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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105,
+August 12th 1893, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105, August 12th 1893
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: May 19, 2011 [EBook #36140]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOLUME 105, August 12th 1893
+
+_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_
+
+
+
+
+THE CLOSURE AT HOME.
+
+Paterfamilias entered the drawing-room at ten minutes to six o'clock,
+and found the family still undecided. There was a pause in the
+conversation when he made his appearance.
+
+"Where are we to go?" he asked, taking out his watch. "You have been
+quarrelling for the last week, and I have given you till this hour. So
+get through your amendments as fast as you can."
+
+"I prefer Paris," said Materfamilias, "and I am supported by all the
+girls. We are decidedly in a majority."
+
+"Paris is simply awful at the end of July!" cried the eldest son.
+"Give you my word, mother, the place is impossible."
+
+"Venice would certainly be better," said his younger brother.
+"Charming place, and you get a very decent _table d'hôte_ at
+DANIELI'S."
+
+"Oh, Venice is too dreadful just now!" exclaimed Aunt MATILDA. "If
+_we_ are to go with you, we certainly can't travel there. Besides,
+there's the cholera all over the Continent. Now Oban would be nice."
+
+"Are you speaking seriously?" asked Cousin JANE. "Scotland never
+agrees with me, but Cairo would be perfect."
+
+"Do you think so, my dear girl?" put in Uncle JOHN. "I fancy you
+are making a mistake. Egypt is very well in the winter, but it
+is fearfully hot in August. Now they tell me Killarney is simply
+delightful at this season."
+
+"Ireland! No, thank you!" exclaimed REGINALD. "We have had enough of
+Home Rule on this side of the Channel to go across to find it on the
+other. No; give me Spain, or even Russia."
+
+The hands of the clock were close upon the hour, but still there was a
+minute or so to spare.
+
+"Russia indeed!" snapped out PRISCILLA. "Who ever would go to Russia?
+But people do tell me that Chicago is well worth seeing, and----"
+
+At this moment the clock struck six.
+
+"Time's up," cried Paterfamilias. "We will all go to Herne Bay."
+
+And they did.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE TEST OF TRUE GENIUS.
+
+_Pictor Ignotus Number One._ "YES; I RATHER FLATTER MYSELF THERE ARE
+PRECIOUS FEW OF MY CONTEMPORARIES WHO CARE ABOUT _MY_ WORK!"
+
+_Pictor Ignotus Number Two_ (_not to be beaten_). "BY JOVE! I RATHER
+FLATTER MYSELF I'VE GOT THE PULL OF YOU _THERE_, OLD MAN! WHY, THERE'S
+_NOBODY_ CARES ABOUT _MINE_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The New Atomic Theory.
+
+(_According to the New Journalism_).
+
+  Mankind are debtors to two mighty creditors,
+  Omniscient Science, and infallible Editors.
+  Nature is summed in principles and particles;
+  The moral world in Laws and Leading Articles!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CRICKET ACROSS THE CHANNEL.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+We believe that our lively neighbours, the French, having seen that
+there is a chance of some alteration being made in the rules of
+cricket in England, have determined to suggest some changes on their
+own account. We give the first list of proposals:--
+
+1. The ball in future is to be made of india-rubber.
+
+2. Armour to be allowed to the striker, so as to prevent accidents
+from the ball.
+
+3. The umpires to be henceforth experienced surgeons, so that their
+medical services may be available for the wounded.
+
+4. Camp-stools to be permitted to the long-stop, and other hard-worked
+members of the field.
+
+5. Fielders expected to run after a rapidly-driven ball, to be allowed
+to follow the object on bicycles.
+
+6. The wicket-keeper to have a small portable fortress in front of him
+to keep him out of danger.
+
+7. The bats to be made of the same materials as those used in
+lawn-tennis.
+
+8. The game to commence with the "luncheon interval," to be employed
+in discussing a _déjeuner à la fourchette_.
+
+9. The uniform of the cricketer in future to consist of a horn, a
+hunting-knife, jockey-cap and fishing-boots, in fact the costume of
+the earliest French exponent of the game.
+
+10. The outside to have the right to declare the game closed when
+fatigued.
+
+11. A band of music to be engaged to play a popular programme. A
+flourish of trumpets to announce the triumph of the striker when he
+succeeds in hitting the ball.
+
+12. Those who take part in the great game to be decorated with a
+medal. All future matches to be commemorated with clasps, to denote
+the player's bravery.
+
+Should these reforms be adopted by the M. C. C., there seems little
+doubt that the national game of England will receive a fresh lease of
+popularity in the land that faces Albion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LATEST CRISIS.
+
+    [Mr. BARTLEY protested in the House of Commons against Mr. W.
+    O'BRIEN'S conduct in dining in the House with strangers at
+    a table reserved for Members. Mr. O'BRIEN explained that Mr.
+    AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN had taken a table which he (Mr.
+    O'BRIEN) had previously reserved. The question is under the
+    consideration of the Kitchen Committee.]
+
+  A crisis! A crisis! The man is a fool
+  Who desires at this moment to talk of Home Rule.
+  Though we know that in Egypt a something is rotten,
+  The intrigues of young ABBAS are straightway forgotten;
+  And we think just as much of the woes of Siam
+  As we care for that coin of small value--a _dam_.
+  For a crisis has come, and the House is unable
+  To detach its attention from questions of table.
+  Their tongues and their brains all the Members exhaust in
+  Discussing the rights of O'BRIEN and AUSTEN.
+  They debate in an access of anger and gloom
+  As to who took from which what was kept, and for whom.
+  The letters they wrote, the retorts they made tartly
+  Are detailed--gracious Powers preserve us--by BARTLEY,
+  Who can bend--only statesmen are formed for such feats--
+  His mind, which is massive, to questions of seats,
+  And discuss with a zest which is equal to TANNER'S,
+  The absorbing details of a matter of manners.
+  Mr. BARTLEY you like to be heard than to hear
+  Far more, but, forgive me, a word in your ear.
+  Though we greatly rejoice when all records are cut
+  By your steam-hammer mind in thus smashing a nut,
+  Yet we think it were well if the Kitchen could settle
+  In private this question of pot _versus_ kettle.
+  And in future, when dog-like men fight for a bone,
+  Take a hint, Mr. BARTLEY, and leave them alone.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LATEST FROM THE NATIONAL BOXING SALOON (_with the kind regards of the_
+SPEAKER).--"The nose has it, and so have the eyes!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SAINT IZAAK AND HIS VOTARIES.
+
+_Mr. Punch's Tercentenary Tribute to the Author of "The Compleat
+Angler."_
+
+    [August 9th this year is the 300th anniversary of the birth,
+    in the ancient house at Stafford, of IZAAK WALTON.]
+]
+
+  Good IZAAK of the diction quaint,
+    The calendar holds many a fellow
+  Less worthy to be dubbed a saint
+    (For gentle heart and wisdom mellow)
+  Than thou, the Angler's genial guide
+  By wandering brook and river wide.
+
+  "I care not, I, to fish in seas,"
+    So chirped WILL BASSE, thy favourite singer,
+  "Fresh rivers best my mind do please."
+    Bard-loving quoter, brave back-bringer
+  Of England's pastoral scenes and songs,
+  All England's praise to thee belongs.
+
+  Thy Book bewitches more than those
+    Who are sworn "Brothers of the Angle."
+  Scents of fresh pastures, wilding rose,
+    All trailing flowers that intertangle
+  In England's hedgerows, seem to fill
+  Its pages and our pulses thrill.
+
+  We see the stretch "up Totnam Hil,"
+    Toward the "Thatcht House" that fresh May morning;
+  We hear VIATOR praise the skill
+    That he was first inclined to scorning;
+  We mark the Master's friendly proffer
+  Change him to votary from scoffer.
+
+  Those "many grave and serious men,"
+    He chid as "men of sowr complexions,"
+  If they resist his graphic pen,
+    His pastorals sweet, his quaint reflections,
+  Must have indeed mere souls of earth,
+  To beauty blind, untuned to mirth.
+
+  The "poor-rich-men" he pitied so
+    All Anglers, and wise hearts, must pity.
+  His song's queer "trollie lollie loe,"
+    Sounds cheerily as the blackbird's ditty,
+  To men in populous city pent,
+  Who know the Angler's calm content.
+
+  And even those who know it not,
+    Nor care--poor innocents!--to know it,
+  Whom ne'er the Fisher's favoured lot
+    Has thrilled as sportsman, fired as poet,
+  May love to turn the leaves, and halt on
+  The quaint conceits of honest WALTON.
+
+  The man whose only "quill" 's a pen,
+    Who keeps no rod and tackle handy,
+  May hear thy "merry river" when
+    "It bubbles, dances, and grows sandy."
+  May sit beneath thy beech, and wish
+  To catch thy voice, if not thy fish:
+
+  May love to sit or stroll with thee,
+    Amidst the grassy water-meadows;
+  The culverkeys and cowslips see,
+    Dancing in summer's lights and shadows;
+  And watch yon youngster gathering stocks
+  Of lilies and of lady-smocks:
+
+  To hear thy milkmaid, MAUDLIN, troll
+    Choice morsels from KIT MARLOW sweetly;
+  And MAUDLIN'S mother,--honest soul,
+    Whose "golden age" has fled so fleetly!--
+  Respond with RALEIGH'S answering rhyme
+  Of wisdom past its active prime:
+
+  To take a draught of sound old ale--
+    What tipple wholesomer or sweeter?--
+  At the old ale-house in the vale,
+    With CORYDON and brother PETER;
+  And share the "Musick"'s mellow bout,
+  As they at supper shared the trout.
+
+  Then to that cleanly room and sweet--
+    After a gay good night to all--
+  Lavender scent about the sheet,
+    And "ballads stuck about the wall,"
+  And fall on sleep devoid of sorrow,
+  With fair dreams filled of sport to-morrow.
+
+  What wonder WALTON'S work has charmed
+    Three centuries? That his bait has captured
+  The grey recluse, the boy switch-armed,
+    The sage, the statesman, bard enraptured,
+  Gay girl--are fish her only spoil?--
+  And grave Thames-haunting son of toil!
+
+  Thy votaries, good Saint IZAAK, are
+    "All who love _quietnesse_, and _vertue_."
+  Is there on whom such praises jar?
+    Well, join for once--it scarce can hurt you--
+  In _Punch's_ Tribute; fortune wishing
+  To gentle souls who "go a-fishing!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GUESSES AT TRUTH.
+
+_Mr. Laidislaw._ "HANDSOME WOMAN OUR HOSTESS--DON'T YOU THINK? BY THE
+BYE, WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE HER AGE IS?"
+
+_Miss St. Cyr._ "WELL, I SHOULD FANCY, WHAT THE ILLUSTRATED
+BIOGRAPHIES CALL 'PRESENT DAY!'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HERE'S TO THE CLIENT."
+
+  Here's to the client who makes his own will,
+    And here's to his friends who dispute it;
+  Here's to the case which is drawn up with skill,
+    And the time that it takes to refute it.
+
+  Here's to the felon whose crimes are a score,
+    And here's to the wretch with but one, Sirs;
+  Fraudulent trustees, directors galore,
+    And the various things that they've done, Sirs.
+
+  Here's to the costs which will mount up apace,
+    When the action comes on for a hearing,
+  "Retainers," "refreshers," and all of their race,
+    Which they lavish on us for appearing.
+
+  Here's to the Law, with its hand just and strong,
+    Which has grown from the earliest ages;
+  And here's to this lay, which we hope's not too long
+    For _Punch_ to put into his pages.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW VERSION OF AN OLD SAYING (_adapted for exclusive swells who cannot
+enjoy even a Sport when it becomes "so common, don't-cha!"_).--What is
+Everybody's pleasure is Nobody's pleasure!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO A SWISS BAROMETER.
+
+  Oh, optimistic instrument,
+    No other ever seeks
+  To raise one's hopes--benevolent
+    You always show _Beau fixe_!
+
+  Though meteorologic swells
+    Predict wet days for weeks,
+  Your well-intentioned pointer tells
+    Of nothing but _Beau fixe_.
+
+  How sweet, when in the dewy morn--
+    So dewy!--up the peaks
+  We start through drizzle all forlorn,
+    To read again _Beau fixe_.
+
+  It makes us think of sunny lands,
+    Where weather has no freaks,
+  To see, they're always so, your hands
+    Both point to that _Beau fixe_.
+
+  And though we're sodden to the skin,
+    Through coat and vest and breeks,
+  You did not mean to take us in
+    In spite of your _Beau fixe_.
+
+  We tramp, expecting soon to see
+    In that grey sky some streaks;
+  Ah no, it's fixed as fixed can be,
+    As fixed as your _Beau fixe_.
+
+  No matter, we get used to rain,
+    And mop our streaming cheeks,
+  Quite sure, when we get home again,
+    You cannot say _Beau fixe_.
+
+  At last, all soaked, we stagger in--
+    One's clothing simply leaks--
+  And still you say, through thick and thin,
+    Unchangeably _Beau fixe_.
+
+  We change, although you don't; no thread
+    Is dry on us; small creeks
+  Form where we stand, all drenched from head
+    To foot. Blow your _Beau fixe_!
+
+  This beastly weather might have riled
+    The philosophic Greeks;
+  It makes us simple Britons wild,
+    Combined with your _Beau fixe_.
+
+  We tell the landlord we must go--
+    Poor man, he rather piques
+  Himself upon the weather, so
+    Incessantly _Beau fixe_.
+
+  "_Ah, non, ça va changer ce soir!_"
+    Thus hopefully he speaks,
+  "_Si Monsieur voulait bien voir
+    Le baromètre--Beau fixe!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN AUTHORITY ON THE THEORY AND PRACTICE OF THE "BUFFER
+STATE"!!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Adapted.
+
+(_To the Unionist Needs of the Moment._)
+
+  Other men have many faults,
+      Mr. GLADSTONE has but two;
+  There's nothing wise that he can say,
+      and nothing right that he can do.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In a recent case, Mr. LANE, the magistrate, is reported to have
+informed an inquiring husband, "If your wife turns you out she is not
+bound to find you a home; but if _you_ turn your wife out you _are_
+bound to find _her_ a home." This suggests a new Charity, "The Home
+for Turned-out Wives." These ladies would be seen driving out in
+well-appointed traps, and gain a new status in Society as being
+"uncommonly well-turned-out" wives.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER SCENE AT THE PLAY.
+
+(_That never should be tolerated._)
+
+SCENE--_Auditorium of a Fashionable Theatre. Vast majority of the
+audience deeply interested in the action and dialogue of an excellent
+piece. Enter a party of Lady Emptyheads into a Private Box._
+
+_First Emptyhead (taking off her wraps)._ I told you there was no
+necessity to hurry away from dinner. You see they are getting on very
+well without us.
+
+_Second Empt. (seating herself in front of the box)._ Yes. And it's so
+much pleasanter to chat than to listen. This piece, they tell me, is
+full of clever dialogue--so satisfactory to people who like that sort
+of thing.
+
+_Third Empt. (looking round the house with an opera-glass)._ Why
+scarcely a soul in the place we know. Well, I suppose everybody is
+leaving town. Stay, is that Mrs. EVERGREEN TOFFY?
+
+_Fourth Empt. (also using her glasses)._ Why, yes. I wish we could
+make her see us.
+
+_First Empt._ Haven't you noticed that you never can attract attention
+when you want to? Isn't it provoking?
+
+_Second Empt._ Oh, terribly; and there is Captain DASHALONG. Why, I
+thought he was at Aldershot.
+
+_Third Empt._ Oh, they always give them leave about this time of the
+year.
+
+_Rest of Audience (sternly)._ Hush! S-s-s-h-s-h!
+
+_Fourth Empt._ I wonder what's the piece about.
+
+_Third Empt._ Oh, it doesn't in the least matter. Sure to be
+sparkling. Do you like that woman's hair?
+
+_Fourth Empt._ Scarcely. It's the wrong shade. How can people make
+such frights of themselves!
+
+_First Empt._ I wonder if this is the Second Act, or the First!
+
+_Third Empt._ What does it matter! I never worry about a piece, for I
+know I shall see all about it afterwards in the papers.
+
+_Rest of Audience (with increased sternness)._ Hush! S-s-s-h-s-h!
+
+_Second Empt._ I always come to this theatre because the chairs are
+comfortable. What is the good of going to the play unless you can
+enjoy yourself?
+
+_Third Empt._ Quite so. And it's much better fun without one's
+husband, isn't it?
+
+_First Empt._ Of course. I never bring mine, because he always goes to
+sleep! So disrespectful to the actresses and actors!
+
+_Second Empt._ Yes. Of course, one ought to listen to what's going on,
+even if you don't care what it's all about.
+
+_Fourth Empt._ Quite so. Not that it isn't pleasant to look round the
+house.
+
+_Rest of Audience (angrier than ever)._ Hush! S-s-s-h-s-h!
+
+_Third Empt._ Yes, I often think that this side of the curtain is
+quite as amusing as the other.
+
+_Fourth Empt._ I wonder what they are doing on the stage? Oh, I see
+that the Act is nearly over! Well, I daresay it has been very amusing.
+
+_Rest of Audience (furious)._ Hush! Hush! Hush!
+
+_First Empt._ There descends the curtain! By the way, what a noise
+those people in the pit have been making! I wonder what it was all
+about?
+
+_Second Empt._ I haven't the faintest notion. However, when the
+play begins again, I hope they won't make any more noise. It is so
+disrespectful to the Audience.
+
+_First Empt._ And the Company. Why can't people behave themselves in a
+theatre?
+
+_Second, Third, and Fourth Empt. (in chorus)._ Ah yes! Why can't they?
+
+[_Scene closes in upon a renewal of chatter upon the raising of the
+Curtain on another Act._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"GIVE A _DAY_ A BAD NAME AND----."--It is stated that the day of the
+disgraceful Donnybrook in the House of Commons has been nicknamed
+"Collar Day," because Mr. HAYES FISHER seized Mr. LOGAN by the collar,
+and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN "collared" Mr. O'BRIEN'S table in the dining-room.
+This is all very well in its way, but would not "_Choler_ Day" be more
+appropriate and intelligible?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DREAM-BOOK
+
+_For Would-be Travellers._
+
+If you dream of--
+
+_Antwerp._ Remember the Reubens and forget the passage over.
+
+_Boulogne._ Remember the Casino and forget the Port.
+
+_Calais._ Remember the Restaurant at the station and forget the dull
+surroundings.
+
+_Dieppe._ Remember the Plage and forget the occasional gales.
+
+_Etretat._ Remember the sands and forget the prices.
+
+_Florence._ Remember the pictures and forget the heat.
+
+_Geneva._ Remember the lake and forget the city.
+
+_Heidelberg._ Remember the castle and forget the climbing.
+
+_Interlachen._ Remember the Jung Frau and forget the tourists.
+
+_Japan._ Remember the interesting associations and forget the length
+of the journey.
+
+_Lisburn._ Remember that it is little known and forget that it is not
+worth seeing.
+
+_Madrid._ Remember that you can get there in two days and forget that
+you will regret the time you spend upon the trip.
+
+_Naples._ Remember that you should see the Bay and forget that you are
+expected to die immediately afterwards.
+
+_Paris._ Remember that it is always pleasant and forget that the
+exception is during August.
+
+_Quebec._ Remember it's in Canada and forget that it's the least
+pleasing place in America.
+
+_Rome._ Remember its objects of interest and forget its fever.
+
+_Strasbourg._ Remember that it has a Cathedral and forget that the
+clock is a fraud.
