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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-14 20:06:21 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/36703-8.txt b/36703-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ca2b303 --- /dev/null +++ b/36703-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3292 @@ +Project Gutenberg's A Bayard From Bengal, by Hurry Bungsho Jabberjee + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Bayard From Bengal + Being some account of the Magnificent and Spanking Career + of Chunder Bindabun Bhosh,... + +Author: Hurry Bungsho Jabberjee + +Editor: F. Anstey + +Illustrator: Bernard Partridge + +Release Date: July 11, 2011 [EBook #36703] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A BAYARD FROM BENGAL *** + + + + +Produced by Chris Curnow, Matthew Wheaton and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + + + + + + + + +A BAYARD FROM BENGAL + + + [Illustration: EXHORTED HER, WITH AN ELOQUENCE THAT MOVED ALL + PRESENT, TO ABANDON HER FRIVOLITIES AND LEVITIES (Frontispiece)] + + + A BAYARD FROM BENGAL + + BEING SOME ACCOUNT OF THE MAGNIFICENT AND SPANKING CAREER OF + CHUNDER BINDABUN BHOSH, ESQ., B.A., CAMBRIDGE, BY HURRY + BUNGSHO JABBERJEE, B.A., CALCUTTA UNIVERSITY, AUTHOR OF + "JOTTINGS AND TITTLINGS," ETC., ETC., TO WHICH IS APPENDED THE + PARABLES AND PROVERBS OF PILJOSH, FREELY TRANSLATED FROM THE + ORIGINAL STYPTIC BY ANOTHER HAND, WITH INTRODUCTION, NOTES AND + APPENDIX BY THE ABOVE HURRY BUNGSHO JABBERJEE, B.A. + + THE WHOLE EDITED AND REVISED + BY + F. ANSTEY + AUTHOR OF "VICE VERSA," ETC. ETC. + + WITH EIGHT ILLUSTRATIONS BY BERNARD PARTRIDGE + + METHUEN & CO. + 36 ESSEX STREET, W.C. + LONDON + 1902 + + + _Reprinted from_ "PUNCH" + + + + + CONTENTS + + + CHAP. + + I. FROM CALCUTTA TO CAMBRIDGE OVERSEA ROUTE + + II. HOW MR BHOSH DELIVERED A DAMSEL FROM A DEMENTED COW + + III. THE INVOLUNTARY FASCINATOR + + IV. A KICK FROM A FRIENDLY FOOt + + V. THE DUEL TO THE DEATH + + VI. LORD JOLLY IS SATISFIED + + VII. THE ADVENTURE OF THE UNWIELDY GIFTHORSE + + VIII. A RIGHTABOUT FACER FOR MR BHOSH + + IX. THE DARK HORSE + + X. TRUST HER NOT! SHE IS FOOLING THEE! + + XI. STONE WALLS DO NOT MAKE A CAGE + + XII. A RACE AGAINST TIME + + XIII. A SENSATIONAL DERBY STRUGGLE + + XIV. A GRAND FINISH + + * * * * * + + THE PARABLES OF PILJOSH + + + + +PRELIMINARY + + +I have the honour humbly to inform my readers that, after prolonged +consumption of midnight oil, I succeeded in completing this imposing +society novel, which is now, by the indulgence of my friends and kind +fathers, the honble publishers, laid at their feet. + +My inducement to this enterprise was the spectacle of very inferior +rubbish palmed off by so-called popular novelists such as Honbles +Kipling, Joshua Barrie, Antony Weyman, Stanley Hope, and the +collaborative but feminine authoresses of "The Red Thumb in the +Pottage," all of whom profess (very, very incorrectly) to give accurate +reliable descriptions of Indian, English or Scotch episodes. + +The pity of it, that a magnificent and gullible British Public should be +suckled like a babe on such spoonmeat and small beer! + +Would no one arise, inflamed by the pure enthusiasm of his _cacoethes +scribendi_, and write a romance which shall secure the plerophory of +British, American, Anglo-Indian, Colonial, and Continental readers by +dint of its imaginary power and slavish fidelity to Nature? + +And since Echo answered that no one replied to this invitation, I (like +a fool, as some will say) rushed in where angels were apprehensive of +being too bulky to be borne. + +Being naturally acquainted with gentlemen of my own nationality and +education, and also, of course, knowing London and suburban society _ab +ovo usque ad mala_ (or, from the new-laid egg to the stage when it is +beginning to go bad), I decided to take as my theme the adventures of a +typically splendid representative of Young India on British soil, and I +am in earnest hopes to avoid the shocking solecisms and exaggerations +indulged in by ordinary English novelists. + +I have been compelled to take to penmanship of this sort owing to +pressure of _res angusta domi_, the immoderate increase of hostages +to fortune, and proportionate falling off of emoluments from my +profession as Barrister-at-Law. + +Therefore, I hope that all concerned will smile favourably upon my new +departure, and will please kindly understand that, if my English +literary style has suffered any deterioration, it is solely due to my +being out of practice, and such spots on the sun must be excused as mere +flies in ointment. + +After forming my resolution of writing a large novel, I confided it to +my crony, Mr Ram Ashootosh Lall, who warmly recommended me to persevere +in such a _magnum opus_. So I became divinely inflated periodically +every evening from 8 to 12 P.M., disregarding all entreaties from +feminine relatives to stop and indulge in a blow-out on ordinary +eatables, like Archimedes when Troy was captured, who was so engrossed +in writing prepositions on the sand that he was totally unaware that he +was being barbarously slaughtered. + +And at length my colossal effusion was completed, and I had written +myself out; after which I had the indescribable joy and felicity to read +my composition to my mothers-in-law and wives and their respective +progenies and offspring, whereupon, although they were not acquainted +with a word of English, they were overcome by such severe admiration for +my fecundity and native eloquence that they swooned with rapture. + +I am not a superstitious, but I took the trouble to consult a +soothsayer, as to the probable fortunes of my undertaking, and he at +once confidently predicted that my novel was to render all readers dumb +as fishes with sheer amazement and prove a very fine feather in my cap. + +For all the above reasons, I am modestly confident that it will be +generally recognised as a masterpiece, especially when it is remembered +that it is the work of a native Indian, whose 'prentice hand is still a +novice in wielding the _currente calamo_ of fiction. + +I cannot conclude without some allusion to the drawings which are, I +believe, to adorn my work, but which I have not yet been enabled to +inspect, owing to the fact that, having fish of more importance to fry +at the time, I commissioned a certain young English friend (the same who +furnished sundry poetic headings for chapters) to engage a designer for +the pictorial department. + +Needless to say, I intended that he was to award the apple only to some +Royal Academician of distinguished talents--yet at the eleventh hour, +when too late to make other arrangements, I am informed that the job has +been entrusted to a certain Birnadhur Pahtridhji, whose name (though +probably incorrectly transcribed) certainly denotes a draughtsman of +native Indian origin! + +Whether he is fully competent for such a task I cannot at present say. +But, unless he is qualified, like myself, by actual residence in Great +Britain, I fear that he may not possess sufficient familiarity with the +customs and solecisms of English society to avoid at least a few +ludicrous and even lamentable mistakes. + +To guard against such contingencies I shall insert a note or comment +opposite each picture as it is submitted to me, pointing out in what +respects (if any) the artist has failed to represent the author's +intentions. + +I sincerely hope that I may now and then be able to pat the aforesaid Mr +P. on the back instead of acting as a Rhadamanthus to rap his knuckles. + + + + +CHAPTER I + +FROM CALCUTTA TO CAMBRIDGE OVERSEA ROUTE + + At sea the stoutest stomach jerks, + Far, far away from native soil, + When Ocean's heaving waterworks + Burst out in Brobdingnagian boil! + + _Stanza written at Sea, by H. B. J. (unpublished)._ + + +The waves of Neptune erected their seething and angry crests to +incredible altitudes; overhead in fuliginous storm-clouds the thunder +rumbled its terrific bellows, and from time to time the ghastly flare of +lightning illuminated the entire neighbourhood. The tempest howled like +a lost dog through the cordage of the good ship _Rohilkund_ (Captain O. +Williams), which lurched through the vasty deep as though overtaken by +the drop too much. + +At one moment her poop was pointed towards celestial regions; at another +it aimed itself at the recesses of Davey Jones's locker; and such was +the fury of the gale that only a paucity of the ship's passengers +remained perpendicular, and Mr Chunder Bindabun Bhosh was recumbent on +his beam end, prostrated by severe sickishness, and hourly expecting to +become initiated in the Great Secret. + +Bitterly did he lament his hard lines in venturing upon the Black Water, +to be snipped off in the flower of his adolescence, and never again to +behold the beloved visages of his relations! + +So heartrending were his tears and groans that they moved all on board, +and Honble Mr Commissioner Copsey, who was returning on leave, kindly +came to inquire the cause of such vociferous lachrymation. + +"What is the matter, Baboo?" began the Commissioner in paternal tones. +"Why are you kicking up the shindy of such a deuce's own hullabaloo?" + +"Because, honble Sir," responded Mr Bhosh, "I am in lively expectation +that waters will rush in and extinguish my vital spark." + +"Pooh!" said Mr Commissioner, genially. "This is only the moiety of a +gale, and there is not the slightest danger." + +Having received this assurance, Mr Bhosh's natural courage revived, and, +coming up on deck, he braved the tempest with the cool composure of a +cucumber, admonishing all his fellow-passengers that they were not to +give way to panic, seeing that Death was the common lot of all, and, +though everyone must die once, it was an experience that could not be +repeated, with much philosophy of a similar kind which astonished many +who had falsely supposed him to be a pusillanimous. + +The remainder of the voyage was uneventful, and, soon after setting his +feet on British territory, Mr Bhosh became an alumnus and undergraduate +of the _Alma Mater_ of Cambridge. + +I shall not attempt to relate at any great length the history of his +collegiate career, because, being myself a graduate of Calcutta +University, I am not, of course, proficient in the customs and +etiquettes of any rival seminaries, and should probably make one or two +trivial slips which would instantly be pounced upon and held up for +derision by carping critics. + +So I shall content myself with mentioning a few leading facts and +incidents. Mr Bhosh very soon wormed himself into the good graces of his +fellow college boys, and his principal friend and _fidus Achates_ was a +young high-spirited aristocrat entitled Lord Jack Jolly, the only son of +an earl who had lately been promoted to the dignity of a baronetcy. + +Lord Jolly and Mr Bhosh were soon as inseparable as a Dæmon and +Pythoness, and, though no nabob to wallow in filthy lucre, Mr Bhosh gave +frequent entertainments to his friends, who were hugely delighted by +the elegance of his hospitality and the garrulity of his conversation. + +Unfortunately the fame of these Barmecide feasts soon penetrated the +ears of the College _gurus_, and Mr Bhosh's _Moolovee_ sent for him and +severely reprimanded him for neglecting to study for his Little-go +degree, and squandering his immense abilities and talents on mere +guzzling. + +Whereupon Mr Bhosh shed tears of contrition, embracing the feet of his +senile tutor, and promising that, if only he was restored to favour he +would become more diligent in future. + +And honourably did he fulfil this _nudum pactum_, for he became a most +exemplary bookworm, burning his midnight candle at both ends in the +endeavour to cram his mind with _belles lettres_. + +But he was assailed by a temptation which I cannot forbear to chronicle. +One evening as he was poring over his learned tomes, who should arrive +but a deputation of prominent Cambridge boatmen and athletics, to +entreat him to accept a stroke oar of the University eight in the +forthcoming race with Oxford College! + +This, as all aquatics will agree, was no small compliment--particularly +to one who was so totally unversed in wielding the flashing oar. But the +authorities had beheld him propelling a punt boat with marvellous +dexterity by dint of a paddle, and, taking the length of his foot on +that occasion, they had divined a Hercules and ardently desired him as a +confederate. + +Mr Bhosh was profoundly moved: "College misters and friends," he said, +"I welcome this invitation with a joyful and thankful heart, as an +honour--not to this poor self, but to Young India. Nevertheless, I am +compelled by _Dira Necessitas_ to return the polite negative. Gladly I +would help you to inflict crushing defeat upon our presumptuous foe, but +'I see a hand you cannot see that beckons me away; I hear a voice you +cannot hear that wheezes "Not to-day!"' In other words, gentlemen, I am +now actively engaged in the Titanic struggle to floor Little-go. It is +glorious to obtain a victory over Oxonian rivals, but, misters, there is +an enemy it is still more glorious to pulverize, and that enemy +is--one's self!" + +The deputation then withdrew with falling crests, though unable to +refrain from admiring the firmness and fortitude which a mere Native +student had nilled an invitation which to most European youths would +have proved an irresistible attraction. + +Nor did they cherish any resentment against Mr Bhosh, even when, in the +famous inter-collegiate race of that year from Hammersmith to Putney, +Cambridge was ingloriously bumped, and Oxford won in a common canter. + + + + +CHAPTER II + +HOW MR BHOSH DELIVERED A DAMSEL FROM A DEMENTED COW + + O Cow! in hours of mental ease + Thou chewest cuds beneath the trees; + But ah! when madness racks thy brow, + An awkward customer art thou! + + _Nature Poem furnished (to order) by young English Friend._ + + +Mr Bhosh's diligence at his books was rewarded by getting through his +Little-go with such _éclat_ that he was admitted to become a +baccalaureate, and further presented with the greatest distinction the +Vice-Chancellor could bestow upon him, viz., the title of a Wooden +Spoon! + +But here I must not omit to narrate a somewhat startling catastrophe in +which Mr Bhosh figured as the god out of machinery. It was on an +afternoon before he went up to pass his Little-go exam, and, since all +work and no play is apt to render any Jack a dull, he was recreating +himself by a solitary promenade in some fields in the vicinity of +Cambridge, when suddenly his startled ears were dumbfounded to perceive +the blood-curdling sound of loud female vociferations! + +On looking up from his reverie, he was horrified by the spectacle of a +young and beauteous maiden being vehemently pursued by an irate cow, +whose reasoning faculties were too obviously, in the words of Ophelia, +"like sweet bells bangled," or, in other words, _non compos mentis_, and +having rats in her upper story! + +The young lady, possessing the start and also the advantage of superior +juvenility, had the precedence of the cow by several yards, and attained +the umbrageous shelter of a tree stem, behind which she tremulously +awaited the arrival of her blood-thirsty antagonist. + +As he noted her jewel-like eyes, profuse hair, and panting bosom, Mr +Bhosh's triangle of flesh[1] was instantaneously ignited by love at +first sight (the intelligent reader will please understand that the +foregoing refers to the maiden and not at all to the cow, which was of +no excessive pulchritude--but I am not to be responsible for the +ambiguities of the English language). + +[1] _Videlicet_: his heart. + +There was not a moment to be squandered; Mr Bhosh had just time to +recommend her earnestly to remain _in statu quo_, before setting off to +run _ventre à terre_ in the direction whence he had come. The distracted +animal, abandoning the female in distress, immediately commenced to +hue-and-cry after our hero, who was compelled to cast behind him his +collegiate cap, like tub to a whale. + +The savage cow ruthlessly impaled the cap on one of its horns, and then +resumed the chase. + +Mr Bhosh scampered for his full value, but, with all his incredible +activity, he had the misery of feeling his alternate heels scorched by +the fiery snorts of the maniacal quadruped. + +Then he stripped from his shoulders his student's robe, relinquishing it +to the tender mercies of his ruthless persecutress while he nimbly +surmounted a gate. The cow only delayed sufficiently to rend the garment +into innumerable fragments, after which it cleared the gate with a +single hop, and renewed the chase after Mr Bhosh's stern, till he was +forced to discard his ivory-headed umbrella to the animal's destroying +fury. + +This enabled him to gain the walls of the town and reach the bazaar, +where the whole population was in consternation at witnessing such a +shuddering race for life, and made themselves conspicuous by their +absence in back streets. + +Mr Bhosh, however, ran on undauntedly, until, perceiving that the +delirious creature was irrevocably bent on running him to earth, he took +the flying leap into the shop of a cheese merchant, where he cleverly +entrenched himself behind the receipt of custom. + +With the headlong impetuosity of a distraught the cow followed, and +charged the barrier with such insensate fury that her horns and +appertaining head were inextricably imbedded in a large tub of margarine +butter. + +At this our hero, judging that the wings of his formidable foe were at +last clipped, sallied boldly forth, and, summoning a police-officer, +gave the animal into custody as a disturber of the peace. + +By such coolness and _savoir faire_ in a distressing emergency he +acquired great _kudos_ in the eyes of all his fellow-students, who +regarded him as the conquering hero. + +Alas and alack! when he repaired to the field to receive the thanks and +praises of the maiden he had so fortunately delivered, he had the +mortification to discover that she had vanished, and left not a wreck +behind her! Nor with all his endeavours could he so much as learn +her name, condition, or whereabouts, but the remembrance of her manifold +charms rendered him moonstruck with the tender passion, and +notwithstanding his success in flooring the most difficult exams, his +bosom's lord sat tightly on its throne, and was not to jump until he +should again (if ever) confront his mysterious fascinator. + + [Illustration: GAVE THE ANIMAL INTO CUSTODY AS A DISTURBER OF THE + PEACE (Illustration II)] + +Having emerged from the shell of his _statu pupillari_ under the +fostering warmth of his Alma Mater, Mr Bhosh next proceeded as a +full-fledged B.A. to the Metropolis, and became a candidate for forensic +honours at one of the legal temples, lodging under the elegant roof of a +matron who regarded him as her beloved son for Rs. 21 per week, and +attending lectures with such assiduity that he soon acquired a nodding +acquaintance with every branch of jurisprudence. + +And when he went up for Bar Exam., he displayed his phenomenal +proficiency to such an extent that the Lord Chancellor begged him to +accept one of the best seats on the Judges' bench, an honour which, to +the best of this deponent's knowledge and belief, has seldom before been +offered to a raw tyro, and never, certainly, to a young Indian student. +However, with rare modesty Mr Bhosh declined the offer, not considering +himself sufficiently ripe as yet to lay down laws, and also desirous of +gathering roses while he might, and mixing himself in first-class +English societies. + +I am painfully aware that such incidents as the above will seem very +mediocre and humdrum to most readers, but I shall request them to +remember that no hero can achieve anything very striking while he is +still a hobbardehoy, and that I cannot--like some popular +novelists--insult their intelligences by concocting cock-and-bull +occurrences which the smallest exercise of ordinary commonsense must +show to be totally incredible. + +By and bye, when I come to deal with Mr Bhosh's experiences in the upper +tenth of London society, with which I may claim to have rather a +profound familiarity, I will boldly undertake that there shall be no +lack of excitement. + +Therefore, have a little patience, indulgent Misters! + + + + +CHAPTER III + +THE INVOLUNTARY FASCINATOR + + Please do not pester me with unwelcome attentions, + Since to respond I have no intentions! + Your Charms are deserving of honourable mentions-- + But previous attachment compels these abstentions! + + "AN UNWILLING WOOED TO HIS WOOER." + + _Original unpublished Poem by H. B. J._ + + +Mr Bhosh was very soon enabled to make his _debût_ as a pleader, for the +_Mooktears_ sent him briefs as thick as an Autumn leaf in Vallambrosa, +and, having on one occasion to prosecute a youth who had embezzled an +elderly matron, Mr Bhosh's eloquence and pathos melted the jury into a +flood of tears which procured the triumphant acquittal of the prisoner. + +But the bow of Achilles (which, as Poet Homer informs us, was his only +vulnerable point) must be untied occasionally, and accordingly Mr Bhosh +occasionally figured as the gay dog in upper-class societies, and was +not long in winning a reputation in smart circles as a champion bounder. + +For he did greet those he met with a pleasant, obsequious affability and +familiarity, which easily endeared him to all hearts. In his appearance +he would--but for a somewhat mediocre stature and tendency to a +precocious obesity--have strikingly resembled the well-known statuary of +the Apollo Bellevue, and he was in consequence inordinately admired by +aristocratic feminines, who were enthralled by the fluency of his small +talk, and competed desperately for the honour of his company at their +"Afternoon-At-Home-Teas." + +It was at one of these exclusive festivities that he first met the +Duchess Dickinson, and (as we shall see hereafter) that meeting took +place in an evil-ominous hour for our hero. As it happened, the +honourable highborn hostess proposed a certain cardgame known as "Penny +Napkin," and fate decreed that Mr Bhosh should sit contiguous to the +Duchess's Grace, who by lucky speculations was the winner of +incalculable riches. + +But, hoity toity! what were his dismay and horror, when he detected that +by her legerdemain in double-dealing she habitually contrived to assign +herself five pictured cards of leading importance! + +How to act in such an unprecedented dilemma? As a chivalrous, it was +repugnant to him to accuse a Duchess of sharping at cards, and yet at +the same time he could not stake his fortune against such a foregone +conclusion! + +So he very tactfully contrived by engaging the Duchess's attention to +substitute his card-hand for hers, and thus effect the exchange which is +no robbery, and she, finally observing his _finesse_, and struck by the +delicacy with which he had so unostentatiously rebuked her duplicity, +earnestly desired his further acquaintance. + +For a time Mr Bhosh, doubtless obeying one of those supernatural and +presentimental monitions which were undreamt of in the Horatian +philosophy, resisted all her advances--but alas! the hour arrived in +which he became as Simpson with Delilah. + +It was at the very summit of the Season, during a brilliantly +fashionable ball at the Ladbroke Hall, Archer Street, Bayswater, whither +all the _élites_ of tip-top London Society had congregated. + +Mr Bhosh was present, but standing apart, overcome with bashfulness at +the paucity of upper feminine apparel and designing to take his +premature hook, when the beauteous Duchess in passing surreptitiously +flung over him a dainty nose-handkerchief deliciously perfumed with +extract of cherry blossoms. + +With native penetration into feminine coquetries he interpreted this as +an intimation that she desired to dance with him, and, though not +proficient in such exercises, he made one or two revolutions round the +room with her co-operation, after which they retired to an alcove and +ate raspberry ices and drank lemonade. Mr Bhosh's sparkling +tittle-tattle completely achieved the Duchess's conquest, for he +possessed that magical gift of the gab which inspired the tender passion +without any connivance on his own part. + +And, although the Duchess was no longer the chicken, having attained her +thirtieth lustre, she was splendidly well preserved; with huge flashing +eyes like searchlights in a face resembling the full moon; of tall +stature and proportionate plumpness; most young men would have been +puffed out by pride at obtaining such a tip-top admirer. + +Not so our hero, whose manly heart was totally monopolised by the image +of the fair unknown whom he had rescued at Cambridge from the savage +clutches of a horned cow, and although, after receiving from the Duchess +a musk-scented postal card, requesting his company on a certain evening, +he decided to keep the appointed tryst, it was only against his will and +after heaving many sighs. + +On reaching the Duchess's palace, which was situated in Pembridge +Square, Bayswater, he had the mortification to perceive that he was by +no means the only guest, since the reception halls were thickly +populated by gilded worldlings. But the Duchess advanced to greet him in +a very kind, effusive manner, and, intimating that it was impossible to +converse with comfort in such a crowd, she led him to a small side-room, +where she seated him on a couch by her side and invited him to +discourse. + +Mr Bhosh discoursed accordingly, paying her several high-flown +compliments by which she appeared immoderately pleased, and discoursed +in her turn of instinctive sympathies, until our hero was wriggling like +an eel with embarrassment at what she was to say next, and at this point +Duke Dickinson suddenly entered and reminded his spouse in rather abrupt +fashion that she was neglecting her remaining guests. + +After the Duchess's departure, Mr Bhosh, with the feelings of an innate +gentleman, felt constrained to make his sincere apologies to his ducal +entertainer for having so engrossed his better half, frankly explaining +that she had exhibited such a marked preference for his society that he +had been deprived of all option in the matter, further assuring his +dukeship that he by no means reciprocated the lady's sentiments, and +delicately recommending that he was to keep a rather more lynxlike eye +in future upon her proceedings. + +To which the Duke, greatly agitated, replied that he was unspeakably +obliged for the caution, and requested Mr Bhosh to depart at once and +remain an absentee for the future. Which our friend cheerfully undertook +to perform, and, in taking leave of the Duchess, exhorted her, with an +eloquence that moved all present, to abandon her frivolities and +levities and adopt a deportment more becoming to her matronly exterior. + +The reader would naturally imagine that she would have been grateful for +so friendly and well-meant a hint--but oh, dear! it was quite the +reverse, for from a loving friend she was transformed into a bitter and +most unscrupulous enemy, as we shall find in forthcoming chapters. + +Truly it is not possible to fathom the perversities of the feminine +disposition! + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +A KICK FROM A FRIENDLY FOOT + + She is a radiant damsel with features fair and fine; + But since betrothed to Bosom's friend she never can be mine! + + _Original Poem by H. B. J. (unpublished)._ + + +Mr Bhosh's bosom-friend, the Lord Jack Jolly, had kindly undertaken to +officiate as his Palinurus and steer him safely from the Scylla to the +Charybdis of the London Season, and one day Lord Jolly arrived at our +hero's apartments as the bearer of an invite from his honble parent the +Baronet, to partake of tiffin at their ancestral abode in Chepstow +Villas, which Bindabun gratefully accepted. + +Arrived at the Jollies' sumptuous interior, a numerous retinue of +pampered menials and gilded flunkies divested Mr Bhosh of his hat and +umbrella and ushered him into the hall of audience. + +"Bhosh, my dear old pal," said Lord Jack, "I have news for you. I am +engaged as a Benedict, and am shortly to celebrate matrimony with a +young goodlooking female--the Princess Petunia Jones." + +"My lord," replied Mr Bhosh, "suffer me to hang around your patrician +neck the floral garland of my humble congratulations." + +"My dear Bhosh," responded the youthful peer of the realm, "I regard you +as more than a brother, and am confident that when my betrothed beholds +your countenance, she will conceive for you a similar lively affection. +But hush! here she comes to answer for herself.... Princess, permit me +to present to you the best and finest friend I possess, Mr Bindabun +Bhosh." + +Mr Bhosh modestly lowered his optics as he salaamed with inimitable +grace, and it was not until he had resumed his perpendicular that he +recognised in the Princess Jones the charming unknown whom he had last +beheld engaged in repelling the assault of a distracted cow! + +Their eyes were no sooner crossed than he knew that she regarded him as +her deliverer, and was consumed by the most ardent affection for him. +But Mr Bhosh repressed himself with heroic magnanimity, for he reflected +that she was the affianced of his dearest friend and that it was +contrary to _bon ton_ to poach another's jam. + +So he merely said; "How do you do? It is a very fine day. I am delighted +to make your acquaintance," and turning on his heels with a profound +curtsey, he left her flabbergasted with mortification. + +But those only who have compressed their souls in the shoe of +self-sacrifice know how devilishly it pinches, and Mr Bhosh's grief was +so acute that he rolled incessantly on his couch while the radiant image +of his divinity danced tantalisingly before his bloodshot vision. + +Eventually he became calmer, and after plunging his fervid body into a +foot-bath, he showed himself once more in society, assuming an air of +meretricious waggishness to conceal the worm that was busily cankering +his internals, and so successful was he that Lord Jack was entirely +deceived by his _vis comica_, and invited him to spend the Autumn up the +country with his respectable parents. + +Mr Bhosh accepted--but when he knew that Princess Petunia was also to be +one of the _amis de la maison_, he was greatly concerned at the prospect +of infallibly reviving her love by his propinquity, and thereby +inflicting the cup of calamity on his best friend. Willingly would he +have imparted the whole truth to his Lordship and counselled him to +postpone the Princess's visit until he, himself, should have +departed--but, ah me! with all his virtue he was not a Roman Palladium +that he should resist the delight of philandery with the radiant queen +of his soul. So he kept his tongue in his cheek. + +However, when they met in the ancient and rural castle he constrained +himself, in conversing with her, to enlarge enthusiastically upon the +excellences of Lord Jack. "What a good, ripping, gentlemanly fellow he +was, and how certain to make a best quality husband!" Princess Jones +listened to these encomiums with tender sighing, while her soft large +orbs rested on Mr Bhosh with ever-increasing admiration. + +No one noticed how, after these elephantine efforts at self-denial, he +would silently slip away and weep salt and bitter tears as he weltered +dolefully on a doormat; nor was it perceived that the Princess herself +was become thin as a weasel with disappointed love. + +Being the ardent sportsman, Mr Bhosh sought to drown his sorrow with +pleasures of the chase. + +He would sally forth alone, with no other armament than a breechloading +rifle, and endeavour to slay the wild rabbits which infested the +Baronet's domains, and sometimes he had the good fortune to slaughter +one or two. Or he would take a Rod and hooks and a few worms, and +angle for salmons; or else he would stalk partridges, and once he even +assisted in a foxhunt, when he easily outstripped all the dogs and +singly confronted Master Reynard, who had turned to bay savagely at his +nose. But Bindabun undauntedly descended from his horse, and, drawing +his hunting dagger, so dismayed the beast by his determined and +ferocious aspect that it turned its tail and fled into some other part +of the country, which earned him the heartfelt thanks from his fellow +Nimrods. + + [Illustration: DISMAYED THE BEAST BY HIS DETERMINED AND FEROCIOUS + ASPECT (Illustration III)] + +Naturally, such feats of arms as these only served to inflame the ardour +of the Princess, to whom it was a constant wonderment that Mr Bhosh did +never, even in the most roundabout style, allude to the fact that he had +saved her life from perishing miserably on the pointed horn of an +enraged cow. + +She could not understand that the Native temperament is too sheepishly +modest to flaunt its deeds of heroism. + +Those who are _au fait_ in knowledge of the world are aware that when +there are combustibles concealed in any domestic interior, there is +always a person sooner or later who will contrive to blow them off; and +here, too, the Serpent of Mischief was waiting to step in with cloven +hoof and play the very deuce. + +It so happened that the Duchess occupied the adjacent bungalow to that +of Baronet Jolly and his lady, with whom she was hail-fellow-well-met, +and this perfidious female set herself to ensnare the confidence of the +young and innocent Princess by discreetly lauding the praises of Mr +Bhosh. + +"What an admirable Indian Crichton! How many rabbits and salmons had he +laid low that week? Truly, she regarded him as a favourite son, and +marvelled that any youthful feminine could prefer an ordinary peer like +Lord Jolly to a Native paragon who was not only a university B.A., but +had successfully passed Bar Exam!" and so forth and so on. + +The princess readily fell into this insidious booby-trap, and confessed +the violence of her attachment, and how she had striven to acquaint Mr +Bhosh with her sentiments but was rendered inarticulate by maidenly +bashfulness. + +"Can you not then slip a love-letter into his hand?" inquired the +Duchess. + +"_Cui bono?_" responded the Princess, sadly. "Seeing that he never +approaches near enough to me to receive such a missive, and I dare not +entrust it to one of my maidens!" + +"Why not to Me?" said the Duchess. "He will not refuse it coming from +myself; moreover, I have influence over him and will soften his heart +towards thee." + +Accordingly the Princess indicted a rather impassioned love-letter, in +which she assured Mr Bhosh that she had divined his secret passion and +fully reciprocated it, also that she was the total indifferent to Lord +Jack, with much other similar matters. + +Having obtained possession of this _litera scripta_, what does the +unscrupulous Duchess next but deliver it _impromptu_ into the hands of +Lord Jack, who, after perusing it, was overcome by uncontrollable wrath +and instantaneously summoned our hero to his presence. + +Here was the pretty kettle of fish--but I must reserve the sequel for +the next chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER V + +THE DUEL TO THE DEATH + + The ordinary valour only works + At those rare intervals when peril lurks; + There is a courage, scarcer far, and stranger, + Which nothing can intimidate but danger. + + _Original Stanza by H. B. J._ + + +No sooner had Mr Bhosh obeyed the summons of Lord Jack, than the latter +not only violently reproached him for having embezzled the heart of his +chosen bride, but inflicted upon him sundry severe kicks from behind, +barbarously threatening to encore the proceeding unless Chunder +instantaneously agreed to meet him in a mortal combat. + +Our hero, though grievously hurt, did not abandon his presence of mind +in his tight fix. Seating himself upon a divan, so as to obviate any +repetition of such treatment, he thus addressed his former friend: "My +dear Jack, Plato observes that anger is an abbreviated form of insanity. +Do not let us fall out about so mere a trifle, since one friend is the +equivalent of many females. Is it my fault that feminines overwhelm me +with unsought affections? Let us both remember that we are men of the +world, and if you on your side will overlook the fact that I have +unwittingly fascinated your _fiancée_, I, on mine, am ready to forget my +unmerciful kickings." + +But Lord Jolly violently rejected such a give-and-take compromise, and +again declared that if Mr Bhosh declined to fight he was to receive +further kicks. Upon this Chunder demanded time for reflection; he was no +bellicose, but he reasoned thus with his soul: "It is not certain that a +bullet will hit--whereas, it is impossible for a kick to miss its mark." + +So, weeping to find himself between a deep sea and the devil of a +kicking, he accepted the challenge, feeling like Imperial Cæsar, when +he found himself compelled to climb up a rubicon after having burnt his +boots! + +Being naturally reluctant to kick his brimming bucket of life while +still a lusty juvenile, Mr Bhosh was occupied in lamenting the +injudiciousness of Providence when he was most unexpectedly relieved by +the entrance of his lady-love, the Princess Jones, who, having heard +that her letter had fallen into Lord Jack's hands, and that a sanguinary +encounter would shortly transpire, had cast off every rag of maidenly +propriety, and sought a clandestine interview. + +She brought Bindabun the gratifying intelligence that she was a _persona +grata_ with his lordship's seconder, Mr Bodgers, who was to load the +deadly weapons, and who, at her request, had promised to do so with +cartridges from which the bullets had previously been bereft. + +Such a piece of good news so enlivened Mr Bhosh, that he immediately +recovered his usual serenity, and astounded all by his perfect +nonchalance. It was arranged that the tragical affair should come off in +the back garden of Baronet Jolly's castle, immediately after breakfast, +in the presence of a few select friends and neighbours, among +whom--needless to say--was Princess Petunia, whose lamp-like optics +beamed encouragement to her Indian champion, and the Duchess of +Dickinson, who was now the freehold tenement of those fiendish Siamese +twins--Malice and Jealousy. At breakfast, Mr Bhosh partook freely of all +the dishes, and rallied his antagonist for declining another fowl-egg, +rather wittily suggesting that he was becoming a chicken-hearted. The +company then adjourned to the garden, and all who were non-combatants +took up positions as far outside the zone of fire as possible. + +Mr Bhosh was rejoiced to receive from the above-mentioned Mr Bodgers a +secret intimation that it was the put-up job, and little piece of +allright, which emboldened him to make the rather spirited proposal to +his lordship, that they were to fire--not at the distance of one hundred +paces, as originally suggested--but across the more restricted space of +a nosekerchief. This dare-devilish proposal occasioned a universal +outcry of horror and admiration; Mr Bhosh's seconder, a young +poor-hearted chap, entreated him to renounce his plan of campaign, while +Lord Jack and Mr Bodgers protested that it was downright tomfolly. + +Chunder, however, remained game to his backbone. "If," he ironically +said, "my honble friend prefers to admit that he is inferior in physical +courage to a native Indian who is commonly accredited with a funky +heart, let him apologise. Otherwise, as a challenged, I am the Master of +the Ceremonies. I do not insist upon the exchange of more than one +shoot--but it is the _sine quâ non_ that such shoot is to take place +across a nosewipe." + +Upon which his lordship became green as grass with apprehensiveness, +being unaware that the cartridges had been carefully sterilised, but +glueing his courage to the sticky point, he said, "Be it so, you +blood-thirsty little beggar--and may your gore be on your own knob!" + +"It is always barely possible," retorted Mr Bhosh, "that we may _both_ +miss the target!" And he made a secret motion to Mr Bodgers with his +superior eyeshutter, intimating that he was to remember to omit the +bullets. + +But lackadaisy! as Poet Burns sings, the best-laid schemes both of men +and in the mouse department are liable to gang aft--and so it was in the +present instance, for Duchess Dickinson intercepted Chunder Bindabun's +wink and, with the diabolical intuition of a feminine, divined the +presence of a rather suspicious rat. Accordingly, on the diaphanous +pretext that Mr Bodgers was looking faintish and callow, she insisted on +applying a very large smelling-jar to his nasal organ. + +Whether the vessel was charged with salts of superhuman potency, or some +narcotic drug, I am not to inquire--but the result was that, after a +period of prolonged sternutation, Mr Bodgers became impercipient on a +bed of geraniums. + +Thereupon Chunder, perceiving that he had lost his friend in court, +magnanimously said: "I cannot fight an antagonist who is unprovided with +a seconder, and will wait until Mr Bodgers is recuperated." But the +honourable and diabolical duchess nipped this arrangement in the bud. +"It would be a pity," said she, "that Mr Bhosh's fiery ardour should be +cooled by delay. _I_ am capable to load a firearm, and will act as Lord +Jolly's seconder." + +Our hero took the objection that, as a feminine was not legally +qualified to act as seconder in mortal combats, the duel would be +rendered null and void, and appealed to his own seconder to confirm this +_obiter dictum_. + +Unluckily the latter was a poor beetlehead who was in excessive fear of +offending the Duchess, and gave it as his opinion that sex was no +disqualification, and that the Duchess of Dickinson was fully competent +to load the lethal weapons, provided that she knew how. + +Whereupon she, regarding Mr Bhosh with the malignant simper of a fiend, +did not only deliberately fill each pistol-barrel with a bullet from her +own reticule bag, but also had the additional _diablerie_ to extract a +miniature laced _mouchoir_ exquisitely perfumed with cherry-blossoms, +and to say, "Please fire across this. I am confident that it will bring +you good luck." + +And Mr Bhosh recognised with emotions that baffle description the very +counterpart of the nose-handkerchief which she had flung at him months +previously at the aforesaid fashionable Bayswater Ball! Now was our poor +miserable hero indeed up the tree of embarrassment--and there I must +leave him till the next chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + +LORD JOLLY IS SATISFIED + + Ah, why should two, who once were bosom's friends, + Present at one another pistol ends? + Till one pops off to dwell in Death's Abode-- + All on account of Honour's so-called code! + + _Thoughts on Duelling, by H. B. J._ + + +Many a more hackneyed duellist than our unfortunate friend Bhosh might +well have been frightened from his propriety at the prospect of fighting +with genuine bullets across so undersized a nosekerchief as that which +the Duchess had furnished for the fray. + +But Mr Bhosh preserved his head in perfect coolness: "It is indisputably +true," he said, "that I proposed to shoot across a pocketkerchief--but I +am not an effeminate female that I should employ such a lacelike and +flimsy concern as this! As a challenged, I claim my constitutional +right under Magna Charta to provide my own nosewipe." + +And, as even my Lord Jack admitted that this was legally correct, Mr +Bhosh produced a very large handsome nosekerchief in parti-coloured +silks. + +This he tore into narrow strips, the ends of which he tied together in +such a manner that the whole was