadside, trying to knock the cork out +of a bottle with a piece of rock. We saluted, and went on to the camp. + +Sharpshooters, my boy, are a source of much pain to hostile gunners, +and if one of them should happen to put a bullet through the head of +navigation, it would certainly cause the tide to fall. + +Yours, take-aimiably, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XLIII. + +CONCERNING MARTIAL LITERATURE: INTRODUCING A DIDACTIC POEM BY THE +"ARKANSAW TRACT SOCIETY," AND A BIOGRAPHY OF GARIBALDI FOR THE SOLDIER. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., May 7th, 1862. + +Southern religious literature, my boy, is admirably calculated to +improve the morals of race-courses, and render dog-fights the +instruments of wholesome spiritual culture. + +On the person of a high-minded Southern Confederacy captured the other +day by the Mackerel pickets, I found a moral work which had been issued +by the Arkansaw Tract Society for the diffusion of religious thoughts +in the camp, and was much improved by reading it. The pure-minded +Arkansaw chap who got it up, my boy, remarked in pallid print, that +every man "should extract a wholesome moral from everything +whatsomedever," and then went on to say that there was an excellent +moral in the beautiful Arkansaw nursery tale of + + THE BEWITCHED TARRIER. + + Sam Johnson was a cullud man, + Who lived down in Judee; + He owned a rat tan tarrier + That stood 'bout one foot three; + And the way that critter chawed up rats + Was gorjus for to see. + + One day this dorg was slumberin' + Behind the kitchen stove, + When suddenly a wicked flea-- + An ugly little cove-- + Commenced upon his faithful back + With many jumps to rove. + + Then up arose that tarrier, + With frenzy in his eye, + And waitin' only long enough + To make a touchin' cry, + Commenced to twist his head around, + Most wonderfully spry. + + But all in vain; his shape was sich, + So awful short and fat-- + And though he doubled up hisself, + And strained hisself at that, + His mouth was half an inch away + From where the varmint sat. + + The dorg sat up an awful yowl + And twisted like an eel, + Emitting cries of misery + At ev'ry nip he'd feel, + And tumblin' down and jumpin' up, + And turnin' like a wheel. + + But still that most owdacious flea + Kept up a constant chaw + Just where he couldn't be scratched out + By any reach of paw. + But always half an inch beyond + His wictim's snappin' jaw. + + Sam Johnson heard the noise, and came + To save his animile; + But when he see the crittur spin-- + A barkin' all the while-- + He dreaded hiderfobia, + And then began to rile. + + "The pup is mad enough," says he, + And luggin' in his axe, + He gev the wretched tarrier + A pair of awful cracks, + That stretched him out upon the floor, + As dead as carpet-tacks. + + MORAL. + + Take warnin' by this tarrier, + Now turned to sassidge meat; + And when misfortin's flea shall come + Upon your back to eat, + Beware, or you may die because + You can't make both ends meet. + +The Arkansaw Tract Society put a note at the bottom of this moral +lyric, my boy, stating that the "wicked flea here mentioned is the same +varmint which is mentioned in Scripture as being so bold; 'the wicked +flea, when no man pursueth but the righteous, is as bold as a lion.'" + +Speaking of literature, my boy, I am happy to say that the members of +the Mackerel Brigade have been inspired to emulate great examples by +the biographies of great soldiers which have been sent to the camp for +their reading by the thoughtful women of America. For instance, here we +have the + + + LIFE OF GENERAL GARIBALDI. + + BY THE NOBLEST RUM 'UN OF THE MALL. + + + + + CHAPTER I. + + HIS BIRTH. + + + At that period of the world's history when the Past immediately + preceded the Present, and the Future was yet to come, there existed + in a small town of which the houses formed a part, a rich but + respectable couple. Owing to a combination of circumstances, their + first son was a boy of the male gender, who inherited the name of + his parents from the moment of his birth, and who is the subject of + our story. When he was about five hours old, his male parent said + to him: + + "My boy, do you know me?" + + In an instant the eyes of the child flashed Jersey lightning, he + ceased sucking his little fistesses, his hair would have stood on + end if there had been any on his head, and he exclaimed in tones of + thunder-r-r: + + "_Viva Liberte et Maccaroni!_" + + Mr. Garibaldi instantly clasped the little cherubim to his stomach, + while Mrs. Garibaldi waved the tri-colored flag above them both, + and requested the chambermaid to bring her a little more of that + same burning-fluid, with plenty of sugar in it. + + Thus was Garibaldi ushered into the world; and the burning fluid is + for sale by all respectable druggists and grocers throughout the + country, with S. O. P. on the wrapper. + + + + + CHAPTER II. + + HIS EDUCATION. + + + On arriving at years of indiscretion, our hero began to display a + tendency to "seven-up," Old Sledge, and other card-inal virtues, + calculated to fit him for playing his cards right in future years. + Just about this time, too, his parents resolved to send him to + school, and it is as the young scholar we must now regard him. + + Behold him, then, at his tasks, in a red shirt amputated at the + neck, and two yellow patches (the badge of Sardinia) flaming from + the background of his seat of learning. He readily mastered the + Greek verbs and roots, comprehended liquorice root, studied + geography, etymology, sycorax, and mahogany; could decline to + conjugate the verb toby, and quickly knew enough about algebra to + prove that X plus Y, _not_ being equal to Z, is _minus_ any dinner + at noon, and _plus_ one of the tightest applications of birch that + ever produced the illusion of a red-hot stove in immediate contact + with the human body. + + + + + CHAPTER III. + + GARIBALDI GOES TO SEA. + + + Just before the breaking-out of the rebellion at Rome, the trade in + garlic and domestic fleas took a sudden start, and the Po was + crowded with vessels of all nations--especially the + halluci-nations. One day, young Garibaldi was in the act of + stabbing a barrel of molasses to the heart with a quill, on Pier 4, + P. R. (Po River), when he was descried by the captain of a + fishing-smack, detailed by Government to watch the motions of the + English fleet. + + "Boy, ahoy!" says the Captain. + + The future liberator of Italy dropped his murderous quill, wiped + his nose with a pine shaving, and answered, in trumpet-tones: + + "You're another!" + + So delighted was the captain with this noble reply, that he + flogged the whole starboard watch at the gunwales, ordered a + preventer backstay on the kedge-anchor, leaped ashore to where + Garibaldi was standing, and offered to make him familiar with the + seas, and a second Caesar. Garibaldi replied that he had already + been half-seas over, but would not object to another cruise. He + said he had traveled half-seas over, "on his face," and would now + travel the other half on a vessel. He went. The vessel proved to + be a vessel of wrath, and Garibaldi became so familiar with the + cat-o-nine-tails, that he soon _mused_ upon a plan for deserting + the ship. + + + + + CHAPTER IV. + + HE FIGHTS FOR ROME. + + + All seas are liable to commotions, hence it is not strange that the + Holy See encountered a storm about the time that it occurred. For + some weeks, certain pure spirits had been fomenting the small beer + of civil war, and in spite of vaticanation, it broke out at last, + and was a rash proceeding. Garibaldi was sent for by the Goddess of + Liberty to lead the insurrectionary forces, while the liberty of + the goddess was endangered by the leadership of the commander of + the French troops aiding the Pope. Our hero had but a handful of + patriots on hand and on foot to fight with him; but he determined + to struggle to the last and perish in the attempt, even though he + should lose his life by it. The Frenchman had an immense array of + tried soldiers on the _qui vive_ and on horseback; but Garibaldi + was not dismayed, and kept his courage up to the "sticking" point + by hoping for aid. Alas! the only aid they received was lemonade + and cannonade--but not a brigade. They fought with the French, and + were whipped like blazes. _Hinc illa slacryma!_ + + + + + CHAPTER V. + + GARIBALDI IN AMERICA. + + + After wandering about Italy as an exile for some months, the bold + patriot came to America and opened a cigar shop. The writer + remembers entering his shop one day to purchase a genuine + meerschaum, and discovering, afterwards, that it was made of + plaster of Paris, and smelt--when heated--like ancient sour-krout + flavored with lamp-oil. Garibaldi also sold the finest Habana + cigars ever made on Staten Island, one brand of which was so strong + in its integrity that it once defeated dishonesty, thus: + + One night, while Garibaldi was praying for his beloved Italy, at + the house of a friend, a burglar broke into his store, with the + intention of robbing it. The scoundrel broke open the till, took + out all the city money (he refused to take anything but current + funds), and then broke open a box of the cigars strong in their + integrity, intending to have a quiet smoke before he left. Alas! + for him. + + When Garibaldi opened the store in the morning, he found the + burglar laying on his back, with a cigar in his mouth, and _too + weak to move_! In the attempt to smoke the cigar, he had drawn his + back bone clear through until it caught on his breast bone, and the + back of his head was just breaking through the roof of his mouth, + when the patriot found him. He was taken to the police-office, and + discharged by the first alderman that came along. Such is life! + + When the Emperor of France commenced his war with Austria, + Garibaldi suddenly appeared at one of the elbows of the Mincio, and + having passed around the Great Quadrilateral, headed a select body + of Alpine shepherds, and charged the Austrians more than they could + pay. All the world knows how that war ended. The emperors of France + and Austria signed a treaty by which each was compelled to go back + to his own country, tell his subjects that it was "all right," and + set all the wise men of the nation to discover what he had been + fighting about. Sardinia was not asked to give an opinion. About + this time Garibaldi was left out in the cold. + + + + + CHAPTER VI. + + OUR HERO IN SICILY. + + + As we look abroad upon the vast nations of the earth, and remember + that if they were all destroyed, not one of them would be left, the + mind involuntarily conceives an idea, and becomes conscious of the + pregnant fact, that "what is to be will be, as what has been, was." + So when we look upon families, the thought forces itself upon us + that if there were no births there would be no children: without + fathers there could be no mothers; and if the entire household + should be swept away by disease, they would cease to live. So it is + also, when we look upon an individual. Our intellect tells us that + if he dies in infancy he will not live to be a man; and if he never + does anything, he will surely do nothing. + + This metaphysical line of thought is particularly natural in the + case of Garibaldi. Look at him as he now stands, with one foot on + Sicily and the other in a boot. Had he not been educated, he would + have been uneducated; had he not gone to sea he would never have + been a sailor; had he not fought for Rome, he would have laid down + arms in her cause; were he not now fighting for Italian + independence, he would be otherwise engaged! + + Thus the aspect presented by Garibaldi throughout his career, leads + our thoughts into all the deep meanderings of the German mind, and + teaches us to perceive that "whatever is, is right," as whatever is + not, is wrong. + + Enraged at the impotent conclusion of the French-and-Austrian war, + Garibaldi determined to prosecute hostilities on his own individual + curve. In consequence of the high price of ferriage on the Mincio, + he moved down toward Palermo, and there called to his standard all + Italians favorable to the immediate emancipation of Sicily and the + removal of all duties on Maccaroni. Immediately the wildest + enthusiasm raged among the friends of freedom. Six patriots + attacked the fortress of Messalina, and were immediately placed in + prison, with chains around their necks, and Tupper's poems in their + pockets. + + By degrees, Garibaldi made ready to capture Palermo; he laid in a + stock of cannon and woolen stockings, he harangued his warriors, + and told them the day was theirs if they won it; he invited all the + reporters to a banquet. Then he went and took Palermo. + + How did he take it? + + I know not; there are more things in heaven and earth than are + dreamed of in ordinary philosophy: all I know is, that he took + Palermo. + + * * * * * + +Having brought my history down to this point, I deem it proper to pause +in my task until the future shall have revealed what takes place +hereafter; and the past shall have ceased to interfere so outrageously +with the present, that its limits can only be distinguished through the +bottom of a tumbler. Liberty is the normal condition of the Italian, +and while Garibaldi leads, the cry will be: "Liberty or death, with a +preference for the former." Already the day-star of freedom gilds the +horizon of beautiful Naples, and if it should not happen to be proved a +comet by some evil-minded astronomer, Italy may yet be as free as New +York itself, and pay a war-tax of not more than some millions a year. + +This finely-written life of the great Italian patriot had such an +effect upon the Mackerels, my boy, that they all wished to _live_ like +Garibaldi--hence, they are in no hurry to die for their country. + +Lives of great men all remind us, my boy, that we may make our lives +sublime; but I never read one yet, that gave instructions for making +our deaths sublime--to ourselves. + +Yours, for continued respiration, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XLIV. + +SHOWING HOW THE GREAT BATTLE OF PARIS WAS FOUGHT AND WON BY THE +MACKEREL BRIGADE, AIDED AND ABETTED BY THE IRON-PLATED FLEET OF +COMMODORE HEAD. