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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Puddleford Papers,, by H. H. Riley
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Puddleford Papers,
+       Or Humors of the West
+
+Author: H. H. Riley
+
+Release Date: July 10, 2011 [EBook #36678]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE PUDDLEFORD PAPERS, ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Emmy, Darleen Dove, Josephine Paolucci and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net.
+(This file was produced from images generously made
+available by The Internet Archive.)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: IKE TURTLE AND AUNT GRAVES.
+
+"Marry? _Me_ marry--marry a man--a great, awful man!"--Page 160.]
+
+
+
+
+THE PUDDLEFORD PAPERS;
+
+OR,
+
+HUMORS OF THE WEST.
+
+BY H. H. RILEY.
+
+_WITH ORIGINAL ILLUSTRATIONS._
+
+BOSTON:
+LEE AND SHEPARD, PUBLISHERS.
+
+NEW YORK:
+LEE, SHEPARD AND DILLINGHAM.
+
+1875.
+
+
+Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1874,
+
+BY LEE AND SHEPARD,
+
+In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington.
+
+Stereotyped at the Boston Stereotype Foundry,
+No. 19 Spring Lane.
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE.
+
+
+Everybody who writes a book, is expected to introduce it with a preface; to
+hang out a sign, the more captivating the better, informing the public what
+kind of entertainment may be expected within. I am very sorry that I am
+obliged to say that many a one has been wofully deceived by these outside
+proclamations, and some one may be again.
+
+I am unable to apologize to the public for inflicting this work upon it. It
+was not through "the entreaty of friends" that it was written. It is not
+the "outpourings of a delicate constitution." (I weigh one hundred and
+sixty pounds.) I was not driven into it "by a predestination to write,
+which was beyond my control." It is not "offered for the benefit of a few
+near relatives, who have insisted upon seeing it in print;" nor do I expect
+the public will tolerate it simply out of regard to my feelings, if their
+own feelings are not enlisted in its favor.
+
+The book is filled with portraits of Puddleford and the Puddlefordians.
+The reader may never have seen the portrait of a genuine Puddlefordian.
+Bless me, how much that man has lost! If the reader does not like the
+painting after he _has_ seen it, I cannot help it; it may be the fault of
+the original, or it may be from a want of skill in the painter.
+
+Like the carrier-pigeon, let it go, to return with glad tidings, or none at
+all.
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE TO THE THIRD EDITION.
+
+
+Many years have passed since Puddleford was first published. In the
+meanwhile the world has turned round and round, and so has Puddleford. The
+book, too, has been growing in size, from time to time, and some new
+"matter" has been now introduced.
+
+The object of the book was not merely humor. It was hoped by the author
+that the reader would discover an undercurrent, showing strong points of
+human nature in the rough, and how at last the rugged rock becomes rounded
+and polished into the smooth stone--the iron cleaver turned into the
+tempered sword. How stern, honest men, who are driven to grapple and
+struggle with the hardships of a new country, meet and dispose of them in
+an irregular and home-made way, by striking at the root of the question,
+disregarding mere form. How the foundation of law, religion, and order is
+laid in strength, if not in beauty. How other generations build thereon the
+temple with its pillars and spire.
+
+I cannot attempt to describe the Puddleford of to-day. Ike Turtle is old
+and gray, but his children hold high positions in society and state. Some
+of them have Ike's thorny, sharp genius, but toned down by education and
+cultivation into method and power. Squire Longbow totters around on his
+staff, tries over his old cases with anybody who will listen to him,
+repeats his decisions of fifteen years ago, quotes Ike's jokes, and sums up
+all the testimony for the fortieth time to his weary listeners. Aunt Sonora
+has gone to her reward. Other courts are held in Puddleford now.
+Technicalities are observed. Law is law. How much more justice is
+administered, it is not for me to say.
+
+The book is once more before the public. The public have received it in the
+past quite as well as it deserved, perhaps. Its future is now committed to
+the public again.
+
+                                            H. H. R.
+
+                                                SEPTEMBER 8, 1874.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS.
+
+
+CHAPTER I. PAGE
+
+     Puddleford.--Eagle Tavern.--Mr. and Mrs. Bulliphant.--May
+     Morning.--Birds.--Venison Styles.--General Character of
+     Society.--The Colonel.--Venison Styles's Cabin.                     17
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+     Lawsuit: Filkins against Beadle.--Squire Longbow and his
+     Court.--Puddleford assembled.--Why Squire Longbow was a
+     Great Man.--Ike Turtle and Sile Bates, Pettifoggers.--Mrs.
+     Sonora Brown.--Uproar and Legal Opinions.--Seth
+     Bolles.--Miss Eunice Grimes.--Argument to Jury, and Verdict.        34
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+     Wanderings in the Wilderness.--A Bee-Hunt.--Sunrise.--The
+     Fox-Squirrel.--The Blue-Jay.--The Gopher.--The
+     Partridges.--Wild Geese, Ducks, and Cranes.--Blackbirds and
+     Meadow-Larks.--Venison's Account of the Bees' Domestic
+     Economy.--How Venison found what he was in Search of.--Honey
+     secured.--After-Reflections.                                        54
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+     The Log-Chapel.--Father Beals.--Aunt Graves.--Sister
+     Abigail.--Bigelow Van Slyck, the Preacher.--His
+     Entrée.--How he worked.--One of his Sermons.--Performance
+     of the Choir.--"Coronation" achieved.--Getting into
+     Position.--Personal Appeals.--Effect on the
+     Congregation.--Sabbath in the Wilderness.--Is Bigelow the
+     only Ridiculous Preacher?                                           66
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+     Indian Summer.--Venison Styles again.--Jim Buzzard.--Fishing
+     Excursion.--Muskrat City.--Indian Burying-Ground.--The
+     Pickerel and the Rest of the Fishes.--The Prairie.--Wild
+     Geese.--The Old Mound.--Venison's Regrets at the
+     degenerating Times.--His Luck, and Mine.--Reminiscences of
+     the Beavers.--Camping out.--Safe Return.                            81
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+     Educational Efforts.--Squire Longbow's "Notis."--"The
+     Saterday Nite."--Ike and the Squire.--Various Remarks to the
+     Point.--Mrs. Fizzle and the Temperance Question.--Collection
+     taken.--General Result.                                             96
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+     Social War.--Longbow, Turtle & Co.--Bird, Swipes, Beagle &
+     Co.--Mrs. Bird.--Mrs. Beagle.--Mrs. Swipes.--Turkey and
+     Aristocracy.--Scandal.--Husking-Bees, and "such like."--The
+     Calathumpian Band.--The Horse-Fiddle.--The Giant
+     Trombone.--The Gyastacutas.--Tuning up.--Unparalleled
+     Effort.--Puddleford still a Representative Place.                  105
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+     Puddleford and Politics.--Higgins against Wiggins.--The
+     Candidates' Personale.--Their Platforms.--Delicate
+     Questions.--Stump Speaking.--Wiggins on
+     Higgins.--Impertinent Interruptions.--Higgins on
+     Wiggins.--Ike Turtle not dead yet.--Commotion.--Squire
+     Longbow restores Order.--Grand Stroke of Policy.--The Roast
+     Ox at Gillett's Corners.                                           115
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+     Winter upon us.--The Roosters in the early Morning.--The
+     Blue-Jays and the Squirrels.--The Improvident Turkey.--The
+     Domestic Hearth, and who occupied it.--The Old Dog.--The
+     Blessed Old Mail-Horse.--The Newspapers.--Our
+     Come-to-Tea.--Mrs. Brown, her Arrival and
+     Experiences.--Entrée of Bird, Beagles & Co.--Conflicting
+     Elements, and how Ike Turtle assimilated all.--Gratifying
+     Consequences.                                                      128
+
+
+CHAPTER X.
+
+     Mrs. Longbow taken sick.--General Interest.--Dr.
+     Teazle.--His Visit.--"The Rattles."--Scientific
+     Diagnosis.--A Prescription.--Short and Dr. Dobbs.--"Pantod
+     of the Heart."--Dismissal of Teazle.--Installation of
+     Dobbs.--"Scyller and Chara_bi_des."--Ike's Views.--The
+     Colonel's.--Bates's.--Mrs. Longbow dies.--Who killed her:
+     conflicting Opinions.--Her Funeral.--Bigelow Van Slyck's
+     Sermon.--Interment.                                                148
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.
+
+     Squire Longbow in Mourning.--The Great Question.--Aunt
+     Sonora's Opinion.--Other People's.--The Squire goes to
+     Church.--His Appearance on that Occasion.--Aunt Graves, and
+     her Extra Performance.--"Nux Vomica."--Anxious
+     Mothers.--Mary Jane Arabella Swipes.--Sister Abigail.--Ike
+     Turtle, and his Designs.--He calls on Aunt Graves.--She'll
+     go it.--Sister Abigail's Objection.--The Squire's First Love
+     Letter.--The Wedding.--Great Getting-up.--Turtle's
+     Examination.--The Squire runs the Risk of "the
+     Staterts."--Bigelow's Ceremony.--General Break-Down.--Not
+     _very_ Drunk.                                                      156
+
+
+CHAPTER XII.
+
+     The Group at "The Eagle."--Entrée of a Stranger.--His
+     Opinion of the Tavern.--Bulliphant wakes up.--Can't pick
+     Fowls after Dark.--Sad Case of Mother Gantlet and Dr.
+     Teazle.--Mr. Farindale begins to unbend.--Whistle & Sharp,
+     and their Attorney.--Good Pay.--Legal Conversation.--Going
+     Sniping.--Great Description of the Animal.--The Party start,
+     Farindale holding the Bag.--"Waiting for
+     Snipe."--Farindale's Solitary Return.--His Interview with
+     Whistle & Sharp.--Suing a Puddleford Firm.--Relief
+     Laws.--Farindale gets his Execution.--The Puddleford
+     Bank.--The Appraisers.--Proceeds of the Execution.                 166
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII.
+
+     The "Fev-Nag."--Conflicting Theories.--"Oxergin and
+     Hydergin."--Teazle's Rationale.--The Scourge of the
+     West.--Sile Bates, and his Condition.--Squire Longbow and
+     Jim Buzzard.--Puddleford prostrate.--Various
+     Practitioners.--"The Billerous Duck."--Pioneer
+     Martyrs.--Wave over Wave.                                          182
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV.
+
+     Uncommonly Common Schools.--Annual School District
+     Meeting.--Accounts for Contingent Expenses.--Turtle and Old
+     Gulick's Boy.--"That are Glass."--The Colonel starts the
+     Wheels again.--Bulliphant's Tactics.--Have we hired "Deacon
+     Fluett's Darter," or not?--Isabel Strickett.--Bunker Hill
+     and Turkey.--Sah-Jane Beagles.--The Question settled.              190
+
+
+CHAPTER XV.
+
+     Venison Styles again.--Sermon on Nature.--Funeral Songs of
+     the Birds.--Their Flight and Return.--His Theory of
+     Government.--Sakoset.--The Indians.                                198
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI.
+
+     Some Account of John Smith.--Nicknames.--Progress of the
+     Age.--The Colonel's Opinion of Science.--John Smith's
+     Dream.--Ike Turtle's Dream.--Ike takes the Boots.                  206
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII.
+
+     Ike Turtle in his Office.--The Author consults him on Point
+     of Law.--Taxes of Non-Residents.--Law in Puddleford.--Mr.
+     Bridget's Case.--Legal Discussion.--The Case settled.              222
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII.
+
+     The Wilderness around Puddleford.--The Rivers and the
+     Forests.--Suggestions of Old Times.--Footprints of the
+     Jesuits.--Vine-covered Mounds.--Visit to the Forest.--The
+     Early Frost.--The Forest Clock.--The Woodland Harvest.--The
+     Last Flowers.--Nature sowing her Seed.--The Squirrel in the
+     Hickory.--Pigeons, their Ways and their Haunts.--The
+     Butterflies and the Bullfrog.--Nature and her Sermons.--Her
+     Temple still open, but the High-priest gone.                       230
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX.
+
+     The Old New England Home.--The Sheltered Village.--The
+     Ancient Buildings.--Dormer Windows.--An Old Puritanical
+     Home.--The Old Puritan Church.--The Burying-Ground.--Deacon
+     Smith, his Habits and his Helpers.--Major Simeon Giles, his
+     Mansion and his Ancestry.--Old Doctor Styles.--Crapo
+     Jackson, the Sexton.--"Training Days."--Militia
+     Dignitaries.--Major Boles.--Major General
+     Peabody.--Preparations and Achievements.--Demolition of an
+     Apple Cart.--"Shoulder Arms!"--Colonel Asher Peabody.--The
+     Boys, and their World.--My Last Look at my Native Village.         239
+
+
+CHAPTER XX.
+
+     First Militia Law in Puddleford.--Aunt Sonora opposed to
+     it.--Turtle sets her right.--Meeting to choose
+     Officers.--Longbow electioneers for Captain: takes the
+     Chair.--Turtle objects.--P'ints of Order.--_Vivy Vocy_ Vote
+     won't do.--Legally authorized Boxes must be had.--Longbow's
+     Speech.--Turtle fined for Contempt.--Longbow elected
+     Captain.--Great Military Turn-out.--Company turn a Circle;
+     Break down.--Turn an Angle; Break down again.--Address to
+     Troops.--Adjourn _sine die_.                                       256
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI.
+
+     Mrs. Bird gets in a Rage.--Starve a Child.--Mrs. Bird blows
+     off at Mrs. Beagle.--Takes Breath.--Blows off again.--Mrs.
+     Beagle gives a Piece of her Mind.--Aunt Sonora drops
+     in.--She has no Faith in Second Wives.--All adjourn to the
+     House of Mrs. Swipes.--General Fight of Tongues.--Mrs.
+     Swipes gives her Opinion.--A Dead Set by all upon Mrs.
+     Longbow.--Mrs. Longbow raps at the Door.--The Scene
+     changes.--Final Wind-up.                                           272
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII.
+
+     Appeal of Case Filkins _vs._ Beadle.--Turtle's Affidavit and
+     "P'ints."--Longbow's Return.--County Court.--Turtle opens
+     his Law "P'ints."--Bates replies.--A Fight.--Collateral
+     Ish-ers.--Squire Longbow present.--The Court sustains Squire
+     Longbow.--Turtle gets into a Passion.--Impanelling the
+     Jury.--Mr. Buzzlebaum leaves.--Mr. Tumbleton upsets
+     Ike.--Mr. Flummer is cut short bob off.--Ike opens to the
+     Jury.--The Trial.--Charge of the Court.--Jury retire.--Can't
+     agree.                                                             284
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII.
+
+     Amusements in Puddleford.--The Highland Fling.--A Fire-eater
+     comes next.--Runs a Sword down his Throat.--Starts his
+     Ribbon Factory.--Borrows Squire Longbow's Hat.--Boils Eggs
+     in it.--The Squire gets into a Passion.--The Grand Caravan
+     is posted.--Squire Longbow lectures on the Lion.--Bigelow
+     Van Slyck follows on the Ichneumon.--The Caravan
+     arrives.--Great Excitement.--Jim Buzzard still
+     himself.--Aunt Sonora in Trouble.--The Band blows away.--The
+     Canvas is raised.--Terrible Press of Puddlefordians.--The
+     Keeper shows up the Lion.--Explains why he has no Hair.--The
+     Ichneumon is found at last.--The Monkey Ride.--Breaking up.        309
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV.
+
+     The Tinkhams arrive.--Great Stir.--Miss Lavinia Longbow's
+     Head is turned.--Everybody in Love with the Tinkhams.--Wind
+     changes.--The Tinkhams fall.--The whole Pack out on
+     them.--They abandon the Settlement.                                337
+
+
+CHAPTER XXV.
+
+     And still New England.--Sui Generis.--Her Ruggedness the
+     Soil of Liberty.--The Contrast.--The New England
+     Conservative.--The New England Man of Business.--The West
+     has no Past.--_Fast_, and Hospitable.--Saxon Blood and Saxon
+     Spirit.                                                            346
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVI.
+
+     Spring at the West.--"Sugar Days."--Performances of the
+     Cattle.--April.--Advent of the Blue-Jays and the Crows.--The
+     Bluebirds, Phebes, and Robins.--April and its Inspiring
+     Days.--The Frogs and their Concerts.--Gophers, Squirrels,
+     Ants; Swallows, Brown-Threshers, and Blackbirds.--The
+     Swallows, the Martins, and the Advent of May.                      357
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVII.
+
+     A Railroad through Puddleford.--The Effect on Squire
+     Longbow.--Bright Prospects of Puddleford.--Change.--"The
+     Styleses."--The New Justice.--Aunt Sonora's Opinions.--Ike
+     Turtle grows too.--Venison disappears from among Men.--His
+     Grave and his Epitaph.                                             368
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII.
+
+     CONCLUSION.--The Philosophy of Puddleford.--Diverse Elements
+     in Pioneer Life.--Longbow and his Administration.--Not
+     Expensive.--Two Hundred a Year, all told.--What would Chief
+     Justice Marshall have done as Justice of
+     Puddleford?--Longbow a great Man.--Fame and Politics.--Ike,
+     a Wheel.--Puddleford Theology.--Camp-Meetings.--Who will do
+     Bigelow's Work better than Bigelow?--Great Happiness, and
+     few Nerves.--No "Society."--No Fashion in Clothes, or
+     anything else.--Bull's-Eye and Pinchbeck.--The Great Trade
+     didn't "Come Off."--Abounding Charity and
+     Hospitality.--Pilgrim Blood.--Longbow's.--Planting the
+     _Mud-Sills_.--Old Associations, how Controlling!--Good by,
+     Reader.                                                            372
+
+
+
+
+THE PUDDLEFORD PAPERS.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+     Puddleford.--Eagle Tavern.--Mr. and Mrs. Bulliphant.--May
+     Morning.--Birds.--Venison Styles.--General Character of
+     Society.--The Colonel.--Venison Styles' Cabin.
+
+
+The township of Puddleford was located in the far west, and was, and is,
+unknown, I presume, to a large portion of my readers. It has never been
+considered of sufficient importance by atlas-makers to be designated by
+them; and yet men, women, and children live and die in Puddleford. Its
+population helps make up the census of the United States every ten years;
+it helps make governors, congressmen, presidents. Puddleford does, and
+fails to do, a great many things, just like the "rest of mankind," and yet
+who knows and cares anything about Puddleford?
+
+Puddleford was well enough as a township of land, and beautiful was its
+scenery. It was spotted with bright, clear lakes, reflecting the trees that
+stooped over them; and straight through its centre flowed a majestic river,
+guarded by hills on either side. The village of Puddleford (there was a
+village of Puddleford, too) stood huddled in a gorge that opened up from
+the river; and through it, day and night, a little brook ran tinkling
+along, making music around the "settlement." The houses in Puddleford were
+very shabby indeed; I am very sorry to be compelled to make that fact
+public, but they were very shabby. Some were built of logs, and some of
+boards, and some were never exactly built at all, but came together through
+a combination of circumstances which the "oldest inhabitant" has never been
+able to explain. The log-houses were just like log-houses in every place
+else; for no person has yet been found with impudence enough to suggest an
+improvement. A pile of logs, laid up and packed in mud; a mammoth
+fireplace, with a chimney-throat as large; a lower story and a garret,
+connected in one corner by a ladder, called "Jacob's ladder," are its
+essentials. A few very ambitious persons in Puddleford had, it is true,
+attempted to build frame-houses, but there was never one entirely finished
+yet. Some of them had erected a frame only, when, their purses having
+failed, the enterprise was left at the mercy of the storms. Others had
+covered their frames; and one citizen, old Squire Longbow, had actually
+finished off two rooms; and this, in connection with the office of justice
+of the peace, gave him a standing and influence in the settlement almost
+omnipotent.
+
+The reader discovers, of course, that Puddleford was a very
+miscellaneous-looking place. It appeared unfinished, and ever likely to be.
+It did really seem that the houses, and cabins, and sheds, and pig-sties,
+had been sown up and down the gorge, as their owners sowed wheat. The only
+harmony about the place was the harmony of confusion.
+
+Puddleford had a population made up of all sorts of people, who had been,
+from a variety of causes, thrown together just there; and every person
+owned a number of dogs, so that it was very difficult to determine which
+were numerically the strongest, the inhabitants or the dogs. There were
+great droves of cows owned, too, which were in the habit of congregating
+every morning, and marching some miles to a distant marsh to feed to the
+jingle of the bells they wore on their necks.
+
+There was one public house at Puddleford. It was built of logs, with a long
+stoop running along its whole front, supported by trunks of trees roughly
+cut from the woods, and bark and knots were preserved in the full strength
+and simplicity of nature. Its bar-room was the resort of all the leading
+men of Puddleford, besides several ragged boys and these self-same dogs. It
+stood in the centre of the village, and announced itself to the public
+through a sign, upon which were painted a cock crowing and a spread eagle.
+The bar was fenced off in one corner of the room, and was supplied with
+three bottles of whiskey, called, according to their color, brandy, rum,
+and gin; but fly-tracks and dust had so completely covered them, that the
+kind of liquor was determined by the pledge of the landlord, that always
+passed current. There were also about a dozen mouldy crackers laid away on
+the shelf in a discarded cigar-box, intended more particularly for the
+travelling public. The walls of the bar-room were illuminated by a large
+menagerie advertisement, which was the only real display of the fine arts
+that ever entered the place. Upon a table, near the centre of the room,
+stood a backgammon and checker-board, which were in use from the rising
+sun to midnight. Pipes, crusted thick with soot, lay scattered about on the
+window-stools and chimney-shelf--old stubs that had seen service--and all
+over the floor rolled great quids of tobacco, ancient and modern, the
+creatures of yesterday and years ago; for the floor of the "Eagle
+Tavern"--such it was called--of Puddleford was never profaned by a broom,
+nor its windows with water. He who attempted to look out would have
+supposed there was an eternal fog in the streets.
+
+The ladies' parlor, belonging to the Eagle Tavern of Puddleford, was a very
+choice spot, and had been fitted up without regard to expense. Its floor
+was covered with a faded rag-carpet, and its walls were enlivened with a
+shilling print, showing forth Noah's Ark, and the animals entering therein.
+Any person who had an eye for the practical, could see just how Noah loaded
+his craft, as the picture brought out clearly a long plank thrown ashore,
+up which the animals were climbing. I have often thought that I never saw
+it rain so tremendously as it did in that picture. Near by hung a six-penny
+likeness of Washington, somewhat defaced, as some irreverent Puddleford boy
+had run his finger through the old general's eye, which detracted very much
+from the dignity of his expression. He looked rather funny with one eye
+cocked; and he felt, I presume--that is, if pictures can feel--just as
+funny as he looked.
+
+One advantage which the lodging-rooms of this tavern possessed ought not to
+be overlooked. They were lit up by the everlasting stars, and the tired
+traveller could go to sleep by the dancing rays that shot down through the
+crevices of the roof above.
+
+"Old Stub Bulliphant," as he was called, was, and had been for years,
+landlord of the "Eagle." He was about five feet high, and nearly as many in
+circumference. His eyes were of no particular color, although they were
+once. His eye-lashes had been scorched off by alcoholic fire; and nature,
+to keep up appearances, in a fit of desperation, substituted in their stead
+a binding of red, which looked like two little rainbows hanging upon a
+storm, for a rheumy water was continually running between them. His nose
+was very red, and his face was always in blossom, winter and summer. A pair
+of tow breeches and a red flannel shirt composed his wardrobe two thirds of
+the year. The truth is, the old fellow drank, and always drank, and he
+became, finally, preserved in spirits.
+
+Puddleford was not destitute of a church, not by any means. The
+"log-chapel," when I first became acquainted with the place, was an ancient
+building. It was erected at a period almost as early as the tavern--not
+quite--temporal wants pressing the early settlers closer than spiritual.
+
+This, precious reader, is a skeleton view of Puddleford, as it existed when
+I first knew it. Just out of this village, some time during the last ten
+years, I took possession of a large tract of land, called "Burr-oak
+Opening," that is, a wide, sweeping plain, thinly clad with burr-oaks. Few
+sights in nature are more beautiful. The eye roams over these parks
+unobstructed by undergrowth, the trees above, and the sleeping shadows on
+the grass below.
+
+The first time I looked upon this future home of mine, it lay calm and
+bright, bathed in the warm sun of a May morning, and filled with birds. The
+buds were just breaking into leaf, and the air was sweet with the wildwood
+fragrance of spring. Piles of mosses, soft as velvet, were scattered about.
+Wild violets, grouped in clusters, the white and red lupin, the mountain
+pink, and thousands of other tiny flowers, bright as sparks of fire,
+mingled in confusion. It was alive with birds; the brown thrasher, the
+robin, the blue-jay, poured forth their music to the very top of their
+lungs. The thrasher, with his brown dress and very quizzical look,
+absolutely revelled in a luxury of melody. He mocked all the birds about
+him. Now he was as good a blue-jay as blue-jay himself, and screamed as
+loud; but suddenly bouncing around on a limb, and slowly stretching out his
+wings, he died away in a most pathetic strain; then, darting into another
+tree, and turning his saucy eye inquisitively down, he rattled off a chorus
+or two, that I might know he was not so sad a fellow after all. Now, his
+soft, flute-like notes fairly melted in his throat; then he drew out a
+long, violin strain the whole length of his bow; then a blast on his
+trumpet roused all the birds. He was "everything by turns, and nothing
+long." After completing his performance, away he went, and his place, in a
+moment almost, was occupied by another, repeating the medley, for the whole
+wood was alive with them.
+
+Scores of blue-jays, in the tops of the trees, were picking away at the
+tender buds. The robin, that household bird, first loved by our children,
+was also here. Sitting alone and apart, in a reverie, and blowing
+occasionally his mellow pipe, he seemed to exist only for his own comfort,
+and to forget that he was one of the choristers of the wood. Woodpeckers
+were flitting hither and thither; troops of quails whistled in the
+distance; the oriole streamed out his bright light through the green
+branches; there was a winnowing of wings, a dashing of leaves, as birds
+came rushing in and out. It was their festival.
+
+This scene was heightened by the appearance of a hunter. He was a noble
+specimen of the physical man. Tall, brawny--a giant in strength--his form
+loomed up in the distance. He was attired with a red flannel "wamus," a
+leathern belt girt around his waist, deer-skin leggins and moccasons, and a
+white felt hat that ran up to a peak. His rifle and shot-pouch were slung
+around him, and a few fox-squirrels hung dangling on his belt. His whole
+figure exhibited a harmony of proportion, a majesty of combination,
+sometimes seen in Roman statues. As I approached him, his face fairly
+beamed with rustic intelligence and good nature, and the old man grasped me
+by the hand, and shook it as heartily as if he had known me a thousand
+years.
+
+"So you are the person," said Venison Styles,--for such I afterwards
+learned was the name he went by in the neighborhood,--"so you are the
+person that's come in here to settle, I s'pose--to cut down the trees and
+plough up this ere ground." I told him I was. "Well," said he, "so it goes;
+I have moved and moved, and I can't keep out of the way of these ploughs
+and axes. It was just as much as the deer, and beaver, and otter, _could_
+do, to stand them government surveyors that went tramping around among 'em,
+just as though they were going to be sold out wher-or-no. And then,"
+continued Styles, growing warmer, "they tried to form a thing they called a
+school _de_-strict about my ears; and then came a church, and they put a
+little bell on it, and that scart out the game. Game can't stand
+church-bells, stranger, they can't; they clears right out."
+
+I tried to soothe the old man's feelings, and among other things, advised
+him to give up his hunting and fishing, and settle down, and till the soil
+for a living.
+
+"What on airth does anybody want to till the soil for?" replied Styles.
+"What does the soil want _tilling_ for? Warn't the airth made right in the
+first place? The woods were filled with beast and bird, warn't they? and
+the whole face of natur covered with grass and wild fruits? and streams and
+lakes were scattered everywhere? Ain't there enough to eat, and drink, and
+wear, growing nat'ral in the woods? and what else does anybody want,
+stranger?"
+
+"Yes, but you are growing old, and your sight is dim, my friend," said I.
+
+"Old! dim! eyes bad! no! no! Venison Styles is good for twenty years yet. I
+don't take physic. There ain't no more use of taking such stuff, than there
+is of giving it to my dogs. 'Tain't nat'ral to take it, not no how. All a
+man wants in sickness is a little saxafax-tea, or something warmin' of that
+sort. Children are all spi'lt nowadays. Their heads and inards are crammed
+with physic and larning, and they ain't good for nothing. For my part, I
+hate physic, books, newspapers, and even the mail-carrier. None of my folks
+were troubled with larning; for, as near as I can tell, the old man (his
+father) died hunting game and furs down on the 'Hios, when it 'twas all
+woods there, and I never know'd of his writing or reading any."
+
+"Well, Venison," said I, "how long have you been around in these parts?"
+
+"Not mor-nor four or five years, or so about," answered Styles. "The game
+and I have kept running westard and westard, from civilization, as they
+call it, till I have travelled nigh on a thousand miles, or so. I used to
+hunt and trap way down on Erie, before them steamboats came a-snorting up,
+but when they came, they scart all the deer and everything out of the woods
+and streams; and then I left, too. This rifle," continued Styles, "this
+rifle has been along with me for forty years. I have eat and slept with it.
+I have worn out mor-nor twenty dogs--fairly _worn_ 'em out, and buried
+every one with a tear; and byme-by old Venison himself will go, but he is
+good on the track yet."
+
+I assented to much that was said by old Styles, and growing warmer the more
+interest I took in him, he rattled on about civilization--its effects, &c.,
+&c.; and, finally, looking into a tree, where a cluster of spring birds
+were singing, he turned to me, and pointing upward--"Do you hear that?" he
+exclaimed; "that music was made when the world was--them throats warn't
+tuned by any singing-master; they always keep in order. If men would only
+jist let natur alone, we could get along well enough. 'Tain't right to make
+any additions to natur. 'Tain't right to invent music, nor to mock the
+birds, nor cut down the woods, nor dam up the streams. It's all agin natur,
+the whole on't. The birds can't be improved on, and the streams and woods
+belong to the fish and game. They are their houses as much as my house is
+_my_ house. I always hated a saw-mill," continued Styles; "its very sound
+makes me mad. I never know'd a deer to stay within hearing of one. They
+roar away just as though they were going to tear down the whole forest,
+and pile it up into boards. I always try to keep out of their way." But I
+cannot give all the conversation of this eccentric genius of the forest,
+with me. He was one of a class of men who are hurried along by immigration,
+like clouds before the tempest. When the rays of improvement warmed Styles,
+he had pushed farther back into the shade. He was a connecting link between
+barbarism and civilization. One half of him was lit up with the light of
+the sturdy pioneers, who crowded in upon him from the east, and the other
+half stood dark and gloomy in savage solemnity. With all his antipathy to
+the society of the whites, he was their stanch friend, and in many ways was
+of great service. He became, as we shall see, one of my pleasantest
+companions, and I cannot help now declaring, that few men have taken such
+strong hold upon my affections as this same Venison Styles.
+
+The old man shouldered his rifle, and inviting me to "drop into his cabin,
+up the creek," bid me "good morning, stranger."
+
+Reader, such was the scene presented to my eye the day I first looked upon
+the piece of wild land upon which I finally settled and improved. I had
+just arrived from an eastern village, where I was born, and "brought up,"
+as the phrase is. A somewhat broken fortune and breaking health had driven
+me from it, with a moderate family, to seek a spot elsewhere; and I
+resolved to try the Great West, that paradise (if the word of people who
+never saw it is to be taken) where the surplus population of a portion of
+the world have found a home.
+
+The change was great. But great as it was, I resolved to endure it. So, at
+it I went. I procured "help," girdled the trees, put a breaking team of
+twelve yoke of cattle on the ground, tore it up, fenced the land, raised a
+log-house, and in the fall I had a crop of wheat growing, the withered oak
+trees standing guard over it. My family, consisting of a wife and three
+children, a boy of eight, and two girls of twelve and ten, were removed to
+their new quarters, and I had thus fairly begun the world again, and all
+things were as new about me as if I had just been born into it.
+
+During the summer, I had an opportunity of studying the general character
+of the inhabitants of Puddleford, and its surrounding country population.
+Like most western settlements, it was made up of all kinds of materials,
+all sorts of folks, holding every opinion. More than a dozen states had
+contributed to make up its people. Society was exceedingly miscellaneous.
+The keen Yankee, the obstinate Pennsylvanian, and the reckless Southerner
+were there. Each one of these persons had brought along with him his early
+habits and associations--his own views of business, law, and religion. When
+thrown together on public questions, this composition boiled up like a
+mixture of salts and soda. Factions, of course, were formed among those
+whose early education and habits were congenial; divisions were created,
+and a war of prejudice and opinion went on from month to month, and year to
+year. The New England Yankee stood about ten years ahead of the
+Pennsylvania German in all his ideas of progress, while the latter stood
+back, dogged and sullen, attached to the customs of his fathers. Another
+general feature consisted in this, that there was no permanency to society.
+The inhabitants were constantly changing, pouring out and in, like the
+waters of a river, so that a complete revolution took place every four or
+five years. Everybody who remained in Puddleford expected to remove
+somewhere else very soon. They were merely sojourners, not residents. There
+was no attachment to, or veneration for, the past of Puddleford, because
+Puddleford had no past. The ties of memory reached to older states. There
+stood the church that sheltered the infant years of Puddleford's
+population, and there swung the bell that tolled their fathers and fathers'
+fathers to the tomb. There was the long line of graves, running back a
+hundred years, where the sister of yesterday, and the ancestor whose
+virtues were only known through tradition, were buried. There tottered the
+old homestead which had passed through the family for generations, filled
+with heirlooms that had become sacred. The school-house was there, where
+the village boys shouted together. Looking back from a new country, where
+all is confusion, to an old one, where figures have the stability of a
+painting, objects which were once trivial start out upon the canvas in
+bolder relief. The venerable, gray-headed pastor, who appeared regularly in
+the village pulpit for half a century, to impart the word of life, rises in
+the memory, and stands fixed there, like a statue. The quaint cut of his
+coat, the neat tie of his neckcloth, the spectacles resting on the tip of
+his nose, his hums and haws, his eye of reproof, his gestures of vengeance,
+are now living things--are preaching still. We see again the changing
+crowd, that year after year went in and out of that holy place; the spot
+where the old deacon sat, his head resting on a pillar, his tranquil face
+turned upward, his mouth open, enjoying a doze as he listened to the
+sermon. We recollect the gay bridal, the solemn funeral, the buoyant face
+of the one, the still, cold one of the other. We even remember the lame old
+sexton, who rang the bell and went limping up to the burying-ground, with a
+spade upon his shoulder. Even _he_, of no consequence when seen every day,
+is transformed by distance, and mellowed by memory, into a real being. And
+then there are the hills, and streams, and waterfalls, that shed their
+music through our boyish souls, until they became a part of our very
+existence. No man ever lived who entirely forgot these things, suppressed
+though they might be by the cares and anxieties of maturer years. And no
+circumstance so likely to bring them all up, glowing afresh, as a removal
+to a new country. Of course, no one was attached to Puddleford, as a
+locality, any more than the wandering Arab is attached to the particular
+spot where he pitches his tent and feeds his camels.
+
+Another general feature seemed to be the _strange character_ of a large
+part of the population. Puddleford was filled with bankrupts, who had fled
+from their eastern creditors, anxious for peace of mind and bread enough to
+eat. Like decayed vessels, that had been tempest-tossed and finally
+condemned, these hulks seemed to be lying up in ordinary in the wilderness.
+Puddleford was to that class a kind of hospital. This man, upon inquiry, I
+found had rolled in luxury, but a turn in flour one day blew him sky-high.
+Another failed on a land speculation. Another bought more goods than he
+paid for. Another had been mixed up in a fraud. Another had been actually
+guilty of crime. The farming community were generally free from these
+charges; but Puddleford proper was not.
+
+The "Colonel," as we called him, was a fair specimen of the bankrupt class.
+He was one of those unfortunate beings who was well enough started in the
+world; but after having been tossed and buffeted around by his own
+extravagance, he was finally driven into the forest. He was educated,
+polished, proud, and poor. He had sunk two or three fortunes, earned by
+somebody else, chasing pleasure around the world. His reputation having
+become soiled, and his pockets emptied, he concluded--to use his own
+language--to "hide himself from his enemies and die a kind of civil death."
+"Men," said the Colonel, "are naturally robbers, and it is safer to run
+than fight with them." I have heard him declare, in a jocose way, that he
+was the most "injured man living; for the whole human family," he said,
+"set to and picked his pockets, and now the public ought to support him."
+He said, "he couldn't see why the government didn't pass laws for the
+relief of cases like his; for a government is good for nothing that fails
+to support its people. Starvation in a republic would be a disgrace, and
+ought not to be permitted." The Colonel said "there was no use in fighting
+destiny--no one man _can_ do it--and it was his destiny to be poor." He
+said he "had no place to remove to, and that he couldn't get there if he
+had;" that he was "like an old pump that needs a pail of water thrown in
+every time it is used to set it a-going."
+
+The Colonel resided in the village of Puddleford. His family was composed
+of a wife and two daughters, a couple of dashing girls, who looked like
+birds of fine plumage that had been driven by a storm beyond their
+latitude. His household furniture was made up of the fag-ends of this and
+that, which had somehow escaped a half a dozen sheriff's sales. His family
+wardrobe had been rescued in the same way, and contained all the fashions
+of the last twenty-five years. Here and there were scattered some plain
+articles of western manufacture, by way of contrast. Three shilling chairs
+stood on a faded Brussels carpet; an unpainted white-wood table supported a
+silver tea-set; thus, the faded splendor of the past contrasted with the
+rustic simplicity of the present. One thing I must not overlook: the
+Colonel had an old tattered carriage that had followed him through good and
+evil report, his ups and downs of life. I have often been amused to see it
+roll along with a melancholy air of superiority, putting on the face of a
+good man in affliction. It was drawn by two diminutive Indian ponies, who
+would turn and look wildly at the antiquated thing, as if apprehensive of
+danger.
+
+The Colonel kept an office, and pretended to act as a kind of land agent,
+and agent for insurance companies, and so on. He was never known to pay a
+debt; it being against his principles, as he used to say: besides, he said
+"his note would last a man ten times as long as the money; and they were
+not very uncurrent neither; for the justice of the peace at Puddleford had
+taken a very great many of them, and passed his judgment upon them for
+their full face."
+
+But I will not go into particulars with the Puddlefordians at present.
+During the summer my acquaintance with Venison Styles had ripened into a
+deeper affection for the old hunter. I accepted his invitation to visit
+him, and found him sheltered in the depths of the forest, and nestled in a
+valley, his hut, overshadowed by great trees, which were filled with birds
+pouring forth their songs. A little brook tinkled down the slope by his
+hut, singing all kinds of woodland tunes, as the breeze swelled and died
+along its banks. The squirrels were chatting their nonsense, and the
+rolling drum of the partridge was heard almost at his very door.
+
+Venison was a hunter, a fisher, and a trapper. The inside walls of his
+cabin were hung about with rifles, shot-guns, and fishing-rods, which had
+been accumulating for years. Deer-horns and skins lay scattered here and
+there, the trophies of the chase. Seines for lakes, and scoop-nets for
+smaller streams, were drying outside upon the trees.
+
+Venison kept around him a brood of lazy, lounging, good-for-nothing boys,
+of all ages, about half-clothed, who followed the business of their father.
+This young stock were growing up as he had grown, to occupy somewhere their
+father's position, and lead his life. They lived just as well as the
+hounds, for all stood on an equality in the family. These ragamuffins were
+perfect masters of natural history. There was not an instinct or
+peculiarity belonging to the denizens of the woods and streams which they
+did not perfectly understand. They seemed to have penetrated the secrecy of
+animal life, and fathomed it throughout. Birds, and beasts, and fish were
+completely within their power; and there was a kind of matter-of-course
+success with them in their capture that was absolutely provoking to a
+civilized hunter.
+
+It was of no importance where Venison Styles' boys made their home, or
+under what particular roof. Their home was mainly a depot for their
+fishing-tackles, guns, and game. They roamed away weeks at a time, fifty
+miles off, up this stream and that, over many a lake, and camped out
+nights, feeding upon their plunder; and Venison felt no more concern about
+them than he did about the deer, who indeed were not much wilder than they.
+They were as hard as flints, sharp on the chase, happy in their wild,
+wayward-life, and generally managed to trap and kill just enough to be
+self-supporting, and keep soul and body together.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+     Lawsuit: Filkins against Beadle.--Squire Longbow and his
+     Court.--Puddleford assembled.--Why Squire Longbow was a
+     Great Man.--Ike Turtle and Sile Bates, Pettifoggers.--Mrs.
+     Sonora Brown.--Uproar and Legal Opinions.--Seth
+     Bolles.--Miss Eunice Grimes.--Argument to Jury, and Verdict.
+
+
+My intercourse with the inhabitants of Puddleford had been frequent during
+the summer, and my acquaintance with them had now become quite general. One
+morning, in the month of September, I was visited by a constable, who very
+authoritatively served upon me a venire, which commanded me to be and
+appear before Jonathan Longbow, at his office in the village of Puddleford,
+at one o'clock P. M., to serve as a juryman in a case, then and there to be
+tried, between Philista Filkins, plaintiff, and Charity Beadle, defendant,
+in an action of slander, etc. The constable remarked, after reading this
+threatening legal epistle to me, that I had better "be up to time, as
+Squire Longbow was a man who would not be trifled with," and then leisurely
+folding it up, and pushing it deep down in his vest-pocket, he mounted his
+horse, and hurried away in pursuit of the balance of the panel. Of course,
+I could not think of being guilty of a contempt of court, after having been
+so solemnly warned of the consequences, and I was therefore promptly on the
+spot, according to command.
+
+Squire Longbow held his court at the public house, in a room adjoining the
+bar-room, because the statute prohibited his holding it in the bar-room
+itself. He was a law-abiding man, and would not violate a statute. I found,
+on my arrival, that the whole country, for miles around, had assembled to
+hear this interesting case. Men, women, and children had turned out, and
+made a perfect holiday of it. All were attired in their best. The men were
+dressed in every kind of fashion, or, rather, all the fashions of the last
+twenty years were scattered through the crowd. Small-crown, steeple-crown,
+low-crown, wide-brim, and narrow-brim hats; wide-tail, stub-tail, and
+swallow-tail, high-collar, and low-collar coats; bagging and shrunken
+breeches; every size and shape of shirt-collar were there, all brought in
+by the settlers when they immigrated. The women had attempted to ape the
+fashions of the past. Some of them had mounted a "bustle" about the size of
+a bag of bran, and were waddling along under their load with great
+satisfaction. Some of the less ambitious were reduced to a mere bunch of
+calico. One man, I noticed, carried upon his head an old-fashioned,
+bell-crowned hat, with a half-inch brim, a shirt-collar running up tight
+under his ears, tight enough to lift him from the ground (this ran out in
+front of his face to a peak, serving as a kind of cutwater to his nose), a
+faded blue coat of the genuine swallow-tail breed, a pair of narrow-fall
+breeches that had passed so often through the wash-tub, and were so
+shrunken, that they appeared to have been strained on over his limbs: this
+individual, reader, was walking about, with his hands in his pockets,
+perfectly satisfied, whistling Yankee Doodle, and other patriotic airs.
+Most of the women had something frizzled around their shoes, which were
+called pantalets, giving their extremities the appearance of the legs of so
+many bantam hens.
+
+The men were amusing themselves pitching coppers and quoits, running
+horses, and betting upon the result of the trial to come off, as every one
+was expected to form some opinion of the merits of the case.
+
+The landlord of the Eagle was of course very busy. He bustled about, here
+and there, making the necessary preparations. Several pigs and chickens had
+gone the way of all flesh, and were baking and stewing for the table. About
+once a quarter "Old Stub" "moistened his clay," as he called it, with a
+little "rye," so as to "keep his blood a-stirring." _Mrs._ "Stub
+Bulliphant" was busy too. _She_ was a perfect whirlwind; her temper was
+made of tartaric acid. Her voice might be heard above the confusion around
+giving directions to one, and a "piece of her mind" to another. She _was_
+the landlady of the Eagle beyond all doubt, and no one else. Better die
+than doubt that.
+
+"Bulliphant!" screamed she, at the top of her lungs, "Bulliphant, you great
+lout, you! what in the name of massy sakes are you about? No fire! no wood!
+no water in! How, in all created natur, do you s'pose a woman can get
+dinner? Furi_a_tion alive, why don't you speak? Sally Ann! I say, Sally
+_Ann_! come right here this minute! Go down cellar, and get a jug of
+butter, some milk, and then--I say, Sally Ann!--do you hear me, Sally
+Ann?--go out to the barn and--run! run! you careless hussy, to the stove!
+the pot's boiling over!"
+
+And so the old woman's tongue ran on hour after hour.
+
+At a little past one, the court was convened. A board placed upon two
+barrels across the corner of the room, constituted the desk of Squire
+Longbow, behind which his honor's solitary dignity was caged. Pettifoggers
+and spectators sat outside. This was very proper, as Squire Longbow was a
+great man, and some mark of distinction was due. Permit me to describe him.
+He was a little, pot-bellied person, with a round face, bald head, swelled
+nose, and had only one eye, the remains of the other being concealed with a
+green shade. He carried a dignity about him that was really oppressive to
+by-standers. He was the "end of the law" in Puddleford; and no man could
+sustain a reputation who presumed to appeal from his decisions. He settled
+accounts, difficulties of all sorts, and even established land-titles; but
+of all things, he prided himself upon his knowledge of constitutional
+questions. The Squire always maintained that hard drinking was "agin" the
+Constitution of the United States, "and so," he said, "Judge Story once
+informed him by letter when he applied to him for aid in solving this
+question." "There is no such thing as slander," the Squire used to say,
+"and so he had always decided, as every person who lied about another, knew
+he ought not to be believed, because he _was_ lying, and therefore the
+'_quar-animer_,' as the books say, is wanting." (This looked rather bad for
+"Filkins's" case.) Sometimes Squire Longbow rendered judgments, sometimes
+decrees, and sometimes he divided the cause between both parties. The
+Squire said he "never could submit to the letter of the law; it was agin'
+personal liberty; and so Judge Story decided." "Pre-_ce_-dents", as they
+were called, he wouldn't mind, not even his own; because then there
+wouldn't be any room left for a man to change his mind. "If," said the
+Squire, "for instance, I fine Pet. Sykes to-day for knocking down Job
+Bluff, that is no reason why I should fine Job Bluff to-morrow for knocking
+down Pet. Sykes, because they are entirely different persons. Human natur'
+ain't the same." "Contempt of court," the Squire often declared, "was the
+worst of all offences. He didn't care so much about what might be said
+agin' Jonathan Longbow, but _Squire_ Longbow, Justice of the Peace, must
+and should be protected;" and it was upon this principle that he fined
+Phil. Beardsley ten dollars for contradicting him in the street.
+
+"Generally," the Squire says, "he renders judgment for the plaintiff,"
+because he never issues a process without hearing his story, and
+determining the merits. "And don't the plaintiff know more about his rights
+than all the witnesses in the world?" "And even where he has a jury," the
+Squire says, "that it is his duty to apply the law to the facts, and the
+facts to the law, so that they may avoid any illegal verdict."
+
+The court, as I said, was convened. The Squire took his seat, opened his
+docket, and lit his pipe. He then called the parties:--
+
+"Philista Filkins!" "Charity Beadle!"
+
+"Here," cried a backwoods pettifogger, "I'm for Philista Filkins; am always
+on hand at the tap of the drum, like a thousand of brick."
+
+This man was a character; a pure specimen of a live western pettifogger. He
+was called Ike Turtle. He was of the snapping-turtle breed. He wore a white
+wool-hat; a bandana cotton-handkerchief around his neck; a horse-blanket
+vest, with large horn-buttons; and corduroy pantaloons; and he carried a
+bull's-eye watch, from which swung four or five chains across his breast.
+
+"Who answers for Charity Beadle?" continued the Squire.
+
+"I answer for myself," squeaked out Charity; "I hain't got any counsel,
+'cause he's on the jury."
+
+"On the jury, ha! Your counsel's on the jury! Sile Bates, I suppose.
+Counsel is guaranteed by the Constitution--it's a personal right--let Sile
+act as your counsel, then."
+
+And so Sile stepped out in the capacity of counsel.
+
+"Charity Beadle!" exclaimed the Squire, drawing out his pipe and laying it
+on his desk, "stand up and raise your right hand!"
+
+Charity arose.
+
+"You are charged with slandering Philista Filkins, with saying, 'She warn't
+no better than she ought to be;' and if you were believed when you said so,
+it is my duty, as a peace-officer, to say to you that you have been guilty
+of a high offence, and may the Lord have mercy on your soul. What do you
+say?"
+
+"Not guilty, Squire Longbow, by an eternal sight, and told the truth, if we
+are," replied Bates. "Besides, we plead a set-off."
+
+"I say 'tis false! you are!" cried Philista, at the top of her lungs.
+
+"Silence!" roared Longbow; "the dignity of this court shall be preserved."
+
+"Easy, Squire, a little easy," grumbled a voice in the crowd, proceeding
+from one of Philista's friends; "never speak to a woman in a passion."
+
+"I fine that man one dollar for contempt of court, who_ever_ he is!"
+exclaimed the Squire, as he stood upon tiptoe, trying to catch the offender
+with his eye.
+
+"I guess 'twarn't nothing but the wind," said Bates.
+
+The Squire took his seat, put his pipe in his mouth, and blew out a long
+whiff of smoke.
+
+"Order being restored, let the case now proceed," he exclaimed.
+
+Ike opened his case to the jury. He said Philista Filkins was a maiden lady
+of about forty; some called her an _old_ maid, but that warn't so, not by
+several years; her teeth were as sound as a nut, and her hair as black as a
+crow. She was a nurse, and had probably given more lobelia, pennyroyal,
+catnip, and other roots and herbs, to the people of Puddleford, than all
+the rest of the women in it. Of course she was a kind of _peramrulary_
+being. (The Squire here informed the jury that _peramrulary_ was a legal
+word, which he would fully explain in his charge.) That is, she was obliged
+to be out a great deal, night and day, and in consequence thereof, Charity
+Beadle had slandered her, and completely ruined her reputation, and broken
+up her business to the damage of ten dollars.
+
+Bates told the court that he had "no jurisdiction in an action of slander."
+
+Longbow advised Bates not to repeat the remark, as "that was a kind of
+contempt."
+
+Some time had elapsed in settling preliminaries, and at last the cause was
+ready.
+
+"We call Sonora Brown!" roared out Ike, at the top of his lungs.
+
+"No, you don't," replied the Squire. "This court is adjourned for fifteen
+minutes; all who need refreshment will find it at the bar in the next room;
+but don't bring it in here; it might be agin' the statute."
+
+And so the court adjourned for fifteen minutes.
+
+There was a rush to the bar-room, and old Stub Bulliphant rolled around
+among his whiskey bottles like a ship in a storm. Almost every person drank
+some, judging from the remarks, "to wet their whistle;" others, "to keep
+their stomach easy;" some "to Filkins;" others, "to Beadle," etc., etc.
+
+Court was at last convened again.
+
+"Sonora Brown!" roared Ike again.
+
+"Object!" exclaimed Sile; "no witness; hain't lived six months in the
+state."
+
+Squire Longbow slowly drew his pipe from his mouth, and fixed his eyes on
+the floor in deep thought for several minutes.
+
+"Hain't lived six months in the state," repeated he, at last; "ain't no
+resident, of course, under our Constitution."
+
+"And how, in all created airth, would you punish such a person for perjury?
+I should just like to know," continued Sile, taking courage from the
+Squire's perplexed state of mind; "our laws don't bind residents of other
+states."
+
+"But it isn't certain Mrs. Brown will lie, because she is a non-resident,"
+added the Squire, cheering up a little.
+
+"Well, very well, then," said Sile, ramming both hands into his
+breeches-pocket very philosophically; "go ahead, if you wish, subject to my
+objection. I'll just appeal, and blow this court into fiddle-strings! This
+cause won't breathe three times in the circuit! We won't be rode over; we
+know our rights, I just kinder rather think."
+
+"Go it, Sile!" cried a voice from the crowd; "stand up for your rights, if
+you bust!"
+
+"Silence!" exclaimed Squire Longbow.
+
+Ike had sat very quietly, inasmuch as the Squire had been leaning in his
+favor; but Sile's last remark somewhat intimidated his honor.
+
+"May it please your honor," said Ike, rising, "we claim there is no proof
+of Mrs. Brown's residency; your honor hain't got nothing but Sile Bates's
+say so, and what's that good for in a court of justice? I wouldn't believe
+him as far as you could swing a cat by the tail."
+
+"I'm with you on that," cried another voice.
+
+"Silence! put that man out!" roared Longbow again.
+
+But just as Ike was sitting down, an inkstand was hurled at him by Sile,
+which struck him on his shoulder, and scattered its contents over the
+crowd. Several missiles flew back and forth; the Squire leaped over his
+table, crying out at the top of his lungs,--
+
+"In the name of the people of the State of ----, I, Jonathan Longbow,
+Justice of the Peace, duly elected and qualified, do command you."
+
+When, at last, order was restored, the counsel took their seats, and the
+Squire retired into his box again.
+
+[Illustration: THE JUSTICE'S COURT OF PUDDLEFORD.
+
+The testimony of Sonora Brown, the witness who "didn't know anything worth
+tellin' on:" and who "warn't used to lawsuits, and didn't know how to
+swear."--Page 42.]
+
+Sonora Brown was then called for the third time. She was an old lady, with
+a pinched-up black bonnet, a very wide ruffle to her cap, through which the
+gray hairs strayed. She sighed frequently and heavily. She said she didn't
+know as she knew "anything worth telling on." She didn't know "anything
+about lawsuits, and didn't know how to swear." After running on with a long
+preliminary about herself, growing warmer and warmer, the old lady came to
+the case under much excitement. She said "she never did see such works in
+all her born days. Just because Charity Beadle said 'Philista Filkins
+warn't no better than she ought to be,' there was _such_ a hullabalu and
+kick-up, enough to set all natur crazy!"
+
+"Why la! sus me!" continued she, turning round to the Squire, "do _you_
+think this such a dre'ful thing, that all the whole town has got to be set
+together by the ears about it? Mude-_ra_-tion! what a humdrum and flurry!"
+
+And then the old lady stopped and took a pinch of snuff, and pushed it up
+very hard and quick into her nose.
+
+Ike requested Mrs. Brown not to talk so fast, and only answer such
+questions as he put to her.
+
+"Well, now, that's nice," she continued. "Warn't I sworn, or was't you? and
+to tell the truth, too, and the _whole_ truth. I warn't sworn to answer
+your questions. Why, maybe, you don't know, Mr. Pettifogger, that there are
+folks in state's prison _now_ for lying in a court of justice?"
+
+Squire Longbow interfered, and stated that "he must say that things were
+going on very 'promis'cusly,' quite agin the peace and dignity of the
+state."
+
+"Just so I think myself," added Mrs. Brown. "This place is like a
+town-meeting, for all the world."
+
+"Mrs. So-_no_-ra Brown!" exclaimed Ike, rising on his feet, a little
+enraged, "do you know anything about what Charity Beadle said about
+Philista Filkins? Answer _this_ question."
+
+"Whew! fiddle-de-dee! highty-tighty! so you have really broke loose, Mr.
+Pettifogger," for now the old lady's temper _was_ up. "Why, didn't you know
+I was old enough to be your grandmother? Why, my boy," continued she,
+hurrying on her spectacles, and taking a long look at Ike, "I know'd your
+mother when she made cakes and pies down in the _Jar_seys; and _you_ when
+you warn't more than _so_ high;" and she measured about two feet high from
+the floor. "You want me to _answer_, do you? I told you all I know'd about
+it; and if you want anything more, I guess you'll have to get it, that's
+all;" and, jumping up, she left the witness-stand, and disappeared in the
+crowd.
+
+"I demand an attachment for Sonora Brown!" roared out Ike, "an absconding
+witness!"
+
+"Can't do it," replied the Squire; "it's agin the Constitution to deprive
+anybody of their liberty an unreasonable length of time. This witness has
+been confined here by process of law morn-a-nour. Can't do it! Be guilty of
+trespass! Must stick to the Constitution. Call your next witness."
+
+Ike swore. The Squire fined him one dollar. He swore again. The Squire
+fined him another. The faster the Squire fined, the faster the oaths rolled
+out of Ike's mouth, until the Squire had entered ten dollars against him.
+Ike swore again, and the Squire was about to record the _eleventh_ dollar,
+but Ike checked him.
+
+"Hold on! hold on! you _old reprobate_! now I've got you! now you are
+mine!" exclaimed he. "You are up to the limit of the law! You cannot
+inflict only ten dollars in fines in any one case! Now stand and take it!"
+
+And such a volley of oaths, cant phrases, humor, wrath, sarcasm, and fun,
+sometimes addressed to the Squire, sometimes to the audience, and sometimes
+to his client, never rolled out of any other man's mouth since the flood.
+He commenced with the history of the Squire, when, as he said, "he was _a_
+rafting lumber down on the Susque_hanna_;" and he followed him up from that
+time. "He _could_ tell the reason why he came west, but wouldn't." He
+commented on his personal appearance, and his capacity for the office of
+justice. He told him "he hadn't only one eye, any way, and he couldn't be
+expected to see a great way into a mill-stone; and he didn't believe he had
+as many brains as an 'ister. For his part, _he_ knew the law; he had
+ransacked every part of the statute, as a glutton would Noah's Ark for the
+remnant of an eel; he had digested it from Dan to Beersheba; swallowed
+everything but the title-page and cover, and would have swallowed that if
+he warn't mortal; he was a living, moving law himself; when he said 'law
+_was_ law, _'twas_ law;' better 'peal anything up from predestination than
+from his opinion! he would follow this case to the backside of sundown for
+his rights!"
+
+During all this time there was a complete uproar. Philista's friends
+cheered and hurrahed; the dogs in the room set up their barking; Beadle's
+friends groaned, and squealed, and bellowed, and whimpered, and imitated
+all the domestic animals of the day, while the Squire was trying at the top
+of his lungs to compel the constable to commit Ike for contempt.
+
+Ike closed and sat down. The Squire called for the constable, but he was
+not to be found. One man told him that "he was in the next room pitching
+coppers;" another, that the last time he saw him "he was running very
+fast;" another, that "he rather guessed he'd be back some time another, if
+he ever was, because he was a sworn officer;" another asked the Squire
+"what he'd give to have him _catched_?" but no constable appeared; he had
+put himself out the way to escape the storm.
+
+A long silence followed this outburst; not a word was said, and scarcely a
+noise heard. Every one was eagerly looking at the Squire for his next
+movement. Ike kept his eyes on the floor, apparently in a deep study. At
+last he arose.
+
+"Squire," said he, "we've been under something of a press of steam for the
+last half 'our; I move we adjourn fifteen minutes for a drink."
+
+"Done," answered the Squire; and so the court adjourned for a second time.
+
+It was now nearly dark, when the court convened again. The trial of the
+cause, Filkins _vs._ Beadle, was resumed.
+
+Seth Bolles was called. Seth was a broad-backed, double-fisted fellow, with
+a blazing red face, and he chewed tobacco continually. He was about two
+thirds "over the bay," and didn't care for all the Filkinses or Beadles in
+the world.
+
+"Know Filkins and Beadle?" inquired Ike.
+
+"Know 'em? thunder, yes."
+
+"How long?"
+
+"Ever sin' the year one."
+
+"Ever heard Beadle say anything about Filkins?"
+
+"Heard her say she thought she run'd too much arter Elik Timberlake."
+
+"Anything, Seth, about Filkins' character?"
+
+"Now what do you 'spose I know about Filkins' character? Much as I can do
+to look arter my own wimmin."
+
+"But have you heard _Beadle say_ anything about Filkins' character?"
+
+"Heard her say once she was a good enough-er-sort-a body when she was
+a-mind-er-be."
+
+"Anything else?"
+
+"Shan't answer; hain't had my regular fees paid as witness."
+
+Squire Longbow informed Seth that he must answer.
+
+"Shan't do it, not so long as my name is Bolles."
+
+The Squire said he would commit him.
+
+"W-h-e-w!" drawled out Bolles, stooping down, and putting his arms a-kimbo,
+as he gave the Squire a long look straight in the eye.
+
+"Order! order!" exclaimed the Squire.
+
+"Whew! whew! whew _uo-uo-uo_! who's afraid of a justice of the peace?"
+screamed Seth, jumping up about a foot, and squirting out a gill of
+tobacco-juice, as he struck the floor.
+
+Seth's fees were paid him, at last, and the question was again put, if he
+heard "Beadle say anything else?" and he said "_he never did_;" and thus
+ended Seth's testimony.
+
+Miss Eunice Grimes was next called. She came sailing forward, and threw
+herself into the chair with a kind of jerk. She took a few sidelong glances
+at Charity Beadle, which told, plainly enough, that she meant to make a
+finish of her in about five minutes. She was a vinegar-faced old maid, and
+her head kept bobbing, and her body kept hitching, and now she pulled her
+bonnet this way, and now that. She finally went out of the fretting into
+the languishing mood, and declared she "_should_ die if somebody didn't get
+her a glass of water."
+
+When she became composed, Ike inquired if "she knew Charity Beadle?"
+
+"Yes! I know her to be an orful critter!"
+
+"What has she done?"
+
+"What hain't she? She's lied about me, and about Elder Dobbin's folks, and
+said how that when the singing-master boarded at our house, she seed lights
+in the sitting-room till past three--the orful critter!"
+
+"But what have you heard her say about Philista Filkins?"
+
+"O! everything that's bad. She don't never say anything that's good 'bout
+nobody. She's allers talking. There ain't nobody in the settlement she
+hain't slandered. She even abused old Deacon Snipes' horse--the orful
+critter!"
+
+"But what did she say about _Philista Filkins_?" repeated Ike again.
+
+"What do you want me to say she said? I hain't got any doubt she's called
+her everything she could think on. Didn't she, Philist_y_?" she continued,
+turning her head towards the plaintiff.
+
+Philista nodded.
+
+"Did she say she warn't no better than she ought to be?"
+
+"Did she? well, she did, and that very few people were."
+
+"Stop! stop!" exclaimed Ike, "you talk too fast! I guess she didn't say
+_all_ that."
+
+"She did, for Philista told me so; and she wouldn't lie for the whole race
+of Beadles."
+
+Squire Longbow thought Eunice had better retire, as she didn't seem to know
+much about the case.
+
+She said she knew as much about it as anybody; she want "going to be
+abused, trod upon; and no man was a man that would insult a poor woman;"
+and bursting into tears of rage, she twitched out of her chair, and went
+sobbing away.
+
+Philista closed, and Sile stated, in his opening to the court on the part
+of the defence, that this was a "_little_ the smallest case he ever _had_
+seen." His client stood out high and dry; she stood up like Andes looking
+down on a potato-hill; he didn't propose to offer scarcely any proof; and
+that little was by way of set-off--tongue against tongue--according to the
+statute in such case made and provided; he hoped the court would examine
+the law for himself. (Here Sile unrolled a long account against Philista,
+measuring some three feet, and held it up to the Squire and jury.) This, he
+said, was a reg'lar statement of the slanderous words used by Philista
+Filkins agin Charity Beadle for the last three years, with the damage
+annexed; everything had been itemized, and kept in tip-top style; all in
+black and white, just as it happened. Sile was about reading this
+formidable instrument, when Ike objected.
+
+"That can't be _did_ in this 'ere court!" exclaimed Ike; "the light of
+civilization has shed itself a little _too_ thick for _that_. This court
+might just as well try to swallow a chestnut-burr, or a cat, tail foremost,
+as to get such a proposition a-down its throat."
+
+Squire Longbow said he'd "never heer'd of such law--yet the question was
+new to him."
+
+"Laid down in all the law-books of the nineteenth century!" exclaimed Sile,
+"and never heard on't!"
+
+"Never did."
+
+"Why," continued Sile, "the statute allows set-off where it is of the same
+natur of the action. This, you see, is slander agin slander."
+
+"True," replied the Squire.
+
+"True, did you say!" exclaimed Ike. "_You_ say the statute _does_ allow
+slander to be set off; _our_ statute--that statute that I learned by heart
+before I knew my A B C's--you old bass-wood headed son--" But the Squire
+stopped Ike just at this time. "We will decide the question first," he
+said. "The court have made no decision yet."
+
+Squire Longbow was in trouble. He smoked furiously. He examined the
+statutes, looked over his docket, but he did not seem to get any light.
+Finally, a lucky thought struck him. He saw old Mr. Brown in the crowd, who
+had the reputation of having once been a justice in the State of New York.
+The Squire arose and beckoned to him, and both retired to an adjoining
+room. After about a half an hour, the Squire returned and took his seat,
+and delivered his opinion. Here it is:--
+
+"After an examination of all the p'ints both for and agin the 'lowing of
+the set-off, in which the court didn't leave no stone unturned to get at
+justice, having ransacked some half a dozen books from eend to eend, and
+noted down everything that anywise bore on the subject; recollecting, as
+the court well doz, what the great Story, who's now dead and gone, done and
+writ 'bout this very thing (for we must be 'lowed to inform this 'sembly
+that we read Story in our juvenil' years); having done this, and refreshing
+_our_ minds with the testimony, and keeping in our eye the rights of
+parties--right-er liberty, and right-er speech, back'ards and for'ards--for
+I've as good a right to talk agin you, as you have to talk agin
+me--knowing, as the court doz, how much blood has been shed 'cause folks
+wern't 'lowed to talk as much as they pleased, making all natur groan, the
+court is of the opinion that the set-off must be let in; and such is also
+Squire Brown's opinion, and nobody will contradict that, _I know_."
+
+"Je-_hos_-a-phat!" groaned out Ike, drawing one of his very longest
+breaths. "The _great_ Je-_mi_-ma Wilkinson! and so that _is_ law, arter
+all! There's my hat, Squire," Ike continued, as he arose and reached it out
+to him; "and you shall have my _gallusses_ as soon as I can get at 'em."
+
+The Squire said "the dignity of the court must be preserved."
+
+"Of course it must! of course it must!" replied Ike, who was growing very
+philosophical over the opinion of the Squire; "there ain't no friction on
+my gudgeons _now_; I always gins in to reg'lar opinions, delivered upon
+consideration; I was just thinking, though, Squire, that as their bill is
+so much the longest, and as the parties are both here, Charity had better
+let her tongue loose upon my client, and take out the balance on the spot."
+
+The Squire said "the cause must go on." Sile read his set-off, made up of
+slanderous words alleged to have been used; damages fifty dollars; and
+calling Charity herself, upon the principle, as he said, "that it was a
+book-account, and her books were evidence; and her books having been lost,
+the paper which he held, and which was a true copy--_for he made it out
+himself_--was the next best evidence; all of which Charity would swear to
+straight along."
+
+The court admitted Charity, and she swore the set-off through, and some
+fifty dollars more; and she was going on horse-race speed, when Sile
+stopped her "before," as he told her, "she swore the cause beyond the
+jurisdiction of a magistrate."
+
+Here the evidence closed. Midnight had set in, and the cause was yet to be
+summed up.
+
+The court informed Ike and Sile that they were limited to half an hour
+each.
+
+Ike opened the argument, and _such_ an opening, and _such_ an argument! It
+will not be expected that I can repeat it. There never lived a man who
+could. It covered all things mortal and immortal. Genius, and sense, and
+nonsense; wit, humor, pathos, venom, and vulgarity, were all piled up
+together, and belched forth upon the jury. He talked about the case, the
+court, the jury, his client, the history of the world, and Puddleford in
+particular. "The slander was admitted," he declared, "because the defendant
+had tried to set off something _agin_ it; and if his client didn't get a
+judgment, he'd make a rattling among the dry bones of the law, that would
+rouse the dead of '76!" He was "fifty feet front, and rear to the river;"
+"had seen great changes en the t'restial globe;" "know'd all the sciences
+from Neb-u-_cud_-nezzar down;" "know'd law--'twas the milk of his
+existence." As to the court's opinion about the set-off, "his head was
+chock full of cobwebs or bumble-bees, he didn't know which;" "his judgment
+warn't hardly safe on a common note er-hand;" "he'd no doubt but that three
+jist such cases would run him stark mad;" "Natur was sorry she'd ever had
+anything to do with him; and he'd himself been sorry ever since; and as for
+ed'cation, he warn't up to the school-marm, for she _could_ read;" "the
+jury had better give him a verdict if they didn't want the nightmare." And
+thus he was running on, when his half hour expired, but he could not be
+stopped--as well stop a tornado. So Sile arose, and commenced his argument
+for the defendant; and at it both labored, Ike for plaintiff, Sile for
+defendant, until the court swore a constable, and ordered the jury to
+retire with him, the argument still going on; and thus the jury left the
+room, Ike and Sile following them up, laying down the law and the fact; and
+the last thing I observed just before the door closed, was Ike's arm run
+through it at us, going through a variety of gestures, his expiring effort
+in behalf of his client.
+
+After a long deliberation among the jurors, during which almost everything
+was discussed but the evidence, it was announced by our foreman, on "coming
+in," that "we could not agree, four on 'em being for fifty dollars for the
+defendant 'cording to law, and one on 'em for no cause of action (myself),
+and he stood out, 'cause he was a-feared, or wanted to be pop'lar with
+somebody."
+
+And thus ended the trial between Filkins and Beadle.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+     Wanderings in the Wilderness.--A Bee-Hunt.--Sunrise.--The
+     Fox-Squirrel.--The Blue-Jay.--The Gopher.--The
+     Partridges.--Wild Geese, Ducks, and Cranes.--Blackbirds and
+     Meadow-Larks.--Venison's Account of the Bees' Domestic
+     Economy.--How Venison found what he was in Search of.--Honey
+     Secured.--After Reflections.
+
+
+Venison Styles and myself, as I have stated, had now become intimate.
+Together we scoured the woods and streams, in pursuit of fish and game.
+There was a kind of rustic poetry about the old man that fascinated my
+soul. His thoughts and feelings had been drawn from nature, and there was a
+strange freshness and life about everything he said and did. He was as firm
+and fiery as a flint; and the sparks struck out of him were as beautiful.
+Winds and storms, morn's early dawn, the hush of evening, the seasons and
+all their changes, had become a part of him--they had moulded and kept him.
+They played upon him like a breeze upon a harp. How could I help loving
+him?
+
+Before daybreak, one morning in October, Venison, myself, his honey-box,
+and axes, set out "a bee-hunting," as he called it. It was in the beautiful
+and inspiring season of Indian summer, a season that lingers long and
+lovely over the forests of the west. There had been a hard, black frost
+during the night, and the great red sun rose upon it, shrouded in smoke.
+We were soon deep in the heart of the wilderness, tramping over the fallen
+leaves, and pushing forward to where the "bees were thick a-workin',"
+according to Venison.
+
+As the sun rose higher and higher, the leaves began, all around, to thaw,
+and detach themselves from the trees, and silently settle to the ground.
+There stood the yellow walnut, the blood-red maple, side by side with the
+green pine and the spruce. Ten thousand rainbows were interlaced through
+the tops of the trees, and now and then a sharp peak shot up its pile of
+mosaic into the sky.
+
+Not a sound was heard around us till morning's dawn. The tranquillity was
+oppressive. The mighty wilderness was asleep. Everything felt as fixed and
+awful as eternity. The vast extent of the wooded waste, reaching thousands
+of miles beyond, on, and on, and _on_, filled with mountains, lakes, and
+streams, lying in solitary grandeur, as unchanged as on the day the
+Pyramids were finished, overwhelmed the imagination. And then the future
+arose upon the mind, when all this will be busy with life--when the present
+will be history, referred to, but not remembered--when the present
+population of the globe will have been swept from the face of it, and
+another generation in our place, playing with the toys that so long amused,
+and which we, at last, left behind us.
+
+But as day dawned, and morning began to throw in her arrows of gold about
+our feet, the wilderness began to wake up. A fox-squirrel shot out from his
+bed in a hollow tree, where he had been lodging during the night; and
+scampering up a tall maple, he sat himself down, threw his tail over his
+back, and broke forth with his _chick-chick-chickaree, chickaree,
+chickaree_!--making the woods ring with his song.
+
+"Look at him," exclaimed Venison; "he's as sassy as ever. If I had my
+rifle, I'd knock the spots off that check coat of his'n; I'd larn him to
+chickaree old Venison."
+
+This squirrel, very common in some of the north-western states, is one of
+the largest and most beautiful of its species. He is dressed in a suit of
+light-brown check, and may be seen, in warm, sunny days, cantering over the
+ground, or running through the tree-tops. He is a very careful and a very
+busy body. I have often watched him, as he sat bolt upright in a hickory,
+eating nuts, and throwing the shucks on the ground, with all the gravity of
+a judge. During the fall, he hoards up large quantities of stores. He hulls
+his beech-nuts, selects the fairest walnuts, picks up, here and there, a
+few chestnuts, and packs everything away in his castle with the utmost
+care; and, as Venison says, "the choppers in the winter have stolen bushels
+on 'em!"
+
+While our squirrel was singing his morning psalm, a crow, just out of his
+bed, went sailing along above us, with his "caw! caw!" and settled on a
+tree nearby. "Caw! caw!" he screamed again, looking down curiously at the
+squirrel, as much as to say, "Who cares for _your_ music!" Then out hurried
+another squirrel, and another, breaking forth with joy, until the crow,
+fairly drowned out, spread his wings and soared away. Venison says, "Them
+crows can smell gunpowder, and that fellow know'd we hadn't any, when he
+lit so near us."
+
+A blue-jay then commenced a loud call from a distant part of the forest. He
+is one of the birds that lingers behind, and braves the blasts of winter.
+He was flitting about in a tree-top, and had just commenced his day's
+work. How gaudily Nature has dressed this bird! How he shines, during
+spring and summer! All the shades, and touches, and tinges of blue flow
+over his gaudy mantle; and how orderly and lavishly they are strown over
+him. But the blue-jay is a dissolute kind of a fellow, after all--"neither
+more nor less than a thief," Venison says. His shadowy dress fades with the
+leaf, and after strutting about during the warmer months, making a great
+display of his finery, he "runs down," at last, into a confirmed loafer.
+Groups of them may be seen in the winter, drudging around among the
+withered bushes, and scolding like so many shrews.
+
+Then out popped the little _gopher_, that finished piece of stripe and
+check, that miner, who digs deep in the ground. He, too, had left his
+mansion, and come to greet the morn. A troop of quail marched along, headed
+by their chief. Who does not love the quail? She is associated with early
+childhood and household memories. Her voice rings through the past. We
+heard it sounding over our better years. What a rich brown suit she wears,
+cut round with Quaker simplicity! what taste and neatness about it! It was
+she that long ago went forth with the reapers, and piped for them her
+sunrise psalm, "_More wet! More wet!_" and she will stay here with us
+during the winter, and traverse, with her caravan, all day, the desert
+wastes of snow. Venison says he "don't never kill a quail--it ain't
+right--but he don't know why."
+
+The partridges, all around, commenced rolling their drums, and every little
+while, one would whirr past our heads, and die away in the distance. The
+whole wood-pecker family began _their_ labor. He who wears a red velvet
+cap, silk shawl, and white under-clothes, was boring away in a rotten tree,
+to find his breakfast; and he kept hitching around, and hammering, without
+regarding or caring for our presence. The rabbit, with ears erect, sat
+drawn up in a heap, quivering with fear, as he gazed upon us.
+
+At last we reached the bank of the river, and Venison said, "We had better
+sit down, and take our reck'ning." Here was one of the most beautiful
+pictures of still life ever painted by Nature. The river wound away like a
+silver serpent, until it was lost in a bank of Indian summer haze, and it
+gurgled and dashed through the aisles of the forest, like a dream through
+the silent realms of sleep. It lay, half sunshine, half shadow, and the
+shadow was slowly creeping up a tall cliff on the opposite shore, as the
+day advanced, counting, as it were, the moments as they passed. Afar down
+it, I was amused as I watched a flock of wild geese. They were about a
+hundred in number, sleeping upon the water, in a glassy cove, their heads
+neatly tucked under their wings. An old gander, who had been appointed
+sentinel, to keep watch and guard, was doing the best he could to perform
+his duty. He stood upon one leg, and he grew so drowsy, several times, that
+he nearly toppled over, to his great consternation, and the danger of his
+charge. But rousing up, and taking two or three pompous strides, and
+stretching his neck to its utmost, with a very wise look, he satisfied
+himself that all was right, and that he was not so bad a sentinel, after
+all.
+
+Near by this sleeping community, where a ripple played over a cluster of
+rocks, a flock of ducks were performing their ablutions. Now they were
+diving, now combing out their feathers, now rising and flapping their
+wings, now playing with each other, when the leader blowing a blast on his
+trumpet, they rose gracefully from their bath, and forming themselves into
+a _drag_, went winnowing up the river to their haunts far away.
+
+A sand-hill crane, hoisted up on his legs of stilts, his clothes gathered
+up, and pinned behind him, was leisurely wading about, spearing fish for
+his breakfast. A dozy, stupid-looking kingfisher sat upon a blasted limb
+just over him, looking as grave as a country justice engaged in the same
+business. A bald eagle came rushing down the stream like an air-ship, his
+great wings slowly heaving up and down, as if he had set out upon an
+all-day's journey. A muskrat ferried himself over from one side to the
+other, urgent upon business best known to himself. A prairie-wolf came down
+to the water's edge, gave a bark or two, and taking a drink, turned back
+the way he came.
+
+How many birds had left the wilderness for other climes! The blackbirds,
+those saucy gabblers, who spent the summer here, feeding upon wild rice,
+departed a month ago. I saw their bustle and preparation. They were days
+and days getting ready for their journey. The whole country around was
+alive with their noise. They sang, and fretted. They seemed to be out of
+all kind of patience with everybody and everything--to have a kind of spite
+against Nature for driving them off. All the trees about the marshes were
+loaded, and some were singing, some complaining, some scolding; but having
+finally completed their arrangements, all of a sudden they left. And the
+meadow-lark, that came so early with her spring song--she who used to sit
+upon the waving grass, and heave herself to and fro, in so ecstatic and
+polite a manner, as her melody rose and fell--she, too, is gone.
+
+But about _hunting bees_. Venison informed me that here was the spot where
+he should "try 'em--that he didn't know nothin' about his luck;" that "bees
+were the knowingest critters alive"--that they lived in "the holler trees,
+all around us." He said "they had queens to govern 'em"--that they had
+"workers and drones"--that "everything about 'em was done just so, and if
+any of 'em broke the laws, they just killed 'em, and pitched 'em
+overboard." This, he said, he had "seed himself; he had seed a reg'lar bee
+funeral." He "seed, once, four bees tugging at a dead body, drawing it on
+the back, when they throw'd it out of the hive, and covered it over with
+dirt." And then they have "wars," he says, and "gin'rals," and "captins,"
+and "sogers," and "go out a-fightin', and a-stealin' honey;" they are very
+"knowin' critters, and there is no tellin' nothin' about 'em."
+
+Venison took the little box he had brought with him, which was filled with
+honey, and, opening its lid, placed it on a stump. He then rambled around
+the woods until he found a lingering flower that had escaped the frost,
+with a honey-bee upon it. This he picked, bee and all, and placed on the
+honey. Soon the bee began to work and load himself; and finally he rose in
+circles, winding high in the air, and suddenly turning a right angle, he
+shot out of sight.
+
+"Where has he gone?" inquired I.
+
+"Gone hum where he lives," answered Venison, "to unload his thighs and tell
+the news."
+
+In a few moments, three bees returned, filled themselves, and departed;
+then six; then a dozen, until a black line was formed, along which they
+were rushing both ways, empty and laden, one _end_ of which was lost in the
+forest.
+
+Venison and myself then started on a trot, with our eyes upward, to follow
+this living line; and after having proceeded a quarter of a mile it became
+so confused and scattered that we gave it up, and returned.
+
+"What now?" I inquired.
+
+"I'll have 'em! I'll have 'em!" he replied. "They can't cheat old Venison.
+I've hunted the critters mor-nor forty years, and I allers takes 'em when I
+tries. I'll draw a couple of more sights on 'em."
+
+Venison took two pieces more of honey, and placed one on each side of his
+box. The bees followed him and commenced their work. Very soon, instead of
+one, he had three lines established, his line of honey forming the base of
+a triangle, while the bees were all rushing to its point, on each side of
+this triangle, and through its middle.
+
+This, of course, was a demonstration. Venison and myself followed up again,
+and, sure enough, we "had 'em," as he predicted. There they were, roaring
+in the top of a great oak, like thunder, coming in and going out, wheeling
+up and down through the air as though some great celebration was going on.
+It seemed that the whole hive of workers must have broken forth to capture
+and carry away Venison's honey-box.
+
+"Will they sting?" inquired I.
+
+"Some folks say they will," he replied. "If they hate a man they'll follow
+him a mile; and nobody knows who they hate and who they don't, until
+they're tried."
+
+"Where's the honey?" I inquired again.
+
+"Well, that's the next thing I'm arter;" and Venison put his ear to the
+trunk of the tree to ascertain in what part of it they were "a-workin'." He
+listened a while, but "they warn't low down, he know'd, for he didn't hear
+'em hummin'." He thought the honey was "out the way, high up somewhere." So
+at the tree he went with his axe, and in half an hour the old oak--older,
+probably, than any man on the globe--came down with a crash that roused up
+all the echoes of the wilderness.
+
+Upon an examination, the honey was, probably, Venison thought, packed away
+in a hollow of the tree, about fifty feet from the ground, as a large
+knot-hole was discerned, out of which the bees were streaming in great
+consternation. So he severed the trunk again, at the bottom of the hollow,
+and there it was, great flakes piled one upon another, some of which had
+been broken by the fall of the tree, and were dripping and oozing out their
+wild richness.
+
+"That's the raal stuff," exclaimed Venison; "something 'sides bees-bread."
+
+Venison had brought nothing with him to hold his honey, and I was a little
+curious to know how he would manage. He cut the tree again above the knot.
+During his labor the bees had settled all over him. His hands, face, and
+hair were filled, besides a circle of them that were angrily wheeling about
+his head. But he heeded them not, except by an occasional shake, which was
+significant of pity rather than rage.
+
+"Now," said Venison, when his work was finished, the tree cut, the
+knot-hole stopped, and the whole turned upside down, "that's what I call a
+nat'ral bee-hive, and we'll just stuff in a little dry grass on the top,
+and then I'll be ready to move."
+
+[Illustration: A BEE HUNT.
+
+"That's the raal stuff," exclaimed Venison; "something 'sides bees'-bread."
+Page 62.]
+
+"Move!" I exclaimed, "move! You don't expect _ue_ will carry home a _tree_,
+do you?"
+
+"Two or three on 'em, I s'pect. Venison allers gets as much as that."
+
+Venison was right. Before noon, half a dozen hives were captured and ready
+for removal. I confess, after the excitement was over, that I began to grow
+quite serious over my forenoon's labor. I sat down to rest myself, and the
+very solemnity of the wilderness produced a sober train of thought. A
+south-west breeze sprang up loaded with the dying breath of the
+fall-flowers. It was blowing down the leaves around me, and piling them up
+in gorgeous drifts. Like an undertaker around the remains of the dead, it
+was quietly tearing down the drapery, and preparing the year for its
+burial. A haze overspread everything, and the distance was mellow, the
+objects indistinct, and the whole landscape seemed swimming, as we
+sometimes see it in a dream. The trees were covered with haze; and a canoe,
+on its way down, appeared to be hung up in the air; the birds were hazy;
+and, looking about me, I appeared to be sitting in a great tent of haze.
+The squirrels were clattering through the trees, and throwing down the
+nuts; the partridges were drumming; the rabbits rustling through the dry
+leaves; the water-fowl hurrying through the air; and the crickets, those
+melancholy musicians, were piping a low, dirge-like strain to the golden
+hours of autumn as they passed away.
+
+I thought I could hear the great heart of Nature beat with measured and
+palpitating strokes; could feel the pendulum of Time swinging back and
+forth.
+
+But I said I was rather sober. There stood our six bee-hives, and clinging
+to each in large clusters were its inhabitants, who had been driven forth
+by us to brave a pitiless winter. We had destroyed six cities, and banished
+their people; six cities, six governments of law and order. Cities laid out
+in lanes, and streets, and squares; cities of dwelling-houses and castles;
+cities filled with all sorts of people; all castes in society. There were
+the queen and her palace; the drones and their castles; and the serf, or
+day-laborer, and his hut; and there, sitting upon her throne, the sovereign
+swayed as mighty a sceptre, tyrannized over as great a people, in her
+opinion, as any human despot. She undoubtedly bustled about, talked large,
+swelled up herself with her importance, boasted of her blood, of her divine
+right to rule (certainly divine in her case), just as all earthly princes
+do. There she projected plans of war, marshalled her forces, and stimulated
+their courage with inflammatory appeals. She talked about her house as the
+royal line, as the French used to about the Bourbons. And then a lazy
+aristocracy had been broken up by us; we had turned hundreds of drones
+adrift, and according to the modern definition, drones must be aristocrats;
+that is, they did no work, and lived upon the labor of others. They were,
+in all probability, just like all other aristocratic drones. They lounged
+about the hive in each other's company; had an occasional uproar at each
+other's table; turned out to take the morning air, and slept after dinner.
+They probably advised in all matters of public policy, and cried every day,
+"Long live the Queen." I did not care much about the drones, however. But
+we had turned the poor day-laborer out of doors; he who rose with the sun,
+and went forth to work while the dew was yet tying on the flowers. We had
+humbled the pride of six cities, and brought it to the dust. Is it strange
+that I felt sober?
+
+But Venison broke my musing by informing me that it was "about time to
+cakalate a little about getting our honey home, and he guessed he'd go and
+rig up a raft, and float the cargo down."
+
+And soon a raft was constructed of flood-wood, and bound together with
+green withes, the honey rolled aboard, two long poles prepared to be used
+to guide the craft, and away we glided, followed by a long train of bees,
+who had been despoiled, and who streamed along after us, until the shadows
+of evening arrested their flight, and parted them and their treasure
+forever.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+     The Log-Chapel.--Father Beals.--Aunt Graves.--Sister
+     Abigail.--Bigelow Van Slyck, the Preacher.--His Entrée.--How
+     he worked.--One of his Sermons.--Performance of the
+     Choir.--"Coronation" achieved.--Getting into
+     Position.--Personal Appeals.--Effect on the
+     Congregation.--Sabbath in the Wilderness.--Is Bigelow the
+     only Ridiculous Preacher?
+
+
+Puddleford was not altogether a wilderness, although it was located near a
+wilderness. It was located just on the outskirts of civilization, and, like
+Venison Styles, it caught a reflection of civilized life from the east, and
+of savage life from the west. It was an organized township, and was a part
+of an organized county. There were hundreds and thousands of men who were
+busy at work all over this county, cutting down the trees and breaking up
+the soil. Law and religion had found their way among them, just as they
+always accompany the American pioneer. It could not be otherwise; because
+these obligations grow up and weave themselves into the very nature of the
+people of our republic. They are written on the soul. So that judicial
+circuits, a court-house and jail, Methodist circuits and circuit-riders,
+and meeting-houses, were established. All this was rough, like the country
+itself.
+
+Few persons have ever attempted to define the piety of just such a
+community as this; and yet it has a form, tone, and character peculiarly
+its own. The portraits of the Puddlefordians were just as clearly
+reproduced in their religion, as if they had been drawn by sunlight.
+
+The "log-chapel," as it was called at Puddleford, was filled each week,
+with one or two hundred rough, hard-featured, unlearned men and women, who
+had come in from all parts of the country; some for devotional exercises,
+some for amusement; some to look, and some to be looked at. This
+congregation shifted faces each week, like the colors in a kaleidoscope. It
+was never the same. The man in the pulpit must have felt as though he were
+preaching to a running river, whose parts were continually changing. Yet
+there was a church at Puddleford, in the strict sense of the word; it was
+organized, and had, at the time I refer to, ten regular members in good
+standing; all the rest was "floating capital," that drifted in from Sunday
+to Sunday, and swelled the "church proper."
+
+There was "Father Beals," and old "Aunt Graves," and "Sister Abigail," who
+were regular attendants at all times and seasons. They were, beyond all
+doubt, the pillars of the Puddleford church. Father Beals was _the_ church,
+before any building for worship was erected. He was looked upon as a
+living, moving, spiritual body; a Methodist organization in himself; and
+wherever he went to worship on the Sabbath, whether in a private house, a
+barn, or in the forest, all the followers of that order were found with
+him, drawn there by a kind of magnetism. The old man had been one of the
+faithful from a boy; had carried his principles about him from day to day;
+was indeed a light in the world; and he was, by some plan of PROVIDENCE,
+flung far back into the wilderness, all burning, to kindle up and set on
+fire those about him. His influence had built the log-chapel, and, like a
+regulator in a watch, he kept it steady, pushing this wheel a little
+faster, and checking that. Sometimes he had to command, sometimes entreat,
+sometimes threaten, sometimes soothe.
+
+"Father Beals" was a good man; and no higher compliment can be paid to any
+person. His head was very large, bald, and his hair was white. There was an
+expression of great benevolence in his face, and a cold calmness in his
+blue eye that never failed to command respect. He used to sit, on Sundays,
+just under the pulpit, with a red cotton handkerchief thrown over him,
+while his wide-brimmed hat, that he wore into the country, stood in front,
+on a table, and really seemed to listen to the sermon.
+
+"Aunt Graves" was a very useful body in her way, and the Puddleford church
+could not have spared her any more than "Father Beals." She was an old
+maid, and had been a member of the log-chapel from its beginning. She was
+one of those sincere souls that really believed that there was but one
+church in the world, and that was her own. She felt a kind of horror when
+she read of other denominations having an actual existence, and wondered
+"what kind of judgment would fall upon them." She didn't know very much
+about the Bible, but she knew a great deal about religion; she knew all
+about her own duty, and quite a good deal about the duty of her neighbors.
+
+Now "Aunt Graves" was useful in many ways. She kept, in the first place, a
+kind of spiritual thermometer, that always denoted the range of every
+member's piety except her own. Every slip of the tongue; every
+uncharitable remark; every piece of indiscretion, by word or deed; all acts
+of omission, as well as of commission, were carefully registered by her,
+and could at any time be examined and corrected by the church. This was
+convenient and useful. Then, she was a choice piece of melody; there was
+not another voice like hers in the settlement. It had evidently been
+pitched "from the beginning" for the occasion. It possessed great power,
+was quite shaky (a modern refinement in music), and could be heard from a
+half to three quarters of a mile. She has been known to sweep away on a
+high note, and actually take the Puddleford choir off their feet. She rode
+through the staff of music headlong, like a circus-rider around the ring;
+and could jump three or four notes at any time, without lessening her
+speed, or breaking the harmony. She would take any piece of sacred music by
+storm, on the very shortest notice. In fact, she was _the_ treble, aided by
+a few others who had received their instruction from her; and she was just
+as indispensable to worship, she thought, as a prayer or a sermon.
+
+"Aunt Graves" always made it her business to "keep a sharp lookout" after
+the morals of the preacher. "Men are but men," she used to say, "and
+preachers are but men; and they need some person to give 'em a hunch once
+in a while." Sometimes she would lecture him of the log-chapel for hours
+upon evidences of piety, acts of immorality, the importance of
+circumspection, the great danger that surrounded him--her tongue buzzing
+all the while like a mill-wheel, propelled as it was by so much zeal. She
+said it almost made her "crazy to keep the Puddleford church right side
+up; for it _did_ seem as though she had everything on her shoulders; and
+she _really_ believed it would have gone to smash long ago, if it hadn't
+been for her."
+
+Now, "Sister Abigail" wasn't anybody in particular--that is, she was not
+exactly a free agent. She was "Aunt Graves's" shadow--a reflection of her;
+a kind of person that said what "Aunt Graves" said, and did what she did,
+and knew what she knew, and got angry when she did, and over it when she
+did. She was a kind of dial that "Aunt Graves" shone upon, and any one
+could tell what time of day it was with "Aunt Graves," by looking at
+"Sister Abigail."
+
+Besides these lights in the church, there were about (as I have said) ten
+or a dozen members, and a congregation weekly of one or two hundred.
+
+But I must not pass over the preacher himself. I only speak of one,
+although many filled the pulpit of the Puddleford church during my
+acquaintance with it. Bigelow Van Slyck was at one time a circuit-rider on
+the Puddleford circuit; and I must be permitted to say, he was the most
+important character that had filled that station prior to the time to which
+I have reference. He was half Yankee, half Dutch; an ingenious cross,
+effected somewhere down in the State of Pennsylvania. He was not yet a
+full-blown preacher, but an exhorter merely. He was active, industrious,
+zealous, and one would have thought he had more duty on his hands than the
+head of the nation. His circuit reached miles and miles every way. He was
+here to-day, there to-morrow, and somewhere else next day; and he ate and
+slept where he could.
+
+Bigelow's appointments were all given out weeks in advance. These
+appointments must be fulfilled; and he was so continually pressed, that one
+would have thought the furies were ever chasing him.
+
+I have often seen him rushing into the settlement after a hard day's ride.
+He wore a white hat with a wide brim, a Kentucky-jean coat, corduroy vest
+and breeches, a heavy pair of clouded-blue yarn stockings, and stogy boots.
+He rode a racking Indian pony, who wore a shaggy mane and tail. Bigelow
+usually made his appearance in Puddleford just as the long shadows of a
+Saturday evening were pointing over the landscape. The pony came clattering
+in at the top of his speed, panting and blowing, as full of business and
+zeal as his master, while Bigelow's extended legs and fluttering bandana
+kept time to the movement. The women ran to the doors, the children paused
+in the midst of their frolic, as his pony stirred up the echoes around
+their ears; and it is said that the chickens and turkeys, who had often
+witnessed the death of one of their number when this phantom appeared, set
+up a most dismal hue-and-cry, and took to their wings in the greatest
+consternation.
+
+We hope that none of our readers will form an unfavorable opinion of
+Bigelow, after having read our description of him. He was the man of all
+others to fill the station he occupied. He was as much a part of, and as
+necessary to, the wilderness he inhabited, as the oak itself. He belonged
+to the locality. He was one of a gallery of portraits that nature and
+circumstances had hung up in the forest for a useful purpose, just as
+Squire Longbow was another. The one managed the church, the other the
+courts; and all this was done in reference to society as it was, not what
+it ought to be, or might be. There was a kind of elasticity about Bigelow's
+theology, as there was about the Squire's law, that let all perplexing
+technicalities pass along without producing any friction. They were
+graduated upon the sliding-scale principle, and were never exactly the
+same.
+
+Bigelow was a host in theology in his way. He could reconcile at once any
+and every point that could be raised. He never admitted a doubt to enter
+into his exhortations, but he informed his hearers at once just how the
+matter stood. He professed to be able to demonstrate any theological
+question at once, to the satisfaction of any reasonable mind; and it was
+all folly to labor with the unreasonable, he said, for they would "fight
+agin the truth as long as they could, any way."
+
+I used occasionally to hear him exhort, and he was in every respect an
+off-hand preacher. He worked like a blacksmith at the forge. Coat, vest,
+and handkerchief, one after the other, flew off as he became more and more
+heated in his discourse. At one time he thundered down the terrors of the
+law upon the heads of his hearers; at another he persuaded; and suddenly he
+would take a facetious turn, and accompany the truth with a story about his
+grandfather down on the Ohio, or an anecdote that he had read in the
+newspapers. He wept and he laughed, and the whole assembly were moved as
+his feelings moved; now silent with grief, and now swelling with
+enthusiasm.
+
+I recollect one of his sermons in part, and, in fact, the most of the
+services accompanying it. It was a soft day in June. The birds were singing
+and revelling among the trees which canopied the chapel. The church was
+filled. The choir were all present. "Father Beals," "Aunt Graves," and
+"Sister Abigail" were in their accustomed seats. The farmers from the
+country had "turned out;" in fact, it was one of the most stirring days
+Puddleford had ever known. It was quite evident that the occasion was
+extraordinary, as "Aunt Graves" was very nervous the moment she took her
+seat in the choir. If any error should be committed, the exercises would be
+spoiled, prayers, preaching, and all; because, according to her judgment,
+they all depended upon good music; and _that_ she was responsible for. So
+she began to hitch about, first this way, and then that; then she ran over
+the music-book, and then the index to it; then she hummed a tune inaudibly
+through her nose; then she examined the hymn-book, and then changed her
+seat; and then changed back again. She was, in her opinion, the wheel that
+kept every other wheel in motion; and what if _that_ wheel should stop!
+
+But the hymn was at last given out; and there was a rustling of leaves, and
+an a-hemming, and coughing, and spitting, and sounding of notes; and a toot
+on a cracked clarinet, which had been wound with tow; and a low grunt from
+a bass-viol, produced by a grave-looking man in the corner. Then all rose,
+and launched forth in one of those ancient pieces of church harmony,
+"Coronation;" every voice and instrument letting itself go to its utmost
+extent. One airy-looking person was pumping out his bass by rising and
+falling on his toes; another, more solemn, was urging it up by crowding his
+chin on his breast; another jerked it out by a twist of his head; while one
+quiet old man, whose face beamed with tranquillity, just stood, in perfect
+ecstasy, and let the melody run out of his nose. The genius on the
+clarinet blew as if he were blowing his last. His cheeks were bloated, his
+eyes were wild and extended, and his head danced this way and that, keeping
+time with his fingers; and he who sawed the viol tore away upon his
+instrument with a kind of ferocity, as if he were determined to commit some
+violence upon it. But the treble--what shall I say of _it_? "Aunt Graves"
+was nowhere to be seen, after the "parts" had got into full play; she put
+on the power of her voice, and "drowned out" everything around her at once;
+and then, rising higher and higher, she rushed through the notes, the choir
+in full chase after her, and absolutely came out safely at last, and struck
+upon her feet, without injuring herself or any one else.
+
+When this performance closed, quite an air of self-satisfaction played over
+the faces of all, declaring clearly enough that their business was over for
+an hour at least. In fact, "Aunt Graves" was entirely out of breath, and
+remained in a languishing state for several minutes. So they busied
+themselves the best way they could. They gazed at every person in the house
+except the preacher, and did everything but worship. I noticed that it was
+very difficult for the female portion to "get into position." They tried a
+lounge and a lean, an averted face and a full one. Then their
+bonnet-strings troubled them, and then their shawls; and now a lock of hair
+got astray, and then something else. The men were as philosophical and
+indifferent as so many players at a show. He of the clarinet once so forgot
+the day as to raise his instrument to the window and take a peep through
+it, so that he might detect its air-holes, if any there were; and he
+afterwards amused himself and me, a long time, by gravely licking down its
+tow bandage, so that it might be in condition when called upon to perform
+again. In fact, the Puddleford choir was very much like choirs in all other
+places.
+
+By and by, Bigelow took his stand, preparatory to his sermon. I do not
+intend to follow Bigelow through his discourse, because I could not do so
+if I attempted it; nor would it be of any importance to the reader, if I
+could. He said he would not take any text, but he would preach a sermon
+that would suit a hundred texts. He did not like to confine himself to any
+particular portion of the Bible; but wished to retain the privilege of
+following up the manifold sins of his congregation, in whomsoever or
+wherever they existed. He then launched himself forth, denouncing, in the
+first place, the sin of profanity, which is very common in all new
+countries, evidently having in view two or three of his hearers who were
+notoriously profane; and after considering the question generally, he
+declared "that of all sinners, the profane man is the greatest fool,
+because he receives nothing for his wickedness. A'n't that true, Luke
+Smith?" he continued, as he reached out his finger towards Luke, whose
+daily conversation was a string of oaths; "a'n't that true? How much have
+_you_ made by it?--answer to me, and this congregation." Luke quivered as
+if a shock of electricity had passed through him.
+
+Bigelow then gave a short history of his own sins in that line at an early
+day, before he entered the pulpit, when he was young and surrounded by
+temptations; but, he said, he reformed at last, and every other man might
+do so by the same means. "When you feel yourself swelling with a big
+oath--for every man feels 'em inside before they break out," exclaimed
+Bigelow,--"jump up and cry "Jezebel!" three times in succession, and you'll
+feel as calm as an infant. This," he continued, "lets off the feeling
+without the commission of sin, and leaves the system healthy."
+
+He next considered the sin of Sabbath-breaking; and he poured down the
+melting lava upon the heads of his hearers with a strength and ingenuity
+that I have seldom seen equalled. "Men," he said, "would labor harder to
+break the Sabbath than they would for bread. They would chase a deer from
+morning till night on this holy day, kill him, and then _throw the carcass
+away_; but week-days they lounge about some Puddleford dram-shop, while
+their families were suffering. Men, too," he continued, "fish on Sundays,
+because the devil has informed them that fish bite better. It is the devil
+himself who does the biting, not the fish; it is _he_ who is fishing for
+_you_; for Bill Larkin, and Sam Trimble, and Hugh Williams, and scores of
+others; he's got you now, and you will be scaled and dressed for his table
+unless you escape instantly;" and then, to impress his illustration, he
+soared away into a flight of eloquence just suited to his hearers; rough
+and fiery, plain and pointed, neither above nor below the capacity of those
+he addressed.
+
+Bigelow then made a descent upon lying and liars. He regretted to say that
+this sin was very common in the church. "He had a dozen complaints before
+him now, undecided;" and he detailed a few of them, as specimens of "the
+depravity of the human heart." He "didn't want to hear any more of them, as
+he had something else to do, besides taking charge of the tongues of his
+church."
+
+Then came an exhortation on _duties_; and almost every practical virtue
+was mentioned and impressed. Early rising, industry, economy, modesty,
+contentment, etc., etc., all received a notice at his hands. "Don't sleep
+yourselves to death!" exclaimed Bigelow; "rise early! work! for while you
+sleep the Enemy will sow your fields full of tares; and the only way to
+keep him out is to be on the spot _yourself_!" This was a literal
+application of the parable, it is true; yet it was very well done, and
+productive, I have no doubt, of some good.
+
+Bigelow closed in a most tempestuous manner. He was eloquent, sarcastic,
+and comical, by turns. He had taken off nearly all his clothes, except his
+pantaloons, shirt, and suspenders; a custom among a certain class of
+western preachers, however strange it may appear to many readers. Streams
+of perspiration were running down his face and neck; his hair was in
+confusion; and altogether, he presented the appearance of a man who had
+passed through some convulsion of nature, and barely escaped with his life.
+
+I could not help thinking that Bigelow was entitled to great credit, not
+only for the matter his sermon contained, but in being able to deliver a
+sermon at all amid the confusion which often surrounded him. There were a
+dozen or more infants in the crowd, some crowing, some crying, and some
+chattering. One elderly lady, in particular, had in charge one of these
+responsibilities, that seemed to set the place and the preacher at
+defiance. She tried every expedient to quiet the little nuisance, but it
+was of "no use." She set it down, laid it down, turned it around, nursed
+it, chirped at it; and finally, giving up in despair, she placed it on her
+knee, the child roaring at the top of its lungs, and commenced trotting it
+in the very face of the audience. This operation cut up the music of the
+innocent, and threw it out in short, quick jerks, very agreeable to the
+preacher and congregation.
+
+An excellent old woman also sat directly in front of Bigelow, her left
+elbow resting on her knee, which she swayed to and fro with a sigh. Her
+face lay devoutly in the palm of her hand, while her right thumb and
+fore-finger held a pinch of snuff, which she every now and then slowly
+breathed up a hawk-bill nose, with a long-drawn whistle, something after
+the sort that broke forth from the clarinet a while before. She then blew a
+blast into a faded cotton handkerchief, that reverberated like the voice of
+"many trumpets." This was followed by fits of coughing, and sneezing, and
+sighing; in fact, she sounded as great a variety of notes as the choir
+itself.
+
+Besides all this, a troop of dogs who had followed their masters were
+continually marching up and down the chapel; and when any unusual
+excitement occurred with Bigelow, or any one else, as there did several
+times, we had a barking-chorus, which threatened to suspend the whole
+meeting. Bigelow, however, didn't mind any or all of these things; but,
+like a skilful engineer, he put on the more steam, and ran down every
+obstacle in his way.
+
+Reader, I have given you a description of the log-chapel at Puddleford. It
+is like a thousand other places of public worship in a "new country." If
+there is something to condemn, there is more to praise. There seems to be a
+providence in this, as in all other things.
+
+The settlers in a forest are a rough, hardy, and generally an honest race
+of men. It is their business to hew down the wilderness, and prepare the
+way for a different class who will surely follow them. They cannot
+cultivate their minds to any extent, or refine their characters. They must
+be reached through the pulpit by such means as _will_ reach them. Of what
+importance is a nice theological distinction with them? Of what force a
+labored pulpit disquisition? They have great vices and strong virtues.
+Their vices must be smitten and scattered with a sledge-hammer; they are
+not to be played with in a flourish of rhetoric. Just such a human tornado
+as Bigelow is the man for the place; he may commit some mischief, but he
+will leave behind him a purer moral atmosphere and a serener sky.
+
+Society, in such a place as Puddleford, is cultivated very much like its
+soil. Both lie in a state of rude nature, and both must be improved. The
+great "breaking-plough," with its dozen yoke of cattle, in the first place,
+goes tearing and groaning through the roots and grubs that lie twisted
+under it, just as Bigelow tore and groaned through the stupidity and
+wickedness of his hearers. Then comes the green grass, and wheat, and
+flowers, as years draw on; producing, at last, "some sixty, and some a
+hundred-fold."
+
+There is something impressive in the Sabbath in the wilderness. A quiet
+breathes over the landscape that is almost overwhelming. In a city, the
+church-steeples talk to one another their lofty music; but there are no
+bells in the wilderness to mark the hours of worship. The only bell which
+is heard is rung by Memory, as the hour of prayer draws nigh; some
+village-bell, far away, that vibrated over the hills of our nativity, the
+tones of which we have carried away in our soul, and which are awakened by
+the solemnity of the day.
+
+There is a philosophy in all this, if we will but see it; there is more;
+there is a lesson, possibly a reproof. If we are disposed to smile at the
+rusticity of a Puddleford church, may we not with equal reason become
+serious over the overgrown refinement of many another? May not something be
+learned in the very contrast which is thus afforded? Do not the extravagant
+hyperbole, coarse allusions, irreverent anecdote, and strong but unpolished
+shafts of sarcasm, that such as Bigelow so unsparingly scatter over the
+sanctuary, give a rich background and strong relief to the finished
+rhetoric of many a pulpit essay, that has been written to play with the
+fancy and tranquillize the nerves of a refined and fashionable audience?
+Are not the extremes equally ridiculous? the one not having reached, the
+other having passed the zenith.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+     Indian Summer.--Venison Styles again.--Jim Buzzard.--Fishing
+     Excursion.--Muskrat City.--Indian Burying-ground.--The
+     Pickerel and the Rest of the Fishes.--The Prairie.--Wild
+     Geese.--The Old Mound.--Venison's Regrets at the
+     degenerating Times.--His Luck, and Mine.--Reminiscences of
+     the Beavers.--Camping out.--Safe Return.
+
+
+Indian summer had not yet taken her bow from the woods or her breath from
+the sky. Old Autumn still lay asleep; Time stood by, with his hour-glass
+erect, slowly counting the palpitations of his heart.
+
+Venison Styles appointed a day for a fishing excursion, and was desirous of
+my company; so, on one of those bright mornings, we might have been seen
+loading our gear into the boat, preparatory to a night's lodging in the
+woods. We were accompanied by "Jim Buzzard," a genuine Puddlefordian, whom
+we took along to do up the little pieces of drudgery that always attend
+such an expedition.
+
+Puddleford was a wonderful place for fish-eaters, and the only real harvest
+the villagers had was the fish-harvest. One half of Puddleford lived on
+fish, and everybody fished. But our "Jim Buzzard" was a character in fish,
+and I could never excuse myself if I should pass him over unnoticed.
+
+Where "Jim" was born--who was his father or mother--and whether he
+actually ever had any, are questions that no mortal man was ever yet able
+to answer. He appeared one spring morning in Puddleford with the swallows.
+The first thing seen of him, he was sitting, about sunrise, on an old dry
+goods' box, at the corner of a street, whistling a variety of lively airs.
+The crown was dangling from the top of his hat, he was shirtless and
+unshaved, and his shoes gaped horribly at the public.
+
+"Jim" was a genuine loafer, and loafers, you know, reader, pervade every
+place, and are always the same. There is a certain class of animals that
+are said to follow civilization, as sharks follow in the wake of a ship,
+and generally for the same reason, to pick up what they can find. Rats and
+loafers belong to this class, and there is no human ingenuity shrewd enough
+to keep them off: their appearance seems to be a simple fulfilment of a law
+of nature.
+
+Jim Buzzard was a fisher, too, and nothing but a fisher. He would sit on an
+old log by the bank of the river, and hold a pole from morning until night.
+If the fish would bite, very well; if they would not, very well. Ill-luck
+never roused his wrath, because there was no wrath in him to arouse. He was
+a true philosopher, and was entirely too lazy to get into a passion. Jim
+knew that the fish would bite to-morrow, or next day, if they didn't
+to-day. He was happy, completely so; that is, as completely happy as the
+world will admit. He didn't envy anybody--not he. All his wants were
+supplied, and what did he care about the possessions of his neighbors? He
+never realized any future, here or hereafter. Jim never lay awake nights,
+thinking about where he would be, or what he should have, next week. He
+didn't know as there was any next week. He knew the sun rose and set, which
+was all the time he ever measured at once. Well, as I said, Jim made one of
+our company.
+
+Our boat was finally loaded, our crew shipped, and we shot forth into the
+stream. The water lay as smooth as glass, and the reflected colors of the
+blazing trees that hung over it gave it the appearance of a carpet. The
+headlands put out here and there, intersected by long gores of marsh, that
+ran away a mile or more in the distance.
+
+Upon one of these marshes a city had been reared by the muskrats, which
+presented an interesting appearance. Hundreds of huts had been erected by
+this busy population, intended by them as their winter quarters, composed
+of grass and sticks and mud, and hoisted up beyond the reach of the spring
+floods. Each one was a little palace, and the whole sat upon the water like
+a miniature Venice. Here huts were entered by diving down, the front door
+being always concealed to prevent intrusion. Up and down the canals of this
+city the inhabitants gossiped and gambolled by moonlight, like those of
+every other gay place. They had their routs, and cotillons, and suppers, in
+all human probability, and for aught I know drank themselves stupid.
+Perhaps they kept up an opera. I say perhaps--we know so little of the
+inner life of these strange creatures, that we may draw upon the
+imagination in regard to their amusements as much as we please. If any
+transcendental muskrat should ever write the history of this colony, I will
+forward it to the newspapers by the first mail.
+
+Venison said, "we were going to have a wet time on't, cause the rats had
+built so high, and the whole mash would be covered bime-by, by the rains."
+He said, "muskrats know'd more nor men about times ahead, and fixed up
+things 'cordingly."
+
+Our boat glided along until we came in sight of a huge bluff that had
+pushed itself half across the stream. A melancholy fragment of one of the
+tribes of Indians, who once held the sovereignty of the soil, and who had
+escaped a removal, or had wandered back from their banishment, were
+clustered upon it. They had erected a long pole, and gathered themselves,
+hand in hand, in a circle about it; within this circle, their medicines and
+apparel worn in worship, lay for consecration. The plaintive chant was
+heard melting along the waters, as they wheeled round and round in their
+solemn service. I have never looked upon a more touching exhibition. Most
+of these Indians were very old; they had outlived their tribe, their
+country, their glory--everything but their ceremonies and themselves. What
+a beautiful tribute was this to the past! a handful of worshippers
+lingering round the broken altar of their temple, and hallowing its very
+ruins.
+
+Near by, and on the southern slope of the bluff, lay the remains of an
+extensive Indian burying-ground. No white man could tell its age. Large
+oaks, centuries old, that had grown since the dead were first deposited
+there, stood up over the graves. No monuments of stone designated the
+thousands of sleepers--the living themselves were the monuments of the
+dead. Weapons of war and peace were scattered beneath the turf, mixed with
+crumbling human bones.
+
+What were this little band of red men, thought I, but so many autumn
+leaves? A few years more, and the solitary boat, as it turns this headland,
+will find no warrior kneeling on its height. The Great Spirit will brood
+alone over the solitude.
+
+By and by, we turned into a bay, sheltered by an overhanging cliff, where
+we cast our anchor, and made ready for work. The water was transparent, and
+the shining pebbles glittered in the sandy depths below. Shoals of fish had
+gathered in this nook, beyond the strife of waters. The sun-fish, his back
+all bristling with rage, ploughed around with as much ferocity as a
+privateer; the checkered perch lazily rolled from side to side, as his
+breath came and went; the little silver dace darted and flashed through
+each other their streams of light; and away off, all alone, the pickerel,
+that terror of the pool, stood as still and dart-like as the vane of a
+steeple.
+
+This congregation reminded me of the stir we sometimes find in the ports of
+a city. They seemed to have much business on hand. They were continually
+putting out and putting in; sometimes alone and sometimes in fleets. I
+noticed an indolent old "sucker," who made several unsuccessful attempts to
+reach the current, and get under headway. Once in a while, a fish would
+come dashing in from above, like a ship before a gale, throwing the whole
+community into an uproar.
+
+Below us, on the left bank of the river, stretched a prairie which was
+several miles in circumference. It was dotted, here and there, with a
+settler's cabin, but the greater part yet lay in the wild luxuriance of
+nature. It was surrounded by the forest, and long points of woodland
+pierced it, now glowing like a flame. Shooting back and forth, the
+prairie-hens sailed across it like boats upon the main. The sky above it
+was filled with hawks, sweeping round and round in search of prey--now they
+rested upon their outspread wings--then plunged through a long-drawn
+curve--then gracefully moved near the earth in downward circles, as some
+object was discovered, winnowing a while above it, to make sure of its
+nature and position, and rising once more, and turning with lightning
+quickness, away they rushed upon their quarry, and soared away with it on
+high.
+
+In the depth of winter, when the lakes and rivers are bound in ice, vast
+bodies of geese assemble there. Acres of ground are covered, and they storm
+about their camp like an army of soldiers. Some commanding elevation, far
+out from shore, beyond the reach of the hunter's gun, is selected. When
+disturbed, their sentinels blow the alarm, and away they go, piping their
+dismal dirge, until it dies afar in the sky. By daybreak the next morning,
+they are on the ground again, as tranquil as though nothing had happened.
+
+It is almost impossible to trap these wanderers. Before they establish
+their quarters, they study the landscape with the eye of a painter. They
+take a daguerrian view of objects as they are. The log-hut, with its
+curling smoke--the hay-stack crowned with snow--the settler's cart tipped
+up, its tongue pointing towards the north star--a goose understands as well
+as a man. _They_ never blow up nor work destruction. But just try an
+artificial house of boughs, a brush fence, or an intrenchment near their
+lines. They see the plot at a glance, and draw out of harm's way, and pitch
+their snowy tents again, beyond its reach. As well chase the fabled island
+as a flock of wild geese.
+
+Not far below this prairie, near the bank of the river, a venerable mound
+raised its solitary head. It was thinly covered with oaks, and belonged to
+Oblivion. It was one of the few feathers that Time had cast in his flight,
+to mark the past and confuse the present. It looked like a hand reached out
+from eternity; but _whose_ hand? Ay, whose? Who built it? When? Why? It was
+filled with all kinds of strange things that had been planted there by a
+busy race who were unable to preserve their own history. Their works had
+outlived themselves; but they cannot talk to us, nor tell us what they are,
+nor who fashioned them. There it stands, gazing dumbly at all who look upon
+it, a sad lesson to individual pride or national glory.
+
+Venison did not seem quite satisfied with the prospect of catching fish in
+the little bay. "'Tain't as it used to be," sighed the old hunter. "Before
+the woods were cut down, and them are dams built," said he, "the whole
+river was alive with all sorts of fish. In the spring-time the salmon-trout
+and sturgeon used to come up out of the lakes to feed, but they can't get
+up any more. They keep trying it every year yet, and thousands on 'em may
+be seen packed in below old Jones' dam, 'long 'bout April, waiting and
+waiting for it to go off. For I s'pose they think 'tain't nothing but
+flood-wood lodged."
+
+"Why don't they climb it?" inquired I.
+
+"When the water is very high up, and there arn't much of a riffle there,
+they will sometimes; but they can't climb like them speckled trout--they'll
+go right up a mountain stream, and make nothing on't--them fellers beat all
+nater for going anywhere."
+
+However, as I said somewhere back in my narrative, we made ready for work.
+We looked around for Jim Buzzard, and found him sitting in the bow of the
+boat, his legs sprawled out, his head dropped on his chin, his ragged hat
+cocked on one side, fast asleep. There was an ease and self-abandonment
+about his appearance that were really beautiful. Jim could sleep
+anywhere--some people can't. He was never nervous. He never had any spasms
+about something that could never occur. He had no notes falling due--no
+crops in the ground--no merchandise on his hand--no property, except the
+little he carried on his back, and that he didn't really own; it was given
+to him--he was no candidate for office, and didn't even know or care who
+was President--all administrations were alike to him, for all had treated
+him well. He never flew into a passion because some persons slandered him,
+because he had no character to injure.
+
+"Hallo, Jim!" I screamed, with my mouth to his ear, "the boat is sinking."
+
+He gaped, and groaned, and stretched a few times, and finally opened his
+eyes, and adjusted his hat, and looking up at me, "Let her sink, then," he
+replied; "we can get-er up agin."
+
+"Stir around! stir around, Jim!" I exclaimed; "the fish are waiting for our
+bait; out with your pole."
+
+He said, "_he_ was goin' overboard arter fresh-water clams--kase they were
+good with salt, and anybody could eat 'em;" and rolling up his breeches,
+over he went, and moving away down near a sandy beach, he commenced digging
+his clams with his feet, and piling them up on shore by his side.
+
+Venison and myself dashed our lines overboard. I watched every movement of
+the old hunter. He went through as many ceremonies as a magician working a
+charm. His "minnys" (minnows), as he called them, were hooked tenderly at a
+particular place in the back, so that they might shoot around in the water,
+without dying in the effort; his hook was pointed in a certain direction,
+so as to catch at the first bite; he then spit upon the bait, and swinging
+the line a few times in circles, he threw it far out in the stream.
+
+"That'll bring a bass, pickerel, or something," said he, as it struck the
+water.
+
+Soon the pole bent, and Venison sprang upon it.
+
+"Pull him out!" exclaimed I.
+
+"Don't never hurry big fish," replied he; "let him play round a little;
+he'll grow weak byme-by, and come right along into the boat;" and
+accordingly, Venison "_let_ him play;" he managed the fish with all that
+refinement in the art that sportsmen know so well how to appreciate and
+enjoy. Sometimes it raced far up the stream, then far down; and once, as
+the line brought it up on a downward trip, it bounded into the air, and
+turned two or three summersets that shook the silver drops of water from
+its fins. After a while, it became exhausted, and Venison slowly drew him
+into the boat, all breathless and panting; a famous pickerel, four feet
+long and "well proportioned."
+
+My poles, all this time, remained just where I first placed them--not a
+nibble, as I knew. Some very wicked people, I have been informed, swear at
+fish when they refuse to bite--but I did not--because I have never been
+able to see why _they_ were to blame, or why swearing would reform them,
+if they were. It was no very good reason that they should take hold of one
+end of my pole and line, because I happened to be at the other.
+
+Not having much luck with big fish, I concluded to amuse the "small fry."
+So out went my hook ker-slump right down in the midst of a great gathering,
+who seemed to have met on some business of importance. It was a little
+curious to watch these finny fellows as they eyed my worm. They swept round
+it in a circle, a few times, and coming up with a halt, and forming
+themselves abreast, they rocked up and down from head to tail, as they
+surveyed the thing. By and by, a perch, a little more venturesome than the
+rest, floated up by degrees to the bait, his white fins slowly moving back
+and forth, and carefully reaching out his nose, he touched it, wheeled, and
+shot like a dart out of sight. In a few minutes he came round in the rear
+of the company, to await further experiments. Next came the sun-fish,
+jerking along, filled with fire and fury, with a kind of who's-afraid sort
+of look, and striking at my hook, actually caught the tip of the barb, and
+I turned the fellow topsy-turvy, showing up his yellow to advantage. He
+left for parts unknown. There was a small bass who had strayed into the
+community, whom I was anxious to coax into trouble; but he lay off on his
+dignity, near an old root, to see the fun. I moved my hook towards him. He
+shot off and turned head to, with a no-you-don't sort of air. I took my
+bait from the water and spit on it, but it wouldn't do. I took it out
+again, and went through an incantation over it, but I couldn't catch him by
+magic; and I have no doubt, reader, he is there yet.
+
+Venison, every little while, dragged another and another pickerel aboard.
+Pretty soon we had Jim Buzzard cleaning fish, and packing away in a barrel,
+with a little sprinkling of salt.
+
+I gathered in my lines, arose, and thanked the whole tribe of fish,
+generally and particularly, for their attendance upon me, and promised not
+to trouble them for a month at least.
+
+The sun was waning low, and the shadows of the trees were pointing across
+the river. The clouds in the west gathered themselves into all kinds of
+pictures. There was a fleet of ships, all on fire, in full sail, far out at
+sea; the fleet dissolved, and a city rose out of its ruins, filled with
+temples, and domes, and turrets, and divided into streets, up and down
+which strange and fantastic figures were hurrying. The city vanished, and a
+pile of huge mountains shot up their rugged peaks, around which golden
+islands lay anchored, all glowing with light. Away one side, I noticed a
+grave, corpulent, and shadowy old gentleman, astride an elephant, smoking a
+pipe, and he puffed himself finally away into the heavens, and I have never
+seen him since--a solemn warning to persons who use tobacco.
+
+Venison said "we had better hunt up our camping-ground, for his stomach was
+getting holler, and he wanted to fill it up."
+
+Below us, a sparkling stream put into the river. Just above it, a mile or
+so, lay a broad lake, which was fed from this same stream--it came in from
+the wilderness. We started for this lake, and wound our way up this little
+creek amid the struggling shafts of sunlight that hung over it. The
+water-fowl were hurrying past us, towards the same spot, to take up their
+night's lodging, and we drove flocks of them ahead as we crowded upon them.
+The dip of our oars echoed among the shadows. We reached our ground,
+unloaded our gear, and prepared for the night.
+
+Venison directed Jim Buzzard to build a "stack" and get supper. So, a pile
+of stones was laid up, with a flat one across the top, leaving a hole
+behind for the smoke to escape. Venison knocked over a gray duck on the
+lake with his rifle, and it was not long before we had four feet of
+pickerel and that self-same duck sprawled out on the hot stone, frying.
+
+Venison was rather gloomy. "This," said he, "makes me think of times gone.
+I used to camp here all alone, years ago, when there warn't no settlers for
+miles. I used to catch otter and beaver and rat, and sleep out weeks to a
+time. But the beaver and otter are gone."
+
+"Beaver here?" inquired I.
+
+"Why, not more'n nor a mile or so up this creek, I've killed piles on 'em.
+Why, I seed a company on 'em, up there, once, of two or three hundred. They
+com'd down one spring and clear'd off acres of ground that had grown up to
+birch saplings, that they wanted to build a dam with, and there they let
+the trees lie until August. Then they started to build their houses all
+over the low water in the mash--great houses four or five feet through--and
+they work'd in companies of four or five on a house till they got 'em done.
+You jist ought to see 'em carry mud and stones between their fore-paws and
+throat, and see 'em lay it down and slap it with their tails, like men who
+work with a trowel."
+
+"Well," said I, "about those trees that they cleared off?"
+
+"When they got 'em done, then they all jined in to build a dam, to raise up
+the water, so't wouldn't freeze up the doors of their houses. And then
+there was a time on't. You might see 'em by moonlight, pitching in the
+trees, and swimming down the stream with 'em, and laying 'em in the current
+of the creek, like so many boys."
+
+"Pshaw!" said I.
+
+"Yes, sir! I seed one night a lot of beavers drawing one of the biggest
+trees they had cut. It was more'n six inches through. They got it part over
+the bank, when it stuck fast. Jest the top of the tree was in the water,
+and there were four or five on 'em sousing round in the water, pulling this
+way and that, and as many more on the bank jerking at it, until byme-by it
+went in kerswash; the beavers all took hold on't, then, and towed it to the
+dam."
+
+"And so they really built a dam?"
+
+"A dam three feet high, and forty or fifty long--all laid up with birch
+trees, and mud and stones, so tight 'tain't gone yet. The beaver have gone
+long ago, but the dam hain't."
+
+"How did you catch 'em?" said I.
+
+"When the fur is good, in the winter, we jest went round with our
+ice-chisels and knocked their houses to pieces, when away they would go for
+their _washes_, as we used to call 'em, where we fastened 'em in and
+catch'd 'em."
+
+"Washes? what are they?" inquired I.
+
+"Holes the beavers dig in the bank, partly under water, where they can run
+in and breathe without being seen."
+
+Venison was going on to tell me how many beaver skins he got, but the duck
+and fish were done, and had been divided up by Jim Buzzard, and handsomely
+laid out on a piece of clean bark, ready to eat.
+
+We ranged ourselves in a row, squat upon the ground like so many Turks,
+drew our hunting-knives, and went to work. I looked out upon the lake that
+lay like a looking-glass, draped with gauze, at my feet. Day was dying over
+it like a strain of music. One slender bar of light lay trembling along its
+eastern shore. By and by it crept up the bank; from that to a mound behind,
+and from which it took a leap to a hill a mile distant, where it faded and
+faded into twilight. The water-fowl were screaming among the flags, and I
+noticed a belated hawk winging his way through the air on high, to his home
+in the forest. I could almost hear the winnowing of his wings in the silent
+sky. A chick-a-dee-dee came bobbing and winding down an oak near me, for
+the purpose of coaxing a supper. The trees began to assume uncertain
+shapes--the arms of the oaks stretched out longer and longer. The new moon
+grew brighter and brighter in the west. There it hung, looking down into
+the lake. The river sent up its hollow roar, the mists settled thicker and
+thicker, and solemn night at last came down over the wilderness.
+
+After I had finished my watch of departing day, I looked around for my
+company. "Jim" had been stuffing himself for the last half hour, until he
+had grown as stupid as an over-fed anaconda. His jaws were moving very
+slowly over the bone of a duck--his eyes were drowsy--and every now and
+then he heaved a long-drawn sigh--a kind of melancholy groan over his
+inability to eat any more.
+
+Venison said "we must build up our night fire to keep off the varmints,"
+and accordingly we reared a pile of brush of logs, set it a-going, made up
+our bed of withered leaves, ranged ourselves in a circle with our feet
+turned to the blaze, and were soon lost in sleep.
+
+Morn broke over us lovely as ever. As the first gray streaks began to melt
+away, Venison roused up to get a deer for breakfast. We went out on to a
+run-way, hid ourselves in the bushes, and soon a large buck, his antlers
+swung aloft, came snuffing and cracking along over the leaves, on his way
+to the lake to take his morning drink. Pop! and over he went, and soon his
+"saddles" were taken out and carried into camp, our stack started, and
+breakfast prepared.
+
+Another day was loitered away among the fish--another day, beautiful as the
+last, we floated over the lake, and threaded the stream that poured into
+it. At night we found ourselves safely moored at Puddleford, our boat
+loaded with fish, and my soul filled with a thousand beautiful pictures of
+nature, that hang there winter and summer, as bright and lovely as life
+itself.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+     Educational Efforts.--Squire Longbow's "Notis."--"The
+     Saterday Nite."--Ike and the Squire.--Various Remarks to the
+     Point.--Mrs. Fizzle and the Temperance Question.--Collection
+     taken.--General Result.
+
+
+There has been much written in the world about the benefits of education. I
+am very sure that its importance was not overlooked in Puddleford. I cannot
+say that the village has ever produced giants in literature, but it has
+produced great men, comparatively speaking and judging, and very great if
+we take the opinion of the Puddlefordians themselves. Somebody once said
+that "in the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed are monarchs," and I
+suppose it was upon this principle, if we give the maxim a literal
+construction, that Squire Longbow, who had lost an eye, as the reader may
+recollect, had become elevated to such a pitch among his neighbors.
+
+Education, in almost every western community, stands at about a certain
+level among the masses. That level changes with changing generations, but
+very seldom among individuals of the same. I ought perhaps to exclude the
+Squire, who was an exception to all general rules, and would have
+undoubtedly distinguished himself anywhere and under any circumstances. The
+children of the pioneer, or a portion of them, receive educational
+advantages, which had been denied the father, and their children still
+greater, until at last the polished statue rises out of the marble in the
+quarry.
+
+But there were efforts making at Puddleford, about the time I allude to, to
+increase the common stock of knowledge, and keep up the general reputation
+of Puddleford with that of the world, which ought not to pass unnoticed.
+
+One day in November, I discovered the following notice posted up in the
+streets, and nailed to several trees adjacent to the highways in the
+country:--
+
+     "NOTIS
+
+     "To all it may konsarn--men, wimmin, and their children.
+     Whareas, edication, and knowlidg of all sorts, is very
+     likely to run down in all knew countrys, owin to a great
+     manny reasons that aint propper to go into this ere
+     notis--and whareas many of the habitants of Puddleford and
+     the circumjacint country all round bout it, are in danger of
+     suffering that way--And whareas a few of us leading men have
+     thot on the matter, and concluded that sumthing must very
+     soon be did, or til be too late--therefore a meeting will be
+     held at the log-chapel next Saterday nite, to raise up the
+     karacter of the people in this respect.
+
+                         (Signed.)
+
+                           'SQUIRE LONGBOW And others.'"
+
+On the "Saterday nite," mentioned in the above "notis," I attended at the
+log-chapel, for the purpose of raising up the "karacter of the people." The
+gathering was large--made up of men and women, and quite a number were in
+from the country. Squire Longbow, the "Colonel," "Stub Bulliphant" the
+landlord of the Eagle, Ike Turtle the pettifogger, Sile Bates his opponent,
+Charity Beadle, Philista Filkins, "Aunt Graves," "Sister Abigail," Sonora
+Brown, and a large number of others, made up the meeting. It was very
+evident that something _would_ be done. Pretty soon Ike Turtle rose, gave a
+loud rap with his fist on the side of the house, and said it was "high time
+this ere body came to order, and he would nominate Squire Longbow for
+President."
+
+"You've heerd the nomination," continued the Squire, rising slowly from his
+seat in another part of the house. "You who are in my favor say Ay!"
+
+"Ay!" exclaimed the house.
+
+"Clear vote--no use in putting the noes;" and Squire Longbow took his stand
+in the pulpit, and proceeded:--
+
+"Feller-citizens, ladies and gentlemen, all on you who are here, just keep
+still while I thank you. We have cum up here on a pretty big
+business--neither more nor less than edication. P'raps you don't all on you
+know that edication makes everybody and everything--it made our
+forefathers, it made some of us, and is a going to make our children, if
+_we_ do _our_ duty. You have made me President on this occasion, and it is
+my duty to thank you, and feller-citizens, you don't, you can't, no man
+_can_ tell how I feel when--"
+
+Here Ike Turtle rose. "Squire Longbow," said Ike, "arn't it rather
+on-parliamentary to be speaking when you hain't got no secretary to take
+things down?"
+
+The Squire was thunderstruck. "No secretary!" he exclaimed, "no secretary!
+all void! but I'll appoint Sile Bates secretary _tunk pro nunck_ (nunc pro
+tunc), as we say in law, and that'll save proceedings--and as I was
+saying," continued the Squire, "no man can tell how I feel, pressed down as
+I am with the responsibility that you have thrown on to me." The Squire
+then took his seat.
+
+Ike Turtle rose again to state the object of the meeting. He said "he was
+an old residenter, and he had in fact grown up with the country. He had
+seed everything go ahead except edication. Taking out the President,
+members of the larned professions, the school-master, and the man who
+tended Clewes' grocery, there warn't hardly a person of edication left.
+Now," continued Ike, warming up, "this shouldn't orter be--we should all
+set about de _tar_ mined to do something ('Amen!' groaned Father Beals.)
+Why, if it looks dark, feller-citizens, remember the dark days of the
+revolution, when the soldiers went roaming about, with a piece of
+corn-bread in one hand, nothing in t'other, with ragged uniforms on, and
+little or no breeches, yet all the while busting with patriotism. Jest turn
+your eyes backwards on to them times, and you'll think you're in paradise.
+Something's got to be did for edication. We've got to have a Lyceum, a
+library, and lecters on all the subjects of the day. (Here 'Aunt Graves'
+gave a groan, as she expected all this would be accomplished by taxation.)
+Don't groan over yender," exclaimed Ike, "'taint right to groan at a new
+thing just a-starting--might as well groan down a child for fear he
+wouldn't be a man. Yes, they must be had--I say they must! or we'll all run
+to seed, and die. Why, Christopher Columbus, men and women, how many on you
+don't know your right hand from your left, scientifically speaking, and
+byme-by we shall go to ruin as old Nineveh did. Mr. President, I move that
+a collection be taken for the gineral purposes of this meeting."
+
+I was a little puzzled to determine whether Ike was serious or not. With
+all his eccentricities, he was a good citizen, and always put his shoulder
+to the public wheel. When he made his motion to take up a collection, a
+dead calm fell upon the audience. After a few moments, Sile Bates rose, and
+said,--
+
+He "hoped this 'spectable meeting warn't going to Peter-out."
+
+The calm continued. Squire Longbow stepped forward from his seat in the
+pulpit, and remarked that "he couldn't see what difference it would make a
+thousand years hence whether they did anything, or whether they didn't."
+
+A man from the country "didn't know what money had to do with edication."
+
+The Colonel said his pockets were "as dry as a powder-house."
+
+One old lady thought "somebody'd have to sign for her 'fore spring."
+
+Aunt Graves thought that "poor folks, who lived on bil'd vittels, hadn't
+orter be called on."
+
+The hat was, however, passed around, and three dollars and seventy-five
+cents raised, "for the gineral purposes of the meeting," according to Ike's
+motion; and I will say here that this amount was appropriated towards the
+purchase of books for the Puddleford library, which was established at this
+meeting, and which has now grown into usefulness and importance.
+
+The hat was reached up to the secretary, who gave it a couple of shakes,
+declaring at the same time, that he was "happy to say that the public
+spirit of Puddleford hadn't gin out yet."
+
+Squire Longbow then rose and said, that "some plan must be laid to get up a
+set of lecters. There were three great sciences, law, preaching, and
+physic--law consarned property, physic consarned the body, and preaching
+consarned the soul. These sciences must be scattered, so everybody could
+enjoy 'em. He could talk on law himself, and Bigelow could on preaching,
+and physic was understood, any way. There were other subjects which would
+come up in their order. There was paintin', and poetry, and music--but them
+warn't of no account in a new country where money was skase. Politics was
+one of the uncertain sciences, and it didn't do much good to speak on't,
+any how. A feller might study and study, and just likely as not the next
+election would blow him into fiddle-strings. Yet politics had got to be
+had, 'cause that was what kept the country alive, and made liberty grow.
+Old Gineral Washington himself had a little on't. He said 'twas one etarnal
+job to start edication, but jist get the thing a-goin once, and it'll move
+off like ile--it'll run rite off like a steam injin."
+
+Ike said "he know'd a curtain lecter or two might be had," looking round at
+Stub Bulliphant. "They warn't the worst kind nother. They'd bring a man all
+up standin', when nothin' else would. He'd seen a fellow cave right in
+under one on 'em, and come out as cow'd as a whipt spaniel. About lecterin'
+on politics, he didn't know. He guessed the bushes were a little too thick
+to talk on that, yet. He hoped the meetin' would speak right out, and
+'spress their feelin's, wimmin and all."
+
+Old Mrs. Fizzle had been watching the movement of this august body for some
+time, and had thought, several times, that it was her duty to speak. When
+Ike, therefore, invited "women and all," she concluded to try it. She was a
+tall, weasel-faced looking person, and belonged to Bigelow's church. She
+was an out-and-out temperance woman, and had kept all Puddleford hot by her
+efforts to put down the sale of intoxicating drinks. She was a fiery,
+nervous, active, good sort of a woman. Mrs. Fizzle rose. She said "she
+thought she would give this meetin' a piece of her mind, consarnin' things
+in general. She didn't know but the meetin' was well enough--she liked
+meetins--she said she didn't care nothin' about politics, never did her any
+good as she know'd on--she didn't want to hear any lecters any way 'bout
+that. If some on 'em would talk 'bout temperance, she'd turn out, and give
+a little something to help the cause along. She said if she really thought
+that this meetin' could stop Clewes from selling licker, she'd tend it
+reg'lar."
+
+"Certainly, ma'am," said Ike, rising, and turning his eyes towards Mrs.
+Fizzle. "We'll put a _ha_bus corpus on to him 'fore breakfast to-morrow
+morning."
+
+Mrs. Fizzle said, "she didn't know what that was, and she didn't care much,
+if 'twould only hold him tight."
+
+Ike said "it would hold him--couldn't break it no how--it was made by the
+law to catch just such chaps with."
+
+"Wal," said Mrs. Fizzle, "if the law made it, I'm 'fraid on't. I've hearn
+tell how folks creep through holes the law leaves. I don't like your
+scorpus, as you call it."
+
+Squire Longbow rose. "He felt it his duty to say, that a writ of habus
+scorpus would hold anything on airth. It was one of the biggest writs in
+all nater. He could hold all Clewes' grocery with one on 'em. He felt it
+his duty further to say this as a magistrate, who was bound by his oath to
+take care of the law."
+
+Mrs. Fizzle "thought that would do. She had great 'spect for the Squire's
+opinion--and she now thought she'd go in for the meetin'."
+
+Sile Bates said, "for his part, he thought the meetin' was getting a good
+deal mixed. 'Every tub orter stand on its own bottom,' as the Apostle Paul,
+Shakspeare, John Bunyan, or some other person said. We can't do everything
+all at onst; if we try, we can't make the Millennium come until 'tis time
+for't. We can kinder straighten up matters--hold onto the public morals a
+little more--and give edication a punch ahead. But who knows anything about
+the sciences in Puddleford? and who can lecter? 'When the blind lead the
+blind,' as the newspapers say, 'they all go head over heels into the
+ditch.' Great Cæsar Augustus, Mr. President, jist think of a lecter on
+'stronomy, that _etarnal_ science, which no man can lay his hands on, which
+the human intellect gets at by figuring. Just think of Bigelow Van Slyck,
+Ike Turtle, or _you_, Mr. President, measuring the distance to the stars.
+Don't it make your head swim, to think on't? He wouldn't say that the
+Squire couldn't lay down the law for the people, 'cause he made most on't,
+and ought to know it by heart. (The Squire gave a loud cough, and
+straightened himself in his seat.) As for licker, he always _was_ agin it,
+that is, he never touch'd it except in haying, harvesting, husking, and
+occasionally, a little along, between, when he didn't feel right. He
+s'posed he was a strict temperance man--was secretary of a teetotal society
+once, but it died out for want of funds to keep up lights and fires. He
+hop'd this meetin' wouldn't get so much on its shoulders, as to break down
+'fore it got started."
+
+There were several more speeches and suggestions made. There were two or
+three on the floor at once, several times, during the progress of business.
+Order was out of the question. A course of lectures was finally decided
+upon, and the meeting adjourned. The reader will not forget that the end
+had in view by this rough, deliberate body was noble; and, in their own
+way, they moved along steadily towards it. Such a people do not forget
+their duty, however ludicrously the discharge of it may be at first.
+
+Looking back from the present, over a period of ten years, at the
+proceedings of this meeting and its results, I feel quite disposed to write
+down Squire Longbow, Ike Turtle, and Sile Bates, among the philanthropists
+of the age.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+     Social War.--Longbow, Turtle & Co.--Bird, Swipes, Beagle &
+     Co.--Mrs. Bird.--Mrs. Beagle.--Mrs. Swipes--Turkey and
+     Aristocracy.--Scandal.--Husking-bees, and "such like."--The
+     Calathumpian Band.--The Horse-fiddle.--The Giant
+     Trombone.--The Gyastacutas.--Tuning up.--Unparalleled
+     Effort.--Puddleford still a representative Place.
+
+
+I have taken the liberty, in the preceding chapters, to speak freely of
+some of the leading characters of Puddleford. I have alluded to Longbow,
+Turtle, and Bigelow, not because they were the only people of the village,
+or the best; but because they were the rudder of society, and steered it
+along in the same way that ships are guided over stormy waters. Now, there
+were a great many more very excellent folks, who helped chink in and fill
+up around these more important personages, and make up an harmonious whole.
+Zeke Bird, the blacksmith, was one; Tom Beagle, the shoemaker, another; Lem
+Swipes, the tailor, still another. These men were among the first settlers
+of Puddleford, and had done as much towards its up-building as any other.
+They had immigrated from a place in Ohio, and consequently knew something
+about the world. All three families were cousins, or second cousins, to one
+another, and they acted in unison upon any public or social question.
+
+They hated, with a supreme hatred, Longbow, Turtle & Co., because they
+were "aristocrats." Mrs. Bird, who was a very impulsive, peak-nosed sort of
+a woman, and who always wore a red flannel petticoat protruding beyond her
+dress, and her shoes slip-shod, used to often say, "that if there was
+anything she did despise it was a stick-up. She didn't believe old Mrs.
+Longbow, or any of her darters, were any better than common folks; and
+she'd see the whole pack on 'em pumpin' lightning at two cents a clap,
+before she'd skrouch to 'em!"
+
+Mrs. Beagle was quite a different body. She was not so full of fire and
+fury as Mrs. Bird. She didn't allow her feelings to get the advantage of
+her malice. She moved more underground; yet she was always busy pecking
+away at that "up-street clique," as she called them.
+
+Mrs. Beagle was a neat, tidy body, and wore an air of great sincerity about
+her face. She used to say that "nothing grieved her _so much_ as to be
+compelled to believe anything bad 'bout her neighbors," and that "she never
+spoke of nothing till it got all over, and there warn't no use of holding
+in any longer." She made it her business to watch the morals and religion
+of all the Longbows, and Turtleses, and Bateses, and report accordingly.
+She said "she didn't know but it was all right for a member of the
+Methodist church, like Miss Lavinia Turtle, to wear three bows to her
+bonnet on Sunday--she didn't _know_--she warn't going to say--'haps she
+hadn't orter say--but the way _she_ looked at religion, 'twas as wicked as
+Cain--for herself, she made no pretensions, but when folks did, she wanted
+to see 'em lived up to." She said, "she meant to have Mrs. Bates turned out
+of the church for riding out on Sunday, for she'd seen her several times
+with her own eyes, six miles from town; but she wouldn't speak of it, if
+it warn't such a scandal on her profession;" besides, she had it from good
+authority, that "she water'd her milk 'fore she sold it, but she wouldn't
+say who told her, 'cause she promised not to."
+
+Mrs. Swipes was a fat, blouzy-faced, coarse, ignorant woman, and revenged
+herself by firing bombshells into the aristocratic camp every opportunity
+she could get, and cared but little what she said, or whom she hit, if she
+could only keep the enemy stirred up. "She'd heard that Mrs. Longbow's
+father got into jail once down in Pennsylvania, and that the hull batch on
+'em were as poor as Job's turkey; and that the old Squire himself had a
+pretty tight nip on't; but his friends bailed him out, and he lean'd for
+the west. As for Mrs. Bates, she _knew_ she'd lie, right flat out--she'd
+catch'd her dozens of times; and, of course, Lavinia couldn't be any
+better--for as the old cock crows, the young one learns. She wouldn't swap
+characters with any on 'em, not she."
+
+The husbands of these ladies thought just about as much of Longbow & Co. as
+their wives did. They were an indolent trio, and labored only enough to
+keep soul and body together. The rest of their time was devoted to the
+"Eagle tavern," street-lounging, and commentaries upon the daily
+developments of the aristocracy. Each one of the families of these cliques
+were social centres, around which others revolved, and drew all their light
+and heat. And then there were still other families, away down below the
+Birds and Beagles in the scale of respectability, who were ever warring
+upon _them_, proving
+
+    "That fleas have other fleas to bite 'em,
+    And so on, _ad infinitum_."
+
+I recollect attending a party, one evening during the winter, at Bird's,
+when the aristocracy took a regular broadside fire. It seemed that Longbow,
+some days previous, had a turkey on his table for dinner, which roused up
+all the wrath of his adversaries. Mrs. Bird said, "she really s'posed that
+he thought poor people couldn't have such things; but she'd let him know
+she'd lived on' turkeys before he ever know'd there was such a thing--and
+she had good sass with 'em too. Mrs. Longbow," she said, "cooked it for
+nothing in the world but to make her knuckle to her; but she'd never give
+in as long as _she_ drew the breath of life--that she wouldn't!"
+
+Mrs. Sonora Brown said, "that warn't all--Longbow had bo't a bran new
+carpet for down-stairs, and used sales-molasses for common, eenamost every
+day--and the clark in Clewes' grocery had got a goin' arter Lavinny every
+night--and Mrs. Longbow had got mift at Mrs. Weazel, because Weazel said he
+wouldn't stand any more of Longbow's decisions--and they'd got a burning
+sperm ile in the house instead-er taller--and they were a puttin' on the
+drefulest sight of airs, old woman and all, that ever was seen."
+
+Mrs. Beagle said "it was all true about the ile--she see'd it burn through
+the winder--and she'd seen a great many more things through the winder--but
+she warn't a going to tell what they were!"
+
+Mrs. Sonora Brown threw up her hands in horror, and said, "she had always
+suspected it, but darsn't say so."
+
+"O, shaw!" exclaimed Mrs. Beagle; "that's nothing to Bates' wife; she walks
+out arm-in-arm in broad daylight with her cousin that's been sneaking round
+there on a visit." She said, "Puddleford used to be a 'spectable village,
+but there warn't any morals any more since these high-flyers had got into
+it--and she guess'd Bates' wife was flaring out, and trading at the stores
+as much as Longbow."
+
+Mr. Bird very grumly said, "he'd better hold in, for if he didn't _hist_ a
+little note he had again' him 'fore long, he'd sue him to judgment, and
+_level_ an execution on everything he had, and clean him out."
+
+A yellow-looking woman, who sat in the corner, and who had just before
+remarked that "she'd had the shakin' ager onto her all winter," wanted to
+know if "the new _mar_chant was going to jine the upper crust, or be one of
+our folks."
+
+It was not long, however, before all were rattling away together, so that
+nothing but the emphatic words could be distinguished. Artillery,
+fire-arms, and all, were blazing. Such a scorching as the aristocracy
+received had hardly ever been equalled.
+
+Longbow & Co. did not care for their enemies. They rather felt proud of the
+notice bestowed upon them. Ike Turtle used to say, "'twas fun to stand and
+take the fire of fools;" but Squire Longbow's dignity was so profound, that
+he never permitted himself to know that there was really any war going on.
+
+Society in the country, among the farmers, was quite another thing.
+Puddleford village _had_ a country, and village pride looked down upon it,
+just as it does in larger places. The amusements and frolics of the country
+were more simple and hearty. In the winter, husking-bees, apple-parings,
+and house-warmings were held every week at some of the farm-houses. Great
+piles of corn were stacked up in barn, the girls and boys invited in for
+miles around, long poles run through strung with lanterns, and the husking
+rushed through, 'mid songs and jokes. Then all hands adjourned to the
+house, and drank "hot stuff," ate nuts, and played games, and stormed
+around, until they started the very shingles on the roof; while the great
+fireplace, piled up with logs into the very throat of the chimney, shook
+its shadows around the room in defiance of the winds that roared without.
+
+Now and then the country quality held a regular blow-out at Bulliphant's
+tavern. On these occasions, dancing commenced at two in the afternoon, and
+ended at daylight next morning. Dry goods and perfumery suffered about
+those days. The girls and boys dressed their hair with oil of cinnamon and
+wintergreen, and the Eagle smelt like an essence shop. It fairly
+overpowered the stench of Bulliphant's whiskey-bottles. Every one rigged
+out to within an inch of their lives. The girls wore ruffles on their
+pantalets frizzled down over their shoes, nearly concealing the whole foot;
+and all kinds and colors of ribbons streamed from their heads and waists.
+The "boys" mounted shirt-collars without regard to expense, and flaunted
+out their brass breast-pins, two or more to each, with several feet of
+watch-chain jingling in front. The landlord of the Eagle termed these
+gatherings his "winter harvest."
+
+Another amusement, frequent in the country, was the turnout of the
+"Calathumpian Band." The band, I am aware, did not originate with
+Puddleford. Newly-married couples were serenaded before it ever had an
+existence there. But _this_ band was one of the very finest specimens. No
+one knew exactly who its members were; but they were always on hand, soon
+after a wedding, in full uniform, with all their instruments in order. It
+was organized when the country was very new, and was, at the period I refer
+to, in the highest state of prosperity.
+
+One of its instruments was called the "horse-fiddle;" another the "giant
+trombone;" another the "_gyastacutas_." The "horse-fiddle" was two enormous
+bows, made of hoops, heavily stringed and rosined, with a beef-bladder,
+fully inflated, pushed between the string and the bow. The "great trombone"
+was a dry goods box, turned bottom-side up, and was played upon with a
+scantling eight or ten feet long. The edge of the box and the scantling
+were rosined, and it was worked by two men sawing up and down. The
+"gyastacutas" was a nail keg, with a raw hide strained over it, like a
+drum-head, and inside of the keg, attached to the centre of this drum-head,
+a string hung, with which this instrument was worked by pulling in the
+string and "let fly."
+
+Besides all these, the band were supplied with dinner horns, conch-shells,
+sleigh-bells, and sometimes guns and pistols.
+
+It assembled, usually about eleven o'clock at night, around the quarters of
+the newly-married couple, and within a day or two after marriage. Its
+members were dressed up like an army of scare-crows. Some wore their shirts
+outside, some their coats and vests buttoned behind, and some were attired
+in female dress. Its leader marched and countermarched this strange medley,
+and announced and conducted all the music. The band never moved without
+orders--it was thoroughly disciplined.
+
+The instruments were first put in tune. The trombone gave out a low and
+heavy growl--the "gyastacutas," a bung! the horse-fiddle sullenly
+replied--a chink-chink from a few pairs of bells, and a toot-e-toot from
+the horns and shells, showed the blast was near at hand.
+
+And such a blast! The infernal regions could not equal it. It roared and
+echoed for miles around. It fairly tore out the inside of one's head. The
+cows bellowed and the dogs barked, honestly believing that the dissolution
+of all things was at hand. The whole surrounding population roused up, for
+no person pretended to sleep when the Great Calathumpian Band was
+assembled.
+
+The reader must not suppose that this band was a mere congregation of boys.
+Not by any means; it was one of the institutions of the country--one of the
+public amusements of the day, and was patronized by young and old. Men had
+lived and died members of the Calathumpian Band, and are remembered in
+Puddleford for this, if nothing else.
+
+It is said that the songs and the amusements of a people determine their
+character. If this be true, the reader can judge something of the country
+population about Puddleford from the little sketch I have given of them.
+The amusements of the villagers themselves were quite miscellaneous. The
+"aristocracy," as Bird & Co. termed them, gathered every night at the
+Eagle, where they played cards, checkers, backgammon, made bets, discussed
+the affairs of the nation and the private affairs of their neighbors, drank
+a little whiskey, and went home at eleven or twelve o'clock deeply
+impressed with their own importance. Bulliphant's bar-room was their
+centre of gravity, and it was a matter of deep concern, if any member of
+the club was not found in his accustomed place. Longbow, Turtle, and Bates
+had actually unseated several pairs of pantaloons on the landlord's chairs,
+which proved clearly enough that _they_ were faithful members.
+
+Important business was transacted by this club. It made all the justices of
+the peace, constables, school inspectors, &c., &c., and was a controlling
+clique, in all political matters, within the township.
+
+The reader discerns that Puddleford, in most respects, was like other
+places. It had its divisions in society, its importance, its pomp and show,
+and relatively speaking, its aristocracy. It played through the same farce
+in a small way that larger places do on a more extended plan. Longbow felt
+just as omnipotent, walking up and down the streets of Puddleford, as the
+tallest grandee treading a city pavement. The scale of greatness was not as
+long in his village, but he stood as high on it as any other man in the
+world on his--and so long as he headed his own scale, it mattered but
+little to him where the "rest of mankind" were.
+
+It must have been a very remarkable character who once said, "human nature
+is always the same"--that the only difference in human pride and folly is
+one of degree. And I really hope there are none of my readers who feel
+disposed to look down upon Puddleford with contempt, because I have
+presented a few personages who have innocently caricatured what others
+daily practise, who have been polished in the very laboratory of fashion.
+Puddleford ought not, for that reason, to be condemned.
+
+It seems to me that it may, on the contrary, be a lesson to such, _because_
+it makes a burlesque of itself in chasing folly. Puddleford is a great
+looking-glass, which reflects the faces of almost every person who looks
+into it, and proves, what that remarkable character said, "that human
+nature is always the same."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+     Puddleford and Politics.--Higgins against Wiggins.--The
+     Candidates' Personale.--Their Platforms.--Delicate
+     Questions.--Stump Speaking.--Wiggins on
+     Higgins.--Impertinent Interruptions.--Higgins on
+     Wiggins.--Ike Turtle not dead yet.--Commotion.--Squire
+     Longbow restores Order.--Grand Stroke of Policy.--The Roast
+     Ox at Gillett's Corners.
+
+
+Puddleford was famous for its political excitements, and so indeed is a new
+country generally. Its people watched the altar of liberty with an "eternal
+vigilance." The qualifications of all persons, from a candidate for the
+presidency down to township constable, were thoroughly canvassed by the
+electors. What might be a qualification for office in Puddleford, might
+disqualify in another region, but we cannot expect that all men will think
+alike. We must not forget that office meant something in Puddleford--that
+it conferred honor on the man, whether the man conferred honor on it or
+not. A highway commissioner, or overseer of the poor, was a character
+looked up to, and a supervisor or justice were the oracles of their
+neighborhood.
+
+The merits and demerits of candidates were freely discussed at public
+meetings, held most usually in the open air, and composed of all parties.
+Aspirants for public favor, who were opposed to each other, met and made
+and answered arguments. All things in the "heavens above and the earth
+beneath," were raked up and presented at these gatherings. The creation of
+the world--Adam and Eve--Cain--Jerusalem--Greece and Rome--the revolution,
+and the last war, were dragged into speeches, and made material for
+electioneering.
+
+In the fall, subsequently to my settlement, Higgins ran against Wiggins for
+member of the legislature. It was said that this was one of the most
+exciting contests that Puddleford ever experienced. Every man, woman, and
+child were enlisted. The "Higgins" men didn't speak to the "Wiggins" men,
+nor the "Wiggins" men to the "Higgins" men, for more than two months, and
+the opposing families absolutely refused to visit.
+
+Wiggins was a little, waspish man, who lived in the country, and was called
+a "forehanded" farmer. He had been a justice of the peace in Cattaraugus
+county, State of New York, and thought as much of himself as he did of any
+other person living. He had a small, withered face, which looked like a
+frost-bitten apple, red hair, and a quick, restless eye. He was a violent
+politician, a shrewd manager, had a keen insight of human nature, some
+humor; and was and always had been a red-hot democrat. He rafted lumber for
+several years on the Susquehanna, where he received the greater part of his
+education. He could write his name, and had been known to attempt a letter,
+but no one was ever yet found who could read his correspondence. His
+orthography was decidedly bad. He spelled in a sort of short-hand way,
+which was not so objectionable, after all, as his language usually conveyed
+the pronunciation of the words intended. "Il" was used for "ile" or "oil;"
+"hos" stood for "horse;" "kanderdit for ofis," for "candidate for office,"
+and so on. His extemporaneous speaking was quite tolerable, and it was this
+gift which _had_ given him notoriety.
+
+Higgins was a man much after the sort of Wiggins, in many respects, though
+not altogether. He was a violent whig, and talked incessantly about his
+"glorious party." He was a large, tall, broad-breasted fellow, ignorant,
+cunning, and cut something of a swagger wherever he went. He drank whiskey,
+chewed a paper of fine-cut every day, read the newspapers, cursed the
+locofocos, prognosticated the downfall of the country, and pledged himself
+to die game, let what would happen.
+
+These candidates for office had a "platform," a part of which was intended
+for Puddleford, and a part for their common country--some planks of which
+were thrown in merely to catch votes, and some for future fame. Wiggins
+said he was for "giving immortal man full swing inter all things, and
+letting his natur fly loose like the winds." He was "for driving the
+American eagle inter every land, whether she'd go or not." He was "for a
+railroad and canal straight thro' Puddleford, to be built by the state,
+under the penalty of a revolution." He was "agin rich men everywhere, for
+they trampled down the poor." He was "for upsetting Longbow and his clique,
+and declared he would bring in a bill, if elected, that would blow the
+whole set out of sight." He was for "easy times," "plenty of cash," "little
+or no work," "good crops," and everything else the people wanted.
+
+Higgins was for "breaking down, and scat'ring locofocos everywhere." He
+went "for everything that's right, and agin everything that's wrong." He
+was for "beating Wiggins." He could "show that he hadn't patriotism enough
+to keep the breath warm in a four year old child! there warn't a spark of
+American glory in him. He wanted to sell out the whole country to the
+British, and would if elected! Besides, he kicked up a fuss in Bigelow's
+church, about the doctrines preached, and damaged religion." Higgins, it
+seemed to me, based his success upon the supposed unpopularity of Wiggins,
+and not upon any political principles of his own, while Wiggins relied upon
+the great fundamental truths that were shadowed forth in his platform.
+
+There were other questions which agitated the populace of Puddleford and
+its county, such as the sale of liquor, the removal of the Indians, &c.,
+&c., which both Higgins and Wiggins touched very tenderly, because it
+became necessary to advocate both sides, sometimes for and sometimes
+against, according to the views of those persons who happened at the time
+to be soliciting information.
+
+During the fall, I had the pleasure of hearing these two rival aspirants
+for office define their position before the people. The gathering was in a
+grove, very large for a new country, and made up of men, women, and
+children. Flags and inscriptions were flying here and there, some for
+Higgins and some for Wiggins, and every person was as brimful of patriotism
+as he could hold.
+
+Wiggins rose, and presented himself on a high platform that had been
+erected for the occasion, pulled up his collar, buttoned his coat, coughed
+a few times, and then took a leisurely survey of the crowd. "Feller
+citizens! men and women!" said he, "there is going to be an election, and
+I'm a-goin to run for office. Not that I care anything about the office
+itself, for I don't, a tinker's ladle, but I want to beat Higgins, who
+never ought to be trusted with the liberties of any people, and I'm willing
+to sacrifice something to do it. Feller citizens! I want to have you
+recollect where Higgins lives--at 'Satan's Half Acre!'--where they don't
+have any Fourth of July; no Sunday school, only about two months a year;
+and the same place, feller citizens, where they mobbed the temperance
+lecturer, and swore they'd drink streak-lightning if they were a-min-to!
+(Great applause, and cheers for Wiggins, mingled with oaths and hisses from
+Higgins' friends.) Feller citizens, Higgins is a leading man there, and
+accountable for all this; and if he is elected, we shall indorse all these
+doings."--A man from the "Half Acre," one of Higgins' friends, rose, and
+said he'd take the liberty of saying that was an "in_far_nal lie." Wiggins
+replied, by inquiring "if the meeting would see free discussion gagged
+down, here, in the presence of the immortal Washington, who, he hoped, was
+looking down on-to us!" whereupon the unfortunate man was pitched,
+headlong, out of the crowd. "Arter having looked at where Higgins lives,"
+continued Wiggins, "look at Higgins himself! what is he? what does he know?
+what can he do? Why, feller citizens, he was born down somewhere in a place
+so small, that it ain't on the map, and started life by tending a
+lime-kiln; but he broke down in this business, and was discharged. He next
+tried to go to school, but there warn't any class low down enough to get
+him into. He then tried hoss doct'ring; and you, feller citizens, know when
+a man turns out good-for-nothing, he goes rite into the larned
+professions. He tried hoss doct'ring! and, after laying out ten or a dozen
+of those noble animals inter the cold embrace of death (applause), he ran
+away to get rid of a summons that was clus arter him! Then he fiddled for a
+while winters, and laid off summers; then he druv stage, then he got-tor-be
+captain of a raft, his first office; but he stranded her, and she's never
+been got off yet. At last, he went to 'Satan's Half Acre,' where he thinks
+he ain't known, and actually, feller citizens, has the impudence to come up
+for office. (Great applause.)
+
+"Now," continued Wiggins, "having disposed of Higgins, I am going to launch
+out on the great political questions of the day--questions that swell up in
+me, and fairly make me tremble all over, to think on. We've a mighty sight
+to do, to take care of them liberties that was 'queathed to us by Gen'ral
+Washington, jest before he died. The old hero know'd he was a-going, but
+afore he went, he give us our liberty, and said all that he asked on us was
+to take care on it, and not let anybody steal or coax it away from us, but
+always hold on to it like a dog to a root. If it hadn't been for our
+party," exclaimed Wiggins, in a loud voice, "that great American eagle that
+has flew'd so long, and kivered our juvenil' years with his wings--that
+eagle, feller citizens, that sleeps on the ragin tornado, and warms himself
+in the sun--_that_ eagle, I say--_that_ eagle! eagle! would now be as dead
+as a smelt, lying on his back, a-groaning for help. (Great applause, and
+three cheers.) (Wiggins said he hoped the audience would hold in their
+manifestations of applause as much as they could, as it scattered his
+thoughts.) The fust whig," continued Wiggins, "that we have any notis' on
+in his'try, is the old feller with tail and horns, who goes to and fro, up
+and down the airth; and he, you know, stole all-er Job's property, killed
+off his children, and came pretty near killing the old man himself. The
+next was John Adams, who didn't want anybody to come into the country, nor
+say nothing after they had got here. He, feller citizens, was for exploding
+all the glories of natur, and drying up the e_tar_nal fountains of hope and
+consolation--for turning man back again into the regions of confusion,
+where all is night and misery! (Very great applause, followed by a flight
+of hats in the air.) The next whig was everybody that supported old John,
+such as Higgins and his party.
+
+"Now, feller citizens, what's the reason you hain't got any more money?
+It's because the laws ain't right. Man was born to have enough of
+everything. This is a big world we live in--it ram'fys itself all round the
+'quator, and its mountains diversify themselves into infinity. You own your
+part on't just as much as the greatest nabob; and all you've got to do is
+to stand up to the rack, vote for true men, and you'll get it; and it's
+your duty to rise in your wrath, break the chains of oppression, and
+declare that you'll never lay down the sword until the last enemy is
+routed." (More applause.) Here a solemn-faced man rose, and asked Wiggins
+to define himself on the "licker question." "Thank you, sir," replied
+Wiggins--"was just comin' to that." "The licker question--the licker
+question," continued Wiggins, speaking with gravity, for there was a great
+division of opinion among his hearers on that subject--"the licker
+question, feller citizens, is a _great_ question. Some people drink, some
+don't--some drink a little, some a good deal. The licker question is a
+question that a great many folks talk about. _I_ talk about it myself, and"
+(the same man rose again, and ask'd Wiggins if he would "vote agin licker?"
+Wiggins said "it throw'd him off his balance, to be disturb'd in public
+speaking")--"everybody know'd how he stood on that pint--he'd never
+chang'd; he stood where his forefathers did; he went the whole hog on the
+licker question"--("Which side?" inquired the man.) "Which side? which
+side?" ejaculated Wiggins: "do you wanter trammel up a free and
+in_der_pendent citizen of this mighty republic! How do I know, _here_, what
+I shall be called upon to vote _for_ or _agin_! Ask me to say I'll vote
+agin something that hain't come up yet! When David knocked over the great
+giant Goliah, do you 'spose he knew just where he'd throw the stone to hit
+him." "Yes-sir-ee," exclaimed Higgins, springing on his feet "he did that
+very thing." Wiggins "hoped order would be preserved. I shall leave to the
+expansive development of the times," continued Wiggins, his arms flying
+like a windmill, "the blazing energies of the day, and cling to the
+constitution till it goes out inter the expiring regions of oblivion."
+(Three cheers were given.)
+
+Wiggins sat down, evidently quite exhausted; and I noticed that he had made
+a decided impression. Higgins rose, stripped off his coat and vest, rolled
+up his shirt-sleeve, stuffed a quarter-paper of tobacco into his cheek, and
+"ascended the platform." He said he was a humble citizen, and warn't com'd
+of rich or larned folks--he _had_ tended lime-kiln--he _had_ doctor'd
+hosses--he _had_ druv stage; and he was goin' to drive and doctor a
+jackass. (Much cheering.) He had always _worked_ for his living. He'd give
+five dollars to any man who'd tell him where Wiggins _was_ born, or show
+that he ever did anything. _He_ lived on the sweat, and the blood, and the
+brains of the people. He'd tended grocery, peddled calickers, try'd to talk
+law once, and was now on a farm, just for appearance' sake. For himself, he
+was a humble link in the great whig chain. (Ike Turtle said he s'posed he
+was that link called the _swivel_.) Higgins, with an affected pleasantry,
+asked Turtle "how long it was since he run'd away from the State of New
+York, for debt?" Turtle replied, that "Wiggins ought to know, for he was
+along with him"--whereupon a tremendous shout was raised in favor of
+Turtle. Higgins rallied and proceeded. He said "he warn't goin' to talk
+about the devil, and John Adams--he didn't know nothing about either on
+'em--it was entirely agin his religion to speak of such things before such
+a 'spectable audience. (Some sensation.) What he wanted to do was, to carry
+the great, _etar_-nal, glorious principles of his party rite strait inter
+every mortal being, and save the country, which now lies bleeding at its
+last gasp." (Ike asked Higgins to "throw him down a bundle of them
+principles, and if they suited him, he'd take a few.")
+
+Somebody told Turtle to sit down, whereupon Turtle appealed to the crowd,
+and inquired if they'd see a citizen gagged down. ("No! no!" was the
+reply.)
+
+Higgins went on. He said Wiggins warn't so near straight on the licker
+question as his yaller dog at hum, for his dog never got drunk, and Wiggins
+did, sometimes. ("That's a lie!" exclaimed Wiggins.) "Of course he'll deny
+it, feller citizens--I would, if I was in his place--but I, feller
+citizens, without fear of man, not caring about an election, step forth,
+and say to you all, in the full blaze of day, that _I'll do all for the
+cause that lies in my power_, having in view the interests of everybody in
+this republic." (Applause.)
+
+Higgins said that "he was sorry to see such a man as Wiggins trying to
+quote scripter to this audience--a man, feller citizens, is Wiggins--who
+don't know whether David was the son of Goliah, or Goliah the son of
+David--a man who don't know whether Paul wrote the book of Genesis, or
+Genesis the book of Paul--a swearin' man, feller citizens; and yet he talks
+about Goliah throwing stones at David. (Wiggins wished to correct
+Higgins--it was the other way--David threw the stone at Goliah.)
+Howsomever," continued Higgins, "he talks about the stones _bein' thrown_,
+and uses the scripters in this way; and arn't it a vile way, feller
+citizens, to catch your votes--to run himself into the legislater with,
+where he can knock over the liberties of the country, and make the green
+fields a howlin' waste again!" (This was followed by very great applause.)
+
+After the applause ceased, Ike Turtle rose with gravity, and reaching forth
+a bottle towards Higgins, inquired if "he wouldn't _have a little_, as
+natur couldn't bear up long under such rackin' thoughts."
+
+Higgins said he didn't believe this free and highly moral and religus
+audience would long stand a party who'd throw a jug of licker inter their
+faces.
+
+Turtle replied that it was a mere experiment. He bro't it on pur_pos_ to
+see if there was _any_ place where Wiggins _wouldn't_ drink. (This raised a
+shout.)
+
+Wiggins retorted by saying that "he never had made a walking grocery of
+himself." (Much laughter.)
+
+Turtle "didn't know about that--if he did he carried it _inside_." The
+whole meeting finally got into a commotion, each party taking sides. Squire
+Longbow set up a hue and cry, "In the name of the people of ----," and
+order was restored. I heard him say, after the crowd had become quiet,
+"that the constitution guaranteed talking, and altho' he was on t'other
+side in politics, he must say, as a magistrate, that it guaranteed Higgins
+the floor, as the great Story decided in his chapter on rows and mobs."
+
+Higgins bowed to Squire Longbow, and proceeded. "I'm not goin' to say much
+more, and, finally, feller citizens," he continued, "I won't say any more.
+The audience is _so_ intelligent, understand so well all the principles of
+gov'ment, from Noah's family that sailed inter the ark, down to the
+remotest possibility of futer gen'rations--have so weigh'd everything
+'longing to 'em, before the morning stars sang, and dirgested it by
+piece-meal--that it would be an everlasting insult for _me_ to attempt to
+talk furder--and in conclusion I will say: Three cheers for the dying
+heroes who got our freedom, and who now lie a-sleeping on the shores of
+glory!" (Tremendous applause, accompanied by cheers and swinging of hats.)
+
+I have given, I believe, the substance of the first two speeches, but these
+were only introductory to those that followed. It was expected, when the
+meeting opened, that the speaking would occupy most of the day, and the
+specimens which I have reported were merely straws thrown out to determine
+which way the wind blew. The real questions at issue were dexterously
+dodged by sallies of wit and flights of unmeaning bombast.
+
+Wiggins mounted the stand again, and spoke for an hour. He told a large
+number of humorous stories, and turned their point against Higgins--then he
+sailed away into the clouds astride a burst of nonsense--then he came down
+again. At one time, while Wiggins was "cavorting in the upper regions," as
+Turtle called it, Sile Bates, who was a whig, started to his feet, and
+placing his closed hand to one eye, and cocking the other, he stared away
+after him, as earnestly as if he were just passing out of sight. Higgins
+followed, and the speaking was kept up, alternately, until about four
+o'clock in the afternoon, when the meeting closed, without either Higgins
+or Wiggins defining their position, or saying one word indicative of their
+future political course.
+
+Just as the meeting closed, Ike Turtle, who was the real political manager
+on the part of the democratic party, rushed up to the speakers' stand, and
+swinging his hat round, cried out at the top of his lungs, "Feller
+citizens! The democratic party, knowin' that the speaking would last a good
+while, and that natur might become exhausted in listenin' and 'tendin' to
+the duties of our common country, have prepared a roasted ox, down at
+'Gillett's Corners' with all the fixins, where we want you all to go, whigs
+and democrats, both Higgins and Wiggins, and particularly the ladies, who
+have turned out so nobly--and the young folks can have a dance in the
+evenin' if they wish."
+
+Here was a stroke of management worth all the speeches of the day. No one
+suspected that there was a dinner in preparation, and when Ike made the
+announcement, there was a shout that came from the heart, and made the
+woods ring. And the meeting adjourned to "Gillett's Corners."
+
+Several other public political gatherings were held, and a very large
+amount of breath, time, and eloquence were expended; but the result was the
+election of Wiggins by a tremendous majority, and I do not now recollect of
+hearing of an allusion, by him, in the legislature, to any of those
+"leading measures" that occupied his thoughts on the "stump."
+
+I believe, after all, that the country was very well represented. Wiggins
+used about as much gas and deception in securing his seat as a New York
+politician, but not any more; but after he had obtained it, he felt and
+acted like a representative of the people, who had a reputation of his own
+to sustain. When I say "well represented," I mean that _he did no
+harm_--nor any good either--but always voted right on party questions,
+because his name began with W, and was nearly the last called--if it had
+begun with A, he would have ruined himself, and perhaps his country--so
+true it is that a man's fame or infamy may hang by a single thread.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+     Winter upon us.--The Roosters in the early Morning.--The
+     Blue-Jays and the Squirrels.--The Improvident Turkey.--The
+     Domestic Hearth, and who occupied it.--The Old Dog.--The
+     Blessed Old Mail-Horse.--The Newspapers.--Our
+     Come-to-Tea.--Mrs. Brown, her Arrival and
+     Experiences.--Entrée of Bird, Beagles & Co.--Conflicting
+     Elements, and how Ike Turtle assimilated all.--Gratifying
+     Consequences.
+
+
+My little family, that I have spoken of, were quietly nestled away in the
+log hut, and winter was now upon us. The days came and went, and were
+marked by light and darkness, and our own domestic joys. There were no
+startling events to disturb any person's serenity--no rise or fall of
+stocks--no fires--no crashes in business--no downfall of pride--no bustle
+in the streets about the latest news--no nothing. The world moved on as
+monotonous as the tick-tick of a clock.
+
+The gray of each morning was first heralded by a famous rooster, which I
+had imported from the east. He blew his clarion voice at about four, and I
+used to lie and hear its echoes wander away off through the streets of
+Puddleford, until they finally expired in the wilderness. He was usually
+answered by some half-awakened cock, whose drowsy, smothered crow was quite
+ludicrous. Then he would give another blast--and get, usually, a snappish
+answer from some quarter, saying as well as it could be said--"Well, I
+know it--what of it?" Pretty soon, a braggadocio fellow would belch forth
+in a coarse, sullen strain--"I've been-up-these-_two_-hours." This was
+followed, often, by the cracked voice of some nervous old fellow, away in
+another direction, declaring, "I rather guess you _h--a--i--n--t_." And so
+one after another, strain was added to strain, until the whole orchestra
+were blowing their horns in the face of opening day.
+
+At sunrise, the blue-jays and other birds gathered about the door and
+garden, to pick the dry seeds that the weeds were shedding on the earth.
+What are snow birds? Where do they live? See them chirping in yonder ray of
+sunlight--darting hither and thither, like motes in a beam of light. See
+them go whirling through the tempest, like angel spirits, beautiful in the
+very midst of the storm. What are they? Do they sleep on the wings of the
+wind, or hide themselves in a scroll of snow? How is it that these little
+singing harps live on amid such dreary scenes? The blue-jays, however, were
+very petulant. Their gorgeous summer plumage was exceedingly mussed, and
+they went about from bush to bush, and tree to tree, screaming and fretting
+at each other and themselves. They acted like so many Siberian prisoners,
+who were forced to brave the blasts as the penalty of some crime they had
+committed.
+
+Sometimes, a keen, frosty night would be succeeded by a still, sunny day,
+when the eaves pattered their sleepy music, and the cows strayed away into
+the forest, as though they smelt approaching spring--when the cats flew out
+of the house, and chased each other up into the trees, and the dog went
+away by himself, wandering along the river-banks for reasons known only to
+himself.
+
+These were visiting days, holidays, jubilee days, for those animals that
+were housed in trees, and burrowed in the earth. Go forth into the woods.
+You may, on such a day, see the squirrel push out his head from the door of
+his castle, where he has been confined for a month, and cautiously look
+over the landscape--then dart in again. Soon he pushes himself out farther,
+and farther, and timidly glides down to the foot of the tree. Then he tries
+the snow, and then again, and finally goes cantering to the nearest stump,
+and chirruping, up he goes with a flirt, throws his tail over his back,
+sits down, and breaks forth into a burst of song.
+
+Do you believe that squirrel remembers his last summer rambles in those
+woods--yon rivulet where he drank, now sleeping beneath its silver
+frost-work, and chanting its low, muffled dirge--yon icy knoll, that stood,
+last June, a pyramid of flowers--yon hickory where he harvested his nuts?
+Is his song for the present or the past?
+
+Look a little farther--the solemn tread of the turkey--who is busy
+disinterring some of the buried mast of autumn. Such a day is a bright page
+in the winter life of the turkey. She comes forth from beneath the roots of
+upturned trees, from thickets or hollow logs, where she has been so long
+cowering and starving, to hail the blessed warmth. She dreamed away the
+summer, stalking about from wood to stream, and stream to wood--she passed
+the provident squirrel often, in October, and saw him roll in his winter
+stores, but she didn't know why; and now she is shovelling the snow,
+scattering it right and left with her feet, with a melancholy twit! twit!
+to get a kernel of bread.
+
+Farther on is a little gorge sloping up from the brook, and on such days
+the snows melt off, and the banks grow warm, and the green grass shines as
+brightly as it did in May. It is soft and spring-like _there_. The sunbeams
+seem to be all tangled together in that spot. There are clusters of winter
+birds sporting in this temple, and occasionally one breaks forth with a
+note or two of her last June's song, as though she were just twanging her
+harp to try its strings. They think those tangled sunbeams are the footfall
+of April, and so they chirrup, and flutter, and bow to them, and seem to
+ask where gentle May is, and when she is coming with her music and flowers.
+
+Sometimes the fog from the river would freeze upon the trees during a
+night, and the sun would rise upon a forest all burst out into a white
+bloom. As the sun rose higher, the little particles glittered and flashed,
+and then it was a forest of silver--every shrub, every bush, every tree,
+was silver. The woods were a frozen poem--written in a night by invisible
+fingers, to be read for an hour or two, and then scattered away in shining
+scales, forever. These natural changes and beauties were all that there
+were to attract attention, and arrest our out-door thoughts. How different
+is all this from the life of a resident of some large city--where the life
+of a man is read in the street--and where each day shifts its pictures with
+its revolution, like the changing colors of a kaleidoscope!
+
+In-doors, however, was the domestic hearth. There were joys there that knew
+no winter. Wife and children--how many? I said _three_--but were there not
+more? There was the babe, the creeping infant, the tottering child, in
+each. The portraits of half a dozen children were daguerreotyped on my soul
+as I looked at one. But a part were dead!--the babe had died in the infant,
+and the infant in the child--not died, either, but one grace had faded
+into another, one beauty had risen upon the ruins of another, until the
+child was born where the infant perished, we know not when nor how. Instead
+of two, I always felt that I had a family of little ones about me.
+
+And then, that old dog that had been with us for years, and shared our
+fortunes and misfortunes, always the same, under all circumstances--he was
+one of the family. He used to pioneer the children a half a mile to school,
+and wag his tail, and bid them "good morning," as he left them at the door.
+He was also there in waiting, at night, to escort them home again. He used
+to walk around, over the farm, and examine this thing and that, as though
+he was half proprietor of the premises. He used to sleep during the long
+winter evenings by the fire, his nose between his fore paws, his hind legs
+stretched out full length, and dream of scouring the woods--first a tremor!
+then a twitch! then a bark, and a leap! and looking up, and finding all a
+sham, away he would walk under the table, overwhelmed with mortification.
+
+This dog never made any acquaintance among the Puddlefordians, nor _their_
+dogs. He always stood aloof on his dignity, and if either approached too
+near, warned them away with a low growl. He was a noble Newfoundland, and
+prided himself upon his ancestry.
+
+But there are little threads of beauty that penetrate every household,
+wherever it may be, and warm the heart. Those thoughts, and kind words, and
+remembrances, that fly back and forth, hundreds of miles, and keep the
+poorest hovel all a-glow. They are so many rays that converge there, and
+make a star. That sleepy old horse that brought in the mail once a week was
+a _blessed_ old horse, and bore upon his back treasures that far
+outweighed gold. That mail-bag, like all mail-bags, was full of
+passions--love, hatred, and revenge--all kinds of courtesy, civility,
+politeness, sycophancy--some coarseness and vulgarity, too; and when it
+burst, like a bomb, in the post-office, it covered some persons with a
+rainbow light, gave others a cold drench, overpowered still others, and
+turned many into so many raging madmen. The imprisoned conflicting elements
+that jogged along up hill and down dale, so cosily on that old horse's
+back, made strange work when they were let loose.
+
+Mail days were bright days in our calendar. They came only once a week--but
+that day always brought something. We then sat down, wife, children, and
+all, and posted up the books of the past. The letters brushed off the dust
+from the pictures of distant friends that were hanging in our souls--and
+those pictures talked. Some were sick; some were married; some had gone to
+one place, some to another. They were sailing on the great current of life
+as well as we. We were all together, yet apart; and these letters were only
+a shaking of hands across the flood that divided us--the shuttle that wove
+our passage into one.
+
+And then the newspapers were something more to us than ever before. The jar
+and roar of the world, like music, was softened and mellowed by distance.
+Advertisements grew valuable; and our little daughter Kate absolutely read
+a patent-medicine notice from end to end without smiling.
+
+During the winter, my wife made a little "come-to-tea" gathering, for the
+purpose, as she said, of getting "better acquainted with her neighbors." We
+were living, as I have stated before, a little out of the village of
+Puddleford, and our opportunities for seeing its society were not very
+good. She invited Squire Longbow and wife (of course); Bates and wife;
+Turtle and wife; Mrs. Sonora Brown, Tom Beagle and his clique--in fact, it
+was got up "without distinction of party," as our house was neutral ground,
+never having thus far been the scene of a social fight. I set apart the day
+to attend to our guests.
+
+The first lady who made her appearance was Mrs. Sonora Brown, who had
+walked out from Puddleford alone, and who hove in sight, pursuant to her
+invitation to come to tea, at about two P. M.
+
+The snow was falling fast, and the wind quite rough, but Mrs. Sonora didn't
+mind that. She was covered with one of those plaid cloaks that were made
+twenty years ago, had on a pair of heavy brogan boots (sensible woman), a
+tight hood, and over that a red and white cotton handkerchief tied under
+her chin. The old lady sailed along through the gale as calmly and stately
+as a seventy-four. When she reached the door, she rapped and stamped, and
+gave a loud hawk, all of which she undoubtedly thought ought to announce
+her presence.
+
+My wife opened the door. "Well," exclaimed Sonora, "you see I've come,"
+giving her cloak a hearty shake, and scattering the snow about her.
+
+"Glad--very glad to see you," replied my wife.
+
+"I know'd you would be--that's just what I told 'em," continued Sonora;
+"you ain't so dreadfully stuck up out here as some folks tries to make
+believe, arter all."
+
+"We are like most other people, I suppose," said my wife.
+
+Sonora took off her hood, when her eyes fell upon me. "So, this your man?
+I'd hearn tell on him, but never see'd him afore, near by--and there are
+the children! and that is your big looking-glass they tell'd about! The
+dear massy on us," she exclaimed, "how nice!"
+
+"Why, Mrs. Brown," said I, "you must recollect me: I was a juryman on the
+trial between Filkins and Beadle."
+
+"Come to take a good look at you, and so you was; but I was so frustered
+that day that I didn't know which eend I stood on. How pesky sassy them
+'turneys-at-la' are!" continued Mrs. Brown, as she seated herself in the
+big rocking-chair.
+
+"Mrs. Brown, have you lived long in this country?" I asked.
+
+"Why, bless your soul, yes! Didn't you know that? We come in from the 'Hio
+twenty years ago, and lived her 'fore there was anybody, nor nothing but
+bears and catamounts."
+
+"How, in the world, did you manage to get through the country twenty years
+ago?" I asked.
+
+"Well, it _was_ a pretty orful time," said the old lady; "it almost brings
+the tears into my eyes now to think on't. There was my husband and four
+children--Lem and Jim, and Molly and Bessy. Lem was about twenty, and Jim
+about fifteen, and Molly and Bessy ten and twelve; and we were all piled
+inter a big cover'd wagon, drawn by two yoke of cattle, with what little
+furniter we had; and in this kinder way we started for--I didn't know
+where."
+
+"Where did you eat and sleep?" inquired I.
+
+"We bunk'd in the wagon nights, and camp'd out to eat; and so we travelled
+for two months."
+
+"But you got through all safe?" I said.
+
+"No, we didn't," said she, heaving a sigh; "little Bessy died" (she wiped
+away a tear); "she got the measles somewhere on the road; and everybody was
+afraid of catchin' on 'em; and nobody would come near us, and so we had to
+stop and take care of her in the wagon the best way we could. We done all
+we could think of, but she kept growin' worse and worse, 'till one mornin'
+she died."
+
+"She died!" I repeated, feeling sad.
+
+"And we had to bury her in a strange place--a high knoll in the woods by
+the road-side--and go away and leave her there alone. O, Mr. ----," she
+exclaimed, "I've dream'd a thousand times of that spot in the woods: what
+wouldn't I give if I could go and find it!"
+
+"What did you do when you first arrived here?" I inquired.
+
+"Why, it was all trees all over, everywhere, then. There warn't any
+houzens, nor any roads to travel on, nor no white folks but Venison Styles,
+and some other hunters who are gone away now; nor anything to live on; and
+nothin' to be heard nights but the varmints screamin'," said Mrs. Brown,
+laying down her knitting-work, and shoving up her spectacles with a
+convulsive twitch, for she was getting eloquent. "There warn't a pound of
+meat for fifty miles round--no pork for love nor money--and so we cut down
+a place, and built a log shanty, and liv'd on deer meat, for deers were as
+thick as hops all over."
+
+"And what then?" said I.
+
+"The next spring," she continued, "we cleared a couple of acres, and put
+it into taters, turnips, beets, and all kind-er garden sass; and then we
+girdled the trees on ten or twelve acres more, and in the fall we put this
+inter wheat, and in a year or so we began to live."
+
+"And that large farm you live on, Mrs. Brown, is _the_ spot you first
+settled? Where are your children now?"
+
+"They are round yet," said Sonora. "Jim teaches school, and spec'lates, and
+fiddles some, and _can_ doctor if he likes. Jim is the only genus in our
+family: he's as smart as _litenin'_; Lem is more staid and sober-like. He
+allers took to hum chores, fod'ring cattle, and such like-er things. He
+married Squire Nolet's darter; and they are pretty big folks--got carpets
+in their bed-rooms, and all _over_ the house--and he is now settled on a
+farm out on Horse-Neck Plains; and Jim is now doin' fust-rate."
+
+"What became of Molly?"
+
+"Molly made a bad go on't. She married a trav'ling singing-master--and I
+_do_ suppose," she exclaimed, "he is one of the most good-for-_nothin'
+dogs_ in the whole settlement. I don't see how in _airth_ Molly ever took a
+notion to him: he hain't got no larnin'--he won't work--and _I_ don't like
+his _singin'_. I don't see what such critters are made for." (The old lady
+heaved a long sigh.)
+
+There was a rap at the door, and Mrs. Bird, Mrs. Beagle, and Mrs. Snipes
+came in. These three ladies were inseparable. They visited together, and
+warred, as we have seen, upon the "up-street aristocracy" together. Mrs.
+Bird, who was, as I have stated, a great sozzle about home, was now decked
+out with as many ribbons and streamers as a Maypole. She had mounted on her
+back a most tremendous bustle, and she bowed, and bobbed, and twitched
+about, as she saluted my wife, with all the airs and friskiness of a young
+girl. Mrs. Beagle was quite reserved.
+
+"Why, bless you, Mrs. ----, how cold 'tis!" said Mrs. Bird. "My dear
+husband couldn't hardly think of lettin' me go out. Bird is _so_
+particular, and allers so scared for fear'd sunthin' will happen to me.
+'Wife,' said Bird to me one day--'wife,' sez he, 'you musn't go out with
+them are thin shoes on--'t'il be the death on you,' sez he. 'O, shaw!' sez
+I. 'Bird, you're allers bor'ring trouble.' 'No, I ain't, nother,' sez he.
+'Byme-by, you'll get a mortal sickness in your lungs, and it'll run you
+inter the inflammation, and then you're gone.' But I allers laughs at Bird
+when he talks so. Why, of all things," continued Mrs. Bird, looking round,
+if here ain't Mrs. Brown. "Are you well, Aunt Sonora, to-day?"
+
+"Pretty sorter," answered Mrs. Brown.
+
+"Hain't had the rheumatiz, nor shakin' ager, nor any of that buzzing in
+your head?"
+
+"None to speak on."
+
+"How is your old man, Mrs. Brown?"
+
+"Well, he's gruntin' some--but so's to be about."
+
+"Did he catch that feller who ow'd him and run'd away?"
+
+"Not's I ever heerd on," replied Mrs. Brown.
+
+"Why, what a nice caliker you're got on, Mrs. Brown; was it one-and-three
+or one-and-six?"
+
+"I b'lieve it was somewher's _along_ there," said Mrs. Brown.
+
+"It's jest like Charity Beadle's, only Charity had hers made up with the
+figur' runnin' down."
+
+About sundown, and in the midst of Mrs. Bird's conversation--for her tongue
+kept in full play--Squire Longbow and wife announced themselves by a rap.
+Their arrival spiked Mrs. Bird's battery. After making a cold, scornful,
+and exceedingly low and ironical bow to them, she retired one side with
+Mrs. Beadle and Mrs. Snipes.
+
+Squire Longbow had on his best rig--a suit of grayish homespun. His
+shirt-collar was unusually tall, and he had put a double bow-knot in his
+neckcloth of white cotton. The shade over his lost eye was very clean and
+bright. He really looked like a Justice.
+
+Longbow said he was glad to get out--that the business of justice was
+wearin' him to death.
+
+"Much on your mind, Squire, now?" I inquired.
+
+"All the time--all the time sunthin'. There's a pin't of law to be settled
+in that case 'tween Whippum against Snappett. Snappett's nigger man druv
+Snappett's cattle over Whippum's dog, and broke Whippum's leg--I mean
+Whippum's _dog's_ leg; and Whippum's dog's goin' to die--a very valuable
+dog--cost Whippum six shillings last spring--good for cattle, hogs,
+anything--children thought a good deal on him; and so Whippum swore
+Snappett should pay for the dog, if he spent his farm to get it."
+
+"I declare," exclaimed I.
+
+"Yes, he said it in my offis last week; but whether to sue Snappett or the
+nigger is the p'int. If we sue the nigger, he arn't good; if we sue
+Snappett, twarn't he that druv the oxen."
+
+"Join the nigger and the white man together in one suit," said I.
+
+"_T-h-u-n-der!_" exclaimed the Squire, looking wildly at me--"can't jine
+niggers and white men together by _our_ constitution--Story's dead agin it.
+They'd come in on t'other side, and squash everything inter pieces."
+
+"Can it be possible?" said I.
+
+"Yes-sir-_ee_!" said the Squire; "they _would_ that--and have me 'peal'd up
+to the higher courts in a jiffy.
+
+"And then," continued the Squire, "Tibbits and Jenkins have got inter
+trouble. Jenkins got mad at Tibbits 'bout somethin' a while ago, and so he
+went down to Tibbits' house, his gun on his shoulder, full-er wrath--and
+spyin' a favorit' cow of Tibbits in the barn-yard, jest drew up, and popped
+her over--Tibbits run'd out, grabbl'd the gun out of Jenkins' hand, and
+smashed it up fine on a tree--then they had a fight, and Jenkins bung'd up
+Tibbits, and Tibbits bung'd up Jenkins, so neither on 'em could see
+much--now Tibbits wants to bring suit for the value of his cow."
+
+"Do tell now if he does," exclaimed Aunt Sonora, who had been listening to
+the Squire's story; "I tell'd our folks at hum, yesterday, that I hadn't
+any doubt but Puddleford would be turned _en_side out 'bout that."
+
+"Yes!" continued the Squire, "Tibbits wants to bring suit--but I tell'd
+Tibbits that I wanted to know how much the cow was worth. 'Fourteen
+dollars,' said he. 'How much was the rifle worth?' ''Bout the same,' said
+he. 'Jest a set-off,' said I; 'the rifle pays for the cow, and the cow for
+the rifle.' Tibbits said that warn't la', and swore, and said I should
+issue the writ. I threatened to commit him for contempt. He said he'd get a
+_ramdamus_ (mandamus) onter me, and there the matter stands."
+
+"Well," said I, "you _do_ have trouble, Squire--I'd resign."
+
+"Nobody to fill my place," said the Squire, pushing his arms down into his
+breeches pockets and stretching out his legs and throwing his eyes up to
+the ceiling--"nobody that understands the _staterts_."
+
+"There's Ike Turtle," said I.
+
+"Ike arn't cool enough--it takes a _cool_ man for justis in these parts--a
+man that arn't afear'd of nothin'."
+
+"Just so," said I. Here was a rap, and Ike Turtle, Mr. and Mrs. Bates, and
+many others, entered.
+
+We had a house full nearly. The elements, as I have said, were not
+harmonious. The Birds, and Swipes, and Beagles, and their friends were
+huddled together by themselves in one part of the room, and Longbow and his
+friends in another. You might hear whispers and suppressed laughs, and Ohs!
+and Ahs! from the circle of Mrs. Bird, and side-looks and other
+manifestations of uneasiness.
+
+Ike Turtle, whose knowledge of human nature was equal to his humor, after
+eying the group a while, concluded to break into and scatter it, if
+possible. So turning around--"Mrs. Bird, you look un-_com_only well,
+to-day," he said.
+
+"Think I _do_," replied Mrs. Bird, pettishly.
+
+"Why, you look as fresh as a new-blown rose."
+
+Mrs. Bird held down her head, and actually appeared confused. Soon she
+gathered courage to speak. "Why, Mr. Turtle, how can you think so? I'm an
+old woman."
+
+"Not so old, arter all," said Ike; "you've taken good care of your sperits
+and complexion."
+
+"Why, Mrs. Bird don't use _sperits_!" exclaimed Mrs. Brown, looking down
+over her spectacles, at Ike, with horror.
+
+"Not them kind," said Ike--"but her nat'ral sperits, I mean. Now,"
+continued Ike, "here's Squire Longbow, past fifty, hearty as a buck,
+full-er fire, and can kick up his heels as high as his head--all owin' to
+his sperits. Don't you think so, Mrs. Bird?"
+
+Mrs. Bird said she didn't know much about Squire Longbow.
+
+"O, nonsense now--yes, you do--liv'd neighbor to him in Puddleford these
+ten years or more. But if there's any doubt about it, I'll just introduce
+you. Squire Longbow," continued Ike, rising and pointing to Mrs.
+Bird--"Mrs. Bird--Mrs. Bird, Squire Longbow. And here's Mrs. Beagle and
+Mrs. Swipes--all of Puddleford--maybe you don't know 'em--all old
+residenters--come in when the country was new, and have cut their own
+fodder ever since."
+
+The Squire rose, bowed, and said--he "know'd 'em all, and was glad to meet
+'em looking so fust rate."
+
+"Now," said Ike, "I've introduced you, enjoy yourselves."
+
+This movement of Ike's broke the ice. The clique relaxed their brows, and
+conversation grew more general.
+
+"Is Lavinny at school this winter?" inquired Mrs. Beagles of the Squire.
+
+"Yes, marm, she is--studying 'stronomy--got inter the fix'd stars last
+week--and will be onter Capercorn, byme-by."
+
+"Bless my soul!" exclaimed Aunt Sonora, her knitting-needles rattling with
+surprise, "how _did_ she get out--got into the stars?"
+
+"Yes, marm," continued the Squire, "she larned herself inter 'em--and she
+knows all 'bout 'em--what they're there for--and who put 'em there--jest
+as much as though she'd lived six months on the spot. And then, Mrs.
+Beagle, she's up to her eyes in hist'ry. She talks 'bout the Cæsars and
+'Gustuses jest as though she'd allers know'd 'em. Tells all about how
+Christopher Columbus came over with the Puritans and settled onter Plymouth
+rock, 'cause Richard Third, king-er Spain, got mad at 'em, 'cause they
+would kiss the Pope's toe."
+
+"Dear me suz, I wanter know," exclaimed Mrs. Brown again.
+
+"And then she's at the head in the gography class--she's draw'd a map of
+the Cannibal Islands--and on one on 'em, Capt'n Cook lies with his head
+off, crying for marcy--and she says, down onter the squator it don't never
+snow, nor nothin', and it's hotter than blue-blazes, in the winter--and
+when it thunders and litenins, it tears everything inter pieces--she's
+goin' ahead wonderfully, Mrs. Beagle."
+
+"Well, now, that _is satisfying_," said Mrs. Beagle. "It does one so much
+good to see one's children get larnin'!"
+
+"That's just what I tell'd Mr. Brown when Jim was first born," said Aunt
+Sonora. "I tell'd him the boy had genus, for there never was one of our
+family that didn't. 'But you've got-ter give him schooling,' said I, 'to
+bring it out.' And so he did--and you orter to have see'd how he run'd to
+books and newspapers. When he was fifteen, he tell'd the old man, as he
+called his father, he orter to go to district-school--(he was a wonderful
+boy; know'd everything, then)--that he was way ahind the age. Then he went
+off a roamin', a seekin' his fortin'--and when he com'd back, nobody would
+know'd him--he was _so_ improved--he fling'd his legs onter to the stove,
+and smoked and chewed, and talk'd about furrin parts--and didn't take any
+notice of the old man--said how the old man didn't know nothin'--(warn't he
+genus, Squire Longbow?)--he wouldn't work any, because he said genuses
+never work'd--that they wouldn't be genuses if they did--he made the old
+man give him a fast horse, and a p'inter dog, and a gun, all kivered with
+silver plates, and then he rid, and hunted, and courted--(warn't he
+genus?)--he courted Squire Boson's darter, and Mr. Fogg's two darters, and
+all the gals in the western settlement, till he finally settled down, as I
+was tellin' Mr. ---- a while ago, into jest as much of a genus as ever--the
+dear massy on us, what won't larnin' do?"
+
+"'S'prisin' boy," answered the Squire.
+
+The conversation ran on about everything, until Ike had really broken up
+the clique of Bird & Co., and one would have thought there never had been a
+social war in Puddleford. There never lived a mortal, I believe, who could
+hold out against the humor of Ike Turtle. He magnetized all who came within
+his influence. He was shrewd, keen, far-seeing, full of good sense, and had
+a stock of fun that was positively inexhaustible. Ike, in reality, never
+cared about the antipathy of Bird, Beagle & Co.--all their malice and
+slander had never "ruffled a feather," as he used to say. He was amusing
+_himself_ in the experiments he had been making to bring the factions
+together; but he did not in fact care whether they ever came together or
+not.
+
+About nine o'clock in the evening, and after "supper," as Mrs. Sonora
+called it, had passed off, Ike inquired of me if my fiddle was in the
+house, as he intended to have Squire Longbow, Aunt Sonora, Mrs. Bird,
+Swipes, and "all hands," dancing before the company broke up.
+
+The fiddle was produced--rather an asthmatic instrument--that strayed into
+the country among my lumber, and was somewhat out of order. Ike tinkered it
+up with his jack-knife, until it finally emitted a few strains of something
+like music. He then played "Over the Hills," "Fisher's Hornpipe," and
+several other lively airs, until old Squire Longbow unconsciously began to
+rap the time with his heels, and Mrs. Bird to grow quite nettlesome.
+
+Ike finally bowed himself up to Mrs. Bird, sawing away all the time on his
+fiddle--and declared that "nothing on airth would do him so much good as a
+country dance, and she must consent to walk straight out without wincing."
+Mrs. Bird looked pleased and provoked, by turns, but she finally took Ike's
+arm, and was duly placed on the floor. Squire Longbow and Mrs. Sonora were
+next hauled out by Ike; Mrs. Swipes and Sile Bates, and so on, until he had
+united (with the exception of Squire Longbow and partner) the most
+discordant elements of Puddleford.
+
+The dance opened, Ike himself fiddling, shuffling, and calling off. He and
+Mrs. Bird went down in the middle, up outside, and crossed over, Ike's feet
+playing all the while like drum-sticks to the music of "Fisher's Hornpipe,"
+which he was sawing off with inconceivable rapidity, while Mrs. Bird
+followed after him, panting and blowing, without much regard to time or
+tune.
+
+Squire Longbow and Mrs. Sonora trotted through their parts--Mrs. Sonora
+having declared, before she took the floor, "that she never was one of them
+are dancing critters, but she'd try and hobble through the figger the best
+she could."
+
+By and by the general "wind-up" came, when "all hands" went into it heart
+and soul. Ike's fiddle, and Ike's voice, and the pattering of feet, were
+all that was heard. "Right and left!" "Cross over!" "Don't run agin Mrs.
+Bird, Squire Longbow!" "A leetle faster, Mrs. Swipes!" "_Pardners_ keep
+clus arter one another!" "Don't cave!" "Not quite so much cavortin' down
+thar!" exclaimed Ike, giving expression to his words with his bow, when at
+last he drew the whole to a close by a long, high squeak, and the company
+rushed to their seats puffing, and covered with perspiration.
+
+This movement of Ike's was a masterly performance. He had actually danced
+with Mrs. Bird, one of his bitterest enemies. He had melted the two hostile
+cliques of Puddleford into one. His flattery and music had accomplished
+this, and it was productive of lasting good, for the war from this time
+began to decline in Puddleford, and the hostile cliques were finally
+dissolved.
+
+Perhaps the reader is disposed to smile at my description of a Puddleford
+tea-party. Perhaps he thinks the ingenuousness of Aunt Sonora, the
+free-and-easy humor of Ike Turtle, the peevish jealousy of Mrs. Bird, are
+the fruit simply of what he terms "western vulgarity." Don't be too fast,
+my friend. You belong, perhaps, to a society that wears a mask--made up,
+nevertheless, of "envy, hatred, malice, and all uncharitableness." _Your_
+Mrs. Bird is just as jealous, but for another reason, and with this
+difference, too, that _she_ can smile upon her bitterest enemy, when and
+where the rules of fashionable life demand it. You've got a Squire Longbow
+or two with you in all probability--not dressed in homespun, but
+"broadcloth"--one who has been favored by fortune, and no god beside--one
+who hums and haws, and looks as wise and solemn as an owl, and to whom,
+perhaps, you unconsciously pay homage. We are all alike, dear reader--we
+look at your society through the telescope of education and refinement--at
+Puddleford, with the naked eye.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X.
+
+     Mrs. Longbow taken sick.--General Interest.--Dr.
+     Teazle.--His Visit.--"The Rattles."--Scientific
+     Diagnosis.--A Prescription.--Short and Dr. Dobbs.--"Pantod
+     of the Heart."--Dismissal of Teazle.--Installation of
+     Dobbs.--"Scyller and Charabides."--Ike's Views.--The
+     Colonel's.--Bates's.--Mrs. Longbow dies.--Who killed her:
+     conflicting Opinions.--Her Funeral.--Bigelow Van Slyck's
+     Sermon.--Interment.
+
+
+Not long after this jolly little gathering at my house, I heard that Mrs.
+Longbow was sick. Her symptoms were very alarming, and, as she was the wife
+of Squire Longbow, and as the Squire was _the_ man of Puddleford, her
+critical condition was a matter of public concern.
+
+"What is the matter with Squire Longbow's woman?" "How did she rest last
+night?" "Did she roll and tumble much?" "Is her fever brok't onto her?"
+were questions frequently put. Now Mrs. Longbow was a very worthy person,
+and entitled to all the sympathy she received; but that is not to be the
+subject of this chapter.
+
+When Mrs. Longbow was first taken ill, Dr. Teazle was called--yes, reader,
+Dr. Teazle--who had been as good authority in medicine, as Longbow ever was
+in law. I say had been--"Things were different now."
+
+Teazle was one of the pioneers of Puddleford. He was there when the first
+log-house was laid up--the first field cleared--the first child born.
+Teazle possessed a very little learning, a very great deal of impudence,
+and a never-ending flow of language. He was opinionated, and tolerated no
+practice but his own. (What physician ever did?) Teazle never let a doubt
+enter his mind--he intuitively read a case, as rapidly as though he were
+reading a printed statement of it. Teazle was about the size of Longbow,
+but _he_ had two eyes.
+
+"How long have you been attackted?" inquired Teazle, approaching the
+bedside of Mrs. Longbow, and placing his fingers over the lady's pulse.
+
+Mrs. Longbow said "it was some time during the night."
+
+"Run out your tongue," continued Teazle.
+
+Mrs. Longbow obeyed.
+
+"Very bad tongue--all full'er stuff--you ain't well, Mrs. Longbow; there's
+a kind of collapse of the whole system, and a sort of debility going on,
+everywhere all over you."
+
+Squire Longbow, who sat by, anxiously inquired what the disease was.
+
+Teazle said it might be a sour stomach, or it might be fever, or it might
+be rheumatiz, or it might be the liver, or it might be that something else
+was out of order--or it might be the _rattles_.
+
+"Dear me!" exclaimed the Squire, "the _rattles_--what is that?"
+
+"The rattles," answered Teazle, "the rattles is a disease treated of in the
+books--Folks catch cold; the nose stops up; the throat gets sore, and there
+is a kind of rattling going on when they breathe, whether we can hear it or
+not--and that's the rattles."
+
+Mrs. Longbow said "she hadn't got any rattles as she know'd on."
+
+Teazle said he would make up a prescription that would make a sure business
+of it, as he always did when he was in doubt. "He would prepare a compound
+of the particular medicines used for the particular diseases he had
+mentioned, and fire at random, and some of the shot would hit, he knew."
+
+"Gracious! doctor!" exclaimed Longbow, "what comes of the rest on 'em?"
+
+"All passes off--all passes off," answered Teazle glibly, with a flourish
+of the hand, "through the pores of the skin--" continued Teazle; "and you
+must also take four quarts-er water, two pounds-er salt, a gill-er
+molasses, a little 'cumfrey root, some catnip blows (but mind don't get in
+any of the leaves; that'll kill her), stir it all up together, and soak her
+feet just ten minutes; then get five cents worth-er sassyfarilla, three
+cents worth-er some kind of physic, pour in some caster-ile, and I'll put
+in some intergrediences and stuffs, and will give it inwardly every two
+hours; and in the morning I will 'quire agin into the condition of the
+patient."
+
+This, reader, was the result of Teazle's call. Mrs. Longbow was really
+suffering under an attack of bilious fever.
+
+In a few days there was an uproar among the physicians of Puddleford. Dr.
+Short and Dr. Dobbs had united their influence and tongues together, and
+Teazle was denounced as a quack and a fool. Short and Dobbs never united
+for any other purpose but the abuse of Teazle. Sometimes Short and Teazle
+abused Dobbs, and sometimes Dobbs and Teazle abused Short. Short declared
+that "Mrs. Longbow had nothing but a kind of in'ard strictur', and a little
+salts would clear it right out."
+
+Dobbs said it "was either that or the _pantod_ of the heart, and that
+Teazle's medicine would lay out the poor soul as cold as a wedge."
+
+I endeavored to ascertain by Dobbs what he wished us to understand by
+"pantod of the heart."
+
+Dobbs said it was "unpossible for him to explain it without the books--it
+was something that laid hold of the vessels about the heart, and throw'd
+everything into a flutter."
+
+The war went on--Squire Longbow's friends finally joined the force of
+opposition to Teazle--and in two or three days Teazle was ejected very
+unceremoniously from the Squire's house, and Dobbs took his place.
+
+The first thing Dobbs did, when he was fairly installed, was to gather up,
+and pitch headlong into the fire, all of Teazle's remaining medicines. He
+wondered whether Teazle "really _intended_ to kill Mrs. Longbow! Perhaps he
+was only a fool!" The whole system of practice was now changed. A new
+administration had come into power, and with it new measures. Dobbs "didn't
+know but he might raise Mrs. Longbow, but he couldn't hold himself
+responsible--Teazle had nearly finished her--but he would try."
+
+Dobbs immediately introduced a seton into the side of his patient, "to get
+up a greater fluttering somewhere else, and get away the flutter at the
+heart, and when _that_ went, the fever would go away with it," _he_ said.
+
+Dobbs moved around Puddleford for a day or so, with great pomp of manner.
+He had unseated Teazle, and now occupied his place. But what was his
+surprise to find Short and Teazle united, and out upon him, in full cry!
+Short had become chagrined because Dobbs had been called to fill the place
+of Teazle, instead of himself.
+
+The war was renewed with increased fury. Dobbs's seton failed to produce
+the desired effect, and he, therefore, resorted to blistering and calomel.
+In a week he had nearly skinned and salivated the poor woman, and yet she
+lived. The fact was, Dobbs was a greater blockhead than Teazle, if that
+were possible. Ike Turtle said the "old 'oman was between Scyller and
+Chara_bi_des!"--Ike had heard this classical allusion at some time,--"and
+she'd got-ter go for it--and she'd better just step out at onst, and save
+trouble and expense."
+
+The "Colonel" said that he "once read a story in Æsop's Fables, called the
+'Fox and the Brambles,' and he recollected that the Fox refused to shake
+off a swarm of flies that were sucking out his life-blood, because a more
+hungry swarm would succeed; and _he_ thought Mrs. Longbow made a great
+mistake in discharging Teazle; for Teazle had exhausted his energies upon
+his patient, and nature was about restoring the ruin he had wrought."
+
+Bates expressed a different opinion. He was a strong advocate of lobelia
+and cayenne-pepper--he was, in short, a supporter of the "hot-water"
+practice. All mineral medicine Bates declared poisonous. Bates said "Nature
+knew enough to take care of herself--for every disease a remedy had been
+provided--what we call weeds were all valuable remedies: and he thought
+Teazle and Dobbs ought both to be indicted for malpractice."
+
+This war between men, soon became a war of systems. Philista Filkins, Aunt
+Sonora, Bates & Company, raised a tempest around Longbow's ears; and Dobbs
+was finally thrown overboard, and his medicines after him; and Mrs.
+Filkins was placed at the helm, and the hot-water practice introduced.
+
+But what is the use, reader?--Mrs. Longbow died. Who wouldn't? Nature
+cannot endure everything--she died, and was buried. But who killed her?
+That was a question for months afterwards. Dobbs said Teazle--Teazle said
+Dobbs; and Teazle and Dobbs, when _talking together_ on the subject, said
+Mrs. Filkins--and Bates said "_the calomel_"--and Turtle said "the 'oman
+had been conspir'd agin, and was killed."
+
+I attended the funeral of Mrs. Longbow. A funeral is solemn anywhere--in
+the wilderness it is impressive. In a city it is too often an exhibition of
+pride, carried down to the very gates of death--the poor handful of dust is
+used to glorify, a little longer, the living--it preaches no sermon,
+chastens no feeling; but a funeral in the wilderness is as lonely as one at
+sea. Nature becomes almost oppressive. The scattered population, for miles
+around, gathered at the log-chapel, and Bigelow Van Slyck preached over the
+remains of Mrs. Longbow. The sermon was characteristic of Bigelow--strange
+and inappropriate, perhaps, in the opinion of the reader; but, after all,
+the very thing for Bigelow's audience. This was his text: "Man that is born
+of a woman is of few days, and full of trouble!" Bigelow said his "text
+used the word '_man_ that is born,' &c., but it was jest as applicable to a
+woman as to a man, for woman was, after all, a kind of a man; not that a
+woman _was_ a man, nor a man a woman--but texts allers spoke of things in
+general, 'cause the Bible was writ for all time." In dwelling upon the
+words "that is _born_," Bigelow said, "he would go into the history of the
+Longbow family"--and he did go into their history, with a vengeance. He
+began with Squire Longbow's grandfather, who, he said, "fit in the old
+French war," and told us when _he_ was _born_, and how he lived, and where
+he lived, and when he died, and gave us a kind of synopsis of the old man's
+services in the flesh. He then seized, violently, hold of the Squire
+himself, informed us he was born "down in the Pennsylvanys 'bout the old
+Tom Jefferson times, was the last of ten children, whose history he
+couldn't go into for want of time--that the Squire hadn't any larnin' until
+after he becom'd of age, and then got what he did get himself." Bigelow
+hoped his audience "would improve on this lesson, and get larnin'
+themselves." He then followed up the Squire through his immigration and
+settlement at Puddleford, and informed us, I recollect, among other things,
+that he built the first frame-house, being "twenty feet by thirty-four."
