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diff --git a/36678.txt b/36678.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..43c67a9 --- /dev/null +++ b/36678.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11253 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Puddleford Papers,, by H. H. Riley + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Puddleford Papers, + Or Humors of the West + +Author: H. H. Riley + +Release Date: July 10, 2011 [EBook #36678] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE PUDDLEFORD PAPERS, *** + + + + +Produced by Emmy, Darleen Dove, Josephine Paolucci and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net. +(This file was produced from images generously made +available by The Internet Archive.) + + + + + + +[Illustration: IKE TURTLE AND AUNT GRAVES. + +"Marry? _Me_ marry--marry a man--a great, awful man!"--Page 160.] + + + + +THE PUDDLEFORD PAPERS; + +OR, + +HUMORS OF THE WEST. + +BY H. H. RILEY. + +_WITH ORIGINAL ILLUSTRATIONS._ + +BOSTON: +LEE AND SHEPARD, PUBLISHERS. + +NEW YORK: +LEE, SHEPARD AND DILLINGHAM. + +1875. + + +Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1874, + +BY LEE AND SHEPARD, + +In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington. + +Stereotyped at the Boston Stereotype Foundry, +No. 19 Spring Lane. + + + + +PREFACE. + + +Everybody who writes a book, is expected to introduce it with a preface; to +hang out a sign, the more captivating the better, informing the public what +kind of entertainment may be expected within. I am very sorry that I am +obliged to say that many a one has been wofully deceived by these outside +proclamations, and some one may be again. + +I am unable to apologize to the public for inflicting this work upon it. It +was not through "the entreaty of friends" that it was written. It is not +the "outpourings of a delicate constitution." (I weigh one hundred and +sixty pounds.) I was not driven into it "by a predestination to write, +which was beyond my control." It is not "offered for the benefit of a few +near relatives, who have insisted upon seeing it in print;" nor do I expect +the public will tolerate it simply out of regard to my feelings, if their +own feelings are not enlisted in its favor. + +The book is filled with portraits of Puddleford and the Puddlefordians. +The reader may never have seen the portrait of a genuine Puddlefordian. +Bless me, how much that man has lost! If the reader does not like the +painting after he _has_ seen it, I cannot help it; it may be the fault of +the original, or it may be from a want of skill in the painter. + +Like the carrier-pigeon, let it go, to return with glad tidings, or none at +all. + + + + +PREFACE TO THE THIRD EDITION. + + +Many years have passed since Puddleford was first published. In the +meanwhile the world has turned round and round, and so has Puddleford. The +book, too, has been growing in size, from time to time, and some new +"matter" has been now introduced. + +The object of the book was not merely humor. It was hoped by the author +that the reader would discover an undercurrent, showing strong points of +human nature in the rough, and how at last the rugged rock becomes rounded +and polished into the smooth stone--the iron cleaver turned into the +tempered sword. How stern, honest men, who are driven to grapple and +struggle with the hardships of a new country, meet and dispose of them in +an irregular and home-made way, by striking at the root of the question, +disregarding mere form. How the foundation of law, religion, and order is +laid in strength, if not in beauty. How other generations build thereon the +temple with its pillars and spire. + +I cannot attempt to describe the Puddleford of to-day. Ike Turtle is old +and gray, but his children hold high positions in society and state. Some +of them have Ike's thorny, sharp genius, but toned down by education and +cultivation into method and power. Squire Longbow totters around on his +staff, tries over his old cases with anybody who will listen to him, +repeats his decisions of fifteen years ago, quotes Ike's jokes, and sums up +all the testimony for the fortieth time to his weary listeners. Aunt Sonora +has gone to her reward. Other courts are held in Puddleford now. +Technicalities are observed. Law is law. How much more justice is +administered, it is not for me to say. + +The book is once more before the public. The public have received it in the +past quite as well as it deserved, perhaps. Its future is now committed to +the public again. + + H. H. R. + + SEPTEMBER 8, 1874. + + + + +CONTENTS. + + +CHAPTER I. PAGE + + Puddleford.--Eagle Tavern.--Mr. and Mrs. Bulliphant.--May + Morning.--Birds.--Venison Styles.--General Character of + Society.--The Colonel.--Venison Styles's Cabin. 17 + + +CHAPTER II. + + Lawsuit: Filkins against Beadle.--Squire Longbow and his + Court.--Puddleford assembled.--Why Squire Longbow was a + Great Man.--Ike Turtle and Sile Bates, Pettifoggers.--Mrs. + Sonora Brown.--Uproar and Legal Opinions.--Seth + Bolles.--Miss Eunice Grimes.--Argument to Jury, and Verdict. 34 + + +CHAPTER III. + + Wanderings in the Wilderness.--A Bee-Hunt.--Sunrise.--The + Fox-Squirrel.--The Blue-Jay.--The Gopher.--The + Partridges.--Wild Geese, Ducks, and Cranes.--Blackbirds and + Meadow-Larks.--Venison's Account of the Bees' Domestic + Economy.--How Venison found what he was in Search of.--Honey + secured.--After-Reflections. 54 + + +CHAPTER IV. + + The Log-Chapel.--Father Beals.--Aunt Graves.--Sister + Abigail.--Bigelow Van Slyck, the Preacher.--His + Entree.--How he worked.--One of his Sermons.--Performance + of the Choir.--"Coronation" achieved.--Getting into + Position.--Personal Appeals.--Effect on the + Congregation.--Sabbath in the Wilderness.--Is Bigelow the + only Ridiculous Preacher? 66 + + +CHAPTER V. + + Indian Summer.--Venison Styles again.--Jim Buzzard.--Fishing + Excursion.--Muskrat City.--Indian Burying-Ground.--The + Pickerel and the Rest of the Fishes.--The Prairie.--Wild + Geese.--The Old Mound.--Venison's Regrets at the + degenerating Times.--His Luck, and Mine.--Reminiscences of + the Beavers.--Camping out.--Safe Return. 81 + + +CHAPTER VI. + + Educational Efforts.--Squire Longbow's "Notis."--"The + Saterday Nite."--Ike and the Squire.--Various Remarks to the + Point.--Mrs. Fizzle and the Temperance Question.--Collection + taken.--General Result. 96 + + +CHAPTER VII. + + Social War.--Longbow, Turtle & Co.--Bird, Swipes, Beagle & + Co.--Mrs. Bird.--Mrs. Beagle.--Mrs. Swipes.--Turkey and + Aristocracy.--Scandal.--Husking-Bees, and "such like."--The + Calathumpian Band.--The Horse-Fiddle.--The Giant + Trombone.--The Gyastacutas.--Tuning up.--Unparalleled + Effort.--Puddleford still a Representative Place. 105 + + +CHAPTER VIII. + + Puddleford and Politics.--Higgins against Wiggins.--The + Candidates' Personale.--Their Platforms.--Delicate + Questions.--Stump Speaking.--Wiggins on + Higgins.--Impertinent Interruptions.--Higgins on + Wiggins.--Ike Turtle not dead yet.--Commotion.--Squire + Longbow restores Order.--Grand Stroke of Policy.--The Roast + Ox at Gillett's Corners. 115 + + +CHAPTER IX. + + Winter upon us.--The Roosters in the early Morning.--The + Blue-Jays and the Squirrels.--The Improvident Turkey.--The + Domestic Hearth, and who occupied it.--The Old Dog.--The + Blessed Old Mail-Horse.--The Newspapers.--Our + Come-to-Tea.--Mrs. Brown, her Arrival and + Experiences.--Entree of Bird, Beagles & Co.--Conflicting + Elements, and how Ike Turtle assimilated all.--Gratifying + Consequences. 128 + + +CHAPTER X. + + Mrs. Longbow taken sick.--General Interest.--Dr. + Teazle.--His Visit.--"The Rattles."--Scientific + Diagnosis.--A Prescription.--Short and Dr. Dobbs.--"Pantod + of the Heart."--Dismissal of Teazle.--Installation of + Dobbs.--"Scyller and Chara_bi_des."--Ike's Views.--The + Colonel's.--Bates's.--Mrs. Longbow dies.--Who killed her: + conflicting Opinions.--Her Funeral.--Bigelow Van Slyck's + Sermon.--Interment. 148 + + +CHAPTER XI. + + Squire Longbow in Mourning.--The Great Question.--Aunt + Sonora's Opinion.--Other People's.--The Squire goes to + Church.--His Appearance on that Occasion.--Aunt Graves, and + her Extra Performance.--"Nux Vomica."--Anxious + Mothers.--Mary Jane Arabella Swipes.--Sister Abigail.--Ike + Turtle, and his Designs.--He calls on Aunt Graves.--She'll + go it.--Sister Abigail's Objection.--The Squire's First Love + Letter.--The Wedding.--Great Getting-up.--Turtle's + Examination.--The Squire runs the Risk of "the + Staterts."--Bigelow's Ceremony.--General Break-Down.--Not + _very_ Drunk. 156 + + +CHAPTER XII. + + The Group at "The Eagle."--Entree of a Stranger.--His + Opinion of the Tavern.--Bulliphant wakes up.--Can't pick + Fowls after Dark.--Sad Case of Mother Gantlet and Dr. + Teazle.--Mr. Farindale begins to unbend.--Whistle & Sharp, + and their Attorney.--Good Pay.--Legal Conversation.--Going + Sniping.--Great Description of the Animal.--The Party start, + Farindale holding the Bag.--"Waiting for + Snipe."--Farindale's Solitary Return.--His Interview with + Whistle & Sharp.--Suing a Puddleford Firm.--Relief + Laws.--Farindale gets his Execution.--The Puddleford + Bank.--The Appraisers.--Proceeds of the Execution. 166 + + +CHAPTER XIII. + + The "Fev-Nag."--Conflicting Theories.--"Oxergin and + Hydergin."--Teazle's Rationale.--The Scourge of the + West.--Sile Bates, and his Condition.--Squire Longbow and + Jim Buzzard.--Puddleford prostrate.--Various + Practitioners.--"The Billerous Duck."--Pioneer + Martyrs.--Wave over Wave. 182 + + +CHAPTER XIV. + + Uncommonly Common Schools.--Annual School District + Meeting.--Accounts for Contingent Expenses.--Turtle and Old + Gulick's Boy.--"That are Glass."--The Colonel starts the + Wheels again.--Bulliphant's Tactics.--Have we hired "Deacon + Fluett's Darter," or not?--Isabel Strickett.--Bunker Hill + and Turkey.--Sah-Jane Beagles.--The Question settled. 190 + + +CHAPTER XV. + + Venison Styles again.--Sermon on Nature.--Funeral Songs of + the Birds.--Their Flight and Return.--His Theory of + Government.--Sakoset.--The Indians. 198 + + +CHAPTER XVI. + + Some Account of John Smith.--Nicknames.--Progress of the + Age.--The Colonel's Opinion of Science.--John Smith's + Dream.--Ike Turtle's Dream.--Ike takes the Boots. 206 + + +CHAPTER XVII. + + Ike Turtle in his Office.--The Author consults him on Point + of Law.--Taxes of Non-Residents.--Law in Puddleford.--Mr. + Bridget's Case.--Legal Discussion.--The Case settled. 222 + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + + The Wilderness around Puddleford.--The Rivers and the + Forests.--Suggestions of Old Times.--Footprints of the + Jesuits.--Vine-covered Mounds.--Visit to the Forest.--The + Early Frost.--The Forest Clock.--The Woodland Harvest.--The + Last Flowers.--Nature sowing her Seed.--The Squirrel in the + Hickory.--Pigeons, their Ways and their Haunts.--The + Butterflies and the Bullfrog.--Nature and her Sermons.--Her + Temple still open, but the High-priest gone. 230 + + +CHAPTER XIX. + + The Old New England Home.--The Sheltered Village.--The + Ancient Buildings.--Dormer Windows.--An Old Puritanical + Home.--The Old Puritan Church.--The Burying-Ground.--Deacon + Smith, his Habits and his Helpers.--Major Simeon Giles, his + Mansion and his Ancestry.--Old Doctor Styles.--Crapo + Jackson, the Sexton.--"Training Days."--Militia + Dignitaries.--Major Boles.--Major General + Peabody.--Preparations and Achievements.--Demolition of an + Apple Cart.--"Shoulder Arms!"--Colonel Asher Peabody.--The + Boys, and their World.--My Last Look at my Native Village. 239 + + +CHAPTER XX. + + First Militia Law in Puddleford.--Aunt Sonora opposed to + it.--Turtle sets her right.--Meeting to choose + Officers.--Longbow electioneers for Captain: takes the + Chair.--Turtle objects.--P'ints of Order.--_Vivy Vocy_ Vote + won't do.--Legally authorized Boxes must be had.--Longbow's + Speech.--Turtle fined for Contempt.--Longbow elected + Captain.--Great Military Turn-out.--Company turn a Circle; + Break down.--Turn an Angle; Break down again.--Address to + Troops.--Adjourn _sine die_. 256 + + +CHAPTER XXI. + + Mrs. Bird gets in a Rage.--Starve a Child.--Mrs. Bird blows + off at Mrs. Beagle.--Takes Breath.--Blows off again.--Mrs. + Beagle gives a Piece of her Mind.--Aunt Sonora drops + in.--She has no Faith in Second Wives.--All adjourn to the + House of Mrs. Swipes.--General Fight of Tongues.--Mrs. + Swipes gives her Opinion.--A Dead Set by all upon Mrs. + Longbow.--Mrs. Longbow raps at the Door.--The Scene + changes.--Final Wind-up. 272 + + +CHAPTER XXII. + + Appeal of Case Filkins _vs._ Beadle.--Turtle's Affidavit and + "P'ints."--Longbow's Return.--County Court.--Turtle opens + his Law "P'ints."--Bates replies.--A Fight.--Collateral + Ish-ers.--Squire Longbow present.--The Court sustains Squire + Longbow.--Turtle gets into a Passion.--Impanelling the + Jury.--Mr. Buzzlebaum leaves.--Mr. Tumbleton upsets + Ike.--Mr. Flummer is cut short bob off.--Ike opens to the + Jury.--The Trial.--Charge of the Court.--Jury retire.--Can't + agree. 284 + + +CHAPTER XXIII. + + Amusements in Puddleford.--The Highland Fling.--A Fire-eater + comes next.--Runs a Sword down his Throat.--Starts his + Ribbon Factory.--Borrows Squire Longbow's Hat.--Boils Eggs + in it.--The Squire gets into a Passion.--The Grand Caravan + is posted.--Squire Longbow lectures on the Lion.--Bigelow + Van Slyck follows on the Ichneumon.--The Caravan + arrives.--Great Excitement.--Jim Buzzard still + himself.--Aunt Sonora in Trouble.--The Band blows away.--The + Canvas is raised.--Terrible Press of Puddlefordians.--The + Keeper shows up the Lion.--Explains why he has no Hair.--The + Ichneumon is found at last.--The Monkey Ride.--Breaking up. 309 + + +CHAPTER XXIV. + + The Tinkhams arrive.--Great Stir.--Miss Lavinia Longbow's + Head is turned.--Everybody in Love with the Tinkhams.--Wind + changes.--The Tinkhams fall.--The whole Pack out on + them.--They abandon the Settlement. 337 + + +CHAPTER XXV. + + And still New England.--Sui Generis.--Her Ruggedness the + Soil of Liberty.--The Contrast.--The New England + Conservative.--The New England Man of Business.--The West + has no Past.--_Fast_, and Hospitable.--Saxon Blood and Saxon + Spirit. 346 + + +CHAPTER XXVI. + + Spring at the West.--"Sugar Days."--Performances of the + Cattle.--April.--Advent of the Blue-Jays and the Crows.--The + Bluebirds, Phebes, and Robins.--April and its Inspiring + Days.--The Frogs and their Concerts.--Gophers, Squirrels, + Ants; Swallows, Brown-Threshers, and Blackbirds.--The + Swallows, the Martins, and the Advent of May. 357 + + +CHAPTER XXVII. + + A Railroad through Puddleford.--The Effect on Squire + Longbow.--Bright Prospects of Puddleford.--Change.--"The + Styleses."--The New Justice.--Aunt Sonora's Opinions.--Ike + Turtle grows too.--Venison disappears from among Men.--His + Grave and his Epitaph. 368 + + +CHAPTER XXVIII. + + CONCLUSION.--The Philosophy of Puddleford.--Diverse Elements + in Pioneer Life.--Longbow and his Administration.--Not + Expensive.--Two Hundred a Year, all told.--What would Chief + Justice Marshall have done as Justice of + Puddleford?--Longbow a great Man.--Fame and Politics.--Ike, + a Wheel.--Puddleford Theology.--Camp-Meetings.--Who will do + Bigelow's Work better than Bigelow?--Great Happiness, and + few Nerves.--No "Society."--No Fashion in Clothes, or + anything else.--Bull's-Eye and Pinchbeck.--The Great Trade + didn't "Come Off."--Abounding Charity and + Hospitality.--Pilgrim Blood.--Longbow's.--Planting the + _Mud-Sills_.--Old Associations, how Controlling!--Good by, + Reader. 372 + + + + +THE PUDDLEFORD PAPERS. + + + + +CHAPTER I. + + Puddleford.--Eagle Tavern.--Mr. and Mrs. Bulliphant.--May + Morning.--Birds.--Venison Styles.--General Character of + Society.--The Colonel.--Venison Styles' Cabin. + + +The township of Puddleford was located in the far west, and was, and is, +unknown, I presume, to a large portion of my readers. It has never been +considered of sufficient importance by atlas-makers to be designated by +them; and yet men, women, and children live and die in Puddleford. Its +population helps make up the census of the United States every ten years; +it helps make governors, congressmen, presidents. Puddleford does, and +fails to do, a great many things, just like the "rest of mankind," and yet +who knows and cares anything about Puddleford? + +Puddleford was well enough as a township of land, and beautiful was its +scenery. It was spotted with bright, clear lakes, reflecting the trees that +stooped over them; and straight through its centre flowed a majestic river, +guarded by hills on either side. The village of Puddleford (there was a +village of Puddleford, too) stood huddled in a gorge that opened up from +the river; and through it, day and night, a little brook ran tinkling +along, making music around the "settlement." The houses in Puddleford were +very shabby indeed; I am very sorry to be compelled to make that fact +public, but they were very shabby. Some were built of logs, and some of +boards, and some were never exactly built at all, but came together through +a combination of circumstances which the "oldest inhabitant" has never been +able to explain. The log-houses were just like log-houses in every place +else; for no person has yet been found with impudence enough to suggest an +improvement. A pile of logs, laid up and packed in mud; a mammoth +fireplace, with a chimney-throat as large; a lower story and a garret, +connected in one corner by a ladder, called "Jacob's ladder," are its +essentials. A few very ambitious persons in Puddleford had, it is true, +attempted to build frame-houses, but there was never one entirely finished +yet. Some of them had erected a frame only, when, their purses having +failed, the enterprise was left at the mercy of the storms. Others had +covered their frames; and one citizen, old Squire Longbow, had actually +finished off two rooms; and this, in connection with the office of justice +of the peace, gave him a standing and influence in the settlement almost +omnipotent. + +The reader discovers, of course, that Puddleford was a very +miscellaneous-looking place. It appeared unfinished, and ever likely to be. +It did really seem that the houses, and cabins, and sheds, and pig-sties, +had been sown up and down the gorge, as their owners sowed wheat. The only +harmony about the place was the harmony of confusion. + +Puddleford had a population made up of all sorts of people, who had been, +from a variety of causes, thrown together just there; and every person +owned a number of dogs, so that it was very difficult to determine which +were numerically the strongest, the inhabitants or the dogs. There were +great droves of cows owned, too, which were in the habit of congregating +every morning, and marching some miles to a distant marsh to feed to the +jingle of the bells they wore on their necks. + +There was one public house at Puddleford. It was built of logs, with a long +stoop running along its whole front, supported by trunks of trees roughly +cut from the woods, and bark and knots were preserved in the full strength +and simplicity of nature. Its bar-room was the resort of all the leading +men of Puddleford, besides several ragged boys and these self-same dogs. It +stood in the centre of the village, and announced itself to the public +through a sign, upon which were painted a cock crowing and a spread eagle. +The bar was fenced off in one corner of the room, and was supplied with +three bottles of whiskey, called, according to their color, brandy, rum, +and gin; but fly-tracks and dust had so completely covered them, that the +kind of liquor was determined by the pledge of the landlord, that always +passed current. There were also about a dozen mouldy crackers laid away on +the shelf in a discarded cigar-box, intended more particularly for the +travelling public. The walls of the bar-room were illuminated by a large +menagerie advertisement, which was the only real display of the fine arts +that ever entered the place. Upon a table, near the centre of the room, +stood a backgammon and checker-board, which were in use from the rising +sun to midnight. Pipes, crusted thick with soot, lay scattered about on the +window-stools and chimney-shelf--old stubs that had seen service--and all +over the floor rolled great quids of tobacco, ancient and modern, the +creatures of yesterday and years ago; for the floor of the "Eagle +Tavern"--such it was called--of Puddleford was never profaned by a broom, +nor its windows with water. He who attempted to look out would have +supposed there was an eternal fog in the streets. + +The ladies' parlor, belonging to the Eagle Tavern of Puddleford, was a very +choice spot, and had been fitted up without regard to expense. Its floor +was covered with a faded rag-carpet, and its walls were enlivened with a +shilling print, showing forth Noah's Ark, and the animals entering therein. +Any person who had an eye for the practical, could see just how Noah loaded +his craft, as the picture brought out clearly a long plank thrown ashore, +up which the animals were climbing. I have often thought that I never saw +it rain so tremendously as it did in that picture. Near by hung a six-penny +likeness of Washington, somewhat defaced, as some irreverent Puddleford boy +had run his finger through the old general's eye, which detracted very much +from the dignity of his expression. He looked rather funny with one eye +cocked; and he felt, I presume--that is, if pictures can feel--just as +funny as he looked. + +One advantage which the lodging-rooms of this tavern possessed ought not to +be overlooked. They were lit up by the everlasting stars, and the tired +traveller could go to sleep by the dancing rays that shot down through the +crevices of the roof above. + +"Old Stub Bulliphant," as he was called, was, and had been for years, +landlord of the "Eagle." He was about five feet high, and nearly as many in +circumference. His eyes were of no particular color, although they were +once. His eye-lashes had been scorched off by alcoholic fire; and nature, +to keep up appearances, in a fit of desperation, substituted in their stead +a binding of red, which looked like two little rainbows hanging upon a +storm, for a rheumy water was continually running between them. His nose +was very red, and his face was always in blossom, winter and summer. A pair +of tow breeches and a red flannel shirt composed his wardrobe two thirds of +the year. The truth is, the old fellow drank, and always drank, and he +became, finally, preserved in spirits. + +Puddleford was not destitute of a church, not by any means. The +"log-chapel," when I first became acquainted with the place, was an ancient +building. It was erected at a period almost as early as the tavern--not +quite--temporal wants pressing the early settlers closer than spiritual. + +This, precious reader, is a skeleton view of Puddleford, as it existed when +I first knew it. Just out of this village, some time during the last ten +years, I took possession of a large tract of land, called "Burr-oak +Opening," that is, a wide, sweeping plain, thinly clad with burr-oaks. Few +sights in nature are more beautiful. The eye roams over these parks +unobstructed by undergrowth, the trees above, and the sleeping shadows on +the grass below. + +The first time I looked upon this future home of mine, it lay calm and +bright, bathed in the warm sun of a May morning, and filled with birds. The +buds were just breaking into leaf, and the air was sweet with the wildwood +fragrance of spring. Piles of mosses, soft as velvet, were scattered about. +Wild violets, grouped in clusters, the white and red lupin, the mountain +pink, and thousands of other tiny flowers, bright as sparks of fire, +mingled in confusion. It was alive with birds; the brown thrasher, the +robin, the blue-jay, poured forth their music to the very top of their +lungs. The thrasher, with his brown dress and very quizzical look, +absolutely revelled in a luxury of melody. He mocked all the birds about +him. Now he was as good a blue-jay as blue-jay himself, and screamed as +loud; but suddenly bouncing around on a limb, and slowly stretching out his +wings, he died away in a most pathetic strain; then, darting into another +tree, and turning his saucy eye inquisitively down, he rattled off a chorus +or two, that I might know he was not so sad a fellow after all. Now, his +soft, flute-like notes fairly melted in his throat; then he drew out a +long, violin strain the whole length of his bow; then a blast on his +trumpet roused all the birds. He was "everything by turns, and nothing +long." After completing his performance, away he went, and his place, in a +moment almost, was occupied by another, repeating the medley, for the whole +wood was alive with them. + +Scores of blue-jays, in the tops of the trees, were picking away at the +tender buds. The robin, that household bird, first loved by our children, +was also here. Sitting alone and apart, in a reverie, and blowing +occasionally his mellow pipe, he seemed to exist only for his own comfort, +and to forget that he was one of the choristers of the wood. Woodpeckers +were flitting hither and thither; troops of quails whistled in the +distance; the oriole streamed out his bright light through the green +branches; there was a winnowing of wings, a dashing of leaves, as birds +came rushing in and out. It was their festival. + +This scene was heightened by the appearance of a hunter. He was a noble +specimen of the physical man. Tall, brawny--a giant in strength--his form +loomed up in the distance. He was attired with a red flannel "wamus," a +leathern belt girt around his waist, deer-skin leggins and moccasons, and a +white felt hat that ran up to a peak. His rifle and shot-pouch were slung +around him, and a few fox-squirrels hung dangling on his belt. His whole +figure exhibited a harmony of proportion, a majesty of combination, +sometimes seen in Roman statues. As I approached him, his face fairly +beamed with rustic intelligence and good nature, and the old man grasped me +by the hand, and shook it as heartily as if he had known me a thousand +years. + +"So you are the person," said Venison Styles,--for such I afterwards +learned was the name he went by in the neighborhood,--"so you are the +person that's come in here to settle, I s'pose--to cut down the trees and +plough up this ere ground." I told him I was. "Well," said he, "so it goes; +I have moved and moved, and I can't keep out of the way of these ploughs +and axes. It was just as much as the deer, and beaver, and otter, _could_ +do, to stand them government surveyors that went tramping around among 'em, +just as though they were going to be sold out wher-or-no. And then," +continued Styles, growing warmer, "they tried to form a thing they called a +school _de_-strict about my ears; and then came a church, and they put a +little bell on it, and that scart out the game. Game can't stand +church-bells, stranger, they can't; they clears right out." + +I tried to soothe the old man's feelings, and among other things, advised +him to give up his hunting and fishing, and settle down, and till the soil +for a living. + +"What on airth does anybody want to till the soil for?" replied Styles. +"What does the soil want _tilling_ for? Warn't the airth made right in the +first place? The woods were filled with beast and bird, warn't they? and +the whole face of natur covered with grass and wild fruits? and streams and +lakes were scattered everywhere? Ain't there enough to eat, and drink, and +wear, growing nat'ral in the woods? and what else does anybody want, +stranger?" + +"Yes, but you are growing old, and your sight is dim, my friend," said I. + +"Old! dim! eyes bad! no! no! Venison Styles is good for twenty years yet. I +don't take physic. There ain't no more use of taking such stuff, than there +is of giving it to my dogs. 'Tain't nat'ral to take it, not no how. All a +man wants in sickness is a little saxafax-tea, or something warmin' of that +sort. Children are all spi'lt nowadays. Their heads and inards are crammed +with physic and larning, and they ain't good for nothing. For my part, I +hate physic, books, newspapers, and even the mail-carrier. None of my folks +were troubled with larning; for, as near as I can tell, the old man (his +father) died hunting game and furs down on the 'Hios, when it 'twas all +woods there, and I never know'd of his writing or reading any." + +"Well, Venison," said I, "how long have you been around in these parts?" + +"Not mor-nor four or five years, or so about," answered Styles. "The game +and I have kept running westard and westard, from civilization, as they +call it, till I have travelled nigh on a thousand miles, or so. I used to +hunt and trap way down on Erie, before them steamboats came a-snorting up, +but when they came, they scart all the deer and everything out of the woods +and streams; and then I left, too. This rifle," continued Styles, "this +rifle has been along with me for forty years. I have eat and slept with it. +I have worn out mor-nor twenty dogs--fairly _worn_ 'em out, and buried +every one with a tear; and byme-by old Venison himself will go, but he is +good on the track yet." + +I assented to much that was said by old Styles, and growing warmer the more +interest I took in him, he rattled on about civilization--its effects, &c., +&c.; and, finally, looking into a tree, where a cluster of spring birds +were singing, he turned to me, and pointing upward--"Do you hear that?" he +exclaimed; "that music was made when the world was--them throats warn't +tuned by any singing-master; they always keep in order. If men would only +jist let natur alone, we could get along well enough. 'Tain't right to make +any additions to natur. 'Tain't right to invent music, nor to mock the +birds, nor cut down the woods, nor dam up the streams. It's all agin natur, +the whole on't. The birds can't be improved on, and the streams and woods +belong to the fish and game. They are their houses as much as my house is +_my_ house. I always hated a saw-mill," continued Styles; "its very sound +makes me mad. I never know'd a deer to stay within hearing of one. They +roar away just as though they were going to tear down the whole forest, +and pile it up into boards. I always try to keep out of their way." But I +cannot give all the conversation of this eccentric genius of the forest, +with me. He was one of a class of men who are hurried along by immigration, +like clouds before the tempest. When the rays of improvement warmed Styles, +he had pushed farther back into the shade. He was a connecting link between +barbarism and civilization. One half of him was lit up with the light of +the sturdy pioneers, who crowded in upon him from the east, and the other +half stood dark and gloomy in savage solemnity. With all his antipathy to +the society of the whites, he was their stanch friend, and in many ways was +of great service. He became, as we shall see, one of my pleasantest +companions, and I cannot help now declaring, that few men have taken such +strong hold upon my affections as this same Venison Styles. + +The old man shouldered his rifle, and inviting me to "drop into his cabin, +up the creek," bid me "good morning, stranger." + +Reader, such was the scene presented to my eye the day I first looked upon +the piece of wild land upon which I finally settled and improved. I had +just arrived from an eastern village, where I was born, and "brought up," +as the phrase is. A somewhat broken fortune and breaking health had driven +me from it, with a moderate family, to seek a spot elsewhere; and I +resolved to try the Great West, that paradise (if the word of people who +never saw it is to be taken) where the surplus population of a portion of +the world have found a home. + +The change was great. But great as it was, I resolved to endure it. So, at +it I went. I procured "help," girdled the trees, put a breaking team of +twelve yoke of cattle on the ground, tore it up, fenced the land, raised a +log-house, and in the fall I had a crop of wheat growing, the withered oak +trees standing guard over it. My family, consisting of a wife and three +children, a boy of eight, and two girls of twelve and ten, were removed to +their new quarters, and I had thus fairly begun the world again, and all +things were as new about me as if I had just been born into it. + +During the summer, I had an opportunity of studying the general character +of the inhabitants of Puddleford, and its surrounding country population. +Like most western settlements, it was made up of all kinds of materials, +all sorts of folks, holding every opinion. More than a dozen states had +contributed to make up its people. Society was exceedingly miscellaneous. +The keen Yankee, the obstinate Pennsylvanian, and the reckless Southerner +were there. Each one of these persons had brought along with him his early +habits and associations--his own views of business, law, and religion. When +thrown together on public questions, this composition boiled up like a +mixture of salts and soda. Factions, of course, were formed among those +whose early education and habits were congenial; divisions were created, +and a war of prejudice and opinion went on from month to month, and year to +year. The New England Yankee stood about ten years ahead of the +Pennsylvania German in all his ideas of progress, while the latter stood +back, dogged and sullen, attached to the customs of his fathers. Another +general feature consisted in this, that there was no permanency to society. +The inhabitants were constantly changing, pouring out and in, like the +waters of a river, so that a complete revolution took place every four or +five years. Everybody who remained in Puddleford expected to remove +somewhere else very soon. They were merely sojourners, not residents. There +was no attachment to, or veneration for, the past of Puddleford, because +Puddleford had no past. The ties of memory reached to older states. There +stood the church that sheltered the infant years of Puddleford's +population, and there swung the bell that tolled their fathers and fathers' +fathers to the tomb. There was the long line of graves, running back a +hundred years, where the sister of yesterday, and the ancestor whose +virtues were only known through tradition, were buried. There tottered the +old homestead which had passed through the family for generations, filled +with heirlooms that had become sacred. The school-house was there, where +the village boys shouted together. Looking back from a new country, where +all is confusion, to an old one, where figures have the stability of a +painting, objects which were once trivial start out upon the canvas in +bolder relief. The venerable, gray-headed pastor, who appeared regularly in +the village pulpit for half a century, to impart the word of life, rises in +the memory, and stands fixed there, like a statue. The quaint cut of his +coat, the neat tie of his neckcloth, the spectacles resting on the tip of +his nose, his hums and haws, his eye of reproof, his gestures of vengeance, +are now living things--are preaching still. We see again the changing +crowd, that year after year went in and out of that holy place; the spot +where the old deacon sat, his head resting on a pillar, his tranquil face +turned upward, his mouth open, enjoying a doze as he listened to the +sermon. We recollect the gay bridal, the solemn funeral, the buoyant face +of the one, the still, cold one of the other. We even remember the lame old +sexton, who rang the bell and went limping up to the burying-ground, with a +spade upon his shoulder. Even _he_, of no consequence when seen every day, +is transformed by distance, and mellowed by memory, into a real being. And +then there are the hills, and streams, and waterfalls, that shed their +music through our boyish souls, until they became a part of our very +existence. No man ever lived who entirely forgot these things, suppressed +though they might be by the cares and anxieties of maturer years. And no +circumstance so likely to bring them all up, glowing afresh, as a removal +to a new country. Of course, no one was attached to Puddleford, as a +locality, any more than the wandering Arab is attached to the particular +spot where he pitches his tent and feeds his camels. + +Another general feature seemed to be the _strange character_ of a large +part of the population. Puddleford was filled with bankrupts, who had fled +from their eastern creditors, anxious for peace of mind and bread enough to +eat. Like decayed vessels, that had been tempest-tossed and finally +condemned, these hulks seemed to be lying up in ordinary in the wilderness. +Puddleford was to that class a kind of hospital. This man, upon inquiry, I +found had rolled in luxury, but a turn in flour one day blew him sky-high. +Another failed on a land speculation. Another bought more goods than he +paid for. Another had been mixed up in a fraud. Another had been actually +guilty of crime. The farming community were generally free from these +charges; but Puddleford proper was not. + +The "Colonel," as we called him, was a fair specimen of the bankrupt class. +He was one of those unfortunate beings who was well enough started in the +world; but after having been tossed and buffeted around by his own +extravagance, he was finally driven into the forest. He was educated, +polished, proud, and poor. He had sunk two or three fortunes, earned by +somebody else, chasing pleasure around the world. His reputation having +become soiled, and his pockets emptied, he concluded--to use his own +language--to "hide himself from his enemies and die a kind of civil death." +"Men," said the Colonel, "are naturally robbers, and it is safer to run +than fight with them." I have heard him declare, in a jocose way, that he +was the most "injured man living; for the whole human family," he said, +"set to and picked his pockets, and now the public ought to support him." +He said, "he couldn't see why the government didn't pass laws for the +relief of cases like his; for a government is good for nothing that fails +to support its people. Starvation in a republic would be a disgrace, and +ought not to be permitted." The Colonel said "there was no use in fighting +destiny--no one man _can_ do it--and it was his destiny to be poor." He +said he "had no place to remove to, and that he couldn't get there if he +had;" that he was "like an old pump that needs a pail of water thrown in +every time it is used to set it a-going." + +The Colonel resided in the village of Puddleford. His family was composed +of a wife and two daughters, a couple of dashing girls, who looked like +birds of fine plumage that had been driven by a storm beyond their +latitude. His household furniture was made up of the fag-ends of this and +that, which had somehow escaped a half a dozen sheriff's sales. His family +wardrobe had been rescued in the same way, and contained all the fashions +of the last twenty-five years. Here and there were scattered some plain +articles of western manufacture, by way of contrast. Three shilling chairs +stood on a faded Brussels carpet; an unpainted white-wood table supported a +silver tea-set; thus, the faded splendor of the past contrasted with the +rustic simplicity of the present. One thing I must not overlook: the +Colonel had an old tattered carriage that had followed him through good and +evil report, his ups and downs of life. I have often been amused to see it +roll along with a melancholy air of superiority, putting on the face of a +good man in affliction. It was drawn by two diminutive Indian ponies, who +would turn and look wildly at the antiquated thing, as if apprehensive of +danger. + +The Colonel kept an office, and pretended to act as a kind of land agent, +and agent for insurance companies, and so on. He was never known to pay a +debt; it being against his principles, as he used to say: besides, he said +"his note would last a man ten times as long as the money; and they were +not very uncurrent neither; for the justice of the peace at Puddleford had +taken a very great many of them, and passed his judgment upon them for +their full face." + +But I will not go into particulars with the Puddlefordians at present. +During the summer my acquaintance with Venison Styles had ripened into a +deeper affection for the old hunter. I accepted his invitation to visit +him, and found him sheltered in the depths of the forest, and nestled in a +valley, his hut, overshadowed by great trees, which were filled with birds +pouring forth their songs. A little brook tinkled down the slope by his +hut, singing all kinds of woodland tunes, as the breeze swelled and died +along its banks. The squirrels were chatting their nonsense, and the +rolling drum of the partridge was heard almost at his very door. + +Venison was a hunter, a fisher, and a trapper. The inside walls of his +cabin were hung about with rifles, shot-guns, and fishing-rods, which had +been accumulating for years. Deer-horns and skins lay scattered here and +there, the trophies of the chase. Seines for lakes, and scoop-nets for +smaller streams, were drying outside upon the trees. + +Venison kept around him a brood of lazy, lounging, good-for-nothing boys, +of all ages, about half-clothed, who followed the business of their father. +This young stock were growing up as he had grown, to occupy somewhere their +father's position, and lead his life. They lived just as well as the +hounds, for all stood on an equality in the family. These ragamuffins were +perfect masters of natural history. There was not an instinct or +peculiarity belonging to the denizens of the woods and streams which they +did not perfectly understand. They seemed to have penetrated the secrecy of +animal life, and fathomed it throughout. Birds, and beasts, and fish were +completely within their power; and there was a kind of matter-of-course +success with them in their capture that was absolutely provoking to a +civilized hunter. + +It was of no importance where Venison Styles' boys made their home, or +under what particular roof. Their home was mainly a depot for their +fishing-tackles, guns, and game. They roamed away weeks at a time, fifty +miles off, up this stream and that, over many a lake, and camped out +nights, feeding upon their plunder; and Venison felt no more concern about +them than he did about the deer, who indeed were not much wilder than they. +They were as hard as flints, sharp on the chase, happy in their wild, +wayward-life, and generally managed to trap and kill just enough to be +self-supporting, and keep soul and body together. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + + Lawsuit: Filkins against Beadle.--Squire Longbow and his + Court.--Puddleford assembled.--Why Squire Longbow was a + Great Man.--Ike Turtle and Sile Bates, Pettifoggers.--Mrs. + Sonora Brown.--Uproar and Legal Opinions.--Seth + Bolles.--Miss Eunice Grimes.--Argument to Jury, and Verdict. + + +My intercourse with the inhabitants of Puddleford had been frequent during +the summer, and my acquaintance with them had now become quite general. One +morning, in the month of September, I was visited by a constable, who very +authoritatively served upon me a venire, which commanded me to be and +appear before Jonathan Longbow, at his office in the village of Puddleford, +at one o'clock P. M., to serve as a juryman in a case, then and there to be +tried, between Philista Filkins, plaintiff, and Charity Beadle, defendant, +in an action of slander, etc. The constable remarked, after reading this +threatening legal epistle to me, that I had better "be up to time, as +Squire Longbow was a man who would not be trifled with," and then leisurely +folding it up, and pushing it deep down in his vest-pocket, he mounted his +horse, and hurried away in pursuit of the balance of the panel. Of course, +I could not think of being guilty of a contempt of court, after having been +so solemnly warned of the consequences, and I was therefore promptly on the +spot, according to command. + +Squire Longbow held his court at the public house, in a room adjoining the +bar-room, because the statute prohibited his holding it in the bar-room +itself. He was a law-abiding man, and would not violate a statute. I found, +on my arrival, that the whole country, for miles around, had assembled to +hear this interesting case. Men, women, and children had turned out, and +made a perfect holiday of it. All were attired in their best. The men were +dressed in every kind of fashion, or, rather, all the fashions of the last +twenty years were scattered through the crowd. Small-crown, steeple-crown, +low-crown, wide-brim, and narrow-brim hats; wide-tail, stub-tail, and +swallow-tail, high-collar, and low-collar coats; bagging and shrunken +breeches; every size and shape of shirt-collar were there, all brought in +by the settlers when they immigrated. The women had attempted to ape the +fashions of the past. Some of them had mounted a "bustle" about the size of +a bag of bran, and were waddling along under their load with great +satisfaction. Some of the less ambitious were reduced to a mere bunch of +calico. One man, I noticed, carried upon his head an old-fashioned, +bell-crowned hat, with a half-inch brim, a shirt-collar running up tight +under his ears, tight enough to lift him from the ground (this ran out in +front of his face to a peak, serving as a kind of cutwater to his nose), a +faded blue coat of the genuine swallow-tail breed, a pair of narrow-fall +breeches that had passed so often through the wash-tub, and were so +shrunken, that they appeared to have been strained on over his limbs: this +individual, reader, was walking about, with his hands in his pockets, +perfectly satisfied, whistling Yankee Doodle, and other patriotic airs. +Most of the women had something frizzled around their shoes, which were +called pantalets, giving their extremities the appearance of the legs of so +many bantam hens. + +The men were amusing themselves pitching coppers and quoits, running +horses, and betting upon the result of the trial to come off, as every one +was expected to form some opinion of the merits of the case. + +The landlord of the Eagle was of course very busy. He bustled about, here +and there, making the necessary preparations. Several pigs and chickens had +gone the way of all flesh, and were baking and stewing for the table. About +once a quarter "Old Stub" "moistened his clay," as he called it, with a +little "rye," so as to "keep his blood a-stirring." _Mrs._ "Stub +Bulliphant" was busy too. _She_ was a perfect whirlwind; her temper was +made of tartaric acid. Her voice might be heard above the confusion around +giving directions to one, and a "piece of her mind" to another. She _was_ +the landlady of the Eagle beyond all doubt, and no one else. Better die +than doubt that. + +"Bulliphant!" screamed she, at the top of her lungs, "Bulliphant, you great +lout, you! what in the name of massy sakes are you about? No fire! no wood! +no water in! How, in all created natur, do you s'pose a woman can get +dinner? Furi_a_tion alive, why don't you speak? Sally Ann! I say, Sally +_Ann_! come right here this minute! Go down cellar, and get a jug of +butter, some milk, and then--I say, Sally Ann!--do you hear me, Sally +Ann?--go out to the barn and--run! run! you careless hussy, to the stove! +the pot's boiling over!" + +And so the old woman's tongue ran on hour after hour. + +At a little past one, the court was convened. A board placed upon two +barrels across the corner of the room, constituted the desk of Squire +Longbow, behind which his honor's solitary dignity was caged. Pettifoggers +and spectators sat outside. This was very proper, as Squire Longbow was a +great man, and some mark of distinction was due. Permit me to describe him. +He was a little, pot-bellied person, with a round face, bald head, swelled +nose, and had only one eye, the remains of the other being concealed with a +green shade. He carried a dignity about him that was really oppressive to +by-standers. He was the "end of the law" in Puddleford; and no man could +sustain a reputation who presumed to appeal from his decisions. He settled +accounts, difficulties of all sorts, and even established land-titles; but +of all things, he prided himself upon his knowledge of constitutional +questions. The Squire always maintained that hard drinking was "agin" the +Constitution of the United States, "and so," he said, "Judge Story once +informed him by letter when he applied to him for aid in solving this +question." "There is no such thing as slander," the Squire used to say, +"and so he had always decided, as every person who lied about another, knew +he ought not to be believed, because he _was_ lying, and therefore the +'_quar-animer_,' as the books say, is wanting." (This looked rather bad for +"Filkins's" case.) Sometimes Squire Longbow rendered judgments, sometimes +decrees, and sometimes he divided the cause between both parties. The +Squire said he "never could submit to the letter of the law; it was agin' +personal liberty; and so Judge Story decided." "Pre-_ce_-dents", as they +were called, he wouldn't mind, not even his own; because then there +wouldn't be any room left for a man to change his mind. "If," said the +Squire, "for instance, I fine Pet. Sykes to-day for knocking down Job +Bluff, that is no reason why I should fine Job Bluff to-morrow for knocking +down Pet. Sykes, because they are entirely different persons. Human natur' +ain't the same." "Contempt of court," the Squire often declared, "was the +worst of all offences. He didn't care so much about what might be said +agin' Jonathan Longbow, but _Squire_ Longbow, Justice of the Peace, must +and should be protected;" and it was upon this principle that he fined +Phil. Beardsley ten dollars for contradicting him in the street. + +"Generally," the Squire says, "he renders judgment for the plaintiff," +because he never issues a process without hearing his story, and +determining the merits. "And don't the plaintiff know more about his rights +than all the witnesses in the world?" "And even where he has a jury," the +Squire says, "that it is his duty to apply the law to the facts, and the +facts to the law, so that they may avoid any illegal verdict." + +The court, as I said, was convened. The Squire took his seat, opened his +docket, and lit his pipe. He then called the parties:-- + +"Philista Filkins!" "Charity Beadle!" + +"Here," cried a backwoods pettifogger, "I'm for Philista Filkins; am always +on hand at the tap of the drum, like a thousand of brick." + +This man was a character; a pure specimen of a live western pettifogger. He +was called Ike Turtle. He was of the snapping-turtle breed. He wore a white +wool-hat; a bandana cotton-handkerchief around his neck; a horse-blanket +vest, with large horn-buttons; and corduroy pantaloons; and he carried a +bull's-eye watch, from which swung four or five chains across his breast. + +"Who answers for Charity Beadle?" continued the Squire. + +"I answer for myself," squeaked out Charity; "I hain't got any counsel, +'cause he's on the jury." + +"On the jury, ha! Your counsel's on the jury! Sile Bates, I suppose. +Counsel is guaranteed by the Constitution--it's a personal right--let Sile +act as your counsel, then." + +And so Sile stepped out in the capacity of counsel. + +"Charity Beadle!" exclaimed the Squire, drawing out his pipe and laying it +on his desk, "stand up and raise your right hand!" + +Charity arose. + +"You are charged with slandering Philista Filkins, with saying, 'She warn't +no better than she ought to be;' and if you were believed when you said so, +it is my duty, as a peace-officer, to say to you that you have been guilty +of a high offence, and may the Lord have mercy on your soul. What do you +say?" + +"Not guilty, Squire Longbow, by an eternal sight, and told the truth, if we +are," replied Bates. "Besides, we plead a set-off." + +"I say 'tis false! you are!" cried Philista, at the top of her lungs. + +"Silence!" roared Longbow; "the dignity of this court shall be preserved." + +"Easy, Squire, a little easy," grumbled a voice in the crowd, proceeding +from one of Philista's friends; "never speak to a woman in a passion." + +"I fine that man one dollar for contempt of court, who_ever_ he is!" +exclaimed the Squire, as he stood upon tiptoe, trying to catch the offender +with his eye. + +"I guess 'twarn't nothing but the wind," said Bates. + +The Squire took his seat, put his pipe in his mouth, and blew out a long +whiff of smoke. + +"Order being restored, let the case now proceed," he exclaimed. + +Ike opened his case to the jury. He said Philista Filkins was a maiden lady +of about forty; some called her an _old_ maid, but that warn't so, not by +several years; her teeth were as sound as a nut, and her hair as black as a +crow. She was a nurse, and had probably given more lobelia, pennyroyal, +catnip, and other roots and herbs, to the people of Puddleford, than all +the rest of the women in it. Of course she was a kind of _peramrulary_ +being. (The Squire here informed the jury that _peramrulary_ was a legal +word, which he would fully explain in his charge.) That is, she was obliged +to be out a great deal, night and day, and in consequence thereof, Charity +Beadle had slandered her, and completely ruined her reputation, and broken +up her business to the damage of ten dollars. + +Bates told the court that he had "no jurisdiction in an action of slander." + +Longbow advised Bates not to repeat the remark, as "that was a kind of +contempt." + +Some time had elapsed in settling preliminaries, and at last the cause was +ready. + +"We call Sonora Brown!" roared out Ike, at the top of his lungs. + +"No, you don't," replied the Squire. "This court is adjourned for fifteen +minutes; all who need refreshment will find it at the bar in the next room; +but don't bring it in here; it might be agin' the statute." + +And so the court adjourned for fifteen minutes. + +There was a rush to the bar-room, and old Stub Bulliphant rolled around +among his whiskey bottles like a ship in a storm. Almost every person drank +some, judging from the remarks, "to wet their whistle;" others, "to keep +their stomach easy;" some "to Filkins;" others, "to Beadle," etc., etc. + +Court was at last convened again. + +"Sonora Brown!" roared Ike again. + +"Object!" exclaimed Sile; "no witness; hain't lived six months in the +state." + +Squire Longbow slowly drew his pipe from his mouth, and fixed his eyes on +the floor in deep thought for several minutes. + +"Hain't lived six months in the state," repeated he, at last; "ain't no +resident, of course, under our Constitution." + +"And how, in all created airth, would you punish such a person for perjury? +I should just like to know," continued Sile, taking courage from the +Squire's perplexed state of mind; "our laws don't bind residents of other +states." + +"But it isn't certain Mrs. Brown will lie, because she is a non-resident," +added the Squire, cheering up a little. + +"Well, very well, then," said Sile, ramming both hands into his +breeches-pocket very philosophically; "go ahead, if you wish, subject to my +objection. I'll just appeal, and blow this court into fiddle-strings! This +cause won't breathe three times in the circuit! We won't be rode over; we +know our rights, I just kinder rather think." + +"Go it, Sile!" cried a voice from the crowd; "stand up for your rights, if +you bust!" + +"Silence!" exclaimed Squire Longbow. + +Ike had sat very quietly, inasmuch as the Squire had been leaning in his +favor; but Sile's last remark somewhat intimidated his honor. + +"May it please your honor," said Ike, rising, "we claim there is no proof +of Mrs. Brown's residency; your honor hain't got nothing but Sile Bates's +say so, and what's that good for in a court of justice? I wouldn't believe +him as far as you could swing a cat by the tail." + +"I'm with you on that," cried another voice. + +"Silence! put that man out!" roared Longbow again. + +But just as Ike was sitting down, an inkstand was hurled at him by Sile, +which struck him on his shoulder, and scattered its contents over the +crowd. Several missiles flew back and forth; the Squire leaped over his +table, crying out at the top of his lungs,-- + +"In the name of the people of the State of ----, I, Jonathan Longbow, +Justice of the Peace, duly elected and qualified, do command you." + +When, at last, order was restored, the counsel took their seats, and the +Squire retired into his box again. + +[Illustration: THE JUSTICE'S COURT OF PUDDLEFORD. + +The testimony of Sonora Brown, the witness who "didn't know anything worth +tellin' on:" and who "warn't used to lawsuits, and didn't know how to +swear."--Page 42.] + +Sonora Brown was then called for the third time. She was an old lady, with +a pinched-up black bonnet, a very wide ruffle to her cap, through which the +gray hairs strayed. She sighed frequently and heavily. She said she didn't +know as she knew "anything worth telling on." She didn't know "anything +about lawsuits, and didn't know how to swear." After running on with a long +preliminary about herself, growing warmer and warmer, the old lady came to +the case under much excitement. She said "she never did see such works in +all her born days. Just because Charity Beadle said 'Philista Filkins +warn't no better than she ought to be,' there was _such_ a hullabalu and +kick-up, enough to set all natur crazy!" + +"Why la! sus me!" continued she, turning round to the Squire, "do _you_ +think this such a dre'ful thing, that all the whole town has got to be set +together by the ears about it? Mude-_ra_-tion! what a humdrum and flurry!" + +And then the old lady stopped and took a pinch of snuff, and pushed it up +very hard and quick into her nose. + +Ike requested Mrs. Brown not to talk so fast, and only answer such +questions as he put to her. + +"Well, now, that's nice," she continued. "Warn't I sworn, or was't you? and +to tell the truth, too, and the _whole_ truth. I warn't sworn to answer +your questions. Why, maybe, you don't know, Mr. Pettifogger, that there are +folks in state's prison _now_ for lying in a court of justice?" + +Squire Longbow interfered, and stated that "he must say that things were +going on very 'promis'cusly,' quite agin the peace and dignity of the +state." + +"Just so I think myself," added Mrs. Brown. "This place is like a +town-meeting, for all the world." + +"Mrs. So-_no_-ra Brown!" exclaimed Ike, rising on his feet, a little +enraged, "do you know anything about what Charity Beadle said about +Philista Filkins? Answer _this_ question." + +"Whew! fiddle-de-dee! highty-tighty! so you have really broke loose, Mr. +Pettifogger," for now the old lady's temper _was_ up. "Why, didn't you know +I was old enough to be your grandmother? Why, my boy," continued she, +hurrying on her spectacles, and taking a long look at Ike, "I know'd your +mother when she made cakes and pies down in the _Jar_seys; and _you_ when +you warn't more than _so_ high;" and she measured about two feet high from +the floor. "You want me to _answer_, do you? I told you all I know'd about +it; and if you want anything more, I guess you'll have to get it, that's +all;" and, jumping up, she left the witness-stand, and disappeared in the +crowd. + +"I demand an attachment for Sonora Brown!" roared out Ike, "an absconding +witness!" + +"Can't do it," replied the Squire; "it's agin the Constitution to deprive +anybody of their liberty an unreasonable length of time. This witness has +been confined here by process of law morn-a-nour. Can't do it! Be guilty of +trespass! Must stick to the Constitution. Call your next witness." + +Ike swore. The Squire fined him one dollar. He swore again. The Squire +fined him another. The faster the Squire fined, the faster the oaths rolled +out of Ike's mouth, until the Squire had entered ten dollars against him. +Ike swore again, and the Squire was about to record the _eleventh_ dollar, +but Ike checked him. + +"Hold on! hold on! you _old reprobate_! now I've got you! now you are +mine!" exclaimed he. "You are up to the limit of the law! You cannot +inflict only ten dollars in fines in any one case! Now stand and take it!" + +And such a volley of oaths, cant phrases, humor, wrath, sarcasm, and fun, +sometimes addressed to the Squire, sometimes to the audience, and sometimes +to his client, never rolled out of any other man's mouth since the flood. +He commenced with the history of the Squire, when, as he said, "he was _a_ +rafting lumber down on the Susque_hanna_;" and he followed him up from that +time. "He _could_ tell the reason why he came west, but wouldn't." He +commented on his personal appearance, and his capacity for the office of +justice. He told him "he hadn't only one eye, any way, and he couldn't be +expected to see a great way into a mill-stone; and he didn't believe he had +as many brains as an 'ister. For his part, _he_ knew the law; he had +ransacked every part of the statute, as a glutton would Noah's Ark for the +remnant of an eel; he had digested it from Dan to Beersheba; swallowed +everything but the title-page and cover, and would have swallowed that if +he warn't mortal; he was a living, moving law himself; when he said 'law +_was_ law, _'twas_ law;' better 'peal anything up from predestination than +from his opinion! he would follow this case to the backside of sundown for +his rights!" + +During all this time there was a complete uproar. Philista's friends +cheered and hurrahed; the dogs in the room set up their barking; Beadle's +friends groaned, and squealed, and bellowed, and whimpered, and imitated +all the domestic animals of the day, while the Squire was trying at the top +of his lungs to compel the constable to commit Ike for contempt. + +Ike closed and sat down. The Squire called for the constable, but he was +not to be found. One man told him that "he was in the next room pitching +coppers;" another, that the last time he saw him "he was running very +fast;" another, that "he rather guessed he'd be back some time another, if +he ever was, because he was a sworn officer;" another asked the Squire +"what he'd give to have him _catched_?" but no constable appeared; he had +put himself out the way to escape the storm. + +A long silence followed this outburst; not a word was said, and scarcely a +noise heard. Every one was eagerly looking at the Squire for his next +movement. Ike kept his eyes on the floor, apparently in a deep study. At +last he arose. + +"Squire," said he, "we've been under something of a press of steam for the +last half 'our; I move we adjourn fifteen minutes for a drink." + +"Done," answered the Squire; and so the court adjourned for a second time. + +It was now nearly dark, when the court convened again. The trial of the +cause, Filkins _vs._ Beadle, was resumed. + +Seth Bolles was called. Seth was a broad-backed, double-fisted fellow, with +a blazing red face, and he chewed tobacco continually. He was about two +thirds "over the bay," and didn't care for all the Filkinses or Beadles in +the world. + +"Know Filkins and Beadle?" inquired Ike. + +"Know 'em? thunder, yes." + +"How long?" + +"Ever sin' the year one." + +"Ever heard Beadle say anything about Filkins?" + +"Heard her say she thought she run'd too much arter Elik Timberlake." + +"Anything, Seth, about Filkins' character?" + +"Now what do you 'spose I know about Filkins' character? Much as I can do +to look arter my own wimmin." + +"But have you heard _Beadle say_ anything about Filkins' character?" + +"Heard her say once she was a good enough-er-sort-a body when she was +a-mind-er-be." + +"Anything else?" + +"Shan't answer; hain't had my regular fees paid as witness." + +Squire Longbow informed Seth that he must answer. + +"Shan't do it, not so long as my name is Bolles." + +The Squire said he would commit him. + +"W-h-e-w!" drawled out Bolles, stooping down, and putting his arms a-kimbo, +as he gave the Squire a long look straight in the eye. + +"Order! order!" exclaimed the Squire. + +"Whew! whew! whew _uo-uo-uo_! who's afraid of a justice of the peace?" +screamed Seth, jumping up about a foot, and squirting out a gill of +tobacco-juice, as he struck the floor. + +Seth's fees were paid him, at last, and the question was again put, if he +heard "Beadle say anything else?" and he said "_he never did_;" and thus +ended Seth's testimony. + +Miss Eunice Grimes was next called. She came sailing forward, and threw +herself into the chair with a kind of jerk. She took a few sidelong glances +at Charity Beadle, which told, plainly enough, that she meant to make a +finish of her in about five minutes. She was a vinegar-faced old maid, and +her head kept bobbing, and her body kept hitching, and now she pulled her +bonnet this way, and now that. She finally went out of the fretting into +the languishing mood, and declared she "_should_ die if somebody didn't get +her a glass of water." + +When she became composed, Ike inquired if "she knew Charity Beadle?" + +"Yes! I know her to be an orful critter!" + +"What has she done?" + +"What hain't she? She's lied about me, and about Elder Dobbin's folks, and +said how that when the singing-master boarded at our house, she seed lights +in the sitting-room till past three--the orful critter!" + +"But what have you heard her say about Philista Filkins?" + +"O! everything that's bad. She don't never say anything that's good 'bout +nobody. She's allers talking. There ain't nobody in the settlement she +hain't slandered. She even abused old Deacon Snipes' horse--the orful +critter!" + +"But what did she say about _Philista Filkins_?" repeated Ike again. + +"What do you want me to say she said? I hain't got any doubt she's called +her everything she could think on. Didn't she, Philist_y_?" she continued, +turning her head towards the plaintiff. + +Philista nodded. + +"Did she say she warn't no better than she ought to be?" + +"Did she? well, she did, and that very few people were." + +"Stop! stop!" exclaimed Ike, "you talk too fast! I guess she didn't say +_all_ that." + +"She did, for Philista told me so; and she wouldn't lie for the whole race +of Beadles." + +Squire Longbow thought Eunice had better retire, as she didn't seem to know +much about the case. + +She said she knew as much about it as anybody; she want "going to be +abused, trod upon; and no man was a man that would insult a poor woman;" +and bursting into tears of rage, she twitched out of her chair, and went +sobbing away. + +Philista closed, and Sile stated, in his opening to the court on the part +of the defence, that this was a "_little_ the smallest case he ever _had_ +seen." His client stood out high and dry; she stood up like Andes looking +down on a potato-hill; he didn't propose to offer scarcely any proof; and +that little was by way of set-off--tongue against tongue--according to the +statute in such case made and provided; he hoped the court would examine +the law for himself. (Here Sile unrolled a long account against Philista, +measuring some three feet, and held it up to the Squire and jury.) This, he +said, was a reg'lar statement of the slanderous words used by Philista +Filkins agin Charity Beadle for the last three years, with the damage +annexed; everything had been itemized, and kept in tip-top style; all in +black and white, just as it happened. Sile was about reading this +formidable instrument, when Ike objected. + +"That can't be _did_ in this 'ere court!" exclaimed Ike; "the light of +civilization has shed itself a little _too_ thick for _that_. This court +might just as well try to swallow a chestnut-burr, or a cat, tail foremost, +as to get such a proposition a-down its throat." + +Squire Longbow said he'd "never heer'd of such law--yet the question was +new to him." + +"Laid down in all the law-books of the nineteenth century!" exclaimed Sile, +"and never heard on't!" + +"Never did." + +"Why," continued Sile, "the statute allows set-off where it is of the same +natur of the action. This, you see, is slander agin slander." + +"True," replied the Squire. + +"True, did you say!" exclaimed Ike. "_You_ say the statute _does_ allow +slander to be set off; _our_ statute--that statute that I learned by heart +before I knew my A B C's--you old bass-wood headed son--" But the Squire +stopped Ike just at this time. "We will decide the question first," he +said. "The court have made no decision yet." + +Squire Longbow was in trouble. He smoked furiously. He examined the +statutes, looked over his docket, but he did not seem to get any light. +Finally, a lucky thought struck him. He saw old Mr. Brown in the crowd, who +had the reputation of having once been a justice in the State of New York. +The Squire arose and beckoned to him, and both retired to an adjoining +room. After about a half an hour, the Squire returned and took his seat, +and delivered his opinion. Here it is:-- + +"After an examination of all the p'ints both for and agin the 'lowing of +the set-off, in which the court didn't leave no stone unturned to get at +justice, having ransacked some half a dozen books from eend to eend, and +noted down everything that anywise bore on the subject; recollecting, as +the court well doz, what the great Story, who's now dead and gone, done and +writ 'bout this very thing (for we must be 'lowed to inform this 'sembly +that we read Story in our juvenil' years); having done this, and refreshing +_our_ minds with the testimony, and keeping in our eye the rights of +parties--right-er liberty, and right-er speech, back'ards and for'ards--for +I've as good a right to talk agin you, as you have to talk agin +me--knowing, as the court doz, how much blood has been shed 'cause folks +wern't 'lowed to talk as much as they pleased, making all natur groan, the +court is of the opinion that the set-off must be let in; and such is also +Squire Brown's opinion, and nobody will contradict that, _I know_." + +"Je-_hos_-a-phat!" groaned out Ike, drawing one of his very longest +breaths. "The _great_ Je-_mi_-ma Wilkinson! and so that _is_ law, arter +all! There's my hat, Squire," Ike continued, as he arose and reached it out +to him; "and you shall have my _gallusses_ as soon as I can get at 'em." + +The Squire said "the dignity of the court must be preserved." + +"Of course it must! of course it must!" replied Ike, who was growing very +philosophical over the opinion of the Squire; "there ain't no friction on +my gudgeons _now_; I always gins in to reg'lar opinions, delivered upon +consideration; I was just thinking, though, Squire, that as their bill is +so much the longest, and as the parties are both here, Charity had better +let her tongue loose upon my client, and take out the balance on the spot." + +The Squire said "the cause must go on." Sile read his set-off, made up of +slanderous words alleged to have been used; damages fifty dollars; and +calling Charity herself, upon the principle, as he said, "that it was a +book-account, and her books were evidence; and her books having been lost, +the paper which he held, and which was a true copy--_for he made it out +himself_--was the next best evidence; all of which Charity would swear to +straight along." + +The court admitted Charity, and she swore the set-off through, and some +fifty dollars more; and she was going on horse-race speed, when Sile +stopped her "before," as he told her, "she swore the cause beyond the +jurisdiction of a magistrate." + +Here the evidence closed. Midnight had set in, and the cause was yet to be +summed up. + +The court informed Ike and Sile that they were limited to half an hour +each. + +Ike opened the argument, and _such_ an opening, and _such_ an argument! It +will not be expected that I can repeat it. There never lived a man who +could. It covered all things mortal and immortal. Genius, and sense, and +nonsense; wit, humor, pathos, venom, and vulgarity, were all piled up +together, and belched forth upon the jury. He talked about the case, the +court, the jury, his client, the history of the world, and Puddleford in +particular. "The slander was admitted," he declared, "because the defendant +had tried to set off something _agin_ it; and if his client didn't get a +judgment, he'd make a rattling among the dry bones of the law, that would +rouse the dead of '76!" He was "fifty feet front, and rear to the river;" +"had seen great changes en the t'restial globe;" "know'd all the sciences +from Neb-u-_cud_-nezzar down;" "know'd law--'twas the milk of his +existence." As to the court's opinion about the set-off, "his head was +chock full of cobwebs or bumble-bees, he didn't know which;" "his judgment +warn't hardly safe on a common note er-hand;" "he'd no doubt but that three +jist such cases would run him stark mad;" "Natur was sorry she'd ever had +anything to do with him; and he'd himself been sorry ever since; and as for +ed'cation, he warn't up to the school-marm, for she _could_ read;" "the +jury had better give him a verdict if they didn't want the nightmare." And +thus he was running on, when his half hour expired, but he could not be +stopped--as well stop a tornado. So Sile arose, and commenced his argument +for the defendant; and at it both labored, Ike for plaintiff, Sile for +defendant, until the court swore a constable, and ordered the jury to +retire with him, the argument still going on; and thus the jury left the +room, Ike and Sile following them up, laying down the law and the fact; and +the last thing I observed just before the door closed, was Ike's arm run +through it at us, going through a variety of gestures, his expiring effort +in behalf of his client. + +After a long deliberation among the jurors, during which almost everything +was discussed but the evidence, it was announced by our foreman, on "coming +in," that "we could not agree, four on 'em being for fifty dollars for the +defendant 'cording to law, and one on 'em for no cause of action (myself), +and he stood out, 'cause he was a-feared, or wanted to be pop'lar with +somebody." + +And thus ended the trial between Filkins and Beadle. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + + Wanderings in the Wilderness.--A Bee-Hunt.--Sunrise.--The + Fox-Squirrel.--The Blue-Jay.--The Gopher.--The + Partridges.--Wild Geese, Ducks, and Cranes.--Blackbirds and + Meadow-Larks.--Venison's Account of the Bees' Domestic + Economy.--How Venison found what he was in Search of.--Honey + Secured.