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., May 10th, 1862. + +I have just returned, my boy, from witnessing one of the most +tremendous battles of modern times, and shall see star-spangled banners +in every sunset for six months to come. + +Hearing that the Southern Confederacy had evacuated Yorktown, for the +reason that the Last Ditch had moved on the first of May to a place +where there would be less rent from our cannon, I started early in the +week for the quarters of the valorous and sanguinary Mackerel Brigade, +expecting that it had gone toward Richmond for life, liberty, and the +pursuit of happiness. + +On reaching the Peninsula, however, I learned that the Mackerel "corpse +dammee" had been left behind to capture the city of Paris in +co-operation with a squadron. + +Reaching the stamping-ground, my boy, I beheld a scene at once unique +and impressive. Each individual Mackerel was seated on the ground, with +a sheet of paper across his knees and an ink-bottle beside him, writing +like an inspired poet. + +I approached Captain Villiam Brown, who was covering some bare spots on +his geometrical steed Euclid, with pieces scissored out of an old +hair-trunk, and says I: + +"Tell me, my noble Hector, what means this literary scene which mine +eyes behold?" + +"Ah!" says Villiam, setting down his glue-pot, "we are about to engage +in a skrimmage from which not one may come out alive. These heroic +beings," says Villiam, "are ready to die for their country at sight, +and you now behold them making their wills. We shall march upon Paris," +says Villiam, "as soon as I hear from Sergeant O'Pake, who has been +sent to destroy a mill-dam belonging to the Southern Confederacy. Come +with me, my nice little boy, and look at the squadron to take part in +the attack." + +This squadron, my boy, consisted of one twenty-eight-inch row-boat, +mounting a twelve-inch swivel, and commanded by Commodore Head, late of +the Canal-boat Service. It is iron-plated after a peculiar manner. When +the ingenious chap who was to iron-plate it commenced his work, +Commodore Head ordered him to put the plates on the _inside_ of the +boat, instead of outside, as in the case of the Monitor and Galena. + +"What do you mean?" says the contractor. + +"Why," says the commodore, "ain't them iron plates intended to protect +the crew?" + +"Yes," says the contractor. + +"Well, then, you poor ignorant cuss," says the commodore, in a great +passion, "what do you want to put the plates on the outside for? The +crew won't be on the outside--will it? The crew will be on the +inside--won't it? And how are you going to protect the crew on the +inside by putting iron plates on the outside?" + +Such reasoning, my boy, was convincing, and the Mackerel Squadron is +plated inside. + +While I was contemplating this new triumph of American naval +architecture, and wondering what they would say about it in Europe, an +orderly rode up and handed a scrap of paper to Villiam. + +"Ha!" says Villiam, perusing the message, and then passing it to me, +"the veteran O'Pake has not deceived the United States of America." + +The message was directed to the General of the Mackerel Brigade, my +boy, and read as follows: + + "GENERAL:--_In accordance with your orders, I have destroyed the + mill d--n._ + + "O'PAKE." + +"And now," says Villiam, returning his canteen to his bosom and pulling +out his ruffles, "the United States of America will proceed to capture +Paris with great slaughter. Let the Brigade form in marching order, +while the fleet proceeds around by water, after the manner of Lord +Nelson." + +The Mackerel Brigade was quickly on the march, headed by the band, who +played an entirely new version of "Hail Columbia" on his key bugle. +Tramp, tramp, tramp! and we found ourselves in position before Paris. + +[Illustration: MAP OF THE WORLD, SHOWING THE POSITION OF THE MACKEREL +BRIGADE AT THE GREAT BATTLE OF PARIS.] + +Paris, my boy, was a city of two houses previous to the recent great +fire, which destroyed half of it, and we found it fortified with a +strong picket-fence and counterscarp earthworks, from the top of which +frowned numerous guns of great compass. + +The Mackerel Brigade was at once formed in line-of-battle-order--the +line being not quite as straight as an ordinary Pennsylvania +railroad--while the fleet menaced the water-front of the city from Duck +Lake. + +You may not be able to find Duck Lake on the maps, my boy, as it is +only visible after a heavy rain. + +Previous to the attack, a balloon, containing a Mackerel chap, and a +telescope shaped like a bottle, was sent up to reconnoitre. + +"Well," says Villiam to the chap when he came down, "what is the force +of the Confederacy?" + +The chap coughed respectfully, and says he: + +"I could only see one Confederacy, which is an old woman!" + +"Scorpion!" says Villiam, his eyes flashing like the bottoms of two +reversed tumblers, "I believe you to be an accursed abolitionist. Go +instantly to the rear," says Villiam, fiercely, "and read the Report of +the Van Wyck Investigating Committee." + +It was a terrible punishment, my boy, but the example was needed for +the good of the service. + +The Orange County Howitzers now advanced to the front, and poured a +terrible fire in the direction of a point about half way between the +nearest steeple and the meridian, working horrible carnage in a flock +of pigeons that happened to be passing at the time. + +"Splendid, my glorious Prooshians!" says Villiam, just escaping a fall +from his saddle by the convulsive start of Euclid, that noble war-horse +having been suddenly roused from a pleasant doze by the +firing--"Splendid, my artillery darlings. Only," says Villiam, +thoughtfully, "as the sun is a friendly power, don't aim at him so +accurately next time." + +Meantime, Company 3, Regiment 5, had advanced from the right, and were +just about to make a splendid bayonet-charge, by the oblique, over the +picket-fence and earthwork, when the concealed Confederacy suddenly +opened a deadly fire of old shoes, throwing the Mackerels into great +confusion. + +Almost simultaneously, a large potato struck the fleet on Duck Lake on +the nose, so intensely exciting him that he incontinently touched off +his swivel, to the great detriment of the surrounding country. + +This was a critical moment, my boy; the least trifle on either side +would have turned the scale, and given the victory to either party. +Villiam Brown had just assumed the attitude in which he desired Frank +Leslie's Illustrated Artist to draw him, when a familiar domestic +utensil came hissing through the lurid air from the rebel works, and +exploded in two pieces at his feet. + +"Ha!" says Villiam, eyeing the fragments with great pallor, "they have +commenced to throw shell." + +In another moment that incomparable officer was at the head of a +storming party; and as the fleet opened fire on the cabbage-patch in +the rear of the enemy's position, an impetuous charge was precipitated +in front. + +Though met by a perfect hail of turnips, stove-covers, and +kindling-wood, the Mackerels went over the fence like a fourth-proof +avalanche, and hemmed in the rebel garrison with walls of bayonets. + +"Surrender to the Union Anaconda and the United States of America," +thundered Villiam. + +"You're a nasty, dirty creetur," responded the garrison, who was an old +lady of venerable aspect. + +"Surrender, or you're a dead man, my F. F. Venus," says Villiam, +majestically. + +The old lady replied with a look of scorn, my boy, walked deliberately +toward the road, and when last seen was proceeding in the direction of +Richmond under a green silk umbrella and a heavy press of snuff. + +Now it happened, just after we had formally taken possession of the +city, while the band was playing martial airs, and the fleet winding up +his chronometer, that the General of the Mackerel Brigade made his +appearance on the field, and was received with loud cheers by those who +believed that he brought their pay back with him. + +"My children," says the general, with a paternal smile, "don't praise +me for an achievement in which all have won such imperishable laurels. +I have only done my jooty." + +This speech, my boy, made a great impression upon me on account of its +touching modesty. War, my boy, is calculated to promote an amount of +bashful modesty never equaled except in Congress, and I have known +brigadiers so self-deprecatory that they lived in a state of perpetual +blush--especially at the ends of their noses. + +Yours, inadequately, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XLV. + +EXEMPLIFYING THE INCONSISTENCY OF THE CONSERVATIVE ELEMENT, AND SETTING +FORTH THE MEASURES ADOPTED BY CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN IN HIS MILITARY +GOVERNMENT OF PARIS. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., May 18th, 1862. + +Suffer me, my boy, to direct your attention to the Congress of our once +distracted country, which is now shedding a beautiful lustre over the +whole nation, and exciting that fond emotion of admiration which +inclines the human foot to perform a stern duty. "Congress," says +Captain Samyule Sa-mith, nodding to the bar-keeper, and designating a +particular bottle with his finger--"Congress," says he, "is a honor and +a ornament to our bleeding land. The fortunes of war may fluctuate, the +rose may fade; but Congress is ever stable. Yes," says Samyule, in a +beautiful burst of enthusiasm, softly stirring the Oath in his tumbler +with a toothpick, "Congress is stable--in short, a stable full of +mules." + +The Conservatives from the Border States, my boy, look upon the +Southern Confederacy as a brother, whom it is our duty to protect +against the accursed designs of the fiendish Abolitionists, who would +make this war one of bloodshed. They ignore all party feeling, support +the Constitution as it was, in contra-distinction to what it is, and +object to any Confiscation measure calculated to irritate our misguided +brothers and sisters in that beautiful land where + + The suitor he goes to the planter so grand, + And "Give me your daughter," says he, + "For each unto other we've plighted our loves-- + I love her and so she loves me," + Says he, + "And married we're wishing to be." + + The planter was deeply affected indeed, + Such touching devotion to see; + "The giving I couldn't afford; but I'll sell + Her for six hundred dollars to thee," + Says he, + "Her mother was worth that to me." + +Which I quote from a sweet ballad I recently found among some rebel +leave-ings at Yorktown. + +These conservative patriots, my boy, remind me of a chap I once knew in +the Sixth Ward. A high moral chap, my boy, and full of venerable +dignity. One night the virtuous cuss doing business next door to him, +having just got a big insurance on his stock, and thinking himself safe +for a flaming speculation, set fire to his own premises and then called +"Murder" on the next corner. Out came the whole Fire Department, only +stopping to have two fights and a scrimmage on the way, and pretty soon +the water was pouring all over every house in the street except the one +on fire. The high moral chap stuck his head out of the window, and says +he: + +"This here fire ain't in my house, and I don't want no noise around +this here residence." + +Upon this, some of our gallant firemen, who had just been into a +fashionable drinking-shop not more than two blocks off, to see if any +of the sparks had got in there, called to the chap to let them into his +house, so that they might get at the conflagration more easily. + +"Never!" said the chap, shaking his nightcap convulsively; "I didn't +set fire to Joneses, and I can't have no Fire Department running around +my entries." + +"See here, old blue-pills," says one of the firemen, pleasantly, "if +you don't let us in, your own crib will go to blazes in ten minutes." + +But the dignified chap only shut down the window and went to bed again, +saying his prayers backwards. I would not accuse a noble Department of +violence, my boy, but in about three minutes there was a double +back-action machine standing in that chap's front entry, with +three-inch streams out of all the back windows. The fire was put out +with only half a hose company killed and wounded, and next day there +was a meeting to see what should be done with the incendiary when he +was caught. The high moral chap was at that meeting very early, and +says he: + +"Let me advise moderation in this here unhappy matter. I feel deeply +interested," says the chap, with tears; "for I assisted to put out the +conflagration by permitting the use of my house