+
+_Turin._ Remember that it might be quite worth the journey and forget
+that it isn't.
+
+_Venice._ Remember its canals and forget its odours.
+
+_Vichy._ Remember that there is a good hotel and forget that you have
+been there a dozen times before.
+
+_Wiesbaden._ Remember the glories of its past and forget the sadness
+of its present.
+
+_Zurich._ Remember that it is completely abroad and forget that
+there's no place like home.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GOOD RESOLUTIONS.
+
+_Blenkinsop (on a Friend's Yacht) soliloquises._ "I KNOW ONE THING,
+IF EVER I'M RICH ENOUGH TO KEEP A YACHT, I SHALL SPEND THE MONEY IN
+HORSES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONLY THEIR PLAY!
+
+  Abnormal natures, morbid motives! Yes!
+  These things, upon the stage, perhaps impress.
+  Monstrosities, not true men's hearts, nor women's.
+  Trolls, with a touch of the _delirium tremens_,
+  Neurotic neurospasts, puppets whose wires
+  Are pulled by morbid dreams and mad desires;
+  Not men and women 'midst our world's temptations,
+  But fevered phantasy's bizarre creations.
+  Despite _Solness_ and _Mrs. Tanqueray_,
+  "People don't do these things"--except _in play_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AS IN A GLASS DARKLY.--Grubby and grovelling "Realists" boast that
+they only "hold the mirror up to Nature." Perhaps! But when their
+particular "mirror" happens to be--as it commonly is--dirty and
+distorting, Nature, like the victim of a bad looking-glass at a
+country inn, is taken at a disadvantage. There are mirrors which make
+a man look a monster, but then the monstrosity is not in the man but
+the mirror.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TIMON ON BIMETALLISM.
+
+(_Adapted from Shakspeare._)
+
+    ["He advocates bimetallism with the passionate ardour of a
+    prophet promulgating a new revelation. On most subjects he is
+    cool, analytical, _and perhaps a little cynical_; but on this
+    subject he is an enthusiast."--_The Times on Mr. Balfour's
+    Speech about Bimetallism._]
+
+_Timon of London, loquitur_:--
+
+                          The learned pate
+  Ducks to the golden fool; all is oblique;
+  There's nothing level in our currency
+  But monometallism! Gold doth lord
+  Great lands, societies, and throngs of men.
+  That the sun rounds the earth, that earth's a disc,
+  Are foolish fads that TIMON much disdains
+  As duping dull mankind. But will they rank
+  _My_ fad--Bimetallism--along with such?
+  I seek a dual standard; gold alone
+  Is a most operant poison! What is here?
+  Gold? yellow, precious, glittering gold? No, gods,
+  I am no aureate votarist. Silver seems
+  To me, and to wise WALSH, a fair twin-standard
+  Fit to set up, that variable values
+  May find stability in dual change,
+  _With_ a fixed ratio, which the world must find,
+  Or our one standard, like a pirate's flag,
+  Will lead us to disaster. Monometallism
+  Is--Monomania. This yellow slave
+  Will break, not knit, our Commerce. I can be
+  Cool, analytical, even cynical
+  On trifles--such as Separatism's sin,
+  Or County Council Crime; but this thing stirs
+  My tepid blood, e'en as Statistics warm
+  The chilly soul of GOSCHEN. Come, curst gold,
+  Thou common ore of mankind, that putt'st odds
+  Among the rout of nations, I will make thee
+  Take thy right place! Thou mak'st my heart beat quick,
+  But yet I'll bury thee: thou'lt go, strong thief,
+  Orthodox keepers of thee cannot stand
+  Against a passionate prophet's promulgation
+  Of a new economic revelation.
+  "Put up your gold!" But put up silver, too,
+  (As WALSH, and GRENFELL, and Sage CHAPLIN urge),
+  Or banded Europe--some day--shall smash up
+  Our City to financial chaos. Aye!
+  I may talk lightly about trivial things,
+  And cynically smile on twaddle's trifles,--
+  Union of hearts, optimist ecstasies,
+  Fervours, and faiths, the breeks of prisoned Pats,
+  Coercion's bondage and such bagatelles--
+  But on this Titan theme--Bimetallism--
+  TIMON is in hot earnest!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Short Way with Wasps.
+
+  A plague of wasps infests the South
+    In consequence of the hot season!--
+  Humph! Is it torrid heat and drouth
+    Deprive our Commons of cool reason?
+  A plague of wasps infests the House!
+    Its managers the matter mull, for
+  They have not (like poor HODGE) the _nous_
+    To smoke pests out with (moral) sulphur!
+  To check HAYES FISHER'S style, or TIM'S tone,
+  MELLOR tries treacle; he needs brimstone.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A LESSON.
+
+_Father_ (_on receiving Bill for Luncheon at one of our very modern
+London Restaurants_). "HALLO! WHAT!! OVER TWO GUINEAS FOR MERELY----!
+WHY, HANG IT----!"
+
+_His Son_ (_small Etonian_). "OH, WELL NEVER MIND, FATHER. IT'S A
+THING TO DO _ONCE_, AND WE WON'T DO IT AGAIN!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE STORMY PETREL.
+
+    ["This bird has long been celebrated for the manner in which
+    it passes over the waves, pattering with its webbed feet
+    and flapping its wings so as to keep itself just above the
+    surface. It thus traverses the ocean with wonderful ease, the
+    billows rolling beneath its feet and passing away under the
+    bird without in the least disturbing it."--_Wood's Popular
+    Natural History._]
+
+  Only a Petrel, I,
+  Telling the storm is nigh;
+  Fleet o'er the waves I fly,
+    When skies look stormy.
+  When things are calm and slow,
+  I 'midst Brum rocks lie low;
+  But when wild breezes blow
+    Men may look for me.
+
+  Lured from my Midland home,
+  When gales begin to roam
+  Proudly I skim the foam,
+    Flappering and pattering!
+  I with the airiest ease
+  Traverse the angriest seas
+  Round the wild Hebrides
+    Bellowing and battering.
+
+  But the wild Irish coast
+  Suits my strong flight the most.
+  Breeze-baffling wings I boast,
+    Nothing disturbs me.
+  Cool 'midst the tempest's crash,
+  Swift through the foam I dash,
+  Wind flout or lightning flash
+    Scares not, nor curbs me.
+
+  Sea-birds are silly things,
+  Squat bodies, stunted wings.
+  Where is the bard who sings
+    Penguin or puffin,
+  Grebe, guillemot, or gull?
+  Oh, the winged noodles, null,
+  In timid flocks and dull,
+    Squattin' and stuffin'!
+
+  I, like the albatross,
+  Love on the winds to toss,
+  Where gales and currents cross
+    My fodder finding.
+  Let Gulls and Boobies rest
+  Safe in a sheltered nest,
+  I'm bold the breeze to breast
+    Tamer fowl blinding.
+
+  Only a Petrel, I,
+  Calm in a calm I lie,
+  But when 'neath darkening sky
+    Strife lifteth her face,
+  When the red lightnings glare,
+  Then, from my rocky lair
+  Darting, I cleave the air,
+    Skimming sea's surface.
+
+  Some swear the storm I raise;
+  That's superstition's craze;
+  But on tempestuous days,
+    Wild, wet, and windy,
+  Herald of storm I fly.
+  Only a Petrel, I,
+  But when my form you spy,--
+    Look out for shindy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"BENEFITS FORGOT."--This is the title of a serial in _Scribners'_.
+Many over-strict persons will not read it, being under the impression
+that the story is essentially theatrical. A natural mistake. Nothing
+in an actor's life could give occasion for more bitter reflection than
+the memory of "Benefits Forgot," especially after they had been got up
+and advertised at great personal expense.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO A FINE WOMAN.
+
+(_By a Little Man._)
+
+  "Can my eyes reach thy size?"
+    Asked the Lilliputian poet,
+  As I've read. Can my head
+    Reach your shoulder? It's below it.
+
+  Women all are so tall
+    Nowadays, but you're gigantic;
+  One so vast, sweeping past,
+    Makes my five feet four feel frantic.
+
+  Each girl tries exercise,
+    Rows, rides, runs, golf, cricket, tennis,
+  Games for an Olympian--
+    Greek Olympia, not "Venice."
+
+  Stalks and shoots, climbs in boots
+    Like a navvy's not a dandy's,
+  Ice-axe takes, records breaks--
+    If not neck--on Alps or Andes.
+
+  Alps in height, girls affright
+    Men, like me, of puny figure;
+  They are too tall, but you
+    Are preposterously bigger.
+
+  At this dance, if I glance
+    Round the room, I see I'm smallest;
+  You instead are a head
+    Over girls and men, you're tallest.
+
+  As a pair, at a fair,
+    Any showman might produce us;
+  Dwarf I'd do, giant you----
+    What! They want to introduce us?
+
+  Can I whirl such a girl?
+    Calisthenics could not teach it.
+  I, effaced, clasp your waist?
+    I'll be hanged if I can reach it!
+
+[Illustration: THE STORMY PETREL!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ADVENTURES OF PICKLOCK HOLES.
+
+(_By Cunnin Toil._)
+
+No. I.--THE BISHOP'S CRIME.
+
+I was sitting alone in my room at 10.29 on the night of the 14th of
+last November. I had been doing a good deal of work lately, and I
+was tired. Moreover, I had had more than one touch of that old Afghan
+fever, which always seemed to be much more inclined to touch than to
+go. However, we can't have everything here to please us; and as I had
+only the other day attended two bankers and a Lord Mayor for measles,
+I had no real cause to complain of my prospects. I had drawn the old
+armchair in which I was sitting close to the fire, and, not having
+any bread handy, I was occupied in toasting my feet at the blaze
+when suddenly the clock on the mantelpiece struck the half hour, and
+PICKLOCK HOLES stood by my side. I was too much accustomed to his
+proceedings to express any surprise at seeing him thus, but I own
+that I was itching to ask him how he had managed to get into my house
+without ringing the bell. However, I refrained, and motioned him to a
+chair.
+
+"My friend," said this extraordinary man, without the least preface,
+"you've been smoking again. You know you have; it's not the least use
+denying it." I absolutely gasped with astonishment, and gazed at him
+almost in terror. How had he guessed my secret? He read my thoughts,
+and smiled.
+
+"Oh, simply enough. That spot on your shirt-cuff is black. But
+it might have been yellow, or green, or blue, or brown, or
+rainbow-coloured. But I know you smoke Rainbow mixture, and as your
+canary there in the corner has just gone blind, I know further that
+bird's-eye is one of the component parts of the mixture."
+
+"HOLES," I cried, dropping my old meerschaum out of my mouth in my
+amazement; "I don't believe you're a man at all--you're a devil."
+
+"Thank you for the compliment," he replied, without moving a single
+muscle of his marble face. "You ought not to sup----" He was going
+to have added "pose," but the first syllable seemed to suggest a
+new train of thought (in which, I may add, there was no second class
+whatever) to my inexplicable friend.
+
+"No," he said; "the devilled bones were not good. Don't interrupt me;
+you had devilled bones for supper, or rather you would have had them,
+only you didn't like them. Do you see that match? A small piece
+is broken off the bottom, but enough is left to show it was once
+a lucifer--in other words, a devil. It is lying at the feet of
+the skeleton which you use for your anatomical investigations, and
+therefore I naturally conclude that you had devilled bones for
+supper. You didn't eat them, _for not a single bone of the skeleton is
+missing_. Do I make myself clear?"
+
+"You do," I said, marvelling more than ever at the extraordinary
+perspicacity of the man. As a matter of fact, my supper had consisted
+of bread and cheese; but I felt that it would be in extremely bad
+taste for a struggling medical practitioner like myself to contradict
+a detective whose fame had extended to the ends of the earth. I picked
+up my pipe, and relit it, and, for a few moments, we sat in silence.
+At last I ventured to address him.
+
+"Anything new?" I said.
+
+"No, not exactly new," he said, wearily, passing his sinewy hand over
+his expressionless brow. "Have you a special _Evening Standard_? I
+conclude you have, as I see no other evening papers here. Do you mind
+handing it to me?"
+
+There was no deceiving this weird creature. I took the paper he
+mentioned from my study table, and handed it to him.
+
+"Now listen," said HOLES, and then read, in a voice devoid of any sign
+of emotion, the following paragraph:--"This morning, as Mrs.
+DRABLEY, a lady of independent means, was walking in Piccadilly, she
+inadvertently stepped on a piece of orange-peel, and fell heavily
+on the pavement. She was carried into the shop of Messrs. SALVER AND
+TANKARD, the well-known silversmiths, and it was at first thought she
+had broken her right leg. However, on being examined by a medical man
+who happened to be passing, she was pronounced to be suffering
+from nothing worse than a severe bruise, and, in the course of
+half-an-hour, she recovered sufficiently to be able to proceed on her
+business. This is the fifth accident caused by orange-peel at the same
+place within the last week."
+
+[Illustration: "The Bishop was in his night-gown, and the sight of two
+strangers visibly alarmed him."]
+
+"It _is_ scandalous!" I broke in. "This mania for dropping orange-peel
+is decimating London. Curiously enough I happen to be the medical man
+who----"
+
+"Yes, I know; you are the medical man who was passing."
+
+"HOLES," I ejaculated, "you are a magician."
+
+"No, not a magician; only a humble seeker after truth, who uses as a
+basis for his deduction some slight point that others are too blind
+to grasp. Now you think the matter ends there. I don't. I mean to
+discover who dropped that orange-peel. Will you help me?"
+
+"Of course I will, but how do you mean to proceed? There must be
+thousands of people who eat oranges every day in London."
+
+"Be accurate, my dear fellow, whatever you do. There are 78,965, not
+counting girls. But this piece was not dropped by a girl."
+
+"How do you know?" I asked.
+
+"Never mind; it is sufficient that I do know it. Read this," he
+continued, pointing to another column of the paper. This is what I
+read:--
+
+"MISSIONARY ENTERPRISE.--A great conference of American and Colonial
+Bishops was held in Exeter Hall this afternoon. The proceedings opened
+with an impassioned speech from the Bishop of FLORIDA----"
+
+"Never mind the rest," said HOLES, "that's quite enough. Now read
+this":--
+
+"The magnificent silver bowl to be presented to the Bishop of Florida
+by some of his English friends is now on view at Messrs. SALVER
+AND TANKARD'S in Piccadilly. It is a noble specimen of the British
+silversmith's art." An elaborate description followed.
+
+"These paragraphs," continued HOLES, in his usual impassive manner,
+"give me the clue I want. Florida is an orange-growing country. Let us
+call on the Bishop."
+
+In a moment we had put on our hats, and in another moment we were in
+a Hansom on our way to the Bishop's lodgings in Church Street, Soho.
+HOLES gained admittance by means of his skeleton key. We passed
+noiselessly up the stairs, and, without knocking, entered the Bishop's
+bedroom. He was in his night-gown, and the sight of two strangers
+visibly alarmed him.
+
+"I am a detective," began HOLES.
+
+"Oh," said the Bishop, turning pale. "Then I presume you have called
+about that curate who disappeared in an alligator swamp close to my
+episcopal palace in Florida. It is not true that I killed him. He----"
+
+"Tush," said HOLES, "we are come about weightier matters. This morning
+at half-past eleven your lordship was standing outside the shop of
+SALVER AND TANKARD looking at your presentation bowl. You were eating
+an orange. You stowed the greater part of the peel in your coat-tail
+pocket, but you dropped, maliciously dropped, one piece on the
+pavement. Shortly afterwards a stout lady passing by trod on it and
+fell. Have you anything to say?"
+
+The Bishop made a movement, but HOLES was before-hand with him. He
+dashed to a long black coat that hung behind the door, inserted his
+hand deftly in the pocket, and pulled out the fragmentary remains of a
+large Florida orange.
+
+"As I supposed," he said, "a piece is missing."
+
+But the miserable prelate had fallen senseless on the floor, where we
+left him.
+
+"HOLES," I said, "this is one of your very best. How on earth did you
+know you would find that orange-peel in his coat?"
+
+"I didn't find it there," replied my friend; "I brought it with me,
+and had it in my hand when I put it in his pocket. I knew I should
+have to use strong measures with so desperate a character. My dear
+fellow, all these matters require tact and imagination."
+
+And that was how we brought home the orange-peel to the Bishop.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Ben Trovato.
+
+  A penny-a-liner heard--with a not unnatural choler--
+    That he of all invention was apparently bereft;
+  And so he up and told them that a smart left-handed bowler,
+    "Manipulates the leather with the left!"
+  That's very chaste and novel, and alliterative too;
+  As a sham Swinburnian poet we should think that man might do!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EDUCATED.
+
+(_From a Yorkshire Moor._)
+
+_Keeper (to the Captain, who has missed again, and is letting off
+steam in consequence)._ "OH DEAR! OH DEAR! IT'S HAWFUL TO SEE YER
+MISSIN' OF 'EM, SIR; BUT"--(_with admiration_)--"YE'RE A SCHOLARD I'
+LANGWIDGE, SIR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CRICKET CONGRATULATIONS.
+
+  843! Well done! Well played! Well hit!
+  It opens _Mr. Punch's_ eyes a bit
+  To see our friends of the Antipodes
+  Pile up their hundreds with the utmost ease.
+  BRUCE leads the way, and shows Blues--Dark and Light--
+  Left-handed men may play the game aright.
+  Then BANNERMAN, safe as a GUNN is he,
+  Exceeds the Century by thirty-three,
+  While five more than a hundred runs are due
+  To TRUMBLE, whom his friends call simply "HUGH."
+  Well played, Australia! Banks may fail--they do,
+  And, truth to tell, you _have_ lost one or two,
+  But this at any rate's a clear deduction--
+  Your Cricket Team can need no reconstruction!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, July 31._--No one who chanced last
+Thursday to see HAYES FISHER and LOGAN engaged in controversy on
+Front Opposition Bench would suspect them of essentially retiring
+disposition. This conclusively proved to-night. Decided on further
+consideration that something must really be done in direction of
+modifying effects of Thursday's riot. Someone must apologise. This
+put to HAYES FISHER, who delighted WALROND with swiftness, even
+enthusiasm, of acquiescence.
+
+"Right you are, dear boy," he cried. "I have thought so from the
+first. Indeed I have publicly placed the matter in its true light.
+Daresay you read my little affidavit written within an hour of what
+I quite agree with the SPEAKER in alluding to as 'the regrettable
+incident.' Here's what I said: 'To put a stop to his (LOGAN'S)
+aggressive conduct, I immediately seized him by the neck and forcibly
+ejected him on to the floor of the House. That began the scrimmage.'
+Then I go on to point the moral, though indeed it points itself.
+This is where you and I particularly agree. 'In my opinion the
+responsibility for the discreditable scene rests even more with Mr.
+GLADSTONE than with Mr. LOGAN.' Yes, WALROND, you are quite right in
+what you are about to say. I have shown clearly that Mr. G. was at the
+bottom of the whole business, and he should apologise. Don't you think
+he'd better be brought in at the Bar? And if he spent a night or two
+in the Clock Tower it would have most wholesome effect, vindicate
+dignity of House, and prevent recurrence of these regrettable scenes."
+
+WALROND'S face a study, whilst HAYES FISHER, carried away by
+enthusiasm of moment, rubbed his hands and smiled in anticipation of
+the scene.
+
+The Opposition Whip had tough job in hand. To FISHER'S logical mind
+the proposal that _he_ should apologise was a _non sequitur_. Why,
+what had he done? As he told House later, seeing LOGAN come up and
+sit down on bench below him, he thought he was going to strike him.
