diff options
Diffstat (limited to '36140.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 36140.txt | 1661 |
1 files changed, 1661 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/36140.txt b/36140.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d2f19ed --- /dev/null +++ b/36140.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1661 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105, +August 12th 1893, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105, August 12th 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: May 19, 2011 [EBook #36140] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOLUME 105, August 12th 1893 + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + + + +THE CLOSURE AT HOME. + +Paterfamilias entered the drawing-room at ten minutes to six o'clock, +and found the family still undecided. There was a pause in the +conversation when he made his appearance. + +"Where are we to go?" he asked, taking out his watch. "You have been +quarrelling for the last week, and I have given you till this hour. So +get through your amendments as fast as you can." + +"I prefer Paris," said Materfamilias, "and I am supported by all the +girls. We are decidedly in a majority." + +"Paris is simply awful at the end of July!" cried the eldest son. +"Give you my word, mother, the place is impossible." + +"Venice would certainly be better," said his younger brother. +"Charming place, and you get a very decent _table d'hote_ at +DANIELI'S." + +"Oh, Venice is too dreadful just now!" exclaimed Aunt MATILDA. "If +_we_ are to go with you, we certainly can't travel there. Besides, +there's the cholera all over the Continent. Now Oban would be nice." + +"Are you speaking seriously?" asked Cousin JANE. "Scotland never +agrees with me, but Cairo would be perfect." + +"Do you think so, my dear girl?" put in Uncle JOHN. "I fancy you +are making a mistake. Egypt is very well in the winter, but it +is fearfully hot in August. Now they tell me Killarney is simply +delightful at this season." + +"Ireland! No, thank you!" exclaimed REGINALD. "We have had enough of +Home Rule on this side of the Channel to go across to find it on the +other. No; give me Spain, or even Russia." + +The hands of the clock were close upon the hour, but still there was a +minute or so to spare. + +"Russia indeed!" snapped out PRISCILLA. "Who ever would go to Russia? +But people do tell me that Chicago is well worth seeing, and----" + +At this moment the clock struck six. + +"Time's up," cried Paterfamilias. "We will all go to Herne Bay." + +And they did. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE TEST OF TRUE GENIUS. + +_Pictor Ignotus Number One._ "YES; I RATHER FLATTER MYSELF THERE ARE +PRECIOUS FEW OF MY CONTEMPORARIES WHO CARE ABOUT _MY_ WORK!" + +_Pictor Ignotus Number Two_ (_not to be beaten_). "BY JOVE! I RATHER +FLATTER MYSELF I'VE GOT THE PULL OF YOU _THERE_, OLD MAN! WHY, THERE'S +_NOBODY_ CARES ABOUT _MINE_!"] + + * * * * * + +The New Atomic Theory. + +(_According to the New Journalism_). + + Mankind are debtors to two mighty creditors, + Omniscient Science, and infallible Editors. + Nature is summed in principles and particles; + The moral world in Laws and Leading Articles! + + * * * * * + +CRICKET ACROSS THE CHANNEL. + +[Illustration] + +We believe that our lively neighbours, the French, having seen that +there is a chance of some alteration being made in the rules of +cricket in England, have determined to suggest some changes on their +own account. We give the first list of proposals:-- + +1. The ball in future is to be made of india-rubber. + +2. Armour to be allowed to the striker, so as to prevent accidents +from the ball. + +3. The umpires to be henceforth experienced surgeons, so that their +medical services may be available for the wounded. + +4. Camp-stools to be permitted to the long-stop, and other hard-worked +members of the field. + +5. Fielders expected to run after a rapidly-driven ball, to be allowed +to follow the object on bicycles. + +6. The wicket-keeper to have a small portable fortress in front of him +to keep him out of danger. + +7. The bats to be made of the same materials as those used in +lawn-tennis. + +8. The game to commence with the "luncheon interval," to be employed +in discussing a _dejeuner a la fourchette_. + +9. The uniform of the cricketer in future to consist of a horn, a +hunting-knife, jockey-cap and fishing-boots, in fact the costume of +the earliest French exponent of the game. + +10. The outside to have the right to declare the game closed when +fatigued. + +11. A band of music to be engaged to play a popular programme. A +flourish of trumpets to announce the triumph of the striker when he +succeeds in hitting the ball. + +12. Those who take part in the great game to be decorated with a +medal. All future matches to be commemorated with clasps, to denote +the player's bravery. + +Should these reforms be adopted by the M. C. C., there seems little +doubt that the national game of England will receive a fresh lease of +popularity in the land that faces Albion. + + * * * * * + +THE LATEST CRISIS. + + [Mr. BARTLEY protested in the House of Commons against Mr. W. + O'BRIEN'S conduct in dining in the House with strangers at + a table reserved for Members. Mr. O'BRIEN explained that Mr. + AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN had taken a table which he (Mr. + O'BRIEN) had previously reserved. The question is under the + consideration of the Kitchen Committee.] + + A crisis! A crisis! The man is a fool + Who desires at this moment to talk of Home Rule. + Though we know that in Egypt a something is rotten, + The intrigues of young ABBAS are straightway forgotten; + And we think just as much of the woes of Siam + As we care for that coin of small value--a _dam_. + For a crisis has come, and the House is unable + To detach its attention from questions of table. + Their tongues and their brains all the Members exhaust in + Discussing the