by the firemen. I +almost feel," says the genial chap, "like a fellow fireman myself." + +At this crisis, a chap who was assistant engineer, and also Secretary +to the Board of Education, arose, and says he: + +"What are yer coughin' about, old peg-top? Didn't me and the fellers +have to cave in your door with a night-key wrench--sa-a-ay? What +are yer gassin' about, then? _You_ did a muchness--_you_ did! +Yes--slightually--_in_ a horn. Now," says the gallant fireman, +with an agreeable smile, "if you don't jest coil in yer hose and take +the sidewalk very sudden, it'll be my duty, as a member of the +Department, to bust yer eye." + +I commend this chaste and rhetorical remark, my boy, to the attention +of Border State Conswervatives. + +Since the occupation of Paris by the Mackerel Brigade, affairs there +have been administered with great intellectual ability by Captain +Villiam Brown, who has been appointed Provisional Governor, to govern +the sale of provisions. + +The city of Paris, my boy, as I told you lately, is laid out in one +house at present; and since the discovery, that what were at first +supposed to be Dahlgren guns by our forces were really a number of old +hats with their rims cut off, laid in a row on top of the earthworks, +the democracy have stopped talking about the General of the Mackerel +Brigade for next President. + +The one house, however, was a boarding-house; and though all the +boarders left at the approach of our troops, it was subsequently +discovered that all of them save one, were good Union men, and were +brutally forced to fly by that one Confederate miscreant. When Villiam +heard of the fate of these noble and oppressed patriots, my boy, he +suffered a tear to drop into the tumbler he had just found, and says +he: + +"Just Hevings! can this be so? Ah!" says Villiam, lifting a bottle near +by to see that no rebel was concealed under it, "I will issue a +proclamation calculated to conciliate the noble Union men of the sunny +South, and bring them back to those protecting folds in which our +inedycated forefathers folded theirselves." + +Nobody believed it could be done, my boy--nobody believed it could be +done; but Villiam understood his species, and issued the following + + PROCLAMATION. + + The Union men of the South are hereby informed that the United + States of America has reasserted hisself, and will shortly open a + bar-room in Paris. Also, cigars and other necessaries of life. By + order of + + CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN, Eskevire. + +"There," says Villiam, "the human intelleck may do what violence might +fail to accomplish. Ah!" says Villiam, "moral suasion is more majestik +than an army with banners." + +In just half an hour after the above Proclamation was issued, my boy, +the hum of countless approaching voices called us to the ramparts. A +vast multitude was approaching. It was the Union men of the South, my +boy, who had read the manifesto of a beneficent Government, and were +coming back to take the Oath--with a trifle of sugar in it. + +How necessary it is, my boy, that men intrusted with important +commands--generals and governors responsible for the pacification and +welfare of misguided provinces--should understand just how and when to +touch that sensitive chord in our common nature which vibrates +responsively when man is invited to take something by his fellow-man. + +Scarcely had Villiam assumed his office and suppressed two reporters, +when there were brought before him a fugitive contraband of the color +of old meerschaum, and a planter from the adjacent county, who claimed +the slave. + +"It's me--that's Misther Murphy--would be afther axing your riverence +to return the black crayture at once," says the planter; "for its +meself that owns him, and he runn'd away right under me nose and eyes +as soon as me back was turned." + +"Ah!" says Villiam, balancing a tumbler in his right hand. "Are you a +Southerner, Mr. Murphy?" + +"Yaysir," says Mr. Murphy, "it's that I am, intirely. Be the same +token, I was raised and born in the swate South--the South of Ireland." + +"Are you Chivalry?" says Villiam, thoughtfully. + +"Is it Chivalry!--ah, but it's that I am, and me father before me, and +me childers that's afther me. If Chivalry was praties I could furnish a +dinner to all the wur-ruld, and have enough left to fade the pigs." + +"Murphy is a French name," says Villiam, drawing a copy of Vattel on +International Law from his pocket and glancing at it, "but I will not +dispute what you say. You must do without your contraband, however; for +slavery and martial law don't agree together in the United States of +America." + +"Mr. Black," says Villiam, gravely, turning to the emancipated African, +"you have come to the right shop for freedom. You are from henceforth a +freeman and a brother-in-law. You are now your own master," says +Villiam, encouragingly, "and no man has a right to order you about. You +are in the full enjoyment of Heving's best gift--Freedom! Go and black +my boots." + +The moral grandeur of this speech, my boy, so affected the Southern +planter that he at once became a Union man, took the Oath with the +least bit of water in it, and asked permission to have his own boots +blacked. + +I have been deeply touched of late, my boy, by the reception of a +present from the ladies of Alexandria. It is a beautiful little dog, +named Bologna (the women of America think that Bologna is the goddess +of war, my boy), shaped like a door-mat rolled up, and elegantly +frescoed down the sides in white and yellow. The note accompanying the +gift was all womanly. + +"Accept," it said, "this slight tribute, as an index of the feelings +with which the American women regards the noble volunteer. Wear this +gift next your heart when the fierce battle rages; but, in the +meantime, give him a bone." + +Bologna is a pointer, my boy--a Five-Pointer. + +As a dead poet expresses it, Woman is "Heaven's noblest, best, and last +good gift to man;" and I assure, you, my boy, that she is just the last +gift he cares about. + +Yours, in bachelordliness, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XLVI. + +WHEREIN IS SHOWN HOW THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE FOLLOWED AN +ILLUSTRIOUS EXAMPLE, AND VETOED A PROCLAMATION. ALSO RECORDING A +MILITARY EXPERIMENT WITH RELIABLE CONTRABANDS. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., May 20th, 1862. + +Rejoice with me, my boy, that I have got back my gothic steed, Pegasus, +from the Government chap who borrowed him for a desk. The splendid +architectural animal has just enough slant from his back-bone to his +hips to make a capital desk, my boy; and then his tail is so handy to +wipe pens on. In a moment of thirst he swallowed a bottle of ink, and +some fears were entertained for his life; but a gross of steel pens and +a ream of blotting paper, immediately administered, caused him to come +out all write. In a gothic sense, my boy, the charger continues to +produce architectural illusions. He was standing on a hill-side the +other day, with his rear-elevation toward the spectators, his head up +and ears touching at the top, when a chap, who has been made pious by +frequent conversation with the contrabands, noticed him afar off, and +says he to a soldier, "What church is that I behold in the distance, my +fellow-worm of the dust?" The military veteran looked, and says he, "It +does look like a church; but it's only a animated hay-rack belonging to +the cavalry." + +"I see," says the pious chap, moving on; "the beast looks like a +church, because he's been accustomed to steeple-chases." + +I have also much satisfaction in the society of my dog, Bologna, my +boy, who has already become so attached to me that I believe he would +defend me against any amount of meat. Like the Old Guard of France, +he's always around the bony parts thrown; and, like a _bon vivant_, is +much given to whining after his dinner. + +The last time I was at Paris, my boy, this interesting animal made a +good breakfast off the calves of the General of the Mackerel Brigade's +legs, causing that great strategetical commander to issue enough oaths +for the whole Southern Confederacy. + +"Thunder!" says the General, at the conclusion of his cursory remarks, +"I shall have the hydrophobia and bite somebody. It's my opinion," says +the General, hastily licking a few grains of sugar from the spoon he +was holding at the time, "it's my opinion that I shall go rabid as soon +as I see water." + +"Then you're perfectly safe, my conquering hero," says I; "for when +_you_ see water, the Atlantic Ocean will be principally composed of +brandy pale." + +Speaking of Paris, it pains me, my boy, to say, that Captain Villiam +Brown's Proclamation for the conciliation of southern Union men has +been repudiated by the General of the Mackerel Brigade. + +"Thunder!" says the General, taking a cork from his pocket in mistake +for a watch-key, "it's against the Constitution to open a bar so far +away from where Congress sits." + +And he at once issued the following + + "PROCLAMATION. + + "Whereas, There appears in the public prints what presumptuously + pretends to be a proclamation of Captain Villiam Brown, Eskevire, + in the words following, to wit: + + 'PROCLAMATION. + + 'The Union men of the South are hereby informed that the United + States of America has reasserted hisself, and will shortly open a + bar-room in Paris. Also, cigars and other necessaries of life. + + 'By order of + + 'CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN, Eskevire.' + + "And whereas, the same is producing much excitement among those + members from the Border States who would prefer that said bar-room + should be nearer Washington, in case of sickness. Therefore, I, + General of the Mackerel Brigade, do proclaim and declare that the + Mackerel Brigade cannot stand this sort of thing, and that neither + Captain Villiam Brown nor any other commander has been authorized + to declare free lunch, either by implication or otherwise, in any + State: much less in a state of intoxication, of which there are + several. + + "To persons in this State, now, I earnestly appeal. I do not argue: + I beseech you to mix your own liquors. You cannot, if you would, be + blind to the signs of the times, when such opportunity is offered + to see double. I beg of you a calm and immense consideration of + them (signs), ranging, it may be, above personal liquor + establishments. The change you will receive after purchasing your + materials will come gently as the dues from heaven--not rending nor + wrecking anything. Will you not embrace me? May the extensive + future not have to lament that you have neglected to do so. + + "Yours, respectfully, the + + "GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE." + + [Green seal.] + +When Villiam read this conservative proclamation, my boy, he looked +thoughtfully into a recently-occupied tumbler for a few moments, and +then says he: + +"There's some intelleck in that. The general covers the whole ground. +Ah!" says Villiam, preparing, in a dreamy manner, to wash out the +tumbler with something from a decanter, "the general so completely +covers the whole ground sometimes, that the police departmink is +required to clear it." + +I believe him, my boy. + +The intelligent and reliable contrabands, my boy, who have come into +Paris from time to time, with valuable news concerning all recent +movements not taking place in the Confederacy, were formed lately by +Villiam, into a military company, called the Sambory Guard, Captain Bob +Shorty being deputed to drill them in the colored-manual of arms. They +were dressed in flaming red breeches and black coats, my boy, and each +chaotic chap looked like a section of stove-pipe walking about on two +radishes. + +I attended the first drill, my boy, and found the oppressed Africans +standing in a line about as regular as so many trees in a maple swamp. + +Captain Bob Shorty whipped out his sleepless sword, straightened it on +a log, stepped to the front, and was just about to give the first +order, when, suddenly, he started, threw up his nose, and stood +paralyzed. + +"What's the matter, my blue and gilt?" says I. + +He stood like one in a dream, and says he: + +"'Pears to me I smell something." + +"Yes," says I; "'tis the scent of the roses that hangs round it still." + +"True," says Captain Bob Shorty, recovering, "it does smell like a +cent; and I haven't seen a cent of my pay for such a long time, that +the novelty of the odor knocked me. Attention, company!" + +Only five of the troops were enough startled by this sudden order, my +boy, to drop their guns, and only four stooped down to tie their shoes. +One very reliable contraband left the ranks, and says he: + +"Mars'r, hadn't Brudder Rhett better gub out the hymn before the +service commence?" + +"Order in the ranks!" says Captain Bob Shorty, with some asperity, +"Attention, Company!