+Bigelow was still more specific in his history of Mrs. Longbow. If there
+was anything overlooked in the poor woman's life, I do not know what it
+was. Bigelow labored some half hour over her virtues, and brought them out
+so systematically, at last, that the list, when completed, reminded me of
+an inventory of the personal effects of a deceased person--of the
+preparation of a document, to file away somewhere.
+
+The latter part of Bigelow's text, upon the brevity of life, was well
+managed--roughly, perhaps, but pointedly. He drew copiously from nature, by
+way of illustration, as all persons do who live more with nature than with
+man. "The corn," he remarked, "died in the ground, sprouted, grew green,
+then the blades died agin"--"the flowers jest breathed a few times, then
+_they_ died"--"day died into night, and night died in the
+morning"--"everything died everywhere; and man died, and woman died, and
+we'd all got-ter die." I have selected only a few sentences, at random,
+from this part of Bigelow's discourse.
+
+Then there was an address to the audience, an address to the aged, another
+to those in middle life, another to the young, and finally, one to the
+mourners, standing. Some two hours and a half were occupied in the sermon
+altogether; and when it finally closed, the remains of Mrs. Longbow were
+silently and sadly deposited in the grave.
+
+The death of Mrs. Longbow created a great chasm in society. The
+"settlement" was so small, that the loss of any one was severely felt. In
+small places, every person has a great deal of individuality--in large,
+only here and there is one distinguished from "the crowd." Mrs. Longbow was
+certainly fortunate in one respect, if she was unfortunate in another. If
+the physicians of Puddleford hastened her end, its population have not
+forgotten her, nor her many virtues.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.
+
+     Squire Longbow in Mourning.--The Great Question.--Aunt
+     Sonora's Opinion.--Other People's.--The Squire goes to
+     Church.--His Appearance on that Occasion.--Aunt Graves, and
+     her Extra Performance.--"Nux Vomica."--Anxious
+     Mothers.--Mary Jane Arabella Swipes.--Sister Abigail.--Ike
+     Turtle and his Designs.--He calls on Aunt Graves.--She'll go
+     it.--Sister Abigail's Objection.--The Squire's First Love
+     Letter.--The Wedding.--Great Getting-up.--Turtle's
+     Examination.--The Squire runs the Risk of "the
+     Staterts."--Bigelow's Ceremony.--General Break-Down.--Not
+     _Very_ Drunk.
+
+
+Squire Longbow sincerely mourned the loss of his wife--internally and
+externally. Externally, he was one of the strongest mourners I ever saw. He
+wore a weed, floating from his hat, nearly a foot long. It was the longest
+weed that had ever been mounted at Puddleford; but our readers must not
+forget who Squire Longbow was--a magistrate, and leading man in community.
+And while the reader is about it, he may also recollect that the Squire is
+not the only man, east or west, who has ventured upon a little ostentation
+over the grave of the departed--nor woman either.
+
+Who was to be the next Mrs. Longbow? That was the question. The public,
+indeed, asked it long before the Squire. Who was to have the honor of
+presiding at the Squire's table? What woman was to be placed at the head of
+society in Puddleford? The Swipeses and Beagles, Aunt Sonora, Aunt Graves,
+and Sister Abigail, and scores of others, all began to speculate upon this
+important subject. Even Turtle and Bates indulged in a few general remarks.
+
+Aunt Sonora gave it as her mind, that "the Squire ought to be pretty skeery
+how he married anybody, kase if he got one of them flipper-ter-gibbet sort
+o' wimmin, she'd turn the whole house _en_side out, and he'd be one of the
+most miserablest of all men." She said, "if he know'd what was good for
+himself, he'd jest keep clear of all the young gals that were fussing and
+figeting round him, and go right in for some old stand-by of a woman, that
+know'd how to take the brunt of things--but, lors a-me," continued Aunt
+Sonora, "there's no doing nothing with these old widowers--they're all like
+my Uncle Jo, who married in a hurry, and repented arterwards--and the poor
+dear old soul arn't had a minute's peace since."
+
+The Swipeses and Beagles, who, it will be recollected, belonged to a clique
+that had, in times past, warred against Longbow & Co., "tho't it would be
+shameful for the Squire to marry at all--it would be an insult agin the
+memory of poor old Mrs. Longbow, who was dead and gone." (Some people, you
+know, reader, abuse the living, but defend the dead.) "And if the Squire
+should marry, _they_ should think, for _their_ part, that she'd rise up out
+of her grave, and haunt him! She could never sleep easy, if she know'd that
+the Squire had got some other woman, who was eating her preserves, and
+wearing out her clothes, and lording it over the house like all possess'd."
+
+Other opinions were expressed by other persons--in fact, the Squire's
+widowhood was _the_ great concern of Puddleford. "He was so well on to
+do," as Aunt Sonora used to call it, that he was considered a great
+"catch."
+
+After a few weeks of sorrow, the Squire himself really began to entertain
+notions of matrimony. It is true he had passed the age of sixty, and it
+required a great effort to get up a sufficient amount of romance to carry
+out such an enterprise. Symptoms began, however, to wax strong. The first
+alarming indication was his attendance at church. The Squire had always
+been a kind of heathen in this respect, and had for many years set a poor
+example; but people, who want to marry, will go to church. Whether this is
+done to get up a reputation, or simply to take a survey of the
+unappropriated female stock yet remaining on hand, I cannot say.
+
+The Squire was "fixed up" amazingly, the first time I saw him at church.
+His hair had been cut, and thoroughly greased. His shirt-collar covered his
+ears; and his boots shone like a mirror. Aunt Sonora said he looked
+"enymost as good as new." Aunt Graves was in the choir that day, and she
+sang as she never sang before. She blowed all the heavy strains of
+music--strains that lifted her on her toes--directly into Squire Longbow's
+face. Whether Aunt Graves had any design in this, is more than I can say;
+but I noticed some twinges about the Squire's lips, and a sleepy wink of
+the eye, that looked a little like magnetism. It was ridiculous, too, that
+such an old castle should be stormed by music.
+
+But the Squire exhibited other symptoms of matrimony. He grew more pompous
+in his decisions, disposed of cases more summarily, and quoted law Latin
+more frequently. It was about this time that he talked about the "nux
+vomica," instead of the "_vox Populi_." He used to "squash" proceeding's
+before the case was half presented; and, in the language of Turtle, "he
+tore around at a great rate." Turtle said, "the old Squire was getting to
+be an old fool, and he was goin' to have him married, or dismissed from
+office--there warn't no livin' with him."
+
+There were a great many anxious mothers about Puddleford who were very
+desirous of forming an alliance with the Longbow family. Even Mrs. Swipes,
+as much as she openly oposed the Squire's marriage in general, secretly
+hoped a spark might be struck up between him and her daughter, Mary Jane
+Arabella Swipes; and Mrs. Swipes was in the habit of sending her daughter
+over to the Squire's house, to inquire of him "to know if she couldn't do
+sunthin' for him in his melancholy condition;" and Sister Abigail went down
+several times to "put things to rights," and was as kind and obliging, and
+attentive to all the Squire's wants, as ever Mrs. Longbow was in her
+palmiest days. On these occasions, Sister Abigail used frequently to remind
+the Squire of "his great bereavement, and what an angel of a wife he had
+lost; and that things didn't look as they used to do, when she was around,
+and she didn't wonder he took on so, when the poor thing died."
+
+But, reader, Ike Turtle had ordered things otherwise. _He_ was determined
+to strike up a match between the Squire and Aunt Graves. So Ike made a
+special visit to Aunt Graves one evening, for the purpose of "surveying and
+sounding along the coast, to see how the waters laid, and how the old soul
+would take it," to use his language.
+
+I have already given an outline of Aunt Graves; but I will now say further,
+that she never had an offer of matrimony in her whole life. She was what is
+termed a "touchy" old maid. She professed to hate men, and affected great
+distress of mind when thrown into their society. Aunt Graves was just
+ironing down the seams of a coat that she had finished, when Ike called.
+
+Ike opened the conversation by reminding Aunt Graves that "she was livin'
+along kinder lonely like."
+
+"Lonely 'nough, I s'pose," she replied, snappishly.
+
+"Don't you never have the blues, and get sorter obstrep'rous?"
+
+Aunt Graves "didn't know as she did."
+
+"Why, in the name of old Babylon, don't you marry?"
+
+"Marry? _me_ marry--marry a man--a great awful man!" and the iron flew
+through the seams like lightning.
+
+"Yes," continued Ike, "marry--marry a man--why, woman, you are getting as
+old and yellow as autumn leaves. What have you been livin' for?--you've
+broken all the laws of Scripter inter pieces--and keep on breakin' on
+'em--adding sin unto sin, and transgression unto transgression, and the
+thing's got-ter be stopped. Now, Aunt Graves, what do you think--there's
+Squire Longbow, as desolate as Sodom, and he's got-ter have a woman, or the
+old man'll run as crazy as a loon a-thinkin' 'bout his household affairs;
+and you know how to cook, and to wash, and to iron, to make pickles and
+soap; and then, you're a proper age--what say?"
+
+Aunt Graves ran to the fire, plunged her goose into the ashes, and gave the
+coals a smart stir. She then dropped down in her large rocking-chair,
+leaned her cheek upon her elbow, fixed her eyes upon the floor, and came
+near going off into hysterics.
+
+Ike dashed a little water into Aunt Graves' face, and she revived. After
+having gained strength, she replied in substance to Ike's query in a very
+languishing, die-away air: "She couldn't say--she didn't know--if it was a
+duty--if she could really _believe_ it was a duty--if she was called on to
+fill poor old dead-and-gone Mrs. Longbow's place--folks were born inter the
+world to do good, and she had so far been one of the most unprofitablest of
+sarvants; but she could never marry on her own account--"
+
+"In other words," exclaimed Ike, cutting her short, "you'll go it."
+
+Aunt Graves agreed to "reflect on't."
+
+It was not long after this consultation that Mrs. Swipes began to "smell a
+rat," as she said. She commanded Mary Jane Arabella "never to darken the
+doors of that old hog, Longbow, agin; and as for that female critter,
+Graves, _she'd_ got a husband living down at the East'ard, and they'd all
+get into prison for life, the first thing they know'd."
+
+Sister Abigail declared, "she'd have Aunt Graves turned out of church, if
+she married a man who warn't a member." This was a great deal for Sister
+Abigail to say, for she had been the bosom friend of Aunt Graves: "people
+out of the church, and people in the church, shouldn't orter jine
+themselves together--it was agin Scripter, and would get everything inter a
+twist."
+
+But Ike Turtle had decreed that the marriage should go on. He even went so
+far as to indite the first letter of the Squire's to Aunt Graves. This
+letter, which Ike exhibited to his friends, as one of his best literary
+specimens, was indeed a curiosity. I presume there is nothing else like it
+on the face of the globe. It opened by informing Aunt Graves that since the
+"loss of his woman, he had felt very grievous-like, and couldn't fix his
+mind onto anything--that the world didn't seem at all as it used to
+do--that he and his woman had liv'd in peace for thirty years, and the
+marriage state was nat'ral to him--that he had always lik'd Aunt Graves
+since the very first time he see'd her, and so did his woman too;" and many
+more declarations of similar import, and it was signed "J. Longbow, Justice
+of the Peace," and _sealed_ too, like his legal processes, that his dignity
+might command, even if his person did not win, the affections of this
+elderly damsel.
+
+Aunt Graves surrendered--and all this within two months after the death of
+Mrs. Longbow. The Squire cast off his weeds, and made violent preparations
+for matrimony; and on a certain night--I shall never forget it--the affair
+came off.
+
+There was a great gathering at the Squire's--a sort of general invitation
+had been extended far and near--the Swipeses and Beagles, Aunt Sonora, and
+all. Great preparations had been made in the way of eatables. The Squire
+was rigged in a new suit of "_home-made_," (made by Mrs. Longbow, too, in
+her life-time),--a white vest, and he wore a cotton bandana
+neck-handkerchief, with heavy bows, that buried his chin, and a pair of
+pumps and clouded blue stockings. Aunt Graves' dress cannot be described.
+She was a mass of fluttering ribbons, and she looked as though she would
+take wings and fly away.
+
+Bigelow Van Slyck and Ike Turtle conducted the marriage ceremony--the one
+took the ecclesiastical, the other the civil management. When the couple
+were ready, Turtle sat down in front of them with the statutes under his
+arm, with Bigelow at his right hand.
+
+Turtle examined the statutes amid profound silence for some time, turning
+down one leaf here and another there, until he found himself thoroughly
+prepared for the solemn occasion. Finally, he arose, and with a gravity
+that no man ever put on before or since, exclaimed,--
+
+"Miss Graves, hold up your right hand and swear."
+
+Miss Graves said "she was a member of the church, and dar'sent swear."
+
+Ike said it was "legal swearing he wanted, 'cording to the staterts--not
+the wicked sort--he wanted her to swear that she was over fourteen years of
+age--hadn't got no husband living, nowhere--warn't goin' to practise no
+fraud nor nothin' on Squire Longbow--and that she'd jest as good a right to
+get married now as she ever had."
+
+Miss Graves looked blank.
+
+Squire Longbow said "he'd run the risk of the fourteen years of age and the
+fraud, and finally he would of the whole on't. The staterts was well
+enough, but it warn't to be presumed that a _justice of the peace would_
+run agin 'em. Some folks didn't know 'em--he did."
+
+Ike said "there was something another in the statert about wimin's doing
+things 'without any fear or compulsion of anybody,' and he guessed he'd
+take Miss Graves into another room, and examine her separately and apart
+from her intended husband." This was a joke of Turtle's.
+
+The Squire said "that meant _married_ wimin--arter the ceremony was over,
+that ere would be very legal and proper."
+
+Mrs. Swipes said, "for her part, she thought the oath or-ter be put--it
+would be an awful thing to see a poor cretur forced into marriage."
+
+Sister Abigail thought so, too.
+
+Aunt Sonora hoped there wouldn't be nothin' did wrong, "so people could
+take the law on 'em."
+
+Turtle said, "that they needn't any on 'em fret their gizzards--_he_ was
+responsible for the la' of the case."
+
+Bigelow then rose, and told the parties to jine hands, and while they were
+jined, he wanted the whole company to sing a psalm.
+
+The psalm was sung.
+
+Bigelow then commenced the wedding process. "Squire Longbow," exclaimed
+Bigelow--"this is your second wife, and some folks say the third, and I
+hope you feel the awful position in which you find yourself."
+
+The Squire said "he felt easy and resigned--he'd gone inter it from respect
+to his woman who was now no more."
+
+"You do promise to take this ere woman, to eat her, and drink her, and keep
+her in things to wear, so long as you and she lives."
+
+"I do that very thing," responded the Squire.
+
+"And you, on your part," continued Bigelow, turning to Aunt Graves,
+"promise to behave yourself and obey the Squire in all things."
+
+Aunt Graves said "she would, Providence permitting."
+
+This marriage ceremony, I believe, is nearly word for word.
+
+"Then," said Turtle, "wheel yourselves into line, and let's have a dance;"
+and drawing out his fiddle the whole crowd, in five minutes, were tearing
+down at a most furious rate; and when I departed, at about midnight, the
+storm was raging still higher, the whiskey and hot water circulated freely,
+Turtle looked quite abstracted about his eyes, and his footsteps were
+growing more and more uncertain, Bulliphant's face shone like a full moon,
+the voices of the females, a little stimulated, were as noisy and confused
+as those of Babel, and your humble servant--why, he walked home as straight
+as a gun--of course he did--and was able to distinguish a hay-stack from a
+meeting-house, anywhere along the road.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII.
+
+     The Group at "The Eagle."--Entrée of a Stranger.--His
+     Opinion of the Tavern.--Bulliphant wakes up.--Can't pick
+     Fowls after Dark.--Sad Case of Mother Gantlet and Dr.
+     Teazle.--Mr. Farindale begins to unbend.--Whistle & Sharp,
+     and their Attorney.--Good Pay.--Legal Conversation.--Going
+     Sniping.--Great Description of the Animal.--The Party start,
+     Farindale holding the Bag.--"Waiting for
+     Snipe."--Farindale's Solitary Return.--His Interview with
+     Whistle & Sharp.--Suing a Puddleford Firm.--Relief
+     Laws.--Farindale gets his Execution.--The Puddleford
+     Bank.--The Appraisers.--Proceeds of the Execution.
+
+
+Late in the fall of the year, early one evening, Turtle, Longbow, Bates,
+the "Colonel," Swipes, and Beagle were congregated at the Eagle. Turtle and
+Bates were engaged at a game of checkers, and each one, fast-anchored at
+his right hand, had a glass of whiskey and water, or, as Turtle called it,
+"a little diluted baldface." Their mouths were pierced with a pipe, in the
+left hand corner, which hung loosely and rakishly down, besmearing their
+laps with ashes, and now and then they puffed forth a column of smoke. The
+"Colonel," Longbow, and the other Puddlefordians were ranged round the
+fire. The Colonel sat in a rickety chair, his feet hoisted up on the mantel
+on a line with his nose, and his shoulders hitched over the ends of its
+posts; the Squire was busily looking into the glowing coals, his hands
+clasped across his breast, unravelling some question of law, and Swipes
+sat very affectionately on Beagle's lap, his right arm thrown around his
+neck.
+
+While in this position, aloud call of "Hallo!" "Landlord!" "O-r-s-t-ler!"
+was heard without.
+
+"Stir yer stumps, old Boniface--a traveller in distress," exclaimed Ike, to
+Bulliphant, who was asleep on a wooden box behind the bar, and was snoring
+louder and louder at each succeeding blast.
+
+"Another two-and-sixpence, old free and easy," added Bates.
+
+"This ere's a licensed tavern, and you must be up and doing, or the la' 'll
+be inter you," gravely remarked the Squire.
+
+By this time the stranger dashed into the bar-room, his face flushed, and
+his temper, or his offended dignity, or both, in the ascendant, and
+exclaimed, ferociously, "Is this a tavern! are you all dead! where's the
+landlord! the hostler! Got any hay--oats!--anything for a gentleman to
+eat!--any place to sleep!"--when Bulliphant rubbed open his eyes with the
+knuckle of his fore-finger, gave a sleepy nod, and stumbled towards the
+door, to provide for his furious guest and his horse.
+
+The stranger walked into the bar-room, unwound two or three gaudy shawls
+from his neck, took off an overcoat, a surtout-coat, shed a pair of
+India-rubber travelling-boots, run both of his hands deep into his
+breeches-pockets, took half a dozen pompous strides across the floor,
+looking down all the while in abstracted mood at his feet, paraded before a
+glass, twisted one of the locks of his hair around his fore-finger, and
+finally brought up with his back to the fire, where he stood, his hands
+holding apart the skirts of his coat, and his attention fixed upon
+something on the ceiling.
+
+Turtle measured him with his eyes several times from head to foot; the
+"Colonel" hitched out of his way and begged his pardon, when, in fact, he
+was not at all _in_ his way; the Squire was quite overcome at the amount of
+opposing dignity brought so directly in contact with him; Bates gravely
+whistled Yankee Doodle, gazing out of the window, and winked over his
+shoulder at Beagle and Swipes, who winked back again.
+
+Bulliphant returned wide awake. "Any turkeys or chickens?" inquired the
+stranger.
+
+"All gone to roost," answered Bulliphant, with a grave kind of brevity.
+
+"Take a broiled chicken," said the stranger, giving a heavy hawk, with his
+hand upon his breast, and spitting half across the floor.
+
+"Have to take it feathers and all, then," said Bulliphant--"wimin folks are
+superstitious--don't b'lieve it's right to pick fowls in the night--'twas
+jest so with my wife's grandmother--she had the same complaint."
+
+The stranger looked very hard at Bulliphant, and spit again, somewhat
+spitefully.
+
+"Can give you mush, souse, slap-jacks, briled pork," continued Bulliphant,
+looking quizzically towards Turtle.
+
+The stranger said, "he thought he'd stopped at a _tavern_--but he'd a great
+deal better turned himself into the woods, and browsed for supper"--and
+heaving a long sigh, sat down, and crossed his legs in a settled mood of
+desperation.
+
+Bulliphant said "there warn't no cause for alarm--he'd seen sicker men than
+he die--and get well, too."
+
+The stranger grunted and shifted his legs.
+
+There was a long silence. All the Puddlefordians, except Ike and Bates, who
+were absorbed in their game, were looking soberly and steadily into the
+burning logs.
+
+"Turtle," exclaimed Swipes, at last, breaking the solitude--"is that man
+goin' to die?"
+
+"Can't tell," replied Turtle; "his life's on a pize--may turn one way, may
+turn t'other," and he took out his pipe, and blew a long whiff.
+
+"Sleep well, last night?"
+
+"Groan'd some 'bout midnight."
+
+Swipes looked very sad, and the stranger's eyes passed from face to face
+with anxious looks.
+
+"Ain't goin' to bleed to death?"
+
+"Not zactly that, but mortification's goin' to set in, and he cannot stand
+it long, when that takes him."
+
+"Dear me!" exclaimed the Colonel.
+
+"Very strange case!" added the Squire.
+
+"Great loss!" rejoined Bates.
+
+The stranger, who was none other than the junior member of the firm of
+Follett, Fizzlet & Farindale, dry goods merchants, doing business in the
+city of New York, and who was out at Puddleford hunting up the firm of
+Whistle & Sharp, a couple of debtors, whose account had been in the rear
+for some time--the stranger, I say, became very anxious to hear the
+particulars of the man whose life was in jeopardy--and he exclaimed before
+he thought--"What is it, gentlemen?--who's hurt?"
+
+"Why," said Ike, his face all the while cast iron, and his eyes steadily
+fixed on his game; "why, you see, old mother Gantlet was took with a
+violent mis'ry in her head--sent for Dr. Teazle--our village doctor
+here--the old 'oman said her head would bust--doctor said it wouldn't--the
+old 'oman said it would--the doctor said he'd tie it up--and he _did_ try
+to tie it up, stranger--and while he was busy, her head _did_ bust, and
+blew off the doctor's thumb and fore-finger"--and Ike shoved a man into the
+king-row and crowned him, without a look at Mr. Farindale, his face all the
+while as rigid as a tombstone.
+
+Mr. Farindale gave a long whistle, and immediately called for a cigar; the
+Colonel dropped a quid of tobacco into his hand, and gave it a toss across
+the bar-room; Longbow shot forth a dignified spit into the fire, or rather
+it seemed to shoot out itself, without moving a muscle, and Bates stroked
+his chin several times with his left hand.
+
+A long pause ensued. "What became of the woman?" inquired Farindale, after
+five minutes, looking sharply at Ike.
+
+"She hain't been heer'd on since, as I knows on," replied Ike; "but the
+_doctor's_ in a dref-ul state."
+
+The game of checkers closed, and Ike and Bates moved around near Mr.
+Farindale.
+
+"Stranger," said Ike, "travelled long in these ere parts?"
+
+"Not long--but long enough."
+
+"Goin' on?"
+
+"On where?"
+
+"Why, on to the next place?"
+
+"Does Whistle & Sharp live hereabouts?" inquired Farindale, without
+answering Ike's question.
+
+"To be sure they do," said Ike; "I know 'em like a book; am their 'torney."
+
+"Their attorney--_you_ their attorney--attorney of Whistle & Sharp," said
+the stranger, slowly and musingly, scratching his head with his
+fore-finger.
+
+"Got anything for 'em or agin 'em?" inquired Ike.
+
+"Are they good pay?" inquired the stranger.
+
+"Always pays at the end of an execution," replied Ike--"never
+before--allers takes a receipt on the docket--makes their settlements a
+matter of record--puts things where they can't be ripp'd up--best way,
+ain't it, stranger?"
+
+The stranger grunted, "Humph!"
+
+"And then," said Ike, "there's no dispute 'bout authority to collect.
+Everybody can't tell who everybody's agent is. One New York clark run'd
+away one year with all the collections from Puddleford in his
+breeches-pocket; but the court _has_ authority--gin'ral jurisdiction--and
+the discharge of a court is a discharge what _is_ a discharge."
+
+"That's a real opinion," exclaimed Longbow, who had not spoken for half an
+hour; "there's nothin' like a _court_ to put a finish onter things;" and
+the Squire gave two or three heavy coughs, and blew his nose into his red
+cotton handkerchief, and doubling it up into a wad, looked around very
+gravely at Farindale as he dropped it back into his hat.
+
+"Authority! The authority of courts to collect debts! They may have
+authority, but I never saw a court that had the _power_ to collect a debt
+of me," exclaimed the Colonel, shifting his tobacco from one side of his
+mouth to the other as he spoke; "and I never put in a plea in my life--the
+plea always puts _itself_ in, and is a dead bar to further proceedings
+every time--'no assets'--'nothing whereon to levy'"--
+
+"_Nully Bony! Nully Bony!_ you mean," said the Squire, horror-stricken at
+the Colonel's use of law language.
+
+"That's it," said Bates; "hain't got nothin' to get onter"--
+
+"And ain't nowhere to be found, nor nothin'," added Turtle.
+
+"Just so," said the Colonel; "a kind of general suspension for want of
+capital--the fiddle's on hand, but the bow is gone."
+
+The stranger was puzzled at the Puddlefordian view of paying debts, and
+wondered if Whistle & Sharp were advocates of the same doctrine.
+
+"Stranger!" said Bates, turning the subject of conversation, "do you ever
+hunt?"
+
+"Never," answered Farindale.
+
+"Rare sport to-night, going a-sniping," said Bates.
+
+"_Sni_-ping?" inquired the stranger, emphasizing the first syllable;
+"_sni_-ping! what is _sni_-ping?"
+
+"_Sni_-ping?" answered Bates--"why, catching snipe, to be sure."
+
+"Great sport," said the Colonel; "bagged three hundred night before last."
+
+"The real yaller legs, too!" remarked Turtle.
+
+Farindale said "he would like to accompany them--never saw a snipe in his
+life--would like to take one back to the city. Do they _sing_?" he
+inquired, turning to Turtle.
+
+"Great singers! catch any tune! s'prising critters to larn," answered Ike;
+"got one up to my house that goes thro' half of 'Old Hundred,' by jest
+hearing the folks hum it round the house."
+
+"_Re_-markable!" exclaimed Farindale.
+
+"Great eating, too," said Longbow.
+
+"Hain't got mor'n two or three bones in their whole body; all the rest
+meat," said Bates.
+
+Preparations were immediately made for the sniping expedition. The stranger
+put on his India-rubber boots, and shawls, and overcoat; Ike procured a
+large bag of Bulliphant; and all hands, excepting Squire Longbow, whose
+dignity forbade anything like sport, wended their way to the river, where,
+Turtle said, "there were whole droves on 'em."
+
+"Now," whispered Turtle, drawing Farindale close to him, and holding his
+arm all the while as he spoke in his ear, "we must keep very still--snipe
+are scary critters, and when they get frightened they put straight for the
+river. There is a big log out yonder--a favorite spot of theirs--down which
+they travel and jump off into the river. You jest take this ere bag, creep
+softly down to the log, slip the bag over the end on't, and wait there
+until we drive in the snipe. Don't speak--don't move; make 'em think you
+are the trunk of a tree; and when the bag is full, slip it off, and close
+it in a jiffy."
+
+"Yes! yes!" whispered back Farindale.
+
+"Mind, don't stir from your post till I halloo."
+
+"No! no!" said Farindale.
+
+Farindale did as he was directed. He found, however, a foot of black muck;
+but, after "slumping" a while, he managed to plant his spread legs out like
+a pair of extended compasses, and slide the bag over the log. Here he
+stood, half bent together, grasping the bag, and waiting for snipe.
+
+There was a beating of the bushes around him; then all was still; then
+another beating, and another, and then a longer silence. Farindale was
+sinking deeper and deeper in the mud, and the water was nearly to the top
+of his boots. By and by, the noises ceased--no foot-step could be heard,
+and the stranger was alone with the bag and the log, and half up to his
+middle--_waiting for snipe_.
+
+What ever became of the Puddlefordians is more than I can say. Farindale
+returned to the Eagle alone. Early the next morning he might have been
+found in anxious consultation with Whistle & Sharp concerning a claim there
+of a hundred and twelve dollars, and interest after six months, which he
+was very desirous to secure or settle. Mr. Whistle, the senior member of
+the firm of Whistle & Sharp, was a very thin-faced man, with sandy hair
+that had seldom been combed, and he wore a faded blue coat with metal
+buttons, the two behind having been placed just under his armpits, which
+made him look as though some invisible power was all the while lifting him
+up from the ground. His woollen pantaloons had passed so many times through
+the wash-tub, that he was obliged to strain out the wrinkles when he put
+them on, and they clung as tight to his legs as his skin. Sharp was a
+little man, had a long face, and his mouth seemed to have been bored--for
+it was round--about midway between his chin and his forehead; and he was
+always wasping around, giving consequential orders about nothing, and very
+often spoke of the _firm_ of Whistle & Sharp, and what Whistle & Sharp had
+done, and what Whistle & Sharp could do, and would do.
+
+Mr. Whistle informed Mr. Farindale that "the debt could not be paid at
+present, although," he added, "that the firm of Whistle & Sharp were good
+for ten times that amount."
+
+"And another ten top of that," added Sharp, from the other end of the
+store, where he was tumbling down and putting up goods by way of exercise.
+
+"Can you secure them?" inquired Farindale.
+
+"Well, now, you _have_ said it!" exclaimed Whistle, with apparent
+astonishment. "What can be safer than the firm of Whistle &
+Sharp?--_secure!_--never had such a thing hinted before during the ten
+years of our business."
+
+"A mortgage," insinuated Farindale.
+
+"Can't do _that_,--not no how; my old grandfather was swept out clean with
+a mortgage once; took all he had, and he was compelled to emigrate; died of
+broken heart at last."
+
+"Then," said Farindale, "I must sue."
+
+"What! sue the firm of Whistle & Sharp! Very well, sir, do, if you please."
+
+"Yes-sir-_ee_--horse-cob! Mr. Follett, Fizzlet & Farindale," exclaimed
+Sharp, springing at one bound over the counter; "just sue us
+if--_you_--please; we'll pay the costs!" and Sharp whistled a tune with his
+eyes fixed steadily upon Farindale.
+
+"Court sits next month," said Whistle.
+
+"And we'll confess judgment," said Sharp.
+
+"And the _pay_ is sure," said Whistle.
+
+"And no trouble hereafter," said Sharp.
+
+Mr. Farindale began to think another sniping expedition was afoot. He was
+not a coward, if his cockneyism had lured him after snipe; but he was
+unable to determine what kind of people the Puddlefordians were. He had
+never met anything like them. So he sat in his chair, the account against
+Whistle & Sharp in his hand, tapping the floor with his right foot, trying
+to devise some way to secure his claim.
+
+A thought struck him. "Pay it, and I will make a discount of twenty-five
+per cent.," said he.
+
+"What's that you say?" indignantly exclaimed Sharp. "Do you mean to injure
+our firm?--the firm of Whistle & Sharp, who pay dollar for dollar! That
+ere, sir, is an insult. There's the door--walk! Sue! but you can't insult
+_us_ on our own premises. That's the way to talk it, sir!" And Mr.
+Farindale _did_ go, and he _did_ sue, and the firm recovered a judgment
+against Whistle & Sharp for the sum of three hundred and twenty-four
+dollars and sixteen cents, and costs of suit.
+
+It was no great matter to recover a judgment against a Puddlefordian; but
+it was something of a business to realize the damages. And that the reader
+may understand what kind of a prospect Follett, Fizzlet & Farindale had for
+their money, it is necessary to speak of the laws then in force for the
+collection of debts. The new states at that time were entirely "shingled
+over" with relief laws, which were passed to save the property of the
+pioneer from sacrifice. There was scarcely any money in Puddleford, and
+exchanges were made by barter. Personal property was valued by its relation
+to other property; eight yards of calico were worth so much wheat, corn,
+potash, cord-wood, or saw-logs. The merchant managed to turn his grain
+into high wines, or put it in some other shape that would bear
+transportation, and he was thus enabled to pay _his_ debts. The farmer gave
+the mechanic an order on the merchant; the professional man took an order
+on the merchant; the day-laborer took an order on the merchant; everybody
+took an order on the merchant. The merchant was general paymaster; what he
+could not, or would not pay, remained unpaid; and he, in his turn, swept
+the farmer's crops, and took everything available; and the balance yet his
+due, and remaining unpaid, if any, was carried over against the farmer, and
+against the next crop. Thus the whole business of Puddleford ran through
+the merchant like wheat through a mill, and generally at a profit to the
+latter of from seventy-five to a hundred per cent.
+
+It was this condition of the country that drove the legislature into the
+enactment of relief-laws. As there was no money to pay debts, it was
+enacted that property should be a legal tender. The law in force, at the
+date of the judgment against Whistle & Sharp, was a beautiful specimen of
+legislative impudence and ingenuity. It _was_ a relief law! One section of
+the act provided, in substance, that upon the presentation of an execution,
+issued by any court in the state, by the officer to whom the same shall be
+directed, to the debtor or debtors mentioned therein, _such debtor or
+debtors may turn out any property, personal or real, to said officer_ who
+shall levy on the same; and the said officer shall cause the same to be
+appraised by three appraisers, one to be chosen by the plaintiff, one by
+the defendant, and one by the officer, who shall forthwith be sworn, etc.,
+and proceed to appraise said property turned out at its true cash value;
+and the said plaintiff in such execution shall receive said property at two
+thirds its appraised value; and, if he refuse, he shall not proceed any
+farther with his execution, or have another, _until he first pay up all the
+costs of said appraisement_.[A]
+
+An execution was issued by J. Snappit, Esq., attorney for Follett, Fizzlet
+& Farindale, upon the judgment, recorded as foresaid, against the firm of
+Whistle & Sharp, and put into the hands of the sheriff for collection.
+
+Now the sheriff of the county which included Puddleford within its limits
+was an accommodating man, a humane man, a man of the people, a--politician.
+He did not think it necessary to oppress debtors who were unfortunately
+unable to pay their debts--for the people elected him. Follett, Fizzlet &
+Farindale never voted for _him_--never could vote for him; Whistle & Sharp
+had, and would again. So the sheriff went down to Puddleford, and very
+politely informed them, with a wink, that "he had _that_ execution against
+them, and it must be paid."
+
+"Jest so--jest so," answered Sharp, reading over the writ: "Whistle & Sharp
+always pay--always have a pile of assets ready for a levy;" and returning
+the execution to the sheriff, begged a moment's delay, until "_we_ could
+consult with our attorney."
+
+Mr. Turtle was consulted, and the conclusion of Sharp's interview with him
+amounted to this: that Turtle should go immediately, and purchase for
+Whistle & Sharp the old steamboat cylinder, crank, and shaft; and the
+parties separated.
+
+The steamboat cylinder, crank, and shaft, alluded to, was what Turtle
+called the "Puddleford bank--metallic basis." Some years before, a
+steamboat, on an exploring expedition up the river, among its windings and
+sand-bars, was wrecked, and a heavy cylinder, crank, and shaft, thrown
+ashore at Puddleford, where they lay at the period I speak of, and had for
+a long time, deeply imbedded in sand. This mass of iron, weighing many
+tons, had for a long time been a perpetual bar to the collection of all
+debts against Puddlefordians. Chitty, in his Pleadings, never invented one
+so omnipotent. It suspended every execution directed against it. It was
+transferred, by bill of sale, from one Puddlefordian to another (as no
+creditor was ever found willing to receive it at any price), as necessity
+required, and was considered, by common consent, public property--a "bank"
+as Turtle called it, "to which any person had a right to resort in
+distress."[B]
+
+Turtle took a bill of sale of this iron from the last man in trouble, and
+turned it out to the sheriff on the execution against Whistle & Sharp.
+
+"Now, Mr. Sheriff," said Turtle, triumphantly, "bring on your ap_pri_zers;
+a thousand dollars' worth of property to pay a little over three hundred.
+My clients, Whistle & Sharp, are bunkum yet--allers stand up to the rack at
+the end of an execution. Bring on your ap_pri_zers, Mr. Sheriff."
+
+Mr. Turtle chose an appraiser first--a second cousin of Mr. Whistle, of
+the firm of Whistle & Sharp, and a man who was deeply in debt on their
+books--a bilious, weazen-faced, melancholy-looking man, who had acquired a
+great reputation for wisdom by saying nothing--whose name was Clinket. No
+one appearing to choose for the plaintiffs, the sheriff selected the other
+two. He named Mr. Troper, a seedy old fellow, whose crown was half out of
+his hat, whose beard was white, his nose red, and who had a whiskey-cough,
+and who was in the habit of visiting the barrel-tap of Whistle & Sharp
+three or four times a day, in consideration of odd jobs performed by him
+around the store; also, Mr. Fatler, a chubby-faced, twinkle-eyed wag, who
+would not hesitate to perpetrate a good joke, even under oath, particularly
+upon non-residents.
+
+The Puddlefordians were out in mass to see Follett & Co. try a run on their
+"bank." Many remarks were made.
+
+Bulliphant said "the cylinder alone cost five hundred dollars."
+
+Swipes said "it was a bully piece of stuff."
+
+"How much is the debt?" inquired Bates.
+
+"Two thirds of twelve hundred," exclaimed Turtle, loudly, "is eight
+hundred."
+
+"Worth the debt for old iron," said the Colonel.
+
+These remarks, designed for the appraisers, had their effect; they
+examined; they figured; retired for consultation; returned; retired again;
+and finally appraised the property turned out at sixteen hundred dollars;
+paying, at two thirds its _value_, the debt of Whistle & Sharp, and leaving
+a very handsome surplus due them from their creditors. But I am very happy
+to be enabled to say that Whistle & Sharp most magnanimously offered to
+release all _their_ claim on the levy to Follett & Co., if they would take
+the property, and discharge the judgment and costs, "making," as they said
+in their letter to them, "a clear profit on their part of from four to five
+hundred dollars."
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[A] This is the substance of a portion of the act, as it stood in force
+some years.
+
+[B] This is a literal fact.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII.
+
+     The "Fev-Nag."--Conflicting Theories.--"Oxergin and
+     Hydergin."--Teazle's Rationale.--The Scourge of the
+     West.--Sile Bates, and his Condition.--Squire Longbow and
+     Jim Buzzard.--Puddleford Prostrate.--Various
+     Practitioners.--"The Billerous Duck."--Pioneer
+     Martyrs.--Wave over Wave.
+
+
+During my first fall's residence at Puddleford, I frequently heard a
+character spoken of, who seemed to be full as famous in the annals of the
+place as Squire Longbow himself. He was called by a great variety of names,
+and very seldom alluded to with respect. He was termed the "Fev-Nag," the
+"Ag-an-Fev," the "Shakin' Ager," the "Shakes," and a great variety of other
+hard names were visited upon him.
+
+That he was the greatest scourge Puddleford had to contend with, no one
+denied. Who he really was, what he was, where born, and for what purpose,
+was a question. Dobbs had one theory, Short another, and Teazle still
+another. Dr. Dobbs said "that his appearance must be accounted for in this
+wise--that the marshes were all covered with water in the spring, that the
+sun began to grow so all-fir'd hot 'long 'bout July and August, that it
+cream'd over the water with a green scum, and rotted the grass, and this
+all got stewed inter a morning fog, that rose up and elated itself among
+the Ox-er-gin and Hy-der-gin, and pizened everybody it touched."
+
+Dr. Dobbs delivered this opinion at the public house, in a very oracular
+style. I noticed several Puddlefordians in his presence at the time, and
+before he closed, their jaws dropped, and their gaping mouths and expanded
+eyes were fixed upon him with wonder.
+
+Dr. Teazle declared that "Dobbs didn't know anything about it. He said the
+ager was buried up in the airth, and that when the sile was turned up, it
+got loose, and folks breath'd it into their lungs, and from the lungs it
+went into the liver, and from the liver it went to the kidneys, and the
+secretions got fuzzled up, and the bile turn'd black, and the blood didn't
+run, and it set everybody's inards all a-tremblin'."
+
+Without attempting the origin of the ague and fever, it was, and always has
+been, the scourge of the West. It is the foe that the West has ever had to
+contend with. It delays improvement, saps constitutions, shatters the whole
+man, and lays the foundation for innumerable diseases that follow and
+finish the work for the grave. It is not only ague and fever that so
+seriously prostrates the pioneer, but the whole family of intermittent and
+remittent fevers, all results of the same cause, press in to destroy.
+Perhaps no one evil is so much dreaded. Labor, privation, poverty, are
+nothing in comparison. It is, of course, fought in a great variety of ways,
+and the remedies are as numerous as they are ridiculous. A physician who is
+really skilful in the treatment of these diseases is, of course, on the
+road to wealth, but skilful physicians were not frequent in Puddleford, as
+the reader has probably discovered.
+
+I recollect that, during the months of September and October, subsequently
+to my arrival, all Puddleford was "down," to use the expression of the
+country; and if the reader will bear with me, and pledge himself not to
+accuse me of trifling with so serious a subject, I will endeavor to
+describe Puddleford "in distress."
+
+I will premise by saying that it is expected that persons who are on their
+feet during these visitations, give up their time and means to those who
+are not. There is a nobleness of soul in a western community in this
+respect that does honor to human nature. A village is one great
+family--every member must be provided for--old grudges are, for the time,
+buried.
+
+I have now a very vivid remembrance of seeing Sile Bates, one bright
+October morning, walking through the main street of Puddleford, at the pace
+of a funeral procession, his old winter overcoat on, and a faded shawl tied
+about his cheeks. Sile informed me "that he believed the ager was comin'
+on-ter him--that he had a spell on't the day before, and the day before
+that--that he had been a-stewin' up things to break the fits, and clean out
+his constitution, but it stuck to him like death on-ter a nigger"--he said
+"his woman and two boys were shakin' like all possess't, and he railly
+believed if somebody didn't stop it, the log-cabin would tumble down round
+their ears." He said "there warn't nobody to do nuthin' 'bout house, and
+that all the neighbors were worse off than he was."
+
+Sile was a melancholy object indeed. And in all conscience, reader, did you
+ever behold so solemn, woe-begone a thing on the round earth, as a man
+undergoing the full merits of ague and fever? Sile sat down on a barrel and
+commenced gaping and stretching, and now and then dropped a remark
+expressive of his condition. He finally began to chatter, and the more he
+chattered, the more ferocious he waxed. He swore "that if he ever got well,
+he'd burn his house, sell his traps, 'bandon his land, pile his family into
+his cart, hitch on his oxen, and drive 'em, and drive 'em to the north
+pole, where there warn't no ager, he knew. One minit," he said, "he was
+a-freezin', and then he was a-burnin', and then he was a-sweatin' to death,
+and then he had a well day, and that didn't 'mount to nothin', for the
+critter was only gettin' strength to jump on him agin the next." Sile at
+last exhausted himself, and getting upon his feet, went off muttering and
+shaking towards his house.
+
+The next man I met was Squire Longbow. The Squire was moving slower, if
+possible, than Bates. His face looked as if it had been just turned out of
+yellow oak, and his eyes were as yellow as his face. As the Squire never
+surrendered to anything, I found him not disposed to surrender to ague and
+fever. He said "he'd only had a little brush, but he'd knock it out on-him
+in a day or two. He was jist goin' out to scrape some elder bark _up_, to
+act as an emetic, as Aunt Sonora said if he scraped it _down_, it would
+have t'other effect--and that would kill it as dead as a door-nail."
+
+I soon overhauled Jim Buzzard, lying half asleep in the bottom of his
+canoe, brushing off flies with an oak branch. Jim, too, was a case, but it
+required something more than sickness to disturb his equilibrium. Jim said
+"he warn't sick, but he felt the awfulest tired any dog ever did--he was
+the all-thunderest cold, t'other day, _he_ ever was in hot
+weather--somethin' 'nother came on ter him all of a suddint, and set his
+knees all goin', and his jaws a quiv'rin', and so he li'd down inter the
+sun, but the more he li'd, the more he kept on a shakin', and then that
+are all went off agin, and he'd be darned to gracious if he didn't think
+he'd burn up--and so he just jumped inter the river, and cool'd off--and,
+now he feel'd jist so agin--and so he'd got where the sun could strike him
+a little harder this time. What shall a feller do?" at last inquired Jim.
+
+"Take medicine," said I.
+
+"Not by a jug-full," said Jim. "Them are doctors don't get any of their
+stuff down my throat. If I can't stand it as long as the ager, then I'll
+give in. Let-er-shake if it warnts to--it works harder than I do, and will
+get tir'd byme-by. Have you a little plug by-yer jest now, as I haven't had
+a chew sin' morning, as it may help a feller some?" Jim took the tobacco,
+rolled over in his canoe, gave a grunt, and composed himself for sleep.
+
+This portrait of Buzzard would not be ludicrous, if it was not true.
+Whether Socrates or Plato, or any other heathen philosopher, has ever
+attempted to define this kind of happiness, is more than I can say. In
+fact, reader, I do not believe that there was one real Jim Buzzard in the
+whole Grecian republic.
+
+But why speak of individual cases? Nearly all Puddleford was
+prostrate--man, woman, and child. There were a few exceptions, and the aid
+of those few was nothing compared to the great demand of the sick. It was
+providential that the nature of the disease admitted of one well day,
+because there was an opportunity to "exchange works," and the sick of
+to-day could assist the sick of to-morrow, and so _vice versa_.
+
+I looked through the sick families, and found the patients in all
+conditions. One lady had "just broke the ager on-ter her by sax-fax tea,
+mix'd with Colombo." Another "had been a-tryin' eli-cum-paine and pop'lar
+bark, but it didn't lie good on her stomach, and made her enymost crazy."
+Another woman was "so as to be crawlin'"--another was "getting quite
+peert"--another "couldn't keep anything down, she felt so qualmly"--another
+said, "the disease was runnin' her right inter the black janders, and then
+she _was_ gone"--another had "run clear of yesterday's chill, and was now
+goin' to weather it;" and so on, through scores of cases.
+
+It is worthy of note, the popular opinion of the character of this disease.
+Although Puddleford had been afflicted with it for years, yet it was no
+better understood by the mass of community than it was at first. I have
+already given the opinion of Dobbs and Teazle of the _causes_ of the ague;
+but as Dobbs and Teazle held entirely different theories, Puddleford was
+not much enlightened by their wisdom. (If some friend will inform me when
+and where any community was ever enlightened by the _united_ opinion of its
+physicians, I will publish it in my next work.) Aunt Sonora had a theory
+which was a little old, but it was hers, and she had a right to it. She
+said "nobody on airth could live with a stomach full of bile, and when the
+shakin' ager come on, you'd jest got-ter go to work and get off all the
+bile--bile _was_ the ager, and physicians might talk to her till she was
+gray 'bout well folks having bile--she know'd better--twarn't no such
+thing."
+
+Now Aunt Sonora practised upon this theory, and the excellent old lady
+administered a cart-load of boneset every season--blows to elevate the
+bile, and the leaf as a tonic. However erroneous her theory might have
+been, I am bound to say that her practice was about as successful as that
+of the regular physician.
+
+Mr. Beagle declared "that the ager was in the blood, and the patient must
+first get rid of all his bad blood, and then the ager would go along with
+it." Swipes said "it was all in the stomach." Dobbs said "the billerous
+duck chok'd up with the mash fogs, and the secretions went every which way,
+and the liver got as hard as sole-leather, and the patient becom' sick, and
+the ager set in, and then the fever, and the hull system got-er goin'
+wrong, and if it warn't stopped, natur'd give out, and the man would die."
+Teazle said "it com'd from the plough'd earth, and got inter the air, and
+jist so long as folks breath'd agery air, jist so long they'd have the
+ager." Turtle said "the whole tribe on 'em, men-doctors and women-doctors,
+were blockheads, and the surest way to get rid of the ager, was to let it
+run, and when it had run itself out, it would stop, and not 'afore."
+
+Here, then, was Puddleford at the mercy of a dozen theories, and yet men
+and women recovered, when the season had run its course, and were tolerably
+sure of health, until another year brought around another instalment of
+miasma.
+
+How many crops of men have been swept off by the malaria of every new
+western country, I will not attempt to calculate! How many, few persons
+have ever attempted! This item very seldom goes into the cost of
+colonization. Pioneers are martyrs in a sublime sense, and it is over their
+bones that school-houses, churches, colleges, learning, and refinement are
+finally planted. But the death of a pioneer is a matter of no moment in
+our country--it is almost as trifling a thing as the death of a soldier in
+an Indian fight. There is no glory to be won on any such field. One
+generation rides over another, like waves over waves, and "no such
+miserable interrogatory," as Where has it gone? or How did it go? is put;
+but What did it do?--What has it left behind?
+
+Any one who has long been a resident in the West, must have noticed the
+operation of climate upon the constitution. The man from the New England
+mountains, with sinews of steel, soon finds himself flagging amid western
+miasma, and a kind of stupidity creeps over him, that it is impossible to
+shake off. The system grows torpid, the energies die, indifference takes
+possession, and thus he vegetates--he does not live.
+
+And, dear reader, it does not lighten the gloom of the picture to find
+Dobbs, and Teazle, and Short, quarrelling over the remains of some departed
+one, endeavoring to delude the public into something themselves have no
+conception of, about the manner in which he or she went out of the world.
+Not that all the physicians are Dobbses or Teazles, but these sketches are
+written away out on the rim of society, the rim of western society, where
+the townships are not yet all organized, and a sacred regard to truth
+compels me to record facts as they exist.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV.
+
+     Uncommonly Common Schools.--Annual School District
+     Meeting.--Accounts for Contingent Expenses.--Turtle and Old
+     Gulick's Boy.--"That are Glass."--The Colonel starts the
+     Wheels again.--Bulliphant's Tactics.--Have we hired "Deacon
+     Fluett's Darter," or not?--Isabel Strickett.--Bunker Hill
+     and Turkey.--Sah-Jane Beagles.--The Question settled.
+
+
+Common schools are said to be the engine of popular liberty. I think we had
+some of the most _un_-commonly common schools, at Puddleford, that could be
+found anywhere under the wings of the American eagle. Our system was, of
+course, the same as that of all other townships in the state, but its
+administration was not in all respects what it should be. Our schools were
+managed by Puddlefordians, and they were responsible only for the talent
+which had been given them. Every citizen knows that our government is a
+piece of mechanism, made up of wheels within wheels, and while these wheels
+are in one sense totally independent, and stand still or turn as they are
+moved or let alone, yet they may indirectly affect the whole. In other
+words, our government is like a cluster of Chinese balls, curiously wrought
+within, and detached from each other, and yet it is, after all, but one
+ball. There is something beautiful in the construction and operation of
+this piece of machinery. A school district is one machine, a township
+another, a county another, and a state another--all independent
+organizations, yet every community must work its own organization. They are
+not operated afar off by some great central power, over the heads of the
+people; but they are worked _by_ the people themselves, for themselves.
+
+However clumsily the work may be performed at first, practice makes
+perfect, and men become the masters, as well as the administrators of their
+own laws.
+
+We had an annual school district meeting in the village of Puddleford--and
+there were many others in the country at the same time--for the township
+was cut up into several districts, and I never attended one that did not
+end in a "row," to use a western classical expression. The business of
+these meetings was all prescribed by statute, and it amounted to settling
+and allowing the accounts of the board for the last school year, voting
+contingent fund for the next, determining whether a school should be taught
+by a male or a female teacher, and for how many months, and the election of
+new officers.
+
+The last meeting I attended, Longbow was in the chair by virtue of his
+office as president of the school district board. Being organized, the
+clerk of the board presented his account for contingent expenses, and
+Longbow wished to know "if the meetin' would pass 'em."
+
+Turtle "wanted to hear 'em read."
+
+Longbow said "the only account they had was in their head."
+
+Turtle said "that warn't 'cordin' to the staterts."
+
+Longbow said "he'd risk that--his word was as good as anybody's writin', or
+any statert."
+
+Turtle said "he'd hear what they was, but 'twarn't right, and for his
+part, he didn't b'lieve the board know'd what they'd been about for the
+last six months."
+
+Longbow raised his green shade from his blind eye, rose on his feet, looked
+down very ferociously upon Turtle, stamped his foot, and informed Ike "that
+this was an org'nized meetin', and he mustn't reflect on-ter the officers
+of the _de_-strict; 'twas criminal!"
+
+The account was then repeated by Longbow, item by item, and among the rest
+was two shillings for setting glass.
+
+When glass was mentioned, Turtle sprang to his feet again. "Thar, old man,"
+he exclaimed, rapping his knuckles on the desk, "thar's where I'se got
+you--thar's a breach er trust, a squand'rin' of funds, that ain't a-going
+to go down in this ere meetin'. Old Gulick's boy broke that are glass just
+out of sheer dev'ltry, and you s'pose this ere school _de_-strict is
+a-goin' to pay for't? What do you s'pose these ere staterts was passed for?
+What do you s'pose you was 'lected for? To pay for old Gulick's boy?--Well,
+I rather caklate not, by the light of this ere moon--not in this ere age of
+Puddleford."
+
+Squire Longbow took a large chew of plug-tobacco, which I thought he nipped
+off very short, and remained standing, with his eyes fixed on Turtle.
+
+Sile Bates rose, and said "he wanted to know the particulars 'bout that are
+glass."
+
+Longbow said "the board 'spended money in their 'scretion, and 'twarn't fur
+Turtle or Bates, or anybody else, to 'raign 'em up 'fore this 'ere
+meetin'."
+
+Here was a long pause. The "Colonel" finally arose, put his hand
+deliberately into his pocket, drew out a quarter, and flung it at the
+Squire, and "hop'd the meetin' would go on, as it was the first public
+gathering that he ever knew blocked by twenty-five cents."
+
+This settled the difficulty, and the report for contingent expenses was
+adopted.
+
+Bulliphant then said he had a motion. He "moved that we hire Deacon
+Fluett's darter to keep our school."
+
+The Squire said "the meetin' couldn't hire, but it could say male or female
+teacher."
+
+Bulliphant "moved we hire a female, and we recommend Deacon Fluett's
+darter."
+
+Bates said "he jest as 'lieve have one of Fluett's two-year olds."
+
+The "Colonel" said "she couldn't spell Baker."
+
+Swipes thought "she was scarcely fit to _go_ to school."
+
+Turtle said "the meetin' hadn't got nothin' to do with it, nohow, and the
+whole motion was agin law."
+
+Bulliphant, who had become a little out of humor, then "moved that we don't
+hire Deacon Fluett's darter."
+
+Bates declared "the motion out of order."
+
+The Squire said "he guess'd the motion was proper. The staterts said the
+meetin' shouldn't hire anybody, but the de-strict board should; and this
+ere motion was jest 'cordin' to statert."
+
+But the meeting voted down Bulliphant's motion, and Bulliphant then
+declared that the vote was "tan-ter-mount to a resolve to hire the woman."
+
+Here was a parliamentary entanglement that occupied an hour; but the
+"Colonel" settled it at last, by reminding the president "that it was _two_
+negatives that made one affirmative--not one;" and the Squire said "so he
+believed he had seen it laid down inter the books."
+
+But I cannot attempt to report the proceedings of this miscellaneous body.
+The business occupied some four or five hours, and was finally brought to a
+close. A new school board was elected, and your humble servant was one of
+the number; positively the first office that was ever visited upon him.
+
+The great question with two of the members of our board, in hiring a
+teacher, was the price. Qualification was secondary. The first application
+was made by a long-armed, red-necked, fiery-headed youth of about nineteen
+years, who had managed to run himself up into the world about six feet two
+inches, and who had not worn off his flesh by hard study, and who carried
+about him digestive organs as strong as the bowels of a thrashing-machine.
+He "wanted a school, 'cause he had nothing else to do in the winter
+months."
+
+He was accordingly introduced to our School Inspectors; the only one of
+whom I knew was Bates. The other two were rather more frightened at the
+presentation than the applicant himself.
+
+Bates proposed first to try the gentleman in geography and history.
+"Where's Bunker Hill?" inquired Bates, authoritatively.
+
+"Wal, 'bout that," said Strickett--our applicant called his name Izabel
+Strickett--"'bout that, why, it's where the battle was fit, warn't it?"
+
+"Jes so," replied Bates; "and where was that?"
+
+"Down at the east'ard."
+
+"Who did the fightin' there?"
+
+"Gin'rul Washington fit all the revolution."
+
+"Where's Spain?"
+
+"Where?" repeated Strickett--"Spain? where is it?"
+
+"Yes! where?"
+
+[Illustration: JIM BUZZARD AND THE AGER.
+
+"Them 'ere doctors don't get any of their stuff down my throat. If I can't
+stand it as long as the _ager_, then I'll give in."--Page 186.]
+
+"Wal, now," exclaimed Strickett, looking steadily on the floor, "I'll be
+darn'd if that ere hain't just slipped my mind."
+
+"Where's Turkey?"
+
+"O, yes," said Strickett, "Turkey--the place they _call_ Turkey--if you'd
+ask'd me in the street, I'd told you right off, but I've got so fruster'd I
+don't know nothin';" and thinking a moment, he exclaimed, "it's where the
+Turks live. I thought I know'd."
+
+"How many States are there in the Union?"
+
+"'Tween twenty-live and thirty--throwin' out Canady."
+
+Bates then attempted an examination in reading and spelling. "Spell hos!"
+said Bates.
+
+"H--o--s."
+
+"Thunder!" roared Bates. Bates _did_ know how to spell horse. He had seen
+notices of stray horses, and a horse was the most conspicuous object in
+Puddleford, excepting, of course, Squire Longbow. "H--o--s! that's a
+hos-of-a-way to spell hos!" and Bates looked at Strickett very severely,
+feeling a pride of his own knowledge.
+
+Strickett said "he us'd the book when he teach'd school--he didn't teach
+out of his head--and he didn't believe the 'spectors themselves could spell
+Ompompanoosuck right off, without getting stuck."
+
+Izabel's examination was something after this sort, through the several
+English branches; yet a majority of the Board of School Inspectors decided
+to give him a certificate, if we said so, as he was to teach our school,
+and we were more interested than they in his qualifications; and whether
+the Inspectors knew what his qualifications really were, "this deponent
+saith not." Strickett "sloped."
+
+The next application was by letter. The epistle declared that the applicant
+"brok'd his arm inter a saw-mill, and he couldn't do much out-door work
+till it heal'd up agin, and if we'd hire him to carry on our school, he
+tho't he would make it go well 'nough,"--but the School Board decided that
+all-powerful as sympathy might be, it could scarcely drive a district
+school under such orthography, syntax, and prosody.
+
+Next appeared Mrs. Beagle, in behalf of her "Sah-Jane." "She know'd
+Sah-Jane, and she know'd Sah-Jane was jist the thing for the Puddleford
+school; and if we only know'd Sah-Jane as well as she know'd Sah-Jane, we'd
+have her, cost what it might." She said "Sah-Jane was a most s'prisin'
+gal--she hung right to her books, day _and_ night--and she know'd she had a
+sleight at teachin'. Mr. Giblett's folks told Mr. Brown's folks, so she
+heer'd, that if they ever _did_ get Sah-Jane into that ere school, she'd
+make a buzzin' that would tell some."
+
+Sah-Jane's case was, however, indefinitely postponed. Some objections,
+among other things, on the score of age, were suggested. This roused the
+wrath of Mrs. Beagle, and she "guessed her Sah-Jane was old enough to teach
+a Puddleford school--if she tho't she warn't, she'd bile her up in-ter
+soap-grease, and sell her for a shillin' a quart!--and as for the
+_de_-strict board, they'd better go to a school-marm themselves, and larn
+somethin', or be 'lected over agin, she didn't care which;" and Mrs. Beagle
+left at a very quick step, her face much flushed and full of cayenne and
+vengeance.
+
+There were a great many more applications, and at last the board hired--I
+say the _board_--_I_ didn't. But the other members overruled me, and price,
+not qualification, settled the question at last.
+
+This was the way the machinery was worked in our school district, during
+the very early days of Puddleford. As the stream never rises above the
+fountain-head, education was quite feeble. But we do better now--there is
+less friction on our gudgeons, and if Puddleford should turn out a
+President one of these days, it would be nothing more than what our
+glorious institutions have before "ground out" under more discouraging
+circumstances.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV.
+
+     Venison Styles again.--Sermon on Nature.--Funeral Songs of
+     the Birds.--Their Flight and Return.--His Theory of
+     Government.--Sakoset.--The Indians.
+
+
+Venison Styles, rough and rugged as he was, had acquired much knowledge in
+a wild way, and could, in that way, stagger a philosopher. No man had a
+nicer insight into nature. Birds and brooks, hills and valleys, trees and
+flowers, were all his study. He had no faith in science, except just so far
+as it came within his own experience. "Book larnin'," he said, "was all
+very well; but lookin' natur' in the face, and listening to what she said,
+was a deal better." I remember one of his sermons, which he delivered to me
+one bright October afternoon, when the woods were all russet and gold, the
+squirrels chattering in the trees, the nuts dropping, the partridges
+whirring and drumming, and the soft autumnal light was faintly struggling
+along the aisles of the forest. "You see," said Venison, "how all natur' is
+talkin', and if you will only listen, can tell enymost what she says.
+There," he continued, "just hear that robin pecking away on that ere coke
+bush. Hear him pipe away so melancholy-like--'All goin'! all goin'!' he
+says. How low and fine that yaller-bird sings--a kinder fun'ral song. The
+jay is sad-like, and acts just as though he felt winter comin'. That crow,
+sailin' through the air, croaks awful gloomy-like and holler--and all these
+ere crickets and insects jine in so sad and downcast. 'Tain't their spring
+song. They are down onter another key now. They begin to feel frost inter
+their bones. They know what's comin'."
+
+"Know!" said I; "what do birds know about winter, till it comes." I wanted
+to draw the old philosopher out.
+
+"Know! know!" continued Venison. "Birds think and talk--yes, they
+do--_they_ know. I've heerd 'em talk to one another, from tree-top to
+tree-top, across these woods many a time--lay plans many a day. What makes
+'em flockin' around us to-day, and soarin' around in companies, if they
+don't understand each other? They go round and round for a week or two,
+visit this wood and that, jabber, and fret, and fume, pick up a straggler
+here, 'nother there, and when they get a good ready, and are flock'd, off
+they go, travellin' south. Hain't they got col'nels, captins, and
+laws?--they are jest as much of a body as our school de-strict is, and
+every bird knows what he is about, what he is going to do, and how, too."
+
+"Why don't all the blackbirds go into one flock, Venison?" said I.
+
+"There 'tis! there 'tis!" replied Venison; "if 'twas all chance, they
+would. But it jest ain't chance. Natur' has 'lowed them to fix it. There,"
+he continued, "goes a flock now--they've got a captin among 'em, leading
+'em on--he knows every one under him--and they are jest around visitin'
+their friends before goin' off--that's all."
+
+"Do you think they will come back again, Venison?" I inquired.
+
+"Back again! back again!" he exclaimed, looking up to me with surprise.
+"Why, man, this is their home--they were born 'here. This is their ground,
+hereabouts. They know every tree, and mash, and river for miles 'round.
+You'll hear 'em chatterin' and gabblin' by next April 'gain."
+
+"Doubtful," I replied.
+
+"Well, now," said Venison, "I've tried that. Down to where I live, the
+blackbirds and robins are thick as spatter. They make it all ring round me.
+I caught a dozen or more of each in a net one fall, cut off one toe all
+round, and let 'em go. Jim Spikes bet they wouldn't come back; I bet they
+would. I wanted to try it, you see. When spring came on again there the
+fellers were, sure enough, or most on 'em, on hand, ready for summer's
+business again. Jim gin in--he did."
+
+"I should think they would stray away, Venison," said I.
+
+"Don't you believe in a God!" broke out Venison, in an animated tone. "When
+He made 'em, He put a compass inter their heads that can't get out of fix,
+and they run jest as straight by it as my dog does by his nose--and a dog's
+nose is _his_ compass, you know."
+
+This was a quaint, but a very pointed way, of illustrating a law of nature.
+Venison was a quaint man, and drove at a conclusion frequently cross lots,
+by some startling figure of speech.
+
+"And I've got an idee," continued Venison, "an idee--I don't put it down as
+fact--that birds know one another, jest as we do--remember each other from
+y'ar to y'ar--how they sang together last y'ar and every y'ar in the
+shadows and sunshine of this old wood, and nested and raised their young
+'uns together--and they kinder bid good by to one 'nother when they go off
+in the fall, and say How are you? when spring comes on--and may be they
+have their likes and dislikes, and old grudges to bring up agin--for there
+is a world of human natur' in 'em--a world on't--it is only an idee--can't
+say--but I believe it--but,"--and the old hunter turned round with a sad
+look,--"they won't roam round here much longer; the big trees are tumblin';
+the old seventy-sixers are enymost gone; morn'er twenty y'ars ago they were
+mighty noisy up in that ar oak (he pointed to an enormous oak stump), but
+the varmints heeved it down, and made it inter lumber--the old tree that
+liv'd and rock'd in the storms five hundred years, I reckon; the bees and
+birds all knew it, and jest hung around it 'cause they lov'd it. I have had
+many a good shot from it. I heerd it crash when it came down--felt it, I
+did--feel it yet--the varmints."
+
+"But," said I, with an effort to turn the current of the old man's
+thoughts, "you really believe that birds have their captains and colonels,
+and all that, do you?"
+
+"Yes, sir! and mor'n that; kings and queens, for aught I know. It's a king
+that leads the ducks in their flight, ain't it? Hain't you heer'd him blow
+his horn, away in the sky, as he led 'em on up the rivers and takes? Don't
+the bees have their queen?"
+
+Venison launched forth in his peculiar style on the theory of government,
+despotic and republican--maintained that God "hadn't any republics" in his
+kingdom--"all on 'em kings and queens--nobody was 'lected there--all on
+'em were made from the beginning to rule and reign over their subjects." He
+maintained that as God was almighty, so he put almighty power in the rulers
+of the kingdoms under him. Therefore--such was his argument--"man orter be
+governed by man"--not by the voice of the people, but by a sovereign higher
+than himself. His arguments and language were home-made, but his ideas were
+brought out with great point and force.
+
+I had long known that Venison was well posted on the trees and shrubs,
+flowers, and even the weeds. Nothing that he had ever observed had failed
+him. Probably he never read a book on the subject in his life, that is, if
+he could read. The familiar names of all creation were understood by him,
+and he had his own theories about everything animate and inanimate. I
+started him off on this subject. I called his attention to the oak over
+which he shed a tear, and by degrees drew him along to the time when the
+axe and the plough would change the whole face of the country around us
+into hamlets, green pastures, and waving fields of grain. The old man
+looked solemn. The subject was not pleasant to him--he heaved a sigh, and
+said, finally, "'Tis all the same! 'tis all the same with me! I shall be
+under the ground then! I don't wanter live to see it."
+
+He rallied, and went on--"They've enymost spilt it now. When I was young, I
+could see a deer a mile away--no underbrush to shade my rifle. The deer,
+too, look'd grander like, somehow, than they do now. They had a freedom in
+'em. They seemed to know the woods was theirs. They kinder go sneakin'
+round now, as though some critter was arter 'em. This stream was filled
+with ducks, flappin' their wings, and washin' themselves; and many a time
+I've heer'd 'em, jest as the sun was a-settin', talkin' to themselves, and
+gettin' ready to go to bed. But the settlers came in, dammed the river, and
+down came the sawdust, and it roar'd and rattled 'em all away. The
+partridges used to drum and drum in the still afternoon, and whirr
+about--and they are gone, too. I don't believe natur' likes to be
+disturbed. She sorter rebels agin the plough at first. She allers sends up
+coke and bramble when the furrows are first made--fights it as well as she
+can, till they get her under, and put her inter what they call crops. The
+Lord made the airth well enough to begin with. He knew what we wanted. He
+gave us airth and sky, woods and water--birds and fish to eat--and it all
+rais'd itself, and enough on't, too. This thing they call civ'lation is
+right agin natur'. It makes poor young men and wim'in'. They hain't got no
+stuff in 'em--they can't do anythin'--they are peepin' round, full of pain
+of every sort--full of rheumatiz, agers, janders, and all sorter ails. I've
+gone morn'er twenty miles a day, loaded with game, and not a tired hair in
+me--can do it agin." And thus Venison preached, too much and too long for
+me to record in full.
+
+Venison continued, and declared that "there was enough of everything just
+as it was." He attempted to show that there were seeds of life deep in the
+earth, planted there from the beginning, that came forth in due time, and
+replenished the earth. He never "see'd any coke till they ploughed a
+furrow, and built that ere rail fence"--"and down in that ere breakin'
+(which I saw had been neglected, and was overgrown heavily), the
+blackberries and ten thousand other things were comin' up." He said he
+"would jest like to know where all that seed had been lyin' since the world
+was made--how long it would have laid, he'd jest like ter know, if that ere
+plough hadn't stirred up the sile." And thus he attempted to illustrate his
+theory of vegetation.
+
+"Not only the trees, but the Injuns were goin'. 'Tain't as 'twas with 'em
+when they went a-whoopin' around among the streams and woods. I've see'd
+mor'n nor forty canoes sailing away here on this river at on'st--and then
+we had raal Injuns--tall, six-foot fellers, with eyes like the eagle. But
+they, too, are pinin' out like. The white man, and the white man's ways,
+and the white man's drink, has taken all the tuck out on 'em. They know,
+what are left on 'em, that they ain't raal Injuns any more. They don't
+whoop any more. They hang about the towns a while, and get full of pizen,
+and then slink away silently inter the forest again. Sometimes, when
+huntin' season comes on, they fire up, and chase the game, but it is kinder
+melancholy, after all--like a flame jest spirtin' out a minute from a
+charr'd and half-burning log. There's old Sakoset (I've known him enymost
+on to forty years), was jest as much of a king, and had jest as much of a
+throne, as old George Third ever had. He lov'd his tribe, and they lov'd
+him. His word was law. These were all his grounds for a hundred miles
+round. I know it warn't mark'd off into counties, townships, and school
+de-stricts. They didn't have any place to file away papers, nor didn't
+write everythin' they did in books--but they had their laws jest as well,
+all written down inter their heads; and they knew their history--they had,
+what white men call their traditions--they knew all about their fathers
+and grandfathers, and great-great-grandfathers--and old Sakoset was their
+chief. He was six feet three inches by measure, and as straight as that
+'ere hickory. He was knit all over as tight as an oak. He was as hansome as
+a picter, and I've seen him in council, when I tho't he was the noblest
+lookin' mortal on this airth. And there warn't no man, no gov'ment (Venison
+grew excited here) that had as good a right to these 'ere grounds as
+Sakoset. God gave 'em to him, and the white man stole 'em away, stole 'em,
+sir!--stole 'em. Yes, sir! they passed a law that they should be removed
+'yond the 'Sippi--gave 'em huntin' grounds, as they call 'em--drove 'em
+together like scar'd sheep, and forc'd 'em away from their own sile. But
+old Sakoset didn't like his new home, wouldn't stay, and he and a few of
+his tribe straggled back here agin, and now wander round these woods. But
+he ain't the same man any more; he's all broke down like; 'tain't the same
+place to him, he says. The stream winds round the hill yet, and the
+mountain is there, but the forest is mostly down, and the white man is
+everywhere. Sakoset says but little; goes round dreamin'-like; hangs about
+alone in the woods, a-thinkin', and sees in his mind his tribe all before
+him as it was when he was king over them on these grounds. I saw him a few
+days ago up in the Injun buryin'-ground sittin' so still, I first tho't he
+was a monerment somebody had put up--but 'twas Sakoset."
+
+Venison was here attracted by the roar of a gun, and a deer rushed past,
+breaking his discourse, and we both followed the hunter and the hunted, to
+see how the chase would end--saw the deer plunge into the river, the dogs
+after him, and I watched them until they floated away around the bend
+beyond my sight.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI.
+
+     Some Account of John Smith.--Nicknames.--Progress of the
+     Age.--The Colonel's Opinion of Science.--John Smith's
+     Dream.--Ike Turtle's Dream.--Ike takes the Boots.
+
+
+Pioneers--men who grow up in the woods--are famous for luxuriant
+imaginations. Everything, with them, is on a sweeping scale with the
+natural objects amid which they dwell. The rivers, and lakes, and plains
+are great, and seem to run riot--so men sometimes run riot too, in thought,
+and word, and deed. They deal largely in the extravagant, and do
+extravagant things in an extravagant way.
+
+I have seen a rusty pioneer, when giving his opinion upon some trite
+matter, garnish his language with imagery and figures, and clothe himself
+with an action, that Demosthenes would have copied, if he had met with such
+in his day. Gestures all graceful, eye all fire, language rough, but
+strong, and an enthusiasm that was magnetic--a kind of unpremeditated
+natural eloquence, that many a one has sought for, but never found.
+
+John Smith was an ingenious Puddlefordian in the way of story-telling. He
+was almost equal to Ike Turtle. John was a great, stalwart, double-breasted
+fellow, who cared for nothing, not even himself; a compound made up of
+dare-devil ferocity, benevolence, and impudence. His feelings, whether of
+the higher or lower order, always ran to excess. He was an importation from
+Massachusetts, of fair education, and, from his recklessness of life, had
+drifted into Puddleford, like many other tempest-tossed vessels, stripped
+of spars and rigging. Smith's fancy and imagination were always at work. He
+had nicknamed two thirds of Puddleford, and there was something
+characteristic in the appellations bestowed. One small-eyed man, he called
+"Pink-Eye;" another, a bustling fellow, who made a very great noise on a
+very small capital, was known as "Bumble-bee;" another, a long-shanked,
+loose-jointed character, was "Giraffe;" Squire Longbow he christened "Old
+Night-Shade." Turtle was known as "Sky-Rocket;" Bates as "Little Coke;" the
+Colonel as "Puff-Ball." Indeed, not one man in twenty was recognized by his
+true name, so completely had Smith invested the people with titles of his
+own manufacture.
+
+I recollect one of Smith's flights of imagination--one among many--for I
+cannot write out all his mental productions.
+
+The Puddlefordians were met, as usual, at Bulliphant's. That was the place,
+we have seen, where all public opinion was created. Turtle, and Longbow,
+and Bates, and the whole roll, even down to Jim Buzzard, were present. The
+progress of the age was the subject.
+
+Turtle thought "there was no cac'latin' what things would come to--steam
+and ingin-rubber were runnin' one etarnal race, and he guess'd they'd lay
+all opposition to the land, and bring on the millennium."
+
+Bates said "the sciences were doin' sunthin', but _they'd_ never make
+anybody better--human natur' was so shockin' wicked, that it would require
+a heap mor'n injin-rubber to _rejuvify_ 'em."
+
+Mr. Longbow requested Bates "to repeat that 'ere last word agin."
+
+Bates said "it was '_rejuvify_'--that is, 'drag out,' 'resurrect.'"
+
+The Squire thanked Bates for his explanation.
+
+The Colonel said there was such a thing as too much science. He professed
+to have lived a scientific life--that is, without work--but all the while
+he found some one a little more scientific, and he had never been able to
+hold his own anywhere. He had been stranded fourteen times in his life,
+owing to a press of science brought against him; but the most destructive
+science in the known world was that for the collection of debts. It
+deprived men of their liberty, their comforts, their property, their
+friends; and the manner in which this was all done was barbarous. He defied
+any man to produce as cool-blooded a thing as an execution at law, which
+was a branch of legal science.
+
+Squire Longbow said--"A _fiery facius_ (_fieri facias_) was one of the most
+ancientest writs which he issued, and there warn't nothin' cool-blooded or
+ramptious about it."
+
+Mr. Smith sat silently up to this point in the debate. "Boys," said he, at
+last, "the world is goin' ahead. Talkin' of science, let me tell you a
+dream I had last night." But, if the reader will permit me, I will give the
+substance of Smith's dream in my own language. It may detract from its
+point, but it will be more connected and intelligible.
+
+"I dreamed, boys," said Smith, "that I was in the great Patent Office, at
+Washington. I looked, and its ceiling was raised to an enormous height,
+while through open doors and passages I saw room after room groaning with
+thousands of models, until it appeared as though I was in a wilderness of
+machinery. Very soon a pert little gentleman, with a quick black eye, and a
+'pussy' body, arrayed in the queerest costume I ever saw, came bustling up
+to me, and asked me for my ticket. I involuntarily thrust my hand into the
+depths of my breeches-pocket, and pulling out a card, delivered it to him.
+After looking at the card, and then at me, and then at the card again, he
+burst out into a loud guffaw, that made the old Patent-Office ring. 'Why,
+sir,' said he, '_this_ is no ticket. It is the business card of one John
+Smith, advertising a patent dog-churn, of which he here says he is the real
+inventor, and it bears date in the year 1840--two hundred years ago! The
+churn may be found in room marked "Inventions of Year 1840," but the man
+John Smith we haven't got. I don't much think he is around above ground,
+just at this time," said the little man, chuckling. 'But,' said I, 'who are
+you, if I am not John Smith? Were you not appointed by Polk, Secretary of
+the Interior, and did I not put a word in his ear favorable to you?' 'Polk,
+a Secretary of the Interior!' exclaimed he; 'I appointed by Polk! Why, my
+dear sir, I was appointed only two years ago--not two hundred!--"Chief of
+the Great Central Department," as the office is now called.'
+
+"While we were talking, Franklin, Adams, Jefferson, and Fulton, walked in
+and took seats. I knew Uncle Ben the moment I cast my eyes upon him. He was
+dressed in good old '76 style;--shoe-buckles, short breeches, queue, and
+all; and that same jolly, round face, and double chin, that tranquil
+countenance just touched, without being destroyed, by comedy--were all
+there. Adams and Jefferson I had before seen, and they were a little more
+modern in dress, but they both looked care-worn. Fulton sat apart, and eyed
+the other three as though he had seen them somewhere, but yet could not
+call them by name.
+
+"The rather unexpected arrival of these gentlemen broke up the comments of
+my bustling interrogator, and one of those pauses occurred which frequently
+do upon the appearance of strangers. Uncle Ben asked Jefferson if he would
+'not like to move up to the fire and warm his feet?' 'Fire!' said I, 'fire.
+Why, Uncle Ben, there is no fireplace now-a-days. Stoves and hot-air
+furnaces are all the go. This building is warmed by a great furnace, and
+two miles of pipe that conducts the heat to every room in it.' 'Not by a
+long way,' said my bustling friend--'not by a long way, Mr. John Smith.
+This trumpery is all piled away among the inventions of the years that
+were. These things belong to the age of your dog-churn. Why, gentlemen,'
+continued he, 'have you never heard of the Great Southern Hot-Air Company,
+chartered in 1960, whose business it is to furnish warm air from the South
+to persons at the North; price to families three dollars a year; all done
+by a gigantic underground tunnel, and branches, worked at the other end by
+an air-pump! Have you never heard of _this_, gentlemen? Here we get the
+natural heat of the South, warmed by the sun; none of your stinking coal
+and wood gases to corrupt and destroy it. And then the principle of
+reciprocity is kept up; for we send back our cold air in the same way; and
+so we keep up an equilibrium, for the South are just as strenuous as ever
+to keep up the equilibrium of the Union. Why, gentlemen, those stoves
+required constant care. As often as every week it was necessary to
+replenish them with wood or coal. No! no!--those improvements belonged to
+the dark ages."
+
+"Bless me!" exclaimed Uncle Ben. "Impossible!" repeated Fulton. "And so you
+don't use the old 'Franklin' stove any more?" said Uncle Ben. "Perhaps," he
+continued, a quiet smile playing over his face, as if he intended a comical
+shot, "perhaps you don't use lightning now-a-days either, and my
+lightning-rods, of course, belong to the dark ages too!"
+
+"We have the lightning, and use it too, but only one rod, built by the
+state, near its centre, which is so colossal and powerful that it protects
+everything around it." And then the little fellow rattled on about the
+_use_ of lightning; how it wrote all over the world the English language,
+until I verily believe that Uncle Ben, Fulton, and all, set him down as the
+most unscrupulous liar that they had ever met with.
+
+"I think," said Uncle Ben, "that I could convince myself of the truth of
+your assertions, if I could go to Boston; but as my time is very limited, I
+cannot."
+
+"Send you there in five minutes by the watch!" answered the little man;
+"or, if that's too soon, in twenty-four hours. It requires powerful lungs
+to go by balloon--time five minutes--departure every half hour. The
+magnetic railway train will take you through in four hours, or on the
+old-fashioned railroad in twenty-four." "What," said Uncle Ben, "is the old
+stage company entirely broken up?" "Don't know what you mean by stages,"
+said the little man, "but I will look for the word in the big dictionary."
+"Go by steamboat," said Fulton. "Steamboat!" repeated the little
+man,--"steamboat! too everlasting slow--not over twenty-five miles an
+hour--well enough for freight, but passengers cannot endure them; they go
+laboring and splashing along at a snail's pace, and they are enough to wear
+out any man's patience. Yet the steamboat was the greatest stride ever made
+at any one time in the way of locomotion, and was very creditable to Fulton
+and the age in which he lived." "That is admitting something," burst out
+Fulton, who had sat like a statue, watching the little man's volubility.
+"But," said Uncle Ben, "all this talk don't get me on my way to Boston.
+That is my birthplace. I was there for the last time in 1763, and you know
+that, according to the provisions of my will, there is more than four
+million pounds sterling of my money which has by this time been disposed of
+by the state somehow." Uncle Ben was always a shrewd fellow in the way of
+dollars and cents, and I could see he was very anxious about that money.
+"Oho! oho!" said the little man; "so you are Ben Franklin, and you are the
+old gentleman who left that legacy. We've got a portrait of you up-stairs,
+more than two hundred years old, and it _does_ look like you. Glad to see
+you! You said something in your life-time about immersing yourself in a
+cask of Madeira wine with a few friends, and coming to the world in a
+hundred years again. These are your friends, I suppose?" "These gentlemen,"
+replied Uncle Ben, "are John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, signers of the
+Declaration of Independence." "The other gentleman," continued I, "is
+Robert Fulton, whom you have spoken of." "Well, I declare!" ejaculated the
+little man, "this _is_ a meeting! But about that legacy, Uncle Ben, of
+yours; two million sterling of it has gone to build the Gutta Percha
+Magnetic Telegraph line, connecting Boston with London and Paris, two of
+the largest cities in the Eastern Republic of Europe." "Gutta
+Percha!--Magnetic telegraph!--_Republic_ of Europe!"--repeated all of them.
+"All built under water, and sustained by buoys," continued the little man,
+"and it works to a charm--plan up-stairs in room 204--and can be seen in a
+moment; and, as I told you before, it writes the English language as fast
+as my deputy." "Republic of Europe!" exclaimed Jefferson, again. "Yes,
+sir," said the little man, "for more than a century. No more thrones; no
+more rulers by divine right; no more governments sustained by powder and
+ball; no lords nor nobles; man is _man_, not merely one of a _class_ of
+men, but _individually_ man, with rights as perfect and powers as great as
+any other man. The principles, Jefferson, of your Declaration, which you
+did not create, but only asserted, have prostrated every arbitrary
+government on the globe. Even the Jews, since their return to Jerusalem,
+have organized a republican form of government, and have just elected Mr.
+Noah President." "Well," thinks I to myself, "that can't be _Mordecia M._
+Noah, anyhow, for politics must have used up his constitution before this."
+But the little man chattered away, and declared that Europe was divided
+into two republics, the Eastern and Western; that Constantinople was the
+capital of the Western; that Africa and Asia were also republican; until
+the three signers of the Declaration, perfectly wrought up to a frenzy of
+joy, rose up from their seats, took off their hats, and swinging them
+round, gave "Three cheers for '76, and the old Army of the
+Revolution!"--and I verily believe Uncle Ben forgot all about that money,
+and about going to Boston, for he did not allude to it any more in my
+presence.
+
+"Great changes these!" continued the little man, "from your days. But you
+must not think, gentlemen, that we have forgotten you or your services,
+while we have improved in wisdom and strength. Look here, gentlemen," and
+he motioned us away, and, leading on, he conducted us to an observatory on
+the top of the building. Such a prospect I never before beheld. Away,
+around, on every side, stretched a mighty city, whose limits the eye could
+not reach. Towers, temples, spires, and masts succeeded towers, temples,
+spires, and masts, until they were lost in the distant haze. Canals
+traversed every street, and boats of merchandise were loading and unloading
+their freights. Steam-carriages were puffing along the roads that ran by
+the canal, some filled with pleasure parties, and some laden with goods.
+Turning my eye to an elevation, I saw fifty-six gigantic monuments, whose
+peaks were nearly lost in the sky, ranged in a line, all alike in form and
+sculpture. "These," said the little man, "were erected to the Signers of
+the Declaration of Independence;" and, taking out his telescope, he handed
+it to Uncle Ben, who read aloud among the inscriptions the names, FRANKLIN,
+JEFFERSON, ADAMS. "But let us know what this city is called?" inquired
+Jefferson. "This, sir, is called _Columbiana_; it lies on the west bank of
+the Mississippi, population five millions, according to the last census."
+"But what supports it?" "Supports it! The great East India trade. That
+vessel down there is direct from Canton, by ship canal across the Isthmus.
+All Europe is secondary to us now. No doubling capes, as was done in
+_your_ day. Yonder stands the Capitol; and the whole North American
+continent is annually represented there. The city of San Francisco alone
+sends forty-four members. There," continued he, pointing his finger, "that
+balloon rising slowly in the sky has just started for that place, and the
+passengers will take their dinner there to-morrow."
+
+Jefferson asked the little man "whether the Federalists or Democrats were
+in power?"--and I saw that Adams waked up when he heard the question.
+"Don't know any such division," replied he. "The great measure of the day,
+upon which parties are divided, is the purchase of the South American
+continent at five hundred millions of dollars. I go for it; and before
+another year the bargain will be consummated. We _must_ have more
+territory--we haven't got half enough. Extent of territory gives a nation
+dignity and importance. The old thirteen states of your day, gentlemen,
+were a mere cabbage patch, and should have been consolidated into one
+state. Ten or twenty days' sail ran you plump into a hostile port, and then
+you had a demand for duty. Besides, conflicting interests always brew up
+difficulties; and then come treaties, and finally war, and then debt, and
+at last oppressive taxation. A nation should own all the territory that
+joins it. The ocean is the only natural boundary for a people." Thinks I,
+"You have been a politician in your day, and I'll just engage you to
+correspond with a certain New York editor, who shall be nameless; you
+strike off the doctrine boldly!"
+
+Uncle Ben told the little man, after he closed, that a nation might "get so
+very ripe as to become a little rotten; and, if he had no objection, he
+would present him with the 'Sayings of Poor Richard.'" And, suiting the
+action to the word, he pushed his hand into his breeches-pocket, and pulled
+out an old almanac, printed at Philadelphia in 1732, and, bowing, handed it
+to him. The little man thanked him, and promised to deposit it in the
+Museum, as a curious piece of antiquity.
+
+"Getting somewhat anxious for a smoke, I drew forth a cigar and
+'loco-foco,' rubbed the latter across my boot, which flashed out its light
+full in Uncle Ben's face. 'That is nice,' exclaimed he; 'rather an
+improvement on the old string, wheel, and tinder plan.' 'Simple, too, isn't
+it?' said I; 'and yet all the science of your day didn't detect it.' Just
+then I gave a puff, which made Uncle Ben sneeze; and he broke out into a
+tirade against tobacco that would read well. But I told him there was no
+use; men had smoked and chewed the weed--would smoke and chew it, economy
+or no economy, health or no health, filth or no filth; and that in all
+probability the last remnant of the great American Republic, for succeeding
+nations to gaze at, would be a plug of tobacco; for I sincerely believed
+that tobacco would outlive the government itself.
+
+"The little man proposed returning into the Patent Office, and exhibiting
+to us in detail the models of art there deposited. But I cannot weary you
+with what I there saw. The fruits of every year, since the organization of
+the department, were divided into rooms, and indicated on the door by an
+inscription. There were thousands of improvements in every branch of
+science, many of which were so simple, that I thought myself a fool that I
+did not discover them long ago. Principles were applied, the very operation
+of which I now recollected to have often seen, yet without a thought of
+their practical utility. I came to the conclusion that accident was the
+parent of more that I saw than design; 'for how,' reasoned I, 'is it
+possible that these pieces of machinery could otherwise have escaped the
+great men who have lived and died in ignorance of them?'
+
+"By this time we were quite fatigued, and Uncle Ben complained a little of
+the 'stone,' which he said he was subject to. The little man gave him some
+'Elixir of Life,' as he called it, being, as he said, 'an extract of the
+nutritious portions of meats and vegetables, purged from their grossness as
+found in their natural state;' and while we were sipping it, he launched
+forth upon its great benefit to mankind; the money saved that used to be
+expended in cookery and transportation--millions upon millions; the great
+economy in time, formerly squandered in eating, &c., &c.; and he wound up
+his eulogy by presenting each of us with a bottle, which I carefully put
+away in my pocket.
+
+"Adams then rose up, and said he must leave, and Jefferson, Uncle Ben, and
+Fulton followed. And in a moment Uncle Ben, Fulton, Adams, Jefferson, the
+little man, the apartments, wheels, and machinery, began to rock, and
+heave, and fade, and finally dissolve; and suddenly I awoke!"
+
+"You _did_ awake!" exclaimed the Colonel, drawing a breath all the way from
+his boots; "I should have thought you would."
+
+Bates gave a yawn, and throwing his quid into the fire, called for a glass
+of whiskey and water, saying he would "try to choke down the story with
+_that_."
+
+Longbow sat perfectly magnetized--his arms folded across his breast, his
+chin dropped, his legs resting on his boot-heels, and pushed out in front
+of him, as though he was driving a hard-bitted horse, and his one eye
+stared vacantly at the coals in the huge fireplace. He gave an unconscious
+grunt when Smith concluded, but made no commentary.
+
+Turtle said "the dream was very remarkable for such a man as Smith; but he
+guessed he _had_ it, and he was going to believe it, because it was upon
+the word of a Puddlefordian. But he'd had one that beat it all
+holler--s'prisin' dream--like them air visions that somebody unriddled
+for--he couldn't recollect the name of the man now--no matter, the dream's
+the same.
+
+"I got up one morning," said Ike, "and went down to my breakfast-table, but
+there warn't one of my family present. I saw seated around it, however, a
+strange company of folks, and dressed as no mortals ever were before, since
+the flood, I _reckon_. There warn't nothin' that ever I seed before on any
+on 'em. I took my place at the head of the board, and attempted to do the
+carvin'; but there warn't nobody that understood my meanin'. Pork warn't
+pork any more; and when I tried to pass pork, I found that it had a
+kind-er' fancy name, which I have now forgot.
+
+"One great goggle-eyed fellow, who sat at my right hand, informed a lady
+near him 'that he'd got-ter go over to Agoria before dinner, and get his
+sun-dial fixed; but his wings were down at the shop being fixed, and he
+couldn't start this hour yet."
+
+"'Agoria! Where's that?' asked I.
+
+"'Don't know where Agoria is--ha, ha! On the River Amazon, a trip of a
+couple of thousand of miles.' And so he took out a little eye-glass, and
+looked at me for a long time, and, putting it back in his pocket, said 'he
+thought I was a North Pole-ander, or a ghost; he didn't know which.
+
+"'Dear me! you _will_ be keerful, now won't you?' said the lady. Two
+hundred collisions in the air last night, among the winged men; almost as
+many the night afore--awful!'
+
+"The goggle-eyed man said he would.
+
+"'Did you hear President Jones lecter last night,' said a spectacled
+critter, at the upper end of the table, sticking his fore-finger out to me.
+
+"'No, sir-_ee_!' I hollered back to him, as I was some little frustrated by
+this time.
+
+"'He showed,' said the man, 'that one Tom Jefferson prob'bly _did_ write
+the Declaration of Independence that the ancients made.'
+
+"'You don't say so, though, do you?' said I. 'You're a bright set of chaps
+the whole on you, President Jones and all.'
+
+"There was a mighty deal said about the Persian war with America; what
+somebody said who came from Africa last night--what this man and that man
+done in Congress; but getting out of patience at last, I jumped up, and
+left the whole on 'em; and as I passed out of the room, told 'em 'they
+might all go to grass.'
+
+"As I left the house, I saw an almanac hanging on the wall for the year
+2564. The first thought, when I saw this, was, '_Where, in the name of
+Andrew Jackson, is Puddleford now?_'
+
+"But what was my surprise, when I got inter the street, which was all laid
+with slabs of granite, and lined with palaces, to find Squire Longbow
+walking along with his wings folded on his back, looking as nat'ral as the
+old fogy himself.
+
+"'Squire,' said I, 'here's _to_ you!'
+
+"The Squire said 'he hadn't the honor of my 'quaintance.'
+
+"'O, you old scoundrel!' said I, 'you can't come that--'"
+
+"That's false!" exclaimed Longbow; "I didn't have no such talk."
+
+"It was _only_ a _dream_--you forget," answered Ike.
+
+"Exactly," replied the Squire, relapsing into his former mood.
+
+"'You can't come that, old man,' I repeated; 'I could tell you in the
+streets of Jerusalem in the night; what are you about, old feller? You look
+fat and pussy.'
+
+"The Squire said 'he was Judge of the Continental Supreme Court.'
+
+"'So I should think,' said I; 'I just left a dozen asses at my breakfast
+table, and you're just the man for all the world to be their judge.'
+
+"That's a contempt!" exclaimed the Squire, jumping from his chair.
+
+"Nothin' but a dream, and they allers go by contraries," answered Ike.
+
+"So they do,' said the Squire, calmly, sitting down again.
+
+"Where's Bates, and the Colonel, and Bulliphant, and the other
+Puddlefordians?' inquired I.
+
+"'Bates,' said the Squire, 'burst a blood-vessel several hundred years ago,
+running down a southern kidnapper, and died quick-ern a flash. He didn't
+leave nothing scasely for his family, 'cause he spent all his time on
+public affairs. The Colonel left the country with the sheriff at his heels;
+and he rather thought he was somewhere about the streets now, as he saw a
+feller t'other day 'fore the court, for debt, that looked jest like him.
+Bulliphant went off in spontaneous combustion--in a kind of blue fire, and
+the old woman fretted herself out, a couple of years arter; but,' said the
+Squire, 'I can't be detained. Story's waitin' for me on the bench, and we
+decide the title to a million of acres of land, at ten this morning.'
+
+"This _woke me_. _Story_ and the _decision_ by _Longbow_, knocked my dream
+out-er sight."
+
+Bates pulled off his boots, and handing them to Ike, informed him that they
+were his, by the custom of Puddlefordians, and the meeting adjourned.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII.
+
+     Ike Turtle in his Office.--The Author consults him on Point
+     of Law.--Taxes of Non-Residents.--Law in Puddleford.--Mr.
+     Bridget's Case.--Legal Discussion.--The Case settled.
+
+
+We very often get an idea of a community by fathoming its leading men. We
+stick our stakes at that point, and reason, by comparison, downward; not
+that prominent individuals make the community, any more than the community
+makes them; but both act and react upon each other, until a standard is
+formed--and that standard is just high enough for the occasion--the
+necessities of the present. Water never rises above its level.
+
+You have, respected reader, already seen much--perhaps too much--of Ike
+Turtle. You must recollect, however, as I have before declared, that he was
+an embodiment of the spirit of his time. He was the presiding genius of
+Puddleford, and had been as much moulded by it as he had moulded
+Puddleford.
+
+Turtle, as we have seen, was a host in law--that is, he was a host in
+Puddleford law. He was just as useful and mighty in his sphere as Webster
+ever was in his. It must in candor be admitted that there was a difference
+in spheres; but that in no way affects the principle--and principle is what
+we are contending for.
+
+I have thus far exhibited to you Turtle under excitement, as an advocate in
+the case of Filkins _vs._ Beadle, defending his country against what he
+called an "abolition lecter," struggling in the cause of education; but we
+cannot always probe a great man to the bottom, and disinter the latent
+jewels of mind, unless we know and observe him unruffled by passion, and
+unswayed by feeling. The line and lead must be cast into still waters to
+sound the depths of the ocean.
+
+I had occasion to consult Turtle on a point of law. The question was,
+whether a certain woman who claimed dower in my land could probably show a
+state of facts that would legally entitle her to recover.
+
+Mr. Turtle's office was in one of the upper rooms of a tumble-down tailor's
+shop in the village. Outside his sign swung to and fro: "I. Turtle, 'Torney
+in all Courts." Inside, it was garnished with three chairs without backs, a
+pine table, whittled into pieces by the loungers, a number of loose papers
+lying in an old flour-barrel, an ink-bottle with a yellow string around its
+nose, a copy of the statutes, a stub of a pen, volume two of Blackstone,
+and no law-book beside, all of which were enveloped in dirt and cobwebs.
+Mr. Turtle himself, when I entered, sat in one chair, his two feet
+stretched wide apart, each in another, like the two extremities of a letter
+A; and Ike himself was very philosophically smoking a pipe, and blowing the
+whiffs out of the window.
+
+"Is this Mr. Turtle's office?" inquired I.
+
+"I should _ray_ther think it was," answered Ike, drawing out his pipe, and
+pointing to a chair.
+
+"I have a little business," said I.
+
+"Most people _do_ have," said he. "I'm chuck full on't myself."
+
+"Suppose," said I, "a man dies, and leaves a widow, and that widow should
+claim--"
+
+"Hold on, right there!" exclaimed Ike, laying down his pipe. "Hold on, old
+_fel_low; this s'posin' don't do in this 'ere office. I never gives
+opinions on fancy cases. Time's little too precious. I want the raal facts
+on the matter, jest as they happened; and, besides, Mr. ----, fust thing I
+know I shall give an opinion right butt agin one of my clients--(I have
+reg'lar clients, you see, that I've got ter stand up for, if it busts
+me),--and this wheelin' round and taking a back track spiles one's
+reputation, and tears his conscience, awful to behold!"
+
+"Well," I continued, "as I was goin' to say--"
+
+"No, sir-ee! you _ain't_ goin' to say. _Who_ died? _who's_ the widow? Them
+are the startin' pints in a new country."
+
+"But," continued I, "that will not affect the principle."
+
+"Won't it, though?" answered Ike. "What are principles to folks in a new
+country? What are residents to non-residents? Why, you take a resident
+widow, a little good-lookin', and she can hold all the land she claims agin
+a non-resident. Juries have feelin's, and are human like other people."
+
+"O, I see!" said I.
+
+"Jest so," said he.
+
+"Well, then," I continued, "the widow is a resident of Puddleford, and so
+am I; and the widow claims a life interest in one third of my land."
+
+Ike pondered, and rubbed his head, and looked for a long time steadily at
+the toes of his boots. At last a thought struck him.
+
+"Has she any children?" inquired he.
+
+"She has."
+
+"Young?"
+
+"Twelve and fourteen."
+
+"Bad age for you," said Ike; "worse than two positive witnesses swearin'
+straight inter yer favor."
+
+"But what have children to do with a principle of law?" I exclaimed,
+somewhat animated.
+
+"_You're_ green," exclaimed Ike; "you'll sprout if you get catched in a
+shower. What has law got ter do with a widder and two children out here?
+Don't you know the widder and the two children will be put right straight
+to the jury, and that they'll swamp you and your case, and all the la' you
+can bring agin 'em?"
+
+"Very likely," said I; "but is Puddleford law all made for widows, babies,
+and residents?" inquired I.
+
+"You see," continued Ike; "you hain't lived long here. A new country is a
+kind of self-sustainin' machine. We've all got-ter go in for ourselves.
+When folks take the brunt of settlin' wild land, somebody's got-ter and
+ought-ter suffer. Non-residents have ter pay all taxes. They have to pay
+onto the value, and onto our takin' care of their lands. We can't afford to
+scare off the animals and bring their property into market for nothin'.
+Why, old Sykes, who lives away down to the east'ard, pays half the taxes of
+Puddleford, and don't own more than four sections of land. The 'sessors
+kind-er look at the spirit of the law when they lay taxes, and the spirit
+of our tax-law stretches 'cordin' to circumstances. India-rubber ain't
+nothin' to it. Jest so in la' matters. The la' is favorable to
+Puddlefordians; our courts lean that way--it's kind-er second nater to
+'em--a kind-er law of self-preservation--primary law of natur', you know--a
+duty; and therefore I was particular to know who the _person_ was who
+claimed your land."
+
+"Mine's a case," said I, after Ike concluded his digression, "of Puddleford
+against Puddleford."
+
+"Puddleford against itself, both residents--a woman and two children
+against a man?"
+
+"That's the case," said I.
+
+"Well!" said Ike.
+
+"The widow claims a life interest, and yet she signed the deed with her
+husband."
+
+"_Did_ sign it?" inquired Ike again. "What is she growlin' about, then?"
+
+"She claims she was deranged."
+
+"And didn't know nothin', ha?"
+
+"And she says she can prove it."
+
+"That is, Sile Bates can for her, I s'pose."
+
+Squire Longbow dropped in at this point of the conversation. Ike arose,
+walked several times swiftly across the floor, turning each time with a
+jerk, and finally wheeling up in front of me, said his fee for opinions was
+one dollar.
+
+The fee was paid.
+
+"Now," exclaimed Ike, pushing his fee in his vest pocket, "who's the
+woman?"
+
+"Old Mrs. Bridget," said I.
+
+"There are just half a dozen defences," exclaimed Ike; "and each one will
+blow the case sky-high. Nobody can't set up insanity in a new country,
+because there ain't nothin' here to make anybody insane; and if there was,
+our judges and juries think a leetle too much of themselves, thick as the
+bushes are, to 'low a Puddlefordian to prove herself a fool in open court.
+There is a pride that won't permit it. Yes, _sir_!" Here Ike slapped the
+table hard by way of emphasis. "Ain't that la', Squire Longbow?" continued
+Ike, turning round to the Squire, who was almost magnetized by intense
+thought.
+
+The Squire gave two or three ahems to clear his throat, and his voice
+seemed a long time on its way. "That," said the Squire, "is just what the
+'mortal Story said; he never would permit a man to make a fool of himself;
+he went agin all such kind-er things. The 'mortal Story said, if a man
+don't know nothin', he oughten-ter say nothin', or do nothin'. He very
+specially said it warn't a safe rule to let crazy folks rip up things,
+'cause how do we know, or anybody know, but they are jist as crazy when
+they rip 'em up, and then they'll have to be ripped over agin; that's the
+'thority, sir--page--let me see--but no matter 'bout pages--"
+
+"And, secondly," continued Ike, breaking into the Squire, "it's a rule of
+law that everybody's stopped by their deed; and if the woman knowed enough
+to sign and seal it, that 'ere seal is an everlasting and eternal bar to
+provin' anything agin it. _That'll_ stop a crazy woman; that's laid down in
+all the books since King Richard got possession of England, and the
+staterts are full on it, too."
+
+The Squire said "that looked reasonable. How do we know that Andrew Jackson
+warn't crazy when he signed off the patents for Puddleford. That's an open
+question yet. And if it warn't for the broad seal--if it warn't for that
+'ere spread eagle--some whig President (and the whigs allers did say 'Old
+Hickory' was crazy) would set it all aside, and throw all the land titles
+into hotch-potch, kick me out-er house and home, and ruin all Puddleford!"
+
+"Certainly," said I.
+
+"And agin," said Ike, "the woman _warn't_ crazy; _I_ can prove that."
+
+"That will _do_," said I. "How?"
+
+"When was the deed executed?"
+
+I stated.
+
+"That's jest the time," said Ike, "that old covy, her brother-in-law, used
+her as a witness to recover his farm."
+
+The Squire said that "the woman was under _oath_ then, and she might tell
+the truth, if she _was_ a little shattered."
+
+"Th-u-n-der!" exclaimed Ike.
+
+"Witnesses are _sworn_ to tell the truth," said the Squire.
+
+The Squire was evidently getting quizzical. Mr. Turtle begged "he would not
+interrupt him agin. The case was one of great importance, and it required a
+power of thought and research to look inter it.
+
+"And now," continued Ike, "there are three more p'ints of la' in your case.
+You've got the fee of this 'ere land--that is, you've got a deed, and got
+inter possession; that makes a fee. And as to that, the deed don't matter
+so much; possession out here is jest as good. I never see a sheriff who
+could get a man off. 'Tain't pop'lar--won't pay--it costs votes--men don't
+vote for officers who push 'em; possession is _more'n_ nine p'ints of the
+la' in Puddleford; it's ninety-nine--it's 'most as good as a patent."
+
+"But that would be a resistance of process, if the widow succeeded," said
+I.
+
+"There won't be nothin' to resist," answered Ike. "_You'll_ never feel the
+process; it will always be defective--there'll be a flaw in it somewhere.
+Settlers on the sile must be protected."
+
+"That," chimed in the Squire, "_is_ la'. That was settled in the
+constitution. There was blood shed for that."
+
+"But there ain't no use," continued Ike, "in goin' into particulars, and
+puttin' down every p'int of la'. I can scatter a thousand such cases to the
+four winds--have done it--can do it agin. Give me Kent and the staterts,
+and I'll cut my way to daylight in no time."
+
+If there is any one who believes that such an opinion was not given for one
+dollar, or that hundreds have not been given in the very far West just as
+absurd, let them inquire further of those persons who have experienced a
+frontier life. Yet, Mr. Turtle lives and flourishes, gains reputation, and
+will die as much respected and lamented as any one.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII.
+
+     The Wilderness around Puddleford.--The Rivers and the
+     Forests--Suggestions of Old Times.--Footprints of the
+     Jesuits.--Vine-covered Mounds.--Visit to the Forest.--The
+     Early Frost.--The Forest Clock.--The Woodland Harvest.--The
+     Last Flowers.--Nature sowing her Seed.--The Squirrel in the
+     Hickory.--Pigeons, their Ways and their Haunts.--The
+     Butterflies and the Bullfrog.--Nature and her Sermons.--Her
+     Temple still open, but the High-priest gone.
+
+
+Puddleford was a mere spot in the wilderness. Its region abounded with
+patches of improved land, and patches partly improved, and fields of stumps
+that the pioneer had just passed over with his axe. The great sweep of land
+around it, however, was a wilderness--not a thicket--not a dense mass of
+timber, nor a swamp--but a rolling plain of upland prairie, and
+heavily-wooded flats along the rivers; and it extended no one knew where,
+and was covered with lakes and rivers that shone, and roared, and babbled,
+day and night, through the great solitude. The surface of the upland was as
+smooth and shaven as an English park. No undergrowth obstructed the eye,
+and the outline of a deer might be discerned two miles distant. Trees upon
+the distant ground-swells, amid their quivering shadows, appeared to be
+riding upon waves. In this gigantic park, which overreached degrees of
+longitude, flowers of every form and hue budded, blossomed, faded, and
+died, from May until November. The prairies were so many blooming seas; and
+when the soft south-west stirred up their depths, they shed a gorgeous
+light, as if they were breathing out rainbow colors.
+
+The rivers that watered this waste were large, and flowed from still deeper
+solitudes towards the great lakes. The sun, as ancient as they, rose and
+set upon them now as it did centuries ago. The forests upon their banks
+sprang up, flourished, waxed old, and died; and still the river ran, and
+new forests rose upon the ruins of the old, and the glory of the new stood
+implanted in the grave of the old. The bison, moose, and bear drank from
+the sources of these rivers, driven upward by the noise of civilization.
+But they had an interest to me beyond all this: they were the inlets to
+Christian missionaries more than a century ago. It was up these streams
+that the French Jesuit,[C] with his eye aloft, and the cross erect, paddled
+his solitary canoe among the aborigines. Here he built his camp-fire
+beneath the stars, and told his rosary in the awful presence of his
+God--how awful, indeed, in such a spot, at such a time! We can almost see
+the venerable man, and hear the dip of his oar; the water-fowl scream,
+scared, and dive along before him, and the Indian stands upon the bank in
+his presence, like a monument in wonder.
+
+The footprints of the Jesuits are still found upon the bluffs of these
+rivers. Mounds, which were thrown by them into square and circular forms,
+now roofless and silent, and matted all over with vines, still bear
+witness to their devotion. Yet how little is thought of them now! Because
+the Jesuits did not till the earth, and sow, and reap, and swell the
+commerce of the world: but didn't they sow? They sowed the seeds of
+everlasting life among the simple children of the forest; and _they_ have
+sown from age to age since, and many an Indian still offers the prayer
+which was taught his forefathers so long ago.
+
+Such, reader, were the woods around Puddleford, and such the associations.
+I was in the habit of going down into their depths, and scraping
+acquaintance with the inhabitants. It was a relief to me. I sometimes even
+went so far as to set myself up as a sportsman. I made a special visit,
+just after the first frost, for the purpose of spying out the game. The
+morning was still and bright, and the dash of a distant rivulet, which I
+could step across, filled the "long drawn aisles" with its echoes. I had
+been down often during the summer, but every object looked strangely
+different now. The first frost had given Nature a shock--a kind of palsy;
+she looked serene, almost sad. Its inmates had gadded about during the
+summer in a very reckless way; they looked more sober after the first
+frost--more thoughtful--more anxious about something.
+
+It was late in September, and yet "the storms of the wild Equinox, with all
+its wet," had not come. It was due and over-due. Amid the more hardy
+foliage the first frost had drawn his brush in the most delicate way
+possible--a mere tinge, and no more--a kind of autumnal hint. There was one
+limb of an oak just changing, and the balance of the tree stood up as
+bravely and defiant as ever; the soft maple was completely dipped--it
+blazed; the aspen trembled and glowed; the hickory was only touched, and
+still hesitated about her full suit of yellow; while the dog-wood and spice
+bush had entirely given up the ghost.
+
+It was just after the first frost, so I went down to the banks of the
+rivulet that had so long been singing its woodland psalm. It came from away
+off somewhere, and strayed, and dove over precipices, and spread into
+miniature lakes; but, where I stood, it tumbled through a gorge with green,
+sloping banks. As I gazed, the sun waxed higher and warmer. Day wore its
+way up the gorge, and literally struck a sisterhood of frosted sumachs, and
+they turned blood-red; I thought I saw them shift their summer dress.
+
+Near by, a vine circled a tree, and swung out from its top. I had noticed
+it many times before during the season. It was then hung with large-mouthed
+flowers, which opened with the morning. Was it a summer chime of bells that
+tolled the sunlight into the temple?--the forest clock, that opened and
+shut the hours? The bells were broken now; the first frost had cracked
+them. I saw a bird, dressed in blue, run up the vine, and hitch along in a
+very deliberate way, and peer into this bell and into that, as if he
+wondered why they did not spread; but this might have been an odd fancy of
+mine.
+
+The first frost seemed to have passed through the tree-tops that rolled
+over the gorge in a hurry. The prominent points of the foliage were tufted
+with russet, but its hollows and dells were as green as ever.
+
+The woodland harvest was nigh--the Creator's own harvest, sown and reaped
+without the aid of man. The pawpaw began to shed its fruit; mandrakes stood
+up all over the forest, like umbrellas loaded with apples of gold; the
+wild cucumber was bending under its own weight; the bark of the hickory and
+beech nut was broken, and the fruit peeped out; acorns were loosening in
+their cups; the grape was purple and fragrant, and ready to gush with
+richness; and away down below me I noticed a crabbed, sour-looking plum
+tree, holding on to the hill-side with all its energy, and covered with its
+rosy-cheeked children.
+
+A few flowers yet lingered on the upland, breathing their last. The pink,
+violet, lupine, and a thousand nameless ones, had shed and buried their
+seeds long before; but the flaming, cardinal-fringed gentian, the yellow
+moccasin, and troops of lilies, still crowded the swales and watercourses,
+braving out the first frost. Insects were singing a melancholy dirge around
+me; a bee droned past in great haste, with a consequential hum; the year
+was passing and dying, like a vibration over the earth.
+
+The air was filled with winged seeds, sailing away off here and away off
+there, and going I do not know where. The wild cotton burst its pod, and
+furred out at a great rate; a large company of thistle balloons rolled up
+lazily into the sky, and went out of sight (to the stars, probably),
+directed by some invisible hand to the place of their destination. Birds
+were picking and carrying clusters of grapes and s'coke far and wide. How
+beautifully Nature sows her solemn wastes! The winds and the birds are her
+husbandmen, and the work goes on with a song.
+
+There was a bustle in a hickory--a black squirrel was flirting about, and
+making an examination of the crop. He had come early into the
+harvest-field. He ran up and down the branches, nipped the nuts, jumped
+upon his haunches, thought a while, chattered to himself, and said--or I
+thought he said--"Little too soon"--"Little too soon"--"Come again"--"Come
+again." At a distance, a male partridge, with his tail curved like a fan,
+and his feathers erect, was blustering and strutting around with great
+pomp, as consequential as a Broadway fop--a rabbit, crouched in a heap, sat
+off timidly under an upturned root, eating a pawpaw--a lonely snipe came
+tetering up the rivulet--a robin lit upon a scoke-bush, picked a berry or
+two, whistled, took a kind of last look, and departed; a little bird, as
+rich as sunset, next startled me with a stream of fire, which he wove
+through the green foliage, as if he were tying it up with a blazing cord; a
+sanctimonious crow floated in circles in the air, and screamed very
+savagely to things below him, like a preacher in a passion; and I heard
+turkeys clucking and calling to each other in every direction.
+
+Suddenly, a flock of pigeons broke the few bars of light that were
+struggling down, and wheeled to a dry limb, at a respectful distance; they
+ranged themselves in rows like platoons of soldiers, and bowed forwards and
+sideways, in a very polite, diplomatic way. A few words passed between
+them--(pigeons don't talk much)--exchanging, no doubt, opinions of me and
+my whereabouts. By and by, one spread his wings and fluttered to the
+ground, and began feeding--then another, and another, until the whole flock
+descended, except three sentinels, who remained posted to watch and guard.
+I knew them well. There was a "roost" in a tamarack swamp, some miles
+distant. Not long before, I had visited their noisy metropolis. It was at
+the close of day, and its evergreen canopy was half-dipped in light. I
+recollected what hosts came thronging in, on all sides, roaring like a
+tempest, and how they piled themselves upon the top of each other upon the
+boughs like swarming bees--and how all night the trees bent and cracked
+with the crowded population, who seemed continually treading upon each
+other's toes, and tumbling each other's beds--and how, when the day dawned,
+they all dissolved, and winged their way to the plains, and the troubled
+city was as silent as fallen Babylon.
+
+I like the pigeon. He has a business-way, and a way of minding his own
+business. He is always doing something. Who ever saw a pigeon trifle or
+frolic, or put on airs? He is the clipper of the skies' air-line. Eight
+hundred miles a day, few stoppages, and no bursting of boilers. He is a
+practical bird--no such dreamy, twilight sort of a thing as the
+whippoorwill, who is forever complaining about nothing, like a miserable
+rhymester--whir--whir--whir. "Ah! you are going. Pay my respects to the
+alligators among the rice swamps of Florida," said I, "when you see them
+next winter."
+
+The pigeons were started by the bay of hounds. By their voice, the hounds
+had probably been on the chase during most of the night--(it was a weary
+voice and almost painful)--and I soon discovered that they were
+approaching. Soon a drove of deer, led forward by a noble buck, carrying
+antlers like tree-branches, came crashing by, leaped the ravine, and were
+soon followed by their pursuers, and I watched them afar over the plain
+until they were lost. I knew the dogs. They belonged to Venison Styles. But
+where was Venison? I could see the old hunter, in my imagination, standing
+away off on some "run-way," listening to the strife around him, and
+watching for his victims.
+
+Perhaps you know, and perhaps you _don't_ know, reader, that deer, at
+certain seasons of the year, have "run-ways"--that they have great
+_high_ways--thoroughfares that follow mountains, thread morasses, cross
+lakes and streams, up and down which they travel. I cannot say who first
+laid them out. It may be they can tell. If I ever find out, I will let you
+know.
+
+I was next overhauled by a fleet of white butterflies, who came winding
+down the brook in a very loitering sort of a way. They anchored in front of
+me, near the water's edge, and amused themselves by opening and shutting
+their huge sails--huge for butterflies. Their wings were all bedropped with
+gold, and powdered with silver dust. Then another fleet, arrayed in
+chocolate velvet, came up the stream. They were large and showy. _Their_
+chocolate wings were ribbed with lines of blue and green; and a few plain,
+yellow plebeians followed on after, train-bearers, probably, to their
+lordly superiors. What brush touched those rich and delicate wings? What
+alchemist wrought those magical colors? Who put on those gorgeous uniforms?
+Were they equipped for the beauty and glory of the world, or their own? For
+what purpose was this winged mystery sent upon the earth? Just here a large
+frog, who had been sitting on a stone near the water, wrapped up to his
+eyes in his green surtout, looking as taciturn and gloomy as the Pope, went
+down with a "jug-a-ro," and spoiled my reflections.
+
+It was just after the first frost, and the wasps were hard at work,
+preparing, or repairing their mansions for winter. The mason-wasp, as he is
+called, was digging up the mud, which he carried to a hollow log, where he
+lived. He was "plastering up a little." The "paper-wasp" was gathering wild
+cotton and flax, and manufacturing it, for his palace that hung, half
+furnished, swinging in a tree like a top. Strange that man should have so
+long remained without the secret of making paper--when the wasp had made
+and hung it up high before his eyes, for so many thousand years!
+
+Thus, reader, the great wilderness was alive--and away down the chain of
+animated being, beyond the reach of the eye or ear, there was life--busy
+life--all links in a great chain held and electrified by the hand of the
+Almighty.
+
+What sermons there were all around me--Nature preaching through her works!
+What cathedral like this, with its living pillars--its dome of sun, and
+moon, and stars? Morn swings back its portals with light and song, and
+evening gently closes them again amid her deepening shadows--and the
+worship and work goes on like the swell of an anthem; but the great
+high-priest that worshipped at its altars, and burnt incense to the spirit
+that pervades this solitude, where is he? Where are his fires now? The
+temple still stands, and the anthem is still heard, but the worshippers are
+gone "Lo! the poor Indian."
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[C] Father Hennepin and others.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX.
+
+     The Old New England Home.--The Sheltered Village.--The
+     Ancient Buildings.--Dormer Windows.--An Old Puritanical
+     Home.--The Old Puritan Church.--The Burying-Ground.--Deacon
+     Smith, his Habits and his Helpers.--Major Simeon Giles, his
+     Mansion and his Ancestry.--Old Doctor Styles.--Crapo
+     Jackson, the Sexton.--"Training Days."--Militia
+     Dignitaries.--Major Boles.--Major General
+     Peabody.--Preparations and Achievements.--Demolition of an
+     Apple Cart.--"Shoulder Arms!"--Colonel Asher Peabody.--The
+     Boys, and their World.--My Last Look at my Native Village.
+
+
+Reader, there are mental pictures in the wilderness, as vivid as any in
+nature. They are the pictures of the past. They haunt the pioneer by day
+and by night. They go with him over the fields--sit down with him by the
+streams--linger around his evening hearth, and rise up in his dreams.
+
+I was born in New England. The village was very old, and had received and
+discharged generations of men. Some two centuries ago, a troop of
+iron-sided old pilgrims, full of theology and man's rights, an offshoot of
+a larger body, with their pastor at their head, founded the place, and gave
+it tone and direction.
+
+This village is very beautiful now. It stands sheltered between two
+mountains that cast their morning and evening shadows over it. A long
+stretch of meadow land lies between, through which a river, fringed with
+willows, lazily lingers and twists in elbows and half circles. The
+mountains sometimes look down very grim at the valley, and in places have
+advanced almost across it. There are a great many profiles detected by the
+imagination in their outline. Cotton Mather's face has been discovered in
+one huge rock--and the old fellow's head seems to withstand the storms of
+nature about as successfully as it did the storms of life. The "Devil's
+Pulpit"--a group of splintered shafts of Gothic appearance--is near by, and
+superstitious persons used to think that during every thunder-storm his
+majesty entered it, arrayed in garments of fire, and gave the Puritan a
+sound lecture.
+
+There are all kinds of buildings in this village. These buildings mark the
+age in which they were erected, and are the real monuments of their
+founders. They are as they were. They have not been marred or profaned by
+modern notions. Some are very eccentric piles, hoary with age, full of
+angles and sharp corners; and some are painfully plain and severe. They all
+have a face, a cast of countenance, an expression--they almost talk the
+English of a hundred and fifty years ago. The row of dormer windows on the
+roof are to me great eyes that frown down upon the frivolity and
+thoughtlessness of the present--and those eyes are full of theology and
+civil rights. They look as though they were watching a Quaker, or reading
+the Stamp Act. The very souls of their architects are transferred to them.
+I never enter one, even in these fearless times, without feeling nervous
+and sober, half expecting to run afoul of its original proprietor, with
+some interrogatory about my business, and the wickedness of his
+descendants.
+
+There used to stand--there is still standing--one of these queer piles upon
+a bluff overlooking the river. It was built of stone, and is very much
+moss-grown. It fairly looks daggers at the ambitious little structures that
+have sprouted up by its side. It is a heap of Puritanical thoughts--visible
+thoughts--all hardened into wood and rock. There it has stood, frowning and
+frowning, for a century and a half. It is full of great massive timbers and
+stones, and is as stout as the heart of its founder. A weather-cock is
+attached to one of the chimneys--a sheet-iron angel, lying on his breast,
+and blowing a trumpet, and the wind shifts him round and round over
+different parts of the village. This angel has blown away thousands of men;
+but there he lies, his cheeks puffed, blowing yet, as fresh and healthy as
+ever.
+
+The internal arrangement of this building is characteristic. A dark, gloomy
+hall--an enormous fireplace, extending across the whole end of a room--a
+quaint pair of andirons, which run up very high and prim, and turn back
+like a hook, with a dog's head growling on each tip. There are strange
+pictures on the walls, which have been preserved in memory of the
+past--Moses leading the Children of Israel through the Wilderness--Samson
+slaying the Lion--David cutting off the head of Goliath--stern shadows of
+the men who used to study them--not very remarkable works of art, but vivid
+outlines of the scenes themselves.
+
+This house has been occupied by an illustrious line of men, distinguished
+as divines, lawyers, and reformers; and it seems to glow with the fires
+they kindled in it--in fact, I believe it is inhabited by them yet. I
+believe that Parson ----, who lived under its roof for more than half a
+century, and preached during that time in the church near by, occasionally
+mounts his low-crowned, broad-brimmed hat, round-cornered coat, short
+breeches, knee-buckles, and heavy shoes, ties on his white neckcloth, and
+takes his cane, and, in a spiritual way, wanders back to his mansion, sits
+down again before the capacious fireplace, and meditates an hour or two as
+he used to do in life. He is one of those who keep the house company and
+give to it its sober air of determination and defiance.
+
+The old Puritan church stands near by. Time has thrown a mantle of moss
+over it. When erected, it was shingled from foundation to steeple--and a
+quaint little pepper-box steeple it was. Square, high, solemn-looking pews
+may be yet seen inside. The pulpit is perched away up under the eaves, like
+a swallow's nest. It is reached by a flight of steps almost as long as
+Jacob's ladder. It is covered with names, inscriptions written by men and
+women who were dust long ago. It looks like the place where "Old Hundred"
+was born, lived, and died--sombre, earnest, immovable.
+
+A burying-ground, ancient as the church, closes in on its three sides, and
+partly encircles it in its arms. There is preaching there yet. The dust of
+the living and dead congregations are one:
+
+    "Part of the host have crossed the flood,
+       And part are crossing now."
+
+Rough tombstones--mere ragged slugs, torn from some quarry--rounded and
+smoothed a little by a pious hand--stand half buried in the earth, pointing
+to the silent sleeper below. And then there are marble slabs, of a more
+modern date--yet very old--leaning this way and that, and nodding at each
+other. Preachers and congregations lie side by side, and it is one eternal
+Sabbath now. There are quaint pictures, and holy pictures, and horrible
+pictures chiselled out on these slabs. Skeleton Death, triumphantly
+marching with his scythe! Skulls, angels--and occasionally a figure that
+looks like his Satanic Majesty! Epitaphs full of theology, wit, and
+practical wisdom, are strewn around with an unsparing hand.
+
+There are a few genuine specimens of the Puritan stock lingering in this
+village--great boulders that lie around in society, like granite blocks on
+the earth, dropped by Time in his flight, and overlooked or forgotten.
+Deacon Smith is one of them. He and his father, and his father's father,
+were born and lived in the house he now occupies. He has almost reached
+fourscore and ten years. He wears the costume of 'seventy-six, inside and
+out. His habits are as uniform and regular as the swing of the pendulum. He
+retires at nine, rises at four, breakfasts at six, and dines at twelve; and
+this is done to a fraction--no allowance is made for circumstances--what
+are circumstances in the way of one of his rules? He marches to bed at the
+time, and would, if he left the President of the Republic behind him--he
+sits down to his table at the time, whether there is a dish on it or not.
+Law is law with him.
+
+The Deacon hates royalty and the British--he never overlooked the blood
+they shed in the Revolution. He seldom speaks to an Englishman. He hates
+interlopers, innovations, modern improvements; and I recollect well how he
+poured out his vials of wrath upon the first buggy wagon that he saw. He
+said it was a "very nice thing to sleep in." He left the church for some
+months when stoves were first put up, and declared that it was "as great a
+sacrilege as was ever committed, and enough to overthrow the piety of a
+saint. Religion would keep a man warm anywhere." He says he "thinks the
+Puritan blood is running down into slops! folks are rushing headlong to
+perdition! that there hasn't been a man in the village for twenty years who
+ought to be intrusted with himself"--and it seems to him that the world is
+winding up business.
+
+When the Deacon rises, he goes around his house, hawking, spitting,
+slamming doors, tumbling down wood, just to cast a slur on the lazy habits
+of modern days. Sometimes he tramps up and down the village, two hours
+before day, a-hemming, hawing, and sneezing, for the purpose of letting the
+sluggards understand he is stirring. He has been known, on more than one
+occasion, to give vent to his feelings, at this early hour, by blowing the
+family dinner-horn, and declaring, as the blast echoed away, "that no
+Christian man could sleep, after such a call."
+
+The Deacon has a few helpers about him, who think as he thinks--but they
+are very few. When they meet, the world takes a most inhuman raking--they
+spare neither "age, sex, nor condition."
+
+But the leading business men of the village are of a different stamp--not
+Puritans, but Puritanical--the same rock with the corners knocked off--of
+less strength, but more polish. They reverence their fathers, keep the
+religious and political altar they have raised burning, but are not so
+regardless of temporal comforts; in a word, they are Yankees.
+
+Major Simeon Giles is a specimen. It is difficult to draw his portrait. He
+has a hard, dry face, which looks as though it had been turned out from a
+seasoned white-oak knot. He wears a grievous expression, lying somewhere
+between sobriety and melancholy. His money, character, and family have made
+him a great man--he is a leading personage in church and state, and
+exercises a wonderful influence in every department of society. The deacon
+is full of dry expressions, and many of his cool, sly remarks have become
+proverbs; but the hardest thing he ever said was after his pious soul had
+been very much vexed, when he observed, "that if Providence should see fit
+to remove Mr. ---- from this vale of tears, he would endeavor to resign
+himself to the stroke."
+
+Major Simeon has many severe struggles within him, between the flesh and
+the spirit. His avarice and piety are both strong, and the former sometimes
+gains a temporary advantage. All his movements are governed by method. He
+remains so long at his store, so long at his house, "takes a journey" with
+his family once a year, "has a place for everything, and everything in its
+place,"--a peg for his hat, a corner for his boots--and he is almost as
+rigid in observing and enforcing his laws as Deacon Smith.
+
+Major Simeon is supreme, of course, over his own family. He never trifles
+with his children. A cold shadow falls around him, which often silences
+their voice of mirth and ringing laugh--the effect of reverence, however,
+more than fear.
+
+Major Giles lives in the Old Giles Mansion. I will not pretend to say how
+many Gileses have occupied it. Their portraits are hanging upon its walls,
+and their bodies lie in the burying-ground; a long row of them, all the
+way across it, and half back again--bud, blossom, and gathered fruit. There
+is the portrait of the celebrated Elnathan Giles, who died during the reign
+of Queen Anne. He looks very stern. He had passed through the scenes of the
+Salem witchcraft, and had been personally connected with the
+excitement--had attended several of the trials as a witness; was bewitched
+once himself--and, according to family tradition, saw one witch hung--an
+out-and-out witch--who had bridled many innocent people at midnight, sailed
+through chamber windows, and hurry-scurried off with them, astride a
+broomstick.
+
+Next to him hangs the face of his son, Colonel Ethelbert, as he was called,
+who lived just long enough to fight at Bunker Hill. He had been a militia
+colonel before the Revolution, and militia colonels were something in those
+days. He made a ferocious-looking portrait, certainly. One can almost smell
+gunpowder in the room. He is dressed up in his military coat, standing
+collar, an epaulet on his shoulder; and there are strewn around him, in the
+background, armies, artillery, drums, and banners. No wonder the Americans
+were victorious. And then came the face of Major Simeon, whom I have
+described.
+
+The wives of these men are also done up in oil, and hang meekly and
+submissively by the side of their lords, as all wives should, or rather as
+all wives did, in those days--and actually died without knowing how much
+they were oppressed.
+
+There are other things besides portraits, to remind Major Simeon of his
+ancestry. There is a tree still standing (strange that a tree should
+outlive generations of men), that Elnathan planted with his own hand, on
+the day Ethelbert was born--a stately elm, whose branches, in their
+magnificent curve, almost sweep the ground. This tree shadowed the cold
+face of both Elnathan and Ethelbert, when their coffins were closed for the
+last time beneath it. There is the spring, more than half a century old,
+that bubbles from the hill, and goes trickling, leaping, and flashing down
+the green slope, singing away to itself as sweetly as ever. The old
+lilac-bush, too, has outlived thousands whose hands have plucked its
+blossoms, and yet it bursts out in the spring, and looks as fresh as the
+children who play beneath it.
+
+It has been thought that Major Simeon and his family were aristocratic.
+There is a stately air about them, when they enter church, that smacks of
+blood. And the Major himself has often declared that, while "stock isn't
+everything, it is a great consolation to know, in his case, that the name
+of Giles has never been stained."
+
+There are several other families in the village whose ancestry runs back as
+far as the Gileses'; and they have about them as many heirlooms to remind
+them of it.
+
+The village is filled with other characters, quite as original as any I
+have described. They are important personages, and have lived in it a long
+time; but they have no family history to fall back upon. There is Major
+Follett, who still lingers on the shores of time, and sustains a vast
+dignity amid his declining years. His head is very white, his hat very
+sleek, and his silk vest is piled very full of ruffles. He carries a
+gold-headed cane, and when he marches through the streets, it rises and
+falls with great emphasis, in harmony with his right foot. Now and then he
+gives out an a-hem!--one of the lordly kind--that fairly awes down his
+inferiors. He is a remarkable talker, too, among his equals--uses words
+having a great many syllables. He never spits, but "expectorates"--his
+pains are all "paroxysms"--talks about the "foreshadowing of events"--and
+all his periods are as round and stately as the march of a Roman army. The
+Major has actually made his assumed dignity pave his way in life--it has
+given him wealth and influence among those who are intrinsically his
+superiors, but who do not know how to put on the airs of consequence.
+
+Old Doctor Styles is living yet. He has survived two or three crops of
+customers--helped them in and out of the world--balanced their
+accounts--and his face is as ruddy, his laugh as hearty, his stories as
+ludicrous, his nose as full of snuff, as though nothing melancholy had ever
+happened in his practice. Eighty odd and more, he stands as straight as a
+staff. Death has been so long a business with him, and he has stared it for
+so many years in the face, that he really does not know, or care, how near
+he is to it himself.
+
+Crapo Jackson, the sexton, is one of the characters. He has announced the
+end of Doctor Styles's labor a great many hundred times through the belfry,
+and helped cover up what remained. Crapo is black, but he has a fine heart.
+He is a perfect master of his work. He puts on an air of melancholy and
+circumspection at a funeral, that becomes the occasion. He sings, from door
+to door, a hymn on Christmas mornings, with cap in hand extended for his
+"quarter"--peddles gingerbread on training days--and aids the female
+portion of the community on festival occasions, and does a great many more
+things, "too numerous to mention."
+
+Speaking of "training days"--dear me!--there used to be a military spirit
+in this village, in times past. I can recollect the names of scores of
+generals, majors, colonels, captains, and even corporals--yes,
+corporals--every man couldn't be a corporal in those times. Why, bless your
+soul, reader! there was General Peabody, and General Jones, and Major
+Goodwin, and Major Boles, and any quantity of colonels. And then "training
+day"--nobody worked--the village was upside down--"'Seventy-six" was in
+command, and martial law declared.
+
+Major Boles I recollect, when in the active discharge of his duty. He
+always grew serious as the great militia muster drew on. He went away off
+by himself, into the chamber, where he could be alone with the spirits of
+his forefathers, and burnished up his sword, shook out the dust from his
+regimentals--warned his children to stand out of the way--and looked
+ferociously at his wife. He knew he was _Major_ Boles, and he knew every
+other respectable man knew it.
+
+But Major-General Peabody was the greatest general _I_ ever saw. When a
+boy, I looked upon him as a very blood-thirsty man, and nothing would have
+induced me to go near him. He was a little fellow in stature, had a hard
+round paunch that looked like an iron pot, and short, thick, dropsical
+legs. (Major Boles, who was a little envious, said they were stuffed, which
+produced a coldness between them.) His face was freckled, and his hair
+gray. He wore two massive epaulets, an old Revolutionary cap, shaped like
+the moon in its first quarter, from which a white and red feather curved
+over his left ear. He had a sword--and such a sword! Nobody dared touch it;
+for it was the General's sword!
+
+"Training day" usually opened with a boom from the field-piece, at
+sunrise, that shook the hills. About ten in the morning the soldiers began
+to pour in from all quarters. Drums and fifes, and muskets and rifles,
+filed along in confusion,--ambitious companies in uniform--common militia,
+who were out according to law. Uncle Joe Billings, who had played the
+bass-drum for more than twenty years (poor old man, he is dead now!) was
+seen gravely marching along all by himself, his drum slung about his neck,
+his head erect, his step firm, pushing on to head-quarters at the measured
+beat of his own music, now and then cutting a flourish with his right hand,
+for the amusement of the children who were capering around him. Knots of
+soldiers gathered about the tavern, and made a circle for the music to
+practise, preparatory to the great come-off. Then came the good old
+continental tunes that were full of fight, played by old fifers and
+drummers that had been through the wars; men who made a solemn and earnest
+thing of martial music--who reverenced it as the sacred voice of liberty,
+not to be trifled with, who thought of Bunker Hill until the tears started
+from their eyes. Those old airs, that used to echo among the mountains of
+New England--where are they?
+
+But the captains, and colonels, and generals did not mix with the common
+soldiers on training day--no! nor speak to them. Rank meant something. They
+felt as though they were out in a war. They kept themselves covered from
+the public gaze away off in a secluded corner of the tavern, and were
+waited upon with great respect by those of inferior grade. Sometimes a
+guard was stationed at the door to prevent a crowd upon their dignity.
+Occasionally, one of them would bustle out among the rank and file on some
+momentous duty, fairly blazing with gold and silver, lace and feathers;
+but there was never an instance of one of these characters recognizing even
+his own brother while in military costume. Major Boles has often said that
+"no officer can be expected to see small things when in the active
+discharge of his duty."
+
+At about eleven o'clock the solemn roll of the drums was heard, and loud
+voices of command followed; and swords flashed, and feathers danced, in the
+organization of the companies; and then came the training--real training--a
+mile down street; a mile back again; a perfect roar of music; and flags
+flying--horses prancing. What was rain, or dust, or mud with such an army!
+They marched straight through it; it was nothing to war. The sweat poured
+down, but the army moved on for hours and hours in its terrible march.
+
+The great sight of the day, however, was the Major-General and his staff--I
+mean, of course, Major-General Peabody. They were not seen until about
+three o'clock in the afternoon; it being customary for them to withdraw
+from public observation the day prior to the muster. When the army was
+drawn up in the field, preparatory to inspection, there was usually a pause
+of an hour--a pause that was deeply impressive. We never knew exactly where
+the General and his staff were concealed. Some persons said they were
+housed in one place, some in another; but, upon the discharge of a cannon,
+they burst upon us, glittering like the sun, and came cantering down the
+road with perfect fury, in a cloud of dust, followed by a score of boys who
+were on a sharp run to "keep up."
+
+General Peabody and his staff always rushed headlong into the field,
+without looking to the right or left. I recollect that on one occasion he
+demolished an apple-cart, and absolutely turned everything topsy-turvy,
+besides creating great consternation among the by-standers; but it did not
+disturb him, and it was only upon information the next day that he knew
+that anything serious had happened.
+
+Passing the ruins of the apple-cart, and entering within the guarded lines,
+he halted, and took a survey of his troops. Then the music saluted him, and
+the companies waved their flags. He rode a little nearer, rose in his
+stirrups, jerked out his sword spitefully, and, looking ferociously, cried
+out, "Shoulder arms!" This cry was just as spitefully repeated by the
+subordinate officers; and, after a while, the privates, one after another,
+lazily raised their "pieces" to their shoulders. The General was in the act
+of rising again, and was drawing in his breath for a command of thunder,
+when his horse wheeled at the report of a musket that went off in the
+lines, and came near upsetting him, feathers and all; but he fell into the
+arms of one of his aids, and--swore, as I was at the time credibly
+informed, though I could hardly believe it.
+
+The General very soon righted himself, and, striking his horse several
+violent blows across his rump, cut a great many flourishes on the field, to
+the utter astonishment of the lookers-on. He then rushed through the orders
+of the day like a madman, and was manifestly utterly fearless of
+consequences.
+
+I hope my readers are satisfied that Major-General Peabody was a great
+military character. I recollect, when a boy, that I heard him say, "that he
+was very sure _he_ would be the last man to run in a fight,"--"that he was
+afraid to trust himself in a battle, for he never could lay down his sword
+until the last enemy was massacred!"
+
+The old man was laid under the turf one autumnal afternoon, many years ago,
+but his prowess is not forgotten to this day. His son, Colonel Asher
+Peabody, who inherited his father's spirit, erected a stately monument over
+his remains, which was covered with drums, and fifes, and swords, and
+waving banners, and big-mouthed guns, intermixed with texts of Scripture,
+the virtues of the deceased, admonitions to the living, &c. This monument
+was always as terrific to me as the General himself; and, in my boyish
+days, I always contemplated it from a distance, not knowing but that it
+might blow up a piece of juvenile impertinence like myself on the spot.
+
+Yes, reader, these were training days in New England; but the military
+glory has now actually died out. The last gathering I saw I shall never
+forget. It was, indeed, a sorry group, made up of a rusty captain, two or
+three faded corporals, and a handful of dare-devil privates, who cared no
+more for their country than so many heathen. The officers looked cowed and
+heart-broken, and loitered about in a very melancholy way; and it was
+evident that the spirit of '76 was on its last legs. I afterwards learned,
+I am sorry to say, that the captain, in a fit of patriotic rage, broke his
+sword across his knee, and declared "that he never would turn out again as
+long as his name was Jones!"
+
+And then, reader, this village was full of boys when I was a boy. Every
+village is, you say. Very likely; but _such_ boys! there have never been
+anything like them since. They wandered with me Saturday afternoons
+through the meadows, where the lark was flitting and singing; and we
+related wonderful stories about the future. We cut red-willow canes, made
+whistles, and dammed mountain rivulets. Life opened to us with a chant: it
+was melody, melody everywhere. There was the mountain gorge, down which we
+rolled stones with the voice of thunder; the "big rock," in the river, from
+which we fished; the pond, that we thought had "no bottom;" the mountain
+cliff, with its "den of snakes:" _where_ are those boys now?
+Everywhere--nowhere! Citizens of the world, some; and some of that other
+world. They will never be all gathered but once more.
+
+But what has all this to do with Puddleford? Much. They are so many
+pictures that I carry around with me, and they form a part of my existence.
+They color life, thought, action; they mould the man; they are continually
+inviting contrasts, and making suggestions; and I cannot omit to notice
+them in my sketch of that famous village.
+
+When I last saw my native village--it was but a little while ago--it lay
+sleeping in its amphitheatre as beautiful and tranquil as ever among the
+shadows of its elms. It was summer, and the air was rich with music and
+flowers. The highest peaks of the mountain were draped in blue, and the
+valley beneath was a waving sea of green, down which the sunshine chased
+the shade. The quail was blowing his simple pipe among the fields of grain;
+the drone of the locust, the clanging of the mower's scythe, and the shout
+and the song, were heard in the fields in the still afternoon. When the sun
+went down, and its last flash leaped from the vane of the church-steeple to
+a lofty mountain-peak three miles away, the whippoorwill began her
+plaintive song, and the night-hawks went wheeling through the sky. Then the
+evening bells broke forth, and their echoes sobered the twilight; and, as
+their last vibration expired along the valley, the river stood golden
+beneath the rays of the moon.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX.
+
+     First Militia Law in Puddleford.--Aunt Sonora opposed to
+     it.--Turtle sets her right.--Meeting to choose
+     Officers.--Longbow electioneers for Captain; Takes the
+     Chair.--Turtle objects.--P'ints of Order.--_Vivy Vocy_ Vote
+     won't do.--Legally authorized Boxes must be had.--Longbow's
+     Speech.--Turtle fined for Contempt.--Longbow elected
+     Captain.--Great Military Turn-out.--Company turn a Circle;
+     Break down.--Turn an Angle; Break down again.--Address to
+     Troops.--Adjourn _sine die_.
+
+
+This great republic has ever been notorious for its patriotism, and this
+patriotism used to break out everywhere, in days past, into a volcanic
+eruption on days of general militia muster. Puddleford began very early to
+feel the necessity of a spontaneous expression of its devotion to our
+common country. When it was very new, and before any law had been passed by
+the legislature organizing its people into companies, regiments,
+battalions, and divisions, very strong premonitory symptoms of war were
+frequently manifested. Beagle brought into the country an old snare drum,
+which gave out a very crazy sound. Swipes owned a fife that squeaked most
+hideously; and this fife and drum, with their owners tied to them, often
+went on one of the most public corners of the village, on moonlight nights,
+and roused up the war spirit of the whole neighborhood. They seemed to put
+the very furies into the dogs, who barked and howled from every quarter.
+By and by, a law was passed by the legislature of the state, compelling
+every man to do militia duty, under fines and penalties that were really
+frightful; and Turtle most solemnly declared, upon the strength of a fee of
+one dollar to him paid for his advice thereon, "that the act was
+constitutional, and accordin' to the common la' and the staterts, and that
+it must be lived up to, fodder or no fodder!"
+
+Aunt Sonora said, "she didn't see what under heavens an' airth anybody
+wanted of a war la'; they'd allers got along well 'nough in Puddleford
+mindin' their own business. Somebody allers got killed when there were so
+many guns and sogers, and so much powder; and for her part, she'd not stay
+round any such gath'rings, if she starv'd in jail. She'd quit the
+settlement fust!"
+
+Turtle informed the old lady that "wimin wouldn't have-ter turn out; it was
+only the men over eighteen years of age--and that there was no fighting
+done, only in case of actual invasion of the country, when wimin and all
+would have-ter fight like blazes, or the whole settlement would be laid in
+ashes."
+
+Aunt Sonora still insisted that "guns were _dang_-rous, any way; that they
+_would_ go off, nobody knew when, and she shouldn't be s'prised to hear of
+a dozen men bein' killed at every trainin'; if men would only be ker-ful,
+but then they wouldn't; they'd all get as crazy as March hares, and as wild
+as loons!"
+
+By the law, every company was permitted to choose its own officers, and
+Puddleford counted just about people enough to make a respectable
+organization of one company in numbers. It was resolved to hold a meeting
+for organization, and to immediately choose officers at the tavern of
+Bulliphant, no man under eighteen years of age to be present, because, as
+Longbow declared, "that would be agin the la', and the proceedin's would be
+all squashed."
+
+In truth, Longbow had no doubt in his mind, from the very first, that he
+would be captain from the very necessity of the case. He was, he thought,
+the military pillar of the whole township, as well as the civil; and as he
+had generalled everything so far, he did not believe any one would dare to
+dispute his inalienable right to that eminent position. So the Squire began
+very early to talk learnedly about the last war, and the blood and fury
+which accompanied it; and he put on a very ferocious look when in public,
+and was frequently seen practising with his old fusee at a mark, which
+discharged like a funnel, wrong end foremost. "He had a brother," he said,
+"who fit at Lunder's Lane, and who was shot in the back, by savage Injuns
+in the rear, jest as he was a-bagnettin' some of the British!"
+
+Turtle, who was a little ambitious for the office, and who saw the drift of
+the Squire's bravado, said, "he guessed he was a-runnin' when he got that
+are shot."
+
+The Squire replied, that "he shouldn't sit still and hear such talk from
+any man. He didn't care 'bout his brother--it warn't that--but to hear the
+patriots of our country slandered was a species of high treason, and that
+was agin the constitution; and that 'ere insterment couldn't be violated in
+his presence by no man--_he_ was a sworn officer--and the glorious blood of
+the great wars was a sacred thing in his eye--and it _should_ be
+protected."
+
+Turtle declared, "it didn't make any difference what the Squire's _brother_
+did, or did not do--it didn't help the Squire any. He guessed the Squire's
+blood had Peter'd out."
+
+The Squire said, "he was the last man to boast of his relations, but blood
+was blood, whatever they might say."
+
+On the famous night when the election came off, the tavern of Bulliphant
+was crowded. A dozen or more ragged urchins, who had been barred out by
+authority contained in the notice, had clustered around the windows, and
+were gazing in with awe upon the assemblage. The "wimin" had been admitted
+by special grace, and occupied the adjoining rooms. It was a most momentous
+occasion--a great day for Puddleford--"it looked so much like war," as Aunt
+Sonora said, "as if they were a-goin' to fight right off."
+
+The Squire rose, after the crowd had gathered, and said, "the first thing
+in order was to drink--it wouldn't be proper to enter into any important
+military business, without first drinking to our common country--and he
+wished the land_lud_ to set on a gallon of baldface--the Puddleford name
+for whiskey--so the wheels could be started right."
+
+"And another thing," exclaimed Turtle; "we want the American flag and an
+eagle, these 'ere glorious symbols that went along with our forefathers
+when they were a fightin' for the liberties of our country!" but as
+Puddleford had no flag, a compromise was made, and the meeting concluded to
+nail a shilling pocket-handkerchief, which had one painted on it, to the
+bar, leave out the eagle, and take the whiskey.
+
+Squire Longbow took the chair, and said, "he would listen to anything the
+meetin' had to say. He was by la' inspector of elections."
+
+Turtle objected--"he didn't know whether he'd take the chair or not--that
+was for the meetin' to say."
+
+The Squire said, "he took it by virtue of bein' a member of the board of
+inspectors of township elections--and this was one of 'em--a regular
+township 'lection, and nothin' else, held by authority of la', under the
+statert, past and 'proved, and sent him as justis to be lived up to."
+
+Turtle replied, "he didn't see how the Squire was a _board_ of inspectors;
+'cordin' to his own showin'--where's the township clerk, and where's the
+supervisor--have you swallow'd 'em all up, Mr. Longbow?" He objected, and
+he wanted his objection noted--taken down in black and white.
+
+The Squire said, "that was _their_ business--if they neglected the defence
+of our common country, _he_ couldn't help it--he meant to be a patriot, and
+stand up to the constitution and staterts, if every man in Puddleford
+turned traitor." The Squire swelled out very large, after concluding this
+speech.
+
+At this point, Aunt Sonora, who was intently absorbed in the earnestness
+which pervaded the meeting, and who sat in the next room, rose, and asked
+the Squire "if there was really goin' to be war?"
+
+The Squire replied, "that the meetin' must not be disturbed; the wimin had
+been let in as a great favor--for he didn't think the statert meant to have
+a soul on 'em present, and he didn't know but jest that thing would blow
+all the proceedin's to flinders in the higher courts, and that _every soul_
+on 'em would be court-martialed."
+
+Aunt Sonora slunk out of sight, drew her handkerchief, and heaved a long
+sigh.
+
+Turtle rose and said, "he would nominate the Colonel captain of the first
+militia company of Puddleford."
+
+"That's straight agin la'!" exclaimed the Squire; "that makes a _vivy vocy_
+vote on't, and we can't take any _vivy vocy_ vote here; this 'ere thing has
+got-ter go through the town ballot-box, or it won't be legal--this vote
+must be returned in form to the governor, and if _he_ should see it was a
+_vivy vocy_ vote, he'd squash everything quicker'n you could say Jack
+Robinson." The Squire didn't like the nomination--he was determined to be
+captain himself.
+
+Turtle asked the Squire "if a hat would not do to collect votes?"
+
+The Squire said, "nothing short of the legally authorized boxes; he
+couldn't trample down the la'."
+
+The legally authorized boxes were procured, and the voting was ready to go
+forward.
+
+Hereupon the Squire arose, and blowing his nose with one finger, a side at
+a time, and heaving a few sepulchral hems, said "that it was his duty to
+say a few words: He was something of a military man himself--he belonged to
+the Hos Guards down in the Susquehannas, when he was a young man, a great
+many years ago, and they had sham fights most every year." ("Was anybody
+killed?" exclaimed Aunt Sonora, who had forgotten herself, and whose nerves
+had been shocked by hearing the word "fight.")
+
+The Squire turned to Aunt Sonora, and declared that "it was the last time
+she _should_ speak. They had sham fights most every year," continued the
+Squire, "and he recollected that, while pursuin' the enemy in an open
+field, he fell from his horse, and bruised his head, but he caught his
+horse agin, and jined his company, 'fore anybody knew what had happened."
+
+Turtle rose, and inquired, "What he put on his head? If it warn't
+opodildoc?"
+
+"And that company," continued the Squire, disregarding Turtle's question,
+"is in existence yet, and is commanded by Captain Zekiel--Zekiel--Zekiel--I
+don't know what his t'other name is; and there ain't no time,
+feller-citizens, sin' it's bin a company, that it wouldn't er turned out in
+war if there'd bin a war, and they'd bin called on, feller-citizens."
+
+Turtle Said "he know'd about the last war, and he never heer'd of that
+company of Hos Guards nowhere."
+
+"Ah! but you see!" answered the Squire, "they weren't called on--and he
+might as well say that he was _lef_-tenant onc't in the great Pennsylvaney
+militia--not that he wanted to be captain of _this_ company--and he might a
+'gone higher, but he wouldn't take it--his former wife, that's dead and
+gone, know'd that. And then, feller-citizens, there's a great deal of la'
+'bout our militia, and if a captin don't know the la', everything will be
+illegal, and _every_ son of you will be called up and court-martialed, and
+fined, and 'prisoned, and your property taken and sold; and there ain't no
+'peelin' it up, for military laws ain't like other laws, feller-citizens,
+they ain't--"
+
+"That's a lie!" exclaimed Turtle.
+
+"_Who_ says that's a lie?" vociferated the Squire, jerking his head around.
+"_What's_ a lie?"
+
+"It's _all_ a lie!" repeated Ike.
+
+"Give me that 'ere statement," roared the Squire. It was handed up. "By
+authority in me vested, in that 'ere book, I fine you one dollar. It's a
+contempt, sir--a contempt upon both a justice of the peace, and a 'spector
+of 'lections. I oughter say _two_ dollars--it's a double contempt--I fine
+you one dollar, sir; and you can't vote, sir, here, sir, in this 'ere
+meetin', sir, while you're under contempt, sir, until you pay the dollar,
+sir--and I might sue you for special damages, sir, but _I_ don't care 'bout
+that, sir--it is my office that I am protectin';" and the Squire sat down
+in the midst of his unfinished speech, filled with wrath.
+
+Squire Longbow was very sincere in his position which he had so confidently
+taken. He had been so long a magistrate, and "head man" of Puddleford, and
+he had been so closely identified with its public affairs, that he felt
+himself always in court, and every personal insult was construed by him
+into a contempt. Turtle humored the weakness of the old man, when his
+dignity was in jeopardy, and on this occasion he felt no alarm, for he knew
+that the fine would never be collected. Turtle owed the Squire more fines
+already than he was worth.
+
+Squire Longbow was elected captain of the Puddleford company. When he spoke
+so eloquently of the liberty and property of the people being so likely to
+be jeopardized by an officer ignorant in the law, he carried his point, for
+there was no man in the settlement so mighty as the Squire in that respect,
+in the estimation of the public.
+
+In the fall, the Squire exhibited the first Puddleford militia company ever
+assembled upon parade to the gaping wonder of its men, women, and children.
+He formed his raw recruits into a line by the aid of a board fence, which
+was supposed to be nearly straight, in the outskirts of the place. The
+Squire was a very blood-thirsty looking captain, after he had mounted his
+regimentals. He had turned up a broad-brimmed felt hat, and tacked the
+sides by a flaming red cockade made of flannel, and had fastened an ostrich
+feather, which he found in the wardrobe of his second wife, Aunt Graves, in
+its top, which drooped heavily over his back. His coat was his best
+homespun, the same that was woven by the hands of his first wife, and in
+which he afterwards courted Aunt Graves, and it was bedizened with stripes
+of cloth of every color. His sword was an old-fashioned affair, which he
+had loaned of Ike Turtle, and was an heirloom in the Turtle family, it
+having been used by his grandfather in the revolutionary war. His waistcoat
+was red, and his boot-legs came over his pantaloons, each one supporting a
+heavy cotton tassel, which swung to and fro as he walked.
+
+The company was as complete a specimen of ragamuffins as were ever
+congregated together. There were three guns to the crowd, and the balance
+of the arms were made up of the most murderous implements within reach,
+such as axes, pitchforks, &c.
+
+But the Squire did not forget his dignity for a single moment. He put on a
+martial air, and felt himself every inch a captain. While his company stood
+erect in a line against the board fence, he marched backwards and forwards,
+looking at it over his shoulder, with the greatest military pride, while
+three dogs, his own property, and who had come out to witness the parade,
+trotted after him. When the Squire wheeled to retrace his steps, the dogs
+wheeled; when the Squire faced about to take a broadside view of his
+company, the dogs sat down on their haunches, and took a view with him.
+During the exercises, the Squire accidentally cut a low flourish with his
+sword, and upset one of his own curs, who went howling towards the fence,
+and lay down in the shade, perfectly satisfied with war, while the other
+two, taking warning, retired farther in the rear, where they thought they
+could see just as well. The Squire had not studied very deeply military
+works on tactics, and his orders were somewhat monotonous, and were mostly
+made up of two--"Shoul-_der_ arms!" and "Rest!" Walking a few paces, he
+would suddenly wheel and cry, like the cracking of a pistol, in a most
+furious tone--"Shoul-_der_ arms!" then taking a few strides, which seemed
+to soften his temper, he would turn softly, as if he repented his
+harshness, with--"Rest!" And the Puddleford company for an hour shouldered
+and unshouldered their arms, to the astonishment of the crowd of urchins
+that were looking on.
+
+It had been announced for a week, that the field exercises would come off
+in the afternoon, at three o'clock. The ladies were invited to attend at
+that hour, to witness the display. Squire Longbow gave as a reason for this
+second eruption of patriotism, that the "Hos Guards down on the
+Susquehannas allers had field exercises in the arternoon,"--"that, if it
+hadn't-er been for field exercises, the Hos Guards wouldn't-er never been
+fit for war,"--and Aunt Sonora told Mrs. Swipes, and Mrs. Swipes told Mrs.
+Beagle, and they all told somebody else, that the field exercises were
+going to be "jist sich as the Squire used to have down on the
+Susquehannas." Aunt Sonora, however, sent down her boy Jabez to inquire of
+Squire Longbow's wife, if there was a-goin' to be any shootin' there, for
+if there was, "she was the last critter that would go--she could tell 'em
+that."
+
+At noon the Puddleford company adjourned for one hour, when the Squire
+thanked them, "one and all, for their grand military performance, which was
+a credit alike unto themselves and their country, and he hop'd they'd be on
+hand in the arter-_noon_, 'cordin' to law."
+
+At three o'clock the troops assembled for field exercises, in a ten-acre
+lot, and they appeared to be very much recruited. Some eight or ten of the
+patriots, however, had evidently been indulging at the "Eagle," and they
+did not stand quite plumb. The captain found it very difficult to form them
+into a line. Beagle could not possibly shoulder arms without sagging
+against the column. Swipes stood much straighter than he did when sober in
+the forenoon. He was so anxious to disguise his condition, that he had
+planted himself in a most defiant attitude, with one foot advanced, and had
+fixed his eyes upon the sky; he went through the exercises in a twitching,
+nervous way, as if Longbow was moving him like a puppet by a string. Turtle
+felt mischievously well, and the colonel stood as stoical as if he expected
+to lay down his life before the enemy in fifteen minutes.
+
+The Squire's three dogs, who had been out during the forenoon, had returned
+to see the end of the parade. Thirty or forty women and children were also
+present, sitting upon stumps, and hanging upon fences in a very
+miscellaneous sort of confusion. Aunt Sonora and Mrs. Longbow had procured
+a couple of chairs, and the old lady seated herself, and took up her
+knitting. Mrs. Longbow did not mix very much with the crowd, because she
+could not forget that her husband was "captin of the day," as she said,
+and she and her husband she felt to be one.
+
+The Squire formed the company into a line. "The fust thing to be did,"
+exclaimed he, drawing his sword, and swinging it three times around his
+head, as a kind of three cheers, and scaring his dogs by this frightful
+flourish, repeated before their eyes, and who had not forgotten the
+accident of the morning--"the fust thing to be did, feller-sogers, is to
+turn a circle."
+
+"To turn a _what_?" roared Turtle from the ranks.
+
+"To turn a circle," repeated the captain, "as the Hos Guards used to do,
+down inter the Susquehannas."
+
+"T-h-u-n-d-e-r!!" ejaculated Ike.
+
+"No talking in the ranks--'tis finable--and 'twon't be permitted. We're
+under martial law, and that's _very sum_'ry, Mr. Turtle, very _sum_'ry! And
+to turn a circle," continued the Squire, "is one-er the most complercated
+revolutions ever performed by the Hos Guards. I hereby appoint Mr. Beagle
+the centre pin. Mr. Turtle will head the column--Mr. Beagle will stand
+still, and the column will sweep round him, to the point from which they
+started. Heads up! Shoul-_der_ arms! Ev'ry man to his post!"
+
+The captain drew his sword, and cried terribly, "For-_erd_, men!" Turtle
+ran--the man behind him ran--and all ran, helter-skelter, some whooping,
+some groaning, and in their sweep they took in a score of ragged boys, and
+hurled them upon Aunt Sonora and Mrs. Longbow, who keeled over backwards in
+their chairs, their petticoats fluttering, in their somerset, in the face
+of the whole company. The Squire, forgetting his own position, when he saw
+the position of his second wife, hastened to her rescue, set her up, and
+pointed with his sword to the road, and she and Aunt Sonora pushed
+desperately for the fence, their hair streaming behind them, bellowing
+"Murder!" while the company brought up in the shape of a pot-hook, having
+about half described the circle,--Beagle, the "centre-pin," crying to them
+to "come on!"
+
+"H-ll!" involuntarily ejaculated the Squire, as he looked upon the
+confusion.
+
+"That's swearin'," said Ike from the ranks, "and is agin the statert."
+
+The Squire explained. "He didn't swear as a justis', he swore as a captin',
+and captins allers swore on the field-er action--but he'd take that 'ere
+oath back.--What do you s'pose the Hos Guards would think of such a
+revolution as that 'ere,"--continued the Squire, looking at the huddle
+before him, "wouldn't _they_ swear? Do you call that a circle?--Every man
+to his post in a line!" and the company straggled back into a column.
+
+Aunt Sonora sat upon the fence, panting with fright, and fanning her
+flushed face with her cotton handkerchief. She told Mr. Longbow that "she
+know'd that somebody'd be kill'd afore night--these sogers were so
+_ker_-less--everybody was so hurly-burly, they'd run anybody right down,
+and stomp on 'em; and if she hadn't got out-er the way jist as she did, she
+would have been a dead woman, she know'd."
+
+"Now," said the Squire, "we'll try to turn an angle; if you can't turn a
+circle, maybe you can turn an angle; and we'll drive a stake to turn it by,
+and Mr. Turtle will again head the column."
+
+The stake was driven at the point of the right angle, "where," said the
+captain, "you will all turn square around." The column moved forward
+solemnly, in a line like a scythe snath, and, reaching the corner, began to
+waver. Beagle at last fell headlong over the stake, and the whole company
+brought up in a pile around him; whereupon the Squire threw his sword on
+the ground, and declared, "he'd throw up his commission--and the country
+might go to grass for all him."
+
+Turtle, who had brought about this confusion, "regretted the misfortune. It
+was all an accident--Beagle had fallen, and discomboberated the whole
+proceedings--accidents would occur on the field--and, in fact, he know'd a
+man shot down dead once in the ranks--he guess'd the movement had better be
+tried over; the stake, he thought, was a leetle too high."
+
+The Squire said, "it was very discouragin'--the Hos-Guards down on the
+Susquehannas turned an angle the fust time tryin'--and on hosses, too. His
+fust wife, now dead and gone, know'd that, for she was thar--it was one of
+the simplest revolutions in all military tactics. He would like jist to
+know what a company would be good for, on a field-er battle, that couldn't
+turn an angle? He would jist like to know what they would do if they were
+following the enemy through a hilly country, if they couldn't turn an
+angle?--they'd all be butcher'd 'fore they could get round to the spot
+they'd started for. War was war--and the revolution ought to be did jist as
+if we were to-day fightin' for our liberties. He'd like to know what the
+Hos Guards would say if he should tell 'em that one of his sogers had
+fallen down turnin' an angle! He would throw up his commission afore he'd
+tell 'em any such thing."
+
+Beagle said he "stumbled." "Stumbled!" roared the Squire. "You
+stumbled!--who ever heard of the Hos Guards stumblin'! Stumbled? by the
+great Bonyparte--that ain't swearin', Mr. Turtle--you'd be hung by the
+neck, sir, if you stumbled on the field-er battle--it's a hangin' offence,
+sir--a hangin' offence, sir. We are under martial law, sir, to-day, sir,
+and if it was war time, sir, I'd order you to be stretch'd, sir, in five
+minutes, sir, from that 'ere tree, sir--I'd show you war, sir--real war,
+sir! bloody war, sir!"
+
+Turtle suggested that a lower stake had better be driven--or the outside
+angle of the fence would be still better, that _would_ stand--they could
+walk round a fence corner, he knew.
+
+Aunt Sonora "hop'd for massy-sakes they warn't a-goin' to come out of the
+field--they ought-er be fenced in--she thought it warn't safe!"
+
+Mrs. Longbow, who had great confidence in her husband, said, "she needn't
+be alarm'd any, the capt'n would take care on 'em."
+
+The Squire declared, "he wouldn't try any sich revolution over agin, but he
+thought they _could_ march in platoons;" and thereupon he cried, "Company,
+form in pla-_toons_!"
+
+Turtle said, "he wasn't any war character, and he didn't know what a
+_platoon_ was, but he know'd Injun file."
+
+"Well, Injun file, then," exclaimed the captain; and from Injun file,
+Longbow set them around into a hollow square, put the women in the centre,
+and he delivered to his troops the address of the day, with uncovered
+heads, and in the most affecting silence.
+
+The address was a very patriotic production. The Squire drew heavily from
+the great revolutionary war to find inspiring materials to stimulate his
+forces. He told them, among other things, that his own grandfather was
+"wounded in the hip a-fightin' for his country, and that he draw'd a
+pension arterwards as long as he lived. He hop'd they'd all get ready for
+the great muster that was a-goin' to come off in a few weeks; for the
+gin'ral would be there, then, and a good deal was expected of the
+Puddleford company on that occasion." The Squire had forgotten the
+unfortunate blunders of the day, in his enthusiasm, or, at any rate, he did
+not allude to them, for he said, "he was proud of the soldier-like bearin'
+of his men, and the great respect they all seem'd to have for their
+capt'n--that their arms were not 'zactly accordin' to la'."
+
+"'Cording to the Lord," whispered Aunt Sonora, horrified, very
+audibly--"Hear that."
+
+"'Cording to _la'_," repeated the Squire, who overheard her, "not 'zactly
+'cordin' to la', but it is a constructive compliance with the statert, and
+will pass muster on the first turn-out;" and, thankin' them all for their
+attendance, he adjourned the company _siney die_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI.
+
+     Mrs. Bird gets in a Rage.--Starve a Child.--Mrs. Bird blows
+     off at Mrs. Beagle.--Takes Breath.--Blows off again.--Mrs.
+     Beagle gives a Piece of her Mind.--Aunt Sonora drops
+     in.--She has no Faith in Second Wives.--All adjourn to the
+     House of Mrs. Swipes.--General Fight of Tongues.--Mrs.
+     Swipes gives her Opinion.--A Dead Set by all upon Mrs.
+     Longbow.--Mrs. Longbow raps at the Door.--The Scene
+     changes.--Final Wind-up.
+
+
+Aunt Graves had not got warm in her seat as mistress of Squire Longbow's
+household, when she found half of the female portion of Puddleford upon her
+in full cry. The Swipeses, and the Beagles, and Birds, who were very
+jealous of the sudden elevation of the old spinster, gave her no peace
+night nor day. They had seen the time when she looked up to them, and now
+she was the wife of a Squire--had taken good old Mrs. Longbow's place, and
+"really," as they said, "tried to lord it over them."
+
+Mrs. Bird went all the way in the rain, mud over shoe, to inform Mrs.
+Beagle "that she warn't a-goin' to stand it any longer; _she_'d seen
+enough, and if other people were a-mind to blind their eyes, they
+might--she guessed she know'd what was what--she warn't brought into the
+world for nothin'--they might humbug her if they could--she only wished old
+Mrs. Longbow could jist rise from her grave--jist _once_--that's all she
+would ask--she'd make a scatterin' among the dry bones--jist to think--to
+think--"
+
+"What!" exclaimed Mrs. Beagle, who stood waiting for the climax, with her
+mouth wide open, holding her dish-cloth in her hand.
+
+"What?--what"--repeated Mrs. Bird, "you may well say what--that Longbow
+woman abuses little Elvira Julia Longbow like sixty--the _dar_ling
+creature--how my heart bleeds. That child," continued Mrs. Bird, putting
+down each word in a measured way by striking her fist on the table--"that
+child--that dear--Elvira Julia--the idol--you know of her mother--and what
+a mother she had, too, Mrs. Beagle--O, _what_ a mother! That child is
+starved! She don't get half enough to eat--I know it just as well as if the
+child had told me so with her own lips. She looks puny-like. She didn't
+hold up her head in church all sarvice time, last Sunday--how my heart
+ached for her--I couldn't think of nothin' else--and to think--to _think_,
+Mrs. Beagle, that that woman who warn't nobody, and who'd come onto the
+town if she hadn't fooled the old Squire, is now goin' to turn round and
+starve his children. One thing I _do_ know, I shall never knuckle to
+her--not while my name is Bird--I'll let her know who Mrs. Bird is. She'll
+find out that the Birds can hoe their own row--the Birds allers _have_
+liv'd, and will live, I guess, and they never were beholdin' to the
+Longbows, nuther. Starve a child!--and if she thinks I ever mean to know
+her as anybody but old Poll Graves, she is most grandly mistaken. I'll jist
+tell her who old Graves, her father, was, and what he was, and how he used
+to drink, the old brute. She knows it all--but she thinks Mrs. Bird forgets
+such things--but Mrs. Bird don't forget such things--she has a long
+memory--and her mother warn't none _too_ good, nuther--I could touch her up
+a little on that. Starve a child! Lord-a-massey, I s'pose she thinks she is
+the queen of Puddleford, now, and can do as she has a mind-ter. If she
+don't run agin a snag some day, then call Sally Bird a liar, that's all.
+Pride must have its fall, Mrs. Beagle;" and here Mrs. Bird took the first
+long breath, after entering the house.
+
+"How--you--do--talk!" ejaculated Mrs. Beagle, her eyes half started from
+her head. "I'd thought just as much, but dare not say so."
+
+"Darsen't! darsen't!" popped Mrs. Bird, "Well, thank the Lord, _I_ dare;
+I'll pull down the whole Longbow nest around her ears; I'll complain to the
+town officers; I'll have her taken up, and then let her show her hand; to
+think that the child of that dear, good woman we lov'd so much, should be
+starved! And that ain't all: old Longbow is one of the most miserablest men
+livin'; he don't have a minute's peace day _nor_ night; he rolls and
+tumbles, and talks to himself--thinks, in his dreams, that his former wife
+is back agin, and he talks to her jest as if she was; he hain't had a full
+meal for a mouth. She is the _stin_giest of all mortals! She liv'd on
+nothin' afore she was married--why she counts the very coffee kernels she
+uses--she allers was afraid of goin' to the poor-house--pity she hadn't-er
+gone--but la-sa-me, you can't get one of the Longbows to say a word about
+it--they are as whist as mice--fairly caught--less said the better, you
+know--they are so everlastin' etarnal proud, the hull pack on 'em would die
+before they'd let anything out--but they can't deceive Mrs. Bird--murder
+will out--starve a child!" and here Mrs. Bird took another long breath.
+
+Mrs. Beagle looked still wilder, if possible, than before. But she was a
+very cautious woman, as has been seen. There was a method in _her_ malice.
+"She had thought for a long time," she said, "that affairs were all
+wrong-end-foremost at the Longbows. _She_ could see some things too. But
+she didn't want to say a word agin nobody. She had allers tried to be a
+_keer_ful woman--and she _was_ a keerful woman--and although she said it,
+who had not orter say it, she was a keerful woman. She tried to live in
+peace and Christian charity with everybody--and she would put up with
+enymost anything rather than to have hard feelings 'gin anybody. She had
+allers been a friend of Mrs. Longbow, and was really glad when she heard
+she had at last got married, for she _did_ think she would make a good
+wife--she had orter, for Squire Longbow had been the makin' on her, and had
+set her up in the world for _sum_thin'--but things warn't-er a-goin' right,
+that she know'd, and had know'd it for a long time; the old Squire looked
+as _cowed_-like as if he'd give all his old shoes to see his old wife back
+agin--he didn't look so chirck as he used to do--but then she didn't
+want-er say nothin' about it, for there was one thing she didn't do--she
+didn't talk about her neighbors--if there was any kind of people that she
+_did_ hate, it was the slanderers--she never slandered nobody--but she
+allers did know that Mrs. Longbow was tighter than bark to a tree--she used
+to jest keep soul and body together 'fore she married--a leetle _too_ tight
+to be honest--there wern't no slander in that--she hadn't said she _was_
+dishonest, nor she warn't a-goin' to say it--she would skin a copper the
+closest of anybody she ever see'd; such people _can't be_ honest--they will
+cheat in the dark--not that she meant to say that Mrs. Longbow _would_
+cheat--she slandered nobody--but the child _did_ look _half_-starved, and
+anybody could see it with one eye, and you can't learn old dogs new
+tricks--what's bred in the bone stays there--and the old Squire's darter,
+Livinny, looks like death, too--she's lost a _mother_, and it'll be a long
+time before that woman will fill _her_ place--this is between you and me,
+Mrs. Bird--'twarn't no longer than t'other day that Mrs. Swipes told me
+that old Longbow wanted to marry Mary Jane Arabella, but Mrs. Swipes said
+she jest put her foot down and said No! and he's been _cross_-grained at
+her ever since. Well--well--so it goes."
+
+Aunt Sonora dropped in "to take a breath," as she said. Mrs. Bird and Mrs.
+Beagle had to repeat to her the new developments in the Longbow family,
+with some new additions.
+
+Aunt Sonora said she never did have any faith in second wives. "Depend
+upon't," said the old lady, "no good comes out on 'em. And the old maids
+were the _very_ worst on 'em all. They were the awfullest dead-settest
+people she ever know'd. They _will_ have their way. They allers rule the
+roost. She guessed that her old man knew when he was well off. He hated
+second marriages like pizen."
+
+Finally, the women, after exhausting themselves, all agreed to adjourn to
+the house of Mrs. Swipes, to see what could be done to improve the domestic
+arrangements of the Longbow family. Mrs. Bird said at first she wouldn't
+move an inch, to see Mrs. Swipes or anybody else, for it wasn't no
+business of her'n, but then she know'd that, if it was _her_ child, and
+_she_ was dead, and Mrs. Longbow wasn't dead, Mrs. Longbow would do just as
+she did.
+
+Mrs. Swipes was delighted to see such a crowd of her friends, but declared
+"she couldn't for the life of her tell what was up."
+
+By the time the "ladies" had arrived at the house of Mrs. Swipes, they were
+very highly charged with electricity. They had lashed themselves into a
+very respectable sort of fury. Even Aunt Sonora, amiable as she was,
+muttered to herself, while crossing the road--"Starve a child!"
+
+Nobody ever told Mrs. Swipes any news--that was not possible--she had
+always heard of it, seen it, or expected it; the most astounding
+development was no more than she had "allers known would come about." There
+was no story so large that it was unexpected, or beyond her power to add a
+little to it--no black so black, that she couldn't make it a little
+blacker--no slander so public, but that she had heard a little more than
+her neighbors of it. A piece of scandal melted like sugar in her mouth, and
+it seemed to send a glow over her whole being while she digested it; it
+braced her up for a whole day, and carried her through the most fiery
+domestic trials--no story, therefore, ever lost strength or sting while in
+her keeping--it gathered weight and power like a snowball--she paid it out
+with interest. Her husband, Zeb Swipes, she didn't like, for he did not
+care a pin about his neighbors, "'specially the women folks," as he said;
+and Mrs. Swipes declared she never could interest him in the wickedness of
+the place. Many a time she had talked him to sleep, flaring, and foaming,
+and fretting about Puddleford.
+
+When Mrs. Bird, and Beagle, and Aunt Sonora entered Mrs. Swipes's room, the
+clap burst at once from the whole delegation.
+
+"Don't you think!" exclaimed Mrs. Bird.
+
+"Did you ever!" snapped Mrs. Beagle.
+
+"Pretty doin's these!" chimed in Aunt Sonora.
+
+"That _that_ thing!"--"that Longbow woman," continued Mrs. Bird.
+
+"Starve!" added Mrs. Beagle.
+
+"Yes, starve!" repeated Mrs. Bird.
+
+"A child!" groaned Aunt Sonora.
+
+"Yes, a child!" gasped Mrs. Bird.
+
+"And to think!" said Mrs. Beagle.
+
+"Yes, to think!" said Mrs. Bird.
+
+"_Only_ to think!" repeated Aunt Sonora.
+
+"That," continued Mrs. Beagle.
+
+"Yes, _that_," said Aunt Sonora.
+
+"What she was," said Mrs. Beagle.
+
+"Only--jest--to--think," screamed Mrs. Bird.
+
+"Nobody," continued Mrs. Beagle.
+
+"Nobody at _all_!" snapped Mrs. Bird.
+
+"But"--said Mrs. Beagle.
+
+"But what?" inquired Mrs. Bird.
+
+"_But--old--Poll--Graves!_" screamed the whole three together.
+
+"Hadn't the second gown to her back," added Mrs. Bird.
+
+"Foller'd sowing, too, for a livin'," hinted Mrs. Beagle.
+
+"And glad enough to get it, too," sputtered Mrs. Bird.
+
+"Couldn't-er worn Squire Longbow's old shoes, then," said Mrs. Beagle.
+
+"And now she puts on more ker-ink-tums than the governor's darter," spit
+out Mrs. Bird.
+
+"Starve a child!" exclaimed another.
+
+"Yes, starve a child!" chimed in all the rest, in a most furious tone of
+malicious spite that almost raised the roof. When the storm had spent
+itself on the head of Mrs. Swipes, who stood it with philosophy, for she
+liked it, all hands "set in" to tell her of the barbarous cruelty of Mrs.
+Longbow.
+
+Mrs. Swipes replied, "that nothin' more could have been expected on
+her--old Longbow might-er known she'd-er taken the very hide off on him,
+and off all on 'em--if _he_ didn't know what Poll Graves was, then it was
+_his_ fault; if he hadn't liv'd long-er enough in this community to find
+_her_ out, then the old fool ought-er suffer--good 'nough for him. He tried
+to get our Mary Jane Arabella, 'fore he went arter _her_--but I let him
+know that _I_ was the mother of that gal. He found that Mrs. Swipes had a
+word to say, and it took _me_ to send the old codger adrift--it jest did.
+It's 'nough to make one's blood run cold to see the highty-tighty airs that
+woman puts on. Last Sunday she had on all of old Mrs. dead and gone
+Longbow's finery-finery--that _bun_nit, the very same that she bought at
+Whistle and Sharp's store--price, twenty shillings and sixpence--bought it
+not mor'n two weeks afore she died. That drab of her'n, you know; the dear
+good woman never worn it mor'n onct or twict, 'tended Deacon Pettibone's
+funeral with it, I remember--that very same _bun_nit, and she had it on;
+and she had on, at the same time, old Mrs. Longbow's gown, and shawl too;
+and she did _come_--_a_--sailing right inter church, jest as if she was
+lord of the manor! I thought old Mrs. Longbow had rose from her grave, and
+I shed tears on the spot. It made my blood run cold. Thinks I to myself,
+old critter, if Mrs. Longbow should jest come back agin, she'd make _you_
+scatter, she would--she'd tear them clothes off on you--she'd let you know
+where your place was; she'd learn _you_ to dress up inter _her_ clothes.
+You'd rue the day you ever tried that game with her. Starve a child? Why,
+of course she will; anybody that don't care nothin' 'bout dead folkses
+clothes don't care nothin' 'bout folkses children."
+
+At this point, the whole pack made another dead set at Mrs. Longbow, with
+the exception of Aunt Sonora, who sat rocking violently, and taking snuff.
+It is impossible to repeat the jargon that made up the hurly-burly that
+followed. All the troop were firing together, all kinds of shot, and
+epithets, and sentences were violently broken up into fragments by each
+other, and hurled in a mass at Mrs. Longbow's head with the hottest
+vengeance.
+
+It might have looked something like the following: "Nobody!" "Who cares!"
+"I'll let her!" "Just to think!" "Starve!" "Yes, starve!" "A child!" "That
+new bonnit!" "Twenty shillings!" "Sowed for a livin'!" "And sixpence!"
+"Yes, and sixpence!" "Right in church!" "Hardly cold in!" "The poor child!"
+"And gown, too!" "Her grave!" "Hardly cold in her grave!" "Marry!" "Was as
+poor!" "Marry my Mary!" "As poor as Job's!" "Marry my Mary Jane Arabella!"
+"Was as poor as Job's turkey!" "I can see!" "I only wish!" "I can see how
+it!" "I only wish old Mrs. Longbow could!" "Goes!" "Rise from her!"
+"Starve!" "Grave!" "I'll complain!" "I wonder!" "To the town!" "If she
+thinks!" "Starve!" "I'll knuckle!" "A child!" "To her!" "Poll!" "No!"
+"Old!" "Not as long as my--" "Poll!" "Name is--" "Graves!" "Bird!"
+
+There was a rap at the door, and the uproar ceased, and the vixens were
+magnetized as instantaneously and as completely as if they had all been
+stricken with palsy, and their tongues fastened to the roofs of their
+mouths.
+
+Mrs. Swipes put on a smile, and courtesied to the door, opened it, and
+there stood Mrs. Longbow!
+
+"Good after_noon_, Mrs. Longbow. Well, I do declare!" exclaimed Mrs.
+Swipes, putting on one of her blandest faces, "you have raaly got out at
+last. It warn't no longer than this very morning that Swipes and I were
+wondering what had become of you. Swipes said he know'd you must be sick,
+but I told Swipes you had so many cares--we women folks _have_ so many
+cares, Mrs. Longbow. And who do you think is here?--Mrs. Bird, and Mrs.
+Beagle, and Aunt Sonora--and we were jest a-talkin' 'bout you--and we all
+wonder'd how you did manage to get along so well in your family;" and after
+Mrs. Swipes had chatted and bowed Mrs. Longbow through the hall, Mrs.
+Longbow was introduced to the nest of hornets which had just been buzzing
+so unconsciously about her ears.
+
+"Why--Mrs. Longbow!" cracked Mrs. Bird's voice at the same time, jumping
+from her chair with a convulsive jerk, and grasping her hand, and
+imprinting a kiss upon her. "You have--done it--now--you have come out at
+last. Goin' to call at our house, I s'pose. Let me see--it's one,
+two--yes--three weeks since you've show'd your face, Mrs. Longbow--lookin'
+as bright as a spring mornin', I see."
+
+"All-er that," said Mrs. Beagle.
+
+"But then you have had so much to do," continued Mrs. Bird; "the Squire's
+house had got inter an awful muss while he was a wid'wer. Lavinny
+didn't--know--how--to--do--but the people say that it shines like a pink
+now--and how you _have_ spruc'd up the children--I didn't hardly know
+Elvira Julia last Sunday. I thought her mother had come back agin."
+
+"She looked _so_ happy!" exclaimed Mrs. Beagle.
+
+"And the old Squire begins to hold up _his_ head agin, like _some_body,"
+added Aunt Sonora.
+
+"Nothin' like a _woman_ in a house," chimed in Mrs. Swipes.
+
+"Nothin' like it," said Aunt Sonora.
+
+"Everything goes to loose ends where there ain't no woman," said Mrs. Bird.
+
+"Jest look at old Fluett's house," said Aunt Sonora; "'tis chaos come
+agin--woman gone--everything spilt from garret to cellar."
+
+"And jest so at Dobbins," added Mrs. Bird.
+
+"I do raaly b'lieve," said Mrs. Beagle, "that if Longbow had put off
+gettin' him a woman six months longer, he'd a brok't down."
+
+"Jest what the old man himself said," added Mrs. Bird.
+
+"And--then--to--think," drawled out Mrs. Swipes, "that he should have been
+so fort'nit."
+
+"Might-er tried a hundred times," said Mrs. Bird.
+
+"And got bit," said Mrs. Swipes.
+
+"Yes, and got bit," repeated Mrs. Bird. "There was a kind-er Providence in
+it. There _cer_tainly was."
+
+"Jest what Parson Bigelow said," added Aunt Sonora; "he said he could see
+the hand-er Providence inter it, jest as plain as he wanted to."
+
+"Strange world," said Mrs. Beagle.
+
+"Full-er sorrow," said Mrs. Bird.
+
+"Never know when it's comin'," added Aunt Sonora.
+
+"The only way's to be ready for't, and do our duty," said Mrs. Swipes.
+
+Thus the conversation ran on. Mrs. Longbow supposed herself looked upon as
+a martyr by the crowd of "friends" among whom she had unconsciously fallen,
+and felt almost crushed by the weight of sympathy which they had so
+gratuitously thrust upon her; and finishing her call, returned to her
+domestic labors with a lighter heart, and a satisfied conscience, while
+those she left behind her, on her departure, took the advantage of her
+absence to completely finish up the remainder of the woman's reputation.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII.
+
+     Appeal of Case Filkins _vs._ Beadle.--Turtle's Affidavit and
+     "P'ints."--Longbow's Return.--County Court.--Turtle opens
+     his Law "P'ints."--Bates replies.--A Fight.--Collateral
+     Ish-ers.--Squire Longbow present.--The Court sustains Squire
+     Longbow.--Turtle gets into a Passion.--Impanelling the
+     Jury.--Mr. Buzzlebaum leaves.--Mr. Tumbleton upsets
+     Ike.--Mr. Flummer is cut short bob off.--Ike opens to the
+     Jury.--The Trial.--Charge of the Court.--Jury retire.--Can't
+     agree.
+
+
+Among the causes that were found in the county court for trial was the
+appeal of Filkins against Beadle. Turtle had carried it up. He had informed
+the court and the jury, when he argued the cause below, that he would carry
+it up if he didn't get a verdict, and he was as good as his word. Turtle
+was a long-winded attorney, and what he lacked in brains he made up in
+bottom. He could worry out any opponent in Puddleford, and drive the man
+against whom he had no case into a settlement, or starve him out. Turtle
+often said that "a man's peace was worth something, and he who wouldn't buy
+his peace, orter sweat. La' was la', and if a man didn't want to pay for
+it, he ought to keep out of it." It was necessary, at the time we speak of,
+for any party who desired an appeal, to make out an affidavit, stating the
+errors below. Mr. Turtle was a host on an affidavit. He could raise and
+swear to more "p'ints" than any man in Puddleford.
+
+Turtle's affidavit was a curiosity. It covered _all_ the "p'ints," as he
+called them--"all the 'ish-ers' of law and all the '_ish_-ers' of fact."
+
+According to this document, he set up error in the judgment below:--
+
+1. "'Cause the justis' had counselled with the defendant, and had sworn to
+go for her anyhow.
+
+2. "'Cause the justis' allowed Sile Bates, one of the jurymen, to leave the
+jury, and pettifog for Charity Beadle.
+
+3. "'Cause there wern't but five jurymen to try the cause, and there had
+orter been six.
+
+4. "'Cause counsel hadn't mor'n half got through arguing the case to the
+jury, when the justis' shut them off, and forcibly sent out the jury to
+deliberate on their verdict.
+
+5. "'Cause the justis' err'd in everything from the beginnin' to the end of
+the cause.
+
+6. "'Cause he 'low'd Charity Beadle's set-off, which was agin all kind-er
+law, and never heer'd on in the books.
+
+7. "'Cause the justis' drank liquor while he was tryin' the cause.
+
+8. "'Cause the justis' got inter a passion while he was tryin' the cause.
+
+9. "'Cause the jury got drunk while they were tryin' the cause.
+
+10. "'Cause liquor was sold clus by the court room all the time they were
+tryin' the cause.
+
+11. "'Cause one of the jurymen warn't fit to sarve--he bein' no voter--or
+if he was, he never had voted.
+
+12. "'Cause, as he understood, the jury flopp'd a copper to see who should
+win the cause.
+
+13. "And, finally, the verdict warn't no verdict, 'cause the jury didn't
+agree."
+
+Here were "p'ints" enough to overthrow the most righteous cause in the
+world. This affidavit was filed before Squire Longbow, within the time
+prescribed by statute, as appeared by the return of the magistrate to the
+county court, and the _return_ itself of Squire Longbow was also spread out
+as large as life on the files of the same.
+
+If there was anything that Squire Longbow _did_ pride himself upon, it was
+his returns to county court. He had often said, "that he would like to see
+the man who could pick a flaw in one of his papers." He said "that none of
+his decisions had ever been 'squashed' by the upper courts. He knew what
+la' was, and when a man _knew_ the law, he would allers be sustained."
+
+I do not know as it is worth while to give the full return of the Squire to
+the threatening array of legal objections found in Turtle's affidavit. He
+argued every one of them as if his very existence, both as a man and a
+magistrate, depended on the result. In substance, he returned to the first
+point,--
+
+"That of course he counselled some with both of the parties. He didn't want
+folks quarrellin' 'bout nothin'--a-spendin' their time and their money--and
+how could he know anything about the case, if the parties didn't tell him.
+He was a sworn officer, bound to do his duty, or throw up--if he should
+ish-er papers for everybody that axed him to, without lookin' into the
+case, he wouldn't do nothin' but try causes. _His_ time was worth sumthin',
+as well as other folkses. It was his business to see that every plaintiff
+had a case, and that every defendant had a defence. Turtle counsell'd with
+him first, and he tho't Turtle had a case--but he lied to him, or was
+greatly mistaken, at any rate--Miss Beadle counsell'd next, and he then saw
+it was all up with Turtle, but it was too late to stop proceedings, for the
+summons had gone out, and couldn't be stopp'd; if it could-er been, he'd
+stopp'd it."
+
+To the second point, the Squire returned,--
+
+"That he _did_ 'low Sile Bates to leave the jury, and 'pear as counsel for
+Charity Beadle--that _that_ was constitutional right--right-er counsel in
+all crim'nal cases, thank the Lord, was presarv'd yet--and the case was a
+crim'nal case, or a kind-er crim'nal case--'twarn't for debt, and must be
+crim'nal. _He_ couldn't choose counsel for anybody--thank the Lord that was
+a personal right--Charity Beadle had the right to choose her _own_
+counsel--it warn't none of his business who she took--how could any one
+take her counsel away from her by putting him outer a jury--that would
+destroy the constitution itself. If the court would jist look inter Story
+on the constitution, he'd see how that was; and if he ever did make a
+righteous decision, _that_ was a righteous decision. The woman sav'd her
+case by it--for if she hadn't _had any_ counsel, the greatest injustice
+would-er come on't--maybe the jury would-er 'greed--and _she_--nobody knows
+where she would-er been now."
+
+To the third point he returned,--
+
+"''Cause there wern't but five jurymen,' it is said. Well, there _warn't_.
+What of it? Five were jist as good in this case, as six; 'cause if five
+couldn't agree, how could six?'"
+
+To the fourth point, as follows,--
+
+"He did choke off counsel while they were argerin' the cause to the jury,
+and swore the officer and sent out the jury to deliberate. He'd do it agin,
+under like circumstances. They vi'lated the dignity of the court--there
+wern't no order nor nothin'--everything went on hurly-burly--there was more
+racket than if there was a town-meetin'. One thing there had got-ter be,
+and that was order in his court--he might-er sent them all to jail for
+contempt--but he wanted to be mild with 'em--he didn't allers think it best
+to go to the length of the la'--two counsel talkin' to the jury at onct was
+agin all la'--it was a great contempt of court--they'd orter been fin'd ten
+dollars apiece--but he didn't want-er fine 'em--he took a shorter
+course--he acted in his discretion--and he had a discretion in sich
+cases--any other court would-er done as he did, or worse, maybe. So long as
+he was magistrate, he meant to be magistrate--and his court was a
+court--and that thing people had got-ter find out, sooner or later."
+
+To the fifth point, as follows,--
+
+"He'd jist submit that to the higher court."
+
+To the sixth point, as follows,--
+
+"He did let in the set-off of Charity Beadle, and he did it, arter
+examinin' all the 'thorities on that p'int. He consulted Squire Brown, too,
+who did business down inter the State of New York, as justis', more'n ten
+years, and who had a great many jist sich cases afore him. The Squire said
+it was la' there, and had bin ever sin' he was a boy--and York la' was good
+la' anywhere. Story was dead for 'lowin' sich kind-er set-offs, and his
+works were all in favor on't--and it would be a likely p'int for anybody to
+set up that sich a set-off couldn't be allow'd. Filkins sues for so much
+money for so many slanders--now, then, he would jist like to know, if five
+slanders are worth ten dollars to _her_, if five slanders wouldn't be worth
+ten dollars to Charity Beadle--and if one ten dollars ain't jist as good as
+another ten dollars--he would like to know if one don't suffer jist as much
+as t'other--and if one hadn't orter be paid jist as much as t'other. If you
+go lyin' round 'bout me, you've got to pay, but if I go lyin' round 'bout
+you, I hain't got-ter pay--he'd like to know what justis' there was in all
+that--he didn't b'lieve Turtle thought so himself, but he was allers tryin'
+to bull-rag the court--and he warn't goin' to be bull-ragg'd by him nor
+nobody else."
+
+To the seventh point, as follows,--
+
+"He didn't know whether Mr. Turtle meant to be personal or not. He didn't
+know whether he meant to say, right out, that he was drunk, or not. If he
+did, he was a liar. He had no right to slander him onter the public records
+of the higher courts, in that sort-er way. What if he did drink? he had a
+right to drink--that was his business--when anybody can say that Squire
+Longbow is unfit for business from 'licker,' then there's time 'nough to
+blow out at him, and not afore--he shouldn't notice that p'int any furder."
+
+To the eighth point, as follows,--
+
+"'Got inter a passion?' He _did_ rise in his wrath onct or twict, to
+presarve the order of the court. He warn't goin' to sit and be trampled on.
+He was de-_tar_-min'd that justis' should take its course, if he had to
+fight to do it. He couldn't keep Turtle down any other way--he'd used up
+all the fines in the staterts agin him, and that wouldn't do--he tore on
+worse than ever--and he'd jist say here, it was high time the fines were
+increas'd. He informed the court that Turtle said, 'he hadn't but one eye,
+and that he couldn't see but a little ways--that he hadn't as many brains
+as an 'ister--that his head was full-er cobwebs or bumble-bees, he didn't
+know which--that his judgment warn't good on a common note-er-hand--that he
+warn't up to the school-marm, for she could read--and that he _did_ get
+inter a passion that the _court_ should have been so trampled upon--for he
+_would_ presarve the dignity of his court so long as _he_ was magistrate--a
+great deal depended upon _order_ in court--and when everything was a-goin'
+topsy-turvy, there warn't no justis'--he should allers, use jist as much
+force as was necessary to presarve order--and get into a passion, too, if
+he wanted to."
+
+To the ninth point, as follows,--
+
+"He didn't know whether the jury were drunk or not--that's _their_
+biz-ness, not his'n--they could answer for themselves on that p'int; and if
+Mr. Turtle wanted to know how that was, he'd better ax 'em; he warn't
+a-goin' to--he never took away any of the priv'leges of the jury--they were
+sacred things to him. When he tried cases, he did as _he_ was a mind-ter,
+and the jury did as _they_ were a mind-ter--if they wanted to drink, he
+wouldn't interfere--'twas out of his jurisdiction--he never did dabble with
+a jury, nor he never would--but he would say that the jury 'peared very
+well, listened to all the evidence as men should--stay'd out long 'nough to
+consider on the evidence and gin in a verdict, he verily believed, 'cordin'
+to their oath."
+
+To the tenth point, as follows,--
+
+"Licker might-er bin sold _clus_ to the court-room--but it warn't sold _in_
+the court-room--that he'd never 'low'd since he was a justice--every man
+who drank, went inter the _bar_-room, and thar was a strong _pe_-tition and
+a clus door atween the two rooms--he wouldn't-er 'low'd a drop in the
+court-room--he had allers bin very keerful 'bout that--they did drink onct
+or twict, but it was in the _bar_-room--the trial was very long and very
+troublesome--and the jury got dry--but they drank every time in the
+_bar_-room, and not in the court-room--and he was _keer_-ful every time
+they _did_ drink, to 'journ the court, to save all questions--and he would
+say that Turtle drank as often as anybody--and onct, certainly, he moved to
+'journ the court for to drink, and nothin' else--and now he goes up to the
+higher court, and makes a fuss 'bout it--the staterts said there should be
+no licker sold _in the room_ where the court is held--not _out_ of it, nor
+in the next room--and he'd allers bin a la'-'bidin' man, and allers meant
+to be."
+
+To the eleventh point, as follows,--
+
+"He didn't know whether the juryman was a voter or not--'twas _none of his_
+bizness--best known to himself--if he set, knowin' he warn't a juryman, he
+orter to be proceeded agin by the next grand jury."
+
+To the twelfth point as follows,--
+
+"How in airth did he know anything 'bout floppin' coppers--he warn't
+thar--he warn't a juryman--he was the court--they might-er flopped for all
+he knew--but he had seen Mr. Swipes, who was one of the men who set, and he
+says thar warn't a copper flopped."
+
+To the thirteenth point, as follows,--
+
+"There _was_ a verdict, and it was recorded on his docket--it was, 'that
+the jury couldn't agree, one of 'em standin' out 'cause he was a-feared or
+wanted to be pop'lar with somebody;' and that was jist as it was gin in."
+
+Squire Longbow had returned much more matter to the court than he was
+required to do by his affidavit, which has not been stated--mere
+speculations of his own about the law and facts of the case as they
+appeared before him, all of which he said the court "orter know."
+
+The judge of the county court was an enlarged edition of Longbow
+himself--enlarged, because his jurisdiction was greater. He was one of the
+foremost men of the county, because he was one of the most independent. He
+owned a great deal of land, and a great deal of stock--bought and sold
+much--and had acquired a practical knowledge of the way things were done in
+a new country. He had been school inspector, highway commissioner,
+supervisor, and member of the legislature, and he was now judge. He did not
+know any law, except what Bates, Turtle, and other kindred pettifoggers had
+taught him--and when he shot at a case, he shot in the dark. He was right
+half of the time upon the result of chances; and that, perhaps, was doing
+as well as half the judges do, who pretend to more knowledge in the
+profession. He was a stumpy, red-headed man, and very "percussion" in his
+decisions--gave very short or no reasons for them--and like Longbow, didn't
+know a technicality from a sign-post.
+
+The law points in the appeal were first to be argued--if Turtle failed on
+them, he was then entitled to a trial on the facts.
+
+Turtle argued his law points in a pile. He flung the whole return at the
+judge in gross, playing first upon this string, and then upon that,
+abusing everybody connected with the cause but his own witnesses and
+himself, until he blew himself almost entirely out of breath.
+
+He began by flattering the court. "It was sunthin'," he said, "to have a
+county court to 'peal up to--if 'twarn't for that, he'd stop
+business--Squire Longbow had got so that la' warn't la' any more with him.
+When he first came inter the settlement, he was a pretty good justis, but
+he was as woolly as a sheep now. If he got a crotchet inter his head, you
+couldn't beat it out--he was worse now than he was afore he got married the
+second time. The cause below was killed by him--he was 'torney, and justis,
+and jury--he had 'greed to go for defendant from the start--had knock'd the
+jury inter fits by takin' Sile Bates off on't agin la'--had let folks in to
+swear that hadn't lived in the State six months, and nobody know'd whether
+they were to be believed or not; but the presumption of la' was agin
+'em--that he cuss'd him for it, but that didn't do any good--that the
+Squire drank himself, and let the jury get drunk, shocking as the fact
+might be--and yet he warn't a drunken man--rather a sober man--but it was
+done by him to fuddle the jury, and spile his cause--that he let in the
+al_might_-i-est set-off he ever _did_ hear on--the very thought on't was
+'nough to give this court spasms--and this court orter for that, if for
+nothin' else, 'point a guar-_dine_ over him--that he told him when he did
+it, that he'd foller the case to the backside of sundown, and blow him
+inter flinders, but he didn't seem to care 'bout it--that the jury _did_
+flop on the verdict, and the justis' knew it, and his return warn't worth
+shucks on that p'int"--and so on for an hour or more, until he became
+exhausted.
+
+Sile Bates rose and said, "that, 'cordin' to the return of the justice,
+Turtle's speech was a _lie_!"
+
+Mr. Turtle hurled an inkstand and contents at Bates's head, which besmeared
+him from head to foot.
+
+Mr. Bates hurled another back at him, which emptied its contents upon Mr.
+Turtle.
+
+The court called them both to order, reminding them that things were going
+too far.
+
+Mr. Bates declared "it _was_ a lie!"
+
+Mr. Turtle said "he should boot him if the word was repeated."
+
+Mr. Bates repeated the word, and was booted through the court-house door.
+
+Difficulties being settled, counsel appeared in court very amiable, covered
+with ink, ready to proceed.
+
+Mr. Turtle attempted to 'pologize to the court--"he had no 'pology for
+Bates."
+
+The court remarked that "it wasn't necessary--the doctrine of set-off would
+apply."
+
+Mr. Bates said he had no speech to make--the court knew the justice who
+made the return--if it believed him, then Turtle might as well cave.
+
+During this uproar, Philista Filkins with _her_ friends, and Charity Beadle
+with _her_ friends, each troop ranged round their counsel, were looking
+upon this war of words with the most intense anxiety. Miss Filkins had
+attired herself for the occasion in a mussy crape dress, a pinched-up hat,
+and a black shawl, being, as she said, in affliction. She declared that
+Miss Beagle tried to "spile" her character, and she felt it, for that when
+that was gone, one might as well give up, and die. She carried a deep-set
+grievance in her face, a fixed anguish, which occasionally broke up into a
+snuffle. She was sustained, however, as has been seen, in her trials, by a
+few benevolent Puddleford ladies, who had most magnanimously followed her
+and her case, reckless of time and money, and who said, "they meant to see
+the end on't, cost what it might."
+
+Miss Beadle and _her_ friends were a very different-looking tempered body.
+They were charged to the brim with acid and red pepper. They looked and
+felt lightning, and any one could see at a glance that they meant to fight
+as long as there was a hair of their friend left. It was generally
+understood that they had agreed to "throw in around" and help Miss Charity
+out, and her case had now, of course, become their case, and Bates was as
+much their lawyer as Miss Beadle's lawyer--and Turtle, when he got
+"ramptious," was jest as "sassy" to them as he was to the court, or Miss
+Beadle, they said--"and if they were not greatly mistaken, he'd see the day
+that he'd repent on't."
+
+The women who composed these two hostile factions got into several
+side-fights between themselves, what Ike called "collateral ish-ers"--and
+twitted each other of a dozen or more dead and buried slanders, which had
+for a long time been forgotten. Mrs. Bird gave Aunt Sonora a regular
+"runnin' over," as she call'd it--"a piece of her mind, that would last her
+as long as she liv'd." She told Aunt Sonora, who was one of Miss Filkins's
+body-guard, that "she was a _pretty_ old woman to come up _thar_ and try to
+screen that Filkins _critter_--_she'd better_ stick up for _her_--she was a
+_nice_ old woman--a _handsum_ old woman--a _beau_-tiful old woman--she'd
+better be home a-takin' care on her children--she'd better be a mendin' her
+husband's old breeches--it would look a great deal better. What if Filkins
+had lied as much about her, or her old man, she'd ask her that. Guess'd
+she'd make the fur fly some--guess'd she wouldn't-er stood it no longer
+than other folks--guess'd she couldn't get along without a character
+better'n other people--guess'd she hadn't got any too much to brag on,
+anyhow, if reports were true--s'pose she should rake up all she'd heer'd
+about _her_, and go tellin' it round arter everybody, where would _she_ be.
+Bah! how I hate sich folks," she continued, putting on one of her most
+contemptible faces, and spitting like a mad cat, at Aunt Sonora.
+
+Aunt Sonora was a philosopher on such occasions. She knew the storm would
+soon blow over, and that Mrs. Bird would be "round," to take tea with her,
+in less than a week--so she took a quiet pinch of snuff, and told Mrs. Bird
+in reply, that "she'd call onto the court, if she cut any more of her
+antics round her--she ought-er recollect she was in the high court, and
+they didn't 'low any flabbergastin' in sich places; she'd be in jail
+quicker'n scart first thing she know'd, and her hull pack with her, if they
+didn't keep mighty mum. She wasn't in Puddleford now, _she'd_ find, if she
+let her mouth spit bile at that rate."
+
+Mrs. Bird sobered down.
+
+Squire Longbow was also present, to see the end of this famous suit. The
+Squire usually followed his cases into the county court, "to look arter
+'em," as he said, "and to explain things." He was dressed in his best suit
+of homespun, and also had on his most dignified air. He did not even wince
+during the scathing Turtle gave him and his return, feeling perfectly sure
+that he couldn't be hurt by any country 'torney in the upper courts. He
+"ray-ther thought he was known thar." The county judge, in a very summary
+and careless manner, decided, "the p'ints Mr. Turtle had raised warn't
+good; they were all agin the return of the justis'; and he must pay respect
+to the lower courts."
+
+(Here Squire Longbow drew his pocket handkerchief and blew his nose like a
+trumpet, to call the attention of the by-standers to the decision.)
+
+He would repeat--this for the benefit of the Squire, evidently--"they were
+all agin the return of the justis', who was an old magistrate, and had did
+a great deal of business."
+
+(Here the Squire bowed his head, by way of assent, to the court.)
+
+"The court orter say, further, that Mr. Turtle's affidavit was _sworn_ to,
+and how he could have sworn to such an affidavit, right agin the return of
+the justis', was mor'n he know'd; perhaps Mr. Turtle know'd _himself_, and
+could inform the court."
+
+Mr. Turtle said that was _his_ business. Mr. Turtle spoke very short, for
+he was greatly nettled.
+
+The court said, "it didn't make any difference--it warn't neither here nor
+thar--the p'ints were all squashed, and that was his decision; costs to go
+agin Turtle."
+
+"Agin Turtle," exclaimed Ike, rising, "costs agin Turtle!"
+
+"Agin Turtle's _client_," said the court, correcting himself.
+
+"That sounds a leetle more like a court of justis'," added Ike; "but it was
+a bull-head decision, he would say that, if he rotted in jail for contempt,
+that is, if anybody could commit contempt agin such a bass-wood-headed
+court, as this had got-ter be!"
+
+A jury was now about to be impanelled to try the case between Filkins and
+Beadle a second time, and this was no small matter. The whole county had
+heard of this remarkable suit, and had talked about it, and each person had
+allied himself or herself to the parties. A very small matter will throw a
+new country into a tempest of excitement, as a very few matters of
+importance exist to get excited about. When the panel was filled, and the
+clerk had announced that fact to the court, Ike saw, or thought he saw,
+some of the most violent Beadle men in the county among the number. He had
+only two peremptory challenges, and if he could not remove some of them for
+"_cause_," as the books say, "he was gone up," as he thought to himself.
+
+Mr. Buzzlebaum, a hickory-headed farmer, with short hair, which stuck up
+all over his head like a porcupine's quills, was a very dangerous man. Ike
+knew he was a bachelor, and he had been strongly suspected of "paying some
+attention" to Miss Beadle; so Ike put a few questions to Mr. Buzzlebaum.
+
+"Mr. Buzzle_baum_," exclaimed Ike, "you a juryman in this case?"
+
+Mr. Buzzlebaum said he was.
+
+"Y--e--s," drawled Ike, "so I see," as if he had got on the panel
+fraudulently some way.
+
+"Know Miss Beadle?"
+
+"Yes!"
+
+"You do know the 'oman then?"
+
+"Yes!"
+
+"Sot up at her house any?"
+
+"Sot up!"
+
+"Yes, sot up; don't you know what that is by this time, at your time-er
+life, Mr. Buzzlebaum?"
+
+"Well, what of it?" asked Mr. Buzzlebaum.
+
+"What--of--it! Je-ru-sa-lem!" exclaimed Ike, slapping a book on the table,
+and looking fury at the court. "The man says 'what of it?'--sittin' up with
+the defendant _nights_ a-courtin' her, and then wants to know what of it?
+Wouldn't he be a pretty man to try this case?"
+
+"Sot up _where_?" inquired Buzzlebaum.
+
+"How do _I_ know where! Ever talk of marryin' the 'oman, hey?"
+
+"_Wal!_" heaved Buzzlebaum.
+
+"No wals here; you're sworn now; out with it. Didn't you tell old Soper, if
+she warn't so old and rusty-like, you'd strike, hit or miss? What, sir?"
+
+"Wal!" groaned Buzzlebaum again.
+
+"Guilty as a dog; won't answer; is a-goin'-ter die game, right inter the
+face of the court," exclaimed Ike.
+
+Mr. Buzzlebaum began to scratch his head, and just got an idea of what "sot
+up" meant, and declared, "he'd never sot up with Miss Beadle, nor nobody
+else, but he warn't goin' to answer any more questions;" and asking another
+juryman for his hat, which stood among a huddle of hats outside the
+jury-box, "leaned" for the door, amid the cries of the court, clerk, Bates,
+&c., of "hold on," "don't go," "stop him," "bring him back, sheriff," &c.
+But Buzzlebaum didn't return.
+
+The next juryman who Ike thought was "_dang_-rous," was Mr. Tumbleton.
+
+"Mr. Tumbleton," exclaimed Ike, "form'd or 'spressed any 'pinion in this
+case?"
+
+"No, sir!"
+
+"Hain't form'd _nor_ 'spressed any?"
+
+"No, sir!"
+
+"Hain't said that you hop'd the old maid would come out hunk?"
+
+"No, sir!"
+
+"Hain't said that Turtle was a jackass for pushin' on this 'ere suit?"
+
+"No, sir!"
+
+"Hain't thought he was?"
+
+"Sir?"
+
+"Pretty clus questions," said Mr. Tumbleton, balancing on one leg, and
+looking thoughtfully up at the ceiling.
+
+"Now don't you think--and haven't you _said_, that Turtle was a jackass for
+pushin' on this suit?" inquired Ike, rising from his chair.
+
+"No, sir!--haven't said any such thing."
+
+"Don't you _think_ he is, is the question, Mr. Tumbleton?"
+
+"Think you are a jackass!" repeated the juror.
+
+"Yes, sir!"
+
+"Very likely I do."
+
+Mr. Turtle submitted to the court, if that "warn't 'nough to break him from
+sittin'."
+
+Mr. Bates said, "the man show'd his good sense--best juryman on the whole
+panel."
+
+The court thought the juryman was entitled to his own opinion; it was not
+pos-i-_tive_ proof that Turtle was a jackass 'cause the juryman might have
+thought so; shouldn't drive him out the box for that.
+
+"Ever been in state-prison?" continued Turtle, resuming the examination.
+
+"S--i--r!" ejaculated Mr. Tumbleton, moving towards Ike, with his arm
+raised.
+
+"_Or_, in the county jail," added Ike, almost in time, and cocking his eye
+saucily at Mr. Tumbleton.
+
+Mr. Tumbleton rushed upon Ike, and upset him, before Ike knew that he
+really was in danger.
+
+Mr. Turtle rose in a very unruffled manner for him, and asked the court,
+"if sich a contempt as that was to go unnoticed--a reg'lar admitted 'torney
+assaulted right inter the face of the court--he moved that Mr. Tumbleton be
+confined in the log jail for twenty-four hours--out of respect to his honor
+the court."
+
+The judge ordered Mr. Tumbleton to be confined, and thus the second juror
+was disposed of.
+
+"You live up on Poverty Common--don't you?" continued Ike, as if nothing
+had happened, addressing himself to a runt of a man, who looked as if he
+had been on short feed, and who had strayed on the jury no one knew how.
+
+"Yes, I _do_," answered the man.
+
+"_Your_ name is Flummer?"
+
+"_Flum_ what?" inquired the juror.
+
+"Flum-_mer_," answered Ike, tartly.
+
+"Well, whose business is that, if it is?"
+
+"Mine," said Ike. "Wasn't old Zeb Flummer your grandfather?"
+
+"Old Zeb? yes."
+
+"Didn't old Zeb Flummer marry old Sally Beadle?"
+
+"That's what they say."
+
+"And wasn't old Sally Beadle, Charity Beadle's grandmother?"
+
+"S'pose so," said Flummer.
+
+"Well, sir, you can just step out," said Turtle; "the statert cuts you
+short-bob-off; no blood relatives sit here." And the court seemed to
+assent, and Flummer left--nine jurymen remaining in the box.
+
+Bates "knocked off" three more for "causes," leaving six; and by this time
+the first day was about exhausted. Talesmen were picked up from the
+by-standers to supply the places of the "missing," and the court adjourned.