elongated to an incredible length. +Then, tossing one extremity to his lordship, and retaining the other in +his own hand, he said: "We will fight, if you please, across this--or +not at all!" + +Which caused a working majority of the company, and even Lord Jack Jolly +himself, to burst into enthusiastic plaudits of the ingenuity and +dexterity with which Mr Bhosh had contrived to extricate himself from +the prongs of his Caudine fork. + +The Duchess, however, was knitting her brows into the baleful pattern of +a scowl--for she knew as well as Chunder Bindabun himself that no human +pistol was capable to achieve such a distance! The duel commenced. +His lordship and Mr Bhosh each removed their upper clothings, bared +their arms, and, taking up a weapon, awaited the momentous command to +fire. + + [Illustration: THE BULLET HAD PERFORATED A LARGE CIRCULAR ORIFICE IN + HONBLE BODGER'S HAT (Illustration IV)] + +It was pronounced, and Lord Jolly's pistol was the first to ring the +ambient welkin with its horrid bang. The deadly missile, whistling as it +went for want of thought, entered the door of a neighbouring pigeon's +house and fluttered the dovecot confoundedly. + +Mr Bhosh reserved his fire for the duration of two or three harrowing +seconds. Then he, too, pulled off his trigger, and after the explosion +there was a loud cry of dismay. + +The bullet had perforated a large circular orifice in Honble Bodger's +hat, who, by this time, had returned to self-consciousness! + +"I could not bring myself to snuff the candle of your honble lordship's +existence," said Mr Bhosh, bowing, "but I wished to convince all present +that I am not incompetent to hit a mark." + +And he proceeded to assure Mr Bodger that he was to receive full +compensation for any moral and intellectual damage done to his said hat. + +As for his lordship, he was so overcome by Mr Bhosh's unprecedented +magnanimity that he shed copious tears, and, warmly embracing his former +friend, entreated his forgiveness, vowing that in future their affection +should never again be endangered by so paltry and trivial a cause as the +ficklety of a feminine. Moreover, he bestowed upon Bindabun the blushing +hand of Princess Jones, and very heartily wished him joy of her. + +Now the Princess was the solitary brat of a very wealthy merchant +prince, Honble Sir Monarch Jones, whose proud and palatial storehouses +were situated in the most fashionable part of Camden Town. + +Sir Jones, in spite of Lord Jack's resignation, did not at first regard +Mr Bhosh with the paternal eye of approval, but rather advanced the +objection that the colour of his money was practically invisible. "My +daughter," he said haughtily, "is to have a lakh of rupees on her +nuptials. Have _you_ a lakh of rupees?" + +Bindabun was tempted to make the rather facetious reply that he had, +indeed, a lack of rupees at the present moment. + +Sir Monarch, however, like too many English gentlemen, was totally +incapable of comprehending the simplest Indian _jeu des mots_, and +merely replied. "Unless you can _show_ me your lakh of rupees, you +cannot become my beloved son-in-law." + +So, as Mr Bhosh was a confirmed impecunious, he departed in severe +despondency. However, fortune favoured him, as always, for he made the +acquaintance of a certain Jewish-Scotch, whose cognomen was Alexander +Wallace McAlpine, and who kindly undertook to lend him a lakh of rupees +for two days at interest which was the mere bite of a flea. + +Having thus acquired the root of all evil, Bindabun took it in a +four-wheeled cab and triumphantly exhibited his hard cash to Sir Jones, +who, being unaware that it was borrowed plumage, readily consented that +he should marry his daughter. After which Mr Bhosh honourably restored +the lakh to the accommodating Scotch minus the interest, which he found +it inconvenient to pay just then. + +I am under great apprehensions that my gentle readers, on reading thus +far and no further, will remark: "Oho! then we are already at the +_finis_, seeing that when a hero and heroine are once booked for +connubial bliss, their further proceedings are of very mediocre +interest!" + +Let me venture upon the respectful caution that every cup possesses a +proverbially slippery lip, and that they are by no means to take it as +granted that Mr Bhosh is so soon married and done for. + +Remember that he still possesses a rather formidable enemy in Duchess +Dickinson, who is irrevocably determined to insert a spike in his wheel +of fortune. For a woman is so constituted that she can never forgive an +individual who has once treated her advances with contempt, no matter +how good-humoured such contempt may have been. No, misters, if you +offend a feminine you must look out for her squalls. + +Readers are humbly requested not to toss this fine story aside under the +impression that they have exhausted the cream in its cocoanut. There are +many many incidents to come of highly startling and sensational +character. + + + + +CHAPTER VII + +THE ADVENTURE OF THE UNWIELDY GIFTHORSE + + When dormant lightning is pent in the polished hoofs of a colt, + And his neck is clothed with thunder,--then, horseman, beware of + the bolt! + + _From the Persian, by H. B. J._ + + +In accordance with English usages, Mr Bhosh, being now officially +engaged to the fair Princess Jones, did dance daily attendance in her +company, and, she being passionately fond of equitation, he was +compelled himself to become the Centaur and act as her _cavalier +servant_ on a nag which was furnished throughout by a West End livery +jobber. Fortunately, he displayed such marvellous dexterity and skill as +an equestrian that he did not once sustain a single reverse! + +Truly, it was a glorious and noble sight to behold Bindabun clinging +with imperturbable calmness to the saddle of his steed, as it ambled and +gamboled in so spirited a manner that all the fashionables made sure +that he was inevitably to slide over its tail quarters! But invariably +he returned, having suffered no further inconvenience than the +bereavement of his tall hat, and the heart of Princess Petunia was +uplifted with pride when she saw that her betrothed, in addition to +being a B.A. and barrister-at-law, was also such a rough rider. + +It is _de rigueur_ in all civilised societies to encourage matrimony by +bestowing rewards upon those who are about to come up to the scratch of +such holy estate, and consequently splendid gifts of carriage, +timepieces, tea-caddies, slices of fish, jewels, blotter-cases, +biscuit-caskets, cigar-lights, and pin-cushions were poured forth upon +Mr Bhosh and his partner, as if from the inexhaustibly bountiful horn of +a Pharmacopoeia. + +Last, but not least, one morning appeared a _saice_ leading an unwieldy +steed of the complexion of a chestnut, and bearing an anonymously-signed +paper, stating that said horse was a connubial gift to Mr Bhosh from a +perfervid admirer. + +Our friend Bindabun was like to throw his bonnet over the mills with +excessive joy, and could not be persuaded to rest until he had made a +trial trip on his gifted horse, while the amiable Princess readily +consented to become his companion. + +So, on a balmy and luscious afternoon in Spring, when the mellifluous +blackbirds, sparrows, and other fowls of that ilk were engaged in +billing and cooing on the foliage of innumerable trees and bushes, and +the blooming flowers were blowing proudly on their polychromatic beds, +Mr Bhosh made the ascension of his gifthorse, and titupped by the side +of his betrothed into the Row, the observed of all the observing +masculine and feminine smarties. + +But, hoity-toity! he had not titupped very many yards when the +unwieldy steed came prematurely to a halt and adopted an unruly +deportment. Mr Bhosh inflicted corporal punishment upon its loins with a +golden-headed whip, at which the rebellious beast erected itself upon +its hinder legs until it was practically a biped. + + [Illustration: THE CANTANKEROUS STEED EXECUTED A LEAP WITH + ASTOUNDING AGILITY (Illustration V)] + +Bindabun, although at the extremity of his wits to preserve his saddle +by his firm hold on the bridle-rein, undauntedly aimed a swishing blow +at the head and front of the offending animal, which instantaneously +returned its forelegs to _terra firma_, but elevated its latter end to +such a degree that our hero very narrowly escaped sliding over its neck +by cleverly clutching the saddleback. + +Next, the cantankerous steed executed a leap with astounding agility, +arching its back like a bow, and propelling our poor friend into the air +like the arrow, though by providential luck and management on his part +he descended safely into his seat after every repetition of this +dangerous manoeuvre. + +All things, however, must come to an end at some time, and the unwieldy +quadruped at last became weary of leaping and, securing the complete +control of his bit, did a bolt from the blue. + +Willy nilly was Mr Bhosh compelled to accompany it upon its mad, +unbridled career, while all witnesses freely hazarded the conjecture +that his abduction would be rather speedily terminated by his being left +behind, and I will presume to maintain that a less practical horseman +would long before have become an ordinary pedestrian. + +But Bindabun, although both stirrupholes were untenanted, and he was +compelled to hold on to his steed's mane by his teeth and nails, +nevertheless remained triumphantly in the ascendant. + +On, on he rushed, making the entire circumference of the Park in his +wild, delirious canter, and when the galloping horse once more +reappeared, and Mr Bhosh was perceived to be still snug on his saddle, +the spectators were unable to refrain from heartfelt joy. + +A second time the incorrigible courser careered round the Park on his +thundering great hoofs, and still our heroic friend preserved his +equilibrium--but, heigh-ho! I have to sorrowfully relate that, on his +third circuit, it was the different pair of shoes--for the headstrong +animal, abstaining from motion in a rather too abrupt manner, propelled +Mr Bhosh over its head with excessive velocity into the elegant interior +of a victoria-carriage. + +He alighted upon a great dame who had maliciously been enjoying the +spectacle of his predicament, but who now was forced to experience the +crushing repartee of his _tu quoque_, for such a forcible collision with +his person caused her not only two blackened optics but irremediable +damage to the leather of her nose. + +The pristine beauty of her features was irrecoverably dismantled, while +Mr Bhosh--thanks to his landing on such soft and yielding +material--remained intact and able to return to his domicile in a +four-wheeled cab. + +Beloved reader, however sceptical thou mayest be, thou wilt infallibly +admire with me the inscrutable workings of Nemesis, when thou learnest +that the aforesaid great lady was no other than the Duchess of +Dickinson, and (what is still more wonderful) that it was she who had +insidiously presented him with such a fearful gift of the Danaides as an +obstreperous and unwieldy steed! + +Truly, as poet Shakespeare sagaciously observes, there is a divinity +that rough-hews our ends, however we may endeavour to preserve their +shapeliness! + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + +A RIGHTABOUT FACER FOR MR BHOSH + + Halloo! at a sudden your love warfare is changed! + Your dress is changed! Your address is changed! + Your express is changed! Your mistress is changed! + Halloo! at a sudden your funny fair is changed! + + _A song sung by Messengeress Binda before Krishnagee_ + _Dr. Ram Kinoo Dutt (of Chittagong)._ + + +Those who are _au faits_ in the tortoise involutions of the feminine +disposition will hear without astonishment that Duchess Dickinson--so +far from being chastened and softened by the circumstance that the curse +she had launched at Mr Bhosh's head had returned, like an illominous +raven, to roost upon her own nose and irreparably destroy its +contour--was only the more bitterly incensed against him. + +Instead of interring the hatchet that had flown back, as if it were that +fabulous volatile the boomerang, she was in a greater stew than ever, +and resolved to leave no stone unturned to trip him up. But what trick +to play, seeing that all the honours were in Mr Bhosh's hands? + +She could not officiate as Marplot to discredit him in the affections of +his lady-love, since the Princess was too severely enamoured to give the +loan of her ear to any sibillations from a snake in grass. + +How else, then, to hinder his match? At this she was seized with an idea +worthy of Maccaroni himself. She paid a complimentary visit to the +Princess, arrayed in the sheepish garb of a friend, and contrived to +lure the conversation on to the vexed question of prying into futurity. + +Surely, she artfully suggested, the Princess at such a momentous epoch +of her existence had, of course, not neglected the sensible precaution +of consulting some competent soothsayer respecting the most propitious +day for her nuptials with the accomplished Mr Bhosh?... + +What, had she omitted to pop so important a question? How incredibly +harebrained! Fortunately, there was yet time to do the needful, and she +herself would gladly volunteer to accompany the Princess on such an +errand. + +Princess Petunia fell a ready victim into the jaws of this diabolical +booby-trap and inquired the address and name of the cleverest +necromancer, for it is matter of notoriety that London ladies are quite +as superstitious and addicted to working the oracle as their native +Indian sisters. + +The Duchess replied that the Astrologer-Royal was a _facile princeps_ at +uttering a prediction, and accordingly on the very next day she and the +Princess, after disguising themselves, set forth on the summit of a +tramway 'bus to the Observatory Temple of Greenwich, where, after first +propitiating the prophet by offerings, they were ushered into a +darkened inner chamber. Although they were strictly _pseudo_, he at once +informed them of their genuine cognomens, and also told them much +concerning their past of which they had hitherto been ignorant. + +And to the Princess he said, stroking the long and silvery hairs of his +beard, "My daughter, I foresee many calamities which will inevitably +befall thee shouldest thou marry before the day on which the bridegroom +wins a certain contest called the Derby with a horse of his own." + +The gentle Petunia departed melancholy as a gib cat, since Mr Bhosh was +not the happy possessor of so much as a single racing-horse of any +description, and it was therefore not feasible that he should become +entitled to wear the _cordon bleu_ of the turf in his buttonhole on his +wedding day! + +With many sighs and tears she imparted her piece of news to the +horror-stricken ears of our hero, who earnestly assured her that it was +contrary to commonsense and _bonos mores_, to attach any importance +to the mere _ipse dixit_ of so antiquated a charlatan as the +Astrologer-Royal, who was utterly incapable--except at very long +intervals--to bring about even such a simple affair as an eclipse which +was visible from his own Observatory! + + [Illustration: 'MY DAUGHTER, I FORESEE MANY CALAMITIES WHICH WILL + INEVITABLY BEFALL THEE' (Illustration VI)] + +However, the Princess, being a feminine, was naturally more prone to +puerile credulities, and very solemnly declared that nothing would +induce her to kneel by Mr Bhosh's side at the torch of Hymen until he +should first have distinguished himself as a Derby winner. + +Whereat Mr Bhosh, perceiving that the date of his nuptial ceremony was +become a _dies non_ in a Grecian calendar, did wring his hands in a bath +of tears. + +Alas! he was totally unaware that it was his implacable enemy, the +Duchess Dickinson, who had thus upset his apple-cart of felicity--but so +it was, for by a clandestine bribe, she had corrupted the +Astrologer-Royal--a poor, weak, very avaricious old chap--to trump out +such a disastrous prediction. + +Some heroes in this hard plight would have thrown up the leek, but Mr +Bhosh was stuffed with sterner materials. He swore a very long oath by +all the gods that he had ceased to believe in, that sooner or later, by +crook or hook, he would win the Derby race, though entirely destitute of +horseflesh and very ill able to afford to purchase the most mediocre +quadruped. + +Here some sporting readers will probably object! Why could he not enlist +his unwieldy gifthorse among Derby candidates and so hoist the Duchess +on the pinnacle of her own petard? + +To which I reply: Too clever by halves, Misters! _Imprimis_, the steed +in question was of far too ferocious a temperament (though undeniably +swift-footed) ever to become a favourite with Derby judges; secondly, +after dismounting Mr Bhosh, it had again taken to its heels and departed +into the Unknown, nor had Mr Bhosh troubled himself to ascertain its +private address. + +But fortune favours the brave. It happened that Mr Bhosh was one day +promenading down the Bayswater Road when he was passed by a white horse +drawing a milk chariot with unparalleled velocity, outstripping +omnibuses, waggons, and even butcher-carts in its wind-like progress, +which was unguided by any restraining hand, for the milk-charioteer +himself was pursuing on foot. + +His natural puissance in equine affairs enabled Mr Bhosh to infer that +the steed which could cut such a record when handicapped with a cumbrous +dairy chariot would exhibit even greater speed if in _puris +naturalibus_, and that it might even not improbably carry off first +prize in the Derby race. + +So, as the milk-charioteer ran up, overblown with anxiety, to learn the +result of his horse's escapade, Mr Bhosh stopped him to inquire what he +would take for such an animal. + +The dairy-vendor, rather foolishly taking it for granted that horse and +cart were gone concerns, thought he was making the good stroke of +business in offering the lot for a twenty-pound note. + +"I have done with you!" cried Mr Bhosh sharply, handing over the +purchase-money, which he very fortunately chanced to have about him, and +galloping off to inspect his bargain, which was like buying a pig after +once poking it in the ribs. + +In what condition he found it I must leave you to learn, my dear +readers, in an ensuing chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER IX + +THE DARK HORSE + + Full many a mare with coat of milkiest sheen, + Is dyed in dark unfathomed coal mines drab; + Full many a flyer's born to blush unseen, + And waste her swiftness on a hansom cab. + + _Lines to order by a young English friend, who swears they + are original. But I regard them as an unconscious + plagiarism from Poet Young's "Eulogy of a Country + Cemetery." H. B. J._ + + It is a gain, a precious, let me gain! let me gain! + Oh, Potentate! Oh, Potentate! + The shower of thine secret shoe-dust + Oh, Potentate! Oh, Potentate! + + _Dr. Ram Kinoo Dutt_ (_of Chittagong_). + + +We left Mr Bhosh in full pursuit of the runaway horse and milk-chariot +which he had so spiritedly purchased while still _en route_. After +running a mile or two, he was unspeakably rejoiced to find that the +equipage had automatically come to a standstill and was still in prime +condition--with the exception of the lacteal fluid, which had made its +escape from the pails. + +Bindabun, however, was not disposed to weep for long over spilt milk, +and had the excessive magnanimity to restore the chariot and pails to +the dairy merchant, who was beside himself with gratitude. + +Then, Mr Bhosh, with a joyful heart, having detached his purchase from +the shafts, conducted it in triumph to his domicile. It turned out to be +a mare, white as snow and of marvellous amiability; and, partly because +of her origin, and partly from her complexion, he christened her by the +appellation of _Milky Way_. + +Although perforce a complete ignoramus in the art of educating a horse +to win any equine contest, Mr Bhosh's nude commonsense told him that the +first step was to fatten his rather too filamentous pupil with corn and +similar seeds, and after a prolonged course of beanfeasts he had the +gratification to behold his mare filling out as plump as a dumpling. + +As he desired her to remain the dark horse as long as possible, he +concealed her in a small toolshed at the end of the garden, ministering +to her wants with his own hands, and conducting her for daily nocturnal +constitutionals several times round the central grass-patch. + +For some time he refrained from mounting--"fain would he climb but that +he feared to fall," as Poet Bunyan once scratched with a diamond on +Queen Anne's window; but at length, reflecting that if nothing ventures +nothing is certain to win, he purchased a padded saddle with appendages, +and surmounted _Milky Way_, who, far from regarding him as an +interloper, appeared gratified by his arrival, and did her utmost to +make him feel thoroughly at home. + +The next step was, of course, to obtain permission from the pundits who +rule the roast of the Jockey Club, that _Milky Way_ might be allowed to +compete in the approaching Derby. + +Now this was a more delicately ticklish matter than might be supposed, +owing to the circumstance that the said pundits are such warm men, and +so well endowed with this world's riches that they are practically +non-corruptible. + +Fortunately, Mr Bhosh, as a dabster in English composition, was a +pastmaster in drawing a petition, and, sitting down, he constructed the +following:-- + + TO THOSE MOST WORSHIPFUL BIGHEADS IN CONTROL OF JOCKEYS CLUB. + + BENIGN PERSONAGES! + + This Petition humbly sheweth: + + (1.) That your Petitioner is a native Indian Cambridge B.A., a + Barrister-at-law, and a most loyal and devoted subject of Her + Majesty the QUEEN-EMPRESS. + + (2.) That it is of excessive importance to him, for private + reasons, that he should win a Derby Race. + + (3.) That such a famous victory would be eminently popular with all + classes of Indian natives, and inordinately increase their affection + for British rule. + + (4.) That for some time past your Petitioner has been diligently + training a quadruped which he fondly hopes may gain a victory. + + (5.) That said quadruped is a member of the fair sex. + + (6.) That she is a female horse of very docile disposition, but, + being only recently extracted from shafts of dairy chariot, is a + total neophyte in Derby racing. + + (7.) That your lordships may direct that she is to be kindly + permitted to try her luck in this world-famous competition. + + (8.) That it would greatly encourage her to exhibit topmost speed if + she could be allowed to start running a few minutes previously to + older stagers. + + (9.) That if this is unfortunately contrary to regulations, then the + Judge should receive secret instructions to look with a favourable + eye upon the said female horse (whose name is _Milky Way_) and award + her first prize, even if by any chance she may not prove quite so + fast a runner as more professional hacks: + + And your Petitioner will ever pray on bended knees that so truly + magnificent an institution as the Epsom Derby Course may never be + suppressed on grounds of encouraging national vice of gambling and + so forth. Signed, &c. + +The wording of the above proved Mr Bhosh's profound acquaintance with +the human heart, for it instantaneously attained the desired end. + +The Honble Stewards returned a very kind answer, readily consenting to +receive _Milky Way_ as a candidate for Derby honours, but regretting +that it was _ultra vires_ to concede her a few minutes' start, and +intimating that she must start with a scratch in company with all the +other horses. + +Bindabun was not in the least degree cast down or depressed by this +refusal of a start, since he had not entertained any sanguine hope that +it would be granted, and had only inserted it to make insurance doubly +sure, for he was every day more confident that _Milky Way_ was to win, +even though obliged to step off with the rank and file. + + + + +CHAPTER X + +TRUST HER NOT! SHE IS FOOLING THEE! + + As the Sunset flames most fiery when snuffed out by sudden night; + As the Swan reserves its twitter till about to hop the twig; + As the Cobra's head swells biggest just before he does his bite; + So a feminine smiles her sweetest ere she gives her nastiest dig. + + _Satirical Stanza (unpublished) by H. B. J._ + + +Now that our hero had obtained that the name of _Milky Way_ was to be +inscribed on the Golden Book of Derby candidates, his next proceeding +was to hire a practical jockey to assume supreme command of her. + +And this was no simple matter, since practical jockeys are usually hired +many weeks beforehand, and demand handsome wages for taking their seats. +But at last, after protracted advertisements, Mr Bhosh had the good +fortune to pitch upon a perfect treasure, whose name was Cadwallader +Perkin, and who, for his riding in some race or other, had been awarded +a whole year's holiday by the stewards who had observed the paramountcy +of his horsemanship. + +No sooner had Perkin inspected _Milky Way_ than he was quite in love +with his stable companion, and assured his employer that, with more +regular out-of-door exercise, she would be easily competent to win the +Derby on her head, whereupon Mr Bhosh consented that she should be +galloped after dark round the inner circle of Regent's Park, which is +chiefly populated at such a time by male and female bicyclists. + +But in order to pay Perkins charges, and also provide a silken jockey +tunic and cap of his own racing colours (which were cream and sky-blue), +Mr Bhosh was compelled to borrow more money from Mr McAlpine, who, as +a Jewish Scotch, exacted the rather exorbitant interest of sixty per +centum. + +It leaked out in some manner that _Milky Way_ was a coming Derby +favourite, and the property of a Native young Indian sportsman, whose +entire fortunes depended on her success, and soon immense multitudes +congregated in Regent's Park to witness her trials of speed, and cheered +enthusiastically to behold the fiery sparks scintillating from the +stones as she circumvented the inner circle in seven-leagued boots. + +Mr Bhosh of course asseverated that she was a very mediocre sort of +mare, and that he did not at all expect that she would prove a winner, +but connoisseurs nevertheless betted long odds upon her success, and +Bindabun himself, though not a speculative, did put on the pot himself +upon the golden egg which he was so anxiously hatching. + +One evening amongst those who were gathered to view the nocturnal +exercises of _Milky Way_ there appeared a feminine spectator of rather +sinister aspect, in a thick veil and a victoria-carriage. + +It was no other than Duchess Dickinson, who had somehow learnt how +courageously Mr Bhosh was endeavouring to fulfil the Astrologer-Royal's +prediction, and who had come to ascertain whether his mare was indeed +such a paragon of celerity as had been represented. + +The very first time that _Milky Way_ cantered past with the gait of a +streak of lightning, the Duchess realised with a sinking heart that Mr +Bhosh must indubitably succeed at the Derby--_unless he was prevented_. + +But how to achieve this? Her womanly instinct told her that Cadwallader +Perkin was far too inexperienced to resist for long such mature and +ripened charms as hers--even though the latter were unfortunately +discounted by the accidental nose-flattening. + +So, lowering her veil till only her eyes were visible above, she waited +till he passed once more, then flung him such a liquid and flashing +glance from her starry and now no longer discoloured optics that the +young jockey, who was of an excessively susceptible disposition, all +but fell off the saddle with emotion, like a very juvenile bird under +serpentine observation. + +"He is mine!" said the unscrupulous Duchess internally, laughing up her +sleeve at such a proof of her fascinations, "mine! mine!" + +She had too much intelligence and mother-wit, however, to take any steps +until Mr Bhosh should be safely out of the way--and how to accomplish +his removal? + +As an acquaintance with the above-mentioned usurer, McAlpine, she was +aware that he had advanced large loans to Mr Bhosh, and so she laid her +plans and bided her time. + +There soon remained only one day before that carnival of all sporting +saturnalians, the Epsom Derby day, and Bindabun formed the prudent +resolution to avoid any delays or crushings by putting _Milky Way_ into +a railway box, and despatching her to Epsom on the previous afternoon, +under the chaperonage of Cadwallader Perkin, who was to engage suitable +lodgings for her in the vicinity of the course. + +But just as Bindabun was approaching the booking hole of Victoria +terminus to take a horse-ticket, lo and behold! he was rapped on the +shoulder by a couple of policemen, who civilly inquired whether his name +was not Bhosh. + +He replied that it was, and that he was the lucky proprietor of a female +horse who was infallibly destined to win the Derby, and that he was even +now proceeding to purchase her travelling ticket. But the policemen +insisted that he must first discharge the full amount of his debt and +costs to Mr McAlpine, who had commenced a law-suit. + +"It is highly inconvenient to pay now," replied our hero, "I will settle +up after receiving my Derby Stakes." + +"We are infernally sorry," said the constables, "but we have +instructions to imprison you until the amount is stumped up, and +anything you say now will be taken down and used against you at your +trial." + +Mr Bhosh remained _sotto voce_; and as he was being led off with gyves +upon his wrists, like Aram the usher, whom should he behold but the +Duchess of Dickinson! + +Like all truly first-class heroes, he was of a generous, confiding +nature, and his head was not for a moment entered by the suspicion that +the Duchess could still cherish any ill feelings towards him. "I am +sincerely sorry," he said with good-humoured gallantry, "to observe that +your ladyship's nose-leather is still in such bad repair. I was riding a +rather muscular steed that afternoon, and could not thoroughly control +my movements." + +She suavely responded that she was proud to have been the means of +breaking his fall. + +"Not only my fall--but your own nose!" retorted Mr. Bhosh +sympathetically. "A sad pity! Fortunately, at your time of life such +disfigurements are of no consequence. I, myself, am now in the pretty +pickle." + +And he explained how he had been arrested for debt, at the very moment +when he had an appointment to meet his mare and jockey and see them +safely off by the Epsom train. + +"Do not trouble about that," said the Duchess. "Hand me your purse, and +I myself will meet them and do the needful on your behalf. I have +interest with this Mr McAlpine and will intercede that you are let +out immediately." + +Mr Bhosh kissed her hand as he handed over his said purse. "This is, +indeed, a noble return for my coldheartedness," he said, "and I am even +more sorry than before that I should have involuntarily dilapidated so +exquisite a nose." + +"Pray do not mention it," replied the Duchess, with the baleful simper +of a Sphynx, and Mr Bhosh departed for his durance vile with a mind +totally free from misgivings. + + + + +CHAPTER XI + +STONE WALLS DO NOT MAKE A CAGE + + Oh, give me back my Arab steed, I cannot ride alone! + Or tell me where my Beautiful, my four-legged bird has flown. + 'Twas here she arched her glossy back, beside the fountain's brink, + And after that I know no more--but I came off, I think. + + _More so-called original lines by aforesaid young English + friend. But I have the shrewd suspicion of having + read them before somewhere.--H. B. J._ + + +And now, O gentle and sympathetic reader, behold our unfortunate hero +confined in the darkest bowels of the Old Bailey Dungeon, for the mere +crime of being an impecunious! + +Yes, misters, in spite of all your boasted love of liberty and fresh +air, imprisonment for debt is still part of the law of the land! How +long will you deafen your ears to the pitiable cry of the bankrupt as he +pleads for the order of his discharge? Perhaps it has been reserved for +a native Indian novelist to jog the elbow of so-called British +jurisprudence, and call its attention to such a shocking scandal. + +Mr Bhosh found his prison most devilishly dull. Some prisoners have been +known to beguile their captivity by making pets or playmates out of most +unpromising materials. For instance, and _exempli gratia_, Mr Monty +Christo met an abbey in his dungeon, who gave him a tip-top education; +Mr Picciola watered a flower; the Prisoner of Chillon made chums of his +chains; while Honble Bruce, as is well-known, succeeded in taming a +spider to climb up a thread and fall down seven times in succession. + +But Mr Bhosh had no spider to amuse him, and the only flowers growing in +his dungeon were toadstools, which do not require to be watered, nor did +there happen to be any abbey confined in the Old Bailey at the time. + +Nevertheless, he was preserved from despair by his indomitable native +chirpiness. For was not _Milky Way_ a dead set for the Derby, and when +she came out at the top of the pole, would he not be the gainer of +sufficient untold gold to pay all his debts, besides winning the hand of +Princess Petunia? + +He was waited upon by the head gaoler's daughter, a damsel of +considerable pulchritude by the name of Caroline, who at first regarded +him askance as a malefactor. + +But, on learning from her parent that his sole offence was insuperable +pennilessness, her tender heart was softened with pity to behold such a +young gentlemanly Indian captive clanking in bilboes, and soon they +became thick as thieves. + +Like all the inhabitants of Great Britain, her thoughts were entirely +engrossed with the approaching Derby Race, and she very innocently +narrated how it was matter of common knowledge that a notorious +grandame, to wit the fashionable Duchess of Dickinson, had backed +heavily that _Milky Way_ was to fail like the flash of a pan. + +Whereupon Mr Bhosh, recollecting that he had actually entrusted his +invaluable mare with her concomitant jockey to the mercy of this +self-same Duchess, was harrowed with sudden misgivings. + +By shrewd cross-questions he soon eliminated that Mr McAlpine was a +pal of the Duchess, which she had herself admitted at the Victoria +terminus, and thus by dint of penetrating instinct, Mr Bhosh easily +unravelled the tangled labyrinth of a hideous conspiracy, which caused +him to beat his head vehemently against the walls of his cell at the +thought of his utter impotentiality. + +Like all feminines who were privileged to make his acquaintance, Miss +Caroline was transfixed with passionate adoration for Bindabun, whom she +regarded as a gallant and illused innocent, and resolved to assist him +to cut his lucky. + +To this end she furnished him with a file and a silken ladder of her own +knitting--but unfortunately Mr Bhosh, having never before undergone +incarceration, was a total neophyte in effecting his escape by such +dangerous and antiquated procedures, which he firmly declined to employ, +urging her to sneak the paternal keybunch and let him out at daybreak by +some back entrance. + +And, not to crack the wind of this poor story while rendering it as +short as possible, she yielded to his entreaties and contrived to +restore him to the priceless boon of liberty the next morning at about 5 +A.M. + +Oh, the unparalleled raptures of finding himself once more free as a +bird! + +It was the dawn of the Derby Day, and Mr Bhosh precipitated himself to +his dwelling, intending to array himself in all his best and go down to +Epsom, where he was in hopes of encountering his horse. Heyday! What was +his chagrin to see his jockey, Cadwallader Perkin, approach with +streaming eyes, fling himself at his master's feet and implore him to be +merciful! + +"How comes it, Cadwallader," sternly inquired Mr Bhosh, "that you are +not on the heath of Epsom instead of wallowing like this on my shoes?" + +"I do not know," was the whimpered response. + +"Then pray where is my Derby favourite, _Milky Way_?" demanded Bindabun. + +"I cannot tell," wailed out the lachrymose juvenile. Then, after +prolonged pressure, he confessed that the Duchess had met him at the +station portals, and, on the plea that there was abundance of spare time +to book the mare, easily persuaded him to accompany her to the buffet of +Refreshment-room. + +There she plied him with a stimulant which jockeys are proverbially +unable to resist, viz., brandy-cherries, in such profusion that he +promptly became catalyptic in a corner. + +When he returned to sobriety neither the Duchess nor the mare was +perceptible to his naked eye, and he had been searching in vain for them +ever since. + +It was the time not for words, but deeds, and Mr Bhosh did not indulge +in futile irascibility, but sat down and composed a reply wire to the +Clerk of Course, Epsom, couched in these simple words: "Have you seen my +Derby mare?--BHOSH." + +After the suspense of an hour the reply came in the discouraging form of +an abrupt negative, upon which Mr Bhosh thus addressed the abashed +Perkin: "Even should I recapture my mare in time, you have proved +yourself unworthy of riding her. Strip off your racing coat and cap, and +I will engage some more reliable equestrian." + +The lad handed over the toggery, which Bindabun stuffed, being of very +fine silken tissue, into his coat pocket, after which he hurried off to +Victoria in great agitation to make inquiries. + +There the officials treated his modest requests in very off-handed +style, and he was becoming all of a twitter with anxiety and +humiliation, when, _mirabile dictu!_ all of a sudden his ears were +regaled by the well-known sound of a whinny, and he recognised the +beloved voice of _Milky Way_! + +But whence did it proceed? He ran to and fro in uncontrollable +excitement, endeavouring to locate the sound. There was no trace of a +horse in any of the waiting-rooms, but at length he discovered that his +mare had been locked up in the Left-Luggage department, and, summoning a +porter, Mr Bhosh had at last the indescribable felicity to embrace his +kidnapped Derby favourite _Milky Way_! + + + + +CHAPTER XII + +A RACE AGAINST TIME + + There's a certain old Sprinter; you've got to be keen, + If you'd beat him--although he is bald, + And he carries a clock and a mowing-machine. + On the cinderpath "Tempus" he's called. + + _Stanza written to order by young English friend, + but (I fear) copied from Poet Tennyson._ + + +Ah! with what perfervid affection did Mr Bhosh caress the neck of his +precious horse! How carefully he searched her to make sure that she had +sustained no internal poisonings or other dilapidations! + +Thank goodness! He was unable to detect any flaw within or without--the +probability being that the crafty Duchess did not dare to commit such a +breach of decorum as to poison a Derby favourite, and thought to +accomplish her fell design by leaving the mare as lost luggage and +destroying the ticket-receipt. + +But old Time had already lifted the glass to his lips, and the contents +were rapidly running down, so Mr Bhosh, approaching a railway director, +politely requested him to hook a horse-box on to the next Epsom train. + +What was his surprise to hear that this could not be done until all +Derby trains had first absented themselves! With passionate volubility +he pleaded that, if such a law of Medes and Persians was to be insisted +on, _Milky Way_ would infallibly arrive at Epsom several hours too late +to compete in the Derby race, in which she was already morally +victorious--until at length the official relented, and agreed to do the +job for valuable consideration in hard cash. + +Lackadaisy! after excavating all his pockets, our unhappy hero could +only fork out wherewithal enough for third-class single ticket for +himself, and he accordingly petitioned that his mare might travel as +baggage in the guard's van. + +I am not to say whether the officials at this leading terminus were all +in the pay of the Duchess, since I am naturally reluctant to advance so +serious a charge against such industrious and talented parties, but it +is _nem. con._ that Mr Bhosh's very reasonable request was nilled in +highly offensive cut-and-dried fashion, and he was curtly recommended to +walk himself and his horse off the platform. + +_Que faire?_ How was it humanly possible for any horse to win the Derby +race without putting in an appearance? And how was _Milky Way_ to put in +her appearance if she was not allowed access to any Epsom train? A less +wilful and persevering individual than Mr Bhosh would have certainly +succumbed under so much red-tapery, but it only served to arouse +Bindabun's monkey. + +"How far is the distance to Epsom?" he inquired. + +"Fourteen miles," he was answered. + +"And what o'clock the Derby race?" + +"About one P.M." + +"And it is now just the middle of the day!" exclaimed Bindabun. "Very +well, since it seems _Milky Way_ is not to ride in the railway, she +shall cover the distance on shank's mare, for I will ride her to Epsom +in _propriâ personâ_!" + + [Illustration: THE ROAD WAS CHOCKED FULL WITH EVERY DESCRIPTION OF + CONVEYANCE (Illustration VII)] + +So courageous a determination elicited loud cheers from the bystanders, +who cordially advised him to put his best legs foremost as he mounted +his mettlesome crack, and set off with broken-necked speed for Epsom. + +I must request my indulgent readers to excuse this humble pen from +depicting the horrors of that wild and desperate ride. Suffice it to say +that the road was chocked full with every description of conveyance, and +that Mr Bhosh was haunted by two terrible apprehensions, viz., that he +might meet with some shocking upset, and that he should arrive the day +after the fair. + +As he urged on his headlong career, he was constantly inquiring of the +occupants of the various vehicles if he was still in time for the Derby, +and they invariably hallooed to him that if he desired to witness the +spectacle he was to buck himself up. + +Mr Bhosh bucked himself up to such good purpose that, long before the +clock struck one, his eyes were gladdened by beholding the summit of +Epsom grand stand on the distant hill-tops. + +Leaning himself forward, he whispered in the shell-like ear of _Milky +Way_: "Only one more effort, and we shall have preserved both our +bacons!" + +But, alas! he had the mortification to perceive that the legs of _Milky +Way_ were already becoming tremulous from incipient grogginess. + + * * * * * + +And now, beloved reader, let me respectfully beg you to imagine yourself +on the Epsom Derby Course immediately prior to the grand event. What a +marvellous human farrago! All classes hobnobbing together +higgledy-piggledy; archbishops with acrobats; benchers with bumpkins; +counts with candlestickmakers; dukes with druggists; and so on through +the entire alphabet. Some spectators in carriages; others on _terra +firma_; flags flying; bands blowing; innumerable refreshment tents +rearing their heads proudly into the blue Empyrean; policemen gazing +with smiling countenances on the happy multitudes when not engaged in +running them in. + +Now they are conducting the formality of weighing the horses, to see if +they are qualified as competitors for the Derby Gold Cup, and each +horse, as it steps out of the balancing scales and is declared eligible, +commences to prance jubilantly upon the emerald green turf. + +(_N.B._-The writer of above realistic description has never been +actually present at any Derby Race, but has done it all entirely from +assiduous cramming of sporting fictions. This is surely deserving of +recognition from a generous public!) + +Now follows a period of dismay--for _Milky Way_, the favourite of high +and low, is suddenly discovered to be still the dark horse! The only +person who exhibits gratification is the Duchess Dickinson, who makes +her entrance into the most fashionable betting ring and, accosting a +leading welsher, cries in exulting accents: "I will bet a million to a +monkey against _Milky Way_!" + +Even the welsher himself is appalled by the enormity of such a stake and +earnestly counsels the Duchess to substitute a more economical wager, +but she scornfully rejects his well-meant advice, and with a trembling +hand he inscribes the bet in his welching book. + +No sooner has he done so than the saddling bell breaks forth into a +joyous chime, and the crowd is convulsed by indescribable emotions. +"Huzza! huzza!" they shout. "Welcome to the missing favourite, and three +cheers for _Milky Way_!" + +The Duchess had turned as pale as a witch, for, galloping along the +course, she beholds Mr Bhosh, bereft of his tall hat and covered with +perspiration and dust, on the very steed which she fondly hoped had been +mislaid among the left luggage! + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + +A SENSATIONAL DERBY STRUGGLE + + Is it for sordid pelf that horses race? + Or can it be the glory that they go for? + Neither; they know the steed that shows best pace + Will get his flogging all the sooner over! + + _Reflection at a Racecourse.