--Order Arms!" + +The troops did this very well, my boy, the muskets coming down at +intervals of three minutes, bringing each man's cap with them, and +pointing so regularly toward all points of the compass, that no foe +could possibly approach from any direction without running on a +bayonet. + +"Excellent!" says Captain Bob Shorty, with enthusiasm. "Only, Mr. +Rhett, you needn't hold your gun quite so much like a hoe. Carry arms!" + +Here Mr. Dana stepped out from the ranks, and says he: + +"Carrie who, mars'r?" + +"Go to the rear," says Captain Bob Shorty, indignantly. "Present Arms!" + +If Present Arms means to stick your bayonet into the next man's side, +my boy, the troops did it very well. + +"Splendid!" says Captain Bob Shorty. "Shoulder Arms--Eyes +Right--Double-quick, March! On to Richmond!" + +The troops obeyed the order, my boy, and haven't been seen since. +Perhaps they're going yet, my boy. + +Company 3, Regiment 5, Mackerel Brigade, started for an advance on +Richmond yesterday, and by a forced march got within three miles of it. +Another march brought them within five miles of the place; and the last +despatch stated that they had but ten miles to go before reaching the +rebel capital. + +Military travel, my boy, is like the railroad at the West, where they +had to make chalk marks on the track to see which way the train was +going. + +Yours, on time, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XLVII. + +INTRODUCING A POEM BASED UPON AN IDEA THAT IS IN VIOLET--A POEM FOR +WHICH ONE OF THE WOMEN OF AMERICA IS SOLELY RESPONSIBLE. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., May 24th, 1862. + +One of the Northern women of America, my boy, has sent me a note, for +the express purpose of expressing her hatred of the Southern +Confederacy. She says, my boy, that the Confederacy is a miserable man, +only fit for pecuniary dishonesty; and that even the gentle William +Shakspeare couldn't help revealing the peculiar failing of the +Floydulent section when he spoke so feelingly of + + "The sweet South, + That breathes upon a bank of Violets, + _Stealing_ and giving odor." + +A fair hit, my boy--a fair hit; and sorry should I be to let the sweet +South breathe upon any kind of a bank in which I had a deposit. + +Speaking of violets; the woman of America sent one of those pretty +flowers in her note; and, as I looked upon it, I thought how fit it was +to be + + THE SOLDIER'S EPITAPH. + + The woodlands caught the airy fire upon their vernal plumes, + And echoed back the waterfall's exultant, trilling laugh, + And through the branches fell the light in slender golden blooms + To write upon the sylvan stream the Naiad's epitaph. + + On either side the sleeping vale the mountains swelled away, + Like em'ralds in the mourning ring that circles round the world + And through the flow'r-enamel'd plain the river went astray, + Like scarf of lady silver'd o'er around a standard furled. + + The turtle wooed his gentle mate, where thickest hung the boughs, + While round them fell the blossoms plucked by robins' wanton bills; + And on its wings the zephyr caught the music of his vows, + To waft a strain responsive to the chorus of the hills. + + 'Twas in a nook beside the stream where grapes in clusters fell, + And twixt the trees the swaying vines were lost in leafy showers, + That fauns and satyrs, tamed to rest beneath the noonday spell, + Gave silent ear and witness to the meeting of the flowers. + + The glories of the fields were there in summer's bright array, + The virgins of the temple vast where Noon to Ev'ning nods, + To crown as queen of all the rest whose bosom should display + The signet of a mission blest, the cipher of the gods. + + The royal Lily's sceptred cup besought an airy lip, + The Rose's stooping coyness told the bee was at her heart, + While all the other sisters round, with many a dainty dip, + Sought jewels hidden in the grass, and waved its spears apart. + + "We seek a queen," the Lily said, "and she shall wear the crown + Who to the Mission of the Blest the fairest right shall prove; + For unto her, whoe'er she be, has come in sunlight down + The badge of Nature's Royalty, from angel hands above. + + "I go to deck the wreath that binds a fair, imperial brow, + Whose whiteness shall not be the less that mine is purer still; + For though a band of sparkling gems is set upon it now, + 'Twill be the fairer that the Church in me beholds her will." + + "I claim a loyal suitor's touch," the Rose ingenuous said, + "And he will choose me when he seeks the bow'r of lady fair, + To match me, with a smile, against her cheek's betraying red, + And place me, with a kiss, within the shadows of her hair." + + And next the proud Camellia spoke: "Where festal music swells, + And solemn priest, with gown and book, a knot eternal ties, + I go to hold the vail of her who hears her marriage-bells, + And pledges all her life unto the Love that never dies." + + The Laurels raised their glowing heads, and into language broke: + "'Tis ours to honor gallant deeds that awe a crouching world; + We rest upon the warrior's helm when fades the battle's smoke, + And bloom perennial on the shield that back the foeman + hurled." + + And other sisters of the field, the woodland, and the vale, + Each told the story of her work, and glorified her quest; + But none of all the noble ones had yet revealed the tale + That taught them from the gods she wore the signet in her + breast. + + At length the zephyr raised a leaf, the lowliest of the low, + And there, behold a Violet the Spring let careless slip; + Beyond its season blooming there where newer beauties grow, + Enshrined like an immortal thought that lives beyond the lip. + + "We greet thy presence, little one," the graceful Lily said, + And quivered with a silent laugh behind her snowy screen, + "Upraise unto the open sun thy modest little head; + For here, perchance, in thee at last the Flow'rs have found + their queen." + + A tremor shook the timid flower, and soft her answer came: + "'Tis but a simple duty left to one so small as I; + And yet I would not yield it up for all the higher fame + Of nodding on a hero's helm, or catching beauty's eye. + + "I go to where an humble mound uprises in a field, + To mark the place of one whose life was lost a land to save; + Where bannered pomp no birth attests, nor marbled sword nor + shield; + I go to deck," the Violet said, "a simple soldier's grave." + + There fell a hush on all the flowers; but from a distant grove + Burst forth the anthem of the birds in one grand peal of praise; + As though the stern old Forest's heart had found its early love, + And all of earth's sublimity was melted in its lays! + + Then, as the modest flower upturned her blue eyes to the sun, + There fell a dewdrop on her breast as shaken from a tree; + The lowliest of the sisterhood the godlike Crown had won; + For hers it was to consecrate Truth's Immortality. + + The woodlands caught the airy fire upon their vernal plumes, + And echoed back the waterfall's exultant, trilling laugh; + And through the branches fell the light in slender golden blooms, + To sanctify the Violet, the Soldier's Epitaph. + +I asked the General of the Mackerel Brigade, the other day, what kind +of a flower he thought would spring above my head when I rested in a +soldier's sepulchre? and he said "A cabbage!" my boy--he said "A +cabbage!" + +Yours, inversely, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XLVIII. + +TREATING CHIEFLY OF A TERRIBLE PANIC WHICH BROKE OUT IN PARIS, BUT +SUBSEQUENTLY PROVED TO BE ONLY A NATURAL EFFECT OF STRATEGY. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., June 1st, 1862. + +It is my belief--my solemn and affecting belief, my boy, that our once +distracted country is destined to be such a great military power +hereafter, that an American citizen will be distinguishable in any part +of the world by his commission as a brigadier. Even Congressmen will +answer to the command of "Charge--mileage!" and it is stated that sons +of guns in every variety are already being born at the West--sons of +"Pop" guns, my boy. + +The last time the General of the Mackerel Brigade was here, he was so +much pleased with the high state of strategy developed at the War +Office, that he visited all the bar-rooms in Washington, and ordered +the tumblers to be at once illuminated. + +"Thunder!" says the general to Colonel Wobert Wobinson, of the Western +Cavalry, as they were taking measures to prevent any possible mistake +by seeing the enemy double, "this war is making great tacticians of the +whole nation, and if I wanted my sons to become Napoleons, I'd put them +into the War Office for a week. My sons! my sons!" says the general +hysterically, motioning for a little more hot water, "why are you not +here with me in glory, instead of remaining home there, like ripe plums +on the parent tree." + +"Plums! plums!" says Colonel Wobinson, thoughtfully. "Ah! I see," says +the colonel, pleasantly, "your sons are damsons." + +The general eyed the speaker with much severity of countenance, my boy, +and says he: + +"If _you_ have any sons, my friend, they are probably fast young men, +and take after their father--at the approach of the enemy." + +The general is rather proud of his sons, my boy, one of whom wrote the +following, which he keeps pinned against the wall of his room:-- + + POOR PUSSY. + + We count mankind and keep our census still, + We count the stars that populate the night; + But who, with all his computation, can + Con catty nations right? + + In all the lands, in zones of all degrees, + No spot im-puss-able is known to be; + And sure, the ocean can't ignore the Cat, + Whose capital is C. + + Despise her not; for Nature, in the work + Of making her, remembered human laws, + And gave to Puss strange gifts of human sort; + Before she made her paws: + + First, Puss is like a soldier, if you please; + Or, like a soldier's officer, in truth; + For every night brings ample proof she is + A fencer from her youth. + + A model cosmopolitan is she, + Indifferent to change of place or time; + And, like the hardy sailor of the seas, + Inured to every climb. + + Then, like a poet of the noble sort, + Who spurns the ways of ordinary crews, + She courts the upper-storied attic salt, + And hath her private mews. + + In mathematics she eclipses quite + Our best professors of the science hard, + When, by her quadrupedal mode, she shows + Her four feet in a yard. + + To try the martial simile once more: + She apes the military drummer-man, + When, at appropriate hours of day and night, + She makes her ratty plan. + + She is a lawyer to the hapless rat, + Who strives in vain to fly her fee-line paws, + Evading once, but to be caught again + In her redeeming claws. + + Then turn not from poor Pussy in disdain, + Whose pride of ancestry may equal thine; + For is she not a blood-descendant of + The ancient Catty line? + +Speaking of strategy, my boy, you will remember that Company 3, +Regiment 5, Mackerel Brigade, started for an advance on Richmond last +week, and were within ten miles of that city. Subsequently they made +another forced march of five miles, leaving only fifteen miles to go; +and on Tuesday, a messenger came in from them to Captain Villiam Brown, +with the intelligence that the advance was already within twenty-five +miles of the rebel head-quarters. + +"Ha!" says Villiam, "the Confederacy is doomed; but I must curb the +advancing impetuosity of these devoted beings, or they'll be in Canada +in a week. I think," says Villiam, calculatingly, "that a retreat would +bring us to the summer residence of the Southern Confederacy in less +time." + +Here another messenger came in from the Richmond storming party, and, +says he: + +"The advance on Richmond has failed in consequence of the shoes +furnished by the United States of America." + +"Ah!" says Villiam, hastily setting down a goblet. + +"Yes," says the chap, mournfully, "them air shoes has demoralized +Company 3, which is advancing back to Paris at double-quick. Them +shoes," says the chap, "which was furnished by the sons of +Revolutionary forefathers by a contractor, at only twenty-five dollars +a pair for the sake of the Union, has caused a fatal mistake. They got +so ragged with being exposed to the wind, that when Company 3 hastily +put them on for an advance on Richmond, they got the heels in front and +have been going in the wrong direction ever since." + +"Where did you leave your comrades?" says Villiam. + +"At Joneses Court House," says the chap. + +"Ah!" says Villiam, "is that a healthy place?" + +"No," says the chap, "it's very unhealthy--I was drunk all the time I +was there." + +"I see," says Villiam, with great agitation, "my brave comrades are in +a tight place. Let all the newspaper correspondents be ordered to leave +Paris at once," says Villiam to his adjutants, "and we'll take measures +for a second uprising of the North." + +When it became generally known, my boy, that Company 3, Regiment 5, +Mackerel Brigade, were falling back across Duck Lake, there was great +agitation in Government circles, and the general of the Mackerel +Brigade prepared to call out all persons capable of bearing arms. + +"The Constitution is again in danger," says the general, impulsively, +"and we must appeal to the populace." + +"Ah!" says Villiam, "it would also aid our holy cause to call out the +women of America. For the women of America," says Villiam, advisedly, +"are capable of baring arms to any extent." + +"No!" says the general. "Woman's place in this war is beside the couch +of the sick soldier. Thunder!" says the general, genially, "it's enough +to make us fonder of our common nature to see the devotion of women to +the invalid volunteer. As I was passing through the hospital just now," +says the general, feelingly, "I saw a tender, delicate woman acting the +part of a ministering angel to a hero in a hard ague. She was fanning +him, my friend--she was fanning him." + +"Heaven bless her!" says Villiam, with