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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Goops and How to Be Them, by Gelett Burgess
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Goops and How to Be Them
+
+Author: Gelett Burgess
+
+Release Date: July 8, 2011 [EBook #36664]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GOOPS AND HOW TO BE THEM ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Edwards, David Garcia and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: (front cover)]
+
+
+
+
+
+
+GOOPS AND HOW TO BE THEM
+
+ A Manual of Manners for Polite Infants
+ Inculcating many Juvenile Virtues
+ Both by Precept and Example
+ With Ninety Drawings
+
+
+By GELETT BURGESS
+
+[Illustration]
+
+ NEW YORK
+ Frederick A. Stokes Company
+ Publishers
+
+ * * * * *
+
+COPYRIGHT, 1900, BY GELETT BURGESS
+
+TWENTY-THIRD PRINTING, MAY 9, 1935
+
+_Printed in the United States of America_
+
+ * * * * *
+
+[Illustration: _To Agnes who is Not (always) a Goop!_]
+
+[Illustration: TABLE OF CONTENTS]
+
+
+
+
+TABLE OF CONTENTS
+
+
+ Introduction _Page_ 1
+ Table Manners--I 3
+ Table Manners--II 5
+ Cleanliness 7
+ Neatness 9
+ Courtesy 11
+ Generosity 13
+ Consideration 15
+ Miss Manners 17
+ Borrowing 19
+ Memory 21
+ Books 23
+ Honesty 25
+ "Why?" 27
+ Bed-Time 29
+ Modesty 31
+ Disfiguration 33
+ Bravery 35
+ Tidiness 37
+ Patience 39
+ Fortitude 41
+ George Adolphus 43
+ Politeness 45
+ Gentleness 47
+ Hospitality 49
+ Pets 51
+ Remember 53
+ Curiosity 55
+ Willy 57
+ Clothes 59
+ Helpfulness 61
+ Quietness 63
+ Order 65
+ Teasing 67
+ Interruption 69
+ Cry-Baby 71
+ Caution 73
+ Tardiness 75
+ Obedience 77
+ Church Headaches 79
+ Perseverance 81
+ Doll-Time 83
+ Combing and Curling 85
+ Cheerfulness 87
+
+_Of these Rhymes, ten first appeared in_ "St. Nicholas," _and are here
+reprinted by permission of the_ Century Company.
+
+
+[Illustration: Introduction]
+
+
+
+
+_INTRODUCTION_
+
+
+ Let me introduce a Race
+ Void of Beauty and of Grace,
+ Extraordinary Creatures
+ With a Paucity of Features.
+ Though their Forms are fashioned ill,
+ They have Manners stranger still;
+ For in Rudeness they're Precocious,
+ They're Atrocious, they're Ferocious!
+ Yet you'll learn, if you are Bright,
+ Politeness from the Impolite.
+ When you've finished with the Book,
+ At your Conduct take a Look;
+ Ask yourself, upon the Spot,
+ _Are you Goop, or are you Not?_
+ For, although it's Fun to See them
+ It is TERRIBLE to Be them!
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Table Manners.--I.]
+
+
+
+
+_TABLE MANNERS.--I._
+
+
+ The Goops they lick their fingers,
+ And the Goops they lick their knives;
+ They spill their broth on the tablecloth--
+ Oh, they lead disgusting lives!
+ The Goops they talk while eating,
+ And loud and fast they chew;
+ And that is why I'm glad that I
+ Am not a Goop--are you?
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Table Manners.--II.]
+
+
+
+
+_TABLE MANNERS.--II._
+
+
+ The Goops are gluttonous and rude,
+ They gug and gumble with their food;
+ They throw their crumbs upon the floor,
+ And at dessert they tease for more;
+ They will not eat their soup and bread
+ But like to gobble sweets, instead,
+ And this is why I oft decline,
+ When I am asked to stay and dine!
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Cleanliness (top)]
+
+
+
+
+_CLEANLINESS_
+
+
+ The Goops they are spotted on chin and on cheek,
+ You could dig the dirt off with a trowel!
+ But _you_ wash your face twenty times every week,
+ And you don't do it _all_ with the towel!
+
+ The Goops are all dirty, and what do they do?
+ They like to be dirty, and stay so.
+ But if _you_ were dirty, you'd wash, wouldn't you?
+ If you needed a bath, you would say so!
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Neatness]
+
+
+
+
+_NEATNESS_
+
+
+ Goops leave traces everywhere--
+ Gum stuck underneath the chair,
+ Muddy footprints in the hall,
+ Show that Goops have been to call;
+ Shoes and stockings on the floor
+ Show where Goops have been before!