+Natural attitude for a man meaning to let out straight from the
+shoulder at another is to sit down with back turned towards intended
+victim. FISHER'S quick intelligence taking whole situation in at
+glance, he promptly proceeded to take in as much as his hands would
+hold of the back of LOGAN'S neck, with intent to thrust him forth.
+That, as he wrote, "began the scrimmage." In other words, Mr.
+GLADSTONE was responsible for the whole business, even more so than
+LOGAN, who had wantonly brought the back of his neck within reach of
+FISHER'S hand.
+
+However, there were reasons of State why the guilty should go
+unpunished. Not the first time Innocency has been sacrificed that
+Guilt might stalk through the land unfettered. FISHER would apologise;
+but here again the untameably logical mind asserted itself. LOGAN must
+apologise first. It was he who had been forcibly ejected. On Thursday
+night FISHER had come up behind him; _argal_, he must follow him
+now. Thus it was settled, or so understood. But when critical moment
+arrived, House waiting for someone to speak, hitch occurred. FISHER
+waited for LOGAN; LOGAN, in excess of politeness, hung back. Awkward
+pause. SPEAKER observed he had certainly understood something might be
+said by the two gentlemen. Another pause. LOGAN and FISHER eyed each
+other across the floor.
+
+  Lord CHATHAM, with his sword drawn,
+  Stood waiting for Sir RICHARD STRACHAN;
+  Sir RICHARD, longing to be at 'em,
+  Stood waiting for the Earl of CHATHAM.
+
+[Illustration: "THE HAPPY FAMILY."
+
+(_By Our Artist in Fret-Work._)]
+
+At length PRINCE ARTHUR interposed; gently, but firmly, drew the coy
+FISHER to the front. His apology followed by one from the lingering
+LOGAN. Scene ended amid mutual tears.
+
+"Yes, it's all very well," said FISHER, wringing his
+pocket-handkerchief and glaring angrily at Mr. G. "But, after all, the
+real criminal has escaped, and logic, as applicable to events of daily
+life, has received a staggering blow."
+
+_Business done._--ACLAND explained English Education Estimates in
+speech admirable alike in matter and manner.
+
+[Illustration: Another Injustice to Ireland.]
+
+_Tuesday._--Some men are born to trouble as the sparks fly upwards.
+Of these is WILLIAM O'BRIEN. It would seem that fate had expended its
+malignity when PRINCE ARTHUR deprived him of his breeches. Now JOSEPH
+has appropriated his dinner-table. The lynx eye of BARTLEY detected
+the irregularity which disclosed existence of this fresh outrage.
+BARTLEY favourably known in House as guardian of its honour and
+dignity. From time to time spirit moves him suddenly to rise and point
+fat forefinger at astonished Mr. G., whom he has discovered in
+some fresh design upon stability of the Empire or symmetry of the
+Constitution. At stated hours, formerly on Thursdays ten o'clock now
+generally on stroke of midnight, he is seen and heard shouting "Gag!
+gag!"
+
+"Odd," says Member for Sark, "how phrases change in similar
+circumstances though at different epochs. When Closure first invented,
+put in motion by dear OLD MORALITY, and supported by BARTLEY, HANBURY,
+JIMMY LOWTHER, and the rest, it used to be spoken resentfully of
+as 'pouncing.' Now it is 'gagging.' But it is precisely the same,
+inasmuch as the minority of the day, against whom it is enforced,
+denounce it as iniquitous, whilst the majority, who took that view
+when they were on other side of House, now regard it as indispensable
+to conduct of public business. BARTLEY having lived through both
+epochs is useful illustration of this tendency. When OLD MORALITY
+pounced on Irish members his lusty shout of approval used to echo
+through House with only less volume than now his roar of anguish goes
+up to glass roof when OLD MORALITY'S original thumbscrews are fitted
+on him and his friends. A quaint, mad world, my TOBY."
+
+To-night BARTLEY not so well-informed on subject as usual. Thought
+it was JOHN DILLON, who, acting the part of AMPHITRYON, piloted his
+guests within preserves of members' private dining-room. Turned out it
+wasn't DILLON at all, but WILLIAM O'BRIEN, who in most tragic manner
+tells how, having secured in advance a table for his guests, found
+when the dinner-hour struck JOSEPH and his Brethren seated thereat,
+merrily profiting by his forethought. Straightway O'BRIEN led his
+guests to the table in members' room which Unionist Leaders have
+marked for their own. This he appropriated, and there, regardless of
+surprised looks from ex-ministers at adjoining table, he truculently
+dined.
+
+"Well, at any rate," said TIM HEALY, that Man of Peace, "I'm glad it
+wasn't mere English or Orangemen who were thus treated. If JOSEPH had
+appropriated SAUNDERSON'S table, the Colonel would have taken him in
+his arms, dropped him outside on the Terrace, and, returning to his
+seat, ordered a fresh plate of soup." _Business done._--BARTLEY adds
+fresh dignity to Parliamentary debate.
+
+_Thursday._--Was it this day week the House was in volcanic upheaval,
+with HAYES FISHER--or was it Mr. GLADSTONE?--clutching LOGAN by
+the back of the neck, a mad mob mauling each other round the white
+waistcoat of EDWARD OF ARMAGH? According to the almanack this is so;
+according to appearances an eternity and a hemisphere divide the two
+scenes.
+
+In Committee on Vote on Account; average attendance from twenty to
+thirty. Orders bristle with amendments; papers read in support
+of them; occasionally a Member follows with observations on topic
+suggested; sometimes he doesn't; then next gentleman who has prepared
+paper takes the floor; the audience turns over; goes to sleep again;
+wakened by Chairman putting question "that Amendment be withdrawn."
+Isn't even vigour sufficient to induce a division.
+
+Only person free from somnolent influence of hour is Mr. G. Has
+nothing to do in this galley; looks on wistfully whilst LOWTHER
+(not JIMMY) talks about Vitu and the Pamirs; JIMMY (_lui même_) is
+sarcastic on subject of Board of Trade engaging in experiments
+in journalism; and DICKY TEMPLE wants to know all about reported
+modifications in constitution of St. Paul's School by the Charity
+Commissioners. Mr. G. liked to have offered few remarks on one or all
+these subjects. TOMMY BOWLES nearly succeeded in drawing him. Dropping
+lightly out of Siam, _viâ_ Morocco, upon question of Collisions at
+Sea, TOMMY brought MUNDELLA into full focus and fairly floored him
+with a problem.
+
+"Suppose," he said, "the right hon. gentleman were at sea, and the
+whole fleet bore down upon him on the weather bow. What would he do?"
+
+MUNDELLA nonplussed. Mr. G. knew all about it; would have answered
+right off and probably silenced even TOMMY with proposition of counter
+man[oe]uvre. But MARJORIBANKS kept relentless eye on him. Vote on
+Account must be got through Committee to-night. The less speaking
+the better; so with profound sigh Mr. G. resisted the temptation
+and composed himself to listen to LENG'S paper on the prohibition
+of importation of live cattle from Canada. Here was opportunity of
+learning something which Mr. G. gratefully welcomed. Gradually, as
+the new knight went on reading extract after extract in level voice,
+remorselessly deliberate, Mr. G.'s eyes closed, his head drooped, and
+in full view of the crowded Strangers' Gallery he fell into peaceful,
+childlike slumber.
+
+_Business done._--Vote on Account passed Committee.
+
+[Illustration: Reading the G. O. M. to sleep.]
+
+_Friday._--Morning sitting devoted to miscellaneous talk around
+Ireland. Evening, a long STOREY about iniquities of House of Lords.
+The evening and the morning a dull day. Had time to look over Mr. G.'s
+letter about retention of Irish Members. "What do you think of it?" I
+asked the Member for Sark. "Haven't read it," he said. "When I saw
+it was a column long, I knew Mr. G. didn't want to say anything
+that would be understood. When he does, a few lines suffice; when he
+doesn't, nothing less than a column of print will serve."
+
+_Business done._--Vote on Account through Report Stage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FRANCE AND SIAM.--The situation at Bangkok will probably result in
+further Develle-opments.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+Page 64: 'barometre' corrected to 'baromètre'. "Le baromètre--Beau
+fixe!"
+
+Page 65: 'Jung Frau' ... the author may have had something else in
+mind, besides the mountain (Jungfrau)?
+
+"_Interlachen._ Remember the Jung Frau and forget the tourists."
+
+Page 69: 'measeles' corrected to 'measles'. "attended two bankers and
+a Lord Mayor for measles,"
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+105, August 12th 1893, by Various
+
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+  <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" />
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+  <title>Punch, 12th August, 1893.</title>
+
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105,
+August 12th 1893, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105, August 12th 1893
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: May 19, 2011 [EBook #36140]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page61" id="page61"></a>[pg 61]</span>
+
+<h1>PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI</h1>
+
+<h2>VOLUME 105, August 12th 1893</h2>
+
+<h3><i>edited by Sir Francis Burnand</i></h3>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<h2 class="sans">THE CLOSURE AT HOME.</h2>
+
+<p>Paterfamilias entered the
+drawing-room at ten minutes
+to six o'clock, and found the
+family still undecided. There
+was a pause in the conversation
+when he made his appearance.</p>
+
+<p>"Where are we to go?" he
+asked, taking out his watch.
+"You have been quarrelling
+for the last week, and I have
+given you till this hour. So
+get through your amendments
+as fast as you can."</p>
+
+<p>"I prefer Paris," said
+Materfamilias, "and I am
+supported by all the girls.
+We are decidedly in a majority."</p>
+
+<p>"Paris is simply awful at
+the end of July!" cried the
+eldest son. "Give you my
+word, mother, the place is
+impossible."</p>
+
+<p>"Venice would certainly be
+better," said his younger
+brother. "Charming place,
+and you get a very decent
+<i>table d'hôte</i> at <span class="sc">Danieli's</span>."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, Venice is too dreadful
+just now!" exclaimed Aunt
+<span class="sc">Matilda</span>. "If <i>we</i> are to go
+with you, we certainly can't
+travel there. Besides, there's
+the cholera all over the Continent.
+Now Oban would be
+nice."</p>
+
+<p>"Are you speaking seriously?"
+asked Cousin <span class="sc">Jane</span>.
+"Scotland never agrees with
+me, but Cairo would be
+perfect."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you think so, my dear
+girl?" put in Uncle <span class="sc">John</span>.
+"I fancy you are making a
+mistake. Egypt is very well
+in the winter, but it is fearfully
+hot in August. Now
+they tell me Killarney is
+simply delightful at this
+season."</p>
+
+<p>"Ireland! No, thank you!"
+exclaimed <span class="sc">Reginald</span>. "We
+have had enough of Home
+Rule on this side of the
+Channel to go across to find it
+on the other. No; give me
+Spain, or even Russia."</p>
+
+<p>The hands of the clock were
+close upon the hour, but still
+there was a minute or so to
+spare.</p>
+
+<p>"Russia indeed!" snapped
+out <span class="sc">Priscilla</span>. "Who ever
+would go to Russia? But
+people do tell me that Chicago
+is well worth seeing, and&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>At this moment the clock
+struck six.</p>
+
+<p>"Time's up," cried Paterfamilias.
+"We will all go to
+Herne Bay."</p>
+
+<p>And they did.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><a href="images/061a-1000.png"><img src="images/061a-450.png" width="450" height="479" alt="THE TEST OF TRUE GENIUS." /></a>
+<h2 class="sans">THE TEST OF TRUE GENIUS.</h2>
+
+<p><i>Pictor Ignotus Number One.</i> "<span class="sc">Yes; I rather flatter myself there
+are precious few of my Contemporaries who care about <i>my</i> Work!</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Pictor Ignotus Number Two</i> (<i>not to be beaten</i>). "<span class="sc">By Jove! I
+rather
+flatter myself I've got the Pull of you <i>there</i>, Old Man! Why,
+There's <i>Nobody</i> cares about <i>Mine</i>!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>The New Atomic Theory.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>According to the New Journalism</i>).</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Mankind are debtors to two mighty creditors,</p>
+<p>Omniscient Science, and infallible Editors.</p>
+<p>Nature is summed in principles and particles;</p>
+<p>The moral world in Laws and Leading Articles!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>CRICKET ACROSS THE CHANNEL.</h2>
+
+<p>We believe that our lively neighbours, the French, having seen
+that there is a chance of some alteration being made in the rules of
+cricket in England, have determined to suggest some changes on
+their own account. We give the first list of proposals:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 150px;"><a href="images/061b-300.png"><img src="images/061b-150.png" width="150" height="184" alt="" /></a></div>
+
+<p>1. The ball in future is to be made of india-rubber.</p>
+
+<p>2. Armour to be allowed to the striker, so
+as to prevent accidents from the ball.</p>
+
+<p>3. The umpires to be henceforth experienced
+surgeons, so that their medical services may
+be available for the wounded.</p>
+
+<p>4. Camp-stools to be permitted to the long-stop,
+and other hard-worked members of the
+field.</p>
+
+<p>5. Fielders expected to run after a rapidly-driven
+ball, to be allowed to follow the object
+on bicycles.</p>
+
+<p>6. The wicket-keeper to have a small portable fortress in front of
+him to keep him out of danger.</p>
+
+<p>7. The bats to be made of the same materials as those used in
+lawn-tennis.</p>
+
+<p>8. The game to commence with the "luncheon interval," to be
+employed in discussing a <i>déjeuner à la fourchette</i>.</p>
+
+<p>9. The uniform of the cricketer in future to consist of a horn, a
+hunting-knife, jockey-cap and fishing-boots, in fact the costume of
+the earliest French exponent of the game.</p>
+
+<p>10. The outside to have the right to declare the game closed when
+fatigued.</p>
+
+<p>11. A band of music to be engaged to play a popular programme.
+A flourish of trumpets to announce the triumph of the striker when
+he succeeds in hitting the ball.</p>
+
+<p>12. Those who take part in the great game to be decorated with a
+medal. All future matches to be commemorated with clasps, to
+denote the player's bravery.</p>
+
+<p>Should these reforms be adopted by the M. C. C., there seems little
+doubt that the national game of England will receive a fresh lease of
+popularity in the land that faces Albion.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>THE LATEST CRISIS.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[Mr. <span class="sc">Bartley</span> protested in the House of Commons against Mr. W.
+<span class="sc">O'Brien's</span> conduct in dining in the House with strangers at a table reserved
+for Members. Mr. <span class="sc">O'Brien</span> explained that Mr. <span class="sc">Austen Chamberlain</span> had
+taken a table which he (Mr. <span class="sc">O'Brien</span>) had previously reserved. The
+question is under the consideration of the Kitchen Committee.]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>A crisis! A crisis! The man is a fool</p>
+<p>Who desires at this moment to talk of Home Rule.</p>
+<p>Though we know that in Egypt a something is rotten,</p>
+<p>The intrigues of young <span class="sc">Abbas</span> are straightway forgotten;</p>
+<p>And we think just as much of the woes of Siam</p>
+<p>As we care for that coin of small value&mdash;a <i>dam</i>.</p>
+<p>For a crisis has come, and the House is unable</p>
+<p>To detach its attention from questions of table.</p>
+<p>Their tongues and their brains all the Members exhaust in</p>
+<p>Discussing the rights of <span class="sc">O'Brien</span> and <span class="sc">Austen</span>.</p>
+<p>They debate in an access of anger and gloom</p>
+<p>As to who took from which what was kept, and for whom.</p>
+<p>The letters they wrote, the retorts they made tartly</p>
+<p>Are detailed&mdash;gracious Powers preserve us&mdash;by <span class="sc">Bartley</span>,</p>
+<p>Who can bend&mdash;only statesmen are formed for such feats&mdash;</p>
+<p>His mind, which is massive, to questions of seats,</p>
+<p>And discuss with a zest which is equal to <span class="sc">Tanner's</span>,</p>
+<p>The absorbing details of a matter of manners.</p>
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Bartley</span> you like to be heard than to hear</p>
+<p>Far more, but, forgive me, a word in your ear.</p>
+<p>Though we greatly rejoice when all records are cut</p>
+<p>By your steam-hammer mind in thus smashing a nut,</p>
+<p>Yet we think it were well if the Kitchen could settle</p>
+<p>In private this question of pot <i>versus</i> kettle.</p>
+<p>And in future, when dog-like men fight for a bone,</p>
+<p>Take a hint, Mr. <span class="sc">Bartley</span>, and leave them alone.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind1"><span class="sc">Latest from the National Boxing Saloon</span> (<i>with the kind
+regards of the</i> <span class="sc">Speaker</span>).&mdash;"The nose has it, and so have the
+eyes!"</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page62" id="page62"></a>[pg 62]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3 class="sans">SAINT IZAAK AND HIS VOTARIES.</h3>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Mr. Punch's Tercentenary Tribute to the Author of "The Compleat Angler."</i></p>
+
+<p class="center">
+[August 9th this year is the 300th anniversary of the birth, in the ancient house at Stafford, of <span class="sc">Izaak Walton</span>.]