streaming eyes; "and may she +never be without a stove when she has a fever. I really believe," says +Villiam, glowingly, "that if woman found her worst enemy, even, burning +to death, she would heap coals of fire upon his head." + +Villiam's idea of heaping coals of fire, my boy, is as literal as was +the translation of Enoch. + +On learning of the repulse from Richmond, all the Southern Union men of +Paris commenced to remember that the rebels are our brethren, and that +this war was wholly brought about by the fiendish abolitionists. + +"Yes!" says a patriotic chap from Accomac, sipping the oath loyally, +"the Abolitionists brought this here war about, and I have determined +not to support it. Our slaves read the _Tribune_, and have learned so +much from military articles in that paper that the very life of the +South depended upon separation." + +In fact, my boy, notwithstanding the efforts of Captain Villiam Brown +to tranquillize public feeling by seizing the telegraph office and +railroad depot, telegraphing to everybody he knew for reenforcements, +the excitement was steadily increasing, until word came from Company 3, +Regiment 5, Mackerel Brigade, that no enemy had been in sight at all. + +When the intelligence was brought to the General of the Mackerel +Brigade, and as soon as the band had finished serenading him, he called +for a fresh tumbler, and says he: + +"I may as well tell you at once, my children, that this whole matter is +simply a part of my plan for bringing this unnatural war to a speedy +termination. Company 3 retired by my design, and--and--in fact, my +children," says the general, confidingly, "it's something you can't +understand--it's strategy." + +Perhaps it was, my boy--perhaps it was; for there is more than one +reason to believe that strategy means military shoes with the heels in +front. + +Yours, cautiously, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER XLIX. + +NOTING THE ARCHITECTURAL EFFECTS OF THE GOTHIC STEED, PEGASUS, AND +DESCRIBING THE MACKEREL BRIGADE'S SANGUINARY ENGAGEMENT WITH THE +RICHMOND REBELS. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., June 8th, 1862. + +Once more, my boy, the summer sun has evoked long fields of bristling +bayonets from the seed sown in spring tents, and the thunder of the +shower is echoed by the roar of the scowling cannon. Onward, right +onward, sweeps the Sunset Standard of the Republic, to plant its Roses +and its Lilies on the soil where Treason has so long been the masked +reaper; to epitaph with its eternal Violet the honored battle-graves of +the heroic fallen, and to set its sleepless Stars above the Southern +Cross in a new Heaven of Peace. + +In my voyage down the river, to witness the great battle for Richmond, +I took my frescoed dog, Bologna, and my gothic steed, Pegasus. The +latter architectural animal, my boy, has again occasioned an optical +mistake. Being of a melancholy turn, and partaking somewhat of the +tastes of the horrible and sepulchral German Mind, the gothic charger +has peregrinated much in a churchyard near Washington, frequently +standing for hours in that last resting-place, lost in profound +mortuary contemplation, to the great admiration of certain vagrant +crows in the atmosphere. On such occasions, my boy, his casual pace is, +if possible, rather more _requiescat in_ "_pace_" than on ordinary +marches. I was going after him in company with a religious chap from +Boston, who is going down South to see about the contrabands being born +again, when we caught sight of Pegasus, in the distance. The sagacious +architectural stallion had just ascended the steps leading into the +graveyard, my boy, and presented a gothic and pious appearance. The +religious chap clutched my arm, and says he: + +"How beautiful it is, my fellow-sinner, to see that simple village +church, resting like the spirit of Peace in the midst of this scene of +war's desolation." + +"Why, my dear Saint Paul," says I, "that's my gothic steed, Pegasus." + +"Ahem!" says he. "You must be mistaken, my poor worm; for I can see +half way down the aisle." + +"The perspective," says I, "is simply the perspective between the hind +legs of the noble creature, and his rear elevation deceives you." + +"Well," says the religious chap, grievously, "if you ever want to do +anything for the missionary cause, my poor lost lamb, just skin that +horse and let me have his frame for a numble chapel, wherein to convert +contrabands." + +[Illustration: REQUIESCAT IN "PACE." + +ARCHITECTURAL VIEW OF THE GOTHIC STEED, PEGASUS--REAR ELEVATION.] + +On my way down the Potomac to Paris, my boy, with Pegasus and the +intelligent dog Bologna, I met Commodore Head, of the new iron-plated +Mackerel fleet, who was taking his swivel Columbiad to a blacksmith, to +have the touch-hole repaired. The Commodore met with a great +disappointment at Washington, my boy. He ordered the great military +painter, Patrick de la Roach, to paint him a portrait of Secretary +Welles, Cabinet size. When the picture came home, my boy, it was no +larger than a twenty-five-cent piece, frame and all; and the portrait +was hardly perceptible to the naked eye. + +"Wedge my turret!" says the Commodore, in his iron-plated manner, "I +wouldn't give a Galena for such a picture as that. What did you make it +so small for, you daubing cuss?" + +"Didn't you want it Cabinet size?" says the artist. + +"Batter my plates! of course I did," says the Commodore. + +"Well," says the artist, earnestly, "if you ever attended a Cabinet +meeting, you'd know that that is exactly the Cabinet size of the +Secretary of the Navy." + +The Commodore related this to me, my boy, in the interval of naval +criticisms on the gothic Pegasus, whom he pronounced as incapable of +being hit at right angles by a shell as the Monitor. "Explode my +hundred-pounder!" says the Commodore, admiringly, "I don't see any flat +surface about that oat-crushing machine. Perforate my armor, if I do!" + +A great battle was going on upon the borders of Duck Lake when we +reached Paris, my boy, and on ambling to the battle-field with my steed +and my dog, I found the Mackerel Brigade blazing away at the foe in a +thunder-storm and vivid-lightning manner. + +Captain Villiam Brown, mounted on the geometrical steed Euclid, to whom +he had administered a pinch of Macaboy to make him frisky--was just +receiving the answer of an orderly, whom he had sent to demand the +surrender of a rebel mud-work in front. + +"Did you order the rebel to surrender his incendiary establishment to +the United States of America?" says Villiam, majestically returning his +canteen to his bosom. + +"I did, sire," says the Orderly, gloomily. + +"What said the unnatural scorpion?" says Villiam. + +"Well," says the Orderly, "his reply was almost sarcastic." + +"Ha!" says Villiam, "what was't?" + +"Why," says the Orderly, sadly, "he said that if I didn't want to see a +dam fool, I'd better not go into a store where they sold +looking-glasses." + +"Ah!" says Villiam, nervously licking a cork, "that _was_ sarcastic. +Let the Orange County Howitzers push to the front," says Villiam, +excitedly, "and we'll shatter the Southern Confederacy. Hello!" says +Villiam, indignantly, "Who owns that owdacious dog there?" + +I looked, my boy, and behold it was my frescoed canine, Bologna, who +was innocently discussing a bone right in the track of the advancing +artillery. I whistled to him, my boy, and he loafed dreamily toward me. + +The Orange County Howitzers thundered forward, and then hurled an +infernal tempest of shell and canister into the horizon, taking the +roofs off of two barns, and making twenty-six Confederate old maids +deaf for life. At the same instant, Ajack, the Mackerel sharpshooter, +put a ball from his unerring rifle through a chicken-house about half a +mile distant, causing a variety of fowl proceedings. + +"Ah!" says Villiam, critically, "the angels will have to get a new sky, +if the artillery practice of the United States of America keeps on much +longer." + +Meantime Company 2, Regiment 5, Mackerel Brigade, was engaging the +enemy some distance to the right, under Captain Bob Shorty; and now +there came a dispatch from that gallant officer to Villiam, thus: + + "_The Enemy's Multiplication is too much for my Division. Send me + some more Democrats._ + + "CAPTAIN BOB SHORTY." + +"Ah!" says Villiam, "the Anatomical Cavalry and the Western Centaurs +are already going to the rescue. Blue blazes!" says Villiam, +cholerically, "Why don't that blessed dog get out of the way?" + +I looked, my boy, and, behold! it was my frescoed canine, Bologna, +calmly reasoning with a piece of army beef, in the very middle of the +field. I whistled, my boy, and the intelligent animal floated toward me +with subdued tail. + +The obstruction being removed, the Anatomicals and the Centaurs charged +gloriously under Colonel Wobert Wobinson, and would have swept the +Southern Confederacy from the face of the earth, had not the fiendish +rebels put a load of hay right in the middle of the road. To get the +horses past this object was impossible, for they hadn't seen so much +forage before in a year. + +"Ah!" says Villiam, contemplatively, "I'm afraid cavalry's a failure in +this here unnatural contest. Ha!" says Villiam, replacing the stopper +of his canteen, and quickly looking behind him, "What means this +spectacle which mine eyes observe?" + +A cloud of dust opened near us, and we saw Captain Samyule Sa-mith +rushing right into headquarters, followed by Company 6, having an aged +and very reliable contraband in charge. + +"Samyule, Samyule," says Villiam, fiercely, "expound why you leave the +field with your force, at this critical period in the history of the +United States of America?" + +"I'm supporting the Constitution," says Samyule, breathlessly, "I'm a +conservative, and--." Here Samyule tumbled over something and fell flat +on his stomach. + +"By all that's blue!" says Villiam, frantically, "why the thunder don't +somebody shoot that unnatural dog!" + +I looked, my boy, and beheld it was my frescoed canine, Bologna, who +had run between the legs of the fallen warrior, with the remains of a +captured Confederate chicken. I whistled, my boy, and the faithful +creature angled towards me with mitigated ears. + +"I'm supporting the Constitution," repeated Samyule, rising to his feet +and examining a small, black bottle to see if anything had spilt, "I'm +a conservative, and have left the field to restore this here misguided +contraband to his owner, which is a inoffensive rebel. War," says +Samyule, convincingly, "does not affect the Constitution." + +"Ah!" says Villiam, "that's very true. Take the African chasseur to his +proper master, and tell him that the United States does not war against +the rights of man." + +Now it happened, my boy, that the withdrawal of this force to carry out +the Constitution, so weakened the Advance Guard, that the Southern +Confederacy commenced to gain ground, and Villiam was obliged to form +Company 3, Regiment 5, in line immediately, for a charge to the rescue. +He got the splendid _corps_ to leave the distillery where they were +quartered, for a few minutes, and says he: + +"There's beings for you, my nice little boy! Here's veteran centurions +for you." + +"Yes," says I, admiringly. "I never saw so many red noses together +before, in all my life." + +"Ah!" says Villiam, dreamily, "there's nary red about them, except +their noses. And now," says Villiam, "you will see me lead a charge +destined to cover six pages in the future history of our distracted +country." + +"Soldiers of the Potomac!" says Villiam, drawing his sword, and hastily +sharpening it on the left profile of his geometrical steed, "your +comrades are engaging nine hundred and fifty thousand demoralized and +routed rebels, and you are called upon to charge bayonets. Follow me." + +Not a man moved, my boy. Many of them had families, and more were +engaged to be married to the women of America. They were brave but not +rash. + +Villiam drew his breath, and says he: "The United States of America, +born on the Fourth of July, 1776, calls upon you to charge bayonets, +Come on, my brave flowers of manhood!" + +Here a fearless chap stepped out of the ranks, and says he: "In +consequence of the heavy dew which fell this morning, the roads is +impassable." + +Villiam remained silent, my boy, and drooped his proud head. Could +nothing induce those devoted patriots to strike for the forlorn hope? +Suddenly, a glow of inspiration came over his face, he rose in his +saddle like a flash, waved his sword toward the foe, and shouted-- + +"I know you now, my veterans! The day is hot, yonder lies our road, +and--my peerless Napoleons," said Villiam, frenziedly: + +"COME AND TAKE A DRINK!" + +In an instant I was blinded with a cloud of dust, through which came +the wild tramp and fierce hurrahs of Company 3, Regiment 5, Mackerel +Brigade. The appeal to their finer feelings had carried them by storm, +and they charged like the double-extract of a compound avalanche. I was +listening to their cheers as they drove the demoralized foe before +them, when a political chap came riding post-haste from Paris, and says +he: + +"How many voters have fallen?" + +Before I could answer him, my boy, the triumphant Mackerels came +pouring in, just in time to meet the General of the Mackerel Brigade, +who had just rode up from a village in the rear, with an umbrella over +his head to keep off the sun. + +"My children," says the general, kindly, as their shouts fell upon his +ears, "you have sustained me nobly this day, and we will enjoy the +thanks of our grateful country together. I thank you, my children." + +Here the political chap threw up his hat, and says he: "Hurroar for the +Union! My fellow-beings," says the political chap, glowingly, "I +announce the idolized General of the Mackerel Brigade for President of +the United States in 1865." + +"Ah!" says Villiam--he would have said more, but at that moment his +horse's legs became entangled in something, and both horse and rider +went to grass. I looked, my boy, and behold, it was my frescoed dog +Bologna, who had run against the geometrical steed of the warrior in +pursuit of an army biscuit. I whistled, my boy, and the docile +quadruped shrunk toward me with criminal aspect. + +And so, the unblest cause of treason has received a decisive blow. The +end approaches; but I can't say which end, my boy--I can't say which +end. + +Yours, martially, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER L. + +REMARKING UPON A PECULIARITY OF VIRGINIA, AND DESCRIBING COMMODORE +HEAD'S GREAT NAVAL EXPLOIT ON DUCK LAKE, ETC. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., June 15th, 1862. + +Early in the week I trotted to the other side of the river on my gothic +steed Pegasus, and having lent that architectural pride of the stud to +a thoughtful individual, who wished to make a sketch of his facade, I +took a branch railroad for a circuitous passage to Paris, intending to +make one stoppage on the way. The locomotive was about two-saucepan +power, my boy, and wheezed like a New York Alderman at a free lunch. +First we stopped at a town composed of one house, and that was a depot. + +"What place is this?" says I to my fellow passenger, who was the +conductor, and was reading the _Tribune_, and was swearing to himself. +"It's Mulligan's Court-House, the Capital of Sally Ann County," says +he, and again took out the bill I had paid my fare with to see if it +was good. + +I took another branch road here, and we snailed along to another town, +composed of a wood-pile. "What place is this?" says I to my +fellow-traveller, the brakeman. "It's Abednego Junction, the capital of +Laura Matilda County," says he, sounding my quarter on his seal ring to +make sure that it was genuine. Now, as London, the city I was going to, +happened to be the capital of Anna Maria County, my boy, I made up my +mind that the sacred soil had as many metropolises as railways. + +"Virginia," says a modern Southern giant of intellect, "is one grand +embodied poem." + +I believe him, my boy; for, like a poem, Virginia appears to have a +capital at the commencement of every line. + +Reaching London, and brushing past a crowd of our true friends the +contrabands, whose cries of anguish upon hearing that I had brought +them no plum-pudding, were truly harrowing, I pushed forward to the new +Union paper, the London Times, with whose editor I had business. + +Just as I entered the office, my boy, there rushed out in great rage an +exasperated southern Union man. Having no gun about the house to pick +off our pickets as they came into town, he borrowed a barber's pole and +stuck it out of the window, proclaimed himself an oppressed Unionist, +had a meeting of his family to elect him to the United States Congress +from Anna Maria County, and made a thrilling Union address to two +contrabands from his back-stoop. He wound up this great speech, my boy, +by saying: + +"Young men, it is your duty to fight for the Union, which has caused us +all so many tears. If any young man's wife would fain dissuade him, let +him say to her, in the language of the poet, + + "'I could not love thee, dear, so much, + Loved I not Honor more!'" + +This touching peroration was sent in manuscript to the London Times, +and this is the way it appeared in that intellectual American journal: + +"Young hen, it is your duty to fight for the Onion, which has caused us +all so many tears. If any young man's wife would fain dissuade him, let +him say to her, in the language of the poet: + + "'I could not love thee, dear, so much, + Loved I not Hannah More.'" + +When the southern Union man read this twistification, he put his paper +where his wife couldn't see it (she being a very jealous woman), and +went out to cowhide the editor. He cowhided him, by frantically placing +the cowhide in the editor's hands, and then running his back repeatedly +against the weapon. Typographical errors have a unique effect in +reports of killed and wounded, my boy; but they knock the Promethean +blaze out of eloquence. + +Having transacted my business with the editor, and read a dispatch, +just received from a Gentleman of Eminence, stating that Beauregard, +who was at Okolonna, had a force of 120,000 men; but that Halleck would +probably succeed in putting the entire 80,000 to flight before +Beauregard could return from Richmond; though it was currently reported +that the rebels were sixty thousand strong, and General Pope must be +expeditious if he wanted to capture the whole 10,000 before General +Beauregard got back from the Shenandoah valley; I turned to the editor, +and says I: + +"How does newspaper business pay now, my gifted Censor?" + +He sighed, as he shoved a demijohn further under his desk, and says he: + +"There's only one newspaper in the world that pays now, sonny: + +"What's that?" says I. + +"The Paris _Pays_," says he. + +I left him immediately, my boy. Ordinary depravity don't affect me, for +I have known several Congressmen in my time; but I can't stand abnormal +iniquity. + +Arriving at Paris I found that a recent shower had made Duck Lake +navigable, and Commodore Head was preparing his fleet to attack a +secession squadron, which some covert rebel had built during the night +for the purpose of annoying the Mackerels in Paris. + +"Batter my plates!" says the commodore, cholerically, "I could capture +that poor cuss easily, if I only had a proper pilot." + +As Duck Lake is only about four yards wide at a freshet, my boy, your +ignorance may suggest no sufficient reason for a pilot in such a case; +but you are no martial mariner, my boy. + +Luckily the man for the place was at hand. On Wednesday, a glossy +contraband, in a three-story shirt-collar, and looking like a fountain +of black ink with a strong wind blowing against it, came into Paris, +and surrendered to Captain Villiam Brown. + +"Ha!" says Villiam, replacing the newspaper that had just blown off +from two lemons and a wicker flask on the table, "what says our cousin +Africa?" + +"Mars'r Vandal," says the faithful black, earnestly, "I hab important +news to combobicate. I knows all de secrets of de rebel Scratchetary of +the Navy. True as you lib, Mars'r Vandal, so help me gad, I'se de +coachman of de pirate Sumter." + +"Ah!" says Villiam, cautiously, "tell me, blessed shade, what has a +coachman got to drive on board a vessel?" + +The true-hearted contraband modestly eyed a wonder of the insect +kingdom which he had just removed from his hair, and says he: + +"I drove de ingine, mars'r." + +That was enough, my boy. Having learned from this intelligent creature +what the rebel Secretary was going to have for dinner next Sunday, and +what the Secretary's wife said in her letter to her mother, Villiam +ordered him to act as pilot on the Mackerel Fleet. + +And now let me draw a long breath before I attempt to describe that +terrific and sanguinary naval engagement, which proved conclusively +what Europe may expect, if Europe bother us with any more bigodd +nonsense. + +Having ballasted with mortar, my boy, to seem more naval, the +unblushing commodore mounted his swivel-gun at the bow of the Mackerel +Fleet, and selected for his gunner and crew a middle-aged Mackerel +chap, whose great fondness for fresh fish made him invaluable for ocean +service. + +"Crack my turret!" says the commodore, as the Fleet pushed off amid the +cheers of Company 4, Regiment 1, Mackerel Brigade; "I'll take that +craft by compound fracture. Belay the starboard ram there, you +salamander, and take a reef in the grating. Up with the signal--two +strips of pig iron rampant, with a sheet of tin in the middle." + +All this was splendidly performed by the crew, my boy, who trimmed the +rudder, did the rowing, and tended the gun--all at once. The craft +fairly flew through the water in the direction of the rebel craft, +whose horse-pistol amidship still remained silent. + +It was an awfully terrific and sublime sight, my boy. I shall never +forget it, my boy, if I live till I perish. + +The faithful colored pilot sat in the stern of the Fleet, examining +some silver spoons which he had found somewhere in the Southern +Confederacy, and we could see the noble old commodore mixing something +that steamed in the fore-sheets. + +Two seconds had now passed since our flotilla had started, and the +hostile squadrons were rubbing against each other. We were expecting to +see our navy go through some intricate manoeuvre before boarding, +when the Mackerel crew accidentally dropped a spark from his pipe on +the touch-hole of the swivel; and bang! went that horrid engine of +destruction, sending some pounds of old nails right square into the +city of Paris. + +Simultaneously, four-and-twenty foreign Consuls residing near Paris got +up a memorial to Commodore Head, protesting against any more firing +while any foreigners remained in the country, and declaring that the +use of gunpowder was an outrage on civilized warfare and the rights of +man. They tied a stone to this significant document and threw it to +Commodore Head, who instantly put the Mackerel crew on half rations and +forbid smoking abaft the big gun. + +Meanwhile the enemy had wounded our brave pilot on the shins with his +oar, and exploded his horse-pistol in an undecided direction, with such +dreadful concussion that every glass in Commodore Head's spectacles was +broken. + +It was at this dreadful crisis of the fight that the gay Mackerel crew +leaned over the side of our fleet, placed one hand on the inside of the +enemy's squadron, and with the other, regardless of the shower of +old-bottles and fish-bones flying about him, deliberately bored a small +hole, with a gimlet, through the bottom of the adversary. At about the +same moment the commodore touched off the swivel-gun at the enemy's +rudder, and threw one of his boots against the rear stomach of the +rebel captain. + +This sickening carnage might have lasted five minutes longer, had not +the Confederate squadron sunk in consequence of the gimlet-hole. Down +went the doomed craft of unblest treason, and in another moment the +officer and crew of her were in the water, which reached nearly to +their knees, imploring our fleet not to let them drown. + +Oh, that sight! the thrilling yet terrifying and agonizing grandeur of +that dreadful moment! shall I ever forget it--ever cease to hear those +cries ringing in mine ears? I'm afraid not, my boy--I'm afraid not. + +The Commodore rescued the sufferers from a watery grave; and having +been privately informed by them that the South might be conquered, but +never overcome, brought them ashore by the collars. + +Need I describe how our noble old nautical sea-dog was received by the +Mackerel Brigade? need I tell how the band whipped out his key-bugle +and played all the triumphant airs of our distracted country, and +several original cavatinas? + +But, alas! my boy, this iron-plate business is taking all the romance +out of the navy. How different is the modern from + + THE ANCIENT CAPTAIN. + + The smiles of an evening were shed on the sea, + And its wave-lips laughed through their beardings of foam; + And the eyes of an evening were mirrored beneath + The shroud of the ship and her home. + + And as Time knows an end, so that sea knew a shore, + Afar in a beautiful, tropical clime, + Where Love with the Life of each being is blent, + In a soft, psychological Rhyme. + + Oh, grand was the shore, when deserted and still + It breasted the silver-mailed hosts of the Deep! + And like the last bulwark of Nature it seemed, + 'Twixt Death and an Innocent's sleep. + + But grander it was to the eyes of a knight, + When clad in his armor he stood on the sands, + And held to his bosom its essence of Life-- + An heiress of titles and lands. + + Ah, fondly he gazed on the face of the maid! + And blush-spoken fondness replied to his look; + While heart answered heart with a feverish beat, + And hand pressed the hand that it took. + + "Fair lady of mine," said the knight, stooping low, + "Before I depart for the banquet of Death, + I crave a new draught from the fountain of Life, + Whose waters are all in thy breath. + + "The breast that is filled with thine image alone, + May safely defy the dread tempest of steel; + For while all its thoughts are of love and of thee, + What peril of Self can it feel?" + + He paused; and the silence that followed his words, + Was spread like a Hope, 'twixt a Dream and a Truth; + And in it, his fancy created a world + Wrought out of the dreams of his youth. + + Then shadows crept over the beautiful face + Turned up to the sky in the pale streaming light, + As shadows sweep over the orient pearl, + Far down in the river at night. + + "You're going," she said, "where the fleets are in leash, + Where plumed is a knight for each wave of the sea; + Yet all the wide Ocean shall have but One wave, + One ship and One sailor for me!" + + He left her, as leaveth the god of a dream + The portals that close with a heavier sleep; + And then, as he sprang to the shallop in wait, + The rowers pushed off in the Deep. + +When a captain leaves his lady-fair nowadays, my boy, he's not an +economical man if he don't destroy his life-insurance policy, and defer +making his will. + +Yours, navally, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER LI. + +GIVING DUE PROMINENCE ONCE MORE TO THE CONSERVATIVE ELEMENT, NOTING A +CAT-AND-DOG AFFAIR, AND REPORTING CAPTAIN BOB SHORTY'S FORAGING +EXPEDITION. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., June 23d, 1862. + +Not wishing to expire prematurely of inanity, my boy, I started again +last Sunday for Paris, where I took up my quarters with a dignified +conservative chap from the Border States, who came on for the express +purpose of informing the Executive that Kentucky is determined this war +shall be carried on without detriment to the material interests of the +South, otherwise Kentucky will not be answerable for herself. Kentucky +has married into the South, and has relations there which she refuses +to sacrifice. What does the Constitution say about Kentucky? Why, it +don't say anything about her. "Which is clear proof," says the +conservative chap, violently, "that Kentucky is expected to take care +of herself. Kentucky," says he, buttoning his vest over the handle of +his bowie-knife. "Kentucky will stand no nonsense whatsomever." + +I have much respect for Kentucky, my boy; they play a good hand of Old +Sledge there, and train up a child in the way he should go fifty +better; but Kentucky reminds me of a chap I once knew in the Sixth +Ward. This chap hired a room with another chap, and the two were +engaged in the dollar-jewelry business. Their stock in trade was more +numerous than valuable, my boy, and a man couldn't steal it without +suffering a most painful swindle; but the two dilapidaries were all the +time afraid of thieves; and at last, when a gentleman of suspicious +aspect moved into the lower part of the house, and flavored his +familiar conversation with such terms as "swag," "kinchin," and +"coppers," the second chap insisted upon buying a watch-dog. The first +chap said he didn't like dogs, but if his partner thought they'd better +have one, he would not object to his buying it. The second chap bought +a sausagacious animal in white and yellow, my boy--an animal covered +with bark that pealed off in large pieces all night long. The first +chap found he couldn't sleep much, and says he: + +"If you don't kill that ere stentorian beast we'll have to dissolve +pardnership." + +His partner took a thoughtful chew of tobacco, and says he: + +"That intelligent dorg is a defending of your property as well as mine, +and if we put up with his strains a little while longer, the chap down +stairs will understand the hint and make friends." + +With that the first chap flamed up, and says he: + +"I sold a breast-pin to the chap down stairs the other day, and found +out that he considers the dollar-jewelry business the same by nature as +his own. I'm beginning to think we misjudged him, and I can't have no +dog kept here to worry him. Our lease of these here premises don't say +anything about keeping a dog," says the chap, reflectively, "nor our +articles of pardnership, and I refuse to sanction the dog any longer." + +So the dog was sent to the pound, my boy, and that same night the +burglarious gentleman downstairs walked off with the dollar-jewelry, in +company with the first chap, leaving the poor second chap to make +himself uselessly disagreeable at the police-office, and set up an +apple-stand for support. + +Far be it from me, my boy, to say that certain Border States are like +the first chap; but if Uncle Sam should happen to be the second chap +let him hold on to the watch-dog. + +Speaking of dogs, I must tell you about a felis-itous canine incident +that occurred while I was at Paris. Early one morning, the Kentucky +chap and I were awakened by a great noise in the hall outside our door. +Presently an aged and reliable contraband stuck his head into the room, +and says he: + +"I golly, mars'r, dar's a big fight goin' on in dis yar place." + +At the word, my boy, we both sprang up and went to the door, from +whence we beheld one of those occurrences but too common in this +dreadful war of brother against brother. + +Face to face in the hall stood my frescoed dog, Bologna, and the +regimental cat Lord Mortimer, eyeing each other with looks of deadly +hatred and embittered animosity. High in air curved the back of the +enraged Mortimer, and his whiskers worked with intense wrath; whilst +the eloquent tail of the infuriated Bologna shot into the atmosphere +like a living flag-staff. + +"Oh-h-h! How-now?" ejaculated Bologna, throwing out his nose to +reconnoitre the enemy's first line. + +"'Sdeath!--'Sdeath!" hastily retorted Mortimer, skirmishing along in +his first parallel with spasmodic clawing. + +And now, my boy, commenced a series of scientific manoeuvres that only +Russell, of the _London Times_, could describe properly. Lord Mortimer +advanced circularly to the attack in four columns, affrighting the air +with horrid yells of defiance; and I noticed, with a feeling of +mysterious awe, that his eyes had turned a dreadful and livid green, +whilst an expression of inexpressible bitterness overspread his +countenance. + +Fathoming the enemy's plan at a glance, Bologna presented his front and +rear divisions alternately, to distract the fire of the foe; and then, +by a rapid and skillful flank movement, cut off a portion of Lord +Mortimer's tail from the main body. + +This reminded me of General Mitchell's tactics, my boy. + +Here the conservative Kentucky chap wanted to stop the fight. Says he: + +"Mortimer will be forever alienated if he loses any more of his tail. I +protest against the dog's teeth," says he; "for they'll render future +reconciliation between the two impossible. Let him use his paws alone," +says the conservative chap, reasoningly, "and he won't injure +Mortimer's constitution so much." + +"You're too late with your talk about conciliation, my noble Cicero," +says I. "It's the cat's nature to show affection for his young ones, +even, by licking them, and Mortimer will never be convinced that +Bologna cares for him until he has been soundly licked by him." + +"Ah--well," says the Kentucky chap, vaguely, "let hostilities proceed." + +Finding that the enemy had cut off a portion of his train in the rear, +Mortimer quickly massed his four columns and precipitated them upon the +head of Bologna's two front divisions, succeeding in destroying a bark +half launched, and driving him back four feet. + +"Hurroar for Mortimer!" says the Kentucky chap; and then he burst into +the Conservative Virginia National Anthem: + + "John Smith's body lies a-mouldering in the grave, + 'Twas him that Pocahontas risked her father's wrath to save; + And unto old Virginia certain Chivalry she gave, + That still go scalping on!" + +"Calm your exultation, my impulsive Catiline," says I, "and behold the +triumph of Bologna." + +Undaunted by the last claws of the foe's argument, my boy, the frescoed +dog hurled back the torrent of invasion, and, with a howl of triumph, +charged headlong upon Mortimer's works, routing the foe, who retreated +under cover of a cloud of fur. + +I looked at the conservative Kentucky chap, my boy, and I could see by +his expression that it would be useless for me to ask of him a +contribution toward rewarding Bologna with a star-spangled kennel. He +still felt neutral, my boy. + +I had intended to remain in Paris all the week; but on receiving a +telegraphic dispatch from the General of the Mackerel Brigade to attend +a Strawberry Festival he was about to give in this city, I hastened +hither. For I am very fond of the gay and festive strawberry, my boy, +on account of its resemblance to one of the hues in our distracted +banner. + +The Strawberry Festival was given in an upper room at Willard's, and +the arrangement of the fruit would have provoked an appetite in a +marble statue. At short intervals around the table were strawberries in +fours, supported by pedestals of broken ice, which was kept in position +by a fluid of pleasing color, and walled in by a circular edging of +thin glass. Strips of lemon and oranges garnished the rich fruit, and +from their midst sprang up a dainty mint plant, and a graceful hollow +straw. + +When the festival was in full operation, my boy, the General of the +Mackerel Brigade arose to his feet, and waved his straw for silence. +Says he: + +"My children, though this strawberry festival is ostensibly for the +purpose of encouraging fruit culture by the United States of America, +it has yet a deeper purpose. The democratic party," says the general, +paternally, "is about to be born again, and it is time to make +preparation for the next Presidential election in 1865. I must go to +Albany and Syracuse, and see the State Conventions; after which I must +attend to the re-organization of the party in New York city. Then I go +to Pennsylvania to do stump duty for a year; and from thence, to--" + +Here a serious chap, who had taken rather too much Strawberry Festival, +looked up, and says he: + +"But how about the war all that time?" + +"The war!--the war!" says the general, thoughtfully. "Thunder!" says +the general, with such a start that he spilt some of his Festival, "I'd +really forgotten all about the war!" + +"Hum!" says the serious chap, gloomily, "you're worth millions to a +suffering country--_you_ are." + +"Flatterer!" says the general blandly. + +"Yes," says the chap, "you're worth millions--with a hundred per cent +off for cash." + +_In vino veritas_ is a sage old saying, my boy, and I take it to be a +free translation of the Scripture phrase, "In spirit and in truth." + +Our brigadiers are so frequently absent-minded themselves, my boy, that +they are not particularly absent-minded by the rest of the army. + +Upon quitting the Strawberry Festival I returned post-haste again to +Paris, where I arrived just in time to start with Captain Bob Shorty +and a company from the Conic Section of the Mackerel Brigade on a +foraging expedition. We went to look up a few straw-beds for the +feeding of the Anatomical Cavalry horses, my boy, and the conservative +Kentucky chap went along to see that we did not violate the +Constitution nor the rights of man. + +"It's my opinion, comrade," says Captain Bob Shorty, as we started +out--"it's my opinion, my Union ranger, that this here unnatural war is +getting worked down to a very fine point, when we can't go out for an +armful of forage without taking the Constitution along on an ass. I +think," says Captain Bob Shorty, "that the Constitution is as much out +of place here as a set of fancy harness would be in a drove of wild +buffaloes." + +Can such be the case, my boy--can such be the case? Then did our +Revolutionary forefathers live in vain. + +Having moved along in gorgeous cavalcade until about noon, we stopped +at the house of a First Family of Virginia who were just going to +dinner. Captain Bob Shorty ordered the Mackerels to stack arms and draw +canteens in the front-door yard, and then we entered the domicil and +saluted the domestic mass-meeting in the dining-room. + +"We come, sir," says Bob, addressing the venerable and high-minded +Chivalry at the head of the table, "to ask you if you have any old +straw-beds that you don't want, that could be used for the cavalry of +the United States of America." + +The Chivalry only paused long enough to throw a couple of pie-plates at +us, and then says he: + +"Are you accursed abolitionists?" + +The conservative Kentucky chap stepped hastily forward, and says he: + +"No, my dear sir, we are the conservative element." + +The Chivalry's venerable wife, who was a female Southern Confederacy, +leaned back a little in her chair, so that her little son could see to +throw a teacup at me, and says she: + +"You ain't Tribune reporters--be you?" + +"We were all noes and no ayes." Quite a feature in social intercourse, +my boy. + +The aged Chivalry caused three fresh chairs to be placed at the table, +and having failed to discharge the fowling-piece which he had pointed +at Captain Bob Shorty, by reason of dampness in the cap, he waved us to +seats, and says he: + +"Sit down, poor hirelings of a gorilla despot, and learn what it is to +taste the hospitality of a Southern gentleman. You are Lincoln hordes," +says the Chivalry, shaking his white locks, "and have come to butcher +the Southern Confederacy; but the Southern gentleman knows how to be +courteous, even to a vandal foe." + +Here the Chivalry switched out a cane which he had concealed behind +him, and made a blow at Captain Bob Shorty. + +"See here," says Bob, indignantly, "I'll be--" + +"Hush!" says the conservative Kentucky chap, agitatedly, "don't +irritate the old patriarch, or future amicable reconstruction of the +Union will be out of the question. He is naturally a little provoked +just now," says the Kentucky chap, soothingly, "but we must show him +that we are his friends." + +We all sat down in peace at the hospital board, my boy, only a few +sweet potatoes and corn-cobs being thrown by the children, and found +the fare to be in keeping with the situation of our distracted +country--I may say, war-fare. + +"In consequence of the blockade of the Washington Ape," says the +Chivalry, pleasantly, "we only