--After Reflections. + + +Venison Styles and myself, as I have stated, had now become intimate. +Together we scoured the woods and streams, in pursuit of fish and game. +There was a kind of rustic poetry about the old man that fascinated my +soul. His thoughts and feelings had been drawn from nature, and there was a +strange freshness and life about everything he said and did. He was as firm +and fiery as a flint; and the sparks struck out of him were as beautiful. +Winds and storms, morn's early dawn, the hush of evening, the seasons and +all their changes, had become a part of him--they had moulded and kept him. +They played upon him like a breeze upon a harp. How could I help loving +him? + +Before daybreak, one morning in October, Venison, myself, his honey-box, +and axes, set out "a bee-hunting," as he called it. It was in the beautiful +and inspiring season of Indian summer, a season that lingers long and +lovely over the forests of the west. There had been a hard, black frost +during the night, and the great red sun rose upon it, shrouded in smoke. +We were soon deep in the heart of the wilderness, tramping over the fallen +leaves, and pushing forward to where the "bees were thick a-workin'," +according to Venison. + +As the sun rose higher and higher, the leaves began, all around, to thaw, +and detach themselves from the trees, and silently settle to the ground. +There stood the yellow walnut, the blood-red maple, side by side with the +green pine and the spruce. Ten thousand rainbows were interlaced through +the tops of the trees, and now and then a sharp peak shot up its pile of +mosaic into the sky. + +Not a sound was heard around us till morning's dawn. The tranquillity was +oppressive. The mighty wilderness was asleep. Everything felt as fixed and +awful as eternity. The vast extent of the wooded waste, reaching thousands +of miles beyond, on, and on, and _on_, filled with mountains, lakes, and +streams, lying in solitary grandeur, as unchanged as on the day the +Pyramids were finished, overwhelmed the imagination. And then the future +arose upon the mind, when all this will be busy with life--when the present +will be history, referred to, but not remembered--when the present +population of the globe will have been swept from the face of it, and +another generation in our place, playing with the toys that so long amused, +and which we, at last, left behind us. + +But as day dawned, and morning began to throw in her arrows of gold about +our feet, the wilderness began to wake up. A fox-squirrel shot out from his +bed in a hollow tree, where he had been lodging during the night; and +scampering up a tall maple, he sat himself down, threw his tail over his +back, and broke forth with his _chick-chick-chickaree, chickaree, +chickaree_!--making the woods ring with his song. + +"Look at him," exclaimed Venison; "he's as sassy as ever. If I had my +rifle, I'd knock the spots off that check coat of his'n; I'd larn him to +chickaree old Venison." + +This squirrel, very common in some of the north-western states, is one of +the largest and most beautiful of its species. He is dressed in a suit of +light-brown check, and may be seen, in warm, sunny days, cantering over the +ground, or running through the tree-tops. He is a very careful and a very +busy body. I have often watched him, as he sat bolt upright in a hickory, +eating nuts, and throwing the shucks on the ground, with all the gravity of +a judge. During the fall, he hoards up large quantities of stores. He hulls +his beech-nuts, selects the fairest walnuts, picks up, here and there, a +few chestnuts, and packs everything away in his castle with the utmost +care; and, as Venison says, "the choppers in the winter have stolen bushels +on 'em!" + +While our squirrel was singing his morning psalm, a crow, just out of his +bed, went sailing along above us, with his "caw! caw!" and settled on a +tree nearby. "Caw! caw!" he screamed again, looking down curiously at the +squirrel, as much as to say, "Who cares for _your_ music!" Then out hurried +another squirrel, and another, breaking forth with joy, until the crow, +fairly drowned out, spread his wings and soared away. Venison says, "Them +crows can smell gunpowder, and that fellow know'd we hadn't any, when he +lit so near us." + +A blue-jay then commenced a loud call from a distant part of the forest. He +is one of the birds that lingers behind, and braves the blasts of winter. +He was flitting about in a tree-top, and had just commenced his day's +work. How gaudily Nature has dressed this bird! How he shines, during +spring and summer! All the shades, and touches, and tinges of blue flow +over his gaudy mantle; and how orderly and lavishly they are strown over +him. But the blue-jay is a dissolute kind of a fellow, after all--"neither +more nor less than a thief," Venison says. His shadowy dress fades with the +leaf, and after strutting about during the warmer months, making a great +display of his finery, he "runs down," at last, into a confirmed loafer. +Groups of them may be seen in the winter, drudging around among the +withered bushes, and scolding like so many shrews. + +Then out popped the little _gopher_, that finished piece of stripe and +check, that miner, who digs deep in the ground. He, too, had left his +mansion, and come to greet the morn. A troop of quail marched along, headed +by their chief. Who does not love the quail? She is associated with early +childhood and household memories. Her voice rings through the past. We +heard it sounding over our better years. What a rich brown suit she wears, +cut round with Quaker simplicity! what taste and neatness about it! It was +she that long ago went forth with the reapers, and piped for them her +sunrise psalm, "_More wet! More wet!_" and she will stay here with us +during the winter, and traverse, with her caravan, all day, the desert +wastes of snow. Venison says he "don't never kill a quail--it ain't +right--but he don't know why." + +The partridges, all around, commenced rolling their drums, and every little +while, one would whirr past our heads, and die away in the distance. The +whole wood-pecker family began _their_ labor. He who wears a red velvet +cap, silk shawl, and white under-clothes, was boring away in a rotten tree, +to find his breakfast; and he kept hitching around, and hammering, without +regarding or caring for our presence. The rabbit, with ears erect, sat +drawn up in a heap, quivering with fear, as he gazed upon us. + +At last we reached the bank of the river, and Venison said, "We had better +sit down, and take our reck'ning." Here was one of the most beautiful +pictures of still life ever painted by Nature. The river wound away like a +silver serpent, until it was lost in a bank of Indian summer haze, and it +gurgled and dashed through the aisles of the forest, like a dream through +the silent realms of sleep. It lay, half sunshine, half shadow, and the +shadow was slowly creeping up a tall cliff on the opposite shore, as the +day advanced, counting, as it were, the moments as they passed. Afar down +it, I was amused as I watched a flock of wild geese. They were about a +hundred in number, sleeping upon the water, in a glassy cove, their heads +neatly tucked under their wings. An old gander, who had been appointed +sentinel, to keep watch and guard, was doing the best he could to perform +his duty. He stood upon one leg, and he grew so drowsy, several times, that +he nearly toppled over, to his great consternation, and the danger of his +charge. But rousing up, and taking two or three pompous strides, and +stretching his neck to its utmost, with a very wise look, he satisfied +himself that all was right, and that he was not so bad a sentinel, after +all. + +Near by this sleeping community, where a ripple played over a cluster of +rocks, a flock of ducks were performing their ablutions. Now they were +diving, now combing out their feathers, now rising and flapping their +wings, now playing with each other, when the leader blowing a blast on his +trumpet, they rose gracefully from their bath, and forming themselves into +a _drag_, went winnowing up the river to their haunts far away. + +A sand-hill crane, hoisted up on his legs of stilts, his clothes gathered +up, and pinned behind him, was leisurely wading about, spearing fish for +his breakfast. A dozy, stupid-looking kingfisher sat upon a blasted limb +just over him, looking as grave as a country justice engaged in the same +business. A bald eagle came rushing down the stream like an air-ship, his +great wings slowly heaving up and down, as if he had set out upon an +all-day's journey. A muskrat ferried himself over from one side to the +other, urgent upon business best known to himself. A prairie-wolf came down +to the water's edge, gave a bark or two, and taking a drink, turned back +the way he came. + +How many birds had left the wilderness for other climes! The blackbirds, +those saucy gabblers, who spent the summer here, feeding upon wild rice, +departed a month ago. I saw their bustle and preparation. They were days +and days getting ready for their journey. The whole country around was +alive with their noise. They sang, and fretted. They seemed to be out of +all kind of patience with everybody and everything--to have a kind of spite +against Nature for driving them off. All the trees about the marshes were +loaded, and some were singing, some complaining, some scolding; but having +finally completed their arrangements, all of a sudden they left. And the +meadow-lark, that came so early with her spring song--she who used to sit +upon the waving grass, and heave herself to and fro, in so ecstatic and +polite a manner, as her melody rose and fell--she, too, is gone. + +But about _hunting bees_. Venison informed me that here was the spot where +he should "try 'em--that he didn't know nothin' about his luck;" that "bees +were the knowingest critters alive"--that they lived in "the holler trees, +all around us." He said "they had queens to govern 'em"--that they had +"workers and drones"--that "everything about 'em was done just so, and if +any of 'em broke the laws, they just killed 'em, and pitched 'em +overboard." This, he said, he had "seed himself; he had seed a reg'lar bee +funeral." He "seed, once, four bees tugging at a dead body, drawing it on +the back, when they throw'd it out of the hive, and covered it over with +dirt." And then they have "wars," he says, and "gin'rals," and "captins," +and "sogers," and "go out a-fightin', and a-stealin' honey;" they are very +"knowin' critters, and there is no tellin' nothin' about 'em." + +Venison took the little box he had brought with him, which was filled with +honey, and, opening its lid, placed it on a stump. He then rambled around +the woods until he found a lingering flower that had escaped the frost, +with a honey-bee upon it. This he picked, bee and all, and placed on the +honey. Soon the bee began to work and load himself; and finally he rose in +circles, winding high in the air, and suddenly turning a right angle, he +shot out of sight. + +"Where has he gone?" inquired I. + +"Gone hum where he lives," answered Venison, "to unload his thighs and tell +the news." + +In a few moments, three bees returned, filled themselves, and departed; +then six; then a dozen, until a black line was formed, along which they +were rushing both ways, empty and laden, one _end_ of which was lost in the +forest. + +Venison and myself then started on a trot, with our eyes upward, to follow +this living line; and after having proceeded a quarter of a mile it became +so confused and scattered that we gave it up, and returned. + +"What now?" I inquired. + +"I'll have 'em! I'll have 'em!" he replied. "They can't cheat old Venison. +I've hunted the critters mor-nor forty years, and I allers takes 'em when I +tries. I'll draw a couple of more sights on 'em." + +Venison took two pieces more of honey, and placed one on each side of his +box. The bees followed him and commenced their work. Very soon, instead of +one, he had three lines established, his line of honey forming the base of +a triangle, while the bees were all rushing to its point, on each side of +this triangle, and through its middle. + +This, of course, was a demonstration. Venison and myself followed up again, +and, sure enough, we "had 'em," as he predicted. There they were, roaring +in the top of a great oak, like thunder, coming in and going out, wheeling +up and down through the air as though some great celebration was going on. +It seemed that the whole hive of workers must have broken forth to capture +and carry away Venison's honey-box. + +"Will they sting?" inquired I. + +"Some folks say they will," he replied. "If they hate a man they'll follow +him a mile; and nobody knows who they hate and who they don't, until +they're tried." + +"Where's the honey?" I inquired again. + +"Well, that's the next thing I'm arter;" and Venison put his ear to the +trunk of the tree to ascertain in what part of it they were "a-workin'." He +listened a while, but "they warn't low down, he know'd, for he didn't hear +'em hummin'." He thought the honey was "out the way, high up somewhere." So +at the tree he went with his axe, and in half an hour the old oak--older, +probably, than any man on the globe--came down with a crash that roused up +all the echoes of the wilderness. + +Upon an examination, the honey was, probably, Venison thought, packed away +in a hollow of the tree, about fifty feet from the ground, as a large +knot-hole was discerned, out of which the bees were streaming in great +consternation. So he severed the trunk again, at the bottom of the hollow, +and there it was, great flakes piled one upon another, some of which had +been broken by the fall of the tree, and were dripping and oozing out their +wild richness. + +"That's the raal stuff," exclaimed Venison; "something 'sides bees-bread." + +Venison had brought nothing with him to hold his honey, and I was a little +curious to know how he would manage. He cut the tree again above the knot. +During his labor the bees had settled all over him. His hands, face, and +hair were filled, besides a circle of them that were angrily wheeling about +his head. But he heeded them not, except by an occasional shake, which was +significant of pity rather than rage. + +"Now," said Venison, when his work was finished, the tree cut, the +knot-hole stopped, and the whole turned upside down, "that's what I call a +nat'ral bee-hive, and we'll just stuff in a little dry grass on the top, +and then I'll be ready to move." + +[Illustration: A BEE HUNT. + +"That's the raal stuff," exclaimed Venison; "something 'sides bees'-bread." +Page 62.] + +"Move!" I exclaimed, "move! You don't expect _ue_ will carry home a _tree_, +do you?" + +"Two or three on 'em, I s'pect. Venison allers gets as much as that." + +Venison was right. Before noon, half a dozen hives were captured and ready +for removal. I confess, after the excitement was over, that I began to grow +quite serious over my forenoon's labor. I sat down to rest myself, and the +very solemnity of the wilderness produced a sober train of thought. A +south-west breeze sprang up loaded with the dying breath of the +fall-flowers. It was blowing down the leaves around me, and piling them up +in gorgeous drifts. Like an undertaker around the remains of the dead, it +was quietly tearing down the drapery, and preparing the year for its +burial. A haze overspread everything, and the distance was mellow, the +objects indistinct, and the whole landscape seemed swimming, as we +sometimes see it in a dream. The trees were covered with haze; and a canoe, +on its way down, appeared to be hung up in the air; the birds were hazy; +and, looking about me, I appeared to be sitting in a great tent of haze. +The squirrels were clattering through the trees, and throwing down the +nuts; the partridges were drumming; the rabbits rustling through the dry +leaves; the water-fowl hurrying through the air; and the crickets, those +melancholy musicians, were piping a low, dirge-like strain to the golden +hours of autumn as they passed away. + +I thought I could hear the great heart of Nature beat with measured and +palpitating strokes; could feel the pendulum of Time swinging back and +forth. + +But I said I was rather sober. There stood our six bee-hives, and clinging +to each in large clusters were its inhabitants, who had been driven forth +by us to brave a pitiless winter. We had destroyed six cities, and banished +their people; six cities, six governments of law and order. Cities laid out +in lanes, and streets, and squares; cities of dwelling-houses and castles; +cities filled with all sorts of people; all castes in society. There were +the queen and her palace; the drones and their castles; and the serf, or +day-laborer, and his hut; and there, sitting upon her throne, the sovereign +swayed as mighty a sceptre, tyrannized over as great a people, in her +opinion, as any human despot. She undoubtedly bustled about, talked large, +swelled up herself with her importance, boasted of her blood, of her divine +right to rule (certainly divine in her case), just as all earthly princes +do. There she projected plans of war, marshalled her forces, and stimulated +their courage with inflammatory appeals. She talked about her house as the +royal line, as the French used to about the Bourbons. And then a lazy +aristocracy had been broken up by us; we had turned hundreds of drones +adrift, and according to the modern definition, drones must be aristocrats; +that is, they did no work, and lived upon the labor of others. They were, +in all probability, just like all other aristocratic drones. They lounged +about the hive in each other's company; had an occasional uproar at each +other's table; turned out to take the morning air, and slept after dinner. +They probably advised in all matters of public policy, and cried every day, +"Long live the Queen." I did not care much about the drones, however. But +we had turned the poor day-laborer out of doors; he who rose with the sun, +and went forth to work while the dew was yet tying on the flowers. We had +humbled the pride of six cities, and brought it to the dust. Is it strange +that I felt sober? + +But Venison broke my musing by informing me that it was "about time to +cakalate a little about getting our honey home, and he guessed he'd go and +rig up a raft, and float the cargo down." + +And soon a raft was constructed of flood-wood, and bound together with +green withes, the honey rolled aboard, two long poles prepared to be used +to guide the craft, and away we glided, followed by a long train of bees, +who had been despoiled, and who streamed along after us, until the shadows +of evening arrested their flight, and parted them and their treasure +forever. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + + The Log-Chapel.--Father Beals.--Aunt Graves.--Sister + Abigail.--Bigelow Van Slyck, the Preacher.--His Entree.--How + he worked.--One of his Sermons.--Performance of the + Choir.--"Coronation" achieved.--Getting into + Position.--Personal Appeals.--Effect on the + Congregation.--Sabbath in the Wilderness.--Is Bigelow the + only Ridiculous Preacher? + + +Puddleford was not altogether a wilderness, although it was located near a +wilderness. It was located just on the outskirts of civilization, and, like +Venison Styles, it caught a reflection of civilized life from the east, and +of savage life from the west. It was an organized township, and was a part +of an organized county. There were hundreds and thousands of men who were +busy at work all over this county, cutting down the trees and breaking up +the soil. Law and religion had found their way among them, just as they +always accompany the American pioneer. It could not be otherwise; because +these obligations grow up and weave themselves into the very nature of the +people of our republic. They are written on the soul. So that judicial +circuits, a court-house and jail, Methodist circuits and circuit-riders, +and meeting-houses, were established. All this was rough, like the country +itself. + +Few persons have ever attempted to define the piety of just such a +community as this; and yet it has a form, tone, and character peculiarly +its own. The portraits of the Puddlefordians were just as clearly +reproduced in their religion, as if they had been drawn by sunlight. + +The "log-chapel," as it was called at Puddleford, was filled each week, +with one or two hundred rough, hard-featured, unlearned men and women, who +had come in from all parts of the country; some for devotional exercises, +some for amusement; some to look, and some to be looked at. This +congregation shifted faces each week, like the colors in a kaleidoscope. It +was never the same. The man in the pulpit must have felt as though he were +preaching to a running river, whose parts were continually changing. Yet +there was a church at Puddleford, in the strict sense of the word; it was +organized, and had, at the time I refer to, ten regular members in good +standing; all the rest was "floating capital," that drifted in from Sunday +to Sunday, and swelled the "church proper." + +There was "Father Beals," and old "Aunt Graves," and "Sister Abigail," who +were regular attendants at all times and seasons. They were, beyond all +doubt, the pillars of the Puddleford church. Father Beals was _the_ church, +before any building for worship was erected. He was looked upon as a +living, moving, spiritual body; a Methodist organization in himself; and +wherever he went to worship on the Sabbath, whether in a private house, a +barn, or in the forest, all the followers of that order were found with +him, drawn there by a kind of magnetism. The old man had been one of the +faithful from a boy; had carried his principles about him from day to day; +was indeed a light in the world; and he was, by some plan of PROVIDENCE, +flung far back into the wilderness, all burning, to kindle up and set on +fire those about him. His influence had built the log-chapel, and, like a +regulator in a watch, he kept it steady, pushing this wheel a little +faster, and checking that. Sometimes he had to command, sometimes entreat, +sometimes threaten, sometimes soothe. + +"Father Beals" was a good man; and no higher compliment can be paid to any +person. His head was very large, bald, and his hair was white. There was an +expression of great benevolence in his face, and a cold calmness in his +blue eye that never failed to command respect. He used to sit, on Sundays, +just under the pulpit, with a red cotton handkerchief thrown over him, +while his wide-brimmed hat, that he wore into the country, stood in front, +on a table, and really seemed to listen to the sermon. + +"Aunt Graves" was a very useful body in her way, and the Puddleford church +could not have spared her any more than "Father Beals." She was an old +maid, and had been a member of the log-chapel from its beginning. She was +one of those sincere souls that really believed that there was but one +church in the world, and that was her own. She felt a kind of horror when +she read of other denominations having an actual existence, and wondered +"what kind of judgment would fall upon them." She didn't know very much +about the Bible, but she knew a great deal about religion; she knew all +about her own duty, and quite a good deal about the duty of her neighbors. + +Now "Aunt Graves" was useful in many ways. She kept, in the first place, a +kind of spiritual thermometer, that always denoted the range of every +member's piety except her own. Every slip of the tongue; every +uncharitable remark; every piece of indiscretion, by word or deed; all acts +of omission, as well as of commission, were carefully registered by her, +and could at any time be examined and corrected by the church. This was +convenient and useful. Then, she was a choice piece of melody; there was +not another voice like hers in the settlement. It had evidently been +pitched "from the beginning" for the occasion. It possessed great power, +was quite shaky (a modern refinement in music), and could be heard from a +half to three quarters of a mile. She has been known to sweep away on a +high note, and actually take the Puddleford choir off their feet. She rode +through the staff of music headlong, like a circus-rider around the ring; +and could jump three or four notes at any time, without lessening her +speed, or breaking the harmony. She would take any piece of sacred music by +storm, on the very shortest notice. In fact, she was _the_ treble, aided by +a few others who had received their instruction from her; and she was just +as indispensable to worship, she thought, as a prayer or a sermon. + +"Aunt Graves" always made it her business to "keep a sharp lookout" after +the morals of the preacher. "Men are but men," she used to say, "and +preachers are but men; and they need some person to give 'em a hunch once +in a while." Sometimes she would lecture him of the log-chapel for hours +upon evidences of piety, acts of immorality, the importance of +circumspection, the great danger that surrounded him--her tongue buzzing +all the while like a mill-wheel, propelled as it was by so much zeal. She +said it almost made her "crazy to keep the Puddleford church right side +up; for it _did_ seem as though she had everything on her shoulders; and +she _really_ believed it would have gone to smash long ago, if it hadn't +been for her." + +Now, "Sister Abigail" wasn't anybody in particular--that is, she was not +exactly a free agent. She was "Aunt Graves's" shadow--a reflection of her; +a kind of person that said what "Aunt Graves" said, and did what she did, +and knew what she knew, and got angry when she did, and over it when she +did. She was a kind of dial that "Aunt Graves" shone upon, and any one +could tell what time of day it was with "Aunt Graves," by looking at +"Sister Abigail." + +Besides these lights in the church, there were about (as I have said) ten +or a dozen members, and a congregation weekly of one or two hundred. + +But I must not pass over the preacher himself. I only speak of one, +although many filled the pulpit of the Puddleford church during my +acquaintance with it. Bigelow Van Slyck was at one time a circuit-rider on +the Puddleford circuit; and I must be permitted to say, he was the most +important character that had filled that station prior to the time to which +I have reference. He was half Yankee, half Dutch; an ingenious cross, +effected somewhere down in the State of Pennsylvania. He was not yet a +full-blown preacher, but an exhorter merely. He was active, industrious, +zealous, and one would have thought he had more duty on his hands than the +head of the nation. His circuit reached miles and miles every way. He was +here to-day, there to-morrow, and somewhere else next day; and he ate and +slept where he could. + +Bigelow's appointments were all given out weeks in advance. These +appointments must be fulfilled; and he was so continually pressed, that one +would have thought the furies were ever chasing him. + +I have often seen him rushing into the settlement after a hard day's ride. +He wore a white hat with a wide brim, a Kentucky-jean coat, corduroy vest +and breeches, a heavy pair of clouded-blue yarn stockings, and stogy boots. +He rode a racking Indian pony, who wore a shaggy mane and tail. Bigelow +usually made his appearance in Puddleford just as the long shadows of a +Saturday evening were pointing over the landscape. The pony came clattering +in at the top of his speed, panting and blowing, as full of business and +zeal as his master, while Bigelow's extended legs and fluttering bandana +kept time to the movement. The women ran to the doors, the children paused +in the midst of their frolic, as his pony stirred up the echoes around +their ears; and it is said that the chickens and turkeys, who had often +witnessed the death of one of their number when this phantom appeared, set +up a most dismal hue-and-cry, and took to their wings in the greatest +consternation. + +We hope that none of our readers will form an unfavorable opinion of +Bigelow, after having read our description of him. He was the man of all +others to fill the station he occupied. He was as much a part of, and as +necessary to, the wilderness he inhabited, as the oak itself. He belonged +to the locality. He was one of a gallery of portraits that nature and +circumstances had hung up in the forest for a useful purpose, just as +Squire Longbow was another. The one managed the church, the other the +courts; and all this was done in reference to society as it was, not what +it ought to be, or might be. There was a kind of elasticity about Bigelow's +theology, as there was about the Squire's law, that let all perplexing +technicalities pass along without producing any friction. They were +graduated upon the sliding-scale principle, and were never exactly the +same. + +Bigelow was a host in theology in his way. He could reconcile at once any +and every point that could be raised. He never admitted a doubt to enter +into his exhortations, but he informed his hearers at once just how the +matter stood. He professed to be able to demonstrate any theological +question at once, to the satisfaction of any reasonable mind; and it was +all folly to labor with the unreasonable, he said, for they would "fight +agin the truth as long as they could, any way." + +I used occasionally to hear him exhort, and he was in every respect an +off-hand preacher. He worked like a blacksmith at the forge. Coat, vest, +and handkerchief, one after the other, flew off as he became more and more +heated in his discourse. At one time he thundered down the terrors of the +law upon the heads of his hearers; at another he persuaded; and suddenly he +would take a facetious turn, and accompany the truth with a story about his +grandfather down on the Ohio, or an anecdote that he had read in the +newspapers. He wept and he laughed, and the whole assembly were moved as +his feelings moved; now silent with grief, and now swelling with +enthusiasm. + +I recollect one of his sermons in part, and, in fact, the most of the +services accompanying it. It was a soft day in June. The birds were singing +and revelling among the trees which canopied the chapel. The church was +filled. The choir were all present. "Father Beals," "Aunt Graves," and +"Sister Abigail" were in their accustomed seats. The farmers from the +country had "turned out;" in fact, it was one of the most stirring days +Puddleford had ever known. It was quite evident that the occasion was +extraordinary, as "Aunt Graves" was very nervous the moment she took her +seat in the choir. If any error should be committed, the exercises would be +spoiled, prayers, preaching, and all; because, according to her judgment, +they all depended upon good music; and _that_ she was responsible for. So +she began to hitch about, first this way, and then that; then she ran over +the music-book, and then the index to it; then she hummed a tune inaudibly +through her nose; then she examined the hymn-book, and then changed her +seat; and then changed back again. She was, in her opinion, the wheel that +kept every other wheel in motion; and what if _that_ wheel should stop! + +But the hymn was at last given out; and there was a rustling of leaves, and +an a-hemming, and coughing, and spitting, and sounding of notes; and a toot +on a cracked clarinet, which had been wound with tow; and a low grunt from +a bass-viol, produced by a grave-looking man in the corner. Then all rose, +and launched forth in one of those ancient pieces of church harmony, +"Coronation;" every voice and instrument letting itself go to its utmost +extent. One airy-looking person was pumping out his bass by rising and +falling on his toes; another, more solemn, was urging it up by crowding his +chin on his breast; another jerked it out by a twist of his head; while one +quiet old man, whose face beamed with tranquillity, just stood, in perfect +ecstasy, and let the melody run out of his nose. The genius on the +clarinet blew as if he were blowing his last. His cheeks were bloated, his +eyes were wild and extended, and his head danced this way and that, keeping +time with his fingers; and he who sawed the viol tore away upon his +instrument with a kind of ferocity, as if he were determined to commit some +violence upon it. But the treble--what shall I say of _it_? "Aunt Graves" +was nowhere to be seen, after the "parts" had got into full play; she put +on the power of her voice, and "drowned out" everything around her at once; +and then, rising higher and higher, she rushed through the notes, the choir +in full chase after her, and absolutely came out safely at last, and struck +upon her feet, without injuring herself or any one else. + +When this performance closed, quite an air of self-satisfaction played over +the faces of all, declaring clearly enough that their business was over for +an hour at least. In fact, "Aunt Graves" was entirely out of breath, and +remained in a languishing state for several minutes. So they busied +themselves the best way they could. They gazed at every person in the house +except the preacher, and did everything but worship. I noticed that it was +very difficult for the female portion to "get into position." They tried a +lounge and a lean, an averted face and a full one. Then their +bonnet-strings troubled them, and then their shawls; and now a lock of hair +got astray, and then something else. The men were as philosophical and +indifferent as so many players at a show. He of the clarinet once so forgot +the day as to raise his instrument to the window and take a peep through +it, so that he might detect its air-holes, if any there were; and he +afterwards amused himself and me, a long time, by gravely licking down its +tow bandage, so that it might be in condition when called upon to perform +again. In fact, the Puddleford choir was very much like choirs in all other +places. + +By and by, Bigelow took his stand, preparatory to his sermon. I do not +intend to follow Bigelow through his discourse, because I could not do so +if I attempted it; nor would it be of any importance to the reader, if I +could. He said he would not take any text, but he would preach a sermon +that would suit a hundred texts. He did not like to confine himself to any +particular portion of the Bible; but wished to retain the privilege of +following up the manifold sins of his congregation, in whomsoever or +wherever they existed. He then launched himself forth, denouncing, in the +first place, the sin of profanity, which is very common in all new +countries, evidently having in view two or three of his hearers who were +notoriously profane; and after considering the question generally, he +declared "that of all sinners, the profane man is the greatest fool, +because he receives nothing for his wickedness. A'n't that true, Luke +Smith?" he continued, as he reached out his finger towards Luke, whose +daily conversation was a string of oaths; "a'n't that true? How much have +_you_ made by it?--answer to me, and this congregation." Luke quivered as +if a shock of electricity had passed through him. + +Bigelow then gave a short history of his own sins in that line at an early +day, before he entered the pulpit, when he was young and surrounded by +temptations; but, he said, he reformed at last, and every other man might +do so by the same means. "When you feel yourself swelling with a big +oath--for every man feels 'em inside before they break out," exclaimed +Bigelow,--"jump up and cry "Jezebel!" three times in succession, and you'll +feel as calm as an infant. This," he continued, "lets off the feeling +without the commission of sin, and leaves the system healthy." + +He next considered the sin of Sabbath-breaking; and he poured down the +melting lava upon the heads of his hearers with a strength and ingenuity +that I have seldom seen equalled. "Men," he said, "would labor harder to +break the Sabbath than they would for bread. They would chase a deer from +morning till night on this holy day, kill him, and then _throw the carcass +away_; but week-days they lounge about some Puddleford dram-shop, while +their families were suffering. Men, too," he continued, "fish on Sundays, +because the devil has informed them that fish bite better. It is the devil +himself who does the biting, not the fish; it is _he_ who is fishing for +_you_; for Bill Larkin, and Sam Trimble, and Hugh Williams, and scores of +others; he's got you now, and you will be scaled and dressed for his table +unless you escape instantly;" and then, to impress his illustration, he +soared away into a flight of eloquence just suited to his hearers; rough +and fiery, plain and pointed, neither above nor below the capacity of those +he addressed. + +Bigelow then made a descent upon lying and liars. He regretted to say that +this sin was very common in the church. "He had a dozen complaints before +him now, undecided;" and he detailed a few of them, as specimens of "the +depravity of the human heart." He "didn't want to hear any more of them, as +he had something else to do, besides taking charge of the tongues of his +church." + +Then came an exhortation on _duties_; and almost every practical virtue +was mentioned and impressed. Early rising, industry, economy, modesty, +contentment, etc., etc., all received a notice at his hands. "Don't sleep +yourselves to death!" exclaimed Bigelow; "rise early! work! for while you +sleep the Enemy will sow your fields full of tares; and the only way to +keep him out is to be on the spot _yourself_!" This was a literal +application of the parable, it is true; yet it was very well done, and +productive, I have no doubt, of some good. + +Bigelow closed in a most tempestuous manner. He was eloquent, sarcastic, +and comical, by turns. He had taken off nearly all his clothes, except his +pantaloons, shirt, and suspenders; a custom among a certain class of +western preachers, however strange it may appear to many readers. Streams +of perspiration were running down his face and neck; his hair was in +confusion; and altogether, he presented the appearance of a man who had +passed through some convulsion of nature, and barely escaped with his life. + +I could not help thinking that Bigelow was entitled to great credit, not +only for the matter his sermon contained, but in being able to deliver a +sermon at all amid the confusion which often surrounded him. There were a +dozen or more infants in the crowd, some crowing, some crying, and some +chattering. One elderly lady, in particular, had in charge one of these +responsibilities, that seemed to set the place and the preacher at +defiance. She tried every expedient to quiet the little nuisance, but it +was of "no use." She set it down, laid it down, turned it around, nursed +it, chirped at it; and finally, giving up in despair, she placed it on her +knee, the child roaring at the top of its lungs, and commenced trotting it +in the very face of the audience. This operation cut up the music of the +innocent, and threw it out in short, quick jerks, very agreeable to the +preacher and congregation. + +An excellent old woman also sat directly in front of Bigelow, her left +elbow resting on her knee, which she swayed to and fro with a sigh. Her +face lay devoutly in the palm of her hand, while her right thumb and +fore-finger held a pinch of snuff, which she every now and then slowly +breathed up a hawk-bill nose, with a long-drawn whistle, something after +the sort that broke forth from the clarinet a while before. She then blew a +blast into a faded cotton handkerchief, that reverberated like the voice of +"many trumpets." This was followed by fits of coughing, and sneezing, and +sighing; in fact, she sounded as great a variety of notes as the choir +itself. + +Besides all this, a troop of dogs who had followed their masters were +continually marching up and down the chapel; and when any unusual +excitement occurred with Bigelow, or any one else, as there did several +times, we had a barking-chorus, which threatened to suspend the whole +meeting. Bigelow, however, didn't mind any or all of these things; but, +like a skilful engineer, he put on the more steam, and ran down every +obstacle in his way. + +Reader, I have given you a description of the log-chapel at Puddleford. It +is like a thousand other places of public worship in a "new country." If +there is something to condemn, there is more to praise. There seems to be a +providence in this, as in all other things. + +The settlers in a forest are a rough, hardy, and generally an honest race +of men. It is their business to hew down the wilderness, and prepare the +way for a different class who will surely follow them. They cannot +cultivate their minds to any extent, or refine their characters. They must +be reached through the pulpit by such means as _will_ reach them. Of what +importance is a nice theological distinction with them? Of what force a +labored pulpit disquisition? They have great vices and strong virtues. +Their vices must be smitten and scattered with a sledge-hammer; they are +not to be played with in a flourish of rhetoric. Just such a human tornado +as Bigelow is the man for the place; he may commit some mischief, but he +will leave behind him a purer moral atmosphere and a serener sky. + +Society, in such a place as Puddleford, is cultivated very much like its +soil. Both lie in a state of rude nature, and both must be improved. The +great "breaking-plough," with its dozen yoke of cattle, in the first place, +goes tearing and groaning through the roots and grubs that lie twisted +under it, just as Bigelow tore and groaned through the stupidity and +wickedness of his hearers. Then comes the green grass, and wheat, and +flowers, as years draw on; producing, at last, "some sixty, and some a +hundred-fold." + +There is something impressive in the Sabbath in the wilderness. A quiet +breathes over the landscape that is almost overwhelming. In a city, the +church-steeples talk to one another their lofty music; but there are no +bells in the wilderness to mark the hours of worship. The only bell which +is heard is rung by Memory, as the hour of prayer draws nigh; some +village-bell, far away, that vibrated over the hills of our nativity, the +tones of which we have carried away in our soul, and which are awakened by +the solemnity of the day. + +There is a philosophy in all this, if we will but see it; there is more; +there is a lesson, possibly a reproof. If we are disposed to smile at the +rusticity of a Puddleford church, may we not with equal reason become +serious over the overgrown refinement of many another? May not something be +learned in the very contrast which is thus afforded? Do not the extravagant +hyperbole, coarse allusions, irreverent anecdote, and strong but unpolished +shafts of sarcasm, that such as Bigelow so unsparingly scatter over the +sanctuary, give a rich background and strong relief to the finished +rhetoric of many a pulpit essay, that has been written to play with the +fancy and tranquillize the nerves of a refined and fashionable audience? +Are not the extremes equally ridiculous? the one not having reached, the +other having passed the zenith. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + + Indian Summer.--Venison Styles again.--Jim Buzzard.--Fishing + Excursion.--Muskrat City.--Indian Burying-ground.--The + Pickerel and the Rest of the Fishes.--The Prairie.--Wild + Geese.--The Old Mound.--Venison's Regrets at the + degenerating Times.--His Luck, and Mine.--Reminiscences of + the Beavers.--Camping out.--Safe Return. + + +Indian summer had not yet taken her bow from the woods or her breath from +the sky. Old Autumn still lay asleep; Time stood by, with his hour-glass +erect, slowly counting the palpitations of his heart. + +Venison Styles appointed a day for a fishing excursion, and was desirous of +my company; so, on one of those bright mornings, we might have been seen +loading our gear into the boat, preparatory to a night's lodging in the +woods. We were accompanied by "Jim Buzzard," a genuine Puddlefordian, whom +we took along to do up the little pieces of drudgery that always attend +such an expedition. + +Puddleford was a wonderful place for fish-eaters, and the only real harvest +the villagers had was the fish-harvest. One half of Puddleford lived on +fish, and everybody fished. But our "Jim Buzzard" was a character in fish, +and I could never excuse myself if I should pass him over unnoticed. + +Where "Jim" was born--who was his father or mother--and whether he +actually ever had any, are questions that no mortal man was ever yet able +to answer. He appeared one spring morning in Puddleford with the swallows. +The first thing seen of him, he was sitting, about sunrise, on an old dry +goods' box, at the corner of a street, whistling a variety of lively airs. +The crown was dangling from the top of his hat, he was shirtless and +unshaved, and his shoes gaped horribly at the public. + +"Jim" was a genuine loafer, and loafers, you know, reader, pervade every +place, and are always the same. There is a certain class of animals that +are said to follow civilization, as sharks follow in the wake of a ship, +and generally for the same reason, to pick up what they can find. Rats and +loafers belong to this class, and there is no human ingenuity shrewd enough +to keep them off: their appearance seems to be a simple fulfilment of a law +of nature. + +Jim Buzzard was a fisher, too, and nothing but a fisher. He would sit on an +old log by the bank of the river, and hold a pole from morning until night. +If the fish would bite, very well; if they would not, very well. Ill-luck +never roused his wrath, because there was no wrath in him to arouse. He was +a true philosopher, and was entirely too lazy to get into a passion. Jim +knew that the fish would bite to-morrow, or next day, if they didn't +to-day. He was happy, completely so; that is, as completely happy as the +world will admit. He didn't envy anybody--not he. All his wants were +supplied, and what did he care about the possessions of his neighbors? He +never realized any future, here or hereafter. Jim never lay awake nights, +thinking about where he would be, or what he should have, next week. He +didn't know as there was any next week. He knew the sun rose and set, which +was all the time he ever measured at once. Well, as I said, Jim made one of +our company. + +Our boat was finally loaded, our crew shipped, and we shot forth into the +stream. The water lay as smooth as glass, and the reflected colors of the +blazing trees that hung over it gave it the appearance of a carpet. The +headlands put out here and there, intersected by long gores of marsh, that +ran away a mile or more in the distance. + +Upon one of these marshes a city had been reared by the muskrats, which +presented an interesting appearance. Hundreds of huts had been erected by +this busy population, intended by them as their winter quarters, composed +of grass and sticks and mud, and hoisted up beyond the reach of the spring +floods. Each one was a little palace, and the whole sat upon the water like +a miniature Venice. Here huts were entered by diving down, the front door +being always concealed to prevent intrusion. Up and down the canals of this +city the inhabitants gossiped and gambolled by moonlight, like those of +every other gay place. They had their routs, and cotillons, and suppers, in +all human probability, and for aught I know drank themselves stupid. +Perhaps they kept up an opera. I say perhaps--we know so little of the +inner life of these strange creatures, that we may draw upon the +imagination in regard to their amusements as much as we please. If any +transcendental muskrat should ever write the history of this colony, I will +forward it to the newspapers by the first mail. + +Venison said, "we were going to have a wet time on't, cause the rats had +built so high, and the whole mash would be covered bime-by, by the rains." +He said, "muskrats know'd more nor men about times ahead, and fixed up +things 'cordingly." + +Our boat glided along until we came in sight of a huge bluff that had +pushed itself half across the stream. A melancholy fragment of one of the +tribes of Indians, who once held the sovereignty of the soil, and who had +escaped a removal, or had wandered back from their banishment, were +clustered upon it. They had erected a long pole, and gathered themselves, +hand in hand, in a circle about it; within this circle, their medicines and +apparel worn in worship, lay for consecration. The plaintive chant was +heard melting along the waters, as they wheeled round and round in their +solemn service. I have never looked upon a more touching exhibition. Most +of these Indians were very old; they had outlived their tribe, their +country, their glory--everything but their ceremonies and themselves. What +a beautiful tribute was this to the past! a handful of worshippers +lingering round the broken altar of their temple, and hallowing its very +ruins. + +Near by, and on the southern slope of the bluff, lay the remains of an +extensive Indian burying-ground. No white man could tell its age. Large +oaks, centuries old, that had grown since the dead were first deposited +there, stood up over the graves. No monuments of stone designated the +thousands of sleepers--the living themselves were the monuments of the +dead. Weapons of war and peace were scattered beneath the turf, mixed with +crumbling human bones. + +What were this little band of red men, thought I, but so many autumn +leaves? A few years more, and the solitary boat, as it turns this headland, +will find no warrior kneeling on its height. The Great Spirit will brood +alone over the solitude. + +By and by, we turned into a bay, sheltered by an overhanging cliff, where +we cast our anchor, and made ready for work. The water was transparent, and +the shining pebbles glittered in the sandy depths below. Shoals of fish had +gathered in this nook, beyond the strife of waters. The sun-fish, his back +all bristling with rage, ploughed around with as much ferocity as a +privateer; the checkered perch lazily rolled from side to side, as his +breath came and went; the little silver dace darted and flashed through +each other their streams of light; and away off, all alone, the pickerel, +that terror of the pool, stood as still and dart-like as the vane of a +steeple. + +This congregation reminded me of the stir we sometimes find in the ports of +a city. They seemed to have much business on hand. They were continually +putting out and putting in; sometimes alone and sometimes in fleets. I +noticed an indolent old "sucker," who made several unsuccessful attempts to +reach the current, and get under headway. Once in a while, a fish would +come dashing in from above, like a ship before a gale, throwing the whole +community into an uproar. + +Below us, on the left bank of the river, stretched a prairie which was +several miles in circumference. It was dotted, here and there, with a +settler's cabin, but the greater part yet lay in the wild luxuriance of +nature. It was surrounded by the forest, and long points of woodland +pierced it, now glowing like a flame. Shooting back and forth, the +prairie-hens sailed across it like boats upon the main. The sky above it +was filled with hawks, sweeping round and round in search of prey--now they +rested upon their outspread wings--then plunged through a long-drawn +curve--then gracefully moved near the earth in downward circles, as some +object was discovered, winnowing a while above it, to make sure of its +nature and position, and rising once more, and turning with lightning +quickness, away they rushed upon their quarry, and soared away with it on +high. + +In the depth of winter, when the lakes and rivers are bound in ice, vast +bodies of geese assemble there. Acres of ground are covered, and they storm +about their camp like an army of soldiers. Some commanding elevation, far +out from shore, beyond the reach of the hunter's gun, is selected. When +disturbed, their sentinels blow the alarm, and away they go, piping their +dismal dirge, until it dies afar in the sky. By daybreak the next morning, +they are on the ground again, as tranquil as though nothing had happened. + +It is almost impossible to trap these wanderers. Before they establish +their quarters, they study the landscape with the eye of a painter. They +take a daguerrian view of objects as they are. The log-hut, with its +curling smoke--the hay-stack crowned with snow--the settler's cart tipped +up, its tongue pointing towards the north star--a goose understands as well +as a man. _They_ never blow up nor work destruction. But just try an +artificial house of boughs, a brush fence, or an intrenchment near their +lines. They see the plot at a glance, and draw out of harm's way, and pitch +their snowy tents again, beyond its reach. As well chase the fabled island +as a flock of wild geese. + +Not far below this prairie, near the bank of the river, a venerable mound +raised its solitary head. It was thinly covered with oaks, and belonged to +Oblivion. It was one of the few feathers that Time had cast in his flight, +to mark the past and confuse the present. It looked like a hand reached out +from eternity; but _whose_ hand? Ay, whose? Who built it? When? Why? It was +filled with all kinds of strange things that had been planted there by a +busy race who were unable to preserve their own history. Their works had +outlived themselves; but they cannot talk to us, nor tell us what they are, +nor who fashioned them. There it stands, gazing dumbly at all who look upon +it, a sad lesson to individual pride or national glory. + +Venison did not seem quite satisfied with the prospect of catching fish in +the little bay. "'Tain't as it used to be," sighed the old hunter. "Before +the woods were cut down, and them are dams built," said he, "the whole +river was alive with all sorts of fish. In the spring-time the salmon-trout +and sturgeon used to come up out of the lakes to feed, but they can't get +up any more. They keep trying it every year yet, and thousands on 'em may +be seen packed in below old Jones' dam, 'long 'bout April, waiting and +waiting for it to go off. For I s'pose they think 'tain't nothing but +flood-wood lodged." + +"Why don't they climb it?" inquired I. + +"When the water is very high up, and there arn't much of a riffle there, +they will sometimes; but they can't climb like them speckled trout--they'll +go right up a mountain stream, and make nothing on't--them fellers beat all +nater for going anywhere." + +However, as I said somewhere back in my narrative, we made ready for work. +We looked around for Jim Buzzard, and found him sitting in the bow of the +boat, his legs sprawled out, his head dropped on his chin, his ragged hat +cocked on one side, fast asleep. There was an ease and self-abandonment +about his appearance that were really beautiful. Jim could sleep +anywhere--some people can't. He was never nervous. He never had any spasms +about something that could never occur. He had no notes falling due--no +crops in the ground--no merchandise on his hand--no property, except the +little he carried on his back, and that he didn't really own; it was given +to him--he was no candidate for office, and didn't even know or care who +was President--all administrations were alike to him, for all had treated +him well. He never flew into a passion because some persons slandered him, +because he had no character to injure. + +"Hallo, Jim!" I screamed, with my mouth to his ear, "the boat is sinking." + +He gaped, and groaned, and stretched a few times, and finally opened his +eyes, and adjusted his hat, and looking up at me, "Let her sink, then," he +replied; "we can get-er up agin." + +"Stir around! stir around, Jim!" I exclaimed; "the fish are waiting for our +bait; out with your pole." + +He said, "_he_ was goin' overboard arter fresh-water clams--kase they were +good with salt, and anybody could eat 'em;" and rolling up his breeches, +over he went, and moving away down near a sandy beach, he commenced digging +his clams with his feet, and piling them up on shore by his side. + +Venison and myself dashed our lines overboard. I watched every movement of +the old hunter. He went through as many ceremonies as a magician working a +charm. His "minnys" (minnows), as he called them, were hooked tenderly at a +particular place in the back, so that they might shoot around in the water, +without dying in the effort; his hook was pointed in a certain direction, +so as to catch at the first bite; he then spit upon the bait, and swinging +the line a few times in circles, he threw it far out in the stream. + +"That'll bring a bass, pickerel, or something," said he, as it struck the +water. + +Soon the pole bent, and Venison sprang upon it. + +"Pull him out!" exclaimed I. + +"Don't never hurry big fish," replied he; "let him play round a little; +he'll grow weak byme-by, and come right along into the boat;" and +accordingly, Venison "_let_ him play;" he managed the fish with all that +refinement in the art that sportsmen know so well how to appreciate and +enjoy. Sometimes it raced far up the stream, then far down; and once, as +the line brought it up on a downward trip, it bounded into the air, and +turned two or three summersets that shook the silver drops of water from +its fins. After a while, it became exhausted, and Venison slowly drew him +into the boat, all breathless and panting; a famous pickerel, four feet +long and "well proportioned." + +My poles, all this time, remained just where I first placed them--not a +nibble, as I knew. Some very wicked people, I have been informed, swear at +fish when they refuse to bite--but I did not--because I have never been +able to see why _they_ were to blame, or why swearing would reform them, +if they were. It was no very good reason that they should take hold of one +end of my pole and line, because I happened to be at the other. + +Not having much luck with big fish, I concluded to amuse the "small fry." +So out went my hook ker-slump right down in the midst of a great gathering, +who seemed to have met on some business of importance. It was a little +curious to watch these finny fellows as they eyed my worm. They swept round +it in a circle, a few times, and coming up with a halt, and forming +themselves abreast, they rocked up and down from head to tail, as they +surveyed the thing. By and by, a perch, a little more venturesome than the +rest, floated up by degrees to the bait, his white fins slowly moving back +and forth, and carefully reaching out his nose, he touched it, wheeled, and +shot like a dart out of sight. In a few minutes he came round in the rear +of the company, to await further experiments. Next came the sun-fish, +jerking along, filled with fire and fury, with a kind of who's-afraid sort +of look, and striking at my hook, actually caught the tip of the barb, and +I turned the fellow topsy-turvy, showing up his yellow to advantage. He +left for parts unknown. There was a small bass who had strayed into the +community, whom I was anxious to coax into trouble; but he lay off on his +dignity, near an old root, to see the fun. I moved my hook towards him. He +shot off and turned head to, with a no-you-don't sort of air. I took my +bait from the water and spit on it, but it wouldn't do. I took it out +again, and went through an incantation over it, but I couldn't catch him by +magic; and I have no doubt, reader, he is there yet. + +Venison, every little while, dragged another and another pickerel aboard. +Pretty soon we had Jim Buzzard cleaning fish, and packing away in a barrel, +with a little sprinkling of salt. + +I gathered in my lines, arose, and thanked the whole tribe of fish, +generally and particularly, for their attendance upon me, and promised not +to trouble them for a month at least. + +The sun was waning low, and the shadows of the trees were pointing across +the river. The clouds in the west gathered themselves into all kinds of +pictures. There was a fleet of ships, all on fire, in full sail, far out at +sea; the fleet dissolved, and a city rose out of its ruins, filled with +temples, and domes, and turrets, and divided into streets, up and down +which strange and fantastic figures were hurrying. The city vanished, and a +pile of huge mountains shot up their rugged peaks, around which golden +islands lay anchored, all glowing with light. Away one side, I noticed a +grave, corpulent, and shadowy old gentleman, astride an elephant, smoking a +pipe, and he puffed himself finally away into the heavens, and I have never +seen him since--a solemn warning to persons who use tobacco. + +Venison said "we had better hunt up our camping-ground, for his stomach was +getting holler, and he wanted to fill it up." + +Below us, a sparkling stream put into the river. Just above it, a mile or +so, lay a broad lake, which was fed from this same stream--it came in from +the wilderness. We started for this lake, and wound our way up this little +creek amid the struggling shafts of sunlight that hung over it. The +water-fowl were hurrying past us, towards the same spot, to take up their +night's lodging, and we drove flocks of them ahead as we crowded upon them. +The dip of our oars echoed among the shadows. We reached our ground, +unloaded our gear, and prepared for the night. + +Venison directed Jim Buzzard to build a "stack" and get supper. So, a pile +of stones was laid up, with a flat one across the top, leaving a hole +behind for the smoke to escape. Venison knocked over a gray duck on the +lake with his rifle, and it was not long before we had four feet of +pickerel and that self-same duck sprawled out on the hot stone, frying. + +Venison was rather gloomy. "This," said he, "makes me think of times gone. +I used to camp here all alone, years ago, when there warn't no settlers for +miles. I used to catch otter and beaver and rat, and sleep out weeks to a +time. But the beaver and otter are gone." + +"Beaver here?" inquired I. + +"Why, not more'n nor a mile or so up this creek, I've killed piles on 'em. +Why, I seed a company on 'em, up there, once, of two or three hundred. They +com'd down one spring and clear'd off acres of ground that had grown up to +birch saplings, that they wanted to build a dam with, and there they let +the trees lie until August. Then they started to build their houses all +over the low water in the mash--great houses four or five feet through--and +they work'd in companies of four or five on a house till they got 'em done. +You jist ought to see 'em carry mud and stones between their fore-paws and +throat, and see 'em lay it down and slap it with their tails, like men who +work with a trowel." + +"Well," said I, "about those trees that they cleared off?" + +"When they got 'em done, then they all jined in to build a dam, to raise up +the water, so't wouldn't freeze up the doors of their houses. And then +there was a time on't. You might see 'em by moonlight, pitching in the +trees, and swimming down the stream with 'em, and laying 'em in the current +of the creek, like so many boys." + +"Pshaw!" said I. + +"Yes, sir! I seed one night a lot of beavers drawing one of the biggest +trees they had cut. It was more'n six inches through. They got it part over +the bank, when it stuck fast. Jest the top of the tree was in the water, +and there were four or five on 'em sousing round in the water, pulling this +way and that, and as many more on the bank jerking at it, until byme-by it +went in kerswash; the beavers all took hold on't, then, and towed it to the +dam." + +"And so they really built a dam?" + +"A dam three feet high, and forty or fifty long--all laid up with birch +trees, and mud and stones, so tight 'tain't gone yet. The beaver have gone +long ago, but the dam hain't." + +"How did you catch 'em?" said I. + +"When the fur is good, in the winter, we jest went round with our +ice-chisels and knocked their houses to pieces, when away they would go for +their _washes_, as we used to call 'em, where we fastened 'em in and +catch'd 'em." + +"Washes? what are they?" inquired I. + +"Holes the beavers dig in the bank, partly under water, where they can run +in and breathe without being seen." + +Venison was going on to tell me how many beaver skins he got, but the duck +and fish were done, and had been divided up by Jim Buzzard, and handsomely +laid out on a piece of clean bark, ready to eat. + +We ranged ourselves in a row, squat upon the ground like so many Turks, +drew our hunting-knives, and went to work. I looked out upon the lake that +lay like a looking-glass, draped with gauze, at my feet. Day was dying over +it like a strain of music. One slender bar of light lay trembling along its +eastern shore. By and by it crept up the bank; from that to a mound behind, +and from which it took a leap to a hill a mile distant, where it faded and +faded into twilight. The water-fowl were screaming among the flags, and I +noticed a belated hawk winging his way through the air on high, to his home +in the forest. I could almost hear the winnowing of his wings in the silent +sky. A chick-a-dee-dee came bobbing and winding down an oak near me, for +the purpose of coaxing a supper. The trees began to assume uncertain +shapes--the arms of the oaks stretched out longer and longer. The new moon +grew brighter and brighter in the west. There it hung, looking down into +the lake. The river sent up its hollow roar, the mists settled thicker and +thicker, and solemn night at last came down over the wilderness. + +After I had finished my watch of departing day, I looked around for my +company. "Jim" had been stuffing himself for the last half hour, until he +had grown as stupid as an over-fed anaconda. His jaws were moving very +slowly over the bone of a duck--his eyes were drowsy--and every now and +then he heaved a long-drawn sigh--a kind of melancholy groan over his +inability to eat any more. + +Venison said "we must build up our night fire to keep off the varmints," +and accordingly we reared a pile of brush of logs, set it a-going, made up +our bed of withered leaves, ranged ourselves in a circle with our feet +turned to the blaze, and were soon lost in sleep. + +Morn broke over us lovely as ever. As the first gray streaks began to melt +away, Venison roused up to get a deer for breakfast. We went out on to a +run-way, hid ourselves in the bushes, and soon a large buck, his antlers +swung aloft, came snuffing and cracking along over the leaves, on his way +to the lake to take his morning drink. Pop! and over he went, and soon his +"saddles" were taken out and carried into camp, our stack started, and +breakfast prepared. + +Another day was loitered away among the fish--another day, beautiful as the +last, we floated over the lake, and threaded the stream that poured into +it. At night we found ourselves safely moored at Puddleford, our boat +loaded with fish, and my soul filled with a thousand beautiful pictures of +nature, that hang there winter and summer, as bright and lovely as life +itself. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + + Educational Efforts.--Squire Longbow's "Notis."--"The + Saterday Nite."--Ike and the Squire.--Various Remarks to the + Point.--Mrs. Fizzle and the Temperance Question.--Collection + taken.--General Result. + + +There has been much written in the world about the benefits of education. I +am very sure that its importance was not overlooked in Puddleford. I cannot +say that the village has ever produced giants in literature, but it has +produced great men, comparatively speaking and judging, and very great if +we take the opinion of the Puddlefordians themselves. Somebody once said +that "in the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed are monarchs," and I +suppose it was upon this principle, if we give the maxim a literal +construction, that Squire Longbow, who had lost an eye, as the reader may +recollect, had become elevated to such a pitch among his neighbors. + +Education, in almost every western community, stands at about a certain +level among the masses. That level changes with changing generations, but +very seldom among individuals of the same. I ought perhaps to exclude the +Squire, who was an exception to all general rules, and would have +undoubtedly distinguished himself anywhere and under any circumstances. The +children of the pioneer, or a portion of them, receive educational +advantages, which had been denied the father, and their children still +greater, until at last the polished statue rises out of the marble in the +quarry. + +But there were efforts making at Puddleford, about the time I allude to, to +increase the common stock of knowledge, and keep up the general reputation +of Puddleford with that of the world, which ought not to pass unnoticed. + +One day in November, I discovered the following notice posted up in the +streets, and nailed to several trees adjacent to the highways in the +country:-- + + "NOTIS + + "To all it may konsarn--men, wimmin, and their children. + Whareas, edication, and knowlidg of all sorts, is very + likely to run down in all knew countrys, owin to a great + manny reasons that aint propper to go into this ere + notis--and whareas many of the habitants of Puddleford and + the circumjacint country all round bout it, are in danger of + suffering that way--And whareas a few of us leading men have + thot on the matter, and concluded that sumthing must very + soon be did, or til be too late--therefore a meeting will be + held at the log-chapel next Saterday nite, to raise up the + karacter of the people in this respect. + + (Signed.) + + 'SQUIRE LONGBOW And others.'" + +On the "Saterday nite," mentioned in the above "notis," I attended at the +log-chapel, for the purpose of raising up the "karacter of the people." The +gathering was large--made up of men and women, and quite a number were in +from the country. Squire Longbow, the "Colonel," "Stub Bulliphant" the +landlord of the Eagle, Ike Turtle the pettifogger, Sile Bates his opponent, +Charity Beadle, Philista Filkins, "Aunt Graves," "Sister Abigail," Sonora +Brown, and a large number of others, made up the meeting. It was very +evident that something _would_ be done. Pretty soon Ike Turtle rose, gave a +loud rap with his fist on the side of the house, and said it was "high time +this ere body came to order, and he would nominate Squire Longbow for +President." + +"You've heerd the nomination," continued the Squire, rising slowly from his +seat in another part of the house. "You who are in my favor say Ay!" + +"Ay!" exclaimed the house. + +"Clear vote--no use in putting the noes;" and Squire Longbow took his stand +in the pulpit, and proceeded:-- + +"Feller-citizens, ladies and gentlemen, all on you who are here, just keep +still while I thank you. We have cum up here on a pretty big +business--neither more nor less than edication. P'raps you don't all on you +know that edication makes everybody and everything--it made our +forefathers, it made some of us, and is a going to make our children, if +_we_ do _our_ duty. You have made me President on this occasion, and it is +my duty to thank you, and feller-citizens, you don't, you can't, no man +_can_ tell how I feel when--" + +Here Ike Turtle rose. "Squire Longbow," said Ike, "arn't it rather +on-parliamentary to be speaking when you hain't got no secretary to take +things down?" + +The Squire was thunderstruck. "No secretary!" he exclaimed, "no secretary! +all void! but I'll appoint Sile Bates secretary _tunk pro nunck_ (nunc pro +tunc), as we say in law, and that'll save proceedings--and as I was +saying," continued the Squire, "no man can tell how I feel, pressed down as +I am with the responsibility that you have thrown on to me." The Squire +then took his seat. + +Ike Turtle rose again to state the object of the meeting. He said "he was +an old residenter, and he had in fact grown up with the country. He had +seed everything go ahead except edication. Taking out the President, +members of the larned professions, the school-master, and the man who +tended Clewes' grocery, there warn't hardly a person of edication left. +Now," continued Ike, warming up, "this shouldn't orter be--we should all +set about de _tar_ mined to do something ('Amen!' groaned Father Beals.) +Why, if it looks dark, feller-citizens, remember the dark days of the +revolution, when the soldiers went roaming about, with a piece of +corn-bread in one hand, nothing in t'other, with ragged uniforms on, and +little or no breeches, yet all the while busting with patriotism. Jest turn +your eyes backwards on to them times, and you'll think you're in paradise. +Something's got to be did for edication. We've got to have a Lyceum, a +library, and lecters on all the subjects of the day. (Here 'Aunt Graves' +gave a groan, as she expected all this would be accomplished by taxation.) +Don't groan over yender," exclaimed Ike, "'taint right to groan at a new +thing just a-starting--might as well groan down a child for fear he +wouldn't be a man. Yes, they must be had--I say they must! or we'll all run +to seed, and die. Why, Christopher Columbus, men and women, how many on you +don't know your right hand from your left, scientifically speaking, and +byme-by we shall go to ruin as old Nineveh did. Mr. President, I move that +a collection be taken for the gineral purposes of this meeting." + +I was a little puzzled to determine whether Ike was serious or not. With +all his eccentricities, he was a good citizen, and always put his shoulder +to the public wheel. When he made his motion to take up a collection, a +dead calm fell upon the audience. After a few moments, Sile Bates rose, and +said,-- + +He "hoped this 'spectable meeting warn't going to Peter-out." + +The calm continued. Squire Longbow stepped forward from his seat in the +pulpit, and remarked that "he couldn't see what difference it would make a +thousand years hence whether they did anything, or whether they didn't." + +A man from the country "didn't know what money had to do with edication." + +The Colonel said his pockets were "as dry as a powder-house." + +One old lady thought "somebody'd have to sign for her 'fore spring." + +Aunt Graves thought that "poor folks, who lived on bil'd vittels, hadn't +orter be called on." + +The hat was, however, passed around, and three dollars and seventy-five +cents raised, "for the gineral purposes of the meeting," according to Ike's +motion; and I will say here that this amount was appropriated towards the +purchase of books for the Puddleford library, which was established at this +meeting, and which has now grown into usefulness and importance. + +The hat was reached up to the secretary, who gave it a couple of shakes, +declaring at the same time, that he was "happy to say that the public +spirit of Puddleford hadn't gin out yet." + +Squire Longbow then rose and said, that "some plan must be laid to get up a +set of lecters. There were three great sciences, law, preaching, and +physic--law consarned property, physic consarned the body, and preaching +consarned the soul. These sciences must be scattered, so everybody could +enjoy 'em. He could talk on law himself, and Bigelow could on preaching, +and physic was understood, any way. There were other subjects which would +come up in their order. There was paintin', and poetry, and music--but them +warn't of no account in a new country where money was skase. Politics was +one of the uncertain sciences, and it didn't do much good to speak on't, +any how. A feller might study and study, and just likely as not the next +election would blow him into fiddle-strings. Yet politics had got to be +had, 'cause that was what kept the country alive, and made liberty grow. +Old Gineral Washington himself had a little on't. He said 'twas one etarnal +job to start edication, but jist get the thing a-goin once, and it'll move +off like ile--it'll run rite off like a steam injin." + +Ike said "he know'd a curtain lecter or two might be had," looking round at +Stub Bulliphant. "They warn't the worst kind nother. They'd bring a man all +up standin', when nothin' else would. He'd seen a fellow cave right in +under one on 'em, and come out as cow'd as a whipt spaniel. About lecterin' +on politics, he didn't know. He guessed the bushes were a little too thick +to talk on that, yet. He hoped the meetin' would speak right out, and +'spress their feelin's, wimmin and all." + +Old Mrs. Fizzle had been watching the movement of this august body for some +time, and had thought, several times, that it was her duty to speak. When +Ike, therefore, invited "women and all," she concluded to try it. She was a +tall, weasel-faced looking person, and belonged to Bigelow's church. She +was an out-and-out temperance woman, and had kept all Puddleford hot by her +efforts to put down the sale of intoxicating drinks. She was a fiery, +nervous, active, good sort of a woman. Mrs. Fizzle rose. She said "she +thought she would give this meetin' a piece of her mind, consarnin' things +in general. She didn't know but the meetin' was well enough--she liked +meetins--she said she didn't care nothin' about politics, never did her any +good as she know'd on--she didn't want to hear any lecters any way 'bout +that. If some on 'em would talk 'bout temperance, she'd turn out, and give +a little something to help the cause along. She said if she really thought +that this meetin' could stop Clewes from selling licker, she'd tend it +reg'lar." + +"Certainly, ma'am," said Ike, rising, and turning his eyes towards Mrs. +Fizzle. "We'll put a _ha_bus corpus on to him 'fore breakfast to-morrow +morning." + +Mrs. Fizzle said, "she didn't know what that was, and she didn't care much, +if 'twould only hold him tight." + +Ike said "it would hold him--couldn't break it no how--it was made by the +law to catch just such chaps with." + +"Wal," said Mrs. Fizzle, "if the law made it, I'm 'fraid on't. I've hearn +tell how folks creep through holes the law leaves. I don't like your +scorpus, as you call it." + +Squire Longbow rose. "He felt it his duty to say, that a writ of habus +scorpus would hold anything on airth. It was one of the biggest writs in +all nater. He could hold all Clewes' grocery with one on 'em. He felt it +his duty further to say this as a magistrate, who was bound by his oath to +take care of the law." + +Mrs. Fizzle "thought that would do. She had great 'spect for the Squire's +opinion--and she now thought she'd go in for the meetin'." + +Sile Bates said, "for his part, he thought the meetin' was getting a good +deal mixed. 