--H. B. J._ + + +The Duchess, seeing that her plot was foiled by the unexpected arrival +of Mr Bhosh, made the frantic endeavour to hedge herself behind another +bet of a million sterling to a monkey that _Milky Way_ was to come off +conqueror--but in vain, since none of the welshers would concede such +very long odds. + +So, wrapping her features in a veil of feminine duplicity, she advanced +swimmingly to meet Mr Bhosh. "How lucky that you have arrived on the +neck of time!" she said. "And you have ridden all the way from town? +Tell me now, would not you and your dear horse like some refreshment +after so tedious a journey?" + +"Madam," said Mr Bhosh, bowing to his saddle-bow, while his optics +remained fixed upon the Duchess with a withering glare. "We are not +taking any--from _your_ hands." + +This crushing sarcasm totally abashed the Duchess, who perceived that he +had penetrated her schemes and crept away in discomfiture. + +After this incident _Milky Way_ was subjected to the ordeal of trying +her weight, which she passed with honours. For--very fortunately as it +turned out--the twenty-four hours' starvation which she had endured as +left luggage had reduced her to the prescribed number of _maunds_, which +she would otherwise have infallibly exceeded, since Mr Bhosh, being as +yet a tyro in training Derby cracks, had allowed her to acquire a +superfluous obesity. + +Thus once more the machinations of the Duchess had only benefited the +very individual they were intended to injure! + +But it remained necessary to hire a practical jockey, since Cadwallader +Perkin was still lamenting in dust and ashes at home, so Mr Bhosh ran +about from pillow to post endeavouring to borrow a rider for _Milky +Way_. + +Owing, probably, to the Duchess's artifices, he encountered nothing but +refusals and pleas of previous engagement--until, at the end of the +tether of his patience, he said: "Since my mare cannot compete in a +riderless condition, I myself will assume command and steer her to +victory!" + +Upon which gallant speech the entire air became darkened by clouds of +upthrown hats and shouts of "Bravo, Bindabun!" + +But upon this the pertinacious Duchess lodged the objection that he was +not in correct toggery, and that, even if he still retained his tall +hat, it would be contrary to etiquette to ride the Derby in a frock +coat. + +"Where are his racing colours?" she demanded. + +"_Here!_" cried Mr Bhosh, pulling forth the cream and sky-blue silken +jacket and cap from his pockets, and, discarding his frock coat, he +assumed the garbage of a jockey in the twinkle of a jiffy. + +"I protest," then cried the undaunted Duchess, "against such cruelty to +animals as racing an overblown mare so soon after she has galloped from +London!" + +"Your stricture is just, O humane and distinguished lady," responded the +judge, who had conceived a violent attachment to _Milky Way_ and her +owner, "and I will willingly postpone the race for an hour or two until +the horse has recovered her breeze." + +"Quite unnecessary!" said Bindabun. "My mare is not such a weakling as +you imagine, and will be as fit as a flea after she has imbibed one or +two champagne bottles." + +And his prediction was literally fulfilled, for the champagne soon +rendered _Milky Way_ playful as a kitten. Mr Bhosh ascended into his +saddle; the other horses were drawn up in single rank; the starter +brandished his flag--and the curtain rose on such a race as has, +perhaps, never been equalled in the annals of the Derby. + +The rival cracks were named as follows:----_Topsy Turvey_, _Poojah_, +_Brandy Pawnee_, _Tiffin Bell_, _Tripod_, _Cui Bono_, _British +Jurisprudence_ and _Roseate Smell_. The betting was even on the field. + +_Poojah_ was a large tall horse with a nude tail, but excessively +nimble; _Tripod_, on the contrary, was a small cob of sluggish habits +and needing to be constantly pricked; _Tiffin Bell_ was a piebald of +goodly proportions; and _Roseate Smell_ was of same sex as _Milky Way_, +though more vixenish in character. + +Not long after the start Mr Bhosh was chagrined to discover that he was +all behindhand, and he almost despaired of overtaking any of his +fore-runners. Moreover, he was already oppressed by painful soreness, +due to so constantly coming in contact with the saddle during his ride +from London--but "in for a penny, in for a pound of flesh," and he +plodded on, and soon had the good luck to recapture some of his lost +ground. + +It was the old fabulous anecdote of the Hare and the Tortoise. First of +all, _Topsy Turvey_ was tripped up by a rabbit's hole; then _Roseate +Smell_ leaped the barrier and joined the spectators, while _Tripod_ +sprained his offside ankle. Gradually Mr Bhosh passed _Brandy Pawnee_, +_Cui Bono_, and _British Jurisprudence_, until, on arriving at Tottenham +Court Corner, only _Tiffin Bell_ and _Poojah_ remained in the running. + +_Tiffin Bell_ became so discouraged by the near approach of _Milky Way_ +that he dwindled his pace to a paltry trot, so Mr Bhosh was easily +enabled to defeat him, after which by Cyclopean efforts he urged his +mare until she and _Poojah_ were cheek by jowl. + +For some time it was the dingdong race between a hammer and tongs! + +Still, as the quadrupeds ploughed their way on, _Poojah_ churlishly +refused to give _place aux dames_, and _Milky Way_ began to drop to the +rear. Seeing that she was utterly incompetent to accelerate her speed +and therefore in imminent danger of being defeated, Chunder Bindabun had +the happy inspiration to make an appeal to the best feelings of the +rival jockey, whose name was Juggins. + +"Juggins!" he wheezed in an agonised whisper, "I am a poor native +Indian, totally unpractised in Derby riding. Show me some magnanimous +action, and allow _Milky Way_ to take first prize, Juggins!" + +But Mr Juggins responded that he earnestly desired that _Poojah_ should +obtain said prize, and applied a rather severe whipsmack to his willing +horse. + +"My mare is the favourite, Juggins!" pleaded Mr Bhosh. "By defeating her +you will land yourself in the bad odour of the _oi polloi_. Have you +considered that, Juggins?" + +Juggins's only reply was to administer more whip-smacks, but Chunder +Bindabun persevered. "Consider my hard case, Juggins! If I am beaten, I +lose both a _placens uxor_ and the pot of money. If, on the other hand, +I come in first at the head of the winning pole I promise to share my +entire fortune with you!" + +Upon this, the kind-hearted and venial equestrian relented, warmly +protesting that he would rather be a _proxime accessit_ and second +fiddle than deprive another human being of all his earthly felicity, and +accordingly he reined in his impetuous courser with such consummate +skill that _Milky Way_ forged ahead by the length of a nose. + +Thus they galloped past the Grand Stand, and, as Mr Bhosh gazed upwards +and descried the elegant form of the Princess Petunia standing upon the +topmost roof, he was so exalted with jubilation that he elevated +himself in his stirrups; and waving his cap in a chivalrous salute, +cried out: "Hip-hip-hip! I am ramping in!" + +"Then," I hear the reader exclaim, "it is all over, and _Milky Way_ is +victorious." + +Please, my honble friend, do not be so premature! I have not _said_ that +the race was over. There are still some yards to the judge's bench, and +it is always on the racing cards that _Poojah_ may prove the winner +after all. + +Such inquisitive curiosity shall be duly satisfied in the next chapter, +which is also the last. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + +A GRAND FINISH + + Happy Aurora is a happy Aurora! + Hip, Hip, Hip, Hip, Hurrah! Hurrah! + + _Dr Ram Kinoo Dutt (of Chittagong)._ + + +On the summit of the Grand Stand might have been observed groups of +spectators eagerly awaiting the finish. Conspicuous amongst them were +Princess Petunia (most sumptuously attired) and her parent, +Merchant-prince Jones; and close by Duke and Duchess Dickinson, +following the classic contest through binocular glasses. + +"_Poojah_ will prove to be the winner!... No, it is _Milky Way_!... They +are neck or nothing! It will be a deceased heat!" exclaimed the excited +populaces. + +And the beauteous Petunia was as if seated upon the spike of suspense, +since Mr Bhosh's success was a _sine quâ non_ to their union. Suddenly +came the glad shout: "The Favourite takes the cake with a canter!" and +Duchess Dickinson became pallid with anguish, for, rich as she was, she +could ill afford to become the loser of a cool million. + +The shout was strictly veracious, for Mr Bhosh was ruling the roast by +half-a-head, and _Poojah_ was correspondingly behind. "_Macte virtute!_" +cried Princess Petunia, in the silvery tones of a highly-bred bell, +while she violently agitated her sun-umbrella: "O my beloved Bindabun, +do not fall behind at eleven o'clock!" + +And, as though in answer to this appeal (which he did not overhear), she +beheld her triumphant suitor saluting the empress of his soul with +uplifted jockey-cap. + +Alack! it was the fatal piece of politeness; since, to avoid falling +off, he was compelled to moderate the speed of his racer while +performing it, and Juggins, either repenting his good-nature, or unable +any longer to restrain the impetuosity of _Poojah_, was carried first +past the winning-pole, Mr Bhosh following on _Milky Way_ as the bad +second! + +At this the Princess Petunia emitted a doleful scream; like Freedom, +which, as some poet informs us, "squeaked when Kockiusko (a Japanese +gentleman) fell," and suspended her animation for several minutes, while +the Duchess "grinned a horrible ghastly smile," as described by Poet +Milton in _Paradise Lost_, at Mr Bhosh's shocking defeat and her own +gain of a million, though all true sportsmen present deeply sympathised +with our hero that he should be thus wrecked in sight of port on account +of an ordinary act of courtesy to a female! + +But Mr Bhosh preserved his withers as unwrung as though he possessed the +hide of a rhinoceros. "Honble Sir," said he, addressing the Judge, "I +humbly beg permission to claim this Derby race and lodge an objection +against my antagonist." + +"On what grounds?" was the naturally astonished rejoinder. + +"On the grounds," deliberately replied Chunder Bindabun, "that he +surreptitiously did pull his horse's head." + +Juggins was too dumbfoundered to reply to the accusation, and several +spectators came forward to testify that they had personally witnessed +him curbing his steed, and--it being contrary to the _lex non scripta_ +of turf etiquette to pull at a horse's head when he is winning--Juggins +was very ignominiously plucked by the Jockey's Club. + +The Duchess made the desperate attempt to argue that, if Juggins was a +pot, Mr Bhosh was a kettle of equally dark complexion, since he also had +reined up before attaining the goal--but Chunder Bindabun was able +easily to show that he had done so, not with any intention to forfeit +his stakes, but merely to salute his betrothed, whereas Juggins had +pulled to prevent his horse from achieving the conquest. + +So, to Mr Bhosh's inexpressible delight, the Derby Cup, full as an egg +with golden sovereigns, was awarded to him, and the notorious blue +ribbon was pinned by the judge upon his proud and heaving bosom. + +But, as he was reverting, highly elated, to the side of his beloved +amidst the acclamations of the multitude, the disreputable Juggins had +the audacity to pluck his elbow and demand the promised _quid pro quo_. + +"For what service?" inquired Chunder Bindabun in amazement. + +"Why, did you not promise me the moiety of your fortune, honble Sir," +was the reply, "if I allowed you to be the winner?" + +Mr Bhosh was of an exceptionally mild, just disposition, but such a +piece of cheeky chicanery as this aroused his fiercest indignation and +rendered him cross as two sticks. "O contemptible trickster!" he said, +in terrific tones, "my promise (as thou knowest well) was on condition +that I was first past the winning-pole. Whereas--owing to thy perfidy--I +was only the bad second. Do not attempt to hunt with the hare and +run with hounds. Depart to lower regions!" + + [Illustration: THE NOTORIOUS BLUE RIBBON WAS PINNED BY THE JUDGE + UPON HIS PROUD AND HEAVING BOSOM (Illustration VIII)] + +And Juggins slinked into obscurity with fallen chops. + +Benevolent and forbearing readers, this unassuming tale is near its +_finis_. Owing to his brilliant success at the Derby, Mr Bhosh was now +rolling on cash, and, as the prediction of the Astrologer-Royal was +fulfilled, there was no longer any objection to his union with the +Princess Jones, with whom he accordingly contracted holy matrimony, and +now lives in great splendour at Shepherd's Bush, since all his friends +earnestly besought him that he was not to return to India. He therefore +naturalised himself as a full-blooded British, and further adopted a +coat-of-arms from the Family Herald, with a splendidly lofty crest, and +the motto "_Sans Peur et Sans Reproche_." ("Not being funky myself, I do +not reproach others with said failing"--_free translation_.) + +But what of the wicked Duchess? I have to record that, being unable to +pay the welsher her bet of a million pounds, she was solemnly +pronounced a bankruptess and incarcerated (by a striking instance of the +tit-for-tat of Fate) in the identical Old Bailey cell to which she had +consigned Chunder Bindabun! + +And in her case the gaoler's fair daughter, Miss Caroline, did not +exhibit the same softheartedness. Mr Bhosh and his Princess-bride, being +both of highly magnanimous idiosyncrasies, for some time visited their +relentless foe in her captivity, carrying her fruit and flowers and +sweets of inexpensive qualities, but were received in such a cold, +standoffish style that they soon discontinued such thankless civilities. + +As for _Milky Way_, she is still hale and flourishing, though she has +never since displayed the phenomenal speed of her first (and probably +her last) Derby race. She may often be seen in the vicinity of +Shepherd's Bush, harnessed to a small basketchaise, in which are Mr and +Mrs Bhosh and some of their blooming progenies. + +Here, with the Public's kind permission, we will leave them, and +although this trivial and unpretentious romance can claim no merit +except its undeviating fidelity to nature, I still venture to think +that, for sheer excitement and brilliancy of composition, &c, it will be +found, by all candid judges, to compare rather favourably with more +showy and meretricious fictions by overrated English novelists. + + END + OF + A BAYARD FROM BENGAL. + + + _N.B.--I cannot conscientiously recommend the Indulgent Reader to + proceed any further--for reasons which, should he do so, will be + obvious. H. B. J._ + + + + +THE PARABLES OF PILJOSH + +FREELY RENDERED INTO ENGLISH FROM THE ORIGINAL STYPTIC WITH INTRODUCTION +AND NOTES BY H. B. JABBERJEE, B.A. + + +INTRODUCTION + +I shall begin by begging that it may not be supposed either that _I_ am +the Author or even the Translator of the appended fables! + +The plain truth of the matter is that I am far indeed from standing agog +with amazement at their literary or other excellences, and inclined +rather to award them the faint damnation of a very mediocre eulogy. + +But it so happens that the actual translator is the same young English +friend who kindly furnished me with a few selected poetic extracts for +my Society novel, and has earnestly entreated me (as the _quid pro +quo_!) to compose an introduction and notes for his own effusion, +alleging that it is a _sine quâ non_ nowadays for all first class +Classics to be issued with introduction, notes and appendix by some +literary knob--otherwise they speedily become obsolete and still-born. + +Therefore I readily consented to oblige him, although I am no _au fait_ +in the Styptic dialect, and cannot therefore be held answerable for the +accuracy of my friend's translation, which he admits himself is of a +rather free description. + +Of the Philosopher who composed these Proverbs or Fables little is +known, even in his own country, except that (as all Scholiasts are +aware) he was born on the 1st of April 1450 (old style), and for some +years filled the important and responsible post of Archi-mandrake of +Paraprosdokian. He probably met with a violent end. + +I shall not undertake to provide a note to _every_ parable, but only in +cases where I think that the Parabolist is not quite as luminous as the +nose on one's face, and needs the services of an experienced +interpreter. H. B. J. + + +The Butterfly visited so many flowers that she fell sick of a surfeit of +nectar. She called it "Nervous Breakdown." + + * * * * * + +"Instead of vainly lamenting over those we have lost," said the young +Cuckoo severely, to the Father and Mother Sparrow, "it seems to me that +you should be rejoicing that _I_ am still spared to you!" + + _Note._--A mere plagiaristic adaptation of the trite adage + concerning the comparative values of birds in the hand and in the + bush.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"I am old enough to be thy Grandfather!" the Egg informed the Chicken. + +"In that case," replied the Chicken, "it is high time thou bestirredst +thyself!" + +"Not so!" said the Egg, "since the longer I remain quiescent, the fitter +I shall be for the career that is destined for me." + +"Indeed," inquired the Chicken, "and what may _that_ be?" + +"_Politics!_" answered the Egg with importance. + +And the Chicken pondered long over that saying. + + _Note._--I must confess to following the Chicken's precedent, + without arriving at any solution. For, logically, an Egg must be the + junior of any Chicken. And again, even for parabolical purposes, it + is far-fetched to represent an Egg as a potential Member of + Parliament. On the whole, I am not entirely satisfied that my young + friend is so proficient in acquaintance with Cryptic as he has + represented to me.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +There is only one thing that irritateth a woman more than the man who +doth not understand her, and that is the man who doth. + + * * * * * + +A certain Artificer constructed a mechanical Serpent which was so +marvellously natural that it bit him in the back. "Had I but another +hour to live," he lamented in his last agonies, "I would have patented +the invention!" + +The Woman was so determined to be independent of Man that she +voluntarily became the slave of a Machine. + + _Note._--I do not understand the meaning of the Fabulist here.--H. + B. J. + + * * * * * + +"She used to be so fresh; but she is gone off terribly since I first +knew her!" said the Slug of the Strawberry. + + _Note._--See my remark on the last parable.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"Now, I call that downright Plagiarism!" observed the Ass, when he heard +the Lion roar. + +"A cheery laugh goes a long way in this world!" remarked the Hyena. + +"But a bright smile goes further still!" said the Alligator, as he took +him in. + + _Note._--If the honble Philosopher is censuring here merely the + assumption of hilarity and not ordinary quiet facetiousness, I am + entirely with him. But I rather regard him as a total deficient in + Humour and fanatically opposed to it in any form.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"I trust I have now made myself perfectly clear?" observed the +Cuttlefish, after discharging his ink. + + * * * * * + +The Cockney was assured that, if he placed the Sea-shell to his ear, he +would hear the murmur of Ocean. + +But all he caught distinctly was the melody of negro minstrels. + + * * * * * + +"It is some satisfaction to feel that we have both been sacrificed in a +thoroughly deserving cause!" said the Brace-button, complacently, to the +Threepenny Bit, as they met in the Offertory Bag. + + _Note._--This must be some local allusion, for I + do not know what sort of receptacle an Offertory + Bag may be, or why such articles should be inserted + therein.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +Mistrust the Bridegroom who appeareth at his wedding with +sticking-plaster on his chin [or "_without_ sticking-plaster," &c.--the +Styptic is capable of either interpretation.--_Trans._]. + + _Note._--Then I will humbly say that it must be a peculiarly elastic + tongue. But in _either_ form the Proverb is meaningless.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"What!--My Original dead?" cried the Statue. "Then I have lost all +chance of ever becoming celebrated!" + + _Note._--This is an obvious mistranslation, since a Statue is only + erected when the Original is already celebrated.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"What is your favourite Perfume?" they asked the Hog, and he answered +them, "Pigwash." + +"How vulgar!" exclaimed the Stoat. "_Mine_ is Patchouli!" + +But the Fox said that, in _his_ opinion, the less scent one used the +better. + + _Note._--This merely records the well-known physiological fact that + some persons are born without the olfactory sense. Emperor + Vespasian was accustomed to declare (erroneously) that "pecunia non + olet."--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"I wonder they allow such a cruel contrivance as that 'Catch 'em alive, +oh!' paper!" said the Spider tearfully, as she sat in her web. + + _Note._--From this we learn that there may be a soft spot in the + most unpromising quarters. Even Alexander the Great, who spent the + blood of his troops like pocket money, is recorded to have wept at a + review on suddenly reflecting that all his soldiers would probably + be deceased in a hundred years. It is barely possible that Piljosh + may have been a spectator of this incident.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +A certain Pheasant was pluming herself upon having become a member of +the Anti-Sporting League. + +"Softly, friend!" said a wily old Cock, "for, should this League of +thine succeed in its object, every man's hand would be against us both +by day and night; whereas, at present, our lives are protected all night +by vigilant keepers, and spared all day by our owner and his guests, +who are incapable of shooting for nuts!" + + _Note._--This is a glaring _non sequitur_ and fallacy. I myself + have never shot for nuts--but it does not necessarily follow that + any pheasant would remain intact after I discharged my + rifle-barrel!--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"It is not what we _look_ that signifieth," said the Scorpion +virtuously, "it is what we _are_!" + + _Note._--True enough--but the moral would have been improved by + attributing the saying to some insect of more innocuous character + than a Scorpion. Perhaps this is so in the original Styptic, for, as + I have said, I cannot repose implicit faith in my young friend's + version.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"I have composed the most pathetic poem in the world!" declared the +Poet. + +"How can'st thou be sure of that," he was asked. + +"Because," he replied, "I recited it to the Crocodile, and she could not +refrain from shedding tears!" + + * * * * * + +"It is gratifying to find oneself appreciated at last," said the +Cabbage, when the Cigar Merchant labelled him as a Cabaña. + + * * * * * + +"Don't talk to _me_ about Cactus," said the Ostrich contemptuously to +the Camel. "Insipid stuff, _I_ call it! No--for real flavour and +delicacy, give me a pair of Sheffield scissors!" + + * * * * * + +"The accommodation might be more luxurious, it's true," remarked the +philosophic Mouse, when he found himself in the Trap, "but, after all, +it's not as if I was going to stay here _long_!" + + * * * * * + +"People tell me he can shine when he chooses," said the Extinguisher of +the Candle. "All _I_ know is, he's positively dull whenever he's with +_me_!" + + * * * * * + +There was once a Musical Box which played but one tune, to which its +owner was never weary of listening. But, after a time, he desired a +novelty, and could not rest until he had exchanged the barrel for +another. However, he sickened of the second tune sooner than of the +first, and so he exchanged it for a third, which he liked not at all. + +Accordingly he commanded that the Box should return to the first tune of +all--and lo! this had become an abomination unto his ears, nor could he +conceive how he had ever been able to endure it! + +So the Musical Box was laid upon the shelf, and the Owner procured for +himself a cheap mouth-organ which could play any air that was suggested +to it, and thus became an established favourite. + + _Note._--This is apparently designed to illustrate the ficklety of + the Musical Character.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"_Do_ come in!" snapped the severed Shark's Head to the Ship's Cat. "As +you perceive, I am carrying on business as usual during the +alterations." + + * * * * * + +The Bulbul had no sooner finished her song than the Bullfrog began to +make profuse apologies for having left his music at home. + + * * * * * + +To a Butterscotch Machine the Penny and the Tin Disc are alike. + + _Note._--Surely not if an official is looking on!--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"My dears," said the Converted Cannibal reverently to his Wife and +Family, as they sat down to their Baked Missionary, "do not let us omit +to ask a blessing!" + + * * * * * + +There is but one Singer whom it is futile to encore--and that is a Dying +Swan. + + * * * * * + +"I am doing a series of 'Notable Nests' for 'Sylvan Society,'" said the +insinuating Serpent, on finding the Ringdove at home, "and I should so +much like to include _you_." "You are very kind," said the Ringdove, in +a flutter, "but I can assure you that there is no more in my poor +little eggs than in any other bird's!" "That may be," replied the +Serpent, "but I must live _somehow_!" + + * * * * * + +"No outsiders there--only just their own particular set!" said the +Cocksparrow, when he came home after having been to tea with the Birds +of Paradise. + + * * * * * + +The Elephant was dying of starvation, and a kind-hearted person +presented him with an acidulated drop. + + _Note._--It is well-nigh incredible that any Philosopher should be + so ignorant of Natural History as to imagine that any Elephant would + accept an acid drop, even if it was on its last legs for want of + nutrition. + + The conclusion of this anecdote would seem to be either lost, or + unfit for publication.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +There was once a famous Violinist who serenaded his Mistress every +evening, performing the most divine melodies upon his instrument. + +But all the while she was straining her ears to listen to a piano-organ +round the corner which was playing "Good-bye, Dolly Gray!" + + * * * * * + +The Performing Lioness kisses her Trainer on the mouth--but only in +public. + + * * * * * + +The Candle complained bitterly of the unpleasantness of seeing so many +scorched moths in her vicinity. + + * * * * * + +"I have taken such a fancy to thee," said the Hawk genially to the +Field-Mouse, "that I am going to put thee into a really good thing." + +And he opened his beak. + + * * * * * + +There are persons who have no sense of the fitness of things. + +Like the Grasshopper, who insisted on putting the Snail up for the +Skipping Club. + + * * * * * + +The Cat scratched the Dog's nose out of sheer playfulness--but she had +no time to explain. + + * * * * * + +"After all, it _is_ pleasant to be at home again!" said the Eagle's +feathers on the shaft that pierced him. + +But the Eagle's reply is not recorded. + + _Note._--Poet Byron also mentions this incident.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +A certain Painter set himself to depict a lovely landscape. "See!" he +cried, as he exhibited his canvas to a Passing Stranger, "doth not this +my picture resemble the scene with exactitude?" + +"Since thou desirest to know," was the reply, "thou seemest to me to +have portrayed nothing but a manure heap!" + +"And am _I_ to blame," exclaimed the indignant Painter, "if a manure +heap chanced to be immediately in front of me?" + + * * * * * + +Before a Man marrieth a Woman he delighteth to describe unto her all his +doings--even the most unimportant. + +But, after marriage, he considereth that such talk may savour too much +of egotism. + + _Note._-This is very very shallow. I have never experienced any such + compunctiousness with my own wives.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"I shouldn't have minded so much," said the Bee, with some bitterness, +just before breathing his last in the honey-pot, "only it happens to be +my own make!" + + * * * * * + +"Is the White Rabbit beautiful?" someone inquired of the Albino Rat. + +"She might be passable enough," replied the Rat, "but for one most +distressing deformity. She has pink eyes!" + + * * * * * + +When the Ass was asked about his Cousin the Zebra, he said: "Do not +speak about him--for he has disgraced us all. Never before has there +been any eccentricity in _our_ family!" + + * * * * * + +The full-blown Sausage professeth to have forgotten the days of his +puppyhood. + + * * * * * + +"_Will_ you allow me to pass?" said the courteous Garden Roller to the +Snail. + + * * * * * + +Had anyone met the Red Herring in the sea and foretold that he would one +day be pursued by Hounds across a difficult country, the Herring would +have accounted him but a vain babbler. + +Yet so it fell out! + + _Note._--I shrewdly suspect that my young friend has made the rather + natural mistake of substituting the word "Red Herring" for "Flying + Fish." + + It is not absolutely incredible that one of the latter department + should fly inland and be chased by Dogs--but even Piljosh should be + aware that no Herring could pop off in such a way.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +An Officious Busybody, perceiving a Phoenix well alight, promptly +extinguished her by means of a convenient watering-pot. + + * * * * * + +"Had you refrained from this uncalled for interference," said the justly +irate Bird, "I should by this time be rising gloriously from my +ashes--instead of presenting the ridiculous appearance of a partially +roasted Fowl!" + + _Note._--I can offer no explanation of this allegory, except to + remind the reader that the Phoenix is the notorious symbol for a + fire insurance.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"Alas!" sighed the Learned Pig, while expiring from inflammation of the +brain, brought on by a laborious endeavour to ascertain the sum of two +and two, "Why, _why_ was I cursed with Intellect?" + + * * * * * + +"I shall know better another time!" gasped the Fish, as he lay in the +Landing-net. + + * * * * * + +A certain Merchant sold a child a sharp sword. "Thou hast done wrong in +this," remonstrated a Sage, "since the child will assuredly wound either +himself or some other." + +"_I_ shall not be responsible," cried the Merchant, "for, in selling the +sword, I did recommend the child to protect the point with a cork!" + + * * * * * + +A certain grain of Millet fell out of a sack in which it was being +carried into the City, and was soon trampled in the dust. + +"I am lost!" cried the Millet-seed. "Yet I do not repine so much for +myself as for those countless multitudes who, deprived of me, are now +doomed to perish miserably of starvation!" + + * * * * * + +"I have given up dancing," said the Tongs, "for they no longer dance +with the Elegance and Grace that were universal in _my_ young days!" + + * * * * * + +"But for the Mercy of Providence," said the Fox, piously, to the Goose +whom he found in a trap that had been set for himself, "our respective +situations might now be reversed!" + + * * * * * + +"She really sang quite nicely," remarked the Cuckoo, after she had been +to hear the Nightingale one evening, "but it's a pity her range is so +sadly limited!" + + * * * * * + +The Mendicant insisted on making his Will: + +"But what hast _thou_ to leave when thou diest?" cried the Scribe. + +"As much as the richest," he replied; "for when I die, I leave the +entire World!" + + _Note._--This is (if not incorrectly translated) a grotesque and + puerile allegation. The veriest tyro is aware that when a + Millionaire hops the twig of his existence, he leaves more behind + him than a mere Mendicant!--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"Forgive me," said the Toad to the Swallow, "but, although you may not +be aware of it, you are flying on totally false principles!" + +"Am I?" said the Swallow meekly. "I'm so sorry! Do you mind showing me +how _you_ do it?" + +"I don't fly myself," said the Toad, with an air of superiority. "I've +other things to do--but I have thoroughly mastered the theory of the +Art." + +"Then teach _me_ the theory!" said the Swallow. + +"Willingly," said the Toad; "my fee--to _you_--will be two worms a +lesson." + + * * * * * + +"I can't bear to think that no one will weep for me when I am gone!" +said the sentimental Fly, as he flew into the eye of a Moneylender. + + _Note.--Cf._ Poet Byron: "'Tis sweet to know there is an eye will + mark Our coming, and look brighter when we come!"--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +A certain Cockatrice, feeling sociably inclined, entered a Mother's +Meeting, bent upon making himself agreeable--but was greatly mortified +to find himself but coldly received. + +"Women _are_ so particular about trifles!" he reflected bitterly. "I +know I said 'Good Afternoon' with my mouth full--but, as I explained, I +had just been lunching at the Infant School!" + + * * * * * + +"I want to be _useful!_" said the Silkworm, as she sat down and "set" a +sock for a Decayed Centipede. + + * * * * * + +A Traveller demanded hospitality from fourteen Kurds, who were occupying +one small tent. + +"Enter freely," said the Kurds, "but we must warn thee that thou wilt +find the atmosphere exceedingly unpleasant--for, by some inadvertence, +we have greased our boots from a jar of Attar of Roses!" + + _Note._--Once more I do not entirely fathom the Fabulist's + meaning--unless it is that such a valuable cosmetic as Attar of + Roses may become so deteriorated as to offend even the nostril organ + of a Kurd.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +A certain Basilisk having attained great success in petrifying all who +came under his personal observation, there was a Scheme set afoot to +present him with some Token of popular esteem and regard. + +"If we give him _anything_" said the Fox, who was consulted as to the +form of the proposed Testimonial, "I would suggest that it should take +the shape of a pair of Smoked Spectacles." + + _Note._--The Satire here, at least, is obvious enough. Smoked + spectacles are a very inexpensive gift.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"How truly the Poet sang that: 'we may rise on stepping-stones of our +dead selves to higher things!'" remarked the Chicken's Merrythought, +when it found itself apotheosised into a Penwiper. + + _Note._--A young lady, that shall be nameless, once presented me + with a very similar penwipe, which represented a Church of England + ecclesiastic in surplice and mortar-cap.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"I shall not have perished in vain!" gasped an altruistic Cockroach, +immediately before expiring from an overdose of Insect Powder, "for, +after this fatality, the Owners of the House will doubtless be more +careful how they leave such stuff about!" + + _Note._--British Cockroaches, however, resemble Emperor Mithridates + in being totally impervious to beetle poison.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +The Sheep was so exceedingly tough and old, that the Wolf had thoughts +of becoming a Vegetarian. + + _Note._--When we see some person attaining Centenarian longevity, we + are foolishly inclined to fancy that, by adopting their diet, we + also are to become Methusalems!--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +A certain Ant that had lost its All owing to the sudden collapse of the +Bank in which its savings were invested, applied to a Grasshopper for a +small temporary advance. + +"I am sorry, dear boy," chirpily replied the Grasshopper, "that, +although I am playing to big business every evening, I have not put by a +single grain. However, I will get up a _matinée_ for your benefit." + +This he did with such success that, next winter, the Ant was once more +sufficiently prosperous to discharge his obligation by offering the +Grasshopper a letter to the Charity Organisation Society! + + _Note._--The application of this is that a kind action is never + really thrown away.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"I never feel quite myself till I've had a good bath!" said the Bird +whom an elderly Lady had purchased from a Street Boy as a Goldfinch. + +And behold, when the Bird came out of its saucer of water, it was a +Sparrow! + + _Note._--Like many Philosophers, Piljosh would seem to have had no + great liking for ablutions. But water which could transform a + Goldfinch into a Sparrow must previously have been enchanted by some + Magician, so that our Parabolist's shaft misses fire in this + instance (as indeed in many others!). Possibly, however, his + Translator has once more proved a Traitor!--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"Pride not yourself upon your Lustre and Symmetry," said the Jet +Ear-ring austerely to the Pearl, "for, after all, you owe your beauty to +nothing but the morbid secretions of a Diseased Oyster!" + +"I am sorry to spoil your moral," retorted the Pearl with much suavity, +"but, like yourself, I happen to be Artificial." + + _Note._--Inhabitants of glassy mansions should not indulge in + lapidation.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"Come!" said the Peacock's Feather proudly to the Fly-flapper and the +Tin Squeaker, as the final illumination flickered out and they lay in +the gutter together, limp and exhausted with their exertions in tickling +and generally exasperating inoffensive strangers. "They may say what +they please--but at least we have shown them that the Spirit of +Patriotism is not yet extinct!" + + _Note._--This must refer to some Cryptic customs prevalent in the + Parabolist's time. But I do not clearly apprehend what connection + either tickling, fly-flapping, or squeaking can have with + Patriotism!--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +LAST WORDS + +Here conclude the Parables of Piljosh, together with the present volume. +That the former can possibly obtain honble mention when compared with +the apologues of Plato, Æsop, Corderius Nepos, or even Confucius, I +cannot for a moment anticipate, and none can be more sensible than my +humble self how very poor a figure they cut in proximity to the +production of my own pen! + +However, indulgent critics will please not saddle my unoffending head +with the responsibility, the fact being that I was vehemently advised +that, without some meretricious padding of this sort, my Romance would +not be of sufficient robustness to produce a boom. + +But should "A Bayard from Bengal" unfortunately fail to render the +Thames combustible, I should rather attribute the cause to its having +been unwisely diluted with such milk and watery material as the Parables +of Piljosh. + +So, leaving the decision to the impartial and unanimous verdict of +popular approval, I subscribe myself, + + The Reader's very obsequious and palpitating Servant, + + HURRY BUNGSHO JABBERJEE, B.A., etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. + + PRINTED BY TURNBULL AND SPEARS, EDINBURGH + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's A Bayard From Bengal, by Hurry Bungsho Jabberjee + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A BAYARD FROM BENGAL *** + +***** This file should be named 36703-8.txt or 36703-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/6/7/0/36703/ + +Produced by Chris Curnow, Matthew Wheaton and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Bayard From Bengal + Being some account of the Magnificent and Spanking Career + of Chunder Bindabun Bhosh,... + +Author: Hurry Bungsho Jabberjee + +Editor: F. Anstey + +Illustrator: Bernard Partridge + +Release Date: July 11, 2011 [EBook #36703] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A BAYARD FROM BENGAL *** + + + + +Produced by Chris Curnow, Matthew Wheaton and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + + + + + +</pre> + +<div> + +<br /> + +<br /> + +<h1 id="booktitle">A BAYARD FROM BENGAL</h1> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a href="images/i_coverf.jpg" > +<img id="coverpage" border="0" src="images/i_covert.jpg" width="259" height="400" alt="Cover" /> +</a> +</div> + +<p class="spacer"></p> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="Frontispiece" id="Frontispiece" href="images/i_005f.jpg" > +<img border="0" src="images/i_005t.jpg" width="293" height="400" alt="frontispiece" /> +</a> +</div> + +<p class="caption">EXORTED HER, WITH AN ELOQUENCE THAT MOVED ALL PRESENT, +TO ABANDON HER FRIVOLITIES AND LEVITIES</p> + +<div class="trnote"> +<p class="centered">Transcriber's Note:</p> + +<p class="noin">Author's notes on illustrations have been consolidated +at the end of the text.</p> +</div> + +<p class="h2">A BAYARD FROM BENGAL</p> + +<blockquote> +<p><span class="smcap">Being some account of the Magnificent and Spanking +Career of Chunder Bindabun Bhosh, Esq., B.A., Cambridge, +by Hurry Bungsho Jabberjee, B.A., Calcutta +University, author of "Jottings and Tittlings," etc., +etc., to which is appended the Parables and Proverbs +of Piljosh, freely translated from the Original +Styptic by Another Hand, with Introduction, +Notes and Appendix by the above Hurry Bungsho +Jabberjee, B.A.</span></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="spacer"> </p> + +<p class="h4">THE WHOLE EDITED AND REVISED</p> +<p class="h5">BY</p> +<p class="h4">F. ANSTEY</p> +<p class="h5">AUTHOR OF "VICE VERSA," ETC. ETC.</p> + +<br /> + +<p class="h5">WITH EIGHT ILLUSTRATIONS BY BERNARD PARTRIDGE</p> + +<br /> + +<p class="h4">METHUEN & CO.