have one course, you see; but even these +last-year's sweet potatoes must be luxuries to mercenary mud-sills +accustomed to husks." + +I had just reached out my plate, to be helped, my boy, when there came +a great noise from the Mackerels in the front door-yard. + +"What's that?" says Captain Bob Shorty. + +"O, nothing," says the female Confederacy, taking another bite of +hoe-cake, "I've only told one of the servants to throw some hot water +on your reptile hirelings." + +As Captain Bob Shorty turned to thank her for her explanation, and +while his plate was extended, to be helped, the aged Chivalry fired a +pistol at him across the table, the ball just grazing his head and +entering the wall behind him. + +"By all that's blue," says Captain Bob Shorty, excitedly, "now I'll +be--" + +"Be calm--now, be calm," says the conservative Kentucky chap, hastily, +"don't I tell you that it's only natural for the good old soul to be a +little provoked? If you go to irritate him, we can never live together +as brethren again." + +Matters being thus rendered pleasant, my boy, we quickly finished the +simple meal; and as Captain Bob Shorty warded off the carving-knife +just thrown at him by the Chivalry's little son, he turned to the +female Confederacy, and says he: + +"Many thanks for your kind hospitality; and now about that straw bed?" + +The Virginia matron threw the vinegar-cruet at him, and says she: + +"My servants have already given one to your scorpions, you nasty +Yankee." + +"Of course," says the venerable Chivalry, just missing a blow at me +with a bowie-knife, "of course, your despicable Government will pay me +for my property!" + +"Pay _you_!" says Captain Bob Shorty, hotly, "now I'll be--" + +"Certainly it will, my friend," broke in the conservative Kentucky +chap, eagerly, "the Union troops come here as your friends; for they +make war on none but traitors." + +As we left the domicil, my boy, brushing from our coats the slops that +had just been thrown upon us from an upper window, I saw the Chivalry's +children training a fowling-piece from the roof, and hoisting the flag +of the Southern Confederacy on one of the chimneys. + +And will it be possible to regain the love of these noble people again, +my boy, if we treat them constitutionally? We shall see, my boy, we +shall see. + +Yours, for further national abasement, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +LETTER LII. + +DESCRIBING, AMONG OTHER THINGS, A SPECIALITY OF CONGRESS, A VENERABLE +POPULAR IDOL, AND THE DIFFICULTIES EXPERIENCED BY CAPTAIN SAMYULE +SA-MITH IN DYING. + + +WASHINGTON, D.C., June 25th, 1862. + +How beautiful is Old Age, my boy, when it neither drinks nor swears. +There is an oily and beneficent dignity about fat Old Age which +overwhelms us with a sense of our crime in being guilty of youth. I +have at last been introduced to the Venerable Gammon, who is all the +time saying things; and he is a luscious example of overpowering Old +Age. He is fat and gliding, my boy, with a face that looks like a full +moon coming out of a sheepskin, and a dress indicating that he may be +anything from a Revolutionary Forefather to the patriarch of all the +Grace Church sextons. I can't find out that he ever did anything, my +boy, and no one can tell why it is that he should treat everybody in +office and out of it in such a fatherly and fatly condescending manner; +but the people fairly idolize him, my boy, and he is all the time +saying things. + +When I was introduced to the Venerable Gammon he was beaming +benignantly on a throng of adoring statesmen in the lobby of Congress, +and I soon discovered that he was saying things. + +"Men tell us that this war has only just commenced," says the Venerable +Gammon with fat profundity, "but they are wrong. _War is like a stick, +which has two ends--the end nearest you being the_ BEGINNING." + +Then each statesman wanted the Venerable Gammon to use _his_ +pocket-handkerchief; and five-and-twenty desperate reporters tore +passionately away to the telegraph office to flash far and wide the +comforting remarks of the Venerable Gammon. + +Are we a race of unsuspecting innocents, my boy, and are we easily +imposed upon by shirt-ruffles and oily magnitude of manner? I believe +so, my boy--I believe so. + +Speaking of Congress; I attended one of its sittings the other day, my +boy, and was deeply edified to observe its manner of legislating for +our happy but distracted country. + +The "Honorable Speaker" (_ne_ Grow) occupied the Chair. + +Mr. PODGERS (republican, Mass.) desired to know if the tax upon Young +Hyson is not to be moderated? Speaking for his constituents he would +say that the present rate was entirely too high to suit any grocer-- + +Mr. STAGGERS (conservative, Border State) wished to know whether this +body intended to legislate for white men or niggers? His friend, the +pusillanimous scoundrel from Massachusetts, chose to oppose the tax on +Young Hyson because--to use his own words--it would not "suit a negro, +sir--" + +Mr. PODGERS thought his friend from the Border State was too hasty. The +phrase he used was "_any grocer_." + +Mr. STAGGERS withdrew his previous remark. We were fighting this war to +secure the Constitution and the pursuit of happiness to the misguided +South, and he accepted his friend's apology. + +Mr. FIGGINS (democrat, New Jersey) said that he could not but notice +that everything all the Honorable gentlemen had said during this +session was a fatal heresy, destructive of all Government, degrading to +the species, and an insult to the common sense of his (Figgins') +constituents. His constituents demanded that Congress should set the +country at rights before Europe. It would appear that at the least +imperious sign from Europe, the American knee grows-- + +Mr. JUGGLES (con., Border State) desired to inquire of the House +whether the great struggle in which we are now engaged is for the +benefit of the Caucasian race or the debased African? His friend, the +puling idiot from New Jersey, had seen fit to remark that the American +negroes-- + +Mr. FIGGINS denied that he had spoken at all of negroes. He was about +to say, that at the slightest behest of Europe "the _American knee +grows flexible to bend_." + +Mr. JUGGLES wished it to be understood that he was satisfied with his +Honorable friend's explanation. He would take something with the +Honorable Gentleman immediately after adjournment. + +Mr. CHUNKY (rep., New Hampshire) was anxious to inquire whether it was +true, as stated in the daily papers, that General McDowell had been +ordered to imprison all the Union men within his lines on suspicion of +their being Secessionists, and place a guard over the property of the +Secessionists, on suspicion of their being Union men? If so, he would +warn the Administration that it was cherishing a viper which would +sting it: + + "The rose you deftly cull-ed, man, + May wound you with its thorn, + And--" + +Mr. WADDLES (Union, Border State) protested against the decency of a +Constitutional body like Congress being insulted with the infamous and +seditious abolition doggerel just quoted by his friend, the despicable +incendiary from New Hampshire. We were waging this war solely to put +down treason, and not to hear a rose, the fairest of flowers, mentioned +in the same breath with the filthy colored man-- + +Mr. CHUNKY was sorry to observe that his Honorable friend had +misunderstood his language. The line he had used was simply this: + + "The rose you deftly _cull-ed, man_." + +Mr. WADDLES was glad that his valued friend from New Hampshire had +apologized. He had only taken exception to what he considered a fatal +heresy. + +That was enough for me, my boy, and I left the hall of legislation; for +I sometimes become a little wearied when I hear too much of one thing, +my boy. + +I mentioned my impression to the Venerable Gammon, and says he: + +"Congress is the soul of the nation. Congress," says the Venerable +Gammon, with fat benignity, "_is something like a wheel, whose spokes +tend to tire_." + +He said this remarkable thing in an overtowering way, my boy, and I +felt myself to be a crushed infant before him. + +Early in the week, I took my usual trip to Paris, and found Company 3, +Regiment 5, Mackerel Brigade, making an advance from the further shore +of Duck Lake, for sanitary reasons. It was believed to be detrimental +to the health of the gay Mackerels to be so near a body of pure water, +my boy, for they were not accustomed to the element. + +"Thunder!" says the general, brushing off a small bit of ice that had +adhered to his nose, "they'll be drinking it next." + +Captain Samyule Sa-mith was ordered to command the advance; but when he +heard that the Southern Confederacy had two swivels over there, he was +suddenly taken very sick, and cultivated his bed-clothes. + +When the news of the serious illness of this valiant officer got +abroad, my boy, there was an immediate rush of free and enterprising +civilian chaps to his bedside. + +One chap, who was an uncombed reporter for a discriminating and +affectionate daily press, took me aside, and says he: + +"Our paper has the largest circulation, and is the best advertising +mejum in the United States. As soon as our brother-in-arms expires," +says the useful chap, feelingly, "just fill up this printed form and +send it to me, and I will mention you in our paper as a promising young +man." + +I took the printed form, my boy, which I was to fill up, and found it +to read thus: + + "BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF THE LATE ----. + + "This noble and famous officer, recently slain at the head of his + ---- (I put the word 'bed' in this blank, my boy), was born at ---- + on the ---- day of ----, 1776, and entered West Point in his ---- + year. He won immortal fame by his conduct in the Mexican campaign, + and was created brigadier-general on the -- of ----, 1862." + +These printed forms suit the case of any soldier, my boy; but I didn't +entirely fill this one up. + +Samyule was conversing with the chaplain about his Federal soul, when a +tall, shabby chap made a dash for the bedside, and says he to Samyule: + +"I'm agent for the great American publishing house of Rushem & Jinks, +and desire to know if you have anything that could be issued in +book-form after your lamented departure. We could make a handsome 12mo +book," says the shabby chap, persuadingly, "of your literary remains. +Works of a Union Martyr--Eloquent Writings of a Hero--Should be in +every American Library--Take it home to your wife--Twenty editions +ordered in advance of publication--Half-calf, $1.--Send in your +orders." + +Samyule looked thoughtfully at the publishing chap, and says he: + +"I never wrote anything in my life." + +"Oh!" says the shabby chap, pleasantly, "anything will do--your early +poems in the weekly journals--anything." + +"But," says Samyule, regretfully, "I never wrote a line to a newspaper +in all my life." + +"What!" says the publishing chap, almost in a shriek--"never wrote a +line to a newspaper? Gentleman," says the chap, looking toward us, +suspiciously, "this man can't be an American." And he departed hastily. + +Believing, my boy, that there would be no more interruptions, Samyule +went on dying; but I was called from his bedside by a long-haired chap +from New York. Says the chap to me: + +"My name is Brown--Brown's Patent Hair-Dye, 25 cents a bottle. Of +course," says the hirsute chap, affably, "a monument will be erected to +the memory of our departed hero. An Italian marble shaft, standing on a +pedestal of four panels. Now," says the hairy chap, insinuatingly, "I +will give ten thousand dollars to have my advertisement put on the +panel next to the name of the lamented deceased. We can get up +something neat and appropriate, thus: + +[Illustration: + +WE MUST ALL DIE; + +BUT + +BROWN'S DYE IS THE BEST] + +"There!" says the enterprising chap, smilingly, "that would be very +neat and moral, besides doing much good to an American fellow-being." + +I made no reply, my boy; but I told Samyule about it, and it excited +him so that he regained his health. + +"If I can't die," says the lamented Samyule, "without some advertising +cuss's making money by it, I'll defer my visit to glory until next +season." + +And he got well, my boy--he got well. + +I was talking to the chaplain about Samyule's illness, and says the +chaplain: + +"I am happy to say, my fellow-sinner, that when our beloved Samyule was +at the most dangerous crisis, he gave the most convincing proof of +realizing his critical condition." + +"How?" says I, skeptically. + +"Why," says the chaplain, with a Christian look, "when I told our +beloved Samyule that there could be little hope of his recovery, and +asked him if his spiritual adviser could do anything to make his +passage easier, he pressed my hand fervently, and besought me to see +that he was buried _with a fan in his hand_." + +Can it be, my boy, that the soul of a Mackerel will need a fan in +another world? Let us meditate upon this, my boy--let us meditate upon +this! + +Yours, seriously, + +ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers. Series 1, by +Robert H. Newell + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS. *** + +***** This file should be named 35906.txt or 35906.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/5/9/0/35906/ + +Produced by Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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