'Every tub orter stand on its own bottom,' as the Apostle Paul, +Shakspeare, John Bunyan, or some other person said. We can't do everything +all at onst; if we try, we can't make the Millennium come until 'tis time +for't. We can kinder straighten up matters--hold onto the public morals a +little more--and give edication a punch ahead. But who knows anything about +the sciences in Puddleford? and who can lecter? 'When the blind lead the +blind,' as the newspapers say, 'they all go head over heels into the +ditch.' Great Caesar Augustus, Mr. President, jist think of a lecter on +'stronomy, that _etarnal_ science, which no man can lay his hands on, which +the human intellect gets at by figuring. Just think of Bigelow Van Slyck, +Ike Turtle, or _you_, Mr. President, measuring the distance to the stars. +Don't it make your head swim, to think on't? He wouldn't say that the +Squire couldn't lay down the law for the people, 'cause he made most on't, +and ought to know it by heart. (The Squire gave a loud cough, and +straightened himself in his seat.) As for licker, he always _was_ agin it, +that is, he never touch'd it except in haying, harvesting, husking, and +occasionally, a little along, between, when he didn't feel right. He +s'posed he was a strict temperance man--was secretary of a teetotal society +once, but it died out for want of funds to keep up lights and fires. He +hop'd this meetin' wouldn't get so much on its shoulders, as to break down +'fore it got started." + +There were several more speeches and suggestions made. There were two or +three on the floor at once, several times, during the progress of business. +Order was out of the question. A course of lectures was finally decided +upon, and the meeting adjourned. The reader will not forget that the end +had in view by this rough, deliberate body was noble; and, in their own +way, they moved along steadily towards it. Such a people do not forget +their duty, however ludicrously the discharge of it may be at first. + +Looking back from the present, over a period of ten years, at the +proceedings of this meeting and its results, I feel quite disposed to write +down Squire Longbow, Ike Turtle, and Sile Bates, among the philanthropists +of the age. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + + Social War.--Longbow, Turtle & Co.--Bird, Swipes, Beagle & + Co.--Mrs. Bird.--Mrs. Beagle.--Mrs. Swipes--Turkey and + Aristocracy.--Scandal.--Husking-bees, and "such like."--The + Calathumpian Band.--The Horse-fiddle.--The Giant + Trombone.--The Gyastacutas.--Tuning up.--Unparalleled + Effort.--Puddleford still a representative Place. + + +I have taken the liberty, in the preceding chapters, to speak freely of +some of the leading characters of Puddleford. I have alluded to Longbow, +Turtle, and Bigelow, not because they were the only people of the village, +or the best; but because they were the rudder of society, and steered it +along in the same way that ships are guided over stormy waters. Now, there +were a great many more very excellent folks, who helped chink in and fill +up around these more important personages, and make up an harmonious whole. +Zeke Bird, the blacksmith, was one; Tom Beagle, the shoemaker, another; Lem +Swipes, the tailor, still another. These men were among the first settlers +of Puddleford, and had done as much towards its up-building as any other. +They had immigrated from a place in Ohio, and consequently knew something +about the world. All three families were cousins, or second cousins, to one +another, and they acted in unison upon any public or social question. + +They hated, with a supreme hatred, Longbow, Turtle & Co., because they +were "aristocrats." Mrs. Bird, who was a very impulsive, peak-nosed sort of +a woman, and who always wore a red flannel petticoat protruding beyond her +dress, and her shoes slip-shod, used to often say, "that if there was +anything she did despise it was a stick-up. She didn't believe old Mrs. +Longbow, or any of her darters, were any better than common folks; and +she'd see the whole pack on 'em pumpin' lightning at two cents a clap, +before she'd skrouch to 'em!" + +Mrs. Beagle was quite a different body. She was not so full of fire and +fury as Mrs. Bird. She didn't allow her feelings to get the advantage of +her malice. She moved more underground; yet she was always busy pecking +away at that "up-street clique," as she called them. + +Mrs. Beagle was a neat, tidy body, and wore an air of great sincerity about +her face. She used to say that "nothing grieved her _so much_ as to be +compelled to believe anything bad 'bout her neighbors," and that "she never +spoke of nothing till it got all over, and there warn't no use of holding +in any longer." She made it her business to watch the morals and religion +of all the Longbows, and Turtleses, and Bateses, and report accordingly. +She said "she didn't know but it was all right for a member of the +Methodist church, like Miss Lavinia Turtle, to wear three bows to her +bonnet on Sunday--she didn't _know_--she warn't going to say--'haps she +hadn't orter say--but the way _she_ looked at religion, 'twas as wicked as +Cain--for herself, she made no pretensions, but when folks did, she wanted +to see 'em lived up to." She said, "she meant to have Mrs. Bates turned out +of the church for riding out on Sunday, for she'd seen her several times +with her own eyes, six miles from town; but she wouldn't speak of it, if +it warn't such a scandal on her profession;" besides, she had it from good +authority, that "she water'd her milk 'fore she sold it, but she wouldn't +say who told her, 'cause she promised not to." + +Mrs. Swipes was a fat, blouzy-faced, coarse, ignorant woman, and revenged +herself by firing bombshells into the aristocratic camp every opportunity +she could get, and cared but little what she said, or whom she hit, if she +could only keep the enemy stirred up. "She'd heard that Mrs. Longbow's +father got into jail once down in Pennsylvania, and that the hull batch on +'em were as poor as Job's turkey; and that the old Squire himself had a +pretty tight nip on't; but his friends bailed him out, and he lean'd for +the west. As for Mrs. Bates, she _knew_ she'd lie, right flat out--she'd +catch'd her dozens of times; and, of course, Lavinia couldn't be any +better--for as the old cock crows, the young one learns. She wouldn't swap +characters with any on 'em, not she." + +The husbands of these ladies thought just about as much of Longbow & Co. as +their wives did. They were an indolent trio, and labored only enough to +keep soul and body together. The rest of their time was devoted to the +"Eagle tavern," street-lounging, and commentaries upon the daily +developments of the aristocracy. Each one of the families of these cliques +were social centres, around which others revolved, and drew all their light +and heat. And then there were still other families, away down below the +Birds and Beagles in the scale of respectability, who were ever warring +upon _them_, proving + + "That fleas have other fleas to bite 'em, + And so on, _ad infinitum_." + +I recollect attending a party, one evening during the winter, at Bird's, +when the aristocracy took a regular broadside fire. It seemed that Longbow, +some days previous, had a turkey on his table for dinner, which roused up +all the wrath of his adversaries. Mrs. Bird said, "she really s'posed that +he thought poor people couldn't have such things; but she'd let him know +she'd lived on' turkeys before he ever know'd there was such a thing--and +she had good sass with 'em too. Mrs. Longbow," she said, "cooked it for +nothing in the world but to make her knuckle to her; but she'd never give +in as long as _she_ drew the breath of life--that she wouldn't!" + +Mrs. Sonora Brown said, "that warn't all--Longbow had bo't a bran new +carpet for down-stairs, and used sales-molasses for common, eenamost every +day--and the clark in Clewes' grocery had got a goin' arter Lavinny every +night--and Mrs. Longbow had got mift at Mrs. Weazel, because Weazel said he +wouldn't stand any more of Longbow's decisions--and they'd got a burning +sperm ile in the house instead-er taller--and they were a puttin' on the +drefulest sight of airs, old woman and all, that ever was seen." + +Mrs. Beagle said "it was all true about the ile--she see'd it burn through +the winder--and she'd seen a great many more things through the winder--but +she warn't a going to tell what they were!" + +Mrs. Sonora Brown threw up her hands in horror, and said, "she had always +suspected it, but darsn't say so." + +"O, shaw!" exclaimed Mrs. Beagle; "that's nothing to Bates' wife; she walks +out arm-in-arm in broad daylight with her cousin that's been sneaking round +there on a visit." She said, "Puddleford used to be a 'spectable village, +but there warn't any morals any more since these high-flyers had got into +it--and she guess'd Bates' wife was flaring out, and trading at the stores +as much as Longbow." + +Mr. Bird very grumly said, "he'd better hold in, for if he didn't _hist_ a +little note he had again' him 'fore long, he'd sue him to judgment, and +_level_ an execution on everything he had, and clean him out." + +A yellow-looking woman, who sat in the corner, and who had just before +remarked that "she'd had the shakin' ager onto her all winter," wanted to +know if "the new _mar_chant was going to jine the upper crust, or be one of +our folks." + +It was not long, however, before all were rattling away together, so that +nothing but the emphatic words could be distinguished. Artillery, +fire-arms, and all, were blazing. Such a scorching as the aristocracy +received had hardly ever been equalled. + +Longbow & Co. did not care for their enemies. They rather felt proud of the +notice bestowed upon them. Ike Turtle used to say, "'twas fun to stand and +take the fire of fools;" but Squire Longbow's dignity was so profound, that +he never permitted himself to know that there was really any war going on. + +Society in the country, among the farmers, was quite another thing. +Puddleford village _had_ a country, and village pride looked down upon it, +just as it does in larger places. The amusements and frolics of the country +were more simple and hearty. In the winter, husking-bees, apple-parings, +and house-warmings were held every week at some of the farm-houses. Great +piles of corn were stacked up in barn, the girls and boys invited in for +miles around, long poles run through strung with lanterns, and the husking +rushed through, 'mid songs and jokes. Then all hands adjourned to the +house, and drank "hot stuff," ate nuts, and played games, and stormed +around, until they started the very shingles on the roof; while the great +fireplace, piled up with logs into the very throat of the chimney, shook +its shadows around the room in defiance of the winds that roared without. + +Now and then the country quality held a regular blow-out at Bulliphant's +tavern. On these occasions, dancing commenced at two in the afternoon, and +ended at daylight next morning. Dry goods and perfumery suffered about +those days. The girls and boys dressed their hair with oil of cinnamon and +wintergreen, and the Eagle smelt like an essence shop. It fairly +overpowered the stench of Bulliphant's whiskey-bottles. Every one rigged +out to within an inch of their lives. The girls wore ruffles on their +pantalets frizzled down over their shoes, nearly concealing the whole foot; +and all kinds and colors of ribbons streamed from their heads and waists. +The "boys" mounted shirt-collars without regard to expense, and flaunted +out their brass breast-pins, two or more to each, with several feet of +watch-chain jingling in front. The landlord of the Eagle termed these +gatherings his "winter harvest." + +Another amusement, frequent in the country, was the turnout of the +"Calathumpian Band." The band, I am aware, did not originate with +Puddleford. Newly-married couples were serenaded before it ever had an +existence there. But _this_ band was one of the very finest specimens. No +one knew exactly who its members were; but they were always on hand, soon +after a wedding, in full uniform, with all their instruments in order. It +was organized when the country was very new, and was, at the period I refer +to, in the highest state of prosperity. + +One of its instruments was called the "horse-fiddle;" another the "giant +trombone;" another the "_gyastacutas_." The "horse-fiddle" was two enormous +bows, made of hoops, heavily stringed and rosined, with a beef-bladder, +fully inflated, pushed between the string and the bow. The "great trombone" +was a dry goods box, turned bottom-side up, and was played upon with a +scantling eight or ten feet long. The edge of the box and the scantling +were rosined, and it was worked by two men sawing up and down. The +"gyastacutas" was a nail keg, with a raw hide strained over it, like a +drum-head, and inside of the keg, attached to the centre of this drum-head, +a string hung, with which this instrument was worked by pulling in the +string and "let fly." + +Besides all these, the band were supplied with dinner horns, conch-shells, +sleigh-bells, and sometimes guns and pistols. + +It assembled, usually about eleven o'clock at night, around the quarters of +the newly-married couple, and within a day or two after marriage. Its +members were dressed up like an army of scare-crows. Some wore their shirts +outside, some their coats and vests buttoned behind, and some were attired +in female dress. Its leader marched and countermarched this strange medley, +and announced and conducted all the music. The band never moved without +orders--it was thoroughly disciplined. + +The instruments were first put in tune. The trombone gave out a low and +heavy growl--the "gyastacutas," a bung! the horse-fiddle sullenly +replied--a chink-chink from a few pairs of bells, and a toot-e-toot from +the horns and shells, showed the blast was near at hand. + +And such a blast! The infernal regions could not equal it. It roared and +echoed for miles around. It fairly tore out the inside of one's head. The +cows bellowed and the dogs barked, honestly believing that the dissolution +of all things was at hand. The whole surrounding population roused up, for +no person pretended to sleep when the Great Calathumpian Band was +assembled. + +The reader must not suppose that this band was a mere congregation of boys. +Not by any means; it was one of the institutions of the country--one of the +public amusements of the day, and was patronized by young and old. Men had +lived and died members of the Calathumpian Band, and are remembered in +Puddleford for this, if nothing else. + +It is said that the songs and the amusements of a people determine their +character. If this be true, the reader can judge something of the country +population about Puddleford from the little sketch I have given of them. +The amusements of the villagers themselves were quite miscellaneous. The +"aristocracy," as Bird & Co. termed them, gathered every night at the +Eagle, where they played cards, checkers, backgammon, made bets, discussed +the affairs of the nation and the private affairs of their neighbors, drank +a little whiskey, and went home at eleven or twelve o'clock deeply +impressed with their own importance. Bulliphant's bar-room was their +centre of gravity, and it was a matter of deep concern, if any member of +the club was not found in his accustomed place. Longbow, Turtle, and Bates +had actually unseated several pairs of pantaloons on the landlord's chairs, +which proved clearly enough that _they_ were faithful members. + +Important business was transacted by this club. It made all the justices of +the peace, constables, school inspectors, &c., &c., and was a controlling +clique, in all political matters, within the township. + +The reader discerns that Puddleford, in most respects, was like other +places. It had its divisions in society, its importance, its pomp and show, +and relatively speaking, its aristocracy. It played through the same farce +in a small way that larger places do on a more extended plan. Longbow felt +just as omnipotent, walking up and down the streets of Puddleford, as the +tallest grandee treading a city pavement. The scale of greatness was not as +long in his village, but he stood as high on it as any other man in the +world on his--and so long as he headed his own scale, it mattered but +little to him where the "rest of mankind" were. + +It must have been a very remarkable character who once said, "human nature +is always the same"--that the only difference in human pride and folly is +one of degree. And I really hope there are none of my readers who feel +disposed to look down upon Puddleford with contempt, because I have +presented a few personages who have innocently caricatured what others +daily practise, who have been polished in the very laboratory of fashion. +Puddleford ought not, for that reason, to be condemned. + +It seems to me that it may, on the contrary, be a lesson to such, _because_ +it makes a burlesque of itself in chasing folly. Puddleford is a great +looking-glass, which reflects the faces of almost every person who looks +into it, and proves, what that remarkable character said, "that human +nature is always the same." + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + + Puddleford and Politics.--Higgins against Wiggins.--The + Candidates' Personale.--Their Platforms.--Delicate + Questions.--Stump Speaking.--Wiggins on + Higgins.--Impertinent Interruptions.--Higgins on + Wiggins.--Ike Turtle not dead yet.--Commotion.--Squire + Longbow restores Order.--Grand Stroke of Policy.--The Roast + Ox at Gillett's Corners. + + +Puddleford was famous for its political excitements, and so indeed is a new +country generally. Its people watched the altar of liberty with an "eternal +vigilance." The qualifications of all persons, from a candidate for the +presidency down to township constable, were thoroughly canvassed by the +electors. What might be a qualification for office in Puddleford, might +disqualify in another region, but we cannot expect that all men will think +alike. We must not forget that office meant something in Puddleford--that +it conferred honor on the man, whether the man conferred honor on it or +not. A highway commissioner, or overseer of the poor, was a character +looked up to, and a supervisor or justice were the oracles of their +neighborhood. + +The merits and demerits of candidates were freely discussed at public +meetings, held most usually in the open air, and composed of all parties. +Aspirants for public favor, who were opposed to each other, met and made +and answered arguments. All things in the "heavens above and the earth +beneath," were raked up and presented at these gatherings. The creation of +the world--Adam and Eve--Cain--Jerusalem--Greece and Rome--the revolution, +and the last war, were dragged into speeches, and made material for +electioneering. + +In the fall, subsequently to my settlement, Higgins ran against Wiggins for +member of the legislature. It was said that this was one of the most +exciting contests that Puddleford ever experienced. Every man, woman, and +child were enlisted. The "Higgins" men didn't speak to the "Wiggins" men, +nor the "Wiggins" men to the "Higgins" men, for more than two months, and +the opposing families absolutely refused to visit. + +Wiggins was a little, waspish man, who lived in the country, and was called +a "forehanded" farmer. He had been a justice of the peace in Cattaraugus +county, State of New York, and thought as much of himself as he did of any +other person living. He had a small, withered face, which looked like a +frost-bitten apple, red hair, and a quick, restless eye. He was a violent +politician, a shrewd manager, had a keen insight of human nature, some +humor; and was and always had been a red-hot democrat. He rafted lumber for +several years on the Susquehanna, where he received the greater part of his +education. He could write his name, and had been known to attempt a letter, +but no one was ever yet found who could read his correspondence. His +orthography was decidedly bad. He spelled in a sort of short-hand way, +which was not so objectionable, after all, as his language usually conveyed +the pronunciation of the words intended. "Il" was used for "ile" or "oil;" +"hos" stood for "horse;" "kanderdit for ofis," for "candidate for office," +and so on. His extemporaneous speaking was quite tolerable, and it was this +gift which _had_ given him notoriety. + +Higgins was a man much after the sort of Wiggins, in many respects, though +not altogether. He was a violent whig, and talked incessantly about his +"glorious party." He was a large, tall, broad-breasted fellow, ignorant, +cunning, and cut something of a swagger wherever he went. He drank whiskey, +chewed a paper of fine-cut every day, read the newspapers, cursed the +locofocos, prognosticated the downfall of the country, and pledged himself +to die game, let what would happen. + +These candidates for office had a "platform," a part of which was intended +for Puddleford, and a part for their common country--some planks of which +were thrown in merely to catch votes, and some for future fame. Wiggins +said he was for "giving immortal man full swing inter all things, and +letting his natur fly loose like the winds." He was "for driving the +American eagle inter every land, whether she'd go or not." He was "for a +railroad and canal straight thro' Puddleford, to be built by the state, +under the penalty of a revolution." He was "agin rich men everywhere, for +they trampled down the poor." He was "for upsetting Longbow and his clique, +and declared he would bring in a bill, if elected, that would blow the +whole set out of sight." He was for "easy times," "plenty of cash," "little +or no work," "good crops," and everything else the people wanted. + +Higgins was for "breaking down, and scat'ring locofocos everywhere." He +went "for everything that's right, and agin everything that's wrong." He +was for "beating Wiggins." He could "show that he hadn't patriotism enough +to keep the breath warm in a four year old child! there warn't a spark of +American glory in him. He wanted to sell out the whole country to the +British, and would if elected! Besides, he kicked up a fuss in Bigelow's +church, about the doctrines preached, and damaged religion." Higgins, it +seemed to me, based his success upon the supposed unpopularity of Wiggins, +and not upon any political principles of his own, while Wiggins relied upon +the great fundamental truths that were shadowed forth in his platform. + +There were other questions which agitated the populace of Puddleford and +its county, such as the sale of liquor, the removal of the Indians, &c., +&c., which both Higgins and Wiggins touched very tenderly, because it +became necessary to advocate both sides, sometimes for and sometimes +against, according to the views of those persons who happened at the time +to be soliciting information. + +During the fall, I had the pleasure of hearing these two rival aspirants +for office define their position before the people. The gathering was in a +grove, very large for a new country, and made up of men, women, and +children. Flags and inscriptions were flying here and there, some for +Higgins and some for Wiggins, and every person was as brimful of patriotism +as he could hold. + +Wiggins rose, and presented himself on a high platform that had been +erected for the occasion, pulled up his collar, buttoned his coat, coughed +a few times, and then took a leisurely survey of the crowd. "Feller +citizens! men and women!" said he, "there is going to be an election, and +I'm a-goin to run for office. Not that I care anything about the office +itself, for I don't, a tinker's ladle, but I want to beat Higgins, who +never ought to be trusted with the liberties of any people, and I'm willing +to sacrifice something to do it. Feller citizens! I want to have you +recollect where Higgins lives--at 'Satan's Half Acre!'--where they don't +have any Fourth of July; no Sunday school, only about two months a year; +and the same place, feller citizens, where they mobbed the temperance +lecturer, and swore they'd drink streak-lightning if they were a-min-to! +(Great applause, and cheers for Wiggins, mingled with oaths and hisses from +Higgins' friends.) Feller citizens, Higgins is a leading man there, and +accountable for all this; and if he is elected, we shall indorse all these +doings."--A man from the "Half Acre," one of Higgins' friends, rose, and +said he'd take the liberty of saying that was an "in_far_nal lie." Wiggins +replied, by inquiring "if the meeting would see free discussion gagged +down, here, in the presence of the immortal Washington, who, he hoped, was +looking down on-to us!" whereupon the unfortunate man was pitched, +headlong, out of the crowd. "Arter having looked at where Higgins lives," +continued Wiggins, "look at Higgins himself! what is he? what does he know? +what can he do? Why, feller citizens, he was born down somewhere in a place +so small, that it ain't on the map, and started life by tending a +lime-kiln; but he broke down in this business, and was discharged. He next +tried to go to school, but there warn't any class low down enough to get +him into. He then tried hoss doct'ring; and you, feller citizens, know when +a man turns out good-for-nothing, he goes rite into the larned +professions. He tried hoss doct'ring! and, after laying out ten or a dozen +of those noble animals inter the cold embrace of death (applause), he ran +away to get rid of a summons that was clus arter him! Then he fiddled for a +while winters, and laid off summers; then he druv stage, then he got-tor-be +captain of a raft, his first office; but he stranded her, and she's never +been got off yet. At last, he went to 'Satan's Half Acre,' where he thinks +he ain't known, and actually, feller citizens, has the impudence to come up +for office. (Great applause.) + +"Now," continued Wiggins, "having disposed of Higgins, I am going to launch +out on the great political questions of the day--questions that swell up in +me, and fairly make me tremble all over, to think on. We've a mighty sight +to do, to take care of them liberties that was 'queathed to us by Gen'ral +Washington, jest before he died. The old hero know'd he was a-going, but +afore he went, he give us our liberty, and said all that he asked on us was +to take care on it, and not let anybody steal or coax it away from us, but +always hold on to it like a dog to a root. If it hadn't been for our +party," exclaimed Wiggins, in a loud voice, "that great American eagle that +has flew'd so long, and kivered our juvenil' years with his wings--that +eagle, feller citizens, that sleeps on the ragin tornado, and warms himself +in the sun--_that_ eagle, I say--_that_ eagle! eagle! would now be as dead +as a smelt, lying on his back, a-groaning for help. (Great applause, and +three cheers.) (Wiggins said he hoped the audience would hold in their +manifestations of applause as much as they could, as it scattered his +thoughts.) The fust whig," continued Wiggins, "that we have any notis' on +in his'try, is the old feller with tail and horns, who goes to and fro, up +and down the airth; and he, you know, stole all-er Job's property, killed +off his children, and came pretty near killing the old man himself. The +next was John Adams, who didn't want anybody to come into the country, nor +say nothing after they had got here. He, feller citizens, was for exploding +all the glories of natur, and drying up the e_tar_nal fountains of hope and +consolation--for turning man back again into the regions of confusion, +where all is night and misery! (Very great applause, followed by a flight +of hats in the air.) The next whig was everybody that supported old John, +such as Higgins and his party. + +"Now, feller citizens, what's the reason you hain't got any more money? +It's because the laws ain't right. Man was born to have enough of +everything. This is a big world we live in--it ram'fys itself all round the +'quator, and its mountains diversify themselves into infinity. You own your +part on't just as much as the greatest nabob; and all you've got to do is +to stand up to the rack, vote for true men, and you'll get it; and it's +your duty to rise in your wrath, break the chains of oppression, and +declare that you'll never lay down the sword until the last enemy is +routed." (More applause.) Here a solemn-faced man rose, and asked Wiggins +to define himself on the "licker question." "Thank you, sir," replied +Wiggins--"was just comin' to that." "The licker question--the licker +question," continued Wiggins, speaking with gravity, for there was a great +division of opinion among his hearers on that subject--"the licker +question, feller citizens, is a _great_ question. Some people drink, some +don't--some drink a little, some a good deal. The licker question is a +question that a great many folks talk about. _I_ talk about it myself, and" +(the same man rose again, and ask'd Wiggins if he would "vote agin licker?" +Wiggins said "it throw'd him off his balance, to be disturb'd in public +speaking")--"everybody know'd how he stood on that pint--he'd never +chang'd; he stood where his forefathers did; he went the whole hog on the +licker question"--("Which side?" inquired the man.) "Which side? which +side?" ejaculated Wiggins: "do you wanter trammel up a free and +in_der_pendent citizen of this mighty republic! How do I know, _here_, what +I shall be called upon to vote _for_ or _agin_! Ask me to say I'll vote +agin something that hain't come up yet! When David knocked over the great +giant Goliah, do you 'spose he knew just where he'd throw the stone to hit +him." "Yes-sir-ee," exclaimed Higgins, springing on his feet "he did that +very thing." Wiggins "hoped order would be preserved. I shall leave to the +expansive development of the times," continued Wiggins, his arms flying +like a windmill, "the blazing energies of the day, and cling to the +constitution till it goes out inter the expiring regions of oblivion." +(Three cheers were given.) + +Wiggins sat down, evidently quite exhausted; and I noticed that he had made +a decided impression. Higgins rose, stripped off his coat and vest, rolled +up his shirt-sleeve, stuffed a quarter-paper of tobacco into his cheek, and +"ascended the platform." He said he was a humble citizen, and warn't com'd +of rich or larned folks--he _had_ tended lime-kiln--he _had_ doctor'd +hosses--he _had_ druv stage; and he was goin' to drive and doctor a +jackass. (Much cheering.) He had always _worked_ for his living. He'd give +five dollars to any man who'd tell him where Wiggins _was_ born, or show +that he ever did anything. _He_ lived on the sweat, and the blood, and the +brains of the people. He'd tended grocery, peddled calickers, try'd to talk +law once, and was now on a farm, just for appearance' sake. For himself, he +was a humble link in the great whig chain. (Ike Turtle said he s'posed he +was that link called the _swivel_.) Higgins, with an affected pleasantry, +asked Turtle "how long it was since he run'd away from the State of New +York, for debt?" Turtle replied, that "Wiggins ought to know, for he was +along with him"--whereupon a tremendous shout was raised in favor of +Turtle. Higgins rallied and proceeded. He said "he warn't goin' to talk +about the devil, and John Adams--he didn't know nothing about either on +'em--it was entirely agin his religion to speak of such things before such +a 'spectable audience. (Some sensation.) What he wanted to do was, to carry +the great, _etar_-nal, glorious principles of his party rite strait inter +every mortal being, and save the country, which now lies bleeding at its +last gasp." (Ike asked Higgins to "throw him down a bundle of them +principles, and if they suited him, he'd take a few.") + +Somebody told Turtle to sit down, whereupon Turtle appealed to the crowd, +and inquired if they'd see a citizen gagged down. ("No! no!" was the +reply.) + +Higgins went on. He said Wiggins warn't so near straight on the licker +question as his yaller dog at hum, for his dog never got drunk, and Wiggins +did, sometimes. ("That's a lie!" exclaimed Wiggins.) "Of course he'll deny +it, feller citizens--I would, if I was in his place--but I, feller +citizens, without fear of man, not caring about an election, step forth, +and say to you all, in the full blaze of day, that _I'll do all for the +cause that lies in my power_, having in view the interests of everybody in +this republic." (Applause.) + +Higgins said that "he was sorry to see such a man as Wiggins trying to +quote scripter to this audience--a man, feller citizens, is Wiggins--who +don't know whether David was the son of Goliah, or Goliah the son of +David--a man who don't know whether Paul wrote the book of Genesis, or +Genesis the book of Paul--a swearin' man, feller citizens; and yet he talks +about Goliah throwing stones at David. (Wiggins wished to correct +Higgins--it was the other way--David threw the stone at Goliah.) +Howsomever," continued Higgins, "he talks about the stones _bein' thrown_, +and uses the scripters in this way; and arn't it a vile way, feller +citizens, to catch your votes--to run himself into the legislater with, +where he can knock over the liberties of the country, and make the green +fields a howlin' waste again!" (This was followed by very great applause.) + +After the applause ceased, Ike Turtle rose with gravity, and reaching forth +a bottle towards Higgins, inquired if "he wouldn't _have a little_, as +natur couldn't bear up long under such rackin' thoughts." + +Higgins said he didn't believe this free and highly moral and religus +audience would long stand a party who'd throw a jug of licker inter their +faces. + +Turtle replied that it was a mere experiment. He bro't it on pur_pos_ to +see if there was _any_ place where Wiggins _wouldn't_ drink. (This raised a +shout.) + +Wiggins retorted by saying that "he never had made a walking grocery of +himself." (Much laughter.) + +Turtle "didn't know about that--if he did he carried it _inside_." The +whole meeting finally got into a commotion, each party taking sides. Squire +Longbow set up a hue and cry, "In the name of the people of ----," and +order was restored. I heard him say, after the crowd had become quiet, +"that the constitution guaranteed talking, and altho' he was on t'other +side in politics, he must say, as a magistrate, that it guaranteed Higgins +the floor, as the great Story decided in his chapter on rows and mobs." + +Higgins bowed to Squire Longbow, and proceeded. "I'm not goin' to say much +more, and, finally, feller citizens," he continued, "I won't say any more. +The audience is _so_ intelligent, understand so well all the principles of +gov'ment, from Noah's family that sailed inter the ark, down to the +remotest possibility of futer gen'rations--have so weigh'd everything +'longing to 'em, before the morning stars sang, and dirgested it by +piece-meal--that it would be an everlasting insult for _me_ to attempt to +talk furder--and in conclusion I will say: Three cheers for the dying +heroes who got our freedom, and who now lie a-sleeping on the shores of +glory!" (Tremendous applause, accompanied by cheers and swinging of hats.) + +I have given, I believe, the substance of the first two speeches, but these +were only introductory to those that followed. It was expected, when the +meeting opened, that the speaking would occupy most of the day, and the +specimens which I have reported were merely straws thrown out to determine +which way the wind blew. The real questions at issue were dexterously +dodged by sallies of wit and flights of unmeaning bombast. + +Wiggins mounted the stand again, and spoke for an hour. He told a large +number of humorous stories, and turned their point against Higgins--then he +sailed away into the clouds astride a burst of nonsense--then he came down +again. At one time, while Wiggins was "cavorting in the upper regions," as +Turtle called it, Sile Bates, who was a whig, started to his feet, and +placing his closed hand to one eye, and cocking the other, he stared away +after him, as earnestly as if he were just passing out of sight. Higgins +followed, and the speaking was kept up, alternately, until about four +o'clock in the afternoon, when the meeting closed, without either Higgins +or Wiggins defining their position, or saying one word indicative of their +future political course. + +Just as the meeting closed, Ike Turtle, who was the real political manager +on the part of the democratic party, rushed up to the speakers' stand, and +swinging his hat round, cried out at the top of his lungs, "Feller +citizens! The democratic party, knowin' that the speaking would last a good +while, and that natur might become exhausted in listenin' and 'tendin' to +the duties of our common country, have prepared a roasted ox, down at +'Gillett's Corners' with all the fixins, where we want you all to go, whigs +and democrats, both Higgins and Wiggins, and particularly the ladies, who +have turned out so nobly--and the young folks can have a dance in the +evenin' if they wish." + +Here was a stroke of management worth all the speeches of the day. No one +suspected that there was a dinner in preparation, and when Ike made the +announcement, there was a shout that came from the heart, and made the +woods ring. And the meeting adjourned to "Gillett's Corners." + +Several other public political gatherings were held, and a very large +amount of breath, time, and eloquence were expended; but the result was the +election of Wiggins by a tremendous majority, and I do not now recollect of +hearing of an allusion, by him, in the legislature, to any of those +"leading measures" that occupied his thoughts on the "stump." + +I believe, after all, that the country was very well represented. Wiggins +used about as much gas and deception in securing his seat as a New York +politician, but not any more; but after he had obtained it, he felt and +acted like a representative of the people, who had a reputation of his own +to sustain. When I say "well represented," I mean that _he did no +harm_--nor any good either--but always voted right on party questions, +because his name began with W, and was nearly the last called--if it had +begun with A, he would have ruined himself, and perhaps his country--so +true it is that a man's fame or infamy may hang by a single thread. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + + Winter upon us.--The Roosters in the early Morning.--The + Blue-Jays and the Squirrels.--The Improvident Turkey.--The + Domestic Hearth, and who occupied it.--The Old Dog.--The + Blessed Old Mail-Horse.--The Newspapers.--Our + Come-to-Tea.--Mrs. Brown, her Arrival and + Experiences.--Entree of Bird, Beagles & Co.--Conflicting + Elements, and how Ike Turtle assimilated all.--Gratifying + Consequences. + + +My little family, that I have spoken of, were quietly nestled away in the +log hut, and winter was now upon us. The days came and went, and were +marked by light and darkness, and our own domestic joys. There were no +startling events to disturb any person's serenity--no rise or fall of +stocks--no fires--no crashes in business--no downfall of pride--no bustle +in the streets about the latest news--no nothing. The world moved on as +monotonous as the tick-tick of a clock. + +The gray of each morning was first heralded by a famous rooster, which I +had imported from the east. He blew his clarion voice at about four, and I +used to lie and hear its echoes wander away off through the streets of +Puddleford, until they finally expired in the wilderness. He was usually +answered by some half-awakened cock, whose drowsy, smothered crow was quite +ludicrous. Then he would give another blast--and get, usually, a snappish +answer from some quarter, saying as well as it could be said--"Well, I +know it--what of it?" Pretty soon, a braggadocio fellow would belch forth +in a coarse, sullen strain--"I've been-up-these-_two_-hours." This was +followed, often, by the cracked voice of some nervous old fellow, away in +another direction, declaring, "I rather guess you _h--a--i--n--t_." And so +one after another, strain was added to strain, until the whole orchestra +were blowing their horns in the face of opening day. + +At sunrise, the blue-jays and other birds gathered about the door and +garden, to pick the dry seeds that the weeds were shedding on the earth. +What are snow birds? Where do they live? See them chirping in yonder ray of +sunlight--darting hither and thither, like motes in a beam of light. See +them go whirling through the tempest, like angel spirits, beautiful in the +very midst of the storm. What are they? Do they sleep on the wings of the +wind, or hide themselves in a scroll of snow? How is it that these little +singing harps live on amid such dreary scenes? The blue-jays, however, were +very petulant. Their gorgeous summer plumage was exceedingly mussed, and +they went about from bush to bush, and tree to tree, screaming and fretting +at each other and themselves. They acted like so many Siberian prisoners, +who were forced to brave the blasts as the penalty of some crime they had +committed. + +Sometimes, a keen, frosty night would be succeeded by a still, sunny day, +when the eaves pattered their sleepy music, and the cows strayed away into +the forest, as though they smelt approaching spring--when the cats flew out +of the house, and chased each other up into the trees, and the dog went +away by himself, wandering along the river-banks for reasons known only to +himself. + +These were visiting days, holidays, jubilee days, for those animals that +were housed in trees, and burrowed in the earth. Go forth into the woods. +You may, on such a day, see the squirrel push out his head from the door of +his castle, where he has been confined for a month, and cautiously look +over the landscape--then dart in again. Soon he pushes himself out farther, +and farther, and timidly glides down to the foot of the tree. Then he tries +the snow, and then again, and finally goes cantering to the nearest stump, +and chirruping, up he goes with a flirt, throws his tail over his back, +sits down, and breaks forth into a burst of song. + +Do you believe that squirrel remembers his last summer rambles in those +woods--yon rivulet where he drank, now sleeping beneath its silver +frost-work, and chanting its low, muffled dirge--yon icy knoll, that stood, +last June, a pyramid of flowers--yon hickory where he harvested his nuts? +Is his song for the present or the past? + +Look a little farther--the solemn tread of the turkey--who is busy +disinterring some of the buried mast of autumn. Such a day is a bright page +in the winter life of the turkey. She comes forth from beneath the roots of +upturned trees, from thickets or hollow logs, where she has been so long +cowering and starving, to hail the blessed warmth. She dreamed away the +summer, stalking about from wood to stream, and stream to wood--she passed +the provident squirrel often, in October, and saw him roll in his winter +stores, but she didn't know why; and now she is shovelling the snow, +scattering it right and left with her feet, with a melancholy twit! twit! +to get a kernel of bread. + +Farther on is a little gorge sloping up from the brook, and on such days +the snows melt off, and the banks grow warm, and the green grass shines as +brightly as it did in May. It is soft and spring-like _there_. The sunbeams +seem to be all tangled together in that spot. There are clusters of winter +birds sporting in this temple, and occasionally one breaks forth with a +note or two of her last June's song, as though she were just twanging her +harp to try its strings. They think those tangled sunbeams are the footfall +of April, and so they chirrup, and flutter, and bow to them, and seem to +ask where gentle May is, and when she is coming with her music and flowers. + +Sometimes the fog from the river would freeze upon the trees during a +night, and the sun would rise upon a forest all burst out into a white +bloom. As the sun rose higher, the little particles glittered and flashed, +and then it was a forest of silver--every shrub, every bush, every tree, +was silver. The woods were a frozen poem--written in a night by invisible +fingers, to be read for an hour or two, and then scattered away in shining +scales, forever. These natural changes and beauties were all that there +were to attract attention, and arrest our out-door thoughts. How different +is all this from the life of a resident of some large city--where the life +of a man is read in the street--and where each day shifts its pictures with +its revolution, like the changing colors of a kaleidoscope! + +In-doors, however, was the domestic hearth. There were joys there that knew +no winter. Wife and children--how many? I said _three_--but were there not +more? There was the babe, the creeping infant, the tottering child, in +each. The portraits of half a dozen children were daguerreotyped on my soul +as I looked at one. But a part were dead!--the babe had died in the infant, +and the infant in the child--not died, either, but one grace had faded +into another, one beauty had risen upon the ruins of another, until the +child was born where the infant perished, we know not when nor how. Instead +of two, I always felt that I had a family of little ones about me. + +And then, that old dog that had been with us for years, and shared our +fortunes and misfortunes, always the same, under all circumstances--he was +one of the family. He used to pioneer the children a half a mile to school, +and wag his tail, and bid them "good morning," as he left them at the door. +He was also there in waiting, at night, to escort them home again. He used +to walk around, over the farm, and examine this thing and that, as though +he was half proprietor of the premises. He used to sleep during the long +winter evenings by the fire, his nose between his fore paws, his hind legs +stretched out full length, and dream of scouring the woods--first a tremor! +then a twitch! then a bark, and a leap! and looking up, and finding all a +sham, away he would walk under the table, overwhelmed with mortification. + +This dog never made any acquaintance among the Puddlefordians, nor _their_ +dogs. He always stood aloof on his dignity, and if either approached too +near, warned them away with a low growl. He was a noble Newfoundland, and +prided himself upon his ancestry. + +But there are little threads of beauty that penetrate every household, +wherever it may be, and warm the heart. Those thoughts, and kind words, and +remembrances, that fly back and forth, hundreds of miles, and keep the +poorest hovel all a-glow. They are so many rays that converge there, and +make a star. That sleepy old horse that brought in the mail once a week was +a _blessed_ old horse, and bore upon his back treasures that far +outweighed gold. That mail-bag, like all mail-bags, was full of +passions--love, hatred, and revenge--all kinds of courtesy, civility, +politeness, sycophancy--some coarseness and vulgarity, too; and when it +burst, like a bomb, in the post-office, it covered some persons with a +rainbow light, gave others a cold drench, overpowered still others, and +turned many into so many raging madmen. The imprisoned conflicting elements +that jogged along up hill and down dale, so cosily on that old horse's +back, made strange work when they were let loose. + +Mail days were bright days in our calendar. They came only once a week--but +that day always brought something. We then sat down, wife, children, and +all, and posted up the books of the past. The letters brushed off the dust +from the pictures of distant friends that were hanging in our souls--and +those pictures talked. Some were sick; some were married; some had gone to +one place, some to another. They were sailing on the great current of life +as well as we. We were all together, yet apart; and these letters were only +a shaking of hands across the flood that divided us--the shuttle that wove +our passage into one. + +And then the newspapers were something more to us than ever before. The jar +and roar of the world, like music, was softened and mellowed by distance. +Advertisements grew valuable; and our little daughter Kate absolutely read +a patent-medicine notice from end to end without smiling. + +During the winter, my wife made a little "come-to-tea" gathering, for the +purpose, as she said, of getting "better acquainted with her neighbors." We +were living, as I have stated before, a little out of the village of +Puddleford, and our opportunities for seeing its society were not very +good. She invited Squire Longbow and wife (of course); Bates and wife; +Turtle and wife; Mrs. Sonora Brown, Tom Beagle and his clique--in fact, it +was got up "without distinction of party," as our house was neutral ground, +never having thus far been the scene of a social fight. I set apart the day +to attend to our guests. + +The first lady who made her appearance was Mrs. Sonora Brown, who had +walked out from Puddleford alone, and who hove in sight, pursuant to her +invitation to come to tea, at about two P. M. + +The snow was falling fast, and the wind quite rough, but Mrs. Sonora didn't +mind that. She was covered with one of those plaid cloaks that were made +twenty years ago, had on a pair of heavy brogan boots (sensible woman), a +tight hood, and over that a red and white cotton handkerchief tied under +her chin. The old lady sailed along through the gale as calmly and stately +as a seventy-four. When she reached the door, she rapped and stamped, and +gave a loud hawk, all of which she undoubtedly thought ought to announce +her presence. + +My wife opened the door. "Well," exclaimed Sonora, "you see I've come," +giving her cloak a hearty shake, and scattering the snow about her. + +"Glad--very glad to see you," replied my wife. + +"I know'd you would be--that's just what I told 'em," continued Sonora; +"you ain't so dreadfully stuck up out here as some folks tries to make +believe, arter all." + +"We are like most other people, I suppose," said my wife. + +Sonora took off her hood, when her eyes fell upon me. "So, this your man? +I'd hearn tell on him, but never see'd him afore, near by--and there are +the children! and that is your big looking-glass they tell'd about! The +dear massy on us," she exclaimed, "how nice!" + +"Why, Mrs. Brown," said I, "you must recollect me: I was a juryman on the +trial between Filkins and Beadle." + +"Come to take a good look at you, and so you was; but I was so frustered +that day that I didn't know which eend I stood on. How pesky sassy them +'turneys-at-la' are!" continued Mrs. Brown, as she seated herself in the +big rocking-chair. + +"Mrs. Brown, have you lived long in this country?" I asked. + +"Why, bless your soul, yes! Didn't you know that? We come in from the 'Hio +twenty years ago, and lived her 'fore there was anybody, nor nothing but +bears and catamounts." + +"How, in the world, did you manage to get through the country twenty years +ago?" I asked. + +"Well, it _was_ a pretty orful time," said the old lady; "it almost brings +the tears into my eyes now to think on't. There was my husband and four +children--Lem and Jim, and Molly and Bessy. Lem was about twenty, and Jim +about fifteen, and Molly and Bessy ten and twelve; and we were all piled +inter a big cover'd wagon, drawn by two yoke of cattle, with what little +furniter we had; and in this kinder way we started for--I didn't know +where." + +"Where did you eat and sleep?" inquired I. + +"We bunk'd in the wagon nights, and camp'd out to eat; and so we travelled +for two months." + +"But you got through all safe?" I said. + +"No, we didn't," said she, heaving a sigh; "little Bessy died" (she wiped +away a tear); "she got the measles somewhere on the road; and everybody was +afraid of catchin' on 'em; and nobody would come near us, and so we had to +stop and take care of her in the wagon the best way we could. We done all +we could think of, but she kept growin' worse and worse, 'till one mornin' +she died." + +"She died!" I repeated, feeling sad. + +"And we had to bury her in a strange place--a high knoll in the woods by +the road-side--and go away and leave her there alone. O, Mr. ----," she +exclaimed, "I've dream'd a thousand times of that spot in the woods: what +wouldn't I give if I could go and find it!" + +"What did you do when you first arrived here?" I inquired. + +"Why, it was all trees all over, everywhere, then. There warn't any +houzens, nor any roads to travel on, nor no white folks but Venison Styles, +and some other hunters who are gone away now; nor anything to live on; and +nothin' to be heard nights but the varmints screamin'," said Mrs. Brown, +laying down her knitting-work, and shoving up her spectacles with a +convulsive twitch, for she was getting eloquent. "There warn't a pound of +meat for fifty miles round--no pork for love nor money--and so we cut down +a place, and built a log shanty, and liv'd on deer meat, for deers were as +thick as hops all over." + +"And what then?" said I. + +"The next spring," she continued, "we cleared a couple of acres, and put +it into taters, turnips, beets, and all kind-er garden sass; and then we +girdled the trees on ten or twelve acres more, and in the fall we put this +inter wheat, and in a year or so we began to live." + +"And that large farm you live on, Mrs. Brown, is _the_ spot you first +settled? Where are your children now?" + +"They are round yet," said Sonora. "Jim teaches school, and spec'lates, and +fiddles some, and _can_ doctor if he likes. Jim is the only genus in our +family: he's as smart as _litenin'_; Lem is more staid and sober-like. He +allers took to hum chores, fod'ring cattle, and such like-er things. He +married Squire Nolet's darter; and they are pretty big folks--got carpets +in their bed-rooms, and all _over_ the house--and he is now settled on a +farm out on Horse-Neck Plains; and Jim is now doin' fust-rate." + +"What became of Molly?" + +"Molly made a bad go on't. She married a trav'ling singing-master--and I +_do_ suppose," she exclaimed, "he is one of the most good-for-_nothin' +dogs_ in the whole settlement. I don't see how in _airth_ Molly ever took a +notion to him: he hain't got no larnin'--he won't work--and _I_ don't like +his _singin'_. I don't see what such critters are made for." (The old lady +heaved a long sigh.) + +There was a rap at the door, and Mrs. Bird, Mrs. Beagle, and Mrs. Snipes +came in. These three ladies were inseparable. They visited together, and +warred, as we have seen, upon the "up-street aristocracy" together. Mrs. +Bird, who was, as I have stated, a great sozzle about home, was now decked +out with as many ribbons and streamers as a Maypole. She had mounted on her +back a most tremendous bustle, and she bowed, and bobbed, and twitched +about, as she saluted my wife, with all the airs and friskiness of a young +girl. Mrs. Beagle was quite reserved. + +"Why, bless you, Mrs. ----, how cold 'tis!" said Mrs. Bird. "My dear +husband couldn't hardly think of lettin' me go out. Bird is _so_ +particular, and allers so scared for fear'd sunthin' will happen to me. +'Wife,' said Bird to me one day--'wife,' sez he, 'you musn't go out with +them are thin shoes on--'t'il be the death on you,' sez he. 'O, shaw!' sez +I. 'Bird, you're allers bor'ring trouble.' 'No, I ain't, nother,' sez he. +'Byme-by, you'll get a mortal sickness in your lungs, and it'll run you +inter the inflammation, and then you're gone.' But I allers laughs at Bird +when he talks so. Why, of all things," continued Mrs. Bird, looking round, +if here ain't Mrs. Brown. "Are you well, Aunt Sonora, to-day?" + +"Pretty sorter," answered Mrs. Brown. + +"Hain't had the rheumatiz, nor shakin' ager, nor any of that buzzing in +your head?" + +"None to speak on." + +"How is your old man, Mrs. Brown?" + +"Well, he's gruntin' some--but so's to be about." + +"Did he catch that feller who ow'd him and run'd away?" + +"Not's I ever heerd on," replied Mrs. Brown. + +"Why, what a nice caliker you're got on, Mrs. Brown; was it one-and-three +or one-and-six?" + +"I b'lieve it was somewher's _along_ there," said Mrs. Brown. + +"It's jest like Charity Beadle's, only Charity had hers made up with the +figur' runnin' down." + +About sundown, and in the midst of Mrs. Bird's conversation--for her tongue +kept in full play--Squire Longbow and wife announced themselves by a rap. +Their arrival spiked Mrs. Bird's battery. After making a cold, scornful, +and exceedingly low and ironical bow to them, she retired one side with +Mrs. Beadle and Mrs. Snipes. + +Squire Longbow had on his best rig--a suit of grayish homespun. His +shirt-collar was unusually tall, and he had put a double bow-knot in his +neckcloth of white cotton. The shade over his lost eye was very clean and +bright. He really looked like a Justice. + +Longbow said he was glad to get out--that the business of justice was +wearin' him to death. + +"Much on your mind, Squire, now?" I inquired. + +"All the time--all the time sunthin'. There's a pin't of law to be settled +in that case 'tween Whippum against Snappett. Snappett's nigger man druv +Snappett's cattle over Whippum's dog, and broke Whippum's leg--I mean +Whippum's _dog's_ leg; and Whippum's dog's goin' to die--a very valuable +dog--cost Whippum six shillings last spring--good for cattle, hogs, +anything--children thought a good deal on him; and so Whippum swore +Snappett should pay for the dog, if he spent his farm to get it." + +"I declare," exclaimed I. + +"Yes, he said it in my offis last week; but whether to sue Snappett or the +nigger is the p'int. If we sue the nigger, he arn't good; if we sue +Snappett, twarn't he that druv the oxen." + +"Join the nigger and the white man together in one suit," said I. + +"_T-h-u-n-der!_" exclaimed the Squire, looking wildly at me--"can't jine +niggers and white men together by _our_ constitution--Story's dead agin it. +They'd come in on t'other side, and squash everything inter pieces." + +"Can it be possible?" said I. + +"Yes-sir-_ee_!" said the Squire; "they _would_ that--and have me 'peal'd up +to the higher courts in a jiffy. + +"And then," continued the Squire, "Tibbits and Jenkins have got inter +trouble. Jenkins got mad at Tibbits 'bout somethin' a while ago, and so he +went down to Tibbits' house, his gun on his shoulder, full-er wrath--and +spyin' a favorit' cow of Tibbits in the barn-yard, jest drew up, and popped +her over--Tibbits run'd out, grabbl'd the gun out of Jenkins' hand, and +smashed it up fine on a tree--then they had a fight, and Jenkins bung'd up +Tibbits, and Tibbits bung'd up Jenkins, so neither on 'em could see +much--now Tibbits wants to bring suit for the value of his cow." + +"Do tell now if he does," exclaimed Aunt Sonora, who had been listening to +the Squire's story; "I tell'd our folks at hum, yesterday, that I hadn't +any doubt but Puddleford would be turned _en_side out 'bout that." + +"Yes!" continued the Squire, "Tibbits wants to bring suit--but I tell'd +Tibbits that I wanted to know how much the cow was worth. 'Fourteen +dollars,' said he. 'How much was the rifle worth?' ''Bout the same,' said +he. 'Jest a set-off,' said I; 'the rifle pays for the cow, and the cow for +the rifle.' Tibbits said that warn't la', and swore, and said I should +issue the writ. I threatened to commit him for contempt. He said he'd get a +_ramdamus_ (mandamus) onter me, and there the matter stands." + +"Well," said I, "you _do_ have trouble, Squire--I'd resign." + +"Nobody to fill my place," said the Squire, pushing his arms down into his +breeches pockets and stretching out his legs and throwing his eyes up to +the ceiling--"nobody that understands the _staterts_." + +"There's Ike Turtle," said I. + +"Ike arn't cool enough--it takes a _cool_ man for justis in these parts--a +man that arn't afear'd of nothin'." + +"Just so," said I. Here was a rap, and Ike Turtle, Mr. and Mrs. Bates, and +many others, entered. + +We had a house full nearly. The elements, as I have said, were not +harmonious. The Birds, and Swipes, and Beagles, and their friends were +huddled together by themselves in one part of the room, and Longbow and his +friends in another. You might hear whispers and suppressed laughs, and Ohs! +and Ahs! from the circle of Mrs. Bird, and side-looks and other +manifestations of uneasiness. + +Ike Turtle, whose knowledge of human nature was equal to his humor, after +eying the group a while, concluded to break into and scatter it, if +possible. So turning around--"Mrs. Bird, you look un-_com_only well, +to-day," he said. + +"Think I _do_," replied Mrs. Bird, pettishly. + +"Why, you look as fresh as a new-blown rose." + +Mrs. Bird held down her head, and actually appeared confused. Soon she +gathered courage to speak. "Why, Mr. Turtle, how can you think so? I'm an +old woman." + +"Not so old, arter all," said Ike; "you've taken good care of your sperits +and complexion." + +"Why, Mrs. Bird don't use _sperits_!" exclaimed Mrs. Brown, looking down +over her spectacles, at Ike, with horror. + +"Not them kind," said Ike--"but her nat'ral sperits, I mean. Now," +continued Ike, "here's Squire Longbow, past fifty, hearty as a buck, +full-er fire, and can kick up his heels as high as his head--all owin' to +his sperits. Don't you think so, Mrs. Bird?" + +Mrs. Bird said she didn't know much about Squire Longbow. + +"O, nonsense now--yes, you do--liv'd neighbor to him in Puddleford these +ten years or more. But if there's any doubt about it, I'll just introduce +you. Squire Longbow," continued Ike, rising and pointing to Mrs. +Bird--"Mrs. Bird--Mrs. Bird, Squire Longbow. And here's Mrs. Beagle and +Mrs. Swipes--all of Puddleford--maybe you don't know 'em--all old +residenters--come in when the country was new, and have cut their own +fodder ever since." + +The Squire rose, bowed, and said--he "know'd 'em all, and was glad to meet +'em looking so fust rate." + +"Now," said Ike, "I've introduced you, enjoy yourselves." + +This movement of Ike's broke the ice. The clique relaxed their brows, and +conversation grew more general. + +"Is Lavinny at school this winter?" inquired Mrs. Beagles of the Squire. + +"Yes, marm, she is--studying 'stronomy--got inter the fix'd stars last +week--and will be onter Capercorn, byme-by." + +"Bless my soul!" exclaimed Aunt Sonora, her knitting-needles rattling with +surprise, "how _did_ she get out--got into the stars?" + +"Yes, marm," continued the Squire, "she larned herself inter 'em--and she +knows all 'bout 'em--what they're there for--and who put 'em there--jest +as much as though she'd lived six months on the spot. And then, Mrs. +Beagle, she's up to her eyes in hist'ry. She talks 'bout the Caesars and +'Gustuses jest as though she'd allers know'd 'em. Tells all about how +Christopher Columbus came over with the Puritans and settled onter Plymouth +rock, 'cause Richard Third, king-er Spain, got mad at 'em, 'cause they +would kiss the Pope's toe." + +"Dear me suz, I wanter know," exclaimed Mrs. Brown again. + +"And then she's at the head in the gography class--she's draw'd a map of +the Cannibal Islands--and on one on 'em, Capt'n Cook lies with his head +off, crying for marcy--and she says, down onter the squator it don't never +snow, nor nothin', and it's hotter than blue-blazes, in the winter--and +when it thunders and litenins, it tears everything inter pieces--she's +goin' ahead wonderfully, Mrs. Beagle." + +"Well, now, that _is satisfying_," said Mrs. Beagle. "It does one so much +good to see one's children get larnin'!" + +"That's just what I tell'd Mr. Brown when Jim was first born," said Aunt +Sonora. "I tell'd him the boy had genus, for there never was one of our +family that didn't. 'But you've got-ter give him schooling,' said I, 'to +bring it out.' And so he did--and you orter to have see'd how he run'd to +books and newspapers. When he was fifteen, he tell'd the old man, as he +called his father, he orter to go to district-school--(he was a wonderful +boy; know'd everything, then)--that he was way ahind the age. Then he went +off a roamin', a seekin' his fortin'--and when he com'd back, nobody would +know'd him--he was _so_ improved--he fling'd his legs onter to the stove, +and smoked and chewed, and talk'd about furrin parts--and didn't take any +notice of the old man--said how the old man didn't know nothin'--(warn't he +genus, Squire Longbow?)--he wouldn't work any, because he said genuses +never work'd--that they wouldn't be genuses if they did--he made the old +man give him a fast horse, and a p'inter dog, and a gun, all kivered with +silver plates, and then he rid, and hunted, and courted--(warn't he +genus?)--he courted Squire Boson's darter, and Mr. Fogg's two darters, and +all the gals in the western settlement, till he finally settled down, as I +was tellin' Mr. ---- a while ago, into jest as much of a genus as ever--the +dear massy on us, what won't larnin' do?" + +"'S'prisin' boy," answered the Squire. + +The conversation ran on about everything, until Ike had really broken up +the clique of Bird & Co., and one would have thought there never had been a +social war in Puddleford. There never lived a mortal, I believe, who could +hold out against the humor of Ike Turtle. He magnetized all who came within +his influence. He was shrewd, keen, far-seeing, full of good sense, and had +a stock of fun that was positively inexhaustible. Ike, in reality, never +cared about the antipathy of Bird, Beagle & Co.--all their malice and +slander had never "ruffled a feather," as he used to say. He was amusing +_himself_ in the experiments he had been making to bring the factions +together; but he did not in fact care whether they ever came together or +not. + +About nine o'clock in the evening, and after "supper," as Mrs. Sonora +called it, had passed off, Ike inquired of me if my fiddle was in the +house, as he intended to have Squire Longbow, Aunt Sonora, Mrs. Bird, +Swipes, and "all hands," dancing before the company broke up. + +The fiddle was produced--rather an asthmatic instrument--that strayed into +the country among my lumber, and was somewhat out of order. Ike tinkered it +up with his jack-knife, until it finally emitted a few strains of something +like music. He then played "Over the Hills," "Fisher's Hornpipe," and +several other lively airs, until old Squire Longbow unconsciously began to +rap the time with his heels, and Mrs. Bird to grow quite nettlesome. + +Ike finally bowed himself up to Mrs. Bird, sawing away all the time on his +fiddle--and declared that "nothing on airth would do him so much good as a +country dance, and she must consent to walk straight out without wincing." +Mrs. Bird looked pleased and provoked, by turns, but she finally took Ike's +arm, and was duly placed on the floor. Squire Longbow and Mrs. Sonora were +next hauled out by Ike; Mrs. Swipes and Sile Bates, and so on, until he had +united (with the exception of Squire Longbow and partner) the most +discordant elements of Puddleford. + +The dance opened, Ike himself fiddling, shuffling, and calling off. He and +Mrs. Bird went down in the middle, up outside, and crossed over, Ike's feet +playing all the while like drum-sticks to the music of "Fisher's Hornpipe," +which he was sawing off with inconceivable rapidity, while Mrs. Bird +followed after him, panting and blowing, without much regard to time or +tune. + +Squire Longbow and Mrs. Sonora trotted through their parts--Mrs. Sonora +having declared, before she took the floor, "that she never was one of them +are dancing critters, but she'd try and hobble through the figger the best +she could." + +By and by the general "wind-up" came, when "all hands" went into it heart +and soul. Ike's fiddle, and Ike's voice, and the pattering of feet, were +all that was heard. "Right and left!" "Cross over!" "Don't run agin Mrs. +Bird, Squire Longbow!" "A leetle faster, Mrs. Swipes!" "_Pardners_ keep +clus arter one another!" "Don't cave!" "Not quite so much cavortin' down +thar!" exclaimed Ike, giving expression to his words with his bow, when at +last he drew the whole to a close by a long, high squeak, and the company +rushed to their seats puffing, and covered with perspiration. + +This movement of Ike's was a masterly performance. He had actually danced +with Mrs. Bird, one of his bitterest enemies. He had melted the two hostile +cliques of Puddleford into one. His flattery and music had accomplished +this, and it was productive of lasting good, for the war from this time +began to decline in Puddleford, and the hostile cliques were finally +dissolved. + +Perhaps the reader is disposed to smile at my description of a Puddleford +tea-party. Perhaps he thinks the ingenuousness of Aunt Sonora, the +free-and-easy humor of Ike Turtle, the peevish jealousy of Mrs. Bird, are +the fruit simply of what he terms "western vulgarity." Don't be too fast, +my friend. You belong, perhaps, to a society that wears a mask--made up, +nevertheless, of "envy, hatred, malice, and all uncharitableness." _Your_ +Mrs. Bird is just as jealous, but for another reason, and with this +difference, too, that _she_ can smile upon her bitterest enemy, when and +where the rules of fashionable life demand it. You've got a Squire Longbow +or two with you in all probability--not dressed in homespun, but +"broadcloth"--one who has been favored by fortune, and no god beside--one +who hums and haws, and looks as wise and solemn as an owl, and to whom, +perhaps, you unconsciously pay homage. We are all alike, dear reader--we +look at your society through the telescope of education and refinement--at +Puddleford, with the naked eye. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + + Mrs. Longbow taken sick.--General Interest.--Dr. + Teazle.--His Visit.--"The Rattles."--Scientific + Diagnosis.--A Prescription.--Short and Dr. Dobbs.--"Pantod + of the Heart."--Dismissal of Teazle.--Installation of + Dobbs.--"Scyller and Charabides."--Ike's Views.--The + Colonel's.--Bates's.--Mrs. Longbow dies.--Who killed her: + conflicting Opinions.--Her Funeral.--Bigelow Van Slyck's + Sermon.