rights of O'BRIEN and AUSTEN. + They debate in an access of anger and gloom + As to who took from which what was kept, and for whom. + The letters they wrote, the retorts they made tartly + Are detailed--gracious Powers preserve us--by BARTLEY, + Who can bend--only statesmen are formed for such feats-- + His mind, which is massive, to questions of seats, + And discuss with a zest which is equal to TANNER'S, + The absorbing details of a matter of manners. + Mr. BARTLEY you like to be heard than to hear + Far more, but, forgive me, a word in your ear. + Though we greatly rejoice when all records are cut + By your steam-hammer mind in thus smashing a nut, + Yet we think it were well if the Kitchen could settle + In private this question of pot _versus_ kettle. + And in future, when dog-like men fight for a bone, + Take a hint, Mr. BARTLEY, and leave them alone. + + * * * * * + +LATEST FROM THE NATIONAL BOXING SALOON (_with the kind regards of the_ +SPEAKER).--"The nose has it, and so have the eyes!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SAINT IZAAK AND HIS VOTARIES. + +_Mr. Punch's Tercentenary Tribute to the Author of "The Compleat +Angler."_ + + [August 9th this year is the 300th anniversary of the birth, + in the ancient house at Stafford, of IZAAK WALTON.] +] + + Good IZAAK of the diction quaint, + The calendar holds many a fellow + Less worthy to be dubbed a saint + (For gentle heart and wisdom mellow) + Than thou, the Angler's genial guide + By wandering brook and river wide. + + "I care not, I, to fish in seas," + So chirped WILL BASSE, thy favourite singer, + "Fresh rivers best my mind do please." + Bard-loving quoter, brave back-bringer + Of England's pastoral scenes and songs, + All England's praise to thee belongs. + + Thy Book bewitches more than those + Who are sworn "Brothers of the Angle." + Scents of fresh pastures, wilding rose, + All trailing flowers that intertangle + In England's hedgerows, seem to fill + Its pages and our pulses thrill. + + We see the stretch "up Totnam Hil," + Toward the "Thatcht House" that fresh May morning; + We hear VIATOR praise the skill + That he was first inclined to scorning; + We mark the Master's friendly proffer + Change him to votary from scoffer. + + Those "many grave and serious men," + He chid as "men of sowr complexions," + If they resist his graphic pen, + His pastorals sweet, his quaint reflections, + Must have indeed mere souls of earth, + To beauty blind, untuned to mirth. + + The "poor-rich-men" he pitied so + All Anglers, and wise hearts, must pity. + His song's queer "trollie lollie loe," + Sounds cheerily as the blackbird's ditty, + To men in populous city pent, + Who know the Angler's calm content. + + And even those who know it not, + Nor care--poor innocents!--to know it, + Whom ne'er the Fisher's favoured lot + Has thrilled as sportsman, fired as poet, + May love to turn the leaves, and halt on + The quaint conceits of honest WALTON. + + The man whose only "quill" 's a pen, + Who keeps no rod and tackle handy, + May hear thy "merry river" when + "It bubbles, dances, and grows sandy." + May sit beneath thy beech, and wish + To catch thy voice, if not thy fish: + + May love to sit or stroll with thee, + Amidst the grassy water-meadows; + The culverkeys and cowslips see, + Dancing in summer's lights and shadows; + And watch yon youngster gathering stocks + Of lilies and of lady-smocks: + + To hear thy milkmaid, MAUDLIN, troll + Choice morsels from KIT MARLOW sweetly; + And MAUDLIN'S mother,--honest soul, + Whose "golden age" has fled so fleetly!-- + Respond with RALEIGH'S answering rhyme + Of wisdom past its active prime: + + To take a draught of sound old ale-- + What tipple wholesomer or sweeter?-- + At the old ale-house in the vale, + With CORYDON and brother PETER; + And share the "Musick"'s mellow bout, + As they at supper shared the trout. + + Then to that cleanly room and sweet-- + After a gay good night to all-- + Lavender scent about the sheet, + And "ballads stuck about the wall," + And fall on sleep devoid of sorrow, + With fair dreams filled of sport to-morrow. + + What wonder WALTON'S work has charmed + Three centuries? That his bait has captured + The grey recluse, the boy switch-armed, + The sage, the statesman, bard enraptured, + Gay girl--are fish her only spoil?-- + And grave Thames-haunting son of toil! + + Thy votaries, good Saint IZAAK, are + "All who love _quietnesse_, and _vertue_." + Is there on whom such praises jar? + Well, join for once--it scarce can hurt you-- + In _Punch's_ Tribute; fortune wishing + To gentle souls who "go a-fishing!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GUESSES AT TRUTH. + +_Mr. Laidislaw._ "HANDSOME WOMAN OUR HOSTESS--DON'T YOU THINK? BY THE +BYE, WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE HER AGE IS?" + +_Miss St. Cyr._ "WELL, I SHOULD FANCY, WHAT THE ILLUSTRATED +BIOGRAPHIES CALL 'PRESENT DAY!'"] + + * * * * * + +"HERE'S TO THE CLIENT." + + Here's to the client who makes his own will, + And here's to his friends who dispute it; + Here's to the case which is drawn up with skill, + And the time that it takes to refute it. + + Here's to the felon whose crimes are a score, + And here's to the wretch with but one, Sirs; + Fraudulent trustees, directors galore, + And the various things that they've done, Sirs. + + Here's to the costs which will mount up apace, + When the action comes on for a hearing, + "Retainers," "refreshers," and all of their race, + Which they lavish on us for appearing. + + Here's to the Law, with its hand just and strong, + Which has grown from the earliest ages; + And here's to this lay, which we hope's not too long + For _Punch_ to put into his pages. + + * * * * * + +NEW VERSION OF AN OLD SAYING (_adapted for exclusive swells who cannot +enjoy even a Sport when it becomes "so common, don't-cha!"_).