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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/36048-8.txt b/36048-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..99e9965 --- /dev/null +++ b/36048-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5534 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Martine's Hand-book of Etiquette, and Guide +to True Politeness, by Arthur Martine + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Martine's Hand-book of Etiquette, and Guide to True Politeness + +Author: Arthur Martine + +Release Date: May 6, 2011 [EBook #36048] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MARTINE'S HAND-BOOK OF ETIQUETTE *** + + + + +Produced by Julia Miller, Matthew Wheaton and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + + + + + + + + + MARTINE'S + + HAND-BOOK OF ETIQUETTE, + + AND + + GUIDE TO TRUE POLITENESS. + + + A COMPLETE MANUAL FOR THOSE WHO DESIRE TO UNDERSTAND THE RULES OF GOOD + BREEDING, THE CUSTOMS OF GOOD SOCIETY, AND TO AVOID INCORRECT AND + VULGAR HABITS, + + + CONTAINING + + _Clear and Comprehensive Directions for Correct Manners, Dress, and + Conversation_; + + _Instructions for Good Behavior at Dinner Parties, and the Table, with + Hints on the Art of Carving and Taking Wine at Table_; + + _Together with the Etiquette of the Ball and Assembly Room, Evening + Parties_; + + _Deportment in the Street and when Travelling_; + + _And the Usages to be Observed when Visiting or Receiving Calls_. + + + TO WHICH IS ADDED + + THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE, DOMESTIC DUTIES, AND FIFTY-SIX + RULES TO BE OBSERVED IN GENERAL SOCIETY. + + BY ARTHUR MARTINE. + + NEW YORK: + DICK & FITZGERALD, PUBLISHERS. + + + Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1866, by + + DICK & FITZGERALD, + + In the Clerk's office of the District Court of the United States for + the Southern District of New York. + + + + + CONTENTS. + + + General Observations 5 + + The Art of Conversation 8 + + General Rules for Conversation 24 + + On Dress 48 + + Introductions 57 + + Letters of Introduction 61 + + Dinner Parties 63 + + Habits at Table 67 + + Wine at Table 74 + + Carving 82 + + Etiquette of the Ball and Assembly Room 93 + + Evening Parties 104 + + Visiting 113 + + Street Etiquette 127 + + Traveling 133 + + Marriage 136 + + Domestic Etiquette and Duties 144 + + On General Society 154 + + + + +GENERAL OBSERVATIONS. + + +Politeness has been defined as an "artificial good-nature;" but it would +be better said that _good-nature is natural politeness_. It inspires us +with an unremitting attention, both to please others and to avoid giving +them offence. Its code is a ceremonial, agreed upon and established +among mankind, to give each other external testimonies of friendship or +respect. _Politeness_ and _etiquette_ form a sort of supplement to the +law, which enables society to protect itself against offences which the +_law_ cannot touch. For instance, the law cannot punish a man for +habitually staring at people in an insolent and annoying manner, but +_etiquette_ can banish such an offender from the circles of good +society, and fix upon him the brand of vulgarity. _Etiquette_ consists +in certain forms, ceremonies, and rules which the _principle of +politeness_ establishes and enforces for the regulation of the manners +of men and women in their intercourse with each other. + +Many unthinking persons consider the observance of etiquette to be +nonsensical and unfriendly, as consisting of unmeaning forms, practiced +only by the _silly_ and the idle; an opinion which arises from their not +having reflected on the _reasons_ that have led to the establishment of +certain rules indispensable to the well-being of society, and without +which, indeed, it would inevitably fall to pieces, and be destroyed. + +The true aim of politeness, is to make those with whom you associate as +well satisfied with themselves as possible. It does not, by any means, +encourage an impudent self-importance in them, but it does whatever it +can to accommodate their feelings and wishes in social intercourse. +Politeness is a sort of social benevolence, which avoids wounding the +pride, or shocking the prejudices of those around you. + +The principle of politeness is the same among all nations, but the +ceremonials which etiquette imposes differ according to the taste and +habits of various countries. For instance, many of the minor rules of +etiquette at Paris differ from those at London; and at New York they may +differ from both Paris and London. But still the polite of every country +have about the same manners. + +Of the manners and deportment of both ladies and gentlemen, we would +remark that a proper consideration for the welfare and comfort of others +will generally lead to a greater propriety of demeanor than any rules +which the most rigid master of etiquette could supply. This feeling, +however, is one that must be cultivated, for the promptings of nature +are eminently selfish, and courtesy and good-breeding are only +attainable by effort and discipline. But even courtesy has limits where +dignity should govern it, for when carried to excess, particularly in +manner, it borders on sycophancy, which is almost as despicable as +rudeness. To overburden people with attention; to render them +uncomfortable with a prodigality of proffered services; to insist upon +obligations which they do not desire, is not only to render yourself +disagreeable, but contemptible. This defect of manners is particularly +prevalent in the rural districts, where the intense effort to render a +visitor comfortable has exactly the contrary effect; besides, there are +those whose want of refinement and good breeding often leads them to an +unwarrantable familiarity, which requires coldness and indifference to +subdue. + +Much misconstruction and unpleasant feeling arises, especially in +country towns, from not knowing what is "_expected_," or necessary to be +done on certain occasions, resulting sometimes from the prevalence of +local customs, with which the world in general are not supposed to be +acquainted. "To do in Rome as the Romans do," applies to every kind of +society. At the same time, you can never be expected to commit a serious +breach of manners because your neighbors do so. + +But what you should do, and what not, in particular cases, you will +learn in the following chapters. I have only now to say, that if you +wish to be agreeable, which is certainly a good and religious desire, +you must both study how to be so, and take the trouble to put your +studies into constant practice. The fruit you will soon reap. You will +be generally liked and loved. The gratitude of those to whom you have +devoted yourself will be shown in speaking well of you; you will become +a desirable addition to every party, and whatever your birth, fortune, +or position, people will say of you, "He is a most agreeable and +well-bred man," and be glad to introduce you to good society. But you +will reap a yet better reward. You will have in yourself the +satisfaction of having taken trouble and made sacrifices in order to +give pleasure and happiness for the time to others. How do you know what +grief or care you may not obliterate, what humiliation you may not alter +to confidence, what anxiety you may not soften, what--last, but really +not least--what intense dullness you may not enliven? If this work +assist you in becoming an agreeable member of good society, I shall +rejoice at the labor it has given me. + + + + +THE ART OF CONVERSATION. + + +As the object of conversation is pleasure and improvement, those +subjects only which are of universal interest can be made legitimate +topics of pleasantry or discussion. And it is the gift of expressing +thoughts and fancies in a quick, brilliant, and graceful manner on such +topics,--of striking out new ideas, eliciting the views and opinions of +others, of attaching the interest of all to the subject discussed, +giving it, however trifling in itself, weight and importance in the +estimation of the hearers, that constitutes the great talent for +conversation. But this talent can never, we may safely aver, be +displayed except in a good cause, and when conversation is carried on in +a spirit of genuine charity and benevolence. + +We should meet in society to please and be pleased, and not to display +cold and stately dignity, which is as much out of place, as all attempts +to shine by a skillful adherence to the fantastic rules of the +silver-fork school, are puerile and ludicrous. Such little things are +great to little persons, who are proud of having acquired by rote, what +the naturally elegant derive, in sufficient measure, from naturally just +feeling. + +The power of preserving silence is the very first requisite to all who +wish to shine, or even please in discourse; and those who cannot +preserve it, have really no business to speak. Of course, I do not mean +the dull, ignorant, sulky, or supercilious silence, of which we see +enough in all conscience; but the graceful, winning and eloquent +silence. The silence that, without any deferential air, listens with +polite attention, is more flattering than compliments, and more +frequently broken for the purpose of encouraging others to speak, than +to display the listener's own powers. This is the really eloquent +silence. It requires great genius--more perhaps than speaking--and few +are gifted with the talent; but it is of such essential advantage, that +I must recommend its study to all who are desirous to take a share in +conversation, and beg they will learn to be silent, before they attempt +to speak. + +Notwithstanding the praise here bestowed on silence, it must still be +explained that there are various modes of being silently rude. There is +the rude silence of disdain--of not hearing, of not even deeming your +words deserving attention or reply. These are minor and mere passive +modes of impertinence; the direct and active sort of silent rudeness is +to listen with a fixed and attentive stare on the speaker, and without +any necessity of raising the eyebrows--for that might be +precarious--show your utter amazement, that any one should think of thus +addressing a person of your rank, wealth, genius, or greatness. There +are of course various styles and degrees in all these modes of +impertinence, but they all originate in the same cause: ignorance of the +real facility of being rude, and a wish to acquire distinction by the +practice. It is idle to assert that every one can be rude if he likes; +for, if such were the fact, we should not see hosts of persons belonging +to what is termed good society, seeking fame and renown by various +shades and degrees of mere impertinence. + +Never give short or sharp answers in ordinary conversation, unless you +aspire to gain distinction by mere rudeness; for they have in fact no +merit, and are only uncivil. "I do not know," "I cannot tell," are the +most harmless words possible, and may yet be rendered very offensive by +the tone and manner in which they are pronounced. Never reply, in answer +to a question like the following, "Did Mrs. Spitewell tell you how Miss +Rosebud's marriage was getting on?" "I did not ask." It is almost like +saying, I never ask impertinent questions, though you do; we learn +plenty of things in the world without having first inquired about them. +If you must say, you did not ask, say, that "you forgot to ask," +"neglected it," or "did not think of it." We can always be ordinarily +civil, even if we cannot always be absolutely wise. + +Except in mere sport and raillery, and where a little _extravaganza_ is +the order of the moment, always when you answer, or speak in reply to an +observation made, speak to the true and just import of what is said. +Leave quibbling of every kind to lawyers pleading at the bar for the +life of a culprit; in society and conversation it is invariably out of +place, unless when Laughter is going his merry round. At all other times +it is a proof of bad breeding. + +You must not overstretch a proposition, neither must you overstretch or +spin out a jest, that has done its duty; for few can be made to rebound +after they have once come to the ground. + +Another mode of being rude, is to collect, and have at command, all the +set phrases used by uncivil persons, in order to say what they fancy +very sharp and severe things. Such a collector, jealous perhaps of the +attention with which a pleasant guest is listened to, may break in upon +the most harmless discourse with the words, "I think you _lie_ under a +mistake." The term may in itself be harmless, but its application is at +all times rude, coarse and decidedly vulgar. + +La Bruyère tells us that "rudeness is not a fixed and inherent vice of +the mind, but the result of other vices; it springs," he says, "from +vanity, ignorance, laziness, stupidity, jealousy, and inattention. It is +the more hateful from being constantly displayed in exterior deportment +and from being thus always visible and manifest; and is offensive in +character and degree according to the source from which it takes its +rise." + +We next come to the loud talker, the man who silences a whole party by +his sole power of lungs. All subjects are alike to him; he speaks on +every topic with equal fluency, is never at a loss, quotes high +authority for every assertion, and allows no one else to utter a word; +he silences, without the least ceremony, every attempt at interruption, +however cleverly managed;--calls out, "I beg your pardon," in a tone +that shows how ill-used he thinks himself,--or shuts your mouth +with--"One minute, if you please, sir!" as much as to say, you are +surely a very ill-bred fellow. Great, and especially loud and positive +talkers, have been denounced by all writers on manners as shallow and +superficial persons. And P. André, the author of a French Essay on the +Beautiful, declares distinctly, that "no man of sense was ever a great +talker." + +Next to the talker, we have the man who gives an account of his dogs, +horses, lands, books, and pictures. Whatever is his, must, he thinks, +interest others; and listen they must, however resolutely they may +attempt to change the current of his discourse. + +Women of this class are sometimes too fond of praising their children. +It is no doubt an amiable weakness; but I would still advise them to +indulge as little as possible in the practice; for however dear the +rosy-cheeked, curly-headed prattlers may be to them, the chances are, +that others will vote the darlings to be great bores; you that have +children, never speak of them in company. You must not even praise your +near relations; for the subject deprives the hearer of all power to +dissent, and is therefore clearly objectionable. + +In the same line is the clever bore, who takes up every idle speech, to +show his wisdom at a cheap rate. If you say, "Hang the weather!" before +such a man, he immediately proves, by logical demonstrations, that the +weather has no neck by which it can be suspended. The grave expounder of +truisms belongs to this class. He cannot allow the simplest conversation +to go on, without entering into proofs and details familiar to every +child nine years of age; and the tenor of his discourse, however +courteous in terms and manner, pays you the very indifferent compliment, +of supposing that you have fallen from some other planet, in total and +absolute ignorance of the most ordinary and every-day things connected +with this little world of ours. All foreigners are particularly great at +this style of boring. + +Then you have the indifferent and apathetic bore, who hardly condescends +to pay the least attention to what you say; and who, if he refrains from +the direct and absolute rudeness of yawning in your face, shows, by +short and drawling answers, given at fits and starts, and completely at +variance with the object of the conversation, that he affects at least a +total indifference to the party present, and to the subject of +discourse. In society, the absent man is uncivil; he who affects to be +so, is rude and vulgar. All persons who speak of their ailings, +diseases, or bodily infirmities, are offensive bores. Subjects of this +sort should be addressed to doctors, who are paid for listening to them, +and to no one else. Bad taste is the failing of these bores. Then we +have the ladies and gentlemen who pay long visits, and who, meeting you +at the door prepared to sally forth, keep you talking near the fire till +the beauty of the day is passed; and then take their leave, "hoping they +have not detained you." Bad feeling or want of tact here predominates. + +"Hobby-riders," who constantly speak on the same eternal subject,--who +bore you at all times and at all hours,--whether you are in health or in +sickness, in spirits or in sorrow, with the same endless topic, must not +be overlooked in our list; though it is sufficient to denounce them. +Their failing is occasioned by a total want of judgment. + +The _Malaprops_ are also a numerous and unhappy family, for they are +constantly addressing the most unsuitable speeches to individuals or +parties. To the blind they will speak of fine pictures and scenery; and +will entertain a person in deep mourning with the anticipated pleasures +of to-morrow's ball. A total want of ordinary thought and observation, +is the general cause of the _Malaprop_ failing. + +Let us add to this very imperfect list the picture of a bore described +by Swift. "Nothing," he says, "is more generally exploded than the folly +of talking too much; yet I rarely remember to have seen five people +together, where some one among them hath not been predominant in that +kind, to the great constraint and disgust of all the rest. But among +such as deal in multitudes of words, none are comparable to the sober, +deliberate talker, who proceedeth with much thought and caution, maketh +his preface, brancheth out into several digressions, findeth a hint that +putteth him in mind of another story, which he promises to tell you when +this is done, cometh back regularly to his subject, cannot readily call +to mind some person's name, holdeth his head, complaineth of his memory; +the whole company all this while in suspense; at last says, it is no +matter, and so goes on. And to crown the business, it perhaps proveth at +last a story the company has heard fifty times before, or at best some +insipid adventure of the relater." + +To this we may add, that your cool, steady talkers, who speak with the +care and attention of professors demonstrating mathematical +problems,--who weigh, measure and balance every word they utter,--are +all decided objectionables in society. It is needless to say, that such +persons never blunder, and never "stumble over a potato;" a matter of +little recommendation. In conversation there must be, as in love and in +war, some hazarding, some rattling on; nor need twenty falls affect +you, so long as you take cheerfulness and good humor for your guides; +but the careful and measured conversation just described is always, +though perfectly correct, extremely dull and tedious--a vast blunder +from first to last. + +There are also many persons who commence speaking before they know what +they are going to say. The ill-natured world, who never miss an +opportunity of being severe, declare them to be foolish and destitute of +brains. I shall not go so far; but hardly know what we should think of a +sportsman who would attempt to bring down a bird before he had loaded +his gun. + +I have purposely reserved the egotistical bore for the last on this +short and imperfect list. It is truly revolting, indeed, to approach the +very _Boa-constrictor_ of good society; the snake who comes upon us, not +in the natural form of a huge, coarse, slow reptile, but Proteus-like, +in a thousand different forms; though all displaying at the first sight +the boa-bore, ready to slime over every subject of discourse with the +vile saliva of selfish vanity. Pah! it is repulsive even to speak of the +species, numerous, too, as the sands along the shore. + +Some of the class make no ceremony of immediately intruding themselves +and their affairs on the attention of a whole party; of silencing every +other subject started, however interesting to the company, merely that +they may occupy the prominent and most conspicuous position. Others +again are more dexterous, and with great art will lie on the watch to +hook in their own praise. They will call a witness to remember they +always foretold what would happen in such a case, but none would believe +them; they advised such a man from the beginning, and told him the +consequences just as they happened; but he would have his own way. +Others make a vanity of telling their own faults; they are the strangest +men in the world; they cannot dissemble; they own it is a folly; they +have lost abundance of advantages by it; but if you would give them the +world, they cannot help it; there is something in their nature that +abhors insincerity and constraint, with many other insufferable topics +of the same altitude. Thus, though bores find their account in speaking +ill or well of themselves, it is the characteristic of a gentleman that +he never speaks of himself at all. + +La Bruyère says, "The great charm of conversation consists less in the +display of one's own wit and intelligence, than in the power to draw +forth the resources of others; he who leaves you after a long +conversation, pleased with himself and the part _he_ has taken in the +discourse, will be your warmest admirer. Men do not care to admire you, +they wish you to be pleased with them; they do not seek for instruction +or even amusement from your discourse, but they do wish you to be made +acquainted with their talents and powers of conversation; and the true +man of genius will delicately make all who come in contact with him feel +the exquisite satisfaction of knowing that they have appeared to +advantage." + +I have no desire to condemn my readers to eternal silence; but must +inform them that it is not so easy to _shine_ in conversation as many +suppose. Fluency of tongue and a little modest assurance, though very +well for imposing on the unwary, go but a short way when you have to +deal with those who are really worth pleasing. + +How can a person _shine_ by conversation in elegant and educated +society, whose thoughts have never ranged beyond the gratification of +foolish vanity and mean selfishness; who has never reflected on life, +men and manners; whose mind has not turned to the contemplation of the +works and wonders of nature; and who, in the events of his own time, has +not seen the results of the many deeds of sorrow, shame, greatness, and +glory, that crowd the pages of the world's variegated annals? Whoever +would _shine_ in polite discourse must at least be well versed in the +philosophy of life, and possess a fair acquaintance with general and +natural history, and the outlines of science. And though he need be +neither a poet nor an artist, he must be well read in poetry and +acquainted with fine arts; because it is only by their study that taste +can be cultivated and fancy guided. A familiarity with the fine arts is +necessary, in fact, to give him a just perception of the sublime and +beautiful, the very foundation whence our emotions of delight must +arise. Any one attempting to _shine_ in conversation, without possessing +the trifling acquirements here mentioned,--for I have said nothing of +learning and science,--will most assuredly make an indifferent figure, +and had better therefore content himself with simply pleasing by +unaffected cheerfulness and good humor, which is within reach of all. + +As to subjects for conversation, what difficulty can there be about +them? Will not books, balls, bonnets and metaphysics furnish pleasant +topics of discourse? Can you not speak of the + + "Philosophy and science, and the springs + Of wonder, and the wisdom of the world?"-- + +Are flirtations, traveling, love and speech-making at an end; or is the +great globe itself and the weather on its surface so perfectly +stationary that you can find nothing to say about them? No, no, let us +not deceive ourselves; we never want subjects of conversation; but we +often want the knowledge how to treat them; above all, how to bring them +forward in a graceful and pleasing manner. We often want observation and +a just estimate of character, and do not know how, in the present +defective state of society, any passing remark intended to open a +conversation may be received. + +Cheerfulness, unaffected cheerfulness, a sincere desire to please and be +pleased, unchecked by any efforts to shine, are the qualities you must +bring with you into society, if you wish to succeed in conversation. +Under the influence of their recommendation, you may safely give the +rein to fancy and hilarity, certain that, in a well-assorted party, you +will make at least a favorable impression, if not a brilliant one. I do +not of course mean by cheerfulness any outbreaking of loud and silly +mirth, nor what the world sometimes calls a "high flow of spirits," but +a light and airy equanimity of temper,--that spirit which never rises to +boisterousness, and never sinks to immovable dullness; that moves +gracefully from "grave to gay, from serious to serene," and by mere +manner gives proof of a feeling heart and generous mind. + +Franklin says, that you must never contradict in conversation, nor +correct facts if wrongly stated. This is going much too far; you must +never contradict in a short, direct, or positive tone; but with +politeness, you may easily, when necessary, express a difference of +opinion in a graceful and even complimentary manner. And I would almost +say, that the art of conversation consists in knowing _how_ to +contradict, and _when_ to be silent; for, as to constantly acting a +fawning and meanly deferential part in society, it is offensive to all +persons of good sense and good feeling. In regard to facts wrongly +stated, no well-bred man ever thinks of correcting them, merely to show +his wisdom in trifles; but with politeness, it is perfectly easy to +rectify an error, when the nature of the conversation demands the +explanation. + +Whenever the lady or gentleman with whom you are discussing a point, +whether of love, war, science or politics, begins to sophisticate, drop +the subject instantly. Your adversary either wants the ability to +maintain his opinion,--and then it would be uncivil to press it--or he +wants the still more useful ability to yield the point with unaffected +grace and good-humor; or what is also possible, his vanity is in some +way engaged in defending views on which he may probably have acted, so +that to demolish his opinions is perhaps to reprove his conduct, and no +well-bred man goes into society for the purpose of sermonizing. + +All local wits, all those whose jests are understood only within the +range of their own circle or coterie, are decided objectionables in +general society. It is the height of ill-breeding, in fact, to converse, +or jest, on subjects that are not perfectly understood by the party at +large; it is a species of rude mystification, as uncivil as whispering, +or as speaking in language that may not be familiar to some of the +party. But you must not make a fool of yourself, even if others show +themselves deficient in good manners; and must not, like inflated +simpletons, fancy yourself the object of every idle jest you do not +understand, or of every laugh that chance may have called forth. _Ladies +and gentlemen_ feel that they are neither laughed at nor ridiculed. + +In society, the object of conversation is of course entertainment and +improvement, and it must, therefore, be adapted to the circle in which +it is carried on, and must be neither too high nor too deep for the +party at large, so that every one may contribute his share, just at his +pleasure, and to the best of his ability. Let no two or three old +Indians, old school-fellows, or old brother campaigners, seize upon the +conversation to themselves, discuss their former adventures, and keep +the rest of a party listening silently to an animated conversation about +exploded stories, of which they know nothing and care as little. + +Lord Chesterfield advises his son "to speak often, but not to speak much +at a time; so that if he does not please, he will not at least displease +to any great extent." A good observer should easily, I think, be able to +discover whether he pleases or not. + +Rousseau tells us, that "persons who know little talk a great deal, +while those who know a great deal say very little." + +If the discourse is of a grave or serious nature, and interesting to +the party, or to any number of the party, never break in upon it with +any display of idle wit or levity; for nothing shows so great a want of +good manners; nor must you ever ridicule or doubt the existence of any +noble enthusiasm that may have called forth expressions of admiration; +for there is no want of high worth, patriotism, honor and +disinterestedness on earth. Your incredulity might therefore be unjust, +and it is at all times a proof of bad taste to ridicule what others +admire. + +If you join in the graver conversation, intended to move the deeper +feelings of the heart, do so without affectation, without overstretching +sentiments, or bringing in far-fetched ideas for the sake of producing +effect, otherwise you will be sure to fail. Avoid, above all, when on +such topics, any stringing together of unmeaning words; for bad as the +practice of substituting sound for sense is at all times, it is doubly +so when conversation takes the direction of which we are speaking, as it +then shows the _jingler_ to want feelings as well as ideas. Speak from +the heart, when you speak _to_ the heart; only making judgment prune the +expressions of deep feeling, without checking the noble sentiments that +may have called them forth. + +The reason which renders this pruning system advisable is, that society +swarms with worthy, respectable persons, possessing an ordinary share of +superficial good-nature, but so destitute of actual feeling, as not even +to understand its language; and who, without being scoffers, will be +inclined to laugh at expressions that convey no ideas to their minds. + +The same reason should serve as a warning to all gentlemen against +writing love-letters; for if a gentle swain is really and truly in love, +he will write under excited feelings; and a letter written with a +palpitating heart, threatening to break a rib at every throb, can hardly +fail to appear a little ridiculous in the eyes of all who may not chance +to be exactly in the same frame of mind, or possessed of the same degree +of feeling with the writer. + +There is a giggling and laughing tone, in which ladies and gentlemen +sometimes endeavor to speak,--an attempt to continue a series of jests +from the first to last, which is not only foolish, but actually +offensive. Conversation can never be kept up to the laughing point +during a whole evening,--not even during a morning visit; and efforts to +excite laughter by overstrained jests are as repulsive as overstrained +efforts to groan and grimace it. The natural flow of discourse must be +calm and serene; if wit, whim, fun and fire are present, they will not +fail to flash brightly along its surface; but they can never constitute +the main body of the stream itself. + +Different parties, different tones no doubt, and an assembly of grave +doctors and professors, meeting to discuss some learned subject, may +treat it in their own way; here we can only speak of general society. It +is said, that the guests at a pleasant dinner party should never exceed +the number of the Muses, nor fall below that of the Graces. And this may +be true; but a party of three or four is already very different in +character,--independent of the difference occasioned by the characters +of the guests,--from what a party of eight or nine will be. In small +parties of this kind, numbers alone exercise great influence. But large +or small, always recollect that you can have no right to complain of the +dullness of the conversation, unless you have contributed your best +efforts to render it cheerful. + +Nor is it always right to condemn a person for being silent in company, +as this often results from the nature of the party, which may be +ill-assorted, though composed of deserving people. No one can maintain a +conversation by himself; the very best speaker must still be aided by +others, who must lend assistance in the _proper spirit_, _befitting_ the +nature of the discourse; for a rude and forward person, wishing to +shine, can easily crush the efforts of the most perfect gentleman, and +give an unfavorable tone and turn to a pleasant conversation. + +In ordinary conversation, the modulation and proper management of the +voice is a point to which I would particularly call the attention of +young ladies; for a fine and melodious voice, "sweet as music on the +waters," makes the heart-strings vibrate to their very core. This can +only be done by a certain degree of confidence, and by a total absence +of affectation; for uncertainty, agitation and striving for effect are +always ruinous to the voice of the speaker, which is constantly running +against breakers, or getting upon flats. I am certain that temper and +disposition are far more generally, and more perfectly marked by the +voice and manner of speaking, than we are at all willing to allow. + +The thin, small voice is the most difficult to manage, as it is liable +to degenerate into shrillness; and ladies who have this kind of voice +must keep strict guard over their temper, when within hearing of any one +on whom they may wish to make a favorable impression; for the very idea +of a shrill-voiced scold makes us place our hands to our ears. But with +a sweet temper, a pretty, little, harmonious voice is pleasing enough. +Always recollect, however, that affectation, constraint, or striving for +effect, is the certain ruin of the prettiest voice in the world. + +The very deep-toned voice, though extremely effective when well +controlled, has great difficulties; for unless backed by kind, cheerful +and airy feeling, by "that bright spirit which is always gladness," it +is liable to fall into a coarse, rude and vulgar tone, and should never +be heard except at times of brilliant sunshine. The owners of such +voices should never think of getting angry, nor even indulge in saying +what they may fancy sharp or severe things, as the chances are that +they will prove only rude ones. + +Stories, however good--and they are often to be recommended--suffer +under one of the disadvantages to which anecdotes are liable,--they do +not bear repetition; and no one can be expected to possess a stock that +shall furnish new and acceptable wares on every occasion. They form in +conversation the resource of those who want imagination, and must be +received with indulgence; but to deserve this favor, they must be short, +well told, well pointed, and judiciously adapted to the feelings and +composition of the party. We have all of us at times known a good story +or anecdote introduced under such inappropriate circumstances, as to +make a whole party look grave and feel uncomfortable. + +The honor of demolishing the weavers of long tales shall be left to +Cowper. + + "But sedentary weavers of long tales + Give me the fidgets, and my patience fails. + 'Tis the most asinine employ on earth, + To hear them tell of parentage and birth; + And echo conversations dull and dry, + Embellished with _he said_ and _so said I_. + At every interview their route the same, + The repetition makes attention lame; + We bristle up with unsuccessful speed, + And in the saddest part, cry--_Droll, indeed_." + +Let the reader only get these verses by heart, and repeat a line +occasionally to show that he recollects them, and we shall soon find +society relieved from these spinners of dull yarns. + +Some gentlemen have a talent for placing things in a grotesque, +exaggerated and ludicrous light; and of extemporizing burlesque +anecdotes in a whimsical and amusing manner. It is a happy gift, of +which excellent use can be made in society; but tact and taste must, as +usual, keep a firm rein, for nothing that is seriously treated by others +must ever be burlesqued and turned into ridicule. The grotesque style is +only applicable when the ground is fairly open, or when jesting, +bantering and exaggeration are the order of the minute; and then it may +be rendered charming. + +Let no one suppose that mimicry is to be sanctioned under this head; +far from it, indeed. A little graceful imitation of actors and public +speakers may be allowed. National manners, and the peculiarities of +entire classes, are fair game. French dandies, Yankee bargainers, and +English exquisites, may be ridiculed at pleasure; you may even bring +forward Irish porters, cab-drivers and bog-trotters,--_provided_ you can +imitate their wit and humor; but I do not think I ever saw any mimicry +of private individuals well received by well-bred persons. Nor is this +to be wondered at, since mimicry borders so closely on buffoonery, as +generally to end in absolute vulgarity. Ladies, however, may be +permitted to mimic their friends a little, provided they rarely indulge +in the practice, and never transgress the bounds of good taste and +elegance. + +We meet occasionally in society with persons belonging to a class, not +numerous indeed, but deserving notice, as they are mostly ladies, and +often worth reclaiming; for want of a better term I shall call them +_Icicles_, because they only shine and cannot warm. The _Icicles_ may be +kind, clever, of cultivated mind, and in every respect well disposed to +become agreeable,--but cannot speak or converse on any one subject. They +are constantly witty and ingenious, place every proposition or general +question asked, in some amusing, novel or extravagant light, but never +answer or speak up to the point; so that you may converse with them for +hours, and be acquainted with them for years, without knowing their +opinion upon any one subject; without knowing even whether they have an +opinion on any one subject. Nor does this always result from +affectation, or from efforts to shine; it springs as often from a faulty +tone, and the fear of not being sufficiently clever, when attempting to +be rational, as from any other source. I have seen persons lose a great +deal by this absurd system, and fall far short of what they might have +been had they merely followed the beaten track; and as a maxim would +have you recollect, that few good things are ever said by those who are +constantly striving to say extraordinary ones. + + + + +GENERAL RULES FOR CONVERSATION. + + +As order or method are of very little consequence in treating of this +subject, I will conclude by giving a series of rules upon the art of +conversation, couched in a few words, from which the reader may furnish +himself with a competent knowledge of what is to be studied, and what to +be avoided. There are few of the following sentences that will not +furnish a good deal of thought, or that are to be understood to their +full extent without some consideration. + +Whatever passes in parties at your own or another's house is never +repeated by well-bred people. Things of no moment, and which are meant +only as harmless jokes, are liable to produce unpleasant consequences if +repeated. To repeat, therefore, any conversation which passes on such +occasions, is understood to be a breach of confidence, which should +banish the offender from the pale of good society. + +Men of all sorts of occupations meet in society. As they go there to +unbend their minds and escape from the fetters of business, you should +never, in an evening, speak to a man about his profession. Do not talk +of politics to a journalist, of fevers to a physician, of stocks to a +broker,--nor, unless you wish to enrage him to the utmost, of education +to a collegian. The error which is here condemned is often committed +from mere good nature and a desire to be affable. But it betrays to a +gentleman, ignorance of the world,--to a philosopher, ignorance of human +nature. + +A gentleman will, by all means, avoid showing his learning and +accomplishments in the presence of ignorant and vulgar people, who can, +by no possibility, understand or appreciate them. It is a pretty sure +sign of bad breeding to set people to staring and feeling uncomfortable. + +In England, it is regarded a breach of etiquette to repeat the name of +any person with whom you are conversing. But the same rule does not hold +in America. Here it is deemed no breach, if you are conversing with a +lady by the name of Sherwood, to say, "Well, _Mrs. Sherwood_, do you not +think," etc. + +In a mixed company, never speak to your friend of a matter which the +rest do not understand, unless it is something which you can explain to +them, and which may be made interesting to the whole party. + +If you wish to inquire about anything, do not do it by asking a +question; but introduce the subject, and give the person an opportunity +of saying as much as he finds it agreeable to impart. Do not even say, +"How is your brother to-day?" but "I hope your brother is quite well." + +Never ask a lady a question about anything whatever. + +By all means, avoid the use of slang terms and phrases in polite +company. No greater insult can be offered to polite society than to +repeat the slang dictums of bar-rooms and other low places. If you are +willing to have it known that you are familiar with such company +yourself, you have no right to treat a party of ladies and gentlemen as +though they were, too. + +Avoid the habit of employing French words in English conversation; it is +extremely bad taste to be always using such expressions as _ci-devant_, +_soi-disant_, _en masse_, _couleur de rose_, etc. Do not salute your +acquaintances with _bon jour_, nor reply to every proposition, +_volontiers_. In society, avoid having those peculiar preferences for +some subjects which are vulgarly denominated "_hobby-horses_." They make +your company a _bore_ to all your friends; and some kind-hearted +creature will take advantage of them and _trot_ you, for the amusement +of the company. Every attempt to obtrude on a company subjects either to +which they are indifferent, or of which they are ignorant, is in bad +taste. + + "Man should be taught as though you taught him not, + And things unknown proposed as things forgot." + +A man is quite sure to show his good or bad breeding the instant he +opens his mouth to talk in company. If he is _a gentleman_ he starts no +subject of conversation that can possibly be displeasing to any person +present. The ground is common to all, and no one has a right to +monopolize any part of it for his own particular opinions, in politics +or religion. No one is there to make proselytes, but every one has been +invited, to be _agreeable_ and _to please_. + +He who knows the world, will not be too bashful. He who knows himself, +will not be impudent. + +Do not endeavor to shine in all companies. Leave room for your hearers +to imagine something within you beyond all you have said. And remember, +the more you are praised, the more you will be envied. + +There is no surer sign of vulgarity than the perpetual boasting of the +fine things you have at home. If you speak of your silver, of your +jewels, of your costly apparel, it will be taken for a sign that you are +either lying, or that you were, not long ago, somebody's washerwoman, +and cannot forget to be reminding everybody that you are not so now. + +You need not tell all the truth, unless to those who have a right to +know it all. But let all you tell be truth. + +Insult not another for his want of a talent you possess; he may have +others, which you want. Praise your friends and let your friends praise +you. + +If you treat your inferiors with familiarity, expect the same from them. +If you give a jest, take one. Let all your jokes be truly jokes. Jesting +sometimes ends in sad earnest. + +If a favor is asked of you, grant it, if you can. If not, refuse it in +such a manner, as that one denial may be sufficient. + +If you are in company with a distinguished gentleman--as a governor, or +senator--you will not be perpetually trying to trot out his titles, as +it would make you appear like a lackey or parasite, who, conscious of no +merits of your own, are trying to lift yourself by the company of +others. In introducing such a gentleman, you will merely call him +"governor," or "senator," and afterwards avoid all allusion to his rank. + +If you would render yourself pleasing in social parties, never speak to +gratify any particular vanity or passion of your own, but always aim to +interest or amuse others by themes which you know are in accordance with +their tastes and understandings. Even a well-bred minister will avoid +introducing his professional habits and themes at such places. He knows +that the guests were not invited there to listen to a sermon, and there +may be some who differ with him in opinions, who would have good reason +to feel themselves insulted by being thus forced to listen to him. + +Reproof is a medicine like mercury or opium; if it be improperly +administered, with report either to the adviser or the advised, it will +do harm instead of good. + +Nothing is more unmannerly than to reflect on any man's profession, +sect, or natural infirmity. He who stirs up against himself another's +self-love, provokes the strongest passions in human nature. + +Be careful of your word, even in keeping the most trifling appointment. +But do not blame another for a failure of that kind, till you have heard +his excuse. + +Never offer advice, but where there is some probability of its being +followed. + +If you find yourself in a company which violently abuses an absent +friend of yours, you need not feel that you are called upon to take up +the club for him. You will do better by saying mildly that they must +have been misinformed--that you are proud to call him your friend, which +you could not do if you did not know him to be incapable of such things +as they had heard. After this, if they are gentlemen, they will +stop--indeed, if they had been gentlemen, they would hardly have +assailed an absent one in a mixed party; and if you feel constrained to +quit their company, it will be no sacrifice to your own self-respect or +honor. + +Fools pretend to foretell what will be the issue of things, and are +laughed at for their awkward conjectures. Wise men, being aware of the +uncertainty of human affairs, and having observed how small a matter +often produces a great change, are modest in their conjectures. + +He who talks too fast, outruns his hearer's thoughts. He who speaks too +slow, gives his hearer pain by hindering his thoughts, as a rider who +frets his horse by reining him in too much. + +Never think to entertain people with what lies out of their way, be it +ever so curious in its kind. Who would think of regaling a circle of +ladies with the beauties of Homer's Greek, or a mixed company with Sir +Isaac Newton's discoveries? + +Do well, but do not boast of it. For that will lessen the commendation +you might otherwise have deserved. + +Never ask a question under any circumstances. In the first place, it is +too proud; in the second place, it may be very inconvenient or very +awkward to give a reply. A lady inquired of what branch of medical +practice a certain gentleman was professor. He held the chair of +_midwifery_! + +To offer advice to an angry man, is like blowing against a tempest. + +Too much preciseness and solemnity in pronouncing what one says in +common conversation, as if one was preaching, is generally taken for an +indication of self-conceit and arrogance. + +Make your company a rarity, and people will value it. Men despise what +they can easily have. + +Value truth, however you come by it. Who would not pick up a jewel that +lay on a dung-hill? + +The beauty of behavior consists in the manner, not the matter of your +discourse. + +It is not in good taste for a lady to say "Yes, sir," and "No, sir," to +a gentleman, or frequently to introduce the word "Sir," at the end of +her sentence, unless she desire to be exceedingly reserved toward the +person with whom she is conversing. + +If your superior treats you with familiarity, it will not therefore +become you to treat him in the same manner. + +A good way to avoid impertinent and pumping inquiries, is by answering +with another question. An evasion may also serve the purpose. But a lie +is inexcusable on any occasion, especially when used to conceal the +truth from one who has no authority to demand it. + +To reprove with success, the following circumstances are necessary, +viz.: mildness, secrecy, intimacy, and the esteem of the person you +would reprove. + +If you be nettled with severe raillery, take care never to show that you +are stung, unless you choose to provoke more. The way to avoid being +made a butt, is not to set up for an archer. + +To set up for a critic is bullying mankind. + +Reflect upon the different appearances things make to you from what they +did some years ago, and don't imagine that your opinion will never +alter, because you are extremely positive at present. Let the +remembrance of your past changes of sentiment make you more flexible. + +If ever you were in a passion, did you not find reason afterwards to be +sorry for it, and will you again allow your self to be guilty of a +weakness, which will certainly be in the same manner followed by +repentance, besides being attended with pain? + +Never argue with any but men of sense and temper. + +It is ill-manners to trouble people with talking too much either of +yourself, or your affairs. If you are full of yourself, consider that +you, and your affairs, are not so interesting to other people as to you. + +Keep silence sometimes, upon subjects which you are known to be a judge +of. So your silence, where you are ignorant, will not discover you. + +To use phrases which admit of a double meaning is ungentlemanly, and, if +addressed to a lady, they become positively insulting. + +There is a vulgar custom, too prevalent, of calling almost everybody +"colonel" in this country, of which it is sufficient to say, that this +false use of titles prevails most among the lower ranks of society--a +fact which sufficiently stamps upon it its real character, and renders +it, to say the least, a doubtful compliment to him who has no right to +the title. + +Think like the wise; but talk like ordinary people. Never go out of the +common road, but for somewhat. + +Don't dispute against facts well established, merely because there is +somewhat unaccountable in them. That the world should be created of +nothing is to us inconceivable but not therefore to be doubted. + +As you are going to a party of mirth, think of the hazard you run of +misbehaving. While you are engaged, do not wholly forget yourself. And +after all is over, reflect how you have behaved. If well, be thankful; +it is more than you could have promised. If otherwise, be more careful +for the future. + +It will never do to be ignorant of the names and approximate ages of +great composers, especially in large cities, where music is so highly +appreciated and so common a theme. It will be decidedly condemnatory if +you talk of the _new_ opera "Don Giovanni," or Rossini's "Trovatore," +or are ignorant who composed "Fidelio," and in what opera occur such +common pieces as "_Ciascun lo dice_," or "_Il Segreto_." I do not say +that these trifles are indispensable, and when a man has better +knowledge to offer, especially with genius or "cleverness" to back it, +he will not only be pardoned for an ignorance of them, but can even take +a high tone, and profess indifference or contempt of them. But, at the +same time, such ignorance stamps an ordinary man, and hinders +conversation. + +Don't talk of "the opera" in the presence of those who are not +frequenters of it. They will imagine that you are showing off, or that +you are _lying_, and that you have never been to the opera twice in your +life. For the same reason, avoid too frequently speaking of your +acquaintance with celebrated men, unless you are a public man yourself, +who would be supposed to have such acquaintance. + +Do not sit dumb in company. That looks either like pride, cunning, or +stupidity. Give your opinion modestly, but freely; hear that of others +with candor; and ever endeavor to find out, and to communicate truth. + +In mixed company, be readier to hear than to speak, and put people upon +talking of what is in their own way. For then you will both oblige them, +and be most likely to improve by their conversation. + +Humanity will direct to be particularly cautious of treating with the +least appearance of neglect those who have lately met with misfortunes, +and are sunk in life. Such persons are apt to think themselves slighted, +when no such thing is intended. Their minds being already sore, feel the +least rub very severely. And who would be so cruel as to add affliction +to the afflicted? + +To smother the generosity of those who have obliged you, is imprudent, +as well as ungrateful. The mention of kindnesses received may excite +those who hear it to deserve your good word, by imitating the example +which they see does others so much honor. + +Learning is like bank-notes. Prudence and good behavior are like silver, +useful upon all occasions. + +If you have been once in company with an idle person, it is enough. You +need never go again. You have heard all he knows. And he has had no +opportunity of learning anything new. For idle people make no +improvements. + +Deep learning will make you acceptable to the learned; but it is only an +easy and obliging behavior, and entertaining conversation, that will +make you agreeable in all companies. + +Men repent speaking ten times for once that they repent keeping silence. + +It is an advantage to have concealed one's opinion. For by that means +you may change your judgment of things (which every wise man finds +reason to do) and not be accused of fickleness. + +There is hardly any bodily blemish, which a winning behavior will not +conceal, or make tolerable; and there is no external grace, which +ill-nature or affectation will not deform. + +If you mean to make your side of the argument appear plausible, do not +prejudice people against what you think truth by your passionate manner +of defending it. + +There is an affected humility more insufferable than downright pride, as +hypocrisy is more abominable than libertinism. Take care that your +virtues be genuine and unsophisticated. + +Never ask any one who is conversing with you to repeat his words. +Nothing is ruder than to say, "Pardon me, will you repeat that sentence? +I did not hear you at first," and thus imply that your attention was +wandering when he first spoke. + +When we speak of ourselves and another person, whether he is absent or +present, propriety requires us to mention ourselves last. Thus we should +say, _he and I_, _you and I_. + +If a man is telling that which is as old as the hills, or which you +believe to be false, the better way is to let him go on. Why should you +refuse a man the pleasure of believing that he is telling you something +which you never heard before? Besides, by refusing to believe him, or by +telling him that his story is old, you not only mortify him, but the +whole company is made uneasy, and, by sympathy, share his mortification. + +Never notice it if others make mistakes in language. To notice by word +or look such errors in those around you, is excessively ill-bred. + +Avoid raillery and sarcasm in social parties. They are weapons which few +can use; and because you happen to have a razor in your possession, that +is no reason why you should be allowed to cut the throats of the rest +who are unarmed. Malicious jests at the expense of those who are present +or absent, show that he who uses them is devoid both of the instincts +and habits of a _gentleman_. Where two individuals or the whole company +agree to banter each other with good-natured sallies of wit, it is very +pleasant, but the least taint of ill-nature spoils all. + +If upon the entrance of a visitor you continue a conversation begun +before, you should always explain the subject to the new-comer. + +If there is any one in the company whom you do not know, be careful how +you let off any epigrams or pleasant little sarcasms. You might be very +witty upon halters to a man whose father had been hanged. The first +requisite for successful conversation is to know your company well. + +Carefully avoid subjects which may be construed into personalities, and +keep a strict reserve upon family matters. Avoid, if you can, seeing the +skeleton in your friend's closet, but if it is paraded for your special +benefit, regard it as a sacred confidence, and never betray your +knowledge to a third party. + +Listen attentively and patiently to what is said. It is a great and +difficult talent to be a good listener, but it is one which the +well-bred man has to acquire, at whatever pains. Do not anticipate the +point of a story which another person is reciting, or take it from his +lips to finish it in your own language. To do this is a great breach of +etiquette. + +Dr. Johnson, whose reputation as a _talker_ was hardly less than that +which he acquired as a writer, prided himself on the appositeness of his +quotations, the choice of his words, and the correctness of his +expressions. Had he lived in this "age of progress," he would have +discovered that his lexicon was not only incomplete, but required +numerous emendations. We can fancy the irritable moralist endeavoring to +comprehend the idea which a young lady wishes to convey when she +expresses the opinion that a bonnet is "_awful_," or that of a young +gentleman, when he asserts that his coat is "_played out_!" + +Avoid the use of proverbs in conversation, and all sorts of cant +phrases. This error is, I believe, censured by Lord Chesterfield, and is +one of the most offensively vulgar which a person can commit. + +It is bad manners to satirize lawyers in the presence of lawyers, or +doctors in the presence of one of that calling, and so of all the +professions. Nor should you rail against bribery and corruption in the +presence of politicians, (especially of a New York politician,) or +members of Congress, as they will have good reason to suppose that you +are hinting at them. It is the aim of politeness to leave the arena of +social intercourse untainted with any severity of language, or +bitterness of feeling. There are places and occasions where wrong must +be exposed and reproved, but it is an unpardonable piece of rudeness to +attempt such things at your own or another's social party, where +everything is carefully to be avoided that can in the least disturb the +happiness of any one. For this reason all kinds of controversies are, as +a general rule, to be avoided at such times. + +Any conversation (that is not interdicted by decency and propriety) +which can be pleasing to the whole company, is desirable. Amusement, +more than instruction even, is to be sought for in social parties. +People are not supposed to come together on such occasions because they +are ignorant and need teaching, but to seek amusement and relaxation +from professional and daily cares. All the English books on etiquette +tell you that "punning is scrupulously to be avoided as a species of +ale-house wit," and a savage remark of Dr. Johnson is usually quoted on +the subject. But punning is no more to be avoided than any other kind of +wit; and if all wit is to be banished from the social circle, it will be +left a stupid affair indeed. All kinds of wit, puns by no means +excepted, give a delightful relish to social parties when they spring +up naturally and spontaneously out of the themes of conversation. But +for a man to be constantly straining himself to make jokes is to make +himself ridiculous, and to annoy the whole company, and is, therefore, +what no gentleman will be guilty of. + +Talk as little of yourself as possible, or of any science or business in +which you have acquired fame. There is a banker in New York who is +always certain to occupy the time of every party he gets into, by +talking of his _per cents_, and boasting that he _began life without a +cent_--which every one readily believes; and if he were to add that he +_began life in a pig-pen_, they would believe that too. + +If you put on a proud carriage, people will want to know what there is +in you to be proud of. And it is ten to one whether they value your +accomplishments at the same rate as you. And the higher you aspire, they +will be the more desirous to mortify you. + +Nothing is more nauseous than apparent self-sufficiency. For it shows +the company two things, which are extremely disagreeable: that you have +a high opinion of yourself, and that you have comparatively a mean +opinion of them. + +It is the concussion of passions that produces a storm. Let an angry man +alone, and he will cool off himself. + +It is but seldom that very remarkable occurrences fall out in life. The +evenness of your temper will be in most danger of being troubled by +trifles which take you by surprise. + +It is as obliging in company, especially of superiors, to listen +attentively, as to talk entertainingly. + +Don't think of knocking out another person's brains, because he differs +in opinion from you. It will be as rational to knock yourself on the +head, because you differ from yourself ten years ago. + +If you want to gain any man's good opinion, take particular care how you +behave, the first time you are in company with him. The light you appear +in at first, to one who is neither inclined to think well or ill of you, +will strongly prejudice him either for or against you. + +Good humor is the only shield to keep off the darts of the satirical +railer. If you have a quiver well stored, and are sure of hitting him +between the joints of the harness, do not spare him. But you had better +not bend your bow than miss your aim. + +The modest man is seldom the object of envy. + +In the company of ladies, do not labor to establish learned points by +long-winded arguments. They do not care to take too much pains to find +out truth. + +You will forbear to interrupt a person who is telling a story, even +though he is making historical mistakes in dates and facts. If he makes +mistakes it is his own fault, and it is not your business to mortify him +by attempting to correct his blunders in presence of those with whom he +is ambitious to stand well. + +In a dispute, if you cannot reconcile the parties, withdraw from them. +You will surely make one enemy, perhaps two, by taking either side in an +argument when the speakers have lost their temper. + +Do not _dispute_ in a party of ladies and gentlemen. If a gentleman +advances an opinion which is different from ideas you are known to +entertain, either appear not to have heard it, or differ with him as +gently as possible. You will not say, "Sir, you are mistaken!" "Sir, you +are wrong!" or that you "happen to know better;" but you will rather +use some such phrase as, "Pardon me--if I am not mistaken," etc. This +will give him a chance to say some such civil thing as that he regrets +to disagree with you; and if he has not the good manners to do it, you +have, at any rate, established your own manners as those of a gentleman +in the eyes of the company. And when you have done that, you need not +trouble yourself about any opinions he may advance contrary to your own. + +If you talk sentences, do not at the same time give yourself a +magisterial air in doing it. An easy conversation is the only agreeable +one, especially in mixed company. + +Be sure of the fact, before you lose time in searching for a cause. + +If you have a friend that will reprove your faults and foibles, consider +you enjoy a blessing, which the king upon the throne cannot have. + +In disputes upon moral or scientific points, ever let your aim be to +come at truth, not to conquer your opponent. So you never shall be at a +loss in losing the argument, and gaining a new discovery. + +What may be very entertaining in company with ignorant people, may be +tiresome to those who know more of the matter than yourself. + +There is a sort of accidental and altogether equivocal type of city +women, who never get into the country, but they employ their time in +trying to astonish the country people with narrations of the fine things +they left behind them in the city. If they have a dirty little closet, +with ten valueless books in it, they will call it their _library_. If +they have some small room, that is used as kitchen, parlor, and +dining-room, they will magnify it into a _drawing-room_. And a hundred +other _little_ signs of their _great_ vulgarity they will constantly +insist on exhibiting to their country auditors. + +Put yourself on the same level as the person to whom you speak, and +under penalty of being considered a pedantic idiot, refrain from +explaining any expression or word that you may use. + +If you are really a wit, remember that in conversation its true office +consists more in finding it in others, than showing off a great deal of +it yourself. He who goes out of your company pleased with himself is +sure to be pleased with you. Even as great a man as Dr. Johnson once +retired from a party where everybody had spent the evening in listening +to him, and remarked, as he went out, "We have had a pleasant evening, +and much excellent conversation." + +If you happen to fall into company where the talk runs into party, +obscenity, scandal, folly, or vice of any kind, you had better pass for +morose or unsocial, among people whose good opinion is not worth having, +than shock your own conscience by joining in conversation which you must +disapprove of. + +If you would have a right account of things from illiterate people, let +them tell their story in their own way. If you put them upon talking +according to logical rules, you will quite confound them. + +I was much pleased with the saying of a gentleman, who was engaged in a +friendly argument with another upon a point in morals. "You and I [says +he to his antagonist] seem, as far as I hitherto understand, to differ +considerably in our opinions. Let us, if you please, try wherein we can +agree." The scheme in most disputes is to try who shall conquer, or +confound the other. It is therefore no wonder that so little light is +struck out in conversation, where a candid inquiry after truth is the +least thing thought of. + +By all means, shun the vulgar habit of joking at the expense of women. +All such tricks as refusing a lady a piece of tongue, because "_women +already have tongue enough_," are as vulgar as they are old and stale. +The man who does not respect woman, exposes himself to the suspicion of +associating generally with the fallen portion of the sex. And besides, +he has no right to make a respectable parlor or drawing-room the theater +of such vulgar jokes and railing against the sex as go down in low +society. + +If a man complains to you of his wife, a woman of her husband, a parent +of a child, or a child of a parent, be very cautious how you meddle +between such near relations, to blame the behavior of one to the other. +You will only have the hatred of both parties, and do no good with +either. But this does not hinder your giving both parties, or either, +your best advice in a prudent manner. + +Be prudently secret. But don't affect to make a secret of what all the +world may know, nor give yourself airs of being as close as a +conspirator. You will better disappoint idle curiosity by seeming to +have nothing to conceal. + +Never blame a friend without joining some commendation to make reproof +go down. + +It is by giving free rein to folly, in conversation and action, that +people expose themselves to contempt and ridicule. The modest man may +deprive himself of some part of the applause of some sort of people in +conversation, by not shining altogether so much as he might have done. +Or he may deprive himself of some lesser advantages in life by his +reluctancy in putting himself forward. But it is only the rash and +impetuous talker, or actor, that effectually exposes himself in +company, or ruins himself in life. It is therefore easy to determine +which is the safest side to err on. + +It is a base temper in mankind, that they will not take the smallest +slight at the hand of those who have done them the greatest kindness. + +If you fall into the greatest company, in a natural and unforced way, +look upon yourself as one of them; and do not sneak, nor suffer any one +to treat you unworthily, without just showing that you know behavior. +But if you see them disposed to be rude, overbearing, or purse-proud, it +will be more decent and less troublesome to retire, than to wrangle with +them. + +There cannot be any practice more offensive than that of taking a person +aside to whisper in a room with company; yet this rudeness is of +frequent occurrence--and that with those who know it to be improper. + +If at any time you chance, in conversation, to get on a side of an +argument which you find not to be tenable, or any other way over-shoot +yourself, turn off the subject in as easy and good humored a way as you +can. If you proceed still, and endeavor, right or wrong, to make your +first point good, you will only entangle yourself the more, and in the +end expose yourself. + +Never over-praise any absent person, especially ladies, in company of +ladies. It is the way to bring envy and hatred upon those whom you wish +well to. + +To try whether your conversation is likely to be acceptable to people of +sense, imagine what you say written down, or printed, and consider how +it would read; whether it would appear natural, improving and +entertaining; or affected, unmeaning, or mischievous. + +It is better, in conversation with positive men, to turn off the subject +in dispute with some merry conceit, than keep up the contention to the +disturbance of the company. + +Don't give your advice upon any extraordinary emergency, nor your +opinion upon any difficult point, especially in company of eminent +persons, without first taking time to deliberate. If you say nothing, it +may not be known whether your silence was owing to the ignorance of the +subject, or to modesty. If you give a rash and crude opinion, you are +effectually and irrecoverably exposed. + +If you fill your fancy, while you are in company, with suspicions of +their thinking meanly of you; if you puff yourself up with imaginations +of appearing to them a very witty, or profound person; if you discompose +yourself with fears of misbehaving before them, or in any way put +yourself out of yourself, you will not appear in your natural color, but +in that of an affected, personated character, which is always +disagreeable. + +It may be useful to study, at leisure, a variety of proper phrases for +such occasions as are most frequent in life, as civilities to superiors, +expressions of kindness to inferiors; congratulations, condolence, +expressions of gratitude, acknowledgment of faults, asking or denying of +favors, etc. I prescribe no particular phrases, because, our language +continually fluctuating, they must soon become stiff and unfashionable. +The best method of acquiring the accomplishment of graceful and easy +manner of expression for the common occasions of life, is attention and +imitation of well-bred people. Nothing makes a man appear more +contemptible than barrenness, pedantry, or impropriety of expression. + +Avoid flattery. A delicate compliment is permissible in conversation, +but flattery is broad, coarse, and to sensible people, disgusting. If +you flatter your superiors, they will distrust you, thinking you have +some selfish end; if you flatter ladies, they will despise you, thinking +you have no other conversation. + +If you meet an ill-bred fellow in company, whose voice and manners are +offensive to you, you cannot resent it at the time, because by so doing +you compel the whole company to be spectators of your quarrel, and the +pleasure of the party would be spoiled. + +If you must speak upon a difficult point, be the last speaker if you +can. + +You will not be agreeable to company, if you strive to bring in or keep +up a subject unsuitable to their capacities, or humor. + +You will never convince a man of ordinary sense by overbearing his +understanding. If you dispute with him in such a manner as to show a due +deference for his judgment, your complaisance may win him, though your +saucy arguments could not. + +Avoid appearing dogmatical and too positive in any assertions you make, +which can possibly be subject to any contradiction. He that is +peremptory in his own story, may meet with another as positive as +himself to contradict him, and then the two Sir Positives will be sure +to have a skirmish. + +The frequent use of the name of God, or the Devil; allusions to passages +of Scripture; mocking at anything serious and devout, oaths, vulgar +by-words, cant phrases, affected hard words, when familiar terms will do +as well; scraps of _Latin_, _Greek_ or _French_; quotations from plays +spoke in a theatrical manner--all these, much used in conversation, +render a person very contemptible to grave and wise men. + +If you send people away from your company well-pleased with themselves, +you need not fear but they will be well enough pleased with you, whether +they have received any instruction from you or not. Most people had +rather be pleased than instructed. + +If you can express yourself to be perfectly understood in ten words, +never use a dozen. Go not about to prove, by a long series of reasoning, +what all the world is ready to own. + +If any one takes the trouble of finding fault with you, you ought in +reason to suppose he has some regard for you, else he would not run the +hazard of disobliging you, and drawing upon himself your hatred. + +Do not ruffle or provoke any man; why should any one be the worse for +coming into company with you? Be not yourself provoked. Why should you +give any man the advantage over you? + +To say that one has opinions very different from those commonly +received, is saying that he either loves singularity, or that he thinks +for himself. Which of the two is the case, can only be found by +examining the grounds of his opinions. + +Don't appear to the public too sure, or too eager upon any project. If +it should miscarry, which it is a chance but it does, you will be +laughed at. The surest way to prevent which, is not to tell your designs +or prospects in life. + +If you give yourself a loose tongue in company, you may almost depend on +being pulled to pieces as soon as your back is turned, however they may +seem entertained with your conversation. + +For common conversation, men of ordinary abilities will upon occasion do +well enough. And you may always pick something out of any man's +discourse, by which you may profit. For an intimate friend to improve +by, you must search half a country over, and be glad if you can find him +at last. + +Don't give your time to every superficial acquaintance: it is bestowing +what is to you of inestimable worth, upon one who is not likely to be +the better for it. + +If a person has behaved to you in an unaccountable manner, don't at once +conclude him a bad man, unless you find his character given up by all +who know him, nor then, unless the facts alleged against him be +undoubtedly proved, and wholly inexcusable. But this is not advising you +to trust a person whose character you have any reason to suspect. +Nothing can be more absurd than the common way of fixing people's +characters. Such a one has disobliged me, therefore he is a villain. +Such another has done me a kindness, therefore he is a saint. + +Superficial people are more agreeable the first time you are in their +company, than ever afterwards. Men of judgment improve every succeeding +conversation; beware therefore of judging by one interview. + +You will not anger a man so much by showing him that you hate him, as by +expressing a contempt of him. + +Most women had rather have any of their good qualities slighted, than +their beauty. Yet that is the most inconsiderable accomplishment of a +woman of real merit. + +You will be always reckoned by the world nearly of the same character +with those whose company you keep. + +You will please so much the less, if you go into company determined to +shine. Let your conversation appear to rise out of thoughts suggested by +the occasion, not strained or premeditated: nature always pleases: +affectation is always odious. + + + + +ON DRESS. + + +It is hardly necessary to remind the reader that dress, though often +considered a trifling matter, is one of considerable importance, for a +man's personal appearance is a sort of "index and obscure prologue" to +his character. + +Lord Chesterfield has said, "I cannot help forming some opinion of a +man's sense and character from his dress." Besides, the appearance of a +well-dressed man commands a certain degree of respect which would never +be shown to a sloven. As Shakspeare has written, "The world is still +deceived by ornament;" and there are those who associate fine clothes +with fine people so strongly, that they do not trouble themselves to +ascertain whether the wearers are worthy of respect, as others form +their opinions of books by the gilding of the leaves and beauty of the +binding. + +The dress of a gentleman should be such as not to excite any special +observation, unless it be for neatness and propriety. The utmost care +should be exercised to avoid even the appearance of desiring to attract +attention by the peculiar formation of any article of attire, or by the +display of an immoderate quantity of jewelry, both being a positive +evidence of vulgarity. His dress should be studiously neat, leaving no +other impression than that of a well-dressed gentleman. + +Well-bred people do not often dress in what is called the "height of the +fashion," as that is generally left to dandies and pretenders. But +still it is undoubtedly a great point gained to be well dressed. To be +fancifully dressed, in gaudy colors, is to be very badly dressed, +however, and is an example of ill taste which is rarely met with among +people of substantial good breeding. + +Cleanliness and neatness are the invariable accompaniments of good +breeding. Every gentleman may not be dressed expensively, he may not be +able to do so; but water is cheap, and no gentleman will ever go into +company unmindful of cleanliness either in his person or apparel. + +A well-dressed man does not require so much an extensive as a varied +wardrobe. He wants a different costume for every season and every +occasion; but if what he selects is simple rather than striking, he may +appear in the same clothes as often as he likes, as long as they are +fresh and appropriate to the season and the object. There are four kinds +of coats which he must have: a business coat, a frock-coat, a +dress-coat, and an over-coat. A well dressed man may do well with four +of the first, and one of each of the others per annum. An economical man +can get along with less. + +Did any lady ever see a gentleman with an embroidered waistcoat, and a +profusion of chains, rings, and trinkets adorning his person? + +Avoid affecting singularity in dress. Expensive dressing is no sign of a +gentleman. If a gentleman is able to dress expensively it is very well +for him to do so, but if _he is not able_ to wear ten-dollar broadcloth, +he may comfort himself with the reflection that cloth which costs but +five dollars a yard will look quite as well when made into a +well-fitting coat. With this suit, and well-made shoes, clean gloves, a +white pocket-handkerchief, and an easy and graceful deportment withal, +he may pass muster as a gentleman. Manners do quite as much to set off +a suit of clothes as clothes do to set off a graceful person. + +A dress perfectly suited to a tall, good-looking man, may render one who +is neither, ridiculous; as although the former may wear a remarkable +waistcoat or singular coat, _almost_ with impunity, the latter, by +adopting a similar costume, exposes himself to the laughter of all who +see him. An unassuming simplicity in dress should always be preferred, +as it prepossesses every one in favor of the wearer. + +Avoid what is called the "ruffianly style of dress," or the _nonchalant_ +and _slouching_ appearance of a half-unbuttoned vest, and suspenderless +pantaloons. That sort of affectation is if possible even more disgusting +than the painfully elaborate frippery of the dandy. + +Gentlemen never make any display of jewelry; that is given up entirely +to the dominion of female taste. But ladies of good taste seldom wear it +in the morning. It is reserved for evening display and for brilliant +parties. + +The native independence of American character regards with disdain many +of the stringent social laws which are recognized in England and on the +continent. Thus, the dress which many of our countryman adopt for the +assembly-room and private parties would subject them to serious +annoyance abroad. A frock-coat would not be tolerated a moment in any +fashionable society in Europe, and whether it be esteemed a prejudice or +otherwise, we are free to confess that in our opinion it is a violation +of good taste, and unsuited either to a ball-room or private assembly. + +We should, however, be far from denying the claim of gentleman to any +person, simply because he wore a frock-coat; for the fickle goddess, +Fashion, tolerates it to a certain extent in America; but if the +universal custom among the refined and polished members of society were +to exclude it, as in Europe, its use would manifest a contempt for the +opinion of others, of which no gentleman could be guilty. + +If the title of gentleman should depend entirely and solely on one's +conformation to the laws of etiquette, the most unprincipled profligate +or debauchee might successfully wear it; it is, however, but the finish +and polish of the jewel--not the diamond itself. + +If we were allowed to say anything to the ladies concerning dress in a +dictatorial way, and were sure of being obeyed, we should order them +generally to dress _less_. How often do we see a female attired in the +height of fashion, perfectly gorgeous in costume, sweeping along the +dusty street, perspiring under the weight of her finery--dressed, in +fact, in a manner fit only for a carriage. This is a very mistaken and +absurd fashion, and such people would be astonished to see the +simplicity of real aristocracy as regards dress. + +In our allusions to the dress of a gentleman, we have urged a studied +simplicity of apparel; the same remarks are equally applicable to that +of a lady. Indeed, _simplicity_ is the grand secret of a lady's toilet. +When she burdens herself with a profusion of _bijouterie_ she rather +detracts from than adds to her personal appearance, while all _outré_ +fashions and ultra styles of dress, though they excite attention, +neither win respect nor enhance the attraction of the wearer. + +Some ladies, perhaps imagining that they are deficient in personal +charms--and we are willing to believe that there are such, although the +Chesterfieldian school of philosophers would ridicule the idea--endeavor +to make their clothes the spell of their attraction. With this end in +view, they labor by lavish expenditure to supply in expensive adornment +what they lack in beauty of form or feature. Unfortunately for their +success, elegant dressing does not depend upon expense. A lady might +wear the costliest silks that Italy could produce, adorn herself with +laces from Brussels which years of patient toil are required to +fabricate; she might carry the jewels of an Eastern princess around her +neck and upon her wrists and fingers, yet still, in appearance, be +essentially vulgar. These were as nothing without grace, without +adaptation, without a harmonious blending of colors, without the +exercise of discrimination and good taste. + +The most appropriate and becoming dress is that which so harmonizes with +the figure as to make the apparel unobserved. When any particular +portion of it excites the attention, there is a defect, for the details +should not present themselves first but the result of perfect dressing +should be an _elegant woman_, the dress commanding no especial regard. +Men are but indifferent judges of the material of a lady's dress; in +fact, they care nothing about the matter. A modest countenance and +pleasing figure, habited in an inexpensive attire, would win more +attention from men, than awkwardness and effrontery, clad in the richest +satins of Stewart and the costliest gems of Tiffany. + +There are occasionally to be found among both sexes, persons who neglect +their dress through a ridiculous affectation of singularity, and who +take pride in being thought utterly indifferent to their personal +appearance. Millionaires are very apt to manifest this characteristic, +but with them it generally arises through a miserly penuriousness of +disposition; their imitators, however, are even more deficient than they +in common sense. + +Lavater has urged that persons habitually attentive to their attire, +display the same regularity in their domestic affairs. He also says: +"Young women who neglect their toilet and manifest little concern about +dress, indicate a general disregard of order--a mind but ill adapted to +the details of housekeeping--a deficiency of taste and of the qualities +that inspire love." + +Hence the desire of exhibiting an amiable exterior is essentially +requisite in a young lady, for it indicates cleanliness, sweetness, a +love of order and propriety, and all those virtues which are attractive +to their associates, and particularly to those of the other sex. + +Chesterfield asserts that a sympathy goes through every action of our +lives, and that he could not help conceiving some idea of people's sense +and character from the dress in which they appeared when introduced to +him. + +Another writer has remarked that he never yet met with a woman whose +general style of dress was chaste, elegant and appropriate, that he did +not find her on further acquaintance to be, in disposition and mind, an +object to admire and love. + +The fair sex have the reputation of being passionately fond of dress, +and the love of it has been said to be natural to women. We are not +disposed to deny it, but we do not regard it as a weakness nor a +peculiarity to be condemned. Dress is the appropriate finish of beauty. +Some one has said that, "Without dress a handsome person is a gem, but a +gem that is not set. But dress," he further remarks, "must be consistent +with the graces and with nature." + +"Taste," says a celebrated divine, "requires a congruity between the +internal character and the external appearance; the imagination will +involuntarily form to itself an idea of such a correspondence. First +ideas are, in general, of considerable consequence. I should therefore +think it wise in the female world to take care that their _appearance_ +should not convey a forbidding idea to the most superficial observer." + +As we have already remarked, the secret of perfect dressing is +simplicity, costliness being no essential element of real elegance. We +have to add that everything depends upon the judgment and good taste of +the wearer. These should always be a harmonious adaptation of one +article of attire to another, as also to the size, figure and complexion +of the wearer. There should be a correspondence in all parts of a lady's +toilet, so as to present a perfect entirety. Thus, when we see a female +of light, delicate complexion, penciling her eyebrows until they are +positively black, we cannot but entertain a contempt for her lack of +taste and good sense. There is a harmony in nature's tints which art can +never equal, much less improve. + +A fair face is generally accompanied by blue eyes, light hair, eyebrows +and lashes. There is a delicacy and harmonious blending of +correspondences which are in perfect keeping; but if you sully the +eyebrows with blackness, you destroy all similitude of feature and +expression, and almost present a deformity. + +We cannot but allude to the practice of using white paints, a habit +strongly to be condemned. If for no other reason than that poison lurks +beneath every layer, inducing paralytic affections and premature death, +they should be discarded--but they are a disguise which deceives no one, +even at a distance; there is a ghastly deathliness in the appearance of +the skin after it has been painted, which is far removed from the +natural hue of health. + +The hostess should be particularly careful not to outshine her guests. +We have seen many instances where a lady, fond of dress, (and what lady +is not fond of dress?) and conscious that it is unbecoming to dress to +excess when visitors are invited, yet so unable to restrain the desire +of display, has made the whole of her guests look shabby, by the +contrast of her own gay colors. To dress meanly is a mark of disrespect +to the company, but it is equally so to make a very gay appearance. If +you make a grand display yourself, you are apt to appear as if you +wished to parade your appearance, and it is always safer to be under +than over the mark. + +In going out, consider the sort of company you are likely to meet, and +endeavor to assimilate to them as much as possible--for to make a great +display elsewhere is an evidence of bad taste. But here if you miss the +happy medium, dress above the mark rather than below it, for you may +dress more out of doors than you may at home. Where dancing is expected +to take place, no one should go without new kid gloves; nothing is so +revolting as to see one person in an assembly ungloved, especially where +the heat of the room, and the exercise together, are sure to make the +hands redder than usual. Always wear your gloves in church or in a +theater. + +We may add a few general maxims, applied to both sexes, and our task +will be done. + +"All affectation in dress," says Chesterfield, "implies a flaw in the +understanding." One should, therefore, avoid being singular, or +attracting the notice, and the tongues of the sarcastic, by being +eccentric. + +Never dress against any one. Choose those garments which suit you, and +look well upon you, perfectly irrespective of the fact that a lady or +gentleman in the same village or street may excel you. + +When dressed for company, strive to appear as easy and natural as if you +were in undress. Nothing is more distressing to a sensitive person, or +more ridiculous to one gifted with an _esprit moqueur_, than to see a +lady laboring under the consciousness of a fine gown; or a gentleman who +is stiff, awkward, and ungainly in a bran-new coat. + +Dress according to your age. It is both painful and ridiculous to see an +old lady dressed as a belle of four-and-twenty, or an old fellow, old +enough for a grandfather, affecting the costume and the manners of a +_beau_. + +Young men should be _well_ dressed. Not foppishly, but neatly and well. +An untidy person at five-and-twenty, degenerates, very frequently, into +a sloven and a boor at fifty. + +Be not too negligent, nor too studied in your attire; and lastly, let +your behavior and conversation suit the clothes you wear, so that those +who know you may feel that, after all, dress and external appearance is +the least portion of a LADY or GENTLEMAN. + + + + +INTRODUCTIONS. + + +The custom which prevails in country places of introducing everybody you +meet to each other, is both an annoying and an improper one. As a +general rule, introductions ought not to be made, except where there is +undoubted evidence that the acquaintance would be mutually agreeable and +proper. + +But if you should find an agreeable person in private society, who seems +desirous of making your acquaintance, there cannot be any objection to +your meeting his advances half way, although the ceremony of an +"introduction" may not have taken place; his presence in your friend's +house being a sufficient guarantee for his respectability, as of course +if he were an improper person he would not be there. + +It is customary in introducing people, to present the youngest person to +the oldest, or the humblest to the highest in position, if there is any +distinction. + +In introducing a gentleman to a lady, address her first, thus: "Miss +Mason, permit me to present you to Mr. Kent;" or, "Mr. Trevor, I have +the pleasure of presenting to you Mr. Marlow." When one lady is married, +and the other single, present the single lady to the matron--"Miss +Harris, allow me to introduce you to Mrs. Martin." + +When you introduce parties whom you are quite sure will be pleased with +each other, it is well to add, after the introduction, that you take +great pleasure in making them acquainted, which will be an assurance to +each that you think they are well matched, and thus they are prepared to +be friends from the start. + +In introducing parties, be careful to pronounce each name distinctly, as +there is nothing more awkward than to have one's name miscalled. + +In introducing a foreigner, it is proper to present him as "Mr. Leslie, +from England;" "Mr. La Rue from France." Likewise when presenting an +American who has recently returned after traveling in distant lands, +make him known as "Mr. Dunlap, lately from France," or "Mr. Meadows, +recently from Italy." + +It is very easy to make these slight specifications, and they at once +afford an opening for conversation between the two strangers, for +nothing will be more natural than to ask "the recently arrived" +something about his voyage, or the places he has seen during his +travels. + +When presenting a governor, designate the State he governs--as, +"Governor Fenton of New York." In introducing a member of Congress, +mention the State to which he belongs, as "Mr. Sherman of Ohio," or "Mr. +Banks of Massachusetts." Do not forget that Congress includes the two +legislative bodies. + +When introducing any of the members of your own family, mention the name +in an audible tone. It is not considered sufficient to say "My father," +"My mother," "My sister," or "My brother." But say, "My father, Mr. +Stanley," "My brother, Mr. Weston," "My sister, Miss or Mrs. Hope." It +is best to be explicit in all these things, for there may be more than +one surname in the family. The eldest daughter should be introduced by +her surname only, as, "Miss Sherwood," her younger sisters, as "Miss +Maud Sherwood," "Miss Mary Sherwood." + +In presenting a clergyman, do not neglect to put "Reverend" before his +name. If he is a D. D. say, "The Reverend Doctor." If he is a bishop, +then the word bishop is sufficient. + +When you are introduced to a person, be careful not to appear as though +you had never heard of him before. If he happens to be a person of any +distinction, such a mistake would be unpardonable, and no person is +complimented by being reminded of the fact that his name is unknown. + +If by any misfortune you have been introduced to a person whose +acquaintance you do not desire, you can merely make the formal bow of +etiquette when you meet him, which, of itself, encourages no +familiarity; but _the bow is indispensable_, for he cannot be thought a +gentleman who would pass another with a vacant stare, after having been +formally presented to him. By so doing, he would offer a slight which +would justly make him appear contemptible even in the eyes of the person +he means to humble. + +What is called "cutting" another is never practiced by gentlemen or +ladies, except in some extraordinary instances of bad conduct on the +part of the individual thus sacrificed. An increased degree of ceremony +and formal politeness is the most delicate way of withdrawing from an +unpleasant acquaintance. Indeed, what is called "cutting" is rarely ever +practiced by well-bred ladies and gentlemen. + +On introduction in a room, a married lady generally offers her hand, a +young lady not; in a ball-room, where the introduction is to dancing, +not to friendship, you never shake hands; and as a general rule, an +introduction is not followed by shaking hands--only by a bow. It may +perhaps be laid down, that the more public the place of introduction, +the less hand-shaking takes place; but if the introduction be +particular, if it be accompanied by personal recommendation, such as, "I +want you to know my friend Jones," then you give Jones your hand, and +warmly too. + +It is understood in society, that a person who has been _properly_ +introduced to you, has some claim on your good offices in future; you +cannot therefore slight him without good reason, and the chance of being +called to an account for it. + + + + +LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION. + + +Letters of introduction are to be regarded as certificates of +respectability, and are therefore never to be given where you do not +feel sure on this point. To send a person of whom you know nothing into +the confidence and family of a friend, is an unpardonable recklessness. +In England, letters of introduction are called "tickets to soup," +because it is generally customary to invite a gentleman to dine who +comes with a letter of introduction to you. Such is also the practice, +to some extent, in this country, but etiquette _here_ does not make the +dinner so essential as _there_. + +In England, the party holding a letter of introduction never takes it +himself to the party to whom it is addressed, but he sends it with his +card of address. + +In France, and on the continent of Europe generally, directly the +reverse is the fashion. In America the English custom generally +prevails; though where a young gentleman has a letter to one who is many +years his senior, or to one whose aid he seeks in some enterprise, he +takes it at once himself. + +When a gentleman, bearing a letter of introduction to you, leaves his +card, you should call on him, or send a note, as early as possible. +There is no greater insult than to treat a letter of introduction with +indifference--it is a slight to the stranger as well as to the +introducer, which no subsequent attentions will cancel. After you have +made this call, it is, to some extent, optional with you as to what +further attentions you shall pay the party. In this country everybody is +supposed to be very busy, which is always a sufficient excuse for not +paying elaborate attentions to visitors. It is not demanded that any man +shall neglect his business to wait upon visitors or guests. + +Do not imagine these little ceremonies to be insignificant and beneath +your attention; they are the customs of society; and if you do not +conform to them, you will gain the unenviable distinction of being +pointed out as an ignorant, ill-bred person. Not that you may _care_ the +more for strangers by showing them civility, but you should scrupulously +avoid the imputation of being deficient in good-breeding; and if you do +not choose to be polite for _their_ sakes, you ought to be so for _your +own_. + +Letters of introduction should only be given by actual friends of the +persons addressed, and to actual friends of their own. Never, if you are +wise, give a letter to a person whom you do not know, nor address one to +one whom you know slightly. The letter of introduction, if actually +given to its bearer, should be left unsealed, that he may not incur the +fate of the Persian messenger, who brought tablets of introduction +recommending the new acquaintance to cut his head off. A letter of this +kind must therefore be carefully worded, stating in full the name of the +person introduced, but with as few remarks about him as possible. It is +generally sufficient to say that he is a friend of yours, whom you trust +your other friend will receive with attention, etc. In traveling it is +well to have as many letters as possible, but not to pin your faith on +them. + + + + +DINNER PARTIES. + + +Invitations to dine, from a married party, are sent in some such form as +the following: + + Mr. and Mrs. A---- present their compliments to Mr. and Mrs. B----, + and request the honor, [or hope to have the pleasure] of their + company to dinner on Wednesday, the 10th of December next, at + seven. + + A---- Street, November 18th, 18--. + + R. S. V. P. + +The letters in the corner imply "_Répondez, s'il vous plait_;" meaning, +"an answer will oblige." The reply, accepting the invitation, is +concluded in the following terms: + + Mr. and Mrs. B---- present their compliments to Mr. and Mrs. A----, + and will do themselves the honor, [or will have much pleasure in] + accepting their kind invitation to dinner on the 10th of December + next. + + B---- Square, November 21st, 18--. + +The answer to invitations to dine, accepting or declining, should be +sent immediately, and are always addressed to the lady. If, after you +have accepted an invitation, anything occurs to render it impossible for +you to go, the lady should be informed of it immediately. It is a great +breach of etiquette not to answer an invitation as soon after it is +received as possible, and it is an insult to disappoint when we have +promised. + +Cards or invitations for a dinner party, should be issued at least two +weeks beforehand, and care should be taken by the hostess, in the +selection of the invited guests, that they should be suited to each +other. Much also of the pleasure of the dinner-party will depend on the +arrangement of the guests at table, so as to form a due admixture of +talkers and listeners, the grave and the gay. + +Letters or cards of invitation should always name the hour of dinner; +and well-bred people will arrive as nearly at the specified time as they +can. Be sure and not be a minute behind the time, and you should not get +there long before, unless the invitation requests you particularly to +come early for a little chat before dinner. + +It is always best for the lady of the house, where a dinner-party is to +come off, to be dressed and ready to appear in the drawing-room as early +as possible, so that if any of the guests should happen to come a little +early, she may be prepared to receive them. It is awkward for both +parties where visitors arrive before the lady of the house is ready for +them. If it is necessary for her to keep an eye upon the dinner, it is +still best that she should familiarly receive her guests, and beg to be +excused, if it is necessary for her to vanish occasionally to the +kitchen. A real lady is not ashamed to have it known that she goes into +the kitchen; on the contrary, it is more likely that she will be a +little proud of being thought capable of superintending the preparing +feast. + +It is not in good taste for the lady of the house, where a dinner-party +is given, to dress very much. She leaves it for her lady-guests to make +what display they please, and she offers no rivalry to their fine +things. She contents herself with a tasty _négligé_, which often proves +the most fascinating equipment after all, especially, if the cheeks +become a little flushed with natural bloom, in consequence of the +exercise and anxiety incident to the reception of the guests. + +The half hour before dinner has always been considered as the great +ordeal through which the lady of the house, in giving a dinner-party, +will either pass with flying colors, or lose many of her laurels. The +anxiety to receive her guests, her hope that all will be present in good +time, her trust in the skill of her cook, and the attention of the other +domestics all tend to make the few minutes a trying time. The lady +however, must display no kind of agitation, but show her tact in +suggesting light and cheerful subjects of conversation, which will be +much aided by the introduction of any particular new book, curiosity of +art, or article of _virtu_, which may pleasantly engage the attention of +the company. + +"Waiting for dinner," however, is a trying time, and there are few who +have not felt---- + + "How sad it is to sit and pine, + The long _half-hour_ before we dine! + Upon our watches oft we look, + Then wonder at the clock and cook, + + And strive to laugh in spite of Fate! + But laughter forced, soon quits the room, + And leaves it to its former gloom. + But lo! the dinner now appears, + The object of our hope and fears, + The end of all our pain!" + +In giving an entertainment of this kind, the lady should remember that +it is her duty to make her guests feel happy, comfortable, and quite at +their ease; and the guests should also consider that they have come to +the house of their hostess to be happy. + +When dinner is on the table, the lady and gentleman of the house will +have an opportunity of showing their tact by seeing that the most +distinguished guests, or the _oldest_, are shown into the dining-room +first, and by making those companions at the table who are most likely +to be agreeable to each other. The lady of the house may lead the way, +or follow her guests into the dining-room, as she pleases. Among those +who delight to follow the etiquette of the English nobility, the latter +practice is followed. But the practice must not be considered a test of +good breeding in America. If the lady leads, the husband will follow +behind the guests, with the lady on his arm who is to sit at his side. +The old custom is still followed to some extent in this country, of the +lady taking the head of the table, with the two most favored guests +seated, the one at her right and the other at her left hand; while the +gentleman of the house takes the foot of the table, supported on each +side by the two ladies most entitled to consideration. But this old rule +is by no means slavishly followed in polite society in this country. + +In order to be able to watch the course of the dinner, and to see that +nothing is wanting to their guests, the lady and gentleman of the house +usually seat themselves in the centre of the table, opposite each other. + +When all the guests are seated, the lady of the house serves in plates, +from a pile at her left hand, the soup, which she sends round, beginning +with her neighbors right and left, and continuing till all are helped. +These first plates usually pass twice, for each guest endeavors to +induce his neighbor to accept what was sent to him. + +The gentleman then carves, or causes to be carved by some expert guest, +the large pieces, in order afterwards to do the other honors himself. If +you have no skill in carving meats, do not attempt it; nor should you +ever discharge this duty except when your good offices are solicited by +him; neither can we refuse anything sent us from his hand. + + + + +HABITS AT TABLE. + + +As soon as dinner is announced, the host or hostess will give the signal +for leaving the drawing-room, and in all probability you will be +requested to escort one of the ladies to the table. If this should +occur, offer the lady your left arm, and at the table remain standing +until every lady is seated, then take the place assigned to you by the +hostess. When you leave the parlor, pass out first, and the lady will +follow you, still lightly holding your arm. At the door of the +dining-room, the lady will drop your arm. You should then pass in, and +wait at one side of the entrance till she passes you. Having arrived at +the table, each gentleman respectfully salutes the lady whom he +conducts, who in her turn, also bows and takes her seat. + +Nothing indicates the good breeding of a gentleman so much as his +manners at table. There are a thousand little points to be observed, +which, although not absolutely necessary, distinctly stamp the refined +and well-bred man. A man may pass muster by _dressing well_, and may +sustain himself tolerably in conversation; but if he be not perfectly +_"au fait," dinner_ will betray him. + +Any unpleasant peculiarity, abruptness, or coarseness of manners, is +especially offensive at table. People are more easily disgusted at that +time than at any other. All such acts as leaning over on one side in +your chair, placing your elbows on the table, or on the back of your +neighbor's chair, gaping, twisting about restlessly in your