+
+On the next day, Ike opened the cause in his best style. He gave a
+biography of Philista Filkins, and dwelt upon her ups and downs in this
+mortal life. "He _did_ s'pose, that if there ever _was_ a woman that had
+grief, and _stood_ it, too, 'twas his client, and she was nothin' but a
+woman, nuther. She lik'd to gone off with the measles when she was a child,
+and had been puny-like ever since; her father was kill'd by an oak-tree
+'fore she could do anythin' for herself, down on the Catta-_ra_-gus,
+leaving a pile of young-uns, he didn't know how many. Her father warn't
+rich, but that warn't neither here nor thar; he was honest, and paid up his
+debts afore he died, to the last cent; he was a man that struggled a good
+deal for a livin', but he got it; allers kept a stiff upper lip, as tho'
+the skies were bright, and the sailin' good. Arter he died, they were a
+most distress_ed_ family. His client, 'bout the year--'bout the year--[Ike
+stopped and scratched his head]--'bout the year--[he had forgotten when,
+and turning, exclaimed to Aunt Sonora], When in _thun_der was it that Miss
+Filkins came inter the settlement?"
+
+"_Wal_, now, let me think," answered Aunt Sonora,--"Brumijim's youngest boy
+died--died--when _did_ he die?--but no matter--but when we bought our
+brindle cow--we got her of old lame Gosander, and I recollect jist as well
+as if it was yesterday, that when my boy Jim was drivin' off that 'ere cow
+from Gosander's--one warm spring mornin'--that he tell'd me, arter he got
+home, that he met some _strang_-ers on the road--and I axed him who they
+were? And Jim said--"
+
+"When--in thunder--_was_ it?" ejaculated Ike again, who hung suspended in
+the middle of his speech, while the old lady was fogging away over the
+history of the past.
+
+"I was jist a-goin' to tell you! You needn't get so fluster'd 'bout it,"
+answered Aunt Sonora--"where was I--O, yes! Jim said, when I axed him--that
+_he_ didn't know who they were--guess'd 'twas sumbody that was movin' in to
+settle--he tell'd me that the woman had on an old legun bunnit--and
+arterwards I found out that _that_ very woman was Philista Filkins. Now
+you've got it," concluded Aunt Sonora.
+
+As Ike was no wiser than he was before, and he could not wait to
+investigate the point any further, he proceeded: "At any rate, his client
+came inter Puddleford, and had been one of the fust 'mong 'em ever sin'. He
+warn't goin' to repeat what he said afore the court below, _now_, he would
+wait 'til he summ'd up. He warn't goin' to say nothin' 'bout the unspotted
+character of his client; he warn't goin' to say nothin' 'bout the defendant
+nuther. He warn't a-goin' to say how she would lie, nor how she went around
+a-backbitin' everybody she could get a dab at; there were twenty persons
+within the sound of his voice that know'd that--that know'd the woman like
+a book."
+
+"Yes, sir-_ee_!" exclaimed a voice from the crowd, being one of Filkins'
+supporters.
+
+"Silence!" roared the court.
+
+"You hear _that_, don't you, gentle_men_? They know her like a book."
+
+"No! he warn't goin' to say anythin' 'bout the defendant now. He _might_
+say enough 'bout her to blow her sky-high; perhaps she wouldn't _steal_, he
+didn't think she would, but folks who _do_ lie, will steal; but she hadn't
+stole nothin' _yet_, as he know'd on; he warn't goin' to _say_ so 'tany
+rate;" and thus Ike rambled on for more than an hour before the jury, in
+the opening of his cause, touching upon almost everything connected with
+the rise of Puddleford, and closed by saying, "That they only claimed ten
+dollars damages; but 'twern't the money they were arter; 'twas the great
+principle; his client scorned money as pay for _her_ character; she'd never
+touch a cent on't so long as her name was Filkins--and he might as well say
+that he, as her counsel, had 'vised her to give every jot on't to some
+relig_us_ institution, or to orphin children, and she'd _do_ it too--catch
+her takin' that money!"
+
+Bates occupied about as much time as Turtle did in opening for the defence;
+the law permitting both counsel to open together, if they chose to do so;
+and he finished his speech by reading Squire Longbow's return to the jury,
+which he said was more full than anything he could say.
+
+The trial went forward. But I shall not attempt to detail the vicissitudes
+which accompanied it for two days. Every question and every answer was
+objected to, and entered by the court formally on the record. The lie was
+given backward and forward a dozen times or more; the court had often been
+obliged to interfere through the sheriff--all the witnesses on the part of
+the plaintiff were impeached by the defendant's witnesses, who swore their
+reputation for truth and veracity was bad, and that they would not believe
+them under oath; all the witnesses on the part of the defendant were also
+impeached for the same reason. Of course the reputation of the witnesses
+had been utterly destroyed before the trial came on, and long before, by
+each backbiting the other; and when the trial closed, and the arguments
+were ended, the case, if it could have been painted, would have looked very
+much like a militia training, without beginning, middle, or end, form or
+substance, and the jury were about as wise as if they just awoke from a
+hard nightmare.
+
+The court charged the jury--and _such_ a charge was never "fired off" by
+any man outside of a new country.
+
+Some hundred "p'ints of la'" had been handed up by Turtle and Bates, which
+they said must be noticed--but Turtle's law and Bates's law were in
+conflict--but each one declared that _his_ law was _the_ law--and they
+were, they said, ready, if necessary, to swear to it before any tribunal.
+
+The judge went off with his charge upon the same principle that a man fires
+an old musket into a tree, where he supposes a bird is concealed. Some of
+the shot must hit, and the rest won't do any harm, anyhow.
+
+He told the jury that _he_ had got somethin' to say now--he was the judge
+of the court, and the jury must pay special attention to what he had to
+offer. 'Torneys were paid for their talk, and the jury could believe 'em
+jest so far as they were a mind-ter and no furder--the law come from
+him--if he made a mistake in the law, it was none of the jury's business,
+that would be straightened out somewhere else, by some_body_ else. He
+would proceed now. The action was trespass.
+
+"Not by a long shot!" said Turtle, rising.
+
+"Or," continued the judge, "a-kinder trespass--it was one woman a-tryin' to
+carry away another woman's character. Now, gentlemen, there has been a
+great deal of evidence in _this_ case, and it don't all 'mount to much
+nuther--"
+
+"'Cept to that part of the charge!" exclaimed Ike. "'Don't 'mount to much
+nuther."
+
+"That is," continued the judge, "there ain't much on't to the p'int--and
+when evidence ain't to the p'int, the court will knock it outer the case,
+if a row of 'ceptions is filed as long as the moral law. Now take the
+impeaching testimony--what does that all amount to?--why just
+this:--Filkins' witnesses don't believe Beadle's witnesses, and so they
+swear--Beadle's witnesses don't believe Filkins' witnesses, and so _they_
+swear--and so the witnesses on one side are just as good as the witnesses
+on t'other side, and you must believe them _all_, just as fur, gentlemen of
+the jury, as if none of 'em had been impeached; and the court tells you so.
+Any objection to _that_, Mr. Turtle?"
+
+Turtle said nothing.
+
+"No objection to that, then. Now, then, gentlemen, the defendant below set
+off slanderous words agin slanderous words she had used agin the plaintiff,
+and I let it in agin here, and Mr. Turtle objected. Gentlemen of the jury,
+Mr. Turtle _would_ object, of course--he is 'torney for plaintiff, but I
+tell you the set-off is _law_, and I agree with Squire Longbow, who let it
+in. It was right."
+
+Squire Longbow drew his handkerchief and blew a heavy blast out of his nose
+at this compliment.
+
+"Now, then, gentlemen, slander is slander--you all know what slander is--as
+I said before, it is slander--it ain't refusing to pay one's debts--it
+ain't 'zactly takin' one's property--though character is a kinder
+property--it ain't stealin'--but--but--it is slander--if you lie 'bout me,
+'tis slander--if I lie 'bout you, 'tis slander--if anybody lies 'bout
+anybody, 'tis slander--it don't matter _what_ anybody says 'bout anybody,
+if 'tis a lie, 'tis slander. You can now see, gentlemen of the jury, what
+slander is--how the law looks at slander--how it is laid down in the books.
+This action is for slander--and if I should examine all the books, and go
+inter the hull subject fully, you would not know any more 'bout slander,
+gentlemen, than you know 'bout slander now. Any objection to that, Mr.
+Turtle?"
+
+No objection was raised.
+
+"Now, then," continued the court, "you're to look the evidence all over,
+and if you b'lieve the plaintiff has slandered the defendant--I say, _if_
+you b'lieve it--the court has its own notions on _that_ subject too--but
+'tain't for the court to say--I say, _if_ you b'lieve, gentlemen, the
+plaintiff _has_ slander'd the defendant--if you b'lieve it upon your
+oaths--you're under oath, gentlemen--you should never forget you're under
+oath, gentlemen--very solemn duty, gentlemen, you've got-to perform--I say
+_if_--after looking all the testimony all over, you b'lieve it on your
+oaths--why, then, gentlemen, the court tells you, gentlemen, that you must
+render a verdict for the plaintiff, gentlemen, you must. But if,
+gentlemen--and here comes the p'int--the great p'int for you to consider,
+gentlemen, under oath--if you b'lieve the defendant has _not_ slandered the
+plaintiff, gentlemen--it's a hard charge, slander is, gentlemen--if you
+b'lieve the defendant has not slandered the plaintiff, why, then, render
+the verdict for the defendant. Mr. Clerk, swear an officer to take charge
+of this jury."
+
+The jury retired and deliberated one day and one night--but could not
+agree. They returned into court, and were again charged on some law points,
+about which they differed, they said--they retired again, and after
+quarrelling another half a day, came into court once more, and declared
+they differed this time about the evidence. The court set them right upon
+the particular disputed point of testimony, as _he_ understood it, when
+they appeared a third time, and the foreman announced that they could not
+agree any way, and they wouldn't go out again for the court, or anybody
+else--and thus forever was ended the famous trial between Filkins and
+Beadle.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII.
+
+     Amusements in Puddleford.--The Highland Fling.--A Fire-eater
+     comes next.--Runs a Sword down his Throat.--Starts his
+     Ribbon Factory.--Borrows Squire Longbow's Hat.--Boils Eggs
+     in it.--The Squire gets into a Passion.--The Grand Caravan
+     is posted.--Squire Longbow lectures on the Lion.--Bigelow
+     Van Slyek follows on the Ichneumon--The Caravan
+     arrives.--Great Excitement.--Jim Buzzard still
+     himself.--Aunt Sonora in Trouble.--The Band blows away.--The
+     Canvas is raised.--Terrible Press of Puddlefordians.--The
+     Keeper shows up the Lion.--Explains why he has no Hair.--The
+     Ichneumon is found at last--The Monkey Ride.--Breaking up.
+
+
+The amusements of a new country are on a scale with everything else. As
+every people are set to some scale, from the most refined and luxurious, to
+the most rustic and simple, that scale is always preserved in whatever may
+exist. Puddleford was not without its public amusements. It was not beyond
+the reach of strolling vagabonds, and impudent mountebanks. These troops,
+like light, penetrate every quarter of the globe, and, of course, visited
+Puddleford.
+
+One of the first exhibitions which wormed its way among the Puddlefordians
+was made up of a drunken Irishman and a vixen of a woman, a cracked fiddle
+and a greasy fife, all of whom and which performed the "Highland fling"
+with variations and other tunes as the man declared (there were no bills),
+in full costume. The Highlander was drunk, and the woman was out of
+temper; the fiddle was crazy, and the fife could scarcely squeak. The
+performance opened with the "Highland fling," was succeeded by the
+"Highland fling," continued by the "Highland fling," and closed by a grand
+display of the "Highland fling." This exhibition being the first that ever
+found its way into the settlement, everybody was delighted. Aunt Sonora
+said, "she didn't b'lieve there war any such Highlanders--nor any such
+flings nuther--but the music was very purty, say what they would."
+
+After the Irishman and woman departed, and their memory had nearly faded
+out, a "fire-eater" came on, and positively turned Puddleford nearly
+topsy-turvy. He was certainly a most ferocious character. He boiled eggs in
+a hat, hatched chickens, ate tow, and pulled out ribbons from his mouth;
+swallowed swords, point foremost, burned all the handkerchiefs in the room,
+and restored them to their owners again; and did divers more astonishing
+things, which completely upset the brains of the Puddlefordians, and they
+began to think, before he finished, that he was fresh from the infernal
+regions, and had been sent on by Satan himself.
+
+There had never been such a crowd collected at Puddleford for any purpose
+as assembled to see the wonderful performance of this fire-eater. Mrs.
+Bird, Mrs. Longbow, Mrs. Beagle, Mrs. Swipes, Aunt Sonora, and a few more
+of the female aristocracy of Puddleford, occupied the front seats, which
+were covered with green baize, as a mark of respect and distinction. The
+background was composed of a very miscellaneous sort of people--Jim Buzzard
+being in the extreme rear, perched upon a barrel.
+
+It was exceedingly fearful to hear the screams of the women, when the
+performer had a sword half down his throat.
+
+"What is the man a-goin'-ter to do?" exclaimed Mrs. Bird.
+
+"O, murder!--mur-_der_!" screamed Aunt Sonora, jumping from her seat.
+
+"O, twitch it out quick--he's _cho_-kin'!" gasped Mrs. Swipes.
+
+"See him!--see him!" exclaimed a dozen voices at once. "Stop him!" "Run!"
+"'Tis goin' right straight inter his throat." "He's dyin'! How his eyeballs
+glare!" "Squire Longbow!--Squire Longbow!--run--run--you're a peace
+officer--don't see him die!" "There! O, dear me--'tis gone down--it's outer
+sight--he's swaller'd it _now_." "He's got it inter him, mor'n three feet
+long." "How it must cut!" "There--there!" "I see it--he's pullin' it up
+agin." "I can jest see the tip end of the handle--but there ain't no blood
+on't." "How can he get it out?" "Well, if it ain't a comin' right out, I
+wouldn't say so, handle and all!" "O, dear me--whoever heer'd of a man
+swallerin' a sword afore!" "How his in'ards must feel!" And so on, keeping
+the house in a tempest of noise and alarm.
+
+When the performer, however, began to make ready to run his "ribbon
+factory," as he called it, the women recovered from their fright, and were
+in high glee, particularly during the preliminary remarks, and during the
+tow-stuffing exercises. He was, beyond all question, a very funny man, and
+said a host of very funny things. He threw himself into many strange
+shapes, twisted his face out of form--looked gay and looked solemn by
+turns, and kept the house in a continual burst of merriment.
+
+Mrs. Bird declared "she should die a _lafin_'."
+
+Aunt Sonora said "it _did_ seem as if her sides would split right open."
+
+Mrs. Swipes said "she know'd that it _did_ beat all--he was the oddest
+critter that ever com'd into the settlement."
+
+Ike Turtle said "he was _sum_, if not more."
+
+Bates declared "he must stay over another night."
+
+Squire Longbow said but little. He sat and shook his sides. "It was as good
+as anything he ever see'd down on-ter the Susquehannas. He was so glad the
+man had come so far jist to amuse 'em a little."
+
+But when the man began deliberately to light up the tow, and to set his
+mouth all in a blaze, the screams commenced again.
+
+"He will blow up--he will blow up!" said one.
+
+"He's all-on-a fire!" another.
+
+"How the sparks do fly out of his mouth!"
+
+"'Tis fire! 'Tis _raal_ fire!"
+
+"O--d-e-a-r!"
+
+"Take him some _wa_-ter!"
+
+"I say, _mister_--mister," exclaimed Mr. Longbow, who had become really
+frightened, and who could sit still no longer, when he saw the man
+positively burning up--"Did you really mean to set that _tow_ on fire?
+Don't it _burn_, mister? Don't you want some help? I say, sir, mis-_ter_!"
+
+The man answered by blowing a stream of sparks out of his mouth straight at
+the Squire, who started back in terror, and overset Mrs. Longbow, who
+uttered an unearthly scream.
+
+The fire flickered out at last, and order was restored.
+
+This was followed by the "ribbon factory," and the man pulled a pile of
+them out of his mouth, of all sizes and colors, and scattered them around
+his feet in the most reckless manner.
+
+"Don't tromp on 'em," said Aunt Sonora.
+
+"He ought to be _keer_ful on 'em," said another.
+
+"If Whistle & Sharp only sold sich ribbons," another.
+
+"And to think," continued Mrs. Bird, "they come right out on him, too."
+
+"He keeps 'em in his _butes_," roared Turtle.
+
+"They don't come out of his _butes_ at all," said Aunt Sonora; "they're all
+in his _mouth_."
+
+"He didn't put 'em _in_ his butes," said Mrs. Swipes; "how could they come
+out on 'em?"
+
+"Put 'em in 'fore he come," said Turtle.
+
+"I say, mister," inquired Squire Longbow, who wished to settle the disputed
+point for the benefit of all, "did you put them 'are ribbons inter yer
+butes 'fore you come?"
+
+The man cocked his eye, and kept pulling away.
+
+The Squire looked indignant.
+
+"Ask him if they are raal ribbons," said Aunt Sonora.
+
+"I say, mister," stammered the Squire, again rising, "are them 'are raal
+ribbons?"
+
+The man still pulled.
+
+"Won't answer no questions!" exclaimed the Squire, and he sat down. The
+ribbon factory at last ran out.
+
+The only other exercise of importance was cooking eggs in a hat. The
+performer had borrowed the Squire's hat in the most polite way possible,
+saying, "he would confer a great favor upon him for the loan of it for a
+few moments; it would so much aid him in his feats. It was just _the_ hat
+he wanted--it was sometimes difficult for him to find just _the_ hat--but
+the Squire's hat filled his eye to a dot."
+
+Now the Squire's hat was the most remarkable hat in all Puddleford. It was
+a broad-brimmed affair, "raal beaver," he said, which he'd worn mor'n
+twenty years. He bought it down on the "Susquehannas," and had watched it
+with sacred care ever since he had owned it. He wore it on Sunday, Fourth
+of July, on town-meeting days, and on all special occasions. He kept it the
+rest of the time in a closet in the "_cham_-ber," covered with a piece of
+"ile-cloth," which was about as ancient as the hat. There was one grease
+spot on it, and only one, and there was not a man, woman, or child in the
+settlement who did not know how it "come on," for the Squire had detailed
+the circumstances that led to the catastrophe, a hundred times.
+
+The hat was set upon the floor, and the performer brought out a basket of
+eggs, and bowing gracefully, holding one in his hand at the same time, said
+he would cook a dozen in that hat, pointing to the Squire's hat
+significantly.
+
+"S-i-r!" exclaimed the Squire.
+
+"Keep easy, sir!" said the man.
+
+"In--my--hat!"
+
+"Yes, sir! in your _hat_!"
+
+"In my _beaver_ hat?"
+
+"Yes, sir!"
+
+"Cook _eggs_?"
+
+"Yes, sir! _Cook_ 'em!"
+
+"That hat!"
+
+"Yes, sir! I say _that_ hat!"
+
+"Down in front!" exclaimed Turtle; "can't see."
+
+"That hat!" gasped the Squire again.
+
+"He's gummin' you," roared Turtle; "can't cook eggs in a hat. Down in
+front!"
+
+Squire Longbow was very much excited, and had turned very red in the face.
+He could not help but think what his first wife would say if she was
+there--what she would say if she saw that hat with eggs "a-bilin'" in
+it--but perhaps the showman was "a-tryin'" to scare him, as Turtle said--he
+would wait a little and watch him closely.
+
+"And now," said the performer, "examine this egg--it is a real egg--and now
+you see me break it--and now it is broke--and now," cracking it apart with
+his thumb nails, and looking down into the Squire's hat--"there _it goes_!"
+
+"Twenty-five dollars! twenty-five dollars for that!" ejaculated the Squire,
+filled with fury, and jumping towards the performer, with his fist doubled,
+and his teeth firm set. "You're a great scoundrel, sir--you _borrow'd_ that
+hat, sir--you borrowed it of me, sir--it is _my_ hat, sir, that you've got,
+sir--my name is Longbow, sir--_Squire_ Longbow, sir--that's my beaver hat,
+sir--twenty years old, sir--cost ten dollars, sir!"
+
+"And there goes another," continued the performer, amid the stamping and
+roars of the audience, popping another egg into the Squire's hat, in the
+coolest manner possible, disregarding the tempest around him.
+
+"I call upon Mr. Turtle to witness!" continued the Squire; "I'll ish-er a
+warrant for you, sir--I'll have you up, sir--before _me_, sir--you can't
+_pay_ me for that 'ere hat, sir--you'll be imprison'd--you'll go to jail,
+sir--you won't spile any more people's hats, sir--you won't bile eggs,
+arter this, sir--it's your last bilin', sir--"
+
+By this time the smoke was rising out of the Squire's hat and curling away
+towards the ceiling, and the smell of cooked eggs was waxing strong in the
+nostrils, and the hat, so they all said, was "gone for sartin."
+
+"La!" exclaimed Aunt Sonora, as she saw the fate of the hat, "what wicked
+critters these performers are; sit right down and burn up a hat--a-bilin'
+eggs in it!"
+
+The performer returned Squire Longbow's hat, after he had concluded his
+wonderful experiment of cooking eggs, but the old man looked upon it with
+suspicion. He turned it over and over, and smelled of it, but declared, at
+last, that it was his old beaver, and jest as good as new; whereupon he
+apologized for his getting into a passion, and gave as a reason, that it
+"was the first time he ever saw the trick done--but now he know'd the man
+was a gentleman, every inch on him."
+
+But the most remarkable exhibition that ever fell upon Puddleford occurred
+after this. A caravan of wild animals, about the autumnal days, took
+Puddleford in its way. It was called the _grand_ caravan. Quite a flaming
+poster preceded the animals themselves. The bill was indeed a very
+attractive-looking affair. There was a lion and a tiger painted on it, at a
+dead lock. The lion, it appeared, had opened the tiger's bowels, and the
+tiger had opened the lion's bowels--the lion had torn the tiger's head, and
+the tiger had torn the lion's head--these two furious beasts seemed to be
+about on an equal footing. An elephant was also portrayed in a very stately
+manner, carrying a house full of people on his back, who were armed to the
+teeth, for some unknown purpose, and who also supported a stern-looking
+gentleman, seated upon his tusks, who carried a long pole in his hand.
+Monkeys of all sizes were scattered around the picture. Some climbing
+trees, some chattering higher up in the branches, and some cutting curious
+antics, evidently for the gratuitous amusement of the public who might
+choose to look on. This bill was posted up at the Eagle, and it created a
+very great excitement throughout Puddleford and the adjacent country.
+Scores of people came in from "round about," to wonder over and digest this
+wonderful "picter." Aunt Sonora, Mrs. Swipes, Mrs. Bird, Mrs. Beagle, Mrs.
+Longbow, and their husbands, the "Colonel," Bigelow Van Slyck, Jim Buzzard,
+and scores of ragged children, pressed into the bar-room, day after day,
+and "Oh'd" and "Ah'd" over it. All kinds of comments were made by the
+multitude. The origin, history, habits, and ferocity of the animals were
+sagely discussed and settled. Squire Longbow, among the rest, told
+wonderful stories about the "roar" of the lion--how he "shak't the whole
+woods, when he got his wrath up, and made all the other animals run and
+hide themselves--he said they'd all have to stop their ears if that feller
+(pointing to the said lion on the show-bill) giv' 'em a blast--he heer'd
+one roar onct, down onter the Susquehannas, and he shouldn't forget it the
+longest day _he_ lived."
+
+Aunt Sonora inquired of Squire Longbow, "where lions came from, and how
+they got 'em here, and if they were _dang_-rous animals, and would bite
+people."
+
+The Squire drew a long a-hem! stretched out his legs, and looked very wise,
+for he thought if there was anything that he _did_ know about, it was about
+lions. He recollected just how that lion looked that he saw down on the
+Susquehannas. He knew, too, that there was no other person in Puddleford
+that could throw any light upon the subject of lions. So the Squire began
+in the most profound manner to answer Aunt Sonora. "The lion," said the
+Squire, "the great African lion--jist sich a lion as you see on that 'ere
+bill--inasmuch as you have axed me, I tell you, comes from the jungles of
+the torrid zone."
+
+Mr. Bates wanted to know what "a jungle was, while he was about his lion
+story?"
+
+"A jungle--a jungle," continued the Squire, coughing in his embarrassment;
+"a jungle--is--a--place--a kind-er cave, where the lions go, deep inter the
+airth, and where they can growl and roar, without disturbin' anybody."
+
+"Inter the _airth_?" exclaimed Turtle; "how do they catch 'em, then?"
+
+"How do they ketch 'em?--how do they ketch 'em?" exclaimed the Squire; "how
+do _I_ know?--how can _I_ tell?--_I've_ never been in Africa--I was only
+tellin' how the lions liv'd."
+
+Mrs. Bird asked the Squire what the lions ate?
+
+"Anything they can get," answered the Squire, very philosophically; "they
+ain't 'tall particular."
+
+"Don't eat grass, do they?"
+
+The Squire said he "shouldn't be s'prised if they did."
+
+"Do they eat up men and women?"
+
+"_Wal_," answered the Squire, "to tell you the plain truth, I s'pose they
+do."
+
+"O Lordy!" exclaimed Mrs. Bird. "Ugh! how he looks!"
+
+During all this time the young Puddlefordians, dirty and barefooted, who
+had crowded themselves into a corner in a distant part of the room, were
+filled with terror during the Squire's sage remarks, and fairly trembled
+for their safety.
+
+Jim Buzzard took occasion to say that "he s'posed the an-_er_-mals _would_
+bite, but he warn't goin' to be scart, if they had 'em fasten'd in
+cages--but if they were goin' ter run loose, he'd be gaul-blasted if they
+seed him round thar when they com'd--he'd jest let 'em know he warn't
+a-goin' to be eat up by their lions and elephuntses--he didn't care nothin'
+'bout their monkeys--he warn't 'fraid of them, nohow--but them 'are
+lions--what _teeth_ they have got--O! mighty!--guess'd they wouldn't ketch
+him round them grinders."
+
+The bill, among other startling announcements, declared that "the
+celebrated animal mentioned in Holy Writ, and now known as the Ichneumon,"
+would be exhibited--that it was the first time any company had ever
+succeeded in carrying him so far into the interior, as he was very partial
+to salt water, and suffered very much, and grew very faint and weak, when
+removed any distance away from it.
+
+The showman had been very careful not to furnish a picture of the
+Ichneumon, whose peculiarities had been so vividly portrayed in print, and
+the Puddlefordians were in great doubt about his real appearance. There
+were many curious speculations, and sage reflections indulged in by the
+more learned portion of the crowd, about his origin and history. It was
+very difficult, in the first place, to pronounce his name.
+
+Bigelow Van Slyck, who was a host at Puddleford in philology, attempted to
+give the most correct pronunciation of the word. It was "_Ich_, something,"
+he said--"probably the whole word was taken from Ich--and that was an
+animal that scratched himself--and yet he didn't believe this animal had
+any hair--and it was only hairy animals that _did_ scratch themselves--and
+the reason why he thought the animal hadn't any hair, was, that he must be
+a salt-water animal--for the bill said he was mentioned in Holy Writ--and
+also, that he couldn't live away from salt-water. He thought he knew
+_sun_-thin' 'bout Holy Writ--he _thought_ he did--and sunthin' 'bout
+animals, too--and if _he_ was to give his opinion, he should say the
+Ichneumon was the great Le-_vi_-a-_thern_, that went into the mighty deep!"
+(Here Bigelow raised upon his toes, and spread out his arms, as if to show
+the crowd how big the great Le-_vi_-a-_thern_ was.)
+
+Bigelow's oration produced a very solemn effect on the Puddlefordians. The
+idea that the great Leviathan, of Holy Writ, was really coming into their
+midst, was a most astounding thought to every man, woman, and child
+present.
+
+Mrs. Longbow, who was a member of Bigelow's church, as has been seen,
+wanted to know "in what part of Holy Writ that 'are Ich-what-do-ye-call-it
+was found?"
+
+Bigelow said it was somewhere--he couldn't 'zactly tell--it was either in
+the _Old_ or _New_ Testament, he was very--"_sar_tin."
+
+Mrs. Longbow said "she'd never see'd it."
+
+Bigelow said "he'd never seen him nuther."
+
+Mrs. Longbow explained--"she'd never seen the animal in the _Holy Writ_."
+
+Bigelow thought, "if she'd look, she'd find it."
+
+Mrs. Longbow said "she'd look now."
+
+Bigelow said "he hadn't time _now_, but he'd look it up by next Sunday, and
+preach on't."
+
+Turtle, who had been carefully watching Bigelow in his attempt to identify
+the Ichneumon, and who had great respect for his opinion in all matters
+connected with Holy Writ, thought he discovered a flaw in the argument. He
+would "jest like to know how they could carry around a salt-water animal on
+land?"
+
+Bigelow said "he warn't alive--he was stuff'd. It didn't say the celebrated
+_live_ animal called the Ichneumen."
+
+"But it did say," replied Turtle, "that it was the first time they had
+succeeded in carrying the animal so far in the interior."
+
+Bigelow was a little puzzled at this--but said, "he s'posed it was in great
+danger of being stolen--but at any rate, the Ichneumen was the great
+Levia_thern_, or some other--very--strange--animal,--_that_ he was sure
+of."
+
+Squire Longbow, who had listened in the most dignified manner to all that
+Bigelow had said, heaved a long sigh at his last remark, and declared that
+Bigelow had, in his opinion, "s'plained the whole thing--and 'twas clear
+'nough to him that the Ich-nu-men was the Viathen--'tany rate, he know'd
+the Viathen was the Ich-nu-men."
+
+The excitement was very great from the time the bill was posted until the
+grand caravan actually arrived. Very little else was talked about, or
+thought of in Puddleford, and the region round about. Every business, and
+every domestic and social arrangement had reference to the coming event.
+Squire Longbow had declared, two weeks before the day fixed for the
+performance, that no law business would be done in his office on show-day.
+Turtle had issued a similar proclamation. Important financial arrangements
+were everywhere matured to enable the Puddlefordians to "raise the wind,"
+so they might procure an entrance behind the canvas. The draft of ready
+money upon the people threatened to be very disastrous, for the admission
+was two shillings per head, children half price--cash down.
+
+The caravan was expected to arrive at about ten o'clock in the forenoon.
+But the mighty multitude, who had some distance to travel, packed and
+provisioned, and started on their way the day previous. Everybody was
+determined to be on the ground when the first blow was struck. The morning
+of the long-looked for period presented a spectacle more stirring and
+sublime than anything which had ever been before known. Every man, woman,
+and child was dressed in his or her best. Many had strained a point, and
+appeared in a style so rich that they were scarcely known by their best
+friends. And then, too, every person appeared to be so full of good humor
+and smiles, that it really seemed to be the only desire of all to make each
+other happy. Squire Longbow shone like a dollar. The old homespun coat and
+beaver hat wore a new brightness about them; and, what was very unusual for
+the Squire, he had procured a new hickory cane, and had cut "Longbow" upon
+it, which very much added to his dignity. Turtle had actually mounted a
+clean collar, which was one of the most remarkable occurrences of the
+season. Jim Buzzard, however, had not met with any change, outwardly or
+inwardly. He wore the same hat, coat, and boots that were found with him
+when he was first seen sunning himself on a dry-goods box, one morning, in
+the streets of Puddleford. The hat was a little more jammed up, and the
+boots gaped a little wider--but he was still the same Jim Buzzard, and they
+were still the same hat and boots. They bade fair to last as long as he
+did. His garments seemed to have grown _to_ him, and to have become a part
+_of_ him--to have formed a sort of attachment for him, and he really looked
+as if he had been born with these very clothes on.
+
+Jim sauntered around and said nothing. Sometimes he might be seen perched
+away off by himself upon a post, overlooking the crowd--sometimes stretched
+out on a box in the sun, snoring, and making ready for the coming occasion.
+He knew he would get in. He had no money, but he was a philosopher. He let
+matters take care of themselves, and as he had always been provided for, he
+felt perfectly satisfied that he always would be.
+
+Everybody inquired very particularly about everybody's family on that day;
+and why shouldn't everybody inquire about everybody's family, for it was
+the day of the great caravan, and everybody was of course overflowing with
+joy. Mrs. Longbow assured Aunt Sonora, that "she would sartinly call on her
+the very next afternoon;" and Aunt Sonora apologized for not having dropp'd
+in to take tea with Mrs. Longbow, long afore. Mrs. Bird went so far as to
+inquire of Mr. Longbow, "how his cousins," which she said she had heer'd
+on, were gettin' along down on the Susquehannas--the only time before or
+since that the old lady ever alluded to the Squire's cousins, down on the
+Susquehannas, or anywhere else.
+
+The grand caravan at last appeared in the distance, preceded by a cloud of
+dust, and heralded by distant strains of music. The shock was
+electrical--the rush was immense. The boys ran, and turned somersets--the
+men ran after the boys, and the women ran after the men. Jim Buzzard,
+disturbed by the "noise and confusion," actually rolled off a box, where he
+was dozing; crawled to his feet, and rubbed his eyes open with his fist.
+The jam was really terrific--women lost portions of their dresses, men's
+hats flew off, and somehow, in the hurly-burly and jam, Squire Longbow
+missed his beaver hat, cane, and eye-shade. The Squire was in great mental
+excitement, as well as in bodily danger. He panted for breath, and plodded
+on the best way he could. Even a man of his distinction was not regarded on
+that day. Among other trials and reverses, he found himself separated from
+Mrs. Longbow, who, for anything he knew, was "trampled to death,"
+somewhere; and with one eye on the grand caravan, and the other (the blind
+one) looking after his second wife, he hurried along, muttering to himself
+like some mad animal. He was dashed on to Mr. Turtle in his progress, and
+nearly upset that respectable legal gentleman. Mr. Turtle rose, filled with
+wrath, and with drawn fist, and just saw his mistake in time before the
+blow descended. "O, it's _you_, Squire!" said Mr. Turtle. Squire Longbow
+asked Mr. Turtle where his wife was? Mr. Turtle, very much excited, said
+something which the Squire did not understand, and pointed nowhere in
+particular, and then bounded on after the grand caravan. The Squire, after
+twisting and turning, and panting and blowing, and after having overturned
+three or four innocent women, who happened to be in his way, found himself
+at last out of the rush, in the corner of a rail fence, blowing his flushed
+face with his best cotton handkerchief. When he came to himself, he began
+to think. He recollected that he was a magistrate yet, and if anybody
+_should_ steal his hat, cane, or his eye-shade, he muttered, "he'd bring
+'em afore him by daylight next morning, he would--he'd have some kinder la'
+in town, if _'twas_ caravan day."
+
+The fate of Aunt Sonora was about as melancholy as that of the Squire. She
+was somehow drawn into the tide, and as the good old lady could not move
+fast, the current that passed her on each side rolled her round and round,
+as she stood, first one way and then the other, until she became completely
+peeled of her outer clothes. Cries were jerked out of her in a spasmodic
+way, as she could catch her breath. "Massy--massy! O, massy--me!
+I'm--k-i-l-l-'d!" and many more heart-rending exclamations she uttered; but
+it was the great caravan that was coming, and she was neither heard nor
+heeded. When she escaped, she looked as if she had been plucked of all her
+feathers; she, however, quietly slid into the house of Mrs. Longbow, which
+was near by, for repairs. When she found herself able to speak, she
+declared, "if _that_ was the _way_ the caravan was a-goin' to use folks,
+she hop'd _lite_-ning would strike 'em 'fore they got out-er the
+settlement--they'd sp'ilt her shillin' caliker dress, and she wouldn't gin
+it for all the monkeys the confounded consarn had."
+
+But the caravan moved on regardless of accidents, and the music grew
+stronger and stronger, as it approached nearer and nearer; and as the
+breeze cast aside the dust, men, and horses, and wagons were seen moving
+forward, solemnly preceded by an elephant, which carried a stately looking
+gentleman upon his tusks, according to the representation on the bill. As
+the procession approached the village, its extent and magnificence began to
+dwindle. Alas! three wagons and one sickly-looking elephant comprised the
+whole affair. The people were evidently very much disappointed. The bill
+was a very large bill, and they did not see how it was possible for the few
+vehicles that came into town, to hold all the live stock which had been
+promised.
+
+Squire Longbow still stood in the corner of the rail fence, looking out for
+the lion, for he had pledged his reputation to the Puddlefordians that the
+lion should be all that he had promised. He didn't know whether he would
+come on foot or not, housed or open; but the Squire saw no lion, nor any
+place for one.
+
+Bigelow was busy sharply scenting out the "_Ich_-nu-men, celebrated in Holy
+Writ," as the bill declared. He felt it to be his duty to take a kind of
+guardianship over the Ich-nu-men, while he might favor Puddleford with his
+presence, because he _was_ associated with Holy Writ; but Bigelow could not
+find him anywhere, living or dead, kicking or stuffed. He was much
+disappointed, but took courage from the hope that he was shut up from
+vulgar gaze in one of the strong cages.
+
+The musicians still blowed their blast, as the cavalcade wound its way
+through the principal streets. The bill declared that the band was the
+celebrated "Boston Band," led by Monsieur Huzzleguget, and, according to
+_that_, it was composed of some twenty-four performers, drawn by six fiery
+steeds, attached to a Grecian chariot, driven by one elegant-looking
+gentleman, heavily whiskered, who must have been some six feet high; but,
+alas! the band itself that led on the animals through the streets of
+Puddleford consisted of only four seedy-looking performers, who carried
+three rusty copper horns and a bass drum, which was beat by a
+melancholy-looking boy. The three horn-men had blown their faces as round
+as pumpkins, and as red, too; or something besides wind, perhaps, had blown
+the color into their faces, for they occasionally took something to drink,
+during the heat of the exercises, from a bottle which they kept under the
+seat of the chariot.
+
+The chariot was a large high-boarded wagon, and painted red, and was drawn
+by a couple of jaded "tugs," who showed plainly enough that their days were
+fast drawing to a close. But the music still blowed, and the procession
+moved on, and the Puddlefordians were as much delighted as if the
+proclamation had been fully realized.
+
+Up went the canvas, and the show prepared to open. The hurry to enter was
+most marvellous--such a crowd Puddleford never saw before. Even Squire
+Longbow could not wait until the doors were actually opened. He was
+bewitched to see the great African lion. The Squire, as a peace-officer,
+ordered the crowd to keep back, in reality for the purpose of giving him
+and Mrs. Longbow a better chance; but the Squire's commands were entirely
+disregarded; he had sunk down to the level of a mere citizen; he was
+stripped of all his power; it was the great caravan day, and who cared for
+a justice of the peace on such an occasion?
+
+Aunt Sonora having repaired the disasters of the forenoon, had determined
+to see the fun out. She had put on her "'t'other frock," and looked as
+well as she did before she had been peeled through the morning multitude.
+The doors were opened at last, and the "rush" entered, and in a few moments
+the canvas was alive with human beings. The grand caravan now on exhibition
+was originally the fag-end of a large concern, which had been bought up by
+sharpers to swindle the people. I say, originally, because this fag-end had
+been divided up into three smaller fag-ends which were out in different
+parts of the new country scouring around for money. The Puddleford fag-end
+had a runt of a lion, who was very evidently on his last legs; for he had
+been travelled until his hair was worn entirely off, and his spirits
+exhausted. It was very clear that he was showing himself for about the last
+time. The elephant was diseased, and the tiger was about four times the
+size of a cat. There were three dirty-looking monkeys in a cage eating
+crackers and hickory nuts, and chatting and throwing shucks through the
+bars at the gaping crowd--an ichneumon--a black bear, the only hearty
+fellow in the concern--and a mussy-looking ostrich, who had lost his
+tail-feathers in his peregrinations through the globe. This was _the_
+caravan.
+
+Aunt Sonora entered, trembling.--"Dear me! dear me! dear me!" she uttered
+to herself as she went in; "and so this is really the great caravan; if the
+animals should get loose--and there--O, there--is that the lion!" she
+exclaimed involuntarily to those around her, starting back, as she saw the
+bars of a cage in the distance,--"are them bars iron?" she exclaimed,
+looking frightened.
+
+"Walk up! walk up!" exclaimed the keeper, as he saw several persons
+standing back; "the lion is one of the most docile animals we have, ladies
+and gentlemen; he never bites, ladies and gentlemen; got him in a strong
+cage; walk up, ladies and gentlemen, and see the _li_-on, the monarch of
+the forest, as he is called."
+
+"How his eyeballs glare!" exclaimed Aunt Sonora, disregarding the peaceful
+proclamation of the keeper, as the great African lion looked up lazily, and
+brushed a fly from his nose with his fore-paw.
+
+"This African lion, ladies and gentlemen," continued the keeper, "is
+fourteen years old; was caught in the great jungles of Ethiopia, by
+throwing a _large_ rope around _his_ neck when he was _a_-sleeping, ladies
+and gentlemen; he floundered a good deal, ladies and gentlemen, but he was
+caught and brought away to the shores of Ameri-_ca_, where he has been ever
+since. Nobody need be afear'd, for he never breaks out of his cage, and
+always minds his keeper. Walk up _clo_-ser and look at the animal, ladies
+and gentlemen." Here the keeper struck the iron bars of the cage a heavy
+blow with a stick which he carried, but the great African lion took no
+notice of it.
+
+"Don't be skeer'd," exclaimed Mrs. Swipes, who had listened attentively to
+the assurances of the keeper, addressing herself to Miss Lavinia Longbow,
+whom she held between herself and the great African lion, as a precaution;
+"don't be skeer'd, he's one of the most docil_est_ animals in the whole
+caravan, the keeper says; push along. Don't be skeer'd; go right up to
+where he is a-lying."
+
+"This," exclaimed Squire Longbow, in a loud tone of voice, to a host of
+Puddlefordians who had gathered around him for protection; "this is the
+great lion I tell'd you about; he ain't so large as the one I onct saw
+down onter the Susquehannas. Can he roar any, Mr. Keeper?" continued the
+Squire, turning solemnly, and addressing himself to that august personage
+with his usual dignity.
+
+"He's a perfect roarer, ladies and gentlemen!" answered the keeper; "but
+the lion don't roar at this time of the year--you don't understand the
+nater of the animal--he loses his voice during the latter part of the
+season. You ought to have heard him last spring, when he was in the roaring
+mood, ladies and gentlemen."
+
+"Bless us!" exclaimed Aunt Sonora.
+
+"Frightened the children half to death," said the keeper.
+
+"The great--African lion," muttered Aunt Sonora.
+
+"But he won't _roar_ now, ladies and gentlemen--walk up, walk up!"
+
+"Com'd from the jungles, I s'pose," inquired the Squire, with much gravity.
+
+"Caught right _in_ a jungle," said the keeper.
+
+"Jest as I told you!" said the Squire, turning around to his friends.
+
+"Has he got _claws_?" inquired Aunt Sonora.
+
+"_Claws!_" exclaimed the keeper, looking astonished; "the great--African
+lion--got claws? Bless you! why he's _all_ claws and teeth; let me show
+them to you;" and the keeper ran his arm into the cage, in the act of
+pulling out one of the paws of the ferocious beast; when all Puddleford
+started with a rush for the door, mingled with screams that were most
+heart-rending.
+
+"Never mind," said the keeper, who had become affected by the terror around
+him; "we won't show the lion's claws now."
+
+Order being restored, Mrs. Bird wanted to know why the lion "hadn't got any
+_har_?"
+
+"Any _what_?" inquired the keeper, peering through the crowd to find where
+the voice came from, and what it said.
+
+"Any _har_, Mr. Keeper."
+
+"Ah! O, yes--any _hair_--I see--it is a _lady_ who makes the inquiry. Why
+the animal hasn't got any hair? Yes, yes, very proper inquiry. We like to
+answer such questions, or _any_ questions. These animals are great
+curiosities; and we travel for the instruction of the people. Why the
+animal hasn't got any hair? Put all the questions you can think of, ladies
+and gentlemen. The animal _hasn't_ got any hair just now. Well, ladies and
+gentlemen, he has just shed his coat--the lion is the monarch of the
+forest--_he_ sheds _his_ coat in the fall of the year, ladies and
+gentlemen; _he's_ from Africa, where the animals shed their coats at a
+different season from the animals in this country; and the lion does just
+as he would do if he were in Africa now, ladies and gentlemen. A very
+proper question that, ladies and gentlemen; the lion is a wonderful
+beast--the most wonderful beast, ladies and gentlemen, we have. Any more
+questions? He has shed his coat, you see; looks bad just now. A sight at
+the lion alone is worth the whole admission money. Any more questions?"
+
+Mrs. Bird wanted to know of the keeper if he couldn't make him "snap and
+snarl a little."
+
+As the lion could scarcely stand upon his legs, the request of Mrs. Bird
+rather took the keeper aback for a moment. But he recovered himself and
+proceeded. He said he _could_ do it--_did_ do it sometimes--but he didn't
+like to do it. "You see, ladies and gentlemen, that he is very docile now;
+resting _very_ quiet; nothing disturbs him; but if he should get once
+roused up, there is no knowing what he would do; I have stirred him up upon
+particular request, but I never do it of my own accord, ladies and
+gentlemen. We don't propose to do any such thing on our bills; we don't
+like to do such a thing; but we always mean to satisfy the public, ladies
+and gentlemen." Here the keeper started for a long pole with a sharp spike
+in the end of it, and returning with it in his hand, announced, "I will now
+make the great African lion foam and rage, and gnash his teeth."
+
+A scream of terror went up from the whole multitude, filled with broken
+ejaculations. "Murder!" "Don't!" "Let me out!" "Stop him!" and everybody
+rushed in the wildest confusion a second time for the door.
+
+The keeper laid down his pole, and calmed the crowd.
+
+The exercises connected with the lion now closed. Turtle took advantage of
+the interregnum to make an inquiry of his own. He had in his possession the
+flaming poster that had so long hung at the Eagle, and amused and
+astonished the Puddlefordians, and slowly unfolding it, he caught the eye
+of the keeper, as he held it out at full length, and wished to know where
+"all the monkeys were that were put on to that 'ere bill?"
+
+The keeper pointed to the monkeys' cage, where the three were, still
+chewing nuts and crackers, and chattering and bobbing from one side to the
+other.
+
+"Je-hos-a-phat!" exclaimed Turtle, "them _ar'_ ain't these 'ere
+monkeys--there ain't but three on 'em, nuther, and they ain't climbing
+trees, as these are--Je-hos-a-phat!--are _them_ your monkeys, Mr. Keeper?"
+
+The keeper said "he would explain. They were the same monkeys that the
+gentleman found on the bill; the same monkeys in different attitudes. That
+monkey, for instance, ladies and gentlemen," continued the keeper, pointing
+his stick at a gray-bearded one in the cage, who was just then intently at
+work pulling a sliver out of his foot, "that monkey is represented four or
+five times on the bill in different forms, ladies and gentlemen; jumping
+here, and climbing there, ladies and gentlemen; and in other places
+performing those wonderful and curious feats that the monkey only _can_
+perform. Will the gentleman show the bill for the benefit of all? (Ike held
+up the bill over his head.) Now, ladies and gentlemen, look at the bill,
+and then look at the monkey. These bills are printed for the instruction of
+the people; it gives them a knowledge of natural history. That monkey can
+do anything that we have represented on our bill; or, rather, monkeys in
+their native woods do all these things; but the woods we cannot carry
+around with us, ladies and gentlemen; and so we give it to you on our
+bills. (Hold the bill a little higher, if you please, sir.) There you see
+the monkey as he is--next thing to a man, ladies and gentlemen. Study the
+monkey; he's an as-_ton_-ishing animal; very different from the lion there;
+wherever we go, the _mon_-keys are admired. Any more questions, ladies and
+gentlemen?"
+
+Turtle said "he b'lieved he shouldn't ask any more questions."
+
+Bigelow Van Slyck had not yet seen "that wonderful animal mentioned in Holy
+Writ, and now known as the Ichneumon." He had walked the whole caravan over
+and over a dozen times, but the Ichneumon was nowhere to be seen.
+
+He inquired, at last, of the keeper, "where he kept his Ichneumon."
+
+"Certainly," answered the keeper in the most amiable manner possible,
+leading the way to a little cage on the ground, where he had an animal
+housed about the size of a small dog.
+
+"There," exclaimed the keeper, "is the sacred quadruped now known as the
+Ichneumon."
+
+Bigelow ran his hands into his breeches-pockets and looked down very
+reverently upon the little fellow.
+
+"Spoken of in Holy Writ?" repeated Bigelow.
+
+"Often," said the keeper.
+
+"Old Testament, probably," said Bigelow.
+
+"Most probably," replied the keeper.
+
+Bigelow took another long look.
+
+"And he's alive, too," said Bigelow, drawing a long breath.
+
+"But it costs a great deal of money," answered the keeper, "to preserve his
+life--most _expensive_ animal we have--bathe him in salt water three times
+a day."
+
+"Mi-_rac_-ulous!" said Bigelow.
+
+"Treat him very tenderly," continued the keeper; "liable to lose him any
+moment; cost a great sum; but we don't mind that--it is our business--we
+_will_ satisfy the public."
+
+Bigelow introduced Mrs. Bird, Mrs. Swipes, and Mrs. Longbow to the
+Ichneumon, who did not happen to be present and hear the keeper's remarks,
+and repeated in low breath the information which he had just derived, with
+suitable and appropriate remarks of his own. For his part, he said, he was
+paid. He had seen the sacred animal called the Ichneumon; and he managed to
+weave him into a sermon which he preached some weeks afterwards, in which
+he identified him as clearly as he did when inspecting the poster at the
+Eagle.
+
+Jim Buzzard was present during all the exercises. He crawled in under the
+canvas at rather a late hour, but appeared in time to see all that was to
+be seen. He made very few comments upon the animals. He took a very long
+look at the elephant, who seemed to just strike his fancy. Jim was a
+picture, and so was the elephant. As he stood in rags gaping at the
+monster, it seemed as if he was magnetized to the ground. He examined him
+up and down, looked under him, and over him, and at last, after having
+digested all there was about him, he scratched his head and said, "O,
+Gosh!"
+
+But all things must have an end, and the grand caravan, in time, came to
+its end. The last performance, which was intended as the climax to the
+whole day's proceedings, and which had been looked forward to by the
+Puddlefordians with the most enthusiastic feeling, was the "ostrich and
+monkey ride." The poster had painted this affair in shining colors, and it
+was finally announced by the keeper, amid a tempest of applause. It is not
+in my power to describe this ride. The monkey rode the ostrich, as
+promised, carrying a whip in his hand--and then the monkey took another
+round on the ostrich, carrying something else--and then again and again,
+each time under renewed and stronger vociferations from the multitude,
+until I really began to think that the monkey and ostrich were certain to
+transport the crowd into hysterics, and cover themselves with immortal
+glory.
+
+When the afternoon shadows began to lengthen over the green, the tent,
+which had so recently gone up by magic, as suddenly dissolved, and the
+people dissolved too. The show was over, and there were scores of people
+who were twenty or thirty miles from home, jaded and nearly out of money.
+Puddleford was in an uproar in the general preparation for a departure. The
+showmen were packing their monkeys, ostrich, and ichneumon, temporarily
+hobbling their elephant, and counting up the proceeds of the day, and
+making ready for a fresh swindle upon some adjacent town. The women were
+dealing out gingerbread to squalling children to fortify their stomachs
+against the journey of the night. The men were settling up their bills at
+the Eagle; and all was bustle and commotion.
+
+Aunt Sonora hurried home and "took a nap;" she had passed _such_ a day;
+"was," as she said, "nearly killed in the morning, and skeer'd to death in
+the arternoon, that it seemed as if she should fly off the handle; her head
+danc'd round like a top; see if they could catch her at any more of their
+powwows; their lions and their monkeys might go to grass, for all her;
+she'd not look at 'em agin; that's what she wouldn't--there warn't nothin'
+so grand 'bout 'em, arter all, as folks tell'd on--she wouldn't use up
+herself agin for any such strolling critters--not she."
+
+The procession formed in a line, just at twilight, to take its farewell. A
+knot of urchins, and twenty or more Puddlefordians, were all that were left
+of the pride and pomp of the morning to see them safely on their way. The
+band struck up a lively air, the wagons moved forward, and soon had wound
+away out of sight; and all settled down again into the most profound
+tranquillity.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV.
+
+     The Tinkhams arrive.--Great Stir.--Miss Lavinia Longbow's
+     Head is turned.--Everybody in Love with the Tinkhams.--Wind
+     changes.--The Tinkhams fall.--The whole Pack out on
+     them.--They abandon the Settlement.
+
+
+It is remarkable how the people of a new country run in fixed channels of
+thought and action. That this is true of an old one where ages have
+hardened down and vitrified a long train of habits, is not so wonderful.
+Puddleford was in the gristle, it was true, and had not as yet made any
+permanent development. But even in its gristle, it had its laws--temporary,
+of course, but laws, nevertheless, which were as unbending as iron, while
+they lasted.
+
+No person was permitted to outstrip his neighbor in any of the luxuries or
+refinements of social life. Any attempt at such a piece of ambition was
+regarded as a kind of premeditated insult upon the whole town. It was never
+for a moment supposed that a Puddlefordian could act without some hidden
+motive, maliciously directed against those who were not in any way
+connected with his personal affairs. The pride of a new country is most
+marvellous. The less wealth, or the less education, or the less of the
+luxuries of life, which such a people may possess, the more tender they are
+upon those very deprivations. In one sense, again, not a particle of pride
+could be found lingering in all Puddleford. This pride was the source of
+the most unrelenting jealousy.
+
+Mrs. Longbow never bought a new calico without being agitated. She knew
+that not only the calico, but herself, too, in connection with such a bold
+enterprise, must necessarily pass in review before all the women of the
+place. And she also knew that not unfrequently it happened that very
+improper motives were attributed. The calico might have been purchased to
+cast a slur upon some one else--a way taken by her to "let people know what
+some folks could do, and what other people could not do,"--a kind of open
+triumph, maliciously intended to humble the pride, and sneer at the poverty
+of another, who dare not venture upon such an outlay of money--and Mrs.
+Longbow knew and felt that it was as much as her reputation was worth to
+appear for the first time in public in such a garment--for Mrs. Swipes or
+Mrs. Bird would be sure to declare that "she did it on purpos' jist to
+insult _her_."
+
+Immigrants, who settled in Puddleford, felt the force of this social law
+very forcibly. Mr. Tinkham and family came in and took up their residence.
+Mr. Tinkham was a small merchant, and hailed from a small eastern village,
+and brought in his train a wife, one son, and two daughters--Mr. Howard
+Tinkham, Miss Jenet Tinkham, and Miss Mary Tinkham--old enough all for
+society. They were a very plain family, had been educated in a very plain
+way, and were very unpretending in their deportment. "_Old_ Mr. Tinkham,"
+as he was called, was on the downhill side of life, and was fast running
+into the shadows of the valley; and "Old Mrs. Tinkham" was not very far
+behind him. They had immigrated for the benefit of their children--made
+themselves miserable from a philanthropic desire to make somebody else
+happy--had buried all the associations, comforts, and joys of their lives,
+to linger out an unnatural existence in the West.
+
+When Mr. Tinkham and his family came on, Puddleford was overflowing with
+enthusiasm. Indeed, their anticipated arrival was heralded by all hands
+long before they made their appearance, and their "means," personal
+history, politics, and religion were well known weeks in advance. The
+accession of a new family was a great event in Puddleford--and well it
+might be--for it was a rare event to find any one bold enough to settle
+down in the village--and it usually turned out to be as great an event to
+the individual who settled, as those whom he settled among.
+
+There was a general uprising to receive Mr. Tinkham--it did not seem
+possible to do enough for Mr. Tinkham--he was from the very first
+completely run down, crushed, and smothered with attention--all the women
+offered their services in any and every way to Mr. Tinkham, and to Mrs.
+Tinkham, and Mr. Howard Tinkham, and Miss Jenet Tinkham, and Miss Mary
+Tinkham--one ran this way to do this, and another that way to do
+that--sometimes two or three female Puddlefordians would insist upon
+performing the same act for Mrs. Tinkham, which not unfrequently resulted
+in hard words and red faces among themselves, for their kindness was so
+impulsive and excessive, that it was not possible for them to restrain it,
+as long as the Tinkham fever lasted.
+
+The Tinkhams thought that they had been very much underrated, or very much
+overrated. They were positively delighted with the spontaneous attention
+of the Puddlefordians--and yet, as has been stated, the Tinkhams were a
+plain people, not subject to any fashionable flights, nor haughty airs, nor
+had they ever demanded or received much notice before, and they could only
+account for the novel exhibitions of hospitality of their new acquaintances
+by supposing it was "their way," and that they were no exception to a
+general rule.
+
+Miss Lavinia Longbow, who was decidedly one of the fashionable "upper
+crust" of society--for every society has its "upper crust"--and who was the
+daughter of Squire Longbow, which of itself was all-sufficient to fix her
+social position--Miss Lavinia Longbow almost went into ecstasies over Mr.
+Howard Tinkham the first time she saw him.
+
+She declared that "he was the splendidest man she ever see'd--that she
+thought that Jim Barton was something of a feller once--but, O, pshaw! he
+warn't nothin'. Mr. Howard Tinkham had such a poetical eye, and such
+tap'rin' hands, and then he was so much slimmer-er than Jim Barton, and he
+walked off so peert like--and then he talked so _bu_-tiful--all about the
+Venuses, and the God-es-es, and she did not know how many more things, that
+she never heer'd of afore in all her born days. Jim Barton didn't know
+nothin' 'bout anything--he couldn't say boo afore Mr. Howard Tinkham--he
+was _sich_ a man, Mr. Howard Tinkham was--he know'd everything--how many
+pretty stories he _had_ told her--O, pshaw! talk about Jim Barton."
+
+Miss Lavinia ran on in the most extravagant terms, at all times and places,
+about Mr. Howard Tinkham, and she positively refused to speak to, or notice
+Jim Barton, for six months after Tinkham came in.
+
+Mrs. Swipes, Bird, Longbow, Aunt Sonora, and all were bewitched with Mrs.
+Tinkham. Mrs. Swipes presented Mrs. Tinkham with a dried-apple pie within
+an hour after her arrival, at the same time informing her that "it would
+come right handy while they were putting things to rights--and that if
+there was anything else--any--thing--no matter what--that she had in her
+house, to come over and take it right away, and ask no questions. She
+wanted her to be at home in _her_ house, jist as long as they liv'd in
+Puddleford."
+
+Mrs. Tinkham thought Mrs. Swipes was a very accommodating woman.
+
+Mrs. Longbow sent a ham--Mrs. Bird a loaf of "Injun," as she called it--and
+as Mrs. Swipes knew what Mrs. Longbow had sent, and as Mrs. Longbow
+ascertained what Mrs. Swipes had sent, and as Mrs. Bird discovered by
+inquiry "round about," what they both sent, and as the rest of the
+Puddleford ladies made it their business to know what they all had sent,
+and as they were determined not to be outdone by the upper crust, who they
+declared were no better than they were, and couldn't do any more than they
+could do, the consequence was that the Tinkhams began to think that they
+had reached the promised land, and that the windows of Heaven were opened,
+and showering down blessings broadcast upon them.
+
+The Tinkhams were in raptures with Puddleford. Mrs. Swipes called two or
+three times a day to know how they got along--to know if Mary Jane Arabella
+could not come in and "chore around a little while they were
+settlin'"--that she know'd what it was "to get fix'd"--to know if "there
+warn't _sum_thin' she _could_ do."
+
+Mrs. Longbow was very anxious to find out "when Mrs. Tinkham could come
+over and spend a sociable afternoon--it seemed as if she couldn't wait."
+
+Mrs. Bird declared that "she would have the first visit--that she'd say
+flat-footed."
+
+The Tinkhams were certainly very much in love with Puddleford. They had
+positively never seen anything like it. The impression which they had made
+exceeded all their expectations. They did not see how they could ever repay
+the manifestations of its people.
+
+But this paroxysm of attention in time passed away. The Tinkhams in
+time--and in a very short time, too--fell from their high position. Mrs.
+Tinkham _did_ call first upon Mrs. Longbow, and she and all the other
+Tinkhams were ruined from that day.
+
+Mrs. Bird then declared "she just began to see what they were"--she blazed
+out with all her fires, and showered down her red-hot lava upon the
+Tinkhams, both great and small. She "had a lurkin' kinder suspicion all the
+time that they warn't much"--she said "she meant to treat 'em decently, and
+she had treated 'em decently--she and Mary Jane didn't do nothin' but run
+for 'em all the time, when they fust cum--and now this was her thanks
+for't--this was what she got--_this_ was her pay--she'd tell the whole pile
+on 'em what she thought, some day--she'd give 'em a piece of her
+mind--she'd show 'em what Sall Bird could do--they'd find her out--they
+couldn't tromp onter her--jest--to--think--after all said and done--that
+the huzzy went straight over and call'd fust on Mrs. Longbow--on Mrs.
+Longbow--yes, old Squire Longbow's second wife--_old_ Aunt Graves, and
+nobody else--who I've know'd fust and last these twenty years--and no good
+of her nuther--to think of it! to think!--_only_ to think!"
+
+This little explosion went off in the presence of Mrs. Swipes, who had been
+as deeply injured by this "call" as Mrs. Bird, and Mrs. Bird knew it.
+
+Mrs. Swipes declared "that while she was the last woman on the face of the
+airth to injure anybody, or talk 'bout anybody, that was _well_ known, she
+couldn't help lettin' out on the Tinkhams--she couldn't! she'd tried it,
+but she felt it her duty to do it--and she _would_ do it, and she'd do it
+now,--she thought she saw sumthin'--_sum_thin' a-nuther--'bout that Mrs.
+Tinkham, the fust day that they came inter the settlement, that warn't
+right--she didn't like her eye--there was a certain sort-of-er-look
+there--and she might as well say it right out, it looked wicked to
+her--wicked as Cain--she told Mr. Swipes then that _she_ believed that she
+was a _dang_-rous woman--but she was detarmined to try her, for she was a
+person who allers tried everybody--she gin everybody a chance--she didn't
+cry down nobody, she didn't--she warn't a-goin' to--'twas agin her
+principles to do so--but when she _did_ find people out--and she allers
+did--_allers_--sooner or _la_-ter--sum time or a-nuther--she was sure to
+find 'em out, then they'd got ter take a piece of her mind--and she had
+found the Tinkhams out, and she thought the Tinkhams warn't any great
+shakes--that's what she thought."
+
+"Jest my mind exactly!" exclaimed Mrs. Bird, who had listened with great
+attention, with her eyes staring, and her mouth open, so she could not lose
+a word.
+
+"Nor warn't any great shakes where they com'd from," added Mrs. Swipes;
+"that I've larned for true, and I know it."
+
+"Nor never will be any great shakes," continued Mrs. Bird,
+"anywhere--never! never!"
+
+"From the old man down," said Mrs. Swipes.
+
+"Yes! from the old man down," repeated Mrs. Bird.
+
+Aunt Sonora, who was very "set in her way," and a great stickler for the
+old order of things, was, nevertheless, not naturally malicious. She
+thought the Tinkhams, however, "were getting mighty stuck up," and that the
+"gals put on the dref'ellest sight of airs"--"she didn't think Puddleford
+could hold 'em long--people who ate sales-molasses for common, and bought
+fresh every day, must have a long purse or they'd bust"--she said "she was
+very sure that Mr. Howard Tinkham wore broadcloth; and as for the
+women-folks, why, they were flarin' out all the while in their silks--and
+laws-a-me," said the old lady, "they hain't got such a killin' sight to be
+proud of nuther--if they had, _she_ didn't know where they kept it, for her
+part."
+
+The Tinkhams found themselves in hot water on every side--and simply for
+the reason that Mrs. Tinkham had made her first call on Mrs. Longbow. But
+Mrs. Tinkham could not have escaped her fate--that was not possible; if she
+had selected any other of her devoted friends, the result would have been
+precisely the same.
+
+In four weeks from the time the Tinkhams had been received with such
+demonstrations of affection, it was discovered,--
+
+That Mrs. Bird did not speak to Mrs. Tinkham;
+
+That Mrs. Swipes did not speak to Mrs. Tinkham;
+
+That Mrs. Beagle did not speak to Mrs. Tinkham;
+
+That a very great many other persons who did not speak to Mrs. Bird,
+Swipes, _or_ Beagle, did not speak to Mrs. Tinkham.
+
+Mr. and Mrs. Tinkham found that they had come in conflict with public
+opinion in Puddleford--they were completely driven out from society.
+
+The social war soon extended itself further. The Bird clique would not
+trade at Mr. Tinkham's store. Mrs. Bird declared "that she wouldn't have
+nothing at all to do with 'em no way--not the fust thing--she wouldn't
+darken any of their doors, and they shouldn't darken hers--not a Tinkham
+should enter her front gate--_she'd_ larn 'em, that's what she would." Mrs.
+Swipes and Mrs. Beagle agreed to the same thing--the Tinkhams shouldn't
+darken their doors, nuther. Mrs. Bird said she wouldn't go where the
+Tinkhams went. Mrs. Swipes and Mrs. Beagle thereupon agreed that _they_
+wouldn't go where the Tinkhams went--and the lesser lights that revolved
+around Mrs. Bird, Swipes, and Beagle, agreed that they wouldn't "nuther."
+
+The Tinkhams were obliged to draw their business to a close, and leave the
+land of their adoption. They did not understand the social law of the
+country. They were seen, early one morning, wending their way out of the
+village, solitary, yet not sad, without pomp or parade, their faces to the
+rising sun, retracing their steps back to the land which they had left,
+wiser, if not better, we trust, with a fixed determination to "let well
+enough alone" during the remainder of their lives, and never again give "a
+bird in the hand for (none) in the bush."
+
+Puddleford experienced no more spasms from a disturbance of its social
+equilibrium for a long time; not until the Styles family came in many years
+afterwards, and overturned the whole order of things, and established upon
+the ruins an entirely new government.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXV.
+
+     And still New England.--Sui Generis.--Her Ruggedness the
+     Soil of Liberty.--The Contrast.--The New England
+     Conservative.--The New England Man of Business.--The West
+     has no Past.--_Fast_, and Hospitable.--Saxon Blood and Saxon
+     Spirit.
+
+
+Such is a picture of some of the old-school New England men, as they
+flourished years ago. Such are some of the portraits and images that rise
+up, and stand out vividly before me.
+
+New England is unlike anything the pioneer sees, hears, or feels in a
+wilderness country. She is unlike his country in her creation. Her solemn
+mountains, lone lakes--her rushing streams, that dart like arrows from her
+precipices--the roar of her cataracts, amid her rugged gorges--her long and
+tranquil reaches of valley--the cold, solemn, and quiet pictures of Nature
+that she mingles and groups on her canvas, give soul and spirit to the
+people who are nursed upon her soil; and they, too, grow gigantic, like the
+objects around them--patriotism, integrity, firmness, germinate and become
+athletic in such fastnesses: Liberty last expires upon the mountains.
+
+Why was civil and religious liberty planted, amid December snows, upon her
+inhospitable coast? Why was it committed to her rugged elements of Nature,
+if not to harden the men, and strengthen and preserve principles? Had the
+May Flower discharged its freight of ideas amid abundance, soft skies, and
+a teeming soil, it is not certain that the Declaration would have been
+signed in 1776.
+
+How different is the great West! One great plain of prairie and woodland,
+reaching from zone to zone, fairly bursting with the richness of its varied
+soil and climate--reserved, as it were, by Providence, to receive the less
+hardy and vigorous generations which time might throw off upon her--tame in
+scenery, but filled with the resources of wealth and power.
+
+But New England is not only unlike the West in its creation, but her
+people, from a thousand causes, have fixed and established habits and
+customs as unlike. And all these have become as stereotyped by ages, as the
+figures upon a panorama. The New England panorama, in all its essential
+features, rolls off to-day as it did years ago. Who has not been impressed
+with this truth? Select an old New England town--analyze it as you once
+knew it, and as it is now. How was it, how is it made up? It was finished
+then--the last blow was struck, the last foundation laid, the rubbish all
+cleared away; as if it only waited for the final explosion of all
+things--even the magnificent elms that solemnly swept its streets, grew no
+longer--they, too, had reached maturity, and gone to sleep. So it is now.
+
+A western village, in its general aspect, presents the very reverse of
+this. Like Jonah's gourd, it is the "son of a night." It seems to have been
+thrown up by an army on the march--and such is the fact--the mighty army of
+pioneers, who are here to-day and there to-morrow, and who are only traced
+by such huge footsteps.
+
+The people of a New England village appear to have been procured, assorted
+and arranged, for their positions and occupations. Each person treads in
+his own circle--each is stamped with a value--branded good, bad, or
+indifferent. There is the conservative gentleman--the dash that connects
+generations--he who has taken a preëmption right to respectability--whose
+patent dates away back among historical reminiscences and dead bones--whose
+presence is _prima facie_ evidence of all that is claimed and exercised. A
+man of authority is he. He carries an odor of the past around with him--an
+air--a something that smells of blood--a consciousness that some time, or
+somehow, somebody or something had given his ancestors a cross that
+followed and sublimated his whole race.
+
+Such men impress a consequence upon objects around them. Their family
+carriages look wise and venerable--heirlooms embalmed by generations gone.
+They drive horses that think and know who and what they are--and who live
+and die under the protection of their masters. Their church-pews blaze in
+crimson--are piled with cushions, arrayed with stools, and tables, and
+books, with two pillows and a foot-stove in the corner, for the old _lady_
+of seventy, who wheezes and takes snuff.
+
+Perhaps, reader, you have met just such a New England character. He never
+moves below a line in society--a line as arbitrary with him as 36° 30'. He
+had a broad face, double chin, heavy nose, wide-brimmed hat, and buff vest,
+filled with ruffles. You have heard him deliver his opinion upon a question
+of public policy, or public morals--his voice slow and sepulchral--his
+manner heavy, almost melancholy--made impressive through the aid of a
+gold-headed cane, with which he occasionally beats out the emphatic
+portions of his homily. Perhaps you attempted to make a suggestion
+yourself--if you did, you recollect the frown, the reproof that came down
+upon you, from those cold, gray eyes of his, and perhaps the shock you
+inflicted upon the timid around you, from your impudence.
+
+This class do not, by any means, constitute the backbone of New England.
+The enterprise that breaks through her mountains, upheaves her valleys, and
+sends the iron horse on its way--creates the roar of machinery that
+reverberates among her hills--grasps with, and battles for, the public
+questions of the _day_--pours a tide of life and energy into everything
+around--which makes itself felt through the long arms of commerce in every
+part of the world, and whose touch electrifies every mart--_this
+enterprise_ is born, and quickened, and sustained somewhere else. These men
+are the mere spectators of all this bustle. They are rather drag-weights
+upon it--the acknowledged conservative army of "masterly inactivity."
+
+These conservatives are not without value, but they can only exist in a
+fixed state of society. They are the work of ages, and cannot be created in
+a breath. No such characters can be found in the western world. The roots
+of such a growth lie away back among the Puritans. One can smell Plymouth
+Rock, Cotton Mather, Bunker Hill, and indeed the whole revolutionary war,
+in the very production. Pedigree associations, musty ideas, which lie
+scattered everywhere, and yet nowhere in particular, are the foundation of
+this kind of aristocracy; all of which is submitted to by custom and
+habit.
+
+What if an attempt should be made to build up such a society in a new
+country? Where would we begin? There is no past to hallow and dignify the
+present; and without a past to draw upon, and anchor to, an aristocracy
+would be all afloat. The past of Puddleford, so far as my researches go,
+ends in the _Pottawatomie Indians_--a little later in Longbow, Turtle, and
+Bates. This is the extent of our resources; and no one has been yet found
+who was willing to go into that kind of business on such a capital. Money,
+so often the foundation of pretension, is widely diffused, in very small
+parcels. Historical local incidents there are none. The conquest of the
+country was by the axe and an indomitable spirit. There was no blood nor
+brimstone used. The pioneer's little family of sinewy children was the army
+that entered it, and took possession of the soil.
+
+But the people of New England, I said, were assorted. The man of business,
+the merchant, the mechanic, was a merchant, a mechanic, in the same place,
+the same building, perhaps forty years ago--and his whole life is one of
+order and system. He lives by rule--is as fixed in his sphere as the
+conservative in his. His income for the future can be calculated from the
+past. His duties are foreseen and provided for. Domestic expenses so much;
+support of the gospel so much; charity so much; pleasure so much; which,
+deducted from income, balance, so much. Here, again, is the fruit of a
+fixed society. The creditor of a New England merchant knows where his
+customer will be next year--at his old post, or dead.
+
+How is it in a new country? Not one resident in ten is permanently located.
+Every man expects to remove somewhere else, at some time. Here is no
+association, no tie, to bind him to the soil. The pioneer is but a
+passenger who has stopped over night, as it were, and he holds himself
+ready to push forward at the blow of the trumpet. Villages, and even whole
+townships, change inhabitants in short periods, and other men, with other
+views and habits, step in and take their places. Where does the merchant
+creditor find his western customer of last year? Sold out, perhaps, to Mr.
+A., and Mr. A. sold to Mr. B., and Mr. B. to Mr. C. Mr. C. pays all
+arrearages, and Mr. A. and B. are boating on the Mississippi, or
+"ballooning" in some fancy speculation on the north shore of the Oregon.
+
+While the great West suffers from a want of the virtues that attend a fixed
+society, as it undoubtedly does, it does not find itself obliged to contend
+against its prejudices. There are no arbitrary lines drawn, based upon mere
+ideas--no venerable fictions in the way. Custom, habit, society, immemorial
+usage, hang no dead-weights upon the young and ambitious. All start from
+the same line, the prize is aloft in full view, and he who first reaches it
+creates his own precedence.
+
+If there is no past to hallow and chasten the people of a new country, no
+permanent present to hold them to one spot, so in one sense there is no
+future. There is no locality that is adorned and beautified for coming
+years--no spot designated to become venerable to posterity--no tree nursed
+and protected in memory of him who planted it--no ground consecrated for
+the burial of the dead. Houses are built, localities adorned, trees
+planted, cemeteries erected, but they who fashioned all this do not abide
+with them--they are ever on the march, and the stranger takes possession
+of the memorials they leave behind; and if posterity should attempt to
+collect the works of such an ancestor, it would find them scattered over
+the circuit of states.
+
+We have attempted, in a plain way, to draw a comparison, very briefly, to
+be sure, between a fixed and an unfixed society. Both have their advantages
+and their disadvantages.
+
+If New England is slow and methodical, she is strong. She moves in close
+phalanx upon any public question or duty. The very bonds of habit which
+pervade all, and all alike, concentrate and intensify her action. Her
+people act in a mass towards one point. They strike through organizations
+which are gigantic and reverend with age. The Church gathers the energies
+and means of the benevolent. Public opinion is harmonious about public
+ends. And this very fixedness of society enables its members to push
+forward with a unity and strength almost omnipotent.
+
+In a new country, as we have seen, action is individual and ends are
+individual; men are unorganized. He who goes forward with axe in hand to
+hew his pathway to competence and respectability, is governed by few relics
+of the past. He breaks away, in time (too completely perhaps), from old
+associations, some of which were trammels, being the mere result of usage,
+and some of which he ought to cherish for their intrinsic excellence. He
+looks forward to a country and people in the future (_somewhere_ in the
+future; locality is nothing), and he hurries on, with fury almost, to reach
+the destination of his dreams.
+
+The people of the West are called a _fast_ people. How can they be
+otherwise? Their very necessities _drive_ them. They cannot fall back upon
+any prop; they can move onward without limit. It required, half a century
+ago, the labor of a generation to sweep off the forest, and plant cities
+and villages--but all this is accomplished in half of that time now.
+Pioneers grow more expanded in their views. The father of the pioneer of
+to-day grew into consequence as a heavy landed proprietor upon a farm of
+forty acres--his son can hardly satisfy his ambition with six hundred--and
+that is always for sale--(there is no poetry, as we have seen, about a
+western homestead)--and he stands ready to vacate upon six months' notice
+and a consideration.
+
+This miscellaneous state of society begets a peculiar hospitality. New
+England has been famed for its hospitality; but the kind I mean is a very
+different thing. Hospitality in an old country, under the bonds of society,
+is too formal, too cold, and sometimes a little oppressive. It is not
+always hospitality; it is, sometimes, the performance of a social duty,
+according to the rules and regulations prescribed for its
+observance--painful to all parties concerned. It is artificial--as hearty,
+perhaps, as it can be under "bonds." The table, in the West, is _always_
+spread, and the roof _always_ offers shelter. There is an ease, an
+abandonment in its exercise, that is positively beautiful, and can be
+understood only when felt.
+
+A fixed state of society begets feuds, and cherishes old grudges. A quarrel
+that originated between grandfathers is often carried down and kept
+brewing. Families are divided from other families for years, and sometimes
+for generations, about matters of no consequence. It is perhaps a point of
+etiquette, a stinging remark, an accidental or premeditated slight, a
+question of dollars and cents, a political or religious difference of
+opinion, that opened the breach which will not be healed. Thus, bombshells
+are often thrown from one to another, by fathers and children and
+grandchildren, and families kept in an uproar about nothing. This society
+not only cherishes old grudges, but it is nervous and sensitive to the
+least touch of the present. A morbid pride of wealth, family, position, is
+ever on the lookout for an attack upon its consequence--perhaps to make an
+onslaught upon others.
+
+Here the West has the advantage. There is no one to keep alive old grudges.
+Not one man in a hundred can tell what his neighbor's father or grandfather
+was--where he flourished or decayed--what were his personal piques or
+social battles. And as for present causes of personal war, they are few--it
+requires something more than a sublimated idea or notion--an antiquated
+figment of the brain or present artificiality--to warm up the combatants.
+The practical realities of the West are too great and pressing to give time
+or disposition to dally with abstractions. Gross outrages are quickly met
+and redressed--they are not carried down on the docket of time for
+posterity to try, nor nursed in the bosom from the revengeful pleasure they
+afford.
+
+Reader, these are a few of the advantages and disadvantages of the two
+states of eastern and western society--not western society after it becomes
+rooted and established, as it has in many of the states--but during its
+first ten, perhaps twenty years, in its green state, while the gristle is
+hardening into bone.
+
+These few suggestions are written in no morbid or carping spirit. They are
+written with a consciousness of the manly virtues, and solid worth, of New
+England, as she is, and always has been. They simply mark points of
+difference worked upon men by a change of soil and society--points that
+should be known, whether approved or condemned. What son of New England
+does not look back upon her with pride? What associations throng around him
+when her name is mentioned! Her hills, her hearts, her homes, send a thrill
+through the soul, and make him, for a time at least, a better man. What
+armies of scholars have walked forth into the battle of life from her
+cloisters? How many have been girded and helmeted in her halls? Where is
+the spot where her footsteps are not imprinted, her cheering voice heard?
+Shall we ever forget her? What sermons her old homesteads are continually
+preaching to her children, scattered as they are throughout every degree of
+latitude and longitude, in all positions and avocations! The cold brooks,
+where the trout darted--the grove where the nuts dropped--the blue
+sublimity of her mountain-tops, where sunlight first broke in the morn, and
+last died at night--the great shadows that slept in her valleys--the
+reverberation of her thunder--her solemn "fasts and feasts"--her day of
+Thanksgiving, that united again the broken fragments of the family
+circle--the merry voice of Christmas, that rung so cheerily through her
+halls--her graves, that hold all that remains of those who were giants in
+religion, liberty, and law, and who, "although dead, yet speak"--her
+arts--her monuments--her altars, where generations have knelt and passed
+away--are all living eloquence to her children, and can never be forgotten,
+if not always remembered. She is the Mecca to which many a weary pilgrim
+turns for strength and counsel in the storm and bustle of life, and her
+brain, and her capital, and her example are felt throughout half the globe.
+
+Let us not, however, in our veneration for New England, forget the
+iron-souled and true-hearted men, who have gone forth from that ancient
+hive to make a way in the wilderness for incoming generations, whose march
+is ever upon the ear. They had _their_ mission, too, and nobly have they
+performed it. What but Saxon blood, and Saxon spirit, could have
+accomplished so much? If it was, and still is, done roughly, it was all
+done for time, and will stand--it is something that will bear looking back
+upon, and of which no son of posterity will be ashamed.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVI.
+
+     Spring at the West.--"Sugar Days."--Performances of the
+     Cattle.--April.--Advent of the Blue-Jays and the Crows.--The
+     Bluebirds, Phebes, and Robins.--April and its Inspiring
+     Days.--The Frogs and their Concerts.--Gophers, Squirrels,
+     Ants; Swallows, Brown-Threshers, and Blackbirds.--The
+     Swallows, the Martins, and the Advent of May.
+
+
+Spring opens in the western wilds with great pomp and beauty. After our
+winter had passed, accompanied with few out-door amusements, how inspiring
+were her first footsteps! February slowly gave way to March, the sun each
+day rolled higher and higher, and the heavens grew bluer and bluer. Then
+came the still, clear, cold nights, when the stars flashed like diamonds,
+and the still, warm days, that flooded the lakes and streams. Here and
+there a bird would appear--one of the more hardy sort--a kind of courier,
+that had been sent out by his fellows, lonely, like the dove from the ark,
+to spy out the land, and report its condition. These couriers, who I
+supposed were birds that were with us the preceding year, rummaged around
+the woods, like a family who had just returned to a long deserted mansion.
+They flew from tree to tree, eyed the knot-holes, examined everything,
+shivered a few nights on a snowy limb, and then hurried back to make their
+report. The outside birds who were thus represented, and who were so
+anxious to "come on," were like a press at the theatre, before the hour
+had arrived to hoist the curtain.
+
+These March days were "sugar days." Puddleford was, of course, in
+confusion; men, women, and children turned out with kettles and pans, into
+the "bush;" and one would have supposed, from the clouds of smoke that
+rolled over the tops of the trees, that a tribe of gypsies had camped
+there. The girls, dressed in linsey-woolsey, were boisterous; the boys,
+uproarious; and a whole army of dogs, full of the spirit of the occasion,
+stormed around, barking at every deer track, and tore all the rotten logs
+in pieces. Then came a long, warm, still rain--and the frogs shouted to
+each other their melancholy music--and the grass and the roots that were
+soaking in the marshes sent out their sweetness--the bud began to swell on
+the willow--the geese gathered in a procession, with some pompous gander at
+its head, and marched to the river--and the barn-yard fowls climbed up into
+trees, on top of the sheds and stacks, and cackled, and crowed, and
+clucked, and chatted together, like so many guests at a party.
+
+The cattle congregated, and wandered away off to an open plain, and went
+through certain exercises, the significance of which was known only to
+themselves. One old cow of mine, whose reputation was good, and whose
+frosty bones had scarcely moved during the winter, and who was present at
+this celebration, suddenly wheeled out of the ranks, rolled her tail over
+her back, put herself on a circuitous canter, cutting as many capers as a
+French dancing-master, and brought up, at last, with a bellowing blast that
+was quite terrific.
+
+At a distance stood another of the herd, frothing at the mouth, lashing
+herself with her tail, and throwing clouds of sand on high with her fore
+feet. Away, in another quarter, were a couple of very thoughtful looking
+animals, fencing with their horns. Every little while some good or evil
+spirit would take possession of them, and the whole company would fling
+their tails aloft, and with a great noise go off in a stampede that made
+the ground tremble.
+
+As April approached, or rather the reflected light from her distant wheels,
+the voice of the birds changed into a mellower tone. The blue-jay, whose
+harsh scream had so long grated on my ear, grew softer, and he blew once in
+a while one of his spring pipes (for he is a great imitator, and has many),
+which, after all, sounded rather husky and winter-like. His heart grew
+warmer, too. He would sit on a dry tree close to the eaves of my house, and
+peer through the windows, to see what was going on inside, jump down, and
+bow himself up on the door-steps, to remind us, in the best way he could,
+of the sunshine outside.
+
+Soon the crows began to sweep solemnly through the air with their caw! caw!
+They sailed round and round, now lighting on some tree, now on the ground,
+then away they went into the heavens again. They seemed to be taking a very
+thorough examination of the premises, making out the lines of occupation,
+and acquiring a new possession of the same, for the use of themselves and
+those they represented. Sometimes a body of them, lazily winging their way
+over my house, and looking down from their height upon my diminutive form,
+would shower upon my head ten thousand _Ca's!_ as if in utter contempt of
+both me and mine. I occasionally fired a shot at them, and the only answer
+I got was a quick "_Ca-Ca!_"--as much as to say, "Try it again! Try it
+again? Who cares?"
+
+Then came the bluebird. I threw up my window amid the latter days of March,
+one sunshiny morning, and there she sat on a maple, blowing her flute.
+Banks of snow were scattered here and there, but the ground smelled moist
+and spring-like. Where did that little piece of melody come from? Where was
+she the day before? Her song was a little poem about south-west winds, and
+violets, and running brooks--perhaps she was a preacher, sent out by the
+daisies to herald their coming--perhaps her song was only a prayer--for she
+went round from place to place, on this tree and that, in her little
+cathedral, as priests do in theirs, and erected her altar, and made her
+offering. She had a great deal to say, and a great many persons and things
+to deliver her message to; for in a little while she went, rising and
+falling as though she were riding billows of air, to the roof of my
+neighbor's house, where she sang the same song again; and after thus
+spending an hour or two about the neighborhood, she crossed the river, and
+dashed into the woods.
+
+On the next morning the bluebird came again, and brought a phebe with him,
+and the two sang a kind of duet for my benefit. Their harmony was
+perfect--for "there is no discord in nature." On the following day, at
+dawn, before the sun arose, I heard the robin rolling off her mellow notes.
+I looked out and saw a little flock running along on the ground, and
+picking at the fresh earth, evidently for the purpose of determining its
+condition. This same flock, I am sure, remained upon my premises during the
+summer, and had, in fact, possession of them for many years previous. For
+they appeared every day or two, and grew more and more inquisitive, and
+examined more closely. A couple finally took possession of this tree, and a
+couple of that. They commenced "cleaning house." They flitted about from
+limb to limb, balanced themselves on the dry twigs, as if trying their
+strength and elasticity, ran themselves away down into the joints, and
+dissected the crotches, picked up and cast away the dead moss and leaves,
+and made as much bustle and stir as a woman on May-day.
+
+As I was watching a couple of them one day, while they were busy at work,
+they seemed quite annoyed at my presence. They flirted off from the tree to
+a fence near by, with a mellow cry--saying, plainly enough, as they bobbed
+around, "What! what!" "Any-thing-wrong? Any-thing-wrong?"
+"Please-go-away--ha-ha-please-go-away."
+
+Some four weeks later, these birds began to build. They went sailing
+through the air with the timbers of their castle in their mouths. This
+timber was selected with great care. Straw after straw, and sprig after
+sprig, was picked up and cast away before the right one was found. They
+remained with me during their stay north, and returned each succeeding year
+to the same tree, until the woods all about me were felled, when they
+deserted me for other quarters.
+
+April shone out at last. Away down in the wild meadows the cowslip pushed
+up its green head into the sunshine, and along the warm hill-sides the
+wind-flowers were strewn. How they came there, I cannot tell. The day
+before it was all bleak, and chilly, and flowerless there. They must have
+been scattered by the morning rays of light. A melting bank of snow
+frowned down upon them, close by. Soon the shade-tree sent out its blossoms
+of lilac, and the dog-wood burst into a pile of snow. The hard, gray,
+leafless trees stood up sternly around these first daughters of spring,
+arrayed in their garments of pomp, and looked, as well as inanimate things
+can look, jealous and uneasy. All over the aisles of the forest lay
+enormous trunks of trees, like columns about an unfinished temple, thickly
+coated with a heavy green moss; and there was a smell of bark, and swelling
+twigs, and struggling roots--such a smell as only the early spring days
+give out--as though the earth and the forest were just gaping and
+stretching with a decayed last year's breath, before rousing up to the
+duties of this.
+
+Then the rivulets began to get into tune. The one that ran tumbling through
+the woods seemed to be in a very great hurry, and shot around its islands
+of moss and promontories of tree-roots with great zeal. It had unwound from
+its reel of light and moisture a green ribbon, that lay along its shores
+miles and miles away in the wilderness; and the birds slyly bathed
+themselves in its waters; and now and then a small fish came rushing down
+with the speed of an arrow, just returning from his winter quarters to the
+river, probably to enter his name upon the great piscatorial roll
+preparatory to summer service.
+
+In a basin, just below a little fall of this brook, two or three wood-ducks
+were ploughing round and round. These wood-ducks are hermits, and secrete
+themselves in ponds and watery thickets, where silence and shadows prevail.
+On one of these mornings, ruminating on its banks, sat Venison Styles, his
+gun resting on the ground, apparently in a profound study. I looked at the
+old hunter a long time, and his figure was as fixed and immovable as if he
+were a part of the landscape, and had grown there like the trees about him.
+What can the old man be dreaming about? thought I. Perhaps he already hears
+the approaching footsteps of dancing May, her head crowned with flowers,
+and the music of the thousand birds that supported her train. It was
+already spring--summer--in his soul. He was thinking of the sports of the
+coming year, and the light and pomp of the seasons passed before his
+imagination like the gorgeous pictures of a panorama.
+
+These April days were inspiring. Occasionally a bleak squall of rain or
+snow obscured the sky, and silenced the music of Nature; but the heavens
+looked bluer, and the birds sang more lustily, after it passed away. In the
+latter part of the month the ground became settled, and the frogs, towards
+evening, and sometimes during the moist, smoky afternoons, sent up their
+melancholy wailing from the wide wastes of marsh that stretched themselves
+through the woods and along the river banks. Some of these marshes were ten
+miles long, and two or three broad; and such a concert of voices as
+congregated there was never equalled by anything else. I had, and still
+have, notions of my own about these vocalists. I am sure that they sang
+under discipline and system--that they performed on different kinds of
+instruments. Some of them seemed to be blowing a flageolet; others drew
+their bows across their violins; some played the fife; while here and there
+might be heard grum twangs, like the twanging of bass-viol strings. He who
+listened long and closely might detect delicate vibrations of almost every
+tone in art or nature. Sometimes their voices sounded like the dying echoes
+of ten thousand bells, all of a different key, yet the tangled melody was
+an entanglement of chords and discords, and it rolled away, and expired in
+waves of pure harmony; again, it was like a choir of human voices
+performing an anthem. I thought I could hear syllables, too--the
+articulation of words--something like a psalm. Then the words and sounds
+appeared to change, and, by the aid of the imagination, one would have
+supposed that the whole community were shouting--delivering political
+harangues--or that its members had got on a "bust," and were rattling off
+all kinds of nonsense in a drunken frolic.
+
+April brought with it, too, flying showers and warm sunshine. The grass
+began to wake up, and scent the air with its sweetness. Along the
+watercourses the willows unfolded their leaves; the buds swelled in the
+forests; and the tree-tops were touched with a light shade of brown, and
+then a shade of green, which grew deeper and deeper each day. Large flocks
+of pigeons darkened the air, all moving from south to north,--from whence,
+or to where, I could not tell. A company would sometimes "hold up" for an
+hour or two, to "feed and rest," like a caravan at an oasis; but they soon
+took their wings again, and pursued their journey.
+
+The tenants of the ground burst their tombs, and came up for duty. The
+gopher, and squirrel, and the ant went to work. I noticed a large community
+of ants who had commenced building a city. Their last year's metropolis was
+destroyed, and they were compelled to begin from the foundation; and such a
+stir and bustle was never exceeded. Hundreds of laborers were in the work
+up to their eyes. Here was one fellow with a grain of sand in his mouth--a
+rock to him, I suppose--climbing over twigs and dead grass, standing
+sometimes perpendicular with his load, and not unfrequently falling over
+backwards, yet struggling away, surmounting all obstacles, until he finally
+reached the place of deposit. Then there was a class of miners who shot up
+from their holes, dropped their speck of dirt, wheeled, and shot back
+again. Trains of them were continually ascending and descending. There was
+still another class--"blooded characters," most likely--possibly
+overseers--who did not do any work, but ran around from point to point, as
+if inspecting the rest, and giving to them directions. Once in a while a
+couple of workmen would run a-foul of each other, and get into a quarrel--a
+clinch--a fight--and the "tussle" lasted until they were parted. This
+colony, I will say, erected a large mound of earth in a very few
+weeks--gigantic to them as an Egyptian pyramid is to us--in which they
+lived and labored during the season.
+
+Finally, the swallows, and brown-threshers, and blackbirds, and martins
+came--not all in a body, but straggling along. The blackbirds appeared
+first, and might be seen flying about from tree to tree, and fence to
+fence, near by the upturned furrows that the ploughman had left behind him.
+Such a saucy troop of pirates as they were! Flocks of them sat about in the
+oaks, showering a host of epithets upon the said ploughman; then a dozen or
+more darted down, staggered over the ground, picked up a worm, and dashed
+away into the oaks again. They scolded, and fretted, and coaxed, and
+threatened, and nettled about like a belle of sixteen. Some of them were
+dressed in a suit of glossy black, with a neckcloth of shifting green;
+others wore red epaulets on their wings; and a flock of them, darting
+through the air, had the appearance of braided streams of fire, or
+interlaced rainbows. Towards evening they all went down among the alders
+and willows by the river, and had a long chat among themselves. They bowed,
+and twitched, and stretched down one wing, and then the other; lit upon the
+little twigs, and see-sawed as they sung, and did many other things. They
+were evidently erecting themselves into some kind of a government for the
+year--holding a caucus--perhaps an election--deposing an old monarch, or
+elevating a new; for it was easy to hear them say what they would do, and
+what they wouldn't--that is, easy for one who has studied the blackbird
+language--and sometimes an awful threat might be detected, mixed with a
+great many wheedling words and gracious postures.
+
+The brown-threshers came next, and they were just as full of chatter and
+life as they were the year before. Birds never grow old, it seems to me,
+nor have I ever been able to determine when or where they die. The hunter
+kills but a very few, and those few of a certain kind. What becomes of the
+rest? They breed every spring in great numbers; but how, when, and where do
+they die? We do not find dead birds in the woods; at any rate, very few.
+Yes, the brown threshers were as young as ever. They looked very shabby and
+mussed when I last saw them in the fall; but now their brown clothes shone
+as cleanly as a Quaker-girl's shawl. They took up Nature's music-book, and
+rattled off all the songs, and glees, and anthems in it--very often making
+a medley of it, mixing the notes of the birds that were chanting around
+all together--and they often closed the performance with an original strain
+of their own, composed on the spot.
+
+When the swallows and the martins came, I knew that spring was fully
+established. They appeared suddenly during the night; for when the May sun
+arose, they were twittering and wheeling through the air, shooting up and
+plunging down in a kind of delicious rapture. Their music was set on the
+staff of blue skies, south-west winds, and flowers. There was not a note of
+winter in it. The woods, and streams, and fields seemed to have been
+waiting for their melody, for all Nature went to work, and was soon clad in
+beauty, and light, and song.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVII.
+
+     A Railroad through Puddleford.--Effect on Squire
+     Longbow.--Bright Prospects of Puddleford.--Change.--"The
+     Styleses."--The New Justice.--Aunt Sonora's Opinions.--Ike
+     Turtle grows too.--Venison disappears from among Men.--His
+     Grave, and his Epitaph.
+
+
+Reader, I have written for you the history of a year's residence at
+Puddleford. But the place is changed now--very much changed. It is not what
+it used to be--its people, its habits, are very different. This change was
+the result of a variety of causes. The first thing that happened to it--a
+startling event it was--a railroad was built plump through its heart. It
+was a road running a great distance, and it took Puddleford in its way
+merely because it happened to fall in its line. I shall never forget Squire
+Longbow's frenzied excitement the first time the locomotive came puffing
+and whistling in. He actually lost his dignity for the moment. He ran and
+wheezed after the steam-horse like a madman, lost his green eye-shade, and
+committed a very serious breach in the rear part of his pantaloons. He did
+not venture very near the machine at first, but sheltered himself behind a
+tree, where he could watch its panting and spitting without danger.
+
+I recollect how pompously the Squire talked on this occasion. He said "all
+nater couldn't stop Puddleford having ten thousand inhabitants 'fore
+'nother census--she'd be one of the _ex_-poriums (emporiums) of the
+West--it was nothing on airth that made Greece and Rome but these great
+etarnal improvements"--and as he was a kind of oracle among a large class,
+he infused a spirit of consequence and importance into those around him
+that was quite ludicrous. Ike Turtle, Sile Bates, the Beagles, and Swipes,
+and many others, actually mounted their Sunday clothes, and wore them every
+day--but whether Ike himself was in fun or earnest, no person could tell.
+
+The building of this road was the cause of a great change certainly; yet it
+changed not the population itself, but substituted another in its stead. It
+brought in a class of persons who had money, and money is omnipotent
+everywhere. It brought different habits, thoughts, and feelings. The
+"Styles family" first purchased a large farm near the village. There was an
+air about them that fairly awed the Puddlefordians. They were petted, run
+after, imitated. One could hear nothing but "Young Mr. Styles," "Old Mr.
+Styles," "The elderly Mrs. Styles," "Miss Arabella Styles," "Miss Florinda
+Styles." Miss Florinda and Arabella wore flaring under-clothes in those
+days, and this fashion fairly upset the heads of the Puddleford ladies; and
+in less than a month I could not identify half the women of the place.
+Their shrunken forms, stuffed with skirts, were about the shape of little
+pyramids.
+
+Purchases of farms and village property went on, year after year, until
+nearly every true Puddlefordian was ousted. The place has now, like the
+snake, cast its skin; and the old pioneers, they who hewed down the
+forest, and "bore the heat and burden of the day," are living around the
+outskirts of the village, with hardly a competence, or have emigrated to
+wilds still farther west.
+
+Squire Longbow, however, still holds his own. He still lives on the old
+spot--is just as wise and happy as ever. Time has not affected his
+intellect, or impaired his self-consequence. He is no longer justice of the
+peace, but in his place we have a pert, dapper, little fellow, who wears a
+large ring on his little finger, and gives very scholastic opinions. The
+Squire professes to hold him in contempt, and says he "runs agin the
+staterts and common law mor'n half the time"--that "he don't know a _fiery
+factus_ from a common execution"--that "he never looks inter the undying
+Story for 'thority, but goes on _squashing_ papers, right straight agin the
+constitution and the _etar_nal rights of man."
+
+Aunt Sonora was dissatisfied, too, with the revolution in society. She told
+me, the last time I saw her, that Puddleford was "made up of a hull passel
+of flip-er-ter-_gib_-its, and she couldn't see what in created natur' the
+place was a-comin' to--she never see'd such works in all her born days,"
+that "the men wore broadcloth, and the women silks, and flar'd and spread
+about like pea-cocks. Nobody does nuthin'," said she. "The dear massy! They
+are getting so hoity-toity! I _do_ wonder who pays!"
+
+Ike Turtle is about the only person who has grown with the place. There was
+no such thing as keeping _him_ under. He is just as humorous as ever, but a
+little more polished. Ike says "it won't do to let his natur' out as he
+used to, when the bushes were thick, and Squire Longbow was gov'ner"--that
+"he feels himself almost a-bustin' with one of his speeches, sometimes;
+but the folks wouldn't understand him if he made it--and as for law, he'd
+gin it all up--it had got to be so nice and genteel an article, there
+warn't a grain of justis' in it--everything was 'peal'd up, and 'peal'd up,
+until both parties themselves were 'peal'd to death." Ike has turned his
+attention to land and saw-mills, and is getting rich.
+
+Poor Venison Styles! Dear old hunter! Venison is dead, and his children are
+scattered in the wilderness. He was found, one May morning, stretched out
+under a large maple, his dog and gun by his side, stiff and cold. The
+brown-threshers and bluebirds were singing merrily above him, and the
+squirrels were chattering their nonsense in the distance. His dog lay with
+his nose near his master's face, his fore paw upon his shoulder. How he
+died, no one could tell. He is buried on a bluff that overlooks the river;
+and I have fenced his grave, and erected a stone over his remains, with
+this inscription--"Nature loved him, if man did not."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII.
+
+CONCLUSION.
+
+     The Philosophy of Puddleford.--Diverse Elements in Pioneer
+     Life.--Longbow and his Administration.--Not Expensive.--Two
+     Hundred a Year, all told.--What would Chief Justice Marshall
+     have done as Justice of Puddleford?--Longbow a great
+     Man.--Fame and Politics.--Ike, a Wheel.--Puddleford
+     Theology.--Camp-Meetings.--Who will do Bigelow's Work better
+     than Bigelow?--Great Happiness, and few Nerves.--No
+     "Society."--No Fashion in Clothes, or anything
+     else.--Bull's-Eye and Pinchbeck.--The Great Trade didn't
+     "Come Off."--Abounding Charity and Hospitality.--Pilgrim
+     Blood.--Longbow's.--Planting the _Mud-Sills_.--Old
+     Associations, how Controlling!--Good by, Reader.
+
+
+Reader, I cannot dismiss Puddleford without adding a chapter in conclusion.
+The pictures I have drawn suggest to me something more. There is a
+_philosophy_ that underlies the dignity of Longbow, the humor of Turtle,
+the rough sincerity of Aunt Sonora, the stormy and eccentric eloquence of
+Bigelow. Do you not think so?
+
+Puddleford was like a thousand other new settlements--it had its green
+state to pass through; and Puddleford's pioneers were like other
+pioneers--rough, honest, hardy, strong in common sense, but weak in the
+books. It was not a perfect organization, packed beforehand with men fitted
+to all the stations of life, like Hooker and his band. But one pioneer came
+after another--and notions, creeds, and prejudices, were all tumbled in
+together. Puddleford prospered, nevertheless. Every man was right upon the
+question of civil and religious liberty. Each person brought this law with
+him, written on his soul; and, however clumsily he might give it
+expression, the law was there, and he could not rid himself of it any more
+than he could throw off his nature. If Longbow administered the details of
+jurisprudence awkwardly, Longbow was, after all, right in leading
+principles. If Longbow at times trampled down technicalities, the
+community, on the average, did not suffer. If Longbow even made a little
+law now and then, to fill a gap, it was well made, and the gap well filled.
+Longbow might as well have attempted to shave an elephant with a razor as
+to manage the raw recruits of early Puddleford with subtle distinctions;
+and, besides, Longbow, as the reader has discovered, had no knowledge of
+that kind of instrument, nor was it necessary that he should have.
+Longbow's legal rules necessarily ran on a sliding-scale, and he fitted
+them to the case in hand, not to cases in general.
+
+The reader sees, then, a necessity for such men as Longbow in such a
+community. If it is impossible to find a man capable of preparing a
+technical set of legal papers, it is important to find a man who is
+incapable or unwilling to break them down. No man ever slipped through
+Longbow's fingers upon a mere technicality.
+
+Again, Longbow's judicial duties were not expensive. An expensive judicial
+tribunal would have ruined Puddleford outright. Puddleford was not only
+obliged to use such timber as it had for public men, but the timber must
+also be cheap. Longbow was no mahogany judge, polished and wrought into
+scrolls, though there were a great many lines and angles about him. He was
+a plain piece of green-ash, strong, yet elastic enough to bend when justice
+demanded. He was not an expensive article, and therefore the interest the
+public paid upon him was small. He would sit all day, amid the war and
+tumult of contending litigants, and breast the storm of insult that was
+heaped upon him from the right and the left, for four shillings and
+sixpence. I do not mean to say that he lacked self-respect--no man
+respected himself more--but he had, somehow or somewhere, imbibed the idea
+that pettifoggers were entitled to great latitude of speech, and that he
+was _paid_ for listening to them. I have seen the Squire many a time
+passing through one of these conflicts, when _his_ name was used very
+irreverently, holding as solemn a face as that worn by a marble statue of
+Solon.
+
+Longbow's annual income amounted to about two hundred dollars a year, and
+this Puddleford could "stand." But he had many duties to perform outside of
+his office of magistrate to insure him this amount. As I have said
+elsewhere, he was the grand Puddleford umpire, and, I am very certain,
+settled more difficulties as a man than a magistrate. School and highway
+districts and officers often got twisted in a snarl, and Longbow unravelled
+the knot--right or wrong it matters not, he put a finish to the matter;
+and, _whether_ right or wrong, reader, what difference did it make so long
+as no one else knew it, and everybody had confidence? If confidence will
+sustain a bank, ought not confidence to sustain Squire Longbow?
+
+And then A.'s pigs broke into B.'s garden--A.'s line-fence stood three feet
+on B.'s land. A. swore there was a legal, lawful highway across B.'s land;
+B. swore it was no such thing, and he would shoot the first man who
+crossed it. A. called B. a thief, and B. called A. another. A. agreed to
+break up for B., but never did, because B. refused to clear his land. A.
+and B. exchanged horses; A.'s horse had the heaves, and B.'s was spavined;
+and so on, trouble after trouble, how often and many in kind I cannot say,
+Squire Longbow has brought to a compromise. These were extrajudicial
+services, and the two hundred dollars a year covered all.
+
+If it had been possible to place Chief Justice Marshall, or even a finished
+city lawyer, in the seat of Squire Longbow, how signally he must have
+failed! He would have been utterly incompetent to the task, and would have
+burned his books, and fled from the settlement under cover of night.
+Confusion is often the best manager of confusion. A clean, clear,
+analytical mind might have flashed now and then, but it could never have
+governed the storm. While our finished lawyer was playing about a refined
+distinction, Longbow would bury all distinctions "ten fathoms deep," and
+end all controversy by repeating some old saying, and dismiss the whole
+matter as summarily as the adjournment of a cause.
+
+Longbow was not only a good man, a cheap man, but he was a great man.
+Greatness is relative, not absolute. I hope my friends do not intend to
+dispute the truth of this proposition; because I have the documents to
+prove it, when officially called upon to do so. Great men are like figures
+on a thermometer--some thermometers, it is true, are much longer, and
+contain a great many more figures than others. The only question any
+ambitious man cares to ask is, how many figures there are on the scale
+above his. The Puddleford thermometer was very short, dear reader, and
+Longbow's figure was the highest. Is not this fame? Puddleford fame, say
+you? Puddleford fame, indeed! It will outlast, I will wager my old hat, the
+fame of nine tenths of the members of Congress, who have for the last ten
+years blown themselves hoarse making speeches to their outraged and
+indignant constituency. Why, Longbow's name will be remembered in
+Puddleford years after his death; and how many names can you repeat of
+those who strutted through the last Congress, or how many of the members
+for your own district for the last thirty years? Fame, indeed! But I do not
+wish to quarrel about so fleeting a thing as fame, and I will, therefore,
+dismiss that subject.
+
+The politics of Puddleford were a little ridiculous; but Turtle's political
+fun was used by him as a means to carry out an end. Turtle's patriotism and
+Turtle's principles were beyond suspicion. Reader, there is no spot of
+American soil more truly patriotic than Puddleford. There are no great
+depositories--no central heart--in this country, from which American
+principles flow; every _man_ is a centre, a law unto himself. Ike Turtle
+was a centre; he was a kind of political wheel; ran on his own axis;
+borrowed no propelling power from abroad, but kept himself whirling with
+the spirit of '76, of which he had always a large supply on hand. He
+reminded me of a fire-wheel, used on celebration days, he cast off so many
+colored lights: now he whizzed; then he banged; now he shot forth stars;
+then spears of flame; but he was still a wheel, and always set himself in
+motion to some purpose.
+
+What shall I say of the theology of Puddleford? I have already alluded to
+it in the pages of this work. Permit me to say more. Creeds travel with
+men wherever they go. Creeds often colonize the wilderness; they have
+nerved more hearts, stirred and sustained more souls, scattered more
+civilization, than any or all other agents. But Puddleford was not settled
+by any particular idea, civil or religious; yet the Puddlefordians brought
+with them a great many ideas, both civil and religious. They were, however,
+incidental, not primary. The religious exercises of the country were like
+its people, ardent, strong, fiery, and often tempestuous. Bigelow Van Slyck
+was an embodiment of Puddleford theology. He did not argue doctrine, for
+two reasons: he did not know how, and he would not if he could; but, to use
+his own language, "he took sin by the horns, and held it by main force."
+
+A quiet religion with a Puddlefordian was synonymous with no religion.
+Religion with him was something to be seen, to touch, to handle. Puddleford
+religion was often very noisy, and it manifested itself in many ways. We
+used to have an outburst at camp-meeting, which was held once in each year
+by the prevailing sect in the country. A camp-meeting! The reader has
+attended a camp-meeting, I know; but _we_ had the genuine kind. Puddleford
+was depopulated on such occasions; and its inhabitants, supplied with the
+necessaries of life and a tent, went forth into the wilderness to give a
+high tone to their piety. They wanted air, and space, and time. All this
+was characteristic, and was like the people. What would _they_ have done
+inside a temple of springing arches and fretted dome--of statues looking
+coldly down from their niches--of pictured saints--where organ anthems
+rolled and trembled?
+
+What to the Puddlefordians were the refinements of religious exercises? The
+wild wood was their "temple not made with hands," columned, and curtained,
+and festooned, and lit up by the sun at day, and the stars at night; and
+here, in this temple, day after day, the people camped; in the more
+immediate presence of the Most High built their watch-fires, that sent up
+long streams of smoke over the green canopy that sheltered them, and knelt
+down to pray.
+
+The theology of Puddleford was brought out in strong relief at these
+meetings. They were business gatherings. The trials and crosses of every
+member were freely canvassed, and consolation administered. The "inner
+life" of each individual was thoroughly dissected--the spiritual condition
+of the vineyard in general carefully examined; sermons preached strong
+enough, both in voice and expression, to raise the dead; money was
+collected for benevolent purposes, and many more duties performed, which I
+cannot stop to mention.
+
+The reader sees that these men and women were laying the foundation timbers
+of many sects that must follow them--follow them with their houses of
+worship, their intelligence, their refinement, and, I may say, their
+theological abstractions, their shadows, and shades, and points of
+distinction. Who is there that could do Bigelow's work better than he? Who
+is there that will ever toil and sweat more hours in his Master's vineyard?
+And to whom will the posterity of Puddleford be more indebted?
+
+But, to drop the leading characters of Puddleford, let us go down a while
+among the rank and file; let us examine _their_ condition. And here I may
+get into trouble. Comparisons are said to be odious. I do not know who
+said it, nor do I care; the motive which one has in view must determine the
+truth of the remark. There was a vast deal of happiness in Puddleford. I do
+not now remember one nervous woman in the place. Think of that. If
+refinement brings its joys, it often covers a delicate, sensitive nature;
+but there was nobody delicate or sensitive at Puddleford; nobody went into
+fits because a rat crossed the floor, or a spider swung itself down in
+their way. The evening air was never too damp, nor the morning sun too
+oppressive. Labor made the people hardy, and an over-taxed brain hatched no
+bugbears. I verily believe the nightmare was never known. There were no
+persons tired of time--not that they had so much to do--but they were all
+contented with time and things as they were.
+
+You have discovered that there was no society in Puddleford; and when I say
+SOCIETY, I do not mean that there was no social intercourse, but society
+organized and governed by rules and regulations. Here was another blessing.
+Aunt Sonora never got into hysterics because Mrs. Beagles had not called on
+her for three weeks. Aunt Sonora would say, that "Mrs. Beagles might stay
+to hum as long as she was a min-ter." Aunt Sonora never worked herself up
+into a frustration because her gingerbread didn't rise when Squire Longbow
+took tea with her; but she just told the Squire, "he'd got-ter go it heavy,
+or go without." And then Aunt Sonora was under no obligation to make
+fashionable calls; she was not a fashionable lady; there was no fashion to
+call on. She did not go around and throw in a little very cold respect into
+her neighbor's parlor, because there were no parlors in Puddleford, and
+Aunt Sonora couldn't for the life of her do a formal thing if there had
+been. If she wanted to "blow out agin' any one," to use her language, why,
+she blew out, and in their faces, too, because the rules of her society had
+not taught her hypocrisy.
+
+There was another blessing. Puddlefordians were not continually tempted to
+covet some new thing of their neighbors. A new bonnet now and then raised a
+breeze; but no one was under any obligation to purchase a similar one. In
+other words, the laws of society did not dictate what one should wear. Aunt
+Sonora had worn her old plaid cloak for twenty years, and yet remained in
+society. Mrs. Beagle's "Leghorn," which looked something like a corn-fan,
+and came into the country with her, was orthodox. Turtle had a pair of
+breeches old enough in all conscience, the legs cut off above the knees,
+and turned, as he said, "hind side afore, to hide the holes in front,"
+which pettifogged as well as when they were new. Squire Longbow wore the
+same clouded-blue stockings that he did when first elected magistrate; but
+Mrs. Longbow had ravelled them up several times, and "footed them over." I
+dislike, reader, to go into particulars, and thus expose the wardrobe of
+the Puddlefordians, but I cannot express myself clearly on so important a
+point in any other way; and I promised at the commencement of this sketch
+to make it philosophical.
+
+I do not know how the reader will look on the blessings which I have just
+enumerated. He may be a leader of fashion; the shade and tie of his
+neckcloth may be as weighty and important a matter with him as his
+reputation. He may be one of those who religiously believe that a man, at
+a party, without a white vest, is no gentleman, and ought forthwith to be
+kicked, in a genteel way, headlong into the street. He may think it vulgar
+to laugh, and that no smile but a fashionable smile should be tolerated. He
+_may_, I say--and may think me an ----. But just pause a moment. I am only
+writing the history of Puddleford, my friend; and, besides, just sit down
+coolly, and think of the luxury there must be in sojourning at a place
+where one can wear his old clothes year in and year out, preserve public
+respect, and cut and turn his breeches at that!
+
+The household furniture of the Puddlefordians was always in fashion; in
+fact, there was a remarkable uniformity in this respect in all the cabins
+in the settlement. The white-wood table, wooden chairs, the dozen cups and
+saucers, the cook-stove and its furniture, bed and bedding, comprised the
+stock of nearly every family. Turtle often said that the people "didn't
+have as much furniter as the law allow'd 'em, and the state had got-ter
+make it up." It is discovered that this equality was productive of
+beneficial results. It was not possible for one Puddlefordian to envy
+another Puddlefordian. There was no fancy hundred-dollar rocking-chair
+exhibited to throw any one into spasms; there were no pianos bewitching the
+souls and purses of the community. (Reader, _I_ have no spite against
+pianos.) Why, in short, there was not anything there that was not there
+when the pioneers first planted themselves on the soil. I recollect that
+Sile Bates owned a pinchbeck watch, and Squire Longbow was the proprietor
+of a "bull's-eye," and they were both wonders. The Squire and Sile once
+attempted an exchange of these articles, and the transaction was so
+momentous that all Puddleford was kept in excitement for three weeks. The
+bargain was as important and solemn as a treaty between two high
+contracting powers. There was one point in the trade that was positively
+exciting. Sile had offered five dollars to boot, payable in saw-logs (no
+person paid money at Puddleford, unless by special agreement, "'fore
+witness"), and here the parties "hung fire" for several days. Turtle said
+the Squire "orter to strike;" Beagles said, "he'd get skin'd if he did;"
+Bulliphant said, "the pinchbeck was worn out;" Aunt Sonora said, her
+husband "tell'd her, that a man tell'd him, that he know'd Longbow's
+bull's-eye forty years afore, and it could scase tick then;" and much more
+was said; but, alas! the trade, to use Ike's language, "fizzled out," and
+Puddleford settled down again into its usual tranquillity.
+
+The philosophy of this attempted bargain is clear enough. There was nothing
+in Puddleford to excite envy. What there was, was old; no new thing was
+thrown in to tantalize. Longbow, it is true, once ventured upon a carpet,
+but, as he was a magistrate, the enterprise was deemed very proper. Do you
+not agree with me, that Puddleford had its blessings? Does not poverty
+often "bring healing on its wings"? How many are there in the world that
+would gladly flee from the chains of society, even to Puddleford, willing
+to fling themselves in some just such by-place of the world, where they
+could sit down perfectly independent, and take "their own ease in their own
+inn?" How many, reader?
+
+I must not forget the charity of the Puddlefordians. Charity and
+hospitality are distinguishing characteristics of western people. However
+violent feuds might rage, suffering and want were relieved, so far as
+there was an ability to do it. I have seen another kind of charity, a
+fashionable article, used according to the laws of etiquette, and not
+according to the laws of heartfelt sympathy. I do not know that any person
+was ever neglected in Puddleford because he or she did not belong to a
+particular church. Mrs. A. never refused to assist Mrs. B. in sickness,
+because she and Mrs. B. did not visit, or because she did not know Mrs. B.
+(That word, don't "_know_," in finished society, simply means, reader, that
+the person holds no intercourse.) But everybody _did_ know everybody in
+Puddleford; and when one of the number was stricken down by affliction, the
+remainder all "turned in," and "put their shoulders to the wheel." Why,
+bless you, reader, you ought to witness an eruption of Puddleford sympathy.
+You ought to see Aunt Sonora, with her apron loaded with boneset, sage, and
+a pail filled with gruel, hurrying along "for dear life," to relieve the
+distressed--Mrs. Swipes, with a little mustard, or a bit of "jel"; Mrs.
+Beagles, Aunt Graves, and Sister Abigail, with something else. Is not this
+something?
+
+I must, however, draw my "Conclusion" to a close. Permit me to do it
+gradually, as I have a word or two more to say, and I may never have
+another opportunity. The reader has, by this time, become quite intimate
+with the leading characters of Puddleford, and says, perhaps, "A queer
+compound." But do you know, reader, that Longbow, and Turtle, and I do not
+know how many more, trace their blood directly back to the Pilgrims? It is
+"as true as fate." And how they have become so metamorphosed is the
+question. Puddleford stock was, much of it, Puritan stock. Those old
+stalwart heroes, whose hearts were a living coal; whose wills, granite;
+whose home, heaven; who "walked by faith, not by sight;" before whose eyes
+moved "the cloud by day, and the pillar of fire by night;" who heard voices
+all around them, such as haunted John on the Isle of Patmos, are the
+progenitors of Longbow and Turtle. What a country is this of ours, to have
+worked such results!
+
+But I learned, upon inquiry, that Longbow's blood had experienced a very
+serious pilgrimage since its departure from its New England head. It had
+been mixed with Irish, and Scotch, and English, and German. In reality, the
+Squire was a kind of "compound" of all nations, as most Americans are. If
+it were possible to introduce Captain Standish, the military hero of 1620,
+or Bradford, or Winslow, to Squire Longbow, they would look as wildly at
+him as the boys did at poor Rip Van Winkle after his long sleep on the
+mountain. I am sure they would not be able to detect any resemblance to the
+Mayflower. They would find the Squire a little the worse for wear--ignorant
+in spiritual matters--discover that his psalm-book was lost, and he as
+blind as a beetle in the New-England catechism. But, after all, if they
+probed him deep, they would strike much, very much, of the old stuff,
+living and burning yet.
+
+The Squire's Pilgrim blood, too, had filled nearly all occupations in life.
+It had been a sailor--the master of a vessel--a merchant--fought in the
+Revolution--a preacher once, and once a lawyer. These facts I procured from
+the Squire for my special use, and they may be relied upon. And now that
+same blood was doing service at Puddleford as a magistrate. Whether blood
+changes occupation, or occupation blood, is a physiological question that I
+do not intend to debate. But that one can be surprised at any exhibition of
+American character, after looking into the crosses and counter-crosses of
+blood, is marvellous.
+
+Here is a sample of Puddleford blood, and such is the blood of many western
+pioneers. How much the world is indebted to the pioneer! He lays the
+foundation, let build who may. I regret the necessity of perpetrating a
+ridiculous figure, but I cannot help it: he plants deep the _mud-sills_ of
+empire, amid toil, and sweat, and groans, poverty and disease. The
+superstructure is always reared by other hands. The columns and capitals
+are the product of wealth and taste. How few of them reap the harvest,
+their cabins, now standing deserted and silent, and strewn thousands of
+miles over the West and North-west, abundantly testify.
+
+The pioneer severs all connection between himself and the past when he
+enters upon his work. I have already remarked that Puddleford had no past.
+He breaks all local ties, and snaps in twain the golden threads that link
+him to his home. The caravan that winds away from the old hearth-stone,
+where the first kiss was imprinted, the first prayer offered, where the
+winter cricket sang as the tempest roared without, and devotes itself to a
+wilderness, leaves behind what can never be found again. The barefooted
+striplings who gambol with it--the immortal seed to be sown, and to
+sow--from whose loins giants in thought, word, and action will spring--"may
+forget," and themselves become new centres of new associations--but men and
+women never.
+
+What constitutes a man?--a nation? Inhabitants only? The songs of a people
+stir them up to revolution--and what are they but the glowing language of
+the associations of the soul? What is Bannockburn to a savage? A plain,
+over which the winds blow and the thistles gather. What to a Scotchman? A
+living, breathing host! What to the pioneer is the memory of that church
+steeple that flung its long shadow over his boyhood, around whose vane the
+swallows whirled, and the evening sun lingered?--that bell that swung high
+therein?--the torrent that roared through his early years, and wove its
+music into his very being?--the lone cliff, where the cloud slept and the
+eagle rested? These all are a part of the man himself; and when he is torn
+from them, his very nature receives a shock, and he has lost, he hardly
+knows how or where, a portion of his very existence.
+
+Reader, you and I must part. How I ever happened to write the history of
+Puddleford is more than I can say. I have more than once been frightened at
+my impudence. In all probability you will never hear of me again in
+print--and, before we separate, reach me your hand--(if it is a lady's, it
+is all the better)--"Good by to you, my friend;" and if you should stray
+into Puddleford, I will set apart an hour, and give you an introduction to
+Squire Longbow--an honor to which, I am very sure, you cannot be insensible
+or indifferent.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Puddleford Papers,, by H. H. Riley
+
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+    .poem span.i2     {display: block; margin-left: 1em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+    .poem span.i4     {display: block; margin-left: 2em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+    .poem span.i3     {display: block; margin-left: 1.5em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+
+    </style>
+  </head>
+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Puddleford Papers,, by H. H. Riley
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Puddleford Papers,
+       Or Humors of the West
+
+Author: H. H. Riley
+
+Release Date: July 10, 2011 [EBook #36678]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE PUDDLEFORD PAPERS, ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Emmy, Darleen Dove, Josephine Paolucci and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net.
+(This file was produced from images generously made
+available by The Internet Archive.)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 529px;">
+<img src="images/i-001.jpg" width="529" height="650" alt="IKE TURTLE AND AUNT GRAVES.
+
+&quot;Marry? Me marry&mdash;marry a man&mdash;a great, awful man!&quot;&mdash;Page 160." title="" />
+<span class="caption">IKE TURTLE AND AUNT GRAVES.<br />
+
+&quot;Marry? <i>Me</i> marry&mdash;marry a man&mdash;a great, awful man!&quot;&mdash;Page 160.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h1>THE PUDDLEFORD PAPERS;</h1>
+
+<h4>OR,</h4>
+
+<h2>HUMORS OF THE WEST.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">By</span> H. H. RILEY.</h3>
+
+<h4><i>WITH ORIGINAL ILLUSTRATIONS.</i></h4>
+
+<p class="center">
+BOSTON:<br />
+LEE AND SHEPARD, PUBLISHERS.<br />
+<br />
+<span class="smcap">New York</span>:<br />
+LEE, SHEPARD AND DILLINGHAM.<br />
+<br />
+1875.<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1874,<br />
+<br />
+<span class="smcap">By</span> LEE AND SHEPARD,<br />
+<br />
+In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington.<br />
+<br />
+Stereotyped at the Boston Stereotype Foundry,<br />
+No. 19 Spring Lane.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span></p>
+<h2>PREFACE.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Everybody who writes a book, is expected to introduce it with a preface; to
+hang out a sign, the more captivating the better, informing the public what
+kind of entertainment may be expected within. I am very sorry that I am
+obliged to say that many a one has been wofully deceived by these outside
+proclamations, and some one may be again.</p>
+
+<p>I am unable to apologize to the public for inflicting this work upon it. It
+was not through "the entreaty of friends" that it was written. It is not
+the "outpourings of a delicate constitution." (I weigh one hundred and
+sixty pounds.) I was not driven into it "by a predestination to write,
+which was beyond my control." It is not "offered for the benefit of a few
+near relatives, who have insisted upon seeing it in print;" nor do I expect
+the public will tolerate it simply out of regard to my feelings, if their
+own feelings are not enlisted in its favor.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span></p><p>The book is filled with portraits of Puddleford and the Puddlefordians.
+The reader may never have seen the portrait of a genuine Puddlefordian.
+Bless me, how much that man has lost! If the reader does not like the
+painting after he <i>has</i> seen it, I cannot help it; it may be the fault of
+the original, or it may be from a want of skill in the painter.</p>
+
+<p>Like the carrier-pigeon, let it go, to return with glad tidings, or none at
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span>all.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>PREFACE TO THE THIRD EDITION.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Many years have passed since Puddleford was first published. In the
+meanwhile the world has turned round and round, and so has Puddleford. The
+book, too, has been growing in size, from time to time, and some new
+"matter" has been now introduced.</p>
+
+<p>The object of the book was not merely humor. It was hoped by the author
+that the reader would discover an undercurrent, showing strong points of
+human nature in the rough, and how at last the rugged rock becomes rounded
+and polished into the smooth stone&mdash;the iron cleaver turned into the
+tempered sword. How stern, honest men, who are driven to grapple and
+struggle with the hardships of a new country, meet and dispose of them in
+an irregular and home-made way, by striking at the root of the question,
+disregarding mere form. How the foundation of law, religion, and order is
+laid in strength, if not in beauty. How other generations build thereon the
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span>temple with its pillars and spire.</p>
+
+<p>I cannot attempt to describe the Puddleford of to-day. Ike Turtle is old
+and gray, but his children hold high positions in society and state. Some
+of them have Ike's thorny, sharp genius, but toned down by education and
+cultivation into method and power. Squire Longbow totters around on his
+staff, tries over his old cases with anybody who will listen to him,
+repeats his decisions of fifteen years ago, quotes Ike's jokes, and sums up
+all the testimony for the fortieth time to his weary listeners. Aunt Sonora
+has gone to her reward. Other courts are held in Puddleford now.
+Technicalities are observed. Law is law. How much more justice is
+administered, it is not for me to say.</p>
+
+<p>The book is once more before the public. The public have received it in the
+past quite as well as it deserved, perhaps. Its future is now committed to
+the public again.</p>
+
+<p class="sig">
+H. H. R.<br />
+<br />
+<span class="smcap">September 8, 1874.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CONTENTS.</h2>
+
+
+<h4>CHAPTER I.</h4>             <p><span class="tocnum">PAGE</span></p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Puddleford.&mdash;Eagle Tavern.&mdash;Mr. and Mrs. Bulliphant.&mdash;May
+Morning.&mdash;Birds.&mdash;Venison Styles.&mdash;General Character of
+Society.&mdash;The Colonel.&mdash;Venison Styles's Cabin.   <span class="tocnum"><a href='#Page_17'>17</a></span></p></div>
+
+
+<h4>CHAPTER II.</h4>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Lawsuit: Filkins against Beadle.&mdash;Squire Longbow and his
+Court.&mdash;Puddleford assembled.&mdash;Why Squire Longbow was a
+Great Man.&mdash;Ike Turtle and Sile Bates, Pettifoggers.&mdash;Mrs.
+Sonora Brown.&mdash;Uproar and Legal Opinions.&mdash;Seth
+Bolles.&mdash;Miss Eunice Grimes.&mdash;Argument to Jury, and Verdict.    <span class="tocnum"><a href='#Page_34'>34</a></span></p></div>
+
+
+<h4>CHAPTER III.</h4>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Wanderings in the Wilderness.&mdash;A Bee-Hunt.&mdash;Sunrise.&mdash;The
+Fox-Squirrel.&mdash;The Blue-Jay.&mdash;The Gopher.&mdash;The
+Partridges.&mdash;Wild Geese, Ducks, and Cranes.&mdash;Blackbirds and
+Meadow-Larks.&mdash;Venison's Account of the Bees' Domestic
+Economy.&mdash;How Venison found what he was in Search of.&mdash;Honey
+secured.&mdash;After-Reflections.  <span class="tocnum"><a href='#Page_54'>54</a></span></p></div>
+
+
+<h4>CHAPTER IV.</h4>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>The Log-Chapel.&mdash;Father Beals.&mdash;Aunt Graves.&mdash;Sister
+Abigail.&mdash;Bigelow Van Slyck, the Preacher.&mdash;His
+Entr&eacute;e.&mdash;How<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span> he worked.&mdash;One of his Sermons.&mdash;Performance
+of the Choir.&mdash;"Coronation" achieved.&mdash;Getting into
+Position.&mdash;Personal Appeals.&mdash;Effect on the
+Congregation.&mdash;Sabbath in the Wilderness.&mdash;Is Bigelow the
+only Ridiculous Preacher?   <span class="tocnum"><a href='#Page_66'>66</a></span></p></div>
+
+
+<h4>CHAPTER V.</h4>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Indian Summer.&mdash;Venison Styles again.&mdash;Jim Buzzard.&mdash;Fishing
+Excursion.&mdash;Muskrat City.&mdash;Indian Burying-Ground.&mdash;The
+Pickerel and the Rest of the Fishes.&mdash;The Prairie.&mdash;Wild
+Geese.&mdash;The Old Mound.&mdash;Venison's Regrets at the
+degenerating Times.&mdash;His Luck, and Mine.&mdash;Reminiscences of
+the Beavers.&mdash;Camping out.&mdash;Safe Return.  <span class="tocnum"><a href='#Page_81'>81</a></span></p></div>
+
+
+<h4>CHAPTER VI.</h4>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Educational Efforts.&mdash;Squire Longbow's "Notis."&mdash;"The
+Saterday Nite."&mdash;Ike and the Squire.&mdash;Various Remarks to the
+Point.&mdash;Mrs. Fizzle and the Temperance Question.&mdash;Collection
+taken.&mdash;General Result.  <span class="tocnum"><a href='#Page_96'>96</a></span></p></div>
+
+
+<h4>CHAPTER VII.</h4>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Social War.&mdash;Longbow, Turtle &amp; Co.&mdash;Bird, Swipes, Beagle &amp;
+Co.&mdash;Mrs. Bird.&mdash;Mrs. Beagle.&mdash;Mrs. Swipes.&mdash;Turkey and
+Aristocracy.&mdash;Scandal.&mdash;Husking-Bees, and "such like."&mdash;The
+Calathumpian Band.&mdash;The Horse-Fiddle.&mdash;The Giant
+Trombone.&mdash;The Gyastacutas.&mdash;Tuning up.&mdash;Unparalleled
+Effort.&mdash;Puddleford still a Representative Place.  <span class="tocnum"><a href='#Page_105'>105</a></span></p></div>
+
+
+<h4>CHAPTER VIII.</h4>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Puddleford and Politics.&mdash;Higgins against Wiggins.&mdash;The
+Candidates' Personale.&mdash;Their Platforms.&mdash;Delicate
+Questions.&mdash;Stump Speaking.&mdash;Wiggins on
+Higgins.&mdash;Impertinent Interruptions.&mdash;Higgins on
+Wiggins.&mdash;Ike Turtle not dead yet.&mdash;Commotion.&mdash;Squire
+Longbow restores Order.&mdash;Grand Stroke of Policy.&mdash;The Roast
+Ox at Gillett's Corners.  <span class="tocnum"><a href='#Page_115'>115</a></span></p></div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<h4>CHAPTER IX.</h4>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Winter upon us.&mdash;The Roosters in the early Morning.&mdash;The
+Blue-Jays and the Squirrels.&mdash;The Improvident Turkey.&mdash;The
+Domestic Hearth, and who occupied it.&mdash;The Old Dog.&mdash;The
+Blessed Old Mail-Horse.&mdash;The Newspapers.&mdash;Our
+Come-to-Tea.&mdash;Mrs. Brown, her Arrival and
+Experiences.&mdash;Entr&eacute;e of Bird, Beagles &amp; Co.&mdash;Conflicting
+Elements, and how Ike Turtle assimilated all.&mdash;Gratifying
+Consequences.  <span class="tocnum"><a href='#Page_128'>128</a></span></p></div>
+
+
+<h4>CHAPTER X.</h4>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Mrs. Longbow taken sick.&mdash;General Interest.&mdash;Dr.
+Teazle.&mdash;His Visit.&mdash;"The Rattles."&mdash;Scientific
+Diagnosis.&mdash;A Prescription.&mdash;Short and Dr. Dobbs.&mdash;"Pantod
+of the Heart."&mdash;Dismissal of Teazle.&mdash;Installation of
+Dobbs.&mdash;"Scyller and Chara<i>bi</i>des."&mdash;Ike's Views.&mdash;The
+Colonel's.&mdash;Bates's.&mdash;Mrs. Longbow dies.&mdash;Who killed her:
+conflicting Opinions.&mdash;Her Funeral.&mdash;Bigelow Van Slyck's
+Sermon.&mdash;Interment.  <span class="tocnum"><a href='#Page_148'>148</a></span></p></div>
+
+
+<h4>CHAPTER XI.</h4>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Squire Longbow in Mourning.&mdash;The Great Question.&mdash;Aunt
+Sonora's Opinion.&mdash;Other People's.&mdash;The Squire goes to
+Church.&mdash;His Appearance on that Occasion.&mdash;Aunt Graves, and
+her Extra Performance.&mdash;"Nux Vomica."&mdash;Anxious
+Mothers.&mdash;Mary Jane Arabella Swipes.&mdash;Sister Abigail.&mdash;Ike
+Turtle, and his Designs.&mdash;He calls on Aunt Graves.&mdash;She'll
+go it.&mdash;Sister Abigail's Objection.&mdash;The Squire's First Love
+Letter.&mdash;The Wedding.&mdash;Great Getting-up.&mdash;Turtle's
+Examination.&mdash;The Squire runs the Risk of "the
+Staterts."&mdash;Bigelow's Ceremony.&mdash;General Break-Down.&mdash;Not
+<i>very</i> Drunk.  <span class="tocnum"><a href='#Page_156'>156</a></span></p></div>
+
+
+<h4>CHAPTER XII.</h4>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>The Group at "The Eagle."&mdash;Entr&eacute;e of a Stranger.&mdash;His
+Opinion of the Tavern.&mdash;Bulliphant wakes up.&mdash;Can't pick
+Fowls after Dark.&mdash;Sad Case of Mother Gantlet and Dr.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span>
+Teazle.&mdash;Mr. Farindale begins to unbend.&mdash;Whistle &amp; Sharp,
+and their Attorney.&mdash;Good Pay.&mdash;Legal Conversation.&mdash;Going
+Sniping.&mdash;Great Description of the Animal.&mdash;The Party start,
+Farindale holding the Bag.&mdash;"Waiting for
+Snipe."&mdash;Farindale's Solitary Return.&mdash;His Interview with
+Whistle &amp; Sharp.&mdash;Suing a Puddleford Firm.&mdash;Relief
+Laws.&mdash;Farindale gets his Execution.&mdash;The Puddleford
+Bank.&mdash;The Appraisers.&mdash;Proceeds of the Execution.  <span class="tocnum"><a href='#Page_166'>166</a></span></p></div>
+
+
+<h4>CHAPTER XIII.</h4>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>The "Fev-Nag."&mdash;Conflicting Theories.&mdash;"Oxergin and
+Hydergin."&mdash;Teazle's Rationale.&mdash;The Scourge of the
+West.&mdash;Sile Bates, and his Condition.&mdash;Squire Longbow and
+Jim Buzzard.&mdash;Puddleford prostrate.&mdash;Various
+Practitioners.&mdash;"The Billerous Duck."&mdash;Pioneer
+Martyrs.&mdash;Wave over Wave.  <span class="tocnum"><a href='#Page_182'>182</a></span></p></div>
+
+
+<h4>CHAPTER XIV.</h4>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Uncommonly Common Schools.&mdash;Annual School District
+Meeting.&mdash;Accounts for Contingent Expenses.&mdash;Turtle and Old
+Gulick's Boy.&mdash;"That are Glass."&mdash;The Colonel starts the
+Wheels again.&mdash;Bulliphant's Tactics.&mdash;Have we hired "Deacon
+Fluett's Darter," or not?&mdash;Isabel Strickett.&mdash;Bunker Hill
+and Turkey.&mdash;Sah-Jane Beagles.&mdash;The Question settled.  <span class="tocnum"><a href='#Page_190'>190</a></span></p></div>
+
+
+<h4>CHAPTER XV.</h4>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Venison Styles again.&mdash;Sermon on Nature.&mdash;Funeral Songs of
+the Birds.&mdash;Their Flight and Return.&mdash;His Theory of
+Government.&mdash;Sakoset.&mdash;The Indians.  <span class="tocnum"><a href='#Page_198'>198</a></span></p></div>
+
+
+<h4>CHAPTER XVI.</h4>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Some Account of John Smith.&mdash;Nicknames.&mdash;Progress of the
+Age.&mdash;The Colonel's Opinion of Science.&mdash;John Smith's
+Dream.&mdash;Ike Turtle's Dream.&mdash;Ike takes the Boots.  <span class="tocnum"><a href='#Page_206'>206</a></span></p></div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<h4>CHAPTER XVII.</h4>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Ike Turtle in his Office.&mdash;The Author consults him on Point
+of Law.&mdash;Taxes of Non-Residents.&mdash;Law in Puddleford.&mdash;Mr.
+Bridget's Case.&mdash;Legal Discussion.&mdash;The Case settled.  <span class="tocnum"><a href='#Page_222'>222</a></span></p></div>
+
+
+<h4>CHAPTER XVIII.</h4>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>The Wilderness around Puddleford.&mdash;The Rivers and the
+Forests.&mdash;Suggestions of Old Times.&mdash;Footprints of the
+Jesuits.&mdash;Vine-covered Mounds.&mdash;Visit to the Forest.&mdash;The
+Early Frost.&mdash;The Forest Clock.&mdash;The Woodland Harvest.&mdash;The
+Last Flowers.&mdash;Nature sowing her Seed.&mdash;The Squirrel in the
+Hickory.&mdash;Pigeons, their Ways and their Haunts.&mdash;The
+Butterflies and the Bullfrog.&mdash;Nature and her Sermons.&mdash;Her
+Temple still open, but the High-priest gone.  <span class="tocnum"><a href='#Page_230'>230</a></span></p></div>
+
+
+<h4>CHAPTER XIX.</h4>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>The Old New England Home.&mdash;The Sheltered Village.&mdash;The
+Ancient Buildings.&mdash;Dormer Windows.&mdash;An Old Puritanical
+Home.&mdash;The Old Puritan Church.&mdash;The Burying-Ground.&mdash;Deacon
+Smith, his Habits and his Helpers.&mdash;Major Simeon Giles, his
+Mansion and his Ancestry.&mdash;Old Doctor Styles.&mdash;Crapo
+Jackson, the Sexton.&mdash;"Training Days."&mdash;Militia
+Dignitaries.&mdash;Major Boles.&mdash;Major General
+Peabody.&mdash;Preparations and Achievements.&mdash;Demolition of an
+Apple Cart.&mdash;"Shoulder Arms!"&mdash;Colonel Asher Peabody.&mdash;The
+Boys, and their World.&mdash;My Last Look at my Native Village.    <span class="tocnum"><a href='#Page_239'>239</a></span></p></div>
+
+
+<h4>CHAPTER XX.</h4>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>First Militia Law in Puddleford.&mdash;Aunt Sonora opposed to
+it.&mdash;Turtle sets her right.&mdash;Meeting to choose
+Officers.&mdash;Longbow electioneers for Captain: takes the
+Chair.&mdash;Turtle objects.&mdash;P'ints of Order.&mdash;<i>Vivy Vocy</i> Vote
+won't do.&mdash;Legally authorized Boxes must be had.&mdash;Longbow's
+Speech.&mdash;Turtle fined for Contempt.&mdash;Longbow elected
+Captain.&mdash;Great<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span> Military Turn-out.&mdash;Company turn a Circle;
+Break down.&mdash;Turn an Angle; Break down again.&mdash;Address to
+Troops.&mdash;Adjourn <i>sine die</i>.  <span class="tocnum"><a href='#Page_256'>256</a></span></p></div>
+
+
+<h4>CHAPTER XXI.</h4>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Mrs. Bird gets in a Rage.&mdash;Starve a Child.&mdash;Mrs. Bird blows
+off at Mrs. Beagle.&mdash;Takes Breath.&mdash;Blows off again.&mdash;Mrs.
+Beagle gives a Piece of her Mind.&mdash;Aunt Sonora drops
+in.&mdash;She has no Faith in Second Wives.&mdash;All adjourn to the
+House of Mrs. Swipes.&mdash;General Fight of Tongues.&mdash;Mrs.
+Swipes gives her Opinion.&mdash;A Dead Set by all upon Mrs.
+Longbow.&mdash;Mrs. Longbow raps at the Door.&mdash;The Scene
+changes.&mdash;Final Wind-up.  <span class="tocnum"><a href='#Page_272'>272</a></span></p></div>
+
+
+<h4>CHAPTER XXII.</h4>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Appeal of Case Filkins <i>vs.</i> Beadle.&mdash;Turtle's Affidavit and
+"P'ints."&mdash;Longbow's Return.&mdash;County Court.&mdash;Turtle opens
+his Law "P'ints."&mdash;Bates replies.&mdash;A Fight.&mdash;Collateral
+Ish-ers.&mdash;Squire Longbow present.&mdash;The Court sustains Squire
+Longbow.&mdash;Turtle gets into a Passion.&mdash;Impanelling the
+Jury.&mdash;Mr. Buzzlebaum leaves.&mdash;Mr. Tumbleton upsets
+Ike.&mdash;Mr. Flummer is cut short bob off.&mdash;Ike opens to the
+Jury.&mdash;The Trial.&mdash;Charge of the Court.&mdash;Jury retire.&mdash;Can't
+agree.  <span class="tocnum"><a href='#Page_284'>284</a></span></p></div>
+
+
+<h4>CHAPTER XXIII.</h4>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Amusements in Puddleford.&mdash;The Highland Fling.&mdash;A Fire-eater
+comes next.&mdash;Runs a Sword down his Throat.&mdash;Starts his
+Ribbon Factory.&mdash;Borrows Squire Longbow's Hat.&mdash;Boils Eggs
+in it.&mdash;The Squire gets into a Passion.&mdash;The Grand Caravan
+is posted.&mdash;Squire Longbow lectures on the Lion.&mdash;Bigelow
+Van Slyck follows on the Ichneumon.&mdash;The Caravan
+arrives.&mdash;Great Excitement.&mdash;Jim Buzzard still
+himself.&mdash;Aunt Sonora in Trouble.&mdash;The Band blows away.&mdash;The
+Canvas is raised.&mdash;Terrible Press of Puddlefordians.&mdash;The
+Keeper shows up the Lion.&mdash;Explains why he has no Hair.&mdash;The
+Ichneumon is found at last.&mdash;The Monkey Ride.&mdash;Breaking up.    <span class="tocnum"><a href='#Page_309'>309</a></span></p></div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<h4>CHAPTER XXIV.</h4>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>The Tinkhams arrive.&mdash;Great Stir.&mdash;Miss Lavinia Longbow's
+Head is turned.&mdash;Everybody in Love with the Tinkhams.&mdash;Wind
+changes.&mdash;The Tinkhams fall.&mdash;The whole Pack out on
+them.&mdash;They abandon the Settlement.  <span class="tocnum"><a href='#Page_337'>337</a></span></p></div>
+
+
+<h4>CHAPTER XXV.</h4>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>And still New England.&mdash;Sui Generis.&mdash;Her Ruggedness the
+Soil of Liberty.&mdash;The Contrast.&mdash;The New England
+Conservative.&mdash;The New England Man of Business.&mdash;The West
+has no Past.&mdash;<i>Fast</i>, and Hospitable.&mdash;Saxon Blood and Saxon
+Spirit.  <span class="tocnum"><a href='#Page_346'>346</a></span></p></div>
+
+
+<h4>CHAPTER XXVI.</h4>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Spring at the West.&mdash;"Sugar Days."&mdash;Performances of the
+Cattle.&mdash;April.&mdash;Advent of the Blue-Jays and the Crows.&mdash;The
+Bluebirds, Phebes, and Robins.&mdash;April and its Inspiring
+Days.&mdash;The Frogs and their Concerts.&mdash;Gophers, Squirrels,
+Ants; Swallows, Brown-Threshers, and Blackbirds.&mdash;The
+Swallows, the Martins, and the Advent of May.  <span class="tocnum"><a href='#Page_357'>357</a></span></p></div>
+
+
+<h4>CHAPTER XXVII.</h4>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>A Railroad through Puddleford.&mdash;The Effect on Squire
+Longbow.&mdash;Bright Prospects of Puddleford.&mdash;Change.&mdash;"The
+Styleses."&mdash;The New Justice.&mdash;Aunt Sonora's Opinions.&mdash;Ike
+Turtle grows too.&mdash;Venison disappears from among Men.&mdash;His
+Grave and his Epitaph.  <span class="tocnum"><a href='#Page_368'>368</a></span></p></div>
+
+
+<h4>CHAPTER XXVIII.</h4>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p><span class="smcap">Conclusion.</span>&mdash;The Philosophy of Puddleford.&mdash;Diverse Elements
+in Pioneer Life.&mdash;Longbow and his Administration.&mdash;Not
+Expensive.&mdash;Two Hundred a Year, all told.&mdash;What would Chief
+Justice Marshall have done as Justice of
+Puddleford?&mdash;Longbow a great Man.&mdash;Fame and Politics.&mdash;Ike,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span>
+a Wheel.&mdash;Puddleford Theology.&mdash;Camp-Meetings.&mdash;Who will do
+Bigelow's Work better than Bigelow?&mdash;Great Happiness, and
+few Nerves.&mdash;No "Society."&mdash;No Fashion in Clothes, or
+anything else.&mdash;Bull's-Eye and Pinchbeck.&mdash;The Great Trade
+didn't "Come Off."&mdash;Abounding Charity and
+Hospitality.&mdash;Pilgrim Blood.&mdash;Longbow's.&mdash;Planting the
+<i>Mud-Sills</i>.&mdash;Old Associations, how Controlling!&mdash;Good by,
+Reader.  <span class="tocnum"><a href='#Page_372'>372</a></span></p></div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span></p>
+<h2>THE PUDDLEFORD PAPERS.</h2>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>CHAPTER I.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Puddleford.&mdash;Eagle Tavern.&mdash;Mr. and Mrs. Bulliphant.&mdash;May
+Morning.&mdash;Birds.&mdash;Venison Styles.&mdash;General Character of
+Society.&mdash;The Colonel.&mdash;Venison Styles' Cabin.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>The township of Puddleford was located in the far west, and was, and is,
+unknown, I presume, to a large portion of my readers. It has never been
+considered of sufficient importance by atlas-makers to be designated by
+them; and yet men, women, and children live and die in Puddleford. Its
+population helps make up the census of the United States every ten years;
+it helps make governors, congressmen, presidents. Puddleford does, and
+fails to do, a great many things, just like the "rest of mankind," and yet
+who knows and cares anything about Puddleford?</p>
+
+<p>Puddleford was well enough as a township of land, and beautiful was its
+scenery. It was spotted with bright, clear lakes, reflecting the trees that
+stooped over them; and straight through its centre flowed a majestic river,
+guarded by hills on either side. The village of Puddleford (there was a
+village of Puddleford, too) stood huddled in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span> a gorge that opened up from
+the river; and through it, day and night, a little brook ran tinkling
+along, making music around the "settlement." The houses in Puddleford were
+very shabby indeed; I am very sorry to be compelled to make that fact
+public, but they were very shabby. Some were built of logs, and some of
+boards, and some were never exactly built at all, but came together through
+a combination of circumstances which the "oldest inhabitant" has never been
+able to explain. The log-houses were just like log-houses in every place
+else; for no person has yet been found with impudence enough to suggest an
+improvement. A pile of logs, laid up and packed in mud; a mammoth
+fireplace, with a chimney-throat as large; a lower story and a garret,
+connected in one corner by a ladder, called "Jacob's ladder," are its
+essentials. A few very ambitious persons in Puddleford had, it is true,
+attempted to build frame-houses, but there was never one entirely finished
+yet. Some of them had erected a frame only, when, their purses having
+failed, the enterprise was left at the mercy of the storms. Others had
+covered their frames; and one citizen, old Squire Longbow, had actually
+finished off two rooms; and this, in connection with the office of justice
+of the peace, gave him a standing and influence in the settlement almost
+omnipotent.</p>
+
+<p>The reader discovers, of course, that Puddleford was a very
+miscellaneous-looking place. It appeared unfinished, and ever likely to be.
+It did really seem that the houses, and cabins, and sheds, and pig-sties,
+had been sown up and down the gorge, as their owners sowed wheat. The only
+harmony about the place was the harmony of confusion.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Puddleford had a population made up of all sorts of people, who had been,
+from a variety of causes, thrown together just there; and every person
+owned a number of dogs, so that it was very difficult to determine which
+were numerically the strongest, the inhabitants or the dogs. There were
+great droves of cows owned, too, which were in the habit of congregating
+every morning, and marching some miles to a distant marsh to feed to the
+jingle of the bells they wore on their necks.</p>
+
+<p>There was one public house at Puddleford. It was built of logs, with a long
+stoop running along its whole front, supported by trunks of trees roughly
+cut from the woods, and bark and knots were preserved in the full strength
+and simplicity of nature. Its bar-room was the resort of all the leading
+men of Puddleford, besides several ragged boys and these self-same dogs. It
+stood in the centre of the village, and announced itself to the public
+through a sign, upon which were painted a cock crowing and a spread eagle.
+The bar was fenced off in one corner of the room, and was supplied with
+three bottles of whiskey, called, according to their color, brandy, rum,
+and gin; but fly-tracks and dust had so completely covered them, that the
+kind of liquor was determined by the pledge of the landlord, that always
+passed current. There were also about a dozen mouldy crackers laid away on
+the shelf in a discarded cigar-box, intended more particularly for the
+travelling public. The walls of the bar-room were illuminated by a large
+menagerie advertisement, which was the only real display of the fine arts
+that ever entered the place. Upon a table, near the centre of the room,
+stood a backgammon and checker-board, which were in use from the rising<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span>
+sun to midnight. Pipes, crusted thick with soot, lay scattered about on the
+window-stools and chimney-shelf&mdash;old stubs that had seen service&mdash;and all
+over the floor rolled great quids of tobacco, ancient and modern, the
+creatures of yesterday and years ago; for the floor of the "Eagle
+Tavern"&mdash;such it was called&mdash;of Puddleford was never profaned by a broom,
+nor its windows with water. He who attempted to look out would have
+supposed there was an eternal fog in the streets.</p>
+
+<p>The ladies' parlor, belonging to the Eagle Tavern of Puddleford, was a very
+choice spot, and had been fitted up without regard to expense. Its floor
+was covered with a faded rag-carpet, and its walls were enlivened with a
+shilling print, showing forth Noah's Ark, and the animals entering therein.
+Any person who had an eye for the practical, could see just how Noah loaded
+his craft, as the picture brought out clearly a long plank thrown ashore,
+up which the animals were climbing. I have often thought that I never saw
+it rain so tremendously as it did in that picture. Near by hung a six-penny
+likeness of Washington, somewhat defaced, as some irreverent Puddleford boy
+had run his finger through the old general's eye, which detracted very much
+from the dignity of his expression. He looked rather funny with one eye
+cocked; and he felt, I presume&mdash;that is, if pictures can feel&mdash;just as
+funny as he looked.</p>
+
+<p>One advantage which the lodging-rooms of this tavern possessed ought not to
+be overlooked. They were lit up by the everlasting stars, and the tired
+traveller could go to sleep by the dancing rays that shot down through the
+crevices of the roof above.</p>
+
+<p>"Old Stub Bulliphant," as he was called, was, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span> had been for years,
+landlord of the "Eagle." He was about five feet high, and nearly as many in
+circumference. His eyes were of no particular color, although they were
+once. His eye-lashes had been scorched off by alcoholic fire; and nature,
+to keep up appearances, in a fit of desperation, substituted in their stead
+a binding of red, which looked like two little rainbows hanging upon a
+storm, for a rheumy water was continually running between them. His nose
+was very red, and his face was always in blossom, winter and summer. A pair
+of tow breeches and a red flannel shirt composed his wardrobe two thirds of
+the year. The truth is, the old fellow drank, and always drank, and he
+became, finally, preserved in spirits.</p>
+
+<p>Puddleford was not destitute of a church, not by any means. The
+"log-chapel," when I first became acquainted with the place, was an ancient
+building. It was erected at a period almost as early as the tavern&mdash;not
+quite&mdash;temporal wants pressing the early settlers closer than spiritual.</p>
+
+<p>This, precious reader, is a skeleton view of Puddleford, as it existed when
+I first knew it. Just out of this village, some time during the last ten
+years, I took possession of a large tract of land, called "Burr-oak
+Opening," that is, a wide, sweeping plain, thinly clad with burr-oaks. Few
+sights in nature are more beautiful. The eye roams over these parks
+unobstructed by undergrowth, the trees above, and the sleeping shadows on
+the grass below.</p>
+
+<p>The first time I looked upon this future home of mine, it lay calm and
+bright, bathed in the warm sun of a May morning, and filled with birds. The
+buds were just<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span> breaking into leaf, and the air was sweet with the wildwood
+fragrance of spring. Piles of mosses, soft as velvet, were scattered about.
+Wild violets, grouped in clusters, the white and red lupin, the mountain
+pink, and thousands of other tiny flowers, bright as sparks of fire,
+mingled in confusion. It was alive with birds; the brown thrasher, the
+robin, the blue-jay, poured forth their music to the very top of their
+lungs. The thrasher, with his brown dress and very quizzical look,
+absolutely revelled in a luxury of melody. He mocked all the birds about
+him. Now he was as good a blue-jay as blue-jay himself, and screamed as
+loud; but suddenly bouncing around on a limb, and slowly stretching out his
+wings, he died away in a most pathetic strain; then, darting into another
+tree, and turning his saucy eye inquisitively down, he rattled off a chorus
+or two, that I might know he was not so sad a fellow after all. Now, his
+soft, flute-like notes fairly melted in his throat; then he drew out a
+long, violin strain the whole length of his bow; then a blast on his
+trumpet roused all the birds. He was "everything by turns, and nothing
+long." After completing his performance, away he went, and his place, in a
+moment almost, was occupied by another, repeating the medley, for the whole
+wood was alive with them.</p>
+
+<p>Scores of blue-jays, in the tops of the trees, were picking away at the
+tender buds. The robin, that household bird, first loved by our children,
+was also here. Sitting alone and apart, in a reverie, and blowing
+occasionally his mellow pipe, he seemed to exist only for his own comfort,
+and to forget that he was one of the choristers of the wood. Woodpeckers
+were flitting hither and thither; troops of quails whistled in the
+distance;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span> the oriole streamed out his bright light through the green
+branches; there was a winnowing of wings, a dashing of leaves, as birds
+came rushing in and out. It was their festival.</p>
+
+<p>This scene was heightened by the appearance of a hunter. He was a noble
+specimen of the physical man. Tall, brawny&mdash;a giant in strength&mdash;his form
+loomed up in the distance. He was attired with a red flannel "wamus," a
+leathern belt girt around his waist, deer-skin leggins and moccasons, and a
+white felt hat that ran up to a peak. His rifle and shot-pouch were slung
+around him, and a few fox-squirrels hung dangling on his belt. His whole
+figure exhibited a harmony of proportion, a majesty of combination,
+sometimes seen in Roman statues. As I approached him, his face fairly
+beamed with rustic intelligence and good nature, and the old man grasped me
+by the hand, and shook it as heartily as if he had known me a thousand
+years.</p>
+
+<p>"So you are the person," said Venison Styles,&mdash;for such I afterwards
+learned was the name he went by in the neighborhood,&mdash;"so you are the
+person that's come in here to settle, I s'pose&mdash;to cut down the trees and
+plough up this ere ground." I told him I was. "Well," said he, "so it goes;
+I have moved and moved, and I can't keep out of the way of these ploughs
+and axes. It was just as much as the deer, and beaver, and otter, <i>could</i>
+do, to stand them government surveyors that went tramping around among 'em,
+just as though they were going to be sold out wher-or-no. And then,"
+continued Styles, growing warmer, "they tried to form a thing they called a
+school <i>de</i>-strict about my ears; and then came a church, and they put a
+little bell on it, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span> that scart out the game. Game can't stand
+church-bells, stranger, they can't; they clears right out."</p>
+
+<p>I tried to soothe the old man's feelings, and among other things, advised
+him to give up his hunting and fishing, and settle down, and till the soil
+for a living.</p>
+
+<p>"What on airth does anybody want to till the soil for?" replied Styles.
+"What does the soil want <i>tilling</i> for? Warn't the airth made right in the
+first place? The woods were filled with beast and bird, warn't they? and
+the whole face of natur covered with grass and wild fruits? and streams and
+lakes were scattered everywhere? Ain't there enough to eat, and drink, and
+wear, growing nat'ral in the woods? and what else does anybody want,
+stranger?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, but you are growing old, and your sight is dim, my friend," said I.</p>
+
+<p>"Old! dim! eyes bad! no! no! Venison Styles is good for twenty years yet. I
+don't take physic. There ain't no more use of taking such stuff, than there
+is of giving it to my dogs. 'Tain't nat'ral to take it, not no how. All a
+man wants in sickness is a little saxafax-tea, or something warmin' of that
+sort. Children are all spi'lt nowadays. Their heads and inards are crammed
+with physic and larning, and they ain't good for nothing. For my part, I
+hate physic, books, newspapers, and even the mail-carrier. None of my folks
+were troubled with larning; for, as near as I can tell, the old man (his
+father) died hunting game and furs down on the 'Hios, when it 'twas all
+woods there, and I never know'd of his writing or reading any."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Venison," said I, "how long have you been around in these parts?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Not mor-nor four or five years, or so about," answered Styles. "The game
+and I have kept running westard and westard, from civilization, as they
+call it, till I have travelled nigh on a thousand miles, or so. I used to
+hunt and trap way down on Erie, before them steamboats came a-snorting up,
+but when they came, they scart all the deer and everything out of the woods
+and streams; and then I left, too. This rifle," continued Styles, "this
+rifle has been along with me for forty years. I have eat and slept with it.
+I have worn out mor-nor twenty dogs&mdash;fairly <i>worn</i> 'em out, and buried
+every one with a tear; and byme-by old Venison himself will go, but he is
+good on the track yet."</p>
+
+<p>I assented to much that was said by old Styles, and growing warmer the more
+interest I took in him, he rattled on about civilization&mdash;its effects, &amp;c.,
+&amp;c.; and, finally, looking into a tree, where a cluster of spring birds
+were singing, he turned to me, and pointing upward&mdash;"Do you hear that?" he
+exclaimed; "that music was made when the world was&mdash;them throats warn't
+tuned by any singing-master; they always keep in order. If men would only
+jist let natur alone, we could get along well enough. 'Tain't right to make
+any additions to natur. 'Tain't right to invent music, nor to mock the
+birds, nor cut down the woods, nor dam up the streams. It's all agin natur,
+the whole on't. The birds can't be improved on, and the streams and woods
+belong to the fish and game. They are their houses as much as my house is
+<i>my</i> house. I always hated a saw-mill," continued Styles; "its very sound
+makes me mad. I never know'd a deer to stay within hearing of one. They
+roar away just as though they were going to tear<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span> down the whole forest,
+and pile it up into boards. I always try to keep out of their way." But I
+cannot give all the conversation of this eccentric genius of the forest,
+with me. He was one of a class of men who are hurried along by immigration,
+like clouds before the tempest. When the rays of improvement warmed Styles,
+he had pushed farther back into the shade. He was a connecting link between
+barbarism and civilization. One half of him was lit up with the light of
+the sturdy pioneers, who crowded in upon him from the east, and the other
+half stood dark and gloomy in savage solemnity. With all his antipathy to
+the society of the whites, he was their stanch friend, and in many ways was
+of great service. He became, as we shall see, one of my pleasantest
+companions, and I cannot help now declaring, that few men have taken such
+strong hold upon my affections as this same Venison Styles.</p>
+
+<p>The old man shouldered his rifle, and inviting me to "drop into his cabin,
+up the creek," bid me "good morning, stranger."</p>
+
+<p>Reader, such was the scene presented to my eye the day I first looked upon
+the piece of wild land upon which I finally settled and improved. I had
+just arrived from an eastern village, where I was born, and "brought up,"
+as the phrase is. A somewhat broken fortune and breaking health had driven
+me from it, with a moderate family, to seek a spot elsewhere; and I
+resolved to try the Great West, that paradise (if the word of people who
+never saw it is to be taken) where the surplus population of a portion of
+the world have found a home.</p>
+
+<p>The change was great. But great as it was, I resolved to endure it. So, at
+it I went. I procured<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span> "help," girdled the trees, put a breaking team of
+twelve yoke of cattle on the ground, tore it up, fenced the land, raised a
+log-house, and in the fall I had a crop of wheat growing, the withered oak
+trees standing guard over it. My family, consisting of a wife and three
+children, a boy of eight, and two girls of twelve and ten, were removed to
+their new quarters, and I had thus fairly begun the world again, and all
+things were as new about me as if I had just been born into it.</p>
+
+<p>During the summer, I had an opportunity of studying the general character
+of the inhabitants of Puddleford, and its surrounding country population.
+Like most western settlements, it was made up of all kinds of materials,
+all sorts of folks, holding every opinion. More than a dozen states had
+contributed to make up its people. Society was exceedingly miscellaneous.
+The keen Yankee, the obstinate Pennsylvanian, and the reckless Southerner
+were there. Each one of these persons had brought along with him his early
+habits and associations&mdash;his own views of business, law, and religion. When
+thrown together on public questions, this composition boiled up like a
+mixture of salts and soda. Factions, of course, were formed among those
+whose early education and habits were congenial; divisions were created,
+and a war of prejudice and opinion went on from month to month, and year to
+year. The New England Yankee stood about ten years ahead of the
+Pennsylvania German in all his ideas of progress, while the latter stood
+back, dogged and sullen, attached to the customs of his fathers. Another
+general feature consisted in this, that there was no permanency to society.
+The inhabitants were constantly changing, pouring out<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span> and in, like the
+waters of a river, so that a complete revolution took place every four or
+five years. Everybody who remained in Puddleford expected to remove
+somewhere else very soon. They were merely sojourners, not residents. There
+was no attachment to, or veneration for, the past of Puddleford, because
+Puddleford had no past. The ties of memory reached to older states. There
+stood the church that sheltered the infant years of Puddleford's
+population, and there swung the bell that tolled their fathers and fathers'
+fathers to the tomb. There was the long line of graves, running back a
+hundred years, where the sister of yesterday, and the ancestor whose
+virtues were only known through tradition, were buried. There tottered the
+old homestead which had passed through the family for generations, filled
+with heirlooms that had become sacred. The school-house was there, where
+the village boys shouted together. Looking back from a new country, where
+all is confusion, to an old one, where figures have the stability of a
+painting, objects which were once trivial start out upon the canvas in
+bolder relief. The venerable, gray-headed pastor, who appeared regularly in
+the village pulpit for half a century, to impart the word of life, rises in
+the memory, and stands fixed there, like a statue. The quaint cut of his
+coat, the neat tie of his neckcloth, the spectacles resting on the tip of
+his nose, his hums and haws, his eye of reproof, his gestures of vengeance,
+are now living things&mdash;are preaching still. We see again the changing
+crowd, that year after year went in and out of that holy place; the spot
+where the old deacon sat, his head resting on a pillar, his tranquil face
+turned upward, his mouth open, enjoying a doze as<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span> he listened to the
+sermon. We recollect the gay bridal, the solemn funeral, the buoyant face
+of the one, the still, cold one of the other. We even remember the lame old
+sexton, who rang the bell and went limping up to the burying-ground, with a
+spade upon his shoulder. Even <i>he</i>, of no consequence when seen every day,
+is transformed by distance, and mellowed by memory, into a real being. And
+then there are the hills, and streams, and waterfalls, that shed their
+music through our boyish souls, until they became a part of our very
+existence. No man ever lived who entirely forgot these things, suppressed
+though they might be by the cares and anxieties of maturer years. And no
+circumstance so likely to bring them all up, glowing afresh, as a removal
+to a new country. Of course, no one was attached to Puddleford, as a
+locality, any more than the wandering Arab is attached to the particular
+spot where he pitches his tent and feeds his camels.</p>
+
+<p>Another general feature seemed to be the <i>strange character</i> of a large
+part of the population. Puddleford was filled with bankrupts, who had fled
+from their eastern creditors, anxious for peace of mind and bread enough to
+eat. Like decayed vessels, that had been tempest-tossed and finally
+condemned, these hulks seemed to be lying up in ordinary in the wilderness.
+Puddleford was to that class a kind of hospital. This man, upon inquiry, I
+found had rolled in luxury, but a turn in flour one day blew him sky-high.
+Another failed on a land speculation. Another bought more goods than he
+paid for. Another had been mixed up in a fraud. Another had been actually
+guilty of crime. The farming community were generally free from these
+charges; but Puddleford proper was not.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The "Colonel," as we called him, was a fair specimen of the bankrupt class.
+He was one of those unfortunate beings who was well enough started in the
+world; but after having been tossed and buffeted around by his own
+extravagance, he was finally driven into the forest. He was educated,
+polished, proud, and poor. He had sunk two or three fortunes, earned by
+somebody else, chasing pleasure around the world. His reputation having
+become soiled, and his pockets emptied, he concluded&mdash;to use his own
+language&mdash;to "hide himself from his enemies and die a kind of civil death."
+"Men," said the Colonel, "are naturally robbers, and it is safer to run
+than fight with them." I have heard him declare, in a jocose way, that he
+was the most "injured man living; for the whole human family," he said,
+"set to and picked his pockets, and now the public ought to support him."
+He said, "he couldn't see why the government didn't pass laws for the
+relief of cases like his; for a government is good for nothing that fails
+to support its people. Starvation in a republic would be a disgrace, and
+ought not to be permitted." The Colonel said "there was no use in fighting
+destiny&mdash;no one man <i>can</i> do it&mdash;and it was his destiny to be poor." He
+said he "had no place to remove to, and that he couldn't get there if he
+had;" that he was "like an old pump that needs a pail of water thrown in
+every time it is used to set it a-going."</p>
+
+<p>The Colonel resided in the village of Puddleford. His family was composed
+of a wife and two daughters, a couple of dashing girls, who looked like
+birds of fine plumage that had been driven by a storm beyond their
+latitude. His household furniture was made up of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span> fag-ends of this and
+that, which had somehow escaped a half a dozen sheriff's sales. His family
+wardrobe had been rescued in the same way, and contained all the fashions
+of the last twenty-five years. Here and there were scattered some plain
+articles of western manufacture, by way of contrast. Three shilling chairs
+stood on a faded Brussels carpet; an unpainted white-wood table supported a
+silver tea-set; thus, the faded splendor of the past contrasted with the
+rustic simplicity of the present. One thing I must not overlook: the
+Colonel had an old tattered carriage that had followed him through good and
+evil report, his ups and downs of life. I have often been amused to see it
+roll along with a melancholy air of superiority, putting on the face of a
+good man in affliction. It was drawn by two diminutive Indian ponies, who
+would turn and look wildly at the antiquated thing, as if apprehensive of
+danger.</p>
+
+<p>The Colonel kept an office, and pretended to act as a kind of land agent,
+and agent for insurance companies, and so on. He was never known to pay a
+debt; it being against his principles, as he used to say: besides, he said
+"his note would last a man ten times as long as the money; and they were
+not very uncurrent neither; for the justice of the peace at Puddleford had
+taken a very great many of them, and passed his judgment upon them for
+their full face."</p>
+
+<p>But I will not go into particulars with the Puddlefordians at present.
+During the summer my acquaintance with Venison Styles had ripened into a
+deeper affection for the old hunter. I accepted his invitation to visit
+him, and found him sheltered in the depths of the forest, and nestled in a
+valley, his hut, overshadowed by great<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span> trees, which were filled with birds
+pouring forth their songs. A little brook tinkled down the slope by his
+hut, singing all kinds of woodland tunes, as the breeze swelled and died
+along its banks. The squirrels were chatting their nonsense, and the
+rolling drum of the partridge was heard almost at his very door.</p>
+
+<p>Venison was a hunter, a fisher, and a trapper. The inside walls of his
+cabin were hung about with rifles, shot-guns, and fishing-rods, which had
+been accumulating for years. Deer-horns and skins lay scattered here and
+there, the trophies of the chase. Seines for lakes, and scoop-nets for
+smaller streams, were drying outside upon the trees.</p>
+
+<p>Venison kept around him a brood of lazy, lounging, good-for-nothing boys,
+of all ages, about half-clothed, who followed the business of their father.
+This young stock were growing up as he had grown, to occupy somewhere their
+father's position, and lead his life. They lived just as well as the
+hounds, for all stood on an equality in the family. These ragamuffins were
+perfect masters of natural history. There was not an instinct or
+peculiarity belonging to the denizens of the woods and streams which they
+did not perfectly understand. They seemed to have penetrated the secrecy of
+animal life, and fathomed it throughout. Birds, and beasts, and fish were
+completely within their power; and there was a kind of matter-of-course
+success with them in their capture that was absolutely provoking to a
+civilized hunter.</p>
+
+<p>It was of no importance where Venison Styles' boys made their home, or
+under what particular roof. Their home was mainly a depot for their
+fishing-tackles, guns, and game. They roamed away weeks at a time, fifty<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span>
+miles off, up this stream and that, over many a lake, and camped out
+nights, feeding upon their plunder; and Venison felt no more concern about
+them than he did about the deer, who indeed were not much wilder than they.
+They were as hard as flints, sharp on the chase, happy in their wild,
+wayward-life, and generally managed to trap and kill just enough to be
+self-supporting, and keep soul and body together.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CHAPTER II.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Lawsuit: Filkins against Beadle.&mdash;Squire Longbow and his
+Court.&mdash;Puddleford assembled.&mdash;Why Squire Longbow was a
+Great Man.&mdash;Ike Turtle and Sile Bates, Pettifoggers.&mdash;Mrs.
+Sonora Brown.&mdash;Uproar and Legal Opinions.&mdash;Seth
+Bolles.&mdash;Miss Eunice Grimes.&mdash;Argument to Jury, and Verdict.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>My intercourse with the inhabitants of Puddleford had been frequent during
+the summer, and my acquaintance with them had now become quite general. One
+morning, in the month of September, I was visited by a constable, who very
+authoritatively served upon me a venire, which commanded me to be and
+appear before Jonathan Longbow, at his office in the village of Puddleford,
+at one o'clock P. M., to serve as a juryman in a case, then and there to be
+tried, between Philista Filkins, plaintiff, and Charity Beadle, defendant,
+in an action of slander, etc. The constable remarked, after reading this
+threatening legal epistle to me, that I had better "be up to time, as
+Squire Longbow was a man who would not be trifled with," and then leisurely
+folding it up, and pushing it deep down in his vest-pocket, he mounted his
+horse, and hurried away in pursuit of the balance of the panel. Of course,
+I could not think of being guilty of a contempt of court, after having been
+so solemnly warned of the consequences, and I was therefore promptly on the
+spot, according to command.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Squire Longbow held his court at the public house, in a room adjoining the
+bar-room, because the statute prohibited his holding it in the bar-room
+itself. He was a law-abiding man, and would not violate a statute. I found,
+on my arrival, that the whole country, for miles around, had assembled to
+hear this interesting case. Men, women, and children had turned out, and
+made a perfect holiday of it. All were attired in their best. The men were
+dressed in every kind of fashion, or, rather, all the fashions of the last
+twenty years were scattered through the crowd. Small-crown, steeple-crown,
+low-crown, wide-brim, and narrow-brim hats; wide-tail, stub-tail, and
+swallow-tail, high-collar, and low-collar coats; bagging and shrunken
+breeches; every size and shape of shirt-collar were there, all brought in
+by the settlers when they immigrated. The women had attempted to ape the
+fashions of the past. Some of them had mounted a "bustle" about the size of
+a bag of bran, and were waddling along under their load with great
+satisfaction. Some of the less ambitious were reduced to a mere bunch of
+calico. One man, I noticed, carried upon his head an old-fashioned,
+bell-crowned hat, with a half-inch brim, a shirt-collar running up tight
+under his ears, tight enough to lift him from the ground (this ran out in
+front of his face to a peak, serving as a kind of cutwater to his nose), a
+faded blue coat of the genuine swallow-tail breed, a pair of narrow-fall
+breeches that had passed so often through the wash-tub, and were so
+shrunken, that they appeared to have been strained on over his limbs: this
+individual, reader, was walking about, with his hands in his pockets,
+perfectly satisfied, whistling Yankee Doodle, and other patriotic airs.
+Most<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span> of the women had something frizzled around their shoes, which were
+called pantalets, giving their extremities the appearance of the legs of so
+many bantam hens.</p>
+
+<p>The men were amusing themselves pitching coppers and quoits, running
+horses, and betting upon the result of the trial to come off, as every one
+was expected to form some opinion of the merits of the case.</p>
+
+<p>The landlord of the Eagle was of course very busy. He bustled about, here
+and there, making the necessary preparations. Several pigs and chickens had
+gone the way of all flesh, and were baking and stewing for the table. About
+once a quarter "Old Stub" "moistened his clay," as he called it, with a
+little "rye," so as to "keep his blood a-stirring." <i>Mrs.</i> "Stub
+Bulliphant" was busy too. <i>She</i> was a perfect whirlwind; her temper was
+made of tartaric acid. Her voice might be heard above the confusion around
+giving directions to one, and a "piece of her mind" to another. She <i>was</i>
+the landlady of the Eagle beyond all doubt, and no one else. Better die
+than doubt that.</p>
+
+<p>"Bulliphant!" screamed she, at the top of her lungs, "Bulliphant, you great
+lout, you! what in the name of massy sakes are you about? No fire! no wood!
+no water in! How, in all created natur, do you s'pose a woman can get
+dinner? Furi<i>a</i>tion alive, why don't you speak? Sally Ann! I say, Sally
+<i>Ann</i>! come right here this minute! Go down cellar, and get a jug of
+butter, some milk, and then&mdash;I say, Sally Ann!&mdash;do you hear me, Sally
+Ann?&mdash;go out to the barn and&mdash;run! run! you careless hussy, to the stove!
+the pot's boiling over!"</p>
+
+<p>And so the old woman's tongue ran on hour after hour.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>At a little past one, the court was convened. A board placed upon two
+barrels across the corner of the room, constituted the desk of Squire
+Longbow, behind which his honor's solitary dignity was caged. Pettifoggers
+and spectators sat outside. This was very proper, as Squire Longbow was a
+great man, and some mark of distinction was due. Permit me to describe him.
+He was a little, pot-bellied person, with a round face, bald head, swelled
+nose, and had only one eye, the remains of the other being concealed with a
+green shade. He carried a dignity about him that was really oppressive to
+by-standers. He was the "end of the law" in Puddleford; and no man could
+sustain a reputation who presumed to appeal from his decisions. He settled
+accounts, difficulties of all sorts, and even established land-titles; but
+of all things, he prided himself upon his knowledge of constitutional
+questions. The Squire always maintained that hard drinking was "agin" the
+Constitution of the United States, "and so," he said, "Judge Story once
+informed him by letter when he applied to him for aid in solving this
+question." "There is no such thing as slander," the Squire used to say,
+"and so he had always decided, as every person who lied about another, knew
+he ought not to be believed, because he <i>was</i> lying, and therefore the
+'<i>quar-animer</i>,' as the books say, is wanting." (This looked rather bad for
+"Filkins's" case.) Sometimes Squire Longbow rendered judgments, sometimes
+decrees, and sometimes he divided the cause between both parties. The
+Squire said he "never could submit to the letter of the law; it was agin'
+personal liberty; and so Judge Story decided." "Pre-<i>ce</i>-dents", as they
+were called, he wouldn't mind,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span> not even his own; because then there
+wouldn't be any room left for a man to change his mind. "If," said the
+Squire, "for instance, I fine Pet. Sykes to-day for knocking down Job
+Bluff, that is no reason why I should fine Job Bluff to-morrow for knocking
+down Pet. Sykes, because they are entirely different persons. Human natur'
+ain't the same." "Contempt of court," the Squire often declared, "was the
+worst of all offences. He didn't care so much about what might be said
+agin' Jonathan Longbow, but <i>Squire</i> Longbow, Justice of the Peace, must
+and should be protected;" and it was upon this principle that he fined
+Phil. Beardsley ten dollars for contradicting him in the street.</p>
+
+<p>"Generally," the Squire says, "he renders judgment for the plaintiff,"
+because he never issues a process without hearing his story, and
+determining the merits. "And don't the plaintiff know more about his rights
+than all the witnesses in the world?" "And even where he has a jury," the
+Squire says, "that it is his duty to apply the law to the facts, and the
+facts to the law, so that they may avoid any illegal verdict."</p>
+
+<p>The court, as I said, was convened. The Squire took his seat, opened his
+docket, and lit his pipe. He then called the parties:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Philista Filkins!" "Charity Beadle!"</p>
+
+<p>"Here," cried a backwoods pettifogger, "I'm for Philista Filkins; am always
+on hand at the tap of the drum, like a thousand of brick."</p>
+
+<p>This man was a character; a pure specimen of a live western pettifogger. He
+was called Ike Turtle. He was of the snapping-turtle breed. He wore a white
+wool-hat; a bandana cotton-handkerchief around his neck; a horse-blanket<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span>
+vest, with large horn-buttons; and corduroy pantaloons; and he carried a
+bull's-eye watch, from which swung four or five chains across his breast.</p>
+
+<p>"Who answers for Charity Beadle?" continued the Squire.</p>
+
+<p>"I answer for myself," squeaked out Charity; "I hain't got any counsel,
+'cause he's on the jury."</p>
+
+<p>"On the jury, ha! Your counsel's on the jury! Sile Bates, I suppose.
+Counsel is guaranteed by the Constitution&mdash;it's a personal right&mdash;let Sile
+act as your counsel, then."</p>
+
+<p>And so Sile stepped out in the capacity of counsel.</p>
+
+<p>"Charity Beadle!" exclaimed the Squire, drawing out his pipe and laying it
+on his desk, "stand up and raise your right hand!"</p>
+
+<p>Charity arose.</p>
+
+<p>"You are charged with slandering Philista Filkins, with saying, 'She warn't
+no better than she ought to be;' and if you were believed when you said so,
+it is my duty, as a peace-officer, to say to you that you have been guilty
+of a high offence, and may the Lord have mercy on your soul. What do you
+say?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not guilty, Squire Longbow, by an eternal sight, and told the truth, if we
+are," replied Bates. "Besides, we plead a set-off."</p>
+
+<p>"I say 'tis false! you are!" cried Philista, at the top of her lungs.</p>
+
+<p>"Silence!" roared Longbow; "the dignity of this court shall be preserved."</p>
+
+<p>"Easy, Squire, a little easy," grumbled a voice in the crowd, proceeding
+from one of Philista's friends; "never speak to a woman in a passion."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"I fine that man one dollar for contempt of court, who<i>ever</i> he is!"
+exclaimed the Squire, as he stood upon tiptoe, trying to catch the offender
+with his eye.</p>
+
+<p>"I guess 'twarn't nothing but the wind," said Bates.</p>
+
+<p>The Squire took his seat, put his pipe in his mouth, and blew out a long
+whiff of smoke.</p>
+
+<p>"Order being restored, let the case now proceed," he exclaimed.</p>
+
+<p>Ike opened his case to the jury. He said Philista Filkins was a maiden lady
+of about forty; some called her an <i>old</i> maid, but that warn't so, not by
+several years; her teeth were as sound as a nut, and her hair as black as a
+crow. She was a nurse, and had probably given more lobelia, pennyroyal,
+catnip, and other roots and herbs, to the people of Puddleford, than all
+the rest of the women in it. Of course she was a kind of <i>peramrulary</i>
+being. (The Squire here informed the jury that <i>peramrulary</i> was a legal
+word, which he would fully explain in his charge.) That is, she was obliged
+to be out a great deal, night and day, and in consequence thereof, Charity
+Beadle had slandered her, and completely ruined her reputation, and broken
+up her business to the damage of ten dollars.</p>
+
+<p>Bates told the court that he had "no jurisdiction in an action of slander."</p>
+
+<p>Longbow advised Bates not to repeat the remark, as "that was a kind of
+contempt."</p>
+
+<p>Some time had elapsed in settling preliminaries, and at last the cause was
+ready.</p>
+
+<p>"We call Sonora Brown!" roared out Ike, at the top of his lungs.</p>
+
+<p>"No, you don't," replied the Squire. "This court is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span> adjourned for fifteen
+minutes; all who need refreshment will find it at the bar in the next room;
+but don't bring it in here; it might be agin' the statute."</p>
+
+<p>And so the court adjourned for fifteen minutes.</p>
+
+<p>There was a rush to the bar-room, and old Stub Bulliphant rolled around
+among his whiskey bottles like a ship in a storm. Almost every person drank
+some, judging from the remarks, "to wet their whistle;" others, "to keep
+their stomach easy;" some "to Filkins;" others, "to Beadle," etc., etc.</p>
+
+<p>Court was at last convened again.</p>
+
+<p>"Sonora Brown!" roared Ike again.</p>
+
+<p>"Object!" exclaimed Sile; "no witness; hain't lived six months in the
+state."</p>
+
+<p>Squire Longbow slowly drew his pipe from his mouth, and fixed his eyes on
+the floor in deep thought for several minutes.</p>
+
+<p>"Hain't lived six months in the state," repeated he, at last; "ain't no
+resident, of course, under our Constitution."</p>
+
+<p>"And how, in all created airth, would you punish such a person for perjury?
+I should just like to know," continued Sile, taking courage from the
+Squire's perplexed state of mind; "our laws don't bind residents of other
+states."</p>
+
+<p>"But it isn't certain Mrs. Brown will lie, because she is a non-resident,"
+added the Squire, cheering up a little.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, very well, then," said Sile, ramming both hands into his
+breeches-pocket very philosophically; "go ahead, if you wish, subject to my
+objection. I'll just appeal, and blow this court into fiddle-strings! This<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span>
+cause won't breathe three times in the circuit! We won't be rode over; we
+know our rights, I just kinder rather think."</p>
+
+<p>"Go it, Sile!" cried a voice from the crowd; "stand up for your rights, if
+you bust!"</p>
+
+<p>"Silence!" exclaimed Squire Longbow.</p>
+
+<p>Ike had sat very quietly, inasmuch as the Squire had been leaning in his
+favor; but Sile's last remark somewhat intimidated his honor.</p>
+
+<p>"May it please your honor," said Ike, rising, "we claim there is no proof
+of Mrs. Brown's residency; your honor hain't got nothing but Sile Bates's
+say so, and what's that good for in a court of justice? I wouldn't believe
+him as far as you could swing a cat by the tail."</p>
+
+<p>"I'm with you on that," cried another voice.</p>
+
+<p>"Silence! put that man out!" roared Longbow again.</p>
+
+<p>But just as Ike was sitting down, an inkstand was hurled at him by Sile,
+which struck him on his shoulder, and scattered its contents over the
+crowd. Several missiles flew back and forth; the Squire leaped over his
+table, crying out at the top of his lungs,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"In the name of the people of the State of &mdash;&mdash;, I, Jonathan Longbow,
+Justice of the Peace, duly elected and qualified, do command you."</p>
+
+<p>When, at last, order was restored, the counsel took their seats, and the
+Squire retired into his box again.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 520px;">
+<img src="images/i-002.jpg" width="520" height="650" alt="THE JUSTICE&#39;S COURT OF PUDDLEFORD.
+
+The testimony of Sonora Brown, the witness who &quot;didn&#39;t know anything worth
+tellin&#39; on:&quot; and who &quot;warn&#39;t used to lawsuits, and didn&#39;t know how to
+swear.&quot;&mdash;Page 42." title="" />
+<span class="caption">THE JUSTICE&#39;S COURT OF PUDDLEFORD.<br />
+
+The testimony of Sonora Brown, the witness who &quot;didn&#39;t know anything worth
+tellin&#39; on:&quot; and who &quot;warn&#39;t used to lawsuits, and didn&#39;t know how to
+swear.&quot;&mdash;Page 42.</span>
+</div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Sonora Brown was then called for the third time. She was an old lady, with
+a pinched-up black bonnet, a very wide ruffle to her cap, through which the
+gray hairs strayed. She sighed frequently and heavily. She said she didn't
+know as she knew "anything worth telling on." She didn't know "anything
+about lawsuits, and didn't know how to swear." After running on with a long
+preliminary about herself, growing warmer and warmer, the old lady came to
+the case under much excitement. She said "she never did see such works in
+all her born days. Just because Charity Beadle said 'Philista Filkins
+warn't no better than she ought to be,' there was <i>such</i> a hullabalu and
+kick-up, enough to set all natur crazy!"</p>
+
+<p>"Why la! sus me!" continued she, turning round to the Squire, "do <i>you</i>
+think this such a dre'ful thing, that all the whole town has got to be set
+together by the ears about it? Mude-<i>ra</i>-tion! what a humdrum and flurry!"</p>
+
+<p>And then the old lady stopped and took a pinch of snuff, and pushed it up
+very hard and quick into her nose.</p>
+
+<p>Ike requested Mrs. Brown not to talk so fast, and only answer such
+questions as he put to her.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, now, that's nice," she continued. "Warn't I sworn, or was't you? and
+to tell the truth, too, and the <i>whole</i> truth. I warn't sworn to answer
+your questions. Why, maybe, you don't know, Mr. Pettifogger, that there are
+folks in state's prison <i>now</i> for lying in a court of justice?"</p>
+
+<p>Squire Longbow interfered, and stated that "he must say that things were
+going on very 'promis'cusly,' quite agin the peace and dignity of the
+state."</p>
+
+<p>"Just so I think myself," added Mrs. Brown. "This place is like a
+town-meeting, for all the world."</p>
+
+<p>"Mrs. So-<i>no</i>-ra Brown!" exclaimed Ike, rising on his feet, a little
+enraged, "do you know anything about what Charity Beadle said about
+Philista Filkins? Answer <i>this</i> question."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Whew! fiddle-de-dee! highty-tighty! so you have really broke loose, Mr.
+Pettifogger," for now the old lady's temper <i>was</i> up. "Why, didn't you know
+I was old enough to be your grandmother? Why, my boy," continued she,
+hurrying on her spectacles, and taking a long look at Ike, "I know'd your
+mother when she made cakes and pies down in the <i>Jar</i>seys; and <i>you</i> when
+you warn't more than <i>so</i> high;" and she measured about two feet high from
+the floor. "You want me to <i>answer</i>, do you? I told you all I know'd about
+it; and if you want anything more, I guess you'll have to get it, that's
+all;" and, jumping up, she left the witness-stand, and disappeared in the
+crowd.</p>
+
+<p>"I demand an attachment for Sonora Brown!" roared out Ike, "an absconding
+witness!"</p>
+
+<p>"Can't do it," replied the Squire; "it's agin the Constitution to deprive
+anybody of their liberty an unreasonable length of time. This witness has
+been confined here by process of law morn-a-nour. Can't do it! Be guilty of
+trespass! Must stick to the Constitution. Call your next witness."</p>
+
+<p>Ike swore. The Squire fined him one dollar. He swore again. The Squire
+fined him another. The faster the Squire fined, the faster the oaths rolled
+out of Ike's mouth, until the Squire had entered ten dollars against him.
+Ike swore again, and the Squire was about to record the <i>eleventh</i> dollar,
+but Ike checked him.</p>
+
+<p>"Hold on! hold on! you <i>old reprobate</i>! now I've got you! now you are
+mine!" exclaimed he. "You are up to the limit of the law! You cannot
+inflict only ten dollars in fines in any one case! Now stand and take it!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>And such a volley of oaths, cant phrases, humor, wrath, sarcasm, and fun,
+sometimes addressed to the Squire, sometimes to the audience, and sometimes
+to his client, never rolled out of any other man's mouth since the flood.
+He commenced with the history of the Squire, when, as he said, "he was <i>a</i>
+rafting lumber down on the Susque<i>hanna</i>;" and he followed him up from that
+time. "He <i>could</i> tell the reason why he came west, but wouldn't." He
+commented on his personal appearance, and his capacity for the office of
+justice. He told him "he hadn't only one eye, any way, and he couldn't be
+expected to see a great way into a mill-stone; and he didn't believe he had
+as many brains as an 'ister. For his part, <i>he</i> knew the law; he had
+ransacked every part of the statute, as a glutton would Noah's Ark for the
+remnant of an eel; he had digested it from Dan to Beersheba; swallowed
+everything but the title-page and cover, and would have swallowed that if
+he warn't mortal; he was a living, moving law himself; when he said 'law
+<i>was</i> law, <i>'twas</i> law;' better 'peal anything up from predestination than
+from his opinion! he would follow this case to the backside of sundown for
+his rights!"</p>
+
+<p>During all this time there was a complete uproar. Philista's friends
+cheered and hurrahed; the dogs in the room set up their barking; Beadle's
+friends groaned, and squealed, and bellowed, and whimpered, and imitated
+all the domestic animals of the day, while the Squire was trying at the top
+of his lungs to compel the constable to commit Ike for contempt.</p>
+
+<p>Ike closed and sat down. The Squire called for the constable, but he was
+not to be found. One man told him that "he was in the next room pitching
+coppers;"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span> another, that the last time he saw him "he was running very
+fast;" another, that "he rather guessed he'd be back some time another, if
+he ever was, because he was a sworn officer;" another asked the Squire
+"what he'd give to have him <i>catched</i>?" but no constable appeared; he had
+put himself out the way to escape the storm.</p>
+
+<p>A long silence followed this outburst; not a word was said, and scarcely a
+noise heard. Every one was eagerly looking at the Squire for his next
+movement. Ike kept his eyes on the floor, apparently in a deep study. At
+last he arose.</p>
+
+<p>"Squire," said he, "we've been under something of a press of steam for the
+last half 'our; I move we adjourn fifteen minutes for a drink."</p>
+
+<p>"Done," answered the Squire; and so the court adjourned for a second time.</p>
+
+<p>It was now nearly dark, when the court convened again. The trial of the
+cause, Filkins <i>vs.</i> Beadle, was resumed.</p>
+
+<p>Seth Bolles was called. Seth was a broad-backed, double-fisted fellow, with
+a blazing red face, and he chewed tobacco continually. He was about two
+thirds "over the bay," and didn't care for all the Filkinses or Beadles in
+the world.</p>
+
+<p>"Know Filkins and Beadle?" inquired Ike.</p>
+
+<p>"Know 'em? thunder, yes."</p>
+
+<p>"How long?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ever sin' the year one."</p>
+
+<p>"Ever heard Beadle say anything about Filkins?"</p>
+
+<p>"Heard her say she thought she run'd too much arter Elik Timberlake."</p>
+
+<p>"Anything, Seth, about Filkins' character?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Now what do you 'spose I know about Filkins' character? Much as I can do
+to look arter my own wimmin."</p>
+
+<p>"But have you heard <i>Beadle say</i> anything about Filkins' character?"</p>
+
+<p>"Heard her say once she was a good enough-er-sort-a body when she was
+a-mind-er-be."</p>
+
+<p>"Anything else?"</p>
+
+<p>"Shan't answer; hain't had my regular fees paid as witness."</p>
+
+<p>Squire Longbow informed Seth that he must answer.</p>
+
+<p>"Shan't do it, not so long as my name is Bolles."</p>
+
+<p>The Squire said he would commit him.</p>
+
+<p>"W-h-e-w!" drawled out Bolles, stooping down, and putting his arms a-kimbo,
+as he gave the Squire a long look straight in the eye.</p>
+
+<p>"Order! order!" exclaimed the Squire.</p>
+
+<p>"Whew! whew! whew <i>uo-uo-uo</i>! who's afraid of a justice of the peace?"
+screamed Seth, jumping up about a foot, and squirting out a gill of
+tobacco-juice, as he struck the floor.</p>
+
+<p>Seth's fees were paid him, at last, and the question was again put, if he
+heard "Beadle say anything else?" and he said "<i>he never did</i>;" and thus
+ended Seth's testimony.</p>
+
+<p>Miss Eunice Grimes was next called. She came sailing forward, and threw
+herself into the chair with a kind of jerk. She took a few sidelong glances
+at Charity Beadle, which told, plainly enough, that she meant to make a
+finish of her in about five minutes. She was a vinegar-faced old maid, and
+her head kept bobbing, and her body kept hitching, and now she<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span> pulled her
+bonnet this way, and now that. She finally went out of the fretting into
+the languishing mood, and declared she "<i>should</i> die if somebody didn't get
+her a glass of water."</p>
+
+<p>When she became composed, Ike inquired if "she knew Charity Beadle?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes! I know her to be an orful critter!"</p>
+
+<p>"What has she done?"</p>
+
+<p>"What hain't she? She's lied about me, and about Elder Dobbin's folks, and
+said how that when the singing-master boarded at our house, she seed lights
+in the sitting-room till past three&mdash;the orful critter!"</p>
+
+<p>"But what have you heard her say about Philista Filkins?"</p>
+
+<p>"O! everything that's bad. She don't never say anything that's good 'bout
+nobody. She's allers talking. There ain't nobody in the settlement she
+hain't slandered. She even abused old Deacon Snipes' horse&mdash;the orful
+critter!"</p>
+
+<p>"But what did she say about <i>Philista Filkins</i>?" repeated Ike again.</p>
+
+<p>"What do you want me to say she said? I hain't got any doubt she's called
+her everything she could think on. Didn't she, Philist<i>y</i>?" she continued,
+turning her head towards the plaintiff.</p>
+
+<p>Philista nodded.</p>
+
+<p>"Did she say she warn't no better than she ought to be?"</p>
+
+<p>"Did she? well, she did, and that very few people were."</p>
+
+<p>"Stop! stop!" exclaimed Ike, "you talk too fast! I guess she didn't say
+<i>all</i> that."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"She did, for Philista told me so; and she wouldn't lie for the whole race
+of Beadles."</p>
+
+<p>Squire Longbow thought Eunice had better retire, as she didn't seem to know
+much about the case.</p>
+
+<p>She said she knew as much about it as anybody; she want "going to be
+abused, trod upon; and no man was a man that would insult a poor woman;"
+and bursting into tears of rage, she twitched out of her chair, and went
+sobbing away.</p>
+
+<p>Philista closed, and Sile stated, in his opening to the court on the part
+of the defence, that this was a "<i>little</i> the smallest case he ever <i>had</i>
+seen." His client stood out high and dry; she stood up like Andes looking
+down on a potato-hill; he didn't propose to offer scarcely any proof; and
+that little was by way of set-off&mdash;tongue against tongue&mdash;according to the
+statute in such case made and provided; he hoped the court would examine
+the law for himself. (Here Sile unrolled a long account against Philista,
+measuring some three feet, and held it up to the Squire and jury.) This, he
+said, was a reg'lar statement of the slanderous words used by Philista
+Filkins agin Charity Beadle for the last three years, with the damage
+annexed; everything had been itemized, and kept in tip-top style; all in
+black and white, just as it happened. Sile was about reading this
+formidable instrument, when Ike objected.</p>
+
+<p>"That can't be <i>did</i> in this 'ere court!" exclaimed Ike; "the light of
+civilization has shed itself a little <i>too</i> thick for <i>that</i>. This court
+might just as well try to swallow a chestnut-burr, or a cat, tail foremost,
+as to get such a proposition a-down its throat."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Squire Longbow said he'd "never heer'd of such law&mdash;yet the question was
+new to him."</p>
+
+<p>"Laid down in all the law-books of the nineteenth century!" exclaimed Sile,
+"and never heard on't!"</p>
+
+<p>"Never did."</p>
+
+<p>"Why," continued Sile, "the statute allows set-off where it is of the same
+natur of the action. This, you see, is slander agin slander."</p>
+
+<p>"True," replied the Squire.</p>
+
+<p>"True, did you say!" exclaimed Ike. "<i>You</i> say the statute <i>does</i> allow
+slander to be set off; <i>our</i> statute&mdash;that statute that I learned by heart
+before I knew my A B C's&mdash;you old bass-wood headed son&mdash;" But the Squire
+stopped Ike just at this time. "We will decide the question first," he
+said. "The court have made no decision yet."</p>
+
+<p>Squire Longbow was in trouble. He smoked furiously. He examined the
+statutes, looked over his docket, but he did not seem to get any light.
+Finally, a lucky thought struck him. He saw old Mr. Brown in the crowd, who
+had the reputation of having once been a justice in the State of New York.
+The Squire arose and beckoned to him, and both retired to an adjoining
+room. After about a half an hour, the Squire returned and took his seat,
+and delivered his opinion. Here it is:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"After an examination of all the p'ints both for and agin the 'lowing of
+the set-off, in which the court didn't leave no stone unturned to get at
+justice, having ransacked some half a dozen books from eend to eend, and
+noted down everything that anywise bore on the subject; recollecting, as
+the court well doz, what the great Story, who's now dead and gone, done and
+writ 'bout this very<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span> thing (for we must be 'lowed to inform this 'sembly
+that we read Story in our juvenil' years); having done this, and refreshing
+<i>our</i> minds with the testimony, and keeping in our eye the rights of
+parties&mdash;right-er liberty, and right-er speech, back'ards and for'ards&mdash;for
+I've as good a right to talk agin you, as you have to talk agin
+me&mdash;knowing, as the court doz, how much blood has been shed 'cause folks
+wern't 'lowed to talk as much as they pleased, making all natur groan, the
+court is of the opinion that the set-off must be let in; and such is also
+Squire Brown's opinion, and nobody will contradict that, <i>I know</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"Je-<i>hos</i>-a-phat!" groaned out Ike, drawing one of his very longest
+breaths. "The <i>great</i> Je-<i>mi</i>-ma Wilkinson! and so that <i>is</i> law, arter
+all! There's my hat, Squire," Ike continued, as he arose and reached it out
+to him; "and you shall have my <i>gallusses</i> as soon as I can get at 'em."</p>
+
+<p>The Squire said "the dignity of the court must be preserved."</p>
+
+<p>"Of course it must! of course it must!" replied Ike, who was growing very
+philosophical over the opinion of the Squire; "there ain't no friction on
+my gudgeons <i>now</i>; I always gins in to reg'lar opinions, delivered upon
+consideration; I was just thinking, though, Squire, that as their bill is
+so much the longest, and as the parties are both here, Charity had better
+let her tongue loose upon my client, and take out the balance on the spot."</p>
+
+<p>The Squire said "the cause must go on." Sile read his set-off, made up of
+slanderous words alleged to have been used; damages fifty dollars; and
+calling Charity herself, upon the principle, as he said, "that it was a
+book-account,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span> and her books were evidence; and her books having been lost,
+the paper which he held, and which was a true copy&mdash;<i>for he made it out
+himself</i>&mdash;was the next best evidence; all of which Charity would swear to
+straight along."</p>
+
+<p>The court admitted Charity, and she swore the set-off through, and some
+fifty dollars more; and she was going on horse-race speed, when Sile
+stopped her "before," as he told her, "she swore the cause beyond the
+jurisdiction of a magistrate."</p>
+
+<p>Here the evidence closed. Midnight had set in, and the cause was yet to be
+summed up.</p>
+
+<p>The court informed Ike and Sile that they were limited to half an hour
+each.</p>
+
+<p>Ike opened the argument, and <i>such</i> an opening, and <i>such</i> an argument! It
+will not be expected that I can repeat it. There never lived a man who
+could. It covered all things mortal and immortal. Genius, and sense, and
+nonsense; wit, humor, pathos, venom, and vulgarity, were all piled up
+together, and belched forth upon the jury. He talked about the case, the
+court, the jury, his client, the history of the world, and Puddleford in
+particular. "The slander was admitted," he declared, "because the defendant
+had tried to set off something <i>agin</i> it; and if his client didn't get a
+judgment, he'd make a rattling among the dry bones of the law, that would
+rouse the dead of '76!" He was "fifty feet front, and rear to the river;"
+"had seen great changes en the t'restial globe;" "know'd all the sciences
+from Neb-u-<i>cud</i>-nezzar down;" "know'd law&mdash;'twas the milk of his
+existence." As to the court's opinion about the set-off, "his head was
+chock full of cobwebs or bumble-bees,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span> he didn't know which;" "his judgment
+warn't hardly safe on a common note er-hand;" "he'd no doubt but that three
+jist such cases would run him stark mad;" "Natur was sorry she'd ever had
+anything to do with him; and he'd himself been sorry ever since; and as for
+ed'cation, he warn't up to the school-marm, for she <i>could</i> read;" "the
+jury had better give him a verdict if they didn't want the nightmare." And
+thus he was running on, when his half hour expired, but he could not be
+stopped&mdash;as well stop a tornado. So Sile arose, and commenced his argument
+for the defendant; and at it both labored, Ike for plaintiff, Sile for
+defendant, until the court swore a constable, and ordered the jury to
+retire with him, the argument still going on; and thus the jury left the
+room, Ike and Sile following them up, laying down the law and the fact; and
+the last thing I observed just before the door closed, was Ike's arm run
+through it at us, going through a variety of gestures, his expiring effort
+in behalf of his client.</p>
+
+<p>After a long deliberation among the jurors, during which almost everything
+was discussed but the evidence, it was announced by our foreman, on "coming
+in," that "we could not agree, four on 'em being for fifty dollars for the
+defendant 'cording to law, and one on 'em for no cause of action (myself),
+and he stood out, 'cause he was a-feared, or wanted to be pop'lar with
+somebody."</p>
+
+<p>And thus ended the trial between Filkins and Beadle.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CHAPTER III.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Wanderings in the Wilderness.&mdash;A Bee-Hunt.&mdash;Sunrise.&mdash;The
+Fox-Squirrel.&mdash;The Blue-Jay.&mdash;The Gopher.&mdash;The
+Partridges.&mdash;Wild Geese, Ducks, and Cranes.&mdash;Blackbirds and
+Meadow-Larks.&mdash;Venison's Account of the Bees' Domestic
+Economy.&mdash;How Venison found what he was in Search of.&mdash;Honey
+Secured.&mdash;After Reflections.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>Venison Styles and myself, as I have stated, had now become intimate.
+Together we scoured the woods and streams, in pursuit of fish and game.
+There was a kind of rustic poetry about the old man that fascinated my
+soul. His thoughts and feelings had been drawn from nature, and there was a
+strange freshness and life about everything he said and did. He was as firm
+and fiery as a flint; and the sparks struck out of him were as beautiful.
+Winds and storms, morn's early dawn, the hush of evening, the seasons and
+all their changes, had become a part of him&mdash;they had moulded and kept him.
+They played upon him like a breeze upon a harp. How could I help loving
+him?</p>
+
+<p>Before daybreak, one morning in October, Venison, myself, his honey-box,
+and axes, set out "a bee-hunting," as he called it. It was in the beautiful
+and inspiring season of Indian summer, a season that lingers long and
+lovely over the forests of the west. There had been a hard, black frost
+during the night, and the great red sun<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span> rose upon it, shrouded in smoke.
+We were soon deep in the heart of the wilderness, tramping over the fallen
+leaves, and pushing forward to where the "bees were thick a-workin',"
+according to Venison.</p>
+
+<p>As the sun rose higher and higher, the leaves began, all around, to thaw,
+and detach themselves from the trees, and silently settle to the ground.
+There stood the yellow walnut, the blood-red maple, side by side with the
+green pine and the spruce. Ten thousand rainbows were interlaced through
+the tops of the trees, and now and then a sharp peak shot up its pile of
+mosaic into the sky.</p>
+
+<p>Not a sound was heard around us till morning's dawn. The tranquillity was
+oppressive. The mighty wilderness was asleep. Everything felt as fixed and
+awful as eternity. The vast extent of the wooded waste, reaching thousands
+of miles beyond, on, and on, and <i>on</i>, filled with mountains, lakes, and
+streams, lying in solitary grandeur, as unchanged as on the day the
+Pyramids were finished, overwhelmed the imagination. And then the future
+arose upon the mind, when all this will be busy with life&mdash;when the present
+will be history, referred to, but not remembered&mdash;when the present
+population of the globe will have been swept from the face of it, and
+another generation in our place, playing with the toys that so long amused,
+and which we, at last, left behind us.</p>
+
+<p>But as day dawned, and morning began to throw in her arrows of gold about
+our feet, the wilderness began to wake up. A fox-squirrel shot out from his
+bed in a hollow tree, where he had been lodging during the night; and
+scampering up a tall maple, he sat himself down, threw his tail over his
+back, and broke forth with his <i>chick-chick-chickaree, chickaree,
+chickaree</i>!&mdash;making the woods ring with his song.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Look at him," exclaimed Venison; "he's as sassy as ever. If I had my
+rifle, I'd knock the spots off that check coat of his'n; I'd larn him to
+chickaree old Venison."</p>
+
+<p>This squirrel, very common in some of the north-western states, is one of
+the largest and most beautiful of its species. He is dressed in a suit of
+light-brown check, and may be seen, in warm, sunny days, cantering over the
+ground, or running through the tree-tops. He is a very careful and a very
+busy body. I have often watched him, as he sat bolt upright in a hickory,
+eating nuts, and throwing the shucks on the ground, with all the gravity of
+a judge. During the fall, he hoards up large quantities of stores. He hulls
+his beech-nuts, selects the fairest walnuts, picks up, here and there, a
+few chestnuts, and packs everything away in his castle with the utmost
+care; and, as Venison says, "the choppers in the winter have stolen bushels
+on 'em!"</p>
+
+<p>While our squirrel was singing his morning psalm, a crow, just out of his
+bed, went sailing along above us, with his "caw! caw!" and settled on a
+tree nearby. "Caw! caw!" he screamed again, looking down curiously at the
+squirrel, as much as to say, "Who cares for <i>your</i> music!" Then out hurried
+another squirrel, and another, breaking forth with joy, until the crow,
+fairly drowned out, spread his wings and soared away. Venison says, "Them
+crows can smell gunpowder, and that fellow know'd we hadn't any, when he
+lit so near us."</p>
+
+<p>A blue-jay then commenced a loud call from a distant part of the forest. He
+is one of the birds that lingers behind, and braves the blasts of winter.
+He was flitting about in a tree-top, and had just commenced his day's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span>
+work. How gaudily Nature has dressed this bird! How he shines, during
+spring and summer! All the shades, and touches, and tinges of blue flow
+over his gaudy mantle; and how orderly and lavishly they are strown over
+him. But the blue-jay is a dissolute kind of a fellow, after all&mdash;"neither
+more nor less than a thief," Venison says. His shadowy dress fades with the
+leaf, and after strutting about during the warmer months, making a great
+display of his finery, he "runs down," at last, into a confirmed loafer.
+Groups of them may be seen in the winter, drudging around among the
+withered bushes, and scolding like so many shrews.</p>
+
+<p>Then out popped the little <i>gopher</i>, that finished piece of stripe and
+check, that miner, who digs deep in the ground. He, too, had left his
+mansion, and come to greet the morn. A troop of quail marched along, headed
+by their chief. Who does not love the quail? She is associated with early
+childhood and household memories. Her voice rings through the past. We
+heard it sounding over our better years. What a rich brown suit she wears,
+cut round with Quaker simplicity! what taste and neatness about it! It was
+she that long ago went forth with the reapers, and piped for them her
+sunrise psalm, "<i>More wet! More wet!</i>" and she will stay here with us
+during the winter, and traverse, with her caravan, all day, the desert
+wastes of snow. Venison says he "don't never kill a quail&mdash;it ain't
+right&mdash;but he don't know why."</p>
+
+<p>The partridges, all around, commenced rolling their drums, and every little
+while, one would whirr past our heads, and die away in the distance. The
+whole wood-pecker family began <i>their</i> labor. He who wears a red<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span> velvet
+cap, silk shawl, and white under-clothes, was boring away in a rotten tree,
+to find his breakfast; and he kept hitching around, and hammering, without
+regarding or caring for our presence. The rabbit, with ears erect, sat
+drawn up in a heap, quivering with fear, as he gazed upon us.</p>
+
+<p>At last we reached the bank of the river, and Venison said, "We had better
+sit down, and take our reck'ning." Here was one of the most beautiful
+pictures of still life ever painted by Nature. The river wound away like a
+silver serpent, until it was lost in a bank of Indian summer haze, and it
+gurgled and dashed through the aisles of the forest, like a dream through
+the silent realms of sleep. It lay, half sunshine, half shadow, and the
+shadow was slowly creeping up a tall cliff on the opposite shore, as the
+day advanced, counting, as it were, the moments as they passed. Afar down
+it, I was amused as I watched a flock of wild geese. They were about a
+hundred in number, sleeping upon the water, in a glassy cove, their heads
+neatly tucked under their wings. An old gander, who had been appointed
+sentinel, to keep watch and guard, was doing the best he could to perform
+his duty. He stood upon one leg, and he grew so drowsy, several times, that
+he nearly toppled over, to his great consternation, and the danger of his
+charge. But rousing up, and taking two or three pompous strides, and
+stretching his neck to its utmost, with a very wise look, he satisfied
+himself that all was right, and that he was not so bad a sentinel, after
+all.</p>
+
+<p>Near by this sleeping community, where a ripple played over a cluster of
+rocks, a flock of ducks were performing their ablutions. Now they were
+diving, now combing<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span> out their feathers, now rising and flapping their
+wings, now playing with each other, when the leader blowing a blast on his
+trumpet, they rose gracefully from their bath, and forming themselves into
+a <i>drag</i>, went winnowing up the river to their haunts far away.</p>
+
+<p>A sand-hill crane, hoisted up on his legs of stilts, his clothes gathered
+up, and pinned behind him, was leisurely wading about, spearing fish for
+his breakfast. A dozy, stupid-looking kingfisher sat upon a blasted limb
+just over him, looking as grave as a country justice engaged in the same
+business. A bald eagle came rushing down the stream like an air-ship, his
+great wings slowly heaving up and down, as if he had set out upon an
+all-day's journey. A muskrat ferried himself over from one side to the
+other, urgent upon business best known to himself. A prairie-wolf came down
+to the water's edge, gave a bark or two, and taking a drink, turned back
+the way he came.</p>
+
+<p>How many birds had left the wilderness for other climes! The blackbirds,
+those saucy gabblers, who spent the summer here, feeding upon wild rice,
+departed a month ago. I saw their bustle and preparation. They were days
+and days getting ready for their journey. The whole country around was
+alive with their noise. They sang, and fretted. They seemed to be out of
+all kind of patience with everybody and everything&mdash;to have a kind of spite
+against Nature for driving them off. All the trees about the marshes were
+loaded, and some were singing, some complaining, some scolding; but having
+finally completed their arrangements, all of a sudden they left. And the
+meadow-lark, that came so early with her spring song&mdash;she who used to sit
+upon the waving<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span> grass, and heave herself to and fro, in so ecstatic and
+polite a manner, as her melody rose and fell&mdash;she, too, is gone.</p>
+
+<p>But about <i>hunting bees</i>. Venison informed me that here was the spot where
+he should "try 'em&mdash;that he didn't know nothin' about his luck;" that "bees
+were the knowingest critters alive"&mdash;that they lived in "the holler trees,
+all around us." He said "they had queens to govern 'em"&mdash;that they had
+"workers and drones"&mdash;that "everything about 'em was done just so, and if
+any of 'em broke the laws, they just killed 'em, and pitched 'em
+overboard." This, he said, he had "seed himself; he had seed a reg'lar bee
+funeral." He "seed, once, four bees tugging at a dead body, drawing it on
+the back, when they throw'd it out of the hive, and covered it over with
+dirt." And then they have "wars," he says, and "gin'rals," and "captins,"
+and "sogers," and "go out a-fightin', and a-stealin' honey;" they are very
+"knowin' critters, and there is no tellin' nothin' about 'em."</p>
+
+<p>Venison took the little box he had brought with him, which was filled with
+honey, and, opening its lid, placed it on a stump. He then rambled around
+the woods until he found a lingering flower that had escaped the frost,
+with a honey-bee upon it. This he picked, bee and all, and placed on the
+honey. Soon the bee began to work and load himself; and finally he rose in
+circles, winding high in the air, and suddenly turning a right angle, he
+shot out of sight.</p>
+
+<p>"Where has he gone?" inquired I.</p>
+
+<p>"Gone hum where he lives," answered Venison, "to unload his thighs and tell
+the news."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>In a few moments, three bees returned, filled themselves, and departed;
+then six; then a dozen, until a black line was formed, along which they
+were rushing both ways, empty and laden, one <i>end</i> of which was lost in the
+forest.</p>
+
+<p>Venison and myself then started on a trot, with our eyes upward, to follow
+this living line; and after having proceeded a quarter of a mile it became
+so confused and scattered that we gave it up, and returned.</p>
+
+<p>"What now?" I inquired.</p>
+
+<p>"I'll have 'em! I'll have 'em!" he replied. "They can't cheat old Venison.