--Interment. + + +Not long after this jolly little gathering at my house, I heard that Mrs. +Longbow was sick. Her symptoms were very alarming, and, as she was the wife +of Squire Longbow, and as the Squire was _the_ man of Puddleford, her +critical condition was a matter of public concern. + +"What is the matter with Squire Longbow's woman?" "How did she rest last +night?" "Did she roll and tumble much?" "Is her fever brok't onto her?" +were questions frequently put. Now Mrs. Longbow was a very worthy person, +and entitled to all the sympathy she received; but that is not to be the +subject of this chapter. + +When Mrs. Longbow was first taken ill, Dr. Teazle was called--yes, reader, +Dr. Teazle--who had been as good authority in medicine, as Longbow ever was +in law. I say had been--"Things were different now." + +Teazle was one of the pioneers of Puddleford. He was there when the first +log-house was laid up--the first field cleared--the first child born. +Teazle possessed a very little learning, a very great deal of impudence, +and a never-ending flow of language. He was opinionated, and tolerated no +practice but his own. (What physician ever did?) Teazle never let a doubt +enter his mind--he intuitively read a case, as rapidly as though he were +reading a printed statement of it. Teazle was about the size of Longbow, +but _he_ had two eyes. + +"How long have you been attackted?" inquired Teazle, approaching the +bedside of Mrs. Longbow, and placing his fingers over the lady's pulse. + +Mrs. Longbow said "it was some time during the night." + +"Run out your tongue," continued Teazle. + +Mrs. Longbow obeyed. + +"Very bad tongue--all full'er stuff--you ain't well, Mrs. Longbow; there's +a kind of collapse of the whole system, and a sort of debility going on, +everywhere all over you." + +Squire Longbow, who sat by, anxiously inquired what the disease was. + +Teazle said it might be a sour stomach, or it might be fever, or it might +be rheumatiz, or it might be the liver, or it might be that something else +was out of order--or it might be the _rattles_. + +"Dear me!" exclaimed the Squire, "the _rattles_--what is that?" + +"The rattles," answered Teazle, "the rattles is a disease treated of in the +books--Folks catch cold; the nose stops up; the throat gets sore, and there +is a kind of rattling going on when they breathe, whether we can hear it or +not--and that's the rattles." + +Mrs. Longbow said "she hadn't got any rattles as she know'd on." + +Teazle said he would make up a prescription that would make a sure business +of it, as he always did when he was in doubt. "He would prepare a compound +of the particular medicines used for the particular diseases he had +mentioned, and fire at random, and some of the shot would hit, he knew." + +"Gracious! doctor!" exclaimed Longbow, "what comes of the rest on 'em?" + +"All passes off--all passes off," answered Teazle glibly, with a flourish +of the hand, "through the pores of the skin--" continued Teazle; "and you +must also take four quarts-er water, two pounds-er salt, a gill-er +molasses, a little 'cumfrey root, some catnip blows (but mind don't get in +any of the leaves; that'll kill her), stir it all up together, and soak her +feet just ten minutes; then get five cents worth-er sassyfarilla, three +cents worth-er some kind of physic, pour in some caster-ile, and I'll put +in some intergrediences and stuffs, and will give it inwardly every two +hours; and in the morning I will 'quire agin into the condition of the +patient." + +This, reader, was the result of Teazle's call. Mrs. Longbow was really +suffering under an attack of bilious fever. + +In a few days there was an uproar among the physicians of Puddleford. Dr. +Short and Dr. Dobbs had united their influence and tongues together, and +Teazle was denounced as a quack and a fool. Short and Dobbs never united +for any other purpose but the abuse of Teazle. Sometimes Short and Teazle +abused Dobbs, and sometimes Dobbs and Teazle abused Short. Short declared +that "Mrs. Longbow had nothing but a kind of in'ard strictur', and a little +salts would clear it right out." + +Dobbs said it "was either that or the _pantod_ of the heart, and that +Teazle's medicine would lay out the poor soul as cold as a wedge." + +I endeavored to ascertain by Dobbs what he wished us to understand by +"pantod of the heart." + +Dobbs said it was "unpossible for him to explain it without the books--it +was something that laid hold of the vessels about the heart, and throw'd +everything into a flutter." + +The war went on--Squire Longbow's friends finally joined the force of +opposition to Teazle--and in two or three days Teazle was ejected very +unceremoniously from the Squire's house, and Dobbs took his place. + +The first thing Dobbs did, when he was fairly installed, was to gather up, +and pitch headlong into the fire, all of Teazle's remaining medicines. He +wondered whether Teazle "really _intended_ to kill Mrs. Longbow! Perhaps he +was only a fool!" The whole system of practice was now changed. A new +administration had come into power, and with it new measures. Dobbs "didn't +know but he might raise Mrs. Longbow, but he couldn't hold himself +responsible--Teazle had nearly finished her--but he would try." + +Dobbs immediately introduced a seton into the side of his patient, "to get +up a greater fluttering somewhere else, and get away the flutter at the +heart, and when _that_ went, the fever would go away with it," _he_ said. + +Dobbs moved around Puddleford for a day or so, with great pomp of manner. +He had unseated Teazle, and now occupied his place. But what was his +surprise to find Short and Teazle united, and out upon him, in full cry! +Short had become chagrined because Dobbs had been called to fill the place +of Teazle, instead of himself. + +The war was renewed with increased fury. Dobbs's seton failed to produce +the desired effect, and he, therefore, resorted to blistering and calomel. +In a week he had nearly skinned and salivated the poor woman, and yet she +lived. The fact was, Dobbs was a greater blockhead than Teazle, if that +were possible. Ike Turtle said the "old 'oman was between Scyller and +Chara_bi_des!"--Ike had heard this classical allusion at some time,--"and +she'd got-ter go for it--and she'd better just step out at onst, and save +trouble and expense." + +The "Colonel" said that he "once read a story in AEsop's Fables, called the +'Fox and the Brambles,' and he recollected that the Fox refused to shake +off a swarm of flies that were sucking out his life-blood, because a more +hungry swarm would succeed; and _he_ thought Mrs. Longbow made a great +mistake in discharging Teazle; for Teazle had exhausted his energies upon +his patient, and nature was about restoring the ruin he had wrought." + +Bates expressed a different opinion. He was a strong advocate of lobelia +and cayenne-pepper--he was, in short, a supporter of the "hot-water" +practice. All mineral medicine Bates declared poisonous. Bates said "Nature +knew enough to take care of herself--for every disease a remedy had been +provided--what we call weeds were all valuable remedies: and he thought +Teazle and Dobbs ought both to be indicted for malpractice." + +This war between men, soon became a war of systems. Philista Filkins, Aunt +Sonora, Bates & Company, raised a tempest around Longbow's ears; and Dobbs +was finally thrown overboard, and his medicines after him; and Mrs. +Filkins was placed at the helm, and the hot-water practice introduced. + +But what is the use, reader?--Mrs. Longbow died. Who wouldn't? Nature +cannot endure everything--she died, and was buried. But who killed her? +That was a question for months afterwards. Dobbs said Teazle--Teazle said +Dobbs; and Teazle and Dobbs, when _talking together_ on the subject, said +Mrs. Filkins--and Bates said "_the calomel_"--and Turtle said "the 'oman +had been conspir'd agin, and was killed." + +I attended the funeral of Mrs. Longbow. A funeral is solemn anywhere--in +the wilderness it is impressive. In a city it is too often an exhibition of +pride, carried down to the very gates of death--the poor handful of dust is +used to glorify, a little longer, the living--it preaches no sermon, +chastens no feeling; but a funeral in the wilderness is as lonely as one at +sea. Nature becomes almost oppressive. The scattered population, for miles +around, gathered at the log-chapel, and Bigelow Van Slyck preached over the +remains of Mrs. Longbow. The sermon was characteristic of Bigelow--strange +and inappropriate, perhaps, in the opinion of the reader; but, after all, +the very thing for Bigelow's audience. This was his text: "Man that is born +of a woman is of few days, and full of trouble!" Bigelow said his "text +used the word '_man_ that is born,' &c., but it was jest as applicable to a +woman as to a man, for woman was, after all, a kind of a man; not that a +woman _was_ a man, nor a man a woman--but texts allers spoke of things in +general, 'cause the Bible was writ for all time." In dwelling upon the +words "that is _born_," Bigelow said, "he would go into the history of the +Longbow family"--and he did go into their history, with a vengeance. He +began with Squire Longbow's grandfather, who, he said, "fit in the old +French war," and told us when _he_ was _born_, and how he lived, and where +he lived, and when he died, and gave us a kind of synopsis of the old man's +services in the flesh. He then seized, violently, hold of the Squire +himself, informed us he was born "down in the Pennsylvanys 'bout the old +Tom Jefferson times, was the last of ten children, whose history he +couldn't go into for want of time--that the Squire hadn't any larnin' until +after he becom'd of age, and then got what he did get himself." Bigelow +hoped his audience "would improve on this lesson, and get larnin' +themselves." He then followed up the Squire through his immigration and +settlement at Puddleford, and informed us, I recollect, among other things, +that he built the first frame-house, being "twenty feet by thirty-four." +Bigelow was still more specific in his history of Mrs. Longbow. If there +was anything overlooked in the poor woman's life, I do not know what it +was. Bigelow labored some half hour over her virtues, and brought them out +so systematically, at last, that the list, when completed, reminded me of +an inventory of the personal effects of a deceased person--of the +preparation of a document, to file away somewhere. + +The latter part of Bigelow's text, upon the brevity of life, was well +managed--roughly, perhaps, but pointedly. He drew copiously from nature, by +way of illustration, as all persons do who live more with nature than with +man. "The corn," he remarked, "died in the ground, sprouted, grew green, +then the blades died agin"--"the flowers jest breathed a few times, then +_they_ died"--"day died into night, and night died in the +morning"--"everything died everywhere; and man died, and woman died, and +we'd all got-ter die." I have selected only a few sentences, at random, +from this part of Bigelow's discourse. + +Then there was an address to the audience, an address to the aged, another +to those in middle life, another to the young, and finally, one to the +mourners, standing. Some two hours and a half were occupied in the sermon +altogether; and when it finally closed, the remains of Mrs. Longbow were +silently and sadly deposited in the grave. + +The death of Mrs. Longbow created a great chasm in society. The +"settlement" was so small, that the loss of any one was severely felt. In +small places, every person has a great deal of individuality--in large, +only here and there is one distinguished from "the crowd." Mrs. Longbow was +certainly fortunate in one respect, if she was unfortunate in another. If +the physicians of Puddleford hastened her end, its population have not +forgotten her, nor her many virtues. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + + Squire Longbow in Mourning.--The Great Question.--Aunt + Sonora's Opinion.--Other People's.--The Squire goes to + Church.--His Appearance on that Occasion.--Aunt Graves, and + her Extra Performance.--"Nux Vomica."--Anxious + Mothers.--Mary Jane Arabella Swipes.--Sister Abigail.--Ike + Turtle and his Designs.--He calls on Aunt Graves.--She'll go + it.--Sister Abigail's Objection.--The Squire's First Love + Letter.--The Wedding.--Great Getting-up.--Turtle's + Examination.--The Squire runs the Risk of "the + Staterts."--Bigelow's Ceremony.--General Break-Down.--Not + _Very_ Drunk. + + +Squire Longbow sincerely mourned the loss of his wife--internally and +externally. Externally, he was one of the strongest mourners I ever saw. He +wore a weed, floating from his hat, nearly a foot long. It was the longest +weed that had ever been mounted at Puddleford; but our readers must not +forget who Squire Longbow was--a magistrate, and leading man in community. +And while the reader is about it, he may also recollect that the Squire is +not the only man, east or west, who has ventured upon a little ostentation +over the grave of the departed--nor woman either. + +Who was to be the next Mrs. Longbow? That was the question. The public, +indeed, asked it long before the Squire. Who was to have the honor of +presiding at the Squire's table? What woman was to be placed at the head of +society in Puddleford? The Swipeses and Beagles, Aunt Sonora, Aunt Graves, +and Sister Abigail, and scores of others, all began to speculate upon this +important subject. Even Turtle and Bates indulged in a few general remarks. + +Aunt Sonora gave it as her mind, that "the Squire ought to be pretty skeery +how he married anybody, kase if he got one of them flipper-ter-gibbet sort +o' wimmin, she'd turn the whole house _en_side out, and he'd be one of the +most miserablest of all men." She said, "if he know'd what was good for +himself, he'd jest keep clear of all the young gals that were fussing and +figeting round him, and go right in for some old stand-by of a woman, that +know'd how to take the brunt of things--but, lors a-me," continued Aunt +Sonora, "there's no doing nothing with these old widowers--they're all like +my Uncle Jo, who married in a hurry, and repented arterwards--and the poor +dear old soul arn't had a minute's peace since." + +The Swipeses and Beagles, who, it will be recollected, belonged to a clique +that had, in times past, warred against Longbow & Co., "tho't it would be +shameful for the Squire to marry at all--it would be an insult agin the +memory of poor old Mrs. Longbow, who was dead and gone." (Some people, you +know, reader, abuse the living, but defend the dead.) "And if the Squire +should marry, _they_ should think, for _their_ part, that she'd rise up out +of her grave, and haunt him! She could never sleep easy, if she know'd that +the Squire had got some other woman, who was eating her preserves, and +wearing out her clothes, and lording it over the house like all possess'd." + +Other opinions were expressed by other persons--in fact, the Squire's +widowhood was _the_ great concern of Puddleford. "He was so well on to +do," as Aunt Sonora used to call it, that he was considered a great +"catch." + +After a few weeks of sorrow, the Squire himself really began to entertain +notions of matrimony. It is true he had passed the age of sixty, and it +required a great effort to get up a sufficient amount of romance to carry +out such an enterprise. Symptoms began, however, to wax strong. The first +alarming indication was his attendance at church. The Squire had always +been a kind of heathen in this respect, and had for many years set a poor +example; but people, who want to marry, will go to church. Whether this is +done to get up a reputation, or simply to take a survey of the +unappropriated female stock yet remaining on hand, I cannot say. + +The Squire was "fixed up" amazingly, the first time I saw him at church. +His hair had been cut, and thoroughly greased. His shirt-collar covered his +ears; and his boots shone like a mirror. Aunt Sonora said he looked +"enymost as good as new." Aunt Graves was in the choir that day, and she +sang as she never sang before. She blowed all the heavy strains of +music--strains that lifted her on her toes--directly into Squire Longbow's +face. Whether Aunt Graves had any design in this, is more than I can say; +but I noticed some twinges about the Squire's lips, and a sleepy wink of +the eye, that looked a little like magnetism. It was ridiculous, too, that +such an old castle should be stormed by music. + +But the Squire exhibited other symptoms of matrimony. He grew more pompous +in his decisions, disposed of cases more summarily, and quoted law Latin +more frequently. It was about this time that he talked about the "nux +vomica," instead of the "_vox Populi_." He used to "squash" proceeding's +before the case was half presented; and, in the language of Turtle, "he +tore around at a great rate." Turtle said, "the old Squire was getting to +be an old fool, and he was goin' to have him married, or dismissed from +office--there warn't no livin' with him." + +There were a great many anxious mothers about Puddleford who were very +desirous of forming an alliance with the Longbow family. Even Mrs. Swipes, +as much as she openly oposed the Squire's marriage in general, secretly +hoped a spark might be struck up between him and her daughter, Mary Jane +Arabella Swipes; and Mrs. Swipes was in the habit of sending her daughter +over to the Squire's house, to inquire of him "to know if she couldn't do +sunthin' for him in his melancholy condition;" and Sister Abigail went down +several times to "put things to rights," and was as kind and obliging, and +attentive to all the Squire's wants, as ever Mrs. Longbow was in her +palmiest days. On these occasions, Sister Abigail used frequently to remind +the Squire of "his great bereavement, and what an angel of a wife he had +lost; and that things didn't look as they used to do, when she was around, +and she didn't wonder he took on so, when the poor thing died." + +But, reader, Ike Turtle had ordered things otherwise. _He_ was determined +to strike up a match between the Squire and Aunt Graves. So Ike made a +special visit to Aunt Graves one evening, for the purpose of "surveying and +sounding along the coast, to see how the waters laid, and how the old soul +would take it," to use his language. + +I have already given an outline of Aunt Graves; but I will now say further, +that she never had an offer of matrimony in her whole life. She was what is +termed a "touchy" old maid. She professed to hate men, and affected great +distress of mind when thrown into their society. Aunt Graves was just +ironing down the seams of a coat that she had finished, when Ike called. + +Ike opened the conversation by reminding Aunt Graves that "she was livin' +along kinder lonely like." + +"Lonely 'nough, I s'pose," she replied, snappishly. + +"Don't you never have the blues, and get sorter obstrep'rous?" + +Aunt Graves "didn't know as she did." + +"Why, in the name of old Babylon, don't you marry?" + +"Marry? _me_ marry--marry a man--a great awful man!" and the iron flew +through the seams like lightning. + +"Yes," continued Ike, "marry--marry a man--why, woman, you are getting as +old and yellow as autumn leaves. What have you been livin' for?--you've +broken all the laws of Scripter inter pieces--and keep on breakin' on +'em--adding sin unto sin, and transgression unto transgression, and the +thing's got-ter be stopped. Now, Aunt Graves, what do you think--there's +Squire Longbow, as desolate as Sodom, and he's got-ter have a woman, or the +old man'll run as crazy as a loon a-thinkin' 'bout his household affairs; +and you know how to cook, and to wash, and to iron, to make pickles and +soap; and then, you're a proper age--what say?" + +Aunt Graves ran to the fire, plunged her goose into the ashes, and gave the +coals a smart stir. She then dropped down in her large rocking-chair, +leaned her cheek upon her elbow, fixed her eyes upon the floor, and came +near going off into hysterics. + +Ike dashed a little water into Aunt Graves' face, and she revived. After +having gained strength, she replied in substance to Ike's query in a very +languishing, die-away air: "She couldn't say--she didn't know--if it was a +duty--if she could really _believe_ it was a duty--if she was called on to +fill poor old dead-and-gone Mrs. Longbow's place--folks were born inter the +world to do good, and she had so far been one of the most unprofitablest of +sarvants; but she could never marry on her own account--" + +"In other words," exclaimed Ike, cutting her short, "you'll go it." + +Aunt Graves agreed to "reflect on't." + +It was not long after this consultation that Mrs. Swipes began to "smell a +rat," as she said. She commanded Mary Jane Arabella "never to darken the +doors of that old hog, Longbow, agin; and as for that female critter, +Graves, _she'd_ got a husband living down at the East'ard, and they'd all +get into prison for life, the first thing they know'd." + +Sister Abigail declared, "she'd have Aunt Graves turned out of church, if +she married a man who warn't a member." This was a great deal for Sister +Abigail to say, for she had been the bosom friend of Aunt Graves: "people +out of the church, and people in the church, shouldn't orter jine +themselves together--it was agin Scripter, and would get everything inter a +twist." + +But Ike Turtle had decreed that the marriage should go on. He even went so +far as to indite the first letter of the Squire's to Aunt Graves. This +letter, which Ike exhibited to his friends, as one of his best literary +specimens, was indeed a curiosity. I presume there is nothing else like it +on the face of the globe. It opened by informing Aunt Graves that since the +"loss of his woman, he had felt very grievous-like, and couldn't fix his +mind onto anything--that the world didn't seem at all as it used to +do--that he and his woman had liv'd in peace for thirty years, and the +marriage state was nat'ral to him--that he had always lik'd Aunt Graves +since the very first time he see'd her, and so did his woman too;" and many +more declarations of similar import, and it was signed "J. Longbow, Justice +of the Peace," and _sealed_ too, like his legal processes, that his dignity +might command, even if his person did not win, the affections of this +elderly damsel. + +Aunt Graves surrendered--and all this within two months after the death of +Mrs. Longbow. The Squire cast off his weeds, and made violent preparations +for matrimony; and on a certain night--I shall never forget it--the affair +came off. + +There was a great gathering at the Squire's--a sort of general invitation +had been extended far and near--the Swipeses and Beagles, Aunt Sonora, and +all. Great preparations had been made in the way of eatables. The Squire +was rigged in a new suit of "_home-made_," (made by Mrs. Longbow, too, in +her life-time),--a white vest, and he wore a cotton bandana +neck-handkerchief, with heavy bows, that buried his chin, and a pair of +pumps and clouded blue stockings. Aunt Graves' dress cannot be described. +She was a mass of fluttering ribbons, and she looked as though she would +take wings and fly away. + +Bigelow Van Slyck and Ike Turtle conducted the marriage ceremony--the one +took the ecclesiastical, the other the civil management. When the couple +were ready, Turtle sat down in front of them with the statutes under his +arm, with Bigelow at his right hand. + +Turtle examined the statutes amid profound silence for some time, turning +down one leaf here and another there, until he found himself thoroughly +prepared for the solemn occasion. Finally, he arose, and with a gravity +that no man ever put on before or since, exclaimed,-- + +"Miss Graves, hold up your right hand and swear." + +Miss Graves said "she was a member of the church, and dar'sent swear." + +Ike said it was "legal swearing he wanted, 'cording to the staterts--not +the wicked sort--he wanted her to swear that she was over fourteen years of +age--hadn't got no husband living, nowhere--warn't goin' to practise no +fraud nor nothin' on Squire Longbow--and that she'd jest as good a right to +get married now as she ever had." + +Miss Graves looked blank. + +Squire Longbow said "he'd run the risk of the fourteen years of age and the +fraud, and finally he would of the whole on't. The staterts was well +enough, but it warn't to be presumed that a _justice of the peace would_ +run agin 'em. Some folks didn't know 'em--he did." + +Ike said "there was something another in the statert about wimin's doing +things 'without any fear or compulsion of anybody,' and he guessed he'd +take Miss Graves into another room, and examine her separately and apart +from her intended husband." This was a joke of Turtle's. + +The Squire said "that meant _married_ wimin--arter the ceremony was over, +that ere would be very legal and proper." + +Mrs. Swipes said, "for her part, she thought the oath or-ter be put--it +would be an awful thing to see a poor cretur forced into marriage." + +Sister Abigail thought so, too. + +Aunt Sonora hoped there wouldn't be nothin' did wrong, "so people could +take the law on 'em." + +Turtle said, "that they needn't any on 'em fret their gizzards--_he_ was +responsible for the la' of the case." + +Bigelow then rose, and told the parties to jine hands, and while they were +jined, he wanted the whole company to sing a psalm. + +The psalm was sung. + +Bigelow then commenced the wedding process. "Squire Longbow," exclaimed +Bigelow--"this is your second wife, and some folks say the third, and I +hope you feel the awful position in which you find yourself." + +The Squire said "he felt easy and resigned--he'd gone inter it from respect +to his woman who was now no more." + +"You do promise to take this ere woman, to eat her, and drink her, and keep +her in things to wear, so long as you and she lives." + +"I do that very thing," responded the Squire. + +"And you, on your part," continued Bigelow, turning to Aunt Graves, +"promise to behave yourself and obey the Squire in all things." + +Aunt Graves said "she would, Providence permitting." + +This marriage ceremony, I believe, is nearly word for word. + +"Then," said Turtle, "wheel yourselves into line, and let's have a dance;" +and drawing out his fiddle the whole crowd, in five minutes, were tearing +down at a most furious rate; and when I departed, at about midnight, the +storm was raging still higher, the whiskey and hot water circulated freely, +Turtle looked quite abstracted about his eyes, and his footsteps were +growing more and more uncertain, Bulliphant's face shone like a full moon, +the voices of the females, a little stimulated, were as noisy and confused +as those of Babel, and your humble servant--why, he walked home as straight +as a gun--of course he did--and was able to distinguish a hay-stack from a +meeting-house, anywhere along the road. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + + The Group at "The Eagle."--Entree of a Stranger.--His + Opinion of the Tavern.--Bulliphant wakes up.--Can't pick + Fowls after Dark.--Sad Case of Mother Gantlet and Dr. + Teazle.--Mr. Farindale begins to unbend.--Whistle & Sharp, + and their Attorney.--Good Pay.--Legal Conversation.--Going + Sniping.--Great Description of the Animal.--The Party start, + Farindale holding the Bag.--"Waiting for + Snipe."--Farindale's Solitary Return.--His Interview with + Whistle & Sharp.--Suing a Puddleford Firm.--Relief + Laws.--Farindale gets his Execution.--The Puddleford + Bank.--The Appraisers.--Proceeds of the Execution. + + +Late in the fall of the year, early one evening, Turtle, Longbow, Bates, +the "Colonel," Swipes, and Beagle were congregated at the Eagle. Turtle and +Bates were engaged at a game of checkers, and each one, fast-anchored at +his right hand, had a glass of whiskey and water, or, as Turtle called it, +"a little diluted baldface." Their mouths were pierced with a pipe, in the +left hand corner, which hung loosely and rakishly down, besmearing their +laps with ashes, and now and then they puffed forth a column of smoke. The +"Colonel," Longbow, and the other Puddlefordians were ranged round the +fire. The Colonel sat in a rickety chair, his feet hoisted up on the mantel +on a line with his nose, and his shoulders hitched over the ends of its +posts; the Squire was busily looking into the glowing coals, his hands +clasped across his breast, unravelling some question of law, and Swipes +sat very affectionately on Beagle's lap, his right arm thrown around his +neck. + +While in this position, aloud call of "Hallo!" "Landlord!" "O-r-s-t-ler!" +was heard without. + +"Stir yer stumps, old Boniface--a traveller in distress," exclaimed Ike, to +Bulliphant, who was asleep on a wooden box behind the bar, and was snoring +louder and louder at each succeeding blast. + +"Another two-and-sixpence, old free and easy," added Bates. + +"This ere's a licensed tavern, and you must be up and doing, or the la' 'll +be inter you," gravely remarked the Squire. + +By this time the stranger dashed into the bar-room, his face flushed, and +his temper, or his offended dignity, or both, in the ascendant, and +exclaimed, ferociously, "Is this a tavern! are you all dead! where's the +landlord! the hostler! Got any hay--oats!--anything for a gentleman to +eat!--any place to sleep!"--when Bulliphant rubbed open his eyes with the +knuckle of his fore-finger, gave a sleepy nod, and stumbled towards the +door, to provide for his furious guest and his horse. + +The stranger walked into the bar-room, unwound two or three gaudy shawls +from his neck, took off an overcoat, a surtout-coat, shed a pair of +India-rubber travelling-boots, run both of his hands deep into his +breeches-pockets, took half a dozen pompous strides across the floor, +looking down all the while in abstracted mood at his feet, paraded before a +glass, twisted one of the locks of his hair around his fore-finger, and +finally brought up with his back to the fire, where he stood, his hands +holding apart the skirts of his coat, and his attention fixed upon +something on the ceiling. + +Turtle measured him with his eyes several times from head to foot; the +"Colonel" hitched out of his way and begged his pardon, when, in fact, he +was not at all _in_ his way; the Squire was quite overcome at the amount of +opposing dignity brought so directly in contact with him; Bates gravely +whistled Yankee Doodle, gazing out of the window, and winked over his +shoulder at Beagle and Swipes, who winked back again. + +Bulliphant returned wide awake. "Any turkeys or chickens?" inquired the +stranger. + +"All gone to roost," answered Bulliphant, with a grave kind of brevity. + +"Take a broiled chicken," said the stranger, giving a heavy hawk, with his +hand upon his breast, and spitting half across the floor. + +"Have to take it feathers and all, then," said Bulliphant--"wimin folks are +superstitious--don't b'lieve it's right to pick fowls in the night--'twas +jest so with my wife's grandmother--she had the same complaint." + +The stranger looked very hard at Bulliphant, and spit again, somewhat +spitefully. + +"Can give you mush, souse, slap-jacks, briled pork," continued Bulliphant, +looking quizzically towards Turtle. + +The stranger said, "he thought he'd stopped at a _tavern_--but he'd a great +deal better turned himself into the woods, and browsed for supper"--and +heaving a long sigh, sat down, and crossed his legs in a settled mood of +desperation. + +Bulliphant said "there warn't no cause for alarm--he'd seen sicker men than +he die--and get well, too." + +The stranger grunted and shifted his legs. + +There was a long silence. All the Puddlefordians, except Ike and Bates, who +were absorbed in their game, were looking soberly and steadily into the +burning logs. + +"Turtle," exclaimed Swipes, at last, breaking the solitude--"is that man +goin' to die?" + +"Can't tell," replied Turtle; "his life's on a pize--may turn one way, may +turn t'other," and he took out his pipe, and blew a long whiff. + +"Sleep well, last night?" + +"Groan'd some 'bout midnight." + +Swipes looked very sad, and the stranger's eyes passed from face to face +with anxious looks. + +"Ain't goin' to bleed to death?" + +"Not zactly that, but mortification's goin' to set in, and he cannot stand +it long, when that takes him." + +"Dear me!" exclaimed the Colonel. + +"Very strange case!" added the Squire. + +"Great loss!" rejoined Bates. + +The stranger, who was none other than the junior member of the firm of +Follett, Fizzlet & Farindale, dry goods merchants, doing business in the +city of New York, and who was out at Puddleford hunting up the firm of +Whistle & Sharp, a couple of debtors, whose account had been in the rear +for some time--the stranger, I say, became very anxious to hear the +particulars of the man whose life was in jeopardy--and he exclaimed before +he thought--"What is it, gentlemen?--who's hurt?" + +"Why," said Ike, his face all the while cast iron, and his eyes steadily +fixed on his game; "why, you see, old mother Gantlet was took with a +violent mis'ry in her head--sent for Dr. Teazle--our village doctor +here--the old 'oman said her head would bust--doctor said it wouldn't--the +old 'oman said it would--the doctor said he'd tie it up--and he _did_ try +to tie it up, stranger--and while he was busy, her head _did_ bust, and +blew off the doctor's thumb and fore-finger"--and Ike shoved a man into the +king-row and crowned him, without a look at Mr. Farindale, his face all the +while as rigid as a tombstone. + +Mr. Farindale gave a long whistle, and immediately called for a cigar; the +Colonel dropped a quid of tobacco into his hand, and gave it a toss across +the bar-room; Longbow shot forth a dignified spit into the fire, or rather +it seemed to shoot out itself, without moving a muscle, and Bates stroked +his chin several times with his left hand. + +A long pause ensued. "What became of the woman?" inquired Farindale, after +five minutes, looking sharply at Ike. + +"She hain't been heer'd on since, as I knows on," replied Ike; "but the +_doctor's_ in a dref-ul state." + +The game of checkers closed, and Ike and Bates moved around near Mr. +Farindale. + +"Stranger," said Ike, "travelled long in these ere parts?" + +"Not long--but long enough." + +"Goin' on?" + +"On where?" + +"Why, on to the next place?" + +"Does Whistle & Sharp live hereabouts?" inquired Farindale, without +answering Ike's question. + +"To be sure they do," said Ike; "I know 'em like a book; am their 'torney." + +"Their attorney--_you_ their attorney--attorney of Whistle & Sharp," said +the stranger, slowly and musingly, scratching his head with his +fore-finger. + +"Got anything for 'em or agin 'em?" inquired Ike. + +"Are they good pay?" inquired the stranger. + +"Always pays at the end of an execution," replied Ike--"never +before--allers takes a receipt on the docket--makes their settlements a +matter of record--puts things where they can't be ripp'd up--best way, +ain't it, stranger?" + +The stranger grunted, "Humph!" + +"And then," said Ike, "there's no dispute 'bout authority to collect. +Everybody can't tell who everybody's agent is. One New York clark run'd +away one year with all the collections from Puddleford in his +breeches-pocket; but the court _has_ authority--gin'ral jurisdiction--and +the discharge of a court is a discharge what _is_ a discharge." + +"That's a real opinion," exclaimed Longbow, who had not spoken for half an +hour; "there's nothin' like a _court_ to put a finish onter things;" and +the Squire gave two or three heavy coughs, and blew his nose into his red +cotton handkerchief, and doubling it up into a wad, looked around very +gravely at Farindale as he dropped it back into his hat. + +"Authority! The authority of courts to collect debts! They may have +authority, but I never saw a court that had the _power_ to collect a debt +of me," exclaimed the Colonel, shifting his tobacco from one side of his +mouth to the other as he spoke; "and I never put in a plea in my life--the +plea always puts _itself_ in, and is a dead bar to further proceedings +every time--'no assets'--'nothing whereon to levy'"-- + +"_Nully Bony! Nully Bony!_ you mean," said the Squire, horror-stricken at +the Colonel's use of law language. + +"That's it," said Bates; "hain't got nothin' to get onter"-- + +"And ain't nowhere to be found, nor nothin'," added Turtle. + +"Just so," said the Colonel; "a kind of general suspension for want of +capital--the fiddle's on hand, but the bow is gone." + +The stranger was puzzled at the Puddlefordian view of paying debts, and +wondered if Whistle & Sharp were advocates of the same doctrine. + +"Stranger!" said Bates, turning the subject of conversation, "do you ever +hunt?" + +"Never," answered Farindale. + +"Rare sport to-night, going a-sniping," said Bates. + +"_Sni_-ping?" inquired the stranger, emphasizing the first syllable; +"_sni_-ping! what is _sni_-ping?" + +"_Sni_-ping?" answered Bates--"why, catching snipe, to be sure." + +"Great sport," said the Colonel; "bagged three hundred night before last." + +"The real yaller legs, too!" remarked Turtle. + +Farindale said "he would like to accompany them--never saw a snipe in his +life--would like to take one back to the city. Do they _sing_?" he +inquired, turning to Turtle. + +"Great singers! catch any tune! s'prising critters to larn," answered Ike; +"got one up to my house that goes thro' half of 'Old Hundred,' by jest +hearing the folks hum it round the house." + +"_Re_-markable!" exclaimed Farindale. + +"Great eating, too," said Longbow. + +"Hain't got mor'n two or three bones in their whole body; all the rest +meat," said Bates. + +Preparations were immediately made for the sniping expedition. The stranger +put on his India-rubber boots, and shawls, and overcoat; Ike procured a +large bag of Bulliphant; and all hands, excepting Squire Longbow, whose +dignity forbade anything like sport, wended their way to the river, where, +Turtle said, "there were whole droves on 'em." + +"Now," whispered Turtle, drawing Farindale close to him, and holding his +arm all the while as he spoke in his ear, "we must keep very still--snipe +are scary critters, and when they get frightened they put straight for the +river. There is a big log out yonder--a favorite spot of theirs--down which +they travel and jump off into the river. You jest take this ere bag, creep +softly down to the log, slip the bag over the end on't, and wait there +until we drive in the snipe. Don't speak--don't move; make 'em think you +are the trunk of a tree; and when the bag is full, slip it off, and close +it in a jiffy." + +"Yes! yes!" whispered back Farindale. + +"Mind, don't stir from your post till I halloo." + +"No! no!" said Farindale. + +Farindale did as he was directed. He found, however, a foot of black muck; +but, after "slumping" a while, he managed to plant his spread legs out like +a pair of extended compasses, and slide the bag over the log. Here he +stood, half bent together, grasping the bag, and waiting for snipe. + +There was a beating of the bushes around him; then all was still; then +another beating, and another, and then a longer silence. Farindale was +sinking deeper and deeper in the mud, and the water was nearly to the top +of his boots. By and by, the noises ceased--no foot-step could be heard, +and the stranger was alone with the bag and the log, and half up to his +middle--_waiting for snipe_. + +What ever became of the Puddlefordians is more than I can say. Farindale +returned to the Eagle alone. Early the next morning he might have been +found in anxious consultation with Whistle & Sharp concerning a claim there +of a hundred and twelve dollars, and interest after six months, which he +was very desirous to secure or settle. Mr. Whistle, the senior member of +the firm of Whistle & Sharp, was a very thin-faced man, with sandy hair +that had seldom been combed, and he wore a faded blue coat with metal +buttons, the two behind having been placed just under his armpits, which +made him look as though some invisible power was all the while lifting him +up from the ground. His woollen pantaloons had passed so many times through +the wash-tub, that he was obliged to strain out the wrinkles when he put +them on, and they clung as tight to his legs as his skin. Sharp was a +little man, had a long face, and his mouth seemed to have been bored--for +it was round--about midway between his chin and his forehead; and he was +always wasping around, giving consequential orders about nothing, and very +often spoke of the _firm_ of Whistle & Sharp, and what Whistle & Sharp had +done, and what Whistle & Sharp could do, and would do. + +Mr. Whistle informed Mr. Farindale that "the debt could not be paid at +present, although," he added, "that the firm of Whistle & Sharp were good +for ten times that amount." + +"And another ten top of that," added Sharp, from the other end of the +store, where he was tumbling down and putting up goods by way of exercise. + +"Can you secure them?" inquired Farindale. + +"Well, now, you _have_ said it!" exclaimed Whistle, with apparent +astonishment. "What can be safer than the firm of Whistle & +Sharp?--_secure!_--never had such a thing hinted before during the ten +years of our business." + +"A mortgage," insinuated Farindale. + +"Can't do _that_,--not no how; my old grandfather was swept out clean with +a mortgage once; took all he had, and he was compelled to emigrate; died of +broken heart at last." + +"Then," said Farindale, "I must sue." + +"What! sue the firm of Whistle & Sharp! Very well, sir, do, if you please." + +"Yes-sir-_ee_--horse-cob! Mr. Follett, Fizzlet & Farindale," exclaimed +Sharp, springing at one bound over the counter; "just sue us +if--_you_--please; we'll pay the costs!" and Sharp whistled a tune with his +eyes fixed steadily upon Farindale. + +"Court sits next month," said Whistle. + +"And we'll confess judgment," said Sharp. + +"And the _pay_ is sure," said Whistle. + +"And no trouble hereafter," said Sharp. + +Mr. Farindale began to think another sniping expedition was afoot. He was +not a coward, if his cockneyism had lured him after snipe; but he was +unable to determine what kind of people the Puddlefordians were. He had +never met anything like them. So he sat in his chair, the account against +Whistle & Sharp in his hand, tapping the floor with his right foot, trying +to devise some way to secure his claim. + +A thought struck him. "Pay it, and I will make a discount of twenty-five +per cent.," said he. + +"What's that you say?" indignantly exclaimed Sharp. "Do you mean to injure +our firm?--the firm of Whistle & Sharp, who pay dollar for dollar! That +ere, sir, is an insult. There's the door--walk! Sue! but you can't insult +_us_ on our own premises. That's the way to talk it, sir!" And Mr. +Farindale _did_ go, and he _did_ sue, and the firm recovered a judgment +against Whistle & Sharp for the sum of three hundred and twenty-four +dollars and sixteen cents, and costs of suit. + +It was no great matter to recover a judgment against a Puddlefordian; but +it was something of a business to realize the damages. And that the reader +may understand what kind of a prospect Follett, Fizzlet & Farindale had for +their money, it is necessary to speak of the laws then in force for the +collection of debts. The new states at that time were entirely "shingled +over" with relief laws, which were passed to save the property of the +pioneer from sacrifice. There was scarcely any money in Puddleford, and +exchanges were made by barter. Personal property was valued by its relation +to other property; eight yards of calico were worth so much wheat, corn, +potash, cord-wood, or saw-logs. The merchant managed to turn his grain +into high wines, or put it in some other shape that would bear +transportation, and he was thus enabled to pay _his_ debts. The farmer gave +the mechanic an order on the merchant; the professional man took an order +on the merchant; the day-laborer took an order on the merchant; everybody +took an order on the merchant. The merchant was general paymaster; what he +could not, or would not pay, remained unpaid; and he, in his turn, swept +the farmer's crops, and took everything available; and the balance yet his +due, and remaining unpaid, if any, was carried over against the farmer, and +against the next crop. Thus the whole business of Puddleford ran through +the merchant like wheat through a mill, and generally at a profit to the +latter of from seventy-five to a hundred per cent. + +It was this condition of the country that drove the legislature into the +enactment of relief-laws. As there was no money to pay debts, it was +enacted that property should be a legal tender. The law in force, at the +date of the judgment against Whistle & Sharp, was a beautiful specimen of +legislative impudence and ingenuity. It _was_ a relief law! One section of +the act provided, in substance, that upon the presentation of an execution, +issued by any court in the state, by the officer to whom the same shall be +directed, to the debtor or debtors mentioned therein, _such debtor or +debtors may turn out any property, personal or real, to said officer_ who +shall levy on the same; and the said officer shall cause the same to be +appraised by three appraisers, one to be chosen by the plaintiff, one by +the defendant, and one by the officer, who shall forthwith be sworn, etc., +and proceed to appraise said property turned out at its true cash value; +and the said plaintiff in such execution shall receive said property at two +thirds its appraised value; and, if he refuse, he shall not proceed any +farther with his execution, or have another, _until he first pay up all the +costs of said appraisement_.[A] + +An execution was issued by J. Snappit, Esq., attorney for Follett, Fizzlet +& Farindale, upon the judgment, recorded as foresaid, against the firm of +Whistle & Sharp, and put into the hands of the sheriff for collection. + +Now the sheriff of the county which included Puddleford within its limits +was an accommodating man, a humane man, a man of the people, a--politician. +He did not think it necessary to oppress debtors who were unfortunately +unable to pay their debts--for the people elected him. Follett, Fizzlet & +Farindale never voted for _him_--never could vote for him; Whistle & Sharp +had, and would again. So the sheriff went down to Puddleford, and very +politely informed them, with a wink, that "he had _that_ execution against +them, and it must be paid." + +"Jest so--jest so," answered Sharp, reading over the writ: "Whistle & Sharp +always pay--always have a pile of assets ready for a levy;" and returning +the execution to the sheriff, begged a moment's delay, until "_we_ could +consult with our attorney." + +Mr. Turtle was consulted, and the conclusion of Sharp's interview with him +amounted to this: that Turtle should go immediately, and purchase for +Whistle & Sharp the old steamboat cylinder, crank, and shaft; and the +parties separated. + +The steamboat cylinder, crank, and shaft, alluded to, was what Turtle +called the "Puddleford bank--metallic basis." Some years before, a +steamboat, on an exploring expedition up the river, among its windings and +sand-bars, was wrecked, and a heavy cylinder, crank, and shaft, thrown +ashore at Puddleford, where they lay at the period I speak of, and had for +a long time, deeply imbedded in sand. This mass of iron, weighing many +tons, had for a long time been a perpetual bar to the collection of all +debts against Puddlefordians. Chitty, in his Pleadings, never invented one +so omnipotent. It suspended every execution directed against it. It was +transferred, by bill of sale, from one Puddlefordian to another (as no +creditor was ever found willing to receive it at any price), as necessity +required, and was considered, by common consent, public property--a "bank" +as Turtle called it, "to which any person had a right to resort in +distress."[B] + +Turtle took a bill of sale of this iron from the last man in trouble, and +turned it out to the sheriff on the execution against Whistle & Sharp. + +"Now, Mr. Sheriff," said Turtle, triumphantly, "bring on your ap_pri_zers; +a thousand dollars' worth of property to pay a little over three hundred. +My clients, Whistle & Sharp, are bunkum yet--allers stand up to the rack at +the end of an execution. Bring on your ap_pri_zers, Mr. Sheriff." + +Mr. Turtle chose an appraiser first--a second cousin of Mr. Whistle, of +the firm of Whistle & Sharp, and a man who was deeply in debt on their +books--a bilious, weazen-faced, melancholy-looking man, who had acquired a +great reputation for wisdom by saying nothing--whose name was Clinket. No +one appearing to choose for the plaintiffs, the sheriff selected the other +two. He named Mr. Troper, a seedy old fellow, whose crown was half out of +his hat, whose beard was white, his nose red, and who had a whiskey-cough, +and who was in the habit of visiting the barrel-tap of Whistle & Sharp +three or four times a day, in consideration of odd jobs performed by him +around the store; also, Mr. Fatler, a chubby-faced, twinkle-eyed wag, who +would not hesitate to perpetrate a good joke, even under oath, particularly +upon non-residents. + +The Puddlefordians were out in mass to see Follett & Co. try a run on their +"bank." Many remarks were made. + +Bulliphant said "the cylinder alone cost five hundred dollars." + +Swipes said "it was a bully piece of stuff." + +"How much is the debt?" inquired Bates. + +"Two thirds of twelve hundred," exclaimed Turtle, loudly, "is eight +hundred." + +"Worth the debt for old iron," said the Colonel. + +These remarks, designed for the appraisers, had their effect; they +examined; they figured; retired for consultation; returned; retired again; +and finally appraised the property turned out at sixteen hundred dollars; +paying, at two thirds its _value_, the debt of Whistle & Sharp, and leaving +a very handsome surplus due them from their creditors. But I am very happy +to be enabled to say that Whistle & Sharp most magnanimously offered to +release all _their_ claim on the levy to Follett & Co., if they would take +the property, and discharge the judgment and costs, "making," as they said +in their letter to them, "a clear profit on their part of from four to five +hundred dollars." + +FOOTNOTES: + +[A] This is the substance of a portion of the act, as it stood in force +some years. + +[B] This is a literal fact. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + + The "Fev-Nag."--Conflicting Theories.--"Oxergin and + Hydergin."--Teazle's Rationale.--The Scourge of the + West.--Sile Bates, and his Condition.--Squire Longbow and + Jim Buzzard.--Puddleford Prostrate.--Various + Practitioners.--"The Billerous Duck."--Pioneer + Martyrs.--Wave over Wave. + + +During my first fall's residence at Puddleford, I frequently heard a +character spoken of, who seemed to be full as famous in the annals of the +place as Squire Longbow himself. He was called by a great variety of names, +and very seldom alluded to with respect. He was termed the "Fev-Nag," the +"Ag-an-Fev," the "Shakin' Ager," the "Shakes," and a great variety of other +hard names were visited upon him. + +That he was the greatest scourge Puddleford had to contend with, no one +denied. Who he really was, what he was, where born, and for what purpose, +was a question. Dobbs had one theory, Short another, and Teazle still +another. Dr. Dobbs said "that his appearance must be accounted for in this +wise--that the marshes were all covered with water in the spring, that the +sun began to grow so all-fir'd hot 'long 'bout July and August, that it +cream'd over the water with a green scum, and rotted the grass, and this +all got stewed inter a morning fog, that rose up and elated itself among +the Ox-er-gin and Hy-der-gin, and pizened everybody it touched." + +Dr. Dobbs delivered this opinion at the public house, in a very oracular +style. I noticed several Puddlefordians in his presence at the time, and +before he closed, their jaws dropped, and their gaping mouths and expanded +eyes were fixed upon him with wonder. + +Dr. Teazle declared that "Dobbs didn't know anything about it. He said the +ager was buried up in the airth, and that when the sile was turned up, it +got loose, and folks breath'd it into their lungs, and from the lungs it +went into the liver, and from the liver it went to the kidneys, and the +secretions got fuzzled up, and the bile turn'd black, and the blood didn't +run, and it set everybody's inards all a-tremblin'." + +Without attempting the origin of the ague and fever, it was, and always has +been, the scourge of the West. It is the foe that the West has ever had to +contend with. It delays improvement, saps constitutions, shatters the whole +man, and lays the foundation for innumerable diseases that follow and +finish the work for the grave. It is not only ague and fever that so +seriously prostrates the pioneer, but the whole family of intermittent and +remittent fevers, all results of the same cause, press in to destroy. +Perhaps no one evil is so much dreaded. Labor, privation, poverty, are +nothing in comparison. It is, of course, fought in a great variety of ways, +and the remedies are as numerous as they are ridiculous. A physician who is +really skilful in the treatment of these diseases is, of course, on the +road to wealth, but skilful physicians were not frequent in Puddleford, as +the reader has probably discovered. + +I recollect that, during the months of September and October, subsequently +to my arrival, all Puddleford was "down," to use the expression of the +country; and if the reader will bear with me, and pledge himself not to +accuse me of trifling with so serious a subject, I will endeavor to +describe Puddleford "in distress." + +I will premise by saying that it is expected that persons who are on their +feet during these visitations, give up their time and means to those who +are not. There is a nobleness of soul in a western community in this +respect that does honor to human nature. A village is one great +family--every member must be provided for--old grudges are, for the time, +buried. + +I have now a very vivid remembrance of seeing Sile Bates, one bright +October morning, walking through the main street of Puddleford, at the pace +of a funeral procession, his old winter overcoat on, and a faded shawl tied +about his cheeks. Sile informed me "that he believed the ager was comin' +on-ter him--that he had a spell on't the day before, and the day before +that--that he had been a-stewin' up things to break the fits, and clean out +his constitution, but it stuck to him like death on-ter a nigger"--he said +"his woman and two boys were shakin' like all possess't, and he railly +believed if somebody didn't stop it, the log-cabin would tumble down round +their ears." He said "there warn't nobody to do nuthin' 'bout house, and +that all the neighbors were worse off than he was." + +Sile was a melancholy object indeed. And in all conscience, reader, did you +ever behold so solemn, woe-begone a thing on the round earth, as a man +undergoing the full merits of ague and fever? Sile sat down on a barrel and +commenced gaping and stretching, and now and then dropped a remark +expressive of his condition. He finally began to chatter, and the more he +chattered, the more ferocious he waxed. He swore "that if he ever got well, +he'd burn his house, sell his traps, 'bandon his land, pile his family into +his cart, hitch on his oxen, and drive 'em, and drive 'em to the north +pole, where there warn't no ager, he knew. One minit," he said, "he was +a-freezin', and then he was a-burnin', and then he was a-sweatin' to death, +and then he had a well day, and that didn't 'mount to nothin', for the +critter was only gettin' strength to jump on him agin the next." Sile at +last exhausted himself, and getting upon his feet, went off muttering and +shaking towards his house. + +The next man I met was Squire Longbow. The Squire was moving slower, if +possible, than Bates. His face looked as if it had been just turned out of +yellow oak, and his eyes were as yellow as his face. As the Squire never +surrendered to anything, I found him not disposed to surrender to ague and +fever. He said "he'd only had a little brush, but he'd knock it out on-him +in a day or two. He was jist goin' out to scrape some elder bark _up_, to +act as an emetic, as Aunt Sonora said if he scraped it _down_, it would +have t'other effect--and that would kill it as dead as a door-nail." + +I soon overhauled Jim Buzzard, lying half asleep in the bottom of his +canoe, brushing off flies with an oak branch. Jim, too, was a case, but it +required something more than sickness to disturb his equilibrium. Jim said +"he warn't sick, but he felt the awfulest tired any dog ever did--he was +the all-thunderest cold, t'other day, _he_ ever was in hot +weather--somethin' 'nother came on ter him all of a suddint, and set his +knees all goin', and his jaws a quiv'rin', and so he li'd down inter the +sun, but the more he li'd, the more he kept on a shakin', and then that +are all went off agin, and he'd be darned to gracious if he didn't think +he'd burn up--and so he just jumped inter the river, and cool'd off--and, +now he feel'd jist so agin--and so he'd got where the sun could strike him +a little harder this time. What shall a feller do?" at last inquired Jim. + +"Take medicine," said I. + +"Not by a jug-full," said Jim. "Them are doctors don't get any of their +stuff down my throat. If I can't stand it as long as the ager, then I'll +give in. Let-er-shake if it warnts to--it works harder than I do, and will +get tir'd byme-by. Have you a little plug by-yer jest now, as I haven't had +a chew sin' morning, as it may help a feller some?" Jim took the tobacco, +rolled over in his canoe, gave a grunt, and composed himself for sleep. + +This portrait of Buzzard would not be ludicrous, if it was not true. +Whether Socrates or Plato, or any other heathen philosopher, has ever +attempted to define this kind of happiness, is more than I can say. In +fact, reader, I do not believe that there was one real Jim Buzzard in the +whole Grecian republic. + +But why speak of individual cases? Nearly all Puddleford was +prostrate--man, woman, and child. There were a few exceptions, and the aid +of those few was nothing compared to the great demand of the sick. It was +providential that the nature of the disease admitted of one well day, +because there was an opportunity to "exchange works," and the sick of +to-day could assist the sick of to-morrow, and so _vice versa_. + +I looked through the sick families, and found the patients in all +conditions. One lady had "just broke the ager on-ter her by sax-fax tea, +mix'd with Colombo." Another "had been a-tryin' eli-cum-paine and pop'lar +bark, but it didn't lie good on her stomach, and made her enymost crazy." +Another woman was "so as to be crawlin'"--another was "getting quite +peert"--another "couldn't keep anything down, she felt so qualmly"--another +said, "the disease was runnin' her right inter the black janders, and then +she _was_ gone"--another had "run clear of yesterday's chill, and was now +goin' to weather it;" and so on, through scores of cases. + +It is worthy of note, the popular opinion of the character of this disease. +Although Puddleford had been afflicted with it for years, yet it was no +better understood by the mass of community than it was at first. I have +already given the opinion of Dobbs and Teazle of the _causes_ of the ague; +but as Dobbs and Teazle held entirely different theories, Puddleford was +not much enlightened by their wisdom. (If some friend will inform me when +and where any community was ever enlightened by the _united_ opinion of its +physicians, I will publish it in my next work.) Aunt Sonora had a theory +which was a little old, but it was hers, and she had a right to it. She +said "nobody on airth could live with a stomach full of bile, and when the +shakin' ager come on, you'd jest got-ter go to work and get off all the +bile--bile _was_ the ager, and physicians might talk to her till she was +gray 'bout well folks having bile--she know'd better--twarn't no such +thing." + +Now Aunt Sonora practised upon this theory, and the excellent old lady +administered a cart-load of boneset every season--blows to elevate the +bile, and the leaf as a tonic. However erroneous her theory might have +been, I am bound to say that her practice was about as successful as that +of the regular physician. + +Mr. Beagle declared "that the ager was in the blood, and the patient must +first get rid of all his bad blood, and then the ager would go along with +it." Swipes said "it was all in the stomach." Dobbs said "the billerous +duck chok'd up with the mash fogs, and the secretions went every which way, +and the liver got as hard as sole-leather, and the patient becom' sick, and +the ager set in, and then the fever, and the hull system got-er goin' +wrong, and if it warn't stopped, natur'd give out, and the man would die." +Teazle said "it com'd from the plough'd earth, and got inter the air, and +jist so long as folks breath'd agery air, jist so long they'd have the +ager." Turtle said "the whole tribe on 'em, men-doctors and women-doctors, +were blockheads, and the surest way to get rid of the ager, was to let it +run, and when it had run itself out, it would stop, and not 'afore." + +Here, then, was Puddleford at the mercy of a dozen theories, and yet men +and women recovered, when the season had run its course, and were tolerably +sure of health, until another year brought around another instalment of +miasma. + +How many crops of men have been swept off by the malaria of every new +western country, I will not attempt to calculate! How many, few persons +have ever attempted! This item very seldom goes into the cost of +colonization. Pioneers are martyrs in a sublime sense, and it is over their +bones that school-houses, churches, colleges, learning, and refinement are +finally planted. But the death of a pioneer is a matter of no moment in +our country--it is almost as trifling a thing as the death of a soldier in +an Indian fight. There is no glory to be won on any such field. One +generation rides over another, like waves over waves, and "no such +miserable interrogatory," as Where has it gone? or How did it go? is put; +but What did it do?--What has it left behind? + +Any one who has long been a resident in the West, must have noticed the +operation of climate upon the constitution. The man from the New England +mountains, with sinews of steel, soon finds himself flagging amid western +miasma, and a kind of stupidity creeps over him, that it is impossible to +shake off. The system grows torpid, the energies die, indifference takes +possession, and thus he vegetates--he does not live. + +And, dear reader, it does not lighten the gloom of the picture to find +Dobbs, and Teazle, and Short, quarrelling over the remains of some departed +one, endeavoring to delude the public into something themselves have no +conception of, about the manner in which he or she went out of the world. +Not that all the physicians are Dobbses or Teazles, but these sketches are +written away out on the rim of society, the rim of western society, where +the townships are not yet all organized, and a sacred regard to truth +compels me to record facts as they exist. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + + Uncommonly Common Schools.--Annual School District + Meeting.--Accounts for Contingent Expenses.--Turtle and Old + Gulick's Boy.--"That are Glass."--The Colonel starts the + Wheels again.--Bulliphant's Tactics.--Have we hired "Deacon + Fluett's Darter," or not?--Isabel Strickett.--Bunker Hill + and Turkey.--Sah-Jane Beagles.--The Question settled. + + +Common schools are said to be the engine of popular liberty. I think we had +some of the most _un_-commonly common schools, at Puddleford, that could be +found anywhere under the wings of the American eagle. Our system was, of +course, the same as that of all other townships in the state, but its +administration was not in all respects what it should be. Our schools were +managed by Puddlefordians, and they were responsible only for the talent +which had been given them. Every citizen knows that our government is a +piece of mechanism, made up of wheels within wheels, and while these wheels +are in one sense totally independent, and stand still or turn as they are +moved or let alone, yet they may indirectly affect the whole. In other +words, our government is like a cluster of Chinese balls, curiously wrought +within, and detached from each other, and yet it is, after all, but one +ball. There is something beautiful in the construction and operation of +this piece of machinery. A school district is one machine, a township +another, a county another, and a state another--all independent +organizations, yet every community must work its own organization. They are +not operated afar off by some great central power, over the heads of the +people; but they are worked _by_ the people themselves, for themselves. + +However clumsily the work may be performed at first, practice makes +perfect, and men become the masters, as well as the administrators of their +own laws. + +We had an annual school district meeting in the village of Puddleford--and +there were many others in the country at the same time--for the township +was cut up into several districts, and I never attended one that did not +end in a "row," to use a western classical expression. The business of +these meetings was all prescribed by statute, and it amounted to settling +and allowing the accounts of the board for the last school year, voting +contingent fund for the next, determining whether a school should be taught +by a male or a female teacher, and for how many months, and the election of +new officers. + +The last meeting I attended, Longbow was in the chair by virtue of his +office as president of the school district board. Being organized, the +clerk of the board presented his account for contingent expenses, and +Longbow wished to know "if the meetin' would pass 'em." + +Turtle "wanted to hear 'em read." + +Longbow said "the only account they had was in their head." + +Turtle said "that warn't 'cordin' to the staterts." + +Longbow said "he'd risk that--his word was as good as anybody's writin', or +any statert." + +Turtle said "he'd hear what they was, but 'twarn't right, and for his +part, he didn't b'lieve the board know'd what they'd been about for the +last six months." + +Longbow raised his green shade from his blind eye, rose on his feet, looked +down very ferociously upon Turtle, stamped his foot, and informed Ike "that +this was an org'nized meetin', and he mustn't reflect on-ter the officers +of the _de_-strict; 'twas criminal!" + +The account was then repeated by Longbow, item by item, and among the rest +was two shillings for setting glass. + +When glass was mentioned, Turtle sprang to his feet again. "Thar, old man," +he exclaimed, rapping his knuckles on the desk, "thar's where I'se got +you--thar's a breach er trust, a squand'rin' of funds, that ain't a-going +to go down in this ere meetin'. Old Gulick's boy broke that are glass just +out of sheer dev'ltry, and you s'pose this ere school _de_-strict is +a-goin' to pay for't? What do you s'pose these ere staterts was passed for? +What do you s'pose you was 'lected for? To pay for old Gulick's boy?--Well, +I rather caklate not, by the light of this ere moon--not in this ere age of +Puddleford." + +Squire Longbow took a large chew of plug-tobacco, which I thought he nipped +off very short, and remained standing, with his eyes fixed on Turtle. + +Sile Bates rose, and said "he wanted to know the particulars 'bout that are +glass." + +Longbow said "the board 'spended money in their 'scretion, and 'twarn't fur +Turtle or Bates, or anybody else, to 'raign 'em up 'fore this 'ere +meetin'." + +Here was a long pause. The "Colonel" finally arose, put his hand +deliberately into his pocket, drew out a quarter, and flung it at the +Squire, and "hop'd the meetin' would go on, as it was the first public +gathering that he ever knew blocked by twenty-five cents." + +This settled the difficulty, and the report for contingent expenses was +adopted. + +Bulliphant then said he had a motion. He "moved that we hire Deacon +Fluett's darter to keep our school." + +The Squire said "the meetin' couldn't hire, but it could say male or female +teacher." + +Bulliphant "moved we hire a female, and we recommend Deacon Fluett's +darter." + +Bates said "he jest as 'lieve have one of Fluett's two-year olds." + +The "Colonel" said "she couldn't spell Baker." + +Swipes thought "she was scarcely fit to _go_ to school." + +Turtle said "the meetin' hadn't got nothin' to do with it, nohow, and the +whole motion was agin law." + +Bulliphant, who had become a little out of humor, then "moved that we don't +hire Deacon Fluett's darter." + +Bates declared "the motion out of order." + +The Squire said "he guess'd the motion was proper. The staterts said the +meetin' shouldn't hire anybody, but the de-strict board should; and this +ere motion was jest 'cordin' to statert." + +But the meeting voted down Bulliphant's motion, and Bulliphant then +declared that the vote was "tan-ter-mount to a resolve to hire the woman." + +Here was a parliamentary entanglement that occupied an hour; but the +"Colonel" settled it at last, by reminding the president "that it was _two_ +negatives that made one affirmative--not one;" and the Squire said "so he +believed he had seen it laid down inter the books." + +But I cannot attempt to report the proceedings of this miscellaneous body. +The business occupied some four or five hours, and was finally brought to a +close. A new school board was elected, and your humble servant was one of +the number; positively the first office that was ever visited upon him. + +The great question with two of the members of our board, in hiring a +teacher, was the price. Qualification was secondary. The first application +was made by a long-armed, red-necked, fiery-headed youth of about nineteen +years, who had managed to run himself up into the world about six feet two +inches, and who had not worn off his flesh by hard study, and who carried +about him digestive organs as strong as the bowels of a thrashing-machine. +He "wanted a school, 'cause he had nothing else to do in the winter +months." + +He was accordingly introduced to our School Inspectors; the only one of +whom I knew was Bates. The other two were rather more frightened at the +presentation than the applicant himself. + +Bates proposed first to try the gentleman in geography and history. +"Where's Bunker Hill?" inquired Bates, authoritatively. + +"Wal, 'bout that," said Strickett--our applicant called his name Izabel +Strickett--"'bout that, why, it's where the battle was fit, warn't it?" + +"Jes so," replied Bates; "and where was that?" + +"Down at the east'ard." + +"Who did the fightin' there?" + +"Gin'rul Washington fit all the revolution." + +"Where's Spain?" + +"Where?" repeated Strickett--"Spain? where is it?" + +"Yes! where?" + +[Illustration: JIM BUZZARD AND THE AGER. + +"Them 'ere doctors don't get any of their stuff down my throat. If I can't +stand it as long as the _ager_, then I'll give in."--Page 186.] + +"Wal, now," exclaimed Strickett, looking steadily on the floor, "I'll be +darn'd if that ere hain't just slipped my mind." + +"Where's Turkey?" + +"O, yes," said Strickett, "Turkey--the place they _call_ Turkey--if you'd +ask'd me in the street, I'd told you right off, but I've got so fruster'd I +don't know nothin';" and thinking a moment, he exclaimed, "it's where the +Turks live. I thought I know'd." + +"How many States are there in the Union?" + +"'Tween twenty-live and thirty--throwin' out Canady." + +Bates then attempted an examination in reading and spelling. "Spell hos!" +said Bates. + +"H--o--s." + +"Thunder!" roared Bates. Bates _did_ know how to spell horse. He had seen +notices of stray horses, and a horse was the most conspicuous object in +Puddleford, excepting, of course, Squire Longbow. "H--o--s! that's a +hos-of-a-way to spell hos!" and Bates looked at Strickett very severely, +feeling a pride of his own knowledge. + +Strickett said "he us'd the book when he teach'd school--he didn't teach +out of his head--and he didn't believe the 'spectors themselves could spell +Ompompanoosuck right off, without getting stuck." + +Izabel's examination was something after this sort, through the several +English branches; yet a majority of the Board of School Inspectors decided +to give him a certificate, if we said so, as he was to teach our school, +and we were more interested than they in his qualifications; and whether +the Inspectors knew what his qualifications really were, "this deponent +saith not." Strickett "sloped." + +The next application was by letter. The epistle declared that the applicant +"brok'd his arm inter a saw-mill, and he couldn't do much out-door work +till it heal'd up agin, and if we'd hire him to carry on our school, he +tho't he would make it go well 'nough,"--but the School Board decided that +all-powerful as sympathy might be, it could scarcely drive a district +school under such orthography, syntax, and prosody. + +Next appeared Mrs. Beagle, in behalf of her "Sah-Jane." "She know'd +Sah-Jane, and she know'd Sah-Jane was jist the thing for the Puddleford +school; and if we only know'd Sah-Jane as well as she know'd Sah-Jane, we'd +have her, cost what it might." She said "Sah-Jane was a most s'prisin' +gal--she hung right to her books, day _and_ night--and she know'd she had a +sleight at teachin'. Mr. Giblett's folks told Mr. Brown's folks, so she +heer'd, that if they ever _did_ get Sah-Jane into that ere school, she'd +make a buzzin' that would tell some." + +Sah-Jane's case was, however, indefinitely postponed. Some objections, +among other things, on the score of age, were suggested. This roused the +wrath of Mrs. Beagle, and she "guessed her Sah-Jane was old enough to teach +a Puddleford school--if she tho't she warn't, she'd bile her up in-ter +soap-grease, and sell her for a shillin' a quart!--and as for the +_de_-strict board, they'd better go to a school-marm themselves, and larn +somethin', or be 'lected over agin, she didn't care which;" and Mrs. Beagle +left at a very quick step, her face much flushed and full of cayenne and +vengeance. + +There were a great many more applications, and at last the board hired--I +say the _board_--_I_ didn't. But the other members overruled me, and price, +not qualification, settled the question at last. + +This was the way the machinery was worked in our school district, during +the very early days of Puddleford. As the stream never rises above the +fountain-head, education was quite feeble. But we do better now--there is +less friction on our gudgeons, and if Puddleford should turn out a +President one of these days, it would be nothing more than what our +glorious institutions have before "ground out" under more discouraging +circumstances. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + + Venison Styles again.--Sermon on Nature.--Funeral Songs of + the Birds.--Their Flight and Return.--His Theory of + Government.--Sakoset.--The Indians. + + +Venison Styles, rough and rugged as he was, had acquired much knowledge in +a wild way, and could, in that way, stagger a philosopher. No man had a +nicer insight into nature. Birds and brooks, hills and valleys, trees and +flowers, were all his study. He had no faith in science, except just so far +as it came within his own experience. "Book larnin'," he said, "was all +very well; but lookin' natur' in the face, and listening to what she said, +was a deal better." I remember one of his sermons, which he delivered to me +one bright October afternoon, when the woods were all russet and gold, the +squirrels chattering in the trees, the nuts dropping, the partridges +whirring and drumming, and the soft autumnal light was faintly struggling +along the aisles of the forest. "You see," said Venison, "how all natur' is +talkin', and if you will only listen, can tell enymost what she says. +There," he continued, "just hear that robin pecking away on that ere coke +bush. Hear him pipe away so melancholy-like--'All goin'! all goin'!' he +says. How low and fine that yaller-bird sings--a kinder fun'ral song. The +jay is sad-like, and acts just as though he felt winter comin'. That crow, +sailin' through the air, croaks awful gloomy-like and holler--and all these +ere crickets and insects jine in so sad and downcast. 