seat, are +to be avoided as heresies of the most infidel stamp at table. + +Though the body at table should always be kept in a tolerably upright +and easy position, yet one need not sit bolt-upright, as stiff and prim +as a poker. To be easy, to be natural, and to appear comfortable, is the +deportment required. + +Always go to a dinner as neatly dressed as possible. The expensiveness +of your apparel is not of much importance, but its freshness and +cleanliness are indispensable. The hands and finger-nails require +especial attention. It is a great insult to every lady at the table for +a man to sit down to dinner with his hands in a bad condition. + +It is considered vulgar to take fish or soup twice. The _reason_ for not +being helped twice to fish or soup at a large dinner-party is, because +by doing so you keep three parts of the company staring at you whilst +waiting for the second course, which is spoiling, much to the annoyance +of the mistress of the house. The selfish greediness, therefore, of so +doing constitutes its vulgarity. At a family dinner it is of less +importance, and is consequently often done. + +You will sip your soup as quietly as possible from the side of the +spoon, and you, of course, will not commit the vulgarity of blowing in +it, or trying to cool it, after it is in your mouth, by drawing in an +unusual quantity of air, for by so doing you would be sure to annoy, if +you did not turn the stomach of the lady or gentleman next to you. + +Be careful and do not touch either your knife or your fork until after +you have finished eating your soup. Leave your spoon in your soup plate, +that the servant may remove them. + +Never _use your knife to convey_ your food to your mouth, _under any +circumstances_; it is unnecessary, and glaringly vulgar. Feed yourself +with a _fork_ or _spoon_, _nothing else_--a knife is only to be used for +cutting. + +If at dinner you are requested to help any one to sauce, do not pour it +over the meat or vegetables, but on one side. If you should have to +carve and help a joint, do not load a person's plate--it is vulgar; also +in serving soup, one ladleful to each plate is sufficient. + +Fish should always be helped with a silver fish-slice, and your own +portion of it divided by the fork aided by a piece of bread. The +application of a knife to fish is likely to destroy the delicacy of its +flavor; besides which, fish sauces are often acidulated; acids corrode +steel, and draw from it a disagreeable taste. + +The lady and gentleman of the house are, of course, helped last, and +they are very particular to notice, every minute, whether the waiters +are attentive to every guest. But they do not press people either to eat +more than they appear to want, nor _insist_ upon their partaking of any +particular dish. It is allowable for you to recommend, so far as to say +that it is considered "excellent," but remember that tastes differ, and +dishes which suit _you_, may be unpleasant to others; and that, in +consequence of your urgency, some modest people might feel themselves +compelled to partake of what is disagreeable to them. + +Neither ladies nor gentlemen ever wear gloves at table, unless their +hands, from some cause, are not fit to be seen. + +Avoid too slow or too rapid eating; the one will appear as though you +did not like your dinner, and the other as though you were afraid you +would not get enough. + +Making a noise in chewing your food, or breathing hard in eating, are +unseemly habits, which will be sure to get you a bad name at table, +among people of good-breeding. Let it be a sacred rule that _you cannot +use your knife, or fork, or teeth too quietly_. + +Avoid picking your teeth, if possible, at table, for however agreeable +such a practice might be to yourself, it may be offensive to others. The +habit which some have of holding one hand over the mouth, does not avoid +the vulgarity of teeth-picking at table. + +Unless you are requested to do so, never select any particular part of a +dish; but if your host asks you what part you prefer, name some part, as +in this case the incivility would consist in making your host choose as +well as carve for you. + +If your host or hostess passes you a plate, keep it, especially if you +have chosen the food upon it, for others have also a choice, and by +passing it, you may give your neighbor dishes distasteful to him, and +take yourself those which he would much prefer. + +If a dish is distasteful to you, decline it, but make no remarks about +it. It is sickening and disgusting to explain at a table how one article +makes you sick, or why some other dish has become distasteful to you. I +have seen a well-dressed tempting dish go from a table untouched, +because one of the company told a most disgusting anecdote about finding +vermin served in a similar dish. + +If the meat or fish upon your plate is too rare or too well-done, do not +eat it; give for an excuse that you prefer some other dish before you; +but never tell your host that his cook has made the dish uneatable. + +If a gentleman is seated by the side of a lady or elderly person, +politeness requires him to save them all trouble of pouring out for +themselves to drink, and of obtaining whatever they are in want of at +the table. He should be eager to offer them whatever he thinks to be +most to their taste. + +Never pare an apple or a pear for a lady unless she desire you, and then +be careful to use your fork to hold it; you may sometimes offer to +_divide a very large pear_ with or for a person. + +It is not good taste to praise extravagantly every dish that is set +before you; but if there are some things that are really very nice, it +is well to speak in their praise. But, above all things, avoid seeming +indifferent to the dinner that is provided for you, as that might be +construed into a dissatisfaction with it. + +Some persons, in helping their guests, or recommending dishes to their +taste, preface every such action with a eulogy on its merits, and draw +every bottle of wine with an account of its virtues; others, running +into the contrary extreme, regret or fear that each dish is not exactly +as it should be; that the cook, etc., etc. Both of these habits are +grievous errors. You should leave it to your guests alone to approve, or +suffer one of your intimate friends who is present, to vaunt your wine. + +If you ask the waiter for anything, you will be careful to speak to him +gently in the tone of _request_, and not of _command_. To speak to a +waiter in a driving manner will create, among well-bred people, the +suspicion that you were sometime a servant yourself, and are putting on +_airs_ at the thought of your promotion. Lord Chesterfield says: "If I +tell a footman to bring me a glass of wine, in a rough, insulting +manner, I should expect that, in obeying me, he would contrive to spill +some of it upon me, and I am sure I should deserve it." + +Should your servants break anything while you are at table, never turn +round, or inquire into the particulars, however annoyed you may feel. +If your servants betray stupidity or awkwardness in waiting on your +guests, avoid reprimanding them _publicly_, as it only draws attention +to their errors, and adds to their embarrassment. + +Never commit the vulgarism of speaking when you have any food in your +mouth. + +When you have occasion to change or pass your plate during dinner, be +careful and remove your knife and fork, that the plate _alone_ may be +taken, but after you have finished your dinner, cross the knife and fork +on the plate, that the servant may take all away, before bringing you +clean ones for dessert. + +Do not put butter on your bread at dinner, and avoid biting or cutting +your bread from the slice, or roll; rather break off small pieces, and +put these in your mouth with your fingers. + +It is considered vulgar to dip a piece of bread into the preserves or +gravy upon your plate and then bite it. If you desire to eat them +together, it is much better to break the bread in small pieces, and +convey these to your mouth with your fork. + +Avoid putting bones, or the seeds of fruit, upon your table-cloth. +Rather place them upon the edge of your plate. + +When you wish to help yourself to butter, salt, or sugar, use the +butter-knife, salt-spoon and sugar-tongs; to use your own knife, spoon +or fingers evinces great ignorance and ill-breeding. + +It is customary in some American families to serve their guests with +coffee in the parlor after dinner. But this is a European custom which +is not generally practiced in polite American society. When coffee is +given at the close of the dinner, it is more usual to serve it before +the guests leave the table. The practice of handing it round in the +parlor or drawing-room, is an unnecessary inconvenience to the guests +particularly, without any compensating advantages. + +Finger-glasses are generally handed round as soon as the viands are +removed, but they are intended merely to wet the fingers and around the +mouth. When the finger-glasses are passed, wet your fingers in them and +then wipe them upon your napkin. The habit of rinsing the mouth at table +is a disgusting piece of indelicacy, which is never practiced by any +well-bred person. + +Upon leaving the table, lay your napkin beside your plate, but do not +fold it. + +Do not leave the table until the lady of the house gives the signal, and +when you leave offer your arm to the lady whom you escorted to the +table. + +It is generally the custom in this country for ladies to retain their +seats at table till the end of the feast, but if they withdraw, the +gentlemen all rise when they leave the table, and remain standing until +they have left the room. + +Politeness demands that you remain at least an hour in the parlor, after +dinner; and, if you can dispose of an entire evening, it would be well +to devote it to the person who has entertained you. It is excessively +rude to leave the house as soon as dinner is over. + + + + +WINE AT TABLE. + + +Almost every gentleman has wine at his table whenever he has invited +guests. Indeed, wine is considered an indispensable part of a good +dinner, to which ladies and gentlemen have been formally invited. Even +if you are a total-abstinence man yourself, you will not, if you are +really a gentleman, attempt to compel all your guests to be so against +their wish. If you are so fanatical that you have what is called +"conscientious scruples" against furnishing wine, then you should invite +none to dine who are not as fanatical and bigoted as yourself. You must +consider that a gentleman may have "conscientious scruples" against +dining with you on cold water, for there are even temperate and sober +gentleman who would go without meat as soon as be deprived of their +glass of wine at dinner. The vegetarian, who would force his guests to +dine on cabbages and onions, is hardly guilty of a greater breach of +etiquette than the total-abstinence fanatic who would compel his guests +to go without wine. + +If there is a gentleman at the table who is known to be a +total-abstinence man, you will not urge him to drink. He will suffer his +glass to be filled at the first passage of the wine, and raising it to +his lips, will bow his respects with the rest of the guests, and after +that his glass will be allowed to remain untouched. As little notice as +possible should be taken of his total-abstinence peculiarity. And, if he +is a gentleman, he will carefully avoid drawing attention to it +himself. + +It is not now the custom to ask a lady across the table to take wine +with you. It is expected that every lady will be properly helped to wine +by the gentleman who takes her to the table, or who sits next to her. +But if you are in company where the old custom prevails, it would be +better breeding to follow the custom of the place, rather than by an +omission of what your entertainer considers civility, to prove him, in +face of his guests, to be either ignorant or vulgar. If either a lady or +gentleman is invited to take wine at table, they must _never refuse_; if +they do not _drink_, they need only touch the wine to their lips. Do not +offer to help a lady to wine until you see she has finished her soup or +fish. + +Always wipe your mouth before drinking, as nothing is more ill-bred than +to grease your glass with your lips. + +Do not propose to take wine with your host; it is his privilege to +invite you. + +It is considered well bred to take the same wine as that selected by the +person with whom you drink. When, however, the wine chosen by him is +unpalatable to you, it is allowable to take that which you prefer, at +the same time apologizingly saying, "Will you permit me to drink +_claret_?" or whatever wine you have selected. + +In inviting a lady to take wine with you at table, you should politely +say, "Shall I have the pleasure of a glass of wine with you?" You will +then either hand her the bottle you have selected, or send it by the +waiter, and afterwards fill your own glass, when you will politely and +silently bow to each other, as you raise the wine to your lips. The same +ceremony is to be observed when inviting a gentleman. + +On raising the first glass of wine to his lips, it is customary for a +gentleman to bow to the lady of the house. + +It is not customary to propose _toasts_ or to drink deep at a +gentleman's family table. Lord Byron describes "a largish party," as +"first silent, then talky, then argumentative, then disputatious, then +unintelligible, then altogethery, then drunk." But this was "a largish +party," which, it is to be hoped, was given at a tavern; for the man who +drinks to intoxication, or to any considerable degree of _elevation_, at +a gentleman's family table, ought never to expect to be invited a second +time. + +At dinner-parties which are given to gentlemen, for the purpose of +conviviality, one may indulge in as much wine as he pleases, provided he +does not get _drunk_, and make a nuisance of himself. Where drinking, +and toasting, and bumpers, are the order of the feast, as at a public +dinner, given in honor of a distinguished man, or at the inauguration of +some public enterprise, far greater latitude is allowed, in all things, +than on more private and select occasions. + +In conclusion of our article on table etiquette, we quote from a recent +English work, some humorous, but valuable hints: + +"We now come to habits at table, which are very important. However +agreeable a man may be in society, if he offends or disgusts by his +table traits, he will soon be scouted from it, and justly so. There are +some broad rules for behavior at table. Whenever there is a servant to +help you, never help yourself. Never put a knife into your mouth, not +even with cheese, which should be eaten with a fork. Never use a spoon +for anything but liquids. Never touch anything edible with your fingers. + +"Forks were undoubtedly a later invention than fingers, but as we are +not cannibals, I am inclined to think they were a good one. There are +some few things which you may take up with your fingers. Thus an +epicure will eat even macaroni with his fingers; and as sucking +asparagus is more pleasant than chewing it, you may, as an epicure, take +it up _au naturel_. But both these things are generally eaten with a +fork. Bread is, of course, eaten with the fingers, and it would be +absurd to carve it with your knife and fork. It must, on the contrary, +always be broken when not buttered, and you should never put a slice of +dry bread to your mouth to bite a piece off. Most fresh fruit, too, is +eaten with the natural prongs, but when you have peeled an orange or +apple, you should cut it with the aid of the fork, unless you can +succeed in breaking it. Apropos of which, I may hint that no epicure +ever yet put a knife to an apple, and that an orange should be peeled +with a spoon. But the art of peeling an orange so as to hold its own +juice, and its own sugar too, is one that can scarcely be taught in a +book. + +"However, let us go to dinner, and I will soon tell you whether you are +a well-bred man or not; and here let me premise that what is good +manners for a small dinner is good manners for a large one, and _vice +versa_. Now, the first thing you do is to sit down. Stop, sir! pray do +not cram yourself into the table in that way; no, nor sit a yard from +it, like that. How graceless, inconvenient, and in the way of +conversation! Why, dear me! you are positively putting your elbows on +the table, and now you have got your hands fumbling about with the +spoons and forks, and now you are nearly knocking my new hock glasses +over. Can't you take your hands down, sir? Didn't you, learn that in the +nursery? Didn't your mamma say to you, "Never put your hands above the +table except to carve or eat?" Oh! but come, no nonsense, sit up, if you +please. I can't have your fine head of hair forming a side dish on my +table; you must not bury your face in the plate; you came to show it, +and it ought to be alive. Well, but there is no occasion to throw your +head back like that, you look like an alderman, sir, _after_ dinner. +Pray, don't lounge in that sleepy way. You are here to eat, drink, and +be merry. You can sleep when you get home. + +"Well, then, I suppose you can see your napkin. Got none, indeed! Very +likely, in _my_ house. You may be sure that I never sit down to a meal +without napkins. I don't want to make my tablecloths unfit for use, and +I don't want to make my trousers unwearable. Well, now, we are all +seated, you can unfold it on your knees; no, no; don't tuck it into your +waistcoat like an alderman; and what! what on earth do you mean by +wiping your forehead with it? Do you take it for a towel? Well, never +mind, I am consoled that you did not go farther, and use it as a +pocket-handkerchief. So talk away to the lady on your right, and wait +till soup is handed to you. By the way, that waiting is the most +important part of table manners, and, as much as possible, you should +avoid asking for anything or helping yourself from the table. Your soup +you eat with a spoon--I don't know what else you _could_ eat it +with--but then it must be one of good size. Yes, that will do, but I beg +you will not make that odious noise in drinking your soup. It is louder +than a dog lapping water, and a cat would be quite genteel to it. Then +you need not scrape up the plate in that way, nor even tilt it to get +the last drop. I shall be happy to send you some more; but I must just +remark, that it is not the custom to take two helpings of soup, and it +is liable to keep other people waiting, which, once for all, is a +selfish and intolerable habit. But don't you hear the servant offering +you sherry? I wish you would attend, for my servants have quite enough +to do, and can't wait all the evening while you finish that very mild +story to Miss Goggles. Come, leave that decanter alone. I had the wine +put on the table to fill up; the servants will hand it directly, or, as +we are a small party, I will tell you to help yourself; but pray, do +not be so officious. (There, I have sent him some turbot to keep him +quiet. I declare he cannot make up his mind.) You are keeping my servant +again, sir. Will you, or will you not, do turbot? Don't examine it in +that way; it is quite fresh, I assure you; take or decline it. Ah, you +take it, but that is no reason why you should take up a knife too. Fish, +I repeat, must never be touched with a knife. Take a fork in the right +and a small piece of bread in the left hand. Good, but----? Oh! that is +atrocious; of course you must not swallow the bones, but you should +rather do so than spit them out in that way. Put up your napkin like +this, and land the said bone on your plate. Don't rub your head in the +sauce, my good man, nor go progging about after the shrimps or oysters +therein. Oh! how horrid! I declare your mouth was wide open and full of +fish. Small pieces, I beseech you; and once for all, whatever you eat, +keep your mouth _shut_, and never attempt to talk with it full. + +"So now you have got a pâté. Surely you are not taking two on your +plate! There is plenty of dinner to come, and one is quite enough. Oh! +dear me, you are incorrigible. What! a knife to cut that light brittle +pastry? No, nor fingers, never. Nor a spoon--almost as bad. Take your +fork, sir, your fork; and, now you have eaten, oblige me by wiping your +mouth and moustache with your napkin, for there is a bit of the pastry +hanging to the latter, and looking very disagreeable. Well, you can +refuse a dish if you like. There is no positive necessity for you to +take venison if you don't want it. But, at any rate, do not be in that +terrific hurry. You are not going off by the next train. Wait for the +sauce and wait for the vegetables; but whether you eat them or not, do +not begin before everybody else. Surely you must take my table for that +of a railway refreshment-room, for you have finished before the person I +helped first. Fast eating is bad for the digestion, my good sir, and not +very good manners either. What! are you trying to eat meat with a fork +alone? Oh! it is sweetbread; I beg your pardon, you are quite right. Let +me give you a rule: Everything that can be cut without a knife, should +be cut with a fork alone. Eat your vegetables, therefore, with a fork. +No, there is no necessity to take a spoon for peas; a fork in the right +hand will do. What! did I really see you put your knife into your mouth? +Then I must give you up. Once for all, and ever, the knife is to cut, +not to help with. Pray, do not munch in that noisy manner; chew your +food well, but softly. _Eat slowly._ Have you not heard that Napoleon +lost the battle of Leipsic by eating too fast? It is a fact though. His +haste caused indigestion, which made him incapable of attending to the +details of the battle. You see you are the last person eating at table. +Sir, I will not allow you to speak to my servants in that way. If they +are so remiss as to oblige you to ask for anything, do it gently, and in +a low tone, and thank a servant just as much as you would his master. +Ten to one he is as good a man; and because he is your inferior in +position, is the very reason you should treat him courteously. Oh! it is +of no use to ask me to take wine; far from pacifying me, it will only +make me more angry, for I tell you the custom is quite gone out, except +in a few country villages, and at a mess-table. Nor need you ask the +lady to do so. However, there is this consolation, if you should ask any +one to take wine with you, he or she _cannot_ refuse, so you have your +own way. Perhaps next you will be asking me to hob and nob, or +_trinquer_ in the French fashion with arms encircled. Ah! you don't +know, perhaps, that when a lady _trinques_ in that way with you, you +have a right to finish off with a kiss. Very likely, indeed! But it _is_ +the custom in familiar circles in France, but then we are not Frenchmen. +_Will_ you attend to your lady, sir? You did not come merely to eat, but +to make yourself agreeable. Don't sit as glum as the Memnon at Thebes; +talk and be pleasant. Now you have some pudding. No knife--no, _no_. A +spoon, if you like, but better still, a fork. Yes, ice requires a spoon; +there is a small one handed you, take that. + +"Say 'no.' This is the fourth time wine has been handed to you, and I am +sure you have had enough. Decline this time if you please. Decline that +dish too. Are you going to eat of everything that is handed? I pity you +if you do. No, you must not ask for more cheese, and you must eat it +with your fork. Break the rusk with your fingers. Good. You are drinking +a glass of old port. Do not quaff it down at a gulp in that way. Never +drink a whole glassful of anything at once. + +"Well, here is the wine and dessert. Take whichever wine you like, but +remember you must keep to that, and not change about. Before you go up +stairs I will allow you a glass of sherry after your claret, but +otherwise drink of one wine only! You don't mean to say you are helping +yourself to wine before the ladies! At least, offer it to the one next +to you, and then pass it on, gently, not with a push like that. Do not +drink so fast; you will hurry me in passing the decanters, if I see that +your glass is empty. You need not eat dessert till the ladies are gone, +but offer them whatever is nearest to you. And now they are gone, draw +your chair near mine, and I will try and talk more pleasantly to you. +You will come out admirably at your next dinner with all my teaching. +What! you are excited, you are talking loud to the colonel. Nonsense! +Come and talk easily to me or to your nearest neighbor. There, don't +drink any more wine, for I see you are getting romantic. You oblige me +to make a move. You have had enough of those walnuts; you are keeping +me, my dear sir. So now to coffee [one cup] and tea, which I beg you +will not pour into your saucer to cool. Well, the dinner has done you +good, and me too. Let us be amiable to the ladies, but not too much +so." + + + + +CARVING. + + +Carving is an art which every parent should teach his sons and +daughters. Nothing can be more disagreeable and unpleasant than to be +placed before any particular dish without being able to help it +properly. It is generally the case when the head of the family is a good +carver; for he so objects to see things badly cut, that he prefers +carving everything himself. We remember once, when very young, being +invited to a large dinner, and we were placed before a ham. We began to +hack this article, when the general, the founder of the feast, said to +his servant, "Take that ham away from that young gentleman, and place it +before some one who knows how to carve." From that moment we determined +to achieve the art of carving, and after great difficulty we succeeded, +and succeeded so well that once, in carving a hare, a clergyman, one of +the guests, remarked what an excellent invention that of boning a hare +was, we carved it with so much ease; but determined to have a joke at +the expense of the clergyman, we laid down the knife and fork, and said, +"Sir, we are surprised that you could express such an opinion, when it +is well known that it has filled more jails and sent more men to the +treadmill than any other thing you can name." "What, sir, taking the +bones out of a hare?" "No, sir, 'boning' the hare first." No one can +carve without practice, and consequently children ought to begin young, +in order to acquire a thorough knowledge of the art. It is difficult to +describe the method of carving, even with drawings or diagrams; but the +reader who wishes to learn, may, by observing how good carvers proceed, +and applying what he has seen to what he reads, with practice, soon +become an adept. + +And first, never stand up to carve; this is the greatest vulgarity, and +even a very short man need not stand up. A little, deformed, hump-back +friend of ours, used to give very good dinners; he carved well, and +delighted in showing it, but he had a failing--always to have very large +joints of meat before him. One day a stranger guest arrived late, dinner +had been served, even soup and fish had been removed; the host was +absolutely hidden behind an enormous round of beef, and the stranger saw +nothing at the head of the table but the monstrous joint, round which a +knife was revolving with wonderful rapidity. Steam was the subject of +talk at the moment, and he exclaimed, "I did not know that you had +brought steam to this perfection." "What perfection?" "Why, don't you +see that round of beef is carved by steam." This was enough; it got the +hunchback's steam up, and, jumping on the chair, he demanded who dare +insult him in his own house; and it was with great difficulty that his +friends could appease his wrath, and turn his steam off. Ever since the +time of Adam, men and women have been prone to excuse themselves and lay +the blame on others. Thus, a person who could not swim, complained +bitterly of the want of buoyancy in the water; and another, who had +frightfully mangled a leg of mutton in attempting to carve, declared +that the sheep was deformed and had a bandy leg. + +In France, at all large dinners, dishes are carved at the sideboard by a +servant, and then handed round in small portions. It saves a great deal +of trouble, and prevents the shower of gravy with which awkward carvers +will often inundate the table-cloth, and sometimes their neighbors. It +would be well if this custom was universal in America, where it is rare +to find a good carver. In helping the soup, never say, "Will you let me +assist you to some of this soup?" this is vulgar in the extreme. The +word assist is not "selon les règles de la bonne société," but simply, +"Shall I send you some?" Now, any one can help soup. But then there are +two ways, the right and the wrong. First, then, your soup plates should +be held by the servant near the tureen, and you should judge the number +you have to help by the quantity of soup you have, to avoid the +possibility of consuming all your soup before you have helped your +guests; give one spoonful of soup to each plate, and avoid by all means +slopping the soup either into the tureen or over the table-cloth, or +over the side of the plate, all of which are extreme vulgarities. And +here we beg to say--notwithstanding Brummel having said, in speaking of +some one with whom he could find no other fault, that he was a sort of +fellow who would come twice to soup,--that, if very good, it is not +vulgar to eat twice of it; but, _au contraire_, if not good, the worst +possible taste. + +The next thing in order is fish. Now, of fish there are several sorts; +the first of the large sorts being + +SALMON, the shape of which every one knows; but few people have a whole +salmon at table. The fish should be served always on a strainer, covered +with a small dinner napkin, and the cook should be careful that it be +sent to table whole and unbroken. It should be laid on its side, and +garnished with fried smelts; it should be cut with the trowel, or +fish-knife, immediately down the middle of the side, and helped from the +centre to the back, one slice back and a small slice towards the belly, +which is the richest and fattest part; care should be taken that the +slices are not broken, and with each slice a fried smelt be given. + +COD-FISH should be helped differently. Cutting from the back to the +thin part, crossways, and the sound divided so as to give each person a +small portion. + +MACKEREL, if boiled, should be divided into four; that is, place your +trowel or fish-knife under the flesh at the tail, and raise up the flesh +to the head, then divide the side in the middle, giving half of the side +to each person, and leaving the bone and head and tail in the dish. + +HERRINGS should be helped by giving one to each person. + +EELS are always cut in small pieces, and all the attention required is +that those which are the largest are the best. + +PATTIES AND ENTREES ought to be so arranged that they can be served with +a spoon, and require no carving. The roast is therefore the next thing +that calls for observation. + +A LEG OF MUTTON is, or rather ought to be served exactly the reverse +side to a haunch of mutton; that is, it ought to lie on the flat side, +and so show the beveled side to the carver. A slice is cut in the +center; and then the carver is to cut to the bone right and left, the +thick side being most esteemed. The best fat is that which lies at the +thick end, near to the bone; there is not much of it, but it is +considered a delicacy. + +A SIRLOIN OF BEEF.--The most elegant way to cut this joint is by making +an incision from the chine-bone to the flap, directly in the center, and +helping from either side. However, this is not the most economical way; +and therefore it is to be cut thin on the outside, from the chine-bone +to the flaps, with fat from underneath. Many people like the under side, +or inner loin. If this is eaten hot--and it is best hot--the joint +should be turned, and the meat cut across in slices rather thicker than +from the top side. Great care should be taken not to splash the gravy in +turning, by placing the fork well into the flap, so as to secure a firm +hold. + +A FORE QUARTER OF LAMB should be carved without removing the shoulder +from the dish on which it is served. This is very difficult; but if well +done, very elegant. First, then, let us give all the directions +necessary for this dish. When it comes before the carver, he should +place the carving-knife under the shoulder, and dexterously remove it. +Having so done, he should place under the shoulder a slice of fresh +butter, and then prepare some salt, cayenne pepper, and the juice of an +orange or a lemon, which should be also poured over the part of the lamb +from which the shoulder has been separated, and then pour the gravy with +the gravy-spoon over the lamb, so that the butter, etc., may amalgamate +well with the gravy. You have then the breast and the ribs, and the +shoulder on the dish, ready to help your friends. Before separating the +ribs, you must cut off the breast, the bones of which the butcher has +previously broken, so as to enable you to do it with ease. As, however, +many people cannot carve so much in one dish, perhaps the better plan is +to place the shoulder on a separate dish, when it can be cut precisely +as a shoulder of mutton, and the ribs and breast can be more easily +divided and helped. Always take care that the butcher joints the meat, +or no man can carve it. + +A HIND QUARTER OF LAMB should be carved both as a leg and a loin, giving +either part to those who prefer it. + +A SADDLE OF LAMB must be carved like a saddle of mutton. + +A LOIN OF LAMB should always be divided at the chine end of the bone, +and helped in chops. + +A HAUNCH OF VENISON OR MUTTON is the leg and part of the loin. It should +be cut across, near the knuckle, and then another cut should pass down +the center. The slices should be taken from the left and the right of +this; those on the left, containing the most fat, are preferred by +epicures. The fat and gravy must be equally distributed. These joints +should always be served on a hot-water dish, or on a dish with a lamp +under it, so as to keep the meat hot. Without one or other of these +contrivances, no one should presume to give a haunch of venison to his +friends. Before it is sent to table, the cook should pour over the +haunch one wine-glassful of hot port wine. + +AN EDGE-BONE OF BEEF should be placed on the dish standing on the +thickest end. The carver should first cut off a slice horizontally from +the end to the fat, an inch thick; but in helping, it cannot be cut too +thin, giving to each person hard and soft fat. If cut thick it is hard +and indigestible. + +A ROUND OR BUTTOCK OF BEEF is cut like a fillet of veal; that is, a +slice having been horizontally removed all round, the slices should be +cut very thin and very even. To properly carve a large round of beef, a +long carving-knife, such as is used in a cook-shop, is necessary. + +A FILLET OF VEAL is a solid piece of meat without bone; it is therefore +easily carved by any one who possesses a sharp knife; the guard of the +fork should be up, to prevent accidents. The veal should be well +roasted; for if the gravy is in it, it is very unwholesome. The slices +may be cut thicker than beef, and the stuffing should be found in the +center, and in the flap which surrounds it. + +A BREAST OF VEAL.--The richest part of this is called the brisket. The +knife must be put about four inches from this, and cut through it, which +will separate the ribs from the brisket; serve whichever is liked. + +CALF'S HEAD is a dish much esteemed here; but, as generally eaten, +plainly boiled, it is tasteless, insipid, and very objectionable--while +cooked à la tortue, as in France, nothing can be better. It should +always be boned and rolled; but if served whole, it is to be cut down +the center, and helped in slices from either side. A portion of the +sweetbread, which generally accompanies a boiled calf's head, should be +given with each portion. If the flesh about the socket of the eye be +preferred, the eye itself being always taken out, the knife should be +inserted into the orifice, and the meat scooped out. The +palate--generally esteemed a delicacy--is situated under the head. This +should be cut into small portions, so that every one may have a share. + +SHOULDER OF MUTTON.--The joint being placed with the knuckle toward the +right hand, observe that there is an angular piece of fat next you. +Having helped your company from this part, you may, perhaps, imagine +that your shoulder of mutton is exhausted, and will not yield a further +dividend. However, you may get from both sides of a large shoulder +enough to help ten people, provided your slices are not too thick, which +they should not be. The fat is to be cut from the aforesaid angular bit +in slices, longways. After the right and left sides are exhausted, and +the carver stopped by the knuckle on one side and the blade-bone on the +other, the end of the shoulder is to be turned, and cut straight down +from the center bone to the end, comprising the three best slices of the +joint. If more is required, the shoulder may be reversed on the dish, +and four good slices will be found on the under side. + +SADDLE OF MUTTON.--This best joint of the sheep is carved in several +ways; the usual way is to cut from the tail to the end close to the +chine-bone, taking the slices horizontally. Another plan is to cut close +to the back-bone, taking slices sideways, so as to help each person with +a piece like a mutton chop, without the bone and very thin. Another way +is to commence, not quite close to the back-bone, and so cut slices, +rounding them a little that they will curl on the plate, cutting in such +a way that the knife slants toward the flaps or fat, and so that the +top of each slice is fat and the bottom lean; and for a small party, +this is by far the most elegant and the best way to carve this excellent +joint. + +HAM.--There perhaps is no joint about which there has been so much +contention as the carving of this excellent dish. For family use, do not +have the skin removed, but let it be sent to table as it is dressed. Cut +from the thick end, where there is most fat; as a ham served hot is +always eaten with veal or poultry, you can thus eat the fat. Continue +cutting your ham in this way, and you will be able to eat it all; +whereas, in any other way, all the lean will be eaten, and a large +quantity of fat, which will become rancid, will be lost. + +CARVING HAM FOR A PARTY.--The best informed say, carve it like a leg of +mutton, that is, beginning in the center, cut right and left in thin +slices; we say, commence at the knuckle, and cut a thick slice off, and +then cut thin slices as they do in the cook-shops--for, rely on it, by +this time they have found out the most economical way of carving a ham. + +A SUCKING PIG must be divided down the middle, and decapitated. This +ought to be done by the cook, and the two sides placed flat on the dish. +Supposing, therefore, this to have been previously done, the carver is +to take off the shoulders and the legs, and help the ribs in such pieces +as he thinks convenient. The ribs are considered best, and you should +give plenty of the sauce or gravy with each plate. + +HARE.--There are two ways of carving this difficult dish. The first is +to cut close to the back-bone from the shoulder to the rump on either +side, previously dividing the legs; take off the shoulders; cutting the +back-bone in three or four pieces, and getting two slices on either +side of the hare. The ear is considered the best part. Another way of +carving a hare is by taking off the legs and shoulders, and cutting it +round through the back-bone, dividing into seven or eight pieces. It is +better to bone a hare. + +A RABBIT is carved very differently. The legs and shoulders are to be +taken off, and the back divided into three or four pieces. + +FOWLS when boiled have their legs bent inwards, and tucked into the +belly. A fowl must never be removed from the dish and placed upon the +carver's plate; nothing can be more vulgar. The wing is to be removed +with a good slice of the breast, the only difficulty being to hit the +joint. To effect this, the knife is to be passed between the leg and the +body, and the leg turned back with the fork. To take off the +merrythought the carver must commence just above where the breast turns, +and cut down slanting; then begin at the rump end, and cut the breast at +either side, keeping the fork in that part of the breast nearest the +rump, and turning it toward the carver; the side-bones may easily be +removed, the back broken in half, and the two sides are then easily +taken off. All this can only be learned by practice; and although we +have endeavored to describe it, we feel that it requires practice to +carry out the directions. + +A PHEASANT is carved precisely as a fowl. It is only necessary to say +that ladies like the wings and breast. + +WILD DUCK.--This bird is only helped from the breast, which is to be +first scored in such a way as afterward to form the slice. Lemon juice, +cayenne, salt, and port wine made hot, should be ready to pour over it; +then the previously scored slices are to be cut and helped. The breast +is the only eatable part, except when hashed. + +PARTRIDGE.--This bird is carved precisely as a fowl. The legs and the +back are the best parts; give them to the ladies, and let the rest of +the company have the wings and breast. + +PIGEONS are usually cut straight down the middle, and a half sent to +each person. + +TURKEYS are carved like geese. Never make a wing cut from the wing or +pinion upward, and not from the breast downward. Give your knife a +slight angle in cutting, and your slice will be larger and better. + +GOOSE.--To give a description of carving a goose is to say, simply, +begin from the wing and cut the slices from the breast up to the breast +bone, and serve each person with a slice, with some stuffing and gravy. +To cut a wing or leg is vulgar in the extreme; for a large party, then, +a second goose is necessary; but lest our readers should say, "That is +an easy way to avoid telling us how we ought to dismember this bird," we +will continue. If you wish to do a vulgar thing, and dismember a goose, +put your fork into the small end of the pinion, and press it close to +the body, then put in the knife and divide the joint down; to separate +the leg, first put the fork into the small end of the bone, pressing it +to the body, then pass your knife between the leg and the body, turn the +leg back with your fork, and it will come off. It is impossible that +anything but experience will teach a person how to do this expertly; but +as we said before, it never should be done when served hot. It has been +said frequently, that a goose is too much for one, and not enough for +two. This means that the breast, which is the only eatable part of a +roasted goose, is, supposing the person to eat nothing else, too much +for one and not enough for two people's dinners; another reason for +never cutting off or eating the legs hot, is that they make a most +excellent "devil" for breakfast the next day--therefore, why destroy a +dish fit for a king? + +WOODCOCKS AND SNIPES.--These are both carved alike--the necessary +directions being: remove the sand-bag, which contains the gall: this +generally protrudes; lift up the breast near the rump; spread the tail +on your toast; cut the wing, leg, and part of the back, the wing being +cut full, that is, with plenty of the breast attached thereto, and you +have one portion with a third of the toast; serve the other side alike, +with another third of the toast, and the breast and the rest of the back +give to the person you esteem the least; in fact, the legs, wings, and +back, as before described, are the best, and should be served together. +Snipes should be cut in half, unless you have enough to give a bird to +each person. + + + + +ETIQUETTE OF THE BALL AND ASSEMBLY ROOM. + + +Dancing has been defined as a "graceful movement of the body, adjusted +by art to the measures or tunes of instruments, or of voice;" and again, +"agreeable to the true genius of the art, dancing is the art of +expressing the sentiments of the mind, or the passions, by measured +steps or bounds made in cadence, by regulated motions of the figure and +by graceful gestures; all performed to the sound of musical instruments +or the voice." + +Lord Chesterfield, in his letters to his son, says: "Dancing is, in +itself, a very trifling and silly thing: but it is one of those +established follies to which people of sense are sometimes obliged to +conform; and then they should be able to do it well. And though I would +not have you a dancer, yet, when you do dance, I would have you dance +well, as I would have you do everything you do well." In another letter, +he writes: "Do you mind your dancing while your dancing master is with +you? As you will be often under the necessity of dancing a minuet, I +would have you dance it very well. Remember that the graceful motion of +the arms, the giving of your hand, and the putting off and putting on of +your hat genteelly, are the material parts of a gentleman's dancing. But +the greatest advantage of dancing well is, that it necessarily teaches +you to present yourself, to sit, stand, and walk genteelly; all of which +are of real importance to a man of fashion." + +When a gentleman accompanies a lady to a ball he will at once proceed +with her to the door of the ladies' dressing-room, there leaving her; +and then repair to the gentlemen's dressing-room. In the mean time, the +lady, after adjusting her toilet, will retire to the ladies' +sitting-room or wait at the door of the dressing-room, according as the +apartments may be arranged. After the gentleman has divested himself of +hat, etc., and placed the same in the care of the man having charge of +the hat-room, receiving therefor a check, and after arranging his +toilet, he will proceed to the ladies' sitting-room, or wait at the +entrance to the ladies' dressing-room for the lady whom he accompanies, +and with her enter the ball-room. + +The ladies' dressing-room is a sacred precinct, into which no gentleman +should ever presume to look; to enter it would be an outrage not to be +overlooked or forgiven. + +With the etiquette of a ball-room, so far as it goes, there are but few +people unacquainted. Certain persons are appointed to act as floor +managers, or there will be a "Master of the Ceremonies," whose office it +is to see that everything be conducted in a proper manner: if you are +entirely a stranger, it is to _them_ you must apply for a partner, and +point out (quietly) any young lady with whom you should like to dance, +when, if there be no obvious inequality of position, they will present +you for that purpose; should there be an objection, they will probably +select some one they consider more suitable; but do not, on any account, +go to a strange lady by yourself, and request her to dance, as she will +unhesitatingly "decline the honor," and think you an impertinent fellow +for your presumption. + +A gentleman introduced to a lady by a floor manager, or the Master of +Ceremonies, should not be refused by the lady if she be not already +engaged, for her refusal would be a breach of good manners: as the +Master of Ceremonies is supposed to be careful to introduce only +gentlemen who are unexceptionable. But a gentleman who is unqualified as +a dancer should never seek an introduction. + +At a private party, a gentleman may offer to dance with a lady without +an introduction, but at balls the rule is different. The gentleman +should respectfully offer his arm to the lady who consents to dance with +him, and lead her to her place. At the conclusion of the set he will +conduct her to a seat, offer her any attention, or converse with her. A +gentleman should not dance with his wife, and not too often with the +lady to whom he is engaged. + +Any presentation to a lady in a public ball-room, for the mere purpose +of dancing, does not entitle you to claim her acquaintance afterwards; +therefore, should you meet her, at most you may lift your hat; but even +that is better avoided--unless, indeed, she first bow--as neither she +nor her friends can know who or _what_ you are. + +In inviting a lady to dance with you, the words, "Will you _honor_ me +with your hand for a quadrille?" or, "Shall I have the _honor_ of +dancing this set with you?" are more used now than "Shall I have the +_pleasure_?" or, "Will you give me the _pleasure_ of dancing with you?" + +If she answers that she is engaged, merely request her to name the +earliest dance for which she is _not_ engaged, and when she will do you +the honor of dancing with you. + +When a young lady declines dancing with a gentleman, it is her duty to +give him a reason why, although some thoughtless ones do not. No matter +how frivolous it may be, it is simply an act of courtesy to offer him an +excuse; while, on the other hand, no gentleman ought so far to +compromise his self-respect as to take the slightest offence at seeing a +lady by whom he has just been refused, dance immediately after with some +one else. + +Never wait until the signal is given to take a partner, for nothing is +more impolite than to invite a lady hastily, and when the dancers are +already in their places; it can be allowed only when the set is +incomplete. + +Be very careful not to forget an engagement. It is an unpardonable +breach of politeness to ask a lady to dance with you, and neglect to +remind her of her promise when the time to redeem it comes. + +If a friend be engaged when you request her to dance, and she promises +to be your partner for the next or any of the following dances, do not +neglect her when the time comes, but be in readiness to fulfill your +office as her cavalier, or she may think that you have studiously +slighted her, besides preventing her obliging some one else. Even +inattention and forgetfulness, by showing how little you care for a +lady, form in themselves a tacit insult. + +In a quadrille, or other dance, while awaiting the music, or while +unengaged, a lady and gentleman should avoid long conversations, as they +are apt to interfere with the progress of the dance; while, on the other +hand, a gentleman should not stand like an automaton, as though he were +afraid of his partner, but endeavor to render himself agreeable by those +"airy nothings" which amuse for the moment, and are in harmony with the +occasion. + +The customary honors of a bow and courtesy should be given at the +commencement and conclusion of each dance. + +Lead the lady through the quadrille; do not _drag_ her, nor clasp her +hand as if it were made of wood, lest she, not unjustly, think you a +bear. + +You will not, if you are wise, stand up in a quadrille without knowing +something of the figure; and if you are master of a few of the steps, +_so much the better_. But dance quietly; do not kick and caper about, +nor sway your body to and fro; dance only _from the hips downwards_; and +lead the lady as lightly as you would tread a measure with a spirit of +gossamer. + +Do not pride yourself on doing the "steps neatly," unless you are +ambitious of being taken for a dancing-master; between whose motions and +those of a _gentleman_ there is a great difference. + +Unless a man has a very graceful figure, and can use it with great +elegance, it is better for him to _walk_ through the quadrilles, or +invent some gliding movement for the occasion. + +When a lady is standing in a quadrille, though not engaged in dancing, a +gentleman not acquainted with her partner should not converse with her. + +When an unpracticed dancer makes a mistake, we may apprise him of his +error; but it would be very impolite to have the air of giving him a +lesson. + +Immediate attention should be paid to any request made by the Master of +Ceremonies, and all misunderstandings respecting the dance should be +referred to him, his decision being deemed final. Otherwise his +superintendence of the ball will be attended with great inconvenience. + +When forming for quadrilles, if by any oversight you should accidentally +occupy another couple's place, on being informed of the intrusion, you +should immediately apologize to the incommoded party, and secure another +position. + +Contending for a position in quadrilles, at either head or sides, +indicates an irritable and quarrelsome disposition altogether unsuited +for an occasion where all should meet with kindly feelings. + +When a company is divided into different sets, persons should not +attempt to change their places without permission from the Master of +Ceremonies. + +No persons engaged in a quadrille or other dance that requires their +assistance to complete the set, should leave the room or sit down before +the dance is finished, unless on a very urgent occasion, and not even +then without previously informing the Master of Ceremonies, that he may +find substitutes. + +If a lady waltz with you, beware not to press her waist; you must only +lightly touch it with the palm of your hand, lest you leave a +disagreeable impression not only on her _ceinture_, but on her mind. + +Above all, do not be prone to quarrel in a ball-room; it disturbs the +harmony of the company, and should be avoided if possible. Recollect +that a thousand little derelictions from strict propriety may occur +through the ignorance or stupidity of the aggressor, and not from any +intention to annoy; remember, also, that the _really well-bred women_ +will not thank you for making them conspicuous by over-officiousness in +their defence, unless, indeed, there be some serious or glaring +violation of decorum. In small matters, ladies are both able and willing +to take care of themselves, and would prefer being allowed to overwhelm +the unlucky offender in their own way. + +When a gentleman has occasion to pass through an assemblage of ladies, +where it is absolutely impossible to make his way without disturbing +them; or when he is obliged to go in front, because he cannot get behind +them, it is but common courtesy for him to express his regret at being +compelled to annoy them. + +A gentleman having two ladies in charge may, in the absence of friends, +address a stranger, and offer him a partner, asking his name previous to +an introduction, and mentioning that of the lady to him or not, as he +may think proper. + +It is improper to engage or reëngage a lady to dance without the +permission of her partner. + +Never forget that ladies are to be first cared for, to have the best +seats, the places of distinction, and are entitled in all cases to your +courteous protection. + +Young ladies should avoid sauntering through an assembly-room alone; +they should either be accompanied by their guardian or a gentleman. + +Neither married nor young ladies should leave a ball-room assemblage, or +other party, unattended. The former should be accompanied by other +married ladies, and the latter by their mother or guardian. Of course, a +gentleman is a sufficient companion for either. + +Young ladies should avoid attempting to take part in a dance, +particularly a quadrille, unless they are familiar with the figures. +Besides rendering themselves awkward and confused, they are apt to +create ill-feeling, by interfering with, and annoying others. It were +better for them to forego the gratification of dancing than to risk the +chances of making themselves conspicuous, and the subject of +animadversion. As we have elsewhere said, modesty of deportment should +be the shining and preëminent characteristic of woman. She should be +modest in her attire, in language, in manners and general demeanor. +Beauty becomes irresistible when allied to this lodestone of attraction; +plainness of features is overlooked by it; even positive homeliness is +rendered agreeable by its influence. + +When a gentleman escorts a lady to a ball, he should dance with _her_ +first, or offer so to do; and it should be his care to see that she is +provided with a partner whenever she desires to dance. + +After dancing, a gentleman should invariably conduct a lady to a seat, +unless she otherwise desires; and, in fact, a lady should not be +unattended, at any time, in a public assembly. + +When you conduct your partner to her seat, thank her for the pleasure +she has conferred upon you, and do not remain too long conversing with +her. + +When that long and anxiously desiderated hour, the hour of supper, has +arrived, you hand the lady you attend up or down to the supper-table. +You remain with her while she is at the table, seeing that she has all +that she desires, and then conduct her back to the dancing-rooms. + +If, while walking up and down a public promenade, you should meet +friends or acquaintances whom you don't intend to join, it is only +necessary to salute them the first time of passing; to bow or nod to +them at every round would be tiresome, and therefore improper; have no +fear that they will deem you odd or unfriendly, as, if they have any +sense at all, they can appreciate your reasons. If you have anything to +say to them, join them at once. + +We have already alluded to the necessity of discarding all cant terms +and phrases from conversation, not only in assembly-rooms, but on all +occasions; and we would particularly caution our young lady friends +against even the recognition of those _équivoques_ and _double entendre_ +which the other sex sometimes inconsiderately, but oftener determinedly, +introduce. + +Neither by smiles nor blushes should they betray any knowledge of the +hidden meaning that lurks within a phrase of doubtful import, nor seem +to recognize anything which they could not with propriety openly make a +subject of discourse. All indelicate expressions should be to them as +the Sanscrit language is to most people, incomprehensible. All wanton +glances and grimaces, which are by libertines considered as but so many +invitations to lewdness, should be strictly shunned. + +No lady can be too fastidious in her conduct, or too guarded in her +actions. A bad reputation is almost as destructive of happiness to her +as absolute guilt; and of her character we may say with the poet: + + "A breath can make them, or a breath unmake." + +In dancing, generally, the performers of both sexes should endeavor to +wear a pleasant countenance; and in presenting hands, a slight +inclination of the head, in the manner of a salutation, is appropriate +and becoming. Dancing is certainly supposed to be an enjoyment, but the +sombre countenance of some who engage in it, might almost lead to the +belief that it were a solemn duty being performed. If those who laugh in +church would transfer their merriment to the assembly-room, and those +who are sad in the assembly-room would carry their gravity to the +church, they both might discover the appositeness of Solomon's +declaration, that "there is a time to be merry and a time to be sad." + +We have already alluded to the importance of a correct use of language +in conversation, and though we are aware that it is absolutely +impossible to practice it without a certain degree of education, yet we +would urge that the habit which many acquire, more through carelessness +than ignorance, of disregarding it, is worthy of consideration. Many a +young lady has lost a future husband by a wanton contempt for the rules +of Lindley Murray. + +Though hardly a case in point, we cannot forego the opportunity of +recording an incident in the career of a young man "about town," who, +anxious to see life in all its phases, was induced to attend a public +ball, the patrons of which were characterized more for their peculiarity +of manners than their extraordinary refinement. On being solicited by +an acquaintance, whom he respected for his kindness of heart and +integrity rather than for his mental accomplishments, to dance with his +daughter, he consented, and was accordingly introduced to a very +beautiful young lady. Ere the dance commenced, and while the musicians +were performing the "Anvil Chorus," from "Trovatore," the young lady +asked: "Do you know what that _'ere_ is?" + +Supposing that she meant _air_, and wishing to give her an opportunity +of making herself happy in the thought of imparting a valuable piece of +information, in utter disregard of the principles of Mrs. Opie, he +replied, "No." "Why," said she, "that's the Anvel Core-ri-ous." + +With an expletive more profane than polite, he suddenly found his +admiration for the lady as much diminished by her ignorance, as it had +before been exalted by her beauty. + +At private assemblies, it should be the effort of both ladies and +gentlemen to render themselves as agreeable as possible to all parties. +With this purpose in view, the latter should, therefore, avoid showing +marked preferences to particular ladies, either by devoting their +undivided attentions or dancing exclusively with them. Too often, the +belle of the evening, with no other charms than beauty of form and +feature, monopolizes the regards of a circle of admirers, while modest +merit, of less personal attraction, is both overlooked and neglected. We +honor the generous conduct of those, particularly the "well-favored," +who bestow their attentions on ladies who, from conscious lack of +beauty, least expect them. + +On the other hand, no lady, however numerous the solicitations of her +admirers, should consent to dance repeatedly, when, by so doing, she +excludes other ladies from participating in the same amusement; still +less, as we have elsewhere hinted, should she dance exclusively with +the same gentleman, to the disadvantage of others. + +Both ladies and gentlemen should be careful about introducing persons to +each other without being first satisfied that such a course will be +mutually agreeable. + +The custom, in this country, particularly among gentlemen, of +indiscriminate introductions, is carried to such a ridiculous extent, +that it has often been made the subject of comment by foreigners, who +can discover no possible advantage in being made acquainted with others +with whom they are not likely to associate for three minutes, in whom +they take not the slightest interest, and whom they probably will never +again encounter, nor recognize if they should. Besides, every one has a +right to exercise his own judgment and taste in the selection of +acquaintances, and it is clearly a breach of politeness to thrust them +upon your friend or associate, without knowing whether it will be +agreeable to either party. + + + + +EVENING PARTIES. + + +The etiquette of the ball-room being disposed of, let us now enter +slightly into that of an evening party. + +The invitations issued and accepted for an evening party will be written +in the same style as those already described for a dinner-party. They +should be sent out _at least_ three weeks before the day fixed for the +event, and should be replied to within a week of their receipt, +accepting or declining with regrets. By attending to these courtesies, +the guests will have time to consider their engagements and prepare +their dresses, and the hostess will also know what will be the number of +her party. + +A lady, invited to an evening party, may request a gentleman to +accompany her, even though he may not have received an invitation from +the hostess. + +In most of the American cities nine o'clock is the hour which custom has +established as the time for the lady to be in her parlor, ready to +receive her guests, and by ten o'clock all the guests should arrive. It +is an affectation, not entirely devoid of assumption and impudence, for +people to purposely delay their appearance till a very late hour. + +As the ladies and gentlemen arrive, each should be shown to a room +exclusively provided for their reception; and the gentleman conducts the +lady in his charge to the door of the ladies' dressing-room, while he +goes to the gentlemen's apartment, each to prepare their toilet +suitably to entering the reception-room. + +In the room set apart for the ladies, attendants should be in waiting to +assist in uncloaking, and helping to arrange the hair and toilet of +those who require it. + +After completing her toilet, the lady waits at the door of her +dressing-room till the gentleman joins her, and they make their _entrée_ +together. + +In large and formal parties, it is generally customary for the servant +to announce the names of the guests as they enter the room, but this is +a ceremony well enough dispensed with, except on occasions of very large +and formal parties. + +It is the business of the lady of the house to be near the door to +receive her guests; if she is not there, you need not go hunting through +the crowd after her. + +As the guests enter the room, it is not necessary for the lady of the +house to advance each time toward the door, but merely to rise from her +seat to receive their courtesies and congratulations. If, indeed, the +hostess wishes to show particular favor to some peculiarly honored +guests, she may introduce them to others, whose acquaintance she may +imagine will be especially suitable and agreeable. + +It is very often the practice of the gentleman of the house to introduce +one gentleman to another, but occasionally the lady performs this +office; when it will, of course, be polite for the persons thus +introduced to take their seats together for the time being. + +When entering a private ball or party, the visitor should invariably bow +to the company. No well-bred person would omit this courtesy in entering +a drawing-room; and although the entrance to a large assembly may be +unnoticed by all present, its observance is not the less necessary. It +is the thoughtless absence of good manners in large and mixed companies, +where a greater degree of studied politeness is indispensable, that +renders them sometimes so unpleasant. + +A separate room or convenient buffet should be appropriated for +refreshments, and to which the dancers may retire; and cakes and +biscuits, with lemonade, handed round. + +Of course a supper is provided at all private parties; and this +requires, on the part of the hostess, a great deal of attention and +supervision. It usually takes place between the first and second parts +of the programme of the dances, of which there should be several +prettily written or printed copies distributed about the room. + +It will be well for the hostess, even if she be very partial to the +amusement, and a graceful dancer, not to participate in it to any great +extent, lest her lady guests should have occasion to complain of her +monopoly of the gentlemen, and other causes of neglect. + +A few dances will suffice to show her interest in the entertainment, +without unduly trenching on the attention due to her guests. + +The hostess or host, during the progress of a party, will courteously +accost and chat with their friends, and take care that the ladies are +furnished with seats, and that those who wish to dance are provided with +partners. A gentle hint from the hostess, conveyed in a quiet ladylike +manner, that certain ladies have remained unengaged during several +dances, is sure not to be neglected by any gentleman. Thus will be +studied the comfort and enjoyment of the guests, and no lady, in leaving +the house, will be able to feel the chagrin and disappointment of not +having been invited to "stand up" in a dance during the whole evening. + +For any of the members, either sons or daughters, of the family at whose +house the party is given, to dance frequently or constantly, denotes +decided ill-breeding. The ladies of the house should not occupy those +places in a quadrille which others may wish to fill, and they should, +moreover, be at leisure to attend to the rest of the company; and the +gentlemen should be entertaining the married ladies and those who do not +dance. + +In private parties, a lady is not to refuse the invitation of a +gentleman to dance, unless she be previously engaged. The hostess must +be supposed to have asked to her house only those persons whom she knows +to be perfectly respectable and of unblemished character, as well as +pretty equal in position; and thus, to decline the offer of any +gentleman present, would be a tacit reflection on the gentleman or lady +of the house. + +If one lady refuses you, do not ask another who is seated near her to +dance the same set. Do not go immediately to another lady, but chat a +few moments with the one whom you first invited, and then join a group +or gentlemen friends for a few moments, before seeking another partner. + +In private parties, where dancing is the chief part of the evening's +entertainment, it is not in conformity with the rules of etiquette for a +young lady to dance with one gentleman repeatedly, to the exclusion of +all others who may solicit her hand, even though the favored individual +be her suitor. However complimentary to the lady, to be the recipient of +a gentleman's undivided attentions, or however gratifying it may be for +him to manifest his devotion to the lady of his choice, such a course is +an exhibition of selfishness which ought not to be displayed in an +assemblage of ladies and gentlemen who have congregated for mutual +enjoyment. + +It is not considered _comme il faut_ to ask a married lady to dance, +when her husband is present, without previously ascertaining whether it +be agreeable to him. + +Gentlemen will not get together in groups to the neglect of the ladies. + +The members of an invited family should never be seen conversing with +each other at a party. + +If you accompany your wife to a dancing party, be careful not to dance +with her, except perhaps the first set. + +Where there are no programmes, engagements should not be made until the +dance is announced. + +When the dance is over, the gentleman conducts his partner to her seat; +and, unless he chooses to sit beside her, bows and withdraws. + +While dancing, a lady should consider herself engaged to her partner, +and therefore not at liberty to hold a flirtation, between the figures, +with another gentleman; and should recollect that it is the gentleman's +part to lead her, and hers to follow his directions. + +In a circle, we should not pass before a lady; neither should we present +anything by extending the arm over her, but pass round behind and +present it. In case we cannot do it, we say, _I ask your pardon, etc_. + +In ascending a staircase with ladies, go at their side or before them. + +A correct ear for music does not pertain to every one, and those who are +deficient in this respect should refrain from dancing. Let not the +unpracticed dancer attempt quadrilles. A novice necessarily perplexes +and annoys a partner. On the other hand, nowhere perhaps has a kindly +disposition more pleasing opportunities of conferring small benefits +than in a ball-room. Those who are expert in dancing may gently apprise +the unskillful of an error, and this without giving the slightest +offense, or seeming to dictate; while such as dance well, and are +solicited to dance, should carefully avoid speaking of it. They ought +rather to seek to contribute to less fortunate persons a full share in +the evening's amusement. A lady may do this by gently hinting to a +gentleman who solicits her hand for another dance, that such a lady has +remained unengaged. No gentleman will neglect such a suggestion. + +There is a custom which is sometimes practiced both in the assembly room +and at private parties, which cannot be too strongly reprehended; we +allude to the habit of ridicule and ungenerous criticism of those who +are ungraceful or otherwise obnoxious to censure, which is indulged in +by the thoughtless, particularly among the dancers. Of its gross +impropriety and vulgarity we need hardly express an opinion; but there +is such an utter disregard for the feelings of others implied in this +kind of negative censorship, that we cannot forbear to warn our young +readers to avoid it. The "Koran" says: "Do not mock--the mocked may be +better than the mocker." Those you condemn may not have had the same +advantages as yourself in acquiring grace or dignity, while they may be +infinitely superior in purity of heart and mental accomplishments. The +advice of Chesterfield to his son, in his commerce with society, to _do +as you would be done by_, is founded on the Christian precept, and +worthy of commendation. Imagine yourself the victim of another's +ridicule, and you will cease to indulge in a pastime which only gains +for you the hatred of those you satirize, if they chance to observe you, +and the contempt of others who have noticed your violation of +politeness, and abuse of true sociality. + +We conclude our strictures on this subject with the following passage +from the essays of Addison: "But what an absurd thing it is, to pass +over all the valuable characteristics of individuals, and fix our +attention on their infirmities--to observe their imperfections more than +their virtues--and to make use of them for the sport of others, rather +than for our own improvement." + +In whatever relation with the fair sex, and under whatsoever +circumstances, it is the duty--we may add, the practice--of a gentleman +to so deport himself as to avoid giving any cause of offense. + +In private parties, where people meet for the pleasure of conversation, +remember occasionally to change your place. Opportunities will readily +occur, such, for instance, as the opening of a portfolio of prints, or +the showing of any article of taste or science. You will thus avoid the +awkwardness of being either left alone, or constraining the master or +mistress of the house to commiserate your isolated condition. + +If you are asked by the lady of the house, at an evening party, to sing, +and you can really do so well, comply at once; but never sing at the +request of another person. If you cannot or do not choose to sing, say +so at once with seriousness and gravity, and put an end to the +expectation promptly. After singing once or twice, cease and give place +to others. + +When singing or playing is going on, if you have no taste for music, you +should still be profoundly silent. To converse, is annoying to the rest +of the company, rude to the mistress of the house, and cruel to the +performer. + +Carefully avoid all peculiarities of manner; and every wish to show off, +or to absorb conversation to yourself. Be also very careful not to +appear to be wiser than the company. If a fact in history is mentioned, +even if it be not quite correct, do not set the narrator right, unless +in a very delicate and submissive manner. If an engraving of distant +scenery or foreign buildings is shown, do not industriously point out +inaccuracies. It may be that such occur, but finding fault is never +acceptable; it conveys a censure on the taste or information of the +possessor; or it suggests that he has been imposed upon--an idea which +is always productive of mortification. Such attempts to appear wiser +than the rest of the company, interfere with the pleasure of the party, +and the person who falls into them is never long acceptable. + +People sometimes say, that they are not invited to parties; they +complain of neglect, and are out of humor with the world. Let such +persons consider whether they have not brought upon themselves the +neglect which they deplore. + +Should the guests be numerous, and the space scarcely sufficient for +their accommodation, it would be considered extremely ill-bred to take a +place previously engaged; or, when joining a country dance, to push in +at the middle or upper end. You must take your station below the last +couple who are standing up. + +If there be a supper, the gentleman should conduct to the supper-room +his last partner, unless he have a prior engagement, or is asked by the +host to do otherwise. In the latter case, he should provide his partner +with a substitute, at the same time making a handsome apology. + +No gentleman should offer his services to conduct a lady home, without +being acquainted with her, unless he have been requested so to do by the +host. + +When any of the carriages of the guests are announced, or the time for +their departure arrived, they should make a slight intimation to the +hostess, without, however, exciting any observation, that they are about +to depart. If this cannot be done without creating too much bustle, it +will be better for the visitors to retire quietly without saying +good-night, for when people are seen to be leaving, it often breaks up +the party. An opportunity, however, may previously be sought of +intimating to the hostess your intention to retire, which is more +respectful. + +During the course of the week, the hostess will expect to receive from +every guest a call, where it is possible, or cards expressing the +gratification experienced from her entertainment. This attention is due +to every lady for the pains and trouble she has been at, and tends to +promote social, kindly feelings. + + + + +VISITING. + + +Next in order to the ceremonials of dinner or evening parties, are +customary calls, comprised under the general head of visiting. They are +those of ceremony, friendship, or condolence, and occupy no small +portion of time. + +Such visits are necessary, in order to maintain good feeling between the +members of society; they are required by the custom of the age in which +we live, and must be carefully attended to. + +First, then, are visits of ceremony, merging occasionally into those of +friendship, but uniformly required after dining at a friend's house. +Professional men are not however, in general, expected to pay such +visits, because their time is preoccupied; but they form almost the only +exception. + +Visits of ceremony must be necessarily short. They should on no account +be made before the hour, nor yet during the time of luncheon. Persons +who intrude themselves at unwonted hours are never welcome; the lady of +the house does not like to be disturbed when she is perhaps dining with +her children; and the servants justly complain of being interrupted at +the hour when they assemble for their noon-day meal. Ascertain, +therefore, which you can readily do, what is the family hour for +luncheon, and act accordingly. + +Half an hour amply suffices for a visit of ceremony. If the visitor be a +lady, she may remove her victorine, but on no account either the shawl +or bonnet, even if politely requested to do so by the mistress of the +house. Some trouble is necessarily required in replacing them, and this +ought to be avoided. If, however, your visit of ceremony is to a +particular friend, the case is different; but even then, it is best to +wait till you are invited to do so; and when you rise for the purpose +the lady of the house will assist you. + +Favorite dogs are never welcome visitors in a drawing-room. Many people +have even a dislike to such animals. They require watching, lest they +should leap upon a chair or sofa, or place themselves upon a lady's +dress, and attentions of this kind are much out of place. Neither ought +a mother, when paying a ceremonial visit, to be accompanied by young +children. It is frequently difficult to amuse them, and, if not +particularly well trained at home, they naturally seize hold of books, +or those ornaments with which it is fashionable to decorate a +drawing-room. The lady of the house trembles for the fate of a beautiful +shell, or vase, or costly book. She does not like to express her +uneasiness, and yet knows not how to refrain. Therefore leave the +children at home; or, if they accompany you in the carriage, let them +remain till your visit is over. If you have an infant, the nurse may +await your return, or be left in an ante-room, unless a decided request +be made to the contrary. + +If during your short visit the conversation begins to flag, it will be +best to retire. The lady of the house may have some engagement at a +fixed hour, and by remaining even a few minutes longer, she may be put +to serious inconvenience. Do not, however, seem to notice any silent +hint, by rising hastily; but take leave with quiet politeness, as if +your time were fully expired. When other visitors are announced, retire +as soon as possible, and yet without letting it appear that their +arrival is the cause. Wait till the bustle of their entrance is over, +and then rise from your chair, take leave of the hostess, and bow +politely to the guests. By so doing you will save the lady of the house +from being obliged to entertain two sets of visitors. + +Should you call by chance at an inconvenient hour, when perhaps the lady +is going out, or sitting down to luncheon, retire as soon as possible, +even if politely asked to remain. You need not let it appear that you +feel yourself an intruder; every well-bred or even good-tempered person +knows what to say on such an occasion; but politely withdraw, with a +promise to call again, if the lady seems to be really disappointed. + +If your acquaintance or friend is from home, leave a card,[1] whether +you call in a carriage or not. If in the latter, the servant will answer +your inquiry, and receive your card; but on no account ask leave to go +in and rest; neither urge your wish if you fancy that the lady whom you +desire to see is really at home, or even if you flatter yourself that +she would make an exception in your favor. Some people think that the +form of words, "Not at home," is readily understood to mean that the +master or mistress of the house have no wish to see even his or her most +intimate friends. However this may be, take care that you do not attempt +to effect an entrance. + + [1] When the caller is about to leave the city for a protracted + absence, it is usual to put the letters P. P. C. in the left + hand corner of the card; they are the initials of the French + phrase, "_pour prendre congé_"--to take leave, and may with + equal propriety stand for _presents parting compliments_. + +Visits of courtesy or ceremony are uniformly paid at Christmas, or at +the commencement of a new year, independently of family parties; a good +old custom, the observance of which is always pleasing, and which should +be carefully attended to. It is uniformly right to call on patrons, or +those from whom kindness has been received. + +In visiting your intimate friends, ceremony may generally be dispensed +with. + +Keep a strict account of your ceremonial visits. This is needful, +because time passes rapidly; and take note how soon your calls are +returned. You will thus be able, in most cases, to form an opinion +whether or not your frequent visits are desired. Instances may however +occur, when, in consequence of age or ill health, it is desirable that +you should call, without any reference to your visits being returned. +When desirous to act thus, remember that, if possible, nothing should +interrupt the discharge of this duty. + +Among relations and intimate friends, visits of mere ceremony are +unnecessary. It is, however, needful to call at suitable times, and to +avoid staying too long if your friend is engaged. The courtesies of +society, as already noticed, must ever be maintained, even in the +domestic circle, or among the nearest friends. + +In leaving cards you must thus distribute them: one for the lady of the +house and her daughters--the latter are sometimes represented by turning +up the edge of the card--one for the master of the house, and if there +be a grown up son or a near male relation staying in the house, one for +him. But though cards are cheap, you must never leave more than three at +a time at the same house. As married men have, or are supposed to have, +too much to do to make ceremonial calls, it is the custom for a wife to +take her husband's cards with her and to leave one or two of them with +her own. If, on your inquiring for the lady of the house, the servant +replies, "Mrs. So-and-so is not at home, but Miss So-and-so is," you +should leave a card, because young ladies do not receive calls from +gentlemen unless they are very intimate with them, or have passed the +rubicon of thirty summers. It must be remembered, too, that where there +is a lady of the house, your call is to her, not to her husband, except +on business. + +Morning calls may be divided into three heads: Those paid at the time +already specified; weekly visits to intimate friends, or by young +persons to those advanced in life; and monthly visits, which are +generally ceremonious. + +With respect to the first, be very careful that you do not acquire the +character of a _day goblin_. A day goblin is one of those persons who, +having plenty of leisure, and a great desire to hear themselves talk, +make frequent inroads into their friends' houses. Though perhaps well +acquainted with the rules of etiquette, they call at the most +unseasonable hours. If the habits of the family are early, you will find +them in the drawing-room at eleven o'clock. It may be they are agreeable +and well-informed people; but who wishes for calls at such a strange +hour! Most families have their rules and occupations. In one, the lady +of the house attends to the education of her children; in another, +domestic affairs engross a portion of the morning; some ladies are fond +of gardening, others of music or painting. It is past endurance to have +such pursuits broken in upon for the sake of a day goblin, who, having +gained access, inflicts his or her presence till nearly luncheon time, +and then goes off with saying, "Well, I have paid you a long visit;" or +"I hope that I have not stayed too long." + +A well-bred person always receives visitors at whatever time they may +call, or whoever they may be; but if you are occupied and cannot afford +to be interrupted by a mere ceremony, you should instruct the servant +_beforehand_ to say that you are "not at home." This form has often been +denounced as a falsehood, but a lie is no lie unless intended to +deceive; and since the words are universally understood to mean that you +are engaged, it can be no harm to give such an order to a servant. But, +on the other hand, if the servant once admits a visitor within the +hall, you should receive him at any inconvenience to yourself. A lady +should never keep a visitor waiting more than a minute, or two at the +most, and if she cannot avoid doing so, must apologize on entering the +drawing-room. + +In good society, a visitor, unless he is a complete stranger, does not +wait to be invited to sit down, but takes a seat at once easily. A +gentleman should never take the principal place in the room, nor, on the +other hand, sit at an inconvenient distance from the lady of the house. +He must hold his hat gracefully, not put it on a chair or table, or, if +he wants to use both hands, must place it on the floor close to his +chair. A well-bred lady, who is receiving two or three visitors at a +time, pays equal attention to all, and attempts, as much as possible, to +generalize the conversation, turning to all in succession. The last +arrival, however, receives a little more attention at first than the +others, and the latter, to spare her embarrasment, should leave as soon +as convenient. People who out-sit two or three parties of visitors, +unless they have some particular motive for doing so, come under the +denomination of "bores." A "bore" is a person who does not know when you +have had enough of his or her company. + +Be cautious how you take an intimate friend _uninvited_ even to the +house of those with whom you may be equally intimate, as there is always +a feeling of jealousy that another should share your thoughts and +feelings to the same extent as themselves, although good breeding will +induce them to behave _civilly_ to your friend on your account. + +Ladies in the present day are allowed considerable license in paying and +receiving visits; subject, however, to certain rules, which it is +needful to define. + +Young married ladies may visit their acquaintances alone; but they may +not appear in any public places unattended by their husbands or elder +ladies. This rule must never be infringed, whether as regards +exhibitions, or public libraries, museums, or promenades; but a young +married lady is at liberty to walk with her friends of the same age, +whether married or single. Gentlemen are permitted to call on married +ladies at their own houses. Such calls the usages of society permit, but +never without the knowledge and full permission of husbands. + +Ladies may walk unattended in the streets, being careful to pass on as +becomes their station--neither with a hurried pace, nor yet affecting to +move slowly. Shop-windows, in New York especially, afford great +attractions; but it is by no means desirable to be seen standing before +them, and most assuredly not alone. Be careful never to look back, nor +to observe too narrowly the dresses of such ladies as may pass you. +Should any one venture to address you, take no heed, seem not to hear, +but hasten your steps. Be careful to reach home in good time. Let +nothing ever induce you to be out after dusk, or when the lamps are +lighted. Nothing but unavoidable necessity can sanction such acts of +impropriety. + +Lastly, a lady never calls on a gentleman, unless professionally or +officially. It is not only ill-bred, but positively improper to do so. +At the same time, there is a certain privilege in age, which makes it +possible for an old bachelor like myself to receive a visit from any +married lady whom I know very intimately, but such a call would +certainly not be one of ceremony, and always presupposes a desire to +consult me on some point or other. I should be guilty of shameful +treachery, however, if I told any one that I had received such a visit, +while I should certainly expect that my fair caller would let her +husband know of it. + +When morning visitors are announced, rise and advance toward them. If a +lady enters, request her to be seated on a sofa; but if advanced in +life, or the visitor be an elderly gentleman, insist on their accepting +an easy chair, and place yourself, by them. If several ladies arrive at +the same time, pay due respect to age and rank, and seat them in the +most honorable places; these, in winter, are beside the fire. + +Supposing that a young lady occupies such a seat, and a lady older than +herself, or superior in condition, enters the room, she must rise +immediately, and having courteously offered her place to the new comer, +take another in a different part of the room. + +If a lady is engaged with her needle when a visitor arrives, she ought +to discontinue her work, unless requested to do otherwise: and not even +then must it be resumed, unless on very intimate terms with her +acquaintance. When this, however, is the case, the hostess may herself +request permission to do so. To continue working during a visit of +ceremony would be extremely discourteous; and we cannot avoid hinting to +our lady readers, that even when a particular friend is present for only +a short time, it is somewhat inconsistent with etiquette to keep their +eyes fixed on a crochet or knitting-book, apparently engaged in counting +stitches, or unfolding the intricacies of a pattern. We have seen this +done, and are, therefore, careful to warn them on the subject. There are +many kinds of light and elegant, and even useful work, which do not +require close attention, and may be profitably pursued; and such we +recommend to be always on the work-table at those hours which, according +to established practice, are given to social intercourse. + +It is generally customary in the country to offer refreshment to morning +visitors. If they come from a considerable distance, and are on intimate +terms, hospitality requires that you should invite them to take +luncheon. In town it is otherwise, and you are not expected to render +any courtesy of the kind, except to aged or feeble persons, or to some +one who, perhaps, is in affliction, and to whom the utmost kindliness +should be shown. + +When your visitor is about to take leave, rise, and accompany her to the +door, mindful, at the same time, that the bell is rung, in order that a +servant may be in attendance. If the master of the house is present, and +a lady is just going away, he must offer her his arm, and lead her to +the hall or passage door. If her carriage be in waiting, he will, of +course, hand her into it. These attentions are slight, and some persons +may think they are scarcely worth noticing. Nevertheless, they are +important, and we are the more earnest to press them on the attention of +our readers, because we have witnessed the omission of such acts of +courtesy in families where a very different mode of conduct might be +expected. + +And here, turning aside for a brief space from the subject-matter of our +discourse, we desire earnestly to impress upon mothers who have sons +growing up, the great importance of early imbuing them with the +principles of true politeness, and consequent attention to its most +trifling observances. What matters it if a tall lad pushes into a room +before one of his mother's visitors; or, if he chance to see her going +into church, instead of holding the door in a gentlemanly manner, he +lets it swing in her face when he has himself entered; or whether he +comes into the drawing-room with his hat on, unobservant of lady +visitors, or lolls in an arm-chair reading the newspaper? + +"What signifies it?" some will say--"why tease a youth about such +matters? He will learn manners as he grows up." We think otherwise, and +do not scruple to affirm, that he can never learn real gentlemanly +politeness from any one but his mother. The neglect of small courtesies +in early life, and the outward or mental boorishness to which it leads, +has been, to our certain knowledge, a more fruitful source of +wretchedness in many homes, than we have either time or inclination to +relate. + +In this changing world, visits of condolence must be also occasionally +paid; and concerning such, a few necessary rules may be briefly stated. + +Visits of condolence should be paid within a week after the event which +occasions them; but if the acquaintance be slight, immediately after the +family appear at public worship. A card should be sent up; and if your +friends are able to receive you, let your manners and conversation be in +harmony with the character of your visit. It is courteous to send up a +mourning card; and for ladies to make their calls in black silk or +plain-colored apparel. It denotes that they sympathize with the +afflictions of the family; and such attentions are always pleasing. + +Gentlemen will do well to bear in mind that, when they pay morning +calls, they must carry their hats with them into the drawing-room; but +on no account put them on the chairs or table. There is a graceful +manner of holding a hat, which every well-bred man understands. + +When calling upon a friend who is boarding, do not go up till the +servant returns with an invitation; and never enter a room without +previously knocking at the door, and receiving an invitation to come in. +Such observances are indispensable, even between the nearest friends. + +A gentleman when calling upon a lady, and finding that one of her lady +friends is with her, must rise when the visitor takes her leave, and +accompany her to the hall door; or if she has a carriage, he should hand +her into it--supposing, however, that no gentleman related to the +mistress of the house be present. If your visit has been of sufficient +length, you can take your leave when accompanying the lady out of the +room. + +It happens occasionally that two persons are visiting different members +of the same family. When this occurs, and one visitor takes leave, the +lady or gentleman whose visitor has just left should remain in the +drawing-room. It is considered discourteous to do otherwise. + +In most families in this country, evening calls are the most usual. +Should you chance to visit a family, and find that they have a party, +present yourself, and converse for a few minutes with an unembarrassed +air; after which you may retire, unless urged to remain. A slight +invitation, given for the sake of courtesy, ought not to be accepted. +Make no apology for your unintentional intrusion; but let it be known, +in the course of a few days, that you were not aware that your friends +had company. + +An excellent custom prevails in some families of inviting their guests +for a given period. Thus, for example, an invitation is sent, stating +that a friend's company is requested on a certain day, mentioning also +for what length of time, and if a carriage cannot be offered to meet the +visitor, stating expressly the best mode of coming and going. We +recommend this admirable plan to the master and mistress of every +dwelling which is sufficiently capacious to admit of receiving an +occasional guest. A young lady is perhaps invited to spend a little time +in the country, but she cannot possibly understand whether the +invitation extends to a few days, or a week, or a month, and +consequently is much puzzled with regard to the arrangement of her +wardrobe. Domestic consultations are held; the letter is read over and +over again; every one gives a different opinion, and when the visit is +entered upon, somewhat of its pleasure is marred through the +embarrassment occasioned by not knowing when to propose taking leave. + +In receiving guests, your first object should be to make them feel at +home. Begging them to make themselves at home is not sufficient. You +should display a genuine unaffected friendliness. Whether you are +mistress of a mansion or a cottage, and invite a friend to share your +hospitality, you must endeavor, by every possible means, to render the +visit agreeable. This should be done without apparent effort, that the +visitor may feel herself to be a partaker in your home enjoyments, +instead of finding that you put yourself out of the way to procure +extraneous pleasures. It is right and proper that you seek to make the +time pass lightly; but if, on the other hand, you let a visitor perceive +that the whole tenor of your daily concerns is altered on her account, a +degree of depression will be felt, and the pleasant anticipations which +she most probably entertained will fail to be realized. Let your friend +be assured, from your manner, that her presence is a real enjoyment to +you--an incentive to recreations which otherwise would not be thought of +in the common routine of life. Observe your own feelings when you happen +to be the guest of a person who, though he may be very much your friend, +and really glad to see you, seems not to know what to do either with you +or himself; and again, when in the house of another you feel as much at +ease as in your own. Mark the difference, more easily felt than +described, between the manners of the two, and deduce therefrom a lesson +for your own improvement. + +If you have guests in your house, you are to appear to feel that they +are all equal for the time, for they all have an equal claim upon your +courtesies. Those of the humblest condition will receive _full as much +attention_ as the rest, in order that you shall not painfully make them +feel their inferiority. + +Always avoid the foolish practice of deprecating your own rooms, +furniture, or viands, and expressing regrets that you have nothing +better to offer. Neither should you go to the other extreme of extolling +any particular thing or article of food. The best way is to say nothing +about these matters. Neither is it proper to urge guests to eat, or to +load their plates against their inclinations. + +Endeavor to retain your friends as long as they like to prolong their +visit. When they intimate an intention to leave you, if you really +desire their continuance somewhat longer, frankly say so. Should they, +however, have fixed the time, and cannot prolong their stay, facilitate +their going by every means in your power; and, while you kindly invite +them to renew their visit, point out to them any places of interest on +the road, and furnish such information as you possess. + +If invited to spend a few days at a friend's house, conform as much as +possible to the habits of the family. When parting for the night, +inquire respecting the breakfast hour, and ascertain at what time the +family meet for prayers. If this right custom prevails, be sure to be in +time; and obtain any necessary information from the servant who waits +upon you. Give as little trouble as possible; and never think of +apologizing for the extra trouble which your visit occasions. Such an +apology implies that your friend cannot conveniently entertain you. Your +own good sense and delicacy will teach you the desirability of keeping +your room tidy, and your articles of dress and toilet as much in order +as possible. If there is a deficiency of servants, a lady will certainly +not hesitate to make her own bed and to do for herself as much as +possible, and for the family all that is in her power. + +We presume that few people will leave a friend's house without some +expression of regret, and some acknowledgment proffered for the pleasure +that has been afforded them. Instances to the contrary have come within +our knowledge, and therefore we remind our youthful readers especially, +that this small act of politeness is indispensable, not in the form of a +set speech, but by a natural flowing forth of right feeling. It is also +proper, on returning home, to inform your friends of your safe arrival; +the sense which you entertain of their hospitality, and the +gratification derived from your visit, may be also gracefully alluded +to. + +The chain which binds society together is formed of innumerable links. +Let it be your part to keep those links uniformly bright; and to see +that neither dust nor rust accumulate upon them. + + + + +STREET ETIQUETTE. + + +The books of etiquette tell you, that if you have been introduced to a +lady and you afterward meet her in the street, you must not bow to her +unless she bow first, in order, as the books say, that she may have an +opportunity to cut you if she does not wish to continue the +acquaintance. This is the English fashion. But on the continent of +Europe the rule is reversed, and no lady, however intimate you may be +with her, will acknowledge you in the street unless you first honor her +with a bow of recognition. But the American fashion is not like either +of them. For here the really well-bred man always politely and +respectfully bows to every lady he knows, and, if she is a well-bred +woman, she acknowledges the respect paid her. If she expects no further +acquaintance, her bow is a mere formal, but _always respectful_, +recognition of the good manners which have been shown her, and no +gentleman ever takes advantage of such politeness to push a further +acquaintance uninvited. But why should a lady and gentleman, who know +who each other are, scornfully and doggedly pass each other in the +streets as though they were enemies? There is no good reason for such +_impoliteness_, in the practice of politeness. As compared with the +English, the French or continental fashion is certainly more consonant +with the rules of good breeding. But the American rule is better than +either, for it is based upon the acknowledged general principle, that it +is every gentleman's and lady's duty to be polite in all places. Unless +parties have done something to forfeit the respect dictated by the +common rules of politeness, there should be no deviation from this +practice. It is a ridiculous idea that we are to practice ill-manners in +the name of etiquette. + +While walking the street no one should be so absent-minded as to neglect +to recognize his friends. If you do not stop, you should always bow, +touch your hat, or bid your friend good day. If you stop, you can offer +your hand without removing your glove. If you stop to talk, retire on +one side of the walk. If your friend has a stranger with him and you +have anything to say, you should apologize to the stranger. Never leave +your friend abruptly to see another person without asking him to excuse +your departure. If you meet a gentleman of your acquaintance walking +with a lady whom you do not know, lift your hat as you salute them. If +you know the lady, you should salute her first. + +Never _nod_ to a lady in the street, neither be satisfied with touching +your hat, _but take it off_--it is a courtesy her sex demands. + +A gentleman should never omit a punctilious observance of the rules of +politeness to his recognized acquaintances, from an apprehension that he +will not be met with reciprocal marks of respect. For instance, he +should not refuse to raise his hat to an acquaintance who is accompanied +by a lady, lest her escort should, from ignorance or stolidity, return +his polite salutation with a nod of the head. It is better not to see +him, than to set the example of a rude and indecorous salutation. In all +such cases, and in all cases, he who is most courteous has the +advantage, and should never feel that he has made a humiliating +sacrifice of his personal dignity. It is for the party whose behavior +has been boorish to have a consciousness of inferiority. + +A gentleman meeting a lady acquaintance on the street, should not +presume to join her in her walk without ascertaining that his company +would be entirely agreeable. It might be otherwise, and she should +frankly say so. A married lady usually leans upon the arm of her +husband; but single ladies do not, in the day, take the arm of a +gentleman, unless they are willing to acknowledge an engagement. +Gentlemen always give place to ladies, and gentlemen accompanying +ladies, in crossing the street. + +If you have anything to say to a lady whom you may happen to meet in the +street, however intimate you may be, do not stop her, but turn round and +walk in company; you can take leave at the end of the street. + +When you are passing in the street, and see coming toward you a person +of your acquaintance, whether a lady or an elderly person, you should +offer them the wall, that is to say, the side next the houses. If a +carriage should happen to stop in such a manner as to leave only a +narrow passage between it and the houses, beware of elbowing and rudely +crowding the passengers, with a view to get by more expeditiously; wait +your turn, and if any of the persons before mentioned come up, you +should edge up to the wall, in order to give them the place. They also, +as they pass, should bow politely to you. + +If stormy weather has made it necessary to lay a plank across the +gutter, which has become suddenly filled with water, it is not proper +to crowd before another, in order to pass over the frail bridge. + +In walking with a lady, it is customary to give her the right arm; but +where circumstances render it more convenient to give her the left, it +may properly be done. If you are walking with a lady on a crowded street +like Broadway, by all means give her the outside, as that will prevent +her from being perpetually jostled and run against by the hurrying +crowd. + +You should offer your arm to a lady with whom you are walking whenever +her safety, comfort, or convenience may seem to require such attention +on your part. At night your arm should always be tendered, and also when +ascending the steps of a public building. In walking with any person you +should keep step with military precision, and with ladies and elderly +people you should always accommodate your speed to theirs. + +If a lady with whom you are walking receives the salute of a person who +is a stranger to you, you should return it, not for yourself, but for +her. + +When a lady whom you accompany wishes to enter a store, you should hold +the door open and allow her to enter first, if practicable; for you must +never pass before a lady anywhere, if you can avoid it, or without an +apology. + +In England, it is a mark of low breeding to smoke in the streets. But in +America the rule does not hold to quite that extent; though, even here, +it is not often that you catch "a gentleman of the strictest sect," in +the street with a cigar or pipe in his mouth. For a man to go into the +street with a lady on his arm and a cigar in his mouth is a shocking +sight, which no gentleman will ever be guilty of exhibiting; for he +inevitably subjects the woman to the very worst of suspicions. + +Avoid the disgusting habit of spitting. + +No gentleman will stand in the doors of hotels, nor on the corners of +the streets, gazing impertinently at the ladies as they pass. That is +such an unmistakable sign of a loafer, that one can hardly imagine a +well-bred man doing such a thing. + +Never offer to shake hands with a lady in the street if you have on dark +gloves, as you may soil her white ones. If you meet a lady friend with +whom you wish to converse, you must not stop, but turn and walk along +with her; and should she be walking with a gentleman, first assure +yourself that you are not intruding before you attempt to join the two +in their walk. + +After twilight, a young lady would not be conducting herself in a +becoming manner, by walking alone; and if she passes the evening with +any one, she ought, beforehand, to provide some one to come for her at a +stated hour; but if this is not practicable, she should politely ask of +the person whom she is visiting, to permit a servant to accompany her. +But, however much this may be considered proper, and consequently an +obligation, a married lady, well educated, will disregard it if +circumstances prevent her being able, without trouble, to find a +conductor. + +If the host wishes to accompany you himself, you must excuse yourself +politely for giving him so much trouble, but finish, however, by +accepting. On arriving at your house, you should offer him your thanks. +In order to avoid these two inconveniences, it will be well to request +your husband, or some one of your relatives, to come and wait upon you; +you will, in this way, avoid all inconveniences, and be entirely free +from that harsh criticism which is sometimes indulged in, especially in +small towns, concerning even the most innocent acts. + +If, when on your way to fulfill an engagement, a friend stops you in the +street, you may, without committing any breach of etiquette, tell him of +your appointment, and release yourself from a long talk, but do so in a +courteous manner, expressing regret for the necessity. + +In inquiring for goods at a shop or store, do not say, I want so and so, +but say to the shopman--Show me such or such an article, if you +please--or use some other polite form of address. If you are obliged to +examine a number of articles before you are suited, apologize to the +shopkeeper for the trouble you give him. If, after all, you cannot suit +yourself, renew your apologies when you go away. If you make only small +purchases, say to him--I am sorry for having troubled you for so +trifling a thing. + +You need not stop to pull off your glove to shake hands with a lady or +gentleman. If it is warm weather it is more agreeable to both parties +that the glove should be on--especially if it is a lady with whom you +shake hands, as the perspiration of your bare hand would be very likely +to soil her glove. + +If a lady addresses an inquiry to a gentleman on the street, he will +lift his hat, or at least touch it respectfully, as he replies. If he +cannot give the information required, he will express his regrets. + +When tripping over the pavement, a lady should gracefully raise her +dress a little above her ankle. With her right hand she should hold +together the folds of her gown and draw them toward the right side. To +raise the dress on both sides, and with both hands, is vulgar. This +ungraceful practice can be tolerated only for a moment when the mud is +very deep. + +Most American ladies in our cities wear too rich and expensive dresses +in the street. Some, indeed, will sweep the side-walks with costly +stuffs only fit for a drawing-room or a carriage. This is in bad taste, +and is what ill-natured people would term snobbish. + + + + +TRAVELING. + + +As a general rule, travelers are selfish. They pay little attention +either to the comforts or distresses of their fellow-travelers; and the +commonest observances of politeness are often sadly neglected by them. +In the scramble for tickets, for seats, for state-rooms, or for places +at a public table, the courtesies of life seem to be trampled under +foot. Even the ladies are sometimes rudely treated and shamefully +neglected in the headlong rush for desirable seats in the railway cars. +To see the behavior of American people on their travels, one would +suppose that we were anything but a refined nation; and I have often +wondered whether a majority of our travelers could really make a decent +appearance in social society. + +When you are traveling, it is no excuse that because others outrage +decency and propriety you should follow their example, and fight them +with their own weapons. A rush and scramble at the railway ticket office +is always unnecessary. The cars will not leave until every passenger is +aboard, and if you have ladies with you, you can easily secure your +seats and afterward procure the tickets at leisure. But suppose you do +lose a favorite seat by your moderation! Is it not better to suffer a +little inconvenience than to show yourself decidedly vulgar? Go to the +cars half an hour before they start, and you will avoid all trouble of +this kind. + +When seated, or about to seat yourself in the cars, never allow +considerations of personal comfort or convenience to cause you to +disregard the rights of fellow-travelers, or forget the respectful +courtesy due to woman. The pleasantest or most comfortable seats belong +to the ladies, and you should never refuse to resign such seats to them +with a cheerful politeness. Sometimes a gentleman will go through a car +and choose his seat, and afterward vacate it to procure his ticket, +leaving his overcoat or carpet bag to show that the seat is taken. +Always respect this token, and never seize upon a seat thus secured, +without leave, even though you may want it for a lady. It is not always +necessary for a gentleman to rise after he has seated himself and offer +his seat to a lady, particularly if the lady is accompanied by another +gentleman; for there may still be eligible vacant seats in the cars. But +should you see a lady come alone, and if the seats in the car all appear +to be filled, do not hesitate to offer her yours, if you have no ladies +in your company. And should a lady motion to seat herself beside you, +rise at once and offer her the choice of the two seats. These are but +common courtesies that every well-bred man will at all times cheerfully +offer to the other sex. + +Making acquaintances in the cars, although correct enough, is a measure +of which travelers generally appear to be very shy. There is no reason +for this, as acquaintances thus picked up need never be recognized again +unless you please. If a stranger speaks to you, always answer him +politely, and if his conversation proves disagreeable, you have no +alternative but to change your seat. + +In steamers do not make a rush for the supper table, or make a glutton +of yourself when you get there. Never fail to offer your seat on deck to +a lady, if the seats all appear to be occupied, and always meet half way +any fellow-passenger who wishes to enter into conversation with you. +Some travelers are so exclusive that they consider it a presumption on +the part of a stranger to address them; but such people are generally +foolish, and of no account. Sociable intercourse while traveling is one +of its main attractions. Who would care about sitting and moping for a +dozen of hours on board a steamer without exchanging a word with +anybody? and this must be the fate of the exclusives when they travel +alone. Even ladies, who run greater risks in forming steamboat +acquaintances than the men, are allowed the greatest privileges in that +respect. It might not be exactly correct for a lady to make a speaking +acquaintance of a gentleman; but she may address or question him for the +time being without impropriety. + +Fellow-passengers, whether on a steamboat or in the cars, should at all +times be sociable and obliging to one another. Those who are the reverse +of this may be set down either as selfish, foolish, or conceited. + +In the cars you have no right to keep a window open for your +accommodation, if the current of air thus produced annoys or endangers +the health of another. There are a sufficient number of discomforts in +traveling, at best, and it should be the aim of each passenger to lessen +them as much as possible, and to cheerfully bear his own part. Life is a +journey, and we are all fellow-travelers. + +If in riding in an omnibus, or crossing a ferry with a friend, he wishes +to pay for you, never insist upon paying for yourself or for both. If he +is before you, let the matter pass without remark. + + + + +MARRIAGE. + + +In speaking of marriage, it is not merely with reference to its social +importance, but as regards certain observances, concerning which no work +on Etiquette has yet given any explicit rules. + +First, then, with respect to the preliminary subject of courtship. That +unseen monitor, who has already suggested many points for consideration +to lady readers, would now say to them: Before you admit the attentions +of a gentleman who wishes to pay you his addresses, very carefully +examine your respective tastes and dispositions; and settle in your own +mind what are the most important requisites of happiness in a married +state. With this view, you must enter upon the consideration of the +subject with a calm and decisive spirit, which will enable you to see +where your true happiness lies, and to pursue it with determined +resolution. In matters of business, follow the advice of such as are +able to guide you; and as regards the subject of marriage, turn not away +from the counsel of those who are appointed to watch over and direct +you. + +If a gentleman gives you reason to believe that he wishes to engage your +affections, seek the advice of your parents, that they may gain for you +every necessary particular with regard to his morals and disposition, +and means of suitably providing for you. If, unhappily, death has +deprived you of parents, ask counsel of some one who will care for you, +and on whose friendship you can rely. Remember that you have little +knowledge of the world, and that your judgment has not arrived at full +maturity. But however circumstanced, avoid, as you would the plague, any +attentions from a gentleman whose moral character renders him +undeserving your regard. + +Let neither rank nor fortune, nor the finest order of intellect, nor yet +the most winning manners, induce you to accept the addresses of an +irreligious man. You dare not ask the blessing of your Heavenly Father +upon such addresses; and without His blessing, what happiness can you +expect? Men often say, "that whatever their own opinions may be, they +will marry religious women." This may be; but woe to a religious woman, +if she allows herself to be thus beguiled! Supposing your admirer be a +sensible man, he will like religion in you for his own sake; if, on the +contrary, such is not the case, and you become his wife, he will often, +though perhaps without intention, distress you by his remarks; and in +either case, if you have children, you will suffer much in seeing that +your endeavors to form their minds to virtue and piety, and to secure +their present and eternal happiness, are regarded with indifference, or +at least that you are not assisted in your efforts. + +Remember, also, that no happiness can be expected in the marriage state, +unless the husband be worthy of respect. Do not marry a weak man; he is +often intractable or capricious, and seldom listens to the voice of +reason; and most painful must it be to any sensible woman to have to +blush for her husband, and feel uneasy every time he opens his lips. +Still worse, if it should please God to give her children, if she cannot +point to the example of their father as leading to what is excellent and +of good report; nor yet to his precepts and instructions as their rule +of conduct. One thing is certain, that a weak man uniformly shows his +consequence by contradicting his wife, because he will not have it +supposed that he is under her influence. + +Advances, or offers of marriage, are made in a thousand different ways; +but, however tendered, receive them courteously, and with dignity. If a +letter comes to you, answer it as becomes a gentlewoman--your own heart +will dictate what you ought to say. Questions have arisen with regard to +the wording of such letters, but no certain rule can be laid down; +whether it be answered in the first or third person, must depend upon +the degree of acquaintance which has previously existed. No young lady +would certainly head her letter with--"Dear Sir," to a suitor whom she +scarcely knows, or to one whom she intends refusing. She ought, however, +on no account, either to receive or answer letters of the kind without +showing them to her mother; or, if unfortunately without parents, she +will do well to consult some judicious female friend. + +Never trifle with the affections of a man who loves you; nor admit of +marked attentions from one whose affection you cannot return. Some young +ladies pride themselves upon the conquests which they make, and would +not scruple to sacrifice the happiness of an estimable person to their +reprehensible vanity. Let this be far from you. If you see clearly that +you have become an object of especial regard to a gentleman, and do not +wish to encourage his addresses, treat him honorably and humanely, as +you hope to be used with generosity by the person who may engage your +own heart. Do not let him linger in suspense, but take the earliest +opportunity of carefully making known your feelings on the subject. This +may be done in a variety of ways. A refined ease of manner will satisfy +him, if he has any discernment, that his addresses will not be +acceptable. Should your natural disposition render this difficult, show +that you wish to avoid his company, and he will presently withdraw; but +if even this is difficult--and who can lay down rules for +another?