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Courtesy]
+
+
+
+
+_COURTESY_
+
+
+ I wonder why it is polite
+ In shaking hands, to give your _right_.
+ I wonder why it is refined
+ In passing one, to go _behind_.
+ I wonder why it is well-bred,
+ If you must sneeze, to turn your head.
+ Perhaps the reason is because
+ The Goops, they never have such laws!
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Generosity]
+
+
+
+
+_GENEROSITY_
+
+
+ When you have candy, do you go
+ And give your sister half?
+ When little brother stubs his toe,
+ Do you look on and laugh?
+
+ The greediest Goop would give away
+ The things he didn't need--
+ To share the toys with which you play,
+ That's generous, indeed!
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Consideration]
+
+
+
+
+_CONSIDERATION_
+
+
+ When you're old, and get to be
+ Thirty-four or forty-three,
+ Don't you hope that you will see
+ Children all respect you?
+
+ Will they, without being told,
+ Wait on you, when you are old,
+ Or be heedless, selfish, cold?
+ I _hope_ they'll not neglect you!
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Miss Manners]
+
+
+
+
+_MISS MANNERS_
+
+
+ No matter how you wish
+ For the last one on the dish,
+ Miss Manners has a right to it, not you;
+ And the largest one of all,
+ Or the nicest, big or small--
+ Well, I think you'd better leave her _that_ one too!
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Borrowing]
+
+
+
+
+_BORROWING_
+
+
+ Whose doll is that on the table?
+ Whose book is that on the chair?
+ The knife and the pencils and other utensils,
+ Now how do they come to be there?
+
+ Didn't you say they were borrowed?
+ You'd better take back just a few!
+ If _you_ lent your playthings, I think you would say things
+ If no one returned them to you!
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Memory]
+
+
+
+
+_MEMORY_
+
+
+ My teacher taught me, yesterday,
+ A very pretty piece to say;
+ But when I try to think of it,
+ I can't remember it a bit!
+ My head's so full of toys and such,
+ I can't remember very much!
+
+ My teacher told me yesterday
+ "_Work when you work; Play when you play!_"
+ When I am playing with my toys
+ I am the busiest of boys;
+ But when I study or I work
+ I'm 'fraid I _am_ inclined to shirk!
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Books]
+
+
+
+
+_BOOKS_
+
+
+ I have a notion
+ The Books on the shelves
+ Are just as much persons
+ As we are, ourselves.
+
+ When you are older,
+ You'll find this is true;
+ You'd better be careful
+ To make Books like you!
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Honesty]
+
+
+
+
+_HONESTY_
+
+
+ The boy who plays at marbles and doesn't try to cheat,
+ Who always keeps his temper, no matter if he's beat,
+ Is sure to be a favorite with all upon the street.
+
+ The girl who counts her hundreds very fairly, when she's "it"
+ Who doesn't peep or listen, nor turn around a bit,
+ I'm sure she's not a Goop, in fact, she's quite the opposite!
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: "Why?"]
+
+
+
+
+"_WHY?_"
+
+
+ Josephus never yet was heard
+ To say but just one single word!
+ When father said to go to bed,
+ Then "_Why?_" was all Josephus said.
+ When mother bade him stop his play,
+ Then "_Why?_" Josephus used to say.
+ He always made the same reply.
+ 'Twas never anything but "WHY?"
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Bed-Time]
+
+
+
+
+_BED-TIME_
+
+
+ The night is different from the day--
+ It's darker in the night;
+ How can you ever hope to play
+ When it's no longer light?
+
+ When bed-time comes, it's time for you
+ To stop, for when you're yawning,
+ You should be dreaming what you'll do
+ When it's to-morrow morning.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Modesty]
+
+
+
+
+_MODESTY_
+
+
+ The proper time for you to show
+ Whatever little tricks you know
+ Is when grown people ask you to;
+ _Then_ you may show what you can do!
+ But sometimes mother's head will ache
+ With all the jolly noise you make,
+ And sometimes other people, too,
+ Can't spend the time to play with you!
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Disfiguration]
+
+
+
+
+_DISFIGURATION_
+
+ Have you ever seen the scrawls
+ On the fences and the walls,
+ All the horrid little pictures and the horrid little names?
+ Don't you think it is a shame?
+ Are the Goops the ones to blame?
+ Did you ever catch them playing at their horrid little games?
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Bravery]
+
+
+
+
+_BRAVERY_
+
+
+ It's terrible brave
+ To try to save
+ A girl on a runaway horse;
+ You could do that, of course!
+ But think of trying
+ To keep from crying,
+ When you're hungry and tired and cross--
+ You couldn't do _that_, of course!