<br /> +36 ESSEX STREET, W.C.<br /> +LONDON<br /> +1902</p> + +<p class="spacer"> </p> + +<p class="h5"><i>Reprinted from</i> "<span class="smcap">Punch</span>"</p> + +<p class="spacer"> </p> + +<p><span class="pagenum">[v]</span></p> + +<p class="h3">CONTENTS</p> + +<div class="centered"> + <table border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" width="60%" summary="Table of Contents"> + <tr> + <td class="tdrfirst" width="10%">CHAP.</td> + + <td class="tdlsc" width="70%"> </td> + + <td class="tdrfirst" width="20%">PAGE</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td class="tdr">I.</td> + <td class="tdlsc">From Calcutta to Cambridge Oversea Route</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#CHAPTER_I">1</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td class="tdr">II.</td> + <td class="tdlsc">How Mr Bhosh Delivered a Damsel from a Demented Cow</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#CHAPTER_II">8</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td class="tdr">III.</td> + <td class="tdlsc">The Involuntary Fascinator</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#CHAPTER_III">16</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td class="tdr">IV.</td> + <td class="tdlsc">A Kick from a Friendly Foot</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#CHAPTER_IV">24</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td class="tdr">V.</td> + <td class="tdlsc">The Duel to the Death</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#CHAPTER_V">33</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td class="tdr">VI.</td> + <td class="tdlsc">Lord Jolly is Satisfied</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#CHAPTER_VI">41</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td class="tdr">VII.</td> + <td class="tdlsc">The Adventure of the Unwieldy Gifthorse</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#CHAPTER_VII">48</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td class="tdr">VIII.</td> + <td class="tdlsc">A Rightabout Facer for Mr Bhosh</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#CHAPTER_VIII">55</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td class="tdr">IX.</td> + <td class="tdlsc">The Dark Horse</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#CHAPTER_IX">63</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td class="tdr">X.</td> + <td class="tdlsc">Trust Her Not! She is Fooling Thee!</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#CHAPTER_X">70</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td class="tdr">XI.<span class="pagenum">[vi]</span></td> + <td class="tdlsc">Stone Walls do not make a Cage</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#CHAPTER_XI">78</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td class="tdr">XII.</td> + <td class="tdlsc">A Race against Time</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#CHAPTER_XII">86</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td class="tdr">XIII.</td> + <td class="tdlsc">A Sensational Derby Struggle</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#CHAPTER_XIII">93</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td class="tdr">XIV.</td> + <td class="tdlsc">A Grand Finish</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#CHAPTER_XIV">102</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td class="tdr"> </td> + <td class="tdc">__________</td> + <td class="tdr"> </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td class="tdr"> </td> + <td class="tdlsc">The Parables of Piljosh</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#THE_PARABLES_OF_PILJOSH">111</a></td> + </tr> + + </table> +</div> + +<p class="spacer"> </p> + +<p><span class="pagenum">[vii]</span></p> + +<p class="h3">LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS</p> + +<div class="centered"> + <table border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" width="80%" summary="List of Illustrations"> + + <tr> + <td class="tdlsc" width="70%"> </td> + + <td class="tdrfirst" width="20%">PAGE</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td class="tdlsc">"Exhorted her, with an Eloquence that moved all present, + to abandon her Frivolities and Levities"</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#Frontispiece"><i>Frontispiece</i></a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td class="tdlsc">"Gave the Animal into Custody as a Disturber of the Peace"</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#Illustration_II">12</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td class="tdlsc">"Dismayed the Beast by his determined and ferocious aspect"</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#Illustration_III">28</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td class="tdlsc">"The Bullet had perforated a large circular orifice in Honble + Bodger's Hat"</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#Illustration_IV">42</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td class="tdlsc">"The Cantankerous Steed executed a Leap with Astounding + Agility"</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#Illustration_V">50</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td class="tdlsc">"'My Daughter, I foresee many Calamities which will inevitably + befall Thee'"</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#Illustration_VI">58</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td class="tdlsc">"The Road was chocked full with every description of + conveyance"</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#Illustration_VII">88</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td class="tdlsc">"The Notorious Blue Ribbon was pinned by the Judge upon his proud + and heaving Bosom"</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#Illustration_VIII">106</a></td> + </tr> + + </table> +</div> + +<p><span class="pagenum">[ix]</span></p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<h2>PRELIMINARY</h2> + +<p>I have the honour humbly to inform my +readers that, after prolonged consumption +of midnight oil, I succeeded in completing this +imposing society novel, which is now, by the +indulgence of my friends and kind fathers, the +honble publishers, laid at their feet.</p> + +<p>My inducement to this enterprise was the +spectacle of very inferior rubbish palmed off by +so-called popular novelists such as Honbles +Kipling, Joshua Barrie, Antony Weyman, +Stanley Hope, and the collaborative but +feminine authoresses of "The Red Thumb in +the Pottage," all of whom profess (very, very +incorrectly) to give accurate reliable descriptions +of Indian, English or Scotch episodes.</p> + +<p>The pity of it, that a magnificent and gullible +British Public should be suckled like a babe on +such spoonmeat and small beer!<span class="pagenum">[x]</span></p> + +<p>Would no one arise, inflamed by the pure +enthusiasm of his <i>cacoethes scribendi</i>, and write +a romance which shall secure the plerophory +of British, American, Anglo-Indian, Colonial, +and Continental readers by dint of its imaginary +power and slavish fidelity to Nature?</p> + +<p>And since Echo answered that no one replied +to this invitation, I (like a fool, as some will +say) rushed in where angels were apprehensive +of being too bulky to be borne.</p> + +<p>Being naturally acquainted with gentlemen +of my own nationality and education, and also, +of course, knowing London and suburban +society <i>ab ovo usque ad mala</i> (or, from the +new-laid egg to the stage when it is beginning +to go bad), I decided to take as my theme the +adventures of a typically splendid representative +of Young India on British soil, and I am in +earnest hopes to avoid the shocking solecisms +and exaggerations indulged in by ordinary +English novelists.</p> + +<p>I have been compelled to take to penmanship +of this sort owing to pressure of <i>res angusta</i><span class="pagenum">[xi]</span> +<i>domi</i>, the immoderate increase of hostages to +fortune, and proportionate falling off of emoluments +from my profession as Barrister-at-Law.</p> + +<p>Therefore, I hope that all concerned will +smile favourably upon my new departure, and +will please kindly understand that, if my +English literary style has suffered any deterioration, +it is solely due to my being out of +practice, and such spots on the sun must be +excused as mere flies in ointment.</p> + +<p>After forming my resolution of writing a +large novel, I confided it to my crony, Mr Ram +Ashootosh Lall, who warmly recommended +me to persevere in such a <i>magnum opus</i>. So +I became divinely inflated periodically every +evening from 8 to 12 <span class="smcap">P.M.</span>, disregarding all +entreaties from feminine relatives to stop and +indulge in a blow-out on ordinary eatables, +like Archimedes when Troy was captured, +who was so engrossed in writing prepositions +on the sand that he was totally unaware that +he was being barbarously slaughtered.<span class="pagenum">[xii]</span></p> + +<p>And at length my colossal effusion was +completed, and I had written myself out; after +which I had the indescribable joy and felicity +to read my composition to my mothers-in-law +and wives and their respective progenies and +offspring, whereupon, although they were not +acquainted with a word of English, they were +overcome by such severe admiration for my +fecundity and native eloquence that they +swooned with rapture.</p> + +<p>I am not a superstitious, but I took the trouble +to consult a soothsayer, as to the probable +fortunes of my undertaking, and he at once +confidently predicted that my novel was to +render all readers dumb as fishes with sheer +amazement and prove a very fine feather in +my cap.</p> + +<p>For all the above reasons, I am modestly +confident that it will be generally recognised +as a masterpiece, especially when it is remembered +that it is the work of a native Indian, +whose 'prentice hand is still a novice in wielding +the <i>currente calamo</i> of fiction.<span class="pagenum">[xiii]</span></p> + +<p>I cannot conclude without some allusion to +the drawings which are, I believe, to adorn +my work, but which I have not yet been +enabled to inspect, owing to the fact that, +having fish of more importance to fry at the +time, I commissioned a certain young English +friend (the same who furnished sundry poetic +headings for chapters) to engage a designer +for the pictorial department.</p> + +<p>Needless to say, I intended that he was to +award the apple only to some Royal Academician +of distinguished talents—yet at the +eleventh hour, when too late to make other +arrangements, I am informed that the job has +been entrusted to a certain Birnadhur Pahtridhji, +whose name (though probably incorrectly +transcribed) certainly denotes a draughtsman +of native Indian origin!</p> + +<p>Whether he is fully competent for such a +task I cannot at present say. But, unless he +is qualified, like myself, by actual residence +in Great Britain, I fear that he may not possess +sufficient familiarity with the customs and<span class="pagenum">[xiv]</span> +solecisms of English society to avoid at least +a few ludicrous and even lamentable mistakes.</p> + +<p>To guard against such contingencies I shall +insert a note or comment opposite each picture +as it is submitted to me, pointing out in what +respects (if any) the artist has failed to represent +the author's intentions.</p> + +<p>I sincerely hope that I may now and then +be able to pat the aforesaid Mr P. on the back +instead of acting as a Rhadamanthus to rap +his knuckles.<span class="pagenum">[1]</span></p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<h2>A BAYARD FROM BENGAL</h2> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_I" id="CHAPTER_I"></a>CHAPTER I</h2> + +<p class="h3">FROM CALCUTTA TO CAMBRIDGE OVERSEA ROUTE</p> + +<div class="inset16"> +<p>At sea the stoutest stomach jerks,<br /> +Far, far away from native soil,<br /> +When Ocean's heaving waterworks<br /> +Burst out in Brobdingnagian boil!</p> +<p class="right"><i>Stanza written at Sea, by H. B. J.<br /> +(unpublished).</i></p> +</div> + +<p class="dropcap">THE waves of Neptune erected their +seething and angry crests to incredible +altitudes; overhead in fuliginous storm-clouds +the thunder rumbled its terrific bellows, and +from time to time the ghastly flare of lightning +illuminated the entire neighbourhood. +The tempest howled like a lost dog through +the cordage of the good ship <i>Rohilkund</i> +(Captain O. Williams), which lurched through +the vasty deep as though overtaken by the +drop too much.<span class="pagenum">[2]</span></p> + +<p>At one moment her poop was pointed towards +celestial regions; at another it aimed +itself at the recesses of Davey Jones's locker; +and such was the fury of the gale that only a +paucity of the ship's passengers remained perpendicular, +and Mr Chunder Bindabun Bhosh +was recumbent on his beam end, prostrated by +severe sickishness, and hourly expecting to +become initiated in the Great Secret.</p> + +<p>Bitterly did he lament his hard lines in +venturing upon the Black Water, to be snipped +off in the flower of his adolescence, and never +again to behold the beloved visages of his +relations!</p> + +<p>So heartrending were his tears and groans +that they moved all on board, and Honble +Mr Commissioner Copsey, who was returning +on leave, kindly came to inquire the cause of +such vociferous lachrymation.</p> + +<p>"What is the matter, Baboo?" began the +Commissioner in paternal tones. "Why are +you kicking up the shindy of such a deuce's +own hullabaloo?"<span class="pagenum">[3]</span></p> + +<p>"Because, honble Sir," responded Mr +Bhosh, "I am in lively expectation that +waters will rush in and extinguish my vital +spark."</p> + +<p>"Pooh!" said Mr Commissioner, genially. +"This is only the moiety of a gale, and there +is not the slightest danger."</p> + +<p>Having received this assurance, Mr Bhosh's +natural courage revived, and, coming up on +deck, he braved the tempest with the cool +composure of a cucumber, admonishing all +his fellow-passengers that they were not to +give way to panic, seeing that Death was +the common lot of all, and, though everyone +must die once, it was an experience that +could not be repeated, with much philosophy of +a similar kind which astonished many who had +falsely supposed him to be a pusillanimous.</p> + +<p>The remainder of the voyage was uneventful, +and, soon after setting his feet on +British territory, Mr Bhosh became an alumnus +and undergraduate of the <i>Alma Mater</i> +of Cambridge.<span class="pagenum">[4]</span></p> + +<p>I shall not attempt to relate at any great +length the history of his collegiate career, +because, being myself a graduate of Calcutta +University, I am not, of course, proficient in +the customs and etiquettes of any rival seminaries, +and should probably make one or +two trivial slips which would instantly be +pounced upon and held up for derision by +carping critics.</p> + +<p>So I shall content myself with mentioning +a few leading facts and incidents. Mr +Bhosh very soon wormed himself into the +good graces of his fellow college boys, and +his principal friend and <i>fidus Achates</i> was a +young high-spirited aristocrat entitled Lord +Jack Jolly, the only son of an earl who +had lately been promoted to the dignity of a +baronetcy.</p> + +<p>Lord Jolly and Mr Bhosh were soon as +inseparable as a Dæmon and Pythoness, and, +though no nabob to wallow in filthy lucre, +Mr Bhosh gave frequent entertainments to +his friends, who were hugely delighted by<span class="pagenum">[5]</span> +the elegance of his hospitality and the garrulity +of his conversation.</p> + +<p>Unfortunately the fame of these Barmecide +feasts soon penetrated the ears of the College +<i>gurus</i>, and Mr Bhosh's <i>Moolovee</i> sent for him +and severely reprimanded him for neglecting +to study for his Littlego degree, and squandering +his immense abilities and talents on mere +guzzling.</p> + +<p>Whereupon Mr Bhosh shed tears of contrition, +embracing the feet of his senile tutor, +and promising that, if only he was restored +to favour he would become more diligent in +future.</p> + +<p>And honourably did he fulfil this <i>nudum +pactum</i>, for he became a most exemplary bookworm, +burning his midnight candle at both +ends in the endeavour to cram his mind with +<i>belles lettres</i>.</p> + +<p>But he was assailed by a temptation which +I cannot forbear to chronicle. One evening +as he was poring over his learned tomes, who +should arrive but a deputation of prominent<span class="pagenum">[6]</span> +Cambridge boatmen and athletics, to entreat him +to accept a stroke oar of the University eight +in the forthcoming race with Oxford College!</p> + +<p>This, as all aquatics will agree, was no small +compliment—particularly to one who was so +totally unversed in wielding the flashing oar. +But the authorities had beheld him propelling +a punt boat with marvellous dexterity by dint +of a paddle, and, taking the length of his foot +on that occasion, they had divined a Hercules +and ardently desired him as a confederate.</p> + +<p>Mr Bhosh was profoundly moved: "College +misters and friends," he said, "I welcome this +invitation with a joyful and thankful heart, as +an honour—not to this poor self, but to Young +India. Nevertheless, I am compelled by <i>Dira +Necessitas</i> to return the polite negative. Gladly +I would help you to inflict crushing defeat +upon our presumptuous foe, but 'I see a hand +you cannot see that beckons me away; I +hear a voice you cannot hear that wheezes +"Not to-day!"' In other words, gentlemen, +I am now actively engaged in the Titanic<span class="pagenum">[7]</span> +struggle to floor Littlego. It is glorious to +obtain a victory over Oxonian rivals, but, +misters, there is an enemy it is still more +glorious to pulverize, and that enemy is—one's +self!"</p> + +<p>The deputation then withdrew with falling +crests, though unable to refrain from admiring +the firmness and fortitude which a mere Native +student had nilled an invitation which to most +European youths would have proved an irresistible +attraction.</p> + +<p>Nor did they cherish any resentment against +Mr Bhosh, even when, in the famous inter-collegiate +race of that year from Hammersmith to +Putney, Cambridge was ingloriously bumped, +and Oxford won in a common canter.<span class="pagenum">[8]</span></p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_II" id="CHAPTER_II"></a>CHAPTER II</h2> + +<p class="h3">HOW MR BHOSH DELIVERED A DAMSEL FROM A DEMENTED COW</p> + +<div class="inset16"> +<p>O Cow! in hours of mental ease<br /> +Thou chewest cuds beneath the trees;<br /> +But ah! when madness racks thy brow,<br /> +An awkward customer art thou!</p> + +<p class="right"><i>Nature Poem furnished (to order) by young English Friend.</i></p> +</div> + +<p class="dropcap">MR Bhosh's diligence at his books +was rewarded by getting through his +Little-go with such <i>éclat</i> that he was admitted +to become a baccalaureate, and further presented +with the greatest distinction the Vice-Chancellor +could bestow upon him, viz., the +title of a Wooden Spoon!</p> + +<p>But here I must not omit to narrate a +somewhat startling catastrophe in which Mr +Bhosh figured as the god out of machinery. +It was on an afternoon before he went up<span class="pagenum">[9]</span> +to pass his Little-go exam, and, since all +work and no play is apt to render any Jack +a dull, he was recreating himself by a solitary +promenade in some fields in the vicinity of +Cambridge, when suddenly his startled ears +were dumbfounded to perceive the blood-curdling +sound of loud female vociferations!</p> + +<p>On looking up from his reverie, he was +horrified by the spectacle of a young and +beauteous maiden being vehemently pursued +by an irate cow, whose reasoning faculties +were too obviously, in the words of Ophelia, +"like sweet bells bangled," or, in other words, +<i>non compos mentis</i>, and having rats in her +upper story!</p> + +<p>The young lady, possessing the start and +also the advantage of superior juvenility, had +the precedence of the cow by several yards, +and attained the umbrageous shelter of a tree +stem, behind which she tremulously awaited +the arrival of her blood-thirsty antagonist.</p> + +<p>As he noted her jewel-like eyes, profuse +hair, and panting bosom, Mr Bhosh's triangle<span class="pagenum">[10]</span> +of flesh<a name="FNanchor_A_1" id="FNanchor_A_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_A_1" class="fnanchor">[A]</a> was instantaneously ignited by love +at first sight (the intelligent reader will +please understand that the foregoing refers +to the maiden and not at all to the cow, +which was of no excessive pulchritude—but +I am not to be responsible for the ambiguities +of the English language).</p> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_A_1" id="Footnote_A_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_A_1"><span class="label">[A]</span></a> <i>Videlicet</i>: his heart.</p></div> + +<p>There was not a moment to be squandered; +Mr Bhosh had just time to recommend her +earnestly to remain <i>in statu quo</i>, before setting +off to run <i>ventre à terre</i> in the direction +whence he had come. The distracted animal, +abandoning the female in distress, immediately +commenced to hue-and-cry after our hero, +who was compelled to cast behind him his +collegiate cap, like tub to a whale.</p> + +<p>The savage cow ruthlessly impaled the cap +on one of its horns, and then resumed the +chase.</p> + +<p>Mr Bhosh scampered for his full value, +but, with all his incredible activity, he had +the misery of feeling his alternate heels +<span class="pagenum">[11]</span>scorched by the fiery snorts of the maniacal +quadruped.</p> + +<p>Then he stripped from his shoulders his +student's robe, relinquishing it to the tender +mercies of his ruthless persecutress while he +nimbly surmounted a gate. The cow only +delayed sufficiently to rend the garment into +innumerable fragments, after which it cleared +the gate with a single hop, and renewed the +chase after Mr Bhosh's stern, till he was +forced to discard his ivory-headed umbrella +to the animal's destroying fury.</p> + +<p>This enabled him to gain the walls of the +town and reach the bazaar, where the whole +population was in consternation at witnessing +such a shuddering race for life, and made +themselves conspicuous by their absence in +back streets.</p> + +<p>Mr Bhosh, however, ran on undauntedly, +until, perceiving that the delirious creature +was irrevocably bent on running him to +earth, he took the flying leap into the +shop of a cheese merchant, where he cleverly<span class="pagenum">[12]</span> +entrenched himself behind the receipt of +custom.</p> + +<p>With the headlong impetuosity of a distraught +the cow followed, and charged the +barrier with such insensate fury that her +horns and appertaining head were inextricably +imbedded in a large tub of margarine +butter.</p> + +<p>At this our hero, judging that the wings +of his formidable foe were at last clipped, +sallied boldly forth, and, summoning a police-officer, +gave the animal into custody as a +disturber of the peace.</p> + +<p>By such coolness and <i>savoir faire</i> in a +distressing emergency he acquired great <i>kudos</i> +in the eyes of all his fellow-students, who +regarded him as the conquering hero.</p> + +<p>Alas and alack! when he repaired to the +field to receive the thanks and praises of the +maiden he had so fortunately delivered, he +had the mortification to discover that she had +vanished, and left not a wreck behind her! +Nor with all his endeavours could he so much +<span class="pagenum">[13]</span>as learn her name, condition, or whereabouts, +but the remembrance of her manifold charms +rendered him moonstruck with the tender +passion, and notwithstanding his success in +flooring the most difficult exams, his bosom's +lord sat tightly on its throne, and was not to +jump until he should again (if ever) confront +his mysterious fascinator.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a name="Illustration_II" href="images/i_031f.jpg"> +<img src="images/i_031t.jpg" width="400" height="288" alt="GAVE THE ANIMAL INTO CUSTODY AS A DISTURBER OF THE PEACE" title="" /> +</a> +<span class="caption">GAVE THE ANIMAL INTO CUSTODY AS A DISTURBER OF THE PEACE</span> +</div> + +<p>Having emerged from the shell of his <i>statu +pupillari</i> under the fostering warmth of his +Alma Mater, Mr Bhosh next proceeded as a +full-fledged B.A. to the Metropolis, and became +a candidate for forensic honours at one of the +legal temples, lodging under the elegant roof +of a matron who regarded him as her beloved +son for Rs. 21 per week, and attending lectures +with such assiduity that he soon acquired a +nodding acquaintance with every branch of +jurisprudence.</p> + +<p>And when he went up for Bar Exam., he +displayed his phenomenal proficiency to such +an extent that the Lord Chancellor begged +him to accept one of the best seats on the<span class="pagenum">[14]</span> +Judges' bench, an honour which, to the best +of this deponent's knowledge and belief, has +seldom before been offered to a raw tyro, and +never, certainly, to a young Indian student. +However, with rare modesty Mr Bhosh +declined the offer, not considering himself +sufficiently ripe as yet to lay down laws, and +also desirous of gathering roses while he +might, and mixing himself in first-class English +societies.</p> + +<p>I am painfully aware that such incidents +as the above will seem very mediocre and +humdrum to most readers, but I shall request +them to remember that no hero can achieve +anything very striking while he is still a +hobbardehoy, and that I cannot—like some +popular novelists—insult their intelligences +by concocting cock-and-bull occurrences which +the smallest exercise of ordinary commonsense +must show to be totally incredible.</p> + +<p>By and bye, when I come to deal with Mr +Bhosh's experiences in the upper tenth of +London society, with which I may claim to<span class="pagenum">[15]</span> +have rather a profound familiarity, I will boldly +undertake that there shall be no lack of +excitement.</p> + +<p>Therefore, have a little patience, indulgent +Misters!<span class="pagenum">[16]</span></p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_III" id="CHAPTER_III"></a>CHAPTER III</h2> + +<p class="h3">THE INVOLUNTARY FASCINATOR</p> + +<div class="inset22"> +<p>Please do not pester me with unwelcome attentions,<br /> +Since to respond I have no intentions!<br /> +Your Charms are deserving of honourable mentions—<br /> +But previous attachment compels these abstentions!</p> + +<p class="right"><span class="smcap">An unwilling Wooed to his Wooer."</span><br /> +<i>Original unpublished Poem by H. B. J.</i></p> +</div> + +<p class="dropcap">MR Bhosh was very soon enabled to +make his <i>debût</i> as a pleader, for the +<i>Mooktears</i> sent him briefs as thick as an +Autumn leaf in Vallambrosa, and, having on +one occasion to prosecute a youth who had +embezzled an elderly matron, Mr Bhosh's +eloquence and pathos melted the jury into a +flood of tears which procured the triumphant +acquittal of the prisoner.</p> + +<p>But the bow of Achilles (which, as Poet +Homer informs us, was his only vulnerable<span class="pagenum">[17]</span> +point) must be untied occasionally, and accordingly +Mr Bhosh occasionally figured as +the gay dog in upper-class societies, and +was not long in winning a reputation in smart +circles as a champion bounder.</p> + +<p>For he did greet those he met with a +pleasant, obsequious affability and familiarity, +which easily endeared him to all hearts. In +his appearance he would—but for a somewhat +mediocre stature and tendency to a precocious +obesity—have strikingly resembled the well-known +statuary of the Apollo Bellevue, and +he was in consequence inordinately admired +by aristocratic feminines, who were enthralled +by the fluency of his small talk, and competed +desperately for the honour of his company at +their "Afternoon-At-Home-Teas."</p> + +<p>It was at one of these exclusive festivities +that he first met the Duchess Dickinson, +and (as we shall see hereafter) that meeting +took place in an evil-ominous hour for our +hero. As it happened, the honourable highborn +hostess proposed a certain cardgame<span class="pagenum">[18]</span> +known as "Penny Napkin," and fate decreed +that Mr Bhosh should sit contiguous to the +Duchess's Grace, who by lucky speculations +was the winner of incalculable riches.</p> + +<p>But, hoity toity! what were his dismay +and horror, when he detected that by her +legerdemain in double-dealing she habitually +contrived to assign herself five pictured cards +of leading importance!</p> + +<p>How to act in such an unprecedented +dilemma? As a chivalrous, it was repugnant to +him to accuse a Duchess of sharping at cards, +and yet at the same time he could not stake +his fortune against such a foregone conclusion!</p> + +<p>So he very tactfully contrived by engaging +the Duchess's attention to substitute his card-hand +for hers, and thus effect the exchange +which is no robbery, and she, finally observing +his <i>finesse</i>, and struck by the delicacy with +which he had so unostentatiously rebuked her +duplicity, earnestly desired his further acquaintance.</p> + +<p>For a time Mr Bhosh, doubtless obeying<span class="pagenum">[19]</span> +one of those supernatural and presentimental +monitions which were undreamt of in the +Horatian philosophy, resisted all her advances—but +alas! the hour arrived in which he +became as Simpson with Delilah.</p> + +<p>It was at the very summit of the Season, +during a brilliantly fashionable ball at the +Ladbroke Hall, Archer Street, Bayswater, +whither all the <i>élites</i> of tiptop London Society +had congregated.</p> + +<p>Mr Bhosh was present, but standing apart, +overcome with bashfulness at the paucity of +upper feminine apparel and designing to take +his premature hook, when the beauteous +Duchess in passing surreptitiously flung over +him a dainty nosehandkerchief deliciously +perfumed with extract of cherry blossoms.</p> + +<p>With native penetration into feminine coquetries +he interpreted this as an intimation +that she desired to dance with him, and, +though not proficient in such exercises, he +made one or two revolutions round the room +with her co-operation, after which they retired<span class="pagenum">[20]</span> +to an alcove and ate raspberry ices and drank +lemonade. Mr Bhosh's sparkling tittle-tattle +completely achieved the Duchess's conquest, +for he possessed that magical gift of the gab +which inspired the tender passion without any +connivance on his own part.</p> + +<p>And, although the Duchess was no longer +the chicken, having attained her thirtieth lustre, +she was splendidly well preserved; with huge +flashing eyes like searchlights in a face resembling +the full moon; of tall stature and +proportionate plumpness; most young men +would have been puffed out by pride at +obtaining such a tiptop admirer.</p> + +<p>Not so our hero, whose manly heart was +totally monopolised by the image of the fair +unknown whom he had rescued at Cambridge +from the savage clutches of a horned cow, and +although, after receiving from the Duchess a +musk-scented postal card, requesting his company +on a certain evening, he decided to keep +the appointed tryst, it was only against his +will and after heaving many sighs.<span class="pagenum">[21]</span></p> + +<p>On reaching the Duchess's palace, which +was situated in Pembridge Square, Bayswater, +he had the mortification to perceive that he +was by no means the only guest, since the +reception halls were thickly populated by +gilded worldlings. But the Duchess advanced +to greet him in a very kind, effusive manner, +and, intimating that it was impossible to converse +with comfort in such a crowd, she led +him to a small side-room, where she seated +him on a couch by her side and invited him to +discourse.</p> + +<p>Mr Bhosh discoursed accordingly, paying +her several high-flown compliments by which +she appeared immoderately pleased, and discoursed +in her turn of instinctive sympathies, +until our hero was wriggling like an eel with +embarrassment at what she was to say next, +and at this point Duke Dickinson suddenly +entered and reminded his spouse in rather +abrupt fashion that she was neglecting her +remaining guests.</p> + +<p>After the Duchess's departure, Mr Bhosh,<span class="pagenum">[22]</span> +with the feelings of an innate gentleman, felt +constrained to make his sincere apologies to +his ducal entertainer for having so engrossed +his better half, frankly explaining that she had +exhibited such a marked preference for his +society that he had been deprived of all +option in the matter, further assuring his +dukeship that he by no means reciprocated +the lady's sentiments, and delicately recommending +that he was to keep a rather more +lynxlike eye in future upon her proceedings.</p> + +<p>To which the Duke, greatly agitated, replied +that he was unspeakably obliged for the caution, +and requested Mr Bhosh to depart at once and +remain an absentee for the future. Which our +friend cheerfully undertook to perform, and, in +taking leave of the Duchess, exhorted her, with +an eloquence that moved all present, to abandon +her frivolities and levities and adopt a deportment +more becoming to her matronly exterior.</p> + +<p>The reader would naturally imagine that she +would have been grateful for so friendly and +well-meant a hint—but oh, dear! it was quite<span class="pagenum">[23]</span> +the reverse, for from a loving friend she was +transformed into a bitter and most unscrupulous +enemy, as we shall find in forthcoming chapters.</p> + +<p>Truly it is not possible to fathom the perversities +of the feminine disposition!<span class="pagenum">[24]</span></p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_IV" id="CHAPTER_IV"></a>CHAPTER IV</h2> + +<p class="h3">A KICK FROM A FRIENDLY FOOT</p> + +<div class="inset26"> +<p>She is a radiant damsel with features fair and fine;<br /> +But since betrothed to Bosom's friend she never can be mine!</p> + +<p class="right"><i>Original Poem by H. B. J. (unpublished).</i></p> +</div> + +<p class="dropcap">MR Bhosh's bosom-friend, the Lord +Jack Jolly, had kindly undertaken to +officiate as his Palinurus and steer him safely +from the Scylla to the Charybdis of the +London Season, and one day Lord Jolly +arrived at our hero's apartments as the bearer +of an invite from his honble parent the Baronet, +to partake of tiffin at their ancestral abode in +Chepstow Villas, which Bindabun gratefully +accepted.</p> + +<p>Arrived at the Jollies' sumptuous interior, a +numerous retinue of pampered menials and +gilded flunkies divested Mr Bhosh of his hat<span class="pagenum">[25]</span> +and umbrella and ushered him into the hall of +audience.</p> + +<p>"Bhosh, my dear old pal," said Lord Jack, +"I have news for you. I am engaged as a +Benedict, and am shortly to celebrate matrimony +with a young goodlooking female—the +Princess Petunia Jones."</p> + +<p>"My lord," replied Mr Bhosh, "suffer me +to hang around your patrician neck the floral +garland of my humble congratulations."</p> + +<p>"My dear Bhosh," responded the youthful +peer of the realm, "I regard you as more than +a brother, and am confident that when my +betrothed beholds your countenance, she will +conceive for you a similar lively affection. But +hush! here she comes to answer for herself.... +Princess, permit me to present to you the +best and finest friend I possess, Mr Bindabun +Bhosh."</p> + +<p>Mr Bhosh modestly lowered his optics as +he salaamed with inimitable grace, and it was +not until he had resumed his perpendicular that +he recognised in the Princess Jones the charming<span class="pagenum">[26]</span> +unknown whom he had last beheld engaged +in repelling the assault of a distracted cow!</p> + +<p>Their eyes were no sooner crossed than he +knew that she regarded him as her deliverer, +and was consumed by the most ardent affection +for him. But Mr Bhosh repressed himself with +heroic magnanimity, for he reflected that she +was the affianced of his dearest friend and that +it was contrary to <i>bon ton</i> to poach another's +jam.</p> + +<p>So he merely said; "How do you do? It +is a very fine day. I am delighted to make +your acquaintance," and turning on his heels +with a profound curtsey, he left her flabbergasted +with mortification.</p> + +<p>But those only who have compressed their +souls in the shoe of self-sacrifice know how +devilishly it pinches, and Mr Bhosh's grief +was so acute that he rolled incessantly on his +couch while the radiant image of his divinity +danced tantalisingly before his bloodshot +vision.</p> + +<p>Eventually he became calmer, and after<span class="pagenum">[27]</span> +plunging his fervid body into a foot-bath, he +showed himself once more in society, assuming +an air of meretricious waggishness to conceal +the worm that was busily cankering his +internals, and so successful was he that Lord +Jack was entirely deceived by his <i>vis comica</i>, +and invited him to spend the Autumn up the +country with his respectable parents.</p> + +<p>Mr Bhosh accepted—but when he knew +that Princess Petunia was also to be one of the +<i>amis de la maison</i>, he was greatly concerned at +the prospect of infallibly reviving her love by +his propinquity, and thereby inflicting the cup +of calamity on his best friend. Willingly +would he have imparted the whole truth to his +Lordship and counselled him to postpone the +Princess's visit until he, himself, should have +departed—but, ah me! with all his virtue he +was not a Roman Palladium that he should +resist the delight of philandery with the +radiant queen of his soul. So he kept his +tongue in his cheek.</p> + +<p>However, when they met in the ancient and<span class="pagenum">[28]</span> +rural castle he constrained himself, in conversing +with her, to enlarge enthusiastically upon the +excellences of Lord Jack. "What a good, +ripping, gentlemanly fellow he was, and how +certain to make a best quality husband!" +Princess Jones listened to these encomiums with +tender sighing, while her soft large orbs rested +on Mr Bhosh with ever-increasing admiration.</p> + +<p>No one noticed how, after these elephantine +efforts at self-denial, he would silently slip +away and weep salt and bitter tears as he +weltered dolefully on a doormat; nor was it +perceived that the Princess herself was become +thin as a weasel with disappointed love.</p> + +<p>Being the ardent sportsman, Mr Bhosh +sought to drown his sorrow with pleasures of +the chase.</p> + +<p>He would sally forth alone, with no other +armament than a breechloading rifle, and +endeavour to slay the wild rabbits which +infested the Baronet's domains, and sometimes +he had the good fortune to slaughter one or +two. Or he would take a Rod and hooks and a +few worms, and angle for salmons; or else he +would stalk partridges, and once he even +assisted in a foxhunt, when he easily outstripped +all the dogs and singly confronted +Master Reynard, who had turned to bay +savagely at his nose. But Bindabun undauntedly +descended from his horse, and, +drawing his hunting dagger, so dismayed the +beast by his determined and ferocious aspect +that it turned its tail and fled into some other +part of the country, which earned him the +heartfelt thanks from his fellow Nimrods.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a name="Illustration_III" href="images/i_053f.jpg"> +<img src="images/i_053t.jpg" width="400" height="291" alt="Dismayed the Beast by his determined and ferocious aspect" title="" /> +</a> +<span class="caption">DISMAYED THE BEAST BY HIS DETERMINED AND FEROCIOUS ASPECT</span> +</div> + +<p>Naturally, such feats of arms as these only +served to inflame the ardour of the Princess, +to whom it was a constant wonderment that +Mr Bhosh did never, even in the most roundabout +style, allude to the fact that he had +saved her life from perishing miserably on the +pointed horn of an enraged cow.</p> + +<p>She could not understand that the Native +temperament is too sheepishly modest to flaunt +its deeds of heroism.</p> + +<p>Those who are <i>au fait</i> in knowledge of the +world are aware that when there are combustibles +concealed in any domestic interior, there +is always a person sooner or later who will +contrive to blow them off; and here, too, the +Serpent of Mischief was waiting to step in with +cloven hoof and play the very deuce.</p> + +<p>It so happened that the Duchess occupied +the adjacent bungalow to that of Baronet Jolly +and his lady, with whom she was hail-fellow-well-met, +and this perfidious female set herself +to ensnare the confidence of the young and +innocent Princess by discreetly lauding the +praises of Mr Bhosh.</p> + +<p>"What an admirable Indian Crichton! +How many rabbits and salmons had he laid +low that week? Truly, she regarded him as +a favourite son, and marvelled that any youthful +feminine could prefer an ordinary peer like +Lord Jolly to a Native paragon who was not +only a university B.A., but had successfully +passed Bar Exam!" and so forth and so on.</p> + +<p>The princess readily fell into this insidious +booby-trap, and confessed the violence of her +attachment, and how she had striven to acquaint +Mr Bhosh with her sentiments but was rendered +inarticulate by maidenly bashfulness.</p> + +<p>"Can you not then slip a love-letter into his +hand?" inquired the Duchess.</p> + +<p>"<i>Cui bono?</i>" responded the Princess, sadly. +"Seeing that he never approaches near enough +to me to receive such a missive, and I dare +not entrust it to one of my maidens!"</p> + +<p>"Why not to Me?" said the Duchess. "He +will not refuse it coming from myself; moreover, +I have influence over him and will soften +his heart towards thee."</p> + +<p>Accordingly the Princess indicted a rather +impassioned love-letter, in which she assured +Mr Bhosh that she had divined his secret +passion and fully reciprocated it, also that she +was the total indifferent to Lord Jack, with +much other similar matters.</p> + +<p>Having obtained possession of this <i>litera +scripta</i>, what does the unscrupulous Duchess +next but deliver it <i>impromptu</i> into the hands +of Lord Jack, who, after perusing it, was +overcome by uncontrollable wrath and instantaneously +summoned our hero to his presence.</p> + +<p>Here was the pretty kettle of fish—but +I must reserve the sequel for the next +chapter.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum">[29]</span></p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_V" id="CHAPTER_V"></a>CHAPTER V</h2> + +<p class="h3">THE DUEL TO THE DEATH</p> + +<div class="inset20"> +<p>The ordinary valour only works<br /> +At those rare intervals when peril lurks;<br /> +There is a courage, scarcer far, and stranger,<br /> +Which nothing can intimidate but danger.</p> + +<p class="right"><i>Original Stanza by H. B. J.</i></p> +</div> + +<p class="dropcap">NO sooner had Mr Bhosh obeyed the +summons of Lord Jack, than the latter +not only violently reproached him for having +embezzled the heart of his chosen bride, but +inflicted upon him sundry severe kicks from +behind, barbarously threatening to encore the +proceeding unless Chunder instantaneously +agreed to meet him in a mortal combat.</p> + +<p>Our hero, though grievously hurt, did not +abandon his presence of mind in his tight +fix. Seating himself upon a divan, so as to +obviate any repetition of such treatment, he<span class="pagenum">[34]</span> +thus addressed his former friend: "My dear +Jack, Plato observes that anger is an abbreviated +form of insanity. Do not let us fall +out about so mere a trifle, since one friend is +the equivalent of many females. Is it my +fault that feminines overwhelm me with unsought +affections? Let us both remember +that we are men of the world, and if you on +your side will overlook the fact that I have unwittingly +fascinated your <i>fiancée</i>, I, on mine, +am ready to forget my unmerciful kickings."