+</p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/062-1200.png"><img src="images/062-400.png" width="400" height="478" alt="SAINT IZAAK AND HIS VOTARIES." /></a>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Good <span class="sc">Izaak</span> of the diction quaint,</p>
+<p class="i2">The calendar holds many a fellow</p>
+<p>Less worthy to be dubbed a saint</p>
+<p class="i2">(For gentle heart and wisdom mellow)</p>
+<p>Than thou, the Angler's genial guide</p>
+<p>By wandering brook and river wide.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>"I care not, I, to fish in seas,"</p>
+<p class="i2">So chirped <span class="sc">Will Basse</span>, thy favourite singer,</p>
+<p>"Fresh rivers best my mind do please."</p>
+<p class="i2">Bard-loving quoter, brave back-bringer</p>
+<p>Of England's pastoral scenes and songs,</p>
+<p>All England's praise to thee belongs.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Thy Book bewitches more than those</p>
+<p class="i2">Who are sworn "Brothers of the Angle."</p>
+<p>Scents of fresh pastures, wilding rose,</p>
+<p class="i2">All trailing flowers that intertangle</p>
+<p>In England's hedgerows, seem to fill</p>
+<p>Its pages and our pulses thrill.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page63" id="page63"></a>[pg 63]</span>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>We see the stretch "up Totnam Hil,"</p>
+<p class="i2">Toward the "Thatcht House" that fresh May morning;</p>
+<p>We hear <span class="sc">Viator</span> praise the skill</p>
+<p class="i2">That he was first inclined to scorning;</p>
+<p>We mark the Master's friendly proffer</p>
+<p>Change him to votary from scoffer.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Those "many grave and serious men,"</p>
+<p class="i2">He chid as "men of sowr complexions,"</p>
+<p>If they resist his graphic pen,</p>
+<p class="i2">His pastorals sweet, his quaint reflections,</p>
+<p>Must have indeed mere souls of earth,</p>
+<p>To beauty blind, untuned to mirth.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The "poor-rich-men" he pitied so</p>
+<p class="i2">All Anglers, and wise hearts, must pity.</p>
+<p>His song's queer "trollie lollie loe,"</p>
+<p class="i2">Sounds cheerily as the blackbird's ditty,</p>
+<p>To men in populous city pent,</p>
+<p>Who know the Angler's calm content.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And even those who know it not,</p>
+<p class="i2">Nor care&mdash;poor innocents!&mdash;to know it,</p>
+<p>Whom ne'er the Fisher's favoured lot</p>
+<p class="i2">Has thrilled as sportsman, fired as poet,</p>
+<p>May love to turn the leaves, and halt on</p>
+<p>The quaint conceits of honest <span class="sc">Walton</span>.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The man whose only "quill" 's a pen,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who keeps no rod and tackle handy,</p>
+<p>May hear thy "merry river" when</p>
+<p class="i2">"It bubbles, dances, and grows sandy."</p>
+<p>May sit beneath thy beech, and wish</p>
+<p>To catch thy voice, if not thy fish:</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>May love to sit or stroll with thee,</p>
+<p class="i2">Amidst the grassy water-meadows;</p>
+<p>The culverkeys and cowslips see,</p>
+<p class="i2">Dancing in summer's lights and shadows;</p>
+<p>And watch yon youngster gathering stocks</p>
+<p>Of lilies and of lady-smocks:</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>To hear thy milkmaid, <span class="sc">Maudlin</span>, troll</p>
+<p class="i2">Choice morsels from <span class="sc">Kit Marlow</span> sweetly;</p>
+<p>And <span class="sc">Maudlin's</span> mother,&mdash;honest soul,</p>
+<p class="i2">Whose "golden age" has fled so fleetly!&mdash;</p>
+<p>Respond with <span class="sc">Raleigh's</span> answering rhyme</p>
+<p>Of wisdom past its active prime:</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>To take a draught of sound old ale&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">What tipple wholesomer or sweeter?&mdash;</p>
+<p>At the old ale-house in the vale,</p>
+<p class="i2">With <span class="sc">Corydon</span> and brother <span class="sc">Peter</span>;</p>
+<p>And share the "Musick"'s mellow bout,</p>
+<p>As they at supper shared the trout.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Then to that cleanly room and sweet&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">After a gay good night to all&mdash;</p>
+<p>Lavender scent about the sheet,</p>
+<p class="i2">And "ballads stuck about the wall,"</p>
+<p>And fall on sleep devoid of sorrow,</p>
+<p>With fair dreams filled of sport to-morrow.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>What wonder <span class="sc">Walton's</span> work has charmed</p>
+<p class="i2">Three centuries? That his bait has captured</p>
+<p>The grey recluse, the boy switch-armed,</p>
+<p class="i2">The sage, the statesman, bard enraptured,</p>
+<p>Gay girl&mdash;are fish her only spoil?&mdash;</p>
+<p>And grave Thames-haunting son of toil!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Thy votaries, good Saint <span class="sc">Izaak</span>, are</p>
+<p class="i2">"All who love <i>quietnesse</i>, and <i>vertue</i>."</p>
+<p>Is there on whom such praises jar?</p>
+<p class="i2">Well, join for once&mdash;it scarce can hurt you&mdash;</p>
+<p>In <i>Punch's</i> Tribute; fortune wishing</p>
+<p>To gentle souls who "go a-fishing!"</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/063-1500.png"><img src="images/063-600.png" width="600" height="403" alt="GUESSES AT TRUTH." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">GUESSES AT TRUTH.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Laidislaw.</i> "<span class="sc">Handsome woman our Hostess&mdash;don't you think? By the
+bye, what do you suppose her Age is?</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss St. Cyr.</i> "<span class="sc">Well, I should fancy, what the Illustrated Biographies
+call 'Present Day!</span>'"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>"HERE'S TO THE CLIENT."</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Here's to the client who makes his own will,</p>
+<p class="i2">And here's to his friends who dispute it;</p>
+<p>Here's to the case which is drawn up with skill,</p>
+<p class="i2">And the time that it takes to refute it.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Here's to the felon whose crimes are a score,</p>
+<p class="i2">And here's to the wretch with but one, Sirs;</p>
+<p>Fraudulent trustees, directors galore,</p>
+<p class="i2">And the various things that they've done, Sirs.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Here's to the costs which will mount up apace,</p>
+<p class="i2">When the action comes on for a hearing,</p>
+<p>"Retainers," "refreshers," and all of their race,</p>
+<p class="i2">Which they lavish on us for appearing.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Here's to the Law, with its hand just and strong,</p>
+<p class="i2">Which has grown from the earliest ages;</p>
+<p>And here's to this lay, which we hope's not too long</p>
+<p class="i2">For <i>Punch</i> to put into his pages.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind"><span class="sc">New Version of an Old Saying</span> (<i>adapted
+for exclusive swells who cannot enjoy even a
+Sport when it becomes "so common, don't-cha!"</i>).&mdash;What
+is Everybody's pleasure is
+Nobody's pleasure!</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page64" id="page64"></a>[pg 64]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3 class="sans">TO A SWISS BAROMETER.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Oh, optimistic instrument,</p>
+<p class="i2">No other ever seeks</p>
+<p>To raise one's hopes&mdash;benevolent</p>
+<p class="i2">You always show <i>Beau fixe</i>!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Though meteorologic swells</p>
+<p class="i2">Predict wet days for weeks,</p>
+<p>Your well-intentioned pointer tells</p>
+<p class="i2">Of nothing but <i>Beau fixe</i>.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>How sweet, when in the dewy morn&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">So dewy!&mdash;up the peaks</p>
+<p>We start through drizzle all forlorn,</p>
+<p class="i2">To read again <i>Beau fixe</i>.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>It makes us think of sunny lands,</p>
+<p class="i2">Where weather has no freaks,</p>
+<p>To see, they're always so, your hands</p>
+<p class="i2">Both point to that <i>Beau fixe</i>.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And though we're sodden to the skin,</p>
+<p class="i2">Through coat and vest and breeks,</p>
+<p>You did not mean to take us in</p>
+<p class="i2">In spite of your <i>Beau fixe</i>.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>We tramp, expecting soon to see</p>
+<p class="i2">In that grey sky some streaks;</p>
+<p>Ah no, it's fixed as fixed can be,</p>
+<p class="i2">As fixed as your <i>Beau fixe</i>.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>No matter, we get used to rain,</p>
+<p class="i2">And mop our streaming cheeks,</p>
+<p>Quite sure, when we get home again,</p>
+<p class="i2">You cannot say <i>Beau fixe</i>.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>At last, all soaked, we stagger in&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">One's clothing simply leaks&mdash;</p>
+<p>And still you say, through thick and thin,</p>
+<p class="i2">Unchangeably <i>Beau fixe</i>.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>We change, although you don't; no thread</p>
+<p class="i2">Is dry on us; small creeks</p>
+<p>Form where we stand, all drenched from head</p>
+<p class="i2">To foot. Blow your <i>Beau fixe</i>!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>This beastly weather might have riled</p>
+<p class="i2">The philosophic Greeks;</p>
+<p>It makes us simple Britons wild,</p>
+<p class="i2">Combined with your <i>Beau fixe</i>.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>We tell the landlord we must go&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Poor man, he rather piques</p>
+<p>Himself upon the weather, so</p>
+<p class="i2">Incessantly <i>Beau fixe</i>.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>"<i>Ah, non, ça va changer ce soir!</i>"</p>
+<p class="i2">Thus hopefully he speaks,</p>
+<p>"<i>Si Monsieur voulait bien voir</i></p>
+<p class="i2"><i>Le</i> <ins title="T.N.: Original reads 'barometre'"><i>baromètre</i></ins>&mdash;<i>Beau fixe!</i>"</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:600px;"><a href="images/064-800.png"><img src="images/064-350.png" width="350" height="477" alt="AN AUTHORITY ON THE THEORY AND PRACTICE OF THE 'BUFFER STATE'" /></a>
+<h4>AN AUTHORITY ON THE THEORY AND PRACTICE OF THE "BUFFER STATE"!!</h4></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h4>Adapted.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>To the Unionist Needs of the
+Moment.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Other men have many faults,</p>
+<p class="i4">Mr. <span class="sc">Gladstone</span> has but two;</p>
+<p>There's nothing wise that he can say,</p>
+<p class="i4">and nothing right that he can do.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p>In a recent case, Mr. <span class="sc">Lane</span>,
+the magistrate, is reported to
+have informed an inquiring
+husband, "If your wife turns
+you out she is not bound to find
+you a home; but if <i>you</i> turn
+your wife out you <i>are</i> bound to
+find <i>her</i> a home." This suggests
+a new Charity, "The Home for
+Turned-out Wives." These ladies
+would be seen driving out in
+well-appointed traps, and gain
+a new status in Society as being
+"uncommonly well-turned-out"
+wives.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>ANOTHER SCENE AT THE PLAY.</h2>
+
+<h4>(<i>That never should be tolerated.</i>)</h4>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Auditorium of a Fashionable Theatre. Vast majority of
+the audience deeply interested in the action and dialogue of an
+excellent piece. Enter a party of Lady Emptyheads into a
+Private Box.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>First Emptyhead (taking off her wraps).</i> I told you there was no
+necessity to hurry away from dinner. You see they are getting on
+very well without us.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Empt. (seating herself in front of the box).</i> Yes. And it's
+so much pleasanter to chat than to listen. This piece, they tell me,
+is full of clever dialogue&mdash;so satisfactory to people who like that sort
+of thing.</p>
+
+<p><i>Third Empt. (looking round the house with an opera-glass).</i> Why
+scarcely a soul in the place we know. Well, I suppose everybody is
+leaving town. Stay, is that Mrs. <span class="sc">Evergreen Toffy</span>?</p>
+
+<p><i>Fourth Empt. (also using her glasses).</i> Why, yes. I wish we
+could make her see us.</p>
+
+<p><i>First Empt.</i> Haven't you noticed that you never can attract
+attention when you want to? Isn't it provoking?</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Empt.</i> Oh, terribly; and there is Captain <span class="sc">Dashalong</span>.
+Why, I thought he was at Aldershot.</p>
+
+<p><i>Third Empt.</i> Oh, they always give them leave about this time of
+the year.</p>
+
+<p><i>Rest of Audience (sternly).</i> Hush! S-s-s-h-s-h!</p>
+
+<p><i>Fourth Empt.</i> I wonder what's the piece about.</p>
+
+<p><i>Third Empt.</i> Oh, it doesn't in the least matter. Sure to be
+sparkling. Do you like that woman's hair?</p>
+
+<p><i>Fourth Empt.</i> Scarcely. It's the wrong shade. How can people
+make such frights of themselves!</p>
+
+<p><i>First Empt.</i> I wonder if this is the Second Act, or the First!</p>
+
+<p><i>Third Empt.</i> What does it matter! I never worry about a
+piece, for I know I shall see all about it afterwards in the
+papers.</p>
+
+<p><i>Rest of Audience (with increased sternness).</i> Hush! S-s-s-h-s-h!</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Empt.</i> I always come to this theatre because the chairs are
+comfortable. What is the good of going to the play unless you can
+enjoy yourself?</p>
+
+<p><i>Third Empt.</i> Quite so. And it's much better fun without one's
+husband, isn't it?</p>
+
+<p><i>First Empt.</i> Of course. I never bring mine, because he always
+goes to sleep! So disrespectful to the actresses and actors!</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Empt.</i> Yes. Of course, one ought to listen to what's going
+on, even if you don't care what it's all about.</p>
+
+<p><i>Fourth Empt.</i> Quite so. Not that it isn't pleasant to look round
+the house.</p>
+
+<p><i>Rest of Audience (angrier than ever).</i> Hush! S-s-s-h-s-h!</p>
+
+<p><i>Third Empt.</i> Yes, I often think that this side of the curtain is
+quite as amusing as the other.</p>
+
+<p><i>Fourth Empt.</i> I wonder what they are doing on the stage? Oh, I
+see that the Act is nearly over! Well, I daresay it has been very
+amusing.</p>
+
+<p><i>Rest of Audience (furious).</i> Hush! Hush! Hush!</p>
+
+<p><i>First Empt.</i> There descends the curtain! By the way, what a
+noise those people in the pit have been making! I wonder what it
+was all about?</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Empt.</i> I haven't the faintest notion. However, when the
+play begins again, I hope they won't make any more noise. It is so
+disrespectful to the Audience.</p>
+
+<p><i>First Empt.</i> And the Company. Why can't people behave themselves
+in a theatre?</p>
+
+<p><i>Second, Third, and Fourth Empt. (in chorus).</i> Ah yes! Why
+can't they?</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Scene closes in upon a renewal of chatter upon the raising of the
+Curtain on another Act.</i></p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind">"<span class="sc">Give a <i>Day</i> a Bad Name and</span>&mdash;&mdash;."&mdash;It is stated that the day
+of the disgraceful Donnybrook in the House of Commons has been
+nicknamed "Collar Day," because Mr. <span class="sc">Hayes Fisher</span> seized
+Mr. <span class="sc">Logan</span> by the collar, and Mr. <span class="sc">Chamberlain</span> "collared"
+Mr. <span class="sc">O'Brien's</span> table in the dining-room. This is all very well in
+its way, but would not "<i>Choler</i> Day" be more appropriate and
+intelligible?</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page65" id="page65"></a>[pg 65]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2 class="sans">A DREAM-BOOK</h2>
+
+<h3><i>For Would-be Travellers.</i></h3>
+
+<p class="ind1">If you dream of&mdash;</p>
+
+<ul class="none">
+<li><i>Antwerp.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Remember the
+Reubens and forget the passage
+over.</li>
+
+<li><i>Boulogne.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Remember the
+Casino and forget the Port.</li>
+
+<li><i>Calais.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Remember the Restaurant
+at the station and
+forget the dull surroundings.</li>
+
+<li><i>Dieppe.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Remember the
+Plage and forget the occasional
+gales.</li>
+
+<li><i>Etretat.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Remember the
+sands and forget the prices.</li>
+
+<li><i>Florence.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Remember the
+pictures and forget the heat.</li>
+
+<li><i>Geneva.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Remember the lake
+and forget the city.</li>
+
+<li><i>Heidelberg.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Remember the
+castle and forget the climbing.</li>
+
+<li><i>Interlachen.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Remember the
+<ins title="T.N.: The author may have had something else in mind, besides the mountain (Jungfrau)">Jung Frau</ins> and forget the tourists.</li>
+
+<li><i>Japan.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Remember the interesting
+associations and forget
+the length of the journey.</li>
+
+<li><i>Lisburn.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Remember that it
+is little known and forget that
+it is not worth seeing.</li>
+
+<li><i>Madrid.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Remember that
+you can get there in two days
+and forget that you will regret
+the time you spend upon the
+trip.</li>
+
+<li><i>Naples.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Remember that
+you should see the Bay and
+forget that you are expected
+to die immediately afterwards.</li>
+
+<li><i>Paris.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Remember that it
+is always pleasant and forget
+that the exception is during
+August.</li>
+
+<li><i>Quebec.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Remember it's in
+Canada and forget that it's
+the least pleasing place in
+America.</li>
+
+<li><i>Rome.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Remember its objects
+of interest and forget its
+fever.</li>
+
+<li><i>Strasbourg.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Remember that
+it has a Cathedral and forget
+that the clock is a fraud.</li>
+
+<li><i>Turin.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Remember that it
+might be quite worth the
+journey and forget that it
+isn't.</li>
+
+<li><i>Venice.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Remember its canals
+and forget its odours.</li>
+
+<li><i>Vichy.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Remember that
+there is a good hotel and forget
+that you have been there
+a dozen times before.</li>
+
+<li><i>Wiesbaden.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Remember the
+glories of its past and forget
+the sadness of its present.</li>
+
+<li><i>Zurich.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Remember that it
+is completely abroad and forget
+that there's no place like
+home.</li>
+</ul>
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/065-1000.png"><img src="images/065-320.png" width="320" height="490" alt="GOOD RESOLUTIONS." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">GOOD RESOLUTIONS.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Blenkinsop (on a Friend's Yacht) soliloquises.</i> "<span class="sc">I know one thing, if
+ever I'm rich enough to keep a Yacht, I shall spend the Money
+in Horses.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>ONLY THEIR PLAY!</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Abnormal natures, morbid motives! Yes!</p>
+<p>These things, upon the stage, perhaps impress.</p>
+<p>Monstrosities, not true men's hearts, nor women's.</p>
+<p>Trolls, with a touch of the <i>delirium tremens</i>,</p>
+<p>Neurotic neurospasts, puppets whose wires</p>
+<p>Are pulled by morbid dreams and mad desires;</p>
+<p>Not men and women 'midst our world's temptations,</p>
+<p>But fevered phantasy's bizarre creations.</p>
+<p>Despite <i>Solness</i> and <i>Mrs. Tanqueray</i>,</p>
+<p>"People don't do these things"&mdash;except <i>in play</i>!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p><span class="sc">As in a Glass Darkly.</span>&mdash;Grubby
+and grovelling "Realists"
+boast that they only
+"hold the mirror up to Nature."
+Perhaps! But when their particular
+"mirror" happens to
+be&mdash;as it commonly is&mdash;dirty
+and distorting, Nature, like
+the victim of a bad looking-glass
+at a country inn, is
+taken at a disadvantage.
+There are mirrors which make
+a man look a monster, but then
+the monstrosity is not in the
+man but the mirror.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>TIMON ON BIMETALLISM.</h2>
+
+<h4>(<i>Adapted from Shakspeare.</i>)</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+["He advocates bimetallism with the passionate
+ardour of a prophet promulgating a new revelation.