'Tain't their spring +song. They are down onter another key now. They begin to feel frost inter +their bones. They know what's comin'." + +"Know!" said I; "what do birds know about winter, till it comes." I wanted +to draw the old philosopher out. + +"Know! know!" continued Venison. "Birds think and talk--yes, they +do--_they_ know. I've heerd 'em talk to one another, from tree-top to +tree-top, across these woods many a time--lay plans many a day. What makes +'em flockin' around us to-day, and soarin' around in companies, if they +don't understand each other? They go round and round for a week or two, +visit this wood and that, jabber, and fret, and fume, pick up a straggler +here, 'nother there, and when they get a good ready, and are flock'd, off +they go, travellin' south. Hain't they got col'nels, captins, and +laws?--they are jest as much of a body as our school de-strict is, and +every bird knows what he is about, what he is going to do, and how, too." + +"Why don't all the blackbirds go into one flock, Venison?" said I. + +"There 'tis! there 'tis!" replied Venison; "if 'twas all chance, they +would. But it jest ain't chance. Natur' has 'lowed them to fix it. There," +he continued, "goes a flock now--they've got a captin among 'em, leading +'em on--he knows every one under him--and they are jest around visitin' +their friends before goin' off--that's all." + +"Do you think they will come back again, Venison?" I inquired. + +"Back again! back again!" he exclaimed, looking up to me with surprise. +"Why, man, this is their home--they were born 'here. This is their ground, +hereabouts. They know every tree, and mash, and river for miles 'round. +You'll hear 'em chatterin' and gabblin' by next April 'gain." + +"Doubtful," I replied. + +"Well, now," said Venison, "I've tried that. Down to where I live, the +blackbirds and robins are thick as spatter. They make it all ring round me. +I caught a dozen or more of each in a net one fall, cut off one toe all +round, and let 'em go. Jim Spikes bet they wouldn't come back; I bet they +would. I wanted to try it, you see. When spring came on again there the +fellers were, sure enough, or most on 'em, on hand, ready for summer's +business again. Jim gin in--he did." + +"I should think they would stray away, Venison," said I. + +"Don't you believe in a God!" broke out Venison, in an animated tone. "When +He made 'em, He put a compass inter their heads that can't get out of fix, +and they run jest as straight by it as my dog does by his nose--and a dog's +nose is _his_ compass, you know." + +This was a quaint, but a very pointed way, of illustrating a law of nature. +Venison was a quaint man, and drove at a conclusion frequently cross lots, +by some startling figure of speech. + +"And I've got an idee," continued Venison, "an idee--I don't put it down as +fact--that birds know one another, jest as we do--remember each other from +y'ar to y'ar--how they sang together last y'ar and every y'ar in the +shadows and sunshine of this old wood, and nested and raised their young +'uns together--and they kinder bid good by to one 'nother when they go off +in the fall, and say How are you? when spring comes on--and may be they +have their likes and dislikes, and old grudges to bring up agin--for there +is a world of human natur' in 'em--a world on't--it is only an idee--can't +say--but I believe it--but,"--and the old hunter turned round with a sad +look,--"they won't roam round here much longer; the big trees are tumblin'; +the old seventy-sixers are enymost gone; morn'er twenty y'ars ago they were +mighty noisy up in that ar oak (he pointed to an enormous oak stump), but +the varmints heeved it down, and made it inter lumber--the old tree that +liv'd and rock'd in the storms five hundred years, I reckon; the bees and +birds all knew it, and jest hung around it 'cause they lov'd it. I have had +many a good shot from it. I heerd it crash when it came down--felt it, I +did--feel it yet--the varmints." + +"But," said I, with an effort to turn the current of the old man's +thoughts, "you really believe that birds have their captains and colonels, +and all that, do you?" + +"Yes, sir! and mor'n that; kings and queens, for aught I know. It's a king +that leads the ducks in their flight, ain't it? Hain't you heer'd him blow +his horn, away in the sky, as he led 'em on up the rivers and takes? Don't +the bees have their queen?" + +Venison launched forth in his peculiar style on the theory of government, +despotic and republican--maintained that God "hadn't any republics" in his +kingdom--"all on 'em kings and queens--nobody was 'lected there--all on +'em were made from the beginning to rule and reign over their subjects." He +maintained that as God was almighty, so he put almighty power in the rulers +of the kingdoms under him. Therefore--such was his argument--"man orter be +governed by man"--not by the voice of the people, but by a sovereign higher +than himself. His arguments and language were home-made, but his ideas were +brought out with great point and force. + +I had long known that Venison was well posted on the trees and shrubs, +flowers, and even the weeds. Nothing that he had ever observed had failed +him. Probably he never read a book on the subject in his life, that is, if +he could read. The familiar names of all creation were understood by him, +and he had his own theories about everything animate and inanimate. I +started him off on this subject. I called his attention to the oak over +which he shed a tear, and by degrees drew him along to the time when the +axe and the plough would change the whole face of the country around us +into hamlets, green pastures, and waving fields of grain. The old man +looked solemn. The subject was not pleasant to him--he heaved a sigh, and +said, finally, "'Tis all the same! 'tis all the same with me! I shall be +under the ground then! I don't wanter live to see it." + +He rallied, and went on--"They've enymost spilt it now. When I was young, I +could see a deer a mile away--no underbrush to shade my rifle. The deer, +too, look'd grander like, somehow, than they do now. They had a freedom in +'em. They seemed to know the woods was theirs. They kinder go sneakin' +round now, as though some critter was arter 'em. This stream was filled +with ducks, flappin' their wings, and washin' themselves; and many a time +I've heer'd 'em, jest as the sun was a-settin', talkin' to themselves, and +gettin' ready to go to bed. But the settlers came in, dammed the river, and +down came the sawdust, and it roar'd and rattled 'em all away. The +partridges used to drum and drum in the still afternoon, and whirr +about--and they are gone, too. I don't believe natur' likes to be +disturbed. She sorter rebels agin the plough at first. She allers sends up +coke and bramble when the furrows are first made--fights it as well as she +can, till they get her under, and put her inter what they call crops. The +Lord made the airth well enough to begin with. He knew what we wanted. He +gave us airth and sky, woods and water--birds and fish to eat--and it all +rais'd itself, and enough on't, too. This thing they call civ'lation is +right agin natur'. It makes poor young men and wim'in'. They hain't got no +stuff in 'em--they can't do anythin'--they are peepin' round, full of pain +of every sort--full of rheumatiz, agers, janders, and all sorter ails. I've +gone morn'er twenty miles a day, loaded with game, and not a tired hair in +me--can do it agin." And thus Venison preached, too much and too long for +me to record in full. + +Venison continued, and declared that "there was enough of everything just +as it was." He attempted to show that there were seeds of life deep in the +earth, planted there from the beginning, that came forth in due time, and +replenished the earth. He never "see'd any coke till they ploughed a +furrow, and built that ere rail fence"--"and down in that ere breakin' +(which I saw had been neglected, and was overgrown heavily), the +blackberries and ten thousand other things were comin' up." He said he +"would jest like to know where all that seed had been lyin' since the world +was made--how long it would have laid, he'd jest like ter know, if that ere +plough hadn't stirred up the sile." And thus he attempted to illustrate his +theory of vegetation. + +"Not only the trees, but the Injuns were goin'. 'Tain't as 'twas with 'em +when they went a-whoopin' around among the streams and woods. I've see'd +mor'n nor forty canoes sailing away here on this river at on'st--and then +we had raal Injuns--tall, six-foot fellers, with eyes like the eagle. But +they, too, are pinin' out like. The white man, and the white man's ways, +and the white man's drink, has taken all the tuck out on 'em. They know, +what are left on 'em, that they ain't raal Injuns any more. They don't +whoop any more. They hang about the towns a while, and get full of pizen, +and then slink away silently inter the forest again. Sometimes, when +huntin' season comes on, they fire up, and chase the game, but it is kinder +melancholy, after all--like a flame jest spirtin' out a minute from a +charr'd and half-burning log. There's old Sakoset (I've known him enymost +on to forty years), was jest as much of a king, and had jest as much of a +throne, as old George Third ever had. He lov'd his tribe, and they lov'd +him. His word was law. These were all his grounds for a hundred miles +round. I know it warn't mark'd off into counties, townships, and school +de-stricts. They didn't have any place to file away papers, nor didn't +write everythin' they did in books--but they had their laws jest as well, +all written down inter their heads; and they knew their history--they had, +what white men call their traditions--they knew all about their fathers +and grandfathers, and great-great-grandfathers--and old Sakoset was their +chief. He was six feet three inches by measure, and as straight as that +'ere hickory. He was knit all over as tight as an oak. He was as hansome as +a picter, and I've seen him in council, when I tho't he was the noblest +lookin' mortal on this airth. And there warn't no man, no gov'ment (Venison +grew excited here) that had as good a right to these 'ere grounds as +Sakoset. God gave 'em to him, and the white man stole 'em away, stole 'em, +sir!--stole 'em. Yes, sir! they passed a law that they should be removed +'yond the 'Sippi--gave 'em huntin' grounds, as they call 'em--drove 'em +together like scar'd sheep, and forc'd 'em away from their own sile. But +old Sakoset didn't like his new home, wouldn't stay, and he and a few of +his tribe straggled back here agin, and now wander round these woods. But +he ain't the same man any more; he's all broke down like; 'tain't the same +place to him, he says. The stream winds round the hill yet, and the +mountain is there, but the forest is mostly down, and the white man is +everywhere. Sakoset says but little; goes round dreamin'-like; hangs about +alone in the woods, a-thinkin', and sees in his mind his tribe all before +him as it was when he was king over them on these grounds. I saw him a few +days ago up in the Injun buryin'-ground sittin' so still, I first tho't he +was a monerment somebody had put up--but 'twas Sakoset." + +Venison was here attracted by the roar of a gun, and a deer rushed past, +breaking his discourse, and we both followed the hunter and the hunted, to +see how the chase would end--saw the deer plunge into the river, the dogs +after him, and I watched them until they floated away around the bend +beyond my sight. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + + Some Account of John Smith.--Nicknames.--Progress of the + Age.--The Colonel's Opinion of Science.--John Smith's + Dream.--Ike Turtle's Dream.--Ike takes the Boots. + + +Pioneers--men who grow up in the woods--are famous for luxuriant +imaginations. Everything, with them, is on a sweeping scale with the +natural objects amid which they dwell. The rivers, and lakes, and plains +are great, and seem to run riot--so men sometimes run riot too, in thought, +and word, and deed. They deal largely in the extravagant, and do +extravagant things in an extravagant way. + +I have seen a rusty pioneer, when giving his opinion upon some trite +matter, garnish his language with imagery and figures, and clothe himself +with an action, that Demosthenes would have copied, if he had met with such +in his day. Gestures all graceful, eye all fire, language rough, but +strong, and an enthusiasm that was magnetic--a kind of unpremeditated +natural eloquence, that many a one has sought for, but never found. + +John Smith was an ingenious Puddlefordian in the way of story-telling. He +was almost equal to Ike Turtle. John was a great, stalwart, double-breasted +fellow, who cared for nothing, not even himself; a compound made up of +dare-devil ferocity, benevolence, and impudence. His feelings, whether of +the higher or lower order, always ran to excess. He was an importation from +Massachusetts, of fair education, and, from his recklessness of life, had +drifted into Puddleford, like many other tempest-tossed vessels, stripped +of spars and rigging. Smith's fancy and imagination were always at work. He +had nicknamed two thirds of Puddleford, and there was something +characteristic in the appellations bestowed. One small-eyed man, he called +"Pink-Eye;" another, a bustling fellow, who made a very great noise on a +very small capital, was known as "Bumble-bee;" another, a long-shanked, +loose-jointed character, was "Giraffe;" Squire Longbow he christened "Old +Night-Shade." Turtle was known as "Sky-Rocket;" Bates as "Little Coke;" the +Colonel as "Puff-Ball." Indeed, not one man in twenty was recognized by his +true name, so completely had Smith invested the people with titles of his +own manufacture. + +I recollect one of Smith's flights of imagination--one among many--for I +cannot write out all his mental productions. + +The Puddlefordians were met, as usual, at Bulliphant's. That was the place, +we have seen, where all public opinion was created. Turtle, and Longbow, +and Bates, and the whole roll, even down to Jim Buzzard, were present. The +progress of the age was the subject. + +Turtle thought "there was no cac'latin' what things would come to--steam +and ingin-rubber were runnin' one etarnal race, and he guess'd they'd lay +all opposition to the land, and bring on the millennium." + +Bates said "the sciences were doin' sunthin', but _they'd_ never make +anybody better--human natur' was so shockin' wicked, that it would require +a heap mor'n injin-rubber to _rejuvify_ 'em." + +Mr. Longbow requested Bates "to repeat that 'ere last word agin." + +Bates said "it was '_rejuvify_'--that is, 'drag out,' 'resurrect.'" + +The Squire thanked Bates for his explanation. + +The Colonel said there was such a thing as too much science. He professed +to have lived a scientific life--that is, without work--but all the while +he found some one a little more scientific, and he had never been able to +hold his own anywhere. He had been stranded fourteen times in his life, +owing to a press of science brought against him; but the most destructive +science in the known world was that for the collection of debts. It +deprived men of their liberty, their comforts, their property, their +friends; and the manner in which this was all done was barbarous. He defied +any man to produce as cool-blooded a thing as an execution at law, which +was a branch of legal science. + +Squire Longbow said--"A _fiery facius_ (_fieri facias_) was one of the most +ancientest writs which he issued, and there warn't nothin' cool-blooded or +ramptious about it." + +Mr. Smith sat silently up to this point in the debate. "Boys," said he, at +last, "the world is goin' ahead. Talkin' of science, let me tell you a +dream I had last night." But, if the reader will permit me, I will give the +substance of Smith's dream in my own language. It may detract from its +point, but it will be more connected and intelligible. + +"I dreamed, boys," said Smith, "that I was in the great Patent Office, at +Washington. I looked, and its ceiling was raised to an enormous height, +while through open doors and passages I saw room after room groaning with +thousands of models, until it appeared as though I was in a wilderness of +machinery. Very soon a pert little gentleman, with a quick black eye, and a +'pussy' body, arrayed in the queerest costume I ever saw, came bustling up +to me, and asked me for my ticket. I involuntarily thrust my hand into the +depths of my breeches-pocket, and pulling out a card, delivered it to him. +After looking at the card, and then at me, and then at the card again, he +burst out into a loud guffaw, that made the old Patent-Office ring. 'Why, +sir,' said he, '_this_ is no ticket. It is the business card of one John +Smith, advertising a patent dog-churn, of which he here says he is the real +inventor, and it bears date in the year 1840--two hundred years ago! The +churn may be found in room marked "Inventions of Year 1840," but the man +John Smith we haven't got. I don't much think he is around above ground, +just at this time," said the little man, chuckling. 'But,' said I, 'who are +you, if I am not John Smith? Were you not appointed by Polk, Secretary of +the Interior, and did I not put a word in his ear favorable to you?' 'Polk, +a Secretary of the Interior!' exclaimed he; 'I appointed by Polk! Why, my +dear sir, I was appointed only two years ago--not two hundred!--"Chief of +the Great Central Department," as the office is now called.' + +"While we were talking, Franklin, Adams, Jefferson, and Fulton, walked in +and took seats. I knew Uncle Ben the moment I cast my eyes upon him. He was +dressed in good old '76 style;--shoe-buckles, short breeches, queue, and +all; and that same jolly, round face, and double chin, that tranquil +countenance just touched, without being destroyed, by comedy--were all +there. Adams and Jefferson I had before seen, and they were a little more +modern in dress, but they both looked care-worn. Fulton sat apart, and eyed +the other three as though he had seen them somewhere, but yet could not +call them by name. + +"The rather unexpected arrival of these gentlemen broke up the comments of +my bustling interrogator, and one of those pauses occurred which frequently +do upon the appearance of strangers. Uncle Ben asked Jefferson if he would +'not like to move up to the fire and warm his feet?' 'Fire!' said I, 'fire. +Why, Uncle Ben, there is no fireplace now-a-days. Stoves and hot-air +furnaces are all the go. This building is warmed by a great furnace, and +two miles of pipe that conducts the heat to every room in it.' 'Not by a +long way,' said my bustling friend--'not by a long way, Mr. John Smith. +This trumpery is all piled away among the inventions of the years that +were. These things belong to the age of your dog-churn. Why, gentlemen,' +continued he, 'have you never heard of the Great Southern Hot-Air Company, +chartered in 1960, whose business it is to furnish warm air from the South +to persons at the North; price to families three dollars a year; all done +by a gigantic underground tunnel, and branches, worked at the other end by +an air-pump! Have you never heard of _this_, gentlemen? Here we get the +natural heat of the South, warmed by the sun; none of your stinking coal +and wood gases to corrupt and destroy it. And then the principle of +reciprocity is kept up; for we send back our cold air in the same way; and +so we keep up an equilibrium, for the South are just as strenuous as ever +to keep up the equilibrium of the Union. Why, gentlemen, those stoves +required constant care. As often as every week it was necessary to +replenish them with wood or coal. No! no!--those improvements belonged to +the dark ages." + +"Bless me!" exclaimed Uncle Ben. "Impossible!" repeated Fulton. "And so you +don't use the old 'Franklin' stove any more?" said Uncle Ben. "Perhaps," he +continued, a quiet smile playing over his face, as if he intended a comical +shot, "perhaps you don't use lightning now-a-days either, and my +lightning-rods, of course, belong to the dark ages too!" + +"We have the lightning, and use it too, but only one rod, built by the +state, near its centre, which is so colossal and powerful that it protects +everything around it." And then the little fellow rattled on about the +_use_ of lightning; how it wrote all over the world the English language, +until I verily believe that Uncle Ben, Fulton, and all, set him down as the +most unscrupulous liar that they had ever met with. + +"I think," said Uncle Ben, "that I could convince myself of the truth of +your assertions, if I could go to Boston; but as my time is very limited, I +cannot." + +"Send you there in five minutes by the watch!" answered the little man; +"or, if that's too soon, in twenty-four hours. It requires powerful lungs +to go by balloon--time five minutes--departure every half hour. The +magnetic railway train will take you through in four hours, or on the +old-fashioned railroad in twenty-four." "What," said Uncle Ben, "is the old +stage company entirely broken up?" "Don't know what you mean by stages," +said the little man, "but I will look for the word in the big dictionary." +"Go by steamboat," said Fulton. "Steamboat!" repeated the little +man,--"steamboat! too everlasting slow--not over twenty-five miles an +hour--well enough for freight, but passengers cannot endure them; they go +laboring and splashing along at a snail's pace, and they are enough to wear +out any man's patience. Yet the steamboat was the greatest stride ever made +at any one time in the way of locomotion, and was very creditable to Fulton +and the age in which he lived." "That is admitting something," burst out +Fulton, who had sat like a statue, watching the little man's volubility. +"But," said Uncle Ben, "all this talk don't get me on my way to Boston. +That is my birthplace. I was there for the last time in 1763, and you know +that, according to the provisions of my will, there is more than four +million pounds sterling of my money which has by this time been disposed of +by the state somehow." Uncle Ben was always a shrewd fellow in the way of +dollars and cents, and I could see he was very anxious about that money. +"Oho! oho!" said the little man; "so you are Ben Franklin, and you are the +old gentleman who left that legacy. We've got a portrait of you up-stairs, +more than two hundred years old, and it _does_ look like you. Glad to see +you! You said something in your life-time about immersing yourself in a +cask of Madeira wine with a few friends, and coming to the world in a +hundred years again. These are your friends, I suppose?" "These gentlemen," +replied Uncle Ben, "are John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, signers of the +Declaration of Independence." "The other gentleman," continued I, "is +Robert Fulton, whom you have spoken of." "Well, I declare!" ejaculated the +little man, "this _is_ a meeting! But about that legacy, Uncle Ben, of +yours; two million sterling of it has gone to build the Gutta Percha +Magnetic Telegraph line, connecting Boston with London and Paris, two of +the largest cities in the Eastern Republic of Europe." "Gutta +Percha!--Magnetic telegraph!--_Republic_ of Europe!"--repeated all of them. +"All built under water, and sustained by buoys," continued the little man, +"and it works to a charm--plan up-stairs in room 204--and can be seen in a +moment; and, as I told you before, it writes the English language as fast +as my deputy." "Republic of Europe!" exclaimed Jefferson, again. "Yes, +sir," said the little man, "for more than a century. No more thrones; no +more rulers by divine right; no more governments sustained by powder and +ball; no lords nor nobles; man is _man_, not merely one of a _class_ of +men, but _individually_ man, with rights as perfect and powers as great as +any other man. The principles, Jefferson, of your Declaration, which you +did not create, but only asserted, have prostrated every arbitrary +government on the globe. Even the Jews, since their return to Jerusalem, +have organized a republican form of government, and have just elected Mr. +Noah President." "Well," thinks I to myself, "that can't be _Mordecia M._ +Noah, anyhow, for politics must have used up his constitution before this." +But the little man chattered away, and declared that Europe was divided +into two republics, the Eastern and Western; that Constantinople was the +capital of the Western; that Africa and Asia were also republican; until +the three signers of the Declaration, perfectly wrought up to a frenzy of +joy, rose up from their seats, took off their hats, and swinging them +round, gave "Three cheers for '76, and the old Army of the +Revolution!"--and I verily believe Uncle Ben forgot all about that money, +and about going to Boston, for he did not allude to it any more in my +presence. + +"Great changes these!" continued the little man, "from your days. But you +must not think, gentlemen, that we have forgotten you or your services, +while we have improved in wisdom and strength. Look here, gentlemen," and +he motioned us away, and, leading on, he conducted us to an observatory on +the top of the building. Such a prospect I never before beheld. Away, +around, on every side, stretched a mighty city, whose limits the eye could +not reach. Towers, temples, spires, and masts succeeded towers, temples, +spires, and masts, until they were lost in the distant haze. Canals +traversed every street, and boats of merchandise were loading and unloading +their freights. Steam-carriages were puffing along the roads that ran by +the canal, some filled with pleasure parties, and some laden with goods. +Turning my eye to an elevation, I saw fifty-six gigantic monuments, whose +peaks were nearly lost in the sky, ranged in a line, all alike in form and +sculpture. "These," said the little man, "were erected to the Signers of +the Declaration of Independence;" and, taking out his telescope, he handed +it to Uncle Ben, who read aloud among the inscriptions the names, FRANKLIN, +JEFFERSON, ADAMS. "But let us know what this city is called?" inquired +Jefferson. "This, sir, is called _Columbiana_; it lies on the west bank of +the Mississippi, population five millions, according to the last census." +"But what supports it?" "Supports it! The great East India trade. That +vessel down there is direct from Canton, by ship canal across the Isthmus. +All Europe is secondary to us now. No doubling capes, as was done in +_your_ day. Yonder stands the Capitol; and the whole North American +continent is annually represented there. The city of San Francisco alone +sends forty-four members. There," continued he, pointing his finger, "that +balloon rising slowly in the sky has just started for that place, and the +passengers will take their dinner there to-morrow." + +Jefferson asked the little man "whether the Federalists or Democrats were +in power?"--and I saw that Adams waked up when he heard the question. +"Don't know any such division," replied he. "The great measure of the day, +upon which parties are divided, is the purchase of the South American +continent at five hundred millions of dollars. I go for it; and before +another year the bargain will be consummated. We _must_ have more +territory--we haven't got half enough. Extent of territory gives a nation +dignity and importance. The old thirteen states of your day, gentlemen, +were a mere cabbage patch, and should have been consolidated into one +state. Ten or twenty days' sail ran you plump into a hostile port, and then +you had a demand for duty. Besides, conflicting interests always brew up +difficulties; and then come treaties, and finally war, and then debt, and +at last oppressive taxation. A nation should own all the territory that +joins it. The ocean is the only natural boundary for a people." Thinks I, +"You have been a politician in your day, and I'll just engage you to +correspond with a certain New York editor, who shall be nameless; you +strike off the doctrine boldly!" + +Uncle Ben told the little man, after he closed, that a nation might "get so +very ripe as to become a little rotten; and, if he had no objection, he +would present him with the 'Sayings of Poor Richard.'" And, suiting the +action to the word, he pushed his hand into his breeches-pocket, and pulled +out an old almanac, printed at Philadelphia in 1732, and, bowing, handed it +to him. The little man thanked him, and promised to deposit it in the +Museum, as a curious piece of antiquity. + +"Getting somewhat anxious for a smoke, I drew forth a cigar and +'loco-foco,' rubbed the latter across my boot, which flashed out its light +full in Uncle Ben's face. 'That is nice,' exclaimed he; 'rather an +improvement on the old string, wheel, and tinder plan.' 'Simple, too, isn't +it?' said I; 'and yet all the science of your day didn't detect it.' Just +then I gave a puff, which made Uncle Ben sneeze; and he broke out into a +tirade against tobacco that would read well. But I told him there was no +use; men had smoked and chewed the weed--would smoke and chew it, economy +or no economy, health or no health, filth or no filth; and that in all +probability the last remnant of the great American Republic, for succeeding +nations to gaze at, would be a plug of tobacco; for I sincerely believed +that tobacco would outlive the government itself. + +"The little man proposed returning into the Patent Office, and exhibiting +to us in detail the models of art there deposited. But I cannot weary you +with what I there saw. The fruits of every year, since the organization of +the department, were divided into rooms, and indicated on the door by an +inscription. There were thousands of improvements in every branch of +science, many of which were so simple, that I thought myself a fool that I +did not discover them long ago. Principles were applied, the very operation +of which I now recollected to have often seen, yet without a thought of +their practical utility. I came to the conclusion that accident was the +parent of more that I saw than design; 'for how,' reasoned I, 'is it +possible that these pieces of machinery could otherwise have escaped the +great men who have lived and died in ignorance of them?' + +"By this time we were quite fatigued, and Uncle Ben complained a little of +the 'stone,' which he said he was subject to. The little man gave him some +'Elixir of Life,' as he called it, being, as he said, 'an extract of the +nutritious portions of meats and vegetables, purged from their grossness as +found in their natural state;' and while we were sipping it, he launched +forth upon its great benefit to mankind; the money saved that used to be +expended in cookery and transportation--millions upon millions; the great +economy in time, formerly squandered in eating, &c., &c.; and he wound up +his eulogy by presenting each of us with a bottle, which I carefully put +away in my pocket. + +"Adams then rose up, and said he must leave, and Jefferson, Uncle Ben, and +Fulton followed. And in a moment Uncle Ben, Fulton, Adams, Jefferson, the +little man, the apartments, wheels, and machinery, began to rock, and +heave, and fade, and finally dissolve; and suddenly I awoke!" + +"You _did_ awake!" exclaimed the Colonel, drawing a breath all the way from +his boots; "I should have thought you would." + +Bates gave a yawn, and throwing his quid into the fire, called for a glass +of whiskey and water, saying he would "try to choke down the story with +_that_." + +Longbow sat perfectly magnetized--his arms folded across his breast, his +chin dropped, his legs resting on his boot-heels, and pushed out in front +of him, as though he was driving a hard-bitted horse, and his one eye +stared vacantly at the coals in the huge fireplace. He gave an unconscious +grunt when Smith concluded, but made no commentary. + +Turtle said "the dream was very remarkable for such a man as Smith; but he +guessed he _had_ it, and he was going to believe it, because it was upon +the word of a Puddlefordian. But he'd had one that beat it all +holler--s'prisin' dream--like them air visions that somebody unriddled +for--he couldn't recollect the name of the man now--no matter, the dream's +the same. + +"I got up one morning," said Ike, "and went down to my breakfast-table, but +there warn't one of my family present. I saw seated around it, however, a +strange company of folks, and dressed as no mortals ever were before, since +the flood, I _reckon_. There warn't nothin' that ever I seed before on any +on 'em. I took my place at the head of the board, and attempted to do the +carvin'; but there warn't nobody that understood my meanin'. Pork warn't +pork any more; and when I tried to pass pork, I found that it had a +kind-er' fancy name, which I have now forgot. + +"One great goggle-eyed fellow, who sat at my right hand, informed a lady +near him 'that he'd got-ter go over to Agoria before dinner, and get his +sun-dial fixed; but his wings were down at the shop being fixed, and he +couldn't start this hour yet." + +"'Agoria! Where's that?' asked I. + +"'Don't know where Agoria is--ha, ha! On the River Amazon, a trip of a +couple of thousand of miles.' And so he took out a little eye-glass, and +looked at me for a long time, and, putting it back in his pocket, said 'he +thought I was a North Pole-ander, or a ghost; he didn't know which. + +"'Dear me! you _will_ be keerful, now won't you?' said the lady. Two +hundred collisions in the air last night, among the winged men; almost as +many the night afore--awful!' + +"The goggle-eyed man said he would. + +"'Did you hear President Jones lecter last night,' said a spectacled +critter, at the upper end of the table, sticking his fore-finger out to me. + +"'No, sir-_ee_!' I hollered back to him, as I was some little frustrated by +this time. + +"'He showed,' said the man, 'that one Tom Jefferson prob'bly _did_ write +the Declaration of Independence that the ancients made.' + +"'You don't say so, though, do you?' said I. 'You're a bright set of chaps +the whole on you, President Jones and all.' + +"There was a mighty deal said about the Persian war with America; what +somebody said who came from Africa last night--what this man and that man +done in Congress; but getting out of patience at last, I jumped up, and +left the whole on 'em; and as I passed out of the room, told 'em 'they +might all go to grass.' + +"As I left the house, I saw an almanac hanging on the wall for the year +2564. The first thought, when I saw this, was, '_Where, in the name of +Andrew Jackson, is Puddleford now?_' + +"But what was my surprise, when I got inter the street, which was all laid +with slabs of granite, and lined with palaces, to find Squire Longbow +walking along with his wings folded on his back, looking as nat'ral as the +old fogy himself. + +"'Squire,' said I, 'here's _to_ you!' + +"The Squire said 'he hadn't the honor of my 'quaintance.' + +"'O, you old scoundrel!' said I, 'you can't come that--'" + +"That's false!" exclaimed Longbow; "I didn't have no such talk." + +"It was _only_ a _dream_--you forget," answered Ike. + +"Exactly," replied the Squire, relapsing into his former mood. + +"'You can't come that, old man,' I repeated; 'I could tell you in the +streets of Jerusalem in the night; what are you about, old feller? You look +fat and pussy.' + +"The Squire said 'he was Judge of the Continental Supreme Court.' + +"'So I should think,' said I; 'I just left a dozen asses at my breakfast +table, and you're just the man for all the world to be their judge.' + +"That's a contempt!" exclaimed the Squire, jumping from his chair. + +"Nothin' but a dream, and they allers go by contraries," answered Ike. + +"So they do,' said the Squire, calmly, sitting down again. + +"Where's Bates, and the Colonel, and Bulliphant, and the other +Puddlefordians?' inquired I. + +"'Bates,' said the Squire, 'burst a blood-vessel several hundred years ago, +running down a southern kidnapper, and died quick-ern a flash. He didn't +leave nothing scasely for his family, 'cause he spent all his time on +public affairs. The Colonel left the country with the sheriff at his heels; +and he rather thought he was somewhere about the streets now, as he saw a +feller t'other day 'fore the court, for debt, that looked jest like him. +Bulliphant went off in spontaneous combustion--in a kind of blue fire, and +the old woman fretted herself out, a couple of years arter; but,' said the +Squire, 'I can't be detained. Story's waitin' for me on the bench, and we +decide the title to a million of acres of land, at ten this morning.' + +"This _woke me_. _Story_ and the _decision_ by _Longbow_, knocked my dream +out-er sight." + +Bates pulled off his boots, and handing them to Ike, informed him that they +were his, by the custom of Puddlefordians, and the meeting adjourned. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + + Ike Turtle in his Office.--The Author consults him on Point + of Law.--Taxes of Non-Residents.--Law in Puddleford.--Mr. + Bridget's Case.--Legal Discussion.--The Case settled. + + +We very often get an idea of a community by fathoming its leading men. We +stick our stakes at that point, and reason, by comparison, downward; not +that prominent individuals make the community, any more than the community +makes them; but both act and react upon each other, until a standard is +formed--and that standard is just high enough for the occasion--the +necessities of the present. Water never rises above its level. + +You have, respected reader, already seen much--perhaps too much--of Ike +Turtle. You must recollect, however, as I have before declared, that he was +an embodiment of the spirit of his time. He was the presiding genius of +Puddleford, and had been as much moulded by it as he had moulded +Puddleford. + +Turtle, as we have seen, was a host in law--that is, he was a host in +Puddleford law. He was just as useful and mighty in his sphere as Webster +ever was in his. It must in candor be admitted that there was a difference +in spheres; but that in no way affects the principle--and principle is what +we are contending for. + +I have thus far exhibited to you Turtle under excitement, as an advocate in +the case of Filkins _vs._ Beadle, defending his country against what he +called an "abolition lecter," struggling in the cause of education; but we +cannot always probe a great man to the bottom, and disinter the latent +jewels of mind, unless we know and observe him unruffled by passion, and +unswayed by feeling. The line and lead must be cast into still waters to +sound the depths of the ocean. + +I had occasion to consult Turtle on a point of law. The question was, +whether a certain woman who claimed dower in my land could probably show a +state of facts that would legally entitle her to recover. + +Mr. Turtle's office was in one of the upper rooms of a tumble-down tailor's +shop in the village. Outside his sign swung to and fro: "I. Turtle, 'Torney +in all Courts." Inside, it was garnished with three chairs without backs, a +pine table, whittled into pieces by the loungers, a number of loose papers +lying in an old flour-barrel, an ink-bottle with a yellow string around its +nose, a copy of the statutes, a stub of a pen, volume two of Blackstone, +and no law-book beside, all of which were enveloped in dirt and cobwebs. +Mr. Turtle himself, when I entered, sat in one chair, his two feet +stretched wide apart, each in another, like the two extremities of a letter +A; and Ike himself was very philosophically smoking a pipe, and blowing the +whiffs out of the window. + +"Is this Mr. Turtle's office?" inquired I. + +"I should _ray_ther think it was," answered Ike, drawing out his pipe, and +pointing to a chair. + +"I have a little business," said I. + +"Most people _do_ have," said he. "I'm chuck full on't myself." + +"Suppose," said I, "a man dies, and leaves a widow, and that widow should +claim--" + +"Hold on, right there!" exclaimed Ike, laying down his pipe. "Hold on, old +_fel_low; this s'posin' don't do in this 'ere office. I never gives +opinions on fancy cases. Time's little too precious. I want the raal facts +on the matter, jest as they happened; and, besides, Mr. ----, fust thing I +know I shall give an opinion right butt agin one of my clients--(I have +reg'lar clients, you see, that I've got ter stand up for, if it busts +me),--and this wheelin' round and taking a back track spiles one's +reputation, and tears his conscience, awful to behold!" + +"Well," I continued, "as I was goin' to say--" + +"No, sir-ee! you _ain't_ goin' to say. _Who_ died? _who's_ the widow? Them +are the startin' pints in a new country." + +"But," continued I, "that will not affect the principle." + +"Won't it, though?" answered Ike. "What are principles to folks in a new +country? What are residents to non-residents? Why, you take a resident +widow, a little good-lookin', and she can hold all the land she claims agin +a non-resident. Juries have feelin's, and are human like other people." + +"O, I see!" said I. + +"Jest so," said he. + +"Well, then," I continued, "the widow is a resident of Puddleford, and so +am I; and the widow claims a life interest in one third of my land." + +Ike pondered, and rubbed his head, and looked for a long time steadily at +the toes of his boots. At last a thought struck him. + +"Has she any children?" inquired he. + +"She has." + +"Young?" + +"Twelve and fourteen." + +"Bad age for you," said Ike; "worse than two positive witnesses swearin' +straight inter yer favor." + +"But what have children to do with a principle of law?" I exclaimed, +somewhat animated. + +"_You're_ green," exclaimed Ike; "you'll sprout if you get catched in a +shower. What has law got ter do with a widder and two children out here? +Don't you know the widder and the two children will be put right straight +to the jury, and that they'll swamp you and your case, and all the la' you +can bring agin 'em?" + +"Very likely," said I; "but is Puddleford law all made for widows, babies, +and residents?" inquired I. + +"You see," continued Ike; "you hain't lived long here. A new country is a +kind of self-sustainin' machine. We've all got-ter go in for ourselves. +When folks take the brunt of settlin' wild land, somebody's got-ter and +ought-ter suffer. Non-residents have ter pay all taxes. They have to pay +onto the value, and onto our takin' care of their lands. We can't afford to +scare off the animals and bring their property into market for nothin'. +Why, old Sykes, who lives away down to the east'ard, pays half the taxes of +Puddleford, and don't own more than four sections of land. The 'sessors +kind-er look at the spirit of the law when they lay taxes, and the spirit +of our tax-law stretches 'cordin' to circumstances. India-rubber ain't +nothin' to it. Jest so in la' matters. The la' is favorable to +Puddlefordians; our courts lean that way--it's kind-er second nater to +'em--a kind-er law of self-preservation--primary law of natur', you know--a +duty; and therefore I was particular to know who the _person_ was who +claimed your land." + +"Mine's a case," said I, after Ike concluded his digression, "of Puddleford +against Puddleford." + +"Puddleford against itself, both residents--a woman and two children +against a man?" + +"That's the case," said I. + +"Well!" said Ike. + +"The widow claims a life interest, and yet she signed the deed with her +husband." + +"_Did_ sign it?" inquired Ike again. "What is she growlin' about, then?" + +"She claims she was deranged." + +"And didn't know nothin', ha?" + +"And she says she can prove it." + +"That is, Sile Bates can for her, I s'pose." + +Squire Longbow dropped in at this point of the conversation. Ike arose, +walked several times swiftly across the floor, turning each time with a +jerk, and finally wheeling up in front of me, said his fee for opinions was +one dollar. + +The fee was paid. + +"Now," exclaimed Ike, pushing his fee in his vest pocket, "who's the +woman?" + +"Old Mrs. Bridget," said I. + +"There are just half a dozen defences," exclaimed Ike; "and each one will +blow the case sky-high. Nobody can't set up insanity in a new country, +because there ain't nothin' here to make anybody insane; and if there was, +our judges and juries think a leetle too much of themselves, thick as the +bushes are, to 'low a Puddlefordian to prove herself a fool in open court. +There is a pride that won't permit it. Yes, _sir_!" Here Ike slapped the +table hard by way of emphasis. "Ain't that la', Squire Longbow?" continued +Ike, turning round to the Squire, who was almost magnetized by intense +thought. + +The Squire gave two or three ahems to clear his throat, and his voice +seemed a long time on its way. "That," said the Squire, "is just what the +'mortal Story said; he never would permit a man to make a fool of himself; +he went agin all such kind-er things. The 'mortal Story said, if a man +don't know nothin', he oughten-ter say nothin', or do nothin'. He very +specially said it warn't a safe rule to let crazy folks rip up things, +'cause how do we know, or anybody know, but they are jist as crazy when +they rip 'em up, and then they'll have to be ripped over agin; that's the +'thority, sir--page--let me see--but no matter 'bout pages--" + +"And, secondly," continued Ike, breaking into the Squire, "it's a rule of +law that everybody's stopped by their deed; and if the woman knowed enough +to sign and seal it, that 'ere seal is an everlasting and eternal bar to +provin' anything agin it. _That'll_ stop a crazy woman; that's laid down in +all the books since King Richard got possession of England, and the +staterts are full on it, too." + +The Squire said "that looked reasonable. How do we know that Andrew Jackson +warn't crazy when he signed off the patents for Puddleford. That's an open +question yet. And if it warn't for the broad seal--if it warn't for that +'ere spread eagle--some whig President (and the whigs allers did say 'Old +Hickory' was crazy) would set it all aside, and throw all the land titles +into hotch-potch, kick me out-er house and home, and ruin all Puddleford!" + +"Certainly," said I. + +"And agin," said Ike, "the woman _warn't_ crazy; _I_ can prove that." + +"That will _do_," said I. "How?" + +"When was the deed executed?" + +I stated. + +"That's jest the time," said Ike, "that old covy, her brother-in-law, used +her as a witness to recover his farm." + +The Squire said that "the woman was under _oath_ then, and she might tell +the truth, if she _was_ a little shattered." + +"Th-u-n-der!" exclaimed Ike. + +"Witnesses are _sworn_ to tell the truth," said the Squire. + +The Squire was evidently getting quizzical. Mr. Turtle begged "he would not +interrupt him agin. The case was one of great importance, and it required a +power of thought and research to look inter it. + +"And now," continued Ike, "there are three more p'ints of la' in your case. +You've got the fee of this 'ere land--that is, you've got a deed, and got +inter possession; that makes a fee. And as to that, the deed don't matter +so much; possession out here is jest as good. I never see a sheriff who +could get a man off. 'Tain't pop'lar--won't pay--it costs votes--men don't +vote for officers who push 'em; possession is _more'n_ nine p'ints of the +la' in Puddleford; it's ninety-nine--it's 'most as good as a patent." + +"But that would be a resistance of process, if the widow succeeded," said +I. + +"There won't be nothin' to resist," answered Ike. "_You'll_ never feel the +process; it will always be defective--there'll be a flaw in it somewhere. +Settlers on the sile must be protected." + +"That," chimed in the Squire, "_is_ la'. That was settled in the +constitution. There was blood shed for that." + +"But there ain't no use," continued Ike, "in goin' into particulars, and +puttin' down every p'int of la'. I can scatter a thousand such cases to the +four winds--have done it--can do it agin. Give me Kent and the staterts, +and I'll cut my way to daylight in no time." + +If there is any one who believes that such an opinion was not given for one +dollar, or that hundreds have not been given in the very far West just as +absurd, let them inquire further of those persons who have experienced a +frontier life. Yet, Mr. Turtle lives and flourishes, gains reputation, and +will die as much respected and lamented as any one. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + + The Wilderness around Puddleford.--The Rivers and the + Forests--Suggestions of Old Times.--Footprints of the + Jesuits.--Vine-covered Mounds.--Visit to the Forest.--The + Early Frost.--The Forest Clock.--The Woodland Harvest.--The + Last Flowers.--Nature sowing her Seed.--The Squirrel in the + Hickory.--Pigeons, their Ways and their Haunts.--The + Butterflies and the Bullfrog.--Nature and her Sermons.--Her + Temple still open, but the High-priest gone. + + +Puddleford was a mere spot in the wilderness. Its region abounded with +patches of improved land, and patches partly improved, and fields of stumps +that the pioneer had just passed over with his axe. The great sweep of land +around it, however, was a wilderness--not a thicket--not a dense mass of +timber, nor a swamp--but a rolling plain of upland prairie, and +heavily-wooded flats along the rivers; and it extended no one knew where, +and was covered with lakes and rivers that shone, and roared, and babbled, +day and night, through the great solitude. The surface of the upland was as +smooth and shaven as an English park. No undergrowth obstructed the eye, +and the outline of a deer might be discerned two miles distant. Trees upon +the distant ground-swells, amid their quivering shadows, appeared to be +riding upon waves. In this gigantic park, which overreached degrees of +longitude, flowers of every form and hue budded, blossomed, faded, and +died, from May until November. The prairies were so many blooming seas; and +when the soft south-west stirred up their depths, they shed a gorgeous +light, as if they were breathing out rainbow colors. + +The rivers that watered this waste were large, and flowed from still deeper +solitudes towards the great lakes. The sun, as ancient as they, rose and +set upon them now as it did centuries ago. The forests upon their banks +sprang up, flourished, waxed old, and died; and still the river ran, and +new forests rose upon the ruins of the old, and the glory of the new stood +implanted in the grave of the old. The bison, moose, and bear drank from +the sources of these rivers, driven upward by the noise of civilization. +But they had an interest to me beyond all this: they were the inlets to +Christian missionaries more than a century ago. It was up these streams +that the French Jesuit,[C] with his eye aloft, and the cross erect, paddled +his solitary canoe among the aborigines. Here he built his camp-fire +beneath the stars, and told his rosary in the awful presence of his +God--how awful, indeed, in such a spot, at such a time! We can almost see +the venerable man, and hear the dip of his oar; the water-fowl scream, +scared, and dive along before him, and the Indian stands upon the bank in +his presence, like a monument in wonder. + +The footprints of the Jesuits are still found upon the bluffs of these +rivers. Mounds, which were thrown by them into square and circular forms, +now roofless and silent, and matted all over with vines, still bear +witness to their devotion. Yet how little is thought of them now! Because +the Jesuits did not till the earth, and sow, and reap, and swell the +commerce of the world: but didn't they sow? They sowed the seeds of +everlasting life among the simple children of the forest; and _they_ have +sown from age to age since, and many an Indian still offers the prayer +which was taught his forefathers so long ago. + +Such, reader, were the woods around Puddleford, and such the associations. +I was in the habit of going down into their depths, and scraping +acquaintance with the inhabitants. It was a relief to me. I sometimes even +went so far as to set myself up as a sportsman. I made a special visit, +just after the first frost, for the purpose of spying out the game. The +morning was still and bright, and the dash of a distant rivulet, which I +could step across, filled the "long drawn aisles" with its echoes. I had +been down often during the summer, but every object looked strangely +different now. The first frost had given Nature a shock--a kind of palsy; +she looked serene, almost sad. Its inmates had gadded about during the +summer in a very reckless way; they looked more sober after the first +frost--more thoughtful--more anxious about something. + +It was late in September, and yet "the storms of the wild Equinox, with all +its wet," had not come. It was due and over-due. Amid the more hardy +foliage the first frost had drawn his brush in the most delicate way +possible--a mere tinge, and no more--a kind of autumnal hint. There was one +limb of an oak just changing, and the balance of the tree stood up as +bravely and defiant as ever; the soft maple was completely dipped--it +blazed; the aspen trembled and glowed; the hickory was only touched, and +still hesitated about her full suit of yellow; while the dog-wood and spice +bush had entirely given up the ghost. + +It was just after the first frost, so I went down to the banks of the +rivulet that had so long been singing its woodland psalm. It came from away +off somewhere, and strayed, and dove over precipices, and spread into +miniature lakes; but, where I stood, it tumbled through a gorge with green, +sloping banks. As I gazed, the sun waxed higher and warmer. Day wore its +way up the gorge, and literally struck a sisterhood of frosted sumachs, and +they turned blood-red; I thought I saw them shift their summer dress. + +Near by, a vine circled a tree, and swung out from its top. I had noticed +it many times before during the season. It was then hung with large-mouthed +flowers, which opened with the morning. Was it a summer chime of bells that +tolled the sunlight into the temple?--the forest clock, that opened and +shut the hours? The bells were broken now; the first frost had cracked +them. I saw a bird, dressed in blue, run up the vine, and hitch along in a +very deliberate way, and peer into this bell and into that, as if he +wondered why they did not spread; but this might have been an odd fancy of +mine. + +The first frost seemed to have passed through the tree-tops that rolled +over the gorge in a hurry. The prominent points of the foliage were tufted +with russet, but its hollows and dells were as green as ever. + +The woodland harvest was nigh--the Creator's own harvest, sown and reaped +without the aid of man. The pawpaw began to shed its fruit; mandrakes stood +up all over the forest, like umbrellas loaded with apples of gold; the +wild cucumber was bending under its own weight; the bark of the hickory and +beech nut was broken, and the fruit peeped out; acorns were loosening in +their cups; the grape was purple and fragrant, and ready to gush with +richness; and away down below me I noticed a crabbed, sour-looking plum +tree, holding on to the hill-side with all its energy, and covered with its +rosy-cheeked children. + +A few flowers yet lingered on the upland, breathing their last. The pink, +violet, lupine, and a thousand nameless ones, had shed and buried their +seeds long before; but the flaming, cardinal-fringed gentian, the yellow +moccasin, and troops of lilies, still crowded the swales and watercourses, +braving out the first frost. Insects were singing a melancholy dirge around +me; a bee droned past in great haste, with a consequential hum; the year +was passing and dying, like a vibration over the earth. + +The air was filled with winged seeds, sailing away off here and away off +there, and going I do not know where. The wild cotton burst its pod, and +furred out at a great rate; a large company of thistle balloons rolled up +lazily into the sky, and went out of sight (to the stars, probably), +directed by some invisible hand to the place of their destination. Birds +were picking and carrying clusters of grapes and s'coke far and wide. How +beautifully Nature sows her solemn wastes! The winds and the birds are her +husbandmen, and the work goes on with a song. + +There was a bustle in a hickory--a black squirrel was flirting about, and +making an examination of the crop. He had come early into the +harvest-field. He ran up and down the branches, nipped the nuts, jumped +upon his haunches, thought a while, chattered to himself, and said--or I +thought he said--"Little too soon"--"Little too soon"--"Come again"--"Come +again." At a distance, a male partridge, with his tail curved like a fan, +and his feathers erect, was blustering and strutting around with great +pomp, as consequential as a Broadway fop--a rabbit, crouched in a heap, sat +off timidly under an upturned root, eating a pawpaw--a lonely snipe came +tetering up the rivulet--a robin lit upon a scoke-bush, picked a berry or +two, whistled, took a kind of last look, and departed; a little bird, as +rich as sunset, next startled me with a stream of fire, which he wove +through the green foliage, as if he were tying it up with a blazing cord; a +sanctimonious crow floated in circles in the air, and screamed very +savagely to things below him, like a preacher in a passion; and I heard +turkeys clucking and calling to each other in every direction. + +Suddenly, a flock of pigeons broke the few bars of light that were +struggling down, and wheeled to a dry limb, at a respectful distance; they +ranged themselves in rows like platoons of soldiers, and bowed forwards and +sideways, in a very polite, diplomatic way. A few words passed between +them--(pigeons don't talk much)--exchanging, no doubt, opinions of me and +my whereabouts. By and by, one spread his wings and fluttered to the +ground, and began feeding--then another, and another, until the whole flock +descended, except three sentinels, who remained posted to watch and guard. +I knew them well. There was a "roost" in a tamarack swamp, some miles +distant. Not long before, I had visited their noisy metropolis. It was at +the close of day, and its evergreen canopy was half-dipped in light. I +recollected what hosts came thronging in, on all sides, roaring like a +tempest, and how they piled themselves upon the top of each other upon the +boughs like swarming bees--and how all night the trees bent and cracked +with the crowded population, who seemed continually treading upon each +other's toes, and tumbling each other's beds--and how, when the day dawned, +they all dissolved, and winged their way to the plains, and the troubled +city was as silent as fallen Babylon. + +I like the pigeon. He has a business-way, and a way of minding his own +business. He is always doing something. Who ever saw a pigeon trifle or +frolic, or put on airs? He is the clipper of the skies' air-line. Eight +hundred miles a day, few stoppages, and no bursting of boilers. He is a +practical bird--no such dreamy, twilight sort of a thing as the +whippoorwill, who is forever complaining about nothing, like a miserable +rhymester--whir--whir--whir. "Ah! you are going. Pay my respects to the +alligators among the rice swamps of Florida," said I, "when you see them +next winter." + +The pigeons were started by the bay of hounds. By their voice, the hounds +had probably been on the chase during most of the night--(it was a weary +voice and almost painful)--and I soon discovered that they were +approaching. Soon a drove of deer, led forward by a noble buck, carrying +antlers like tree-branches, came crashing by, leaped the ravine, and were +soon followed by their pursuers, and I watched them afar over the plain +until they were lost. I knew the dogs. They belonged to Venison Styles. But +where was Venison? I could see the old hunter, in my imagination, standing +away off on some "run-way," listening to the strife around him, and +watching for his victims. + +Perhaps you know, and perhaps you _don't_ know, reader, that deer, at +certain seasons of the year, have "run-ways"--that they have great +_high_ways--thoroughfares that follow mountains, thread morasses, cross +lakes and streams, up and down which they travel. I cannot say who first +laid them out. It may be they can tell. If I ever find out, I will let you +know. + +I was next overhauled by a fleet of white butterflies, who came winding +down the brook in a very loitering sort of a way. They anchored in front of +me, near the water's edge, and amused themselves by opening and shutting +their huge sails--huge for butterflies. Their wings were all bedropped with +gold, and powdered with silver dust. Then another fleet, arrayed in +chocolate velvet, came up the stream. They were large and showy. _Their_ +chocolate wings were ribbed with lines of blue and green; and a few plain, +yellow plebeians followed on after, train-bearers, probably, to their +lordly superiors. What brush touched those rich and delicate wings? What +alchemist wrought those magical colors? Who put on those gorgeous uniforms? +Were they equipped for the beauty and glory of the world, or their own? For +what purpose was this winged mystery sent upon the earth? Just here a large +frog, who had been sitting on a stone near the water, wrapped up to his +eyes in his green surtout, looking as taciturn and gloomy as the Pope, went +down with a "jug-a-ro," and spoiled my reflections. + +It was just after the first frost, and the wasps were hard at work, +preparing, or repairing their mansions for winter. The mason-wasp, as he is +called, was digging up the mud, which he carried to a hollow log, where he +lived. He was "plastering up a little." The "paper-wasp" was gathering wild +cotton and flax, and manufacturing it, for his palace that hung, half +furnished, swinging in a tree like a top. Strange that man should have so +long remained without the secret of making paper--when the wasp had made +and hung it up high before his eyes, for so many thousand years! + +Thus, reader, the great wilderness was alive--and away down the chain of +animated being, beyond the reach of the eye or ear, there was life--busy +life--all links in a great chain held and electrified by the hand of the +Almighty. + +What sermons there were all around me--Nature preaching through her works! +What cathedral like this, with its living pillars--its dome of sun, and +moon, and stars? Morn swings back its portals with light and song, and +evening gently closes them again amid her deepening shadows--and the +worship and work goes on like the swell of an anthem; but the great +high-priest that worshipped at its altars, and burnt incense to the spirit +that pervades this solitude, where is he? Where are his fires now? The +temple still stands, and the anthem is still heard, but the worshippers are +gone "Lo! the poor Indian." + +FOOTNOTES: + +[C] Father Hennepin and others. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX. + + The Old New England Home.--The Sheltered Village.--The + Ancient Buildings.--Dormer Windows.--An Old Puritanical + Home.--The Old Puritan Church.--The Burying-Ground.--Deacon + Smith, his Habits and his Helpers.--Major Simeon Giles, his + Mansion and his Ancestry.--Old Doctor Styles.--Crapo + Jackson, the Sexton.--"Training Days."--Militia + Dignitaries.--Major Boles.--Major General + Peabody.--Preparations and Achievements.--Demolition of an + Apple Cart.--"Shoulder Arms!"--Colonel Asher Peabody.--The + Boys, and their World.--My Last Look at my Native Village. + + +Reader, there are mental pictures in the wilderness, as vivid as any in +nature. They are the pictures of the past. They haunt the pioneer by day +and by night. They go with him over the fields--sit down with him by the +streams--linger around his evening hearth, and rise up in his dreams. + +I was born in New England. The village was very old, and had received and +discharged generations of men. Some two centuries ago, a troop of +iron-sided old pilgrims, full of theology and man's rights, an offshoot of +a larger body, with their pastor at their head, founded the place, and gave +it tone and direction. + +This village is very beautiful now. It stands sheltered between two +mountains that cast their morning and evening shadows over it. A long +stretch of meadow land lies between, through which a river, fringed with +willows, lazily lingers and twists in elbows and half circles. The +mountains sometimes look down very grim at the valley, and in places have +advanced almost across it. There are a great many profiles detected by the +imagination in their outline. Cotton Mather's face has been discovered in +one huge rock--and the old fellow's head seems to withstand the storms of +nature about as successfully as it did the storms of life. The "Devil's +Pulpit"--a group of splintered shafts of Gothic appearance--is near by, and +superstitious persons used to think that during every thunder-storm his +majesty entered it, arrayed in garments of fire, and gave the Puritan a +sound lecture. + +There are all kinds of buildings in this village. These buildings mark the +age in which they were erected, and are the real monuments of their +founders. They are as they were. They have not been marred or profaned by +modern notions. Some are very eccentric piles, hoary with age, full of +angles and sharp corners; and some are painfully plain and severe. They all +have a face, a cast of countenance, an expression--they almost talk the +English of a hundred and fifty years ago. The row of dormer windows on the +roof are to me great eyes that frown down upon the frivolity and +thoughtlessness of the present--and those eyes are full of theology and +civil rights. They look as though they were watching a Quaker, or reading +the Stamp Act. The very souls of their architects are transferred to them. +I never enter one, even in these fearless times, without feeling nervous +and sober, half expecting to run afoul of its original proprietor, with +some interrogatory about my business, and the wickedness of his +descendants. + +There used to stand--there is still standing--one of these queer piles upon +a bluff overlooking the river. It was built of stone, and is very much +moss-grown. It fairly looks daggers at the ambitious little structures that +have sprouted up by its side. It is a heap of Puritanical thoughts--visible +thoughts--all hardened into wood and rock. There it has stood, frowning and +frowning, for a century and a half. It is full of great massive timbers and +stones, and is as stout as the heart of its founder. A weather-cock is +attached to one of the chimneys--a sheet-iron angel, lying on his breast, +and blowing a trumpet, and the wind shifts him round and round over +different parts of the village. This angel has blown away thousands of men; +but there he lies, his cheeks puffed, blowing yet, as fresh and healthy as +ever. + +The internal arrangement of this building is characteristic. A dark, gloomy +hall--an enormous fireplace, extending across the whole end of a room--a +quaint pair of andirons, which run up very high and prim, and turn back +like a hook, with a dog's head growling on each tip. There are strange +pictures on the walls, which have been preserved in memory of the +past--Moses leading the Children of Israel through the Wilderness--Samson +slaying the Lion--David cutting off the head of Goliath--stern shadows of +the men who used to study them--not very remarkable works of art, but vivid +outlines of the scenes themselves. + +This house has been occupied by an illustrious line of men, distinguished +as divines, lawyers, and reformers; and it seems to glow with the fires +they kindled in it--in fact, I believe it is inhabited by them yet. I +believe that Parson ----, who lived under its roof for more than half a +century, and preached during that time in the church near by, occasionally +mounts his low-crowned, broad-brimmed hat, round-cornered coat, short +breeches, knee-buckles, and heavy shoes, ties on his white neckcloth, and +takes his cane, and, in a spiritual way, wanders back to his mansion, sits +down again before the capacious fireplace, and meditates an hour or two as +he used to do in life. He is one of those who keep the house company and +give to it its sober air of determination and defiance. + +The old Puritan church stands near by. Time has thrown a mantle of moss +over it. When erected, it was shingled from foundation to steeple--and a +quaint little pepper-box steeple it was. Square, high, solemn-looking pews +may be yet seen inside. The pulpit is perched away up under the eaves, like +a swallow's nest. It is reached by a flight of steps almost as long as +Jacob's ladder. It is covered with names, inscriptions written by men and +women who were dust long ago. It looks like the place where "Old Hundred" +was born, lived, and died--sombre, earnest, immovable. + +A burying-ground, ancient as the church, closes in on its three sides, and +partly encircles it in its arms. There is preaching there yet. The dust of +the living and dead congregations are one: + + "Part of the host have crossed the flood, + And part are crossing now." + +Rough tombstones--mere ragged slugs, torn from some quarry--rounded and +smoothed a little by a pious hand--stand half buried in the earth, pointing +to the silent sleeper below. And then there are marble slabs, of a more +modern date--yet very old--leaning this way and that, and nodding at each +other. Preachers and congregations lie side by side, and it is one eternal +Sabbath now. There are quaint pictures, and holy pictures, and horrible +pictures chiselled out on these slabs. Skeleton Death, triumphantly +marching with his scythe! Skulls, angels--and occasionally a figure that +looks like his Satanic Majesty! Epitaphs full of theology, wit, and +practical wisdom, are strewn around with an unsparing hand. + +There are a few genuine specimens of the Puritan stock lingering in this +village--great boulders that lie around in society, like granite blocks on +the earth, dropped by Time in his flight, and overlooked or forgotten. +Deacon Smith is one of them. He and his father, and his father's father, +were born and lived in the house he now occupies. He has almost reached +fourscore and ten years. He wears the costume of 'seventy-six, inside and +out. His habits are as uniform and regular as the swing of the pendulum. He +retires at nine, rises at four, breakfasts at six, and dines at twelve; and +this is done to a fraction--no allowance is made for circumstances--what +are circumstances in the way of one of his rules? He marches to bed at the +time, and would, if he left the President of the Republic behind him--he +sits down to his table at the time, whether there is a dish on it or not. +Law is law with him. + +The Deacon hates royalty and the British--he never overlooked the blood +they shed in the Revolution. He seldom speaks to an Englishman. He hates +interlopers, innovations, modern improvements; and I recollect well how he +poured out his vials of wrath upon the first buggy wagon that he saw. He +said it was a "very nice thing to sleep in." He left the church for some +months when stoves were first put up, and declared that it was "as great a +sacrilege as was ever committed, and enough to overthrow the piety of a +saint. Religion would keep a man warm anywhere." He says he "thinks the +Puritan blood is running down into slops! folks are rushing headlong to +perdition! that there hasn't been a man in the village for twenty years who +ought to be intrusted with himself"--and it seems to him that the world is +winding up business. + +When the Deacon rises, he goes around his house, hawking, spitting, +slamming doors, tumbling down wood, just to cast a slur on the lazy habits +of modern days. Sometimes he tramps up and down the village, two hours +before day, a-hemming, hawing, and sneezing, for the purpose of letting the +sluggards understand he is stirring. He has been known, on more than one +occasion, to give vent to his feelings, at this early hour, by blowing the +family dinner-horn, and declaring, as the blast echoed away, "that no +Christian man could sleep, after such a call." + +The Deacon has a few helpers about him, who think as he thinks--but they +are very few. When they meet, the world takes a most inhuman raking--they +spare neither "age, sex, nor condition." + +But the leading business men of the village are of a different stamp--not +Puritans, but Puritanical--the same rock with the corners knocked off--of +less strength, but more polish. They reverence their fathers, keep the +religious and political altar they have raised burning, but are not so +regardless of temporal comforts; in a word, they are Yankees. + +Major Simeon Giles is a specimen. It is difficult to draw his portrait. He +has a hard, dry face, which looks as though it had been turned out from a +seasoned white-oak knot. He wears a grievous expression, lying somewhere +between sobriety and melancholy. His money, character, and family have made +him a great man--he is a leading personage in church and state, and +exercises a wonderful influence in every department of society. The deacon +is full of dry expressions, and many of his cool, sly remarks have become +proverbs; but the hardest thing he ever said was after his pious soul had +been very much vexed, when he observed, "that if Providence should see fit +to remove Mr. ---- from this vale of tears, he would endeavor to resign +himself to the stroke." + +Major Simeon has many severe struggles within him, between the flesh and +the spirit. His avarice and piety are both strong, and the former sometimes +gains a temporary advantage. All his movements are governed by method. He +remains so long at his store, so long at his house, "takes a journey" with +his family once a year, "has a place for everything, and everything in its +place,"--a peg for his hat, a corner for his boots--and he is almost as +rigid in observing and enforcing his laws as Deacon Smith. + +Major Simeon is supreme, of course, over his own family. He never trifles +with his children. A cold shadow falls around him, which often silences +their voice of mirth and ringing laugh--the effect of reverence, however, +more than fear. + +Major Giles lives in the Old Giles Mansion. I will not pretend to say how +many Gileses have occupied it. Their portraits are hanging upon its walls, +and their bodies lie in the burying-ground; a long row of them, all the +way across it, and half back again--bud, blossom, and gathered fruit. There +is the portrait of the celebrated Elnathan Giles, who died during the reign +of Queen Anne. He looks very stern. He had passed through the scenes of the +Salem witchcraft, and had been personally connected with the +excitement--had attended several of the trials as a witness; was bewitched +once himself--and, according to family tradition, saw one witch hung--an +out-and-out witch--who had bridled many innocent people at midnight, sailed +through chamber windows, and hurry-scurried off with them, astride a +broomstick. + +Next to him hangs the face of his son, Colonel Ethelbert, as he was called, +who lived just long enough to fight at Bunker Hill. He had been a militia +colonel before the Revolution, and militia colonels were something in those +days. He made a ferocious-looking portrait, certainly. One can almost smell +gunpowder in the room. He is dressed up in his military coat, standing +collar, an epaulet on his shoulder; and there are strewn around him, in the +background, armies, artillery, drums, and banners. No wonder the Americans +were victorious. And then came the face of Major Simeon, whom I have +described. + +The wives of these men are also done up in oil, and hang meekly and +submissively by the side of their lords, as all wives should, or rather as +all wives did, in those days--and actually died without knowing how much +they were oppressed. + +There are other things besides portraits, to remind Major Simeon of his +ancestry. There is a tree still standing (strange that a tree should +outlive generations of men), that Elnathan planted with his own hand, on +the day Ethelbert was born--a stately elm, whose branches, in their +magnificent curve, almost sweep the ground. This tree shadowed the cold +face of both Elnathan and Ethelbert, when their coffins were closed for the +last time beneath it. There is the spring, more than half a century old, +that bubbles from the hill, and goes trickling, leaping, and flashing down +the green slope, singing away to itself as sweetly as ever. The old +lilac-bush, too, has outlived thousands whose hands have plucked its +blossoms, and yet it bursts out in the spring, and looks as fresh as the +children who play beneath it. + +It has been thought that Major Simeon and his family were aristocratic. +There is a stately air about them, when they enter church, that smacks of +blood. And the Major himself has often declared that, while "stock isn't +everything, it is a great consolation to know, in his case, that the name +of Giles has never been stained." + +There are several other families in the village whose ancestry runs back as +far as the Gileses'; and they have about them as many heirlooms to remind +them of it. + +The village is filled with other characters, quite as original as any I +have described. They are important personages, and have lived in it a long +time; but they have no family history to fall back upon. There is Major +Follett, who still lingers on the shores of time, and sustains a vast +dignity amid his declining years. His head is very white, his hat very +sleek, and his silk vest is piled very full of ruffles. He carries a +gold-headed cane, and when he marches through the streets, it rises and +falls with great emphasis, in harmony with his right foot. Now and then he +gives out an a-hem!