--What is +Everybody's pleasure is Nobody's pleasure! + + * * * * * + +TO A SWISS BAROMETER. + + Oh, optimistic instrument, + No other ever seeks + To raise one's hopes--benevolent + You always show _Beau fixe_! + + Though meteorologic swells + Predict wet days for weeks, + Your well-intentioned pointer tells + Of nothing but _Beau fixe_. + + How sweet, when in the dewy morn-- + So dewy!--up the peaks + We start through drizzle all forlorn, + To read again _Beau fixe_. + + It makes us think of sunny lands, + Where weather has no freaks, + To see, they're always so, your hands + Both point to that _Beau fixe_. + + And though we're sodden to the skin, + Through coat and vest and breeks, + You did not mean to take us in + In spite of your _Beau fixe_. + + We tramp, expecting soon to see + In that grey sky some streaks; + Ah no, it's fixed as fixed can be, + As fixed as your _Beau fixe_. + + No matter, we get used to rain, + And mop our streaming cheeks, + Quite sure, when we get home again, + You cannot say _Beau fixe_. + + At last, all soaked, we stagger in-- + One's clothing simply leaks-- + And still you say, through thick and thin, + Unchangeably _Beau fixe_. + + We change, although you don't; no thread + Is dry on us; small creeks + Form where we stand, all drenched from head + To foot. Blow your _Beau fixe_! + + This beastly weather might have riled + The philosophic Greeks; + It makes us simple Britons wild, + Combined with your _Beau fixe_. + + We tell the landlord we must go-- + Poor man, he rather piques + Himself upon the weather, so + Incessantly _Beau fixe_. + + "_Ah, non, ca va changer ce soir!_" + Thus hopefully he speaks, + "_Si Monsieur voulait bien voir + Le barometre--Beau fixe!_" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN AUTHORITY ON THE THEORY AND PRACTICE OF THE "BUFFER +STATE"!!] + + * * * * * + +Adapted. + +(_To the Unionist Needs of the Moment._) + + Other men have many faults, + Mr. GLADSTONE has but two; + There's nothing wise that he can say, + and nothing right that he can do. + + * * * * * + +In a recent case, Mr. LANE, the magistrate, is reported to have +informed an inquiring husband, "If your wife turns you out she is not +bound to find you a home; but if _you_ turn your wife out you _are_ +bound to find _her_ a home." This suggests a new Charity, "The Home +for Turned-out Wives." These ladies would be seen driving out in +well-appointed traps, and gain a new status in Society as being +"uncommonly well-turned-out" wives. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER SCENE AT THE PLAY. + +(_That never should be tolerated._) + +SCENE--_Auditorium of a Fashionable Theatre. Vast majority of the +audience deeply interested in the action and dialogue of an excellent +piece. Enter a party of Lady Emptyheads into a Private Box._ + +_First Emptyhead (taking off her wraps)._ I told you there was no +necessity to hurry away from dinner. You see they are getting on very +well without us. + +_Second Empt. (seating herself in front of the box)._ Yes. And it's so +much pleasanter to chat than to listen. This piece, they tell me, is +full of clever dialogue--so satisfactory to people who like that sort +of thing. + +_Third Empt. (looking round the house with an opera-glass)._ Why +scarcely a soul in the place we know. Well, I suppose everybody is +leaving town. Stay, is that Mrs. EVERGREEN TOFFY? + +_Fourth Empt. (also using her glasses)._ Why, yes. I wish we could +make her see us. + +_First Empt._ Haven't you noticed that you never can attract attention +when you want to? Isn't it provoking? + +_Second Empt._ Oh, terribly; and there is Captain DASHALONG. Why, I +thought he was at Aldershot. + +_Third Empt._ Oh, they always give them leave about this time of the +year. + +_Rest of Audience (sternly)._ Hush! S-s-s-h-s-h! + +_Fourth Empt._ I wonder what's the piece about. + +_Third Empt._ Oh, it doesn't in the least matter. Sure to be +sparkling. Do you like that woman's hair? + +_Fourth Empt._ Scarcely. It's the wrong shade. How can people make +such frights of themselves! + +_First Empt._ I wonder if this is the Second Act, or the First! + +_Third Empt._ What does it matter! I never worry about a piece, for I +know I shall see all about it afterwards in the papers. + +_Rest of Audience (with increased sternness)._ Hush! S-s-s-h-s-h! + +_Second Empt._ I always come to this theatre because the chairs are +comfortable. What is the good of going to the play unless you can +enjoy yourself? + +_Third Empt._ Quite so. And it's much better fun without one's +husband, isn't it? + +_First Empt._ Of course. I never bring mine, because he always goes to +sleep! So disrespectful to the actresses and actors! + +_Second Empt._ Yes. Of course, one ought to listen to what's going on, +even if you don't care what it's all about. + +_Fourth Empt._ Quite so. Not that it isn't pleasant to look round the +house. + +_Rest of Audience (angrier than ever)._ Hush! S-s-s-h-s-h! + +_Third Empt._ Yes, I often think that this side of the curtain is +quite as amusing as the other. + +_Fourth Empt._ I wonder what they are doing on the stage? Oh, I see +that the Act is nearly over! Well, I daresay it has been very amusing. + +_Rest of Audience (furious)._ Hush! Hush! Hush! + +_First Empt._ There descends the curtain! By the way, what a noise +those people in the pit have been making! I wonder what it was all +about? + +_Second Empt._ I haven't the faintest notion. However, when the +play begins again, I hope they won't make any more noise. It is so +disrespectful to the Audience. + +_First Empt._ And the Company. Why can't people behave themselves in a +theatre? + +_Second, Third, and Fourth Empt. (in chorus)._ Ah yes! Why can't they? + +[_Scene closes in upon a renewal of chatter upon the raising of the +Curtain on another Act._ + + * * * * * + +"GIVE A _DAY_ A BAD NAME AND----."