+On most subjects he is cool, analytical, <i>and
+perhaps a little cynical</i>; but on this subject he is
+an enthusiast."&mdash;<i>The Times on Mr. Balfour's
+Speech about Bimetallism.</i>]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Timon of London, loquitur</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i10">              The learned pate</p>
+<p>Ducks to the golden fool; all is oblique;</p>
+<p>There's nothing level in our currency</p>
+<p>But monometallism! Gold doth lord</p>
+<p>Great lands, societies, and throngs of men.</p>
+<p>That the sun rounds the earth, that earth's a disc,</p>
+<p>Are foolish fads that <span class="sc">Timon</span> much disdains</p>
+<p>As duping dull mankind. But will they rank</p>
+<p><i>My</i> fad&mdash;Bimetallism&mdash;along with such?</p>
+<p>I seek a dual standard; gold alone</p>
+<p>Is a most operant poison! What is here?</p>
+<p>Gold? yellow, precious, glittering gold? No, gods,</p>
+<p>I am no aureate votarist. Silver seems</p>
+<p>To me, and to wise <span class="sc">Walsh</span>, a fair twin-standard</p>
+<p>Fit to set up, that variable values</p>
+<p>May find stability in dual change,</p>
+<p><i>With</i> a fixed ratio, which the world must find,</p>
+<p>Or our one standard, like a pirate's flag,</p>
+<p>Will lead us to disaster. Monometallism</p>
+<p>Is&mdash;Monomania. This yellow slave</p>
+<p>Will break, not knit, our Commerce. I can be</p>
+<p>Cool, analytical, even cynical</p>
+<p>On trifles&mdash;such as Separatism's sin,</p>
+<p>Or County Council Crime; but this thing stirs</p>
+<p>My tepid blood, e'en as Statistics warm</p>
+<p>The chilly soul of <span class="sc">Goschen</span>. Come, curst gold,</p>
+<p>Thou common ore of mankind, that putt'st odds</p>
+<p>Among the rout of nations, I will make thee</p>
+<p>Take thy right place! Thou mak'st my heart beat quick,</p>
+<p>But yet I'll bury thee: thou'lt go, strong thief,</p>
+<p>Orthodox keepers of thee cannot stand</p>
+<p>Against a passionate prophet's promulgation</p>
+<p>Of a new economic revelation.</p>
+<p>"Put up your gold!" But put up silver, too,</p>
+<p>(As <span class="sc">Walsh</span>, and <span class="sc">Grenfell</span>, and Sage <span class="sc">Chaplin</span> urge),</p>
+<p>Or banded Europe&mdash;some day&mdash;shall smash up</p>
+<p>Our City to financial chaos. Aye!</p>
+<p>I may talk lightly about trivial things,</p>
+<p>And cynically smile on twaddle's trifles,&mdash;</p>
+<p>Union of hearts, optimist ecstasies,</p>
+<p>Fervours, and faiths, the breeks of prisoned Pats,</p>
+<p>Coercion's bondage and such bagatelles&mdash;</p>
+<p>But on this Titan theme&mdash;Bimetallism&mdash;</p>
+<p><span class="sc">Timon</span> is in hot earnest!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>A Short Way with Wasps.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>A plague of wasps infests the South</p>
+<p class="i2">In consequence of the hot season!&mdash;</p>
+<p>Humph! Is it torrid heat and drouth</p>
+<p class="i2">Deprive our Commons of cool reason?</p>
+<p>A plague of wasps infests the House!</p>
+<p class="i2">Its managers the matter mull, for</p>
+<p>They have not (like poor <span class="sc">Hodge</span>) the <i>nous</i></p>
+<p class="i2">To smoke pests out with (moral) sulphur!</p>
+<p>To check <span class="sc">Hayes Fisher's</span> style, or <span class="sc">Tim's</span> tone,</p>
+<p><span class="sc">Mellor</span> tries treacle; he needs brimstone.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page66" id="page66"></a>[pg 66]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/066-1500.png"><img src="images/066-600.png" width="600" height="354" alt="A LESSON." /></a>
+<h2 class="sans">A LESSON.</h2>
+
+<p><i>Father</i> (<i>on receiving Bill for Luncheon at one of our very modern
+London Restaurants</i>). "<span class="sc">Hallo! What!! Over Two Guineas for
+merely&mdash;&mdash;! Why, hang it&mdash;&mdash;!</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>His Son</i> (<i>small Etonian</i>). "<span class="sc">Oh, well never mind, Father. It's a
+Thing to do <i>Once</i>, and we won't do it again!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>THE STORMY PETREL.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+["This bird has long been celebrated for the
+manner in which it passes over the waves, pattering
+with its webbed feet and flapping its wings so
+as to keep itself just above the surface. It thus
+traverses the ocean with wonderful ease, the billows
+rolling beneath its feet and passing away
+under the bird without in the least disturbing it."&mdash;<i>Wood's
+Popular Natural History.</i>]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Only a Petrel, I,</p>
+<p>Telling the storm is nigh;</p>
+<p>Fleet o'er the waves I fly,</p>
+<p class="i2">When skies look stormy.</p>
+<p>When things are calm and slow,</p>
+<p>I 'midst Brum rocks lie low;</p>
+<p>But when wild breezes blow</p>
+<p class="i2">Men may look for me.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Lured from my Midland home,</p>
+<p>When gales begin to roam</p>
+<p>Proudly I skim the foam,</p>
+<p class="i2">Flappering and pattering!</p>
+<p>I with the airiest ease</p>
+<p>Traverse the angriest seas</p>
+<p>Round the wild Hebrides</p>
+<p class="i2">Bellowing and battering.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But the wild Irish coast</p>
+<p>Suits my strong flight the most.</p>
+<p>Breeze-baffling wings I boast,</p>
+<p class="i2">Nothing disturbs me.</p>
+<p>Cool 'midst the tempest's crash,</p>
+<p>Swift through the foam I dash,</p>
+<p>Wind flout or lightning flash</p>
+<p class="i2">Scares not, nor curbs me.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Sea-birds are silly things,</p>
+<p>Squat bodies, stunted wings.</p>
+<p>Where is the bard who sings</p>
+<p class="i2">Penguin or puffin,</p>
+<p>Grebe, guillemot, or gull?</p>
+<p>Oh, the winged noodles, null,</p>
+<p>In timid flocks and dull,</p>
+<p class="i2">Squattin' and stuffin'!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I, like the albatross,</p>
+<p>Love on the winds to toss,</p>
+<p>Where gales and currents cross</p>
+<p class="i2">My fodder finding.</p>
+<p>Let Gulls and Boobies rest</p>
+<p>Safe in a sheltered nest,</p>
+<p>I'm bold the breeze to breast</p>
+<p class="i2">Tamer fowl blinding.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Only a Petrel, I,</p>
+<p>Calm in a calm I lie,</p>
+<p>But when 'neath darkening sky</p>
+<p class="i2">Strife lifteth her face,</p>
+<p>When the red lightnings glare,</p>
+<p>Then, from my rocky lair</p>
+<p>Darting, I cleave the air,</p>
+<p class="i2">Skimming sea's surface.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Some swear the storm I raise;</p>
+<p>That's superstition's craze;</p>
+<p>But on tempestuous days,</p>
+<p class="i2">Wild, wet, and windy,</p>
+<p>Herald of storm I fly.</p>
+<p>Only a Petrel, I,</p>
+<p>But when my form you spy,&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Look out for shindy.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind">"<span class="sc">Benefits Forgot.</span>"&mdash;This is the title of
+a serial in <i>Scribners'</i>. Many over-strict persons
+will not read it, being under the impression
+that the story is essentially theatrical.
+A natural mistake. Nothing in an actor's
+life could give occasion for more bitter
+reflection than the memory of "Benefits
+Forgot," especially after they had been got
+up and advertised at great personal expense.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>TO A FINE WOMAN.</h2>
+
+<h4>(<i>By a Little Man.</i>)</h4>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"Can my eyes reach thy size?"</p>
+<p class="i2">Asked the Lilliputian poet,</p>
+<p>As I've read. Can my head</p>
+<p class="i2">Reach your shoulder? It's below it.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Women all are so tall</p>
+<p class="i2">Nowadays, but you're gigantic;</p>
+<p>One so vast, sweeping past,</p>
+<p class="i2">Makes my five feet four feel frantic.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Each girl tries exercise,</p>
+<p class="i2">Rows, rides, runs, golf, cricket, tennis,</p>
+<p>Games for an Olympian&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Greek Olympia, not "Venice."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Stalks and shoots, climbs in boots</p>
+<p class="i2">Like a navvy's not a dandy's,</p>
+<p>Ice-axe takes, records breaks&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">If not neck&mdash;on Alps or Andes.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Alps in height, girls affright</p>
+<p class="i2">Men, like me, of puny figure;</p>
+<p>They are too tall, but you</p>
+<p class="i2">Are preposterously bigger.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>At this dance, if I glance</p>
+<p class="i2">Round the room, I see I'm smallest;</p>
+<p>You instead are a head</p>
+<p class="i2">Over girls and men, you're tallest.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>As a pair, at a fair,</p>
+<p class="i2">Any showman might produce us;</p>
+<p>Dwarf I'd do, giant you&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">What! They want to introduce us?</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Can I whirl such a girl?</p>
+<p class="i2">Calisthenics could not teach it.</p>
+<p>I, effaced, clasp your waist?</p>
+<p class="i2">I'll be hanged if I can reach it!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+  <hr class="medium" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page67" id="page67"></a>[pg 67]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/067-1500.png"><img src="images/067-600.png" width="600" height="462" alt="THE STORMY PETREL!" /></a>
+<h2>THE STORMY PETREL!</h2></div>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page68" id="page68"></a>[pg 68]</span><br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page69" id="page69"></a>[pg 69]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>THE ADVENTURES OF PICKLOCK HOLES.</h2>
+
+<h4>(<i>By Cunnin Toil.</i>)</h4>
+
+<h3>No. I.&mdash;THE BISHOP'S CRIME.</h3>
+
+<p>I was sitting alone in my room at 10.29 on the night of the
+14th of last November. I had been doing a good deal of work
+lately, and I was tired. Moreover, I had had more than one touch
+of that old Afghan fever, which always seemed to be much more
+inclined to touch than to go. However, we can't have everything
+here to please us; and as I had only the other day attended two
+bankers and a Lord Mayor for <ins title="T.N.: Original reads 'measeles'">measles</ins>, I had no real cause to
+complain of my prospects. I had drawn the old armchair in which
+I was sitting close to the fire, and, not having any bread handy, I
+was occupied in toasting my feet at the blaze when suddenly the
+clock on the mantelpiece struck the half hour, and <span class="sc">Picklock
+Holes</span> stood by my side. I was too much accustomed to his
+proceedings to express any surprise at seeing him thus, but I own
+that I was itching to ask him how he had managed to get into my
+house without ringing the bell. However, I refrained, and motioned
+him to a chair.</p>
+
+<p>"My friend," said this extraordinary man, without the least preface,
+"you've been smoking again. You know you have; it's not the least
+use denying it." I absolutely gasped with astonishment, and gazed at
+him almost in terror. How had he
+guessed my secret? He read my
+thoughts, and smiled.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, simply enough. That spot on
+your shirt-cuff is black. But it might
+have been yellow, or green, or blue, or
+brown, or rainbow-coloured. But I know
+you smoke Rainbow mixture, and as your
+canary there in the corner has just gone
+blind, I know further that bird's-eye is
+one of the component parts of the mixture."</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Holes</span>," I cried, dropping my old
+meerschaum out of my mouth in my
+amazement; "I don't believe you're a
+man at all&mdash;you're a devil."</p>
+
+<p>"Thank you for the compliment," he
+replied, without moving a single muscle
+of his marble face. "You ought not to
+sup&mdash;&mdash;" He was going to have added
+"pose," but the first syllable seemed to
+suggest a new train of thought (in which,
+I may add, there was no second class
+whatever) to my inexplicable friend.</p>
+
+<p>"No," he said; "the devilled bones
+were not good. Don't interrupt me; you
+had devilled bones for supper, or rather
+you would have had them, only you didn't like them. Do you see that
+match? A small piece is broken off the bottom, but enough is left
+to show it was once a lucifer&mdash;in other words, a devil. It is lying at
+the feet of the skeleton which you use for your anatomical investigations,
+and therefore I naturally conclude that you had devilled
+bones for supper. You didn't eat them, <i>for not a single bone of the
+skeleton is missing</i>. Do I make myself clear?"</p>
+
+<p>"You do," I said, marvelling more than ever at the extraordinary
+perspicacity of the man. As a matter of fact, my supper had consisted
+of bread and cheese; but I felt that it would be in extremely
+bad taste for a struggling medical practitioner like myself to contradict
+a detective whose fame had extended to the ends of the earth.
+I picked up my pipe, and relit it, and, for a few moments, we sat in
+silence. At last I ventured to address him.</p>
+
+<p>"Anything new?" I said.</p>
+
+<p>"No, not exactly new," he said, wearily, passing his sinewy hand
+over his expressionless brow. "Have you a special <i>Evening
+Standard</i>? I conclude you have, as I see no other evening papers
+here. Do you mind handing it to me?"</p>
+
+<p>There was no deceiving this weird creature. I took the paper he
+mentioned from my study table, and handed it to him.</p>
+
+<p>"Now listen," said <span class="sc">Holes</span>, and then read, in a voice devoid of
+any sign of emotion, the following paragraph:&mdash;"This morning, as
+Mrs. <span class="sc">Drabley</span>, a lady of independent means, was walking in
+Piccadilly, she inadvertently stepped on a piece of orange-peel, and
+fell heavily on the pavement. She was carried into the shop of
+Messrs. <span class="sc">Salver and Tankard</span>, the well-known silversmiths, and it
+was at first thought she had broken her right leg. However, on
+being examined by a medical man who happened to be passing,
+she was pronounced to be suffering from nothing worse than a
+severe bruise, and, in the course of half-an-hour, she recovered
+sufficiently to be able to proceed on her business. This is the
+fifth accident caused by orange-peel at the same place within the
+last week."</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/069-700.png"><img src="images/069-400.png" width="400" height="392" alt="'The Bishop was in his night-gown'" /></a>
+<p>"The Bishop was in his night-gown, and the sight of
+two strangers visibly alarmed him."</p></div>
+
+<p>"It <i>is</i> scandalous!" I broke in. "This mania for dropping orange-peel
+is decimating London. Curiously enough I happen to be the
+medical man who&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, I know; you are the medical man who was passing."</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Holes</span>," I ejaculated, "you are a magician."</p>
+
+<p>"No, not a magician; only a humble seeker after truth, who
+uses as a basis for his deduction some slight point that others are
+too blind to grasp. Now you think the matter ends there. I don't.
+I mean to discover who dropped that orange-peel. Will you help
+me?"</p>
+
+<p>"Of course I will, but how do you mean to proceed? There must
+be thousands of people who eat oranges every day in London."</p>
+
+<p>"Be accurate, my dear fellow, whatever you do. There are
+78,965, not counting girls. But this piece was not dropped by
+a girl."</p>
+
+<p>"How do you know?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Never mind; it is sufficient that I do know it. Read this,"
+he continued, pointing to another column of the paper. This is
+what I read:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Missionary Enterprise.</span>&mdash;A great conference of American and
+Colonial Bishops was held in Exeter Hall this afternoon. The proceedings
+opened with an impassioned speech from the Bishop of
+<span class="sc">Florida</span>&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Never mind the rest," said <span class="sc">Holes</span>, "that's quite enough.
+Now read this":&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"The magnificent silver bowl to be
+presented to the Bishop of Florida by
+some of his English friends is now on
+view at Messrs. <span class="sc">Salver and Tankard's</span>
+in Piccadilly. It is a noble specimen of
+the British silversmith's art." An elaborate
+description followed.</p>
+
+<p>"These paragraphs," continued <span class="sc">Holes</span>,
+in his usual impassive manner, "give
+me the clue I want. Florida is an
+orange-growing country. Let us call on
+the Bishop."</p>
+
+<p>In a moment we had put on our hats,
+and in another moment we were in a
+Hansom on our way to the Bishop's
+lodgings in Church Street, Soho. <span class="sc">Holes</span>
+gained admittance by means of his skeleton
+key. We passed noiselessly up the
+stairs, and, without knocking, entered the
+Bishop's bedroom. He was in his night-gown,
+and the sight of two strangers
+visibly alarmed him.</p>
+
+<p>"I am a detective," began <span class="sc">Holes</span>.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh," said the Bishop, turning pale.
+"Then I presume you have called about
+that curate who disappeared in an alligator
+swamp close to my episcopal palace
+in Florida. It is not true that I killed him. He&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Tush," said <span class="sc">Holes</span>, "we are come about weightier matters.
+This morning at half-past eleven your lordship was standing
+outside the shop of <span class="sc">Salver and Tankard</span> looking at your presentation
+bowl. You were eating an orange. You stowed the
+greater part of the peel in your coat-tail pocket, but you dropped,
+maliciously dropped, one piece on the pavement. Shortly afterwards
+a stout lady passing by trod on it and fell. Have you anything
+to say?"</p>
+
+<p>The Bishop made a movement, but <span class="sc">Holes</span> was before-hand with
+him. He dashed to a long black coat that hung behind the door,
+inserted his hand deftly in the pocket, and pulled out the fragmentary
+remains of a large Florida orange.</p>
+
+<p>"As I supposed," he said, "a piece is missing."</p>
+
+<p>But the miserable prelate had fallen senseless on the floor, where
+we left him.</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Holes</span>," I said, "this is one of your very best. How on earth
+did you know you would find that orange-peel in his coat?"</p>
+
+<p>"I didn't find it there," replied my friend; "I brought it with
+me, and had it in my hand when I put it in his pocket. I knew
+I should have to use strong measures with so desperate a
+character. My dear fellow, all these matters require tact and
+imagination."</p>
+
+<p>And that was how we brought home the orange-peel to the
+Bishop.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>Ben Trovato.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>A penny-a-liner heard&mdash;with a not unnatural choler&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">That he of all invention was apparently bereft;</p>
+<p>And so he up and told them that a smart left-handed bowler,</p>
+<p class="i2">"Manipulates the leather with the left!"</p>
+<p>That's very chaste and novel, and alliterative too;</p>
+<p>As a sham Swinburnian poet we should think that man might do!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page70" id="page70"></a>[pg 70]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/070-1500.png"><img src="images/070-600.png" width="600" height="365" alt="EDUCATED." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">EDUCATED.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>From a Yorkshire Moor.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>Keeper (to the Captain, who has missed again, and is letting off steam in
+consequence).</i> "<span class="sc">Oh dear! Oh dear! It's hawful to see yer
+missin' of 'em, Sir; but</span>"&mdash;(<i>with admiration</i>)&mdash;"<span class="sc">ye're a Scholard
+i' Langwidge, Sir!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>CRICKET CONGRATULATIONS.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>843! Well done! Well played! Well hit!</p>
+<p>It opens <i>Mr. Punch's</i> eyes a bit</p>
+<p>To see our friends of the Antipodes</p>
+<p>Pile up their hundreds with the utmost ease.</p>
+<p><span class="sc">Bruce</span> leads the way, and shows Blues&mdash;Dark and Light&mdash;</p>
+<p>Left-handed men may play the game aright.</p>
+<p>Then <span class="sc">Bannerman</span>, safe as a <span class="sc">Gunn</span> is he,</p>
+<p>Exceeds the Century by thirty-three,</p>
+<p>While five more than a hundred runs are due</p>
+<p>To <span class="sc">Trumble</span>, whom his friends call simply "<span class="sc">Hugh</span>."</p>
+<p>Well played, Australia! Banks may fail&mdash;they do,</p>
+<p>And, truth to tell, you <i>have</i> lost one or two,</p>
+<p>But this at any rate's a clear deduction&mdash;</p>
+<p>Your Cricket Team can need no reconstruction!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2 class="sans">ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, July 31.</i>&mdash;No one who chanced last
+Thursday to see <span class="sc">Hayes Fisher</span> and <span class="sc">Logan</span> engaged in controversy
+on Front Opposition Bench would suspect them of essentially
+retiring disposition. This conclusively proved to-night. Decided
+on further consideration that something must really be done in
+direction of modifying effects of Thursday's riot. Someone must
+apologise. This put to <span class="sc">Hayes Fisher</span>, who delighted <span class="sc">Walrond</span>
+with swiftness, even enthusiasm, of acquiescence.</p>
+
+<p>"Right you are, dear boy," he cried. "I have thought so from
+the first. Indeed I have publicly placed the matter in its true light.
+Daresay you read my little affidavit written within an hour of what
+I quite agree with the <span class="sc">Speaker</span> in alluding to as 'the regrettable
+incident.' Here's what I said: 'To put a stop to his (<span class="sc">Logan's</span>)
+aggressive conduct, I immediately seized him by the neck and
+forcibly ejected him on to the floor of the House. That began the
+scrimmage.' Then I go on to point the moral, though indeed it
+points itself. This is where you and I particularly agree. 'In my
+opinion the responsibility for the discreditable scene rests even more
+with Mr. <span class="sc">Gladstone</span> than with Mr. <span class="sc">Logan</span>.' Yes,
+<span class="sc">Walrond</span>, you
+are quite right in what you are about to say. I have shown clearly
+that Mr. G. was at the bottom of the whole business, and he should
+apologise. Don't you think he'd better be brought in at the Bar?
+And if he spent a night or two in the Clock Tower it would have
+most wholesome effect, vindicate dignity of House, and prevent
+recurrence of these regrettable scenes."</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Walrond's</span> face a study, whilst <span class="sc">Hayes Fisher</span>, carried away
+by enthusiasm of moment, rubbed his hands and smiled in anticipation
+of the scene.</p>
+
+<p>The Opposition Whip had tough job in hand. To <span class="sc">Fisher's</span> logical
+mind the proposal that <i>he</i> should apologise was a <i>non sequitur</i>.