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Tidiness]
+
+
+
+
+_TIDINESS_
+
+
+ Little scraps of paper,
+ Little crumbs of food,
+ Make a room untidy,
+ Everywhere they're strewed.
+
+ Do you sharpen pencils,
+ Ever, on the floor?
+ What becomes of orange-peels
+ And your apple-core?
+
+ Can you blame your mother
+ If she looks severe.
+ When she says, "It looks to me
+ As if the Goops were here"?
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Patience]
+
+
+
+
+_PATIENCE_
+
+
+ The clock will go slow
+ If you watch it, you know;
+ You must work right along and forget it.
+ So study your best
+ Till it's time for a rest,
+ The clock will go fast, if you let it!
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Fortitude]
+
+
+
+
+_FORTITUDE_
+
+
+ When you have been a naughty child,
+ Or taken more than was your share,
+ When you've been sulky, cross or wild,
+ You must not say, "Oh, I don't care!"
+
+ But when you hate to see it rain,
+ And when it's time to comb your hair,
+ And when you have a little pain,
+ _Then_ you can say, "Oh, I don't care!"
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: George Adolphus]
+
+
+
+
+_GEORGE ADOLPHUS_
+
+
+ Oh, think what George Adolphus did!
+ The children point and stare.
+ He went where mother had forbid,
+ And said he "_didn't care!_"
+
+ Oh, think what George Adolphus did!
+ He made his mother cry!
+ The children whoop "You are a Goop!
+ Fie! George Adolphus, fie!"
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Politeness]
+
+
+
+
+_POLITENESS_
+
+
+ I think it would be lots of fun
+ To be polite to every one;
+ A boy would doff his little hat,
+ A girl would curtsey, just like that!
+
+ And both would use such words as these:
+ "_Excuse me, Sir_," and "_If you please_;"
+ Not only just at home, you know,
+ But everywhere that they should go.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Gentleness]
+
+
+
+
+_GENTLENESS_
+
+
+ When you are playing with the girls,
+ You must not pull their pretty curls;
+ If you are gentle when you play,
+ You will be glad of it some day.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Hospitality]
+
+
+
+
+_HOSPITALITY_
+
+
+ When a person visits you, remember he's your guest,
+ Receive him very kindly, and be sure he has the best;
+ Make him very comfortable and show him all your toys,
+ And only play the games you're very sure that he enjoys.
+
+ When you pay a visit, never grumble or complain,
+ Try to be so affable they'll want you there again;
+ Don't forget the older ones, your hostess least of all,
+ When you're leaving tell her you have had a pleasant call!
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Pets]
+
+
+
+
+_PETS_
+
+
+ Almost every Goop forgets
+ When it's time to feed his pets,
+ 'Cause his memory fails;
+
+ Listen to his wails!
+ He is often scratched or bitten
+ By the puppy or the kitten,
+ 'Cause he pulls their tails!
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Remember]
+
+
+
+
+_REMEMBER_
+
+
+ Remember not to suck your thumb;
+ Remember not to slam the door;
+ Remember when the callers come
+ To take your toys from off the floor.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Curiosity]
+
+
+
+
+_CURIOSITY_
+
+
+ I think that it would help you much
+ If you'd remember _not to touch_.
+ The Goops do this, and they do more,
+ They peep and listen at the door!
+ They open bottles of cologne,
+ And feel of parcels not their own!
+ But there are many stupid folks
+ Who do not care for children's jokes.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Willy]
+
+
+
+
+_WILLY_
+
+
+ Willy broke the window-pane.
+ Willy spilled the ink,
+ Willy left the water-pipe
+ Running in the sink!
+
+ Did his mother punish him?
+ No! I'll tell you why.
+ Willy, he owned up to it,
+ And didn't tell a lie!
+
+ Willy told his mother
+ Before she found it out
+ _He_ said: "I am so sorry!"
+ _She_ said "I have no doubt!"
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Clothes]
+
+
+
+
+_CLOTHES_
+
+
+ When you are playing in the dirt,
+ You should wear clothes you cannot hurt;
+ It will not matter, when they're worn,
+ If they are just a _little_ torn.
+
+ But when you're really nicely dressed,
+ Be careful of your Sunday Best!
+ You must not crawl upon your knees;
+ Be careful of your elbows, please!
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Helpfulness]
+
+
+
+
+_HELPFULNESS_
+
+
+ I never knew a Goop to help his mother,
+ I never knew a Goop to help his dad,
+ And they never do a thing for one another;
+ They are actually, absolutely bad!
+
+ If you ask a Goop to go and post a letter,
+ Or to run upon an errand, _how_ they act!
+ But somehow I imagine you are better,
+ And you _try_ to go, and _cry_ to go, in fact!