--allow an opportunity for explanation to occur. You can then +give him a polite and decisive answer; and be assured that, in whatever +manner you convey your sentiments to him, if he be a man of delicacy and +right feeling, he will trouble you no further. Let it never be said of +you, that you permit the attentions of an honorable man when you have no +heart to give him; or that you have trifled with the affections of one +whom you perhaps esteem, although you resolve never to marry him. It may +be that his preference gratifies, and his conversation interests you; +that you are flattered by the attentions of a man whom some of your +companions admire; and that, in truth, you hardly know your own mind on +the subject. This will not excuse you. Every young woman ought to know +the state of her own heart; and yet the happiness and future prospects +of many an excellent man have been sacrificed by such unprincipled +conduct. + +Remember that if a gentleman makes you an offer, you have no right to +speak of it. If you possess either generosity or gratitude for offered +affection, you will not betray a secret which does not belong to you. It +is sufficiently painful to be refused, without incurring the additional +mortification of being pointed out as a rejected lover. + +If, on the contrary, you encourage the addresses of a deserving man, +behave honorably and sensibly. Do not lead him about as if in triumph, +nor take advantage of the ascendency which you have gained by playing +with his feelings. Do not seek for occasions to tease him, that you may +try his temper; neither affect indifference, nor provoke lovers' +quarrels, for the foolish pleasure of reconciliation. On your conduct +during courtship will very much depend the estimation in which you will +be held by your husband in after life. + +Assuming that the important day is fixed, and that the bidden guests +have accepted the invitations, a few observations may be useful, +especially to those who live retired in the country. + +The bride uniformly goes to church in the same carriage with her +parents, or with those who stand in their place; as, for instance, if +the father is deceased, an elder brother or uncle, or even guardian, +accompanies her mother and herself. If, unhappily, she is an orphan, and +has no relations, a middle-aged lady and gentleman, friends of her +parents, should be requested to take their place. A bridesmaid will also +occupy a seat in the same carriage. + +The bridegroom finds his way to church in a separate carriage with his +friends, and he will show his gallantry by handing the bride from her +carriage, and paying every attention to those who accompany her. Any +omission in this respect cannot be too carefully avoided. + +When arrived at the altar, the father of the bride, or, in default of +such relation, the nearest connexion, or some old friend, gives away the +bride. The bridesmaids stand near the bride; and either her sister, or +some favorite friend, will hold the gloves or handkerchief, as may be +required, when she ungloves her hand for the wedding-ring. When the +ceremony is completed, and the names of the bride and bridegroom are +signed in the vestry, they first leave the church together, occupying by +themselves the carriage that waits to convey them to the house of the +bride's father and mother, or that of the guardian, or friend, by whom +the bridal breakfast is provided. + +The wedding-cake uniformly occupies the center of the table. It is often +tastefully surrounded with flowers, among which those of the fragrant +orange ought to be conspicuous. After being cut according to the usages +observed on such occasions, the oldest friend of the family proposes the +lady's health; that of the bridegroom is generally proposed by some +friend of his own, if present; but if this is not the case, by his +father-in-law, or any of his new relatives, who will deem it incumbent +upon them to say something gratifying to him while proposing his health, +which courtesy he must acknowledge as best he can. After this the bride +withdraws, in order to prepare for leaving the parental roof, by taking +off her wedding, and putting on her traveling dress; although it happens +not unfrequently that the bride remains in another apartment, and thus +avoids the fatigue and embarrassment of appearing at the +breakfast-table. When this occurs, her place beside the bridegroom must +be occupied by a near relation or friend. But whether present, or +remaining apart with a few friends, all who are invited to do honor to +the bride must appear in full dress. Bracelets may be worn on one or +both wrists. Black of any kind is wholly inadmissible; not even black +satin can be allowed; and widows must attire themselves either in quiet +colored suits, or else in silver gray. + +On such festive occasions, all appear in their best attire, and assume +their best manners. Peculiarities that pertain to past days, or have +been unwarily adopted, should be guarded against; mysteries concerning +knives, forks, and plates, or throwing "an old shoe" after the bride, +are highly reprehensible, and have long been exploded. Such practices +may seem immaterial, but they are not so. Stranger guests often meet at +a wedding breakfast; and the good breeding of the family may be somewhat +compromised by neglect in small things. + +If the lady appears at breakfast, which is certainly desirable, she +occupies, with her husband, the center of the table, and sits by his +side--her father and mother taking the top and bottom, and showing all +honor to their guests. When the cake has been cut, and every one is +helped--when, too, the health of the bride and bridegroom has been +drunk, and every compliment and kind wish has been duly proffered and +acknowledged--the bride, attended by her friends, withdraws; and when +ready for her departure the newly-married couple start off on their +wedding journey, generally about two or three o'clock, and the rest of +the company shortly afterward take their leave. + +In some circles it is customary to send cards almost immediately to +friends and relations, mentioning at what time and hour the +newly-married couple expect to be called upon. Some little inconvenience +occasionally attends this custom, as young people may wish to extend +their wedding tour beyond the time first mentioned, or, if they go +abroad, delays may unavoidably occur. It is therefore better to postpone +sending cards, for a short time at least. + +Fashions change continually with regard to wedding-cards. A few years +since they were highly ornamented, and fantastically tied together; now +silver-edged cards are fashionable; but, unquestionably, the plainer and +more unostentatious a wedding-card, the more lady-like and becoming it +will be. + +No one to whom a wedding-card has not been sent ought to call upon a +newly-married couple. + +When the days named for seeing company arrive, remember to be punctual. +Call, if possible, the first day, but neither before nor after the +appointed hour. Wedding-cake and wine are handed round, of which every +one partakes, and each expresses some kindly wish for the happiness of +the newly-married couple. + +Taking possession of their home by young people is always a joyous +period. The depressing influence of a wedding breakfast, where often the +hearts of many are sad, is not felt, and every one looks forward to +years of prosperity and happiness. + +If the gentleman is in a profession, and it happens that he cannot await +the arrival of such as call, according to invitation on the +wedding-card, an apology must be made, and, if possible, an old friend +of the family should represent him. A bride must on no account receive +her visitors without a mother, or sister, or some friend being present, +not even if her husband is at home. This is imperative. To do otherwise +is to disregard the usuages of society. We remember once calling on a +very young bride, and found her alone. Conjectures were made by every +visitor with regard to such a strange occurrence, and their surprise was +still more increased, when it became known that the young lady returned +her calls equally unattended. + +Wedding visits must be returned during the course of a few days, and +parties are generally made for the newly-married couple, which they are +expected to return. This does not, however, necessarily entail much +visiting; neither is it expected from young people, whose resources may +be somewhat limited, or when the husband has to make his way in the +world. + + + + +DOMESTIC ETIQUETTE AND DUTIES. + + +"The little community to which I gave laws," said the Vicar of +Wakefield, "was regulated in the following manner:--We all assembled +early, and after we had saluted each other with proper ceremony, (for I +always thought fit to keep up some mechanical forms of good breeding, +without which, freedom ever destroys friendship,) we all knelt in +gratitude to that Being who gave us another day. So also when we parted +for the night." + +We earnestly recommend that the precepts and example of the good old +Vicar should be followed and adopted by every newly-married couple. With +regard to the first, the courtesies of society should never be omitted, +in even the most trivial matters; and, as respects the second, what +blessing can be reasonably expected to descend upon a house wherein the +voice of thanksgiving is never heard, nor yet protection sought by its +acknowledged head! + +On the wife especially devolves the privilege and pleasure of rendering +home happy. We shall, therefore, speak of such duties and observances as +pertain to her. + +When a young wife first settles in her home, many excellent persons, +with more zeal, it may be, than discretion, immediately propose that she +should devote some of her leisure time to charitable purposes: such, for +instance, as clothing societies for the poor, or schools, or district +visiting. We say with all earnestness to our young friend, engage in +nothing of the kind, however laudable, without previously consulting +your husband, and obtaining his full concurrence. Carefully avoid, also, +being induced by any specious arguments to attend evening lectures, +unless he accompanies you. Remember that your Heavenly Father, who has +given you a home to dwell in, requires from you a right performance of +its duties. Win your husband, by all gentle appliances, to love +religion; but do not, for the sake even of a privilege and a blessing, +leave him to spend his evenings alone. Look often on your marriage ring, +and remember the sacred vows taken by you when the ring was given; such +thoughts will go far toward allaying many of these petty vexations which +circumstances call forth. + +Never let your husband have cause to complain that you are more +agreeable abroad than at home; nor permit him to see in you an object of +admiration, as respects your dress and manners, when in company, while +you are negligent of both in the domestic circle. Many an unhappy +marriage has been occasioned by neglect in these particulars. Nothing +can be more senseless than the conduct of a young woman, who seeks to be +admired in general society for her politeness and engaging manners, or +skill in music, when, at the same time, she makes no effort to render +her home attractive; and yet that home, whether a palace or a cottage, +is the very center of her being--the nucleus around which her affections +should revolve, and beyond which she has comparatively small concern. + +Beware of intrusting any individual whatever with small annoyances, or +misunderstandings, between your husband and yourself, if they unhappily +occur. Confidants are dangerous persons, and many seek to obtain an +ascendency in families by gaining the good opinion of young married +women. Be on your guard, and reject every overture that may lead to +undesirable intimacy. Should any one presume to offer you advice with +regard to your husband, or seek to lessen him by insinuations, shun that +person as you would a serpent. Many a happy home has been rendered +desolate by exciting coolness or suspicion, or by endeavors to gain +importance in an artful and insidious manner. + +In all money matters, act openly and honorably. Keep your accounts with +the most scrupulous exactness, and let your husband see that you take an +honest pride in rightly appropriating the money which he intrusts to +you. "My husband works hard for every dollar that he earns," said a +young married lady, the wife of a professional man, to a friend who +found her busily employed in sewing buttons on her husband's coat, "and +it seems to me worse than cruel to lay out a dime unnecessarily." Be +very careful, also, that you do not spend more than can be afforded in +dress; and be satisfied with such carpets and curtains in your +drawing-room as befit a moderate fortune, or professional income. +Natural ornaments, and flowers tastefully arranged, give an air of +elegance to a room in which the furniture is far from costly; and books +judiciously placed, uniformly produce a good effect. A sensible woman +will always seek to ornament her home, and to render it attractive, more +especially as this is the taste of the present day. The power of +association is very great; light, and air, and elegance, are important +in their effects. No wife acts wisely who permits her sitting-room to +look dull in the eyes of him whom she ought especially to please, and +with whom she has to pass her days. + +In middle life, instances frequently occur of concealment with regard to +money concerns; thus, for instance, a wife wishes to possess an article +of dress which is too costly for immediate purchase, or a piece of +furniture liable to the same objection. She accordingly makes an +agreement with a seller, and there are many who call regularly at houses +when the husband is absent on business, and who receive whatever the +mistress of the house can spare from her expenses. A book is kept by the +seller, in which payments are entered; but a duplicate is never +retained by the wife, and therefore she has no check whatever. We have +known an article of dress paid for in this manner, far above its value, +and have heard a poor young woman, who has been thus duped, say to a +lady, who remonstrated with her: "Alas! what can I do? I dare not tell +my husband." It may be that the same system, though differing according +to circumstances, is pursued in a superior class of life. We have reason +to think that it is so, and therefore affectionately warn our younger +sisters to beware of making purchases that require concealment. Be +content with such things as you can honorably afford, and such as your +husbands approve. You can then wear them with every feeling of +self-satisfaction. + +Before dismissing this part of our subject, we beseech you to avoid all +bickerings. What does it signify where a picture hangs, or whether a +rose or a pink looks best on the drawing-room table? There is something +inexpressibly endearing in small concessions, in gracefully giving up a +favorite opinion, or in yielding to the will of another; and equally +painful is the reverse. The mightiest rivers have their source in +streams; the bitterest domestic misery has often arisen from some +trifling difference of opinion. If, by chance, you marry a man of a +hasty temper, great discretion is required. Much willingness, too, and +prayer for strength to rule your own spirit are necessary. Three +instances occur to us, in which, ladies have knowingly married men of +exceeding violent tempers, and yet have lived happily. The secret of +their happiness consisted in possessing a perfect command over +themselves, and in seeking, by every possible means, to prevent their +husbands from committing themselves in their presence. + +Lastly, remember your standing as a lady, and never approve a mean +action, nor speak an unrefined word; let all your conduct be such as an +honorable and right-minded man may look for in his wife, and the mother +of his children. The slightest duplicity destroys confidence. The least +want of refinement in conversation, or in the selection of books, lowers +a woman, ay, and for ever! Follow these few simple precepts, and they +shall prove to you of more worth than rubies; neglect them, and you will +know what sorrow is. They apply to every class of society, in every +place where man has fixed his dwelling; and to the woman who duly +observes them may be given the beautiful commendation of Solomon, when +recording the words which the mother of King Lemuel taught him: + +"The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her; she will do him +good, and not evil, all the days of her life. Strength and honor are her +clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come. Her children rise up, +and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her."--Prov. +xxxi. + +We shall now address ourselves exclusively to our brethren; to them who +have taken upon themselves the sacred and comprehensive names of husband +and of master, who have formed homes to dwell in, and have placed +therein, as their companions through life's pilgrimage, gentle and +confiding ones, who have left for them all that was heretofore most +dear, and whom they have sworn to love and to cherish. + +When a man marries, it is understood that all former acquaintanceship +_ends_, unless he intimates a desire to renew it, by sending you his own +and his wife's card, if near, or by letter, if distant. If this be +neglected, be sure no further intercourse is desired. + +In the first place, a bachelor is seldom _very particular_ in the choice +of his companions. So long as he is amused, he will associate freely +enough with those whose morals and habits would point them out as +highly dangerous persons to introduce into the sanctity of domestic +life. + +Secondly, a married man has the tastes of _another_ to consult; and the +friend of the _husband_ may not be equally acceptable to the _wife_. + +Besides, newly-married people may wish to limit the circle of their +friends, from praiseworthy motives of economy. When a man first "_sets +up_" in the world, the burden of an extensive and indiscriminate +acquaintance may be felt in various ways. Many have had cause to regret +the weakness of mind which allowed them to plunge into a vortex of +gaiety and expense they could ill afford, from which they have found it +difficult to extricate themselves, and the effects of which have proved +a serious evil to them in after-life. + +Remember that you have now, as a married man, a very different standing +in society from the one which you previously held, and that the +happiness of another is committed to your charge. Render, therefore, +your home happy by kindness and attention to your wife, and carefully +watch over your words and actions. If small disputes arise, and your +wife has not sufficient good sense to yield her opinion; nay, if she +even seems determined to have her own way, and that tenaciously, do not +get angry; rather be silent, and let the matter rest. An opportunity +will soon occur of speaking affectionately, yet decidedly, on the +subject, and much good will be effected. Master your own temper, and you +will soon master your wife's; study her happiness without yielding to +any caprices, and you will have no reason to regret your self-control. + +Never let your wife go to church alone on Sunday. You can hardly do a +worse thing as regards her good opinion of you, and the well-being of +your household. It is a pitiable sight to see a young wife going toward +the church-door unattended, alone in the midst of a crowd, with her +thoughts dwelling, it may be very sadly, on the time when you were proud +to walk beside her. Remember that the condition of a young bride is +often a very solitary one; and that for your sake she has left her +parents' roof, and the companionship of her brothers and sisters. If you +are a professional man, your wife may have to live in the neighborhood +of a large city, where she scarcely knows any one, and without those +agreeable domestic occupations, or young associates, among whom she had +grown up. Her garden and poultry-yard are hers no longer, and the day +passes without the light of any smile but yours. You go off, most +probably after breakfast, to your business or profession, and do not +return till a late dinner; perhaps even not then, if you are much +occupied, or have to keep up professional connections. It seems unmanly, +certainly most unkind, to let your young wife go to church on Sunday +without you, for the common-place satisfaction of lounging at home. To +act in this manner is certainly a breach of domestic etiquette. Sunday +is the only day in which you can enable her to forget her father's +house, and the pleasant associations of her girlhood days--in which you +can pay her those attentions which prevent all painful comparisons as +regards the past. Sunday is a day of rest, wisely and mercifully +appointed to loose the bonds by which men are held to the world; let it +be spent by you as becomes the head of a family. Let no temptation ever +induce you to wish your wife to relinquish attending Divine service, +merely that she may "idle at home with you." Religion is her safeguard +amid the trials or temptations of this world. And woe may be to you if +you seek to withdraw her from its protection! + +Much perplexity in the marriage state often arises from want of candor. +Men conceal their affairs, and expect their wives to act with great +economy, without assigning any reason why such should be the case; but +the husband ought frankly to tell his wife the real amount of his +income; for, unless this is done, she cannot properly regulate her +expenses. They ought then to consult together as to the sum that can be +afforded for housekeeping, which should be rather below than above the +mark. When this is arranged he will find it advantageous to give into +her hands, either weekly, monthly, or quarterly, the sum that is +appropriated for daily expenditure, and above all things to avoid +interfering without absolute necessity. The home department belongs +exclusively to the wife; the province of the husband is to rule the +house--hers to regulate its internal movements. True it is, that some +inexperienced young creatures know but little of household concerns. If +this occur, have patience, and do not become pettish or ill-humored. If +too much money is laid out at first, give advice, kindly and firmly, and +the young wife will soon learn how to perform her new duties. + +No good ever yet resulted, or ever will result from unnecessary +interference. If a man unhappily marries an incorrigible simpleton, or +spendthrift, he cannot help himself. Such, however, is rarely the case. +Let a man preserve his own position, and assist his wife to do the same; +all things will then move together, well and harmoniously. + +Much sorrow, and many heart-burnings, may be avoided by judicious +conduct in the outset of life. Husbands should give their wives all +confidence. They have intrusted to them their happiness, and should +never suspect them of desiring to waste their money. Whenever a +disposition is manifested to do right, express your approbation. Be +pleased with trifles, and commend efforts to excel on every fitting +occasion. If your wife is diffident, encourage her, and avoid seeing +small mistakes. It is unreasonable to add to the embarrassments of her +new condition, by ridiculing her deficiencies. Forbear extolling the +previous management of your mother or your sisters. Many a wife has been +alienated from her husband's family, and many an affectionate heart has +been deeply wounded by such injudicious conduct; and, as a sensible +woman will always pay especial attention to the relations of her +husband, and entertain them with affectionate politeness, the husband on +his part should always cordially receive and duly attend to her +relations. The reverse of this, on either side, is often productive of +unpleasant feelings. + +Lastly, we recommend every young married man, who wishes to render his +home happy, to consider his wife as the light of his domestic circle, +and to permit no clouds, however small, to obscure the region in which +she presides. Most women are naturally amiable, gentle, and complying; +and if a wife becomes perverse, and indifferent to her home, it is +generally her husband's fault. He may have neglected her happiness; but +nevertheless it is unwise in her to retort, and, instead of faithfully +reflecting the brightness that still may shine upon her, to give back +the dusky and cheerless hue which saddens her existence. Be not selfish, +but complying, in small things. If your wife dislikes cigars--and few +young women like to have their clothes tainted by tobacco--leave off +smoking; for it is, at best, an ungentlemanly and dirty habit. If your +wife asks you to read to her, do not put your feet upon a chair and go +to sleep. If she is fond of music, accompany her as you were wont when +you sought her for a bride. The husband may say that he is tired, and +does not like music, or reading aloud. This may occasionally be true, +and no amiable woman will ever desire her husband to do what would +really weary him. We, however, recommend a young man to practice +somewhat of self-denial, and to remember that no one acts with a due +regard to his own happiness who lays aside, when married, those +gratifying attentions which he was ever ready to pay the lady of his +love; or those rational sources of home enjoyment which made her look +forward with a bounding heart to become his companion through life. + +Etiquette is a comprehensive term; and its observances are nowhere more +to be desired than in the domestic circle. + + + + +ON GENERAL SOCIETY. + + +To cultivate the art of pleasing is not only worthy of our ambition, but +it is the dictate of humanity to render ourselves as agreeable as +possible to those around us. While, therefore, we condemn that false +system of philosophy which recommends the practice of flattery and +deception for the purpose of winning the regard of those with whom we +come in contact, we would rather urge the sincere and open conduct which +is founded on moral principle, and which looks to the happiness of +others, not through any sordid and selfish aim, but for the reward which +virtuous actions bestow. Indeed, we do not discover the necessity of +duplicity and hypocrisy in our intercourse with society. The virtues and +the graces are not antagonistic. The sacrifice of personal convenience +for the accommodation of others; the repression of our egotism and +self-esteem; the occasional endurance of whatever is disagreeable or +irksome to us through consideration for the infirmities of others, are +not only some of the characteristics of true politeness, but are in the +very spirit of benevolence, and, we might add, religion. + +The English have a rule of etiquette, that if you are introduced to a +person of higher position in society than yourself, you must never +recognize him when you meet, until you see whether he intends to notice +you. The meaning of this rule is, that you should be polite to nobody +until you see whether they mean to be polite to you, which is simply +refusing politeness in the name of politeness itself. There is a story +of an unfortunate clerk of the Treasury, who dined one day at the +Beef-steak Club, where he sat next to a duke, who conversed freely with +him at dinner. The next day, meeting the duke in the street, he saluted +him. But his grace, drawing himself up, said: "May I know, sir, to whom +I have the honor of speaking?" "Why, we dined together at the club +yesterday--I am Mr. Timms, of the Treasury," was the reply. "Then," said +the duke, turning on his heel, "Mr. Timms, of the Treasury, I wish you +_a good morning_." Though this anecdote is related in the English books +as an example of etiquette, it is undoubtedly true that Mr. Timms, of +the Treasury, was the politest man of the two; for even if he had made a +mistake in being a little familiar in his politeness, had the duke been +really a polite man he would have made the best of it, by returning the +salutation, instead of the brutal mortification which he heaped upon the +clerk of the Treasury. Everybody has read the anecdote of Washington, +who politely returned the salutation of a negro, which caused his friend +to ask if he "bowed to a negro." "To be sure I do; do you think that I +would allow a negro to outdo me in politeness?" said Washington. This is +the American rule. Everybody in this country may be polite to +everybody--and if any one is too haughty and too ill-bred to return the +salutation, with him alone rests the responsibility and the shame. + +A lady in company should never exhibit any anxiety to sing or play; but +if she intends to do so, she should not affect to refuse when asked, but +obligingly accede at once. If you cannot sing, or do not choose to, say +so with seriousness and gravity, and put an end to the expectation +promptly. After singing once or twice, cease and give place to others. +There is an old saying, that a singer can with the greatest difficulty +be set agoing, and when agoing, cannot be stopped. + +Never commend a lady's musical skill to another lady who herself plays. + +Modern Chesterfields, who pretend to be superlatively well-bred, tell +one never to be "in a hurry." "To be in a hurry," say they, "is +ill-bred." The _dictum_ is absurd. It is sometimes necessary to be +hurried. In the streets of the city one must hasten with the multitude. +To walk or lounge, as people who have nothing else to do, in Wall +Street, or Broadway, would be out of place and absurd. Judgment requires +us, not less than manners, to conform slightly with the behavior of +those with whom we associate or are forced to remain. + +Never lose your temper at cards, and particularly avoid the exhibition +of anxiety or vexation at want of success. If you are playing whist, not +only keep your temper, but hold your tongue; any intimation to your +partner is decidedly ungentlemanly. + +Do not take upon yourself to do the honors in another man's house, nor +constitute yourself master of the ceremonies, as you will thereby offend +the host and hostess. + +Do not press before a lady at a theater or a concert. Always yield to +her, if practicable, your seat and place. Do not sit when she is +standing, without offering her your place. Consult not only your own +ease, but also the comfort of those around you. + +Do not cross a room in an anxious manner, and force your way up to a +lady merely to receive a bow, as by so doing you attract the eyes of the +company toward her. If you are desirous of being noticed by any one in +particular, put yourself in their way as if by accident, and do not let +them _see_ that you have sought them out; unless, indeed, there be +something very important to communicate. + +Gentlemen who attend ladies to the opera, to concerts, to lectures, +etc., should take off their hats on entering the room, and while showing +them their seats. Having taken your seats remain quietly in them, and +avoid, unless absolute necessity requires it, incommoding others by +crowding out and in before them. If obliged to do this, politely +apologize for the trouble you cause them. To talk during the performance +is an act of rudeness and injustice. You thus proclaim your own +ill-breeding and invade the rights of others, who have paid for the +privilege of hearing the performers, and not for listening to you. + +If you are in attendance upon a lady at any opera, concert, or lecture, +you should retain your seat at her side; but if you have no lady with +you, and have taken a desirable seat, you should, if need be, cheerfully +relinquish it in favor of a lady, for one less eligible. + +To the opera, or theater, ladies should wear opera hoods, which are to +be taken off on entering. In this country, custom permits the wearing of +bonnets; but as they are neither convenient nor comfortable, ladies +should dispense with their use whenever they can. + +Gloves should be worn by ladies in church, and in places of public +amusement. Do not take them off to shake hands. Great care should be +taken that they are well made and fit neatly. + +If you would have your children grow up beloved and respected by their +elders as well as their contemporaries, teach them good manners in their +childhood. The young sovereign should first learn to obey, that he may +be the better fitted to command in his turn. + +Show, but do not show off, your children to strangers. Recollect, in the +matter of children, how many are born every hour, each one almost as +remarkable as yours in the eyes of its papa and mamma. + +Notwithstanding that good general breeding is easy of attainment, and +is, in fact, attained by most people, yet we may enlarge upon a saying +of Emerson's, by declaring that the world has never yet seen "a perfect +gentleman." + +It is not deemed polite and respectful to smoke in the presence of +ladies, even though they are amiable enough to permit it. A gentleman, +therefore, is not in the habit of smoking in the parlor, for if there is +nobody present to object, it leaves a smell in the room which the wife +has good reason to be mortified at, if discovered by her guests. + +It is very common to see persons eat, drink, and smoke to excess. Such +habits are vulgar in the lowest degree. Some men pride themselves on +their abilities in drinking and smoking--more especially in the latter. +These are blunders that need no reasoning to expose them. The man who +exhibits a tendency to excesses will, sooner or later, be shunned by all +except a few of his own stamp, and not even by them be respected. Guard +against excess in all things, as neither gentlemanly nor human. + +Spitting is a filthy habit, and annoys one in almost every quarter, +in-doors and out. Since vulgarity has had its way so extensively amongst +us, every youth begins to smoke and spit before he has well cut his +teeth. Smoking is unquestionably so great a pleasure to those accustomed +to it, that it must not be condemned, yet the spitting associated with +it detracts very much from the enjoyment. No refined person will spit +where ladies are present, or in any public promenade; the habit is +disgusting in the extreme, and one would almost wish that it could be +checked in public by means of law. + +Never scratch your head, pick your teeth, clean your nails, or, worse +than all, pick your nose in company; all these things are disgusting. + +To indulge in ridicule, whether the subject be present or absent, is to +descend below the level of gentlemanly propriety. Your skill may excite +laughter, but will not insure respect. + +A reverential regard for religious observances, and religious opinions, +is a distinguishing trait of a refined mind. Whatever your opinions on +the subject, you are not to intrude them on others, perhaps to the +shaking of their faith and happiness. Religious topics should be avoided +in conversation, except where all are prepared to concur in a respectful +treatment of the subject. In mixed societies the subject should never be +introduced. + +Frequent consultation of the watch or time-pieces is impolite, either +when at home or abroad. If at home, it appears as if you were tired of +your company and wished them to be gone; if abroad, as if the hours +dragged heavily, and you were calculating how soon you would be +released. + +Never read in company. A gentleman or lady may, however, look over a +book of engravings with propriety. + +The simpler, and the more easy and unconstrained your manners, the more +you will impress people of your good breeding. _Affectation_ is one of +the brazen marks of vulgarity. + +It is very unbecoming to exhibit petulance, or angry feeling, though it +is indulged in so largely in almost every circle. The true gentleman +does not suffer his countenance to be easily ruffled; and we only look +paltry when we suffer temper to hurry us into ill-judged expressions of +feeling. "He that is soon angry dealeth foolishly." + +Commands should never be given in a commanding tone. A gentleman +requests, he does not command. We are not to assume so much importance, +whatever our station, as to give orders in the "imperative mood," nor +are we ever justified in thrusting the consciousness of servitude on any +one. The blunder of commanding sternly is most frequently committed by +those who have themselves but just escaped servitude, and we should not +exhibit to others a weakness so unbecoming. + +It is a great thing to be able to _walk like a gentleman_--that is, to +get rid of the awkward, lounging, swinging gait of a clown, and stop +before you reach the affected and flippant step of a dandy. In short, +nothing but _being a gentleman_ can ever give you the air and step of +one. A man who has a shallow or an impudent brain will be quite sure to +show it in his heels, in spite of all that rules of manners can do for +him. + +A gentleman never sits in the house with his hat on in the presence of +ladies for a single moment. Indeed, so strong is the force of habit, +that a gentleman will quite unconsciously remove his hat on entering a +parlor, or drawing-room, even if there is no one present but himself. +People who sit in the house with their hats on are to be suspected of +having spent the most of their time in bar-rooms, and similar places. _A +gentleman never sits with his hat on in the theater._ Gentlemen do not +generally sit even in an eating-room with their hats on, if there is any +convenient place to put them. + +The books on etiquette will tell you, that on waiting on a lady into a +carriage, or the box of a theater, you are to take off your hat; but +such _is not_ the custom among polite people in this country. The +inconvenience of such a rule is a good reason against its observance in +a country where the practice of politeness has in it nothing of the +servility which is often attached to it in countries where the code of +etiquette is dictated by the courts of monarchy. In handing a lady into +a carriage, a gentleman _may_ need to employ both his hands, and he has +no third hand to hold on to his hat. + +Cleanliness of person is a distinguishing trait of every well-bred +person; and this not on state occasions only, but at all times, even at +home. It is a folly to sit by the fire in a slovenly state, consoling +oneself with the remark, "Nobody will call to-day." Should somebody call +we are in no plight to receive them, and otherwise it is an injury to +the character to allow slovenly habits to control us even when we are +unseen. + +Chesterfield inveighs against holding a man by the button, "for if +people are not willing to hear you, you had much better hold your tongue +than them." Button-holing is not a common vice, but pointing, nudging, +hitting a man in the side with your fist, or giving him a kick of +recognition under the table, are too common not to be noticed here as +terrible breaches of deportment. Significant looks and gestures are +equally objectionable, and must be avoided by all who desire to soar +above positive vulgarity. I have often been annoyed by hearing a friend +discourse on some person's failings or excellences, the person referred +to being only known to the speaker. It is a bad rule to talk of persons +at all, but more especially if the person spoken of is not known to all +the listeners. + +Do not offer a person the chair from which you have just risen, unless +there be no other in the room. + +Never take the chair usually occupied by the lady or gentleman of the +house, even though they be absent, nor use the snuff-box of another, +unless he offer it. + +Do not lean your head against the wall. You will either soil the paper, +or get your hair well powdered with lime. + +Do not touch any of the ornaments in the houses where you visit; they +are meant only for the use of the lady of the house, and may be admired, +but not touched. + +Lord Chesterfield, in his "Advice to his Son," justly characterizes an +absent man as unfit for business or conversation. Absence of mind is +usually affected, and springs in most cases from a desire to be thought +abstracted in profound contemplations. The world, however, gives a man +no credit for vast ideas who exhibits absence when he should be +attentive, even to trifles. The world is right in this, and I would +implore every studious youth to forget that he is studious when he +enters company. I have seen many a man, who would have made a bright +character otherwise, affect a foolish reserve, remove himself as far +from others as possible, and in a mixed assembly, where social prattle +or sincere conversation enlivened the hearts of the company, sit by +himself abstracted in a book. It is foolish, and, what is worse for the +absentee, it looks so. A hint on this subject is sufficient, and we do +hint, that abstractedness of manner should never be exhibited; the +greatest geniuses have ever been attentive to trifles when it so +behooved them. + +Affectation of superiority galls the feelings of those to whom it is +offered. In company with an inferior, never let him feel his +inferiority. An employer, who invites his confidential clerk to his +house, should treat him in every way the same as his most distinguished +guest. No reference to business should be made, and anything in the +shape of command avoided. It is very easy by a look, a word, the mode of +reception, or otherwise, to advertise to the other guests, "This is my +clerk," or, "The person I now treat as a guest was yesterday laboring in +my service;" but such a thing would lower the host more than it would +annoy the guest. Before Burns had arrived at his high popularity, he was +once invited by some puffed-up lairds to dine, in order that they +might have the gratification of hearing the poet sing one of his own +songs. Burns was shown into the servants' hall, and left to dine with +the menials. After dinner he was invited to the drawing-room, and a +glass of wine being handed to him, requested to sing one of his own +songs. He immediately gave his entertainers that thrilling assertion of +independence, "A man's a man for a' that," and left the moment he had +finished, his heart embittered at patronage offered in a manner so +insulting to his poverty. + +People who have risen in the world are too apt to suppose they render +themselves of consequence _in proportion to the pride they display_, and +their want of attention toward those with whom they come in contact. +This is a terrible mistake, as every ill-bred act recoils with triple +violence against its perpetrators, by leading the offended parties to +analyze them, and to question their right of assuming a superiority to +which they are but rarely entitled. + +Punctuality is one of the characteristics of politeness. He who does not +keep his appointments promptly is unfit for the society of gentlemen, +and will soon find himself shut out from it. + +In private, watch your thoughts; in your family, watch your temper; in +society, watch your tongue. + +Avoid restlessness in company, lest you make the whole party as fidgety +as yourself. "Do not beat the 'Devil's tattoo' by drumming with your +fingers on the table; it cannot fail to annoy every one within hearing, +and is the index of a vacant mind. Neither read the newspaper in an +audible whisper, as it disturbs the attention of those near you. Both +these bad habits are particularly offensive where most common, that is, +in a counting or news-room. Remember, that a carelessness as to what may +incommode others is the sure sign of a coarse and ordinary mind; +indeed, the essential part of good breeding is more in the avoidance of +whatever may be disagreeable to others, than even an accurate observance +of the customs of good society." + +Good sense must, in many cases, determine good breeding; because the +same thing that would be civil at one time and to one person, may be +quite otherwise at another time and to another person. + +Chesterfield says, "As learning, honor, and virtue are absolutely +necessary to gain you the esteem and admiration of mankind, politeness +and good breeding are equally necessary to make you welcome and +agreeable in conversation and common life. Great talents, such as honor, +virtue, learning, and parts, are above the generality of the world, who +neither possess them themselves nor judge of them rightly in others; but +all people are judges of the lesser talents, such as civility, +affability, and an obliging, agreeable address and manner; because they +feel the good effects of them, as making society easy and pleasing." + +If you are in a public room, as a library or reading-room, avoid loud +conversation or laughing, which may disturb others. At the opera, or a +concert, be profoundly silent during the performances; if you do not +wish to hear the music, you have no right to interfere with the +enjoyment of others. + +In accompanying ladies to any public place, as to a concert or lecture, +you should precede them in entering the room, and procure seats for +them. + +Never allow a lady to get a chair for herself, ring a bell, pick up a +handkerchief or glove she may have dropped, or, in short, perform any +service for herself which you can perform for her, when you are in the +room. By extending such courtesies to your mother, sisters, or other +members of your family, they become habitual, and are thus more +gracefully performed when abroad. + +Etiquette in church is entirely out of place; but we may here observe +that a conversation wantonly profligate always offends against good +manners, nor can an irreligious man ever achieve that bearing which +constitutes the true gentleman. He may be very polished and observant of +form, and even if so, he will, out of respect for others, refrain from +intruding his opinions and abstain from attacking those of others. + +Chesterfield says, "Civility is particularly due to all women; and, +remember, that no provocation whatsoever can justify any man in not +being civil to every woman; and the greatest man would justly be +reckoned a brute if he were not civil to the meanest woman. It is due to +their sex, and is the only protection they have against the superior +strength of ours; nay, even a little is allowable with women; and a man +may, without weakness, tell a woman she is either handsomer or wiser +than she is." + +Keep your engagements. Nothing is ruder than to make an engagement, be +it of business or pleasure, and break it. If your memory is not +sufficiently retentive to keep all the engagements you make stored +within it, carry a little memorandum book and enter them there. +Especially keep any appointment made with a lady, for, depend upon it, +the fair sex forgive any other fault in good breeding, sooner than a +broken engagement. + +The right of privacy is sacred, and should always be respected. It is +exceedingly improper to enter a private room anywhere without knocking. +No relation, however intimate, will justify an abrupt intrusion upon a +private apartment. So the trunks, boxes, packets, papers, and letters of +every individual, locked or unlocked, sealed or unsealed, are sacred. It +is ill-manners even to open a book-case, or to read a written paper +lying open, without permission expressed or implied. Books in an open +case or on a center-table, cards in a card-case, and newspapers, are +presumed to be open for examination. Be careful where you go, what you +read, and what you handle, particularly in private apartments. + +Avoid intermeddling with the affairs of others. This is a most common +fault. A number of people seldom meet but they begin discussing the +affairs of some one who is absent. This is not only uncharitable but +positively unjust. It is equivalent to trying a _cause in the absence of +the person implicated_. Even in the criminal code a prisoner is presumed +to be innocent until he is found guilty. Society, however, is less just, +and passes judgment without hearing the defence. Depend upon it, as a +certain rule, _that the people who unite with you in discussing the +affairs of others will proceed to scandalize you the moment that you +depart_. + +Be well read also, for the sake of the general company and the ladies, +in the literature of the day. You will thereby enlarge the regions of +pleasurable talk. Besides, it is often necessary. Haslitt, who had +entertained an unfounded prejudice against Dickens's works when they +were first written, confesses that he was at last obliged to read them, +because he could not enter a mixed company without hearing them admired +and quoted. + +Always conform your conduct, as near as possible, to the company with +whom you are associated. If you should be thrown among people who are +vulgar, it is better to humor them than to set yourself up, then and +there, for a model of politeness. It is related of a certain king that +on a particular occasion he turned his tea into his saucer, contrary to +the etiquette of society, because two country ladies, whose +hospitalities he was enjoying, did so. That king was a gentleman; and +this anecdote serves to illustrate an important principle: namely, that +true politeness and genuine good manners often not only permit, but +absolutely demand, a violation of some of the arbitrary rules of +etiquette. Bear this fact in mind. + +Although these remarks will not be sufficient in themselves to _make_ +you a _gentleman_, yet they will enable you to avoid any glaring +impropriety, and do much to render you easy and confident in society. + +Gentility is neither in birth, manner, nor fashion--but in _the_ MIND. A +high sense of honor--a determination never to take a mean advantage of +another--an adherence to truth, delicacy, and politeness toward those +with whom you may have dealings--are the essential and distinguishing +characteristics of A GENTLEMAN. + + +THE END. + + + + +TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES + + +Italics indicated _like this_ + +Small caps capitalized LIKE THIS + +Other than corrections listed below, inconsistent spellings and other +anomalies are as in original. + + p. 5 "withuot" corrected to "without" + p. 13 double word "heard" corrected + p. 21 "there" corrected to "their" + p. 22 closing quotation mark added to block quotation + p. 27 "sermom" corrected to "sermon" + p. 43 "fluctating" corrected to "fluctuating" + p. 49 "unmindul" corrected to "unmindful" + p. 50 missing comma supplied after "one who is neither" + p. 50 "similiar" corrected to "similar" + p. 50 "supenderless" corrected to "suspenderless" + p. 53 quotation mark supplied after "superficial observer." + p. 56 "four and-twenty" corrected to "four-and-twenty" + p. 61 "repectability" corrected to "respectability" + p. 62 "uneviable" corrected to "unenviable" + p. 70 "digusting" corrected to "disgusting" + p. 73 "you" corrected to "your" + p. 76 "alllowed" corrected to "allowed" + p. 76 "canibals" corrected to "cannibals" + p. 77 "you knife" corrected to "your knife" + p. 83 superfluous comma removed in "very, large" + p. 84 missing "a" supplied in "find good carver" + p. 108 period supplied after "each other at a party" + p. 115 "entranc" corrected to "entrance" + p. 115 final period supplied in footnote + p. 125 final period supplied after "been afforded them" + p. 146 "judicioulsy" corrected to "judiciously" + p. 148 "unless he intimate" corrected to "unless he intimates" + p. 148 "intercourse it desired" corrected to "intercourse is desired" + p. 149 double word "to" corrected + p. 151 "departmemt" corrected to "department" + p. 151 "husbands should" at start of sentence capitalized + p. 158 "digusting" corrected to "disgusting" + p. 159 "thought it is" corrected to "though it is" + p. 161 double word "call" corrected + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Martine's Hand-book of Etiquette, and +Guide to True Politeness, by Arthur Martine + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MARTINE'S HAND-BOOK OF ETIQUETTE *** + +***** This file should be named 36048-8.txt or 36048-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/6/0/4/36048/ + +Produced by Julia Miller, Matthew Wheaton and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Martine's Hand-book of Etiquette, and Guide to True Politeness + +Author: Arthur Martine + +Release Date: May 6, 2011 [EBook #36048] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MARTINE'S HAND-BOOK OF ETIQUETTE *** + + + + +Produced by Julia Miller, Matthew Wheaton and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + + + + + +</pre> + +<div> + +<h1 id="booktitle"> +MARTINE'S<br /> +HAND-BOOK OF ETIQUETTE,<br /> +AND<br /> +GUIDE TO TRUE POLITENESS. +</h1> + +<p class="h5">A COMPLETE MANUAL FOR THOSE WHO DESIRE TO UNDERSTAND THE<br /> +RULES OF GOOD BREEDING, THE CUSTOMS OF GOOD SOCIETY,<br /> +AND TO AVOID INCORRECT AND VULGAR HABITS,</p> + +<p class="h5">CONTAINING</p> + +<div id="columns"> + <div class="left column"> + <p class="sinistra"> + <i>Clear and Comprehensive Directions for Correct Manners, Dress, and Conversation</i>; + </p> + <p class="sinistra"><i>Instructions for Good Behavior at Dinner Parties, and the Table, with Hints on the Art of Carving and Taking Wine at Table</i>; + </p> + </div> + + <div class="right column"> + <p class="dextra"> + <i>Together with the Etiquette of the Ball and Assembly Room, Evening Parties</i>; + </p> + <p class="dextra"> + <i>Deportment in the Street and when Travelling</i>; + </p> + <p class="dextra"><i>And the Usages to be Observed when Visiting or Receiving Calls.</i></p> + </div> + </div> +<p> </p> +<p class="h5">TO WHICH IS ADDED</p> + +<p class="h6">THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE, DOMESTIC DUTIES, +AND FIFTY-SIX RULES TO BE OBSERVED IN +GENERAL SOCIETY.</p> + +<p class="h4"><span class="smcap">By</span> ARTHUR MARTINE.</p> + +<p class="spacer"> </p> + +<p class="h4">NEW YORK:<br /> +DICK & FITZGERALD, PUBLISHERS.</p> + +<p class="spacer"> </p> + +<p class="h6">Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1866, by<br /> +<br /> +DICK & FITZGERALD,<br /> +<br /> +In the Clerk's office of the District Court of the United States for the Southern +District of New York.</p> + +<p class="spacer"> </p> + +<div class="trnote"> +<p class="cen">Transcriber's Note:</p> +<p class="noin">Obvious typographical +errors have been corrected. For a +complete list, please see the <a href="#TN"> end of this document</a>.</p> +</div> + +<p class="spacer"> </p> + +<p class="h3"><a name="ToC" id="ToC"></a>CONTENTS.</p> + +<div class="centered"> +<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" width="80%" summary="Table of Contents"> +<tr> + <td class="tdl">General Observations</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_5">5</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="tdl">The Art of Conversation</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_8">8</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="tdl">General Rules for Conversation</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_24">24</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="tdl">On Dress</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_48">48</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="tdl">Introductions</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_57">57</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="tdl">Letters of Introduction</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_61">61</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="tdl">Dinner Parties</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_63">63</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="tdl">Habits at Table</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_67">67</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="tdl">Wine at Table</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_74">74</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="tdl">Carving</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_82">82</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="tdl">Etiquette of the Ball and Assembly Room</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_93">93</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="tdl">Evening Parties</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_104">104</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="tdl">Visiting</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_113">113</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="tdl">Street Etiquette</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_127">127</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="tdl">Traveling</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_133">133</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="tdl">Marriage</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_136">136</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="tdl">Domestic Etiquette and Duties</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_144">144</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="tdl">On General Society</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_154">154</a></td> +</tr> +</table></div> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[5]</a></span></p> + +<h2>GENERAL OBSERVATIONS.</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">Politeness</span> has been defined as an "artificial good-nature;" +but it would be better said that <i>good-nature is natural +politeness</i>. It inspires us with an unremitting attention, both +to please others and to avoid giving them offence. Its code +is a ceremonial, agreed upon and established among mankind, +to give each other external testimonies of friendship +or respect. <i>Politeness</i> and <i>etiquette</i> form a sort of supplement +to the law, which enables society to protect itself +against offences which the <i>law</i> cannot touch. For instance, +the law cannot punish a man for habitually staring at people +in an insolent and annoying manner, but <i>etiquette</i> can +banish such an offender from the circles of good society, +and fix upon him the brand of vulgarity. <i>Etiquette</i> consists +in certain forms, ceremonies, and rules which the +<i>principle of politeness</i> establishes and enforces for the +regulation of the manners of men and women in their +intercourse with each other.</p> + +<p>Many unthinking persons consider the observance of +etiquette to be nonsensical and unfriendly, as consisting of +unmeaning forms, practiced only by the <i>silly</i> and the idle; +an opinion which arises from their not having reflected on +the <i>reasons</i> that have led to the establishment of certain +rules indispensable to the well-being of society, and without +which, indeed, it would inevitably fall to pieces, and +be destroyed.<span class="pagenum">[6]</span></p> +<p>The true aim of politeness, is to make those with whom +you associate as well satisfied with themselves as possible. +It does not, by any means, encourage an impudent self-importance +in them, but it does whatever it can to accommodate +their feelings and wishes in social intercourse. +Politeness is a sort of social benevolence, which avoids +wounding the pride, or shocking the prejudices of those +around you.</p> + +<p>The principle of politeness is the same among all nations, +but the ceremonials which etiquette imposes differ according +to the taste and habits of various countries. For +instance, many of the minor rules of etiquette at Paris +differ from those at London; and at New York they may +differ from both Paris and London. But still the polite of +every country have about the same manners.</p> + +<p>Of the manners and deportment of both ladies and gentlemen, +we would remark that a proper consideration for +the welfare and comfort of others will generally lead to a +greater propriety of demeanor than any rules which the +most rigid master of etiquette could supply. This feeling, +however, is one that must be cultivated, for the promptings +of nature are eminently selfish, and courtesy and good-breeding +are only attainable by effort and discipline. +But even courtesy has limits where dignity should govern +it, for when carried to excess, particularly in manner, it +borders on sycophancy, which is almost as despicable as +rudeness. To overburden people with attention; to render +them uncomfortable with a prodigality of proffered +services; to insist upon obligations which they do not +desire, is not only to render yourself disagreeable, but +contemptible. This defect of manners is particularly prevalent +in the rural districts, where the intense effort to +render a visitor comfortable has exactly the contrary effect; +besides, there are those whose want of refinement and +good breeding often leads them to an unwarrantable familiarity, +which requires coldness and indifference to subdue.<span class="pagenum">[7]</span></p> + +<p>Much misconstruction and unpleasant feeling arises, +especially in country towns, from not knowing what is +"<i>expected</i>," or necessary to be done on certain occasions, +resulting sometimes from the prevalence of local customs, +with which the world in general are not supposed to be +acquainted. "To do in Rome as the Romans do," applies +to every kind of society. At the same time, you can never +be expected to commit a serious breach of manners because +your neighbors do so.</p> + +<p>But what you should do, and what not, in particular +cases, you will learn in the following chapters. I have +only now to say, that if you wish to be agreeable, which is +certainly a good and religious desire, you must both study +how to be so, and take the trouble to put your studies into +constant practice. The fruit you will soon reap. You +will be generally liked and loved. The gratitude of those +to whom you have devoted yourself will be shown in speaking +well of you; you will become a desirable addition to +every party, and whatever your birth, fortune, or position, +people will say of you, "He is a most agreeable and well-bred +man," and be glad to introduce you to good society. +But you will reap a yet better reward. You will have in +yourself the satisfaction of having taken trouble and made +sacrifices in order to give pleasure and happiness for the +time to others. How do you know what grief or care you +may not obliterate, what humiliation you may not alter to +confidence, what anxiety you may not soften, what—last, +but really not least—what intense dullness you may not +enliven? If this work assist you in becoming an agreeable +member of good society, I shall rejoice at the labor it has +given me.</p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[8]</a></span></p> + +<h2>THE ART OF CONVERSATION.</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">As</span> the object of conversation is pleasure and improvement, +those subjects only which are of universal interest +can be made legitimate topics of pleasantry or discussion. +And it is the gift of expressing thoughts and fancies in a +quick, brilliant, and graceful manner on such topics,—of +striking out new ideas, eliciting the views and opinions +of others, of attaching the interest of all to the subject discussed, +giving it, however trifling in itself, weight and +importance in the estimation of the hearers, that constitutes +the great talent for conversation. But this talent +can never, we may safely aver, be displayed except in a +good cause, and when conversation is carried on in a spirit +of genuine charity and benevolence.</p> + +<p>We should meet in society to please and be pleased, and +not to display cold and stately dignity, which is as much +out of place, as all attempts to shine by a skillful adherence +to the fantastic rules of the silver-fork school, +are puerile and ludicrous. Such little things are great +to little persons, who are proud of having acquired +by rote, what the naturally elegant derive, in sufficient +measure, from naturally just feeling.</p> + +<p>The power of preserving silence is the very first requisite +to all who wish to shine, or even please in discourse; and +those who cannot preserve it, have really no business to +speak. Of course, I do not mean the dull, ignorant, sulky,<span class="pagenum">[9]</span> +or supercilious silence, of which we see enough in all conscience; +but the graceful, winning and eloquent silence. +The silence that, without any deferential air, listens with +polite attention, is more flattering than compliments, and +more frequently broken for the purpose of encouraging +others to speak, than to display the listener's own powers. +This is the really eloquent silence. It requires great genius—more +perhaps than speaking—and few are gifted +with the talent; but it is of such essential advantage, that +I must recommend its study to all who are desirous to take +a share in conversation, and beg they will learn to be +silent, before they attempt to speak.</p> + +<p>Notwithstanding the praise here bestowed on silence, it +must still be explained that there are various modes of being +silently rude. There is the rude silence of disdain—of +not hearing, of not even deeming your words deserving +attention or reply. These are minor and mere passive +modes of impertinence; the direct and active sort of silent +rudeness is to listen with a fixed and attentive stare on the +speaker, and without any necessity of raising the eyebrows—for +that might be precarious—show your utter +amazement, that any one should think of thus addressing +a person of your rank, wealth, genius, or greatness. There +are of course various styles and degrees in all these modes +of impertinence, but they all originate in the same cause: +ignorance of the real facility of being rude, and a wish to +acquire distinction by the practice. It is idle to assert +that every one can be rude if he likes; for, if such were +the fact, we should not see hosts of persons belonging to +what is termed good society, seeking fame and renown +by various shades and degrees of mere impertinence.</p> + +<p>Never give short or sharp answers in ordinary conversation, +unless you aspire to gain distinction by mere rudeness; +for they have in fact no merit, and are only uncivil. +"I do not know," "I cannot tell," are the most harmless +words possible, and may yet be rendered very offensive by<span class="pagenum">[10]</span> +the tone and manner in which they are pronounced. +Never reply, in answer to a question like the following, +"Did Mrs. Spitewell tell you how Miss Rosebud's marriage +was getting on?" "I did not ask." It is almost like saying, +I never ask impertinent questions, though you do; we +learn plenty of things in the world without having first +inquired about them. If you must say, you did not ask, +say, that "you forgot to ask," "neglected it," or "did not +think of it." We can always be ordinarily civil, even if we +cannot always be absolutely wise.</p> + +<p>Except in mere sport and raillery, and where a little +<i>extravaganza</i> is the order of the moment, always when you +answer, or speak in reply to an observation made, speak +to the true and just import of what is said. Leave quibbling +of every kind to lawyers pleading at the bar for the +life of a culprit; in society and conversation it is invariably +out of place, unless when Laughter is going his merry +round. At all other times it is a proof of bad breeding.</p> + +<p>You must not overstretch a proposition, neither must you +overstretch or spin out a jest, that has done its duty; for +few can be made to rebound after they have once come to +the ground.</p> + +<p>Another mode of being rude, is to collect, and have at +command, all the set phrases used by uncivil persons, in +order to say what they fancy very sharp and severe things. +Such a collector, jealous perhaps of the attention with +which a pleasant guest is listened to, may break in upon +the most harmless discourse with the words, "I think you +<i>lie</i> under a mistake." The term may in itself be harmless, +but its application is at all times rude, coarse and decidedly +vulgar.</p> + +<p>La Bruyère tells us that "rudeness is not a fixed and +inherent vice of the mind, but the result of other vices; +it springs," he says, "from vanity, ignorance, laziness, +stupidity, jealousy, and inattention. It is the more hateful +from being constantly displayed in exterior deportment<span class="pagenum">[11]</span> +and from being thus always visible and manifest; and is +offensive in character and degree according to the source +from which it takes its rise."</p> + +<p>We next come to the loud talker, the man who silences a +whole party by his sole power of lungs. All subjects are +alike to him; he speaks on every topic with equal fluency, +is never at a loss, quotes high authority for every assertion, +and allows no one else to utter a word; he silences, without +the least ceremony, every attempt at interruption, however +cleverly managed;—calls out, "I beg your pardon," in a +tone that shows how ill-used he thinks himself,—or shuts +your mouth with—"One minute, if you please, sir!" as +much as to say, you are surely a very ill-bred fellow. +Great, and especially loud and positive talkers, have been +denounced by all writers on manners as shallow and superficial +persons. And P. André, the author of a French +Essay on the Beautiful, declares distinctly, that "no man +of sense was ever a great talker."</p> + +<p>Next to the talker, we have the man who gives an account +of his dogs, horses, lands, books, and pictures. +Whatever is his, must, he thinks, interest others; and listen +they must, however resolutely they may attempt to +change the current of his discourse.</p> + +<p>Women of this class are sometimes too fond of praising +their children. It is no doubt an amiable weakness; but I +would still advise them to indulge as little as possible in the +practice; for however dear the rosy-cheeked, curly-headed +prattlers may be to them, the chances are, that others will +vote the darlings to be great bores; you that have children, +never speak of them in company. You must not even +praise your near relations; for the subject deprives the +hearer of all power to dissent, and is therefore clearly +objectionable.</p> + +<p>In the same line is the clever bore, who takes up every +idle speech, to show his wisdom at a cheap rate. If you +say, "Hang the weather!" before such a man, he immedi<span class="pagenum">[12]</span>ately proves, by logical demonstrations, that the weather +has no neck by which it can be suspended. The grave +expounder of truisms belongs to this class. He cannot +allow the simplest conversation to go on, without entering +into proofs and details familiar to every child nine years of +age; and the tenor of his discourse, however courteous in +terms and manner, pays you the very indifferent compliment, +of supposing that you have fallen from some other +planet, in total and absolute ignorance of the most ordinary +and every-day things connected with this little world of +ours. All foreigners are particularly great at this style of +boring.</p> + +<p>Then you have the indifferent and apathetic bore, who +hardly condescends to pay the least attention to what you +say; and who, if he refrains from the direct and absolute +rudeness of yawning in your face, shows, by short and +drawling answers, given at fits and starts, and completely +at variance with the object of the conversation, that he +affects at least a total indifference to the party present, and +to the subject of discourse. In society, the absent man is +uncivil; he who affects to be so, is rude and vulgar. All +persons who speak of their ailings, diseases, or bodily infirmities, +are offensive bores. Subjects of this sort should be +addressed to doctors, who are paid for listening to them, +and to no one else. Bad taste is the failing of these bores. +Then we have the ladies and gentlemen who pay long visits, +and who, meeting you at the door prepared to sally forth, +keep you talking near the fire till the beauty of the day is +passed; and then take their leave, "hoping they have not +detained you." Bad feeling or want of tact here predominates.</p> + +<p>"Hobby-riders," who constantly speak on the same +eternal subject,—who bore you at all times and at all hours,—whether +you are in health or in sickness, in spirits +or in sorrow, with the same endless topic, must not be overlooked +in our list; though it is sufficient to denounce<span class="pagenum">[13]</span> +them. Their failing is occasioned by a total want of judgment.</p> + +<p>The <i>Malaprops</i> are also a numerous and unhappy family, +for they are constantly addressing the most unsuitable +speeches to individuals or parties. To the blind they will +speak of fine pictures and scenery; and will entertain a +person in deep mourning with the anticipated pleasures of +to-morrow's ball. A total want of ordinary thought and +observation, is the general cause of the <i>Malaprop</i> failing.</p> + +<p>Let us add to this very imperfect list the picture of a +bore described by Swift. "Nothing," he says, "is more +generally exploded than the folly of talking too much; yet +I rarely remember to have seen five people together, +where some one among them hath not been predominant +in that kind, to the great constraint and disgust of all the +rest. But among such as deal in multitudes of words, none +are comparable to the sober, deliberate talker, who proceedeth +with much thought and caution, maketh his +preface, brancheth out into several digressions, findeth a +hint that putteth him in mind of another story, which he +promises to tell you when this is done, cometh back regularly +to his subject, cannot readily call to mind some +person's name, holdeth his head, complaineth of his memory; +the whole company all this while in suspense; at last +says, it is no matter, and so goes on. And to crown the +business, it perhaps proveth at last a story the company +has heard fifty times before, or at best some insipid +adventure of the relater."</p> + +<p>To this we may add, that your cool, steady talkers, who +speak with the care and attention of professors demonstrating +mathematical problems,—who weigh, measure and +balance every word they utter,—are all decided objectionables +in society. It is needless to say, that such persons +never blunder, and never "stumble over a potato;" a +matter of little recommendation. In conversation there +must be, as in love and in war, some hazarding, some rat<span class="pagenum">[14]</span>tling on; nor need twenty falls affect you, so long as you +take cheerfulness and good humor for your guides; but the +careful and measured conversation just described is always, +though perfectly correct, extremely dull and tedious—a +vast blunder from first to last.</p> + +<p>There are also many persons who commence speaking +before they know what they are going to say. The ill-natured +world, who never miss an opportunity of being +severe, declare them to be foolish and destitute of brains. +I shall not go so far; but hardly know what we should +think of a sportsman who would attempt to bring down a +bird before he had loaded his gun.</p> + +<p>I have purposely reserved the egotistical bore for the +last on this short and imperfect list. It is truly revolting, +indeed, to approach the very <i>Boa-constrictor</i> of good society; +the snake who comes upon us, not in the natural +form of a huge, coarse, slow reptile, but Proteus-like, in a +thousand different forms; though all displaying at the first +sight the boa-bore, ready to slime over every subject of +discourse with the vile saliva of selfish vanity. Pah! it is +repulsive even to speak of the species, numerous, too, as +the sands along the shore.</p> + +<p>Some of the class make no ceremony of immediately +intruding themselves and their affairs on the attention of a +whole party; of silencing every other subject started, however +interesting to the company, merely that they may +occupy the prominent and most conspicuous position. +Others again are more dexterous, and with great art will lie +on the watch to hook in their own praise. They will call +a witness to remember they always foretold what would +happen in such a case, but none would believe them; they +advised such a man from the beginning, and told him the +consequences just as they happened; but he would have +his own way. Others make a vanity of telling their own +faults; they are the strangest men in the world; they cannot +dissemble; they own it is a folly; they have lost<span class="pagenum">[15]</span> +abundance of advantages by it; but if you would give them +the world, they cannot help it; there is something in their +nature that abhors insincerity and constraint, with many +other insufferable topics of the same altitude. Thus, +though bores find their account in speaking ill or well of +themselves, it is the characteristic of a gentleman that he +never speaks of himself at all.</p> + +<p>La Bruyère says, "The great charm of conversation consists +less in the display of one's own wit and intelligence, +than in the power to draw forth the resources of others; +he who leaves you after a long conversation, pleased with +himself and the part <i>he</i> has taken in the discourse, will be +your warmest admirer. Men do not care to admire you, +they wish you to be pleased with them; they do not seek +for instruction or even amusement from your discourse, +but they do wish you to be made acquainted with their +talents and powers of conversation; and the true man of +genius will delicately make all who come in contact with +him feel the exquisite satisfaction of knowing that they +have appeared to advantage."</p> + +<p>I have no desire to condemn my readers to eternal +silence; but must inform them that it is not so easy to +<i>shine</i> in conversation as many suppose. Fluency of tongue +and a little modest assurance, though very well for imposing +on the unwary, go but a short way when you have to +deal with those who are really worth pleasing.</p> + +<p>How can a person <i>shine</i> by conversation in elegant and +educated society, whose thoughts have never ranged beyond +the gratification of foolish vanity and mean selfishness; +who has never reflected on life, men and manners; whose +mind has not turned to the contemplation of the works and +wonders of nature; and who, in the events of his own time, +has not seen the results of the many deeds of sorrow, +shame, greatness, and glory, that crowd the pages of the +world's variegated annals? Whoever would <i>shine</i> in polite +discourse must at least be well versed in the philosophy of<span class="pagenum">[16]</span> +life, and possess a fair acquaintance with general and +natural history, and the outlines of science. And though +he need be neither a poet nor an artist, he must be well +read in poetry and acquainted with fine arts; because it is +only by their study that taste can be cultivated and fancy +guided. A familiarity with the fine arts is necessary, in +fact, to give him a just perception of the sublime and beautiful, +the very foundation whence our emotions of delight +must arise. Any one attempting to <i>shine</i> in conversation, +without possessing the trifling acquirements here mentioned,—for +I have said nothing of learning and science,—will +most assuredly make an indifferent figure, and had +better therefore content himself with simply pleasing by +unaffected cheerfulness and good humor, which is within +reach of all.</p> + +<p>As to subjects for conversation, what difficulty can there +be about them? Will not books, balls, bonnets and metaphysics +furnish pleasant topics of discourse? Can you not +speak of the</p> + +<div class="inset" style="width: 18em"> +<p class="noin"> +"Philosophy and science, and the springs<br /> +Of wonder, and the wisdom of the world?"— +</p> +</div> + +<p>Are flirtations, traveling, love and speech-making at an +end; or is the great globe itself and the weather on its +surface so perfectly stationary that you can find nothing to +say about them? No, no, let us not deceive ourselves; we +never want subjects of conversation; but we often want the +knowledge how to treat them; above all, how to bring +them forward in a graceful and pleasing manner. We often +want observation and a just estimate of character, and do +not know how, in the present defective state of society, +any passing remark intended to open a conversation may +be received.</p> + +<p>Cheerfulness, unaffected cheerfulness, a sincere desire to +please and be pleased, unchecked by any efforts to shine, +are the qualities you must bring with you into society, if<span class="pagenum">[17]</span> +you wish to succeed in conversation. Under the influence +of their recommendation, you may safely give the rein to +fancy and hilarity, certain that, in a well-assorted party, +you will make at least a favorable impression, if not a brilliant +one. I do not of course mean by cheerfulness any +outbreaking of loud and silly mirth, nor what the world +sometimes calls a "high flow of spirits," but a light and +airy equanimity of temper,—that spirit which never rises +to boisterousness, and never sinks to immovable dullness; +that moves gracefully from "grave to gay, from serious to +serene," and by mere manner gives proof of a feeling heart +and generous mind.</p> + +<p>Franklin says, that you must never contradict in conversation, +nor correct facts if wrongly stated. This is going +much too far; you must never contradict in a short, direct, +or positive tone; but with politeness, you may easily, when +necessary, express a difference of opinion in a graceful and +even complimentary manner. And I would almost say, +that the art of conversation consists in knowing <i>how</i> to +contradict, and <i>when</i> to be silent; for, as to constantly acting +a fawning and meanly deferential part in society, it is +offensive to all persons of good sense and good feeling. In +regard to facts wrongly stated, no well-bred man ever +thinks of correcting them, merely to show his wisdom in +trifles; but with politeness, it is perfectly easy to rectify +an error, when the nature of the conversation demands the +explanation.</p> + +<p>Whenever the lady or gentleman with whom you are +discussing a point, whether of love, war, science or politics, +begins to sophisticate, drop the subject instantly. Your +adversary either wants the ability to maintain his opinion,—and +then it would be uncivil to press it—or he wants +the still more useful ability to yield the point with unaffected +grace and good-humor; or what is also possible, +his vanity is in some way engaged in defending views on +which he may probably have acted, so that to demol<span class="pagenum">[18]</span>ish his opinions is perhaps to reprove his conduct, and no +well-bred man goes into society for the purpose of sermonizing.</p> + +<p>All local wits, all those whose jests are understood only +within the range of their own circle or coterie, are decided +objectionables in general society. It is the height of ill-breeding, +in fact, to converse, or jest, on subjects that are +not perfectly understood by the party at large; it is a species +of rude mystification, as uncivil as whispering, or as +speaking in language that may not be familiar to some of +the party. But you must not make a fool of yourself, even +if others show themselves deficient in good manners; and +must not, like inflated simpletons, fancy yourself the object +of every idle jest you do not understand, or of every +laugh that chance may have called forth. <i>Ladies and gentlemen</i> +feel that they are neither laughed at nor ridiculed.</p> + +<p>In society, the object of conversation is of course entertainment +and improvement, and it must, therefore, be +adapted to the circle in which it is carried on, and must be +neither too high nor too deep for the party at large, so +that every one may contribute his share, just at his pleasure, +and to the best of his ability. Let no two or three old +Indians, old school-fellows, or old brother campaigners, +seize upon the conversation to themselves, discuss their +former adventures, and keep the rest of a party listening +silently to an animated conversation about exploded stories, +of which they know nothing and care as little.</p> + +<p>Lord Chesterfield advises his son "to speak often, but +not to speak much at a time; so that if he does not please, +he will not at least displease to any great extent." A good +observer should easily, I think, be able to discover whether +he pleases or not.</p> + +<p>Rousseau tells us, that "persons who know little talk a +great deal, while those who know a great deal say very +little."</p> + +<p>If the discourse is of a grave or serious nature, and inter<span class="pagenum">[19]</span>esting to the party, or to any number of the party, never +break in upon it with any display of idle wit or levity; for +nothing shows so great a want of good manners; nor must +you ever ridicule or doubt the existence of any noble +enthusiasm that may have called forth expressions of admiration; +for there is no want of high worth, patriotism, +honor and disinterestedness on earth. Your incredulity +might therefore be unjust, and it is at all times a proof of +bad taste to ridicule what others admire.</p> + +<p>If you join in the graver conversation, intended to move +the deeper feelings of the heart, do so without affectation, +without overstretching sentiments, or bringing in far-fetched +ideas for the sake of producing effect, otherwise +you will be sure to fail. Avoid, above all, when on such +topics, any stringing together of unmeaning words; for bad +as the practice of substituting sound for sense is at all +times, it is doubly so when conversation takes the direction +of which we are speaking, as it then shows the <i>jingler</i> to +want feelings as well as ideas. Speak from the heart, when +you speak <i>to</i> the heart; only making judgment prune the +expressions of deep feeling, without checking the noble +sentiments that may have called them forth.</p> + +<p>The reason which renders this pruning system advisable +is, that society swarms with worthy, respectable persons, +possessing an ordinary share of superficial good-nature, but +so destitute of actual feeling, as not even to understand its +language; and who, without being scoffers, will be inclined +to laugh at expressions that convey no ideas to their minds.</p> + +<p>The same reason should serve as a warning to all gentlemen +against writing love-letters; for if a gentle swain is +really and truly in love, he will write under excited feelings; +and a letter written with a palpitating heart, +threatening to break a rib at every throb, can hardly fail to +appear a little ridiculous in the eyes of all who may not +chance to be exactly in the same frame of mind, or possessed +of the same degree of feeling with the writer.<span class="pagenum">[20]</span></p> + +<p>There is a giggling and laughing tone, in which ladies +and gentlemen sometimes endeavor to speak,—an attempt +to continue a series of jests from the first to last, which is +not only foolish, but actually offensive. Conversation can +never be kept up to the laughing point during a whole +evening,—not even during a morning visit; and efforts to +excite laughter by overstrained jests are as repulsive as +overstrained efforts to groan and grimace it. The natural +flow of discourse must be calm and serene; if wit, whim, +fun and fire are present, they will not fail to flash brightly +along its surface; but they can never constitute the main +body of the stream itself.</p> + +<p>Different parties, different tones no doubt, and an assembly +of grave doctors and professors, meeting to discuss +some learned subject, may treat it in their own way; here +we can only speak of general society. It is said, that the +guests at a pleasant dinner party should never exceed the +number of the Muses, nor fall below that of the Graces. +And this may be true; but a party of three or four is already +very different in character,—independent of the +difference occasioned by the characters of the guests,—from +what a party of eight or nine will be. In small parties of +this kind, numbers alone exercise great influence. But +large or small, always recollect that you can have no right +to complain of the dullness of the conversation, unless you +have contributed your best efforts to render it cheerful.</p> + +<p>Nor is it always right to condemn a person for being +silent in company, as this often results from the nature of +the party, which may be ill-assorted, though composed of +deserving people. No one can maintain a conversation by +himself; the very best speaker must still be aided by +others, who must lend assistance in the <i>proper spirit</i>, <i>befitting</i> +the nature of the discourse; for a rude and forward +person, wishing to shine, can easily crush the efforts of the +most perfect gentleman, and give an unfavorable tone and +turn to a pleasant conversation.<span class="pagenum">[21]</span></p> + +<p>In ordinary conversation, the modulation and proper +management of the voice is a point to which I would particularly +call the attention of young ladies; for a fine and +melodious voice, "sweet as music on the waters," makes +the heart-strings vibrate to their very core. This can only +be done by a certain degree of confidence, and by a total +absence of affectation; for uncertainty, agitation and striving +for effect are always ruinous to the voice of the speaker, +which is constantly running against breakers, or getting +upon flats. I am certain that temper and disposition are +far more generally, and more perfectly marked by the +voice and manner of speaking, than we are at all willing to +allow.</p> + +<p>The thin, small voice is the most difficult to manage, as +it is liable to degenerate into shrillness; and ladies who +have this kind of voice must keep strict guard over their +temper, when within hearing of any one on whom they +may wish to make a favorable impression; for the very +idea of a shrill-voiced scold makes us place our hands to +our ears. But with a sweet temper, a pretty, little, harmonious +voice is pleasing enough. Always recollect, however, +that affectation, constraint, or striving for effect, is the certain +ruin of the prettiest voice in the world.</p> + +<p>The very deep-toned voice, though extremely effective +when well controlled, has great difficulties; for unless +backed by kind, cheerful and airy feeling, by "that bright +spirit which is always gladness," it is liable to fall into a +coarse, rude and vulgar tone, and should never be heard +except at times of brilliant sunshine. The owners of such +voices should never think of getting angry, nor even indulge +in saying what they may fancy sharp or severe things, +as the chances are that they will prove only rude ones.</p> + +<p>Stories, however good—and they are often to be recommended—suffer +under one of the disadvantages to which +anecdotes are liable,—they do not bear repetition; and no +one can be expected to possess a stock that shall furnish<span class="pagenum">[22]</span> +new and acceptable wares on every occasion. They form +in conversation the resource of those who want imagination, +and must be received with indulgence; but to deserve +this favor, they must be short, well told, well pointed, and +judiciously adapted to the feelings and composition of the +party. We have all of us at times known a good story or +anecdote introduced under such inappropriate circumstances, +as to make a whole party look grave and feel +uncomfortable.</p> + +<p>The honor of demolishing the weavers of long tales shall +be left to Cowper.</p> + +<div class="inset" style="width: 18em"> +<p class="noin"> +"But sedentary weavers of long tales<br /> +Give me the fidgets, and my patience fails.<br /> +'Tis the most asinine employ on earth,<br /> +To hear them tell of parentage and birth;<br /> +And echo conversations dull and dry,<br /> +Embellished with <i>he said</i> and <i>so said I</i>.<br /> +At every interview their route the same,<br /> +The repetition makes attention lame;<br /> +We bristle up with unsuccessful speed,<br /> +And in the saddest part, cry—<i>Droll, indeed.</i>"<br /> +</p> +</div> + +<p>Let the reader only get these verses by heart, and repeat +a line occasionally to show that he recollects them, and we +shall soon find society relieved from these spinners of dull +yarns.</p> + +<p>Some gentlemen have a talent for placing things in a +grotesque, exaggerated and ludicrous light; and of extemporizing +burlesque anecdotes in a whimsical and amusing +manner. It is a happy gift, of which excellent use can be +made in society; but tact and taste must, as usual, keep a +firm rein, for nothing that is seriously treated by others +must ever be burlesqued and turned into ridicule. The +grotesque style is only applicable when the ground is fairly +open, or when jesting, bantering and exaggeration are the +order of the minute; and then it may be rendered charming.</p> + +<p>Let no one suppose that mimicry is to be sanctioned<span class="pagenum">[23]</span> +under this head; far from it, indeed. A little graceful +imitation of actors and public speakers may be allowed. +National manners, and the peculiarities of entire classes, +are fair game. French dandies, Yankee bargainers, and +English exquisites, may be ridiculed at pleasure; you may +even bring forward Irish porters, cab-drivers and bog-trotters,—<i>provided</i> +you can imitate their wit and humor; but +I do not think I ever saw any mimicry of private individuals +well received by well-bred persons. Nor is this to be +wondered at, since mimicry borders so closely on buffoonery, +as generally to end in absolute vulgarity. Ladies, +however, may be permitted to mimic their friends a little, +provided they rarely indulge in the practice, and never +transgress the bounds of good taste and elegance.