</p> + +<p>But Lord Jolly violently rejected such a +give-and-take compromise, and again declared +that if Mr Bhosh declined to fight he was to +receive further kicks. Upon this Chunder +demanded time for reflection; he was no +bellicose, but he reasoned thus with his soul: +"It is not certain that a bullet will hit—whereas, +it is impossible for a kick to miss +its mark."</p> + +<p>So, weeping to find himself between a deep +sea and the devil of a kicking, he accepted +the challenge, feeling like Imperial Cæsar,<span class="pagenum">[35]</span> +when he found himself compelled to climb +up a rubicon after having burnt his boots!</p> + +<p>Being naturally reluctant to kick his brimming +bucket of life while still a lusty juvenile, +Mr Bhosh was occupied in lamenting the injudiciousness +of Providence when he was most +unexpectedly relieved by the entrance of his +lady-love, the Princess Jones, who, having +heard that her letter had fallen into Lord +Jack's hands, and that a sanguinary encounter +would shortly transpire, had cast off every +rag of maidenly propriety, and sought a clandestine +interview.</p> + +<p>She brought Bindabun the gratifying intelligence +that she was a <i>persona grata</i> with +his lordship's seconder, Mr Bodgers, who was +to load the deadly weapons, and who, at her +request, had promised to do so with cartridges +from which the bullets had previously been +bereft.</p> + +<p>Such a piece of good news so enlivened +Mr Bhosh, that he immediately recovered his +usual serenity, and astounded all by his perfect<span class="pagenum">[36]</span> +nonchalance. It was arranged that the tragical +affair should come off in the back garden of +Baronet Jolly's castle, immediately after breakfast, +in the presence of a few select friends +and neighbours, among whom—needless to say—was +Princess Petunia, whose lamp-like optics +beamed encouragement to her Indian champion, +and the Duchess of Dickinson, who was +now the freehold tenement of those fiendish +Siamese twins—Malice and Jealousy. At +breakfast, Mr Bhosh partook freely of all +the dishes, and rallied his antagonist for +declining another fowl-egg, rather wittily suggesting +that he was becoming a chicken-hearted. +The company then adjourned to +the garden, and all who were non-combatants +took up positions as far outside the zone of +fire as possible.</p> + +<p>Mr Bhosh was rejoiced to receive from +the above-mentioned Mr Bodgers a secret +intimation that it was the put-up job, and +little piece of allright, which emboldened +him to make the rather spirited proposal<span class="pagenum">[37]</span> +to his lordship, that they were to fire—not +at the distance of one hundred paces, as +originally suggested—but across the more +restricted space of a nosekerchief. This +dare-devilish proposal occasioned a universal +outcry of horror and admiration; Mr Bhosh's +seconder, a young poor-hearted chap, entreated +him to renounce his plan of campaign, while +Lord Jack and Mr Bodgers protested that +it was downright tomfolly.</p> + +<p>Chunder, however, remained game to his +backbone. "If," he ironically said, "my +honble friend prefers to admit that he is inferior +in physical courage to a native Indian +who is commonly accredited with a funky +heart, let him apologise. Otherwise, as a +challenged, I am the Master of the Ceremonies. +I do not insist upon the exchange +of more than one shoot—but it is the <i>sine +quâ non</i> that such shoot is to take place +across a nosewipe."</p> + +<p>Upon which his lordship became green as +grass with apprehensiveness, being unaware<span class="pagenum">[38]</span> +that the cartridges had been carefully sterilised, +but glueing his courage to the sticky point, +he said, "Be it so, you bloodthirsty little +beggar—and may your gore be on your own +knob!"</p> + +<p>"It is always barely possible," retorted Mr +Bhosh, "that we may <i>both</i> miss the target!" +And he made a secret motion to Mr Bodgers +with his superior eyeshutter, intimating that +he was to remember to omit the bullets.</p> + +<p>But lackadaisy! as Poet Burns sings, the +best-laid schemes both of men and in the +mouse department are liable to gang aft—and +so it was in the present instance, for +Duchess Dickinson intercepted Chunder Bindabun's +wink and, with the diabolical intuition +of a feminine, divined the presence of a rather +suspicious rat. Accordingly, on the diaphanous +pretext that Mr Bodgers was looking +faintish and callow, she insisted on applying +a very large smelling-jar to his nasal organ.</p> + +<p>Whether the vessel was charged with salts +of superhuman potency, or some narcotic drug,<span class="pagenum">[39]</span> +I am not to inquire—but the result was that, +after a period of prolonged sternutation, Mr +Bodgers became impercipient on a bed of +geraniums.</p> + +<p>Thereupon Chunder, perceiving that he had +lost his friend in court, magnanimously said: +"I cannot fight an antagonist who is unprovided +with a seconder, and will wait until +Mr Bodgers is recuperated." But the honourable +and diabolical duchess nipped this arrangement +in the bud. "It would be a pity," +said she, "that Mr Bhosh's fiery ardour should +be cooled by delay. <i>I</i> am capable to load a +firearm, and will act as Lord Jolly's seconder."</p> + +<p>Our hero took the objection that, as a feminine +was not legally qualified to act as seconder +in mortal combats, the duel would be rendered +null and void, and appealed to his own seconder +to confirm this <i>obiter dictum</i>.</p> + +<p>Unluckily the latter was a poor beetlehead +who was in excessive fear of offending the +Duchess, and gave it as his opinion that sex +was no disqualification, and that the Duchess<span class="pagenum">[40]</span> +of Dickinson was fully competent to load the +lethal weapons, provided that she knew how.</p> + +<p>Whereupon she, regarding Mr Bhosh with +the malignant simper of a fiend, did not only +deliberately fill each pistol-barrel with a bullet +from her own reticule bag, but also had the +additional <i>diablerie</i> to extract a miniature laced +<i>mouchoir</i> exquisitely perfumed with cherry-blossoms, +and to say, "Please fire across this. +I am confident that it will bring you good +luck."</p> + +<p>And Mr Bhosh recognised with emotions +that baffle description the very counterpart +of the nose-handkerchief which she had flung +at him months previously at the aforesaid +fashionable Bayswater Ball! Now was our +poor miserable hero indeed up the tree of +embarrassment—and there I must leave him +till the next chapter.<span class="pagenum">[41]</span></p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VI" id="CHAPTER_VI"></a>CHAPTER VI</h2> + +<p class="h3">LORD JOLLY IS SATISFIED</p> + +<div class="inset24"> +<p>Ah, why should two, who once were bosom's friends,<br /> +Present at one another pistol ends?<br /> +Till one pops off to dwell in Death's Abode—<br /> +All on account of Honour's so-called code!</p> + +<p class="right"><i>Thoughts on Duelling, by H. B. J.</i></p> +</div> + +<p class="dropcap">MANY a more hackneyed duellist than +our unfortunate friend Bhosh might +well have been frightened from his propriety +at the prospect of fighting with genuine bullets +across so undersized a nosekerchief as that +which the Duchess had furnished for the fray.</p> + +<p>But Mr Bhosh preserved his head in perfect +coolness: "It is indisputably true," he said, +"that I proposed to shoot across a pocketkerchief—but +I am not an effeminate female +that I should employ such a lacelike and flimsy +concern as this! As a challenged, I claim my<span class="pagenum">[42]</span> +constitutional right under Magna Charta to +provide my own nosewipe."</p> + +<p>And, as even my Lord Jack admitted that +this was legally correct, Mr Bhosh produced +a very large handsome nosekerchief in parti-coloured +silks.</p> + +<p>This he tore into narrow strips, the ends of +which he tied together in such a manner that +the whole was elongated to an incredible length. +Then, tossing one extremity to his lordship, +and retaining the other in his own hand, he +said: "We will fight, if you please, across this—or +not at all!"</p> + +<p>Which caused a working majority of the +company, and even Lord Jack Jolly himself, +to burst into enthusiastic plaudits of the ingenuity +and dexterity with which Mr Bhosh +had contrived to extricate himself from the +prongs of his Caudine fork.</p> + +<p>The Duchess, however, was knitting her +brows into the baleful pattern of a scowl—for +she knew as well as Chunder Bindabun +himself that no human pistol was capable +<span class="pagenum">[43]</span>to achieve such a distance! The duel commenced. +His lordship and Mr Bhosh each +removed their upper clothings, bared their +arms, and, taking up a weapon, awaited the +momentous command to fire.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a name="Illustration_IV" href="images/i_071f.jpg"> +<img src="images/i_071t.jpg" width="400" height="290" alt="THE BULLET HAD PERFORATED A LARGE CIRCULAR ORIFICE IN HONBLE BODGER'S HAT" title="" /> +</a> +<span class="caption">THE BULLET HAD PERFORATED A LARGE CIRCULAR ORIFICE IN HONBLE BODGER'S HAT</span> +</div> + +<p>It was pronounced, and Lord Jolly's pistol +was the first to ring the ambient welkin with +its horrid bang. The deadly missile, whistling +as it went for want of thought, entered the +door of a neighbouring pigeon's house and +fluttered the dovecot confoundedly.</p> + +<p>Mr Bhosh reserved his fire for the duration +of two or three harrowing seconds. Then he, +too, pulled off his trigger, and after the +explosion there was a loud cry of dismay.</p> + +<p>The bullet had perforated a large circular +orifice in Honble Bodger's hat, who, by this +time, had returned to self-consciousness!</p> + +<p>"I could not bring myself to snuff the candle +of your honble lordship's existence," said Mr +Bhosh, bowing, "but I wished to convince all +present that I am not incompetent to hit a +mark."<span class="pagenum">[44]</span></p> + +<p>And he proceeded to assure Mr Bodger that +he was to receive full compensation for any +moral and intellectual damage done to his said +hat.</p> + +<p>As for his lordship, he was so overcome by +Mr Bhosh's unprecedented magnanimity that +he shed copious tears, and, warmly embracing +his former friend, entreated his forgiveness, +vowing that in future their affection should +never again be endangered by so paltry and +trivial a cause as the ficklety of a feminine. +Moreover, he bestowed upon Bindabun the +blushing hand of Princess Jones, and very +heartily wished him joy of her.</p> + +<p>Now the Princess was the solitary brat of a +very wealthy merchant prince, Honble Sir +Monarch Jones, whose proud and palatial +storehouses were situated in the most fashionable +part of Camden Town.</p> + +<p>Sir Jones, in spite of Lord Jack's resignation, +did not at first regard Mr Bhosh with the +paternal eye of approval, but rather advanced +the objection that the colour of his money was<span class="pagenum">[45]</span> +practically invisible. "My daughter," he said +haughtily, "is to have a lakh of rupees on her +nuptials. Have <i>you</i> a lakh of rupees?"</p> + +<p>Bindabun was tempted to make the rather +facetious reply that he had, indeed, a lack of +rupees at the present moment.</p> + +<p>Sir Monarch, however, like too many English +gentlemen, was totally incapable of comprehending +the simplest Indian <i>jeu des mots</i>, and +merely replied. "Unless you can <i>show</i> me +your lakh of rupees, you cannot become my +beloved son-in-law."</p> + +<p>So, as Mr Bhosh was a confirmed impecunious, +he departed in severe despondency. +However, fortune favoured him, as always, for +he made the acquaintance of a certain Jewish-Scotch, +whose cognomen was Alexander +Wallace M<sup>c</sup>Alpine, and who kindly undertook +to lend him a lakh of rupees for two days at +interest which was the mere bite of a flea.</p> + +<p>Having thus acquired the root of all evil, +Bindabun took it in a four-wheeled cab and +triumphantly exhibited his hard cash to Sir<span class="pagenum">[46]</span> +Jones, who, being unaware that it was borrowed +plumage, readily consented that he should +marry his daughter. After which Mr Bhosh +honourably restored the lakh to the accommodating +Scotch minus the interest, which he +found it inconvenient to pay just then.</p> + +<p>I am under great apprehensions that my +gentle readers, on reading thus far and no +further, will remark: "Oho! then we are +already at the <i>finis</i>, seeing that when a hero +and heroine are once booked for connubial +bliss, their further proceedings are of very +mediocre interest!"</p> + +<p>Let me venture upon the respectful caution +that every cup possesses a proverbially slippery +lip, and that they are by no means to take it as +granted that Mr Bhosh is so soon married and +done for.</p> + +<p>Remember that he still possesses a rather +formidable enemy in Duchess Dickinson, who +is irrevocably determined to insert a spike in +his wheel of fortune. For a woman is so +constituted that she can never forgive an<span class="pagenum">[47]</span> +individual who has once treated her advances +with contempt, no matter how good-humoured +such contempt may have been. No, misters, +if you offend a feminine you must look out for +her squalls.</p> + +<p>Readers are humbly requested not to toss +this fine story aside under the impression that +they have exhausted the cream in its cocoanut. +There are many many incidents to come of +highly startling and sensational character.<span class="pagenum">[48]</span></p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VII" id="CHAPTER_VII"></a>CHAPTER VII</h2> + +<p class="h3">THE ADVENTURE OF THE UNWIELDY GIFTHORSE</p> + +<div class="inset26"> +<p>When dormant lightning is pent in the polished hoofs of a colt,<br /> +And his neck is clothed with thunder,—then, horseman, beware of the bolt!</p> + +<p class="right"><i>From the Persian, by H. B. J.</i></p> +</div> + +<p class="dropcap">IN accordance with English usages, Mr +Bhosh, being now officially engaged to +the fair Princess Jones, did dance daily +attendance in her company, and, she being +passionately fond of equitation, he was compelled +himself to become the Centaur and +act as her <i>cavalier servant</i> on a nag which +was furnished throughout by a West End +livery jobber. Fortunately, he displayed such +marvellous dexterity and skill as an equestrian +that he did not once sustain a single reverse!</p> + +<p>Truly, it was a glorious and noble sight to<span class="pagenum">[49]</span> +behold Bindabun clinging with imperturbable +calmness to the saddle of his steed, as it +ambled and gamboled in so spirited a manner +that all the fashionables made sure that he +was inevitably to slide over its tail quarters! +But invariably he returned, having suffered +no further inconvenience than the bereavement +of his tall hat, and the heart of Princess +Petunia was uplifted with pride when she +saw that her betrothed, in addition to being +a B.A. and barrister-at-law, was also such a +rough rider.</p> + +<p>It is <i>de rigueur</i> in all civilised societies to +encourage matrimony by bestowing rewards +upon those who are about to come up to the +scratch of such holy estate, and consequently +splendid gifts of carriage, timepieces, tea-caddies, +slices of fish, jewels, blotter-cases, +biscuit-caskets, cigar-lights, and pin-cushions +were poured forth upon Mr Bhosh and his +partner, as if from the inexhaustibly bountiful +horn of a Pharmacopœia.</p> + +<p>Last, but not least, one morning appeared<span class="pagenum">[50]</span> +a <i>saice</i> leading an unwieldy steed of the complexion +of a chestnut, and bearing an anonymously-signed +paper, stating that said horse +was a connubial gift to Mr Bhosh from a +perfervid admirer.</p> + +<p>Our friend Bindabun was like to throw his +bonnet over the mills with excessive joy, and +could not be persuaded to rest until he had +made a trial trip on his gifted horse, while +the amiable Princess readily consented to +become his companion.</p> + +<p>So, on a balmy and luscious afternoon in +Spring, when the mellifluous blackbirds, +sparrows, and other fowls of that ilk were +engaged in billing and cooing on the foliage +of innumerable trees and bushes, and the +blooming flowers were blowing proudly on +their polychromatic beds, Mr Bhosh made the +ascension of his gift-horse, and titupped by +the side of his betrothed into the Row, the +observed of all the observing masculine and +feminine smarties.</p> + +<p>But, hoity-toity! he had not titupped very +<span class="pagenum">[51]</span>many yards when the unwieldy steed came +prematurely to a halt and adopted an unruly +deportment. Mr Bhosh inflicted corporal +punishment upon its loins with a golden-headed +whip, at which the rebellious beast +erected itself upon its hinder legs until it +was practically a biped.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a name="Illustration_V" href="images/i_083f.jpg"> +<img src="images/i_083t.jpg" width="400" height="285" alt="THE CANTANKEROUS STEED EXECUTED A LEAP WITH ASTOUNDING AGILITY" title="" /> +</a> +<span class="caption">THE CANTANKEROUS STEED EXECUTED A LEAP WITH ASTOUNDING AGILITY</span> +</div> + +<p>Bindabun, although at the extremity of his +wits to preserve his saddle by his firm hold +on the bridle-rein, undauntedly aimed a swishing +blow at the head and front of the offending +animal, which instantaneously returned its +forelegs to <i>terra firma</i>, but elevated its latter +end to such a degree that our hero very +narrowly escaped sliding over its neck by +cleverly clutching the saddleback.</p> + +<p>Next, the cantankerous steed executed a +leap with astounding agility, arching its back +like a bow, and propelling our poor friend +into the air like the arrow, though by providential +luck and management on his part +he descended safely into his seat after every +repetition of this dangerous manœuvre.<span class="pagenum">[52]</span></p> + +<p>All things, however, must come to an end +at some time, and the unwieldy quadruped at +last became weary of leaping and, securing +the complete control of his bit, did a bolt +from the blue.</p> + +<p>Willy nilly was Mr Bhosh compelled to +accompany it upon its mad, unbridled career, +while all witnesses freely hazarded the conjecture +that his abduction would be rather +speedily terminated by his being left behind, +and I will presume to maintain that a less +practical horseman would long before have +become an ordinary pedestrian.</p> + +<p>But Bindabun, although both stirrupholes +were untenanted, and he was compelled to +hold on to his steed's mane by his teeth and +nails, nevertheless remained triumphantly in +the ascendant.</p> + +<p>On, on he rushed, making the entire circumference +of the Park in his wild, delirious +canter, and when the galloping horse once +more reappeared, and Mr Bhosh was perceived +to be still snug on his saddle, the<span class="pagenum">[53]</span> +spectators were unable to refrain from heartfelt +joy.</p> + +<p>A second time the incorrigible courser +careered round the Park on his thundering +great hoofs, and still our heroic friend preserved +his equilibrium—but, heigh-ho! I +have to sorrowfully relate that, on his third +circuit, it was the different pair of shoes—for +the headstrong animal, abstaining from +motion in a rather too abrupt manner, propelled +Mr Bhosh over its head with excessive +velocity into the elegant interior of a victoria-carriage.</p> + +<p>He alighted upon a great dame who had +maliciously been enjoying the spectacle of his +predicament, but who now was forced to +experience the crushing repartee of his <i>tu +quoque</i>, for such a forcible collision with his +person caused her not only two blackened +optics but irremediable damage to the leather +of her nose.</p> + +<p>The pristine beauty of her features was +irrecoverably dismantled, while Mr Bhosh<span class="pagenum">[54]</span>—thanks +to his landing on such soft and yielding +material—remained intact and able to return +to his domicile in a fourwheeled cab.</p> + +<p>Beloved reader, however sceptical thou +mayest be, thou wilt infallibly admire with +me the inscrutable workings of Nemesis, when +thou learnest that the aforesaid great lady +was no other than the Duchess of Dickinson, +and (what is still more wonderful) that it was +she who had insidiously presented him with +such a fearful gift of the Danaides as an +obstreperous and unwieldy steed!</p> + +<p>Truly, as poet Shakespeare sagaciously +observes, there is a divinity that rough-hews +our ends, however we may endeavour to +preserve their shapeliness!<span class="pagenum">[55]</span></p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VIII" id="CHAPTER_VIII"></a>CHAPTER VIII</h2> + +<p class="h3">A RIGHTABOUT FACER FOR MR BHOSH</p> + +<div class="inset24"> +<p>Halloo! at a sudden your love warfare is changed!<br /> +Your dress is changed! Your address is changed!<br /> +Your express is changed! Your mistress is changed!<br /> +Halloo! at a sudden your funny fair is changed!</p> + +<p class="right"><i>A song sung by Messengeress Binda before Krishnagee</i><br /> +<i>Dr. Ram Kinoo Dutt (of Chittagong).</i></p> +</div> + +<p class="dropcap">THOSE who are <i>au faits</i> in the tortoise +involutions of the feminine disposition +will hear without astonishment that Duchess +Dickinson—so far from being chastened and +softened by the circumstance that the curse +she had launched at Mr Bhosh's head had +returned, like an illominous raven, to roost +upon her own nose and irreparably destroy +its contour—was only the more bitterly +incensed against him.<span class="pagenum">[56]</span></p> + +<p>Instead of interring the hatchet that had +flown back, as if it were that fabulous volatile +the boomerang, she was in a greater stew than +ever, and resolved to leave no stone unturned +to trip him up. But what trick to play, seeing +that all the honours were in Mr Bhosh's hands?</p> + +<p>She could not officiate as Marplot to discredit +him in the affections of his ladylove, +since the Princess was too severely enamoured +to give the loan of her ear to any sibillations +from a snake in grass.</p> + +<p>How else, then, to hinder his match? At +this she was seized with an idea worthy of +Maccaroni himself. She paid a complimentary +visit to the Princess, arrayed in the sheepish +garb of a friend, and contrived to lure the +conversation on to the vexed question of +prying into futurity.</p> + +<p>Surely, she artfully suggested, the Princess +at such a momentous epoch of her existence +had, of course, not neglected the sensible +precaution of consulting some competent +soothsayer respecting the most propitious day<span class="pagenum">[57]</span> +for her nuptials with the accomplished Mr +Bhosh?...</p> + +<p>What, had she omitted to pop so important +a question? How incredibly harebrained! +Fortunately, there was yet time to do the +needful, and she herself would gladly volunteer +to accompany the Princess on such an +errand.</p> + +<p>Princess Petunia fell a ready victim into the +jaws of this diabolical booby-trap and inquired +the address and name of the cleverest necromancer, +for it is matter of notoriety that +London ladies are quite as superstitious and +addicted to working the oracle as their native +Indian sisters.</p> + +<p>The Duchess replied that the Astrologer-Royal +was a <i>facile princeps</i> at uttering a +prediction, and accordingly on the very next +day she and the Princess, after disguising +themselves, set forth on the summit of a +tramway 'bus to the Observatory Temple of +Greenwich, where, after first propitiating the +prophet by offerings, they were ushered into a<span class="pagenum">[58]</span> +darkened inner chamber. Although they were +strictly <i>pseudo</i>, he at once informed them of +their genuine cognomens, and also told them +much concerning their past of which they had +hitherto been ignorant.</p> + +<p>And to the Princess he said, stroking the +long and silvery hairs of his beard, "My +daughter, I foresee many calamities which will +inevitably befall thee shouldest thou marry +before the day on which the bridegroom wins +a certain contest called the Derby with a horse +of his own."</p> + +<p>The gentle Petunia departed melancholy as +a gib cat, since Mr Bhosh was not the happy +possessor of so much as a single racing-horse +of any description, and it was therefore not +feasible that he should become entitled to wear +the <i>cordon bleu</i> of the turf in his buttonhole on +his wedding day!</p> + +<p>With many sighs and tears she imparted her +piece of news to the horror-stricken ears of our +hero, who earnestly assured her that it was +contrary to commonsense and <i>bonos mores</i>, to +<span class="pagenum">[59]</span>attach any importance to the mere <i>ipse dixit</i> of +so antiquated a charlatan as the Astrologer-Royal, +who was utterly incapable—except at +very long intervals—to bring about even such +a simple affair as an eclipse which was visible +from his own Observatory!</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 290px;"> +<a name="Illustration_VI" href="images/i_095f.jpg"> +<img src="images/i_095t.jpg" width="290" height="400" alt="'MY DAUGHTER, I FORESEE MANY CALAMITIES WHICH WILL INEVITABLY BEFALL THEE'" title="" /> +</a> +<span class="caption">'MY DAUGHTER, I FORESEE MANY CALAMITIES WHICH WILL INEVITABLY BEFALL THEE'</span> +</div> + +<p>However, the Princess, being a feminine, +was naturally more prone to puerile credulities, +and very solemnly declared that nothing would +induce her to kneel by Mr Bhosh's side at the +torch of Hymen until he should first have +distinguished himself as a Derby winner.</p> + +<p>Whereat Mr Bhosh, perceiving that the date +of his nuptial ceremony was become a <i>dies non</i> +in a Grecian calendar, did wring his hands in +a bath of tears.</p> + +<p>Alas! he was totally unaware that it was his +implacable enemy, the Duchess Dickinson, who +had thus upset his apple-cart of felicity—but so +it was, for by a clandestine bribe, she had +corrupted the Astrologer-Royal—a poor, weak, +very avaricious old chap—to trump out such a +disastrous prediction.<span class="pagenum">[60]</span></p> + +<p>Some heroes in this hard plight would have +thrown up the leek, but Mr Bhosh was stuffed +with sterner materials. He swore a very long +oath by all the gods that he had ceased to +believe in, that sooner or later, by crook or +hook, he would win the Derby race, though +entirely destitute of horseflesh and very ill +able to afford to purchase the most mediocre +quadruped.</p> + +<p>Here some sporting readers will probably +object! Why could he not enlist his unwieldy +gifthorse among Derby candidates and so +hoist the Duchess on the pinnacle of her own +petard?</p> + +<p>To which I reply: Too clever by halves, +Misters! <i>Imprimis</i>, the steed in question was +of far too ferocious a temperament (though +undeniably swift-footed) ever to become a +favourite with Derby judges; secondly, after +dismounting Mr Bhosh, it had again taken to +its heels and departed into the Unknown, nor +had Mr Bhosh troubled himself to ascertain its +private address.<span class="pagenum">[61]</span></p> + +<p>But fortune favours the brave. It happened +that Mr Bhosh was one day promenading down +the Bayswater Road when he was passed by a +white horse drawing a milk chariot with unparalleled +velocity, outstripping omnibuses, +waggons, and even butcher-carts in its wind-like +progress, which was unguided by any +restraining hand, for the milk-charioteer himself +was pursuing on foot.</p> + +<p>His natural puissance in equine affairs +enabled Mr Bhosh to infer that the steed +which could cut such a record when handicapped +with a cumbrous dairy chariot would +exhibit even greater speed if in <i>puris naturalibus</i>, +and that it might even not improbably +carry off first prize in the Derby race.</p> + +<p>So, as the milk-charioteer ran up, overblown +with anxiety, to learn the result of his horse's +escapade, Mr Bhosh stopped him to inquire +what he would take for such an animal.</p> + +<p>The dairy-vendor, rather foolishly taking it +for granted that horse and cart were gone +concerns, thought he was making the good<span class="pagenum">[62]</span> +stroke of business in offering the lot for a +twenty-pound note.</p> + +<p>"I have done with you!" cried Mr Bhosh +sharply, handing over the purchase-money, +which he very fortunately chanced to have +about him, and galloping off to inspect his +bargain, which was like buying a pig after +once poking it in the ribs.</p> + +<p>In what condition he found it I must leave +you to learn, my dear readers, in an ensuing +chapter.<span class="pagenum">[63]</span></p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_IX" id="CHAPTER_IX"></a>CHAPTER IX</h2> + +<p class="h3">THE DARK HORSE</p> + +<div class="inset20"> +<p>Full many a mare with coat of milkiest sheen,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Is dyed in dark unfathomed coal mines drab;</span><br /> +Full many a flyer's born to blush unseen,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And waste her swiftness on a hansom cab.</span></p> + +<p class="right"><i>Lines to order by a young English friend, who swears they +are original. But I regard them as an unconscious +plagiarism from Poet Young's "Eulogy of a Country +Cemetery." H. B. J.</i></p> + +<p>It is a gain, a precious, let me gain! let me gain!<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Oh, Potentate! Oh, Potentate!</span><br /> +The shower of thine secret shoe-dust<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Oh, Potentate! Oh, Potentate!</span></p> + +<p class="right"><i>Dr. Ram Kinoo Dutt</i> (<i>of Chittagong</i>).</p> +</div> + +<p class="dropcap">WE left Mr Bhosh in full pursuit of +the runaway horse and milk-chariot +which he had so spiritedly purchased while +still <i>en route</i>. After running a mile or two, +he was unspeakably rejoiced to find that the +equipage had automatically come to a standstill<span class="pagenum">[64]</span> +and was still in prime condition—with +the exception of the lacteal fluid, which had +made its escape from the pails.</p> + +<p>Bindabun, however, was not disposed to +weep for long over spilt milk, and had the +excessive magnanimity to restore the chariot +and pails to the dairy merchant, who was +beside himself with gratitude.</p> + +<p>Then, Mr Bhosh, with a joyful heart, +having detached his purchase from the shafts, +conducted it in triumph to his domicile. It +turned out to be a mare, white as snow and +of marvellous amiability; and, partly because +of her origin, and partly from her complexion, +he christened her by the appellation of +<i>Milky Way</i>.</p> + +<p>Although perforce a complete ignoramus +in the art of educating a horse to win any +equine contest, Mr Bhosh's nude commonsense +told him that the first step was to +fatten his rather too filamentous pupil with +corn and similar seeds, and after a prolonged +course of beanfeasts he had the gratification<span class="pagenum">[65]</span> +to behold his mare filling out as plump as a +dumpling.</p> + +<p>As he desired her to remain the dark +horse as long as possible, he concealed her +in a small toolshed at the end of the garden, +ministering to her wants with his own hands, +and conducting her for daily nocturnal constitutionals +several times round the central +grass-patch.</p> + +<p>For some time he refrained from mounting—"fain +would he climb but that he feared to +fall," as Poet Bunyan once scratched with a +diamond on Queen Anne's window; but at +length, reflecting that if nothing ventures +nothing is certain to win, he purchased a +padded saddle with appendages, and surmounted +<i>Milky Way</i>, who, far from regarding +him as an interloper, appeared gratified +by his arrival, and did her utmost to make +him feel thoroughly at home.</p> + +<p>The next step was, of course, to obtain +permission from the pundits who rule the +roast of the Jockey Club, that <i>Milky Way</i><span class="pagenum">[66]</span> +might be allowed to compete in the approaching +Derby.</p> + +<p>Now this was a more delicately ticklish +matter than might be supposed, owing to the +circumstance that the said pundits are such +warm men, and so well endowed with this +world's riches that they are practically non-corruptible.</p> + +<p>Fortunately, Mr Bhosh, as a dabster in +English composition, was a pastmaster in +drawing a petition, and, sitting down, he +constructed the following:—</p> + +<p class="h4"> +<span class="smcap">To Those Most Worshipful Bigheads In control of Jockeys Club.</span></p> + +<p style="font-weight:bolder"><span class="smcap">Benign Personages!</span></p> + +<p style="margin-left:2em">This Petition humbly sheweth:</p> + +<ol> +<li>That your Petitioner is a native Indian Cambridge B.A., a +Barrister-at-law, and a most loyal and devoted subject of Her +Majesty the <span class="smcap">Queen-Empress.</span> +</li> + +<li>That it is of excessive importance to him, for private<span class="pagenum">[67]</span> +reasons, that he should win a Derby Race.</li> + +<li>That such a famous victory would be eminently popular with all +classes of Indian natives, and inordinately increase their affection +for British rule.</li> + +<li>That for some time past your Petitioner has been diligently +training a quadruped which he fondly hopes may gain a victory.</li> + +<li>That said quadruped is a member of the fair sex.</li> + +<li>That she is a female horse of very docile disposition, but, +being only recently extracted from shafts of dairy chariot, is a +total neophyte in Derby racing.</li> + +<li>That your lordships may direct that she is to be kindly +permitted to try her luck in this world-famous competition.</li> + +<li>That it would greatly encourage her to exhibit topmost speed if +<span class="pagenum">[68]</span>she could be allowed to start running a few minutes previously to +older stagers.</li> + +<li>That if this is unfortunately contrary to regulations, then the +Judge should receive secret instructions to look with a favourable +eye upon the said female horse (whose name is <i>Milky Way</i>) and award +her first prize, even if by any chance she may not prove quite so +fast a runner as more professional hacks: +<p class="noin" style="margin-left:1em">And your Petitioner will ever pray on bended knees that so truly +magnificent an institution as the Epsom Derby Course may never be +suppressed on grounds of encouraging national vice of gambling and +so forth. Signed, &c.</p></li> +</ol> + +<p>The wording of the above proved Mr +Bhosh's profound acquaintance with the human +heart, for it instantaneously attained the desired +end.</p> + +<p>The Honble Stewards returned a very kind<span class="pagenum">[69]</span> +answer, readily consenting to receive <i>Milky +Way</i> as a candidate for Derby honours, but +regretting that it was <i>ultra vires</i> to concede +her a few minutes' start, and intimating that +she must start with a scratch in company with +all the other horses.</p> + +<p>Bindabun was not in the least degree cast +down or depressed by this refusal of a start, +since he had not entertained any sanguine +hope that it would be granted, and had only +inserted it to make insurance doubly sure, for +he was every day more confident that <i>Milky +Way</i> was to win, even though obliged to step +off with the rank and file.<span class="pagenum">[70]</span></p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_X" id="CHAPTER_X"></a>CHAPTER X</h2> + +<p class="h3">TRUST HER NOT! SHE IS FOOLING THEE!</p> + +<div class="inset28"> +<p>As the Sunset flames most fiery when snuffed out by sudden night;<br /> +As the Swan reserves its twitter till about to hop the twig;<br /> +As the Cobra's head swells biggest just before he does his bite;<br /> +So a feminine smiles her sweetest ere she gives her nastiest dig.</p> + +<p class="right"><i>Satirical Stanza (unpublished) by H. B. J.</i></p> +</div> + +<p class="dropcap">Now that our hero had obtained that +the name of <i>Milky Way</i> was to be +inscribed on the Golden Book of Derby candidates, +his next proceeding was to hire a +practical jockey to assume supreme command +of her.</p> + +<p>And this was no simple matter, since practical +jockeys are usually hired many weeks +beforehand, and demand handsome wages for +taking their seats. But at last, after protracted +advertisements, Mr Bhosh had the +good fortune to pitch upon a perfect treasure,<span class="pagenum">[71]</span> +whose name was Cadwallader Perkin, +and who, for his riding in some race or other, +had been awarded a whole year's holiday by +the stewards who had observed the paramountcy +of his horsemanship.</p> + +<p>No sooner had Perkin inspected <i>Milky +Way</i> than he was quite in love with his +stable companion, and assured his employer +that, with more regular out-of-door exercise, +she would be easily competent to win the +Derby on her head, whereupon Mr Bhosh +consented that she should be galloped after +dark round the inner circle of Regent's Park, +which is chiefly populated at such a time by +male and female bicyclists.</p> + +<p>But in order to pay Perkins charges, and +also provide a silken jockey tunic and cap +of his own racing colours (which were cream +and sky-blue), Mr Bhosh was compelled to +borrow more money from Mr M<sup>c</sup>Alpine, who, +as a Jewish Scotch, exacted the rather exorbitant +interest of sixty per centum.</p> + +<p>It leaked out in some manner that <i>Milky</i><span class="pagenum">[72]</span> +<i>Way</i> was a coming Derby favourite, and the +property of a Native young Indian sportsman, +whose entire fortunes depended on her +success, and soon immense multitudes congregated +in Regent's Park to witness her +trials of speed, and cheered enthusiastically +to behold the fiery sparks scintillating from +the stones as she circumvented the inner +circle in seven-leagued boots.</p> + +<p>Mr Bhosh of course asseverated that she +was a very mediocre sort of mare, and that +he did not at all expect that she would prove +a winner, but connoisseurs nevertheless betted +long odds upon her success, and Bindabun +himself, though not a speculative, did put on +the pot himself upon the golden egg which +he was so anxiously hatching.</p> + +<p>One evening amongst those who were +gathered to view the nocturnal exercises of +<i>Milky Way</i> there appeared a feminine spectator +of rather sinister aspect, in a thick veil +and a victoria-carriage.</p> + +<p>It was no other than Duchess Dickinson,<span class="pagenum">[73]</span> +who had somehow learnt how courageously +Mr Bhosh was endeavouring to fulfil the +Astrologer-Royal's prediction, and who had +come to ascertain whether his mare was +indeed such a paragon of celerity as had +been represented.</p> + +<p>The very first time that <i>Milky Way</i> cantered +past with the gait of a streak of lightning, +the Duchess realised with a sinking +heart that Mr Bhosh must indubitably succeed +at the Derby—<i>unless he was prevented</i>.</p> + +<p>But how to achieve this? Her womanly +instinct told her that Cadwallader Perkin was +far too inexperienced to resist for long such +mature and ripened charms as hers—even +though the latter were unfortunately discounted +by the accidental nose-flattening.</p> + +<p>So, lowering her veil till only her eyes were +visible above, she waited till he passed once +more, then flung him such a liquid and flashing +glance from her starry and now no longer +discoloured optics that the young jockey, who +was of an excessively susceptible disposition,<span class="pagenum">[74]</span> +all but fell off the saddle with emotion, like a +very juvenile bird under serpentine observation.</p> + +<p>"He is mine!" said the unscrupulous Duchess +internally, laughing up her sleeve at such a +proof of her fascinations, "mine! mine!"</p> + +<p>She had too much intelligence and mother-wit, +however, to take any steps until Mr Bhosh +should be safely out of the way—and how to +accomplish his removal?</p> + +<p>As an acquaintance with the above-mentioned +usurer, M<sup>c</sup>Alpine, she was aware that he had +advanced large loans to Mr Bhosh, and so she +laid her plans and bided her time.</p> + +<p>There soon remained only one day before +that carnival of all sporting saturnalians, the +Epsom Derby day, and Bindabun formed the +prudent resolution to avoid any delays or +crushings by putting <i>Milky Way</i> into a railway +box, and despatching her to Epsom on the +previous afternoon, under the chaperonage of +Cadwallader Perkin, who was to engage suitable +lodgings for her in the vicinity of the +course.<span class="pagenum">[75]</span></p> + +<p>But just as Bindabun was approaching the +booking hole of Victoria terminus to take a +horse-ticket, lo and behold! he was rapped +on the shoulder by a couple of policemen, who +civilly inquired whether his name was not +Bhosh.</p> + +<p>He replied that it was, and that he was the +lucky proprietor of a female horse who was +infallibly destined to win the Derby, and that +he was even now proceeding to purchase her +travelling ticket. But the policemen insisted +that he must first discharge the full amount +of his debt and costs to Mr M<sup>c</sup>Alpine, who +had commenced a law-suit.</p> + +<p>"It is highly inconvenient to pay now," +replied our hero, "I will settle up after receiving +my Derby Stakes."</p> + +<p>"We are infernally sorry," said the constables, +"but we have instructions to imprison +you until the amount is stumped up, and anything +you say now will be taken down and used +against you at your trial."</p> + +<p>Mr Bhosh remained <i>sotto voce</i>; and as he<span class="pagenum">[76]</span> +was being led off with gyves upon his wrists, +like Aram the usher, whom should he behold +but the Duchess of Dickinson!</p> + +<p>Like all truly first-class heroes, he was of a +generous, confiding nature, and his head was +not for a moment entered by the suspicion that +the Duchess could still cherish any ill feelings +towards him. "I am sincerely sorry," he said +with good-humoured gallantry, "to observe +that your ladyship's nose-leather is still in such +bad repair. I was riding a rather muscular +steed that afternoon, and could not thoroughly +control my movements."</p> + +<p>She suavely responded that she was proud +to have been the means of breaking his +fall.</p> + +<p>"Not only my fall—but your own nose!" +retorted Mr. Bhosh sympathetically. "A sad +pity! Fortunately, at your time of life such +disfigurements are of no consequence. I, +myself, am now in the pretty pickle."</p> + +<p>And he explained how he had been arrested +for debt, at the very moment when he had an<span class="pagenum">[77]</span> +appointment to meet his mare and jockey and +see them safely off by the Epsom train.</p> + +<p>"Do not trouble about that," said the +Duchess. "Hand me your purse, and I myself +will meet them and do the needful on your +behalf. I have interest with this Mr +M<sup>c</sup>Alpine and will intercede that you are let +out immediately."</p> + +<p>Mr Bhosh kissed her hand as he handed +over his said purse. "This is, indeed, a noble +return for my coldheartedness," he said, "and +I am even more sorry than before that I +should have involuntarily dilapidated so exquisite +a nose."</p> + +<p>"Pray do not mention it," replied the +Duchess, with the baleful simper of a Sphynx, +and Mr Bhosh departed for his durance vile +with a mind totally free from misgivings.