+Why, what had he done? As he told House later, seeing <span class="sc">Logan</span>
+come up and sit down on bench below him, he thought he was going
+to strike him. Natural attitude for a man meaning to let out
+straight from the shoulder at another is to sit down with back turned
+towards intended victim. <span class="sc">Fisher's</span> quick intelligence taking whole
+situation in at glance, he promptly proceeded to take in as much as
+his hands would hold of the back of <span class="sc">Logan's</span> neck, with intent to
+thrust him forth. That, as he wrote, "began the scrimmage."
+In other words, Mr. <span class="sc">Gladstone</span> was responsible for the whole
+business, even more so than <span class="sc">Logan</span>, who had wantonly brought the
+back of his neck within reach of <span class="sc">Fisher's</span> hand.</p>
+
+<p>However, there were reasons of State why the guilty should go
+unpunished. Not the first time Innocency has been sacrificed that
+Guilt might stalk through the land unfettered. <span class="sc">Fisher</span> would
+apologise; but here again the untameably logical mind asserted
+itself. <span class="sc">Logan</span> must apologise first. It was he who had been forcibly
+ejected. On Thursday night <span class="sc">Fisher</span> had come up behind him;
+<i>argal</i>, he must follow him now. Thus it was settled, or so understood.
+But when critical moment arrived, House waiting for someone
+to speak, hitch occurred. <span class="sc">Fisher</span> waited for <span class="sc">Logan</span>;
+<span class="sc">Logan</span>, in
+excess of politeness, hung back. Awkward pause. <span class="sc">Speaker</span>
+observed he had certainly understood something might be said by
+the two gentlemen. Another pause. <span class="sc">Logan</span> and <span class="sc">Fisher</span> eyed each
+other across the floor.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Lord <span class="sc">Chatham</span>, with his sword drawn,</p>
+<p>Stood waiting for Sir <span class="sc">Richard Strachan</span>;</p>
+<p>Sir <span class="sc">Richard</span>, longing to be at 'em,</p>
+<p>Stood waiting for the Earl of <span class="sc">Chatham</span>.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page71" id="page71"></a>[pg 71]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 350px;"><a href="images/071-1100.png"><img src="images/071-360.png" width="360" height="478" alt="'THE HAPPY FAMILY.'" /></a>
+<h2>"<span class="sans">THE HAPPY FAMILY.</span>"</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>By Our Artist in Fret-Work.</i>)</p></div>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page72" id="page72"></a>[pg 72]</span>
+
+<p>At length <span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span> interposed; gently, but firmly, drew
+the coy <span class="sc">Fisher</span> to the front. His apology followed by one from the
+lingering <span class="sc">Logan</span>. Scene ended amid mutual tears.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, it's all very well," said <span class="sc">Fisher</span>, wringing his
+pocket-handkerchief
+and glaring angrily at Mr. G. "But, after all, the real
+criminal has escaped, and logic, as applicable to events of daily life,
+has received a staggering blow."</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Acland</span> explained English Education Estimates
+in speech admirable alike in matter and manner.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:400px;"><a href="images/072a-1000.png"><img src="images/072a-400.png" width="400" height="265" alt="Another Injustice to Ireland." /></a>
+<h4>Another Injustice to Ireland.</h4></div>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;Some men are born to trouble as the sparks fly upwards.
+Of these is <span class="sc">William O'Brien</span>. It would seem that fate had
+expended its malignity when <span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span> deprived him of his
+breeches. Now <span class="sc">Joseph</span> has appropriated his dinner-table. The
+lynx eye of <span class="sc">Bartley</span> detected the irregularity which disclosed
+existence of this fresh outrage. <span class="sc">Bartley</span> favourably known in House
+as guardian of its honour and dignity. From time to time spirit
+moves him suddenly to rise and point fat forefinger at astonished
+Mr. G., whom he has discovered in some fresh design upon stability
+of the Empire or symmetry of the Constitution. At stated hours,
+formerly on Thursdays ten o'clock now generally on stroke of
+midnight, he is seen and heard shouting "Gag! gag!"</p>
+
+<p>"Odd," says Member for Sark, "how phrases change in similar
+circumstances though at different epochs. When Closure first
+invented, put in motion by dear <span class="sc">Old Morality</span>, and supported
+by <span class="sc">Bartley</span>, <span class="sc">Hanbury</span>, <span class="sc">Jimmy Lowther</span>, and the rest, it
+used
+to be spoken resentfully of as 'pouncing.' Now it is 'gagging.'
+But it is precisely the same, inasmuch as the minority
+of the day, against whom it is enforced, denounce it as iniquitous,
+whilst the majority, who took that view when they were on
+other side of House, now regard it as indispensable to conduct
+of public business. <span class="sc">Bartley</span> having lived through both epochs
+is useful illustration of this tendency. When <span class="sc">Old Morality</span>
+pounced on Irish members his lusty shout of approval used
+to echo through House with only less volume than now his roar
+of anguish goes up to glass roof when <span class="sc">Old Morality's</span> original
+thumbscrews are fitted on him and his friends. A quaint,
+mad world, my <span class="sc">Toby</span>."</p>
+
+<p>To-night <span class="sc">Bartley</span> not so well-informed on subject as usual.
+Thought it was <span class="sc">John Dillon</span>, who, acting the part of
+<span class="sc">Amphitryon</span>,
+piloted his guests within preserves of members' private
+dining-room. Turned out it wasn't <span class="sc">Dillon</span> at all, but <span class="sc">William
+O'Brien</span>, who in most tragic manner tells how, having secured
+in advance a table for his guests, found when the dinner-hour
+struck <span class="sc">Joseph</span> and his Brethren seated thereat, merrily profiting
+by his forethought. Straightway <span class="sc">O'Brien</span> led his guests to
+the table in members' room which Unionist Leaders have
+marked for their own. This he appropriated, and there,
+regardless of surprised looks from ex-ministers at adjoining
+table, he truculently dined.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, at any rate," said <span class="sc">Tim Healy</span>, that Man of Peace,
+"I'm glad it wasn't mere English or Orangemen who were
+thus treated. If <span class="sc">Joseph</span> had appropriated <span class="sc">Saunderson's</span> table,
+the Colonel would have taken him in his arms, dropped him outside
+on the Terrace, and, returning to his seat, ordered a fresh plate
+of soup." <i>Business done.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Bartley</span> adds fresh dignity to
+Parliamentary
+debate.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;Was it this day week the House was in volcanic upheaval,
+with <span class="sc">Hayes Fisher</span>&mdash;or was it Mr. <span class="sc">Gladstone</span>?&mdash;clutching
+<span class="sc">Logan</span> by the back of the neck, a mad mob mauling each other
+round the white waistcoat of <span class="sc">Edward of Armagh</span>? According to
+the almanack this is so; according to appearances an eternity and
+a hemisphere divide the two scenes.</p>
+
+<p>In Committee on Vote on Account; average attendance from twenty
+to thirty. Orders bristle with amendments; papers read in support
+of them; occasionally a Member follows with observations on topic
+suggested; sometimes he doesn't; then next gentleman who has
+prepared paper takes the floor; the audience turns over; goes to
+sleep again; wakened by Chairman putting question "that Amendment
+be withdrawn." Isn't even vigour sufficient to induce a division.</p>
+
+<p>Only person free from somnolent influence of hour is Mr. G. Has
+nothing to do in this galley; looks on wistfully whilst
+<span class="sc">Lowther</span> (not <span class="sc">Jimmy</span>) talks about Vitu and the Pamirs;
+<span class="sc">Jimmy</span> (<i>lui même</i>) is sarcastic on subject of Board of
+Trade engaging in experiments in journalism; and
+<span class="sc">Dicky Temple</span> wants to know all about reported modifications
+in constitution of St. Paul's School by the
+Charity Commissioners. Mr. G. liked to have offered few
+remarks on one or all these subjects. <span class="sc">Tommy Bowles</span>
+nearly succeeded in drawing him. Dropping lightly out
+of Siam, <i>viâ</i> Morocco, upon question of Collisions at Sea,
+<span class="sc">Tommy</span> brought <span class="sc">Mundella</span> into full focus and fairly
+floored him with a problem.</p>
+
+<p>"Suppose," he said, "the right hon. gentleman were
+at sea, and the whole fleet bore down upon him on the
+weather bow. What would he do?"</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 300px;"><a href="images/072b-900.png"><img src="images/072b-300.png" width="300" height="255" alt="Reading the G. O. M. to sleep." /></a>
+<h4>Reading the G. O. M. to sleep.</h4></div>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Mundella</span> nonplussed. Mr. G. knew all about it;
+would have answered right off and probably silenced
+even <span class="sc">Tommy</span> with proposition of counter man&oelig;uvre. But
+<span class="sc">Marjoribanks</span> kept relentless eye on him. Vote on
+Account must be got through Committee to-night.
+The less speaking the better; so with profound sigh
+Mr. G. resisted the temptation and composed himself
+to listen to <span class="sc">Leng's</span> paper on the prohibition of importation
+of live cattle from Canada. Here was opportunity
+of learning something which Mr. G. gratefully
+welcomed. Gradually, as the new knight went on
+reading extract after extract in level voice, remorselessly
+deliberate, Mr. G.'s eyes closed, his head drooped, and in
+full view of the crowded Strangers' Gallery he fell into peaceful,
+childlike slumber.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Vote on Account passed Committee.</p>
+
+<p><i>Friday.</i>&mdash;Morning sitting devoted to miscellaneous talk around
+Ireland. Evening, a long <span class="sc">Storey</span> about iniquities of House of
+Lords. The evening and the morning a dull day. Had time to
+look over Mr. G.'s letter about retention of Irish Members. "What
+do you think of it?" I asked the Member for Sark. "Haven't
+read it," he said. "When I saw it was a column long, I knew
+Mr. G. didn't want to say anything that would be understood.
+When he does, a few lines suffice; when he doesn't, nothing less
+than a column of print will serve."</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Vote on Account through Report Stage.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">France and Siam.</span>&mdash;The situation at Bangkok will probably
+result in further Develle-opments.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<table align="center" summary="transcriber note" width="auto" style="margin-top: 3em; margin-bottom: 3em;">
+<tr>
+    <td class="note">
+
+<h4>Transcriber's Note:</h4>
+
+<p>Sundry damaged or missing punctuation has been repaired.</p>
+
+<p>The corrections listed below are also indicated in the text by a dashed line at the appropriate place:<br />
+Move the mouse over the word, and the original text <ins title="T.N.: Original reads 'apprears'">appears</ins>.</p>
+
+<p>Page 64: 'barometre' corrected to 'baromètre'.<br />
+"Le baromètre&mdash;Beau fixe!"</p>
+
+<p>Page 65: 'Jung Frau' ... the author may have had something else in mind,
+besides the mountain (Jungfrau)?<br />
+"<i>Interlachen.</i> Remember the Jung Frau and forget the tourists."</p>
+
+<p>Page 69: 'measeles' corrected to 'measles'.<br />
+"attended two bankers and a Lord Mayor for measles,"</p>
+
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+105, August 12th 1893, by Various
+
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+</body>
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@@ -0,0 +1,1661 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105,
+August 12th 1893, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105, August 12th 1893
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: May 19, 2011 [EBook #36140]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOLUME 105, August 12th 1893
+
+_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_
+
+
+
+
+THE CLOSURE AT HOME.
+
+Paterfamilias entered the drawing-room at ten minutes to six o'clock,
+and found the family still undecided. There was a pause in the
+conversation when he made his appearance.
+
+"Where are we to go?" he asked, taking out his watch. "You have been
+quarrelling for the last week, and I have given you till this hour. So
+get through your amendments as fast as you can."
+
+"I prefer Paris," said Materfamilias, "and I am supported by all the
+girls. We are decidedly in a majority."
+
+"Paris is simply awful at the end of July!" cried the eldest son.
+"Give you my word, mother, the place is impossible."
+
+"Venice would certainly be better," said his younger brother.
+"Charming place, and you get a very decent _table d'hote_ at
+DANIELI'S."
+
+"Oh, Venice is too dreadful just now!" exclaimed Aunt MATILDA. "If
+_we_ are to go with you, we certainly can't travel there. Besides,
+there's the cholera all over the Continent. Now Oban would be nice."
+
+"Are you speaking seriously?" asked Cousin JANE. "Scotland never
+agrees with me, but Cairo would be perfect."
+
+"Do you think so, my dear girl?" put in Uncle JOHN. "I fancy you
+are making a mistake. Egypt is very well in the winter, but it
+is fearfully hot in August. Now they tell me Killarney is simply
+delightful at this season."
+
+"Ireland! No, thank you!" exclaimed REGINALD. "We have had enough of
+Home Rule on this side of the Channel to go across to find it on the
+other. No; give me Spain, or even Russia."
+
+The hands of the clock were close upon the hour, but still there was a
+minute or so to spare.
+
+"Russia indeed!" snapped out PRISCILLA. "Who ever would go to Russia?
+But people do tell me that Chicago is well worth seeing, and----"
+
+At this moment the clock struck six.
+
+"Time's up," cried Paterfamilias. "We will all go to Herne Bay."
+
+And they did.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE TEST OF TRUE GENIUS.
+
+_Pictor Ignotus Number One._ "YES; I RATHER FLATTER MYSELF THERE ARE
+PRECIOUS FEW OF MY CONTEMPORARIES WHO CARE ABOUT _MY_ WORK!"
+
+_Pictor Ignotus Number Two_ (_not to be beaten_). "BY JOVE! I RATHER
+FLATTER MYSELF I'VE GOT THE PULL OF YOU _THERE_, OLD MAN! WHY, THERE'S
+_NOBODY_ CARES ABOUT _MINE_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The New Atomic Theory.
+
+(_According to the New Journalism_).
+
+  Mankind are debtors to two mighty creditors,
+  Omniscient Science, and infallible Editors.
+  Nature is summed in principles and particles;
+  The moral world in Laws and Leading Articles!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CRICKET ACROSS THE CHANNEL.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+We believe that our lively neighbours, the French, having seen that
+there is a chance of some alteration being made in the rules of
+cricket in England, have determined to suggest some changes on their
+own account. We give the first list of proposals:--
+
+1. The ball in future is to be made of india-rubber.
+
+2. Armour to be allowed to the striker, so as to prevent accidents
+from the ball.
+
+3. The umpires to be henceforth experienced surgeons, so that their
+medical services may be available for the wounded.
+
+4. Camp-stools to be permitted to the long-stop, and other hard-worked
+members of the field.
+
+5. Fielders expected to run after a rapidly-driven ball, to be allowed
+to follow the object on bicycles.
+
+6. The wicket-keeper to have a small portable fortress in front of him
+to keep him out of danger.
+
+7. The bats to be made of the same materials as those used in
+lawn-tennis.
+
+8. The game to commence with the "luncheon interval," to be employed
+in discussing a _dejeuner a la fourchette_.
+
+9. The uniform of the cricketer in future to consist of a horn, a
+hunting-knife, jockey-cap and fishing-boots, in fact the costume of
+the earliest French exponent of the game.
+
+10. The outside to have the right to declare the game closed when
+fatigued.
+
+11. A band of music to be engaged to play a popular programme. A
+flourish of trumpets to announce the triumph of the striker when he
+succeeds in hitting the ball.
+
+12. Those who take part in the great game to be decorated with a
+medal. All future matches to be commemorated with clasps, to denote
+the player's bravery.
+
+Should these reforms be adopted by the M. C. C., there seems little
+doubt that the national game of England will receive a fresh lease of
+popularity in the land that faces Albion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LATEST CRISIS.
+
+    [Mr. BARTLEY protested in the House of Commons against Mr. W.
+    O'BRIEN'S conduct in dining in the House with strangers at
+    a table reserved for Members. Mr. O'BRIEN explained that Mr.
+    AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN had taken a table which he (Mr.
+    O'BRIEN) had previously reserved. The question is under the
+    consideration of the Kitchen Committee.]
+
+  A crisis! A crisis! The man is a fool
+  Who desires at this moment to talk of Home Rule.
+  Though we know that in Egypt a something is rotten,
+  The intrigues of young ABBAS are straightway forgotten;
+  And we think just as much of the woes of Siam
+  As we care for that coin of small value--a _dam_.
+  For a crisis has come, and the House is unable
+  To detach its attention from questions of table.
+  Their tongues and their brains all the Members exhaust in
+  Discussing the rights of O'BRIEN and AUSTEN.
+  They debate in an access of anger and gloom
+  As to who took from which what was kept, and for whom.
+  The letters they wrote, the retorts they made tartly
+  Are detailed--gracious Powers preserve us--by BARTLEY,
+  Who can bend--only statesmen are formed for such feats--
+  His mind, which is massive, to questions of seats,
+  And discuss with a zest which is equal to TANNER'S,
+  The absorbing details of a matter of manners.
+  Mr. BARTLEY you like to be heard than to hear
+  Far more, but, forgive me, a word in your ear.
+  Though we greatly rejoice when all records are cut
+  By your steam-hammer mind in thus smashing a nut,
+  Yet we think it were well if the Kitchen could settle
+  In private this question of pot _versus_ kettle.
+  And in future, when dog-like men fight for a bone,
+  Take a hint, Mr. BARTLEY, and leave them alone.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LATEST FROM THE NATIONAL BOXING SALOON (_with the kind regards of the_
+SPEAKER).--"The nose has it, and so have the eyes!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SAINT IZAAK AND HIS VOTARIES.
+
+_Mr. Punch's Tercentenary Tribute to the Author of "The Compleat
+Angler."_
+
+    [August 9th this year is the 300th anniversary of the birth,
+    in the ancient house at Stafford, of IZAAK WALTON.]
+]
+
+  Good IZAAK of the diction quaint,
+    The calendar holds many a fellow
+  Less worthy to be dubbed a saint
+    (For gentle heart and wisdom mellow)
+  Than thou, the Angler's genial guide
+  By wandering brook and river wide.
+
+  "I care not, I, to fish in seas,"
+    So chirped WILL BASSE, thy favourite singer,
+  "Fresh rivers best my mind do please."
+    Bard-loving quoter, brave back-bringer
+  Of England's pastoral scenes and songs,
+  All England's praise to thee belongs.
+
+  Thy Book bewitches more than those
+    Who are sworn "Brothers of the Angle."
+  Scents of fresh pastures, wilding rose,
+    All trailing flowers that intertangle
+  In England's hedgerows, seem to fill
+  Its pages and our pulses thrill.
+
+  We see the stretch "up Totnam Hil,"
+    Toward the "Thatcht House" that fresh May morning;
+  We hear VIATOR praise the skill
+    That he was first inclined to scorning;
+  We mark the Master's friendly proffer
+  Change him to votary from scoffer.
+
+  Those "many grave and serious men,"
+    He chid as "men of sowr complexions,"
+  If they resist his graphic pen,
+    His pastorals sweet, his quaint reflections,
+  Must have indeed mere souls of earth,
+  To beauty blind, untuned to mirth.
+
+  The "poor-rich-men" he pitied so
+    All Anglers, and wise hearts, must pity.
+  His song's queer "trollie lollie loe,"
+    Sounds cheerily as the blackbird's ditty,
+  To men in populous city pent,
+  Who know the Angler's calm content.
+
+  And even those who know it not,
+    Nor care--poor innocents!--to know it,
+  Whom ne'er the Fisher's favoured lot
+    Has thrilled as sportsman, fired as poet,
+  May love to turn the leaves, and halt on
+  The quaint conceits of honest WALTON.