</p> + +<p>We meet occasionally in society with persons belonging +to a class, not numerous indeed, but deserving notice, as +they are mostly ladies, and often worth reclaiming; for +want of a better term I shall call them <i>Icicles</i>, because they +only shine and cannot warm. The <i>Icicles</i> may be kind, +clever, of cultivated mind, and in every respect well disposed +to become agreeable,—but cannot speak or converse +on any one subject. They are constantly witty and ingenious, +place every proposition or general question asked, in +some amusing, novel or extravagant light, but never answer +or speak up to the point; so that you may converse with +them for hours, and be acquainted with them for years, +without knowing their opinion upon any one subject; +without knowing even whether they have an opinion on +any one subject. Nor does this always result from affectation, +or from efforts to shine; it springs as often from a +faulty tone, and the fear of not being sufficiently clever, +when attempting to be rational, as from any other source. +I have seen persons lose a great deal by this absurd system, +and fall far short of what they might have been had they +merely followed the beaten track; and as a maxim would +have you recollect, that few good things are ever said by +those who are constantly striving to say extraordinary ones.</p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</a></span></p> + +<h2>GENERAL RULES FOR CONVERSATION.</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">As</span> order or method are of very little consequence in +treating of this subject, I will conclude by giving a series +of rules upon the art of conversation, couched in a few +words, from which the reader may furnish himself with a +competent knowledge of what is to be studied, and what to +be avoided. There are few of the following sentences that +will not furnish a good deal of thought, or that are to be +understood to their full extent without some consideration.</p> + +<p>Whatever passes in parties at your own or another's +house is never repeated by well-bred people. Things of +no moment, and which are meant only as harmless jokes, +are liable to produce unpleasant consequences if repeated. +To repeat, therefore, any conversation which passes on +such occasions, is understood to be a breach of confidence, +which should banish the offender from the pale of good +society.</p> + +<p>Men of all sorts of occupations meet in society. As they +go there to unbend their minds and escape from the fetters +of business, you should never, in an evening, speak to a man +about his profession. Do not talk of politics to a journalist, +of fevers to a physician, of stocks to a broker,—nor, +unless you wish to enrage him to the utmost, of education +to a collegian. The error which is here condemned is often +committed from mere good nature and a desire to be affa<span class="pagenum">[25]</span>ble. But it betrays to a gentleman, ignorance of the +world,—to a philosopher, ignorance of human nature.</p> + +<p>A gentleman will, by all means, avoid showing his learning +and accomplishments in the presence of ignorant and +vulgar people, who can, by no possibility, understand or +appreciate them. It is a pretty sure sign of bad breeding +to set people to staring and feeling uncomfortable.</p> + +<p>In England, it is regarded a breach of etiquette to repeat +the name of any person with whom you are conversing. +But the same rule does not hold in America. Here it is +deemed no breach, if you are conversing with a lady by the +name of Sherwood, to say, "Well, <i>Mrs. Sherwood</i>, do you +not think," etc.</p> + +<p>In a mixed company, never speak to your friend of a +matter which the rest do not understand, unless it is something +which you can explain to them, and which may be +made interesting to the whole party.</p> + +<p>If you wish to inquire about anything, do not do it by +asking a question; but introduce the subject, and give the +person an opportunity of saying as much as he finds it +agreeable to impart. Do not even say, "How is your +brother to-day?" but "I hope your brother is quite well."</p> + +<p>Never ask a lady a question about anything whatever.</p> + +<p>By all means, avoid the use of slang terms and phrases +in polite company. No greater insult can be offered to +polite society than to repeat the slang dictums of bar-rooms +and other low places. If you are willing to have it +known that you are familiar with such company yourself, +you have no right to treat a party of ladies and gentlemen +as though they were, too.</p> + +<p>Avoid the habit of employing French words in English +conversation; it is extremely bad taste to be always using<span class="pagenum">[26]</span> +such expressions as <i>ci-devant</i>, <i>soi-disant</i>, <i>en masse</i>, <i>couleur de +rose</i>, etc. Do not salute your acquaintances with <i>bon jour</i>, +nor reply to every proposition, <i>volontiers</i>. In society, avoid +having those peculiar preferences for some subjects which +are vulgarly denominated "<i>hobby-horses</i>." They make your +company a <i>bore</i> to all your friends; and some kind-hearted +creature will take advantage of them and <i>trot</i> you, for the +amusement of the company. Every attempt to obtrude on +a company subjects either to which they are indifferent, or +of which they are ignorant, is in bad taste.</p> + +<div class="inset" style="width: 20em"> +<p class="noin"> +"Man should be taught as though you taught him not,<br /> +And things unknown proposed as things forgot." +</p> +</div> + +<p>A man is quite sure to show his good or bad breeding +the instant he opens his mouth to talk in company. If he +is <i>a gentleman</i> he starts no subject of conversation that can +possibly be displeasing to any person present. The +ground is common to all, and no one has a right to monopolize +any part of it for his own particular opinions, in +politics or religion. No one is there to make proselytes, +but every one has been invited, to be <i>agreeable</i> and <i>to +please</i>.</p> + +<p>He who knows the world, will not be too bashful. He +who knows himself, will not be impudent.</p> + +<p>Do not endeavor to shine in all companies. Leave room +for your hearers to imagine something within you beyond +all you have said. And remember, the more you are +praised, the more you will be envied.</p> + +<p>There is no surer sign of vulgarity than the perpetual +boasting of the fine things you have at home. If you +speak of your silver, of your jewels, of your costly apparel, +it will be taken for a sign that you are either lying, or that +you were, not long ago, somebody's washerwoman, and<span class="pagenum">[27]</span> +cannot forget to be reminding everybody that you are not +so now.</p> + +<p>You need not tell all the truth, unless to those who have +a right to know it all. But let all you tell be truth.</p> + +<p>Insult not another for his want of a talent you possess; +he may have others, which you want. Praise your friends +and let your friends praise you.</p> + +<p>If you treat your inferiors with familiarity, expect the +same from them. If you give a jest, take one. Let all +your jokes be truly jokes. Jesting sometimes ends in sad +earnest.</p> + +<p>If a favor is asked of you, grant it, if you can. If not, +refuse it in such a manner, as that one denial may be +sufficient.</p> + +<p>If you are in company with a distinguished gentleman—as +a governor, or senator—you will not be perpetually trying +to trot out his titles, as it would make you appear like +a lackey or parasite, who, conscious of no merits of your +own, are trying to lift yourself by the company of +others. In introducing such a gentleman, you will merely +call him "governor," or "senator," and afterwards avoid +all allusion to his rank.</p> + +<p>If you would render yourself pleasing in social parties, +never speak to gratify any particular vanity or passion of +your own, but always aim to interest or amuse others by +themes which you know are in accordance with their tastes +and understandings. Even a well-bred minister will avoid +introducing his professional habits and themes at such +places. He knows that the guests were not invited there +to listen to a sermon, and there may be some who differ<span class="pagenum">[28]</span> +with him in opinions, who would have good reason to feel +themselves insulted by being thus forced to listen to him.</p> + +<p>Reproof is a medicine like mercury or opium; if it be +improperly administered, with report either to the adviser +or the advised, it will do harm instead of good.</p> + +<p>Nothing is more unmannerly than to reflect on any man's +profession, sect, or natural infirmity. He who stirs up +against himself another's self-love, provokes the strongest +passions in human nature.</p> + +<p>Be careful of your word, even in keeping the most trifling +appointment. But do not blame another for a failure of +that kind, till you have heard his excuse.</p> + +<p>Never offer advice, but where there is some probability +of its being followed.</p> + +<p>If you find yourself in a company which violently abuses +an absent friend of yours, you need not feel that you are +called upon to take up the club for him. You will do better +by saying mildly that they must have been misinformed—that +you are proud to call him your friend, which you +could not do if you did not know him to be incapable of +such things as they had heard. After this, if they are +gentlemen, they will stop—indeed, if they had been gentlemen, +they would hardly have assailed an absent one in +a mixed party; and if you feel constrained to quit their +company, it will be no sacrifice to your own self-respect or +honor.</p> + +<p>Fools pretend to foretell what will be the issue of things, +and are laughed at for their awkward conjectures. Wise +men, being aware of the uncertainty of human affairs, and +having observed how small a matter often produces a great +change, are modest in their conjectures.<span class="pagenum">[29]</span></p> + +<p>He who talks too fast, outruns his hearer's thoughts. +He who speaks too slow, gives his hearer pain by hindering +his thoughts, as a rider who frets his horse by reining +him in too much.</p> + +<p>Never think to entertain people with what lies out of +their way, be it ever so curious in its kind. Who would +think of regaling a circle of ladies with the beauties of +Homer's Greek, or a mixed company with Sir Isaac Newton's +discoveries?</p> + +<p>Do well, but do not boast of it. For that will lessen the +commendation you might otherwise have deserved.</p> + +<p>Never ask a question under any circumstances. In the +first place, it is too proud; in the second place, it may be +very inconvenient or very awkward to give a reply. A lady +inquired of what branch of medical practice a certain gentleman +was professor. He held the chair of <i>midwifery</i>!</p> + +<p>To offer advice to an angry man, is like blowing against +a tempest.</p> + +<p>Too much preciseness and solemnity in pronouncing +what one says in common conversation, as if one was +preaching, is generally taken for an indication of self-conceit +and arrogance.</p> + +<p>Make your company a rarity, and people will value it. +Men despise what they can easily have.</p> + +<p>Value truth, however you come by it. Who would not +pick up a jewel that lay on a dung-hill?</p> + +<p>The beauty of behavior consists in the manner, not the +matter of your discourse.</p> + +<p>It is not in good taste for a lady to say "Yes, sir," and +"No, sir," to a gentleman, or frequently to introduce the +word "Sir," at the end of her sentence, unless she desire<span class="pagenum">[30]</span> +to be exceedingly reserved toward the person with whom +she is conversing.</p> + +<p>If your superior treats you with familiarity, it will not +therefore become you to treat him in the same manner.</p> + +<p>A good way to avoid impertinent and pumping inquiries, +is by answering with another question. An evasion may +also serve the purpose. But a lie is inexcusable on any +occasion, especially when used to conceal the truth from +one who has no authority to demand it.</p> + +<p>To reprove with success, the following circumstances are +necessary, viz.: mildness, secrecy, intimacy, and the esteem +of the person you would reprove.</p> + +<p>If you be nettled with severe raillery, take care never to +show that you are stung, unless you choose to provoke +more. The way to avoid being made a butt, is not to set +up for an archer.</p> + +<p>To set up for a critic is bullying mankind.</p> + +<p>Reflect upon the different appearances things make to +you from what they did some years ago, and don't imagine +that your opinion will never alter, because you are extremely +positive at present. Let the remembrance of your past +changes of sentiment make you more flexible.</p> + +<p>If ever you were in a passion, did you not find reason +afterwards to be sorry for it, and will you again allow your +self to be guilty of a weakness, which will certainly be in +the same manner followed by repentance, besides being +attended with pain?</p> + +<p>Never argue with any but men of sense and temper.</p> + +<p>It is ill-manners to trouble people with talking too much +either of yourself, or your affairs. If you are full of your<span class="pagenum">[31]</span>self, consider that you, and your affairs, are not so interesting +to other people as to you.</p> + +<p>Keep silence sometimes, upon subjects which you are +known to be a judge of. So your silence, where you are +ignorant, will not discover you.</p> + +<p>To use phrases which admit of a double meaning is ungentlemanly, +and, if addressed to a lady, they become +positively insulting.</p> + +<p>There is a vulgar custom, too prevalent, of calling almost +everybody "colonel" in this country, of which it is sufficient +to say, that this false use of titles prevails most +among the lower ranks of society—a fact which sufficiently +stamps upon it its real character, and renders it, to say the +least, a doubtful compliment to him who has no right to +the title.</p> + +<p>Think like the wise; but talk like ordinary people. +Never go out of the common road, but for somewhat.</p> + +<p>Don't dispute against facts well established, merely because +there is somewhat unaccountable in them. That the +world should be created of nothing is to us inconceivable +but not therefore to be doubted.</p> + +<p>As you are going to a party of mirth, think of the hazard +you run of misbehaving. While you are engaged, do not +wholly forget yourself. And after all is over, reflect how +you have behaved. If well, be thankful; it is more than +you could have promised. If otherwise, be more careful +for the future.</p> + +<p>It will never do to be ignorant of the names and approximate +ages of great composers, especially in large +cities, where music is so highly appreciated and so common +a theme. It will be decidedly condemnatory if you<span class="pagenum">[32]</span> +talk of the <i>new</i> opera "Don Giovanni," or Rossini's +"Trovatore," or are ignorant who composed "Fidelio," +and in what opera occur such common pieces as "<i>Ciascun +lo dice</i>," or "<i>Il Segreto</i>." I do not say that these trifles are +indispensable, and when a man has better knowledge to +offer, especially with genius or "cleverness" to back it, +he will not only be pardoned for an ignorance of them, but +can even take a high tone, and profess indifference or contempt +of them. But, at the same time, such ignorance +stamps an ordinary man, and hinders conversation.</p> + +<p>Don't talk of "the opera" in the presence of those who +are not frequenters of it. They will imagine that you are +showing off, or that you are <i>lying</i>, and that you have never +been to the opera twice in your life. For the same reason, +avoid too frequently speaking of your acquaintance with +celebrated men, unless you are a public man yourself, who +would be supposed to have such acquaintance.</p> + +<p>Do not sit dumb in company. That looks either like +pride, cunning, or stupidity. Give your opinion modestly, +but freely; hear that of others with candor; and ever endeavor +to find out, and to communicate truth.</p> + +<p>In mixed company, be readier to hear than to speak, and +put people upon talking of what is in their own way. For +then you will both oblige them, and be most likely to improve +by their conversation.</p> + +<p>Humanity will direct to be particularly cautious of treating +with the least appearance of neglect those who have +lately met with misfortunes, and are sunk in life. Such +persons are apt to think themselves slighted, when no such +thing is intended. Their minds being already sore, feel the +least rub very severely. And who would be so cruel as to +add affliction to the afflicted?<span class="pagenum">[33]</span></p> + +<p>To smother the generosity of those who have obliged +you, is imprudent, as well as ungrateful. The mention of +kindnesses received may excite those who hear it to deserve +your good word, by imitating the example which they +see does others so much honor.</p> + +<p>Learning is like bank-notes. Prudence and good behavior +are like silver, useful upon all occasions.</p> + +<p>If you have been once in company with an idle person, +it is enough. You need never go again. You have heard all +he knows. And he has had no opportunity of learning +anything new. For idle people make no improvements.</p> + +<p>Deep learning will make you acceptable to the learned; +but it is only an easy and obliging behavior, and entertaining +conversation, that will make you agreeable in all companies.</p> + +<p>Men repent speaking ten times for once that they repent +keeping silence.</p> + +<p>It is an advantage to have concealed one's opinion. For +by that means you may change your judgment of things +(which every wise man finds reason to do) and not be accused +of fickleness.</p> + +<p>There is hardly any bodily blemish, which a winning +behavior will not conceal, or make tolerable; and there is +no external grace, which ill-nature or affectation will not +deform.</p> + +<p>If you mean to make your side of the argument appear +plausible, do not prejudice people against what you think +truth by your passionate manner of defending it.</p> + +<p>There is an affected humility more insufferable than +downright pride, as hypocrisy is more abominable than<span class="pagenum">[34]</span> +libertinism. Take care that your virtues be genuine and +unsophisticated.</p> + +<p>Never ask any one who is conversing with you to repeat +his words. Nothing is ruder than to say, "Pardon me, +will you repeat that sentence? I did not hear you at first," +and thus imply that your attention was wandering when he +first spoke.</p> + +<p>When we speak of ourselves and another person, whether +he is absent or present, propriety requires us to mention +ourselves last. Thus we should say, <i>he and I</i>, <i>you and I</i>.</p> + +<p>If a man is telling that which is as old as the hills, or +which you believe to be false, the better way is to let him +go on. Why should you refuse a man the pleasure of believing +that he is telling you something which you never +heard before? Besides, by refusing to believe him, or by +telling him that his story is old, you not only mortify him, +but the whole company is made uneasy, and, by sympathy, +share his mortification.</p> + +<p>Never notice it if others make mistakes in language. To +notice by word or look such errors in those around you, is +excessively ill-bred.</p> + +<p>Avoid raillery and sarcasm in social parties. They are +weapons which few can use; and because you happen to +have a razor in your possession, that is no reason why you +should be allowed to cut the throats of the rest who are +unarmed. Malicious jests at the expense of those who are +present or absent, show that he who uses them is devoid +both of the instincts and habits of a <i>gentleman</i>. Where +two individuals or the whole company agree to banter each +other with good-natured sallies of wit, it is very pleasant, +but the least taint of ill-nature spoils all.<span class="pagenum">[35]</span></p> + +<p>If upon the entrance of a visitor you continue a conversation +begun before, you should always explain the subject +to the new-comer.</p> + +<p>If there is any one in the company whom you do not +know, be careful how you let off any epigrams or pleasant +little sarcasms. You might be very witty upon halters to +a man whose father had been hanged. The first requisite +for successful conversation is to know your company well.</p> + +<p>Carefully avoid subjects which may be construed into +personalities, and keep a strict reserve upon family matters. +Avoid, if you can, seeing the skeleton in your +friend's closet, but if it is paraded for your special benefit, +regard it as a sacred confidence, and never betray your +knowledge to a third party.</p> + +<p>Listen attentively and patiently to what is said. It is a +great and difficult talent to be a good listener, but it is one +which the well-bred man has to acquire, at whatever pains. +Do not anticipate the point of a story which another person +is reciting, or take it from his lips to finish it in +your own language. To do this is a great breach of etiquette.</p> + +<p>Dr. Johnson, whose reputation as a <i>talker</i> was hardly less +than that which he acquired as a writer, prided himself on +the appositeness of his quotations, the choice of his words, +and the correctness of his expressions. Had he lived in +this "age of progress," he would have discovered that his +lexicon was not only incomplete, but required numerous +emendations. We can fancy the irritable moralist endeavoring +to comprehend the idea which a young lady wishes +to convey when she expresses the opinion that a bonnet is +"<i>awful</i>," or that of a young gentleman, when he asserts +that his coat is "<i>played out</i>!"<span class="pagenum">[36]</span></p> + +<p>Avoid the use of proverbs in conversation, and all sorts +of cant phrases. This error is, I believe, censured by Lord +Chesterfield, and is one of the most offensively vulgar +which a person can commit.</p> + +<p>It is bad manners to satirize lawyers in the presence of +lawyers, or doctors in the presence of one of that calling, +and so of all the professions. Nor should you rail against +bribery and corruption in the presence of politicians, +(especially of a New York politician,) or members of Congress, +as they will have good reason to suppose that you +are hinting at them. It is the aim of politeness to leave +the arena of social intercourse untainted with any severity +of language, or bitterness of feeling. There are places and +occasions where wrong must be exposed and reproved, but +it is an unpardonable piece of rudeness to attempt such +things at your own or another's social party, where everything +is carefully to be avoided that can in the least disturb +the happiness of any one. For this reason all kinds +of controversies are, as a general rule, to be avoided at +such times.</p> + +<p>Any conversation (that is not interdicted by decency +and propriety) which can be pleasing to the whole company, +is desirable. Amusement, more than instruction +even, is to be sought for in social parties. People are not +supposed to come together on such occasions because they +are ignorant and need teaching, but to seek amusement +and relaxation from professional and daily cares. All the +English books on etiquette tell you that "punning is scrupulously +to be avoided as a species of ale-house wit," and a +savage remark of Dr. Johnson is usually quoted on the +subject. But punning is no more to be avoided than any +other kind of wit; and if all wit is to be banished from the +social circle, it will be left a stupid affair indeed. All kinds +of wit, puns by no means excepted, give a delightful relish<span class="pagenum">[37]</span> +to social parties when they spring up naturally and spontaneously +out of the themes of conversation. But for a +man to be constantly straining himself to make jokes is to +make himself ridiculous, and to annoy the whole company, +and is, therefore, what no gentleman will be guilty of.</p> + +<p>Talk as little of yourself as possible, or of any science or +business in which you have acquired fame. There is a +banker in New York who is always certain to occupy the +time of every party he gets into, by talking of his <i>per cents</i>, +and boasting that he <i>began life without a cent</i>—which every +one readily believes; and if he were to add that he <i>began +life in a pig-pen</i>, they would believe that too.</p> + +<p>If you put on a proud carriage, people will want to know +what there is in you to be proud of. And it is ten to one +whether they value your accomplishments at the same rate +as you. And the higher you aspire, they will be the more +desirous to mortify you.</p> + +<p>Nothing is more nauseous than apparent self-sufficiency. +For it shows the company two things, which are extremely +disagreeable: that you have a high opinion of yourself, +and that you have comparatively a mean opinion of them.</p> + +<p>It is the concussion of passions that produces a storm. +Let an angry man alone, and he will cool off himself.</p> + +<p>It is but seldom that very remarkable occurrences fall +out in life. The evenness of your temper will be in most +danger of being troubled by trifles which take you by +surprise.</p> + +<p>It is as obliging in company, especially of superiors, to +listen attentively, as to talk entertainingly.</p> + +<p>Don't think of knocking out another person's brains, because +he differs in opinion from you. It will be as rational<span class="pagenum">[38]</span> +to knock yourself on the head, because you differ from +yourself ten years ago.</p> + +<p>If you want to gain any man's good opinion, take particular +care how you behave, the first time you are in company +with him. The light you appear in at first, to one +who is neither inclined to think well or ill of you, will +strongly prejudice him either for or against you.</p> + +<p>Good humor is the only shield to keep off the darts of +the satirical railer. If you have a quiver well stored, and +are sure of hitting him between the joints of the harness, +do not spare him. But you had better not bend your bow +than miss your aim.</p> + +<p>The modest man is seldom the object of envy.</p> + +<p>In the company of ladies, do not labor to establish +learned points by long-winded arguments. They do not +care to take too much pains to find out truth.</p> + +<p>You will forbear to interrupt a person who is telling a +story, even though he is making historical mistakes in +dates and facts. If he makes mistakes it is his own fault, +and it is not your business to mortify him by attempting +to correct his blunders in presence of those with whom he +is ambitious to stand well.</p> + +<p>In a dispute, if you cannot reconcile the parties, withdraw +from them. You will surely make one enemy, perhaps +two, by taking either side in an argument when the +speakers have lost their temper.</p> + +<p>Do not <i>dispute</i> in a party of ladies and gentlemen. If a +gentleman advances an opinion which is different from +ideas you are known to entertain, either appear not to have +heard it, or differ with him as gently as possible. You +will not say, "Sir, you are mistaken!" "Sir, you are<span class="pagenum">[39]</span> +wrong!" or that you "happen to know better;" but you +will rather use some such phrase as, "Pardon me—if I am +not mistaken," etc. This will give him a chance to say some +such civil thing as that he regrets to disagree with you; +and if he has not the good manners to do it, you have, at +any rate, established your own manners as those of a gentleman +in the eyes of the company. And when you have +done that, you need not trouble yourself about any opinions +he may advance contrary to your own.</p> + +<p>If you talk sentences, do not at the same time give yourself +a magisterial air in doing it. An easy conversation is +the only agreeable one, especially in mixed company.</p> + +<p>Be sure of the fact, before you lose time in searching for +a cause.</p> + +<p>If you have a friend that will reprove your faults and +foibles, consider you enjoy a blessing, which the king +upon the throne cannot have.</p> + +<p>In disputes upon moral or scientific points, ever let +your aim be to come at truth, not to conquer your opponent. +So you never shall be at a loss in losing the argument, +and gaining a new discovery.</p> + +<p>What may be very entertaining in company with ignorant +people, may be tiresome to those who know more of the +matter than yourself.</p> + +<p>There is a sort of accidental and altogether equivocal +type of city women, who never get into the country, but +they employ their time in trying to astonish the country +people with narrations of the fine things they left behind +them in the city. If they have a dirty little closet, with +ten valueless books in it, they will call it their <i>library</i>. If +they have some small room, that is used as kitchen, parlor, +and dining-room, they will magnify it into a <i>drawing-<span class="pagenum">[40]</span>room</i>. And a hundred other <i>little</i> signs of their <i>great</i> +vulgarity they will constantly insist on exhibiting to their +country auditors.</p> + +<p>Put yourself on the same level as the person to whom +you speak, and under penalty of being considered a pedantic +idiot, refrain from explaining any expression or word +that you may use.</p> + +<p>If you are really a wit, remember that in conversation +its true office consists more in finding it in others, than +showing off a great deal of it yourself. He who goes +out of your company pleased with himself is sure to +be pleased with you. Even as great a man as Dr. Johnson +once retired from a party where everybody had spent +the evening in listening to him, and remarked, as he went +out, "We have had a pleasant evening, and much excellent +conversation."</p> + +<p>If you happen to fall into company where the talk runs +into party, obscenity, scandal, folly, or vice of any kind, +you had better pass for morose or unsocial, among people +whose good opinion is not worth having, than shock your +own conscience by joining in conversation which you must +disapprove of.</p> + +<p>If you would have a right account of things from illiterate +people, let them tell their story in their own way. If +you put them upon talking according to logical rules, you +will quite confound them.</p> + +<p>I was much pleased with the saying of a gentleman, who +was engaged in a friendly argument with another upon a +point in morals. "You and I [says he to his antagonist] +seem, as far as I hitherto understand, to differ considerably +in our opinions. Let us, if you please, try wherein we +can agree." The scheme in most disputes is to try who +shall conquer, or confound the other. It is therefore no +<span class="pagenum">[41]</span> +wonder that so little light is struck out in conversation, +where a candid inquiry after truth is the least thing +thought of.</p> + +<p>By all means, shun the vulgar habit of joking at the expense +of women. All such tricks as refusing a lady a piece +of tongue, because "<i>women already have tongue enough</i>," +are as vulgar as they are old and stale. The man who does +not respect woman, exposes himself to the suspicion of +associating generally with the fallen portion of the sex. +And besides, he has no right to make a respectable parlor +or drawing-room the theater of such vulgar jokes and railing +against the sex as go down in low society.</p> + +<p>If a man complains to you of his wife, a woman of her +husband, a parent of a child, or a child of a parent, be very +cautious how you meddle between such near relations, to +blame the behavior of one to the other. You will only +have the hatred of both parties, and do no good with +either. But this does not hinder your giving both parties, +or either, your best advice in a prudent manner.</p> + +<p>Be prudently secret. But don't affect to make a secret +of what all the world may know, nor give yourself airs of +being as close as a conspirator. You will better disappoint +idle curiosity by seeming to have nothing to conceal.</p> + +<p>Never blame a friend without joining some commendation +to make reproof go down.</p> + +<p>It is by giving free rein to folly, in conversation and action, +that people expose themselves to contempt and +ridicule. The modest man may deprive himself of some +part of the applause of some sort of people in conversation, +by not shining altogether so much as he might have done. +Or he may deprive himself of some lesser advantages in +life by his reluctancy in putting himself forward. But it +is only the rash and impetuous talker, or actor, that effect<span class="pagenum">[42]</span>ually exposes himself in company, or ruins himself in life. +It is therefore easy to determine which is the safest side to +err on.</p> + +<p>It is a base temper in mankind, that they will not take +the smallest slight at the hand of those who have done +them the greatest kindness.</p> + +<p>If you fall into the greatest company, in a natural and +unforced way, look upon yourself as one of them; and do +not sneak, nor suffer any one to treat you unworthily, without +just showing that you know behavior. But if you see +them disposed to be rude, overbearing, or purse-proud, it +will be more decent and less troublesome to retire, than to +wrangle with them.</p> + +<p>There cannot be any practice more offensive than that of +taking a person aside to whisper in a room with company; +yet this rudeness is of frequent occurrence—and that with +those who know it to be improper.</p> + +<p>If at any time you chance, in conversation, to get on a +side of an argument which you find not to be tenable, or +any other way over-shoot yourself, turn off the subject in +as easy and good humored a way as you can. If you proceed +still, and endeavor, right or wrong, to make your first +point good, you will only entangle yourself the more, and +in the end expose yourself.</p> + +<p>Never over-praise any absent person, especially ladies, +in company of ladies. It is the way to bring envy and +hatred upon those whom you wish well to.</p> + +<p>To try whether your conversation is likely to be acceptable +to people of sense, imagine what you say written down, +or printed, and consider how it would read; whether it +would appear natural, improving and entertaining; or +affected, unmeaning, or mischievous.<span class="pagenum">[43]</span></p> + +<p>It is better, in conversation with positive men, to turn +off the subject in dispute with some merry conceit, than +keep up the contention to the disturbance of the company.</p> + +<p>Don't give your advice upon any extraordinary emergency, +nor your opinion upon any difficult point, especially +in company of eminent persons, without first taking time +to deliberate. If you say nothing, it may not be known +whether your silence was owing to the ignorance of the +subject, or to modesty. If you give a rash and crude +opinion, you are effectually and irrecoverably exposed.</p> + +<p>If you fill your fancy, while you are in company, with +suspicions of their thinking meanly of you; if you puff +yourself up with imaginations of appearing to them a very +witty, or profound person; if you discompose yourself +with fears of misbehaving before them, or in any way put +yourself out of yourself, you will not appear in your natural +color, but in that of an affected, personated character, +which is always disagreeable.</p> + +<p>It may be useful to study, at leisure, a variety of proper +phrases for such occasions as are most frequent in life, as +civilities to superiors, expressions of kindness to inferiors; +congratulations, condolence, expressions of gratitude, acknowledgment +of faults, asking or denying of favors, etc. +I prescribe no particular phrases, because, our language +continually fluctuating, they must soon become stiff and +unfashionable. The best method of acquiring the accomplishment +of graceful and easy manner of expression for +the common occasions of life, is attention and imitation of +well-bred people. Nothing makes a man appear more +contemptible than barrenness, pedantry, or impropriety +of expression.</p> + +<p>Avoid flattery. A delicate compliment is permissible +in conversation, but flattery is broad, coarse, and to sensi<span class="pagenum">[44]</span>ble people, disgusting. If you flatter your superiors, they +will distrust you, thinking you have some selfish end; if +you flatter ladies, they will despise you, thinking you have +no other conversation.</p> + +<p>If you meet an ill-bred fellow in company, whose voice +and manners are offensive to you, you cannot resent it at +the time, because by so doing you compel the whole company +to be spectators of your quarrel, and the pleasure of +the party would be spoiled.</p> + +<p>If you must speak upon a difficult point, be the last +speaker if you can.</p> + +<p>You will not be agreeable to company, if you strive to +bring in or keep up a subject unsuitable to their capacities, +or humor.</p> + +<p>You will never convince a man of ordinary sense by overbearing +his understanding. If you dispute with him in +such a manner as to show a due deference for his judgment, +your complaisance may win him, though your saucy +arguments could not.</p> + +<p>Avoid appearing dogmatical and too positive in any assertions +you make, which can possibly be subject to any +contradiction. He that is peremptory in his own story, +may meet with another as positive as himself to contradict +him, and then the two Sir Positives will be sure to have a +skirmish.</p> + +<p>The frequent use of the name of God, or the Devil; +allusions to passages of Scripture; mocking at anything +serious and devout, oaths, vulgar by-words, cant phrases, +affected hard words, when familiar terms will do as well; +scraps of <i>Latin</i>, <i>Greek</i> or <i>French</i>; quotations from plays +spoke in a theatrical manner—all these, much used in con<span class="pagenum">[45]</span>versation, render a person very contemptible to grave and +wise men.</p> + +<p>If you send people away from your company well-pleased +with themselves, you need not fear but they will be well +enough pleased with you, whether they have received any +instruction from you or not. Most people had rather be +pleased than instructed.</p> + +<p>If you can express yourself to be perfectly understood +in ten words, never use a dozen. Go not about to prove, +by a long series of reasoning, what all the world is ready +to own.</p> + +<p>If any one takes the trouble of finding fault with you, +you ought in reason to suppose he has some regard for +you, else he would not run the hazard of disobliging you, +and drawing upon himself your hatred.</p> + +<p>Do not ruffle or provoke any man; why should any one +be the worse for coming into company with you? Be +not yourself provoked. Why should you give any man +the advantage over you?</p> + +<p>To say that one has opinions very different from those +commonly received, is saying that he either loves singularity, +or that he thinks for himself. Which of the two +is the case, can only be found by examining the grounds +of his opinions.</p> + +<p>Don't appear to the public too sure, or too eager upon +any project. If it should miscarry, which it is a chance +but it does, you will be laughed at. The surest way to +prevent which, is not to tell your designs or prospects in +life.</p> + +<p>If you give yourself a loose tongue in company, you may +almost depend on being pulled to pieces as soon as your<span class="pagenum">[46]</span> +back is turned, however they may seem entertained with +your conversation.</p> + +<p>For common conversation, men of ordinary abilities +will upon occasion do well enough. And you may always +pick something out of any man's discourse, by which you +may profit. For an intimate friend to improve by, you +must search half a country over, and be glad if you can +find him at last.</p> + +<p>Don't give your time to every superficial acquaintance: +it is bestowing what is to you of inestimable worth, upon +one who is not likely to be the better for it.</p> + +<p>If a person has behaved to you in an unaccountable +manner, don't at once conclude him a bad man, unless you +find his character given up by all who know him, nor +then, unless the facts alleged against him be undoubtedly +proved, and wholly inexcusable. But this is not advising +you to trust a person whose character you have any +reason to suspect. Nothing can be more absurd than the +common way of fixing people's characters. Such a one +has disobliged me, therefore he is a villain. Such another +has done me a kindness, therefore he is a saint.</p> + +<p>Superficial people are more agreeable the first time you +are in their company, than ever afterwards. Men of judgment +improve every succeeding conversation; beware +therefore of judging by one interview.</p> + +<p>You will not anger a man so much by showing him that +you hate him, as by expressing a contempt of him.</p> + +<p>Most women had rather have any of their good qualities +slighted, than their beauty. Yet that is the most inconsiderable +accomplishment of a woman of real merit.<span class="pagenum">[47]</span></p> + +<p>You will be always reckoned by the world nearly of the +same character with those whose company you keep.</p> + +<p>You will please so much the less, if you go into company +determined to shine. Let your conversation appear to +rise out of thoughts suggested by the occasion, not strained +or premeditated: nature always pleases: affectation is +always odious.</p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[48]</a></span></p> + +<h2>ON DRESS.</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> is hardly necessary to remind the reader that dress, +though often considered a trifling matter, is one of considerable +importance, for a man's personal appearance is a +sort of "index and obscure prologue" to his character.</p> + +<p>Lord Chesterfield has said, "I cannot help forming some +opinion of a man's sense and character from his dress." +Besides, the appearance of a well-dressed man commands +a certain degree of respect which would never be shown to +a sloven. As Shakspeare has written, "The world is still +deceived by ornament;" and there are those who associate +fine clothes with fine people so strongly, that they do not +trouble themselves to ascertain whether the wearers are +worthy of respect, as others form their opinions of books +by the gilding of the leaves and beauty of the binding.</p> + +<p>The dress of a gentleman should be such as not to excite +any special observation, unless it be for neatness and propriety. +The utmost care should be exercised to avoid even +the appearance of desiring to attract attention by the peculiar +formation of any article of attire, or by the display of +an immoderate quantity of jewelry, both being a positive +evidence of vulgarity. His dress should be studiously neat, +leaving no other impression than that of a well-dressed +gentleman.</p> + +<p>Well-bred people do not often dress in what is called the +"height of the fashion," as that is generally left to dan<span class="pagenum">[49]</span>dies and pretenders. But still it is undoubtedly a great +point gained to be well dressed. To be fancifully dressed, +in gaudy colors, is to be very badly dressed, however, and +is an example of ill taste which is rarely met with among +people of substantial good breeding.</p> + +<p>Cleanliness and neatness are the invariable accompaniments +of good breeding. Every gentleman may not be +dressed expensively, he may not be able to do so; but water +is cheap, and no gentleman will ever go into company unmindful +of cleanliness either in his person or apparel.</p> + +<p>A well-dressed man does not require so much an extensive +as a varied wardrobe. He wants a different costume +for every season and every occasion; but if what he selects +is simple rather than striking, he may appear in the same +clothes as often as he likes, as long as they are fresh and +appropriate to the season and the object. There are four +kinds of coats which he must have: a business coat, a frock-coat, +a dress-coat, and an over-coat. A well dressed man +may do well with four of the first, and one of each of the +others per annum. An economical man can get along +with less.</p> + +<p>Did any lady ever see a gentleman with an embroidered +waistcoat, and a profusion of chains, rings, and trinkets +adorning his person?</p> + +<p>Avoid affecting singularity in dress. Expensive dressing +is no sign of a gentleman. If a gentleman is able to dress +expensively it is very well for him to do so, but if <i>he is not +able</i> to wear ten-dollar broadcloth, he may comfort himself +with the reflection that cloth which costs but five dollars a +yard will look quite as well when made into a well-fitting +coat. With this suit, and well-made shoes, clean gloves, a +white pocket-handkerchief, and an easy and graceful deportment +withal, he may pass muster as a gentleman. Man<span class="pagenum">[50]</span>ners do quite as much to set off a suit of clothes as clothes +do to set off a graceful person.</p> + +<p>A dress perfectly suited to a tall, good-looking man, may +render one who is neither, ridiculous; as although the former +may wear a remarkable waistcoat or singular coat, <i>almost</i> +with impunity, the latter, by adopting a similar costume, +exposes himself to the laughter of all who see him. +An unassuming simplicity in dress should always be preferred, +as it prepossesses every one in favor of the wearer.</p> + +<p>Avoid what is called the "ruffianly style of dress," or +the <i>nonchalant</i> and <i>slouching</i> appearance of a half-unbuttoned +vest, and suspenderless pantaloons. That sort of affectation +is if possible even more disgusting than the painfully +elaborate frippery of the dandy.</p> + +<p>Gentlemen never make any display of jewelry; that is +given up entirely to the dominion of female taste. But +ladies of good taste seldom wear it in the morning. It is +reserved for evening display and for brilliant parties.</p> + +<p>The native independence of American character regards +with disdain many of the stringent social laws which are +recognized in England and on the continent. Thus, the +dress which many of our countryman adopt for the assembly-room +and private parties would subject them to serious +annoyance abroad. A frock-coat would not be tolerated a +moment in any fashionable society in Europe, and whether +it be esteemed a prejudice or otherwise, we are free to confess +that in our opinion it is a violation of good taste, and +unsuited either to a ball-room or private assembly.</p> + +<p>We should, however, be far from denying the claim of +gentleman to any person, simply because he wore a frock-coat; +for the fickle goddess, Fashion, tolerates it to a certain +extent in America; but if the universal custom among +the refined and polished members of society were to exclude<span class="pagenum">[51]</span> +it, as in Europe, its use would manifest a contempt for the +opinion of others, of which no gentleman could be guilty.</p> + +<p>If the title of gentleman should depend entirely and +solely on one's conformation to the laws of etiquette, the +most unprincipled profligate or debauchee might successfully +wear it; it is, however, but the finish and polish of the +jewel—not the diamond itself.</p> + +<p>If we were allowed to say anything to the ladies concerning +dress in a dictatorial way, and were sure of being +obeyed, we should order them generally to dress <i>less</i>. How +often do we see a female attired in the height of fashion, +perfectly gorgeous in costume, sweeping along the dusty +street, perspiring under the weight of her finery—dressed, +in fact, in a manner fit only for a carriage. This is a very +mistaken and absurd fashion, and such people would be +astonished to see the simplicity of real aristocracy as regards +dress.</p> + +<p>In our allusions to the dress of a gentleman, we have +urged a studied simplicity of apparel; the same remarks +are equally applicable to that of a lady. Indeed, <i>simplicity</i> +is the grand secret of a lady's toilet. When she burdens +herself with a profusion of <i>bijouterie</i> she rather detracts from +than adds to her personal appearance, while all <i>outré</i> fashions +and ultra styles of dress, though they excite attention, +neither win respect nor enhance the attraction of the +wearer.</p> + +<p>Some ladies, perhaps imagining that they are deficient +in personal charms—and we are willing to believe that there +are such, although the Chesterfieldian school of philosophers +would ridicule the idea—endeavor to make their clothes the +spell of their attraction. With this end in view, they labor +by lavish expenditure to supply in expensive adornment +what they lack in beauty of form or feature. Unfortunately +for their success, elegant dressing does not depend upon<span class="pagenum">[52]</span> +expense. A lady might wear the costliest silks that Italy +could produce, adorn herself with laces from Brussels which +years of patient toil are required to fabricate; she might +carry the jewels of an Eastern princess around her neck and +upon her wrists and fingers, yet still, in appearance, be +essentially vulgar. These were as nothing without grace, +without adaptation, without a harmonious blending of +colors, without the exercise of discrimination and good +taste.</p> + +<p>The most appropriate and becoming dress is that which +so harmonizes with the figure as to make the apparel unobserved. +When any particular portion of it excites the attention, +there is a defect, for the details should not present +themselves first but the result of perfect dressing should +be an <i>elegant woman</i>, the dress commanding no especial regard. +Men are but indifferent judges of the material of a +lady's dress; in fact, they care nothing about the matter. +A modest countenance and pleasing figure, habited in an +inexpensive attire, would win more attention from men, +than awkwardness and effrontery, clad in the richest satins +of Stewart and the costliest gems of Tiffany.</p> + +<p>There are occasionally to be found among both sexes, persons +who neglect their dress through a ridiculous affectation +of singularity, and who take pride in being thought +utterly indifferent to their personal appearance. Millionaires +are very apt to manifest this characteristic, but with +them it generally arises through a miserly penuriousness +of disposition; their imitators, however, are even more deficient +than they in common sense.</p> + +<p>Lavater has urged that persons habitually attentive to +their attire, display the same regularity in their domestic +affairs. He also says: "Young women who neglect their +toilet and manifest little concern about dress, indicate a<span class="pagenum">[53]</span> +general disregard of order—a mind but ill adapted to the +details of housekeeping—a deficiency of taste and of the +qualities that inspire love."</p> + +<p>Hence the desire of exhibiting an amiable exterior is essentially +requisite in a young lady, for it indicates cleanliness, +sweetness, a love of order and propriety, and all +those virtues which are attractive to their associates, and +particularly to those of the other sex.</p> + +<p>Chesterfield asserts that a sympathy goes through every +action of our lives, and that he could not help conceiving +some idea of people's sense and character from the dress in +which they appeared when introduced to him.</p> + +<p>Another writer has remarked that he never yet met with +a woman whose general style of dress was chaste, elegant +and appropriate, that he did not find her on further acquaintance +to be, in disposition and mind, an object to +admire and love.</p> + +<p>The fair sex have the reputation of being passionately +fond of dress, and the love of it has been said to be natural +to women. We are not disposed to deny it, but we do not +regard it as a weakness nor a peculiarity to be condemned. +Dress is the appropriate finish of beauty. Some one has +said that, "Without dress a handsome person is a gem, +but a gem that is not set. But dress," he further remarks, +"must be consistent with the graces and with nature."</p> + +<p>"Taste," says a celebrated divine, "requires a congruity +between the internal character and the external appearance; +the imagination will involuntarily form to itself an +idea of such a correspondence. First ideas are, in general, +of considerable consequence. I should therefore think +it wise in the female world to take care that their <i>appearance</i> +should not convey a forbidding idea to the most superficial +observer.<span class="pagenum">[54]</span>"</p> + +<p>As we have already remarked, the secret of perfect dressing +is simplicity, costliness being no essential element of +real elegance. We have to add that everything depends +upon the judgment and good taste of the wearer. These +should always be a harmonious adaptation of one article of +attire to another, as also to the size, figure and complexion +of the wearer. There should be a correspondence in all +parts of a lady's toilet, so as to present a perfect entirety. +Thus, when we see a female of light, delicate complexion, +penciling her eyebrows until they are positively black, we +cannot but entertain a contempt for her lack of taste and +good sense. There is a harmony in nature's tints which +art can never equal, much less improve.</p> + +<p>A fair face is generally accompanied by blue eyes, light +hair, eyebrows and lashes. There is a delicacy and harmonious +blending of correspondences which are in perfect +keeping; but if you sully the eyebrows with blackness, +you destroy all similitude of feature and expression, and +almost present a deformity.</p> + +<p>We cannot but allude to the practice of using white +paints, a habit strongly to be condemned. If for no other +reason than that poison lurks beneath every layer, inducing +paralytic affections and premature death, they should +be discarded—but they are a disguise which deceives no +one, even at a distance; there is a ghastly deathliness in +the appearance of the skin after it has been painted, which +is far removed from the natural hue of health.</p> + +<p>The hostess should be particularly careful not to outshine +her guests. We have seen many instances where +a lady, fond of dress, (and what lady is not fond of dress?) +and conscious that it is unbecoming to dress to excess +when visitors are invited, yet so unable to restrain the desire +of display, has made the whole of her guests look +shabby, by the contrast of her own gay colors. To dress<span class="pagenum">[55]</span> +meanly is a mark of disrespect to the company, but it is +equally so to make a very gay appearance. If you make +a grand display yourself, you are apt to appear as if you +wished to parade your appearance, and it is always safer +to be under than over the mark.</p> + +<p>In going out, consider the sort of company you are likely +to meet, and endeavor to assimilate to them as much as +possible—for to make a great display elsewhere is an evidence +of bad taste. But here if you miss the happy medium, +dress above the mark rather than below it, for you +may dress more out of doors than you may at home. +Where dancing is expected to take place, no one should go +without new kid gloves; nothing is so revolting as to see +one person in an assembly ungloved, especially where the +heat of the room, and the exercise together, are sure to +make the hands redder than usual. Always wear your +gloves in church or in a theater.</p> + +<p>We may add a few general maxims, applied to both sexes, +and our task will be done.</p> + +<p>"All affectation in dress," says Chesterfield, "implies a +flaw in the understanding." One should, therefore, avoid +being singular, or attracting the notice, and the tongues +of the sarcastic, by being eccentric.</p> + +<p>Never dress against any one. Choose those garments +which suit you, and look well upon you, perfectly irrespective +of the fact that a lady or gentleman in the same +village or street may excel you.</p> + +<p>When dressed for company, strive to appear as easy and +natural as if you were in undress. Nothing is more distressing +to a sensitive person, or more ridiculous to one +gifted with an <i>esprit moqueur</i>, than to see a lady laboring +under the consciousness of a fine gown; or a gentleman +who is stiff, awkward, and ungainly in a bran-new coat.<span class="pagenum">[56]</span></p> + +<p>Dress according to your age. It is both painful and +ridiculous to see an old lady dressed as a belle of four-and-twenty, +or an old fellow, old enough for a grandfather, +affecting the costume and the manners of a <i>beau</i>.</p> + +<p>Young men should be <i>well</i> dressed. Not foppishly, but +neatly and well. An untidy person at five-and-twenty, +degenerates, very frequently, into a sloven and a boor at +fifty.</p> + +<p>Be not too negligent, nor too studied in your attire; +and lastly, let your behavior and conversation suit the +clothes you wear, so that those who know you may feel +that, after all, dress and external appearance is the least +portion of a <span class="smcap">Lady</span> or <span class="smcap">Gentleman</span>.</p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[57]</a></span></p> + +<h2>INTRODUCTIONS.</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> custom which prevails in country places of introducing +everybody you meet to each other, is both an annoying +and an improper one. As a general rule, introductions +ought not to be made, except where there is undoubted +evidence that the acquaintance would be mutually agreeable +and proper.</p> + +<p>But if you should find an agreeable person in private +society, who seems desirous of making your acquaintance, +there cannot be any objection to your meeting his advances +half way, although the ceremony of an "introduction" +may not have taken place; his presence in your friend's +house being a sufficient guarantee for his respectability, as +of course if he were an improper person he would not be +there.</p> + +<p>It is customary in introducing people, to present the +youngest person to the oldest, or the humblest to the +highest in position, if there is any distinction.</p> + +<p>In introducing a gentleman to a lady, address her first, +thus: "Miss Mason, permit me to present you to Mr. +Kent;" or, "Mr. Trevor, I have the pleasure of presenting +to you Mr. Marlow." When one lady is married, and the +other single, present the single lady to the matron—"Miss +Harris, allow me to introduce you to Mrs. Martin."</p> + +<p>When you introduce parties whom you are quite sure +will be pleased with each other, it is well to add, after the<span class="pagenum">[58]</span> +introduction, that you take great pleasure in making them +acquainted, which will be an assurance to each that you +think they are well matched, and thus they are prepared +to be friends from the start.</p> + +<p>In introducing parties, be careful to pronounce each +name distinctly, as there is nothing more awkward than to +have one's name miscalled.</p> + +<p>In introducing a foreigner, it is proper to present him +as "Mr. Leslie, from England;" "Mr. La Rue from +France." Likewise when presenting an American who has +recently returned after traveling in distant lands, make +him known as "Mr. Dunlap, lately from France," or "Mr. +Meadows, recently from Italy."</p> + +<p>It is very easy to make these slight specifications, and +they at once afford an opening for conversation between +the two strangers, for nothing will be more natural than to +ask "the recently arrived" something about his voyage, or +the places he has seen during his travels.</p> + +<p>When presenting a governor, designate the State he governs—as, +"Governor Fenton of New York." In introducing +a member of Congress, mention the State to which he +belongs, as "Mr. Sherman of Ohio," or "Mr. Banks of +Massachusetts." Do not forget that Congress includes the +two legislative bodies.</p> + +<p>When introducing any of the members of your own family, +mention the name in an audible tone. It is not +considered sufficient to say "My father," "My mother," +"My sister," or "My brother." But say, "My father, +Mr. Stanley," "My brother, Mr. Weston," "My sister, +Miss or Mrs. Hope." It is best to be explicit in all these +things, for there may be more than one surname in the +family. The eldest daughter should be introduced by her<span class="pagenum">[59]</span> +surname only, as, "Miss Sherwood," her younger sisters, +as "Miss Maud Sherwood," "Miss Mary Sherwood."</p> + +<p>In presenting a clergyman, do not neglect to put "Reverend" +before his name. If he is a D. D. say, "The Reverend +Doctor." If he is a bishop, then the word bishop is +sufficient.</p> + +<p>When you are introduced to a person, be careful not to +appear as though you had never heard of him before. If +he happens to be a person of any distinction, such a mistake +would be unpardonable, and no person is complimented +by being reminded of the fact that his name is unknown.</p> + +<p>If by any misfortune you have been introduced to a person +whose acquaintance you do not desire, you can merely +make the formal bow of etiquette when you meet him, +which, of itself, encourages no familiarity; but <i>the bow is +indispensable</i>, for he cannot be thought a gentleman who +would pass another with a vacant stare, after having been +formally presented to him. By so doing, he would offer +a slight which would justly make him appear contemptible +even in the eyes of the person he means to humble.</p> + +<p>What is called "cutting" another is never practiced by +gentlemen or ladies, except in some extraordinary instances +of bad conduct on the part of the individual thus sacrificed. +An increased degree of ceremony and formal +politeness is the most delicate way of withdrawing from an +unpleasant acquaintance. Indeed, what is called "cutting" +is rarely ever practiced by well-bred ladies and +gentlemen.</p> + +<p>On introduction in a room, a married lady generally +offers her hand, a young lady not; in a ball-room, where +the introduction is to dancing, not to friendship, you +never shake hands; and as a general rule, an introduction +is not followed by shaking hands—only by a bow. It may<span class="pagenum">[60]</span> +perhaps be laid down, that the more public the place of +introduction, the less hand-shaking takes place; but if the +introduction be particular, if it be accompanied by personal +recommendation, such as, "I want you to know my +friend Jones," then you give Jones your hand, and warmly +too.</p> + +<p>It is understood in society, that a person who has been +<i>properly</i> introduced to you, has some claim on your good +offices in future; you cannot therefore slight him without +good reason, and the chance of being called to an account +for it.</p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[61]</a></span></p> + +<h2>LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION.</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">Letters</span> of introduction are to be regarded as certificates +of respectability, and are therefore never to be given where +you do not feel sure on this point. To send a person of +whom you know nothing into the confidence and family +of a friend, is an unpardonable recklessness. In England, +letters of introduction are called "tickets to soup," because +it is generally customary to invite a gentleman to dine who +comes with a letter of introduction to you. Such is also +the practice, to some extent, in this country, but etiquette +<i>here</i> does not make the dinner so essential as <i>there</i>.</p> + +<p>In England, the party holding a letter of introduction +never takes it himself to the party to whom it is addressed, +but he sends it with his card of address.</p> + +<p>In France, and on the continent of Europe generally, +directly the reverse is the fashion. In America the English +custom generally prevails; though where a young +gentleman has a letter to one who is many years his senior, +or to one whose aid he seeks in some enterprise, he takes +it at once himself.</p> + +<p>When a gentleman, bearing a letter of introduction to +you, leaves his card, you should call on him, or send a +note, as early as possible. There is no greater insult than +to treat a letter of introduction with indifference—it is a +slight to the stranger as well as to the introducer, which +no subsequent attentions will cancel. After you have<span class="pagenum">[62]</span> +made this call, it is, to some extent, optional with you as +to what further attentions you shall pay the party. In +this country everybody is supposed to be very busy, which +is always a sufficient excuse for not paying elaborate attentions +to visitors. It is not demanded that any man shall +neglect his business to wait upon visitors or guests.</p> + +<p>Do not imagine these little ceremonies to be insignificant +and beneath your attention; they are the customs of society; +and if you do not conform to them, you will gain the +unenviable distinction of being pointed out as an ignorant, +ill-bred person. Not that you may <i>care</i> the more for +strangers by showing them civility, but you should scrupulously +avoid the imputation of being deficient in good-breeding; +and if you do not choose to be polite for <i>their</i> +sakes, you ought to be so for <i>your own</i>.</p> + +<p>Letters of introduction should only be given by actual +friends of the persons addressed, and to actual friends of +their own. Never, if you are wise, give a letter to a person +whom you do not know, nor address one to one whom +you know slightly. The letter of introduction, if actually +given to its bearer, should be left unsealed, that he may +not incur the fate of the Persian messenger, who brought +tablets of introduction recommending the new acquaintance +to cut his head off. A letter of this kind must +therefore be carefully worded, stating in full the name of +the person introduced, but with as few remarks about +him as possible. It is generally sufficient to say that he +is a friend of yours, whom you trust your other friend +will receive with attention, etc. In traveling it is well to +have as many letters as possible, but not to pin your faith +on them.</p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[63]</a></span></p> + +<h2>DINNER PARTIES.</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">Invitations</span> to dine, from a married party, are sent in +some such form as the following:</p> + +<blockquote><p>Mr. and Mrs. A—— present their compliments to Mr. and Mrs. B——, +and request the honor, [or hope to have the pleasure] of their company to +dinner on Wednesday, the 10th of December next, at seven.</p> + +<p>A—— Street, November 18th, 18—.</p> + +<p class="author">R. S. V. P. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>The letters in the corner imply "<i>Répondez, s'il vous +plait</i>;" meaning, "an answer will oblige." The reply, +accepting the invitation, is concluded in the following +terms:</p> + +<blockquote><p>Mr. and Mrs. B—— present their compliments to Mr. and Mrs. A——, +and will do themselves the honor, [or will have much pleasure in] accepting +their kind invitation to dinner on the 10th of December next.</p> + +<p>B—— Square, November 21st, 18—.</p></blockquote> + +<p>The answer to invitations to dine, accepting or declining, +should be sent immediately, and are always addressed to +the lady. If, after you have accepted an invitation, anything +occurs to render it impossible for you to go, the lady +should be informed of it immediately. It is a great breach +of etiquette not to answer an invitation as soon after it is +received as possible, and it is an insult to disappoint when +we have promised.<span class="pagenum">[64]</span></p> + +<p>Cards or invitations for a dinner party, should be issued +at least two weeks beforehand, and care should be taken +by the hostess, in the selection of the invited guests, that +they should be suited to each other. Much also of the +pleasure of the dinner-party will depend on the arrangement +of the guests at table, so as to form a due admixture +of talkers and listeners, the grave and the gay.</p> + +<p>Letters or cards of invitation should always name the +hour of dinner; and well-bred people will arrive as nearly +at the specified time as they can. Be sure and not be a +minute behind the time, and you should not get there +long before, unless the invitation requests you particularly +to come early for a little chat before dinner.</p> + +<p>It is always best for the lady of the house, where a +dinner-party is to come off, to be dressed and ready to +appear in the drawing-room as early as possible, so that if +any of the guests should happen to come a little early, she +may be prepared to receive them. It is awkward for both +parties where visitors arrive before the lady of the house is +ready for them. If it is necessary for her to keep an eye +upon the dinner, it is still best that she should familiarly +receive her guests, and beg to be excused, if it is necessary +for her to vanish occasionally to the kitchen. A real lady +is not ashamed to have it known that she goes into the +kitchen; on the contrary, it is more likely that she will be +a little proud of being thought capable of superintending +the preparing feast.</p> + +<p>It is not in good taste for the lady of the house, where a +dinner-party is given, to dress very much. She leaves it +for her lady-guests to make what display they please, and +she offers no rivalry to their fine things. She contents +herself with a tasty <i>négligé</i>, which often proves the most +fascinating equipment after all, especially, if the cheeks +become a little flushed with natural bloom, in consequence<span class="pagenum">[65]</span> +of the exercise and anxiety incident to the reception of +the guests.</p> + +<p>The half hour before dinner has always been considered +as the great ordeal through which the lady of the house, +in giving a dinner-party, will either pass with flying colors, +or lose many of her laurels. The anxiety to receive her +guests, her hope that all will be present in good time, her +trust in the skill of her cook, and the attention of the other +domestics all tend to make the few minutes a trying time. +The lady however, must display no kind of agitation, but +show her tact in suggesting light and cheerful subjects of +conversation, which will be much aided by the introduction +of any particular new book, curiosity of art, or article +of <i>virtu</i>, which may pleasantly engage the attention of +the company.</p> + +<p>"Waiting for dinner," however, is a trying time, and +there are few who have not felt——</p> + +<div class="inset" style="width: 16em"> +<p class="noin"> +"How sad it is to sit and pine,<br /> +The long <i>half-hour</i> before we dine!<br /> +Upon our watches oft we look,<br /> +Then wonder at the clock and cook,<br /> +<br /> +And strive to laugh in spite of Fate!<br /> +But laughter forced, soon quits the room,<br /> +And leaves it to its former gloom.<br /> +But lo! the dinner now appears,<br /> +The object of our hope and fears,<br /> + The end of all our pain!" +</p> +</div> + +<p>In giving an entertainment of this kind, the lady should +remember that it is her duty to make her guests feel happy, +comfortable, and quite at their ease; and the guests should +also consider that they have come to the house of their +hostess to be happy.</p> + +<p>When dinner is on the table, the lady and gentleman of +the house will have an opportunity of showing their tact<span class="pagenum">[66]</span> +by seeing that the most distinguished guests, or the <i>oldest</i>, +are shown into the dining-room first, and by making those +companions at the table who are most likely to be agreeable +to each other. The lady of the house may lead the +way, or follow her guests into the dining-room, as she +pleases. Among those who delight to follow the etiquette +of the English nobility, the latter practice is followed. +But the practice must not be considered a test of good +breeding in America. If the lady leads, the husband will +follow behind the guests, with the lady on his arm who is +to sit at his side. The old custom is still followed to some +extent in this country, of the lady taking the head of the +table, with the two most favored guests seated, the one at +her right and the other at her left hand; while the gentleman +of the house takes the foot of the table, supported on +each side by the two ladies most entitled to consideration. +But this old rule is by no means slavishly followed in polite +society in this country.</p> + +<p>In order to be able to watch the course of the dinner, +and to see that nothing is wanting to their guests, the +lady and gentleman of the house usually seat themselves +in the centre of the table, opposite each other.</p> + +<p>When all the guests are seated, the lady of the house +serves in plates, from a pile at her left hand, the soup, +which she sends round, beginning with her neighbors right +and left, and continuing till all are helped. These first +plates usually pass twice, for each guest endeavors to induce +his neighbor to accept what was sent to him.</p> + +<p>The gentleman then carves, or causes to be carved by +some expert guest, the large pieces, in order afterwards to +do the other honors himself. If you have no skill in +carving meats, do not attempt it; nor should you ever +discharge this duty except when your good offices are +solicited by him; neither can we refuse anything sent us +from his hand.</p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[67]</a></span></p> + +<h2>HABITS AT TABLE.</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">As</span> soon as dinner is announced, the host or hostess will +give the signal for leaving the drawing-room, and in all +probability you will be requested to escort one of the ladies +to the table. If this should occur, offer the lady your left +arm, and at the table remain standing until every lady is +seated, then take the place assigned to you by the hostess. +When you leave the parlor, pass out first, and the lady will +follow you, still lightly holding your arm. At the door of +the dining-room, the lady will drop your arm. You should +then pass in, and wait at one side of the entrance till she +passes you. Having arrived at the table, each gentleman +respectfully salutes the lady whom he conducts, who in +her turn, also bows and takes her seat.</p> + +<p>Nothing indicates the good breeding of a gentleman so +much as his manners at table. There are a thousand little +points to be observed, which, although not absolutely +necessary, distinctly stamp the refined and well-bred +man. A man may pass muster by <i>dressing well</i>, and may +sustain himself tolerably in conversation; but if he be not +perfectly <i>"au fait," dinner</i> will betray him.</p> + +<p>Any unpleasant peculiarity, abruptness, or coarseness of +manners, is especially offensive at table. People are more +easily disgusted at that time than at any other. All such +acts as leaning over on one side in your chair, placing your +elbows on the table, or on the back of your neighbor's<span class="pagenum">[68]</span> +chair, gaping, twisting about restlessly in your seat, are to +be avoided as heresies of the most infidel stamp at table.</p> + +<p>Though the body at table should always be kept in a +tolerably upright and easy position, yet one need not sit +bolt-upright, as stiff and prim as a poker. To be easy, to +be natural, and to appear comfortable, is the deportment +required.</p> + +<p>Always go to a dinner as neatly dressed as possible. The +expensiveness of your apparel is not of much importance, +but its freshness and cleanliness are indispensable. The +hands and finger-nails require especial attention. It is a +great insult to every lady at the table for a man to sit down +to dinner with his hands in a bad condition.</p> + +<p>It is considered vulgar to take fish or soup twice. The +<i>reason</i> for not being helped twice to fish or soup at a large +dinner-party is, because by doing so you keep three parts +of the company staring at you whilst waiting for the second +course, which is spoiling, much to the annoyance of the +mistress of the house. The selfish greediness, therefore, +of so doing constitutes its vulgarity. At a family dinner +it is of less importance, and is consequently often done.</p> + +<p>You will sip your soup as quietly as possible from the +side of the spoon, and you, of course, will not commit the +vulgarity of blowing in it, or trying to cool it, after it is in +your mouth, by drawing in an unusual quantity of air, for +by so doing you would be sure to annoy, if you did not +turn the stomach of the lady or gentleman next to you.</p> + +<p>Be careful and do not touch either your knife or your +fork until after you have finished eating your soup. Leave +your spoon in your soup plate, that the servant may remove +them.</p> + +<p>Never <i>use your knife to convey</i> your food to your mouth, +<i>under any circumstances</i>; it is unnecessary, and glaringly<span class="pagenum">[69]</span> +vulgar. Feed yourself with a <i>fork</i> or <i>spoon</i>, <i>nothing else</i>—a +knife is only to be used for cutting.</p> + +<p>If at dinner you are requested to help any one to sauce, +do not pour it over the meat or vegetables, but on one +side. If you should have to carve and help a joint, do not +load a person's plate—it is vulgar; also in serving soup, +one ladleful to each plate is sufficient.</p> + +<p>Fish should always be helped with a silver fish-slice, and +your own portion of it divided by the fork aided by a piece +of bread. The application of a knife to fish is likely to +destroy the delicacy of its flavor; besides which, fish sauces +are often acidulated; acids corrode steel, and draw from +it a disagreeable taste.</p> + +<p>The lady and gentleman of the house are, of course, +helped last, and they are very particular to notice, every +minute, whether the waiters are attentive to every guest. +But they do not press people either to eat more than they +appear to want, nor <i>insist</i> upon their partaking of any particular +dish. It is allowable for you to recommend, so far +as to say that it is considered "excellent," but remember +that tastes differ, and dishes which suit <i>you</i>, may be unpleasant +to others; and that, in consequence of your +urgency, some modest people might feel themselves compelled +to partake of what is disagreeable to them.</p> + +<p>Neither ladies nor gentlemen ever wear gloves at table, +unless their hands, from some cause, are not fit to be seen.</p> + +<p>Avoid too slow or too rapid eating; the one will appear +as though you did not like your dinner, and the other as +though you were afraid you would not get enough.</p> + +<p>Making a noise in chewing your food, or breathing hard +in eating, are unseemly habits, which will be sure to get +you a bad name at table, among people of good-breeding.<span class="pagenum">[70]</span> +Let it be a sacred rule that <i>you cannot use your knife, or +fork, or teeth too quietly</i>.</p> + +<p>Avoid picking your teeth, if possible, at table, for however +agreeable such a practice might be to yourself, it may +be offensive to others. The habit which some have of +holding one hand over the mouth, does not avoid the vulgarity +of teeth-picking at table.</p> + +<p>Unless you are requested to do so, never select any particular +part of a dish; but if your host asks you what +part you prefer, name some part, as in this case the incivility +would consist in making your host choose as well as +carve for you.</p> + +<p>If your host or hostess passes you a plate, keep it, +especially if you have chosen the food upon it, for others +have also a choice, and by passing it, you may give your +neighbor dishes distasteful to him, and take yourself those +which he would much prefer.</p> + +<p>If a dish is distasteful to you, decline it, but make no +remarks about it. It is sickening and disgusting to explain +at a table how one article makes you sick, or why some +other dish has become distasteful to you. I have seen a +well-dressed tempting dish go from a table untouched, +because one of the company told a most disgusting anecdote +about finding vermin served in a similar dish.</p> + +<p>If the meat or fish upon your plate is too rare or too +well-done, do not eat it; give for an excuse that you prefer +some other dish before you; but never tell your host +that his cook has made the dish uneatable.</p> + +<p>If a gentleman is seated by the side of a lady or elderly +person, politeness requires him to save them all trouble of +pouring out for themselves to drink, and of obtaining +whatever they are in want of at the table. He should be<span class="pagenum">[71]</span> +eager to offer them whatever he thinks to be most to their +taste.</p> + +<p>Never pare an apple or a pear for a lady unless she desire +you, and then be careful to use your fork to hold it; you +may sometimes offer to <i>divide a very large pear</i> with or for +a person.</p> + +<p>It is not good taste to praise extravagantly every dish +that is set before you; but if there are some things that +are really very nice, it is well to speak in their praise. +But, above all things, avoid seeming indifferent to the +dinner that is provided for you, as that might be construed +into a dissatisfaction with it.</p> + +<p>Some persons, in helping their guests, or recommending +dishes to their taste, preface every such action with a eulogy +on its merits, and draw every bottle of wine with an +account of its virtues; others, running into the contrary +extreme, regret or fear that each dish is not exactly as it +should be; that the cook, etc., etc. Both of these habits +are grievous errors. You should leave it to your guests +alone to approve, or suffer one of your intimate friends +who is present, to vaunt your wine.</p> + +<p>If you ask the waiter for anything, you will be careful to +speak to him gently in the tone of <i>request</i>, and not of <i>command</i>. +To speak to a waiter in a driving manner will +create, among well-bred people, the suspicion that you +were sometime a servant yourself, and are putting on <i>airs</i> +at the thought of your promotion. Lord Chesterfield says: +"If I tell a footman to bring me a glass of wine, in a +rough, insulting manner, I should expect that, in obeying +me, he would contrive to spill some of it upon me, and I +am sure I should deserve it."</p> + +<p>Should your servants break anything while you are at +table, never turn round, or inquire into the particulars,<span class="pagenum">[72]</span> +however annoyed you may feel. If your servants betray +stupidity or awkwardness in waiting on your guests, avoid +reprimanding them <i>publicly</i>, as it only draws attention to +their errors, and adds to their embarrassment.</p> + +<p>Never commit the vulgarism of speaking when you have +any food in your mouth.</p> + +<p>When you have occasion to change or pass your plate +during dinner, be careful and remove your knife and fork, +that the plate <i>alone</i> may be taken, but after you have finished +your dinner, cross the knife and fork on the plate, +that the servant may take all away, before bringing you +clean ones for dessert.</p> + +<p>Do not put butter on your bread at dinner, and avoid +biting or cutting your bread from the slice, or roll; rather +break off small pieces, and put these in your mouth with +your fingers.</p> + +<p>It is considered vulgar to dip a piece of bread into the +preserves or gravy upon your plate and then bite it. If +you desire to eat them together, it is much better to break +the bread in small pieces, and convey these to your mouth +with your fork.</p> + +<p>Avoid putting bones, or the seeds of fruit, upon your +table-cloth. Rather place them upon the edge of your +plate.</p> + +<p>When you wish to help yourself to butter, salt, or sugar, +use the butter-knife, salt-spoon and sugar-tongs; to use +your own knife, spoon or fingers evinces great ignorance +and ill-breeding.</p> + +<p>It is customary in some American families to serve their +guests with coffee in the parlor after dinner. But this is a +European custom which is not generally practiced in polite +American society. When coffee is given at the close<span class="pagenum">[73]</span> +of the dinner, it is more usual to serve it before the guests +leave the table. The practice of handing it round in the +parlor or drawing-room, is an unnecessary inconvenience to +the guests particularly, without any compensating advantages.</p> + +<p>Finger-glasses are generally handed round as soon as the +viands are removed, but they are intended merely to wet +the fingers and around the mouth. When the finger-glasses +are passed, wet your fingers in them and then wipe +them upon your napkin. The habit of rinsing the mouth +at table is a disgusting piece of indelicacy, which is never +practiced by any well-bred person.</p> + +<p>Upon leaving the table, lay your napkin beside your +plate, but do not fold it.</p> + +<p>Do not leave the table until the lady of the house gives +the signal, and when you leave offer your arm to the lady +whom you escorted to the table.</p> + +<p>It is generally the custom in this country for ladies to +retain their seats at table till the end of the feast, but if +they withdraw, the gentlemen all rise when they leave the +table, and remain standing until they have left the room.</p> + +<p>Politeness demands that you remain at least an hour in +the parlor, after dinner; and, if you can dispose of an +entire evening, it would be well to devote it to the person +who has entertained you. It is excessively rude to leave +the house as soon as dinner is over.</p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[74]</a></span></p> + +<h2>WINE AT TABLE.</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">Almost</span> every gentleman has wine at his table whenever +he has invited guests. Indeed, wine is considered an indispensable +part of a good dinner, to which ladies and +gentlemen have been formally invited. Even if you are a +total-abstinence man yourself, you will not, if you are +really a gentleman, attempt to compel all your guests to be +so against their wish. If you are so fanatical that you +have what is called "conscientious scruples" against furnishing +wine, then you should invite none to dine who are +not as fanatical and bigoted as yourself. You must consider +that a gentleman may have "conscientious scruples" +against dining with you on cold water, for there are even +temperate and sober gentleman who would go without +meat as soon as be deprived of their glass of wine at dinner. +The vegetarian, who would force his guests to dine on +cabbages and onions, is hardly guilty of a greater breach +of etiquette than the total-abstinence fanatic who would +compel his guests to go without wine.</p> + +<p>If there is a gentleman at the table who is known to be +a total-abstinence man, you will not urge him to drink. +He will suffer his glass to be filled at the first passage of +the wine, and raising it to his lips, will bow his respects +with the rest of the guests, and after that his glass will be +allowed to remain untouched. As little notice as possible +should be taken of his total-abstinence peculiarity. And, +if he is a gentleman, he will carefully avoid drawing attention +to it himself.<span class="pagenum">[75]</span></p> + +<p>It is not now the custom to ask a lady across the table +to take wine with you. It is expected that every lady will +be properly helped to wine by the gentleman who takes her +to the table, or who sits next to her. But if you are in +company where the old custom prevails, it would be better +breeding to follow the custom of the place, rather than +by an omission of what your entertainer considers civility, +to prove him, in face of his guests, to be either ignorant +or vulgar. If either a lady or gentleman is invited to +take wine at table, they must <i>never refuse</i>; if they do not +<i>drink</i>, they need only touch the wine to their lips. Do +not offer to help a lady to wine until you see she has finished +her soup or fish.</p> + +<p>Always wipe your mouth before drinking, as nothing is +more ill-bred than to grease your glass with your lips.</p> + +<p>Do not propose to take wine with your host; it is his +privilege to invite you.</p> + +<p>It is considered well bred to take the same wine as that +selected by the person with whom you drink. When, however, +the wine chosen by him is unpalatable to you, it is allowable +to take that which you prefer, at the same time +apologizingly saying, "Will you permit me to drink <i>claret</i>?" +or whatever wine you have selected.</p> + +<p>In inviting a lady to take wine with you at table, you +should politely say, "Shall I have the pleasure of a glass +of wine with you?" You will then either hand her the +bottle you have selected, or send it by the waiter, and +afterwards fill your own glass, when you will politely and +silently bow to each other, as you raise the wine to your +lips. The same ceremony is to be observed when inviting +a gentleman.</p> + +<p>On raising the first glass of wine to his lips, it is customary +for a gentleman to bow to the lady of the house.<span class="pagenum">[76]</span></p> + +<p>It is not customary to propose <i>toasts</i> or to drink deep at +a gentleman's family table. Lord Byron describes "a +largish party," as "first silent, then talky, then argumentative, +then disputatious, then unintelligible, then altogethery, +then drunk." But this was "a largish party," +which, it is to be hoped, was given at a tavern; for the man +who drinks to intoxication, or to any considerable degree of +<i>elevation</i>, at a gentleman's family table, ought never to expect +to be invited a second time.</p> + +<p>At dinner-parties which are given to gentlemen, for the +purpose of conviviality, one may indulge in as much wine +as he pleases, provided he does not get <i>drunk</i>, and make a +nuisance of himself. Where drinking, and toasting, and +bumpers, are the order of the feast, as at a public dinner, +given in honor of a distinguished man, or at the inauguration +of some public enterprise, far greater latitude is +allowed, in all things, than on more private and select occasions.</p> + +<p>In conclusion of our article on table etiquette, we quote +from a recent English work, some humorous, but valuable +hints:</p> + +<p>"We now come to habits at table, which are very important. +However agreeable a man may be in society, if +he offends or disgusts by his table traits, he will soon be +scouted from it, and justly so. There are some broad rules +for behavior at table. Whenever there is a servant to help +you, never help yourself. Never put a knife into your +mouth, not even with cheese, which should be eaten with +a fork. Never use a spoon for anything but liquids. +Never touch anything edible with your fingers.</p> + +<p>"Forks were undoubtedly a later invention than fingers, +but as we are not cannibals, I am inclined to think they +were a good one. There are some few things which you<span class="pagenum">[77]</span> +may take up with your fingers. Thus an epicure will eat +even macaroni with his fingers; and as sucking asparagus +is more pleasant than chewing it, you may, as an epicure, +take it up <i>au naturel</i>. But both these things are generally +eaten with a fork. Bread is, of course, eaten with the fingers, +and it would be absurd to carve it with your knife and +fork. It must, on the contrary, always be broken when +not buttered, and you should never put a slice of dry bread +to your mouth to bite a piece off. Most fresh fruit, too, is +eaten with the natural prongs, but when you have peeled +an orange or apple, you should cut it with the aid of the +fork, unless you can succeed in breaking it. Apropos of +which, I may hint that no epicure ever yet put a knife to +an apple, and that an orange should be peeled with a +spoon. But the art of peeling an orange so as to hold its +own juice, and its own sugar too, is one that can scarcely +be taught in a book.</p> + +<p>"However, let us go to dinner, and I will soon tell you +whether you are a well-bred man or not; and here let me +premise that what is good manners for a small dinner is +good manners for a large one, and <i>vice versa</i>. Now, the +first thing you do is to sit down. Stop, sir! pray do not +cram yourself into the table in that way; no, nor sit a yard +from it, like that. How graceless, inconvenient, and in +the way of conversation! Why, dear me! you are positively +putting your elbows on the table, and now you have +got your hands fumbling about with the spoons and forks, +and now you are nearly knocking my new hock glasses +over. Can't you take your hands down, sir? Didn't you, +learn that in the nursery? Didn't your mamma say to +you, "Never put your hands above the table except to +carve or eat?" Oh! but come, no nonsense, sit up, if +you please. I can't have your fine head of hair forming a +side dish on my table; you must not bury your face in the +plate; you came to show it, and it ought to be alive. Well,<span class="pagenum">[78]</span> +but there is no occasion to throw your head back like that, +you look like an alderman, sir, <i>after</i> dinner. Pray, don't +lounge in that sleepy way. You are here to eat, drink, and +be merry. You can sleep when you get home.</p> + +<p>"Well, then, I suppose you can see your napkin. Got +none, indeed! Very likely, in <i>my</i> house. You may be +sure that I never sit down to a meal without napkins. I +don't want to make my tablecloths unfit for use, and I +don't want to make my trousers unwearable. Well, now, +we are all seated, you can unfold it on your knees; no, no; +don't tuck it into your waistcoat like an alderman; and +what! what on earth do you mean by wiping your forehead +with it? Do you take it for a towel? Well, never +mind, I am consoled that you did not go farther, and use +it as a pocket-handkerchief. So talk away to the lady on +your right, and wait till soup is handed to you. By the +way, that waiting is the most important part of table manners, +and, as much as possible, you should avoid asking +for anything or helping yourself from the table. Your +soup you eat with a spoon—I don't know what else you +<i>could</i> eat it with—but then it must be one of good size. +Yes, that will do, but I beg you will not make that odious +noise in drinking your soup. It is louder than a dog lapping +water, and a cat would be quite genteel to it. Then +you need not scrape up the plate in that way, nor even tilt +it to get the last drop. I shall be happy to send you some +more; but I must just remark, that it is not the custom to +take two helpings of soup, and it is liable to keep other +people waiting, which, once for all, is a selfish and intolerable +habit. But don't you hear the servant offering you +sherry? I wish you would attend, for my servants have +quite enough to do, and can't wait all the evening while +you finish that very mild story to Miss Goggles. Come, +leave that decanter alone. I had the wine put on the table +to fill up; the servants will hand it directly, or, as we +are a small party, I will tell you to help yourself; but pray,<span class="pagenum">[79]</span> +do not be so officious. (There, I have sent him some turbot +to keep him quiet. I declare he cannot make up his +mind.) You are keeping my servant again, sir. Will you, +or will you not, do turbot? Don't examine it in that way; +it is quite fresh, I assure you; take or decline it. Ah, you +take it, but that is no reason why you should take up a +knife too. Fish, I repeat, must never be touched with a +knife. Take a fork in the right and a small piece of bread +in the left hand. Good, but——? Oh! that is atrocious; +of course you must not swallow the bones, but you should +rather do so than spit them out in that way. Put up your +napkin like this, and land the said bone on your plate. +Don't rub your head in the sauce, my good man, nor go +progging about after the shrimps or oysters therein. Oh! +how horrid! I declare your mouth was wide open and full +of fish. Small pieces, I beseech you; and once for all, +whatever you eat, keep your mouth <i>shut</i>, and never attempt +to talk with it full.</p> + +<p>"So now you have got a pâté. Surely you are not taking +two on your plate! There is plenty of dinner to come, and +one is quite enough. Oh! dear me, you are incorrigible. +What! a knife to cut that light brittle pastry? No, nor +fingers, never. Nor a spoon—almost as bad. Take your +fork, sir, your fork; and, now you have eaten, oblige me +by wiping your mouth and moustache with your napkin, +for there is a bit of the pastry hanging to the latter, and +looking very disagreeable. Well, you can refuse a dish if +you like. There is no positive necessity for you to take +venison if you don't want it. But, at any rate, do not be +in that terrific hurry. You are not going off by the next +train. Wait for the sauce and wait for the vegetables; +but whether you eat them or not, do not begin before +everybody else. Surely you must take my table for that of +a railway refreshment-room, for you have finished before +the person I helped first. Fast eating is bad for the digestion, +my good sir, and not very good manners either.<span class="pagenum">[80]</span> +What! are you trying to eat meat with a fork alone? Oh! +it is sweetbread; I beg your pardon, you are quite right. +Let me give you a rule: Everything that can be cut without +a knife, should be cut with a fork alone. Eat your +vegetables, therefore, with a fork. No, there is no necessity +to take a spoon for peas; a fork in the right hand will +do. What! did I really see you put your knife into your +mouth? Then I must give you up. Once for all, and +ever, the knife is to cut, not to help with. Pray, do not +munch in that noisy manner; chew your food well, but +softly. <i>Eat slowly.</i> Have you not heard that Napoleon +lost the battle of Leipsic by eating too fast? It is a fact +though. His haste caused indigestion, which made him +incapable of attending to the details of the battle. You +see you are the last person eating at table. Sir, I will +not allow you to speak to my servants in that way. If they +are so remiss as to oblige you to ask for anything, do it +gently, and in a low tone, and thank a servant just as +much as you would his master. Ten to one he is as good +a man; and because he is your inferior in position, is the +very reason you should treat him courteously. Oh! it is +of no use to ask me to take wine; far from pacifying me, +it will only make me more angry, for I tell you the custom +is quite gone out, except in a few country villages, and at a +mess-table. Nor need you ask the lady to do so. However, +there is this consolation, if you should ask any one to +take wine with you, he or she <i>cannot</i> refuse, so you have +your own way. Perhaps next you will be asking me to +hob and nob, or <i>trinquer</i> in the French fashion with arms +encircled. Ah! you don't know, perhaps, that when a +lady <i>trinques</i> in that way with you, you have a right to +finish off with a kiss. Very likely, indeed! But it <i>is</i> the +custom in familiar circles in France, but then we are not +Frenchmen. <i>Will</i> you attend to your lady, sir? You did +not come merely to eat, but to make yourself agreeable. +Don't sit as glum as the Memnon at Thebes; talk and be +pleasant. Now you have some pudding. No knife—no,<span class="pagenum">[81]</span> +<i>no</i>. A spoon, if you like, but better still, a fork. Yes, ice +requires a spoon; there is a small one handed you, take +that.</p> + +<p>"Say 'no.' This is the fourth time wine has been handed +to you, and I am sure you have had enough. Decline this +time if you please. Decline that dish too. Are you going +to eat of everything that is handed? I pity you if you do. +No, you must not ask for more cheese, and you must eat +it with your fork. Break the rusk with your fingers. +Good. You are drinking a glass of old port. Do not quaff +it down at a gulp in that way. Never drink a whole glassful +of anything at once.</p> + +<p>"Well, here is the wine and dessert. Take whichever +wine you like, but remember you must keep to that, and +not change about. Before you go up stairs I will allow you +a glass of sherry after your claret, but otherwise drink of +one wine only! You don't mean to say you are helping +yourself to wine before the ladies! At least, offer it to the +one next to you, and then pass it on, gently, not with a +push like that. Do not drink so fast; you will hurry me +in passing the decanters, if I see that your glass is empty. +You need not eat dessert till the ladies are gone, but offer +them whatever is nearest to you. And now they are gone, +draw your chair near mine, and I will try and talk more +pleasantly to you. You will come out admirably at your +next dinner with all my teaching. What! you are excited, +you are talking loud to the colonel. Nonsense! Come and +talk easily to me or to your nearest neighbor. There, +don't drink any more wine, for I see you are getting romantic. +You oblige me to make a move. You have had +enough of those walnuts; you are keeping me, my dear +sir. So now to coffee [one cup] and tea, which I beg you +will not pour into your saucer to cool. Well, the dinner +has done you good, and me too. Let us be amiable to the +ladies, but not too much so."</p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[82]</a></span></p> + +<h2>CARVING.</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">Carving</span> is an art which every parent should teach his +sons and daughters. Nothing can be more disagreeable and +unpleasant than to be placed before any particular dish +without being able to help it properly. It is generally the +case when the head of the family is a good carver; for he so +objects to see things badly cut, that he prefers carving +everything himself. We remember once, when very young, +being invited to a large dinner, and we were placed before +a ham. We began to hack this article, when the general, +the founder of the feast, said to his servant, "Take that +ham away from that young gentleman, and place it before +some one who knows how to carve." From that moment +we determined to achieve the art of carving, and after +great difficulty we succeeded, and succeeded so well that +once, in carving a hare, a clergyman, one of the guests, remarked +what an excellent invention that of boning a hare +was, we carved it with so much ease; but determined to +have a joke at the expense of the clergyman, we laid down +the knife and fork, and said, "Sir, we are surprised that you +could express such an opinion, when it is well known +that it has filled more jails and sent more men to the treadmill +than any other thing you can name." "What, sir, +taking the bones out of a hare?" "No, sir, 'boning' the +hare first." No one can carve without practice, and consequently +children ought to begin young, in order to acquire +a thorough knowledge of the art. It is difficult to +describe the method of carving, even with drawings or dia<span class="pagenum">[83]</span>grams; but the reader who wishes to learn, may, by observing +how good carvers proceed, and applying what he +has seen to what he reads, with practice, soon become an +adept.</p> + +<p>And first, never stand up to carve; this is the greatest +vulgarity, and even a very short man need not stand up. +A little, deformed, hump-back friend of ours, used to give +very good dinners; he carved well, and delighted in +showing it, but he had a failing—always to have very large +joints of meat before him. One day a stranger guest arrived +late, dinner had been served, even soup and fish +had been removed; the host was absolutely hidden behind +an enormous round of beef, and the stranger saw +nothing at the head of the table but the monstrous +joint, round which a knife was revolving with wonderful +rapidity. Steam was the subject of talk at the moment, +and he exclaimed, "I did not know that you had brought +steam to this perfection." "What perfection?" "Why, +don't you see that round of beef is carved by steam." This +was enough; it got the hunchback's steam up, and, jumping +on the chair, he demanded who dare insult him in his +own house; and it was with great difficulty that his friends +could appease his wrath, and turn his steam off. Ever +since the time of Adam, men and women have been prone +to excuse themselves and lay the blame on others. Thus, +a person who could not swim, complained bitterly of the +want of buoyancy in the water; and another, who had +frightfully mangled a leg of mutton in attempting to carve, +declared that the sheep was deformed and had a bandy leg.</p> + +<p>In France, at all large dinners, dishes are carved at the +sideboard by a servant, and then handed round in small +portions. It saves a great deal of trouble, and prevents +the shower of gravy with which awkward carvers will +often inundate the table-cloth, and sometimes their neighbors. +It would be well if this custom was universal in<span class="pagenum">[84]</span> +America, where it is rare to find a good carver. In helping +the soup, never say, "Will you let me assist you to +some of this soup?" this is vulgar in the extreme. The +word assist is not "selon les règles de la bonne société," +but simply, "Shall I send you some?" Now, any one can +help soup. But then there are two ways, the right and the +wrong. First, then, your soup plates should be held by +the servant near the tureen, and you should judge the +number you have to help by the quantity of soup you have, +to avoid the possibility of consuming all your soup before +you have helped your guests; give one spoonful of soup +to each plate, and avoid by all means slopping the soup +either into the tureen or over the table-cloth, or over the +side of the plate, all of which are extreme vulgarities. +And here we beg to say—notwithstanding Brummel having +said, in speaking of some one with whom he could find +no other fault, that he was a sort of fellow who would come +twice to soup,—that, if very good, it is not vulgar to eat +twice of it; but, <i>au contraire</i>, if not good, the worst possible +taste.</p> + +<p>The next thing in order is fish. Now, of fish there are +several sorts; the first of the large sorts being</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Salmon</span>, the shape of which every one knows; but few +people have a whole salmon at table. The fish should be +served always on a strainer, covered with a small dinner +napkin, and the cook should be careful that it be sent to +table whole and unbroken. It should be laid on its side, +and garnished with fried smelts; it should be cut with the +trowel, or fish-knife, immediately down the middle of the +side, and helped from the centre to the back, one slice +back and a small slice towards the belly, which is the +richest and fattest part; care should be taken that the +slices are not broken, and with each slice a fried smelt +be given.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Cod-fish</span> should be helped differently. Cutting from<span class="pagenum">[85]</span> +the back to the thin part, crossways, and the sound divided +so as to give each person a small portion.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mackerel</span>, if boiled, should be divided into four; that is, +place your trowel or fish-knife under the flesh at the tail, +and raise up the flesh to the head, then divide the side in +the middle, giving half of the side to each person, and +leaving the bone and head and tail in the dish.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Herrings</span> should be helped by giving one to each person.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Eels</span> are always cut in small pieces, and all the attention +required is that those which are the largest are the best.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patties and Entrees</span> ought to be so arranged that they +can be served with a spoon, and require no carving. The +roast is therefore the next thing that calls for observation.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Leg of Mutton</span> is, or rather ought to be served exactly +the reverse side to a haunch of mutton; that is, it ought +to lie on the flat side, and so show the beveled side to the +carver. A slice is cut in the center; and then the carver +is to cut to the bone right and left, the thick side being +most esteemed. The best fat is that which lies at the thick +end, near to the bone; there is not much of it, but it is +considered a delicacy.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Sirloin of Beef.