--one of the lordly kind--that fairly awes down his +inferiors. He is a remarkable talker, too, among his equals--uses words +having a great many syllables. He never spits, but "expectorates"--his +pains are all "paroxysms"--talks about the "foreshadowing of events"--and +all his periods are as round and stately as the march of a Roman army. The +Major has actually made his assumed dignity pave his way in life--it has +given him wealth and influence among those who are intrinsically his +superiors, but who do not know how to put on the airs of consequence. + +Old Doctor Styles is living yet. He has survived two or three crops of +customers--helped them in and out of the world--balanced their +accounts--and his face is as ruddy, his laugh as hearty, his stories as +ludicrous, his nose as full of snuff, as though nothing melancholy had ever +happened in his practice. Eighty odd and more, he stands as straight as a +staff. Death has been so long a business with him, and he has stared it for +so many years in the face, that he really does not know, or care, how near +he is to it himself. + +Crapo Jackson, the sexton, is one of the characters. He has announced the +end of Doctor Styles's labor a great many hundred times through the belfry, +and helped cover up what remained. Crapo is black, but he has a fine heart. +He is a perfect master of his work. He puts on an air of melancholy and +circumspection at a funeral, that becomes the occasion. He sings, from door +to door, a hymn on Christmas mornings, with cap in hand extended for his +"quarter"--peddles gingerbread on training days--and aids the female +portion of the community on festival occasions, and does a great many more +things, "too numerous to mention." + +Speaking of "training days"--dear me!--there used to be a military spirit +in this village, in times past. I can recollect the names of scores of +generals, majors, colonels, captains, and even corporals--yes, +corporals--every man couldn't be a corporal in those times. Why, bless your +soul, reader! there was General Peabody, and General Jones, and Major +Goodwin, and Major Boles, and any quantity of colonels. And then "training +day"--nobody worked--the village was upside down--"'Seventy-six" was in +command, and martial law declared. + +Major Boles I recollect, when in the active discharge of his duty. He +always grew serious as the great militia muster drew on. He went away off +by himself, into the chamber, where he could be alone with the spirits of +his forefathers, and burnished up his sword, shook out the dust from his +regimentals--warned his children to stand out of the way--and looked +ferociously at his wife. He knew he was _Major_ Boles, and he knew every +other respectable man knew it. + +But Major-General Peabody was the greatest general _I_ ever saw. When a +boy, I looked upon him as a very blood-thirsty man, and nothing would have +induced me to go near him. He was a little fellow in stature, had a hard +round paunch that looked like an iron pot, and short, thick, dropsical +legs. (Major Boles, who was a little envious, said they were stuffed, which +produced a coldness between them.) His face was freckled, and his hair +gray. He wore two massive epaulets, an old Revolutionary cap, shaped like +the moon in its first quarter, from which a white and red feather curved +over his left ear. He had a sword--and such a sword! Nobody dared touch it; +for it was the General's sword! + +"Training day" usually opened with a boom from the field-piece, at +sunrise, that shook the hills. About ten in the morning the soldiers began +to pour in from all quarters. Drums and fifes, and muskets and rifles, +filed along in confusion,--ambitious companies in uniform--common militia, +who were out according to law. Uncle Joe Billings, who had played the +bass-drum for more than twenty years (poor old man, he is dead now!) was +seen gravely marching along all by himself, his drum slung about his neck, +his head erect, his step firm, pushing on to head-quarters at the measured +beat of his own music, now and then cutting a flourish with his right hand, +for the amusement of the children who were capering around him. Knots of +soldiers gathered about the tavern, and made a circle for the music to +practise, preparatory to the great come-off. Then came the good old +continental tunes that were full of fight, played by old fifers and +drummers that had been through the wars; men who made a solemn and earnest +thing of martial music--who reverenced it as the sacred voice of liberty, +not to be trifled with, who thought of Bunker Hill until the tears started +from their eyes. Those old airs, that used to echo among the mountains of +New England--where are they? + +But the captains, and colonels, and generals did not mix with the common +soldiers on training day--no! nor speak to them. Rank meant something. They +felt as though they were out in a war. They kept themselves covered from +the public gaze away off in a secluded corner of the tavern, and were +waited upon with great respect by those of inferior grade. Sometimes a +guard was stationed at the door to prevent a crowd upon their dignity. +Occasionally, one of them would bustle out among the rank and file on some +momentous duty, fairly blazing with gold and silver, lace and feathers; +but there was never an instance of one of these characters recognizing even +his own brother while in military costume. Major Boles has often said that +"no officer can be expected to see small things when in the active +discharge of his duty." + +At about eleven o'clock the solemn roll of the drums was heard, and loud +voices of command followed; and swords flashed, and feathers danced, in the +organization of the companies; and then came the training--real training--a +mile down street; a mile back again; a perfect roar of music; and flags +flying--horses prancing. What was rain, or dust, or mud with such an army! +They marched straight through it; it was nothing to war. The sweat poured +down, but the army moved on for hours and hours in its terrible march. + +The great sight of the day, however, was the Major-General and his staff--I +mean, of course, Major-General Peabody. They were not seen until about +three o'clock in the afternoon; it being customary for them to withdraw +from public observation the day prior to the muster. When the army was +drawn up in the field, preparatory to inspection, there was usually a pause +of an hour--a pause that was deeply impressive. We never knew exactly where +the General and his staff were concealed. Some persons said they were +housed in one place, some in another; but, upon the discharge of a cannon, +they burst upon us, glittering like the sun, and came cantering down the +road with perfect fury, in a cloud of dust, followed by a score of boys who +were on a sharp run to "keep up." + +General Peabody and his staff always rushed headlong into the field, +without looking to the right or left. I recollect that on one occasion he +demolished an apple-cart, and absolutely turned everything topsy-turvy, +besides creating great consternation among the by-standers; but it did not +disturb him, and it was only upon information the next day that he knew +that anything serious had happened. + +Passing the ruins of the apple-cart, and entering within the guarded lines, +he halted, and took a survey of his troops. Then the music saluted him, and +the companies waved their flags. He rode a little nearer, rose in his +stirrups, jerked out his sword spitefully, and, looking ferociously, cried +out, "Shoulder arms!" This cry was just as spitefully repeated by the +subordinate officers; and, after a while, the privates, one after another, +lazily raised their "pieces" to their shoulders. The General was in the act +of rising again, and was drawing in his breath for a command of thunder, +when his horse wheeled at the report of a musket that went off in the +lines, and came near upsetting him, feathers and all; but he fell into the +arms of one of his aids, and--swore, as I was at the time credibly +informed, though I could hardly believe it. + +The General very soon righted himself, and, striking his horse several +violent blows across his rump, cut a great many flourishes on the field, to +the utter astonishment of the lookers-on. He then rushed through the orders +of the day like a madman, and was manifestly utterly fearless of +consequences. + +I hope my readers are satisfied that Major-General Peabody was a great +military character. I recollect, when a boy, that I heard him say, "that he +was very sure _he_ would be the last man to run in a fight,"--"that he was +afraid to trust himself in a battle, for he never could lay down his sword +until the last enemy was massacred!" + +The old man was laid under the turf one autumnal afternoon, many years ago, +but his prowess is not forgotten to this day. His son, Colonel Asher +Peabody, who inherited his father's spirit, erected a stately monument over +his remains, which was covered with drums, and fifes, and swords, and +waving banners, and big-mouthed guns, intermixed with texts of Scripture, +the virtues of the deceased, admonitions to the living, &c. This monument +was always as terrific to me as the General himself; and, in my boyish +days, I always contemplated it from a distance, not knowing but that it +might blow up a piece of juvenile impertinence like myself on the spot. + +Yes, reader, these were training days in New England; but the military +glory has now actually died out. The last gathering I saw I shall never +forget. It was, indeed, a sorry group, made up of a rusty captain, two or +three faded corporals, and a handful of dare-devil privates, who cared no +more for their country than so many heathen. The officers looked cowed and +heart-broken, and loitered about in a very melancholy way; and it was +evident that the spirit of '76 was on its last legs. I afterwards learned, +I am sorry to say, that the captain, in a fit of patriotic rage, broke his +sword across his knee, and declared "that he never would turn out again as +long as his name was Jones!" + +And then, reader, this village was full of boys when I was a boy. Every +village is, you say. Very likely; but _such_ boys! there have never been +anything like them since. They wandered with me Saturday afternoons +through the meadows, where the lark was flitting and singing; and we +related wonderful stories about the future. We cut red-willow canes, made +whistles, and dammed mountain rivulets. Life opened to us with a chant: it +was melody, melody everywhere. There was the mountain gorge, down which we +rolled stones with the voice of thunder; the "big rock," in the river, from +which we fished; the pond, that we thought had "no bottom;" the mountain +cliff, with its "den of snakes:" _where_ are those boys now? +Everywhere--nowhere! Citizens of the world, some; and some of that other +world. They will never be all gathered but once more. + +But what has all this to do with Puddleford? Much. They are so many +pictures that I carry around with me, and they form a part of my existence. +They color life, thought, action; they mould the man; they are continually +inviting contrasts, and making suggestions; and I cannot omit to notice +them in my sketch of that famous village. + +When I last saw my native village--it was but a little while ago--it lay +sleeping in its amphitheatre as beautiful and tranquil as ever among the +shadows of its elms. It was summer, and the air was rich with music and +flowers. The highest peaks of the mountain were draped in blue, and the +valley beneath was a waving sea of green, down which the sunshine chased +the shade. The quail was blowing his simple pipe among the fields of grain; +the drone of the locust, the clanging of the mower's scythe, and the shout +and the song, were heard in the fields in the still afternoon. When the sun +went down, and its last flash leaped from the vane of the church-steeple to +a lofty mountain-peak three miles away, the whippoorwill began her +plaintive song, and the night-hawks went wheeling through the sky. Then the +evening bells broke forth, and their echoes sobered the twilight; and, as +their last vibration expired along the valley, the river stood golden +beneath the rays of the moon. + + + + +CHAPTER XX. + + First Militia Law in Puddleford.--Aunt Sonora opposed to + it.--Turtle sets her right.--Meeting to choose + Officers.--Longbow electioneers for Captain; Takes the + Chair.--Turtle objects.--P'ints of Order.--_Vivy Vocy_ Vote + won't do.--Legally authorized Boxes must be had.--Longbow's + Speech.--Turtle fined for Contempt.--Longbow elected + Captain.--Great Military Turn-out.--Company turn a Circle; + Break down.--Turn an Angle; Break down again.--Address to + Troops.--Adjourn _sine die_. + + +This great republic has ever been notorious for its patriotism, and this +patriotism used to break out everywhere, in days past, into a volcanic +eruption on days of general militia muster. Puddleford began very early to +feel the necessity of a spontaneous expression of its devotion to our +common country. When it was very new, and before any law had been passed by +the legislature organizing its people into companies, regiments, +battalions, and divisions, very strong premonitory symptoms of war were +frequently manifested. Beagle brought into the country an old snare drum, +which gave out a very crazy sound. Swipes owned a fife that squeaked most +hideously; and this fife and drum, with their owners tied to them, often +went on one of the most public corners of the village, on moonlight nights, +and roused up the war spirit of the whole neighborhood. They seemed to put +the very furies into the dogs, who barked and howled from every quarter. +By and by, a law was passed by the legislature of the state, compelling +every man to do militia duty, under fines and penalties that were really +frightful; and Turtle most solemnly declared, upon the strength of a fee of +one dollar to him paid for his advice thereon, "that the act was +constitutional, and accordin' to the common la' and the staterts, and that +it must be lived up to, fodder or no fodder!" + +Aunt Sonora said, "she didn't see what under heavens an' airth anybody +wanted of a war la'; they'd allers got along well 'nough in Puddleford +mindin' their own business. Somebody allers got killed when there were so +many guns and sogers, and so much powder; and for her part, she'd not stay +round any such gath'rings, if she starv'd in jail. She'd quit the +settlement fust!" + +Turtle informed the old lady that "wimin wouldn't have-ter turn out; it was +only the men over eighteen years of age--and that there was no fighting +done, only in case of actual invasion of the country, when wimin and all +would have-ter fight like blazes, or the whole settlement would be laid in +ashes." + +Aunt Sonora still insisted that "guns were _dang_-rous, any way; that they +_would_ go off, nobody knew when, and she shouldn't be s'prised to hear of +a dozen men bein' killed at every trainin'; if men would only be ker-ful, +but then they wouldn't; they'd all get as crazy as March hares, and as wild +as loons!" + +By the law, every company was permitted to choose its own officers, and +Puddleford counted just about people enough to make a respectable +organization of one company in numbers. It was resolved to hold a meeting +for organization, and to immediately choose officers at the tavern of +Bulliphant, no man under eighteen years of age to be present, because, as +Longbow declared, "that would be agin the la', and the proceedin's would be +all squashed." + +In truth, Longbow had no doubt in his mind, from the very first, that he +would be captain from the very necessity of the case. He was, he thought, +the military pillar of the whole township, as well as the civil; and as he +had generalled everything so far, he did not believe any one would dare to +dispute his inalienable right to that eminent position. So the Squire began +very early to talk learnedly about the last war, and the blood and fury +which accompanied it; and he put on a very ferocious look when in public, +and was frequently seen practising with his old fusee at a mark, which +discharged like a funnel, wrong end foremost. "He had a brother," he said, +"who fit at Lunder's Lane, and who was shot in the back, by savage Injuns +in the rear, jest as he was a-bagnettin' some of the British!" + +Turtle, who was a little ambitious for the office, and who saw the drift of +the Squire's bravado, said, "he guessed he was a-runnin' when he got that +are shot." + +The Squire replied, that "he shouldn't sit still and hear such talk from +any man. He didn't care 'bout his brother--it warn't that--but to hear the +patriots of our country slandered was a species of high treason, and that +was agin the constitution; and that 'ere insterment couldn't be violated in +his presence by no man--_he_ was a sworn officer--and the glorious blood of +the great wars was a sacred thing in his eye--and it _should_ be +protected." + +Turtle declared, "it didn't make any difference what the Squire's _brother_ +did, or did not do--it didn't help the Squire any. He guessed the Squire's +blood had Peter'd out." + +The Squire said, "he was the last man to boast of his relations, but blood +was blood, whatever they might say." + +On the famous night when the election came off, the tavern of Bulliphant +was crowded. A dozen or more ragged urchins, who had been barred out by +authority contained in the notice, had clustered around the windows, and +were gazing in with awe upon the assemblage. The "wimin" had been admitted +by special grace, and occupied the adjoining rooms. It was a most momentous +occasion--a great day for Puddleford--"it looked so much like war," as Aunt +Sonora said, "as if they were a-goin' to fight right off." + +The Squire rose, after the crowd had gathered, and said, "the first thing +in order was to drink--it wouldn't be proper to enter into any important +military business, without first drinking to our common country--and he +wished the land_lud_ to set on a gallon of baldface--the Puddleford name +for whiskey--so the wheels could be started right." + +"And another thing," exclaimed Turtle; "we want the American flag and an +eagle, these 'ere glorious symbols that went along with our forefathers +when they were a fightin' for the liberties of our country!" but as +Puddleford had no flag, a compromise was made, and the meeting concluded to +nail a shilling pocket-handkerchief, which had one painted on it, to the +bar, leave out the eagle, and take the whiskey. + +Squire Longbow took the chair, and said, "he would listen to anything the +meetin' had to say. He was by la' inspector of elections." + +Turtle objected--"he didn't know whether he'd take the chair or not--that +was for the meetin' to say." + +The Squire said, "he took it by virtue of bein' a member of the board of +inspectors of township elections--and this was one of 'em--a regular +township 'lection, and nothin' else, held by authority of la', under the +statert, past and 'proved, and sent him as justis to be lived up to." + +Turtle replied, "he didn't see how the Squire was a _board_ of inspectors; +'cordin' to his own showin'--where's the township clerk, and where's the +supervisor--have you swallow'd 'em all up, Mr. Longbow?" He objected, and +he wanted his objection noted--taken down in black and white. + +The Squire said, "that was _their_ business--if they neglected the defence +of our common country, _he_ couldn't help it--he meant to be a patriot, and +stand up to the constitution and staterts, if every man in Puddleford +turned traitor." The Squire swelled out very large, after concluding this +speech. + +At this point, Aunt Sonora, who was intently absorbed in the earnestness +which pervaded the meeting, and who sat in the next room, rose, and asked +the Squire "if there was really goin' to be war?" + +The Squire replied, "that the meetin' must not be disturbed; the wimin had +been let in as a great favor--for he didn't think the statert meant to have +a soul on 'em present, and he didn't know but jest that thing would blow +all the proceedin's to flinders in the higher courts, and that _every soul_ +on 'em would be court-martialed." + +Aunt Sonora slunk out of sight, drew her handkerchief, and heaved a long +sigh. + +Turtle rose and said, "he would nominate the Colonel captain of the first +militia company of Puddleford." + +"That's straight agin la'!" exclaimed the Squire; "that makes a _vivy vocy_ +vote on't, and we can't take any _vivy vocy_ vote here; this 'ere thing has +got-ter go through the town ballot-box, or it won't be legal--this vote +must be returned in form to the governor, and if _he_ should see it was a +_vivy vocy_ vote, he'd squash everything quicker'n you could say Jack +Robinson." The Squire didn't like the nomination--he was determined to be +captain himself. + +Turtle asked the Squire "if a hat would not do to collect votes?" + +The Squire said, "nothing short of the legally authorized boxes; he +couldn't trample down the la'." + +The legally authorized boxes were procured, and the voting was ready to go +forward. + +Hereupon the Squire arose, and blowing his nose with one finger, a side at +a time, and heaving a few sepulchral hems, said "that it was his duty to +say a few words: He was something of a military man himself--he belonged to +the Hos Guards down in the Susquehannas, when he was a young man, a great +many years ago, and they had sham fights most every year." ("Was anybody +killed?" exclaimed Aunt Sonora, who had forgotten herself, and whose nerves +had been shocked by hearing the word "fight.") + +The Squire turned to Aunt Sonora, and declared that "it was the last time +she _should_ speak. They had sham fights most every year," continued the +Squire, "and he recollected that, while pursuin' the enemy in an open +field, he fell from his horse, and bruised his head, but he caught his +horse agin, and jined his company, 'fore anybody knew what had happened." + +Turtle rose, and inquired, "What he put on his head? If it warn't +opodildoc?" + +"And that company," continued the Squire, disregarding Turtle's question, +"is in existence yet, and is commanded by Captain Zekiel--Zekiel--Zekiel--I +don't know what his t'other name is; and there ain't no time, +feller-citizens, sin' it's bin a company, that it wouldn't er turned out in +war if there'd bin a war, and they'd bin called on, feller-citizens." + +Turtle Said "he know'd about the last war, and he never heer'd of that +company of Hos Guards nowhere." + +"Ah! but you see!" answered the Squire, "they weren't called on--and he +might as well say that he was _lef_-tenant onc't in the great Pennsylvaney +militia--not that he wanted to be captain of _this_ company--and he might a +'gone higher, but he wouldn't take it--his former wife, that's dead and +gone, know'd that. And then, feller-citizens, there's a great deal of la' +'bout our militia, and if a captin don't know the la', everything will be +illegal, and _every_ son of you will be called up and court-martialed, and +fined, and 'prisoned, and your property taken and sold; and there ain't no +'peelin' it up, for military laws ain't like other laws, feller-citizens, +they ain't--" + +"That's a lie!" exclaimed Turtle. + +"_Who_ says that's a lie?" vociferated the Squire, jerking his head around. +"_What's_ a lie?" + +"It's _all_ a lie!" repeated Ike. + +"Give me that 'ere statement," roared the Squire. It was handed up. "By +authority in me vested, in that 'ere book, I fine you one dollar. It's a +contempt, sir--a contempt upon both a justice of the peace, and a 'spector +of 'lections. I oughter say _two_ dollars--it's a double contempt--I fine +you one dollar, sir; and you can't vote, sir, here, sir, in this 'ere +meetin', sir, while you're under contempt, sir, until you pay the dollar, +sir--and I might sue you for special damages, sir, but _I_ don't care 'bout +that, sir--it is my office that I am protectin';" and the Squire sat down +in the midst of his unfinished speech, filled with wrath. + +Squire Longbow was very sincere in his position which he had so confidently +taken. He had been so long a magistrate, and "head man" of Puddleford, and +he had been so closely identified with its public affairs, that he felt +himself always in court, and every personal insult was construed by him +into a contempt. Turtle humored the weakness of the old man, when his +dignity was in jeopardy, and on this occasion he felt no alarm, for he knew +that the fine would never be collected. Turtle owed the Squire more fines +already than he was worth. + +Squire Longbow was elected captain of the Puddleford company. When he spoke +so eloquently of the liberty and property of the people being so likely to +be jeopardized by an officer ignorant in the law, he carried his point, for +there was no man in the settlement so mighty as the Squire in that respect, +in the estimation of the public. + +In the fall, the Squire exhibited the first Puddleford militia company ever +assembled upon parade to the gaping wonder of its men, women, and children. +He formed his raw recruits into a line by the aid of a board fence, which +was supposed to be nearly straight, in the outskirts of the place. The +Squire was a very blood-thirsty looking captain, after he had mounted his +regimentals. He had turned up a broad-brimmed felt hat, and tacked the +sides by a flaming red cockade made of flannel, and had fastened an ostrich +feather, which he found in the wardrobe of his second wife, Aunt Graves, in +its top, which drooped heavily over his back. His coat was his best +homespun, the same that was woven by the hands of his first wife, and in +which he afterwards courted Aunt Graves, and it was bedizened with stripes +of cloth of every color. His sword was an old-fashioned affair, which he +had loaned of Ike Turtle, and was an heirloom in the Turtle family, it +having been used by his grandfather in the revolutionary war. His waistcoat +was red, and his boot-legs came over his pantaloons, each one supporting a +heavy cotton tassel, which swung to and fro as he walked. + +The company was as complete a specimen of ragamuffins as were ever +congregated together. There were three guns to the crowd, and the balance +of the arms were made up of the most murderous implements within reach, +such as axes, pitchforks, &c. + +But the Squire did not forget his dignity for a single moment. He put on a +martial air, and felt himself every inch a captain. While his company stood +erect in a line against the board fence, he marched backwards and forwards, +looking at it over his shoulder, with the greatest military pride, while +three dogs, his own property, and who had come out to witness the parade, +trotted after him. When the Squire wheeled to retrace his steps, the dogs +wheeled; when the Squire faced about to take a broadside view of his +company, the dogs sat down on their haunches, and took a view with him. +During the exercises, the Squire accidentally cut a low flourish with his +sword, and upset one of his own curs, who went howling towards the fence, +and lay down in the shade, perfectly satisfied with war, while the other +two, taking warning, retired farther in the rear, where they thought they +could see just as well. The Squire had not studied very deeply military +works on tactics, and his orders were somewhat monotonous, and were mostly +made up of two--"Shoul-_der_ arms!" and "Rest!" Walking a few paces, he +would suddenly wheel and cry, like the cracking of a pistol, in a most +furious tone--"Shoul-_der_ arms!" then taking a few strides, which seemed +to soften his temper, he would turn softly, as if he repented his +harshness, with--"Rest!" And the Puddleford company for an hour shouldered +and unshouldered their arms, to the astonishment of the crowd of urchins +that were looking on. + +It had been announced for a week, that the field exercises would come off +in the afternoon, at three o'clock. The ladies were invited to attend at +that hour, to witness the display. Squire Longbow gave as a reason for this +second eruption of patriotism, that the "Hos Guards down on the +Susquehannas allers had field exercises in the arternoon,"--"that, if it +hadn't-er been for field exercises, the Hos Guards wouldn't-er never been +fit for war,"--and Aunt Sonora told Mrs. Swipes, and Mrs. Swipes told Mrs. +Beagle, and they all told somebody else, that the field exercises were +going to be "jist sich as the Squire used to have down on the +Susquehannas." Aunt Sonora, however, sent down her boy Jabez to inquire of +Squire Longbow's wife, if there was a-goin' to be any shootin' there, for +if there was, "she was the last critter that would go--she could tell 'em +that." + +At noon the Puddleford company adjourned for one hour, when the Squire +thanked them, "one and all, for their grand military performance, which was +a credit alike unto themselves and their country, and he hop'd they'd be on +hand in the arter-_noon_, 'cordin' to law." + +At three o'clock the troops assembled for field exercises, in a ten-acre +lot, and they appeared to be very much recruited. Some eight or ten of the +patriots, however, had evidently been indulging at the "Eagle," and they +did not stand quite plumb. The captain found it very difficult to form them +into a line. Beagle could not possibly shoulder arms without sagging +against the column. Swipes stood much straighter than he did when sober in +the forenoon. He was so anxious to disguise his condition, that he had +planted himself in a most defiant attitude, with one foot advanced, and had +fixed his eyes upon the sky; he went through the exercises in a twitching, +nervous way, as if Longbow was moving him like a puppet by a string. Turtle +felt mischievously well, and the colonel stood as stoical as if he expected +to lay down his life before the enemy in fifteen minutes. + +The Squire's three dogs, who had been out during the forenoon, had returned +to see the end of the parade. Thirty or forty women and children were also +present, sitting upon stumps, and hanging upon fences in a very +miscellaneous sort of confusion. Aunt Sonora and Mrs. Longbow had procured +a couple of chairs, and the old lady seated herself, and took up her +knitting. Mrs. Longbow did not mix very much with the crowd, because she +could not forget that her husband was "captin of the day," as she said, +and she and her husband she felt to be one. + +The Squire formed the company into a line. "The fust thing to be did," +exclaimed he, drawing his sword, and swinging it three times around his +head, as a kind of three cheers, and scaring his dogs by this frightful +flourish, repeated before their eyes, and who had not forgotten the +accident of the morning--"the fust thing to be did, feller-sogers, is to +turn a circle." + +"To turn a _what_?" roared Turtle from the ranks. + +"To turn a circle," repeated the captain, "as the Hos Guards used to do, +down inter the Susquehannas." + +"T-h-u-n-d-e-r!!" ejaculated Ike. + +"No talking in the ranks--'tis finable--and 'twon't be permitted. We're +under martial law, and that's _very sum_'ry, Mr. Turtle, very _sum_'ry! And +to turn a circle," continued the Squire, "is one-er the most complercated +revolutions ever performed by the Hos Guards. I hereby appoint Mr. Beagle +the centre pin. Mr. Turtle will head the column--Mr. Beagle will stand +still, and the column will sweep round him, to the point from which they +started. Heads up! Shoul-_der_ arms! Ev'ry man to his post!" + +The captain drew his sword, and cried terribly, "For-_erd_, men!" Turtle +ran--the man behind him ran--and all ran, helter-skelter, some whooping, +some groaning, and in their sweep they took in a score of ragged boys, and +hurled them upon Aunt Sonora and Mrs. Longbow, who keeled over backwards in +their chairs, their petticoats fluttering, in their somerset, in the face +of the whole company. The Squire, forgetting his own position, when he saw +the position of his second wife, hastened to her rescue, set her up, and +pointed with his sword to the road, and she and Aunt Sonora pushed +desperately for the fence, their hair streaming behind them, bellowing +"Murder!" while the company brought up in the shape of a pot-hook, having +about half described the circle,--Beagle, the "centre-pin," crying to them +to "come on!" + +"H-ll!" involuntarily ejaculated the Squire, as he looked upon the +confusion. + +"That's swearin'," said Ike from the ranks, "and is agin the statert." + +The Squire explained. "He didn't swear as a justis', he swore as a captin', +and captins allers swore on the field-er action--but he'd take that 'ere +oath back.--What do you s'pose the Hos Guards would think of such a +revolution as that 'ere,"--continued the Squire, looking at the huddle +before him, "wouldn't _they_ swear? Do you call that a circle?--Every man +to his post in a line!" and the company straggled back into a column. + +Aunt Sonora sat upon the fence, panting with fright, and fanning her +flushed face with her cotton handkerchief. She told Mr. Longbow that "she +know'd that somebody'd be kill'd afore night--these sogers were so +_ker_-less--everybody was so hurly-burly, they'd run anybody right down, +and stomp on 'em; and if she hadn't got out-er the way jist as she did, she +would have been a dead woman, she know'd." + +"Now," said the Squire, "we'll try to turn an angle; if you can't turn a +circle, maybe you can turn an angle; and we'll drive a stake to turn it by, +and Mr. Turtle will again head the column." + +The stake was driven at the point of the right angle, "where," said the +captain, "you will all turn square around." The column moved forward +solemnly, in a line like a scythe snath, and, reaching the corner, began to +waver. Beagle at last fell headlong over the stake, and the whole company +brought up in a pile around him; whereupon the Squire threw his sword on +the ground, and declared, "he'd throw up his commission--and the country +might go to grass for all him." + +Turtle, who had brought about this confusion, "regretted the misfortune. It +was all an accident--Beagle had fallen, and discomboberated the whole +proceedings--accidents would occur on the field--and, in fact, he know'd a +man shot down dead once in the ranks--he guess'd the movement had better be +tried over; the stake, he thought, was a leetle too high." + +The Squire said, "it was very discouragin'--the Hos-Guards down on the +Susquehannas turned an angle the fust time tryin'--and on hosses, too. His +fust wife, now dead and gone, know'd that, for she was thar--it was one of +the simplest revolutions in all military tactics. He would like jist to +know what a company would be good for, on a field-er battle, that couldn't +turn an angle? He would jist like to know what they would do if they were +following the enemy through a hilly country, if they couldn't turn an +angle?--they'd all be butcher'd 'fore they could get round to the spot +they'd started for. War was war--and the revolution ought to be did jist as +if we were to-day fightin' for our liberties. He'd like to know what the +Hos Guards would say if he should tell 'em that one of his sogers had +fallen down turnin' an angle! He would throw up his commission afore he'd +tell 'em any such thing." + +Beagle said he "stumbled." "Stumbled!" roared the Squire. "You +stumbled!--who ever heard of the Hos Guards stumblin'! Stumbled? by the +great Bonyparte--that ain't swearin', Mr. Turtle--you'd be hung by the +neck, sir, if you stumbled on the field-er battle--it's a hangin' offence, +sir--a hangin' offence, sir. We are under martial law, sir, to-day, sir, +and if it was war time, sir, I'd order you to be stretch'd, sir, in five +minutes, sir, from that 'ere tree, sir--I'd show you war, sir--real war, +sir! bloody war, sir!" + +Turtle suggested that a lower stake had better be driven--or the outside +angle of the fence would be still better, that _would_ stand--they could +walk round a fence corner, he knew. + +Aunt Sonora "hop'd for massy-sakes they warn't a-goin' to come out of the +field--they ought-er be fenced in--she thought it warn't safe!" + +Mrs. Longbow, who had great confidence in her husband, said, "she needn't +be alarm'd any, the capt'n would take care on 'em." + +The Squire declared, "he wouldn't try any sich revolution over agin, but he +thought they _could_ march in platoons;" and thereupon he cried, "Company, +form in pla-_toons_!" + +Turtle said, "he wasn't any war character, and he didn't know what a +_platoon_ was, but he know'd Injun file." + +"Well, Injun file, then," exclaimed the captain; and from Injun file, +Longbow set them around into a hollow square, put the women in the centre, +and he delivered to his troops the address of the day, with uncovered +heads, and in the most affecting silence. + +The address was a very patriotic production. The Squire drew heavily from +the great revolutionary war to find inspiring materials to stimulate his +forces. He told them, among other things, that his own grandfather was +"wounded in the hip a-fightin' for his country, and that he draw'd a +pension arterwards as long as he lived. He hop'd they'd all get ready for +the great muster that was a-goin' to come off in a few weeks; for the +gin'ral would be there, then, and a good deal was expected of the +Puddleford company on that occasion." The Squire had forgotten the +unfortunate blunders of the day, in his enthusiasm, or, at any rate, he did +not allude to them, for he said, "he was proud of the soldier-like bearin' +of his men, and the great respect they all seem'd to have for their +capt'n--that their arms were not 'zactly accordin' to la'." + +"'Cording to the Lord," whispered Aunt Sonora, horrified, very +audibly--"Hear that." + +"'Cording to _la'_," repeated the Squire, who overheard her, "not 'zactly +'cordin' to la', but it is a constructive compliance with the statert, and +will pass muster on the first turn-out;" and, thankin' them all for their +attendance, he adjourned the company _siney die_. + + + + +CHAPTER XXI. + + Mrs. Bird gets in a Rage.--Starve a Child.--Mrs. Bird blows + off at Mrs. Beagle.--Takes Breath.--Blows off again.--Mrs. + Beagle gives a Piece of her Mind.--Aunt Sonora drops + in.--She has no Faith in Second Wives.--All adjourn to the + House of Mrs. Swipes.--General Fight of Tongues.--Mrs. + Swipes gives her Opinion.--A Dead Set by all upon Mrs. + Longbow.--Mrs. Longbow raps at the Door.--The Scene + changes.--Final Wind-up. + + +Aunt Graves had not got warm in her seat as mistress of Squire Longbow's +household, when she found half of the female portion of Puddleford upon her +in full cry. The Swipeses, and the Beagles, and Birds, who were very +jealous of the sudden elevation of the old spinster, gave her no peace +night nor day. They had seen the time when she looked up to them, and now +she was the wife of a Squire--had taken good old Mrs. Longbow's place, and +"really," as they said, "tried to lord it over them." + +Mrs. Bird went all the way in the rain, mud over shoe, to inform Mrs. +Beagle "that she warn't a-goin' to stand it any longer; _she_'d seen +enough, and if other people were a-mind to blind their eyes, they +might--she guessed she know'd what was what--she warn't brought into the +world for nothin'--they might humbug her if they could--she only wished old +Mrs. Longbow could jist rise from her grave--jist _once_--that's all she +would ask--she'd make a scatterin' among the dry bones--jist to think--to +think--" + +"What!" exclaimed Mrs. Beagle, who stood waiting for the climax, with her +mouth wide open, holding her dish-cloth in her hand. + +"What?--what"--repeated Mrs. Bird, "you may well say what--that Longbow +woman abuses little Elvira Julia Longbow like sixty--the _dar_ling +creature--how my heart bleeds. That child," continued Mrs. Bird, putting +down each word in a measured way by striking her fist on the table--"that +child--that dear--Elvira Julia--the idol--you know of her mother--and what +a mother she had, too, Mrs. Beagle--O, _what_ a mother! That child is +starved! She don't get half enough to eat--I know it just as well as if the +child had told me so with her own lips. She looks puny-like. She didn't +hold up her head in church all sarvice time, last Sunday--how my heart +ached for her--I couldn't think of nothin' else--and to think--to _think_, +Mrs. Beagle, that that woman who warn't nobody, and who'd come onto the +town if she hadn't fooled the old Squire, is now goin' to turn round and +starve his children. One thing I _do_ know, I shall never knuckle to +her--not while my name is Bird--I'll let her know who Mrs. Bird is. She'll +find out that the Birds can hoe their own row--the Birds allers _have_ +liv'd, and will live, I guess, and they never were beholdin' to the +Longbows, nuther. Starve a child!--and if she thinks I ever mean to know +her as anybody but old Poll Graves, she is most grandly mistaken. I'll jist +tell her who old Graves, her father, was, and what he was, and how he used +to drink, the old brute. She knows it all--but she thinks Mrs. Bird forgets +such things--but Mrs. Bird don't forget such things--she has a long +memory--and her mother warn't none _too_ good, nuther--I could touch her up +a little on that. Starve a child! Lord-a-massey, I s'pose she thinks she is +the queen of Puddleford, now, and can do as she has a mind-ter. If she +don't run agin a snag some day, then call Sally Bird a liar, that's all. +Pride must have its fall, Mrs. Beagle;" and here Mrs. Bird took the first +long breath, after entering the house. + +"How--you--do--talk!" ejaculated Mrs. Beagle, her eyes half started from +her head. "I'd thought just as much, but dare not say so." + +"Darsen't! darsen't!" popped Mrs. Bird, "Well, thank the Lord, _I_ dare; +I'll pull down the whole Longbow nest around her ears; I'll complain to the +town officers; I'll have her taken up, and then let her show her hand; to +think that the child of that dear, good woman we lov'd so much, should be +starved! And that ain't all: old Longbow is one of the most miserablest men +livin'; he don't have a minute's peace day _nor_ night; he rolls and +tumbles, and talks to himself--thinks, in his dreams, that his former wife +is back agin, and he talks to her jest as if she was; he hain't had a full +meal for a mouth. She is the _stin_giest of all mortals! She liv'd on +nothin' afore she was married--why she counts the very coffee kernels she +uses--she allers was afraid of goin' to the poor-house--pity she hadn't-er +gone--but la-sa-me, you can't get one of the Longbows to say a word about +it--they are as whist as mice--fairly caught--less said the better, you +know--they are so everlastin' etarnal proud, the hull pack on 'em would die +before they'd let anything out--but they can't deceive Mrs. Bird--murder +will out--starve a child!" and here Mrs. Bird took another long breath. + +Mrs. Beagle looked still wilder, if possible, than before. But she was a +very cautious woman, as has been seen. There was a method in _her_ malice. +"She had thought for a long time," she said, "that affairs were all +wrong-end-foremost at the Longbows. _She_ could see some things too. But +she didn't want to say a word agin nobody. She had allers tried to be a +_keer_ful woman--and she _was_ a keerful woman--and although she said it, +who had not orter say it, she was a keerful woman. She tried to live in +peace and Christian charity with everybody--and she would put up with +enymost anything rather than to have hard feelings 'gin anybody. She had +allers been a friend of Mrs. Longbow, and was really glad when she heard +she had at last got married, for she _did_ think she would make a good +wife--she had orter, for Squire Longbow had been the makin' on her, and had +set her up in the world for _sum_thin'--but things warn't-er a-goin' right, +that she know'd, and had know'd it for a long time; the old Squire looked +as _cowed_-like as if he'd give all his old shoes to see his old wife back +agin--he didn't look so chirck as he used to do--but then she didn't +want-er say nothin' about it, for there was one thing she didn't do--she +didn't talk about her neighbors--if there was any kind of people that she +_did_ hate, it was the slanderers--she never slandered nobody--but she +allers did know that Mrs. Longbow was tighter than bark to a tree--she used +to jest keep soul and body together 'fore she married--a leetle _too_ tight +to be honest--there wern't no slander in that--she hadn't said she _was_ +dishonest, nor she warn't a-goin' to say it--she would skin a copper the +closest of anybody she ever see'd; such people _can't be_ honest--they will +cheat in the dark--not that she meant to say that Mrs. Longbow _would_ +cheat--she slandered nobody--but the child _did_ look _half_-starved, and +anybody could see it with one eye, and you can't learn old dogs new +tricks--what's bred in the bone stays there--and the old Squire's darter, +Livinny, looks like death, too--she's lost a _mother_, and it'll be a long +time before that woman will fill _her_ place--this is between you and me, +Mrs. Bird--'twarn't no longer than t'other day that Mrs. Swipes told me +that old Longbow wanted to marry Mary Jane Arabella, but Mrs. Swipes said +she jest put her foot down and said No! and he's been _cross_-grained at +her ever since. Well--well--so it goes." + +Aunt Sonora dropped in "to take a breath," as she said. Mrs. Bird and Mrs. +Beagle had to repeat to her the new developments in the Longbow family, +with some new additions. + +Aunt Sonora said she never did have any faith in second wives. "Depend +upon't," said the old lady, "no good comes out on 'em. And the old maids +were the _very_ worst on 'em all. They were the awfullest dead-settest +people she ever know'd. They _will_ have their way. They allers rule the +roost. She guessed that her old man knew when he was well off. He hated +second marriages like pizen." + +Finally, the women, after exhausting themselves, all agreed to adjourn to +the house of Mrs. Swipes, to see what could be done to improve the domestic +arrangements of the Longbow family. Mrs. Bird said at first she wouldn't +move an inch, to see Mrs. Swipes or anybody else, for it wasn't no +business of her'n, but then she know'd that, if it was _her_ child, and +_she_ was dead, and Mrs. Longbow wasn't dead, Mrs. Longbow would do just as +she did. + +Mrs. Swipes was delighted to see such a crowd of her friends, but declared +"she couldn't for the life of her tell what was up." + +By the time the "ladies" had arrived at the house of Mrs. Swipes, they were +very highly charged with electricity. They had lashed themselves into a +very respectable sort of fury. Even Aunt Sonora, amiable as she was, +muttered to herself, while crossing the road--"Starve a child!" + +Nobody ever told Mrs. Swipes any news--that was not possible--she had +always heard of it, seen it, or expected it; the most astounding +development was no more than she had "allers known would come about." There +was no story so large that it was unexpected, or beyond her power to add a +little to it--no black so black, that she couldn't make it a little +blacker--no slander so public, but that she had heard a little more than +her neighbors of it. A piece of scandal melted like sugar in her mouth, and +it seemed to send a glow over her whole being while she digested it; it +braced her up for a whole day, and carried her through the most fiery +domestic trials--no story, therefore, ever lost strength or sting while in +her keeping--it gathered weight and power like a snowball--she paid it out +with interest. Her husband, Zeb Swipes, she didn't like, for he did not +care a pin about his neighbors, "'specially the women folks," as he said; +and Mrs. Swipes declared she never could interest him in the wickedness of +the place. Many a time she had talked him to sleep, flaring, and foaming, +and fretting about Puddleford. + +When Mrs. Bird, and Beagle, and Aunt Sonora entered Mrs. Swipes's room, the +clap burst at once from the whole delegation. + +"Don't you think!" exclaimed Mrs. Bird. + +"Did you ever!" snapped Mrs. Beagle. + +"Pretty doin's these!" chimed in Aunt Sonora. + +"That _that_ thing!"--"that Longbow woman," continued Mrs. Bird. + +"Starve!" added Mrs. Beagle. + +"Yes, starve!" repeated Mrs. Bird. + +"A child!" groaned Aunt Sonora. + +"Yes, a child!" gasped Mrs. Bird. + +"And to think!" said Mrs. Beagle. + +"Yes, to think!" said Mrs. Bird. + +"_Only_ to think!" repeated Aunt Sonora. + +"That," continued Mrs. Beagle. + +"Yes, _that_," said Aunt Sonora. + +"What she was," said Mrs. Beagle. + +"Only--jest--to--think," screamed Mrs. Bird. + +"Nobody," continued Mrs. Beagle. + +"Nobody at _all_!" snapped Mrs. Bird. + +"But"--said Mrs. Beagle. + +"But what?" inquired Mrs. Bird. + +"_But--old--Poll--Graves!_" screamed the whole three together. + +"Hadn't the second gown to her back," added Mrs. Bird. + +"Foller'd sowing, too, for a livin'," hinted Mrs. Beagle. + +"And glad enough to get it, too," sputtered Mrs. Bird. + +"Couldn't-er worn Squire Longbow's old shoes, then," said Mrs. Beagle. + +"And now she puts on more ker-ink-tums than the governor's darter," spit +out Mrs. Bird. + +"Starve a child!" exclaimed another. + +"Yes, starve a child!" chimed in all the rest, in a most furious tone of +malicious spite that almost raised the roof. When the storm had spent +itself on the head of Mrs. Swipes, who stood it with philosophy, for she +liked it, all hands "set in" to tell her of the barbarous cruelty of Mrs. +Longbow. + +Mrs. Swipes replied, "that nothin' more could have been expected on +her--old Longbow might-er known she'd-er taken the very hide off on him, +and off all on 'em--if _he_ didn't know what Poll Graves was, then it was +_his_ fault; if he hadn't liv'd long-er enough in this community to find +_her_ out, then the old fool ought-er suffer--good 'nough for him. He tried +to get our Mary Jane Arabella, 'fore he went arter _her_--but I let him +know that _I_ was the mother of that gal. He found that Mrs. Swipes had a +word to say, and it took _me_ to send the old codger adrift--it jest did. +It's 'nough to make one's blood run cold to see the highty-tighty airs that +woman puts on. Last Sunday she had on all of old Mrs. dead and gone +Longbow's finery-finery--that _bun_nit, the very same that she bought at +Whistle and Sharp's store--price, twenty shillings and sixpence--bought it +not mor'n two weeks afore she died. That drab of her'n, you know; the dear +good woman never worn it mor'n onct or twict, 'tended Deacon Pettibone's +funeral with it, I remember--that very same _bun_nit, and she had it on; +and she had on, at the same time, old Mrs. Longbow's gown, and shawl too; +and she did _come_--_a_--sailing right inter church, jest as if she was +lord of the manor! I thought old Mrs. Longbow had rose from her grave, and +I shed tears on the spot. It made my blood run cold. Thinks I to myself, +old critter, if Mrs. Longbow should jest come back agin, she'd make _you_ +scatter, she would--she'd tear them clothes off on you--she'd let you know +where your place was; she'd learn _you_ to dress up inter _her_ clothes. +You'd rue the day you ever tried that game with her. Starve a child? Why, +of course she will; anybody that don't care nothin' 'bout dead folkses +clothes don't care nothin' 'bout folkses children." + +At this point, the whole pack made another dead set at Mrs. Longbow, with +the exception of Aunt Sonora, who sat rocking violently, and taking snuff. +It is impossible to repeat the jargon that made up the hurly-burly that +followed. All the troop were firing together, all kinds of shot, and +epithets, and sentences were violently broken up into fragments by each +other, and hurled in a mass at Mrs. Longbow's head with the hottest +vengeance. + +It might have looked something like the following: "Nobody!" "Who cares!" +"I'll let her!" "Just to think!" "Starve!" "Yes, starve!" "A child!" "That +new bonnit!" "Twenty shillings!" "Sowed for a livin'!" "And sixpence!" +"Yes, and sixpence!" "Right in church!" "Hardly cold in!" "The poor child!" +"And gown, too!" "Her grave!" "Hardly cold in her grave!" "Marry!" "Was as +poor!" "Marry my Mary!" "As poor as Job's!" "Marry my Mary Jane Arabella!" +"Was as poor as Job's turkey!" "I can see!" "I only wish!" "I can see how +it!" "I only wish old Mrs. Longbow could!" "Goes!" "Rise from her!" +"Starve!" "Grave!" "I'll complain!" "I wonder!" "To the town!" "If she +thinks!" "Starve!" "I'll knuckle!" "A child!" "To her!" "Poll!" "No!" +"Old!" "Not as long as my--" "Poll!" "Name is--" "Graves!" "Bird!" + +There was a rap at the door, and the uproar ceased, and the vixens were +magnetized as instantaneously and as completely as if they had all been +stricken with palsy, and their tongues fastened to the roofs of their +mouths. + +Mrs. Swipes put on a smile, and courtesied to the door, opened it, and +there stood Mrs. Longbow! + +"Good after_noon_, Mrs. Longbow. Well, I do declare!" exclaimed Mrs. +Swipes, putting on one of her blandest faces, "you have raaly got out at +last. It warn't no longer than this very morning that Swipes and I were +wondering what had become of you. Swipes said he know'd you must be sick, +but I told Swipes you had so many cares--we women folks _have_ so many +cares, Mrs. Longbow. And who do you think is here?--Mrs. Bird, and Mrs. +Beagle, and Aunt Sonora--and we were jest a-talkin' 'bout you--and we all +wonder'd how you did manage to get along so well in your family;" and after +Mrs. Swipes had chatted and bowed Mrs. Longbow through the hall, Mrs. +Longbow was introduced to the nest of hornets which had just been buzzing +so unconsciously about her ears. + +"Why--Mrs. Longbow!" cracked Mrs. Bird's voice at the same time, jumping +from her chair with a convulsive jerk, and grasping her hand, and +imprinting a kiss upon her. "You have--done it--now--you have come out at +last. Goin' to call at our house, I s'pose. Let me see--it's one, +two--yes--three weeks since you've show'd your face, Mrs. Longbow--lookin' +as bright as a spring mornin', I see." + +"All-er that," said Mrs. Beagle. + +"But then you have had so much to do," continued Mrs. Bird; "the Squire's +house had got inter an awful muss while he was a wid'wer. Lavinny +didn't--know--how--to--do--but the people say that it shines like a pink +now--and how you _have_ spruc'd up the children--I didn't hardly know +Elvira Julia last Sunday. I thought her mother had come back agin." + +"She looked _so_ happy!" exclaimed Mrs. Beagle. + +"And the old Squire begins to hold up _his_ head agin, like _some_body," +added Aunt Sonora. + +"Nothin' like a _woman_ in a house," chimed in Mrs. Swipes. + +"Nothin' like it," said Aunt Sonora. + +"Everything goes to loose ends where there ain't no woman," said Mrs. Bird. + +"Jest look at old Fluett's house," said Aunt Sonora; "'tis chaos come +agin--woman gone--everything spilt from garret to cellar." + +"And jest so at Dobbins," added Mrs. Bird. + +"I do raaly b'lieve," said Mrs. Beagle, "that if Longbow had put off +gettin' him a woman six months longer, he'd a brok't down." + +"Jest what the old man himself said," added Mrs. Bird. + +"And--then--to--think," drawled out Mrs. Swipes, "that he should have been +so fort'nit." + +"Might-er tried a hundred times," said Mrs. Bird. + +"And got bit," said Mrs. Swipes. + +"Yes, and got bit," repeated Mrs. Bird. "There was a kind-er Providence in +it. There _cer_tainly was." + +"Jest what Parson Bigelow said," added Aunt Sonora; "he said he could see +the hand-er Providence inter it, jest as plain as he wanted to." + +"Strange world," said Mrs. Beagle. + +"Full-er sorrow," said Mrs. Bird. + +"Never know when it's comin'," added Aunt Sonora. + +"The only way's to be ready for't, and do our duty," said Mrs. Swipes. + +Thus the conversation ran on. Mrs. Longbow supposed herself looked upon as +a martyr by the crowd of "friends" among whom she had unconsciously fallen, +and felt almost crushed by the weight of sympathy which they had so +gratuitously thrust upon her; and finishing her call, returned to her +domestic labors with a lighter heart, and a satisfied conscience, while +those she left behind her, on her departure, took the advantage of her +absence to completely finish up the remainder of the woman's reputation. + + + + +CHAPTER XXII. + + Appeal of Case Filkins _vs._ Beadle.--Turtle's Affidavit and + "P'ints."--Longbow's Return.--County Court.--Turtle opens + his Law "P'ints."--Bates replies.--A Fight.--Collateral + Ish-ers.--Squire Longbow present.--The Court sustains Squire + Longbow.--Turtle gets into a Passion.--Impanelling the + Jury.--Mr. Buzzlebaum leaves.--Mr. Tumbleton upsets + Ike.--Mr. Flummer is cut short bob off.--Ike opens to the + Jury.--The Trial.--Charge of the Court.--Jury retire.--Can't + agree. + + +Among the causes that were found in the county court for trial was the +appeal of Filkins against Beadle. Turtle had carried it up. He had informed +the court and the jury, when he argued the cause below, that he would carry +it up if he didn't get a verdict, and he was as good as his word. Turtle +was a long-winded attorney, and what he lacked in brains he made up in +bottom. He could worry out any opponent in Puddleford, and drive the man +against whom he had no case into a settlement, or starve him out. Turtle +often said that "a man's peace was worth something, and he who wouldn't buy +his peace, orter sweat. La' was la', and if a man didn't want to pay for +it, he ought to keep out of it." It was necessary, at the time we speak of, +for any party who desired an appeal, to make out an affidavit, stating the +errors below. Mr. Turtle was a host on an affidavit. He could raise and +swear to more "p'ints" than any man in Puddleford. + +Turtle's affidavit was a curiosity. It covered _all_ the "p'ints," as he +called them--"all the 'ish-ers' of law and all the '_ish_-ers' of fact." + +According to this document, he set up error in the judgment below:-- + +1. "'Cause the justis' had counselled with the defendant, and had sworn to +go for her anyhow. + +2. "'Cause the justis' allowed Sile Bates, one of the jurymen, to leave the +jury, and pettifog for Charity Beadle. + +3. "'Cause there wern't but five jurymen to try the cause, and there had +orter been six. + +4. "'Cause counsel hadn't mor'n half got through arguing the case to the +jury, when the justis' shut them off, and forcibly sent out the jury to +deliberate on their verdict. + +5. "'Cause the justis' err'd in everything from the beginnin' to the end of +the cause. + +6. "'Cause he 'low'd Charity Beadle's set-off, which was agin all kind-er +law, and never heer'd on in the books. + +7. "'Cause the justis' drank liquor while he was tryin' the cause. + +8. "'Cause the justis' got inter a passion while he was tryin' the cause. + +9. "'Cause the jury got drunk while they were tryin' the cause. + +10. "'Cause liquor was sold clus by the court room all the time they were +tryin' the cause. + +11. "'Cause one of the jurymen warn't fit to sarve--he bein' no voter--or +if he was, he never had voted. + +12. "'Cause, as he understood, the jury flopp'd a copper to see who should +win the cause. + +13. "And, finally, the verdict warn't no verdict, 'cause the jury didn't +agree." + +Here were "p'ints" enough to overthrow the most righteous cause in the +world. This affidavit was filed before Squire Longbow, within the time +prescribed by statute, as appeared by the return of the magistrate to the +county court, and the _return_ itself of Squire Longbow was also spread out +as large as life on the files of the same. + +If there was anything that Squire Longbow _did_ pride himself upon, it was +his returns to county court. He had often said, "that he would like to see +the man who could pick a flaw in one of his papers." He said "that none of +his decisions had ever been 'squashed' by the upper courts. He knew what +la' was, and when a man _knew_ the law, he would allers be sustained." + +I do not know as it is worth while to give the full return of the Squire to +the threatening array of legal objections found in Turtle's affidavit. He +argued every one of them as if his very existence, both as a man and a +magistrate, depended on the result. In substance, he returned to the first +point,-- + +"That of course he counselled some with both of the parties. He didn't want +folks quarrellin' 'bout nothin'--a-spendin' their time and their money--and +how could he know anything about the case, if the parties didn't tell him. +He was a sworn officer, bound to do his duty, or throw up--if he should +ish-er papers for everybody that axed him to, without lookin' into the +case, he wouldn't do nothin' but try causes. _His_ time was worth sumthin', +as well as other folkses. It was his business to see that every plaintiff +had a case, and that every defendant had a defence. Turtle counsell'd with +him first, and he tho't Turtle had a case--but he lied to him, or was +greatly mistaken, at any rate--Miss Beadle counsell'd next, and he then saw +it was all up with Turtle, but it was too late to stop proceedings, for the +summons had gone out, and couldn't be stopp'd; if it could-er been, he'd +stopp'd it." + +To the second point, the Squire returned,-- + +"That he _did_ 'low Sile Bates to leave the jury, and 'pear as counsel for +Charity Beadle--that _that_ was constitutional right--right-er counsel in +all crim'nal cases, thank the Lord, was presarv'd yet--and the case was a +crim'nal case, or a kind-er crim'nal case--'twarn't for debt, and must be +crim'nal. _He_ couldn't choose counsel for anybody--thank the Lord that was +a personal right--Charity Beadle had the right to choose her _own_ +counsel--it warn't none of his business who she took--how could any one +take her counsel away from her by putting him outer a jury--that would +destroy the constitution itself. If the court would jist look inter Story +on the constitution, he'd see how that was; and if he ever did make a +righteous decision, _that_ was a righteous decision. The woman sav'd her +case by it--for if she hadn't _had any_ counsel, the greatest injustice +would-er come on't--maybe the jury would-er 'greed--and _she_--nobody knows +where she would-er been now." + +To the third point he returned,-- + +"''Cause there wern't but five jurymen,' it is said. Well, there _warn't_. +What of it? Five were jist as good in this case, as six; 'cause if five +couldn't agree, how could six?'" + +To the fourth point, as follows,-- + +"He did choke off counsel while they were argerin' the cause to the jury, +and swore the officer and sent out the jury to deliberate. He'd do it agin, +under like circumstances. They vi'lated the dignity of the court--there +wern't no order nor nothin'--everything went on hurly-burly--there was more +racket than if there was a town-meetin'. One thing there had got-ter be, +and that was order in his court--he might-er sent them all to jail for +contempt--but he wanted to be mild with 'em--he didn't allers think it best +to go to the length of the la'--two counsel talkin' to the jury at onct was +agin all la'--it was a great contempt of court--they'd orter been fin'd ten +dollars apiece--but he didn't want-er fine 'em--he took a shorter +course--he acted in his discretion--and he had a discretion in sich +cases--any other court would-er done as he did, or worse, maybe. So long as +he was magistrate, he meant to be magistrate--and his court was a +court--and that thing people had got-ter find out, sooner or later." + +To the fifth point, as follows,-- + +"He'd jist submit that to the higher court." + +To the sixth point, as follows,-- + +"He did let in the set-off of Charity Beadle, and he did it, arter +examinin' all the 'thorities on that p'int. He consulted Squire Brown, too, +who did business down inter the State of New York, as justis', more'n ten +years, and who had a great many jist sich cases afore him. The Squire said +it was la' there, and had bin ever sin' he was a boy--and York la' was good +la' anywhere. Story was dead for 'lowin' sich kind-er set-offs, and his +works were all in favor on't--and it would be a likely p'int for anybody to +set up that sich a set-off couldn't be allow'd. Filkins sues for so much +money for so many slanders--now, then, he would jist like to know, if five +slanders are worth ten dollars to _her_, if five slanders wouldn't be worth +ten dollars to Charity Beadle--and if one ten dollars ain't jist as good as +another ten dollars--he would like to know if one don't suffer jist as much +as t'other--and if one hadn't orter be paid jist as much as t'other. If you +go lyin' round 'bout me, you've got to pay, but if I go lyin' round 'bout +you, I hain't got-ter pay--he'd like to know what justis' there was in all +that--he didn't b'lieve Turtle thought so himself, but he was allers tryin' +to bull-rag the court--and he warn't goin' to be bull-ragg'd by him nor +nobody else." + +To the seventh point, as follows,-- + +"He didn't know whether Mr. Turtle meant to be personal or not. He didn't +know whether he meant to say, right out, that he was drunk, or not. If he +did, he was a liar. He had no right to slander him onter the public records +of the higher courts, in that sort-er way. What if he did drink? he had a +right to drink--that was his business--when anybody can say that Squire +Longbow is unfit for business from 'licker,' then there's time 'nough to +blow out at him, and not afore--he shouldn't notice that p'int any furder." + +To the eighth point, as follows,-- + +"'Got inter a passion?' He _did_ rise in his wrath onct or twict, to +presarve the order of the court. He warn't goin' to sit and be trampled on. +He was de-_tar_-min'd that justis' should take its course, if he had to +fight to do it. He couldn't keep Turtle down any other way--he'd used up +all the fines in the staterts agin him, and that wouldn't do--he tore on +worse than ever--and he'd jist say here, it was high time the fines were +increas'd. He informed the court that Turtle said, 'he hadn't but one eye, +and that he couldn't see but a little ways--that he hadn't as many brains +as an 'ister--that his head was full-er cobwebs or bumble-bees, he didn't +know which--that his judgment warn't good on a common note-er-hand--that he +warn't up to the school-marm, for she could read--and that he _did_ get +inter a passion that the _court_ should have been so trampled upon--for he +_would_ presarve the dignity of his court so long as _he_ was magistrate--a +great deal depended upon _order_ in court--and when everything was a-goin' +topsy-turvy, there warn't no justis'--he should allers, use jist as much +force as was necessary to presarve order--and get into a passion, too, if +he wanted to." + +To the ninth point, as follows,-- + +"He didn't know whether the jury were drunk or not--that's _their_ +biz-ness, not his'n--they could answer for themselves on that p'int; and if +Mr. Turtle wanted to know how that was, he'd better ax 'em; he warn't +a-goin' to--he never took away any of the priv'leges of the jury--they were +sacred things to him. When he tried cases, he did as _he_ was a mind-ter, +and the jury did as _they_ were a mind-ter--if they wanted to drink, he +wouldn't interfere--'twas out of his jurisdiction--he never did dabble with +a jury, nor he never would--but he would say that the jury 'peared very +well, listened to all the evidence as men should--stay'd out long 'nough to +consider on the evidence and gin in a verdict, he verily believed, 'cordin' +to their oath." + +To the tenth point, as follows,-- + +"Licker might-er bin sold _clus_ to the court-room--but it warn't sold _in_ +the court-room--that he'd never 'low'd since he was a justice--every man +who drank, went inter the _bar_-room, and thar was a strong _pe_-tition and +a clus door atween the two rooms--he wouldn't-er 'low'd a drop in the +court-room--he had allers bin very keerful 'bout that--they did drink onct +or twict, but it was in the _bar_-room--the trial was very long and very +troublesome--and the jury got dry--but they drank every time in the +_bar_-room, and not in the court-room--and he was _keer_-ful every time +they _did_ drink, to 'journ the court, to save all questions--and he would +say that Turtle drank as often as anybody--and onct, certainly, he moved to +'journ the court for to drink, and nothin' else--and now he goes up to the +higher court, and makes a fuss 'bout it--the staterts said there should be +no licker sold _in the room_ where the court is held--not _out_ of it, nor +in the next room--and he'd allers bin a la'-'bidin' man, and allers meant +to be." + +To the eleventh point, as follows,-- + +"He didn't know whether the juryman was a voter or not--'twas _none of his_ +bizness--best known to himself--if he set, knowin' he warn't a juryman, he +orter to be proceeded agin by the next grand jury." + +To the twelfth point as follows,-- + +"How in airth did he know anything 'bout floppin' coppers--he warn't +thar--he warn't a juryman--he was the court--they might-er flopped for all +he knew--but he had seen Mr. Swipes, who was one of the men who set, and he +says thar warn't a copper flopped." + +To the thirteenth point, as follows,-- + +"There _was_ a verdict, and it was recorded on his docket--it was, 'that +the jury couldn't agree, one of 'em standin' out 'cause he was a-feared or +wanted to be pop'lar with somebody;' and that was jist as it was gin in." + +Squire Longbow had returned much more matter to the court than he was +required to do by his affidavit, which has not been stated--mere +speculations of his own about the law and facts of the case as they +appeared before him, all of which he said the court "orter know." + +The judge of the county court was an enlarged edition of Longbow +himself--enlarged, because his jurisdiction was greater. He was one of the +foremost men of the county, because he was one of the most independent. He +owned a great deal of land, and a great deal of stock--bought and sold +much--and had acquired a practical knowledge of the way things were done in +a new country. He had been school inspector, highway commissioner, +supervisor, and member of the legislature, and he was now judge. He did not +know any law, except what Bates, Turtle, and other kindred pettifoggers had +taught him--and when he shot at a case, he shot in the dark. He was right +half of the time upon the result of chances; and that, perhaps, was doing +as well as half the judges do, who pretend to more knowledge in the +profession. He was a stumpy, red-headed man, and very "percussion" in his +decisions--gave very short or no reasons for them--and like Longbow, didn't +know a technicality from a sign-post. + +The law points in the appeal were first to be argued--if Turtle failed on +them, he was then entitled to a trial on the facts. + +Turtle argued his law points in a pile. He flung the whole return at the +judge in gross, playing first upon this string, and then upon that, +abusing everybody connected with the cause but his own witnesses and +himself, until he blew himself almost entirely out of breath. + +He began by flattering the court. "It was sunthin'," he said, "to have a +county court to 'peal up to--if 'twarn't for that, he'd stop +business--Squire Longbow had got so that la' warn't la' any more with him. +When he first came inter the settlement, he was a pretty good justis, but +he was as woolly as a sheep now. If he got a crotchet inter his head, you +couldn't beat it out--he was worse now than he was afore he got married the +second time. The cause below was killed by him--he was 'torney, and justis, +and jury--he had 'greed to go for defendant from the start--had knock'd the +jury inter fits by takin' Sile Bates off on't agin la'--had let folks in to +swear that hadn't lived in the State six months, and nobody know'd whether +they were to be believed or not; but the presumption of la' was agin +'em--that he cuss'd him for it, but that didn't do any good--that the +Squire drank himself, and let the jury get drunk, shocking as the fact +might be--and yet he warn't a drunken man--rather a sober man--but it was +done by him to fuddle the jury, and spile his cause--that he let in the +al_might_-i-est set-off he ever _did_ hear on--the very thought on't was +'nough to give this court spasms--and this court orter for that, if for +nothin' else, 'point a guar-_dine_ over him--that he told him when he did +it, that he'd foller the case to the backside of sundown, and blow him +inter flinders, but he didn't seem to care 'bout it--that the jury _did_ +flop on the verdict, and the justis' knew it, and his return warn't worth +shucks on that p'int"--and so on for an hour or more, until he became +exhausted. + +Sile Bates rose and said, "that, 'cordin' to the return of the justice, +Turtle's speech was a _lie_!" + +Mr. Turtle hurled an inkstand and contents at Bates's head, which besmeared +him from head to foot. + +Mr. Bates hurled another back at him, which emptied its contents upon Mr. +Turtle. + +The court called them both to order, reminding them that things were going +too far. + +Mr. Bates declared "it _was_ a lie!" + +Mr. Turtle said "he should boot him if the word was repeated." + +Mr. Bates repeated the word, and was booted through the court-house door. + +Difficulties being settled, counsel appeared in court very amiable, covered +with ink, ready to proceed. + +Mr. Turtle attempted to 'pologize to the court--"he had no 'pology for +Bates." + +The court remarked that "it wasn't necessary--the doctrine of set-off would +apply." + +Mr. Bates said he had no speech to make--the court knew the justice who +made the return--if it believed him, then Turtle might as well cave. + +During this uproar, Philista Filkins with _her_ friends, and Charity Beadle +with _her_ friends, each troop ranged round their counsel, were looking +upon this war of words with the most intense anxiety. Miss Filkins had +attired herself for the occasion in a mussy crape dress, a pinched-up hat, +and a black shawl, being, as she said, in affliction. She declared that +Miss Beagle tried to "spile" her character, and she felt it, for that when +that was gone, one might as well give up, and die. She carried a deep-set +grievance in her face, a fixed anguish, which occasionally broke up into a +snuffle. She was sustained, however, as has been seen, in her trials, by a +few benevolent Puddleford ladies, who had most magnanimously followed her +and her case, reckless of time and money, and who said, "they meant to see +the end on't, cost what it might." + +Miss Beadle and _her_ friends were a very different-looking tempered body. +They were charged to the brim with acid and red pepper. They looked and +felt lightning, and any one could see at a glance that they meant to fight +as long as there was a hair of their friend left. It was generally +understood that they had agreed to "throw in around" and help Miss Charity +out, and her case had now, of course, become their case, and Bates was as +much their lawyer as Miss Beadle's lawyer--and Turtle, when he got +"ramptious," was jest as "sassy" to them as he was to the court, or Miss +Beadle, they said--"and if they were not greatly mistaken, he'd see the day +that he'd repent on't." + +The women who composed these two hostile factions got into several +side-fights between themselves, what Ike called "collateral ish-ers"--and +twitted each other of a dozen or more dead and buried slanders, which had +for a long time been forgotten. Mrs. Bird gave Aunt Sonora a regular +"runnin' over," as she call'd it--"a piece of her mind, that would last her +as long as she liv'd." She told Aunt Sonora, who was one of Miss Filkins's +body-guard, that "she was a _pretty_ old woman to come up _thar_ and try to +screen that Filkins _critter_--_she'd better_ stick up for _her_--she was a +_nice_ old woman--a _handsum_ old woman--a _beau_-tiful old woman--she'd +better be home a-takin' care on her children--she'd better be a mendin' her +husband's old breeches--it would look a great deal better. What if Filkins +had lied as much about her, or her old man, she'd ask her that. Guess'd +she'd make the fur fly some--guess'd she wouldn't-er stood it no longer +than other folks--guess'd she couldn't get along without a character +better'n other people--guess'd she hadn't got any too much to brag on, +anyhow, if reports were true--s'pose she should rake up all she'd heer'd +about _her_, and go tellin' it round arter everybody, where would _she_ be. +Bah! how I hate sich folks," she continued, putting on one of her most +contemptible faces, and spitting like a mad cat, at Aunt Sonora. + +Aunt Sonora was a philosopher on such occasions. She knew the storm would +soon blow over, and that Mrs. Bird would be "round," to take tea with her, +in less than a week--so she took a quiet pinch of snuff, and told Mrs. Bird +in reply, that "she'd call onto the court, if she cut any more of her +antics round her--she ought-er recollect she was in the high court, and +they didn't 'low any flabbergastin' in sich places; she'd be in jail +quicker'n scart first thing she know'd, and her hull pack with her, if they +didn't keep mighty mum. She wasn't in Puddleford now, _she'd_ find, if she +let her mouth spit bile at that rate." + +Mrs. Bird sobered down. + +Squire Longbow was also present, to see the end of this famous suit. The +Squire usually followed his cases into the county court, "to look arter +'em," as he said, "and to explain things." He was dressed in his best suit +of homespun, and also had on his most dignified air. He did not even wince +during the scathing Turtle gave him and his return, feeling perfectly sure +that he couldn't be hurt by any country 'torney in the upper courts. He +"ray-ther thought he was known thar." The county judge, in a very summary +and careless manner, decided, "the p'ints Mr. Turtle had raised warn't +good; they were all agin the return of the justis'; and he must pay respect +to the lower courts." + +(Here Squire Longbow drew his pocket handkerchief and blew his nose like a +trumpet, to call the attention of the by-standers to the decision.) + +He would repeat--this for the benefit of the Squire, evidently--"they were +all agin the return of the justis', who was an old magistrate, and had did +a great deal of business." + +(Here the Squire bowed his head, by way of assent, to the court.) + +"The court orter say, further, that Mr. Turtle's affidavit was _sworn_ to, +and how he could have sworn to such an affidavit, right agin the return of +the justis', was mor'n he know'd; perhaps Mr. Turtle know'd _himself_, and +could inform the court." + +Mr. Turtle said that was _his_ business. Mr. Turtle spoke very short, for +he was greatly nettled. + +The court said, "it didn't make any difference--it warn't neither here nor +thar--the p'ints were all squashed, and that was his decision; costs to go +agin Turtle." + +"Agin Turtle," exclaimed Ike, rising, "costs agin Turtle!" + +"Agin Turtle's _client_," said the court, correcting himself. + +"That sounds a leetle more like a court of justis'," added Ike; "but it was +a bull-head decision, he would say that, if he rotted in jail for contempt, +that is, if anybody could commit contempt agin such a bass-wood-headed +court, as this had got-ter be!" + +A jury was now about to be impanelled to try the case between Filkins and +Beadle a second time, and this was no small matter. The whole county had +heard of this remarkable suit, and had talked about it, and each person had +allied himself or herself to the parties. A very small matter will throw a +new country into a tempest of excitement, as a very few matters of +importance exist to get excited about. When the panel was filled, and the +clerk had announced that fact to the court, Ike saw, or thought he saw, +some of the most violent Beadle men in the county among the number. He had +only two peremptory challenges, and if he could not remove some of them for +"_cause_," as the books say, "he was gone up," as he thought to himself. + +Mr. Buzzlebaum, a hickory-headed farmer, with short hair, which stuck up +all over his head like a porcupine's quills, was a very dangerous man. Ike +knew he was a bachelor, and he had been strongly suspected of "paying some +attention" to Miss Beadle; so Ike put a few questions to Mr. Buzzlebaum. + +"Mr. Buzzle_baum_," exclaimed Ike, "you a juryman in this case?" + +Mr. Buzzlebaum said he was. + +"Y--e--s," drawled Ike, "so I see," as if he had got on the panel +fraudulently some way. + +"Know Miss Beadle?" + +"Yes!" + +"You do know the 'oman then?" + +"Yes!" + +"Sot up at her house any?" + +"Sot up!" + +"Yes, sot up; don't you know what that is by this time, at your time-er +life, Mr. Buzzlebaum?" + +"Well, what of it?" asked Mr. Buzzlebaum. + +"What--of--it! Je-ru-sa-lem!" exclaimed Ike, slapping a book on the table, +and looking fury at the court. "The man says 'what of it?'