<span class="pagenum">[78]</span></p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XI" id="CHAPTER_XI"></a>CHAPTER XI</h2> + +<p class="h3">STONE WALLS DO NOT MAKE A CAGE</p> + +<div class="inset28"> +<p>Oh, give me back my Arab steed, I cannot ride alone!<br /> +Or tell me where my Beautiful, my four-legged bird has flown.<br /> +'Twas here she arched her glossy back, beside the fountain's brink,<br /> +And after that I know no more—but I came off, I think.</p> + +<p class="right"><i>More so-called original lines by aforesaid young English +friend. But I have the shrewd suspicion of having +read them before somewhere.—H. B. J.</i></p> +</div> + +<p class="dropcap">AND now, O gentle and sympathetic +reader, behold our unfortunate hero +confined in the darkest bowels of the Old +Bailey Dungeon, for the mere crime of being +an impecunious!</p> + +<p>Yes, misters, in spite of all your boasted love +of liberty and fresh air, imprisonment for debt +is still part of the law of the land! How long +will you deafen your ears to the pitiable cry of +the bankrupt as he pleads for the order of his<span class="pagenum">[79]</span> +discharge? Perhaps it has been reserved for +a native Indian novelist to jog the elbow of +so-called British jurisprudence, and call its +attention to such a shocking scandal.</p> + +<p>Mr Bhosh found his prison most devilishly +dull. Some prisoners have been known to +beguile their captivity by making pets or +playmates out of most unpromising materials. +For instance, and <i>exempli gratia</i>, Mr Monty +Christo met an abbey in his dungeon, who +gave him a tip-top education; Mr Picciola +watered a flower; the Prisoner of Chillon +made chums of his chains; while Honble +Bruce, as is well-known, succeeded in taming +a spider to climb up a thread and fall down +seven times in succession.</p> + +<p>But Mr Bhosh had no spider to amuse him, +and the only flowers growing in his dungeon +were toadstools, which do not require to be +watered, nor did there happen to be any abbey +confined in the Old Bailey at the time.</p> + +<p>Nevertheless, he was preserved from despair +by his indomitable native chirpiness. For<span class="pagenum">[80]</span> +was not <i>Milky Way</i> a dead set for the Derby, +and when she came out at the top of the pole, +would he not be the gainer of sufficient untold +gold to pay all his debts, besides winning the +hand of Princess Petunia?</p> + +<p>He was waited upon by the head gaoler's +daughter, a damsel of considerable pulchritude +by the name of Caroline, who at first regarded +him askance as a malefactor.</p> + +<p>But, on learning from her parent that his +sole offence was insuperable pennilessness, her +tender heart was softened with pity to behold +such a young gentlemanly Indian captive +clanking in bilboes, and soon they became +thick as thieves.</p> + +<p>Like all the inhabitants of Great Britain, +her thoughts were entirely engrossed with the +approaching Derby Race, and she very innocently +narrated how it was matter of common +knowledge that a notorious grandame, to wit +the fashionable Duchess of Dickinson, had +backed heavily that <i>Milky Way</i> was to fail +like the flash of a pan.<span class="pagenum">[81]</span></p> + +<p>Whereupon Mr Bhosh, recollecting that he +had actually entrusted his invaluable mare +with her concomitant jockey to the mercy of +this self-same Duchess, was harrowed with +sudden misgivings.</p> + +<p>By shrewd cross-questions he soon eliminated +that Mr M<sup>c</sup>Alpine was a pal of the +Duchess, which she had herself admitted at the +Victoria terminus, and thus by dint of penetrating +instinct, Mr Bhosh easily unravelled +the tangled labyrinth of a hideous conspiracy, +which caused him to beat his head vehemently +against the walls of his cell at the thought of +his utter impotentiality.</p> + +<p>Like all feminines who were privileged to +make his acquaintance, Miss Caroline was +transfixed with passionate adoration for Bindabun, +whom she regarded as a gallant and +illused innocent, and resolved to assist him to +cut his lucky.</p> + +<p>To this end she furnished him with a file +and a silken ladder of her own knitting—but +unfortunately Mr Bhosh, having never before<span class="pagenum">[82]</span> +undergone incarceration, was a total neophyte +in effecting his escape by such dangerous and +antiquated procedures, which he firmly declined +to employ, urging her to sneak the +paternal keybunch and let him out at daybreak +by some back entrance.</p> + +<p>And, not to crack the wind of this poor +story while rendering it as short as possible, +she yielded to his entreaties and contrived to +restore him to the priceless boon of liberty the +next morning at about 5 <span class="smcap">A.M.</span></p> + +<p>Oh, the unparalleled raptures of finding +himself once more free as a bird!</p> + +<p>It was the dawn of the Derby Day, and Mr +Bhosh precipitated himself to his dwelling, +intending to array himself in all his best and +go down to Epsom, where he was in hopes of +encountering his horse. Heyday! What +was his chagrin to see his jockey, Cadwallader +Perkin, approach with streaming eyes, fling +himself at his master's feet and implore him to +be merciful!</p> + +<p>"How comes it, Cadwallader," sternly inquired<span class="pagenum">[83]</span> +Mr Bhosh, "that you are not on the +heath of Epsom instead of wallowing like +this on my shoes?"</p> + +<p>"I do not know," was the whimpered response.</p> + +<p>"Then pray where is my Derby favourite, +<i>Milky Way</i>?" demanded Bindabun.</p> + +<p>"I cannot tell," wailed out the lachrymose +juvenile. Then, after prolonged pressure, he +confessed that the Duchess had met him at +the station portals, and, on the plea that there +was abundance of spare time to book the mare, +easily persuaded him to accompany her to the +buffet of Refreshment-room.</p> + +<p>There she plied him with a stimulant which +jockeys are proverbially unable to resist, viz., +brandy-cherries, in such profusion that he +promptly became catalyptic in a corner.</p> + +<p>When he returned to sobriety neither the +Duchess nor the mare was perceptible to his +naked eye, and he had been searching in vain +for them ever since.</p> + +<p>It was the time not for words, but deeds,<span class="pagenum">[84]</span> +and Mr Bhosh did not indulge in futile +irascibility, but sat down and composed a +reply wire to the Clerk of Course, Epsom, +couched in these simple words: "Have you +seen my Derby mare?—<span class="smcap">Bhosh.</span>"</p> + +<p>After the suspense of an hour the reply +came in the discouraging form of an abrupt +negative, upon which Mr Bhosh thus addressed +the abashed Perkin: "Even should I recapture +my mare in time, you have proved yourself unworthy +of riding her. Strip off your racing +coat and cap, and I will engage some more +reliable equestrian."</p> + +<p>The lad handed over the toggery, which +Bindabun stuffed, being of very fine silken +tissue, into his coat pocket, after which he +hurried off to Victoria in great agitation to +make inquiries.</p> + +<p>There the officials treated his modest requests +in very off-handed style, and he was +becoming all of a twitter with anxiety and +humiliation, when, <i>mirabile dictu!</i> all of a +sudden his ears were regaled by the well-known<span class="pagenum">[85]</span> +sound of a whinny, and he recognised +the beloved voice of <i>Milky Way</i>!</p> + +<p>But whence did it proceed? He ran to and +fro in uncontrollable excitement, endeavouring +to locate the sound. There was no trace of a +horse in any of the waiting-rooms, but at +length he discovered that his mare had been +locked up in the Left-Luggage department, and, +summoning a porter, Mr Bhosh had at last the +indescribable felicity to embrace his kidnapped +Derby favourite <i>Milky Way</i>!<span class="pagenum">[86]</span></p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XII" id="CHAPTER_XII"></a>CHAPTER XII</h2> + +<p class="h3">A RACE AGAINST TIME</p> + +<div class="inset22"> +<p>There's a certain old Sprinter; you've got to be keen,<br /> +If you'd beat him—although he is bald,<br /> +And he carries a clock and a mowing-machine.<br /> +On the cinderpath "Tempus" he's called.</p> + +<p class="right"><i>Stanza written to order by young English friend,<br /> +but (I fear) copied from Poet Tennyson.</i></p> +</div> + +<p class="dropcap">AH! with what perfervid affection did Mr +Bhosh caress the neck of his precious +horse! How carefully he searched her to +make sure that she had sustained no internal +poisonings or other dilapidations!</p> + +<p>Thank goodness! He was unable to detect +any flaw within or without—the probability +being that the crafty Duchess did not dare to +commit such a breach of decorum as to poison +a Derby favourite, and thought to accomplish +her fell design by leaving the mare as lost +luggage and destroying the ticket-receipt.<span class="pagenum">[87]</span></p> + +<p>But old Time had already lifted the glass to +his lips, and the contents were rapidly running +down, so Mr Bhosh, approaching a railway +director, politely requested him to hook a +horse-box on to the next Epsom train.</p> + +<p>What was his surprise to hear that this could +not be done until all Derby trains had first +absented themselves! With passionate volubility +he pleaded that, if such a law of Medes +and Persians was to be insisted on, <i>Milky Way</i> +would infallibly arrive at Epsom several hours +too late to compete in the Derby race, in which +she was already morally victorious—until at +length the official relented, and agreed to do +the job for valuable consideration in hard cash.</p> + +<p>Lackadaisy! after excavating all his pockets, +our unhappy hero could only fork out wherewithal +enough for third-class single ticket for +himself, and he accordingly petitioned that his +mare might travel as baggage in the guard's van.</p> + +<p>I am not to say whether the officials at this +leading terminus were all in the pay of the +Duchess, since I am naturally reluctant to<span class="pagenum">[88]</span> +advance so serious a charge against such +industrious and talented parties, but it is <i>nem. +con.</i> that Mr Bhosh's very reasonable request +was nilled in highly offensive cut-and-dried +fashion, and he was curtly recommended to +walk himself and his horse off the platform.</p> + +<p><i>Que faire?</i> How was it humanly possible +for any horse to win the Derby race without +putting in an appearance? And how was +<i>Milky Way</i> to put in her appearance if she +was not allowed access to any Epsom train? +A less wilful and persevering individual than +Mr Bhosh would have certainly succumbed +under so much red-tapery, but it only served +to arouse Bindabun's monkey.</p> + +<p>"How far is the distance to Epsom?" he +inquired.</p> + +<p>"Fourteen miles," he was answered.</p> + +<p>"And what o'clock the Derby race?"</p> + +<p>"About one <span class="smcap">P.M.</span>"</p> + +<p>"And it is now just the middle of the day!" +exclaimed Bindabun. "Very well, since it +seems <i>Milky Way</i> is not to ride in the railway, +<span class="pagenum">[89]</span>she shall cover the distance on shank's mare, +for I will ride her to Epsom in <i>propriâ +personâ</i>!"</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a name="Illustration_VII" href="images/i_129f.jpg"> +<img src="images/i_129t.jpg" width="400" height="285" alt="THE ROAD WAS CHOCKED FULL WITH EVERY DESCRIPTION OF CONVEYANCE" title="" /> +</a> +<span class="caption">THE ROAD WAS CHOCKED FULL WITH EVERY DESCRIPTION OF CONVEYANCE</span> +</div> + +<p>So courageous a determination elicited loud +cheers from the bystanders, who cordially +advised him to put his best legs foremost as he +mounted his mettlesome crack, and set off with +broken-necked speed for Epsom.</p> + +<p>I must request my indulgent readers to +excuse this humble pen from depicting the +horrors of that wild and desperate ride. Suffice +it to say that the road was chocked full with +every description of conveyance, and that Mr +Bhosh was haunted by two terrible apprehensions, +viz., that he might meet with some +shocking upset, and that he should arrive the +day after the fair.</p> + +<p>As he urged on his headlong career, he was +constantly inquiring of the occupants of the +various vehicles if he was still in time for the +Derby, and they invariably hallooed to him +that if he desired to witness the spectacle he +was to buck himself up.<span class="pagenum">[90]</span></p> + +<p>Mr Bhosh bucked himself up to such good +purpose that, long before the clock struck one, +his eyes were gladdened by beholding the +summit of Epsom grand stand on the distant +hill-tops.</p> + +<p>Leaning himself forward, he whispered in +the shell-like ear of <i>Milky Way</i>: "Only one +more effort, and we shall have preserved both +our bacons!"</p> + +<p>But, alas! he had the mortification to perceive +that the legs of <i>Milky Way</i> were +already becoming tremulous from incipient +grogginess.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>And now, beloved reader, let me respectfully +beg you to imagine yourself on the Epsom +Derby Course immediately prior to the grand +event. What a marvellous human farrago! +All classes hobnobbing together higgledy-piggledy; +archbishops with acrobats; benchers +with bumpkins; counts with candlestickmakers; +dukes with druggists; and so on through the +entire alphabet. Some spectators in carriages;<span class="pagenum">[91]</span> +others on <i>terra firma</i>; flags flying; bands +blowing; innumerable refreshment tents rearing +their heads proudly into the blue +Empyrean; policemen gazing with smiling +countenances on the happy multitudes when +not engaged in running them in.</p> + +<p>Now they are conducting the formality of +weighing the horses, to see if they are qualified +as competitors for the Derby Gold Cup, +and each horse, as it steps out of the balancing +scales and is declared eligible, commences to +prance jubilantly upon the emerald green turf.</p> + +<p>(<i>N.B.</i>-The writer of above realistic description +has never been actually present at any +Derby Race, but has done it all entirely from +assiduous cramming of sporting fictions. This +is surely deserving of recognition from a +generous public!)</p> + +<p>Now follows a period of dismay—for <i>Milky +Way</i>, the favourite of high and low, is suddenly +discovered to be still the dark horse! The +only person who exhibits gratification is the +Duchess Dickinson, who makes her entrance<span class="pagenum">[92]</span> +into the most fashionable betting ring and, +accosting a leading welsher, cries in exulting +accents: "I will bet a million to a monkey +against <i>Milky Way</i>!"</p> + +<p>Even the welsher himself is appalled by the +enormity of such a stake and earnestly counsels +the Duchess to substitute a more economical +wager, but she scornfully rejects his well-meant +advice, and with a trembling hand he inscribes +the bet in his welching book.</p> + +<p>No sooner has he done so than the saddling +bell breaks forth into a joyous chime, and the +crowd is convulsed by indescribable emotions. +"Huzza! huzza!" they shout. "Welcome to +the missing favourite, and three cheers for +<i>Milky Way</i>!"</p> + +<p>The Duchess had turned as pale as a witch, +for, galloping along the course, she beholds Mr +Bhosh, bereft of his tall hat and covered with +perspiration and dust, on the very steed which +she fondly hoped had been mislaid among the +left luggage!<span class="pagenum">[93]</span></p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XIII" id="CHAPTER_XIII"></a>CHAPTER XIII</h2> + +<p class="h3">A SENSATIONAL DERBY STRUGGLE</p> + +<div class="inset22"> +<p>Is it for sordid pelf that horses race?<br /> +Or can it be the glory that they go for?<br /> +Neither; they know the steed that shows best pace<br /> +Will get his flogging all the sooner over!</p> + +<p class="right"><i>Reflection at a Racecourse.—H. B. J.</i></p> +</div> + +<p class="dropcap">THE Duchess, seeing that her plot was +foiled by the unexpected arrival of +Mr Bhosh, made the frantic endeavour to +hedge herself behind another bet of a million +sterling to a monkey that <i>Milky Way</i> was to +come off conqueror—but in vain, since none +of the welshers would concede such very long +odds.</p> + +<p>So, wrapping her features in a veil of +feminine duplicity, she advanced swimmingly +to meet Mr Bhosh. "How lucky that you +have arrived on the neck of time!" she said.<span class="pagenum">[94]</span> +"And you have ridden all the way from town? +Tell me now, would not you and your dear +horse like some refreshment after so tedious +a journey?"</p> + +<p>"Madam," said Mr Bhosh, bowing to his +saddle-bow, while his optics remained fixed +upon the Duchess with a withering glare. +"We are not taking any—from <i>your</i> +hands."</p> + +<p>This crushing sarcasm totally abashed the +Duchess, who perceived that he had penetrated +her schemes and crept away in discomfiture.</p> + +<p>After this incident <i>Milky Way</i> was subjected +to the ordeal of trying her weight, which she +passed with honours. For—very fortunately +as it turned out—the twenty-four hours' starvation +which she had endured as left luggage +had reduced her to the prescribed number of +<i>maunds</i>, which she would otherwise have infallibly +exceeded, since Mr Bhosh, being as +yet a tyro in training Derby cracks, had +allowed her to acquire a superfluous obesity.</p> + +<p>Thus once more the machinations of the<span class="pagenum">[95]</span> +Duchess had only benefited the very individual +they were intended to injure!</p> + +<p>But it remained necessary to hire a practical +jockey, since Cadwallader Perkin was still +lamenting in dust and ashes at home, so Mr +Bhosh ran about from pillow to post endeavouring +to borrow a rider for <i>Milky +Way</i>.</p> + +<p>Owing, probably, to the Duchess's artifices, +he encountered nothing but refusals and pleas +of previous engagement—until, at the end of +the tether of his patience, he said: "Since my +mare cannot compete in a riderless condition, +I myself will assume command and steer her +to victory!"</p> + +<p>Upon which gallant speech the entire air +became darkened by clouds of upthrown hats +and shouts of "Bravo, Bindabun!"</p> + +<p>But upon this the pertinacious Duchess +lodged the objection that he was not in correct +toggery, and that, even if he still retained his +tall hat, it would be contrary to etiquette to +ride the Derby in a frock coat.<span class="pagenum">[96]</span></p> + +<p>"Where are his racing colours?" she demanded.</p> + +<p>"<i>Here!</i>" cried Mr Bhosh, pulling forth the +cream and sky-blue silken jacket and cap from +his pockets, and, discarding his frock coat, he +assumed the garbage of a jockey in the twinkle +of a jiffy.</p> + +<p>"I protest," then cried the undaunted +Duchess, "against such cruelty to animals +as racing an overblown mare so soon after +she has galloped from London!"</p> + +<p>"Your stricture is just, O humane and distinguished +lady," responded the judge, who +had conceived a violent attachment to <i>Milky +Way</i> and her owner, "and I will willingly +postpone the race for an hour or two until +the horse has recovered her breeze."</p> + +<p>"Quite unnecessary!" said Bindabun. +"My mare is not such a weakling as you +imagine, and will be as fit as a flea after +she has imbibed one or two champagne +bottles."</p> + +<p>And his prediction was literally fulfilled,<span class="pagenum">[97]</span> +for the champagne soon rendered <i>Milky +Way</i> playful as a kitten. Mr Bhosh ascended +into his saddle; the other horses were drawn +up in single rank; the starter brandished his +flag—and the curtain rose on such a race as +has, perhaps, never been equalled in the annals +of the Derby.</p> + +<p>The rival cracks were named as follows:——<i>Topsy +Turvey</i>, <i>Poojah</i>, <i>Brandy Pawnee</i>, +<i>Tiffin Bell</i>, <i>Tripod</i>, <i>Cui Bono</i>, <i>British Jurisprudence</i> +and <i>Roseate Smell</i>. The betting +was even on the field.</p> + +<p><i>Poojah</i> was a large tall horse with a nude +tail, but excessively nimble; <i>Tripod</i>, on the +contrary, was a small cob of sluggish habits +and needing to be constantly pricked; <i>Tiffin +Bell</i> was a piebald of goodly proportions; +and <i>Roseate Smell</i> was of same sex as +<i>Milky Way</i>, though more vixenish in +character.</p> + +<p>Not long after the start Mr Bhosh was +chagrined to discover that he was all behindhand, +and he almost despaired of overtaking<span class="pagenum">[98]</span> +any of his fore-runners. Moreover, he was +already oppressed by painful soreness, due +to so constantly coming in contact with the +saddle during his ride from London—but "in +for a penny, in for a pound of flesh," and he +plodded on, and soon had the good luck to +recapture some of his lost ground.</p> + +<p>It was the old fabulous anecdote of the +Hare and the Tortoise. First of all, <i>Topsy +Turvey</i> was tripped up by a rabbit's hole; +then <i>Roseate Smell</i> leaped the barrier and +joined the spectators, while <i>Tripod</i> sprained +his offside ankle. Gradually Mr Bhosh +passed <i>Brandy Pawnee</i>, <i>Cui Bono</i>, and +<i>British Jurisprudence</i>, until, on arriving at +Tottenham Court Corner, only <i>Tiffin Bell</i> +and <i>Poojah</i> remained in the running.</p> + +<p><i>Tiffin Bell</i> became so discouraged by the +near approach of <i>Milky Way</i> that he +dwindled his pace to a paltry trot, so Mr +Bhosh was easily enabled to defeat him, after +which by Cyclopean efforts he urged his mare +until she and <i>Poojah</i> were cheek by jowl.<span class="pagenum">[99]</span></p> + +<p>For some time it was the dingdong race +between a hammer and tongs!</p> + +<p>Still, as the quadrupeds ploughed their +way on, <i>Poojah</i> churlishly refused to give +<i>place aux dames</i>, and <i>Milky Way</i> began to +drop to the rear. Seeing that she was +utterly incompetent to accelerate her speed +and therefore in imminent danger of being +defeated, Chunder Bindabun had the happy +inspiration to make an appeal to the best +feelings of the rival jockey, whose name was +Juggins.</p> + +<p>"Juggins!" he wheezed in an agonised +whisper, "I am a poor native Indian, totally +unpractised in Derby riding. Show me some +magnanimous action, and allow <i>Milky Way</i> +to take first prize, Juggins!"</p> + +<p>But Mr Juggins responded that he earnestly +desired that <i>Poojah</i> should obtain said prize, +and applied a rather severe whipsmack to his +willing horse.</p> + +<p>"My mare is the favourite, Juggins!" +pleaded Mr Bhosh. "By defeating her you<span class="pagenum">[100]</span> +will land yourself in the bad odour of the <i>oi +polloi</i>. Have you considered that, Juggins?"</p> + +<p>Juggins's only reply was to administer +more whip-smacks, but Chunder Bindabun +persevered. "Consider my hard case, +Juggins! If I am beaten, I lose both a +<i>placens uxor</i> and the pot of money. If, on +the other hand, I come in first at the head +of the winning pole I promise to share my +entire fortune with you!"</p> + +<p>Upon this, the kind-hearted and venial +equestrian relented, warmly protesting that +he would rather be a <i>proxime accessit</i> and +second fiddle than deprive another human +being of all his earthly felicity, and accordingly +he reined in his impetuous courser +with such consummate skill that <i>Milky Way</i> +forged ahead by the length of a nose.</p> + +<p>Thus they galloped past the Grand Stand, +and, as Mr Bhosh gazed upwards and +descried the elegant form of the Princess +Petunia standing upon the topmost roof, +he was so exalted with jubilation that he<span class="pagenum">[101]</span> +elevated himself in his stirrups; and waving +his cap in a chivalrous salute, cried out: +"Hip-hip-hip! I am ramping in!"</p> + +<p>"Then," I hear the reader exclaim, "it is +all over, and <i>Milky Way</i> is victorious."</p> + +<p>Please, my honble friend, do not be so premature! +I have not <i>said</i> that the race was +over. There are still some yards to the +judge's bench, and it is always on the racing +cards that <i>Poojah</i> may prove the winner +after all.</p> + +<p>Such inquisitive curiosity shall be duly +satisfied in the next chapter, which is also +the last.<span class="pagenum">[102]</span></p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XIV" id="CHAPTER_XIV"></a>CHAPTER XIV</h2> + +<p class="h3">A GRAND FINISH</p> + +<div class="inset16"> +<p>Happy Aurora is a happy Aurora!<br /> +Hip, Hip, Hip, Hip, Hurrah! Hurrah!</p> + +<p class="right"><i>Dr Ram Kinoo Dutt (of Chittagong).</i></p> +</div> + +<p class="dropcap">ON the summit of the Grand Stand might +have been observed groups of spectators +eagerly awaiting the finish. Conspicuous +amongst them were Princess Petunia (most +sumptuously attired) and her parent, Merchant-prince +Jones; and close by Duke and +Duchess Dickinson, following the classic contest +through binocular glasses.</p> + +<p>"<i>Poojah</i> will prove to be the winner!... +No, it is <i>Milky Way</i>!... They are neck +or nothing! It will be a deceased heat!" +exclaimed the excited populaces.</p> + +<p>And the beauteous Petunia was as if seated<span class="pagenum">[103]</span> +upon the spike of suspense, since Mr Bhosh's +success was a <i>sine quâ non</i> to their union. +Suddenly came the glad shout: "The +Favourite takes the cake with a canter!" +and Duchess Dickinson became pallid with +anguish, for, rich as she was, she could ill +afford to become the loser of a cool million.</p> + +<p>The shout was strictly veracious, for Mr +Bhosh was ruling the roast by half-a-head, +and <i>Poojah</i> was correspondingly behind. +"<i>Macte virtute!</i>" cried Princess Petunia, in +the silvery tones of a highly-bred bell, while +she violently agitated her sun-umbrella: "O +my beloved Bindabun, do not fall behind at +eleven o'clock!"</p> + +<p>And, as though in answer to this appeal +(which he did not overhear), she beheld her +triumphant suitor saluting the empress of his +soul with uplifted jockey-cap.</p> + +<p>Alack! it was the fatal piece of politeness; +since, to avoid falling off, he was compelled +to moderate the speed of his racer while +performing it, and Juggins, either repenting<span class="pagenum">[104]</span> +his good-nature, or unable any longer to restrain +the impetuosity of <i>Poojah</i>, was carried +first past the winning-pole, Mr Bhosh following +on <i>Milky Way</i> as the bad second!</p> + +<p>At this the Princess Petunia emitted a +doleful scream; like Freedom, which, as some +poet informs us, "squeaked when Kockiusko +(a Japanese gentleman) fell," and suspended +her animation for several minutes, while the +Duchess "grinned a horrible ghastly smile," +as described by Poet Milton in <i>Paradise Lost</i>, +at Mr Bhosh's shocking defeat and her own +gain of a million, though all true sportsmen +present deeply sympathised with our hero +that he should be thus wrecked in sight of +port on account of an ordinary act of courtesy +to a female!</p> + +<p>But Mr Bhosh preserved his withers as +unwrung as though he possessed the hide of +a rhinoceros. "Honble Sir," said he, addressing +the Judge, "I humbly beg permission +to claim this Derby race and lodge an +objection against my antagonist."<span class="pagenum">[105]</span></p> + +<p>"On what grounds?" was the naturally +astonished rejoinder.</p> + +<p>"On the grounds," deliberately replied +Chunder Bindabun, "that he surreptitiously +did pull his horse's head."</p> + +<p>Juggins was too dumbfoundered to reply +to the accusation, and several spectators came +forward to testify that they had personally +witnessed him curbing his steed, and—it +being contrary to the <i>lex non scripta</i> of turf +etiquette to pull at a horse's head when he +is winning—Juggins was very ignominiously +plucked by the Jockey's Club.</p> + +<p>The Duchess made the desperate attempt +to argue that, if Juggins was a pot, Mr Bhosh +was a kettle of equally dark complexion, since +he also had reined up before attaining the goal—but +Chunder Bindabun was able easily to +show that he had done so, not with any intention +to forfeit his stakes, but merely to salute his +betrothed, whereas Juggins had pulled to prevent +his horse from achieving the conquest.</p> + +<p>So, to Mr Bhosh's inexpressible delight,<span class="pagenum">[106]</span> +the Derby Cup, full as an egg with golden +sovereigns, was awarded to him, and the +notorious blue ribbon was pinned by the judge +upon his proud and heaving bosom.</p> + +<p>But, as he was reverting, highly elated, to +the side of his beloved amidst the acclamations +of the multitude, the disreputable Juggins had +the audacity to pluck his elbow and demand +the promised <i>quid pro quo</i>.</p> + +<p>"For what service?" inquired Chunder +Bindabun in amazement.</p> + +<p>"Why, did you not promise me the moiety +of your fortune, honble Sir," was the reply, +"if I allowed you to be the winner?"</p> + +<p>Mr Bhosh was of an exceptionally mild, +just disposition, but such a piece of cheeky +chicanery as this aroused his fiercest indignation +and rendered him cross as two sticks. +"O contemptible trickster!" he said, in terrific +tones, "my promise (as thou knowest well) +was on condition that I was first past the +winning-pole. Whereas—owing to thy perfidy—I +was only the bad second. Do not +<span class="pagenum">[107]</span>attempt to hunt with the hare and run with +hounds. Depart to lower regions!"</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 282px;"> +<a name="Illustration_VIII" href="images/i_151f.jpg"> +<img src="images/i_151t.jpg" width="282" height="400" alt="THE NOTORIOUS BLUE RIBBON WAS PINNED BY THE JUDGE UPON HIS PROUD +AND HEAVING BOSOM" title="" /> +</a> +<span class="caption">THE NOTORIOUS BLUE RIBBON WAS PINNED BY THE JUDGE UPON HIS PROUD +AND HEAVING BOSOM</span> +</div> + +<p>And Juggins slinked into obscurity with +fallen chops.</p> + +<p>Benevolent and forbearing readers, this unassuming +tale is near its <i>finis</i>. Owing to his +brilliant success at the Derby, Mr Bhosh was +now rolling on cash, and, as the prediction +of the Astrologer-Royal was fulfilled, there +was no longer any objection to his union with +the Princess Jones, with whom he accordingly +contracted holy matrimony, and now lives in +great splendour at Shepherd's Bush, since all +his friends earnestly besought him that he +was not to return to India. He therefore +naturalised himself as a full-blooded British, +and further adopted a coat-of-arms from the +Family Herald, with a splendidly lofty crest, +and the motto "<i>Sans Peur et Sans Reproche</i>." +("Not being funky myself, I do not reproach +others with said failing"—<i>free translation</i>.)</p> + +<p>But what of the wicked Duchess? I have +to record that, being unable to pay the welsher<span class="pagenum">[108]</span> +her bet of a million pounds, she was solemnly +pronounced a bankruptess and incarcerated +(by a striking instance of the tit-for-tat of +Fate) in the identical Old Bailey cell to which +she had consigned Chunder Bindabun!</p> + +<p>And in her case the gaoler's fair daughter, +Miss Caroline, did not exhibit the same +softheartedness. Mr Bhosh and his Princess-bride, +being both of highly magnanimous +idiosyncrasies, for some time visited their +relentless foe in her captivity, carrying her +fruit and flowers and sweets of inexpensive +qualities, but were received in such a cold, +standoffish style that they soon discontinued +such thankless civilities.</p> + +<p>As for <i>Milky Way</i>, she is still hale and +flourishing, though she has never since displayed +the phenomenal speed of her first (and +probably her last) Derby race. She may +often be seen in the vicinity of Shepherd's +Bush, harnessed to a small basketchaise, in +which are Mr and Mrs Bhosh and some of +their blooming progenies.<span class="pagenum">[109]</span></p> + +<p>Here, with the Public's kind permission, +we will leave them, and although this trivial +and unpretentious romance can claim no merit +except its undeviating fidelity to nature, I +still venture to think that, for sheer excitement +and brilliancy of composition, &c., it will +be found, by all candid judges, to compare +rather favourably with more showy and meretricious +fictions by overrated English novelists.</p> + +<p class="h3"><span class="smcap">End<br /> +of<br /> +A Bayard From Bengal.</span></p> + +<br /> + +<p class="right"><i>N.B.—I cannot conscientiously recommend the Indulgent Reader to +proceed any further—for reasons which, should he do so, will be +obvious. </i> + + + + +<i>H. B. J.</i></p> + +<p><span class="pagenum">[110]</span></p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<h2><a name="THE_PARABLES_OF_PILJOSH" id="THE_PARABLES_OF_PILJOSH"></a>THE PARABLES OF PILJOSH</h2> + +<p class="h5">FREELY RENDERED INTO ENGLISH FROM THE ORIGINAL STYPTIC WITH INTRODUCTION +AND NOTES</p> + +<p class="h5">BY</p> + +<p class="h5">H. B. JABBERJEE, B.A.</p> + +<p class="h5">INTRODUCTION</p> + +<p class="dropcap">I shall begin by begging that it may not +be supposed either that <i>I</i> am the Author +or even the Translator of the appended fables!</p> + +<p>The plain truth of the matter is that I am +far indeed from standing agog with amazement +at their literary or other excellences, and +inclined rather to award them the faint damnation +of a very mediocre eulogy.</p> + +<p>But it so happens that the actual translator +is the same young English friend who kindly +furnished me with a few selected poetic extracts +for my Society novel, and has earnestly entreated +me (as the <i>quid pro quo</i>!) to compose +an introduction and notes for his own effusion,<span class="pagenum">[112]</span> +alleging that it is a <i>sine quâ non</i> nowadays for +all first class Classics to be issued with introduction, +notes and appendix by some literary +knob—otherwise they speedily become obsolete +and still-born.</p> + +<p>Therefore I readily consented to oblige him, +although I am no <i>au fait</i> in the Styptic dialect, +and cannot therefore be held answerable for +the accuracy of my friend's translation, which +he admits himself is of a rather free description.</p> + +<p>Of the Philosopher who composed these +Proverbs or Fables little is known, even in his +own country, except that (as all Scholiasts are +aware) he was born on the 1st of April 1450 +(old style), and for some years filled the important +and responsible post of Archi-mandrake +of Paraprosdokian. He probably met with a +violent end.</p> + +<p>I shall not undertake to provide a note to +<i>every</i> parable, but only in cases where I think +that the Parabolist is not quite as luminous as +the nose on one's face, and needs the services +of an experienced interpreter.</p> + +<p class="author">H. B. J.</p> + +<br /> + +<p><span class="pagenum">[113]</span></p> + +<p>The Butterfly visited so many flowers that +she fell sick of a surfeit of nectar. She called +it "Nervous Breakdown."</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"Instead of vainly lamenting over those we +have lost," said the young Cuckoo severely, +to the Father and Mother Sparrow, "it seems +to me that you should be rejoicing that <i>I</i> am +still spared to you!"</p> + +<p class="p4"> +<i>Note.</i>—A mere plagiaristic adaptation of the trite adage +concerning the comparative values of birds in the hand and in the +bush.—H. B. J.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"I am old enough to be thy Grandfather!" +the Egg informed the Chicken.</p> + +<p>"In that case," replied the Chicken, "it is +high time thou bestirredst thyself!"</p> + +<p>"Not so!" said the Egg, "since the longer +I remain quiescent, the fitter I shall be for the +career that is destined for me."<span class="pagenum">[114]</span></p> + +<p>"Indeed," inquired the Chicken, "and what +may <i>that</i> be?"</p> + +<p>"<i>Politics!</i>" answered the Egg with importance.</p> + +<p>And the Chicken pondered long over that +saying.</p> + +<p class="p4"> +<i>Note.</i>—I must confess to following the Chicken's precedent, +without arriving at any solution. For, logically, an Egg must be the +junior of any Chicken. And again, even for parabolical purposes, it +is far-fetched to represent an Egg as a potential Member of +Parliament. On the whole, I am not entirely satisfied that my young +friend is so proficient in acquaintance with Cryptic as he has +represented to me.—H. B. J.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>There is only one thing that irritateth a +woman more than the man who doth not +understand her, and that is the man who +doth.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>A certain Artificer constructed a mechanical +Serpent which was so marvellously natural that +it bit him in the back. "Had I but another +hour to live," he lamented in his last agonies, +"I would have patented the invention!"<span class="pagenum">[115]</span></p> + +<p>The Woman was so determined to be independent +of Man that she voluntarily became +the slave of a Machine.</p> + +<p class="p4"> +<i>Note.</i>—I do not understand the meaning of the +Fabulist here.—H. B. J.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"She used to be so fresh; but she is gone +off terribly since I first knew her!" said the +Slug of the Strawberry.</p> + +<p class="p4"> +<i>Note.</i>—See my remark on the last parable.—H. B. J.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"Now, I call that downright Plagiarism!" +observed the Ass, when he heard the Lion +roar.</p> + +<p>"A cheery laugh goes a long way in this +world!" remarked the Hyena.</p> + +<p>"But a bright smile goes further still!" said +the Alligator, as he took him in.</p> + +<p class="p4"> +<i>Note.</i>—If the honble Philosopher is censuring here merely the +assumption of hilarity and not ordinary quiet facetiousness, I am +<span class="pagenum">[116]</span> +entirely with him. But I rather regard him as a total deficient in +Humour and fanatically opposed to it in any form.—H. B. J.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"I trust I have now made myself perfectly +clear?" observed the Cuttlefish, after discharging +his ink.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>The Cockney was assured that, if he placed +the Sea-shell to his ear, he would hear the +murmur of Ocean.</p> + +<p>But all he caught distinctly was the melody +of negro minstrels.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"It is some satisfaction to feel that we have +both been sacrificed in a thoroughly deserving +cause!" said the Brace-button, complacently, +to the Threepenny Bit, as they met in the +Offertory Bag.</p> + +<p class="p4"> +<i>Note.</i>—This must be some local allusion, for I +do not know what sort of receptacle an Offertory +Bag may be, or why such articles should be inserted +therein.—H. B. J.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum">[117]</span></p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>Mistrust the Bridegroom who appeareth at +his wedding with sticking-plaster on his chin +[or "<i>without</i> sticking-plaster," &c.—the Styptic +is capable of either interpretation.—<i>Trans.</i>].</p> + +<p class="p4"> +<i>Note.</i>—Then I will humbly say that it must be a peculiarly elastic +tongue. But in <i>either</i> form the Proverb is meaningless.—H. B. J.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"What!—My Original dead?" cried the +Statue. "Then I have lost all chance of +ever becoming celebrated!"</p> + +<p class="p4"> +<i>Note.</i>—This is an obvious mistranslation, since a Statue is only +erected when the Original is already celebrated.—H. B. J.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"What is your favourite Perfume?" they +asked the Hog, and he answered them, "Pigwash."</p> + +<p>"How vulgar!" exclaimed the Stoat. "<i>Mine</i> +is Patchouli!"</p> + +<p>But the Fox said that, in <i>his</i> opinion, the +less scent one used the better.</p> + +<p class="p4"> +<i>Note.</i>—This merely records the well-known physiological fact that +<span class="pagenum">[118]</span> +some persons are born without the olfactory sense. Emperor +Vespasian was accustomed to declare (erroneously) that "pecunia non +olet."—H. B. J.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"I wonder they allow such a cruel contrivance +as that 'Catch 'em alive, oh!' paper!" +said the Spider tearfully, as she sat in her web.</p> + +<p class="p4"> +<i>Note.</i>—From this we learn that there may be a soft spot in the<br /> +most unpromising quarters. Even Alexander the Great, who spent the<br /> +blood of his troops like pocket money, is recorded to have wept at a<br /> +review on suddenly reflecting that all his soldiers would probably<br /> +be deceased in a hundred years. It is barely possible that Piljosh<br /> +may have been a spectator of this incident.—H. B. J.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>A certain Pheasant was pluming herself +upon having become a member of the Anti-Sporting +League.</p> + +<p>"Softly, friend!" said a wily old Cock, "for, +should this League of thine succeed in its +object, every man's hand would be against us +both by day and night; whereas, at present, +our lives are protected all night by vigilant<span class="pagenum">[119]</span> +keepers, and spared all day by our owner and +his guests, who are incapable of shooting for +nuts!"</p> + +<p class="p4"> +<i>Note.</i> —This is a glaring <i>non sequitur</i> and fallacy. I myself +have never shot for nuts—but it does not necessarily follow that +any pheasant would remain intact after I discharged my +rifle-barrel!—H. B. J.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"It is not what we <i>look</i> that signifieth," +said the Scorpion virtuously, "it is what we +<i>are</i>!"</p> + +<p class="p4"> +<i>Note.</i>—True enough—but the moral would have been improved by +attributing the saying to some insect of more innocuous character +than a Scorpion. Perhaps this is so in the original Styptic, for, as +I have said, I cannot repose implicit faith in my young friend's +version.—H. B. J.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"I have composed the most pathetic poem +in the world!" declared the Poet.</p> + +<p>"How can'st thou be sure of that," he was +asked.</p> + +<p>"Because," he replied, "I recited it to the +Crocodile, and she could not refrain from +shedding tears!"<span class="pagenum">[120]</span></p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"It is gratifying to find oneself appreciated +at last," said the Cabbage, when the Cigar +Merchant labelled him as a Cabaña.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"Don't talk to <i>me</i> about Cactus," said the +Ostrich contemptuously to the Camel. "Insipid +stuff, <i>I</i> call it! No—for real flavour +and delicacy, give me a pair of Sheffield +scissors!"</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"The accommodation might be more +luxurious, it's true," remarked the philosophic +Mouse, when he found himself in the Trap, +"but, after all, it's not as if I was going to +stay here <i>long</i>!"</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"People tell me he can shine when he +chooses," said the Extinguisher of the Candle. +"All <i>I</i> know is, he's positively dull whenever +he's with <i>me</i>!"</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>There was once a Musical Box which played +but one tune, to which its owner was never<span class="pagenum">[121]</span> +weary of listening. But, after a time, he +desired a novelty, and could not rest until he +had exchanged the barrel for another. However, +he sickened of the second tune sooner +than of the first, and so he exchanged it for a +third, which he liked not at all.