</span>—The most elegant way to cut this +joint is by making an incision from the chine-bone to the +flap, directly in the center, and helping from either side. +However, this is not the most economical way; and therefore +it is to be cut thin on the outside, from the chine-bone +to the flaps, with fat from underneath. Many people like +the under side, or inner loin. If this is eaten hot—and it +is best hot—the joint should be turned, and the meat cut +across in slices rather thicker than from the top side. +Great care should be taken not to splash the gravy in turning, +by placing the fork well into the flap, so as to secure a +firm hold.<span class="pagenum">[86]</span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Fore Quarter of Lamb</span> should be carved without +removing the shoulder from the dish on which it is served. +This is very difficult; but if well done, very elegant. +First, then, let us give all the directions necessary for this +dish. When it comes before the carver, he should place +the carving-knife under the shoulder, and dexterously remove +it. Having so done, he should place under the +shoulder a slice of fresh butter, and then prepare some +salt, cayenne pepper, and the juice of an orange or a +lemon, which should be also poured over the part of the +lamb from which the shoulder has been separated, and +then pour the gravy with the gravy-spoon over the lamb, +so that the butter, etc., may amalgamate well with the +gravy. You have then the breast and the ribs, and the +shoulder on the dish, ready to help your friends. Before +separating the ribs, you must cut off the breast, the bones +of which the butcher has previously broken, so as to enable +you to do it with ease. As, however, many people cannot +carve so much in one dish, perhaps the better plan is to +place the shoulder on a separate dish, when it can be cut +precisely as a shoulder of mutton, and the ribs and breast +can be more easily divided and helped. Always take care +that the butcher joints the meat, or no man can carve it.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Hind Quarter of Lamb</span> should be carved both as a +leg and a loin, giving either part to those who prefer it.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Saddle of Lamb</span> must be carved like a saddle of +mutton.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Loin of Lamb</span> should always be divided at the chine +end of the bone, and helped in chops.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Haunch of Venison or Mutton</span> is the leg and part +of the loin. It should be cut across, near the knuckle, +and then another cut should pass down the center. The +slices should be taken from the left and the right of this; +those on the left, containing the most fat, are preferred by<span class="pagenum">[87]</span> +epicures. The fat and gravy must be equally distributed. +These joints should always be served on a hot-water dish, +or on a dish with a lamp under it, so as to keep the meat +hot. Without one or other of these contrivances, no one +should presume to give a haunch of venison to his friends. +Before it is sent to table, the cook should pour over the +haunch one wine-glassful of hot port wine.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">An Edge-bone of Beef</span> should be placed on the dish +standing on the thickest end. The carver should first cut +off a slice horizontally from the end to the fat, an inch +thick; but in helping, it cannot be cut too thin, giving +to each person hard and soft fat. If cut thick it is hard +and indigestible.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Round or Buttock of Beef</span> is cut like a fillet of veal; +that is, a slice having been horizontally removed all round, +the slices should be cut very thin and very even. To +properly carve a large round of beef, a long carving-knife, +such as is used in a cook-shop, is necessary.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Fillet of Veal</span> is a solid piece of meat without +bone; it is therefore easily carved by any one who possesses +a sharp knife; the guard of the fork should be up, +to prevent accidents. The veal should be well roasted; +for if the gravy is in it, it is very unwholesome. The slices +may be cut thicker than beef, and the stuffing should be +found in the center, and in the flap which surrounds it.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Breast of Veal.</span>—The richest part of this is called +the brisket. The knife must be put about four inches from +this, and cut through it, which will separate the ribs from +the brisket; serve whichever is liked.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Calf's Head</span> is a dish much esteemed here; but, as +generally eaten, plainly boiled, it is tasteless, insipid, and +very objectionable—while cooked à la tortue, as in France, +nothing can be better. It should always be boned and<span class="pagenum">[88]</span> +rolled; but if served whole, it is to be cut down the center, +and helped in slices from either side. A portion of the +sweetbread, which generally accompanies a boiled calf's +head, should be given with each portion. If the flesh +about the socket of the eye be preferred, the eye itself being +always taken out, the knife should be inserted into the +orifice, and the meat scooped out. The palate—generally +esteemed a delicacy—is situated under the head. This +should be cut into small portions, so that every one may +have a share.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Shoulder of Mutton.</span>—The joint being placed with the +knuckle toward the right hand, observe that there is an +angular piece of fat next you. Having helped your company +from this part, you may, perhaps, imagine that your +shoulder of mutton is exhausted, and will not yield a further +dividend. However, you may get from both sides of +a large shoulder enough to help ten people, provided your +slices are not too thick, which they should not be. +The fat is to be cut from the aforesaid angular bit in slices, +longways. After the right and left sides are exhausted, +and the carver stopped by the knuckle on one side and the +blade-bone on the other, the end of the shoulder is to be +turned, and cut straight down from the center bone to the +end, comprising the three best slices of the joint. If more +is required, the shoulder may be reversed on the dish, and +four good slices will be found on the under side.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Saddle of Mutton.</span>—This best joint of the sheep is +carved in several ways; the usual way is to cut from the +tail to the end close to the chine-bone, taking the slices +horizontally. Another plan is to cut close to the back-bone, +taking slices sideways, so as to help each person +with a piece like a mutton chop, without the bone and very +thin. Another way is to commence, not quite close to the +back-bone, and so cut slices, rounding them a little that +they will curl on the plate, cutting in such a way that the<span class="pagenum">[89]</span> +knife slants toward the flaps or fat, and so that the top of +each slice is fat and the bottom lean; and for a small +party, this is by far the most elegant and the best way to +carve this excellent joint.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Ham.</span>—There perhaps is no joint about which there has +been so much contention as the carving of this excellent +dish. For family use, do not have the skin removed, but +let it be sent to table as it is dressed. Cut from the thick +end, where there is most fat; as a ham served hot is always +eaten with veal or poultry, you can thus eat the fat. +Continue cutting your ham in this way, and you will be +able to eat it all; whereas, in any other way, all the lean +will be eaten, and a large quantity of fat, which will become +rancid, will be lost.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Carving Ham for a Party.</span>—The best informed say, +carve it like a leg of mutton, that is, beginning in the center, +cut right and left in thin slices; we say, commence +at the knuckle, and cut a thick slice off, and then cut thin +slices as they do in the cook-shops—for, rely on it, by this +time they have found out the most economical way of carving +a ham.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Sucking Pig</span> must be divided down the middle, and +decapitated. This ought to be done by the cook, and the +two sides placed flat on the dish. Supposing, therefore, +this to have been previously done, the carver is to take off +the shoulders and the legs, and help the ribs in such pieces +as he thinks convenient. The ribs are considered best, +and you should give plenty of the sauce or gravy with each +plate.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hare.</span>—There are two ways of carving this difficult dish. +The first is to cut close to the back-bone from the shoulder +to the rump on either side, previously dividing the legs; +take off the shoulders; cutting the back-bone in three or<span class="pagenum">[90]</span> +four pieces, and getting two slices on either side of the +hare. The ear is considered the best part. Another way +of carving a hare is by taking off the legs and shoulders, +and cutting it round through the back-bone, dividing into +seven or eight pieces. It is better to bone a hare.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Rabbit</span> is carved very differently. The legs and +shoulders are to be taken off, and the back divided into +three or four pieces.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Fowls</span> when boiled have their legs bent inwards, and +tucked into the belly. A fowl must never be removed from +the dish and placed upon the carver's plate; nothing can be +more vulgar. The wing is to be removed with a good slice +of the breast, the only difficulty being to hit the joint. To +effect this, the knife is to be passed between the leg and +the body, and the leg turned back with the fork. To take +off the merrythought the carver must commence just above +where the breast turns, and cut down slanting; then begin +at the rump end, and cut the breast at either side, +keeping the fork in that part of the breast nearest the +rump, and turning it toward the carver; the side-bones +may easily be removed, the back broken in half, and the +two sides are then easily taken off. All this can only be +learned by practice; and although we have endeavored to +describe it, we feel that it requires practice to carry out +the directions.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Pheasant</span> is carved precisely as a fowl. It is only +necessary to say that ladies like the wings and breast.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Wild Duck.</span>—This bird is only helped from the breast, +which is to be first scored in such a way as afterward to +form the slice. Lemon juice, cayenne, salt, and port wine +made hot, should be ready to pour over it; then the previously +scored slices are to be cut and helped. The breast +is the only eatable part, except when hashed.<span class="pagenum">[91]</span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Partridge.</span>—This bird is carved precisely as a fowl. +The legs and the back are the best parts; give them to the +ladies, and let the rest of the company have the wings and +breast.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Pigeons</span> are usually cut straight down the middle, and a +half sent to each person.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Turkeys</span> are carved like geese. Never make a wing cut +from the wing or pinion upward, and not from the breast +downward. Give your knife a slight angle in cutting, and +your slice will be larger and better.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Goose.</span>—To give a description of carving a goose is to +say, simply, begin from the wing and cut the slices from +the breast up to the breast bone, and serve each person +with a slice, with some stuffing and gravy. To cut a wing +or leg is vulgar in the extreme; for a large party, then, a +second goose is necessary; but lest our readers should say, +"That is an easy way to avoid telling us how we ought to +dismember this bird," we will continue. If you wish to +do a vulgar thing, and dismember a goose, put your fork +into the small end of the pinion, and press it close to the +body, then put in the knife and divide the joint down; to +separate the leg, first put the fork into the small end of the +bone, pressing it to the body, then pass your knife between +the leg and the body, turn the leg back with your +fork, and it will come off. It is impossible that anything +but experience will teach a person how to do this expertly; +but as we said before, it never should be done when served +hot. It has been said frequently, that a goose is too much +for one, and not enough for two. This means that the +breast, which is the only eatable part of a roasted goose, +is, supposing the person to eat nothing else, too much for +one and not enough for two people's dinners; another +reason for never cutting off or eating the legs hot, is that +they make a most excellent "devil" for breakfast the next +day—therefore, why destroy a dish fit for a king?<span class="pagenum">[92]</span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Woodcocks and Snipes.</span>—These are both carved alike—the +necessary directions being: remove the sand-bag, +which contains the gall: this generally protrudes; lift up +the breast near the rump; spread the tail on your toast; +cut the wing, leg, and part of the back, the wing being cut +full, that is, with plenty of the breast attached thereto, +and you have one portion with a third of the toast; serve +the other side alike, with another third of the toast, and +the breast and the rest of the back give to the person you +esteem the least; in fact, the legs, wings, and back, as before +described, are the best, and should be served together. +Snipes should be cut in half, unless you have enough to +give a bird to each person.</p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[93]</a></span></p> + +<h2>ETIQUETTE OF THE BALL AND ASSEMBLY ROOM.</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">Dancing</span> has been defined as a "graceful movement of +the body, adjusted by art to the measures or tunes of instruments, +or of voice;" and again, "agreeable to the +true genius of the art, dancing is the art of expressing the +sentiments of the mind, or the passions, by measured +steps or bounds made in cadence, by regulated motions of +the figure and by graceful gestures; all performed to the +sound of musical instruments or the voice."</p> + +<p>Lord Chesterfield, in his letters to his son, says: +"Dancing is, in itself, a very trifling and silly thing: but +it is one of those established follies to which people of sense +are sometimes obliged to conform; and then they should +be able to do it well. And though I would not have you a +dancer, yet, when you do dance, I would have you dance +well, as I would have you do everything you do well." +In another letter, he writes: "Do you mind your dancing +while your dancing master is with you? As you will be +often under the necessity of dancing a minuet, I would +have you dance it very well. Remember that the graceful +motion of the arms, the giving of your hand, and the putting +off and putting on of your hat genteelly, are the material +parts of a gentleman's dancing. But the greatest +advantage of dancing well is, that it necessarily teaches +you to present yourself, to sit, stand, and walk genteelly; +all of which are of real importance to a man of fashion."</p> + +<p>When a gentleman accompanies a lady to a ball he will at +once proceed with her to the door of the ladies' dressing-<span class="pagenum">[94]</span>room, there leaving her; and then repair to the gentlemen's +dressing-room. In the mean time, the lady, after adjusting +her toilet, will retire to the ladies' sitting-room or wait +at the door of the dressing-room, according as the apartments +may be arranged. After the gentleman has divested +himself of hat, etc., and placed the same in the care of the +man having charge of the hat-room, receiving therefor a +check, and after arranging his toilet, he will proceed to the +ladies' sitting-room, or wait at the entrance to the ladies' +dressing-room for the lady whom he accompanies, and with +her enter the ball-room.</p> + +<p>The ladies' dressing-room is a sacred precinct, into which +no gentleman should ever presume to look; to enter it +would be an outrage not to be overlooked or forgiven.</p> + +<p>With the etiquette of a ball-room, so far as it goes, there +are but few people unacquainted. Certain persons are appointed +to act as floor managers, or there will be a "Master +of the Ceremonies," whose office it is to see that everything +be conducted in a proper manner: if you are entirely +a stranger, it is to <i>them</i> you must apply for a partner, and +point out (quietly) any young lady with whom you should +like to dance, when, if there be no obvious inequality of +position, they will present you for that purpose; should +there be an objection, they will probably select some one +they consider more suitable; but do not, on any account, +go to a strange lady by yourself, and request her to dance, +as she will unhesitatingly "decline the honor," and think +you an impertinent fellow for your presumption.</p> + +<p>A gentleman introduced to a lady by a floor manager, +or the Master of Ceremonies, should not be refused by the +lady if she be not already engaged, for her refusal would +be a breach of good manners: as the Master of Ceremonies +is supposed to be careful to introduce only gentlemen +who are unexceptionable. But a gentleman who is unqualified +as a dancer should never seek an introduction.<span class="pagenum">[95]</span></p> + +<p>At a private party, a gentleman may offer to dance with a +lady without an introduction, but at balls the rule is different. +The gentleman should respectfully offer his arm to +the lady who consents to dance with him, and lead her to +her place. At the conclusion of the set he will conduct +her to a seat, offer her any attention, or converse with her. +A gentleman should not dance with his wife, and not too +often with the lady to whom he is engaged.</p> + +<p>Any presentation to a lady in a public ball-room, for +the mere purpose of dancing, does not entitle you to claim +her acquaintance afterwards; therefore, should you meet +her, at most you may lift your hat; but even that is better +avoided—unless, indeed, she first bow—as neither she +nor her friends can know who or <i>what</i> you are.</p> + +<p>In inviting a lady to dance with you, the words, "Will +you <i>honor</i> me with your hand for a quadrille?" or, "Shall +I have the <i>honor</i> of dancing this set with you?" are more +used now than "Shall I have the <i>pleasure</i>?" or, "Will +you give me the <i>pleasure</i> of dancing with you?"</p> + +<p>If she answers that she is engaged, merely request her +to name the earliest dance for which she is <i>not</i> engaged, +and when she will do you the honor of dancing with you.</p> + +<p>When a young lady declines dancing with a gentleman, +it is her duty to give him a reason why, although some +thoughtless ones do not. No matter how frivolous it may +be, it is simply an act of courtesy to offer him an excuse; +while, on the other hand, no gentleman ought so far to +compromise his self-respect as to take the slightest offence +at seeing a lady by whom he has just been refused, dance +immediately after with some one else.</p> + +<p>Never wait until the signal is given to take a partner, +for nothing is more impolite than to invite a lady hastily, +and when the dancers are already in their places; it can +be allowed only when the set is incomplete.<span class="pagenum">[96]</span></p> + +<p>Be very careful not to forget an engagement. It is an +unpardonable breach of politeness to ask a lady to dance +with you, and neglect to remind her of her promise when +the time to redeem it comes.</p> + +<p>If a friend be engaged when you request her to dance, +and she promises to be your partner for the next or any of +the following dances, do not neglect her when the time +comes, but be in readiness to fulfill your office as her cavalier, +or she may think that you have studiously slighted +her, besides preventing her obliging some one else. Even +inattention and forgetfulness, by showing how little you +care for a lady, form in themselves a tacit insult.</p> + +<p>In a quadrille, or other dance, while awaiting the music, +or while unengaged, a lady and gentleman should avoid +long conversations, as they are apt to interfere with the +progress of the dance; while, on the other hand, a gentleman +should not stand like an automaton, as though he +were afraid of his partner, but endeavor to render himself +agreeable by those "airy nothings" which amuse for the +moment, and are in harmony with the occasion.</p> + +<p>The customary honors of a bow and courtesy should be +given at the commencement and conclusion of each dance.</p> + +<p>Lead the lady through the quadrille; do not <i>drag</i> her, +nor clasp her hand as if it were made of wood, lest she, not +unjustly, think you a bear.</p> + +<p>You will not, if you are wise, stand up in a quadrille +without knowing something of the figure; and if you are +master of a few of the steps, <i>so much the better</i>. But dance +quietly; do not kick and caper about, nor sway your body +to and fro; dance only <i>from the hips downwards</i>; and lead +the lady as lightly as you would tread a measure with a +spirit of gossamer.<span class="pagenum">[97]</span></p> + +<p>Do not pride yourself on doing the "steps neatly," unless +you are ambitious of being taken for a dancing-master; +between whose motions and those of a <i>gentleman</i> there is a +great difference.</p> + +<p>Unless a man has a very graceful figure, and can use it +with great elegance, it is better for him to <i>walk</i> through +the quadrilles, or invent some gliding movement for the +occasion.</p> + +<p>When a lady is standing in a quadrille, though not engaged +in dancing, a gentleman not acquainted with her +partner should not converse with her.</p> + +<p>When an unpracticed dancer makes a mistake, we may +apprise him of his error; but it would be very impolite to +have the air of giving him a lesson.</p> + +<p>Immediate attention should be paid to any request made +by the Master of Ceremonies, and all misunderstandings +respecting the dance should be referred to him, his decision +being deemed final. Otherwise his superintendence of +the ball will be attended with great inconvenience.</p> + +<p>When forming for quadrilles, if by any oversight you +should accidentally occupy another couple's place, on being +informed of the intrusion, you should immediately +apologize to the incommoded party, and secure another +position.</p> + +<p>Contending for a position in quadrilles, at either head +or sides, indicates an irritable and quarrelsome disposition +altogether unsuited for an occasion where all should meet +with kindly feelings.</p> + +<p>When a company is divided into different sets, persons +should not attempt to change their places without permission +from the Master of Ceremonies.<span class="pagenum">[98]</span></p> + +<p>No persons engaged in a quadrille or other dance that +requires their assistance to complete the set, should leave +the room or sit down before the dance is finished, unless +on a very urgent occasion, and not even then without previously +informing the Master of Ceremonies, that he may +find substitutes.</p> + +<p>If a lady waltz with you, beware not to press her waist; +you must only lightly touch it with the palm of your hand, +lest you leave a disagreeable impression not only on her +<i>ceinture</i>, but on her mind.</p> + +<p>Above all, do not be prone to quarrel in a ball-room; it +disturbs the harmony of the company, and should be avoided +if possible. Recollect that a thousand little derelictions +from strict propriety may occur through the ignorance +or stupidity of the aggressor, and not from any intention +to annoy; remember, also, that the <i>really well-bred women</i> +will not thank you for making them conspicuous by over-officiousness +in their defence, unless, indeed, there be some +serious or glaring violation of decorum. In small matters, +ladies are both able and willing to take care of themselves, +and would prefer being allowed to overwhelm the unlucky +offender in their own way.</p> + +<p>When a gentleman has occasion to pass through an assemblage +of ladies, where it is absolutely impossible to make +his way without disturbing them; or when he is obliged to +go in front, because he cannot get behind them, it is but +common courtesy for him to express his regret at being +compelled to annoy them.</p> + +<p>A gentleman having two ladies in charge may, in the +absence of friends, address a stranger, and offer him a partner, +asking his name previous to an introduction, and mentioning +that of the lady to him or not, as he may think +proper.<span class="pagenum">[99]</span></p> + +<p>It is improper to engage or reëngage a lady to dance +without the permission of her partner.</p> + +<p>Never forget that ladies are to be first cared for, to have +the best seats, the places of distinction, and are entitled in +all cases to your courteous protection.</p> + +<p>Young ladies should avoid sauntering through an assembly-room +alone; they should either be accompanied by their +guardian or a gentleman.</p> + +<p>Neither married nor young ladies should leave a ball-room +assemblage, or other party, unattended. The former +should be accompanied by other married ladies, and the +latter by their mother or guardian. Of course, a gentleman +is a sufficient companion for either.</p> + +<p>Young ladies should avoid attempting to take part in a +dance, particularly a quadrille, unless they are familiar +with the figures. Besides rendering themselves awkward +and confused, they are apt to create ill-feeling, by interfering +with, and annoying others. It were better for them +to forego the gratification of dancing than to risk the +chances of making themselves conspicuous, and the subject +of animadversion. As we have elsewhere said, modesty +of deportment should be the shining and preëminent characteristic +of woman. She should be modest in her attire, +in language, in manners and general demeanor. Beauty +becomes irresistible when allied to this lodestone of attraction; +plainness of features is overlooked by it; even positive +homeliness is rendered agreeable by its influence.</p> + +<p>When a gentleman escorts a lady to a ball, he should +dance with <i>her</i> first, or offer so to do; and it should be his +care to see that she is provided with a partner whenever +she desires to dance.</p> + +<p>After dancing, a gentleman should invariably conduct a +lady to a seat, unless she otherwise desires; and, in fact, a<span class="pagenum">[100]</span> +lady should not be unattended, at any time, in a public assembly.</p> + +<p>When you conduct your partner to her seat, thank her +for the pleasure she has conferred upon you, and do not +remain too long conversing with her.</p> + +<p>When that long and anxiously desiderated hour, the +hour of supper, has arrived, you hand the lady you attend +up or down to the supper-table. You remain with her +while she is at the table, seeing that she has all that she +desires, and then conduct her back to the dancing-rooms.</p> + +<p>If, while walking up and down a public promenade, you +should meet friends or acquaintances whom you don't +intend to join, it is only necessary to salute them the first +time of passing; to bow or nod to them at every round +would be tiresome, and therefore improper; have no fear +that they will deem you odd or unfriendly, as, if they have +any sense at all, they can appreciate your reasons. If you +have anything to say to them, join them at once.</p> + +<p>We have already alluded to the necessity of discarding all +cant terms and phrases from conversation, not only in +assembly-rooms, but on all occasions; and we would particularly +caution our young lady friends against even the +recognition of those <i>équivoques</i> and <i>double entendre</i> which +the other sex sometimes inconsiderately, but oftener determinedly, +introduce.</p> + +<p>Neither by smiles nor blushes should they betray any +knowledge of the hidden meaning that lurks within a phrase +of doubtful import, nor seem to recognize anything which +they could not with propriety openly make a subject of +discourse. All indelicate expressions should be to them as +the Sanscrit language is to most people, incomprehensible. +All wanton glances and grimaces, which are by lib<span class="pagenum">[101]</span>ertines considered as but so many invitations to lewdness, +should be strictly shunned.</p> + +<p>No lady can be too fastidious in her conduct, or too +guarded in her actions. A bad reputation is almost as destructive +of happiness to her as absolute guilt; and of her +character we may say with the poet:</p> + +<div class="inset" style="width: 18em"> +<p class="noin"> +"A breath can make them, or a breath unmake." +</p> +</div> + +<p>In dancing, generally, the performers of both sexes +should endeavor to wear a pleasant countenance; and in +presenting hands, a slight inclination of the head, in the +manner of a salutation, is appropriate and becoming. +Dancing is certainly supposed to be an enjoyment, but the +sombre countenance of some who engage in it, might almost +lead to the belief that it were a solemn duty being +performed. If those who laugh in church would transfer +their merriment to the assembly-room, and those who are +sad in the assembly-room would carry their gravity to the +church, they both might discover the appositeness of +Solomon's declaration, that "there is a time to be merry +and a time to be sad."</p> + +<p>We have already alluded to the importance of a correct +use of language in conversation, and though we are aware +that it is absolutely impossible to practice it without a certain +degree of education, yet we would urge that the habit +which many acquire, more through carelessness than ignorance, +of disregarding it, is worthy of consideration. +Many a young lady has lost a future husband by a wanton +contempt for the rules of Lindley Murray.</p> + +<p>Though hardly a case in point, we cannot forego the +opportunity of recording an incident in the career of a +young man "about town," who, anxious to see life in all +its phases, was induced to attend a public ball, the patrons +of which were characterized more for their peculiarity of<span class="pagenum">[102]</span> +manners than their extraordinary refinement. On being +solicited by an acquaintance, whom he respected for his +kindness of heart and integrity rather than for his mental +accomplishments, to dance with his daughter, he consented, +and was accordingly introduced to a very beautiful +young lady. Ere the dance commenced, and while the +musicians were performing the "Anvil Chorus," from +"Trovatore," the young lady asked: "Do you know what +that <i>'ere</i> is?"</p> + +<p>Supposing that she meant <i>air</i>, and wishing to give her +an opportunity of making herself happy in the thought of +imparting a valuable piece of information, in utter disregard +of the principles of Mrs. Opie, he replied, "No." +"Why," said she, "that's the Anvel Core-ri-ous."</p> + +<p>With an expletive more profane than polite, he suddenly +found his admiration for the lady as much diminished by +her ignorance, as it had before been exalted by her +beauty.</p> + +<p>At private assemblies, it should be the effort of both +ladies and gentlemen to render themselves as agreeable as +possible to all parties. With this purpose in view, the +latter should, therefore, avoid showing marked preferences +to particular ladies, either by devoting their undivided +attentions or dancing exclusively with them. Too often, +the belle of the evening, with no other charms than beauty +of form and feature, monopolizes the regards of a circle of +admirers, while modest merit, of less personal attraction, +is both overlooked and neglected. We honor the generous +conduct of those, particularly the "well-favored," who +bestow their attentions on ladies who, from conscious lack +of beauty, least expect them.</p> + +<p>On the other hand, no lady, however numerous the solicitations +of her admirers, should consent to dance repeatedly, +when, by so doing, she excludes other ladies from +participating in the same amusement; still less, as we have<span class="pagenum">[103]</span> +elsewhere hinted, should she dance exclusively with the +same gentleman, to the disadvantage of others.</p> + +<p>Both ladies and gentlemen should be careful about introducing +persons to each other without being first satisfied +that such a course will be mutually agreeable.</p> + +<p>The custom, in this country, particularly among gentlemen, +of indiscriminate introductions, is carried to such a +ridiculous extent, that it has often been made the subject +of comment by foreigners, who can discover no possible +advantage in being made acquainted with others with +whom they are not likely to associate for three minutes, in +whom they take not the slightest interest, and whom they +probably will never again encounter, nor recognize if they +should. Besides, every one has a right to exercise his own +judgment and taste in the selection of acquaintances, and +it is clearly a breach of politeness to thrust them upon +your friend or associate, without knowing whether it will +be agreeable to either party.</p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[104]</a></span></p> + +<h2>EVENING PARTIES.</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> etiquette of the ball-room being disposed of, let us +now enter slightly into that of an evening party.</p> + +<p>The invitations issued and accepted for an evening party +will be written in the same style as those already described +for a dinner-party. They should be sent out <i>at least</i> three +weeks before the day fixed for the event, and should be +replied to within a week of their receipt, accepting or declining +with regrets. By attending to these courtesies, +the guests will have time to consider their engagements +and prepare their dresses, and the hostess will also know +what will be the number of her party.</p> + +<p>A lady, invited to an evening party, may request a gentleman +to accompany her, even though he may not have +received an invitation from the hostess.</p> + +<p>In most of the American cities nine o'clock is the hour +which custom has established as the time for the lady to +be in her parlor, ready to receive her guests, and by ten +o'clock all the guests should arrive. It is an affectation, +not entirely devoid of assumption and impudence, for people +to purposely delay their appearance till a very late +hour.</p> + +<p>As the ladies and gentlemen arrive, each should be shown +to a room exclusively provided for their reception; and +the gentleman conducts the lady in his charge to the door +of the ladies' dressing-room, while he goes to the gentle<span class="pagenum">[105]</span>men's apartment, each to prepare their toilet suitably to +entering the reception-room.</p> + +<p>In the room set apart for the ladies, attendants should +be in waiting to assist in uncloaking, and helping to +arrange the hair and toilet of those who require it.</p> + +<p>After completing her toilet, the lady waits at the door +of her dressing-room till the gentleman joins her, and they +make their <i>entrée</i> together.</p> + +<p>In large and formal parties, it is generally customary for +the servant to announce the names of the guests as they +enter the room, but this is a ceremony well enough dispensed +with, except on occasions of very large and formal +parties.</p> + +<p>It is the business of the lady of the house to be near the +door to receive her guests; if she is not there, you need +not go hunting through the crowd after her.</p> + +<p>As the guests enter the room, it is not necessary for the +lady of the house to advance each time toward the door, +but merely to rise from her seat to receive their courtesies +and congratulations. If, indeed, the hostess wishes to +show particular favor to some peculiarly honored guests, +she may introduce them to others, whose acquaintance +she may imagine will be especially suitable and agreeable.</p> + +<p>It is very often the practice of the gentleman of the +house to introduce one gentleman to another, but occasionally +the lady performs this office; when it will, of course, +be polite for the persons thus introduced to take their +seats together for the time being.</p> + +<p>When entering a private ball or party, the visitor should +invariably bow to the company. No well-bred person +would omit this courtesy in entering a drawing-room; and +although the entrance to a large assembly may be unnoticed<span class="pagenum">[106]</span> +by all present, its observance is not the less necessary. It +is the thoughtless absence of good manners in large and +mixed companies, where a greater degree of studied politeness +is indispensable, that renders them sometimes so +unpleasant.</p> + +<p>A separate room or convenient buffet should be appropriated +for refreshments, and to which the dancers may +retire; and cakes and biscuits, with lemonade, handed +round.</p> + +<p>Of course a supper is provided at all private parties; and +this requires, on the part of the hostess, a great deal of +attention and supervision. It usually takes place between +the first and second parts of the programme of the dances, +of which there should be several prettily written or printed +copies distributed about the room.</p> + +<p>It will be well for the hostess, even if she be very partial +to the amusement, and a graceful dancer, not to participate +in it to any great extent, lest her lady guests should have +occasion to complain of her monopoly of the gentlemen, +and other causes of neglect.</p> + +<p>A few dances will suffice to show her interest in the entertainment, +without unduly trenching on the attention +due to her guests.</p> + +<p>The hostess or host, during the progress of a party, will +courteously accost and chat with their friends, and take +care that the ladies are furnished with seats, and that those +who wish to dance are provided with partners. A gentle +hint from the hostess, conveyed in a quiet ladylike manner, +that certain ladies have remained unengaged during +several dances, is sure not to be neglected by any gentleman. +Thus will be studied the comfort and enjoyment of +the guests, and no lady, in leaving the house, will be able +to feel the chagrin and disappointment of not having been<span class="pagenum">[107]</span> +invited to "stand up" in a dance during the whole +evening.</p> + +<p>For any of the members, either sons or daughters, of +the family at whose house the party is given, to dance frequently +or constantly, denotes decided ill-breeding. The +ladies of the house should not occupy those places in a +quadrille which others may wish to fill, and they should, +moreover, be at leisure to attend to the rest of the company; +and the gentlemen should be entertaining the +married ladies and those who do not dance.</p> + +<p>In private parties, a lady is not to refuse the invitation +of a gentleman to dance, unless she be previously engaged. +The hostess must be supposed to have asked to her house +only those persons whom she knows to be perfectly respectable +and of unblemished character, as well as pretty +equal in position; and thus, to decline the offer of any +gentleman present, would be a tacit reflection on the gentleman +or lady of the house.</p> + +<p>If one lady refuses you, do not ask another who is seated +near her to dance the same set. Do not go immediately +to another lady, but chat a few moments with the one +whom you first invited, and then join a group or gentlemen +friends for a few moments, before seeking another partner.</p> + +<p>In private parties, where dancing is the chief part of the +evening's entertainment, it is not in conformity with the +rules of etiquette for a young lady to dance with one gentleman +repeatedly, to the exclusion of all others who may solicit +her hand, even though the favored individual be her +suitor. However complimentary to the lady, to be the +recipient of a gentleman's undivided attentions, or however +gratifying it may be for him to manifest his devotion +to the lady of his choice, such a course is an exhibition of +selfishness which ought not to be displayed in an assem<span class="pagenum">[108]</span>blage of ladies and gentlemen who have congregated for +mutual enjoyment.</p> + +<p>It is not considered <i>comme il faut</i> to ask a married lady +to dance, when her husband is present, without previously +ascertaining whether it be agreeable to him.</p> + +<p>Gentlemen will not get together in groups to the neglect +of the ladies.</p> + +<p>The members of an invited family should never be seen +conversing with each other at a party.</p> + +<p>If you accompany your wife to a dancing party, be careful +not to dance with her, except perhaps the first set.</p> + +<p>Where there are no programmes, engagements should +not be made until the dance is announced.</p> + +<p>When the dance is over, the gentleman conducts his +partner to her seat; and, unless he chooses to sit beside +her, bows and withdraws.</p> + +<p>While dancing, a lady should consider herself engaged +to her partner, and therefore not at liberty to hold a flirtation, +between the figures, with another gentleman; and +should recollect that it is the gentleman's part to lead her, +and hers to follow his directions.</p> + +<p>In a circle, we should not pass before a lady; neither +should we present anything by extending the arm over her, +but pass round behind and present it. In case we cannot +do it, we say, <i>I ask your pardon, etc.</i></p> + +<p>In ascending a staircase with ladies, go at their side or +before them.</p> + +<p>A correct ear for music does not pertain to every one, +and those who are deficient in this respect should refrain +from dancing. Let not the unpracticed dancer attempt<span class="pagenum">[109]</span> +quadrilles. A novice necessarily perplexes and annoys a +partner. On the other hand, nowhere perhaps has a +kindly disposition more pleasing opportunities of conferring +small benefits than in a ball-room. Those who are +expert in dancing may gently apprise the unskillful of an +error, and this without giving the slightest offense, or +seeming to dictate; while such as dance well, and are +solicited to dance, should carefully avoid speaking of it. +They ought rather to seek to contribute to less fortunate +persons a full share in the evening's amusement. A lady +may do this by gently hinting to a gentleman who solicits +her hand for another dance, that such a lady has remained +unengaged. No gentleman will neglect such a suggestion.</p> + +<p>There is a custom which is sometimes practiced both in +the assembly room and at private parties, which cannot be +too strongly reprehended; we allude to the habit of ridicule +and ungenerous criticism of those who are ungraceful +or otherwise obnoxious to censure, which is indulged in by +the thoughtless, particularly among the dancers. Of its +gross impropriety and vulgarity we need hardly express an +opinion; but there is such an utter disregard for the feelings +of others implied in this kind of negative censorship, +that we cannot forbear to warn our young readers to avoid +it. The "Koran" says: "Do not mock—the mocked +may be better than the mocker." Those you condemn +may not have had the same advantages as yourself in +acquiring grace or dignity, while they may be infinitely +superior in purity of heart and mental accomplishments. +The advice of Chesterfield to his son, in his commerce with +society, to <i>do as you would be done by</i>, is founded on the +Christian precept, and worthy of commendation. Imagine +yourself the victim of another's ridicule, and you will cease +to indulge in a pastime which only gains for you the +hatred of those you satirize, if they chance to observe you, +and the contempt of others who have noticed your violation +of politeness, and abuse of true sociality.<span class="pagenum">[110]</span></p> + +<p>We conclude our strictures on this subject with the following +passage from the essays of Addison: "But what +an absurd thing it is, to pass over all the valuable characteristics +of individuals, and fix our attention on their +infirmities—to observe their imperfections more than their +virtues—and to make use of them for the sport of others, +rather than for our own improvement."</p> + +<p>In whatever relation with the fair sex, and under whatsoever +circumstances, it is the duty—we may add, the +practice—of a gentleman to so deport himself as to avoid +giving any cause of offense.</p> + +<p>In private parties, where people meet for the pleasure of +conversation, remember occasionally to change your place. +Opportunities will readily occur, such, for instance, as the +opening of a portfolio of prints, or the showing of any +article of taste or science. You will thus avoid the awkwardness +of being either left alone, or constraining the +master or mistress of the house to commiserate your isolated +condition.</p> + +<p>If you are asked by the lady of the house, at an evening +party, to sing, and you can really do so well, comply at +once; but never sing at the request of another person. If +you cannot or do not choose to sing, say so at once with +seriousness and gravity, and put an end to the expectation +promptly. After singing once or twice, cease and give +place to others.</p> + +<p>When singing or playing is going on, if you have no +taste for music, you should still be profoundly silent. To +converse, is annoying to the rest of the company, rude to +the mistress of the house, and cruel to the performer.</p> + +<p>Carefully avoid all peculiarities of manner; and every +wish to show off, or to absorb conversation to yourself. Be +also very careful not to appear to be wiser than the com<span class="pagenum">[111]</span>pany. If a fact in history is mentioned, even if it be not +quite correct, do not set the narrator right, unless in a very +delicate and submissive manner. If an engraving of +distant scenery or foreign buildings is shown, do not industriously +point out inaccuracies. It may be that such occur, +but finding fault is never acceptable; it conveys a censure +on the taste or information of the possessor; or it suggests +that he has been imposed upon—an idea which is always +productive of mortification. Such attempts to appear +wiser than the rest of the company, interfere with the +pleasure of the party, and the person who falls into them +is never long acceptable.</p> + +<p>People sometimes say, that they are not invited to parties; +they complain of neglect, and are out of humor with +the world. Let such persons consider whether they have +not brought upon themselves the neglect which they +deplore.</p> + +<p>Should the guests be numerous, and the space scarcely +sufficient for their accommodation, it would be considered +extremely ill-bred to take a place previously engaged; or, +when joining a country dance, to push in at the middle or +upper end. You must take your station below the last +couple who are standing up.</p> + +<p>If there be a supper, the gentleman should conduct to +the supper-room his last partner, unless he have a prior +engagement, or is asked by the host to do otherwise. In +the latter case, he should provide his partner with a substitute, +at the same time making a handsome apology.</p> + +<p>No gentleman should offer his services to conduct a lady +home, without being acquainted with her, unless he have +been requested so to do by the host.</p> + +<p>When any of the carriages of the guests are announced, +or the time for their departure arrived, they should make<span class="pagenum">[112]</span> +a slight intimation to the hostess, without, however, exciting +any observation, that they are about to depart. If this +cannot be done without creating too much bustle, it will +be better for the visitors to retire quietly without saying +good-night, for when people are seen to be leaving, it often +breaks up the party. An opportunity, however, may previously +be sought of intimating to the hostess your intention +to retire, which is more respectful.</p> + +<p>During the course of the week, the hostess will expect +to receive from every guest a call, where it is possible, or +cards expressing the gratification experienced from her +entertainment. This attention is due to every lady for the +pains and trouble she has been at, and tends to promote +social, kindly feelings.</p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[113]</a></span></p> + +<h2>VISITING.</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">Next</span> in order to the ceremonials of dinner or evening +parties, are customary calls, comprised under the general +head of visiting. They are those of ceremony, friendship, +or condolence, and occupy no small portion of time.</p> + +<p>Such visits are necessary, in order to maintain good feeling +between the members of society; they are required by +the custom of the age in which we live, and must be carefully +attended to.</p> + +<p>First, then, are visits of ceremony, merging occasionally +into those of friendship, but uniformly required after dining +at a friend's house. Professional men are not however, +in general, expected to pay such visits, because their time +is preoccupied; but they form almost the only exception.</p> + +<p>Visits of ceremony must be necessarily short. They +should on no account be made before the hour, nor yet +during the time of luncheon. Persons who intrude themselves +at unwonted hours are never welcome; the lady of +the house does not like to be disturbed when she is perhaps +dining with her children; and the servants justly +complain of being interrupted at the hour when they +assemble for their noon-day meal. Ascertain, therefore, +which you can readily do, what is the family hour for +luncheon, and act accordingly.</p> + +<p>Half an hour amply suffices for a visit of ceremony. If +the visitor be a lady, she may remove her victorine, but on +no account either the shawl or bonnet, even if politely<span class="pagenum">[114]</span> +requested to do so by the mistress of the house. Some +trouble is necessarily required in replacing them, and this +ought to be avoided. If, however, your visit of ceremony +is to a particular friend, the case is different; but even +then, it is best to wait till you are invited to do so; and +when you rise for the purpose the lady of the house will +assist you.</p> + +<p>Favorite dogs are never welcome visitors in a drawing-room. +Many people have even a dislike to such animals. +They require watching, lest they should leap upon a chair +or sofa, or place themselves upon a lady's dress, and attentions +of this kind are much out of place. Neither ought a +mother, when paying a ceremonial visit, to be accompanied +by young children. It is frequently difficult to amuse +them, and, if not particularly well trained at home, they +naturally seize hold of books, or those ornaments with +which it is fashionable to decorate a drawing-room. The +lady of the house trembles for the fate of a beautiful shell, +or vase, or costly book. She does not like to express her +uneasiness, and yet knows not how to refrain. Therefore +leave the children at home; or, if they accompany you in +the carriage, let them remain till your visit is over. If you +have an infant, the nurse may await your return, or be left +in an ante-room, unless a decided request be made to the +contrary.</p> + +<p>If during your short visit the conversation begins to flag, +it will be best to retire. The lady of the house may have +some engagement at a fixed hour, and by remaining even a +few minutes longer, she may be put to serious inconvenience. +Do not, however, seem to notice any silent hint, +by rising hastily; but take leave with quiet politeness, as +if your time were fully expired. When other visitors are +announced, retire as soon as possible, and yet without letting +it appear that their arrival is the cause. Wait till the +bustle of their entrance is over, and then rise from your<span class="pagenum">[115]</span> +chair, take leave of the hostess, and bow politely to the +guests. By so doing you will save the lady of the house +from being obliged to entertain two sets of visitors.</p> + +<p>Should you call by chance at an inconvenient hour, when +perhaps the lady is going out, or sitting down to luncheon, +retire as soon as possible, even if politely asked to remain. +You need not let it appear that you feel yourself an +intruder; every well-bred or even good-tempered person +knows what to say on such an occasion; but politely withdraw, +with a promise to call again, if the lady seems to be +really disappointed.</p> + +<p>If your acquaintance or friend is from home, leave a +card,<a name="FNanchor_A_1" id="FNanchor_A_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_A_1" class="fnanchor">1</a> whether you call in a carriage or not. If in the +latter, the servant will answer your inquiry, and receive +your card; but on no account ask leave to go in and rest; +neither urge your wish if you fancy that the lady whom +you desire to see is really at home, or even if you flatter +yourself that she would make an exception in your favor. +Some people think that the form of words, "Not at home," +is readily understood to mean that the master or mistress +of the house have no wish to see even his or her most intimate +friends. However this may be, take care that you do +not attempt to effect an entrance.</p> + +<div class="footnote"> + <p class="noin"> + <a name="Footnote_A_1" id="Footnote_A_1"></a> + <a href="#FNanchor_A_1"> + <span class="label">1</span> + </a> + When the caller is about to leave the city for a protracted absence, it is + usual to put the letters P. P. C. in the left hand corner of the card; they are + the initials of the French phrase, "<i>pour prendre congé</i>"—to take leave, + and may with equal propriety stand for <i>presents parting compliments</i>. + <span class="pagenum">[116]</span> + </p> +</div> + +<p>Visits of courtesy or ceremony are uniformly paid at +Christmas, or at the commencement of a new year, independently +of family parties; a good old custom, the +observance of which is always pleasing, and which should +be carefully attended to. It is uniformly right to call +on patrons, or those from whom kindness has been received.</p> + +<p>In visiting your intimate friends, ceremony may generally +be dispensed with.</p> + +<p>Keep a strict account of your ceremonial visits. This is +needful, because time passes rapidly; and take note how +soon your calls are returned. You will thus be able, in +most cases, to form an opinion whether or not your frequent +visits are desired. Instances may however occur, +when, in consequence of age or ill health, it is desirable +that you should call, without any reference to your visits +being returned. When desirous to act thus, remember +that, if possible, nothing should interrupt the discharge of +this duty.</p> + +<p>Among relations and intimate friends, visits of mere +ceremony are unnecessary. It is, however, needful to +call at suitable times, and to avoid staying too long if your +friend is engaged. The courtesies of society, as already +noticed, must ever be maintained, even in the domestic +circle, or among the nearest friends.</p> + +<p>In leaving cards you must thus distribute them: one for +the lady of the house and her daughters—the latter are +sometimes represented by turning up the edge of the card—one +for the master of the house, and if there be a grown +up son or a near male relation staying in the house, one +for him. But though cards are cheap, you must never +leave more than three at a time at the same house. As +married men have, or are supposed to have, too much to +do to make ceremonial calls, it is the custom for a wife +to take her husband's cards with her and to leave one or +two of them with her own. If, on your inquiring for the +lady of the house, the servant replies, "Mrs. So-and-so is +not at home, but Miss So-and-so is," you should leave a +card, because young ladies do not receive calls from gentlemen +unless they are very intimate with them, or +have passed the rubicon of thirty summers. It must be +remembered, too, that where there is a lady of the house,<span class="pagenum">[117]</span> +your call is to her, not to her husband, except on business.</p> + +<p>Morning calls may be divided into three heads: Those +paid at the time already specified; weekly visits to intimate +friends, or by young persons to those advanced in +life; and monthly visits, which are generally ceremonious.</p> + +<p>With respect to the first, be very careful that you do not +acquire the character of a <i>day goblin</i>. A day goblin is one +of those persons who, having plenty of leisure, and a great +desire to hear themselves talk, make frequent inroads into +their friends' houses. Though perhaps well acquainted +with the rules of etiquette, they call at the most unseasonable +hours. If the habits of the family are early, you will +find them in the drawing-room at eleven o'clock. It may +be they are agreeable and well-informed people; but who +wishes for calls at such a strange hour! Most families +have their rules and occupations. In one, the lady of the +house attends to the education of her children; in another, +domestic affairs engross a portion of the morning; some +ladies are fond of gardening, others of music or painting. +It is past endurance to have such pursuits broken in upon +for the sake of a day goblin, who, having gained access, +inflicts his or her presence till nearly luncheon time, and +then goes off with saying, "Well, I have paid you a long +visit;" or "I hope that I have not stayed too long."</p> + +<p>A well-bred person always receives visitors at whatever +time they may call, or whoever they may be; but if you +are occupied and cannot afford to be interrupted by a mere +ceremony, you should instruct the servant <i>beforehand</i> to +say that you are "not at home." This form has often been +denounced as a falsehood, but a lie is no lie unless intended +to deceive; and since the words are universally understood +to mean that you are engaged, it can be no harm to +give such an order to a servant. But, on the other hand,<span class="pagenum">[118]</span> +if the servant once admits a visitor within the hall, you +should receive him at any inconvenience to yourself. A +lady should never keep a visitor waiting more than a minute, +or two at the most, and if she cannot avoid doing so, +must apologize on entering the drawing-room.</p> + +<p>In good society, a visitor, unless he is a complete stranger, +does not wait to be invited to sit down, but takes +a seat at once easily. A gentleman should never take the +principal place in the room, nor, on the other hand, sit at +an inconvenient distance from the lady of the house. He +must hold his hat gracefully, not put it on a chair or +table, or, if he wants to use both hands, must place +it on the floor close to his chair. A well-bred lady, who is +receiving two or three visitors at a time, pays equal attention +to all, and attempts, as much as possible, to generalize +the conversation, turning to all in succession. The +last arrival, however, receives a little more attention at first +than the others, and the latter, to spare her embarrasment, +should leave as soon as convenient. People who out-sit +two or three parties of visitors, unless they have some particular +motive for doing so, come under the denomination +of "bores." A "bore" is a person who does not know +when you have had enough of his or her company.</p> + +<p>Be cautious how you take an intimate friend <i>uninvited</i> +even to the house of those with whom you may be equally +intimate, as there is always a feeling of jealousy that another +should share your thoughts and feelings to the same extent +as themselves, although good breeding will induce +them to behave <i>civilly</i> to your friend on your account.</p> + +<p>Ladies in the present day are allowed considerable +license in paying and receiving visits; subject, however, to +certain rules, which it is needful to define.</p> + +<p>Young married ladies may visit their acquaintances alone; +but they may not appear in any public places unattended<span class="pagenum">[119]</span> +by their husbands or elder ladies. This rule must never +be infringed, whether as regards exhibitions, or public +libraries, museums, or promenades; but a young married +lady is at liberty to walk with her friends of the same age, +whether married or single. Gentlemen are permitted to +call on married ladies at their own houses. Such calls the +usages of society permit, but never without the knowledge +and full permission of husbands.</p> + +<p>Ladies may walk unattended in the streets, being careful +to pass on as becomes their station—neither with a hurried +pace, nor yet affecting to move slowly. Shop-windows, +in New York especially, afford great attractions; but it is +by no means desirable to be seen standing before them, +and most assuredly not alone. Be careful never to look +back, nor to observe too narrowly the dresses of such ladies +as may pass you. Should any one venture to address you, +take no heed, seem not to hear, but hasten your steps. Be +careful to reach home in good time. Let nothing ever induce +you to be out after dusk, or when the lamps are lighted. +Nothing but unavoidable necessity can sanction such +acts of impropriety.</p> + +<p>Lastly, a lady never calls on a gentleman, unless professionally +or officially. It is not only ill-bred, but positively +improper to do so. At the same time, there is a certain +privilege in age, which makes it possible for an old +bachelor like myself to receive a visit from any married +lady whom I know very intimately, but such a call would +certainly not be one of ceremony, and always presupposes +a desire to consult me on some point or other. I should +be guilty of shameful treachery, however, if I told any one +that I had received such a visit, while I should certainly +expect that my fair caller would let her husband know of it.</p> + +<p>When morning visitors are announced, rise and advance +toward them. If a lady enters, request her to be seated +on a sofa; but if advanced in life, or the visitor be an elder<span class="pagenum">[120]</span>ly gentleman, insist on their accepting an easy chair, and +place yourself, by them. If several ladies arrive at the +same time, pay due respect to age and rank, and seat them +in the most honorable places; these, in winter, are beside +the fire.</p> + +<p>Supposing that a young lady occupies such a seat, and a +lady older than herself, or superior in condition, enters +the room, she must rise immediately, and having courteously +offered her place to the new comer, take another in a different +part of the room.</p> + +<p>If a lady is engaged with her needle when a visitor arrives, +she ought to discontinue her work, unless requested to do +otherwise: and not even then must it be resumed, unless +on very intimate terms with her acquaintance. When +this, however, is the case, the hostess may herself request +permission to do so. To continue working during a visit +of ceremony would be extremely discourteous; and we cannot +avoid hinting to our lady readers, that even when a +particular friend is present for only a short time, it is +somewhat inconsistent with etiquette to keep their eyes +fixed on a crochet or knitting-book, apparently engaged in +counting stitches, or unfolding the intricacies of a pattern. +We have seen this done, and are, therefore, careful to warn +them on the subject. There are many kinds of light and +elegant, and even useful work, which do not require close +attention, and may be profitably pursued; and such we +recommend to be always on the work-table at those hours +which, according to established practice, are given to +social intercourse.</p> + +<p>It is generally customary in the country to offer refreshment +to morning visitors. If they come from a considerable +distance, and are on intimate terms, hospitality requires +that you should invite them to take luncheon. In town it +is otherwise, and you are not expected to render any<span class="pagenum">[121]</span> +courtesy of the kind, except to aged or feeble persons, or +to some one who, perhaps, is in affliction, and to whom the +utmost kindliness should be shown.</p> + +<p>When your visitor is about to take leave, rise, and accompany +her to the door, mindful, at the same time, that +the bell is rung, in order that a servant may be in attendance. +If the master of the house is present, and a lady +is just going away, he must offer her his arm, and lead her +to the hall or passage door. If her carriage be in waiting, +he will, of course, hand her into it. These attentions +are slight, and some persons may think they are scarcely +worth noticing. Nevertheless, they are important, and we +are the more earnest to press them on the attention of our +readers, because we have witnessed the omission of such +acts of courtesy in families where a very different mode of +conduct might be expected.</p> + +<p>And here, turning aside for a brief space from the subject-matter +of our discourse, we desire earnestly to impress +upon mothers who have sons growing up, the great importance +of early imbuing them with the principles of true politeness, +and consequent attention to its most trifling observances. +What matters it if a tall lad pushes into a room +before one of his mother's visitors; or, if he chance to see +her going into church, instead of holding the door in a +gentlemanly manner, he lets it swing in her face when he +has himself entered; or whether he comes into the drawing-room +with his hat on, unobservant of lady visitors, or +lolls in an arm-chair reading the newspaper?</p> + +<p>"What signifies it?" some will say—"why tease a youth +about such matters? He will learn manners as he grows +up." We think otherwise, and do not scruple to affirm, +that he can never learn real gentlemanly politeness from +any one but his mother. The neglect of small courtesies +in early life, and the outward or mental boorishness to<span class="pagenum">[122]</span> +which it leads, has been, to our certain knowledge, a more +fruitful source of wretchedness in many homes, than we +have either time or inclination to relate.</p> + +<p>In this changing world, visits of condolence must be also +occasionally paid; and concerning such, a few necessary +rules may be briefly stated.</p> + +<p>Visits of condolence should be paid within a week after +the event which occasions them; but if the acquaintance +be slight, immediately after the family appear at public +worship. A card should be sent up; and if your friends +are able to receive you, let your manners and conversation +be in harmony with the character of your visit. It is courteous +to send up a mourning card; and for ladies +to make their calls in black silk or plain-colored apparel. +It denotes that they sympathize with the afflictions of the +family; and such attentions are always pleasing.</p> + +<p>Gentlemen will do well to bear in mind that, when they +pay morning calls, they must carry their hats with them +into the drawing-room; but on no account put them on +the chairs or table. There is a graceful manner of holding +a hat, which every well-bred man understands.</p> + +<p>When calling upon a friend who is boarding, do not go +up till the servant returns with an invitation; and never +enter a room without previously knocking at the door, and +receiving an invitation to come in. Such observances are +indispensable, even between the nearest friends.</p> + +<p>A gentleman when calling upon a lady, and finding that +one of her lady friends is with her, must rise when the +visitor takes her leave, and accompany her to the hall door; +or if she has a carriage, he should hand her into it—supposing, +however, that no gentleman related to the mistress +of the house be present. If your visit has been of sufficient<span class="pagenum">[123]</span> +length, you can take your leave when accompanying the +lady out of the room.</p> + +<p>It happens occasionally that two persons are visiting +different members of the same family. When this occurs, +and one visitor takes leave, the lady or gentleman whose +visitor has just left should remain in the drawing-room. +It is considered discourteous to do otherwise.</p> + +<p>In most families in this country, evening calls are the +most usual. Should you chance to visit a family, and find +that they have a party, present yourself, and converse for a +few minutes with an unembarrassed air; after which you +may retire, unless urged to remain. A slight invitation, +given for the sake of courtesy, ought not to be accepted. +Make no apology for your unintentional intrusion; but let +it be known, in the course of a few days, that you were not +aware that your friends had company.</p> + +<p>An excellent custom prevails in some families of inviting +their guests for a given period. Thus, for example, an +invitation is sent, stating that a friend's company is +requested on a certain day, mentioning also for what length +of time, and if a carriage cannot be offered to meet the +visitor, stating expressly the best mode of coming and +going. We recommend this admirable plan to the master +and mistress of every dwelling which is sufficiently capacious +to admit of receiving an occasional guest. A young +lady is perhaps invited to spend a little time in the country, +but she cannot possibly understand whether the +invitation extends to a few days, or a week, or a month, +and consequently is much puzzled with regard to the +arrangement of her wardrobe. Domestic consultations are +held; the letter is read over and over again; every one +gives a different opinion, and when the visit is entered +upon, somewhat of its pleasure is marred through the embarrassment +occasioned by not knowing when to propose +taking leave.<span class="pagenum">[124]</span></p> + +<p>In receiving guests, your first object should be to make +them feel at home. Begging them to make themselves at +home is not sufficient. You should display a genuine unaffected +friendliness. Whether you are mistress of a +mansion or a cottage, and invite a friend to share your +hospitality, you must endeavor, by every possible means, +to render the visit agreeable. This should be done without +apparent effort, that the visitor may feel herself to be a +partaker in your home enjoyments, instead of finding that +you put yourself out of the way to procure extraneous +pleasures. It is right and proper that you seek to make +the time pass lightly; but if, on the other hand, you let a +visitor perceive that the whole tenor of your daily concerns +is altered on her account, a degree of depression will be +felt, and the pleasant anticipations which she most probably +entertained will fail to be realized. Let your friend +be assured, from your manner, that her presence is a real +enjoyment to you—an incentive to recreations which otherwise +would not be thought of in the common routine of +life. Observe your own feelings when you happen to be +the guest of a person who, though he may be very much +your friend, and really glad to see you, seems not to know +what to do either with you or himself; and again, when in +the house of another you feel as much at ease as in your +own. Mark the difference, more easily felt than described, +between the manners of the two, and deduce therefrom a +lesson for your own improvement.</p> + +<p>If you have guests in your house, you are to appear to +feel that they are all equal for the time, for they all have +an equal claim upon your courtesies. Those of the humblest +condition will receive <i>full as much attention</i> as the +rest, in order that you shall not painfully make them feel +their inferiority.</p> + +<p>Always avoid the foolish practice of deprecating your +own rooms, furniture, or viands, and expressing regrets<span class="pagenum">[125]</span> +that you have nothing better to offer. Neither should you +go to the other extreme of extolling any particular thing +or article of food. The best way is to say nothing about +these matters. Neither is it proper to urge guests to eat, +or to load their plates against their inclinations.</p> + +<p>Endeavor to retain your friends as long as they like to +prolong their visit. When they intimate an intention to +leave you, if you really desire their continuance somewhat +longer, frankly say so. Should they, however, have fixed +the time, and cannot prolong their stay, facilitate their +going by every means in your power; and, while you kindly +invite them to renew their visit, point out to them any +places of interest on the road, and furnish such information +as you possess.</p> + +<p>If invited to spend a few days at a friend's house, conform +as much as possible to the habits of the family. When +parting for the night, inquire respecting the breakfast hour, +and ascertain at what time the family meet for prayers. +If this right custom prevails, be sure to be in time; and +obtain any necessary information from the servant who +waits upon you. Give as little trouble as possible; and +never think of apologizing for the extra trouble which your +visit occasions. Such an apology implies that your friend +cannot conveniently entertain you. Your own good sense +and delicacy will teach you the desirability of keeping +your room tidy, and your articles of dress and toilet as +much in order as possible. If there is a deficiency of servants, +a lady will certainly not hesitate to make her own +bed and to do for herself as much as possible, and for the +family all that is in her power.</p> + +<p>We presume that few people will leave a friend's house +without some expression of regret, and some acknowledgment +proffered for the pleasure that has been afforded them. +Instances to the contrary have come within our knowledge,<span class="pagenum">[126]</span> +and therefore we remind our youthful readers especially, +that this small act of politeness is indispensable, not in the +form of a set speech, but by a natural flowing forth of +right feeling. It is also proper, on returning home, to inform +your friends of your safe arrival; the sense which +you entertain of their hospitality, and the gratification +derived from your visit, may be also gracefully alluded to.</p> + +<p>The chain which binds society together is formed of +innumerable links. Let it be your part to keep those links +uniformly bright; and to see that neither dust nor rust +accumulate upon them.</p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[127]</a></span></p> + +<h2>STREET ETIQUETTE.</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> books of etiquette tell you, that if you have been +introduced to a lady and you afterward meet her in the +street, you must not bow to her unless she bow first, in +order, as the books say, that she may have an opportunity +to cut you if she does not wish to continue the acquaintance. +This is the English fashion. But on the continent +of Europe the rule is reversed, and no lady, however intimate +you may be with her, will acknowledge you in the +street unless you first honor her with a bow of recognition. +But the American fashion is not like either of them. For +here the really well-bred man always politely and respectfully +bows to every lady he knows, and, if she is a well-bred +woman, she acknowledges the respect paid her. If +she expects no further acquaintance, her bow is a mere +formal, but <i>always respectful</i>, recognition of the good manners +which have been shown her, and no gentleman ever +takes advantage of such politeness to push a further +acquaintance uninvited. But why should a lady and gentleman, +who know who each other are, scornfully and +doggedly pass each other in the streets as though they +were enemies? There is no good reason for such <i>impoliteness</i>, +in the practice of politeness. As compared with the +English, the French or continental fashion is certainly +more consonant with the rules of good breeding. But the +American rule is better than either, for it is based upon +the acknowledged general principle, that it is every gentle<span class="pagenum">[128]</span>man's and lady's duty to be polite in all places. Unless +parties have done something to forfeit the respect dictated +by the common rules of politeness, there should be no +deviation from this practice. It is a ridiculous idea that +we are to practice ill-manners in the name of etiquette.</p> + +<p>While walking the street no one should be so absent-minded +as to neglect to recognize his friends. If you do +not stop, you should always bow, touch your hat, or bid +your friend good day. If you stop, you can offer your +hand without removing your glove. If you stop to talk, +retire on one side of the walk. If your friend has a stranger +with him and you have anything to say, you should +apologize to the stranger. Never leave your friend abruptly +to see another person without asking him to excuse +your departure. If you meet a gentleman of your acquaintance +walking with a lady whom you do not know, lift your +hat as you salute them. If you know the lady, you should +salute her first.</p> + +<p>Never <i>nod</i> to a lady in the street, neither be satisfied +with touching your hat, <i>but take it off</i>—it is a courtesy her +sex demands.</p> + +<p>A gentleman should never omit a punctilious observance +of the rules of politeness to his recognized acquaintances, +from an apprehension that he will not be met with reciprocal +marks of respect. For instance, he should not refuse +to raise his hat to an acquaintance who is accompanied by +a lady, lest her escort should, from ignorance or stolidity, +return his polite salutation with a nod of the head. +It is better not to see him, than to set the example of a +rude and indecorous salutation. In all such cases, and in +all cases, he who is most courteous has the advantage, and +should never feel that he has made a humiliating sacrifice +of his personal dignity. It is for the party whose behavior +has been boorish to have a consciousness of inferiority.<span class="pagenum">[129]</span></p> + +<p>A gentleman meeting a lady acquaintance on the street, +should not presume to join her in her walk without ascertaining +that his company would be entirely agreeable. It +might be otherwise, and she should frankly say so. A +married lady usually leans upon the arm of her husband; +but single ladies do not, in the day, take the arm of a +gentleman, unless they are willing to acknowledge an engagement. +Gentlemen always give place to ladies, and +gentlemen accompanying ladies, in crossing the street.</p> + +<p>If you have anything to say to a lady whom you may +happen to meet in the street, however intimate you may +be, do not stop her, but turn round and walk in company; +you can take leave at the end of the street.</p> + +<p>When you are passing in the street, and see coming toward +you a person of your acquaintance, whether a lady +or an elderly person, you should offer them the wall, that +is to say, the side next the houses. If a carriage should +happen to stop in such a manner as to leave only a narrow +passage between it and the houses, beware of elbowing and +rudely crowding the passengers, with a view to get by more +expeditiously; wait your turn, and if any of the persons +before mentioned come up, you should edge up to +the wall, in order to give them the place. They also, as +they pass, should bow politely to you.</p> + +<p>If stormy weather has made it necessary to lay a plank +across the gutter, which has become suddenly filled with +water, it is not proper to crowd before another, in order to +pass over the frail bridge.</p> + +<p>In walking with a lady, it is customary to give her the +right arm; but where circumstances render it more convenient +to give her the left, it may properly be done. If +you are walking with a lady on a crowded street like +Broadway, by all means give her the outside, as that will<span class="pagenum">[130]</span> +prevent her from being perpetually jostled and run against +by the hurrying crowd.</p> + +<p>You should offer your arm to a lady with whom you are +walking whenever her safety, comfort, or convenience may +seem to require such attention on your part. At night +your arm should always be tendered, and also when ascending +the steps of a public building. In walking with any +person you should keep step with military precision, and +with ladies and elderly people you should always accommodate +your speed to theirs.</p> + +<p>If a lady with whom you are walking receives the salute +of a person who is a stranger to you, you should return it, +not for yourself, but for her.</p> + +<p>When a lady whom you accompany wishes to enter a +store, you should hold the door open and allow her to enter +first, if practicable; for you must never pass before a lady +anywhere, if you can avoid it, or without an apology.</p> + +<p>In England, it is a mark of low breeding to smoke in the +streets. But in America the rule does not hold to quite +that extent; though, even here, it is not often that you +catch "a gentleman of the strictest sect," in the street +with a cigar or pipe in his mouth. For a man to go into +the street with a lady on his arm and a cigar in his mouth +is a shocking sight, which no gentleman will ever be guilty +of exhibiting; for he inevitably subjects the woman to the +very worst of suspicions.</p> + +<p>Avoid the disgusting habit of spitting.</p> + +<p>No gentleman will stand in the doors of hotels, nor on +the corners of the streets, gazing impertinently at the +ladies as they pass. That is such an unmistakable sign of +a loafer, that one can hardly imagine a well-bred man doing +such a thing.<span class="pagenum">[131]</span></p> + +<p>Never offer to shake hands with a lady in the street if +you have on dark gloves, as you may soil her white ones. +If you meet a lady friend with whom you wish to converse, +you must not stop, but turn and walk along with her; and +should she be walking with a gentleman, first assure yourself +that you are not intruding before you attempt to join +the two in their walk.</p> + +<p>After twilight, a young lady would not be conducting +herself in a becoming manner, by walking alone; and if +she passes the evening with any one, she ought, beforehand, +to provide some one to come for her at a stated hour; +but if this is not practicable, she should politely ask of +the person whom she is visiting, to permit a servant to +accompany her. But, however much this may be considered +proper, and consequently an obligation, a married +lady, well educated, will disregard it if circumstances prevent +her being able, without trouble, to find a conductor.</p> + +<p>If the host wishes to accompany you himself, you must +excuse yourself politely for giving him so much trouble, +but finish, however, by accepting. On arriving at your +house, you should offer him your thanks. In order to +avoid these two inconveniences, it will be well to request +your husband, or some one of your relatives, to come and +wait upon you; you will, in this way, avoid all inconveniences, +and be entirely free from that harsh criticism which +is sometimes indulged in, especially in small towns, concerning +even the most innocent acts.</p> + +<p>If, when on your way to fulfill an engagement, a friend +stops you in the street, you may, without committing any +breach of etiquette, tell him of your appointment, and +release yourself from a long talk, but do so in a courteous +manner, expressing regret for the necessity.</p> + +<p>In inquiring for goods at a shop or store, do not say, I +want so and so, but say to the shopman—Show me such or<span class="pagenum">[132]</span> +such an article, if you please—or use some other polite +form of address. If you are obliged to examine a number +of articles before you are suited, apologize to the shopkeeper +for the trouble you give him. If, after all, you +cannot suit yourself, renew your apologies when you go +away. If you make only small purchases, say to him—I +am sorry for having troubled you for so trifling a thing.</p> + +<p>You need not stop to pull off your glove to shake hands +with a lady or gentleman. If it is warm weather it is more +agreeable to both parties that the glove should be on—especially +if it is a lady with whom you shake hands, as the +perspiration of your bare hand would be very likely to soil +her glove.</p> + +<p>If a lady addresses an inquiry to a gentleman on the +street, he will lift his hat, or at least touch it respectfully, +as he replies. If he cannot give the information required, +he will express his regrets.</p> + +<p>When tripping over the pavement, a lady should gracefully +raise her dress a little above her ankle. With her +right hand she should hold together the folds of her gown +and draw them toward the right side. To raise the dress +on both sides, and with both hands, is vulgar. This ungraceful +practice can be tolerated only for a moment when +the mud is very deep.</p> + +<p>Most American ladies in our cities wear too rich and +expensive dresses in the street. Some, indeed, will sweep +the side-walks with costly stuffs only fit for a drawing-room +or a carriage. This is in bad taste, and is what ill-natured +people would term snobbish.</p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[133]</a></span></p> + +<h2>TRAVELING.</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">As</span> a general rule, travelers are selfish. They pay little +attention either to the comforts or distresses of their fellow-travelers; +and the commonest observances of politeness +are often sadly neglected by them. In the scramble for +tickets, for seats, for state-rooms, or for places at a public +table, the courtesies of life seem to be trampled under foot. +Even the ladies are sometimes rudely treated and shamefully +neglected in the headlong rush for desirable seats in +the railway cars. To see the behavior of American people +on their travels, one would suppose that we were anything +but a refined nation; and I have often wondered whether +a majority of our travelers could really make a decent +appearance in social society.</p> + +<p>When you are traveling, it is no excuse that because +others outrage decency and propriety you should follow +their example, and fight them with their own weapons. A +rush and scramble at the railway ticket office is always unnecessary. +The cars will not leave until every passenger is +aboard, and if you have ladies with you, you can easily +secure your seats and afterward procure the tickets at leisure. +But suppose you do lose a favorite seat by your +moderation! Is it not better to suffer a little inconvenience +than to show yourself decidedly vulgar? Go to the +cars half an hour before they start, and you will avoid all +trouble of this kind.</p> + +<p>When seated, or about to seat yourself in the cars, never +allow considerations of personal comfort or convenience<span class="pagenum">[134]</span> +to cause you to disregard the rights of fellow-travelers, or +forget the respectful courtesy due to woman. The pleasantest +or most comfortable seats belong to the ladies, and +you should never refuse to resign such seats to them with +a cheerful politeness. Sometimes a gentleman will go +through a car and choose his seat, and afterward vacate it +to procure his ticket, leaving his overcoat or carpet bag to +show that the seat is taken. Always respect this token, +and never seize upon a seat thus secured, without leave, +even though you may want it for a lady. It is not always +necessary for a gentleman to rise after he has seated himself +and offer his seat to a lady, particularly if the lady is +accompanied by another gentleman; for there may still be +eligible vacant seats in the cars. But should you see a +lady come alone, and if the seats in the car all appear to +be filled, do not hesitate to offer her yours, if you have no +ladies in your company. And should a lady motion to seat +herself beside you, rise at once and offer her the choice +of the two seats. These are but common courtesies that +every well-bred man will at all times cheerfully offer to the +other sex.</p> + +<p>Making acquaintances in the cars, although correct +enough, is a measure of which travelers generally appear +to be very shy. There is no reason for this, as acquaintances +thus picked up need never be recognized again +unless you please. If a stranger speaks to you, always +answer him politely, and if his conversation proves disagreeable, +you have no alternative but to change your seat.</p> + +<p>In steamers do not make a rush for the supper table, or +make a glutton of yourself when you get there. Never fail +to offer your seat on deck to a lady, if the seats all appear +to be occupied, and always meet half way any fellow-passenger +who wishes to enter into conversation with you. +Some travelers are so exclusive that they consider it a +presumption on the part of a stranger to address them;<span class="pagenum">[135]</span> +but such people are generally foolish, and of no account. +Sociable intercourse while traveling is one of its main +attractions. Who would care about sitting and moping for +a dozen of hours on board a steamer without exchanging a +word with anybody? and this must be the fate of the exclusives +when they travel alone. Even ladies, who run +greater risks in forming steamboat acquaintances than the +men, are allowed the greatest privileges in that respect. It +might not be exactly correct for a lady to make a speaking +acquaintance of a gentleman; but she may address or +question him for the time being without impropriety.</p> + +<p>Fellow-passengers, whether on a steamboat or in the +cars, should at all times be sociable and obliging to one +another. Those who are the reverse of this may be set +down either as selfish, foolish, or conceited.</p> + +<p>In the cars you have no right to keep a window open for +your accommodation, if the current of air thus produced +annoys or endangers the health of another. There are a +sufficient number of discomforts in traveling, at best, and +it should be the aim of each passenger to lessen them as +much as possible, and to cheerfully bear his own part. +Life is a journey, and we are all fellow-travelers.</p> + +<p>If in riding in an omnibus, or crossing a ferry with a +friend, he wishes to pay for you, never insist upon paying +for yourself or for both. If he is before you, let the matter +pass without remark.</p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[136]</a></span></p> + +<h2>MARRIAGE.</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> speaking of marriage, it is not merely with reference +to its social importance, but as regards certain observances, +concerning which no work on Etiquette has yet given any +explicit rules.</p> + +<p>First, then, with respect to the preliminary subject of +courtship. That unseen monitor, who has already suggested +many points for consideration to lady readers, would +now say to them: Before you admit the attentions of a +gentleman who wishes to pay you his addresses, very carefully +examine your respective tastes and dispositions; and +settle in your own mind what are the most important +requisites of happiness in a married state. With this view, +you must enter upon the consideration of the subject with +a calm and decisive spirit, which will enable you to see +where your true happiness lies, and to pursue it with determined +resolution. In matters of business, follow the +advice of such as are able to guide you; and as regards the +subject of marriage, turn not away from the counsel of +those who are appointed to watch over and direct you.</p> + +<p>If a gentleman gives you reason to believe that he wishes +to engage your affections, seek the advice of your parents, +that they may gain for you every necessary particular with +regard to his morals and disposition, and means of suitably +providing for you. If, unhappily, death has deprived you +of parents, ask counsel of some one who will care for you, +and on whose friendship you can rely. Remember that +you have little knowledge of the world, and that your<span class="pagenum">[137]</span> +judgment has not arrived at full maturity. But however +circumstanced, avoid, as you would the plague, any attentions +from a gentleman whose moral character renders him +undeserving your regard.</p> + +<p>Let neither rank nor fortune, nor the finest order of +intellect, nor yet the most winning manners, induce you to +accept the addresses of an irreligious man. You dare not +ask the blessing of your Heavenly Father upon such +addresses; and without His blessing, what happiness can +you expect? Men often say, "that whatever their own +opinions may be, they will marry religious women." This +may be; but woe to a religious woman, if she allows herself +to be thus beguiled! Supposing your admirer be a +sensible man, he will like religion in you for his own sake; +if, on the contrary, such is not the case, and you become +his wife, he will often, though perhaps without intention, +distress you by his remarks; and in either case, if you have +children, you will suffer much in seeing that your endeavors +to form their minds to virtue and piety, and to secure +their present and eternal happiness, are regarded with +indifference, or at least that you are not assisted in your +efforts.</p> + +<p>Remember, also, that no happiness can be expected in +the marriage state, unless the husband be worthy of respect. +Do not marry a weak man; he is often intractable or +capricious, and seldom listens to the voice of reason; and +most painful must it be to any sensible woman to have to +blush for her husband, and feel uneasy every time he opens +his lips. Still worse, if it should please God to give her +children, if she cannot point to the example of their father +as leading to what is excellent and of good report; nor yet +to his precepts and instructions as their rule of conduct. +One thing is certain, that a weak man uniformly shows his +consequence by contradicting his wife, because he will not +have it supposed that he is under her influence.<span class="pagenum">[138]</span></p> + +<p>Advances, or offers of marriage, are made in a thousand +different ways; but, however tendered, receive them courteously, +and with dignity. If a letter comes to you, answer +it as becomes a gentlewoman—your own heart will dictate +what you ought to say. Questions have arisen with regard +to the wording of such letters, but no certain rule can be +laid down; whether it be answered in the first or third +person, must depend upon the degree of acquaintance +which has previously existed. No young lady would certainly +head her letter with—"Dear Sir," to a suitor whom +she scarcely knows, or to one whom she intends refusing. +She ought, however, on no account, either to receive or +answer letters of the kind without showing them to her +mother; or, if unfortunately without parents, she will do +well to consult some judicious female friend.</p> + +<p>Never trifle with the affections of a man who loves you; +nor admit of marked attentions from one whose affection +you cannot return. Some young ladies pride themselves +upon the conquests which they make, and would not scruple +to sacrifice the happiness of an estimable person to +their reprehensible vanity. Let this be far from you. If +you see clearly that you have become an object of especial +regard to a gentleman, and do not wish to encourage his +addresses, treat him honorably and humanely, as you hope +to be used with generosity by the person who may engage +your own heart. Do not let him linger in suspense, but +take the earliest opportunity of carefully making known +your feelings on the subject. This may be done in a variety +of ways. A refined ease of manner will satisfy him, if +he has any discernment, that his addresses will not be +acceptable. Should your natural disposition render this +difficult, show that you wish to avoid his company, and he +will presently withdraw; but if even this is difficult—and +who can lay down rules for another?—allow an opportunity +for explanation to occur. You can then give him a polite<span class="pagenum">[139]</span> +and decisive answer; and be assured that, in whatever +manner you convey your sentiments to him, if he be a man +of delicacy and right feeling, he will trouble you no further. +Let it never be said of you, that you permit the +attentions of an honorable man when you have no heart to +give him; or that you have trifled with the affections of +one whom you perhaps esteem, although you resolve never +to marry him. It may be that his preference gratifies, and +his conversation interests you; that you are flattered by +the attentions of a man whom some of your companions +admire; and that, in truth, you hardly know your own +mind on the subject. This will not excuse you. Every +young woman ought to know the state of her own heart; +and yet the happiness and future prospects of many an +excellent man have been sacrificed by such unprincipled +conduct.</p> + +<p>Remember that if a gentleman makes you an offer, you +have no right to speak of it. If you possess either generosity +or gratitude for offered affection, you will not betray +a secret which does not belong to you. It is sufficiently +painful to be refused, without incurring the additional +mortification of being pointed out as a rejected lover.</p> + +<p>If, on the contrary, you encourage the addresses of a +deserving man, behave honorably and sensibly. Do not +lead him about as if in triumph, nor take advantage of the +ascendency which you have gained by playing with his +feelings. Do not seek for occasions to tease him, that you +may try his temper; neither affect indifference, nor provoke +lovers' quarrels, for the foolish pleasure of reconciliation. +On your conduct during courtship will very much +depend the estimation in which you will be held by your +husband in after life.</p> + +<p>Assuming that the important day is fixed, and that the +bidden guests have accepted the invitations, a few obser<span class="pagenum">[140]</span>vations may be useful, especially to those who live retired +in the country.</p> + +<p>The bride uniformly goes to church in the same carriage +with her parents, or with those who stand in their place; +as, for instance, if the father is deceased, an elder brother +or uncle, or even guardian, accompanies her mother and +herself. If, unhappily, she is an orphan, and has no relations, +a middle-aged lady and gentleman, friends of her +parents, should be requested to take their place. A bridesmaid +will also occupy a seat in the same carriage.</p> + +<p>The bridegroom finds his way to church in a separate +carriage with his friends, and he will show his gallantry by +handing the bride from her carriage, and paying every +attention to those who accompany her. Any omission in +this respect cannot be too carefully avoided.</p> + +<p>When arrived at the altar, the father of the bride, or, +in default of such relation, the nearest connexion, or some +old friend, gives away the bride. The bridesmaids stand +near the bride; and either her sister, or some favorite +friend, will hold the gloves or handkerchief, as may be +required, when she ungloves her hand for the wedding-ring. +When the ceremony is completed, and the names of +the bride and bridegroom are signed in the vestry, they +first leave the church together, occupying by themselves +the carriage that waits to convey them to the house of the +bride's father and mother, or that of the guardian, or +friend, by whom the bridal breakfast is provided.</p> + +<p>The wedding-cake uniformly occupies the center of the +table. It is often tastefully surrounded with flowers, +among which those of the fragrant orange ought to be conspicuous. +After being cut according to the usages observed +on such occasions, the oldest friend of the family proposes +the lady's health; that of the bridegroom is generally +proposed by some friend of his own, if present; but if this<span class="pagenum">[141]</span> +is not the case, by his father-in-law, or any of his new +relatives, who will deem it incumbent upon them to say +something gratifying to him while proposing his health, +which courtesy he must acknowledge as best he can. After +this the bride withdraws, in order to prepare for leaving +the parental roof, by taking off her wedding, and putting +on her traveling dress; although it happens not unfrequently +that the bride remains in another apartment, and +thus avoids the fatigue and embarrassment of appearing at +the breakfast-table. When this occurs, her place beside +the bridegroom must be occupied by a near relation or +friend. But whether present, or remaining apart with a +few friends, all who are invited to do honor to the bride +must appear in full dress. Bracelets may be worn on one +or both wrists. Black of any kind is wholly inadmissible; +not even black satin can be allowed; and widows must +attire themselves either in quiet colored suits, or else in +silver gray.</p> + +<p>On such festive occasions, all appear in their best attire, +and assume their best manners. Peculiarities that pertain +to past days, or have been unwarily adopted, should be +guarded against; mysteries concerning knives, forks, and +plates, or throwing "an old shoe" after the bride, are +highly reprehensible, and have long been exploded. Such +practices may seem immaterial, but they are not so. +Stranger guests often meet at a wedding breakfast; and +the good breeding of the family may be somewhat compromised +by neglect in small things.</p> + +<p>If the lady appears at breakfast, which is certainly desirable, +she occupies, with her husband, the center of the +table, and sits by his side—her father and mother taking +the top and bottom, and showing all honor to their +guests. When the cake has been cut, and every one is +helped—when, too, the health of the bride and bridegroom<span class="pagenum">[142]</span> +has been drunk, and every compliment and kind wish has +been duly proffered and acknowledged—the bride, attended +by her friends, withdraws; and when ready for her departure +the newly-married couple start off on their wedding +journey, generally about two or three o'clock, and the rest +of the company shortly afterward take their leave.</p> + +<p>In some circles it is customary to send cards almost +immediately to friends and relations, mentioning at what +time and hour the newly-married couple expect to be called +upon. Some little inconvenience occasionally attends this +custom, as young people may wish to extend their wedding +tour beyond the time first mentioned, or, if they go abroad, +delays may unavoidably occur. It is therefore better to +postpone sending cards, for a short time at least.</p> + +<p>Fashions change continually with regard to wedding-cards. +A few years since they were highly ornamented, +and fantastically tied together; now silver-edged cards are +fashionable; but, unquestionably, the plainer and more +unostentatious a wedding-card, the more lady-like and +becoming it will be.</p> + +<p>No one to whom a wedding-card has not been sent ought +to call upon a newly-married couple.</p> + +<p>When the days named for seeing company arrive, remember +to be punctual. Call, if possible, the first day, +but neither before nor after the appointed hour. Wedding-cake +and wine are handed round, of which every one +partakes, and each expresses some kindly wish for the +happiness of the newly-married couple.</p> + +<p>Taking possession of their home by young people is +always a joyous period. The depressing influence of a +wedding breakfast, where often the hearts of many are +sad, is not felt, and every one looks forward to years of +prosperity and happiness.<span class="pagenum">[143]</span></p> + +<p>If the gentleman is in a profession, and it happens that +he cannot await the arrival of such as call, according to +invitation on the wedding-card, an apology must be made, +and, if possible, an old friend of the family should represent +him. A bride must on no account receive her visitors +without a mother, or sister, or some friend being present, +not even if her husband is at home. This is imperative. +To do otherwise is to disregard the usuages of society. +We remember once calling on a very young bride, and +found her alone. Conjectures were made by every visitor +with regard to such a strange occurrence, and their surprise +was still more increased, when it became known that +the young lady returned her calls equally unattended.</p> + +<p>Wedding visits must be returned during the course of a +few days, and parties are generally made for the newly-married +couple, which they are expected to return. This +does not, however, necessarily entail much visiting; +neither is it expected from young people, whose resources +may be somewhat limited, or when the husband has to +make his way in the world.</p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[144]</a></span></p> + +<h2>DOMESTIC ETIQUETTE AND DUTIES.</h2> +<p>"<span class="smcap">The</span> little community to which I gave laws," said the +Vicar of Wakefield, "was regulated in the following manner:—We +all assembled early, and after we had saluted +each other with proper ceremony, (for I always thought fit +to keep up some mechanical forms of good breeding, without +which, freedom ever destroys friendship,) we all knelt +in gratitude to that Being who gave us another day. So +also when we parted for the night."</p> + +<p>We earnestly recommend that the precepts and example +of the good old Vicar should be followed and adopted by +every newly-married couple. With regard to the first, the +courtesies of society should never be omitted, in even the +most trivial matters; and, as respects the second, what +blessing can be reasonably expected to descend upon a +house wherein the voice of thanksgiving is never heard, +nor yet protection sought by its acknowledged head!</p> + +<p>On the wife especially devolves the privilege and pleasure +of rendering home happy. We shall, therefore, speak of +such duties and observances as pertain to her.</p> + +<p>When a young wife first settles in her home, many +excellent persons, with more zeal, it may be, than discretion, +immediately propose that she should devote some of +her leisure time to charitable purposes: such, for instance, +as clothing societies for the poor, or schools, or district +visiting. We say with all earnestness to our young friend, +engage in nothing of the kind, however laudable, without<span class="pagenum">[145]</span> +previously consulting your husband, and obtaining his full +concurrence. Carefully avoid, also, being induced by any +specious arguments to attend evening lectures, unless he +accompanies you. Remember that your Heavenly Father, +who has given you a home to dwell in, requires from you a +right performance of its duties. Win your husband, by all +gentle appliances, to love religion; but do not, for the sake +even of a privilege and a blessing, leave him to spend his +evenings alone. Look often on your marriage ring, and +remember the sacred vows taken by you when the ring was +given; such thoughts will go far toward allaying many of +these petty vexations which circumstances call forth.</p> + +<p>Never let your husband have cause to complain that you +are more agreeable abroad than at home; nor permit him +to see in you an object of admiration, as respects your dress +and manners, when in company, while you are negligent +of both in the domestic circle. Many an unhappy marriage +has been occasioned by neglect in these particulars. +Nothing can be more senseless than the conduct of a +young woman, who seeks to be admired in general society +for her politeness and engaging manners, or skill in music, +when, at the same time, she makes no effort to render her +home attractive; and yet that home, whether a palace or a +cottage, is the very center of her being—the nucleus around +which her affections should revolve, and beyond which she +has comparatively small concern.