+I've hunted the critters mor-nor forty years, and I allers takes 'em when I
+tries. I'll draw a couple of more sights on 'em."</p>
+
+<p>Venison took two pieces more of honey, and placed one on each side of his
+box. The bees followed him and commenced their work. Very soon, instead of
+one, he had three lines established, his line of honey forming the base of
+a triangle, while the bees were all rushing to its point, on each side of
+this triangle, and through its middle.</p>
+
+<p>This, of course, was a demonstration. Venison and myself followed up again,
+and, sure enough, we "had 'em," as he predicted. There they were, roaring
+in the top of a great oak, like thunder, coming in and going out, wheeling
+up and down through the air as though some great celebration was going on.
+It seemed that the whole hive of workers must have broken forth to capture
+and carry away Venison's honey-box.</p>
+
+<p>"Will they sting?" inquired I.</p>
+
+<p>"Some folks say they will," he replied. "If they hate a man they'll follow
+him a mile; and nobody knows who they hate and who they don't, until
+they're tried."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Where's the honey?" I inquired again.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, that's the next thing I'm arter;" and Venison put his ear to the
+trunk of the tree to ascertain in what part of it they were "a-workin'." He
+listened a while, but "they warn't low down, he know'd, for he didn't hear
+'em hummin'." He thought the honey was "out the way, high up somewhere." So
+at the tree he went with his axe, and in half an hour the old oak&mdash;older,
+probably, than any man on the globe&mdash;came down with a crash that roused up
+all the echoes of the wilderness.</p>
+
+<p>Upon an examination, the honey was, probably, Venison thought, packed away
+in a hollow of the tree, about fifty feet from the ground, as a large
+knot-hole was discerned, out of which the bees were streaming in great
+consternation. So he severed the trunk again, at the bottom of the hollow,
+and there it was, great flakes piled one upon another, some of which had
+been broken by the fall of the tree, and were dripping and oozing out their
+wild richness.</p>
+
+<p>"That's the raal stuff," exclaimed Venison; "something 'sides bees-bread."</p>
+
+<p>Venison had brought nothing with him to hold his honey, and I was a little
+curious to know how he would manage. He cut the tree again above the knot.
+During his labor the bees had settled all over him. His hands, face, and
+hair were filled, besides a circle of them that were angrily wheeling about
+his head. But he heeded them not, except by an occasional shake, which was
+significant of pity rather than rage.</p>
+
+<p>"Now," said Venison, when his work was finished, the tree cut, the
+knot-hole stopped, and the whole turned upside down, "that's what I call a
+nat'ral bee-hive, and we'll just stuff in a little dry grass on the top,
+and then I'll be ready to move."</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 492px;">
+<img src="images/i-003.jpg" width="492" height="650" alt="A BEE HUNT.
+
+&quot;That&#39;s the raal stuff,&quot; exclaimed Venison; &quot;something &#39;sides bees&#39;-bread.&quot;
+Page 62." title="" />
+<span class="caption">A BEE HUNT.<br />
+
+&quot;That&#39;s the raal stuff,&quot; exclaimed Venison; &quot;something &#39;sides bees&#39;-bread.&quot;
+Page 62.</span>
+</div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Move!" I exclaimed, "move! You don't expect <i>ue</i> will carry home a <i>tree</i>,
+do you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Two or three on 'em, I s'pect. Venison allers gets as much as that."</p>
+
+<p>Venison was right. Before noon, half a dozen hives were captured and ready
+for removal. I confess, after the excitement was over, that I began to grow
+quite serious over my forenoon's labor. I sat down to rest myself, and the
+very solemnity of the wilderness produced a sober train of thought. A
+south-west breeze sprang up loaded with the dying breath of the
+fall-flowers. It was blowing down the leaves around me, and piling them up
+in gorgeous drifts. Like an undertaker around the remains of the dead, it
+was quietly tearing down the drapery, and preparing the year for its
+burial. A haze overspread everything, and the distance was mellow, the
+objects indistinct, and the whole landscape seemed swimming, as we
+sometimes see it in a dream. The trees were covered with haze; and a canoe,
+on its way down, appeared to be hung up in the air; the birds were hazy;
+and, looking about me, I appeared to be sitting in a great tent of haze.
+The squirrels were clattering through the trees, and throwing down the
+nuts; the partridges were drumming; the rabbits rustling through the dry
+leaves; the water-fowl hurrying through the air; and the crickets, those
+melancholy musicians, were piping a low, dirge-like strain to the golden
+hours of autumn as they passed away.</p>
+
+<p>I thought I could hear the great heart of Nature beat with measured and
+palpitating strokes; could feel the pendulum of Time swinging back and
+forth.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>But I said I was rather sober. There stood our six bee-hives, and clinging
+to each in large clusters were its inhabitants, who had been driven forth
+by us to brave a pitiless winter. We had destroyed six cities, and banished
+their people; six cities, six governments of law and order. Cities laid out
+in lanes, and streets, and squares; cities of dwelling-houses and castles;
+cities filled with all sorts of people; all castes in society. There were
+the queen and her palace; the drones and their castles; and the serf, or
+day-laborer, and his hut; and there, sitting upon her throne, the sovereign
+swayed as mighty a sceptre, tyrannized over as great a people, in her
+opinion, as any human despot. She undoubtedly bustled about, talked large,
+swelled up herself with her importance, boasted of her blood, of her divine
+right to rule (certainly divine in her case), just as all earthly princes
+do. There she projected plans of war, marshalled her forces, and stimulated
+their courage with inflammatory appeals. She talked about her house as the
+royal line, as the French used to about the Bourbons. And then a lazy
+aristocracy had been broken up by us; we had turned hundreds of drones
+adrift, and according to the modern definition, drones must be aristocrats;
+that is, they did no work, and lived upon the labor of others. They were,
+in all probability, just like all other aristocratic drones. They lounged
+about the hive in each other's company; had an occasional uproar at each
+other's table; turned out to take the morning air, and slept after dinner.
+They probably advised in all matters of public policy, and cried every day,
+"Long live the Queen." I did not care much about the drones, however. But
+we had turned the poor day-laborer out of doors; he who<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span> rose with the sun,
+and went forth to work while the dew was yet tying on the flowers. We had
+humbled the pride of six cities, and brought it to the dust. Is it strange
+that I felt sober?</p>
+
+<p>But Venison broke my musing by informing me that it was "about time to
+cakalate a little about getting our honey home, and he guessed he'd go and
+rig up a raft, and float the cargo down."</p>
+
+<p>And soon a raft was constructed of flood-wood, and bound together with
+green withes, the honey rolled aboard, two long poles prepared to be used
+to guide the craft, and away we glided, followed by a long train of bees,
+who had been despoiled, and who streamed along after us, until the shadows
+of evening arrested their flight, and parted them and their treasure
+forever.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CHAPTER IV.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>The Log-Chapel.&mdash;Father Beals.&mdash;Aunt Graves.&mdash;Sister
+Abigail.&mdash;Bigelow Van Slyck, the Preacher.&mdash;His Entr&eacute;e.&mdash;How
+he worked.&mdash;One of his Sermons.&mdash;Performance of the
+Choir.&mdash;"Coronation" achieved.&mdash;Getting into
+Position.&mdash;Personal Appeals.&mdash;Effect on the
+Congregation.&mdash;Sabbath in the Wilderness.&mdash;Is Bigelow the
+only Ridiculous Preacher?</p></div>
+
+
+<p>Puddleford was not altogether a wilderness, although it was located near a
+wilderness. It was located just on the outskirts of civilization, and, like
+Venison Styles, it caught a reflection of civilized life from the east, and
+of savage life from the west. It was an organized township, and was a part
+of an organized county. There were hundreds and thousands of men who were
+busy at work all over this county, cutting down the trees and breaking up
+the soil. Law and religion had found their way among them, just as they
+always accompany the American pioneer. It could not be otherwise; because
+these obligations grow up and weave themselves into the very nature of the
+people of our republic. They are written on the soul. So that judicial
+circuits, a court-house and jail, Methodist circuits and circuit-riders,
+and meeting-houses, were established. All this was rough, like the country
+itself.</p>
+
+<p>Few persons have ever attempted to define the piety of just such a
+community as this; and yet it has a form,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span> tone, and character peculiarly
+its own. The portraits of the Puddlefordians were just as clearly
+reproduced in their religion, as if they had been drawn by sunlight.</p>
+
+<p>The "log-chapel," as it was called at Puddleford, was filled each week,
+with one or two hundred rough, hard-featured, unlearned men and women, who
+had come in from all parts of the country; some for devotional exercises,
+some for amusement; some to look, and some to be looked at. This
+congregation shifted faces each week, like the colors in a kaleidoscope. It
+was never the same. The man in the pulpit must have felt as though he were
+preaching to a running river, whose parts were continually changing. Yet
+there was a church at Puddleford, in the strict sense of the word; it was
+organized, and had, at the time I refer to, ten regular members in good
+standing; all the rest was "floating capital," that drifted in from Sunday
+to Sunday, and swelled the "church proper."</p>
+
+<p>There was "Father Beals," and old "Aunt Graves," and "Sister Abigail," who
+were regular attendants at all times and seasons. They were, beyond all
+doubt, the pillars of the Puddleford church. Father Beals was <i>the</i> church,
+before any building for worship was erected. He was looked upon as a
+living, moving, spiritual body; a Methodist organization in himself; and
+wherever he went to worship on the Sabbath, whether in a private house, a
+barn, or in the forest, all the followers of that order were found with
+him, drawn there by a kind of magnetism. The old man had been one of the
+faithful from a boy; had carried his principles about him from day to day;
+was indeed a light in the world; and he was, by some plan of <span class="smcap">Providence</span>,
+flung far back into the wilderness,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span> all burning, to kindle up and set on
+fire those about him. His influence had built the log-chapel, and, like a
+regulator in a watch, he kept it steady, pushing this wheel a little
+faster, and checking that. Sometimes he had to command, sometimes entreat,
+sometimes threaten, sometimes soothe.</p>
+
+<p>"Father Beals" was a good man; and no higher compliment can be paid to any
+person. His head was very large, bald, and his hair was white. There was an
+expression of great benevolence in his face, and a cold calmness in his
+blue eye that never failed to command respect. He used to sit, on Sundays,
+just under the pulpit, with a red cotton handkerchief thrown over him,
+while his wide-brimmed hat, that he wore into the country, stood in front,
+on a table, and really seemed to listen to the sermon.</p>
+
+<p>"Aunt Graves" was a very useful body in her way, and the Puddleford church
+could not have spared her any more than "Father Beals." She was an old
+maid, and had been a member of the log-chapel from its beginning. She was
+one of those sincere souls that really believed that there was but one
+church in the world, and that was her own. She felt a kind of horror when
+she read of other denominations having an actual existence, and wondered
+"what kind of judgment would fall upon them." She didn't know very much
+about the Bible, but she knew a great deal about religion; she knew all
+about her own duty, and quite a good deal about the duty of her neighbors.</p>
+
+<p>Now "Aunt Graves" was useful in many ways. She kept, in the first place, a
+kind of spiritual thermometer, that always denoted the range of every
+member's piety<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span> except her own. Every slip of the tongue; every
+uncharitable remark; every piece of indiscretion, by word or deed; all acts
+of omission, as well as of commission, were carefully registered by her,
+and could at any time be examined and corrected by the church. This was
+convenient and useful. Then, she was a choice piece of melody; there was
+not another voice like hers in the settlement. It had evidently been
+pitched "from the beginning" for the occasion. It possessed great power,
+was quite shaky (a modern refinement in music), and could be heard from a
+half to three quarters of a mile. She has been known to sweep away on a
+high note, and actually take the Puddleford choir off their feet. She rode
+through the staff of music headlong, like a circus-rider around the ring;
+and could jump three or four notes at any time, without lessening her
+speed, or breaking the harmony. She would take any piece of sacred music by
+storm, on the very shortest notice. In fact, she was <i>the</i> treble, aided by
+a few others who had received their instruction from her; and she was just
+as indispensable to worship, she thought, as a prayer or a sermon.</p>
+
+<p>"Aunt Graves" always made it her business to "keep a sharp lookout" after
+the morals of the preacher. "Men are but men," she used to say, "and
+preachers are but men; and they need some person to give 'em a hunch once
+in a while." Sometimes she would lecture him of the log-chapel for hours
+upon evidences of piety, acts of immorality, the importance of
+circumspection, the great danger that surrounded him&mdash;her tongue buzzing
+all the while like a mill-wheel, propelled as it was by so much zeal. She
+said it almost made her "crazy to keep<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span> the Puddleford church right side
+up; for it <i>did</i> seem as though she had everything on her shoulders; and
+she <i>really</i> believed it would have gone to smash long ago, if it hadn't
+been for her."</p>
+
+<p>Now, "Sister Abigail" wasn't anybody in particular&mdash;that is, she was not
+exactly a free agent. She was "Aunt Graves's" shadow&mdash;a reflection of her;
+a kind of person that said what "Aunt Graves" said, and did what she did,
+and knew what she knew, and got angry when she did, and over it when she
+did. She was a kind of dial that "Aunt Graves" shone upon, and any one
+could tell what time of day it was with "Aunt Graves," by looking at
+"Sister Abigail."</p>
+
+<p>Besides these lights in the church, there were about (as I have said) ten
+or a dozen members, and a congregation weekly of one or two hundred.</p>
+
+<p>But I must not pass over the preacher himself. I only speak of one,
+although many filled the pulpit of the Puddleford church during my
+acquaintance with it. Bigelow Van Slyck was at one time a circuit-rider on
+the Puddleford circuit; and I must be permitted to say, he was the most
+important character that had filled that station prior to the time to which
+I have reference. He was half Yankee, half Dutch; an ingenious cross,
+effected somewhere down in the State of Pennsylvania. He was not yet a
+full-blown preacher, but an exhorter merely. He was active, industrious,
+zealous, and one would have thought he had more duty on his hands than the
+head of the nation. His circuit reached miles and miles every way. He was
+here to-day, there to-morrow, and somewhere else next day; and he ate and
+slept where he could.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Bigelow's appointments were all given out weeks in advance. These
+appointments must be fulfilled; and he was so continually pressed, that one
+would have thought the furies were ever chasing him.</p>
+
+<p>I have often seen him rushing into the settlement after a hard day's ride.
+He wore a white hat with a wide brim, a Kentucky-jean coat, corduroy vest
+and breeches, a heavy pair of clouded-blue yarn stockings, and stogy boots.
+He rode a racking Indian pony, who wore a shaggy mane and tail. Bigelow
+usually made his appearance in Puddleford just as the long shadows of a
+Saturday evening were pointing over the landscape. The pony came clattering
+in at the top of his speed, panting and blowing, as full of business and
+zeal as his master, while Bigelow's extended legs and fluttering bandana
+kept time to the movement. The women ran to the doors, the children paused
+in the midst of their frolic, as his pony stirred up the echoes around
+their ears; and it is said that the chickens and turkeys, who had often
+witnessed the death of one of their number when this phantom appeared, set
+up a most dismal hue-and-cry, and took to their wings in the greatest
+consternation.</p>
+
+<p>We hope that none of our readers will form an unfavorable opinion of
+Bigelow, after having read our description of him. He was the man of all
+others to fill the station he occupied. He was as much a part of, and as
+necessary to, the wilderness he inhabited, as the oak itself. He belonged
+to the locality. He was one of a gallery of portraits that nature and
+circumstances had hung up in the forest for a useful purpose, just as
+Squire Longbow was another. The one managed the church, the other the
+courts; and all this was done<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span> in reference to society as it was, not what
+it ought to be, or might be. There was a kind of elasticity about Bigelow's
+theology, as there was about the Squire's law, that let all perplexing
+technicalities pass along without producing any friction. They were
+graduated upon the sliding-scale principle, and were never exactly the
+same.</p>
+
+<p>Bigelow was a host in theology in his way. He could reconcile at once any
+and every point that could be raised. He never admitted a doubt to enter
+into his exhortations, but he informed his hearers at once just how the
+matter stood. He professed to be able to demonstrate any theological
+question at once, to the satisfaction of any reasonable mind; and it was
+all folly to labor with the unreasonable, he said, for they would "fight
+agin the truth as long as they could, any way."</p>
+
+<p>I used occasionally to hear him exhort, and he was in every respect an
+off-hand preacher. He worked like a blacksmith at the forge. Coat, vest,
+and handkerchief, one after the other, flew off as he became more and more
+heated in his discourse. At one time he thundered down the terrors of the
+law upon the heads of his hearers; at another he persuaded; and suddenly he
+would take a facetious turn, and accompany the truth with a story about his
+grandfather down on the Ohio, or an anecdote that he had read in the
+newspapers. He wept and he laughed, and the whole assembly were moved as
+his feelings moved; now silent with grief, and now swelling with
+enthusiasm.</p>
+
+<p>I recollect one of his sermons in part, and, in fact, the most of the
+services accompanying it. It was a soft day in June. The birds were singing
+and revelling among the trees which canopied the chapel. The church was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span>
+filled. The choir were all present. "Father Beals," "Aunt Graves," and
+"Sister Abigail" were in their accustomed seats. The farmers from the
+country had "turned out;" in fact, it was one of the most stirring days
+Puddleford had ever known. It was quite evident that the occasion was
+extraordinary, as "Aunt Graves" was very nervous the moment she took her
+seat in the choir. If any error should be committed, the exercises would be
+spoiled, prayers, preaching, and all; because, according to her judgment,
+they all depended upon good music; and <i>that</i> she was responsible for. So
+she began to hitch about, first this way, and then that; then she ran over
+the music-book, and then the index to it; then she hummed a tune inaudibly
+through her nose; then she examined the hymn-book, and then changed her
+seat; and then changed back again. She was, in her opinion, the wheel that
+kept every other wheel in motion; and what if <i>that</i> wheel should stop!</p>
+
+<p>But the hymn was at last given out; and there was a rustling of leaves, and
+an a-hemming, and coughing, and spitting, and sounding of notes; and a toot
+on a cracked clarinet, which had been wound with tow; and a low grunt from
+a bass-viol, produced by a grave-looking man in the corner. Then all rose,
+and launched forth in one of those ancient pieces of church harmony,
+"Coronation;" every voice and instrument letting itself go to its utmost
+extent. One airy-looking person was pumping out his bass by rising and
+falling on his toes; another, more solemn, was urging it up by crowding his
+chin on his breast; another jerked it out by a twist of his head; while one
+quiet old man, whose face beamed with tranquillity, just stood, in perfect
+ecstasy, and let the melody<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span> run out of his nose. The genius on the
+clarinet blew as if he were blowing his last. His cheeks were bloated, his
+eyes were wild and extended, and his head danced this way and that, keeping
+time with his fingers; and he who sawed the viol tore away upon his
+instrument with a kind of ferocity, as if he were determined to commit some
+violence upon it. But the treble&mdash;what shall I say of <i>it</i>? "Aunt Graves"
+was nowhere to be seen, after the "parts" had got into full play; she put
+on the power of her voice, and "drowned out" everything around her at once;
+and then, rising higher and higher, she rushed through the notes, the choir
+in full chase after her, and absolutely came out safely at last, and struck
+upon her feet, without injuring herself or any one else.</p>
+
+<p>When this performance closed, quite an air of self-satisfaction played over
+the faces of all, declaring clearly enough that their business was over for
+an hour at least. In fact, "Aunt Graves" was entirely out of breath, and
+remained in a languishing state for several minutes. So they busied
+themselves the best way they could. They gazed at every person in the house
+except the preacher, and did everything but worship. I noticed that it was
+very difficult for the female portion to "get into position." They tried a
+lounge and a lean, an averted face and a full one. Then their
+bonnet-strings troubled them, and then their shawls; and now a lock of hair
+got astray, and then something else. The men were as philosophical and
+indifferent as so many players at a show. He of the clarinet once so forgot
+the day as to raise his instrument to the window and take a peep through
+it, so that he might detect its air-holes, if any there were; and he
+afterwards amused himself and me, a long time, by gravely<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span> licking down its
+tow bandage, so that it might be in condition when called upon to perform
+again. In fact, the Puddleford choir was very much like choirs in all other
+places.</p>
+
+<p>By and by, Bigelow took his stand, preparatory to his sermon. I do not
+intend to follow Bigelow through his discourse, because I could not do so
+if I attempted it; nor would it be of any importance to the reader, if I
+could. He said he would not take any text, but he would preach a sermon
+that would suit a hundred texts. He did not like to confine himself to any
+particular portion of the Bible; but wished to retain the privilege of
+following up the manifold sins of his congregation, in whomsoever or
+wherever they existed. He then launched himself forth, denouncing, in the
+first place, the sin of profanity, which is very common in all new
+countries, evidently having in view two or three of his hearers who were
+notoriously profane; and after considering the question generally, he
+declared "that of all sinners, the profane man is the greatest fool,
+because he receives nothing for his wickedness. A'n't that true, Luke
+Smith?" he continued, as he reached out his finger towards Luke, whose
+daily conversation was a string of oaths; "a'n't that true? How much have
+<i>you</i> made by it?&mdash;answer to me, and this congregation." Luke quivered as
+if a shock of electricity had passed through him.</p>
+
+<p>Bigelow then gave a short history of his own sins in that line at an early
+day, before he entered the pulpit, when he was young and surrounded by
+temptations; but, he said, he reformed at last, and every other man might
+do so by the same means. "When you feel yourself swelling with a big
+oath&mdash;for every man feels 'em inside<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span> before they break out," exclaimed
+Bigelow,&mdash;"jump up and cry "Jezebel!" three times in succession, and you'll
+feel as calm as an infant. This," he continued, "lets off the feeling
+without the commission of sin, and leaves the system healthy."</p>
+
+<p>He next considered the sin of Sabbath-breaking; and he poured down the
+melting lava upon the heads of his hearers with a strength and ingenuity
+that I have seldom seen equalled. "Men," he said, "would labor harder to
+break the Sabbath than they would for bread. They would chase a deer from
+morning till night on this holy day, kill him, and then <i>throw the carcass
+away</i>; but week-days they lounge about some Puddleford dram-shop, while
+their families were suffering. Men, too," he continued, "fish on Sundays,
+because the devil has informed them that fish bite better. It is the devil
+himself who does the biting, not the fish; it is <i>he</i> who is fishing for
+<i>you</i>; for Bill Larkin, and Sam Trimble, and Hugh Williams, and scores of
+others; he's got you now, and you will be scaled and dressed for his table
+unless you escape instantly;" and then, to impress his illustration, he
+soared away into a flight of eloquence just suited to his hearers; rough
+and fiery, plain and pointed, neither above nor below the capacity of those
+he addressed.</p>
+
+<p>Bigelow then made a descent upon lying and liars. He regretted to say that
+this sin was very common in the church. "He had a dozen complaints before
+him now, undecided;" and he detailed a few of them, as specimens of "the
+depravity of the human heart." He "didn't want to hear any more of them, as
+he had something else to do, besides taking charge of the tongues of his
+church."</p>
+
+<p>Then came an exhortation on <i>duties</i>; and almost every<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span> practical virtue
+was mentioned and impressed. Early rising, industry, economy, modesty,
+contentment, etc., etc., all received a notice at his hands. "Don't sleep
+yourselves to death!" exclaimed Bigelow; "rise early! work! for while you
+sleep the Enemy will sow your fields full of tares; and the only way to
+keep him out is to be on the spot <i>yourself</i>!" This was a literal
+application of the parable, it is true; yet it was very well done, and
+productive, I have no doubt, of some good.</p>
+
+<p>Bigelow closed in a most tempestuous manner. He was eloquent, sarcastic,
+and comical, by turns. He had taken off nearly all his clothes, except his
+pantaloons, shirt, and suspenders; a custom among a certain class of
+western preachers, however strange it may appear to many readers. Streams
+of perspiration were running down his face and neck; his hair was in
+confusion; and altogether, he presented the appearance of a man who had
+passed through some convulsion of nature, and barely escaped with his life.</p>
+
+<p>I could not help thinking that Bigelow was entitled to great credit, not
+only for the matter his sermon contained, but in being able to deliver a
+sermon at all amid the confusion which often surrounded him. There were a
+dozen or more infants in the crowd, some crowing, some crying, and some
+chattering. One elderly lady, in particular, had in charge one of these
+responsibilities, that seemed to set the place and the preacher at
+defiance. She tried every expedient to quiet the little nuisance, but it
+was of "no use." She set it down, laid it down, turned it around, nursed
+it, chirped at it; and finally, giving up in despair, she placed it on her
+knee, the child roaring at the top of its lungs, and commenced trotting<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span> it
+in the very face of the audience. This operation cut up the music of the
+innocent, and threw it out in short, quick jerks, very agreeable to the
+preacher and congregation.</p>
+
+<p>An excellent old woman also sat directly in front of Bigelow, her left
+elbow resting on her knee, which she swayed to and fro with a sigh. Her
+face lay devoutly in the palm of her hand, while her right thumb and
+fore-finger held a pinch of snuff, which she every now and then slowly
+breathed up a hawk-bill nose, with a long-drawn whistle, something after
+the sort that broke forth from the clarinet a while before. She then blew a
+blast into a faded cotton handkerchief, that reverberated like the voice of
+"many trumpets." This was followed by fits of coughing, and sneezing, and
+sighing; in fact, she sounded as great a variety of notes as the choir
+itself.</p>
+
+<p>Besides all this, a troop of dogs who had followed their masters were
+continually marching up and down the chapel; and when any unusual
+excitement occurred with Bigelow, or any one else, as there did several
+times, we had a barking-chorus, which threatened to suspend the whole
+meeting. Bigelow, however, didn't mind any or all of these things; but,
+like a skilful engineer, he put on the more steam, and ran down every
+obstacle in his way.</p>
+
+<p>Reader, I have given you a description of the log-chapel at Puddleford. It
+is like a thousand other places of public worship in a "new country." If
+there is something to condemn, there is more to praise. There seems to be a
+providence in this, as in all other things.</p>
+
+<p>The settlers in a forest are a rough, hardy, and generally an honest race
+of men. It is their business to hew<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span> down the wilderness, and prepare the
+way for a different class who will surely follow them. They cannot
+cultivate their minds to any extent, or refine their characters. They must
+be reached through the pulpit by such means as <i>will</i> reach them. Of what
+importance is a nice theological distinction with them? Of what force a
+labored pulpit disquisition? They have great vices and strong virtues.
+Their vices must be smitten and scattered with a sledge-hammer; they are
+not to be played with in a flourish of rhetoric. Just such a human tornado
+as Bigelow is the man for the place; he may commit some mischief, but he
+will leave behind him a purer moral atmosphere and a serener sky.</p>
+
+<p>Society, in such a place as Puddleford, is cultivated very much like its
+soil. Both lie in a state of rude nature, and both must be improved. The
+great "breaking-plough," with its dozen yoke of cattle, in the first place,
+goes tearing and groaning through the roots and grubs that lie twisted
+under it, just as Bigelow tore and groaned through the stupidity and
+wickedness of his hearers. Then comes the green grass, and wheat, and
+flowers, as years draw on; producing, at last, "some sixty, and some a
+hundred-fold."</p>
+
+<p>There is something impressive in the Sabbath in the wilderness. A quiet
+breathes over the landscape that is almost overwhelming. In a city, the
+church-steeples talk to one another their lofty music; but there are no
+bells in the wilderness to mark the hours of worship. The only bell which
+is heard is rung by Memory, as the hour of prayer draws nigh; some
+village-bell, far away, that vibrated over the hills of our nativity, the
+tones of which we have carried away in our soul, and which are awakened by
+the solemnity of the day.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>There is a philosophy in all this, if we will but see it; there is more;
+there is a lesson, possibly a reproof. If we are disposed to smile at the
+rusticity of a Puddleford church, may we not with equal reason become
+serious over the overgrown refinement of many another? May not something be
+learned in the very contrast which is thus afforded? Do not the extravagant
+hyperbole, coarse allusions, irreverent anecdote, and strong but unpolished
+shafts of sarcasm, that such as Bigelow so unsparingly scatter over the
+sanctuary, give a rich background and strong relief to the finished
+rhetoric of many a pulpit essay, that has been written to play with the
+fancy and tranquillize the nerves of a refined and fashionable audience?
+Are not the extremes equally ridiculous? the one not having reached, the
+other having passed the zenith.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CHAPTER V.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Indian Summer.&mdash;Venison Styles again.&mdash;Jim Buzzard.&mdash;Fishing
+Excursion.&mdash;Muskrat City.&mdash;Indian Burying-ground.&mdash;The
+Pickerel and the Rest of the Fishes.&mdash;The Prairie.&mdash;Wild
+Geese.&mdash;The Old Mound.&mdash;Venison's Regrets at the
+degenerating Times.&mdash;His Luck, and Mine.&mdash;Reminiscences of
+the Beavers.&mdash;Camping out.&mdash;Safe Return.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>Indian summer had not yet taken her bow from the woods or her breath from
+the sky. Old Autumn still lay asleep; Time stood by, with his hour-glass
+erect, slowly counting the palpitations of his heart.</p>
+
+<p>Venison Styles appointed a day for a fishing excursion, and was desirous of
+my company; so, on one of those bright mornings, we might have been seen
+loading our gear into the boat, preparatory to a night's lodging in the
+woods. We were accompanied by "Jim Buzzard," a genuine Puddlefordian, whom
+we took along to do up the little pieces of drudgery that always attend
+such an expedition.</p>
+
+<p>Puddleford was a wonderful place for fish-eaters, and the only real harvest
+the villagers had was the fish-harvest. One half of Puddleford lived on
+fish, and everybody fished. But our "Jim Buzzard" was a character in fish,
+and I could never excuse myself if I should pass him over unnoticed.</p>
+
+<p>Where "Jim" was born&mdash;who was his father or<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span> mother&mdash;and whether he
+actually ever had any, are questions that no mortal man was ever yet able
+to answer. He appeared one spring morning in Puddleford with the swallows.
+The first thing seen of him, he was sitting, about sunrise, on an old dry
+goods' box, at the corner of a street, whistling a variety of lively airs.
+The crown was dangling from the top of his hat, he was shirtless and
+unshaved, and his shoes gaped horribly at the public.</p>
+
+<p>"Jim" was a genuine loafer, and loafers, you know, reader, pervade every
+place, and are always the same. There is a certain class of animals that
+are said to follow civilization, as sharks follow in the wake of a ship,
+and generally for the same reason, to pick up what they can find. Rats and
+loafers belong to this class, and there is no human ingenuity shrewd enough
+to keep them off: their appearance seems to be a simple fulfilment of a law
+of nature.</p>
+
+<p>Jim Buzzard was a fisher, too, and nothing but a fisher. He would sit on an
+old log by the bank of the river, and hold a pole from morning until night.
+If the fish would bite, very well; if they would not, very well. Ill-luck
+never roused his wrath, because there was no wrath in him to arouse. He was
+a true philosopher, and was entirely too lazy to get into a passion. Jim
+knew that the fish would bite to-morrow, or next day, if they didn't
+to-day. He was happy, completely so; that is, as completely happy as the
+world will admit. He didn't envy anybody&mdash;not he. All his wants were
+supplied, and what did he care about the possessions of his neighbors? He
+never realized any future, here or hereafter. Jim never lay awake nights,
+thinking about<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span> where he would be, or what he should have, next week. He
+didn't know as there was any next week. He knew the sun rose and set, which
+was all the time he ever measured at once. Well, as I said, Jim made one of
+our company.</p>
+
+<p>Our boat was finally loaded, our crew shipped, and we shot forth into the
+stream. The water lay as smooth as glass, and the reflected colors of the
+blazing trees that hung over it gave it the appearance of a carpet. The
+headlands put out here and there, intersected by long gores of marsh, that
+ran away a mile or more in the distance.</p>
+
+<p>Upon one of these marshes a city had been reared by the muskrats, which
+presented an interesting appearance. Hundreds of huts had been erected by
+this busy population, intended by them as their winter quarters, composed
+of grass and sticks and mud, and hoisted up beyond the reach of the spring
+floods. Each one was a little palace, and the whole sat upon the water like
+a miniature Venice. Here huts were entered by diving down, the front door
+being always concealed to prevent intrusion. Up and down the canals of this
+city the inhabitants gossiped and gambolled by moonlight, like those of
+every other gay place. They had their routs, and cotillons, and suppers, in
+all human probability, and for aught I know drank themselves stupid.
+Perhaps they kept up an opera. I say perhaps&mdash;we know so little of the
+inner life of these strange creatures, that we may draw upon the
+imagination in regard to their amusements as much as we please. If any
+transcendental muskrat should ever write the history of this colony, I will
+forward it to the newspapers by the first mail.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Venison said, "we were going to have a wet time on't, cause the rats had
+built so high, and the whole mash would be covered bime-by, by the rains."
+He said, "muskrats know'd more nor men about times ahead, and fixed up
+things 'cordingly."</p>
+
+<p>Our boat glided along until we came in sight of a huge bluff that had
+pushed itself half across the stream. A melancholy fragment of one of the
+tribes of Indians, who once held the sovereignty of the soil, and who had
+escaped a removal, or had wandered back from their banishment, were
+clustered upon it. They had erected a long pole, and gathered themselves,
+hand in hand, in a circle about it; within this circle, their medicines and
+apparel worn in worship, lay for consecration. The plaintive chant was
+heard melting along the waters, as they wheeled round and round in their
+solemn service. I have never looked upon a more touching exhibition. Most
+of these Indians were very old; they had outlived their tribe, their
+country, their glory&mdash;everything but their ceremonies and themselves. What
+a beautiful tribute was this to the past! a handful of worshippers
+lingering round the broken altar of their temple, and hallowing its very
+ruins.</p>
+
+<p>Near by, and on the southern slope of the bluff, lay the remains of an
+extensive Indian burying-ground. No white man could tell its age. Large
+oaks, centuries old, that had grown since the dead were first deposited
+there, stood up over the graves. No monuments of stone designated the
+thousands of sleepers&mdash;the living themselves were the monuments of the
+dead. Weapons of war and peace were scattered beneath the turf, mixed with
+crumbling human bones.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What were this little band of red men, thought I, but so many autumn
+leaves? A few years more, and the solitary boat, as it turns this headland,
+will find no warrior kneeling on its height. The Great Spirit will brood
+alone over the solitude.</p>
+
+<p>By and by, we turned into a bay, sheltered by an overhanging cliff, where
+we cast our anchor, and made ready for work. The water was transparent, and
+the shining pebbles glittered in the sandy depths below. Shoals of fish had
+gathered in this nook, beyond the strife of waters. The sun-fish, his back
+all bristling with rage, ploughed around with as much ferocity as a
+privateer; the checkered perch lazily rolled from side to side, as his
+breath came and went; the little silver dace darted and flashed through
+each other their streams of light; and away off, all alone, the pickerel,
+that terror of the pool, stood as still and dart-like as the vane of a
+steeple.</p>
+
+<p>This congregation reminded me of the stir we sometimes find in the ports of
+a city. They seemed to have much business on hand. They were continually
+putting out and putting in; sometimes alone and sometimes in fleets. I
+noticed an indolent old "sucker," who made several unsuccessful attempts to
+reach the current, and get under headway. Once in a while, a fish would
+come dashing in from above, like a ship before a gale, throwing the whole
+community into an uproar.</p>
+
+<p>Below us, on the left bank of the river, stretched a prairie which was
+several miles in circumference. It was dotted, here and there, with a
+settler's cabin, but the greater part yet lay in the wild luxuriance of
+nature. It was surrounded by the forest, and long points of woodland
+pierced it, now glowing like a flame. Shooting<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span> back and forth, the
+prairie-hens sailed across it like boats upon the main. The sky above it
+was filled with hawks, sweeping round and round in search of prey&mdash;now they
+rested upon their outspread wings&mdash;then plunged through a long-drawn
+curve&mdash;then gracefully moved near the earth in downward circles, as some
+object was discovered, winnowing a while above it, to make sure of its
+nature and position, and rising once more, and turning with lightning
+quickness, away they rushed upon their quarry, and soared away with it on
+high.</p>
+
+<p>In the depth of winter, when the lakes and rivers are bound in ice, vast
+bodies of geese assemble there. Acres of ground are covered, and they storm
+about their camp like an army of soldiers. Some commanding elevation, far
+out from shore, beyond the reach of the hunter's gun, is selected. When
+disturbed, their sentinels blow the alarm, and away they go, piping their
+dismal dirge, until it dies afar in the sky. By daybreak the next morning,
+they are on the ground again, as tranquil as though nothing had happened.</p>
+
+<p>It is almost impossible to trap these wanderers. Before they establish
+their quarters, they study the landscape with the eye of a painter. They
+take a daguerrian view of objects as they are. The log-hut, with its
+curling smoke&mdash;the hay-stack crowned with snow&mdash;the settler's cart tipped
+up, its tongue pointing towards the north star&mdash;a goose understands as well
+as a man. <i>They</i> never blow up nor work destruction. But just try an
+artificial house of boughs, a brush fence, or an intrenchment near their
+lines. They see the plot at a glance, and draw out of harm's way, and pitch
+their snowy tents again, beyond its reach. As well chase the fabled island
+as a flock of wild geese.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Not far below this prairie, near the bank of the river, a venerable mound
+raised its solitary head. It was thinly covered with oaks, and belonged to
+Oblivion. It was one of the few feathers that Time had cast in his flight,
+to mark the past and confuse the present. It looked like a hand reached out
+from eternity; but <i>whose</i> hand? Ay, whose? Who built it? When? Why? It was
+filled with all kinds of strange things that had been planted there by a
+busy race who were unable to preserve their own history. Their works had
+outlived themselves; but they cannot talk to us, nor tell us what they are,
+nor who fashioned them. There it stands, gazing dumbly at all who look upon
+it, a sad lesson to individual pride or national glory.</p>
+
+<p>Venison did not seem quite satisfied with the prospect of catching fish in
+the little bay. "'Tain't as it used to be," sighed the old hunter. "Before
+the woods were cut down, and them are dams built," said he, "the whole
+river was alive with all sorts of fish. In the spring-time the salmon-trout
+and sturgeon used to come up out of the lakes to feed, but they can't get
+up any more. They keep trying it every year yet, and thousands on 'em may
+be seen packed in below old Jones' dam, 'long 'bout April, waiting and
+waiting for it to go off. For I s'pose they think 'tain't nothing but
+flood-wood lodged."</p>
+
+<p>"Why don't they climb it?" inquired I.</p>
+
+<p>"When the water is very high up, and there arn't much of a riffle there,
+they will sometimes; but they can't climb like them speckled trout&mdash;they'll
+go right up a mountain stream, and make nothing on't&mdash;them fellers beat all
+nater for going anywhere."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>However, as I said somewhere back in my narrative, we made ready for work.
+We looked around for Jim Buzzard, and found him sitting in the bow of the
+boat, his legs sprawled out, his head dropped on his chin, his ragged hat
+cocked on one side, fast asleep. There was an ease and self-abandonment
+about his appearance that were really beautiful. Jim could sleep
+anywhere&mdash;some people can't. He was never nervous. He never had any spasms
+about something that could never occur. He had no notes falling due&mdash;no
+crops in the ground&mdash;no merchandise on his hand&mdash;no property, except the
+little he carried on his back, and that he didn't really own; it was given
+to him&mdash;he was no candidate for office, and didn't even know or care who
+was President&mdash;all administrations were alike to him, for all had treated
+him well. He never flew into a passion because some persons slandered him,
+because he had no character to injure.</p>
+
+<p>"Hallo, Jim!" I screamed, with my mouth to his ear, "the boat is sinking."</p>
+
+<p>He gaped, and groaned, and stretched a few times, and finally opened his
+eyes, and adjusted his hat, and looking up at me, "Let her sink, then," he
+replied; "we can get-er up agin."</p>
+
+<p>"Stir around! stir around, Jim!" I exclaimed; "the fish are waiting for our
+bait; out with your pole."</p>
+
+<p>He said, "<i>he</i> was goin' overboard arter fresh-water clams&mdash;kase they were
+good with salt, and anybody could eat 'em;" and rolling up his breeches,
+over he went, and moving away down near a sandy beach, he commenced digging
+his clams with his feet, and piling them up on shore by his side.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Venison and myself dashed our lines overboard. I watched every movement of
+the old hunter. He went through as many ceremonies as a magician working a
+charm. His "minnys" (minnows), as he called them, were hooked tenderly at a
+particular place in the back, so that they might shoot around in the water,
+without dying in the effort; his hook was pointed in a certain direction,
+so as to catch at the first bite; he then spit upon the bait, and swinging
+the line a few times in circles, he threw it far out in the stream.</p>
+
+<p>"That'll bring a bass, pickerel, or something," said he, as it struck the
+water.</p>
+
+<p>Soon the pole bent, and Venison sprang upon it.</p>
+
+<p>"Pull him out!" exclaimed I.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't never hurry big fish," replied he; "let him play round a little;
+he'll grow weak byme-by, and come right along into the boat;" and
+accordingly, Venison "<i>let</i> him play;" he managed the fish with all that
+refinement in the art that sportsmen know so well how to appreciate and
+enjoy. Sometimes it raced far up the stream, then far down; and once, as
+the line brought it up on a downward trip, it bounded into the air, and
+turned two or three summersets that shook the silver drops of water from
+its fins. After a while, it became exhausted, and Venison slowly drew him
+into the boat, all breathless and panting; a famous pickerel, four feet
+long and "well proportioned."</p>
+
+<p>My poles, all this time, remained just where I first placed them&mdash;not a
+nibble, as I knew. Some very wicked people, I have been informed, swear at
+fish when they refuse to bite&mdash;but I did not&mdash;because I have never been
+able to see why <i>they</i> were to blame, or<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span> why swearing would reform them,
+if they were. It was no very good reason that they should take hold of one
+end of my pole and line, because I happened to be at the other.</p>
+
+<p>Not having much luck with big fish, I concluded to amuse the "small fry."
+So out went my hook ker-slump right down in the midst of a great gathering,
+who seemed to have met on some business of importance. It was a little
+curious to watch these finny fellows as they eyed my worm. They swept round
+it in a circle, a few times, and coming up with a halt, and forming
+themselves abreast, they rocked up and down from head to tail, as they
+surveyed the thing. By and by, a perch, a little more venturesome than the
+rest, floated up by degrees to the bait, his white fins slowly moving back
+and forth, and carefully reaching out his nose, he touched it, wheeled, and
+shot like a dart out of sight. In a few minutes he came round in the rear
+of the company, to await further experiments. Next came the sun-fish,
+jerking along, filled with fire and fury, with a kind of who's-afraid sort
+of look, and striking at my hook, actually caught the tip of the barb, and
+I turned the fellow topsy-turvy, showing up his yellow to advantage. He
+left for parts unknown. There was a small bass who had strayed into the
+community, whom I was anxious to coax into trouble; but he lay off on his
+dignity, near an old root, to see the fun. I moved my hook towards him. He
+shot off and turned head to, with a no-you-don't sort of air. I took my
+bait from the water and spit on it, but it wouldn't do. I took it out
+again, and went through an incantation over it, but I couldn't catch him by
+magic; and I have no doubt, reader, he is there yet.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Venison, every little while, dragged another and another pickerel aboard.
+Pretty soon we had Jim Buzzard cleaning fish, and packing away in a barrel,
+with a little sprinkling of salt.</p>
+
+<p>I gathered in my lines, arose, and thanked the whole tribe of fish,
+generally and particularly, for their attendance upon me, and promised not
+to trouble them for a month at least.</p>
+
+<p>The sun was waning low, and the shadows of the trees were pointing across
+the river. The clouds in the west gathered themselves into all kinds of
+pictures. There was a fleet of ships, all on fire, in full sail, far out at
+sea; the fleet dissolved, and a city rose out of its ruins, filled with
+temples, and domes, and turrets, and divided into streets, up and down
+which strange and fantastic figures were hurrying. The city vanished, and a
+pile of huge mountains shot up their rugged peaks, around which golden
+islands lay anchored, all glowing with light. Away one side, I noticed a
+grave, corpulent, and shadowy old gentleman, astride an elephant, smoking a
+pipe, and he puffed himself finally away into the heavens, and I have never
+seen him since&mdash;a solemn warning to persons who use tobacco.</p>
+
+<p>Venison said "we had better hunt up our camping-ground, for his stomach was
+getting holler, and he wanted to fill it up."</p>
+
+<p>Below us, a sparkling stream put into the river. Just above it, a mile or
+so, lay a broad lake, which was fed from this same stream&mdash;it came in from
+the wilderness. We started for this lake, and wound our way up this little
+creek amid the struggling shafts of sunlight that hung over it. The
+water-fowl were hurrying past us,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span> towards the same spot, to take up their
+night's lodging, and we drove flocks of them ahead as we crowded upon them.
+The dip of our oars echoed among the shadows. We reached our ground,
+unloaded our gear, and prepared for the night.</p>
+
+<p>Venison directed Jim Buzzard to build a "stack" and get supper. So, a pile
+of stones was laid up, with a flat one across the top, leaving a hole
+behind for the smoke to escape. Venison knocked over a gray duck on the
+lake with his rifle, and it was not long before we had four feet of
+pickerel and that self-same duck sprawled out on the hot stone, frying.</p>
+
+<p>Venison was rather gloomy. "This," said he, "makes me think of times gone.
+I used to camp here all alone, years ago, when there warn't no settlers for
+miles. I used to catch otter and beaver and rat, and sleep out weeks to a
+time. But the beaver and otter are gone."</p>
+
+<p>"Beaver here?" inquired I.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, not more'n nor a mile or so up this creek, I've killed piles on 'em.
+Why, I seed a company on 'em, up there, once, of two or three hundred. They
+com'd down one spring and clear'd off acres of ground that had grown up to
+birch saplings, that they wanted to build a dam with, and there they let
+the trees lie until August. Then they started to build their houses all
+over the low water in the mash&mdash;great houses four or five feet through&mdash;and
+they work'd in companies of four or five on a house till they got 'em done.
+You jist ought to see 'em carry mud and stones between their fore-paws and
+throat, and see 'em lay it down and slap it with their tails, like men who
+work with a trowel."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said I, "about those trees that they cleared off?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"When they got 'em done, then they all jined in to build a dam, to raise up
+the water, so't wouldn't freeze up the doors of their houses. And then
+there was a time on't. You might see 'em by moonlight, pitching in the
+trees, and swimming down the stream with 'em, and laying 'em in the current
+of the creek, like so many boys."</p>
+
+<p>"Pshaw!" said I.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir! I seed one night a lot of beavers drawing one of the biggest
+trees they had cut. It was more'n six inches through. They got it part over
+the bank, when it stuck fast. Jest the top of the tree was in the water,
+and there were four or five on 'em sousing round in the water, pulling this
+way and that, and as many more on the bank jerking at it, until byme-by it
+went in kerswash; the beavers all took hold on't, then, and towed it to the
+dam."</p>
+
+<p>"And so they really built a dam?"</p>
+
+<p>"A dam three feet high, and forty or fifty long&mdash;all laid up with birch
+trees, and mud and stones, so tight 'tain't gone yet. The beaver have gone
+long ago, but the dam hain't."</p>
+
+<p>"How did you catch 'em?" said I.</p>
+
+<p>"When the fur is good, in the winter, we jest went round with our
+ice-chisels and knocked their houses to pieces, when away they would go for
+their <i>washes</i>, as we used to call 'em, where we fastened 'em in and
+catch'd 'em."</p>
+
+<p>"Washes? what are they?" inquired I.</p>
+
+<p>"Holes the beavers dig in the bank, partly under water, where they can run
+in and breathe without being seen."</p>
+
+<p>Venison was going on to tell me how many beaver<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span> skins he got, but the duck
+and fish were done, and had been divided up by Jim Buzzard, and handsomely
+laid out on a piece of clean bark, ready to eat.</p>
+
+<p>We ranged ourselves in a row, squat upon the ground like so many Turks,
+drew our hunting-knives, and went to work. I looked out upon the lake that
+lay like a looking-glass, draped with gauze, at my feet. Day was dying over
+it like a strain of music. One slender bar of light lay trembling along its
+eastern shore. By and by it crept up the bank; from that to a mound behind,
+and from which it took a leap to a hill a mile distant, where it faded and
+faded into twilight. The water-fowl were screaming among the flags, and I
+noticed a belated hawk winging his way through the air on high, to his home
+in the forest. I could almost hear the winnowing of his wings in the silent
+sky. A chick-a-dee-dee came bobbing and winding down an oak near me, for
+the purpose of coaxing a supper. The trees began to assume uncertain
+shapes&mdash;the arms of the oaks stretched out longer and longer. The new moon
+grew brighter and brighter in the west. There it hung, looking down into
+the lake. The river sent up its hollow roar, the mists settled thicker and
+thicker, and solemn night at last came down over the wilderness.</p>
+
+<p>After I had finished my watch of departing day, I looked around for my
+company. "Jim" had been stuffing himself for the last half hour, until he
+had grown as stupid as an over-fed anaconda. His jaws were moving very
+slowly over the bone of a duck&mdash;his eyes were drowsy&mdash;and every now and
+then he heaved a long-drawn sigh&mdash;a kind of melancholy groan over his
+inability to eat any more.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Venison said "we must build up our night fire to keep off the varmints,"
+and accordingly we reared a pile of brush of logs, set it a-going, made up
+our bed of withered leaves, ranged ourselves in a circle with our feet
+turned to the blaze, and were soon lost in sleep.</p>
+
+<p>Morn broke over us lovely as ever. As the first gray streaks began to melt
+away, Venison roused up to get a deer for breakfast. We went out on to a
+run-way, hid ourselves in the bushes, and soon a large buck, his antlers
+swung aloft, came snuffing and cracking along over the leaves, on his way
+to the lake to take his morning drink. Pop! and over he went, and soon his
+"saddles" were taken out and carried into camp, our stack started, and
+breakfast prepared.</p>
+
+<p>Another day was loitered away among the fish&mdash;another day, beautiful as the
+last, we floated over the lake, and threaded the stream that poured into
+it. At night we found ourselves safely moored at Puddleford, our boat
+loaded with fish, and my soul filled with a thousand beautiful pictures of
+nature, that hang there winter and summer, as bright and lovely as life
+itself.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CHAPTER VI.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Educational Efforts.&mdash;Squire Longbow's "Notis."&mdash;"The
+Saterday Nite."&mdash;Ike and the Squire.&mdash;Various Remarks to the
+Point.&mdash;Mrs. Fizzle and the Temperance Question.&mdash;Collection
+taken.&mdash;General Result.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>There has been much written in the world about the benefits of education. I
+am very sure that its importance was not overlooked in Puddleford. I cannot
+say that the village has ever produced giants in literature, but it has
+produced great men, comparatively speaking and judging, and very great if
+we take the opinion of the Puddlefordians themselves. Somebody once said
+that "in the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed are monarchs," and I
+suppose it was upon this principle, if we give the maxim a literal
+construction, that Squire Longbow, who had lost an eye, as the reader may
+recollect, had become elevated to such a pitch among his neighbors.</p>
+
+<p>Education, in almost every western community, stands at about a certain
+level among the masses. That level changes with changing generations, but
+very seldom among individuals of the same. I ought perhaps to exclude the
+Squire, who was an exception to all general rules, and would have
+undoubtedly distinguished himself anywhere and under any circumstances. The
+children of the pioneer, or a portion of them, receive educational<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span>
+advantages, which had been denied the father, and their children still
+greater, until at last the polished statue rises out of the marble in the
+quarry.</p>
+
+<p>But there were efforts making at Puddleford, about the time I allude to, to
+increase the common stock of knowledge, and keep up the general reputation
+of Puddleford with that of the world, which ought not to pass unnoticed.</p>
+
+<p>One day in November, I discovered the following notice posted up in the
+streets, and nailed to several trees adjacent to the highways in the
+country:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot">
+<p class="center">"NOTIS</p>
+
+<p>"To all it may konsarn&mdash;men, wimmin, and their children.
+Whareas, edication, and knowlidg of all sorts, is very
+likely to run down in all knew countrys, owin to a great
+manny reasons that aint propper to go into this ere
+notis&mdash;and whareas many of the habitants of Puddleford and
+the circumjacint country all round bout it, are in danger of
+suffering that way&mdash;And whareas a few of us leading men have
+thot on the matter, and concluded that sumthing must very
+soon be did, or til be too late&mdash;therefore a meeting will be
+held at the log-chapel next Saterday nite, to raise up the
+karacter of the people in this respect.</p>
+
+<p class="sig">
+(Signed.)<br />
+<br />
+'<span class="smcap">Squire Longbow</span> And others.'"<br />
+</p></div>
+
+<p>On the "Saterday nite," mentioned in the above "notis," I attended at the
+log-chapel, for the purpose of raising up the "karacter of the people." The
+gathering<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span> was large&mdash;made up of men and women, and quite a number were in
+from the country. Squire Longbow, the "Colonel," "Stub Bulliphant" the
+landlord of the Eagle, Ike Turtle the pettifogger, Sile Bates his opponent,
+Charity Beadle, Philista Filkins, "Aunt Graves," "Sister Abigail," Sonora
+Brown, and a large number of others, made up the meeting. It was very
+evident that something <i>would</i> be done. Pretty soon Ike Turtle rose, gave a
+loud rap with his fist on the side of the house, and said it was "high time
+this ere body came to order, and he would nominate Squire Longbow for
+President."</p>
+
+<p>"You've heerd the nomination," continued the Squire, rising slowly from his
+seat in another part of the house. "You who are in my favor say Ay!"</p>
+
+<p>"Ay!" exclaimed the house.</p>
+
+<p>"Clear vote&mdash;no use in putting the noes;" and Squire Longbow took his stand
+in the pulpit, and proceeded:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Feller-citizens, ladies and gentlemen, all on you who are here, just keep
+still while I thank you. We have cum up here on a pretty big
+business&mdash;neither more nor less than edication. P'raps you don't all on you
+know that edication makes everybody and everything&mdash;it made our
+forefathers, it made some of us, and is a going to make our children, if
+<i>we</i> do <i>our</i> duty. You have made me President on this occasion, and it is
+my duty to thank you, and feller-citizens, you don't, you can't, no man
+<i>can</i> tell how I feel when&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>Here Ike Turtle rose. "Squire Longbow," said Ike, "arn't it rather
+on-parliamentary to be speaking when you hain't got no secretary to take
+things down?"</p>
+
+<p>The Squire was thunderstruck. "No secretary!" he exclaimed, "no secretary!
+all void! but I'll appoint Sile<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span> Bates secretary <i>tunk pro nunck</i> (nunc pro
+tunc), as we say in law, and that'll save proceedings&mdash;and as I was
+saying," continued the Squire, "no man can tell how I feel, pressed down as
+I am with the responsibility that you have thrown on to me." The Squire
+then took his seat.</p>
+
+<p>Ike Turtle rose again to state the object of the meeting. He said "he was
+an old residenter, and he had in fact grown up with the country. He had
+seed everything go ahead except edication. Taking out the President,
+members of the larned professions, the school-master, and the man who
+tended Clewes' grocery, there warn't hardly a person of edication left.
+Now," continued Ike, warming up, "this shouldn't orter be&mdash;we should all
+set about de <i>tar</i> mined to do something ('Amen!' groaned Father Beals.)
+Why, if it looks dark, feller-citizens, remember the dark days of the
+revolution, when the soldiers went roaming about, with a piece of
+corn-bread in one hand, nothing in t'other, with ragged uniforms on, and
+little or no breeches, yet all the while busting with patriotism. Jest turn
+your eyes backwards on to them times, and you'll think you're in paradise.
+Something's got to be did for edication. We've got to have a Lyceum, a
+library, and lecters on all the subjects of the day. (Here 'Aunt Graves'
+gave a groan, as she expected all this would be accomplished by taxation.)
+Don't groan over yender," exclaimed Ike, "'taint right to groan at a new
+thing just a-starting&mdash;might as well groan down a child for fear he
+wouldn't be a man. Yes, they must be had&mdash;I say they must! or we'll all run
+to seed, and die. Why, Christopher Columbus, men and women, how many on you
+don't know your right hand from your left, scientifically speaking, and
+byme-by we<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span> shall go to ruin as old Nineveh did. Mr. President, I move that
+a collection be taken for the gineral purposes of this meeting."</p>
+
+<p>I was a little puzzled to determine whether Ike was serious or not. With
+all his eccentricities, he was a good citizen, and always put his shoulder
+to the public wheel. When he made his motion to take up a collection, a
+dead calm fell upon the audience. After a few moments, Sile Bates rose, and
+said,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>He "hoped this 'spectable meeting warn't going to Peter-out."</p>
+
+<p>The calm continued. Squire Longbow stepped forward from his seat in the
+pulpit, and remarked that "he couldn't see what difference it would make a
+thousand years hence whether they did anything, or whether they didn't."</p>
+
+<p>A man from the country "didn't know what money had to do with edication."</p>
+
+<p>The Colonel said his pockets were "as dry as a powder-house."</p>
+
+<p>One old lady thought "somebody'd have to sign for her 'fore spring."</p>
+
+<p>Aunt Graves thought that "poor folks, who lived on bil'd vittels, hadn't
+orter be called on."</p>
+
+<p>The hat was, however, passed around, and three dollars and seventy-five
+cents raised, "for the gineral purposes of the meeting," according to Ike's
+motion; and I will say here that this amount was appropriated towards the
+purchase of books for the Puddleford library, which was established at this
+meeting, and which has now grown into usefulness and importance.</p>
+
+<p>The hat was reached up to the secretary, who gave it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span> a couple of shakes,
+declaring at the same time, that he was "happy to say that the public
+spirit of Puddleford hadn't gin out yet."</p>
+
+<p>Squire Longbow then rose and said, that "some plan must be laid to get up a
+set of lecters. There were three great sciences, law, preaching, and
+physic&mdash;law consarned property, physic consarned the body, and preaching
+consarned the soul. These sciences must be scattered, so everybody could
+enjoy 'em. He could talk on law himself, and Bigelow could on preaching,
+and physic was understood, any way. There were other subjects which would
+come up in their order. There was paintin', and poetry, and music&mdash;but them
+warn't of no account in a new country where money was skase. Politics was
+one of the uncertain sciences, and it didn't do much good to speak on't,
+any how. A feller might study and study, and just likely as not the next
+election would blow him into fiddle-strings. Yet politics had got to be
+had, 'cause that was what kept the country alive, and made liberty grow.
+Old Gineral Washington himself had a little on't. He said 'twas one etarnal
+job to start edication, but jist get the thing a-goin once, and it'll move
+off like ile&mdash;it'll run rite off like a steam injin."</p>
+
+<p>Ike said "he know'd a curtain lecter or two might be had," looking round at
+Stub Bulliphant. "They warn't the worst kind nother. They'd bring a man all
+up standin', when nothin' else would. He'd seen a fellow cave right in
+under one on 'em, and come out as cow'd as a whipt spaniel. About lecterin'
+on politics, he didn't know. He guessed the bushes were a little too thick
+to talk on that, yet. He hoped the meetin' would speak right out, and
+'spress their feelin's, wimmin and all."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Old Mrs. Fizzle had been watching the movement of this august body for some
+time, and had thought, several times, that it was her duty to speak. When
+Ike, therefore, invited "women and all," she concluded to try it. She was a
+tall, weasel-faced looking person, and belonged to Bigelow's church. She
+was an out-and-out temperance woman, and had kept all Puddleford hot by her
+efforts to put down the sale of intoxicating drinks. She was a fiery,
+nervous, active, good sort of a woman. Mrs. Fizzle rose. She said "she
+thought she would give this meetin' a piece of her mind, consarnin' things
+in general. She didn't know but the meetin' was well enough&mdash;she liked
+meetins&mdash;she said she didn't care nothin' about politics, never did her any
+good as she know'd on&mdash;she didn't want to hear any lecters any way 'bout
+that. If some on 'em would talk 'bout temperance, she'd turn out, and give
+a little something to help the cause along. She said if she really thought
+that this meetin' could stop Clewes from selling licker, she'd tend it
+reg'lar."</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly, ma'am," said Ike, rising, and turning his eyes towards Mrs.
+Fizzle. "We'll put a <i>ha</i>bus corpus on to him 'fore breakfast to-morrow
+morning."</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Fizzle said, "she didn't know what that was, and she didn't care much,
+if 'twould only hold him tight."</p>
+
+<p>Ike said "it would hold him&mdash;couldn't break it no how&mdash;it was made by the
+law to catch just such chaps with."</p>
+
+<p>"Wal," said Mrs. Fizzle, "if the law made it, I'm 'fraid on't. I've hearn
+tell how folks creep through holes the law leaves. I don't like your
+scorpus, as you call it."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Squire Longbow rose. "He felt it his duty to say, that a writ of habus
+scorpus would hold anything on airth. It was one of the biggest writs in
+all nater. He could hold all Clewes' grocery with one on 'em. He felt it
+his duty further to say this as a magistrate, who was bound by his oath to
+take care of the law."</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Fizzle "thought that would do. She had great 'spect for the Squire's
+opinion&mdash;and she now thought she'd go in for the meetin'."</p>
+
+<p>Sile Bates said, "for his part, he thought the meetin' was getting a good
+deal mixed. 'Every tub orter stand on its own bottom,' as the Apostle Paul,
+Shakspeare, John Bunyan, or some other person said. We can't do everything
+all at onst; if we try, we can't make the Millennium come until 'tis time
+for't. We can kinder straighten up matters&mdash;hold onto the public morals a
+little more&mdash;and give edication a punch ahead. But who knows anything about
+the sciences in Puddleford? and who can lecter? 'When the blind lead the
+blind,' as the newspapers say, 'they all go head over heels into the
+ditch.' Great C&aelig;sar Augustus, Mr. President, jist think of a lecter on
+'stronomy, that <i>etarnal</i> science, which no man can lay his hands on, which
+the human intellect gets at by figuring. Just think of Bigelow Van Slyck,
+Ike Turtle, or <i>you</i>, Mr. President, measuring the distance to the stars.
+Don't it make your head swim, to think on't? He wouldn't say that the
+Squire couldn't lay down the law for the people, 'cause he made most on't,
+and ought to know it by heart. (The Squire gave a loud cough, and
+straightened himself in his seat.) As for licker, he always <i>was</i> agin it,
+that is, he never touch'd it except in haying, harvesting, husking, and
+occasionally,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span> a little along, between, when he didn't feel right. He
+s'posed he was a strict temperance man&mdash;was secretary of a teetotal society
+once, but it died out for want of funds to keep up lights and fires. He
+hop'd this meetin' wouldn't get so much on its shoulders, as to break down
+'fore it got started."</p>
+
+<p>There were several more speeches and suggestions made. There were two or
+three on the floor at once, several times, during the progress of business.
+Order was out of the question. A course of lectures was finally decided
+upon, and the meeting adjourned. The reader will not forget that the end
+had in view by this rough, deliberate body was noble; and, in their own
+way, they moved along steadily towards it. Such a people do not forget
+their duty, however ludicrously the discharge of it may be at first.</p>
+
+<p>Looking back from the present, over a period of ten years, at the
+proceedings of this meeting and its results, I feel quite disposed to write
+down Squire Longbow, Ike Turtle, and Sile Bates, among the philanthropists
+of the age.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CHAPTER VII.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Social War.&mdash;Longbow, Turtle &amp; Co.&mdash;Bird, Swipes, Beagle &amp;
+Co.&mdash;Mrs. Bird.&mdash;Mrs. Beagle.&mdash;Mrs. Swipes&mdash;Turkey and
+Aristocracy.&mdash;Scandal.&mdash;Husking-bees, and "such like."&mdash;The
+Calathumpian Band.&mdash;The Horse-fiddle.&mdash;The Giant
+Trombone.&mdash;The Gyastacutas.&mdash;Tuning up.&mdash;Unparalleled
+Effort.&mdash;Puddleford still a representative Place.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>I have taken the liberty, in the preceding chapters, to speak freely of
+some of the leading characters of Puddleford. I have alluded to Longbow,
+Turtle, and Bigelow, not because they were the only people of the village,
+or the best; but because they were the rudder of society, and steered it
+along in the same way that ships are guided over stormy waters. Now, there
+were a great many more very excellent folks, who helped chink in and fill
+up around these more important personages, and make up an harmonious whole.
+Zeke Bird, the blacksmith, was one; Tom Beagle, the shoemaker, another; Lem
+Swipes, the tailor, still another. These men were among the first settlers
+of Puddleford, and had done as much towards its up-building as any other.
+They had immigrated from a place in Ohio, and consequently knew something
+about the world. All three families were cousins, or second cousins, to one
+another, and they acted in unison upon any public or social question.</p>
+
+<p>They hated, with a supreme hatred, Longbow, Turtle<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span> &amp; Co., because they
+were "aristocrats." Mrs. Bird, who was a very impulsive, peak-nosed sort of
+a woman, and who always wore a red flannel petticoat protruding beyond her
+dress, and her shoes slip-shod, used to often say, "that if there was
+anything she did despise it was a stick-up. She didn't believe old Mrs.
+Longbow, or any of her darters, were any better than common folks; and
+she'd see the whole pack on 'em pumpin' lightning at two cents a clap,
+before she'd skrouch to 'em!"</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Beagle was quite a different body. She was not so full of fire and
+fury as Mrs. Bird. She didn't allow her feelings to get the advantage of
+her malice. She moved more underground; yet she was always busy pecking
+away at that "up-street clique," as she called them.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Beagle was a neat, tidy body, and wore an air of great sincerity about
+her face. She used to say that "nothing grieved her <i>so much</i> as to be
+compelled to believe anything bad 'bout her neighbors," and that "she never
+spoke of nothing till it got all over, and there warn't no use of holding
+in any longer." She made it her business to watch the morals and religion
+of all the Longbows, and Turtleses, and Bateses, and report accordingly.
+She said "she didn't know but it was all right for a member of the
+Methodist church, like Miss Lavinia Turtle, to wear three bows to her
+bonnet on Sunday&mdash;she didn't <i>know</i>&mdash;she warn't going to say&mdash;'haps she
+hadn't orter say&mdash;but the way <i>she</i> looked at religion, 'twas as wicked as
+Cain&mdash;for herself, she made no pretensions, but when folks did, she wanted
+to see 'em lived up to." She said, "she meant to have Mrs. Bates turned out
+of the church for riding out on Sunday, for she'd seen her several times
+with her own eyes, six<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span> miles from town; but she wouldn't speak of it, if
+it warn't such a scandal on her profession;" besides, she had it from good
+authority, that "she water'd her milk 'fore she sold it, but she wouldn't
+say who told her, 'cause she promised not to."</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Swipes was a fat, blouzy-faced, coarse, ignorant woman, and revenged
+herself by firing bombshells into the aristocratic camp every opportunity
+she could get, and cared but little what she said, or whom she hit, if she
+could only keep the enemy stirred up. "She'd heard that Mrs. Longbow's
+father got into jail once down in Pennsylvania, and that the hull batch on
+'em were as poor as Job's turkey; and that the old Squire himself had a
+pretty tight nip on't; but his friends bailed him out, and he lean'd for
+the west. As for Mrs. Bates, she <i>knew</i> she'd lie, right flat out&mdash;she'd
+catch'd her dozens of times; and, of course, Lavinia couldn't be any
+better&mdash;for as the old cock crows, the young one learns. She wouldn't swap
+characters with any on 'em, not she."</p>
+
+<p>The husbands of these ladies thought just about as much of Longbow &amp; Co. as
+their wives did. They were an indolent trio, and labored only enough to
+keep soul and body together. The rest of their time was devoted to the
+"Eagle tavern," street-lounging, and commentaries upon the daily
+developments of the aristocracy. Each one of the families of these cliques
+were social centres, around which others revolved, and drew all their light
+and heat. And then there were still other families, away down below the
+Birds and Beagles in the scale of respectability, who were ever warring
+upon <i>them</i>, proving</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"That fleas have other fleas to bite 'em,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And so on, <i>ad infinitum</i>."<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<p>I recollect attending a party, one evening during the winter, at Bird's,
+when the aristocracy took a regular broadside fire. It seemed that Longbow,
+some days previous, had a turkey on his table for dinner, which roused up
+all the wrath of his adversaries. Mrs. Bird said, "she really s'posed that
+he thought poor people couldn't have such things; but she'd let him know
+she'd lived on' turkeys before he ever know'd there was such a thing&mdash;and
+she had good sass with 'em too. Mrs. Longbow," she said, "cooked it for
+nothing in the world but to make her knuckle to her; but she'd never give
+in as long as <i>she</i> drew the breath of life&mdash;that she wouldn't!"</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Sonora Brown said, "that warn't all&mdash;Longbow had bo't a bran new
+carpet for down-stairs, and used sales-molasses for common, eenamost every
+day&mdash;and the clark in Clewes' grocery had got a goin' arter Lavinny every
+night&mdash;and Mrs. Longbow had got mift at Mrs. Weazel, because Weazel said he
+wouldn't stand any more of Longbow's decisions&mdash;and they'd got a burning
+sperm ile in the house instead-er taller&mdash;and they were a puttin' on the
+drefulest sight of airs, old woman and all, that ever was seen."</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Beagle said "it was all true about the ile&mdash;she see'd it burn through
+the winder&mdash;and she'd seen a great many more things through the winder&mdash;but
+she warn't a going to tell what they were!"</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Sonora Brown threw up her hands in horror, and said, "she had always
+suspected it, but darsn't say so."</p>
+
+<p>"O, shaw!" exclaimed Mrs. Beagle; "that's nothing to Bates' wife; she walks
+out arm-in-arm in broad daylight with her cousin that's been sneaking round
+there on a visit." She said, "Puddleford used to be a 'spectable<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span> village,
+but there warn't any morals any more since these high-flyers had got into
+it&mdash;and she guess'd Bates' wife was flaring out, and trading at the stores
+as much as Longbow."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Bird very grumly said, "he'd better hold in, for if he didn't <i>hist</i> a
+little note he had again' him 'fore long, he'd sue him to judgment, and
+<i>level</i> an execution on everything he had, and clean him out."</p>
+
+<p>A yellow-looking woman, who sat in the corner, and who had just before
+remarked that "she'd had the shakin' ager onto her all winter," wanted to
+know if "the new <i>mar</i>chant was going to jine the upper crust, or be one of
+our folks."</p>
+
+<p>It was not long, however, before all were rattling away together, so that
+nothing but the emphatic words could be distinguished. Artillery,
+fire-arms, and all, were blazing. Such a scorching as the aristocracy
+received had hardly ever been equalled.</p>
+
+<p>Longbow &amp; Co. did not care for their enemies. They rather felt proud of the
+notice bestowed upon them. Ike Turtle used to say, "'twas fun to stand and
+take the fire of fools;" but Squire Longbow's dignity was so profound, that
+he never permitted himself to know that there was really any war going on.</p>
+
+<p>Society in the country, among the farmers, was quite another thing.
+Puddleford village <i>had</i> a country, and village pride looked down upon it,
+just as it does in larger places. The amusements and frolics of the country
+were more simple and hearty. In the winter, husking-bees, apple-parings,
+and house-warmings were held every week at some of the farm-houses. Great
+piles of corn were stacked up in barn, the girls and boys invited<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span> in for
+miles around, long poles run through strung with lanterns, and the husking
+rushed through, 'mid songs and jokes. Then all hands adjourned to the
+house, and drank "hot stuff," ate nuts, and played games, and stormed
+around, until they started the very shingles on the roof; while the great
+fireplace, piled up with logs into the very throat of the chimney, shook
+its shadows around the room in defiance of the winds that roared without.</p>
+
+<p>Now and then the country quality held a regular blow-out at Bulliphant's
+tavern. On these occasions, dancing commenced at two in the afternoon, and
+ended at daylight next morning. Dry goods and perfumery suffered about
+those days. The girls and boys dressed their hair with oil of cinnamon and
+wintergreen, and the Eagle smelt like an essence shop. It fairly
+overpowered the stench of Bulliphant's whiskey-bottles. Every one rigged
+out to within an inch of their lives. The girls wore ruffles on their
+pantalets frizzled down over their shoes, nearly concealing the whole foot;
+and all kinds and colors of ribbons streamed from their heads and waists.
+The "boys" mounted shirt-collars without regard to expense, and flaunted
+out their brass breast-pins, two or more to each, with several feet of
+watch-chain jingling in front. The landlord of the Eagle termed these
+gatherings his "winter harvest."</p>
+
+<p>Another amusement, frequent in the country, was the turnout of the
+"Calathumpian Band." The band, I am aware, did not originate with
+Puddleford. Newly-married couples were serenaded before it ever had an
+existence there. But <i>this</i> band was one of the very finest specimens. No
+one knew exactly who its members were;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span> but they were always on hand, soon
+after a wedding, in full uniform, with all their instruments in order. It
+was organized when the country was very new, and was, at the period I refer
+to, in the highest state of prosperity.</p>
+
+<p>One of its instruments was called the "horse-fiddle;" another the "giant
+trombone;" another the "<i>gyastacutas</i>." The "horse-fiddle" was two enormous
+bows, made of hoops, heavily stringed and rosined, with a beef-bladder,
+fully inflated, pushed between the string and the bow. The "great trombone"
+was a dry goods box, turned bottom-side up, and was played upon with a
+scantling eight or ten feet long. The edge of the box and the scantling
+were rosined, and it was worked by two men sawing up and down. The
+"gyastacutas" was a nail keg, with a raw hide strained over it, like a
+drum-head, and inside of the keg, attached to the centre of this drum-head,
+a string hung, with which this instrument was worked by pulling in the
+string and "let fly."</p>
+
+<p>Besides all these, the band were supplied with dinner horns, conch-shells,
+sleigh-bells, and sometimes guns and pistols.</p>
+
+<p>It assembled, usually about eleven o'clock at night, around the quarters of
+the newly-married couple, and within a day or two after marriage. Its
+members were dressed up like an army of scare-crows. Some wore their shirts
+outside, some their coats and vests buttoned behind, and some were attired
+in female dress. Its leader marched and countermarched this strange medley,
+and announced and conducted all the music. The band never moved without
+orders&mdash;it was thoroughly disciplined.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The instruments were first put in tune. The trombone gave out a low and
+heavy growl&mdash;the "gyastacutas," a bung! the horse-fiddle sullenly
+replied&mdash;a chink-chink from a few pairs of bells, and a toot-e-toot from
+the horns and shells, showed the blast was near at hand.</p>
+
+<p>And such a blast! The infernal regions could not equal it. It roared and
+echoed for miles around. It fairly tore out the inside of one's head. The
+cows bellowed and the dogs barked, honestly believing that the dissolution
+of all things was at hand. The whole surrounding population roused up, for
+no person pretended to sleep when the Great Calathumpian Band was
+assembled.</p>
+
+<p>The reader must not suppose that this band was a mere congregation of boys.
+Not by any means; it was one of the institutions of the country&mdash;one of the
+public amusements of the day, and was patronized by young and old. Men had
+lived and died members of the Calathumpian Band, and are remembered in
+Puddleford for this, if nothing else.</p>
+
+<p>It is said that the songs and the amusements of a people determine their
+character. If this be true, the reader can judge something of the country
+population about Puddleford from the little sketch I have given of them.
+The amusements of the villagers themselves were quite miscellaneous. The
+"aristocracy," as Bird &amp; Co. termed them, gathered every night at the
+Eagle, where they played cards, checkers, backgammon, made bets, discussed
+the affairs of the nation and the private affairs of their neighbors, drank
+a little whiskey, and went home at eleven or twelve o'clock deeply
+impressed with their own importance. Bulliphant's bar-room was their
+centre<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span> of gravity, and it was a matter of deep concern, if any member of
+the club was not found in his accustomed place. Longbow, Turtle, and Bates
+had actually unseated several pairs of pantaloons on the landlord's chairs,
+which proved clearly enough that <i>they</i> were faithful members.</p>
+
+<p>Important business was transacted by this club. It made all the justices of
+the peace, constables, school inspectors, &amp;c., &amp;c., and was a controlling
+clique, in all political matters, within the township.</p>
+
+<p>The reader discerns that Puddleford, in most respects, was like other
+places. It had its divisions in society, its importance, its pomp and show,
+and relatively speaking, its aristocracy. It played through the same farce
+in a small way that larger places do on a more extended plan. Longbow felt
+just as omnipotent, walking up and down the streets of Puddleford, as the
+tallest grandee treading a city pavement. The scale of greatness was not as
+long in his village, but he stood as high on it as any other man in the
+world on his&mdash;and so long as he headed his own scale, it mattered but
+little to him where the "rest of mankind" were.</p>
+
+<p>It must have been a very remarkable character who once said, "human nature
+is always the same"&mdash;that the only difference in human pride and folly is
+one of degree. And I really hope there are none of my readers who feel
+disposed to look down upon Puddleford with contempt, because I have
+presented a few personages who have innocently caricatured what others
+daily practise, who have been polished in the very laboratory of fashion.
+Puddleford ought not, for that reason, to be condemned.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>It seems to me that it may, on the contrary, be a lesson to such, <i>because</i>
+it makes a burlesque of itself in chasing folly. Puddleford is a great
+looking-glass, which reflects the faces of almost every person who looks
+into it, and proves, what that remarkable character said, "that human
+nature is always the same."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CHAPTER VIII.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Puddleford and Politics.&mdash;Higgins against Wiggins.&mdash;The
+Candidates' Personale.&mdash;Their Platforms.&mdash;Delicate
+Questions.&mdash;Stump Speaking.&mdash;Wiggins on
+Higgins.&mdash;Impertinent Interruptions.&mdash;Higgins on
+Wiggins.&mdash;Ike Turtle not dead yet.&mdash;Commotion.&mdash;Squire
+Longbow restores Order.&mdash;Grand Stroke of Policy.&mdash;The Roast
+Ox at Gillett's Corners.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>Puddleford was famous for its political excitements, and so indeed is a new
+country generally. Its people watched the altar of liberty with an "eternal
+vigilance." The qualifications of all persons, from a candidate for the
+presidency down to township constable, were thoroughly canvassed by the
+electors. What might be a qualification for office in Puddleford, might
+disqualify in another region, but we cannot expect that all men will think
+alike. We must not forget that office meant something in Puddleford&mdash;that
+it conferred honor on the man, whether the man conferred honor on it or
+not. A highway commissioner, or overseer of the poor, was a character
+looked up to, and a supervisor or justice were the oracles of their
+neighborhood.</p>
+
+<p>The merits and demerits of candidates were freely discussed at public
+meetings, held most usually in the open air, and composed of all parties.
+Aspirants for public favor, who were opposed to each other, met and made
+and answered arguments. All things in the "heavens<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span> above and the earth
+beneath," were raked up and presented at these gatherings. The creation of
+the world&mdash;Adam and Eve&mdash;Cain&mdash;Jerusalem&mdash;Greece and Rome&mdash;the revolution,
+and the last war, were dragged into speeches, and made material for
+electioneering.</p>
+
+<p>In the fall, subsequently to my settlement, Higgins ran against Wiggins for
+member of the legislature. It was said that this was one of the most
+exciting contests that Puddleford ever experienced. Every man, woman, and
+child were enlisted. The "Higgins" men didn't speak to the "Wiggins" men,
+nor the "Wiggins" men to the "Higgins" men, for more than two months, and
+the opposing families absolutely refused to visit.</p>
+
+<p>Wiggins was a little, waspish man, who lived in the country, and was called
+a "forehanded" farmer. He had been a justice of the peace in Cattaraugus
+county, State of New York, and thought as much of himself as he did of any
+other person living. He had a small, withered face, which looked like a
+frost-bitten apple, red hair, and a quick, restless eye. He was a violent
+politician, a shrewd manager, had a keen insight of human nature, some
+humor; and was and always had been a red-hot democrat. He rafted lumber for
+several years on the Susquehanna, where he received the greater part of his
+education. He could write his name, and had been known to attempt a letter,
+but no one was ever yet found who could read his correspondence. His
+orthography was decidedly bad. He spelled in a sort of short-hand way,
+which was not so objectionable, after all, as his language usually conveyed
+the pronunciation of the words intended. "Il" was used for "ile" or "oil;"
+"hos" stood for "horse;" "kanderdit for ofis," for "candidate<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span> for office,"
+and so on. His extemporaneous speaking was quite tolerable, and it was this
+gift which <i>had</i> given him notoriety.</p>
+
+<p>Higgins was a man much after the sort of Wiggins, in many respects, though
+not altogether. He was a violent whig, and talked incessantly about his
+"glorious party." He was a large, tall, broad-breasted fellow, ignorant,
+cunning, and cut something of a swagger wherever he went. He drank whiskey,
+chewed a paper of fine-cut every day, read the newspapers, cursed the
+locofocos, prognosticated the downfall of the country, and pledged himself
+to die game, let what would happen.</p>
+
+<p>These candidates for office had a "platform," a part of which was intended
+for Puddleford, and a part for their common country&mdash;some planks of which
+were thrown in merely to catch votes, and some for future fame. Wiggins
+said he was for "giving immortal man full swing inter all things, and
+letting his natur fly loose like the winds." He was "for driving the
+American eagle inter every land, whether she'd go or not." He was "for a
+railroad and canal straight thro' Puddleford, to be built by the state,
+under the penalty of a revolution." He was "agin rich men everywhere, for
+they trampled down the poor." He was "for upsetting Longbow and his clique,
+and declared he would bring in a bill, if elected, that would blow the
+whole set out of sight." He was for "easy times," "plenty of cash," "little
+or no work," "good crops," and everything else the people wanted.</p>
+
+<p>Higgins was for "breaking down, and scat'ring locofocos everywhere." He
+went "for everything that's right, and agin everything that's wrong." He
+was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span> for "beating Wiggins." He could "show that he hadn't patriotism enough
+to keep the breath warm in a four year old child! there warn't a spark of
+American glory in him. He wanted to sell out the whole country to the
+British, and would if elected! Besides, he kicked up a fuss in Bigelow's
+church, about the doctrines preached, and damaged religion." Higgins, it
+seemed to me, based his success upon the supposed unpopularity of Wiggins,
+and not upon any political principles of his own, while Wiggins relied upon
+the great fundamental truths that were shadowed forth in his platform.</p>
+
+<p>There were other questions which agitated the populace of Puddleford and
+its county, such as the sale of liquor, the removal of the Indians, &amp;c.,
+&amp;c., which both Higgins and Wiggins touched very tenderly, because it
+became necessary to advocate both sides, sometimes for and sometimes
+against, according to the views of those persons who happened at the time
+to be soliciting information.</p>
+
+<p>During the fall, I had the pleasure of hearing these two rival aspirants
+for office define their position before the people. The gathering was in a
+grove, very large for a new country, and made up of men, women, and
+children. Flags and inscriptions were flying here and there, some for
+Higgins and some for Wiggins, and every person was as brimful of patriotism
+as he could hold.</p>
+
+<p>Wiggins rose, and presented himself on a high platform that had been
+erected for the occasion, pulled up his collar, buttoned his coat, coughed
+a few times, and then took a leisurely survey of the crowd. "Feller
+citizens! men and women!" said he, "there is going<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span> to be an election, and
+I'm a-goin to run for office. Not that I care anything about the office
+itself, for I don't, a tinker's ladle, but I want to beat Higgins, who
+never ought to be trusted with the liberties of any people, and I'm willing
+to sacrifice something to do it. Feller citizens! I want to have you
+recollect where Higgins lives&mdash;at 'Satan's Half Acre!'&mdash;where they don't
+have any Fourth of July; no Sunday school, only about two months a year;
+and the same place, feller citizens, where they mobbed the temperance
+lecturer, and swore they'd drink streak-lightning if they were a-min-to!
+(Great applause, and cheers for Wiggins, mingled with oaths and hisses from
+Higgins' friends.) Feller citizens, Higgins is a leading man there, and
+accountable for all this; and if he is elected, we shall indorse all these
+doings."&mdash;A man from the "Half Acre," one of Higgins' friends, rose, and
+said he'd take the liberty of saying that was an "in<i>far</i>nal lie." Wiggins
+replied, by inquiring "if the meeting would see free discussion gagged
+down, here, in the presence of the immortal Washington, who, he hoped, was
+looking down on-to us!" whereupon the unfortunate man was pitched,
+headlong, out of the crowd. "Arter having looked at where Higgins lives,"
+continued Wiggins, "look at Higgins himself! what is he? what does he know?
+what can he do? Why, feller citizens, he was born down somewhere in a place
+so small, that it ain't on the map, and started life by tending a
+lime-kiln; but he broke down in this business, and was discharged. He next
+tried to go to school, but there warn't any class low down enough to get
+him into. He then tried hoss doct'ring; and you, feller citizens, know when
+a man turns<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span> out good-for-nothing, he goes rite into the larned
+professions. He tried hoss doct'ring! and, after laying out ten or a dozen
+of those noble animals inter the cold embrace of death (applause), he ran
+away to get rid of a summons that was clus arter him! Then he fiddled for a
+while winters, and laid off summers; then he druv stage, then he got-tor-be
+captain of a raft, his first office; but he stranded her, and she's never
+been got off yet. At last, he went to 'Satan's Half Acre,' where he thinks
+he ain't known, and actually, feller citizens, has the impudence to come up
+for office. (Great applause.)</p>
+
+<p>"Now," continued Wiggins, "having disposed of Higgins, I am going to launch
+out on the great political questions of the day&mdash;questions that swell up in
+me, and fairly make me tremble all over, to think on. We've a mighty sight
+to do, to take care of them liberties that was 'queathed to us by Gen'ral
+Washington, jest before he died. The old hero know'd he was a-going, but
+afore he went, he give us our liberty, and said all that he asked on us was
+to take care on it, and not let anybody steal or coax it away from us, but
+always hold on to it like a dog to a root. If it hadn't been for our
+party," exclaimed Wiggins, in a loud voice, "that great American eagle that
+has flew'd so long, and kivered our juvenil' years with his wings&mdash;that
+eagle, feller citizens, that sleeps on the ragin tornado, and warms himself
+in the sun&mdash;<i>that</i> eagle, I say&mdash;<i>that</i> eagle! eagle! would now be as dead
+as a smelt, lying on his back, a-groaning for help. (Great applause, and
+three cheers.) (Wiggins said he hoped the audience would hold in their
+manifestations of applause as much as they could, as it scattered his
+thoughts.) The fust whig," continued Wiggins, "that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span> we have any notis' on
+in his'try, is the old feller with tail and horns, who goes to and fro, up
+and down the airth; and he, you know, stole all-er Job's property, killed
+off his children, and came pretty near killing the old man himself. The
+next was John Adams, who didn't want anybody to come into the country, nor
+say nothing after they had got here. He, feller citizens, was for exploding
+all the glories of natur, and drying up the e<i>tar</i>nal fountains of hope and
+consolation&mdash;for turning man back again into the regions of confusion,
+where all is night and misery! (Very great applause, followed by a flight
+of hats in the air.) The next whig was everybody that supported old John,
+such as Higgins and his party.</p>
+
+<p>"Now, feller citizens, what's the reason you hain't got any more money?
+It's because the laws ain't right. Man was born to have enough of
+everything. This is a big world we live in&mdash;it ram'fys itself all round the
+'quator, and its mountains diversify themselves into infinity. You own your
+part on't just as much as the greatest nabob; and all you've got to do is
+to stand up to the rack, vote for true men, and you'll get it; and it's
+your duty to rise in your wrath, break the chains of oppression, and
+declare that you'll never lay down the sword until the last enemy is
+routed." (More applause.) Here a solemn-faced man rose, and asked Wiggins
+to define himself on the "licker question." "Thank you, sir," replied
+Wiggins&mdash;"was just comin' to that." "The licker question&mdash;the licker
+question," continued Wiggins, speaking with gravity, for there was a great
+division of opinion among his hearers on that subject&mdash;"the licker
+question, feller citizens, is a <i>great</i> question.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span> Some people drink, some
+don't&mdash;some drink a little, some a good deal. The licker question is a
+question that a great many folks talk about. <i>I</i> talk about it myself, and"
+(the same man rose again, and ask'd Wiggins if he would "vote agin licker?"
+Wiggins said "it throw'd him off his balance, to be disturb'd in public
+speaking")&mdash;"everybody know'd how he stood on that pint&mdash;he'd never
+chang'd; he stood where his forefathers did; he went the whole hog on the
+licker question"&mdash;("Which side?" inquired the man.) "Which side? which
+side?" ejaculated Wiggins: "do you wanter trammel up a free and
+in<i>der</i>pendent citizen of this mighty republic! How do I know, <i>here</i>, what
+I shall be called upon to vote <i>for</i> or <i>agin</i>! Ask me to say I'll vote
+agin something that hain't come up yet! When David knocked over the great
+giant Goliah, do you 'spose he knew just where he'd throw the stone to hit
+him." "Yes-sir-ee," exclaimed Higgins, springing on his feet "he did that
+very thing." Wiggins "hoped order would be preserved. I shall leave to the
+expansive development of the times," continued Wiggins, his arms flying
+like a windmill, "the blazing energies of the day, and cling to the
+constitution till it goes out inter the expiring regions of oblivion."
+(Three cheers were given.)</p>
+
+<p>Wiggins sat down, evidently quite exhausted; and I noticed that he had made
+a decided impression. Higgins rose, stripped off his coat and vest, rolled
+up his shirt-sleeve, stuffed a quarter-paper of tobacco into his cheek, and
+"ascended the platform." He said he was a humble citizen, and warn't com'd
+of rich or larned folks&mdash;he <i>had</i> tended lime-kiln&mdash;he <i>had</i> doctor'd
+hosses&mdash;he <i>had</i> druv stage; and he was goin' to drive and doctor<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span> a
+jackass. (Much cheering.) He had always <i>worked</i> for his living. He'd give
+five dollars to any man who'd tell him where Wiggins <i>was</i> born, or show
+that he ever did anything. <i>He</i> lived on the sweat, and the blood, and the
+brains of the people. He'd tended grocery, peddled calickers, try'd to talk
+law once, and was now on a farm, just for appearance' sake. For himself, he
+was a humble link in the great whig chain. (Ike Turtle said he s'posed he
+was that link called the <i>swivel</i>.) Higgins, with an affected pleasantry,
+asked Turtle "how long it was since he run'd away from the State of New
+York, for debt?" Turtle replied, that "Wiggins ought to know, for he was
+along with him"&mdash;whereupon a tremendous shout was raised in favor of
+Turtle. Higgins rallied and proceeded. He said "he warn't goin' to talk
+about the devil, and John Adams&mdash;he didn't know nothing about either on
+'em&mdash;it was entirely agin his religion to speak of such things before such
+a 'spectable audience. (Some sensation.) What he wanted to do was, to carry
+the great, <i>etar</i>-nal, glorious principles of his party rite strait inter
+every mortal being, and save the country, which now lies bleeding at its
+last gasp." (Ike asked Higgins to "throw him down a bundle of them
+principles, and if they suited him, he'd take a few.")</p>
+
+<p>Somebody told Turtle to sit down, whereupon Turtle appealed to the crowd,
+and inquired if they'd see a citizen gagged down. ("No! no!" was the
+reply.)</p>
+
+<p>Higgins went on. He said Wiggins warn't so near straight on the licker
+question as his yaller dog at hum, for his dog never got drunk, and Wiggins
+did, sometimes. ("That's a lie!" exclaimed Wiggins.) "Of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span> course he'll deny
+it, feller citizens&mdash;I would, if I was in his place&mdash;but I, feller
+citizens, without fear of man, not caring about an election, step forth,
+and say to you all, in the full blaze of day, that <i>I'll do all for the
+cause that lies in my power</i>, having in view the interests of everybody in
+this republic." (Applause.)</p>
+
+<p>Higgins said that "he was sorry to see such a man as Wiggins trying to
+quote scripter to this audience&mdash;a man, feller citizens, is Wiggins&mdash;who
+don't know whether David was the son of Goliah, or Goliah the son of
+David&mdash;a man who don't know whether Paul wrote the book of Genesis, or
+Genesis the book of Paul&mdash;a swearin' man, feller citizens; and yet he talks
+about Goliah throwing stones at David. (Wiggins wished to correct
+Higgins&mdash;it was the other way&mdash;David threw the stone at Goliah.)
+Howsomever," continued Higgins, "he talks about the stones <i>bein' thrown</i>,
+and uses the scripters in this way; and arn't it a vile way, feller
+citizens, to catch your votes&mdash;to run himself into the legislater with,
+where he can knock over the liberties of the country, and make the green
+fields a howlin' waste again!" (This was followed by very great applause.)</p>
+
+<p>After the applause ceased, Ike Turtle rose with gravity, and reaching forth
+a bottle towards Higgins, inquired if "he wouldn't <i>have a little</i>, as
+natur couldn't bear up long under such rackin' thoughts."</p>
+
+<p>Higgins said he didn't believe this free and highly moral and religus
+audience would long stand a party who'd throw a jug of licker inter their
+faces.</p>
+
+<p>Turtle replied that it was a mere experiment. He bro't it on pur<i>pos</i> to
+see if there was <i>any</i> place where Wiggins <i>wouldn't</i> drink. (This raised a
+shout.)<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Wiggins retorted by saying that "he never had made a walking grocery of
+himself." (Much laughter.)</p>
+
+<p>Turtle "didn't know about that&mdash;if he did he carried it <i>inside</i>." The
+whole meeting finally got into a commotion, each party taking sides. Squire
+Longbow set up a hue and cry, "In the name of the people of &mdash;&mdash;," and
+order was restored. I heard him say, after the crowd had become quiet,
+"that the constitution guaranteed talking, and altho' he was on t'other
+side in politics, he must say, as a magistrate, that it guaranteed Higgins
+the floor, as the great Story decided in his chapter on rows and mobs."</p>
+
+<p>Higgins bowed to Squire Longbow, and proceeded. "I'm not goin' to say much
+more, and, finally, feller citizens," he continued, "I won't say any more.
+The audience is <i>so</i> intelligent, understand so well all the principles of
+gov'ment, from Noah's family that sailed inter the ark, down to the
+remotest possibility of futer gen'rations&mdash;have so weigh'd everything
+'longing to 'em, before the morning stars sang, and dirgested it by
+piece-meal&mdash;that it would be an everlasting insult for <i>me</i> to attempt to
+talk furder&mdash;and in conclusion I will say: Three cheers for the dying
+heroes who got our freedom, and who now lie a-sleeping on the shores of
+glory!" (Tremendous applause, accompanied by cheers and swinging of hats.)</p>
+
+<p>I have given, I believe, the substance of the first two speeches, but these
+were only introductory to those that followed. It was expected, when the
+meeting opened, that the speaking would occupy most of the day, and the
+specimens which I have reported were merely straws thrown out to determine
+which way the wind blew. The<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span> real questions at issue were dexterously
+dodged by sallies of wit and flights of unmeaning bombast.</p>
+
+<p>Wiggins mounted the stand again, and spoke for an hour. He told a large
+number of humorous stories, and turned their point against Higgins&mdash;then he
+sailed away into the clouds astride a burst of nonsense&mdash;then he came down
+again. At one time, while Wiggins was "cavorting in the upper regions," as
+Turtle called it, Sile Bates, who was a whig, started to his feet, and
+placing his closed hand to one eye, and cocking the other, he stared away
+after him, as earnestly as if he were just passing out of sight. Higgins
+followed, and the speaking was kept up, alternately, until about four
+o'clock in the afternoon, when the meeting closed, without either Higgins
+or Wiggins defining their position, or saying one word indicative of their
+future political course.</p>
+
+<p>Just as the meeting closed, Ike Turtle, who was the real political manager
+on the part of the democratic party, rushed up to the speakers' stand, and
+swinging his hat round, cried out at the top of his lungs, "Feller
+citizens! The democratic party, knowin' that the speaking would last a good
+while, and that natur might become exhausted in listenin' and 'tendin' to
+the duties of our common country, have prepared a roasted ox, down at
+'Gillett's Corners' with all the fixins, where we want you all to go, whigs
+and democrats, both Higgins and Wiggins, and particularly the ladies, who
+have turned out so nobly&mdash;and the young folks can have a dance in the
+evenin' if they wish."</p>
+
+<p>Here was a stroke of management worth all the speeches of the day. No one
+suspected that there was a dinner in preparation, and when Ike made the
+announcement,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span> there was a shout that came from the heart, and made the
+woods ring. And the meeting adjourned to "Gillett's Corners."</p>
+
+<p>Several other public political gatherings were held, and a very large
+amount of breath, time, and eloquence were expended; but the result was the
+election of Wiggins by a tremendous majority, and I do not now recollect of
+hearing of an allusion, by him, in the legislature, to any of those
+"leading measures" that occupied his thoughts on the "stump."</p>
+
+<p>I believe, after all, that the country was very well represented. Wiggins
+used about as much gas and deception in securing his seat as a New York
+politician, but not any more; but after he had obtained it, he felt and
+acted like a representative of the people, who had a reputation of his own
+to sustain. When I say "well represented," I mean that <i>he did no
+harm</i>&mdash;nor any good either&mdash;but always voted right on party questions,
+because his name began with W, and was nearly the last called&mdash;if it had
+begun with A, he would have ruined himself, and perhaps his country&mdash;so
+true it is that a man's fame or infamy may hang by a single thread.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CHAPTER IX.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Winter upon us.&mdash;The Roosters in the early Morning.&mdash;The
+Blue-Jays and the Squirrels.&mdash;The Improvident Turkey.&mdash;The
+Domestic Hearth, and who occupied it.&mdash;The Old Dog.&mdash;The
+Blessed Old Mail-Horse.&mdash;The Newspapers.&mdash;Our
+Come-to-Tea.&mdash;Mrs. Brown, her Arrival and
+Experiences.&mdash;Entr&eacute;e of Bird, Beagles &amp; Co.&mdash;Conflicting
+Elements, and how Ike Turtle assimilated all.&mdash;Gratifying
+Consequences.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>My little family, that I have spoken of, were quietly nestled away in the
+log hut, and winter was now upon us. The days came and went, and were
+marked by light and darkness, and our own domestic joys. There were no
+startling events to disturb any person's serenity&mdash;no rise or fall of
+stocks&mdash;no fires&mdash;no crashes in business&mdash;no downfall of pride&mdash;no bustle
+in the streets about the latest news&mdash;no nothing. The world moved on as
+monotonous as the tick-tick of a clock.</p>
+
+<p>The gray of each morning was first heralded by a famous rooster, which I
+had imported from the east. He blew his clarion voice at about four, and I
+used to lie and hear its echoes wander away off through the streets of
+Puddleford, until they finally expired in the wilderness. He was usually
+answered by some half-awakened cock, whose drowsy, smothered crow was quite
+ludicrous. Then he would give another blast&mdash;and get, usually, a snappish
+answer from some quarter, saying as well as it could<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span> be said&mdash;"Well, I
+know it&mdash;what of it?" Pretty soon, a braggadocio fellow would belch forth
+in a coarse, sullen strain&mdash;"I've been-up-these-<i>two</i>-hours." This was
+followed, often, by the cracked voice of some nervous old fellow, away in
+another direction, declaring, "I rather guess you <i>h&mdash;a&mdash;i&mdash;n&mdash;t</i>." And so
+one after another, strain was added to strain, until the whole orchestra
+were blowing their horns in the face of opening day.</p>
+
+<p>At sunrise, the blue-jays and other birds gathered about the door and
+garden, to pick the dry seeds that the weeds were shedding on the earth.
+What are snow birds? Where do they live? See them chirping in yonder ray of
+sunlight&mdash;darting hither and thither, like motes in a beam of light. See
+them go whirling through the tempest, like angel spirits, beautiful in the
+very midst of the storm. What are they? Do they sleep on the wings of the
+wind, or hide themselves in a scroll of snow? How is it that these little
+singing harps live on amid such dreary scenes? The blue-jays, however, were
+very petulant. Their gorgeous summer plumage was exceedingly mussed, and
+they went about from bush to bush, and tree to tree, screaming and fretting
+at each other and themselves. They acted like so many Siberian prisoners,
+who were forced to brave the blasts as the penalty of some crime they had
+committed.</p>
+
+<p>Sometimes, a keen, frosty night would be succeeded by a still, sunny day,
+when the eaves pattered their sleepy music, and the cows strayed away into
+the forest, as though they smelt approaching spring&mdash;when the cats flew out
+of the house, and chased each other up into the trees, and the dog went
+away by himself, wandering along the river-banks for reasons known only to
+himself.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>These were visiting days, holidays, jubilee days, for those animals that
+were housed in trees, and burrowed in the earth. Go forth into the woods.
+You may, on such a day, see the squirrel push out his head from the door of
+his castle, where he has been confined for a month, and cautiously look
+over the landscape&mdash;then dart in again. Soon he pushes himself out farther,
+and farther, and timidly glides down to the foot of the tree. Then he tries
+the snow, and then again, and finally goes cantering to the nearest stump,
+and chirruping, up he goes with a flirt, throws his tail over his back,
+sits down, and breaks forth into a burst of song.</p>
+
+<p>Do you believe that squirrel remembers his last summer rambles in those
+woods&mdash;yon rivulet where he drank, now sleeping beneath its silver
+frost-work, and chanting its low, muffled dirge&mdash;yon icy knoll, that stood,
+last June, a pyramid of flowers&mdash;yon hickory where he harvested his nuts?
+Is his song for the present or the past?</p>
+
+<p>Look a little farther&mdash;the solemn tread of the turkey&mdash;who is busy
+disinterring some of the buried mast of autumn. Such a day is a bright page
+in the winter life of the turkey. She comes forth from beneath the roots of
+upturned trees, from thickets or hollow logs, where she has been so long
+cowering and starving, to hail the blessed warmth. She dreamed away the
+summer, stalking about from wood to stream, and stream to wood&mdash;she passed
+the provident squirrel often, in October, and saw him roll in his winter
+stores, but she didn't know why; and now she is shovelling the snow,
+scattering it right and left with her feet, with a melancholy twit! twit!
+to get a kernel of bread.</p>
+
+<p>Farther on is a little gorge sloping up from the brook,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span> and on such days
+the snows melt off, and the banks grow warm, and the green grass shines as
+brightly as it did in May. It is soft and spring-like <i>there</i>. The sunbeams
+seem to be all tangled together in that spot. There are clusters of winter
+birds sporting in this temple, and occasionally one breaks forth with a
+note or two of her last June's song, as though she were just twanging her
+harp to try its strings. They think those tangled sunbeams are the footfall
+of April, and so they chirrup, and flutter, and bow to them, and seem to
+ask where gentle May is, and when she is coming with her music and flowers.</p>
+
+<p>Sometimes the fog from the river would freeze upon the trees during a
+night, and the sun would rise upon a forest all burst out into a white
+bloom. As the sun rose higher, the little particles glittered and flashed,
+and then it was a forest of silver&mdash;every shrub, every bush, every tree,
+was silver. The woods were a frozen poem&mdash;written in a night by invisible
+fingers, to be read for an hour or two, and then scattered away in shining
+scales, forever. These natural changes and beauties were all that there
+were to attract attention, and arrest our out-door thoughts. How different
+is all this from the life of a resident of some large city&mdash;where the life
+of a man is read in the street&mdash;and where each day shifts its pictures with
+its revolution, like the changing colors of a kaleidoscope!</p>
+
+<p>In-doors, however, was the domestic hearth. There were joys there that knew
+no winter. Wife and children&mdash;how many? I said <i>three</i>&mdash;but were there not
+more? There was the babe, the creeping infant, the tottering child, in
+each. The portraits of half a dozen children were daguerreotyped on my soul
+as I looked at one. But a part were dead!&mdash;the babe had died in the infant,
+and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span> the infant in the child&mdash;not died, either, but one grace had faded
+into another, one beauty had risen upon the ruins of another, until the
+child was born where the infant perished, we know not when nor how. Instead
+of two, I always felt that I had a family of little ones about me.</p>
+
+<p>And then, that old dog that had been with us for years, and shared our
+fortunes and misfortunes, always the same, under all circumstances&mdash;he was
+one of the family. He used to pioneer the children a half a mile to school,
+and wag his tail, and bid them "good morning," as he left them at the door.
+He was also there in waiting, at night, to escort them home again. He used
+to walk around, over the farm, and examine this thing and that, as though
+he was half proprietor of the premises. He used to sleep during the long
+winter evenings by the fire, his nose between his fore paws, his hind legs
+stretched out full length, and dream of scouring the woods&mdash;first a tremor!
+then a twitch! then a bark, and a leap! and looking up, and finding all a
+sham, away he would walk under the table, overwhelmed with mortification.</p>
+
+<p>This dog never made any acquaintance among the Puddlefordians, nor <i>their</i>
+dogs. He always stood aloof on his dignity, and if either approached too
+near, warned them away with a low growl. He was a noble Newfoundland, and
+prided himself upon his ancestry.</p>
+
+<p>But there are little threads of beauty that penetrate every household,
+wherever it may be, and warm the heart. Those thoughts, and kind words, and
+remembrances, that fly back and forth, hundreds of miles, and keep the
+poorest hovel all a-glow. They are so many rays that converge there, and
+make a star. That sleepy old horse that brought in the mail once a week was
+a <i>blessed</i> old horse,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span> and bore upon his back treasures that far
+outweighed gold. That mail-bag, like all mail-bags, was full of
+passions&mdash;love, hatred, and revenge&mdash;all kinds of courtesy, civility,
+politeness, sycophancy&mdash;some coarseness and vulgarity, too; and when it
+burst, like a bomb, in the post-office, it covered some persons with a
+rainbow light, gave others a cold drench, overpowered still others, and
+turned many into so many raging madmen. The imprisoned conflicting elements
+that jogged along up hill and down dale, so cosily on that old horse's
+back, made strange work when they were let loose.</p>
+
+<p>Mail days were bright days in our calendar. They came only once a week&mdash;but
+that day always brought something. We then sat down, wife, children, and
+all, and posted up the books of the past. The letters brushed off the dust
+from the pictures of distant friends that were hanging in our souls&mdash;and
+those pictures talked. Some were sick; some were married; some had gone to
+one place, some to another. They were sailing on the great current of life
+as well as we. We were all together, yet apart; and these letters were only
+a shaking of hands across the flood that divided us&mdash;the shuttle that wove
+our passage into one.</p>
+
+<p>And then the newspapers were something more to us than ever before. The jar
+and roar of the world, like music, was softened and mellowed by distance.
+Advertisements grew valuable; and our little daughter Kate absolutely read
+a patent-medicine notice from end to end without smiling.</p>
+
+<p>During the winter, my wife made a little "come-to-tea" gathering, for the
+purpose, as she said, of getting "better acquainted with her neighbors." We
+were living,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span> as I have stated before, a little out of the village of
+Puddleford, and our opportunities for seeing its society were not very
+good. She invited Squire Longbow and wife (of course); Bates and wife;
+Turtle and wife; Mrs. Sonora Brown, Tom Beagle and his clique&mdash;in fact, it
+was got up "without distinction of party," as our house was neutral ground,
+never having thus far been the scene of a social fight. I set apart the day
+to attend to our guests.</p>
+
+<p>The first lady who made her appearance was Mrs. Sonora Brown, who had
+walked out from Puddleford alone, and who hove in sight, pursuant to her
+invitation to come to tea, at about two P. M.</p>
+
+<p>The snow was falling fast, and the wind quite rough, but Mrs. Sonora didn't
+mind that. She was covered with one of those plaid cloaks that were made
+twenty years ago, had on a pair of heavy brogan boots (sensible woman), a
+tight hood, and over that a red and white cotton handkerchief tied under
+her chin. The old lady sailed along through the gale as calmly and stately
+as a seventy-four. When she reached the door, she rapped and stamped, and
+gave a loud hawk, all of which she undoubtedly thought ought to announce
+her presence.</p>
+
+<p>My wife opened the door. "Well," exclaimed Sonora, "you see I've come,"
+giving her cloak a hearty shake, and scattering the snow about her.</p>
+
+<p>"Glad&mdash;very glad to see you," replied my wife.</p>
+
+<p>"I know'd you would be&mdash;that's just what I told 'em," continued Sonora;
+"you ain't so dreadfully stuck up out here as some folks tries to make
+believe, arter all."</p>
+
+<p>"We are like most other people, I suppose," said my wife.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Sonora took off her hood, when her eyes fell upon me. "So, this your man?
+I'd hearn tell on him, but never see'd him afore, near by&mdash;and there are
+the children! and that is your big looking-glass they tell'd about! The
+dear massy on us," she exclaimed, "how nice!"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, Mrs. Brown," said I, "you must recollect me: I was a juryman on the
+trial between Filkins and Beadle."</p>
+
+<p>"Come to take a good look at you, and so you was; but I was so frustered
+that day that I didn't know which eend I stood on. How pesky sassy them
+'turneys-at-la' are!" continued Mrs. Brown, as she seated herself in the
+big rocking-chair.</p>
+
+<p>"Mrs. Brown, have you lived long in this country?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, bless your soul, yes! Didn't you know that? We come in from the 'Hio
+twenty years ago, and lived her 'fore there was anybody, nor nothing but
+bears and catamounts."</p>
+
+<p>"How, in the world, did you manage to get through the country twenty years
+ago?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, it <i>was</i> a pretty orful time," said the old lady; "it almost brings
+the tears into my eyes now to think on't. There was my husband and four
+children&mdash;Lem and Jim, and Molly and Bessy. Lem was about twenty, and Jim
+about fifteen, and Molly and Bessy ten and twelve; and we were all piled
+inter a big cover'd wagon, drawn by two yoke of cattle, with what little
+furniter we had; and in this kinder way we started for&mdash;I didn't know
+where."</p>
+
+<p>"Where did you eat and sleep?" inquired I.</p>
+
+<p>"We bunk'd in the wagon nights, and camp'd out to eat; and so we travelled
+for two months."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"But you got through all safe?" I said.</p>
+
+<p>"No, we didn't," said she, heaving a sigh; "little Bessy died" (she wiped
+away a tear); "she got the measles somewhere on the road; and everybody was
+afraid of catchin' on 'em; and nobody would come near us, and so we had to
+stop and take care of her in the wagon the best way we could. We done all
+we could think of, but she kept growin' worse and worse, 'till one mornin'
+she died."</p>
+
+<p>"She died!" I repeated, feeling sad.</p>
+
+<p>"And we had to bury her in a strange place&mdash;a high knoll in the woods by
+the road-side&mdash;and go away and leave her there alone. O, Mr. &mdash;&mdash;," she
+exclaimed, "I've dream'd a thousand times of that spot in the woods: what
+wouldn't I give if I could go and find it!"</p>
+
+<p>"What did you do when you first arrived here?" I inquired.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, it was all trees all over, everywhere, then. There warn't any
+houzens, nor any roads to travel on, nor no white folks but Venison Styles,
+and some other hunters who are gone away now; nor anything to live on; and
+nothin' to be heard nights but the varmints screamin'," said Mrs. Brown,
+laying down her knitting-work, and shoving up her spectacles with a
+convulsive twitch, for she was getting eloquent. "There warn't a pound of
+meat for fifty miles round&mdash;no pork for love nor money&mdash;and so we cut down
+a place, and built a log shanty, and liv'd on deer meat, for deers were as
+thick as hops all over."</p>
+
+<p>"And what then?" said I.</p>
+
+<p>"The next spring," she continued, "we cleared a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span> couple of acres, and put
+it into taters, turnips, beets, and all kind-er garden sass; and then we
+girdled the trees on ten or twelve acres more, and in the fall we put this
+inter wheat, and in a year or so we began to live."</p>
+
+<p>"And that large farm you live on, Mrs. Brown, is <i>the</i> spot you first
+settled? Where are your children now?"</p>
+
+<p>"They are round yet," said Sonora. "Jim teaches school, and spec'lates, and
+fiddles some, and <i>can</i> doctor if he likes. Jim is the only genus in our
+family: he's as smart as <i>litenin'</i>; Lem is more staid and sober-like. He
+allers took to hum chores, fod'ring cattle, and such like-er things. He
+married Squire Nolet's darter; and they are pretty big folks&mdash;got carpets
+in their bed-rooms, and all <i>over</i> the house&mdash;and he is now settled on a
+farm out on Horse-Neck Plains; and Jim is now doin' fust-rate."</p>
+
+<p>"What became of Molly?"</p>
+
+<p>"Molly made a bad go on't. She married a trav'ling singing-master&mdash;and I
+<i>do</i> suppose," she exclaimed, "he is one of the most good-for-<i>nothin'
+dogs</i> in the whole settlement. I don't see how in <i>airth</i> Molly ever took a
+notion to him: he hain't got no larnin'&mdash;he won't work&mdash;and <i>I</i> don't like
+his <i>singin'</i>. I don't see what such critters are made for." (The old lady
+heaved a long sigh.)</p>
+
+<p>There was a rap at the door, and Mrs. Bird, Mrs. Beagle, and Mrs. Snipes
+came in. These three ladies were inseparable. They visited together, and
+warred, as we have seen, upon the "up-street aristocracy" together. Mrs.
+Bird, who was, as I have stated, a great sozzle about home, was now decked
+out with as many ribbons and streamers as a Maypole. She had mounted on her
+back<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span> a most tremendous bustle, and she bowed, and bobbed, and twitched
+about, as she saluted my wife, with all the airs and friskiness of a young
+girl. Mrs. Beagle was quite reserved.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, bless you, Mrs. &mdash;&mdash;, how cold 'tis!" said Mrs. Bird. "My dear
+husband couldn't hardly think of lettin' me go out. Bird is <i>so</i>
+particular, and allers so scared for fear'd sunthin' will happen to me.
+'Wife,' said Bird to me one day&mdash;'wife,' sez he, 'you musn't go out with
+them are thin shoes on&mdash;'t'il be the death on you,' sez he. 'O, shaw!' sez
+I. 'Bird, you're allers bor'ring trouble.' 'No, I ain't, nother,' sez he.
+'Byme-by, you'll get a mortal sickness in your lungs, and it'll run you
+inter the inflammation, and then you're gone.' But I allers laughs at Bird
+when he talks so. Why, of all things," continued Mrs. Bird, looking round,
+if here ain't Mrs. Brown. "Are you well, Aunt Sonora, to-day?"</p>
+
+<p>"Pretty sorter," answered Mrs. Brown.</p>
+
+<p>"Hain't had the rheumatiz, nor shakin' ager, nor any of that buzzing in
+your head?"</p>
+
+<p>"None to speak on."</p>
+
+<p>"How is your old man, Mrs. Brown?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, he's gruntin' some&mdash;but so's to be about."</p>
+
+<p>"Did he catch that feller who ow'd him and run'd away?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not's I ever heerd on," replied Mrs. Brown.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, what a nice caliker you're got on, Mrs. Brown; was it one-and-three
+or one-and-six?"</p>
+
+<p>"I b'lieve it was somewher's <i>along</i> there," said Mrs. Brown.</p>
+
+<p>"It's jest like Charity Beadle's, only Charity had hers made up with the
+figur' runnin' down."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>About sundown, and in the midst of Mrs. Bird's conversation&mdash;for her tongue
+kept in full play&mdash;Squire Longbow and wife announced themselves by a rap.
+Their arrival spiked Mrs. Bird's battery. After making a cold, scornful,
+and exceedingly low and ironical bow to them, she retired one side with
+Mrs. Beadle and Mrs. Snipes.</p>
+
+<p>Squire Longbow had on his best rig&mdash;a suit of grayish homespun. His
+shirt-collar was unusually tall, and he had put a double bow-knot in his
+neckcloth of white cotton. The shade over his lost eye was very clean and
+bright. He really looked like a Justice.</p>
+
+<p>Longbow said he was glad to get out&mdash;that the business of justice was
+wearin' him to death.</p>
+
+<p>"Much on your mind, Squire, now?" I inquired.</p>
+
+<p>"All the time&mdash;all the time sunthin'. There's a pin't of law to be settled
+in that case 'tween Whippum against Snappett. Snappett's nigger man druv
+Snappett's cattle over Whippum's dog, and broke Whippum's leg&mdash;I mean
+Whippum's <i>dog's</i> leg; and Whippum's dog's goin' to die&mdash;a very valuable
+dog&mdash;cost Whippum six shillings last spring&mdash;good for cattle, hogs,
+anything&mdash;children thought a good deal on him; and so Whippum swore
+Snappett should pay for the dog, if he spent his farm to get it."</p>
+
+<p>"I declare," exclaimed I.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, he said it in my offis last week; but whether to sue Snappett or the
+nigger is the p'int. If we sue the nigger, he arn't good; if we sue
+Snappett, twarn't he that druv the oxen."</p>
+
+<p>"Join the nigger and the white man together in one suit," said I.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>T-h-u-n-der!</i>" exclaimed the Squire, looking wildly at<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span> me&mdash;"can't jine
+niggers and white men together by <i>our</i> constitution&mdash;Story's dead agin it.
+They'd come in on t'other side, and squash everything inter pieces."</p>
+
+<p>"Can it be possible?" said I.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes-sir-<i>ee</i>!" said the Squire; "they <i>would</i> that&mdash;and have me 'peal'd up
+to the higher courts in a jiffy.</p>
+
+<p>"And then," continued the Squire, "Tibbits and Jenkins have got inter
+trouble. Jenkins got mad at Tibbits 'bout somethin' a while ago, and so he
+went down to Tibbits' house, his gun on his shoulder, full-er wrath&mdash;and
+spyin' a favorit' cow of Tibbits in the barn-yard, jest drew up, and popped
+her over&mdash;Tibbits run'd out, grabbl'd the gun out of Jenkins' hand, and
+smashed it up fine on a tree&mdash;then they had a fight, and Jenkins bung'd up
+Tibbits, and Tibbits bung'd up Jenkins, so neither on 'em could see
+much&mdash;now Tibbits wants to bring suit for the value of his cow."</p>
+
+<p>"Do tell now if he does," exclaimed Aunt Sonora, who had been listening to
+the Squire's story; "I tell'd our folks at hum, yesterday, that I hadn't
+any doubt but Puddleford would be turned <i>en</i>side out 'bout that."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes!" continued the Squire, "Tibbits wants to bring suit&mdash;but I tell'd
+Tibbits that I wanted to know how much the cow was worth. 'Fourteen
+dollars,' said he. 'How much was the rifle worth?' ''Bout the same,' said
+he. 'Jest a set-off,' said I; 'the rifle pays for the cow, and the cow for
+the rifle.' Tibbits said that warn't la', and swore, and said I should
+issue the writ. I threatened to commit him for contempt. He said he'd get a
+<i>ramdamus</i> (mandamus) onter me, and there the matter stands."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said I, "you <i>do</i> have trouble, Squire&mdash;I'd resign."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Nobody to fill my place," said the Squire, pushing his arms down into his
+breeches pockets and stretching out his legs and throwing his eyes up to
+the ceiling&mdash;"nobody that understands the <i>staterts</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"There's Ike Turtle," said I.</p>
+
+<p>"Ike arn't cool enough&mdash;it takes a <i>cool</i> man for justis in these parts&mdash;a
+man that arn't afear'd of nothin'."</p>
+
+<p>"Just so," said I. Here was a rap, and Ike Turtle, Mr. and Mrs. Bates, and
+many others, entered.</p>
+
+<p>We had a house full nearly. The elements, as I have said, were not
+harmonious. The Birds, and Swipes, and Beagles, and their friends were
+huddled together by themselves in one part of the room, and Longbow and his
+friends in another. You might hear whispers and suppressed laughs, and Ohs!
+and Ahs! from the circle of Mrs. Bird, and side-looks and other
+manifestations of uneasiness.</p>
+
+<p>Ike Turtle, whose knowledge of human nature was equal to his humor, after
+eying the group a while, concluded to break into and scatter it, if
+possible. So turning around&mdash;"Mrs. Bird, you look un-<i>com</i>only well,
+to-day," he said.</p>
+
+<p>"Think I <i>do</i>," replied Mrs. Bird, pettishly.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, you look as fresh as a new-blown rose."</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Bird held down her head, and actually appeared confused. Soon she
+gathered courage to speak. "Why, Mr. Turtle, how can you think so? I'm an
+old woman."</p>
+
+<p>"Not so old, arter all," said Ike; "you've taken good care of your sperits
+and complexion."</p>
+
+<p>"Why, Mrs. Bird don't use <i>sperits</i>!" exclaimed Mrs. Brown, looking down
+over her spectacles, at Ike, with horror.</p>
+
+<p>"Not them kind," said Ike&mdash;"but her nat'ral sperits,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span> I mean. Now,"
+continued Ike, "here's Squire Longbow, past fifty, hearty as a buck,
+full-er fire, and can kick up his heels as high as his head&mdash;all owin' to
+his sperits. Don't you think so, Mrs. Bird?"</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Bird said she didn't know much about Squire Longbow.</p>
+
+<p>"O, nonsense now&mdash;yes, you do&mdash;liv'd neighbor to him in Puddleford these
+ten years or more. But if there's any doubt about it, I'll just introduce
+you. Squire Longbow," continued Ike, rising and pointing to Mrs.
+Bird&mdash;"Mrs. Bird&mdash;Mrs. Bird, Squire Longbow. And here's Mrs. Beagle and
+Mrs. Swipes&mdash;all of Puddleford&mdash;maybe you don't know 'em&mdash;all old
+residenters&mdash;come in when the country was new, and have cut their own
+fodder ever since."</p>
+
+<p>The Squire rose, bowed, and said&mdash;he "know'd 'em all, and was glad to meet
+'em looking so fust rate."</p>
+
+<p>"Now," said Ike, "I've introduced you, enjoy yourselves."</p>
+
+<p>This movement of Ike's broke the ice. The clique relaxed their brows, and
+conversation grew more general.</p>
+
+<p>"Is Lavinny at school this winter?" inquired Mrs. Beagles of the Squire.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, marm, she is&mdash;studying 'stronomy&mdash;got inter the fix'd stars last
+week&mdash;and will be onter Capercorn, byme-by."</p>
+
+<p>"Bless my soul!" exclaimed Aunt Sonora, her knitting-needles rattling with
+surprise, "how <i>did</i> she get out&mdash;got into the stars?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, marm," continued the Squire, "she larned herself inter 'em&mdash;and she
+knows all 'bout 'em&mdash;what they're there for&mdash;and who put 'em there&mdash;jest
+as<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span> much as though she'd lived six months on the spot. And then, Mrs.
+Beagle, she's up to her eyes in hist'ry. She talks 'bout the C&aelig;sars and
+'Gustuses jest as though she'd allers know'd 'em. Tells all about how
+Christopher Columbus came over with the Puritans and settled onter Plymouth
+rock, 'cause Richard Third, king-er Spain, got mad at 'em, 'cause they
+would kiss the Pope's toe."</p>
+
+<p>"Dear me suz, I wanter know," exclaimed Mrs. Brown again.</p>
+
+<p>"And then she's at the head in the gography class&mdash;she's draw'd a map of
+the Cannibal Islands&mdash;and on one on 'em, Capt'n Cook lies with his head
+off, crying for marcy&mdash;and she says, down onter the squator it don't never
+snow, nor nothin', and it's hotter than blue-blazes, in the winter&mdash;and
+when it thunders and litenins, it tears everything inter pieces&mdash;she's
+goin' ahead wonderfully, Mrs. Beagle."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, now, that <i>is satisfying</i>," said Mrs. Beagle. "It does one so much
+good to see one's children get larnin'!"</p>
+
+<p>"That's just what I tell'd Mr. Brown when Jim was first born," said Aunt
+Sonora. "I tell'd him the boy had genus, for there never was one of our
+family that didn't. 'But you've got-ter give him schooling,' said I, 'to
+bring it out.' And so he did&mdash;and you orter to have see'd how he run'd to
+books and newspapers. When he was fifteen, he tell'd the old man, as he
+called his father, he orter to go to district-school&mdash;(he was a wonderful
+boy; know'd everything, then)&mdash;that he was way ahind the age. Then he went
+off a roamin', a seekin' his fortin'&mdash;and when he com'd back, nobody would
+know'd him&mdash;he was <i>so</i> improved&mdash;he fling'd his legs onter to the stove,
+and smoked and chewed, and talk'd<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span> about furrin parts&mdash;and didn't take any
+notice of the old man&mdash;said how the old man didn't know nothin'&mdash;(warn't he
+genus, Squire Longbow?)&mdash;he wouldn't work any, because he said genuses
+never work'd&mdash;that they wouldn't be genuses if they did&mdash;he made the old
+man give him a fast horse, and a p'inter dog, and a gun, all kivered with
+silver plates, and then he rid, and hunted, and courted&mdash;(warn't he
+genus?)&mdash;he courted Squire Boson's darter, and Mr. Fogg's two darters, and
+all the gals in the western settlement, till he finally settled down, as I
+was tellin' Mr. &mdash;&mdash; a while ago, into jest as much of a genus as ever&mdash;the
+dear massy on us, what won't larnin' do?"</p>
+
+<p>"'S'prisin' boy," answered the Squire.</p>
+
+<p>The conversation ran on about everything, until Ike had really broken up
+the clique of Bird &amp; Co., and one would have thought there never had been a
+social war in Puddleford. There never lived a mortal, I believe, who could
+hold out against the humor of Ike Turtle. He magnetized all who came within
+his influence. He was shrewd, keen, far-seeing, full of good sense, and had
+a stock of fun that was positively inexhaustible. Ike, in reality, never
+cared about the antipathy of Bird, Beagle &amp; Co.&mdash;all their malice and
+slander had never "ruffled a feather," as he used to say. He was amusing
+<i>himself</i> in the experiments he had been making to bring the factions
+together; but he did not in fact care whether they ever came together or
+not.</p>
+
+<p>About nine o'clock in the evening, and after "supper," as Mrs. Sonora
+called it, had passed off, Ike inquired of me if my fiddle was in the
+house, as he intended to have Squire Longbow, Aunt Sonora, Mrs. Bird,
+Swipes, and "all hands," dancing before the company broke up.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The fiddle was produced&mdash;rather an asthmatic instrument&mdash;that strayed into
+the country among my lumber, and was somewhat out of order. Ike tinkered it
+up with his jack-knife, until it finally emitted a few strains of something
+like music. He then played "Over the Hills," "Fisher's Hornpipe," and
+several other lively airs, until old Squire Longbow unconsciously began to
+rap the time with his heels, and Mrs. Bird to grow quite nettlesome.</p>
+
+<p>Ike finally bowed himself up to Mrs. Bird, sawing away all the time on his
+fiddle&mdash;and declared that "nothing on airth would do him so much good as a
+country dance, and she must consent to walk straight out without wincing."
+Mrs. Bird looked pleased and provoked, by turns, but she finally took Ike's
+arm, and was duly placed on the floor. Squire Longbow and Mrs. Sonora were
+next hauled out by Ike; Mrs. Swipes and Sile Bates, and so on, until he had
+united (with the exception of Squire Longbow and partner) the most
+discordant elements of Puddleford.</p>
+
+<p>The dance opened, Ike himself fiddling, shuffling, and calling off. He and
+Mrs. Bird went down in the middle, up outside, and crossed over, Ike's feet
+playing all the while like drum-sticks to the music of "Fisher's Hornpipe,"
+which he was sawing off with inconceivable rapidity, while Mrs. Bird
+followed after him, panting and blowing, without much regard to time or
+tune.</p>
+
+<p>Squire Longbow and Mrs. Sonora trotted through their parts&mdash;Mrs. Sonora
+having declared, before she took the floor, "that she never was one of them
+are dancing critters, but she'd try and hobble through the figger the best
+she could."</p>
+
+<p>By and by the general "wind-up" came, when "all<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span> hands" went into it heart
+and soul. Ike's fiddle, and Ike's voice, and the pattering of feet, were
+all that was heard. "Right and left!" "Cross over!" "Don't run agin Mrs.
+Bird, Squire Longbow!" "A leetle faster, Mrs. Swipes!" "<i>Pardners</i> keep
+clus arter one another!" "Don't cave!" "Not quite so much cavortin' down
+thar!" exclaimed Ike, giving expression to his words with his bow, when at
+last he drew the whole to a close by a long, high squeak, and the company
+rushed to their seats puffing, and covered with perspiration.</p>
+
+<p>This movement of Ike's was a masterly performance. He had actually danced
+with Mrs. Bird, one of his bitterest enemies. He had melted the two hostile
+cliques of Puddleford into one. His flattery and music had accomplished
+this, and it was productive of lasting good, for the war from this time
+began to decline in Puddleford, and the hostile cliques were finally
+dissolved.</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps the reader is disposed to smile at my description of a Puddleford
+tea-party. Perhaps he thinks the ingenuousness of Aunt Sonora, the
+free-and-easy humor of Ike Turtle, the peevish jealousy of Mrs. Bird, are
+the fruit simply of what he terms "western vulgarity." Don't be too fast,
+my friend. You belong, perhaps, to a society that wears a mask&mdash;made up,
+nevertheless, of "envy, hatred, malice, and all uncharitableness." <i>Your</i>
+Mrs. Bird is just as jealous, but for another reason, and with this
+difference, too, that <i>she</i> can smile upon her bitterest enemy, when and
+where the rules of fashionable life demand it. You've got a Squire Longbow
+or two with you in all probability&mdash;not dressed in homespun, but
+"broadcloth"&mdash;one who has been favored by fortune,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span> and no god beside&mdash;one
+who hums and haws, and looks as wise and solemn as an owl, and to whom,
+perhaps, you unconsciously pay homage. We are all alike, dear reader&mdash;we
+look at your society through the telescope of education and refinement&mdash;at
+Puddleford, with the naked eye.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CHAPTER X.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Mrs. Longbow taken sick.&mdash;General Interest.&mdash;Dr.
+Teazle.&mdash;His Visit.&mdash;"The Rattles."&mdash;Scientific
+Diagnosis.&mdash;A Prescription.&mdash;Short and Dr. Dobbs.&mdash;"Pantod
+of the Heart."&mdash;Dismissal of Teazle.&mdash;Installation of
+Dobbs.&mdash;"Scyller and Charabides."&mdash;Ike's Views.&mdash;The
+Colonel's.&mdash;Bates's.&mdash;Mrs. Longbow dies.&mdash;Who killed her:
+conflicting Opinions.&mdash;Her Funeral.&mdash;Bigelow Van Slyck's
+Sermon.&mdash;Interment.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>Not long after this jolly little gathering at my house, I heard that Mrs.
+Longbow was sick. Her symptoms were very alarming, and, as she was the wife
+of Squire Longbow, and as the Squire was <i>the</i> man of Puddleford, her
+critical condition was a matter of public concern.</p>
+
+<p>"What is the matter with Squire Longbow's woman?" "How did she rest last
+night?" "Did she roll and tumble much?" "Is her fever brok't onto her?"
+were questions frequently put. Now Mrs. Longbow was a very worthy person,
+and entitled to all the sympathy she received; but that is not to be the
+subject of this chapter.</p>
+
+<p>When Mrs. Longbow was first taken ill, Dr. Teazle was called&mdash;yes, reader,
+Dr. Teazle&mdash;who had been as good authority in medicine, as Longbow ever was
+in law. I say had been&mdash;"Things were different now."</p>
+
+<p>Teazle was one of the pioneers of Puddleford. He<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span> was there when the first
+log-house was laid up&mdash;the first field cleared&mdash;the first child born.
+Teazle possessed a very little learning, a very great deal of impudence,
+and a never-ending flow of language. He was opinionated, and tolerated no
+practice but his own. (What physician ever did?) Teazle never let a doubt
+enter his mind&mdash;he intuitively read a case, as rapidly as though he were
+reading a printed statement of it. Teazle was about the size of Longbow,
+but <i>he</i> had two eyes.</p>
+
+<p>"How long have you been attackted?" inquired Teazle, approaching the
+bedside of Mrs. Longbow, and placing his fingers over the lady's pulse.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Longbow said "it was some time during the night."</p>
+
+<p>"Run out your tongue," continued Teazle.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Longbow obeyed.</p>
+
+<p>"Very bad tongue&mdash;all full'er stuff&mdash;you ain't well, Mrs. Longbow; there's
+a kind of collapse of the whole system, and a sort of debility going on,
+everywhere all over you."</p>
+
+<p>Squire Longbow, who sat by, anxiously inquired what the disease was.</p>
+
+<p>Teazle said it might be a sour stomach, or it might be fever, or it might
+be rheumatiz, or it might be the liver, or it might be that something else
+was out of order&mdash;or it might be the <i>rattles</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"Dear me!" exclaimed the Squire, "the <i>rattles</i>&mdash;what is that?"</p>
+
+<p>"The rattles," answered Teazle, "the rattles is a disease treated of in the
+books&mdash;Folks catch cold; the nose stops up; the throat gets sore, and there
+is a kind of rattling going on when they breathe, whether we can hear it or
+not&mdash;and that's the rattles."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Longbow said "she hadn't got any rattles as she know'd on."</p>
+
+<p>Teazle said he would make up a prescription that would make a sure business
+of it, as he always did when he was in doubt. "He would prepare a compound
+of the particular medicines used for the particular diseases he had
+mentioned, and fire at random, and some of the shot would hit, he knew."</p>
+
+<p>"Gracious! doctor!" exclaimed Longbow, "what comes of the rest on 'em?"</p>
+
+<p>"All passes off&mdash;all passes off," answered Teazle glibly, with a flourish
+of the hand, "through the pores of the skin&mdash;" continued Teazle; "and you
+must also take four quarts-er water, two pounds-er salt, a gill-er
+molasses, a little 'cumfrey root, some catnip blows (but mind don't get in
+any of the leaves; that'll kill her), stir it all up together, and soak her
+feet just ten minutes; then get five cents worth-er sassyfarilla, three
+cents worth-er some kind of physic, pour in some caster-ile, and I'll put
+in some intergrediences and stuffs, and will give it inwardly every two
+hours; and in the morning I will 'quire agin into the condition of the
+patient."</p>
+
+<p>This, reader, was the result of Teazle's call. Mrs. Longbow was really
+suffering under an attack of bilious fever.</p>
+
+<p>In a few days there was an uproar among the physicians of Puddleford. Dr.
+Short and Dr. Dobbs had united their influence and tongues together, and
+Teazle was denounced as a quack and a fool. Short and Dobbs never united
+for any other purpose but the abuse of Teazle. Sometimes Short and Teazle
+abused Dobbs, and sometimes Dobbs and Teazle abused Short. Short declared<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span>
+that "Mrs. Longbow had nothing but a kind of in'ard strictur', and a little
+salts would clear it right out."</p>
+
+<p>Dobbs said it "was either that or the <i>pantod</i> of the heart, and that
+Teazle's medicine would lay out the poor soul as cold as a wedge."</p>
+
+<p>I endeavored to ascertain by Dobbs what he wished us to understand by
+"pantod of the heart."</p>
+
+<p>Dobbs said it was "unpossible for him to explain it without the books&mdash;it
+was something that laid hold of the vessels about the heart, and throw'd
+everything into a flutter."</p>
+
+<p>The war went on&mdash;Squire Longbow's friends finally joined the force of
+opposition to Teazle&mdash;and in two or three days Teazle was ejected very
+unceremoniously from the Squire's house, and Dobbs took his place.</p>
+
+<p>The first thing Dobbs did, when he was fairly installed, was to gather up,
+and pitch headlong into the fire, all of Teazle's remaining medicines. He
+wondered whether Teazle "really <i>intended</i> to kill Mrs. Longbow! Perhaps he
+was only a fool!" The whole system of practice was now changed. A new
+administration had come into power, and with it new measures. Dobbs "didn't
+know but he might raise Mrs. Longbow, but he couldn't hold himself
+responsible&mdash;Teazle had nearly finished her&mdash;but he would try."</p>
+
+<p>Dobbs immediately introduced a seton into the side of his patient, "to get
+up a greater fluttering somewhere else, and get away the flutter at the
+heart, and when <i>that</i> went, the fever would go away with it," <i>he</i> said.</p>
+
+<p>Dobbs moved around Puddleford for a day or so, with great pomp of manner.
+He had unseated Teazle, and now occupied his place. But what was his
+surprise to find<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span> Short and Teazle united, and out upon him, in full cry!
+Short had become chagrined because Dobbs had been called to fill the place
+of Teazle, instead of himself.</p>
+
+<p>The war was renewed with increased fury. Dobbs's seton failed to produce
+the desired effect, and he, therefore, resorted to blistering and calomel.
+In a week he had nearly skinned and salivated the poor woman, and yet she
+lived. The fact was, Dobbs was a greater blockhead than Teazle, if that
+were possible. Ike Turtle said the "old 'oman was between Scyller and
+Chara<i>bi</i>des!"&mdash;Ike had heard this classical allusion at some time,&mdash;"and
+she'd got-ter go for it&mdash;and she'd better just step out at onst, and save
+trouble and expense."</p>
+
+<p>The "Colonel" said that he "once read a story in &AElig;sop's Fables, called the
+'Fox and the Brambles,' and he recollected that the Fox refused to shake
+off a swarm of flies that were sucking out his life-blood, because a more
+hungry swarm would succeed; and <i>he</i> thought Mrs. Longbow made a great
+mistake in discharging Teazle; for Teazle had exhausted his energies upon
+his patient, and nature was about restoring the ruin he had wrought."</p>
+
+<p>Bates expressed a different opinion. He was a strong advocate of lobelia
+and cayenne-pepper&mdash;he was, in short, a supporter of the "hot-water"
+practice. All mineral medicine Bates declared poisonous. Bates said "Nature
+knew enough to take care of herself&mdash;for every disease a remedy had been
+provided&mdash;what we call weeds were all valuable remedies: and he thought
+Teazle and Dobbs ought both to be indicted for malpractice."</p>
+
+<p>This war between men, soon became a war of systems. Philista Filkins, Aunt
+Sonora, Bates &amp; Company, raised a tempest around Longbow's ears; and Dobbs
+was finally<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span> thrown overboard, and his medicines after him; and Mrs.
+Filkins was placed at the helm, and the hot-water practice introduced.</p>
+
+<p>But what is the use, reader?&mdash;Mrs. Longbow died. Who wouldn't? Nature
+cannot endure everything&mdash;she died, and was buried. But who killed her?
+That was a question for months afterwards. Dobbs said Teazle&mdash;Teazle said
+Dobbs; and Teazle and Dobbs, when <i>talking together</i> on the subject, said
+Mrs. Filkins&mdash;and Bates said "<i>the calomel</i>"&mdash;and Turtle said "the 'oman
+had been conspir'd agin, and was killed."</p>
+
+<p>I attended the funeral of Mrs. Longbow. A funeral is solemn anywhere&mdash;in
+the wilderness it is impressive. In a city it is too often an exhibition of
+pride, carried down to the very gates of death&mdash;the poor handful of dust is
+used to glorify, a little longer, the living&mdash;it preaches no sermon,
+chastens no feeling; but a funeral in the wilderness is as lonely as one at
+sea. Nature becomes almost oppressive. The scattered population, for miles
+around, gathered at the log-chapel, and Bigelow Van Slyck preached over the
+remains of Mrs. Longbow. The sermon was characteristic of Bigelow&mdash;strange
+and inappropriate, perhaps, in the opinion of the reader; but, after all,
+the very thing for Bigelow's audience. This was his text: "Man that is born
+of a woman is of few days, and full of trouble!" Bigelow said his "text
+used the word '<i>man</i> that is born,' &amp;c., but it was jest as applicable to a
+woman as to a man, for woman was, after all, a kind of a man; not that a
+woman <i>was</i> a man, nor a man a woman&mdash;but texts allers spoke of things in
+general, 'cause the Bible was writ for all time." In dwelling upon the
+words "that is <i>born</i>," Bigelow said,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span> "he would go into the history of the
+Longbow family"&mdash;and he did go into their history, with a vengeance. He
+began with Squire Longbow's grandfather, who, he said, "fit in the old
+French war," and told us when <i>he</i> was <i>born</i>, and how he lived, and where
+he lived, and when he died, and gave us a kind of synopsis of the old man's
+services in the flesh. He then seized, violently, hold of the Squire
+himself, informed us he was born "down in the Pennsylvanys 'bout the old
+Tom Jefferson times, was the last of ten children, whose history he
+couldn't go into for want of time&mdash;that the Squire hadn't any larnin' until
+after he becom'd of age, and then got what he did get himself." Bigelow
+hoped his audience "would improve on this lesson, and get larnin'
+themselves." He then followed up the Squire through his immigration and
+settlement at Puddleford, and informed us, I recollect, among other things,
+that he built the first frame-house, being "twenty feet by thirty-four."
+Bigelow was still more specific in his history of Mrs. Longbow. If there
+was anything overlooked in the poor woman's life, I do not know what it
+was. Bigelow labored some half hour over her virtues, and brought them out
+so systematically, at last, that the list, when completed, reminded me of
+an inventory of the personal effects of a deceased person&mdash;of the
+preparation of a document, to file away somewhere.</p>
+
+<p>The latter part of Bigelow's text, upon the brevity of life, was well
+managed&mdash;roughly, perhaps, but pointedly. He drew copiously from nature, by
+way of illustration, as all persons do who live more with nature than with
+man. "The corn," he remarked, "died in the ground, sprouted, grew green,
+then the blades died agin"&mdash;"the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span> flowers jest breathed a few times, then
+<i>they</i> died"&mdash;"day died into night, and night died in the
+morning"&mdash;"everything died everywhere; and man died, and woman died, and
+we'd all got-ter die." I have selected only a few sentences, at random,
+from this part of Bigelow's discourse.</p>
+
+<p>Then there was an address to the audience, an address to the aged, another
+to those in middle life, another to the young, and finally, one to the
+mourners, standing. Some two hours and a half were occupied in the sermon
+altogether; and when it finally closed, the remains of Mrs. Longbow were
+silently and sadly deposited in the grave.</p>
+
+<p>The death of Mrs. Longbow created a great chasm in society. The
+"settlement" was so small, that the loss of any one was severely felt. In
+small places, every person has a great deal of individuality&mdash;in large,
+only here and there is one distinguished from "the crowd." Mrs. Longbow was
+certainly fortunate in one respect, if she was unfortunate in another. If
+the physicians of Puddleford hastened her end, its population have not
+forgotten her, nor her many virtues.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CHAPTER XI.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Squire Longbow in Mourning.&mdash;The Great Question.&mdash;Aunt
+Sonora's Opinion.&mdash;Other People's.&mdash;The Squire goes to
+Church.&mdash;His Appearance on that Occasion.&mdash;Aunt Graves, and
+her Extra Performance.&mdash;"Nux Vomica."&mdash;Anxious
+Mothers.&mdash;Mary Jane Arabella Swipes.&mdash;Sister Abigail.&mdash;Ike
+Turtle and his Designs.&mdash;He calls on Aunt Graves.&mdash;She'll go
+it.&mdash;Sister Abigail's Objection.&mdash;The Squire's First Love
+Letter.&mdash;The Wedding.&mdash;Great Getting-up.&mdash;Turtle's
+Examination.&mdash;The Squire runs the Risk of "the
+Staterts."&mdash;Bigelow's Ceremony.&mdash;General Break-Down.&mdash;Not
+<i>Very</i> Drunk.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>Squire Longbow sincerely mourned the loss of his wife&mdash;internally and
+externally. Externally, he was one of the strongest mourners I ever saw. He
+wore a weed, floating from his hat, nearly a foot long. It was the longest
+weed that had ever been mounted at Puddleford; but our readers must not
+forget who Squire Longbow was&mdash;a magistrate, and leading man in community.
+And while the reader is about it, he may also recollect that the Squire is
+not the only man, east or west, who has ventured upon a little ostentation
+over the grave of the departed&mdash;nor woman either.</p>
+
+<p>Who was to be the next Mrs. Longbow? That was the question. The public,
+indeed, asked it long before the Squire. Who was to have the honor of
+presiding at the Squire's table? What woman was to be placed at the head of
+society in Puddleford? The Swipeses and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span> Beagles, Aunt Sonora, Aunt Graves,
+and Sister Abigail, and scores of others, all began to speculate upon this
+important subject. Even Turtle and Bates indulged in a few general remarks.</p>
+
+<p>Aunt Sonora gave it as her mind, that "the Squire ought to be pretty skeery
+how he married anybody, kase if he got one of them flipper-ter-gibbet sort
+o' wimmin, she'd turn the whole house <i>en</i>side out, and he'd be one of the
+most miserablest of all men." She said, "if he know'd what was good for
+himself, he'd jest keep clear of all the young gals that were fussing and
+figeting round him, and go right in for some old stand-by of a woman, that
+know'd how to take the brunt of things&mdash;but, lors a-me," continued Aunt
+Sonora, "there's no doing nothing with these old widowers&mdash;they're all like
+my Uncle Jo, who married in a hurry, and repented arterwards&mdash;and the poor
+dear old soul arn't had a minute's peace since."</p>
+
+<p>The Swipeses and Beagles, who, it will be recollected, belonged to a clique
+that had, in times past, warred against Longbow &amp; Co., "tho't it would be
+shameful for the Squire to marry at all&mdash;it would be an insult agin the
+memory of poor old Mrs. Longbow, who was dead and gone." (Some people, you
+know, reader, abuse the living, but defend the dead.) "And if the Squire
+should marry, <i>they</i> should think, for <i>their</i> part, that she'd rise up out
+of her grave, and haunt him! She could never sleep easy, if she know'd that
+the Squire had got some other woman, who was eating her preserves, and
+wearing out her clothes, and lording it over the house like all possess'd."</p>
+
+<p>Other opinions were expressed by other persons&mdash;in fact, the Squire's
+widowhood was <i>the</i> great concern of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span> Puddleford. "He was so well on to
+do," as Aunt Sonora used to call it, that he was considered a great
+"catch."</p>
+
+<p>After a few weeks of sorrow, the Squire himself really began to entertain
+notions of matrimony. It is true he had passed the age of sixty, and it
+required a great effort to get up a sufficient amount of romance to carry
+out such an enterprise. Symptoms began, however, to wax strong. The first
+alarming indication was his attendance at church. The Squire had always
+been a kind of heathen in this respect, and had for many years set a poor
+example; but people, who want to marry, will go to church. Whether this is
+done to get up a reputation, or simply to take a survey of the
+unappropriated female stock yet remaining on hand, I cannot say.</p>
+
+<p>The Squire was "fixed up" amazingly, the first time I saw him at church.
+His hair had been cut, and thoroughly greased. His shirt-collar covered his
+ears; and his boots shone like a mirror. Aunt Sonora said he looked
+"enymost as good as new." Aunt Graves was in the choir that day, and she
+sang as she never sang before. She blowed all the heavy strains of
+music&mdash;strains that lifted her on her toes&mdash;directly into Squire Longbow's
+face. Whether Aunt Graves had any design in this, is more than I can say;
+but I noticed some twinges about the Squire's lips, and a sleepy wink of
+the eye, that looked a little like magnetism. It was ridiculous, too, that
+such an old castle should be stormed by music.</p>
+
+<p>But the Squire exhibited other symptoms of matrimony. He grew more pompous
+in his decisions, disposed of cases more summarily, and quoted law Latin
+more frequently. It was about this time that he talked about the "nux<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span>
+vomica," instead of the "<i>vox Populi</i>." He used to "squash" proceeding's
+before the case was half presented; and, in the language of Turtle, "he
+tore around at a great rate." Turtle said, "the old Squire was getting to
+be an old fool, and he was goin' to have him married, or dismissed from
+office&mdash;there warn't no livin' with him."</p>
+
+<p>There were a great many anxious mothers about Puddleford who were very
+desirous of forming an alliance with the Longbow family. Even Mrs. Swipes,
+as much as she openly oposed the Squire's marriage in general, secretly
+hoped a spark might be struck up between him and her daughter, Mary Jane
+Arabella Swipes; and Mrs. Swipes was in the habit of sending her daughter
+over to the Squire's house, to inquire of him "to know if she couldn't do
+sunthin' for him in his melancholy condition;" and Sister Abigail went down
+several times to "put things to rights," and was as kind and obliging, and
+attentive to all the Squire's wants, as ever Mrs. Longbow was in her
+palmiest days. On these occasions, Sister Abigail used frequently to remind
+the Squire of "his great bereavement, and what an angel of a wife he had
+lost; and that things didn't look as they used to do, when she was around,
+and she didn't wonder he took on so, when the poor thing died."</p>
+
+<p>But, reader, Ike Turtle had ordered things otherwise. <i>He</i> was determined
+to strike up a match between the Squire and Aunt Graves. So Ike made a
+special visit to Aunt Graves one evening, for the purpose of "surveying and
+sounding along the coast, to see how the waters laid, and how the old soul
+would take it," to use his language.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>I have already given an outline of Aunt Graves; but I will now say further,
+that she never had an offer of matrimony in her whole life. She was what is
+termed a "touchy" old maid. She professed to hate men, and affected great
+distress of mind when thrown into their society. Aunt Graves was just
+ironing down the seams of a coat that she had finished, when Ike called.</p>
+
+<p>Ike opened the conversation by reminding Aunt Graves that "she was livin'
+along kinder lonely like."</p>
+
+<p>"Lonely 'nough, I s'pose," she replied, snappishly.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't you never have the blues, and get sorter obstrep'rous?"</p>
+
+<p>Aunt Graves "didn't know as she did."</p>
+
+<p>"Why, in the name of old Babylon, don't you marry?"</p>
+
+<p>"Marry? <i>me</i> marry&mdash;marry a man&mdash;a great awful man!" and the iron flew
+through the seams like lightning.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," continued Ike, "marry&mdash;marry a man&mdash;why, woman, you are getting as
+old and yellow as autumn leaves. What have you been livin' for?&mdash;you've
+broken all the laws of Scripter inter pieces&mdash;and keep on breakin' on
+'em&mdash;adding sin unto sin, and transgression unto transgression, and the
+thing's got-ter be stopped. Now, Aunt Graves, what do you think&mdash;there's
+Squire Longbow, as desolate as Sodom, and he's got-ter have a woman, or the
+old man'll run as crazy as a loon a-thinkin' 'bout his household affairs;
+and you know how to cook, and to wash, and to iron, to make pickles and
+soap; and then, you're a proper age&mdash;what say?"</p>
+
+<p>Aunt Graves ran to the fire, plunged her goose into the ashes, and gave the
+coals a smart stir. She then dropped down in her large rocking-chair,
+leaned her cheek<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span> upon her elbow, fixed her eyes upon the floor, and came
+near going off into hysterics.</p>
+
+<p>Ike dashed a little water into Aunt Graves' face, and she revived. After
+having gained strength, she replied in substance to Ike's query in a very
+languishing, die-away air: "She couldn't say&mdash;she didn't know&mdash;if it was a
+duty&mdash;if she could really <i>believe</i> it was a duty&mdash;if she was called on to
+fill poor old dead-and-gone Mrs. Longbow's place&mdash;folks were born inter the
+world to do good, and she had so far been one of the most unprofitablest of
+sarvants; but she could never marry on her own account&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"In other words," exclaimed Ike, cutting her short, "you'll go it."</p>
+
+<p>Aunt Graves agreed to "reflect on't."</p>
+
+<p>It was not long after this consultation that Mrs. Swipes began to "smell a
+rat," as she said. She commanded Mary Jane Arabella "never to darken the
+doors of that old hog, Longbow, agin; and as for that female critter,
+Graves, <i>she'd</i> got a husband living down at the East'ard, and they'd all
+get into prison for life, the first thing they know'd."</p>
+
+<p>Sister Abigail declared, "she'd have Aunt Graves turned out of church, if
+she married a man who warn't a member." This was a great deal for Sister
+Abigail to say, for she had been the bosom friend of Aunt Graves: "people
+out of the church, and people in the church, shouldn't orter jine
+themselves together&mdash;it was agin Scripter, and would get everything inter a
+twist."</p>
+
+<p>But Ike Turtle had decreed that the marriage should go on. He even went so
+far as to indite the first letter of the Squire's to Aunt Graves. This
+letter, which Ike<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span> exhibited to his friends, as one of his best literary
+specimens, was indeed a curiosity. I presume there is nothing else like it
+on the face of the globe. It opened by informing Aunt Graves that since the
+"loss of his woman, he had felt very grievous-like, and couldn't fix his
+mind onto anything&mdash;that the world didn't seem at all as it used to
+do&mdash;that he and his woman had liv'd in peace for thirty years, and the
+marriage state was nat'ral to him&mdash;that he had always lik'd Aunt Graves
+since the very first time he see'd her, and so did his woman too;" and many
+more declarations of similar import, and it was signed "J. Longbow, Justice
+of the Peace," and <i>sealed</i> too, like his legal processes, that his dignity
+might command, even if his person did not win, the affections of this
+elderly damsel.</p>
+
+<p>Aunt Graves surrendered&mdash;and all this within two months after the death of
+Mrs. Longbow. The Squire cast off his weeds, and made violent preparations
+for matrimony; and on a certain night&mdash;I shall never forget it&mdash;the affair
+came off.</p>
+
+<p>There was a great gathering at the Squire's&mdash;a sort of general invitation
+had been extended far and near&mdash;the Swipeses and Beagles, Aunt Sonora, and
+all. Great preparations had been made in the way of eatables. The Squire
+was rigged in a new suit of "<i>home-made</i>," (made by Mrs. Longbow, too, in
+her life-time),&mdash;a white vest, and he wore a cotton bandana
+neck-handkerchief, with heavy bows, that buried his chin, and a pair of
+pumps and clouded blue stockings. Aunt Graves' dress cannot be described.
+She was a mass of fluttering ribbons, and she looked as though she would
+take wings and fly away.</p>
+
+<p>Bigelow Van Slyck and Ike Turtle conducted the marriage<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span> ceremony&mdash;the one
+took the ecclesiastical, the other the civil management. When the couple
+were ready, Turtle sat down in front of them with the statutes under his
+arm, with Bigelow at his right hand.</p>
+
+<p>Turtle examined the statutes amid profound silence for some time, turning
+down one leaf here and another there, until he found himself thoroughly
+prepared for the solemn occasion. Finally, he arose, and with a gravity
+that no man ever put on before or since, exclaimed,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Miss Graves, hold up your right hand and swear."</p>
+
+<p>Miss Graves said "she was a member of the church, and dar'sent swear."</p>
+
+<p>Ike said it was "legal swearing he wanted, 'cording to the staterts&mdash;not
+the wicked sort&mdash;he wanted her to swear that she was over fourteen years of
+age&mdash;hadn't got no husband living, nowhere&mdash;warn't goin' to practise no
+fraud nor nothin' on Squire Longbow&mdash;and that she'd jest as good a right to
+get married now as she ever had."</p>
+
+<p>Miss Graves looked blank.</p>
+
+<p>Squire Longbow said "he'd run the risk of the fourteen years of age and the
+fraud, and finally he would of the whole on't. The staterts was well
+enough, but it warn't to be presumed that a <i>justice of the peace would</i>
+run agin 'em. Some folks didn't know 'em&mdash;he did."</p>
+
+<p>Ike said "there was something another in the statert about wimin's doing
+things 'without any fear or compulsion of anybody,' and he guessed he'd
+take Miss Graves into another room, and examine her separately and apart
+from her intended husband." This was a joke of Turtle's.</p>
+
+<p>The Squire said "that meant <i>married</i> wimin&mdash;arter<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span> the ceremony was over,
+that ere would be very legal and proper."</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Swipes said, "for her part, she thought the oath or-ter be put&mdash;it
+would be an awful thing to see a poor cretur forced into marriage."</p>
+
+<p>Sister Abigail thought so, too.</p>
+
+<p>Aunt Sonora hoped there wouldn't be nothin' did wrong, "so people could
+take the law on 'em."</p>
+
+<p>Turtle said, "that they needn't any on 'em fret their gizzards&mdash;<i>he</i> was
+responsible for the la' of the case."</p>
+
+<p>Bigelow then rose, and told the parties to jine hands, and while they were
+jined, he wanted the whole company to sing a psalm.</p>
+
+<p>The psalm was sung.</p>
+
+<p>Bigelow then commenced the wedding process. "Squire Longbow," exclaimed
+Bigelow&mdash;"this is your second wife, and some folks say the third, and I
+hope you feel the awful position in which you find yourself."</p>
+
+<p>The Squire said "he felt easy and resigned&mdash;he'd gone inter it from respect
+to his woman who was now no more."</p>
+
+<p>"You do promise to take this ere woman, to eat her, and drink her, and keep
+her in things to wear, so long as you and she lives."</p>
+
+<p>"I do that very thing," responded the Squire.</p>
+
+<p>"And you, on your part," continued Bigelow, turning to Aunt Graves,
+"promise to behave yourself and obey the Squire in all things."</p>
+
+<p>Aunt Graves said "she would, Providence permitting."</p>
+
+<p>This marriage ceremony, I believe, is nearly word for word.</p>
+
+<p>"Then," said Turtle, "wheel yourselves into line, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span> let's have a dance;"
+and drawing out his fiddle the whole crowd, in five minutes, were tearing
+down at a most furious rate; and when I departed, at about midnight, the
+storm was raging still higher, the whiskey and hot water circulated freely,
+Turtle looked quite abstracted about his eyes, and his footsteps were
+growing more and more uncertain, Bulliphant's face shone like a full moon,
+the voices of the females, a little stimulated, were as noisy and confused
+as those of Babel, and your humble servant&mdash;why, he walked home as straight
+as a gun&mdash;of course he did&mdash;and was able to distinguish a hay-stack from a
+meeting-house, anywhere along the road.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CHAPTER XII.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>The Group at "The Eagle."&mdash;Entr&eacute;e of a Stranger.&mdash;His
+Opinion of the Tavern.&mdash;Bulliphant wakes up.&mdash;Can't pick
+Fowls after Dark.&mdash;Sad Case of Mother Gantlet and Dr.
+Teazle.&mdash;Mr. Farindale begins to unbend.&mdash;Whistle &amp; Sharp,
+and their Attorney.&mdash;Good Pay.&mdash;Legal Conversation.&mdash;Going
+Sniping.&mdash;Great Description of the Animal.&mdash;The Party start,
+Farindale holding the Bag.&mdash;"Waiting for
+Snipe."&mdash;Farindale's Solitary Return.&mdash;His Interview with
+Whistle &amp; Sharp.&mdash;Suing a Puddleford Firm.&mdash;Relief
+Laws.&mdash;Farindale gets his Execution.&mdash;The Puddleford
+Bank.&mdash;The Appraisers.&mdash;Proceeds of the Execution.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>Late in the fall of the year, early one evening, Turtle, Longbow, Bates,
+the "Colonel," Swipes, and Beagle were congregated at the Eagle. Turtle and
+Bates were engaged at a game of checkers, and each one, fast-anchored at
+his right hand, had a glass of whiskey and water, or, as Turtle called it,
+"a little diluted baldface." Their mouths were pierced with a pipe, in the
+left hand corner, which hung loosely and rakishly down, besmearing their
+laps with ashes, and now and then they puffed forth a column of smoke. The
+"Colonel," Longbow, and the other Puddlefordians were ranged round the
+fire. The Colonel sat in a rickety chair, his feet hoisted up on the mantel
+on a line with his nose, and his shoulders hitched over the ends of its
+posts; the Squire was busily looking into the glowing coals, his hands
+clasped across<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span> his breast, unravelling some question of law, and Swipes
+sat very affectionately on Beagle's lap, his right arm thrown around his
+neck.</p>
+
+<p>While in this position, aloud call of "Hallo!" "Landlord!" "O-r-s-t-ler!"
+was heard without.</p>
+
+<p>"Stir yer stumps, old Boniface&mdash;a traveller in distress," exclaimed Ike, to
+Bulliphant, who was asleep on a wooden box behind the bar, and was snoring
+louder and louder at each succeeding blast.</p>
+
+<p>"Another two-and-sixpence, old free and easy," added Bates.</p>
+
+<p>"This ere's a licensed tavern, and you must be up and doing, or the la' 'll
+be inter you," gravely remarked the Squire.</p>
+
+<p>By this time the stranger dashed into the bar-room, his face flushed, and
+his temper, or his offended dignity, or both, in the ascendant, and
+exclaimed, ferociously, "Is this a tavern! are you all dead! where's the
+landlord! the hostler! Got any hay&mdash;oats!&mdash;anything for a gentleman to
+eat!&mdash;any place to sleep!"&mdash;when Bulliphant rubbed open his eyes with the
+knuckle of his fore-finger, gave a sleepy nod, and stumbled towards the
+door, to provide for his furious guest and his horse.</p>
+
+<p>The stranger walked into the bar-room, unwound two or three gaudy shawls
+from his neck, took off an overcoat, a surtout-coat, shed a pair of
+India-rubber travelling-boots, run both of his hands deep into his
+breeches-pockets, took half a dozen pompous strides across the floor,
+looking down all the while in abstracted mood at his feet, paraded before a
+glass, twisted one of the locks of his hair around his fore-finger, and
+finally brought up with his back to the fire, where he stood, his hands
+holding<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span> apart the skirts of his coat, and his attention fixed upon
+something on the ceiling.</p>
+
+<p>Turtle measured him with his eyes several times from head to foot; the
+"Colonel" hitched out of his way and begged his pardon, when, in fact, he
+was not at all <i>in</i> his way; the Squire was quite overcome at the amount of
+opposing dignity brought so directly in contact with him; Bates gravely
+whistled Yankee Doodle, gazing out of the window, and winked over his
+shoulder at Beagle and Swipes, who winked back again.</p>
+
+<p>Bulliphant returned wide awake. "Any turkeys or chickens?" inquired the
+stranger.</p>
+
+<p>"All gone to roost," answered Bulliphant, with a grave kind of brevity.</p>
+
+<p>"Take a broiled chicken," said the stranger, giving a heavy hawk, with his
+hand upon his breast, and spitting half across the floor.</p>
+
+<p>"Have to take it feathers and all, then," said Bulliphant&mdash;"wimin folks are
+superstitious&mdash;don't b'lieve it's right to pick fowls in the night&mdash;'twas
+jest so with my wife's grandmother&mdash;she had the same complaint."</p>
+
+<p>The stranger looked very hard at Bulliphant, and spit again, somewhat
+spitefully.</p>
+
+<p>"Can give you mush, souse, slap-jacks, briled pork," continued Bulliphant,
+looking quizzically towards Turtle.</p>
+
+<p>The stranger said, "he thought he'd stopped at a <i>tavern</i>&mdash;but he'd a great
+deal better turned himself into the woods, and browsed for supper"&mdash;and
+heaving a long sigh, sat down, and crossed his legs in a settled mood of
+desperation.</p>
+
+<p>Bulliphant said "there warn't no cause for alarm&mdash;he'd seen sicker men than
+he die&mdash;and get well, too."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The stranger grunted and shifted his legs.</p>
+
+<p>There was a long silence. All the Puddlefordians, except Ike and Bates, who
+were absorbed in their game, were looking soberly and steadily into the
+burning logs.</p>
+
+<p>"Turtle," exclaimed Swipes, at last, breaking the solitude&mdash;"is that man
+goin' to die?"</p>
+
+<p>"Can't tell," replied Turtle; "his life's on a pize&mdash;may turn one way, may
+turn t'other," and he took out his pipe, and blew a long whiff.</p>
+
+<p>"Sleep well, last night?"</p>
+
+<p>"Groan'd some 'bout midnight."</p>
+
+<p>Swipes looked very sad, and the stranger's eyes passed from face to face
+with anxious looks.</p>
+
+<p>"Ain't goin' to bleed to death?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not zactly that, but mortification's goin' to set in, and he cannot stand
+it long, when that takes him."</p>
+
+<p>"Dear me!" exclaimed the Colonel.</p>
+
+<p>"Very strange case!" added the Squire.</p>
+
+<p>"Great loss!" rejoined Bates.</p>
+
+<p>The stranger, who was none other than the junior member of the firm of
+Follett, Fizzlet &amp; Farindale, dry goods merchants, doing business in the
+city of New York, and who was out at Puddleford hunting up the firm of
+Whistle &amp; Sharp, a couple of debtors, whose account had been in the rear
+for some time&mdash;the stranger, I say, became very anxious to hear the
+particulars of the man whose life was in jeopardy&mdash;and he exclaimed before
+he thought&mdash;"What is it, gentlemen?&mdash;who's hurt?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why," said Ike, his face all the while cast iron, and his eyes steadily
+fixed on his game; "why, you see, old<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span> mother Gantlet was took with a
+violent mis'ry in her head&mdash;sent for Dr. Teazle&mdash;our village doctor
+here&mdash;the old 'oman said her head would bust&mdash;doctor said it wouldn't&mdash;the
+old 'oman said it would&mdash;the doctor said he'd tie it up&mdash;and he <i>did</i> try
+to tie it up, stranger&mdash;and while he was busy, her head <i>did</i> bust, and
+blew off the doctor's thumb and fore-finger"&mdash;and Ike shoved a man into the
+king-row and crowned him, without a look at Mr. Farindale, his face all the
+while as rigid as a tombstone.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Farindale gave a long whistle, and immediately called for a cigar; the
+Colonel dropped a quid of tobacco into his hand, and gave it a toss across
+the bar-room; Longbow shot forth a dignified spit into the fire, or rather
+it seemed to shoot out itself, without moving a muscle, and Bates stroked
+his chin several times with his left hand.</p>
+
+<p>A long pause ensued. "What became of the woman?" inquired Farindale, after
+five minutes, looking sharply at Ike.</p>
+
+<p>"She hain't been heer'd on since, as I knows on," replied Ike; "but the
+<i>doctor's</i> in a dref-ul state."</p>
+
+<p>The game of checkers closed, and Ike and Bates moved around near Mr.
+Farindale.</p>
+
+<p>"Stranger," said Ike, "travelled long in these ere parts?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not long&mdash;but long enough."</p>
+
+<p>"Goin' on?"</p>
+
+<p>"On where?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, on to the next place?"</p>
+
+<p>"Does Whistle &amp; Sharp live hereabouts?" inquired Farindale, without
+answering Ike's question.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"To be sure they do," said Ike; "I know 'em like a book; am their 'torney."</p>
+
+<p>"Their attorney&mdash;<i>you</i> their attorney&mdash;attorney of Whistle &amp; Sharp," said
+the stranger, slowly and musingly, scratching his head with his
+fore-finger.</p>
+
+<p>"Got anything for 'em or agin 'em?" inquired Ike.</p>
+
+<p>"Are they good pay?" inquired the stranger.</p>
+
+<p>"Always pays at the end of an execution," replied Ike&mdash;"never
+before&mdash;allers takes a receipt on the docket&mdash;makes their settlements a
+matter of record&mdash;puts things where they can't be ripp'd up&mdash;best way,
+ain't it, stranger?"</p>
+
+<p>The stranger grunted, "Humph!"</p>
+
+<p>"And then," said Ike, "there's no dispute 'bout authority to collect.
+Everybody can't tell who everybody's agent is. One New York clark run'd
+away one year with all the collections from Puddleford in his
+breeches-pocket; but the court <i>has</i> authority&mdash;gin'ral jurisdiction&mdash;and
+the discharge of a court is a discharge what <i>is</i> a discharge."</p>
+
+<p>"That's a real opinion," exclaimed Longbow, who had not spoken for half an
+hour; "there's nothin' like a <i>court</i> to put a finish onter things;" and
+the Squire gave two or three heavy coughs, and blew his nose into his red
+cotton handkerchief, and doubling it up into a wad, looked around very
+gravely at Farindale as he dropped it back into his hat.</p>
+
+<p>"Authority! The authority of courts to collect debts! They may have
+authority, but I never saw a court that had the <i>power</i> to collect a debt
+of me," exclaimed the Colonel, shifting his tobacco from one side of his
+mouth to the other as he spoke; "and I never put in a plea in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span> my life&mdash;the
+plea always puts <i>itself</i> in, and is a dead bar to further proceedings
+every time&mdash;'no assets'&mdash;'nothing whereon to levy'"&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Nully Bony! Nully Bony!</i> you mean," said the Squire, horror-stricken at
+the Colonel's use of law language.</p>
+
+<p>"That's it," said Bates; "hain't got nothin' to get onter"&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"And ain't nowhere to be found, nor nothin'," added Turtle.</p>
+
+<p>"Just so," said the Colonel; "a kind of general suspension for want of
+capital&mdash;the fiddle's on hand, but the bow is gone."</p>
+
+<p>The stranger was puzzled at the Puddlefordian view of paying debts, and
+wondered if Whistle &amp; Sharp were advocates of the same doctrine.</p>
+
+<p>"Stranger!" said Bates, turning the subject of conversation, "do you ever
+hunt?"</p>
+
+<p>"Never," answered Farindale.</p>
+
+<p>"Rare sport to-night, going a-sniping," said Bates.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Sni</i>-ping?" inquired the stranger, emphasizing the first syllable;
+"<i>sni</i>-ping! what is <i>sni</i>-ping?"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Sni</i>-ping?" answered Bates&mdash;"why, catching snipe, to be sure."</p>
+
+<p>"Great sport," said the Colonel; "bagged three hundred night before last."</p>
+
+<p>"The real yaller legs, too!" remarked Turtle.</p>
+
+<p>Farindale said "he would like to accompany them&mdash;never saw a snipe in his
+life&mdash;would like to take one back to the city. Do they <i>sing</i>?" he
+inquired, turning to Turtle.</p>
+
+<p>"Great singers! catch any tune! s'prising critters to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span> larn," answered Ike;
+"got one up to my house that goes thro' half of 'Old Hundred,' by jest
+hearing the folks hum it round the house."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Re</i>-markable!" exclaimed Farindale.</p>
+
+<p>"Great eating, too," said Longbow.</p>
+
+<p>"Hain't got mor'n two or three bones in their whole body; all the rest
+meat," said Bates.</p>
+
+<p>Preparations were immediately made for the sniping expedition. The stranger
+put on his India-rubber boots, and shawls, and overcoat; Ike procured a
+large bag of Bulliphant; and all hands, excepting Squire Longbow, whose
+dignity forbade anything like sport, wended their way to the river, where,
+Turtle said, "there were whole droves on 'em."</p>
+
+<p>"Now," whispered Turtle, drawing Farindale close to him, and holding his
+arm all the while as he spoke in his ear, "we must keep very still&mdash;snipe
+are scary critters, and when they get frightened they put straight for the
+river. There is a big log out yonder&mdash;a favorite spot of theirs&mdash;down which
+they travel and jump off into the river. You jest take this ere bag, creep
+softly down to the log, slip the bag over the end on't, and wait there
+until we drive in the snipe. Don't speak&mdash;don't move; make 'em think you
+are the trunk of a tree; and when the bag is full, slip it off, and close
+it in a jiffy."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes! yes!" whispered back Farindale.</p>
+
+<p>"Mind, don't stir from your post till I halloo."</p>
+
+<p>"No! no!" said Farindale.</p>
+
+<p>Farindale did as he was directed. He found, however, a foot of black muck;
+but, after "slumping" a while, he managed to plant his spread legs out like
+a pair of extended compasses, and slide the bag over the log.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span> Here he
+stood, half bent together, grasping the bag, and waiting for snipe.</p>
+
+<p>There was a beating of the bushes around him; then all was still; then
+another beating, and another, and then a longer silence. Farindale was
+sinking deeper and deeper in the mud, and the water was nearly to the top
+of his boots. By and by, the noises ceased&mdash;no foot-step could be heard,
+and the stranger was alone with the bag and the log, and half up to his
+middle&mdash;<i>waiting for snipe</i>.</p>
+
+<p>What ever became of the Puddlefordians is more than I can say. Farindale
+returned to the Eagle alone. Early the next morning he might have been
+found in anxious consultation with Whistle &amp; Sharp concerning a claim there
+of a hundred and twelve dollars, and interest after six months, which he
+was very desirous to secure or settle. Mr. Whistle, the senior member of
+the firm of Whistle &amp; Sharp, was a very thin-faced man, with sandy hair
+that had seldom been combed, and he wore a faded blue coat with metal
+buttons, the two behind having been placed just under his armpits, which
+made him look as though some invisible power was all the while lifting him
+up from the ground. His woollen pantaloons had passed so many times through
+the wash-tub, that he was obliged to strain out the wrinkles when he put
+them on, and they clung as tight to his legs as his skin. Sharp was a
+little man, had a long face, and his mouth seemed to have been bored&mdash;for
+it was round&mdash;about midway between his chin and his forehead; and he was
+always wasping around, giving consequential orders about nothing, and very
+often spoke of the <i>firm</i> of Whistle &amp; Sharp, and what Whistle &amp; Sharp<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span> had
+done, and what Whistle &amp; Sharp could do, and would do.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Whistle informed Mr. Farindale that "the debt could not be paid at
+present, although," he added, "that the firm of Whistle &amp; Sharp were good
+for ten times that amount."</p>
+
+<p>"And another ten top of that," added Sharp, from the other end of the
+store, where he was tumbling down and putting up goods by way of exercise.</p>
+
+<p>"Can you secure them?" inquired Farindale.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, now, you <i>have</i> said it!" exclaimed Whistle, with apparent
+astonishment. "What can be safer than the firm of Whistle &amp;
+Sharp?&mdash;<i>secure!</i>&mdash;never had such a thing hinted before during the ten
+years of our business."</p>
+
+<p>"A mortgage," insinuated Farindale.</p>
+
+<p>"Can't do <i>that</i>,&mdash;not no how; my old grandfather was swept out clean with
+a mortgage once; took all he had, and he was compelled to emigrate; died of
+broken heart at last."</p>
+
+<p>"Then," said Farindale, "I must sue."</p>
+
+<p>"What! sue the firm of Whistle &amp; Sharp! Very well, sir, do, if you please."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes-sir-<i>ee</i>&mdash;horse-cob! Mr. Follett, Fizzlet &amp; Farindale," exclaimed
+Sharp, springing at one bound over the counter; "just sue us
+if&mdash;<i>you</i>&mdash;please; we'll pay the costs!" and Sharp whistled a tune with his
+eyes fixed steadily upon Farindale.</p>
+
+<p>"Court sits next month," said Whistle.</p>
+
+<p>"And we'll confess judgment," said Sharp.</p>
+
+<p>"And the <i>pay</i> is sure," said Whistle.</p>
+
+<p>"And no trouble hereafter," said Sharp.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Mr. Farindale began to think another sniping expedition was afoot. He was
+not a coward, if his cockneyism had lured him after snipe; but he was
+unable to determine what kind of people the Puddlefordians were. He had
+never met anything like them. So he sat in his chair, the account against
+Whistle &amp; Sharp in his hand, tapping the floor with his right foot, trying
+to devise some way to secure his claim.</p>
+
+<p>A thought struck him. "Pay it, and I will make a discount of twenty-five
+per cent.," said he.</p>
+
+<p>"What's that you say?" indignantly exclaimed Sharp. "Do you mean to injure
+our firm?&mdash;the firm of Whistle &amp; Sharp, who pay dollar for dollar! That
+ere, sir, is an insult. There's the door&mdash;walk! Sue! but you can't insult
+<i>us</i> on our own premises. That's the way to talk it, sir!" And Mr.
+Farindale <i>did</i> go, and he <i>did</i> sue, and the firm recovered a judgment
+against Whistle &amp; Sharp for the sum of three hundred and twenty-four
+dollars and sixteen cents, and costs of suit.</p>
+
+<p>It was no great matter to recover a judgment against a Puddlefordian; but
+it was something of a business to realize the damages. And that the reader
+may understand what kind of a prospect Follett, Fizzlet &amp; Farindale had for
+their money, it is necessary to speak of the laws then in force for the
+collection of debts. The new states at that time were entirely "shingled
+over" with relief laws, which were passed to save the property of the
+pioneer from sacrifice. There was scarcely any money in Puddleford, and
+exchanges were made by barter. Personal property was valued by its relation
+to other property; eight yards of calico were worth so much wheat, corn,
+potash, cord-wood, or saw-logs. The<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span> merchant managed to turn his grain
+into high wines, or put it in some other shape that would bear
+transportation, and he was thus enabled to pay <i>his</i> debts. The farmer gave
+the mechanic an order on the merchant; the professional man took an order
+on the merchant; the day-laborer took an order on the merchant; everybody
+took an order on the merchant. The merchant was general paymaster; what he
+could not, or would not pay, remained unpaid; and he, in his turn, swept
+the farmer's crops, and took everything available; and the balance yet his
+due, and remaining unpaid, if any, was carried over against the farmer, and
+against the next crop. Thus the whole business of Puddleford ran through
+the merchant like wheat through a mill, and generally at a profit to the
+latter of from seventy-five to a hundred per cent.</p>
+
+<p>It was this condition of the country that drove the legislature into the
+enactment of relief-laws. As there was no money to pay debts, it was
+enacted that property should be a legal tender. The law in force, at the
+date of the judgment against Whistle &amp; Sharp, was a beautiful specimen of
+legislative impudence and ingenuity. It <i>was</i> a relief law! One section of
+the act provided, in substance, that upon the presentation of an execution,
+issued by any court in the state, by the officer to whom the same shall be
+directed, to the debtor or debtors mentioned therein, <i>such debtor or
+debtors may turn out any property, personal or real, to said officer</i> who
+shall levy on the same; and the said officer shall cause the same to be
+appraised by three appraisers, one to be chosen by the plaintiff, one by
+the defendant, and one by the officer, who shall forthwith be sworn, etc.,
+and proceed to appraise<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span> said property turned out at its true cash value;
+and the said plaintiff in such execution shall receive said property at two
+thirds its appraised value; and, if he refuse, he shall not proceed any
+farther with his execution, or have another, <i>until he first pay up all the
+costs of said appraisement</i>.<a name="FNanchor_A_1" id="FNanchor_A_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_A_1" class="fnanchor">[A]</a></p>
+
+<p>An execution was issued by J. Snappit, Esq., attorney for Follett, Fizzlet
+&amp; Farindale, upon the judgment, recorded as foresaid, against the firm of
+Whistle &amp; Sharp, and put into the hands of the sheriff for collection.</p>
+
+<p>Now the sheriff of the county which included Puddleford within its limits
+was an accommodating man, a humane man, a man of the people, a&mdash;politician.
+He did not think it necessary to oppress debtors who were unfortunately
+unable to pay their debts&mdash;for the people elected him. Follett, Fizzlet &amp;
+Farindale never voted for <i>him</i>&mdash;never could vote for him; Whistle &amp; Sharp
+had, and would again. So the sheriff went down to Puddleford, and very
+politely informed them, with a wink, that "he had <i>that</i> execution against
+them, and it must be paid."</p>
+
+<p>"Jest so&mdash;jest so," answered Sharp, reading over the writ: "Whistle &amp; Sharp
+always pay&mdash;always have a pile of assets ready for a levy;" and returning
+the execution to the sheriff, begged a moment's delay, until "<i>we</i> could
+consult with our attorney."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Turtle was consulted, and the conclusion of Sharp's interview with him
+amounted to this: that Turtle should go immediately, and purchase for
+Whistle &amp; Sharp the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span> old steamboat cylinder, crank, and shaft; and the
+parties separated.</p>
+
+<p>The steamboat cylinder, crank, and shaft, alluded to, was what Turtle
+called the "Puddleford bank&mdash;metallic basis." Some years before, a
+steamboat, on an exploring expedition up the river, among its windings and
+sand-bars, was wrecked, and a heavy cylinder, crank, and shaft, thrown
+ashore at Puddleford, where they lay at the period I speak of, and had for
+a long time, deeply imbedded in sand. This mass of iron, weighing many
+tons, had for a long time been a perpetual bar to the collection of all
+debts against Puddlefordians. Chitty, in his Pleadings, never invented one
+so omnipotent. It suspended every execution directed against it. It was
+transferred, by bill of sale, from one Puddlefordian to another (as no
+creditor was ever found willing to receive it at any price), as necessity
+required, and was considered, by common consent, public property&mdash;a "bank"
+as Turtle called it, "to which any person had a right to resort in
+distress."<a name="FNanchor_B_2" id="FNanchor_B_2"></a><a href="#Footnote_B_2" class="fnanchor">[B]</a></p>
+
+<p>Turtle took a bill of sale of this iron from the last man in trouble, and
+turned it out to the sheriff on the execution against Whistle &amp; Sharp.</p>
+
+<p>"Now, Mr. Sheriff," said Turtle, triumphantly, "bring on your ap<i>pri</i>zers;
+a thousand dollars' worth of property to pay a little over three hundred.
+My clients, Whistle &amp; Sharp, are bunkum yet&mdash;allers stand up to the rack at
+the end of an execution. Bring on your ap<i>pri</i>zers, Mr. Sheriff."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Turtle chose an appraiser first&mdash;a second cousin<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span> of Mr. Whistle, of
+the firm of Whistle &amp; Sharp, and a man who was deeply in debt on their
+books&mdash;a bilious, weazen-faced, melancholy-looking man, who had acquired a
+great reputation for wisdom by saying nothing&mdash;whose name was Clinket. No
+one appearing to choose for the plaintiffs, the sheriff selected the other
+two. He named Mr. Troper, a seedy old fellow, whose crown was half out of
+his hat, whose beard was white, his nose red, and who had a whiskey-cough,
+and who was in the habit of visiting the barrel-tap of Whistle &amp; Sharp
+three or four times a day, in consideration of odd jobs performed by him
+around the store; also, Mr. Fatler, a chubby-faced, twinkle-eyed wag, who
+would not hesitate to perpetrate a good joke, even under oath, particularly
+upon non-residents.</p>
+
+<p>The Puddlefordians were out in mass to see Follett &amp; Co. try a run on their
+"bank." Many remarks were made.</p>
+
+<p>Bulliphant said "the cylinder alone cost five hundred dollars."</p>
+
+<p>Swipes said "it was a bully piece of stuff."</p>
+
+<p>"How much is the debt?" inquired Bates.</p>
+
+<p>"Two thirds of twelve hundred," exclaimed Turtle, loudly, "is eight
+hundred."</p>
+
+<p>"Worth the debt for old iron," said the Colonel.</p>
+
+<p>These remarks, designed for the appraisers, had their effect; they
+examined; they figured; retired for consultation; returned; retired again;
+and finally appraised the property turned out at sixteen hundred dollars;
+paying, at two thirds its <i>value</i>, the debt of Whistle &amp; Sharp, and leaving
+a very handsome surplus due them from their creditors. But I am very happy
+to be enabled<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span> to say that Whistle &amp; Sharp most magnanimously offered to
+release all <i>their</i> claim on the levy to Follett &amp; Co., if they would take
+the property, and discharge the judgment and costs, "making," as they said
+in their letter to them, "a clear profit on their part of from four to five
+hundred dollars."</p>
+
+<div class="footnotes"><h3>FOOTNOTES:</h3>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_A_1" id="Footnote_A_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_A_1"><span class="label">[A]</span></a> This is the substance of a portion of the act, as it stood in
+force some years.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_B_2" id="Footnote_B_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor_B_2"><span class="label">[B]</span></a> This is a literal fact.</p></div>
+</div>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CHAPTER XIII.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>The "Fev-Nag."&mdash;Conflicting Theories.&mdash;"Oxergin and
+Hydergin."&mdash;Teazle's Rationale.&mdash;The Scourge of the
+West.&mdash;Sile Bates, and his Condition.&mdash;Squire Longbow and
+Jim Buzzard.&mdash;Puddleford Prostrate.&mdash;Various
+Practitioners.&mdash;"The Billerous Duck."&mdash;Pioneer
+Martyrs.&mdash;Wave over Wave.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>During my first fall's residence at Puddleford, I frequently heard a
+character spoken of, who seemed to be full as famous in the annals of the
+place as Squire Longbow himself. He was called by a great variety of names,
+and very seldom alluded to with respect. He was termed the "Fev-Nag," the
+"Ag-an-Fev," the "Shakin' Ager," the "Shakes," and a great variety of other
+hard names were visited upon him.</p>
+
+<p>That he was the greatest scourge Puddleford had to contend with, no one
+denied. Who he really was, what he was, where born, and for what purpose,
+was a question. Dobbs had one theory, Short another, and Teazle still
+another. Dr. Dobbs said "that his appearance must be accounted for in this
+wise&mdash;that the marshes were all covered with water in the spring, that the
+sun began to grow so all-fir'd hot 'long 'bout July and August, that it
+cream'd over the water with a green scum, and rotted the grass, and this
+all got stewed inter a morning fog, that rose up and elated itself among
+the Ox-er-gin and Hy-der-gin, and pizened everybody it touched."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Dr. Dobbs delivered this opinion at the public house, in a very oracular
+style. I noticed several Puddlefordians in his presence at the time, and
+before he closed, their jaws dropped, and their gaping mouths and expanded
+eyes were fixed upon him with wonder.</p>
+
+<p>Dr. Teazle declared that "Dobbs didn't know anything about it. He said the
+ager was buried up in the airth, and that when the sile was turned up, it
+got loose, and folks breath'd it into their lungs, and from the lungs it
+went into the liver, and from the liver it went to the kidneys, and the
+secretions got fuzzled up, and the bile turn'd black, and the blood didn't
+run, and it set everybody's inards all a-tremblin'."</p>
+
+<p>Without attempting the origin of the ague and fever, it was, and always has
+been, the scourge of the West. It is the foe that the West has ever had to
+contend with. It delays improvement, saps constitutions, shatters the whole
+man, and lays the foundation for innumerable diseases that follow and
+finish the work for the grave. It is not only ague and fever that so
+seriously prostrates the pioneer, but the whole family of intermittent and
+remittent fevers, all results of the same cause, press in to destroy.
+Perhaps no one evil is so much dreaded. Labor, privation, poverty, are
+nothing in comparison. It is, of course, fought in a great variety of ways,
+and the remedies are as numerous as they are ridiculous. A physician who is
+really skilful in the treatment of these diseases is, of course, on the
+road to wealth, but skilful physicians were not frequent in Puddleford, as
+the reader has probably discovered.</p>
+
+<p>I recollect that, during the months of September and October, subsequently
+to my arrival, all Puddleford was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span> "down," to use the expression of the
+country; and if the reader will bear with me, and pledge himself not to
+accuse me of trifling with so serious a subject, I will endeavor to
+describe Puddleford "in distress."</p>
+
+<p>I will premise by saying that it is expected that persons who are on their
+feet during these visitations, give up their time and means to those who
+are not. There is a nobleness of soul in a western community in this
+respect that does honor to human nature. A village is one great
+family&mdash;every member must be provided for&mdash;old grudges are, for the time,
+buried.</p>
+
+<p>I have now a very vivid remembrance of seeing Sile Bates, one bright
+October morning, walking through the main street of Puddleford, at the pace
+of a funeral procession, his old winter overcoat on, and a faded shawl tied
+about his cheeks. Sile informed me "that he believed the ager was comin'
+on-ter him&mdash;that he had a spell on't the day before, and the day before
+that&mdash;that he had been a-stewin' up things to break the fits, and clean out
+his constitution, but it stuck to him like death on-ter a nigger"&mdash;he said
+"his woman and two boys were shakin' like all possess't, and he railly
+believed if somebody didn't stop it, the log-cabin would tumble down round
+their ears." He said "there warn't nobody to do nuthin' 'bout house, and
+that all the neighbors were worse off than he was."</p>
+
+<p>Sile was a melancholy object indeed. And in all conscience, reader, did you
+ever behold so solemn, woe-begone a thing on the round earth, as a man
+undergoing the full merits of ague and fever? Sile sat down on a barrel and
+commenced gaping and stretching, and now and then dropped a remark
+expressive of his condition. He finally<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span> began to chatter, and the more he
+chattered, the more ferocious he waxed. He swore "that if he ever got well,
+he'd burn his house, sell his traps, 'bandon his land, pile his family into
+his cart, hitch on his oxen, and drive 'em, and drive 'em to the north
+pole, where there warn't no ager, he knew. One minit," he said, "he was
+a-freezin', and then he was a-burnin', and then he was a-sweatin' to death,
+and then he had a well day, and that didn't 'mount to nothin', for the
+critter was only gettin' strength to jump on him agin the next." Sile at
+last exhausted himself, and getting upon his feet, went off muttering and
+shaking towards his house.</p>
+
+<p>The next man I met was Squire Longbow. The Squire was moving slower, if
+possible, than Bates. His face looked as if it had been just turned out of
+yellow oak, and his eyes were as yellow as his face. As the Squire never
+surrendered to anything, I found him not disposed to surrender to ague and
+fever. He said "he'd only had a little brush, but he'd knock it out on-him
+in a day or two. He was jist goin' out to scrape some elder bark <i>up</i>, to
+act as an emetic, as Aunt Sonora said if he scraped it <i>down</i>, it would
+have t'other effect&mdash;and that would kill it as dead as a door-nail."</p>
+
+<p>I soon overhauled Jim Buzzard, lying half asleep in the bottom of his
+canoe, brushing off flies with an oak branch. Jim, too, was a case, but it
+required something more than sickness to disturb his equilibrium. Jim said
+"he warn't sick, but he felt the awfulest tired any dog ever did&mdash;he was
+the all-thunderest cold, t'other day, <i>he</i> ever was in hot
+weather&mdash;somethin' 'nother came on ter him all of a suddint, and set his
+knees all goin', and his jaws a quiv'rin', and so he li'd down inter the
+sun, but<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span> the more he li'd, the more he kept on a shakin', and then that
+are all went off agin, and he'd be darned to gracious if he didn't think
+he'd burn up&mdash;and so he just jumped inter the river, and cool'd off&mdash;and,
+now he feel'd jist so agin&mdash;and so he'd got where the sun could strike him
+a little harder this time. What shall a feller do?" at last inquired Jim.</p>
+
+<p>"Take medicine," said I.</p>
+
+<p>"Not by a jug-full," said Jim. "Them are doctors don't get any of their
+stuff down my throat. If I can't stand it as long as the ager, then I'll
+give in. Let-er-shake if it warnts to&mdash;it works harder than I do, and will
+get tir'd byme-by. Have you a little plug by-yer jest now, as I haven't had
+a chew sin' morning, as it may help a feller some?" Jim took the tobacco,
+rolled over in his canoe, gave a grunt, and composed himself for sleep.</p>
+
+<p>This portrait of Buzzard would not be ludicrous, if it was not true.
+Whether Socrates or Plato, or any other heathen philosopher, has ever
+attempted to define this kind of happiness, is more than I can say. In
+fact, reader, I do not believe that there was one real Jim Buzzard in the
+whole Grecian republic.</p>
+
+<p>But why speak of individual cases? Nearly all Puddleford was
+prostrate&mdash;man, woman, and child. There were a few exceptions, and the aid
+of those few was nothing compared to the great demand of the sick. It was
+providential that the nature of the disease admitted of one well day,
+because there was an opportunity to "exchange works," and the sick of
+to-day could assist the sick of to-morrow, and so <i>vice versa</i>.</p>
+
+<p>I looked through the sick families, and found the patients<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span> in all
+conditions. One lady had "just broke the ager on-ter her by sax-fax tea,
+mix'd with Colombo." Another "had been a-tryin' eli-cum-paine and pop'lar
+bark, but it didn't lie good on her stomach, and made her enymost crazy."
+Another woman was "so as to be crawlin'"&mdash;another was "getting quite
+peert"&mdash;another "couldn't keep anything down, she felt so qualmly"&mdash;another
+said, "the disease was runnin' her right inter the black janders, and then
+she <i>was</i> gone"&mdash;another had "run clear of yesterday's chill, and was now
+goin' to weather it;" and so on, through scores of cases.</p>
+
+<p>It is worthy of note, the popular opinion of the character of this disease.
+Although Puddleford had been afflicted with it for years, yet it was no
+better understood by the mass of community than it was at first. I have
+already given the opinion of Dobbs and Teazle of the <i>causes</i> of the ague;
+but as Dobbs and Teazle held entirely different theories, Puddleford was
+not much enlightened by their wisdom. (If some friend will inform me when
+and where any community was ever enlightened by the <i>united</i> opinion of its
+physicians, I will publish it in my next work.) Aunt Sonora had a theory
+which was a little old, but it was hers, and she had a right to it. She
+said "nobody on airth could live with a stomach full of bile, and when the
+shakin' ager come on, you'd jest got-ter go to work and get off all the
+bile&mdash;bile <i>was</i> the ager, and physicians might talk to her till she was
+gray 'bout well folks having bile&mdash;she know'd better&mdash;twarn't no such
+thing."</p>
+
+<p>Now Aunt Sonora practised upon this theory, and the excellent old lady
+administered a cart-load of boneset<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span> every season&mdash;blows to elevate the
+bile, and the leaf as a tonic. However erroneous her theory might have
+been, I am bound to say that her practice was about as successful as that
+of the regular physician.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Beagle declared "that the ager was in the blood, and the patient must
+first get rid of all his bad blood, and then the ager would go along with
+it." Swipes said "it was all in the stomach." Dobbs said "the billerous
+duck chok'd up with the mash fogs, and the secretions went every which way,
+and the liver got as hard as sole-leather, and the patient becom' sick, and
+the ager set in, and then the fever, and the hull system got-er goin'
+wrong, and if it warn't stopped, natur'd give out, and the man would die."
+Teazle said "it com'd from the plough'd earth, and got inter the air, and
+jist so long as folks breath'd agery air, jist so long they'd have the
+ager." Turtle said "the whole tribe on 'em, men-doctors and women-doctors,
+were blockheads, and the surest way to get rid of the ager, was to let it
+run, and when it had run itself out, it would stop, and not 'afore."</p>
+
+<p>Here, then, was Puddleford at the mercy of a dozen theories, and yet men
+and women recovered, when the season had run its course, and were tolerably
+sure of health, until another year brought around another instalment of
+miasma.</p>
+
+<p>How many crops of men have been swept off by the malaria of every new
+western country, I will not attempt to calculate! How many, few persons
+have ever attempted! This item very seldom goes into the cost of
+colonization. Pioneers are martyrs in a sublime sense, and it is over their
+bones that school-houses, churches, colleges, learning, and refinement are
+finally planted.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span> But the death of a pioneer is a matter of no moment in
+our country&mdash;it is almost as trifling a thing as the death of a soldier in
+an Indian fight. There is no glory to be won on any such field. One
+generation rides over another, like waves over waves, and "no such
+miserable interrogatory," as Where has it gone? or How did it go? is put;
+but What did it do?&mdash;What has it left behind?</p>
+
+<p>Any one who has long been a resident in the West, must have noticed the
+operation of climate upon the constitution. The man from the New England
+mountains, with sinews of steel, soon finds himself flagging amid western
+miasma, and a kind of stupidity creeps over him, that it is impossible to
+shake off. The system grows torpid, the energies die, indifference takes
+possession, and thus he vegetates&mdash;he does not live.</p>
+
+<p>And, dear reader, it does not lighten the gloom of the picture to find
+Dobbs, and Teazle, and Short, quarrelling over the remains of some departed
+one, endeavoring to delude the public into something themselves have no
+conception of, about the manner in which he or she went out of the world.
+Not that all the physicians are Dobbses or Teazles, but these sketches are
+written away out on the rim of society, the rim of western society, where
+the townships are not yet all organized, and a sacred regard to truth
+compels me to record facts as they exist.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CHAPTER XIV.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Uncommonly Common Schools.&mdash;Annual School District
+Meeting.&mdash;Accounts for Contingent Expenses.&mdash;Turtle and Old
+Gulick's Boy.&mdash;"That are Glass."&mdash;The Colonel starts the
+Wheels again.&mdash;Bulliphant's Tactics.&mdash;Have we hired "Deacon
+Fluett's Darter," or not?&mdash;Isabel Strickett.&mdash;Bunker Hill
+and Turkey.&mdash;Sah-Jane Beagles.&mdash;The Question settled.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>Common schools are said to be the engine of popular liberty. I think we had
+some of the most <i>un</i>-commonly common schools, at Puddleford, that could be
+found anywhere under the wings of the American eagle. Our system was, of
+course, the same as that of all other townships in the state, but its
+administration was not in all respects what it should be. Our schools were
+managed by Puddlefordians, and they were responsible only for the talent
+which had been given them. Every citizen knows that our government is a
+piece of mechanism, made up of wheels within wheels, and while these wheels
+are in one sense totally independent, and stand still or turn as they are
+moved or let alone, yet they may indirectly affect the whole. In other
+words, our government is like a cluster of Chinese balls, curiously wrought
+within, and detached from each other, and yet it is, after all, but one
+ball. There is something beautiful in the construction and operation of
+this piece of machinery. A school district is one machine, a township
+another, a county<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span> another, and a state another&mdash;all independent
+organizations, yet every community must work its own organization. They are
+not operated afar off by some great central power, over the heads of the
+people; but they are worked <i>by</i> the people themselves, for themselves.</p>
+
+<p>However clumsily the work may be performed at first, practice makes
+perfect, and men become the masters, as well as the administrators of their
+own laws.</p>
+
+<p>We had an annual school district meeting in the village of Puddleford&mdash;and
+there were many others in the country at the same time&mdash;for the township
+was cut up into several districts, and I never attended one that did not
+end in a "row," to use a western classical expression. The business of
+these meetings was all prescribed by statute, and it amounted to settling
+and allowing the accounts of the board for the last school year, voting
+contingent fund for the next, determining whether a school should be taught
+by a male or a female teacher, and for how many months, and the election of
+new officers.</p>
+
+<p>The last meeting I attended, Longbow was in the chair by virtue of his
+office as president of the school district board. Being organized, the
+clerk of the board presented his account for contingent expenses, and
+Longbow wished to know "if the meetin' would pass 'em."</p>
+
+<p>Turtle "wanted to hear 'em read."</p>
+
+<p>Longbow said "the only account they had was in their head."</p>
+
+<p>Turtle said "that warn't 'cordin' to the staterts."</p>
+
+<p>Longbow said "he'd risk that&mdash;his word was as good as anybody's writin', or
+any statert."</p>
+
+<p>Turtle said "he'd hear what they was, but 'twarn't<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span> right, and for his
+part, he didn't b'lieve the board know'd what they'd been about for the
+last six months."</p>
+
+<p>Longbow raised his green shade from his blind eye, rose on his feet, looked
+down very ferociously upon Turtle, stamped his foot, and informed Ike "that
+this was an org'nized meetin', and he mustn't reflect on-ter the officers
+of the <i>de</i>-strict; 'twas criminal!"</p>
+
+<p>The account was then repeated by Longbow, item by item, and among the rest
+was two shillings for setting glass.</p>
+
+<p>When glass was mentioned, Turtle sprang to his feet again. "Thar, old man,"
+he exclaimed, rapping his knuckles on the desk, "thar's where I'se got
+you&mdash;thar's a breach er trust, a squand'rin' of funds, that ain't a-going
+to go down in this ere meetin'. Old Gulick's boy broke that are glass just
+out of sheer dev'ltry, and you s'pose this ere school <i>de</i>-strict is
+a-goin' to pay for't? What do you s'pose these ere staterts was passed for?
+What do you s'pose you was 'lected for? To pay for old Gulick's boy?&mdash;Well,
+I rather caklate not, by the light of this ere moon&mdash;not in this ere age of
+Puddleford."</p>
+
+<p>Squire Longbow took a large chew of plug-tobacco, which I thought he nipped
+off very short, and remained standing, with his eyes fixed on Turtle.</p>
+
+<p>Sile Bates rose, and said "he wanted to know the particulars 'bout that are
+glass."</p>
+
+<p>Longbow said "the board 'spended money in their 'scretion, and 'twarn't fur
+Turtle or Bates, or anybody else, to 'raign 'em up 'fore this 'ere
+meetin'."</p>
+
+<p>Here was a long pause. The "Colonel" finally arose, put his hand
+deliberately into his pocket, drew out a quarter, and flung it at the
+Squire, and "hop'd the meetin'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span> would go on, as it was the first public
+gathering that he ever knew blocked by twenty-five cents."</p>
+
+<p>This settled the difficulty, and the report for contingent expenses was
+adopted.</p>
+
+<p>Bulliphant then said he had a motion. He "moved that we hire Deacon
+Fluett's darter to keep our school."</p>
+
+<p>The Squire said "the meetin' couldn't hire, but it could say male or female
+teacher."</p>
+
+<p>Bulliphant "moved we hire a female, and we recommend Deacon Fluett's
+darter."</p>
+
+<p>Bates said "he jest as 'lieve have one of Fluett's two-year olds."</p>
+
+<p>The "Colonel" said "she couldn't spell Baker."</p>
+
+<p>Swipes thought "she was scarcely fit to <i>go</i> to school."</p>
+
+<p>Turtle said "the meetin' hadn't got nothin' to do with it, nohow, and the
+whole motion was agin law."</p>
+
+<p>Bulliphant, who had become a little out of humor, then "moved that we don't
+hire Deacon Fluett's darter."</p>
+
+<p>Bates declared "the motion out of order."</p>
+
+<p>The Squire said "he guess'd the motion was proper. The staterts said the
+meetin' shouldn't hire anybody, but the de-strict board should; and this
+ere motion was jest 'cordin' to statert."</p>
+
+<p>But the meeting voted down Bulliphant's motion, and Bulliphant then
+declared that the vote was "tan-ter-mount to a resolve to hire the woman."</p>
+
+<p>Here was a parliamentary entanglement that occupied an hour; but the
+"Colonel" settled it at last, by reminding the president "that it was <i>two</i>
+negatives that made one affirmative&mdash;not one;" and the Squire said "so he
+believed he had seen it laid down inter the books."</p>
+
+<p>But I cannot attempt to report the proceedings of this<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span> miscellaneous body.
+The business occupied some four or five hours, and was finally brought to a
+close. A new school board was elected, and your humble servant was one of
+the number; positively the first office that was ever visited upon him.</p>
+
+<p>The great question with two of the members of our board, in hiring a
+teacher, was the price. Qualification was secondary. The first application
+was made by a long-armed, red-necked, fiery-headed youth of about nineteen
+years, who had managed to run himself up into the world about six feet two
+inches, and who had not worn off his flesh by hard study, and who carried
+about him digestive organs as strong as the bowels of a thrashing-machine.
+He "wanted a school, 'cause he had nothing else to do in the winter
+months."</p>
+
+<p>He was accordingly introduced to our School Inspectors; the only one of
+whom I knew was Bates. The other two were rather more frightened at the
+presentation than the applicant himself.</p>
+
+<p>Bates proposed first to try the gentleman in geography and history.
+"Where's Bunker Hill?" inquired Bates, authoritatively.</p>
+
+<p>"Wal, 'bout that," said Strickett&mdash;our applicant called his name Izabel
+Strickett&mdash;"'bout that, why, it's where the battle was fit, warn't it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Jes so," replied Bates; "and where was that?"</p>
+
+<p>"Down at the east'ard."</p>
+
+<p>"Who did the fightin' there?"</p>
+
+<p>"Gin'rul Washington fit all the revolution."</p>
+
+<p>"Where's Spain?"</p>
+
+<p>"Where?" repeated Strickett&mdash;"Spain? where is it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes! where?"</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 498px;">
+<img src="images/i-004.jpg" width="498" height="650" alt="JIM BUZZARD AND THE AGER.
+
+&quot;Them &#39;ere doctors don&#39;t get any of their stuff down my throat. If I can&#39;t
+stand it as long as the ager, then I&#39;ll give in.&quot;&mdash;Page 186." title="" />
+<span class="caption">JIM BUZZARD AND THE AGER.<br />
+
+&quot;Them &#39;ere doctors don&#39;t get any of their stuff down my throat. If I can&#39;t
+stand it as long as the ager, then I&#39;ll give in.&quot;&mdash;Page 186.</span>
+</div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Wal, now," exclaimed Strickett, looking steadily on the floor, "I'll be
+darn'd if that ere hain't just slipped my mind."</p>
+
+<p>"Where's Turkey?"</p>
+
+<p>"O, yes," said Strickett, "Turkey&mdash;the place they <i>call</i> Turkey&mdash;if you'd
+ask'd me in the street, I'd told you right off, but I've got so fruster'd I
+don't know nothin';" and thinking a moment, he exclaimed, "it's where the
+Turks live. I thought I know'd."</p>
+
+<p>"How many States are there in the Union?"</p>
+
+<p>"'Tween twenty-live and thirty&mdash;throwin' out Canady."</p>
+
+<p>Bates then attempted an examination in reading and spelling. "Spell hos!"
+said Bates.</p>
+
+<p>"H&mdash;o&mdash;s."</p>
+
+<p>"Thunder!" roared Bates. Bates <i>did</i> know how to spell horse. He had seen
+notices of stray horses, and a horse was the most conspicuous object in
+Puddleford, excepting, of course, Squire Longbow. "H&mdash;o&mdash;s! that's a
+hos-of-a-way to spell hos!" and Bates looked at Strickett very severely,
+feeling a pride of his own knowledge.</p>
+
+<p>Strickett said "he us'd the book when he teach'd school&mdash;he didn't teach
+out of his head&mdash;and he didn't believe the 'spectors themselves could spell
+Ompompanoosuck right off, without getting stuck."</p>
+
+<p>Izabel's examination was something after this sort, through the several
+English branches; yet a majority of the Board of School Inspectors decided
+to give him a certificate, if we said so, as he was to teach our school,
+and we were more interested than they in his qualifications; and whether
+the Inspectors knew what his qualifications<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span> really were, "this deponent
+saith not." Strickett "sloped."</p>
+
+<p>The next application was by letter. The epistle declared that the applicant
+"brok'd his arm inter a saw-mill, and he couldn't do much out-door work
+till it heal'd up agin, and if we'd hire him to carry on our school, he
+tho't he would make it go well 'nough,"&mdash;but the School Board decided that
+all-powerful as sympathy might be, it could scarcely drive a district
+school under such orthography, syntax, and prosody.</p>
+
+<p>Next appeared Mrs. Beagle, in behalf of her "Sah-Jane." "She know'd
+Sah-Jane, and she know'd Sah-Jane was jist the thing for the Puddleford
+school; and if we only know'd Sah-Jane as well as she know'd Sah-Jane, we'd
+have her, cost what it might." She said "Sah-Jane was a most s'prisin'
+gal&mdash;she hung right to her books, day <i>and</i> night&mdash;and she know'd she had a
+sleight at teachin'. Mr. Giblett's folks told Mr. Brown's folks, so she
+heer'd, that if they ever <i>did</i> get Sah-Jane into that ere school, she'd
+make a buzzin' that would tell some."</p>
+
+<p>Sah-Jane's case was, however, indefinitely postponed. Some objections,
+among other things, on the score of age, were suggested. This roused the
+wrath of Mrs. Beagle, and she "guessed her Sah-Jane was old enough to teach
+a Puddleford school&mdash;if she tho't she warn't, she'd bile her up in-ter
+soap-grease, and sell her for a shillin' a quart!&mdash;and as for the
+<i>de</i>-strict board, they'd better go to a school-marm themselves, and larn
+somethin', or be 'lected over agin, she didn't care which;" and Mrs. Beagle
+left at a very quick step, her face much flushed and full of cayenne and
+vengeance.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>There were a great many more applications, and at last the board hired&mdash;I
+say the <i>board</i>&mdash;<i>I</i> didn't. But the other members overruled me, and price,
+not qualification, settled the question at last.</p>
+
+<p>This was the way the machinery was worked in our school district, during
+the very early days of Puddleford. As the stream never rises above the
+fountain-head, education was quite feeble. But we do better now&mdash;there is
+less friction on our gudgeons, and if Puddleford should turn out a
+President one of these days, it would be nothing more than what our
+glorious institutions have before "ground out" under more discouraging
+circumstances.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CHAPTER XV.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Venison Styles again.&mdash;Sermon on Nature.&mdash;Funeral Songs of
+the Birds.&mdash;Their Flight and Return.&mdash;His Theory of
+Government.&mdash;Sakoset.&mdash;The Indians.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>Venison Styles, rough and rugged as he was, had acquired much knowledge in
+a wild way, and could, in that way, stagger a philosopher. No man had a
+nicer insight into nature. Birds and brooks, hills and valleys, trees and
+flowers, were all his study. He had no faith in science, except just so far
+as it came within his own experience. "Book larnin'," he said, "was all
+very well; but lookin' natur' in the face, and listening to what she said,
+was a deal better." I remember one of his sermons, which he delivered to me
+one bright October afternoon, when the woods were all russet and gold, the
+squirrels chattering in the trees, the nuts dropping, the partridges
+whirring and drumming, and the soft autumnal light was faintly struggling
+along the aisles of the forest. "You see," said Venison, "how all natur' is
+talkin', and if you will only listen, can tell enymost what she says.
+There," he continued, "just hear that robin pecking away on that ere coke
+bush. Hear him pipe away so melancholy-like&mdash;'All goin'! all goin'!' he
+says. How low and fine that yaller-bird sings&mdash;a kinder fun'ral song. The
+jay is sad-like, and acts just as<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span> though he felt winter comin'. That crow,
+sailin' through the air, croaks awful gloomy-like and holler&mdash;and all these
+ere crickets and insects jine in so sad and downcast. 'Tain't their spring
+song. They are down onter another key now. They begin to feel frost inter
+their bones. They know what's comin'."</p>
+
+<p>"Know!" said I; "what do birds know about winter, till it comes." I wanted
+to draw the old philosopher out.</p>
+
+<p>"Know! know!" continued Venison. "Birds think and talk&mdash;yes, they
+do&mdash;<i>they</i> know. I've heerd 'em talk to one another, from tree-top to
+tree-top, across these woods many a time&mdash;lay plans many a day. What makes
+'em flockin' around us to-day, and soarin' around in companies, if they
+don't understand each other? They go round and round for a week or two,
+visit this wood and that, jabber, and fret, and fume, pick up a straggler
+here, 'nother there, and when they get a good ready, and are flock'd, off
+they go, travellin' south. Hain't they got col'nels, captins, and
+laws?&mdash;they are jest as much of a body as our school de-strict is, and
+every bird knows what he is about, what he is going to do, and how, too."</p>
+
+<p>"Why don't all the blackbirds go into one flock, Venison?" said I.</p>
+
+<p>"There 'tis! there 'tis!" replied Venison; "if 'twas all chance, they
+would. But it jest ain't chance. Natur' has 'lowed them to fix it. There,"
+he continued, "goes a flock now&mdash;they've got a captin among 'em, leading
+'em on&mdash;he knows every one under him&mdash;and they are jest around visitin'
+their friends before goin' off&mdash;that's all."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Do you think they will come back again, Venison?" I inquired.</p>
+
+<p>"Back again! back again!" he exclaimed, looking up to me with surprise.