</p> + +<p>Accordingly he commanded that the Box +should return to the first tune of all—and lo! +this had become an abomination unto his ears, +nor could he conceive how he had ever been +able to endure it!</p> + +<p>So the Musical Box was laid upon the shelf, +and the Owner procured for himself a cheap +mouth-organ which could play any air that was +suggested to it, and thus became an established +favourite.</p> + +<p class="p4"> +<i>Note.</i>—This is apparently designed to illustrate the ficklety of +the Musical Character.—H. B. J.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"<i>Do</i> come in!" snapped the severed Shark's +Head to the Ship's Cat. "As you perceive, +I am carrying on business as usual during the +alterations."<span class="pagenum">[122]</span></p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>The Bulbul had no sooner finished her song +than the Bullfrog began to make profuse apologies +for having left his music at home.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>To a Butterscotch Machine the Penny and +the Tin Disc are alike.</p> + +<p class="p4"> +<i>Note.</i>—Surely not if an official is looking on!—H. B. J.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"My dears," said the Converted Cannibal +reverently to his Wife and Family, as they +sat down to their Baked Missionary, "do +not let us omit to ask a blessing!"</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>There is but one Singer whom it is futile +to encore—and that is a Dying Swan.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"I am doing a series of 'Notable Nests' +for 'Sylvan Society,'" said the insinuating Serpent, +on finding the Ringdove at home, "and +I should so much like to include <i>you</i>." "You +are very kind," said the Ringdove, in a flutter, +"but I can assure you that there is no more<span class="pagenum">[123]</span> +in my poor little eggs than in any other +bird's!" "That may be," replied the Serpent, +"but I must live <i>somehow</i>!"</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"No outsiders there—only just their own +particular set!" said the Cocksparrow, when +he came home after having been to tea with +the Birds of Paradise.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>The Elephant was dying of starvation, and +a kind-hearted person presented him with an +acidulated drop.</p> + +<p class="p4"> +<i>Note.</i>—It is well-nigh incredible that any Philosopher should be +so ignorant of Natural History as to imagine that any Elephant would +accept an acid drop, even if it was on its last legs for want of +nutrition.<br /> +<br /> +The conclusion of this anecdote would seem to be either lost, or +unfit for publication.—H. B. J.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>There was once a famous Violinist who serenaded +his Mistress every evening, performing +the most divine melodies upon his instrument.</p> + +<p>But all the while she was straining her ears +to listen to a piano-organ round the corner +which was playing "Good-bye, Dolly Gray!"<span class="pagenum">[124]</span></p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>The Performing Lioness kisses her Trainer +on the mouth—but only in public.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>The Candle complained bitterly of the unpleasantness +of seeing so many scorched moths +in her vicinity.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"I have taken such a fancy to thee," said +the Hawk genially to the Field-Mouse, "that +I am going to put thee into a really good +thing."</p> + +<p>And he opened his beak.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>There are persons who have no sense of the +fitness of things.</p> + +<p>Like the Grasshopper, who insisted on putting +the Snail up for the Skipping Club.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>The Cat scratched the Dog's nose out of +sheer playfulness—but she had no time to +explain.<span class="pagenum">[125]</span></p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"After all, it <i>is</i> pleasant to be at home +again!" said the Eagle's feathers on the shaft +that pierced him.</p> + +<p>But the Eagle's reply is not recorded.</p> + +<p class="p4"> +<i>Note.</i>—Poet Byron also mentions this incident.—H.B.J.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>A certain Painter set himself to depict a +lovely landscape. "See!" he cried, as he +exhibited his canvas to a Passing Stranger, +"doth not this my picture resemble the scene +with exactitude?"</p> + +<p>"Since thou desirest to know," was the +reply, "thou seemest to me to have portrayed +nothing but a manure heap!"</p> + +<p>"And am <i>I</i> to blame," exclaimed the indignant +Painter, "if a manure heap chanced +to be immediately in front of me?"</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>Before a Man marrieth a Woman he delighteth +to describe unto her all his doings—even +the most unimportant.</p> + +<p>But, after marriage, he considereth that such +talk may savour too much of egotism.<span class="pagenum">[126]</span></p> + +<p class="p4"> +<i>Note.</i>-This is very very shallow. I have never experienced any such +compunctiousness with my own wives.—H. B. J.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"I shouldn't have minded so much," said the +Bee, with some bitterness, just before breathing +his last in the honey-pot, "only it happens +to be my own make!"</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"Is the White Rabbit beautiful?" someone +inquired of the Albino Rat.</p> + +<p>"She might be passable enough," replied +the Rat, "but for one most distressing deformity. +She has pink eyes!"</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>When the Ass was asked about his Cousin +the Zebra, he said: "Do not speak about him—for +he has disgraced us all. Never before +has there been any eccentricity in <i>our</i> family!"</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>The full-blown Sausage professeth to have +forgotten the days of his puppyhood.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"<i>Will</i> you allow me to pass?" said the +courteous Garden Roller to the Snail.<span class="pagenum">[127]</span></p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>Had anyone met the Red Herring in the +sea and foretold that he would one day be +pursued by Hounds across a difficult country, +the Herring would have accounted him but a +vain babbler.</p> + +<p>Yet so it fell out!</p> + +<p class="p4"> +<i>Note.</i>—I shrewdly suspect that my young friend has made the rather +natural mistake of substituting the word "Red Herring" for "Flying +Fish."<br /> +<br /> +It is not absolutely incredible that one of the latter department +should fly inland and be chased by Dogs—but even Piljosh should be +aware that no Herring could pop off in such a way.—H. B. J.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>An Officious Busybody, perceiving a Phœnix +well alight, promptly extinguished her by means +of a convenient watering-pot.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"Had you refrained from this uncalled for +interference," said the justly irate Bird, "I +should by this time be rising gloriously from +my ashes—instead of presenting the ridiculous +appearance of a partially roasted Fowl!"</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum">[128]</span></p> +<p class="p4"> +<i>Note.</i>—I can offer no explanation of this allegory, except to<br /> +remind the reader that the Phœnix is the notorious symbol for a<br /> +fire insurance.—H. B. J.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"Alas!" sighed the Learned Pig, while expiring +from inflammation of the brain, brought +on by a laborious endeavour to ascertain the +sum of two and two, "Why, <i>why</i> was I cursed +with Intellect?"</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"I shall know better another time!" gasped +the Fish, as he lay in the Landing-net.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>A certain Merchant sold a child a sharp +sword. "Thou hast done wrong in this," +remonstrated a Sage, "since the child will +assuredly wound either himself or some other."</p> + +<p>"<i>I</i> shall not be responsible," cried the +Merchant, "for, in selling the sword, I did +recommend the child to protect the point with +a cork!"</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>A certain grain of Millet fell out of a sack +in which it was being carried into the City, +and was soon trampled in the dust.</p> + +<p>"I am lost!" cried the Millet-seed. "Yet<span class="pagenum">[129]</span> +I do not repine so much for myself as for +those countless multitudes who, deprived of +me, are now doomed to perish miserably of +starvation!"</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"I have given up dancing," said the Tongs, +"for they no longer dance with the Elegance +and Grace that were universal in <i>my</i> young +days!"</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"But for the Mercy of Providence," said +the Fox, piously, to the Goose whom he found +in a trap that had been set for himself, "our +respective situations might now be reversed!"</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"She really sang quite nicely," remarked +the Cuckoo, after she had been to hear the +Nightingale one evening, "but it's a pity +her range is so sadly limited!"</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>The Mendicant insisted on making his Will:<span class="pagenum">[130]</span></p> + +<p>"But what hast <i>thou</i> to leave when thou +diest?" cried the Scribe.</p> + +<p>"As much as the richest," he replied; "for +when I die, I leave the entire World!"</p> + +<p class="p4"> +<i>Note.</i>—This is (if not incorrectly translated) a grotesque and +puerile allegation. The veriest tyro is aware that when a +Millionaire hops the twig of his existence, he leaves more behind +him than a mere Mendicant!—H. B. J.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"Forgive me," said the Toad to the +Swallow, "but, although you may not be +aware of it, you are flying on totally false +principles!"</p> + +<p>"Am I?" said the Swallow meekly. "I'm +so sorry! Do you mind showing me how <i>you</i> +do it?"</p> + +<p>"I don't fly myself," said the Toad, with an +air of superiority. "I've other things to do—but +I have thoroughly mastered the theory of +the Art."</p> + +<p>"Then teach <i>me</i> the theory!" said the +Swallow.</p> + +<p>"Willingly," said the Toad; "my fee—to +<i>you</i>—will be two worms a lesson."<span class="pagenum">[131]</span></p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"I can't bear to think that no one will weep +for me when I am gone!" said the sentimental +Fly, as he flew into the eye of a Moneylender.</p> + +<p class="p4"> +<i>Note.—Cf.</i> Poet Byron: "'Tis sweet to know there is an eye will +mark Our coming, and look brighter when we come!"—H. B. J.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>A certain Cockatrice, feeling sociably inclined, +entered a Mother's Meeting, bent upon +making himself agreeable—but was greatly +mortified to find himself but coldly received.</p> + +<p>"Women <i>are</i> so particular about trifles!" +he reflected bitterly. "I know I said 'Good +Afternoon' with my mouth full—but, as I +explained, I had just been lunching at the +Infant School!"</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"I want to be <i>useful!</i>" said the Silkworm, +as she sat down and "set" a sock for a +Decayed Centipede.<span class="pagenum">[132]</span></p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>A Traveller demanded hospitality from +fourteen Kurds, who were occupying one +small tent.</p> + +<p>"Enter freely," said the Kurds, "but we +must warn thee that thou wilt find the atmosphere +exceedingly unpleasant—for, by some +inadvertence, we have greased our boots from +a jar of Attar of Roses!"</p> + +<p class="p4"> +<i>Note.</i>—Once more I do not entirely fathom the Fabulist's +meaning—unless it is that such a valuable cosmetic as Attar of +Roses may become so deteriorated as to offend even the nostril organ +of a Kurd.—H. B. J.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>A certain Basilisk having attained great +success in petrifying all who came under his +personal observation, there was a Scheme set +afoot to present him with some Token of +popular esteem and regard.</p> + +<p>"If we give him <i>anything</i>" said the Fox, +who was consulted as to the form of the +proposed Testimonial, "I would suggest that +it should take the shape of a pair of Smoked +Spectacles."<span class="pagenum">[133]</span></p> + +<p class="p4"> +<i>Note.</i>—The Satire here, at least, is obvious enough. Smoked +spectacles are a very inexpensive gift.—H. B. J.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"How truly the Poet sang that: 'we may +rise on stepping-stones of our dead selves to +higher things!'" remarked the Chicken's Merrythought, +when it found itself apotheosised into +a Penwiper.</p> + +<p class="p4"> +<i>Note.</i>—A young lady, that shall be nameless, once presented me +with a very similar penwipe, which represented a Church of England +ecclesiastic in surplice and mortar-cap.—H. B. J.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"I shall not have perished in vain!" gasped +an altruistic Cockroach, immediately before +expiring from an overdose of Insect Powder, +"for, after this fatality, the Owners of the +House will doubtless be more careful how they +leave such stuff about!"</p> + +<p class="p4"> +<i>Note.</i>—British Cockroaches, however, resemble Emperor Mithridates +<span class="pagenum">[134]</span> +in being totally impervious to beetle poison.—H. B. J.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>The Sheep was so exceedingly tough and +old, that the Wolf had thoughts of becoming a +Vegetarian.</p> + +<p class="p4"> +<i>Note.</i>—When we see some person attaining Centenarian longevity, we +are foolishly inclined to fancy that, by adopting their diet, we +also are to become Methusalems!—H. B. J.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>A certain Ant that had lost its All owing to +the sudden collapse of the Bank in which its +savings were invested, applied to a Grasshopper +for a small temporary advance.</p> + +<p>"I am sorry, dear boy," chirpily replied the +Grasshopper, "that, although I am playing to +big business every evening, I have not put by +a single grain. However, I will get up a +<i>matinée</i> for your benefit."</p> + +<p>This he did with such success that, next +winter, the Ant was once more sufficiently +prosperous to discharge his obligation by +offering the Grasshopper a letter to the +Charity Organisation Society!</p> + +<p class="p4"> +<i>Note.</i>—The application of this is that a kind action is never +<span class="pagenum">[135]</span> +really thrown away.—H. B. J.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"I never feel quite myself till I've had a +good bath!" said the Bird whom an elderly +Lady had purchased from a Street Boy as a +Goldfinch.</p> + +<p>And behold, when the Bird came out of its +saucer of water, it was a Sparrow!</p> + +<p class="p4"> +<i>Note.</i>—Like many Philosophers, Piljosh would seem to have had no +great liking for ablutions. But water which could transform a +Goldfinch into a Sparrow must previously have been enchanted by some +Magician, so that our Parabolist's shaft misses fire in this +instance (as indeed in many others!). Possibly, however, his +Translator has once more proved a Traitor!—H. B. J.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"Pride not yourself upon your Lustre and +Symmetry," said the Jet Ear-ring austerely to +the Pearl, "for, after all, you owe your beauty +to nothing but the morbid secretions of a +Diseased Oyster!"</p> + +<p>"I am sorry to spoil your moral," retorted +the Pearl with much suavity, "but, like yourself, +I happen to be Artificial."</p> + +<p class="p4"> +<i>Note.</i>—Inhabitants of glassy mansions should not indulge in +<span class="pagenum">[136]</span> +lapidation.—H. B. J.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>"Come!" said the Peacock's Feather proudly +to the Fly-flapper and the Tin Squeaker, as +the final illumination flickered out and they lay +in the gutter together, limp and exhausted +with their exertions in tickling and generally +exasperating inoffensive strangers. "They +may say what they please—but at least we +have shown them that the Spirit of Patriotism +is not yet extinct!"</p> + +<p class="p4"> +<i>Note.</i>—This must refer to some Cryptic customs prevalent in the +Parabolist's time. But I do not clearly apprehend what connection +either tickling, fly-flapping, or squeaking can have with +Patriotism!—H. B. J.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p class="h4"><span class="smcap">Last Words</span></p> + +<p>Here conclude the Parables of Piljosh, +together with the present volume. That the +former can possibly obtain honble mention +when compared with the apologues of Plato, +Æsop, Corderius Nepos, or even Confucius, +I cannot for a moment anticipate, and none +can be more sensible than my humble self<span class="pagenum">[137]</span> +how very poor a figure they cut in proximity +to the production of my own pen!</p> + +<p>However, indulgent critics will please not +saddle my unoffending head with the responsibility, +the fact being that I was vehemently +advised that, without some meretricious padding +of this sort, my Romance would not be +of sufficient robustness to produce a boom.</p> + +<p>But should "A Bayard from Bengal" unfortunately +fail to render the Thames combustible, +I should rather attribute the cause +to its having been unwisely diluted with such +milk and watery material as the Parables of +Piljosh.</p> + +<p>So, leaving the decision to the impartial +and unanimous verdict of popular approval, I +subscribe myself,</p> + +<p class="h4">The Reader's very obsequious and palpitating Servant, +<br /> +<span class="smcap">Hurry Bungsho Jabberjee, B.A., etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.</span></p> + +<p class="spacer"> </p> + +<p class="h6">PRINTED BY<br /> +TURNBULL AND SPEARS,<br /> +EDINBURGH</p> + +<hr class="chapter" /> + +<h2>Author's Notes on Illustrations:</h2> + +<p class="h4">AUTHOR'S NOTE ON ILLUSTRATION No. I.</p> + +<p>(<i>Frontispiece</i>).</p> + +<p>Had Mr Bernadhur Pahtridhji taken the very ordinary +precaution to consult myself upon the etiquettes proscribed +by smart society, I should infallibly have saved +him from so shocking an exhibition of his ignorance.</p> + +<p>As it is, I can only say that of course a highly cultivated +Indian gentleman like Mr Bhosh would not dream of presenting +himself at any upper-class entertainment—even +a Baronet's—in so free and easy a garbage as a smoker's +jacket. Were he to be guilty of such want of <i>savoir faire</i> +he would inevitably incur some penalty kick or other.</p> + +<p>Moreover, at these functions the hired musicians are +never compelled to remove their shoes and stockings.</p> + +<p>Another correction I hazard with rather less confidence, +as I am unable at this moment to consult any authorised +work on ducal head coverings. But I am practically +certain that all the duchesses whom I have had the +privilege to encounter at fashionable <i>soirées</i> wore +coronets surmounted with golden balls, and of an +altogether different pattern from the very humdrum +concern which Mr Pahtridhji has thought proper to +represent on the Duchess of Dickinson's cranium.</p> + +<p>I fear I must again ask the critic's kind indulgence for +an illustrator who has only too obviously never figured as +the hailfellow well-met in aristocratic London saloons.</p> + +<p>H. B. J.</p> + +<p class="h4">AUTHOR'S NOTE ON ILLUSTRATION No. II.</p> + +<p>As I feared, a tolerably keen eye will detect, almost at a +glance, that my young native illustrator—though undeniably +gifted—has little or no personal acquaintance with +the English surroundings he so rashly professes to depict.</p> + +<p>Very curiously, he has succeeded just where I should +have expected him to fail, and <i>vice versâ</i>!</p> + +<p>For the students are quite correctly represented in their +collegiate caps and robes, whereas the police-officer is +furnished with far too excessive a superfluity of weapons, +nor do policemen in England, to my knowledge, wear +plumes in their helmets, or chest-protectors embroidered +with the initials E.R.</p> + +<p>But it is in the presentment of the irate cow that Mr +Pahtridhji displays the most inexcusable ignorance. The +merest tyro could have informed him that animals of this +Brahminical type are very unfamiliar objects in Anglo-Saxon +landscapes!</p> + +<p>H. B. J.</p> + +<p class="h4">AUTHOR'S NOTE ON ILLUSTRATION No. III.</p> + +<p>If a story is to be judged by the style in which it is +illustrated then truly will all professional Fox-chasers after +beholding this picture jump to the conclusion that the +Author has foolishly undertaken to write upon topics +concerning which he is the total ignoramus!</p> + +<p>But if such captious critics will only do me the ordinary +justice to refer to the printed text they will find that I +am not responsible for such a childish blunder as representing +that any English Sportingman would run a +fox to the earth mounted upon a camel.</p> + +<p>Nor am I to blame because Mr Pahtridhji, with +characteristic native conceit, has chosen to depict a +purely British episode as taking place in scenery of an +Oriental character.</p> + +<p>However, to give the devil his due, my illustrator has +drawn other parts of the picture—especially the attitude +of Mr Bhosh—with considerable spirit and fidelity to the +Author's conceptions.</p> + +<p>H. B. J.</p> + +<p class="h4">AUTHOR'S NOTE ON ILLUSTRATION No. IV.</p> + +<p>The duelling incident has already been found fault with +by certain superficial criticasters, on the alleged ground +of its improbability at so modern a period as the present.</p> + +<p>I will only reply that I am not addicted to describing—even +in fiction—manners and customs of which I have +had no personal experience, and also drop a hint that +some such duel may <i>actually have taken place</i> in London +not so many years ago (though, of course, under a rose +without the presence of any reporter), and that a native +gentleman, who shall be nameless, may possibly have +figured as hero on that occasion.</p> + +<p>I have not many remarks to offer on this illustration, +which is sufficiently true to Nature to pass muster.</p> + +<p>Monkeys are not usually permitted to be present at +these encounters, but it is quite credible that the one in +the picture was a particular pet of Duchess Dickinson's +and therefore the chartered libertine.</p> + +<p>Only I am strongly of opinion that she would have +ordered him off the line of fire, for fear that he might +receive his quietus from some stray bullet.</p> + +<p>Mr Bodgers ought not to have been drawn in a sun-helmet. +He wore, of course, the more ceremonious covering +of chimney-pot pattern. But poor Mr Pahtridhji +could not perhaps be expected to know this!</p> + +<p>H. B. J.</p> + +<p class="h4">AUTHOR'S NOTE ON ILLUSTRATION No. V.</p> + +<p>Once more I stand agog before the overweaned self-confidence +with which Mr Pahtridhji sets out to depict +scenes and episodes requiring the most exhaustive +familiarity with West End London habits, if the artist +is to escape the <i>risum teneatis</i> of a shocking fiasco!</p> + +<p>There is scarcely any <i>habitué</i> of Hyde Park who +could not point the finger of scorn at some howling +piece of inaccuracy in this <i>soi-disant</i> representation of +Mr Bhosh on his cantankerous gifthorse.</p> + +<p>The figure of the hero himself is passably correct, +though I may hint to Mr P. that no rider in Rotten +Row who belongs to the <i>bon ton</i> would wear golden +tassels attached to his riding topboots.</p> + +<p>But how am I to excuse such a Leviathan <i>lapsus +linguæ</i> as the figure of the equestrian mounted upon a +cow? It is true that Honble Hampden was so upset +at having to pay sheep-money that he rode a cow, but +not all his social influence could launch so stagnant a +quadruped as a successful competitor with the swifter +and more spirited horse, and consequently it has long +been disused as the beast of pleasure, even by riders of +the funkiest temperaments.</p> + +<p>And, as before, Mr Pahtridhji has represented (only with +far far less plausibility) a monkey as occupying a prominent +situation on the scene of action. I can only conjecture +that he is under the impression that ladies in the social +position of Princess Jones take horse exercise accompanied +by such Simian favourites! Readers, of course, +will not hold the writer responsible for these grotesque +absurdities, but the pity of it that an ambitious young +Native draughtsman should be employed to make a +fool of himself in this public manner! I will not insinuate +that Misters Publishers are guided by <i>economical</i> +motives.</p> + +<p>H. B. J.</p> + +<p class="h4">AUTHOR'S NOTE ON ILLUSTRATION No. VI</p> + +<p>I cannot refrain once more from natural annoyance at +the excessively careless fashion in which my conceptions +are being realised by this Mr Birnadhur Pahtridhji.</p> + +<p>Surely, if he was ignorant of the costume of so exalted +a pundit as the British Astrologer Royal, he could at +least have taken the trouble to cram up the uniform in +some work of reference at a Public Library!</p> + +<p>In any case a little reflection would have shown even +Mr Pahtridhji that such a dignitary could not be +correctly represented in a turban.</p> + +<p>Most probably on so special an occasion he would +have assumed his full-dress extinguisher cap adorned +with Zodiacal emblems.</p> + +<p>Such inaccuracies would perhaps be of mediocre importance +if they occurred in the illustrations to a work +of ordinary fiction. But in the present case of a novel +which depends chiefly on its scathingly realistic exposures +of London High Life, it is much to be deplored +that some more observant and experienced artist could +not have been selected.</p> + +<p>I would respectfully remind my honble friends the +Publishers that many a stately vessel has become a total +loss owing to ill-judged parsimony in the tar department!</p> + +<p>And I humbly recommend them (if not too late) to +adopt Spartan measures, by instantaneously throwing +Mr Pahtridhji overboard, and handing the job over to +the President of the Royal Academy of Arts, who from +his tip-top position would be most likely to execute same +in a competent manner and to the general satisfaction +of the Public.</p> + +<p>H. B. J.</p> + +<p class="h4">AUTHOR'S NOTE ON ILLUSTRATION No. VII.</p> + +<p>I earnestly implore my benevolent publishers to suppress +at all events <i>this</i> illustration—as much for the sake +of Mr Birnadhur Pahtridhji (who, if it appears, will be the +jesting-stock of every cultivated young Indian with any +acquaintance at all with English life) as on my own poor +account.</p> + +<p>I ask anyone endowed with common sense—<i>could</i> there +be a more preposterously grotesque misrepresentation +than this of such a well-known scene as the annual +pilgrimage to the Derby Race?</p> + +<p>It is true that I wrote "every description of conveyance"—but +how was I, being "Davus non Œdipus," to +anticipate that Mr Pahtridhji would interpret the phrase +as including such nondescript vehicles as a hansom cab +propelled by a bullock, and a kind of <i>palkee</i> borne by +two members of the flunkey caste?</p> + +<p>He further displays his colossal ignorance by the +introduction of a snake charmer—a character who, +even assuming that he ever made his <i>début</i> on a +London roadway, would be speedily run in, with all +his serpents, for obstructing traffic.</p> + +<p>Moreover, where is his authority for representing an +adjutant bird as an ordinary London fowl?</p> + +<p>Time and patience fail me to indicate the countless +and howling croppers which Mr Pahtridhji has achieved +in the space of this single picture.</p> + +<p>But I say once more: unless it is possible to provide +a novel of this calibre with congenial and appropriate +drawings by an artist who is acquainted with what is +what, it is infinitely preferable to dispense with illustrations +altogether than to disfigure such a work with +mediocre and puerile pictures!</p> + +<p>H. B. J.</p> + +<p class="h4">AUTHOR'S NOTE ON ILLUSTRATION No. VIII.</p> + +<p>After having been compelled to pluck so many crows +with Mr Pahtridhji, I would gladly (if I could) commend +his final attempt without reserve.</p> + +<p>And I cheerfully allow that he has rather cleverly +succeeded in delineating both the modest elation of +Mr Bhosh and the paternal benevolence on the judicial +physiognomy.</p> + +<p>But heigho! <i>surgit amari aliquid</i>—and Mr Pahtridhji, +of course, was fated to insert the cloven hoof of inaccuracy +into <i>some</i> portion of what might otherwise have been a +passably correct presentment of a very simple episode!</p> + +<p>Surely, surely even a native artist might have known +that the judge who decides such an open air affair as the +Derby race does not assume his wig and gown for the +purpose, nor is he, necessarily, even a member of the +legal profession! Moreover, if such a judge indulges in +tobacco in any form (as to which I express no opinion), +then indubitably he would not employ a pipe of a pattern +which only an Oriental could puff without experiencing +severe internal disturbances.</p> + +<p>I am confoundedly sorry now that I did not take the precaution +of supplying my illustrator with a few photographs +of ordinary English characters, as I actually proposed to +do, only unfortunately my aforesaid young English friend +earnestly assured me that Mr P. would be as right as rain, +provided that I left him a free hand.</p> + +<p>And these are the free-hand drawings which have +resulted!</p> + +<p>All I can say is, that if my Publishers persist in including +them in the volume, they must be prepared to take +the consequences. Should this novel fail to secure the +brilliant ovation which I anticipate for it, don't blame +<i>me</i>, Misters!</p> + +<p>H. B. J.</p> + +</div> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's A Bayard From Bengal, by Hurry Bungsho Jabberjee + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A BAYARD FROM BENGAL *** + +***** This file should be named 36703-h.htm or 36703-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/6/7/0/36703/ + +Produced by Chris Curnow, Matthew Wheaton and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Bayard From Bengal + Being some account of the Magnificent and Spanking Career + of Chunder Bindabun Bhosh,... + +Author: Hurry Bungsho Jabberjee + +Editor: F. Anstey + +Illustrator: Bernard Partridge + +Release Date: July 11, 2011 [EBook #36703] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A BAYARD FROM BENGAL *** + + + + +Produced by Chris Curnow, Matthew Wheaton and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + + + + + + + + +A BAYARD FROM BENGAL + + + [Illustration: EXHORTED HER, WITH AN ELOQUENCE THAT MOVED ALL + PRESENT, TO ABANDON HER FRIVOLITIES AND LEVITIES (Frontispiece)] + + + A BAYARD FROM BENGAL + + BEING SOME ACCOUNT OF THE MAGNIFICENT AND SPANKING CAREER OF + CHUNDER BINDABUN BHOSH, ESQ., B.A., CAMBRIDGE, BY HURRY + BUNGSHO JABBERJEE, B.A., CALCUTTA UNIVERSITY, AUTHOR OF + "JOTTINGS AND TITTLINGS," ETC., ETC., TO WHICH IS APPENDED THE + PARABLES AND PROVERBS OF PILJOSH, FREELY TRANSLATED FROM THE + ORIGINAL STYPTIC BY ANOTHER HAND, WITH INTRODUCTION, NOTES AND + APPENDIX BY THE ABOVE HURRY BUNGSHO JABBERJEE, B.A. + + THE WHOLE EDITED AND REVISED + BY + F. ANSTEY + AUTHOR OF "VICE VERSA," ETC. ETC. + + WITH EIGHT ILLUSTRATIONS BY BERNARD PARTRIDGE + + METHUEN & CO. + 36 ESSEX STREET, W.C. + LONDON + 1902 + + + _Reprinted from_ "PUNCH" + + + + + CONTENTS + + + CHAP. + + I. FROM CALCUTTA TO CAMBRIDGE OVERSEA ROUTE + + II. HOW MR BHOSH DELIVERED A DAMSEL FROM A DEMENTED COW + + III. THE INVOLUNTARY FASCINATOR + + IV. A KICK FROM A FRIENDLY FOOt + + V. THE DUEL TO THE DEATH + + VI. LORD JOLLY IS SATISFIED + + VII. THE ADVENTURE OF THE UNWIELDY GIFTHORSE + + VIII. A RIGHTABOUT FACER FOR MR BHOSH + + IX. THE DARK HORSE + + X. TRUST HER NOT! SHE IS FOOLING THEE! + + XI. STONE WALLS DO NOT MAKE A CAGE + + XII. A RACE AGAINST TIME + + XIII. A SENSATIONAL DERBY STRUGGLE + + XIV. A GRAND FINISH + + * * * * * + + THE PARABLES OF PILJOSH + + + + +PRELIMINARY + + +I have the honour humbly to inform my readers that, after prolonged +consumption of midnight oil, I succeeded in completing this imposing +society novel, which is now, by the indulgence of my friends and kind +fathers, the honble publishers, laid at their feet. + +My inducement to this enterprise was the spectacle of very inferior +rubbish palmed off by so-called popular novelists such as Honbles +Kipling, Joshua Barrie, Antony Weyman, Stanley Hope, and the +collaborative but feminine authoresses of "The Red Thumb in the +Pottage," all of whom profess (very, very incorrectly) to give accurate +reliable descriptions of Indian, English or Scotch episodes. + +The pity of it, that a magnificent and gullible British Public should be +suckled like a babe on such spoonmeat and small beer! + +Would no one arise, inflamed by the pure enthusiasm of his _cacoethes +scribendi_, and write a romance which shall secure the plerophory of +British, American, Anglo-Indian, Colonial, and Continental readers by +dint of its imaginary power and slavish fidelity to Nature? + +And since Echo answered that no one replied to this invitation, I (like +a fool, as some will say) rushed in where angels were apprehensive of +being too bulky to be borne. + +Being naturally acquainted with gentlemen of my own nationality and +education, and also, of course, knowing London and suburban society _ab +ovo usque ad mala_ (or, from the new-laid egg to the stage when it is +beginning to go bad), I decided to take as my theme the adventures of a +typically splendid representative of Young India on British soil, and I +am in earnest hopes to avoid the shocking solecisms and exaggerations +indulged in by ordinary English novelists. + +I have been compelled to take to penmanship of this sort owing to +pressure of _res angusta domi_, the immoderate increase of hostages +to fortune, and proportionate falling off of emoluments from my +profession as Barrister-at-Law. + +Therefore, I hope that all concerned will smile favourably upon my new +departure, and will please kindly understand that, if my English +literary style has suffered any deterioration, it is solely due to my +being out of practice, and such spots on the sun must be excused as mere +flies in ointment. + +After forming my resolution of writing a large novel, I confided it to +my crony, Mr Ram Ashootosh Lall, who warmly recommended me to persevere +in such a _magnum opus_. So I became divinely inflated periodically +every evening from 8 to 12 P.M., disregarding all entreaties from +feminine relatives to stop and indulge in a blow-out on ordinary +eatables, like Archimedes when Troy was captured, who was so engrossed +in writing prepositions on the sand that he was totally unaware that he +was being barbarously slaughtered. + +And at length my colossal effusion was completed, and I had written +myself out; after which I had the indescribable joy and felicity to read +my composition to my mothers-in-law and wives and their respective +progenies and offspring, whereupon, although they were not acquainted +with a word of English, they were overcome by such severe admiration for +my fecundity and native eloquence that they swooned with rapture. + +I am not a superstitious, but I took the trouble to consult a +soothsayer, as to the probable fortunes of my undertaking, and he at +once confidently predicted that my novel was to render all readers dumb +as fishes with sheer amazement and prove a very fine feather in my cap. + +For all the above reasons, I am modestly confident that it will be +generally recognised as a masterpiece, especially when it is remembered +that it is the work of a native Indian, whose 'prentice hand is still a +novice in wielding the _currente calamo_ of fiction. + +I cannot conclude without some allusion to the drawings which are, I +believe, to adorn my work, but which I have not yet been enabled to +inspect, owing to the fact that, having fish of more importance to fry +at the time, I commissioned a certain young English friend (the same who +furnished sundry poetic headings for chapters) to engage a designer for +the pictorial department. + +Needless to say, I intended that he was to award the apple only to some +Royal Academician of distinguished talents--yet at the eleventh hour, +when too late to make other arrangements, I am informed that the job has +been entrusted to a certain Birnadhur Pahtridhji, whose name (though +probably incorrectly transcribed) certainly denotes a draughtsman of +native Indian origin! + +Whether he is fully competent for such a task I cannot at present say. +But, unless he is qualified, like myself, by actual residence in Great +Britain, I fear that he may not possess sufficient familiarity with the +customs and solecisms of English society to avoid at least a few +ludicrous and even lamentable mistakes. + +To guard against such contingencies I shall insert a note or comment +opposite each picture as it is submitted to me, pointing out in what +respects (if any) the artist has failed to represent the author's +intentions. + +I sincerely hope that I may now and then be able to pat the aforesaid Mr +P. on the back instead of acting as a Rhadamanthus to rap his knuckles. + + + + +CHAPTER I + +FROM CALCUTTA TO CAMBRIDGE OVERSEA ROUTE + + At sea the stoutest stomach jerks, + Far, far away from native soil, + When Ocean's heaving waterworks + Burst out in Brobdingnagian boil! + + _Stanza written at Sea, by H. B. J. (unpublished)._ + + +The waves of Neptune erected their seething and angry crests to +incredible altitudes; overhead in fuliginous storm-clouds the thunder +rumbled its terrific bellows, and from time to time the ghastly flare of +lightning illuminated the entire neighbourhood. The tempest howled like +a lost dog through the cordage of the good ship _Rohilkund_ (Captain O. +Williams), which lurched through the vasty deep as though overtaken by +the drop too much. + +At one moment her poop was pointed towards celestial regions; at another +it aimed itself at the recesses of Davey Jones's locker; and such was +the fury of the gale that only a paucity of the ship's passengers +remained perpendicular, and Mr Chunder Bindabun Bhosh was recumbent on +his beam end, prostrated by severe sickishness, and hourly expecting to +become initiated in the Great Secret. + +Bitterly did he lament his hard lines in venturing upon the Black Water, +to be snipped off in the flower of his adolescence, and never again to +behold the beloved visages of his relations! + +So heartrending were his tears and groans that they moved all on board, +and Honble Mr Commissioner Copsey, who was returning on leave, kindly +came to inquire the cause of such vociferous lachrymation. + +"What is the matter, Baboo?" began the Commissioner in paternal tones. +"Why are you kicking up the shindy of such a deuce's own hullabaloo?" + +"Because, honble Sir," responded Mr Bhosh, "I am in lively expectation +that waters will rush in and extinguish my vital spark." + +"Pooh!" said Mr Commissioner, genially. "This is only the moiety of a +gale, and there is not the slightest danger." + +Having received this assurance, Mr Bhosh's natural courage revived, and, +coming up on deck, he braved the tempest with the cool composure of a +cucumber, admonishing all his fellow-passengers that they were not to +give way to panic, seeing that Death was the common lot of all, and, +though everyone must die once, it was an experience that could not be +repeated, with much philosophy of a similar kind which astonished many +who had falsely supposed him to be a pusillanimous. + +The remainder of the voyage was uneventful, and, soon after setting his +feet on British territory, Mr Bhosh became an alumnus and undergraduate +of the _Alma Mater_ of Cambridge. + +I shall not attempt to relate at any great length the history of his +collegiate career, because, being myself a graduate of Calcutta +University, I am not, of course, proficient in the customs and +etiquettes of any rival seminaries, and should probably make one or two +trivial slips which would instantly be pounced upon and held up for +derision by carping critics. + +So I shall content myself with mentioning a few leading facts and +incidents. Mr Bhosh very soon wormed himself into the good graces of his +fellow college boys, and his principal friend and _fidus Achates_ was a +young high-spirited aristocrat entitled Lord Jack Jolly, the only son of +an earl who had lately been promoted to the dignity of a baronetcy. + +Lord Jolly and Mr Bhosh were soon as inseparable as a Daemon and +Pythoness, and, though no nabob to wallow in filthy lucre, Mr Bhosh gave +frequent entertainments to his friends, who were hugely delighted by +the elegance of his hospitality and the garrulity of his conversation. + +Unfortunately the fame of these Barmecide feasts soon penetrated the +ears of the College _gurus_, and Mr Bhosh's _Moolovee_ sent for him and +severely reprimanded him for neglecting to study for his Little-go +degree, and squandering his immense abilities and talents on mere +guzzling. + +Whereupon Mr Bhosh shed tears of contrition, embracing the feet of his +senile tutor, and promising that, if only he was restored to favour he +would become more diligent in future. + +And honourably did he fulfil this _nudum pactum_, for he became a most +exemplary bookworm, burning his midnight candle at both ends in the +endeavour to cram his mind with _belles lettres_. + +But he was assailed by a temptation which I cannot forbear to chronicle. +One evening as he was poring over his learned tomes, who should arrive +but a deputation of prominent Cambridge boatmen and athletics, to +entreat him to accept a stroke oar of the University eight in the +forthcoming race with Oxford College! + +This, as all aquatics will agree, was no small compliment--particularly +to one who was so totally unversed in wielding the flashing oar. But the +authorities had beheld him propelling a punt boat with marvellous +dexterity by dint of a paddle, and, taking the length of his foot on +that occasion, they had divined a Hercules and ardently desired him as a +confederate. + +Mr Bhosh was profoundly moved: "College misters and friends," he said, +"I welcome this invitation with a joyful and thankful heart, as an +honour--not to this poor self, but to Young India. Nevertheless, I am +compelled by _Dira Necessitas_ to return the polite negative. Gladly I +would help you to inflict crushing defeat upon our presumptuous foe, but +'I see a hand you cannot see that beckons me away; I hear a voice you +cannot hear that wheezes "Not to-day!"' In other words, gentlemen, I am +now actively engaged in the Titanic struggle to floor Little-go. It is +glorious to obtain a victory over Oxonian rivals, but, misters, there is +an enemy it is still more glorious to pulverize, and that enemy +is--one's self!" + +The deputation then withdrew with falling crests, though unable to +refrain from admiring the firmness and fortitude which a mere Native +student had nilled an invitation which to most European youths would +have proved an irresistible attraction. + +Nor did they cherish any resentment against Mr Bhosh, even when, in the +famous inter-collegiate race of that year from Hammersmith to Putney, +Cambridge was ingloriously bumped, and Oxford won in a common canter. + + + + +CHAPTER II + +HOW