</p> + +<p>Beware of intrusting any individual whatever with small +annoyances, or misunderstandings, between your husband +and yourself, if they unhappily occur. Confidants are dangerous +persons, and many seek to obtain an ascendency +in families by gaining the good opinion of young married +women. Be on your guard, and reject every overture that +may lead to undesirable intimacy. Should any one presume +to offer you advice with regard to your husband, or +seek to lessen him by insinuations, shun that person as you<span class="pagenum">[146]</span> +would a serpent. Many a happy home has been rendered +desolate by exciting coolness or suspicion, or by endeavors +to gain importance in an artful and insidious manner.</p> + +<p>In all money matters, act openly and honorably. Keep +your accounts with the most scrupulous exactness, and let +your husband see that you take an honest pride in rightly +appropriating the money which he intrusts to you. "My +husband works hard for every dollar that he earns," said a +young married lady, the wife of a professional man, to a +friend who found her busily employed in sewing buttons +on her husband's coat, "and it seems to me worse than +cruel to lay out a dime unnecessarily." Be very careful, +also, that you do not spend more than can be afforded in +dress; and be satisfied with such carpets and curtains in +your drawing-room as befit a moderate fortune, or professional +income. Natural ornaments, and flowers tastefully +arranged, give an air of elegance to a room in which the +furniture is far from costly; and books judiciously placed, +uniformly produce a good effect. A sensible woman will +always seek to ornament her home, and to render it attractive, +more especially as this is the taste of the present day. +The power of association is very great; light, and air, and +elegance, are important in their effects. No wife acts +wisely who permits her sitting-room to look dull in the +eyes of him whom she ought especially to please, and with +whom she has to pass her days.</p> + +<p>In middle life, instances frequently occur of concealment +with regard to money concerns; thus, for instance, a wife +wishes to possess an article of dress which is too costly for +immediate purchase, or a piece of furniture liable to the +same objection. She accordingly makes an agreement with +a seller, and there are many who call regularly at houses +when the husband is absent on business, and who receive +whatever the mistress of the house can spare from her expenses. +A book is kept by the seller, in which payments<span class="pagenum">[147]</span> +are entered; but a duplicate is never retained by the wife, +and therefore she has no check whatever. We have known +an article of dress paid for in this manner, far above its +value, and have heard a poor young woman, who has been +thus duped, say to a lady, who remonstrated with her: +"Alas! what can I do? I dare not tell my husband." It +may be that the same system, though differing according +to circumstances, is pursued in a superior class of life. +We have reason to think that it is so, and therefore affectionately +warn our younger sisters to beware of making +purchases that require concealment. Be content with such +things as you can honorably afford, and such as your husbands +approve. You can then wear them with every feeling +of self-satisfaction.</p> + +<p>Before dismissing this part of our subject, we beseech +you to avoid all bickerings. What does it signify where a +picture hangs, or whether a rose or a pink looks best on +the drawing-room table? There is something inexpressibly +endearing in small concessions, in gracefully giving up +a favorite opinion, or in yielding to the will of another; +and equally painful is the reverse. The mightiest rivers +have their source in streams; the bitterest domestic misery +has often arisen from some trifling difference of opinion. +If, by chance, you marry a man of a hasty temper, great +discretion is required. Much willingness, too, and prayer +for strength to rule your own spirit are necessary. Three +instances occur to us, in which, ladies have knowingly married +men of exceeding violent tempers, and yet have lived +happily. The secret of their happiness consisted in possessing +a perfect command over themselves, and in seeking, +by every possible means, to prevent their husbands from +committing themselves in their presence.</p> + +<p>Lastly, remember your standing as a lady, and never +approve a mean action, nor speak an unrefined word; let +all your conduct be such as an honorable and right-minded<span class="pagenum">[148]</span> +man may look for in his wife, and the mother of his children. +The slightest duplicity destroys confidence. The +least want of refinement in conversation, or in the selection +of books, lowers a woman, ay, and for ever! Follow these +few simple precepts, and they shall prove to you of more +worth than rubies; neglect them, and you will know what +sorrow is. They apply to every class of society, in every +place where man has fixed his dwelling; and to the woman +who duly observes them may be given the beautiful commendation +of Solomon, when recording the words which +the mother of King Lemuel taught him:</p> + +<p>"The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her; she +will do him good, and not evil, all the days of her life. +Strength and honor are her clothing; and she shall rejoice +in time to come. Her children rise up, and call her +blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her."—Prov. +xxxi.</p> + +<p>We shall now address ourselves exclusively to our brethren; +to them who have taken upon themselves the sacred +and comprehensive names of husband and of master, who +have formed homes to dwell in, and have placed therein, as +their companions through life's pilgrimage, gentle and +confiding ones, who have left for them all that was heretofore +most dear, and whom they have sworn to love and to +cherish.</p> + +<p>When a man marries, it is understood that all former +acquaintanceship <i>ends</i>, unless he intimates a desire to renew +it, by sending you his own and his wife's card, if near, or +by letter, if distant. If this be neglected, be sure no further +intercourse is desired.</p> + +<p>In the first place, a bachelor is seldom <i>very particular</i> +in the choice of his companions. So long as he is amused, +he will associate freely enough with those whose morals<span class="pagenum">[149]</span> +and habits would point them out as highly dangerous persons +to introduce into the sanctity of domestic life.</p> + +<p>Secondly, a married man has the tastes of <i>another</i> +to consult; and the friend of the <i>husband</i> may not be +equally acceptable to the <i>wife</i>.</p> + +<p>Besides, newly-married people may wish to limit the circle +of their friends, from praiseworthy motives of economy. +When a man first "<i>sets up</i>" in the world, the burden of +an extensive and indiscriminate acquaintance may be felt +in various ways. Many have had cause to regret the weakness +of mind which allowed them to plunge into a vortex +of gaiety and expense they could ill afford, from which +they have found it difficult to extricate themselves, and the +effects of which have proved a serious evil to them in +after-life.</p> + +<p>Remember that you have now, as a married man, a very +different standing in society from the one which you previously +held, and that the happiness of another is committed +to your charge. Render, therefore, your home happy +by kindness and attention to your wife, and carefully +watch over your words and actions. If small disputes +arise, and your wife has not sufficient good sense to yield +her opinion; nay, if she even seems determined to have +her own way, and that tenaciously, do not get angry; +rather be silent, and let the matter rest. An opportunity +will soon occur of speaking affectionately, yet decidedly, +on the subject, and much good will be effected. Master +your own temper, and you will soon master your wife's; +study her happiness without yielding to any caprices, and +you will have no reason to regret your self-control.</p> + +<p>Never let your wife go to church alone on Sunday. You +can hardly do a worse thing as regards her good opinion of +you, and the well-being of your household. It is a pitiable +sight to see a young wife going toward the church-door<span class="pagenum">[150]</span> +unattended, alone in the midst of a crowd, with her +thoughts dwelling, it may be very sadly, on the time when +you were proud to walk beside her. Remember that the +condition of a young bride is often a very solitary one; +and that for your sake she has left her parents' roof, and +the companionship of her brothers and sisters. If you are +a professional man, your wife may have to live in the +neighborhood of a large city, where she scarcely knows any +one, and without those agreeable domestic occupations, or +young associates, among whom she had grown up. Her +garden and poultry-yard are hers no longer, and the day +passes without the light of any smile but yours. You go +off, most probably after breakfast, to your business or profession, +and do not return till a late dinner; perhaps even +not then, if you are much occupied, or have to keep up +professional connections. It seems unmanly, certainly +most unkind, to let your young wife go to church on Sunday +without you, for the common-place satisfaction of +lounging at home. To act in this manner is certainly a +breach of domestic etiquette. Sunday is the only day in +which you can enable her to forget her father's house, and +the pleasant associations of her girlhood days—in which +you can pay her those attentions which prevent all painful +comparisons as regards the past. Sunday is a day of rest, +wisely and mercifully appointed to loose the bonds by +which men are held to the world; let it be spent by you as +becomes the head of a family. Let no temptation ever induce +you to wish your wife to relinquish attending Divine +service, merely that she may "idle at home with you." +Religion is her safeguard amid the trials or temptations of +this world. And woe may be to you if you seek to withdraw +her from its protection!</p> + +<p>Much perplexity in the marriage state often arises from +want of candor. Men conceal their affairs, and expect +their wives to act with great economy, without assigning<span class="pagenum">[151]</span> +any reason why such should be the case; but the husband +ought frankly to tell his wife the real amount of his income; +for, unless this is done, she cannot properly regulate +her expenses. They ought then to consult together +as to the sum that can be afforded for housekeeping, which +should be rather below than above the mark. When this +is arranged he will find it advantageous to give into her +hands, either weekly, monthly, or quarterly, the sum that +is appropriated for daily expenditure, and above all things +to avoid interfering without absolute necessity. The home +department belongs exclusively to the wife; the province +of the husband is to rule the house—hers to regulate its +internal movements. True it is, that some inexperienced +young creatures know but little of household concerns. If +this occur, have patience, and do not become pettish or ill-humored. +If too much money is laid out at first, give +advice, kindly and firmly, and the young wife will soon +learn how to perform her new duties.</p> + +<p>No good ever yet resulted, or ever will result from unnecessary +interference. If a man unhappily marries an +incorrigible simpleton, or spendthrift, he cannot help himself. +Such, however, is rarely the case. Let a man preserve +his own position, and assist his wife to do the same; +all things will then move together, well and harmoniously.</p> + +<p>Much sorrow, and many heart-burnings, may be avoided +by judicious conduct in the outset of life. Husbands +should give their wives all confidence. They have intrusted +to them their happiness, and should never suspect +them of desiring to waste their money. Whenever a disposition +is manifested to do right, express your approbation. +Be pleased with trifles, and commend efforts to excel +on every fitting occasion. If your wife is diffident, encourage +her, and avoid seeing small mistakes. It is unreasonable +to add to the embarrassments of her new condition, by<span class="pagenum">[152]</span> +ridiculing her deficiencies. Forbear extolling the previous +management of your mother or your sisters. Many a wife +has been alienated from her husband's family, and many +an affectionate heart has been deeply wounded by such +injudicious conduct; and, as a sensible woman will always +pay especial attention to the relations of her husband, and +entertain them with affectionate politeness, the husband +on his part should always cordially receive and duly attend +to her relations. The reverse of this, on either side, is +often productive of unpleasant feelings.</p> + +<p>Lastly, we recommend every young married man, who +wishes to render his home happy, to consider his wife as +the light of his domestic circle, and to permit no clouds, +however small, to obscure the region in which she presides. +Most women are naturally amiable, gentle, and complying; +and if a wife becomes perverse, and indifferent to her +home, it is generally her husband's fault. He may have +neglected her happiness; but nevertheless it is unwise in +her to retort, and, instead of faithfully reflecting the +brightness that still may shine upon her, to give back the +dusky and cheerless hue which saddens her existence. Be +not selfish, but complying, in small things. If your wife +dislikes cigars—and few young women like to have their +clothes tainted by tobacco—leave off smoking; for it is, at +best, an ungentlemanly and dirty habit. If your wife asks +you to read to her, do not put your feet upon a chair and +go to sleep. If she is fond of music, accompany her as +you were wont when you sought her for a bride. The +husband may say that he is tired, and does not like music, +or reading aloud. This may occasionally be true, and no +amiable woman will ever desire her husband to do what +would really weary him. We, however, recommend a +young man to practice somewhat of self-denial, and to +remember that no one acts with a due regard to his own +happiness who lays aside, when married, those gratifying<span class="pagenum">[153]</span> +attentions which he was ever ready to pay the lady of his +love; or those rational sources of home enjoyment which +made her look forward with a bounding heart to become +his companion through life.</p> + +<p>Etiquette is a comprehensive term; and its observances +are nowhere more to be desired than in the domestic +circle.</p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[154]</a></span></p> + +<h2>ON GENERAL SOCIETY.</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">To</span> cultivate the art of pleasing is not only worthy of our +ambition, but it is the dictate of humanity to render ourselves +as agreeable as possible to those around us. While, +therefore, we condemn that false system of philosophy +which recommends the practice of flattery and deception +for the purpose of winning the regard of those with whom +we come in contact, we would rather urge the sincere and +open conduct which is founded on moral principle, and +which looks to the happiness of others, not through any +sordid and selfish aim, but for the reward which virtuous +actions bestow. Indeed, we do not discover the necessity +of duplicity and hypocrisy in our intercourse with society. +The virtues and the graces are not antagonistic. The sacrifice +of personal convenience for the accommodation of +others; the repression of our egotism and self-esteem; the +occasional endurance of whatever is disagreeable or irksome +to us through consideration for the infirmities of +others, are not only some of the characteristics of true +politeness, but are in the very spirit of benevolence, and, +we might add, religion.</p> + +<p>The English have a rule of etiquette, that if you are +introduced to a person of higher position in society than +yourself, you must never recognize him when you meet, +until you see whether he intends to notice you. The +meaning of this rule is, that you should be polite to nobody +until you see whether they mean to be polite to you, +which is simply refusing politeness in the name of polite<span class="pagenum">[155]</span>ness itself. There is a story of an unfortunate clerk of the +Treasury, who dined one day at the Beef-steak Club, where +he sat next to a duke, who conversed freely with him at +dinner. The next day, meeting the duke in the street, he +saluted him. But his grace, drawing himself up, said: +"May I know, sir, to whom I have the honor of speaking?" +"Why, we dined together at the club yesterday—I am Mr. +Timms, of the Treasury," was the reply. "Then," said +the duke, turning on his heel, "Mr. Timms, of the Treasury, +I wish you <i>a good morning</i>." Though this anecdote +is related in the English books as an example of etiquette, +it is undoubtedly true that Mr. Timms, of the Treasury, +was the politest man of the two; for even if he had made a +mistake in being a little familiar in his politeness, had the +duke been really a polite man he would have made the best +of it, by returning the salutation, instead of the brutal +mortification which he heaped upon the clerk of the Treasury. +Everybody has read the anecdote of Washington, +who politely returned the salutation of a negro, which +caused his friend to ask if he "bowed to a negro." "To +be sure I do; do you think that I would allow a negro to +outdo me in politeness?" said Washington. This is the +American rule. Everybody in this country may be polite +to everybody—and if any one is too haughty and too ill-bred +to return the salutation, with him alone rests the +responsibility and the shame.</p> + +<p>A lady in company should never exhibit any anxiety to +sing or play; but if she intends to do so, she should not +affect to refuse when asked, but obligingly accede at once. +If you cannot sing, or do not choose to, say so with seriousness +and gravity, and put an end to the expectation +promptly. After singing once or twice, cease and give +place to others. There is an old saying, that a singer can +with the greatest difficulty be set agoing, and when agoing, +cannot be stopped.<span class="pagenum">[156]</span></p> + +<p>Never commend a lady's musical skill to another lady +who herself plays.</p> + +<p>Modern Chesterfields, who pretend to be superlatively +well-bred, tell one never to be "in a hurry." "To be in a +hurry," say they, "is ill-bred." The <i>dictum</i> is absurd. +It is sometimes necessary to be hurried. In the streets of +the city one must hasten with the multitude. To walk or +lounge, as people who have nothing else to do, in Wall +Street, or Broadway, would be out of place and absurd. +Judgment requires us, not less than manners, to conform +slightly with the behavior of those with whom we associate +or are forced to remain.</p> + +<p>Never lose your temper at cards, and particularly avoid +the exhibition of anxiety or vexation at want of success. +If you are playing whist, not only keep your temper, but +hold your tongue; any intimation to your partner is decidedly +ungentlemanly.</p> + +<p>Do not take upon yourself to do the honors in another +man's house, nor constitute yourself master of the ceremonies, +as you will thereby offend the host and hostess.</p> + +<p>Do not press before a lady at a theater or a concert. +Always yield to her, if practicable, your seat and place. +Do not sit when she is standing, without offering her your +place. Consult not only your own ease, but also the comfort +of those around you.</p> + +<p>Do not cross a room in an anxious manner, and force +your way up to a lady merely to receive a bow, as by so +doing you attract the eyes of the company toward her. If +you are desirous of being noticed by any one in particular, +put yourself in their way as if by accident, and do not let +them <i>see</i> that you have sought them out; unless, indeed, +there be something very important to communicate.<span class="pagenum">[157]</span></p> + +<p>Gentlemen who attend ladies to the opera, to concerts, +to lectures, etc., should take off their hats on entering the +room, and while showing them their seats. Having taken +your seats remain quietly in them, and avoid, unless absolute +necessity requires it, incommoding others by crowding +out and in before them. If obliged to do this, politely +apologize for the trouble you cause them. To talk during +the performance is an act of rudeness and injustice. You +thus proclaim your own ill-breeding and invade the rights +of others, who have paid for the privilege of hearing the +performers, and not for listening to you.</p> + +<p>If you are in attendance upon a lady at any opera, concert, +or lecture, you should retain your seat at her side; +but if you have no lady with you, and have taken a desirable +seat, you should, if need be, cheerfully relinquish it +in favor of a lady, for one less eligible.</p> + +<p>To the opera, or theater, ladies should wear opera hoods, +which are to be taken off on entering. In this country, +custom permits the wearing of bonnets; but as they are +neither convenient nor comfortable, ladies should dispense +with their use whenever they can.</p> + +<p>Gloves should be worn by ladies in church, and in places +of public amusement. Do not take them off to shake +hands. Great care should be taken that they are well made +and fit neatly.</p> + +<p>If you would have your children grow up beloved and +respected by their elders as well as their contemporaries, +teach them good manners in their childhood. The young +sovereign should first learn to obey, that he may be the +better fitted to command in his turn.</p> + +<p>Show, but do not show off, your children to strangers. +Recollect, in the matter of children, how many are born<span class="pagenum">[158]</span> +every hour, each one almost as remarkable as yours in the +eyes of its papa and mamma.</p> + +<p>Notwithstanding that good general breeding is easy of +attainment, and is, in fact, attained by most people, yet we +may enlarge upon a saying of Emerson's, by declaring that +the world has never yet seen "a perfect gentleman."</p> + +<p>It is not deemed polite and respectful to smoke in the +presence of ladies, even though they are amiable enough +to permit it. A gentleman, therefore, is not in the habit +of smoking in the parlor, for if there is nobody present to +object, it leaves a smell in the room which the wife has +good reason to be mortified at, if discovered by her +guests.</p> + +<p>It is very common to see persons eat, drink, and smoke +to excess. Such habits are vulgar in the lowest degree. +Some men pride themselves on their abilities in drinking +and smoking—more especially in the latter. These are +blunders that need no reasoning to expose them. The +man who exhibits a tendency to excesses will, sooner or +later, be shunned by all except a few of his own stamp, +and not even by them be respected. Guard against excess +in all things, as neither gentlemanly nor human.</p> + +<p>Spitting is a filthy habit, and annoys one in almost every +quarter, in-doors and out. Since vulgarity has had its +way so extensively amongst us, every youth begins to +smoke and spit before he has well cut his teeth. Smoking +is unquestionably so great a pleasure to those accustomed +to it, that it must not be condemned, yet the spitting associated +with it detracts very much from the enjoyment. No +refined person will spit where ladies are present, or in any +public promenade; the habit is disgusting in the extreme, +and one would almost wish that it could be checked in +public by means of law.<span class="pagenum">[159]</span></p> + +<p>Never scratch your head, pick your teeth, clean your +nails, or, worse than all, pick your nose in company; all +these things are disgusting.</p> + +<p>To indulge in ridicule, whether the subject be present or +absent, is to descend below the level of gentlemanly propriety. +Your skill may excite laughter, but will not insure +respect.</p> + +<p>A reverential regard for religious observances, and religious +opinions, is a distinguishing trait of a refined mind. +Whatever your opinions on the subject, you are not to +intrude them on others, perhaps to the shaking of their +faith and happiness. Religious topics should be avoided +in conversation, except where all are prepared to concur in +a respectful treatment of the subject. In mixed societies +the subject should never be introduced.</p> + +<p>Frequent consultation of the watch or time-pieces is impolite, +either when at home or abroad. If at home, it +appears as if you were tired of your company and wished +them to be gone; if abroad, as if the hours dragged heavily, +and you were calculating how soon you would be +released.</p> + +<p>Never read in company. A gentleman or lady may, however, +look over a book of engravings with propriety.</p> + +<p>The simpler, and the more easy and unconstrained your +manners, the more you will impress people of your good +breeding. <i>Affectation</i> is one of the brazen marks of vulgarity.</p> + +<p>It is very unbecoming to exhibit petulance, or angry +feeling, though it is indulged in so largely in almost every +circle. The true gentleman does not suffer his countenance +to be easily ruffled; and we only look paltry when we suffer +temper to hurry us into ill-judged expressions of feeling. +"He that is soon angry dealeth foolishly."<span class="pagenum">[160]</span></p> + +<p>Commands should never be given in a commanding tone. +A gentleman requests, he does not command. We are not +to assume so much importance, whatever our station, as to +give orders in the "imperative mood," nor are we ever +justified in thrusting the consciousness of servitude on any +one. The blunder of commanding sternly is most frequently +committed by those who have themselves but just +escaped servitude, and we should not exhibit to others a +weakness so unbecoming.</p> + +<p>It is a great thing to be able to <i>walk like a gentleman</i>—that +is, to get rid of the awkward, lounging, swinging gait +of a clown, and stop before you reach the affected and flippant +step of a dandy. In short, nothing but <i>being a gentleman</i> +can ever give you the air and step of one. A man +who has a shallow or an impudent brain will be quite sure +to show it in his heels, in spite of all that rules of manners +can do for him.</p> + +<p>A gentleman never sits in the house with his hat on in +the presence of ladies for a single moment. Indeed, so +strong is the force of habit, that a gentleman will quite +unconsciously remove his hat on entering a parlor, or +drawing-room, even if there is no one present but himself. +People who sit in the house with their hats on are to be +suspected of having spent the most of their time in bar-rooms, +and similar places. <i>A gentleman never sits with his +hat on in the theater.</i> Gentlemen do not generally sit even +in an eating-room with their hats on, if there is any convenient +place to put them.</p> + +<p>The books on etiquette will tell you, that on waiting on +a lady into a carriage, or the box of a theater, you are to +take off your hat; but such <i>is not</i> the custom among polite +people in this country. The inconvenience of such a rule +is a good reason against its observance in a country where +the practice of politeness has in it nothing of the servility<span class="pagenum">[161]</span> +which is often attached to it in countries where the code of +etiquette is dictated by the courts of monarchy. In handing +a lady into a carriage, a gentleman <i>may</i> need to employ +both his hands, and he has no third hand to hold on to his +hat.</p> + +<p>Cleanliness of person is a distinguishing trait of every +well-bred person; and this not on state occasions only, but +at all times, even at home. It is a folly to sit by the fire +in a slovenly state, consoling oneself with the remark, +"Nobody will call to-day." Should somebody call we +are in no plight to receive them, and otherwise it is an +injury to the character to allow slovenly habits to control +us even when we are unseen.</p> + +<p>Chesterfield inveighs against holding a man by the button, +"for if people are not willing to hear you, you had +much better hold your tongue than them." Button-holing +is not a common vice, but pointing, nudging, hitting a +man in the side with your fist, or giving him a kick of +recognition under the table, are too common not to be +noticed here as terrible breaches of deportment. Significant +looks and gestures are equally objectionable, and must +be avoided by all who desire to soar above positive vulgarity. +I have often been annoyed by hearing a friend discourse +on some person's failings or excellences, the person +referred to being only known to the speaker. It is a bad +rule to talk of persons at all, but more especially if the +person spoken of is not known to all the listeners.</p> + +<p>Do not offer a person the chair from which you have just +risen, unless there be no other in the room.</p> + +<p>Never take the chair usually occupied by the lady or +gentleman of the house, even though they be absent, nor +use the snuff-box of another, unless he offer it.</p> + +<p>Do not lean your head against the wall. You will either +soil the paper, or get your hair well powdered with lime. +<span class="pagenum">[162]</span></p> + +<p>Do not touch any of the ornaments in the houses where +you visit; they are meant only for the use of the lady of +the house, and may be admired, but not touched.</p> + +<p>Lord Chesterfield, in his "Advice to his Son," justly +characterizes an absent man as unfit for business or conversation. +Absence of mind is usually affected, and springs +in most cases from a desire to be thought abstracted in +profound contemplations. The world, however, gives a +man no credit for vast ideas who exhibits absence when he +should be attentive, even to trifles. The world is right in +this, and I would implore every studious youth to forget +that he is studious when he enters company. I have seen +many a man, who would have made a bright character +otherwise, affect a foolish reserve, remove himself as far +from others as possible, and in a mixed assembly, where +social prattle or sincere conversation enlivened the hearts +of the company, sit by himself abstracted in a book. It is +foolish, and, what is worse for the absentee, it looks so. A +hint on this subject is sufficient, and we do hint, that abstractedness +of manner should never be exhibited; the +greatest geniuses have ever been attentive to trifles when +it so behooved them.</p> + +<p>Affectation of superiority galls the feelings of those to +whom it is offered. In company with an inferior, never +let him feel his inferiority. An employer, who invites his +confidential clerk to his house, should treat him in every +way the same as his most distinguished guest. No reference +to business should be made, and anything in the +shape of command avoided. It is very easy by a look, a +word, the mode of reception, or otherwise, to advertise to +the other guests, "This is my clerk," or, "The person I +now treat as a guest was yesterday laboring in my service;" +but such a thing would lower the host more than it would +annoy the guest. Before Burns had arrived at his high +popularity, he was once invited by some puffed-up lairds +<span class="pagenum">[163]</span> +to dine, in order that they might have the gratification of +hearing the poet sing one of his own songs. Burns was +shown into the servants' hall, and left to dine with the +menials. After dinner he was invited to the drawing-room, +and a glass of wine being handed to him, requested to sing +one of his own songs. He immediately gave his entertainers +that thrilling assertion of independence, "A man's a +man for a' that," and left the moment he had finished, his +heart embittered at patronage offered in a manner so insulting +to his poverty.</p> + +<p>People who have risen in the world are too apt to suppose +they render themselves of consequence <i>in proportion +to the pride they display</i>, and their want of attention toward +those with whom they come in contact. This is a terrible +mistake, as every ill-bred act recoils with triple violence +against its perpetrators, by leading the offended parties to +analyze them, and to question their right of assuming a +superiority to which they are but rarely entitled.</p> + +<p>Punctuality is one of the characteristics of politeness. +He who does not keep his appointments promptly is unfit +for the society of gentlemen, and will soon find himself +shut out from it.</p> + +<p>In private, watch your thoughts; in your family, watch +your temper; in society, watch your tongue.</p> + +<p>Avoid restlessness in company, lest you make the whole +party as fidgety as yourself. "Do not beat the 'Devil's +tattoo' by drumming with your fingers on the table; it +cannot fail to annoy every one within hearing, and is the +index of a vacant mind. Neither read the newspaper in an +audible whisper, as it disturbs the attention of those near +you. Both these bad habits are particularly offensive +where most common, that is, in a counting or news-room. +Remember, that a carelessness as to what may incommode +others is the sure sign of a coarse and ordinary mind; +<span class="pagenum">[164]</span> +indeed, the essential part of good breeding is more in the +avoidance of whatever may be disagreeable to others, than +even an accurate observance of the customs of good society."</p> + +<p>Good sense must, in many cases, determine good breeding; +because the same thing that would be civil at one +time and to one person, may be quite otherwise at another +time and to another person.</p> + +<p>Chesterfield says, "As learning, honor, and virtue are +absolutely necessary to gain you the esteem and admiration +of mankind, politeness and good breeding are equally +necessary to make you welcome and agreeable in conversation +and common life. Great talents, such as honor, +virtue, learning, and parts, are above the generality of the +world, who neither possess them themselves nor judge of +them rightly in others; but all people are judges of the +lesser talents, such as civility, affability, and an obliging, +agreeable address and manner; because they feel the good +effects of them, as making society easy and pleasing."</p> + +<p>If you are in a public room, as a library or reading-room, +avoid loud conversation or laughing, which may disturb +others. At the opera, or a concert, be profoundly silent +during the performances; if you do not wish to hear the +music, you have no right to interfere with the enjoyment +of others.</p> + +<p>In accompanying ladies to any public place, as to a concert +or lecture, you should precede them in entering the +room, and procure seats for them.</p> + +<p>Never allow a lady to get a chair for herself, ring a bell, +pick up a handkerchief or glove she may have dropped, or, +in short, perform any service for herself which you can +perform for her, when you are in the room. By extending +such courtesies to your mother, sisters, or other members +<span class="pagenum">[165]</span> +of your family, they become habitual, and are thus more +gracefully performed when abroad.</p> + +<p>Etiquette in church is entirely out of place; but we may +here observe that a conversation wantonly profligate always +offends against good manners, nor can an irreligious +man ever achieve that bearing which constitutes the true +gentleman. He may be very polished and observant of +form, and even if so, he will, out of respect for others, +refrain from intruding his opinions and abstain from attacking +those of others.</p> + +<p>Chesterfield says, "Civility is particularly due to all +women; and, remember, that no provocation whatsoever +can justify any man in not being civil to every woman; +and the greatest man would justly be reckoned a brute if +he were not civil to the meanest woman. It is due to their +sex, and is the only protection they have against the superior +strength of ours; nay, even a little is allowable with +women; and a man may, without weakness, tell a woman +she is either handsomer or wiser than she is."</p> + +<p>Keep your engagements. Nothing is ruder than to +make an engagement, be it of business or pleasure, and +break it. If your memory is not sufficiently retentive to +keep all the engagements you make stored within it, carry +a little memorandum book and enter them there. Especially +keep any appointment made with a lady, for, depend +upon it, the fair sex forgive any other fault in good breeding, +sooner than a broken engagement.</p> + +<p>The right of privacy is sacred, and should always be +respected. It is exceedingly improper to enter a private +room anywhere without knocking. No relation, however +intimate, will justify an abrupt intrusion upon a private +apartment. So the trunks, boxes, packets, papers, and +letters of every individual, locked or unlocked, sealed or +unsealed, are sacred. It is ill-manners even to open a<span class="pagenum">[166]</span> +book-case, or to read a written paper lying open, without +permission expressed or implied. Books in an open case +or on a center-table, cards in a card-case, and newspapers, +are presumed to be open for examination. Be careful +where you go, what you read, and what you handle, particularly +in private apartments.</p> + +<p>Avoid intermeddling with the affairs of others. This is +a most common fault. A number of people seldom meet +but they begin discussing the affairs of some one who is +absent. This is not only uncharitable but positively unjust. +It is equivalent to trying a <i>cause in the absence of the +person implicated</i>. Even in the criminal code a prisoner is +presumed to be innocent until he is found guilty. Society, +however, is less just, and passes judgment without hearing +the defence. Depend upon it, as a certain rule, <i>that the +people who unite with you in discussing the affairs of others +will proceed to scandalize you the moment that you depart</i>.</p> + +<p>Be well read also, for the sake of the general company +and the ladies, in the literature of the day. You will +thereby enlarge the regions of pleasurable talk. Besides, +it is often necessary. Haslitt, who had entertained an unfounded +prejudice against Dickens's works when they were +first written, confesses that he was at last obliged to read +them, because he could not enter a mixed company without +hearing them admired and quoted.</p> + +<p>Always conform your conduct, as near as possible, to the +company with whom you are associated. If you should be +thrown among people who are vulgar, it is better to humor +them than to set yourself up, then and there, for a model +of politeness. It is related of a certain king that on a particular +occasion he turned his tea into his saucer, contrary +to the etiquette of society, because two country ladies, +whose hospitalities he was enjoying, did so. That king +was a gentleman; and this anecdote serves to illustrate an<span class="pagenum">[167]</span> +important principle: namely, that true politeness and +genuine good manners often not only permit, but absolutely +demand, a violation of some of the arbitrary rules of +etiquette. Bear this fact in mind.</p> + +<p>Although these remarks will not be sufficient in themselves +to <i>make</i> you a <i>gentleman</i>, yet they will enable you to +avoid any glaring impropriety, and do much to render you +easy and confident in society.</p> + +<p>Gentility is neither in birth, manner, nor fashion—but +in <i>the</i> <span class="smcap">Mind</span>. A high sense of honor—a determination +never to take a mean advantage of another—an adherence +to truth, delicacy, and politeness toward those with whom +you may have dealings—are the essential and distinguishing +characteristics of <span class="smcap">a Gentleman</span>.</p> + +<p class="h3">THE END.<span class="pagenum">[168]</span></p> + +<p class="spacer"> </p> + +<div class="trnote"> + +<p class="cen"> + <a name="TN" id="TN"></a>Typographical errors corrected in text: + <span class="totoc"><a href="#ToC">ToC</a></span> +</p> + + +<p><br /> +p. 5 "withuot" corrected to "without"<br /> +p. 13 double word "heard" corrected<br /> +p. 21 "there" corrected to "their"<br /> +p. 22 closing quotation mark added to block quotation<br /> +p. 27 "sermom" corrected to "sermon"<br /> +p. 43 "fluctating" corrected to "fluctuating"<br /> +p. 49 "unmindul" corrected to "unmindful"<br /> +p. 50 missing comma supplied after "one who is neither"<br /> +p. 50 "similiar" corrected to "similar"<br /> +p. 50 "supenderless" corrected to "suspenderless"<br /> +p. 53 quotation mark supplied after "superficial observer."<br /> +p. 56 "four and-twenty" corrected to "four-and-twenty"<br /> +p. 61 "repectability" corrected to "respectability"<br /> +p. 62 "uneviable" corrected to "unenviable"<br /> +p. 70 "digusting" corrected to "disgusting"<br /> +p. 73 "you" corrected to "your"<br /> +p. 76 "alllowed" corrected to "allowed"<br /> +p. 76 "canibals" corrected to "cannibals"<br /> +p. 77 "you knife" corrected to "your knife"<br /> +p. 83 superfluous comma removed in "very, large"<br /> +p. 84 missing "a" supplied in "find good carver"<br /> +p. 108 period supplied after "each other at a party"<br /> +p. 115 "entranc" corrected to "entrance"<br /> +p. 115 final period supplied in footnote<br /> +p. 125 final period supplied after "been afforded them"<br /> +p. 146 "judicioulsy" corrected to "judiciously"<br /> +p. 148 "unless he intimate" corrected to "unless he intimates"<br /> +p. 148 "intercourse it desired" corrected to "intercourse is desired"<br /> +p. 149 double word "to" corrected<br /> +p. 151 "departmemt" corrected to "department"<br /> +p. 151 "husbands should" at start of sentence capitalized<br /> +p. 158 "digusting" corrected to "disgusting"<br /> +p. 159 "thought it is" corrected to "though it is"<br /> +p. 161 double word "call" corrected</p> + +<p><span class="totoc"><a href="#ToC">ToC</a></span> +Inconsistent spellings and other anomalies are left as in the original.</p> + + +</div> + +</div> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Martine's Hand-book of Etiquette, and +Guide to True Politeness, by Arthur Martine + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MARTINE'S HAND-BOOK OF ETIQUETTE *** + +***** This file should be named 36048-h.htm or 36048-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/6/0/4/36048/ + +Produced by Julia Miller, Matthew Wheaton and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Martine's Hand-book of Etiquette, and Guide to True Politeness + +Author: Arthur Martine + +Release Date: May 6, 2011 [EBook #36048] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MARTINE'S HAND-BOOK OF ETIQUETTE *** + + + + +Produced by Julia Miller, Matthew Wheaton and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + + + + + + + + + MARTINE'S + + HAND-BOOK OF ETIQUETTE, + + AND + + GUIDE TO TRUE POLITENESS. + + + A COMPLETE MANUAL FOR THOSE WHO DESIRE TO UNDERSTAND THE RULES OF GOOD + BREEDING, THE CUSTOMS OF GOOD SOCIETY, AND TO AVOID INCORRECT AND + VULGAR HABITS, + + + CONTAINING + + _Clear and Comprehensive Directions for Correct Manners, Dress, and + Conversation_; + + _Instructions for Good Behavior at Dinner Parties, and the Table, with + Hints on the Art of Carving and Taking Wine at Table_; + + _Together with the Etiquette of the Ball and Assembly Room, Evening + Parties_; + + _Deportment in the Street and when Travelling_; + + _And the Usages to be Observed when Visiting or Receiving Calls_. + + + TO WHICH IS ADDED + + THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE, DOMESTIC DUTIES, AND FIFTY-SIX + RULES TO BE OBSERVED IN GENERAL SOCIETY. + + BY ARTHUR MARTINE. + + NEW YORK: + DICK & FITZGERALD, PUBLISHERS. + + + Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1866, by + + DICK & FITZGERALD, + + In the Clerk's office of the District Court of the United States for + the Southern District of New York. + + + + + CONTENTS. + + + General Observations 5 + + The Art of Conversation 8 + + General Rules for Conversation 24 + + On Dress 48 + + Introductions 57 + + Letters of Introduction 61 + + Dinner Parties 63 + + Habits at Table 67 + + Wine at Table 74 + + Carving 82 + + Etiquette of the Ball and Assembly Room 93 + + Evening Parties 104 + + Visiting 113 + + Street Etiquette 127 + + Traveling 133 + + Marriage 136 + + Domestic Etiquette and Duties 144 + + On General Society 154 + + + + +GENERAL OBSERVATIONS. + + +Politeness has been defined as an "artificial good-nature;" but it would +be better said that _good-nature is natural politeness_. It inspires us +with an unremitting attention, both to please others and to avoid giving +them offence. Its code is a ceremonial, agreed upon and established +among mankind, to give each other external testimonies of friendship or +respect. _Politeness_ and _etiquette_ form a sort of supplement to the +law, which enables society to protect itself against offences which the +_law_ cannot touch. For instance, the law cannot punish a man for +habitually staring at people in an insolent and annoying manner, but +_etiquette_ can banish such an offender from the circles of good +society, and fix upon him the brand of vulgarity. _Etiquette_ consists +in certain forms, ceremonies, and rules which the _principle of +politeness_ establishes and enforces for the regulation of the manners +of men and women in their intercourse with each other. + +Many unthinking persons consider the observance of etiquette to be +nonsensical and unfriendly, as consisting of unmeaning forms, practiced +only by the _silly_ and the idle; an opinion which arises from their not +having reflected on the _reasons_ that have led to the establishment of +certain rules indispensable to the well-being of society, and without +which, indeed, it would inevitably fall to pieces, and be destroyed. + +The true aim of politeness, is to make those with whom you associate as +well satisfied with themselves as possible. It does not, by any means, +encourage an impudent self-importance in them, but it does whatever it +can to accommodate their feelings and wishes in social intercourse. +Politeness is a sort of social benevolence, which avoids wounding the +pride, or shocking the prejudices of those around you. + +The principle of politeness is the same among all nations, but the +ceremonials which etiquette imposes differ according to the taste and +habits of various countries. For instance, many of the minor rules of +etiquette at Paris differ from those at London; and at New York they may +differ from both Paris and London. But still the polite of every country +have about the same manners. + +Of the manners and deportment of both ladies and gentlemen, we would +remark that a proper consideration for the welfare and comfort of others +will generally lead to a greater propriety of demeanor than any rules +which the most rigid master of etiquette could supply. This feeling, +however, is one that must be cultivated, for the promptings of nature +are eminently selfish, and courtesy and good-breeding are only +attainable by effort and discipline. But even courtesy has limits where +dignity should govern it, for when carried to excess, particularly in +manner, it borders on sycophancy, which is almost as despicable as +rudeness. To overburden people with attention; to render them +uncomfortable with a prodigality of proffered services; to insist upon +obligations which they do not desire, is not only to render yourself +disagreeable, but contemptible. This defect of manners is particularly +prevalent in the rural districts, where the intense effort to render a +visitor comfortable has exactly the contrary effect; besides, there are +those whose want of refinement and good breeding often leads them to an +unwarrantable familiarity, which requires coldness and indifference to +subdue. + +Much misconstruction and unpleasant feeling arises, especially in +country towns, from not knowing what is "_expected_," or necessary to be +done on certain occasions, resulting sometimes from the prevalence of +local customs, with which the world in general are not supposed to be +acquainted. "To do in Rome as the Romans do," applies to every kind of +society. At the same time, you can never be expected to commit a serious +breach of manners because your neighbors do so. + +But what you should do, and what not, in particular cases, you will +learn in the following chapters. I have only now to say, that if you +wish to be agreeable, which is certainly a good and religious desire, +you must both study how to be so, and take the trouble to put your +studies into constant practice. The fruit you will soon reap. You will +be generally liked and loved. The gratitude of those to whom you have +devoted yourself will be shown in speaking well of you; you will become +a desirable addition to every party, and whatever your birth, fortune, +or position, people will say of you, "He is a most agreeable and +well-bred man," and be glad to introduce you to good society. But you +will reap a yet better reward. You will have in yourself the +satisfaction of having taken trouble and made sacrifices in order to +give pleasure and happiness for the time to others. How do you know what +grief or care you may not obliterate, what humiliation you may not alter +to confidence, what anxiety you may not soften, what--last, but really +not least--what intense dullness you may not enliven? If this work +assist you in becoming an agreeable member of good society, I shall +rejoice at the labor it has given me. + + + + +THE ART OF CONVERSATION. + + +As the object of conversation is pleasure and improvement, those +subjects only which are of universal interest can be made legitimate +topics of pleasantry or discussion. And it is the gift of expressing +thoughts and fancies in a quick, brilliant, and graceful manner on such +topics,--of striking out new ideas, eliciting the views and opinions of +others, of attaching the interest of all to the subject discussed, +giving it, however trifling in itself, weight and importance in the +estimation of the hearers, that constitutes the great talent for +conversation. But this talent can never, we may safely aver, be +displayed except in a good cause, and when conversation is carried on in +a spirit of genuine charity and benevolence. + +We should meet in society to please and be pleased, and not to display +cold and stately dignity, which is as much out of place, as all attempts +to shine by a skillful adherence to the fantastic rules of the +silver-fork school, are puerile and ludicrous. Such little things are +great to little persons, who are proud of having acquired by rote, what +the naturally elegant derive, in sufficient measure, from naturally just +feeling. + +The power of preserving silence is the very first requisite to all who +wish to shine, or even please in discourse; and those who cannot +preserve it, have really no business to speak. Of course, I do not mean +the dull, ignorant, sulky, or supercilious silence, of which we see +enough in all conscience; but the graceful, winning and eloquent +silence. The silence that, without any deferential air, listens with +polite attention, is more flattering than compliments, and more +frequently broken for the purpose of encouraging others to speak, than +to display the listener's own powers. This is the really eloquent +silence. It requires great genius--more perhaps than speaking--and few +are gifted with the talent; but it is of such essential advantage, that +I must recommend its study to all who are desirous to take a share in +conversation, and beg they will learn to be silent, before they attempt +to speak. + +Notwithstanding the praise here bestowed on silence, it must still be +explained that there are various modes of being silently rude. There is +the rude silence of disdain--of not hearing, of not even deeming your +words deserving attention or reply. These are minor and mere passive +modes of impertinence; the direct and active sort of silent rudeness is +to listen with a fixed and attentive stare on the speaker, and without +any necessity of raising the eyebrows--for that might be +precarious--show your utter amazement, that any one should think of thus +addressing a person of your rank, wealth, genius, or greatness. There +are of course various styles and degrees in all these modes of +impertinence, but they all originate in the same cause: ignorance of the +real facility of being rude, and a wish to acquire distinction by the +practice. It is idle to assert that every one can be rude if he likes; +for, if such were the fact, we should not see hosts of persons belonging +to what is termed good society, seeking fame and renown by various +shades and degrees of mere impertinence. + +Never give short or sharp answers in ordinary conversation, unless you +aspire to gain distinction by mere rudeness; for they have in fact no +merit, and are only uncivil. "I do not know," "I cannot tell," are the +most harmless words possible, and may yet be rendered very offensive by +the tone and manner in which they are pronounced. Never reply, in answer +to a question like the following, "Did Mrs. Spitewell tell you how Miss +Rosebud's marriage was getting on?" "I did not ask." It is almost like +saying, I never ask impertinent questions, though you do; we learn +plenty of things in the world without having first inquired about them. +If you must say, you did not ask, say, that "you forgot to ask," +"neglected it," or "did not think of it." We can always be ordinarily +civil, even if we cannot always be absolutely wise. + +Except in mere sport and raillery, and where a little _extravaganza_ is +the order of the moment, always when you answer, or speak in reply to an +observation made, speak to the true and just import of what is said. +Leave quibbling of every kind to lawyers pleading at the bar for the +life of a culprit; in society and conversation it is invariably out of +place, unless when Laughter is going his merry round. At all other times +it is a proof of bad breeding. + +You must not overstretch a proposition, neither must you overstretch or +spin out a jest, that has done its duty; for few can be made to rebound +after they have once come to the ground. + +Another mode of being rude, is to collect, and have at command, all the +set phrases used by uncivil persons, in order to say what they fancy +very sharp and severe things. Such a collector, jealous perhaps of the +attention with which a pleasant guest is listened to, may break in upon +the most harmless discourse with the words, "I think you _lie_ under a +mistake." The term may in itself be harmless, but its application is at +all times rude, coarse and decidedly vulgar. + +La Bruyere tells us that "rudeness is not a fixed and inherent vice of +the mind, but the result of other vices; it springs," he says, "from +vanity, ignorance, laziness, stupidity, jealousy, and inattention. It is +the more hateful from being constantly displayed in exterior deportment +and from being thus always visible and manifest; and is offensive in +character and degree according to the source from which it takes its +rise." + +We next come to the loud talker, the man who silences a whole party by +his sole power of lungs. All subjects are alike to him; he speaks on +every topic with equal fluency, is never at a loss, quotes high +authority for every assertion, and allows no one else to utter a word; +he silences, without the least ceremony, every attempt at interruption, +however cleverly managed;--calls out, "I beg your pardon," in a tone +that shows how ill-used he thinks himself,--or shuts your mouth +with--"One minute, if you please, sir!" as much as to say, you are +surely a very ill-bred fellow. Great, and especially loud and positive +talkers, have been denounced by all writers on manners as shallow and +superficial persons. And P. Andre, the author of a French Essay on the +Beautiful, declares distinctly, that "no man of sense was ever a great +talker." + +Next to the talker, we have the man who gives an account of his dogs, +horses, lands, books, and pictures. Whatever is his, must, he thinks, +interest others; and listen they must, however resolutely they may +attempt to change the current of his discourse. + +Women of this class are sometimes too fond of praising their children. +It is no doubt an amiable weakness; but I would still advise them to +indulge as little as possible in the practice; for however dear the +rosy-cheeked, curly-headed prattlers may be to them, the chances are, +that others will vote the darlings to be great bores; you that have +children, never speak of them in company. You must not even praise your +near relations; for the subject deprives the hearer of all power to +dissent, and is therefore clearly objectionable. + +In the same line is the clever bore, who takes up every idle speech, to +show his wisdom at a cheap rate. If you say, "Hang the weather!" before +such a man, he immediately proves, by logical demonstrations, that the +weather has no neck by which it can be suspended. The grave expounder of +truisms belongs to this class. He cannot allow the simplest conversation +to go on, without entering into proofs and details familiar to every +child nine years of age; and the tenor of his discourse, however +courteous in terms and manner, pays you the very indifferent compliment, +of supposing that you have fallen from some other planet, in total and +absolute ignorance of the most ordinary and every-day things connected +with this little world of ours. All foreigners are particularly great at +this style of boring. + +Then you have the indifferent and apathetic bore, who hardly condescends +to pay the least attention to what you say; and who, if he refrains from +the direct and absolute rudeness of yawning in your face, shows, by +short and drawling answers, given at fits and starts, and completely at +variance with the object of the conversation, that he affects at least a +total indifference to the party present, and to the subject of +discourse. In society, the absent man is uncivil; he who affects to be +so, is rude and vulgar. All persons who speak of their ailings, +diseases, or bodily infirmities, are offensive bores. Subjects of this +sort should be addressed to doctors, who are paid for listening to them, +and to no one else. Bad taste is the failing of these bores. Then we +have the ladies and gentlemen who pay long visits, and who, meeting you +at the door prepared to sally forth, keep you talking near the fire till +the beauty of the day is passed; and then take their leave, "hoping they +have not detained you." Bad feeling or want of tact here predominates. + +"Hobby-riders," who constantly speak on the same eternal subject,--who +bore you at all times and at all hours,--whether you are in health or in +sickness, in spirits or in sorrow, with the same endless topic, must not +be overlooked in our list; though it is sufficient to denounce them. +Their failing is occasioned by a total want of judgment. + +The _Malaprops_ are also a numerous and unhappy family, for they are +constantly addressing the most unsuitable speeches to individuals or +parties. To the blind they will speak of fine pictures and scenery; and +will entertain a person in deep mourning with the anticipated pleasures +of to-morrow's ball. A total want of ordinary thought and observation, +is the general cause of the _Malaprop_ failing. + +Let us add to this very imperfect list the picture of a bore described +by Swift. "Nothing," he says, "is more generally exploded than the folly +of talking too much; yet I rarely remember to have seen five people +together, where some one among them hath not been predominant in that +kind, to the great constraint and disgust of all the rest. But among +such as deal in multitudes of words, none are comparable to the sober, +deliberate talker, who proceedeth with much thought and caution, maketh +his preface, brancheth out into several digressions, findeth a hint that +putteth him in mind of another story, which he promises to tell you when +this is done, cometh back regularly to his subject, cannot readily call +to mind some person's name, holdeth his head, complaineth of his memory; +the whole company all this while in suspense; at last says, it is no +matter, and so goes on. And to crown the business, it perhaps proveth at +last a story the company has heard fifty times before, or at best some +insipid adventure of the relater." + +To this we may add, that your cool, steady talkers, who speak with the +care and attention of professors demonstrating mathematical +problems,--who weigh, measure and balance every word they utter,--are +all decided objectionables in society. It is needless to say, that such +persons never blunder, and never "stumble over a potato;" a matter of +little recommendation. In conversation there must be, as in love and in +war, some hazarding, some rattling on; nor need twenty falls affect +you, so long as you take cheerfulness and good humor for your guides; +but the careful and measured conversation just described is always, +though perfectly correct, extremely dull and tedious--a vast blunder +from first to last. + +There are also many persons who commence speaking before they know what +they are going to say. The ill-natured world, who never miss an +opportunity of being severe, declare them to be foolish and destitute of +brains. I shall not go so far; but hardly know what we should think of a +sportsman who would attempt to bring down a bird before he had loaded +his gun. + +I have purposely reserved the egotistical bore for the last on this +short and imperfect list. It is truly revolting, indeed, to approach the +very _Boa-constrictor_ of good society; the snake who comes upon us, not +in the natural form of a huge, coarse, slow reptile, but Proteus-like, +in a thousand different forms; though all displaying at the first sight +the boa-bore, ready to slime over every subject of discourse with the +vile saliva of selfish vanity. Pah! it is repulsive even to speak of the +species, numerous, too, as the sands along the shore. + +Some of the class make no ceremony of immediately intruding themselves +and their affairs on the attention of a whole party; of silencing every +other subject started, however interesting to the company, merely that +they may occupy the prominent and most conspicuous position. Others +again are more dexterous, and with great art will lie on the watch to +hook in their own praise. They will call a witness to remember they +always foretold what would happen in such a case, but none would believe +them; they advised such a man from the beginning, and told him the +consequences just as they happened; but he would have his own way. +Others make a vanity of telling their own faults; they are the strangest +men in the world; they cannot dissemble; they own it is a folly; they +have lost abundance of advantages by it; but if you would give them the +world, they cannot help it; there is something in their nature that +abhors insincerity and constraint, with many other insufferable topics +of the same altitude. Thus, though bores find their account in speaking +ill or well of themselves, it is the characteristic of a gentleman that +he never speaks of himself at all. + +La Bruyere says, "The great charm of conversation consists less in the +display of one's own wit and intelligence, than in the power to draw +forth the resources of others; he who leaves you after a long +conversation, pleased with himself and the part _he_ has taken in the +discourse, will be your warmest admirer. Men do not care to admire you, +they wish you to be pleased with them; they do not seek for instruction +or even amusement from your discourse, but they do wish you to be made +acquainted with their talents and powers of conversation; and the true +man of genius will delicately make all who come in contact with him feel +the exquisite satisfaction of knowing that they have appeared to +advantage." + +I have no desire to condemn my readers to eternal silence; but must +inform them that it is not so easy to _shine_ in conversation as many +suppose. Fluency of tongue and a little modest assurance, though very +well for imposing on the unwary, go but a short way when you have to +deal with those who are really worth pleasing. + +How can a person _shine_ by conversation in elegant and educated +society, whose thoughts have never ranged beyond the gratification of +foolish vanity and mean selfishness; who has never reflected on life, +men and manners; whose mind has not turned to the contemplation of the +works and wonders of nature; and who, in the events of his own time, has +not seen the results of the many deeds of sorrow, shame, greatness, and +glory, that crowd the pages of the world's variegated annals? Whoever +would _shine_ in polite discourse must at least be well versed in the +philosophy of life, and possess a fair acquaintance with general and +natural history, and the outlines of science. And though he need be +neither a poet nor an artist, he must be well read in poetry and +acquainted with fine arts; because it is only by their study that taste +can be cultivated and fancy guided. A familiarity with the fine arts is +necessary, in fact, to give him a just perception of the sublime and +beautiful, the very foundation whence our emotions of delight must +arise. Any one attempting to _shine_ in conversation, without possessing +the trifling acquirements here mentioned,--for I have said nothing of +learning and science,--will most assuredly make an indifferent figure, +and had better therefore content himself with simply pleasing by +unaffected cheerfulness and good humor, which is within reach of all. + +As to subjects for conversation, what difficulty can there be about +them? Will not books, balls, bonnets and metaphysics furnish pleasant +topics of discourse? Can you not speak of the + + "Philosophy and science, and the springs + Of wonder, and the wisdom of the world?"-- + +Are flirtations, traveling, love and speech-making at an end; or is the +great globe itself and the weather on its surface so perfectly +stationary that you can find nothing to say about them? No, no, let us +not deceive ourselves; we never want subjects of conversation; but we +often want the knowledge how to treat them; above all, how to bring them +forward in a graceful and pleasing manner. We often want observation and +a just estimate of character, and do not know how, in the present +defective state of society, any passing remark intended to open a +conversation may be received. + +Cheerfulness, unaffected cheerfulness, a sincere desire to please and be +pleased, unchecked by any efforts to shine, are the qualities you must +bring with you into society, if you wish to succeed in conversation. +Under the influence of their recommendation, you may safely give the +rein to fancy and hilarity, certain that, in a well-assorted party, you +will make at least a favorable impression, if not a brilliant one. I do +not of course mean by cheerfulness any outbreaking of loud and silly +mirth, nor what the world sometimes calls a "high flow of spirits," but +a light and airy equanimity of temper,--that spirit which never rises to +boisterousness, and never sinks to immovable dullness; that moves +gracefully from "grave to gay, from serious to serene," and by mere +manner gives proof of a feeling heart and generous mind. + +Franklin says, that you must never contradict in conversation, nor +correct facts if wrongly stated. This is going much too far; you must +never contradict in a short, direct, or positive tone; but with +politeness, you may easily, when necessary, express a difference of +opinion in a graceful and even complimentary manner. And I would almost +say, that the art of conversation consists in knowing _how_ to +contradict, and _when_ to be silent; for, as to constantly acting a +fawning and meanly deferential part in society, it is offensive to all +persons of good sense and good feeling. In regard to facts wrongly +stated, no well-bred man ever thinks of correcting them, merely to show +his wisdom in trifles; but with politeness, it is perfectly easy to +rectify an error, when the nature of the conversation demands the +explanation. + +Whenever the lady or gentleman with whom you are discussing a point, +whether of love, war, science or politics, begins to sophisticate, drop +the subject instantly. Your adversary either wants the ability to +maintain his opinion,--and then it would be uncivil to press it--or he +wants the still more useful ability to yield the point with unaffected +grace and good-humor; or what is also possible, his vanity is in some +way engaged in defending views on which he may probably have acted, so +that to demolish his opinions is perhaps to reprove his conduct, and no +well-bred man goes into society for the purpose of sermonizing. + +All local wits, all those whose jests are understood only within the +range of their own circle or coterie, are decided objectionables in +general society. It is the height of ill-breeding, in fact, to converse, +or jest, on subjects that are not perfectly understood by the party at +large; it is a species of rude mystification, as uncivil as whispering, +or as speaking in language that may not be familiar to some of the +party. But you must not make a fool of yourself, even if others show +themselves deficient in good manners; and must not, like inflated +simpletons, fancy yourself the object of every idle jest you do not +understand, or of every laugh that chance may have called forth. _Ladies +and gentlemen_ feel that they are neither laughed at nor ridiculed. + +In society, the object of conversation is of course entertainment and +improvement, and it must, therefore, be adapted to the circle in which +it is carried on, and must be neither too high nor too deep for the +party at large, so that every one may contribute his share, just at his +pleasure, and to the best of his ability. Let no two or three old +Indians, old school-fellows, or old brother campaigners, seize upon the +conversation to themselves, discuss their former adventures, and keep +the rest of a party listening silently to an animated conversation about +exploded stories, of which they know nothing and care as little. + +Lord Chesterfield advises his son "to speak often, but not to speak much +at a time; so that if he does not please, he will not at least displease +to any great extent." A good observer should easily, I think, be able to +discover whether he pleases or not. + +Rousseau tells us, that "persons who know little talk a great deal, +while those who know a great deal say very little." + +If the discourse is of a grave or serious nature, and interesting to +the party, or to any number of the party, never break in upon it with +any display of idle wit or levity; for nothing shows so great a want of +good manners; nor must you ever ridicule or doubt the existence of any +noble enthusiasm that may have called forth expressions of admiration; +for there is no want of high worth, patriotism, honor and +disinterestedness on earth. Your incredulity might therefore be unjust, +and it is at all times a proof of bad taste to ridicule what others +admire. + +If you join in the graver conversation, intended to move the deeper +feelings of the heart, do so without affectation, without overstretching +sentiments, or bringing in far-fetched ideas for the sake of producing +effect, otherwise you will be sure to fail. Avoid, above all, when on +such topics, any stringing together of unmeaning words; for bad as the +practice of substituting sound for sense is at all times, it is doubly +so when conversation takes the direction of which we are speaking, as it +then shows the _jingler_ to want feelings as well as ideas. Speak from +the heart, when you speak _to_ the heart; only making judgment prune the +expressions of deep feeling, without checking the noble sentiments that +may have called them forth. + +The reason which renders this pruning system advisable is, that society +swarms with worthy, respectable persons, possessing an ordinary share of +superficial good-nature, but so destitute of actual feeling, as not even +to understand its language; and who, without being scoffers, will be +inclined to laugh at expressions that convey no ideas to their minds. + +The same reason should serve as a warning to all gentlemen against +writing love-letters; for if a gentle swain is really and truly in love, +he will write under excited feelings; and a letter written with a +palpitating heart, threatening to break a rib at every throb, can hardly +fail to appear a little ridiculous in the eyes of all who may not chance +to be exactly in the same frame of mind, or possessed of the same degree +of feeling with the writer. + +There is a giggling and laughing tone, in which ladies and gentlemen +sometimes endeavor to speak,--an attempt to continue a series of jests +from the first to last, which is not only foolish, but actually +offensive. Conversation can never be kept up to the laughing point +during a whole evening,--not even during a morning visit; and efforts to +excite laughter by overstrained jests are as repulsive as overstrained +efforts to groan and grimace it. The natural flow of discourse must be +calm and serene; if wit, whim, fun and fire are present, they will not +fail to flash brightly along its surface; but they can never constitute +the main body of the stream itself. + +Different parties, different tones no doubt, and an assembly of grave +doctors and professors, meeting to discuss some learned subject, may +treat it in their own way; here we can only speak of general society. It +is said, that the guests at a pleasant dinner party should never exceed +the number of the Muses, nor fall below that of the Graces. And this may +be true; but a party of three or four is already very different in +character,--independent of the difference occasioned by the characters +of the guests,--from what a party of eight or nine will be. In small +parties of this kind, numbers alone exercise great influence. But large +or small, always recollect that you can have no right to complain of the +dullness of the conversation, unless you have contributed your best +efforts to render it cheerful. + +Nor is it always right to condemn a person for being silent in company, +as this often results from the nature of the party, which may be +ill-assorted, though composed of deserving people. No one can maintain a +conversation by himself; the very best speaker must still be aided by +others, who must lend assistance in the _proper spirit_, _befitting_ the +nature of the discourse; for a rude and forward person, wishing to +shine, can easily crush the efforts of the most perfect gentleman, and +give an unfavorable tone and turn to a pleasant conversation. + +In ordinary conversation, the modulation and proper management of the +voice is a point to which I would particularly call the attention of +young ladies; for a fine and melodious voice, "sweet as music on the +waters," makes the heart-strings vibrate to their very core. This can +only be done by a certain degree of confidence, and by a total absence +of affectation; for uncertainty, agitation and striving for effect are +always ruinous to the voice of the speaker, which is constantly running +against breakers, or getting upon flats. I am certain that temper and +disposition are far more generally, and more perfectly marked by the +voice and manner of speaking, than we are at all willing to allow. + +The thin, small voice is the most difficult to manage, as it is liable +to degenerate into shrillness; and ladies who have this kind of voice +must keep strict guard over their temper, when within hearing of any one +on whom they may wish to make a favorable impression; for the very idea +of a shrill-voiced scold makes us place our hands to our ears. But with +a sweet temper, a pretty, little, harmonious voice is pleasing enough. +Always recollect, however, that affectation, constraint, or striving for +effect, is the certain ruin of the prettiest voice in the world. + +The very deep-toned voice, though extremely effective when well +controlled, has great difficulties; for unless backed by kind, cheerful +and airy feeling, by "that bright spirit which is always gladness," it +is liable to fall into a coarse, rude and vulgar tone, and should never +be heard except at times of brilliant sunshine. The owners of such +voices should never think of getting angry, nor even indulge in saying +what they may fancy sharp or severe things, as the chances are that +they will prove only rude ones. + +Stories, however good--and they are often to be recommended--suffer +under one of the disadvantages to which anecdotes are liable,--they do +not bear repetition; and no one can be expected to possess a stock that +shall furnish new and acceptable wares on every occasion. They form in +conversation the resource of those who want imagination, and must be +received with indulgence; but to deserve this favor, they must be short, +well told, well pointed, and judiciously adapted to the feelings and +composition of the party. We have all of us at times known a good story +or anecdote introduced under such inappropriate circumstances, as to +make a whole party look grave and feel uncomfortable. + +The honor of demolishing the weavers of long tales shall be left to +Cowper. + + "But sedentary weavers of long tales + Give me the fidgets, and my patience fails. + 'Tis the most asinine employ on earth, + To hear them tell of parentage and birth; + And echo conversations dull and dry, + Embellished with _he said_ and _so said I_. + At every interview their route the same, + The repetition makes attention lame; + We bristle up with unsuccessful speed, + And in the saddest part, cry--_Droll, indeed_." + +Let the reader only get these verses by heart, and repeat a line +occasionally to show that he recollects them, and we shall soon find +society relieved from these spinners of dull yarns. + +Some gentlemen have a talent for placing things in a grotesque, +exaggerated and ludicrous light; and of extemporizing burlesque +anecdotes in a whimsical and amusing manner. It is a happy gift, of +which excellent use can be made in society; but tact and taste must, as +usual, keep a firm rein, for nothing that is seriously treated by others +must ever be burlesqued and turned into ridicule. The grotesque style is +only applicable when the ground is fairly open, or when jesting, +bantering and exaggeration are the order of the minute; and then it may +be rendered charming. + +Let no one suppose that mimicry is to be sanctioned under this head; +far from it, indeed. A little graceful imitation of actors and public +speakers may be allowed. National manners, and the peculiarities of +entire classes, are fair game. French dandies, Yankee bargainers, and +English exquisites, may be ridiculed at pleasure; you may even bring +forward Irish porters, cab-drivers and bog-trotters,--_provided_ you can +imitate their wit and humor; but I do not think I ever saw any mimicry +of private individuals well received by well-bred persons. Nor is this +to be wondered at, since mimicry borders so closely on buffoonery, as +generally to end in absolute vulgarity. Ladies, however, may be +permitted to mimic their friends a little, provided they rarely indulge +in the practice, and never transgress the bounds of good taste and +elegance. + +We meet occasionally in society with persons belonging to a class, not +numerous indeed, but deserving notice, as they are mostly ladies, and +often worth reclaiming; for want of a better term I shall call them +_Icicles_, because they only shine and cannot warm. The _Icicles_ may be +kind, clever, of cultivated mind, and in every respect well disposed to +become agreeable,--but cannot speak or converse on any one subject. They +are constantly witty and ingenious, place every proposition or general +question asked, in some amusing, novel or extravagant light, but never +answer or speak up to the point; so that you may converse with them for +hours, and be acquainted with them for years, without knowing their +opinion upon any one subject; without knowing even whether they have an +opinion on any one subject. Nor does this always result from +affectation, or from efforts to shine; it springs as often from a faulty +tone, and the fear of not being sufficiently clever, when attempting to +be rational, as from any other source. I have seen persons lose a great +deal by this absurd system, and fall far short of what they might have +been had they merely followed the beaten track; and as a maxim would +have you recollect, that few good things are ever said by those who are +constantly striving to say extraordinary ones. + + + + +GENERAL RULES FOR CONVERSATION. + + +As order or method are of very little consequence in treating of this +subject, I will conclude by giving a series of rules upon the art of +conversation, couched in a few words, from which the reader may furnish +himself with a competent knowledge of what is to be studied, and what to +be avoided. There are few of the following sentences that will not +furnish a good deal of thought, or that are to be understood to their +full extent without some consideration. + +Whatever passes in parties at your own or another's house is never +repeated by well-bred people. Things of no moment, and which are meant +only as harmless jokes, are liable to produce unpleasant consequences if +repeated. To repeat, therefore, any conversation which passes on such +occasions, is understood to be a breach of confidence, which should +banish the offender from the pale of good society. + +Men of all sorts of occupations meet in society. As they go there to +unbend their minds and escape from the fetters of business, you should +never, in an evening, speak to a man about his profession. Do not talk +of politics to a journalist, of fevers to a physician, of stocks to a +broker,--nor, unless you wish to enrage him to the utmost, of education +to a collegian. The error which is here condemned is often committed +from mere good nature and a desire to be affable. But it betrays to a +gentleman, ignorance of the world,--to a philosopher, ignorance of human +nature. + +A gentleman will, by all means, avoid showing his learning and +accomplishments in the presence of ignorant and vulgar people, who can, +by no possibility, understand or appreciate them. It is a pretty sure +sign of bad breeding to set people to staring and feeling uncomfortable. + +In England, it is regarded a breach of etiquette to repeat the name of +any person with whom you are conversing. But the same rule does not hold +in America. Here it is deemed no breach, if you are conversing with a +lady by the name of Sherwood, to say, "Well, _Mrs. Sherwood_, do you not +think," etc. + +In a mixed company, never speak to your friend of a matter which the +rest do not understand, unless it is something which you can explain to +them, and which may be made interesting to the whole party. + +If you wish to inquire about anything, do not do it by asking a +question; but introduce the subject, and give the person an opportunity +of saying as much as he finds it agreeable to impart. Do not even say, +"How is your brother to-day?" but "I hope your brother is quite well." + +Never ask a lady a question about anything whatever. + +By all means, avoid the use of slang terms and phrases in polite +company. No greater insult can be offered to polite society than to +repeat the slang dictums of bar-rooms and other low places. If you are +willing to have it known that you are familiar with such company +yourself, you have no right to treat a party of ladies and gentlemen as +though they were, too. + +Avoid the habit of employing French words in English conversation; it is +extremely bad taste to be always using such expressions as _ci-devant_, +_soi-disant_, _en masse_, _couleur de rose_, etc. Do not salute your +acquaintances with _bon jour_, nor reply to every proposition, +_volontiers_. In society, avoid having those peculiar preferences for +some subjects which are vulgarly denominated "_hobby-horses_." They make +your company a _bore_ to all your friends; and some kind-hearted +creature will take advantage of them and _trot_ you, for the amusement +of the company. Every attempt to obtrude on a company subjects either to +which they are indifferent, or of which they are ignorant, is in bad +taste. + + "Man should be taught as though you taught him not, + And things unknown proposed as things forgot." + +A man is quite sure to show his good or bad breeding the instant he +opens his mouth to talk in company. If he is _a gentleman_ he starts no +subject of conversation that can possibly be displeasing to any person +present. The ground is common to all, and no one has a right to +monopolize any part of it for his own particular opinions, in politics +or religion. No one is there to make proselytes, but every one has been +invited, to be _agreeable_ and _to please_. + +He who knows the world, will not be too bashful. He who knows himself, +will not be impudent. + +Do not endeavor to shine in all companies. Leave room for your hearers +to imagine something within you beyond all you have said. And remember, +the more you are praised, the more you will be envied. + +There is no surer sign of vulgarity than the perpetual boasting of the +fine things you have at home. If you speak of your silver, of your +jewels, of your costly apparel, it will be taken for a sign that you are +either lying, or that you were, not long ago, somebody's washerwoman, +and cannot forget to be reminding everybody that you are not so now. + +You need not tell all the truth, unless to those who have a right to +know it all. But let all you tell be truth. + +Insult not another for his want of a talent you possess; he may have +others, which you want. Praise your friends and let your friends praise +you. + +If you treat your inferiors with familiarity, expect the same from them. +If you give a jest, take one. Let all your jokes be truly jokes. Jesting +sometimes ends in sad earnest. + +If a favor is asked of you, grant it, if you can. If not, refuse it in +such a manner, as that one denial may be sufficient. + +If you are in company with a distinguished gentleman--as a governor, or +senator--you will not be perpetually trying to trot out his titles, as +it would make you appear like a lackey or parasite, who, conscious of no +merits of your own, are trying to lift yourself by the company of +others. In introducing such a gentleman, you will merely call him +"governor," or "senator," and afterwards avoid all allusion to his rank. + +If you would render yourself pleasing in social parties, never speak to +gratify any particular vanity or passion of your own, but always aim to +interest or amuse others by themes which you know are in accordance with +their tastes and understandings. Even a well-bred minister will avoid +introducing his professional habits and themes at such places. He knows +that the guests were not invited there to listen to a sermon, and there +may be some who differ with him in opinions, who would have good reason +to feel themselves insulted by being thus forced to listen to him. + +Reproof is a medicine like mercury or opium; if it be improperly +administered, with report either to the adviser or the advised, it will +do harm instead of good. + +Nothing is more unmannerly than to reflect on any man's profession, +sect, or natural infirmity. He who stirs up against himself another's +self-love, provokes the strongest passions in human nature. + +Be careful of your word, even in keeping the most trifling appointment. +But do not blame another for a failure of that kind, till you have heard +his excuse. + +Never offer advice, but where there is some probability of its being +followed. + +If you find yourself in a company which violently abuses an absent +friend of yours, you need not feel that you are called upon to take up +the club for him. You will do better by saying mildly that they must +have been misinformed--that you are proud to call him your friend, which +you could not do if you did not know him to be incapable of such things +as they had heard. After this, if they are gentlemen, they will +stop--indeed, if they had been gentlemen, they would hardly have +assailed an absent one in a mixed party; and if you feel constrained to +quit their company, it will be no sacrifice to your own self-respect or +honor. + +Fools pretend to foretell what will be the issue of things, and are +laughed at for their awkward conjectures. Wise men, being aware of the +uncertainty of human affairs, and having observed how small a matter +often produces a great change, are modest in their conjectures. + +He who talks too fast, outruns his hearer's thoughts. He who speaks too +slow, gives his hearer pain by hindering his thoughts, as a rider who +frets his horse by reining him in too much. + +Never think to entertain people with what lies out of their way, be it +ever so curious in its kind. Who would think of regaling a circle of +ladies with the beauties of Homer's Greek, or a mixed company with Sir +Isaac Newton's discoveries? + +Do well, but do not boast of it. For that will lessen the commendation +you might otherwise have deserved. + +Never ask a question under any circumstances. In the first place, it is +too proud; in the second place, it may be very inconvenient or very +awkward to give a reply. A lady inquired of what branch of medical +practice a certain gentleman was professor. He held the chair of +_midwifery_! + +To offer advice to an angry man, is like blowing against a tempest. + +Too much preciseness and solemnity in pronouncing what one says in +common conversation, as if one was preaching, is generally taken for an +indication of self-conceit and arrogance. + +Make your company a rarity, and people will value it. Men despise what +they can easily have. + +Value truth, however you come by it. Who would not pick up a jewel that +lay on a dung-hill? + +The beauty of behavior consists in the manner, not the matter of your +discourse. + +It is not in good taste for a lady to say "Yes, sir," and "No, sir," to +a gentleman, or frequently to introduce the word "Sir," at the end of +her sentence, unless she desire to be exceedingly reserved toward the +person with whom she is conversing. + +If your superior treats you with familiarity, it will not therefore +become you to treat him in the same manner. + +A good way to avoid impertinent and pumping inquiries, is by answering +with another question. An evasion may also serve the purpose. But a lie +is inexcusable on any occasion, especially when used to conceal the +truth from one who has no authority to demand it. + +To reprove with success, the following circumstances are necessary, +viz.: mildness, secrecy, intimacy, and the esteem of the person you +would reprove. + +If you be nettled with severe raillery, take care never to show that you +are stung, unless you choose to provoke more. The way to avoid being +made a butt, is not to set up for an archer. + +To set up for a critic is bullying mankind. + +Reflect upon the different appearances things make to you from what they +did some years ago, and don't imagine that your opinion will never +alter, because you are extremely positive at present. Let the +remembrance of your past changes of sentiment make you more flexible. + +If ever you were in a passion, did you not find reason afterwards to be +sorry for it, and will you again allow your self to be guilty of a +weakness, which will certainly be in the same manner followed by +repentance, besides being attended with pain? + +Never argue with any but men of sense and temper. + +It is ill-manners to trouble people with talking too much either of +yourself, or your affairs. If you are full of yourself, consider that +you, and your affairs, are not so interesting to other people as to you. + +Keep silence sometimes, upon subjects which you are known to be a judge +of. So your silence, where you are ignorant, will not discover you. + +To use phrases which admit of a double meaning is ungentlemanly, and, if +addressed to a lady, they become positively insulting. + +There is a vulgar custom, too prevalent, of calling almost everybody +"colonel" in this country, of which it is sufficient to say, that this +false use of titles prevails most among the lower ranks of society--a +fact which sufficiently stamps upon it its real character, and renders +it, to say the least, a doubtful compliment to him who has no right to +the title. + +Think like the wise; but talk like ordinary people. Never go out of the +common road, but for somewhat. + +Don't dispute against facts well established, merely because there is +somewhat unaccountable in them. That the world should be created of +nothing is to us inconceivable but not therefore to be doubted. + +As you are going to a party of mirth, think of the hazard you run of +misbehaving. While you are engaged, do not wholly forget yourself. And +after all is over, reflect how you have behaved. If well, be thankful; +it is more than you could have promised. If otherwise, be more careful +for the future. + +It will never do to be ignorant of the names and approximate ages of +great composers, especially in large cities, where music is so highly +appreciated and so common a theme. It will be decidedly condemnatory if +you talk of the _new_ opera "Don Giovanni," or Rossini's "Trovatore," +or are ignorant who composed "Fidelio," and in what opera occur such +common pieces as "_Ciascun lo dice_," or "_Il Segreto_." I do not say +that these trifles are indispensable, and when a man has better +knowledge to offer, especially with genius or "cleverness" to back it, +he will not only be pardoned for an ignorance of them, but can even take +a high tone, and profess indifference or contempt of them. But, at the +same time, such ignorance stamps an ordinary man, and hinders +conversation. + +Don't talk of "the opera" in the presence of those who are not +frequenters of it. They will imagine that you are showing off, or that +you are _lying_, and that you have never been to the opera twice in your +life. For the same reason, avoid too frequently speaking of your +acquaintance with celebrated men, unless you are a public man yourself, +who would be supposed to have such acquaintance. + +Do not sit dumb in company. That looks either like pride, cunning, or +stupidity. Give your opinion modestly, but freely; hear that of others +with candor; and ever endeavor to find out, and to communicate truth. + +In mixed company, be readier to hear than to speak, and put people upon +talking of what is in their own way. For then you will both oblige them, +and be most likely to improve by their conversation. + +Humanity will direct to be particularly cautious of treating with the +least appearance of neglect those who have lately met with misfortunes, +and are sunk in life. Such persons are apt to think themselves slighted, +when no such thing is intended. Their minds being already sore, feel the +least rub very severely. And who would be so cruel as to add affliction +to the afflicted? + +To smother the generosity of those who have obliged you, is imprudent, +as well as ungrateful. The mention of kindnesses received may excite +those who hear it to deserve your good word, by imitating the example +which they see does others so much honor. + +Learning is like bank-notes. Prudence and good behavior are like silver, +useful upon all occasions. + +If you have been once in company with an idle person, it is enough. You +need never go again. You have heard all he knows. And he has had no +opportunity of learning anything new. For idle people make no +improvements. + +Deep learning will make you acceptable to the learned; but it is only an +easy and obliging behavior, and entertaining conversation, that will +make you agreeable in all companies. + +Men repent speaking ten times for once that they repent keeping silence. + +It is an advantage to have concealed one's opinion. For by that means +you may change your judgment of things (which every wise man finds +reason to do) and not be accused of fickleness. + +There is hardly any bodily blemish, which a winning behavior will not +conceal, or make tolerable; and there is no external grace, which +ill-nature or affectation will not deform. + +If you mean to make your side of the argument appear plausible, do not +prejudice people against what you think truth by your passionate manner +of defending it. + +There is an affected humility more insufferable than downright pride, as +hypocrisy is more abominable than libertinism. Take care that your +virtues be genuine and unsophisticated. + +Never ask any one who is conversing with you to repeat his words. +Nothing is ruder than to say, "Pardon me, will you repeat that sentence? +I did not hear you at first," and thus imply that your attention was +wandering when he first spoke. + +When we speak of ourselves and another person, whether he is absent or +present, propriety requires us to mention ourselves last. Thus we should +say, _he and I_, _you and I_. + +If a man is telling that which is as old as the hills, or which you +believe to be false, the better way is to let him go on. Why should you +refuse a man the pleasure of believing that he is telling you something +which you never heard before? Besides, by refusing to believe him, or by +telling him that his story is old, you not only mortify him, but the +whole company is made uneasy, and, by sympathy, share his mortification. + +Never notice it if others make mistakes in language. To notice by word +or look such errors in those around you, is excessively ill-bred. + +Avoid raillery and sarcasm in social parties. They are weapons which few +can use; and because you happen to have a razor in your possession, that +is no reason why you should be allowed to cut the throats of the rest +who are unarmed. Malicious jests at the expense of those who are present +or absent, show that he who uses them is devoid both of the instincts +and habits of a _gentleman_. Where two individuals or the whole company +agree to banter each other with good-natured sallies of wit, it is very +pleasant, but the least taint of ill-nature spoils all. + +If upon the entrance of a visitor you continue a conversation begun +before, you should always explain the subject to the new-comer. + +If there is any one in the company whom you do not know, be careful how +you let off any epigrams or pleasant little sarcasms. You might be very +witty upon halters to a man whose father had been hanged. The first +requisite for successful conversation is to know your company well. + +Carefully avoid subjects which may be construed into personalities, and +keep a strict reserve upon family matters. Avoid, if you can, seeing the +skeleton in your friend's closet, but if it is paraded for your special +benefit, regard it as a sacred confidence, and never betray your +knowledge to a third party. + +Listen attentively and patiently to what is said. It is a great and +difficult talent to be a good listener, but it is one which the +well-bred man has to acquire, at whatever pains. Do not anticipate the +point of a story which another person is reciting, or take it from his +lips to finish it in your own language. To do this is a great breach of +etiquette. + +Dr. Johnson, whose reputation as a _talker_ was hardly less than that +which he acquired as a writer, prided himself on the appositeness of his +quotations, the choice of his words, and the correctness of his +expressions. Had he lived in this "age of progress," he would have +discovered that his lexicon was not only incomplete, but required +numerous emendations. We can fancy the irritable moralist endeavoring to +comprehend the idea which a young lady wishes to convey when she +expresses the opinion that a bonnet is "_awful_," or that of a young +gentleman, when he asserts that his coat is "_played out_!" + +Avoid the use of proverbs in conversation, and all sorts of cant +phrases. This error is, I believe, censured by Lord Chesterfield, and is +one of the most offensively vulgar which a person can commit. + +It is bad manners to satirize lawyers in the presence of lawyers, or +doctors in the presence of one of that calling, and so of all the +professions. Nor should you rail against bribery and corruption in the +presence of politicians, (especially of a New York politician,) or +members of Congress, as they will have good reason to suppose that you +are hinting at them. It is the aim of politeness to leave the arena of +social intercourse untainted with any severity of language, or +bitterness of feeling. There are places and occasions where wrong must +be exposed and reproved, but it is an unpardonable piece of rudeness to +attempt such things at your own or another's social party, where +everything is carefully to be avoided that can in the least disturb the +happiness of any one. For this reason all kinds of controversies are, as +a general rule, to be avoided at such times. + +Any conversation (that is not interdicted by decency and propriety) +which can be pleasing to the whole company, is desirable. Amusement, +more than instruction even, is to be sought for in social parties. +People are not supposed to come together on such occasions because they +are ignorant and need teaching, but to seek amusement and relaxation +from professional and daily cares. All the English books on etiquette +tell you that "punning is scrupulously to be avoided as a species of +ale-house wit," and a savage remark of Dr. Johnson is usually quoted on +the subject. But punning is no more to be avoided than any other kind of +wit; and if all wit is to be banished from the social circle, it will be +left a stupid affair indeed. All kinds of wit, puns by no means +excepted, give a delightful relish to social parties when they spring +up naturally and spontaneously out of the themes of conversation. But +for a man to be constantly straining himself to make jokes is to make +himself ridiculous, and to annoy the whole company, and is, therefore, +what no gentleman will be guilty of. + +Talk as little of yourself as possible, or of any science or business in +which you have acquired fame. There is a banker in New York who is +always certain to occupy the time of every party he gets into, by +talking of his _per cents_, and boasting that he _began life without a +cent_--which every one readily believes; and if he were to add that he +_began life in a pig-pen_, they would believe that too. + +If you put on a proud carriage, people will want to know what there is +in you to be proud of. And it is ten to one whether they value your +accomplishments at the same rate as you. And the higher you aspire, they +will be the more desirous to mortify you. + +Nothing is more nauseous than apparent self-sufficiency. For it shows +the company two things, which are extremely disagreeable: that you have +a high opinion of yourself, and that you have comparatively a mean +opinion of them. + +It is the concussion of passions that produces a storm. Let an angry man +alone, and he will cool off himself. + +It is but seldom that very remarkable occurrences fall out in life. The +evenness of your temper will be in most danger of being troubled by +trifles which take you by surprise. + +It is as obliging in company, especially of superiors, to listen +attentively, as to talk entertainingly. + +Don't think of knocking out another person's brains, because he differs +in opinion from you. It will be as rational to knock yourself on the +head, because you differ from yourself ten years ago. + +If you want to gain any man's good opinion, take particular care how you +behave, the first time you are in company with him. The light you appear +in at first, to one who is neither inclined to think well or ill of you, +will strongly prejudice him either for or against you. + +Good humor is the only shield to keep off the darts of the satirical +railer. If you have a quiver well stored, and are sure of hitting him +between the joints of the harness, do not spare him. But you had better +not bend your bow than miss your aim. + +The modest man is seldom the object of envy. + +In the company of ladies, do not labor to establish learned points by +long-winded arguments. They do not care to take too much pains to find +out truth. + +You will forbear to interrupt a person who is telling a story, even +though he is making historical mistakes in dates and facts. If he makes +mistakes it is his own fault, and it is not your business to mortify him +by attempting to correct his blunders in presence of those with whom he +is ambitious to stand well. + +In a dispute, if you cannot reconcile the parties, withdraw from them. +You will surely make one enemy, perhaps two, by taking either side in an +argument when the speakers have lost their temper. + +Do not _dispute_ in a party of ladies and gentlemen. If a gentleman +advances an opinion which is different from ideas you are known to +entertain, either appear not to have heard it, or differ with him as +gently as possible. You will not say, "Sir, you are mistaken!" "Sir, you +are wrong!" or that you "happen to know better;" but you will rather +use some such phrase as, "Pardon me--if I am not mistaken," etc. This +will give him a chance to say some such civil thing as that he regrets +to disagree with you; and if he has not the good manners to do it, you +have, at any rate, established your own manners as those of a gentleman +in the eyes of the company. And when you have done that, you need not +trouble yourself about any opinions he may advance contrary to your own. + +If you talk sentences, do not at the same time give yourself a +magisterial air in doing it. An easy conversation is the only agreeable +one, especially in mixed company. + +Be sure of the fact, before you lose time in searching for a cause. + +If you have a friend that will reprove your faults and foibles, consider +you enjoy a blessing, which the king upon the throne cannot have. + +In disputes upon moral or scientific points, ever let your aim be to +come at truth, not to conquer your opponent. So you never shall be at a +loss in losing the argument, and gaining a new discovery. + +What may be very entertaining in company with ignorant people, may be +tiresome to those who know more of the matter than yourself. + +There is a sort of accidental and altogether equivocal type of city +women, who never get into the country, but they employ their time in +trying to astonish the country people with narrations of the fine things +they left behind them in the city. If they have a dirty little closet, +with ten valueless books in it, they will call it their _library_. If +they have some small room, that is used as kitchen, parlor, and +dining-room, they will magnify it into a _drawing-room_. And a hundred +other _little_ signs of their _great_ vulgarity they will constantly +insist on exhibiting to their country auditors. + +Put yourself on the same level as the person to whom you speak, and +under penalty of being considered a pedantic idiot, refrain from +explaining any expression or word that you may use. + +If you are really a wit, remember that in conversation its true office +consists more in finding it in others, than showing off a great deal of +it yourself. He who goes out of your company pleased with himself is +sure to be pleased with you. Even as great a man as Dr. Johnson once +retired from a party where everybody had spent the evening in listening +to him, and remarked, as he went out, "We have had a pleasant evening, +and much excellent conversation." + +If you happen to fall into company where the talk runs into party, +obscenity, scandal, folly, or vice of any kind, you had better pass for +morose or unsocial, among people whose good opinion is not worth having, +than shock your own conscience by joining in conversation which you must +disapprove of. + +If you would have a right account of things from illiterate people, let +them tell their story in their own way. If you put them upon talking +according to logical rules, you will quite confound them. + +I was much pleased with the saying of a gentleman, who was engaged in a +friendly argument with another upon a point