+"Why, man, this is their home&mdash;they were born 'here. This is their ground,
+hereabouts. They know every tree, and mash, and river for miles 'round.
+You'll hear 'em chatterin' and gabblin' by next April 'gain."</p>
+
+<p>"Doubtful," I replied.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, now," said Venison, "I've tried that. Down to where I live, the
+blackbirds and robins are thick as spatter. They make it all ring round me.
+I caught a dozen or more of each in a net one fall, cut off one toe all
+round, and let 'em go. Jim Spikes bet they wouldn't come back; I bet they
+would. I wanted to try it, you see. When spring came on again there the
+fellers were, sure enough, or most on 'em, on hand, ready for summer's
+business again. Jim gin in&mdash;he did."</p>
+
+<p>"I should think they would stray away, Venison," said I.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't you believe in a God!" broke out Venison, in an animated tone. "When
+He made 'em, He put a compass inter their heads that can't get out of fix,
+and they run jest as straight by it as my dog does by his nose&mdash;and a dog's
+nose is <i>his</i> compass, you know."</p>
+
+<p>This was a quaint, but a very pointed way, of illustrating a law of nature.
+Venison was a quaint man, and drove at a conclusion frequently cross lots,
+by some startling figure of speech.</p>
+
+<p>"And I've got an idee," continued Venison, "an idee&mdash;I don't put it down as
+fact&mdash;that birds know one another, jest as we do&mdash;remember each other from
+y'ar<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span> to y'ar&mdash;how they sang together last y'ar and every y'ar in the
+shadows and sunshine of this old wood, and nested and raised their young
+'uns together&mdash;and they kinder bid good by to one 'nother when they go off
+in the fall, and say How are you? when spring comes on&mdash;and may be they
+have their likes and dislikes, and old grudges to bring up agin&mdash;for there
+is a world of human natur' in 'em&mdash;a world on't&mdash;it is only an idee&mdash;can't
+say&mdash;but I believe it&mdash;but,"&mdash;and the old hunter turned round with a sad
+look,&mdash;"they won't roam round here much longer; the big trees are tumblin';
+the old seventy-sixers are enymost gone; morn'er twenty y'ars ago they were
+mighty noisy up in that ar oak (he pointed to an enormous oak stump), but
+the varmints heeved it down, and made it inter lumber&mdash;the old tree that
+liv'd and rock'd in the storms five hundred years, I reckon; the bees and
+birds all knew it, and jest hung around it 'cause they lov'd it. I have had
+many a good shot from it. I heerd it crash when it came down&mdash;felt it, I
+did&mdash;feel it yet&mdash;the varmints."</p>
+
+<p>"But," said I, with an effort to turn the current of the old man's
+thoughts, "you really believe that birds have their captains and colonels,
+and all that, do you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir! and mor'n that; kings and queens, for aught I know. It's a king
+that leads the ducks in their flight, ain't it? Hain't you heer'd him blow
+his horn, away in the sky, as he led 'em on up the rivers and takes? Don't
+the bees have their queen?"</p>
+
+<p>Venison launched forth in his peculiar style on the theory of government,
+despotic and republican&mdash;maintained that God "hadn't any republics" in his
+kingdom&mdash;"all on 'em kings and queens&mdash;nobody was 'lected<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span> there&mdash;all on
+'em were made from the beginning to rule and reign over their subjects." He
+maintained that as God was almighty, so he put almighty power in the rulers
+of the kingdoms under him. Therefore&mdash;such was his argument&mdash;"man orter be
+governed by man"&mdash;not by the voice of the people, but by a sovereign higher
+than himself. His arguments and language were home-made, but his ideas were
+brought out with great point and force.</p>
+
+<p>I had long known that Venison was well posted on the trees and shrubs,
+flowers, and even the weeds. Nothing that he had ever observed had failed
+him. Probably he never read a book on the subject in his life, that is, if
+he could read. The familiar names of all creation were understood by him,
+and he had his own theories about everything animate and inanimate. I
+started him off on this subject. I called his attention to the oak over
+which he shed a tear, and by degrees drew him along to the time when the
+axe and the plough would change the whole face of the country around us
+into hamlets, green pastures, and waving fields of grain. The old man
+looked solemn. The subject was not pleasant to him&mdash;he heaved a sigh, and
+said, finally, "'Tis all the same! 'tis all the same with me! I shall be
+under the ground then! I don't wanter live to see it."</p>
+
+<p>He rallied, and went on&mdash;"They've enymost spilt it now. When I was young, I
+could see a deer a mile away&mdash;no underbrush to shade my rifle. The deer,
+too, look'd grander like, somehow, than they do now. They had a freedom in
+'em. They seemed to know the woods was theirs. They kinder go sneakin'
+round now, as though some critter was arter 'em. This stream was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span> filled
+with ducks, flappin' their wings, and washin' themselves; and many a time
+I've heer'd 'em, jest as the sun was a-settin', talkin' to themselves, and
+gettin' ready to go to bed. But the settlers came in, dammed the river, and
+down came the sawdust, and it roar'd and rattled 'em all away. The
+partridges used to drum and drum in the still afternoon, and whirr
+about&mdash;and they are gone, too. I don't believe natur' likes to be
+disturbed. She sorter rebels agin the plough at first. She allers sends up
+coke and bramble when the furrows are first made&mdash;fights it as well as she
+can, till they get her under, and put her inter what they call crops. The
+Lord made the airth well enough to begin with. He knew what we wanted. He
+gave us airth and sky, woods and water&mdash;birds and fish to eat&mdash;and it all
+rais'd itself, and enough on't, too. This thing they call civ'lation is
+right agin natur'. It makes poor young men and wim'in'. They hain't got no
+stuff in 'em&mdash;they can't do anythin'&mdash;they are peepin' round, full of pain
+of every sort&mdash;full of rheumatiz, agers, janders, and all sorter ails. I've
+gone morn'er twenty miles a day, loaded with game, and not a tired hair in
+me&mdash;can do it agin." And thus Venison preached, too much and too long for
+me to record in full.</p>
+
+<p>Venison continued, and declared that "there was enough of everything just
+as it was." He attempted to show that there were seeds of life deep in the
+earth, planted there from the beginning, that came forth in due time, and
+replenished the earth. He never "see'd any coke till they ploughed a
+furrow, and built that ere rail fence"&mdash;"and down in that ere breakin'
+(which I saw had been neglected, and was overgrown heavily), the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span>
+blackberries and ten thousand other things were comin' up." He said he
+"would jest like to know where all that seed had been lyin' since the world
+was made&mdash;how long it would have laid, he'd jest like ter know, if that ere
+plough hadn't stirred up the sile." And thus he attempted to illustrate his
+theory of vegetation.</p>
+
+<p>"Not only the trees, but the Injuns were goin'. 'Tain't as 'twas with 'em
+when they went a-whoopin' around among the streams and woods. I've see'd
+mor'n nor forty canoes sailing away here on this river at on'st&mdash;and then
+we had raal Injuns&mdash;tall, six-foot fellers, with eyes like the eagle. But
+they, too, are pinin' out like. The white man, and the white man's ways,
+and the white man's drink, has taken all the tuck out on 'em. They know,
+what are left on 'em, that they ain't raal Injuns any more. They don't
+whoop any more. They hang about the towns a while, and get full of pizen,
+and then slink away silently inter the forest again. Sometimes, when
+huntin' season comes on, they fire up, and chase the game, but it is kinder
+melancholy, after all&mdash;like a flame jest spirtin' out a minute from a
+charr'd and half-burning log. There's old Sakoset (I've known him enymost
+on to forty years), was jest as much of a king, and had jest as much of a
+throne, as old George Third ever had. He lov'd his tribe, and they lov'd
+him. His word was law. These were all his grounds for a hundred miles
+round. I know it warn't mark'd off into counties, townships, and school
+de-stricts. They didn't have any place to file away papers, nor didn't
+write everythin' they did in books&mdash;but they had their laws jest as well,
+all written down inter their heads; and they knew their history&mdash;they had,
+what white men call their traditions&mdash;they<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span> knew all about their fathers
+and grandfathers, and great-great-grandfathers&mdash;and old Sakoset was their
+chief. He was six feet three inches by measure, and as straight as that
+'ere hickory. He was knit all over as tight as an oak. He was as hansome as
+a picter, and I've seen him in council, when I tho't he was the noblest
+lookin' mortal on this airth. And there warn't no man, no gov'ment (Venison
+grew excited here) that had as good a right to these 'ere grounds as
+Sakoset. God gave 'em to him, and the white man stole 'em away, stole 'em,
+sir!&mdash;stole 'em. Yes, sir! they passed a law that they should be removed
+'yond the 'Sippi&mdash;gave 'em huntin' grounds, as they call 'em&mdash;drove 'em
+together like scar'd sheep, and forc'd 'em away from their own sile. But
+old Sakoset didn't like his new home, wouldn't stay, and he and a few of
+his tribe straggled back here agin, and now wander round these woods. But
+he ain't the same man any more; he's all broke down like; 'tain't the same
+place to him, he says. The stream winds round the hill yet, and the
+mountain is there, but the forest is mostly down, and the white man is
+everywhere. Sakoset says but little; goes round dreamin'-like; hangs about
+alone in the woods, a-thinkin', and sees in his mind his tribe all before
+him as it was when he was king over them on these grounds. I saw him a few
+days ago up in the Injun buryin'-ground sittin' so still, I first tho't he
+was a monerment somebody had put up&mdash;but 'twas Sakoset."</p>
+
+<p>Venison was here attracted by the roar of a gun, and a deer rushed past,
+breaking his discourse, and we both followed the hunter and the hunted, to
+see how the chase would end&mdash;saw the deer plunge into the river, the dogs
+after him, and I watched them until they floated away around the bend
+beyond my sight.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CHAPTER XVI.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Some Account of John Smith.&mdash;Nicknames.&mdash;Progress of the
+Age.&mdash;The Colonel's Opinion of Science.&mdash;John Smith's
+Dream.&mdash;Ike Turtle's Dream.&mdash;Ike takes the Boots.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>Pioneers&mdash;men who grow up in the woods&mdash;are famous for luxuriant
+imaginations. Everything, with them, is on a sweeping scale with the
+natural objects amid which they dwell. The rivers, and lakes, and plains
+are great, and seem to run riot&mdash;so men sometimes run riot too, in thought,
+and word, and deed. They deal largely in the extravagant, and do
+extravagant things in an extravagant way.</p>
+
+<p>I have seen a rusty pioneer, when giving his opinion upon some trite
+matter, garnish his language with imagery and figures, and clothe himself
+with an action, that Demosthenes would have copied, if he had met with such
+in his day. Gestures all graceful, eye all fire, language rough, but
+strong, and an enthusiasm that was magnetic&mdash;a kind of unpremeditated
+natural eloquence, that many a one has sought for, but never found.</p>
+
+<p>John Smith was an ingenious Puddlefordian in the way of story-telling. He
+was almost equal to Ike Turtle. John was a great, stalwart, double-breasted
+fellow, who cared for nothing, not even himself; a compound made up of
+dare-devil ferocity, benevolence, and impudence.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span> His feelings, whether of
+the higher or lower order, always ran to excess. He was an importation from
+Massachusetts, of fair education, and, from his recklessness of life, had
+drifted into Puddleford, like many other tempest-tossed vessels, stripped
+of spars and rigging. Smith's fancy and imagination were always at work. He
+had nicknamed two thirds of Puddleford, and there was something
+characteristic in the appellations bestowed. One small-eyed man, he called
+"Pink-Eye;" another, a bustling fellow, who made a very great noise on a
+very small capital, was known as "Bumble-bee;" another, a long-shanked,
+loose-jointed character, was "Giraffe;" Squire Longbow he christened "Old
+Night-Shade." Turtle was known as "Sky-Rocket;" Bates as "Little Coke;" the
+Colonel as "Puff-Ball." Indeed, not one man in twenty was recognized by his
+true name, so completely had Smith invested the people with titles of his
+own manufacture.</p>
+
+<p>I recollect one of Smith's flights of imagination&mdash;one among many&mdash;for I
+cannot write out all his mental productions.</p>
+
+<p>The Puddlefordians were met, as usual, at Bulliphant's. That was the place,
+we have seen, where all public opinion was created. Turtle, and Longbow,
+and Bates, and the whole roll, even down to Jim Buzzard, were present. The
+progress of the age was the subject.</p>
+
+<p>Turtle thought "there was no cac'latin' what things would come to&mdash;steam
+and ingin-rubber were runnin' one etarnal race, and he guess'd they'd lay
+all opposition to the land, and bring on the millennium."</p>
+
+<p>Bates said "the sciences were doin' sunthin', but <i>they'd</i> never make
+anybody better&mdash;human natur' was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span> so shockin' wicked, that it would require
+a heap mor'n injin-rubber to <i>rejuvify</i> 'em."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Longbow requested Bates "to repeat that 'ere last word agin."</p>
+
+<p>Bates said "it was '<i>rejuvify</i>'&mdash;that is, 'drag out,' 'resurrect.'"</p>
+
+<p>The Squire thanked Bates for his explanation.</p>
+
+<p>The Colonel said there was such a thing as too much science. He professed
+to have lived a scientific life&mdash;that is, without work&mdash;but all the while
+he found some one a little more scientific, and he had never been able to
+hold his own anywhere. He had been stranded fourteen times in his life,
+owing to a press of science brought against him; but the most destructive
+science in the known world was that for the collection of debts. It
+deprived men of their liberty, their comforts, their property, their
+friends; and the manner in which this was all done was barbarous. He defied
+any man to produce as cool-blooded a thing as an execution at law, which
+was a branch of legal science.</p>
+
+<p>Squire Longbow said&mdash;"A <i>fiery facius</i> (<i>fieri facias</i>) was one of the most
+ancientest writs which he issued, and there warn't nothin' cool-blooded or
+ramptious about it."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Smith sat silently up to this point in the debate. "Boys," said he, at
+last, "the world is goin' ahead. Talkin' of science, let me tell you a
+dream I had last night." But, if the reader will permit me, I will give the
+substance of Smith's dream in my own language. It may detract from its
+point, but it will be more connected and intelligible.</p>
+
+<p>"I dreamed, boys," said Smith, "that I was in the great Patent Office, at
+Washington. I looked, and its<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span> ceiling was raised to an enormous height,
+while through open doors and passages I saw room after room groaning with
+thousands of models, until it appeared as though I was in a wilderness of
+machinery. Very soon a pert little gentleman, with a quick black eye, and a
+'pussy' body, arrayed in the queerest costume I ever saw, came bustling up
+to me, and asked me for my ticket. I involuntarily thrust my hand into the
+depths of my breeches-pocket, and pulling out a card, delivered it to him.
+After looking at the card, and then at me, and then at the card again, he
+burst out into a loud guffaw, that made the old Patent-Office ring. 'Why,
+sir,' said he, '<i>this</i> is no ticket. It is the business card of one John
+Smith, advertising a patent dog-churn, of which he here says he is the real
+inventor, and it bears date in the year 1840&mdash;two hundred years ago! The
+churn may be found in room marked "Inventions of Year 1840," but the man
+John Smith we haven't got. I don't much think he is around above ground,
+just at this time," said the little man, chuckling. 'But,' said I, 'who are
+you, if I am not John Smith? Were you not appointed by Polk, Secretary of
+the Interior, and did I not put a word in his ear favorable to you?' 'Polk,
+a Secretary of the Interior!' exclaimed he; 'I appointed by Polk! Why, my
+dear sir, I was appointed only two years ago&mdash;not two hundred!&mdash;"Chief of
+the Great Central Department," as the office is now called.'</p>
+
+<p>"While we were talking, Franklin, Adams, Jefferson, and Fulton, walked in
+and took seats. I knew Uncle Ben the moment I cast my eyes upon him. He was
+dressed in good old '76 style;&mdash;shoe-buckles, short breeches, queue, and
+all; and that same jolly, round face,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span> and double chin, that tranquil
+countenance just touched, without being destroyed, by comedy&mdash;were all
+there. Adams and Jefferson I had before seen, and they were a little more
+modern in dress, but they both looked care-worn. Fulton sat apart, and eyed
+the other three as though he had seen them somewhere, but yet could not
+call them by name.</p>
+
+<p>"The rather unexpected arrival of these gentlemen broke up the comments of
+my bustling interrogator, and one of those pauses occurred which frequently
+do upon the appearance of strangers. Uncle Ben asked Jefferson if he would
+'not like to move up to the fire and warm his feet?' 'Fire!' said I, 'fire.
+Why, Uncle Ben, there is no fireplace now-a-days. Stoves and hot-air
+furnaces are all the go. This building is warmed by a great furnace, and
+two miles of pipe that conducts the heat to every room in it.' 'Not by a
+long way,' said my bustling friend&mdash;'not by a long way, Mr. John Smith.
+This trumpery is all piled away among the inventions of the years that
+were. These things belong to the age of your dog-churn. Why, gentlemen,'
+continued he, 'have you never heard of the Great Southern Hot-Air Company,
+chartered in 1960, whose business it is to furnish warm air from the South
+to persons at the North; price to families three dollars a year; all done
+by a gigantic underground tunnel, and branches, worked at the other end by
+an air-pump! Have you never heard of <i>this</i>, gentlemen? Here we get the
+natural heat of the South, warmed by the sun; none of your stinking coal
+and wood gases to corrupt and destroy it. And then the principle of
+reciprocity is kept up; for we send back our cold air in the same way; and
+so we keep up an equilibrium, for the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span> South are just as strenuous as ever
+to keep up the equilibrium of the Union. Why, gentlemen, those stoves
+required constant care. As often as every week it was necessary to
+replenish them with wood or coal. No! no!&mdash;those improvements belonged to
+the dark ages."</p>
+
+<p>"Bless me!" exclaimed Uncle Ben. "Impossible!" repeated Fulton. "And so you
+don't use the old 'Franklin' stove any more?" said Uncle Ben. "Perhaps," he
+continued, a quiet smile playing over his face, as if he intended a comical
+shot, "perhaps you don't use lightning now-a-days either, and my
+lightning-rods, of course, belong to the dark ages too!"</p>
+
+<p>"We have the lightning, and use it too, but only one rod, built by the
+state, near its centre, which is so colossal and powerful that it protects
+everything around it." And then the little fellow rattled on about the
+<i>use</i> of lightning; how it wrote all over the world the English language,
+until I verily believe that Uncle Ben, Fulton, and all, set him down as the
+most unscrupulous liar that they had ever met with.</p>
+
+<p>"I think," said Uncle Ben, "that I could convince myself of the truth of
+your assertions, if I could go to Boston; but as my time is very limited, I
+cannot."</p>
+
+<p>"Send you there in five minutes by the watch!" answered the little man;
+"or, if that's too soon, in twenty-four hours. It requires powerful lungs
+to go by balloon&mdash;time five minutes&mdash;departure every half hour. The
+magnetic railway train will take you through in four hours, or on the
+old-fashioned railroad in twenty-four." "What," said Uncle Ben, "is the old
+stage company entirely broken up?" "Don't know what you mean by stages,"
+said the little man, "but I will look for the word<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span> in the big dictionary."
+"Go by steamboat," said Fulton. "Steamboat!" repeated the little
+man,&mdash;"steamboat! too everlasting slow&mdash;not over twenty-five miles an
+hour&mdash;well enough for freight, but passengers cannot endure them; they go
+laboring and splashing along at a snail's pace, and they are enough to wear
+out any man's patience. Yet the steamboat was the greatest stride ever made
+at any one time in the way of locomotion, and was very creditable to Fulton
+and the age in which he lived." "That is admitting something," burst out
+Fulton, who had sat like a statue, watching the little man's volubility.
+"But," said Uncle Ben, "all this talk don't get me on my way to Boston.
+That is my birthplace. I was there for the last time in 1763, and you know
+that, according to the provisions of my will, there is more than four
+million pounds sterling of my money which has by this time been disposed of
+by the state somehow." Uncle Ben was always a shrewd fellow in the way of
+dollars and cents, and I could see he was very anxious about that money.
+"Oho! oho!" said the little man; "so you are Ben Franklin, and you are the
+old gentleman who left that legacy. We've got a portrait of you up-stairs,
+more than two hundred years old, and it <i>does</i> look like you. Glad to see
+you! You said something in your life-time about immersing yourself in a
+cask of Madeira wine with a few friends, and coming to the world in a
+hundred years again. These are your friends, I suppose?" "These gentlemen,"
+replied Uncle Ben, "are John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, signers of the
+Declaration of Independence." "The other gentleman," continued I, "is
+Robert Fulton, whom you have spoken of." "Well, I declare!" ejaculated the
+little man, "this <i>is</i> a meeting! But about<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span> that legacy, Uncle Ben, of
+yours; two million sterling of it has gone to build the Gutta Percha
+Magnetic Telegraph line, connecting Boston with London and Paris, two of
+the largest cities in the Eastern Republic of Europe." "Gutta
+Percha!&mdash;Magnetic telegraph!&mdash;<i>Republic</i> of Europe!"&mdash;repeated all of them.
+"All built under water, and sustained by buoys," continued the little man,
+"and it works to a charm&mdash;plan up-stairs in room 204&mdash;and can be seen in a
+moment; and, as I told you before, it writes the English language as fast
+as my deputy." "Republic of Europe!" exclaimed Jefferson, again. "Yes,
+sir," said the little man, "for more than a century. No more thrones; no
+more rulers by divine right; no more governments sustained by powder and
+ball; no lords nor nobles; man is <i>man</i>, not merely one of a <i>class</i> of
+men, but <i>individually</i> man, with rights as perfect and powers as great as
+any other man. The principles, Jefferson, of your Declaration, which you
+did not create, but only asserted, have prostrated every arbitrary
+government on the globe. Even the Jews, since their return to Jerusalem,
+have organized a republican form of government, and have just elected Mr.
+Noah President." "Well," thinks I to myself, "that can't be <i>Mordecia M.</i>
+Noah, anyhow, for politics must have used up his constitution before this."
+But the little man chattered away, and declared that Europe was divided
+into two republics, the Eastern and Western; that Constantinople was the
+capital of the Western; that Africa and Asia were also republican; until
+the three signers of the Declaration, perfectly wrought up to a frenzy of
+joy, rose up from their seats, took off their hats, and swinging them
+round, gave "Three cheers for '76, and the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span> old Army of the
+Revolution!"&mdash;and I verily believe Uncle Ben forgot all about that money,
+and about going to Boston, for he did not allude to it any more in my
+presence.</p>
+
+<p>"Great changes these!" continued the little man, "from your days. But you
+must not think, gentlemen, that we have forgotten you or your services,
+while we have improved in wisdom and strength. Look here, gentlemen," and
+he motioned us away, and, leading on, he conducted us to an observatory on
+the top of the building. Such a prospect I never before beheld. Away,
+around, on every side, stretched a mighty city, whose limits the eye could
+not reach. Towers, temples, spires, and masts succeeded towers, temples,
+spires, and masts, until they were lost in the distant haze. Canals
+traversed every street, and boats of merchandise were loading and unloading
+their freights. Steam-carriages were puffing along the roads that ran by
+the canal, some filled with pleasure parties, and some laden with goods.
+Turning my eye to an elevation, I saw fifty-six gigantic monuments, whose
+peaks were nearly lost in the sky, ranged in a line, all alike in form and
+sculpture. "These," said the little man, "were erected to the Signers of
+the Declaration of Independence;" and, taking out his telescope, he handed
+it to Uncle Ben, who read aloud among the inscriptions the names, <span class="smcap">Franklin</span>,
+<span class="smcap">Jefferson</span>, <span class="smcap">Adams</span>. "But let us know what this city is called?" inquired
+Jefferson. "This, sir, is called <i>Columbiana</i>; it lies on the west bank of
+the Mississippi, population five millions, according to the last census."
+"But what supports it?" "Supports it! The great East India trade. That
+vessel down there is direct from Canton, by ship canal across the Isthmus.
+All Europe is secondary to us now. No<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span> doubling capes, as was done in
+<i>your</i> day. Yonder stands the Capitol; and the whole North American
+continent is annually represented there. The city of San Francisco alone
+sends forty-four members. There," continued he, pointing his finger, "that
+balloon rising slowly in the sky has just started for that place, and the
+passengers will take their dinner there to-morrow."</p>
+
+<p>Jefferson asked the little man "whether the Federalists or Democrats were
+in power?"&mdash;and I saw that Adams waked up when he heard the question.
+"Don't know any such division," replied he. "The great measure of the day,
+upon which parties are divided, is the purchase of the South American
+continent at five hundred millions of dollars. I go for it; and before
+another year the bargain will be consummated. We <i>must</i> have more
+territory&mdash;we haven't got half enough. Extent of territory gives a nation
+dignity and importance. The old thirteen states of your day, gentlemen,
+were a mere cabbage patch, and should have been consolidated into one
+state. Ten or twenty days' sail ran you plump into a hostile port, and then
+you had a demand for duty. Besides, conflicting interests always brew up
+difficulties; and then come treaties, and finally war, and then debt, and
+at last oppressive taxation. A nation should own all the territory that
+joins it. The ocean is the only natural boundary for a people." Thinks I,
+"You have been a politician in your day, and I'll just engage you to
+correspond with a certain New York editor, who shall be nameless; you
+strike off the doctrine boldly!"</p>
+
+<p>Uncle Ben told the little man, after he closed, that a nation might "get so
+very ripe as to become a little rotten; and, if he had no objection, he
+would present him<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span> with the 'Sayings of Poor Richard.'" And, suiting the
+action to the word, he pushed his hand into his breeches-pocket, and pulled
+out an old almanac, printed at Philadelphia in 1732, and, bowing, handed it
+to him. The little man thanked him, and promised to deposit it in the
+Museum, as a curious piece of antiquity.</p>
+
+<p>"Getting somewhat anxious for a smoke, I drew forth a cigar and
+'loco-foco,' rubbed the latter across my boot, which flashed out its light
+full in Uncle Ben's face. 'That is nice,' exclaimed he; 'rather an
+improvement on the old string, wheel, and tinder plan.' 'Simple, too, isn't
+it?' said I; 'and yet all the science of your day didn't detect it.' Just
+then I gave a puff, which made Uncle Ben sneeze; and he broke out into a
+tirade against tobacco that would read well. But I told him there was no
+use; men had smoked and chewed the weed&mdash;would smoke and chew it, economy
+or no economy, health or no health, filth or no filth; and that in all
+probability the last remnant of the great American Republic, for succeeding
+nations to gaze at, would be a plug of tobacco; for I sincerely believed
+that tobacco would outlive the government itself.</p>
+
+<p>"The little man proposed returning into the Patent Office, and exhibiting
+to us in detail the models of art there deposited. But I cannot weary you
+with what I there saw. The fruits of every year, since the organization of
+the department, were divided into rooms, and indicated on the door by an
+inscription. There were thousands of improvements in every branch of
+science, many of which were so simple, that I thought myself a fool that I
+did not discover them long ago. Principles were applied, the very operation
+of which I now recollected<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span> to have often seen, yet without a thought of
+their practical utility. I came to the conclusion that accident was the
+parent of more that I saw than design; 'for how,' reasoned I, 'is it
+possible that these pieces of machinery could otherwise have escaped the
+great men who have lived and died in ignorance of them?'</p>
+
+<p>"By this time we were quite fatigued, and Uncle Ben complained a little of
+the 'stone,' which he said he was subject to. The little man gave him some
+'Elixir of Life,' as he called it, being, as he said, 'an extract of the
+nutritious portions of meats and vegetables, purged from their grossness as
+found in their natural state;' and while we were sipping it, he launched
+forth upon its great benefit to mankind; the money saved that used to be
+expended in cookery and transportation&mdash;millions upon millions; the great
+economy in time, formerly squandered in eating, &amp;c., &amp;c.; and he wound up
+his eulogy by presenting each of us with a bottle, which I carefully put
+away in my pocket.</p>
+
+<p>"Adams then rose up, and said he must leave, and Jefferson, Uncle Ben, and
+Fulton followed. And in a moment Uncle Ben, Fulton, Adams, Jefferson, the
+little man, the apartments, wheels, and machinery, began to rock, and
+heave, and fade, and finally dissolve; and suddenly I awoke!"</p>
+
+<p>"You <i>did</i> awake!" exclaimed the Colonel, drawing a breath all the way from
+his boots; "I should have thought you would."</p>
+
+<p>Bates gave a yawn, and throwing his quid into the fire, called for a glass
+of whiskey and water, saying he would "try to choke down the story with
+<i>that</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Longbow sat perfectly magnetized&mdash;his arms folded<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a></span> across his breast, his
+chin dropped, his legs resting on his boot-heels, and pushed out in front
+of him, as though he was driving a hard-bitted horse, and his one eye
+stared vacantly at the coals in the huge fireplace. He gave an unconscious
+grunt when Smith concluded, but made no commentary.</p>
+
+<p>Turtle said "the dream was very remarkable for such a man as Smith; but he
+guessed he <i>had</i> it, and he was going to believe it, because it was upon
+the word of a Puddlefordian. But he'd had one that beat it all
+holler&mdash;s'prisin' dream&mdash;like them air visions that somebody unriddled
+for&mdash;he couldn't recollect the name of the man now&mdash;no matter, the dream's
+the same.</p>
+
+<p>"I got up one morning," said Ike, "and went down to my breakfast-table, but
+there warn't one of my family present. I saw seated around it, however, a
+strange company of folks, and dressed as no mortals ever were before, since
+the flood, I <i>reckon</i>. There warn't nothin' that ever I seed before on any
+on 'em. I took my place at the head of the board, and attempted to do the
+carvin'; but there warn't nobody that understood my meanin'. Pork warn't
+pork any more; and when I tried to pass pork, I found that it had a
+kind-er' fancy name, which I have now forgot.</p>
+
+<p>"One great goggle-eyed fellow, who sat at my right hand, informed a lady
+near him 'that he'd got-ter go over to Agoria before dinner, and get his
+sun-dial fixed; but his wings were down at the shop being fixed, and he
+couldn't start this hour yet."</p>
+
+<p>"'Agoria! Where's that?' asked I.</p>
+
+<p>"'Don't know where Agoria is&mdash;ha, ha! On the River Amazon, a trip of a
+couple of thousand of miles.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span> And so he took out a little eye-glass, and
+looked at me for a long time, and, putting it back in his pocket, said 'he
+thought I was a North Pole-ander, or a ghost; he didn't know which.</p>
+
+<p>"'Dear me! you <i>will</i> be keerful, now won't you?' said the lady. Two
+hundred collisions in the air last night, among the winged men; almost as
+many the night afore&mdash;awful!'</p>
+
+<p>"The goggle-eyed man said he would.</p>
+
+<p>"'Did you hear President Jones lecter last night,' said a spectacled
+critter, at the upper end of the table, sticking his fore-finger out to me.</p>
+
+<p>"'No, sir-<i>ee</i>!' I hollered back to him, as I was some little frustrated by
+this time.</p>
+
+<p>"'He showed,' said the man, 'that one Tom Jefferson prob'bly <i>did</i> write
+the Declaration of Independence that the ancients made.'</p>
+
+<p>"'You don't say so, though, do you?' said I. 'You're a bright set of chaps
+the whole on you, President Jones and all.'</p>
+
+<p>"There was a mighty deal said about the Persian war with America; what
+somebody said who came from Africa last night&mdash;what this man and that man
+done in Congress; but getting out of patience at last, I jumped up, and
+left the whole on 'em; and as I passed out of the room, told 'em 'they
+might all go to grass.'</p>
+
+<p>"As I left the house, I saw an almanac hanging on the wall for the year
+2564. The first thought, when I saw this, was, '<i>Where, in the name of
+Andrew Jackson, is Puddleford now?</i>'</p>
+
+<p>"But what was my surprise, when I got inter the street, which was all laid
+with slabs of granite, and lined<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</a></span> with palaces, to find Squire Longbow
+walking along with his wings folded on his back, looking as nat'ral as the
+old fogy himself.</p>
+
+<p>"'Squire,' said I, 'here's <i>to</i> you!'</p>
+
+<p>"The Squire said 'he hadn't the honor of my 'quaintance.'</p>
+
+<p>"'O, you old scoundrel!' said I, 'you can't come that&mdash;'"</p>
+
+<p>"That's false!" exclaimed Longbow; "I didn't have no such talk."</p>
+
+<p>"It was <i>only</i> a <i>dream</i>&mdash;you forget," answered Ike.</p>
+
+<p>"Exactly," replied the Squire, relapsing into his former mood.</p>
+
+<p>"'You can't come that, old man,' I repeated; 'I could tell you in the
+streets of Jerusalem in the night; what are you about, old feller? You look
+fat and pussy.'</p>
+
+<p>"The Squire said 'he was Judge of the Continental Supreme Court.'</p>
+
+<p>"'So I should think,' said I; 'I just left a dozen asses at my breakfast
+table, and you're just the man for all the world to be their judge.'</p>
+
+<p>"That's a contempt!" exclaimed the Squire, jumping from his chair.</p>
+
+<p>"Nothin' but a dream, and they allers go by contraries," answered Ike.</p>
+
+<p>"So they do,' said the Squire, calmly, sitting down again.</p>
+
+<p>"Where's Bates, and the Colonel, and Bulliphant, and the other
+Puddlefordians?' inquired I.</p>
+
+<p>"'Bates,' said the Squire, 'burst a blood-vessel several hundred years ago,
+running down a southern kidnapper, and died quick-ern a flash. He didn't
+leave nothing<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span> scasely for his family, 'cause he spent all his time on
+public affairs. The Colonel left the country with the sheriff at his heels;
+and he rather thought he was somewhere about the streets now, as he saw a
+feller t'other day 'fore the court, for debt, that looked jest like him.
+Bulliphant went off in spontaneous combustion&mdash;in a kind of blue fire, and
+the old woman fretted herself out, a couple of years arter; but,' said the
+Squire, 'I can't be detained. Story's waitin' for me on the bench, and we
+decide the title to a million of acres of land, at ten this morning.'</p>
+
+<p>"This <i>woke me</i>. <i>Story</i> and the <i>decision</i> by <i>Longbow</i>, knocked my dream
+out-er sight."</p>
+
+<p>Bates pulled off his boots, and handing them to Ike, informed him that they
+were his, by the custom of Puddlefordians, and the meeting adjourned.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CHAPTER XVII.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Ike Turtle in his Office.&mdash;The Author consults him on Point
+of Law.&mdash;Taxes of Non-Residents.&mdash;Law in Puddleford.&mdash;Mr.
+Bridget's Case.&mdash;Legal Discussion.&mdash;The Case settled.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>We very often get an idea of a community by fathoming its leading men. We
+stick our stakes at that point, and reason, by comparison, downward; not
+that prominent individuals make the community, any more than the community
+makes them; but both act and react upon each other, until a standard is
+formed&mdash;and that standard is just high enough for the occasion&mdash;the
+necessities of the present. Water never rises above its level.</p>
+
+<p>You have, respected reader, already seen much&mdash;perhaps too much&mdash;of Ike
+Turtle. You must recollect, however, as I have before declared, that he was
+an embodiment of the spirit of his time. He was the presiding genius of
+Puddleford, and had been as much moulded by it as he had moulded
+Puddleford.</p>
+
+<p>Turtle, as we have seen, was a host in law&mdash;that is, he was a host in
+Puddleford law. He was just as useful and mighty in his sphere as Webster
+ever was in his. It must in candor be admitted that there was a difference
+in spheres; but that in no way affects the principle&mdash;and principle is what
+we are contending for.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>I have thus far exhibited to you Turtle under excitement, as an advocate in
+the case of Filkins <i>vs.</i> Beadle, defending his country against what he
+called an "abolition lecter," struggling in the cause of education; but we
+cannot always probe a great man to the bottom, and disinter the latent
+jewels of mind, unless we know and observe him unruffled by passion, and
+unswayed by feeling. The line and lead must be cast into still waters to
+sound the depths of the ocean.</p>
+
+<p>I had occasion to consult Turtle on a point of law. The question was,
+whether a certain woman who claimed dower in my land could probably show a
+state of facts that would legally entitle her to recover.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Turtle's office was in one of the upper rooms of a tumble-down tailor's
+shop in the village. Outside his sign swung to and fro: "I. Turtle, 'Torney
+in all Courts." Inside, it was garnished with three chairs without backs, a
+pine table, whittled into pieces by the loungers, a number of loose papers
+lying in an old flour-barrel, an ink-bottle with a yellow string around its
+nose, a copy of the statutes, a stub of a pen, volume two of Blackstone,
+and no law-book beside, all of which were enveloped in dirt and cobwebs.
+Mr. Turtle himself, when I entered, sat in one chair, his two feet
+stretched wide apart, each in another, like the two extremities of a letter
+A; and Ike himself was very philosophically smoking a pipe, and blowing the
+whiffs out of the window.</p>
+
+<p>"Is this Mr. Turtle's office?" inquired I.</p>
+
+<p>"I should <i>ray</i>ther think it was," answered Ike, drawing out his pipe, and
+pointing to a chair.</p>
+
+<p>"I have a little business," said I.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Most people <i>do</i> have," said he. "I'm chuck full on't myself."</p>
+
+<p>"Suppose," said I, "a man dies, and leaves a widow, and that widow should
+claim&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Hold on, right there!" exclaimed Ike, laying down his pipe. "Hold on, old
+<i>fel</i>low; this s'posin' don't do in this 'ere office. I never gives
+opinions on fancy cases. Time's little too precious. I want the raal facts
+on the matter, jest as they happened; and, besides, Mr. &mdash;&mdash;, fust thing I
+know I shall give an opinion right butt agin one of my clients&mdash;(I have
+reg'lar clients, you see, that I've got ter stand up for, if it busts
+me),&mdash;and this wheelin' round and taking a back track spiles one's
+reputation, and tears his conscience, awful to behold!"</p>
+
+<p>"Well," I continued, "as I was goin' to say&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"No, sir-ee! you <i>ain't</i> goin' to say. <i>Who</i> died? <i>who's</i> the widow? Them
+are the startin' pints in a new country."</p>
+
+<p>"But," continued I, "that will not affect the principle."</p>
+
+<p>"Won't it, though?" answered Ike. "What are principles to folks in a new
+country? What are residents to non-residents? Why, you take a resident
+widow, a little good-lookin', and she can hold all the land she claims agin
+a non-resident. Juries have feelin's, and are human like other people."</p>
+
+<p>"O, I see!" said I.</p>
+
+<p>"Jest so," said he.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, then," I continued, "the widow is a resident of Puddleford, and so
+am I; and the widow claims a life interest in one third of my land."</p>
+
+<p>Ike pondered, and rubbed his head, and looked for a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span> long time steadily at
+the toes of his boots. At last a thought struck him.</p>
+
+<p>"Has she any children?" inquired he.</p>
+
+<p>"She has."</p>
+
+<p>"Young?"</p>
+
+<p>"Twelve and fourteen."</p>
+
+<p>"Bad age for you," said Ike; "worse than two positive witnesses swearin'
+straight inter yer favor."</p>
+
+<p>"But what have children to do with a principle of law?" I exclaimed,
+somewhat animated.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>You're</i> green," exclaimed Ike; "you'll sprout if you get catched in a
+shower. What has law got ter do with a widder and two children out here?
+Don't you know the widder and the two children will be put right straight
+to the jury, and that they'll swamp you and your case, and all the la' you
+can bring agin 'em?"</p>
+
+<p>"Very likely," said I; "but is Puddleford law all made for widows, babies,
+and residents?" inquired I.</p>
+
+<p>"You see," continued Ike; "you hain't lived long here. A new country is a
+kind of self-sustainin' machine. We've all got-ter go in for ourselves.
+When folks take the brunt of settlin' wild land, somebody's got-ter and
+ought-ter suffer. Non-residents have ter pay all taxes. They have to pay
+onto the value, and onto our takin' care of their lands. We can't afford to
+scare off the animals and bring their property into market for nothin'.
+Why, old Sykes, who lives away down to the east'ard, pays half the taxes of
+Puddleford, and don't own more than four sections of land. The 'sessors
+kind-er look at the spirit of the law when they lay taxes, and the spirit
+of our tax-law stretches 'cordin' to circumstances. India-rubber ain't
+nothin' to it. Jest so in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</a></span> la' matters. The la' is favorable to
+Puddlefordians; our courts lean that way&mdash;it's kind-er second nater to
+'em&mdash;a kind-er law of self-preservation&mdash;primary law of natur', you know&mdash;a
+duty; and therefore I was particular to know who the <i>person</i> was who
+claimed your land."</p>
+
+<p>"Mine's a case," said I, after Ike concluded his digression, "of Puddleford
+against Puddleford."</p>
+
+<p>"Puddleford against itself, both residents&mdash;a woman and two children
+against a man?"</p>
+
+<p>"That's the case," said I.</p>
+
+<p>"Well!" said Ike.</p>
+
+<p>"The widow claims a life interest, and yet she signed the deed with her
+husband."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Did</i> sign it?" inquired Ike again. "What is she growlin' about, then?"</p>
+
+<p>"She claims she was deranged."</p>
+
+<p>"And didn't know nothin', ha?"</p>
+
+<p>"And she says she can prove it."</p>
+
+<p>"That is, Sile Bates can for her, I s'pose."</p>
+
+<p>Squire Longbow dropped in at this point of the conversation. Ike arose,
+walked several times swiftly across the floor, turning each time with a
+jerk, and finally wheeling up in front of me, said his fee for opinions was
+one dollar.</p>
+
+<p>The fee was paid.</p>
+
+<p>"Now," exclaimed Ike, pushing his fee in his vest pocket, "who's the
+woman?"</p>
+
+<p>"Old Mrs. Bridget," said I.</p>
+
+<p>"There are just half a dozen defences," exclaimed Ike; "and each one will
+blow the case sky-high. Nobody can't set up insanity in a new country,
+because<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</a></span> there ain't nothin' here to make anybody insane; and if there was,
+our judges and juries think a leetle too much of themselves, thick as the
+bushes are, to 'low a Puddlefordian to prove herself a fool in open court.
+There is a pride that won't permit it. Yes, <i>sir</i>!" Here Ike slapped the
+table hard by way of emphasis. "Ain't that la', Squire Longbow?" continued
+Ike, turning round to the Squire, who was almost magnetized by intense
+thought.</p>
+
+<p>The Squire gave two or three ahems to clear his throat, and his voice
+seemed a long time on its way. "That," said the Squire, "is just what the
+'mortal Story said; he never would permit a man to make a fool of himself;
+he went agin all such kind-er things. The 'mortal Story said, if a man
+don't know nothin', he oughten-ter say nothin', or do nothin'. He very
+specially said it warn't a safe rule to let crazy folks rip up things,
+'cause how do we know, or anybody know, but they are jist as crazy when
+they rip 'em up, and then they'll have to be ripped over agin; that's the
+'thority, sir&mdash;page&mdash;let me see&mdash;but no matter 'bout pages&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"And, secondly," continued Ike, breaking into the Squire, "it's a rule of
+law that everybody's stopped by their deed; and if the woman knowed enough
+to sign and seal it, that 'ere seal is an everlasting and eternal bar to
+provin' anything agin it. <i>That'll</i> stop a crazy woman; that's laid down in
+all the books since King Richard got possession of England, and the
+staterts are full on it, too."</p>
+
+<p>The Squire said "that looked reasonable. How do we know that Andrew Jackson
+warn't crazy when he signed off the patents for Puddleford. That's an open<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</a></span>
+question yet. And if it warn't for the broad seal&mdash;if it warn't for that
+'ere spread eagle&mdash;some whig President (and the whigs allers did say 'Old
+Hickory' was crazy) would set it all aside, and throw all the land titles
+into hotch-potch, kick me out-er house and home, and ruin all Puddleford!"</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly," said I.</p>
+
+<p>"And agin," said Ike, "the woman <i>warn't</i> crazy; <i>I</i> can prove that."</p>
+
+<p>"That will <i>do</i>," said I. "How?"</p>
+
+<p>"When was the deed executed?"</p>
+
+<p>I stated.</p>
+
+<p>"That's jest the time," said Ike, "that old covy, her brother-in-law, used
+her as a witness to recover his farm."</p>
+
+<p>The Squire said that "the woman was under <i>oath</i> then, and she might tell
+the truth, if she <i>was</i> a little shattered."</p>
+
+<p>"Th-u-n-der!" exclaimed Ike.</p>
+
+<p>"Witnesses are <i>sworn</i> to tell the truth," said the Squire.</p>
+
+<p>The Squire was evidently getting quizzical. Mr. Turtle begged "he would not
+interrupt him agin. The case was one of great importance, and it required a
+power of thought and research to look inter it.</p>
+
+<p>"And now," continued Ike, "there are three more p'ints of la' in your case.
+You've got the fee of this 'ere land&mdash;that is, you've got a deed, and got
+inter possession; that makes a fee. And as to that, the deed don't matter
+so much; possession out here is jest as good. I never see a sheriff who
+could get a man off. 'Tain't pop'lar&mdash;won't pay&mdash;it costs votes&mdash;men<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</a></span> don't
+vote for officers who push 'em; possession is <i>more'n</i> nine p'ints of the
+la' in Puddleford; it's ninety-nine&mdash;it's 'most as good as a patent."</p>
+
+<p>"But that would be a resistance of process, if the widow succeeded," said
+I.</p>
+
+<p>"There won't be nothin' to resist," answered Ike. "<i>You'll</i> never feel the
+process; it will always be defective&mdash;there'll be a flaw in it somewhere.
+Settlers on the sile must be protected."</p>
+
+<p>"That," chimed in the Squire, "<i>is</i> la'. That was settled in the
+constitution. There was blood shed for that."</p>
+
+<p>"But there ain't no use," continued Ike, "in goin' into particulars, and
+puttin' down every p'int of la'. I can scatter a thousand such cases to the
+four winds&mdash;have done it&mdash;can do it agin. Give me Kent and the staterts,
+and I'll cut my way to daylight in no time."</p>
+
+<p>If there is any one who believes that such an opinion was not given for one
+dollar, or that hundreds have not been given in the very far West just as
+absurd, let them inquire further of those persons who have experienced a
+frontier life. Yet, Mr. Turtle lives and flourishes, gains reputation, and
+will die as much respected and lamented as any one.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CHAPTER XVIII.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>The Wilderness around Puddleford.&mdash;The Rivers and the
+Forests&mdash;Suggestions of Old Times.&mdash;Footprints of the
+Jesuits.&mdash;Vine-covered Mounds.&mdash;Visit to the Forest.&mdash;The
+Early Frost.&mdash;The Forest Clock.&mdash;The Woodland Harvest.&mdash;The
+Last Flowers.&mdash;Nature sowing her Seed.&mdash;The Squirrel in the
+Hickory.&mdash;Pigeons, their Ways and their Haunts.&mdash;The
+Butterflies and the Bullfrog.&mdash;Nature and her Sermons.&mdash;Her
+Temple still open, but the High-priest gone.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>Puddleford was a mere spot in the wilderness. Its region abounded with
+patches of improved land, and patches partly improved, and fields of stumps
+that the pioneer had just passed over with his axe. The great sweep of land
+around it, however, was a wilderness&mdash;not a thicket&mdash;not a dense mass of
+timber, nor a swamp&mdash;but a rolling plain of upland prairie, and
+heavily-wooded flats along the rivers; and it extended no one knew where,
+and was covered with lakes and rivers that shone, and roared, and babbled,
+day and night, through the great solitude. The surface of the upland was as
+smooth and shaven as an English park. No undergrowth obstructed the eye,
+and the outline of a deer might be discerned two miles distant. Trees upon
+the distant ground-swells, amid their quivering shadows, appeared to be
+riding upon waves. In this gigantic park, which overreached degrees of
+longitude, flowers of every<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</a></span> form and hue budded, blossomed, faded, and
+died, from May until November. The prairies were so many blooming seas; and
+when the soft south-west stirred up their depths, they shed a gorgeous
+light, as if they were breathing out rainbow colors.</p>
+
+<p>The rivers that watered this waste were large, and flowed from still deeper
+solitudes towards the great lakes. The sun, as ancient as they, rose and
+set upon them now as it did centuries ago. The forests upon their banks
+sprang up, flourished, waxed old, and died; and still the river ran, and
+new forests rose upon the ruins of the old, and the glory of the new stood
+implanted in the grave of the old. The bison, moose, and bear drank from
+the sources of these rivers, driven upward by the noise of civilization.
+But they had an interest to me beyond all this: they were the inlets to
+Christian missionaries more than a century ago. It was up these streams
+that the French Jesuit,<a name="FNanchor_C_3" id="FNanchor_C_3"></a><a href="#Footnote_C_3" class="fnanchor">[C]</a> with his eye aloft, and the cross erect, paddled
+his solitary canoe among the aborigines. Here he built his camp-fire
+beneath the stars, and told his rosary in the awful presence of his
+God&mdash;how awful, indeed, in such a spot, at such a time! We can almost see
+the venerable man, and hear the dip of his oar; the water-fowl scream,
+scared, and dive along before him, and the Indian stands upon the bank in
+his presence, like a monument in wonder.</p>
+
+<p>The footprints of the Jesuits are still found upon the bluffs of these
+rivers. Mounds, which were thrown by them into square and circular forms,
+now roofless and silent, and matted all over with vines, still bear
+witness<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</a></span> to their devotion. Yet how little is thought of them now! Because
+the Jesuits did not till the earth, and sow, and reap, and swell the
+commerce of the world: but didn't they sow? They sowed the seeds of
+everlasting life among the simple children of the forest; and <i>they</i> have
+sown from age to age since, and many an Indian still offers the prayer
+which was taught his forefathers so long ago.</p>
+
+<p>Such, reader, were the woods around Puddleford, and such the associations.
+I was in the habit of going down into their depths, and scraping
+acquaintance with the inhabitants. It was a relief to me. I sometimes even
+went so far as to set myself up as a sportsman. I made a special visit,
+just after the first frost, for the purpose of spying out the game. The
+morning was still and bright, and the dash of a distant rivulet, which I
+could step across, filled the "long drawn aisles" with its echoes. I had
+been down often during the summer, but every object looked strangely
+different now. The first frost had given Nature a shock&mdash;a kind of palsy;
+she looked serene, almost sad. Its inmates had gadded about during the
+summer in a very reckless way; they looked more sober after the first
+frost&mdash;more thoughtful&mdash;more anxious about something.</p>
+
+<p>It was late in September, and yet "the storms of the wild Equinox, with all
+its wet," had not come. It was due and over-due. Amid the more hardy
+foliage the first frost had drawn his brush in the most delicate way
+possible&mdash;a mere tinge, and no more&mdash;a kind of autumnal hint. There was one
+limb of an oak just changing, and the balance of the tree stood up as
+bravely and defiant as ever; the soft maple was completely dipped&mdash;it
+blazed;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</a></span> the aspen trembled and glowed; the hickory was only touched, and
+still hesitated about her full suit of yellow; while the dog-wood and spice
+bush had entirely given up the ghost.</p>
+
+<p>It was just after the first frost, so I went down to the banks of the
+rivulet that had so long been singing its woodland psalm. It came from away
+off somewhere, and strayed, and dove over precipices, and spread into
+miniature lakes; but, where I stood, it tumbled through a gorge with green,
+sloping banks. As I gazed, the sun waxed higher and warmer. Day wore its
+way up the gorge, and literally struck a sisterhood of frosted sumachs, and
+they turned blood-red; I thought I saw them shift their summer dress.</p>
+
+<p>Near by, a vine circled a tree, and swung out from its top. I had noticed
+it many times before during the season. It was then hung with large-mouthed
+flowers, which opened with the morning. Was it a summer chime of bells that
+tolled the sunlight into the temple?&mdash;the forest clock, that opened and
+shut the hours? The bells were broken now; the first frost had cracked
+them. I saw a bird, dressed in blue, run up the vine, and hitch along in a
+very deliberate way, and peer into this bell and into that, as if he
+wondered why they did not spread; but this might have been an odd fancy of
+mine.</p>
+
+<p>The first frost seemed to have passed through the tree-tops that rolled
+over the gorge in a hurry. The prominent points of the foliage were tufted
+with russet, but its hollows and dells were as green as ever.</p>
+
+<p>The woodland harvest was nigh&mdash;the Creator's own harvest, sown and reaped
+without the aid of man. The pawpaw began to shed its fruit; mandrakes stood
+up all<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</a></span> over the forest, like umbrellas loaded with apples of gold; the
+wild cucumber was bending under its own weight; the bark of the hickory and
+beech nut was broken, and the fruit peeped out; acorns were loosening in
+their cups; the grape was purple and fragrant, and ready to gush with
+richness; and away down below me I noticed a crabbed, sour-looking plum
+tree, holding on to the hill-side with all its energy, and covered with its
+rosy-cheeked children.</p>
+
+<p>A few flowers yet lingered on the upland, breathing their last. The pink,
+violet, lupine, and a thousand nameless ones, had shed and buried their
+seeds long before; but the flaming, cardinal-fringed gentian, the yellow
+moccasin, and troops of lilies, still crowded the swales and watercourses,
+braving out the first frost. Insects were singing a melancholy dirge around
+me; a bee droned past in great haste, with a consequential hum; the year
+was passing and dying, like a vibration over the earth.</p>
+
+<p>The air was filled with winged seeds, sailing away off here and away off
+there, and going I do not know where. The wild cotton burst its pod, and
+furred out at a great rate; a large company of thistle balloons rolled up
+lazily into the sky, and went out of sight (to the stars, probably),
+directed by some invisible hand to the place of their destination. Birds
+were picking and carrying clusters of grapes and s'coke far and wide. How
+beautifully Nature sows her solemn wastes! The winds and the birds are her
+husbandmen, and the work goes on with a song.</p>
+
+<p>There was a bustle in a hickory&mdash;a black squirrel was flirting about, and
+making an examination of the crop.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</a></span> He had come early into the
+harvest-field. He ran up and down the branches, nipped the nuts, jumped
+upon his haunches, thought a while, chattered to himself, and said&mdash;or I
+thought he said&mdash;"Little too soon"&mdash;"Little too soon"&mdash;"Come again"&mdash;"Come
+again." At a distance, a male partridge, with his tail curved like a fan,
+and his feathers erect, was blustering and strutting around with great
+pomp, as consequential as a Broadway fop&mdash;a rabbit, crouched in a heap, sat
+off timidly under an upturned root, eating a pawpaw&mdash;a lonely snipe came
+tetering up the rivulet&mdash;a robin lit upon a scoke-bush, picked a berry or
+two, whistled, took a kind of last look, and departed; a little bird, as
+rich as sunset, next startled me with a stream of fire, which he wove
+through the green foliage, as if he were tying it up with a blazing cord; a
+sanctimonious crow floated in circles in the air, and screamed very
+savagely to things below him, like a preacher in a passion; and I heard
+turkeys clucking and calling to each other in every direction.</p>
+
+<p>Suddenly, a flock of pigeons broke the few bars of light that were
+struggling down, and wheeled to a dry limb, at a respectful distance; they
+ranged themselves in rows like platoons of soldiers, and bowed forwards and
+sideways, in a very polite, diplomatic way. A few words passed between
+them&mdash;(pigeons don't talk much)&mdash;exchanging, no doubt, opinions of me and
+my whereabouts. By and by, one spread his wings and fluttered to the
+ground, and began feeding&mdash;then another, and another, until the whole flock
+descended, except three sentinels, who remained posted to watch and guard.
+I knew them well. There was a "roost" in a tamarack swamp, some miles
+distant. Not long before, I had<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</a></span> visited their noisy metropolis. It was at
+the close of day, and its evergreen canopy was half-dipped in light. I
+recollected what hosts came thronging in, on all sides, roaring like a
+tempest, and how they piled themselves upon the top of each other upon the
+boughs like swarming bees&mdash;and how all night the trees bent and cracked
+with the crowded population, who seemed continually treading upon each
+other's toes, and tumbling each other's beds&mdash;and how, when the day dawned,
+they all dissolved, and winged their way to the plains, and the troubled
+city was as silent as fallen Babylon.</p>
+
+<p>I like the pigeon. He has a business-way, and a way of minding his own
+business. He is always doing something. Who ever saw a pigeon trifle or
+frolic, or put on airs? He is the clipper of the skies' air-line. Eight
+hundred miles a day, few stoppages, and no bursting of boilers. He is a
+practical bird&mdash;no such dreamy, twilight sort of a thing as the
+whippoorwill, who is forever complaining about nothing, like a miserable
+rhymester&mdash;whir&mdash;whir&mdash;whir. "Ah! you are going. Pay my respects to the
+alligators among the rice swamps of Florida," said I, "when you see them
+next winter."</p>
+
+<p>The pigeons were started by the bay of hounds. By their voice, the hounds
+had probably been on the chase during most of the night&mdash;(it was a weary
+voice and almost painful)&mdash;and I soon discovered that they were
+approaching. Soon a drove of deer, led forward by a noble buck, carrying
+antlers like tree-branches, came crashing by, leaped the ravine, and were
+soon followed by their pursuers, and I watched them afar over the plain
+until they were lost. I knew the dogs. They belonged to Venison Styles. But
+where was Venison? I could<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[Pg 237]</a></span> see the old hunter, in my imagination, standing
+away off on some "run-way," listening to the strife around him, and
+watching for his victims.</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps you know, and perhaps you <i>don't</i> know, reader, that deer, at
+certain seasons of the year, have "run-ways"&mdash;that they have great
+<i>high</i>ways&mdash;thoroughfares that follow mountains, thread morasses, cross
+lakes and streams, up and down which they travel. I cannot say who first
+laid them out. It may be they can tell. If I ever find out, I will let you
+know.</p>
+
+<p>I was next overhauled by a fleet of white butterflies, who came winding
+down the brook in a very loitering sort of a way. They anchored in front of
+me, near the water's edge, and amused themselves by opening and shutting
+their huge sails&mdash;huge for butterflies. Their wings were all bedropped with
+gold, and powdered with silver dust. Then another fleet, arrayed in
+chocolate velvet, came up the stream. They were large and showy. <i>Their</i>
+chocolate wings were ribbed with lines of blue and green; and a few plain,
+yellow plebeians followed on after, train-bearers, probably, to their
+lordly superiors. What brush touched those rich and delicate wings? What
+alchemist wrought those magical colors? Who put on those gorgeous uniforms?
+Were they equipped for the beauty and glory of the world, or their own? For
+what purpose was this winged mystery sent upon the earth? Just here a large
+frog, who had been sitting on a stone near the water, wrapped up to his
+eyes in his green surtout, looking as taciturn and gloomy as the Pope, went
+down with a "jug-a-ro," and spoiled my reflections.</p>
+
+<p>It was just after the first frost, and the wasps were<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[Pg 238]</a></span> hard at work,
+preparing, or repairing their mansions for winter. The mason-wasp, as he is
+called, was digging up the mud, which he carried to a hollow log, where he
+lived. He was "plastering up a little." The "paper-wasp" was gathering wild
+cotton and flax, and manufacturing it, for his palace that hung, half
+furnished, swinging in a tree like a top. Strange that man should have so
+long remained without the secret of making paper&mdash;when the wasp had made
+and hung it up high before his eyes, for so many thousand years!</p>
+
+<p>Thus, reader, the great wilderness was alive&mdash;and away down the chain of
+animated being, beyond the reach of the eye or ear, there was life&mdash;busy
+life&mdash;all links in a great chain held and electrified by the hand of the
+Almighty.</p>
+
+<p>What sermons there were all around me&mdash;Nature preaching through her works!
+What cathedral like this, with its living pillars&mdash;its dome of sun, and
+moon, and stars? Morn swings back its portals with light and song, and
+evening gently closes them again amid her deepening shadows&mdash;and the
+worship and work goes on like the swell of an anthem; but the great
+high-priest that worshipped at its altars, and burnt incense to the spirit
+that pervades this solitude, where is he? Where are his fires now? The
+temple still stands, and the anthem is still heard, but the worshippers are
+gone "Lo! the poor Indian."</p>
+
+<div class="footnotes"><h3>FOOTNOTES:</h3>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_C_3" id="Footnote_C_3"></a><a href="#FNanchor_C_3"><span class="label">[C]</span></a> Father Hennepin and others.</p></div>
+</div>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[Pg 239]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CHAPTER XIX.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>The Old New England Home.&mdash;The Sheltered Village.&mdash;The
+Ancient Buildings.&mdash;Dormer Windows.&mdash;An Old Puritanical
+Home.&mdash;The Old Puritan Church.&mdash;The Burying-Ground.&mdash;Deacon
+Smith, his Habits and his Helpers.&mdash;Major Simeon Giles, his
+Mansion and his Ancestry.&mdash;Old Doctor Styles.&mdash;Crapo
+Jackson, the Sexton.&mdash;"Training Days."&mdash;Militia
+Dignitaries.&mdash;Major Boles.&mdash;Major General
+Peabody.&mdash;Preparations and Achievements.&mdash;Demolition of an
+Apple Cart.&mdash;"Shoulder Arms!"&mdash;Colonel Asher Peabody.&mdash;The
+Boys, and their World.&mdash;My Last Look at my Native Village.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>Reader, there are mental pictures in the wilderness, as vivid as any in
+nature. They are the pictures of the past. They haunt the pioneer by day
+and by night. They go with him over the fields&mdash;sit down with him by the
+streams&mdash;linger around his evening hearth, and rise up in his dreams.</p>
+
+<p>I was born in New England. The village was very old, and had received and
+discharged generations of men. Some two centuries ago, a troop of
+iron-sided old pilgrims, full of theology and man's rights, an offshoot of
+a larger body, with their pastor at their head, founded the place, and gave
+it tone and direction.</p>
+
+<p>This village is very beautiful now. It stands sheltered between two
+mountains that cast their morning and evening shadows over it. A long
+stretch of meadow land lies between, through which a river, fringed with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[Pg 240]</a></span>
+willows, lazily lingers and twists in elbows and half circles. The
+mountains sometimes look down very grim at the valley, and in places have
+advanced almost across it. There are a great many profiles detected by the
+imagination in their outline. Cotton Mather's face has been discovered in
+one huge rock&mdash;and the old fellow's head seems to withstand the storms of
+nature about as successfully as it did the storms of life. The "Devil's
+Pulpit"&mdash;a group of splintered shafts of Gothic appearance&mdash;is near by, and
+superstitious persons used to think that during every thunder-storm his
+majesty entered it, arrayed in garments of fire, and gave the Puritan a
+sound lecture.</p>
+
+<p>There are all kinds of buildings in this village. These buildings mark the
+age in which they were erected, and are the real monuments of their
+founders. They are as they were. They have not been marred or profaned by
+modern notions. Some are very eccentric piles, hoary with age, full of
+angles and sharp corners; and some are painfully plain and severe. They all
+have a face, a cast of countenance, an expression&mdash;they almost talk the
+English of a hundred and fifty years ago. The row of dormer windows on the
+roof are to me great eyes that frown down upon the frivolity and
+thoughtlessness of the present&mdash;and those eyes are full of theology and
+civil rights. They look as though they were watching a Quaker, or reading
+the Stamp Act. The very souls of their architects are transferred to them.
+I never enter one, even in these fearless times, without feeling nervous
+and sober, half expecting to run afoul of its original proprietor, with
+some interrogatory about my business, and the wickedness of his
+descendants.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>There used to stand&mdash;there is still standing&mdash;one of these queer piles upon
+a bluff overlooking the river. It was built of stone, and is very much
+moss-grown. It fairly looks daggers at the ambitious little structures that
+have sprouted up by its side. It is a heap of Puritanical thoughts&mdash;visible
+thoughts&mdash;all hardened into wood and rock. There it has stood, frowning and
+frowning, for a century and a half. It is full of great massive timbers and
+stones, and is as stout as the heart of its founder. A weather-cock is
+attached to one of the chimneys&mdash;a sheet-iron angel, lying on his breast,
+and blowing a trumpet, and the wind shifts him round and round over
+different parts of the village. This angel has blown away thousands of men;
+but there he lies, his cheeks puffed, blowing yet, as fresh and healthy as
+ever.</p>
+
+<p>The internal arrangement of this building is characteristic. A dark, gloomy
+hall&mdash;an enormous fireplace, extending across the whole end of a room&mdash;a
+quaint pair of andirons, which run up very high and prim, and turn back
+like a hook, with a dog's head growling on each tip. There are strange
+pictures on the walls, which have been preserved in memory of the
+past&mdash;Moses leading the Children of Israel through the Wilderness&mdash;Samson
+slaying the Lion&mdash;David cutting off the head of Goliath&mdash;stern shadows of
+the men who used to study them&mdash;not very remarkable works of art, but vivid
+outlines of the scenes themselves.</p>
+
+<p>This house has been occupied by an illustrious line of men, distinguished
+as divines, lawyers, and reformers; and it seems to glow with the fires
+they kindled in it&mdash;in fact, I believe it is inhabited by them yet. I
+believe that Parson &mdash;&mdash;, who lived under its roof for more than<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</a></span> half a
+century, and preached during that time in the church near by, occasionally
+mounts his low-crowned, broad-brimmed hat, round-cornered coat, short
+breeches, knee-buckles, and heavy shoes, ties on his white neckcloth, and
+takes his cane, and, in a spiritual way, wanders back to his mansion, sits
+down again before the capacious fireplace, and meditates an hour or two as
+he used to do in life. He is one of those who keep the house company and
+give to it its sober air of determination and defiance.</p>
+
+<p>The old Puritan church stands near by. Time has thrown a mantle of moss
+over it. When erected, it was shingled from foundation to steeple&mdash;and a
+quaint little pepper-box steeple it was. Square, high, solemn-looking pews
+may be yet seen inside. The pulpit is perched away up under the eaves, like
+a swallow's nest. It is reached by a flight of steps almost as long as
+Jacob's ladder. It is covered with names, inscriptions written by men and
+women who were dust long ago. It looks like the place where "Old Hundred"
+was born, lived, and died&mdash;sombre, earnest, immovable.</p>
+
+<p>A burying-ground, ancient as the church, closes in on its three sides, and
+partly encircles it in its arms. There is preaching there yet. The dust of
+the living and dead congregations are one:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Part of the host have crossed the flood,<br /></span>
+<span class="i3">And part are crossing now."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Rough tombstones&mdash;mere ragged slugs, torn from some quarry&mdash;rounded and
+smoothed a little by a pious hand&mdash;stand half buried in the earth, pointing
+to the silent sleeper below. And then there are marble slabs, of a more
+modern date&mdash;yet very old&mdash;leaning this<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</a></span> way and that, and nodding at each
+other. Preachers and congregations lie side by side, and it is one eternal
+Sabbath now. There are quaint pictures, and holy pictures, and horrible
+pictures chiselled out on these slabs. Skeleton Death, triumphantly
+marching with his scythe! Skulls, angels&mdash;and occasionally a figure that
+looks like his Satanic Majesty! Epitaphs full of theology, wit, and
+practical wisdom, are strewn around with an unsparing hand.</p>
+
+<p>There are a few genuine specimens of the Puritan stock lingering in this
+village&mdash;great boulders that lie around in society, like granite blocks on
+the earth, dropped by Time in his flight, and overlooked or forgotten.
+Deacon Smith is one of them. He and his father, and his father's father,
+were born and lived in the house he now occupies. He has almost reached
+fourscore and ten years. He wears the costume of 'seventy-six, inside and
+out. His habits are as uniform and regular as the swing of the pendulum. He
+retires at nine, rises at four, breakfasts at six, and dines at twelve; and
+this is done to a fraction&mdash;no allowance is made for circumstances&mdash;what
+are circumstances in the way of one of his rules? He marches to bed at the
+time, and would, if he left the President of the Republic behind him&mdash;he
+sits down to his table at the time, whether there is a dish on it or not.
+Law is law with him.</p>
+
+<p>The Deacon hates royalty and the British&mdash;he never overlooked the blood
+they shed in the Revolution. He seldom speaks to an Englishman. He hates
+interlopers, innovations, modern improvements; and I recollect well how he
+poured out his vials of wrath upon the first buggy wagon that he saw. He
+said it was a "very nice thing to sleep in." He left the church for some
+months when<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[Pg 244]</a></span> stoves were first put up, and declared that it was "as great a
+sacrilege as was ever committed, and enough to overthrow the piety of a
+saint. Religion would keep a man warm anywhere." He says he "thinks the
+Puritan blood is running down into slops! folks are rushing headlong to
+perdition! that there hasn't been a man in the village for twenty years who
+ought to be intrusted with himself"&mdash;and it seems to him that the world is
+winding up business.</p>
+
+<p>When the Deacon rises, he goes around his house, hawking, spitting,
+slamming doors, tumbling down wood, just to cast a slur on the lazy habits
+of modern days. Sometimes he tramps up and down the village, two hours
+before day, a-hemming, hawing, and sneezing, for the purpose of letting the
+sluggards understand he is stirring. He has been known, on more than one
+occasion, to give vent to his feelings, at this early hour, by blowing the
+family dinner-horn, and declaring, as the blast echoed away, "that no
+Christian man could sleep, after such a call."</p>
+
+<p>The Deacon has a few helpers about him, who think as he thinks&mdash;but they
+are very few. When they meet, the world takes a most inhuman raking&mdash;they
+spare neither "age, sex, nor condition."</p>
+
+<p>But the leading business men of the village are of a different stamp&mdash;not
+Puritans, but Puritanical&mdash;the same rock with the corners knocked off&mdash;of
+less strength, but more polish. They reverence their fathers, keep the
+religious and political altar they have raised burning, but are not so
+regardless of temporal comforts; in a word, they are Yankees.</p>
+
+<p>Major Simeon Giles is a specimen. It is difficult to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[Pg 245]</a></span> draw his portrait. He
+has a hard, dry face, which looks as though it had been turned out from a
+seasoned white-oak knot. He wears a grievous expression, lying somewhere
+between sobriety and melancholy. His money, character, and family have made
+him a great man&mdash;he is a leading personage in church and state, and
+exercises a wonderful influence in every department of society. The deacon
+is full of dry expressions, and many of his cool, sly remarks have become
+proverbs; but the hardest thing he ever said was after his pious soul had
+been very much vexed, when he observed, "that if Providence should see fit
+to remove Mr. &mdash;&mdash; from this vale of tears, he would endeavor to resign
+himself to the stroke."</p>
+
+<p>Major Simeon has many severe struggles within him, between the flesh and
+the spirit. His avarice and piety are both strong, and the former sometimes
+gains a temporary advantage. All his movements are governed by method. He
+remains so long at his store, so long at his house, "takes a journey" with
+his family once a year, "has a place for everything, and everything in its
+place,"&mdash;a peg for his hat, a corner for his boots&mdash;and he is almost as
+rigid in observing and enforcing his laws as Deacon Smith.</p>
+
+<p>Major Simeon is supreme, of course, over his own family. He never trifles
+with his children. A cold shadow falls around him, which often silences
+their voice of mirth and ringing laugh&mdash;the effect of reverence, however,
+more than fear.</p>
+
+<p>Major Giles lives in the Old Giles Mansion. I will not pretend to say how
+many Gileses have occupied it. Their portraits are hanging upon its walls,
+and their bodies lie in the burying-ground; a long row of them, all the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[Pg 246]</a></span>
+way across it, and half back again&mdash;bud, blossom, and gathered fruit. There
+is the portrait of the celebrated Elnathan Giles, who died during the reign
+of Queen Anne. He looks very stern. He had passed through the scenes of the
+Salem witchcraft, and had been personally connected with the
+excitement&mdash;had attended several of the trials as a witness; was bewitched
+once himself&mdash;and, according to family tradition, saw one witch hung&mdash;an
+out-and-out witch&mdash;who had bridled many innocent people at midnight, sailed
+through chamber windows, and hurry-scurried off with them, astride a
+broomstick.</p>
+
+<p>Next to him hangs the face of his son, Colonel Ethelbert, as he was called,
+who lived just long enough to fight at Bunker Hill. He had been a militia
+colonel before the Revolution, and militia colonels were something in those
+days. He made a ferocious-looking portrait, certainly. One can almost smell
+gunpowder in the room. He is dressed up in his military coat, standing
+collar, an epaulet on his shoulder; and there are strewn around him, in the
+background, armies, artillery, drums, and banners. No wonder the Americans
+were victorious. And then came the face of Major Simeon, whom I have
+described.</p>
+
+<p>The wives of these men are also done up in oil, and hang meekly and
+submissively by the side of their lords, as all wives should, or rather as
+all wives did, in those days&mdash;and actually died without knowing how much
+they were oppressed.</p>
+
+<p>There are other things besides portraits, to remind Major Simeon of his
+ancestry. There is a tree still standing (strange that a tree should
+outlive generations of men), that Elnathan planted with his own hand, on
+the day Ethelbert was born&mdash;a stately elm, whose branches,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[Pg 247]</a></span> in their
+magnificent curve, almost sweep the ground. This tree shadowed the cold
+face of both Elnathan and Ethelbert, when their coffins were closed for the
+last time beneath it. There is the spring, more than half a century old,
+that bubbles from the hill, and goes trickling, leaping, and flashing down
+the green slope, singing away to itself as sweetly as ever. The old
+lilac-bush, too, has outlived thousands whose hands have plucked its
+blossoms, and yet it bursts out in the spring, and looks as fresh as the
+children who play beneath it.</p>
+
+<p>It has been thought that Major Simeon and his family were aristocratic.
+There is a stately air about them, when they enter church, that smacks of
+blood. And the Major himself has often declared that, while "stock isn't
+everything, it is a great consolation to know, in his case, that the name
+of Giles has never been stained."</p>
+
+<p>There are several other families in the village whose ancestry runs back as
+far as the Gileses'; and they have about them as many heirlooms to remind
+them of it.</p>
+
+<p>The village is filled with other characters, quite as original as any I
+have described. They are important personages, and have lived in it a long
+time; but they have no family history to fall back upon. There is Major
+Follett, who still lingers on the shores of time, and sustains a vast
+dignity amid his declining years. His head is very white, his hat very
+sleek, and his silk vest is piled very full of ruffles. He carries a
+gold-headed cane, and when he marches through the streets, it rises and
+falls with great emphasis, in harmony with his right foot. Now and then he
+gives out an a-hem!&mdash;one of the lordly kind&mdash;that fairly awes down his
+inferiors. He is a remarkable talker, too, among his equals&mdash;uses words<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[Pg 248]</a></span>
+having a great many syllables. He never spits, but "expectorates"&mdash;his
+pains are all "paroxysms"&mdash;talks about the "foreshadowing of events"&mdash;and
+all his periods are as round and stately as the march of a Roman army. The
+Major has actually made his assumed dignity pave his way in life&mdash;it has
+given him wealth and influence among those who are intrinsically his
+superiors, but who do not know how to put on the airs of consequence.</p>
+
+<p>Old Doctor Styles is living yet. He has survived two or three crops of
+customers&mdash;helped them in and out of the world&mdash;balanced their
+accounts&mdash;and his face is as ruddy, his laugh as hearty, his stories as
+ludicrous, his nose as full of snuff, as though nothing melancholy had ever
+happened in his practice. Eighty odd and more, he stands as straight as a
+staff. Death has been so long a business with him, and he has stared it for
+so many years in the face, that he really does not know, or care, how near
+he is to it himself.</p>
+
+<p>Crapo Jackson, the sexton, is one of the characters. He has announced the
+end of Doctor Styles's labor a great many hundred times through the belfry,
+and helped cover up what remained. Crapo is black, but he has a fine heart.
+He is a perfect master of his work. He puts on an air of melancholy and
+circumspection at a funeral, that becomes the occasion. He sings, from door
+to door, a hymn on Christmas mornings, with cap in hand extended for his
+"quarter"&mdash;peddles gingerbread on training days&mdash;and aids the female
+portion of the community on festival occasions, and does a great many more
+things, "too numerous to mention."</p>
+
+<p>Speaking of "training days"&mdash;dear me!&mdash;there used to be a military spirit
+in this village, in times past.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[Pg 249]</a></span> I can recollect the names of scores of
+generals, majors, colonels, captains, and even corporals&mdash;yes,
+corporals&mdash;every man couldn't be a corporal in those times. Why, bless your
+soul, reader! there was General Peabody, and General Jones, and Major
+Goodwin, and Major Boles, and any quantity of colonels. And then "training
+day"&mdash;nobody worked&mdash;the village was upside down&mdash;"'Seventy-six" was in
+command, and martial law declared.</p>
+
+<p>Major Boles I recollect, when in the active discharge of his duty. He
+always grew serious as the great militia muster drew on. He went away off
+by himself, into the chamber, where he could be alone with the spirits of
+his forefathers, and burnished up his sword, shook out the dust from his
+regimentals&mdash;warned his children to stand out of the way&mdash;and looked
+ferociously at his wife. He knew he was <i>Major</i> Boles, and he knew every
+other respectable man knew it.</p>
+
+<p>But Major-General Peabody was the greatest general <i>I</i> ever saw. When a
+boy, I looked upon him as a very blood-thirsty man, and nothing would have
+induced me to go near him. He was a little fellow in stature, had a hard
+round paunch that looked like an iron pot, and short, thick, dropsical
+legs. (Major Boles, who was a little envious, said they were stuffed, which
+produced a coldness between them.) His face was freckled, and his hair
+gray. He wore two massive epaulets, an old Revolutionary cap, shaped like
+the moon in its first quarter, from which a white and red feather curved
+over his left ear. He had a sword&mdash;and such a sword! Nobody dared touch it;
+for it was the General's sword!</p>
+
+<p>"Training day" usually opened with a boom from the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[Pg 250]</a></span> field-piece, at
+sunrise, that shook the hills. About ten in the morning the soldiers began
+to pour in from all quarters. Drums and fifes, and muskets and rifles,
+filed along in confusion,&mdash;ambitious companies in uniform&mdash;common militia,
+who were out according to law. Uncle Joe Billings, who had played the
+bass-drum for more than twenty years (poor old man, he is dead now!) was
+seen gravely marching along all by himself, his drum slung about his neck,
+his head erect, his step firm, pushing on to head-quarters at the measured
+beat of his own music, now and then cutting a flourish with his right hand,
+for the amusement of the children who were capering around him. Knots of
+soldiers gathered about the tavern, and made a circle for the music to
+practise, preparatory to the great come-off. Then came the good old
+continental tunes that were full of fight, played by old fifers and
+drummers that had been through the wars; men who made a solemn and earnest
+thing of martial music&mdash;who reverenced it as the sacred voice of liberty,
+not to be trifled with, who thought of Bunker Hill until the tears started
+from their eyes. Those old airs, that used to echo among the mountains of
+New England&mdash;where are they?</p>
+
+<p>But the captains, and colonels, and generals did not mix with the common
+soldiers on training day&mdash;no! nor speak to them. Rank meant something. They
+felt as though they were out in a war. They kept themselves covered from
+the public gaze away off in a secluded corner of the tavern, and were
+waited upon with great respect by those of inferior grade. Sometimes a
+guard was stationed at the door to prevent a crowd upon their dignity.
+Occasionally, one of them would bustle out among the rank and file on some
+momentous duty, fairly blazing<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[Pg 251]</a></span> with gold and silver, lace and feathers;
+but there was never an instance of one of these characters recognizing even
+his own brother while in military costume. Major Boles has often said that
+"no officer can be expected to see small things when in the active
+discharge of his duty."</p>
+
+<p>At about eleven o'clock the solemn roll of the drums was heard, and loud
+voices of command followed; and swords flashed, and feathers danced, in the
+organization of the companies; and then came the training&mdash;real training&mdash;a
+mile down street; a mile back again; a perfect roar of music; and flags
+flying&mdash;horses prancing. What was rain, or dust, or mud with such an army!
+They marched straight through it; it was nothing to war. The sweat poured
+down, but the army moved on for hours and hours in its terrible march.</p>
+
+<p>The great sight of the day, however, was the Major-General and his staff&mdash;I
+mean, of course, Major-General Peabody. They were not seen until about
+three o'clock in the afternoon; it being customary for them to withdraw
+from public observation the day prior to the muster. When the army was
+drawn up in the field, preparatory to inspection, there was usually a pause
+of an hour&mdash;a pause that was deeply impressive. We never knew exactly where
+the General and his staff were concealed. Some persons said they were
+housed in one place, some in another; but, upon the discharge of a cannon,
+they burst upon us, glittering like the sun, and came cantering down the
+road with perfect fury, in a cloud of dust, followed by a score of boys who
+were on a sharp run to "keep up."</p>
+
+<p>General Peabody and his staff always rushed headlong into the field,
+without looking to the right or left. I recollect<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[Pg 252]</a></span> that on one occasion he
+demolished an apple-cart, and absolutely turned everything topsy-turvy,
+besides creating great consternation among the by-standers; but it did not
+disturb him, and it was only upon information the next day that he knew
+that anything serious had happened.</p>
+
+<p>Passing the ruins of the apple-cart, and entering within the guarded lines,
+he halted, and took a survey of his troops. Then the music saluted him, and
+the companies waved their flags. He rode a little nearer, rose in his
+stirrups, jerked out his sword spitefully, and, looking ferociously, cried
+out, "Shoulder arms!" This cry was just as spitefully repeated by the
+subordinate officers; and, after a while, the privates, one after another,
+lazily raised their "pieces" to their shoulders. The General was in the act
+of rising again, and was drawing in his breath for a command of thunder,
+when his horse wheeled at the report of a musket that went off in the
+lines, and came near upsetting him, feathers and all; but he fell into the
+arms of one of his aids, and&mdash;swore, as I was at the time credibly
+informed, though I could hardly believe it.</p>
+
+<p>The General very soon righted himself, and, striking his horse several
+violent blows across his rump, cut a great many flourishes on the field, to
+the utter astonishment of the lookers-on. He then rushed through the orders
+of the day like a madman, and was manifestly utterly fearless of
+consequences.</p>
+
+<p>I hope my readers are satisfied that Major-General Peabody was a great
+military character. I recollect, when a boy, that I heard him say, "that he
+was very sure <i>he</i> would be the last man to run in a fight,"&mdash;"that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[Pg 253]</a></span> he was
+afraid to trust himself in a battle, for he never could lay down his sword
+until the last enemy was massacred!"</p>
+
+<p>The old man was laid under the turf one autumnal afternoon, many years ago,
+but his prowess is not forgotten to this day. His son, Colonel Asher
+Peabody, who inherited his father's spirit, erected a stately monument over
+his remains, which was covered with drums, and fifes, and swords, and
+waving banners, and big-mouthed guns, intermixed with texts of Scripture,
+the virtues of the deceased, admonitions to the living, &amp;c. This monument
+was always as terrific to me as the General himself; and, in my boyish
+days, I always contemplated it from a distance, not knowing but that it
+might blow up a piece of juvenile impertinence like myself on the spot.</p>
+
+<p>Yes, reader, these were training days in New England; but the military
+glory has now actually died out. The last gathering I saw I shall never
+forget. It was, indeed, a sorry group, made up of a rusty captain, two or
+three faded corporals, and a handful of dare-devil privates, who cared no
+more for their country than so many heathen. The officers looked cowed and
+heart-broken, and loitered about in a very melancholy way; and it was
+evident that the spirit of '76 was on its last legs. I afterwards learned,
+I am sorry to say, that the captain, in a fit of patriotic rage, broke his
+sword across his knee, and declared "that he never would turn out again as
+long as his name was Jones!"</p>
+
+<p>And then, reader, this village was full of boys when I was a boy. Every
+village is, you say. Very likely; but <i>such</i> boys! there have never been
+anything like them since. They wandered with me Saturday afternoons<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[Pg 254]</a></span>
+through the meadows, where the lark was flitting and singing; and we
+related wonderful stories about the future. We cut red-willow canes, made
+whistles, and dammed mountain rivulets. Life opened to us with a chant: it
+was melody, melody everywhere. There was the mountain gorge, down which we
+rolled stones with the voice of thunder; the "big rock," in the river, from
+which we fished; the pond, that we thought had "no bottom;" the mountain
+cliff, with its "den of snakes:" <i>where</i> are those boys now?
+Everywhere&mdash;nowhere! Citizens of the world, some; and some of that other
+world. They will never be all gathered but once more.</p>
+
+<p>But what has all this to do with Puddleford? Much. They are so many
+pictures that I carry around with me, and they form a part of my existence.
+They color life, thought, action; they mould the man; they are continually
+inviting contrasts, and making suggestions; and I cannot omit to notice
+them in my sketch of that famous village.</p>
+
+<p>When I last saw my native village&mdash;it was but a little while ago&mdash;it lay
+sleeping in its amphitheatre as beautiful and tranquil as ever among the
+shadows of its elms. It was summer, and the air was rich with music and
+flowers. The highest peaks of the mountain were draped in blue, and the
+valley beneath was a waving sea of green, down which the sunshine chased
+the shade. The quail was blowing his simple pipe among the fields of grain;
+the drone of the locust, the clanging of the mower's scythe, and the shout
+and the song, were heard in the fields in the still afternoon. When the sun
+went down, and its last flash leaped from the vane of the church-steeple to
+a lofty mountain-peak three miles<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[Pg 255]</a></span> away, the whippoorwill began her
+plaintive song, and the night-hawks went wheeling through the sky. Then the
+evening bells broke forth, and their echoes sobered the twilight; and, as
+their last vibration expired along the valley, the river stood golden
+beneath the rays of the moon.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[Pg 256]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CHAPTER XX.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>First Militia Law in Puddleford.&mdash;Aunt Sonora opposed to
+it.&mdash;Turtle sets her right.&mdash;Meeting to choose
+Officers.&mdash;Longbow electioneers for Captain; Takes the
+Chair.&mdash;Turtle objects.&mdash;P'ints of Order.&mdash;<i>Vivy Vocy</i> Vote
+won't do.&mdash;Legally authorized Boxes must be had.&mdash;Longbow's
+Speech.&mdash;Turtle fined for Contempt.&mdash;Longbow elected
+Captain.&mdash;Great Military Turn-out.&mdash;Company turn a Circle;
+Break down.&mdash;Turn an Angle; Break down again.&mdash;Address to
+Troops.&mdash;Adjourn <i>sine die</i>.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>This great republic has ever been notorious for its patriotism, and this
+patriotism used to break out everywhere, in days past, into a volcanic
+eruption on days of general militia muster. Puddleford began very early to
+feel the necessity of a spontaneous expression of its devotion to our
+common country. When it was very new, and before any law had been passed by
+the legislature organizing its people into companies, regiments,
+battalions, and divisions, very strong premonitory symptoms of war were
+frequently manifested. Beagle brought into the country an old snare drum,
+which gave out a very crazy sound. Swipes owned a fife that squeaked most
+hideously; and this fife and drum, with their owners tied to them, often
+went on one of the most public corners of the village, on moonlight nights,
+and roused up the war spirit of the whole neighborhood. They seemed to put
+the very furies into the dogs, who<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[Pg 257]</a></span> barked and howled from every quarter.
+By and by, a law was passed by the legislature of the state, compelling
+every man to do militia duty, under fines and penalties that were really
+frightful; and Turtle most solemnly declared, upon the strength of a fee of
+one dollar to him paid for his advice thereon, "that the act was
+constitutional, and accordin' to the common la' and the staterts, and that
+it must be lived up to, fodder or no fodder!"</p>
+
+<p>Aunt Sonora said, "she didn't see what under heavens an' airth anybody
+wanted of a war la'; they'd allers got along well 'nough in Puddleford
+mindin' their own business. Somebody allers got killed when there were so
+many guns and sogers, and so much powder; and for her part, she'd not stay
+round any such gath'rings, if she starv'd in jail. She'd quit the
+settlement fust!"</p>
+
+<p>Turtle informed the old lady that "wimin wouldn't have-ter turn out; it was
+only the men over eighteen years of age&mdash;and that there was no fighting
+done, only in case of actual invasion of the country, when wimin and all
+would have-ter fight like blazes, or the whole settlement would be laid in
+ashes."</p>
+
+<p>Aunt Sonora still insisted that "guns were <i>dang</i>-rous, any way; that they
+<i>would</i> go off, nobody knew when, and she shouldn't be s'prised to hear of
+a dozen men bein' killed at every trainin'; if men would only be ker-ful,
+but then they wouldn't; they'd all get as crazy as March hares, and as wild
+as loons!"</p>
+
+<p>By the law, every company was permitted to choose its own officers, and
+Puddleford counted just about people enough to make a respectable
+organization of one company in numbers. It was resolved to hold a meeting
+for<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[Pg 258]</a></span> organization, and to immediately choose officers at the tavern of
+Bulliphant, no man under eighteen years of age to be present, because, as
+Longbow declared, "that would be agin the la', and the proceedin's would be
+all squashed."</p>
+
+<p>In truth, Longbow had no doubt in his mind, from the very first, that he
+would be captain from the very necessity of the case. He was, he thought,
+the military pillar of the whole township, as well as the civil; and as he
+had generalled everything so far, he did not believe any one would dare to
+dispute his inalienable right to that eminent position. So the Squire began
+very early to talk learnedly about the last war, and the blood and fury
+which accompanied it; and he put on a very ferocious look when in public,
+and was frequently seen practising with his old fusee at a mark, which
+discharged like a funnel, wrong end foremost. "He had a brother," he said,
+"who fit at Lunder's Lane, and who was shot in the back, by savage Injuns
+in the rear, jest as he was a-bagnettin' some of the British!"</p>
+
+<p>Turtle, who was a little ambitious for the office, and who saw the drift of
+the Squire's bravado, said, "he guessed he was a-runnin' when he got that
+are shot."</p>
+
+<p>The Squire replied, that "he shouldn't sit still and hear such talk from
+any man. He didn't care 'bout his brother&mdash;it warn't that&mdash;but to hear the
+patriots of our country slandered was a species of high treason, and that
+was agin the constitution; and that 'ere insterment couldn't be violated in
+his presence by no man&mdash;<i>he</i> was a sworn officer&mdash;and the glorious blood of
+the great wars was a sacred thing in his eye&mdash;and it <i>should</i> be
+protected."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[Pg 259]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Turtle declared, "it didn't make any difference what the Squire's <i>brother</i>
+did, or did not do&mdash;it didn't help the Squire any. He guessed the Squire's
+blood had Peter'd out."</p>
+
+<p>The Squire said, "he was the last man to boast of his relations, but blood
+was blood, whatever they might say."</p>
+
+<p>On the famous night when the election came off, the tavern of Bulliphant
+was crowded. A dozen or more ragged urchins, who had been barred out by
+authority contained in the notice, had clustered around the windows, and
+were gazing in with awe upon the assemblage. The "wimin" had been admitted
+by special grace, and occupied the adjoining rooms. It was a most momentous
+occasion&mdash;a great day for Puddleford&mdash;"it looked so much like war," as Aunt
+Sonora said, "as if they were a-goin' to fight right off."</p>
+
+<p>The Squire rose, after the crowd had gathered, and said, "the first thing
+in order was to drink&mdash;it wouldn't be proper to enter into any important
+military business, without first drinking to our common country&mdash;and he
+wished the land<i>lud</i> to set on a gallon of baldface&mdash;the Puddleford name
+for whiskey&mdash;so the wheels could be started right."</p>
+
+<p>"And another thing," exclaimed Turtle; "we want the American flag and an
+eagle, these 'ere glorious symbols that went along with our forefathers
+when they were a fightin' for the liberties of our country!" but as
+Puddleford had no flag, a compromise was made, and the meeting concluded to
+nail a shilling pocket-handkerchief, which had one painted on it, to the
+bar, leave out the eagle, and take the whiskey.</p>
+
+<p>Squire Longbow took the chair, and said, "he would<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[Pg 260]</a></span> listen to anything the
+meetin' had to say. He was by la' inspector of elections."</p>
+
+<p>Turtle objected&mdash;"he didn't know whether he'd take the chair or not&mdash;that
+was for the meetin' to say."</p>
+
+<p>The Squire said, "he took it by virtue of bein' a member of the board of
+inspectors of township elections&mdash;and this was one of 'em&mdash;a regular
+township 'lection, and nothin' else, held by authority of la', under the
+statert, past and 'proved, and sent him as justis to be lived up to."</p>
+
+<p>Turtle replied, "he didn't see how the Squire was a <i>board</i> of inspectors;
+'cordin' to his own showin'&mdash;where's the township clerk, and where's the
+supervisor&mdash;have you swallow'd 'em all up, Mr. Longbow?" He objected, and
+he wanted his objection noted&mdash;taken down in black and white.</p>
+
+<p>The Squire said, "that was <i>their</i> business&mdash;if they neglected the defence
+of our common country, <i>he</i> couldn't help it&mdash;he meant to be a patriot, and
+stand up to the constitution and staterts, if every man in Puddleford
+turned traitor." The Squire swelled out very large, after concluding this
+speech.</p>
+
+<p>At this point, Aunt Sonora, who was intently absorbed in the earnestness
+which pervaded the meeting, and who sat in the next room, rose, and asked
+the Squire "if there was really goin' to be war?"</p>
+
+<p>The Squire replied, "that the meetin' must not be disturbed; the wimin had
+been let in as a great favor&mdash;for he didn't think the statert meant to have
+a soul on 'em present, and he didn't know but jest that thing would blow
+all the proceedin's to flinders in the higher courts, and that <i>every soul</i>
+on 'em would be court-martialed."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[Pg 261]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Aunt Sonora slunk out of sight, drew her handkerchief, and heaved a long
+sigh.</p>
+
+<p>Turtle rose and said, "he would nominate the Colonel captain of the first
+militia company of Puddleford."</p>
+
+<p>"That's straight agin la'!" exclaimed the Squire; "that makes a <i>vivy vocy</i>
+vote on't, and we can't take any <i>vivy vocy</i> vote here; this 'ere thing has
+got-ter go through the town ballot-box, or it won't be legal&mdash;this vote
+must be returned in form to the governor, and if <i>he</i> should see it was a
+<i>vivy vocy</i> vote, he'd squash everything quicker'n you could say Jack
+Robinson." The Squire didn't like the nomination&mdash;he was determined to be
+captain himself.</p>
+
+<p>Turtle asked the Squire "if a hat would not do to collect votes?"</p>
+
+<p>The Squire said, "nothing short of the legally authorized boxes; he
+couldn't trample down the la'."</p>
+
+<p>The legally authorized boxes were procured, and the voting was ready to go
+forward.</p>
+
+<p>Hereupon the Squire arose, and blowing his nose with one finger, a side at
+a time, and heaving a few sepulchral hems, said "that it was his duty to
+say a few words: He was something of a military man himself&mdash;he belonged to
+the Hos Guards down in the Susquehannas, when he was a young man, a great
+many years ago, and they had sham fights most every year." ("Was anybody
+killed?" exclaimed Aunt Sonora, who had forgotten herself, and whose nerves
+had been shocked by hearing the word "fight.")</p>
+
+<p>The Squire turned to Aunt Sonora, and declared that "it was the last time
+she <i>should</i> speak. They had sham fights most every year," continued the
+Squire, "and he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[Pg 262]</a></span> recollected that, while pursuin' the enemy in an open
+field, he fell from his horse, and bruised his head, but he caught his
+horse agin, and jined his company, 'fore anybody knew what had happened."</p>
+
+<p>Turtle rose, and inquired, "What he put on his head? If it warn't
+opodildoc?"</p>
+
+<p>"And that company," continued the Squire, disregarding Turtle's question,
+"is in existence yet, and is commanded by Captain Zekiel&mdash;Zekiel&mdash;Zekiel&mdash;I
+don't know what his t'other name is; and there ain't no time,
+feller-citizens, sin' it's bin a company, that it wouldn't er turned out in
+war if there'd bin a war, and they'd bin called on, feller-citizens."</p>
+
+<p>Turtle Said "he know'd about the last war, and he never heer'd of that
+company of Hos Guards nowhere."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah! but you see!" answered the Squire, "they weren't called on&mdash;and he
+might as well say that he was <i>lef</i>-tenant onc't in the great Pennsylvaney
+militia&mdash;not that he wanted to be captain of <i>this</i> company&mdash;and he might a
+'gone higher, but he wouldn't take it&mdash;his former wife, that's dead and
+gone, know'd that. And then, feller-citizens, there's a great deal of la'
+'bout our militia, and if a captin don't know the la', everything will be
+illegal, and <i>every</i> son of you will be called up and court-martialed, and
+fined, and 'prisoned, and your property taken and sold; and there ain't no
+'peelin' it up, for military laws ain't like other laws, feller-citizens,
+they ain't&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"That's a lie!" exclaimed Turtle.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Who</i> says that's a lie?" vociferated the Squire, jerking his head around.
+"<i>What's</i> a lie?"</p>
+
+<p>"It's <i>all</i> a lie!" repeated Ike.</p>
+
+<p>"Give me that 'ere statement," roared the Squire.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[Pg 263]</a></span> It was handed up. "By
+authority in me vested, in that 'ere book, I fine you one dollar. It's a
+contempt, sir&mdash;a contempt upon both a justice of the peace, and a 'spector
+of 'lections. I oughter say <i>two</i> dollars&mdash;it's a double contempt&mdash;I fine
+you one dollar, sir; and you can't vote, sir, here, sir, in this 'ere
+meetin', sir, while you're under contempt, sir, until you pay the dollar,
+sir&mdash;and I might sue you for special damages, sir, but <i>I</i> don't care 'bout
+that, sir&mdash;it is my office that I am protectin';" and the Squire sat down
+in the midst of his unfinished speech, filled with wrath.</p>
+
+<p>Squire Longbow was very sincere in his position which he had so confidently
+taken. He had been so long a magistrate, and "head man" of Puddleford, and
+he had been so closely identified with its public affairs, that he felt
+himself always in court, and every personal insult was construed by him
+into a contempt. Turtle humored the weakness of the old man, when his
+dignity was in jeopardy, and on this occasion he felt no alarm, for he knew
+that the fine would never be collected. Turtle owed the Squire more fines
+already than he was worth.</p>
+
+<p>Squire Longbow was elected captain of the Puddleford company. When he spoke
+so eloquently of the liberty and property of the people being so likely to
+be jeopardized by an officer ignorant in the law, he carried his point, for
+there was no man in the settlement so mighty as the Squire in that respect,
+in the estimation of the public.</p>
+
+<p>In the fall, the Squire exhibited the first Puddleford militia company ever
+assembled upon parade to the gaping wonder of its men, women, and children.
+He formed his raw recruits into a line by the aid of a board fence, which
+was supposed to be nearly straight, in the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[Pg 264]</a></span> outskirts of the place. The
+Squire was a very blood-thirsty looking captain, after he had mounted his
+regimentals. He had turned up a broad-brimmed felt hat, and tacked the
+sides by a flaming red cockade made of flannel, and had fastened an ostrich
+feather, which he found in the wardrobe of his second wife, Aunt Graves, in
+its top, which drooped heavily over his back. His coat was his best
+homespun, the same that was woven by the hands of his first wife, and in
+which he afterwards courted Aunt Graves, and it was bedizened with stripes
+of cloth of every color. His sword was an old-fashioned affair, which he
+had loaned of Ike Turtle, and was an heirloom in the Turtle family, it
+having been used by his grandfather in the revolutionary war. His waistcoat
+was red, and his boot-legs came over his pantaloons, each one supporting a
+heavy cotton tassel, which swung to and fro as he walked.</p>
+
+<p>The company was as complete a specimen of ragamuffins as were ever
+congregated together. There were three guns to the crowd, and the balance
+of the arms were made up of the most murderous implements within reach,
+such as axes, pitchforks, &amp;c.</p>
+
+<p>But the Squire did not forget his dignity for a single moment. He put on a
+martial air, and felt himself every inch a captain. While his company stood
+erect in a line against the board fence, he marched backwards and forwards,
+looking at it over his shoulder, with the greatest military pride, while
+three dogs, his own property, and who had come out to witness the parade,
+trotted after him. When the Squire wheeled to retrace his steps, the dogs
+wheeled; when the Squire faced about to take a broadside view of his
+company, the dogs sat down on<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[Pg 265]</a></span> their haunches, and took a view with him.
+During the exercises, the Squire accidentally cut a low flourish with his
+sword, and upset one of his own curs, who went howling towards the fence,
+and lay down in the shade, perfectly satisfied with war, while the other
+two, taking warning, retired farther in the rear, where they thought they
+could see just as well. The Squire had not studied very deeply military
+works on tactics, and his orders were somewhat monotonous, and were mostly
+made up of two&mdash;"Shoul-<i>der</i> arms!" and "Rest!" Walking a few paces, he
+would suddenly wheel and cry, like the cracking of a pistol, in a most
+furious tone&mdash;"Shoul-<i>der</i> arms!" then taking a few strides, which seemed
+to soften his temper, he would turn softly, as if he repented his
+harshness, with&mdash;"Rest!" And the Puddleford company for an hour shouldered
+and unshouldered their arms, to the astonishment of the crowd of urchins
+that were looking on.</p>
+
+<p>It had been announced for a week, that the field exercises would come off
+in the afternoon, at three o'clock. The ladies were invited to attend at
+that hour, to witness the display. Squire Longbow gave as a reason for this
+second eruption of patriotism, that the "Hos Guards down on the
+Susquehannas allers had field exercises in the arternoon,"&mdash;"that, if it
+hadn't-er been for field exercises, the Hos Guards wouldn't-er never been
+fit for war,"&mdash;and Aunt Sonora told Mrs. Swipes, and Mrs. Swipes told Mrs.
+Beagle, and they all told somebody else, that the field exercises were
+going to be "jist sich as the Squire used to have down on the
+Susquehannas." Aunt Sonora, however, sent down her boy Jabez to inquire of
+Squire Longbow's wife, if there was a-goin' to be any<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">[Pg 266]</a></span> shootin' there, for
+if there was, "she was the last critter that would go&mdash;she could tell 'em
+that."</p>
+
+<p>At noon the Puddleford company adjourned for one hour, when the Squire
+thanked them, "one and all, for their grand military performance, which was
+a credit alike unto themselves and their country, and he hop'd they'd be on
+hand in the arter-<i>noon</i>, 'cordin' to law."</p>
+
+<p>At three o'clock the troops assembled for field exercises, in a ten-acre
+lot, and they appeared to be very much recruited. Some eight or ten of the
+patriots, however, had evidently been indulging at the "Eagle," and they
+did not stand quite plumb. The captain found it very difficult to form them
+into a line. Beagle could not possibly shoulder arms without sagging
+against the column. Swipes stood much straighter than he did when sober in
+the forenoon. He was so anxious to disguise his condition, that he had
+planted himself in a most defiant attitude, with one foot advanced, and had
+fixed his eyes upon the sky; he went through the exercises in a twitching,
+nervous way, as if Longbow was moving him like a puppet by a string. Turtle
+felt mischievously well, and the colonel stood as stoical as if he expected
+to lay down his life before the enemy in fifteen minutes.</p>
+
+<p>The Squire's three dogs, who had been out during the forenoon, had returned
+to see the end of the parade. Thirty or forty women and children were also
+present, sitting upon stumps, and hanging upon fences in a very
+miscellaneous sort of confusion. Aunt Sonora and Mrs. Longbow had procured
+a couple of chairs, and the old lady seated herself, and took up her
+knitting. Mrs. Longbow did not mix very much with the crowd, because she
+could not forget that her husband was "captin of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">[Pg 267]</a></span> the day," as she said,
+and she and her husband she felt to be one.</p>
+
+<p>The Squire formed the company into a line. "The fust thing to be did,"
+exclaimed he, drawing his sword, and swinging it three times around his
+head, as a kind of three cheers, and scaring his dogs by this frightful
+flourish, repeated before their eyes, and who had not forgotten the
+accident of the morning&mdash;"the fust thing to be did, feller-sogers, is to
+turn a circle."</p>
+
+<p>"To turn a <i>what</i>?" roared Turtle from the ranks.</p>
+
+<p>"To turn a circle," repeated the captain, "as the Hos Guards used to do,
+down inter the Susquehannas."</p>
+
+<p>"T-h-u-n-d-e-r!!" ejaculated Ike.</p>
+
+<p>"No talking in the ranks&mdash;'tis finable&mdash;and 'twon't be permitted. We're
+under martial law, and that's <i>very sum</i>'ry, Mr. Turtle, very <i>sum</i>'ry! And
+to turn a circle," continued the Squire, "is one-er the most complercated
+revolutions ever performed by the Hos Guards. I hereby appoint Mr. Beagle
+the centre pin. Mr. Turtle will head the column&mdash;Mr. Beagle will stand
+still, and the column will sweep round him, to the point from which they
+started. Heads up! Shoul-<i>der</i> arms! Ev'ry man to his post!"</p>
+
+<p>The captain drew his sword, and cried terribly, "For-<i>erd</i>, men!" Turtle
+ran&mdash;the man behind him ran&mdash;and all ran, helter-skelter, some whooping,
+some groaning, and in their sweep they took in a score of ragged boys, and
+hurled them upon Aunt Sonora and Mrs. Longbow, who keeled over backwards in
+their chairs, their petticoats fluttering, in their somerset, in the face
+of the whole company. The Squire, forgetting his own position, when he saw
+the position of his second wife, hastened to her<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">[Pg 268]</a></span> rescue, set her up, and
+pointed with his sword to the road, and she and Aunt Sonora pushed
+desperately for the fence, their hair streaming behind them, bellowing
+"Murder!" while the company brought up in the shape of a pot-hook, having
+about half described the circle,&mdash;Beagle, the "centre-pin," crying to them
+to "come on!"</p>
+
+<p>"H-ll!" involuntarily ejaculated the Squire, as he looked upon the
+confusion.</p>
+
+<p>"That's swearin'," said Ike from the ranks, "and is agin the statert."</p>
+
+<p>The Squire explained. "He didn't swear as a justis', he swore as a captin',
+and captins allers swore on the field-er action&mdash;but he'd take that 'ere
+oath back.&mdash;What do you s'pose the Hos Guards would think of such a
+revolution as that 'ere,"&mdash;continued the Squire, looking at the huddle
+before him, "wouldn't <i>they</i> swear? Do you call that a circle?&mdash;Every man
+to his post in a line!" and the company straggled back into a column.</p>
+
+<p>Aunt Sonora sat upon the fence, panting with fright, and fanning her
+flushed face with her cotton handkerchief. She told Mr. Longbow that "she
+know'd that somebody'd be kill'd afore night&mdash;these sogers were so
+<i>ker</i>-less&mdash;everybody was so hurly-burly, they'd run anybody right down,
+and stomp on 'em; and if she hadn't got out-er the way jist as she did, she
+would have been a dead woman, she know'd."</p>
+
+<p>"Now," said the Squire, "we'll try to turn an angle; if you can't turn a
+circle, maybe you can turn an angle; and we'll drive a stake to turn it by,
+and Mr. Turtle will again head the column."</p>
+
+<p>The stake was driven at the point of the right angle,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">[Pg 269]</a></span> "where," said the
+captain, "you will all turn square around." The column moved forward
+solemnly, in a line like a scythe snath, and, reaching the corner, began to
+waver. Beagle at last fell headlong over the stake, and the whole company
+brought up in a pile around him; whereupon the Squire threw his sword on
+the ground, and declared, "he'd throw up his commission&mdash;and the country
+might go to grass for all him."</p>
+
+<p>Turtle, who had brought about this confusion, "regretted the misfortune. It
+was all an accident&mdash;Beagle had fallen, and discomboberated the whole
+proceedings&mdash;accidents would occur on the field&mdash;and, in fact, he know'd a
+man shot down dead once in the ranks&mdash;he guess'd the movement had better be
+tried over; the stake, he thought, was a leetle too high."</p>
+
+<p>The Squire said, "it was very discouragin'&mdash;the Hos-Guards down on the
+Susquehannas turned an angle the fust time tryin'&mdash;and on hosses, too. His
+fust wife, now dead and gone, know'd that, for she was thar&mdash;it was one of
+the simplest revolutions in all military tactics. He would like jist to
+know what a company would be good for, on a field-er battle, that couldn't
+turn an angle? He would jist like to know what they would do if they were
+following the enemy through a hilly country, if they couldn't turn an
+angle?&mdash;they'd all be butcher'd 'fore they could get round to the spot
+they'd started for. War was war&mdash;and the revolution ought to be did jist as
+if we were to-day fightin' for our liberties. He'd like to know what the
+Hos Guards would say if he should tell 'em that one of his sogers had
+fallen down turnin' an angle! He would throw up his commission afore he'd
+tell 'em any such thing."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">[Pg 270]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Beagle said he "stumbled." "Stumbled!" roared the Squire. "You
+stumbled!&mdash;who ever heard of the Hos Guards stumblin'! Stumbled? by the
+great Bonyparte&mdash;that ain't swearin', Mr. Turtle&mdash;you'd be hung by the
+neck, sir, if you stumbled on the field-er battle&mdash;it's a hangin' offence,
+sir&mdash;a hangin' offence, sir. We are under martial law, sir, to-day, sir,
+and if it was war time, sir, I'd order you to be stretch'd, sir, in five
+minutes, sir, from that 'ere tree, sir&mdash;I'd show you war, sir&mdash;real war,
+sir! bloody war, sir!"</p>
+
+<p>Turtle suggested that a lower stake had better be driven&mdash;or the outside
+angle of the fence would be still better, that <i>would</i> stand&mdash;they could
+walk round a fence corner, he knew.</p>
+
+<p>Aunt Sonora "hop'd for massy-sakes they warn't a-goin' to come out of the
+field&mdash;they ought-er be fenced in&mdash;she thought it warn't safe!"</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Longbow, who had great confidence in her husband, said, "she needn't
+be alarm'd any, the capt'n would take care on 'em."</p>
+
+<p>The Squire declared, "he wouldn't try any sich revolution over agin, but he
+thought they <i>could</i> march in platoons;" and thereupon he cried, "Company,
+form in pla-<i>toons</i>!"</p>
+
+<p>Turtle said, "he wasn't any war character, and he didn't know what a
+<i>platoon</i> was, but he know'd Injun file."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Injun file, then," exclaimed the captain; and from Injun file,
+Longbow set them around into a hollow square, put the women in the centre,
+and he delivered to his troops the address of the day, with uncovered
+heads, and in the most affecting silence.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271">[Pg 271]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The address was a very patriotic production. The Squire drew heavily from
+the great revolutionary war to find inspiring materials to stimulate his
+forces. He told them, among other things, that his own grandfather was
+"wounded in the hip a-fightin' for his country, and that he draw'd a
+pension arterwards as long as he lived. He hop'd they'd all get ready for
+the great muster that was a-goin' to come off in a few weeks; for the
+gin'ral would be there, then, and a good deal was expected of the
+Puddleford company on that occasion." The Squire had forgotten the
+unfortunate blunders of the day, in his enthusiasm, or, at any rate, he did
+not allude to them, for he said, "he was proud of the soldier-like bearin'
+of his men, and the great respect they all seem'd to have for their
+capt'n&mdash;that their arms were not 'zactly accordin' to la'."</p>
+
+<p>"'Cording to the Lord," whispered Aunt Sonora, horrified, very
+audibly&mdash;"Hear that."</p>
+
+<p>"'Cording to <i>la'</i>," repeated the Squire, who overheard her, "not 'zactly
+'cordin' to la', but it is a constructive compliance with the statert, and
+will pass muster on the first turn-out;" and, thankin' them all for their
+attendance, he adjourned the company <i>siney die</i>.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_272" id="Page_272">[Pg 272]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CHAPTER XXI.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Mrs. Bird gets in a Rage.&mdash;Starve a Child.&mdash;Mrs. Bird blows
+off at Mrs. Beagle.&mdash;Takes Breath.&mdash;Blows off again.&mdash;Mrs.
+Beagle gives a Piece of her Mind.&mdash;Aunt Sonora drops
+in.&mdash;She has no Faith in Second Wives.&mdash;All adjourn to the
+House of Mrs. Swipes.&mdash;General Fight of Tongues.&mdash;Mrs.
+Swipes gives her Opinion.&mdash;A Dead Set by all upon Mrs.
+Longbow.&mdash;Mrs. Longbow raps at the Door.&mdash;The Scene
+changes.&mdash;Final Wind-up.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>Aunt Graves had not got warm in her seat as mistress of Squire Longbow's
+household, when she found half of the female portion of Puddleford upon her
+in full cry. The Swipeses, and the Beagles, and Birds, who were very
+jealous of the sudden elevation of the old spinster, gave her no peace
+night nor day. They had seen the time when she looked up to them, and now
+she was the wife of a Squire&mdash;had taken good old Mrs. Longbow's place, and
+"really," as they said, "tried to lord it over them."</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Bird went all the way in the rain, mud over shoe, to inform Mrs.
+Beagle "that she warn't a-goin' to stand it any longer; <i>she</i>'d seen
+enough, and if other people were a-mind to blind their eyes, they
+might&mdash;she guessed she know'd what was what&mdash;she warn't brought into the
+world for nothin'&mdash;they might humbug her if they could&mdash;she only wished old
+Mrs. Longbow could jist rise from her grave&mdash;jist <i>once</i>&mdash;that's all she
+would ask&mdash;she'd<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_273" id="Page_273">[Pg 273]</a></span> make a scatterin' among the dry bones&mdash;jist to think&mdash;to
+think&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"What!" exclaimed Mrs. Beagle, who stood waiting for the climax, with her
+mouth wide open, holding her dish-cloth in her hand.</p>
+
+<p>"What?&mdash;what"&mdash;repeated Mrs. Bird, "you may well say what&mdash;that Longbow
+woman abuses little Elvira Julia Longbow like sixty&mdash;the <i>dar</i>ling
+creature&mdash;how my heart bleeds. That child," continued Mrs. Bird, putting
+down each word in a measured way by striking her fist on the table&mdash;"that
+child&mdash;that dear&mdash;Elvira Julia&mdash;the idol&mdash;you know of her mother&mdash;and what
+a mother she had, too, Mrs. Beagle&mdash;O, <i>what</i> a mother! That child is
+starved! She don't get half enough to eat&mdash;I know it just as well as if the
+child had told me so with her own lips. She looks puny-like. She didn't
+hold up her head in church all sarvice time, last Sunday&mdash;how my heart
+ached for her&mdash;I couldn't think of nothin' else&mdash;and to think&mdash;to <i>think</i>,
+Mrs. Beagle, that that woman who warn't nobody, and who'd come onto the
+town if she hadn't fooled the old Squire, is now goin' to turn round and
+starve his children. One thing I <i>do</i> know, I shall never knuckle to
+her&mdash;not while my name is Bird&mdash;I'll let her know who Mrs. Bird is. She'll
+find out that the Birds can hoe their own row&mdash;the Birds allers <i>have</i>
+liv'd, and will live, I guess, and they never were beholdin' to the
+Longbows, nuther. Starve a child!&mdash;and if she thinks I ever mean to know
+her as anybody but old Poll Graves, she is most grandly mistaken. I'll jist
+tell her who old Graves, her father, was, and what he was, and how he used
+to drink, the old brute. She knows it all&mdash;but she thinks Mrs. Bird forgets
+such<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_274" id="Page_274">[Pg 274]</a></span> things&mdash;but Mrs. Bird don't forget such things&mdash;she has a long
+memory&mdash;and her mother warn't none <i>too</i> good, nuther&mdash;I could touch her up
+a little on that. Starve a child! Lord-a-massey, I s'pose she thinks she is
+the queen of Puddleford, now, and can do as she has a mind-ter. If she
+don't run agin a snag some day, then call Sally Bird a liar, that's all.
+Pride must have its fall, Mrs. Beagle;" and here Mrs. Bird took the first
+long breath, after entering the house.</p>
+
+<p>"How&mdash;you&mdash;do&mdash;talk!" ejaculated Mrs. Beagle, her eyes half started from
+her head. "I'd thought just as much, but dare not say so."</p>
+
+<p>"Darsen't! darsen't!" popped Mrs. Bird, "Well, thank the Lord, <i>I</i> dare;
+I'll pull down the whole Longbow nest around her ears; I'll complain to the
+town officers; I'll have her taken up, and then let her show her hand; to
+think that the child of that dear, good woman we lov'd so much, should be
+starved! And that ain't all: old Longbow is one of the most miserablest men
+livin'; he don't have a minute's peace day <i>nor</i> night; he rolls and
+tumbles, and talks to himself&mdash;thinks, in his dreams, that his former wife
+is back agin, and he talks to her jest as if she was; he hain't had a full
+meal for a mouth. She is the <i>stin</i>giest of all mortals! She liv'd on
+nothin' afore she was married&mdash;why she counts the very coffee kernels she
+uses&mdash;she allers was afraid of goin' to the poor-house&mdash;pity she hadn't-er
+gone&mdash;but la-sa-me, you can't get one of the Longbows to say a word about
+it&mdash;they are as whist as mice&mdash;fairly caught&mdash;less said the better, you
+know&mdash;they are so everlastin' etarnal proud, the hull pack on 'em would die
+before they'd let anything out&mdash;but they can't deceive Mrs. Bird&mdash;murder
+will<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_275" id="Page_275">[Pg 275]</a></span> out&mdash;starve a child!" and here Mrs. Bird took another long breath.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Beagle looked still wilder, if possible, than before. But she was a
+very cautious woman, as has been seen. There was a method in <i>her</i> malice.
+"She had thought for a long time," she said, "that affairs were all
+wrong-end-foremost at the Longbows. <i>She</i> could see some things too. But
+she didn't want to say a word agin nobody. She had allers tried to be a
+<i>keer</i>ful woman&mdash;and she <i>was</i> a keerful woman&mdash;and although she said it,
+who had not orter say it, she was a keerful woman. She tried to live in
+peace and Christian charity with everybody&mdash;and she would put up with
+enymost anything rather than to have hard feelings 'gin anybody. She had
+allers been a friend of Mrs. Longbow, and was really glad when she heard
+she had at last got married, for she <i>did</i> think she would make a good
+wife&mdash;she had orter, for Squire Longbow had been the makin' on her, and had
+set her up in the world for <i>sum</i>thin'&mdash;but things warn't-er a-goin' right,
+that she know'd, and had know'd it for a long time; the old Squire looked
+as <i>cowed</i>-like as if he'd give all his old shoes to see his old wife back
+agin&mdash;he didn't look so chirck as he used to do&mdash;but then she didn't
+want-er say nothin' about it, for there was one thing she didn't do&mdash;she
+didn't talk about her neighbors&mdash;if there was any kind of people that she
+<i>did</i> hate, it was the slanderers&mdash;she never slandered nobody&mdash;but she
+allers did know that Mrs. Longbow was tighter than bark to a tree&mdash;she used
+to jest keep soul and body together 'fore she married&mdash;a leetle <i>too</i> tight
+to be honest&mdash;there wern't no slander in that&mdash;she hadn't said she <i>was</i>
+dishonest, nor she warn't a-goin' to say it&mdash;she<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_276" id="Page_276">[Pg 276]</a></span> would skin a copper the
+closest of anybody she ever see'd; such people <i>can't be</i> honest&mdash;they will
+cheat in the dark&mdash;not that she meant to say that Mrs. Longbow <i>would</i>
+cheat&mdash;she slandered nobody&mdash;but the child <i>did</i> look <i>half</i>-starved, and
+anybody could see it with one eye, and you can't learn old dogs new
+tricks&mdash;what's bred in the bone stays there&mdash;and the old Squire's darter,
+Livinny, looks like death, too&mdash;she's lost a <i>mother</i>, and it'll be a long
+time before that woman will fill <i>her</i> place&mdash;this is between you and me,
+Mrs. Bird&mdash;'twarn't no longer than t'other day that Mrs. Swipes told me
+that old Longbow wanted to marry Mary Jane Arabella, but Mrs. Swipes said
+she jest put her foot down and said No! and he's been <i>cross</i>-grained at
+her ever since. Well&mdash;well&mdash;so it goes."</p>
+
+<p>Aunt Sonora dropped in "to take a breath," as she said. Mrs. Bird and Mrs.
+Beagle had to repeat to her the new developments in the Longbow family,
+with some new additions.</p>
+
+<p>Aunt Sonora said she never did have any faith in second wives. "Depend
+upon't," said the old lady, "no good comes out on 'em. And the old maids
+were the <i>very</i> worst on 'em all. They were the awfullest dead-settest
+people she ever know'd. They <i>will</i> have their way. They allers rule the
+roost. She guessed that her old man knew when he was well off. He hated
+second marriages like pizen."</p>
+
+<p>Finally, the women, after exhausting themselves, all agreed to adjourn to
+the house of Mrs. Swipes, to see what could be done to improve the domestic
+arrangements of the Longbow family. Mrs. Bird said at first she wouldn't
+move an inch, to see Mrs. Swipes or anybody<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_277" id="Page_277">[Pg 277]</a></span> else, for it wasn't no
+business of her'n, but then she know'd that, if it was <i>her</i> child, and
+<i>she</i> was dead, and Mrs. Longbow wasn't dead, Mrs. Longbow would do just as
+she did.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Swipes was delighted to see such a crowd of her friends, but declared
+"she couldn't for the life of her tell what was up."</p>
+
+<p>By the time the "ladies" had arrived at the house of Mrs. Swipes, they were
+very highly charged with electricity. They had lashed themselves into a
+very respectable sort of fury. Even Aunt Sonora, amiable as she was,
+muttered to herself, while crossing the road&mdash;"Starve a child!"</p>
+
+<p>Nobody ever told Mrs. Swipes any news&mdash;that was not possible&mdash;she had
+always heard of it, seen it, or expected it; the most astounding
+development was no more than she had "allers known would come about." There
+was no story so large that it was unexpected, or beyond her power to add a
+little to it&mdash;no black so black, that she couldn't make it a little
+blacker&mdash;no slander so public, but that she had heard a little more than
+her neighbors of it. A piece of scandal melted like sugar in her mouth, and
+it seemed to send a glow over her whole being while she digested it; it
+braced her up for a whole day, and carried her through the most fiery
+domestic trials&mdash;no story, therefore, ever lost strength or sting while in
+her keeping&mdash;it gathered weight and power like a snowball&mdash;she paid it out
+with interest. Her husband, Zeb Swipes, she didn't like, for he did not
+care a pin about his neighbors, "'specially the women folks," as he said;
+and Mrs. Swipes declared she never could interest him in the wickedness of
+the place. Many a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_278" id="Page_278">[Pg 278]</a></span> time she had talked him to sleep, flaring, and foaming,
+and fretting about Puddleford.</p>
+
+<p>When Mrs. Bird, and Beagle, and Aunt Sonora entered Mrs. Swipes's room, the
+clap burst at once from the whole delegation.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't you think!" exclaimed Mrs. Bird.</p>
+
+<p>"Did you ever!" snapped Mrs. Beagle.</p>
+
+<p>"Pretty doin's these!" chimed in Aunt Sonora.</p>
+
+<p>"That <i>that</i> thing!"&mdash;"that Longbow woman," continued Mrs. Bird.</p>
+
+<p>"Starve!" added Mrs. Beagle.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, starve!" repeated Mrs. Bird.</p>
+
+<p>"A child!" groaned Aunt Sonora.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, a child!" gasped Mrs. Bird.</p>
+
+<p>"And to think!" said Mrs. Beagle.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, to think!" said Mrs. Bird.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Only</i> to think!" repeated Aunt Sonora.</p>
+
+<p>"That," continued Mrs. Beagle.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, <i>that</i>," said Aunt Sonora.</p>
+
+<p>"What she was," said Mrs. Beagle.</p>
+
+<p>"Only&mdash;jest&mdash;to&mdash;think," screamed Mrs. Bird.</p>
+
+<p>"Nobody," continued Mrs. Beagle.</p>
+
+<p>"Nobody at <i>all</i>!" snapped Mrs. Bird.</p>
+
+<p>"But"&mdash;said Mrs. Beagle.</p>
+
+<p>"But what?" inquired Mrs. Bird.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>But&mdash;old&mdash;Poll&mdash;Graves!</i>" screamed the whole three together.</p>
+
+<p>"Hadn't the second gown to her back," added Mrs. Bird.</p>
+
+<p>"Foller'd sowing, too, for a livin'," hinted Mrs. Beagle.</p>
+
+<p>"And glad enough to get it, too," sputtered Mrs. Bird.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_279" id="Page_279">[Pg 279]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Couldn't-er worn Squire Longbow's old shoes, then," said Mrs. Beagle.</p>
+
+<p>"And now she puts on more ker-ink-tums than the governor's darter," spit
+out Mrs. Bird.</p>
+
+<p>"Starve a child!" exclaimed another.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, starve a child!" chimed in all the rest, in a most furious tone of
+malicious spite that almost raised the roof. When the storm had spent
+itself on the head of Mrs. Swipes, who stood it with philosophy, for she
+liked it, all hands "set in" to tell her of the barbarous cruelty of Mrs.
+Longbow.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Swipes replied, "that nothin' more could have been expected on
+her&mdash;old Longbow might-er known she'd-er taken the very hide off on him,
+and off all on 'em&mdash;if <i>he</i> didn't know what Poll Graves was, then it was
+<i>his</i> fault; if he hadn't liv'd long-er enough in this community to find
+<i>her</i> out, then the old fool ought-er suffer&mdash;good 'nough for him. He tried
+to get our Mary Jane Arabella, 'fore he went arter <i>her</i>&mdash;but I let him
+know that <i>I</i> was the mother of that gal. He found that Mrs. Swipes had a
+word to say, and it took <i>me</i> to send the old codger adrift&mdash;it jest did.
+It's 'nough to make one's blood run cold to see the highty-tighty airs that
+woman puts on. Last Sunday she had on all of old Mrs. dead and gone
+Longbow's finery-finery&mdash;that <i>bun</i>nit, the very same that she bought at
+Whistle and Sharp's store&mdash;price, twenty shillings and sixpence&mdash;bought it
+not mor'n two weeks afore she died. That drab of her'n, you know; the dear
+good woman never worn it mor'n onct or twict, 'tended Deacon Pettibone's
+funeral with it, I remember&mdash;that very same <i>bun</i>nit, and she had it on;
+and she had on, at the same time, old Mrs. Longbow's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_280" id="Page_280">[Pg 280]</a></span> gown, and shawl too;
+and she did <i>come</i>&mdash;<i>a</i>&mdash;sailing right inter church, jest as if she was
+lord of the manor! I thought old Mrs. Longbow had rose from her grave, and
+I shed tears on the spot. It made my blood run cold. Thinks I to myself,
+old critter, if Mrs. Longbow should jest come back agin, she'd make <i>you</i>
+scatter, she would&mdash;she'd tear them clothes off on you&mdash;she'd let you know
+where your place was; she'd learn <i>you</i> to dress up inter <i>her</i> clothes.
+You'd rue the day you ever tried that game with her. Starve a child? Why,
+of course she will; anybody that don't care nothin' 'bout dead folkses
+clothes don't care nothin' 'bout folkses children."</p>
+
+<p>At this point, the whole pack made another dead set at Mrs. Longbow, with
+the exception of Aunt Sonora, who sat rocking violently, and taking snuff.
+It is impossible to repeat the jargon that made up the hurly-burly that
+followed. All the troop were firing together, all kinds of shot, and
+epithets, and sentences were violently broken up into fragments by each
+other, and hurled in a mass at Mrs. Longbow's head with the hottest
+vengeance.</p>
+
+<p>It might have looked something like the following: "Nobody!" "Who cares!"
+"I'll let her!" "Just to think!" "Starve!" "Yes, starve!" "A child!" "That
+new bonnit!" "Twenty shillings!" "Sowed for a livin'!" "And sixpence!"
+"Yes, and sixpence!" "Right in church!" "Hardly cold in!" "The poor child!"
+"And gown, too!" "Her grave!" "Hardly cold in her grave!" "Marry!" "Was as
+poor!" "Marry my Mary!" "As poor as Job's!" "Marry my Mary Jane Arabella!"
+"Was as poor as Job's turkey!" "I can see!" "I only wish!" "I can see<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_281" id="Page_281">[Pg 281]</a></span> how
+it!" "I only wish old Mrs. Longbow could!" "Goes!" "Rise from her!"
+"Starve!" "Grave!" "I'll complain!" "I wonder!" "To the town!" "If she
+thinks!" "Starve!" "I'll knuckle!" "A child!" "To her!" "Poll!" "No!"
+"Old!" "Not as long as my&mdash;" "Poll!" "Name is&mdash;" "Graves!" "Bird!"</p>
+
+<p>There was a rap at the door, and the uproar ceased, and the vixens were
+magnetized as instantaneously and as completely as if they had all been
+stricken with palsy, and their tongues fastened to the roofs of their
+mouths.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Swipes put on a smile, and courtesied to the door, opened it, and
+there stood Mrs. Longbow!</p>
+
+<p>"Good after<i>noon</i>, Mrs. Longbow. Well, I do declare!" exclaimed Mrs.
+Swipes, putting on one of her blandest faces, "you have raaly got out at
+last. It warn't no longer than this very morning that Swipes and I were
+wondering what had become of you. Swipes said he know'd you must be sick,
+but I told Swipes you had so many cares&mdash;we women folks <i>have</i> so many
+cares, Mrs. Longbow. And who do you think is here?&mdash;Mrs. Bird, and Mrs.
+Beagle, and Aunt Sonora&mdash;and we were jest a-talkin' 'bout you&mdash;and we all
+wonder'd how you did manage to get along so well in your family;" and after
+Mrs. Swipes had chatted and bowed Mrs. Longbow through the hall, Mrs.
+Longbow was introduced to the nest of hornets which had just been buzzing
+so unconsciously about her ears.</p>
+
+<p>"Why&mdash;Mrs. Longbow!" cracked Mrs. Bird's voice at the same time, jumping
+from her chair with a convulsive jerk, and grasping her hand, and
+imprinting a kiss upon her. "You have&mdash;done it&mdash;now&mdash;you have<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_282" id="Page_282">[Pg 282]</a></span> come out at
+last. Goin' to call at our house, I s'pose. Let me see&mdash;it's one,
+two&mdash;yes&mdash;three weeks since you've show'd your face, Mrs. Longbow&mdash;lookin'
+as bright as a spring mornin', I see."</p>
+
+<p>"All-er that," said Mrs. Beagle.</p>
+
+<p>"But then you have had so much to do," continued Mrs. Bird; "the Squire's
+house had got inter an awful muss while he was a wid'wer. Lavinny
+didn't&mdash;know&mdash;how&mdash;to&mdash;do&mdash;but the people say that it shines like a pink
+now&mdash;and how you <i>have</i> spruc'd up the children&mdash;I didn't hardly know
+Elvira Julia last Sunday. I thought her mother had come back agin."</p>
+
+<p>"She looked <i>so</i> happy!" exclaimed Mrs. Beagle.</p>
+
+<p>"And the old Squire begins to hold up <i>his</i> head agin, like <i>some</i>body,"
+added Aunt Sonora.</p>
+
+<p>"Nothin' like a <i>woman</i> in a house," chimed in Mrs. Swipes.</p>
+
+<p>"Nothin' like it," said Aunt Sonora.</p>
+
+<p>"Everything goes to loose ends where there ain't no woman," said Mrs. Bird.</p>
+
+<p>"Jest look at old Fluett's house," said Aunt Sonora; "'tis chaos come
+agin&mdash;woman gone&mdash;everything spilt from garret to cellar."</p>
+
+<p>"And jest so at Dobbins," added Mrs. Bird.</p>
+
+<p>"I do raaly b'lieve," said Mrs. Beagle, "that if Longbow had put off
+gettin' him a woman six months longer, he'd a brok't down."</p>
+
+<p>"Jest what the old man himself said," added Mrs. Bird.</p>
+
+<p>"And&mdash;then&mdash;to&mdash;think," drawled out Mrs. Swipes, "that he should have been
+so fort'nit."</p>
+
+<p>"Might-er tried a hundred times," said Mrs. Bird.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_283" id="Page_283">[Pg 283]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"And got bit," said Mrs. Swipes.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, and got bit," repeated Mrs. Bird. "There was a kind-er Providence in
+it. There <i>cer</i>tainly was."</p>
+
+<p>"Jest what Parson Bigelow said," added Aunt Sonora; "he said he could see
+the hand-er Providence inter it, jest as plain as he wanted to."</p>
+
+<p>"Strange world," said Mrs. Beagle.</p>
+
+<p>"Full-er sorrow," said Mrs. Bird.</p>
+
+<p>"Never know when it's comin'," added Aunt Sonora.</p>
+
+<p>"The only way's to be ready for't, and do our duty," said Mrs. Swipes.</p>
+
+<p>Thus the conversation ran on. Mrs. Longbow supposed herself looked upon as
+a martyr by the crowd of "friends" among whom she had unconsciously fallen,
+and felt almost crushed by the weight of sympathy which they had so
+gratuitously thrust upon her; and finishing her call, returned to her
+domestic labors with a lighter heart, and a satisfied conscience, while
+those she left behind her, on her departure, took the advantage of her
+absence to completely finish up the remainder of the woman's reputation.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_284" id="Page_284">[Pg 284]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CHAPTER XXII.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Appeal of Case Filkins <i>vs.</i> Beadle.&mdash;Turtle's Affidavit and
+"P'ints."&mdash;Longbow's Return.&mdash;County Court.&mdash;Turtle opens
+his Law "P'ints."&mdash;Bates replies.&mdash;A Fight.&mdash;Collateral
+Ish-ers.&mdash;Squire Longbow present.&mdash;The Court sustains Squire
+Longbow.&mdash;Turtle gets into a Passion.&mdash;Impanelling the
+Jury.&mdash;Mr. Buzzlebaum leaves.&mdash;Mr. Tumbleton upsets
+Ike.&mdash;Mr. Flummer is cut short bob off.&mdash;Ike opens to the
+Jury.&mdash;The Trial.&mdash;Charge of the Court.&mdash;Jury retire.&mdash;Can't
+agree.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>Among the causes that were found in the county court for trial was the
+appeal of Filkins against Beadle. Turtle had carried it up. He had informed
+the court and the jury, when he argued the cause below, that he would carry
+it up if he didn't get a verdict, and he was as good as his word. Turtle
+was a long-winded attorney, and what he lacked in brains he made up in
+bottom. He could worry out any opponent in Puddleford, and drive the man
+against whom he had no case into a settlement, or starve him out. Turtle
+often said that "a man's peace was worth something, and he who wouldn't buy
+his peace, orter sweat. La' was la', and if a man didn't want to pay for
+it, he ought to keep out of it." It was necessary, at the time we speak of,
+for any party who desired an appeal, to make out an affidavit, stating the
+errors below. Mr. Turtle was a host on an affidavit. He could raise and
+swear to more "p'ints" than any man in Puddleford.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_285" id="Page_285">[Pg 285]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Turtle's affidavit was a curiosity. It covered <i>all</i> the "p'ints," as he
+called them&mdash;"all the 'ish-ers' of law and all the '<i>ish</i>-ers' of fact."</p>
+
+<p>According to this document, he set up error in the judgment below:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>1. "'Cause the justis' had counselled with the defendant, and had sworn to
+go for her anyhow.</p>
+
+<p>2. "'Cause the justis' allowed Sile Bates, one of the jurymen, to leave the
+jury, and pettifog for Charity Beadle.</p>
+
+<p>3. "'Cause there wern't but five jurymen to try the cause, and there had
+orter been six.</p>
+
+<p>4. "'Cause counsel hadn't mor'n half got through arguing the case to the
+jury, when the justis' shut them off, and forcibly sent out the jury to
+deliberate on their verdict.</p>
+
+<p>5. "'Cause the justis' err'd in everything from the beginnin' to the end of
+the cause.</p>
+
+<p>6. "'Cause he 'low'd Charity Beadle's set-off, which was agin all kind-er
+law, and never heer'd on in the books.</p>
+
+<p>7. "'Cause the justis' drank liquor while he was tryin' the cause.</p>
+
+<p>8. "'Cause the justis' got inter a passion while he was tryin' the cause.</p>
+
+<p>9. "'Cause the jury got drunk while they were tryin' the cause.</p>
+
+<p>10. "'Cause liquor was sold clus by the court room all the time they were
+tryin' the cause.</p>
+
+<p>11. "'Cause one of the jurymen warn't fit to sarve&mdash;he bein' no voter&mdash;or
+if he was, he never had voted.</p>
+
+<p>12. "'Cause, as he understood, the jury flopp'd a copper to see who should
+win the cause.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_286" id="Page_286">[Pg 286]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>13. "And, finally, the verdict warn't no verdict, 'cause the jury didn't
+agree."</p>
+
+<p>Here were "p'ints" enough to overthrow the most righteous cause in the
+world. This affidavit was filed before Squire Longbow, within the time
+prescribed by statute, as appeared by the return of the magistrate to the
+county court, and the <i>return</i> itself of Squire Longbow was also spread out
+as large as life on the files of the same.</p>
+
+<p>If there was anything that Squire Longbow <i>did</i> pride himself upon, it was
+his returns to county court. He had often said, "that he would like to see
+the man who could pick a flaw in one of his papers." He said "that none of
+his decisions had ever been 'squashed' by the upper courts. He knew what
+la' was, and when a man <i>knew</i> the law, he would allers be sustained."</p>
+
+<p>I do not know as it is worth while to give the full return of the Squire to
+the threatening array of legal objections found in Turtle's affidavit. He
+argued every one of them as if his very existence, both as a man and a
+magistrate, depended on the result. In substance, he returned to the first
+point,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"That of course he counselled some with both of the parties. He didn't want
+folks quarrellin' 'bout nothin'&mdash;a-spendin' their time and their money&mdash;and
+how could he know anything about the case, if the parties didn't tell him.
+He was a sworn officer, bound to do his duty, or throw up&mdash;if he should
+ish-er papers for everybody that axed him to, without lookin' into the
+case, he wouldn't do nothin' but try causes. <i>His</i> time was worth sumthin',
+as well as other folkses. It was his business to see that every plaintiff
+had a case, and that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_287" id="Page_287">[Pg 287]</a></span> every defendant had a defence. Turtle counsell'd with
+him first, and he tho't Turtle had a case&mdash;but he lied to him, or was
+greatly mistaken, at any rate&mdash;Miss Beadle counsell'd next, and he then saw
+it was all up with Turtle, but it was too late to stop proceedings, for the
+summons had gone out, and couldn't be stopp'd; if it could-er been, he'd
+stopp'd it."</p>
+
+<p>To the second point, the Squire returned,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"That he <i>did</i> 'low Sile Bates to leave the jury, and 'pear as counsel for
+Charity Beadle&mdash;that <i>that</i> was constitutional right&mdash;right-er counsel in
+all crim'nal cases, thank the Lord, was presarv'd yet&mdash;and the case was a
+crim'nal case, or a kind-er crim'nal case&mdash;'twarn't for debt, and must be
+crim'nal. <i>He</i> couldn't choose counsel for anybody&mdash;thank the Lord that was
+a personal right&mdash;Charity Beadle had the right to choose her <i>own</i>
+counsel&mdash;it warn't none of his business who she took&mdash;how could any one
+take her counsel away from her by putting him outer a jury&mdash;that would
+destroy the constitution itself. If the court would jist look inter Story
+on the constitution, he'd see how that was; and if he ever did make a
+righteous decision, <i>that</i> was a righteous decision. The woman sav'd her
+case by it&mdash;for if she hadn't <i>had any</i> counsel, the greatest injustice
+would-er come on't&mdash;maybe the jury would-er 'greed&mdash;and <i>she</i>&mdash;nobody knows
+where she would-er been now."</p>
+
+<p>To the third point he returned,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"''Cause there wern't but five jurymen,' it is said. Well, there <i>warn't</i>.
+What of it? Five were jist as good in this case, as six; 'cause if five
+couldn't agree, how could six?'"</p>
+
+<p>To the fourth point, as follows,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_288" id="Page_288">[Pg 288]</a></span>&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"He did choke off counsel while they were argerin' the cause to the jury,
+and swore the officer and sent out the jury to deliberate. He'd do it agin,
+under like circumstances. They vi'lated the dignity of the court&mdash;there
+wern't no order nor nothin'&mdash;everything went on hurly-burly&mdash;there was more
+racket than if there was a town-meetin'. One thing there had got-ter be,
+and that was order in his court&mdash;he might-er sent them all to jail for
+contempt&mdash;but he wanted to be mild with 'em&mdash;he didn't allers think it best
+to go to the length of the la'&mdash;two counsel talkin' to the jury at onct was
+agin all la'&mdash;it was a great contempt of court&mdash;they'd orter been fin'd ten
+dollars apiece&mdash;but he didn't want-er fine 'em&mdash;he took a shorter
+course&mdash;he acted in his discretion&mdash;and he had a discretion in sich
+cases&mdash;any other court would-er done as he did, or worse, maybe. So long as
+he was magistrate, he meant to be magistrate&mdash;and his court was a
+court&mdash;and that thing people had got-ter find out, sooner or later."</p>
+
+<p>To the fifth point, as follows,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"He'd jist submit that to the higher court."</p>
+
+<p>To the sixth point, as follows,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"He did let in the set-off of Charity Beadle, and he did it, arter
+examinin' all the 'thorities on that p'int. He consulted Squire Brown, too,
+who did business down inter the State of New York, as justis', more'n ten
+years, and who had a great many jist sich cases afore him. The Squire said
+it was la' there, and had bin ever sin' he was a boy&mdash;and York la' was good
+la' anywhere. Story was dead for 'lowin' sich kind-er set-offs, and his
+works were all in favor on't&mdash;and it would be a likely p'int for anybody to
+set up that sich a set-off couldn't<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_289" id="Page_289">[Pg 289]</a></span> be allow'd. Filkins sues for so much
+money for so many slanders&mdash;now, then, he would jist like to know, if five
+slanders are worth ten dollars to <i>her</i>, if five slanders wouldn't be worth
+ten dollars to Charity Beadle&mdash;and if one ten dollars ain't jist as good as
+another ten dollars&mdash;he would like to know if one don't suffer jist as much
+as t'other&mdash;and if one hadn't orter be paid jist as much as t'other. If you
+go lyin' round 'bout me, you've got to pay, but if I go lyin' round 'bout
+you, I hain't got-ter pay&mdash;he'd like to know what justis' there was in all
+that&mdash;he didn't b'lieve Turtle thought so himself, but he was allers tryin'
+to bull-rag the court&mdash;and he warn't goin' to be bull-ragg'd by him nor
+nobody else."</p>
+
+<p>To the seventh point, as follows,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"He didn't know whether Mr. Turtle meant to be personal or not. He didn't
+know whether he meant to say, right out, that he was drunk, or not. If he
+did, he was a liar. He had no right to slander him onter the public records
+of the higher courts, in that sort-er way. What if he did drink? he had a
+right to drink&mdash;that was his business&mdash;when anybody can say that Squire
+Longbow is unfit for business from 'licker,' then there's time 'nough to
+blow out at him, and not afore&mdash;he shouldn't notice that p'int any furder."</p>
+
+<p>To the eighth point, as follows,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"'Got inter a passion?' He <i>did</i> rise in his wrath onct or twict, to
+presarve the order of the court. He warn't goin' to sit and be trampled on.
+He was de-<i>tar</i>-min'd that justis' should take its course, if he had to
+fight to do it. He couldn't keep Turtle down any other way&mdash;he'd used up
+all the fines in the staterts agin him, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_290" id="Page_290">[Pg 290]</a></span> that wouldn't do&mdash;he tore on
+worse than ever&mdash;and he'd jist say here, it was high time the fines were
+increas'd. He informed the court that Turtle said, 'he hadn't but one eye,
+and that he couldn't see but a little ways&mdash;that he hadn't as many brains
+as an 'ister&mdash;that his head was full-er cobwebs or bumble-bees, he didn't
+know which&mdash;that his judgment warn't good on a common note-er-hand&mdash;that he
+warn't up to the school-marm, for she could read&mdash;and that he <i>did</i> get
+inter a passion that the <i>court</i> should have been so trampled upon&mdash;for he
+<i>would</i> presarve the dignity of his court so long as <i>he</i> was magistrate&mdash;a
+great deal depended upon <i>order</i> in court&mdash;and when everything was a-goin'
+topsy-turvy, there warn't no justis'&mdash;he should allers, use jist as much
+force as was necessary to presarve order&mdash;and get into a passion, too, if
+he wanted to."</p>
+
+<p>To the ninth point, as follows,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"He didn't know whether the jury were drunk or not&mdash;that's <i>their</i>
+biz-ness, not his'n&mdash;they could answer for themselves on that p'int; and if
+Mr. Turtle wanted to know how that was, he'd better ax 'em; he warn't
+a-goin' to&mdash;he never took away any of the priv'leges of the jury&mdash;they were
+sacred things to him. When he tried cases, he did as <i>he</i> was a mind-ter,
+and the jury did as <i>they</i> were a mind-ter&mdash;if they wanted to drink, he
+wouldn't interfere&mdash;'twas out of his jurisdiction&mdash;he never did dabble with
+a jury, nor he never would&mdash;but he would say that the jury 'peared very
+well, listened to all the evidence as men should&mdash;stay'd out long 'nough to
+consider on the evidence and gin in a verdict, he verily believed, 'cordin'
+to their oath."</p>
+
+<p>To the tenth point, as follows,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_291" id="Page_291">[Pg 291]</a></span>&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Licker might-er bin sold <i>clus</i> to the court-room&mdash;but it warn't sold <i>in</i>
+the court-room&mdash;that he'd never 'low'd since he was a justice&mdash;every man
+who drank, went inter the <i>bar</i>-room, and thar was a strong <i>pe</i>-tition and
+a clus door atween the two rooms&mdash;he wouldn't-er 'low'd a drop in the
+court-room&mdash;he had allers bin very keerful 'bout that&mdash;they did drink onct
+or twict, but it was in the <i>bar</i>-room&mdash;the trial was very long and very
+troublesome&mdash;and the jury got dry&mdash;but they drank every time in the
+<i>bar</i>-room, and not in the court-room&mdash;and he was <i>keer</i>-ful every time
+they <i>did</i> drink, to 'journ the court, to save all questions&mdash;and he would
+say that Turtle drank as often as anybody&mdash;and onct, certainly, he moved to
+'journ the court for to drink, and nothin' else&mdash;and now he goes up to the
+higher court, and makes a fuss 'bout it&mdash;the staterts said there should be
+no licker sold <i>in the room</i> where the court is held&mdash;not <i>out</i> of it, nor
+in the next room&mdash;and he'd allers bin a la'-'bidin' man, and allers meant
+to be."</p>
+
+<p>To the eleventh point, as follows,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"He didn't know whether the juryman was a voter or not&mdash;'twas <i>none of his</i>
+bizness&mdash;best known to himself&mdash;if he set, knowin' he warn't a juryman, he
+orter to be proceeded agin by the next grand jury."</p>
+
+<p>To the twelfth point as follows,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"How in airth did he know anything 'bout floppin' coppers&mdash;he warn't
+thar&mdash;he warn't a juryman&mdash;he was the court&mdash;they might-er flopped for all
+he knew&mdash;but he had seen Mr. Swipes, who was one of the men who set, and he
+says thar warn't a copper flopped."</p>
+
+<p>To the thirteenth point, as follows,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"There <i>was</i> a verdict, and it was recorded on his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_292" id="Page_292">[Pg 292]</a></span> docket&mdash;it was, 'that
+the jury couldn't agree, one of 'em standin' out 'cause he was a-feared or
+wanted to be pop'lar with somebody;' and that was jist as it was gin in."</p>
+
+<p>Squire Longbow had returned much more matter to the court than he was
+required to do by his affidavit, which has not been stated&mdash;mere
+speculations of his own about the law and facts of the case as they
+appeared before him, all of which he said the court "orter know."</p>
+
+<p>The judge of the county court was an enlarged edition of Longbow
+himself&mdash;enlarged, because his jurisdiction was greater. He was one of the
+foremost men of the county, because he was one of the most independent. He
+owned a great deal of land, and a great deal of stock&mdash;bought and sold
+much&mdash;and had acquired a practical knowledge of the way things were done in
+a new country. He had been school inspector, highway commissioner,
+supervisor, and member of the legislature, and he was now judge. He did not
+know any law, except what Bates, Turtle, and other kindred pettifoggers had
+taught him&mdash;and when he shot at a case, he shot in the dark. He was right
+half of the time upon the result of chances; and that, perhaps, was doing
+as well as half the judges do, who pretend to more knowledge in the
+profession. He was a stumpy, red-headed man, and very "percussion" in his
+decisions&mdash;gave very short or no reasons for them&mdash;and like Longbow, didn't
+know a technicality from a sign-post.</p>
+
+<p>The law points in the appeal were first to be argued&mdash;if Turtle failed on
+them, he was then entitled to a trial on the facts.</p>
+
+<p>Turtle argued his law points in a pile. He flung the whole return at the
+judge in gross, playing first upon this<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_293" id="Page_293">[Pg 293]</a></span> string, and then upon that,
+abusing everybody connected with the cause but his own witnesses and
+himself, until he blew himself almost entirely out of breath.</p>
+
+<p>He began by flattering the court. "It was sunthin'," he said, "to have a
+county court to 'peal up to&mdash;if 'twarn't for that, he'd stop
+business&mdash;Squire Longbow had got so that la' warn't la' any more with him.
+When he first came inter the settlement, he was a pretty good justis, but
+he was as woolly as a sheep now. If he got a crotchet inter his head, you
+couldn't beat it out&mdash;he was worse now than he was afore he got married the
+second time. The cause below was killed by him&mdash;he was 'torney, and justis,
+and jury&mdash;he had 'greed to go for defendant from the start&mdash;had knock'd the
+jury inter fits by takin' Sile Bates off on't agin la'&mdash;had let folks in to
+swear that hadn't lived in the State six months, and nobody know'd whether
+they were to be believed or not; but the presumption of la' was agin
+'em&mdash;that he cuss'd him for it, but that didn't do any good&mdash;that the
+Squire drank himself, and let the jury get drunk, shocking as the fact
+might be&mdash;and yet he warn't a drunken man&mdash;rather a sober man&mdash;but it was
+done by him to fuddle the jury, and spile his cause&mdash;that he let in the
+al<i>might</i>-i-est set-off he ever <i>did</i> hear on&mdash;the very thought on't was
+'nough to give this court spasms&mdash;and this court orter for that, if for
+nothin' else, 'point a guar-<i>dine</i> over him&mdash;that he told him when he did
+it, that he'd foller the case to the backside of sundown, and blow him
+inter flinders, but he didn't seem to care 'bout it&mdash;that the jury <i>did</i>
+flop on the verdict, and the justis' knew it, and his return warn't worth
+shucks on that p'int"&mdash;and so on for an hour or more, until he became
+exhausted.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_294" id="Page_294">[Pg 294]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Sile Bates rose and said, "that, 'cordin' to the return of the justice,
+Turtle's speech was a <i>lie</i>!"</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Turtle hurled an inkstand and contents at Bates's head, which besmeared
+him from head to foot.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Bates hurled another back at him, which emptied its contents upon Mr.
+Turtle.</p>
+
+<p>The court called them both to order, reminding them that things were going
+too far.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Bates declared "it <i>was</i> a lie!"</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Turtle said "he should boot him if the word was repeated."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Bates repeated the word, and was booted through the court-house door.</p>
+
+<p>Difficulties being settled, counsel appeared in court very amiable, covered
+with ink, ready to proceed.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Turtle attempted to 'pologize to the court&mdash;"he had no 'pology for
+Bates."</p>
+
+<p>The court remarked that "it wasn't necessary&mdash;the doctrine of set-off would
+apply."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Bates said he had no speech to make&mdash;the court knew the justice who
+made the return&mdash;if it believed him, then Turtle might as well cave.</p>
+
+<p>During this uproar, Philista Filkins with <i>her</i> friends, and Charity Beadle
+with <i>her</i> friends, each troop ranged round their counsel, were looking
+upon this war of words with the most intense anxiety. Miss Filkins had
+attired herself for the occasion in a mussy crape dress, a pinched-up hat,
+and a black shawl, being, as she said, in affliction. She declared that
+Miss Beagle tried to "spile" her character, and she felt it, for that when
+that was gone, one might as well give up, and die. She carried a deep-set
+grievance in her face, a fixed anguish, which occasionally<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_295" id="Page_295">[Pg 295]</a></span> broke up into a
+snuffle. She was sustained, however, as has been seen, in her trials, by a
+few benevolent Puddleford ladies, who had most magnanimously followed her
+and her case, reckless of time and money, and who said, "they meant to see
+the end on't, cost what it might."</p>
+
+<p>Miss Beadle and <i>her</i> friends were a very different-looking tempered body.
+They were charged to the brim with acid and red pepper. They looked and
+felt lightning, and any one could see at a glance that they meant to fight
+as long as there was a hair of their friend left. It was generally
+understood that they had agreed to "throw in around" and help Miss Charity
+out, and her case had now, of course, become their case, and Bates was as
+much their lawyer as Miss Beadle's lawyer&mdash;and Turtle, when he got
+"ramptious," was jest as "sassy" to them as he was to the court, or Miss
+Beadle, they said&mdash;"and if they were not greatly mistaken, he'd see the day
+that he'd repent on't."</p>
+
+<p>The women who composed these two hostile factions got into several
+side-fights between themselves, what Ike called "collateral ish-ers"&mdash;and
+twitted each other of a dozen or more dead and buried slanders, which had
+for a long time been forgotten. Mrs. Bird gave Aunt Sonora a regular
+"runnin' over," as she call'd it&mdash;"a piece of her mind, that would last her
+as long as she liv'd." She told Aunt Sonora, who was one of Miss Filkins's
+body-guard, that "she was a <i>pretty</i> old woman to come up <i>thar</i> and try to
+screen that Filkins <i>critter</i>&mdash;<i>she'd better</i> stick up for <i>her</i>&mdash;she was a
+<i>nice</i> old woman&mdash;a <i>handsum</i> old woman&mdash;a <i>beau</i>-tiful old woman&mdash;she'd
+better be home a-takin' care on her children&mdash;she'd better be a mendin' her
+husband's old breeches&mdash;it would look a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_296" id="Page_296">[Pg 296]</a></span> great deal better. What if Filkins
+had lied as much about her, or her old man, she'd ask her that. Guess'd
+she'd make the fur fly some&mdash;guess'd she wouldn't-er stood it no longer
+than other folks&mdash;guess'd she couldn't get along without a character
+better'n other people&mdash;guess'd she hadn't got any too much to brag on,
+anyhow, if reports were true&mdash;s'pose she should rake up all she'd heer'd
+about <i>her</i>, and go tellin' it round arter everybody, where would <i>she</i> be.
+Bah! how I hate sich folks," she continued, putting on one of her most
+contemptible faces, and spitting like a mad cat, at Aunt Sonora.</p>
+
+<p>Aunt Sonora was a philosopher on such occasions. She knew the storm would
+soon blow over, and that Mrs. Bird would be "round," to take tea with her,
+in less than a week&mdash;so she took a quiet pinch of snuff, and told Mrs. Bird
+in reply, that "she'd call onto the court, if she cut any more of her
+antics round her&mdash;she ought-er recollect she was in the high court, and
+they didn't 'low any flabbergastin' in sich places; she'd be in jail
+quicker'n scart first thing she know'd, and her hull pack with her, if they
+didn't keep mighty mum. She wasn't in Puddleford now, <i>she'd</i> find, if she
+let her mouth spit bile at that rate."</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Bird sobered down.</p>
+
+<p>Squire Longbow was also present, to see the end of this famous suit. The
+Squire usually followed his cases into the county court, "to look arter
+'em," as he said, "and to explain things." He was dressed in his best suit
+of homespun, and also had on his most dignified air. He did not even wince
+during the scathing Turtle gave him and his return, feeling perfectly sure
+that he couldn't be hurt by any country 'torney in the upper courts. He<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_297" id="Page_297">[Pg 297]</a></span>
+"ray-ther thought he was known thar." The county judge, in a very summary
+and careless manner, decided, "the p'ints Mr. Turtle had raised warn't
+good; they were all agin the return of the justis'; and he must pay respect
+to the lower courts."</p>
+
+<p>(Here Squire Longbow drew his pocket handkerchief and blew his nose like a
+trumpet, to call the attention of the by-standers to the decision.)</p>
+
+<p>He would repeat&mdash;this for the benefit of the Squire, evidently&mdash;"they were
+all agin the return of the justis', who was an old magistrate, and had did
+a great deal of business."</p>
+
+<p>(Here the Squire bowed his head, by way of assent, to the court.)</p>
+
+<p>"The court orter say, further, that Mr. Turtle's affidavit was <i>sworn</i> to,
+and how he could have sworn to such an affidavit, right agin the return of
+the justis', was mor'n he know'd; perhaps Mr. Turtle know'd <i>himself</i>, and
+could inform the court."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Turtle said that was <i>his</i> business. Mr. Turtle spoke very short, for
+he was greatly nettled.</p>
+
+<p>The court said, "it didn't make any difference&mdash;it warn't neither here nor
+thar&mdash;the p'ints were all squashed, and that was his decision; costs to go
+agin Turtle."</p>
+
+<p>"Agin Turtle," exclaimed Ike, rising, "costs agin Turtle!"</p>
+
+<p>"Agin Turtle's <i>client</i>," said the court, correcting himself.</p>
+
+<p>"That sounds a leetle more like a court of justis'," added Ike; "but it was
+a bull-head decision, he would say that, if he rotted in jail for contempt,
+that is, if anybody could commit contempt agin such a bass-wood-headed
+court, as this had got-ter be!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_298" id="Page_298">[Pg 298]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>A jury was now about to be impanelled to try the case between Filkins and
+Beadle a second time, and this was no small matter. The whole county had
+heard of this remarkable suit, and had talked about it, and each person had
+allied himself or herself to the parties. A very small matter will throw a
+new country into a tempest of excitement, as a very few matters of
+importance exist to get excited about. When the panel was filled, and the
+clerk had announced that fact to the court, Ike saw, or thought he saw,
+some of the most violent Beadle men in the county among the number. He had
+only two peremptory challenges, and if he could not remove some of them for
+"<i>cause</i>," as the books say, "he was gone up," as he thought to himself.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Buzzlebaum, a hickory-headed farmer, with short hair, which stuck up
+all over his head like a porcupine's quills, was a very dangerous man. Ike
+knew he was a bachelor, and he had been strongly suspected of "paying some
+attention" to Miss Beadle; so Ike put a few questions to Mr. Buzzlebaum.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Buzzle<i>baum</i>," exclaimed Ike, "you a juryman in this case?"</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Buzzlebaum said he was.</p>
+
+<p>"Y&mdash;e&mdash;s," drawled Ike, "so I see," as if he had got on the panel
+fraudulently some way.</p>
+
+<p>"Know Miss Beadle?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes!"</p>
+
+<p>"You do know the 'oman then?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes!"</p>
+
+<p>"Sot up at her house any?"</p>
+
+<p>"Sot up!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sot up; don't you know what that is by this time, at your time-er
+life, Mr. Buzzlebaum?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_299" id="Page_299">[Pg 299]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Well, what of it?" asked Mr. Buzzlebaum.</p>
+
+<p>"What&mdash;of&mdash;it! Je-ru-sa-lem!" exclaimed Ike, slapping a book on the table,
+and looking fury at the court. "The man says 'what of it?'&mdash;sittin' up with
+the defendant <i>nights</i> a-courtin' her, and then wants to know what of it?
+Wouldn't he be a pretty man to try this case?"</p>
+
+<p>"Sot up <i>where</i>?" inquired Buzzlebaum.</p>
+
+<p>"How do <i>I</i> know where! Ever talk of marryin' the 'oman, hey?"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Wal!</i>" heaved Buzzlebaum.</p>
+
+<p>"No wals here; you're sworn now; out with it. Didn't you tell old Soper, if
+she warn't so old and rusty-like, you'd strike, hit or miss? What, sir?"</p>
+
+<p>"Wal!" groaned Buzzlebaum again.</p>
+
+<p>"Guilty as a dog; won't answer; is a-goin'-ter die game, right inter the
+face of the court," exclaimed Ike.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Buzzlebaum began to scratch his head, and just got an idea of what "sot
+up" meant, and declared, "he'd never sot up with Miss Beadle, nor nobody
+else, but he warn't goin' to answer any more questions;" and asking another
+juryman for his hat, which stood among a huddle of hats outside the
+jury-box, "leaned" for the door, amid the cries of the court, clerk, Bates,
+&amp;c., of "hold on," "don't go," "stop him," "bring him back, sheriff," &amp;c.
+But Buzzlebaum didn't return.</p>
+
+<p>The next juryman who Ike thought was "<i>dang</i>-rous," was Mr. Tumbleton.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Tumbleton," exclaimed Ike, "form'd or 'spressed any 'pinion in this
+case?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, sir!"</p>
+
+<p>"Hain't form'd <i>nor</i> 'spressed any?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, sir!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_300" id="Page_300">[Pg 300]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Hain't said that you hop'd the old maid would come out hunk?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, sir!"</p>
+
+<p>"Hain't said that Turtle was a jackass for pushin' on this 'ere suit?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, sir!"</p>
+
+<p>"Hain't thought he was?"</p>
+
+<p>"Sir?"</p>
+
+<p>"Pretty clus questions," said Mr. Tumbleton, balancing on one leg, and
+looking thoughtfully up at the ceiling.</p>
+
+<p>"Now don't you think&mdash;and haven't you <i>said</i>, that Turtle was a jackass for
+pushin' on this suit?" inquired Ike, rising from his chair.</p>
+
+<p>"No, sir!&mdash;haven't said any such thing."</p>
+
+<p>"Don't you <i>think</i> he is, is the question, Mr. Tumbleton?"</p>
+
+<p>"Think you are a jackass!" repeated the juror.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir!"</p>
+
+<p>"Very likely I do."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Turtle submitted to the court, if that "warn't 'nough to break him from
+sittin'."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Bates said, "the man show'd his good sense&mdash;best juryman on the whole
+panel."</p>
+
+<p>The court thought the juryman was entitled to his own opinion; it was not
+pos-i-<i>tive</i> proof that Turtle was a jackass 'cause the juryman might have
+thought so; shouldn't drive him out the box for that.</p>
+
+<p>"Ever been in state-prison?" continued Turtle, resuming the examination.</p>
+
+<p>"S&mdash;i&mdash;r!" ejaculated Mr. Tumbleton, moving towards Ike, with his arm
+raised.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_301" id="Page_301">[Pg 301]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"<i>Or</i>, in the county jail," added Ike, almost in time, and cocking his eye
+saucily at Mr. Tumbleton.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Tumbleton rushed upon Ike, and upset him, before Ike knew that he
+really was in danger.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Turtle rose in a very unruffled manner for him, and asked the court,
+"if sich a contempt as that was to go unnoticed&mdash;a reg'lar admitted 'torney
+assaulted right inter the face of the court&mdash;he moved that Mr. Tumbleton be
+confined in the log jail for twenty-four hours&mdash;out of respect to his honor
+the court."</p>
+
+<p>The judge ordered Mr. Tumbleton to be confined, and thus the second juror
+was disposed of.</p>
+
+<p>"You live up on Poverty Common&mdash;don't you?" continued Ike, as if nothing
+had happened, addressing himself to a runt of a man, who looked as if he
+had been on short feed, and who had strayed on the jury no one knew how.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, I <i>do</i>," answered the man.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Your</i> name is Flummer?"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Flum</i> what?" inquired the juror.</p>
+
+<p>"Flum-<i>mer</i>," answered Ike, tartly.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, whose business is that, if it is?"</p>
+
+<p>"Mine," said Ike. "Wasn't old Zeb Flummer your grandfather?"</p>
+
+<p>"Old Zeb? yes."</p>
+
+<p>"Didn't old Zeb Flummer marry old Sally Beadle?"</p>
+
+<p>"That's what they say."</p>
+
+<p>"And wasn't old Sally Beadle, Charity Beadle's grandmother?"</p>
+
+<p>"S'pose so," said Flummer.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, sir, you can just step out," said Turtle; "the statert cuts you
+short-bob-off; no blood relatives sit<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_302" id="Page_302">[Pg 302]</a></span> here." And the court seemed to
+assent, and Flummer left&mdash;nine jurymen remaining in the box.</p>
+
+<p>Bates "knocked off" three more for "causes," leaving six; and by this time
+the first day was about exhausted. Talesmen were picked up from the
+by-standers to supply the places of the "missing," and the court adjourned.</p>
+
+<p>On the next day, Ike opened the cause in his best style. He gave a
+biography of Philista Filkins, and dwelt upon her ups and downs in this
+mortal life. "He <i>did</i> s'pose, that if there ever <i>was</i> a woman that had
+grief, and <i>stood</i> it, too, 'twas his client, and she was nothin' but a
+woman, nuther. She lik'd to gone off with the measles when she was a child,
+and had been puny-like ever since; her father was kill'd by an oak-tree
+'fore she could do anythin' for herself, down on the Catta-<i>ra</i>-gus,
+leaving a pile of young-uns, he didn't know how many. Her father warn't
+rich, but that warn't neither here nor thar; he was honest, and paid up his
+debts afore he died, to the last cent; he was a man that struggled a good
+deal for a livin', but he got it; allers kept a stiff upper lip, as tho'
+the skies were bright, and the sailin' good. Arter he died, they were a
+most distress<i>ed</i> family. His client, 'bout the year&mdash;'bout the year&mdash;[Ike
+stopped and scratched his head]&mdash;'bout the year&mdash;[he had forgotten when,
+and turning, exclaimed to Aunt Sonora], When in <i>thun</i>der was it that Miss
+Filkins came inter the settlement?"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Wal</i>, now, let me think," answered Aunt Sonora,&mdash;"Brumijim's youngest boy
+died&mdash;died&mdash;when <i>did</i> he die?&mdash;but no matter&mdash;but when we bought our
+brindle cow&mdash;we got her of old lame Gosander, and I recollect<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_303" id="Page_303">[Pg 303]</a></span> jist as well
+as if it was yesterday, that when my boy Jim was drivin' off that 'ere cow
+from Gosander's&mdash;one warm spring mornin'&mdash;that he tell'd me, arter he got
+home, that he met some <i>strang</i>-ers on the road&mdash;and I axed him who they
+were? And Jim said&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"When&mdash;in thunder&mdash;<i>was</i> it?" ejaculated Ike again, who hung suspended in
+the middle of his speech, while the old lady was fogging away over the
+history of the past.</p>
+
+<p>"I was jist a-goin' to tell you! You needn't get so fluster'd 'bout it,"
+answered Aunt Sonora&mdash;"where was I&mdash;O, yes! Jim said, when I axed him&mdash;that
+<i>he</i> didn't know who they were&mdash;guess'd 'twas sumbody that was movin' in to
+settle&mdash;he tell'd me that the woman had on an old legun bunnit&mdash;and
+arterwards I found out that <i>that</i> very woman was Philista Filkins. Now
+you've got it," concluded Aunt Sonora.</p>
+
+<p>As Ike was no wiser than he was before, and he could not wait to
+investigate the point any further, he proceeded: "At any rate, his client
+came inter Puddleford, and had been one of the fust 'mong 'em ever sin'. He
+warn't goin' to repeat what he said afore the court below, <i>now</i>, he would
+wait 'til he summ'd up. He warn't goin' to say nothin' 'bout the unspotted
+character of his client; he warn't goin' to say nothin' 'bout the defendant
+nuther. He warn't a-goin' to say how she would lie, nor how she went around
+a-backbitin' everybody she could get a dab at; there were twenty persons
+within the sound of his voice that know'd that&mdash;that know'd the woman like
+a book."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir-<i>ee</i>!" exclaimed a voice from the crowd, being one of Filkins'
+supporters.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_304" id="Page_304">[Pg 304]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Silence!" roared the court.</p>
+
+<p>"You hear <i>that</i>, don't you, gentle<i>men</i>? They know her like a book."</p>
+
+<p>"No! he warn't goin' to say anythin' 'bout the defendant now. He <i>might</i>
+say enough 'bout her to blow her sky-high; perhaps she wouldn't <i>steal</i>, he
+didn't think she would, but folks who <i>do</i> lie, will steal; but she hadn't
+stole nothin' <i>yet</i>, as he know'd on; he warn't goin' to <i>say</i> so 'tany
+rate;" and thus Ike rambled on for more than an hour before the jury, in
+the opening of his cause, touching upon almost everything connected with
+the rise of Puddleford, and closed by saying, "That they only claimed ten
+dollars damages; but 'twern't the money they were arter; 'twas the great
+principle; his client scorned money as pay for <i>her</i> character; she'd never
+touch a cent on't so long as her name was Filkins&mdash;and he might as well say
+that he, as her counsel, had 'vised her to give every jot on't to some
+relig<i>us</i> institution, or to orphin children, and she'd <i>do</i> it too&mdash;catch
+her takin' that money!"</p>
+
+<p>Bates occupied about as much time as Turtle did in opening for the defence;
+the law permitting both counsel to open together, if they chose to do so;
+and he finished his speech by reading Squire Longbow's return to the jury,
+which he said was more full than anything he could say.</p>
+
+<p>The trial went forward. But I shall not attempt to detail the vicissitudes
+which accompanied it for two days. Every question and every answer was
+objected to, and entered by the court formally on the record. The lie was
+given backward and forward a dozen times or more; the court had often been
+obliged to interfere through the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_305" id="Page_305">[Pg 305]</a></span> sheriff&mdash;all the witnesses on the part of
+the plaintiff were impeached by the defendant's witnesses, who swore their
+reputation for truth and veracity was bad, and that they would not believe
+them under oath; all the witnesses on the part of the defendant were also
+impeached for the same reason. Of course the reputation of the witnesses
+had been utterly destroyed before the trial came on, and long before, by
+each backbiting the other; and when the trial closed, and the arguments
+were ended, the case, if it could have been painted, would have looked very
+much like a militia training, without beginning, middle, or end, form or
+substance, and the jury were about as wise as if they just awoke from a
+hard nightmare.</p>
+
+<p>The court charged the jury&mdash;and <i>such</i> a charge was never "fired off" by
+any man outside of a new country.</p>
+
+<p>Some hundred "p'ints of la'" had been handed up by Turtle and Bates, which
+they said must be noticed&mdash;but Turtle's law and Bates's law were in
+conflict&mdash;but each one declared that <i>his</i> law was <i>the</i> law&mdash;and they
+were, they said, ready, if necessary, to swear to it before any tribunal.</p>
+
+<p>The judge went off with his charge upon the same principle that a man fires
+an old musket into a tree, where he supposes a bird is concealed. Some of
+the shot must hit, and the rest won't do any harm, anyhow.</p>
+
+<p>He told the jury that <i>he</i> had got somethin' to say now&mdash;he was the judge
+of the court, and the jury must pay special attention to what he had to
+offer. 'Torneys were paid for their talk, and the jury could believe 'em
+jest so far as they were a mind-ter and no furder&mdash;the law come from
+him&mdash;if he made a mistake in the law, it was none of the jury's business,
+that would be straightened<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_306" id="Page_306">[Pg 306]</a></span> out somewhere else, by some<i>body</i> else. He
+would proceed now. The action was trespass.</p>
+
+<p>"Not by a long shot!" said Turtle, rising.</p>
+
+<p>"Or," continued the judge, "a-kinder trespass&mdash;it was one woman a-tryin' to
+carry away another woman's character. Now, gentlemen, there has been a
+great deal of evidence in <i>this</i> case, and it don't all 'mount to much
+nuther&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"'Cept to that part of the charge!" exclaimed Ike. "'Don't 'mount to much
+nuther."</p>
+
+<p>"That is," continued the judge, "there ain't much on't to the p'int&mdash;and
+when evidence ain't to the p'int, the court will knock it outer the case,
+if a row of 'ceptions is filed as long as the moral law. Now take the
+impeaching testimony&mdash;what does that all amount to?&mdash;why just
+this:&mdash;Filkins' witnesses don't believe Beadle's witnesses, and so they
+swear&mdash;Beadle's witnesses don't believe Filkins' witnesses, and so <i>they</i>
+swear&mdash;and so the witnesses on one side are just as good as the witnesses
+on t'other side, and you must believe them <i>all</i>, just as fur, gentlemen of
+the jury, as if none of 'em had been impeached; and the court tells you so.
+Any objection to <i>that</i>, Mr. Turtle?"</p>
+
+<p>Turtle said nothing.</p>
+
+<p>"No objection to that, then. Now, then, gentlemen, the defendant below set
+off slanderous words agin slanderous words she had used agin the plaintiff,
+and I let it in agin here, and Mr. Turtle objected. Gentlemen of the jury,
+Mr. Turtle <i>would</i> object, of course&mdash;he is 'torney for plaintiff, but I
+tell you the set-off is <i>law</i>, and I agree with Squire Longbow, who let it
+in. It was right."</p>
+
+<p>Squire Longbow drew his handkerchief and blew a heavy blast out of his nose
+at this compliment.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_307" id="Page_307">[Pg 307]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Now, then, gentlemen, slander is slander&mdash;you all know what slander is&mdash;as
+I said before, it is slander&mdash;it ain't refusing to pay one's debts&mdash;it
+ain't 'zactly takin' one's property&mdash;though character is a kinder
+property&mdash;it ain't stealin'&mdash;but&mdash;but&mdash;it is slander&mdash;if you lie 'bout me,
+'tis slander&mdash;if I lie 'bout you, 'tis slander&mdash;if anybody lies 'bout
+anybody, 'tis slander&mdash;it don't matter <i>what</i> anybody says 'bout anybody,
+if 'tis a lie, 'tis slander. You can now see, gentlemen of the jury, what
+slander is&mdash;how the law looks at slander&mdash;how it is laid down in the books.
+This action is for slander&mdash;and if I should examine all the books, and go
+inter the hull subject fully, you would not know any more 'bout slander,
+gentlemen, than you know 'bout slander now. Any objection to that, Mr.
+Turtle?"</p>
+
+<p>No objection was raised.</p>
+
+<p>"Now, then," continued the court, "you're to look the evidence all over,
+and if you b'lieve the plaintiff has slandered the defendant&mdash;I say, <i>if</i>
+you b'lieve it&mdash;the court has its own notions on <i>that</i> subject too&mdash;but
+'tain't for the court to say&mdash;I say, <i>if</i> you b'lieve, gentlemen, the
+plaintiff <i>has</i> slander'd the defendant&mdash;if you b'lieve it upon your
+oaths&mdash;you're under oath, gentlemen&mdash;you should never forget you're under
+oath, gentlemen&mdash;very solemn duty, gentlemen, you've got-to perform&mdash;I say
+<i>if</i>&mdash;after looking all the testimony all over, you b'lieve it on your
+oaths&mdash;why, then, gentlemen, the court tells you, gentlemen, that you must
+render a verdict for the plaintiff, gentlemen, you must. But if,
+gentlemen&mdash;and here comes the p'int&mdash;the great p'int for you to consider,
+gentlemen, under oath&mdash;if you b'lieve the defendant has <i>not</i> slandered the
+plaintiff, gentlemen&mdash;it's a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_308" id="Page_308">[Pg 308]</a></span> hard charge, slander is, gentlemen&mdash;if you
+b'lieve the defendant has not slandered the plaintiff, why, then, render
+the verdict for the defendant. Mr. Clerk, swear an officer to take charge
+of this jury."</p>
+
+<p>The jury retired and deliberated one day and one night&mdash;but could not
+agree. They returned into court, and were again charged on some law points,
+about which they differed, they said&mdash;they retired again, and after
+quarrelling another half a day, came into court once more, and declared
+they differed this time about the evidence. The court set them right upon
+the particular disputed point of testimony, as <i>he</i> understood it, when
+they appeared a third time, and the foreman announced that they could not
+agree any way, and they wouldn't go out again for the court, or anybody
+else&mdash;and thus forever was ended the famous trial between Filkins and
+Beadle.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_309" id="Page_309">[Pg 309]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CHAPTER XXIII.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Amusements in Puddleford.&mdash;The Highland Fling.&mdash;A Fire-eater
+comes next.&mdash;Runs a Sword down his Throat.&mdash;Starts his
+Ribbon Factory.&mdash;Borrows Squire Longbow's Hat.&mdash;Boils Eggs
+in it.&mdash;The Squire gets into a Passion.&mdash;The Grand Caravan
+is posted.&mdash;Squire Longbow lectures on the Lion.&mdash;Bigelow
+Van Slyek follows on the Ichneumon&mdash;The Caravan
+arrives.&mdash;Great Excitement.&mdash;Jim Buzzard still
+himself.&mdash;Aunt Sonora in Trouble.&mdash;The Band blows away.&mdash;The
+Canvas is raised.&mdash;Terrible Press of Puddlefordians.&mdash;The
+Keeper shows up the Lion.&mdash;Explains why he has no Hair.&mdash;The
+Ichneumon is found at last&mdash;The Monkey Ride.&mdash;Breaking up.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>The amusements of a new country are on a scale with everything else. As
+every people are set to some scale, from the most refined and luxurious, to
+the most rustic and simple, that scale is always preserved in whatever may
+exist. Puddleford was not without its public amusements. It was not beyond
+the reach of strolling vagabonds, and impudent mountebanks. These troops,
+like light, penetrate every quarter of the globe, and, of course, visited
+Puddleford.</p>
+
+<p>One of the first exhibitions which wormed its way among the Puddlefordians
+was made up of a drunken Irishman and a vixen of a woman, a cracked fiddle
+and a greasy fife, all of whom and which performed the "Highland fling"
+with variations and other tunes as the man declared (there were no bills),
+in full costume.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_310" id="Page_310">[Pg 310]</a></span> The Highlander was drunk, and the woman was out of
+temper; the fiddle was crazy, and the fife could scarcely squeak. The
+performance opened with the "Highland fling," was succeeded by the
+"Highland fling," continued by the "Highland fling," and closed by a grand
+display of the "Highland fling." This exhibition being the first that ever
+found its way into the settlement, everybody was delighted. Aunt Sonora
+said, "she didn't b'lieve there war any such Highlanders&mdash;nor any such
+flings nuther&mdash;but the music was very purty, say what they would."</p>
+
+<p>After the Irishman and woman departed, and their memory had nearly faded
+out, a "fire-eater" came on, and positively turned Puddleford nearly
+topsy-turvy. He was certainly a most ferocious character. He boiled eggs in
+a hat, hatched chickens, ate tow, and pulled out ribbons from his mouth;
+swallowed swords, point foremost, burned all the handkerchiefs in the room,
+and restored them to their owners again; and did divers more astonishing
+things, which completely upset the brains of the Puddlefordians, and they
+began to think, before he finished, that he was fresh from the infernal
+regions, and had been sent on by Satan himself.</p>
+
+<p>There had never been such a crowd collected at Puddleford for any purpose
+as assembled to see the wonderful performance of this fire-eater. Mrs.
+Bird, Mrs. Longbow, Mrs. Beagle, Mrs. Swipes, Aunt Sonora, and a few more
+of the female aristocracy of Puddleford, occupied the front seats, which
+were covered with green baize, as a mark of respect and distinction. The
+background was composed of a very miscellaneous sort of people&mdash;Jim Buzzard
+being in the extreme rear, perched upon a barrel.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_311" id="Page_311">[Pg 311]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>It was exceedingly fearful to hear the screams of the women, when the
+performer had a sword half down his throat.</p>
+
+<p>"What is the man a-goin'-ter to do?" exclaimed Mrs. Bird.</p>
+
+<p>"O, murder!&mdash;mur-<i>der</i>!" screamed Aunt Sonora, jumping from her seat.</p>
+
+<p>"O, twitch it out quick&mdash;he's <i>cho</i>-kin'!" gasped Mrs. Swipes.</p>
+
+<p>"See him!&mdash;see him!" exclaimed a dozen voices at once. "Stop him!" "Run!"
+"'Tis goin' right straight inter his throat." "He's dyin'! How his eyeballs
+glare!" "Squire Longbow!&mdash;Squire Longbow!&mdash;run&mdash;run&mdash;you're a peace
+officer&mdash;don't see him die!" "There! O, dear me&mdash;'tis gone down&mdash;it's outer
+sight&mdash;he's swaller'd it <i>now</i>." "He's got it inter him, mor'n three feet
+long." "How it must cut!" "There&mdash;there!" "I see it&mdash;he's pullin' it up
+agin." "I can jest see the tip end of the handle&mdash;but there ain't no blood
+on't." "How can he get it out?" "Well, if it ain't a comin' right out, I
+wouldn't say so, handle and all!" "O, dear me&mdash;whoever heer'd of a man
+swallerin' a sword afore!" "How his in'ards must feel!" And so on, keeping
+the house in a tempest of noise and alarm.</p>
+
+<p>When the performer, however, began to make ready to run his "ribbon
+factory," as he called it, the women recovered from their fright, and were
+in high glee, particularly during the preliminary remarks, and during the
+tow-stuffing exercises. He was, beyond all question, a very funny man, and
+said a host of very funny things. He threw himself into many strange
+shapes, twisted his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_312" id="Page_312">[Pg 312]</a></span> face out of form&mdash;looked gay and looked solemn by
+turns, and kept the house in a continual burst of merriment.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Bird declared "she should die a <i>lafin</i>'."</p>
+
+<p>Aunt Sonora said "it <i>did</i> seem as if her sides would split right open."</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Swipes said "she know'd that it <i>did</i> beat all&mdash;he was the oddest
+critter that ever com'd into the settlement."</p>
+
+<p>Ike Turtle said "he was <i>sum</i>, if not more."</p>
+
+<p>Bates declared "he must stay over another night."</p>
+
+<p>Squire Longbow said but little. He sat and shook his sides. "It was as good
+as anything he ever see'd down on-ter the Susquehannas. He was so glad the
+man had come so far jist to amuse 'em a little."</p>
+
+<p>But when the man began deliberately to light up the tow, and to set his
+mouth all in a blaze, the screams commenced again.</p>
+
+<p>"He will blow up&mdash;he will blow up!" said one.</p>
+
+<p>"He's all-on-a fire!" another.</p>
+
+<p>"How the sparks do fly out of his mouth!"</p>
+
+<p>"'Tis fire! 'Tis <i>raal</i> fire!"</p>
+
+<p>"O&mdash;d-e-a-r!"</p>
+
+<p>"Take him some <i>wa</i>-ter!"</p>
+
+<p>"I say, <i>mister</i>&mdash;mister," exclaimed Mr. Longbow, who had become really
+frightened, and who could sit still no longer, when he saw the man
+positively burning up&mdash;"Did you really mean to set that <i>tow</i> on fire?
+Don't it <i>burn</i>, mister? Don't you want some help? I say, sir, mis-<i>ter</i>!"</p>
+
+<p>The man answered by blowing a stream of sparks out of his mouth straight at
+the Squire, who started back in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_313" id="Page_313">[Pg 313]</a></span> terror, and overset Mrs. Longbow, who
+uttered an unearthly scream.</p>
+
+<p>The fire flickered out at last, and order was restored.</p>
+
+<p>This was followed by the "ribbon factory," and the man pulled a pile of
+them out of his mouth, of all sizes and colors, and scattered them around
+his feet in the most reckless manner.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't tromp on 'em," said Aunt Sonora.</p>
+
+<p>"He ought to be <i>keer</i>ful on 'em," said another.</p>
+
+<p>"If Whistle &amp; Sharp only sold sich ribbons," another.</p>
+
+<p>"And to think," continued Mrs. Bird, "they come right out on him, too."</p>
+
+<p>"He keeps 'em in his <i>butes</i>," roared Turtle.</p>
+
+<p>"They don't come out of his <i>butes</i> at all," said Aunt Sonora; "they're all
+in his <i>mouth</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"He didn't put 'em <i>in</i> his butes," said Mrs. Swipes; "how could they come
+out on 'em?"</p>
+
+<p>"Put 'em in 'fore he come," said Turtle.</p>
+
+<p>"I say, mister," inquired Squire Longbow, who wished to settle the disputed
+point for the benefit of all, "did you put them 'are ribbons inter yer
+butes 'fore you come?"</p>
+
+<p>The man cocked his eye, and kept pulling away.</p>
+
+<p>The Squire looked indignant.</p>
+
+<p>"Ask him if they are raal ribbons," said Aunt Sonora.</p>
+
+<p>"I say, mister," stammered the Squire, again rising, "are them 'are raal
+ribbons?"</p>
+
+<p>The man still pulled.</p>
+
+<p>"Won't answer no questions!" exclaimed the Squire, and he sat down. The
+ribbon factory at last ran out.</p>
+
+<p>The only other exercise of importance was cooking eggs in a hat. The
+performer had borrowed the Squire's hat in the most polite way possible,
+saying, "he would<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_314" id="Page_314">[Pg 314]</a></span> confer a great favor upon him for the loan of it for a
+few moments; it would so much aid him in his feats. It was just <i>the</i> hat
+he wanted&mdash;it was sometimes difficult for him to find just <i>the</i> hat&mdash;but
+the Squire's hat filled his eye to a dot."</p>
+
+<p>Now the Squire's hat was the most remarkable hat in all Puddleford. It was
+a broad-brimmed affair, "raal beaver," he said, which he'd worn mor'n
+twenty years. He bought it down on the "Susquehannas," and had watched it
+with sacred care ever since he had owned it. He wore it on Sunday, Fourth
+of July, on town-meeting days, and on all special occasions. He kept it the
+rest of the time in a closet in the "<i>cham</i>-ber," covered with a piece of
+"ile-cloth," which was about as ancient as the hat. There was one grease
+spot on it, and only one, and there was not a man, woman, or child in the
+settlement who did not know how it "come on," for the Squire had detailed
+the circumstances that led to the catastrophe, a hundred times.</p>
+
+<p>The hat was set upon the floor, and the performer brought out a basket of
+eggs, and bowing gracefully, holding one in his hand at the same time, said
+he would cook a dozen in that hat, pointing to the Squire's hat
+significantly.</p>
+
+<p>"S-i-r!" exclaimed the Squire.</p>
+
+<p>"Keep easy, sir!" said the man.</p>
+
+<p>"In&mdash;my&mdash;hat!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir! in your <i>hat</i>!"</p>
+
+<p>"In my <i>beaver</i> hat?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir!"</p>
+
+<p>"Cook <i>eggs</i>?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir! <i>Cook</i> 'em!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_315" id="Page_315">[Pg 315]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"That hat!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir! I say <i>that</i> hat!"</p>
+
+<p>"Down in front!" exclaimed Turtle; "can't see."</p>
+
+<p>"That hat!" gasped the Squire again.</p>
+
+<p>"He's gummin' you," roared Turtle; "can't cook eggs in a hat. Down in
+front!"</p>
+
+<p>Squire Longbow was very much excited, and had turned very red in the face.
+He could not help but think what his first wife would say if she was
+there&mdash;what she would say if she saw that hat with eggs "a-bilin'" in
+it&mdash;but perhaps the showman was "a-tryin'" to scare him, as Turtle said&mdash;he
+would wait a little and watch him closely.</p>
+
+<p>"And now," said the performer, "examine this egg&mdash;it is a real egg&mdash;and now
+you see me break it&mdash;and now it is broke&mdash;and now," cracking it apart with
+his thumb nails, and looking down into the Squire's hat&mdash;"there <i>it goes</i>!"</p>
+
+<p>"Twenty-five dollars! twenty-five dollars for that!" ejaculated the Squire,
+filled with fury, and jumping towards the performer, with his fist doubled,
+and his teeth firm set. "You're a great scoundrel, sir&mdash;you <i>borrow'd</i> that
+hat, sir&mdash;you borrowed it of me, sir&mdash;it is <i>my</i> hat, sir, that you've got,
+sir&mdash;my name is Longbow, sir&mdash;<i>Squire</i> Longbow, sir&mdash;that's my beaver hat,
+sir&mdash;twenty years old, sir&mdash;cost ten dollars, sir!"</p>
+
+<p>"And there goes another," continued the performer, amid the stamping and
+roars of the audience, popping another egg into the Squire's hat, in the
+coolest manner possible, disregarding the tempest around him.</p>
+
+<p>"I call upon Mr. Turtle to witness!" continued the Squire; "I'll ish-er a
+warrant for you, sir&mdash;I'll have<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_316" id="Page_316">[Pg 316]</a></span> you up, sir&mdash;before <i>me</i>, sir&mdash;you can't
+<i>pay</i> me for that 'ere hat, sir&mdash;you'll be imprison'd&mdash;you'll go to jail,
+sir&mdash;you won't spile any more people's hats, sir&mdash;you won't bile eggs,
+arter this, sir&mdash;it's your last bilin', sir&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>By this time the smoke was rising out of the Squire's hat and curling away
+towards the ceiling, and the smell of cooked eggs was waxing strong in the
+nostrils, and the hat, so they all said, was "gone for sartin."</p>
+
+<p>"La!" exclaimed Aunt Sonora, as she saw the fate of the hat, "what wicked
+critters these performers are; sit right down and burn up a hat&mdash;a-bilin'
+eggs in it!"</p>
+
+<p>The performer returned Squire Longbow's hat, after he had concluded his
+wonderful experiment of cooking eggs, but the old man looked upon it with
+suspicion. He turned it over and over, and smelled of it, but declared, at
+last, that it was his old beaver, and jest as good as new; whereupon he
+apologized for his getting into a passion, and gave as a reason, that it
+"was the first time he ever saw the trick done&mdash;but now he know'd the man
+was a gentleman, every inch on him."</p>
+
+<p>But the most remarkable exhibition that ever fell upon Puddleford occurred
+after this. A caravan of wild animals, about the autumnal days, took
+Puddleford in its way. It was called the <i>grand</i> caravan. Quite a flaming
+poster preceded the animals themselves. The bill was indeed a very
+attractive-looking affair. There was a lion and a tiger painted on it, at a
+dead lock. The lion, it appeared, had opened the tiger's bowels, and the
+tiger had opened the lion's bowels&mdash;the lion had torn the tiger's head, and
+the tiger had torn the lion's head&mdash;these two furious beasts seemed to be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_317" id="Page_317">[Pg 317]</a></span>
+about on an equal footing. An elephant was also portrayed in a very stately
+manner, carrying a house full of people on his back, who were armed to the
+teeth, for some unknown purpose, and who also supported a stern-looking
+gentleman, seated upon his tusks, who carried a long pole in his hand.
+Monkeys of all sizes were scattered around the picture. Some climbing
+trees, some chattering higher up in the branches, and some cutting curious
+antics, evidently for the gratuitous amusement of the public who might
+choose to look on. This bill was posted up at the Eagle, and it created a
+very great excitement throughout Puddleford and the adjacent country.
+Scores of people came in from "round about," to wonder over and digest this
+wonderful "picter." Aunt Sonora, Mrs. Swipes, Mrs. Bird, Mrs. Beagle, Mrs.
+Longbow, and their husbands, the "Colonel," Bigelow Van Slyck, Jim Buzzard,
+and scores of ragged children, pressed into the bar-room, day after day,
+and "Oh'd" and "Ah'd" over it. All kinds of comments were made by the
+multitude. The origin, history, habits, and ferocity of the animals were
+sagely discussed and settled. Squire Longbow, among the rest, told
+wonderful stories about the "roar" of the lion&mdash;how he "shak't the whole
+woods, when he got his wrath up, and made all the other animals run and
+hide themselves&mdash;he said they'd all have to stop their ears if that feller
+(pointing to the said lion on the show-bill) giv' 'em a blast&mdash;he heer'd
+one roar onct, down onter the Susquehannas, and he shouldn't forget it the
+longest day <i>he</i> lived."</p>
+
+<p>Aunt Sonora inquired of Squire Longbow, "where lions came from, and how
+they got 'em here, and if they were <i>dang</i>-rous animals, and would bite
+people."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_318" id="Page_318">[Pg 318]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The Squire drew a long a-hem! stretched out his legs, and looked very wise,
+for he thought if there was anything that he <i>did</i> know about, it was about
+lions. He recollected just how that lion looked that he saw down on the
+Susquehannas. He knew, too, that there was no other person in Puddleford
+that could throw any light upon the subject of lions. So the Squire began
+in the most profound manner to answer Aunt Sonora. "The lion," said the
+Squire, "the great African lion&mdash;jist sich a lion as you see on that 'ere
+bill&mdash;inasmuch as you have axed me, I tell you, comes from the jungles of
+the torrid zone."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Bates wanted to know what "a jungle was, while he was about his lion
+story?"</p>
+
+<p>"A jungle&mdash;a jungle," continued the Squire, coughing in his embarrassment;
+"a jungle&mdash;is&mdash;a&mdash;place&mdash;a kind-er cave, where the lions go, deep inter the
+airth, and where they can growl and roar, without disturbin' anybody."</p>
+
+<p>"Inter the <i>airth</i>?" exclaimed Turtle; "how do they catch 'em, then?"</p>
+
+<p>"How do they ketch 'em?&mdash;how do they ketch 'em?" exclaimed the Squire; "how
+do <i>I</i> know?&mdash;how can <i>I</i> tell?&mdash;<i>I've</i> never been in Africa&mdash;I was only
+tellin' how the lions liv'd."</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Bird asked the Squire what the lions ate?</p>
+
+<p>"Anything they can get," answered the Squire, very philosophically; "they
+ain't 'tall particular."</p>
+
+<p>"Don't eat grass, do they?"</p>
+
+<p>The Squire said he "shouldn't be s'prised if they did."</p>
+
+<p>"Do they eat up men and women?"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Wal</i>," answered the Squire, "to tell you the plain truth, I s'pose they
+do."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_319" id="Page_319">[Pg 319]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"O Lordy!" exclaimed Mrs. Bird. "Ugh! how he looks!"</p>
+
+<p>During all this time the young Puddlefordians, dirty and barefooted, who
+had crowded themselves into a corner in a distant part of the room, were
+filled with terror during the Squire's sage remarks, and fairly trembled
+for their safety.</p>
+
+<p>Jim Buzzard took occasion to say that "he s'posed the an-<i>er</i>-mals <i>would</i>
+bite, but he warn't goin' to be scart, if they had 'em fasten'd in
+cages&mdash;but if they were goin' ter run loose, he'd be gaul-blasted if they
+seed him round thar when they com'd&mdash;he'd jest let 'em know he warn't
+a-goin' to be eat up by their lions and elephuntses&mdash;he didn't care nothin'
+'bout their monkeys&mdash;he warn't 'fraid of them, nohow&mdash;but them 'are
+lions&mdash;what <i>teeth</i> they have got&mdash;O! mighty!&mdash;guess'd they wouldn't ketch
+him round them grinders."</p>
+
+<p>The bill, among other startling announcements, declared that "the
+celebrated animal mentioned in Holy Writ, and now known as the Ichneumon,"
+would be exhibited&mdash;that it was the first time any company had ever
+succeeded in carrying him so far into the interior, as he was very partial
+to salt water, and suffered very much, and grew very faint and weak, when
+removed any distance away from it.</p>
+
+<p>The showman had been very careful not to furnish a picture of the
+Ichneumon, whose peculiarities had been so vividly portrayed in print, and
+the Puddlefordians were in great doubt about his real appearance. There
+were many curious speculations, and sage reflections indulged in by the
+more learned portion of the crowd, about his origin and history. It was
+very difficult, in the first place, to pronounce his name.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_320" id="Page_320">[Pg 320]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Bigelow Van Slyck, who was a host at Puddleford in philology, attempted to
+give the most correct pronunciation of the word. It was "<i>Ich</i>, something,"
+he said&mdash;"probably the whole word was taken from Ich&mdash;and that was an
+animal that scratched himself&mdash;and yet he didn't believe this animal had
+any hair&mdash;and it was only hairy animals that <i>did</i> scratch themselves&mdash;and
+the reason why he thought the animal hadn't any hair, was, that he must be
+a salt-water animal&mdash;for the bill said he was mentioned in Holy Writ&mdash;and
+also, that he couldn't live away from salt-water. He thought he knew
+<i>sun</i>-thin' 'bout Holy Writ&mdash;he <i>thought</i> he did&mdash;and sunthin' 'bout
+animals, too&mdash;and if <i>he</i> was to give his opinion, he should say the
+Ichneumon was the great Le-<i>vi</i>-a-<i>thern</i>, that went into the mighty deep!"
+(Here Bigelow raised upon his toes, and spread out his arms, as if to show
+the crowd how big the great Le-<i>vi</i>-a-<i>thern</i> was.)</p>
+
+<p>Bigelow's oration produced a very solemn effect on the Puddlefordians. The
+idea that the great Leviathan, of Holy Writ, was really coming into their
+midst, was a most astounding thought to every man, woman, and child
+present.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Longbow, who was a member of Bigelow's church, as has been seen,
+wanted to know "in what part of Holy Writ that 'are Ich-what-do-ye-call-it
+was found?"</p>
+
+<p>Bigelow said it was somewhere&mdash;he couldn't 'zactly tell&mdash;it was either in
+the <i>Old</i> or <i>New</i> Testament, he was very&mdash;"<i>sar</i>tin."</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Longbow said "she'd never see'd it."</p>
+
+<p>Bigelow said "he'd never seen him nuther."</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Longbow explained&mdash;"she'd never seen the animal in the <i>Holy Writ</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_321" id="Page_321">[Pg 321]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Bigelow thought, "if she'd look, she'd find it."</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Longbow said "she'd look now."</p>
+
+<p>Bigelow said "he hadn't time <i>now</i>, but he'd look it up by next Sunday, and
+preach on't."</p>
+
+<p>Turtle, who had been carefully watching Bigelow in his attempt to identify
+the Ichneumon, and who had great respect for his opinion in all matters
+connected with Holy Writ, thought he discovered a flaw in the argument. He
+would "jest like to know how they could carry around a salt-water animal on
+land?"</p>
+
+<p>Bigelow said "he warn't alive&mdash;he was stuff'd. It didn't say the celebrated
+<i>live</i> animal called the Ichneumen."</p>
+
+<p>"But it did say," replied Turtle, "that it was the first time they had
+succeeded in carrying the animal so far in the interior."</p>
+
+<p>Bigelow was a little puzzled at this&mdash;but said, "he s'posed it was in great
+danger of being stolen&mdash;but at any rate, the Ichneumen was the great
+Levia<i>thern</i>, or some other&mdash;very&mdash;strange&mdash;animal,&mdash;<i>that</i> he was sure
+of."</p>
+
+<p>Squire Longbow, who had listened in the most dignified manner to all that
+Bigelow had said, heaved a long sigh at his last remark, and declared that
+Bigelow had, in his opinion, "s'plained the whole thing&mdash;and 'twas clear
+'nough to him that the Ich-nu-men was the Viathen&mdash;'tany rate, he know'd
+the Viathen was the Ich-nu-men."</p>
+
+<p>The excitement was very great from the time the bill was posted until the
+grand caravan actually arrived. Very little else was talked about, or
+thought of in Puddleford, and the region round about. Every business,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_322" id="Page_322">[Pg 322]</a></span> and
+every domestic and social arrangement had reference to the coming event.
+Squire Longbow had declared, two weeks before the day fixed for the
+performance, that no law business would be done in his office on show-day.
+Turtle had issued a similar proclamation. Important financial arrangements
+were everywhere matured to enable the Puddlefordians to "raise the wind,"
+so they might procure an entrance behind the canvas. The draft of ready
+money upon the people threatened to be very disastrous, for the admission
+was two shillings per head, children half price&mdash;cash down.</p>
+
+<p>The caravan was expected to arrive at about ten o'clock in the forenoon.
+But the mighty multitude, who had some distance to travel, packed and
+provisioned, and started on their way the day previous. Everybody was
+determined to be on the ground when the first blow was struck. The morning
+of the long-looked for period presented a spectacle more stirring and
+sublime than anything which had ever been before known. Every man, woman,
+and child was dressed in his or her best. Many had strained a point, and
+appeared in a style so rich that they were scarcely known by their best
+friends. And then, too, every person appeared to be so full of good humor
+and smiles, that it really seemed to be the only desire of all to make each
+other happy. Squire Longbow shone like a dollar. The old homespun coat and
+beaver hat wore a new brightness about them; and, what was very unusual for
+the Squire, he had procured a new hickory cane, and had cut "Longbow" upon
+it, which very much added to his dignity. Turtle had actually mounted a
+clean collar, which was one of the most remarkable occurrences of the
+season. Jim Buzzard, however, had not<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_323" id="Page_323">[Pg 323]</a></span> met with any change, outwardly or
+inwardly. He wore the same hat, coat, and boots that were found with him
+when he was first seen sunning himself on a dry-goods box, one morning, in
+the streets of Puddleford. The hat was a little more jammed up, and the
+boots gaped a little wider&mdash;but he was still the same Jim Buzzard, and they
+were still the same hat and boots. They bade fair to last as long as he
+did. His garments seemed to have grown <i>to</i> him, and to have become a part
+<i>of</i> him&mdash;to have formed a sort of attachment for him, and he really looked
+as if he had been born with these very clothes on.</p>
+
+<p>Jim sauntered around and said nothing. Sometimes he might be seen perched
+away off by himself upon a post, overlooking the crowd&mdash;sometimes stretched
+out on a box in the sun, snoring, and making ready for the coming occasion.
+He knew he would get in. He had no money, but he was a philosopher. He let
+matters take care of themselves, and as he had always been provided for, he
+felt perfectly satisfied that he always would be.</p>
+
+<p>Everybody inquired very particularly about everybody's family on that day;
+and why shouldn't everybody inquire about everybody's family, for it was
+the day of the great caravan, and everybody was of course overflowing with
+joy. Mrs. Longbow assured Aunt Sonora, that "she would sartinly call on her
+the very next afternoon;" and Aunt Sonora apologized for not having dropp'd
+in to take tea with Mrs. Longbow, long afore. Mrs. Bird went so far as to
+inquire of Mr. Longbow, "how his cousins," which she said she had heer'd
+on, were gettin' along down on the Susquehannas&mdash;the only time before or
+since that the old lady ever alluded to the Squire's cousins, down on the
+Susquehannas, or anywhere else.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_324" id="Page_324">[Pg 324]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The grand caravan at last appeared in the distance, preceded by a cloud of
+dust, and heralded by distant strains of music. The shock was
+electrical&mdash;the rush was immense. The boys ran, and turned somersets&mdash;the
+men ran after the boys, and the women ran after the men. Jim Buzzard,
+disturbed by the "noise and confusion," actually rolled off a box, where he
+was dozing; crawled to his feet, and rubbed his eyes open with his fist.
+The jam was really terrific&mdash;women lost portions of their dresses, men's
+hats flew off, and somehow, in the hurly-burly and jam, Squire Longbow
+missed his beaver hat, cane, and eye-shade. The Squire was in great mental
+excitement, as well as in bodily danger. He panted for breath, and plodded
+on the best way he could. Even a man of his distinction was not regarded on
+that day. Among other trials and reverses, he found himself separated from
+Mrs. Longbow, who, for anything he knew, was "trampled to death,"
+somewhere; and with one eye on the grand caravan, and the other (the blind
+one) looking after his second wife, he hurried along, muttering to himself
+like some mad animal. He was dashed on to Mr. Turtle in his progress, and
+nearly upset that respectable legal gentleman. Mr. Turtle rose, filled with
+wrath, and with drawn fist, and just saw his mistake in time before the
+blow descended. "O, it's <i>you</i>, Squire!" said Mr. Turtle. Squire Longbow
+asked Mr. Turtle where his wife was? Mr. Turtle, very much excited, said
+something which the Squire did not understand, and pointed nowhere in
+particular, and then bounded on after the grand caravan. The Squire, after
+twisting and turning, and panting and blowing, and after having overturned
+three or four innocent women, who happened to be in his way,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_325" id="Page_325">[Pg 325]</a></span> found himself
+at last out of the rush, in the corner of a rail fence, blowing his flushed
+face with his best cotton handkerchief. When he came to himself, he began
+to think. He recollected that he was a magistrate yet, and if anybody
+<i>should</i> steal his hat, cane, or his eye-shade, he muttered, "he'd bring
+'em afore him by daylight next morning, he would&mdash;he'd have some kinder la'
+in town, if <i>'twas</i> caravan day."</p>
+
+<p>The fate of Aunt Sonora was about as melancholy as that of the Squire. She
+was somehow drawn into the tide, and as the good old lady could not move
+fast, the current that passed her on each side rolled her round and round,
+as she stood, first one way and then the other, until she became completely
+peeled of her outer clothes. Cries were jerked out of her in a spasmodic
+way, as she could catch her breath. "Massy&mdash;massy! O, massy&mdash;me!
+I'm&mdash;k-i-l-l-'d!" and many more heart-rending exclamations she uttered; but
+it was the great caravan that was coming, and she was neither heard nor
+heeded. When she escaped, she looked as if she had been plucked of all her
+feathers; she, however, quietly slid into the house of Mrs. Longbow, which
+was near by, for repairs. When she found herself able to speak, she
+declared, "if <i>that</i> was the <i>way</i> the caravan was a-goin' to use folks,
+she hop'd <i>lite</i>-ning would strike 'em 'fore they got out-er the
+settlement&mdash;they'd sp'ilt her shillin' caliker dress, and she wouldn't gin
+it for all the monkeys the confounded consarn had."</p>
+
+<p>But the caravan moved on regardless of accidents, and the music grew
+stronger and stronger, as it approached nearer and nearer; and as the
+breeze cast aside the dust, men, and horses, and wagons were seen moving
+forward,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_326" id="Page_326">[Pg 326]</a></span> solemnly preceded by an elephant, which carried a stately looking
+gentleman upon his tusks, according to the representation on the bill. As
+the procession approached the village, its extent and magnificence began to
+dwindle. Alas! three wagons and one sickly-looking elephant comprised the
+whole affair. The people were evidently very much disappointed. The bill
+was a very large bill, and they did not see how it was possible for the few
+vehicles that came into town, to hold all the live stock which had been
+promised.</p>
+
+<p>Squire Longbow still stood in the corner of the rail fence, looking out for
+the lion, for he had pledged his reputation to the Puddlefordians that the
+lion should be all that he had promised. He didn't know whether he would
+come on foot or not, housed or open; but the Squire saw no lion, nor any
+place for one.</p>
+
+<p>Bigelow was busy sharply scenting out the "<i>Ich</i>-nu-men, celebrated in Holy
+Writ," as the bill declared. He felt it to be his duty to take a kind of
+guardianship over the Ich-nu-men, while he might favor Puddleford with his
+presence, because he <i>was</i> associated with Holy Writ; but Bigelow could not
+find him anywhere, living or dead, kicking or stuffed. He was much
+disappointed, but took courage from the hope that he was shut up from
+vulgar gaze in one of the strong cages.</p>
+
+<p>The musicians still blowed their blast, as the cavalcade wound its way
+through the principal streets. The bill declared that the band was the
+celebrated "Boston Band," led by Monsieur Huzzleguget, and, according to
+<i>that</i>, it was composed of some twenty-four performers, drawn by six fiery
+steeds, attached to a Grecian chariot, driven by one elegant-looking
+gentleman, heavily whiskered, who<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_327" id="Page_327">[Pg 327]</a></span> must have been some six feet high; but,
+alas! the band itself that led on the animals through the streets of
+Puddleford consisted of only four seedy-looking performers, who carried
+three rusty copper horns and a bass drum, which was beat by a
+melancholy-looking boy. The three horn-men had blown their faces as round
+as pumpkins, and as red, too; or something besides wind, perhaps, had blown
+the color into their faces, for they occasionally took something to drink,
+during the heat of the exercises, from a bottle which they kept under the
+seat of the chariot.</p>
+
+<p>The chariot was a large high-boarded wagon, and painted red, and was drawn
+by a couple of jaded "tugs," who showed plainly enough that their days were
+fast drawing to a close. But the music still blowed, and the procession
+moved on, and the Puddlefordians were as much delighted as if the
+proclamation had been fully realized.</p>
+
+<p>Up went the canvas, and the show prepared to open. The hurry to enter was
+most marvellous&mdash;such a crowd Puddleford never saw before. Even Squire
+Longbow could not wait until the doors were actually opened. He was
+bewitched to see the great African lion. The Squire, as a peace-officer,
+ordered the crowd to keep back, in reality for the purpose of giving him
+and Mrs. Longbow a better chance; but the Squire's commands were entirely
+disregarded; he had sunk down to the level of a mere citizen; he was
+stripped of all his power; it was the great caravan day, and who cared for
+a justice of the peace on such an occasion?</p>
+
+<p>Aunt Sonora having repaired the disasters of the forenoon, had determined
+to see the fun out. She had put<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_328" id="Page_328">[Pg 328]</a></span> on her "'t'other frock," and looked as
+well as she did before she had been peeled through the morning multitude.