+
+  The man whose only "quill" 's a pen,
+    Who keeps no rod and tackle handy,
+  May hear thy "merry river" when
+    "It bubbles, dances, and grows sandy."
+  May sit beneath thy beech, and wish
+  To catch thy voice, if not thy fish:
+
+  May love to sit or stroll with thee,
+    Amidst the grassy water-meadows;
+  The culverkeys and cowslips see,
+    Dancing in summer's lights and shadows;
+  And watch yon youngster gathering stocks
+  Of lilies and of lady-smocks:
+
+  To hear thy milkmaid, MAUDLIN, troll
+    Choice morsels from KIT MARLOW sweetly;
+  And MAUDLIN'S mother,--honest soul,
+    Whose "golden age" has fled so fleetly!--
+  Respond with RALEIGH'S answering rhyme
+  Of wisdom past its active prime:
+
+  To take a draught of sound old ale--
+    What tipple wholesomer or sweeter?--
+  At the old ale-house in the vale,
+    With CORYDON and brother PETER;
+  And share the "Musick"'s mellow bout,
+  As they at supper shared the trout.
+
+  Then to that cleanly room and sweet--
+    After a gay good night to all--
+  Lavender scent about the sheet,
+    And "ballads stuck about the wall,"
+  And fall on sleep devoid of sorrow,
+  With fair dreams filled of sport to-morrow.
+
+  What wonder WALTON'S work has charmed
+    Three centuries? That his bait has captured
+  The grey recluse, the boy switch-armed,
+    The sage, the statesman, bard enraptured,
+  Gay girl--are fish her only spoil?--
+  And grave Thames-haunting son of toil!
+
+  Thy votaries, good Saint IZAAK, are
+    "All who love _quietnesse_, and _vertue_."
+  Is there on whom such praises jar?
+    Well, join for once--it scarce can hurt you--
+  In _Punch's_ Tribute; fortune wishing
+  To gentle souls who "go a-fishing!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GUESSES AT TRUTH.
+
+_Mr. Laidislaw._ "HANDSOME WOMAN OUR HOSTESS--DON'T YOU THINK? BY THE
+BYE, WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE HER AGE IS?"
+
+_Miss St. Cyr._ "WELL, I SHOULD FANCY, WHAT THE ILLUSTRATED
+BIOGRAPHIES CALL 'PRESENT DAY!'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HERE'S TO THE CLIENT."
+
+  Here's to the client who makes his own will,
+    And here's to his friends who dispute it;
+  Here's to the case which is drawn up with skill,
+    And the time that it takes to refute it.
+
+  Here's to the felon whose crimes are a score,
+    And here's to the wretch with but one, Sirs;
+  Fraudulent trustees, directors galore,
+    And the various things that they've done, Sirs.
+
+  Here's to the costs which will mount up apace,
+    When the action comes on for a hearing,
+  "Retainers," "refreshers," and all of their race,
+    Which they lavish on us for appearing.
+
+  Here's to the Law, with its hand just and strong,
+    Which has grown from the earliest ages;
+  And here's to this lay, which we hope's not too long
+    For _Punch_ to put into his pages.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW VERSION OF AN OLD SAYING (_adapted for exclusive swells who cannot
+enjoy even a Sport when it becomes "so common, don't-cha!"_).--What is
+Everybody's pleasure is Nobody's pleasure!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO A SWISS BAROMETER.
+
+  Oh, optimistic instrument,
+    No other ever seeks
+  To raise one's hopes--benevolent
+    You always show _Beau fixe_!
+
+  Though meteorologic swells
+    Predict wet days for weeks,
+  Your well-intentioned pointer tells
+    Of nothing but _Beau fixe_.
+
+  How sweet, when in the dewy morn--
+    So dewy!--up the peaks
+  We start through drizzle all forlorn,
+    To read again _Beau fixe_.
+
+  It makes us think of sunny lands,
+    Where weather has no freaks,
+  To see, they're always so, your hands
+    Both point to that _Beau fixe_.
+
+  And though we're sodden to the skin,
+    Through coat and vest and breeks,
+  You did not mean to take us in
+    In spite of your _Beau fixe_.
+
+  We tramp, expecting soon to see
+    In that grey sky some streaks;
+  Ah no, it's fixed as fixed can be,
+    As fixed as your _Beau fixe_.
+
+  No matter, we get used to rain,
+    And mop our streaming cheeks,
+  Quite sure, when we get home again,
+    You cannot say _Beau fixe_.
+
+  At last, all soaked, we stagger in--
+    One's clothing simply leaks--
+  And still you say, through thick and thin,
+    Unchangeably _Beau fixe_.
+
+  We change, although you don't; no thread
+    Is dry on us; small creeks
+  Form where we stand, all drenched from head
+    To foot. Blow your _Beau fixe_!
+
+  This beastly weather might have riled
+    The philosophic Greeks;
+  It makes us simple Britons wild,
+    Combined with your _Beau fixe_.
+
+  We tell the landlord we must go--
+    Poor man, he rather piques
+  Himself upon the weather, so
+    Incessantly _Beau fixe_.
+
+  "_Ah, non, ca va changer ce soir!_"
+    Thus hopefully he speaks,
+  "_Si Monsieur voulait bien voir
+    Le barometre--Beau fixe!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN AUTHORITY ON THE THEORY AND PRACTICE OF THE "BUFFER
+STATE"!!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Adapted.
+
+(_To the Unionist Needs of the Moment._)
+
+  Other men have many faults,
+      Mr. GLADSTONE has but two;
+  There's nothing wise that he can say,
+      and nothing right that he can do.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In a recent case, Mr. LANE, the magistrate, is reported to have
+informed an inquiring husband, "If your wife turns you out she is not
+bound to find you a home; but if _you_ turn your wife out you _are_
+bound to find _her_ a home." This suggests a new Charity, "The Home
+for Turned-out Wives." These ladies would be seen driving out in
+well-appointed traps, and gain a new status in Society as being
+"uncommonly well-turned-out" wives.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER SCENE AT THE PLAY.
+
+(_That never should be tolerated._)
+
+SCENE--_Auditorium of a Fashionable Theatre. Vast majority of the
+audience deeply interested in the action and dialogue of an excellent
+piece. Enter a party of Lady Emptyheads into a Private Box._
+
+_First Emptyhead (taking off her wraps)._ I told you there was no
+necessity to hurry away from dinner. You see they are getting on very
+well without us.
+
+_Second Empt. (seating herself in front of the box)._ Yes. And it's so
+much pleasanter to chat than to listen. This piece, they tell me, is
+full of clever dialogue--so satisfactory to people who like that sort
+of thing.
+
+_Third Empt. (looking round the house with an opera-glass)._ Why
+scarcely a soul in the place we know. Well, I suppose everybody is
+leaving town. Stay, is that Mrs. EVERGREEN TOFFY?
+
+_Fourth Empt. (also using her glasses)._ Why, yes. I wish we could
+make her see us.
+
+_First Empt._ Haven't you noticed that you never can attract attention
+when you want to? Isn't it provoking?
+
+_Second Empt._ Oh, terribly; and there is Captain DASHALONG. Why, I
+thought he was at Aldershot.
+
+_Third Empt._ Oh, they always give them leave about this time of the
+year.
+
+_Rest of Audience (sternly)._ Hush! S-s-s-h-s-h!
+
+_Fourth Empt._ I wonder what's the piece about.
+
+_Third Empt._ Oh, it doesn't in the least matter. Sure to be
+sparkling. Do you like that woman's hair?
+
+_Fourth Empt._ Scarcely. It's the wrong shade. How can people make
+such frights of themselves!
+
+_First Empt._ I wonder if this is the Second Act, or the First!
+
+_Third Empt._ What does it matter! I never worry about a piece, for I
+know I shall see all about it afterwards in the papers.
+
+_Rest of Audience (with increased sternness)._ Hush! S-s-s-h-s-h!
+
+_Second Empt._ I always come to this theatre because the chairs are
+comfortable. What is the good of going to the play unless you can
+enjoy yourself?
+
+_Third Empt._ Quite so. And it's much better fun without one's
+husband, isn't it?
+
+_First Empt._ Of course. I never bring mine, because he always goes to
+sleep! So disrespectful to the actresses and actors!
+
+_Second Empt._ Yes. Of course, one ought to listen to what's going on,
+even if you don't care what it's all about.
+
+_Fourth Empt._ Quite so. Not that it isn't pleasant to look round the
+house.
+
+_Rest of Audience (angrier than ever)._ Hush! S-s-s-h-s-h!
+
+_Third Empt._ Yes, I often think that this side of the curtain is
+quite as amusing as the other.
+
+_Fourth Empt._ I wonder what they are doing on the stage? Oh, I see
+that the Act is nearly over! Well, I daresay it has been very amusing.
+
+_Rest of Audience (furious)._ Hush! Hush! Hush!
+
+_First Empt._ There descends the curtain! By the way, what a noise
+those people in the pit have been making! I wonder what it was all
+about?
+
+_Second Empt._ I haven't the faintest notion. However, when the
+play begins again, I hope they won't make any more noise. It is so
+disrespectful to the Audience.
+
+_First Empt._ And the Company. Why can't people behave themselves in a
+theatre?
+
+_Second, Third, and Fourth Empt. (in chorus)._ Ah yes! Why can't they?
+
+[_Scene closes in upon a renewal of chatter upon the raising of the
+Curtain on another Act._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"GIVE A _DAY_ A BAD NAME AND----."--It is stated that the day of the
+disgraceful Donnybrook in the House of Commons has been nicknamed
+"Collar Day," because Mr. HAYES FISHER seized Mr. LOGAN by the collar,
+and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN "collared" Mr. O'BRIEN'S table in the dining-room.
+This is all very well in its way, but would not "_Choler_ Day" be more
+appropriate and intelligible?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DREAM-BOOK
+
+_For Would-be Travellers._
+
+If you dream of--
+
+_Antwerp._ Remember the Reubens and forget the passage over.
+
+_Boulogne._ Remember the Casino and forget the Port.
+
+_Calais._ Remember the Restaurant at the station and forget the dull
+surroundings.
+
+_Dieppe._ Remember the Plage and forget the occasional gales.
+
+_Etretat._ Remember the sands and forget the prices.
+
+_Florence._ Remember the pictures and forget the heat.
+
+_Geneva._ Remember the lake and forget the city.
+
+_Heidelberg._ Remember the castle and forget the climbing.
+
+_Interlachen._ Remember the Jung Frau and forget the tourists.
+
+_Japan._ Remember the interesting associations and forget the length
+of the journey.
+
+_Lisburn._ Remember that it is little known and forget that it is not
+worth seeing.
+
+_Madrid._ Remember that you can get there in two days and forget that
+you will regret the time you spend upon the trip.
+
+_Naples._ Remember that you should see the Bay and forget that you are
+expected to die immediately afterwards.
+
+_Paris._ Remember that it is always pleasant and forget that the
+exception is during August.
+
+_Quebec._ Remember it's in Canada and forget that it's the least
+pleasing place in America.
+
+_Rome._ Remember its objects of interest and forget its fever.
+
+_Strasbourg._ Remember that it has a Cathedral and forget that the
+clock is a fraud.
+
+_Turin._ Remember that it might be quite worth the journey and forget
+that it isn't.
+
+_Venice._ Remember its canals and forget its odours.
+
+_Vichy._ Remember that there is a good hotel and forget that you have
+been there a dozen times before.
+
+_Wiesbaden._ Remember the glories of its past and forget the sadness
+of its present.
+
+_Zurich._ Remember that it is completely abroad and forget that
+there's no place like home.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GOOD RESOLUTIONS.
+
+_Blenkinsop (on a Friend's Yacht) soliloquises._ "I KNOW ONE THING,
+IF EVER I'M RICH ENOUGH TO KEEP A YACHT, I SHALL SPEND THE MONEY IN
+HORSES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONLY THEIR PLAY!
+
+  Abnormal natures, morbid motives! Yes!
+  These things, upon the stage, perhaps impress.
+  Monstrosities, not true men's hearts, nor women's.
+  Trolls, with a touch of the _delirium tremens_,
+  Neurotic neurospasts, puppets whose wires
+  Are pulled by morbid dreams and mad desires;
+  Not men and women 'midst our world's temptations,
+  But fevered phantasy's bizarre creations.
+  Despite _Solness_ and _Mrs. Tanqueray_,
+  "People don't do these things"--except _in play_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AS IN A GLASS DARKLY.--Grubby and grovelling "Realists" boast that
+they only "hold the mirror up to Nature." Perhaps! But when their
+particular "mirror" happens to be--as it commonly is--dirty and
+distorting, Nature, like the victim of a bad looking-glass at a
+country inn, is taken at a disadvantage. There are mirrors which make
+a man look a monster, but then the monstrosity is not in the man but
+the mirror.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TIMON ON BIMETALLISM.
+
+(_Adapted from Shakspeare._)
+
+    ["He advocates bimetallism with the passionate ardour of a
+    prophet promulgating a new revelation. On most subjects he is
+    cool, analytical, _and perhaps a little cynical_; but on this
+    subject he is an enthusiast."--_The Times on Mr. Balfour's
+    Speech about Bimetallism._]
+
+_Timon of London, loquitur_:--
+
+                          The learned pate
+  Ducks to the golden fool; all is oblique;
+  There's nothing level in our currency
+  But monometallism! Gold doth lord
+  Great lands, societies, and throngs of men.
+  That the sun rounds the earth, that earth's a disc,
+  Are foolish fads that TIMON much disdains
+  As duping dull mankind. But will they rank
+  _My_ fad--Bimetallism--along with such?
+  I seek a dual standard; gold alone
+  Is a most operant poison! What is here?
+  Gold? yellow, precious, glittering gold? No, gods,
+  I am no aureate votarist. Silver seems
+  To me, and to wise WALSH, a fair twin-standard
+  Fit to set up, that variable values
+  May find stability in dual change,
+  _With_ a fixed ratio, which the world must find,
+  Or our one standard, like a pirate's flag,
+  Will lead us to disaster. Monometallism
+  Is--Monomania. This yellow slave
+  Will break, not knit, our Commerce. I can be
+  Cool, analytical, even cynical
+  On trifles--such as Separatism's sin,
+  Or County Council Crime; but this thing stirs
+  My tepid blood, e'en as Statistics warm
+  The chilly soul of GOSCHEN. Come, curst gold,
+  Thou common ore of mankind, that putt'st odds
+  Among the rout of nations, I will make thee
+  Take thy right place! Thou mak'st my heart beat quick,
+  But yet I'll bury thee: thou'lt go, strong thief,
+  Orthodox keepers of thee cannot stand
+  Against a passionate prophet's promulgation
+  Of a new economic revelation.
+  "Put up your gold!" But put up silver, too,
+  (As WALSH, and GRENFELL, and Sage CHAPLIN urge),
+  Or banded Europe--some day--shall smash up
+  Our City to financial chaos. Aye!
+  I may talk lightly about trivial things,
+  And cynically smile on twaddle's trifles,--
+  Union of hearts, optimist ecstasies,
+  Fervours, and faiths, the breeks of prisoned Pats,
+  Coercion's bondage and such bagatelles--
+  But on this Titan theme--Bimetallism--
+  TIMON is in hot earnest!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Short Way with Wasps.
+
+  A plague of wasps infests the South
+    In consequence of the hot season!--
+  Humph! Is it torrid heat and drouth
+    Deprive our Commons of cool reason?
+  A plague of wasps infests the House!
+    Its managers the matter mull, for
+  They have not (like poor HODGE) the _nous_
+    To smoke pests out with (moral) sulphur!
+  To check HAYES FISHER'S style, or TIM'S tone,
+  MELLOR tries treacle; he needs brimstone.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A LESSON.
+
+_Father_ (_on receiving Bill for Luncheon at one of our very modern
+London Restaurants_). "HALLO! WHAT!! OVER TWO GUINEAS FOR MERELY----!
+WHY, HANG IT----!"
+
+_His Son_ (_small Etonian_). "OH, WELL NEVER MIND, FATHER. IT'S A
+THING TO DO _ONCE_, AND WE WON'T DO IT AGAIN!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE STORMY PETREL.
+
+    ["This bird has long been celebrated for the manner in which
+    it passes over the waves, pattering with its webbed feet
+    and flapping its wings so as to keep itself just above the
+    surface. It thus traverses the ocean with wonderful ease, the
+    billows rolling beneath its feet and passing away under the
+    bird without in the least disturbing it."--_Wood's Popular
+    Natural History._]
+
+  Only a Petrel, I,
+  Telling the storm is nigh;
+  Fleet o'er the waves I fly,
+    When skies look stormy.
+  When things are calm and slow,
+  I 'midst Brum rocks lie low;
+  But when wild breezes blow
+    Men may look for me.
+
+  Lured from my Midland home,
+  When gales begin to roam
+  Proudly I skim the foam,
+    Flappering and pattering!
+  I with the airiest ease
+  Traverse the angriest seas
+  Round the wild Hebrides
+    Bellowing and battering.
+
+  But the wild Irish coast
+  Suits my strong flight the most.
+  Breeze-baffling wings I boast,
+    Nothing disturbs me.
+  Cool 'midst the tempest's crash,
+  Swift through the foam I dash,
+  Wind flout or lightning flash
+    Scares not, nor curbs me.
+
+  Sea-birds are silly things,
+  Squat bodies, stunted wings.
+  Where is the bard who sings
+    Penguin or puffin,
+  Grebe, guillemot, or gull?
+  Oh, the winged noodles, null,
+  In timid flocks and dull,
+    Squattin' and stuffin'!
+
+  I, like the albatross,
+  Love on the winds to toss,
+  Where gales and currents cross
+    My fodder finding.
+  Let Gulls and Boobies rest
+  Safe in a sheltered nest,
+  I'm bold the breeze to breast
+    Tamer fowl blinding.
+
+  Only a Petrel, I,
+  Calm in a calm I lie,
+  But when 'neath darkening sky
+    Strife lifteth her face,
+  When the red lightnings glare,
+  Then, from my rocky lair
+  Darting, I cleave the air,
+    Skimming sea's surface.
+
+  Some swear the storm I raise;
+  That's superstition's craze;
+  But on tempestuous days,
+    Wild, wet, and windy,
+  Herald of storm I fly.
+  Only a Petrel, I,
+  But when my form you spy,--
+    Look out for shindy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"BENEFITS FORGOT."--This is the title of a serial in _Scribners'_.
+Many over-strict persons will not read it, being under the impression
+that the story is essentially theatrical. A natural mistake. Nothing
+in an actor's life could give occasion for more bitter reflection than
+the memory of "Benefits Forgot," especially after they had been got up
+and advertised at great personal expense.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO A FINE WOMAN.
+
+(_By a Little Man._)
+
+  "Can my eyes reach thy size?"
+    Asked the Lilliputian poet,
+  As I've read. Can my head
+    Reach your shoulder? It's below it.
+
+  Women all are so tall
+    Nowadays, but you're gigantic;
+  One so vast, sweeping past,
+    Makes my five feet four feel frantic.
+
+  Each girl tries exercise,
+    Rows, rides, runs, golf, cricket, tennis,
+  Games for an Olympian--
+    Greek Olympia, not "Venice."
+
+  Stalks and shoots, climbs in boots
+    Like a navvy's not a dandy's,
+  Ice-axe takes, records breaks--
+    If not neck--on Alps or Andes.
+
+  Alps in height, girls affright
+    Men, like me, of puny figure;
+  They are too tall, but you
+    Are preposterously bigger.