--It is stated that the day of the +disgraceful Donnybrook in the House of Commons has been nicknamed +"Collar Day," because Mr. HAYES FISHER seized Mr. LOGAN by the collar, +and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN "collared" Mr. O'BRIEN'S table in the dining-room. +This is all very well in its way, but would not "_Choler_ Day" be more +appropriate and intelligible? + + * * * * * + +A DREAM-BOOK + +_For Would-be Travellers._ + +If you dream of-- + +_Antwerp._ Remember the Reubens and forget the passage over. + +_Boulogne._ Remember the Casino and forget the Port. + +_Calais._ Remember the Restaurant at the station and forget the dull +surroundings. + +_Dieppe._ Remember the Plage and forget the occasional gales. + +_Etretat._ Remember the sands and forget the prices. + +_Florence._ Remember the pictures and forget the heat. + +_Geneva._ Remember the lake and forget the city. + +_Heidelberg._ Remember the castle and forget the climbing. + +_Interlachen._ Remember the Jung Frau and forget the tourists. + +_Japan._ Remember the interesting associations and forget the length +of the journey. + +_Lisburn._ Remember that it is little known and forget that it is not +worth seeing. + +_Madrid._ Remember that you can get there in two days and forget that +you will regret the time you spend upon the trip. + +_Naples._ Remember that you should see the Bay and forget that you are +expected to die immediately afterwards. + +_Paris._ Remember that it is always pleasant and forget that the +exception is during August. + +_Quebec._ Remember it's in Canada and forget that it's the least +pleasing place in America. + +_Rome._ Remember its objects of interest and forget its fever. + +_Strasbourg._ Remember that it has a Cathedral and forget that the +clock is a fraud. + +_Turin._ Remember that it might be quite worth the journey and forget +that it isn't. + +_Venice._ Remember its canals and forget its odours. + +_Vichy._ Remember that there is a good hotel and forget that you have +been there a dozen times before. + +_Wiesbaden._ Remember the glories of its past and forget the sadness +of its present. + +_Zurich._ Remember that it is completely abroad and forget that +there's no place like home. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GOOD RESOLUTIONS. + +_Blenkinsop (on a Friend's Yacht) soliloquises._ "I KNOW ONE THING, +IF EVER I'M RICH ENOUGH TO KEEP A YACHT, I SHALL SPEND THE MONEY IN +HORSES."] + + * * * * * + +ONLY THEIR PLAY! + + Abnormal natures, morbid motives! Yes! + These things, upon the stage, perhaps impress. + Monstrosities, not true men's hearts, nor women's. + Trolls, with a touch of the _delirium tremens_, + Neurotic neurospasts, puppets whose wires + Are pulled by morbid dreams and mad desires; + Not men and women 'midst our world's temptations, + But fevered phantasy's bizarre creations. + Despite _Solness_ and _Mrs. Tanqueray_, + "People don't do these things"--except _in play_! + + * * * * * + +AS IN A GLASS DARKLY.--Grubby and grovelling "Realists" boast that +they only "hold the mirror up to Nature." Perhaps! But when their +particular "mirror" happens to be--as it commonly is--dirty and +distorting, Nature, like the victim of a bad looking-glass at a +country inn, is taken at a disadvantage. There are mirrors which make +a man look a monster, but then the monstrosity is not in the man but +the mirror. + + * * * * * + +TIMON ON BIMETALLISM. + +(_Adapted from Shakspeare._) + + ["He advocates bimetallism with the passionate ardour of a + prophet promulgating a new revelation. On most subjects he is + cool, analytical, _and perhaps a little cynical_; but on this + subject he is an enthusiast."--_The Times on Mr. Balfour's + Speech about Bimetallism._] + +_Timon of London, loquitur_:-- + + The learned pate + Ducks to the golden fool; all is oblique; + There's nothing level in our currency + But monometallism! Gold doth lord + Great lands, societies, and throngs of men. + That the sun rounds the earth, that earth's a disc, + Are foolish fads that TIMON much disdains + As duping dull mankind. But will they rank + _My_ fad--Bimetallism--along with such? + I seek a dual standard; gold alone + Is a most operant poison! What is here? + Gold? yellow, precious, glittering gold? No, gods, + I am no aureate votarist. Silver seems + To me, and to wise WALSH, a fair twin-standard + Fit to set up, that variable values + May find stability in dual change, + _With_ a fixed ratio, which the world must find, + Or our one standard, like a pirate's flag, + Will lead us to disaster. Monometallism + Is--Monomania. This yellow slave + Will break, not knit, our Commerce. I can be + Cool, analytical, even cynical + On trifles--such as Separatism's sin, + Or County Council Crime; but this thing stirs + My tepid blood, e'en as Statistics warm + The chilly soul of GOSCHEN. Come, curst gold, + Thou common ore of mankind, that putt'st odds + Among the rout of nations, I will make thee + Take thy right place! Thou mak'st my heart beat quick, + But yet I'll bury thee: thou'lt go, strong thief, + Orthodox keepers of thee cannot stand + Against a passionate prophet's promulgation + Of a new economic revelation. + "Put up your gold!" But put up silver, too, + (As WALSH, and GRENFELL, and Sage CHAPLIN urge), + Or banded Europe--some day--shall smash up + Our City to financial chaos. Aye! + I may talk lightly about trivial things, + And cynically smile on twaddle's trifles,-- + Union of hearts, optimist ecstasies, + Fervours, and faiths, the breeks of prisoned Pats, + Coercion's bondage and such bagatelles-- + But on this Titan theme--Bimetallism-- + TIMON is in hot earnest! + + * * * * * + +A Short Way with Wasps. + + A plague of wasps infests the South + In consequence of the hot season!-- + Humph! Is it torrid heat and drouth + Deprive our Commons of cool reason? + A plague of wasps infests the House! + Its managers the matter mull, for + They have not (like poor HODGE) the _nous_ + To smoke pests out with (moral) sulphur! + To check HAYES FISHER'S style, or TIM'S tone, + MELLOR tries treacle; he needs brimstone. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A LESSON. + +_Father_ (_on receiving Bill for Luncheon at one of our very modern +London Restaurants_). "HALLO! WHAT!! OVER TWO GUINEAS FOR MERELY----! +WHY, HANG IT----!" + +_His Son_ (_small Etonian_). "OH, WELL NEVER MIND, FATHER. IT'S A +THING TO DO _ONCE_, AND WE WON'T DO IT AGAIN!"] + + * * * * * + +THE STORMY PETREL. + + ["This bird has long been celebrated for the manner in which + it passes over the waves, pattering with its webbed feet + and flapping its wings so as to keep itself just above the + surface. It thus traverses the ocean with wonderful ease, the + billows rolling beneath its feet and passing away under the + bird without in the least disturbing it."--_Wood's Popular + Natural History._] + + Only a Petrel, I, + Telling the storm is nigh; + Fleet o'er the waves I fly, + When skies look stormy. + When things are calm and slow, + I 'midst Brum rocks lie low; + But when wild breezes blow + Men may look for me. + + Lured from my Midland home, + When gales begin to roam + Proudly I skim the foam, + Flappering and pattering! + I with the airiest ease + Traverse the angriest seas + Round the wild Hebrides + Bellowing and battering. + + But the wild Irish coast + Suits my strong flight the most. + Breeze-baffling wings I boast, + Nothing disturbs me. + Cool 'midst the tempest's crash, + Swift through the foam I dash, + Wind flout or lightning flash + Scares not, nor curbs me. + + Sea-birds are silly things, + Squat bodies, stunted wings. + Where is the bard who sings + Penguin or puffin, + Grebe, guillemot, or gull? + Oh, the winged noodles, null, + In timid flocks and dull, + Squattin' and stuffin'! + + I, like the albatross, + Love on the winds to toss, + Where gales and currents cross + My fodder finding. + Let Gulls and Boobies rest + Safe in a sheltered nest, + I'm bold the breeze to breast + Tamer fowl blinding. + + Only a Petrel, I, + Calm in a calm I lie, + But when 'neath darkening sky + Strife lifteth her face, + When the red lightnings glare, + Then, from my rocky lair + Darting, I cleave the air, + Skimming sea's surface. + + Some swear the storm I raise; + That's superstition's craze; + But on tempestuous days, + Wild, wet, and windy, + Herald of storm I fly. + Only a Petrel, I, + But when my form you spy,-- + Look out for shindy. + + * * * * * + +"BENEFITS FORGOT."--This is the title of a serial in _Scribners'_. +Many over-strict persons will not read it, being under the impression +that the story is essentially theatrical. A natural mistake. Nothing +in an actor's life could give occasion for more bitter reflection than +the memory of "Benefits Forgot," especially after they had been got up +and advertised at great personal expense. + + * * * * * + +TO A FINE WOMAN. + +(_By a Little Man._) + + "Can my eyes reach thy size?" + Asked the Lilliputian poet, + As I've read. Can my head + Reach your shoulder? It's below it. + + Women all are so tall + Nowadays, but you're gigantic; + One so vast, sweeping past, + Makes my five feet four feel frantic. + + Each girl tries exercise, + Rows, rides, runs, golf, cricket, tennis, + Games for an Olympian-- + Greek Olympia, not "Venice." + + Stalks and shoots, climbs in boots + Like a navvy's not a dandy's, + Ice-axe takes, records breaks-- + If not neck--on Alps or Andes. + + Alps in height, girls affright + Men, like me, of puny figure; + They are too tall, but you + Are preposterously bigger. + + At this dance, if I glance + Round the room, I see I'm smallest; + You instead are a head + Over girls and men, you're tallest. + + As a pair, at a fair, + Any showman might produce us; + Dwarf I'd do, giant you---- + What! They want to introduce us? + + Can I whirl such a girl? + Calisthenics could not teach it. + I, effaced, clasp your waist? + I'll be hanged if I can reach it! + +[Illustration: THE STORMY PETREL!] + + * * * * * + +THE ADVENTURES OF PICKLOCK HOLES. + +(_By Cunnin Toil._) + +No. I.--THE BISHOP'S CRIME. + +I was sitting alone in my room at 10.29 on the night of the 14th of +last November. I had been doing a good deal of work lately, and I +was tired. Moreover, I had had more than one touch of that old Afghan +fever, which always seemed to be much more inclined to touch than to +go. However, we can't have everything here to please us; and as I had +only the other day attended two bankers and a Lord Mayor for measles, +I had no real cause to complain of my prospects. I had drawn the old +armchair in which I was sitting close to the fire, and, not having +any bread handy, I was occupied in toasting my feet at the blaze +when suddenly the clock on the mantelpiece struck the half hour, and +PICKLOCK HOLES stood by my side. I was too much accustomed to his +proceedings to express any surprise at seeing him thus, but I own +that I was itching to ask him how he had managed to get into my house +without ringing the bell. However, I refrained, and motioned him to a +chair. + +"My friend," said this extraordinary man, without the least preface, +"you've been smoking again. You know you have; it's not the least use +denying it." I absolutely gasped with astonishment, and gazed at him +almost in terror. How had he guessed my secret? He read my thoughts, +and smiled. + +"Oh, simply enough. That spot on your shirt-cuff is black. But +it might have been yellow, or green, or blue, or brown, or +rainbow-coloured. But I know you smoke Rainbow mixture, and as your +canary there in the corner has just gone blind, I know further that +bird's-eye is one of the component parts of the mixture." + +"HOLES," I cried, dropping my old meerschaum out of my mouth in my +amazement; "I don't believe you're a man at all--you're a devil." + +"Thank you for the compliment," he replied, without moving a single +muscle of his marble face. "You ought not to sup----" He was going +to have added "pose," but the first syllable seemed to suggest a +new train of thought (in which, I may add, there was no second class +whatever) to my inexplicable friend. + +"No," he said; "the devilled bones were not good. Don't interrupt me; +you had devilled bones for supper, or