+The doors were opened at last, and the "rush" entered, and in a few moments
+the canvas was alive with human beings. The grand caravan now on exhibition
+was originally the fag-end of a large concern, which had been bought up by
+sharpers to swindle the people. I say, originally, because this fag-end had
+been divided up into three smaller fag-ends which were out in different
+parts of the new country scouring around for money. The Puddleford fag-end
+had a runt of a lion, who was very evidently on his last legs; for he had
+been travelled until his hair was worn entirely off, and his spirits
+exhausted. It was very clear that he was showing himself for about the last
+time. The elephant was diseased, and the tiger was about four times the
+size of a cat. There were three dirty-looking monkeys in a cage eating
+crackers and hickory nuts, and chatting and throwing shucks through the
+bars at the gaping crowd&mdash;an ichneumon&mdash;a black bear, the only hearty
+fellow in the concern&mdash;and a mussy-looking ostrich, who had lost his
+tail-feathers in his peregrinations through the globe. This was <i>the</i>
+caravan.</p>
+
+<p>Aunt Sonora entered, trembling.&mdash;"Dear me! dear me! dear me!" she uttered
+to herself as she went in; "and so this is really the great caravan; if the
+animals should get loose&mdash;and there&mdash;O, there&mdash;is that the lion!" she
+exclaimed involuntarily to those around her, starting back, as she saw the
+bars of a cage in the distance,&mdash;"are them bars iron?" she exclaimed,
+looking frightened.</p>
+
+<p>"Walk up! walk up!" exclaimed the keeper, as he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_329" id="Page_329">[Pg 329]</a></span> saw several persons
+standing back; "the lion is one of the most docile animals we have, ladies
+and gentlemen; he never bites, ladies and gentlemen; got him in a strong
+cage; walk up, ladies and gentlemen, and see the <i>li</i>-on, the monarch of
+the forest, as he is called."</p>
+
+<p>"How his eyeballs glare!" exclaimed Aunt Sonora, disregarding the peaceful
+proclamation of the keeper, as the great African lion looked up lazily, and
+brushed a fly from his nose with his fore-paw.</p>
+
+<p>"This African lion, ladies and gentlemen," continued the keeper, "is
+fourteen years old; was caught in the great jungles of Ethiopia, by
+throwing a <i>large</i> rope around <i>his</i> neck when he was <i>a</i>-sleeping, ladies
+and gentlemen; he floundered a good deal, ladies and gentlemen, but he was
+caught and brought away to the shores of Ameri-<i>ca</i>, where he has been ever
+since. Nobody need be afear'd, for he never breaks out of his cage, and
+always minds his keeper. Walk up <i>clo</i>-ser and look at the animal, ladies
+and gentlemen." Here the keeper struck the iron bars of the cage a heavy
+blow with a stick which he carried, but the great African lion took no
+notice of it.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't be skeer'd," exclaimed Mrs. Swipes, who had listened attentively to
+the assurances of the keeper, addressing herself to Miss Lavinia Longbow,
+whom she held between herself and the great African lion, as a precaution;
+"don't be skeer'd, he's one of the most docil<i>est</i> animals in the whole
+caravan, the keeper says; push along. Don't be skeer'd; go right up to
+where he is a-lying."</p>
+
+<p>"This," exclaimed Squire Longbow, in a loud tone of voice, to a host of
+Puddlefordians who had gathered around him for protection; "this is the
+great lion I tell'd you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_330" id="Page_330">[Pg 330]</a></span> about; he ain't so large as the one I onct saw
+down onter the Susquehannas. Can he roar any, Mr. Keeper?" continued the
+Squire, turning solemnly, and addressing himself to that august personage
+with his usual dignity.</p>
+
+<p>"He's a perfect roarer, ladies and gentlemen!" answered the keeper; "but
+the lion don't roar at this time of the year&mdash;you don't understand the
+nater of the animal&mdash;he loses his voice during the latter part of the
+season. You ought to have heard him last spring, when he was in the roaring
+mood, ladies and gentlemen."</p>
+
+<p>"Bless us!" exclaimed Aunt Sonora.</p>
+
+<p>"Frightened the children half to death," said the keeper.</p>
+
+<p>"The great&mdash;African lion," muttered Aunt Sonora.</p>
+
+<p>"But he won't <i>roar</i> now, ladies and gentlemen&mdash;walk up, walk up!"</p>
+
+<p>"Com'd from the jungles, I s'pose," inquired the Squire, with much gravity.</p>
+
+<p>"Caught right <i>in</i> a jungle," said the keeper.</p>
+
+<p>"Jest as I told you!" said the Squire, turning around to his friends.</p>
+
+<p>"Has he got <i>claws</i>?" inquired Aunt Sonora.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Claws!</i>" exclaimed the keeper, looking astonished; "the great&mdash;African
+lion&mdash;got claws? Bless you! why he's <i>all</i> claws and teeth; let me show
+them to you;" and the keeper ran his arm into the cage, in the act of
+pulling out one of the paws of the ferocious beast; when all Puddleford
+started with a rush for the door, mingled with screams that were most
+heart-rending.</p>
+
+<p>"Never mind," said the keeper, who had become affected by the terror around
+him; "we won't show the lion's claws now."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_331" id="Page_331">[Pg 331]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Order being restored, Mrs. Bird wanted to know why the lion "hadn't got any
+<i>har</i>?"</p>
+
+<p>"Any <i>what</i>?" inquired the keeper, peering through the crowd to find where
+the voice came from, and what it said.</p>
+
+<p>"Any <i>har</i>, Mr. Keeper."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah! O, yes&mdash;any <i>hair</i>&mdash;I see&mdash;it is a <i>lady</i> who makes the inquiry. Why
+the animal hasn't got any hair? Yes, yes, very proper inquiry. We like to
+answer such questions, or <i>any</i> questions. These animals are great
+curiosities; and we travel for the instruction of the people. Why the
+animal hasn't got any hair? Put all the questions you can think of, ladies
+and gentlemen. The animal <i>hasn't</i> got any hair just now. Well, ladies and
+gentlemen, he has just shed his coat&mdash;the lion is the monarch of the
+forest&mdash;<i>he</i> sheds <i>his</i> coat in the fall of the year, ladies and
+gentlemen; <i>he's</i> from Africa, where the animals shed their coats at a
+different season from the animals in this country; and the lion does just
+as he would do if he were in Africa now, ladies and gentlemen. A very
+proper question that, ladies and gentlemen; the lion is a wonderful
+beast&mdash;the most wonderful beast, ladies and gentlemen, we have. Any more
+questions? He has shed his coat, you see; looks bad just now. A sight at
+the lion alone is worth the whole admission money. Any more questions?"</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Bird wanted to know of the keeper if he couldn't make him "snap and
+snarl a little."</p>
+
+<p>As the lion could scarcely stand upon his legs, the request of Mrs. Bird
+rather took the keeper aback for a moment. But he recovered himself and
+proceeded. He said he <i>could</i> do it&mdash;<i>did</i> do it sometimes&mdash;but he didn't<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_332" id="Page_332">[Pg 332]</a></span>
+like to do it. "You see, ladies and gentlemen, that he is very docile now;
+resting <i>very</i> quiet; nothing disturbs him; but if he should get once
+roused up, there is no knowing what he would do; I have stirred him up upon
+particular request, but I never do it of my own accord, ladies and
+gentlemen. We don't propose to do any such thing on our bills; we don't
+like to do such a thing; but we always mean to satisfy the public, ladies
+and gentlemen." Here the keeper started for a long pole with a sharp spike
+in the end of it, and returning with it in his hand, announced, "I will now
+make the great African lion foam and rage, and gnash his teeth."</p>
+
+<p>A scream of terror went up from the whole multitude, filled with broken
+ejaculations. "Murder!" "Don't!" "Let me out!" "Stop him!" and everybody
+rushed in the wildest confusion a second time for the door.</p>
+
+<p>The keeper laid down his pole, and calmed the crowd.</p>
+
+<p>The exercises connected with the lion now closed. Turtle took advantage of
+the interregnum to make an inquiry of his own. He had in his possession the
+flaming poster that had so long hung at the Eagle, and amused and
+astonished the Puddlefordians, and slowly unfolding it, he caught the eye
+of the keeper, as he held it out at full length, and wished to know where
+"all the monkeys were that were put on to that 'ere bill?"</p>
+
+<p>The keeper pointed to the monkeys' cage, where the three were, still
+chewing nuts and crackers, and chattering and bobbing from one side to the
+other.</p>
+
+<p>"Je-hos-a-phat!" exclaimed Turtle, "them <i>ar'</i> ain't these 'ere
+monkeys&mdash;there ain't but three on 'em, nuther, and they ain't climbing
+trees, as these are&mdash;Je-hos-a-phat!&mdash;are <i>them</i> your monkeys, Mr. Keeper?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_333" id="Page_333">[Pg 333]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The keeper said "he would explain. They were the same monkeys that the
+gentleman found on the bill; the same monkeys in different attitudes. That
+monkey, for instance, ladies and gentlemen," continued the keeper, pointing
+his stick at a gray-bearded one in the cage, who was just then intently at
+work pulling a sliver out of his foot, "that monkey is represented four or
+five times on the bill in different forms, ladies and gentlemen; jumping
+here, and climbing there, ladies and gentlemen; and in other places
+performing those wonderful and curious feats that the monkey only <i>can</i>
+perform. Will the gentleman show the bill for the benefit of all? (Ike held
+up the bill over his head.) Now, ladies and gentlemen, look at the bill,
+and then look at the monkey. These bills are printed for the instruction of
+the people; it gives them a knowledge of natural history. That monkey can
+do anything that we have represented on our bill; or, rather, monkeys in
+their native woods do all these things; but the woods we cannot carry
+around with us, ladies and gentlemen; and so we give it to you on our
+bills. (Hold the bill a little higher, if you please, sir.) There you see
+the monkey as he is&mdash;next thing to a man, ladies and gentlemen. Study the
+monkey; he's an as-<i>ton</i>-ishing animal; very different from the lion there;
+wherever we go, the <i>mon</i>-keys are admired. Any more questions, ladies and
+gentlemen?"</p>
+
+<p>Turtle said "he b'lieved he shouldn't ask any more questions."</p>
+
+<p>Bigelow Van Slyck had not yet seen "that wonderful animal mentioned in Holy
+Writ, and now known as the Ichneumon." He had walked the whole caravan over
+and over a dozen times, but the Ichneumon was nowhere to be seen.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_334" id="Page_334">[Pg 334]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>He inquired, at last, of the keeper, "where he kept his Ichneumon."</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly," answered the keeper in the most amiable manner possible,
+leading the way to a little cage on the ground, where he had an animal
+housed about the size of a small dog.</p>
+
+<p>"There," exclaimed the keeper, "is the sacred quadruped now known as the
+Ichneumon."</p>
+
+<p>Bigelow ran his hands into his breeches-pockets and looked down very
+reverently upon the little fellow.</p>
+
+<p>"Spoken of in Holy Writ?" repeated Bigelow.</p>
+
+<p>"Often," said the keeper.</p>
+
+<p>"Old Testament, probably," said Bigelow.</p>
+
+<p>"Most probably," replied the keeper.</p>
+
+<p>Bigelow took another long look.</p>
+
+<p>"And he's alive, too," said Bigelow, drawing a long breath.</p>
+
+<p>"But it costs a great deal of money," answered the keeper, "to preserve his
+life&mdash;most <i>expensive</i> animal we have&mdash;bathe him in salt water three times
+a day."</p>
+
+<p>"Mi-<i>rac</i>-ulous!" said Bigelow.</p>
+
+<p>"Treat him very tenderly," continued the keeper; "liable to lose him any
+moment; cost a great sum; but we don't mind that&mdash;it is our business&mdash;we
+<i>will</i> satisfy the public."</p>
+
+<p>Bigelow introduced Mrs. Bird, Mrs. Swipes, and Mrs. Longbow to the
+Ichneumon, who did not happen to be present and hear the keeper's remarks,
+and repeated in low breath the information which he had just derived, with
+suitable and appropriate remarks of his own. For his part, he said, he was
+paid. He had seen the sacred animal called the Ichneumon; and he managed to
+weave<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_335" id="Page_335">[Pg 335]</a></span> him into a sermon which he preached some weeks afterwards, in which
+he identified him as clearly as he did when inspecting the poster at the
+Eagle.</p>
+
+<p>Jim Buzzard was present during all the exercises. He crawled in under the
+canvas at rather a late hour, but appeared in time to see all that was to
+be seen. He made very few comments upon the animals. He took a very long
+look at the elephant, who seemed to just strike his fancy. Jim was a
+picture, and so was the elephant. As he stood in rags gaping at the
+monster, it seemed as if he was magnetized to the ground. He examined him
+up and down, looked under him, and over him, and at last, after having
+digested all there was about him, he scratched his head and said, "O,
+Gosh!"</p>
+
+<p>But all things must have an end, and the grand caravan, in time, came to
+its end. The last performance, which was intended as the climax to the
+whole day's proceedings, and which had been looked forward to by the
+Puddlefordians with the most enthusiastic feeling, was the "ostrich and
+monkey ride." The poster had painted this affair in shining colors, and it
+was finally announced by the keeper, amid a tempest of applause. It is not
+in my power to describe this ride. The monkey rode the ostrich, as
+promised, carrying a whip in his hand&mdash;and then the monkey took another
+round on the ostrich, carrying something else&mdash;and then again and again,
+each time under renewed and stronger vociferations from the multitude,
+until I really began to think that the monkey and ostrich were certain to
+transport the crowd into hysterics, and cover themselves with immortal
+glory.</p>
+
+<p>When the afternoon shadows began to lengthen over<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_336" id="Page_336">[Pg 336]</a></span> the green, the tent,
+which had so recently gone up by magic, as suddenly dissolved, and the
+people dissolved too. The show was over, and there were scores of people
+who were twenty or thirty miles from home, jaded and nearly out of money.
+Puddleford was in an uproar in the general preparation for a departure. The
+showmen were packing their monkeys, ostrich, and ichneumon, temporarily
+hobbling their elephant, and counting up the proceeds of the day, and
+making ready for a fresh swindle upon some adjacent town. The women were
+dealing out gingerbread to squalling children to fortify their stomachs
+against the journey of the night. The men were settling up their bills at
+the Eagle; and all was bustle and commotion.</p>
+
+<p>Aunt Sonora hurried home and "took a nap;" she had passed <i>such</i> a day;
+"was," as she said, "nearly killed in the morning, and skeer'd to death in
+the arternoon, that it seemed as if she should fly off the handle; her head
+danc'd round like a top; see if they could catch her at any more of their
+powwows; their lions and their monkeys might go to grass, for all her;
+she'd not look at 'em agin; that's what she wouldn't&mdash;there warn't nothin'
+so grand 'bout 'em, arter all, as folks tell'd on&mdash;she wouldn't use up
+herself agin for any such strolling critters&mdash;not she."</p>
+
+<p>The procession formed in a line, just at twilight, to take its farewell. A
+knot of urchins, and twenty or more Puddlefordians, were all that were left
+of the pride and pomp of the morning to see them safely on their way. The
+band struck up a lively air, the wagons moved forward, and soon had wound
+away out of sight; and all settled down again into the most profound
+tranquillity.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_337" id="Page_337">[Pg 337]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CHAPTER XXIV.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>The Tinkhams arrive.&mdash;Great Stir.&mdash;Miss Lavinia Longbow's
+Head is turned.&mdash;Everybody in Love with the Tinkhams.&mdash;Wind
+changes.&mdash;The Tinkhams fall.&mdash;The whole Pack out on
+them.&mdash;They abandon the Settlement.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>It is remarkable how the people of a new country run in fixed channels of
+thought and action. That this is true of an old one where ages have
+hardened down and vitrified a long train of habits, is not so wonderful.
+Puddleford was in the gristle, it was true, and had not as yet made any
+permanent development. But even in its gristle, it had its laws&mdash;temporary,
+of course, but laws, nevertheless, which were as unbending as iron, while
+they lasted.</p>
+
+<p>No person was permitted to outstrip his neighbor in any of the luxuries or
+refinements of social life. Any attempt at such a piece of ambition was
+regarded as a kind of premeditated insult upon the whole town. It was never
+for a moment supposed that a Puddlefordian could act without some hidden
+motive, maliciously directed against those who were not in any way
+connected with his personal affairs. The pride of a new country is most
+marvellous. The less wealth, or the less education, or the less of the
+luxuries of life, which such a people may possess, the more tender they are
+upon those very deprivations. In one sense, again, not a particle of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_338" id="Page_338">[Pg 338]</a></span> pride
+could be found lingering in all Puddleford. This pride was the source of
+the most unrelenting jealousy.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Longbow never bought a new calico without being agitated. She knew
+that not only the calico, but herself, too, in connection with such a bold
+enterprise, must necessarily pass in review before all the women of the
+place. And she also knew that not unfrequently it happened that very
+improper motives were attributed. The calico might have been purchased to
+cast a slur upon some one else&mdash;a way taken by her to "let people know what
+some folks could do, and what other people could not do,"&mdash;a kind of open
+triumph, maliciously intended to humble the pride, and sneer at the poverty
+of another, who dare not venture upon such an outlay of money&mdash;and Mrs.
+Longbow knew and felt that it was as much as her reputation was worth to
+appear for the first time in public in such a garment&mdash;for Mrs. Swipes or
+Mrs. Bird would be sure to declare that "she did it on purpos' jist to
+insult <i>her</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Immigrants, who settled in Puddleford, felt the force of this social law
+very forcibly. Mr. Tinkham and family came in and took up their residence.
+Mr. Tinkham was a small merchant, and hailed from a small eastern village,
+and brought in his train a wife, one son, and two daughters&mdash;Mr. Howard
+Tinkham, Miss Jenet Tinkham, and Miss Mary Tinkham&mdash;old enough all for
+society. They were a very plain family, had been educated in a very plain
+way, and were very unpretending in their deportment. "<i>Old</i> Mr. Tinkham,"
+as he was called, was on the downhill side of life, and was fast running
+into the shadows of the valley; and "Old Mrs. Tinkham" was not very far
+behind him. They had immigrated for<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_339" id="Page_339">[Pg 339]</a></span> the benefit of their children&mdash;made
+themselves miserable from a philanthropic desire to make somebody else
+happy&mdash;had buried all the associations, comforts, and joys of their lives,
+to linger out an unnatural existence in the West.</p>
+
+<p>When Mr. Tinkham and his family came on, Puddleford was overflowing with
+enthusiasm. Indeed, their anticipated arrival was heralded by all hands
+long before they made their appearance, and their "means," personal
+history, politics, and religion were well known weeks in advance. The
+accession of a new family was a great event in Puddleford&mdash;and well it
+might be&mdash;for it was a rare event to find any one bold enough to settle
+down in the village&mdash;and it usually turned out to be as great an event to
+the individual who settled, as those whom he settled among.</p>
+
+<p>There was a general uprising to receive Mr. Tinkham&mdash;it did not seem
+possible to do enough for Mr. Tinkham&mdash;he was from the very first
+completely run down, crushed, and smothered with attention&mdash;all the women
+offered their services in any and every way to Mr. Tinkham, and to Mrs.
+Tinkham, and Mr. Howard Tinkham, and Miss Jenet Tinkham, and Miss Mary
+Tinkham&mdash;one ran this way to do this, and another that way to do
+that&mdash;sometimes two or three female Puddlefordians would insist upon
+performing the same act for Mrs. Tinkham, which not unfrequently resulted
+in hard words and red faces among themselves, for their kindness was so
+impulsive and excessive, that it was not possible for them to restrain it,
+as long as the Tinkham fever lasted.</p>
+
+<p>The Tinkhams thought that they had been very much underrated, or very much
+overrated. They were positively<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_340" id="Page_340">[Pg 340]</a></span> delighted with the spontaneous attention
+of the Puddlefordians&mdash;and yet, as has been stated, the Tinkhams were a
+plain people, not subject to any fashionable flights, nor haughty airs, nor
+had they ever demanded or received much notice before, and they could only
+account for the novel exhibitions of hospitality of their new acquaintances
+by supposing it was "their way," and that they were no exception to a
+general rule.</p>
+
+<p>Miss Lavinia Longbow, who was decidedly one of the fashionable "upper
+crust" of society&mdash;for every society has its "upper crust"&mdash;and who was the
+daughter of Squire Longbow, which of itself was all-sufficient to fix her
+social position&mdash;Miss Lavinia Longbow almost went into ecstasies over Mr.
+Howard Tinkham the first time she saw him.</p>
+
+<p>She declared that "he was the splendidest man she ever see'd&mdash;that she
+thought that Jim Barton was something of a feller once&mdash;but, O, pshaw! he
+warn't nothin'. Mr. Howard Tinkham had such a poetical eye, and such
+tap'rin' hands, and then he was so much slimmer-er than Jim Barton, and he
+walked off so peert like&mdash;and then he talked so <i>bu</i>-tiful&mdash;all about the
+Venuses, and the God-es-es, and she did not know how many more things, that
+she never heer'd of afore in all her born days. Jim Barton didn't know
+nothin' 'bout anything&mdash;he couldn't say boo afore Mr. Howard Tinkham&mdash;he
+was <i>sich</i> a man, Mr. Howard Tinkham was&mdash;he know'd everything&mdash;how many
+pretty stories he <i>had</i> told her&mdash;O, pshaw! talk about Jim Barton."</p>
+
+<p>Miss Lavinia ran on in the most extravagant terms, at all times and places,
+about Mr. Howard Tinkham, and she positively refused to speak to, or notice
+Jim Barton, for six months after Tinkham came in.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_341" id="Page_341">[Pg 341]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Swipes, Bird, Longbow, Aunt Sonora, and all were bewitched with Mrs.
+Tinkham. Mrs. Swipes presented Mrs. Tinkham with a dried-apple pie within
+an hour after her arrival, at the same time informing her that "it would
+come right handy while they were putting things to rights&mdash;and that if
+there was anything else&mdash;any&mdash;thing&mdash;no matter what&mdash;that she had in her
+house, to come over and take it right away, and ask no questions. She
+wanted her to be at home in <i>her</i> house, jist as long as they liv'd in
+Puddleford."</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Tinkham thought Mrs. Swipes was a very accommodating woman.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Longbow sent a ham&mdash;Mrs. Bird a loaf of "Injun," as she called it&mdash;and
+as Mrs. Swipes knew what Mrs. Longbow had sent, and as Mrs. Longbow
+ascertained what Mrs. Swipes had sent, and as Mrs. Bird discovered by
+inquiry "round about," what they both sent, and as the rest of the
+Puddleford ladies made it their business to know what they all had sent,
+and as they were determined not to be outdone by the upper crust, who they
+declared were no better than they were, and couldn't do any more than they
+could do, the consequence was that the Tinkhams began to think that they
+had reached the promised land, and that the windows of Heaven were opened,
+and showering down blessings broadcast upon them.</p>
+
+<p>The Tinkhams were in raptures with Puddleford. Mrs. Swipes called two or
+three times a day to know how they got along&mdash;to know if Mary Jane Arabella
+could not come in and "chore around a little while they were
+settlin'"&mdash;that she know'd what it was "to get fix'd"&mdash;to know if "there
+warn't <i>sum</i>thin' she <i>could</i> do."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_342" id="Page_342">[Pg 342]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Longbow was very anxious to find out "when Mrs. Tinkham could come
+over and spend a sociable afternoon&mdash;it seemed as if she couldn't wait."</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Bird declared that "she would have the first visit&mdash;that she'd say
+flat-footed."</p>
+
+<p>The Tinkhams were certainly very much in love with Puddleford. They had
+positively never seen anything like it. The impression which they had made
+exceeded all their expectations. They did not see how they could ever repay
+the manifestations of its people.</p>
+
+<p>But this paroxysm of attention in time passed away. The Tinkhams in
+time&mdash;and in a very short time, too&mdash;fell from their high position. Mrs.
+Tinkham <i>did</i> call first upon Mrs. Longbow, and she and all the other
+Tinkhams were ruined from that day.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Bird then declared "she just began to see what they were"&mdash;she blazed
+out with all her fires, and showered down her red-hot lava upon the
+Tinkhams, both great and small. She "had a lurkin' kinder suspicion all the
+time that they warn't much"&mdash;she said "she meant to treat 'em decently, and
+she had treated 'em decently&mdash;she and Mary Jane didn't do nothin' but run
+for 'em all the time, when they fust cum&mdash;and now this was her thanks
+for't&mdash;this was what she got&mdash;<i>this</i> was her pay&mdash;she'd tell the whole pile
+on 'em what she thought, some day&mdash;she'd give 'em a piece of her
+mind&mdash;she'd show 'em what Sall Bird could do&mdash;they'd find her out&mdash;they
+couldn't tromp onter her&mdash;jest&mdash;to&mdash;think&mdash;after all said and done&mdash;that
+the huzzy went straight over and call'd fust on Mrs. Longbow&mdash;on Mrs.
+Longbow&mdash;yes, old Squire Longbow's second wife&mdash;<i>old</i> Aunt Graves, and
+nobody else&mdash;who I've know'd fust<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_343" id="Page_343">[Pg 343]</a></span> and last these twenty years&mdash;and no good
+of her nuther&mdash;to think of it! to think!&mdash;<i>only</i> to think!"</p>
+
+<p>This little explosion went off in the presence of Mrs. Swipes, who had been
+as deeply injured by this "call" as Mrs. Bird, and Mrs. Bird knew it.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Swipes declared "that while she was the last woman on the face of the
+airth to injure anybody, or talk 'bout anybody, that was <i>well</i> known, she
+couldn't help lettin' out on the Tinkhams&mdash;she couldn't! she'd tried it,
+but she felt it her duty to do it&mdash;and she <i>would</i> do it, and she'd do it
+now,&mdash;she thought she saw sumthin'&mdash;<i>sum</i>thin' a-nuther&mdash;'bout that Mrs.
+Tinkham, the fust day that they came inter the settlement, that warn't
+right&mdash;she didn't like her eye&mdash;there was a certain sort-of-er-look
+there&mdash;and she might as well say it right out, it looked wicked to
+her&mdash;wicked as Cain&mdash;she told Mr. Swipes then that <i>she</i> believed that she
+was a <i>dang</i>-rous woman&mdash;but she was detarmined to try her, for she was a
+person who allers tried everybody&mdash;she gin everybody a chance&mdash;she didn't
+cry down nobody, she didn't&mdash;she warn't a-goin' to&mdash;'twas agin her
+principles to do so&mdash;but when she <i>did</i> find people out&mdash;and she allers
+did&mdash;<i>allers</i>&mdash;sooner or <i>la</i>-ter&mdash;sum time or a-nuther&mdash;she was sure to
+find 'em out, then they'd got ter take a piece of her mind&mdash;and she had
+found the Tinkhams out, and she thought the Tinkhams warn't any great
+shakes&mdash;that's what she thought."</p>
+
+<p>"Jest my mind exactly!" exclaimed Mrs. Bird, who had listened with great
+attention, with her eyes staring, and her mouth open, so she could not lose
+a word.</p>
+
+<p>"Nor warn't any great shakes where they com'd from," added Mrs. Swipes;
+"that I've larned for true, and I know it."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_344" id="Page_344">[Pg 344]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Nor never will be any great shakes," continued Mrs. Bird,
+"anywhere&mdash;never! never!"</p>
+
+<p>"From the old man down," said Mrs. Swipes.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes! from the old man down," repeated Mrs. Bird.</p>
+
+<p>Aunt Sonora, who was very "set in her way," and a great stickler for the
+old order of things, was, nevertheless, not naturally malicious. She
+thought the Tinkhams, however, "were getting mighty stuck up," and that the
+"gals put on the dref'ellest sight of airs"&mdash;"she didn't think Puddleford
+could hold 'em long&mdash;people who ate sales-molasses for common, and bought
+fresh every day, must have a long purse or they'd bust"&mdash;she said "she was
+very sure that Mr. Howard Tinkham wore broadcloth; and as for the
+women-folks, why, they were flarin' out all the while in their silks&mdash;and
+laws-a-me," said the old lady, "they hain't got such a killin' sight to be
+proud of nuther&mdash;if they had, <i>she</i> didn't know where they kept it, for her
+part."</p>
+
+<p>The Tinkhams found themselves in hot water on every side&mdash;and simply for
+the reason that Mrs. Tinkham had made her first call on Mrs. Longbow. But
+Mrs. Tinkham could not have escaped her fate&mdash;that was not possible; if she
+had selected any other of her devoted friends, the result would have been
+precisely the same.</p>
+
+<p>In four weeks from the time the Tinkhams had been received with such
+demonstrations of affection, it was discovered,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>That Mrs. Bird did not speak to Mrs. Tinkham;</p>
+
+<p>That Mrs. Swipes did not speak to Mrs. Tinkham;</p>
+
+<p>That Mrs. Beagle did not speak to Mrs. Tinkham;</p>
+
+<p>That a very great many other persons who did not speak to Mrs. Bird,
+Swipes, <i>or</i> Beagle, did not speak to Mrs. Tinkham.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_345" id="Page_345">[Pg 345]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Mr. and Mrs. Tinkham found that they had come in conflict with public
+opinion in Puddleford&mdash;they were completely driven out from society.</p>
+
+<p>The social war soon extended itself further. The Bird clique would not
+trade at Mr. Tinkham's store. Mrs. Bird declared "that she wouldn't have
+nothing at all to do with 'em no way&mdash;not the fust thing&mdash;she wouldn't
+darken any of their doors, and they shouldn't darken hers&mdash;not a Tinkham
+should enter her front gate&mdash;<i>she'd</i> larn 'em, that's what she would." Mrs.
+Swipes and Mrs. Beagle agreed to the same thing&mdash;the Tinkhams shouldn't
+darken their doors, nuther. Mrs. Bird said she wouldn't go where the
+Tinkhams went. Mrs. Swipes and Mrs. Beagle thereupon agreed that <i>they</i>
+wouldn't go where the Tinkhams went&mdash;and the lesser lights that revolved
+around Mrs. Bird, Swipes, and Beagle, agreed that they wouldn't "nuther."</p>
+
+<p>The Tinkhams were obliged to draw their business to a close, and leave the
+land of their adoption. They did not understand the social law of the
+country. They were seen, early one morning, wending their way out of the
+village, solitary, yet not sad, without pomp or parade, their faces to the
+rising sun, retracing their steps back to the land which they had left,
+wiser, if not better, we trust, with a fixed determination to "let well
+enough alone" during the remainder of their lives, and never again give "a
+bird in the hand for (none) in the bush."</p>
+
+<p>Puddleford experienced no more spasms from a disturbance of its social
+equilibrium for a long time; not until the Styles family came in many years
+afterwards, and overturned the whole order of things, and established upon
+the ruins an entirely new government.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_346" id="Page_346">[Pg 346]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CHAPTER XXV.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>And still New England.&mdash;Sui Generis.&mdash;Her Ruggedness the
+Soil of Liberty.&mdash;The Contrast.&mdash;The New England
+Conservative.&mdash;The New England Man of Business.&mdash;The West
+has no Past.&mdash;<i>Fast</i>, and Hospitable.&mdash;Saxon Blood and Saxon
+Spirit.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>Such is a picture of some of the old-school New England men, as they
+flourished years ago. Such are some of the portraits and images that rise
+up, and stand out vividly before me.</p>
+
+<p>New England is unlike anything the pioneer sees, hears, or feels in a
+wilderness country. She is unlike his country in her creation. Her solemn
+mountains, lone lakes&mdash;her rushing streams, that dart like arrows from her
+precipices&mdash;the roar of her cataracts, amid her rugged gorges&mdash;her long and
+tranquil reaches of valley&mdash;the cold, solemn, and quiet pictures of Nature
+that she mingles and groups on her canvas, give soul and spirit to the
+people who are nursed upon her soil; and they, too, grow gigantic, like the
+objects around them&mdash;patriotism, integrity, firmness, germinate and become
+athletic in such fastnesses: Liberty last expires upon the mountains.</p>
+
+<p>Why was civil and religious liberty planted, amid December snows, upon her
+inhospitable coast? Why was it committed to her rugged elements of Nature,
+if not to harden the men, and strengthen and preserve principles? Had the
+May Flower discharged its freight of ideas<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_347" id="Page_347">[Pg 347]</a></span> amid abundance, soft skies, and
+a teeming soil, it is not certain that the Declaration would have been
+signed in 1776.</p>
+
+<p>How different is the great West! One great plain of prairie and woodland,
+reaching from zone to zone, fairly bursting with the richness of its varied
+soil and climate&mdash;reserved, as it were, by Providence, to receive the less
+hardy and vigorous generations which time might throw off upon her&mdash;tame in
+scenery, but filled with the resources of wealth and power.</p>
+
+<p>But New England is not only unlike the West in its creation, but her
+people, from a thousand causes, have fixed and established habits and
+customs as unlike. And all these have become as stereotyped by ages, as the
+figures upon a panorama. The New England panorama, in all its essential
+features, rolls off to-day as it did years ago. Who has not been impressed
+with this truth? Select an old New England town&mdash;analyze it as you once
+knew it, and as it is now. How was it, how is it made up? It was finished
+then&mdash;the last blow was struck, the last foundation laid, the rubbish all
+cleared away; as if it only waited for the final explosion of all
+things&mdash;even the magnificent elms that solemnly swept its streets, grew no
+longer&mdash;they, too, had reached maturity, and gone to sleep. So it is now.</p>
+
+<p>A western village, in its general aspect, presents the very reverse of
+this. Like Jonah's gourd, it is the "son of a night." It seems to have been
+thrown up by an army on the march&mdash;and such is the fact&mdash;the mighty army of
+pioneers, who are here to-day and there to-morrow, and who are only traced
+by such huge footsteps.</p>
+
+<p>The people of a New England village appear to have<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_348" id="Page_348">[Pg 348]</a></span> been procured, assorted
+and arranged, for their positions and occupations. Each person treads in
+his own circle&mdash;each is stamped with a value&mdash;branded good, bad, or
+indifferent. There is the conservative gentleman&mdash;the dash that connects
+generations&mdash;he who has taken a pre&euml;mption right to respectability&mdash;whose
+patent dates away back among historical reminiscences and dead bones&mdash;whose
+presence is <i>prima facie</i> evidence of all that is claimed and exercised. A
+man of authority is he. He carries an odor of the past around with him&mdash;an
+air&mdash;a something that smells of blood&mdash;a consciousness that some time, or
+somehow, somebody or something had given his ancestors a cross that
+followed and sublimated his whole race.</p>
+
+<p>Such men impress a consequence upon objects around them. Their family
+carriages look wise and venerable&mdash;heirlooms embalmed by generations gone.
+They drive horses that think and know who and what they are&mdash;and who live
+and die under the protection of their masters. Their church-pews blaze in
+crimson&mdash;are piled with cushions, arrayed with stools, and tables, and
+books, with two pillows and a foot-stove in the corner, for the old <i>lady</i>
+of seventy, who wheezes and takes snuff.</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps, reader, you have met just such a New England character. He never
+moves below a line in society&mdash;a line as arbitrary with him as 36&deg; 30'. He
+had a broad face, double chin, heavy nose, wide-brimmed hat, and buff vest,
+filled with ruffles. You have heard him deliver his opinion upon a question
+of public policy, or public morals&mdash;his voice slow and sepulchral&mdash;his
+manner heavy, almost melancholy&mdash;made impressive through<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_349" id="Page_349">[Pg 349]</a></span> the aid of a
+gold-headed cane, with which he occasionally beats out the emphatic
+portions of his homily. Perhaps you attempted to make a suggestion
+yourself&mdash;if you did, you recollect the frown, the reproof that came down
+upon you, from those cold, gray eyes of his, and perhaps the shock you
+inflicted upon the timid around you, from your impudence.</p>
+
+<p>This class do not, by any means, constitute the backbone of New England.
+The enterprise that breaks through her mountains, upheaves her valleys, and
+sends the iron horse on its way&mdash;creates the roar of machinery that
+reverberates among her hills&mdash;grasps with, and battles for, the public
+questions of the <i>day</i>&mdash;pours a tide of life and energy into everything
+around&mdash;which makes itself felt through the long arms of commerce in every
+part of the world, and whose touch electrifies every mart&mdash;<i>this
+enterprise</i> is born, and quickened, and sustained somewhere else. These men
+are the mere spectators of all this bustle. They are rather drag-weights
+upon it&mdash;the acknowledged conservative army of "masterly inactivity."</p>
+
+<p>These conservatives are not without value, but they can only exist in a
+fixed state of society. They are the work of ages, and cannot be created in
+a breath. No such characters can be found in the western world. The roots
+of such a growth lie away back among the Puritans. One can smell Plymouth
+Rock, Cotton Mather, Bunker Hill, and indeed the whole revolutionary war,
+in the very production. Pedigree associations, musty ideas, which lie
+scattered everywhere, and yet nowhere in particular, are the foundation of
+this kind of aristocracy; all of which is submitted to by custom and
+habit.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_350" id="Page_350">[Pg 350]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What if an attempt should be made to build up such a society in a new
+country? Where would we begin? There is no past to hallow and dignify the
+present; and without a past to draw upon, and anchor to, an aristocracy
+would be all afloat. The past of Puddleford, so far as my researches go,
+ends in the <i>Pottawatomie Indians</i>&mdash;a little later in Longbow, Turtle, and
+Bates. This is the extent of our resources; and no one has been yet found
+who was willing to go into that kind of business on such a capital. Money,
+so often the foundation of pretension, is widely diffused, in very small
+parcels. Historical local incidents there are none. The conquest of the
+country was by the axe and an indomitable spirit. There was no blood nor
+brimstone used. The pioneer's little family of sinewy children was the army
+that entered it, and took possession of the soil.</p>
+
+<p>But the people of New England, I said, were assorted. The man of business,
+the merchant, the mechanic, was a merchant, a mechanic, in the same place,
+the same building, perhaps forty years ago&mdash;and his whole life is one of
+order and system. He lives by rule&mdash;is as fixed in his sphere as the
+conservative in his. His income for the future can be calculated from the
+past. His duties are foreseen and provided for. Domestic expenses so much;
+support of the gospel so much; charity so much; pleasure so much; which,
+deducted from income, balance, so much. Here, again, is the fruit of a
+fixed society. The creditor of a New England merchant knows where his
+customer will be next year&mdash;at his old post, or dead.</p>
+
+<p>How is it in a new country? Not one resident in ten is permanently located.
+Every man expects to remove<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_351" id="Page_351">[Pg 351]</a></span> somewhere else, at some time. Here is no
+association, no tie, to bind him to the soil. The pioneer is but a
+passenger who has stopped over night, as it were, and he holds himself
+ready to push forward at the blow of the trumpet. Villages, and even whole
+townships, change inhabitants in short periods, and other men, with other
+views and habits, step in and take their places. Where does the merchant
+creditor find his western customer of last year? Sold out, perhaps, to Mr.
+A., and Mr. A. sold to Mr. B., and Mr. B. to Mr. C. Mr. C. pays all
+arrearages, and Mr. A. and B. are boating on the Mississippi, or
+"ballooning" in some fancy speculation on the north shore of the Oregon.</p>
+
+<p>While the great West suffers from a want of the virtues that attend a fixed
+society, as it undoubtedly does, it does not find itself obliged to contend
+against its prejudices. There are no arbitrary lines drawn, based upon mere
+ideas&mdash;no venerable fictions in the way. Custom, habit, society, immemorial
+usage, hang no dead-weights upon the young and ambitious. All start from
+the same line, the prize is aloft in full view, and he who first reaches it
+creates his own precedence.</p>
+
+<p>If there is no past to hallow and chasten the people of a new country, no
+permanent present to hold them to one spot, so in one sense there is no
+future. There is no locality that is adorned and beautified for coming
+years&mdash;no spot designated to become venerable to posterity&mdash;no tree nursed
+and protected in memory of him who planted it&mdash;no ground consecrated for
+the burial of the dead. Houses are built, localities adorned, trees
+planted, cemeteries erected, but they who fashioned all this do not abide
+with them&mdash;they are ever on the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_352" id="Page_352">[Pg 352]</a></span> march, and the stranger takes possession
+of the memorials they leave behind; and if posterity should attempt to
+collect the works of such an ancestor, it would find them scattered over
+the circuit of states.</p>
+
+<p>We have attempted, in a plain way, to draw a comparison, very briefly, to
+be sure, between a fixed and an unfixed society. Both have their advantages
+and their disadvantages.</p>
+
+<p>If New England is slow and methodical, she is strong. She moves in close
+phalanx upon any public question or duty. The very bonds of habit which
+pervade all, and all alike, concentrate and intensify her action. Her
+people act in a mass towards one point. They strike through organizations
+which are gigantic and reverend with age. The Church gathers the energies
+and means of the benevolent. Public opinion is harmonious about public
+ends. And this very fixedness of society enables its members to push
+forward with a unity and strength almost omnipotent.</p>
+
+<p>In a new country, as we have seen, action is individual and ends are
+individual; men are unorganized. He who goes forward with axe in hand to
+hew his pathway to competence and respectability, is governed by few relics
+of the past. He breaks away, in time (too completely perhaps), from old
+associations, some of which were trammels, being the mere result of usage,
+and some of which he ought to cherish for their intrinsic excellence. He
+looks forward to a country and people in the future (<i>somewhere</i> in the
+future; locality is nothing), and he hurries on, with fury almost, to reach
+the destination of his dreams.</p>
+
+<p>The people of the West are called a <i>fast</i> people. How<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_353" id="Page_353">[Pg 353]</a></span> can they be
+otherwise? Their very necessities <i>drive</i> them. They cannot fall back upon
+any prop; they can move onward without limit. It required, half a century
+ago, the labor of a generation to sweep off the forest, and plant cities
+and villages&mdash;but all this is accomplished in half of that time now.
+Pioneers grow more expanded in their views. The father of the pioneer of
+to-day grew into consequence as a heavy landed proprietor upon a farm of
+forty acres&mdash;his son can hardly satisfy his ambition with six hundred&mdash;and
+that is always for sale&mdash;(there is no poetry, as we have seen, about a
+western homestead)&mdash;and he stands ready to vacate upon six months' notice
+and a consideration.</p>
+
+<p>This miscellaneous state of society begets a peculiar hospitality. New
+England has been famed for its hospitality; but the kind I mean is a very
+different thing. Hospitality in an old country, under the bonds of society,
+is too formal, too cold, and sometimes a little oppressive. It is not
+always hospitality; it is, sometimes, the performance of a social duty,
+according to the rules and regulations prescribed for its
+observance&mdash;painful to all parties concerned. It is artificial&mdash;as hearty,
+perhaps, as it can be under "bonds." The table, in the West, is <i>always</i>
+spread, and the roof <i>always</i> offers shelter. There is an ease, an
+abandonment in its exercise, that is positively beautiful, and can be
+understood only when felt.</p>
+
+<p>A fixed state of society begets feuds, and cherishes old grudges. A quarrel
+that originated between grandfathers is often carried down and kept
+brewing. Families are divided from other families for years, and sometimes
+for generations, about matters of no consequence. It is perhaps a point of
+etiquette, a stinging<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_354" id="Page_354">[Pg 354]</a></span> remark, an accidental or premeditated slight, a
+question of dollars and cents, a political or religious difference of
+opinion, that opened the breach which will not be healed. Thus, bombshells
+are often thrown from one to another, by fathers and children and
+grandchildren, and families kept in an uproar about nothing. This society
+not only cherishes old grudges, but it is nervous and sensitive to the
+least touch of the present. A morbid pride of wealth, family, position, is
+ever on the lookout for an attack upon its consequence&mdash;perhaps to make an
+onslaught upon others.</p>
+
+<p>Here the West has the advantage. There is no one to keep alive old grudges.
+Not one man in a hundred can tell what his neighbor's father or grandfather
+was&mdash;where he flourished or decayed&mdash;what were his personal piques or
+social battles. And as for present causes of personal war, they are few&mdash;it
+requires something more than a sublimated idea or notion&mdash;an antiquated
+figment of the brain or present artificiality&mdash;to warm up the combatants.
+The practical realities of the West are too great and pressing to give time
+or disposition to dally with abstractions. Gross outrages are quickly met
+and redressed&mdash;they are not carried down on the docket of time for
+posterity to try, nor nursed in the bosom from the revengeful pleasure they
+afford.</p>
+
+<p>Reader, these are a few of the advantages and disadvantages of the two
+states of eastern and western society&mdash;not western society after it becomes
+rooted and established, as it has in many of the states&mdash;but during its
+first ten, perhaps twenty years, in its green state, while the gristle is
+hardening into bone.</p>
+
+<p>These few suggestions are written in no morbid or<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_355" id="Page_355">[Pg 355]</a></span> carping spirit. They are
+written with a consciousness of the manly virtues, and solid worth, of New
+England, as she is, and always has been. They simply mark points of
+difference worked upon men by a change of soil and society&mdash;points that
+should be known, whether approved or condemned. What son of New England
+does not look back upon her with pride? What associations throng around him
+when her name is mentioned! Her hills, her hearts, her homes, send a thrill
+through the soul, and make him, for a time at least, a better man. What
+armies of scholars have walked forth into the battle of life from her
+cloisters? How many have been girded and helmeted in her halls? Where is
+the spot where her footsteps are not imprinted, her cheering voice heard?
+Shall we ever forget her? What sermons her old homesteads are continually
+preaching to her children, scattered as they are throughout every degree of
+latitude and longitude, in all positions and avocations! The cold brooks,
+where the trout darted&mdash;the grove where the nuts dropped&mdash;the blue
+sublimity of her mountain-tops, where sunlight first broke in the morn, and
+last died at night&mdash;the great shadows that slept in her valleys&mdash;the
+reverberation of her thunder&mdash;her solemn "fasts and feasts"&mdash;her day of
+Thanksgiving, that united again the broken fragments of the family
+circle&mdash;the merry voice of Christmas, that rung so cheerily through her
+halls&mdash;her graves, that hold all that remains of those who were giants in
+religion, liberty, and law, and who, "although dead, yet speak"&mdash;her
+arts&mdash;her monuments&mdash;her altars, where generations have knelt and passed
+away&mdash;are all living eloquence to her children, and can never be forgotten,
+if<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_356" id="Page_356">[Pg 356]</a></span> not always remembered. She is the Mecca to which many a weary pilgrim
+turns for strength and counsel in the storm and bustle of life, and her
+brain, and her capital, and her example are felt throughout half the globe.</p>
+
+<p>Let us not, however, in our veneration for New England, forget the
+iron-souled and true-hearted men, who have gone forth from that ancient
+hive to make a way in the wilderness for incoming generations, whose march
+is ever upon the ear. They had <i>their</i> mission, too, and nobly have they
+performed it. What but Saxon blood, and Saxon spirit, could have
+accomplished so much? If it was, and still is, done roughly, it was all
+done for time, and will stand&mdash;it is something that will bear looking back
+upon, and of which no son of posterity will be ashamed.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_357" id="Page_357">[Pg 357]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CHAPTER XXVI.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Spring at the West.&mdash;"Sugar Days."&mdash;Performances of the
+Cattle.&mdash;April.&mdash;Advent of the Blue-Jays and the Crows.&mdash;The
+Bluebirds, Phebes, and Robins.&mdash;April and its Inspiring
+Days.&mdash;The Frogs and their Concerts.&mdash;Gophers, Squirrels,
+Ants; Swallows, Brown-Threshers, and Blackbirds.&mdash;The
+Swallows, the Martins, and the Advent of May.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>Spring opens in the western wilds with great pomp and beauty. After our
+winter had passed, accompanied with few out-door amusements, how inspiring
+were her first footsteps! February slowly gave way to March, the sun each
+day rolled higher and higher, and the heavens grew bluer and bluer. Then
+came the still, clear, cold nights, when the stars flashed like diamonds,
+and the still, warm days, that flooded the lakes and streams. Here and
+there a bird would appear&mdash;one of the more hardy sort&mdash;a kind of courier,
+that had been sent out by his fellows, lonely, like the dove from the ark,
+to spy out the land, and report its condition. These couriers, who I
+supposed were birds that were with us the preceding year, rummaged around
+the woods, like a family who had just returned to a long deserted mansion.
+They flew from tree to tree, eyed the knot-holes, examined everything,
+shivered a few nights on a snowy limb, and then hurried back to make their
+report. The outside birds who were thus represented, and who were so
+anxious to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_358" id="Page_358">[Pg 358]</a></span> "come on," were like a press at the theatre, before the hour
+had arrived to hoist the curtain.</p>
+
+<p>These March days were "sugar days." Puddleford was, of course, in
+confusion; men, women, and children turned out with kettles and pans, into
+the "bush;" and one would have supposed, from the clouds of smoke that
+rolled over the tops of the trees, that a tribe of gypsies had camped
+there. The girls, dressed in linsey-woolsey, were boisterous; the boys,
+uproarious; and a whole army of dogs, full of the spirit of the occasion,
+stormed around, barking at every deer track, and tore all the rotten logs
+in pieces. Then came a long, warm, still rain&mdash;and the frogs shouted to
+each other their melancholy music&mdash;and the grass and the roots that were
+soaking in the marshes sent out their sweetness&mdash;the bud began to swell on
+the willow&mdash;the geese gathered in a procession, with some pompous gander at
+its head, and marched to the river&mdash;and the barn-yard fowls climbed up into
+trees, on top of the sheds and stacks, and cackled, and crowed, and
+clucked, and chatted together, like so many guests at a party.</p>
+
+<p>The cattle congregated, and wandered away off to an open plain, and went
+through certain exercises, the significance of which was known only to
+themselves. One old cow of mine, whose reputation was good, and whose
+frosty bones had scarcely moved during the winter, and who was present at
+this celebration, suddenly wheeled out of the ranks, rolled her tail over
+her back, put herself on a circuitous canter, cutting as many capers as a
+French dancing-master, and brought up, at last, with a bellowing blast that
+was quite terrific.</p>
+
+<p>At a distance stood another of the herd, frothing at<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_359" id="Page_359">[Pg 359]</a></span> the mouth, lashing
+herself with her tail, and throwing clouds of sand on high with her fore
+feet. Away, in another quarter, were a couple of very thoughtful looking
+animals, fencing with their horns. Every little while some good or evil
+spirit would take possession of them, and the whole company would fling
+their tails aloft, and with a great noise go off in a stampede that made
+the ground tremble.</p>
+
+<p>As April approached, or rather the reflected light from her distant wheels,
+the voice of the birds changed into a mellower tone. The blue-jay, whose
+harsh scream had so long grated on my ear, grew softer, and he blew once in
+a while one of his spring pipes (for he is a great imitator, and has many),
+which, after all, sounded rather husky and winter-like. His heart grew
+warmer, too. He would sit on a dry tree close to the eaves of my house, and
+peer through the windows, to see what was going on inside, jump down, and
+bow himself up on the door-steps, to remind us, in the best way he could,
+of the sunshine outside.</p>
+
+<p>Soon the crows began to sweep solemnly through the air with their caw! caw!
+They sailed round and round, now lighting on some tree, now on the ground,
+then away they went into the heavens again. They seemed to be taking a very
+thorough examination of the premises, making out the lines of occupation,
+and acquiring a new possession of the same, for the use of themselves and
+those they represented. Sometimes a body of them, lazily winging their way
+over my house, and looking down from their height upon my diminutive form,
+would shower upon my head ten thousand <i>Ca's!</i> as if in utter contempt of
+both me and mine. I occasionally fired a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_360" id="Page_360">[Pg 360]</a></span> shot at them, and the only answer
+I got was a quick "<i>Ca-Ca!</i>"&mdash;as much as to say, "Try it again! Try it
+again? Who cares?"</p>
+
+<p>Then came the bluebird. I threw up my window amid the latter days of March,
+one sunshiny morning, and there she sat on a maple, blowing her flute.
+Banks of snow were scattered here and there, but the ground smelled moist
+and spring-like. Where did that little piece of melody come from? Where was
+she the day before? Her song was a little poem about south-west winds, and
+violets, and running brooks&mdash;perhaps she was a preacher, sent out by the
+daisies to herald their coming&mdash;perhaps her song was only a prayer&mdash;for she
+went round from place to place, on this tree and that, in her little
+cathedral, as priests do in theirs, and erected her altar, and made her
+offering. She had a great deal to say, and a great many persons and things
+to deliver her message to; for in a little while she went, rising and
+falling as though she were riding billows of air, to the roof of my
+neighbor's house, where she sang the same song again; and after thus
+spending an hour or two about the neighborhood, she crossed the river, and
+dashed into the woods.</p>
+
+<p>On the next morning the bluebird came again, and brought a phebe with him,
+and the two sang a kind of duet for my benefit. Their harmony was
+perfect&mdash;for "there is no discord in nature." On the following day, at
+dawn, before the sun arose, I heard the robin rolling off her mellow notes.
+I looked out and saw a little flock running along on the ground, and
+picking at the fresh earth, evidently for the purpose of determining its
+condition. This same flock, I am sure, remained upon my premises during the
+summer, and had, in fact, possession<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_361" id="Page_361">[Pg 361]</a></span> of them for many years previous. For
+they appeared every day or two, and grew more and more inquisitive, and
+examined more closely. A couple finally took possession of this tree, and a
+couple of that. They commenced "cleaning house." They flitted about from
+limb to limb, balanced themselves on the dry twigs, as if trying their
+strength and elasticity, ran themselves away down into the joints, and
+dissected the crotches, picked up and cast away the dead moss and leaves,
+and made as much bustle and stir as a woman on May-day.</p>
+
+<p>As I was watching a couple of them one day, while they were busy at work,
+they seemed quite annoyed at my presence. They flirted off from the tree to
+a fence near by, with a mellow cry&mdash;saying, plainly enough, as they bobbed
+around, "What! what!" "Any-thing-wrong? Any-thing-wrong?"
+"Please-go-away&mdash;ha-ha-please-go-away."</p>
+
+<p>Some four weeks later, these birds began to build. They went sailing
+through the air with the timbers of their castle in their mouths. This
+timber was selected with great care. Straw after straw, and sprig after
+sprig, was picked up and cast away before the right one was found. They
+remained with me during their stay north, and returned each succeeding year
+to the same tree, until the woods all about me were felled, when they
+deserted me for other quarters.</p>
+
+<p>April shone out at last. Away down in the wild meadows the cowslip pushed
+up its green head into the sunshine, and along the warm hill-sides the
+wind-flowers were strewn. How they came there, I cannot tell. The day
+before it was all bleak, and chilly, and flowerless there. They must have
+been scattered by the morning<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_362" id="Page_362">[Pg 362]</a></span> rays of light. A melting bank of snow
+frowned down upon them, close by. Soon the shade-tree sent out its blossoms
+of lilac, and the dog-wood burst into a pile of snow. The hard, gray,
+leafless trees stood up sternly around these first daughters of spring,
+arrayed in their garments of pomp, and looked, as well as inanimate things
+can look, jealous and uneasy. All over the aisles of the forest lay
+enormous trunks of trees, like columns about an unfinished temple, thickly
+coated with a heavy green moss; and there was a smell of bark, and swelling
+twigs, and struggling roots&mdash;such a smell as only the early spring days
+give out&mdash;as though the earth and the forest were just gaping and
+stretching with a decayed last year's breath, before rousing up to the
+duties of this.</p>
+
+<p>Then the rivulets began to get into tune. The one that ran tumbling through
+the woods seemed to be in a very great hurry, and shot around its islands
+of moss and promontories of tree-roots with great zeal. It had unwound from
+its reel of light and moisture a green ribbon, that lay along its shores
+miles and miles away in the wilderness; and the birds slyly bathed
+themselves in its waters; and now and then a small fish came rushing down
+with the speed of an arrow, just returning from his winter quarters to the
+river, probably to enter his name upon the great piscatorial roll
+preparatory to summer service.</p>
+
+<p>In a basin, just below a little fall of this brook, two or three wood-ducks
+were ploughing round and round. These wood-ducks are hermits, and secrete
+themselves in ponds and watery thickets, where silence and shadows prevail.
+On one of these mornings, ruminating on its banks, sat Venison Styles, his
+gun resting on the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_363" id="Page_363">[Pg 363]</a></span> ground, apparently in a profound study. I looked at the
+old hunter a long time, and his figure was as fixed and immovable as if he
+were a part of the landscape, and had grown there like the trees about him.
+What can the old man be dreaming about? thought I. Perhaps he already hears
+the approaching footsteps of dancing May, her head crowned with flowers,
+and the music of the thousand birds that supported her train. It was
+already spring&mdash;summer&mdash;in his soul. He was thinking of the sports of the
+coming year, and the light and pomp of the seasons passed before his
+imagination like the gorgeous pictures of a panorama.</p>
+
+<p>These April days were inspiring. Occasionally a bleak squall of rain or
+snow obscured the sky, and silenced the music of Nature; but the heavens
+looked bluer, and the birds sang more lustily, after it passed away. In the
+latter part of the month the ground became settled, and the frogs, towards
+evening, and sometimes during the moist, smoky afternoons, sent up their
+melancholy wailing from the wide wastes of marsh that stretched themselves
+through the woods and along the river banks. Some of these marshes were ten
+miles long, and two or three broad; and such a concert of voices as
+congregated there was never equalled by anything else. I had, and still
+have, notions of my own about these vocalists. I am sure that they sang
+under discipline and system&mdash;that they performed on different kinds of
+instruments. Some of them seemed to be blowing a flageolet; others drew
+their bows across their violins; some played the fife; while here and there
+might be heard grum twangs, like the twanging of bass-viol strings. He who
+listened long and closely might detect delicate vibrations of almost<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_364" id="Page_364">[Pg 364]</a></span> every
+tone in art or nature. Sometimes their voices sounded like the dying echoes
+of ten thousand bells, all of a different key, yet the tangled melody was
+an entanglement of chords and discords, and it rolled away, and expired in
+waves of pure harmony; again, it was like a choir of human voices
+performing an anthem. I thought I could hear syllables, too&mdash;the
+articulation of words&mdash;something like a psalm. Then the words and sounds
+appeared to change, and, by the aid of the imagination, one would have
+supposed that the whole community were shouting&mdash;delivering political
+harangues&mdash;or that its members had got on a "bust," and were rattling off
+all kinds of nonsense in a drunken frolic.</p>
+
+<p>April brought with it, too, flying showers and warm sunshine. The grass
+began to wake up, and scent the air with its sweetness. Along the
+watercourses the willows unfolded their leaves; the buds swelled in the
+forests; and the tree-tops were touched with a light shade of brown, and
+then a shade of green, which grew deeper and deeper each day. Large flocks
+of pigeons darkened the air, all moving from south to north,&mdash;from whence,
+or to where, I could not tell. A company would sometimes "hold up" for an
+hour or two, to "feed and rest," like a caravan at an oasis; but they soon
+took their wings again, and pursued their journey.</p>
+
+<p>The tenants of the ground burst their tombs, and came up for duty. The
+gopher, and squirrel, and the ant went to work. I noticed a large community
+of ants who had commenced building a city. Their last year's metropolis was
+destroyed, and they were compelled to begin from the foundation; and such a
+stir and bustle was never exceeded. Hundreds of laborers were in the work<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_365" id="Page_365">[Pg 365]</a></span>
+up to their eyes. Here was one fellow with a grain of sand in his mouth&mdash;a
+rock to him, I suppose&mdash;climbing over twigs and dead grass, standing
+sometimes perpendicular with his load, and not unfrequently falling over
+backwards, yet struggling away, surmounting all obstacles, until he finally
+reached the place of deposit. Then there was a class of miners who shot up
+from their holes, dropped their speck of dirt, wheeled, and shot back
+again. Trains of them were continually ascending and descending. There was
+still another class&mdash;"blooded characters," most likely&mdash;possibly
+overseers&mdash;who did not do any work, but ran around from point to point, as
+if inspecting the rest, and giving to them directions. Once in a while a
+couple of workmen would run a-foul of each other, and get into a quarrel&mdash;a
+clinch&mdash;a fight&mdash;and the "tussle" lasted until they were parted. This
+colony, I will say, erected a large mound of earth in a very few
+weeks&mdash;gigantic to them as an Egyptian pyramid is to us&mdash;in which they
+lived and labored during the season.</p>
+
+<p>Finally, the swallows, and brown-threshers, and blackbirds, and martins
+came&mdash;not all in a body, but straggling along. The blackbirds appeared
+first, and might be seen flying about from tree to tree, and fence to
+fence, near by the upturned furrows that the ploughman had left behind him.
+Such a saucy troop of pirates as they were! Flocks of them sat about in the
+oaks, showering a host of epithets upon the said ploughman; then a dozen or
+more darted down, staggered over the ground, picked up a worm, and dashed
+away into the oaks again. They scolded, and fretted, and coaxed, and
+threatened, and nettled about like a belle of sixteen. Some of them were
+dressed in a suit of glossy black, with a neckcloth<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_366" id="Page_366">[Pg 366]</a></span> of shifting green;
+others wore red epaulets on their wings; and a flock of them, darting
+through the air, had the appearance of braided streams of fire, or
+interlaced rainbows. Towards evening they all went down among the alders
+and willows by the river, and had a long chat among themselves. They bowed,
+and twitched, and stretched down one wing, and then the other; lit upon the
+little twigs, and see-sawed as they sung, and did many other things. They
+were evidently erecting themselves into some kind of a government for the
+year&mdash;holding a caucus&mdash;perhaps an election&mdash;deposing an old monarch, or
+elevating a new; for it was easy to hear them say what they would do, and
+what they wouldn't&mdash;that is, easy for one who has studied the blackbird
+language&mdash;and sometimes an awful threat might be detected, mixed with a
+great many wheedling words and gracious postures.</p>
+
+<p>The brown-threshers came next, and they were just as full of chatter and
+life as they were the year before. Birds never grow old, it seems to me,
+nor have I ever been able to determine when or where they die. The hunter
+kills but a very few, and those few of a certain kind. What becomes of the
+rest? They breed every spring in great numbers; but how, when, and where do
+they die? We do not find dead birds in the woods; at any rate, very few.
+Yes, the brown threshers were as young as ever. They looked very shabby and
+mussed when I last saw them in the fall; but now their brown clothes shone
+as cleanly as a Quaker-girl's shawl. They took up Nature's music-book, and
+rattled off all the songs, and glees, and anthems in it&mdash;very often making
+a medley of it, mixing the notes of the birds that were<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_367" id="Page_367">[Pg 367]</a></span> chanting around
+all together&mdash;and they often closed the performance with an original strain
+of their own, composed on the spot.</p>
+
+<p>When the swallows and the martins came, I knew that spring was fully
+established. They appeared suddenly during the night; for when the May sun
+arose, they were twittering and wheeling through the air, shooting up and
+plunging down in a kind of delicious rapture. Their music was set on the
+staff of blue skies, south-west winds, and flowers. There was not a note of
+winter in it. The woods, and streams, and fields seemed to have been
+waiting for their melody, for all Nature went to work, and was soon clad in
+beauty, and light, and song.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_368" id="Page_368">[Pg 368]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CHAPTER XXVII.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>A Railroad through Puddleford.&mdash;Effect on Squire
+Longbow.&mdash;Bright Prospects of Puddleford.&mdash;Change.&mdash;"The
+Styleses."&mdash;The New Justice.&mdash;Aunt Sonora's Opinions.&mdash;Ike
+Turtle grows too.&mdash;Venison disappears from among Men.&mdash;His
+Grave, and his Epitaph.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>Reader, I have written for you the history of a year's residence at
+Puddleford. But the place is changed now&mdash;very much changed. It is not what
+it used to be&mdash;its people, its habits, are very different. This change was
+the result of a variety of causes. The first thing that happened to it&mdash;a
+startling event it was&mdash;a railroad was built plump through its heart. It
+was a road running a great distance, and it took Puddleford in its way
+merely because it happened to fall in its line. I shall never forget Squire
+Longbow's frenzied excitement the first time the locomotive came puffing
+and whistling in. He actually lost his dignity for the moment. He ran and
+wheezed after the steam-horse like a madman, lost his green eye-shade, and
+committed a very serious breach in the rear part of his pantaloons. He did
+not venture very near the machine at first, but sheltered himself behind a
+tree, where he could watch its panting and spitting without danger.</p>
+
+<p>I recollect how pompously the Squire talked on this occasion. He said "all
+nater couldn't stop Puddleford<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_369" id="Page_369">[Pg 369]</a></span> having ten thousand inhabitants 'fore
+'nother census&mdash;she'd be one of the <i>ex</i>-poriums (emporiums) of the
+West&mdash;it was nothing on airth that made Greece and Rome but these great
+etarnal improvements"&mdash;and as he was a kind of oracle among a large class,
+he infused a spirit of consequence and importance into those around him
+that was quite ludicrous. Ike Turtle, Sile Bates, the Beagles, and Swipes,
+and many others, actually mounted their Sunday clothes, and wore them every
+day&mdash;but whether Ike himself was in fun or earnest, no person could tell.</p>
+
+<p>The building of this road was the cause of a great change certainly; yet it
+changed not the population itself, but substituted another in its stead. It
+brought in a class of persons who had money, and money is omnipotent
+everywhere. It brought different habits, thoughts, and feelings. The
+"Styles family" first purchased a large farm near the village. There was an
+air about them that fairly awed the Puddlefordians. They were petted, run
+after, imitated. One could hear nothing but "Young Mr. Styles," "Old Mr.
+Styles," "The elderly Mrs. Styles," "Miss Arabella Styles," "Miss Florinda
+Styles." Miss Florinda and Arabella wore flaring under-clothes in those
+days, and this fashion fairly upset the heads of the Puddleford ladies; and
+in less than a month I could not identify half the women of the place.
+Their shrunken forms, stuffed with skirts, were about the shape of little
+pyramids.</p>
+
+<p>Purchases of farms and village property went on, year after year, until
+nearly every true Puddlefordian was ousted. The place has now, like the
+snake, cast its skin; and the old pioneers, they who hewed down the
+forest,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_370" id="Page_370">[Pg 370]</a></span> and "bore the heat and burden of the day," are living around the
+outskirts of the village, with hardly a competence, or have emigrated to
+wilds still farther west.</p>
+
+<p>Squire Longbow, however, still holds his own. He still lives on the old
+spot&mdash;is just as wise and happy as ever. Time has not affected his
+intellect, or impaired his self-consequence. He is no longer justice of the
+peace, but in his place we have a pert, dapper, little fellow, who wears a
+large ring on his little finger, and gives very scholastic opinions. The
+Squire professes to hold him in contempt, and says he "runs agin the
+staterts and common law mor'n half the time"&mdash;that "he don't know a <i>fiery
+factus</i> from a common execution"&mdash;that "he never looks inter the undying
+Story for 'thority, but goes on <i>squashing</i> papers, right straight agin the
+constitution and the <i>etar</i>nal rights of man."</p>
+
+<p>Aunt Sonora was dissatisfied, too, with the revolution in society. She told
+me, the last time I saw her, that Puddleford was "made up of a hull passel
+of flip-er-ter-<i>gib</i>-its, and she couldn't see what in created natur' the
+place was a-comin' to&mdash;she never see'd such works in all her born days,"
+that "the men wore broadcloth, and the women silks, and flar'd and spread
+about like pea-cocks. Nobody does nuthin'," said she. "The dear massy! They
+are getting so hoity-toity! I <i>do</i> wonder who pays!"</p>
+
+<p>Ike Turtle is about the only person who has grown with the place. There was
+no such thing as keeping <i>him</i> under. He is just as humorous as ever, but a
+little more polished. Ike says "it won't do to let his natur' out as he
+used to, when the bushes were thick, and Squire Longbow was gov'ner"&mdash;that
+"he feels himself almost<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_371" id="Page_371">[Pg 371]</a></span> a-bustin' with one of his speeches, sometimes;
+but the folks wouldn't understand him if he made it&mdash;and as for law, he'd
+gin it all up&mdash;it had got to be so nice and genteel an article, there
+warn't a grain of justis' in it&mdash;everything was 'peal'd up, and 'peal'd up,
+until both parties themselves were 'peal'd to death." Ike has turned his
+attention to land and saw-mills, and is getting rich.</p>
+
+<p>Poor Venison Styles! Dear old hunter! Venison is dead, and his children are
+scattered in the wilderness. He was found, one May morning, stretched out
+under a large maple, his dog and gun by his side, stiff and cold. The
+brown-threshers and bluebirds were singing merrily above him, and the
+squirrels were chattering their nonsense in the distance. His dog lay with
+his nose near his master's face, his fore paw upon his shoulder. How he
+died, no one could tell. He is buried on a bluff that overlooks the river;
+and I have fenced his grave, and erected a stone over his remains, with
+this inscription&mdash;"Nature loved him, if man did not."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_372" id="Page_372">[Pg 372]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CHAPTER XXVIII.</h2>
+
+<h3>CONCLUSION.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>The Philosophy of Puddleford.&mdash;Diverse Elements in Pioneer
+Life.&mdash;Longbow and his Administration.&mdash;Not Expensive.&mdash;Two
+Hundred a Year, all told.&mdash;What would Chief Justice Marshall
+have done as Justice of Puddleford?&mdash;Longbow a great
+Man.&mdash;Fame and Politics.&mdash;Ike, a Wheel.&mdash;Puddleford
+Theology.&mdash;Camp-Meetings.&mdash;Who will do Bigelow's Work better
+than Bigelow?&mdash;Great Happiness, and few Nerves.&mdash;No
+"Society."&mdash;No Fashion in Clothes, or anything
+else.&mdash;Bull's-Eye and Pinchbeck.&mdash;The Great Trade didn't
+"Come Off."&mdash;Abounding Charity and Hospitality.&mdash;Pilgrim
+Blood.&mdash;Longbow's.&mdash;Planting the <i>Mud-Sills</i>.&mdash;Old
+Associations, how Controlling!&mdash;Good by, Reader.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>Reader, I cannot dismiss Puddleford without adding a chapter in conclusion.
+The pictures I have drawn suggest to me something more. There is a
+<i>philosophy</i> that underlies the dignity of Longbow, the humor of Turtle,
+the rough sincerity of Aunt Sonora, the stormy and eccentric eloquence of
+Bigelow. Do you not think so?</p>
+
+<p>Puddleford was like a thousand other new settlements&mdash;it had its green
+state to pass through; and Puddleford's pioneers were like other
+pioneers&mdash;rough, honest, hardy, strong in common sense, but weak in the
+books. It was not a perfect organization, packed beforehand with men fitted
+to all the stations of life, like Hooker and his band. But one pioneer came
+after another&mdash;and notions, creeds,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_373" id="Page_373">[Pg 373]</a></span> and prejudices, were all tumbled in
+together. Puddleford prospered, nevertheless. Every man was right upon the
+question of civil and religious liberty. Each person brought this law with
+him, written on his soul; and, however clumsily he might give it
+expression, the law was there, and he could not rid himself of it any more
+than he could throw off his nature. If Longbow administered the details of
+jurisprudence awkwardly, Longbow was, after all, right in leading
+principles. If Longbow at times trampled down technicalities, the
+community, on the average, did not suffer. If Longbow even made a little
+law now and then, to fill a gap, it was well made, and the gap well filled.
+Longbow might as well have attempted to shave an elephant with a razor as
+to manage the raw recruits of early Puddleford with subtle distinctions;
+and, besides, Longbow, as the reader has discovered, had no knowledge of
+that kind of instrument, nor was it necessary that he should have.
+Longbow's legal rules necessarily ran on a sliding-scale, and he fitted
+them to the case in hand, not to cases in general.</p>
+
+<p>The reader sees, then, a necessity for such men as Longbow in such a
+community. If it is impossible to find a man capable of preparing a
+technical set of legal papers, it is important to find a man who is
+incapable or unwilling to break them down. No man ever slipped through
+Longbow's fingers upon a mere technicality.</p>
+
+<p>Again, Longbow's judicial duties were not expensive. An expensive judicial
+tribunal would have ruined Puddleford outright. Puddleford was not only
+obliged to use such timber as it had for public men, but the timber must
+also be cheap. Longbow was no mahogany judge, polished and wrought into
+scrolls, though there were a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_374" id="Page_374">[Pg 374]</a></span> great many lines and angles about him. He was
+a plain piece of green-ash, strong, yet elastic enough to bend when justice
+demanded. He was not an expensive article, and therefore the interest the
+public paid upon him was small. He would sit all day, amid the war and
+tumult of contending litigants, and breast the storm of insult that was
+heaped upon him from the right and the left, for four shillings and
+sixpence. I do not mean to say that he lacked self-respect&mdash;no man
+respected himself more&mdash;but he had, somehow or somewhere, imbibed the idea
+that pettifoggers were entitled to great latitude of speech, and that he
+was <i>paid</i> for listening to them. I have seen the Squire many a time
+passing through one of these conflicts, when <i>his</i> name was used very
+irreverently, holding as solemn a face as that worn by a marble statue of
+Solon.</p>
+
+<p>Longbow's annual income amounted to about two hundred dollars a year, and
+this Puddleford could "stand." But he had many duties to perform outside of
+his office of magistrate to insure him this amount. As I have said
+elsewhere, he was the grand Puddleford umpire, and, I am very certain,
+settled more difficulties as a man than a magistrate. School and highway
+districts and officers often got twisted in a snarl, and Longbow unravelled
+the knot&mdash;right or wrong it matters not, he put a finish to the matter;
+and, <i>whether</i> right or wrong, reader, what difference did it make so long
+as no one else knew it, and everybody had confidence? If confidence will
+sustain a bank, ought not confidence to sustain Squire Longbow?</p>
+
+<p>And then A.'s pigs broke into B.'s garden&mdash;A.'s line-fence stood three feet
+on B.'s land. A. swore there was a legal, lawful highway across B.'s land;
+B. swore it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_375" id="Page_375">[Pg 375]</a></span> was no such thing, and he would shoot the first man who
+crossed it. A. called B. a thief, and B. called A. another. A. agreed to
+break up for B., but never did, because B. refused to clear his land. A.
+and B. exchanged horses; A.'s horse had the heaves, and B.'s was spavined;
+and so on, trouble after trouble, how often and many in kind I cannot say,
+Squire Longbow has brought to a compromise. These were extrajudicial
+services, and the two hundred dollars a year covered all.</p>
+
+<p>If it had been possible to place Chief Justice Marshall, or even a finished
+city lawyer, in the seat of Squire Longbow, how signally he must have
+failed! He would have been utterly incompetent to the task, and would have
+burned his books, and fled from the settlement under cover of night.
+Confusion is often the best manager of confusion. A clean, clear,
+analytical mind might have flashed now and then, but it could never have
+governed the storm. While our finished lawyer was playing about a refined
+distinction, Longbow would bury all distinctions "ten fathoms deep," and
+end all controversy by repeating some old saying, and dismiss the whole
+matter as summarily as the adjournment of a cause.</p>
+
+<p>Longbow was not only a good man, a cheap man, but he was a great man.
+Greatness is relative, not absolute. I hope my friends do not intend to
+dispute the truth of this proposition; because I have the documents to
+prove it, when officially called upon to do so. Great men are like figures
+on a thermometer&mdash;some thermometers, it is true, are much longer, and
+contain a great many more figures than others. The only question any
+ambitious man cares to ask is, how many figures there are on the scale
+above his. The Puddleford thermometer was very<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_376" id="Page_376">[Pg 376]</a></span> short, dear reader, and
+Longbow's figure was the highest. Is not this fame? Puddleford fame, say
+you? Puddleford fame, indeed! It will outlast, I will wager my old hat, the
+fame of nine tenths of the members of Congress, who have for the last ten
+years blown themselves hoarse making speeches to their outraged and
+indignant constituency. Why, Longbow's name will be remembered in
+Puddleford years after his death; and how many names can you repeat of
+those who strutted through the last Congress, or how many of the members
+for your own district for the last thirty years? Fame, indeed! But I do not
+wish to quarrel about so fleeting a thing as fame, and I will, therefore,
+dismiss that subject.</p>
+
+<p>The politics of Puddleford were a little ridiculous; but Turtle's political
+fun was used by him as a means to carry out an end. Turtle's patriotism and
+Turtle's principles were beyond suspicion. Reader, there is no spot of
+American soil more truly patriotic than Puddleford. There are no great
+depositories&mdash;no central heart&mdash;in this country, from which American
+principles flow; every <i>man</i> is a centre, a law unto himself. Ike Turtle
+was a centre; he was a kind of political wheel; ran on his own axis;
+borrowed no propelling power from abroad, but kept himself whirling with
+the spirit of '76, of which he had always a large supply on hand. He
+reminded me of a fire-wheel, used on celebration days, he cast off so many
+colored lights: now he whizzed; then he banged; now he shot forth stars;
+then spears of flame; but he was still a wheel, and always set himself in
+motion to some purpose.</p>
+
+<p>What shall I say of the theology of Puddleford? I have already alluded to
+it in the pages of this work.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_377" id="Page_377">[Pg 377]</a></span> Permit me to say more. Creeds travel with
+men wherever they go. Creeds often colonize the wilderness; they have
+nerved more hearts, stirred and sustained more souls, scattered more
+civilization, than any or all other agents. But Puddleford was not settled
+by any particular idea, civil or religious; yet the Puddlefordians brought
+with them a great many ideas, both civil and religious. They were, however,
+incidental, not primary. The religious exercises of the country were like
+its people, ardent, strong, fiery, and often tempestuous. Bigelow Van Slyck
+was an embodiment of Puddleford theology. He did not argue doctrine, for
+two reasons: he did not know how, and he would not if he could; but, to use
+his own language, "he took sin by the horns, and held it by main force."</p>
+
+<p>A quiet religion with a Puddlefordian was synonymous with no religion.
+Religion with him was something to be seen, to touch, to handle. Puddleford
+religion was often very noisy, and it manifested itself in many ways. We
+used to have an outburst at camp-meeting, which was held once in each year
+by the prevailing sect in the country. A camp-meeting! The reader has
+attended a camp-meeting, I know; but <i>we</i> had the genuine kind. Puddleford
+was depopulated on such occasions; and its inhabitants, supplied with the
+necessaries of life and a tent, went forth into the wilderness to give a
+high tone to their piety. They wanted air, and space, and time. All this
+was characteristic, and was like the people. What would <i>they</i> have done
+inside a temple of springing arches and fretted dome&mdash;of statues looking
+coldly down from their niches&mdash;of pictured saints&mdash;where organ anthems
+rolled and trembled?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_378" id="Page_378">[Pg 378]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What to the Puddlefordians were the refinements of religious exercises? The
+wild wood was their "temple not made with hands," columned, and curtained,
+and festooned, and lit up by the sun at day, and the stars at night; and
+here, in this temple, day after day, the people camped; in the more
+immediate presence of the Most High built their watch-fires, that sent up
+long streams of smoke over the green canopy that sheltered them, and knelt
+down to pray.</p>
+
+<p>The theology of Puddleford was brought out in strong relief at these
+meetings. They were business gatherings. The trials and crosses of every
+member were freely canvassed, and consolation administered. The "inner
+life" of each individual was thoroughly dissected&mdash;the spiritual condition
+of the vineyard in general carefully examined; sermons preached strong
+enough, both in voice and expression, to raise the dead; money was
+collected for benevolent purposes, and many more duties performed, which I
+cannot stop to mention.</p>
+
+<p>The reader sees that these men and women were laying the foundation timbers
+of many sects that must follow them&mdash;follow them with their houses of
+worship, their intelligence, their refinement, and, I may say, their
+theological abstractions, their shadows, and shades, and points of
+distinction. Who is there that could do Bigelow's work better than he? Who
+is there that will ever toil and sweat more hours in his Master's vineyard?
+And to whom will the posterity of Puddleford be more indebted?</p>
+
+<p>But, to drop the leading characters of Puddleford, let us go down a while
+among the rank and file; let us examine <i>their</i> condition. And here I may
+get into trouble.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_379" id="Page_379">[Pg 379]</a></span> Comparisons are said to be odious. I do not know who
+said it, nor do I care; the motive which one has in view must determine the
+truth of the remark. There was a vast deal of happiness in Puddleford. I do
+not now remember one nervous woman in the place. Think of that. If
+refinement brings its joys, it often covers a delicate, sensitive nature;
+but there was nobody delicate or sensitive at Puddleford; nobody went into
+fits because a rat crossed the floor, or a spider swung itself down in
+their way. The evening air was never too damp, nor the morning sun too
+oppressive. Labor made the people hardy, and an over-taxed brain hatched no
+bugbears. I verily believe the nightmare was never known. There were no
+persons tired of time&mdash;not that they had so much to do&mdash;but they were all
+contented with time and things as they were.</p>
+
+<p>You have discovered that there was no society in Puddleford; and when I say
+<span class="smcap">Society</span>, I do not mean that there was no social intercourse, but society
+organized and governed by rules and regulations. Here was another blessing.
+Aunt Sonora never got into hysterics because Mrs. Beagles had not called on
+her for three weeks. Aunt Sonora would say, that "Mrs. Beagles might stay
+to hum as long as she was a min-ter." Aunt Sonora never worked herself up
+into a frustration because her gingerbread didn't rise when Squire Longbow
+took tea with her; but she just told the Squire, "he'd got-ter go it heavy,
+or go without." And then Aunt Sonora was under no obligation to make
+fashionable calls; she was not a fashionable lady; there was no fashion to
+call on. She did not go around and throw in a little very cold respect into
+her neighbor's parlor, because there<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_380" id="Page_380">[Pg 380]</a></span> were no parlors in Puddleford, and
+Aunt Sonora couldn't for the life of her do a formal thing if there had
+been. If she wanted to "blow out agin' any one," to use her language, why,
+she blew out, and in their faces, too, because the rules of her society had
+not taught her hypocrisy.</p>
+
+<p>There was another blessing. Puddlefordians were not continually tempted to
+covet some new thing of their neighbors. A new bonnet now and then raised a
+breeze; but no one was under any obligation to purchase a similar one. In
+other words, the laws of society did not dictate what one should wear. Aunt
+Sonora had worn her old plaid cloak for twenty years, and yet remained in
+society. Mrs. Beagle's "Leghorn," which looked something like a corn-fan,
+and came into the country with her, was orthodox. Turtle had a pair of
+breeches old enough in all conscience, the legs cut off above the knees,
+and turned, as he said, "hind side afore, to hide the holes in front,"
+which pettifogged as well as when they were new. Squire Longbow wore the
+same clouded-blue stockings that he did when first elected magistrate; but
+Mrs. Longbow had ravelled them up several times, and "footed them over." I
+dislike, reader, to go into particulars, and thus expose the wardrobe of
+the Puddlefordians, but I cannot express myself clearly on so important a
+point in any other way; and I promised at the commencement of this sketch
+to make it philosophical.</p>
+
+<p>I do not know how the reader will look on the blessings which I have just
+enumerated. He may be a leader of fashion; the shade and tie of his
+neckcloth may be as weighty and important a matter with him as his
+reputation. He may be one of those who religiously believe<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_381" id="Page_381">[Pg 381]</a></span> that a man, at
+a party, without a white vest, is no gentleman, and ought forthwith to be
+kicked, in a genteel way, headlong into the street. He may think it vulgar
+to laugh, and that no smile but a fashionable smile should be tolerated. He
+<i>may</i>, I say&mdash;and may think me an &mdash;&mdash;. But just pause a moment. I am only
+writing the history of Puddleford, my friend; and, besides, just sit down
+coolly, and think of the luxury there must be in sojourning at a place
+where one can wear his old clothes year in and year out, preserve public
+respect, and cut and turn his breeches at that!</p>
+
+<p>The household furniture of the Puddlefordians was always in fashion; in
+fact, there was a remarkable uniformity in this respect in all the cabins
+in the settlement. The white-wood table, wooden chairs, the dozen cups and
+saucers, the cook-stove and its furniture, bed and bedding, comprised the
+stock of nearly every family. Turtle often said that the people "didn't
+have as much furniter as the law allow'd 'em, and the state had got-ter
+make it up." It is discovered that this equality was productive of
+beneficial results. It was not possible for one Puddlefordian to envy
+another Puddlefordian. There was no fancy hundred-dollar rocking-chair
+exhibited to throw any one into spasms; there were no pianos bewitching the
+souls and purses of the community. (Reader, <i>I</i> have no spite against
+pianos.) Why, in short, there was not anything there that was not there
+when the pioneers first planted themselves on the soil. I recollect that
+Sile Bates owned a pinchbeck watch, and Squire Longbow was the proprietor
+of a "bull's-eye," and they were both wonders. The Squire and Sile once
+attempted an exchange of these articles, and the transaction was so
+momentous that all<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_382" id="Page_382">[Pg 382]</a></span> Puddleford was kept in excitement for three weeks. The
+bargain was as important and solemn as a treaty between two high
+contracting powers. There was one point in the trade that was positively
+exciting. Sile had offered five dollars to boot, payable in saw-logs (no
+person paid money at Puddleford, unless by special agreement, "'fore
+witness"), and here the parties "hung fire" for several days. Turtle said
+the Squire "orter to strike;" Beagles said, "he'd get skin'd if he did;"
+Bulliphant said, "the pinchbeck was worn out;" Aunt Sonora said, her
+husband "tell'd her, that a man tell'd him, that he know'd Longbow's
+bull's-eye forty years afore, and it could scase tick then;" and much more
+was said; but, alas! the trade, to use Ike's language, "fizzled out," and
+Puddleford settled down again into its usual tranquillity.</p>
+
+<p>The philosophy of this attempted bargain is clear enough. There was nothing
+in Puddleford to excite envy. What there was, was old; no new thing was
+thrown in to tantalize. Longbow, it is true, once ventured upon a carpet,
+but, as he was a magistrate, the enterprise was deemed very proper. Do you
+not agree with me, that Puddleford had its blessings? Does not poverty
+often "bring healing on its wings"? How many are there in the world that
+would gladly flee from the chains of society, even to Puddleford, willing
+to fling themselves in some just such by-place of the world, where they
+could sit down perfectly independent, and take "their own ease in their own
+inn?" How many, reader?</p>
+
+<p>I must not forget the charity of the Puddlefordians. Charity and
+hospitality are distinguishing characteristics of western people. However
+violent feuds might rage,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_383" id="Page_383">[Pg 383]</a></span> suffering and want were relieved, so far as
+there was an ability to do it. I have seen another kind of charity, a
+fashionable article, used according to the laws of etiquette, and not
+according to the laws of heartfelt sympathy. I do not know that any person
+was ever neglected in Puddleford because he or she did not belong to a
+particular church. Mrs. A. never refused to assist Mrs. B. in sickness,
+because she and Mrs. B. did not visit, or because she did not know Mrs. B.
+(That word, don't "<i>know</i>," in finished society, simply means, reader, that
+the person holds no intercourse.) But everybody <i>did</i> know everybody in
+Puddleford; and when one of the number was stricken down by affliction, the
+remainder all "turned in," and "put their shoulders to the wheel." Why,
+bless you, reader, you ought to witness an eruption of Puddleford sympathy.
+You ought to see Aunt Sonora, with her apron loaded with boneset, sage, and
+a pail filled with gruel, hurrying along "for dear life," to relieve the
+distressed&mdash;Mrs. Swipes, with a little mustard, or a bit of "jel"; Mrs.
+Beagles, Aunt Graves, and Sister Abigail, with something else. Is not this
+something?</p>
+
+<p>I must, however, draw my "Conclusion" to a close. Permit me to do it
+gradually, as I have a word or two more to say, and I may never have
+another opportunity. The reader has, by this time, become quite intimate
+with the leading characters of Puddleford, and says, perhaps, "A queer
+compound." But do you know, reader, that Longbow, and Turtle, and I do not
+know how many more, trace their blood directly back to the Pilgrims? It is
+"as true as fate." And how they have become so metamorphosed is the
+question. Puddleford stock was,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_384" id="Page_384">[Pg 384]</a></span> much of it, Puritan stock. Those old
+stalwart heroes, whose hearts were a living coal; whose wills, granite;
+whose home, heaven; who "walked by faith, not by sight;" before whose eyes
+moved "the cloud by day, and the pillar of fire by night;" who heard voices
+all around them, such as haunted John on the Isle of Patmos, are the
+progenitors of Longbow and Turtle. What a country is this of ours, to have
+worked such results!</p>
+
+<p>But I learned, upon inquiry, that Longbow's blood had experienced a very
+serious pilgrimage since its departure from its New England head. It had
+been mixed with Irish, and Scotch, and English, and German. In reality, the
+Squire was a kind of "compound" of all nations, as most Americans are. If
+it were possible to introduce Captain Standish, the military hero of 1620,
+or Bradford, or Winslow, to Squire Longbow, they would look as wildly at
+him as the boys did at poor Rip Van Winkle after his long sleep on the
+mountain. I am sure they would not be able to detect any resemblance to the
+Mayflower. They would find the Squire a little the worse for wear&mdash;ignorant
+in spiritual matters&mdash;discover that his psalm-book was lost, and he as
+blind as a beetle in the New-England catechism. But, after all, if they
+probed him deep, they would strike much, very much, of the old stuff,
+living and burning yet.</p>
+
+<p>The Squire's Pilgrim blood, too, had filled nearly all occupations in life.
+It had been a sailor&mdash;the master of a vessel&mdash;a merchant&mdash;fought in the
+Revolution&mdash;a preacher once, and once a lawyer. These facts I procured from
+the Squire for my special use, and they may be relied upon. And now that
+same blood was doing service at Puddleford as a magistrate. Whether blood<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_385" id="Page_385">[Pg 385]</a></span>
+changes occupation, or occupation blood, is a physiological question that I
+do not intend to debate. But that one can be surprised at any exhibition of
+American character, after looking into the crosses and counter-crosses of
+blood, is marvellous.</p>
+
+<p>Here is a sample of Puddleford blood, and such is the blood of many western
+pioneers. How much the world is indebted to the pioneer! He lays the
+foundation, let build who may. I regret the necessity of perpetrating a
+ridiculous figure, but I cannot help it: he plants deep the <i>mud-sills</i> of
+empire, amid toil, and sweat, and groans, poverty and disease. The
+superstructure is always reared by other hands. The columns and capitals
+are the product of wealth and taste. How few of them reap the harvest,
+their cabins, now standing deserted and silent, and strewn thousands of
+miles over the West and North-west, abundantly testify.</p>
+
+<p>The pioneer severs all connection between himself and the past when he
+enters upon his work. I have already remarked that Puddleford had no past.
+He breaks all local ties, and snaps in twain the golden threads that link
+him to his home. The caravan that winds away from the old hearth-stone,
+where the first kiss was imprinted, the first prayer offered, where the
+winter cricket sang as the tempest roared without, and devotes itself to a
+wilderness, leaves behind what can never be found again. The barefooted
+striplings who gambol with it&mdash;the immortal seed to be sown, and to
+sow&mdash;from whose loins giants in thought, word, and action will spring&mdash;"may
+forget," and themselves become new centres of new associations&mdash;but men and
+women never.</p>
+
+<p>What constitutes a man?&mdash;a nation? Inhabitants<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_386" id="Page_386">[Pg 386]</a></span> only? The songs of a people
+stir them up to revolution&mdash;and what are they but the glowing language of
+the associations of the soul? What is Bannockburn to a savage? A plain,
+over which the winds blow and the thistles gather. What to a Scotchman? A
+living, breathing host! What to the pioneer is the memory of that church
+steeple that flung its long shadow over his boyhood, around whose vane the
+swallows whirled, and the evening sun lingered?&mdash;that bell that swung high
+therein?&mdash;the torrent that roared through his early years, and wove its
+music into his very being?&mdash;the lone cliff, where the cloud slept and the
+eagle rested? These all are a part of the man himself; and when he is torn
+from them, his very nature receives a shock, and he has lost, he hardly
+knows how or where, a portion of his very existence.</p>
+
+<p>Reader, you and I must part. How I ever happened to write the history of
+Puddleford is more than I can say. I have more than once been frightened at
+my impudence. In all probability you will never hear of me again in
+print&mdash;and, before we separate, reach me your hand&mdash;(if it is a lady's, it
+is all the better)&mdash;"Good by to you, my friend;" and if you should stray
+into Puddleford, I will set apart an hour, and give you an introduction to
+Squire Longbow&mdash;an honor to which, I am very sure, you cannot be insensible
+or indifferent.</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Puddleford Papers,, by H. H. Riley
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+</pre>
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+</body>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Puddleford Papers,, by H. H. Riley
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Puddleford Papers,
+       Or Humors of the West
+
+Author: H. H. Riley
+
+Release Date: July 10, 2011 [EBook #36678]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE PUDDLEFORD PAPERS, ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Emmy, Darleen Dove, Josephine Paolucci and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net.
+(This file was produced from images generously made
+available by The Internet Archive.)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: IKE TURTLE AND AUNT GRAVES.
+
+"Marry? _Me_ marry--marry a man--a great, awful man!"--Page 160.]
+
+
+
+
+THE PUDDLEFORD PAPERS;
+
+OR,
+
+HUMORS OF THE WEST.
+
+BY H. H. RILEY.
+
+_WITH ORIGINAL ILLUSTRATIONS._
+
+BOSTON:
+LEE AND SHEPARD, PUBLISHERS.
+
+NEW YORK:
+LEE, SHEPARD AND DILLINGHAM.
+
+1875.
+
+
+Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1874,
+
+BY LEE AND SHEPARD,
+
+In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington.
+
+Stereotyped at the Boston Stereotype Foundry,
+No. 19 Spring Lane.
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE.
+
+
+Everybody who writes a book, is expected to introduce it with a preface; to
+hang out a sign, the more captivating the better, informing the public what
+kind of entertainment may be expected within. I am very sorry that I am
+obliged to say that many a one has been wofully deceived by these outside
+proclamations, and some one may be again.
+
+I am unable to apologize to the public for inflicting this work upon it. It
+was not through "the entreaty of friends" that it was written. It is not
+the "outpourings of a delicate constitution." (I weigh one hundred and
+sixty pounds.) I was not driven into it "by a predestination to write,
+which was beyond my control." It is not "offered for the benefit of a few
+near relatives, who have insisted upon seeing it in print;" nor do I expect
+the public will tolerate it simply out of regard to my feelings, if their
+own feelings are not enlisted in its favor.
+
+The book is filled with portraits of Puddleford and the Puddlefordians.
+The reader may never have seen the portrait of a genuine Puddlefordian.
+Bless me, how much that man has lost! If the reader does not like the
+painting after he _has_ seen it, I cannot help it; it may be the fault of
+the original, or it may be from a want of skill in the painter.
+
+Like the carrier-pigeon, let it go, to return with glad tidings, or none at
+all.
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE TO THE THIRD EDITION.
+
+
+Many years have passed since Puddleford was first published. In the
+meanwhile the world has turned round and round, and so has Puddleford. The
+book, too, has been growing in size, from time to time, and some new
+"matter" has been now introduced.
+
+The object of the book was not merely humor. It was hoped by the author
+that the reader would discover an undercurrent, showing strong points of
+human nature in the rough, and how at last the rugged rock becomes rounded
+and polished into the smooth stone--the iron cleaver turned into the
+tempered sword. How stern, honest men, who are driven to grapple and
+struggle with the hardships of a new country, meet and dispose of them in
+an irregular and home-made way, by striking at the root of the question,
+disregarding mere form. How the foundation of law, religion, and order is
+laid in strength, if not in beauty. How other generations build thereon the
+temple with its pillars and spire.
+
+I cannot attempt to describe the Puddleford of to-day. Ike Turtle is old
+and gray, but his children hold high positions in society and state. Some
+of them have Ike's thorny, sharp genius, but toned down by education and
+cultivation into method and power. Squire Longbow totters around on his
+staff, tries over his old cases with anybody who will listen to him,
+repeats his decisions of fifteen years ago, quotes Ike's jokes, and sums up
+all the testimony for the fortieth time to his weary listeners. Aunt Sonora
+has gone to her reward. Other courts are held in Puddleford now.
+Technicalities are observed. Law is law. How much more justice is
+administered, it is not for me to say.
+
+The book is once more before the public. The public have received it in the
+past quite as well as it deserved, perhaps. Its future is now committed to
+the public again.
+
+                                            H. H. R.
+
+                                                SEPTEMBER 8, 1874.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS.
+
+
+CHAPTER I. PAGE
+
+     Puddleford.--Eagle Tavern.--Mr. and Mrs. Bulliphant.--May
+     Morning.--Birds.--Venison Styles.--General Character of
+     Society.--The Colonel.--Venison Styles's Cabin.                     17
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+     Lawsuit: Filkins against Beadle.--Squire Longbow and his
+     Court.--Puddleford assembled.--Why Squire Longbow was a
+     Great Man.--Ike Turtle and Sile Bates, Pettifoggers.--Mrs.
+     Sonora Brown.--Uproar and Legal Opinions.--Seth
+     Bolles.--Miss Eunice Grimes.--Argument to Jury, and Verdict.        34
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+     Wanderings in the Wilderness.--A Bee-Hunt.--Sunrise.--The
+     Fox-Squirrel.--The Blue-Jay.--The Gopher.--The
+     Partridges.--Wild Geese, Ducks, and Cranes.--Blackbirds and
+     Meadow-Larks.--Venison's Account of the Bees' Domestic
+     Economy.--How Venison found what he was in Search of.--Honey
+     secured.--After-Reflections.                                        54
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+     The Log-Chapel.--Father Beals.--Aunt Graves.--Sister
+     Abigail.--Bigelow Van Slyck, the Preacher.--His
+     Entree.--How he worked.--One of his Sermons.--Performance
+     of the Choir.--"Coronation" achieved.--Getting into
+     Position.--Personal Appeals.--Effect on the
+     Congregation.--Sabbath in the Wilderness.--Is Bigelow the
+     only Ridiculous Preacher?                                           66
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+     Indian Summer.--Venison Styles again.--Jim Buzzard.--Fishing
+     Excursion.--Muskrat City.--Indian Burying-Ground.--The
+     Pickerel and the Rest of the Fishes.--The Prairie.--Wild
+     Geese.--The Old Mound.--Venison's Regrets at the
+     degenerating Times.--His Luck, and Mine.--Reminiscences of
+     the Beavers.--Camping out.--Safe Return.                            81
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+     Educational Efforts.--Squire Longbow's "Notis."--"The
+     Saterday Nite."--Ike and the Squire.--Various Remarks to the
+     Point.--Mrs. Fizzle and the Temperance Question.--Collection
+     taken.--General Result.                                             96
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+     Social War.--Longbow, Turtle & Co.--Bird, Swipes, Beagle &
+     Co.--Mrs. Bird.--Mrs. Beagle.--Mrs. Swipes.--Turkey and
+     Aristocracy.--Scandal.--Husking-Bees, and "such like."--The
+     Calathumpian Band.--The Horse-Fiddle.--The Giant
+     Trombone.--The Gyastacutas.--Tuning up.--Unparalleled
+     Effort.--Puddleford still a Representative Place.                  105
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+     Puddleford and Politics.--Higgins against Wiggins.--The
+     Candidates' Personale.--Their Platforms.--Delicate
+     Questions.--Stump Speaking.--Wiggins on
+     Higgins.--Impertinent Interruptions.--Higgins on
+     Wiggins.--Ike Turtle not dead yet.--Commotion.--Squire
+     Longbow restores Order.--Grand Stroke of Policy.--The Roast
+     Ox at Gillett's Corners.                                           115
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+     Winter upon us.--The Roosters in the early Morning.--The
+     Blue-Jays and the Squirrels.--The Improvident Turkey.--The
+     Domestic Hearth, and who occupied it.--The Old Dog.--The
+     Blessed Old Mail-Horse.--The Newspapers.--Our
+     Come-to-Tea.--Mrs. Brown, her Arrival and
+     Experiences.--Entree of Bird, Beagles & Co.--Conflicting
+     Elements, and how Ike Turtle assimilated all.--Gratifying
+     Consequences.                                                      128
+
+
+CHAPTER X.
+
+     Mrs. Longbow taken sick.--General Interest.--Dr.
+     Teazle.--His Visit.--"The Rattles."--Scientific
+     Diagnosis.--A Prescription.--Short and Dr. Dobbs.--"Pantod
+     of the Heart."--Dismissal of Teazle.--Installation of
+     Dobbs.--"Scyller and Chara_bi_des."--Ike's Views.--The
+     Colonel's.--Bates's.--Mrs. Longbow dies.--Who killed her:
+     conflicting Opinions.--Her Funeral.--Bigelow Van Slyck's
+     Sermon.--Interment.                                                148
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.
+
+     Squire Longbow in Mourning.--The Great Question.--Aunt
+     Sonora's Opinion.--Other People's.--The Squire goes to
+     Church.--His Appearance on that Occasion.--Aunt Graves, and
+     her Extra Performance.--"Nux Vomica."--Anxious
+     Mothers.--Mary Jane Arabella Swipes.--Sister Abigail.--Ike
+     Turtle, and his Designs.--He calls on Aunt Graves.--She'll
+     go it.--Sister Abigail's Objection.--The Squire's First Love
+     Letter.--The Wedding.--Great Getting-up.--Turtle's
+     Examination.--The Squire runs the Risk of "the
+     Staterts."--Bigelow's Ceremony.--General Break-Down.--Not
+     _very_ Drunk.                                                      156
+
+
+CHAPTER XII.
+
+     The Group at "The Eagle."--Entree of a Stranger.--His
+     Opinion of the Tavern.--Bulliphant wakes up.--Can't pick
+     Fowls after Dark.--Sad Case of Mother Gantlet and Dr.
+     Teazle.--Mr. Farindale begins to unbend.--Whistle & Sharp,
+     and their Attorney.--Good Pay.--Legal Conversation.--Going
+     Sniping.--Great Description of the Animal.--The Party start,
+     Farindale holding the Bag.--"Waiting for
+     Snipe."--Farindale's Solitary Return.--His Interview with
+     Whistle & Sharp.--Suing a Puddleford Firm.--Relief
+     Laws.--Farindale gets his Execution.--The Puddleford
+     Bank.--The Appraisers.--Proceeds of the Execution.                 166
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII.
+
+     The "Fev-Nag."--Conflicting Theories.--"Oxergin and
+     Hydergin."--Teazle's Rationale.--The Scourge of the
+     West.--Sile Bates, and his Condition.--Squire Longbow and
+     Jim Buzzard.--Puddleford prostrate.--Various
+     Practitioners.--"The Billerous Duck."--Pioneer
+     Martyrs.--Wave over Wave.                                          182
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV.
+
+     Uncommonly Common Schools.--Annual School District
+     Meeting.--Accounts for Contingent Expenses.--Turtle and Old
+     Gulick's Boy.--"That are Glass."--The Colonel starts the
+     Wheels again.--Bulliphant's Tactics.--Have we hired "Deacon
+     Fluett's Darter," or not?--Isabel Strickett.--Bunker Hill
+     and Turkey.--Sah-Jane Beagles.--The Question settled.              190
+
+
+CHAPTER XV.
+
+     Venison Styles again.--Sermon on Nature.--Funeral Songs of
+     the Birds.--Their Flight and Return.--His Theory of
+     Government.--Sakoset.--The Indians.                                198
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI.
+
+     Some Account of John Smith.--Nicknames.--Progress of the
+     Age.--The Colonel's Opinion of Science.--John Smith's
+     Dream.--Ike Turtle's Dream.--Ike takes the Boots.                  206
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII.
+
+     Ike Turtle in his Office.--The Author consults him on Point
+     of Law.--Taxes of Non-Residents.--Law in Puddleford.--Mr.
+     Bridget's Case.--Legal Discussion.--The Case settled.              222
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII.
+
+     The Wilderness around Puddleford.--The Rivers and the
+     Forests.--Suggestions of Old Times.--Footprints of the
+     Jesuits.--Vine-covered Mounds.--Visit to the Forest.--The
+     Early Frost.--The Forest Clock.--The Woodland Harvest.--The
+     Last Flowers.--Nature sowing her Seed.--The Squirrel in the
+     Hickory.--Pigeons, their Ways and their Haunts.--The
+     Butterflies and the Bullfrog.--Nature and her Sermons.--Her
+     Temple still open, but the High-priest gone.                       230
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX.
+
+     The Old New England Home.--The Sheltered Village.--The
+     Ancient Buildings.--Dormer Windows.--An Old Puritanical
+     Home.--The Old Puritan Church.--The Burying-Ground.--Deacon
+     Smith, his Habits and his Helpers.--Major Simeon Giles, his
+     Mansion and his Ancestry.--Old Doctor Styles.--Crapo
+     Jackson, the Sexton.--"Training Days."--Militia
+     Dignitaries.--Major Boles.--Major General
+     Peabody.--Preparations and Achievements.--Demolition of an
+     Apple Cart.--"Shoulder Arms!"--Colonel Asher Peabody.--The
+     Boys, and their World.--My Last Look at my Native Village.         239
+
+
+CHAPTER XX.
+
+     First Militia Law in Puddleford.--Aunt Sonora opposed to
+     it.--Turtle sets her right.--Meeting to choose
+     Officers.--Longbow electioneers for Captain: takes the
+     Chair.--Turtle objects.--P'ints of Order.--_Vivy Vocy_ Vote
+     won't do.--Legally authorized Boxes must be had.--Longbow's
+     Speech.--Turtle fined for Contempt.--Longbow elected
+     Captain.--Great Military Turn-out.--Company turn a Circle;
+     Break down.--Turn an Angle; Break down again.--Address to
+     Troops.--Adjourn _sine die_.                                       256
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI.
+
+     Mrs. Bird gets in a Rage.--Starve a Child.--Mrs. Bird blows
+     off at Mrs. Beagle.--Takes Breath.--Blows off again.--Mrs.
+     Beagle gives a Piece of her Mind.--Aunt Sonora drops
+     in.--She has no Faith in Second Wives.--All adjourn to the
+     House of Mrs. Swipes.--General Fight of Tongues.--Mrs.
+     Swipes gives her Opinion.--A Dead Set by all upon Mrs.
+     Longbow.--Mrs. Longbow raps at the Door.--The Scene
+     changes.--Final Wind-up.                                           272
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII.
+
+     Appeal of Case Filkins _vs._ Beadle.--Turtle's Affidavit and
+     "P'ints."--Longbow's Return.--County Court.--Turtle opens
+     his Law "P'ints."--Bates replies.--A Fight.--Collateral
+     Ish-ers.--Squire Longbow present.--The Court sustains Squire
+     Longbow.--Turtle gets into a Passion.--Impanelling the
+     Jury.--Mr. Buzzlebaum leaves.--Mr. Tumbleton upsets
+     Ike.--Mr. Flummer is cut short bob off.--Ike opens to the
+     Jury.--The Trial.--Charge of the Court.--Jury retire.--Can't
+     agree.                                                             284
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII.
+
+     Amusements in Puddleford.--The Highland Fling.--A Fire-eater
+     comes next.--Runs a Sword down his Throat.--Starts his
+     Ribbon Factory.--Borrows Squire Longbow's Hat.--Boils Eggs
+     in it.--The Squire gets into a Passion.--The Grand Caravan
+     is posted.--Squire Longbow lectures on the Lion.--Bigelow
+     Van Slyck follows on the Ichneumon.--The Caravan
+     arrives.--Great Excitement.--Jim Buzzard still
+     himself.--Aunt Sonora in Trouble.--The Band blows away.--The
+     Canvas is raised.--Terrible Press of Puddlefordians.--The
+     Keeper shows up the Lion.--Explains why he has no Hair.--The
+     Ichneumon is found at last.--The Monkey Ride.--Breaking up.        309
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV.
+
+     The Tinkhams arrive.--Great Stir.--Miss Lavinia Longbow's
+     Head is turned.--Everybody in Love with the Tinkhams.--Wind
+     changes.--The Tinkhams fall.--The whole Pack out on
+     them.--They abandon the Settlement.                                337
+
+
+CHAPTER XXV.
+
+     And still New England.--Sui Generis.--Her Ruggedness the
+     Soil of Liberty.--The Contrast.--The New England
+     Conservative.--The New England Man of Business.--The West
+     has no Past.--_Fast_, and Hospitable.--Saxon Blood and Saxon
+     Spirit.                                                            346
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVI.
+
+     Spring at the West.--"Sugar Days."--Performances of the
+     Cattle.--April.--Advent of the Blue-Jays and the Crows.--The
+     Bluebirds, Phebes, and Robins.--April and its Inspiring
+     Days.--The Frogs and their Concerts.--Gophers, Squirrels,
+     Ants; Swallows, Brown-Threshers, and Blackbirds.--The
+     Swallows, the Martins, and the Advent of May.                      357
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVII.
+
+     A Railroad through Puddleford.--The Effect on Squire
+     Longbow.--Bright Prospects of Puddleford.--Change.--"The
+     Styleses."--The New Justice.--Aunt Sonora's Opinions.--Ike
+     Turtle grows too.--Venison disappears from among Men.--His
+     Grave and his Epitaph.                                             368
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII.
+
+     CONCLUSION.--The Philosophy of Puddleford.--Diverse Elements
+     in Pioneer Life.--Longbow and his Administration.--Not
+     Expensive.--Two Hundred a Year, all told.--What would Chief
+     Justice Marshall have done as Justice of
+     Puddleford?--Longbow a great Man.--Fame and Politics.--Ike,
+     a Wheel.--Puddleford Theology.--Camp-Meetings.--Who will do
+     Bigelow's Work better than Bigelow?--Great Happiness, and
+     few Nerves.--No "Society."--No Fashion in Clothes, or
+     anything else.--Bull's-Eye and Pinchbeck.--The Great Trade
+     didn't "Come Off."--Abounding Charity and
+     Hospitality.--Pilgrim Blood.--Longbow's.--Planting the
+     _Mud-Sills_.--Old Associations, how Controlling!--Good by,
+     Reader.                                                            372
+
+
+
+
+THE PUDDLEFORD PAPERS.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+     Puddleford.--Eagle Tavern.--Mr. and Mrs. Bulliphant.--May
+     Morning.--Birds.--Venison Styles.--General Character of
+     Society.--The Colonel.--Venison Styles' Cabin.
+
+
+The township of Puddleford was located in the far west, and was, and is,
+unknown, I presume, to a large portion of my readers. It has never been
+considered of sufficient importance by atlas-makers to be designated by
+them; and yet men, women, and children live and die in Puddleford. Its
+population helps make up the census of the United States every ten years;
+it helps make governors, congressmen, presidents. Puddleford does, and
+fails to do, a great many things, just like the "rest of mankind," and yet
+who knows and cares anything about Puddleford?
+
+Puddleford was well enough as a township of land, and beautiful was its
+scenery. It was spotted with bright, clear lakes, reflecting the trees that
+stooped over them; and straight through its centre flowed a majestic river,
+guarded by hills on either side. The village of Puddleford (there was a
+village of Puddleford, too) stood huddled in a gorge that opened up from
+the river; and through it, day and night, a little brook ran tinkling
+along, making music around the "settlement." The houses in Puddleford were
+very shabby indeed; I am very sorry to be compelled to make that fact
+public, but they were very shabby. Some were built of logs, and some of
+boards, and some were never exactly built at all, but came together through
+a combination of circumstances which the "oldest inhabitant" has never been
+able to explain. The log-houses were just like log-houses in every place
+else; for no person has yet been found with impudence enough to suggest an
+improvement. A pile of logs, laid up and packed in mud; a mammoth
+fireplace, with a chimney-throat as large; a lower story and a garret,
+connected in one corner by a ladder, called "Jacob's ladder," are its
+essentials. A few very ambitious persons in Puddleford had, it is true,
+attempted to build frame-houses, but there was never one entirely finished
+yet. Some of them had erected a frame only, when, their purses having
+failed, the enterprise was left at the mercy of the storms. Others had
+covered their frames; and one citizen, old Squire Longbow, had actually
+finished off two rooms; and this, in connection with the office of justice
+of the peace, gave him a standing and influence in the settlement almost
+omnipotent.
+
+The reader discovers, of course, that Puddleford was a very
+miscellaneous-looking place. It appeared unfinished, and ever likely to be.
+It did really seem that the houses, and cabins, and sheds, and pig-sties,
+had been sown up and down the gorge, as their owners sowed wheat. The only
+harmony about the place was the harmony of confusion.
+
+Puddleford had a population made up of all sorts of people, who had been,
+from a variety of causes, thrown together just there; and every person
+owned a number of dogs, so that it was very difficult to determine which
+were numerically the strongest, the inhabitants or the dogs. There were
+great droves of cows owned, too, which were in the habit of congregating
+every morning, and marching some miles to a distant marsh to feed to the
+jingle of the bells they wore on their necks.
+
+There was one public house at Puddleford. It was built of logs, with a long
+stoop running along its whole front, supported by trunks of trees roughly
+cut from the woods, and bark and knots were preserved in the full strength
+and simplicity of nature. Its bar-room was the resort of all the leading
+men of Puddleford, besides several ragged boys and these self-same dogs. It
+stood in the centre of the village, and announced itself to the public
+through a sign, upon which were painted a cock crowing and a spread eagle.
+The bar was fenced off in one corner of the room, and was supplied with
+three bottles of whiskey, called, according to their color, brandy, rum,
+and gin; but fly-tracks and dust had so completely covered them, that the
+kind of liquor was determined by the pledge of the landlord, that always
+passed current. There were also about a dozen mouldy crackers laid away on
+the shelf in a discarded cigar-box, intended more particularly for the
+travelling public. The walls of the bar-room were illuminated by a large
+menagerie advertisement, which was the only real display of the fine arts
+that ever entered the place. Upon a table, near the centre of the room,
+stood a backgammon and checker-board, which were in use from the rising
+sun to midnight. Pipes, crusted thick with soot, lay scattered about on the
+window-stools and chimney-shelf--old stubs that had seen service--and all
+over the floor rolled great quids of tobacco, ancient and modern, the
+creatures of yesterday and years ago; for the floor of the "Eagle
+Tavern"--such it was called--of Puddleford was never profaned by a broom,
+nor its windows with water. He who attempted to look out would have
+supposed there was an eternal fog in the streets.
+
+The ladies' parlor, belonging to the Eagle Tavern of Puddleford, was a very
+choice spot, and had been fitted up without regard to expense. Its floor
+was covered with a faded rag-carpet, and its walls were enlivened with a
+shilling print, showing forth Noah's Ark, and the animals entering therein.
+Any person who had an eye for the practical, could see just how Noah loaded
+his craft, as the picture brought out clearly a long plank thrown ashore,
+up which the animals were climbing. I have often thought that I never saw
+it rain so tremendously as it did in that picture. Near by hung a six-penny
+likeness of Washington, somewhat defaced, as some irreverent Puddleford boy
+had run his finger through the old general's eye, which detracted very much
+from the dignity of his expression. He looked rather funny with one eye
+cocked; and he felt, I presume--that is, if pictures can feel--just as
+funny as he looked.
+
+One advantage which the lodging-rooms of this tavern possessed ought not to
+be overlooked. They were lit up by the everlasting stars, and the tired
+traveller could go to sleep by the dancing rays that shot down through the
+crevices of the roof above.
+
+"Old Stub Bulliphant," as he was called, was, and had been for years,
+landlord of the "Eagle." He was about five feet high, and nearly as many in
+circumference. His eyes were of no particular color, although they were
+once. His eye-lashes had been scorched off by alcoholic fire; and nature,
+to keep up appearances, in a fit of desperation, substituted in their stead
+a binding of red, which looked like two little rainbows hanging upon a
+storm, for a rheumy water was continually running between them. His nose
+was very red, and his face was always in blossom, winter and summer. A pair
+of tow breeches and a red flannel shirt composed his wardrobe two thirds of
+the year. The truth is, the old fellow drank, and always drank, and he
+became, finally, preserved in spirits.
+
+Puddleford was not destitute of a church, not by any means. The
+"log-chapel," when I first became acquainted with the place, was an ancient
+building. It was erected at a period almost as early as the tavern--not
+quite--temporal wants pressing the early settlers closer than spiritual.
+
+This, precious reader, is a skeleton view of Puddleford, as it existed when
+I first knew it. Just out of this village, some time during the last ten
+years, I took possession of a large tract of land, called "Burr-oak
+Opening," that is, a wide, sweeping plain, thinly clad with burr-oaks. Few
+sights in nature are more beautiful. The eye roams over these parks
+unobstructed by undergrowth, the trees above, and the sleeping shadows on
+the grass below.
+
+The first time I looked upon this future home of mine, it lay calm and
+bright, bathed in the warm sun of a May morning, and filled with birds. The
+buds were just breaking into leaf, and the air was sweet with the wildwood
+fragrance of spring. Piles of mosses, soft as velvet, were scattered about.
+Wild violets, grouped in clusters, the white and red lupin, the mountain
+pink, and thousands of other tiny flowers, bright as sparks of fire,
+mingled in confusion. It was alive with birds; the brown thrasher, the
+robin, the blue-jay, poured forth their music to the very top of their
+lungs. The thrasher, with his brown dress and very quizzical look,
+absolutely revelled in a luxury of melody. He mocked all the birds about
+him. Now he was as good a blue-jay as blue-jay himself, and screamed as
+loud; but suddenly bouncing around on a limb, and slowly stretching out his
+wings, he died away in a most pathetic strain; then, darting into another
+tree, and turning his saucy eye inquisitively down, he rattled off a chorus
+or two, that I might know he was not so sad a fellow after all. Now, his
+soft, flute-like notes fairly melted in his throat; then he drew out a
+long, violin strain the whole length of his bow; then a blast on his
+trumpet roused all the birds. He was "everything by turns, and nothing
+long." After completing his performance, away he went, and his place, in a
+moment almost, was occupied by another, repeating the medley, for the whole
+wood was alive with them.
+
+Scores of blue-jays, in the tops of the trees, were picking away at the
+tender buds. The robin, that household bird, first loved by our children,
+was also here. Sitting alone and apart, in a reverie, and blowing
+occasionally his mellow pipe, he seemed to exist only for his own comfort,
+and to forget that he was one of the choristers of the wood. Woodpeckers
+were flitting hither and thither; troops of quails whistled in the
+distance; the oriole streamed out his bright light through the green
+branches; there was a winnowing of wings, a dashing of leaves, as birds
+came rushing in and out. It was their festival.
+
+This scene was heightened by the appearance of a hunter. He was a noble
+specimen of the physical man. Tall, brawny--a giant in strength--his form
+loomed up in the distance. He was attired with a red flannel "wamus," a
+leathern belt girt around his waist, deer-skin leggins and moccasons, and a
+white felt hat that ran up to a peak. His rifle and shot-pouch were slung
+around him, and a few fox-squirrels hung dangling on his belt. His whole
+figure exhibited a harmony of proportion, a majesty of combination,
+sometimes seen in Roman statues. As I approached him, his face fairly
+beamed with rustic intelligence and good nature, and the old man grasped me
+by the hand, and shook it as heartily as if he had known me a thousand
+years.
+
+"So you are the person," said Venison Styles,--for such I afterwards
+learned was the name he went by in the neighborhood,--"so you are the
+person that's come in here to settle, I s'pose--to cut down the trees and
+plough up this ere ground." I told him I was. "Well," said he, "so it goes;
+I have moved and moved, and I can't keep out of the way of these ploughs
+and axes. It was just as much as the deer, and beaver, and otter, _could_
+do, to stand them government surveyors that went tramping around among 'em,
+just as though they were going to be sold out wher-or-no. And then,"
+continued Styles, growing warmer, "they tried to form a thing they called a
+school _de_-strict about my ears; and then came a church, and they put a
+little bell on it, and that scart out the game. Game can't stand
+church-bells, stranger, they can't; they clears right out."
+
+I tried to soothe the old man's feelings, and among other things, advised
+him to give up his hunting and fishing, and settle down, and till the soil
+for a living.
+
+"What on airth does anybody want to till the soil for?" replied Styles.
+"What does the soil want _tilling_ for? Warn't the airth made right in the
+first place? The woods were filled with beast and bird, warn't they? and
+the whole face of natur covered with grass and wild fruits? and streams and
+lakes were scattered everywhere? Ain't there enough to eat, and drink, and
+wear, growing nat'ral in the woods? and what else does anybody want,
+stranger?"
+
+"Yes, but you are growing old, and your sight is dim, my friend," said I.
+
+"Old! dim! eyes bad! no! no! Venison Styles is good for twenty years yet. I
+don't take physic. There ain't no more use of taking such stuff, than there
+is of giving it to my dogs. 'Tain't nat'ral to take it, not no how. All a
+man wants in sickness is a little saxafax-tea, or something warmin' of that
+sort. Children are all spi'lt nowadays. Their heads and inards are crammed
+with physic and larning, and they ain't good for nothing. For my part, I
+hate physic, books, newspapers, and even the mail-carrier. None of my folks
+were troubled with larning; for, as near as I can tell, the old man (his
+father) died hunting game and furs down on the 'Hios, when it 'twas all
+woods there, and I never know'd of his writing or reading any."
+
+"Well, Venison," said I, "how long have you been around in these parts?"
+
+"Not mor-nor four or five years, or so about," answered Styles. "The game
+and I have kept running westard and westard, from civilization, as they
+call it, till I have travelled nigh on a thousand miles, or so. I used to
+hunt and trap way down on Erie, before them steamboats came a-snorting up,
+but when they came, they scart all the deer and everything out of the woods
+and streams; and then I left, too. This rifle," continued Styles, "this
+rifle has been along with me for forty years. I have eat and slept with it.
+I have worn out mor-nor twenty dogs--fairly _worn_ 'em out, and buried
+every one with a tear; and byme-by old Venison himself will go, but he is
+good on the track yet."
+
+I assented to much that was said by old Styles, and growing warmer the more
+interest I took in him, he rattled on about civilization--its effects, &c.,
+&c.; and, finally, looking into a tree, where a cluster of spring birds
+were singing, he turned to me, and pointing upward--"Do you hear that?" he
+exclaimed; "that music was made when the world was--them throats warn't
+tuned by any singing-master; they always keep in order. If men would only
+jist let natur alone, we could get along well enough. 'Tain't right to make
+any additions to natur. 'Tain't right to invent music, nor to mock the
+birds, nor cut down the woods, nor dam up the streams. It's all agin natur,
+the whole on't. The birds can't be improved on, and the streams and woods
+belong to the fish and game. They are their houses as much as my house is
+_my_ house. I always hated a saw-mill," continued Styles; "its very sound
+makes me mad. I never know'd a deer to stay within hearing of one. They
+roar away just as though they were going to tear down the whole forest,
+and pile it up into boards. I always try to keep out of their way." But I
+cannot give all the conversation of this eccentric genius of the forest,
+with me. He was one of a class of men who are hurried along by immigration,
+like clouds before the tempest. When the rays of improvement warmed Styles,
+he had pushed farther back into the shade. He was a connecting link between
+barbarism and civilization. One half of him was lit up with the light of
+the sturdy pioneers, who crowded in upon him from the east, and the other
+half stood dark and gloomy in savage solemnity. With all his antipathy to
+the society of the whites, he was their stanch friend, and in many ways was
+of great service. He became, as we shall see, one of my pleasantest
+companions, and I cannot help now declaring, that few men have taken such
+strong hold upon my affections as this same Venison Styles.
+
+The old man shouldered his rifle, and inviting me to "drop into his cabin,
+up the creek," bid me "good morning, stranger."
+
+Reader, such was the scene presented to my eye the day I first looked upon
+the piece of wild land upon which I finally settled and improved. I had
+just arrived from an eastern village, where I was born, and "brought up,"
+as the phrase is. A somewhat broken fortune and breaking health had driven
+me from it, with a moderate family, to seek a spot elsewhere; and I
+resolved to try the Great West, that paradise (if the word of people who
+never saw it is to be taken) where the surplus population of a portion of
+the world have found a home.
+
+The change was great. But great as it was, I resolved to endure it. So, at
+it I went. I procured "help," girdled the trees, put a breaking team of
+twelve yoke of cattle on the ground, tore it up, fenced the land, raised a
+log-house, and in the fall I had a crop of wheat growing, the withered oak
+trees standing guard over it. My family, consisting of a wife and three
+children, a boy of eight, and two girls of twelve and ten, were removed to
+their new quarters, and I had thus fairly begun the world again, and all
+things were as new about me as if I had just been born into it.
+
+During the summer, I had an opportunity of studying the general character
+of the inhabitants of Puddleford, and its surrounding country population.
+Like most western settlements, it was made up of all kinds of materials,
+all sorts of folks, holding every opinion. More than a dozen states had
+contributed to make up its people. Society was exceedingly miscellaneous.
+The keen Yankee, the obstinate Pennsylvanian, and the reckless Southerner
+were there. Each one of these persons had brought along with him his early
+habits and associations--his own views of business, law, and religion. When
+thrown together on public questions, this composition boiled up like a
+mixture of salts and soda. Factions, of course, were formed among those
+whose early education and habits were congenial; divisions were created,
+and a war of prejudice and opinion went on from month to month, and year to
+year. The New England Yankee stood about ten years ahead of the
+Pennsylvania German in all his ideas of progress, while the latter stood
+back, dogged and sullen, attached to the customs of his fathers. Another
+general feature consisted in this, that there was no permanency to society.
+The inhabitants were constantly changing, pouring out and in, like the
+waters of a river, so that a complete revolution took place every four or
+five years. Everybody who remained in Puddleford expected to remove
+somewhere else very soon. They were merely sojourners, not residents. There
+was no attachment to, or veneration for, the past of Puddleford, because
+Puddleford had no past. The ties of memory reached to older states. There
+stood the church that sheltered the infant years of Puddleford's
+population, and there swung the bell that tolled their fathers and fathers'
+fathers to the tomb. There was the long line of graves, running back a
+hundred years, where the sister of yesterday, and the ancestor whose
+virtues were only known through tradition, were buried. There tottered the
+old homestead which had passed through the family for generations, filled
+with heirlooms that had become sacred. The school-house was there, where
+the village boys shouted together. Looking back from a new country, where
+all is confusion, to an old one, where figures have the stability of a
+painting, objects which were once trivial start out upon the canvas in
+bolder relief. The venerable, gray-headed pastor, who appeared regularly in
+the village pulpit for half a century, to impart the word of life, rises in
+the memory, and stands fixed there, like a statue. The quaint cut of his
+coat, the neat tie of his neckcloth, the spectacles resting on the tip of
+his nose, his hums and haws, his eye of reproof, his gestures of vengeance,
+are now living things--are preaching still. We see again the changing
+crowd, that year after year went in and out of that holy place; the spot
+where the old deacon sat, his head resting on a pillar, his tranquil face
+turned upward, his mouth open, enjoying a doze as he listened to the
+sermon. We recollect the gay bridal, the solemn funeral, the buoyant face
+of the one, the still, cold one of the other. We even remember the lame old
+sexton, who rang the bell and went limping up to the burying-ground, with a
+spade upon his shoulder. Even _he_, of no consequence when seen every day,
+is transformed by distance, and mellowed by memory, into a real being. And
+then there are the hills, and streams, and waterfalls, that shed their
+music through our boyish souls, until they became a part of our very
+existence. No man ever lived who entirely forgot these things, suppressed
+though they might be by the cares and anxieties of maturer years. And no
+circumstance so likely to bring them all up, glowing afresh, as a removal
+to a new country. Of course, no one was attached to Puddleford, as a
+locality, any more than the wandering Arab is attached to the particular
+spot where he pitches his tent and feeds his camels.
+
+Another general feature seemed to be the _strange character_ of a large
+part of the population. Puddleford was filled with bankrupts, who had fled
+from their eastern creditors, anxious for peace of mind and bread enough to
+eat. Like decayed vessels, that had been tempest-tossed and finally
+condemned, these hulks seemed to be lying up in ordinary in the wilderness.
+Puddleford was to that class a kind of hospital. This man, upon inquiry, I
+found had rolled in luxury, but a turn in flour one day blew him sky-high.
+Another failed on a land speculation. Another bought more goods than he
+paid for. Another had been mixed up in a fraud. Another had been actually
+guilty of crime. The farming community were generally free from these
+charges; but Puddleford proper was not.
+
+The "Colonel," as we called him, was a fair specimen of the bankrupt class.
+He was one of those unfortunate beings who was well enough started in the
+world; but after having been tossed and buffeted around by his own
+extravagance, he was finally driven into the forest. He was educated,
+polished, proud, and poor. He had sunk two or three fortunes, earned by
+somebody else, chasing pleasure around the world. His reputation having
+become soiled, and his pockets emptied, he concluded--to use his own
+language--to "hide himself from his enemies and die a kind of civil death."
+"Men," said the Colonel, "are naturally robbers, and it is safer to run
+than fight with them." I have heard him declare, in a jocose way, that he
+was the most "injured man living; for the whole human family," he said,
+"set to and picked his pockets, and now the public ought to support him."
+He said, "he couldn't see why the government didn't pass laws for the
+relief of cases like his; for a government is good for nothing that fails
+to support its people. Starvation in a republic would be a disgrace, and
+ought not to be permitted." The Colonel said "there was no use in fighting
+destiny--no one man _can_ do it--and it was his destiny to be poor." He
+said he "had no place to remove to, and that he couldn't get there if he
+had;" that he was "like an old pump that needs a pail of water thrown in
+every time it is used to set it a-going."
+
+The Colonel resided in the village of Puddleford. His family was composed
+of a wife and two daughters, a couple of dashing girls, who looked like
+birds of fine plumage that had been driven by a storm beyond their
+latitude. His household furniture was made up of the fag-ends of this and
+that, which had somehow escaped a half a dozen sheriff's sales. His family
+wardrobe had been rescued in the same way, and contained all the fashions
+of the last twenty-five years. Here and there were scattered some plain
+articles of western manufacture, by way of contrast. Three shilling chairs
+stood on a faded Brussels carpet; an unpainted white-wood table supported a
+silver tea-set; thus, the faded splendor of the past contrasted with the
+rustic simplicity of the present. One thing I must not overlook: the
+Colonel had an old tattered carriage that had followed him through good and
+evil report, his ups and downs of life. I have often been amused to see it
+roll along with a melancholy air of superiority, putting on the face of a
+good man in affliction. It was drawn by two diminutive Indian ponies, who
+would turn and look wildly at the antiquated thing, as if apprehensive of
+danger.
+
+The Colonel kept an office, and pretended to act as a kind of land agent,
+and agent for insurance companies, and so on. He was never known to pay a
+debt; it being against his principles, as he used to say: besides, he said
+"his note would last a man ten times as long as the money; and they were
+not very uncurrent neither; for the justice of the peace at Puddleford had
+taken a very great many of them, and passed his judgment upon them for
+their full face."
+
+But I will not go into particulars with the Puddlefordians at present.
+During the summer my acquaintance with Venison Styles had ripened into a
+deeper affection for the old hunter. I accepted his invitation to visit
+him, and found him sheltered in the depths of the forest, and nestled in a
+valley, his hut, overshadowed by great trees, which were filled with birds
+pouring forth their songs. A little brook tinkled down the slope by his
+hut, singing all kinds of woodland tunes, as the breeze swelled and died
+along its banks. The squirrels were chatting their nonsense, and the
+rolling drum of the partridge was heard almost at his very door.
+
+Venison was a hunter, a fisher, and a trapper. The inside walls of his
+cabin were hung about with rifles, shot-guns, and fishing-rods, which had
+been accumulating for years. Deer-horns and skins lay scattered here and
+there, the trophies of the chase. Seines for lakes, and scoop-nets for
+smaller streams, were drying outside upon the trees.
+
+Venison kept around him a brood of lazy, lounging, good-for-nothing boys,
+of all ages, about half-clothed, who followed the business of their father.
+This young stock were growing up as he had grown, to occupy somewhere their
+father's position, and lead his life. They lived just as well as the
+hounds, for all stood on an equality in the family. These ragamuffins were
+perfect masters of natural history. There was not an instinct or
+peculiarity belonging to the denizens of the woods and streams which they
+did not perfectly understand. They seemed to have penetrated the secrecy of
+animal life, and fathomed it throughout. Birds, and beasts, and fish were
+completely within their power; and there was a kind of matter-of-course
+success with them in their capture that was absolutely provoking to a
+civilized hunter.
+
+It was of no importance where Venison Styles' boys made their home, or
+under what particular roof. Their home was mainly a depot for their
+fishing-tackles, guns, and game. They roamed away weeks at a time, fifty
+miles off, up this stream and that, over many a lake, and camped out
+nights, feeding upon their plunder; and Venison felt no more concern about
+them than he did about the deer, who indeed were not much wilder than they.
+They were as hard as flints, sharp on the chase, happy in their wild,
+wayward-life, and generally managed to trap and kill just enough to be
+self-supporting, and keep soul and body together.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+     Lawsuit: Filkins against Beadle.--Squire Longbow and his
+     Court.--Puddleford assembled.--Why Squire Longbow was a
+     Great Man.--Ike Turtle and Sile Bates, Pettifoggers.--Mrs.
+     Sonora Brown.--Uproar and Legal Opinions.--Seth
+     Bolles.--Miss Eunice Grimes.--Argument to Jury, and Verdict.
+
+
+My intercourse with the inhabitants of Puddleford had been frequent during
+the summer, and my acquaintance with them had now become quite general. One
+morning, in the month of September, I was visited by a constable, who very
+authoritatively served upon me a venire, which commanded me to be and
+appear before Jonathan Longbow, at his office in the village of Puddleford,
+at one o'clock P. M., to serve as a juryman in a case, then and there to be
+tried, between Philista Filkins, plaintiff, and Charity Beadle, defendant,
+in an action of slander, etc. The constable remarked, after reading this
+threatening legal epistle to me, that I had better "be up to time, as
+Squire Longbow was a man who would not be trifled with," and then leisurely
+folding it up, and pushing it deep down in his vest-pocket, he mounted his
+horse, and hurried away in pursuit of the balance of the panel. Of course,
+I could not think of being guilty of a contempt of court, after having been
+so solemnly warned of the consequences, and I was therefore promptly on the
+spot, according to command.
+
+Squire Longbow held his court at the public house, in a room adjoining the
+bar-room, because the statute prohibited his holding it in the bar-room
+itself. He was a law-abiding man, and would not violate a statute. I found,
+on my arrival, that the whole country, for miles around, had assembled to
+hear this interesting case. Men, women, and children had turned out, and
+made a perfect holiday of it. All were attired in their best. The men were
+dressed in every kind of fashion, or, rather, all the fashions of the last
+twenty years were scattered through the crowd. Small-crown, steeple-crown,
+low-crown, wide-brim, and narrow-brim hats; wide-tail, stub-tail, and
+swallow-tail, high-collar, and low-collar coats; bagging and shrunken
+breeches; every size and shape of shirt-collar were there, all brought in
+by the settlers when they immigrated. The women had attempted to ape the
+fashions of the past. Some of them had mounted a "bustle" about the size of
+a bag of bran, and were waddling along under their load with great
+satisfaction. Some of the less ambitious were reduced to a mere bunch of
+calico. One man, I noticed, carried upon his head an old-fashioned,
+bell-crowned hat, with a half-inch brim, a shirt-collar running up tight
+under his ears, tight enough to lift him from the ground (this ran out in
+front of his face to a peak, serving as a kind of cutwater to his nose), a
+faded blue coat of the genuine swallow-tail breed, a pair of narrow-fall
+breeches that had passed so often through the wash-tub, and were so
+shrunken, that they appeared to have been strained on over his limbs: this
+individual, reader, was walking about, with his hands in his pockets,
+perfectly satisfied, whistling Yankee Doodle, and other patriotic airs.
+Most of the women had something frizzled around their shoes, which were
+called pantalets, giving their extremities the appearance of the legs of so
+many bantam hens.
+
+The men were amusing themselves pitching coppers and quoits, running
+horses, and betting upon the result of the trial to come off, as every one
+was expected to form some opinion of the merits of the case.
+
+The landlord of the Eagle was of course very busy. He bustled about, here
+and there, making the necessary preparations. Several pigs and chickens had
+gone the way of all flesh, and were baking and stewing for the table. About
+once a quarter "Old Stub" "moistened his clay," as he called it, with a
+little "rye," so as to "keep his blood a-stirring." _Mrs._ "Stub
+Bulliphant" was busy too. _She_ was a perfect whirlwind; her temper was
+made of tartaric acid. Her voice might be heard above the confusion around
+giving directions to one, and a "piece of her mind" to another. She _was_
+the landlady of the Eagle beyond all doubt, and no one else. Better die
+than doubt that.
+
+"Bulliphant!" screamed she, at the top of her lungs, "Bulliphant, you great
+lout, you! what in the name of massy sakes are you about? No fire! no wood!
+no water in! How, in all created natur, do you s'pose a woman can get
+dinner? Furi_a_tion alive, why don't you speak? Sally Ann! I say, Sally
+_Ann_! come right here this minute! Go down cellar, and get a jug of
+butter, some milk, and then--I say, Sally Ann!--do you hear me, Sally
+Ann?--go out to the barn and--run! run! you careless hussy, to the stove!
+the pot's boiling over!"
+
+And so the old woman's tongue ran on hour after hour.
+
+At a little past one, the court was convened. A board placed upon two
+barrels across the corner of the room, constituted the desk of Squire
+Longbow, behind which his honor's solitary dignity was caged. Pettifoggers
+and spectators sat outside. This was very proper, as Squire Longbow was a
+great man, and some mark of distinction was due. Permit me to describe him.
+He was a little, pot-bellied person, with a round face, bald head, swelled
+nose, and had only one eye, the remains of the other being concealed with a
+green shade. He carried a dignity about him that was really oppressive to
+by-standers. He was the "end of the law" in Puddleford; and no man could
+sustain a reputation who presumed to appeal from his decisions. He settled
+accounts, difficulties of all sorts, and even established land-titles; but
+of all things, he prided himself upon his knowledge of constitutional
+questions. The Squire always maintained that hard drinking was "agin" the
+Constitution of the United States, "and so," he said, "Judge Story once
+informed him by letter when he applied to him for aid in solving this
+question." "There is no such thing as slander," the Squire used to say,
+"and so he had always decided, as every person who lied about another, knew
+he ought not to be believed, because he _was_ lying, and therefore the
+'_quar-animer_,' as the books say, is wanting." (This looked rather bad for
+"Filkins's" case.) Sometimes Squire Longbow rendered judgments, sometimes
+decrees, and sometimes he divided the cause between both parties. The
+Squire said he "never could submit to the letter of the law; it was agin'
+personal liberty; and so Judge Story decided." "Pre-_ce_-dents", as they
+were called, he wouldn't mind, not even his own; because then there
+wouldn't be any room left for a man to change his mind. "If," said the
+Squire, "for instance, I fine Pet. Sykes to-day for knocking down Job
+Bluff, that is no reason why I should fine Job Bluff to-morrow for knocking
+down Pet. Sykes, because they are entirely different persons. Human natur'
+ain't the same." "Contempt of court," the Squire often declared, "was the
+worst of all offences. He didn't care so much about what might be said
+agin' Jonathan Longbow, but _Squire_ Longbow, Justice of the Peace, must
+and should be protected;" and it was upon this principle that he fined
+Phil. Beardsley ten dollars for contradicting him in the street.
+
+"Generally," the Squire says, "he renders judgment for the plaintiff,"
+because he never issues a process without hearing his story, and
+determining the merits. "And don't the plaintiff know more about his rights
+than all the witnesses in the world?" "And even where he has a jury," the
+Squire says, "that it is his duty to apply the law to the facts, and the
+facts to the law, so that they may avoid any illegal verdict."
+
+The court, as I said, was convened. The Squire took his seat, opened his
+docket, and lit his pipe. He then called the parties:--
+
+"Philista Filkins!" "Charity Beadle!"
+
+"Here," cried a backwoods pettifogger, "I'm for Philista Filkins; am always
+on hand at the tap of the drum, like a thousand of brick."
+
+This man was a character; a pure specimen of a live western pettifogger. He
+was called Ike Turtle. He was of the snapping-turtle breed. He wore a white
+wool-hat; a bandana cotton-handkerchief around his neck; a horse-blanket
+vest, with large horn-buttons; and corduroy pantaloons; and he carried a
+bull's-eye watch, from which swung four or five chains across his breast.
+
+"Who answers for Charity Beadle?" continued the Squire.
+
+"I answer for myself," squeaked out Charity; "I hain't got any counsel,
+'cause he's on the jury."
+
+"On the jury, ha! Your counsel's on the jury! Sile Bates, I suppose.
+Counsel is guaranteed by the Constitution--it's a personal right--let Sile
+act as your counsel, then."
+
+And so Sile stepped out in the capacity of counsel.
+
+"Charity Beadle!" exclaimed the Squire, drawing out his pipe and laying it
+on his desk, "stand up and raise your right hand!"
+
+Charity arose.
+
+"You are charged with slandering Philista Filkins, with saying, 'She warn't
+no better than she ought to be;' and if you were believed when you said so,
+it is my duty, as a peace-officer, to say to you that you have been guilty
+of a high offence, and may the Lord have mercy on your soul. What do you
+say?"
+
+"Not guilty, Squire Longbow, by an eternal sight, and told the truth, if we
+are," replied Bates. "Besides, we plead a set-off."
+
+"I say 'tis false! you are!" cried Philista, at the top of her lungs.
+
+"Silence!" roared Longbow; "the dignity of this court shall be preserved."
+
+"Easy, Squire, a little easy," grumbled a voice in the crowd, proceeding
+from one of Philista's friends; "never speak to a woman in a passion."
+
+"I fine that man one dollar for contempt of court, who_ever_ he is!"
+exclaimed the Squire, as he stood upon tiptoe, trying to catch the offender
+with his eye.
+
+"I guess 'twarn't nothing but the wind," said Bates.
+
+The Squire took his seat, put his pipe in his mouth, and blew out a long
+whiff of smoke.
+
+"Order being restored, let the case now proceed," he exclaimed.
+
+Ike opened his case to the jury. He said Philista Filkins was a maiden lady
+of about forty; some called her an _old_ maid, but that warn't so, not by
+several years; her teeth were as sound as a nut, and her hair as black as a
+crow. She was a nurse, and had probably given more lobelia, pennyroyal,
+catnip, and other roots and herbs, to the people of Puddleford, than all
+the rest of the women in it. Of course she was a kind of _peramrulary_
+being. (The Squire here informed the jury that _peramrulary_ was a legal
+word, which he would fully explain in his charge.) That is, she was obliged
+to be out a great deal, night and day, and in consequence thereof, Charity
+Beadle had slandered her, and completely ruined her reputation, and broken
+up her business to the damage of ten dollars.
+
+Bates told the court that he had "no jurisdiction in an action of slander."
+
+Longbow advised Bates not to repeat the remark, as "that was a kind of
+contempt."
+
+Some time had elapsed in settling preliminaries, and at last the cause was
+ready.
+
+"We call Sonora Brown!" roared out Ike, at the top of his lungs.
+
+"No, you don't," replied the Squire. "This court is adjourned for fifteen
+minutes; all who need refreshment will find it at the bar in the next room;
+but don't bring it in here; it might be agin' the statute."
+
+And so the court adjourned for fifteen minutes.
+
+There was a rush to the bar-room, and old Stub Bulliphant rolled around
+among his whiskey bottles like a ship in a storm. Almost every person drank
+some, judging from the remarks, "to wet their whistle;" others, "to keep
+their stomach easy;" some "to Filkins;" others, "to Beadle," etc., etc.
+
+Court was at last convened again.
+
+"Sonora Brown!" roared Ike again.
+
+"Object!" exclaimed Sile; "no witness; hain't lived six months in the
+state."
+
+Squire Longbow slowly drew his pipe from his mouth, and fixed his eyes on
+the floor in deep thought for several minutes.
+
+"Hain't lived six months in the state," repeated he, at last; "ain't no
+resident, of course, under our Constitution."
+
+"And how, in all created airth, would you punish such a person for perjury?
+I should just like to know," continued Sile, taking courage from the
+Squire's perplexed state of mind; "our laws don't bind residents of other
+states."
+
+"But it isn't certain Mrs. Brown will lie, because she is a non-resident,"
+added the Squire, cheering up a little.
+
+"Well, very well, then," said Sile, ramming both hands into his
+breeches-pocket very philosophically; "go ahead, if you wish, subject to my
+objection. I'll just appeal, and blow this court into fiddle-strings! This
+cause won't breathe three times in the circuit! We won't be rode over; we
+know our rights, I just kinder rather think."
+
+"Go it, Sile!" cried a voice from the crowd; "stand up for your rights, if
+you bust!"
+
+"Silence!" exclaimed Squire Longbow.
+
+Ike had sat very quietly, inasmuch as the Squire had been leaning in his
+favor; but Sile's last remark somewhat intimidated his honor.
+
+"May it please your honor," said Ike, rising, "we claim there is no proof
+of Mrs. Brown's residency; your honor hain't got nothing but Sile Bates's
+say so, and what's that good for in a court of justice? I wouldn't believe
+him as far as you could swing a cat by the tail."
+
+"I'm with you on that," cried another voice.
+
+"Silence! put that man out!" roared Longbow again.
+
+But just as Ike was sitting down, an inkstand was hurled at him by Sile,
+which struck him on his shoulder, and scattered its contents over the
+crowd. Several missiles flew back and forth; the Squire leaped over his
+table, crying out at the top of his lungs,--
+
+"In the name of the people of the State of ----, I, Jonathan Longbow,
+Justice of the Peace, duly elected and qualified, do command you."
+
+When, at last, order was restored, the counsel took their seats, and the
+Squire retired into his box again.
+
+[Illustration: THE JUSTICE'S COURT OF PUDDLEFORD.
+
+The testimony of Sonora Brown, the witness who "didn't know anything worth
+tellin' on:" and who "warn't used to lawsuits, and didn't know how to
+swear."--Page 42.]
+
+Sonora Brown was then called for the third time. She was an old lady, with
+a pinched-up black bonnet, a very wide ruffle to her cap, through which the
+gray hairs strayed. She sighed frequently and heavily. She said she didn't
+know as she knew "anything worth telling on." She didn't know "anything
+about lawsuits, and didn't know how to swear." After running on with a long
+preliminary about herself, growing warmer and warmer, the old lady came to
+the case under much excitement. She said "she never did see such works in
+all her born days. Just because Charity Beadle said 'Philista Filkins
+warn't no better than she ought to be,' there was _such_ a hullabalu and
+kick-up, enough to set all natur crazy!"
+
+"Why la! sus me!" continued she, turning round to the Squire, "do _you_
+think this such a dre'ful thing, that all the whole town has got to be set
+together by the ears about it? Mude-_ra_-tion! what a humdrum and flurry!"
+
+And then the old lady stopped and took a pinch of snuff, and pushed it up
+very hard and quick into her nose.
+
+Ike requested Mrs. Brown not to talk so fast, and only answer such
+questions as he put to her.
+
+"Well, now, that's nice," she continued. "Warn't I sworn, or was't you? and
+to tell the truth, too, and the _whole_ truth. I warn't sworn to answer
+your questions. Why, maybe, you don't know, Mr. Pettifogger, that there are
+folks in state's prison _now_ for lying in a court of justice?"
+
+Squire Longbow interfered, and stated that "he must say that things were
+going on very 'promis'cusly,' quite agin the peace and dignity of the
+state."
+
+"Just so I think myself," added Mrs. Brown. "This place is like a
+town-meeting, for all the world."
+
+"Mrs. So-_no_-ra Brown!" exclaimed Ike, rising on his feet, a little
+enraged, "do you know anything about what Charity Beadle said about
+Philista Filkins? Answer _this_ question."
+
+"Whew! fiddle-de-dee! highty-tighty! so you have really broke loose, Mr.
+Pettifogger," for now the old lady's temper _was_ up. "Why, didn't you know
+I was old enough to be your grandmother? Why, my boy," continued she,
+hurrying on her spectacles, and taking a long look at Ike, "I know'd your
+mother when she made cakes and pies down in the _Jar_seys; and _you_ when
+you warn't more than _so_ high;" and she measured about two feet high from
+the floor. "You want me to _answer_, do you? I told you all I know'd about
+it; and if you want anything more, I guess you'll have to get it, that's
+all;" and, jumping up, she left the witness-stand, and disappeared in the
+crowd.
+
+"I demand an attachment for Sonora Brown!" roared out Ike, "an absconding
+witness!"
+
+"Can't do it," replied the Squire; "it's agin the Constitution to deprive
+anybody of their liberty an unreasonable length of time. This witness has
+been confined here by process of law morn-a-nour. Can't do it! Be guilty of
+trespass! Must stick to the Constitution. Call your next witness."
+
+Ike swore. The Squire fined him one dollar. He swore again. The Squire
+fined him another. The faster the Squire fined, the faster the oaths rolled
+out of Ike's mouth, until the Squire had entered ten dollars against him.
+Ike swore again, and the Squire was about to record the _eleventh_ dollar,
+but Ike checked him.
+
+"Hold on! hold on! you _old reprobate_! now I've got you! now you are
+mine!" exclaimed he. "You are up to the limit of the law! You cannot
+inflict only ten dollars in fines in any one case! Now stand and take it!"
+
+And such a volley of oaths, cant phrases, humor, wrath, sarcasm, and fun,
+sometimes addressed to the Squire, sometimes to the audience, and sometimes
+to his client, never rolled out of any other man's mouth since the flood.
+He commenced with the history of the Squire, when, as he said, "he was _a_
+rafting lumber down on the Susque_hanna_;" and he followed him up from that
+time. "He _could_ tell the reason why he came west, but wouldn't." He
+commented on his personal appearance, and his capacity for the office of
+justice. He told him "he hadn't only one eye, any way, and he couldn't be
+expected to see a great way into a mill-stone; and he didn't believe he had
+as many brains as an 'ister. For his part, _he_ knew the law; he had
+ransacked every part of the statute, as a glutton would Noah's Ark for the
+remnant of an eel; he had digested it from Dan to Beersheba; swallowed
+everything but the title-page and cover, and would have swallowed that if
+he warn't mortal; he was a living, moving law himself; when he said 'law
+_was_ law, _'twas_ law;' better 'peal anything up from predestination than
+from his opinion! he would follow this case to the backside of sundown for
+his rights!"
+
+During all this time there was a complete uproar. Philista's friends
+cheered and hurrahed; the dogs in the room set up their barking; Beadle's
+friends groaned, and squealed, and bellowed, and whimpered, and imitated
+all the domestic animals of the day, while the Squire was trying at the top
+of his lungs to compel the constable to commit Ike for contempt.
+
+Ike closed and sat down. The Squire called for the constable, but he was
+not to be found. One man told him that "he was in the next room pitching
+coppers;" another, that the last time he saw him "he was running very
+fast;" another, that "he rather guessed he'd be back some time another, if
+he ever was, because he was a sworn officer;" another asked the Squire
+"what he'd give to have him _catched_?" but no constable appeared; he had
+put himself out the way to escape the storm.
+
+A long silence followed this outburst; not a word was said, and scarcely a
+noise heard. Every one was eagerly looking at the Squire for his next
+movement. Ike kept his eyes on the floor, apparently in a deep study. At
+last he arose.
+
+"Squire," said he, "we've been under something of a press of steam for the
+last half 'our; I move we adjourn fifteen minutes for a drink."
+
+"Done," answered the Squire; and so the court adjourned for a second time.
+
+It was now nearly dark, when the court convened again. The trial of the
+cause, Filkins _vs._ Beadle, was resumed.
+
+Seth Bolles was called. Seth was a broad-backed, double-fisted fellow, with
+a blazing red face, and he chewed tobacco continually. He was about two
+thirds "over the bay," and didn't care for all the Filkinses or Beadles in
+the world.
+
+"Know Filkins and Beadle?" inquired Ike.
+
+"Know 'em? thunder, yes."
+
+"How long?"
+
+"Ever sin' the year one."
+
+"Ever heard Beadle say anything about Filkins?"
+
+"Heard her say she thought she run'd too much arter Elik Timberlake."
+
+"Anything, Seth, about Filkins' character?"
+
+"Now what do you 'spose I know about Filkins' character? Much as I can do
+to look arter my own wimmin."
+
+"But have you heard _Beadle say_ anything about Filkins' character?"
+
+"Heard her say once she was a good enough-er-sort-a body when she was
+a-mind-er-be."
+
+"Anything else?"
+
+"Shan't answer; hain't had my regular fees paid as witness."
+
+Squire Longbow informed Seth that he must answer.
+
+"Shan't do it, not so long as my name is Bolles."
+
+The Squire said he would commit him.
+
+"W-h-e-w!" drawled out Bolles, stooping down, and putting his arms a-kimbo,
+as he gave the Squire a long look straight in the eye.
+
+"Order! order!" exclaimed the Squire.
+
+"Whew! whew! whew _uo-uo-uo_! who's afraid of a justice of the peace?"
+screamed Seth, jumping up about a foot, and squirting out a gill of
+tobacco-juice, as he struck the floor.
+
+Seth's fees were paid him, at last, and the question was again put, if he
+heard "Beadle say anything else?" and he said "_he never did_;" and thus
+ended Seth's testimony.
+
+Miss Eunice Grimes was next called. She came sailing forward, and threw
+herself into the chair with a kind of jerk. She took a few sidelong glances
+at Charity Beadle, which told, plainly enough, that she meant to make a
+finish of her in about five minutes. She was a vinegar-faced old maid, and
+her head kept bobbing, and her body kept hitching, and now she pulled her
+bonnet this way, and now that. She finally went out of the fretting into
+the languishing mood, and declared she "_should_ die if somebody didn't get
+her a glass of water."
+
+When she became composed, Ike inquired if "she knew Charity Beadle?"
+
+"Yes! I know her to be an orful critter!"
+
+"What has she done?"
+
+"What hain't she? She's lied about me, and about Elder Dobbin's folks, and
+said how that when the singing-master boarded at our house, she seed lights
+in the sitting-room till past three--the orful critter!"
+
+"But what have you heard her say about Philista Filkins?"
+
+"O! everything that's bad. She don't never say anything that's good 'bout
+nobody. She's allers talking. There ain't nobody in the settlement she
+hain't slandered. She even abused old Deacon Snipes' horse--the orful
+critter!"
+
+"But what did she say about _Philista Filkins_?" repeated Ike again.
+
+"What do you want me to say she said? I hain't got any doubt she's called
+her everything she could think on. Didn't she, Philist_y_?" she continued,
+turning her head towards the plaintiff.
+
+Philista nodded.
+
+"Did she say she warn't no better than she ought to be?"
+
+"Did she? well, she did, and that very few people were."
+
+"Stop! stop!" exclaimed Ike, "you talk too fast! I guess she didn't say
+_all_ that."
+
+"She did, for Philista told me so; and she wouldn't lie for the whole race
+of Beadles."
+
+Squire Longbow thought Eunice had better retire, as she didn't seem to know
+much about the case.
+
+She said she knew as much about it as anybody; she want "going to be
+abused, trod upon; and no man was a man that would insult a poor woman;"
+and bursting into tears of rage, she twitched out of her chair, and went
+sobbing away.
+
+Philista closed, and Sile stated, in his opening to the court on the part
+of the defence, that this was a "_little_ the smallest case he ever _had_
+seen." His client stood out high and dry; she stood up like Andes looking
+down on a potato-hill; he didn't propose to offer scarcely any proof; and
+that little was by way of set-off--tongue against tongue--according to the
+statute in such case made and provided; he hoped the court would examine
+the law for himself. (Here Sile unrolled a long account against Philista,
+measuring some three feet, and held it up to the Squire and jury.) This, he
+said, was a reg'lar statement of the slanderous words used by Philista
+Filkins agin Charity Beadle for the last three years, with the damage
+annexed; everything had been itemized, and kept in tip-top style; all in
+black and white, just as it happened. Sile was about reading this
+formidable instrument, when Ike objected.
+
+"That can't be _did_ in this 'ere court!" exclaimed Ike; "the light of
+civilization has shed itself a little _too_ thick for _that_. This court
+might just as well try to swallow a chestnut-burr, or a cat, tail foremost,
+as to get such a proposition a-down its throat."
+
+Squire Longbow said he'd "never heer'd of such law--yet the question was
+new to him."
+
+"Laid down in all the law-books of the nineteenth century!" exclaimed Sile,
+"and never heard on't!"
+
+"Never did."
+
+"Why," continued Sile, "the statute allows set-off where it is of the same
+natur of the action. This, you see, is slander agin slander."
+
+"True," replied the Squire.
+
+"True, did you say!" exclaimed Ike. "_You_ say the statute _does_ allow
+slander to be set off; _our_ statute--that statute that I learned by heart
+before I knew my A B C's--you old bass-wood headed son--" But the Squire
+stopped Ike just at this time. "We will decide the question first," he
+said. "The court have made no decision yet."
+
+Squire Longbow was in trouble. He smoked furiously. He examined the
+statutes, looked over his docket, but he did not seem to get any light.
+Finally, a lucky thought struck him. He saw old Mr. Brown in the crowd, who
+had the reputation of having once been a justice in the State of New York.
+The Squire arose and beckoned to him, and both retired to an adjoining
+room. After about a half an hour, the Squire returned and took his seat,
+and delivered his opinion. Here it is:--
+
+"After an examination of all the p'ints both for and agin the 'lowing of
+the set-off, in which the court didn't leave no stone unturned to get at
+justice, having ransacked some half a dozen books from eend to eend, and
+noted down everything that anywise bore on the subject; recollecting, as
+the court well doz, what the great Story, who's now dead and gone, done and
+writ 'bout this very thing (for we must be 'lowed to inform this 'sembly
+that we read Story in our juvenil' years); having done this, and refreshing
+_our_ minds with the testimony, and keeping in our eye the rights of
+parties--right-er liberty, and right-er speech, back'ards and for'ards--for
+I've as good a right to talk agin you, as you have to talk agin
+me--knowing, as the court doz, how much blood has been shed 'cause folks
+wern't 'lowed to talk as much as they pleased, making all natur groan, the
+court is of the opinion that the set-off must be let in; and such is also
+Squire Brown's opinion, and nobody will contradict that, _I know_."
+
+"Je-_hos_-a-phat!" groaned out Ike, drawing one of his very longest
+breaths. "The _great_ Je-_mi_-ma Wilkinson! and so that _is_ law, arter
+all! There's my hat, Squire," Ike continued, as he arose and reached it out
+to him; "and you shall have my _gallusses_ as soon as I can get at 'em."
+
+The Squire said "the dignity of the court must be preserved."
+
+"Of course it must! of course it must!" replied Ike, who was growing very
+philosophical over the opinion of the Squire; "there ain't no friction on
+my gudgeons _now_; I always gins in to reg'lar opinions, delivered upon
+consideration; I was just thinking, though, Squire, that as their bill is
+so much the longest, and as the parties are both here, Charity had better
+let her tongue loose upon my client, and take out the balance on the spot."
+
+The Squire said "the cause must go on." Sile read his set-off, made up of
+slanderous words alleged to have been used; damages fifty dollars; and
+calling Charity herself, upon the principle, as he said, "that it was a
+book-account, and her books were evidence; and her books having been lost,
+the paper which he held, and which was a true copy--_for he made it out
+himself_--was the next best evidence; all of which Charity would swear to
+straight along."
+
+The court admitted Charity, and she swore the set-off through, and some
+fifty dollars more; and she was going on horse-race speed, when Sile
+stopped her "before," as he told her, "she swore the cause beyond the
+jurisdiction of a magistrate."
+
+Here the evidence closed. Midnight had set in, and the cause was yet to be
+summed up.
+
+The court informed Ike and Sile that they were limited to half an hour
+each.
+
+Ike opened the argument, and _such_ an opening, and _such_ an argument! It
+will not be expected that I can repeat it. There never lived a man who
+could. It covered all things mortal and immortal. Genius, and sense, and
+nonsense; wit, humor, pathos, venom, and vulgarity, were all piled up
+together, and belched forth upon the jury. He talked about the case, the
+court, the jury, his client, the history of the world, and Puddleford in
+particular. "The slander was admitted," he declared, "because the defendant
+had tried to set off something _agin_ it; and if his client didn't get a
+judgment, he'd make a rattling among the dry bones of the law, that would
+rouse the dead of '76!" He was "fifty feet front, and rear to the river;"
+"had seen great changes en the t'restial globe;" "know'd all the sciences
+from Neb-u-_cud_-nezzar down;" "know'd law--'twas the milk of his
+existence." As to the court's opinion about the set-off, "his head was
+chock full of cobwebs or bumble-bees, he didn't know which;" "his judgment
+warn't hardly safe on a common note er-hand;" "he'd no doubt but that three
+jist such cases would run him stark mad;" "Natur was sorry she'd ever had
+anything to do with him; and he'd himself been sorry ever since; and as for
+ed'cation, he warn't up to the school-marm, for she _could_ read;" "the
+jury had better give him a verdict if they didn't want the nightmare." And
+thus he was running on, when his half hour expired, but he could not be
+stopped--as well stop a tornado. So Sile arose, and commenced his argument
+for the defendant; and at it both labored, Ike for plaintiff, Sile for
+defendant, until the court swore a constable, and ordered the jury to
+retire with him, the argument still going on; and thus the jury left the
+room, Ike and Sile following them up, laying down the law and the fact; and
+the last thing I observed just before the door closed, was Ike's arm run
+through it at us, going through a variety of gestures, his expiring effort
+in behalf of his client.
+
+After a long deliberation among the jurors, during which almost everything
+was discussed but the evidence, it was announced by our foreman, on "coming
+in," that "we could not agree, four on 'em being for fifty dollars for the
+defendant 'cording to law, and one on 'em for no cause of action (myself),
+and he stood out, 'cause he was a-feared, or wanted to be pop'lar with
+somebody."
+
+And thus ended the trial between Filkins and Beadle.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+     Wanderings in the Wilderness.--A Bee-Hunt.--Sunrise.--The
+     Fox-Squirrel.--The Blue-Jay.--The Gopher.--The
+     Partridges.--Wild Geese, Ducks, and Cranes.--Blackbirds and
+     Meadow-Larks.--Venison's Account of the Bees' Domestic
+     Economy.--How Venison found what he was in Search of.--Honey
+     Secured.--After Reflections.
+
+
+Venison Styles and myself, as I have stated, had now become intimate.
+Together we scoured the woods and streams, in pursuit of fish and game.
+There was a kind of rustic poetry about the old man that fascinated my
+soul. His thoughts and feelings had been drawn from nature, and there was a
+strange freshness and life about everything he said and did. He was as firm
+and fiery as a flint; and the sparks struck out of him were as beautiful.
+Winds and storms, morn's early dawn, the hush of evening, the seasons and
+all their changes, had become a part of him--they had moulded and kept him.
+They played upon him like a breeze upon a harp. How could I help loving
+him?
+
+Before daybreak, one morning in October, Venison, myself, his honey-box,
+and axes, set out "a bee-hunting," as he called it. It was in the beautiful
+and inspiring season of Indian summer, a season that lingers long and
+lovely over the forests of the west. There had been a hard, black frost
+during the night, and the great red sun rose upon it, shrouded in smoke.
+We were soon deep in the heart of the wilderness, tramping over the fallen
+leaves, and pushing forward to where the "bees were thick a-workin',"
+according to Venison.
+
+As the sun rose higher and higher, the leaves began, all around, to thaw,
+and detach themselves from the trees, and silently settle to the ground.
+There stood the yellow walnut, the blood-red maple, side by side with the
+green pine and the spruce. Ten thousand rainbows were interlaced through
+the tops of the trees, and now and then a sharp peak shot up its pile of
+mosaic into the sky.
+
+Not a sound was heard around us till morning's dawn. The tranquillity was
+oppressive. The mighty wilderness was asleep. Everything felt as fixed and
+awful as eternity. The vast extent of the wooded waste, reaching thousands
+of miles beyond, on, and on, and _on_, filled with mountains, lakes, and
+streams, lying in solitary grandeur, as unchanged as on the day the
+Pyramids were finished, overwhelmed the imagination. And then the future
+arose upon the mind, when all this will be busy with life--when the present
+will be history, referred to, but not remembered--when the present
+population of the globe will have been swept from the face of it, and
+another generation in our place, playing with the toys that so long amused,
+and which we, at last, left behind us.
+
+But as day dawned, and morning began to throw in her arrows of gold about
+our feet, the wilderness began to wake up. A fox-squirrel shot out from his
+bed in a hollow tree, where he had been lodging during the night; and
+scampering up a tall maple, he sat himself down, threw his tail over his
+back, and broke forth with his _chick-chick-chickaree, chickaree,
+chickaree_!--making the woods ring with his song.
+
+"Look at him," exclaimed Venison; "he's as sassy as ever. If I had my
+rifle, I'd knock the spots off that check coat of his'n; I'd larn him to
+chickaree old Venison."
+
+This squirrel, very common in some of the north-western states, is one of
+the largest and most beautiful of its species. He is dressed in a suit of
+light-brown check, and may be seen, in warm, sunny days, cantering over the
+ground, or running through the tree-tops. He is a very careful and a very
+busy body. I have often watched him, as he sat bolt upright in a hickory,
+eating nuts, and throwing the shucks on the ground, with all the gravity of
+a judge. During the fall, he hoards up large quantities of stores. He hulls
+his beech-nuts, selects the fairest walnuts, picks up, here and there, a
+few chestnuts, and packs everything away in his castle with the utmost
+care; and, as Venison says, "the choppers in the winter have stolen bushels
+on 'em!"
+
+While our squirrel was singing his morning psalm, a crow, just out of his
+bed, went sailing along above us, with his "caw! caw!" and settled on a
+tree nearby. "Caw! caw!" he screamed again, looking down curiously at the
+squirrel, as much as to say, "Who cares for _your_ music!" Then out hurried
+another squirrel, and another, breaking forth with joy, until the crow,
+fairly drowned out, spread his wings and soared away. Venison says, "Them
+crows can smell gunpowder, and that fellow know'd we hadn't any, when he
+lit so near us."
+
+A blue-jay then commenced a loud call from a distant part of the forest. He
+is one of the birds that lingers behind, and braves the blasts of winter.
+He was flitting about in a tree-top, and had just commenced his day's
+work. How gaudily Nature has dressed this bird! How he shines, during
+spring and summer! All the shades, and touches, and tinges of blue flow
+over his gaudy mantle; and how orderly and lavishly they are strown over
+him. But the blue-jay is a dissolute kind of a fellow, after all--"neither
+more nor less than a thief," Venison says. His shadowy dress fades with the
+leaf, and after strutting about during the warmer months, making a great
+display of his finery, he "runs down," at last, into a confirmed loafer.
+Groups of them may be seen in the winter, drudging around among the
+withered bushes, and scolding like so many shrews.
+
+Then out popped the little _gopher_, that finished piece of stripe and
+check, that miner, who digs deep in the ground. He, too, had left his
+mansion, and come to greet the morn. A troop of quail marched along, headed
+by their chief. Who does not love the quail? She is associated with early
+childhood and household memories. Her voice rings through the past. We
+heard it sounding over our better years. What a rich brown suit she wears,
+cut round with Quaker simplicity! what taste and neatness about it! It was
+she that long ago went forth with the reapers, and piped for them her
+sunrise psalm, "_More wet! More wet!_" and she will stay here with us
+during the winter, and traverse, with her caravan, all day, the desert
+wastes of snow. Venison says he "don't never kill a quail--it ain't
+right--but he don't know why."
+
+The partridges, all around, commenced rolling their drums, and every little
+while, one would whirr past our heads, and die away in the distance. The
+whole wood-pecker family began _their_ labor. He who wears a red velvet
+cap, silk shawl, and white under-clothes, was boring away in a rotten tree,
+to find his breakfast; and he kept hitching around, and hammering, without
+regarding or caring for our presence. The rabbit, with ears erect, sat
+drawn up in a heap, quivering with fear, as he gazed upon us.
+
+At last we reached the bank of the river, and Venison said, "We had better
+sit down, and take our reck'ning." Here was one of the most beautiful
+pictures of still life ever painted by Nature. The river wound away like a
+silver serpent, until it was lost in a bank of Indian summer haze, and it
+gurgled and dashed through the aisles of the forest, like a dream through
+the silent realms of sleep. It lay, half sunshine, half shadow, and the
+shadow was slowly creeping up a tall cliff on the opposite shore, as the
+day advanced, counting, as it were, the moments as they passed. Afar down
+it, I was amused as I watched a flock of wild geese. They were about a
+hundred in number, sleeping upon the water, in a glassy cove, their heads
+neatly tucked under their wings. An old gander, who had been appointed
+sentinel, to keep watch and guard, was doing the best he could to perform
+his duty. He stood upon one leg, and he grew so drowsy, several times, that
+he nearly toppled over, to his great consternation, and the danger of his
+charge. But rousing up, and taking two or three pompous strides, and
+stretching his neck to its utmost, with a very wise look, he satisfied
+himself that all was right, and that he was not so bad a sentinel, after
+all.
+
+Near by this sleeping community, where a ripple played over a cluster of
+rocks, a flock of ducks were performing their ablutions. Now they were
+diving, now combing out their feathers, now rising and flapping their
+wings, now playing with each other, when the leader blowing a blast on his
+trumpet, they rose gracefully from their bath, and forming themselves into
+a _drag_, went winnowing up the river to their haunts far away.
+
+A sand-hill crane, hoisted up on his legs of stilts, his clothes gathered
+up, and pinned behind him, was leisurely wading about, spearing fish for
+his breakfast. A dozy, stupid-looking kingfisher sat upon a blasted limb
+just over him, looking as grave as a country justice engaged in the same
+business. A bald eagle came rushing down the stream like an air-ship, his
+great wings slowly heaving up and down, as if he had set out upon an
+all-day's journey. A muskrat ferried himself over from one side to the
+other, urgent upon business best known to himself. A prairie-wolf came down
+to the water's edge, gave a bark or two, and taking a drink, turned back
+the way he came.
+
+How many birds had left the wilderness for other climes! The blackbirds,
+those saucy gabblers, who spent the summer here, feeding upon wild rice,
+departed a month ago. I saw their bustle and preparation. They were days
+and days getting ready for their journey. The whole country around was
+alive with their noise. They sang, and fretted. They seemed to be out of
+all kind of patience with everybody and everything--to have a kind of spite
+against Nature for driving them off. All the trees about the marshes were
+loaded, and some were singing, some complaining, some scolding; but having
+finally completed their arrangements, all of a sudden they left. And the
+meadow-lark, that came so early with her spring song--she who used to sit
+upon the waving grass, and heave herself to and fro, in so ecstatic and
+polite a manner, as her melody rose and fell--she, too, is gone.
+
+But about _hunting bees_. Venison informed me that here was the spot where
+he should "try 'em--that he didn't know nothin' about his luck;" that "bees
+were the knowingest critters alive"--that they lived in "the holler trees,
+all around us." He said "they had queens to govern 'em"--that they had
+"workers and drones"--that "everything about 'em was done just so, and if
+any of 'em broke the laws, they just killed 'em, and pitched 'em
+overboard." This, he said, he had "seed himself; he had seed a reg'lar bee
+funeral." He "seed, once, four bees tugging at a dead body, drawing it on
+the back, when they throw'd it out of the hive, and covered it over with
+dirt." And then they have "wars," he says, and "gin'rals," and "captins,"
+and "sogers," and "go out a-fightin', and a-stealin' honey;" they are very
+"knowin' critters, and there is no tellin' nothin' about 'em."
+
+Venison took the little box he had brought with him, which was filled with
+honey, and, opening its lid, placed it on a stump. He then rambled around
+the woods until he found a lingering flower that had escaped the frost,
+with a honey-bee upon it. This he picked, bee and all, and placed on the
+honey. Soon the bee began to work and load himself; and finally he rose in
+circles, winding high in the air, and suddenly turning a right angle, he
+shot out of sight.
+
+"Where has he gone?" inquired I.
+
+"Gone hum where he lives," answered Venison, "to unload his thighs and tell
+the news."
+
+In a few moments, three bees returned, filled themselves, and departed;
+then six; then a dozen, until a black line was formed, along which they
+were rushing both ways, empty and laden, one _end_ of which was lost in the
+forest.
+
+Venison and myself then started on a trot, with our eyes upward, to follow
+this living line; and after having proceeded a quarter of a mile it became
+so confused and scattered that we gave it up, and returned.
+
+"What now?" I inquired.
+
+"I'll have 'em! I'll have 'em!" he replied. "They can't cheat old Venison.
+I've hunted the critters mor-nor forty years, and I allers takes 'em when I
+tries. I'll draw a couple of more sights on 'em."
+
+Venison took two pieces more of honey, and placed one on each side of his
+box. The bees followed him and commenced their work. Very soon, instead of
+one, he had three lines established, his line of honey forming the base of
+a triangle, while the bees were all rushing to its point, on each side of
+this triangle, and through its middle.
+
+This, of course, was a demonstration. Venison and myself followed up again,
+and, sure enough, we "had 'em," as he predicted. There they were, roaring
+in the top of a great oak, like thunder, coming in and going out, wheeling
+up and down through the air as though some great celebration was going on.
+It seemed that the whole hive of workers must have broken forth to capture
+and carry away Venison's honey-box.
+
+"Will they sting?" inquired I.
+
+"Some folks say they will," he replied. "If they hate a man they'll follow
+him a mile; and nobody knows who they hate and who they don't, until
+they're tried."
+
+"Where's the honey?" I inquired again.
+
+"Well, that's the next thing I'm arter;" and Venison put his ear to the
+trunk of the tree to ascertain in what part of it they were "a-workin'." He
+listened a while, but "they warn't low down, he know'd, for he didn't hear
+'em hummin'." He thought the honey was "out the way, high up somewhere." So
+at the tree he went with his axe, and in half an hour the old oak--older,
+probably, than any man on the globe--came down with a crash that roused up
+all the echoes of the wilderness.
+
+Upon an examination, the honey was, probably, Venison thought, packed away
+in a hollow of the tree, about fifty feet from the ground, as a large
+knot-hole was discerned, out of which the bees were streaming in great
+consternation. So he severed the trunk again, at the bottom of the hollow,
+and there it was, great flakes piled one upon another, some of which had
+been broken by the fall of the tree, and were dripping and oozing out their
+wild richness.
+
+"That's the raal stuff," exclaimed Venison; "something 'sides bees-bread."
+
+Venison had brought nothing with him to hold his honey, and I was a little
+curious to know how he would manage. He cut the tree again above the knot.
+During his labor the bees had settled all over him. His hands, face, and
+hair were filled, besides a circle of them that were angrily wheeling about
+his head. But he heeded them not, except by an occasional shake, which was
+significant of pity rather than rage.
+
+"Now," said Venison, when his work was finished, the tree cut, the
+knot-hole stopped, and the whole turned upside down, "that's what I call a
+nat'ral bee-hive, and we'll just stuff in a little dry grass on the top,
+and then I'll be ready to move."
+
+[Illustration: A BEE HUNT.
+
+"That's the raal stuff," exclaimed Venison; "something 'sides bees'-bread."
+Page 62.]
+
+"Move!" I exclaimed, "move! You don't expect _ue_ will carry home a _tree_,
+do you?"
+
+"Two or three on 'em, I s'pect. Venison allers gets as much as that."
+
+Venison was right. Before noon, half a dozen hives were captured and ready
+for removal. I confess, after the excitement was over, that I began to grow
+quite serious over my forenoon's labor. I sat down to rest myself, and the
+very solemnity of the wilderness produced a sober train of thought. A
+south-west breeze sprang up loaded with the dying breath of the
+fall-flowers. It was blowing down the leaves around me, and piling them up
+in gorgeous drifts. Like an undertaker around the remains of the dead, it
+was quietly tearing down the drapery, and preparing the year for its
+burial. A haze overspread everything, and the distance was mellow, the
+objects indistinct, and the whole landscape seemed swimming, as we
+sometimes see it in a dream. The trees were covered with haze; and a canoe,
+on its way down, appeared to be hung up in the air; the birds were hazy;
+and, looking about me, I appeared to be sitting in a great tent of haze.
+The squirrels were clattering through the trees, and throwing down the
+nuts; the partridges were drumming; the rabbits rustling through the dry
+leaves; the water-fowl hurrying through the air; and the crickets, those
+melancholy musicians, were piping a low, dirge-like strain to the golden
+hours of autumn as they passed away.
+
+I thought I could hear the great heart of Nature beat with measured and
+palpitating strokes; could feel the pendulum of Time swinging back and
+forth.
+
+But I said I was rather sober. There stood our six bee-hives, and clinging
+to each in large clusters were its inhabitants, who had been driven forth
+by us to brave a pitiless winter. We had destroyed six cities, and banished
+their people; six cities, six governments of law and order. Cities laid out
+in lanes, and streets, and squares; cities of dwelling-houses and castles;
+cities filled with all sorts of people; all castes in society. There were
+the queen and her palace; the drones and their castles; and the serf, or
+day-laborer, and his hut; and there, sitting upon her throne, the sovereign
+swayed as mighty a sceptre, tyrannized over as great a people, in her
+opinion, as any human despot. She undoubtedly bustled about, talked large,
+swelled up herself with her importance, boasted of her blood, of her divine
+right to rule (certainly divine in her case), just as all earthly princes
+do. There she projected plans of war, marshalled her forces, and stimulated
+their courage with inflammatory appeals. She talked about her house as the
+royal line, as the French used to about the Bourbons. And then a lazy
+aristocracy had been broken up by us; we had turned hundreds of drones
+adrift, and according to the modern definition, drones must be aristocrats;
+that is, they did no work, and lived upon the labor of others. They were,
+in all probability, just like all other aristocratic drones. They lounged
+about the hive in each other's company; had an occasional uproar at each
+other's table; turned out to take the morning air, and slept after dinner.
+They probably advised in all matters of public policy, and cried every day,
+"Long live the Queen." I did not care much about the drones, however. But
+we had turned the poor day-laborer out of doors; he who rose with the sun,
+and went forth to work while the dew was yet tying on the flowers. We had
+humbled the pride of six cities, and brought it to the dust. Is it strange
+that I felt sober?
+
+But Venison broke my musing by informing me that it was "about time to
+cakalate a little about getting our honey home, and he guessed he'd go and
+rig up a raft, and float the cargo down."
+
+And soon a raft was constructed of flood-wood, and bound together with
+green withes, the honey rolled aboard, two long poles prepared to be used
+to guide the craft, and away we glided, followed by a long train of bees,
+who had been despoiled, and who streamed along after us, until the shadows
+of evening arrested their flight, and parted them and their treasure
+forever.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+     The Log-Chapel.--Father Beals.--Aunt Graves.--Sister
+     Abigail.--Bigelow Van Slyck, the Preacher.--His Entree.--How
+     he worked.--One of his Sermons.--Performance of the
+     Choir.--"Coronation" achieved.--Getting into
+     Position.--Personal Appeals.--Effect on the
+     Congregation.--Sabbath in the Wilderness.--Is Bigelow the
+     only Ridiculous Preacher?
+
+
+Puddleford was not altogether a wilderness, although it was located near a
+wilderness. It was located just on the outskirts of civilization, and, like
+Venison Styles, it caught a reflection of civilized life from the east, and
+of savage life from the west. It was an organized township, and was a part
+of an organized county. There were hundreds and thousands of men who were
+busy at work all over this county, cutting down the trees and breaking up
+the soil. Law and religion had found their way among them, just as they
+always accompany the American pioneer. It could not be otherwise; because
+these obligations grow up and weave themselves into the very nature of the
+people of our republic. They are written on the soul. So that judicial
+circuits, a court-house and jail, Methodist circuits and circuit-riders,
+and meeting-houses, were established. All this was rough, like the country
+itself.
+
+Few persons have ever attempted to define the piety of just such a
+community as this; and yet it has a form, tone, and character peculiarly
+its own. The portraits of the Puddlefordians were just as clearly
+reproduced in their religion, as if they had been drawn by sunlight.
+
+The "log-chapel," as it was called at Puddleford, was filled each week,
+with one or two hundred rough, hard-featured, unlearned men and women, who
+had come in from all parts of the country; some for devotional exercises,
+some for amusement; some to look, and some to be looked at. This
+congregation shifted faces each week, like the colors in a kaleidoscope. It
+was never the same. The man in the pulpit must have felt as though he were
+preaching to a running river, whose parts were continually changing. Yet
+there was a church at Puddleford, in the strict sense of the word; it was
+organized, and had, at the time I refer to, ten regular members in good
+standing; all the rest was "floating capital," that drifted in from Sunday
+to Sunday, and swelled the "church proper."
+
+There was "Father Beals," and old "Aunt Graves," and "Sister Abigail," who
+were regular attendants at all times and seasons. They were, beyond all
+doubt, the pillars of the Puddleford church. Father Beals was _the_ church,
+before any building for worship was erected. He was looked upon as a
+living, moving, spiritual body; a Methodist organization in himself; and
+wherever he went to worship on the Sabbath, whether in a private house, a
+barn, or in the forest, all the followers of that order were found with
+him, drawn there by a kind of magnetism. The old man had been one of the
+faithful from a boy; had carried his principles about him from day to day;
+was indeed a light in the world; and he was, by some plan of PROVIDENCE,
+flung far back into the wilderness, all burning, to kindle up and set on
+fire those about him. His influence had built the log-chapel, and, like a
+regulator in a watch, he kept it steady, pushing this wheel a little
+faster, and checking that. Sometimes he had to command, sometimes entreat,
+sometimes threaten, sometimes soothe.
+
+"Father Beals" was a good man; and no higher compliment can be paid to any
+person. His head was very large, bald, and his hair was white. There was an
+expression of great benevolence in his face, and a cold calmness in his
+blue eye that never failed to command respect. He used to sit, on Sundays,
+just under the pulpit, with a red cotton handkerchief thrown over him,
+while his wide-brimmed hat, that he wore into the country, stood in front,
+on a table, and really seemed to listen to the sermon.
+
+"Aunt Graves" was a very useful body in her way, and the Puddleford church
+could not have spared her any more than "Father Beals." She was an old
+maid, and had been a member of the log-chapel from its beginning. She was
+one of those sincere souls that really believed that there was but one
+church in the world, and that was her own. She felt a kind of horror when
+she read of other denominations having an actual existence, and wondered
+"what kind of judgment would fall upon them." She didn't know very much
+about the Bible, but she knew a great deal about religion; she knew all
+about her own duty, and quite a good deal about the duty of her neighbors.
+
+Now "Aunt Graves" was useful in many ways. She kept, in the first place, a
+kind of spiritual thermometer, that always denoted the range of every
+member's piety except her own. Every slip of the tongue; every
+uncharitable remark; every piece of indiscretion, by word or deed; all acts
+of omission, as well as of commission, were carefully registered by her,
+and could at any time be examined and corrected by the church. This was
+convenient and useful. Then, she was a choice piece of melody; there was
+not another voice like hers in the settlement. It had evidently been
+pitched "from the beginning" for the occasion. It possessed great power,
+was quite shaky (a modern refinement in music), and could be heard from a
+half to three quarters of a mile. She has been known to sweep away on a
+high note, and actually take the Puddleford choir off their feet. She rode
+through the staff of music headlong, like a circus-rider around the ring;
+and could jump three or four notes at any time, without lessening her
+speed, or breaking the harmony. She would take any piece of sacred music by
+storm, on the very shortest notice. In fact, she was _the_ treble, aided by
+a few others who had received their instruction from her; and she was just
+as indispensable to worship, she thought, as a prayer or a sermon.
+
+"Aunt Graves" always made it her business to "keep a sharp lookout" after
+the morals of the preacher. "Men are but men," she used to say, "and
+preachers are but men; and they need some person to give 'em a hunch once
+in a while." Sometimes she would lecture him of the log-chapel for hours
+upon evidences of piety, acts of immorality, the importance of
+circumspection, the great danger that surrounded him--her tongue buzzing
+all the while like a mill-wheel, propelled as it was by so much zeal. She
+said it almost made her "crazy to keep the Puddleford church right side
+up; for it _did_ seem as though she had everything on her shoulders; and
+she _really_ believed it would have gone to smash long ago, if it hadn't
+been for her."
+
+Now, "Sister Abigail" wasn't anybody in particular--that is, she was not
+exactly a free agent. She was "Aunt Graves's" shadow--a reflection of her;
+a kind of person that said what "Aunt Graves" said, and did what she did,
+and knew what she knew, and got angry when she did, and over it when she
+did. She was a kind of dial that "Aunt Graves" shone upon, and any one
+could tell what time of day it was with "Aunt Graves," by looking at
+"Sister Abigail."
+
+Besides these lights in the church, there were about (as I have said) ten
+or a dozen members, and a congregation weekly of one or two hundred.
+
+But I must not pass over the preacher himself. I only speak of one,
+although many filled the pulpit of the Puddleford church during my
+acquaintance with it. Bigelow Van Slyck was at one time a circuit-rider on
+the Puddleford circuit; and I must be permitted to say, he was the most
+important character that had filled that station prior to the time to which
+I have reference. He was half Yankee, half Dutch; an ingenious cross,
+effected somewhere down in the State of Pennsylvania. He was not yet a
+full-blown preacher, but an exhorter merely. He was active, industrious,
+zealous, and one would have thought he had more duty on his hands than the
+head of the nation. His circuit reached miles and miles every way. He was
+here to-day, there to-morrow, and somewhere else next day; and he ate and
+slept where he could.
+
+Bigelow's appointments were all given out weeks in advance. These
+appointments must be fulfilled; and he was so continually pressed, that one
+would have thought the furies were ever chasing him.
+
+I have often seen him rushing into the settlement after a hard day's ride.
+He wore a white hat with a wide brim, a Kentucky-jean coat, corduroy vest
+and breeches, a heavy pair of clouded-blue yarn stockings, and stogy boots.
+He rode a racking Indian pony, who wore a shaggy mane and tail. Bigelow
+usually made his appearance in Puddleford just as the long shadows of a
+Saturday evening were pointing over the landscape. The pony came clattering
+in at the top of his speed, panting and blowing, as full of business and
+zeal as his master, while Bigelow's extended legs and fluttering bandana
+kept time to the movement. The women ran to the doors, the children paused
+in the midst of their frolic, as his pony stirred up the echoes around
+their ears; and it is said that the chickens and turkeys, who had often
+witnessed the death of one of their number when this phantom appeared, set
+up a most dismal hue-and-cry, and took to their wings in the greatest
+consternation.
+
+We hope that none of our readers will form an unfavorable opinion of
+Bigelow, after having read our description of him. He was the man of all
+others to fill the station he occupied. He was as much a part of, and as
+necessary to, the wilderness he inhabited, as the oak itself. He belonged
+to the locality. He was one of a gallery of portraits that nature and
+circumstances had hung up in the forest for a useful purpose, just as
+Squire Longbow was another. The one managed the church, the other the
+courts; and all this was done in reference to society as it was, not what
+it ought to be, or might be. There was a kind of elasticity about Bigelow's
+theology, as there was about the Squire's law, that let all perplexing
+technicalities pass along without producing any friction. They were
+graduated upon the sliding-scale principle, and were never exactly the
+same.
+
+Bigelow was a host in theology in his way. He could reconcile at once any
+and every point that could be raised. He never admitted a doubt to enter
+into his exhortations, but he informed his hearers at once just how the
+matter stood. He professed to be able to demonstrate any theological
+question at once, to the satisfaction of any reasonable mind; and it was
+all folly to labor with the unreasonable, he said, for they would "fight
+agin the truth as long as they could, any way."
+
+I used occasionally to hear him exhort, and he was in every respect an
+off-hand preacher. He worked like a blacksmith at the forge. Coat, vest,
+and handkerchief, one after the other, flew off as he became more and more
+heated in his discourse. At one time he thundered down the terrors of the
+law upon the heads of his hearers; at another he persuaded; and suddenly he
+would take a facetious turn, and accompany the truth with a story about his
+grandfather down on the Ohio, or an anecdote that he had read in the
+newspapers. He wept and he laughed, and the whole assembly were moved as
+his feelings moved; now silent with grief, and now swelling with
+enthusiasm.
+
+I recollect one of his sermons in part, and, in fact, the most of the
+services accompanying it. It was a soft day in June. The birds were singing
+and revelling among the trees which canopied the chapel. The church was
+filled. The choir were all present. "Father Beals," "Aunt Graves," and
+"Sister Abigail" were in their accustomed seats. The farmers from the
+country had "turned out;" in fact, it was one of the most stirring days
+Puddleford had ever known. It was quite evident that the occasion was
+extraordinary, as "Aunt Graves" was very nervous the moment she took her
+seat in the choir. If any error should be committed, the exercises would be
+spoiled, prayers, preaching, and all; because, according to her judgment,
+they all depended upon good music; and _that_ she was responsible for. So
+she began to hitch about, first this way, and then that; then she ran over
+the music-book, and then the index to it; then she hummed a tune inaudibly
+through her nose; then she examined the hymn-book, and then changed her
+seat; and then changed back again. She was, in her opinion, the wheel that
+kept every other wheel in motion; and what if _that_ wheel should stop!
+
+But the hymn was at last given out; and there was a rustling of leaves, and
+an a-hemming, and coughing, and spitting, and sounding of notes; and a toot
+on a cracked clarinet, which had been wound with tow; and a low grunt from
+a bass-viol, produced by a grave-looking man in the corner. Then all rose,
+and launched forth in one of those ancient pieces of church harmony,
+"Coronation;" every voice and instrument letting itself go to its utmost
+extent. One airy-looking person was pumping out his bass by rising and
+falling on his toes; another, more solemn, was urging it up by crowding his
+chin on his breast; another jerked it out by a twist of his head; while one
+quiet old man, whose face beamed with tranquillity, just stood, in perfect
+ecstasy, and let the melody run out of his nose. The genius on the
+clarinet blew as if he were blowing his last. His cheeks were bloated, his
+eyes were wild and extended, and his head danced this way and that, keeping
+time with his fingers; and he who sawed the viol tore away upon his
+instrument with a kind of ferocity, as if he were determined to commit some
+violence upon it. But the treble--what shall I say of _it_? "Aunt Graves"
+was nowhere to be seen, after the "parts" had got into full play; she put
+on the power of her voice, and "drowned out" everything around her at once;
+and then, rising higher and higher, she rushed through the notes, the choir
+in full chase after her, and absolutely came out safely at last, and struck
+upon her feet, without injuring herself or any one else.
+
+When this performance closed, quite an air of self-satisfaction played over
+the faces of all, declaring clearly enough that their business was over for
+an hour at least. In fact, "Aunt Graves" was entirely out of breath, and
+remained in a languishing state for several minutes. So they busied
+themselves the best way they could. They gazed at every person in the house
+except the preacher, and did everything but worship. I noticed that it was
+very difficult for the female portion to "get into position." They tried a
+lounge and a lean, an averted face and a full one. Then their
+bonnet-strings troubled them, and then their shawls; and now a lock of hair
+got astray, and then something else. The men were as philosophical and
+indifferent as so many players at a show. He of the clarinet once so forgot
+the day as to raise his instrument to the window and take a peep through
+it, so that he might detect its air-holes, if any there were; and he
+afterwards amused himself and me, a long time, by gravely licking down its
+tow bandage, so that it might be in condition when called upon to perform
+again. In fact, the Puddleford choir was very much like choirs in all other
+places.
+
+By and by, Bigelow took his stand, preparatory to his sermon. I do not
+intend to follow Bigelow through his discourse, because I could not do so
+if I attempted it; nor would it be of any importance to the reader, if I
+could. He said he would not take any text, but he would preach a sermon
+that would suit a hundred texts. He did not like to confine himself to any
+particular portion of the Bible; but wished to retain the privilege of
+following up the manifold sins of his congregation, in whomsoever or
+wherever they existed. He then launched himself forth, denouncing, in the
+first place, the sin of profanity, which is very common in all new
+countries, evidently having in view two or three of his hearers who were
+notoriously profane; and after considering the question generally, he
+declared "that of all sinners, the profane man is the greatest fool,
+because he receives nothing for his wickedness. A'n't that true, Luke
+Smith?" he continued, as he reached out his finger towards Luke, whose
+daily conversation was a string of oaths; "a'n't that true? How much have
+_you_ made by it?--answer to me, and this congregation." Luke quivered as
+if a shock of electricity had passed through him.
+
+Bigelow then gave a short history of his own sins in that line at an early
+day, before he entered the pulpit, when he was young and surrounded by
+temptations; but, he said, he reformed at last, and every other man might
+do so by the same means. "When you feel yourself swelling with a big
+oath--for every man feels 'em inside before they break out," exclaimed
+Bigelow,--"jump up and cry "Jezebel!" three times in succession, and you'll
+feel as calm as an infant. This," he continued, "lets off the feeling
+without the commission of sin, and leaves the system healthy."
+
+He next considered the sin of Sabbath-breaking; and he poured down the
+melting lava upon the heads of his hearers with a strength and ingenuity
+that I have seldom seen equalled. "Men," he said, "would labor harder to
+break the Sabbath than they would for bread. They would chase a deer from
+morning till night on this holy day, kill him, and then _throw the carcass
+away_; but week-days they lounge about some Puddleford dram-shop, while
+their families were suffering. Men, too," he continued, "fish on Sundays,
+because the devil has informed them that fish bite better. It is the devil
+himself who does the biting, not the fish; it is _he_ who is fishing for
+_you_; for Bill Larkin, and Sam Trimble, and Hugh Williams, and scores of
+others; he's got you now, and you will be scaled and dressed for his table
+unless you escape instantly;" and then, to impress his illustration, he
+soared away into a flight of eloquence just suited to his hearers; rough
+and fiery, plain and pointed, neither above nor below the capacity of those
+he addressed.
+
+Bigelow then made a descent upon lying and liars. He regretted to say that
+this sin was very common in the church. "He had a dozen complaints before
+him now, undecided;" and he detailed a few of them, as specimens of "the
+depravity of the human heart." He "didn't want to hear any more of them, as
+he had something else to do, besides taking charge of the tongues of his
+church."
+
+Then came an exhortation on _duties_; and almost every practical virtue
+was mentioned and impressed. Early rising, industry, economy, modesty,
+contentment, etc., etc., all received a notice at his hands. "Don't sleep
+yourselves to death!" exclaimed Bigelow; "rise early! work! for while you
+sleep the Enemy will sow your fields full of tares; and the only way to
+keep him out is to be on the spot _yourself_!" This was a literal
+application of the parable, it is true; yet it was very well done, and
+productive, I have no doubt, of some good.
+
+Bigelow closed in a most tempestuous manner. He was eloquent, sarcastic,
+and comical, by turns. He had taken off nearly all his clothes, except his
+pantaloons, shirt, and suspenders; a custom among a certain class of
+western preachers, however strange it may appear to many readers. Streams
+of perspiration were running down his face and neck; his hair was in
+confusion; and altogether, he presented the appearance of a man who had
+passed through some convulsion of nature, and barely escaped with his life.
+
+I could not help thinking that Bigelow was entitled to great credit, not
+only for the matter his sermon contained, but in being able to deliver a
+sermon at all amid the confusion which often surrounded him. There were a
+dozen or more infants in the crowd, some crowing, some crying, and some
+chattering. One elderly lady, in particular, had in charge one of these
+responsibilities, that seemed to set the place and the preacher at
+defiance. She tried every expedient to quiet the little nuisance, but it
+was of "no use." She set it down, laid it down, turned it around, nursed
+it, chirped at it; and finally, giving up in despair, she placed it on her
+knee, the child roaring at the top of its lungs, and commenced trotting it
+in the very face of the audience. This operation cut up the music of the
+innocent, and threw it out in short, quick jerks, very agreeable to the
+preacher and congregation.
+
+An excellent old woman also sat directly in front of Bigelow, her left
+elbow resting on her knee, which she swayed to and fro with a sigh. Her
+face lay devoutly in the palm of her hand, while her right thumb and
+fore-finger held a pinch of snuff, which she every now and then slowly
+breathed up a hawk-bill nose, with a long-drawn whistle, something after
+the sort that broke forth from the clarinet a while before. She then blew a
+blast into a faded cotton handkerchief, that reverberated like the voice of
+"many trumpets." This was followed by fits of coughing, and sneezing, and
+sighing; in fact, she sounded as great a variety of notes as the choir
+itself.
+
+Besides all this, a troop of dogs who had followed their masters were
+continually marching up and down the chapel; and when any unusual
+excitement occurred with Bigelow, or any one else, as there did several
+times, we had a barking-chorus, which threatened to suspend the whole
+meeting. Bigelow, however, didn't mind any or all of these things; but,
+like a skilful engineer, he put on the more steam, and ran down every
+obstacle in his way.
+
+Reader, I have given you a description of the log-chapel at Puddleford. It
+is like a thousand other places of public worship in a "new country." If
+there is something to condemn, there is more to praise. There seems to be a
+providence in this, as in all other things.
+
+The settlers in a forest are a rough, hardy, and generally an honest race
+of men. It is their business to hew down the wilderness, and prepare the
+way for a different class who will surely follow them. They cannot
+cultivate their minds to any extent, or refine their characters. They must
+be reached through the pulpit by such means as _will_ reach them. Of what
+importance is a nice theological distinction with them? Of what force a
+labored pulpit disquisition? They have great vices and strong virtues.
+Their vices must be smitten and scattered with a sledge-hammer; they are
+not to be played with in a flourish of rhetoric. Just such a human tornado
+as Bigelow is the man for the place; he may commit some mischief, but he
+will leave behind him a purer moral atmosphere and a serener sky.
+
+Society, in such a place as Puddleford, is cultivated very much like its
+soil. Both lie in a state of rude nature, and both must be improved. The
+great "breaking-plough," with its dozen yoke of cattle, in the first place,
+goes tearing and groaning through the roots and grubs that lie twisted
+under it, just as Bigelow tore and groaned through the stupidity and
+wickedness of his hearers. Then comes the green grass, and wheat, and
+flowers, as years draw on; producing, at last, "some sixty, and some a
+hundred-fold."
+
+There is something impressive in the Sabbath in the wilderness. A quiet
+breathes over the landscape that is almost overwhelming. In a city, the
+church-steeples talk to one another their lofty music; but there are no
+bells in the wilderness to mark the hours of worship. The only bell which
+is heard is rung by Memory, as the hour of prayer draws nigh; some
+village-bell, far away, that vibrated over the hills of our nativity, the
+tones of which we have carried away in our soul, and which are awakened by
+the solemnity of the day.
+
+There is a philosophy in all this, if we will but see it; there is more;
+there is a lesson, possibly a reproof. If we are disposed to smile at the
+rusticity of a Puddleford church, may we not with equal reason become
+serious over the overgrown refinement of many another? May not something be
+learned in the very contrast which is thus afforded? Do not the extravagant
+hyperbole, coarse allusions, irreverent anecdote, and strong but unpolished
+shafts of sarcasm, that such as Bigelow so unsparingly scatter over the
+sanctuary, give a rich background and strong relief to the finished
+rhetoric of many a pulpit essay, that has been written to play with the
+fancy and tranquillize the nerves of a refined and fashionable audience?
+Are not the extremes equally ridiculous? the one not having reached, the
+other having passed the zenith.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+     Indian Summer.--Venison Styles again.--Jim Buzzard.--Fishing
+     Excursion.--Muskrat City.--Indian Burying-ground.--The
+     Pickerel and the Rest of the Fishes.--The Prairie.--Wild
+     Geese.--The Old Mound.--Venison's Regrets at the
+     degenerating Times.--His Luck, and Mine.--Reminiscences of
+     the Beavers.--Camping out.--Safe Return.
+
+
+Indian summer had not yet taken her bow from the woods or her breath from
+the sky. Old Autumn still lay asleep; Time stood by, with his hour-glass
+erect, slowly counting the palpitations of his heart.
+
+Venison Styles appointed a day for a fishing excursion, and was desirous of
+my company; so, on one of those bright mornings, we might have been seen
+loading our gear into the boat, preparatory to a night's lodging in the
+woods. We were accompanied by "Jim Buzzard," a genuine Puddlefordian, whom
+we took along to do up the little pieces of drudgery that always attend
+such an expedition.
+
+Puddleford was a wonderful place for fish-eaters, and the only real harvest
+the villagers had was the fish-harvest. One half of Puddleford lived on
+fish, and everybody fished. But our "Jim Buzzard" was a character in fish,
+and I could never excuse myself if I should pass him over unnoticed.
+
+Where "Jim" was born--who was his father or mother--and whether he
+actually ever had any, are questions that no mortal man was ever yet able
+to answer. He appeared one spring morning in Puddleford with the swallows.
+The first thing seen of him, he was sitting, about sunrise, on an old dry
+goods' box, at the corner of a street, whistling a variety of lively airs.
+The crown was dangling from the top of his hat, he was shirtless and
+unshaved, and his shoes gaped horribly at the public.
+
+"Jim" was a genuine loafer, and loafers, you know, reader, pervade every
+place, and are always the same. There is a certain class of animals that
+are said to follow civilization, as sharks follow in the wake of a ship,
+and generally for the same reason, to pick up what they can find. Rats and
+loafers belong to this class, and there is no human ingenuity shrewd enough
+to keep them off: their appearance seems to be a simple fulfilment of a law
+of nature.
+
+Jim Buzzard was a fisher, too, and nothing but a fisher. He would sit on an
+old log by the bank of the river, and hold a pole from morning until night.
+If the fish would bite, very well; if they would not, very well. Ill-luck
+never roused his wrath, because there was no wrath in him to arouse. He was
+a true philosopher, and was entirely too lazy to get into a passion. Jim
+knew that the fish would bite to-morrow, or next day, if they didn't
+to-day. He was happy, completely so; that is, as completely happy as the
+world will admit. He didn't envy anybody--not he. All his wants were
+supplied, and what did he care about the possessions of his neighbors? He
+never realized any future, here or hereafter. Jim never lay awake nights,
+thinking about where he would be, or what he should have, next week. He
+didn't know as there was any next week. He knew the sun rose and set, which
+was all the time he ever measured at once. Well, as I said, Jim made one of
+our company.
+
+Our boat was finally loaded, our crew shipped, and we shot forth into the
+stream. The water lay as smooth as glass, and the reflected colors of the
+blazing trees that hung over it gave it the appearance of a carpet. The
+headlands put out here and there, intersected by long gores of marsh, that
+ran away a mile or more in the distance.
+
+Upon one of these marshes a city had been reared by the muskrats, which
+presented an interesting appearance. Hundreds of huts had been erected by
+this busy population, intended by them as their winter quarters, composed
+of grass and sticks and mud, and hoisted up beyond the reach of the spring
+floods. Each one was a little palace, and the whole sat upon the water like
+a miniature Venice. Here huts were entered by diving down, the front door
+being always concealed to prevent intrusion. Up and down the canals of this
+city the inhabitants gossiped and gambolled by moonlight, like those of
+every other gay place. They had their routs, and cotillons, and suppers, in
+all human probability, and for aught I know drank themselves stupid.
+Perhaps they kept up an opera. I say perhaps--we know so little of the
+inner life of these strange creatures, that we may draw upon the
+imagination in regard to their amusements as much as we please. If any
+transcendental muskrat should ever write the history of this colony, I will
+forward it to the newspapers by the first mail.
+
+Venison said, "we were going to have a wet time on't, cause the rats had
+built so high, and the whole mash would be covered bime-by, by the rains."
+He said, "muskrats know'd more nor men about times ahead, and fixed up
+things 'cordingly."
+
+Our boat glided along until we came in sight of a huge bluff that had
+pushed itself half across the stream. A melancholy fragment of one of the
+tribes of Indians, who once held the sovereignty of the soil, and who had
+escaped a removal, or had wandered back from their banishment, were
+clustered upon it. They had erected a long pole, and gathered themselves,
+hand in hand, in a circle about it; within this circle, their medicines and
+apparel worn in worship, lay for consecration. The plaintive chant was
+heard melting along the waters, as they wheeled round and round in their
+solemn service. I have never looked upon a more touching exhibition. Most
+of these Indians were very old; they had outlived their tribe, their
+country, their glory--everything but their ceremonies and themselves. What
+a beautiful tribute was this to the past! a handful of worshippers
+lingering round the broken altar of their temple, and hallowing its very
+ruins.
+
+Near by, and on the southern slope of the bluff, lay the remains of an
+extensive Indian burying-ground. No white man could tell its age. Large
+oaks, centuries old, that had grown since the dead were first deposited
+there, stood up over the graves. No monuments of stone designated the
+thousands of sleepers--the living themselves were the monuments of the
+dead. Weapons of war and peace were scattered beneath the turf, mixed with
+crumbling human bones.
+
+What were this little band of red men, thought I, but so many autumn
+leaves? A few years more, and the solitary boat, as it turns this headland,
+will find no warrior kneeling on its height. The Great Spirit will brood
+alone over the solitude.
+
+By and by, we turned into a bay, sheltered by an overhanging cliff, where
+we cast our anchor, and made ready for work. The water was transparent, and
+the shining pebbles glittered in the sandy depths below. Shoals of fish had
+gathered in this nook, beyond the strife of waters. The sun-fish, his back
+all bristling with rage, ploughed around with as much ferocity as a
+privateer; the checkered perch lazily rolled from side to side, as his
+breath came and went; the little silver dace darted and flashed through
+each other their streams of light; and away off, all alone, the pickerel,
+that terror of the pool, stood as still and dart-like as the vane of a
+steeple.
+
+This congregation reminded me of the stir we sometimes find in the ports of
+a city. They seemed to have much business on hand. They were continually
+putting out and putting in; sometimes alone and sometimes in fleets. I
+noticed an indolent old "sucker," who made several unsuccessful attempts to
+reach the current, and get under headway. Once in a while, a fish would
+come dashing in from above, like a ship before a gale, throwing the whole
+community into an uproar.
+
+Below us, on the left bank of the river, stretched a prairie which was
+several miles in circumference. It was dotted, here and there, with a
+settler's cabin, but the greater part yet lay in the wild luxuriance of
+nature. It was surrounded by the forest, and long points of woodland
+pierced it, now glowing like a flame. Shooting back and forth, the
+prairie-hens sailed across it like boats upon the main. The sky above it
+was filled with hawks, sweeping round and round in search of prey--now they
+rested upon their outspread wings--then plunged through a long-drawn
+curve--then gracefully moved near the earth in downward circles, as some
+object was discovered, winnowing a while above it, to make sure of its
+nature and position, and rising once more, and turning with lightning
+quickness, away they rushed upon their quarry, and soared away with it on
+high.
+
+In the depth of winter, when the lakes and rivers are bound in ice, vast
+bodies of geese assemble there. Acres of ground are covered, and they storm
+about their camp like an army of soldiers. Some commanding elevation, far
+out from shore, beyond the reach of the hunter's gun, is selected. When
+disturbed, their sentinels blow the alarm, and away they go, piping their
+dismal dirge, until it dies afar in the sky. By daybreak the next morning,
+they are on the ground again, as tranquil as though nothing had happened.
+
+It is almost impossible to trap these wanderers. Before they establish
+their quarters, they study the landscape with the eye of a painter. They
+take a daguerrian view of objects as they are. The log-hut, with its
+curling smoke--the hay-stack crowned with snow--the settler's cart tipped
+up, its tongue pointing towards the north star--a goose understands as well
+as a man. _They_ never blow up nor work destruction. But just try an
+artificial house of boughs, a brush fence, or an intrenchment near their
+lines. They see the plot at a glance, and draw out of harm's way, and pitch
+their snowy tents again, beyond its reach. As well chase the fabled island
+as a flock of wild geese.
+
+Not far below this prairie, near the bank of the river, a venerable mound
+raised its solitary head. It was thinly covered with oaks, and belonged to
+Oblivion. It was one of the few feathers that Time had cast in his flight,
+to mark the past and confuse the present. It looked like a hand reached out
+from eternity; but _whose_ hand? Ay, whose? Who built it? When? Why? It was
+filled with all kinds of strange things that had been planted there by a
+busy race who were unable to preserve their own history. Their works had
+outlived themselves; but they cannot talk to us, nor tell us what they are,
+nor who fashioned them. There it stands, gazing dumbly at all who look upon
+it, a sad lesson to individual pride or national glory.
+
+Venison did not seem quite satisfied with the prospect of catching fish in
+the little bay. "'Tain't as it used to be," sighed the old hunter. "Before
+the woods were cut down, and them are dams built," said he, "the whole
+river was alive with all sorts of fish. In the spring-time the salmon-trout
+and sturgeon used to come up out of the lakes to feed, but they can't get
+up any more. They keep trying it every year yet, and thousands on 'em may
+be seen packed in below old Jones' dam, 'long 'bout April, waiting and
+waiting for it to go off. For I s'pose they think 'tain't nothing but
+flood-wood lodged."
+
+"Why don't they climb it?" inquired I.
+
+"When the water is very high up, and there arn't much of a riffle there,
+they will sometimes; but they can't climb like them speckled trout--they'll
+go right up a mountain stream, and make nothing on't--them fellers beat all
+nater for going anywhere."
+
+However, as I said somewhere back in my narrative, we made ready for work.
+We looked around for Jim Buzzard, and found him sitting in the bow of the
+boat, his legs sprawled out, his head dropped on his chin, his ragged hat
+cocked on one side, fast asleep. There was an ease and self-abandonment
+about his appearance that were really beautiful. Jim could sleep
+anywhere--some people can't. He was never nervous. He never had any spasms
+about something that could never occur. He had no notes falling due--no
+crops in the ground--no merchandise on his hand--no property, except the
+little he carried on his back, and that he didn't really own; it was given
+to him--he was no candidate for office, and didn't even know or care who
+was President--all administrations were alike to him, for all had treated
+him well. He never flew into a passion because some persons slandered him,
+because he had no character to injure.
+
+"Hallo, Jim!" I screamed, with my mouth to his ear, "the boat is sinking."
+
+He gaped, and groaned, and stretched a few times, and finally opened his
+eyes, and adjusted his hat, and looking up at me, "Let her sink, then," he
+replied; "we can get-er up agin."
+
+"Stir around! stir around, Jim!" I exclaimed; "the fish are waiting for our
+bait; out with your pole."
+
+He said, "_he_ was goin' overboard arter fresh-water clams--kase they were
+good with salt, and anybody could eat 'em;" and rolling up his breeches,
+over he went, and moving away down near a sandy beach, he commenced digging
+his clams with his feet, and piling them up on shore by his side.
+
+Venison and myself dashed our lines overboard. I watched every movement of
+the old hunter. He went through as many ceremonies as a magician working a
+charm. His "minnys" (minnows), as he called them, were hooked tenderly at a
+particular place in the back, so that they might shoot around in the water,
+without dying in the effort; his hook was pointed in a certain direction,
+so as to catch at the first bite; he then spit upon the bait, and swinging
+the line a few times in circles, he threw it far out in the stream.
+
+"That'll bring a bass, pickerel, or something," said he, as it struck the
+water.
+
+Soon the pole bent, and Venison sprang upon it.
+
+"Pull him out!" exclaimed I.
+
+"Don't never hurry big fish," replied he; "let him play round a little;
+he'll grow weak byme-by, and come right along into the boat;" and
+accordingly, Venison "_let_ him play;" he managed the fish with all that
+refinement in the art that sportsmen know so well how to appreciate and
+enjoy. Sometimes it raced far up the stream, then far down; and once, as
+the line brought it up on a downward trip, it bounded into the air, and
+turned two or three summersets that shook the silver drops of water from
+its fins. After a while, it became exhausted, and Venison slowly drew him
+into the boat, all breathless and panting; a famous pickerel, four feet
+long and "well proportioned."
+
+My poles, all this time, remained just where I first placed them--not a
+nibble, as I knew. Some very wicked people, I have been informed, swear at
+fish when they refuse to bite--but I did not--because I have never been
+able to see why _they_ were to blame, or why swearing would reform them,
+if they were. It was no very good reason that they should take hold of one
+end of my pole and line, because I happened to be at the other.
+
+Not having much luck with big fish, I concluded to amuse the "small fry."
+So out went my hook ker-slump right down in the midst of a great gathering,
+who seemed to have met on some business of importance. It was a little
+curious to watch these finny fellows as they eyed my worm. They swept round
+it in a circle, a few times, and coming up with a halt, and forming
+themselves abreast, they rocked up and down from head to tail, as they
+surveyed the thing. By and by, a perch, a little more venturesome than the
+rest, floated up by degrees to the bait, his white fins slowly moving back
+and forth, and carefully reaching out his nose, he touched it, wheeled, and
+shot like a dart out of sight. In a few minutes he came round in the rear
+of the company, to await further experiments. Next came the sun-fish,
+jerking along, filled with fire and fury, with a kind of who's-afraid sort
+of look, and striking at my hook, actually caught the tip of the barb, and
+I turned the fellow topsy-turvy, showing up his yellow to advantage. He
+left for parts unknown. There was a small bass who had strayed into the
+community, whom I was anxious to coax into trouble; but he lay off on his
+dignity, near an old root, to see the fun. I moved my hook towards him. He
+shot off and turned head to, with a no-you-don't sort of air. I took my
+bait from the water and spit on it, but it wouldn't do. I took it out
+again, and went through an incantation over it, but I couldn't catch him by
+magic; and I have no doubt, reader, he is there yet.
+
+Venison, every little while, dragged another and another pickerel aboard.
+Pretty soon we had Jim Buzzard cleaning fish, and packing away in a barrel,
+with a little sprinkling of salt.
+
+I gathered in my lines, arose, and thanked the whole tribe of fish,
+generally and particularly, for their attendance upon me, and promised not
+to trouble them for a month at least.