in morals. "You and I [says +he to his antagonist] seem, as far as I hitherto understand, to differ +considerably in our opinions. Let us, if you please, try wherein we can +agree." The scheme in most disputes is to try who shall conquer, or +confound the other. It is therefore no wonder that so little light is +struck out in conversation, where a candid inquiry after truth is the +least thing thought of. + +By all means, shun the vulgar habit of joking at the expense of women. +All such tricks as refusing a lady a piece of tongue, because "_women +already have tongue enough_," are as vulgar as they are old and stale. +The man who does not respect woman, exposes himself to the suspicion of +associating generally with the fallen portion of the sex. And besides, +he has no right to make a respectable parlor or drawing-room the theater +of such vulgar jokes and railing against the sex as go down in low +society. + +If a man complains to you of his wife, a woman of her husband, a parent +of a child, or a child of a parent, be very cautious how you meddle +between such near relations, to blame the behavior of one to the other. +You will only have the hatred of both parties, and do no good with +either. But this does not hinder your giving both parties, or either, +your best advice in a prudent manner. + +Be prudently secret. But don't affect to make a secret of what all the +world may know, nor give yourself airs of being as close as a +conspirator. You will better disappoint idle curiosity by seeming to +have nothing to conceal. + +Never blame a friend without joining some commendation to make reproof +go down. + +It is by giving free rein to folly, in conversation and action, that +people expose themselves to contempt and ridicule. The modest man may +deprive himself of some part of the applause of some sort of people in +conversation, by not shining altogether so much as he might have done. +Or he may deprive himself of some lesser advantages in life by his +reluctancy in putting himself forward. But it is only the rash and +impetuous talker, or actor, that effectually exposes himself in +company, or ruins himself in life. It is therefore easy to determine +which is the safest side to err on. + +It is a base temper in mankind, that they will not take the smallest +slight at the hand of those who have done them the greatest kindness. + +If you fall into the greatest company, in a natural and unforced way, +look upon yourself as one of them; and do not sneak, nor suffer any one +to treat you unworthily, without just showing that you know behavior. +But if you see them disposed to be rude, overbearing, or purse-proud, it +will be more decent and less troublesome to retire, than to wrangle with +them. + +There cannot be any practice more offensive than that of taking a person +aside to whisper in a room with company; yet this rudeness is of +frequent occurrence--and that with those who know it to be improper. + +If at any time you chance, in conversation, to get on a side of an +argument which you find not to be tenable, or any other way over-shoot +yourself, turn off the subject in as easy and good humored a way as you +can. If you proceed still, and endeavor, right or wrong, to make your +first point good, you will only entangle yourself the more, and in the +end expose yourself. + +Never over-praise any absent person, especially ladies, in company of +ladies. It is the way to bring envy and hatred upon those whom you wish +well to. + +To try whether your conversation is likely to be acceptable to people of +sense, imagine what you say written down, or printed, and consider how +it would read; whether it would appear natural, improving and +entertaining; or affected, unmeaning, or mischievous. + +It is better, in conversation with positive men, to turn off the subject +in dispute with some merry conceit, than keep up the contention to the +disturbance of the company. + +Don't give your advice upon any extraordinary emergency, nor your +opinion upon any difficult point, especially in company of eminent +persons, without first taking time to deliberate. If you say nothing, it +may not be known whether your silence was owing to the ignorance of the +subject, or to modesty. If you give a rash and crude opinion, you are +effectually and irrecoverably exposed. + +If you fill your fancy, while you are in company, with suspicions of +their thinking meanly of you; if you puff yourself up with imaginations +of appearing to them a very witty, or profound person; if you discompose +yourself with fears of misbehaving before them, or in any way put +yourself out of yourself, you will not appear in your natural color, but +in that of an affected, personated character, which is always +disagreeable. + +It may be useful to study, at leisure, a variety of proper phrases for +such occasions as are most frequent in life, as civilities to superiors, +expressions of kindness to inferiors; congratulations, condolence, +expressions of gratitude, acknowledgment of faults, asking or denying of +favors, etc. I prescribe no particular phrases, because, our language +continually fluctuating, they must soon become stiff and unfashionable. +The best method of acquiring the accomplishment of graceful and easy +manner of expression for the common occasions of life, is attention and +imitation of well-bred people. Nothing makes a man appear more +contemptible than barrenness, pedantry, or impropriety of expression. + +Avoid flattery. A delicate compliment is permissible in conversation, +but flattery is broad, coarse, and to sensible people, disgusting. If +you flatter your superiors, they will distrust you, thinking you have +some selfish end; if you flatter ladies, they will despise you, thinking +you have no other conversation. + +If you meet an ill-bred fellow in company, whose voice and manners are +offensive to you, you cannot resent it at the time, because by so doing +you compel the whole company to be spectators of your quarrel, and the +pleasure of the party would be spoiled. + +If you must speak upon a difficult point, be the last speaker if you +can. + +You will not be agreeable to company, if you strive to bring in or keep +up a subject unsuitable to their capacities, or humor. + +You will never convince a man of ordinary sense by overbearing his +understanding. If you dispute with him in such a manner as to show a due +deference for his judgment, your complaisance may win him, though your +saucy arguments could not. + +Avoid appearing dogmatical and too positive in any assertions you make, +which can possibly be subject to any contradiction. He that is +peremptory in his own story, may meet with another as positive as +himself to contradict him, and then the two Sir Positives will be sure +to have a skirmish. + +The frequent use of the name of God, or the Devil; allusions to passages +of Scripture; mocking at anything serious and devout, oaths, vulgar +by-words, cant phrases, affected hard words, when familiar terms will do +as well; scraps of _Latin_, _Greek_ or _French_; quotations from plays +spoke in a theatrical manner--all these, much used in conversation, +render a person very contemptible to grave and wise men. + +If you send people away from your company well-pleased with themselves, +you need not fear but they will be well enough pleased with you, whether +they have received any instruction from you or not. Most people had +rather be pleased than instructed. + +If you can express yourself to be perfectly understood in ten words, +never use a dozen. Go not about to prove, by a long series of reasoning, +what all the world is ready to own. + +If any one takes the trouble of finding fault with you, you ought in +reason to suppose he has some regard for you, else he would not run the +hazard of disobliging you, and drawing upon himself your hatred. + +Do not ruffle or provoke any man; why should any one be the worse for +coming into company with you? Be not yourself provoked. Why should you +give any man the advantage over you? + +To say that one has opinions very different from those commonly +received, is saying that he either loves singularity, or that he thinks +for himself. Which of the two is the case, can only be found by +examining the grounds of his opinions. + +Don't appear to the public too sure, or too eager upon any project. If +it should miscarry, which it is a chance but it does, you will be +laughed at. The surest way to prevent which, is not to tell your designs +or prospects in life. + +If you give yourself a loose tongue in company, you may almost depend on +being pulled to pieces as soon as your back is turned, however they may +seem entertained with your conversation. + +For common conversation, men of ordinary abilities will upon occasion do +well enough. And you may always pick something out of any man's +discourse, by which you may profit. For an intimate friend to improve +by, you must search half a country over, and be glad if you can find him +at last. + +Don't give your time to every superficial acquaintance: it is bestowing +what is to you of inestimable worth, upon one who is not likely to be +the better for it. + +If a person has behaved to you in an unaccountable manner, don't at once +conclude him a bad man, unless you find his character given up by all +who know him, nor then, unless the facts alleged against him be +undoubtedly proved, and wholly inexcusable. But this is not advising you +to trust a person whose character you have any reason to suspect. +Nothing can be more absurd than the common way of fixing people's +characters. Such a one has disobliged me, therefore he is a villain. +Such another has done me a kindness, therefore he is a saint. + +Superficial people are more agreeable the first time you are in their +company, than ever afterwards. Men of judgment improve every succeeding +conversation; beware therefore of judging by one interview. + +You will not anger a man so much by showing him that you hate him, as by +expressing a contempt of him. + +Most women had rather have any of their good qualities slighted, than +their beauty. Yet that is the most inconsiderable accomplishment of a +woman of real merit. + +You will be always reckoned by the world nearly of the same character +with those whose company you keep. + +You will please so much the less, if you go into company determined to +shine. Let your conversation appear to rise out of thoughts suggested by +the occasion, not strained or premeditated: nature always pleases: +affectation is always odious. + + + + +ON DRESS. + + +It is hardly necessary to remind the reader that dress, though often +considered a trifling matter, is one of considerable importance, for a +man's personal appearance is a sort of "index and obscure prologue" to +his character. + +Lord Chesterfield has said, "I cannot help forming some opinion of a +man's sense and character from his dress." Besides, the appearance of a +well-dressed man commands a certain degree of respect which would never +be shown to a sloven. As Shakspeare has written, "The world is still +deceived by ornament;" and there are those who associate fine clothes +with fine people so strongly, that they do not trouble themselves to +ascertain whether the wearers are worthy of respect, as others form +their opinions of books by the gilding of the leaves and beauty of the +binding. + +The dress of a gentleman should be such as not to excite any special +observation, unless it be for neatness and propriety. The utmost care +should be exercised to avoid even the appearance of desiring to attract +attention by the peculiar formation of any article of attire, or by the +display of an immoderate quantity of jewelry, both being a positive +evidence of vulgarity. His dress should be studiously neat, leaving no +other impression than that of a well-dressed gentleman. + +Well-bred people do not often dress in what is called the "height of the +fashion," as that is generally left to dandies and pretenders. But +still it is undoubtedly a great point gained to be well dressed. To be +fancifully dressed, in gaudy colors, is to be very badly dressed, +however, and is an example of ill taste which is rarely met with among +people of substantial good breeding. + +Cleanliness and neatness are the invariable accompaniments of good +breeding. Every gentleman may not be dressed expensively, he may not be +able to do so; but water is cheap, and no gentleman will ever go into +company unmindful of cleanliness either in his person or apparel. + +A well-dressed man does not require so much an extensive as a varied +wardrobe. He wants a different costume for every season and every +occasion; but if what he selects is simple rather than striking, he may +appear in the same clothes as often as he likes, as long as they are +fresh and appropriate to the season and the object. There are four kinds +of coats which he must have: a business coat, a frock-coat, a +dress-coat, and an over-coat. A well dressed man may do well with four +of the first, and one of each of the others per annum. An economical man +can get along with less. + +Did any lady ever see a gentleman with an embroidered waistcoat, and a +profusion of chains, rings, and trinkets adorning his person? + +Avoid affecting singularity in dress. Expensive dressing is no sign of a +gentleman. If a gentleman is able to dress expensively it is very well +for him to do so, but if _he is not able_ to wear ten-dollar broadcloth, +he may comfort himself with the reflection that cloth which costs but +five dollars a yard will look quite as well when made into a +well-fitting coat. With this suit, and well-made shoes, clean gloves, a +white pocket-handkerchief, and an easy and graceful deportment withal, +he may pass muster as a gentleman. Manners do quite as much to set off +a suit of clothes as clothes do to set off a graceful person. + +A dress perfectly suited to a tall, good-looking man, may render one who +is neither, ridiculous; as although the former may wear a remarkable +waistcoat or singular coat, _almost_ with impunity, the latter, by +adopting a similar costume, exposes himself to the laughter of all who +see him. An unassuming simplicity in dress should always be preferred, +as it prepossesses every one in favor of the wearer. + +Avoid what is called the "ruffianly style of dress," or the _nonchalant_ +and _slouching_ appearance of a half-unbuttoned vest, and suspenderless +pantaloons. That sort of affectation is if possible even more disgusting +than the painfully elaborate frippery of the dandy. + +Gentlemen never make any display of jewelry; that is given up entirely +to the dominion of female taste. But ladies of good taste seldom wear it +in the morning. It is reserved for evening display and for brilliant +parties. + +The native independence of American character regards with disdain many +of the stringent social laws which are recognized in England and on the +continent. Thus, the dress which many of our countryman adopt for the +assembly-room and private parties would subject them to serious +annoyance abroad. A frock-coat would not be tolerated a moment in any +fashionable society in Europe, and whether it be esteemed a prejudice or +otherwise, we are free to confess that in our opinion it is a violation +of good taste, and unsuited either to a ball-room or private assembly. + +We should, however, be far from denying the claim of gentleman to any +person, simply because he wore a frock-coat; for the fickle goddess, +Fashion, tolerates it to a certain extent in America; but if the +universal custom among the refined and polished members of society were +to exclude it, as in Europe, its use would manifest a contempt for the +opinion of others, of which no gentleman could be guilty. + +If the title of gentleman should depend entirely and solely on one's +conformation to the laws of etiquette, the most unprincipled profligate +or debauchee might successfully wear it; it is, however, but the finish +and polish of the jewel--not the diamond itself. + +If we were allowed to say anything to the ladies concerning dress in a +dictatorial way, and were sure of being obeyed, we should order them +generally to dress _less_. How often do we see a female attired in the +height of fashion, perfectly gorgeous in costume, sweeping along the +dusty street, perspiring under the weight of her finery--dressed, in +fact, in a manner fit only for a carriage. This is a very mistaken and +absurd fashion, and such people would be astonished to see the +simplicity of real aristocracy as regards dress. + +In our allusions to the dress of a gentleman, we have urged a studied +simplicity of apparel; the same remarks are equally applicable to that +of a lady. Indeed, _simplicity_ is the grand secret of a lady's toilet. +When she burdens herself with a profusion of _bijouterie_ she rather +detracts from than adds to her personal appearance, while all _outre_ +fashions and ultra styles of dress, though they excite attention, +neither win respect nor enhance the attraction of the wearer. + +Some ladies, perhaps imagining that they are deficient in personal +charms--and we are willing to believe that there are such, although the +Chesterfieldian school of philosophers would ridicule the idea--endeavor +to make their clothes the spell of their attraction. With this end in +view, they labor by lavish expenditure to supply in expensive adornment +what they lack in beauty of form or feature. Unfortunately for their +success, elegant dressing does not depend upon expense. A lady might +wear the costliest silks that Italy could produce, adorn herself with +laces from Brussels which years of patient toil are required to +fabricate; she might carry the jewels of an Eastern princess around her +neck and upon her wrists and fingers, yet still, in appearance, be +essentially vulgar. These were as nothing without grace, without +adaptation, without a harmonious blending of colors, without the +exercise of discrimination and good taste. + +The most appropriate and becoming dress is that which so harmonizes with +the figure as to make the apparel unobserved. When any particular +portion of it excites the attention, there is a defect, for the details +should not present themselves first but the result of perfect dressing +should be an _elegant woman_, the dress commanding no especial regard. +Men are but indifferent judges of the material of a lady's dress; in +fact, they care nothing about the matter. A modest countenance and +pleasing figure, habited in an inexpensive attire, would win more +attention from men, than awkwardness and effrontery, clad in the richest +satins of Stewart and the costliest gems of Tiffany. + +There are occasionally to be found among both sexes, persons who neglect +their dress through a ridiculous affectation of singularity, and who +take pride in being thought utterly indifferent to their personal +appearance. Millionaires are very apt to manifest this characteristic, +but with them it generally arises through a miserly penuriousness of +disposition; their imitators, however, are even more deficient than they +in common sense. + +Lavater has urged that persons habitually attentive to their attire, +display the same regularity in their domestic affairs. He also says: +"Young women who neglect their toilet and manifest little concern about +dress, indicate a general disregard of order--a mind but ill adapted to +the details of housekeeping--a deficiency of taste and of the qualities +that inspire love." + +Hence the desire of exhibiting an amiable exterior is essentially +requisite in a young lady, for it indicates cleanliness, sweetness, a +love of order and propriety, and all those virtues which are attractive +to their associates, and particularly to those of the other sex. + +Chesterfield asserts that a sympathy goes through every action of our +lives, and that he could not help conceiving some idea of people's sense +and character from the dress in which they appeared when introduced to +him. + +Another writer has remarked that he never yet met with a woman whose +general style of dress was chaste, elegant and appropriate, that he did +not find her on further acquaintance to be, in disposition and mind, an +object to admire and love. + +The fair sex have the reputation of being passionately fond of dress, +and the love of it has been said to be natural to women. We are not +disposed to deny it, but we do not regard it as a weakness nor a +peculiarity to be condemned. Dress is the appropriate finish of beauty. +Some one has said that, "Without dress a handsome person is a gem, but a +gem that is not set. But dress," he further remarks, "must be consistent +with the graces and with nature." + +"Taste," says a celebrated divine, "requires a congruity between the +internal character and the external appearance; the imagination will +involuntarily form to itself an idea of such a correspondence. First +ideas are, in general, of considerable consequence. I should therefore +think it wise in the female world to take care that their _appearance_ +should not convey a forbidding idea to the most superficial observer." + +As we have already remarked, the secret of perfect dressing is +simplicity, costliness being no essential element of real elegance. We +have to add that everything depends upon the judgment and good taste of +the wearer. These should always be a harmonious adaptation of one +article of attire to another, as also to the size, figure and complexion +of the wearer. There should be a correspondence in all parts of a lady's +toilet, so as to present a perfect entirety. Thus, when we see a female +of light, delicate complexion, penciling her eyebrows until they are +positively black, we cannot but entertain a contempt for her lack of +taste and good sense. There is a harmony in nature's tints which art can +never equal, much less improve. + +A fair face is generally accompanied by blue eyes, light hair, eyebrows +and lashes. There is a delicacy and harmonious blending of +correspondences which are in perfect keeping; but if you sully the +eyebrows with blackness, you destroy all similitude of feature and +expression, and almost present a deformity. + +We cannot but allude to the practice of using white paints, a habit +strongly to be condemned. If for no other reason than that poison lurks +beneath every layer, inducing paralytic affections and premature death, +they should be discarded--but they are a disguise which deceives no one, +even at a distance; there is a ghastly deathliness in the appearance of +the skin after it has been painted, which is far removed from the +natural hue of health. + +The hostess should be particularly careful not to outshine her guests. +We have seen many instances where a lady, fond of dress, (and what lady +is not fond of dress?) and conscious that it is unbecoming to dress to +excess when visitors are invited, yet so unable to restrain the desire +of display, has made the whole of her guests look shabby, by the +contrast of her own gay colors. To dress meanly is a mark of disrespect +to the company, but it is equally so to make a very gay appearance. If +you make a grand display yourself, you are apt to appear as if you +wished to parade your appearance, and it is always safer to be under +than over the mark. + +In going out, consider the sort of company you are likely to meet, and +endeavor to assimilate to them as much as possible--for to make a great +display elsewhere is an evidence of bad taste. But here if you miss the +happy medium, dress above the mark rather than below it, for you may +dress more out of doors than you may at home. Where dancing is expected +to take place, no one should go without new kid gloves; nothing is so +revolting as to see one person in an assembly ungloved, especially where +the heat of the room, and the exercise together, are sure to make the +hands redder than usual. Always wear your gloves in church or in a +theater. + +We may add a few general maxims, applied to both sexes, and our task +will be done. + +"All affectation in dress," says Chesterfield, "implies a flaw in the +understanding." One should, therefore, avoid being singular, or +attracting the notice, and the tongues of the sarcastic, by being +eccentric. + +Never dress against any one. Choose those garments which suit you, and +look well upon you, perfectly irrespective of the fact that a lady or +gentleman in the same village or street may excel you. + +When dressed for company, strive to appear as easy and natural as if you +were in undress. Nothing is more distressing to a sensitive person, or +more ridiculous to one gifted with an _esprit moqueur_, than to see a +lady laboring under the consciousness of a fine gown; or a gentleman who +is stiff, awkward, and ungainly in a bran-new coat. + +Dress according to your age. It is both painful and ridiculous to see an +old lady dressed as a belle of four-and-twenty, or an old fellow, old +enough for a grandfather, affecting the costume and the manners of a +_beau_. + +Young men should be _well_ dressed. Not foppishly, but neatly and well. +An untidy person at five-and-twenty, degenerates, very frequently, into +a sloven and a boor at fifty. + +Be not too negligent, nor too studied in your attire; and lastly, let +your behavior and conversation suit the clothes you wear, so that those +who know you may feel that, after all, dress and external appearance is +the least portion of a LADY or GENTLEMAN. + + + + +INTRODUCTIONS. + + +The custom which prevails in country places of introducing everybody you +meet to each other, is both an annoying and an improper one. As a +general rule, introductions ought not to be made, except where there is +undoubted evidence that the acquaintance would be mutually agreeable and +proper. + +But if you should find an agreeable person in private society, who seems +desirous of making your acquaintance, there cannot be any objection to +your meeting his advances half way, although the ceremony of an +"introduction" may not have taken place; his presence in your friend's +house being a sufficient guarantee for his respectability, as of course +if he were an improper person he would not be there. + +It is customary in introducing people, to present the youngest person to +the oldest, or the humblest to the highest in position, if there is any +distinction. + +In introducing a gentleman to a lady, address her first, thus: "Miss +Mason, permit me to present you to Mr. Kent;" or, "Mr. Trevor, I have +the pleasure of presenting to you Mr. Marlow." When one lady is married, +and the other single, present the single lady to the matron--"Miss +Harris, allow me to introduce you to Mrs. Martin." + +When you introduce parties whom you are quite sure will be pleased with +each other, it is well to add, after the introduction, that you take +great pleasure in making them acquainted, which will be an assurance to +each that you think they are well matched, and thus they are prepared to +be friends from the start. + +In introducing parties, be careful to pronounce each name distinctly, as +there is nothing more awkward than to have one's name miscalled. + +In introducing a foreigner, it is proper to present him as "Mr. Leslie, +from England;" "Mr. La Rue from France." Likewise when presenting an +American who has recently returned after traveling in distant lands, +make him known as "Mr. Dunlap, lately from France," or "Mr. Meadows, +recently from Italy." + +It is very easy to make these slight specifications, and they at once +afford an opening for conversation between the two strangers, for +nothing will be more natural than to ask "the recently arrived" +something about his voyage, or the places he has seen during his +travels. + +When presenting a governor, designate the State he governs--as, +"Governor Fenton of New York." In introducing a member of Congress, +mention the State to which he belongs, as "Mr. Sherman of Ohio," or "Mr. +Banks of Massachusetts." Do not forget that Congress includes the two +legislative bodies. + +When introducing any of the members of your own family, mention the name +in an audible tone. It is not considered sufficient to say "My father," +"My mother," "My sister," or "My brother." But say, "My father, Mr. +Stanley," "My brother, Mr. Weston," "My sister, Miss or Mrs. Hope." It +is best to be explicit in all these things, for there may be more than +one surname in the family. The eldest daughter should be introduced by +her surname only, as, "Miss Sherwood," her younger sisters, as "Miss +Maud Sherwood," "Miss Mary Sherwood." + +In presenting a clergyman, do not neglect to put "Reverend" before his +name. If he is a D. D. say, "The Reverend Doctor." If he is a bishop, +then the word bishop is sufficient. + +When you are introduced to a person, be careful not to appear as though +you had never heard of him before. If he happens to be a person of any +distinction, such a mistake would be unpardonable, and no person is +complimented by being reminded of the fact that his name is unknown. + +If by any misfortune you have been introduced to a person whose +acquaintance you do not desire, you can merely make the formal bow of +etiquette when you meet him, which, of itself, encourages no +familiarity; but _the bow is indispensable_, for he cannot be thought a +gentleman who would pass another with a vacant stare, after having been +formally presented to him. By so doing, he would offer a slight which +would justly make him appear contemptible even in the eyes of the person +he means to humble. + +What is called "cutting" another is never practiced by gentlemen or +ladies, except in some extraordinary instances of bad conduct on the +part of the individual thus sacrificed. An increased degree of ceremony +and formal politeness is the most delicate way of withdrawing from an +unpleasant acquaintance. Indeed, what is called "cutting" is rarely ever +practiced by well-bred ladies and gentlemen. + +On introduction in a room, a married lady generally offers her hand, a +young lady not; in a ball-room, where the introduction is to dancing, +not to friendship, you never shake hands; and as a general rule, an +introduction is not followed by shaking hands--only by a bow. It may +perhaps be laid down, that the more public the place of introduction, +the less hand-shaking takes place; but if the introduction be +particular, if it be accompanied by personal recommendation, such as, "I +want you to know my friend Jones," then you give Jones your hand, and +warmly too. + +It is understood in society, that a person who has been _properly_ +introduced to you, has some claim on your good offices in future; you +cannot therefore slight him without good reason, and the chance of being +called to an account for it. + + + + +LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION. + + +Letters of introduction are to be regarded as certificates of +respectability, and are therefore never to be given where you do not +feel sure on this point. To send a person of whom you know nothing into +the confidence and family of a friend, is an unpardonable recklessness. +In England, letters of introduction are called "tickets to soup," +because it is generally customary to invite a gentleman to dine who +comes with a letter of introduction to you. Such is also the practice, +to some extent, in this country, but etiquette _here_ does not make the +dinner so essential as _there_. + +In England, the party holding a letter of introduction never takes it +himself to the party to whom it is addressed, but he sends it with his +card of address. + +In France, and on the continent of Europe generally, directly the +reverse is the fashion. In America the English custom generally +prevails; though where a young gentleman has a letter to one who is many +years his senior, or to one whose aid he seeks in some enterprise, he +takes it at once himself. + +When a gentleman, bearing a letter of introduction to you, leaves his +card, you should call on him, or send a note, as early as possible. +There is no greater insult than to treat a letter of introduction with +indifference--it is a slight to the stranger as well as to the +introducer, which no subsequent attentions will cancel. After you have +made this call, it is, to some extent, optional with you as to what +further attentions you shall pay the party. In this country everybody is +supposed to be very busy, which is always a sufficient excuse for not +paying elaborate attentions to visitors. It is not demanded that any man +shall neglect his business to wait upon visitors or guests. + +Do not imagine these little ceremonies to be insignificant and beneath +your attention; they are the customs of society; and if you do not +conform to them, you will gain the unenviable distinction of being +pointed out as an ignorant, ill-bred person. Not that you may _care_ the +more for strangers by showing them civility, but you should scrupulously +avoid the imputation of being deficient in good-breeding; and if you do +not choose to be polite for _their_ sakes, you ought to be so for _your +own_. + +Letters of introduction should only be given by actual friends of the +persons addressed, and to actual friends of their own. Never, if you are +wise, give a letter to a person whom you do not know, nor address one to +one whom you know slightly. The letter of introduction, if actually +given to its bearer, should be left unsealed, that he may not incur the +fate of the Persian messenger, who brought tablets of introduction +recommending the new acquaintance to cut his head off. A letter of this +kind must therefore be carefully worded, stating in full the name of the +person introduced, but with as few remarks about him as possible. It is +generally sufficient to say that he is a friend of yours, whom you trust +your other friend will receive with attention, etc. In traveling it is +well to have as many letters as possible, but not to pin your faith on +them. + + + + +DINNER PARTIES. + + +Invitations to dine, from a married party, are sent in some such form as +the following: + + Mr. and Mrs. A---- present their compliments to Mr. and Mrs. B----, + and request the honor, [or hope to have the pleasure] of their + company to dinner on Wednesday, the 10th of December next, at + seven. + + A---- Street, November 18th, 18--. + + R. S. V. P. + +The letters in the corner imply "_Repondez, s'il vous plait_;" meaning, +"an answer will oblige." The reply, accepting the invitation, is +concluded in the following terms: + + Mr. and Mrs. B---- present their compliments to Mr. and Mrs. A----, + and will do themselves the honor, [or will have much pleasure in] + accepting their kind invitation to dinner on the 10th of December + next. + + B---- Square, November 21st, 18--. + +The answer to invitations to dine, accepting or declining, should be +sent immediately, and are always addressed to the lady. If, after you +have accepted an invitation, anything occurs to render it impossible for +you to go, the lady should be informed of it immediately. It is a great +breach of etiquette not to answer an invitation as soon after it is +received as possible, and it is an insult to disappoint when we have +promised. + +Cards or invitations for a dinner party, should be issued at least two +weeks beforehand, and care should be taken by the hostess, in the +selection of the invited guests, that they should be suited to each +other. Much also of the pleasure of the dinner-party will depend on the +arrangement of the guests at table, so as to form a due admixture of +talkers and listeners, the grave and the gay. + +Letters or cards of invitation should always name the hour of dinner; +and well-bred people will arrive as nearly at the specified time as they +can. Be sure and not be a minute behind the time, and you should not get +there long before, unless the invitation requests you particularly to +come early for a little chat before dinner. + +It is always best for the lady of the house, where a dinner-party is to +come off, to be dressed and ready to appear in the drawing-room as early +as possible, so that if any of the guests should happen to come a little +early, she may be prepared to receive them. It is awkward for both +parties where visitors arrive before the lady of the house is ready for +them. If it is necessary for her to keep an eye upon the dinner, it is +still best that she should familiarly receive her guests, and beg to be +excused, if it is necessary for her to vanish occasionally to the +kitchen. A real lady is not ashamed to have it known that she goes into +the kitchen; on the contrary, it is more likely that she will be a +little proud of being thought capable of superintending the preparing +feast. + +It is not in good taste for the lady of the house, where a dinner-party +is given, to dress very much. She leaves it for her lady-guests to make +what display they please, and she offers no rivalry to their fine +things. She contents herself with a tasty _neglige_, which often proves +the most fascinating equipment after all, especially, if the cheeks +become a little flushed with natural bloom, in consequence of the +exercise and anxiety incident to the reception of the guests. + +The half hour before dinner has always been considered as the great +ordeal through which the lady of the house, in giving a dinner-party, +will either pass with flying colors, or lose many of her laurels. The +anxiety to receive her guests, her hope that all will be present in good +time, her trust in the skill of her cook, and the attention of the other +domestics all tend to make the few minutes a trying time. The lady +however, must display no kind of agitation, but show her tact in +suggesting light and cheerful subjects of conversation, which will be +much aided by the introduction of any particular new book, curiosity of +art, or article of _virtu_, which may pleasantly engage the attention of +the company. + +"Waiting for dinner," however, is a trying time, and there are few who +have not felt---- + + "How sad it is to sit and pine, + The long _half-hour_ before we dine! + Upon our watches oft we look, + Then wonder at the clock and cook, + + And strive to laugh in spite of Fate! + But laughter forced, soon quits the room, + And leaves it to its former gloom. + But lo! the dinner now appears, + The object of our hope and fears, + The end of all our pain!" + +In giving an entertainment of this kind, the lady should remember that +it is her duty to make her guests feel happy, comfortable, and quite at +their ease; and the guests should also consider that they have come to +the house of their hostess to be happy. + +When dinner is on the table, the lady and gentleman of the house will +have an opportunity of showing their tact by seeing that the most +distinguished guests, or the _oldest_, are shown into the dining-room +first, and by making those companions at the table who are most likely +to be agreeable to each other. The lady of the house may lead the way, +or follow her guests into the dining-room, as she pleases. Among those +who delight to follow the etiquette of the English nobility, the latter +practice is followed. But the practice must not be considered a test of +good breeding in America. If the lady leads, the husband will follow +behind the guests, with the lady on his arm who is to sit at his side. +The old custom is still followed to some extent in this country, of the +lady taking the head of the table, with the two most favored guests +seated, the one at her right and the other at her left hand; while the +gentleman of the house takes the foot of the table, supported on each +side by the two ladies most entitled to consideration. But this old rule +is by no means slavishly followed in polite society in this country. + +In order to be able to watch the course of the dinner, and to see that +nothing is wanting to their guests, the lady and gentleman of the house +usually seat themselves in the centre of the table, opposite each other. + +When all the guests are seated, the lady of the house serves in plates, +from a pile at her left hand, the soup, which she sends round, beginning +with her neighbors right and left, and continuing till all are helped. +These first plates usually pass twice, for each guest endeavors to +induce his neighbor to accept what was sent to him. + +The gentleman then carves, or causes to be carved by some expert guest, +the large pieces, in order afterwards to do the other honors himself. If +you have no skill in carving meats, do not attempt it; nor should you +ever discharge this duty except when your good offices are solicited by +him; neither can we refuse anything sent us from his hand. + + + + +HABITS AT TABLE. + + +As soon as dinner is announced, the host or hostess will give the signal +for leaving the drawing-room, and in all probability you will be +requested to escort one of the ladies to the table. If this should +occur, offer the lady your left arm, and at the table remain standing +until every lady is seated, then take the place assigned to you by the +hostess. When you leave the parlor, pass out first, and the lady will +follow you, still lightly holding your arm. At the door of the +dining-room, the lady will drop your arm. You should then pass in, and +wait at one side of the entrance till she passes you. Having arrived at +the table, each gentleman respectfully salutes the lady whom he +conducts, who in her turn, also bows and takes her seat. + +Nothing indicates the good breeding of a gentleman so much as his +manners at table. There are a thousand little points to be observed, +which, although not absolutely necessary, distinctly stamp the refined +and well-bred man. A man may pass muster by _dressing well_, and may +sustain himself tolerably in conversation; but if he be not perfectly +_"au fait," dinner_ will betray him. + +Any unpleasant peculiarity, abruptness, or coarseness of manners, is +especially offensive at table. People are more easily disgusted at that +time than at any other. All such acts as leaning over on one side in +your chair, placing your elbows on the table, or on the back of your +neighbor's chair, gaping, twisting about restlessly in your seat, are +to be avoided as heresies of the most infidel stamp at table. + +Though the body at table should always be kept in a tolerably upright +and easy position, yet one need not sit bolt-upright, as stiff and prim +as a poker. To be easy, to be natural, and to appear comfortable, is the +deportment required. + +Always go to a dinner as neatly dressed as possible. The expensiveness +of your apparel is not of much importance, but its freshness and +cleanliness are indispensable. The hands and finger-nails require +especial attention. It is a great insult to every lady at the table for +a man to sit down to dinner with his hands in a bad condition. + +It is considered vulgar to take fish or soup twice. The _reason_ for not +being helped twice to fish or soup at a large dinner-party is, because +by doing so you keep three parts of the company staring at you whilst +waiting for the second course, which is spoiling, much to the annoyance +of the mistress of the house. The selfish greediness, therefore, of so +doing constitutes its vulgarity. At a family dinner it is of less +importance, and is consequently often done. + +You will sip your soup as quietly as possible from the side of the +spoon, and you, of course, will not commit the vulgarity of blowing in +it, or trying to cool it, after it is in your mouth, by drawing in an +unusual quantity of air, for by so doing you would be sure to annoy, if +you did not turn the stomach of the lady or gentleman next to you. + +Be careful and do not touch either your knife or your fork until after +you have finished eating your soup. Leave your spoon in your soup plate, +that the servant may remove them. + +Never _use your knife to convey_ your food to your mouth, _under any +circumstances_; it is unnecessary, and glaringly vulgar. Feed yourself +with a _fork_ or _spoon_, _nothing else_--a knife is only to be used for +cutting. + +If at dinner you are requested to help any one to sauce, do not pour it +over the meat or vegetables, but on one side. If you should have to +carve and help a joint, do not load a person's plate--it is vulgar; also +in serving soup, one ladleful to each plate is sufficient. + +Fish should always be helped with a silver fish-slice, and your own +portion of it divided by the fork aided by a piece of bread. The +application of a knife to fish is likely to destroy the delicacy of its +flavor; besides which, fish sauces are often acidulated; acids corrode +steel, and draw from it a disagreeable taste. + +The lady and gentleman of the house are, of course, helped last, and +they are very particular to notice, every minute, whether the waiters +are attentive to every guest. But they do not press people either to eat +more than they appear to want, nor _insist_ upon their partaking of any +particular dish. It is allowable for you to recommend, so far as to say +that it is considered "excellent," but remember that tastes differ, and +dishes which suit _you_, may be unpleasant to others; and that, in +consequence of your urgency, some modest people might feel themselves +compelled to partake of what is disagreeable to them. + +Neither ladies nor gentlemen ever wear gloves at table, unless their +hands, from some cause, are not fit to be seen. + +Avoid too slow or too rapid eating; the one will appear as though you +did not like your dinner, and the other as though you were afraid you +would not get enough. + +Making a noise in chewing your food, or breathing hard in eating, are +unseemly habits, which will be sure to get you a bad name at table, +among people of good-breeding. Let it be a sacred rule that _you cannot +use your knife, or fork, or teeth too quietly_. + +Avoid picking your teeth, if possible, at table, for however agreeable +such a practice might be to yourself, it may be offensive to others. The +habit which some have of holding one hand over the mouth, does not avoid +the vulgarity of teeth-picking at table. + +Unless you are requested to do so, never select any particular part of a +dish; but if your host asks you what part you prefer, name some part, as +in this case the incivility would consist in making your host choose as +well as carve for you. + +If your host or hostess passes you a plate, keep it, especially if you +have chosen the food upon it, for others have also a choice, and by +passing it, you may give your neighbor dishes distasteful to him, and +take yourself those which he would much prefer. + +If a dish is distasteful to you, decline it, but make no remarks about +it. It is sickening and disgusting to explain at a table how one article +makes you sick, or why some other dish has become distasteful to you. I +have seen a well-dressed tempting dish go from a table untouched, +because one of the company told a most disgusting anecdote about finding +vermin served in a similar dish. + +If the meat or fish upon your plate is too rare or too well-done, do not +eat it; give for an excuse that you prefer some other dish before you; +but never tell your host that his cook has made the dish uneatable. + +If a gentleman is seated by the side of a lady or elderly person, +politeness requires him to save them all trouble of pouring out for +themselves to drink, and of obtaining whatever they are in want of at +the table. He should be eager to offer them whatever he thinks to be +most to their taste. + +Never pare an apple or a pear for a lady unless she desire you, and then +be careful to use your fork to hold it; you may sometimes offer to +_divide a very large pear_ with or for a person. + +It is not good taste to praise extravagantly every dish that is set +before you; but if there are some things that are really very nice, it +is well to speak in their praise. But, above all things, avoid seeming +indifferent to the dinner that is provided for you, as that might be +construed into a dissatisfaction with it. + +Some persons, in helping their guests, or recommending dishes to their +taste, preface every such action with a eulogy on its merits, and draw +every bottle of wine with an account of its virtues; others, running +into the contrary extreme, regret or fear that each dish is not exactly +as it should be; that the cook, etc., etc. Both of these habits are +grievous errors. You should leave it to your guests alone to approve, or +suffer one of your intimate friends who is present, to vaunt your wine. + +If you ask the waiter for anything, you will be careful to speak to him +gently in the tone of _request_, and not of _command_. To speak to a +waiter in a driving manner will create, among well-bred people, the +suspicion that you were sometime a servant yourself, and are putting on +_airs_ at the thought of your promotion. Lord Chesterfield says: "If I +tell a footman to bring me a glass of wine, in a rough, insulting +manner, I should expect that, in obeying me, he would contrive to spill +some of it upon me, and I am sure I should deserve it." + +Should your servants break anything while you are at table, never turn +round, or inquire into the particulars, however annoyed you may feel. +If your servants betray stupidity or awkwardness in waiting on your +guests, avoid reprimanding them _publicly_, as it only draws attention +to their errors, and adds to their embarrassment. + +Never commit the vulgarism of speaking when you have any food in your +mouth. + +When you have occasion to change or pass your plate during dinner, be +careful and remove your knife and fork, that the plate _alone_ may be +taken, but after you have finished your dinner, cross the knife and fork +on the plate, that the servant may take all away, before bringing you +clean ones for dessert. + +Do not put butter on your bread at dinner, and avoid biting or cutting +your bread from the slice, or roll; rather break off small pieces, and +put these in your mouth with your fingers. + +It is considered vulgar to dip a piece of bread into the preserves or +gravy upon your plate and then bite it. If you desire to eat them +together, it is much better to break the bread in small pieces, and +convey these to your mouth with your fork. + +Avoid putting bones, or the seeds of fruit, upon your table-cloth. +Rather place them upon the edge of your plate. + +When you wish to help yourself to butter, salt, or sugar, use the +butter-knife, salt-spoon and sugar-tongs; to use your own knife, spoon +or fingers evinces great ignorance and ill-breeding. + +It is customary in some American families to serve their guests with +coffee in the parlor after dinner. But this is a European custom which +is not generally practiced in polite American society. When coffee is +given at the close of the dinner, it is more usual to serve it before +the guests leave the table. The practice of handing it round in the +parlor or drawing-room, is an unnecessary inconvenience to the guests +particularly, without any compensating advantages. + +Finger-glasses are generally handed round as soon as the viands are +removed, but they are intended merely to wet the fingers and around the +mouth. When the finger-glasses are passed, wet your fingers in them and +then wipe them upon your napkin. The habit of rinsing the mouth at table +is a disgusting piece of indelicacy, which is never practiced by any +well-bred person. + +Upon leaving the table, lay your napkin beside your plate, but do not +fold it. + +Do not leave the table until the lady of the house gives the signal, and +when you leave offer your arm to the lady whom you escorted to the +table. + +It is generally the custom in this country for ladies to retain their +seats at table till the end of the feast, but if they withdraw, the +gentlemen all rise when they leave the table, and remain standing until +they have left the room. + +Politeness demands that you remain at least an hour in the parlor, after +dinner; and, if you can dispose of an entire evening, it would be well +to devote it to the person who has entertained you. It is excessively +rude to leave the house as soon as dinner is over. + + + + +WINE AT TABLE. + + +Almost every gentleman has wine at his table whenever he has invited +guests. Indeed, wine is considered an indispensable part of a good +dinner, to which ladies and gentlemen have been formally invited. Even +if you are a total-abstinence man yourself, you will not, if you are +really a gentleman, attempt to compel all your guests to be so against +their wish. If you are so fanatical that you have what is called +"conscientious scruples" against furnishing wine, then you should invite +none to dine who are not as fanatical and bigoted as yourself. You must +consider that a gentleman may have "conscientious scruples" against +dining with you on cold water, for there are even temperate and sober +gentleman who would go without meat as soon as be deprived of their +glass of wine at dinner. The vegetarian, who would force his guests to +dine on cabbages and onions, is hardly guilty of a greater breach of +etiquette than the total-abstinence fanatic who would compel his guests +to go without wine. + +If there is a gentleman at the table who is known to be a +total-abstinence man, you will not urge him to drink. He will suffer his +glass to be filled at the first passage of the wine, and raising it to +his lips, will bow his respects with the rest of the guests, and after +that his glass will be allowed to remain untouched. As little notice as +possible should be taken of his total-abstinence peculiarity. And, if he +is a gentleman, he will carefully avoid drawing attention to it +himself. + +It is not now the custom to ask a lady across the table to take wine +with you. It is expected that every lady will be properly helped to wine +by the gentleman who takes her to the table, or who sits next to her. +But if you are in company where the old custom prevails, it would be +better breeding to follow the custom of the place, rather than by an +omission of what your entertainer considers civility, to prove him, in +face of his guests, to be either ignorant or vulgar. If either a lady or +gentleman is invited to take wine at table, they must _never refuse_; if +they do not _drink_, they need only touch the wine to their lips. Do not +offer to help a lady to wine until you see she has finished her soup or +fish. + +Always wipe your mouth before drinking, as nothing is more ill-bred than +to grease your glass with your lips. + +Do not propose to take wine with your host; it is his privilege to +invite you. + +It is considered well bred to take the same wine as that selected by the +person with whom you drink. When, however, the wine chosen by him is +unpalatable to you, it is allowable to take that which you prefer, at +the same time apologizingly saying, "Will you permit me to drink +_claret_?" or whatever wine you have selected. + +In inviting a lady to take wine with you at table, you should politely +say, "Shall I have the pleasure of a glass of wine with you?" You will +then either hand her the bottle you have selected, or send it by the +waiter, and afterwards fill your own glass, when you will politely and +silently bow to each other, as you raise the wine to your lips. The same +ceremony is to be observed when inviting a gentleman. + +On raising the first glass of wine to his lips, it is customary for a +gentleman to bow to the lady of the house. + +It is not customary to propose _toasts_ or to drink deep at a +gentleman's family table. Lord Byron describes "a largish party," as +"first silent, then talky, then argumentative, then disputatious, then +unintelligible, then altogethery, then drunk." But this was "a largish +party," which, it is to be hoped, was given at a tavern; for the man who +drinks to intoxication, or to any considerable degree of _elevation_, at +a gentleman's family table, ought never to expect to be invited a second +time. + +At dinner-parties which are given to gentlemen, for the purpose of +conviviality, one may indulge in as much wine as he pleases, provided he +does not get _drunk_, and make a nuisance of himself. Where drinking, +and toasting, and bumpers, are the order of the feast, as at a public +dinner, given in honor of a distinguished man, or at the inauguration of +some public enterprise, far greater latitude is allowed, in all things, +than on more private and select occasions. + +In conclusion of our article on table etiquette, we quote from a recent +English work, some humorous, but valuable hints: + +"We now come to habits at table, which are very important. However +agreeable a man may be in society, if he offends or disgusts by his +table traits, he will soon be scouted from it, and justly so. There are +some broad rules for behavior at table. Whenever there is a servant to +help you, never help yourself. Never put a knife into your mouth, not +even with cheese, which should be eaten with a fork. Never use a spoon +for anything but liquids. Never touch anything edible with your fingers. + +"Forks were undoubtedly a later invention than fingers, but as we are +not cannibals, I am inclined to think they were a good one. There are +some few things which you may take up with your fingers. Thus an +epicure will eat even macaroni with his fingers; and as sucking +asparagus is more pleasant than chewing it, you may, as an epicure, take +it up _au naturel_. But both these things are generally eaten with a +fork. Bread is, of course, eaten with the fingers, and it would be +absurd to carve it with your knife and fork. It must, on the contrary, +always be broken when not buttered, and you should never put a slice of +dry bread to your mouth to bite a piece off. Most fresh fruit, too, is +eaten with the natural prongs, but when you have peeled an orange or +apple, you should cut it with the aid of the fork, unless you can +succeed in breaking it. Apropos of which, I may hint that no epicure +ever yet put a knife to an apple, and that an orange should be peeled +with a spoon. But the art of peeling an orange so as to hold its own +juice, and its own sugar too, is one that can scarcely be taught in a +book. + +"However, let us go to dinner, and I will soon tell you whether you are +a well-bred man or not; and here let me premise that what is good +manners for a small dinner is good manners for a large one, and _vice +versa_. Now, the first thing you do is to sit down. Stop, sir! pray do +not cram yourself into the table in that way; no, nor sit a yard from +it, like that. How graceless, inconvenient, and in the way of +conversation! Why, dear me! you are positively putting your elbows on +the table, and now you have got your hands fumbling about with the +spoons and forks, and now you are nearly knocking my new hock glasses +over. Can't you take your hands down, sir? Didn't you, learn that in the +nursery? Didn't your mamma say to you, "Never put your hands above the +table except to carve or eat?" Oh! but come, no nonsense, sit up, if you +please. I can't have your fine head of hair forming a side dish on my +table; you must not bury your face in the plate; you came to show it, +and it ought to be alive. Well, but there is no occasion to throw your +head back like that, you look like an alderman, sir, _after_ dinner. +Pray, don't lounge in that sleepy way. You are here to eat, drink, and +be merry. You can sleep when you get home. + +"Well, then, I suppose you can see your napkin. Got none, indeed! Very +likely, in _my_ house. You may be sure that I never sit down to a meal +without napkins. I don't want to make my tablecloths unfit for use, and +I don't want to make my trousers unwearable. Well, now, we are all +seated, you can unfold it on your knees; no, no; don't tuck it into your +waistcoat like an alderman; and what! what on earth do you mean by +wiping your forehead with it? Do you take it for a towel? Well, never +mind, I am consoled that you did not go farther, and use it as a +pocket-handkerchief. So talk away to the lady on your right, and wait +till soup is handed to you. By the way, that waiting is the most +important part of table manners, and, as much as possible, you should +avoid asking for anything or helping yourself from the table. Your soup +you eat with a spoon--I don't know what else you _could_ eat it +with--but then it must be one of good size. Yes, that will do, but I beg +you will not make that odious noise in drinking your soup. It is louder +than a dog lapping water, and a cat would be quite genteel to it. Then +you need not scrape up the plate in that way, nor even tilt it to get +the last drop. I shall be happy to send you some more; but I must just +remark, that it is not the custom to take two helpings of soup, and it +is liable to keep other people waiting, which, once for all, is a +selfish and intolerable habit. But don't you hear the servant offering +you sherry? I wish you would attend, for my servants have quite enough +to do, and can't wait all the evening while you finish that very mild +story to Miss Goggles. Come, leave that decanter alone. I had the wine +put on the table to fill up; the servants will hand it directly, or, as +we are a small party, I will tell you to help yourself; but pray, do +not be so officious. (There, I have sent him some turbot to keep him +quiet. I declare he cannot make up his mind.) You are keeping my servant +again, sir. Will you, or will you not, do turbot? Don't examine it in +that way; it is quite fresh, I assure you; take or decline it. Ah, you +take it, but that is no reason why you should take up a knife too. Fish, +I repeat, must never be touched with a knife. Take a fork in the right +and a small piece of bread in the left hand. Good, but----? Oh! that is +atrocious; of course you must not swallow the bones, but you should +rather do so than spit them out in that way. Put up your napkin like +this, and land the said bone on your plate. Don't rub your head in the +sauce, my good man, nor go progging about after the shrimps or oysters +therein. Oh! how horrid! I declare your mouth was wide open and full of +fish. Small pieces, I beseech you; and once for all, whatever you eat, +keep your mouth _shut_, and never attempt to talk with it full. + +"So now you have got a pate. Surely you are not taking two on your +plate! There is plenty of dinner to come, and one is quite enough. Oh! +dear me, you are incorrigible. What! a knife to cut that light brittle +pastry? No, nor fingers, never. Nor a spoon--almost as bad. Take your +fork, sir, your fork; and, now you have eaten, oblige me by wiping your +mouth and moustache with your napkin, for there is a bit of the pastry +hanging to the latter, and looking very disagreeable. Well, you can +refuse a dish if you like. There is no positive necessity for you to +take venison if you don't want it. But, at any rate, do not be in that +terrific hurry. You are not going off by the next train. Wait for the +sauce and wait for the vegetables; but whether you eat them or not, do +not begin before everybody else. Surely you must take my table for that +of a railway refreshment-room, for you have finished before the person I +helped first. Fast eating is bad for the digestion, my good sir, and not +very good manners either. What! are you trying to eat meat with a fork +alone? Oh! it is sweetbread; I beg your pardon, you are quite right. Let +me give you a rule: Everything that can be cut without a knife, should +be cut with a fork alone. Eat your vegetables, therefore, with a fork. +No, there is no necessity to take a spoon for peas; a fork in the right +hand will do. What! did I really see you put your knife into your mouth? +Then I must give you up. Once for all, and ever, the knife is to cut, +not to help with. Pray, do not munch in that noisy manner; chew your +food well, but softly. _Eat slowly._ Have you not heard that Napoleon +lost the battle of Leipsic by eating too fast? It is a fact though. His +haste caused indigestion, which made him incapable of attending to the +details of the battle. You see you are the last person eating at table. +Sir, I will not allow you to speak to my servants in that way. If they +are so remiss as to oblige you to ask for anything, do it gently, and in +a low tone, and thank a servant just as much as you would his master. +Ten to one he is as good a man; and because he is your inferior in +position, is the very reason you should treat him courteously. Oh! it is +of no use to ask me to take wine; far from pacifying me, it will only +make me more angry, for I tell you the custom is quite gone out, except +in a few country villages, and at a mess-table. Nor need you ask the +lady to do so. However, there is this consolation, if you should ask any +one to take wine with you, he or she _cannot_ refuse, so you have your +own way. Perhaps next you will be asking me to hob and nob, or +_trinquer_ in the French fashion with arms encircled. Ah! you don't +know, perhaps, that when a lady _trinques_ in that way with you, you +have a right to finish off with a kiss. Very likely, indeed! But it _is_ +the custom in familiar circles in France, but then we are not Frenchmen. +_Will_ you attend to your lady, sir? You did not come merely to eat, but +to make yourself agreeable. Don't sit as glum as the Memnon at Thebes; +talk and be pleasant. Now you have some pudding. No knife--no, _no_. A +spoon, if you like, but better still, a fork. Yes, ice requires a spoon; +there is a small one handed you, take that. + +"Say 'no.' This is the fourth time wine has been handed to you, and I am +sure you have had enough. Decline this time if you please. Decline that +dish too. Are you going to eat of everything that is handed? I pity you +if you do. No, you must not ask for more cheese, and you must eat it +with your fork. Break the rusk with your fingers. Good. You are drinking +a glass of old port. Do not quaff it down at a gulp in that way. Never +drink a whole glassful of anything at once. + +"Well, here is the wine and dessert. Take whichever wine you like, but +remember you must keep to that, and not change about. Before you go up +stairs I will allow you a glass of sherry after your claret, but +otherwise drink of one wine only! You don't mean to say you are helping +yourself to wine before the ladies! At least, offer it to the one next +to you, and then pass it on, gently, not with a push like that. Do not +drink so fast; you will hurry me in passing the decanters, if I see that +your glass is empty. You need not eat dessert till the ladies are gone, +but offer them whatever is nearest to you. And now they are gone, draw +your chair near mine, and I will try and talk more pleasantly to you. +You will come out admirably at your next dinner with all my teaching. +What! you are excited, you are talking loud to the colonel. Nonsense! +Come and talk easily to me or to your nearest neighbor. There, don't +drink any more wine, for I see you are getting romantic. You oblige me +to make a move. You have had enough of those walnuts; you are keeping +me, my dear sir. So now to coffee [one cup] and tea, which I beg you +will not pour into your saucer to cool. Well, the dinner has done you +good, and me too. Let us be amiable to the ladies, but not too much +so." + + + + +CARVING. + + +Carving is an art which every parent should teach his sons and +daughters. Nothing can be more disagreeable and unpleasant than to be +placed before any particular dish without being able to help it +properly. It is generally the case when the head of the family is a good +carver; for he so objects to see things badly cut, that he prefers +carving everything himself. We remember once, when very young, being +invited to a large dinner, and we were placed before a ham. We began to +hack this article, when the general, the founder of the feast, said to +his servant, "Take that ham away from that young gentleman, and place it +before some one who knows how to carve." From that moment we determined +to achieve the art of carving, and after great difficulty we succeeded, +and succeeded so well that once, in carving a hare, a clergyman, one of +the guests, remarked what an excellent invention that of boning a hare +was, we carved it with so much ease; but determined to have a joke at +the expense of the clergyman, we laid down the knife and fork, and said, +"Sir, we are surprised that you could express such an opinion, when it +is well known that it has filled more jails and sent more men to the +treadmill than any other thing you can name." "What, sir, taking the +bones out of a hare?" "No, sir, 'boning' the hare first." No one can +carve without practice, and consequently children ought to begin young, +in order to acquire a thorough knowledge of the art. It is difficult to +describe the method of carving, even with drawings or diagrams; but the +reader who wishes to learn, may, by observing how good carvers proceed, +and applying what he has seen to what he reads, with practice, soon +become an adept. + +And first, never stand up to carve; this is the greatest vulgarity, and +even a very short man need not stand up. A little, deformed, hump-back +friend of ours, used to give very good dinners; he carved well, and +delighted in showing it, but he had a failing--always to have very large +joints of meat before him. One day a stranger guest arrived late, dinner +had been served, even soup and fish had been removed; the host was +absolutely hidden behind an enormous round of beef, and the stranger saw +nothing at the head of the table but the monstrous joint, round which a +knife was revolving with wonderful rapidity. Steam was the subject of +talk at the moment, and he exclaimed, "I did not know that you had +brought steam to this perfection." "What perfection?" "Why, don't you +see that round of beef is carved by steam." This was enough; it got the +hunchback's steam up, and, jumping on the chair, he demanded who dare +insult him in his own house; and it was with great difficulty that his +friends could appease his wrath, and turn his steam off. Ever since the +time of Adam, men and women have been prone to excuse themselves and lay +the blame on others. Thus, a person who could not swim, complained +bitterly of the want of buoyancy in the water; and another, who had +frightfully mangled a leg of mutton in attempting to carve, declared +that the sheep was deformed and had a bandy leg. + +In France, at all large dinners, dishes are carved at the sideboard by a +servant, and then handed round in small portions. It saves a great deal +of trouble, and prevents the shower of gravy with which awkward carvers +will often inundate the table-cloth, and sometimes their neighbors. It +would be well if this custom was universal in America, where it is rare +to find a good carver. In helping the soup, never say, "Will you let me +assist you to some of this soup?" this is vulgar in the extreme. The +word assist is not "selon les regles de la bonne societe," but simply, +"Shall I send you some?" Now, any one can help soup. But then there are +two ways, the right and the wrong. First, then, your soup plates should +be held by the servant near the tureen, and you should judge the number +you have to help by the quantity of soup you have, to avoid the +possibility of consuming all your soup before you have helped your +guests; give one spoonful of soup to each plate, and avoid by all means +slopping the soup either into the tureen or over the table-cloth, or +over the side of the plate, all of which are extreme vulgarities. And +here we beg to say--notwithstanding Brummel having said, in speaking of +some one with whom he could find no other fault, that he was a sort of +fellow who would come twice to soup,--that, if very good, it is not +vulgar to eat twice of it; but, _au contraire_, if not good, the worst +possible taste. + +The next thing in order is fish. Now, of fish there are several sorts; +the first of the large sorts being + +SALMON, the shape of which every one knows; but few people have a whole +salmon at table. The fish should be served always on a strainer, covered +with a small dinner napkin, and the cook should be careful that it be +sent to table whole and unbroken. It should be laid on its side, and +garnished with fried smelts; it should be cut with the trowel, or +fish-knife, immediately down the middle of the side, and helped from the +centre to the back, one slice back and a small slice towards the belly, +which is the richest and fattest part; care should be taken that the +slices are not broken, and with each slice a fried smelt be given. + +COD-FISH should be helped differently. Cutting from the back to the +thin part, crossways, and the sound divided so as to give each person a +small portion. + +MACKEREL, if boiled, should be divided into four; that is, place your +trowel or fish-knife under the flesh at the tail, and raise up the flesh +to the head, then divide the side in the middle, giving half of the side +to each person, and leaving the bone and head and tail in the dish. + +HERRINGS should be helped by giving one to each person. + +EELS are always cut in small pieces, and all the attention required is +that those which are the largest are the best. + +PATTIES AND ENTREES ought to be so arranged that they can be served with +a spoon, and require no carving. The roast is therefore the next thing +that calls for observation. + +A LEG OF MUTTON is, or rather ought to be served exactly the reverse +side to a haunch of mutton; that is, it ought to lie on the flat side, +and so show the beveled side to the carver. A slice is cut in the +center; and then the carver is to cut to the bone right and left, the +thick side being most esteemed. The best fat is that which lies at the +thick end, near to the bone; there is not much of it, but it is +considered a delicacy. + +A SIRLOIN OF BEEF.--The most elegant way to cut this joint is by making +an incision from the chine-bone to the flap, directly in the center, and +helping from either side. However, this is not the most economical way; +and therefore it is to be cut thin on the outside, from the chine-bone +to the flaps, with fat from underneath. Many people like the under side, +or inner loin. If this is eaten hot--and it is best hot--the joint +should be turned, and the meat cut across in slices rather thicker than +from the top side. Great care should be taken not to splash the gravy in +turning, by placing the fork well into the flap, so as to secure a firm +hold. + +A FORE QUARTER OF LAMB should be carved without removing the shoulder +from the dish on which it is served. This is very difficult; but if well +done, very elegant. First, then, let us give all the directions +necessary for this dish. When it comes before the carver, he should +place the carving-knife under the shoulder, and dexterously remove it. +Having so done, he should place under the shoulder a slice of fresh +butter, and then prepare some salt, cayenne pepper, and the juice of an +orange or a lemon, which should be also poured over the part of the lamb +from which the shoulder has been separated, and then pour the gravy with +the gravy-spoon over the lamb, so that the butter, etc., may amalgamate +well with the gravy. You have then the breast and the ribs, and the +shoulder on the dish, ready to help your friends. Before separating the +ribs, you must cut off the breast, the bones of which the butcher has +previously broken, so as to enable you to do it with ease. As, however, +many people cannot carve so much in one dish, perhaps the better plan is +to place the shoulder on a separate dish, when it can be cut precisely +as a shoulder of mutton, and the ribs and breast can be more easily +divided and helped. Always take care that the butcher joints the meat, +or no man can carve it. + +A HIND QUARTER OF LAMB should be carved both as a leg and a loin, giving +either part to those who prefer it. + +A SADDLE OF LAMB must be carved like a saddle of mutton. + +A LOIN OF LAMB should always be divided at the chine end of the bone, +and helped in chops. + +A HAUNCH OF VENISON OR MUTTON is the leg and part of the loin. It should +be cut across, near the knuckle, and then another cut should pass down +the center. The slices should be taken from the left and the right of +this; those on the left, containing the most fat, are preferred by +epicures. The fat and gravy must be equally distributed. These joints +should always be served on a hot-water dish, or on a dish with a lamp +under it, so as to keep the meat hot. Without one or other of these +contrivances, no one should presume to give a haunch of venison to his +friends. Before it is sent to table, the cook should pour over the +haunch one wine-glassful of hot port wine. + +AN EDGE-BONE OF BEEF should be placed on the dish standing on the +thickest end. The carver should first cut off a slice horizontally from +the end to the fat, an inch thick; but in helping, it cannot be cut too +thin, giving to each person hard and soft fat. If cut thick it is hard +and indigestible. + +A ROUND OR BUTTOCK OF BEEF is cut like a fillet of veal; that is, a +slice having been horizontally removed all round, the slices should be +cut very thin and very even. To properly carve a large round of beef, a +long carving-knife, such as is used in a cook-shop, is necessary. + +A FILLET OF VEAL is a solid piece of meat without bone; it is therefore +easily carved by any one who possesses a sharp knife; the guard of the +fork should be up, to prevent accidents. The veal should be well +roasted; for if the gravy is in it, it is very unwholesome. The slices +may be cut thicker than beef, and the stuffing should be found in the +center, and in the flap which surrounds it. + +A BREAST OF VEAL.--The richest part of this is called the brisket. The +knife must be put about four inches from this, and cut through it, which +will separate the ribs from the brisket; serve whichever is liked. + +CALF'S HEAD is a dish much esteemed here; but, as generally eaten, +plainly boiled, it is tasteless, insipid, and very objectionable--while +cooked a la tortue, as in France, nothing can be better. It should +always be boned and rolled; but if served whole, it is to be cut down +the center, and helped in slices from either side. A portion of the +sweetbread, which generally accompanies a boiled calf's head, should be +given with each portion. If the flesh about the socket of the eye be +preferred, the eye itself being always taken out, the knife should be +inserted into the orifice, and the meat scooped out. The +palate--generally esteemed a delicacy--is situated under the head. This +should be cut into small portions, so that every one may have a share. + +SHOULDER OF MUTTON.--The joint being placed with the knuckle toward the +right hand, observe that there is an angular piece of fat next you. +Having helped your company from this part, you may, perhaps, imagine +that your shoulder of mutton is exhausted, and will not yield a further +dividend. However, you may get from both sides of a large shoulder +enough to help ten people, provided your slices are not too thick, which +they should not be. The fat is to be cut from the aforesaid angular bit +in slices, longways. After the right and left sides are exhausted, and +the carver stopped by the knuckle on one side and the blade-bone on the +other, the end of the shoulder is to be turned, and cut straight down +from the center bone to the end, comprising the three best slices of the +joint. If more is required, the shoulder may be reversed on the dish, +and four good slices will be found on the under side. + +SADDLE OF MUTTON.--This best joint of the sheep is carved in several +ways; the usual way is to cut from the tail to the end close to the +chine-bone, taking the slices horizontally. Another plan is to cut close +to the back-bone, taking slices sideways, so as to help each person with +a piece like a mutton chop, without the bone and very thin. Another way +is to commence, not quite close to the back-bone, and so cut slices, +rounding them a little that they will curl on the plate, cutting in such +a way that the knife slants toward the flaps or fat, and so that the +top of each slice is fat and the bottom lean; and for a small party, +this is by far the most elegant and the best way to carve this excellent +joint. + +HAM.--There perhaps is no joint about which there has been so much +contention as the carving of this excellent dish. For family use, do not +have the skin removed, but let it be sent to table as it is dressed. Cut +from the thick end, where there is most fat; as a ham served hot is +always eaten with veal or poultry, you can thus eat the fat. Continue +cutting your ham in this way, and you will be able to eat it all; +whereas, in any other way, all the lean will be eaten, and a large +quantity of fat, which will become rancid, will be lost. + +CARVING HAM FOR A PARTY.--The best informed say, carve it like a leg of +mutton, that is, beginning in the center, cut right and left in thin +slices; we say, commence at the knuckle, and cut a thick slice off, and +then cut thin slices as they do in the cook-shops--for, rely on it, by +this time they have found out the most economical way of carving a ham. + +A SUCKING PIG must be divided down the middle, and decapitated. This +ought to be done by the cook, and the two sides placed flat on the dish. +Supposing, therefore, this to have been previously done, the carver is +to take off the shoulders and the legs, and help the ribs in such pieces +as he thinks convenient. The ribs are considered best, and you should +give plenty of the sauce or gravy with each plate. + +HARE.--There are two ways of carving this difficult dish. The first is +to cut close to the back-bone from the shoulder to the rump on either +side, previously dividing the legs; take off the shoulders; cutting the +back-bone in three or four pieces, and getting two slices on either +side of the hare. The ear is considered the best part. Another way of +carving a hare is by taking off the legs and shoulders, and cutting it +round through the back-bone, dividing into seven or eight pieces. It is +better to bone a hare. + +A RABBIT is carved very differently. The legs and shoulders are to be +taken off, and the back divided into three or four pieces. + +FOWLS when boiled have their legs bent inwards, and tucked into the +belly. A fowl must never be removed from the dish and placed upon the +carver's plate; nothing can be more vulgar. The wing is to be removed +with a good slice of the breast, the only difficulty being to hit the +joint. To effect this, the knife is to be passed between the leg and the +body, and the leg turned back with the fork. To take off the +merrythought the carver must commence just above where the breast turns, +and cut down slanting; then begin at the rump end, and cut the breast at +either side, keeping the fork in that part of the breast nearest the +rump, and turning it toward the carver; the side-bones may easily be +removed, the back broken in half, and the two sides are then easily +taken off. All this can only be learned by practice; and although we +have endeavored to describe it, we feel that it requires practice to +carry out the directions. + +A PHEASANT is carved precisely as a fowl. It is only necessary to say +that ladies like the wings and breast. + +WILD DUCK.--This bird is only helped from the breast, which is to be +first scored in such a way as afterward to form the slice. Lemon juice, +cayenne, salt, and port wine made hot, should be ready to pour over it; +then the previously scored slices are to be cut and helped. The breast +is the only eatable part, except when hashed. + +PARTRIDGE.--This bird is carved precisely as a fowl. The legs and the +back are the best parts; give them to the ladies, and let the rest of +the company have the wings and breast. + +PIGEONS are usually cut straight down the middle, and a half sent to +each person. + +TURKEYS are carved like geese. Never make a wing cut from the wing or +pinion upward, and not from the breast downward. Give your knife a +slight angle in cutting, and your slice will be larger and better. + +GOOSE.--To give a description of carving a goose is to say, simply, +begin from the wing and cut the slices from the breast up to the breast +bone, and serve each person with a slice, with some stuffing and gravy. +To cut a wing or leg is vulgar in the extreme; for a large party, then, +a second goose is necessary; but lest our readers should say, "That is +an easy way to avoid telling us how we ought to dismember this bird," we +will continue. If you wish to do a vulgar thing, and dismember a goose, +put your fork into the small end of the pinion, and press it close to +the body, then put in the knife and divide the joint down; to separate +the leg, first put the fork into the small end of the bone, pressing it +to the body, then pass your knife between the leg and the body, turn the +leg back with your fork, and it will come off. It is impossible that +anything but experience will teach a person how to do this expertly; but +as we said before, it never should be done when served hot. It has been +said frequently, that a goose is too much for one, and not enough for +two. This means that the breast, which is the only eatable part of a +roasted goose, is, supposing the person to eat nothing else, too much +for one and not enough for two people's dinners; another reason for +never cutting off or eating the legs hot, is that they make a most +excellent "devil" for breakfast the next day--therefore, why destroy a +dish fit for a king? + +WOODCOCKS AND SNIPES.--These are both carved alike--the necessary +directions being: remove the sand-bag, which contains the gall: this +generally protrudes; lift up the breast near the rump; spread the tail +on your toast; cut the wing, leg, and part of the back, the wing being +cut full, that is, with plenty of the breast attached thereto, and you +have one portion with a third of the toast; serve the other side alike, +with another third of the toast, and the breast and the rest of the back +give to the person you esteem the least; in fact, the legs, wings, and +back, as before described, are the best, and should be served together. +Snipes should be cut in half, unless you have enough to give a bird to +each person. + + + + +ETIQUETTE OF THE BALL AND ASSEMBLY ROOM. + + +Dancing has been defined as a "graceful movement of the body, adjusted +by art to the measures or tunes of instruments, or of voice;" and again, +"agreeable to the true genius of the art, dancing is the art of +expressing the sentiments of the mind, or the passions, by measured +steps or bounds made in cadence, by regulated motions of the figure and +by graceful gestures; all performed to the sound of musical instruments +or the voice." + +Lord Chesterfield, in his letters to his son, says: "Dancing is, in +itself, a very trifling and silly thing: but it is one of those +established follies to which people of sense are sometimes obliged to +conform; and then they should be able to do it well. And though I would +not have you a dancer, yet, when you do dance, I would have you dance +well, as I would have you do everything you do well." In another letter, +he writes: "Do you mind your dancing while your dancing master is with +you? As you will be often under the necessity of dancing a minuet, I +would have you dance it very well. Remember that the graceful motion of +the arms, the giving of your hand, and the putting off and putting on of +your hat genteelly, are the material parts of a gentleman's dancing. But +the greatest advantage of dancing well is, that it necessarily teaches +you to present yourself, to sit, stand, and walk genteelly; all of which +are of real importance to a man of fashion." + +When a gentleman accompanies a lady to a ball he will at once proceed +with her to the door of the ladies' dressing-room, there leaving her; +and then repair to the gentlemen's dressing-room. In the mean time, the +lady, after adjusting her toilet, will retire to the ladies' +sitting-room or wait at the door of the dressing-room, according as the +apartments may be arranged. After the gentleman has divested himself of +hat, etc., and placed the same in the care of the man having charge of +the hat-room, receiving therefor a check, and after arranging his +toilet, he will proceed to the ladies' sitting-room, or wait at the +entrance to the ladies' dressing-room for the lady whom he accompanies, +and with her enter the ball-room. + +The ladies' dressing-room is a sacred precinct, into which no gentleman +should ever presume to look; to enter it would be an outrage not to be +overlooked or forgiven. + +With the etiquette of a ball-room, so far as it goes, there are but few +people unacquainted. Certain persons are appointed to act as floor +managers, or there will be a "Master of the Ceremonies," whose office it +is to see that everything be conducted in a proper manner: if you are +entirely a stranger, it is to _them_ you must apply for a partner, and +point out (quietly) any young lady with whom you should like to dance, +when, if there be no obvious inequality of position, they will present +you for that purpose; should there be an objection, they will probably +select some one they consider more suitable; but do not, on any account, +go to a strange lady by yourself, and request her to dance, as she will +unhesitatingly "decline the honor," and think you an impertinent fellow +for your presumption. + +A gentleman introduced to a lady by a floor manager, or the Master of +Ceremonies, should not be refused by the lady if she be not already +engaged, for her refusal would be a breach of good manners: as the +Master of Ceremonies is supposed to be careful to introduce only +gentlemen who are unexceptionable. But a gentleman who is unqualified as +a dancer should never seek an introduction. + +At a private party, a gentleman may offer to dance with a lady without +an introduction, but at balls the rule is different. The gentleman +should respectfully offer his arm to the lady who consents to dance with +him, and lead her to her place. At the conclusion of the set he will +conduct her to a seat, offer her any attention, or converse with her. A +gentleman should not dance with his wife, and not too often with the +lady to whom he is engaged. + +Any presentation to a lady in a public ball-room, for the mere purpose +of dancing, does not entitle you to claim her acquaintance afterwards; +therefore, should you meet her, at most you may lift your hat; but even +that is better avoided--unless, indeed, she first bow--as neither she +nor her friends can know who or _what_ you are. + +In inviting a lady to dance with you, the words, "Will you _honor_ me +with your hand for a quadrille?" or, "Shall I have the _honor_ of +dancing this set with you?" are more used now than "Shall I have the +_pleasure_?" or, "Will you give me the _pleasure_ of dancing with you?" + +If she answers that she is engaged, merely request her to name the +earliest dance for which she is _not_ engaged, and when she will do you +the honor of dancing with you. + +When a young lady declines dancing with a gentleman, it is her duty to +give him a reason why, although some thoughtless ones do not. No matter +how frivolous it may be, it is simply an act of courtesy to offer him an +excuse; while, on the other hand, no gentleman ought so far to +compromise his self-respect as to take the slightest offence at seeing a +lady by whom he has just been refused, dance immediately after with some +one else. + +Never wait until the signal is given to take a partner, for nothing is +more impolite than to invite a lady hastily, and when the dancers are +already in their places; it can be allowed only when the set is +incomplete. + +Be very careful not to forget an engagement. It is an unpardonable +breach of politeness to ask a lady to dance with you, and neglect to +remind her of her promise when the time to redeem it comes. + +If a friend be engaged when you request her to dance, and she promises +to be your partner for the next or any of the following dances, do not +neglect her when the time comes, but be in readiness to fulfill your +office as her cavalier, or she may think that you have studiously +slighted her, besides preventing her obliging some one else. Even +inattention and forgetfulness, by showing how little you care for a +lady, form in themselves a tacit insult. + +In a quadrille, or other dance, while awaiting the music, or while +unengaged, a lady and gentleman should avoid long conversations, as they +are apt to interfere with the progress of the dance; while, on the other +hand, a gentleman should not stand like an automaton, as though he were +afraid of his partner, but endeavor to render himself agreeable by those +"airy nothings" which amuse for the moment, and are in harmony with the +occasion. + +The customary honors of a bow and courtesy should be given at the +commencement and conclusion of each dance. + +Lead the lady through the quadrille; do not _drag_ her, nor clasp her +hand as if it were made of wood, lest she, not unjustly, think you a +bear. + +You will not, if you are wise, stand up in a quadrille without knowing +something of the figure; and if you are master of a few of the steps, +_so much the better_. But dance quietly; do not kick and caper about, +nor sway your body to and fro; dance only _from the hips downwards_; and +lead the lady as lightly as you would tread a measure with a spirit of +gossamer. + +Do not pride yourself on doing the "steps neatly," unless you are +ambitious of being taken for a dancing-master; between whose motions and +those of a _gentleman_ there is a great difference. + +Unless a man has a very graceful figure, and can use it with great +elegance, it is better for him to _walk_ through the quadrilles, or +invent some gliding movement for the occasion. + +When a lady is standing in a quadrille, though not engaged in dancing, a +gentleman not acquainted with her partner should not converse with her. + +When an unpracticed dancer makes a mistake, we may apprise him of his +error; but it would be very impolite to have the air of giving him a +lesson. + +Immediate attention should be paid to any request made by the Master of +Ceremonies, and all misunderstandings respecting the dance should be +referred to him, his decision being deemed final. Otherwise his +superintendence of the ball will be attended with great inconvenience. + +When forming for quadrilles, if by any oversight you should accidentally +occupy another couple's place, on being informed of the intrusion, you +should immediately apologize to the incommoded party, and secure another +position. + +Contending for a position in quadrilles, at either head or sides, +indicates an irritable and quarrelsome disposition altogether unsuited +for an occasion where all should meet with kindly feelings. + +When a company is divided into different sets, persons should not +attempt to change their places without permission from the Master of +Ceremonies. + +No persons engaged in a quadrille or other dance that requires their +assistance to complete the set, should leave the room or sit down before +the dance is finished, unless on a very urgent occasion, and not even +then without previously informing the Master of Ceremonies, that he may +find substitutes. + +If a lady waltz with you, beware not to press her waist; you must only +lightly touch it with the palm of your hand, lest you leave a +disagreeable impression not only on her _ceinture_, but on her mind. + +Above all, do not be prone to quarrel in a ball-room; it disturbs the +harmony of the company, and should be avoided if possible. Recollect +that a thousand little derelictions from strict propriety may occur +through the ignorance or stupidity of the aggressor, and not from any +intention to annoy; remember, also, that the _really well-bred women_ +will not thank you for making them conspicuous by over-officiousness in +their defence, unless, indeed, there be some serious or glaring +violation of decorum. In small matters, ladies are both able and willing +to take care of themselves, and would prefer being allowed to overwhelm +the unlucky offender in their own way. + +When a gentleman has occasion to pass through an assemblage of ladies, +where it is absolutely impossible to make his way without disturbing +them; or when he is obliged to go in front, because he cannot get behind +them, it is but common courtesy for him to express his regret at being +compelled to annoy them. + +A gentleman having two ladies in charge may, in the absence of friends, +address a stranger, and offer him a partner, asking his name previous to +an introduction, and mentioning that of the lady to him or not, as he +may think proper. + +It is improper to engage or reengage a lady to dance without the +permission of her partner. + +Never forget that ladies are to be first cared for, to have the best +seats, the places of distinction, and are entitled in all cases to your +courteous protection. + +Young ladies should avoid sauntering through an assembly-room alone; +they should either be accompanied by their guardian or a gentleman. + +Neither married nor young ladies should leave a ball-room assemblage, or +other party, unattended. The former should be accompanied by other +married ladies, and the latter by their mother or guardian. Of course, a +gentleman is a sufficient companion for either. + +Young ladies should avoid attempting to take part in a dance, +particularly a quadrille, unless they are familiar with the figures. +Besides rendering themselves awkward and confused, they are apt to +create ill-feeling, by interfering with, and annoying others. It were +better for them to forego the gratification of dancing than to risk the +chances of making themselves conspicuous, and the subject of +animadversion. As we have elsewhere said, modesty of deportment should +be the shining and preeminent characteristic of woman. She should be +modest in her attire, in language, in manners and general demeanor. +Beauty becomes irresistible when allied to this lodestone of attraction; +plainness of features is overlooked by it; even positive homeliness is +rendered agreeable by its influence. + +When a gentleman escorts a lady to a ball, he should dance with _her_ +first, or offer so to do; and it should be his care to see that she is +provided with a partner whenever she desires to dance. + +After dancing, a gentleman should invariably conduct a lady to a seat, +unless she otherwise desires; and, in fact, a lady should not be +unattended, at any time, in a public assembly. + +When you conduct your partner to her seat, thank her for the pleasure +she has conferred upon you, and do not remain too long conversing with +her. + +When that long and anxiously desiderated hour, the hour of supper, has +arrived, you hand the lady you attend up or down to the supper-table. +You remain with her while she is at the table, seeing that she has all +that she desires, and then conduct her back to the dancing-rooms. + +If, while walking up and down a public promenade, you should meet +friends or acquaintances whom you don't intend to join, it is only +necessary to salute them the first time of passing; to bow or nod to +them at every round would be tiresome, and therefore improper; have no +fear that they will deem you odd or unfriendly, as, if they have any +sense at all, they can appreciate your reasons. If you have anything to +say to them, join them at once. + +We have already alluded to the necessity of discarding all cant terms +and phrases from conversation, not only in assembly-rooms, but on all +occasions; and we would particularly caution our young lady friends +against even the recognition of those _equivoques_ and _double entendre_ +which the other sex sometimes inconsiderately, but oftener determinedly, +introduce. + +Neither by smiles nor blushes should they betray any knowledge of the +hidden meaning that lurks within a phrase of doubtful import, nor seem +to recognize anything which they could not with propriety openly make a +subject of discourse. All indelicate expressions should be to them as +the Sanscrit language is to most people, incomprehensible. All wanton +glances and grimaces, which are by libertines considered as but so many +invitations to lewdness, should be strictly shunned. + +No lady can be too fastidious in her conduct, or too guarded in her +actions. A bad reputation is almost as destructive of happiness to her +as absolute guilt; and of her character we may say with the poet: + + "A breath can make them, or a breath unmake." + +In dancing, generally, the performers of both sexes should endeavor to +wear a pleasant countenance; and in presenting hands, a slight +inclination of the head, in the manner of a salutation, is appropriate +and becoming. Dancing is certainly supposed to be an enjoyment, but the +sombre countenance of some who engage in it, might almost lead to the +belief that it were a solemn duty being performed. If those who laugh in +church would transfer their merriment to the assembly-room, and those +who are sad in the assembly-room would carry their gravity to the +church, they both might discover the appositeness of Solomon's +declaration, that "there is a time to be merry and a time to be sad." + +We have already alluded to the importance of a correct use of language +in conversation, and though we are aware that it is absolutely +impossible to practice it without a certain degree of education, yet we +would urge that the habit which many acquire, more through carelessness +than ignorance, of disregarding it, is worthy of consideration. Many a +young lady has lost a future husband by a wanton contempt for the rules +of Lindley Murray. + +Though hardly a case in point, we cannot forego the opportunity of +recording an incident in the career of a young man "about town," who, +anxious to see life in all its phases, was induced to attend a public +ball, the patrons of which were characterized more for their peculiarity +of manners than their extraordinary refinement. On being solicited by +an acquaintance, whom he respected for his kindness of heart and +integrity rather than for his mental accomplishments, to dance with his +daughter, he consented, and was accordingly introduced to a very +beautiful young lady. Ere the dance commenced, and while the musicians +were performing the "Anvil Chorus," from "Trovatore," the young lady +asked: "Do you know what that _'ere_ is?" + +Supposing that she meant _air_, and wishing to give her an opportunity +of making herself happy in the thought of imparting a valuable piece of +information, in utter disregard of the principles of Mrs. Opie, he +replied, "No." "Why," said she, "that's the Anvel Core-ri-ous." + +With an expletive more profane than polite, he suddenly found his +admiration for the lady as much diminished by her ignorance, as it had +before been exalted by her beauty. + +At private assemblies, it should be the effort of both ladies and +gentlemen to render themselves as agreeable as possible to all parties. +With this purpose in view, the latter should, therefore, avoid showing +marked preferences to particular ladies, either by devoting their +undivided attentions or dancing exclusively with them. Too often, the +belle of the evening, with no other charms than beauty of form and +feature, monopolizes the regards of a circle of admirers, while modest +merit, of less personal attraction, is both overlooked and neglected. We +honor the generous conduct of those, particularly the "well-favored," +who bestow their attentions on ladies who, from conscious lack of +beauty, least expect them. + +On the other hand, no lady, however numerous the solicitations of her +admirers, should consent to dance repeatedly, when, by so doing, she +excludes other ladies from participating in the same amusement; still +less, as we have elsewhere hinted, should she dance exclusively with +the same gentleman, to the disadvantage of others. + +Both ladies and gentlemen should be careful about introducing persons to +each other without being first satisfied that such a course will be +mutually agreeable. + +The custom, in this country, particularly among gentlemen, of +indiscriminate introductions, is carried to such a ridiculous extent, +that it has often been made the subject of comment by foreigners, who +can discover no possible advantage in being made acquainted with others +with whom they are not likely to associate for three minutes, in whom +they take not the slightest interest, and whom they probably will never +again encounter, nor recognize if they should. Besides, every one has a +right to exercise his own judgment and taste in the selection of +acquaintances, and it is clearly a breach of politeness to thrust them +upon your friend or associate, without knowing whether it will be +agreeable to either party. + + + + +EVENING PARTIES. + + +The etiquette of the ball-room being disposed of, let us now enter +slightly into that of an evening party. + +The invitations issued and accepted for an evening party will be written +in the same style as those already described for a dinner-party. They +should be sent out _at least_ three weeks before the day fixed for the +event, and should be replied to within a week of their receipt, +accepting or declining with regrets. By attending to these courtesies, +the guests will have time to consider their engagements and prepare +their dresses, and the hostess will also know what will be the number of +her party. + +A lady, invited to an evening party, may request a gentleman to +accompany her, even though he may not have received an invitation from +the hostess. + +In most of the American cities nine o'clock is the hour which custom has +established as the time for the lady to be in her parlor, ready to +receive her guests, and by ten o'clock all the guests should arrive. It +is an affectation, not entirely devoid of assumption and impudence, for +people to purposely delay their appearance till a very late hour. + +As the ladies and gentlemen arrive, each should be shown to a room +exclusively provided for their reception; and the gentleman conducts the +lady in his charge to the door of the ladies' dressing-room, while he +goes to the gentlemen's apartment, each to prepare their toilet +suitably to entering the reception-room. + +In the room set apart for the ladies, attendants should be in waiting to +assist in uncloaking, and helping to arrange the hair and toilet of +those who require it. + +After completing her toilet, the lady waits at the door of her +dressing-room till the gentleman joins her, and they make their _entree_ +together. + +In large and formal parties, it is generally customary for the servant +to announce the names of the guests as they enter the room, but this is +a ceremony well enough dispensed with, except on occasions of very large +and formal parties. + +It is the business of the lady of the house to be near the door to +receive her guests; if she is not there, you need not go hunting through +the crowd after her. + +As the guests enter the room, it is not necessary for the lady of the +house to advance each time toward the door, but merely to rise from her +seat to receive their courtesies and congratulations. If, indeed, the +hostess wishes to show particular favor to some peculiarly honored +guests, she may introduce them to others, whose acquaintance she may +imagine will be especially suitable and agreeable. + +It is very often the practice of the gentleman of the house to introduce +one gentleman to another, but occasionally the lady performs this +office; when it will, of course, be polite for the persons thus +introduced to take their seats together for the time being. + +When entering a private ball or party, the visitor should invariably bow +to the company. No well-bred person would omit this courtesy in entering +a drawing-room; and although the entrance to a large assembly may be +unnoticed by all present, its observance is not the less necessary. It +is the thoughtless absence of good manners in large and mixed companies, +where a greater degree of studied politeness is indispensable, that +renders them sometimes so unpleasant. + +A separate room or convenient buffet should be appropriated for +refreshments, and to which the dancers may retire; and cakes and +biscuits, with lemonade, handed round. + +Of course a supper is provided at all private parties; and this +requires, on the part of the hostess, a great deal