rather you would have had them, +only you didn't like them. Do you see that match? A small piece +is broken off the bottom, but enough is left to show it was once +a lucifer--in other words, a devil. It is lying at the feet of +the skeleton which you use for your anatomical investigations, and +therefore I naturally conclude that you had devilled bones for +supper. You didn't eat them, _for not a single bone of the skeleton is +missing_. Do I make myself clear?" + +"You do," I said, marvelling more than ever at the extraordinary +perspicacity of the man. As a matter of fact, my supper had consisted +of bread and cheese; but I felt that it would be in extremely bad +taste for a struggling medical practitioner like myself to contradict +a detective whose fame had extended to the ends of the earth. I picked +up my pipe, and relit it, and, for a few moments, we sat in silence. +At last I ventured to address him. + +"Anything new?" I said. + +"No, not exactly new," he said, wearily, passing his sinewy hand over +his expressionless brow. "Have you a special _Evening Standard_? I +conclude you have, as I see no other evening papers here. Do you mind +handing it to me?" + +There was no deceiving this weird creature. I took the paper he +mentioned from my study table, and handed it to him. + +"Now listen," said HOLES, and then read, in a voice devoid of any sign +of emotion, the following paragraph:--"This morning, as Mrs. +DRABLEY, a lady of independent means, was walking in Piccadilly, she +inadvertently stepped on a piece of orange-peel, and fell heavily +on the pavement. She was carried into the shop of Messrs. SALVER AND +TANKARD, the well-known silversmiths, and it was at first thought she +had broken her right leg. However, on being examined by a medical man +who happened to be passing, she was pronounced to be suffering +from nothing worse than a severe bruise, and, in the course of +half-an-hour, she recovered sufficiently to be able to proceed on her +business. This is the fifth accident caused by orange-peel at the same +place within the last week." + +[Illustration: "The Bishop was in his night-gown, and the sight of two +strangers visibly alarmed him."] + +"It _is_ scandalous!" I broke in. "This mania for dropping orange-peel +is decimating London. Curiously enough I happen to be the medical man +who----" + +"Yes, I know; you are the medical man who was passing." + +"HOLES," I ejaculated, "you are a magician." + +"No, not a magician; only a humble seeker after truth, who uses as a +basis for his deduction some slight point that others are too blind +to grasp. Now you think the matter ends there. I don't. I mean to +discover who dropped that orange-peel. Will you help me?" + +"Of course I will, but how do you mean to proceed? There must be +thousands of people who eat oranges every day in London." + +"Be accurate, my dear fellow, whatever you do. There are 78,965, not +counting girls. But this piece was not dropped by a girl." + +"How do you know?" I asked. + +"Never mind; it is sufficient that I do know it. Read this," he +continued, pointing to another column of the paper. This is what I +read:-- + +"MISSIONARY ENTERPRISE.--A great conference of American and Colonial +Bishops was held in Exeter Hall this afternoon. The proceedings opened +with an impassioned speech from the Bishop of FLORIDA----" + +"Never mind the rest," said HOLES, "that's quite enough. Now read +this":-- + +"The magnificent silver bowl to be presented to the Bishop of Florida +by some of his English friends is now on view at Messrs. SALVER +AND TANKARD'S in Piccadilly. It is a noble specimen of the British +silversmith's art." An elaborate description followed. + +"These paragraphs," continued HOLES, in his usual impassive manner, +"give me the clue I want. Florida is an orange-growing country. Let us +call on the Bishop." + +In a moment we had put on our hats, and in another moment we were in +a Hansom on our way to the Bishop's lodgings in Church Street, Soho. +HOLES gained admittance by means of his skeleton key. We passed +noiselessly up the stairs, and, without knocking, entered the Bishop's +bedroom. He was in his night-gown, and the sight of two strangers +visibly alarmed him. + +"I am a detective," began HOLES. + +"Oh," said the Bishop, turning pale. "Then I presume you have called +about that curate who disappeared in an alligator swamp close to my +episcopal palace in Florida. It is not true that I killed him. He----" + +"Tush," said HOLES, "we are come about weightier matters. This morning +at half-past eleven your lordship was standing outside the shop of +SALVER AND TANKARD looking at your presentation bowl. You were eating +an orange. You stowed the greater part of the peel in your coat-tail +pocket, but you dropped, maliciously dropped, one piece on the +pavement. Shortly afterwards a stout lady passing by trod on it and +fell. Have you anything to say?" + +The Bishop made a movement, but HOLES was before-hand with him. He +dashed to a long black coat that hung behind the door, inserted his +hand deftly in the pocket, and pulled out the fragmentary remains of a +large Florida orange. + +"As I supposed," he said, "a piece is missing." + +But the miserable prelate had fallen senseless on the floor, where we +left him. + +"HOLES," I said, "this is one of your very best. How on earth did you +know you would find that orange-peel in his coat?" + +"I didn't find it there," replied my friend; "I brought it with me, +and had it in my hand when I put it in his pocket. I knew I should +have to use strong measures with so desperate a character. My dear +fellow, all these matters require tact and imagination." + +And that was how we brought home the orange-peel to the Bishop. + + * * * * * + +Ben Trovato. + + A penny-a-liner heard--with a not unnatural choler-- + That he of all invention was apparently bereft; + And so he up and told them that a smart left-handed bowler, + "Manipulates the leather with the left!" + That's very chaste and novel, and alliterative too; + As a sham Swinburnian poet we should think that man might do! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EDUCATED. + +(_From a Yorkshire Moor._) + +_Keeper (to the Captain, who has missed again, and is letting off +steam in consequence)._ "OH DEAR! OH DEAR! IT'S HAWFUL TO SEE YER +MISSIN' OF 'EM, SIR; BUT"--(_with admiration_)--"YE'RE A SCHOLARD I' +LANGWIDGE, SIR!"] + + * * * * * + +CRICKET CONGRATULATIONS. + + 843! Well done! Well played! Well hit! + It opens _Mr. Punch's_ eyes a bit + To see our friends of the Antipodes + Pile up their hundreds with the utmost ease. + BRUCE leads the way, and shows Blues--Dark and Light-- + Left-handed men may play the game aright. + Then BANNERMAN, safe as a GUNN is he, + Exceeds the Century by thirty-three, + While five more than a hundred runs are due + To TRUMBLE, whom his friends call simply "HUGH." + Well played, Australia! Banks may fail--they do, + And, truth to tell, you _have_ lost one or two, + But this at any rate's a clear deduction-- + Your Cricket Team can need no reconstruction! + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, July 31._--No one who chanced last +Thursday to see HAYES FISHER and LOGAN engaged in controversy on +Front Opposition Bench would suspect them of essentially retiring +disposition. This conclusively proved to-night. Decided on further +consideration that something must really be done in direction of +modifying effects of Thursday's riot. Someone must apologise. This +put to HAYES FISHER, who delighted WALROND with swiftness, even +enthusiasm, of acquiescence. + +"Right you are, dear boy," he cried. "I have thought so from the +first. Indeed I have publicly placed the matter in its true light. +Daresay you read my little affidavit written within an hour of what +I quite agree with the SPEAKER in alluding to as 'the regrettable +incident.' Here's what I said: 'To put a stop to his (LOGAN'S) +aggressive conduct, I immediately seized him by the neck and forcibly +ejected him on to the floor of the House. That began the scrimmage.' +Then I go on to point the moral, though indeed it points itself. +This is where you and I particularly agree. 'In my opinion the +responsibility for the discreditable scene rests even more with Mr. +GLADSTONE than with Mr. LOGAN.' Yes, WALROND, you are quite right in +what you are about to say. I have shown clearly that Mr. G. was at the +bottom of the whole business, and he should apologise. Don't you think +he'd better be brought in at the Bar? And if he spent a night or two +in the Clock Tower it would have most wholesome effect, vindicate +dignity of House, and prevent recurrence of these regrettable scenes." + +WALROND'S face a study, whilst HAYES FISHER, carried away by +enthusiasm of moment, rubbed his hands and smiled in anticipation of +the scene. + +The Opposition Whip had tough job in hand. To FISHER'S logical mind +the proposal that _he_ should apologise was a _non sequitur_. Why, +what had he done? As he told House later, seeing LOGAN come up and +sit down on bench below him, he thought he was going to strike him. +Natural attitude for a man meaning to let out straight from the +shoulder at another is to sit down with back turned towards intended +victim. FISHER'S quick intelligence taking whole situation in at +glance, he promptly proceeded to take in as much as his hands would +hold of the back of LOGAN'S neck, with intent to thrust him forth. +That, as he wrote, "began the scrimmage." In other words, Mr. +GLADSTONE was responsible for the whole business, even more so than +LOGAN, who had wantonly brought the back of his neck within reach of +FISHER'S hand. + +However, there were reasons of State why the guilty should go +unpunished. Not the first time Innocency has been sacrificed that +Guilt might stalk through the land unfettered. FISHER would apologise; +but here again the untameably logical mind asserted itself. LOGAN must +apologise first. It was he who had been forcibly ejected. On Thursday +night FISHER had come up behind him; _argal_, he must follow him +now. Thus it was settled, or so understood. But when critical moment +arrived, House waiting for someone to speak, hitch occurred. FISHER +waited for LOGAN; LOGAN, in excess of politeness, hung back. Awkward +pause. SPEAKER observed he had certainly understood something might be +said by the two gentlemen. Another pause. LOGAN and FISHER eyed each +other across the floor. + + Lord CHATHAM, with his sword drawn, + Stood waiting for Sir RICHARD STRACHAN; + Sir RICHARD, longing to be at 'em, + Stood waiting for the Earl of CHATHAM. + +[Illustration: "THE HAPPY FAMILY." + +(_By Our Artist in Fret-Work._)] + +At length PRINCE ARTHUR interposed; gently, but firmly, drew the coy +FISHER to the front. His apology followed by one from the lingering +LOGAN. Scene ended amid mutual tears. + +"Yes, it's all very well," said FISHER, wringing his +pocket-handkerchief and glaring angrily at Mr. G. "But, after all, the +real criminal has escaped, and logic, as applicable to events of daily +life, has received a staggering blow." + +_Business done._--ACLAND explained English Education Estimates in +speech admirable alike in matter and manner. + +[Illustration: Another Injustice to Ireland.] + +_Tuesday._--Some men are born to trouble as the sparks fly upwards. +Of these is WILLIAM O'BRIEN. It would seem that fate had expended its +malignity when PRINCE ARTHUR deprived him of his breeches. Now JOSEPH +has appropriated his dinner-table. The lynx eye of BARTLEY detected +the irregularity which disclosed existence of this fresh outrage. +BARTLEY favourably known in House as guardian of its honour and +dignity. From time to time spirit moves him suddenly to rise and point +fat forefinger at astonished Mr. G., whom he has discovered in +some fresh design upon stability of the Empire or symmetry of the +Constitution. At stated hours, formerly on Thursdays ten o'clock now +generally on stroke of