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Quietness]
+
+
+
+
+_QUIETNESS_
+
+
+ Hush! for your father is reading.
+ Hush! for your mother is ill.
+ Hush! for the baby
+ Is sleeping, and may be
+ He'll catch a nice dream if you're still.
+ Kiss me, and promise you will!
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Order]
+
+
+
+
+_ORDER_
+
+
+ Make your soldiers march away,
+ When you're finished with your play.
+ Lead them to the barrack-box,
+ Make them carry all your blocks.
+ Teach your doll to go to bed,
+ Not to lie about instead;
+ Tell her she must clear away
+ Everything she's used to-day.
+ All your playthings and your toys
+ Must be trained like girls and boys!
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Teasing]
+
+
+
+
+
+_TEASING_
+
+
+ Tease to linger longer when your mother bids you go;
+ Tease to have a penny when your father answers, "No!"
+ Tease to have a story when your uncle doesn't please;
+ That's the way to be a Goop--_tease, tease, tease!_
+
+ Hint about the carriage when there's only room for three;
+ Hint about the toys you like and every doll you see;
+ Hint about the candy, say you're fond of peppermint;
+ That's the way to be a Goop--_hint, hint, hint!_
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Interruption]
+
+
+
+
+_INTERRUPTION_
+
+
+ Don't interrupt your father when he's telling funny jokes;
+ Don't interrupt your mother when she's entertaining folks;
+ Don't interrupt the visitors when they have come to call,--
+ In fact, it's generally wiser not to interrupt at all.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Cry-Baby]
+
+
+
+
+_CRY-BABY_
+
+
+ I'm sure that I would rather die
+ Than have my playmates see me cry;
+ It twists your face
+ And knots your forehead,
+ And makes you look all cross and horrid;
+ And every one who sees you cries
+ "What _is_ the matter with your eyes?"
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Caution]
+
+
+
+
+_CAUTION_
+
+
+ When you travel in the street,
+ Are you cautious and discreet?
+ Do you look about for horses
+ When your little brother crosses?
+ Do you go the shortest way,
+ Never stopping once to play?
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Tardiness]
+
+
+
+
+_TARDINESS_
+
+
+ Goodness gracious sakes alive!
+ Mother said, "Come home at five!"
+ Now the clock is striking six,
+ I am in a norful fix!
+ She will think I can't be trusted,
+ And she'll say that she's disgusted!
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Obedience]
+
+
+
+
+_OBEDIENCE_
+
+
+ The Goops are very hard to kill,
+ So they hang out the Window-sill;
+ Down the Banisters they slide--
+ _I_ could do it if I tried;
+ But when Mother tells me "don't,"
+ Then, of course I really won't!
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Church Headaches (top)]
+
+
+
+
+_CHURCH HEADACHES_
+
+
+ When 'tis time to go to church
+ Do you ever have a chill?
+ When 'tis time to go to school,
+ Do you fancy you are ill?
+ Oh, be very cautious, please,
+ I can tell by signs like these
+ You have got the Goop Disease!
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Perseverance]
+
+
+
+
+_PERSEVERANCE_
+
+
+ Tony started bright and early, clearing up his room,
+ Soon he found he had to stop and make a little broom;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+ So then he went into the yard to get a little stick,
+ But the garden needed weeding, so he set about it, quick!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+ Then he found his wagon he intended to repair,
+ So he went into the cellar for the hammer that was there;
+
+[Illustration]
+
+ He'd just begun to build a box, when it was time for dinner;
+ And that's why Tony's father called his son a "_good beginner_."
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Doll-Time]
+
+
+
+
+_DOLL-TIME_
+
+
+ Spring's the time for marbles
+ And Fall's the time for tops,
+ But boys don't know, they only go
+ By seeing them in shops!
+
+ They like a sled in Winter,
+ In Summer 'tis a kite;
+ But dolls are found the whole year round
+ And every day and night!
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Combing & Curling]
+
+
+
+
+_COMBING & CURLING_
+
+
+ _When your mother combs your hair,_
+ _Here's a rhyme for you to say:_
+ _If you try it, I declare,_
+ _It will take the snarls away!_
+
+ In the ocean of my hair,
+ Many little waves are there;
+ Make the comb, a little boat,
+ Over all the billows float;
+ Sail the rough and tangled tide
+ Till it's smooth on every side,
+ Till, like other little girls,
+ I've a sea of wavy curls!
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: Cheerfulness]
+
+
+
+
+_CHEERFULNESS_
+
+
+ Now the book, is finished
+ (It's too long by half,
+ Mere didactic chaff),
+ One more rule won't hurt you:
+ When you practise Virtue,
+ Do it with a laugh!
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Goops and How to Be Them, by Gelett Burgess
+
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