of attention and +supervision. It usually takes place between the first and second parts +of the programme of the dances, of which there should be several +prettily written or printed copies distributed about the room. + +It will be well for the hostess, even if she be very partial to the +amusement, and a graceful dancer, not to participate in it to any great +extent, lest her lady guests should have occasion to complain of her +monopoly of the gentlemen, and other causes of neglect. + +A few dances will suffice to show her interest in the entertainment, +without unduly trenching on the attention due to her guests. + +The hostess or host, during the progress of a party, will courteously +accost and chat with their friends, and take care that the ladies are +furnished with seats, and that those who wish to dance are provided with +partners. A gentle hint from the hostess, conveyed in a quiet ladylike +manner, that certain ladies have remained unengaged during several +dances, is sure not to be neglected by any gentleman. Thus will be +studied the comfort and enjoyment of the guests, and no lady, in leaving +the house, will be able to feel the chagrin and disappointment of not +having been invited to "stand up" in a dance during the whole evening. + +For any of the members, either sons or daughters, of the family at whose +house the party is given, to dance frequently or constantly, denotes +decided ill-breeding. The ladies of the house should not occupy those +places in a quadrille which others may wish to fill, and they should, +moreover, be at leisure to attend to the rest of the company; and the +gentlemen should be entertaining the married ladies and those who do not +dance. + +In private parties, a lady is not to refuse the invitation of a +gentleman to dance, unless she be previously engaged. The hostess must +be supposed to have asked to her house only those persons whom she knows +to be perfectly respectable and of unblemished character, as well as +pretty equal in position; and thus, to decline the offer of any +gentleman present, would be a tacit reflection on the gentleman or lady +of the house. + +If one lady refuses you, do not ask another who is seated near her to +dance the same set. Do not go immediately to another lady, but chat a +few moments with the one whom you first invited, and then join a group +or gentlemen friends for a few moments, before seeking another partner. + +In private parties, where dancing is the chief part of the evening's +entertainment, it is not in conformity with the rules of etiquette for a +young lady to dance with one gentleman repeatedly, to the exclusion of +all others who may solicit her hand, even though the favored individual +be her suitor. However complimentary to the lady, to be the recipient of +a gentleman's undivided attentions, or however gratifying it may be for +him to manifest his devotion to the lady of his choice, such a course is +an exhibition of selfishness which ought not to be displayed in an +assemblage of ladies and gentlemen who have congregated for mutual +enjoyment. + +It is not considered _comme il faut_ to ask a married lady to dance, +when her husband is present, without previously ascertaining whether it +be agreeable to him. + +Gentlemen will not get together in groups to the neglect of the ladies. + +The members of an invited family should never be seen conversing with +each other at a party. + +If you accompany your wife to a dancing party, be careful not to dance +with her, except perhaps the first set. + +Where there are no programmes, engagements should not be made until the +dance is announced. + +When the dance is over, the gentleman conducts his partner to her seat; +and, unless he chooses to sit beside her, bows and withdraws. + +While dancing, a lady should consider herself engaged to her partner, +and therefore not at liberty to hold a flirtation, between the figures, +with another gentleman; and should recollect that it is the gentleman's +part to lead her, and hers to follow his directions. + +In a circle, we should not pass before a lady; neither should we present +anything by extending the arm over her, but pass round behind and +present it. In case we cannot do it, we say, _I ask your pardon, etc_. + +In ascending a staircase with ladies, go at their side or before them. + +A correct ear for music does not pertain to every one, and those who are +deficient in this respect should refrain from dancing. Let not the +unpracticed dancer attempt quadrilles. A novice necessarily perplexes +and annoys a partner. On the other hand, nowhere perhaps has a kindly +disposition more pleasing opportunities of conferring small benefits +than in a ball-room. Those who are expert in dancing may gently apprise +the unskillful of an error, and this without giving the slightest +offense, or seeming to dictate; while such as dance well, and are +solicited to dance, should carefully avoid speaking of it. They ought +rather to seek to contribute to less fortunate persons a full share in +the evening's amusement. A lady may do this by gently hinting to a +gentleman who solicits her hand for another dance, that such a lady has +remained unengaged. No gentleman will neglect such a suggestion. + +There is a custom which is sometimes practiced both in the assembly room +and at private parties, which cannot be too strongly reprehended; we +allude to the habit of ridicule and ungenerous criticism of those who +are ungraceful or otherwise obnoxious to censure, which is indulged in +by the thoughtless, particularly among the dancers. Of its gross +impropriety and vulgarity we need hardly express an opinion; but there +is such an utter disregard for the feelings of others implied in this +kind of negative censorship, that we cannot forbear to warn our young +readers to avoid it. The "Koran" says: "Do not mock--the mocked may be +better than the mocker." Those you condemn may not have had the same +advantages as yourself in acquiring grace or dignity, while they may be +infinitely superior in purity of heart and mental accomplishments. The +advice of Chesterfield to his son, in his commerce with society, to _do +as you would be done by_, is founded on the Christian precept, and +worthy of commendation. Imagine yourself the victim of another's +ridicule, and you will cease to indulge in a pastime which only gains +for you the hatred of those you satirize, if they chance to observe you, +and the contempt of others who have noticed your violation of +politeness, and abuse of true sociality. + +We conclude our strictures on this subject with the following passage +from the essays of Addison: "But what an absurd thing it is, to pass +over all the valuable characteristics of individuals, and fix our +attention on their infirmities--to observe their imperfections more than +their virtues--and to make use of them for the sport of others, rather +than for our own improvement." + +In whatever relation with the fair sex, and under whatsoever +circumstances, it is the duty--we may add, the practice--of a gentleman +to so deport himself as to avoid giving any cause of offense. + +In private parties, where people meet for the pleasure of conversation, +remember occasionally to change your place. Opportunities will readily +occur, such, for instance, as the opening of a portfolio of prints, or +the showing of any article of taste or science. You will thus avoid the +awkwardness of being either left alone, or constraining the master or +mistress of the house to commiserate your isolated condition. + +If you are asked by the lady of the house, at an evening party, to sing, +and you can really do so well, comply at once; but never sing at the +request of another person. If you cannot or do not choose to sing, say +so at once with seriousness and gravity, and put an end to the +expectation promptly. After singing once or twice, cease and give place +to others. + +When singing or playing is going on, if you have no taste for music, you +should still be profoundly silent. To converse, is annoying to the rest +of the company, rude to the mistress of the house, and cruel to the +performer. + +Carefully avoid all peculiarities of manner; and every wish to show off, +or to absorb conversation to yourself. Be also very careful not to +appear to be wiser than the company. If a fact in history is mentioned, +even if it be not quite correct, do not set the narrator right, unless +in a very delicate and submissive manner. If an engraving of distant +scenery or foreign buildings is shown, do not industriously point out +inaccuracies. It may be that such occur, but finding fault is never +acceptable; it conveys a censure on the taste or information of the +possessor; or it suggests that he has been imposed upon--an idea which +is always productive of mortification. Such attempts to appear wiser +than the rest of the company, interfere with the pleasure of the party, +and the person who falls into them is never long acceptable. + +People sometimes say, that they are not invited to parties; they +complain of neglect, and are out of humor with the world. Let such +persons consider whether they have not brought upon themselves the +neglect which they deplore. + +Should the guests be numerous, and the space scarcely sufficient for +their accommodation, it would be considered extremely ill-bred to take a +place previously engaged; or, when joining a country dance, to push in +at the middle or upper end. You must take your station below the last +couple who are standing up. + +If there be a supper, the gentleman should conduct to the supper-room +his last partner, unless he have a prior engagement, or is asked by the +host to do otherwise. In the latter case, he should provide his partner +with a substitute, at the same time making a handsome apology. + +No gentleman should offer his services to conduct a lady home, without +being acquainted with her, unless he have been requested so to do by the +host. + +When any of the carriages of the guests are announced, or the time for +their departure arrived, they should make a slight intimation to the +hostess, without, however, exciting any observation, that they are about +to depart. If this cannot be done without creating too much bustle, it +will be better for the visitors to retire quietly without saying +good-night, for when people are seen to be leaving, it often breaks up +the party. An opportunity, however, may previously be sought of +intimating to the hostess your intention to retire, which is more +respectful. + +During the course of the week, the hostess will expect to receive from +every guest a call, where it is possible, or cards expressing the +gratification experienced from her entertainment. This attention is due +to every lady for the pains and trouble she has been at, and tends to +promote social, kindly feelings. + + + + +VISITING. + + +Next in order to the ceremonials of dinner or evening parties, are +customary calls, comprised under the general head of visiting. They are +those of ceremony, friendship, or condolence, and occupy no small +portion of time. + +Such visits are necessary, in order to maintain good feeling between the +members of society; they are required by the custom of the age in which +we live, and must be carefully attended to. + +First, then, are visits of ceremony, merging occasionally into those of +friendship, but uniformly required after dining at a friend's house. +Professional men are not however, in general, expected to pay such +visits, because their time is preoccupied; but they form almost the only +exception. + +Visits of ceremony must be necessarily short. They should on no account +be made before the hour, nor yet during the time of luncheon. Persons +who intrude themselves at unwonted hours are never welcome; the lady of +the house does not like to be disturbed when she is perhaps dining with +her children; and the servants justly complain of being interrupted at +the hour when they assemble for their noon-day meal. Ascertain, +therefore, which you can readily do, what is the family hour for +luncheon, and act accordingly. + +Half an hour amply suffices for a visit of ceremony. If the visitor be a +lady, she may remove her victorine, but on no account either the shawl +or bonnet, even if politely requested to do so by the mistress of the +house. Some trouble is necessarily required in replacing them, and this +ought to be avoided. If, however, your visit of ceremony is to a +particular friend, the case is different; but even then, it is best to +wait till you are invited to do so; and when you rise for the purpose +the lady of the house will assist you. + +Favorite dogs are never welcome visitors in a drawing-room. Many people +have even a dislike to such animals. They require watching, lest they +should leap upon a chair or sofa, or place themselves upon a lady's +dress, and attentions of this kind are much out of place. Neither ought +a mother, when paying a ceremonial visit, to be accompanied by young +children. It is frequently difficult to amuse them, and, if not +particularly well trained at home, they naturally seize hold of books, +or those ornaments with which it is fashionable to decorate a +drawing-room. The lady of the house trembles for the fate of a beautiful +shell, or vase, or costly book. She does not like to express her +uneasiness, and yet knows not how to refrain. Therefore leave the +children at home; or, if they accompany you in the carriage, let them +remain till your visit is over. If you have an infant, the nurse may +await your return, or be left in an ante-room, unless a decided request +be made to the contrary. + +If during your short visit the conversation begins to flag, it will be +best to retire. The lady of the house may have some engagement at a +fixed hour, and by remaining even a few minutes longer, she may be put +to serious inconvenience. Do not, however, seem to notice any silent +hint, by rising hastily; but take leave with quiet politeness, as if +your time were fully expired. When other visitors are announced, retire +as soon as possible, and yet without letting it appear that their +arrival is the cause. Wait till the bustle of their entrance is over, +and then rise from your chair, take leave of the hostess, and bow +politely to the guests. By so doing you will save the lady of the house +from being obliged to entertain two sets of visitors. + +Should you call by chance at an inconvenient hour, when perhaps the lady +is going out, or sitting down to luncheon, retire as soon as possible, +even if politely asked to remain. You need not let it appear that you +feel yourself an intruder; every well-bred or even good-tempered person +knows what to say on such an occasion; but politely withdraw, with a +promise to call again, if the lady seems to be really disappointed. + +If your acquaintance or friend is from home, leave a card,[1] whether +you call in a carriage or not. If in the latter, the servant will answer +your inquiry, and receive your card; but on no account ask leave to go +in and rest; neither urge your wish if you fancy that the lady whom you +desire to see is really at home, or even if you flatter yourself that +she would make an exception in your favor. Some people think that the +form of words, "Not at home," is readily understood to mean that the +master or mistress of the house have no wish to see even his or her most +intimate friends. However this may be, take care that you do not attempt +to effect an entrance. + + [1] When the caller is about to leave the city for a protracted + absence, it is usual to put the letters P. P. C. in the left + hand corner of the card; they are the initials of the French + phrase, "_pour prendre conge_"--to take leave, and may with + equal propriety stand for _presents parting compliments_. + +Visits of courtesy or ceremony are uniformly paid at Christmas, or at +the commencement of a new year, independently of family parties; a good +old custom, the observance of which is always pleasing, and which should +be carefully attended to. It is uniformly right to call on patrons, or +those from whom kindness has been received. + +In visiting your intimate friends, ceremony may generally be dispensed +with. + +Keep a strict account of your ceremonial visits. This is needful, +because time passes rapidly; and take note how soon your calls are +returned. You will thus be able, in most cases, to form an opinion +whether or not your frequent visits are desired. Instances may however +occur, when, in consequence of age or ill health, it is desirable that +you should call, without any reference to your visits being returned. +When desirous to act thus, remember that, if possible, nothing should +interrupt the discharge of this duty. + +Among relations and intimate friends, visits of mere ceremony are +unnecessary. It is, however, needful to call at suitable times, and to +avoid staying too long if your friend is engaged. The courtesies of +society, as already noticed, must ever be maintained, even in the +domestic circle, or among the nearest friends. + +In leaving cards you must thus distribute them: one for the lady of the +house and her daughters--the latter are sometimes represented by turning +up the edge of the card--one for the master of the house, and if there +be a grown up son or a near male relation staying in the house, one for +him. But though cards are cheap, you must never leave more than three at +a time at the same house. As married men have, or are supposed to have, +too much to do to make ceremonial calls, it is the custom for a wife to +take her husband's cards with her and to leave one or two of them with +her own. If, on your inquiring for the lady of the house, the servant +replies, "Mrs. So-and-so is not at home, but Miss So-and-so is," you +should leave a card, because young ladies do not receive calls from +gentlemen unless they are very intimate with them, or have passed the +rubicon of thirty summers. It must be remembered, too, that where there +is a lady of the house, your call is to her, not to her husband, except +on business. + +Morning calls may be divided into three heads: Those paid at the time +already specified; weekly visits to intimate friends, or by young +persons to those advanced in life; and monthly visits, which are +generally ceremonious. + +With respect to the first, be very careful that you do not acquire the +character of a _day goblin_. A day goblin is one of those persons who, +having plenty of leisure, and a great desire to hear themselves talk, +make frequent inroads into their friends' houses. Though perhaps well +acquainted with the rules of etiquette, they call at the most +unseasonable hours. If the habits of the family are early, you will find +them in the drawing-room at eleven o'clock. It may be they are agreeable +and well-informed people; but who wishes for calls at such a strange +hour! Most families have their rules and occupations. In one, the lady +of the house attends to the education of her children; in another, +domestic affairs engross a portion of the morning; some ladies are fond +of gardening, others of music or painting. It is past endurance to have +such pursuits broken in upon for the sake of a day goblin, who, having +gained access, inflicts his or her presence till nearly luncheon time, +and then goes off with saying, "Well, I have paid you a long visit;" or +"I hope that I have not stayed too long." + +A well-bred person always receives visitors at whatever time they may +call, or whoever they may be; but if you are occupied and cannot afford +to be interrupted by a mere ceremony, you should instruct the servant +_beforehand_ to say that you are "not at home." This form has often been +denounced as a falsehood, but a lie is no lie unless intended to +deceive; and since the words are universally understood to mean that you +are engaged, it can be no harm to give such an order to a servant. But, +on the other hand, if the servant once admits a visitor within the +hall, you should receive him at any inconvenience to yourself. A lady +should never keep a visitor waiting more than a minute, or two at the +most, and if she cannot avoid doing so, must apologize on entering the +drawing-room. + +In good society, a visitor, unless he is a complete stranger, does not +wait to be invited to sit down, but takes a seat at once easily. A +gentleman should never take the principal place in the room, nor, on the +other hand, sit at an inconvenient distance from the lady of the house. +He must hold his hat gracefully, not put it on a chair or table, or, if +he wants to use both hands, must place it on the floor close to his +chair. A well-bred lady, who is receiving two or three visitors at a +time, pays equal attention to all, and attempts, as much as possible, to +generalize the conversation, turning to all in succession. The last +arrival, however, receives a little more attention at first than the +others, and the latter, to spare her embarrasment, should leave as soon +as convenient. People who out-sit two or three parties of visitors, +unless they have some particular motive for doing so, come under the +denomination of "bores." A "bore" is a person who does not know when you +have had enough of his or her company. + +Be cautious how you take an intimate friend _uninvited_ even to the +house of those with whom you may be equally intimate, as there is always +a feeling of jealousy that another should share your thoughts and +feelings to the same extent as themselves, although good breeding will +induce them to behave _civilly_ to your friend on your account. + +Ladies in the present day are allowed considerable license in paying and +receiving visits; subject, however, to certain rules, which it is +needful to define. + +Young married ladies may visit their acquaintances alone; but they may +not appear in any public places unattended by their husbands or elder +ladies. This rule must never be infringed, whether as regards +exhibitions, or public libraries, museums, or promenades; but a young +married lady is at liberty to walk with her friends of the same age, +whether married or single. Gentlemen are permitted to call on married +ladies at their own houses. Such calls the usages of society permit, but +never without the knowledge and full permission of husbands. + +Ladies may walk unattended in the streets, being careful to pass on as +becomes their station--neither with a hurried pace, nor yet affecting to +move slowly. Shop-windows, in New York especially, afford great +attractions; but it is by no means desirable to be seen standing before +them, and most assuredly not alone. Be careful never to look back, nor +to observe too narrowly the dresses of such ladies as may pass you. +Should any one venture to address you, take no heed, seem not to hear, +but hasten your steps. Be careful to reach home in good time. Let +nothing ever induce you to be out after dusk, or when the lamps are +lighted. Nothing but unavoidable necessity can sanction such acts of +impropriety. + +Lastly, a lady never calls on a gentleman, unless professionally or +officially. It is not only ill-bred, but positively improper to do so. +At the same time, there is a certain privilege in age, which makes it +possible for an old bachelor like myself to receive a visit from any +married lady whom I know very intimately, but such a call would +certainly not be one of ceremony, and always presupposes a desire to +consult me on some point or other. I should be guilty of shameful +treachery, however, if I told any one that I had received such a visit, +while I should certainly expect that my fair caller would let her +husband know of it. + +When morning visitors are announced, rise and advance toward them. If a +lady enters, request her to be seated on a sofa; but if advanced in +life, or the visitor be an elderly gentleman, insist on their accepting +an easy chair, and place yourself, by them. If several ladies arrive at +the same time, pay due respect to age and rank, and seat them in the +most honorable places; these, in winter, are beside the fire. + +Supposing that a young lady occupies such a seat, and a lady older than +herself, or superior in condition, enters the room, she must rise +immediately, and having courteously offered her place to the new comer, +take another in a different part of the room. + +If a lady is engaged with her needle when a visitor arrives, she ought +to discontinue her work, unless requested to do otherwise: and not even +then must it be resumed, unless on very intimate terms with her +acquaintance. When this, however, is the case, the hostess may herself +request permission to do so. To continue working during a visit of +ceremony would be extremely discourteous; and we cannot avoid hinting to +our lady readers, that even when a particular friend is present for only +a short time, it is somewhat inconsistent with etiquette to keep their +eyes fixed on a crochet or knitting-book, apparently engaged in counting +stitches, or unfolding the intricacies of a pattern. We have seen this +done, and are, therefore, careful to warn them on the subject. There are +many kinds of light and elegant, and even useful work, which do not +require close attention, and may be profitably pursued; and such we +recommend to be always on the work-table at those hours which, according +to established practice, are given to social intercourse. + +It is generally customary in the country to offer refreshment to morning +visitors. If they come from a considerable distance, and are on intimate +terms, hospitality requires that you should invite them to take +luncheon. In town it is otherwise, and you are not expected to render +any courtesy of the kind, except to aged or feeble persons, or to some +one who, perhaps, is in affliction, and to whom the utmost kindliness +should be shown. + +When your visitor is about to take leave, rise, and accompany her to the +door, mindful, at the same time, that the bell is rung, in order that a +servant may be in attendance. If the master of the house is present, and +a lady is just going away, he must offer her his arm, and lead her to +the hall or passage door. If her carriage be in waiting, he will, of +course, hand her into it. These attentions are slight, and some persons +may think they are scarcely worth noticing. Nevertheless, they are +important, and we are the more earnest to press them on the attention of +our readers, because we have witnessed the omission of such acts of +courtesy in families where a very different mode of conduct might be +expected. + +And here, turning aside for a brief space from the subject-matter of our +discourse, we desire earnestly to impress upon mothers who have sons +growing up, the great importance of early imbuing them with the +principles of true politeness, and consequent attention to its most +trifling observances. What matters it if a tall lad pushes into a room +before one of his mother's visitors; or, if he chance to see her going +into church, instead of holding the door in a gentlemanly manner, he +lets it swing in her face when he has himself entered; or whether he +comes into the drawing-room with his hat on, unobservant of lady +visitors, or lolls in an arm-chair reading the newspaper? + +"What signifies it?" some will say--"why tease a youth about such +matters? He will learn manners as he grows up." We think otherwise, and +do not scruple to affirm, that he can never learn real gentlemanly +politeness from any one but his mother. The neglect of small courtesies +in early life, and the outward or mental boorishness to which it leads, +has been, to our certain knowledge, a more fruitful source of +wretchedness in many homes, than we have either time or inclination to +relate. + +In this changing world, visits of condolence must be also occasionally +paid; and concerning such, a few necessary rules may be briefly stated. + +Visits of condolence should be paid within a week after the event which +occasions them; but if the acquaintance be slight, immediately after the +family appear at public worship. A card should be sent up; and if your +friends are able to receive you, let your manners and conversation be in +harmony with the character of your visit. It is courteous to send up a +mourning card; and for ladies to make their calls in black silk or +plain-colored apparel. It denotes that they sympathize with the +afflictions of the family; and such attentions are always pleasing. + +Gentlemen will do well to bear in mind that, when they pay morning +calls, they must carry their hats with them into the drawing-room; but +on no account put them on the chairs or table. There is a graceful +manner of holding a hat, which every well-bred man understands. + +When calling upon a friend who is boarding, do not go up till the +servant returns with an invitation; and never enter a room without +previously knocking at the door, and receiving an invitation to come in. +Such observances are indispensable, even between the nearest friends. + +A gentleman when calling upon a lady, and finding that one of her lady +friends is with her, must rise when the visitor takes her leave, and +accompany her to the hall door; or if she has a carriage, he should hand +her into it--supposing, however, that no gentleman related to the +mistress of the house be present. If your visit has been of sufficient +length, you can take your leave when accompanying the lady out of the +room. + +It happens occasionally that two persons are visiting different members +of the same family. When this occurs, and one visitor takes leave, the +lady or gentleman whose visitor has just left should remain in the +drawing-room. It is considered discourteous to do otherwise. + +In most families in this country, evening calls are the most usual. +Should you chance to visit a family, and find that they have a party, +present yourself, and converse for a few minutes with an unembarrassed +air; after which you may retire, unless urged to remain. A slight +invitation, given for the sake of courtesy, ought not to be accepted. +Make no apology for your unintentional intrusion; but let it be known, +in the course of a few days, that you were not aware that your friends +had company. + +An excellent custom prevails in some families of inviting their guests +for a given period. Thus, for example, an invitation is sent, stating +that a friend's company is requested on a certain day, mentioning also +for what length of time, and if a carriage cannot be offered to meet the +visitor, stating expressly the best mode of coming and going. We +recommend this admirable plan to the master and mistress of every +dwelling which is sufficiently capacious to admit of receiving an +occasional guest. A young lady is perhaps invited to spend a little time +in the country, but she cannot possibly understand whether the +invitation extends to a few days, or a week, or a month, and +consequently is much puzzled with regard to the arrangement of her +wardrobe. Domestic consultations are held; the letter is read over and +over again; every one gives a different opinion, and when the visit is +entered upon, somewhat of its pleasure is marred through the +embarrassment occasioned by not knowing when to propose taking leave. + +In receiving guests, your first object should be to make them feel at +home. Begging them to make themselves at home is not sufficient. You +should display a genuine unaffected friendliness. Whether you are +mistress of a mansion or a cottage, and invite a friend to share your +hospitality, you must endeavor, by every possible means, to render the +visit agreeable. This should be done without apparent effort, that the +visitor may feel herself to be a partaker in your home enjoyments, +instead of finding that you put yourself out of the way to procure +extraneous pleasures. It is right and proper that you seek to make the +time pass lightly; but if, on the other hand, you let a visitor perceive +that the whole tenor of your daily concerns is altered on her account, a +degree of depression will be felt, and the pleasant anticipations which +she most probably entertained will fail to be realized. Let your friend +be assured, from your manner, that her presence is a real enjoyment to +you--an incentive to recreations which otherwise would not be thought of +in the common routine of life. Observe your own feelings when you happen +to be the guest of a person who, though he may be very much your friend, +and really glad to see you, seems not to know what to do either with you +or himself; and again, when in the house of another you feel as much at +ease as in your own. Mark the difference, more easily felt than +described, between the manners of the two, and deduce therefrom a lesson +for your own improvement. + +If you have guests in your house, you are to appear to feel that they +are all equal for the time, for they all have an equal claim upon your +courtesies. Those of the humblest condition will receive _full as much +attention_ as the rest, in order that you shall not painfully make them +feel their inferiority. + +Always avoid the foolish practice of deprecating your own rooms, +furniture, or viands, and expressing regrets that you have nothing +better to offer. Neither should you go to the other extreme of extolling +any particular thing or article of food. The best way is to say nothing +about these matters. Neither is it proper to urge guests to eat, or to +load their plates against their inclinations. + +Endeavor to retain your friends as long as they like to prolong their +visit. When they intimate an intention to leave you, if you really +desire their continuance somewhat longer, frankly say so. Should they, +however, have fixed the time, and cannot prolong their stay, facilitate +their going by every means in your power; and, while you kindly invite +them to renew their visit, point out to them any places of interest on +the road, and furnish such information as you possess. + +If invited to spend a few days at a friend's house, conform as much as +possible to the habits of the family. When parting for the night, +inquire respecting the breakfast hour, and ascertain at what time the +family meet for prayers. If this right custom prevails, be sure to be in +time; and obtain any necessary information from the servant who waits +upon you. Give as little trouble as possible; and never think of +apologizing for the extra trouble which your visit occasions. Such an +apology implies that your friend cannot conveniently entertain you. Your +own good sense and delicacy will teach you the desirability of keeping +your room tidy, and your articles of dress and toilet as much in order +as possible. If there is a deficiency of servants, a lady will certainly +not hesitate to make her own bed and to do for herself as much as +possible, and for the family all that is in her power. + +We presume that few people will leave a friend's house without some +expression of regret, and some acknowledgment proffered for the pleasure +that has been afforded them. Instances to the contrary have come within +our knowledge, and therefore we remind our youthful readers especially, +that this small act of politeness is indispensable, not in the form of a +set speech, but by a natural flowing forth of right feeling. It is also +proper, on returning home, to inform your friends of your safe arrival; +the sense which you entertain of their hospitality, and the +gratification derived from your visit, may be also gracefully alluded +to. + +The chain which binds society together is formed of innumerable links. +Let it be your part to keep those links uniformly bright; and to see +that neither dust nor rust accumulate upon them. + + + + +STREET ETIQUETTE. + + +The books of etiquette tell you, that if you have been introduced to a +lady and you afterward meet her in the street, you must not bow to her +unless she bow first, in order, as the books say, that she may have an +opportunity to cut you if she does not wish to continue the +acquaintance. This is the English fashion. But on the continent of +Europe the rule is reversed, and no lady, however intimate you may be +with her, will acknowledge you in the street unless you first honor her +with a bow of recognition. But the American fashion is not like either +of them. For here the really well-bred man always politely and +respectfully bows to every lady he knows, and, if she is a well-bred +woman, she acknowledges the respect paid her. If she expects no further +acquaintance, her bow is a mere formal, but _always respectful_, +recognition of the good manners which have been shown her, and no +gentleman ever takes advantage of such politeness to push a further +acquaintance uninvited. But why should a lady and gentleman, who know +who each other are, scornfully and doggedly pass each other in the +streets as though they were enemies? There is no good reason for such +_impoliteness_, in the practice of politeness. As compared with the +English, the French or continental fashion is certainly more consonant +with the rules of good breeding. But the American rule is better than +either, for it is based upon the acknowledged general principle, that it +is every gentleman's and lady's duty to be polite in all places. Unless +parties have done something to forfeit the respect dictated by the +common rules of politeness, there should be no deviation from this +practice. It is a ridiculous idea that we are to practice ill-manners in +the name of etiquette. + +While walking the street no one should be so absent-minded as to neglect +to recognize his friends. If you do not stop, you should always bow, +touch your hat, or bid your friend good day. If you stop, you can offer +your hand without removing your glove. If you stop to talk, retire on +one side of the walk. If your friend has a stranger with him and you +have anything to say, you should apologize to the stranger. Never leave +your friend abruptly to see another person without asking him to excuse +your departure. If you meet a gentleman of your acquaintance walking +with a lady whom you do not know, lift your hat as you salute them. If +you know the lady, you should salute her first. + +Never _nod_ to a lady in the street, neither be satisfied with touching +your hat, _but take it off_--it is a courtesy her sex demands. + +A gentleman should never omit a punctilious observance of the rules of +politeness to his recognized acquaintances, from an apprehension that he +will not be met with reciprocal marks of respect. For instance, he +should not refuse to raise his hat to an acquaintance who is accompanied +by a lady, lest her escort should, from ignorance or stolidity, return +his polite salutation with a nod of the head. It is better not to see +him, than to set the example of a rude and indecorous salutation. In all +such cases, and in all cases, he who is most courteous has the +advantage, and should never feel that he has made a humiliating +sacrifice of his personal dignity. It is for the party whose behavior +has been boorish to have a consciousness of inferiority. + +A gentleman meeting a lady acquaintance on the street, should not +presume to join her in her walk without ascertaining that his company +would be entirely agreeable. It might be otherwise, and she should +frankly say so. A married lady usually leans upon the arm of her +husband; but single ladies do not, in the day, take the arm of a +gentleman, unless they are willing to acknowledge an engagement. +Gentlemen always give place to ladies, and gentlemen accompanying +ladies, in crossing the street. + +If you have anything to say to a lady whom you may happen to meet in the +street, however intimate you may be, do not stop her, but turn round and +walk in company; you can take leave at the end of the street. + +When you are passing in the street, and see coming toward you a person +of your acquaintance, whether a lady or an elderly person, you should +offer them the wall, that is to say, the side next the houses. If a +carriage should happen to stop in such a manner as to leave only a +narrow passage between it and the houses, beware of elbowing and rudely +crowding the passengers, with a view to get by more expeditiously; wait +your turn, and if any of the persons before mentioned come up, you +should edge up to the wall, in order to give them the place. They also, +as they pass, should bow politely to you. + +If stormy weather has made it necessary to lay a plank across the +gutter, which has become suddenly filled with water, it is not proper +to crowd before another, in order to pass over the frail bridge. + +In walking with a lady, it is customary to give her the right arm; but +where circumstances render it more convenient to give her the left, it +may properly be done. If you are walking with a lady on a crowded street +like Broadway, by all means give her the outside, as that will prevent +her from being perpetually jostled and run against by the hurrying +crowd. + +You should offer your arm to a lady with whom you are walking whenever +her safety, comfort, or convenience may seem to require such attention +on your part. At night your arm should always be tendered, and also when +ascending the steps of a public building. In walking with any person you +should keep step with military precision, and with ladies and elderly +people you should always accommodate your speed to theirs. + +If a lady with whom you are walking receives the salute of a person who +is a stranger to you, you should return it, not for yourself, but for +her. + +When a lady whom you accompany wishes to enter a store, you should hold +the door open and allow her to enter first, if practicable; for you must +never pass before a lady anywhere, if you can avoid it, or without an +apology. + +In England, it is a mark of low breeding to smoke in the streets. But in +America the rule does not hold to quite that extent; though, even here, +it is not often that you catch "a gentleman of the strictest sect," in +the street with a cigar or pipe in his mouth. For a man to go into the +street with a lady on his arm and a cigar in his mouth is a shocking +sight, which no gentleman will ever be guilty of exhibiting; for he +inevitably subjects the woman to the very worst of suspicions. + +Avoid the disgusting habit of spitting. + +No gentleman will stand in the doors of hotels, nor on the corners of +the streets, gazing impertinently at the ladies as they pass. That is +such an unmistakable sign of a loafer, that one can hardly imagine a +well-bred man doing such a thing. + +Never offer to shake hands with a lady in the street if you have on dark +gloves, as you may soil her white ones. If you meet a lady friend with +whom you wish to converse, you must not stop, but turn and walk along +with her; and should she be walking with a gentleman, first assure +yourself that you are not intruding before you attempt to join the two +in their walk. + +After twilight, a young lady would not be conducting herself in a +becoming manner, by walking alone; and if she passes the evening with +any one, she ought, beforehand, to provide some one to come for her at a +stated hour; but if this is not practicable, she should politely ask of +the person whom she is visiting, to permit a servant to accompany her. +But, however much this may be considered proper, and consequently an +obligation, a married lady, well educated, will disregard it if +circumstances prevent her being able, without trouble, to find a +conductor. + +If the host wishes to accompany you himself, you must excuse yourself +politely for giving him so much trouble, but finish, however, by +accepting. On arriving at your house, you should offer him your thanks. +In order to avoid these two inconveniences, it will be well to request +your husband, or some one of your relatives, to come and wait upon you; +you will, in this way, avoid all inconveniences, and be entirely free +from that harsh criticism which is sometimes indulged in, especially in +small towns, concerning even the most innocent acts. + +If, when on your way to fulfill an engagement, a friend stops you in the +street, you may, without committing any breach of etiquette, tell him of +your appointment, and release yourself from a long talk, but do so in a +courteous manner, expressing regret for the necessity. + +In inquiring for goods at a shop or store, do not say, I want so and so, +but say to the shopman--Show me such or such an article, if you +please--or use some other polite form of address. If you are obliged to +examine a number of articles before you are suited, apologize to the +shopkeeper for the trouble you give him. If, after all, you cannot suit +yourself, renew your apologies when you go away. If you make only small +purchases, say to him--I am sorry for having troubled you for so +trifling a thing. + +You need not stop to pull off your glove to shake hands with a lady or +gentleman. If it is warm weather it is more agreeable to both parties +that the glove should be on--especially if it is a lady with whom you +shake hands, as the perspiration of your bare hand would be very likely +to soil her glove. + +If a lady addresses an inquiry to a gentleman on the street, he will +lift his hat, or at least touch it respectfully, as he replies. If he +cannot give the information required, he will express his regrets. + +When tripping over the pavement, a lady should gracefully raise her +dress a little above her ankle. With her right hand she should hold +together the folds of her gown and draw them toward the right side. To +raise the dress on both sides, and with both hands, is vulgar. This +ungraceful practice can be tolerated only for a moment when the mud is +very deep. + +Most American ladies in our cities wear too rich and expensive dresses +in the street. Some, indeed, will sweep the side-walks with costly +stuffs only fit for a drawing-room or a carriage. This is in bad taste, +and is what ill-natured people would term snobbish. + + + + +TRAVELING. + + +As a general rule, travelers are selfish. They pay little attention +either to the comforts or distresses of their fellow-travelers; and the +commonest observances of politeness are often sadly neglected by them. +In the scramble for tickets, for seats, for state-rooms, or for places +at a public table, the courtesies of life seem to be trampled under +foot. Even the ladies are sometimes rudely treated and shamefully +neglected in the headlong rush for desirable seats in the railway cars. +To see the behavior of American people on their travels, one would +suppose that we were anything but a refined nation; and I have often +wondered whether a majority of our travelers could really make a decent +appearance in social society. + +When you are traveling, it is no excuse that because others outrage +decency and propriety you should follow their example, and fight them +with their own weapons. A rush and scramble at the railway ticket office +is always unnecessary. The cars will not leave until every passenger is +aboard, and if you have ladies with you, you can easily secure your +seats and afterward procure the tickets at leisure. But suppose you do +lose a favorite seat by your moderation! Is it not better to suffer a +little inconvenience than to show yourself decidedly vulgar? Go to the +cars half an hour before they start, and you will avoid all trouble of +this kind. + +When seated, or about to seat yourself in the cars, never allow +considerations of personal comfort or convenience to cause you to +disregard the rights of fellow-travelers, or forget the respectful +courtesy due to woman. The pleasantest or most comfortable seats belong +to the ladies, and you should never refuse to resign such seats to them +with a cheerful politeness. Sometimes a gentleman will go through a car +and choose his seat, and afterward vacate it to procure his ticket, +leaving his overcoat or carpet bag to show that the seat is taken. +Always respect this token, and never seize upon a seat thus secured, +without leave, even though you may want it for a lady. It is not always +necessary for a gentleman to rise after he has seated himself and offer +his seat to a lady, particularly if the lady is accompanied by another +gentleman; for there may still be eligible vacant seats in the cars. But +should you see a lady come alone, and if the seats in the car all appear +to be filled, do not hesitate to offer her yours, if you have no ladies +in your company. And should a lady motion to seat herself beside you, +rise at once and offer her the choice of the two seats. These are but +common courtesies that every well-bred man will at all times cheerfully +offer to the other sex. + +Making acquaintances in the cars, although correct enough, is a measure +of which travelers generally appear to be very shy. There is no reason +for this, as acquaintances thus picked up need never be recognized again +unless you please. If a stranger speaks to you, always answer him +politely, and if his conversation proves disagreeable, you have no +alternative but to change your seat. + +In steamers do not make a rush for the supper table, or make a glutton +of yourself when you get there. Never fail to offer your seat on deck to +a lady, if the seats all appear to be occupied, and always meet half way +any fellow-passenger who wishes to enter into conversation with you. +Some travelers are so exclusive that they consider it a presumption on +the part of a stranger to address them; but such people are generally +foolish, and of no account. Sociable intercourse while traveling is one +of its main attractions. Who would care about sitting and moping for a +dozen of hours on board a steamer without exchanging a word with +anybody? and this must be the fate of the exclusives when they travel +alone. Even ladies, who run greater risks in forming steamboat +acquaintances than the men, are allowed the greatest privileges in that +respect. It might not be exactly correct for a lady to make a speaking +acquaintance of a gentleman; but she may address or question him for the +time being without impropriety. + +Fellow-passengers, whether on a steamboat or in the cars, should at all +times be sociable and obliging to one another. Those who are the reverse +of this may be set down either as selfish, foolish, or conceited. + +In the cars you have no right to keep a window open for your +accommodation, if the current of air thus produced annoys or endangers +the health of another. There are a sufficient number of discomforts in +traveling, at best, and it should be the aim of each passenger to lessen +them as much as possible, and to cheerfully bear his own part. Life is a +journey, and we are all fellow-travelers. + +If in riding in an omnibus, or crossing a ferry with a friend, he wishes +to pay for you, never insist upon paying for yourself or for both. If he +is before you, let the matter pass without remark. + + + + +MARRIAGE. + + +In speaking of marriage, it is not merely with reference to its social +importance, but as regards certain observances, concerning which no work +on Etiquette has yet given any explicit rules. + +First, then, with respect to the preliminary subject of courtship. That +unseen monitor, who has already suggested many points for consideration +to lady readers, would now say to them: Before you admit the attentions +of a gentleman who wishes to pay you his addresses, very carefully +examine your respective tastes and dispositions; and settle in your own +mind what are the most important requisites of happiness in a married +state. With this view, you must enter upon the consideration of the +subject with a calm and decisive spirit, which will enable you to see +where your true happiness lies, and to pursue it with determined +resolution. In matters of business, follow the advice of such as are +able to guide you; and as regards the subject of marriage, turn not away +from the counsel of those who are appointed to watch over and direct +you. + +If a gentleman gives you reason to believe that he wishes to engage your +affections, seek the advice of your parents, that they may gain for you +every necessary particular with regard to his morals and disposition, +and means of suitably providing for you. If, unhappily, death has +deprived you of parents, ask counsel of some one who will care for you, +and on whose friendship you can rely. Remember that you have little +knowledge of the world, and that your judgment has not arrived at full +maturity. But however circumstanced, avoid, as you would the plague, any +attentions from a gentleman whose moral character renders him +undeserving your regard. + +Let neither rank nor fortune, nor the finest order of intellect, nor yet +the most winning manners, induce you to accept the addresses of an +irreligious man. You dare not ask the blessing of your Heavenly Father +upon such addresses; and without His blessing, what happiness can you +expect? Men often say, "that whatever their own opinions may be, they +will marry religious women." This may be; but woe to a religious woman, +if she allows herself to be thus beguiled! Supposing your admirer be a +sensible man, he will like religion in you for his own sake; if, on the +contrary, such is not the case, and you become his wife, he will often, +though perhaps without intention, distress you by his remarks; and in +either case, if you have children, you will suffer much in seeing that +your endeavors to form their minds to virtue and piety, and to secure +their present and eternal happiness, are regarded with indifference, or +at least that you are not assisted in your efforts. + +Remember, also, that no happiness can be expected in the marriage state, +unless the husband be worthy of respect. Do not marry a weak man; he is +often intractable or capricious, and seldom listens to the voice of +reason; and most painful must it be to any sensible woman to have to +blush for her husband, and feel uneasy every time he opens his lips. +Still worse, if it should please God to give her children, if she cannot +point to the example of their father as leading to what is excellent and +of good report; nor yet to his precepts and instructions as their rule +of conduct. One thing is certain, that a weak man uniformly shows his +consequence by contradicting his wife, because he will not have it +supposed that he is under her influence. + +Advances, or offers of marriage, are made in a thousand different ways; +but, however tendered, receive them courteously, and with dignity. If a +letter comes to you, answer it as becomes a gentlewoman--your own heart +will dictate what you ought to say. Questions have arisen with regard to +the wording of such letters, but no certain rule can be laid down; +whether it be answered in the first or third person, must depend upon +the degree of acquaintance which has previously existed. No young lady +would certainly head her letter with--"Dear Sir," to a suitor whom she +scarcely knows, or to one whom she intends refusing. She ought, however, +on no account, either to receive or answer letters of the kind without +showing them to her mother; or, if unfortunately without parents, she +will do well to consult some judicious female friend. + +Never trifle with the affections of a man who loves you; nor admit of +marked attentions from one whose affection you cannot return. Some young +ladies pride themselves upon the conquests which they make, and would +not scruple to sacrifice the happiness of an estimable person to their +reprehensible vanity. Let this be far from you. If you see clearly that +you have become an object of especial regard to a gentleman, and do not +wish to encourage his addresses, treat him honorably and humanely, as +you hope to be used with generosity by the person who may engage your +own heart. Do not let him linger in suspense, but take the earliest +opportunity of carefully making known your feelings on the subject. This +may be done in a variety of ways. A refined ease of manner will satisfy +him, if he has any discernment, that his addresses will not be +acceptable. Should your natural disposition render this difficult, show +that you wish to avoid his company, and he will presently withdraw; but +if even this is difficult--and who can lay down rules for +another?--allow an opportunity for explanation to occur. You can then +give him a polite and decisive answer; and be assured that, in whatever +manner you convey your sentiments to him, if he be a man of delicacy and +right feeling, he will trouble you no further. Let it never be said of +you, that you permit the attentions of an honorable man when you have no +heart to give him; or that you have trifled with the affections of one +whom you perhaps esteem, although you resolve never to marry him. It may +be that his preference gratifies, and his conversation interests you; +that you are flattered by the attentions of a man whom some of your +companions admire; and that, in truth, you hardly know your own mind on +the subject. This will not excuse you. Every young woman ought to know +the state of her own heart; and yet the happiness and future prospects +of many an excellent man have been sacrificed by such unprincipled +conduct. + +Remember that if a gentleman makes you an offer, you have no right to +speak of it. If you possess either generosity or gratitude for offered +affection, you will not betray a secret which does not belong to you. It +is sufficiently painful to be refused, without incurring the additional +mortification of being pointed out as a rejected lover. + +If, on the contrary, you encourage the addresses of a deserving man, +behave honorably and sensibly. Do not lead him about as if in triumph, +nor take advantage of the ascendency which you have gained by playing +with his feelings. Do not seek for occasions to tease him, that you may +try his temper; neither affect indifference, nor provoke lovers' +quarrels, for the foolish pleasure of reconciliation. On your conduct +during courtship will very much depend the estimation in which you will +be held by your husband in after life. + +Assuming that the important day is fixed, and that the bidden guests +have accepted the invitations, a few observations may be useful, +especially to those who live retired in the country. + +The bride uniformly goes to church in the same carriage with her +parents, or with those who stand in their place; as, for instance, if +the father is deceased, an elder brother or uncle, or even guardian, +accompanies her mother and herself. If, unhappily, she is an orphan, and +has no relations, a middle-aged lady and gentleman, friends of her +parents, should be requested to take their place. A bridesmaid will also +occupy a seat in the same carriage. + +The bridegroom finds his way to church in a separate carriage with his +friends, and he will show his gallantry by handing the bride from her +carriage, and paying every attention to those who accompany her. Any +omission in this respect cannot be too carefully avoided. + +When arrived at the altar, the father of the bride, or, in default of +such relation, the nearest connexion, or some old friend, gives away the +bride. The bridesmaids stand near the bride; and either her sister, or +some favorite friend, will hold the gloves or handkerchief, as may be +required, when she ungloves her hand for the wedding-ring. When the +ceremony is completed, and the names of the bride and bridegroom are +signed in the vestry, they first leave the church together, occupying by +themselves the carriage that waits to convey them to the house of the +bride's father and mother, or that of the guardian, or friend, by whom +the bridal breakfast is provided. + +The wedding-cake uniformly occupies the center of the table. It is often +tastefully surrounded with flowers, among which those of the fragrant +orange ought to be conspicuous. After being cut according to the usages +observed on such occasions, the oldest friend of the family proposes the +lady's health; that of the bridegroom is generally proposed by some +friend of his own, if present; but if this is not the case, by his +father-in-law, or any of his new relatives, who will deem it incumbent +upon them to say something gratifying to him while proposing his health, +which courtesy he must acknowledge as best he can. After this the bride +withdraws, in order to prepare for leaving the parental roof, by taking +off her wedding, and putting on her traveling dress; although it happens +not unfrequently that the bride remains in another apartment, and thus +avoids the fatigue and embarrassment of appearing at the +breakfast-table. When this occurs, her place beside the bridegroom must +be occupied by a near relation or friend. But whether present, or +remaining apart with a few friends, all who are invited to do honor to +the bride must appear in full dress. Bracelets may be worn on one or +both wrists. Black of any kind is wholly inadmissible; not even black +satin can be allowed; and widows must attire themselves either in quiet +colored suits, or else in silver gray. + +On such festive occasions, all appear in their best attire, and assume +their best manners. Peculiarities that pertain to past days, or have +been unwarily adopted, should be guarded against; mysteries concerning +knives, forks, and plates, or throwing "an old shoe" after the bride, +are highly reprehensible, and have long been exploded. Such practices +may seem immaterial, but they are not so. Stranger guests often meet at +a wedding breakfast; and the good breeding of the family may be somewhat +compromised by neglect in small things. + +If the lady appears at breakfast, which is certainly desirable, she +occupies, with her husband, the center of the table, and sits by his +side--her father and mother taking the top and bottom, and showing all +honor to their guests. When the cake has been cut, and every one is +helped--when, too, the health of the bride and bridegroom has been +drunk, and every compliment and kind wish has been duly proffered and +acknowledged--the bride, attended by her friends, withdraws; and when +ready for her departure the newly-married couple start off on their +wedding journey, generally about two or three o'clock, and the rest of +the company shortly afterward take their leave. + +In some circles it is customary to send cards almost immediately to +friends and relations, mentioning at what time and hour the +newly-married couple expect to be called upon. Some little inconvenience +occasionally attends this custom, as young people may wish to extend +their wedding tour beyond the time first mentioned, or, if they go +abroad, delays may unavoidably occur. It is therefore better to postpone +sending cards, for a short time at least. + +Fashions change continually with regard to wedding-cards. A few years +since they were highly ornamented, and fantastically tied together; now +silver-edged cards are fashionable; but, unquestionably, the plainer and +more unostentatious a wedding-card, the more lady-like and becoming it +will be. + +No one to whom a wedding-card has not been sent ought to call upon a +newly-married couple. + +When the days named for seeing company arrive, remember to be punctual. +Call, if possible, the first day, but neither before nor after the +appointed hour. Wedding-cake and wine are handed round, of which every +one partakes, and each expresses some kindly wish for the happiness of +the newly-married couple. + +Taking possession of their home by young people is always a joyous +period. The depressing influence of a wedding breakfast, where often the +hearts of many are sad, is not felt, and every one looks forward to +years of prosperity and happiness. + +If the gentleman is in a profession, and it happens that he cannot await +the arrival of such as call, according to invitation on the +wedding-card, an apology must be made, and, if possible, an old friend +of the family should represent him. A bride must on no account receive +her visitors without a mother, or sister, or some friend being present, +not even if her husband is at home. This is imperative. To do otherwise +is to disregard the usuages of society. We remember once calling on a +very young bride, and found her alone. Conjectures were made by every +visitor with regard to such a strange occurrence, and their surprise was +still more increased, when it became known that the young lady returned +her calls equally unattended. + +Wedding visits must be returned during the course of a few days, and +parties are generally made for the newly-married couple, which they are +expected to return. This does not, however, necessarily entail much +visiting; neither is it expected from young people, whose resources may +be somewhat limited, or when the husband has to make his way in the +world. + + + + +DOMESTIC ETIQUETTE AND DUTIES. + + +"The little community to which I gave laws," said the Vicar of +Wakefield, "was regulated in the following manner:--We all assembled +early, and after we had saluted each other with proper ceremony, (for I +always thought fit to keep up some mechanical forms of good breeding, +without which, freedom ever destroys friendship,) we all knelt in +gratitude to that Being who gave us another day. So also when we parted +for the night." + +We earnestly recommend that the precepts and example of the good old +Vicar should be followed and adopted by every newly-married couple. With +regard to the first, the courtesies of society should never be omitted, +in even the most trivial matters; and, as respects the second, what +blessing can be reasonably expected to descend upon a house wherein the +voice of thanksgiving is never heard, nor yet protection sought by its +acknowledged head! + +On the wife especially devolves the privilege and pleasure of rendering +home happy. We shall, therefore, speak of such duties and observances as +pertain to her. + +When a young wife first settles in her home, many excellent persons, +with more zeal, it may be, than discretion, immediately propose that she +should devote some of her leisure time to charitable purposes: such, for +instance, as clothing societies for the poor, or schools, or district +visiting. We say with all earnestness to our young friend, engage in +nothing of the kind, however laudable, without previously consulting +your husband, and obtaining his full concurrence. Carefully avoid, also, +being induced by any specious arguments to attend evening lectures, +unless he accompanies you. Remember that your Heavenly Father, who has +given you a home to dwell in, requires from you a right performance of +its duties. Win your husband, by all gentle appliances, to love +religion; but do not, for the sake even of a privilege and a blessing, +leave him to spend his evenings alone. Look often on your marriage ring, +and remember the sacred vows taken by you when the ring was given; such +thoughts will go far toward allaying many of these petty vexations which +circumstances call forth. + +Never let your husband have cause to complain that you are more +agreeable abroad than at home; nor permit him to see in you an object of +admiration, as respects your dress and manners, when in company, while +you are negligent of both in the domestic circle. Many an unhappy +marriage has been occasioned by neglect in these particulars. Nothing +can be more senseless than the conduct of a young woman, who seeks to be +admired in general society for her politeness and engaging manners, or +skill in music, when, at the same time, she makes no effort to render +her home attractive; and yet that home, whether a palace or a cottage, +is the very center of her being--the nucleus around which her affections +should revolve, and beyond which she has comparatively small concern. + +Beware of intrusting any individual whatever with small annoyances, or +misunderstandings, between your husband and yourself, if they unhappily +occur. Confidants are dangerous persons, and many seek to obtain an +ascendency in families by gaining the good opinion of young married +women. Be on your guard, and reject every overture that may lead to +undesirable intimacy. Should any one presume to offer you advice with +regard to your husband, or seek to lessen him by insinuations, shun that +person as you would a serpent. Many a happy home has been rendered +desolate by exciting coolness or suspicion, or by endeavors to gain +importance in an artful and insidious manner. + +In all money matters, act openly and honorably. Keep your accounts with +the most scrupulous exactness, and let your husband see that you take an +honest pride in rightly appropriating the money which he intrusts to +you. "My husband works hard for every dollar that he earns," said a +young married lady, the wife of a professional man, to a friend who +found her busily employed in sewing buttons on her husband's coat, "and +it seems to me worse than cruel to lay out a dime unnecessarily." Be +very careful, also, that you do not spend more than can be afforded in +dress; and be satisfied with such carpets and curtains in your +drawing-room as befit a moderate fortune, or professional income. +Natural ornaments, and flowers tastefully arranged, give an air of +elegance to a room in which the furniture is far from costly; and books +judiciously placed, uniformly produce a good effect. A sensible woman +will always seek to ornament her home, and to render it attractive, more +especially as this is the taste of the present day. The power of +association is very great; light, and air, and elegance, are important +in their effects. No wife acts wisely who permits her sitting-room to +look dull in the eyes of him whom she ought especially to please, and +with whom she has to pass her days. + +In middle life, instances frequently occur of concealment with regard to +money concerns; thus, for instance, a wife wishes to possess an article +of dress which is too costly for immediate purchase, or a piece of +furniture liable to the same objection. She accordingly makes an +agreement with a seller, and there are many who call regularly at houses +when the husband is absent on business, and who receive whatever the +mistress of the house can spare from her expenses. A book is kept by the +seller, in which payments are entered; but a duplicate is never +retained by the wife, and therefore she has no check whatever. We have +known an article of dress paid for in this manner, far above its value, +and have heard a poor young woman, who has been thus duped, say to a +lady, who remonstrated with her: "Alas! what can I do? I dare not tell +my husband." It may be that the same system, though differing according +to circumstances, is pursued in a superior class of life. We have reason +to think that it is so, and therefore affectionately warn our younger +sisters to beware of making purchases that require concealment. Be +content with such things as you can honorably afford, and such as your +husbands approve. You can then wear them with every feeling of +self-satisfaction. + +Before dismissing this part of our subject, we beseech you to avoid all +bickerings. What does it signify where a picture hangs, or whether a +rose or a pink looks best on the drawing-room table? There is something +inexpressibly endearing in small concessions, in gracefully giving up a +favorite opinion, or in yielding to the will of another; and equally +painful is the reverse. The mightiest rivers have their source in +streams; the bitterest domestic misery has often arisen from some +trifling difference of opinion. If, by chance, you marry a man of a +hasty temper, great discretion is required. Much willingness, too, and +prayer for strength to rule your own spirit are necessary. Three +instances occur to us, in which, ladies have knowingly married men of +exceeding violent tempers, and yet have lived happily. The secret of +their happiness consisted in possessing a perfect command over +themselves, and in seeking, by every possible means, to prevent their +husbands from committing themselves in their presence. + +Lastly, remember your standing as a lady, and never approve a mean +action, nor speak an unrefined word; let all your conduct be such as an +honorable and right-minded man may look for in his wife, and the mother +of his children. The slightest duplicity destroys confidence. The least +want of refinement in conversation, or in the selection of books, lowers +a woman, ay, and for ever! Follow these few simple precepts, and they +shall prove to you of more worth than rubies; neglect them, and you will +know what sorrow is. They apply to every class of society, in every +place where man has fixed his dwelling; and to the woman who duly +observes them may be given the beautiful commendation of Solomon, when +recording the words which the mother of King Lemuel taught him: + +"The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her; she will do him +good, and not evil, all the days of her life. Strength and honor are her +clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come. Her children rise up, +and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her."--Prov. +xxxi. + +We shall now address ourselves exclusively to our brethren; to them who +have taken upon themselves the sacred and comprehensive names of husband +and of master, who have formed homes to dwell in, and have placed +therein, as their companions through life's pilgrimage, gentle and +confiding ones, who have left for them all that was heretofore most +dear, and whom they have sworn to love and to cherish. + +When a man marries, it is understood that all former acquaintanceship +_ends_, unless he intimates a desire to renew it, by sending you his own +and his wife's card, if near, or by letter, if distant. If this be +neglected, be sure no further intercourse is desired. + +In the first place, a bachelor is seldom _very particular_ in the choice +of his companions. So long as he is amused, he will associate freely +enough with those whose morals and habits would point them out as +highly dangerous persons to introduce into the sanctity of domestic +life. + +Secondly, a married man has the tastes of _another_ to consult; and the +friend of the _husband_ may not be equally acceptable to the _wife_. + +Besides, newly-married people may wish to limit the circle of their +friends, from praiseworthy motives of economy. When a man first "_sets +up_" in the world, the burden of an extensive and indiscriminate +acquaintance may be felt in various ways. Many have had cause to regret +the weakness of mind which allowed them to plunge into a vortex of +gaiety and expense they could ill afford, from which they have found it +difficult to extricate themselves, and the effects of which have proved +a serious evil to them in after-life. + +Remember that you have now, as a married man, a very different standing +in society from the one which you previously held, and that the +happiness of another is committed to your charge. Render, therefore, +your home happy by kindness and attention to your wife, and carefully +watch over your words and actions. If small disputes arise, and your +wife has not sufficient good sense to yield her opinion; nay, if she +even seems determined to have her own way, and that tenaciously, do not +get angry; rather be silent, and let the matter rest. An opportunity +will soon occur of speaking affectionately, yet decidedly, on the +subject, and much good will be effected. Master your own temper, and you +will soon master your wife's; study her happiness without yielding to +any caprices, and you will have no reason to regret your self-control. + +Never let your wife go to church alone on Sunday. You can hardly do a +worse thing as regards her good opinion of you, and the well-being of +your household. It is a pitiable sight to see a young wife going toward +the church-door unattended, alone in the midst of a crowd, with her +thoughts dwelling, it may be very sadly, on the time when you were proud +to walk beside her. Remember that the condition of a young bride is +often a very solitary one; and that for your sake she has left her +parents' roof, and the companionship of her brothers and sisters. If you +are a professional man, your wife may have to live in the neighborhood +of a large city, where she scarcely knows any one, and without those +agreeable domestic occupations, or young associates, among whom she had +grown up. Her garden and poultry-yard are hers no longer, and the day +passes without the light of any smile but yours. You go off, most +probably after breakfast, to your business or profession, and do not +return till a late dinner; perhaps even not then, if you are much +occupied, or have to keep up professional connections. It seems unmanly, +certainly most unkind, to let your young wife go to church on Sunday +without you, for the common-place satisfaction of lounging at home. To +act in this manner is certainly a breach of domestic etiquette. Sunday +is the only day in which you can enable her to forget her father's +house, and the pleasant associations of her girlhood days--in which you +can pay her those attentions which prevent all painful comparisons as +regards the past. Sunday is a day of rest, wisely and mercifully +appointed to loose the bonds by which men are held to the world; let it +be spent by you as becomes the head of a family. Let no temptation ever +induce you to wish your wife to relinquish attending Divine service, +merely that she may "idle at home with you." Religion is her safeguard +amid the trials or temptations of this world. And woe may be to you if +you seek to withdraw her from its protection! + +Much perplexity in the marriage state often arises from want of candor. +Men conceal their affairs, and expect their wives to act with great +economy, without assigning any reason why such should be the case; but +the husband ought frankly to tell his wife the real amount of his +income; for, unless this is done, she cannot properly regulate her +expenses. They ought then to consult together as to the sum that can be +afforded for housekeeping, which should be rather below than above the +mark. When this is arranged he will find it advantageous to give into +her hands, either weekly, monthly, or quarterly, the sum that is +appropriated for daily expenditure, and above all things to avoid +interfering without absolute necessity. The home department belongs +exclusively to the wife; the province of the husband is to rule the +house--hers to regulate its internal movements. True it is, that some +inexperienced young creatures know but little of household concerns. If +this occur, have patience, and do not become pettish or ill-humored. If +too much money is laid out at first, give advice, kindly and firmly, and +the young wife will soon learn how to perform her new duties. + +No good ever yet resulted, or ever will result from unnecessary +interference. If a man unhappily marries an incorrigible simpleton, or +spendthrift, he cannot help himself. Such, however, is rarely the case. +Let a man preserve his own position, and assist his wife to do the same; +all things will then move together, well and harmoniously. + +Much sorrow, and many heart-burnings, may be avoided by judicious +conduct in the outset of life. Husbands should give their wives all +confidence. They have intrusted to them their happiness, and should +never suspect them of desiring to waste their money. Whenever a +disposition is manifested to do right, express your approbation. Be +pleased with trifles, and commend efforts to excel on every fitting +occasion. If your wife is diffident, encourage her, and avoid seeing +small mistakes. It is unreasonable to add to the embarrassments of her +new condition, by ridiculing her deficiencies. Forbear extolling the +previous management of your mother or your sisters. Many a wife has been +alienated from her husband's family, and many an affectionate heart has +been deeply wounded by such injudicious conduct; and, as a sensible +woman will always pay especial attention to the relations of her +husband, and entertain them with affectionate politeness, the husband on +his part should always cordially receive and duly attend to her +relations. The reverse of this, on either side, is often productive of +unpleasant feelings. + +Lastly, we recommend every young married man, who wishes to render his +home happy, to consider his wife as the light of his domestic circle, +and to permit no clouds, however small, to obscure the region in which +she presides. Most women are naturally amiable, gentle, and complying; +and if a wife becomes perverse, and indifferent to her home, it is +generally her husband's fault. He may have neglected her happiness; but +nevertheless it is unwise in her to retort, and, instead of faithfully +reflecting the brightness that still may shine upon her, to give back +the dusky and cheerless hue which saddens her existence. Be not selfish, +but complying, in small things. If your wife dislikes cigars--and few +young women like to have their clothes tainted by tobacco--leave off +smoking; for it is, at best, an ungentlemanly and dirty habit. If your +wife asks you to read to her, do not put your feet upon a chair and go +to sleep. If she is fond of music, accompany her as you were wont when +you sought her for a bride. The husband may say that he is tired, and +does not like music, or reading aloud. This may occasionally be true, +and no amiable woman will ever desire her husband to do what would +really weary him. We, however, recommend a young man to practice +somewhat of self-denial, and to remember that no one acts with a due +regard to his own happiness who lays aside, when married, those +gratifying attentions which he was ever ready to pay the lady of his +love; or those rational sources of home enjoyment which made her look +forward with a bounding heart to become his companion through life. + +Etiquette is a comprehensive term; and its observances are nowhere more +to be desired than in the domestic circle. + + + + +ON GENERAL SOCIETY. + + +To cultivate the art of pleasing is not only worthy of our ambition, but +it is the dictate of humanity to render ourselves as agreeable as +possible to those around us. While, therefore, we condemn that false +system of philosophy which recommends the practice of flattery and +deception for the purpose of winning the regard of those with whom we +come in contact, we would rather urge the sincere and open conduct which +is founded on moral principle, and which looks to the happiness of +others, not through any sordid and selfish aim, but for the reward which +virtuous actions bestow. Indeed, we do not discover the necessity of +duplicity and hypocrisy in our intercourse with society. The virtues and +the graces are not antagonistic. The sacrifice of personal convenience +for the accommodation of others; the repression of our egotism and +self-esteem; the occasional endurance of whatever is disagreeable or +irksome to us through consideration for the infirmities of others, are +not only some of the characteristics of true politeness, but are in the +very spirit of benevolence, and, we might add, religion. + +The English have a rule of etiquette, that if you are introduced to a +person of higher position in society than yourself, you must never +recognize him when you meet, until you see whether he intends to notice +you. The meaning of this rule is, that you should be polite to nobody +until you see whether they mean to be polite to you, which is simply +refusing politeness in the name of politeness itself. There is a story +of an unfortunate clerk of the Treasury, who dined one day at the +Beef-steak Club, where he sat next to a duke, who conversed freely with +him at dinner. The next day, meeting the duke in the street, he saluted +him. But his grace, drawing himself up, said: "May I know, sir, to whom +I have the honor of speaking?" "Why, we dined together at the club +yesterday--I am Mr. Timms, of the Treasury," was the reply. "Then," said +the duke, turning on his heel, "Mr. Timms, of the Treasury, I wish you +_a good morning_." Though this anecdote is related in the English books +as an example of etiquette, it is undoubtedly true that Mr. Timms, of +the Treasury, was the politest man of the two; for even if he had made a +mistake in being a little familiar in his politeness, had the duke been +really a polite man he would have made the best of it, by returning the +salutation, instead of the brutal mortification which he heaped upon the +clerk of the Treasury. Everybody has read the anecdote of Washington, +who politely returned the salutation of a negro, which caused his friend +to ask if he "bowed to a negro." "To be sure I do; do you think that I +would allow a negro to outdo me in politeness?" said Washington. This is +the American rule. Everybody in this country may be polite to +everybody--and if any one is too haughty and too ill-bred to return the +salutation, with him alone rests the responsibility and the shame. + +A lady in company should never exhibit any anxiety to sing or play; but +if she intends to do so, she should not affect to refuse when asked, but +obligingly accede at once. If you cannot sing, or do not choose to, say +so with seriousness and gravity, and put an end to the expectation +promptly. After singing once or twice, cease and give place to others. +There is an old saying, that a singer can with the greatest difficulty +be set agoing, and when agoing, cannot be stopped. + +Never commend a lady's musical skill to another lady who herself plays. + +Modern Chesterfields, who pretend to be superlatively well-bred, tell +one never to be "in a hurry." "To be in a hurry," say they, "is +ill-bred." The _dictum_ is absurd. It is sometimes necessary to be +hurried. In the streets of the city one must hasten with the multitude. +To walk or lounge, as people who have nothing else to do, in Wall +Street, or Broadway, would be out of place and absurd. Judgment requires +us, not less than manners, to conform slightly with the behavior of +those with whom we associate or are forced to remain. + +Never lose your temper at cards, and particularly avoid the exhibition +of anxiety or vexation at want of success. If you are playing whist, not +only keep your temper, but hold your tongue; any intimation to your +partner is decidedly ungentlemanly. + +Do not take upon yourself to do the honors in another man's house, nor +constitute yourself master of the ceremonies, as you will thereby offend +the host and hostess. + +Do not press before a lady at a theater or a concert. Always yield to +her, if practicable, your seat and place. Do not sit when she is +standing, without offering her your place. Consult not only your own +ease, but also the comfort of those around you. + +Do not cross a room in an anxious manner, and force your way up to a +lady merely to receive a bow, as by so doing you attract the eyes of the +company toward her. If you are desirous of being noticed by any one in +particular, put yourself in their way as if by accident, and do not let +them _see_ that you have sought them out; unless, indeed, there be +something very important to communicate. + +Gentlemen who attend ladies to the opera, to concerts, to lectures, +etc., should take off their hats on entering the room, and while showing +them their seats. Having taken your seats remain quietly in them, and +avoid, unless absolute necessity requires it, incommoding others by +crowding out and in before them. If obliged to do this, politely +apologize for the trouble you cause them. To talk during the performance +is an act of rudeness and injustice. You thus proclaim your own +ill-breeding and invade the rights of others, who have paid for the +privilege of hearing the performers, and not for listening to you. + +If you are in attendance upon a lady at any opera, concert, or lecture, +you should retain your seat at her side; but if you have no lady with +you, and have taken a desirable seat, you should, if need be, cheerfully +relinquish it in favor of a lady, for one less eligible. + +To the opera, or theater, ladies should wear opera hoods, which are to +be taken off on entering. In this country, custom permits the wearing of +bonnets; but as they are neither convenient nor comfortable, ladies +should dispense with their use whenever they can. + +Gloves should be worn by ladies in church, and in places of public +amusement. Do not take them off to shake hands. Great care should be +taken that they are well made and fit neatly. + +If you would have your children grow up beloved and respected by their +elders as well as their contemporaries, teach them good manners in their +childhood. The young sovereign should first learn to obey, that he may +be the better fitted to command in his turn. + +Show, but do not show off, your children to strangers. Recollect, in the +matter of children, how many are born every hour, each one almost as +remarkable as yours in the eyes of its papa and mamma. + +Notwithstanding that good general breeding is easy of attainment, and +is, in fact, attained by most people, yet we may enlarge upon a saying +of Emerson's, by declaring that the world has never yet seen "a perfect +gentleman." + +It is not deemed polite and respectful to smoke in the presence of +ladies, even though they are amiable enough to permit it. A gentleman, +therefore, is not in the habit of smoking in the parlor, for if there is +nobody present to object, it leaves a smell in the room which the wife +has good reason to be mortified at, if discovered by her guests. + +It is very common to see persons eat, drink, and smoke to excess. Such +habits are vulgar in the lowest degree. Some men pride themselves on +their abilities in drinking and smoking--more especially in the latter. +These are blunders that need no reasoning to expose them. The man who +exhibits a tendency to excesses will, sooner or later, be shunned by all +except a few of his own stamp, and not even by them be respected. Guard +against excess in all things, as neither gentlemanly nor human. + +Spitting is a filthy habit, and annoys one in almost every quarter, +in-doors and out. Since vulgarity has had its way so extensively amongst +us, every youth begins to smoke and spit before he has well cut his +teeth. Smoking is unquestionably so great a pleasure to those accustomed +to it, that it must not be condemned, yet the spitting associated with +it detracts very much from the enjoyment. No refined person will spit +where ladies are present, or in any public promenade; the habit is +disgusting in the extreme, and one would almost wish that it could be +checked in public by means of law. + +Never scratch your head, pick your teeth, clean your nails, or, worse +than all, pick your nose in company; all these things are disgusting. + +To indulge in ridicule, whether the subject be present or absent, is to +descend below the level of gentlemanly propriety. Your skill may excite +laughter, but will not insure respect. + +A reverential regard for religious observances, and religious opinions, +is a distinguishing trait of a refined mind. Whatever your opinions on +the subject, you are not to intrude them on others, perhaps to the +shaking of their faith and happiness. Religious topics should be avoided +in conversation, except where all are prepared to concur in a respectful +treatment of the subject. In mixed societies the subject should never be +introduced. + +Frequent consultation of the watch or time-pieces is impolite, either +when at home or abroad. If at home, it appears as if you were tired of +your company and wished them to be gone; if abroad, as if the hours +dragged heavily, and you were calculating how soon you would be +released. + +Never read in company. A gentleman or lady may, however, look over a +book of engravings with propriety. + +The simpler, and the more easy and unconstrained your manners, the more +you will impress people of your good breeding. _Affectation_ is one of +the brazen marks of vulgarity. + +It is very unbecoming to exhibit petulance, or angry feeling, though it +is indulged in so largely in almost every circle. The true gentleman +does not suffer his countenance to be easily ruffled; and we only look +paltry when we suffer temper to hurry us into ill-judged expressions of +feeling. "He that is soon angry dealeth foolishly." + +Commands should never be given in a commanding tone. A gentleman +requests, he does not command. We are not to assume so much importance, +whatever our station, as to give orders in the "imperative mood," nor +are we ever justified in thrusting the consciousness of servitude on any +one. The blunder of commanding sternly is most frequently committed by +those who have themselves but just escaped servitude, and we should not +exhibit to others a weakness so unbecoming. + +It is a great thing to be able to _walk like a gentleman_--that is, to +get rid of the awkward, lounging, swinging gait of a clown, and stop +before you reach the affected and flippant step of a dandy. In short, +nothing but _being a gentleman_ can ever give you the air and step of +one. A man who has a shallow or an impudent brain will be quite sure to +show it in his heels, in spite of all that rules of manners can do for +him. + +A gentleman never sits in the house with his hat on in the presence of +ladies for a single moment. Indeed, so strong is the force of habit, +that a gentleman will quite unconsciously remove his hat on entering a +parlor, or drawing-room, even if there is no one present but himself. +People who sit in the house with their hats on are to be suspected of +having spent the most of their time in bar-rooms, and similar places. _A +gentleman never sits with his hat on in the theater._ Gentlemen do not +generally sit even in an eating-room with their hats on, if there is any +convenient place to put them. + +The books on etiquette will tell you, that on waiting on a lady into a +carriage, or the box of a theater, you are to take off your hat; but +such _is not_ the custom among polite people in this country. The +inconvenience of such a rule is a good reason against its observance in +a country where the practice of politeness has in it nothing of the +servility which is often attached to it in countries where the code of +etiquette is dictated by the courts of monarchy. In handing a lady into +a carriage, a gentleman _may_ need to employ both his hands, and he has +no third hand to hold on to his hat. + +Cleanliness of person is a distinguishing trait of every well-bred +person; and this not on state occasions only, but at all times, even at +home. It is a folly to sit by the fire in a slovenly state, consoling +oneself with the remark, "Nobody will call to-day." Should somebody call +we are in no plight to receive them, and otherwise it is an injury to +the character to allow slovenly habits to control us even when we are +unseen. + +Chesterfield inveighs against holding a man by the button, "for if +people are not willing to hear you, you had much better hold your tongue +than them." Button-holing is not a common vice, but pointing, nudging, +hitting a man in the side with your fist, or giving him a kick of +recognition under the table, are too common not to be noticed here as +terrible breaches of deportment. Significant looks and gestures are +equally objectionable, and must be avoided by all who desire to soar +above positive vulgarity. I have often been annoyed by hearing a friend +discourse on some person's failings or excellences, the person referred +to being only known to the speaker. It is a bad rule to talk of persons +at all, but more especially if the person spoken of is not known to all +the listeners. + +Do not offer a person the chair from which you have just risen, unless +there be no other in the room. + +Never take the chair usually occupied by the lady or gentleman of the +house, even though they be absent, nor use the snuff-box of another, +unless he offer it. + +Do not lean your head against the wall. You will either soil the paper, +or get your hair well powdered with lime. + +Do not touch any of the ornaments in the houses where you visit; they +are meant only for the use of the lady of the house, and may be admired, +but not touched. + +Lord Chesterfield, in his "Advice to his Son," justly characterizes an +absent man as unfit for business or conversation. Absence of mind is +usually affected, and springs in most cases from a desire to be thought +abstracted in profound contemplations. The world, however, gives a man +no credit for vast ideas who exhibits absence when he should be +attentive, even to trifles. The world is right in this, and I would +implore every studious youth to forget that he is studious when he +enters company. I have seen many a man, who would have made a bright +character otherwise, affect a foolish reserve, remove himself as far +from others as possible, and in a mixed assembly, where social prattle +or sincere conversation enlivened the hearts of the company, sit by +himself abstracted in a book. It is foolish, and, what is worse for the +absentee, it looks so. A hint on this subject is sufficient, and we do +hint, that abstractedness of manner should never be exhibited; the +greatest geniuses have ever been attentive to trifles when it so +behooved them. + +Affectation of superiority galls the feelings of those to whom it is +offered. In company with an inferior, never let him feel his +inferiority. An employer, who invites his confidential clerk to his +house, should treat him in every way the same as his most distinguished +guest. No reference to business should be made, and anything in the +shape of command avoided. It is very easy by a look, a word, the mode of +reception, or otherwise, to advertise to the other guests, "This is my +clerk," or, "The person I now treat as a guest was yesterday laboring in +my service;" but such a thing would lower the host more than it would +annoy the guest. Before Burns had arrived at his high popularity, he was +once invited by some puffed-up lairds to dine, in order that they +might have the gratification of hearing the poet sing one of his own +songs. Burns was shown into the servants' hall, and left to dine with +the menials. After dinner he was invited to the drawing-room, and a +glass of wine being handed to him, requested to sing one of his own +songs. He immediately gave his entertainers that thrilling assertion of +independence, "A man's a man for a' that," and left the moment he had +finished, his heart embittered at patronage offered in a manner so +insulting to his poverty. + +People who have risen in the world are too apt to suppose they render +themselves of consequence _in proportion to the pride they display_, and +their want of attention toward those with whom they come in contact. +This is a terrible mistake, as every ill-bred act recoils with triple +violence against its perpetrators, by leading the offended parties to +analyze them, and to question their right of assuming a superiority to +which they are but rarely entitled. + +Punctuality is one of the characteristics of politeness. He who does not +keep his appointments promptly is unfit for the society of gentlemen, +and will soon find himself shut out from it. + +In private, watch your thoughts; in your family, watch your temper; in +society, watch your tongue. + +Avoid restlessness in company, lest you make the whole party as fidgety +as yourself. "Do not beat the 'Devil's tattoo' by drumming with your +fingers on the table; it cannot fail to annoy every one within hearing, +and is the index of a vacant mind. Neither read the newspaper in an +audible whisper, as it disturbs the attention of those near you. Both +these bad habits are particularly offensive where most common, that is, +in a counting or news-room. Remember, that a carelessness as to what may +incommode others is the sure sign of a coarse and ordinary mind; +indeed, the essential part of good breeding is more in the avoidance of +whatever may be disagreeable to others, than even an accurate observance +of the customs of good society." + +Good sense must, in many cases, determine good breeding; because the +same thing that would be civil at one time and to one person, may be +quite otherwise at another time and to another person. + +Chesterfield says, "As learning, honor, and virtue are absolutely +necessary to gain you the esteem and admiration of mankind, politeness +and good breeding are equally necessary to make you welcome and +agreeable in conversation and common life. Great talents, such as honor, +virtue, learning, and parts, are above the generality of the world, who +neither possess them themselves nor judge of them rightly in others; but +all people are judges of the lesser talents, such as civility, +affability, and an obliging, agreeable address and manner; because they +feel the good effects of them, as making society easy and pleasing." + +If you are in a public room, as a library or reading-room, avoid loud +conversation or laughing, which may disturb others. At the opera, or a +concert, be profoundly silent during the performances; if you do not +wish to hear the music, you have no right to interfere with the +enjoyment of others. + +In accompanying ladies to any public place, as to a concert or lecture, +you should precede them in entering the room, and procure seats for +them. + +Never allow a lady to get a chair for herself, ring a bell, pick up a +handkerchief or glove she may have dropped, or, in short, perform any +service for herself which you can perform for her, when you are in the +room. By extending such courtesies to your mother, sisters, or other +members of your family, they become habitual, and are thus more +gracefully performed when abroad. + +Etiquette in church is entirely out of place; but we may here observe +that a conversation wantonly profligate always offends against good +manners, nor can an irreligious man ever achieve that bearing which +constitutes the true gentleman. He may be very polished and observant of +form, and even if so, he will, out of respect for others, refrain from +intruding his opinions and abstain from attacking those of others. + +Chesterfield says, "Civility is particularly due to all women; and, +remember, that no provocation whatsoever can justify any man in not +being civil to every woman; and the greatest man would justly be +reckoned a brute if he were not civil to the meanest woman. It is due to +their sex, and is the only protection they have against the superior +strength of ours; nay, even a little is allowable with women; and a man +may, without weakness, tell a woman she is either handsomer or wiser +than she is." + +Keep your engagements. Nothing is ruder than to make an engagement, be +it of business or pleasure, and break it. If your memory is not +sufficiently retentive to keep all the engagements you make stored +within it, carry a little memorandum book and enter them there. +Especially keep any appointment made with a lady, for, depend upon it, +the fair sex forgive any other fault in good breeding, sooner than a +broken engagement. + +The right of privacy is sacred, and should always be respected. It is +exceedingly improper to enter a private room anywhere without knocking. +No relation, however intimate, will justify an abrupt intrusion upon a +private apartment. So the trunks, boxes, packets, papers, and letters of +every individual, locked or unlocked, sealed or unsealed, are sacred. It +is ill-manners even to open a book-case, or to read a written paper +lying open, without permission expressed or implied. Books in an open +case or on a center-table, cards in a card-case, and newspapers, are +presumed to be open for examination. Be careful where you go, what you +read, and what you handle, particularly in private apartments. + +Avoid intermeddling with the affairs of others. This is a most common +fault. A number of people seldom meet but they begin discussing the +affairs of some one who is absent. This is not only uncharitable but +positively unjust. It is equivalent to trying a _cause in the absence of +the person implicated_. Even in the criminal code a prisoner is presumed +to be innocent until he is found guilty. Society, however, is less just, +and passes judgment without hearing the defence. Depend upon it, as a +certain rule, _that the people who unite with you in discussing the +affairs of others will proceed to scandalize you the moment that you +depart_. + +Be well read also, for the sake of the general company and the ladies, +in the literature of the day. You will thereby enlarge the regions of +pleasurable talk. Besides, it is often necessary. Haslitt, who had +entertained an unfounded prejudice against Dickens's works when they +were first written, confesses that he was at last obliged to read them, +because he could not enter a mixed company without hearing them admired +and quoted. + +Always conform your conduct, as near as possible, to the company with +whom you are associated. If you should be thrown among people who are +vulgar, it is better to humor them than to set yourself up, then and +there, for a model of politeness. It is related of a certain king that +on a particular occasion he turned his tea into his saucer, contrary to +the etiquette of society, because two country ladies, whose +hospitalities he was enjoying, did so. That king was a gentleman; and +this anecdote serves to illustrate an important principle: namely, that +true politeness and genuine good manners often not only permit, but +absolutely demand, a violation of some of the arbitrary rules of +etiquette. Bear this fact in mind. + +Although these remarks will not be sufficient in themselves to _make_ +you a _gentleman_, yet they will enable you to avoid any glaring +impropriety, and do much to render you easy and confident in society. + +Gentility is neither in birth, manner, nor fashion--but in _the_ MIND. A +high sense of honor--a determination never to take a mean advantage of +another--an adherence to truth, delicacy, and politeness toward those +with whom you may have dealings--are the essential and distinguishing +characteristics of A GENTLEMAN. + + +THE END. + + + + +TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES + + +Italics indicated _like this_ + +Small caps capitalized LIKE THIS + +Other than corrections listed below, inconsistent spellings and other +anomalies are as in original. + + p. 5 "withuot" corrected to "without" + p. 13 double word "heard" corrected + p. 21 "there" corrected to "their" + p. 22 closing quotation mark added to block quotation + p. 27 "sermom" corrected to "sermon" + p. 43 "fluctating" corrected to "fluctuating" + p. 49 "unmindul" corrected to "unmindful" + p. 50 missing comma supplied after "one who is neither" + p. 50 "similiar" corrected to "similar" + p. 50 "supenderless" corrected to "suspenderless" + p. 53 quotation mark supplied after "superficial observer." + p. 56 "four and-twenty" corrected to "four-and-twenty" + p. 61 "repectability" corrected to "respectability" + p. 62 "uneviable" corrected to "unenviable" + p. 70 "digusting" corrected to "disgusting" + p. 73 "you" corrected to "your" + p. 76 "alllowed" corrected to "allowed" + p. 76 "canibals" corrected to "cannibals" + p. 77 "you knife" corrected to "your knife" + p. 83 superfluous comma removed in "very, large" + p. 84 missing "a" supplied in "find good carver" + p. 108 period supplied after "each other at a party" + p. 115 "entranc" corrected to "entrance" + p. 115 final period supplied in footnote + p. 125 final period supplied after "been afforded them" + p. 146 "judicioulsy" corrected to "judiciously" + p. 148 "unless he intimate" corrected to "unless he intimates" + p. 148 "intercourse it desired" corrected to "intercourse is desired" + p. 149 double word "to" corrected + p. 151 "departmemt" corrected to "department" + p. 151 "husbands should" at start of sentence capitalized + p. 158 "digusting" corrected to "disgusting" + p. 159 "thought it is" corrected to "though it is" + p. 161 double word "call" corrected + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Martine's Hand-book of Etiquette, and +Guide to True Politeness, by Arthur Martine + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MARTINE'S HAND-BOOK OF ETIQUETTE *** + +***** This file should be named 36048.txt or 36048.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/6/0/4/36048/ + +Produced by Julia Miller, Matthew Wheaton and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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