midnight, he is seen and heard shouting "Gag! +gag!" + +"Odd," says Member for Sark, "how phrases change in similar +circumstances though at different epochs. When Closure first invented, +put in motion by dear OLD MORALITY, and supported by BARTLEY, HANBURY, +JIMMY LOWTHER, and the rest, it used to be spoken resentfully of +as 'pouncing.' Now it is 'gagging.' But it is precisely the same, +inasmuch as the minority of the day, against whom it is enforced, +denounce it as iniquitous, whilst the majority, who took that view +when they were on other side of House, now regard it as indispensable +to conduct of public business. BARTLEY having lived through both +epochs is useful illustration of this tendency. When OLD MORALITY +pounced on Irish members his lusty shout of approval used to echo +through House with only less volume than now his roar of anguish goes +up to glass roof when OLD MORALITY'S original thumbscrews are fitted +on him and his friends. A quaint, mad world, my TOBY." + +To-night BARTLEY not so well-informed on subject as usual. Thought +it was JOHN DILLON, who, acting the part of AMPHITRYON, piloted his +guests within preserves of members' private dining-room. Turned out it +wasn't DILLON at all, but WILLIAM O'BRIEN, who in most tragic manner +tells how, having secured in advance a table for his guests, found +when the dinner-hour struck JOSEPH and his Brethren seated thereat, +merrily profiting by his forethought. Straightway O'BRIEN led his +guests to the table in members' room which Unionist Leaders have +marked for their own. This he appropriated, and there, regardless of +surprised looks from ex-ministers at adjoining table, he truculently +dined. + +"Well, at any rate," said TIM HEALY, that Man of Peace, "I'm glad it +wasn't mere English or Orangemen who were thus treated. If JOSEPH had +appropriated SAUNDERSON'S table, the Colonel would have taken him in +his arms, dropped him outside on the Terrace, and, returning to his +seat, ordered a fresh plate of soup." _Business done._--BARTLEY adds +fresh dignity to Parliamentary debate. + +_Thursday._--Was it this day week the House was in volcanic upheaval, +with HAYES FISHER--or was it Mr. GLADSTONE?--clutching LOGAN by +the back of the neck, a mad mob mauling each other round the white +waistcoat of EDWARD OF ARMAGH? According to the almanack this is so; +according to appearances an eternity and a hemisphere divide the two +scenes. + +In Committee on Vote on Account; average attendance from twenty to +thirty. Orders bristle with amendments; papers read in support +of them; occasionally a Member follows with observations on topic +suggested; sometimes he doesn't; then next gentleman who has prepared +paper takes the floor; the audience turns over; goes to sleep again; +wakened by Chairman putting question "that Amendment be withdrawn." +Isn't even vigour sufficient to induce a division. + +Only person free from somnolent influence of hour is Mr. G. Has +nothing to do in this galley; looks on wistfully whilst LOWTHER +(not JIMMY) talks about Vitu and the Pamirs; JIMMY (_lui meme_) is +sarcastic on subject of Board of Trade engaging in experiments +in journalism; and DICKY TEMPLE wants to know all about reported +modifications in constitution of St. Paul's School by the Charity +Commissioners. Mr. G. liked to have offered few remarks on one or all +these subjects. TOMMY BOWLES nearly succeeded in drawing him. Dropping +lightly out of Siam, _via_ Morocco, upon question of Collisions at +Sea, TOMMY brought MUNDELLA into full focus and fairly floored him +with a problem. + +"Suppose," he said, "the right hon. gentleman were at sea, and the +whole fleet bore down upon him on the weather bow. What would he do?" + +MUNDELLA nonplussed. Mr. G. knew all about it; would have answered +right off and probably silenced even TOMMY with proposition of counter +man[oe]uvre. But MARJORIBANKS kept relentless eye on him. Vote on +Account must be got through Committee to-night. The less speaking +the better; so with profound sigh Mr. G. resisted the temptation +and composed himself to listen to LENG'S paper on the prohibition +of importation of live cattle from Canada. Here was opportunity of +learning something which Mr. G. gratefully welcomed. Gradually, as +the new knight went on reading extract after extract in level voice, +remorselessly deliberate, Mr. G.'s eyes closed, his head drooped, and +in full view of the crowded Strangers' Gallery he fell into peaceful, +childlike slumber. + +_Business done._--Vote on Account passed Committee. + +[Illustration: Reading the G. O. M. to sleep.] + +_Friday._--Morning sitting devoted to miscellaneous talk around +Ireland. Evening, a long STOREY about iniquities of House of Lords. +The evening and the morning a dull day. Had time to look over Mr. G.'s +letter about retention of Irish Members. "What do you think of it?" I +asked the Member for Sark. "Haven't read it," he said. "When I saw +it was a column long, I knew Mr. G. didn't want to say anything +that would be understood. When he does, a few lines suffice; when he +doesn't, nothing less than a column of print will serve." + +_Business done._--Vote on Account through Report Stage. + + * * * * * + +FRANCE AND SIAM.--The situation at Bangkok will probably result in +further Develle-opments. + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's Note: + +Page 64: 'barometre' corrected to 'barometre'. "Le barometre--Beau +fixe!" + +Page 65: 'Jung Frau' ... the author may have had something else in +mind, besides the mountain (Jungfrau)? + +"_Interlachen._ Remember the Jung Frau and forget the tourists." + +Page 69: 'measeles' corrected to 'measles'. "attended two bankers and +a Lord Mayor for measles," + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +105, August 12th 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 36140.txt or 36140.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/6/1/4/36140/ + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. |