+
+The sun was waning low, and the shadows of the trees were pointing across
+the river. The clouds in the west gathered themselves into all kinds of
+pictures. There was a fleet of ships, all on fire, in full sail, far out at
+sea; the fleet dissolved, and a city rose out of its ruins, filled with
+temples, and domes, and turrets, and divided into streets, up and down
+which strange and fantastic figures were hurrying. The city vanished, and a
+pile of huge mountains shot up their rugged peaks, around which golden
+islands lay anchored, all glowing with light. Away one side, I noticed a
+grave, corpulent, and shadowy old gentleman, astride an elephant, smoking a
+pipe, and he puffed himself finally away into the heavens, and I have never
+seen him since--a solemn warning to persons who use tobacco.
+
+Venison said "we had better hunt up our camping-ground, for his stomach was
+getting holler, and he wanted to fill it up."
+
+Below us, a sparkling stream put into the river. Just above it, a mile or
+so, lay a broad lake, which was fed from this same stream--it came in from
+the wilderness. We started for this lake, and wound our way up this little
+creek amid the struggling shafts of sunlight that hung over it. The
+water-fowl were hurrying past us, towards the same spot, to take up their
+night's lodging, and we drove flocks of them ahead as we crowded upon them.
+The dip of our oars echoed among the shadows. We reached our ground,
+unloaded our gear, and prepared for the night.
+
+Venison directed Jim Buzzard to build a "stack" and get supper. So, a pile
+of stones was laid up, with a flat one across the top, leaving a hole
+behind for the smoke to escape. Venison knocked over a gray duck on the
+lake with his rifle, and it was not long before we had four feet of
+pickerel and that self-same duck sprawled out on the hot stone, frying.
+
+Venison was rather gloomy. "This," said he, "makes me think of times gone.
+I used to camp here all alone, years ago, when there warn't no settlers for
+miles. I used to catch otter and beaver and rat, and sleep out weeks to a
+time. But the beaver and otter are gone."
+
+"Beaver here?" inquired I.
+
+"Why, not more'n nor a mile or so up this creek, I've killed piles on 'em.
+Why, I seed a company on 'em, up there, once, of two or three hundred. They
+com'd down one spring and clear'd off acres of ground that had grown up to
+birch saplings, that they wanted to build a dam with, and there they let
+the trees lie until August. Then they started to build their houses all
+over the low water in the mash--great houses four or five feet through--and
+they work'd in companies of four or five on a house till they got 'em done.
+You jist ought to see 'em carry mud and stones between their fore-paws and
+throat, and see 'em lay it down and slap it with their tails, like men who
+work with a trowel."
+
+"Well," said I, "about those trees that they cleared off?"
+
+"When they got 'em done, then they all jined in to build a dam, to raise up
+the water, so't wouldn't freeze up the doors of their houses. And then
+there was a time on't. You might see 'em by moonlight, pitching in the
+trees, and swimming down the stream with 'em, and laying 'em in the current
+of the creek, like so many boys."
+
+"Pshaw!" said I.
+
+"Yes, sir! I seed one night a lot of beavers drawing one of the biggest
+trees they had cut. It was more'n six inches through. They got it part over
+the bank, when it stuck fast. Jest the top of the tree was in the water,
+and there were four or five on 'em sousing round in the water, pulling this
+way and that, and as many more on the bank jerking at it, until byme-by it
+went in kerswash; the beavers all took hold on't, then, and towed it to the
+dam."
+
+"And so they really built a dam?"
+
+"A dam three feet high, and forty or fifty long--all laid up with birch
+trees, and mud and stones, so tight 'tain't gone yet. The beaver have gone
+long ago, but the dam hain't."
+
+"How did you catch 'em?" said I.
+
+"When the fur is good, in the winter, we jest went round with our
+ice-chisels and knocked their houses to pieces, when away they would go for
+their _washes_, as we used to call 'em, where we fastened 'em in and
+catch'd 'em."
+
+"Washes? what are they?" inquired I.
+
+"Holes the beavers dig in the bank, partly under water, where they can run
+in and breathe without being seen."
+
+Venison was going on to tell me how many beaver skins he got, but the duck
+and fish were done, and had been divided up by Jim Buzzard, and handsomely
+laid out on a piece of clean bark, ready to eat.
+
+We ranged ourselves in a row, squat upon the ground like so many Turks,
+drew our hunting-knives, and went to work. I looked out upon the lake that
+lay like a looking-glass, draped with gauze, at my feet. Day was dying over
+it like a strain of music. One slender bar of light lay trembling along its
+eastern shore. By and by it crept up the bank; from that to a mound behind,
+and from which it took a leap to a hill a mile distant, where it faded and
+faded into twilight. The water-fowl were screaming among the flags, and I
+noticed a belated hawk winging his way through the air on high, to his home
+in the forest. I could almost hear the winnowing of his wings in the silent
+sky. A chick-a-dee-dee came bobbing and winding down an oak near me, for
+the purpose of coaxing a supper. The trees began to assume uncertain
+shapes--the arms of the oaks stretched out longer and longer. The new moon
+grew brighter and brighter in the west. There it hung, looking down into
+the lake. The river sent up its hollow roar, the mists settled thicker and
+thicker, and solemn night at last came down over the wilderness.
+
+After I had finished my watch of departing day, I looked around for my
+company. "Jim" had been stuffing himself for the last half hour, until he
+had grown as stupid as an over-fed anaconda. His jaws were moving very
+slowly over the bone of a duck--his eyes were drowsy--and every now and
+then he heaved a long-drawn sigh--a kind of melancholy groan over his
+inability to eat any more.
+
+Venison said "we must build up our night fire to keep off the varmints,"
+and accordingly we reared a pile of brush of logs, set it a-going, made up
+our bed of withered leaves, ranged ourselves in a circle with our feet
+turned to the blaze, and were soon lost in sleep.
+
+Morn broke over us lovely as ever. As the first gray streaks began to melt
+away, Venison roused up to get a deer for breakfast. We went out on to a
+run-way, hid ourselves in the bushes, and soon a large buck, his antlers
+swung aloft, came snuffing and cracking along over the leaves, on his way
+to the lake to take his morning drink. Pop! and over he went, and soon his
+"saddles" were taken out and carried into camp, our stack started, and
+breakfast prepared.
+
+Another day was loitered away among the fish--another day, beautiful as the
+last, we floated over the lake, and threaded the stream that poured into
+it. At night we found ourselves safely moored at Puddleford, our boat
+loaded with fish, and my soul filled with a thousand beautiful pictures of
+nature, that hang there winter and summer, as bright and lovely as life
+itself.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+     Educational Efforts.--Squire Longbow's "Notis."--"The
+     Saterday Nite."--Ike and the Squire.--Various Remarks to the
+     Point.--Mrs. Fizzle and the Temperance Question.--Collection
+     taken.--General Result.
+
+
+There has been much written in the world about the benefits of education. I
+am very sure that its importance was not overlooked in Puddleford. I cannot
+say that the village has ever produced giants in literature, but it has
+produced great men, comparatively speaking and judging, and very great if
+we take the opinion of the Puddlefordians themselves. Somebody once said
+that "in the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed are monarchs," and I
+suppose it was upon this principle, if we give the maxim a literal
+construction, that Squire Longbow, who had lost an eye, as the reader may
+recollect, had become elevated to such a pitch among his neighbors.
+
+Education, in almost every western community, stands at about a certain
+level among the masses. That level changes with changing generations, but
+very seldom among individuals of the same. I ought perhaps to exclude the
+Squire, who was an exception to all general rules, and would have
+undoubtedly distinguished himself anywhere and under any circumstances. The
+children of the pioneer, or a portion of them, receive educational
+advantages, which had been denied the father, and their children still
+greater, until at last the polished statue rises out of the marble in the
+quarry.
+
+But there were efforts making at Puddleford, about the time I allude to, to
+increase the common stock of knowledge, and keep up the general reputation
+of Puddleford with that of the world, which ought not to pass unnoticed.
+
+One day in November, I discovered the following notice posted up in the
+streets, and nailed to several trees adjacent to the highways in the
+country:--
+
+     "NOTIS
+
+     "To all it may konsarn--men, wimmin, and their children.
+     Whareas, edication, and knowlidg of all sorts, is very
+     likely to run down in all knew countrys, owin to a great
+     manny reasons that aint propper to go into this ere
+     notis--and whareas many of the habitants of Puddleford and
+     the circumjacint country all round bout it, are in danger of
+     suffering that way--And whareas a few of us leading men have
+     thot on the matter, and concluded that sumthing must very
+     soon be did, or til be too late--therefore a meeting will be
+     held at the log-chapel next Saterday nite, to raise up the
+     karacter of the people in this respect.
+
+                         (Signed.)
+
+                           'SQUIRE LONGBOW And others.'"
+
+On the "Saterday nite," mentioned in the above "notis," I attended at the
+log-chapel, for the purpose of raising up the "karacter of the people." The
+gathering was large--made up of men and women, and quite a number were in
+from the country. Squire Longbow, the "Colonel," "Stub Bulliphant" the
+landlord of the Eagle, Ike Turtle the pettifogger, Sile Bates his opponent,
+Charity Beadle, Philista Filkins, "Aunt Graves," "Sister Abigail," Sonora
+Brown, and a large number of others, made up the meeting. It was very
+evident that something _would_ be done. Pretty soon Ike Turtle rose, gave a
+loud rap with his fist on the side of the house, and said it was "high time
+this ere body came to order, and he would nominate Squire Longbow for
+President."
+
+"You've heerd the nomination," continued the Squire, rising slowly from his
+seat in another part of the house. "You who are in my favor say Ay!"
+
+"Ay!" exclaimed the house.
+
+"Clear vote--no use in putting the noes;" and Squire Longbow took his stand
+in the pulpit, and proceeded:--
+
+"Feller-citizens, ladies and gentlemen, all on you who are here, just keep
+still while I thank you. We have cum up here on a pretty big
+business--neither more nor less than edication. P'raps you don't all on you
+know that edication makes everybody and everything--it made our
+forefathers, it made some of us, and is a going to make our children, if
+_we_ do _our_ duty. You have made me President on this occasion, and it is
+my duty to thank you, and feller-citizens, you don't, you can't, no man
+_can_ tell how I feel when--"
+
+Here Ike Turtle rose. "Squire Longbow," said Ike, "arn't it rather
+on-parliamentary to be speaking when you hain't got no secretary to take
+things down?"
+
+The Squire was thunderstruck. "No secretary!" he exclaimed, "no secretary!
+all void! but I'll appoint Sile Bates secretary _tunk pro nunck_ (nunc pro
+tunc), as we say in law, and that'll save proceedings--and as I was
+saying," continued the Squire, "no man can tell how I feel, pressed down as
+I am with the responsibility that you have thrown on to me." The Squire
+then took his seat.
+
+Ike Turtle rose again to state the object of the meeting. He said "he was
+an old residenter, and he had in fact grown up with the country. He had
+seed everything go ahead except edication. Taking out the President,
+members of the larned professions, the school-master, and the man who
+tended Clewes' grocery, there warn't hardly a person of edication left.
+Now," continued Ike, warming up, "this shouldn't orter be--we should all
+set about de _tar_ mined to do something ('Amen!' groaned Father Beals.)
+Why, if it looks dark, feller-citizens, remember the dark days of the
+revolution, when the soldiers went roaming about, with a piece of
+corn-bread in one hand, nothing in t'other, with ragged uniforms on, and
+little or no breeches, yet all the while busting with patriotism. Jest turn
+your eyes backwards on to them times, and you'll think you're in paradise.
+Something's got to be did for edication. We've got to have a Lyceum, a
+library, and lecters on all the subjects of the day. (Here 'Aunt Graves'
+gave a groan, as she expected all this would be accomplished by taxation.)
+Don't groan over yender," exclaimed Ike, "'taint right to groan at a new
+thing just a-starting--might as well groan down a child for fear he
+wouldn't be a man. Yes, they must be had--I say they must! or we'll all run
+to seed, and die. Why, Christopher Columbus, men and women, how many on you
+don't know your right hand from your left, scientifically speaking, and
+byme-by we shall go to ruin as old Nineveh did. Mr. President, I move that
+a collection be taken for the gineral purposes of this meeting."
+
+I was a little puzzled to determine whether Ike was serious or not. With
+all his eccentricities, he was a good citizen, and always put his shoulder
+to the public wheel. When he made his motion to take up a collection, a
+dead calm fell upon the audience. After a few moments, Sile Bates rose, and
+said,--
+
+He "hoped this 'spectable meeting warn't going to Peter-out."
+
+The calm continued. Squire Longbow stepped forward from his seat in the
+pulpit, and remarked that "he couldn't see what difference it would make a
+thousand years hence whether they did anything, or whether they didn't."
+
+A man from the country "didn't know what money had to do with edication."
+
+The Colonel said his pockets were "as dry as a powder-house."
+
+One old lady thought "somebody'd have to sign for her 'fore spring."
+
+Aunt Graves thought that "poor folks, who lived on bil'd vittels, hadn't
+orter be called on."
+
+The hat was, however, passed around, and three dollars and seventy-five
+cents raised, "for the gineral purposes of the meeting," according to Ike's
+motion; and I will say here that this amount was appropriated towards the
+purchase of books for the Puddleford library, which was established at this
+meeting, and which has now grown into usefulness and importance.
+
+The hat was reached up to the secretary, who gave it a couple of shakes,
+declaring at the same time, that he was "happy to say that the public
+spirit of Puddleford hadn't gin out yet."
+
+Squire Longbow then rose and said, that "some plan must be laid to get up a
+set of lecters. There were three great sciences, law, preaching, and
+physic--law consarned property, physic consarned the body, and preaching
+consarned the soul. These sciences must be scattered, so everybody could
+enjoy 'em. He could talk on law himself, and Bigelow could on preaching,
+and physic was understood, any way. There were other subjects which would
+come up in their order. There was paintin', and poetry, and music--but them
+warn't of no account in a new country where money was skase. Politics was
+one of the uncertain sciences, and it didn't do much good to speak on't,
+any how. A feller might study and study, and just likely as not the next
+election would blow him into fiddle-strings. Yet politics had got to be
+had, 'cause that was what kept the country alive, and made liberty grow.
+Old Gineral Washington himself had a little on't. He said 'twas one etarnal
+job to start edication, but jist get the thing a-goin once, and it'll move
+off like ile--it'll run rite off like a steam injin."
+
+Ike said "he know'd a curtain lecter or two might be had," looking round at
+Stub Bulliphant. "They warn't the worst kind nother. They'd bring a man all
+up standin', when nothin' else would. He'd seen a fellow cave right in
+under one on 'em, and come out as cow'd as a whipt spaniel. About lecterin'
+on politics, he didn't know. He guessed the bushes were a little too thick
+to talk on that, yet. He hoped the meetin' would speak right out, and
+'spress their feelin's, wimmin and all."
+
+Old Mrs. Fizzle had been watching the movement of this august body for some
+time, and had thought, several times, that it was her duty to speak. When
+Ike, therefore, invited "women and all," she concluded to try it. She was a
+tall, weasel-faced looking person, and belonged to Bigelow's church. She
+was an out-and-out temperance woman, and had kept all Puddleford hot by her
+efforts to put down the sale of intoxicating drinks. She was a fiery,
+nervous, active, good sort of a woman. Mrs. Fizzle rose. She said "she
+thought she would give this meetin' a piece of her mind, consarnin' things
+in general. She didn't know but the meetin' was well enough--she liked
+meetins--she said she didn't care nothin' about politics, never did her any
+good as she know'd on--she didn't want to hear any lecters any way 'bout
+that. If some on 'em would talk 'bout temperance, she'd turn out, and give
+a little something to help the cause along. She said if she really thought
+that this meetin' could stop Clewes from selling licker, she'd tend it
+reg'lar."
+
+"Certainly, ma'am," said Ike, rising, and turning his eyes towards Mrs.
+Fizzle. "We'll put a _ha_bus corpus on to him 'fore breakfast to-morrow
+morning."
+
+Mrs. Fizzle said, "she didn't know what that was, and she didn't care much,
+if 'twould only hold him tight."
+
+Ike said "it would hold him--couldn't break it no how--it was made by the
+law to catch just such chaps with."
+
+"Wal," said Mrs. Fizzle, "if the law made it, I'm 'fraid on't. I've hearn
+tell how folks creep through holes the law leaves. I don't like your
+scorpus, as you call it."
+
+Squire Longbow rose. "He felt it his duty to say, that a writ of habus
+scorpus would hold anything on airth. It was one of the biggest writs in
+all nater. He could hold all Clewes' grocery with one on 'em. He felt it
+his duty further to say this as a magistrate, who was bound by his oath to
+take care of the law."
+
+Mrs. Fizzle "thought that would do. She had great 'spect for the Squire's
+opinion--and she now thought she'd go in for the meetin'."
+
+Sile Bates said, "for his part, he thought the meetin' was getting a good
+deal mixed. 'Every tub orter stand on its own bottom,' as the Apostle Paul,
+Shakspeare, John Bunyan, or some other person said. We can't do everything
+all at onst; if we try, we can't make the Millennium come until 'tis time
+for't. We can kinder straighten up matters--hold onto the public morals a
+little more--and give edication a punch ahead. But who knows anything about
+the sciences in Puddleford? and who can lecter? 'When the blind lead the
+blind,' as the newspapers say, 'they all go head over heels into the
+ditch.' Great Caesar Augustus, Mr. President, jist think of a lecter on
+'stronomy, that _etarnal_ science, which no man can lay his hands on, which
+the human intellect gets at by figuring. Just think of Bigelow Van Slyck,
+Ike Turtle, or _you_, Mr. President, measuring the distance to the stars.
+Don't it make your head swim, to think on't? He wouldn't say that the
+Squire couldn't lay down the law for the people, 'cause he made most on't,
+and ought to know it by heart. (The Squire gave a loud cough, and
+straightened himself in his seat.) As for licker, he always _was_ agin it,
+that is, he never touch'd it except in haying, harvesting, husking, and
+occasionally, a little along, between, when he didn't feel right. He
+s'posed he was a strict temperance man--was secretary of a teetotal society
+once, but it died out for want of funds to keep up lights and fires. He
+hop'd this meetin' wouldn't get so much on its shoulders, as to break down
+'fore it got started."
+
+There were several more speeches and suggestions made. There were two or
+three on the floor at once, several times, during the progress of business.
+Order was out of the question. A course of lectures was finally decided
+upon, and the meeting adjourned. The reader will not forget that the end
+had in view by this rough, deliberate body was noble; and, in their own
+way, they moved along steadily towards it. Such a people do not forget
+their duty, however ludicrously the discharge of it may be at first.
+
+Looking back from the present, over a period of ten years, at the
+proceedings of this meeting and its results, I feel quite disposed to write
+down Squire Longbow, Ike Turtle, and Sile Bates, among the philanthropists
+of the age.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+     Social War.--Longbow, Turtle & Co.--Bird, Swipes, Beagle &
+     Co.--Mrs. Bird.--Mrs. Beagle.--Mrs. Swipes--Turkey and
+     Aristocracy.--Scandal.--Husking-bees, and "such like."--The
+     Calathumpian Band.--The Horse-fiddle.--The Giant
+     Trombone.--The Gyastacutas.--Tuning up.--Unparalleled
+     Effort.--Puddleford still a representative Place.
+
+
+I have taken the liberty, in the preceding chapters, to speak freely of
+some of the leading characters of Puddleford. I have alluded to Longbow,
+Turtle, and Bigelow, not because they were the only people of the village,
+or the best; but because they were the rudder of society, and steered it
+along in the same way that ships are guided over stormy waters. Now, there
+were a great many more very excellent folks, who helped chink in and fill
+up around these more important personages, and make up an harmonious whole.
+Zeke Bird, the blacksmith, was one; Tom Beagle, the shoemaker, another; Lem
+Swipes, the tailor, still another. These men were among the first settlers
+of Puddleford, and had done as much towards its up-building as any other.
+They had immigrated from a place in Ohio, and consequently knew something
+about the world. All three families were cousins, or second cousins, to one
+another, and they acted in unison upon any public or social question.
+
+They hated, with a supreme hatred, Longbow, Turtle & Co., because they
+were "aristocrats." Mrs. Bird, who was a very impulsive, peak-nosed sort of
+a woman, and who always wore a red flannel petticoat protruding beyond her
+dress, and her shoes slip-shod, used to often say, "that if there was
+anything she did despise it was a stick-up. She didn't believe old Mrs.
+Longbow, or any of her darters, were any better than common folks; and
+she'd see the whole pack on 'em pumpin' lightning at two cents a clap,
+before she'd skrouch to 'em!"
+
+Mrs. Beagle was quite a different body. She was not so full of fire and
+fury as Mrs. Bird. She didn't allow her feelings to get the advantage of
+her malice. She moved more underground; yet she was always busy pecking
+away at that "up-street clique," as she called them.
+
+Mrs. Beagle was a neat, tidy body, and wore an air of great sincerity about
+her face. She used to say that "nothing grieved her _so much_ as to be
+compelled to believe anything bad 'bout her neighbors," and that "she never
+spoke of nothing till it got all over, and there warn't no use of holding
+in any longer." She made it her business to watch the morals and religion
+of all the Longbows, and Turtleses, and Bateses, and report accordingly.
+She said "she didn't know but it was all right for a member of the
+Methodist church, like Miss Lavinia Turtle, to wear three bows to her
+bonnet on Sunday--she didn't _know_--she warn't going to say--'haps she
+hadn't orter say--but the way _she_ looked at religion, 'twas as wicked as
+Cain--for herself, she made no pretensions, but when folks did, she wanted
+to see 'em lived up to." She said, "she meant to have Mrs. Bates turned out
+of the church for riding out on Sunday, for she'd seen her several times
+with her own eyes, six miles from town; but she wouldn't speak of it, if
+it warn't such a scandal on her profession;" besides, she had it from good
+authority, that "she water'd her milk 'fore she sold it, but she wouldn't
+say who told her, 'cause she promised not to."
+
+Mrs. Swipes was a fat, blouzy-faced, coarse, ignorant woman, and revenged
+herself by firing bombshells into the aristocratic camp every opportunity
+she could get, and cared but little what she said, or whom she hit, if she
+could only keep the enemy stirred up. "She'd heard that Mrs. Longbow's
+father got into jail once down in Pennsylvania, and that the hull batch on
+'em were as poor as Job's turkey; and that the old Squire himself had a
+pretty tight nip on't; but his friends bailed him out, and he lean'd for
+the west. As for Mrs. Bates, she _knew_ she'd lie, right flat out--she'd
+catch'd her dozens of times; and, of course, Lavinia couldn't be any
+better--for as the old cock crows, the young one learns. She wouldn't swap
+characters with any on 'em, not she."
+
+The husbands of these ladies thought just about as much of Longbow & Co. as
+their wives did. They were an indolent trio, and labored only enough to
+keep soul and body together. The rest of their time was devoted to the
+"Eagle tavern," street-lounging, and commentaries upon the daily
+developments of the aristocracy. Each one of the families of these cliques
+were social centres, around which others revolved, and drew all their light
+and heat. And then there were still other families, away down below the
+Birds and Beagles in the scale of respectability, who were ever warring
+upon _them_, proving
+
+    "That fleas have other fleas to bite 'em,
+    And so on, _ad infinitum_."
+
+I recollect attending a party, one evening during the winter, at Bird's,
+when the aristocracy took a regular broadside fire. It seemed that Longbow,
+some days previous, had a turkey on his table for dinner, which roused up
+all the wrath of his adversaries. Mrs. Bird said, "she really s'posed that
+he thought poor people couldn't have such things; but she'd let him know
+she'd lived on' turkeys before he ever know'd there was such a thing--and
+she had good sass with 'em too. Mrs. Longbow," she said, "cooked it for
+nothing in the world but to make her knuckle to her; but she'd never give
+in as long as _she_ drew the breath of life--that she wouldn't!"
+
+Mrs. Sonora Brown said, "that warn't all--Longbow had bo't a bran new
+carpet for down-stairs, and used sales-molasses for common, eenamost every
+day--and the clark in Clewes' grocery had got a goin' arter Lavinny every
+night--and Mrs. Longbow had got mift at Mrs. Weazel, because Weazel said he
+wouldn't stand any more of Longbow's decisions--and they'd got a burning
+sperm ile in the house instead-er taller--and they were a puttin' on the
+drefulest sight of airs, old woman and all, that ever was seen."
+
+Mrs. Beagle said "it was all true about the ile--she see'd it burn through
+the winder--and she'd seen a great many more things through the winder--but
+she warn't a going to tell what they were!"
+
+Mrs. Sonora Brown threw up her hands in horror, and said, "she had always
+suspected it, but darsn't say so."
+
+"O, shaw!" exclaimed Mrs. Beagle; "that's nothing to Bates' wife; she walks
+out arm-in-arm in broad daylight with her cousin that's been sneaking round
+there on a visit." She said, "Puddleford used to be a 'spectable village,
+but there warn't any morals any more since these high-flyers had got into
+it--and she guess'd Bates' wife was flaring out, and trading at the stores
+as much as Longbow."
+
+Mr. Bird very grumly said, "he'd better hold in, for if he didn't _hist_ a
+little note he had again' him 'fore long, he'd sue him to judgment, and
+_level_ an execution on everything he had, and clean him out."
+
+A yellow-looking woman, who sat in the corner, and who had just before
+remarked that "she'd had the shakin' ager onto her all winter," wanted to
+know if "the new _mar_chant was going to jine the upper crust, or be one of
+our folks."
+
+It was not long, however, before all were rattling away together, so that
+nothing but the emphatic words could be distinguished. Artillery,
+fire-arms, and all, were blazing. Such a scorching as the aristocracy
+received had hardly ever been equalled.
+
+Longbow & Co. did not care for their enemies. They rather felt proud of the
+notice bestowed upon them. Ike Turtle used to say, "'twas fun to stand and
+take the fire of fools;" but Squire Longbow's dignity was so profound, that
+he never permitted himself to know that there was really any war going on.
+
+Society in the country, among the farmers, was quite another thing.
+Puddleford village _had_ a country, and village pride looked down upon it,
+just as it does in larger places. The amusements and frolics of the country
+were more simple and hearty. In the winter, husking-bees, apple-parings,
+and house-warmings were held every week at some of the farm-houses. Great
+piles of corn were stacked up in barn, the girls and boys invited in for
+miles around, long poles run through strung with lanterns, and the husking
+rushed through, 'mid songs and jokes. Then all hands adjourned to the
+house, and drank "hot stuff," ate nuts, and played games, and stormed
+around, until they started the very shingles on the roof; while the great
+fireplace, piled up with logs into the very throat of the chimney, shook
+its shadows around the room in defiance of the winds that roared without.
+
+Now and then the country quality held a regular blow-out at Bulliphant's
+tavern. On these occasions, dancing commenced at two in the afternoon, and
+ended at daylight next morning. Dry goods and perfumery suffered about
+those days. The girls and boys dressed their hair with oil of cinnamon and
+wintergreen, and the Eagle smelt like an essence shop. It fairly
+overpowered the stench of Bulliphant's whiskey-bottles. Every one rigged
+out to within an inch of their lives. The girls wore ruffles on their
+pantalets frizzled down over their shoes, nearly concealing the whole foot;
+and all kinds and colors of ribbons streamed from their heads and waists.
+The "boys" mounted shirt-collars without regard to expense, and flaunted
+out their brass breast-pins, two or more to each, with several feet of
+watch-chain jingling in front. The landlord of the Eagle termed these
+gatherings his "winter harvest."
+
+Another amusement, frequent in the country, was the turnout of the
+"Calathumpian Band." The band, I am aware, did not originate with
+Puddleford. Newly-married couples were serenaded before it ever had an
+existence there. But _this_ band was one of the very finest specimens. No
+one knew exactly who its members were; but they were always on hand, soon
+after a wedding, in full uniform, with all their instruments in order. It
+was organized when the country was very new, and was, at the period I refer
+to, in the highest state of prosperity.
+
+One of its instruments was called the "horse-fiddle;" another the "giant
+trombone;" another the "_gyastacutas_." The "horse-fiddle" was two enormous
+bows, made of hoops, heavily stringed and rosined, with a beef-bladder,
+fully inflated, pushed between the string and the bow. The "great trombone"
+was a dry goods box, turned bottom-side up, and was played upon with a
+scantling eight or ten feet long. The edge of the box and the scantling
+were rosined, and it was worked by two men sawing up and down. The
+"gyastacutas" was a nail keg, with a raw hide strained over it, like a
+drum-head, and inside of the keg, attached to the centre of this drum-head,
+a string hung, with which this instrument was worked by pulling in the
+string and "let fly."
+
+Besides all these, the band were supplied with dinner horns, conch-shells,
+sleigh-bells, and sometimes guns and pistols.
+
+It assembled, usually about eleven o'clock at night, around the quarters of
+the newly-married couple, and within a day or two after marriage. Its
+members were dressed up like an army of scare-crows. Some wore their shirts
+outside, some their coats and vests buttoned behind, and some were attired
+in female dress. Its leader marched and countermarched this strange medley,
+and announced and conducted all the music. The band never moved without
+orders--it was thoroughly disciplined.
+
+The instruments were first put in tune. The trombone gave out a low and
+heavy growl--the "gyastacutas," a bung! the horse-fiddle sullenly
+replied--a chink-chink from a few pairs of bells, and a toot-e-toot from
+the horns and shells, showed the blast was near at hand.
+
+And such a blast! The infernal regions could not equal it. It roared and
+echoed for miles around. It fairly tore out the inside of one's head. The
+cows bellowed and the dogs barked, honestly believing that the dissolution
+of all things was at hand. The whole surrounding population roused up, for
+no person pretended to sleep when the Great Calathumpian Band was
+assembled.
+
+The reader must not suppose that this band was a mere congregation of boys.
+Not by any means; it was one of the institutions of the country--one of the
+public amusements of the day, and was patronized by young and old. Men had
+lived and died members of the Calathumpian Band, and are remembered in
+Puddleford for this, if nothing else.
+
+It is said that the songs and the amusements of a people determine their
+character. If this be true, the reader can judge something of the country
+population about Puddleford from the little sketch I have given of them.
+The amusements of the villagers themselves were quite miscellaneous. The
+"aristocracy," as Bird & Co. termed them, gathered every night at the
+Eagle, where they played cards, checkers, backgammon, made bets, discussed
+the affairs of the nation and the private affairs of their neighbors, drank
+a little whiskey, and went home at eleven or twelve o'clock deeply
+impressed with their own importance. Bulliphant's bar-room was their
+centre of gravity, and it was a matter of deep concern, if any member of
+the club was not found in his accustomed place. Longbow, Turtle, and Bates
+had actually unseated several pairs of pantaloons on the landlord's chairs,
+which proved clearly enough that _they_ were faithful members.
+
+Important business was transacted by this club. It made all the justices of
+the peace, constables, school inspectors, &c., &c., and was a controlling
+clique, in all political matters, within the township.
+
+The reader discerns that Puddleford, in most respects, was like other
+places. It had its divisions in society, its importance, its pomp and show,
+and relatively speaking, its aristocracy. It played through the same farce
+in a small way that larger places do on a more extended plan. Longbow felt
+just as omnipotent, walking up and down the streets of Puddleford, as the
+tallest grandee treading a city pavement. The scale of greatness was not as
+long in his village, but he stood as high on it as any other man in the
+world on his--and so long as he headed his own scale, it mattered but
+little to him where the "rest of mankind" were.
+
+It must have been a very remarkable character who once said, "human nature
+is always the same"--that the only difference in human pride and folly is
+one of degree. And I really hope there are none of my readers who feel
+disposed to look down upon Puddleford with contempt, because I have
+presented a few personages who have innocently caricatured what others
+daily practise, who have been polished in the very laboratory of fashion.
+Puddleford ought not, for that reason, to be condemned.
+
+It seems to me that it may, on the contrary, be a lesson to such, _because_
+it makes a burlesque of itself in chasing folly. Puddleford is a great
+looking-glass, which reflects the faces of almost every person who looks
+into it, and proves, what that remarkable character said, "that human
+nature is always the same."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+     Puddleford and Politics.--Higgins against Wiggins.--The
+     Candidates' Personale.--Their Platforms.--Delicate
+     Questions.--Stump Speaking.--Wiggins on
+     Higgins.--Impertinent Interruptions.--Higgins on
+     Wiggins.--Ike Turtle not dead yet.--Commotion.--Squire
+     Longbow restores Order.--Grand Stroke of Policy.--The Roast
+     Ox at Gillett's Corners.
+
+
+Puddleford was famous for its political excitements, and so indeed is a new
+country generally. Its people watched the altar of liberty with an "eternal
+vigilance." The qualifications of all persons, from a candidate for the
+presidency down to township constable, were thoroughly canvassed by the
+electors. What might be a qualification for office in Puddleford, might
+disqualify in another region, but we cannot expect that all men will think
+alike. We must not forget that office meant something in Puddleford--that
+it conferred honor on the man, whether the man conferred honor on it or
+not. A highway commissioner, or overseer of the poor, was a character
+looked up to, and a supervisor or justice were the oracles of their
+neighborhood.
+
+The merits and demerits of candidates were freely discussed at public
+meetings, held most usually in the open air, and composed of all parties.
+Aspirants for public favor, who were opposed to each other, met and made
+and answered arguments. All things in the "heavens above and the earth
+beneath," were raked up and presented at these gatherings. The creation of
+the world--Adam and Eve--Cain--Jerusalem--Greece and Rome--the revolution,
+and the last war, were dragged into speeches, and made material for
+electioneering.
+
+In the fall, subsequently to my settlement, Higgins ran against Wiggins for
+member of the legislature. It was said that this was one of the most
+exciting contests that Puddleford ever experienced. Every man, woman, and
+child were enlisted. The "Higgins" men didn't speak to the "Wiggins" men,
+nor the "Wiggins" men to the "Higgins" men, for more than two months, and
+the opposing families absolutely refused to visit.
+
+Wiggins was a little, waspish man, who lived in the country, and was called
+a "forehanded" farmer. He had been a justice of the peace in Cattaraugus
+county, State of New York, and thought as much of himself as he did of any
+other person living. He had a small, withered face, which looked like a
+frost-bitten apple, red hair, and a quick, restless eye. He was a violent
+politician, a shrewd manager, had a keen insight of human nature, some
+humor; and was and always had been a red-hot democrat. He rafted lumber for
+several years on the Susquehanna, where he received the greater part of his
+education. He could write his name, and had been known to attempt a letter,
+but no one was ever yet found who could read his correspondence. His
+orthography was decidedly bad. He spelled in a sort of short-hand way,
+which was not so objectionable, after all, as his language usually conveyed
+the pronunciation of the words intended. "Il" was used for "ile" or "oil;"
+"hos" stood for "horse;" "kanderdit for ofis," for "candidate for office,"
+and so on. His extemporaneous speaking was quite tolerable, and it was this
+gift which _had_ given him notoriety.
+
+Higgins was a man much after the sort of Wiggins, in many respects, though
+not altogether. He was a violent whig, and talked incessantly about his
+"glorious party." He was a large, tall, broad-breasted fellow, ignorant,
+cunning, and cut something of a swagger wherever he went. He drank whiskey,
+chewed a paper of fine-cut every day, read the newspapers, cursed the
+locofocos, prognosticated the downfall of the country, and pledged himself
+to die game, let what would happen.
+
+These candidates for office had a "platform," a part of which was intended
+for Puddleford, and a part for their common country--some planks of which
+were thrown in merely to catch votes, and some for future fame. Wiggins
+said he was for "giving immortal man full swing inter all things, and
+letting his natur fly loose like the winds." He was "for driving the
+American eagle inter every land, whether she'd go or not." He was "for a
+railroad and canal straight thro' Puddleford, to be built by the state,
+under the penalty of a revolution." He was "agin rich men everywhere, for
+they trampled down the poor." He was "for upsetting Longbow and his clique,
+and declared he would bring in a bill, if elected, that would blow the
+whole set out of sight." He was for "easy times," "plenty of cash," "little
+or no work," "good crops," and everything else the people wanted.
+
+Higgins was for "breaking down, and scat'ring locofocos everywhere." He
+went "for everything that's right, and agin everything that's wrong." He
+was for "beating Wiggins." He could "show that he hadn't patriotism enough
+to keep the breath warm in a four year old child! there warn't a spark of
+American glory in him. He wanted to sell out the whole country to the
+British, and would if elected! Besides, he kicked up a fuss in Bigelow's
+church, about the doctrines preached, and damaged religion." Higgins, it
+seemed to me, based his success upon the supposed unpopularity of Wiggins,
+and not upon any political principles of his own, while Wiggins relied upon
+the great fundamental truths that were shadowed forth in his platform.
+
+There were other questions which agitated the populace of Puddleford and
+its county, such as the sale of liquor, the removal of the Indians, &c.,
+&c., which both Higgins and Wiggins touched very tenderly, because it
+became necessary to advocate both sides, sometimes for and sometimes
+against, according to the views of those persons who happened at the time
+to be soliciting information.
+
+During the fall, I had the pleasure of hearing these two rival aspirants
+for office define their position before the people. The gathering was in a
+grove, very large for a new country, and made up of men, women, and
+children. Flags and inscriptions were flying here and there, some for
+Higgins and some for Wiggins, and every person was as brimful of patriotism
+as he could hold.
+
+Wiggins rose, and presented himself on a high platform that had been
+erected for the occasion, pulled up his collar, buttoned his coat, coughed
+a few times, and then took a leisurely survey of the crowd. "Feller
+citizens! men and women!" said he, "there is going to be an election, and
+I'm a-goin to run for office. Not that I care anything about the office
+itself, for I don't, a tinker's ladle, but I want to beat Higgins, who
+never ought to be trusted with the liberties of any people, and I'm willing
+to sacrifice something to do it. Feller citizens! I want to have you
+recollect where Higgins lives--at 'Satan's Half Acre!'--where they don't
+have any Fourth of July; no Sunday school, only about two months a year;
+and the same place, feller citizens, where they mobbed the temperance
+lecturer, and swore they'd drink streak-lightning if they were a-min-to!
+(Great applause, and cheers for Wiggins, mingled with oaths and hisses from
+Higgins' friends.) Feller citizens, Higgins is a leading man there, and
+accountable for all this; and if he is elected, we shall indorse all these
+doings."--A man from the "Half Acre," one of Higgins' friends, rose, and
+said he'd take the liberty of saying that was an "in_far_nal lie." Wiggins
+replied, by inquiring "if the meeting would see free discussion gagged
+down, here, in the presence of the immortal Washington, who, he hoped, was
+looking down on-to us!" whereupon the unfortunate man was pitched,
+headlong, out of the crowd. "Arter having looked at where Higgins lives,"
+continued Wiggins, "look at Higgins himself! what is he? what does he know?
+what can he do? Why, feller citizens, he was born down somewhere in a place
+so small, that it ain't on the map, and started life by tending a
+lime-kiln; but he broke down in this business, and was discharged. He next
+tried to go to school, but there warn't any class low down enough to get
+him into. He then tried hoss doct'ring; and you, feller citizens, know when
+a man turns out good-for-nothing, he goes rite into the larned
+professions. He tried hoss doct'ring! and, after laying out ten or a dozen
+of those noble animals inter the cold embrace of death (applause), he ran
+away to get rid of a summons that was clus arter him! Then he fiddled for a
+while winters, and laid off summers; then he druv stage, then he got-tor-be
+captain of a raft, his first office; but he stranded her, and she's never
+been got off yet. At last, he went to 'Satan's Half Acre,' where he thinks
+he ain't known, and actually, feller citizens, has the impudence to come up
+for office. (Great applause.)
+
+"Now," continued Wiggins, "having disposed of Higgins, I am going to launch
+out on the great political questions of the day--questions that swell up in
+me, and fairly make me tremble all over, to think on. We've a mighty sight
+to do, to take care of them liberties that was 'queathed to us by Gen'ral
+Washington, jest before he died. The old hero know'd he was a-going, but
+afore he went, he give us our liberty, and said all that he asked on us was
+to take care on it, and not let anybody steal or coax it away from us, but
+always hold on to it like a dog to a root. If it hadn't been for our
+party," exclaimed Wiggins, in a loud voice, "that great American eagle that
+has flew'd so long, and kivered our juvenil' years with his wings--that
+eagle, feller citizens, that sleeps on the ragin tornado, and warms himself
+in the sun--_that_ eagle, I say--_that_ eagle! eagle! would now be as dead
+as a smelt, lying on his back, a-groaning for help. (Great applause, and
+three cheers.) (Wiggins said he hoped the audience would hold in their
+manifestations of applause as much as they could, as it scattered his
+thoughts.) The fust whig," continued Wiggins, "that we have any notis' on
+in his'try, is the old feller with tail and horns, who goes to and fro, up
+and down the airth; and he, you know, stole all-er Job's property, killed
+off his children, and came pretty near killing the old man himself. The
+next was John Adams, who didn't want anybody to come into the country, nor
+say nothing after they had got here. He, feller citizens, was for exploding
+all the glories of natur, and drying up the e_tar_nal fountains of hope and
+consolation--for turning man back again into the regions of confusion,
+where all is night and misery! (Very great applause, followed by a flight
+of hats in the air.) The next whig was everybody that supported old John,
+such as Higgins and his party.
+
+"Now, feller citizens, what's the reason you hain't got any more money?
+It's because the laws ain't right. Man was born to have enough of
+everything. This is a big world we live in--it ram'fys itself all round the
+'quator, and its mountains diversify themselves into infinity. You own your
+part on't just as much as the greatest nabob; and all you've got to do is
+to stand up to the rack, vote for true men, and you'll get it; and it's
+your duty to rise in your wrath, break the chains of oppression, and
+declare that you'll never lay down the sword until the last enemy is
+routed." (More applause.) Here a solemn-faced man rose, and asked Wiggins
+to define himself on the "licker question." "Thank you, sir," replied
+Wiggins--"was just comin' to that." "The licker question--the licker
+question," continued Wiggins, speaking with gravity, for there was a great
+division of opinion among his hearers on that subject--"the licker
+question, feller citizens, is a _great_ question. Some people drink, some
+don't--some drink a little, some a good deal. The licker question is a
+question that a great many folks talk about. _I_ talk about it myself, and"
+(the same man rose again, and ask'd Wiggins if he would "vote agin licker?"
+Wiggins said "it throw'd him off his balance, to be disturb'd in public
+speaking")--"everybody know'd how he stood on that pint--he'd never
+chang'd; he stood where his forefathers did; he went the whole hog on the
+licker question"--("Which side?" inquired the man.) "Which side? which
+side?" ejaculated Wiggins: "do you wanter trammel up a free and
+in_der_pendent citizen of this mighty republic! How do I know, _here_, what
+I shall be called upon to vote _for_ or _agin_! Ask me to say I'll vote
+agin something that hain't come up yet! When David knocked over the great
+giant Goliah, do you 'spose he knew just where he'd throw the stone to hit
+him." "Yes-sir-ee," exclaimed Higgins, springing on his feet "he did that
+very thing." Wiggins "hoped order would be preserved. I shall leave to the
+expansive development of the times," continued Wiggins, his arms flying
+like a windmill, "the blazing energies of the day, and cling to the
+constitution till it goes out inter the expiring regions of oblivion."
+(Three cheers were given.)
+
+Wiggins sat down, evidently quite exhausted; and I noticed that he had made
+a decided impression. Higgins rose, stripped off his coat and vest, rolled
+up his shirt-sleeve, stuffed a quarter-paper of tobacco into his cheek, and
+"ascended the platform." He said he was a humble citizen, and warn't com'd
+of rich or larned folks--he _had_ tended lime-kiln--he _had_ doctor'd
+hosses--he _had_ druv stage; and he was goin' to drive and doctor a
+jackass. (Much cheering.) He had always _worked_ for his living. He'd give
+five dollars to any man who'd tell him where Wiggins _was_ born, or show
+that he ever did anything. _He_ lived on the sweat, and the blood, and the
+brains of the people. He'd tended grocery, peddled calickers, try'd to talk
+law once, and was now on a farm, just for appearance' sake. For himself, he
+was a humble link in the great whig chain. (Ike Turtle said he s'posed he
+was that link called the _swivel_.) Higgins, with an affected pleasantry,
+asked Turtle "how long it was since he run'd away from the State of New
+York, for debt?" Turtle replied, that "Wiggins ought to know, for he was
+along with him"--whereupon a tremendous shout was raised in favor of
+Turtle. Higgins rallied and proceeded. He said "he warn't goin' to talk
+about the devil, and John Adams--he didn't know nothing about either on
+'em--it was entirely agin his religion to speak of such things before such
+a 'spectable audience. (Some sensation.) What he wanted to do was, to carry
+the great, _etar_-nal, glorious principles of his party rite strait inter
+every mortal being, and save the country, which now lies bleeding at its
+last gasp." (Ike asked Higgins to "throw him down a bundle of them
+principles, and if they suited him, he'd take a few.")
+
+Somebody told Turtle to sit down, whereupon Turtle appealed to the crowd,
+and inquired if they'd see a citizen gagged down. ("No! no!" was the
+reply.)
+
+Higgins went on. He said Wiggins warn't so near straight on the licker
+question as his yaller dog at hum, for his dog never got drunk, and Wiggins
+did, sometimes. ("That's a lie!" exclaimed Wiggins.) "Of course he'll deny
+it, feller citizens--I would, if I was in his place--but I, feller
+citizens, without fear of man, not caring about an election, step forth,
+and say to you all, in the full blaze of day, that _I'll do all for the
+cause that lies in my power_, having in view the interests of everybody in
+this republic." (Applause.)
+
+Higgins said that "he was sorry to see such a man as Wiggins trying to
+quote scripter to this audience--a man, feller citizens, is Wiggins--who
+don't know whether David was the son of Goliah, or Goliah the son of
+David--a man who don't know whether Paul wrote the book of Genesis, or
+Genesis the book of Paul--a swearin' man, feller citizens; and yet he talks
+about Goliah throwing stones at David. (Wiggins wished to correct
+Higgins--it was the other way--David threw the stone at Goliah.)
+Howsomever," continued Higgins, "he talks about the stones _bein' thrown_,
+and uses the scripters in this way; and arn't it a vile way, feller
+citizens, to catch your votes--to run himself into the legislater with,
+where he can knock over the liberties of the country, and make the green
+fields a howlin' waste again!" (This was followed by very great applause.)
+
+After the applause ceased, Ike Turtle rose with gravity, and reaching forth
+a bottle towards Higgins, inquired if "he wouldn't _have a little_, as
+natur couldn't bear up long under such rackin' thoughts."
+
+Higgins said he didn't believe this free and highly moral and religus
+audience would long stand a party who'd throw a jug of licker inter their
+faces.
+
+Turtle replied that it was a mere experiment. He bro't it on pur_pos_ to
+see if there was _any_ place where Wiggins _wouldn't_ drink. (This raised a
+shout.)
+
+Wiggins retorted by saying that "he never had made a walking grocery of
+himself." (Much laughter.)
+
+Turtle "didn't know about that--if he did he carried it _inside_." The
+whole meeting finally got into a commotion, each party taking sides. Squire
+Longbow set up a hue and cry, "In the name of the people of ----," and
+order was restored. I heard him say, after the crowd had become quiet,
+"that the constitution guaranteed talking, and altho' he was on t'other
+side in politics, he must say, as a magistrate, that it guaranteed Higgins
+the floor, as the great Story decided in his chapter on rows and mobs."
+
+Higgins bowed to Squire Longbow, and proceeded. "I'm not goin' to say much
+more, and, finally, feller citizens," he continued, "I won't say any more.
+The audience is _so_ intelligent, understand so well all the principles of
+gov'ment, from Noah's family that sailed inter the ark, down to the
+remotest possibility of futer gen'rations--have so weigh'd everything
+'longing to 'em, before the morning stars sang, and dirgested it by
+piece-meal--that it would be an everlasting insult for _me_ to attempt to
+talk furder--and in conclusion I will say: Three cheers for the dying
+heroes who got our freedom, and who now lie a-sleeping on the shores of
+glory!" (Tremendous applause, accompanied by cheers and swinging of hats.)
+
+I have given, I believe, the substance of the first two speeches, but these
+were only introductory to those that followed. It was expected, when the
+meeting opened, that the speaking would occupy most of the day, and the
+specimens which I have reported were merely straws thrown out to determine
+which way the wind blew. The real questions at issue were dexterously
+dodged by sallies of wit and flights of unmeaning bombast.
+
+Wiggins mounted the stand again, and spoke for an hour. He told a large
+number of humorous stories, and turned their point against Higgins--then he
+sailed away into the clouds astride a burst of nonsense--then he came down
+again. At one time, while Wiggins was "cavorting in the upper regions," as
+Turtle called it, Sile Bates, who was a whig, started to his feet, and
+placing his closed hand to one eye, and cocking the other, he stared away
+after him, as earnestly as if he were just passing out of sight. Higgins
+followed, and the speaking was kept up, alternately, until about four
+o'clock in the afternoon, when the meeting closed, without either Higgins
+or Wiggins defining their position, or saying one word indicative of their
+future political course.
+
+Just as the meeting closed, Ike Turtle, who was the real political manager
+on the part of the democratic party, rushed up to the speakers' stand, and
+swinging his hat round, cried out at the top of his lungs, "Feller
+citizens! The democratic party, knowin' that the speaking would last a good
+while, and that natur might become exhausted in listenin' and 'tendin' to
+the duties of our common country, have prepared a roasted ox, down at
+'Gillett's Corners' with all the fixins, where we want you all to go, whigs
+and democrats, both Higgins and Wiggins, and particularly the ladies, who
+have turned out so nobly--and the young folks can have a dance in the
+evenin' if they wish."
+
+Here was a stroke of management worth all the speeches of the day. No one
+suspected that there was a dinner in preparation, and when Ike made the
+announcement, there was a shout that came from the heart, and made the
+woods ring. And the meeting adjourned to "Gillett's Corners."
+
+Several other public political gatherings were held, and a very large
+amount of breath, time, and eloquence were expended; but the result was the
+election of Wiggins by a tremendous majority, and I do not now recollect of
+hearing of an allusion, by him, in the legislature, to any of those
+"leading measures" that occupied his thoughts on the "stump."
+
+I believe, after all, that the country was very well represented. Wiggins
+used about as much gas and deception in securing his seat as a New York
+politician, but not any more; but after he had obtained it, he felt and
+acted like a representative of the people, who had a reputation of his own
+to sustain. When I say "well represented," I mean that _he did no
+harm_--nor any good either--but always voted right on party questions,
+because his name began with W, and was nearly the last called--if it had
+begun with A, he would have ruined himself, and perhaps his country--so
+true it is that a man's fame or infamy may hang by a single thread.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+     Winter upon us.--The Roosters in the early Morning.--The
+     Blue-Jays and the Squirrels.--The Improvident Turkey.--The
+     Domestic Hearth, and who occupied it.--The Old Dog.--The
+     Blessed Old Mail-Horse.--The Newspapers.--Our
+     Come-to-Tea.--Mrs. Brown, her Arrival and
+     Experiences.--Entree of Bird, Beagles & Co.--Conflicting
+     Elements, and how Ike Turtle assimilated all.--Gratifying
+     Consequences.
+
+
+My little family, that I have spoken of, were quietly nestled away in the
+log hut, and winter was now upon us. The days came and went, and were
+marked by light and darkness, and our own domestic joys. There were no
+startling events to disturb any person's serenity--no rise or fall of
+stocks--no fires--no crashes in business--no downfall of pride--no bustle
+in the streets about the latest news--no nothing. The world moved on as
+monotonous as the tick-tick of a clock.
+
+The gray of each morning was first heralded by a famous rooster, which I
+had imported from the east. He blew his clarion voice at about four, and I
+used to lie and hear its echoes wander away off through the streets of
+Puddleford, until they finally expired in the wilderness. He was usually
+answered by some half-awakened cock, whose drowsy, smothered crow was quite
+ludicrous. Then he would give another blast--and get, usually, a snappish
+answer from some quarter, saying as well as it could be said--"Well, I
+know it--what of it?" Pretty soon, a braggadocio fellow would belch forth
+in a coarse, sullen strain--"I've been-up-these-_two_-hours." This was
+followed, often, by the cracked voice of some nervous old fellow, away in
+another direction, declaring, "I rather guess you _h--a--i--n--t_." And so
+one after another, strain was added to strain, until the whole orchestra
+were blowing their horns in the face of opening day.
+
+At sunrise, the blue-jays and other birds gathered about the door and
+garden, to pick the dry seeds that the weeds were shedding on the earth.
+What are snow birds? Where do they live? See them chirping in yonder ray of
+sunlight--darting hither and thither, like motes in a beam of light. See
+them go whirling through the tempest, like angel spirits, beautiful in the
+very midst of the storm. What are they? Do they sleep on the wings of the
+wind, or hide themselves in a scroll of snow? How is it that these little
+singing harps live on amid such dreary scenes? The blue-jays, however, were
+very petulant. Their gorgeous summer plumage was exceedingly mussed, and
+they went about from bush to bush, and tree to tree, screaming and fretting
+at each other and themselves. They acted like so many Siberian prisoners,
+who were forced to brave the blasts as the penalty of some crime they had
+committed.
+
+Sometimes, a keen, frosty night would be succeeded by a still, sunny day,
+when the eaves pattered their sleepy music, and the cows strayed away into
+the forest, as though they smelt approaching spring--when the cats flew out
+of the house, and chased each other up into the trees, and the dog went
+away by himself, wandering along the river-banks for reasons known only to
+himself.
+
+These were visiting days, holidays, jubilee days, for those animals that
+were housed in trees, and burrowed in the earth. Go forth into the woods.
+You may, on such a day, see the squirrel push out his head from the door of
+his castle, where he has been confined for a month, and cautiously look
+over the landscape--then dart in again. Soon he pushes himself out farther,
+and farther, and timidly glides down to the foot of the tree. Then he tries
+the snow, and then again, and finally goes cantering to the nearest stump,
+and chirruping, up he goes with a flirt, throws his tail over his back,
+sits down, and breaks forth into a burst of song.
+
+Do you believe that squirrel remembers his last summer rambles in those
+woods--yon rivulet where he drank, now sleeping beneath its silver
+frost-work, and chanting its low, muffled dirge--yon icy knoll, that stood,
+last June, a pyramid of flowers--yon hickory where he harvested his nuts?
+Is his song for the present or the past?
+
+Look a little farther--the solemn tread of the turkey--who is busy
+disinterring some of the buried mast of autumn. Such a day is a bright page
+in the winter life of the turkey. She comes forth from beneath the roots of
+upturned trees, from thickets or hollow logs, where she has been so long
+cowering and starving, to hail the blessed warmth. She dreamed away the
+summer, stalking about from wood to stream, and stream to wood--she passed
+the provident squirrel often, in October, and saw him roll in his winter
+stores, but she didn't know why; and now she is shovelling the snow,
+scattering it right and left with her feet, with a melancholy twit! twit!
+to get a kernel of bread.
+
+Farther on is a little gorge sloping up from the brook, and on such days
+the snows melt off, and the banks grow warm, and the green grass shines as
+brightly as it did in May. It is soft and spring-like _there_. The sunbeams
+seem to be all tangled together in that spot. There are clusters of winter
+birds sporting in this temple, and occasionally one breaks forth with a
+note or two of her last June's song, as though she were just twanging her
+harp to try its strings. They think those tangled sunbeams are the footfall
+of April, and so they chirrup, and flutter, and bow to them, and seem to
+ask where gentle May is, and when she is coming with her music and flowers.
+
+Sometimes the fog from the river would freeze upon the trees during a
+night, and the sun would rise upon a forest all burst out into a white
+bloom. As the sun rose higher, the little particles glittered and flashed,
+and then it was a forest of silver--every shrub, every bush, every tree,
+was silver. The woods were a frozen poem--written in a night by invisible
+fingers, to be read for an hour or two, and then scattered away in shining
+scales, forever. These natural changes and beauties were all that there
+were to attract attention, and arrest our out-door thoughts. How different
+is all this from the life of a resident of some large city--where the life
+of a man is read in the street--and where each day shifts its pictures with
+its revolution, like the changing colors of a kaleidoscope!
+
+In-doors, however, was the domestic hearth. There were joys there that knew
+no winter. Wife and children--how many? I said _three_--but were there not
+more? There was the babe, the creeping infant, the tottering child, in
+each. The portraits of half a dozen children were daguerreotyped on my soul
+as I looked at one. But a part were dead!--the babe had died in the infant,
+and the infant in the child--not died, either, but one grace had faded
+into another, one beauty had risen upon the ruins of another, until the
+child was born where the infant perished, we know not when nor how. Instead
+of two, I always felt that I had a family of little ones about me.
+
+And then, that old dog that had been with us for years, and shared our
+fortunes and misfortunes, always the same, under all circumstances--he was
+one of the family. He used to pioneer the children a half a mile to school,
+and wag his tail, and bid them "good morning," as he left them at the door.
+He was also there in waiting, at night, to escort them home again. He used
+to walk around, over the farm, and examine this thing and that, as though
+he was half proprietor of the premises. He used to sleep during the long
+winter evenings by the fire, his nose between his fore paws, his hind legs
+stretched out full length, and dream of scouring the woods--first a tremor!
+then a twitch! then a bark, and a leap! and looking up, and finding all a
+sham, away he would walk under the table, overwhelmed with mortification.
+
+This dog never made any acquaintance among the Puddlefordians, nor _their_
+dogs. He always stood aloof on his dignity, and if either approached too
+near, warned them away with a low growl. He was a noble Newfoundland, and
+prided himself upon his ancestry.
+
+But there are little threads of beauty that penetrate every household,
+wherever it may be, and warm the heart. Those thoughts, and kind words, and
+remembrances, that fly back and forth, hundreds of miles, and keep the
+poorest hovel all a-glow. They are so many rays that converge there, and
+make a star. That sleepy old horse that brought in the mail once a week was
+a _blessed_ old horse, and bore upon his back treasures that far
+outweighed gold. That mail-bag, like all mail-bags, was full of
+passions--love, hatred, and revenge--all kinds of courtesy, civility,
+politeness, sycophancy--some coarseness and vulgarity, too; and when it
+burst, like a bomb, in the post-office, it covered some persons with a
+rainbow light, gave others a cold drench, overpowered still others, and
+turned many into so many raging madmen. The imprisoned conflicting elements
+that jogged along up hill and down dale, so cosily on that old horse's
+back, made strange work when they were let loose.
+
+Mail days were bright days in our calendar. They came only once a week--but
+that day always brought something. We then sat down, wife, children, and
+all, and posted up the books of the past. The letters brushed off the dust
+from the pictures of distant friends that were hanging in our souls--and
+those pictures talked. Some were sick; some were married; some had gone to
+one place, some to another. They were sailing on the great current of life
+as well as we. We were all together, yet apart; and these letters were only
+a shaking of hands across the flood that divided us--the shuttle that wove
+our passage into one.
+
+And then the newspapers were something more to us than ever before. The jar
+and roar of the world, like music, was softened and mellowed by distance.
+Advertisements grew valuable; and our little daughter Kate absolutely read
+a patent-medicine notice from end to end without smiling.
+
+During the winter, my wife made a little "come-to-tea" gathering, for the
+purpose, as she said, of getting "better acquainted with her neighbors." We
+were living, as I have stated before, a little out of the village of
+Puddleford, and our opportunities for seeing its society were not very
+good. She invited Squire Longbow and wife (of course); Bates and wife;
+Turtle and wife; Mrs. Sonora Brown, Tom Beagle and his clique--in fact, it
+was got up "without distinction of party," as our house was neutral ground,
+never having thus far been the scene of a social fight. I set apart the day
+to attend to our guests.
+
+The first lady who made her appearance was Mrs. Sonora Brown, who had
+walked out from Puddleford alone, and who hove in sight, pursuant to her
+invitation to come to tea, at about two P. M.
+
+The snow was falling fast, and the wind quite rough, but Mrs. Sonora didn't
+mind that. She was covered with one of those plaid cloaks that were made
+twenty years ago, had on a pair of heavy brogan boots (sensible woman), a
+tight hood, and over that a red and white cotton handkerchief tied under
+her chin. The old lady sailed along through the gale as calmly and stately
+as a seventy-four. When she reached the door, she rapped and stamped, and
+gave a loud hawk, all of which she undoubtedly thought ought to announce
+her presence.
+
+My wife opened the door. "Well," exclaimed Sonora, "you see I've come,"
+giving her cloak a hearty shake, and scattering the snow about her.
+
+"Glad--very glad to see you," replied my wife.
+
+"I know'd you would be--that's just what I told 'em," continued Sonora;
+"you ain't so dreadfully stuck up out here as some folks tries to make
+believe, arter all."
+
+"We are like most other people, I suppose," said my wife.
+
+Sonora took off her hood, when her eyes fell upon me. "So, this your man?
+I'd hearn tell on him, but never see'd him afore, near by--and there are
+the children! and that is your big looking-glass they tell'd about! The
+dear massy on us," she exclaimed, "how nice!"
+
+"Why, Mrs. Brown," said I, "you must recollect me: I was a juryman on the
+trial between Filkins and Beadle."
+
+"Come to take a good look at you, and so you was; but I was so frustered
+that day that I didn't know which eend I stood on. How pesky sassy them
+'turneys-at-la' are!" continued Mrs. Brown, as she seated herself in the
+big rocking-chair.
+
+"Mrs. Brown, have you lived long in this country?" I asked.
+
+"Why, bless your soul, yes! Didn't you know that? We come in from the 'Hio
+twenty years ago, and lived her 'fore there was anybody, nor nothing but
+bears and catamounts."
+
+"How, in the world, did you manage to get through the country twenty years
+ago?" I asked.
+
+"Well, it _was_ a pretty orful time," said the old lady; "it almost brings
+the tears into my eyes now to think on't. There was my husband and four
+children--Lem and Jim, and Molly and Bessy. Lem was about twenty, and Jim
+about fifteen, and Molly and Bessy ten and twelve; and we were all piled
+inter a big cover'd wagon, drawn by two yoke of cattle, with what little
+furniter we had; and in this kinder way we started for--I didn't know
+where."
+
+"Where did you eat and sleep?" inquired I.
+
+"We bunk'd in the wagon nights, and camp'd out to eat; and so we travelled
+for two months."
+
+"But you got through all safe?" I said.
+
+"No, we didn't," said she, heaving a sigh; "little Bessy died" (she wiped
+away a tear); "she got the measles somewhere on the road; and everybody was
+afraid of catchin' on 'em; and nobody would come near us, and so we had to
+stop and take care of her in the wagon the best way we could. We done all
+we could think of, but she kept growin' worse and worse, 'till one mornin'
+she died."
+
+"She died!" I repeated, feeling sad.
+
+"And we had to bury her in a strange place--a high knoll in the woods by
+the road-side--and go away and leave her there alone. O, Mr. ----," she
+exclaimed, "I've dream'd a thousand times of that spot in the woods: what
+wouldn't I give if I could go and find it!"
+
+"What did you do when you first arrived here?" I inquired.
+
+"Why, it was all trees all over, everywhere, then. There warn't any
+houzens, nor any roads to travel on, nor no white folks but Venison Styles,
+and some other hunters who are gone away now; nor anything to live on; and
+nothin' to be heard nights but the varmints screamin'," said Mrs. Brown,
+laying down her knitting-work, and shoving up her spectacles with a
+convulsive twitch, for she was getting eloquent. "There warn't a pound of
+meat for fifty miles round--no pork for love nor money--and so we cut down
+a place, and built a log shanty, and liv'd on deer meat, for deers were as
+thick as hops all over."
+
+"And what then?" said I.
+
+"The next spring," she continued, "we cleared a couple of acres, and put
+it into taters, turnips, beets, and all kind-er garden sass; and then we
+girdled the trees on ten or twelve acres more, and in the fall we put this
+inter wheat, and in a year or so we began to live."
+
+"And that large farm you live on, Mrs. Brown, is _the_ spot you first
+settled? Where are your children now?"
+
+"They are round yet," said Sonora. "Jim teaches school, and spec'lates, and
+fiddles some, and _can_ doctor if he likes. Jim is the only genus in our
+family: he's as smart as _litenin'_; Lem is more staid and sober-like. He
+allers took to hum chores, fod'ring cattle, and such like-er things. He
+married Squire Nolet's darter; and they are pretty big folks--got carpets
+in their bed-rooms, and all _over_ the house--and he is now settled on a
+farm out on Horse-Neck Plains; and Jim is now doin' fust-rate."
+
+"What became of Molly?"
+
+"Molly made a bad go on't. She married a trav'ling singing-master--and I
+_do_ suppose," she exclaimed, "he is one of the most good-for-_nothin'
+dogs_ in the whole settlement. I don't see how in _airth_ Molly ever took a
+notion to him: he hain't got no larnin'--he won't work--and _I_ don't like
+his _singin'_. I don't see what such critters are made for." (The old lady
+heaved a long sigh.)
+
+There was a rap at the door, and Mrs. Bird, Mrs. Beagle, and Mrs. Snipes
+came in. These three ladies were inseparable. They visited together, and
+warred, as we have seen, upon the "up-street aristocracy" together. Mrs.
+Bird, who was, as I have stated, a great sozzle about home, was now decked
+out with as many ribbons and streamers as a Maypole. She had mounted on her
+back a most tremendous bustle, and she bowed, and bobbed, and twitched
+about, as she saluted my wife, with all the airs and friskiness of a young
+girl. Mrs. Beagle was quite reserved.
+
+"Why, bless you, Mrs. ----, how cold 'tis!" said Mrs. Bird. "My dear
+husband couldn't hardly think of lettin' me go out. Bird is _so_
+particular, and allers so scared for fear'd sunthin' will happen to me.
+'Wife,' said Bird to me one day--'wife,' sez he, 'you musn't go out with
+them are thin shoes on--'t'il be the death on you,' sez he. 'O, shaw!' sez
+I. 'Bird, you're allers bor'ring trouble.' 'No, I ain't, nother,' sez he.
+'Byme-by, you'll get a mortal sickness in your lungs, and it'll run you
+inter the inflammation, and then you're gone.' But I allers laughs at Bird
+when he talks so. Why, of all things," continued Mrs. Bird, looking round,
+if here ain't Mrs. Brown. "Are you well, Aunt Sonora, to-day?"
+
+"Pretty sorter," answered Mrs. Brown.
+
+"Hain't had the rheumatiz, nor shakin' ager, nor any of that buzzing in
+your head?"
+
+"None to speak on."
+
+"How is your old man, Mrs. Brown?"
+
+"Well, he's gruntin' some--but so's to be about."
+
+"Did he catch that feller who ow'd him and run'd away?"
+
+"Not's I ever heerd on," replied Mrs. Brown.
+
+"Why, what a nice caliker you're got on, Mrs. Brown; was it one-and-three
+or one-and-six?"
+
+"I b'lieve it was somewher's _along_ there," said Mrs. Brown.
+
+"It's jest like Charity Beadle's, only Charity had hers made up with the
+figur' runnin' down."
+
+About sundown, and in the midst of Mrs. Bird's conversation--for her tongue
+kept in full play--Squire Longbow and wife announced themselves by a rap.
+Their arrival spiked Mrs. Bird's battery. After making a cold, scornful,
+and exceedingly low and ironical bow to them, she retired one side with
+Mrs. Beadle and Mrs. Snipes.
+
+Squire Longbow had on his best rig--a suit of grayish homespun. His
+shirt-collar was unusually tall, and he had put a double bow-knot in his
+neckcloth of white cotton. The shade over his lost eye was very clean and
+bright. He really looked like a Justice.
+
+Longbow said he was glad to get out--that the business of justice was
+wearin' him to death.
+
+"Much on your mind, Squire, now?" I inquired.
+
+"All the time--all the time sunthin'. There's a pin't of law to be settled
+in that case 'tween Whippum against Snappett. Snappett's nigger man druv
+Snappett's cattle over Whippum's dog, and broke Whippum's leg--I mean
+Whippum's _dog's_ leg; and Whippum's dog's goin' to die--a very valuable
+dog--cost Whippum six shillings last spring--good for cattle, hogs,
+anything--children thought a good deal on him; and so Whippum swore
+Snappett should pay for the dog, if he spent his farm to get it."
+
+"I declare," exclaimed I.
+
+"Yes, he said it in my offis last week; but whether to sue Snappett or the
+nigger is the p'int. If we sue the nigger, he arn't good; if we sue
+Snappett, twarn't he that druv the oxen."
+
+"Join the nigger and the white man together in one suit," said I.
+
+"_T-h-u-n-der!_" exclaimed the Squire, looking wildly at me--"can't jine
+niggers and white men together by _our_ constitution--Story's dead agin it.
+They'd come in on t'other side, and squash everything inter pieces."
+
+"Can it be possible?" said I.
+
+"Yes-sir-_ee_!" said the Squire; "they _would_ that--and have me 'peal'd up
+to the higher courts in a jiffy.
+
+"And then," continued the Squire, "Tibbits and Jenkins have got inter
+trouble. Jenkins got mad at Tibbits 'bout somethin' a while ago, and so he
+went down to Tibbits' house, his gun on his shoulder, full-er wrath--and
+spyin' a favorit' cow of Tibbits in the barn-yard, jest drew up, and popped
+her over--Tibbits run'd out, grabbl'd the gun out of Jenkins' hand, and
+smashed it up fine on a tree--then they had a fight, and Jenkins bung'd up
+Tibbits, and Tibbits bung'd up Jenkins, so neither on 'em could see
+much--now Tibbits wants to bring suit for the value of his cow."
+
+"Do tell now if he does," exclaimed Aunt Sonora, who had been listening to
+the Squire's story; "I tell'd our folks at hum, yesterday, that I hadn't
+any doubt but Puddleford would be turned _en_side out 'bout that."
+
+"Yes!" continued the Squire, "Tibbits wants to bring suit--but I tell'd
+Tibbits that I wanted to know how much the cow was worth. 'Fourteen
+dollars,' said he. 'How much was the rifle worth?' ''Bout the same,' said
+he. 'Jest a set-off,' said I; 'the rifle pays for the cow, and the cow for
+the rifle.' Tibbits said that warn't la', and swore, and said I should
+issue the writ. I threatened to commit him for contempt. He said he'd get a
+_ramdamus_ (mandamus) onter me, and there the matter stands."
+
+"Well," said I, "you _do_ have trouble, Squire--I'd resign."
+
+"Nobody to fill my place," said the Squire, pushing his arms down into his
+breeches pockets and stretching out his legs and throwing his eyes up to
+the ceiling--"nobody that understands the _staterts_."
+
+"There's Ike Turtle," said I.
+
+"Ike arn't cool enough--it takes a _cool_ man for justis in these parts--a
+man that arn't afear'd of nothin'."
+
+"Just so," said I. Here was a rap, and Ike Turtle, Mr. and Mrs. Bates, and
+many others, entered.
+
+We had a house full nearly. The elements, as I have said, were not
+harmonious. The Birds, and Swipes, and Beagles, and their friends were
+huddled together by themselves in one part of the room, and Longbow and his
+friends in another. You might hear whispers and suppressed laughs, and Ohs!
+and Ahs! from the circle of Mrs. Bird, and side-looks and other
+manifestations of uneasiness.
+
+Ike Turtle, whose knowledge of human nature was equal to his humor, after
+eying the group a while, concluded to break into and scatter it, if
+possible. So turning around--"Mrs. Bird, you look un-_com_only well,
+to-day," he said.
+
+"Think I _do_," replied Mrs. Bird, pettishly.
+
+"Why, you look as fresh as a new-blown rose."
+
+Mrs. Bird held down her head, and actually appeared confused. Soon she
+gathered courage to speak. "Why, Mr. Turtle, how can you think so? I'm an
+old woman."
+
+"Not so old, arter all," said Ike; "you've taken good care of your sperits
+and complexion."
+
+"Why, Mrs. Bird don't use _sperits_!" exclaimed Mrs. Brown, looking down
+over her spectacles, at Ike, with horror.
+
+"Not them kind," said Ike--"but her nat'ral sperits, I mean. Now,"
+continued Ike, "here's Squire Longbow, past fifty, hearty as a buck,
+full-er fire, and can kick up his heels as high as his head--all owin' to
+his sperits. Don't you think so, Mrs. Bird?"
+
+Mrs. Bird said she didn't know much about Squire Longbow.
+
+"O, nonsense now--yes, you do--liv'd neighbor to him in Puddleford these
+ten years or more. But if there's any doubt about it, I'll just introduce
+you. Squire Longbow," continued Ike, rising and pointing to Mrs.
+Bird--"Mrs. Bird--Mrs. Bird, Squire Longbow. And here's Mrs. Beagle and
+Mrs. Swipes--all of Puddleford--maybe you don't know 'em--all old
+residenters--come in when the country was new, and have cut their own
+fodder ever since."
+
+The Squire rose, bowed, and said--he "know'd 'em all, and was glad to meet
+'em looking so fust rate."
+
+"Now," said Ike, "I've introduced you, enjoy yourselves."
+
+This movement of Ike's broke the ice. The clique relaxed their brows, and
+conversation grew more general.
+
+"Is Lavinny at school this winter?" inquired Mrs. Beagles of the Squire.
+
+"Yes, marm, she is--studying 'stronomy--got inter the fix'd stars last
+week--and will be onter Capercorn, byme-by."
+
+"Bless my soul!" exclaimed Aunt Sonora, her knitting-needles rattling with
+surprise, "how _did_ she get out--got into the stars?"
+
+"Yes, marm," continued the Squire, "she larned herself inter 'em--and she
+knows all 'bout 'em--what they're there for--and who put 'em there--jest
+as much as though she'd lived six months on the spot. And then, Mrs.
+Beagle, she's up to her eyes in hist'ry. She talks 'bout the Caesars and
+'Gustuses jest as though she'd allers know'd 'em. Tells all about how
+Christopher Columbus came over with the Puritans and settled onter Plymouth
+rock, 'cause Richard Third, king-er Spain, got mad at 'em, 'cause they
+would kiss the Pope's toe."
+
+"Dear me suz, I wanter know," exclaimed Mrs. Brown again.
+
+"And then she's at the head in the gography class--she's draw'd a map of
+the Cannibal Islands--and on one on 'em, Capt'n Cook lies with his head
+off, crying for marcy--and she says, down onter the squator it don't never
+snow, nor nothin', and it's hotter than blue-blazes, in the winter--and
+when it thunders and litenins, it tears everything inter pieces--she's
+goin' ahead wonderfully, Mrs. Beagle."
+
+"Well, now, that _is satisfying_," said Mrs. Beagle. "It does one so much
+good to see one's children get larnin'!"
+
+"That's just what I tell'd Mr. Brown when Jim was first born," said Aunt
+Sonora. "I tell'd him the boy had genus, for there never was one of our
+family that didn't. 'But you've got-ter give him schooling,' said I, 'to
+bring it out.' And so he did--and you orter to have see'd how he run'd to
+books and newspapers. When he was fifteen, he tell'd the old man, as he
+called his father, he orter to go to district-school--(he was a wonderful
+boy; know'd everything, then)--that he was way ahind the age. Then he went
+off a roamin', a seekin' his fortin'--and when he com'd back, nobody would
+know'd him--he was _so_ improved--he fling'd his legs onter to the stove,
+and smoked and chewed, and talk'd about furrin parts--and didn't take any
+notice of the old man--said how the old man didn't know nothin'--(warn't he
+genus, Squire Longbow?)--he wouldn't work any, because he said genuses
+never work'd--that they wouldn't be genuses if they did--he made the old
+man give him a fast horse, and a p'inter dog, and a gun, all kivered with
+silver plates, and then he rid, and hunted, and courted--(warn't he
+genus?)--he courted Squire Boson's darter, and Mr. Fogg's two darters, and
+all the gals in the western settlement, till he finally settled down, as I
+was tellin' Mr. ---- a while ago, into jest as much of a genus as ever--the
+dear massy on us, what won't larnin' do?"
+
+"'S'prisin' boy," answered the Squire.
+
+The conversation ran on about everything, until Ike had really broken up
+the clique of Bird & Co., and one would have thought there never had been a
+social war in Puddleford. There never lived a mortal, I believe, who could
+hold out against the humor of Ike Turtle. He magnetized all who came within
+his influence. He was shrewd, keen, far-seeing, full of good sense, and had
+a stock of fun that was positively inexhaustible. Ike, in reality, never
+cared about the antipathy of Bird, Beagle & Co.--all their malice and
+slander had never "ruffled a feather," as he used to say. He was amusing
+_himself_ in the experiments he had been making to bring the factions
+together; but he did not in fact care whether they ever came together or
+not.
+
+About nine o'clock in the evening, and after "supper," as Mrs. Sonora
+called it, had passed off, Ike inquired of me if my fiddle was in the
+house, as he intended to have Squire Longbow, Aunt Sonora, Mrs. Bird,
+Swipes, and "all hands," dancing before the company broke up.
+
+The fiddle was produced--rather an asthmatic instrument--that strayed into
+the country among my lumber, and was somewhat out of order. Ike tinkered it
+up with his jack-knife, until it finally emitted a few strains of something
+like music. He then played "Over the Hills," "Fisher's Hornpipe," and
+several other lively airs, until old Squire Longbow unconsciously began to
+rap the time with his heels, and Mrs. Bird to grow quite nettlesome.
+
+Ike finally bowed himself up to Mrs. Bird, sawing away all the time on his
+fiddle--and declared that "nothing on airth would do him so much good as a
+country dance, and she must consent to walk straight out without wincing."
+Mrs. Bird looked pleased and provoked, by turns, but she finally took Ike's
+arm, and was duly placed on the floor. Squire Longbow and Mrs. Sonora were
+next hauled out by Ike; Mrs. Swipes and Sile Bates, and so on, until he had
+united (with the exception of Squire Longbow and partner) the most
+discordant elements of Puddleford.
+
+The dance opened, Ike himself fiddling, shuffling, and calling off. He and
+Mrs. Bird went down in the middle, up outside, and crossed over, Ike's feet
+playing all the while like drum-sticks to the music of "Fisher's Hornpipe,"
+which he was sawing off with inconceivable rapidity, while Mrs. Bird
+followed after him, panting and blowing, without much regard to time or
+tune.
+
+Squire Longbow and Mrs. Sonora trotted through their parts--Mrs. Sonora
+having declared, before she took the floor, "that she never was one of them
+are dancing critters, but she'd try and hobble through the figger the best
+she could."
+
+By and by the general "wind-up" came, when "all hands" went into it heart
+and soul. Ike's fiddle, and Ike's voice, and the pattering of feet, were
+all that was heard. "Right and left!" "Cross over!" "Don't run agin Mrs.
+Bird, Squire Longbow!" "A leetle faster, Mrs. Swipes!" "_Pardners_ keep
+clus arter one another!" "Don't cave!" "Not quite so much cavortin' down
+thar!" exclaimed Ike, giving expression to his words with his bow, when at
+last he drew the whole to a close by a long, high squeak, and the company
+rushed to their seats puffing, and covered with perspiration.
+
+This movement of Ike's was a masterly performance. He had actually danced
+with Mrs. Bird, one of his bitterest enemies. He had melted the two hostile
+cliques of Puddleford into one. His flattery and music had accomplished
+this, and it was productive of lasting good, for the war from this time
+began to decline in Puddleford, and the hostile cliques were finally
+dissolved.
+
+Perhaps the reader is disposed to smile at my description of a Puddleford
+tea-party. Perhaps he thinks the ingenuousness of Aunt Sonora, the
+free-and-easy humor of Ike Turtle, the peevish jealousy of Mrs. Bird, are
+the fruit simply of what he terms "western vulgarity." Don't be too fast,
+my friend. You belong, perhaps, to a society that wears a mask--made up,
+nevertheless, of "envy, hatred, malice, and all uncharitableness." _Your_
+Mrs. Bird is just as jealous, but for another reason, and with this
+difference, too, that _she_ can smile upon her bitterest enemy, when and
+where the rules of fashionable life demand it. You've got a Squire Longbow
+or two with you in all probability--not dressed in homespun, but
+"broadcloth"--one who has been favored by fortune, and no god beside--one
+who hums and haws, and looks as wise and solemn as an owl, and to whom,
+perhaps, you unconsciously pay homage. We are all alike, dear reader--we
+look at your society through the telescope of education and refinement--at
+Puddleford, with the naked eye.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X.
+
+     Mrs. Longbow taken sick.--General Interest.--Dr.
+     Teazle.--His Visit.--"The Rattles."--Scientific
+     Diagnosis.--A Prescription.--Short and Dr. Dobbs.--"Pantod
+     of the Heart."--Dismissal of Teazle.--Installation of
+     Dobbs.--"Scyller and Charabides."--Ike's Views.--The
+     Colonel's.--Bates's.--Mrs. Longbow dies.--Who killed her:
+     conflicting Opinions.--Her Funeral.--Bigelow Van Slyck's
+     Sermon.--Interment.
+
+
+Not long after this jolly little gathering at my house, I heard that Mrs.
+Longbow was sick. Her symptoms were very alarming, and, as she was the wife
+of Squire Longbow, and as the Squire was _the_ man of Puddleford, her
+critical condition was a matter of public concern.
+
+"What is the matter with Squire Longbow's woman?" "How did she rest last
+night?" "Did she roll and tumble much?" "Is her fever brok't onto her?"
+were questions frequently put. Now Mrs. Longbow was a very worthy person,
+and entitled to all the sympathy she received; but that is not to be the
+subject of this chapter.
+
+When Mrs. Longbow was first taken ill, Dr. Teazle was called--yes, reader,
+Dr. Teazle--who had been as good authority in medicine, as Longbow ever was
+in law. I say had been--"Things were different now."
+
+Teazle was one of the pioneers of Puddleford. He was there when the first
+log-house was laid up--the first field cleared--the first child born.
+Teazle possessed a very little learning, a very great deal of impudence,
+and a never-ending flow of language. He was opinionated, and tolerated no
+practice but his own. (What physician ever did?) Teazle never let a doubt
+enter his mind--he intuitively read a case, as rapidly as though he were
+reading a printed statement of it. Teazle was about the size of Longbow,
+but _he_ had two eyes.
+
+"How long have you been attackted?" inquired Teazle, approaching the
+bedside of Mrs. Longbow, and placing his fingers over the lady's pulse.
+
+Mrs. Longbow said "it was some time during the night."
+
+"Run out your tongue," continued Teazle.
+
+Mrs. Longbow obeyed.
+
+"Very bad tongue--all full'er stuff--you ain't well, Mrs. Longbow; there's
+a kind of collapse of the whole system, and a sort of debility going on,
+everywhere all over you."
+
+Squire Longbow, who sat by, anxiously inquired what the disease was.
+
+Teazle said it might be a sour stomach, or it might be fever, or it might
+be rheumatiz, or it might be the liver, or it might be that something else
+was out of order--or it might be the _rattles_.
+
+"Dear me!" exclaimed the Squire, "the _rattles_--what is that?"
+
+"The rattles," answered Teazle, "the rattles is a disease treated of in the
+books--Folks catch cold; the nose stops up; the throat gets sore, and there
+is a kind of rattling going on when they breathe, whether we can hear it or
+not--and that's the rattles."
+
+Mrs. Longbow said "she hadn't got any rattles as she know'd on."
+
+Teazle said he would make up a prescription that would make a sure business
+of it, as he always did when he was in doubt. "He would prepare a compound
+of the particular medicines used for the particular diseases he had
+mentioned, and fire at random, and some of the shot would hit, he knew."
+
+"Gracious! doctor!" exclaimed Longbow, "what comes of the rest on 'em?"
+
+"All passes off--all passes off," answered Teazle glibly, with a flourish
+of the hand, "through the pores of the skin--" continued Teazle; "and you
+must also take four quarts-er water, two pounds-er salt, a gill-er
+molasses, a little 'cumfrey root, some catnip blows (but mind don't get in
+any of the leaves; that'll kill her), stir it all up together, and soak her
+feet just ten minutes; then get five cents worth-er sassyfarilla, three
+cents worth-er some kind of physic, pour in some caster-ile, and I'll put
+in some intergrediences and stuffs, and will give it inwardly every two
+hours; and in the morning I will 'quire agin into the condition of the
+patient."
+
+This, reader, was the result of Teazle's call. Mrs. Longbow was really
+suffering under an attack of bilious fever.
+
+In a few days there was an uproar among the physicians of Puddleford. Dr.
+Short and Dr. Dobbs had united their influence and tongues together, and
+Teazle was denounced as a quack and a fool. Short and Dobbs never united
+for any other purpose but the abuse of Teazle. Sometimes Short and Teazle
+abused Dobbs, and sometimes Dobbs and Teazle abused Short. Short declared
+that "Mrs. Longbow had nothing but a kind of in'ard strictur', and a little
+salts would clear it right out."
+
+Dobbs said it "was either that or the _pantod_ of the heart, and that
+Teazle's medicine would lay out the poor soul as cold as a wedge."
+
+I endeavored to ascertain by Dobbs what he wished us to understand by
+"pantod of the heart."
+
+Dobbs said it was "unpossible for him to explain it without the books--it
+was something that laid hold of the vessels about the heart, and throw'd
+everything into a flutter."
+
+The war went on--Squire Longbow's friends finally joined the force of
+opposition to Teazle--and in two or three days Teazle was ejected very
+unceremoniously from the Squire's house, and Dobbs took his place.
+
+The first thing Dobbs did, when he was fairly installed, was to gather up,
+and pitch headlong into the fire, all of Teazle's remaining medicines. He
+wondered whether Teazle "really _intended_ to kill Mrs. Longbow! Perhaps he
+was only a fool!" The whole system of practice was now changed. A new
+administration had come into power, and with it new measures. Dobbs "didn't
+know but he might raise Mrs. Longbow, but he couldn't hold himself
+responsible--Teazle had nearly finished her--but he would try."
+
+Dobbs immediately introduced a seton into the side of his patient, "to get
+up a greater fluttering somewhere else, and get away the flutter at the
+heart, and when _that_ went, the fever would go away with it," _he_ said.
+
+Dobbs moved around Puddleford for a day or so, with great pomp of manner.
+He had unseated Teazle, and now occupied his place. But what was his
+surprise to find Short and Teazle united, and out upon him, in full cry!
+Short had become chagrined because Dobbs had been called to fill the place
+of Teazle, instead of himself.
+
+The war was renewed with increased fury. Dobbs's seton failed to produce
+the desired effect, and he, therefore, resorted to blistering and calomel.
+In a week he had nearly skinned and salivated the poor woman, and yet she
+lived. The fact was, Dobbs was a greater blockhead than Teazle, if that
+were possible. Ike Turtle said the "old 'oman was between Scyller and
+Chara_bi_des!"--Ike had heard this classical allusion at some time,--"and
+she'd got-ter go for it--and she'd better just step out at onst, and save
+trouble and expense."
+
+The "Colonel" said that he "once read a story in AEsop's Fables, called the
+'Fox and the Brambles,' and he recollected that the Fox refused to shake
+off a swarm of flies that were sucking out his life-blood, because a more
+hungry swarm would succeed; and _he_ thought Mrs. Longbow made a great
+mistake in discharging Teazle; for Teazle had exhausted his energies upon
+his patient, and nature was about restoring the ruin he had wrought."
+
+Bates expressed a different opinion. He was a strong advocate of lobelia
+and cayenne-pepper--he was, in short, a supporter of the "hot-water"
+practice. All mineral medicine Bates declared poisonous. Bates said "Nature
+knew enough to take care of herself--for every disease a remedy had been
+provided--what we call weeds were all valuable remedies: and he thought
+Teazle and Dobbs ought both to be indicted for malpractice."
+
+This war between men, soon became a war of systems. Philista Filkins, Aunt
+Sonora, Bates & Company, raised a tempest around Longbow's ears; and Dobbs
+was finally thrown overboard, and his medicines after him; and Mrs.
+Filkins was placed at the helm, and the hot-water practice introduced.
+
+But what is the use, reader?--Mrs. Longbow died. Who wouldn't? Nature
+cannot endure everything--she died, and was buried. But who killed her?
+That was a question for months afterwards. Dobbs said Teazle--Teazle said
+Dobbs; and Teazle and Dobbs, when _talking together_ on the subject, said
+Mrs. Filkins--and Bates said "_the calomel_"--and Turtle said "the 'oman
+had been conspir'd agin, and was killed."
+
+I attended the funeral of Mrs. Longbow. A funeral is solemn anywhere--in
+the wilderness it is impressive. In a city it is too often an exhibition of
+pride, carried down to the very gates of death--the poor handful of dust is
+used to glorify, a little longer, the living--it preaches no sermon,
+chastens no feeling; but a funeral in the wilderness is as lonely as one at
+sea. Nature becomes almost oppressive. The scattered population, for miles
+around, gathered at the log-chapel, and Bigelow Van Slyck preached over the
+remains of Mrs. Longbow. The sermon was characteristic of Bigelow--strange
+and inappropriate, perhaps, in the opinion of the reader; but, after all,
+the very thing for Bigelow's audience. This was his text: "Man that is born
+of a woman is of few days, and full of trouble!" Bigelow said his "text
+used the word '_man_ that is born,' &c., but it was jest as applicable to a
+woman as to a man, for woman was, after all, a kind of a man; not that a
+woman _was_ a man, nor a man a woman--but texts allers spoke of things in
+general, 'cause the Bible was writ for all time." In dwelling upon the
+words "that is _born_," Bigelow said, "he would go into the history of the
+Longbow family"--and he did go into their history, with a vengeance. He
+began with Squire Longbow's grandfather, who, he said, "fit in the old
+French war," and told us when _he_ was _born_, and how he lived, and where
+he lived, and when he died, and gave us a kind of synopsis of the old man's
+services in the flesh. He then seized, violently, hold of the Squire
+himself, informed us he was born "down in the Pennsylvanys 'bout the old
+Tom Jefferson times, was the last of ten children, whose history he
+couldn't go into for want of time--that the Squire hadn't any larnin' until
+after he becom'd of age, and then got what he did get himself." Bigelow
+hoped his audience "would improve on this lesson, and get larnin'
+themselves." He then followed up the Squire through his immigration and
+settlement at Puddleford, and informed us, I recollect, among other things,
+that he built the first frame-house, being "twenty feet by thirty-four."
+Bigelow was still more specific in his history of Mrs. Longbow. If there
+was anything overlooked in the poor woman's life, I do not know what it
+was. Bigelow labored some half hour over her virtues, and brought them out
+so systematically, at last, that the list, when completed, reminded me of
+an inventory of the personal effects of a deceased person--of the
+preparation of a document, to file away somewhere.
+
+The latter part of Bigelow's text, upon the brevity of life, was well
+managed--roughly, perhaps, but pointedly. He drew copiously from nature, by
+way of illustration, as all persons do who live more with nature than with
+man. "The corn," he remarked, "died in the ground, sprouted, grew green,
+then the blades died agin"--"the flowers jest breathed a few times, then
+_they_ died"--"day died into night, and night died in the
+morning"--"everything died everywhere; and man died, and woman died, and
+we'd all got-ter die." I have selected only a few sentences, at random,
+from this part of Bigelow's discourse.
+
+Then there was an address to the audience, an address to the aged, another
+to those in middle life, another to the young, and finally, one to the
+mourners, standing. Some two hours and a half were occupied in the sermon
+altogether; and when it finally closed, the remains of Mrs. Longbow were
+silently and sadly deposited in the grave.
+
+The death of Mrs. Longbow created a great chasm in society. The
+"settlement" was so small, that the loss of any one was severely felt. In
+small places, every person has a great deal of individuality--in large,
+only here and there is one distinguished from "the crowd." Mrs. Longbow was
+certainly fortunate in one respect, if she was unfortunate in another. If
+the physicians of Puddleford hastened her end, its population have not
+forgotten her, nor her many virtues.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.
+
+     Squire Longbow in Mourning.--The Great Question.--Aunt
+     Sonora's Opinion.--Other People's.--The Squire goes to
+     Church.--His Appearance on that Occasion.--Aunt Graves, and
+     her Extra Performance.--"Nux Vomica."--Anxious
+     Mothers.--Mary Jane Arabella Swipes.--Sister Abigail.--Ike
+     Turtle and his Designs.--He calls on Aunt Graves.--She'll go
+     it.--Sister Abigail's Objection.--The Squire's First Love
+     Letter.--The Wedding.--Great Getting-up.--Turtle's
+     Examination.--The Squire runs the Risk of "the
+     Staterts."--Bigelow's Ceremony.--General Break-Down.--Not
+     _Very_ Drunk.
+
+
+Squire Longbow sincerely mourned the loss of his wife--internally and
+externally. Externally, he was one of the strongest mourners I ever saw. He
+wore a weed, floating from his hat, nearly a foot long. It was the longest
+weed that had ever been mounted at Puddleford; but our readers must not
+forget who Squire Longbow was--a magistrate, and leading man in community.
+And while the reader is about it, he may also recollect that the Squire is
+not the only man, east or west, who has ventured upon a little ostentation
+over the grave of the departed--nor woman either.
+
+Who was to be the next Mrs. Longbow? That was the question. The public,
+indeed, asked it long before the Squire. Who was to have the honor of
+presiding at the Squire's table? What woman was to be placed at the head of
+society in Puddleford? The Swipeses and Beagles, Aunt Sonora, Aunt Graves,
+and Sister Abigail, and scores of others, all began to speculate upon this
+important subject. Even Turtle and Bates indulged in a few general remarks.
+
+Aunt Sonora gave it as her mind, that "the Squire ought to be pretty skeery
+how he married anybody, kase if he got one of them flipper-ter-gibbet sort
+o' wimmin, she'd turn the whole house _en_side out, and he'd be one of the
+most miserablest of all men." She said, "if he know'd what was good for
+himself, he'd jest keep clear of all the young gals that were fussing and
+figeting round him, and go right in for some old stand-by of a woman, that
+know'd how to take the brunt of things--but, lors a-me," continued Aunt
+Sonora, "there's no doing nothing with these old widowers--they're all like
+my Uncle Jo, who married in a hurry, and repented arterwards--and the poor
+dear old soul arn't had a minute's peace since."
+
+The Swipeses and Beagles, who, it will be recollected, belonged to a clique
+that had, in times past, warred against Longbow & Co., "tho't it would be
+shameful for the Squire to marry at all--it would be an insult agin the
+memory of poor old Mrs. Longbow, who was dead and gone." (Some people, you
+know, reader, abuse the living, but defend the dead.) "And if the Squire
+should marry, _they_ should think, for _their_ part, that she'd rise up out
+of her grave, and haunt him! She could never sleep easy, if she know'd that
+the Squire had got some other woman, who was eating her preserves, and
+wearing out her clothes, and lording it over the house like all possess'd."
+
+Other opinions were expressed by other persons--in fact, the Squire's
+widowhood was _the_ great concern of Puddleford. "He was so well on to
+do," as Aunt Sonora used to call it, that he was considered a great
+"catch."
+
+After a few weeks of sorrow, the Squire himself really began to entertain
+notions of matrimony. It is true he had passed the age of sixty, and it
+required a great effort to get up a sufficient amount of romance to carry
+out such an enterprise. Symptoms began, however, to wax strong. The first
+alarming indication was his attendance at church. The Squire had always
+been a kind of heathen in this respect, and had for many years set a poor
+example; but people, who want to marry, will go to church. Whether this is
+done to get up a reputation, or simply to take a survey of the
+unappropriated female stock yet remaining on hand, I cannot say.
+
+The Squire was "fixed up" amazingly, the first time I saw him at church.
+His hair had been cut, and thoroughly greased. His shirt-collar covered his
+ears; and his boots shone like a mirror. Aunt Sonora said he looked
+"enymost as good as new." Aunt Graves was in the choir that day, and she
+sang as she never sang before. She blowed all the heavy strains of
+music--strains that lifted her on her toes--directly into Squire Longbow's
+face. Whether Aunt Graves had any design in this, is more than I can say;
+but I noticed some twinges about the Squire's lips, and a sleepy wink of
+the eye, that looked a little like magnetism. It was ridiculous, too, that
+such an old castle should be stormed by music.
+
+But the Squire exhibited other symptoms of matrimony. He grew more pompous
+in his decisions, disposed of cases more summarily, and quoted law Latin
+more frequently. It was about this time that he talked about the "nux
+vomica," instead of the "_vox Populi_." He used to "squash" proceeding's
+before the case was half presented; and, in the language of Turtle, "he
+tore around at a great rate." Turtle said, "the old Squire was getting to
+be an old fool, and he was goin' to have him married, or dismissed from
+office--there warn't no livin' with him."
+
+There were a great many anxious mothers about Puddleford who were very
+desirous of forming an alliance with the Longbow family. Even Mrs. Swipes,
+as much as she openly oposed the Squire's marriage in general, secretly
+hoped a spark might be struck up between him and her daughter, Mary Jane
+Arabella Swipes; and Mrs. Swipes was in the habit of sending her daughter
+over to the Squire's house, to inquire of him "to know if she couldn't do
+sunthin' for him in his melancholy condition;" and Sister Abigail went down
+several times to "put things to rights," and was as kind and obliging, and
+attentive to all the Squire's wants, as ever Mrs. Longbow was in her
+palmiest days. On these occasions, Sister Abigail used frequently to remind
+the Squire of "his great bereavement, and what an angel of a wife he had
+lost; and that things didn't look as they used to do, when she was around,
+and she didn't wonder he took on so, when the poor thing died."
+
+But, reader, Ike Turtle had ordered things otherwise. _He_ was determined
+to strike up a match between the Squire and Aunt Graves. So Ike made a
+special visit to Aunt Graves one evening, for the purpose of "surveying and
+sounding along the coast, to see how the waters laid, and how the old soul
+would take it," to use his language.
+
+I have already given an outline of Aunt Graves; but I will now say further,
+that she never had an offer of matrimony in her whole life. She was what is
+termed a "touchy" old maid. She professed to hate men, and affected great
+distress of mind when thrown into their society. Aunt Graves was just
+ironing down the seams of a coat that she had finished, when Ike called.
+
+Ike opened the conversation by reminding Aunt Graves that "she was livin'
+along kinder lonely like."
+
+"Lonely 'nough, I s'pose," she replied, snappishly.
+
+"Don't you never have the blues, and get sorter obstrep'rous?"
+
+Aunt Graves "didn't know as she did."
+
+"Why, in the name of old Babylon, don't you marry?"
+
+"Marry? _me_ marry--marry a man--a great awful man!" and the iron flew
+through the seams like lightning.
+
+"Yes," continued Ike, "marry--marry a man--why, woman, you are getting as
+old and yellow as autumn leaves. What have you been livin' for?--you've
+broken all the laws of Scripter inter pieces--and keep on breakin' on
+'em--adding sin unto sin, and transgression unto transgression, and the
+thing's got-ter be stopped. Now, Aunt Graves, what do you think--there's
+Squire Longbow, as desolate as Sodom, and he's got-ter have a woman, or the
+old man'll run as crazy as a loon a-thinkin' 'bout his household affairs;
+and you know how to cook, and to wash, and to iron, to make pickles and
+soap; and then, you're a proper age--what say?"
+
+Aunt Graves ran to the fire, plunged her goose into the ashes, and gave the
+coals a smart stir. She then dropped down in her large rocking-chair,
+leaned her cheek upon her elbow, fixed her eyes upon the floor, and came
+near going off into hysterics.
+
+Ike dashed a little water into Aunt Graves' face, and she revived. After
+having gained strength, she replied in substance to Ike's query in a very
+languishing, die-away air: "She couldn't say--she didn't know--if it was a
+duty--if she could really _believe_ it was a duty--if she was called on to
+fill poor old dead-and-gone Mrs. Longbow's place--folks were born inter the
+world to do good, and she had so far been one of the most unprofitablest of
+sarvants; but she could never marry on her own account--"
+
+"In other words," exclaimed Ike, cutting her short, "you'll go it."
+
+Aunt Graves agreed to "reflect on't."
+
+It was not long after this consultation that Mrs. Swipes began to "smell a
+rat," as she said. She commanded Mary Jane Arabella "never to darken the
+doors of that old hog, Longbow, agin; and as for that female critter,
+Graves, _she'd_ got a husband living down at the East'ard, and they'd all
+get into prison for life, the first thing they know'd."
+
+Sister Abigail declared, "she'd have Aunt Graves turned out of church, if
+she married a man who warn't a member." This was a great deal for Sister
+Abigail to say, for she had been the bosom friend of Aunt Graves: "people
+out of the church, and people in the church, shouldn't orter jine
+themselves together--it was agin Scripter, and would get everything inter a
+twist."
+
+But Ike Turtle had decreed that the marriage should go on. He even went so
+far as to indite the first letter of the Squire's to Aunt Graves. This
+letter, which Ike exhibited to his friends, as one of his best literary
+specimens, was indeed a curiosity. I presume there is nothing else like it
+on the face of the globe. It opened by informing Aunt Graves that since the
+"loss of his woman, he had felt very grievous-like, and couldn't fix his
+mind onto anything--that the world didn't seem at all as it used to
+do--that he and his woman had liv'd in peace for thirty years, and the
+marriage state was nat'ral to him--that he had always lik'd Aunt Graves
+since the very first time he see'd her, and so did his woman too;" and many
+more declarations of similar import, and it was signed "J. Longbow, Justice
+of the Peace," and _sealed_ too, like his legal processes, that his dignity
+might command, even if his person did not win, the affections of this
+elderly damsel.
+
+Aunt Graves surrendered--and all this within two months after the death of
+Mrs. Longbow. The Squire cast off his weeds, and made violent preparations
+for matrimony; and on a certain night--I shall never forget it--the affair
+came off.
+
+There was a great gathering at the Squire's--a sort of general invitation
+had been extended far and near--the Swipeses and Beagles, Aunt Sonora, and
+all. Great preparations had been made in the way of eatables. The Squire
+was rigged in a new suit of "_home-made_," (made by Mrs. Longbow, too, in
+her life-time),--a white vest, and he wore a cotton bandana
+neck-handkerchief, with heavy bows, that buried his chin, and a pair of
+pumps and clouded blue stockings. Aunt Graves' dress cannot be described.
+She was a mass of fluttering ribbons, and she looked as though she would
+take wings and fly away.
+
+Bigelow Van Slyck and Ike Turtle conducted the marriage ceremony--the one
+took the ecclesiastical, the other the civil management. When the couple
+were ready, Turtle sat down in front of them with the statutes under his
+arm, with Bigelow at his right hand.
+
+Turtle examined the statutes amid profound silence for some time, turning
+down one leaf here and another there, until he found himself thoroughly
+prepared for the solemn occasion. Finally, he arose, and with a gravity
+that no man ever put on before or since, exclaimed,--
+
+"Miss Graves, hold up your right hand and swear."
+
+Miss Graves said "she was a member of the church, and dar'sent swear."
+
+Ike said it was "legal swearing he wanted, 'cording to the staterts--not
+the wicked sort--he wanted her to swear that she was over fourteen years of
+age--hadn't got no husband living, nowhere--warn't goin' to practise no
+fraud nor nothin' on Squire Longbow--and that she'd jest as good a right to
+get married now as she ever had."
+
+Miss Graves looked blank.
+
+Squire Longbow said "he'd run the risk of the fourteen years of age and the
+fraud, and finally he would of the whole on't. The staterts was well
+enough, but it warn't to be presumed that a _justice of the peace would_
+run agin 'em. Some folks didn't know 'em--he did."
+
+Ike said "there was something another in the statert about wimin's doing
+things 'without any fear or compulsion of anybody,' and he guessed he'd
+take Miss Graves into another room, and examine her separately and apart
+from her intended husband." This was a joke of Turtle's.
+
+The Squire said "that meant _married_ wimin--arter the ceremony was over,
+that ere would be very legal and proper."
+
+Mrs. Swipes said, "for her part, she thought the oath or-ter be put--it
+would be an awful thing to see a poor cretur forced into marriage."
+
+Sister Abigail thought so, too.
+
+Aunt Sonora hoped there wouldn't be nothin' did wrong, "so people could
+take the law on 'em."
+
+Turtle said, "that they needn't any on 'em fret their gizzards--_he_ was
+responsible for the la' of the case."
+
+Bigelow then rose, and told the parties to jine hands, and while they were
+jined, he wanted the whole company to sing a psalm.
+
+The psalm was sung.
+
+Bigelow then commenced the wedding process. "Squire Longbow," exclaimed
+Bigelow--"this is your second wife, and some folks say the third, and I
+hope you feel the awful position in which you find yourself."
+
+The Squire said "he felt easy and resigned--he'd gone inter it from respect
+to his woman who was now no more."
+
+"You do promise to take this ere woman, to eat her, and drink her, and keep
+her in things to wear, so long as you and she lives."
+
+"I do that very thing," responded the Squire.
+
+"And you, on your part," continued Bigelow, turning to Aunt Graves,
+"promise to behave yourself and obey the Squire in all things."
+
+Aunt Graves said "she would, Providence permitting."
+
+This marriage ceremony, I believe, is nearly word for word.
+
+"Then," said Turtle, "wheel yourselves into line, and let's have a dance;"
+and drawing out his fiddle the whole crowd, in five minutes, were tearing
+down at a most furious rate; and when I departed, at about midnight, the
+storm was raging still higher, the whiskey and hot water circulated freely,
+Turtle looked quite abstracted about his eyes, and his footsteps were
+growing more and more uncertain, Bulliphant's face shone like a full moon,
+the voices of the females, a little stimulated, were as noisy and confused
+as those of Babel, and your humble servant--why, he walked home as straight
+as a gun--of course he did--and was able to distinguish a hay-stack from a
+meeting-house, anywhere along the road.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII.
+
+     The Group at "The Eagle."--Entree of a Stranger.--His
+     Opinion of the Tavern.--Bulliphant wakes up.--Can't pick
+     Fowls after Dark.--Sad Case of Mother Gantlet and Dr.
+     Teazle.--Mr. Farindale begins to unbend.--Whistle & Sharp,
+     and their Attorney.--Good Pay.--Legal Conversation.--Going
+     Sniping.--Great Description of the Animal.--The Party start,
+     Farindale holding the Bag.--"Waiting for
+     Snipe."--Farindale's Solitary Return.--His Interview with
+     Whistle & Sharp.--Suing a Puddleford Firm.--Relief
+     Laws.--Farindale gets his Execution.--The Puddleford
+     Bank.--The Appraisers.--Proceeds of the Execution.
+
+
+Late in the fall of the year, early one evening, Turtle, Longbow, Bates,
+the "Colonel," Swipes, and Beagle were congregated at the Eagle. Turtle and
+Bates were engaged at a game of checkers, and each one, fast-anchored at
+his right hand, had a glass of whiskey and water, or, as Turtle called it,
+"a little diluted baldface." Their mouths were pierced with a pipe, in the
+left hand corner, which hung loosely and rakishly down, besmearing their
+laps with ashes, and now and then they puffed forth a column of smoke. The
+"Colonel," Longbow, and the other Puddlefordians were ranged round the
+fire. The Colonel sat in a rickety chair, his feet hoisted up on the mantel
+on a line with his nose, and his shoulders hitched over the ends of its
+posts; the Squire was busily looking into the glowing coals, his hands
+clasped across his breast, unravelling some question of law, and Swipes
+sat very affectionately on Beagle's lap, his right arm thrown around his
+neck.
+
+While in this position, aloud call of "Hallo!" "Landlord!" "O-r-s-t-ler!"
+was heard without.
+
+"Stir yer stumps, old Boniface--a traveller in distress," exclaimed Ike, to
+Bulliphant, who was asleep on a wooden box behind the bar, and was snoring
+louder and louder at each succeeding blast.
+
+"Another two-and-sixpence, old free and easy," added Bates.
+
+"This ere's a licensed tavern, and you must be up and doing, or the la' 'll
+be inter you," gravely remarked the Squire.
+
+By this time the stranger dashed into the bar-room, his face flushed, and
+his temper, or his offended dignity, or both, in the ascendant, and
+exclaimed, ferociously, "Is this a tavern! are you all dead! where's the
+landlord! the hostler! Got any hay--oats!--anything for a gentleman to
+eat!--any place to sleep!"--when Bulliphant rubbed open his eyes with the
+knuckle of his fore-finger, gave a sleepy nod, and stumbled towards the
+door, to provide for his furious guest and his horse.
+
+The stranger walked into the bar-room, unwound two or three gaudy shawls
+from his neck, took off an overcoat, a surtout-coat, shed a pair of
+India-rubber travelling-boots, run both of his hands deep into his
+breeches-pockets, took half a dozen pompous strides across the floor,
+looking down all the while in abstracted mood at his feet, paraded before a
+glass, twisted one of the locks of his hair around his fore-finger, and
+finally brought up with his back to the fire, where he stood, his hands
+holding apart the skirts of his coat, and his attention fixed upon
+something on the ceiling.
+
+Turtle measured him with his eyes several times from head to foot; the
+"Colonel" hitched out of his way and begged his pardon, when, in fact, he
+was not at all _in_ his way; the Squire was quite overcome at the amount of
+opposing dignity brought so directly in contact with him; Bates gravely
+whistled Yankee Doodle, gazing out of the window, and winked over his
+shoulder at Beagle and Swipes, who winked back again.
+
+Bulliphant returned wide awake. "Any turkeys or chickens?" inquired the
+stranger.
+
+"All gone to roost," answered Bulliphant, with a grave kind of brevity.
+
+"Take a broiled chicken," said the stranger, giving a heavy hawk, with his
+hand upon his breast, and spitting half across the floor.
+
+"Have to take it feathers and all, then," said Bulliphant--"wimin folks are
+superstitious--don't b'lieve it's right to pick fowls in the night--'twas
+jest so with my wife's grandmother--she had the same complaint."
+
+The stranger looked very hard at Bulliphant, and spit again, somewhat
+spitefully.
+
+"Can give you mush, souse, slap-jacks, briled pork," continued Bulliphant,
+looking quizzically towards Turtle.
+
+The stranger said, "he thought he'd stopped at a _tavern_--but he'd a great
+deal better turned himself into the woods, and browsed for supper"--and
+heaving a long sigh, sat down, and crossed his legs in a settled mood of
+desperation.
+
+Bulliphant said "there warn't no cause for alarm--he'd seen sicker men than
+he die--and get well, too."
+
+The stranger grunted and shifted his legs.
+
+There was a long silence. All the Puddlefordians, except Ike and Bates, who
+were absorbed in their game, were looking soberly and steadily into the
+burning logs.
+
+"Turtle," exclaimed Swipes, at last, breaking the solitude--"is that man
+goin' to die?"
+
+"Can't tell," replied Turtle; "his life's on a pize--may turn one way, may
+turn t'other," and he took out his pipe, and blew a long whiff.
+
+"Sleep well, last night?"
+
+"Groan'd some 'bout midnight."
+
+Swipes looked very sad, and the stranger's eyes passed from face to face
+with anxious looks.
+
+"Ain't goin' to bleed to death?"
+
+"Not zactly that, but mortification's goin' to set in, and he cannot stand
+it long, when that takes him."
+
+"Dear me!" exclaimed the Colonel.
+
+"Very strange case!" added the Squire.
+
+"Great loss!" rejoined Bates.
+
+The stranger, who was none other than the junior member of the firm of
+Follett, Fizzlet & Farindale, dry goods merchants, doing business in the
+city of New York, and who was out at Puddleford hunting up the firm of
+Whistle & Sharp, a couple of debtors, whose account had been in the rear
+for some time--the stranger, I say, became very anxious to hear the
+particulars of the man whose life was in jeopardy--and he exclaimed before
+he thought--"What is it, gentlemen?--who's hurt?"
+
+"Why," said Ike, his face all the while cast iron, and his eyes steadily
+fixed on his game; "why, you see, old mother Gantlet was took with a
+violent mis'ry in her head--sent for Dr. Teazle--our village doctor
+here--the old 'oman said her head would bust--doctor said it wouldn't--the
+old 'oman said it would--the doctor said he'd tie it up--and he _did_ try
+to tie it up, stranger--and while he was busy, her head _did_ bust, and
+blew off the doctor's thumb and fore-finger"--and Ike shoved a man into the
+king-row and crowned him, without a look at Mr. Farindale, his face all the
+while as rigid as a tombstone.
+
+Mr. Farindale gave a long whistle, and immediately called for a cigar; the
+Colonel dropped a quid of tobacco into his hand, and gave it a toss across
+the bar-room; Longbow shot forth a dignified spit into the fire, or rather
+it seemed to shoot out itself, without moving a muscle, and Bates stroked
+his chin several times with his left hand.
+
+A long pause ensued. "What became of the woman?" inquired Farindale, after
+five minutes, looking sharply at Ike.
+
+"She hain't been heer'd on since, as I knows on," replied Ike; "but the
+_doctor's_ in a dref-ul state."
+
+The game of checkers closed, and Ike and Bates moved around near Mr.
+Farindale.
+
+"Stranger," said Ike, "travelled long in these ere parts?"
+
+"Not long--but long enough."
+
+"Goin' on?"
+
+"On where?"
+
+"Why, on to the next place?"
+
+"Does Whistle & Sharp live hereabouts?" inquired Farindale, without
+answering Ike's question.
+
+"To be sure they do," said Ike; "I know 'em like a book; am their 'torney."
+
+"Their attorney--_you_ their attorney--attorney of Whistle & Sharp," said
+the stranger, slowly and musingly, scratching his head with his
+fore-finger.
+
+"Got anything for 'em or agin 'em?" inquired Ike.
+
+"Are they good pay?" inquired the stranger.
+
+"Always pays at the end of an execution," replied Ike--"never
+before--allers takes a receipt on the docket--makes their settlements a
+matter of record--puts things where they can't be ripp'd up--best way,
+ain't it, stranger?"
+
+The stranger grunted, "Humph!"
+
+"And then," said Ike, "there's no dispute 'bout authority to collect.
+Everybody can't tell who everybody's agent is. One New York clark run'd
+away one year with all the collections from Puddleford in his
+breeches-pocket; but the court _has_ authority--gin'ral jurisdiction--and
+the discharge of a court is a discharge what _is_ a discharge."
+
+"That's a real opinion," exclaimed Longbow, who had not spoken for half an
+hour; "there's nothin' like a _court_ to put a finish onter things;" and
+the Squire gave two or three heavy coughs, and blew his nose into his red
+cotton handkerchief, and doubling it up into a wad, looked around very
+gravely at Farindale as he dropped it back into his hat.
+
+"Authority! The authority of courts to collect debts! They may have
+authority, but I never saw a court that had the _power_ to collect a debt
+of me," exclaimed the Colonel, shifting his tobacco from one side of his
+mouth to the other as he spoke; "and I never put in a plea in my life--the
+plea always puts _itself_ in, and is a dead bar to further proceedings
+every time--'no assets'--'nothing whereon to levy'"--
+
+"_Nully Bony! Nully Bony!_ you mean," said the Squire, horror-stricken at
+the Colonel's use of law language.
+
+"That's it," said Bates; "hain't got nothin' to get onter"--
+
+"And ain't nowhere to be found, nor nothin'," added Turtle.
+
+"Just so," said the Colonel; "a kind of general suspension for want of
+capital--the fiddle's on hand, but the bow is gone."
+
+The stranger was puzzled at the Puddlefordian view of paying debts, and
+wondered if Whistle & Sharp were advocates of the same doctrine.
+
+"Stranger!" said Bates, turning the subject of conversation, "do you ever
+hunt?"
+
+"Never," answered Farindale.
+
+"Rare sport to-night, going a-sniping," said Bates.
+
+"_Sni_-ping?" inquired the stranger, emphasizing the first syllable;
+"_sni_-ping! what is _sni_-ping?"
+
+"_Sni_-ping?" answered Bates--"why, catching snipe, to be sure."
+
+"Great sport," said the Colonel; "bagged three hundred night before last."
+
+"The real yaller legs, too!" remarked Turtle.
+
+Farindale said "he would like to accompany them--never saw a snipe in his
+life--would like to take one back to the city. Do they _sing_?" he
+inquired, turning to Turtle.
+
+"Great singers! catch any tune! s'prising critters to larn," answered Ike;
+"got one up to my house that goes thro' half of 'Old Hundred,' by jest
+hearing the folks hum it round the house."
+
+"_Re_-markable!" exclaimed Farindale.
+
+"Great eating, too," said Longbow.
+
+"Hain't got mor'n two or three bones in their whole body; all the rest
+meat," said Bates.
+
+Preparations were immediately made for the sniping expedition. The stranger
+put on his India-rubber boots, and shawls, and overcoat; Ike procured a
+large bag of Bulliphant; and all hands, excepting Squire Longbow, whose
+dignity forbade anything like sport, wended their way to the river, where,
+Turtle said, "there were whole droves on 'em."
+
+"Now," whispered Turtle, drawing Farindale close to him, and holding his
+arm all the while as he spoke in his ear, "we must keep very still--snipe
+are scary critters, and when they get frightened they put straight for the
+river. There is a big log out yonder--a favorite spot of theirs--down which
+they travel and jump off into the river. You jest take this ere bag, creep
+softly down to the log, slip the bag over the end on't, and wait there
+until we drive in the snipe. Don't speak--don't move; make 'em think you
+are the trunk of a tree; and when the bag is full, slip it off, and close
+it in a jiffy."
+
+"Yes! yes!" whispered back Farindale.
+
+"Mind, don't stir from your post till I halloo."
+
+"No! no!" said Farindale.
+
+Farindale did as he was directed. He found, however, a foot of black muck;
+but, after "slumping" a while, he managed to plant his spread legs out like
+a pair of extended compasses, and slide the bag over the log. Here he
+stood, half bent together, grasping the bag, and waiting for snipe.
+
+There was a beating of the bushes around him; then all was still; then
+another beating, and another, and then a longer silence. Farindale was
+sinking deeper and deeper in the mud, and the water was nearly to the top
+of his boots. By and by, the noises ceased--no foot-step could be heard,
+and the stranger was alone with the bag and the log, and half up to his
+middle--_waiting for snipe_.
+
+What ever became of the Puddlefordians is more than I can say. Farindale
+returned to the Eagle alone. Early the next morning he might have been
+found in anxious consultation with Whistle & Sharp concerning a claim there
+of a hundred and twelve dollars, and interest after six months, which he
+was very desirous to secure or settle. Mr. Whistle, the senior member of
+the firm of Whistle & Sharp, was a very thin-faced man, with sandy hair
+that had seldom been combed, and he wore a faded blue coat with metal
+buttons, the two behind having been placed just under his armpits, which
+made him look as though some invisible power was all the while lifting him
+up from the ground. His woollen pantaloons had passed so many times through
+the wash-tub, that he was obliged to strain out the wrinkles when he put
+them on, and they clung as tight to his legs as his skin. Sharp was a
+little man, had a long face, and his mouth seemed to have been bored--for
+it was round--about midway between his chin and his forehead; and he was
+always wasping around, giving consequential orders about nothing, and very
+often spoke of the _firm_ of Whistle & Sharp, and what Whistle & Sharp had
+done, and what Whistle & Sharp could do, and would do.
+
+Mr. Whistle informed Mr. Farindale that "the debt could not be paid at
+present, although," he added, "that the firm of Whistle & Sharp were good
+for ten times that amount."
+
+"And another ten top of that," added Sharp, from the other end of the
+store, where he was tumbling down and putting up goods by way of exercise.
+
+"Can you secure them?" inquired Farindale.
+
+"Well, now, you _have_ said it!" exclaimed Whistle, with apparent
+astonishment. "What can be safer than the firm of Whistle &
+Sharp?--_secure!_--never had such a thing hinted before during the ten
+years of our business."
+
+"A mortgage," insinuated Farindale.
+
+"Can't do _that_,--not no how; my old grandfather was swept out clean with
+a mortgage once; took all he had, and he was compelled to emigrate; died of
+broken heart at last."
+
+"Then," said Farindale, "I must sue."
+
+"What! sue the firm of Whistle & Sharp! Very well, sir, do, if you please."
+
+"Yes-sir-_ee_--horse-cob! Mr. Follett, Fizzlet & Farindale," exclaimed
+Sharp, springing at one bound over the counter; "just sue us
+if--_you_--please; we'll pay the costs!" and Sharp whistled a tune with his
+eyes fixed steadily upon Farindale.
+
+"Court sits next month," said Whistle.
+
+"And we'll confess judgment," said Sharp.
+
+"And the _pay_ is sure," said Whistle.
+
+"And no trouble hereafter," said Sharp.
+
+Mr. Farindale began to think another sniping expedition was afoot. He was
+not a coward, if his cockneyism had lured him after snipe; but he was
+unable to determine what kind of people the Puddlefordians were. He had
+never met anything like them. So he sat in his chair, the account against
+Whistle & Sharp in his hand, tapping the floor with his right foot, trying
+to devise some way to secure his claim.
+
+A thought struck him. "Pay it, and I will make a discount of twenty-five
+per cent.," said he.
+
+"What's that you say?" indignantly exclaimed Sharp. "Do you mean to injure
+our firm?--the firm of Whistle & Sharp, who pay dollar for dollar! That
+ere, sir, is an insult. There's the door--walk! Sue! but you can't insult
+_us_ on our own premises. That's the way to talk it, sir!" And Mr.
+Farindale _did_ go, and he _did_ sue, and the firm recovered a judgment
+against Whistle & Sharp for the sum of three hundred and twenty-four
+dollars and sixteen cents, and costs of suit.
+
+It was no great matter to recover a judgment against a Puddlefordian; but
+it was something of a business to realize the damages. And that the reader
+may understand what kind of a prospect Follett, Fizzlet & Farindale had for
+their money, it is necessary to speak of the laws then in force for the
+collection of debts. The new states at that time were entirely "shingled
+over" with relief laws, which were passed to save the property of the
+pioneer from sacrifice. There was scarcely any money in Puddleford, and
+exchanges were made by barter. Personal property was valued by its relation
+to other property; eight yards of calico were worth so much wheat, corn,
+potash, cord-wood, or saw-logs. The merchant managed to turn his grain
+into high wines, or put it in some other shape that would bear
+transportation, and he was thus enabled to pay _his_ debts. The farmer gave
+the mechanic an order on the merchant; the professional man took an order
+on the merchant; the day-laborer took an order on the merchant; everybody
+took an order on the merchant. The merchant was general paymaster; what he
+could not, or would not pay, remained unpaid; and he, in his turn, swept
+the farmer's crops, and took everything available; and the balance yet his
+due, and remaining unpaid, if any, was carried over against the farmer, and
+against the next crop. Thus the whole business of Puddleford ran through
+the merchant like wheat through a mill, and generally at a profit to the
+latter of from seventy-five to a hundred per cent.
+
+It was this condition of the country that drove the legislature into the
+enactment of relief-laws. As there was no money to pay debts, it was
+enacted that property should be a legal tender. The law in force, at the
+date of the judgment against Whistle & Sharp, was a beautiful specimen of
+legislative impudence and ingenuity. It _was_ a relief law! One section of
+the act provided, in substance, that upon the presentation of an execution,
+issued by any court in the state, by the officer to whom the same shall be
+directed, to the debtor or debtors mentioned therein, _such debtor or
+debtors may turn out any property, personal or real, to said officer_ who
+shall levy on the same; and the said officer shall cause the same to be
+appraised by three appraisers, one to be chosen by the plaintiff, one by
+the defendant, and one by the officer, who shall forthwith be sworn, etc.,
+and proceed to appraise said property turned out at its true cash value;
+and the said plaintiff in such execution shall receive said property at two
+thirds its appraised value; and, if he refuse, he shall not proceed any
+farther with his execution, or have another, _until he first pay up all the
+costs of said appraisement_.[A]
+
+An execution was issued by J. Snappit, Esq., attorney for Follett, Fizzlet
+& Farindale, upon the judgment, recorded as foresaid, against the firm of
+Whistle & Sharp, and put into the hands of the sheriff for collection.
+
+Now the sheriff of the county which included Puddleford within its limits
+was an accommodating man, a humane man, a man of the people, a--politician.
+He did not think it necessary to oppress debtors who were unfortunately
+unable to pay their debts--for the people elected him. Follett, Fizzlet &
+Farindale never voted for _him_--never could vote for him; Whistle & Sharp
+had, and would again. So the sheriff went down to Puddleford, and very
+politely informed them, with a wink, that "he had _that_ execution against
+them, and it must be paid."
+
+"Jest so--jest so," answered Sharp, reading over the writ: "Whistle & Sharp
+always pay--always have a pile of assets ready for a levy;" and returning
+the execution to the sheriff, begged a moment's delay, until "_we_ could
+consult with our attorney."
+
+Mr. Turtle was consulted, and the conclusion of Sharp's interview with him
+amounted to this: that Turtle should go immediately, and purchase for
+Whistle & Sharp the old steamboat cylinder, crank, and shaft; and the
+parties separated.
+
+The steamboat cylinder, crank, and shaft, alluded to, was what Turtle
+called the "Puddleford bank--metallic basis." Some years before, a
+steamboat, on an exploring expedition up the river, among its windings and
+sand-bars, was wrecked, and a heavy cylinder, crank, and shaft, thrown
+ashore at Puddleford, where they lay at the period I speak of, and had for
+a long time, deeply imbedded in sand. This mass of iron, weighing many
+tons, had for a long time been a perpetual bar to the collection of all
+debts against Puddlefordians. Chitty, in his Pleadings, never invented one
+so omnipotent. It suspended every execution directed against it. It was
+transferred, by bill of sale, from one Puddlefordian to another (as no
+creditor was ever found willing to receive it at any price), as necessity
+required, and was considered, by common consent, public property--a "bank"
+as Turtle called it, "to which any person had a right to resort in
+distress."[B]
+
+Turtle took a bill of sale of this iron from the last man in trouble, and
+turned it out to the sheriff on the execution against Whistle & Sharp.
+
+"Now, Mr. Sheriff," said Turtle, triumphantly, "bring on your ap_pri_zers;
+a thousand dollars' worth of property to pay a little over three hundred.
+My clients, Whistle & Sharp, are bunkum yet--allers stand up to the rack at
+the end of an execution. Bring on your ap_pri_zers, Mr. Sheriff."
+
+Mr. Turtle chose an appraiser first--a second cousin of Mr. Whistle, of
+the firm of Whistle & Sharp, and a man who was deeply in debt on their
+books--a bilious, weazen-faced, melancholy-looking man, who had acquired a
+great reputation for wisdom by saying nothing--whose name was Clinket. No
+one appearing to choose for the plaintiffs, the sheriff selected the other
+two. He named Mr. Troper, a seedy old fellow, whose crown was half out of
+his hat, whose beard was white, his nose red, and who had a whiskey-cough,
+and who was in the habit of visiting the barrel-tap of Whistle & Sharp
+three or four times a day, in consideration of odd jobs performed by him
+around the store; also, Mr. Fatler, a chubby-faced, twinkle-eyed wag, who
+would not hesitate to perpetrate a good joke, even under oath, particularly
+upon non-residents.
+
+The Puddlefordians were out in mass to see Follett & Co. try a run on their
+"bank." Many remarks were made.
+
+Bulliphant said "the cylinder alone cost five hundred dollars."
+
+Swipes said "it was a bully piece of stuff."
+
+"How much is the debt?" inquired Bates.
+
+"Two thirds of twelve hundred," exclaimed Turtle, loudly, "is eight
+hundred."
+
+"Worth the debt for old iron," said the Colonel.
+
+These remarks, designed for the appraisers, had their effect; they
+examined; they figured; retired for consultation; returned; retired again;
+and finally appraised the property turned out at sixteen hundred dollars;
+paying, at two thirds its _value_, the debt of Whistle & Sharp, and leaving
+a very handsome surplus due them from their creditors. But I am very happy
+to be enabled to say that Whistle & Sharp most magnanimously offered to
+release all _their_ claim on the levy to Follett & Co., if they would take
+the property, and discharge the judgment and costs, "making," as they said
+in their letter to them, "a clear profit on their part of from four to five
+hundred dollars."
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[A] This is the substance of a portion of the act, as it stood in force
+some years.
+
+[B] This is a literal fact.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII.
+
+     The "Fev-Nag."--Conflicting Theories.--"Oxergin and
+     Hydergin."--Teazle's Rationale.--The Scourge of the
+     West.--Sile Bates, and his Condition.--Squire Longbow and
+     Jim Buzzard.--Puddleford Prostrate.--Various
+     Practitioners.--"The Billerous Duck."--Pioneer
+     Martyrs.--Wave over Wave.
+
+
+During my first fall's residence at Puddleford, I frequently heard a
+character spoken of, who seemed to be full as famous in the annals of the
+place as Squire Longbow himself. He was called by a great variety of names,
+and very seldom alluded to with respect. He was termed the "Fev-Nag," the
+"Ag-an-Fev," the "Shakin' Ager," the "Shakes," and a great variety of other
+hard names were visited upon him.
+
+That he was the greatest scourge Puddleford had to contend with, no one
+denied. Who he really was, what he was, where born, and for what purpose,
+was a question. Dobbs had one theory, Short another, and Teazle still
+another. Dr. Dobbs said "that his appearance must be accounted for in this
+wise--that the marshes were all covered with water in the spring, that the
+sun began to grow so all-fir'd hot 'long 'bout July and August, that it
+cream'd over the water with a green scum, and rotted the grass, and this
+all got stewed inter a morning fog, that rose up and elated itself among
+the Ox-er-gin and Hy-der-gin, and pizened everybody it touched."
+
+Dr. Dobbs delivered this opinion at the public house, in a very oracular
+style. I noticed several Puddlefordians in his presence at the time, and
+before he closed, their jaws dropped, and their gaping mouths and expanded
+eyes were fixed upon him with wonder.
+
+Dr. Teazle declared that "Dobbs didn't know anything about it. He said the
+ager was buried up in the airth, and that when the sile was turned up, it
+got loose, and folks breath'd it into their lungs, and from the lungs it
+went into the liver, and from the liver it went to the kidneys, and the
+secretions got fuzzled up, and the bile turn'd black, and the blood didn't
+run, and it set everybody's inards all a-tremblin'."
+
+Without attempting the origin of the ague and fever, it was, and always has
+been, the scourge of the West. It is the foe that the West has ever had to
+contend with. It delays improvement, saps constitutions, shatters the whole
+man, and lays the foundation for innumerable diseases that follow and
+finish the work for the grave. It is not only ague and fever that so
+seriously prostrates the pioneer, but the whole family of intermittent and
+remittent fevers, all results of the same cause, press in to destroy.
+Perhaps no one evil is so much dreaded. Labor, privation, poverty, are
+nothing in comparison. It is, of course, fought in a great variety of ways,
+and the remedies are as numerous as they are ridiculous. A physician who is
+really skilful in the treatment of these diseases is, of course, on the
+road to wealth, but skilful physicians were not frequent in Puddleford, as
+the reader has probably discovered.
+
+I recollect that, during the months of September and October, subsequently
+to my arrival, all Puddleford was "down," to use the expression of the
+country; and if the reader will bear with me, and pledge himself not to
+accuse me of trifling with so serious a subject, I will endeavor to
+describe Puddleford "in distress."
+
+I will premise by saying that it is expected that persons who are on their
+feet during these visitations, give up their time and means to those who
+are not. There is a nobleness of soul in a western community in this
+respect that does honor to human nature. A village is one great
+family--every member must be provided for--old grudges are, for the time,
+buried.
+
+I have now a very vivid remembrance of seeing Sile Bates, one bright
+October morning, walking through the main street of Puddleford, at the pace
+of a funeral procession, his old winter overcoat on, and a faded shawl tied
+about his cheeks. Sile informed me "that he believed the ager was comin'
+on-ter him--that he had a spell on't the day before, and the day before
+that--that he had been a-stewin' up things to break the fits, and clean out
+his constitution, but it stuck to him like death on-ter a nigger"--he said
+"his woman and two boys were shakin' like all possess't, and he railly
+believed if somebody didn't stop it, the log-cabin would tumble down round
+their ears." He said "there warn't nobody to do nuthin' 'bout house, and
+that all the neighbors were worse off than he was."
+
+Sile was a melancholy object indeed. And in all conscience, reader, did you
+ever behold so solemn, woe-begone a thing on the round earth, as a man
+undergoing the full merits of ague and fever? Sile sat down on a barrel and
+commenced gaping and stretching, and now and then dropped a remark
+expressive of his condition. He finally began to chatter, and the more he
+chattered, the more ferocious he waxed. He swore "that if he ever got well,
+he'd burn his house, sell his traps, 'bandon his land, pile his family into
+his cart, hitch on his oxen, and drive 'em, and drive 'em to the north
+pole, where there warn't no ager, he knew. One minit," he said, "he was
+a-freezin', and then he was a-burnin', and then he was a-sweatin' to death,
+and then he had a well day, and that didn't 'mount to nothin', for the
+critter was only gettin' strength to jump on him agin the next." Sile at
+last exhausted himself, and getting upon his feet, went off muttering and
+shaking towards his house.
+
+The next man I met was Squire Longbow. The Squire was moving slower, if
+possible, than Bates. His face looked as if it had been just turned out of
+yellow oak, and his eyes were as yellow as his face. As the Squire never
+surrendered to anything, I found him not disposed to surrender to ague and
+fever. He said "he'd only had a little brush, but he'd knock it out on-him
+in a day or two. He was jist goin' out to scrape some elder bark _up_, to
+act as an emetic, as Aunt Sonora said if he scraped it _down_, it would
+have t'other effect--and that would kill it as dead as a door-nail."
+
+I soon overhauled Jim Buzzard, lying half asleep in the bottom of his
+canoe, brushing off flies with an oak branch. Jim, too, was a case, but it
+required something more than sickness to disturb his equilibrium. Jim said
+"he warn't sick, but he felt the awfulest tired any dog ever did--he was
+the all-thunderest cold, t'other day, _he_ ever was in hot
+weather--somethin' 'nother came on ter him all of a suddint, and set his
+knees all goin', and his jaws a quiv'rin', and so he li'd down inter the
+sun, but the more he li'd, the more he kept on a shakin', and then that
+are all went off agin, and he'd be darned to gracious if he didn't think
+he'd burn up--and so he just jumped inter the river, and cool'd off--and,
+now he feel'd jist so agin--and so he'd got where the sun could strike him
+a little harder this time. What shall a feller do?" at last inquired Jim.
+
+"Take medicine," said I.
+
+"Not by a jug-full," said Jim. "Them are doctors don't get any of their
+stuff down my throat. If I can't stand it as long as the ager, then I'll
+give in. Let-er-shake if it warnts to--it works harder than I do, and will
+get tir'd byme-by. Have you a little plug by-yer jest now, as I haven't had
+a chew sin' morning, as it may help a feller some?" Jim took the tobacco,
+rolled over in his canoe, gave a grunt, and composed himself for sleep.
+
+This portrait of Buzzard would not be ludicrous, if it was not true.
+Whether Socrates or Plato, or any other heathen philosopher, has ever
+attempted to define this kind of happiness, is more than I can say. In
+fact, reader, I do not believe that there was one real Jim Buzzard in the
+whole Grecian republic.
+
+But why speak of individual cases? Nearly all Puddleford was
+prostrate--man, woman, and child. There were a few exceptions, and the aid
+of those few was nothing compared to the great demand of the sick. It was
+providential that the nature of the disease admitted of one well day,
+because there was an opportunity to "exchange works," and the sick of
+to-day could assist the sick of to-morrow, and so _vice versa_.
+
+I looked through the sick families, and found the patients in all
+conditions. One lady had "just broke the ager on-ter her by sax-fax tea,
+mix'd with Colombo." Another "had been a-tryin' eli-cum-paine and pop'lar
+bark, but it didn't lie good on her stomach, and made her enymost crazy."
+Another woman was "so as to be crawlin'"--another was "getting quite
+peert"--another "couldn't keep anything down, she felt so qualmly"--another
+said, "the disease was runnin' her right inter the black janders, and then
+she _was_ gone"--another had "run clear of yesterday's chill, and was now
+goin' to weather it;" and so on, through scores of cases.
+
+It is worthy of note, the popular opinion of the character of this disease.
+Although Puddleford had been afflicted with it for years, yet it was no
+better understood by the mass of community than it was at first. I have
+already given the opinion of Dobbs and Teazle of the _causes_ of the ague;
+but as Dobbs and Teazle held entirely different theories, Puddleford was
+not much enlightened by their wisdom. (If some friend will inform me when
+and where any community was ever enlightened by the _united_ opinion of its
+physicians, I will publish it in my next work.) Aunt Sonora had a theory
+which was a little old, but it was hers, and she had a right to it. She
+said "nobody on airth could live with a stomach full of bile, and when the
+shakin' ager come on, you'd jest got-ter go to work and get off all the
+bile--bile _was_ the ager, and physicians might talk to her till she was
+gray 'bout well folks having bile--she know'd better--twarn't no such
+thing."
+
+Now Aunt Sonora practised upon this theory, and the excellent old lady
+administered a cart-load of boneset every season--blows to elevate the
+bile, and the leaf as a tonic. However erroneous her theory might have
+been, I am bound to say that her practice was about as successful as that
+of the regular physician.
+
+Mr. Beagle declared "that the ager was in the blood, and the patient must
+first get rid of all his bad blood, and then the ager would go along with
+it." Swipes said "it was all in the stomach." Dobbs said "the billerous
+duck chok'd up with the mash fogs, and the secretions went every which way,
+and the liver got as hard as sole-leather, and the patient becom' sick, and
+the ager set in, and then the fever, and the hull system got-er goin'
+wrong, and if it warn't stopped, natur'd give out, and the man would die."
+Teazle said "it com'd from the plough'd earth, and got inter the air, and
+jist so long as folks breath'd agery air, jist so long they'd have the
+ager." Turtle said "the whole tribe on 'em, men-doctors and women-doctors,
+were blockheads, and the surest way to get rid of the ager, was to let it
+run, and when it had run itself out, it would stop, and not 'afore."
+
+Here, then, was Puddleford at the mercy of a dozen theories, and yet men
+and women recovered, when the season had run its course, and were tolerably
+sure of health, until another year brought around another instalment of
+miasma.
+
+How many crops of men have been swept off by the malaria of every new
+western country, I will not attempt to calculate! How many, few persons
+have ever attempted! This item very seldom goes into the cost of
+colonization. Pioneers are martyrs in a sublime sense, and it is over their
+bones that school-houses, churches, colleges, learning, and refinement are
+finally planted. But the death of a pioneer is a matter of no moment in
+our country--it is almost as trifling a thing as the death of a soldier in
+an Indian fight. There is no glory to be won on any such field. One
+generation rides over another, like waves over waves, and "no such
+miserable interrogatory," as Where has it gone? or How did it go? is put;
+but What did it do?--What has it left behind?
+
+Any one who has long been a resident in the West, must have noticed the
+operation of climate upon the constitution. The man from the New England
+mountains, with sinews of steel, soon finds himself flagging amid western
+miasma, and a kind of stupidity creeps over him, that it is impossible to
+shake off. The system grows torpid, the energies die, indifference takes
+possession, and thus he vegetates--he does not live.
+
+And, dear reader, it does not lighten the gloom of the picture to find
+Dobbs, and Teazle, and Short, quarrelling over the remains of some departed
+one, endeavoring to delude the public into something themselves have no
+conception of, about the manner in which he or she went out of the world.
+Not that all the physicians are Dobbses or Teazles, but these sketches are
+written away out on the rim of society, the rim of western society, where
+the townships are not yet all organized, and a sacred regard to truth
+compels me to record facts as they exist.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV.
+
+     Uncommonly Common Schools.--Annual School District
+     Meeting.--Accounts for Contingent Expenses.--Turtle and Old
+     Gulick's Boy.--"That are Glass."--The Colonel starts the
+     Wheels again.--Bulliphant's Tactics.--Have we hired "Deacon
+     Fluett's Darter," or not?--Isabel Strickett.--Bunker Hill
+     and Turkey.--Sah-Jane Beagles.--The Question settled.
+
+
+Common schools are said to be the engine of popular liberty. I think we had
+some of the most _un_-commonly common schools, at Puddleford, that could be
+found anywhere under the wings of the American eagle. Our system was, of
+course, the same as that of all other townships in the state, but its
+administration was not in all respects what it should be. Our schools were
+managed by Puddlefordians, and they were responsible only for the talent
+which had been given them. Every citizen knows that our government is a
+piece of mechanism, made up of wheels within wheels, and while these wheels
+are in one sense totally independent, and stand still or turn as they are
+moved or let alone, yet they may indirectly affect the whole. In other
+words, our government is like a cluster of Chinese balls, curiously wrought
+within, and detached from each other, and yet it is, after all, but one
+ball. There is something beautiful in the construction and operation of
+this piece of machinery. A school district is one machine, a township
+another, a county another, and a state another--all independent
+organizations, yet every community must work its own organization. They are
+not operated afar off by some great central power, over the heads of the
+people; but they are worked _by_ the people themselves, for themselves.
+
+However clumsily the work may be performed at first, practice makes
+perfect, and men become the masters, as well as the administrators of their
+own laws.
+
+We had an annual school district meeting in the village of Puddleford--and
+there were many others in the country at the same time--for the township
+was cut up into several districts, and I never attended one that did not
+end in a "row," to use a western classical expression. The business of
+these meetings was all prescribed by statute, and it amounted to settling
+and allowing the accounts of the board for the last school year, voting
+contingent fund for the next, determining whether a school should be taught
+by a male or a female teacher, and for how many months, and the election of
+new officers.
+
+The last meeting I attended, Longbow was in the chair by virtue of his
+office as president of the school district board. Being organized, the
+clerk of the board presented his account for contingent expenses, and
+Longbow wished to know "if the meetin' would pass 'em."
+
+Turtle "wanted to hear 'em read."
+
+Longbow said "the only account they had was in their head."
+
+Turtle said "that warn't 'cordin' to the staterts."
+
+Longbow said "he'd risk that--his word was as good as anybody's writin', or
+any statert."
+
+Turtle said "he'd hear what they was, but 'twarn't right, and for his
+part, he didn't b'lieve the board know'd what they'd been about for the
+last six months."
+
+Longbow raised his green shade from his blind eye, rose on his feet, looked
+down very ferociously upon Turtle, stamped his foot, and informed Ike "that
+this was an org'nized meetin', and he mustn't reflect on-ter the officers
+of the _de_-strict; 'twas criminal!"
+
+The account was then repeated by Longbow, item by item, and among the rest
+was two shillings for setting glass.
+
+When glass was mentioned, Turtle sprang to his feet again. "Thar, old man,"
+he exclaimed, rapping his knuckles on the desk, "thar's where I'se got
+you--thar's a breach er trust, a squand'rin' of funds, that ain't a-going
+to go down in this ere meetin'. Old Gulick's boy broke that are glass just
+out of sheer dev'ltry, and you s'pose this ere school _de_-strict is
+a-goin' to pay for't? What do you s'pose these ere staterts was passed for?
+What do you s'pose you was 'lected for? To pay for old Gulick's boy?--Well,
+I rather caklate not, by the light of this ere moon--not in this ere age of
+Puddleford."
+
+Squire Longbow took a large chew of plug-tobacco, which I thought he nipped
+off very short, and remained standing, with his eyes fixed on Turtle.
+
+Sile Bates rose, and said "he wanted to know the particulars 'bout that are
+glass."
+
+Longbow said "the board 'spended money in their 'scretion, and 'twarn't fur
+Turtle or Bates, or anybody else, to 'raign 'em up 'fore this 'ere
+meetin'."
+
+Here was a long pause. The "Colonel" finally arose, put his hand
+deliberately into his pocket, drew out a quarter, and flung it at the
+Squire, and "hop'd the meetin' would go on, as it was the first public
+gathering that he ever knew blocked by twenty-five cents."
+
+This settled the difficulty, and the report for contingent expenses was
+adopted.
+
+Bulliphant then said he had a motion. He "moved that we hire Deacon
+Fluett's darter to keep our school."
+
+The Squire said "the meetin' couldn't hire, but it could say male or female
+teacher."
+
+Bulliphant "moved we hire a female, and we recommend Deacon Fluett's
+darter."
+
+Bates said "he jest as 'lieve have one of Fluett's two-year olds."
+
+The "Colonel" said "she couldn't spell Baker."
+
+Swipes thought "she was scarcely fit to _go_ to school."
+
+Turtle said "the meetin' hadn't got nothin' to do with it, nohow, and the
+whole motion was agin law."
+
+Bulliphant, who had become a little out of humor, then "moved that we don't
+hire Deacon Fluett's darter."
+
+Bates declared "the motion out of order."
+
+The Squire said "he guess'd the motion was proper. The staterts said the
+meetin' shouldn't hire anybody, but the de-strict board should; and this
+ere motion was jest 'cordin' to statert."
+
+But the meeting voted down Bulliphant's motion, and Bulliphant then
+declared that the vote was "tan-ter-mount to a resolve to hire the woman."
+
+Here was a parliamentary entanglement that occupied an hour; but the
+"Colonel" settled it at last, by reminding the president "that it was _two_
+negatives that made one affirmative--not one;" and the Squire said "so he
+believed he had seen it laid down inter the books."
+
+But I cannot attempt to report the proceedings of this miscellaneous body.
+The business occupied some four or five hours, and was finally brought to a
+close. A new school board was elected, and your humble servant was one of
+the number; positively the first office that was ever visited upon him.
+
+The great question with two of the members of our board, in hiring a
+teacher, was the price. Qualification was secondary. The first application
+was made by a long-armed, red-necked, fiery-headed youth of about nineteen
+years, who had managed to run himself up into the world about six feet two
+inches, and who had not worn off his flesh by hard study, and who carried
+about him digestive organs as strong as the bowels of a thrashing-machine.
+He "wanted a school, 'cause he had nothing else to do in the winter
+months."
+
+He was accordingly introduced to our School Inspectors; the only one of
+whom I knew was Bates. The other two were rather more frightened at the
+presentation than the applicant himself.
+
+Bates proposed first to try the gentleman in geography and history.
+"Where's Bunker Hill?" inquired Bates, authoritatively.
+
+"Wal, 'bout that," said Strickett--our applicant called his name Izabel
+Strickett--"'bout that, why, it's where the battle was fit, warn't it?"
+
+"Jes so," replied Bates; "and where was that?"
+
+"Down at the east'ard."
+
+"Who did the fightin' there?"
+
+"Gin'rul Washington fit all the revolution."
+
+"Where's Spain?"
+
+"Where?" repeated Strickett--"Spain? where is it?"
+
+"Yes! where?"
+
+[Illustration: JIM BUZZARD AND THE AGER.
+
+"Them 'ere doctors don't get any of their stuff down my throat. If I can't
+stand it as long as the _ager_, then I'll give in."--Page 186.]
+
+"Wal, now," exclaimed Strickett, looking steadily on the floor, "I'll be
+darn'd if that ere hain't just slipped my mind."
+
+"Where's Turkey?"
+
+"O, yes," said Strickett, "Turkey--the place they _call_ Turkey--if you'd
+ask'd me in the street, I'd told you right off, but I've got so fruster'd I
+don't know nothin';" and thinking a moment, he exclaimed, "it's where the
+Turks live. I thought I know'd."
+
+"How many States are there in the Union?"
+
+"'Tween twenty-live and thirty--throwin' out Canady."
+
+Bates then attempted an examination in reading and spelling. "Spell hos!"
+said Bates.
+
+"H--o--s."
+
+"Thunder!" roared Bates. Bates _did_ know how to spell horse. He had seen
+notices of stray horses, and a horse was the most conspicuous object in
+Puddleford, excepting, of course, Squire Longbow. "H--o--s! that's a
+hos-of-a-way to spell hos!" and Bates looked at Strickett very severely,
+feeling a pride of his own knowledge.
+
+Strickett said "he us'd the book when he teach'd school--he didn't teach
+out of his head--and he didn't believe the 'spectors themselves could spell
+Ompompanoosuck right off, without getting stuck."
+
+Izabel's examination was something after this sort, through the several
+English branches; yet a majority of the Board of School Inspectors decided
+to give him a certificate, if we said so, as he was to teach our school,
+and we were more interested than they in his qualifications; and whether
+the Inspectors knew what his qualifications really were, "this deponent
+saith not." Strickett "sloped."
+
+The next application was by letter. The epistle declared that the applicant
+"brok'd his arm inter a saw-mill, and he couldn't do much out-door work
+till it heal'd up agin, and if we'd hire him to carry on our school, he
+tho't he would make it go well 'nough,"--but the School Board decided that
+all-powerful as sympathy might be, it could scarcely drive a district
+school under such orthography, syntax, and prosody.
+
+Next appeared Mrs. Beagle, in behalf of her "Sah-Jane." "She know'd
+Sah-Jane, and she know'd Sah-Jane was jist the thing for the Puddleford
+school; and if we only know'd Sah-Jane as well as she know'd Sah-Jane, we'd
+have her, cost what it might." She said "Sah-Jane was a most s'prisin'
+gal--she hung right to her books, day _and_ night--and she know'd she had a
+sleight at teachin'. Mr. Giblett's folks told Mr. Brown's folks, so she
+heer'd, that if they ever _did_ get Sah-Jane into that ere school, she'd
+make a buzzin' that would tell some."
+
+Sah-Jane's case was, however, indefinitely postponed. Some objections,
+among other things, on the score of age, were suggested. This roused the
+wrath of Mrs. Beagle, and she "guessed her Sah-Jane was old enough to teach
+a Puddleford school--if she tho't she warn't, she'd bile her up in-ter
+soap-grease, and sell her for a shillin' a quart!--and as for the
+_de_-strict board, they'd better go to a school-marm themselves, and larn
+somethin', or be 'lected over agin, she didn't care which;" and Mrs. Beagle
+left at a very quick step, her face much flushed and full of cayenne and
+vengeance.
+
+There were a great many more applications, and at last the board hired--I
+say the _board_--_I_ didn't. But the other members overruled me, and price,
+not qualification, settled the question at last.
+
+This was the way the machinery was worked in our school district, during
+the very early days of Puddleford. As the stream never rises above the
+fountain-head, education was quite feeble. But we do better now--there is
+less friction on our gudgeons, and if Puddleford should turn out a
+President one of these days, it would be nothing more than what our
+glorious institutions have before "ground out" under more discouraging
+circumstances.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV.
+
+     Venison Styles again.--Sermon on Nature.--Funeral Songs of
+     the Birds.--Their Flight and Return.--His Theory of
+     Government.--Sakoset.--The Indians.
+
+
+Venison Styles, rough and rugged as he was, had acquired much knowledge in
+a wild way, and could, in that way, stagger a philosopher. No man had a
+nicer insight into nature. Birds and brooks, hills and valleys, trees and
+flowers, were all his study. He had no faith in science, except just so far
+as it came within his own experience. "Book larnin'," he said, "was all
+very well; but lookin' natur' in the face, and listening to what she said,
+was a deal better." I remember one of his sermons, which he delivered to me
+one bright October afternoon, when the woods were all russet and gold, the
+squirrels chattering in the trees, the nuts dropping, the partridges
+whirring and drumming, and the soft autumnal light was faintly struggling
+along the aisles of the forest. "You see," said Venison, "how all natur' is
+talkin', and if you will only listen, can tell enymost what she says.
+There," he continued, "just hear that robin pecking away on that ere coke
+bush. Hear him pipe away so melancholy-like--'All goin'! all goin'!' he
+says. How low and fine that yaller-bird sings--a kinder fun'ral song. The
+jay is sad-like, and acts just as though he felt winter comin'. That crow,
+sailin' through the air, croaks awful gloomy-like and holler--and all these
+ere crickets and insects jine in so sad and downcast. 'Tain't their spring
+song. They are down onter another key now. They begin to feel frost inter
+their bones. They know what's comin'."
+
+"Know!" said I; "what do birds know about winter, till it comes." I wanted
+to draw the old philosopher out.
+
+"Know! know!" continued Venison. "Birds think and talk--yes, they
+do--_they_ know. I've heerd 'em talk to one another, from tree-top to
+tree-top, across these woods many a time--lay plans many a day. What makes
+'em flockin' around us to-day, and soarin' around in companies, if they
+don't understand each other? They go round and round for a week or two,
+visit this wood and that, jabber, and fret, and fume, pick up a straggler
+here, 'nother there, and when they get a good ready, and are flock'd, off
+they go, travellin' south. Hain't they got col'nels, captins, and
+laws?--they are jest as much of a body as our school de-strict is, and
+every bird knows what he is about, what he is going to do, and how, too."
+
+"Why don't all the blackbirds go into one flock, Venison?" said I.
+
+"There 'tis! there 'tis!" replied Venison; "if 'twas all chance, they
+would. But it jest ain't chance. Natur' has 'lowed them to fix it. There,"
+he continued, "goes a flock now--they've got a captin among 'em, leading
+'em on--he knows every one under him--and they are jest around visitin'
+their friends before goin' off--that's all."
+
+"Do you think they will come back again, Venison?" I inquired.
+
+"Back again! back again!" he exclaimed, looking up to me with surprise.
+"Why, man, this is their home--they were born 'here. This is their ground,
+hereabouts. They know every tree, and mash, and river for miles 'round.
+You'll hear 'em chatterin' and gabblin' by next April 'gain."
+
+"Doubtful," I replied.
+
+"Well, now," said Venison, "I've tried that. Down to where I live, the
+blackbirds and robins are thick as spatter. They make it all ring round me.
+I caught a dozen or more of each in a net one fall, cut off one toe all
+round, and let 'em go. Jim Spikes bet they wouldn't come back; I bet they
+would. I wanted to try it, you see. When spring came on again there the
+fellers were, sure enough, or most on 'em, on hand, ready for summer's
+business again. Jim gin in--he did."
+
+"I should think they would stray away, Venison," said I.
+
+"Don't you believe in a God!" broke out Venison, in an animated tone. "When
+He made 'em, He put a compass inter their heads that can't get out of fix,
+and they run jest as straight by it as my dog does by his nose--and a dog's
+nose is _his_ compass, you know."
+
+This was a quaint, but a very pointed way, of illustrating a law of nature.
+Venison was a quaint man, and drove at a conclusion frequently cross lots,
+by some startling figure of speech.
+
+"And I've got an idee," continued Venison, "an idee--I don't put it down as
+fact--that birds know one another, jest as we do--remember each other from
+y'ar to y'ar--how they sang together last y'ar and every y'ar in the
+shadows and sunshine of this old wood, and nested and raised their young
+'uns together--and they kinder bid good by to one 'nother when they go off
+in the fall, and say How are you? when spring comes on--and may be they
+have their likes and dislikes, and old grudges to bring up agin--for there
+is a world of human natur' in 'em--a world on't--it is only an idee--can't
+say--but I believe it--but,"--and the old hunter turned round with a sad
+look,--"they won't roam round here much longer; the big trees are tumblin';
+the old seventy-sixers are enymost gone; morn'er twenty y'ars ago they were
+mighty noisy up in that ar oak (he pointed to an enormous oak stump), but
+the varmints heeved it down, and made it inter lumber--the old tree that
+liv'd and rock'd in the storms five hundred years, I reckon; the bees and
+birds all knew it, and jest hung around it 'cause they lov'd it. I have had
+many a good shot from it. I heerd it crash when it came down--felt it, I
+did--feel it yet--the varmints."
+
+"But," said I, with an effort to turn the current of the old man's
+thoughts, "you really believe that birds have their captains and colonels,
+and all that, do you?"
+
+"Yes, sir! and mor'n that; kings and queens, for aught I know. It's a king
+that leads the ducks in their flight, ain't it? Hain't you heer'd him blow
+his horn, away in the sky, as he led 'em on up the rivers and takes? Don't
+the bees have their queen?"
+
+Venison launched forth in his peculiar style on the theory of government,
+despotic and republican--maintained that God "hadn't any republics" in his
+kingdom--"all on 'em kings and queens--nobody was 'lected there--all on
+'em were made from the beginning to rule and reign over their subjects." He
+maintained that as God was almighty, so he put almighty power in the rulers
+of the kingdoms under him. Therefore--such was his argument--"man orter be
+governed by man"--not by the voice of the people, but by a sovereign higher
+than himself. His arguments and language were home-made, but his ideas were
+brought out with great point and force.
+
+I had long known that Venison was well posted on the trees and shrubs,
+flowers, and even the weeds. Nothing that he had ever observed had failed
+him. Probably he never read a book on the subject in his life, that is, if
+he could read. The familiar names of all creation were understood by him,
+and he had his own theories about everything animate and inanimate. I
+started him off on this subject. I called his attention to the oak over
+which he shed a tear, and by degrees drew him along to the time when the
+axe and the plough would change the whole face of the country around us
+into hamlets, green pastures, and waving fields of grain. The old man
+looked solemn. The subject was not pleasant to him--he heaved a sigh, and
+said, finally, "'Tis all the same! 'tis all the same with me! I shall be
+under the ground then! I don't wanter live to see it."
+
+He rallied, and went on--"They've enymost spilt it now. When I was young, I
+could see a deer a mile away--no underbrush to shade my rifle. The deer,
+too, look'd grander like, somehow, than they do now. They had a freedom in
+'em. They seemed to know the woods was theirs. They kinder go sneakin'
+round now, as though some critter was arter 'em. This stream was filled
+with ducks, flappin' their wings, and washin' themselves; and many a time
+I've heer'd 'em, jest as the sun was a-settin', talkin' to themselves, and
+gettin' ready to go to bed. But the settlers came in, dammed the river, and
+down came the sawdust, and it roar'd and rattled 'em all away. The
+partridges used to drum and drum in the still afternoon, and whirr
+about--and they are gone, too. I don't believe natur' likes to be
+disturbed. She sorter rebels agin the plough at first. She allers sends up
+coke and bramble when the furrows are first made--fights it as well as she
+can, till they get her under, and put her inter what they call crops. The
+Lord made the airth well enough to begin with. He knew what we wanted. He
+gave us airth and sky, woods and water--birds and fish to eat--and it all
+rais'd itself, and enough on't, too. This thing they call civ'lation is
+right agin natur'. It makes poor young men and wim'in'. They hain't got no
+stuff in 'em--they can't do anythin'--they are peepin' round, full of pain
+of every sort--full of rheumatiz, agers, janders, and all sorter ails. I've
+gone morn'er twenty miles a day, loaded with game, and not a tired hair in
+me--can do it agin." And thus Venison preached, too much and too long for
+me to record in full.
+
+Venison continued, and declared that "there was enough of everything just
+as it was." He attempted to show that there were seeds of life deep in the
+earth, planted there from the beginning, that came forth in due time, and
+replenished the earth. He never "see'd any coke till they ploughed a
+furrow, and built that ere rail fence"--"and down in that ere breakin'
+(which I saw had been neglected, and was overgrown heavily), the
+blackberries and ten thousand other things were comin' up." He said he
+"would jest like to know where all that seed had been lyin' since the world
+was made--how long it would have laid, he'd jest like ter know, if that ere
+plough hadn't stirred up the sile." And thus he attempted to illustrate his
+theory of vegetation.
+
+"Not only the trees, but the Injuns were goin'. 'Tain't as 'twas with 'em
+when they went a-whoopin' around among the streams and woods. I've see'd
+mor'n nor forty canoes sailing away here on this river at on'st--and then
+we had raal Injuns--tall, six-foot fellers, with eyes like the eagle. But
+they, too, are pinin' out like. The white man, and the white man's ways,
+and the white man's drink, has taken all the tuck out on 'em. They know,
+what are left on 'em, that they ain't raal Injuns any more. They don't
+whoop any more. They hang about the towns a while, and get full of pizen,
+and then slink away silently inter the forest again. Sometimes, when
+huntin' season comes on, they fire up, and chase the game, but it is kinder
+melancholy, after all--like a flame jest spirtin' out a minute from a
+charr'd and half-burning log. There's old Sakoset (I've known him enymost
+on to forty years), was jest as much of a king, and had jest as much of a
+throne, as old George Third ever had. He lov'd his tribe, and they lov'd
+him. His word was law. These were all his grounds for a hundred miles
+round. I know it warn't mark'd off into counties, townships, and school
+de-stricts. They didn't have any place to file away papers, nor didn't
+write everythin' they did in books--but they had their laws jest as well,
+all written down inter their heads; and they knew their history--they had,
+what white men call their traditions--they knew all about their fathers
+and grandfathers, and great-great-grandfathers--and old Sakoset was their
+chief. He was six feet three inches by measure, and as straight as that
+'ere hickory. He was knit all over as tight as an oak. He was as hansome as
+a picter, and I've seen him in council, when I tho't he was the noblest
+lookin' mortal on this airth. And there warn't no man, no gov'ment (Venison
+grew excited here) that had as good a right to these 'ere grounds as
+Sakoset. God gave 'em to him, and the white man stole 'em away, stole 'em,
+sir!--stole 'em. Yes, sir! they passed a law that they should be removed
+'yond the 'Sippi--gave 'em huntin' grounds, as they call 'em--drove 'em
+together like scar'd sheep, and forc'd 'em away from their own sile. But
+old Sakoset didn't like his new home, wouldn't stay, and he and a few of
+his tribe straggled back here agin, and now wander round these woods. But
+he ain't the same man any more; he's all broke down like; 'tain't the same
+place to him, he says. The stream winds round the hill yet, and the
+mountain is there, but the forest is mostly down, and the white man is
+everywhere. Sakoset says but little; goes round dreamin'-like; hangs about
+alone in the woods, a-thinkin', and sees in his mind his tribe all before
+him as it was when he was king over them on these grounds. I saw him a few
+days ago up in the Injun buryin'-ground sittin' so still, I first tho't he
+was a monerment somebody had put up--but 'twas Sakoset."
+
+Venison was here attracted by the roar of a gun, and a deer rushed past,
+breaking his discourse, and we both followed the hunter and the hunted, to
+see how the chase would end--saw the deer plunge into the river, the dogs
+after him, and I watched them until they floated away around the bend
+beyond my sight.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI.
+
+     Some Account of John Smith.--Nicknames.--Progress of the
+     Age.--The Colonel's Opinion of Science.--John Smith's
+     Dream.--Ike Turtle's Dream.--Ike takes the Boots.
+
+
+Pioneers--men who grow up in the woods--are famous for luxuriant
+imaginations. Everything, with them, is on a sweeping scale with the
+natural objects amid which they dwell. The rivers, and lakes, and plains
+are great, and seem to run riot--so men sometimes run riot too, in thought,
+and word, and deed. They deal largely in the extravagant, and do
+extravagant things in an extravagant way.
+
+I have seen a rusty pioneer, when giving his opinion upon some trite
+matter, garnish his language with imagery and figures, and clothe himself
+with an action, that Demosthenes would have copied, if he had met with such
+in his day. Gestures all graceful, eye all fire, language rough, but
+strong, and an enthusiasm that was magnetic--a kind of unpremeditated
+natural eloquence, that many a one has sought for, but never found.
+
+John Smith was an ingenious Puddlefordian in the way of story-telling. He
+was almost equal to Ike Turtle. John was a great, stalwart, double-breasted
+fellow, who cared for nothing, not even himself; a compound made up of
+dare-devil ferocity, benevolence, and impudence. His feelings, whether of
+the higher or lower order, always ran to excess. He was an importation from
+Massachusetts, of fair education, and, from his recklessness of life, had
+drifted into Puddleford, like many other tempest-tossed vessels, stripped
+of spars and rigging. Smith's fancy and imagination were always at work. He
+had nicknamed two thirds of Puddleford, and there was something
+characteristic in the appellations bestowed. One small-eyed man, he called
+"Pink-Eye;" another, a bustling fellow, who made a very great noise on a
+very small capital, was known as "Bumble-bee;" another, a long-shanked,
+loose-jointed character, was "Giraffe;" Squire Longbow he christened "Old
+Night-Shade." Turtle was known as "Sky-Rocket;" Bates as "Little Coke;" the
+Colonel as "Puff-Ball." Indeed, not one man in twenty was recognized by his
+true name, so completely had Smith invested the people with titles of his
+own manufacture.
+
+I recollect one of Smith's flights of imagination--one among many--for I
+cannot write out all his mental productions.
+
+The Puddlefordians were met, as usual, at Bulliphant's. That was the place,
+we have seen, where all public opinion was created. Turtle, and Longbow,
+and Bates, and the whole roll, even down to Jim Buzzard, were present. The
+progress of the age was the subject.
+
+Turtle thought "there was no cac'latin' what things would come to--steam
+and ingin-rubber were runnin' one etarnal race, and he guess'd they'd lay
+all opposition to the land, and bring on the millennium."
+
+Bates said "the sciences were doin' sunthin', but _they'd_ never make
+anybody better--human natur' was so shockin' wicked, that it would require
+a heap mor'n injin-rubber to _rejuvify_ 'em."
+
+Mr. Longbow requested Bates "to repeat that 'ere last word agin."
+
+Bates said "it was '_rejuvify_'--that is, 'drag out,' 'resurrect.'"
+
+The Squire thanked Bates for his explanation.
+
+The Colonel said there was such a thing as too much science. He professed
+to have lived a scientific life--that is, without work--but all the while
+he found some one a little more scientific, and he had never been able to
+hold his own anywhere. He had been stranded fourteen times in his life,
+owing to a press of science brought against him; but the most destructive
+science in the known world was that for the collection of debts. It
+deprived men of their liberty, their comforts, their property, their
+friends; and the manner in which this was all done was barbarous. He defied
+any man to produce as cool-blooded a thing as an execution at law, which
+was a branch of legal science.
+
+Squire Longbow said--"A _fiery facius_ (_fieri facias_) was one of the most
+ancientest writs which he issued, and there warn't nothin' cool-blooded or
+ramptious about it."
+
+Mr. Smith sat silently up to this point in the debate. "Boys," said he, at
+last, "the world is goin' ahead. Talkin' of science, let me tell you a
+dream I had last night." But, if the reader will permit me, I will give the
+substance of Smith's dream in my own language. It may detract from its
+point, but it will be more connected and intelligible.
+
+"I dreamed, boys," said Smith, "that I was in the great Patent Office, at
+Washington. I looked, and its ceiling was raised to an enormous height,
+while through open doors and passages I saw room after room groaning with
+thousands of models, until it appeared as though I was in a wilderness of
+machinery. Very soon a pert little gentleman, with a quick black eye, and a
+'pussy' body, arrayed in the queerest costume I ever saw, came bustling up
+to me, and asked me for my ticket. I involuntarily thrust my hand into the
+depths of my breeches-pocket, and pulling out a card, delivered it to him.
+After looking at the card, and then at me, and then at the card again, he
+burst out into a loud guffaw, that made the old Patent-Office ring. 'Why,
+sir,' said he, '_this_ is no ticket. It is the business card of one John
+Smith, advertising a patent dog-churn, of which he here says he is the real
+inventor, and it bears date in the year 1840--two hundred years ago! The
+churn may be found in room marked "Inventions of Year 1840," but the man
+John Smith we haven't got. I don't much think he is around above ground,
+just at this time," said the little man, chuckling. 'But,' said I, 'who are
+you, if I am not John Smith? Were you not appointed by Polk, Secretary of
+the Interior, and did I not put a word in his ear favorable to you?' 'Polk,
+a Secretary of the Interior!' exclaimed he; 'I appointed by Polk! Why, my
+dear sir, I was appointed only two years ago--not two hundred!--"Chief of
+the Great Central Department," as the office is now called.'
+
+"While we were talking, Franklin, Adams, Jefferson, and Fulton, walked in
+and took seats. I knew Uncle Ben the moment I cast my eyes upon him. He was
+dressed in good old '76 style;--shoe-buckles, short breeches, queue, and
+all; and that same jolly, round face, and double chin, that tranquil
+countenance just touched, without being destroyed, by comedy--were all
+there. Adams and Jefferson I had before seen, and they were a little more
+modern in dress, but they both looked care-worn. Fulton sat apart, and eyed
+the other three as though he had seen them somewhere, but yet could not
+call them by name.
+
+"The rather unexpected arrival of these gentlemen broke up the comments of
+my bustling interrogator, and one of those pauses occurred which frequently
+do upon the appearance of strangers. Uncle Ben asked Jefferson if he would
+'not like to move up to the fire and warm his feet?' 'Fire!' said I, 'fire.
+Why, Uncle Ben, there is no fireplace now-a-days. Stoves and hot-air
+furnaces are all the go. This building is warmed by a great furnace, and
+two miles of pipe that conducts the heat to every room in it.' 'Not by a
+long way,' said my bustling friend--'not by a long way, Mr. John Smith.
+This trumpery is all piled away among the inventions of the years that
+were. These things belong to the age of your dog-churn. Why, gentlemen,'
+continued he, 'have you never heard of the Great Southern Hot-Air Company,
+chartered in 1960, whose business it is to furnish warm air from the South
+to persons at the North; price to families three dollars a year; all done
+by a gigantic underground tunnel, and branches, worked at the other end by
+an air-pump! Have you never heard of _this_, gentlemen? Here we get the
+natural heat of the South, warmed by the sun; none of your stinking coal
+and wood gases to corrupt and destroy it. And then the principle of
+reciprocity is kept up; for we send back our cold air in the same way; and
+so we keep up an equilibrium, for the South are just as strenuous as ever
+to keep up the equilibrium of the Union. Why, gentlemen, those stoves
+required constant care. As often as every week it was necessary to
+replenish them with wood or coal. No! no!--those improvements belonged to
+the dark ages."
+
+"Bless me!" exclaimed Uncle Ben. "Impossible!" repeated Fulton. "And so you
+don't use the old 'Franklin' stove any more?" said Uncle Ben. "Perhaps," he
+continued, a quiet smile playing over his face, as if he intended a comical
+shot, "perhaps you don't use lightning now-a-days either, and my
+lightning-rods, of course, belong to the dark ages too!"
+
+"We have the lightning, and use it too, but only one rod, built by the
+state, near its centre, which is so colossal and powerful that it protects
+everything around it." And then the little fellow rattled on about the
+_use_ of lightning; how it wrote all over the world the English language,
+until I verily believe that Uncle Ben, Fulton, and all, set him down as the
+most unscrupulous liar that they had ever met with.
+
+"I think," said Uncle Ben, "that I could convince myself of the truth of
+your assertions, if I could go to Boston; but as my time is very limited, I
+cannot."
+
+"Send you there in five minutes by the watch!" answered the little man;
+"or, if that's too soon, in twenty-four hours. It requires powerful lungs
+to go by balloon--time five minutes--departure every half hour. The
+magnetic railway train will take you through in four hours, or on the
+old-fashioned railroad in twenty-four." "What," said Uncle Ben, "is the old
+stage company entirely broken up?" "Don't know what you mean by stages,"
+said the little man, "but I will look for the word in the big dictionary."
+"Go by steamboat," said Fulton. "Steamboat!" repeated the little
+man,--"steamboat! too everlasting slow--not over twenty-five miles an
+hour--well enough for freight, but passengers cannot endure them; they go
+laboring and splashing along at a snail's pace, and they are enough to wear
+out any man's patience. Yet the steamboat was the greatest stride ever made
+at any one time in the way of locomotion, and was very creditable to Fulton
+and the age in which he lived." "That is admitting something," burst out
+Fulton, who had sat like a statue, watching the little man's volubility.
+"But," said Uncle Ben, "all this talk don't get me on my way to Boston.
+That is my birthplace. I was there for the last time in 1763, and you know
+that, according to the provisions of my will, there is more than four
+million pounds sterling of my money which has by this time been disposed of
+by the state somehow." Uncle Ben was always a shrewd fellow in the way of
+dollars and cents, and I could see he was very anxious about that money.
+"Oho! oho!" said the little man; "so you are Ben Franklin, and you are the
+old gentleman who left that legacy. We've got a portrait of you up-stairs,
+more than two hundred years old, and it _does_ look like you. Glad to see
+you! You said something in your life-time about immersing yourself in a
+cask of Madeira wine with a few friends, and coming to the world in a
+hundred years again. These are your friends, I suppose?" "These gentlemen,"
+replied Uncle Ben, "are John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, signers of the
+Declaration of Independence." "The other gentleman," continued I, "is
+Robert Fulton, whom you have spoken of." "Well, I declare!" ejaculated the
+little man, "this _is_ a meeting! But about that legacy, Uncle Ben, of
+yours; two million sterling of it has gone to build the Gutta Percha
+Magnetic Telegraph line, connecting Boston with London and Paris, two of
+the largest cities in the Eastern Republic of Europe." "Gutta
+Percha!--Magnetic telegraph!--_Republic_ of Europe!"--repeated all of them.
+"All built under water, and sustained by buoys," continued the little man,
+"and it works to a charm--plan up-stairs in room 204--and can be seen in a
+moment; and, as I told you before, it writes the English language as fast
+as my deputy." "Republic of Europe!" exclaimed Jefferson, again. "Yes,
+sir," said the little man, "for more than a century. No more thrones; no
+more rulers by divine right; no more governments sustained by powder and
+ball; no lords nor nobles; man is _man_, not merely one of a _class_ of
+men, but _individually_ man, with rights as perfect and powers as great as
+any other man. The principles, Jefferson, of your Declaration, which you
+did not create, but only asserted, have prostrated every arbitrary
+government on the globe. Even the Jews, since their return to Jerusalem,
+have organized a republican form of government, and have just elected Mr.
+Noah President." "Well," thinks I to myself, "that can't be _Mordecia M._
+Noah, anyhow, for politics must have used up his constitution before this."
+But the little man chattered away, and declared that Europe was divided
+into two republics, the Eastern and Western; that Constantinople was the
+capital of the Western; that Africa and Asia were also republican; until
+the three signers of the Declaration, perfectly wrought up to a frenzy of
+joy, rose up from their seats, took off their hats, and swinging them
+round, gave "Three cheers for '76, and the old Army of the
+Revolution!"--and I verily believe Uncle Ben forgot all about that money,
+and about going to Boston, for he did not allude to it any more in my
+presence.
+
+"Great changes these!" continued the little man, "from your days. But you
+must not think, gentlemen, that we have forgotten you or your services,
+while we have improved in wisdom and strength. Look here, gentlemen," and
+he motioned us away, and, leading on, he conducted us to an observatory on
+the top of the building. Such a prospect I never before beheld. Away,
+around, on every side, stretched a mighty city, whose limits the eye could
+not reach. Towers, temples, spires, and masts succeeded towers, temples,
+spires, and masts, until they were lost in the distant haze. Canals
+traversed every street, and boats of merchandise were loading and unloading
+their freights. Steam-carriages were puffing along the roads that ran by
+the canal, some filled with pleasure parties, and some laden with goods.
+Turning my eye to an elevation, I saw fifty-six gigantic monuments, whose
+peaks were nearly lost in the sky, ranged in a line, all alike in form and
+sculpture. "These," said the little man, "were erected to the Signers of
+the Declaration of Independence;" and, taking out his telescope, he handed
+it to Uncle Ben, who read aloud among the inscriptions the names, FRANKLIN,
+JEFFERSON, ADAMS. "But let us know what this city is called?" inquired
+Jefferson. "This, sir, is called _Columbiana_; it lies on the west bank of
+the Mississippi, population five millions, according to the last census."
+"But what supports it?" "Supports it! The great East India trade. That
+vessel down there is direct from Canton, by ship canal across the Isthmus.
+All Europe is secondary to us now. No doubling capes, as was done in
+_your_ day. Yonder stands the Capitol; and the whole North American
+continent is annually represented there. The city of San Francisco alone
+sends forty-four members. There," continued he, pointing his finger, "that
+balloon rising slowly in the sky has just started for that place, and the
+passengers will take their dinner there to-morrow."
+
+Jefferson asked the little man "whether the Federalists or Democrats were
+in power?"--and I saw that Adams waked up when he heard the question.
+"Don't know any such division," replied he. "The great measure of the day,
+upon which parties are divided, is the purchase of the South American
+continent at five hundred millions of dollars. I go for it; and before
+another year the bargain will be consummated. We _must_ have more
+territory--we haven't got half enough. Extent of territory gives a nation
+dignity and importance. The old thirteen states of your day, gentlemen,
+were a mere cabbage patch, and should have been consolidated into one
+state. Ten or twenty days' sail ran you plump into a hostile port, and then
+you had a demand for duty. Besides, conflicting interests always brew up
+difficulties; and then come treaties, and finally war, and then debt, and
+at last oppressive taxation. A nation should own all the territory that
+joins it. The ocean is the only natural boundary for a people." Thinks I,
+"You have been a politician in your day, and I'll just engage you to
+correspond with a certain New York editor, who shall be nameless; you
+strike off the doctrine boldly!"
+
+Uncle Ben told the little man, after he closed, that a nation might "get so
+very ripe as to become a little rotten; and, if he had no objection, he
+would present him with the 'Sayings of Poor Richard.'" And, suiting the
+action to the word, he pushed his hand into his breeches-pocket, and pulled
+out an old almanac, printed at Philadelphia in 1732, and, bowing, handed it
+to him. The little man thanked him, and promised to deposit it in the
+Museum, as a curious piece of antiquity.
+
+"Getting somewhat anxious for a smoke, I drew forth a cigar and
+'loco-foco,' rubbed the latter across my boot, which flashed out its light
+full in Uncle Ben's face. 'That is nice,' exclaimed he; 'rather an
+improvement on the old string, wheel, and tinder plan.' 'Simple, too, isn't
+it?' said I; 'and yet all the science of your day didn't detect it.' Just
+then I gave a puff, which made Uncle Ben sneeze; and he broke out into a
+tirade against tobacco that would read well. But I told him there was no
+use; men had smoked and chewed the weed--would smoke and chew it, economy
+or no economy, health or no health, filth or no filth; and that in all
+probability the last remnant of the great American Republic, for succeeding
+nations to gaze at, would be a plug of tobacco; for I sincerely believed
+that tobacco would outlive the government itself.
+
+"The little man proposed returning into the Patent Office, and exhibiting
+to us in detail the models of art there deposited. But I cannot weary you
+with what I there saw. The fruits of every year, since the organization of
+the department, were divided into rooms, and indicated on the door by an
+inscription. There were thousands of improvements in every branch of
+science, many of which were so simple, that I thought myself a fool that I
+did not discover them long ago. Principles were applied, the very operation
+of which I now recollected to have often seen, yet without a thought of
+their practical utility. I came to the conclusion that accident was the
+parent of more that I saw than design; 'for how,' reasoned I, 'is it
+possible that these pieces of machinery could otherwise have escaped the
+great men who have lived and died in ignorance of them?'
+
+"By this time we were quite fatigued, and Uncle Ben complained a little of
+the 'stone,' which he said he was subject to. The little man gave him some
+'Elixir of Life,' as he called it, being, as he said, 'an extract of the
+nutritious portions of meats and vegetables, purged from their grossness as
+found in their natural state;' and while we were sipping it, he launched
+forth upon its great benefit to mankind; the money saved that used to be
+expended in cookery and transportation--millions upon millions; the great
+economy in time, formerly squandered in eating, &c., &c.; and he wound up
+his eulogy by presenting each of us with a bottle, which I carefully put
+away in my pocket.
+
+"Adams then rose up, and said he must leave, and Jefferson, Uncle Ben, and
+Fulton followed. And in a moment Uncle Ben, Fulton, Adams, Jefferson, the
+little man, the apartments, wheels, and machinery, began to rock, and
+heave, and fade, and finally dissolve; and suddenly I awoke!"
+
+"You _did_ awake!" exclaimed the Colonel, drawing a breath all the way from
+his boots; "I should have thought you would."
+
+Bates gave a yawn, and throwing his quid into the fire, called for a glass
+of whiskey and water, saying he would "try to choke down the story with
+_that_."
+
+Longbow sat perfectly magnetized--his arms folded across his breast, his
+chin dropped, his legs resting on his boot-heels, and pushed out in front
+of him, as though he was driving a hard-bitted horse, and his one eye
+stared vacantly at the coals in the huge fireplace. He gave an unconscious
+grunt when Smith concluded, but made no commentary.
+
+Turtle said "the dream was very remarkable for such a man as Smith; but he
+guessed he _had_ it, and he was going to believe it, because it was upon
+the word of a Puddlefordian. But he'd had one that beat it all
+holler--s'prisin' dream--like them air visions that somebody unriddled
+for--he couldn't recollect the name of the man now--no matter, the dream's
+the same.
+
+"I got up one morning," said Ike, "and went down to my breakfast-table, but
+there warn't one of my family present. I saw seated around it, however, a
+strange company of folks, and dressed as no mortals ever were before, since
+the flood, I _reckon_. There warn't nothin' that ever I seed before on any
+on 'em. I took my place at the head of the board, and attempted to do the
+carvin'; but there warn't nobody that understood my meanin'. Pork warn't
+pork any more; and when I tried to pass pork, I found that it had a
+kind-er' fancy name, which I have now forgot.
+
+"One great goggle-eyed fellow, who sat at my right hand, informed a lady
+near him 'that he'd got-ter go over to Agoria before dinner, and get his
+sun-dial fixed; but his wings were down at the shop being fixed, and he
+couldn't start this hour yet."
+
+"'Agoria! Where's that?' asked I.
+
+"'Don't know where Agoria is--ha, ha! On the River Amazon, a trip of a
+couple of thousand of miles.' And so he took out a little eye-glass, and
+looked at me for a long time, and, putting it back in his pocket, said 'he
+thought I was a North Pole-ander, or a ghost; he didn't know which.
+
+"'Dear me! you _will_ be keerful, now won't you?' said the lady. Two
+hundred collisions in the air last night, among the winged men; almost as
+many the night afore--awful!'
+
+"The goggle-eyed man said he would.
+
+"'Did you hear President Jones lecter last night,' said a spectacled
+critter, at the upper end of the table, sticking his fore-finger out to me.
+
+"'No, sir-_ee_!' I hollered back to him, as I was some little frustrated by
+this time.
+
+"'He showed,' said the man, 'that one Tom Jefferson prob'bly _did_ write
+the Declaration of Independence that the ancients made.'
+
+"'You don't say so, though, do you?' said I. 'You're a bright set of chaps
+the whole on you, President Jones and all.'
+
+"There was a mighty deal said about the Persian war with America; what
+somebody said who came from Africa last night--what this man and that man
+done in Congress; but getting out of patience at last, I jumped up, and
+left the whole on 'em; and as I passed out of the room, told 'em 'they
+might all go to grass.'
+
+"As I left the house, I saw an almanac hanging on the wall for the year
+2564. The first thought, when I saw this, was, '_Where, in the name of
+Andrew Jackson, is Puddleford now?_'
+
+"But what was my surprise, when I got inter the street, which was all laid
+with slabs of granite, and lined with palaces, to find Squire Longbow
+walking along with his wings folded on his back, looking as nat'ral as the
+old fogy himself.
+
+"'Squire,' said I, 'here's _to_ you!'
+
+"The Squire said 'he hadn't the honor of my 'quaintance.'
+
+"'O, you old scoundrel!' said I, 'you can't come that--'"
+
+"That's false!" exclaimed Longbow; "I didn't have no such talk."
+
+"It was _only_ a _dream_--you forget," answered Ike.
+
+"Exactly," replied the Squire, relapsing into his former mood.
+
+"'You can't come that, old man,' I repeated; 'I could tell you in the
+streets of Jerusalem in the night; what are you about, old feller? You look
+fat and pussy.'
+
+"The Squire said 'he was Judge of the Continental Supreme Court.'
+
+"'So I should think,' said I; 'I just left a dozen asses at my breakfast
+table, and you're just the man for all the world to be their judge.'
+
+"That's a contempt!" exclaimed the Squire, jumping from his chair.
+
+"Nothin' but a dream, and they allers go by contraries," answered Ike.
+
+"So they do,' said the Squire, calmly, sitting down again.
+
+"Where's Bates, and the Colonel, and Bulliphant, and the other
+Puddlefordians?' inquired I.
+
+"'Bates,' said the Squire, 'burst a blood-vessel several hundred years ago,
+running down a southern kidnapper, and died quick-ern a flash. He didn't
+leave nothing scasely for his family, 'cause he spent all his time on
+public affairs. The Colonel left the country with the sheriff at his heels;
+and he rather thought he was somewhere about the streets now, as he saw a
+feller t'other day 'fore the court, for debt, that looked jest like him.
+Bulliphant went off in spontaneous combustion--in a kind of blue fire, and
+the old woman fretted herself out, a couple of years arter; but,' said the
+Squire, 'I can't be detained. Story's waitin' for me on the bench, and we
+decide the title to a million of acres of land, at ten this morning.'
+
+"This _woke me_. _Story_ and the _decision_ by _Longbow_, knocked my dream
+out-er sight."
+
+Bates pulled off his boots, and handing them to Ike, informed him that they
+were his, by the custom of Puddlefordians, and the meeting adjourned.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII.
+
+     Ike Turtle in his Office.--The Author consults him on Point
+     of Law.--Taxes of Non-Residents.--Law in Puddleford.--Mr.
+     Bridget's Case.--Legal Discussion.--The Case settled.
+
+
+We very often get an idea of a community by fathoming its leading men. We
+stick our stakes at that point, and reason, by comparison, downward; not
+that prominent individuals make the community, any more than the community
+makes them; but both act and react upon each other, until a standard is
+formed--and that standard is just high enough for the occasion--the
+necessities of the present. Water never rises above its level.
+
+You have, respected reader, already seen much--perhaps too much--of Ike
+Turtle. You must recollect, however, as I have before declared, that he was
+an embodiment of the spirit of his time. He was the presiding genius of
+Puddleford, and had been as much moulded by it as he had moulded
+Puddleford.
+
+Turtle, as we have seen, was a host in law--that is, he was a host in
+Puddleford law. He was just as useful and mighty in his sphere as Webster
+ever was in his. It must in candor be admitted that there was a difference
+in spheres; but that in no way affects the principle--and principle is what
+we are contending for.
+
+I have thus far exhibited to you Turtle under excitement, as an advocate in
+the case of Filkins _vs._ Beadle, defending his country against what he
+called an "abolition lecter," struggling in the cause of education; but we
+cannot always probe a great man to the bottom, and disinter the latent
+jewels of mind, unless we know and observe him unruffled by passion, and
+unswayed by feeling. The line and lead must be cast into still waters to
+sound the depths of the ocean.
+
+I had occasion to consult Turtle on a point of law. The question was,
+whether a certain woman who claimed dower in my land could probably show a
+state of facts that would legally entitle her to recover.
+
+Mr. Turtle's office was in one of the upper rooms of a tumble-down tailor's
+shop in the village. Outside his sign swung to and fro: "I. Turtle, 'Torney
+in all Courts." Inside, it was garnished with three chairs without backs, a
+pine table, whittled into pieces by the loungers, a number of loose papers
+lying in an old flour-barrel, an ink-bottle with a yellow string around its
+nose, a copy of the statutes, a stub of a pen, volume two of Blackstone,
+and no law-book beside, all of which were enveloped in dirt and cobwebs.
+Mr. Turtle himself, when I entered, sat in one chair, his two feet
+stretched wide apart, each in another, like the two extremities of a letter
+A; and Ike himself was very philosophically smoking a pipe, and blowing the
+whiffs out of the window.
+
+"Is this Mr. Turtle's office?" inquired I.
+
+"I should _ray_ther think it was," answered Ike, drawing out his pipe, and
+pointing to a chair.
+
+"I have a little business," said I.
+
+"Most people _do_ have," said he. "I'm chuck full on't myself."
+
+"Suppose," said I, "a man dies, and leaves a widow, and that widow should
+claim--"
+
+"Hold on, right there!" exclaimed Ike, laying down his pipe. "Hold on, old
+_fel_low; this s'posin' don't do in this 'ere office. I never gives
+opinions on fancy cases. Time's little too precious. I want the raal facts
+on the matter, jest as they happened; and, besides, Mr. ----, fust thing I
+know I shall give an opinion right butt agin one of my clients--(I have
+reg'lar clients, you see, that I've got ter stand up for, if it busts
+me),--and this wheelin' round and taking a back track spiles one's
+reputation, and tears his conscience, awful to behold!"
+
+"Well," I continued, "as I was goin' to say--"
+
+"No, sir-ee! you _ain't_ goin' to say. _Who_ died? _who's_ the widow? Them
+are the startin' pints in a new country."
+
+"But," continued I, "that will not affect the principle."
+
+"Won't it, though?" answered Ike. "What are principles to folks in a new
+country? What are residents to non-residents? Why, you take a resident
+widow, a little good-lookin', and she can hold all the land she claims agin
+a non-resident. Juries have feelin's, and are human like other people."
+
+"O, I see!" said I.
+
+"Jest so," said he.
+
+"Well, then," I continued, "the widow is a resident of Puddleford, and so
+am I; and the widow claims a life interest in one third of my land."
+
+Ike pondered, and rubbed his head, and looked for a long time steadily at
+the toes of his boots. At last a thought struck him.
+
+"Has she any children?" inquired he.
+
+"She has."
+
+"Young?"
+
+"Twelve and fourteen."
+
+"Bad age for you," said Ike; "worse than two positive witnesses swearin'
+straight inter yer favor."
+
+"But what have children to do with a principle of law?" I exclaimed,
+somewhat animated.
+
+"_You're_ green," exclaimed Ike; "you'll sprout if you get catched in a
+shower. What has law got ter do with a widder and two children out here?
+Don't you know the widder and the two children will be put right straight
+to the jury, and that they'll swamp you and your case, and all the la' you
+can bring agin 'em?"
+
+"Very likely," said I; "but is Puddleford law all made for widows, babies,
+and residents?" inquired I.
+
+"You see," continued Ike; "you hain't lived long here. A new country is a
+kind of self-sustainin' machine. We've all got-ter go in for ourselves.
+When folks take the brunt of settlin' wild land, somebody's got-ter and
+ought-ter suffer. Non-residents have ter pay all taxes. They have to pay
+onto the value, and onto our takin' care of their lands. We can't afford to
+scare off the animals and bring their property into market for nothin'.
+Why, old Sykes, who lives away down to the east'ard, pays half the taxes of
+Puddleford, and don't own more than four sections of land. The 'sessors
+kind-er look at the spirit of the law when they lay taxes, and the spirit
+of our tax-law stretches 'cordin' to circumstances. India-rubber ain't
+nothin' to it. Jest so in la' matters. The la' is favorable to
+Puddlefordians; our courts lean that way--it's kind-er second nater to
+'em--a kind-er law of self-preservation--primary law of natur', you know--a
+duty; and therefore I was particular to know who the _person_ was who
+claimed your land."
+
+"Mine's a case," said I, after Ike concluded his digression, "of Puddleford
+against Puddleford."
+
+"Puddleford against itself, both residents--a woman and two children
+against a man?"
+
+"That's the case," said I.
+
+"Well!" said Ike.
+
+"The widow claims a life interest, and yet she signed the deed with her
+husband."
+
+"_Did_ sign it?" inquired Ike again. "What is she growlin' about, then?"
+
+"She claims she was deranged."
+
+"And didn't know nothin', ha?"
+
+"And she says she can prove it."
+
+"That is, Sile Bates can for her, I s'pose."
+
+Squire Longbow dropped in at this point of the conversation. Ike arose,
+walked several times swiftly across the floor, turning each time with a
+jerk, and finally wheeling up in front of me, said his fee for opinions was
+one dollar.
+
+The fee was paid.
+
+"Now," exclaimed Ike, pushing his fee in his vest pocket, "who's the
+woman?"
+
+"Old Mrs. Bridget," said I.
+
+"There are just half a dozen defences," exclaimed Ike; "and each one will
+blow the case sky-high. Nobody can't set up insanity in a new country,
+because there ain't nothin' here to make anybody insane; and if there was,
+our judges and juries think a leetle too much of themselves, thick as the
+bushes are, to 'low a Puddlefordian to prove herself a fool in open court.
+There is a pride that won't permit it. Yes, _sir_!" Here Ike slapped the
+table hard by way of emphasis. "Ain't that la', Squire Longbow?" continued
+Ike, turning round to the Squire, who was almost magnetized by intense
+thought.
+
+The Squire gave two or three ahems to clear his throat, and his voice
+seemed a long time on its way. "That," said the Squire, "is just what the
+'mortal Story said; he never would permit a man to make a fool of himself;
+he went agin all such kind-er things. The 'mortal Story said, if a man
+don't know nothin', he oughten-ter say nothin', or do nothin'. He very
+specially said it warn't a safe rule to let crazy folks rip up things,
+'cause how do we know, or anybody know, but they are jist as crazy when
+they rip 'em up, and then they'll have to be ripped over agin; that's the
+'thority, sir--page--let me see--but no matter 'bout pages--"
+
+"And, secondly," continued Ike, breaking into the Squire, "it's a rule of
+law that everybody's stopped by their deed; and if the woman knowed enough
+to sign and seal it, that 'ere seal is an everlasting and eternal bar to
+provin' anything agin it. _That'll_ stop a crazy woman; that's laid down in
+all the books since King Richard got possession of England, and the
+staterts are full on it, too."
+
+The Squire said "that looked reasonable. How do we know that Andrew Jackson
+warn't crazy when he signed off the patents for Puddleford. That's an open
+question yet. And if it warn't for the broad seal--if it warn't for that
+'ere spread eagle--some whig President (and the whigs allers did say 'Old
+Hickory' was crazy) would set it all aside, and throw all the land titles
+into hotch-potch, kick me out-er house and home, and ruin all Puddleford!"
+
+"Certainly," said I.
+
+"And agin," said Ike, "the woman _warn't_ crazy; _I_ can prove that."
+
+"That will _do_," said I. "How?"
+
+"When was the deed executed?"
+
+I stated.
+
+"That's jest the time," said Ike, "that old covy, her brother-in-law, used
+her as a witness to recover his farm."
+
+The Squire said that "the woman was under _oath_ then, and she might tell
+the truth, if she _was_ a little shattered."
+
+"Th-u-n-der!" exclaimed Ike.
+
+"Witnesses are _sworn_ to tell the truth," said the Squire.
+
+The Squire was evidently getting quizzical. Mr. Turtle begged "he would not
+interrupt him agin. The case was one of great importance, and it required a
+power of thought and research to look inter it.
+
+"And now," continued Ike, "there are three more p'ints of la' in your case.
+You've got the fee of this 'ere land--that is, you've got a deed, and got
+inter possession; that makes a fee. And as to that, the deed don't matter
+so much; possession out here is jest as good. I never see a sheriff who
+could get a man off. 'Tain't pop'lar--won't pay--it costs votes--men don't
+vote for officers who push 'em; possession is _more'n_ nine p'ints of the
+la' in Puddleford; it's ninety-nine--it's 'most as good as a patent."
+
+"But that would be a resistance of process, if the widow succeeded," said
+I.
+
+"There won't be nothin' to resist," answered Ike. "_You'll_ never feel the
+process; it will always be defective--there'll be a flaw in it somewhere.
+Settlers on the sile must be protected."
+
+"That," chimed in the Squire, "_is_ la'. That was settled in the
+constitution. There was blood shed for that."
+
+"But there ain't no use," continued Ike, "in goin' into particulars, and
+puttin' down every p'int of la'. I can scatter a thousand such cases to the
+four winds--have done it--can do it agin. Give me Kent and the staterts,
+and I'll cut my way to daylight in no time."
+
+If there is any one who believes that such an opinion was not given for one
+dollar, or that hundreds have not been given in the very far West just as
+absurd, let them inquire further of those persons who have experienced a
+frontier life. Yet, Mr. Turtle lives and flourishes, gains reputation, and
+will die as much respected and lamented as any one.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII.
+
+     The Wilderness around Puddleford.--The Rivers and the
+     Forests--Suggestions of Old Times.--Footprints of the
+     Jesuits.--Vine-covered Mounds.--Visit to the Forest.--The
+     Early Frost.--The Forest Clock.--The Woodland Harvest.--The
+     Last Flowers.--Nature sowing her Seed.--The Squirrel in the
+     Hickory.--Pigeons, their Ways and their Haunts.--The
+     Butterflies and the Bullfrog.--Nature and her Sermons.--Her
+     Temple still open, but the High-priest gone.
+
+
+Puddleford was a mere spot in the wilderness. Its region abounded with
+patches of improved land, and patches partly improved, and fields of stumps
+that the pioneer had just passed over with his axe. The great sweep of land
+around it, however, was a wilderness--not a thicket--not a dense mass of
+timber, nor a swamp--but a rolling plain of upland prairie, and
+heavily-wooded flats along the rivers; and it extended no one knew where,
+and was covered with lakes and rivers that shone, and roared, and babbled,
+day and night, through the great solitude. The surface of the upland was as
+smooth and shaven as an English park. No undergrowth obstructed the eye,
+and the outline of a deer might be discerned two miles distant. Trees upon
+the distant ground-swells, amid their quivering shadows, appeared to be
+riding upon waves. In this gigantic park, which overreached degrees of
+longitude, flowers of every form and hue budded, blossomed, faded, and
+died, from May until November. The prairies were so many blooming seas; and
+when the soft south-west stirred up their depths, they shed a gorgeous
+light, as if they were breathing out rainbow colors.
+
+The rivers that watered this waste were large, and flowed from still deeper
+solitudes towards the great lakes. The sun, as ancient as they, rose and
+set upon them now as it did centuries ago. The forests upon their banks
+sprang up, flourished, waxed old, and died; and still the river ran, and
+new forests rose upon the ruins of the old, and the glory of the new stood
+implanted in the grave of the old. The bison, moose, and bear drank from
+the sources of these rivers, driven upward by the noise of civilization.
+But they had an interest to me beyond all this: they were the inlets to
+Christian missionaries more than a century ago. It was up these streams
+that the French Jesuit,[C] with his eye aloft, and the cross erect, paddled
+his solitary canoe among the aborigines. Here he built his camp-fire
+beneath the stars, and told his rosary in the awful presence of his
+God--how awful, indeed, in such a spot, at such a time! We can almost see
+the venerable man, and hear the dip of his oar; the water-fowl scream,
+scared, and dive along before him, and the Indian stands upon the bank in
+his presence, like a monument in wonder.
+
+The footprints of the Jesuits are still found upon the bluffs of these
+rivers. Mounds, which were thrown by them into square and circular forms,
+now roofless and silent, and matted all over with vines, still bear
+witness to their devotion. Yet how little is thought of them now! Because
+the Jesuits did not till the earth, and sow, and reap, and swell the
+commerce of the world: but didn't they sow? They sowed the seeds of
+everlasting life among the simple children of the forest; and _they_ have
+sown from age to age since, and many an Indian still offers the prayer
+which was taught his forefathers so long ago.
+
+Such, reader, were the woods around Puddleford, and such the associations.
+I was in the habit of going down into their depths, and scraping
+acquaintance with the inhabitants. It was a relief to me. I sometimes even
+went so far as to set myself up as a sportsman. I made a special visit,
+just after the first frost, for the purpose of spying out the game. The
+morning was still and bright, and the dash of a distant rivulet, which I
+could step across, filled the "long drawn aisles" with its echoes. I had
+been down often during the summer, but every object looked strangely
+different now. The first frost had given Nature a shock--a kind of palsy;
+she looked serene, almost sad. Its inmates had gadded about during the
+summer in a very reckless way; they looked more sober after the first
+frost--more thoughtful--more anxious about something.
+
+It was late in September, and yet "the storms of the wild Equinox, with all
+its wet," had not come. It was due and over-due. Amid the more hardy
+foliage the first frost had drawn his brush in the most delicate way
+possible--a mere tinge, and no more--a kind of autumnal hint. There was one
+limb of an oak just changing, and the balance of the tree stood up as
+bravely and defiant as ever; the soft maple was completely dipped--it
+blazed; the aspen trembled and glowed; the hickory was only touched, and
+still hesitated about her full suit of yellow; while the dog-wood and spice
+bush had entirely given up the ghost.
+
+It was just after the first frost, so I went down to the banks of the
+rivulet that had so long been singing its woodland psalm. It came from away
+off somewhere, and strayed, and dove over precipices, and spread into
+miniature lakes; but, where I stood, it tumbled through a gorge with green,
+sloping banks. As I gazed, the sun waxed higher and warmer. Day wore its
+way up the gorge, and literally struck a sisterhood of frosted sumachs, and
+they turned blood-red; I thought I saw them shift their summer dress.
+
+Near by, a vine circled a tree, and swung out from its top. I had noticed
+it many times before during the season. It was then hung with large-mouthed
+flowers, which opened with the morning. Was it a summer chime of bells that
+tolled the sunlight into the temple?--the forest clock, that opened and
+shut the hours? The bells were broken now; the first frost had cracked
+them. I saw a bird, dressed in blue, run up the vine, and hitch along in a
+very deliberate way, and peer into this bell and into that, as if he
+wondered why they did not spread; but this might have been an odd fancy of
+mine.
+
+The first frost seemed to have passed through the tree-tops that rolled
+over the gorge in a hurry. The prominent points of the foliage were tufted
+with russet, but its hollows and dells were as green as ever.
+
+The woodland harvest was nigh--the Creator's own harvest, sown and reaped
+without the aid of man. The pawpaw began to shed its fruit; mandrakes stood
+up all over the forest, like umbrellas loaded with apples of gold; the
+wild cucumber was bending under its own weight; the bark of the hickory and
+beech nut was broken, and the fruit peeped out; acorns were loosening in
+their cups; the grape was purple and fragrant, and ready to gush with
+richness; and away down below me I noticed a crabbed, sour-looking plum
+tree, holding on to the hill-side with all its energy, and covered with its
+rosy-cheeked children.
+
+A few flowers yet lingered on the upland, breathing their last. The pink,
+violet, lupine, and a thousand nameless ones, had shed and buried their
+seeds long before; but the flaming, cardinal-fringed gentian, the yellow
+moccasin, and troops of lilies, still crowded the swales and watercourses,
+braving out the first frost. Insects were singing a melancholy dirge around
+me; a bee droned past in great haste, with a consequential hum; the year
+was passing and dying, like a vibration over the earth.
+
+The air was filled with winged seeds, sailing away off here and away off
+there, and going I do not know where. The wild cotton burst its pod, and
+furred out at a great rate; a large company of thistle balloons rolled up
+lazily into the sky, and went out of sight (to the stars, probably),
+directed by some invisible hand to the place of their destination. Birds
+were picking and carrying clusters of grapes and s'coke far and wide. How
+beautifully Nature sows her solemn wastes! The winds and the birds are her
+husbandmen, and the work goes on with a song.
+
+There was a bustle in a hickory--a black squirrel was flirting about, and
+making an examination of the crop. He had come early into the
+harvest-field. He ran up and down the branches, nipped the nuts, jumped
+upon his haunches, thought a while, chattered to himself, and said--or I
+thought he said--"Little too soon"--"Little too soon"--"Come again"--"Come
+again." At a distance, a male partridge, with his tail curved like a fan,
+and his feathers erect, was blustering and strutting around with great
+pomp, as consequential as a Broadway fop--a rabbit, crouched in a heap, sat
+off timidly under an upturned root, eating a pawpaw--a lonely snipe came
+tetering up the rivulet--a robin lit upon a scoke-bush, picked a berry or
+two, whistled, took a kind of last look, and departed; a little bird, as
+rich as sunset, next startled me with a stream of fire, which he wove
+through the green foliage, as if he were tying it up with a blazing cord; a
+sanctimonious crow floated in circles in the air, and screamed very
+savagely to things below him, like a preacher in a passion; and I heard
+turkeys clucking and calling to each other in every direction.
+
+Suddenly, a flock of pigeons broke the few bars of light that were
+struggling down, and wheeled to a dry limb, at a respectful distance; they
+ranged themselves in rows like platoons of soldiers, and bowed forwards and
+sideways, in a very polite, diplomatic way. A few words passed between
+them--(pigeons don't talk much)--exchanging, no doubt, opinions of me and
+my whereabouts. By and by, one spread his wings and fluttered to the
+ground, and began feeding--then another, and another, until the whole flock
+descended, except three sentinels, who remained posted to watch and guard.
+I knew them well. There was a "roost" in a tamarack swamp, some miles
+distant. Not long before, I had visited their noisy metropolis. It was at
+the close of day, and its evergreen canopy was half-dipped in light. I
+recollected what hosts came thronging in, on all sides, roaring like a
+tempest, and how they piled themselves upon the top of each other upon the
+boughs like swarming bees--and how all night the trees bent and cracked
+with the crowded population, who seemed continually treading upon each
+other's toes, and tumbling each other's beds--and how, when the day dawned,
+they all dissolved, and winged their way to the plains, and the troubled
+city was as silent as fallen Babylon.
+
+I like the pigeon. He has a business-way, and a way of minding his own
+business. He is always doing something. Who ever saw a pigeon trifle or
+frolic, or put on airs? He is the clipper of the skies' air-line. Eight
+hundred miles a day, few stoppages, and no bursting of boilers. He is a
+practical bird--no such dreamy, twilight sort of a thing as the
+whippoorwill, who is forever complaining about nothing, like a miserable
+rhymester--whir--whir--whir. "Ah! you are going. Pay my respects to the
+alligators among the rice swamps of Florida," said I, "when you see them
+next winter."
+
+The pigeons were started by the bay of hounds. By their voice, the hounds
+had probably been on the chase during most of the night--(it was a weary
+voice and almost painful)--and I soon discovered that they were
+approaching. Soon a drove of deer, led forward by a noble buck, carrying
+antlers like tree-branches, came crashing by, leaped the ravine, and were
+soon followed by their pursuers, and I watched them afar over the plain
+until they were lost. I knew the dogs. They belonged to Venison Styles. But
+where was Venison? I could see the old hunter, in my imagination, standing
+away off on some "run-way," listening to the strife around him, and
+watching for his victims.
+
+Perhaps you know, and perhaps you _don't_ know, reader, that deer, at
+certain seasons of the year, have "run-ways"--that they have great
+_high_ways--thoroughfares that follow mountains, thread morasses, cross
+lakes and streams, up and down which they travel. I cannot say who first
+laid them out. It may be they can tell. If I ever find out, I will let you
+know.
+
+I was next overhauled by a fleet of white butterflies, who came winding
+down the brook in a very loitering sort of a way. They anchored in front of
+me, near the water's edge, and amused themselves by opening and shutting
+their huge sails--huge for butterflies. Their wings were all bedropped with
+gold, and powdered with silver dust. Then another fleet, arrayed in
+chocolate velvet, came up the stream. They were large and showy. _Their_
+chocolate wings were ribbed with lines of blue and green; and a few plain,
+yellow plebeians followed on after, train-bearers, probably, to their
+lordly superiors. What brush touched those rich and delicate wings? What
+alchemist wrought those magical colors? Who put on those gorgeous uniforms?
+Were they equipped for the beauty and glory of the world, or their own? For
+what purpose was this winged mystery sent upon the earth? Just here a large
+frog, who had been sitting on a stone near the water, wrapped up to his
+eyes in his green surtout, looking as taciturn and gloomy as the Pope, went
+down with a "jug-a-ro," and spoiled my reflections.
+
+It was just after the first frost, and the wasps were hard at work,
+preparing, or repairing their mansions for winter. The mason-wasp, as he is
+called, was digging up the mud, which he carried to a hollow log, where he
+lived. He was "plastering up a little." The "paper-wasp" was gathering wild
+cotton and flax, and manufacturing it, for his palace that hung, half
+furnished, swinging in a tree like a top. Strange that man should have so
+long remained without the secret of making paper--when the wasp had made
+and hung it up high before his eyes, for so many thousand years!
+
+Thus, reader, the great wilderness was alive--and away down the chain of
+animated being, beyond the reach of the eye or ear, there was life--busy
+life--all links in a great chain held and electrified by the hand of the
+Almighty.
+
+What sermons there were all around me--Nature preaching through her works!
+What cathedral like this, with its living pillars--its dome of sun, and
+moon, and stars? Morn swings back its portals with light and song, and
+evening gently closes them again amid her deepening shadows--and the
+worship and work goes on like the swell of an anthem; but the great
+high-priest that worshipped at its altars, and burnt incense to the spirit
+that pervades this solitude, where is he? Where are his fires now? The
+temple still stands, and the anthem is still heard, but the worshippers are
+gone "Lo! the poor Indian."
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[C] Father Hennepin and others.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX.
+
+     The Old New England Home.--The Sheltered Village.--The
+     Ancient Buildings.--Dormer Windows.--An Old Puritanical
+     Home.--The Old Puritan Church.--The Burying-Ground.--Deacon
+     Smith, his Habits and his Helpers.--Major Simeon Giles, his
+     Mansion and his Ancestry.--Old Doctor Styles.--Crapo
+     Jackson, the Sexton.--"Training Days."--Militia
+     Dignitaries.--Major Boles.--Major General
+     Peabody.--Preparations and Achievements.--Demolition of an
+     Apple Cart.--"Shoulder Arms!"--Colonel Asher Peabody.--The
+     Boys, and their World.--My Last Look at my Native Village.
+
+
+Reader, there are mental pictures in the wilderness, as vivid as any in
+nature. They are the pictures of the past. They haunt the pioneer by day
+and by night. They go with him over the fields--sit down with him by the
+streams--linger around his evening hearth, and rise up in his dreams.
+
+I was born in New England. The village was very old, and had received and
+discharged generations of men. Some two centuries ago, a troop of
+iron-sided old pilgrims, full of theology and man's rights, an offshoot of
+a larger body, with their pastor at their head, founded the place, and gave
+it tone and direction.
+
+This village is very beautiful now. It stands sheltered between two
+mountains that cast their morning and evening shadows over it. A long
+stretch of meadow land lies between, through which a river, fringed with
+willows, lazily lingers and twists in elbows and half circles. The
+mountains sometimes look down very grim at the valley, and in places have
+advanced almost across it. There are a great many profiles detected by the
+imagination in their outline. Cotton Mather's face has been discovered in
+one huge rock--and the old fellow's head seems to withstand the storms of
+nature about as successfully as it did the storms of life. The "Devil's
+Pulpit"--a group of splintered shafts of Gothic appearance--is near by, and
+superstitious persons used to think that during every thunder-storm his
+majesty entered it, arrayed in garments of fire, and gave the Puritan a
+sound lecture.
+
+There are all kinds of buildings in this village. These buildings mark the
+age in which they were erected, and are the real monuments of their
+founders. They are as they were. They have not been marred or profaned by
+modern notions. Some are very eccentric piles, hoary with age, full of
+angles and sharp corners; and some are painfully plain and severe. They all
+have a face, a cast of countenance, an expression--they almost talk the
+English of a hundred and fifty years ago. The row of dormer windows on the
+roof are to me great eyes that frown down upon the frivolity and
+thoughtlessness of the present--and those eyes are full of theology and
+civil rights. They look as though they were watching a Quaker, or reading
+the Stamp Act. The very souls of their architects are transferred to them.
+I never enter one, even in these fearless times, without feeling nervous
+and sober, half expecting to run afoul of its original proprietor, with
+some interrogatory about my business, and the wickedness of his
+descendants.
+
+There used to stand--there is still standing--one of these queer piles upon
+a bluff overlooking the river. It was built of stone, and is very much
+moss-grown. It fairly looks daggers at the ambitious little structures that
+have sprouted up by its side. It is a heap of Puritanical thoughts--visible
+thoughts--all hardened into wood and rock. There it has stood, frowning and
+frowning, for a century and a half. It is full of great massive timbers and
+stones, and is as stout as the heart of its founder. A weather-cock is
+attached to one of the chimneys--a sheet-iron angel, lying on his breast,
+and blowing a trumpet, and the wind shifts him round and round over
+different parts of the village. This angel has blown away thousands of men;
+but there he lies, his cheeks puffed, blowing yet, as fresh and healthy as
+ever.