--sittin' up with +the defendant _nights_ a-courtin' her, and then wants to know what of it? +Wouldn't he be a pretty man to try this case?" + +"Sot up _where_?" inquired Buzzlebaum. + +"How do _I_ know where! Ever talk of marryin' the 'oman, hey?" + +"_Wal!_" heaved Buzzlebaum. + +"No wals here; you're sworn now; out with it. Didn't you tell old Soper, if +she warn't so old and rusty-like, you'd strike, hit or miss? What, sir?" + +"Wal!" groaned Buzzlebaum again. + +"Guilty as a dog; won't answer; is a-goin'-ter die game, right inter the +face of the court," exclaimed Ike. + +Mr. Buzzlebaum began to scratch his head, and just got an idea of what "sot +up" meant, and declared, "he'd never sot up with Miss Beadle, nor nobody +else, but he warn't goin' to answer any more questions;" and asking another +juryman for his hat, which stood among a huddle of hats outside the +jury-box, "leaned" for the door, amid the cries of the court, clerk, Bates, +&c., of "hold on," "don't go," "stop him," "bring him back, sheriff," &c. +But Buzzlebaum didn't return. + +The next juryman who Ike thought was "_dang_-rous," was Mr. Tumbleton. + +"Mr. Tumbleton," exclaimed Ike, "form'd or 'spressed any 'pinion in this +case?" + +"No, sir!" + +"Hain't form'd _nor_ 'spressed any?" + +"No, sir!" + +"Hain't said that you hop'd the old maid would come out hunk?" + +"No, sir!" + +"Hain't said that Turtle was a jackass for pushin' on this 'ere suit?" + +"No, sir!" + +"Hain't thought he was?" + +"Sir?" + +"Pretty clus questions," said Mr. Tumbleton, balancing on one leg, and +looking thoughtfully up at the ceiling. + +"Now don't you think--and haven't you _said_, that Turtle was a jackass for +pushin' on this suit?" inquired Ike, rising from his chair. + +"No, sir!--haven't said any such thing." + +"Don't you _think_ he is, is the question, Mr. Tumbleton?" + +"Think you are a jackass!" repeated the juror. + +"Yes, sir!" + +"Very likely I do." + +Mr. Turtle submitted to the court, if that "warn't 'nough to break him from +sittin'." + +Mr. Bates said, "the man show'd his good sense--best juryman on the whole +panel." + +The court thought the juryman was entitled to his own opinion; it was not +pos-i-_tive_ proof that Turtle was a jackass 'cause the juryman might have +thought so; shouldn't drive him out the box for that. + +"Ever been in state-prison?" continued Turtle, resuming the examination. + +"S--i--r!" ejaculated Mr. Tumbleton, moving towards Ike, with his arm +raised. + +"_Or_, in the county jail," added Ike, almost in time, and cocking his eye +saucily at Mr. Tumbleton. + +Mr. Tumbleton rushed upon Ike, and upset him, before Ike knew that he +really was in danger. + +Mr. Turtle rose in a very unruffled manner for him, and asked the court, +"if sich a contempt as that was to go unnoticed--a reg'lar admitted 'torney +assaulted right inter the face of the court--he moved that Mr. Tumbleton be +confined in the log jail for twenty-four hours--out of respect to his honor +the court." + +The judge ordered Mr. Tumbleton to be confined, and thus the second juror +was disposed of. + +"You live up on Poverty Common--don't you?" continued Ike, as if nothing +had happened, addressing himself to a runt of a man, who looked as if he +had been on short feed, and who had strayed on the jury no one knew how. + +"Yes, I _do_," answered the man. + +"_Your_ name is Flummer?" + +"_Flum_ what?" inquired the juror. + +"Flum-_mer_," answered Ike, tartly. + +"Well, whose business is that, if it is?" + +"Mine," said Ike. "Wasn't old Zeb Flummer your grandfather?" + +"Old Zeb? yes." + +"Didn't old Zeb Flummer marry old Sally Beadle?" + +"That's what they say." + +"And wasn't old Sally Beadle, Charity Beadle's grandmother?" + +"S'pose so," said Flummer. + +"Well, sir, you can just step out," said Turtle; "the statert cuts you +short-bob-off; no blood relatives sit here." And the court seemed to +assent, and Flummer left--nine jurymen remaining in the box. + +Bates "knocked off" three more for "causes," leaving six; and by this time +the first day was about exhausted. Talesmen were picked up from the +by-standers to supply the places of the "missing," and the court adjourned. + +On the next day, Ike opened the cause in his best style. He gave a +biography of Philista Filkins, and dwelt upon her ups and downs in this +mortal life. "He _did_ s'pose, that if there ever _was_ a woman that had +grief, and _stood_ it, too, 'twas his client, and she was nothin' but a +woman, nuther. She lik'd to gone off with the measles when she was a child, +and had been puny-like ever since; her father was kill'd by an oak-tree +'fore she could do anythin' for herself, down on the Catta-_ra_-gus, +leaving a pile of young-uns, he didn't know how many. Her father warn't +rich, but that warn't neither here nor thar; he was honest, and paid up his +debts afore he died, to the last cent; he was a man that struggled a good +deal for a livin', but he got it; allers kept a stiff upper lip, as tho' +the skies were bright, and the sailin' good. Arter he died, they were a +most distress_ed_ family. His client, 'bout the year--'bout the year--[Ike +stopped and scratched his head]--'bout the year--[he had forgotten when, +and turning, exclaimed to Aunt Sonora], When in _thun_der was it that Miss +Filkins came inter the settlement?" + +"_Wal_, now, let me think," answered Aunt Sonora,--"Brumijim's youngest boy +died--died--when _did_ he die?--but no matter--but when we bought our +brindle cow--we got her of old lame Gosander, and I recollect jist as well +as if it was yesterday, that when my boy Jim was drivin' off that 'ere cow +from Gosander's--one warm spring mornin'--that he tell'd me, arter he got +home, that he met some _strang_-ers on the road--and I axed him who they +were? And Jim said--" + +"When--in thunder--_was_ it?" ejaculated Ike again, who hung suspended in +the middle of his speech, while the old lady was fogging away over the +history of the past. + +"I was jist a-goin' to tell you! You needn't get so fluster'd 'bout it," +answered Aunt Sonora--"where was I--O, yes! Jim said, when I axed him--that +_he_ didn't know who they were--guess'd 'twas sumbody that was movin' in to +settle--he tell'd me that the woman had on an old legun bunnit--and +arterwards I found out that _that_ very woman was Philista Filkins. Now +you've got it," concluded Aunt Sonora. + +As Ike was no wiser than he was before, and he could not wait to +investigate the point any further, he proceeded: "At any rate, his client +came inter Puddleford, and had been one of the fust 'mong 'em ever sin'. He +warn't goin' to repeat what he said afore the court below, _now_, he would +wait 'til he summ'd up. He warn't goin' to say nothin' 'bout the unspotted +character of his client; he warn't goin' to say nothin' 'bout the defendant +nuther. He warn't a-goin' to say how she would lie, nor how she went around +a-backbitin' everybody she could get a dab at; there were twenty persons +within the sound of his voice that know'd that--that know'd the woman like +a book." + +"Yes, sir-_ee_!" exclaimed a voice from the crowd, being one of Filkins' +supporters. + +"Silence!" roared the court. + +"You hear _that_, don't you, gentle_men_? They know her like a book." + +"No! he warn't goin' to say anythin' 'bout the defendant now. He _might_ +say enough 'bout her to blow her sky-high; perhaps she wouldn't _steal_, he +didn't think she would, but folks who _do_ lie, will steal; but she hadn't +stole nothin' _yet_, as he know'd on; he warn't goin' to _say_ so 'tany +rate;" and thus Ike rambled on for more than an hour before the jury, in +the opening of his cause, touching upon almost everything connected with +the rise of Puddleford, and closed by saying, "That they only claimed ten +dollars damages; but 'twern't the money they were arter; 'twas the great +principle; his client scorned money as pay for _her_ character; she'd never +touch a cent on't so long as her name was Filkins--and he might as well say +that he, as her counsel, had 'vised her to give every jot on't to some +relig_us_ institution, or to orphin children, and she'd _do_ it too--catch +her takin' that money!" + +Bates occupied about as much time as Turtle did in opening for the defence; +the law permitting both counsel to open together, if they chose to do so; +and he finished his speech by reading Squire Longbow's return to the jury, +which he said was more full than anything he could say. + +The trial went forward. But I shall not attempt to detail the vicissitudes +which accompanied it for two days. Every question and every answer was +objected to, and entered by the court formally on the record. The lie was +given backward and forward a dozen times or more; the court had often been +obliged to interfere through the sheriff--all the witnesses on the part of +the plaintiff were impeached by the defendant's witnesses, who swore their +reputation for truth and veracity was bad, and that they would not believe +them under oath; all the witnesses on the part of the defendant were also +impeached for the same reason. Of course the reputation of the witnesses +had been utterly destroyed before the trial came on, and long before, by +each backbiting the other; and when the trial closed, and the arguments +were ended, the case, if it could have been painted, would have looked very +much like a militia training, without beginning, middle, or end, form or +substance, and the jury were about as wise as if they just awoke from a +hard nightmare. + +The court charged the jury--and _such_ a charge was never "fired off" by +any man outside of a new country. + +Some hundred "p'ints of la'" had been handed up by Turtle and Bates, which +they said must be noticed--but Turtle's law and Bates's law were in +conflict--but each one declared that _his_ law was _the_ law--and they +were, they said, ready, if necessary, to swear to it before any tribunal. + +The judge went off with his charge upon the same principle that a man fires +an old musket into a tree, where he supposes a bird is concealed. Some of +the shot must hit, and the rest won't do any harm, anyhow. + +He told the jury that _he_ had got somethin' to say now--he was the judge +of the court, and the jury must pay special attention to what he had to +offer. 'Torneys were paid for their talk, and the jury could believe 'em +jest so far as they were a mind-ter and no furder--the law come from +him--if he made a mistake in the law, it was none of the jury's business, +that would be straightened out somewhere else, by some_body_ else. He +would proceed now. The action was trespass. + +"Not by a long shot!" said Turtle, rising. + +"Or," continued the judge, "a-kinder trespass--it was one woman a-tryin' to +carry away another woman's character. Now, gentlemen, there has been a +great deal of evidence in _this_ case, and it don't all 'mount to much +nuther--" + +"'Cept to that part of the charge!" exclaimed Ike. "'Don't 'mount to much +nuther." + +"That is," continued the judge, "there ain't much on't to the p'int--and +when evidence ain't to the p'int, the court will knock it outer the case, +if a row of 'ceptions is filed as long as the moral law. Now take the +impeaching testimony--what does that all amount to?--why just +this:--Filkins' witnesses don't believe Beadle's witnesses, and so they +swear--Beadle's witnesses don't believe Filkins' witnesses, and so _they_ +swear--and so the witnesses on one side are just as good as the witnesses +on t'other side, and you must believe them _all_, just as fur, gentlemen of +the jury, as if none of 'em had been impeached; and the court tells you so. +Any objection to _that_, Mr. Turtle?" + +Turtle said nothing. + +"No objection to that, then. Now, then, gentlemen, the defendant below set +off slanderous words agin slanderous words she had used agin the plaintiff, +and I let it in agin here, and Mr. Turtle objected. Gentlemen of the jury, +Mr. Turtle _would_ object, of course--he is 'torney for plaintiff, but I +tell you the set-off is _law_, and I agree with Squire Longbow, who let it +in. It was right." + +Squire Longbow drew his handkerchief and blew a heavy blast out of his nose +at this compliment. + +"Now, then, gentlemen, slander is slander--you all know what slander is--as +I said before, it is slander--it ain't refusing to pay one's debts--it +ain't 'zactly takin' one's property--though character is a kinder +property--it ain't stealin'--but--but--it is slander--if you lie 'bout me, +'tis slander--if I lie 'bout you, 'tis slander--if anybody lies 'bout +anybody, 'tis slander--it don't matter _what_ anybody says 'bout anybody, +if 'tis a lie, 'tis slander. You can now see, gentlemen of the jury, what +slander is--how the law looks at slander--how it is laid down in the books. +This action is for slander--and if I should examine all the books, and go +inter the hull subject fully, you would not know any more 'bout slander, +gentlemen, than you know 'bout slander now. Any objection to that, Mr. +Turtle?" + +No objection was raised. + +"Now, then," continued the court, "you're to look the evidence all over, +and if you b'lieve the plaintiff has slandered the defendant--I say, _if_ +you b'lieve it--the court has its own notions on _that_ subject too--but +'tain't for the court to say--I say, _if_ you b'lieve, gentlemen, the +plaintiff _has_ slander'd the defendant--if you b'lieve it upon your +oaths--you're under oath, gentlemen--you should never forget you're under +oath, gentlemen--very solemn duty, gentlemen, you've got-to perform--I say +_if_--after looking all the testimony all over, you b'lieve it on your +oaths--why, then, gentlemen, the court tells you, gentlemen, that you must +render a verdict for the plaintiff, gentlemen, you must. But if, +gentlemen--and here comes the p'int--the great p'int for you to consider, +gentlemen, under oath--if you b'lieve the defendant has _not_ slandered the +plaintiff, gentlemen--it's a hard charge, slander is, gentlemen--if you +b'lieve the defendant has not slandered the plaintiff, why, then, render +the verdict for the defendant. Mr. Clerk, swear an officer to take charge +of this jury." + +The jury retired and deliberated one day and one night--but could not +agree. They returned into court, and were again charged on some law points, +about which they differed, they said--they retired again, and after +quarrelling another half a day, came into court once more, and declared +they differed this time about the evidence. The court set them right upon +the particular disputed point of testimony, as _he_ understood it, when +they appeared a third time, and the foreman announced that they could not +agree any way, and they wouldn't go out again for the court, or anybody +else--and thus forever was ended the famous trial between Filkins and +Beadle. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII. + + Amusements in Puddleford.--The Highland Fling.--A Fire-eater + comes next.--Runs a Sword down his Throat.--Starts his + Ribbon Factory.--Borrows Squire Longbow's Hat.--Boils Eggs + in it.--The Squire gets into a Passion.--The Grand Caravan + is posted.--Squire Longbow lectures on the Lion.--Bigelow + Van Slyek follows on the Ichneumon--The Caravan + arrives.--Great Excitement.--Jim Buzzard still + himself.--Aunt Sonora in Trouble.--The Band blows away.--The + Canvas is raised.--Terrible Press of Puddlefordians.--The + Keeper shows up the Lion.--Explains why he has no Hair.--The + Ichneumon is found at last--The Monkey Ride.--Breaking up. + + +The amusements of a new country are on a scale with everything else. As +every people are set to some scale, from the most refined and luxurious, to +the most rustic and simple, that scale is always preserved in whatever may +exist. Puddleford was not without its public amusements. It was not beyond +the reach of strolling vagabonds, and impudent mountebanks. These troops, +like light, penetrate every quarter of the globe, and, of course, visited +Puddleford. + +One of the first exhibitions which wormed its way among the Puddlefordians +was made up of a drunken Irishman and a vixen of a woman, a cracked fiddle +and a greasy fife, all of whom and which performed the "Highland fling" +with variations and other tunes as the man declared (there were no bills), +in full costume. The Highlander was drunk, and the woman was out of +temper; the fiddle was crazy, and the fife could scarcely squeak. The +performance opened with the "Highland fling," was succeeded by the +"Highland fling," continued by the "Highland fling," and closed by a grand +display of the "Highland fling." This exhibition being the first that ever +found its way into the settlement, everybody was delighted. Aunt Sonora +said, "she didn't b'lieve there war any such Highlanders--nor any such +flings nuther--but the music was very purty, say what they would." + +After the Irishman and woman departed, and their memory had nearly faded +out, a "fire-eater" came on, and positively turned Puddleford nearly +topsy-turvy. He was certainly a most ferocious character. He boiled eggs in +a hat, hatched chickens, ate tow, and pulled out ribbons from his mouth; +swallowed swords, point foremost, burned all the handkerchiefs in the room, +and restored them to their owners again; and did divers more astonishing +things, which completely upset the brains of the Puddlefordians, and they +began to think, before he finished, that he was fresh from the infernal +regions, and had been sent on by Satan himself. + +There had never been such a crowd collected at Puddleford for any purpose +as assembled to see the wonderful performance of this fire-eater. Mrs. +Bird, Mrs. Longbow, Mrs. Beagle, Mrs. Swipes, Aunt Sonora, and a few more +of the female aristocracy of Puddleford, occupied the front seats, which +were covered with green baize, as a mark of respect and distinction. The +background was composed of a very miscellaneous sort of people--Jim Buzzard +being in the extreme rear, perched upon a barrel. + +It was exceedingly fearful to hear the screams of the women, when the +performer had a sword half down his throat. + +"What is the man a-goin'-ter to do?" exclaimed Mrs. Bird. + +"O, murder!--mur-_der_!" screamed Aunt Sonora, jumping from her seat. + +"O, twitch it out quick--he's _cho_-kin'!" gasped Mrs. Swipes. + +"See him!--see him!" exclaimed a dozen voices at once. "Stop him!" "Run!" +"'Tis goin' right straight inter his throat." "He's dyin'! How his eyeballs +glare!" "Squire Longbow!--Squire Longbow!--run--run--you're a peace +officer--don't see him die!" "There! O, dear me--'tis gone down--it's outer +sight--he's swaller'd it _now_." "He's got it inter him, mor'n three feet +long." "How it must cut!" "There--there!" "I see it--he's pullin' it up +agin." "I can jest see the tip end of the handle--but there ain't no blood +on't." "How can he get it out?" "Well, if it ain't a comin' right out, I +wouldn't say so, handle and all!" "O, dear me--whoever heer'd of a man +swallerin' a sword afore!" "How his in'ards must feel!" And so on, keeping +the house in a tempest of noise and alarm. + +When the performer, however, began to make ready to run his "ribbon +factory," as he called it, the women recovered from their fright, and were +in high glee, particularly during the preliminary remarks, and during the +tow-stuffing exercises. He was, beyond all question, a very funny man, and +said a host of very funny things. He threw himself into many strange +shapes, twisted his face out of form--looked gay and looked solemn by +turns, and kept the house in a continual burst of merriment. + +Mrs. Bird declared "she should die a _lafin_'." + +Aunt Sonora said "it _did_ seem as if her sides would split right open." + +Mrs. Swipes said "she know'd that it _did_ beat all--he was the oddest +critter that ever com'd into the settlement." + +Ike Turtle said "he was _sum_, if not more." + +Bates declared "he must stay over another night." + +Squire Longbow said but little. He sat and shook his sides. "It was as good +as anything he ever see'd down on-ter the Susquehannas. He was so glad the +man had come so far jist to amuse 'em a little." + +But when the man began deliberately to light up the tow, and to set his +mouth all in a blaze, the screams commenced again. + +"He will blow up--he will blow up!" said one. + +"He's all-on-a fire!" another. + +"How the sparks do fly out of his mouth!" + +"'Tis fire! 'Tis _raal_ fire!" + +"O--d-e-a-r!" + +"Take him some _wa_-ter!" + +"I say, _mister_--mister," exclaimed Mr. Longbow, who had become really +frightened, and who could sit still no longer, when he saw the man +positively burning up--"Did you really mean to set that _tow_ on fire? +Don't it _burn_, mister? Don't you want some help? I say, sir, mis-_ter_!" + +The man answered by blowing a stream of sparks out of his mouth straight at +the Squire, who started back in terror, and overset Mrs. Longbow, who +uttered an unearthly scream. + +The fire flickered out at last, and order was restored. + +This was followed by the "ribbon factory," and the man pulled a pile of +them out of his mouth, of all sizes and colors, and scattered them around +his feet in the most reckless manner. + +"Don't tromp on 'em," said Aunt Sonora. + +"He ought to be _keer_ful on 'em," said another. + +"If Whistle & Sharp only sold sich ribbons," another. + +"And to think," continued Mrs. Bird, "they come right out on him, too." + +"He keeps 'em in his _butes_," roared Turtle. + +"They don't come out of his _butes_ at all," said Aunt Sonora; "they're all +in his _mouth_." + +"He didn't put 'em _in_ his butes," said Mrs. Swipes; "how could they come +out on 'em?" + +"Put 'em in 'fore he come," said Turtle. + +"I say, mister," inquired Squire Longbow, who wished to settle the disputed +point for the benefit of all, "did you put them 'are ribbons inter yer +butes 'fore you come?" + +The man cocked his eye, and kept pulling away. + +The Squire looked indignant. + +"Ask him if they are raal ribbons," said Aunt Sonora. + +"I say, mister," stammered the Squire, again rising, "are them 'are raal +ribbons?" + +The man still pulled. + +"Won't answer no questions!" exclaimed the Squire, and he sat down. The +ribbon factory at last ran out. + +The only other exercise of importance was cooking eggs in a hat. The +performer had borrowed the Squire's hat in the most polite way possible, +saying, "he would confer a great favor upon him for the loan of it for a +few moments; it would so much aid him in his feats. It was just _the_ hat +he wanted--it was sometimes difficult for him to find just _the_ hat--but +the Squire's hat filled his eye to a dot." + +Now the Squire's hat was the most remarkable hat in all Puddleford. It was +a broad-brimmed affair, "raal beaver," he said, which he'd worn mor'n +twenty years. He bought it down on the "Susquehannas," and had watched it +with sacred care ever since he had owned it. He wore it on Sunday, Fourth +of July, on town-meeting days, and on all special occasions. He kept it the +rest of the time in a closet in the "_cham_-ber," covered with a piece of +"ile-cloth," which was about as ancient as the hat. There was one grease +spot on it, and only one, and there was not a man, woman, or child in the +settlement who did not know how it "come on," for the Squire had detailed +the circumstances that led to the catastrophe, a hundred times. + +The hat was set upon the floor, and the performer brought out a basket of +eggs, and bowing gracefully, holding one in his hand at the same time, said +he would cook a dozen in that hat, pointing to the Squire's hat +significantly. + +"S-i-r!" exclaimed the Squire. + +"Keep easy, sir!" said the man. + +"In--my--hat!" + +"Yes, sir! in your _hat_!" + +"In my _beaver_ hat?" + +"Yes, sir!" + +"Cook _eggs_?" + +"Yes, sir! _Cook_ 'em!" + +"That hat!" + +"Yes, sir! I say _that_ hat!" + +"Down in front!" exclaimed Turtle; "can't see." + +"That hat!" gasped the Squire again. + +"He's gummin' you," roared Turtle; "can't cook eggs in a hat. Down in +front!" + +Squire Longbow was very much excited, and had turned very red in the face. +He could not help but think what his first wife would say if she was +there--what she would say if she saw that hat with eggs "a-bilin'" in +it--but perhaps the showman was "a-tryin'" to scare him, as Turtle said--he +would wait a little and watch him closely. + +"And now," said the performer, "examine this egg--it is a real egg--and now +you see me break it--and now it is broke--and now," cracking it apart with +his thumb nails, and looking down into the Squire's hat--"there _it goes_!" + +"Twenty-five dollars! twenty-five dollars for that!" ejaculated the Squire, +filled with fury, and jumping towards the performer, with his fist doubled, +and his teeth firm set. "You're a great scoundrel, sir--you _borrow'd_ that +hat, sir--you borrowed it of me, sir--it is _my_ hat, sir, that you've got, +sir--my name is Longbow, sir--_Squire_ Longbow, sir--that's my beaver hat, +sir--twenty years old, sir--cost ten dollars, sir!" + +"And there goes another," continued the performer, amid the stamping and +roars of the audience, popping another egg into the Squire's hat, in the +coolest manner possible, disregarding the tempest around him. + +"I call upon Mr. Turtle to witness!" continued the Squire; "I'll ish-er a +warrant for you, sir--I'll have you up, sir--before _me_, sir--you can't +_pay_ me for that 'ere hat, sir--you'll be imprison'd--you'll go to jail, +sir--you won't spile any more people's hats, sir--you won't bile eggs, +arter this, sir--it's your last bilin', sir--" + +By this time the smoke was rising out of the Squire's hat and curling away +towards the ceiling, and the smell of cooked eggs was waxing strong in the +nostrils, and the hat, so they all said, was "gone for sartin." + +"La!" exclaimed Aunt Sonora, as she saw the fate of the hat, "what wicked +critters these performers are; sit right down and burn up a hat--a-bilin' +eggs in it!" + +The performer returned Squire Longbow's hat, after he had concluded his +wonderful experiment of cooking eggs, but the old man looked upon it with +suspicion. He turned it over and over, and smelled of it, but declared, at +last, that it was his old beaver, and jest as good as new; whereupon he +apologized for his getting into a passion, and gave as a reason, that it +"was the first time he ever saw the trick done--but now he know'd the man +was a gentleman, every inch on him." + +But the most remarkable exhibition that ever fell upon Puddleford occurred +after this. A caravan of wild animals, about the autumnal days, took +Puddleford in its way. It was called the _grand_ caravan. Quite a flaming +poster preceded the animals themselves. The bill was indeed a very +attractive-looking affair. There was a lion and a tiger painted on it, at a +dead lock. The lion, it appeared, had opened the tiger's bowels, and the +tiger had opened the lion's bowels--the lion had torn the tiger's head, and +the tiger had torn the lion's head--these two furious beasts seemed to be +about on an equal footing. An elephant was also portrayed in a very stately +manner, carrying a house full of people on his back, who were armed to the +teeth, for some unknown purpose, and who also supported a stern-looking +gentleman, seated upon his tusks, who carried a long pole in his hand. +Monkeys of all sizes were scattered around the picture. Some climbing +trees, some chattering higher up in the branches, and some cutting curious +antics, evidently for the gratuitous amusement of the public who might +choose to look on. This bill was posted up at the Eagle, and it created a +very great excitement throughout Puddleford and the adjacent country. +Scores of people came in from "round about," to wonder over and digest this +wonderful "picter." Aunt Sonora, Mrs. Swipes, Mrs. Bird, Mrs. Beagle, Mrs. +Longbow, and their husbands, the "Colonel," Bigelow Van Slyck, Jim Buzzard, +and scores of ragged children, pressed into the bar-room, day after day, +and "Oh'd" and "Ah'd" over it. All kinds of comments were made by the +multitude. The origin, history, habits, and ferocity of the animals were +sagely discussed and settled. Squire Longbow, among the rest, told +wonderful stories about the "roar" of the lion--how he "shak't the whole +woods, when he got his wrath up, and made all the other animals run and +hide themselves--he said they'd all have to stop their ears if that feller +(pointing to the said lion on the show-bill) giv' 'em a blast--he heer'd +one roar onct, down onter the Susquehannas, and he shouldn't forget it the +longest day _he_ lived." + +Aunt Sonora inquired of Squire Longbow, "where lions came from, and how +they got 'em here, and if they were _dang_-rous animals, and would bite +people." + +The Squire drew a long a-hem! stretched out his legs, and looked very wise, +for he thought if there was anything that he _did_ know about, it was about +lions. He recollected just how that lion looked that he saw down on the +Susquehannas. He knew, too, that there was no other person in Puddleford +that could throw any light upon the subject of lions. So the Squire began +in the most profound manner to answer Aunt Sonora. "The lion," said the +Squire, "the great African lion--jist sich a lion as you see on that 'ere +bill--inasmuch as you have axed me, I tell you, comes from the jungles of +the torrid zone." + +Mr. Bates wanted to know what "a jungle was, while he was about his lion +story?" + +"A jungle--a jungle," continued the Squire, coughing in his embarrassment; +"a jungle--is--a--place--a kind-er cave, where the lions go, deep inter the +airth, and where they can growl and roar, without disturbin' anybody." + +"Inter the _airth_?" exclaimed Turtle; "how do they catch 'em, then?" + +"How do they ketch 'em?--how do they ketch 'em?" exclaimed the Squire; "how +do _I_ know?--how can _I_ tell?--_I've_ never been in Africa--I was only +tellin' how the lions liv'd." + +Mrs. Bird asked the Squire what the lions ate? + +"Anything they can get," answered the Squire, very philosophically; "they +ain't 'tall particular." + +"Don't eat grass, do they?" + +The Squire said he "shouldn't be s'prised if they did." + +"Do they eat up men and women?" + +"_Wal_," answered the Squire, "to tell you the plain truth, I s'pose they +do." + +"O Lordy!" exclaimed Mrs. Bird. "Ugh! how he looks!" + +During all this time the young Puddlefordians, dirty and barefooted, who +had crowded themselves into a corner in a distant part of the room, were +filled with terror during the Squire's sage remarks, and fairly trembled +for their safety. + +Jim Buzzard took occasion to say that "he s'posed the an-_er_-mals _would_ +bite, but he warn't goin' to be scart, if they had 'em fasten'd in +cages--but if they were goin' ter run loose, he'd be gaul-blasted if they +seed him round thar when they com'd--he'd jest let 'em know he warn't +a-goin' to be eat up by their lions and elephuntses--he didn't care nothin' +'bout their monkeys--he warn't 'fraid of them, nohow--but them 'are +lions--what _teeth_ they have got--O! mighty!--guess'd they wouldn't ketch +him round them grinders." + +The bill, among other startling announcements, declared that "the +celebrated animal mentioned in Holy Writ, and now known as the Ichneumon," +would be exhibited--that it was the first time any company had ever +succeeded in carrying him so far into the interior, as he was very partial +to salt water, and suffered very much, and grew very faint and weak, when +removed any distance away from it. + +The showman had been very careful not to furnish a picture of the +Ichneumon, whose peculiarities had been so vividly portrayed in print, and +the Puddlefordians were in great doubt about his real appearance. There +were many curious speculations, and sage reflections indulged in by the +more learned portion of the crowd, about his origin and history. It was +very difficult, in the first place, to pronounce his name. + +Bigelow Van Slyck, who was a host at Puddleford in philology, attempted to +give the most correct pronunciation of the word. It was "_Ich_, something," +he said--"probably the whole word was taken from Ich--and that was an +animal that scratched himself--and yet he didn't believe this animal had +any hair--and it was only hairy animals that _did_ scratch themselves--and +the reason why he thought the animal hadn't any hair, was, that he must be +a salt-water animal--for the bill said he was mentioned in Holy Writ--and +also, that he couldn't live away from salt-water. He thought he knew +_sun_-thin' 'bout Holy Writ--he _thought_ he did--and sunthin' 'bout +animals, too--and if _he_ was to give his opinion, he should say the +Ichneumon was the great Le-_vi_-a-_thern_, that went into the mighty deep!" +(Here Bigelow raised upon his toes, and spread out his arms, as if to show +the crowd how big the great Le-_vi_-a-_thern_ was.) + +Bigelow's oration produced a very solemn effect on the Puddlefordians. The +idea that the great Leviathan, of Holy Writ, was really coming into their +midst, was a most astounding thought to every man, woman, and child +present. + +Mrs. Longbow, who was a member of Bigelow's church, as has been seen, +wanted to know "in what part of Holy Writ that 'are Ich-what-do-ye-call-it +was found?" + +Bigelow said it was somewhere--he couldn't 'zactly tell--it was either in +the _Old_ or _New_ Testament, he was very--"_sar_tin." + +Mrs. Longbow said "she'd never see'd it." + +Bigelow said "he'd never seen him nuther." + +Mrs. Longbow explained--"she'd never seen the animal in the _Holy Writ_." + +Bigelow thought, "if she'd look, she'd find it." + +Mrs. Longbow said "she'd look now." + +Bigelow said "he hadn't time _now_, but he'd look it up by next Sunday, and +preach on't." + +Turtle, who had been carefully watching Bigelow in his attempt to identify +the Ichneumon, and who had great respect for his opinion in all matters +connected with Holy Writ, thought he discovered a flaw in the argument. He +would "jest like to know how they could carry around a salt-water animal on +land?" + +Bigelow said "he warn't alive--he was stuff'd. It didn't say the celebrated +_live_ animal called the Ichneumen." + +"But it did say," replied Turtle, "that it was the first time they had +succeeded in carrying the animal so far in the interior." + +Bigelow was a little puzzled at this--but said, "he s'posed it was in great +danger of being stolen--but at any rate, the Ichneumen was the great +Levia_thern_, or some other--very--strange--animal,--_that_ he was sure +of." + +Squire Longbow, who had listened in the most dignified manner to all that +Bigelow had said, heaved a long sigh at his last remark, and declared that +Bigelow had, in his opinion, "s'plained the whole thing--and 'twas clear +'nough to him that the Ich-nu-men was the Viathen--'tany rate, he know'd +the Viathen was the Ich-nu-men." + +The excitement was very great from the time the bill was posted until the +grand caravan actually arrived. Very little else was talked about, or +thought of in Puddleford, and the region round about. Every business, and +every domestic and social arrangement had reference to the coming event. +Squire Longbow had declared, two weeks before the day fixed for the +performance, that no law business would be done in his office on show-day. +Turtle had issued a similar proclamation. Important financial arrangements +were everywhere matured to enable the Puddlefordians to "raise the wind," +so they might procure an entrance behind the canvas. The draft of ready +money upon the people threatened to be very disastrous, for the admission +was two shillings per head, children half price--cash down. + +The caravan was expected to arrive at about ten o'clock in the forenoon. +But the mighty multitude, who had some distance to travel, packed and +provisioned, and started on their way the day previous. Everybody was +determined to be on the ground when the first blow was struck. The morning +of the long-looked for period presented a spectacle more stirring and +sublime than anything which had ever been before known. Every man, woman, +and child was dressed in his or her best. Many had strained a point, and +appeared in a style so rich that they were scarcely known by their best +friends. And then, too, every person appeared to be so full of good humor +and smiles, that it really seemed to be the only desire of all to make each +other happy. Squire Longbow shone like a dollar. The old homespun coat and +beaver hat wore a new brightness about them; and, what was very unusual for +the Squire, he had procured a new hickory cane, and had cut "Longbow" upon +it, which very much added to his dignity. Turtle had actually mounted a +clean collar, which was one of the most remarkable occurrences of the +season. Jim Buzzard, however, had not met with any change, outwardly or +inwardly. He wore the same hat, coat, and boots that were found with him +when he was first seen sunning himself on a dry-goods box, one morning, in +the streets of Puddleford. The hat was a little more jammed up, and the +boots gaped a little wider--but he was still the same Jim Buzzard, and they +were still the same hat and boots. They bade fair to last as long as he +did. His garments seemed to have grown _to_ him, and to have become a part +_of_ him--to have formed a sort of attachment for him, and he really looked +as if he had been born with these very clothes on. + +Jim sauntered around and said nothing. Sometimes he might be seen perched +away off by himself upon a post, overlooking the crowd--sometimes stretched +out on a box in the sun, snoring, and making ready for the coming occasion. +He knew he would get in. He had no money, but he was a philosopher. He let +matters take care of themselves, and as he had always been provided for, he +felt perfectly satisfied that he always would be. + +Everybody inquired very particularly about everybody's family on that day; +and why shouldn't everybody inquire about everybody's family, for it was +the day of the great caravan, and everybody was of course overflowing with +joy. Mrs. Longbow assured Aunt Sonora, that "she would sartinly call on her +the very next afternoon;" and Aunt Sonora apologized for not having dropp'd +in to take tea with Mrs. Longbow, long afore. Mrs. Bird went so far as to +inquire of Mr. Longbow, "how his cousins," which she said she had heer'd +on, were gettin' along down on the Susquehannas--the only time before or +since that the old lady ever alluded to the Squire's cousins, down on the +Susquehannas, or anywhere else. + +The grand caravan at last appeared in the distance, preceded by a cloud of +dust, and heralded by distant strains of music. The shock was +electrical--the rush was immense. The boys ran, and turned somersets--the +men ran after the boys, and the women ran after the men. Jim Buzzard, +disturbed by the "noise and confusion," actually rolled off a box, where he +was dozing; crawled to his feet, and rubbed his eyes open with his fist. +The jam was really terrific--women lost portions of their dresses, men's +hats flew off, and somehow, in the hurly-burly and jam, Squire Longbow +missed his beaver hat, cane, and eye-shade. The Squire was in great mental +excitement, as well as in bodily danger. He panted for breath, and plodded +on the best way he could. Even a man of his distinction was not regarded on +that day. Among other trials and reverses, he found himself separated from +Mrs. Longbow, who, for anything he knew, was "trampled to death," +somewhere; and with one eye on the grand caravan, and the other (the blind +one) looking after his second wife, he hurried along, muttering to himself +like some mad animal. He was dashed on to Mr. Turtle in his progress, and +nearly upset that respectable legal gentleman. Mr. Turtle rose, filled with +wrath, and with drawn fist, and just saw his mistake in time before the +blow descended. "O, it's _you_, Squire!" said Mr. Turtle. Squire Longbow +asked Mr. Turtle where his wife was? Mr. Turtle, very much excited, said +something which the Squire did not understand, and pointed nowhere in +particular, and then bounded on after the grand caravan. The Squire, after +twisting and turning, and panting and blowing, and after having overturned +three or four innocent women, who happened to be in his way, found himself +at last out of the rush, in the corner of a rail fence, blowing his flushed +face with his best cotton handkerchief. When he came to himself, he began +to think. He recollected that he was a magistrate yet, and if anybody +_should_ steal his hat, cane, or his eye-shade, he muttered, "he'd bring +'em afore him by daylight next morning, he would--he'd have some kinder la' +in town, if _'twas_ caravan day." + +The fate of Aunt Sonora was about as melancholy as that of the Squire. She +was somehow drawn into the tide, and as the good old lady could not move +fast, the current that passed her on each side rolled her round and round, +as she stood, first one way and then the other, until she became completely +peeled of her outer clothes. Cries were jerked out of her in a spasmodic +way, as she could catch her breath. "Massy--massy! O, massy--me! +I'm--k-i-l-l-'d!" and many more heart-rending exclamations she uttered; but +it was the great caravan that was coming, and she was neither heard nor +heeded. When she escaped, she looked as if she had been plucked of all her +feathers; she, however, quietly slid into the house of Mrs. Longbow, which +was near by, for repairs. When she found herself able to speak, she +declared, "if _that_ was the _way_ the caravan was a-goin' to use folks, +she hop'd _lite_-ning would strike 'em 'fore they got out-er the +settlement--they'd sp'ilt her shillin' caliker dress, and she wouldn't gin +it for all the monkeys the confounded consarn had." + +But the caravan moved on regardless of accidents, and the music grew +stronger and stronger, as it approached nearer and nearer; and as the +breeze cast aside the dust, men, and horses, and wagons were seen moving +forward, solemnly preceded by an elephant, which carried a stately looking +gentleman upon his tusks, according to the representation on the bill. As +the procession approached the village, its extent and magnificence began to +dwindle. Alas! three wagons and one sickly-looking elephant comprised the +whole affair. The people were evidently very much disappointed. The bill +was a very large bill, and they did not see how it was possible for the few +vehicles that came into town, to hold all the live stock which had been +promised. + +Squire Longbow still stood in the corner of the rail fence, looking out for +the lion, for he had pledged his reputation to the Puddlefordians that the +lion should be all that he had promised. He didn't know whether he would +come on foot or not, housed or open; but the Squire saw no lion, nor any +place for one. + +Bigelow was busy sharply scenting out the "_Ich_-nu-men, celebrated in Holy +Writ," as the bill declared. He felt it to be his duty to take a kind of +guardianship over the Ich-nu-men, while he might favor Puddleford with his +presence, because he _was_ associated with Holy Writ; but Bigelow could not +find him anywhere, living or dead, kicking or stuffed. He was much +disappointed, but took courage from the hope that he was shut up from +vulgar gaze in one of the strong cages. + +The musicians still blowed their blast, as the cavalcade wound its way +through the principal streets. The bill declared that the band was the +celebrated "Boston Band," led by Monsieur Huzzleguget, and, according to +_that_, it was composed of some twenty-four performers, drawn by six fiery +steeds, attached to a Grecian chariot, driven by one elegant-looking +gentleman, heavily whiskered, who must have been some six feet high; but, +alas! the band itself that led on the animals through the streets of +Puddleford consisted of only four seedy-looking performers, who carried +three rusty copper horns and a bass drum, which was beat by a +melancholy-looking boy. The three horn-men had blown their faces as round +as pumpkins, and as red, too; or something besides wind, perhaps, had blown +the color into their faces, for they occasionally took something to drink, +during the heat of the exercises, from a bottle which they kept under the +seat of the chariot. + +The chariot was a large high-boarded wagon, and painted red, and was drawn +by a couple of jaded "tugs," who showed plainly enough that their days were +fast drawing to a close. But the music still blowed, and the procession +moved on, and the Puddlefordians were as much delighted as if the +proclamation had been fully realized. + +Up went the canvas, and the show prepared to open. The hurry to enter was +most marvellous--such a crowd Puddleford never saw before. Even Squire +Longbow could not wait until the doors were actually opened. He was +bewitched to see the great African lion. The Squire, as a peace-officer, +ordered the crowd to keep back, in reality for the purpose of giving him +and Mrs. Longbow a better chance; but the Squire's commands were entirely +disregarded; he had sunk down to the level of a mere citizen; he was +stripped of all his power; it was the great caravan day, and who cared for +a justice of the peace on such an occasion? + +Aunt Sonora having repaired the disasters of the forenoon, had determined +to see the fun out. She had put on her "'t'other frock," and looked as +well as she did before she had been peeled through the morning multitude. +The doors were opened at last, and the "rush" entered, and in a few moments +the canvas was alive with human beings. The grand caravan now on exhibition +was originally the fag-end of a large concern, which had been bought up by +sharpers to swindle the people. I say, originally, because this fag-end had +been divided up into three smaller fag-ends which were out in different +parts of the new country scouring around for money. The Puddleford fag-end +had a runt of a lion, who was very evidently on his last legs; for he had +been travelled until his hair was worn entirely off, and his spirits +exhausted. It was very clear that he was showing himself for about the last +time. The elephant was diseased, and the tiger was about four times the +size of a cat. There were three dirty-looking monkeys in a cage eating +crackers and hickory nuts, and chatting and throwing shucks through the +bars at the gaping crowd--an ichneumon--a black bear, the only hearty +fellow in the concern--and a mussy-looking ostrich, who had lost his +tail-feathers in his peregrinations through the globe. This was _the_ +caravan. + +Aunt Sonora entered, trembling.--"Dear me! dear me! dear me!" she uttered +to herself as she went in; "and so this is really the great caravan; if the +animals should get loose--and there--O, there--is that the lion!" she +exclaimed involuntarily to those around her, starting back, as she saw the +bars of a cage in the distance,--"are them bars iron?" she exclaimed, +looking frightened. + +"Walk up! walk up!" exclaimed the keeper, as he saw several persons +standing back; "the lion is one of the most docile animals we have, ladies +and gentlemen; he never bites, ladies and gentlemen; got him in a strong +cage; walk up, ladies and gentlemen, and see the _li_-on, the monarch of +the forest, as he is called." + +"How his eyeballs glare!" exclaimed Aunt Sonora, disregarding the peaceful +proclamation of the keeper, as the great African lion looked up lazily, and +brushed a fly from his nose with his fore-paw. + +"This African lion, ladies and gentlemen," continued the keeper, "is +fourteen years old; was caught in the great jungles of Ethiopia, by +throwing a _large_ rope around _his_ neck when he was _a_-sleeping, ladies +and gentlemen; he floundered a good deal, ladies and gentlemen, but he was +caught and brought away to the shores of Ameri-_ca_, where he has been ever +since. Nobody need be afear'd, for he never breaks out of his cage, and +always minds his keeper. Walk up _clo_-ser and look at the animal, ladies +and gentlemen." Here the keeper struck the iron bars of the cage a heavy +blow with a stick which he carried, but the great African lion took no +notice of it. + +"Don't be skeer'd," exclaimed Mrs. Swipes, who had listened attentively to +the assurances of the keeper, addressing herself to Miss Lavinia Longbow, +whom she held between herself and the great African lion, as a precaution; +"don't be skeer'd, he's one of the most docil_est_ animals in the whole +caravan, the keeper says; push along. Don't be skeer'd; go right up to +where he is a-lying." + +"This," exclaimed Squire Longbow, in a loud tone of voice, to a host of +Puddlefordians who had gathered around him for protection; "this is the +great lion I tell'd you about; he ain't so large as the one I onct saw +down onter the Susquehannas. Can he roar any, Mr. Keeper?" continued the +Squire, turning solemnly, and addressing himself to that august personage +with his usual dignity. + +"He's a perfect roarer, ladies and gentlemen!" answered the keeper; "but +the lion don't roar at this time of the year--you don't understand the +nater of the animal--he loses his voice during the latter part of the +season. You ought to have heard him last spring, when he was in the roaring +mood, ladies and gentlemen." + +"Bless us!" exclaimed Aunt Sonora. + +"Frightened the children half to death," said the keeper. + +"The great--African lion," muttered Aunt Sonora. + +"But he won't _roar_ now, ladies and gentlemen--walk up, walk up!" + +"Com'd from the jungles, I s'pose," inquired the Squire, with much gravity. + +"Caught right _in_ a jungle," said the keeper. + +"Jest as I told you!" said the Squire, turning around to his friends. + +"Has he got _claws_?" inquired Aunt Sonora. + +"_Claws!_" exclaimed the keeper, looking astonished; "the great--African +lion--got claws? Bless you! why he's _all_ claws and teeth; let me show +them to you;" and the keeper ran his arm into the cage, in the act of +pulling out one of the paws of the ferocious beast; when all Puddleford +started with a rush for the door, mingled with screams that were most +heart-rending. + +"Never mind," said the keeper, who had become affected by the terror around +him; "we won't show the lion's claws now." + +Order being restored, Mrs. Bird wanted to know why the lion "hadn't got any +_har_?" + +"Any _what_?" inquired the keeper, peering through the crowd to find where +the voice came from, and what it said. + +"Any _har_, Mr. Keeper." + +"Ah! O, yes--any _hair_--I see--it is a _lady_ who makes the inquiry. Why +the animal hasn't got any hair? Yes, yes, very proper inquiry. We like to +answer such questions, or _any_ questions. These animals are great +curiosities; and we travel for the instruction of the people. Why the +animal hasn't got any hair? Put all the questions you can think of, ladies +and gentlemen. The animal _hasn't_ got any hair just now. Well, ladies and +gentlemen, he has just shed his coat--the lion is the monarch of the +forest--_he_ sheds _his_ coat in the fall of the year, ladies and +gentlemen; _he's_ from Africa, where the animals shed their coats at a +different season from the animals in this country; and the lion does just +as he would do if he were in Africa now, ladies and gentlemen. A very +proper question that, ladies and gentlemen; the lion is a wonderful +beast--the most wonderful beast, ladies and gentlemen, we have. Any more +questions? He has shed his coat, you see; looks bad just now. A sight at +the lion alone is worth the whole admission money. Any more questions?" + +Mrs. Bird wanted to know of the keeper if he couldn't make him "snap and +snarl a little." + +As the lion could scarcely stand upon his legs, the request of Mrs. Bird +rather took the keeper aback for a moment. But he recovered himself and +proceeded. He said he _could_ do it--_did_ do it sometimes--but he didn't +like to do it. "You see, ladies and gentlemen, that he is very docile now; +resting _very_ quiet; nothing disturbs him; but if he should get once +roused up, there is no knowing what he would do; I have stirred him up upon +particular request, but I never do it of my own accord, ladies and +gentlemen. We don't propose to do any such thing on our bills; we don't +like to do such a thing; but we always mean to satisfy the public, ladies +and gentlemen." Here the keeper started for a long pole with a sharp spike +in the end of it, and returning with it in his hand, announced, "I will now +make the great African lion foam and rage, and gnash his teeth." + +A scream of terror went up from the whole multitude, filled with broken +ejaculations. "Murder!" "Don't!" "Let me out!" "Stop him!" and everybody +rushed in the wildest confusion a second time for the door. + +The keeper laid down his pole, and calmed the crowd. + +The exercises connected with the lion now closed. Turtle took advantage of +the interregnum to make an inquiry of his own. He had in his possession the +flaming poster that had so long hung at the Eagle, and amused and +astonished the Puddlefordians, and slowly unfolding it, he caught the eye +of the keeper, as he held it out at full length, and wished to know where +"all the monkeys were that were put on to that 'ere bill?" + +The keeper pointed to the monkeys' cage, where the three were, still +chewing nuts and crackers, and chattering and bobbing from one side to the +other. + +"Je-hos-a-phat!" exclaimed Turtle, "them _ar'_ ain't these 'ere +monkeys--there ain't but three on 'em, nuther, and they ain't climbing +trees, as these are--Je-hos-a-phat!--are _them_ your monkeys, Mr. Keeper?" + +The keeper said "he would explain. They were the same monkeys that the +gentleman found on the bill; the same monkeys in different attitudes. That +monkey, for instance, ladies and gentlemen," continued the keeper, pointing +his stick at a gray-bearded one in the cage, who was just then intently at +work pulling a sliver out of his foot, "that monkey is represented four or +five times on the bill in different forms, ladies and gentlemen; jumping +here, and climbing there, ladies and gentlemen; and in other places +performing those wonderful and curious feats that the monkey only _can_ +perform. Will the gentleman show the bill for the benefit of all? (Ike held +up the bill over his head.) Now, ladies and gentlemen, look at the bill, +and then look at the monkey. These bills are printed for the instruction of +the people; it gives them a knowledge of natural history. That monkey can +do anything that we have represented on our bill; or, rather, monkeys in +their native woods do all these things; but the woods we cannot carry +around with us, ladies and gentlemen; and so we give it to you on our +bills. (Hold the bill a little higher, if you please, sir.) There you see +the monkey as he is--next thing to a man, ladies and gentlemen. Study the +monkey; he's an as-_ton_-ishing animal; very different from the lion there; +wherever we go, the _mon_-keys are admired. Any more questions, ladies and +gentlemen?" + +Turtle said "he b'lieved he shouldn't ask any more questions." + +Bigelow Van Slyck had not yet seen "that wonderful animal mentioned in Holy +Writ, and now known as the Ichneumon." He had walked the whole caravan over +and over a dozen times, but the Ichneumon was nowhere to be seen. + +He inquired, at last, of the keeper, "where he kept his Ichneumon." + +"Certainly," answered the keeper in the most amiable manner possible, +leading the way to a little cage on the ground, where he had an animal +housed about the size of a small dog. + +"There," exclaimed the keeper, "is the sacred quadruped now known as the +Ichneumon." + +Bigelow ran his hands into his breeches-pockets and looked down very +reverently upon the little fellow. + +"Spoken of in Holy Writ?" repeated Bigelow. + +"Often," said the keeper. + +"Old Testament, probably," said Bigelow. + +"Most probably," replied the keeper. + +Bigelow took another long look. + +"And he's alive, too," said Bigelow, drawing a long breath. + +"But it costs a great deal of money," answered the keeper, "to preserve his +life--most _expensive_ animal we have--bathe him in salt water three times +a day." + +"Mi-_rac_-ulous!" said Bigelow. + +"Treat him very tenderly," continued the keeper; "liable to lose him any +moment; cost a great sum; but we don't mind that--it is our business--we +_will_ satisfy the public." + +Bigelow introduced Mrs. Bird, Mrs. Swipes, and Mrs. Longbow to the +Ichneumon, who did not happen to be present and hear the keeper's remarks, +and repeated in low breath the information which he had just derived, with +suitable and appropriate remarks of his own. For his part, he said, he was +paid. He had seen the sacred animal called the Ichneumon; and he managed to +weave him into a sermon which he preached some weeks afterwards, in which +he identified him as clearly as he did when inspecting the poster at the +Eagle. + +Jim Buzzard was present during all the exercises. He crawled in under the +canvas at rather a late hour, but appeared in time to see all that was to +be seen. He made very few comments upon the animals. He took a very long +look at the elephant, who seemed to just strike his fancy. Jim was a +picture, and so was the elephant. As he stood in rags gaping at the +monster, it seemed as if he was magnetized to the ground. He examined him +up and down, looked under him, and over him, and at last, after having +digested all there was about him, he scratched his head and said, "O, +Gosh!" + +But all things must have an end, and the grand caravan, in time, came to +its end. The last performance, which was intended as the climax to the +whole day's proceedings, and which had been looked forward to by the +Puddlefordians with the most enthusiastic feeling, was the "ostrich and +monkey ride." The poster had painted this affair in shining colors, and it +was finally announced by the keeper, amid a tempest of applause. It is not +in my power to describe this ride. The monkey rode the ostrich, as +promised, carrying a whip in his hand--and then the monkey took another +round on the ostrich, carrying something else--and then again and again, +each time under renewed and stronger vociferations from the multitude, +until I really began to think that the monkey and ostrich were certain to +transport the crowd into hysterics, and cover themselves with immortal +glory. + +When the afternoon shadows began to lengthen over the green, the tent, +which had so recently gone up by magic, as suddenly dissolved, and the +people dissolved too. The show was over, and there were scores of people +who were twenty or thirty miles from home, jaded and nearly out of money. +Puddleford was in an uproar in the general preparation for a departure. The +showmen were packing their monkeys, ostrich, and ichneumon, temporarily +hobbling their elephant, and counting up the proceeds of the day, and +making ready for a fresh swindle upon some adjacent town. The women were +dealing out gingerbread to squalling children to fortify their stomachs +against the journey of the night. The men were settling up their bills at +the Eagle; and all was bustle and commotion. + +Aunt Sonora hurried home and "took a nap;" she had passed _such_ a day; +"was," as she said, "nearly killed in the morning, and skeer'd to death in +the arternoon, that it seemed as if she should fly off the handle; her head +danc'd round like a top; see if they could catch her at any more of their +powwows; their lions and their monkeys might go to grass, for all her; +she'd not look at 'em agin; that's what she wouldn't--there warn't nothin' +so grand 'bout 'em, arter all, as folks tell'd on--she wouldn't use up +herself agin for any such strolling critters--not she." + +The procession formed in a line, just at twilight, to take its farewell. A +knot of urchins, and twenty or more Puddlefordians, were all that were left +of the pride and pomp of the morning to see them safely on their way. The +band struck up a lively air, the wagons moved forward, and soon had wound +away out of sight; and all settled down again into the most profound +tranquillity. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV. + + The Tinkhams arrive.--Great Stir.--Miss Lavinia Longbow's + Head is turned.--Everybody in Love with the Tinkhams.--Wind + changes.--The Tinkhams fall.--The whole Pack out on + them.--They abandon the Settlement. + + +It is remarkable how the people of a new country run in fixed channels of +thought and action. That this is true of an old one where ages have +hardened down and vitrified a long train of habits, is not so wonderful. +Puddleford was in the gristle, it was true, and had not as yet made any +permanent development. But even in its gristle, it had its laws--temporary, +of course, but laws, nevertheless, which were as unbending as iron, while +they lasted. + +No person was permitted to outstrip his neighbor in any of the luxuries or +refinements of social life. Any attempt at such a piece of ambition was +regarded as a kind of premeditated insult upon the whole town. It was never +for a moment supposed that a Puddlefordian could act without some hidden +motive, maliciously directed against those who were not in any way +connected with his personal affairs. The pride of a new country is most +marvellous. The less wealth, or the less education, or the less of the +luxuries of life, which such a people may possess, the more tender they are +upon those very deprivations. In one sense, again, not a particle of pride +could be found lingering in all Puddleford. This pride was the source of +the most unrelenting jealousy. + +Mrs. Longbow never bought a new calico without being agitated. She knew +that not only the calico, but herself, too, in connection with such a bold +enterprise, must necessarily pass in review before all the women of the +place. And she also knew that not unfrequently it happened that very +improper motives were attributed. The calico might have been purchased to +cast a slur upon some one else--a way taken by her to "let people know what +some folks could do, and what other people could not do,"--a kind of open +triumph, maliciously intended to humble the pride, and sneer at the poverty +of another, who dare not venture upon such an outlay of money--and Mrs. +Longbow knew and felt that it was as much as her reputation was worth to +appear for the first time in public in such a garment--for Mrs. Swipes or +Mrs. Bird would be sure to declare that "she did it on purpos' jist to +insult _her_." + +Immigrants, who settled in Puddleford, felt the force of this social law +very forcibly. Mr. Tinkham and family came in and took up their residence. +Mr. Tinkham was a small merchant, and hailed from a small eastern village, +and brought in his train a wife, one son, and two daughters--Mr. Howard +Tinkham, Miss Jenet Tinkham, and Miss Mary Tinkham--old enough all for +society. They were a very plain family, had been educated in a very plain +way, and were very unpretending in their deportment. "_Old_ Mr. Tinkham," +as he was called, was on the downhill side of life, and was fast running +into the shadows of the valley; and "Old Mrs. Tinkham" was not very far +behind him. They had immigrated for the benefit of their children--made +themselves miserable from a philanthropic desire to make somebody else +happy--had buried all the associations, comforts, and joys of their lives, +to linger out an unnatural existence in the West. + +When Mr. Tinkham and his family came on, Puddleford was overflowing with +enthusiasm. Indeed, their anticipated arrival was heralded by all hands +long before they made their appearance, and their "means," personal +history, politics, and religion were well known weeks in advance. The +accession of a new family was a great event in Puddleford--and well it +might be--for it was a rare event to find any one bold enough to settle +down in the village--and it usually turned out to be as great an event to +the individual who settled, as those whom he settled among. + +There was a general uprising to receive Mr. Tinkham--it did not seem +possible to do enough for Mr. Tinkham--he was from the very first +completely run down, crushed, and smothered with attention--all the women +offered their services in any and every way to Mr. Tinkham, and to Mrs. +Tinkham, and Mr. Howard Tinkham, and Miss Jenet Tinkham, and Miss Mary +Tinkham--one ran this way to do this, and another that way to do +that--sometimes two or three female Puddlefordians would insist upon +performing the same act for Mrs. Tinkham, which not unfrequently resulted +in hard words and red faces among themselves, for their kindness was so +impulsive and excessive, that it was not possible for them to restrain it, +as long as the Tinkham fever lasted. + +The Tinkhams thought that they had been very much underrated, or very much +overrated. They were positively delighted with the spontaneous attention +of the Puddlefordians--and yet, as has been stated, the Tinkhams were a +plain people, not subject to any fashionable flights, nor haughty airs, nor +had they ever demanded or received much notice before, and they could only +account for the novel exhibitions of hospitality of their new acquaintances +by supposing it was "their way," and that they were no exception to a +general rule. + +Miss Lavinia Longbow, who was decidedly one of the fashionable "upper +crust" of society--for every society has its "upper crust"--and who was the +daughter of Squire Longbow, which of itself was all-sufficient to fix her +social position--Miss Lavinia Longbow almost went into ecstasies over Mr. +Howard Tinkham the first time she saw him. + +She declared that "he was the splendidest man she ever see'd--that she +thought that Jim Barton was something of a feller once--but, O, pshaw! he +warn't nothin'. Mr. Howard Tinkham had such a poetical eye, and such +tap'rin' hands, and then he was so much slimmer-er than Jim Barton, and he +walked off so peert like--and then he talked so _bu_-tiful--all about the +Venuses, and the God-es-es, and she did not know how many more things, that +she never heer'd of afore in all her born days. Jim Barton didn't know +nothin' 'bout anything--he couldn't say boo afore Mr. Howard Tinkham--he +was _sich_ a man, Mr. Howard Tinkham was--he know'd everything--how many +pretty stories he _had_ told her--O, pshaw! talk about Jim Barton." + +Miss Lavinia ran on in the most extravagant terms, at all times and places, +about Mr. Howard Tinkham, and she positively refused to speak to, or notice +Jim Barton, for six months after Tinkham came in. + +Mrs. Swipes, Bird, Longbow, Aunt Sonora, and all were bewitched with Mrs. +Tinkham. Mrs. Swipes presented Mrs. Tinkham with a dried-apple pie within +an hour after her arrival, at the same time informing her that "it would +come right handy while they were putting things to rights--and that if +there was anything else--any--thing--no matter what--that she had in her +house, to come over and take it right away, and ask no questions. She +wanted her to be at home in _her_ house, jist as long as they liv'd in +Puddleford." + +Mrs. Tinkham thought Mrs. Swipes was a very accommodating woman. + +Mrs. Longbow sent a ham--Mrs. Bird a loaf of "Injun," as she called it--and +as Mrs. Swipes knew what Mrs. Longbow had sent, and as Mrs. Longbow +ascertained what Mrs. Swipes had sent, and as Mrs. Bird discovered by +inquiry "round about," what they both sent, and as the rest of the +Puddleford ladies made it their business to know what they all had sent, +and as they were determined not to be outdone by the upper crust, who they +declared were no better than they were, and couldn't do any more than they +could do, the consequence was that the Tinkhams began to think that they +had reached the promised land, and that the windows of Heaven were opened, +and showering down blessings broadcast upon them. + +The Tinkhams were in raptures with Puddleford. Mrs. Swipes called two or +three times a day to know how they got along--to know if Mary Jane Arabella +could not come in and "chore around a little while they were +settlin'"--that she know'd what it was "to get fix'd"--to know if "there +warn't _sum_thin' she _could_ do." + +Mrs. Longbow was very anxious to find out "when Mrs. Tinkham could come +over and spend a sociable afternoon--it seemed as if she couldn't wait." + +Mrs. Bird declared that "she would have the first visit--that she'd say +flat-footed." + +The Tinkhams were certainly very much in love with Puddleford. They had +positively never seen anything like it. The impression which they had made +exceeded all their expectations. They did not see how they could ever repay +the manifestations of its people. + +But this paroxysm of attention in time passed away. The Tinkhams in +time--and in a very short time, too--fell from their high position. Mrs. +Tinkham _did_ call first upon Mrs. Longbow, and she and all the other +Tinkhams were ruined from that day. + +Mrs. Bird then declared "she just began to see what they were"--she blazed +out with all her fires, and showered down her red-hot lava upon the +Tinkhams, both great and small. She "had a lurkin' kinder suspicion all the +time that they warn't much"--she said "she meant to treat 'em decently, and +she had treated 'em decently--she and Mary Jane didn't do nothin' but run +for 'em all the time, when they fust cum--and now this was her thanks +for't--this was what she got--_this_ was her pay--she'd tell the whole pile +on 'em what she thought, some day--she'd give 'em a piece of her +mind--she'd show 'em what Sall Bird could do--they'd find her out--they +couldn't tromp onter her--jest--to--think--after all said and done--that +the huzzy went straight over and call'd fust on Mrs. Longbow--on Mrs. +Longbow--yes, old Squire Longbow's second wife--_old_ Aunt Graves, and +nobody else--who I've know'd fust and last these twenty years--and no good +of her nuther--to think of it! to think!