+
+  At this dance, if I glance
+    Round the room, I see I'm smallest;
+  You instead are a head
+    Over girls and men, you're tallest.
+
+  As a pair, at a fair,
+    Any showman might produce us;
+  Dwarf I'd do, giant you----
+    What! They want to introduce us?
+
+  Can I whirl such a girl?
+    Calisthenics could not teach it.
+  I, effaced, clasp your waist?
+    I'll be hanged if I can reach it!
+
+[Illustration: THE STORMY PETREL!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ADVENTURES OF PICKLOCK HOLES.
+
+(_By Cunnin Toil._)
+
+No. I.--THE BISHOP'S CRIME.
+
+I was sitting alone in my room at 10.29 on the night of the 14th of
+last November. I had been doing a good deal of work lately, and I
+was tired. Moreover, I had had more than one touch of that old Afghan
+fever, which always seemed to be much more inclined to touch than to
+go. However, we can't have everything here to please us; and as I had
+only the other day attended two bankers and a Lord Mayor for measles,
+I had no real cause to complain of my prospects. I had drawn the old
+armchair in which I was sitting close to the fire, and, not having
+any bread handy, I was occupied in toasting my feet at the blaze
+when suddenly the clock on the mantelpiece struck the half hour, and
+PICKLOCK HOLES stood by my side. I was too much accustomed to his
+proceedings to express any surprise at seeing him thus, but I own
+that I was itching to ask him how he had managed to get into my house
+without ringing the bell. However, I refrained, and motioned him to a
+chair.
+
+"My friend," said this extraordinary man, without the least preface,
+"you've been smoking again. You know you have; it's not the least use
+denying it." I absolutely gasped with astonishment, and gazed at him
+almost in terror. How had he guessed my secret? He read my thoughts,
+and smiled.
+
+"Oh, simply enough. That spot on your shirt-cuff is black. But
+it might have been yellow, or green, or blue, or brown, or
+rainbow-coloured. But I know you smoke Rainbow mixture, and as your
+canary there in the corner has just gone blind, I know further that
+bird's-eye is one of the component parts of the mixture."
+
+"HOLES," I cried, dropping my old meerschaum out of my mouth in my
+amazement; "I don't believe you're a man at all--you're a devil."
+
+"Thank you for the compliment," he replied, without moving a single
+muscle of his marble face. "You ought not to sup----" He was going
+to have added "pose," but the first syllable seemed to suggest a
+new train of thought (in which, I may add, there was no second class
+whatever) to my inexplicable friend.
+
+"No," he said; "the devilled bones were not good. Don't interrupt me;
+you had devilled bones for supper, or rather you would have had them,
+only you didn't like them. Do you see that match? A small piece
+is broken off the bottom, but enough is left to show it was once
+a lucifer--in other words, a devil. It is lying at the feet of
+the skeleton which you use for your anatomical investigations, and
+therefore I naturally conclude that you had devilled bones for
+supper. You didn't eat them, _for not a single bone of the skeleton is
+missing_. Do I make myself clear?"
+
+"You do," I said, marvelling more than ever at the extraordinary
+perspicacity of the man. As a matter of fact, my supper had consisted
+of bread and cheese; but I felt that it would be in extremely bad
+taste for a struggling medical practitioner like myself to contradict
+a detective whose fame had extended to the ends of the earth. I picked
+up my pipe, and relit it, and, for a few moments, we sat in silence.
+At last I ventured to address him.
+
+"Anything new?" I said.
+
+"No, not exactly new," he said, wearily, passing his sinewy hand over
+his expressionless brow. "Have you a special _Evening Standard_? I
+conclude you have, as I see no other evening papers here. Do you mind
+handing it to me?"
+
+There was no deceiving this weird creature. I took the paper he
+mentioned from my study table, and handed it to him.
+
+"Now listen," said HOLES, and then read, in a voice devoid of any sign
+of emotion, the following paragraph:--"This morning, as Mrs.
+DRABLEY, a lady of independent means, was walking in Piccadilly, she
+inadvertently stepped on a piece of orange-peel, and fell heavily
+on the pavement. She was carried into the shop of Messrs. SALVER AND
+TANKARD, the well-known silversmiths, and it was at first thought she
+had broken her right leg. However, on being examined by a medical man
+who happened to be passing, she was pronounced to be suffering
+from nothing worse than a severe bruise, and, in the course of
+half-an-hour, she recovered sufficiently to be able to proceed on her
+business. This is the fifth accident caused by orange-peel at the same
+place within the last week."
+
+[Illustration: "The Bishop was in his night-gown, and the sight of two
+strangers visibly alarmed him."]
+
+"It _is_ scandalous!" I broke in. "This mania for dropping orange-peel
+is decimating London. Curiously enough I happen to be the medical man
+who----"
+
+"Yes, I know; you are the medical man who was passing."
+
+"HOLES," I ejaculated, "you are a magician."
+
+"No, not a magician; only a humble seeker after truth, who uses as a
+basis for his deduction some slight point that others are too blind
+to grasp. Now you think the matter ends there. I don't. I mean to
+discover who dropped that orange-peel. Will you help me?"
+
+"Of course I will, but how do you mean to proceed? There must be
+thousands of people who eat oranges every day in London."
+
+"Be accurate, my dear fellow, whatever you do. There are 78,965, not
+counting girls. But this piece was not dropped by a girl."
+
+"How do you know?" I asked.
+
+"Never mind; it is sufficient that I do know it. Read this," he
+continued, pointing to another column of the paper. This is what I
+read:--
+
+"MISSIONARY ENTERPRISE.--A great conference of American and Colonial
+Bishops was held in Exeter Hall this afternoon. The proceedings opened
+with an impassioned speech from the Bishop of FLORIDA----"
+
+"Never mind the rest," said HOLES, "that's quite enough. Now read
+this":--
+
+"The magnificent silver bowl to be presented to the Bishop of Florida
+by some of his English friends is now on view at Messrs. SALVER
+AND TANKARD'S in Piccadilly. It is a noble specimen of the British
+silversmith's art." An elaborate description followed.
+
+"These paragraphs," continued HOLES, in his usual impassive manner,
+"give me the clue I want. Florida is an orange-growing country. Let us
+call on the Bishop."
+
+In a moment we had put on our hats, and in another moment we were in
+a Hansom on our way to the Bishop's lodgings in Church Street, Soho.
+HOLES gained admittance by means of his skeleton key. We passed
+noiselessly up the stairs, and, without knocking, entered the Bishop's
+bedroom. He was in his night-gown, and the sight of two strangers
+visibly alarmed him.
+
+"I am a detective," began HOLES.
+
+"Oh," said the Bishop, turning pale. "Then I presume you have called
+about that curate who disappeared in an alligator swamp close to my
+episcopal palace in Florida. It is not true that I killed him. He----"
+
+"Tush," said HOLES, "we are come about weightier matters. This morning
+at half-past eleven your lordship was standing outside the shop of
+SALVER AND TANKARD looking at your presentation bowl. You were eating
+an orange. You stowed the greater part of the peel in your coat-tail
+pocket, but you dropped, maliciously dropped, one piece on the
+pavement. Shortly afterwards a stout lady passing by trod on it and
+fell. Have you anything to say?"
+
+The Bishop made a movement, but HOLES was before-hand with him. He
+dashed to a long black coat that hung behind the door, inserted his
+hand deftly in the pocket, and pulled out the fragmentary remains of a
+large Florida orange.
+
+"As I supposed," he said, "a piece is missing."
+
+But the miserable prelate had fallen senseless on the floor, where we
+left him.
+
+"HOLES," I said, "this is one of your very best. How on earth did you
+know you would find that orange-peel in his coat?"
+
+"I didn't find it there," replied my friend; "I brought it with me,
+and had it in my hand when I put it in his pocket. I knew I should
+have to use strong measures with so desperate a character. My dear
+fellow, all these matters require tact and imagination."
+
+And that was how we brought home the orange-peel to the Bishop.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Ben Trovato.
+
+  A penny-a-liner heard--with a not unnatural choler--
+    That he of all invention was apparently bereft;
+  And so he up and told them that a smart left-handed bowler,
+    "Manipulates the leather with the left!"
+  That's very chaste and novel, and alliterative too;
+  As a sham Swinburnian poet we should think that man might do!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EDUCATED.
+
+(_From a Yorkshire Moor._)
+
+_Keeper (to the Captain, who has missed again, and is letting off
+steam in consequence)._ "OH DEAR! OH DEAR! IT'S HAWFUL TO SEE YER
+MISSIN' OF 'EM, SIR; BUT"--(_with admiration_)--"YE'RE A SCHOLARD I'
+LANGWIDGE, SIR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CRICKET CONGRATULATIONS.
+
+  843! Well done! Well played! Well hit!
+  It opens _Mr. Punch's_ eyes a bit
+  To see our friends of the Antipodes
+  Pile up their hundreds with the utmost ease.
+  BRUCE leads the way, and shows Blues--Dark and Light--
+  Left-handed men may play the game aright.
+  Then BANNERMAN, safe as a GUNN is he,
+  Exceeds the Century by thirty-three,
+  While five more than a hundred runs are due
+  To TRUMBLE, whom his friends call simply "HUGH."
+  Well played, Australia! Banks may fail--they do,
+  And, truth to tell, you _have_ lost one or two,
+  But this at any rate's a clear deduction--
+  Your Cricket Team can need no reconstruction!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, July 31._--No one who chanced last
+Thursday to see HAYES FISHER and LOGAN engaged in controversy on
+Front Opposition Bench would suspect them of essentially retiring
+disposition. This conclusively proved to-night. Decided on further
+consideration that something must really be done in direction of
+modifying effects of Thursday's riot. Someone must apologise. This
+put to HAYES FISHER, who delighted WALROND with swiftness, even
+enthusiasm, of acquiescence.
+
+"Right you are, dear boy," he cried. "I have thought so from the
+first. Indeed I have publicly placed the matter in its true light.
+Daresay you read my little affidavit written within an hour of what
+I quite agree with the SPEAKER in alluding to as 'the regrettable
+incident.' Here's what I said: 'To put a stop to his (LOGAN'S)
+aggressive conduct, I immediately seized him by the neck and forcibly
+ejected him on to the floor of the House. That began the scrimmage.'
+Then I go on to point the moral, though indeed it points itself.
+This is where you and I particularly agree. 'In my opinion the
+responsibility for the discreditable scene rests even more with Mr.
+GLADSTONE than with Mr. LOGAN.' Yes, WALROND, you are quite right in
+what you are about to say. I have shown clearly that Mr. G. was at the
+bottom of the whole business, and he should apologise. Don't you think
+he'd better be brought in at the Bar? And if he spent a night or two
+in the Clock Tower it would have most wholesome effect, vindicate
+dignity of House, and prevent recurrence of these regrettable scenes."
+
+WALROND'S face a study, whilst HAYES FISHER, carried away by
+enthusiasm of moment, rubbed his hands and smiled in anticipation of
+the scene.
+
+The Opposition Whip had tough job in hand. To FISHER'S logical mind
+the proposal that _he_ should apologise was a _non sequitur_. Why,
+what had he done? As he told House later, seeing LOGAN come up and
+sit down on bench below him, he thought he was going to strike him.
+Natural attitude for a man meaning to let out straight from the
+shoulder at another is to sit down with back turned towards intended
+victim. FISHER'S quick intelligence taking whole situation in at
+glance, he promptly proceeded to take in as much as his hands would
+hold of the back of LOGAN'S neck, with intent to thrust him forth.
+That, as he wrote, "began the scrimmage." In other words, Mr.
+GLADSTONE was responsible for the whole business, even more so than
+LOGAN, who had wantonly brought the back of his neck within reach of
+FISHER'S hand.
+
+However, there were reasons of State why the guilty should go
+unpunished. Not the first time Innocency has been sacrificed that
+Guilt might stalk through the land unfettered. FISHER would apologise;
+but here again the untameably logical mind asserted itself. LOGAN must
+apologise first. It was he who had been forcibly ejected. On Thursday
+night FISHER had come up behind him; _argal_, he must follow him
+now. Thus it was settled, or so understood. But when critical moment
+arrived, House waiting for someone to speak, hitch occurred. FISHER
+waited for LOGAN; LOGAN, in excess of politeness, hung back. Awkward
+pause. SPEAKER observed he had certainly understood something might be
+said by the two gentlemen. Another pause. LOGAN and FISHER eyed each
+other across the floor.
+
+  Lord CHATHAM, with his sword drawn,
+  Stood waiting for Sir RICHARD STRACHAN;
+  Sir RICHARD, longing to be at 'em,
+  Stood waiting for the Earl of CHATHAM.
+
+[Illustration: "THE HAPPY FAMILY."
+
+(_By Our Artist in Fret-Work._)]
+
+At length PRINCE ARTHUR interposed; gently, but firmly, drew the coy
+FISHER to the front. His apology followed by one from the lingering
+LOGAN. Scene ended amid mutual tears.
+
+"Yes, it's all very well," said FISHER, wringing his
+pocket-handkerchief and glaring angrily at Mr. G. "But, after all, the
+real criminal has escaped, and logic, as applicable to events of daily
+life, has received a staggering blow."
+
+_Business done._--ACLAND explained English Education Estimates in
+speech admirable alike in matter and manner.
+
+[Illustration: Another Injustice to Ireland.]
+
+_Tuesday._--Some men are born to trouble as the sparks fly upwards.
+Of these is WILLIAM O'BRIEN. It would seem that fate had expended its
+malignity when PRINCE ARTHUR deprived him of his breeches. Now JOSEPH
+has appropriated his dinner-table. The lynx eye of BARTLEY detected
+the irregularity which disclosed existence of this fresh outrage.
+BARTLEY favourably known in House as guardian of its honour and
+dignity. From time to time spirit moves him suddenly to rise and point
+fat forefinger at astonished Mr. G., whom he has discovered in
+some fresh design upon stability of the Empire or symmetry of the
+Constitution. At stated hours, formerly on Thursdays ten o'clock now
+generally on stroke of midnight, he is seen and heard shouting "Gag!
+gag!"
+
+"Odd," says Member for Sark, "how phrases change in similar
+circumstances though at different epochs. When Closure first invented,
+put in motion by dear OLD MORALITY, and supported by BARTLEY, HANBURY,
+JIMMY LOWTHER, and the rest, it used to be spoken resentfully of
+as 'pouncing.' Now it is 'gagging.' But it is precisely the same,
+inasmuch as the minority of the day, against whom it is enforced,
+denounce it as iniquitous, whilst the majority, who took that view
+when they were on other side of House, now regard it as indispensable
+to conduct of public business. BARTLEY having lived through both
+epochs is useful illustration of this tendency. When OLD MORALITY
+pounced on Irish members his lusty shout of approval used to echo
+through House with only less volume than now his roar of anguish goes
+up to glass roof when OLD MORALITY'S original thumbscrews are fitted
+on him and his friends. A quaint, mad world, my TOBY."
+
+To-night BARTLEY not so well-informed on subject as usual. Thought
+it was JOHN DILLON, who, acting the part of AMPHITRYON, piloted his
+guests within preserves of members' private dining-room. Turned out it
+wasn't DILLON at all, but WILLIAM O'BRIEN, who in most tragic manner
+tells how, having secured in advance a table for his guests, found
+when the dinner-hour struck JOSEPH and his Brethren seated thereat,
+merrily profiting by his forethought. Straightway O'BRIEN led his
+guests to the table in members' room which Unionist Leaders have
+marked for their own. This he appropriated, and there, regardless of
+surprised looks from ex-ministers at adjoining table, he truculently
+dined.
+
+"Well, at any rate," said TIM HEALY, that Man of Peace, "I'm glad it
+wasn't mere English or Orangemen who were thus treated. If JOSEPH had
+appropriated SAUNDERSON'S table, the Colonel would have taken him in
+his arms, dropped him outside on the Terrace, and, returning to his
+seat, ordered a fresh plate of soup." _Business done._--BARTLEY adds
+fresh dignity to Parliamentary debate.
+
+_Thursday._--Was it this day week the House was in volcanic upheaval,
+with HAYES FISHER--or was it Mr. GLADSTONE?--clutching LOGAN by
+the back of the neck, a mad mob mauling each other round the white
+waistcoat of EDWARD OF ARMAGH? According to the almanack this is so;
+according to appearances an eternity and a hemisphere divide the two
+scenes.
+
+In Committee on Vote on Account; average attendance from twenty to
+thirty. Orders bristle with amendments; papers read in support
+of them; occasionally a Member follows with observations on topic
+suggested; sometimes he doesn't; then next gentleman who has prepared
+paper takes the floor; the audience turns over; goes to sleep again;
+wakened by Chairman putting question "that Amendment be withdrawn."
+Isn't even vigour sufficient to induce a division.
+
+Only person free from somnolent influence of hour is Mr. G. Has
+nothing to do in this galley; looks on wistfully whilst LOWTHER
+(not JIMMY) talks about Vitu and the Pamirs; JIMMY (_lui meme_) is
+sarcastic on subject of Board of Trade engaging in experiments
+in journalism; and DICKY TEMPLE wants to know all about reported
+modifications in constitution of St. Paul's School by the Charity
+Commissioners. Mr. G. liked to have offered few remarks on one or all
+these subjects. TOMMY BOWLES nearly succeeded in drawing him. Dropping
+lightly out of Siam, _via_ Morocco, upon question of Collisions at
+Sea, TOMMY brought MUNDELLA into full focus and fairly floored him
+with a problem.
+
+"Suppose," he said, "the right hon. gentleman were at sea, and the
+whole fleet bore down upon him on the weather bow. What would he do?"
+
+MUNDELLA nonplussed. Mr. G. knew all about it; would have answered
+right off and probably silenced even TOMMY with proposition of counter
+man[oe]uvre. But MARJORIBANKS kept relentless eye on him. Vote on
+Account must be got through Committee to-night. The less speaking
+the better; so with profound sigh Mr. G. resisted the temptation
+and composed himself to listen to LENG'S paper on the prohibition
+of importation of live cattle from Canada. Here was opportunity of
+learning something which Mr. G. gratefully welcomed. Gradually, as
+the new knight went on reading extract after extract in level voice,
+remorselessly deliberate, Mr. G.'s eyes closed, his head drooped, and
+in full view of the crowded Strangers' Gallery he fell into peaceful,
+childlike slumber.
+
+_Business done._--Vote on Account passed Committee.
+
+[Illustration: Reading the G. O. M. to sleep.]
+
+_Friday._--Morning sitting devoted to miscellaneous talk around
+Ireland. Evening, a long STOREY about iniquities of House of Lords.
+The evening and the morning a dull day. Had time to look over Mr. G.'s
+letter about retention of Irish Members. "What do you think of it?" I
+asked the Member for Sark. "Haven't read it," he said. "When I saw
+it was a column long, I knew Mr. G. didn't want to say anything
+that would be understood. When he does, a few lines suffice; when he
+doesn't, nothing less than a column of print will serve."
+
+_Business done._--Vote on Account through Report Stage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FRANCE AND SIAM.--The situation at Bangkok will probably result in
+further Develle-opments.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+Page 64: 'barometre' corrected to 'barometre'. "Le barometre--Beau
+fixe!"
+
+Page 65: 'Jung Frau' ... the author may have had something else in
+mind, besides the mountain (Jungfrau)?
+
+"_Interlachen._ Remember the Jung Frau and forget the tourists."
+
+Page 69: 'measeles' corrected to 'measles'. "attended two bankers and
+a Lord Mayor for measles,"
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+105, August 12th 1893, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
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