+
+The internal arrangement of this building is characteristic. A dark, gloomy
+hall--an enormous fireplace, extending across the whole end of a room--a
+quaint pair of andirons, which run up very high and prim, and turn back
+like a hook, with a dog's head growling on each tip. There are strange
+pictures on the walls, which have been preserved in memory of the
+past--Moses leading the Children of Israel through the Wilderness--Samson
+slaying the Lion--David cutting off the head of Goliath--stern shadows of
+the men who used to study them--not very remarkable works of art, but vivid
+outlines of the scenes themselves.
+
+This house has been occupied by an illustrious line of men, distinguished
+as divines, lawyers, and reformers; and it seems to glow with the fires
+they kindled in it--in fact, I believe it is inhabited by them yet. I
+believe that Parson ----, who lived under its roof for more than half a
+century, and preached during that time in the church near by, occasionally
+mounts his low-crowned, broad-brimmed hat, round-cornered coat, short
+breeches, knee-buckles, and heavy shoes, ties on his white neckcloth, and
+takes his cane, and, in a spiritual way, wanders back to his mansion, sits
+down again before the capacious fireplace, and meditates an hour or two as
+he used to do in life. He is one of those who keep the house company and
+give to it its sober air of determination and defiance.
+
+The old Puritan church stands near by. Time has thrown a mantle of moss
+over it. When erected, it was shingled from foundation to steeple--and a
+quaint little pepper-box steeple it was. Square, high, solemn-looking pews
+may be yet seen inside. The pulpit is perched away up under the eaves, like
+a swallow's nest. It is reached by a flight of steps almost as long as
+Jacob's ladder. It is covered with names, inscriptions written by men and
+women who were dust long ago. It looks like the place where "Old Hundred"
+was born, lived, and died--sombre, earnest, immovable.
+
+A burying-ground, ancient as the church, closes in on its three sides, and
+partly encircles it in its arms. There is preaching there yet. The dust of
+the living and dead congregations are one:
+
+    "Part of the host have crossed the flood,
+       And part are crossing now."
+
+Rough tombstones--mere ragged slugs, torn from some quarry--rounded and
+smoothed a little by a pious hand--stand half buried in the earth, pointing
+to the silent sleeper below. And then there are marble slabs, of a more
+modern date--yet very old--leaning this way and that, and nodding at each
+other. Preachers and congregations lie side by side, and it is one eternal
+Sabbath now. There are quaint pictures, and holy pictures, and horrible
+pictures chiselled out on these slabs. Skeleton Death, triumphantly
+marching with his scythe! Skulls, angels--and occasionally a figure that
+looks like his Satanic Majesty! Epitaphs full of theology, wit, and
+practical wisdom, are strewn around with an unsparing hand.
+
+There are a few genuine specimens of the Puritan stock lingering in this
+village--great boulders that lie around in society, like granite blocks on
+the earth, dropped by Time in his flight, and overlooked or forgotten.
+Deacon Smith is one of them. He and his father, and his father's father,
+were born and lived in the house he now occupies. He has almost reached
+fourscore and ten years. He wears the costume of 'seventy-six, inside and
+out. His habits are as uniform and regular as the swing of the pendulum. He
+retires at nine, rises at four, breakfasts at six, and dines at twelve; and
+this is done to a fraction--no allowance is made for circumstances--what
+are circumstances in the way of one of his rules? He marches to bed at the
+time, and would, if he left the President of the Republic behind him--he
+sits down to his table at the time, whether there is a dish on it or not.
+Law is law with him.
+
+The Deacon hates royalty and the British--he never overlooked the blood
+they shed in the Revolution. He seldom speaks to an Englishman. He hates
+interlopers, innovations, modern improvements; and I recollect well how he
+poured out his vials of wrath upon the first buggy wagon that he saw. He
+said it was a "very nice thing to sleep in." He left the church for some
+months when stoves were first put up, and declared that it was "as great a
+sacrilege as was ever committed, and enough to overthrow the piety of a
+saint. Religion would keep a man warm anywhere." He says he "thinks the
+Puritan blood is running down into slops! folks are rushing headlong to
+perdition! that there hasn't been a man in the village for twenty years who
+ought to be intrusted with himself"--and it seems to him that the world is
+winding up business.
+
+When the Deacon rises, he goes around his house, hawking, spitting,
+slamming doors, tumbling down wood, just to cast a slur on the lazy habits
+of modern days. Sometimes he tramps up and down the village, two hours
+before day, a-hemming, hawing, and sneezing, for the purpose of letting the
+sluggards understand he is stirring. He has been known, on more than one
+occasion, to give vent to his feelings, at this early hour, by blowing the
+family dinner-horn, and declaring, as the blast echoed away, "that no
+Christian man could sleep, after such a call."
+
+The Deacon has a few helpers about him, who think as he thinks--but they
+are very few. When they meet, the world takes a most inhuman raking--they
+spare neither "age, sex, nor condition."
+
+But the leading business men of the village are of a different stamp--not
+Puritans, but Puritanical--the same rock with the corners knocked off--of
+less strength, but more polish. They reverence their fathers, keep the
+religious and political altar they have raised burning, but are not so
+regardless of temporal comforts; in a word, they are Yankees.
+
+Major Simeon Giles is a specimen. It is difficult to draw his portrait. He
+has a hard, dry face, which looks as though it had been turned out from a
+seasoned white-oak knot. He wears a grievous expression, lying somewhere
+between sobriety and melancholy. His money, character, and family have made
+him a great man--he is a leading personage in church and state, and
+exercises a wonderful influence in every department of society. The deacon
+is full of dry expressions, and many of his cool, sly remarks have become
+proverbs; but the hardest thing he ever said was after his pious soul had
+been very much vexed, when he observed, "that if Providence should see fit
+to remove Mr. ---- from this vale of tears, he would endeavor to resign
+himself to the stroke."
+
+Major Simeon has many severe struggles within him, between the flesh and
+the spirit. His avarice and piety are both strong, and the former sometimes
+gains a temporary advantage. All his movements are governed by method. He
+remains so long at his store, so long at his house, "takes a journey" with
+his family once a year, "has a place for everything, and everything in its
+place,"--a peg for his hat, a corner for his boots--and he is almost as
+rigid in observing and enforcing his laws as Deacon Smith.
+
+Major Simeon is supreme, of course, over his own family. He never trifles
+with his children. A cold shadow falls around him, which often silences
+their voice of mirth and ringing laugh--the effect of reverence, however,
+more than fear.
+
+Major Giles lives in the Old Giles Mansion. I will not pretend to say how
+many Gileses have occupied it. Their portraits are hanging upon its walls,
+and their bodies lie in the burying-ground; a long row of them, all the
+way across it, and half back again--bud, blossom, and gathered fruit. There
+is the portrait of the celebrated Elnathan Giles, who died during the reign
+of Queen Anne. He looks very stern. He had passed through the scenes of the
+Salem witchcraft, and had been personally connected with the
+excitement--had attended several of the trials as a witness; was bewitched
+once himself--and, according to family tradition, saw one witch hung--an
+out-and-out witch--who had bridled many innocent people at midnight, sailed
+through chamber windows, and hurry-scurried off with them, astride a
+broomstick.
+
+Next to him hangs the face of his son, Colonel Ethelbert, as he was called,
+who lived just long enough to fight at Bunker Hill. He had been a militia
+colonel before the Revolution, and militia colonels were something in those
+days. He made a ferocious-looking portrait, certainly. One can almost smell
+gunpowder in the room. He is dressed up in his military coat, standing
+collar, an epaulet on his shoulder; and there are strewn around him, in the
+background, armies, artillery, drums, and banners. No wonder the Americans
+were victorious. And then came the face of Major Simeon, whom I have
+described.
+
+The wives of these men are also done up in oil, and hang meekly and
+submissively by the side of their lords, as all wives should, or rather as
+all wives did, in those days--and actually died without knowing how much
+they were oppressed.
+
+There are other things besides portraits, to remind Major Simeon of his
+ancestry. There is a tree still standing (strange that a tree should
+outlive generations of men), that Elnathan planted with his own hand, on
+the day Ethelbert was born--a stately elm, whose branches, in their
+magnificent curve, almost sweep the ground. This tree shadowed the cold
+face of both Elnathan and Ethelbert, when their coffins were closed for the
+last time beneath it. There is the spring, more than half a century old,
+that bubbles from the hill, and goes trickling, leaping, and flashing down
+the green slope, singing away to itself as sweetly as ever. The old
+lilac-bush, too, has outlived thousands whose hands have plucked its
+blossoms, and yet it bursts out in the spring, and looks as fresh as the
+children who play beneath it.
+
+It has been thought that Major Simeon and his family were aristocratic.
+There is a stately air about them, when they enter church, that smacks of
+blood. And the Major himself has often declared that, while "stock isn't
+everything, it is a great consolation to know, in his case, that the name
+of Giles has never been stained."
+
+There are several other families in the village whose ancestry runs back as
+far as the Gileses'; and they have about them as many heirlooms to remind
+them of it.
+
+The village is filled with other characters, quite as original as any I
+have described. They are important personages, and have lived in it a long
+time; but they have no family history to fall back upon. There is Major
+Follett, who still lingers on the shores of time, and sustains a vast
+dignity amid his declining years. His head is very white, his hat very
+sleek, and his silk vest is piled very full of ruffles. He carries a
+gold-headed cane, and when he marches through the streets, it rises and
+falls with great emphasis, in harmony with his right foot. Now and then he
+gives out an a-hem!--one of the lordly kind--that fairly awes down his
+inferiors. He is a remarkable talker, too, among his equals--uses words
+having a great many syllables. He never spits, but "expectorates"--his
+pains are all "paroxysms"--talks about the "foreshadowing of events"--and
+all his periods are as round and stately as the march of a Roman army. The
+Major has actually made his assumed dignity pave his way in life--it has
+given him wealth and influence among those who are intrinsically his
+superiors, but who do not know how to put on the airs of consequence.
+
+Old Doctor Styles is living yet. He has survived two or three crops of
+customers--helped them in and out of the world--balanced their
+accounts--and his face is as ruddy, his laugh as hearty, his stories as
+ludicrous, his nose as full of snuff, as though nothing melancholy had ever
+happened in his practice. Eighty odd and more, he stands as straight as a
+staff. Death has been so long a business with him, and he has stared it for
+so many years in the face, that he really does not know, or care, how near
+he is to it himself.
+
+Crapo Jackson, the sexton, is one of the characters. He has announced the
+end of Doctor Styles's labor a great many hundred times through the belfry,
+and helped cover up what remained. Crapo is black, but he has a fine heart.
+He is a perfect master of his work. He puts on an air of melancholy and
+circumspection at a funeral, that becomes the occasion. He sings, from door
+to door, a hymn on Christmas mornings, with cap in hand extended for his
+"quarter"--peddles gingerbread on training days--and aids the female
+portion of the community on festival occasions, and does a great many more
+things, "too numerous to mention."
+
+Speaking of "training days"--dear me!--there used to be a military spirit
+in this village, in times past. I can recollect the names of scores of
+generals, majors, colonels, captains, and even corporals--yes,
+corporals--every man couldn't be a corporal in those times. Why, bless your
+soul, reader! there was General Peabody, and General Jones, and Major
+Goodwin, and Major Boles, and any quantity of colonels. And then "training
+day"--nobody worked--the village was upside down--"'Seventy-six" was in
+command, and martial law declared.
+
+Major Boles I recollect, when in the active discharge of his duty. He
+always grew serious as the great militia muster drew on. He went away off
+by himself, into the chamber, where he could be alone with the spirits of
+his forefathers, and burnished up his sword, shook out the dust from his
+regimentals--warned his children to stand out of the way--and looked
+ferociously at his wife. He knew he was _Major_ Boles, and he knew every
+other respectable man knew it.
+
+But Major-General Peabody was the greatest general _I_ ever saw. When a
+boy, I looked upon him as a very blood-thirsty man, and nothing would have
+induced me to go near him. He was a little fellow in stature, had a hard
+round paunch that looked like an iron pot, and short, thick, dropsical
+legs. (Major Boles, who was a little envious, said they were stuffed, which
+produced a coldness between them.) His face was freckled, and his hair
+gray. He wore two massive epaulets, an old Revolutionary cap, shaped like
+the moon in its first quarter, from which a white and red feather curved
+over his left ear. He had a sword--and such a sword! Nobody dared touch it;
+for it was the General's sword!
+
+"Training day" usually opened with a boom from the field-piece, at
+sunrise, that shook the hills. About ten in the morning the soldiers began
+to pour in from all quarters. Drums and fifes, and muskets and rifles,
+filed along in confusion,--ambitious companies in uniform--common militia,
+who were out according to law. Uncle Joe Billings, who had played the
+bass-drum for more than twenty years (poor old man, he is dead now!) was
+seen gravely marching along all by himself, his drum slung about his neck,
+his head erect, his step firm, pushing on to head-quarters at the measured
+beat of his own music, now and then cutting a flourish with his right hand,
+for the amusement of the children who were capering around him. Knots of
+soldiers gathered about the tavern, and made a circle for the music to
+practise, preparatory to the great come-off. Then came the good old
+continental tunes that were full of fight, played by old fifers and
+drummers that had been through the wars; men who made a solemn and earnest
+thing of martial music--who reverenced it as the sacred voice of liberty,
+not to be trifled with, who thought of Bunker Hill until the tears started
+from their eyes. Those old airs, that used to echo among the mountains of
+New England--where are they?
+
+But the captains, and colonels, and generals did not mix with the common
+soldiers on training day--no! nor speak to them. Rank meant something. They
+felt as though they were out in a war. They kept themselves covered from
+the public gaze away off in a secluded corner of the tavern, and were
+waited upon with great respect by those of inferior grade. Sometimes a
+guard was stationed at the door to prevent a crowd upon their dignity.
+Occasionally, one of them would bustle out among the rank and file on some
+momentous duty, fairly blazing with gold and silver, lace and feathers;
+but there was never an instance of one of these characters recognizing even
+his own brother while in military costume. Major Boles has often said that
+"no officer can be expected to see small things when in the active
+discharge of his duty."
+
+At about eleven o'clock the solemn roll of the drums was heard, and loud
+voices of command followed; and swords flashed, and feathers danced, in the
+organization of the companies; and then came the training--real training--a
+mile down street; a mile back again; a perfect roar of music; and flags
+flying--horses prancing. What was rain, or dust, or mud with such an army!
+They marched straight through it; it was nothing to war. The sweat poured
+down, but the army moved on for hours and hours in its terrible march.
+
+The great sight of the day, however, was the Major-General and his staff--I
+mean, of course, Major-General Peabody. They were not seen until about
+three o'clock in the afternoon; it being customary for them to withdraw
+from public observation the day prior to the muster. When the army was
+drawn up in the field, preparatory to inspection, there was usually a pause
+of an hour--a pause that was deeply impressive. We never knew exactly where
+the General and his staff were concealed. Some persons said they were
+housed in one place, some in another; but, upon the discharge of a cannon,
+they burst upon us, glittering like the sun, and came cantering down the
+road with perfect fury, in a cloud of dust, followed by a score of boys who
+were on a sharp run to "keep up."
+
+General Peabody and his staff always rushed headlong into the field,
+without looking to the right or left. I recollect that on one occasion he
+demolished an apple-cart, and absolutely turned everything topsy-turvy,
+besides creating great consternation among the by-standers; but it did not
+disturb him, and it was only upon information the next day that he knew
+that anything serious had happened.
+
+Passing the ruins of the apple-cart, and entering within the guarded lines,
+he halted, and took a survey of his troops. Then the music saluted him, and
+the companies waved their flags. He rode a little nearer, rose in his
+stirrups, jerked out his sword spitefully, and, looking ferociously, cried
+out, "Shoulder arms!" This cry was just as spitefully repeated by the
+subordinate officers; and, after a while, the privates, one after another,
+lazily raised their "pieces" to their shoulders. The General was in the act
+of rising again, and was drawing in his breath for a command of thunder,
+when his horse wheeled at the report of a musket that went off in the
+lines, and came near upsetting him, feathers and all; but he fell into the
+arms of one of his aids, and--swore, as I was at the time credibly
+informed, though I could hardly believe it.
+
+The General very soon righted himself, and, striking his horse several
+violent blows across his rump, cut a great many flourishes on the field, to
+the utter astonishment of the lookers-on. He then rushed through the orders
+of the day like a madman, and was manifestly utterly fearless of
+consequences.
+
+I hope my readers are satisfied that Major-General Peabody was a great
+military character. I recollect, when a boy, that I heard him say, "that he
+was very sure _he_ would be the last man to run in a fight,"--"that he was
+afraid to trust himself in a battle, for he never could lay down his sword
+until the last enemy was massacred!"
+
+The old man was laid under the turf one autumnal afternoon, many years ago,
+but his prowess is not forgotten to this day. His son, Colonel Asher
+Peabody, who inherited his father's spirit, erected a stately monument over
+his remains, which was covered with drums, and fifes, and swords, and
+waving banners, and big-mouthed guns, intermixed with texts of Scripture,
+the virtues of the deceased, admonitions to the living, &c. This monument
+was always as terrific to me as the General himself; and, in my boyish
+days, I always contemplated it from a distance, not knowing but that it
+might blow up a piece of juvenile impertinence like myself on the spot.
+
+Yes, reader, these were training days in New England; but the military
+glory has now actually died out. The last gathering I saw I shall never
+forget. It was, indeed, a sorry group, made up of a rusty captain, two or
+three faded corporals, and a handful of dare-devil privates, who cared no
+more for their country than so many heathen. The officers looked cowed and
+heart-broken, and loitered about in a very melancholy way; and it was
+evident that the spirit of '76 was on its last legs. I afterwards learned,
+I am sorry to say, that the captain, in a fit of patriotic rage, broke his
+sword across his knee, and declared "that he never would turn out again as
+long as his name was Jones!"
+
+And then, reader, this village was full of boys when I was a boy. Every
+village is, you say. Very likely; but _such_ boys! there have never been
+anything like them since. They wandered with me Saturday afternoons
+through the meadows, where the lark was flitting and singing; and we
+related wonderful stories about the future. We cut red-willow canes, made
+whistles, and dammed mountain rivulets. Life opened to us with a chant: it
+was melody, melody everywhere. There was the mountain gorge, down which we
+rolled stones with the voice of thunder; the "big rock," in the river, from
+which we fished; the pond, that we thought had "no bottom;" the mountain
+cliff, with its "den of snakes:" _where_ are those boys now?
+Everywhere--nowhere! Citizens of the world, some; and some of that other
+world. They will never be all gathered but once more.
+
+But what has all this to do with Puddleford? Much. They are so many
+pictures that I carry around with me, and they form a part of my existence.
+They color life, thought, action; they mould the man; they are continually
+inviting contrasts, and making suggestions; and I cannot omit to notice
+them in my sketch of that famous village.
+
+When I last saw my native village--it was but a little while ago--it lay
+sleeping in its amphitheatre as beautiful and tranquil as ever among the
+shadows of its elms. It was summer, and the air was rich with music and
+flowers. The highest peaks of the mountain were draped in blue, and the
+valley beneath was a waving sea of green, down which the sunshine chased
+the shade. The quail was blowing his simple pipe among the fields of grain;
+the drone of the locust, the clanging of the mower's scythe, and the shout
+and the song, were heard in the fields in the still afternoon. When the sun
+went down, and its last flash leaped from the vane of the church-steeple to
+a lofty mountain-peak three miles away, the whippoorwill began her
+plaintive song, and the night-hawks went wheeling through the sky. Then the
+evening bells broke forth, and their echoes sobered the twilight; and, as
+their last vibration expired along the valley, the river stood golden
+beneath the rays of the moon.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX.
+
+     First Militia Law in Puddleford.--Aunt Sonora opposed to
+     it.--Turtle sets her right.--Meeting to choose
+     Officers.--Longbow electioneers for Captain; Takes the
+     Chair.--Turtle objects.--P'ints of Order.--_Vivy Vocy_ Vote
+     won't do.--Legally authorized Boxes must be had.--Longbow's
+     Speech.--Turtle fined for Contempt.--Longbow elected
+     Captain.--Great Military Turn-out.--Company turn a Circle;
+     Break down.--Turn an Angle; Break down again.--Address to
+     Troops.--Adjourn _sine die_.
+
+
+This great republic has ever been notorious for its patriotism, and this
+patriotism used to break out everywhere, in days past, into a volcanic
+eruption on days of general militia muster. Puddleford began very early to
+feel the necessity of a spontaneous expression of its devotion to our
+common country. When it was very new, and before any law had been passed by
+the legislature organizing its people into companies, regiments,
+battalions, and divisions, very strong premonitory symptoms of war were
+frequently manifested. Beagle brought into the country an old snare drum,
+which gave out a very crazy sound. Swipes owned a fife that squeaked most
+hideously; and this fife and drum, with their owners tied to them, often
+went on one of the most public corners of the village, on moonlight nights,
+and roused up the war spirit of the whole neighborhood. They seemed to put
+the very furies into the dogs, who barked and howled from every quarter.
+By and by, a law was passed by the legislature of the state, compelling
+every man to do militia duty, under fines and penalties that were really
+frightful; and Turtle most solemnly declared, upon the strength of a fee of
+one dollar to him paid for his advice thereon, "that the act was
+constitutional, and accordin' to the common la' and the staterts, and that
+it must be lived up to, fodder or no fodder!"
+
+Aunt Sonora said, "she didn't see what under heavens an' airth anybody
+wanted of a war la'; they'd allers got along well 'nough in Puddleford
+mindin' their own business. Somebody allers got killed when there were so
+many guns and sogers, and so much powder; and for her part, she'd not stay
+round any such gath'rings, if she starv'd in jail. She'd quit the
+settlement fust!"
+
+Turtle informed the old lady that "wimin wouldn't have-ter turn out; it was
+only the men over eighteen years of age--and that there was no fighting
+done, only in case of actual invasion of the country, when wimin and all
+would have-ter fight like blazes, or the whole settlement would be laid in
+ashes."
+
+Aunt Sonora still insisted that "guns were _dang_-rous, any way; that they
+_would_ go off, nobody knew when, and she shouldn't be s'prised to hear of
+a dozen men bein' killed at every trainin'; if men would only be ker-ful,
+but then they wouldn't; they'd all get as crazy as March hares, and as wild
+as loons!"
+
+By the law, every company was permitted to choose its own officers, and
+Puddleford counted just about people enough to make a respectable
+organization of one company in numbers. It was resolved to hold a meeting
+for organization, and to immediately choose officers at the tavern of
+Bulliphant, no man under eighteen years of age to be present, because, as
+Longbow declared, "that would be agin the la', and the proceedin's would be
+all squashed."
+
+In truth, Longbow had no doubt in his mind, from the very first, that he
+would be captain from the very necessity of the case. He was, he thought,
+the military pillar of the whole township, as well as the civil; and as he
+had generalled everything so far, he did not believe any one would dare to
+dispute his inalienable right to that eminent position. So the Squire began
+very early to talk learnedly about the last war, and the blood and fury
+which accompanied it; and he put on a very ferocious look when in public,
+and was frequently seen practising with his old fusee at a mark, which
+discharged like a funnel, wrong end foremost. "He had a brother," he said,
+"who fit at Lunder's Lane, and who was shot in the back, by savage Injuns
+in the rear, jest as he was a-bagnettin' some of the British!"
+
+Turtle, who was a little ambitious for the office, and who saw the drift of
+the Squire's bravado, said, "he guessed he was a-runnin' when he got that
+are shot."
+
+The Squire replied, that "he shouldn't sit still and hear such talk from
+any man. He didn't care 'bout his brother--it warn't that--but to hear the
+patriots of our country slandered was a species of high treason, and that
+was agin the constitution; and that 'ere insterment couldn't be violated in
+his presence by no man--_he_ was a sworn officer--and the glorious blood of
+the great wars was a sacred thing in his eye--and it _should_ be
+protected."
+
+Turtle declared, "it didn't make any difference what the Squire's _brother_
+did, or did not do--it didn't help the Squire any. He guessed the Squire's
+blood had Peter'd out."
+
+The Squire said, "he was the last man to boast of his relations, but blood
+was blood, whatever they might say."
+
+On the famous night when the election came off, the tavern of Bulliphant
+was crowded. A dozen or more ragged urchins, who had been barred out by
+authority contained in the notice, had clustered around the windows, and
+were gazing in with awe upon the assemblage. The "wimin" had been admitted
+by special grace, and occupied the adjoining rooms. It was a most momentous
+occasion--a great day for Puddleford--"it looked so much like war," as Aunt
+Sonora said, "as if they were a-goin' to fight right off."
+
+The Squire rose, after the crowd had gathered, and said, "the first thing
+in order was to drink--it wouldn't be proper to enter into any important
+military business, without first drinking to our common country--and he
+wished the land_lud_ to set on a gallon of baldface--the Puddleford name
+for whiskey--so the wheels could be started right."
+
+"And another thing," exclaimed Turtle; "we want the American flag and an
+eagle, these 'ere glorious symbols that went along with our forefathers
+when they were a fightin' for the liberties of our country!" but as
+Puddleford had no flag, a compromise was made, and the meeting concluded to
+nail a shilling pocket-handkerchief, which had one painted on it, to the
+bar, leave out the eagle, and take the whiskey.
+
+Squire Longbow took the chair, and said, "he would listen to anything the
+meetin' had to say. He was by la' inspector of elections."
+
+Turtle objected--"he didn't know whether he'd take the chair or not--that
+was for the meetin' to say."
+
+The Squire said, "he took it by virtue of bein' a member of the board of
+inspectors of township elections--and this was one of 'em--a regular
+township 'lection, and nothin' else, held by authority of la', under the
+statert, past and 'proved, and sent him as justis to be lived up to."
+
+Turtle replied, "he didn't see how the Squire was a _board_ of inspectors;
+'cordin' to his own showin'--where's the township clerk, and where's the
+supervisor--have you swallow'd 'em all up, Mr. Longbow?" He objected, and
+he wanted his objection noted--taken down in black and white.
+
+The Squire said, "that was _their_ business--if they neglected the defence
+of our common country, _he_ couldn't help it--he meant to be a patriot, and
+stand up to the constitution and staterts, if every man in Puddleford
+turned traitor." The Squire swelled out very large, after concluding this
+speech.
+
+At this point, Aunt Sonora, who was intently absorbed in the earnestness
+which pervaded the meeting, and who sat in the next room, rose, and asked
+the Squire "if there was really goin' to be war?"
+
+The Squire replied, "that the meetin' must not be disturbed; the wimin had
+been let in as a great favor--for he didn't think the statert meant to have
+a soul on 'em present, and he didn't know but jest that thing would blow
+all the proceedin's to flinders in the higher courts, and that _every soul_
+on 'em would be court-martialed."
+
+Aunt Sonora slunk out of sight, drew her handkerchief, and heaved a long
+sigh.
+
+Turtle rose and said, "he would nominate the Colonel captain of the first
+militia company of Puddleford."
+
+"That's straight agin la'!" exclaimed the Squire; "that makes a _vivy vocy_
+vote on't, and we can't take any _vivy vocy_ vote here; this 'ere thing has
+got-ter go through the town ballot-box, or it won't be legal--this vote
+must be returned in form to the governor, and if _he_ should see it was a
+_vivy vocy_ vote, he'd squash everything quicker'n you could say Jack
+Robinson." The Squire didn't like the nomination--he was determined to be
+captain himself.
+
+Turtle asked the Squire "if a hat would not do to collect votes?"
+
+The Squire said, "nothing short of the legally authorized boxes; he
+couldn't trample down the la'."
+
+The legally authorized boxes were procured, and the voting was ready to go
+forward.
+
+Hereupon the Squire arose, and blowing his nose with one finger, a side at
+a time, and heaving a few sepulchral hems, said "that it was his duty to
+say a few words: He was something of a military man himself--he belonged to
+the Hos Guards down in the Susquehannas, when he was a young man, a great
+many years ago, and they had sham fights most every year." ("Was anybody
+killed?" exclaimed Aunt Sonora, who had forgotten herself, and whose nerves
+had been shocked by hearing the word "fight.")
+
+The Squire turned to Aunt Sonora, and declared that "it was the last time
+she _should_ speak. They had sham fights most every year," continued the
+Squire, "and he recollected that, while pursuin' the enemy in an open
+field, he fell from his horse, and bruised his head, but he caught his
+horse agin, and jined his company, 'fore anybody knew what had happened."
+
+Turtle rose, and inquired, "What he put on his head? If it warn't
+opodildoc?"
+
+"And that company," continued the Squire, disregarding Turtle's question,
+"is in existence yet, and is commanded by Captain Zekiel--Zekiel--Zekiel--I
+don't know what his t'other name is; and there ain't no time,
+feller-citizens, sin' it's bin a company, that it wouldn't er turned out in
+war if there'd bin a war, and they'd bin called on, feller-citizens."
+
+Turtle Said "he know'd about the last war, and he never heer'd of that
+company of Hos Guards nowhere."
+
+"Ah! but you see!" answered the Squire, "they weren't called on--and he
+might as well say that he was _lef_-tenant onc't in the great Pennsylvaney
+militia--not that he wanted to be captain of _this_ company--and he might a
+'gone higher, but he wouldn't take it--his former wife, that's dead and
+gone, know'd that. And then, feller-citizens, there's a great deal of la'
+'bout our militia, and if a captin don't know the la', everything will be
+illegal, and _every_ son of you will be called up and court-martialed, and
+fined, and 'prisoned, and your property taken and sold; and there ain't no
+'peelin' it up, for military laws ain't like other laws, feller-citizens,
+they ain't--"
+
+"That's a lie!" exclaimed Turtle.
+
+"_Who_ says that's a lie?" vociferated the Squire, jerking his head around.
+"_What's_ a lie?"
+
+"It's _all_ a lie!" repeated Ike.
+
+"Give me that 'ere statement," roared the Squire. It was handed up. "By
+authority in me vested, in that 'ere book, I fine you one dollar. It's a
+contempt, sir--a contempt upon both a justice of the peace, and a 'spector
+of 'lections. I oughter say _two_ dollars--it's a double contempt--I fine
+you one dollar, sir; and you can't vote, sir, here, sir, in this 'ere
+meetin', sir, while you're under contempt, sir, until you pay the dollar,
+sir--and I might sue you for special damages, sir, but _I_ don't care 'bout
+that, sir--it is my office that I am protectin';" and the Squire sat down
+in the midst of his unfinished speech, filled with wrath.
+
+Squire Longbow was very sincere in his position which he had so confidently
+taken. He had been so long a magistrate, and "head man" of Puddleford, and
+he had been so closely identified with its public affairs, that he felt
+himself always in court, and every personal insult was construed by him
+into a contempt. Turtle humored the weakness of the old man, when his
+dignity was in jeopardy, and on this occasion he felt no alarm, for he knew
+that the fine would never be collected. Turtle owed the Squire more fines
+already than he was worth.
+
+Squire Longbow was elected captain of the Puddleford company. When he spoke
+so eloquently of the liberty and property of the people being so likely to
+be jeopardized by an officer ignorant in the law, he carried his point, for
+there was no man in the settlement so mighty as the Squire in that respect,
+in the estimation of the public.
+
+In the fall, the Squire exhibited the first Puddleford militia company ever
+assembled upon parade to the gaping wonder of its men, women, and children.
+He formed his raw recruits into a line by the aid of a board fence, which
+was supposed to be nearly straight, in the outskirts of the place. The
+Squire was a very blood-thirsty looking captain, after he had mounted his
+regimentals. He had turned up a broad-brimmed felt hat, and tacked the
+sides by a flaming red cockade made of flannel, and had fastened an ostrich
+feather, which he found in the wardrobe of his second wife, Aunt Graves, in
+its top, which drooped heavily over his back. His coat was his best
+homespun, the same that was woven by the hands of his first wife, and in
+which he afterwards courted Aunt Graves, and it was bedizened with stripes
+of cloth of every color. His sword was an old-fashioned affair, which he
+had loaned of Ike Turtle, and was an heirloom in the Turtle family, it
+having been used by his grandfather in the revolutionary war. His waistcoat
+was red, and his boot-legs came over his pantaloons, each one supporting a
+heavy cotton tassel, which swung to and fro as he walked.
+
+The company was as complete a specimen of ragamuffins as were ever
+congregated together. There were three guns to the crowd, and the balance
+of the arms were made up of the most murderous implements within reach,
+such as axes, pitchforks, &c.
+
+But the Squire did not forget his dignity for a single moment. He put on a
+martial air, and felt himself every inch a captain. While his company stood
+erect in a line against the board fence, he marched backwards and forwards,
+looking at it over his shoulder, with the greatest military pride, while
+three dogs, his own property, and who had come out to witness the parade,
+trotted after him. When the Squire wheeled to retrace his steps, the dogs
+wheeled; when the Squire faced about to take a broadside view of his
+company, the dogs sat down on their haunches, and took a view with him.
+During the exercises, the Squire accidentally cut a low flourish with his
+sword, and upset one of his own curs, who went howling towards the fence,
+and lay down in the shade, perfectly satisfied with war, while the other
+two, taking warning, retired farther in the rear, where they thought they
+could see just as well. The Squire had not studied very deeply military
+works on tactics, and his orders were somewhat monotonous, and were mostly
+made up of two--"Shoul-_der_ arms!" and "Rest!" Walking a few paces, he
+would suddenly wheel and cry, like the cracking of a pistol, in a most
+furious tone--"Shoul-_der_ arms!" then taking a few strides, which seemed
+to soften his temper, he would turn softly, as if he repented his
+harshness, with--"Rest!" And the Puddleford company for an hour shouldered
+and unshouldered their arms, to the astonishment of the crowd of urchins
+that were looking on.
+
+It had been announced for a week, that the field exercises would come off
+in the afternoon, at three o'clock. The ladies were invited to attend at
+that hour, to witness the display. Squire Longbow gave as a reason for this
+second eruption of patriotism, that the "Hos Guards down on the
+Susquehannas allers had field exercises in the arternoon,"--"that, if it
+hadn't-er been for field exercises, the Hos Guards wouldn't-er never been
+fit for war,"--and Aunt Sonora told Mrs. Swipes, and Mrs. Swipes told Mrs.
+Beagle, and they all told somebody else, that the field exercises were
+going to be "jist sich as the Squire used to have down on the
+Susquehannas." Aunt Sonora, however, sent down her boy Jabez to inquire of
+Squire Longbow's wife, if there was a-goin' to be any shootin' there, for
+if there was, "she was the last critter that would go--she could tell 'em
+that."
+
+At noon the Puddleford company adjourned for one hour, when the Squire
+thanked them, "one and all, for their grand military performance, which was
+a credit alike unto themselves and their country, and he hop'd they'd be on
+hand in the arter-_noon_, 'cordin' to law."
+
+At three o'clock the troops assembled for field exercises, in a ten-acre
+lot, and they appeared to be very much recruited. Some eight or ten of the
+patriots, however, had evidently been indulging at the "Eagle," and they
+did not stand quite plumb. The captain found it very difficult to form them
+into a line. Beagle could not possibly shoulder arms without sagging
+against the column. Swipes stood much straighter than he did when sober in
+the forenoon. He was so anxious to disguise his condition, that he had
+planted himself in a most defiant attitude, with one foot advanced, and had
+fixed his eyes upon the sky; he went through the exercises in a twitching,
+nervous way, as if Longbow was moving him like a puppet by a string. Turtle
+felt mischievously well, and the colonel stood as stoical as if he expected
+to lay down his life before the enemy in fifteen minutes.
+
+The Squire's three dogs, who had been out during the forenoon, had returned
+to see the end of the parade. Thirty or forty women and children were also
+present, sitting upon stumps, and hanging upon fences in a very
+miscellaneous sort of confusion. Aunt Sonora and Mrs. Longbow had procured
+a couple of chairs, and the old lady seated herself, and took up her
+knitting. Mrs. Longbow did not mix very much with the crowd, because she
+could not forget that her husband was "captin of the day," as she said,
+and she and her husband she felt to be one.
+
+The Squire formed the company into a line. "The fust thing to be did,"
+exclaimed he, drawing his sword, and swinging it three times around his
+head, as a kind of three cheers, and scaring his dogs by this frightful
+flourish, repeated before their eyes, and who had not forgotten the
+accident of the morning--"the fust thing to be did, feller-sogers, is to
+turn a circle."
+
+"To turn a _what_?" roared Turtle from the ranks.
+
+"To turn a circle," repeated the captain, "as the Hos Guards used to do,
+down inter the Susquehannas."
+
+"T-h-u-n-d-e-r!!" ejaculated Ike.
+
+"No talking in the ranks--'tis finable--and 'twon't be permitted. We're
+under martial law, and that's _very sum_'ry, Mr. Turtle, very _sum_'ry! And
+to turn a circle," continued the Squire, "is one-er the most complercated
+revolutions ever performed by the Hos Guards. I hereby appoint Mr. Beagle
+the centre pin. Mr. Turtle will head the column--Mr. Beagle will stand
+still, and the column will sweep round him, to the point from which they
+started. Heads up! Shoul-_der_ arms! Ev'ry man to his post!"
+
+The captain drew his sword, and cried terribly, "For-_erd_, men!" Turtle
+ran--the man behind him ran--and all ran, helter-skelter, some whooping,
+some groaning, and in their sweep they took in a score of ragged boys, and
+hurled them upon Aunt Sonora and Mrs. Longbow, who keeled over backwards in
+their chairs, their petticoats fluttering, in their somerset, in the face
+of the whole company. The Squire, forgetting his own position, when he saw
+the position of his second wife, hastened to her rescue, set her up, and
+pointed with his sword to the road, and she and Aunt Sonora pushed
+desperately for the fence, their hair streaming behind them, bellowing
+"Murder!" while the company brought up in the shape of a pot-hook, having
+about half described the circle,--Beagle, the "centre-pin," crying to them
+to "come on!"
+
+"H-ll!" involuntarily ejaculated the Squire, as he looked upon the
+confusion.
+
+"That's swearin'," said Ike from the ranks, "and is agin the statert."
+
+The Squire explained. "He didn't swear as a justis', he swore as a captin',
+and captins allers swore on the field-er action--but he'd take that 'ere
+oath back.--What do you s'pose the Hos Guards would think of such a
+revolution as that 'ere,"--continued the Squire, looking at the huddle
+before him, "wouldn't _they_ swear? Do you call that a circle?--Every man
+to his post in a line!" and the company straggled back into a column.
+
+Aunt Sonora sat upon the fence, panting with fright, and fanning her
+flushed face with her cotton handkerchief. She told Mr. Longbow that "she
+know'd that somebody'd be kill'd afore night--these sogers were so
+_ker_-less--everybody was so hurly-burly, they'd run anybody right down,
+and stomp on 'em; and if she hadn't got out-er the way jist as she did, she
+would have been a dead woman, she know'd."
+
+"Now," said the Squire, "we'll try to turn an angle; if you can't turn a
+circle, maybe you can turn an angle; and we'll drive a stake to turn it by,
+and Mr. Turtle will again head the column."
+
+The stake was driven at the point of the right angle, "where," said the
+captain, "you will all turn square around." The column moved forward
+solemnly, in a line like a scythe snath, and, reaching the corner, began to
+waver. Beagle at last fell headlong over the stake, and the whole company
+brought up in a pile around him; whereupon the Squire threw his sword on
+the ground, and declared, "he'd throw up his commission--and the country
+might go to grass for all him."
+
+Turtle, who had brought about this confusion, "regretted the misfortune. It
+was all an accident--Beagle had fallen, and discomboberated the whole
+proceedings--accidents would occur on the field--and, in fact, he know'd a
+man shot down dead once in the ranks--he guess'd the movement had better be
+tried over; the stake, he thought, was a leetle too high."
+
+The Squire said, "it was very discouragin'--the Hos-Guards down on the
+Susquehannas turned an angle the fust time tryin'--and on hosses, too. His
+fust wife, now dead and gone, know'd that, for she was thar--it was one of
+the simplest revolutions in all military tactics. He would like jist to
+know what a company would be good for, on a field-er battle, that couldn't
+turn an angle? He would jist like to know what they would do if they were
+following the enemy through a hilly country, if they couldn't turn an
+angle?--they'd all be butcher'd 'fore they could get round to the spot
+they'd started for. War was war--and the revolution ought to be did jist as
+if we were to-day fightin' for our liberties. He'd like to know what the
+Hos Guards would say if he should tell 'em that one of his sogers had
+fallen down turnin' an angle! He would throw up his commission afore he'd
+tell 'em any such thing."
+
+Beagle said he "stumbled." "Stumbled!" roared the Squire. "You
+stumbled!--who ever heard of the Hos Guards stumblin'! Stumbled? by the
+great Bonyparte--that ain't swearin', Mr. Turtle--you'd be hung by the
+neck, sir, if you stumbled on the field-er battle--it's a hangin' offence,
+sir--a hangin' offence, sir. We are under martial law, sir, to-day, sir,
+and if it was war time, sir, I'd order you to be stretch'd, sir, in five
+minutes, sir, from that 'ere tree, sir--I'd show you war, sir--real war,
+sir! bloody war, sir!"
+
+Turtle suggested that a lower stake had better be driven--or the outside
+angle of the fence would be still better, that _would_ stand--they could
+walk round a fence corner, he knew.
+
+Aunt Sonora "hop'd for massy-sakes they warn't a-goin' to come out of the
+field--they ought-er be fenced in--she thought it warn't safe!"
+
+Mrs. Longbow, who had great confidence in her husband, said, "she needn't
+be alarm'd any, the capt'n would take care on 'em."
+
+The Squire declared, "he wouldn't try any sich revolution over agin, but he
+thought they _could_ march in platoons;" and thereupon he cried, "Company,
+form in pla-_toons_!"
+
+Turtle said, "he wasn't any war character, and he didn't know what a
+_platoon_ was, but he know'd Injun file."
+
+"Well, Injun file, then," exclaimed the captain; and from Injun file,
+Longbow set them around into a hollow square, put the women in the centre,
+and he delivered to his troops the address of the day, with uncovered
+heads, and in the most affecting silence.
+
+The address was a very patriotic production. The Squire drew heavily from
+the great revolutionary war to find inspiring materials to stimulate his
+forces. He told them, among other things, that his own grandfather was
+"wounded in the hip a-fightin' for his country, and that he draw'd a
+pension arterwards as long as he lived. He hop'd they'd all get ready for
+the great muster that was a-goin' to come off in a few weeks; for the
+gin'ral would be there, then, and a good deal was expected of the
+Puddleford company on that occasion." The Squire had forgotten the
+unfortunate blunders of the day, in his enthusiasm, or, at any rate, he did
+not allude to them, for he said, "he was proud of the soldier-like bearin'
+of his men, and the great respect they all seem'd to have for their
+capt'n--that their arms were not 'zactly accordin' to la'."
+
+"'Cording to the Lord," whispered Aunt Sonora, horrified, very
+audibly--"Hear that."
+
+"'Cording to _la'_," repeated the Squire, who overheard her, "not 'zactly
+'cordin' to la', but it is a constructive compliance with the statert, and
+will pass muster on the first turn-out;" and, thankin' them all for their
+attendance, he adjourned the company _siney die_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI.
+
+     Mrs. Bird gets in a Rage.--Starve a Child.--Mrs. Bird blows
+     off at Mrs. Beagle.--Takes Breath.--Blows off again.--Mrs.
+     Beagle gives a Piece of her Mind.--Aunt Sonora drops
+     in.--She has no Faith in Second Wives.--All adjourn to the
+     House of Mrs. Swipes.--General Fight of Tongues.--Mrs.
+     Swipes gives her Opinion.--A Dead Set by all upon Mrs.
+     Longbow.--Mrs. Longbow raps at the Door.--The Scene
+     changes.--Final Wind-up.
+
+
+Aunt Graves had not got warm in her seat as mistress of Squire Longbow's
+household, when she found half of the female portion of Puddleford upon her
+in full cry. The Swipeses, and the Beagles, and Birds, who were very
+jealous of the sudden elevation of the old spinster, gave her no peace
+night nor day. They had seen the time when she looked up to them, and now
+she was the wife of a Squire--had taken good old Mrs. Longbow's place, and
+"really," as they said, "tried to lord it over them."
+
+Mrs. Bird went all the way in the rain, mud over shoe, to inform Mrs.
+Beagle "that she warn't a-goin' to stand it any longer; _she_'d seen
+enough, and if other people were a-mind to blind their eyes, they
+might--she guessed she know'd what was what--she warn't brought into the
+world for nothin'--they might humbug her if they could--she only wished old
+Mrs. Longbow could jist rise from her grave--jist _once_--that's all she
+would ask--she'd make a scatterin' among the dry bones--jist to think--to
+think--"
+
+"What!" exclaimed Mrs. Beagle, who stood waiting for the climax, with her
+mouth wide open, holding her dish-cloth in her hand.
+
+"What?--what"--repeated Mrs. Bird, "you may well say what--that Longbow
+woman abuses little Elvira Julia Longbow like sixty--the _dar_ling
+creature--how my heart bleeds. That child," continued Mrs. Bird, putting
+down each word in a measured way by striking her fist on the table--"that
+child--that dear--Elvira Julia--the idol--you know of her mother--and what
+a mother she had, too, Mrs. Beagle--O, _what_ a mother! That child is
+starved! She don't get half enough to eat--I know it just as well as if the
+child had told me so with her own lips. She looks puny-like. She didn't
+hold up her head in church all sarvice time, last Sunday--how my heart
+ached for her--I couldn't think of nothin' else--and to think--to _think_,
+Mrs. Beagle, that that woman who warn't nobody, and who'd come onto the
+town if she hadn't fooled the old Squire, is now goin' to turn round and
+starve his children. One thing I _do_ know, I shall never knuckle to
+her--not while my name is Bird--I'll let her know who Mrs. Bird is. She'll
+find out that the Birds can hoe their own row--the Birds allers _have_
+liv'd, and will live, I guess, and they never were beholdin' to the
+Longbows, nuther. Starve a child!--and if she thinks I ever mean to know
+her as anybody but old Poll Graves, she is most grandly mistaken. I'll jist
+tell her who old Graves, her father, was, and what he was, and how he used
+to drink, the old brute. She knows it all--but she thinks Mrs. Bird forgets
+such things--but Mrs. Bird don't forget such things--she has a long
+memory--and her mother warn't none _too_ good, nuther--I could touch her up
+a little on that. Starve a child! Lord-a-massey, I s'pose she thinks she is
+the queen of Puddleford, now, and can do as she has a mind-ter. If she
+don't run agin a snag some day, then call Sally Bird a liar, that's all.
+Pride must have its fall, Mrs. Beagle;" and here Mrs. Bird took the first
+long breath, after entering the house.
+
+"How--you--do--talk!" ejaculated Mrs. Beagle, her eyes half started from
+her head. "I'd thought just as much, but dare not say so."
+
+"Darsen't! darsen't!" popped Mrs. Bird, "Well, thank the Lord, _I_ dare;
+I'll pull down the whole Longbow nest around her ears; I'll complain to the
+town officers; I'll have her taken up, and then let her show her hand; to
+think that the child of that dear, good woman we lov'd so much, should be
+starved! And that ain't all: old Longbow is one of the most miserablest men
+livin'; he don't have a minute's peace day _nor_ night; he rolls and
+tumbles, and talks to himself--thinks, in his dreams, that his former wife
+is back agin, and he talks to her jest as if she was; he hain't had a full
+meal for a mouth. She is the _stin_giest of all mortals! She liv'd on
+nothin' afore she was married--why she counts the very coffee kernels she
+uses--she allers was afraid of goin' to the poor-house--pity she hadn't-er
+gone--but la-sa-me, you can't get one of the Longbows to say a word about
+it--they are as whist as mice--fairly caught--less said the better, you
+know--they are so everlastin' etarnal proud, the hull pack on 'em would die
+before they'd let anything out--but they can't deceive Mrs. Bird--murder
+will out--starve a child!" and here Mrs. Bird took another long breath.
+
+Mrs. Beagle looked still wilder, if possible, than before. But she was a
+very cautious woman, as has been seen. There was a method in _her_ malice.
+"She had thought for a long time," she said, "that affairs were all
+wrong-end-foremost at the Longbows. _She_ could see some things too. But
+she didn't want to say a word agin nobody. She had allers tried to be a
+_keer_ful woman--and she _was_ a keerful woman--and although she said it,
+who had not orter say it, she was a keerful woman. She tried to live in
+peace and Christian charity with everybody--and she would put up with
+enymost anything rather than to have hard feelings 'gin anybody. She had
+allers been a friend of Mrs. Longbow, and was really glad when she heard
+she had at last got married, for she _did_ think she would make a good
+wife--she had orter, for Squire Longbow had been the makin' on her, and had
+set her up in the world for _sum_thin'--but things warn't-er a-goin' right,
+that she know'd, and had know'd it for a long time; the old Squire looked
+as _cowed_-like as if he'd give all his old shoes to see his old wife back
+agin--he didn't look so chirck as he used to do--but then she didn't
+want-er say nothin' about it, for there was one thing she didn't do--she
+didn't talk about her neighbors--if there was any kind of people that she
+_did_ hate, it was the slanderers--she never slandered nobody--but she
+allers did know that Mrs. Longbow was tighter than bark to a tree--she used
+to jest keep soul and body together 'fore she married--a leetle _too_ tight
+to be honest--there wern't no slander in that--she hadn't said she _was_
+dishonest, nor she warn't a-goin' to say it--she would skin a copper the
+closest of anybody she ever see'd; such people _can't be_ honest--they will
+cheat in the dark--not that she meant to say that Mrs. Longbow _would_
+cheat--she slandered nobody--but the child _did_ look _half_-starved, and
+anybody could see it with one eye, and you can't learn old dogs new
+tricks--what's bred in the bone stays there--and the old Squire's darter,
+Livinny, looks like death, too--she's lost a _mother_, and it'll be a long
+time before that woman will fill _her_ place--this is between you and me,
+Mrs. Bird--'twarn't no longer than t'other day that Mrs. Swipes told me
+that old Longbow wanted to marry Mary Jane Arabella, but Mrs. Swipes said
+she jest put her foot down and said No! and he's been _cross_-grained at
+her ever since. Well--well--so it goes."
+
+Aunt Sonora dropped in "to take a breath," as she said. Mrs. Bird and Mrs.
+Beagle had to repeat to her the new developments in the Longbow family,
+with some new additions.
+
+Aunt Sonora said she never did have any faith in second wives. "Depend
+upon't," said the old lady, "no good comes out on 'em. And the old maids
+were the _very_ worst on 'em all. They were the awfullest dead-settest
+people she ever know'd. They _will_ have their way. They allers rule the
+roost. She guessed that her old man knew when he was well off. He hated
+second marriages like pizen."
+
+Finally, the women, after exhausting themselves, all agreed to adjourn to
+the house of Mrs. Swipes, to see what could be done to improve the domestic
+arrangements of the Longbow family. Mrs. Bird said at first she wouldn't
+move an inch, to see Mrs. Swipes or anybody else, for it wasn't no
+business of her'n, but then she know'd that, if it was _her_ child, and
+_she_ was dead, and Mrs. Longbow wasn't dead, Mrs. Longbow would do just as
+she did.
+
+Mrs. Swipes was delighted to see such a crowd of her friends, but declared
+"she couldn't for the life of her tell what was up."
+
+By the time the "ladies" had arrived at the house of Mrs. Swipes, they were
+very highly charged with electricity. They had lashed themselves into a
+very respectable sort of fury. Even Aunt Sonora, amiable as she was,
+muttered to herself, while crossing the road--"Starve a child!"
+
+Nobody ever told Mrs. Swipes any news--that was not possible--she had
+always heard of it, seen it, or expected it; the most astounding
+development was no more than she had "allers known would come about." There
+was no story so large that it was unexpected, or beyond her power to add a
+little to it--no black so black, that she couldn't make it a little
+blacker--no slander so public, but that she had heard a little more than
+her neighbors of it. A piece of scandal melted like sugar in her mouth, and
+it seemed to send a glow over her whole being while she digested it; it
+braced her up for a whole day, and carried her through the most fiery
+domestic trials--no story, therefore, ever lost strength or sting while in
+her keeping--it gathered weight and power like a snowball--she paid it out
+with interest. Her husband, Zeb Swipes, she didn't like, for he did not
+care a pin about his neighbors, "'specially the women folks," as he said;
+and Mrs. Swipes declared she never could interest him in the wickedness of
+the place. Many a time she had talked him to sleep, flaring, and foaming,
+and fretting about Puddleford.
+
+When Mrs. Bird, and Beagle, and Aunt Sonora entered Mrs. Swipes's room, the
+clap burst at once from the whole delegation.
+
+"Don't you think!" exclaimed Mrs. Bird.
+
+"Did you ever!" snapped Mrs. Beagle.
+
+"Pretty doin's these!" chimed in Aunt Sonora.
+
+"That _that_ thing!"--"that Longbow woman," continued Mrs. Bird.
+
+"Starve!" added Mrs. Beagle.
+
+"Yes, starve!" repeated Mrs. Bird.
+
+"A child!" groaned Aunt Sonora.
+
+"Yes, a child!" gasped Mrs. Bird.
+
+"And to think!" said Mrs. Beagle.
+
+"Yes, to think!" said Mrs. Bird.
+
+"_Only_ to think!" repeated Aunt Sonora.
+
+"That," continued Mrs. Beagle.
+
+"Yes, _that_," said Aunt Sonora.
+
+"What she was," said Mrs. Beagle.
+
+"Only--jest--to--think," screamed Mrs. Bird.
+
+"Nobody," continued Mrs. Beagle.
+
+"Nobody at _all_!" snapped Mrs. Bird.
+
+"But"--said Mrs. Beagle.
+
+"But what?" inquired Mrs. Bird.
+
+"_But--old--Poll--Graves!_" screamed the whole three together.
+
+"Hadn't the second gown to her back," added Mrs. Bird.
+
+"Foller'd sowing, too, for a livin'," hinted Mrs. Beagle.
+
+"And glad enough to get it, too," sputtered Mrs. Bird.
+
+"Couldn't-er worn Squire Longbow's old shoes, then," said Mrs. Beagle.
+
+"And now she puts on more ker-ink-tums than the governor's darter," spit
+out Mrs. Bird.
+
+"Starve a child!" exclaimed another.
+
+"Yes, starve a child!" chimed in all the rest, in a most furious tone of
+malicious spite that almost raised the roof. When the storm had spent
+itself on the head of Mrs. Swipes, who stood it with philosophy, for she
+liked it, all hands "set in" to tell her of the barbarous cruelty of Mrs.
+Longbow.
+
+Mrs. Swipes replied, "that nothin' more could have been expected on
+her--old Longbow might-er known she'd-er taken the very hide off on him,
+and off all on 'em--if _he_ didn't know what Poll Graves was, then it was
+_his_ fault; if he hadn't liv'd long-er enough in this community to find
+_her_ out, then the old fool ought-er suffer--good 'nough for him. He tried
+to get our Mary Jane Arabella, 'fore he went arter _her_--but I let him
+know that _I_ was the mother of that gal. He found that Mrs. Swipes had a
+word to say, and it took _me_ to send the old codger adrift--it jest did.
+It's 'nough to make one's blood run cold to see the highty-tighty airs that
+woman puts on. Last Sunday she had on all of old Mrs. dead and gone
+Longbow's finery-finery--that _bun_nit, the very same that she bought at
+Whistle and Sharp's store--price, twenty shillings and sixpence--bought it
+not mor'n two weeks afore she died. That drab of her'n, you know; the dear
+good woman never worn it mor'n onct or twict, 'tended Deacon Pettibone's
+funeral with it, I remember--that very same _bun_nit, and she had it on;
+and she had on, at the same time, old Mrs. Longbow's gown, and shawl too;
+and she did _come_--_a_--sailing right inter church, jest as if she was
+lord of the manor! I thought old Mrs. Longbow had rose from her grave, and
+I shed tears on the spot. It made my blood run cold. Thinks I to myself,
+old critter, if Mrs. Longbow should jest come back agin, she'd make _you_
+scatter, she would--she'd tear them clothes off on you--she'd let you know
+where your place was; she'd learn _you_ to dress up inter _her_ clothes.
+You'd rue the day you ever tried that game with her. Starve a child? Why,
+of course she will; anybody that don't care nothin' 'bout dead folkses
+clothes don't care nothin' 'bout folkses children."
+
+At this point, the whole pack made another dead set at Mrs. Longbow, with
+the exception of Aunt Sonora, who sat rocking violently, and taking snuff.
+It is impossible to repeat the jargon that made up the hurly-burly that
+followed. All the troop were firing together, all kinds of shot, and
+epithets, and sentences were violently broken up into fragments by each
+other, and hurled in a mass at Mrs. Longbow's head with the hottest
+vengeance.
+
+It might have looked something like the following: "Nobody!" "Who cares!"
+"I'll let her!" "Just to think!" "Starve!" "Yes, starve!" "A child!" "That
+new bonnit!" "Twenty shillings!" "Sowed for a livin'!" "And sixpence!"
+"Yes, and sixpence!" "Right in church!" "Hardly cold in!" "The poor child!"
+"And gown, too!" "Her grave!" "Hardly cold in her grave!" "Marry!" "Was as
+poor!" "Marry my Mary!" "As poor as Job's!" "Marry my Mary Jane Arabella!"
+"Was as poor as Job's turkey!" "I can see!" "I only wish!" "I can see how
+it!" "I only wish old Mrs. Longbow could!" "Goes!" "Rise from her!"
+"Starve!" "Grave!" "I'll complain!" "I wonder!" "To the town!" "If she
+thinks!" "Starve!" "I'll knuckle!" "A child!" "To her!" "Poll!" "No!"
+"Old!" "Not as long as my--" "Poll!" "Name is--" "Graves!" "Bird!"
+
+There was a rap at the door, and the uproar ceased, and the vixens were
+magnetized as instantaneously and as completely as if they had all been
+stricken with palsy, and their tongues fastened to the roofs of their
+mouths.
+
+Mrs. Swipes put on a smile, and courtesied to the door, opened it, and
+there stood Mrs. Longbow!
+
+"Good after_noon_, Mrs. Longbow. Well, I do declare!" exclaimed Mrs.
+Swipes, putting on one of her blandest faces, "you have raaly got out at
+last. It warn't no longer than this very morning that Swipes and I were
+wondering what had become of you. Swipes said he know'd you must be sick,
+but I told Swipes you had so many cares--we women folks _have_ so many
+cares, Mrs. Longbow. And who do you think is here?--Mrs. Bird, and Mrs.
+Beagle, and Aunt Sonora--and we were jest a-talkin' 'bout you--and we all
+wonder'd how you did manage to get along so well in your family;" and after
+Mrs. Swipes had chatted and bowed Mrs. Longbow through the hall, Mrs.
+Longbow was introduced to the nest of hornets which had just been buzzing
+so unconsciously about her ears.
+
+"Why--Mrs. Longbow!" cracked Mrs. Bird's voice at the same time, jumping
+from her chair with a convulsive jerk, and grasping her hand, and
+imprinting a kiss upon her. "You have--done it--now--you have come out at
+last. Goin' to call at our house, I s'pose. Let me see--it's one,
+two--yes--three weeks since you've show'd your face, Mrs. Longbow--lookin'
+as bright as a spring mornin', I see."
+
+"All-er that," said Mrs. Beagle.
+
+"But then you have had so much to do," continued Mrs. Bird; "the Squire's
+house had got inter an awful muss while he was a wid'wer. Lavinny
+didn't--know--how--to--do--but the people say that it shines like a pink
+now--and how you _have_ spruc'd up the children--I didn't hardly know
+Elvira Julia last Sunday. I thought her mother had come back agin."
+
+"She looked _so_ happy!" exclaimed Mrs. Beagle.
+
+"And the old Squire begins to hold up _his_ head agin, like _some_body,"
+added Aunt Sonora.
+
+"Nothin' like a _woman_ in a house," chimed in Mrs. Swipes.
+
+"Nothin' like it," said Aunt Sonora.
+
+"Everything goes to loose ends where there ain't no woman," said Mrs. Bird.
+
+"Jest look at old Fluett's house," said Aunt Sonora; "'tis chaos come
+agin--woman gone--everything spilt from garret to cellar."
+
+"And jest so at Dobbins," added Mrs. Bird.
+
+"I do raaly b'lieve," said Mrs. Beagle, "that if Longbow had put off
+gettin' him a woman six months longer, he'd a brok't down."
+
+"Jest what the old man himself said," added Mrs. Bird.
+
+"And--then--to--think," drawled out Mrs. Swipes, "that he should have been
+so fort'nit."
+
+"Might-er tried a hundred times," said Mrs. Bird.
+
+"And got bit," said Mrs. Swipes.
+
+"Yes, and got bit," repeated Mrs. Bird. "There was a kind-er Providence in
+it. There _cer_tainly was."
+
+"Jest what Parson Bigelow said," added Aunt Sonora; "he said he could see
+the hand-er Providence inter it, jest as plain as he wanted to."
+
+"Strange world," said Mrs. Beagle.
+
+"Full-er sorrow," said Mrs. Bird.
+
+"Never know when it's comin'," added Aunt Sonora.
+
+"The only way's to be ready for't, and do our duty," said Mrs. Swipes.
+
+Thus the conversation ran on. Mrs. Longbow supposed herself looked upon as
+a martyr by the crowd of "friends" among whom she had unconsciously fallen,
+and felt almost crushed by the weight of sympathy which they had so
+gratuitously thrust upon her; and finishing her call, returned to her
+domestic labors with a lighter heart, and a satisfied conscience, while
+those she left behind her, on her departure, took the advantage of her
+absence to completely finish up the remainder of the woman's reputation.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII.
+
+     Appeal of Case Filkins _vs._ Beadle.--Turtle's Affidavit and
+     "P'ints."--Longbow's Return.--County Court.--Turtle opens
+     his Law "P'ints."--Bates replies.--A Fight.--Collateral
+     Ish-ers.--Squire Longbow present.--The Court sustains Squire
+     Longbow.--Turtle gets into a Passion.--Impanelling the
+     Jury.--Mr. Buzzlebaum leaves.--Mr. Tumbleton upsets
+     Ike.--Mr. Flummer is cut short bob off.--Ike opens to the
+     Jury.--The Trial.--Charge of the Court.--Jury retire.--Can't
+     agree.
+
+
+Among the causes that were found in the county court for trial was the
+appeal of Filkins against Beadle. Turtle had carried it up. He had informed
+the court and the jury, when he argued the cause below, that he would carry
+it up if he didn't get a verdict, and he was as good as his word. Turtle
+was a long-winded attorney, and what he lacked in brains he made up in
+bottom. He could worry out any opponent in Puddleford, and drive the man
+against whom he had no case into a settlement, or starve him out. Turtle
+often said that "a man's peace was worth something, and he who wouldn't buy
+his peace, orter sweat. La' was la', and if a man didn't want to pay for
+it, he ought to keep out of it." It was necessary, at the time we speak of,
+for any party who desired an appeal, to make out an affidavit, stating the
+errors below. Mr. Turtle was a host on an affidavit. He could raise and
+swear to more "p'ints" than any man in Puddleford.
+
+Turtle's affidavit was a curiosity. It covered _all_ the "p'ints," as he
+called them--"all the 'ish-ers' of law and all the '_ish_-ers' of fact."
+
+According to this document, he set up error in the judgment below:--
+
+1. "'Cause the justis' had counselled with the defendant, and had sworn to
+go for her anyhow.
+
+2. "'Cause the justis' allowed Sile Bates, one of the jurymen, to leave the
+jury, and pettifog for Charity Beadle.
+
+3. "'Cause there wern't but five jurymen to try the cause, and there had
+orter been six.
+
+4. "'Cause counsel hadn't mor'n half got through arguing the case to the
+jury, when the justis' shut them off, and forcibly sent out the jury to
+deliberate on their verdict.
+
+5. "'Cause the justis' err'd in everything from the beginnin' to the end of
+the cause.
+
+6. "'Cause he 'low'd Charity Beadle's set-off, which was agin all kind-er
+law, and never heer'd on in the books.
+
+7. "'Cause the justis' drank liquor while he was tryin' the cause.
+
+8. "'Cause the justis' got inter a passion while he was tryin' the cause.
+
+9. "'Cause the jury got drunk while they were tryin' the cause.
+
+10. "'Cause liquor was sold clus by the court room all the time they were
+tryin' the cause.
+
+11. "'Cause one of the jurymen warn't fit to sarve--he bein' no voter--or
+if he was, he never had voted.
+
+12. "'Cause, as he understood, the jury flopp'd a copper to see who should
+win the cause.
+
+13. "And, finally, the verdict warn't no verdict, 'cause the jury didn't
+agree."
+
+Here were "p'ints" enough to overthrow the most righteous cause in the
+world. This affidavit was filed before Squire Longbow, within the time
+prescribed by statute, as appeared by the return of the magistrate to the
+county court, and the _return_ itself of Squire Longbow was also spread out
+as large as life on the files of the same.
+
+If there was anything that Squire Longbow _did_ pride himself upon, it was
+his returns to county court. He had often said, "that he would like to see
+the man who could pick a flaw in one of his papers." He said "that none of
+his decisions had ever been 'squashed' by the upper courts. He knew what
+la' was, and when a man _knew_ the law, he would allers be sustained."
+
+I do not know as it is worth while to give the full return of the Squire to
+the threatening array of legal objections found in Turtle's affidavit. He
+argued every one of them as if his very existence, both as a man and a
+magistrate, depended on the result. In substance, he returned to the first
+point,--
+
+"That of course he counselled some with both of the parties. He didn't want
+folks quarrellin' 'bout nothin'--a-spendin' their time and their money--and
+how could he know anything about the case, if the parties didn't tell him.
+He was a sworn officer, bound to do his duty, or throw up--if he should
+ish-er papers for everybody that axed him to, without lookin' into the
+case, he wouldn't do nothin' but try causes. _His_ time was worth sumthin',
+as well as other folkses. It was his business to see that every plaintiff
+had a case, and that every defendant had a defence. Turtle counsell'd with
+him first, and he tho't Turtle had a case--but he lied to him, or was
+greatly mistaken, at any rate--Miss Beadle counsell'd next, and he then saw
+it was all up with Turtle, but it was too late to stop proceedings, for the
+summons had gone out, and couldn't be stopp'd; if it could-er been, he'd
+stopp'd it."
+
+To the second point, the Squire returned,--
+
+"That he _did_ 'low Sile Bates to leave the jury, and 'pear as counsel for
+Charity Beadle--that _that_ was constitutional right--right-er counsel in
+all crim'nal cases, thank the Lord, was presarv'd yet--and the case was a
+crim'nal case, or a kind-er crim'nal case--'twarn't for debt, and must be
+crim'nal. _He_ couldn't choose counsel for anybody--thank the Lord that was
+a personal right--Charity Beadle had the right to choose her _own_
+counsel--it warn't none of his business who she took--how could any one
+take her counsel away from her by putting him outer a jury--that would
+destroy the constitution itself. If the court would jist look inter Story
+on the constitution, he'd see how that was; and if he ever did make a
+righteous decision, _that_ was a righteous decision. The woman sav'd her
+case by it--for if she hadn't _had any_ counsel, the greatest injustice
+would-er come on't--maybe the jury would-er 'greed--and _she_--nobody knows
+where she would-er been now."
+
+To the third point he returned,--
+
+"''Cause there wern't but five jurymen,' it is said. Well, there _warn't_.
+What of it? Five were jist as good in this case, as six; 'cause if five
+couldn't agree, how could six?'"
+
+To the fourth point, as follows,--
+
+"He did choke off counsel while they were argerin' the cause to the jury,
+and swore the officer and sent out the jury to deliberate. He'd do it agin,
+under like circumstances. They vi'lated the dignity of the court--there
+wern't no order nor nothin'--everything went on hurly-burly--there was more
+racket than if there was a town-meetin'. One thing there had got-ter be,
+and that was order in his court--he might-er sent them all to jail for
+contempt--but he wanted to be mild with 'em--he didn't allers think it best
+to go to the length of the la'--two counsel talkin' to the jury at onct was
+agin all la'--it was a great contempt of court--they'd orter been fin'd ten
+dollars apiece--but he didn't want-er fine 'em--he took a shorter
+course--he acted in his discretion--and he had a discretion in sich
+cases--any other court would-er done as he did, or worse, maybe. So long as
+he was magistrate, he meant to be magistrate--and his court was a
+court--and that thing people had got-ter find out, sooner or later."
+
+To the fifth point, as follows,--
+
+"He'd jist submit that to the higher court."
+
+To the sixth point, as follows,--
+
+"He did let in the set-off of Charity Beadle, and he did it, arter
+examinin' all the 'thorities on that p'int. He consulted Squire Brown, too,
+who did business down inter the State of New York, as justis', more'n ten
+years, and who had a great many jist sich cases afore him. The Squire said
+it was la' there, and had bin ever sin' he was a boy--and York la' was good
+la' anywhere. Story was dead for 'lowin' sich kind-er set-offs, and his
+works were all in favor on't--and it would be a likely p'int for anybody to
+set up that sich a set-off couldn't be allow'd. Filkins sues for so much
+money for so many slanders--now, then, he would jist like to know, if five
+slanders are worth ten dollars to _her_, if five slanders wouldn't be worth
+ten dollars to Charity Beadle--and if one ten dollars ain't jist as good as
+another ten dollars--he would like to know if one don't suffer jist as much
+as t'other--and if one hadn't orter be paid jist as much as t'other. If you
+go lyin' round 'bout me, you've got to pay, but if I go lyin' round 'bout
+you, I hain't got-ter pay--he'd like to know what justis' there was in all
+that--he didn't b'lieve Turtle thought so himself, but he was allers tryin'
+to bull-rag the court--and he warn't goin' to be bull-ragg'd by him nor
+nobody else."
+
+To the seventh point, as follows,--
+
+"He didn't know whether Mr. Turtle meant to be personal or not. He didn't
+know whether he meant to say, right out, that he was drunk, or not. If he
+did, he was a liar. He had no right to slander him onter the public records
+of the higher courts, in that sort-er way. What if he did drink? he had a
+right to drink--that was his business--when anybody can say that Squire
+Longbow is unfit for business from 'licker,' then there's time 'nough to
+blow out at him, and not afore--he shouldn't notice that p'int any furder."
+
+To the eighth point, as follows,--
+
+"'Got inter a passion?' He _did_ rise in his wrath onct or twict, to
+presarve the order of the court. He warn't goin' to sit and be trampled on.
+He was de-_tar_-min'd that justis' should take its course, if he had to
+fight to do it. He couldn't keep Turtle down any other way--he'd used up
+all the fines in the staterts agin him, and that wouldn't do--he tore on
+worse than ever--and he'd jist say here, it was high time the fines were
+increas'd. He informed the court that Turtle said, 'he hadn't but one eye,
+and that he couldn't see but a little ways--that he hadn't as many brains
+as an 'ister--that his head was full-er cobwebs or bumble-bees, he didn't
+know which--that his judgment warn't good on a common note-er-hand--that he
+warn't up to the school-marm, for she could read--and that he _did_ get
+inter a passion that the _court_ should have been so trampled upon--for he
+_would_ presarve the dignity of his court so long as _he_ was magistrate--a
+great deal depended upon _order_ in court--and when everything was a-goin'
+topsy-turvy, there warn't no justis'--he should allers, use jist as much
+force as was necessary to presarve order--and get into a passion, too, if
+he wanted to."
+
+To the ninth point, as follows,--
+
+"He didn't know whether the jury were drunk or not--that's _their_
+biz-ness, not his'n--they could answer for themselves on that p'int; and if
+Mr. Turtle wanted to know how that was, he'd better ax 'em; he warn't
+a-goin' to--he never took away any of the priv'leges of the jury--they were
+sacred things to him. When he tried cases, he did as _he_ was a mind-ter,
+and the jury did as _they_ were a mind-ter--if they wanted to drink, he
+wouldn't interfere--'twas out of his jurisdiction--he never did dabble with
+a jury, nor he never would--but he would say that the jury 'peared very
+well, listened to all the evidence as men should--stay'd out long 'nough to
+consider on the evidence and gin in a verdict, he verily believed, 'cordin'
+to their oath."
+
+To the tenth point, as follows,--
+
+"Licker might-er bin sold _clus_ to the court-room--but it warn't sold _in_
+the court-room--that he'd never 'low'd since he was a justice--every man
+who drank, went inter the _bar_-room, and thar was a strong _pe_-tition and
+a clus door atween the two rooms--he wouldn't-er 'low'd a drop in the
+court-room--he had allers bin very keerful 'bout that--they did drink onct
+or twict, but it was in the _bar_-room--the trial was very long and very
+troublesome--and the jury got dry--but they drank every time in the
+_bar_-room, and not in the court-room--and he was _keer_-ful every time
+they _did_ drink, to 'journ the court, to save all questions--and he would
+say that Turtle drank as often as anybody--and onct, certainly, he moved to
+'journ the court for to drink, and nothin' else--and now he goes up to the
+higher court, and makes a fuss 'bout it--the staterts said there should be
+no licker sold _in the room_ where the court is held--not _out_ of it, nor
+in the next room--and he'd allers bin a la'-'bidin' man, and allers meant
+to be."
+
+To the eleventh point, as follows,--
+
+"He didn't know whether the juryman was a voter or not--'twas _none of his_
+bizness--best known to himself--if he set, knowin' he warn't a juryman, he
+orter to be proceeded agin by the next grand jury."
+
+To the twelfth point as follows,--
+
+"How in airth did he know anything 'bout floppin' coppers--he warn't
+thar--he warn't a juryman--he was the court--they might-er flopped for all
+he knew--but he had seen Mr. Swipes, who was one of the men who set, and he
+says thar warn't a copper flopped."
+
+To the thirteenth point, as follows,--
+
+"There _was_ a verdict, and it was recorded on his docket--it was, 'that
+the jury couldn't agree, one of 'em standin' out 'cause he was a-feared or
+wanted to be pop'lar with somebody;' and that was jist as it was gin in."
+
+Squire Longbow had returned much more matter to the court than he was
+required to do by his affidavit, which has not been stated--mere
+speculations of his own about the law and facts of the case as they
+appeared before him, all of which he said the court "orter know."
+
+The judge of the county court was an enlarged edition of Longbow
+himself--enlarged, because his jurisdiction was greater. He was one of the
+foremost men of the county, because he was one of the most independent. He
+owned a great deal of land, and a great deal of stock--bought and sold
+much--and had acquired a practical knowledge of the way things were done in
+a new country. He had been school inspector, highway commissioner,
+supervisor, and member of the legislature, and he was now judge. He did not
+know any law, except what Bates, Turtle, and other kindred pettifoggers had
+taught him--and when he shot at a case, he shot in the dark. He was right
+half of the time upon the result of chances; and that, perhaps, was doing
+as well as half the judges do, who pretend to more knowledge in the
+profession. He was a stumpy, red-headed man, and very "percussion" in his
+decisions--gave very short or no reasons for them--and like Longbow, didn't
+know a technicality from a sign-post.
+
+The law points in the appeal were first to be argued--if Turtle failed on
+them, he was then entitled to a trial on the facts.
+
+Turtle argued his law points in a pile. He flung the whole return at the
+judge in gross, playing first upon this string, and then upon that,
+abusing everybody connected with the cause but his own witnesses and
+himself, until he blew himself almost entirely out of breath.
+
+He began by flattering the court. "It was sunthin'," he said, "to have a
+county court to 'peal up to--if 'twarn't for that, he'd stop
+business--Squire Longbow had got so that la' warn't la' any more with him.
+When he first came inter the settlement, he was a pretty good justis, but
+he was as woolly as a sheep now. If he got a crotchet inter his head, you
+couldn't beat it out--he was worse now than he was afore he got married the
+second time. The cause below was killed by him--he was 'torney, and justis,
+and jury--he had 'greed to go for defendant from the start--had knock'd the
+jury inter fits by takin' Sile Bates off on't agin la'--had let folks in to
+swear that hadn't lived in the State six months, and nobody know'd whether
+they were to be believed or not; but the presumption of la' was agin
+'em--that he cuss'd him for it, but that didn't do any good--that the
+Squire drank himself, and let the jury get drunk, shocking as the fact
+might be--and yet he warn't a drunken man--rather a sober man--but it was
+done by him to fuddle the jury, and spile his cause--that he let in the
+al_might_-i-est set-off he ever _did_ hear on--the very thought on't was
+'nough to give this court spasms--and this court orter for that, if for
+nothin' else, 'point a guar-_dine_ over him--that he told him when he did
+it, that he'd foller the case to the backside of sundown, and blow him
+inter flinders, but he didn't seem to care 'bout it--that the jury _did_
+flop on the verdict, and the justis' knew it, and his return warn't worth
+shucks on that p'int"--and so on for an hour or more, until he became
+exhausted.
+
+Sile Bates rose and said, "that, 'cordin' to the return of the justice,
+Turtle's speech was a _lie_!"
+
+Mr. Turtle hurled an inkstand and contents at Bates's head, which besmeared
+him from head to foot.
+
+Mr. Bates hurled another back at him, which emptied its contents upon Mr.
+Turtle.
+
+The court called them both to order, reminding them that things were going
+too far.
+
+Mr. Bates declared "it _was_ a lie!"
+
+Mr. Turtle said "he should boot him if the word was repeated."
+
+Mr. Bates repeated the word, and was booted through the court-house door.
+
+Difficulties being settled, counsel appeared in court very amiable, covered
+with ink, ready to proceed.
+
+Mr. Turtle attempted to 'pologize to the court--"he had no 'pology for
+Bates."
+
+The court remarked that "it wasn't necessary--the doctrine of set-off would
+apply."
+
+Mr. Bates said he had no speech to make--the court knew the justice who
+made the return--if it believed him, then Turtle might as well cave.
+
+During this uproar, Philista Filkins with _her_ friends, and Charity Beadle
+with _her_ friends, each troop ranged round their counsel, were looking
+upon this war of words with the most intense anxiety. Miss Filkins had
+attired herself for the occasion in a mussy crape dress, a pinched-up hat,
+and a black shawl, being, as she said, in affliction. She declared that
+Miss Beagle tried to "spile" her character, and she felt it, for that when
+that was gone, one might as well give up, and die. She carried a deep-set
+grievance in her face, a fixed anguish, which occasionally broke up into a
+snuffle. She was sustained, however, as has been seen, in her trials, by a
+few benevolent Puddleford ladies, who had most magnanimously followed her
+and her case, reckless of time and money, and who said, "they meant to see
+the end on't, cost what it might."
+
+Miss Beadle and _her_ friends were a very different-looking tempered body.
+They were charged to the brim with acid and red pepper. They looked and
+felt lightning, and any one could see at a glance that they meant to fight
+as long as there was a hair of their friend left. It was generally
+understood that they had agreed to "throw in around" and help Miss Charity
+out, and her case had now, of course, become their case, and Bates was as
+much their lawyer as Miss Beadle's lawyer--and Turtle, when he got
+"ramptious," was jest as "sassy" to them as he was to the court, or Miss
+Beadle, they said--"and if they were not greatly mistaken, he'd see the day
+that he'd repent on't."
+
+The women who composed these two hostile factions got into several
+side-fights between themselves, what Ike called "collateral ish-ers"--and
+twitted each other of a dozen or more dead and buried slanders, which had
+for a long time been forgotten. Mrs. Bird gave Aunt Sonora a regular
+"runnin' over," as she call'd it--"a piece of her mind, that would last her
+as long as she liv'd." She told Aunt Sonora, who was one of Miss Filkins's
+body-guard, that "she was a _pretty_ old woman to come up _thar_ and try to
+screen that Filkins _critter_--_she'd better_ stick up for _her_--she was a
+_nice_ old woman--a _handsum_ old woman--a _beau_-tiful old woman--she'd
+better be home a-takin' care on her children--she'd better be a mendin' her
+husband's old breeches--it would look a great deal better. What if Filkins
+had lied as much about her, or her old man, she'd ask her that. Guess'd
+she'd make the fur fly some--guess'd she wouldn't-er stood it no longer
+than other folks--guess'd she couldn't get along without a character
+better'n other people--guess'd she hadn't got any too much to brag on,
+anyhow, if reports were true--s'pose she should rake up all she'd heer'd
+about _her_, and go tellin' it round arter everybody, where would _she_ be.
+Bah! how I hate sich folks," she continued, putting on one of her most
+contemptible faces, and spitting like a mad cat, at Aunt Sonora.
+
+Aunt Sonora was a philosopher on such occasions. She knew the storm would
+soon blow over, and that Mrs. Bird would be "round," to take tea with her,
+in less than a week--so she took a quiet pinch of snuff, and told Mrs. Bird
+in reply, that "she'd call onto the court, if she cut any more of her
+antics round her--she ought-er recollect she was in the high court, and
+they didn't 'low any flabbergastin' in sich places; she'd be in jail
+quicker'n scart first thing she know'd, and her hull pack with her, if they
+didn't keep mighty mum. She wasn't in Puddleford now, _she'd_ find, if she
+let her mouth spit bile at that rate."
+
+Mrs. Bird sobered down.
+
+Squire Longbow was also present, to see the end of this famous suit. The
+Squire usually followed his cases into the county court, "to look arter
+'em," as he said, "and to explain things." He was dressed in his best suit
+of homespun, and also had on his most dignified air. He did not even wince
+during the scathing Turtle gave him and his return, feeling perfectly sure
+that he couldn't be hurt by any country 'torney in the upper courts. He
+"ray-ther thought he was known thar." The county judge, in a very summary
+and careless manner, decided, "the p'ints Mr. Turtle had raised warn't
+good; they were all agin the return of the justis'; and he must pay respect
+to the lower courts."
+
+(Here Squire Longbow drew his pocket handkerchief and blew his nose like a
+trumpet, to call the attention of the by-standers to the decision.)
+
+He would repeat--this for the benefit of the Squire, evidently--"they were
+all agin the return of the justis', who was an old magistrate, and had did
+a great deal of business."
+
+(Here the Squire bowed his head, by way of assent, to the court.)
+
+"The court orter say, further, that Mr. Turtle's affidavit was _sworn_ to,
+and how he could have sworn to such an affidavit, right agin the return of
+the justis', was mor'n he know'd; perhaps Mr. Turtle know'd _himself_, and
+could inform the court."
+
+Mr. Turtle said that was _his_ business. Mr. Turtle spoke very short, for
+he was greatly nettled.
+
+The court said, "it didn't make any difference--it warn't neither here nor
+thar--the p'ints were all squashed, and that was his decision; costs to go
+agin Turtle."
+
+"Agin Turtle," exclaimed Ike, rising, "costs agin Turtle!"
+
+"Agin Turtle's _client_," said the court, correcting himself.
+
+"That sounds a leetle more like a court of justis'," added Ike; "but it was
+a bull-head decision, he would say that, if he rotted in jail for contempt,
+that is, if anybody could commit contempt agin such a bass-wood-headed
+court, as this had got-ter be!"
+
+A jury was now about to be impanelled to try the case between Filkins and
+Beadle a second time, and this was no small matter. The whole county had
+heard of this remarkable suit, and had talked about it, and each person had
+allied himself or herself to the parties. A very small matter will throw a
+new country into a tempest of excitement, as a very few matters of
+importance exist to get excited about. When the panel was filled, and the
+clerk had announced that fact to the court, Ike saw, or thought he saw,
+some of the most violent Beadle men in the county among the number. He had
+only two peremptory challenges, and if he could not remove some of them for
+"_cause_," as the books say, "he was gone up," as he thought to himself.
+
+Mr. Buzzlebaum, a hickory-headed farmer, with short hair, which stuck up
+all over his head like a porcupine's quills, was a very dangerous man. Ike
+knew he was a bachelor, and he had been strongly suspected of "paying some
+attention" to Miss Beadle; so Ike put a few questions to Mr. Buzzlebaum.
+
+"Mr. Buzzle_baum_," exclaimed Ike, "you a juryman in this case?"
+
+Mr. Buzzlebaum said he was.
+
+"Y--e--s," drawled Ike, "so I see," as if he had got on the panel
+fraudulently some way.
+
+"Know Miss Beadle?"
+
+"Yes!"
+
+"You do know the 'oman then?"
+
+"Yes!"
+
+"Sot up at her house any?"
+
+"Sot up!"
+
+"Yes, sot up; don't you know what that is by this time, at your time-er
+life, Mr. Buzzlebaum?"
+
+"Well, what of it?" asked Mr. Buzzlebaum.
+
+"What--of--it! Je-ru-sa-lem!" exclaimed Ike, slapping a book on the table,
+and looking fury at the court. "The man says 'what of it?'--sittin' up with
+the defendant _nights_ a-courtin' her, and then wants to know what of it?
+Wouldn't he be a pretty man to try this case?"
+
+"Sot up _where_?" inquired Buzzlebaum.
+
+"How do _I_ know where! Ever talk of marryin' the 'oman, hey?"
+
+"_Wal!_" heaved Buzzlebaum.
+
+"No wals here; you're sworn now; out with it. Didn't you tell old Soper, if
+she warn't so old and rusty-like, you'd strike, hit or miss? What, sir?"
+
+"Wal!" groaned Buzzlebaum again.
+
+"Guilty as a dog; won't answer; is a-goin'-ter die game, right inter the
+face of the court," exclaimed Ike.
+
+Mr. Buzzlebaum began to scratch his head, and just got an idea of what "sot
+up" meant, and declared, "he'd never sot up with Miss Beadle, nor nobody
+else, but he warn't goin' to answer any more questions;" and asking another
+juryman for his hat, which stood among a huddle of hats outside the
+jury-box, "leaned" for the door, amid the cries of the court, clerk, Bates,
+&c., of "hold on," "don't go," "stop him," "bring him back, sheriff," &c.
+But Buzzlebaum didn't return.
+
+The next juryman who Ike thought was "_dang_-rous," was Mr. Tumbleton.
+
+"Mr. Tumbleton," exclaimed Ike, "form'd or 'spressed any 'pinion in this
+case?"
+
+"No, sir!"
+
+"Hain't form'd _nor_ 'spressed any?"
+
+"No, sir!"
+
+"Hain't said that you hop'd the old maid would come out hunk?"
+
+"No, sir!"
+
+"Hain't said that Turtle was a jackass for pushin' on this 'ere suit?"
+
+"No, sir!"
+
+"Hain't thought he was?"
+
+"Sir?"
+
+"Pretty clus questions," said Mr. Tumbleton, balancing on one leg, and
+looking thoughtfully up at the ceiling.
+
+"Now don't you think--and haven't you _said_, that Turtle was a jackass for
+pushin' on this suit?" inquired Ike, rising from his chair.
+
+"No, sir!--haven't said any such thing."
+
+"Don't you _think_ he is, is the question, Mr. Tumbleton?"
+
+"Think you are a jackass!" repeated the juror.
+
+"Yes, sir!"
+
+"Very likely I do."
+
+Mr. Turtle submitted to the court, if that "warn't 'nough to break him from
+sittin'."
+
+Mr. Bates said, "the man show'd his good sense--best juryman on the whole
+panel."
+
+The court thought the juryman was entitled to his own opinion; it was not
+pos-i-_tive_ proof that Turtle was a jackass 'cause the juryman might have
+thought so; shouldn't drive him out the box for that.
+
+"Ever been in state-prison?" continued Turtle, resuming the examination.
+
+"S--i--r!" ejaculated Mr. Tumbleton, moving towards Ike, with his arm
+raised.
+
+"_Or_, in the county jail," added Ike, almost in time, and cocking his eye
+saucily at Mr. Tumbleton.
+
+Mr. Tumbleton rushed upon Ike, and upset him, before Ike knew that he
+really was in danger.
+
+Mr. Turtle rose in a very unruffled manner for him, and asked the court,
+"if sich a contempt as that was to go unnoticed--a reg'lar admitted 'torney
+assaulted right inter the face of the court--he moved that Mr. Tumbleton be
+confined in the log jail for twenty-four hours--out of respect to his honor
+the court."
+
+The judge ordered Mr. Tumbleton to be confined, and thus the second juror
+was disposed of.
+
+"You live up on Poverty Common--don't you?" continued Ike, as if nothing
+had happened, addressing himself to a runt of a man, who looked as if he
+had been on short feed, and who had strayed on the jury no one knew how.
+
+"Yes, I _do_," answered the man.
+
+"_Your_ name is Flummer?"
+
+"_Flum_ what?" inquired the juror.
+
+"Flum-_mer_," answered Ike, tartly.
+
+"Well, whose business is that, if it is?"
+
+"Mine," said Ike. "Wasn't old Zeb Flummer your grandfather?"
+
+"Old Zeb? yes."
+
+"Didn't old Zeb Flummer marry old Sally Beadle?"
+
+"That's what they say."
+
+"And wasn't old Sally Beadle, Charity Beadle's grandmother?"
+
+"S'pose so," said Flummer.
+
+"Well, sir, you can just step out," said Turtle; "the statert cuts you
+short-bob-off; no blood relatives sit here." And the court seemed to
+assent, and Flummer left--nine jurymen remaining in the box.
+
+Bates "knocked off" three more for "causes," leaving six; and by this time
+the first day was about exhausted. Talesmen were picked up from the
+by-standers to supply the places of the "missing," and the court adjourned.
+
+On the next day, Ike opened the cause in his best style. He gave a
+biography of Philista Filkins, and dwelt upon her ups and downs in this
+mortal life. "He _did_ s'pose, that if there ever _was_ a woman that had
+grief, and _stood_ it, too, 'twas his client, and she was nothin' but a
+woman, nuther. She lik'd to gone off with the measles when she was a child,
+and had been puny-like ever since; her father was kill'd by an oak-tree
+'fore she could do anythin' for herself, down on the Catta-_ra_-gus,
+leaving a pile of young-uns, he didn't know how many. Her father warn't
+rich, but that warn't neither here nor thar; he was honest, and paid up his
+debts afore he died, to the last cent; he was a man that struggled a good
+deal for a livin', but he got it; allers kept a stiff upper lip, as tho'
+the skies were bright, and the sailin' good. Arter he died, they were a
+most distress_ed_ family. His client, 'bout the year--'bout the year--[Ike
+stopped and scratched his head]--'bout the year--[he had forgotten when,
+and turning, exclaimed to Aunt Sonora], When in _thun_der was it that Miss
+Filkins came inter the settlement?"
+
+"_Wal_, now, let me think," answered Aunt Sonora,--"Brumijim's youngest boy
+died--died--when _did_ he die?--but no matter--but when we bought our
+brindle cow--we got her of old lame Gosander, and I recollect jist as well
+as if it was yesterday, that when my boy Jim was drivin' off that 'ere cow
+from Gosander's--one warm spring mornin'--that he tell'd me, arter he got
+home, that he met some _strang_-ers on the road--and I axed him who they
+were? And Jim said--"
+
+"When--in thunder--_was_ it?" ejaculated Ike again, who hung suspended in
+the middle of his speech, while the old lady was fogging away over the
+history of the past.
+
+"I was jist a-goin' to tell you! You needn't get so fluster'd 'bout it,"
+answered Aunt Sonora--"where was I--O, yes! Jim said, when I axed him--that
+_he_ didn't know who they were--guess'd 'twas sumbody that was movin' in to
+settle--he tell'd me that the woman had on an old legun bunnit--and
+arterwards I found out that _that_ very woman was Philista Filkins. Now
+you've got it," concluded Aunt Sonora.
+
+As Ike was no wiser than he was before, and he could not wait to
+investigate the point any further, he proceeded: "At any rate, his client
+came inter Puddleford, and had been one of the fust 'mong 'em ever sin'. He
+warn't goin' to repeat what he said afore the court below, _now_, he would
+wait 'til he summ'd up. He warn't goin' to say nothin' 'bout the unspotted
+character of his client; he warn't goin' to say nothin' 'bout the defendant
+nuther. He warn't a-goin' to say how she would lie, nor how she went around
+a-backbitin' everybody she could get a dab at; there were twenty persons
+within the sound of his voice that know'd that--that know'd the woman like
+a book."
+
+"Yes, sir-_ee_!" exclaimed a voice from the crowd, being one of Filkins'
+supporters.
+
+"Silence!" roared the court.
+
+"You hear _that_, don't you, gentle_men_? They know her like a book."
+
+"No! he warn't goin' to say anythin' 'bout the defendant now. He _might_
+say enough 'bout her to blow her sky-high; perhaps she wouldn't _steal_, he
+didn't think she would, but folks who _do_ lie, will steal; but she hadn't
+stole nothin' _yet_, as he know'd on; he warn't goin' to _say_ so 'tany
+rate;" and thus Ike rambled on for more than an hour before the jury, in
+the opening of his cause, touching upon almost everything connected with
+the rise of Puddleford, and closed by saying, "That they only claimed ten
+dollars damages; but 'twern't the money they were arter; 'twas the great
+principle; his client scorned money as pay for _her_ character; she'd never
+touch a cent on't so long as her name was Filkins--and he might as well say
+that he, as her counsel, had 'vised her to give every jot on't to some
+relig_us_ institution, or to orphin children, and she'd _do_ it too--catch
+her takin' that money!"
+
+Bates occupied about as much time as Turtle did in opening for the defence;
+the law permitting both counsel to open together, if they chose to do so;
+and he finished his speech by reading Squire Longbow's return to the jury,
+which he said was more full than anything he could say.
+
+The trial went forward. But I shall not attempt to detail the vicissitudes
+which accompanied it for two days. Every question and every answer was
+objected to, and entered by the court formally on the record. The lie was
+given backward and forward a dozen times or more; the court had often been
+obliged to interfere through the sheriff--all the witnesses on the part of
+the plaintiff were impeached by the defendant's witnesses, who swore their
+reputation for truth and veracity was bad, and that they would not believe
+them under oath; all the witnesses on the part of the defendant were also
+impeached for the same reason. Of course the reputation of the witnesses
+had been utterly destroyed before the trial came on, and long before, by
+each backbiting the other; and when the trial closed, and the arguments
+were ended, the case, if it could have been painted, would have looked very
+much like a militia training, without beginning, middle, or end, form or
+substance, and the jury were about as wise as if they just awoke from a
+hard nightmare.
+
+The court charged the jury--and _such_ a charge was never "fired off" by
+any man outside of a new country.
+
+Some hundred "p'ints of la'" had been handed up by Turtle and Bates, which
+they said must be noticed--but Turtle's law and Bates's law were in
+conflict--but each one declared that _his_ law was _the_ law--and they
+were, they said, ready, if necessary, to swear to it before any tribunal.
+
+The judge went off with his charge upon the same principle that a man fires
+an old musket into a tree, where he supposes a bird is concealed. Some of
+the shot must hit, and the rest won't do any harm, anyhow.
+
+He told the jury that _he_ had got somethin' to say now--he was the judge
+of the court, and the jury must pay special attention to what he had to
+offer. 'Torneys were paid for their talk, and the jury could believe 'em
+jest so far as they were a mind-ter and no furder--the law come from
+him--if he made a mistake in the law, it was none of the jury's business,
+that would be straightened out somewhere else, by some_body_ else. He
+would proceed now. The action was trespass.
+
+"Not by a long shot!" said Turtle, rising.
+
+"Or," continued the judge, "a-kinder trespass--it was one woman a-tryin' to
+carry away another woman's character. Now, gentlemen, there has been a
+great deal of evidence in _this_ case, and it don't all 'mount to much
+nuther--"
+
+"'Cept to that part of the charge!" exclaimed Ike. "'Don't 'mount to much
+nuther."
+
+"That is," continued the judge, "there ain't much on't to the p'int--and
+when evidence ain't to the p'int, the court will knock it outer the case,
+if a row of 'ceptions is filed as long as the moral law. Now take the
+impeaching testimony--what does that all amount to?--why just
+this:--Filkins' witnesses don't believe Beadle's witnesses, and so they
+swear--Beadle's witnesses don't believe Filkins' witnesses, and so _they_
+swear--and so the witnesses on one side are just as good as the witnesses
+on t'other side, and you must believe them _all_, just as fur, gentlemen of
+the jury, as if none of 'em had been impeached; and the court tells you so.
+Any objection to _that_, Mr. Turtle?"
+
+Turtle said nothing.
+
+"No objection to that, then. Now, then, gentlemen, the defendant below set
+off slanderous words agin slanderous words she had used agin the plaintiff,
+and I let it in agin here, and Mr. Turtle objected. Gentlemen of the jury,
+Mr. Turtle _would_ object, of course--he is 'torney for plaintiff, but I
+tell you the set-off is _law_, and I agree with Squire Longbow, who let it
+in. It was right."
+
+Squire Longbow drew his handkerchief and blew a heavy blast out of his nose
+at this compliment.
+
+"Now, then, gentlemen, slander is slander--you all know what slander is--as
+I said before, it is slander--it ain't refusing to pay one's debts--it
+ain't 'zactly takin' one's property--though character is a kinder
+property--it ain't stealin'--but--but--it is slander--if you lie 'bout me,
+'tis slander--if I lie 'bout you, 'tis slander--if anybody lies 'bout
+anybody, 'tis slander--it don't matter _what_ anybody says 'bout anybody,
+if 'tis a lie, 'tis slander. You can now see, gentlemen of the jury, what
+slander is--how the law looks at slander--how it is laid down in the books.
+This action is for slander--and if I should examine all the books, and go
+inter the hull subject fully, you would not know any more 'bout slander,
+gentlemen, than you know 'bout slander now. Any objection to that, Mr.
+Turtle?"
+
+No objection was raised.
+
+"Now, then," continued the court, "you're to look the evidence all over,
+and if you b'lieve the plaintiff has slandered the defendant--I say, _if_
+you b'lieve it--the court has its own notions on _that_ subject too--but
+'tain't for the court to say--I say, _if_ you b'lieve, gentlemen, the
+plaintiff _has_ slander'd the defendant--if you b'lieve it upon your
+oaths--you're under oath, gentlemen--you should never forget you're under
+oath, gentlemen--very solemn duty, gentlemen, you've got-to perform--I say
+_if_--after looking all the testimony all over, you b'lieve it on your
+oaths--why, then, gentlemen, the court tells you, gentlemen, that you must
+render a verdict for the plaintiff, gentlemen, you must. But if,
+gentlemen--and here comes the p'int--the great p'int for you to consider,
+gentlemen, under oath--if you b'lieve the defendant has _not_ slandered the
+plaintiff, gentlemen--it's a hard charge, slander is, gentlemen--if you
+b'lieve the defendant has not slandered the plaintiff, why, then, render
+the verdict for the defendant. Mr. Clerk, swear an officer to take charge
+of this jury."
+
+The jury retired and deliberated one day and one night--but could not
+agree. They returned into court, and were again charged on some law points,
+about which they differed, they said--they retired again, and after
+quarrelling another half a day, came into court once more, and declared
+they differed this time about the evidence. The court set them right upon
+the particular disputed point of testimony, as _he_ understood it, when
+they appeared a third time, and the foreman announced that they could not
+agree any way, and they wouldn't go out again for the court, or anybody
+else--and thus forever was ended the famous trial between Filkins and
+Beadle.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII.
+
+     Amusements in Puddleford.--The Highland Fling.--A Fire-eater
+     comes next.--Runs a Sword down his Throat.--Starts his
+     Ribbon Factory.--Borrows Squire Longbow's Hat.--Boils Eggs
+     in it.--The Squire gets into a Passion.--The Grand Caravan
+     is posted.--Squire Longbow lectures on the Lion.--Bigelow
+     Van Slyek follows on the Ichneumon--The Caravan
+     arrives.--Great Excitement.--Jim Buzzard still
+     himself.--Aunt Sonora in Trouble.--The Band blows away.--The
+     Canvas is raised.--Terrible Press of Puddlefordians.--The
+     Keeper shows up the Lion.--Explains why he has no Hair.--The
+     Ichneumon is found at last--The Monkey Ride.--Breaking up.
+
+
+The amusements of a new country are on a scale with everything else. As
+every people are set to some scale, from the most refined and luxurious, to
+the most rustic and simple, that scale is always preserved in whatever may
+exist. Puddleford was not without its public amusements. It was not beyond
+the reach of strolling vagabonds, and impudent mountebanks. These troops,
+like light, penetrate every quarter of the globe, and, of course, visited
+Puddleford.
+
+One of the first exhibitions which wormed its way among the Puddlefordians
+was made up of a drunken Irishman and a vixen of a woman, a cracked fiddle
+and a greasy fife, all of whom and which performed the "Highland fling"
+with variations and other tunes as the man declared (there were no bills),
+in full costume. The Highlander was drunk, and the woman was out of
+temper; the fiddle was crazy, and the fife could scarcely squeak. The
+performance opened with the "Highland fling," was succeeded by the
+"Highland fling," continued by the "Highland fling," and closed by a grand
+display of the "Highland fling." This exhibition being the first that ever
+found its way into the settlement, everybody was delighted. Aunt Sonora
+said, "she didn't b'lieve there war any such Highlanders--nor any such
+flings nuther--but the music was very purty, say what they would."
+
+After the Irishman and woman departed, and their memory had nearly faded
+out, a "fire-eater" came on, and positively turned Puddleford nearly
+topsy-turvy. He was certainly a most ferocious character. He boiled eggs in
+a hat, hatched chickens, ate tow, and pulled out ribbons from his mouth;
+swallowed swords, point foremost, burned all the handkerchiefs in the room,
+and restored them to their owners again; and did divers more astonishing
+things, which completely upset the brains of the Puddlefordians, and they
+began to think, before he finished, that he was fresh from the infernal
+regions, and had been sent on by Satan himself.
+
+There had never been such a crowd collected at Puddleford for any purpose
+as assembled to see the wonderful performance of this fire-eater. Mrs.
+Bird, Mrs. Longbow, Mrs. Beagle, Mrs. Swipes, Aunt Sonora, and a few more
+of the female aristocracy of Puddleford, occupied the front seats, which
+were covered with green baize, as a mark of respect and distinction. The
+background was composed of a very miscellaneous sort of people--Jim Buzzard
+being in the extreme rear, perched upon a barrel.
+
+It was exceedingly fearful to hear the screams of the women, when the
+performer had a sword half down his throat.
+
+"What is the man a-goin'-ter to do?" exclaimed Mrs. Bird.
+
+"O, murder!--mur-_der_!" screamed Aunt Sonora, jumping from her seat.
+
+"O, twitch it out quick--he's _cho_-kin'!" gasped Mrs. Swipes.
+
+"See him!--see him!" exclaimed a dozen voices at once. "Stop him!" "Run!"
+"'Tis goin' right straight inter his throat." "He's dyin'! How his eyeballs
+glare!" "Squire Longbow!--Squire Longbow!--run--run--you're a peace
+officer--don't see him die!" "There! O, dear me--'tis gone down--it's outer
+sight--he's swaller'd it _now_." "He's got it inter him, mor'n three feet
+long." "How it must cut!" "There--there!" "I see it--he's pullin' it up
+agin." "I can jest see the tip end of the handle--but there ain't no blood
+on't." "How can he get it out?" "Well, if it ain't a comin' right out, I
+wouldn't say so, handle and all!" "O, dear me--whoever heer'd of a man
+swallerin' a sword afore!" "How his in'ards must feel!" And so on, keeping
+the house in a tempest of noise and alarm.
+
+When the performer, however, began to make ready to run his "ribbon
+factory," as he called it, the women recovered from their fright, and were
+in high glee, particularly during the preliminary remarks, and during the
+tow-stuffing exercises. He was, beyond all question, a very funny man, and
+said a host of very funny things. He threw himself into many strange
+shapes, twisted his face out of form--looked gay and looked solemn by
+turns, and kept the house in a continual burst of merriment.
+
+Mrs. Bird declared "she should die a _lafin_'."
+
+Aunt Sonora said "it _did_ seem as if her sides would split right open."
+
+Mrs. Swipes said "she know'd that it _did_ beat all--he was the oddest
+critter that ever com'd into the settlement."
+
+Ike Turtle said "he was _sum_, if not more."
+
+Bates declared "he must stay over another night."
+
+Squire Longbow said but little. He sat and shook his sides. "It was as good
+as anything he ever see'd down on-ter the Susquehannas. He was so glad the
+man had come so far jist to amuse 'em a little."
+
+But when the man began deliberately to light up the tow, and to set his
+mouth all in a blaze, the screams commenced again.
+
+"He will blow up--he will blow up!" said one.
+
+"He's all-on-a fire!" another.
+
+"How the sparks do fly out of his mouth!"
+
+"'Tis fire! 'Tis _raal_ fire!"
+
+"O--d-e-a-r!"
+
+"Take him some _wa_-ter!"
+
+"I say, _mister_--mister," exclaimed Mr. Longbow, who had become really
+frightened, and who could sit still no longer, when he saw the man
+positively burning up--"Did you really mean to set that _tow_ on fire?
+Don't it _burn_, mister? Don't you want some help? I say, sir, mis-_ter_!"
+
+The man answered by blowing a stream of sparks out of his mouth straight at
+the Squire, who started back in terror, and overset Mrs. Longbow, who
+uttered an unearthly scream.
+
+The fire flickered out at last, and order was restored.
+
+This was followed by the "ribbon factory," and the man pulled a pile of
+them out of his mouth, of all sizes and colors, and scattered them around
+his feet in the most reckless manner.
+
+"Don't tromp on 'em," said Aunt Sonora.
+
+"He ought to be _keer_ful on 'em," said another.
+
+"If Whistle & Sharp only sold sich ribbons," another.
+
+"And to think," continued Mrs. Bird, "they come right out on him, too."
+
+"He keeps 'em in his _butes_," roared Turtle.
+
+"They don't come out of his _butes_ at all," said Aunt Sonora; "they're all
+in his _mouth_."
+
+"He didn't put 'em _in_ his butes," said Mrs. Swipes; "how could they come
+out on 'em?"
+
+"Put 'em in 'fore he come," said Turtle.
+
+"I say, mister," inquired Squire Longbow, who wished to settle the disputed
+point for the benefit of all, "did you put them 'are ribbons inter yer
+butes 'fore you come?"
+
+The man cocked his eye, and kept pulling away.
+
+The Squire looked indignant.
+
+"Ask him if they are raal ribbons," said Aunt Sonora.
+
+"I say, mister," stammered the Squire, again rising, "are them 'are raal
+ribbons?"
+
+The man still pulled.
+
+"Won't answer no questions!" exclaimed the Squire, and he sat down. The
+ribbon factory at last ran out.
+
+The only other exercise of importance was cooking eggs in a hat. The
+performer had borrowed the Squire's hat in the most polite way possible,
+saying, "he would confer a great favor upon him for the loan of it for a
+few moments; it would so much aid him in his feats. It was just _the_ hat
+he wanted--it was sometimes difficult for him to find just _the_ hat--but
+the Squire's hat filled his eye to a dot."
+
+Now the Squire's hat was the most remarkable hat in all Puddleford. It was
+a broad-brimmed affair, "raal beaver," he said, which he'd worn mor'n
+twenty years. He bought it down on the "Susquehannas," and had watched it
+with sacred care ever since he had owned it. He wore it on Sunday, Fourth
+of July, on town-meeting days, and on all special occasions. He kept it the
+rest of the time in a closet in the "_cham_-ber," covered with a piece of
+"ile-cloth," which was about as ancient as the hat. There was one grease
+spot on it, and only one, and there was not a man, woman, or child in the
+settlement who did not know how it "come on," for the Squire had detailed
+the circumstances that led to the catastrophe, a hundred times.
+
+The hat was set upon the floor, and the performer brought out a basket of
+eggs, and bowing gracefully, holding one in his hand at the same time, said
+he would cook a dozen in that hat, pointing to the Squire's hat
+significantly.
+
+"S-i-r!" exclaimed the Squire.
+
+"Keep easy, sir!" said the man.
+
+"In--my--hat!"
+
+"Yes, sir! in your _hat_!"
+
+"In my _beaver_ hat?"
+
+"Yes, sir!"
+
+"Cook _eggs_?"
+
+"Yes, sir! _Cook_ 'em!"
+
+"That hat!"
+
+"Yes, sir! I say _that_ hat!"
+
+"Down in front!" exclaimed Turtle; "can't see."
+
+"That hat!" gasped the Squire again.
+
+"He's gummin' you," roared Turtle; "can't cook eggs in a hat. Down in
+front!"
+
+Squire Longbow was very much excited, and had turned very red in the face.
+He could not help but think what his first wife would say if she was
+there--what she would say if she saw that hat with eggs "a-bilin'" in
+it--but perhaps the showman was "a-tryin'" to scare him, as Turtle said--he
+would wait a little and watch him closely.
+
+"And now," said the performer, "examine this egg--it is a real egg--and now
+you see me break it--and now it is broke--and now," cracking it apart with
+his thumb nails, and looking down into the Squire's hat--"there _it goes_!"
+
+"Twenty-five dollars! twenty-five dollars for that!" ejaculated the Squire,
+filled with fury, and jumping towards the performer, with his fist doubled,
+and his teeth firm set. "You're a great scoundrel, sir--you _borrow'd_ that
+hat, sir--you borrowed it of me, sir--it is _my_ hat, sir, that you've got,
+sir--my name is Longbow, sir--_Squire_ Longbow, sir--that's my beaver hat,
+sir--twenty years old, sir--cost ten dollars, sir!"
+
+"And there goes another," continued the performer, amid the stamping and
+roars of the audience, popping another egg into the Squire's hat, in the
+coolest manner possible, disregarding the tempest around him.
+
+"I call upon Mr. Turtle to witness!" continued the Squire; "I'll ish-er a
+warrant for you, sir--I'll have you up, sir--before _me_, sir--you can't
+_pay_ me for that 'ere hat, sir--you'll be imprison'd--you'll go to jail,
+sir--you won't spile any more people's hats, sir--you won't bile eggs,
+arter this, sir--it's your last bilin', sir--"
+
+By this time the smoke was rising out of the Squire's hat and curling away
+towards the ceiling, and the smell of cooked eggs was waxing strong in the
+nostrils, and the hat, so they all said, was "gone for sartin."
+
+"La!" exclaimed Aunt Sonora, as she saw the fate of the hat, "what wicked
+critters these performers are; sit right down and burn up a hat--a-bilin'
+eggs in it!"
+
+The performer returned Squire Longbow's hat, after he had concluded his
+wonderful experiment of cooking eggs, but the old man looked upon it with
+suspicion. He turned it over and over, and smelled of it, but declared, at
+last, that it was his old beaver, and jest as good as new; whereupon he
+apologized for his getting into a passion, and gave as a reason, that it
+"was the first time he ever saw the trick done--but now he know'd the man
+was a gentleman, every inch on him."
+
+But the most remarkable exhibition that ever fell upon Puddleford occurred
+after this. A caravan of wild animals, about the autumnal days, took
+Puddleford in its way. It was called the _grand_ caravan. Quite a flaming
+poster preceded the animals themselves. The bill was indeed a very
+attractive-looking affair. There was a lion and a tiger painted on it, at a
+dead lock. The lion, it appeared, had opened the tiger's bowels, and the
+tiger had opened the lion's bowels--the lion had torn the tiger's head, and
+the tiger had torn the lion's head--these two furious beasts seemed to be
+about on an equal footing. An elephant was also portrayed in a very stately
+manner, carrying a house full of people on his back, who were armed to the
+teeth, for some unknown purpose, and who also supported a stern-looking
+gentleman, seated upon his tusks, who carried a long pole in his hand.
+Monkeys of all sizes were scattered around the picture. Some climbing
+trees, some chattering higher up in the branches, and some cutting curious
+antics, evidently for the gratuitous amusement of the public who might
+choose to look on. This bill was posted up at the Eagle, and it created a
+very great excitement throughout Puddleford and the adjacent country.
+Scores of people came in from "round about," to wonder over and digest this
+wonderful "picter." Aunt Sonora, Mrs. Swipes, Mrs. Bird, Mrs. Beagle, Mrs.
+Longbow, and their husbands, the "Colonel," Bigelow Van Slyck, Jim Buzzard,
+and scores of ragged children, pressed into the bar-room, day after day,
+and "Oh'd" and "Ah'd" over it. All kinds of comments were made by the
+multitude. The origin, history, habits, and ferocity of the animals were
+sagely discussed and settled. Squire Longbow, among the rest, told
+wonderful stories about the "roar" of the lion--how he "shak't the whole
+woods, when he got his wrath up, and made all the other animals run and
+hide themselves--he said they'd all have to stop their ears if that feller
+(pointing to the said lion on the show-bill) giv' 'em a blast--he heer'd
+one roar onct, down onter the Susquehannas, and he shouldn't forget it the
+longest day _he_ lived."
+
+Aunt Sonora inquired of Squire Longbow, "where lions came from, and how
+they got 'em here, and if they were _dang_-rous animals, and would bite
+people."
+
+The Squire drew a long a-hem! stretched out his legs, and looked very wise,
+for he thought if there was anything that he _did_ know about, it was about
+lions. He recollected just how that lion looked that he saw down on the
+Susquehannas. He knew, too, that there was no other person in Puddleford
+that could throw any light upon the subject of lions. So the Squire began
+in the most profound manner to answer Aunt Sonora. "The lion," said the
+Squire, "the great African lion--jist sich a lion as you see on that 'ere
+bill--inasmuch as you have axed me, I tell you, comes from the jungles of
+the torrid zone."
+
+Mr. Bates wanted to know what "a jungle was, while he was about his lion
+story?"
+
+"A jungle--a jungle," continued the Squire, coughing in his embarrassment;
+"a jungle--is--a--place--a kind-er cave, where the lions go, deep inter the
+airth, and where they can growl and roar, without disturbin' anybody."
+
+"Inter the _airth_?" exclaimed Turtle; "how do they catch 'em, then?"
+
+"How do they ketch 'em?--how do they ketch 'em?" exclaimed the Squire; "how
+do _I_ know?--how can _I_ tell?--_I've_ never been in Africa--I was only
+tellin' how the lions liv'd."
+
+Mrs. Bird asked the Squire what the lions ate?
+
+"Anything they can get," answered the Squire, very philosophically; "they
+ain't 'tall particular."
+
+"Don't eat grass, do they?"
+
+The Squire said he "shouldn't be s'prised if they did."
+
+"Do they eat up men and women?"
+
+"_Wal_," answered the Squire, "to tell you the plain truth, I s'pose they
+do."
+
+"O Lordy!" exclaimed Mrs. Bird. "Ugh! how he looks!"
+
+During all this time the young Puddlefordians, dirty and barefooted, who
+had crowded themselves into a corner in a distant part of the room, were
+filled with terror during the Squire's sage remarks, and fairly trembled
+for their safety.
+
+Jim Buzzard took occasion to say that "he s'posed the an-_er_-mals _would_
+bite, but he warn't goin' to be scart, if they had 'em fasten'd in
+cages--but if they were goin' ter run loose, he'd be gaul-blasted if they
+seed him round thar when they com'd--he'd jest let 'em know he warn't
+a-goin' to be eat up by their lions and elephuntses--he didn't care nothin'
+'bout their monkeys--he warn't 'fraid of them, nohow--but them 'are
+lions--what _teeth_ they have got--O! mighty!--guess'd they wouldn't ketch
+him round them grinders."
+
+The bill, among other startling announcements, declared that "the
+celebrated animal mentioned in Holy Writ, and now known as the Ichneumon,"
+would be exhibited--that it was the first time any company had ever
+succeeded in carrying him so far into the interior, as he was very partial
+to salt water, and suffered very much, and grew very faint and weak, when
+removed any distance away from it.
+
+The showman had been very careful not to furnish a picture of the
+Ichneumon, whose peculiarities had been so vividly portrayed in print, and
+the Puddlefordians were in great doubt about his real appearance. There
+were many curious speculations, and sage reflections indulged in by the
+more learned portion of the crowd, about his origin and history. It was
+very difficult, in the first place, to pronounce his name.
+
+Bigelow Van Slyck, who was a host at Puddleford in philology, attempted to
+give the most correct pronunciation of the word. It was "_Ich_, something,"
+he said--"probably the whole word was taken from Ich--and that was an
+animal that scratched himself--and yet he didn't believe this animal had
+any hair--and it was only hairy animals that _did_ scratch themselves--and
+the reason why he thought the animal hadn't any hair, was, that he must be
+a salt-water animal--for the bill said he was mentioned in Holy Writ--and
+also, that he couldn't live away from salt-water. He thought he knew
+_sun_-thin' 'bout Holy Writ--he _thought_ he did--and sunthin' 'bout
+animals, too--and if _he_ was to give his opinion, he should say the
+Ichneumon was the great Le-_vi_-a-_thern_, that went into the mighty deep!"
+(Here Bigelow raised upon his toes, and spread out his arms, as if to show
+the crowd how big the great Le-_vi_-a-_thern_ was.)
+
+Bigelow's oration produced a very solemn effect on the Puddlefordians. The
+idea that the great Leviathan, of Holy Writ, was really coming into their
+midst, was a most astounding thought to every man, woman, and child
+present.
+
+Mrs. Longbow, who was a member of Bigelow's church, as has been seen,
+wanted to know "in what part of Holy Writ that 'are Ich-what-do-ye-call-it
+was found?"
+
+Bigelow said it was somewhere--he couldn't 'zactly tell--it was either in
+the _Old_ or _New_ Testament, he was very--"_sar_tin."
+
+Mrs. Longbow said "she'd never see'd it."
+
+Bigelow said "he'd never seen him nuther."
+
+Mrs. Longbow explained--"she'd never seen the animal in the _Holy Writ_."
+
+Bigelow thought, "if she'd look, she'd find it."
+
+Mrs. Longbow said "she'd look now."
+
+Bigelow said "he hadn't time _now_, but he'd look it up by next Sunday, and
+preach on't."
+
+Turtle, who had been carefully watching Bigelow in his attempt to identify
+the Ichneumon, and who had great respect for his opinion in all matters
+connected with Holy Writ, thought he discovered a flaw in the argument. He
+would "jest like to know how they could carry around a salt-water animal on
+land?"
+
+Bigelow said "he warn't alive--he was stuff'd. It didn't say the celebrated
+_live_ animal called the Ichneumen."
+
+"But it did say," replied Turtle, "that it was the first time they had
+succeeded in carrying the animal so far in the interior."
+
+Bigelow was a little puzzled at this--but said, "he s'posed it was in great
+danger of being stolen--but at any rate, the Ichneumen was the great
+Levia_thern_, or some other--very--strange--animal,--_that_ he was sure
+of."
+
+Squire Longbow, who had listened in the most dignified manner to all that
+Bigelow had said, heaved a long sigh at his last remark, and declared that
+Bigelow had, in his opinion, "s'plained the whole thing--and 'twas clear
+'nough to him that the Ich-nu-men was the Viathen--'tany rate, he know'd
+the Viathen was the Ich-nu-men."
+
+The excitement was very great from the time the bill was posted until the
+grand caravan actually arrived. Very little else was talked about, or
+thought of in Puddleford, and the region round about. Every business, and
+every domestic and social arrangement had reference to the coming event.
+Squire Longbow had declared, two weeks before the day fixed for the
+performance, that no law business would be done in his office on show-day.
+Turtle had issued a similar proclamation. Important financial arrangements
+were everywhere matured to enable the Puddlefordians to "raise the wind,"
+so they might procure an entrance behind the canvas. The draft of ready
+money upon the people threatened to be very disastrous, for the admission
+was two shillings per head, children half price--cash down.
+
+The caravan was expected to arrive at about ten o'clock in the forenoon.
+But the mighty multitude, who had some distance to travel, packed and
+provisioned, and started on their way the day previous. Everybody was
+determined to be on the ground when the first blow was struck. The morning
+of the long-looked for period presented a spectacle more stirring and
+sublime than anything which had ever been before known. Every man, woman,
+and child was dressed in his or her best. Many had strained a point, and
+appeared in a style so rich that they were scarcely known by their best
+friends. And then, too, every person appeared to be so full of good humor
+and smiles, that it really seemed to be the only desire of all to make each
+other happy. Squire Longbow shone like a dollar. The old homespun coat and
+beaver hat wore a new brightness about them; and, what was very unusual for
+the Squire, he had procured a new hickory cane, and had cut "Longbow" upon
+it, which very much added to his dignity. Turtle had actually mounted a
+clean collar, which was one of the most remarkable occurrences of the
+season. Jim Buzzard, however, had not met with any change, outwardly or
+inwardly. He wore the same hat, coat, and boots that were found with him
+when he was first seen sunning himself on a dry-goods box, one morning, in
+the streets of Puddleford. The hat was a little more jammed up, and the
+boots gaped a little wider--but he was still the same Jim Buzzard, and they
+were still the same hat and boots. They bade fair to last as long as he
+did. His garments seemed to have grown _to_ him, and to have become a part
+_of_ him--to have formed a sort of attachment for him, and he really looked
+as if he had been born with these very clothes on.
+
+Jim sauntered around and said nothing. Sometimes he might be seen perched
+away off by himself upon a post, overlooking the crowd--sometimes stretched
+out on a box in the sun, snoring, and making ready for the coming occasion.
+He knew he would get in. He had no money, but he was a philosopher. He let
+matters take care of themselves, and as he had always been provided for, he
+felt perfectly satisfied that he always would be.
+
+Everybody inquired very particularly about everybody's family on that day;
+and why shouldn't everybody inquire about everybody's family, for it was
+the day of the great caravan, and everybody was of course overflowing with
+joy. Mrs. Longbow assured Aunt Sonora, that "she would sartinly call on her
+the very next afternoon;" and Aunt Sonora apologized for not having dropp'd
+in to take tea with Mrs. Longbow, long afore. Mrs. Bird went so far as to
+inquire of Mr. Longbow, "how his cousins," which she said she had heer'd
+on, were gettin' along down on the Susquehannas--the only time before or
+since that the old lady ever alluded to the Squire's cousins, down on the
+Susquehannas, or anywhere else.
+
+The grand caravan at last appeared in the distance, preceded by a cloud of
+dust, and heralded by distant strains of music. The shock was
+electrical--the rush was immense. The boys ran, and turned somersets--the
+men ran after the boys, and the women ran after the men. Jim Buzzard,
+disturbed by the "noise and confusion," actually rolled off a box, where he
+was dozing; crawled to his feet, and rubbed his eyes open with his fist.
+The jam was really terrific--women lost portions of their dresses, men's
+hats flew off, and somehow, in the hurly-burly and jam, Squire Longbow
+missed his beaver hat, cane, and eye-shade. The Squire was in great mental
+excitement, as well as in bodily danger. He panted for breath, and plodded
+on the best way he could. Even a man of his distinction was not regarded on
+that day. Among other trials and reverses, he found himself separated from
+Mrs. Longbow, who, for anything he knew, was "trampled to death,"
+somewhere; and with one eye on the grand caravan, and the other (the blind
+one) looking after his second wife, he hurried along, muttering to himself
+like some mad animal. He was dashed on to Mr. Turtle in his progress, and
+nearly upset that respectable legal gentleman. Mr. Turtle rose, filled with
+wrath, and with drawn fist, and just saw his mistake in time before the
+blow descended. "O, it's _you_, Squire!" said Mr. Turtle. Squire Longbow
+asked Mr. Turtle where his wife was? Mr. Turtle, very much excited, said
+something which the Squire did not understand, and pointed nowhere in
+particular, and then bounded on after the grand caravan. The Squire, after
+twisting and turning, and panting and blowing, and after having overturned
+three or four innocent women, who happened to be in his way, found himself
+at last out of the rush, in the corner of a rail fence, blowing his flushed
+face with his best cotton handkerchief. When he came to himself, he began
+to think. He recollected that he was a magistrate yet, and if anybody
+_should_ steal his hat, cane, or his eye-shade, he muttered, "he'd bring
+'em afore him by daylight next morning, he would--he'd have some kinder la'
+in town, if _'twas_ caravan day."
+
+The fate of Aunt Sonora was about as melancholy as that of the Squire. She
+was somehow drawn into the tide, and as the good old lady could not move
+fast, the current that passed her on each side rolled her round and round,
+as she stood, first one way and then the other, until she became completely
+peeled of her outer clothes. Cries were jerked out of her in a spasmodic
+way, as she could catch her breath. "Massy--massy! O, massy--me!
+I'm--k-i-l-l-'d!" and many more heart-rending exclamations she uttered; but
+it was the great caravan that was coming, and she was neither heard nor
+heeded. When she escaped, she looked as if she had been plucked of all her
+feathers; she, however, quietly slid into the house of Mrs. Longbow, which
+was near by, for repairs. When she found herself able to speak, she
+declared, "if _that_ was the _way_ the caravan was a-goin' to use folks,
+she hop'd _lite_-ning would strike 'em 'fore they got out-er the
+settlement--they'd sp'ilt her shillin' caliker dress, and she wouldn't gin
+it for all the monkeys the confounded consarn had."
+
+But the caravan moved on regardless of accidents, and the music grew
+stronger and stronger, as it approached nearer and nearer; and as the
+breeze cast aside the dust, men, and horses, and wagons were seen moving
+forward, solemnly preceded by an elephant, which carried a stately looking
+gentleman upon his tusks, according to the representation on the bill. As
+the procession approached the village, its extent and magnificence began to
+dwindle. Alas! three wagons and one sickly-looking elephant comprised the
+whole affair. The people were evidently very much disappointed. The bill
+was a very large bill, and they did not see how it was possible for the few
+vehicles that came into town, to hold all the live stock which had been
+promised.
+
+Squire Longbow still stood in the corner of the rail fence, looking out for
+the lion, for he had pledged his reputation to the Puddlefordians that the
+lion should be all that he had promised. He didn't know whether he would
+come on foot or not, housed or open; but the Squire saw no lion, nor any
+place for one.
+
+Bigelow was busy sharply scenting out the "_Ich_-nu-men, celebrated in Holy
+Writ," as the bill declared. He felt it to be his duty to take a kind of
+guardianship over the Ich-nu-men, while he might favor Puddleford with his
+presence, because he _was_ associated with Holy Writ; but Bigelow could not
+find him anywhere, living or dead, kicking or stuffed. He was much
+disappointed, but took courage from the hope that he was shut up from
+vulgar gaze in one of the strong cages.
+
+The musicians still blowed their blast, as the cavalcade wound its way
+through the principal streets. The bill declared that the band was the
+celebrated "Boston Band," led by Monsieur Huzzleguget, and, according to
+_that_, it was composed of some twenty-four performers, drawn by six fiery
+steeds, attached to a Grecian chariot, driven by one elegant-looking
+gentleman, heavily whiskered, who must have been some six feet high; but,
+alas! the band itself that led on the animals through the streets of
+Puddleford consisted of only four seedy-looking performers, who carried
+three rusty copper horns and a bass drum, which was beat by a
+melancholy-looking boy. The three horn-men had blown their faces as round
+as pumpkins, and as red, too; or something besides wind, perhaps, had blown
+the color into their faces, for they occasionally took something to drink,
+during the heat of the exercises, from a bottle which they kept under the
+seat of the chariot.
+
+The chariot was a large high-boarded wagon, and painted red, and was drawn
+by a couple of jaded "tugs," who showed plainly enough that their days were
+fast drawing to a close. But the music still blowed, and the procession
+moved on, and the Puddlefordians were as much delighted as if the
+proclamation had been fully realized.
+
+Up went the canvas, and the show prepared to open. The hurry to enter was
+most marvellous--such a crowd Puddleford never saw before. Even Squire
+Longbow could not wait until the doors were actually opened. He was
+bewitched to see the great African lion. The Squire, as a peace-officer,
+ordered the crowd to keep back, in reality for the purpose of giving him
+and Mrs. Longbow a better chance; but the Squire's commands were entirely
+disregarded; he had sunk down to the level of a mere citizen; he was
+stripped of all his power; it was the great caravan day, and who cared for
+a justice of the peace on such an occasion?
+
+Aunt Sonora having repaired the disasters of the forenoon, had determined
+to see the fun out. She had put on her "'t'other frock," and looked as
+well as she did before she had been peeled through the morning multitude.
+The doors were opened at last, and the "rush" entered, and in a few moments
+the canvas was alive with human beings. The grand caravan now on exhibition
+was originally the fag-end of a large concern, which had been bought up by
+sharpers to swindle the people. I say, originally, because this fag-end had
+been divided up into three smaller fag-ends which were out in different
+parts of the new country scouring around for money. The Puddleford fag-end
+had a runt of a lion, who was very evidently on his last legs; for he had
+been travelled until his hair was worn entirely off, and his spirits
+exhausted. It was very clear that he was showing himself for about the last
+time. The elephant was diseased, and the tiger was about four times the
+size of a cat. There were three dirty-looking monkeys in a cage eating
+crackers and hickory nuts, and chatting and throwing shucks through the
+bars at the gaping crowd--an ichneumon--a black bear, the only hearty
+fellow in the concern--and a mussy-looking ostrich, who had lost his
+tail-feathers in his peregrinations through the globe. This was _the_
+caravan.
+
+Aunt Sonora entered, trembling.--"Dear me! dear me! dear me!" she uttered
+to herself as she went in; "and so this is really the great caravan; if the
+animals should get loose--and there--O, there--is that the lion!" she
+exclaimed involuntarily to those around her, starting back, as she saw the
+bars of a cage in the distance,--"are them bars iron?" she exclaimed,
+looking frightened.
+
+"Walk up! walk up!" exclaimed the keeper, as he saw several persons
+standing back; "the lion is one of the most docile animals we have, ladies
+and gentlemen; he never bites, ladies and gentlemen; got him in a strong
+cage; walk up, ladies and gentlemen, and see the _li_-on, the monarch of
+the forest, as he is called."
+
+"How his eyeballs glare!" exclaimed Aunt Sonora, disregarding the peaceful
+proclamation of the keeper, as the great African lion looked up lazily, and
+brushed a fly from his nose with his fore-paw.
+
+"This African lion, ladies and gentlemen," continued the keeper, "is
+fourteen years old; was caught in the great jungles of Ethiopia, by
+throwing a _large_ rope around _his_ neck when he was _a_-sleeping, ladies
+and gentlemen; he floundered a good deal, ladies and gentlemen, but he was
+caught and brought away to the shores of Ameri-_ca_, where he has been ever
+since. Nobody need be afear'd, for he never breaks out of his cage, and
+always minds his keeper. Walk up _clo_-ser and look at the animal, ladies
+and gentlemen." Here the keeper struck the iron bars of the cage a heavy
+blow with a stick which he carried, but the great African lion took no
+notice of it.
+
+"Don't be skeer'd," exclaimed Mrs. Swipes, who had listened attentively to
+the assurances of the keeper, addressing herself to Miss Lavinia Longbow,
+whom she held between herself and the great African lion, as a precaution;
+"don't be skeer'd, he's one of the most docil_est_ animals in the whole
+caravan, the keeper says; push along. Don't be skeer'd; go right up to
+where he is a-lying."
+
+"This," exclaimed Squire Longbow, in a loud tone of voice, to a host of
+Puddlefordians who had gathered around him for protection; "this is the
+great lion I tell'd you about; he ain't so large as the one I onct saw
+down onter the Susquehannas. Can he roar any, Mr. Keeper?" continued the
+Squire, turning solemnly, and addressing himself to that august personage
+with his usual dignity.
+
+"He's a perfect roarer, ladies and gentlemen!" answered the keeper; "but
+the lion don't roar at this time of the year--you don't understand the
+nater of the animal--he loses his voice during the latter part of the
+season. You ought to have heard him last spring, when he was in the roaring
+mood, ladies and gentlemen."
+
+"Bless us!" exclaimed Aunt Sonora.
+
+"Frightened the children half to death," said the keeper.
+
+"The great--African lion," muttered Aunt Sonora.
+
+"But he won't _roar_ now, ladies and gentlemen--walk up, walk up!"
+
+"Com'd from the jungles, I s'pose," inquired the Squire, with much gravity.
+
+"Caught right _in_ a jungle," said the keeper.
+
+"Jest as I told you!" said the Squire, turning around to his friends.
+
+"Has he got _claws_?" inquired Aunt Sonora.
+
+"_Claws!_" exclaimed the keeper, looking astonished; "the great--African
+lion--got claws? Bless you! why he's _all_ claws and teeth; let me show
+them to you;" and the keeper ran his arm into the cage, in the act of
+pulling out one of the paws of the ferocious beast; when all Puddleford
+started with a rush for the door, mingled with screams that were most
+heart-rending.
+
+"Never mind," said the keeper, who had become affected by the terror around
+him; "we won't show the lion's claws now."
+
+Order being restored, Mrs. Bird wanted to know why the lion "hadn't got any
+_har_?"
+
+"Any _what_?" inquired the keeper, peering through the crowd to find where
+the voice came from, and what it said.
+
+"Any _har_, Mr. Keeper."
+
+"Ah! O, yes--any _hair_--I see--it is a _lady_ who makes the inquiry. Why
+the animal hasn't got any hair? Yes, yes, very proper inquiry. We like to
+answer such questions, or _any_ questions. These animals are great
+curiosities; and we travel for the instruction of the people. Why the
+animal hasn't got any hair? Put all the questions you can think of, ladies
+and gentlemen. The animal _hasn't_ got any hair just now. Well, ladies and
+gentlemen, he has just shed his coat--the lion is the monarch of the
+forest--_he_ sheds _his_ coat in the fall of the year, ladies and
+gentlemen; _he's_ from Africa, where the animals shed their coats at a
+different season from the animals in this country; and the lion does just
+as he would do if he were in Africa now, ladies and gentlemen. A very
+proper question that, ladies and gentlemen; the lion is a wonderful
+beast--the most wonderful beast, ladies and gentlemen, we have. Any more
+questions? He has shed his coat, you see; looks bad just now. A sight at
+the lion alone is worth the whole admission money. Any more questions?"
+
+Mrs. Bird wanted to know of the keeper if he couldn't make him "snap and
+snarl a little."
+
+As the lion could scarcely stand upon his legs, the request of Mrs. Bird
+rather took the keeper aback for a moment. But he recovered himself and
+proceeded. He said he _could_ do it--_did_ do it sometimes--but he didn't
+like to do it. "You see, ladies and gentlemen, that he is very docile now;
+resting _very_ quiet; nothing disturbs him; but if he should get once
+roused up, there is no knowing what he would do; I have stirred him up upon
+particular request, but I never do it of my own accord, ladies and
+gentlemen. We don't propose to do any such thing on our bills; we don't
+like to do such a thing; but we always mean to satisfy the public, ladies
+and gentlemen." Here the keeper started for a long pole with a sharp spike
+in the end of it, and returning with it in his hand, announced, "I will now
+make the great African lion foam and rage, and gnash his teeth."
+
+A scream of terror went up from the whole multitude, filled with broken
+ejaculations. "Murder!" "Don't!" "Let me out!" "Stop him!" and everybody
+rushed in the wildest confusion a second time for the door.
+
+The keeper laid down his pole, and calmed the crowd.
+
+The exercises connected with the lion now closed. Turtle took advantage of
+the interregnum to make an inquiry of his own. He had in his possession the
+flaming poster that had so long hung at the Eagle, and amused and
+astonished the Puddlefordians, and slowly unfolding it, he caught the eye
+of the keeper, as he held it out at full length, and wished to know where
+"all the monkeys were that were put on to that 'ere bill?"
+
+The keeper pointed to the monkeys' cage, where the three were, still
+chewing nuts and crackers, and chattering and bobbing from one side to the
+other.
+
+"Je-hos-a-phat!" exclaimed Turtle, "them _ar'_ ain't these 'ere
+monkeys--there ain't but three on 'em, nuther, and they ain't climbing
+trees, as these are--Je-hos-a-phat!--are _them_ your monkeys, Mr. Keeper?"
+
+The keeper said "he would explain. They were the same monkeys that the
+gentleman found on the bill; the same monkeys in different attitudes. That
+monkey, for instance, ladies and gentlemen," continued the keeper, pointing
+his stick at a gray-bearded one in the cage, who was just then intently at
+work pulling a sliver out of his foot, "that monkey is represented four or
+five times on the bill in different forms, ladies and gentlemen; jumping
+here, and climbing there, ladies and gentlemen; and in other places
+performing those wonderful and curious feats that the monkey only _can_
+perform. Will the gentleman show the bill for the benefit of all? (Ike held
+up the bill over his head.) Now, ladies and gentlemen, look at the bill,
+and then look at the monkey. These bills are printed for the instruction of
+the people; it gives them a knowledge of natural history. That monkey can
+do anything that we have represented on our bill; or, rather, monkeys in
+their native woods do all these things; but the woods we cannot carry
+around with us, ladies and gentlemen; and so we give it to you on our
+bills. (Hold the bill a little higher, if you please, sir.) There you see
+the monkey as he is--next thing to a man, ladies and gentlemen. Study the
+monkey; he's an as-_ton_-ishing animal; very different from the lion there;
+wherever we go, the _mon_-keys are admired. Any more questions, ladies and
+gentlemen?"
+
+Turtle said "he b'lieved he shouldn't ask any more questions."
+
+Bigelow Van Slyck had not yet seen "that wonderful animal mentioned in Holy
+Writ, and now known as the Ichneumon." He had walked the whole caravan over
+and over a dozen times, but the Ichneumon was nowhere to be seen.
+
+He inquired, at last, of the keeper, "where he kept his Ichneumon."
+
+"Certainly," answered the keeper in the most amiable manner possible,
+leading the way to a little cage on the ground, where he had an animal
+housed about the size of a small dog.
+
+"There," exclaimed the keeper, "is the sacred quadruped now known as the
+Ichneumon."
+
+Bigelow ran his hands into his breeches-pockets and looked down very
+reverently upon the little fellow.
+
+"Spoken of in Holy Writ?" repeated Bigelow.
+
+"Often," said the keeper.
+
+"Old Testament, probably," said Bigelow.
+
+"Most probably," replied the keeper.
+
+Bigelow took another long look.
+
+"And he's alive, too," said Bigelow, drawing a long breath.
+
+"But it costs a great deal of money," answered the keeper, "to preserve his
+life--most _expensive_ animal we have--bathe him in salt water three times
+a day."
+
+"Mi-_rac_-ulous!" said Bigelow.
+
+"Treat him very tenderly," continued the keeper; "liable to lose him any
+moment; cost a great sum; but we don't mind that--it is our business--we
+_will_ satisfy the public."
+
+Bigelow introduced Mrs. Bird, Mrs. Swipes, and Mrs. Longbow to the
+Ichneumon, who did not happen to be present and hear the keeper's remarks,
+and repeated in low breath the information which he had just derived, with
+suitable and appropriate remarks of his own. For his part, he said, he was
+paid. He had seen the sacred animal called the Ichneumon; and he managed to
+weave him into a sermon which he preached some weeks afterwards, in which
+he identified him as clearly as he did when inspecting the poster at the
+Eagle.
+
+Jim Buzzard was present during all the exercises. He crawled in under the
+canvas at rather a late hour, but appeared in time to see all that was to
+be seen. He made very few comments upon the animals. He took a very long
+look at the elephant, who seemed to just strike his fancy. Jim was a
+picture, and so was the elephant. As he stood in rags gaping at the
+monster, it seemed as if he was magnetized to the ground. He examined him
+up and down, looked under him, and over him, and at last, after having
+digested all there was about him, he scratched his head and said, "O,
+Gosh!"
+
+But all things must have an end, and the grand caravan, in time, came to
+its end. The last performance, which was intended as the climax to the
+whole day's proceedings, and which had been looked forward to by the
+Puddlefordians with the most enthusiastic feeling, was the "ostrich and
+monkey ride." The poster had painted this affair in shining colors, and it
+was finally announced by the keeper, amid a tempest of applause. It is not
+in my power to describe this ride. The monkey rode the ostrich, as
+promised, carrying a whip in his hand--and then the monkey took another
+round on the ostrich, carrying something else--and then again and again,
+each time under renewed and stronger vociferations from the multitude,
+until I really began to think that the monkey and ostrich were certain to
+transport the crowd into hysterics, and cover themselves with immortal
+glory.
+
+When the afternoon shadows began to lengthen over the green, the tent,
+which had so recently gone up by magic, as suddenly dissolved, and the
+people dissolved too. The show was over, and there were scores of people
+who were twenty or thirty miles from home, jaded and nearly out of money.
+Puddleford was in an uproar in the general preparation for a departure. The
+showmen were packing their monkeys, ostrich, and ichneumon, temporarily
+hobbling their elephant, and counting up the proceeds of the day, and
+making ready for a fresh swindle upon some adjacent town. The women were
+dealing out gingerbread to squalling children to fortify their stomachs
+against the journey of the night. The men were settling up their bills at
+the Eagle; and all was bustle and commotion.
+
+Aunt Sonora hurried home and "took a nap;" she had passed _such_ a day;
+"was," as she said, "nearly killed in the morning, and skeer'd to death in
+the arternoon, that it seemed as if she should fly off the handle; her head
+danc'd round like a top; see if they could catch her at any more of their
+powwows; their lions and their monkeys might go to grass, for all her;
+she'd not look at 'em agin; that's what she wouldn't--there warn't nothin'
+so grand 'bout 'em, arter all, as folks tell'd on--she wouldn't use up
+herself agin for any such strolling critters--not she."
+
+The procession formed in a line, just at twilight, to take its farewell. A
+knot of urchins, and twenty or more Puddlefordians, were all that were left
+of the pride and pomp of the morning to see them safely on their way. The
+band struck up a lively air, the wagons moved forward, and soon had wound
+away out of sight; and all settled down again into the most profound
+tranquillity.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV.
+
+     The Tinkhams arrive.--Great Stir.--Miss Lavinia Longbow's
+     Head is turned.--Everybody in Love with the Tinkhams.--Wind
+     changes.--The Tinkhams fall.--The whole Pack out on
+     them.--They abandon the Settlement.
+
+
+It is remarkable how the people of a new country run in fixed channels of
+thought and action. That this is true of an old one where ages have
+hardened down and vitrified a long train of habits, is not so wonderful.
+Puddleford was in the gristle, it was true, and had not as yet made any
+permanent development. But even in its gristle, it had its laws--temporary,
+of course, but laws, nevertheless, which were as unbending as iron, while
+they lasted.
+
+No person was permitted to outstrip his neighbor in any of the luxuries or
+refinements of social life. Any attempt at such a piece of ambition was
+regarded as a kind of premeditated insult upon the whole town. It was never
+for a moment supposed that a Puddlefordian could act without some hidden
+motive, maliciously directed against those who were not in any way
+connected with his personal affairs. The pride of a new country is most
+marvellous. The less wealth, or the less education, or the less of the
+luxuries of life, which such a people may possess, the more tender they are
+upon those very deprivations. In one sense, again, not a particle of pride
+could be found lingering in all Puddleford. This pride was the source of
+the most unrelenting jealousy.
+
+Mrs. Longbow never bought a new calico without being agitated. She knew
+that not only the calico, but herself, too, in connection with such a bold
+enterprise, must necessarily pass in review before all the women of the
+place. And she also knew that not unfrequently it happened that very
+improper motives were attributed. The calico might have been purchased to
+cast a slur upon some one else--a way taken by her to "let people know what
+some folks could do, and what other people could not do,"--a kind of open
+triumph, maliciously intended to humble the pride, and sneer at the poverty
+of another, who dare not venture upon such an outlay of money--and Mrs.
+Longbow knew and felt that it was as much as her reputation was worth to
+appear for the first time in public in such a garment--for Mrs. Swipes or
+Mrs. Bird would be sure to declare that "she did it on purpos' jist to
+insult _her_."
+
+Immigrants, who settled in Puddleford, felt the force of this social law
+very forcibly. Mr. Tinkham and family came in and took up their residence.
+Mr. Tinkham was a small merchant, and hailed from a small eastern village,
+and brought in his train a wife, one son, and two daughters--Mr. Howard
+Tinkham, Miss Jenet Tinkham, and Miss Mary Tinkham--old enough all for
+society. They were a very plain family, had been educated in a very plain
+way, and were very unpretending in their deportment. "_Old_ Mr. Tinkham,"
+as he was called, was on the downhill side of life, and was fast running
+into the shadows of the valley; and "Old Mrs. Tinkham" was not very far
+behind him. They had immigrated for the benefit of their children--made
+themselves miserable from a philanthropic desire to make somebody else
+happy--had buried all the associations, comforts, and joys of their lives,
+to linger out an unnatural existence in the West.
+
+When Mr. Tinkham and his family came on, Puddleford was overflowing with
+enthusiasm. Indeed, their anticipated arrival was heralded by all hands
+long before they made their appearance, and their "means," personal
+history, politics, and religion were well known weeks in advance. The
+accession of a new family was a great event in Puddleford--and well it
+might be--for it was a rare event to find any one bold enough to settle
+down in the village--and it usually turned out to be as great an event to
+the individual who settled, as those whom he settled among.
+
+There was a general uprising to receive Mr. Tinkham--it did not seem
+possible to do enough for Mr. Tinkham--he was from the very first
+completely run down, crushed, and smothered with attention--all the women
+offered their services in any and every way to Mr. Tinkham, and to Mrs.
+Tinkham, and Mr. Howard Tinkham, and Miss Jenet Tinkham, and Miss Mary
+Tinkham--one ran this way to do this, and another that way to do
+that--sometimes two or three female Puddlefordians would insist upon
+performing the same act for Mrs. Tinkham, which not unfrequently resulted
+in hard words and red faces among themselves, for their kindness was so
+impulsive and excessive, that it was not possible for them to restrain it,
+as long as the Tinkham fever lasted.
+
+The Tinkhams thought that they had been very much underrated, or very much
+overrated. They were positively delighted with the spontaneous attention
+of the Puddlefordians--and yet, as has been stated, the Tinkhams were a
+plain people, not subject to any fashionable flights, nor haughty airs, nor
+had they ever demanded or received much notice before, and they could only
+account for the novel exhibitions of hospitality of their new acquaintances
+by supposing it was "their way," and that they were no exception to a
+general rule.
+
+Miss Lavinia Longbow, who was decidedly one of the fashionable "upper
+crust" of society--for every society has its "upper crust"--and who was the
+daughter of Squire Longbow, which of itself was all-sufficient to fix her
+social position--Miss Lavinia Longbow almost went into ecstasies over Mr.
+Howard Tinkham the first time she saw him.
+
+She declared that "he was the splendidest man she ever see'd--that she
+thought that Jim Barton was something of a feller once--but, O, pshaw! he
+warn't nothin'. Mr. Howard Tinkham had such a poetical eye, and such
+tap'rin' hands, and then he was so much slimmer-er than Jim Barton, and he
+walked off so peert like--and then he talked so _bu_-tiful--all about the
+Venuses, and the God-es-es, and she did not know how many more things, that
+she never heer'd of afore in all her born days. Jim Barton didn't know
+nothin' 'bout anything--he couldn't say boo afore Mr. Howard Tinkham--he
+was _sich_ a man, Mr. Howard Tinkham was--he know'd everything--how many
+pretty stories he _had_ told her--O, pshaw! talk about Jim Barton."
+
+Miss Lavinia ran on in the most extravagant terms, at all times and places,
+about Mr. Howard Tinkham, and she positively refused to speak to, or notice
+Jim Barton, for six months after Tinkham came in.
+
+Mrs. Swipes, Bird, Longbow, Aunt Sonora, and all were bewitched with Mrs.
+Tinkham. Mrs. Swipes presented Mrs. Tinkham with a dried-apple pie within
+an hour after her arrival, at the same time informing her that "it would
+come right handy while they were putting things to rights--and that if
+there was anything else--any--thing--no matter what--that she had in her
+house, to come over and take it right away, and ask no questions. She
+wanted her to be at home in _her_ house, jist as long as they liv'd in
+Puddleford."
+
+Mrs. Tinkham thought Mrs. Swipes was a very accommodating woman.
+
+Mrs. Longbow sent a ham--Mrs. Bird a loaf of "Injun," as she called it--and
+as Mrs. Swipes knew what Mrs. Longbow had sent, and as Mrs. Longbow
+ascertained what Mrs. Swipes had sent, and as Mrs. Bird discovered by
+inquiry "round about," what they both sent, and as the rest of the
+Puddleford ladies made it their business to know what they all had sent,
+and as they were determined not to be outdone by the upper crust, who they
+declared were no better than they were, and couldn't do any more than they
+could do, the consequence was that the Tinkhams began to think that they
+had reached the promised land, and that the windows of Heaven were opened,
+and showering down blessings broadcast upon them.
+
+The Tinkhams were in raptures with Puddleford. Mrs. Swipes called two or
+three times a day to know how they got along--to know if Mary Jane Arabella
+could not come in and "chore around a little while they were
+settlin'"--that she know'd what it was "to get fix'd"--to know if "there
+warn't _sum_thin' she _could_ do."
+
+Mrs. Longbow was very anxious to find out "when Mrs. Tinkham could come
+over and spend a sociable afternoon--it seemed as if she couldn't wait."
+
+Mrs. Bird declared that "she would have the first visit--that she'd say
+flat-footed."
+
+The Tinkhams were certainly very much in love with Puddleford. They had
+positively never seen anything like it. The impression which they had made
+exceeded all their expectations. They did not see how they could ever repay
+the manifestations of its people.
+
+But this paroxysm of attention in time passed away. The Tinkhams in
+time--and in a very short time, too--fell from their high position. Mrs.
+Tinkham _did_ call first upon Mrs. Longbow, and she and all the other
+Tinkhams were ruined from that day.
+
+Mrs. Bird then declared "she just began to see what they were"--she blazed
+out with all her fires, and showered down her red-hot lava upon the
+Tinkhams, both great and small. She "had a lurkin' kinder suspicion all the
+time that they warn't much"--she said "she meant to treat 'em decently, and
+she had treated 'em decently--she and Mary Jane didn't do nothin' but run
+for 'em all the time, when they fust cum--and now this was her thanks
+for't--this was what she got--_this_ was her pay--she'd tell the whole pile
+on 'em what she thought, some day--she'd give 'em a piece of her
+mind--she'd show 'em what Sall Bird could do--they'd find her out--they
+couldn't tromp onter her--jest--to--think--after all said and done--that
+the huzzy went straight over and call'd fust on Mrs. Longbow--on Mrs.
+Longbow--yes, old Squire Longbow's second wife--_old_ Aunt Graves, and
+nobody else--who I've know'd fust and last these twenty years--and no good
+of her nuther--to think of it! to think!--_only_ to think!"
+
+This little explosion went off in the presence of Mrs. Swipes, who had been
+as deeply injured by this "call" as Mrs. Bird, and Mrs. Bird knew it.
+
+Mrs. Swipes declared "that while she was the last woman on the face of the
+airth to injure anybody, or talk 'bout anybody, that was _well_ known, she
+couldn't help lettin' out on the Tinkhams--she couldn't! she'd tried it,
+but she felt it her duty to do it--and she _would_ do it, and she'd do it
+now,--she thought she saw sumthin'--_sum_thin' a-nuther--'bout that Mrs.
+Tinkham, the fust day that they came inter the settlement, that warn't
+right--she didn't like her eye--there was a certain sort-of-er-look
+there--and she might as well say it right out, it looked wicked to
+her--wicked as Cain--she told Mr. Swipes then that _she_ believed that she
+was a _dang_-rous woman--but she was detarmined to try her, for she was a
+person who allers tried everybody--she gin everybody a chance--she didn't
+cry down nobody, she didn't--she warn't a-goin' to--'twas agin her
+principles to do so--but when she _did_ find people out--and she allers
+did--_allers_--sooner or _la_-ter--sum time or a-nuther--she was sure to
+find 'em out, then they'd got ter take a piece of her mind--and she had
+found the Tinkhams out, and she thought the Tinkhams warn't any great
+shakes--that's what she thought."
+
+"Jest my mind exactly!" exclaimed Mrs. Bird, who had listened with great
+attention, with her eyes staring, and her mouth open, so she could not lose
+a word.
+
+"Nor warn't any great shakes where they com'd from," added Mrs. Swipes;
+"that I've larned for true, and I know it."
+
+"Nor never will be any great shakes," continued Mrs. Bird,
+"anywhere--never! never!"
+
+"From the old man down," said Mrs. Swipes.
+
+"Yes! from the old man down," repeated Mrs. Bird.
+
+Aunt Sonora, who was very "set in her way," and a great stickler for the
+old order of things, was, nevertheless, not naturally malicious. She
+thought the Tinkhams, however, "were getting mighty stuck up," and that the
+"gals put on the dref'ellest sight of airs"--"she didn't think Puddleford
+could hold 'em long--people who ate sales-molasses for common, and bought
+fresh every day, must have a long purse or they'd bust"--she said "she was
+very sure that Mr. Howard Tinkham wore broadcloth; and as for the
+women-folks, why, they were flarin' out all the while in their silks--and
+laws-a-me," said the old lady, "they hain't got such a killin' sight to be
+proud of nuther--if they had, _she_ didn't know where they kept it, for her
+part."
+
+The Tinkhams found themselves in hot water on every side--and simply for
+the reason that Mrs. Tinkham had made her first call on Mrs. Longbow. But
+Mrs. Tinkham could not have escaped her fate--that was not possible; if she
+had selected any other of her devoted friends, the result would have been
+precisely the same.
+
+In four weeks from the time the Tinkhams had been received with such
+demonstrations of affection, it was discovered,--
+
+That Mrs. Bird did not speak to Mrs. Tinkham;
+
+That Mrs. Swipes did not speak to Mrs. Tinkham;
+
+That Mrs. Beagle did not speak to Mrs. Tinkham;
+
+That a very great many other persons who did not speak to Mrs. Bird,
+Swipes, _or_ Beagle, did not speak to Mrs. Tinkham.
+
+Mr. and Mrs. Tinkham found that they had come in conflict with public
+opinion in Puddleford--they were completely driven out from society.
+
+The social war soon extended itself further. The Bird clique would not
+trade at Mr. Tinkham's store. Mrs. Bird declared "that she wouldn't have
+nothing at all to do with 'em no way--not the fust thing--she wouldn't
+darken any of their doors, and they shouldn't darken hers--not a Tinkham
+should enter her front gate--_she'd_ larn 'em, that's what she would." Mrs.
+Swipes and Mrs. Beagle agreed to the same thing--the Tinkhams shouldn't
+darken their doors, nuther. Mrs. Bird said she wouldn't go where the
+Tinkhams went. Mrs. Swipes and Mrs. Beagle thereupon agreed that _they_
+wouldn't go where the Tinkhams went--and the lesser lights that revolved
+around Mrs. Bird, Swipes, and Beagle, agreed that they wouldn't "nuther."
+
+The Tinkhams were obliged to draw their business to a close, and leave the
+land of their adoption. They did not understand the social law of the
+country. They were seen, early one morning, wending their way out of the
+village, solitary, yet not sad, without pomp or parade, their faces to the
+rising sun, retracing their steps back to the land which they had left,
+wiser, if not better, we trust, with a fixed determination to "let well
+enough alone" during the remainder of their lives, and never again give "a
+bird in the hand for (none) in the bush."
+
+Puddleford experienced no more spasms from a disturbance of its social
+equilibrium for a long time; not until the Styles family came in many years
+afterwards, and overturned the whole order of things, and established upon
+the ruins an entirely new government.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXV.
+
+     And still New England.--Sui Generis.--Her Ruggedness the
+     Soil of Liberty.--The Contrast.--The New England
+     Conservative.--The New England Man of Business.--The West
+     has no Past.--_Fast_, and Hospitable.--Saxon Blood and Saxon
+     Spirit.
+
+
+Such is a picture of some of the old-school New England men, as they
+flourished years ago. Such are some of the portraits and images that rise
+up, and stand out vividly before me.
+
+New England is unlike anything the pioneer sees, hears, or feels in a
+wilderness country. She is unlike his country in her creation. Her solemn
+mountains, lone lakes--her rushing streams, that dart like arrows from her
+precipices--the roar of her cataracts, amid her rugged gorges--her long and
+tranquil reaches of valley--the cold, solemn, and quiet pictures of Nature
+that she mingles and groups on her canvas, give soul and spirit to the
+people who are nursed upon her soil; and they, too, grow gigantic, like the
+objects around them--patriotism, integrity, firmness, germinate and become
+athletic in such fastnesses: Liberty last expires upon the mountains.
+
+Why was civil and religious liberty planted, amid December snows, upon her
+inhospitable coast? Why was it committed to her rugged elements of Nature,
+if not to harden the men, and strengthen and preserve principles? Had the
+May Flower discharged its freight of ideas amid abundance, soft skies, and
+a teeming soil, it is not certain that the Declaration would have been
+signed in 1776.
+
+How different is the great West! One great plain of prairie and woodland,
+reaching from zone to zone, fairly bursting with the richness of its varied
+soil and climate--reserved, as it were, by Providence, to receive the less
+hardy and vigorous generations which time might throw off upon her--tame in
+scenery, but filled with the resources of wealth and power.
+
+But New England is not only unlike the West in its creation, but her
+people, from a thousand causes, have fixed and established habits and
+customs as unlike. And all these have become as stereotyped by ages, as the
+figures upon a panorama. The New England panorama, in all its essential
+features, rolls off to-day as it did years ago. Who has not been impressed
+with this truth? Select an old New England town--analyze it as you once
+knew it, and as it is now. How was it, how is it made up? It was finished
+then--the last blow was struck, the last foundation laid, the rubbish all
+cleared away; as if it only waited for the final explosion of all
+things--even the magnificent elms that solemnly swept its streets, grew no
+longer--they, too, had reached maturity, and gone to sleep. So it is now.
+
+A western village, in its general aspect, presents the very reverse of
+this. Like Jonah's gourd, it is the "son of a night." It seems to have been
+thrown up by an army on the march--and such is the fact--the mighty army of
+pioneers, who are here to-day and there to-morrow, and who are only traced
+by such huge footsteps.
+
+The people of a New England village appear to have been procured, assorted
+and arranged, for their positions and occupations. Each person treads in
+his own circle--each is stamped with a value--branded good, bad, or
+indifferent. There is the conservative gentleman--the dash that connects
+generations--he who has taken a preemption right to respectability--whose
+patent dates away back among historical reminiscences and dead bones--whose
+presence is _prima facie_ evidence of all that is claimed and exercised. A
+man of authority is he. He carries an odor of the past around with him--an
+air--a something that smells of blood--a consciousness that some time, or
+somehow, somebody or something had given his ancestors a cross that
+followed and sublimated his whole race.
+
+Such men impress a consequence upon objects around them. Their family
+carriages look wise and venerable--heirlooms embalmed by generations gone.
+They drive horses that think and know who and what they are--and who live
+and die under the protection of their masters. Their church-pews blaze in
+crimson--are piled with cushions, arrayed with stools, and tables, and
+books, with two pillows and a foot-stove in the corner, for the old _lady_
+of seventy, who wheezes and takes snuff.
+
+Perhaps, reader, you have met just such a New England character. He never
+moves below a line in society--a line as arbitrary with him as 36 deg. 30'. He
+had a broad face, double chin, heavy nose, wide-brimmed hat, and buff vest,
+filled with ruffles. You have heard him deliver his opinion upon a question
+of public policy, or public morals--his voice slow and sepulchral--his
+manner heavy, almost melancholy--made impressive through the aid of a
+gold-headed cane, with which he occasionally beats out the emphatic
+portions of his homily. Perhaps you attempted to make a suggestion
+yourself--if you did, you recollect the frown, the reproof that came down
+upon you, from those cold, gray eyes of his, and perhaps the shock you
+inflicted upon the timid around you, from your impudence.
+
+This class do not, by any means, constitute the backbone of New England.
+The enterprise that breaks through her mountains, upheaves her valleys, and
+sends the iron horse on its way--creates the roar of machinery that
+reverberates among her hills--grasps with, and battles for, the public
+questions of the _day_--pours a tide of life and energy into everything
+around--which makes itself felt through the long arms of commerce in every
+part of the world, and whose touch electrifies every mart--_this
+enterprise_ is born, and quickened, and sustained somewhere else. These men
+are the mere spectators of all this bustle. They are rather drag-weights
+upon it--the acknowledged conservative army of "masterly inactivity."
+
+These conservatives are not without value, but they can only exist in a
+fixed state of society. They are the work of ages, and cannot be created in
+a breath. No such characters can be found in the western world. The roots
+of such a growth lie away back among the Puritans. One can smell Plymouth
+Rock, Cotton Mather, Bunker Hill, and indeed the whole revolutionary war,
+in the very production. Pedigree associations, musty ideas, which lie
+scattered everywhere, and yet nowhere in particular, are the foundation of
+this kind of aristocracy; all of which is submitted to by custom and
+habit.
+
+What if an attempt should be made to build up such a society in a new
+country? Where would we begin? There is no past to hallow and dignify the
+present; and without a past to draw upon, and anchor to, an aristocracy
+would be all afloat. The past of Puddleford, so far as my researches go,
+ends in the _Pottawatomie Indians_--a little later in Longbow, Turtle, and
+Bates. This is the extent of our resources; and no one has been yet found
+who was willing to go into that kind of business on such a capital. Money,
+so often the foundation of pretension, is widely diffused, in very small
+parcels. Historical local incidents there are none. The conquest of the
+country was by the axe and an indomitable spirit. There was no blood nor
+brimstone used. The pioneer's little family of sinewy children was the army
+that entered it, and took possession of the soil.
+
+But the people of New England, I said, were assorted. The man of business,
+the merchant, the mechanic, was a merchant, a mechanic, in the same place,
+the same building, perhaps forty years ago--and his whole life is one of
+order and system. He lives by rule--is as fixed in his sphere as the
+conservative in his. His income for the future can be calculated from the
+past. His duties are foreseen and provided for. Domestic expenses so much;
+support of the gospel so much; charity so much; pleasure so much; which,
+deducted from income, balance, so much. Here, again, is the fruit of a
+fixed society. The creditor of a New England merchant knows where his
+customer will be next year--at his old post, or dead.
+
+How is it in a new country? Not one resident in ten is permanently located.
+Every man expects to remove somewhere else, at some time. Here is no
+association, no tie, to bind him to the soil. The pioneer is but a
+passenger who has stopped over night, as it were, and he holds himself
+ready to push forward at the blow of the trumpet. Villages, and even whole
+townships, change inhabitants in short periods, and other men, with other
+views and habits, step in and take their places. Where does the merchant
+creditor find his western customer of last year? Sold out, perhaps, to Mr.
+A., and Mr. A. sold to Mr. B., and Mr. B. to Mr. C. Mr. C. pays all
+arrearages, and Mr. A. and B. are boating on the Mississippi, or
+"ballooning" in some fancy speculation on the north shore of the Oregon.
+
+While the great West suffers from a want of the virtues that attend a fixed
+society, as it undoubtedly does, it does not find itself obliged to contend
+against its prejudices. There are no arbitrary lines drawn, based upon mere
+ideas--no venerable fictions in the way. Custom, habit, society, immemorial
+usage, hang no dead-weights upon the young and ambitious. All start from
+the same line, the prize is aloft in full view, and he who first reaches it
+creates his own precedence.
+
+If there is no past to hallow and chasten the people of a new country, no
+permanent present to hold them to one spot, so in one sense there is no
+future. There is no locality that is adorned and beautified for coming
+years--no spot designated to become venerable to posterity--no tree nursed
+and protected in memory of him who planted it--no ground consecrated for
+the burial of the dead. Houses are built, localities adorned, trees
+planted, cemeteries erected, but they who fashioned all this do not abide
+with them--they are ever on the march, and the stranger takes possession
+of the memorials they leave behind; and if posterity should attempt to
+collect the works of such an ancestor, it would find them scattered over
+the circuit of states.
+
+We have attempted, in a plain way, to draw a comparison, very briefly, to
+be sure, between a fixed and an unfixed society. Both have their advantages
+and their disadvantages.
+
+If New England is slow and methodical, she is strong. She moves in close
+phalanx upon any public question or duty. The very bonds of habit which
+pervade all, and all alike, concentrate and intensify her action. Her
+people act in a mass towards one point. They strike through organizations
+which are gigantic and reverend with age. The Church gathers the energies
+and means of the benevolent. Public opinion is harmonious about public
+ends. And this very fixedness of society enables its members to push
+forward with a unity and strength almost omnipotent.
+
+In a new country, as we have seen, action is individual and ends are
+individual; men are unorganized. He who goes forward with axe in hand to
+hew his pathway to competence and respectability, is governed by few relics
+of the past. He breaks away, in time (too completely perhaps), from old
+associations, some of which were trammels, being the mere result of usage,
+and some of which he ought to cherish for their intrinsic excellence. He
+looks forward to a country and people in the future (_somewhere_ in the
+future; locality is nothing), and he hurries on, with fury almost, to reach
+the destination of his dreams.
+
+The people of the West are called a _fast_ people. How can they be
+otherwise? Their very necessities _drive_ them. They cannot fall back upon
+any prop; they can move onward without limit. It required, half a century
+ago, the labor of a generation to sweep off the forest, and plant cities
+and villages--but all this is accomplished in half of that time now.
+Pioneers grow more expanded in their views. The father of the pioneer of
+to-day grew into consequence as a heavy landed proprietor upon a farm of
+forty acres--his son can hardly satisfy his ambition with six hundred--and
+that is always for sale--(there is no poetry, as we have seen, about a
+western homestead)--and he stands ready to vacate upon six months' notice
+and a consideration.
+
+This miscellaneous state of society begets a peculiar hospitality. New
+England has been famed for its hospitality; but the kind I mean is a very
+different thing. Hospitality in an old country, under the bonds of society,
+is too formal, too cold, and sometimes a little oppressive. It is not
+always hospitality; it is, sometimes, the performance of a social duty,
+according to the rules and regulations prescribed for its
+observance--painful to all parties concerned. It is artificial--as hearty,
+perhaps, as it can be under "bonds." The table, in the West, is _always_
+spread, and the roof _always_ offers shelter. There is an ease, an
+abandonment in its exercise, that is positively beautiful, and can be
+understood only when felt.
+
+A fixed state of society begets feuds, and cherishes old grudges. A quarrel
+that originated between grandfathers is often carried down and kept
+brewing. Families are divided from other families for years, and sometimes
+for generations, about matters of no consequence. It is perhaps a point of
+etiquette, a stinging remark, an accidental or premeditated slight, a
+question of dollars and cents, a political or religious difference of
+opinion, that opened the breach which will not be healed. Thus, bombshells
+are often thrown from one to another, by fathers and children and
+grandchildren, and families kept in an uproar about nothing. This society
+not only cherishes old grudges, but it is nervous and sensitive to the
+least touch of the present. A morbid pride of wealth, family, position, is
+ever on the lookout for an attack upon its consequence--perhaps to make an
+onslaught upon others.
+
+Here the West has the advantage. There is no one to keep alive old grudges.
+Not one man in a hundred can tell what his neighbor's father or grandfather
+was--where he flourished or decayed--what were his personal piques or
+social battles. And as for present causes of personal war, they are few--it
+requires something more than a sublimated idea or notion--an antiquated
+figment of the brain or present artificiality--to warm up the combatants.
+The practical realities of the West are too great and pressing to give time
+or disposition to dally with abstractions. Gross outrages are quickly met
+and redressed--they are not carried down on the docket of time for
+posterity to try, nor nursed in the bosom from the revengeful pleasure they
+afford.
+
+Reader, these are a few of the advantages and disadvantages of the two
+states of eastern and western society--not western society after it becomes
+rooted and established, as it has in many of the states--but during its
+first ten, perhaps twenty years, in its green state, while the gristle is
+hardening into bone.
+
+These few suggestions are written in no morbid or carping spirit. They are
+written with a consciousness of the manly virtues, and solid worth, of New
+England, as she is, and always has been. They simply mark points of
+difference worked upon men by a change of soil and society--points that
+should be known, whether approved or condemned. What son of New England
+does not look back upon her with pride? What associations throng around him
+when her name is mentioned! Her hills, her hearts, her homes, send a thrill
+through the soul, and make him, for a time at least, a better man. What
+armies of scholars have walked forth into the battle of life from her
+cloisters? How many have been girded and helmeted in her halls? Where is
+the spot where her footsteps are not imprinted, her cheering voice heard?
+Shall we ever forget her? What sermons her old homesteads are continually
+preaching to her children, scattered as they are throughout every degree of
+latitude and longitude, in all positions and avocations! The cold brooks,
+where the trout darted--the grove where the nuts dropped--the blue
+sublimity of her mountain-tops, where sunlight first broke in the morn, and
+last died at night--the great shadows that slept in her valleys--the
+reverberation of her thunder--her solemn "fasts and feasts"--her day of
+Thanksgiving, that united again the broken fragments of the family
+circle--the merry voice of Christmas, that rung so cheerily through her
+halls--her graves, that hold all that remains of those who were giants in
+religion, liberty, and law, and who, "although dead, yet speak"--her
+arts--her monuments--her altars, where generations have knelt and passed
+away--are all living eloquence to her children, and can never be forgotten,
+if not always remembered. She is the Mecca to which many a weary pilgrim
+turns for strength and counsel in the storm and bustle of life, and her
+brain, and her capital, and her example are felt throughout half the globe.
+
+Let us not, however, in our veneration for New England, forget the
+iron-souled and true-hearted men, who have gone forth from that ancient
+hive to make a way in the wilderness for incoming generations, whose march
+is ever upon the ear. They had _their_ mission, too, and nobly have they
+performed it. What but Saxon blood, and Saxon spirit, could have
+accomplished so much? If it was, and still is, done roughly, it was all
+done for time, and will stand--it is something that will bear looking back
+upon, and of which no son of posterity will be ashamed.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVI.
+
+     Spring at the West.--"Sugar Days."--Performances of the
+     Cattle.--April.--Advent of the Blue-Jays and the Crows.--The
+     Bluebirds, Phebes, and Robins.--April and its Inspiring
+     Days.--The Frogs and their Concerts.--Gophers, Squirrels,
+     Ants; Swallows, Brown-Threshers, and Blackbirds.--The
+     Swallows, the Martins, and the Advent of May.
+
+
+Spring opens in the western wilds with great pomp and beauty. After our
+winter had passed, accompanied with few out-door amusements, how inspiring
+were her first footsteps! February slowly gave way to March, the sun each
+day rolled higher and higher, and the heavens grew bluer and bluer. Then
+came the still, clear, cold nights, when the stars flashed like diamonds,
+and the still, warm days, that flooded the lakes and streams. Here and
+there a bird would appear--one of the more hardy sort--a kind of courier,
+that had been sent out by his fellows, lonely, like the dove from the ark,
+to spy out the land, and report its condition. These couriers, who I
+supposed were birds that were with us the preceding year, rummaged around
+the woods, like a family who had just returned to a long deserted mansion.
+They flew from tree to tree, eyed the knot-holes, examined everything,
+shivered a few nights on a snowy limb, and then hurried back to make their
+report. The outside birds who were thus represented, and who were so
+anxious to "come on," were like a press at the theatre, before the hour
+had arrived to hoist the curtain.
+
+These March days were "sugar days." Puddleford was, of course, in
+confusion; men, women, and children turned out with kettles and pans, into
+the "bush;" and one would have supposed, from the clouds of smoke that
+rolled over the tops of the trees, that a tribe of gypsies had camped
+there. The girls, dressed in linsey-woolsey, were boisterous; the boys,
+uproarious; and a whole army of dogs, full of the spirit of the occasion,
+stormed around, barking at every deer track, and tore all the rotten logs
+in pieces. Then came a long, warm, still rain--and the frogs shouted to
+each other their melancholy music--and the grass and the roots that were
+soaking in the marshes sent out their sweetness--the bud began to swell on
+the willow--the geese gathered in a procession, with some pompous gander at
+its head, and marched to the river--and the barn-yard fowls climbed up into
+trees, on top of the sheds and stacks, and cackled, and crowed, and
+clucked, and chatted together, like so many guests at a party.
+
+The cattle congregated, and wandered away off to an open plain, and went
+through certain exercises, the significance of which was known only to
+themselves. One old cow of mine, whose reputation was good, and whose
+frosty bones had scarcely moved during the winter, and who was present at
+this celebration, suddenly wheeled out of the ranks, rolled her tail over
+her back, put herself on a circuitous canter, cutting as many capers as a
+French dancing-master, and brought up, at last, with a bellowing blast that
+was quite terrific.
+
+At a distance stood another of the herd, frothing at the mouth, lashing
+herself with her tail, and throwing clouds of sand on high with her fore
+feet. Away, in another quarter, were a couple of very thoughtful looking
+animals, fencing with their horns. Every little while some good or evil
+spirit would take possession of them, and the whole company would fling
+their tails aloft, and with a great noise go off in a stampede that made
+the ground tremble.
+
+As April approached, or rather the reflected light from her distant wheels,
+the voice of the birds changed into a mellower tone. The blue-jay, whose
+harsh scream had so long grated on my ear, grew softer, and he blew once in
+a while one of his spring pipes (for he is a great imitator, and has many),
+which, after all, sounded rather husky and winter-like. His heart grew
+warmer, too. He would sit on a dry tree close to the eaves of my house, and
+peer through the windows, to see what was going on inside, jump down, and
+bow himself up on the door-steps, to remind us, in the best way he could,
+of the sunshine outside.
+
+Soon the crows began to sweep solemnly through the air with their caw! caw!
+They sailed round and round, now lighting on some tree, now on the ground,
+then away they went into the heavens again. They seemed to be taking a very
+thorough examination of the premises, making out the lines of occupation,
+and acquiring a new possession of the same, for the use of themselves and
+those they represented. Sometimes a body of them, lazily winging their way
+over my house, and looking down from their height upon my diminutive form,
+would shower upon my head ten thousand _Ca's!_ as if in utter contempt of
+both me and mine. I occasionally fired a shot at them, and the only answer
+I got was a quick "_Ca-Ca!_"--as much as to say, "Try it again! Try it
+again? Who cares?"
+
+Then came the bluebird. I threw up my window amid the latter days of March,
+one sunshiny morning, and there she sat on a maple, blowing her flute.
+Banks of snow were scattered here and there, but the ground smelled moist
+and spring-like. Where did that little piece of melody come from? Where was
+she the day before? Her song was a little poem about south-west winds, and
+violets, and running brooks--perhaps she was a preacher, sent out by the
+daisies to herald their coming--perhaps her song was only a prayer--for she
+went round from place to place, on this tree and that, in her little
+cathedral, as priests do in theirs, and erected her altar, and made her
+offering. She had a great deal to say, and a great many persons and things
+to deliver her message to; for in a little while she went, rising and
+falling as though she were riding billows of air, to the roof of my
+neighbor's house, where she sang the same song again; and after thus
+spending an hour or two about the neighborhood, she crossed the river, and
+dashed into the woods.
+
+On the next morning the bluebird came again, and brought a phebe with him,
+and the two sang a kind of duet for my benefit. Their harmony was
+perfect--for "there is no discord in nature." On the following day, at
+dawn, before the sun arose, I heard the robin rolling off her mellow notes.
+I looked out and saw a little flock running along on the ground, and
+picking at the fresh earth, evidently for the purpose of determining its
+condition. This same flock, I am sure, remained upon my premises during the
+summer, and had, in fact, possession of them for many years previous. For
+they appeared every day or two, and grew more and more inquisitive, and
+examined more closely. A couple finally took possession of this tree, and a
+couple of that. They commenced "cleaning house." They flitted about from
+limb to limb, balanced themselves on the dry twigs, as if trying their
+strength and elasticity, ran themselves away down into the joints, and
+dissected the crotches, picked up and cast away the dead moss and leaves,
+and made as much bustle and stir as a woman on May-day.
+
+As I was watching a couple of them one day, while they were busy at work,
+they seemed quite annoyed at my presence. They flirted off from the tree to
+a fence near by, with a mellow cry--saying, plainly enough, as they bobbed
+around, "What! what!" "Any-thing-wrong? Any-thing-wrong?"
+"Please-go-away--ha-ha-please-go-away."
+
+Some four weeks later, these birds began to build. They went sailing
+through the air with the timbers of their castle in their mouths. This
+timber was selected with great care. Straw after straw, and sprig after
+sprig, was picked up and cast away before the right one was found. They
+remained with me during their stay north, and returned each succeeding year
+to the same tree, until the woods all about me were felled, when they
+deserted me for other quarters.
+
+April shone out at last. Away down in the wild meadows the cowslip pushed
+up its green head into the sunshine, and along the warm hill-sides the
+wind-flowers were strewn. How they came there, I cannot tell. The day
+before it was all bleak, and chilly, and flowerless there. They must have
+been scattered by the morning rays of light. A melting bank of snow
+frowned down upon them, close by. Soon the shade-tree sent out its blossoms
+of lilac, and the dog-wood burst into a pile of snow. The hard, gray,
+leafless trees stood up sternly around these first daughters of spring,
+arrayed in their garments of pomp, and looked, as well as inanimate things
+can look, jealous and uneasy. All over the aisles of the forest lay
+enormous trunks of trees, like columns about an unfinished temple, thickly
+coated with a heavy green moss; and there was a smell of bark, and swelling
+twigs, and struggling roots--such a smell as only the early spring days
+give out--as though the earth and the forest were just gaping and
+stretching with a decayed last year's breath, before rousing up to the
+duties of this.
+
+Then the rivulets began to get into tune. The one that ran tumbling through
+the woods seemed to be in a very great hurry, and shot around its islands
+of moss and promontories of tree-roots with great zeal. It had unwound from
+its reel of light and moisture a green ribbon, that lay along its shores
+miles and miles away in the wilderness; and the birds slyly bathed
+themselves in its waters; and now and then a small fish came rushing down
+with the speed of an arrow, just returning from his winter quarters to the
+river, probably to enter his name upon the great piscatorial roll
+preparatory to summer service.
+
+In a basin, just below a little fall of this brook, two or three wood-ducks
+were ploughing round and round. These wood-ducks are hermits, and secrete
+themselves in ponds and watery thickets, where silence and shadows prevail.
+On one of these mornings, ruminating on its banks, sat Venison Styles, his
+gun resting on the ground, apparently in a profound study. I looked at the
+old hunter a long time, and his figure was as fixed and immovable as if he
+were a part of the landscape, and had grown there like the trees about him.
+What can the old man be dreaming about? thought I. Perhaps he already hears
+the approaching footsteps of dancing May, her head crowned with flowers,
+and the music of the thousand birds that supported her train. It was
+already spring--summer--in his soul. He was thinking of the sports of the
+coming year, and the light and pomp of the seasons passed before his
+imagination like the gorgeous pictures of a panorama.
+
+These April days were inspiring. Occasionally a bleak squall of rain or
+snow obscured the sky, and silenced the music of Nature; but the heavens
+looked bluer, and the birds sang more lustily, after it passed away. In the
+latter part of the month the ground became settled, and the frogs, towards
+evening, and sometimes during the moist, smoky afternoons, sent up their
+melancholy wailing from the wide wastes of marsh that stretched themselves
+through the woods and along the river banks. Some of these marshes were ten
+miles long, and two or three broad; and such a concert of voices as
+congregated there was never equalled by anything else. I had, and still
+have, notions of my own about these vocalists. I am sure that they sang
+under discipline and system--that they performed on different kinds of
+instruments. Some of them seemed to be blowing a flageolet; others drew
+their bows across their violins; some played the fife; while here and there
+might be heard grum twangs, like the twanging of bass-viol strings. He who
+listened long and closely might detect delicate vibrations of almost every
+tone in art or nature. Sometimes their voices sounded like the dying echoes
+of ten thousand bells, all of a different key, yet the tangled melody was
+an entanglement of chords and discords, and it rolled away, and expired in
+waves of pure harmony; again, it was like a choir of human voices
+performing an anthem. I thought I could hear syllables, too--the
+articulation of words--something like a psalm. Then the words and sounds
+appeared to change, and, by the aid of the imagination, one would have
+supposed that the whole community were shouting--delivering political
+harangues--or that its members had got on a "bust," and were rattling off
+all kinds of nonsense in a drunken frolic.
+
+April brought with it, too, flying showers and warm sunshine. The grass
+began to wake up, and scent the air with its sweetness. Along the
+watercourses the willows unfolded their leaves; the buds swelled in the
+forests; and the tree-tops were touched with a light shade of brown, and
+then a shade of green, which grew deeper and deeper each day. Large flocks
+of pigeons darkened the air, all moving from south to north,--from whence,
+or to where, I could not tell. A company would sometimes "hold up" for an
+hour or two, to "feed and rest," like a caravan at an oasis; but they soon
+took their wings again, and pursued their journey.
+
+The tenants of the ground burst their tombs, and came up for duty. The
+gopher, and squirrel, and the ant went to work. I noticed a large community
+of ants who had commenced building a city. Their last year's metropolis was
+destroyed, and they were compelled to begin from the foundation; and such a
+stir and bustle was never exceeded. Hundreds of laborers were in the work
+up to their eyes. Here was one fellow with a grain of sand in his mouth--a
+rock to him, I suppose--climbing over twigs and dead grass, standing
+sometimes perpendicular with his load, and not unfrequently falling over
+backwards, yet struggling away, surmounting all obstacles, until he finally
+reached the place of deposit. Then there was a class of miners who shot up
+from their holes, dropped their speck of dirt, wheeled, and shot back
+again. Trains of them were continually ascending and descending. There was
+still another class--"blooded characters," most likely--possibly
+overseers--who did not do any work, but ran around from point to point, as
+if inspecting the rest, and giving to them directions. Once in a while a
+couple of workmen would run a-foul of each other, and get into a quarrel--a
+clinch--a fight--and the "tussle" lasted until they were parted. This
+colony, I will say, erected a large mound of earth in a very few
+weeks--gigantic to them as an Egyptian pyramid is to us--in which they
+lived and labored during the season.
+
+Finally, the swallows, and brown-threshers, and blackbirds, and martins
+came--not all in a body, but straggling along. The blackbirds appeared
+first, and might be seen flying about from tree to tree, and fence to
+fence, near by the upturned furrows that the ploughman had left behind him.
+Such a saucy troop of pirates as they were! Flocks of them sat about in the
+oaks, showering a host of epithets upon the said ploughman; then a dozen or
+more darted down, staggered over the ground, picked up a worm, and dashed
+away into the oaks again. They scolded, and fretted, and coaxed, and
+threatened, and nettled about like a belle of sixteen. Some of them were
+dressed in a suit of glossy black, with a neckcloth of shifting green;
+others wore red epaulets on their wings; and a flock of them, darting
+through the air, had the appearance of braided streams of fire, or
+interlaced rainbows. Towards evening they all went down among the alders
+and willows by the river, and had a long chat among themselves. They bowed,
+and twitched, and stretched down one wing, and then the other; lit upon the
+little twigs, and see-sawed as they sung, and did many other things. They
+were evidently erecting themselves into some kind of a government for the
+year--holding a caucus--perhaps an election--deposing an old monarch, or
+elevating a new; for it was easy to hear them say what they would do, and
+what they wouldn't--that is, easy for one who has studied the blackbird
+language--and sometimes an awful threat might be detected, mixed with a
+great many wheedling words and gracious postures.
+
+The brown-threshers came next, and they were just as full of chatter and
+life as they were the year before. Birds never grow old, it seems to me,
+nor have I ever been able to determine when or where they die. The hunter
+kills but a very few, and those few of a certain kind. What becomes of the
+rest? They breed every spring in great numbers; but how, when, and where do
+they die? We do not find dead birds in the woods; at any rate, very few.
+Yes, the brown threshers were as young as ever. They looked very shabby and
+mussed when I last saw them in the fall; but now their brown clothes shone
+as cleanly as a Quaker-girl's shawl. They took up Nature's music-book, and
+rattled off all the songs, and glees, and anthems in it--very often making
+a medley of it, mixing the notes of the birds that were chanting around
+all together--and they often closed the performance with an original strain
+of their own, composed on the spot.
+
+When the swallows and the martins came, I knew that spring was fully
+established. They appeared suddenly during the night; for when the May sun
+arose, they were twittering and wheeling through the air, shooting up and
+plunging down in a kind of delicious rapture. Their music was set on the
+staff of blue skies, south-west winds, and flowers. There was not a note of
+winter in it. The woods, and streams, and fields seemed to have been
+waiting for their melody, for all Nature went to work, and was soon clad in
+beauty, and light, and song.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVII.
+
+     A Railroad through Puddleford.--Effect on Squire
+     Longbow.--Bright Prospects of Puddleford.--Change.--"The
+     Styleses."--The New Justice.--Aunt Sonora's Opinions.--Ike
+     Turtle grows too.--Venison disappears from among Men.--His
+     Grave, and his Epitaph.
+
+
+Reader, I have written for you the history of a year's residence at
+Puddleford. But the place is changed now--very much changed. It is not what
+it used to be--its people, its habits, are very different. This change was
+the result of a variety of causes. The first thing that happened to it--a
+startling event it was--a railroad was built plump through its heart. It
+was a road running a great distance, and it took Puddleford in its way
+merely because it happened to fall in its line. I shall never forget Squire
+Longbow's frenzied excitement the first time the locomotive came puffing
+and whistling in. He actually lost his dignity for the moment. He ran and
+wheezed after the steam-horse like a madman, lost his green eye-shade, and
+committed a very serious breach in the rear part of his pantaloons. He did
+not venture very near the machine at first, but sheltered himself behind a
+tree, where he could watch its panting and spitting without danger.
+
+I recollect how pompously the Squire talked on this occasion. He said "all
+nater couldn't stop Puddleford having ten thousand inhabitants 'fore
+'nother census--she'd be one of the _ex_-poriums (emporiums) of the
+West--it was nothing on airth that made Greece and Rome but these great
+etarnal improvements"--and as he was a kind of oracle among a large class,
+he infused a spirit of consequence and importance into those around him
+that was quite ludicrous. Ike Turtle, Sile Bates, the Beagles, and Swipes,
+and many others, actually mounted their Sunday clothes, and wore them every
+day--but whether Ike himself was in fun or earnest, no person could tell.
+
+The building of this road was the cause of a great change certainly; yet it
+changed not the population itself, but substituted another in its stead. It
+brought in a class of persons who had money, and money is omnipotent
+everywhere. It brought different habits, thoughts, and feelings. The
+"Styles family" first purchased a large farm near the village. There was an
+air about them that fairly awed the Puddlefordians. They were petted, run
+after, imitated. One could hear nothing but "Young Mr. Styles," "Old Mr.
+Styles," "The elderly Mrs. Styles," "Miss Arabella Styles," "Miss Florinda
+Styles." Miss Florinda and Arabella wore flaring under-clothes in those
+days, and this fashion fairly upset the heads of the Puddleford ladies; and
+in less than a month I could not identify half the women of the place.
+Their shrunken forms, stuffed with skirts, were about the shape of little
+pyramids.
+
+Purchases of farms and village property went on, year after year, until
+nearly every true Puddlefordian was ousted. The place has now, like the
+snake, cast its skin; and the old pioneers, they who hewed down the
+forest, and "bore the heat and burden of the day," are living around the
+outskirts of the village, with hardly a competence, or have emigrated to
+wilds still farther west.
+
+Squire Longbow, however, still holds his own. He still lives on the old
+spot--is just as wise and happy as ever. Time has not affected his
+intellect, or impaired his self-consequence. He is no longer justice of the
+peace, but in his place we have a pert, dapper, little fellow, who wears a
+large ring on his little finger, and gives very scholastic opinions. The
+Squire professes to hold him in contempt, and says he "runs agin the
+staterts and common law mor'n half the time"--that "he don't know a _fiery
+factus_ from a common execution"--that "he never looks inter the undying
+Story for 'thority, but goes on _squashing_ papers, right straight agin the
+constitution and the _etar_nal rights of man."
+
+Aunt Sonora was dissatisfied, too, with the revolution in society. She told
+me, the last time I saw her, that Puddleford was "made up of a hull passel
+of flip-er-ter-_gib_-its, and she couldn't see what in created natur' the
+place was a-comin' to--she never see'd such works in all her born days,"
+that "the men wore broadcloth, and the women silks, and flar'd and spread
+about like pea-cocks. Nobody does nuthin'," said she. "The dear massy! They
+are getting so hoity-toity! I _do_ wonder who pays!"
+
+Ike Turtle is about the only person who has grown with the place. There was
+no such thing as keeping _him_ under. He is just as humorous as ever, but a
+little more polished. Ike says "it won't do to let his natur' out as he
+used to, when the bushes were thick, and Squire Longbow was gov'ner"--that
+"he feels himself almost a-bustin' with one of his speeches, sometimes;
+but the folks wouldn't understand him if he made it--and as for law, he'd
+gin it all up--it had got to be so nice and genteel an article, there
+warn't a grain of justis' in it--everything was 'peal'd up, and 'peal'd up,
+until both parties themselves were 'peal'd to death." Ike has turned his
+attention to land and saw-mills, and is getting rich.
+
+Poor Venison Styles! Dear old hunter! Venison is dead, and his children are
+scattered in the wilderness. He was found, one May morning, stretched out
+under a large maple, his dog and gun by his side, stiff and cold. The
+brown-threshers and bluebirds were singing merrily above him, and the
+squirrels were chattering their nonsense in the distance. His dog lay with
+his nose near his master's face, his fore paw upon his shoulder. How he
+died, no one could tell. He is buried on a bluff that overlooks the river;
+and I have fenced his grave, and erected a stone over his remains, with
+this inscription--"Nature loved him, if man did not."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII.
+
+CONCLUSION.
+
+     The Philosophy of Puddleford.--Diverse Elements in Pioneer
+     Life.--Longbow and his Administration.--Not Expensive.--Two
+     Hundred a Year, all told.--What would Chief Justice Marshall
+     have done as Justice of Puddleford?--Longbow a great
+     Man.--Fame and Politics.--Ike, a Wheel.--Puddleford
+     Theology.--Camp-Meetings.--Who will do Bigelow's Work better
+     than Bigelow?--Great Happiness, and few Nerves.--No
+     "Society."--No Fashion in Clothes, or anything
+     else.--Bull's-Eye and Pinchbeck.--The Great Trade didn't
+     "Come Off."--Abounding Charity and Hospitality.--Pilgrim
+     Blood.--Longbow's.--Planting the _Mud-Sills_.--Old
+     Associations, how Controlling!--Good by, Reader.
+
+
+Reader, I cannot dismiss Puddleford without adding a chapter in conclusion.
+The pictures I have drawn suggest to me something more. There is a
+_philosophy_ that underlies the dignity of Longbow, the humor of Turtle,
+the rough sincerity of Aunt Sonora, the stormy and eccentric eloquence of
+Bigelow. Do you not think so?
+
+Puddleford was like a thousand other new settlements--it had its green
+state to pass through; and Puddleford's pioneers were like other
+pioneers--rough, honest, hardy, strong in common sense, but weak in the
+books. It was not a perfect organization, packed beforehand with men fitted
+to all the stations of life, like Hooker and his band. But one pioneer came
+after another--and notions, creeds, and prejudices, were all tumbled in
+together. Puddleford prospered, nevertheless. Every man was right upon the
+question of civil and religious liberty. Each person brought this law with
+him, written on his soul; and, however clumsily he might give it
+expression, the law was there, and he could not rid himself of it any more
+than he could throw off his nature. If Longbow administered the details of
+jurisprudence awkwardly, Longbow was, after all, right in leading
+principles. If Longbow at times trampled down technicalities, the
+community, on the average, did not suffer. If Longbow even made a little
+law now and then, to fill a gap, it was well made, and the gap well filled.
+Longbow might as well have attempted to shave an elephant with a razor as
+to manage the raw recruits of early Puddleford with subtle distinctions;
+and, besides, Longbow, as the reader has discovered, had no knowledge of
+that kind of instrument, nor was it necessary that he should have.
+Longbow's legal rules necessarily ran on a sliding-scale, and he fitted
+them to the case in hand, not to cases in general.
+
+The reader sees, then, a necessity for such men as Longbow in such a
+community. If it is impossible to find a man capable of preparing a
+technical set of legal papers, it is important to find a man who is
+incapable or unwilling to break them down. No man ever slipped through
+Longbow's fingers upon a mere technicality.
+
+Again, Longbow's judicial duties were not expensive. An expensive judicial
+tribunal would have ruined Puddleford outright. Puddleford was not only
+obliged to use such timber as it had for public men, but the timber must
+also be cheap. Longbow was no mahogany judge, polished and wrought into
+scrolls, though there were a great many lines and angles about him. He was
+a plain piece of green-ash, strong, yet elastic enough to bend when justice
+demanded. He was not an expensive article, and therefore the interest the
+public paid upon him was small. He would sit all day, amid the war and
+tumult of contending litigants, and breast the storm of insult that was
+heaped upon him from the right and the left, for four shillings and
+sixpence. I do not mean to say that he lacked self-respect--no man
+respected himself more--but he had, somehow or somewhere, imbibed the idea
+that pettifoggers were entitled to great latitude of speech, and that he
+was _paid_ for listening to them. I have seen the Squire many a time
+passing through one of these conflicts, when _his_ name was used very
+irreverently, holding as solemn a face as that worn by a marble statue of
+Solon.
+
+Longbow's annual income amounted to about two hundred dollars a year, and
+this Puddleford could "stand." But he had many duties to perform outside of
+his office of magistrate to insure him this amount. As I have said
+elsewhere, he was the grand Puddleford umpire, and, I am very certain,
+settled more difficulties as a man than a magistrate. School and highway
+districts and officers often got twisted in a snarl, and Longbow unravelled
+the knot--right or wrong it matters not, he put a finish to the matter;
+and, _whether_ right or wrong, reader, what difference did it make so long
+as no one else knew it, and everybody had confidence? If confidence will
+sustain a bank, ought not confidence to sustain Squire Longbow?
+
+And then A.'s pigs broke into B.'s garden--A.'s line-fence stood three feet
+on B.'s land. A. swore there was a legal, lawful highway across B.'s land;
+B. swore it was no such thing, and he would shoot the first man who
+crossed it. A. called B. a thief, and B. called A. another. A. agreed to
+break up for B., but never did, because B. refused to clear his land. A.
+and B. exchanged horses; A.'s horse had the heaves, and B.'s was spavined;
+and so on, trouble after trouble, how often and many in kind I cannot say,
+Squire Longbow has brought to a compromise. These were extrajudicial
+services, and the two hundred dollars a year covered all.
+
+If it had been possible to place Chief Justice Marshall, or even a finished
+city lawyer, in the seat of Squire Longbow, how signally he must have
+failed! He would have been utterly incompetent to the task, and would have
+burned his books, and fled from the settlement under cover of night.
+Confusion is often the best manager of confusion. A clean, clear,
+analytical mind might have flashed now and then, but it could never have
+governed the storm. While our finished lawyer was playing about a refined
+distinction, Longbow would bury all distinctions "ten fathoms deep," and
+end all controversy by repeating some old saying, and dismiss the whole
+matter as summarily as the adjournment of a cause.
+
+Longbow was not only a good man, a cheap man, but he was a great man.
+Greatness is relative, not absolute. I hope my friends do not intend to
+dispute the truth of this proposition; because I have the documents to
+prove it, when officially called upon to do so. Great men are like figures
+on a thermometer--some thermometers, it is true, are much longer, and
+contain a great many more figures than others. The only question any
+ambitious man cares to ask is, how many figures there are on the scale
+above his. The Puddleford thermometer was very short, dear reader, and
+Longbow's figure was the highest. Is not this fame? Puddleford fame, say
+you? Puddleford fame, indeed! It will outlast, I will wager my old hat, the
+fame of nine tenths of the members of Congress, who have for the last ten
+years blown themselves hoarse making speeches to their outraged and
+indignant constituency. Why, Longbow's name will be remembered in
+Puddleford years after his death; and how many names can you repeat of
+those who strutted through the last Congress, or how many of the members
+for your own district for the last thirty years? Fame, indeed! But I do not
+wish to quarrel about so fleeting a thing as fame, and I will, therefore,
+dismiss that subject.
+
+The politics of Puddleford were a little ridiculous; but Turtle's political
+fun was used by him as a means to carry out an end. Turtle's patriotism and
+Turtle's principles were beyond suspicion. Reader, there is no spot of
+American soil more truly patriotic than Puddleford. There are no great
+depositories--no central heart--in this country, from which American
+principles flow; every _man_ is a centre, a law unto himself. Ike Turtle
+was a centre; he was a kind of political wheel; ran on his own axis;
+borrowed no propelling power from abroad, but kept himself whirling with
+the spirit of '76, of which he had always a large supply on hand. He
+reminded me of a fire-wheel, used on celebration days, he cast off so many
+colored lights: now he whizzed; then he banged; now he shot forth stars;
+then spears of flame; but he was still a wheel, and always set himself in
+motion to some purpose.
+
+What shall I say of the theology of Puddleford? I have already alluded to
+it in the pages of this work. Permit me to say more. Creeds travel with
+men wherever they go. Creeds often colonize the wilderness; they have
+nerved more hearts, stirred and sustained more souls, scattered more
+civilization, than any or all other agents. But Puddleford was not settled
+by any particular idea, civil or religious; yet the Puddlefordians brought
+with them a great many ideas, both civil and religious. They were, however,
+incidental, not primary. The religious exercises of the country were like
+its people, ardent, strong, fiery, and often tempestuous. Bigelow Van Slyck
+was an embodiment of Puddleford theology. He did not argue doctrine, for
+two reasons: he did not know how, and he would not if he could; but, to use
+his own language, "he took sin by the horns, and held it by main force."
+
+A quiet religion with a Puddlefordian was synonymous with no religion.
+Religion with him was something to be seen, to touch, to handle. Puddleford
+religion was often very noisy, and it manifested itself in many ways. We
+used to have an outburst at camp-meeting, which was held once in each year
+by the prevailing sect in the country. A camp-meeting! The reader has
+attended a camp-meeting, I know; but _we_ had the genuine kind. Puddleford
+was depopulated on such occasions; and its inhabitants, supplied with the
+necessaries of life and a tent, went forth into the wilderness to give a
+high tone to their piety. They wanted air, and space, and time. All this
+was characteristic, and was like the people. What would _they_ have done
+inside a temple of springing arches and fretted dome--of statues looking
+coldly down from their niches--of pictured saints--where organ anthems
+rolled and trembled?
+
+What to the Puddlefordians were the refinements of religious exercises? The
+wild wood was their "temple not made with hands," columned, and curtained,
+and festooned, and lit up by the sun at day, and the stars at night; and
+here, in this temple, day after day, the people camped; in the more
+immediate presence of the Most High built their watch-fires, that sent up
+long streams of smoke over the green canopy that sheltered them, and knelt
+down to pray.
+
+The theology of Puddleford was brought out in strong relief at these
+meetings. They were business gatherings. The trials and crosses of every
+member were freely canvassed, and consolation administered. The "inner
+life" of each individual was thoroughly dissected--the spiritual condition
+of the vineyard in general carefully examined; sermons preached strong
+enough, both in voice and expression, to raise the dead; money was
+collected for benevolent purposes, and many more duties performed, which I
+cannot stop to mention.
+
+The reader sees that these men and women were laying the foundation timbers
+of many sects that must follow them--follow them with their houses of
+worship, their intelligence, their refinement, and, I may say, their
+theological abstractions, their shadows, and shades, and points of
+distinction. Who is there that could do Bigelow's work better than he? Who
+is there that will ever toil and sweat more hours in his Master's vineyard?
+And to whom will the posterity of Puddleford be more indebted?
+
+But, to drop the leading characters of Puddleford, let us go down a while
+among the rank and file; let us examine _their_ condition. And here I may
+get into trouble. Comparisons are said to be odious. I do not know who
+said it, nor do I care; the motive which one has in view must determine the
+truth of the remark. There was a vast deal of happiness in Puddleford. I do
+not now remember one nervous woman in the place. Think of that. If
+refinement brings its joys, it often covers a delicate, sensitive nature;
+but there was nobody delicate or sensitive at Puddleford; nobody went into
+fits because a rat crossed the floor, or a spider swung itself down in
+their way. The evening air was never too damp, nor the morning sun too
+oppressive. Labor made the people hardy, and an over-taxed brain hatched no
+bugbears. I verily believe the nightmare was never known. There were no
+persons tired of time--not that they had so much to do--but they were all
+contented with time and things as they were.
+
+You have discovered that there was no society in Puddleford; and when I say
+SOCIETY, I do not mean that there was no social intercourse, but society
+organized and governed by rules and regulations. Here was another blessing.
+Aunt Sonora never got into hysterics because Mrs. Beagles had not called on
+her for three weeks. Aunt Sonora would say, that "Mrs. Beagles might stay
+to hum as long as she was a min-ter." Aunt Sonora never worked herself up
+into a frustration because her gingerbread didn't rise when Squire Longbow
+took tea with her; but she just told the Squire, "he'd got-ter go it heavy,
+or go without." And then Aunt Sonora was under no obligation to make
+fashionable calls; she was not a fashionable lady; there was no fashion to
+call on. She did not go around and throw in a little very cold respect into
+her neighbor's parlor, because there were no parlors in Puddleford, and
+Aunt Sonora couldn't for the life of her do a formal thing if there had
+been. If she wanted to "blow out agin' any one," to use her language, why,
+she blew out, and in their faces, too, because the rules of her society had
+not taught her hypocrisy.
+
+There was another blessing. Puddlefordians were not continually tempted to
+covet some new thing of their neighbors. A new bonnet now and then raised a
+breeze; but no one was under any obligation to purchase a similar one. In
+other words, the laws of society did not dictate what one should wear. Aunt
+Sonora had worn her old plaid cloak for twenty years, and yet remained in
+society. Mrs. Beagle's "Leghorn," which looked something like a corn-fan,
+and came into the country with her, was orthodox. Turtle had a pair of
+breeches old enough in all conscience, the legs cut off above the knees,
+and turned, as he said, "hind side afore, to hide the holes in front,"
+which pettifogged as well as when they were new. Squire Longbow wore the
+same clouded-blue stockings that he did when first elected magistrate; but
+Mrs. Longbow had ravelled them up several times, and "footed them over." I
+dislike, reader, to go into particulars, and thus expose the wardrobe of
+the Puddlefordians, but I cannot express myself clearly on so important a
+point in any other way; and I promised at the commencement of this sketch
+to make it philosophical.
+
+I do not know how the reader will look on the blessings which I have just
+enumerated. He may be a leader of fashion; the shade and tie of his
+neckcloth may be as weighty and important a matter with him as his
+reputation. He may be one of those who religiously believe that a man, at
+a party, without a white vest, is no gentleman, and ought forthwith to be
+kicked, in a genteel way, headlong into the street. He may think it vulgar
+to laugh, and that no smile but a fashionable smile should be tolerated. He
+_may_, I say--and may think me an ----. But just pause a moment. I am only
+writing the history of Puddleford, my friend; and, besides, just sit down
+coolly, and think of the luxury there must be in sojourning at a place
+where one can wear his old clothes year in and year out, preserve public
+respect, and cut and turn his breeches at that!
+
+The household furniture of the Puddlefordians was always in fashion; in
+fact, there was a remarkable uniformity in this respect in all the cabins
+in the settlement. The white-wood table, wooden chairs, the dozen cups and
+saucers, the cook-stove and its furniture, bed and bedding, comprised the
+stock of nearly every family. Turtle often said that the people "didn't
+have as much furniter as the law allow'd 'em, and the state had got-ter
+make it up." It is discovered that this equality was productive of
+beneficial results. It was not possible for one Puddlefordian to envy
+another Puddlefordian. There was no fancy hundred-dollar rocking-chair
+exhibited to throw any one into spasms; there were no pianos bewitching the
+souls and purses of the community. (Reader, _I_ have no spite against
+pianos.) Why, in short, there was not anything there that was not there
+when the pioneers first planted themselves on the soil. I recollect that
+Sile Bates owned a pinchbeck watch, and Squire Longbow was the proprietor
+of a "bull's-eye," and they were both wonders. The Squire and Sile once
+attempted an exchange of these articles, and the transaction was so
+momentous that all Puddleford was kept in excitement for three weeks. The
+bargain was as important and solemn as a treaty between two high
+contracting powers. There was one point in the trade that was positively
+exciting. Sile had offered five dollars to boot, payable in saw-logs (no
+person paid money at Puddleford, unless by special agreement, "'fore
+witness"), and here the parties "hung fire" for several days. Turtle said
+the Squire "orter to strike;" Beagles said, "he'd get skin'd if he did;"
+Bulliphant said, "the pinchbeck was worn out;" Aunt Sonora said, her
+husband "tell'd her, that a man tell'd him, that he know'd Longbow's
+bull's-eye forty years afore, and it could scase tick then;" and much more
+was said; but, alas! the trade, to use Ike's language, "fizzled out," and
+Puddleford settled down again into its usual tranquillity.
+
+The philosophy of this attempted bargain is clear enough. There was nothing
+in Puddleford to excite envy. What there was, was old; no new thing was
+thrown in to tantalize. Longbow, it is true, once ventured upon a carpet,
+but, as he was a magistrate, the enterprise was deemed very proper. Do you
+not agree with me, that Puddleford had its blessings? Does not poverty
+often "bring healing on its wings"? How many are there in the world that
+would gladly flee from the chains of society, even to Puddleford, willing
+to fling themselves in some just such by-place of the world, where they
+could sit down perfectly independent, and take "their own ease in their own
+inn?" How many, reader?
+
+I must not forget the charity of the Puddlefordians. Charity and
+hospitality are distinguishing characteristics of western people. However
+violent feuds might rage, suffering and want were relieved, so far as
+there was an ability to do it. I have seen another kind of charity, a
+fashionable article, used according to the laws of etiquette, and not
+according to the laws of heartfelt sympathy. I do not know that any person
+was ever neglected in Puddleford because he or she did not belong to a
+particular church. Mrs. A. never refused to assist Mrs. B. in sickness,
+because she and Mrs. B. did not visit, or because she did not know Mrs. B.
+(That word, don't "_know_," in finished society, simply means, reader, that
+the person holds no intercourse.) But everybody _did_ know everybody in
+Puddleford; and when one of the number was stricken down by affliction, the
+remainder all "turned in," and "put their shoulders to the wheel." Why,
+bless you, reader, you ought to witness an eruption of Puddleford sympathy.
+You ought to see Aunt Sonora, with her apron loaded with boneset, sage, and
+a pail filled with gruel, hurrying along "for dear life," to relieve the
+distressed--Mrs. Swipes, with a little mustard, or a bit of "jel"; Mrs.
+Beagles, Aunt Graves, and Sister Abigail, with something else. Is not this
+something?
+
+I must, however, draw my "Conclusion" to a close. Permit me to do it
+gradually, as I have a word or two more to say, and I may never have
+another opportunity. The reader has, by this time, become quite intimate
+with the leading characters of Puddleford, and says, perhaps, "A queer
+compound." But do you know, reader, that Longbow, and Turtle, and I do not
+know how many more, trace their blood directly back to the Pilgrims? It is
+"as true as fate." And how they have become so metamorphosed is the
+question. Puddleford stock was, much of it, Puritan stock. Those old
+stalwart heroes, whose hearts were a living coal; whose wills, granite;
+whose home, heaven; who "walked by faith, not by sight;" before whose eyes
+moved "the cloud by day, and the pillar of fire by night;" who heard voices
+all around them, such as haunted John on the Isle of Patmos, are the
+progenitors of Longbow and Turtle. What a country is this of ours, to have
+worked such results!
+
+But I learned, upon inquiry, that Longbow's blood had experienced a very
+serious pilgrimage since its departure from its New England head. It had
+been mixed with Irish, and Scotch, and English, and German. In reality, the
+Squire was a kind of "compound" of all nations, as most Americans are. If
+it were possible to introduce Captain Standish, the military hero of 1620,
+or Bradford, or Winslow, to Squire Longbow, they would look as wildly at
+him as the boys did at poor Rip Van Winkle after his long sleep on the
+mountain. I am sure they would not be able to detect any resemblance to the
+Mayflower. They would find the Squire a little the worse for wear--ignorant
+in spiritual matters--discover that his psalm-book was lost, and he as
+blind as a beetle in the New-England catechism. But, after all, if they
+probed him deep, they would strike much, very much, of the old stuff,
+living and burning yet.
+
+The Squire's Pilgrim blood, too, had filled nearly all occupations in life.
+It had been a sailor--the master of a vessel--a merchant--fought in the
+Revolution--a preacher once, and once a lawyer. These facts I procured from
+the Squire for my special use, and they may be relied upon. And now that
+same blood was doing service at Puddleford as a magistrate. Whether blood
+changes occupation, or occupation blood, is a physiological question that I
+do not intend to debate. But that one can be surprised at any exhibition of
+American character, after looking into the crosses and counter-crosses of
+blood, is marvellous.
+
+Here is a sample of Puddleford blood, and such is the blood of many western
+pioneers. How much the world is indebted to the pioneer! He lays the
+foundation, let build who may. I regret the necessity of perpetrating a
+ridiculous figure, but I cannot help it: he plants deep the _mud-sills_ of
+empire, amid toil, and sweat, and groans, poverty and disease. The
+superstructure is always reared by other hands. The columns and capitals
+are the product of wealth and taste. How few of them reap the harvest,
+their cabins, now standing deserted and silent, and strewn thousands of
+miles over the West and North-west, abundantly testify.
+
+The pioneer severs all connection between himself and the past when he
+enters upon his work. I have already remarked that Puddleford had no past.
+He breaks all local ties, and snaps in twain the golden threads that link
+him to his home. The caravan that winds away from the old hearth-stone,
+where the first kiss was imprinted, the first prayer offered, where the
+winter cricket sang as the tempest roared without, and devotes itself to a
+wilderness, leaves behind what can never be found again. The barefooted
+striplings who gambol with it--the immortal seed to be sown, and to
+sow--from whose loins giants in thought, word, and action will spring--"may
+forget," and themselves become new centres of new associations--but men and
+women never.
+
+What constitutes a man?--a nation? Inhabitants only? The songs of a people
+stir them up to revolution--and what are they but the glowing language of
+the associations of the soul? What is Bannockburn to a savage? A plain,
+over which the winds blow and the thistles gather. What to a Scotchman? A
+living, breathing host! What to the pioneer is the memory of that church
+steeple that flung its long shadow over his boyhood, around whose vane the
+swallows whirled, and the evening sun lingered?--that bell that swung high
+therein?--the torrent that roared through his early years, and wove its
+music into his very being?--the lone cliff, where the cloud slept and the
+eagle rested? These all are a part of the man himself; and when he is torn
+from them, his very nature receives a shock, and he has lost, he hardly
+knows how or where, a portion of his very existence.
+
+Reader, you and I must part. How I ever happened to write the history of
+Puddleford is more than I can say. I have more than once been frightened at
+my impudence. In all probability you will never hear of me again in
+print--and, before we separate, reach me your hand--(if it is a lady's, it
+is all the better)--"Good by to you, my friend;" and if you should stray
+into Puddleford, I will set apart an hour, and give you an introduction to
+Squire Longbow--an honor to which, I am very sure, you cannot be insensible
+or indifferent.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Puddleford Papers,, by H. H. Riley
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+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #36678 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/36678)