--_only_ to think!" + +This little explosion went off in the presence of Mrs. Swipes, who had been +as deeply injured by this "call" as Mrs. Bird, and Mrs. Bird knew it. + +Mrs. Swipes declared "that while she was the last woman on the face of the +airth to injure anybody, or talk 'bout anybody, that was _well_ known, she +couldn't help lettin' out on the Tinkhams--she couldn't! she'd tried it, +but she felt it her duty to do it--and she _would_ do it, and she'd do it +now,--she thought she saw sumthin'--_sum_thin' a-nuther--'bout that Mrs. +Tinkham, the fust day that they came inter the settlement, that warn't +right--she didn't like her eye--there was a certain sort-of-er-look +there--and she might as well say it right out, it looked wicked to +her--wicked as Cain--she told Mr. Swipes then that _she_ believed that she +was a _dang_-rous woman--but she was detarmined to try her, for she was a +person who allers tried everybody--she gin everybody a chance--she didn't +cry down nobody, she didn't--she warn't a-goin' to--'twas agin her +principles to do so--but when she _did_ find people out--and she allers +did--_allers_--sooner or _la_-ter--sum time or a-nuther--she was sure to +find 'em out, then they'd got ter take a piece of her mind--and she had +found the Tinkhams out, and she thought the Tinkhams warn't any great +shakes--that's what she thought." + +"Jest my mind exactly!" exclaimed Mrs. Bird, who had listened with great +attention, with her eyes staring, and her mouth open, so she could not lose +a word. + +"Nor warn't any great shakes where they com'd from," added Mrs. Swipes; +"that I've larned for true, and I know it." + +"Nor never will be any great shakes," continued Mrs. Bird, +"anywhere--never! never!" + +"From the old man down," said Mrs. Swipes. + +"Yes! from the old man down," repeated Mrs. Bird. + +Aunt Sonora, who was very "set in her way," and a great stickler for the +old order of things, was, nevertheless, not naturally malicious. She +thought the Tinkhams, however, "were getting mighty stuck up," and that the +"gals put on the dref'ellest sight of airs"--"she didn't think Puddleford +could hold 'em long--people who ate sales-molasses for common, and bought +fresh every day, must have a long purse or they'd bust"--she said "she was +very sure that Mr. Howard Tinkham wore broadcloth; and as for the +women-folks, why, they were flarin' out all the while in their silks--and +laws-a-me," said the old lady, "they hain't got such a killin' sight to be +proud of nuther--if they had, _she_ didn't know where they kept it, for her +part." + +The Tinkhams found themselves in hot water on every side--and simply for +the reason that Mrs. Tinkham had made her first call on Mrs. Longbow. But +Mrs. Tinkham could not have escaped her fate--that was not possible; if she +had selected any other of her devoted friends, the result would have been +precisely the same. + +In four weeks from the time the Tinkhams had been received with such +demonstrations of affection, it was discovered,-- + +That Mrs. Bird did not speak to Mrs. Tinkham; + +That Mrs. Swipes did not speak to Mrs. Tinkham; + +That Mrs. Beagle did not speak to Mrs. Tinkham; + +That a very great many other persons who did not speak to Mrs. Bird, +Swipes, _or_ Beagle, did not speak to Mrs. Tinkham. + +Mr. and Mrs. Tinkham found that they had come in conflict with public +opinion in Puddleford--they were completely driven out from society. + +The social war soon extended itself further. The Bird clique would not +trade at Mr. Tinkham's store. Mrs. Bird declared "that she wouldn't have +nothing at all to do with 'em no way--not the fust thing--she wouldn't +darken any of their doors, and they shouldn't darken hers--not a Tinkham +should enter her front gate--_she'd_ larn 'em, that's what she would." Mrs. +Swipes and Mrs. Beagle agreed to the same thing--the Tinkhams shouldn't +darken their doors, nuther. Mrs. Bird said she wouldn't go where the +Tinkhams went. Mrs. Swipes and Mrs. Beagle thereupon agreed that _they_ +wouldn't go where the Tinkhams went--and the lesser lights that revolved +around Mrs. Bird, Swipes, and Beagle, agreed that they wouldn't "nuther." + +The Tinkhams were obliged to draw their business to a close, and leave the +land of their adoption. They did not understand the social law of the +country. They were seen, early one morning, wending their way out of the +village, solitary, yet not sad, without pomp or parade, their faces to the +rising sun, retracing their steps back to the land which they had left, +wiser, if not better, we trust, with a fixed determination to "let well +enough alone" during the remainder of their lives, and never again give "a +bird in the hand for (none) in the bush." + +Puddleford experienced no more spasms from a disturbance of its social +equilibrium for a long time; not until the Styles family came in many years +afterwards, and overturned the whole order of things, and established upon +the ruins an entirely new government. + + + + +CHAPTER XXV. + + And still New England.--Sui Generis.--Her Ruggedness the + Soil of Liberty.--The Contrast.--The New England + Conservative.--The New England Man of Business.--The West + has no Past.--_Fast_, and Hospitable.--Saxon Blood and Saxon + Spirit. + + +Such is a picture of some of the old-school New England men, as they +flourished years ago. Such are some of the portraits and images that rise +up, and stand out vividly before me. + +New England is unlike anything the pioneer sees, hears, or feels in a +wilderness country. She is unlike his country in her creation. Her solemn +mountains, lone lakes--her rushing streams, that dart like arrows from her +precipices--the roar of her cataracts, amid her rugged gorges--her long and +tranquil reaches of valley--the cold, solemn, and quiet pictures of Nature +that she mingles and groups on her canvas, give soul and spirit to the +people who are nursed upon her soil; and they, too, grow gigantic, like the +objects around them--patriotism, integrity, firmness, germinate and become +athletic in such fastnesses: Liberty last expires upon the mountains. + +Why was civil and religious liberty planted, amid December snows, upon her +inhospitable coast? Why was it committed to her rugged elements of Nature, +if not to harden the men, and strengthen and preserve principles? Had the +May Flower discharged its freight of ideas amid abundance, soft skies, and +a teeming soil, it is not certain that the Declaration would have been +signed in 1776. + +How different is the great West! One great plain of prairie and woodland, +reaching from zone to zone, fairly bursting with the richness of its varied +soil and climate--reserved, as it were, by Providence, to receive the less +hardy and vigorous generations which time might throw off upon her--tame in +scenery, but filled with the resources of wealth and power. + +But New England is not only unlike the West in its creation, but her +people, from a thousand causes, have fixed and established habits and +customs as unlike. And all these have become as stereotyped by ages, as the +figures upon a panorama. The New England panorama, in all its essential +features, rolls off to-day as it did years ago. Who has not been impressed +with this truth? Select an old New England town--analyze it as you once +knew it, and as it is now. How was it, how is it made up? It was finished +then--the last blow was struck, the last foundation laid, the rubbish all +cleared away; as if it only waited for the final explosion of all +things--even the magnificent elms that solemnly swept its streets, grew no +longer--they, too, had reached maturity, and gone to sleep. So it is now. + +A western village, in its general aspect, presents the very reverse of +this. Like Jonah's gourd, it is the "son of a night." It seems to have been +thrown up by an army on the march--and such is the fact--the mighty army of +pioneers, who are here to-day and there to-morrow, and who are only traced +by such huge footsteps. + +The people of a New England village appear to have been procured, assorted +and arranged, for their positions and occupations. Each person treads in +his own circle--each is stamped with a value--branded good, bad, or +indifferent. There is the conservative gentleman--the dash that connects +generations--he who has taken a preemption right to respectability--whose +patent dates away back among historical reminiscences and dead bones--whose +presence is _prima facie_ evidence of all that is claimed and exercised. A +man of authority is he. He carries an odor of the past around with him--an +air--a something that smells of blood--a consciousness that some time, or +somehow, somebody or something had given his ancestors a cross that +followed and sublimated his whole race. + +Such men impress a consequence upon objects around them. Their family +carriages look wise and venerable--heirlooms embalmed by generations gone. +They drive horses that think and know who and what they are--and who live +and die under the protection of their masters. Their church-pews blaze in +crimson--are piled with cushions, arrayed with stools, and tables, and +books, with two pillows and a foot-stove in the corner, for the old _lady_ +of seventy, who wheezes and takes snuff. + +Perhaps, reader, you have met just such a New England character. He never +moves below a line in society--a line as arbitrary with him as 36 deg. 30'. He +had a broad face, double chin, heavy nose, wide-brimmed hat, and buff vest, +filled with ruffles. You have heard him deliver his opinion upon a question +of public policy, or public morals--his voice slow and sepulchral--his +manner heavy, almost melancholy--made impressive through the aid of a +gold-headed cane, with which he occasionally beats out the emphatic +portions of his homily. Perhaps you attempted to make a suggestion +yourself--if you did, you recollect the frown, the reproof that came down +upon you, from those cold, gray eyes of his, and perhaps the shock you +inflicted upon the timid around you, from your impudence. + +This class do not, by any means, constitute the backbone of New England. +The enterprise that breaks through her mountains, upheaves her valleys, and +sends the iron horse on its way--creates the roar of machinery that +reverberates among her hills--grasps with, and battles for, the public +questions of the _day_--pours a tide of life and energy into everything +around--which makes itself felt through the long arms of commerce in every +part of the world, and whose touch electrifies every mart--_this +enterprise_ is born, and quickened, and sustained somewhere else. These men +are the mere spectators of all this bustle. They are rather drag-weights +upon it--the acknowledged conservative army of "masterly inactivity." + +These conservatives are not without value, but they can only exist in a +fixed state of society. They are the work of ages, and cannot be created in +a breath. No such characters can be found in the western world. The roots +of such a growth lie away back among the Puritans. One can smell Plymouth +Rock, Cotton Mather, Bunker Hill, and indeed the whole revolutionary war, +in the very production. Pedigree associations, musty ideas, which lie +scattered everywhere, and yet nowhere in particular, are the foundation of +this kind of aristocracy; all of which is submitted to by custom and +habit. + +What if an attempt should be made to build up such a society in a new +country? Where would we begin? There is no past to hallow and dignify the +present; and without a past to draw upon, and anchor to, an aristocracy +would be all afloat. The past of Puddleford, so far as my researches go, +ends in the _Pottawatomie Indians_--a little later in Longbow, Turtle, and +Bates. This is the extent of our resources; and no one has been yet found +who was willing to go into that kind of business on such a capital. Money, +so often the foundation of pretension, is widely diffused, in very small +parcels. Historical local incidents there are none. The conquest of the +country was by the axe and an indomitable spirit. There was no blood nor +brimstone used. The pioneer's little family of sinewy children was the army +that entered it, and took possession of the soil. + +But the people of New England, I said, were assorted. The man of business, +the merchant, the mechanic, was a merchant, a mechanic, in the same place, +the same building, perhaps forty years ago--and his whole life is one of +order and system. He lives by rule--is as fixed in his sphere as the +conservative in his. His income for the future can be calculated from the +past. His duties are foreseen and provided for. Domestic expenses so much; +support of the gospel so much; charity so much; pleasure so much; which, +deducted from income, balance, so much. Here, again, is the fruit of a +fixed society. The creditor of a New England merchant knows where his +customer will be next year--at his old post, or dead. + +How is it in a new country? Not one resident in ten is permanently located. +Every man expects to remove somewhere else, at some time. Here is no +association, no tie, to bind him to the soil. The pioneer is but a +passenger who has stopped over night, as it were, and he holds himself +ready to push forward at the blow of the trumpet. Villages, and even whole +townships, change inhabitants in short periods, and other men, with other +views and habits, step in and take their places. Where does the merchant +creditor find his western customer of last year? Sold out, perhaps, to Mr. +A., and Mr. A. sold to Mr. B., and Mr. B. to Mr. C. Mr. C. pays all +arrearages, and Mr. A. and B. are boating on the Mississippi, or +"ballooning" in some fancy speculation on the north shore of the Oregon. + +While the great West suffers from a want of the virtues that attend a fixed +society, as it undoubtedly does, it does not find itself obliged to contend +against its prejudices. There are no arbitrary lines drawn, based upon mere +ideas--no venerable fictions in the way. Custom, habit, society, immemorial +usage, hang no dead-weights upon the young and ambitious. All start from +the same line, the prize is aloft in full view, and he who first reaches it +creates his own precedence. + +If there is no past to hallow and chasten the people of a new country, no +permanent present to hold them to one spot, so in one sense there is no +future. There is no locality that is adorned and beautified for coming +years--no spot designated to become venerable to posterity--no tree nursed +and protected in memory of him who planted it--no ground consecrated for +the burial of the dead. Houses are built, localities adorned, trees +planted, cemeteries erected, but they who fashioned all this do not abide +with them--they are ever on the march, and the stranger takes possession +of the memorials they leave behind; and if posterity should attempt to +collect the works of such an ancestor, it would find them scattered over +the circuit of states. + +We have attempted, in a plain way, to draw a comparison, very briefly, to +be sure, between a fixed and an unfixed society. Both have their advantages +and their disadvantages. + +If New England is slow and methodical, she is strong. She moves in close +phalanx upon any public question or duty. The very bonds of habit which +pervade all, and all alike, concentrate and intensify her action. Her +people act in a mass towards one point. They strike through organizations +which are gigantic and reverend with age. The Church gathers the energies +and means of the benevolent. Public opinion is harmonious about public +ends. And this very fixedness of society enables its members to push +forward with a unity and strength almost omnipotent. + +In a new country, as we have seen, action is individual and ends are +individual; men are unorganized. He who goes forward with axe in hand to +hew his pathway to competence and respectability, is governed by few relics +of the past. He breaks away, in time (too completely perhaps), from old +associations, some of which were trammels, being the mere result of usage, +and some of which he ought to cherish for their intrinsic excellence. He +looks forward to a country and people in the future (_somewhere_ in the +future; locality is nothing), and he hurries on, with fury almost, to reach +the destination of his dreams. + +The people of the West are called a _fast_ people. How can they be +otherwise? Their very necessities _drive_ them. They cannot fall back upon +any prop; they can move onward without limit. It required, half a century +ago, the labor of a generation to sweep off the forest, and plant cities +and villages--but all this is accomplished in half of that time now. +Pioneers grow more expanded in their views. The father of the pioneer of +to-day grew into consequence as a heavy landed proprietor upon a farm of +forty acres--his son can hardly satisfy his ambition with six hundred--and +that is always for sale--(there is no poetry, as we have seen, about a +western homestead)--and he stands ready to vacate upon six months' notice +and a consideration. + +This miscellaneous state of society begets a peculiar hospitality. New +England has been famed for its hospitality; but the kind I mean is a very +different thing. Hospitality in an old country, under the bonds of society, +is too formal, too cold, and sometimes a little oppressive. It is not +always hospitality; it is, sometimes, the performance of a social duty, +according to the rules and regulations prescribed for its +observance--painful to all parties concerned. It is artificial--as hearty, +perhaps, as it can be under "bonds." The table, in the West, is _always_ +spread, and the roof _always_ offers shelter. There is an ease, an +abandonment in its exercise, that is positively beautiful, and can be +understood only when felt. + +A fixed state of society begets feuds, and cherishes old grudges. A quarrel +that originated between grandfathers is often carried down and kept +brewing. Families are divided from other families for years, and sometimes +for generations, about matters of no consequence. It is perhaps a point of +etiquette, a stinging remark, an accidental or premeditated slight, a +question of dollars and cents, a political or religious difference of +opinion, that opened the breach which will not be healed. Thus, bombshells +are often thrown from one to another, by fathers and children and +grandchildren, and families kept in an uproar about nothing. This society +not only cherishes old grudges, but it is nervous and sensitive to the +least touch of the present. A morbid pride of wealth, family, position, is +ever on the lookout for an attack upon its consequence--perhaps to make an +onslaught upon others. + +Here the West has the advantage. There is no one to keep alive old grudges. +Not one man in a hundred can tell what his neighbor's father or grandfather +was--where he flourished or decayed--what were his personal piques or +social battles. And as for present causes of personal war, they are few--it +requires something more than a sublimated idea or notion--an antiquated +figment of the brain or present artificiality--to warm up the combatants. +The practical realities of the West are too great and pressing to give time +or disposition to dally with abstractions. Gross outrages are quickly met +and redressed--they are not carried down on the docket of time for +posterity to try, nor nursed in the bosom from the revengeful pleasure they +afford. + +Reader, these are a few of the advantages and disadvantages of the two +states of eastern and western society--not western society after it becomes +rooted and established, as it has in many of the states--but during its +first ten, perhaps twenty years, in its green state, while the gristle is +hardening into bone. + +These few suggestions are written in no morbid or carping spirit. They are +written with a consciousness of the manly virtues, and solid worth, of New +England, as she is, and always has been. They simply mark points of +difference worked upon men by a change of soil and society--points that +should be known, whether approved or condemned. What son of New England +does not look back upon her with pride? What associations throng around him +when her name is mentioned! Her hills, her hearts, her homes, send a thrill +through the soul, and make him, for a time at least, a better man. What +armies of scholars have walked forth into the battle of life from her +cloisters? How many have been girded and helmeted in her halls? Where is +the spot where her footsteps are not imprinted, her cheering voice heard? +Shall we ever forget her? What sermons her old homesteads are continually +preaching to her children, scattered as they are throughout every degree of +latitude and longitude, in all positions and avocations! The cold brooks, +where the trout darted--the grove where the nuts dropped--the blue +sublimity of her mountain-tops, where sunlight first broke in the morn, and +last died at night--the great shadows that slept in her valleys--the +reverberation of her thunder--her solemn "fasts and feasts"--her day of +Thanksgiving, that united again the broken fragments of the family +circle--the merry voice of Christmas, that rung so cheerily through her +halls--her graves, that hold all that remains of those who were giants in +religion, liberty, and law, and who, "although dead, yet speak"--her +arts--her monuments--her altars, where generations have knelt and passed +away--are all living eloquence to her children, and can never be forgotten, +if not always remembered. She is the Mecca to which many a weary pilgrim +turns for strength and counsel in the storm and bustle of life, and her +brain, and her capital, and her example are felt throughout half the globe. + +Let us not, however, in our veneration for New England, forget the +iron-souled and true-hearted men, who have gone forth from that ancient +hive to make a way in the wilderness for incoming generations, whose march +is ever upon the ear. They had _their_ mission, too, and nobly have they +performed it. What but Saxon blood, and Saxon spirit, could have +accomplished so much? If it was, and still is, done roughly, it was all +done for time, and will stand--it is something that will bear looking back +upon, and of which no son of posterity will be ashamed. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI. + + Spring at the West.--"Sugar Days."--Performances of the + Cattle.--April.--Advent of the Blue-Jays and the Crows.--The + Bluebirds, Phebes, and Robins.--April and its Inspiring + Days.--The Frogs and their Concerts.--Gophers, Squirrels, + Ants; Swallows, Brown-Threshers, and Blackbirds.--The + Swallows, the Martins, and the Advent of May. + + +Spring opens in the western wilds with great pomp and beauty. After our +winter had passed, accompanied with few out-door amusements, how inspiring +were her first footsteps! February slowly gave way to March, the sun each +day rolled higher and higher, and the heavens grew bluer and bluer. Then +came the still, clear, cold nights, when the stars flashed like diamonds, +and the still, warm days, that flooded the lakes and streams. Here and +there a bird would appear--one of the more hardy sort--a kind of courier, +that had been sent out by his fellows, lonely, like the dove from the ark, +to spy out the land, and report its condition. These couriers, who I +supposed were birds that were with us the preceding year, rummaged around +the woods, like a family who had just returned to a long deserted mansion. +They flew from tree to tree, eyed the knot-holes, examined everything, +shivered a few nights on a snowy limb, and then hurried back to make their +report. The outside birds who were thus represented, and who were so +anxious to "come on," were like a press at the theatre, before the hour +had arrived to hoist the curtain. + +These March days were "sugar days." Puddleford was, of course, in +confusion; men, women, and children turned out with kettles and pans, into +the "bush;" and one would have supposed, from the clouds of smoke that +rolled over the tops of the trees, that a tribe of gypsies had camped +there. The girls, dressed in linsey-woolsey, were boisterous; the boys, +uproarious; and a whole army of dogs, full of the spirit of the occasion, +stormed around, barking at every deer track, and tore all the rotten logs +in pieces. Then came a long, warm, still rain--and the frogs shouted to +each other their melancholy music--and the grass and the roots that were +soaking in the marshes sent out their sweetness--the bud began to swell on +the willow--the geese gathered in a procession, with some pompous gander at +its head, and marched to the river--and the barn-yard fowls climbed up into +trees, on top of the sheds and stacks, and cackled, and crowed, and +clucked, and chatted together, like so many guests at a party. + +The cattle congregated, and wandered away off to an open plain, and went +through certain exercises, the significance of which was known only to +themselves. One old cow of mine, whose reputation was good, and whose +frosty bones had scarcely moved during the winter, and who was present at +this celebration, suddenly wheeled out of the ranks, rolled her tail over +her back, put herself on a circuitous canter, cutting as many capers as a +French dancing-master, and brought up, at last, with a bellowing blast that +was quite terrific. + +At a distance stood another of the herd, frothing at the mouth, lashing +herself with her tail, and throwing clouds of sand on high with her fore +feet. Away, in another quarter, were a couple of very thoughtful looking +animals, fencing with their horns. Every little while some good or evil +spirit would take possession of them, and the whole company would fling +their tails aloft, and with a great noise go off in a stampede that made +the ground tremble. + +As April approached, or rather the reflected light from her distant wheels, +the voice of the birds changed into a mellower tone. The blue-jay, whose +harsh scream had so long grated on my ear, grew softer, and he blew once in +a while one of his spring pipes (for he is a great imitator, and has many), +which, after all, sounded rather husky and winter-like. His heart grew +warmer, too. He would sit on a dry tree close to the eaves of my house, and +peer through the windows, to see what was going on inside, jump down, and +bow himself up on the door-steps, to remind us, in the best way he could, +of the sunshine outside. + +Soon the crows began to sweep solemnly through the air with their caw! caw! +They sailed round and round, now lighting on some tree, now on the ground, +then away they went into the heavens again. They seemed to be taking a very +thorough examination of the premises, making out the lines of occupation, +and acquiring a new possession of the same, for the use of themselves and +those they represented. Sometimes a body of them, lazily winging their way +over my house, and looking down from their height upon my diminutive form, +would shower upon my head ten thousand _Ca's!_ as if in utter contempt of +both me and mine. I occasionally fired a shot at them, and the only answer +I got was a quick "_Ca-Ca!_"--as much as to say, "Try it again! Try it +again? Who cares?" + +Then came the bluebird. I threw up my window amid the latter days of March, +one sunshiny morning, and there she sat on a maple, blowing her flute. +Banks of snow were scattered here and there, but the ground smelled moist +and spring-like. Where did that little piece of melody come from? Where was +she the day before? Her song was a little poem about south-west winds, and +violets, and running brooks--perhaps she was a preacher, sent out by the +daisies to herald their coming--perhaps her song was only a prayer--for she +went round from place to place, on this tree and that, in her little +cathedral, as priests do in theirs, and erected her altar, and made her +offering. She had a great deal to say, and a great many persons and things +to deliver her message to; for in a little while she went, rising and +falling as though she were riding billows of air, to the roof of my +neighbor's house, where she sang the same song again; and after thus +spending an hour or two about the neighborhood, she crossed the river, and +dashed into the woods. + +On the next morning the bluebird came again, and brought a phebe with him, +and the two sang a kind of duet for my benefit. Their harmony was +perfect--for "there is no discord in nature." On the following day, at +dawn, before the sun arose, I heard the robin rolling off her mellow notes. +I looked out and saw a little flock running along on the ground, and +picking at the fresh earth, evidently for the purpose of determining its +condition. This same flock, I am sure, remained upon my premises during the +summer, and had, in fact, possession of them for many years previous. For +they appeared every day or two, and grew more and more inquisitive, and +examined more closely. A couple finally took possession of this tree, and a +couple of that. They commenced "cleaning house." They flitted about from +limb to limb, balanced themselves on the dry twigs, as if trying their +strength and elasticity, ran themselves away down into the joints, and +dissected the crotches, picked up and cast away the dead moss and leaves, +and made as much bustle and stir as a woman on May-day. + +As I was watching a couple of them one day, while they were busy at work, +they seemed quite annoyed at my presence. They flirted off from the tree to +a fence near by, with a mellow cry--saying, plainly enough, as they bobbed +around, "What! what!" "Any-thing-wrong? Any-thing-wrong?" +"Please-go-away--ha-ha-please-go-away." + +Some four weeks later, these birds began to build. They went sailing +through the air with the timbers of their castle in their mouths. This +timber was selected with great care. Straw after straw, and sprig after +sprig, was picked up and cast away before the right one was found. They +remained with me during their stay north, and returned each succeeding year +to the same tree, until the woods all about me were felled, when they +deserted me for other quarters. + +April shone out at last. Away down in the wild meadows the cowslip pushed +up its green head into the sunshine, and along the warm hill-sides the +wind-flowers were strewn. How they came there, I cannot tell. The day +before it was all bleak, and chilly, and flowerless there. They must have +been scattered by the morning rays of light. A melting bank of snow +frowned down upon them, close by. Soon the shade-tree sent out its blossoms +of lilac, and the dog-wood burst into a pile of snow. The hard, gray, +leafless trees stood up sternly around these first daughters of spring, +arrayed in their garments of pomp, and looked, as well as inanimate things +can look, jealous and uneasy. All over the aisles of the forest lay +enormous trunks of trees, like columns about an unfinished temple, thickly +coated with a heavy green moss; and there was a smell of bark, and swelling +twigs, and struggling roots--such a smell as only the early spring days +give out--as though the earth and the forest were just gaping and +stretching with a decayed last year's breath, before rousing up to the +duties of this. + +Then the rivulets began to get into tune. The one that ran tumbling through +the woods seemed to be in a very great hurry, and shot around its islands +of moss and promontories of tree-roots with great zeal. It had unwound from +its reel of light and moisture a green ribbon, that lay along its shores +miles and miles away in the wilderness; and the birds slyly bathed +themselves in its waters; and now and then a small fish came rushing down +with the speed of an arrow, just returning from his winter quarters to the +river, probably to enter his name upon the great piscatorial roll +preparatory to summer service. + +In a basin, just below a little fall of this brook, two or three wood-ducks +were ploughing round and round. These wood-ducks are hermits, and secrete +themselves in ponds and watery thickets, where silence and shadows prevail. +On one of these mornings, ruminating on its banks, sat Venison Styles, his +gun resting on the ground, apparently in a profound study. I looked at the +old hunter a long time, and his figure was as fixed and immovable as if he +were a part of the landscape, and had grown there like the trees about him. +What can the old man be dreaming about? thought I. Perhaps he already hears +the approaching footsteps of dancing May, her head crowned with flowers, +and the music of the thousand birds that supported her train. It was +already spring--summer--in his soul. He was thinking of the sports of the +coming year, and the light and pomp of the seasons passed before his +imagination like the gorgeous pictures of a panorama. + +These April days were inspiring. Occasionally a bleak squall of rain or +snow obscured the sky, and silenced the music of Nature; but the heavens +looked bluer, and the birds sang more lustily, after it passed away. In the +latter part of the month the ground became settled, and the frogs, towards +evening, and sometimes during the moist, smoky afternoons, sent up their +melancholy wailing from the wide wastes of marsh that stretched themselves +through the woods and along the river banks. Some of these marshes were ten +miles long, and two or three broad; and such a concert of voices as +congregated there was never equalled by anything else. I had, and still +have, notions of my own about these vocalists. I am sure that they sang +under discipline and system--that they performed on different kinds of +instruments. Some of them seemed to be blowing a flageolet; others drew +their bows across their violins; some played the fife; while here and there +might be heard grum twangs, like the twanging of bass-viol strings. He who +listened long and closely might detect delicate vibrations of almost every +tone in art or nature. Sometimes their voices sounded like the dying echoes +of ten thousand bells, all of a different key, yet the tangled melody was +an entanglement of chords and discords, and it rolled away, and expired in +waves of pure harmony; again, it was like a choir of human voices +performing an anthem. I thought I could hear syllables, too--the +articulation of words--something like a psalm. Then the words and sounds +appeared to change, and, by the aid of the imagination, one would have +supposed that the whole community were shouting--delivering political +harangues--or that its members had got on a "bust," and were rattling off +all kinds of nonsense in a drunken frolic. + +April brought with it, too, flying showers and warm sunshine. The grass +began to wake up, and scent the air with its sweetness. Along the +watercourses the willows unfolded their leaves; the buds swelled in the +forests; and the tree-tops were touched with a light shade of brown, and +then a shade of green, which grew deeper and deeper each day. Large flocks +of pigeons darkened the air, all moving from south to north,--from whence, +or to where, I could not tell. A company would sometimes "hold up" for an +hour or two, to "feed and rest," like a caravan at an oasis; but they soon +took their wings again, and pursued their journey. + +The tenants of the ground burst their tombs, and came up for duty. The +gopher, and squirrel, and the ant went to work. I noticed a large community +of ants who had commenced building a city. Their last year's metropolis was +destroyed, and they were compelled to begin from the foundation; and such a +stir and bustle was never exceeded. Hundreds of laborers were in the work +up to their eyes. Here was one fellow with a grain of sand in his mouth--a +rock to him, I suppose--climbing over twigs and dead grass, standing +sometimes perpendicular with his load, and not unfrequently falling over +backwards, yet struggling away, surmounting all obstacles, until he finally +reached the place of deposit. Then there was a class of miners who shot up +from their holes, dropped their speck of dirt, wheeled, and shot back +again. Trains of them were continually ascending and descending. There was +still another class--"blooded characters," most likely--possibly +overseers--who did not do any work, but ran around from point to point, as +if inspecting the rest, and giving to them directions. Once in a while a +couple of workmen would run a-foul of each other, and get into a quarrel--a +clinch--a fight--and the "tussle" lasted until they were parted. This +colony, I will say, erected a large mound of earth in a very few +weeks--gigantic to them as an Egyptian pyramid is to us--in which they +lived and labored during the season. + +Finally, the swallows, and brown-threshers, and blackbirds, and martins +came--not all in a body, but straggling along. The blackbirds appeared +first, and might be seen flying about from tree to tree, and fence to +fence, near by the upturned furrows that the ploughman had left behind him. +Such a saucy troop of pirates as they were! Flocks of them sat about in the +oaks, showering a host of epithets upon the said ploughman; then a dozen or +more darted down, staggered over the ground, picked up a worm, and dashed +away into the oaks again. They scolded, and fretted, and coaxed, and +threatened, and nettled about like a belle of sixteen. Some of them were +dressed in a suit of glossy black, with a neckcloth of shifting green; +others wore red epaulets on their wings; and a flock of them, darting +through the air, had the appearance of braided streams of fire, or +interlaced rainbows. Towards evening they all went down among the alders +and willows by the river, and had a long chat among themselves. They bowed, +and twitched, and stretched down one wing, and then the other; lit upon the +little twigs, and see-sawed as they sung, and did many other things. They +were evidently erecting themselves into some kind of a government for the +year--holding a caucus--perhaps an election--deposing an old monarch, or +elevating a new; for it was easy to hear them say what they would do, and +what they wouldn't--that is, easy for one who has studied the blackbird +language--and sometimes an awful threat might be detected, mixed with a +great many wheedling words and gracious postures. + +The brown-threshers came next, and they were just as full of chatter and +life as they were the year before. Birds never grow old, it seems to me, +nor have I ever been able to determine when or where they die. The hunter +kills but a very few, and those few of a certain kind. What becomes of the +rest? They breed every spring in great numbers; but how, when, and where do +they die? We do not find dead birds in the woods; at any rate, very few. +Yes, the brown threshers were as young as ever. They looked very shabby and +mussed when I last saw them in the fall; but now their brown clothes shone +as cleanly as a Quaker-girl's shawl. They took up Nature's music-book, and +rattled off all the songs, and glees, and anthems in it--very often making +a medley of it, mixing the notes of the birds that were chanting around +all together--and they often closed the performance with an original strain +of their own, composed on the spot. + +When the swallows and the martins came, I knew that spring was fully +established. They appeared suddenly during the night; for when the May sun +arose, they were twittering and wheeling through the air, shooting up and +plunging down in a kind of delicious rapture. Their music was set on the +staff of blue skies, south-west winds, and flowers. There was not a note of +winter in it. The woods, and streams, and fields seemed to have been +waiting for their melody, for all Nature went to work, and was soon clad in +beauty, and light, and song. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII. + + A Railroad through Puddleford.--Effect on Squire + Longbow.--Bright Prospects of Puddleford.--Change.--"The + Styleses."--The New Justice.--Aunt Sonora's Opinions.--Ike + Turtle grows too.--Venison disappears from among Men.--His + Grave, and his Epitaph. + + +Reader, I have written for you the history of a year's residence at +Puddleford. But the place is changed now--very much changed. It is not what +it used to be--its people, its habits, are very different. This change was +the result of a variety of causes. The first thing that happened to it--a +startling event it was--a railroad was built plump through its heart. It +was a road running a great distance, and it took Puddleford in its way +merely because it happened to fall in its line. I shall never forget Squire +Longbow's frenzied excitement the first time the locomotive came puffing +and whistling in. He actually lost his dignity for the moment. He ran and +wheezed after the steam-horse like a madman, lost his green eye-shade, and +committed a very serious breach in the rear part of his pantaloons. He did +not venture very near the machine at first, but sheltered himself behind a +tree, where he could watch its panting and spitting without danger. + +I recollect how pompously the Squire talked on this occasion. He said "all +nater couldn't stop Puddleford having ten thousand inhabitants 'fore +'nother census--she'd be one of the _ex_-poriums (emporiums) of the +West--it was nothing on airth that made Greece and Rome but these great +etarnal improvements"--and as he was a kind of oracle among a large class, +he infused a spirit of consequence and importance into those around him +that was quite ludicrous. Ike Turtle, Sile Bates, the Beagles, and Swipes, +and many others, actually mounted their Sunday clothes, and wore them every +day--but whether Ike himself was in fun or earnest, no person could tell. + +The building of this road was the cause of a great change certainly; yet it +changed not the population itself, but substituted another in its stead. It +brought in a class of persons who had money, and money is omnipotent +everywhere. It brought different habits, thoughts, and feelings. The +"Styles family" first purchased a large farm near the village. There was an +air about them that fairly awed the Puddlefordians. They were petted, run +after, imitated. One could hear nothing but "Young Mr. Styles," "Old Mr. +Styles," "The elderly Mrs. Styles," "Miss Arabella Styles," "Miss Florinda +Styles." Miss Florinda and Arabella wore flaring under-clothes in those +days, and this fashion fairly upset the heads of the Puddleford ladies; and +in less than a month I could not identify half the women of the place. +Their shrunken forms, stuffed with skirts, were about the shape of little +pyramids. + +Purchases of farms and village property went on, year after year, until +nearly every true Puddlefordian was ousted. The place has now, like the +snake, cast its skin; and the old pioneers, they who hewed down the +forest, and "bore the heat and burden of the day," are living around the +outskirts of the village, with hardly a competence, or have emigrated to +wilds still farther west. + +Squire Longbow, however, still holds his own. He still lives on the old +spot--is just as wise and happy as ever. Time has not affected his +intellect, or impaired his self-consequence. He is no longer justice of the +peace, but in his place we have a pert, dapper, little fellow, who wears a +large ring on his little finger, and gives very scholastic opinions. The +Squire professes to hold him in contempt, and says he "runs agin the +staterts and common law mor'n half the time"--that "he don't know a _fiery +factus_ from a common execution"--that "he never looks inter the undying +Story for 'thority, but goes on _squashing_ papers, right straight agin the +constitution and the _etar_nal rights of man." + +Aunt Sonora was dissatisfied, too, with the revolution in society. She told +me, the last time I saw her, that Puddleford was "made up of a hull passel +of flip-er-ter-_gib_-its, and she couldn't see what in created natur' the +place was a-comin' to--she never see'd such works in all her born days," +that "the men wore broadcloth, and the women silks, and flar'd and spread +about like pea-cocks. Nobody does nuthin'," said she. "The dear massy! They +are getting so hoity-toity! I _do_ wonder who pays!" + +Ike Turtle is about the only person who has grown with the place. There was +no such thing as keeping _him_ under. He is just as humorous as ever, but a +little more polished. Ike says "it won't do to let his natur' out as he +used to, when the bushes were thick, and Squire Longbow was gov'ner"--that +"he feels himself almost a-bustin' with one of his speeches, sometimes; +but the folks wouldn't understand him if he made it--and as for law, he'd +gin it all up--it had got to be so nice and genteel an article, there +warn't a grain of justis' in it--everything was 'peal'd up, and 'peal'd up, +until both parties themselves were 'peal'd to death." Ike has turned his +attention to land and saw-mills, and is getting rich. + +Poor Venison Styles! Dear old hunter! Venison is dead, and his children are +scattered in the wilderness. He was found, one May morning, stretched out +under a large maple, his dog and gun by his side, stiff and cold. The +brown-threshers and bluebirds were singing merrily above him, and the +squirrels were chattering their nonsense in the distance. His dog lay with +his nose near his master's face, his fore paw upon his shoulder. How he +died, no one could tell. He is buried on a bluff that overlooks the river; +and I have fenced his grave, and erected a stone over his remains, with +this inscription--"Nature loved him, if man did not." + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII. + +CONCLUSION. + + The Philosophy of Puddleford.--Diverse Elements in Pioneer + Life.--Longbow and his Administration.--Not Expensive.--Two + Hundred a Year, all told.--What would Chief Justice Marshall + have done as Justice of Puddleford?--Longbow a great + Man.--Fame and Politics.--Ike, a Wheel.--Puddleford + Theology.--Camp-Meetings.--Who will do Bigelow's Work better + than Bigelow?--Great Happiness, and few Nerves.--No + "Society."--No Fashion in Clothes, or anything + else.--Bull's-Eye and Pinchbeck.--The Great Trade didn't + "Come Off."--Abounding Charity and Hospitality.--Pilgrim + Blood.--Longbow's.--Planting the _Mud-Sills_.--Old + Associations, how Controlling!--Good by, Reader. + + +Reader, I cannot dismiss Puddleford without adding a chapter in conclusion. +The pictures I have drawn suggest to me something more. There is a +_philosophy_ that underlies the dignity of Longbow, the humor of Turtle, +the rough sincerity of Aunt Sonora, the stormy and eccentric eloquence of +Bigelow. Do you not think so? + +Puddleford was like a thousand other new settlements--it had its green +state to pass through; and Puddleford's pioneers were like other +pioneers--rough, honest, hardy, strong in common sense, but weak in the +books. It was not a perfect organization, packed beforehand with men fitted +to all the stations of life, like Hooker and his band. But one pioneer came +after another--and notions, creeds, and prejudices, were all tumbled in +together. Puddleford prospered, nevertheless. Every man was right upon the +question of civil and religious liberty. Each person brought this law with +him, written on his soul; and, however clumsily he might give it +expression, the law was there, and he could not rid himself of it any more +than he could throw off his nature. If Longbow administered the details of +jurisprudence awkwardly, Longbow was, after all, right in leading +principles. If Longbow at times trampled down technicalities, the +community, on the average, did not suffer. If Longbow even made a little +law now and then, to fill a gap, it was well made, and the gap well filled. +Longbow might as well have attempted to shave an elephant with a razor as +to manage the raw recruits of early Puddleford with subtle distinctions; +and, besides, Longbow, as the reader has discovered, had no knowledge of +that kind of instrument, nor was it necessary that he should have. +Longbow's legal rules necessarily ran on a sliding-scale, and he fitted +them to the case in hand, not to cases in general. + +The reader sees, then, a necessity for such men as Longbow in such a +community. If it is impossible to find a man capable of preparing a +technical set of legal papers, it is important to find a man who is +incapable or unwilling to break them down. No man ever slipped through +Longbow's fingers upon a mere technicality. + +Again, Longbow's judicial duties were not expensive. An expensive judicial +tribunal would have ruined Puddleford outright. Puddleford was not only +obliged to use such timber as it had for public men, but the timber must +also be cheap. Longbow was no mahogany judge, polished and wrought into +scrolls, though there were a great many lines and angles about him. He was +a plain piece of green-ash, strong, yet elastic enough to bend when justice +demanded. He was not an expensive article, and therefore the interest the +public paid upon him was small. He would sit all day, amid the war and +tumult of contending litigants, and breast the storm of insult that was +heaped upon him from the right and the left, for four shillings and +sixpence. I do not mean to say that he lacked self-respect--no man +respected himself more--but he had, somehow or somewhere, imbibed the idea +that pettifoggers were entitled to great latitude of speech, and that he +was _paid_ for listening to them. I have seen the Squire many a time +passing through one of these conflicts, when _his_ name was used very +irreverently, holding as solemn a face as that worn by a marble statue of +Solon. + +Longbow's annual income amounted to about two hundred dollars a year, and +this Puddleford could "stand." But he had many duties to perform outside of +his office of magistrate to insure him this amount. As I have said +elsewhere, he was the grand Puddleford umpire, and, I am very certain, +settled more difficulties as a man than a magistrate. School and highway +districts and officers often got twisted in a snarl, and Longbow unravelled +the knot--right or wrong it matters not, he put a finish to the matter; +and, _whether_ right or wrong, reader, what difference did it make so long +as no one else knew it, and everybody had confidence? If confidence will +sustain a bank, ought not confidence to sustain Squire Longbow? + +And then A.'s pigs broke into B.'s garden--A.'s line-fence stood three feet +on B.'s land. A. swore there was a legal, lawful highway across B.'s land; +B. swore it was no such thing, and he would shoot the first man who +crossed it. A. called B. a thief, and B. called A. another. A. agreed to +break up for B., but never did, because B. refused to clear his land. A. +and B. exchanged horses; A.'s horse had the heaves, and B.'s was spavined; +and so on, trouble after trouble, how often and many in kind I cannot say, +Squire Longbow has brought to a compromise. These were extrajudicial +services, and the two hundred dollars a year covered all. + +If it had been possible to place Chief Justice Marshall, or even a finished +city lawyer, in the seat of Squire Longbow, how signally he must have +failed! He would have been utterly incompetent to the task, and would have +burned his books, and fled from the settlement under cover of night. +Confusion is often the best manager of confusion. A clean, clear, +analytical mind might have flashed now and then, but it could never have +governed the storm. While our finished lawyer was playing about a refined +distinction, Longbow would bury all distinctions "ten fathoms deep," and +end all controversy by repeating some old saying, and dismiss the whole +matter as summarily as the adjournment of a cause. + +Longbow was not only a good man, a cheap man, but he was a great man. +Greatness is relative, not absolute. I hope my friends do not intend to +dispute the truth of this proposition; because I have the documents to +prove it, when officially called upon to do so. Great men are like figures +on a thermometer--some thermometers, it is true, are much longer, and +contain a great many more figures than others. The only question any +ambitious man cares to ask is, how many figures there are on the scale +above his. The Puddleford thermometer was very short, dear reader, and +Longbow's figure was the highest. Is not this fame? Puddleford fame, say +you? Puddleford fame, indeed! It will outlast, I will wager my old hat, the +fame of nine tenths of the members of Congress, who have for the last ten +years blown themselves hoarse making speeches to their outraged and +indignant constituency. Why, Longbow's name will be remembered in +Puddleford years after his death; and how many names can you repeat of +those who strutted through the last Congress, or how many of the members +for your own district for the last thirty years? Fame, indeed! But I do not +wish to quarrel about so fleeting a thing as fame, and I will, therefore, +dismiss that subject. + +The politics of Puddleford were a little ridiculous; but Turtle's political +fun was used by him as a means to carry out an end. Turtle's patriotism and +Turtle's principles were beyond suspicion. Reader, there is no spot of +American soil more truly patriotic than Puddleford. There are no great +depositories--no central heart--in this country, from which American +principles flow; every _man_ is a centre, a law unto himself. Ike Turtle +was a centre; he was a kind of political wheel; ran on his own axis; +borrowed no propelling power from abroad, but kept himself whirling with +the spirit of '76, of which he had always a large supply on hand. He +reminded me of a fire-wheel, used on celebration days, he cast off so many +colored lights: now he whizzed; then he banged; now he shot forth stars; +then spears of flame; but he was still a wheel, and always set himself in +motion to some purpose. + +What shall I say of the theology of Puddleford? I have already alluded to +it in the pages of this work. Permit me to say more. Creeds travel with +men wherever they go. Creeds often colonize the wilderness; they have +nerved more hearts, stirred and sustained more souls, scattered more +civilization, than any or all other agents. But Puddleford was not settled +by any particular idea, civil or religious; yet the Puddlefordians brought +with them a great many ideas, both civil and religious. They were, however, +incidental, not primary. The religious exercises of the country were like +its people, ardent, strong, fiery, and often tempestuous. Bigelow Van Slyck +was an embodiment of Puddleford theology. He did not argue doctrine, for +two reasons: he did not know how, and he would not if he could; but, to use +his own language, "he took sin by the horns, and held it by main force." + +A quiet religion with a Puddlefordian was synonymous with no religion. +Religion with him was something to be seen, to touch, to handle. Puddleford +religion was often very noisy, and it manifested itself in many ways. We +used to have an outburst at camp-meeting, which was held once in each year +by the prevailing sect in the country. A camp-meeting! The reader has +attended a camp-meeting, I know; but _we_ had the genuine kind. Puddleford +was depopulated on such occasions; and its inhabitants, supplied with the +necessaries of life and a tent, went forth into the wilderness to give a +high tone to their piety. They wanted air, and space, and time. All this +was characteristic, and was like the people. What would _they_ have done +inside a temple of springing arches and fretted dome--of statues looking +coldly down from their niches--of pictured saints--where organ anthems +rolled and trembled? + +What to the Puddlefordians were the refinements of religious exercises? The +wild wood was their "temple not made with hands," columned, and curtained, +and festooned, and lit up by the sun at day, and the stars at night; and +here, in this temple, day after day, the people camped; in the more +immediate presence of the Most High built their watch-fires, that sent up +long streams of smoke over the green canopy that sheltered them, and knelt +down to pray. + +The theology of Puddleford was brought out in strong relief at these +meetings. They were business gatherings. The trials and crosses of every +member were freely canvassed, and consolation administered. The "inner +life" of each individual was thoroughly dissected--the spiritual condition +of the vineyard in general carefully examined; sermons preached strong +enough, both in voice and expression, to raise the dead; money was +collected for benevolent purposes, and many more duties performed, which I +cannot stop to mention. + +The reader sees that these men and women were laying the foundation timbers +of many sects that must follow them--follow them with their houses of +worship, their intelligence, their refinement, and, I may say, their +theological abstractions, their shadows, and shades, and points of +distinction. Who is there that could do Bigelow's work better than he? Who +is there that will ever toil and sweat more hours in his Master's vineyard? +And to whom will the posterity of Puddleford be more indebted? + +But, to drop the leading characters of Puddleford, let us go down a while +among the rank and file; let us examine _their_ condition. And here I may +get into trouble. Comparisons are said to be odious. I do not know who +said it, nor do I care; the motive which one has in view must determine the +truth of the remark. There was a vast deal of happiness in Puddleford. I do +not now remember one nervous woman in the place. Think of that. If +refinement brings its joys, it often covers a delicate, sensitive nature; +but there was nobody delicate or sensitive at Puddleford; nobody went into +fits because a rat crossed the floor, or a spider swung itself down in +their way. The evening air was never too damp, nor the morning sun too +oppressive. Labor made the people hardy, and an over-taxed brain hatched no +bugbears. I verily believe the nightmare was never known. There were no +persons tired of time--not that they had so much to do--but they were all +contented with time and things as they were. + +You have discovered that there was no society in Puddleford; and when I say +SOCIETY, I do not mean that there was no social intercourse, but society +organized and governed by rules and regulations. Here was another blessing. +Aunt Sonora never got into hysterics because Mrs. Beagles had not called on +her for three weeks. Aunt Sonora would say, that "Mrs. Beagles might stay +to hum as long as she was a min-ter." Aunt Sonora never worked herself up +into a frustration because her gingerbread didn't rise when Squire Longbow +took tea with her; but she just told the Squire, "he'd got-ter go it heavy, +or go without." And then Aunt Sonora was under no obligation to make +fashionable calls; she was not a fashionable lady; there was no fashion to +call on. She did not go around and throw in a little very cold respect into +her neighbor's parlor, because there were no parlors in Puddleford, and +Aunt Sonora couldn't for the life of her do a formal thing if there had +been. If she wanted to "blow out agin' any one," to use her language, why, +she blew out, and in their faces, too, because the rules of her society had +not taught her hypocrisy. + +There was another blessing. Puddlefordians were not continually tempted to +covet some new thing of their neighbors. A new bonnet now and then raised a +breeze; but no one was under any obligation to purchase a similar one. In +other words, the laws of society did not dictate what one should wear. Aunt +Sonora had worn her old plaid cloak for twenty years, and yet remained in +society. Mrs. Beagle's "Leghorn," which looked something like a corn-fan, +and came into the country with her, was orthodox. Turtle had a pair of +breeches old enough in all conscience, the legs cut off above the knees, +and turned, as he said, "hind side afore, to hide the holes in front," +which pettifogged as well as when they were new. Squire Longbow wore the +same clouded-blue stockings that he did when first elected magistrate; but +Mrs. Longbow had ravelled them up several times, and "footed them over." I +dislike, reader, to go into particulars, and thus expose the wardrobe of +the Puddlefordians, but I cannot express myself clearly on so important a +point in any other way; and I promised at the commencement of this sketch +to make it philosophical. + +I do not know how the reader will look on the blessings which I have just +enumerated. He may be a leader of fashion; the shade and tie of his +neckcloth may be as weighty and important a matter with him as his +reputation. He may be one of those who religiously believe that a man, at +a party, without a white vest, is no gentleman, and ought forthwith to be +kicked, in a genteel way, headlong into the street. He may think it vulgar +to laugh, and that no smile but a fashionable smile should be tolerated. He +_may_, I say--and may think me an ----. But just pause a moment. I am only +writing the history of Puddleford, my friend; and, besides, just sit down +coolly, and think of the luxury there must be in sojourning at a place +where one can wear his old clothes year in and year out, preserve public +respect, and cut and turn his breeches at that! + +The household furniture of the Puddlefordians was always in fashion; in +fact, there was a remarkable uniformity in this respect in all the cabins +in the settlement. The white-wood table, wooden chairs, the dozen cups and +saucers, the cook-stove and its furniture, bed and bedding, comprised the +stock of nearly every family. Turtle often said that the people "didn't +have as much furniter as the law allow'd 'em, and the state had got-ter +make it up." It is discovered that this equality was productive of +beneficial results. It was not possible for one Puddlefordian to envy +another Puddlefordian. There was no fancy hundred-dollar rocking-chair +exhibited to throw any one into spasms; there were no pianos bewitching the +souls and purses of the community. (Reader, _I_ have no spite against +pianos.) Why, in short, there was not anything there that was not there +when the pioneers first planted themselves on the soil. I recollect that +Sile Bates owned a pinchbeck watch, and Squire Longbow was the proprietor +of a "bull's-eye," and they were both wonders. The Squire and Sile once +attempted an exchange of these articles, and the transaction was so +momentous that all Puddleford was kept in excitement for three weeks. The +bargain was as important and solemn as a treaty between two high +contracting powers. There was one point in the trade that was positively +exciting. Sile had offered five dollars to boot, payable in saw-logs (no +person paid money at Puddleford, unless by special agreement, "'fore +witness"), and here the parties "hung fire" for several days. Turtle said +the Squire "orter to strike;" Beagles said, "he'd get skin'd if he did;" +Bulliphant said, "the pinchbeck was worn out;" Aunt Sonora said, her +husband "tell'd her, that a man tell'd him, that he know'd Longbow's +bull's-eye forty years afore, and it could scase tick then;" and much more +was said; but, alas! the trade, to use Ike's language, "fizzled out," and +Puddleford settled down again into its usual tranquillity. + +The philosophy of this attempted bargain is clear enough. There was nothing +in Puddleford to excite envy. What there was, was old; no new thing was +thrown in to tantalize. Longbow, it is true, once ventured upon a carpet, +but, as he was a magistrate, the enterprise was deemed very proper. Do you +not agree with me, that Puddleford had its blessings? Does not poverty +often "bring healing on its wings"? How many are there in the world that +would gladly flee from the chains of society, even to Puddleford, willing +to fling themselves in some just such by-place of the world, where they +could sit down perfectly independent, and take "their own ease in their own +inn?" How many, reader? + +I must not forget the charity of the Puddlefordians. Charity and +hospitality are distinguishing characteristics of western people. However +violent feuds might rage, suffering and want were relieved, so far as +there was an ability to do it. I have seen another kind of charity, a +fashionable article, used according to the laws of etiquette, and not +according to the laws of heartfelt sympathy. I do not know that any person +was ever neglected in Puddleford because he or she did not belong to a +particular church. Mrs. A. never refused to assist Mrs. B. in sickness, +because she and Mrs. B. did not visit, or because she did not know Mrs. B. +(That word, don't "_know_," in finished society, simply means, reader, that +the person holds no intercourse.) But everybody _did_ know everybody in +Puddleford; and when one of the number was stricken down by affliction, the +remainder all "turned in," and "put their shoulders to the wheel." Why, +bless you, reader, you ought to witness an eruption of Puddleford sympathy. +You ought to see Aunt Sonora, with her apron loaded with boneset, sage, and +a pail filled with gruel, hurrying along "for dear life," to relieve the +distressed--Mrs. Swipes, with a little mustard, or a bit of "jel"; Mrs. +Beagles, Aunt Graves, and Sister Abigail, with something else. Is not this +something? + +I must, however, draw my "Conclusion" to a close. Permit me to do it +gradually, as I have a word or two more to say, and I may never have +another opportunity. The reader has, by this time, become quite intimate +with the leading characters of Puddleford, and says, perhaps, "A queer +compound." But do you know, reader, that Longbow, and Turtle, and I do not +know how many more, trace their blood directly back to the Pilgrims? It is +"as true as fate." And how they have become so metamorphosed is the +question. Puddleford stock was, much of it, Puritan stock. Those old +stalwart heroes, whose hearts were a living coal; whose wills, granite; +whose home, heaven; who "walked by faith, not by sight;" before whose eyes +moved "the cloud by day, and the pillar of fire by night;" who heard voices +all around them, such as haunted John on the Isle of Patmos, are the +progenitors of Longbow and Turtle. What a country is this of ours, to have +worked such results! + +But I learned, upon inquiry, that Longbow's blood had experienced a very +serious pilgrimage since its departure from its New England head. It had +been mixed with Irish, and Scotch, and English, and German. In reality, the +Squire was a kind of "compound" of all nations, as most Americans are. If +it were possible to introduce Captain Standish, the military hero of 1620, +or Bradford, or Winslow, to Squire Longbow, they would look as wildly at +him as the boys did at poor Rip Van Winkle after his long sleep on the +mountain. I am sure they would not be able to detect any resemblance to the +Mayflower. They would find the Squire a little the worse for wear--ignorant +in spiritual matters--discover that his psalm-book was lost, and he as +blind as a beetle in the New-England catechism. But, after all, if they +probed him deep, they would strike much, very much, of the old stuff, +living and burning yet. + +The Squire's Pilgrim blood, too, had filled nearly all occupations in life. +It had been a sailor--the master of a vessel--a merchant--fought in the +Revolution--a preacher once, and once a lawyer. These facts I procured from +the Squire for my special use, and they may be relied upon. And now that +same blood was doing service at Puddleford as a magistrate. Whether blood +changes occupation, or occupation blood, is a physiological question that I +do not intend to debate. But that one can be surprised at any exhibition of +American character, after looking into the crosses and counter-crosses of +blood, is marvellous. + +Here is a sample of Puddleford blood, and such is the blood of many western +pioneers. How much the world is indebted to the pioneer! He lays the +foundation, let build who may. I regret the necessity of perpetrating a +ridiculous figure, but I cannot help it: he plants deep the _mud-sills_ of +empire, amid toil, and sweat, and groans, poverty and disease. The +superstructure is always reared by other hands. The columns and capitals +are the product of wealth and taste. How few of them reap the harvest, +their cabins, now standing deserted and silent, and strewn thousands of +miles over the West and North-west, abundantly testify. + +The pioneer severs all connection between himself and the past when he +enters upon his work. I have already remarked that Puddleford had no past. +He breaks all local ties, and snaps in twain the golden threads that link +him to his home. The caravan that winds away from the old hearth-stone, +where the first kiss was imprinted, the first prayer offered, where the +winter cricket sang as the tempest roared without, and devotes itself to a +wilderness, leaves behind what can never be found again. The barefooted +striplings who gambol with it--the immortal seed to be sown, and to +sow--from whose loins giants in thought, word, and action will spring--"may +forget," and themselves become new centres of new associations--but men and +women never. + +What constitutes a man?--a nation? Inhabitants only? The songs of a people +stir them up to revolution--and what are they but the glowing language of +the associations of the soul? What is Bannockburn to a savage? A plain, +over which the winds blow and the thistles gather. What to a Scotchman? A +living, breathing host! What to the pioneer is the memory of that church +steeple that flung its long shadow over his boyhood, around whose vane the +swallows whirled, and the evening sun lingered?--that bell that swung high +therein?--the torrent that roared through his early years, and wove its +music into his very being?--the lone cliff, where the cloud slept and the +eagle rested? These all are a part of the man himself; and when he is torn +from them, his very nature receives a shock, and he has lost, he hardly +knows how or where, a portion of his very existence. + +Reader, you and I must part. How I ever happened to write the history of +Puddleford is more than I can say. I have more than once been frightened at +my impudence. In all probability you will never hear of me again in +print--and, before we separate, reach me your hand--(if it is a lady's, it +is all the better)--"Good by to you, my friend;" and if you should stray +into Puddleford, I will set apart an hour, and give you an introduction to +Squire Longbow--an honor to which, I am very sure, you cannot be insensible +or indifferent. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Puddleford Papers,, by H. H. 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