MR BHOSH DELIVERED A DAMSEL FROM A DEMENTED COW + + O Cow! in hours of mental ease + Thou chewest cuds beneath the trees; + But ah! when madness racks thy brow, + An awkward customer art thou! + + _Nature Poem furnished (to order) by young English Friend._ + + +Mr Bhosh's diligence at his books was rewarded by getting through his +Little-go with such _eclat_ that he was admitted to become a +baccalaureate, and further presented with the greatest distinction the +Vice-Chancellor could bestow upon him, viz., the title of a Wooden +Spoon! + +But here I must not omit to narrate a somewhat startling catastrophe in +which Mr Bhosh figured as the god out of machinery. It was on an +afternoon before he went up to pass his Little-go exam, and, since all +work and no play is apt to render any Jack a dull, he was recreating +himself by a solitary promenade in some fields in the vicinity of +Cambridge, when suddenly his startled ears were dumbfounded to perceive +the blood-curdling sound of loud female vociferations! + +On looking up from his reverie, he was horrified by the spectacle of a +young and beauteous maiden being vehemently pursued by an irate cow, +whose reasoning faculties were too obviously, in the words of Ophelia, +"like sweet bells bangled," or, in other words, _non compos mentis_, and +having rats in her upper story! + +The young lady, possessing the start and also the advantage of superior +juvenility, had the precedence of the cow by several yards, and attained +the umbrageous shelter of a tree stem, behind which she tremulously +awaited the arrival of her blood-thirsty antagonist. + +As he noted her jewel-like eyes, profuse hair, and panting bosom, Mr +Bhosh's triangle of flesh[1] was instantaneously ignited by love at +first sight (the intelligent reader will please understand that the +foregoing refers to the maiden and not at all to the cow, which was of +no excessive pulchritude--but I am not to be responsible for the +ambiguities of the English language). + +[1] _Videlicet_: his heart. + +There was not a moment to be squandered; Mr Bhosh had just time to +recommend her earnestly to remain _in statu quo_, before setting off to +run _ventre a terre_ in the direction whence he had come. The distracted +animal, abandoning the female in distress, immediately commenced to +hue-and-cry after our hero, who was compelled to cast behind him his +collegiate cap, like tub to a whale. + +The savage cow ruthlessly impaled the cap on one of its horns, and then +resumed the chase. + +Mr Bhosh scampered for his full value, but, with all his incredible +activity, he had the misery of feeling his alternate heels scorched by +the fiery snorts of the maniacal quadruped. + +Then he stripped from his shoulders his student's robe, relinquishing it +to the tender mercies of his ruthless persecutress while he nimbly +surmounted a gate. The cow only delayed sufficiently to rend the garment +into innumerable fragments, after which it cleared the gate with a +single hop, and renewed the chase after Mr Bhosh's stern, till he was +forced to discard his ivory-headed umbrella to the animal's destroying +fury. + +This enabled him to gain the walls of the town and reach the bazaar, +where the whole population was in consternation at witnessing such a +shuddering race for life, and made themselves conspicuous by their +absence in back streets. + +Mr Bhosh, however, ran on undauntedly, until, perceiving that the +delirious creature was irrevocably bent on running him to earth, he took +the flying leap into the shop of a cheese merchant, where he cleverly +entrenched himself behind the receipt of custom. + +With the headlong impetuosity of a distraught the cow followed, and +charged the barrier with such insensate fury that her horns and +appertaining head were inextricably imbedded in a large tub of margarine +butter. + +At this our hero, judging that the wings of his formidable foe were at +last clipped, sallied boldly forth, and, summoning a police-officer, +gave the animal into custody as a disturber of the peace. + +By such coolness and _savoir faire_ in a distressing emergency he +acquired great _kudos_ in the eyes of all his fellow-students, who +regarded him as the conquering hero. + +Alas and alack! when he repaired to the field to receive the thanks and +praises of the maiden he had so fortunately delivered, he had the +mortification to discover that she had vanished, and left not a wreck +behind her! Nor with all his endeavours could he so much as learn +her name, condition, or whereabouts, but the remembrance of her manifold +charms rendered him moonstruck with the tender passion, and +notwithstanding his success in flooring the most difficult exams, his +bosom's lord sat tightly on its throne, and was not to jump until he +should again (if ever) confront his mysterious fascinator. + + [Illustration: GAVE THE ANIMAL INTO CUSTODY AS A DISTURBER OF THE + PEACE (Illustration II)] + +Having emerged from the shell of his _statu pupillari_ under the +fostering warmth of his Alma Mater, Mr Bhosh next proceeded as a +full-fledged B.A. to the Metropolis, and became a candidate for forensic +honours at one of the legal temples, lodging under the elegant roof of a +matron who regarded him as her beloved son for Rs. 21 per week, and +attending lectures with such assiduity that he soon acquired a nodding +acquaintance with every branch of jurisprudence. + +And when he went up for Bar Exam., he displayed his phenomenal +proficiency to such an extent that the Lord Chancellor begged him to +accept one of the best seats on the Judges' bench, an honour which, to +the best of this deponent's knowledge and belief, has seldom before been +offered to a raw tyro, and never, certainly, to a young Indian student. +However, with rare modesty Mr Bhosh declined the offer, not considering +himself sufficiently ripe as yet to lay down laws, and also desirous of +gathering roses while he might, and mixing himself in first-class +English societies. + +I am painfully aware that such incidents as the above will seem very +mediocre and humdrum to most readers, but I shall request them to +remember that no hero can achieve anything very striking while he is +still a hobbardehoy, and that I cannot--like some popular +novelists--insult their intelligences by concocting cock-and-bull +occurrences which the smallest exercise of ordinary commonsense must +show to be totally incredible. + +By and bye, when I come to deal with Mr Bhosh's experiences in the upper +tenth of London society, with which I may claim to have rather a +profound familiarity, I will boldly undertake that there shall be no +lack of excitement. + +Therefore, have a little patience, indulgent Misters! + + + + +CHAPTER III + +THE INVOLUNTARY FASCINATOR + + Please do not pester me with unwelcome attentions, + Since to respond I have no intentions! + Your Charms are deserving of honourable mentions-- + But previous attachment compels these abstentions! + + "AN UNWILLING WOOED TO HIS WOOER." + + _Original unpublished Poem by H. B. J._ + + +Mr Bhosh was very soon enabled to make his _debut_ as a pleader, for the +_Mooktears_ sent him briefs as thick as an Autumn leaf in Vallambrosa, +and, having on one occasion to prosecute a youth who had embezzled an +elderly matron, Mr Bhosh's eloquence and pathos melted the jury into a +flood of tears which procured the triumphant acquittal of the prisoner. + +But the bow of Achilles (which, as Poet Homer informs us, was his only +vulnerable point) must be untied occasionally, and accordingly Mr Bhosh +occasionally figured as the gay dog in upper-class societies, and was +not long in winning a reputation in smart circles as a champion bounder. + +For he did greet those he met with a pleasant, obsequious affability and +familiarity, which easily endeared him to all hearts. In his appearance +he would--but for a somewhat mediocre stature and tendency to a +precocious obesity--have strikingly resembled the well-known statuary of +the Apollo Bellevue, and he was in consequence inordinately admired by +aristocratic feminines, who were enthralled by the fluency of his small +talk, and competed desperately for the honour of his company at their +"Afternoon-At-Home-Teas." + +It was at one of these exclusive festivities that he first met the +Duchess Dickinson, and (as we shall see hereafter) that meeting took +place in an evil-ominous hour for our hero. As it happened, the +honourable highborn hostess proposed a certain cardgame known as "Penny +Napkin," and fate decreed that Mr Bhosh should sit contiguous to the +Duchess's Grace, who by lucky speculations was the winner of +incalculable riches. + +But, hoity toity! what were his dismay and horror, when he detected that +by her legerdemain in double-dealing she habitually contrived to assign +herself five pictured cards of leading importance! + +How to act in such an unprecedented dilemma? As a chivalrous, it was +repugnant to him to accuse a Duchess of sharping at cards, and yet at +the same time he could not stake his fortune against such a foregone +conclusion! + +So he very tactfully contrived by engaging the Duchess's attention to +substitute his card-hand for hers, and thus effect the exchange which is +no robbery, and she, finally observing his _finesse_, and struck by the +delicacy with which he had so unostentatiously rebuked her duplicity, +earnestly desired his further acquaintance. + +For a time Mr Bhosh, doubtless obeying one of those supernatural and +presentimental monitions which were undreamt of in the Horatian +philosophy, resisted all her advances--but alas! the hour arrived in +which he became as Simpson with Delilah. + +It was at the very summit of the Season, during a brilliantly +fashionable ball at the Ladbroke Hall, Archer Street, Bayswater, whither +all the _elites_ of tip-top London Society had congregated. + +Mr Bhosh was present, but standing apart, overcome with bashfulness at +the paucity of upper feminine apparel and designing to take his +premature hook, when the beauteous Duchess in passing surreptitiously +flung over him a dainty nose-handkerchief deliciously perfumed with +extract of cherry blossoms. + +With native penetration into feminine coquetries he interpreted this as +an intimation that she desired to dance with him, and, though not +proficient in such exercises, he made one or two revolutions round the +room with her co-operation, after which they retired to an alcove and +ate raspberry ices and drank lemonade. Mr Bhosh's sparkling +tittle-tattle completely achieved the Duchess's conquest, for he +possessed that magical gift of the gab which inspired the tender passion +without any connivance on his own part. + +And, although the Duchess was no longer the chicken, having attained her +thirtieth lustre, she was splendidly well preserved; with huge flashing +eyes like searchlights in a face resembling the full moon; of tall +stature and proportionate plumpness; most young men would have been +puffed out by pride at obtaining such a tip-top admirer. + +Not so our hero, whose manly heart was totally monopolised by the image +of the fair unknown whom he had rescued at Cambridge from the savage +clutches of a horned cow, and although, after receiving from the Duchess +a musk-scented postal card, requesting his company on a certain evening, +he decided to keep the appointed tryst, it was only against his will and +after heaving many sighs. + +On reaching the Duchess's palace, which was situated in Pembridge +Square, Bayswater, he had the mortification to perceive that he was by +no means the only guest, since the reception halls were thickly +populated by gilded worldlings. But the Duchess advanced to greet him in +a very kind, effusive manner, and, intimating that it was impossible to +converse with comfort in such a crowd, she led him to a small side-room, +where she seated him on a couch by her side and invited him to +discourse. + +Mr Bhosh discoursed accordingly, paying her several high-flown +compliments by which she appeared immoderately pleased, and discoursed +in her turn of instinctive sympathies, until our hero was wriggling like +an eel with embarrassment at what she was to say next, and at this point +Duke Dickinson suddenly entered and reminded his spouse in rather abrupt +fashion that she was neglecting her remaining guests. + +After the Duchess's departure, Mr Bhosh, with the feelings of an innate +gentleman, felt constrained to make his sincere apologies to his ducal +entertainer for having so engrossed his better half, frankly explaining +that she had exhibited such a marked preference for his society that he +had been deprived of all option in the matter, further assuring his +dukeship that he by no means reciprocated the lady's sentiments, and +delicately recommending that he was to keep a rather more lynxlike eye +in future upon her proceedings. + +To which the Duke, greatly agitated, replied that he was unspeakably +obliged for the caution, and requested Mr Bhosh to depart at once and +remain an absentee for the future. Which our friend cheerfully undertook +to perform, and, in taking leave of the Duchess, exhorted her, with an +eloquence that moved all present, to abandon her frivolities and +levities and adopt a deportment more becoming to her matronly exterior. + +The reader would naturally imagine that she would have been grateful for +so friendly and well-meant a hint--but oh, dear! it was quite the +reverse, for from a loving friend she was transformed into a bitter and +most unscrupulous enemy, as we shall find in forthcoming chapters. + +Truly it is not possible to fathom the perversities of the feminine +disposition! + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +A KICK FROM A FRIENDLY FOOT + + She is a radiant damsel with features fair and fine; + But since betrothed to Bosom's friend she never can be mine! + + _Original Poem by H. B. J. (unpublished)._ + + +Mr Bhosh's bosom-friend, the Lord Jack Jolly, had kindly undertaken to +officiate as his Palinurus and steer him safely from the Scylla to the +Charybdis of the London Season, and one day Lord Jolly arrived at our +hero's apartments as the bearer of an invite from his honble parent the +Baronet, to partake of tiffin at their ancestral abode in Chepstow +Villas, which Bindabun gratefully accepted. + +Arrived at the Jollies' sumptuous interior, a numerous retinue of +pampered menials and gilded flunkies divested Mr Bhosh of his hat and +umbrella and ushered him into the hall of audience. + +"Bhosh, my dear old pal," said Lord Jack, "I have news for you. I am +engaged as a Benedict, and am shortly to celebrate matrimony with a +young goodlooking female--the Princess Petunia Jones." + +"My lord," replied Mr Bhosh, "suffer me to hang around your patrician +neck the floral garland of my humble congratulations." + +"My dear Bhosh," responded the youthful peer of the realm, "I regard you +as more than a brother, and am confident that when my betrothed beholds +your countenance, she will conceive for you a similar lively affection. +But hush! here she comes to answer for herself.... Princess, permit me +to present to you the best and finest friend I possess, Mr Bindabun +Bhosh." + +Mr Bhosh modestly lowered his optics as he salaamed with inimitable +grace, and it was not until he had resumed his perpendicular that he +recognised in the Princess Jones the charming unknown whom he had last +beheld engaged in repelling the assault of a distracted cow! + +Their eyes were no sooner crossed than he knew that she regarded him as +her deliverer, and was consumed by the most ardent affection for him. +But Mr Bhosh repressed himself with heroic magnanimity, for he reflected +that she was the affianced of his dearest friend and that it was +contrary to _bon ton_ to poach another's jam. + +So he merely said; "How do you do? It is a very fine day. I am delighted +to make your acquaintance," and turning on his heels with a profound +curtsey, he left her flabbergasted with mortification. + +But those only who have compressed their souls in the shoe of +self-sacrifice know how devilishly it pinches, and Mr Bhosh's grief was +so acute that he rolled incessantly on his couch while the radiant image +of his divinity danced tantalisingly before his bloodshot vision. + +Eventually he became calmer, and after plunging his fervid body into a +foot-bath, he showed himself once more in society, assuming an air of +meretricious waggishness to conceal the worm that was busily cankering +his internals, and so successful was he that Lord Jack was entirely +deceived by his _vis comica_, and invited him to spend the Autumn up the +country with his respectable parents. + +Mr Bhosh accepted--but when he knew that Princess Petunia was also to be +one of the _amis de la maison_, he was greatly concerned at the prospect +of infallibly reviving her love by his propinquity, and thereby +inflicting the cup of calamity on his best friend. Willingly would he +have imparted the whole truth to his Lordship and counselled him to +postpone the Princess's visit until he, himself, should have +departed--but, ah me! with all his virtue he was not a Roman Palladium +that he should resist the delight of philandery with the radiant queen +of his soul. So he kept his tongue in his cheek. + +However, when they met in the ancient and rural castle he constrained +himself, in conversing with her, to enlarge enthusiastically upon the +excellences of Lord Jack. "What a good, ripping, gentlemanly fellow he +was, and how certain to make a best quality husband!" Princess Jones +listened to these encomiums with tender sighing, while her soft large +orbs rested on Mr Bhosh with ever-increasing admiration. + +No one noticed how, after these elephantine efforts at self-denial, he +would silently slip away and weep salt and bitter tears as he weltered +dolefully on a doormat; nor was it perceived that the Princess herself +was become thin as a weasel with disappointed love. + +Being the ardent sportsman, Mr Bhosh sought to drown his sorrow with +pleasures of the chase. + +He would sally forth alone, with no other armament than a breechloading +rifle, and endeavour to slay the wild rabbits which infested the +Baronet's domains, and sometimes he had the good fortune to slaughter +one or two. Or he would take a Rod and hooks and a few worms, and +angle for salmons; or else he would stalk partridges, and once he even +assisted in a foxhunt, when he easily outstripped all the dogs and +singly confronted Master Reynard, who had turned to bay savagely at his +nose. But Bindabun undauntedly descended from his horse, and, drawing +his hunting dagger, so dismayed the beast by his determined and +ferocious aspect that it turned its tail and fled into some other part +of the country, which earned him the heartfelt thanks from his fellow +Nimrods. + + [Illustration: DISMAYED THE BEAST BY HIS DETERMINED AND FEROCIOUS + ASPECT (Illustration III)] + +Naturally, such feats of arms as these only served to inflame the ardour +of the Princess, to whom it was a constant wonderment that Mr Bhosh did +never, even in the most roundabout style, allude to the fact that he had +saved her life from perishing miserably on the pointed horn of an +enraged cow. + +She could not understand that the Native temperament is too sheepishly +modest to flaunt its deeds of heroism. + +Those who are _au fait_ in knowledge of the world are aware that when +there are combustibles concealed in any domestic interior, there is +always a person sooner or later who will contrive to blow them off; and +here, too, the Serpent of Mischief was waiting to step in with cloven +hoof and play the very deuce. + +It so happened that the Duchess occupied the adjacent bungalow to that +of Baronet Jolly and his lady, with whom she was hail-fellow-well-met, +and this perfidious female set herself to ensnare the confidence of the +young and innocent Princess by discreetly lauding the praises of Mr +Bhosh. + +"What an admirable Indian Crichton! How many rabbits and salmons had he +laid low that week? Truly, she regarded him as a favourite son, and +marvelled that any youthful feminine could prefer an ordinary peer like +Lord Jolly to a Native paragon who was not only a university B.A., but +had successfully passed Bar Exam!" and so forth and so on. + +The princess readily fell into this insidious booby-trap, and confessed +the violence of her attachment, and how she had striven to acquaint Mr +Bhosh with her sentiments but was rendered inarticulate by maidenly +bashfulness. + +"Can you not then slip a love-letter into his hand?" inquired the +Duchess. + +"_Cui bono?_" responded the Princess, sadly. "Seeing that he never +approaches near enough to me to receive such a missive, and I dare not +entrust it to one of my maidens!" + +"Why not to Me?" said the Duchess. "He will not refuse it coming from +myself; moreover, I have influence over him and will soften his heart +towards thee." + +Accordingly the Princess indicted a rather impassioned love-letter, in +which she assured Mr Bhosh that she had divined his secret passion and +fully reciprocated it, also that she was the total indifferent to Lord +Jack, with much other similar matters. + +Having obtained possession of this _litera scripta_, what does the +unscrupulous Duchess next but deliver it _impromptu_ into the hands of +Lord Jack, who, after perusing it, was overcome by uncontrollable wrath +and instantaneously summoned our hero to his presence. + +Here was the pretty kettle of fish--but I must reserve the sequel for +the next chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER V + +THE DUEL TO THE DEATH + + The ordinary valour only works + At those rare intervals when peril lurks; + There is a courage, scarcer far, and stranger, + Which nothing can intimidate but danger. + + _Original Stanza by H. B. J._ + + +No sooner had Mr Bhosh obeyed the summons of Lord Jack, than the latter +not only violently reproached him for having embezzled the heart of his +chosen bride, but inflicted upon him sundry severe kicks from behind, +barbarously threatening to encore the proceeding unless Chunder +instantaneously agreed to meet him in a mortal combat. + +Our hero, though grievously hurt, did not abandon his presence of mind +in his tight fix. Seating himself upon a divan, so as to obviate any +repetition of such treatment, he thus addressed his former friend: "My +dear Jack, Plato observes that anger is an abbreviated form of insanity. +Do not let us fall out about so mere a trifle, since one friend is the +equivalent of many females. Is it my fault that feminines overwhelm me +with unsought affections? Let us both remember that we are men of the +world, and if you on your side will overlook the fact that I have +unwittingly fascinated your _fiancee_, I, on mine, am ready to forget my +unmerciful kickings." + +But Lord Jolly violently rejected such a give-and-take compromise, and +again declared that if Mr Bhosh declined to fight he was to receive +further kicks. Upon this Chunder demanded time for reflection; he was no +bellicose, but he reasoned thus with his soul: "It is not certain that a +bullet will hit--whereas, it is impossible for a kick to miss its mark." + +So, weeping to find himself between a deep sea and the devil of a +kicking, he accepted the challenge, feeling like Imperial Caesar, when +he found himself compelled to climb up a rubicon after having burnt his +boots! + +Being naturally reluctant to kick his brimming bucket of life while +still a lusty juvenile, Mr Bhosh was occupied in lamenting the +injudiciousness of Providence when he was most unexpectedly relieved by +the entrance of his lady-love, the Princess Jones, who, having heard +that her letter had fallen into Lord Jack's hands, and that a sanguinary +encounter would shortly transpire, had cast off every rag of maidenly +propriety, and sought a clandestine interview. + +She brought Bindabun the gratifying intelligence that she was a _persona +grata_ with his lordship's seconder, Mr Bodgers, who was to load the +deadly weapons, and who, at her request, had promised to do so with +cartridges from which the bullets had previously been bereft. + +Such a piece of good news so enlivened Mr Bhosh, that he immediately +recovered his usual serenity, and astounded all by his perfect +nonchalance. It was arranged that the tragical affair should come off in +the back garden of Baronet Jolly's castle, immediately after breakfast, +in the presence of a few select friends and neighbours, among +whom--needless to say--was Princess Petunia, whose lamp-like optics +beamed encouragement to her Indian champion, and the Duchess of +Dickinson, who was now the freehold tenement of those fiendish Siamese +twins--Malice and Jealousy. At breakfast, Mr Bhosh partook freely of all +the dishes, and rallied his antagonist for declining another fowl-egg, +rather wittily suggesting that he was becoming a chicken-hearted. The +company then adjourned to the garden, and all who were non-combatants +took up positions as far outside the zone of fire as possible. + +Mr Bhosh was rejoiced to receive from the above-mentioned Mr Bodgers a +secret intimation that it was the put-up job, and little piece of +allright, which emboldened him to make the rather spirited proposal to +his lordship, that they were to fire--not at the distance of one hundred +paces, as originally suggested--but across the more restricted space of +a nosekerchief. This dare-devilish proposal occasioned a universal +outcry of horror and admiration; Mr Bhosh's seconder, a young +poor-hearted chap, entreated him to renounce his plan of campaign, while +Lord Jack and Mr Bodgers protested that it was downright tomfolly. + +Chunder, however, remained game to his backbone. "If," he ironically +said, "my honble friend prefers to admit that he is inferior in physical +courage to a native Indian who is commonly accredited with a funky +heart, let him apologise. Otherwise, as a challenged, I am the Master of +the Ceremonies. I do not insist upon the exchange of more than one +shoot--but it is the _sine qua non_ that such shoot is to take place +across a nosewipe." + +Upon which his lordship became green as grass with apprehensiveness, +being unaware that the cartridges had been carefully sterilised, but +glueing his courage to the sticky point, he said, "Be it so, you +blood-thirsty little beggar--and may your gore be on your own knob!" + +"It is always barely possible," retorted Mr Bhosh, "that we may _both_ +miss the target!" And he made a secret motion to Mr Bodgers with his +superior eyeshutter, intimating that he was to remember to omit the +bullets. + +But lackadaisy! as Poet Burns sings, the best-laid schemes both of men +and in the mouse department are liable to gang aft--and so it was in the +present instance, for Duchess Dickinson intercepted Chunder Bindabun's +wink and, with the diabolical intuition of a feminine, divined the +presence of a rather suspicious rat. Accordingly, on the diaphanous +pretext that Mr Bodgers was looking faintish and callow, she insisted on +applying a very large smelling-jar to his nasal organ. + +Whether the vessel was charged with salts of superhuman potency, or some +narcotic drug, I am not to inquire--but the result was that, after a +period of prolonged sternutation, Mr Bodgers became impercipient on a +bed of geraniums. + +Thereupon Chunder, perceiving that he had lost his friend in court, +magnanimously said: "I cannot fight an antagonist who is unprovided with +a seconder, and will wait until Mr Bodgers is recuperated." But the +honourable and diabolical duchess nipped this arrangement in the bud. +"It would be a pity," said she, "that Mr Bhosh's fiery ardour should be +cooled by delay. _I_ am capable to load a firearm, and will act as Lord +Jolly's seconder." + +Our hero took the objection that, as a feminine was not legally +qualified to act as seconder in mortal combats, the duel would be +rendered null and void, and appealed to his own seconder to confirm this +_obiter dictum_. + +Unluckily the latter was a poor beetlehead who was in excessive fear of +offending the Duchess, and gave it as his opinion that sex was no +disqualification, and that the Duchess of Dickinson was fully competent +to load the lethal weapons, provided that she knew how. + +Whereupon she, regarding Mr Bhosh with the malignant simper of a fiend, +did not only deliberately fill each pistol-barrel with a bullet from her +own reticule bag, but also had the additional _diablerie_ to extract a +miniature laced _mouchoir_ exquisitely perfumed with cherry-blossoms, +and to say, "Please fire across this. I am confident that it will bring +you good luck." + +And Mr Bhosh recognised with emotions that baffle description the very +counterpart of the nose-handkerchief which she had flung at him months +previously at the aforesaid fashionable Bayswater Ball! Now was our poor +miserable hero indeed up the tree of embarrassment--and there I must +leave him till the next chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + +LORD JOLLY IS SATISFIED + + Ah, why should two, who once were bosom's friends, + Present at one another pistol ends? + Till one pops off to dwell in Death's Abode-- + All on account of Honour's so-called code! + + _Thoughts on Duelling, by H. B. J._ + + +Many a more hackneyed duellist than our unfortunate friend Bhosh might +well have been frightened from his propriety at the prospect of fighting +with genuine bullets across so undersized a nosekerchief as that which +the Duchess had furnished for the fray. + +But Mr Bhosh preserved his head in perfect coolness: "It is indisputably +true," he said, "that I proposed to shoot across a pocketkerchief--but I +am not an effeminate female that I should employ such a lacelike and +flimsy concern as this! As a challenged, I claim my constitutional +right under Magna Charta to provide my own nosewipe." + +And, as even my Lord Jack admitted that this was legally correct, Mr +Bhosh produced a very large handsome nosekerchief in parti-coloured +silks. + +This he tore into narrow strips, the ends of which he tied together in +such a manner that the whole was elongated to an incredible length. +Then, tossing one extremity to his lordship, and retaining the other in +his own hand, he said: "We will fight, if you please, across this--or +not at all!" + +Which caused a working majority of the company, and even Lord Jack Jolly +himself, to burst into enthusiastic plaudits of the ingenuity and +dexterity with which Mr Bhosh had contrived to extricate himself from +the prongs of his Caudine fork. + +The Duchess, however, was knitting her brows into the baleful pattern of +a scowl--for she knew as well as Chunder Bindabun himself that no human +pistol was capable to achieve such a distance! The duel commenced. +His lordship and Mr Bhosh each removed their upper clothings, bared +their arms, and, taking up a weapon, awaited the momentous command to +fire. + + [Illustration: THE BULLET HAD PERFORATED A LARGE CIRCULAR ORIFICE IN + HONBLE BODGER'S HAT (Illustration IV)] + +It was pronounced, and Lord Jolly's pistol was the first to ring the +ambient welkin with its horrid bang. The deadly missile, whistling as it +went for want of thought, entered the door of a neighbouring pigeon's +house and fluttered the dovecot confoundedly. + +Mr Bhosh reserved his fire for the duration of two or three harrowing +seconds. Then he, too, pulled off his trigger, and after the explosion +there was a loud cry of dismay. + +The bullet had perforated a large circular orifice in Honble Bodger's +hat, who, by this time, had returned to self-consciousness! + +"I could not bring myself to snuff the candle of your honble lordship's +existence," said Mr Bhosh, bowing, "but I wished to convince all present +that I am not incompetent to hit a mark." + +And he proceeded to assure Mr Bodger that he was to receive full +compensation for any moral and intellectual damage done to his said hat. + +As for his lordship, he was so overcome by Mr Bhosh's unprecedented +magnanimity that he shed copious tears, and, warmly embracing his former +friend, entreated his forgiveness, vowing that in future their affection +should never again be endangered by so paltry and trivial a cause as the +ficklety of a feminine. Moreover, he bestowed upon Bindabun the blushing +hand of Princess Jones, and very heartily wished him joy of her. + +Now the Princess was the solitary brat of a very wealthy merchant +prince, Honble Sir Monarch Jones, whose proud and palatial storehouses +were situated in the most fashionable part of Camden Town. + +Sir Jones, in spite of Lord Jack's resignation, did not at first regard +Mr Bhosh with the paternal eye of approval, but rather advanced the +objection that the colour of his money was practically invisible. "My +daughter," he said haughtily, "is to have a lakh of rupees on her +nuptials. Have _you_ a lakh of rupees?" + +Bindabun was tempted to make the rather facetious reply that he had, +indeed, a lack of rupees at the present moment. + +Sir Monarch, however, like too many English gentlemen, was totally +incapable of comprehending the simplest Indian _jeu des mots_, and +merely replied. "Unless you can _show_ me your lakh of rupees, you +cannot become my beloved son-in-law." + +So, as Mr Bhosh was a confirmed impecunious, he departed in severe +despondency. However, fortune favoured him, as always, for he made the +acquaintance of a certain Jewish-Scotch, whose cognomen was Alexander +Wallace McAlpine, and who kindly undertook to lend him a lakh of rupees +for two days at interest which was the mere bite of a flea. + +Having thus acquired the root of all evil, Bindabun took it in a +four-wheeled cab and triumphantly exhibited his hard cash to Sir Jones, +who, being unaware that it was borrowed plumage, readily consented that +he should marry his daughter. After which Mr Bhosh honourably restored +the lakh to the accommodating Scotch minus the interest, which he found +it inconvenient to pay just then. + +I am under great apprehensions that my gentle readers, on reading thus +far and no further, will remark: "Oho! then we are already at the +_finis_, seeing that when a hero and heroine are once booked for +connubial bliss, their further proceedings are of very mediocre +interest!" + +Let me venture upon the respectful caution that every cup possesses a +proverbially slippery lip, and that they are by no means to take it as +granted that Mr Bhosh is so soon married and done for. + +Remember that he still possesses a rather formidable enemy in Duchess +Dickinson, who is irrevocably determined to insert a spike in his wheel +of fortune. For a woman is so constituted that she can never forgive an +individual who has once treated her advances with contempt, no matter +how good-humoured such contempt may have been. No, misters, if you +offend a feminine you must look out for her squalls. + +Readers are humbly requested not to toss this fine story aside under the +impression that they have exhausted the cream in its cocoanut. There are +many many incidents to come of highly startling and sensational +character. + + + + +CHAPTER VII + +THE ADVENTURE OF THE UNWIELDY GIFTHORSE + + When dormant lightning is pent in the polished hoofs of a colt, + And his neck is clothed with thunder,--then, horseman, beware of + the bolt! + + _From the Persian, by H. B. J._ + + +In accordance with English usages, Mr Bhosh, being now officially +engaged to the fair Princess Jones, did dance daily attendance in her +company, and, she being passionately fond of equitation, he was +compelled himself to become the Centaur and act as her _cavalier +servant_ on a nag which was furnished throughout by a West End livery +jobber. Fortunately, he displayed such marvellous dexterity and skill as +an equestrian that he did not once sustain a single reverse! + +Truly, it was a glorious and noble sight to behold Bindabun clinging +with imperturbable calmness to the saddle of his steed, as it ambled and +gamboled in so spirited a manner that all the fashionables made sure +that he was inevitably to slide over its tail quarters! But invariably +he returned, having suffered no further inconvenience than the +bereavement of his tall hat, and the heart of Princess Petunia was +uplifted with pride when she saw that her betrothed, in addition to +being a B.A. and barrister-at-law, was also such a rough rider. + +It is _de rigueur_ in all civilised societies to encourage matrimony by +bestowing rewards upon those who are about to come up to the scratch of +such holy estate, and consequently splendid gifts of carriage, +timepieces, tea-caddies, slices of fish, jewels, blotter-cases, +biscuit-caskets, cigar-lights, and pin-cushions were poured forth upon +Mr Bhosh and his partner, as if from the inexhaustibly bountiful horn of +a Pharmacopoeia. + +Last, but not least, one morning appeared a _saice_ leading an unwieldy +steed of the complexion of a chestnut, and bearing an anonymously-signed +paper, stating that said horse was a connubial gift to Mr Bhosh from a +perfervid admirer. + +Our friend Bindabun was like to throw his bonnet over the mills with +excessive joy, and could not be persuaded to rest until he had made a +trial trip on his gifted horse, while the amiable Princess readily +consented to become his companion. + +So, on a balmy and luscious afternoon in Spring, when the mellifluous +blackbirds, sparrows, and other fowls of that ilk were engaged in +billing and cooing on the foliage of innumerable trees and bushes, and +the blooming flowers were blowing proudly on their polychromatic beds, +Mr Bhosh made the ascension of his gifthorse, and titupped by the side +of his betrothed into the Row, the observed of all the observing +masculine and feminine smarties. + +But, hoity-toity! he had not titupped very many yards when the +unwieldy steed came prematurely to a halt and adopted an unruly +deportment. Mr Bhosh inflicted corporal punishment upon its loins with a +golden-headed whip, at which the rebellious beast erected itself upon +its hinder legs until it was practically a biped. + + [Illustration: THE CANTANKEROUS STEED EXECUTED A LEAP WITH + ASTOUNDING AGILITY (Illustration V)] + +Bindabun, although at the extremity of his wits to preserve his saddle +by his firm hold on the bridle-rein, undauntedly aimed a swishing blow +at the head and front of the offending animal, which instantaneously +returned its forelegs to _terra firma_, but elevated its latter end to +such a degree that our hero very narrowly escaped sliding over its neck +by cleverly clutching the saddleback. + +Next, the cantankerous steed executed a leap with astounding agility, +arching its back like a bow, and propelling our poor friend into the air +like the arrow, though by providential luck and management on his part +he descended safely into his seat after every repetition of this +dangerous manoeuvre. + +All things, however, must come to an end at some time, and the unwieldy +quadruped at last became weary of leaping and, securing the complete +control of his bit, did a bolt from the blue. + +Willy nilly was Mr Bhosh compelled to accompany it upon its mad, +unbridled career, while all witnesses freely hazarded the conjecture +that his abduction would be rather speedily terminated by his being left +behind, and I will presume to maintain that a less practical horseman +would long before have become an ordinary pedestrian. + +But Bindabun, although both stirrupholes were untenanted, and he was +compelled to hold on to his steed's mane by his teeth and nails, +nevertheless remained triumphantly in the ascendant. + +On, on he rushed, making the entire circumference of the Park in his +wild, delirious canter, and when the galloping horse once more +reappeared, and Mr Bhosh was perceived to be still snug on his saddle, +the spectators were unable to refrain from heartfelt joy. + +A second time the incorrigible courser careered round the Park on his +thundering great hoofs, and still our heroic friend preserved his +equilibrium--but, heigh-ho! I have to sorrowfully relate that, on his +third circuit, it was the different pair of shoes--for the headstrong +animal, abstaining from motion in a rather too abrupt manner, propelled +Mr Bhosh over its head with excessive velocity into the elegant interior +of a victoria-carriage. + +He alighted upon a great dame who had maliciously been enjoying the +spectacle of his predicament, but who now was forced to experience the +crushing repartee of his _tu quoque_, for such a forcible collision with +his person caused her not only two blackened optics but irremediable +damage to the leather of her nose. + +The pristine beauty of her features was irrecoverably dismantled, while +Mr Bhosh--thanks to his landing on such soft and yielding +material--remained intact and able to return to his domicile in a +four-wheeled cab. + +Beloved reader, however sceptical thou mayest be, thou wilt infallibly +admire with me the inscrutable workings of Nemesis, when thou learnest +that the aforesaid great lady was no other than the Duchess of +Dickinson, and (what is still more wonderful) that it was she who had +insidiously presented him with such a fearful gift of the Danaides as an +obstreperous and unwieldy steed! + +Truly, as poet Shakespeare sagaciously observes, there is a divinity +that rough-hews our ends, however we may endeavour to preserve their +shapeliness! + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + +A RIGHTABOUT FACER FOR MR BHOSH + + Halloo! at a sudden your love warfare is changed! + Your dress is changed! Your address is changed! + Your express is changed! Your mistress is changed! + Halloo! at a sudden your funny fair is changed! + + _A song sung by Messengeress Binda before Krishnagee_ + _Dr. Ram Kinoo Dutt (of Chittagong)._ + + +Those who are _au faits_ in the tortoise involutions of the feminine +disposition will hear without astonishment that Duchess Dickinson--so +far from being chastened and softened by the circumstance that the curse +she had launched at Mr Bhosh's head had returned, like an illominous +raven, to roost upon her own nose and irreparably destroy its +contour--was only the more bitterly incensed against him. + +Instead of interring the hatchet that had flown back, as if it were that +fabulous volatile the boomerang, she was in a greater stew than ever, +and resolved to leave no stone unturned to trip him up. But what trick +to play, seeing that all the honours were in Mr Bhosh's hands? + +She could not officiate as Marplot to discredit him in the affections of +his lady-love, since the Princess was too severely enamoured to give the +loan of her ear to any sibillations from a snake in grass. + +How else, then, to hinder his match? At this she was seized with an idea +worthy of Maccaroni himself. She paid a complimentary visit to the +Princess, arrayed in the sheepish garb of a friend, and contrived to +lure the conversation on to the vexed question of prying into futurity. + +Surely, she artfully suggested, the Princess at such a momentous epoch +of her existence had, of course, not neglected the sensible precaution +of consulting some competent soothsayer respecting the most propitious +day for her nuptials with the accomplished Mr Bhosh?... + +What, had she omitted to pop so important a question? How incredibly +harebrained! Fortunately, there was yet time to do the needful, and she +herself would gladly volunteer to accompany the Princess on such an +errand. + +Princess Petunia fell a ready victim into the jaws of this diabolical +booby-trap and inquired the address and name of the cleverest +necromancer, for it is matter of notoriety that London ladies are quite +as superstitious and addicted to working the oracle as their native +Indian sisters. + +The Duchess replied that the Astrologer-Royal was a _facile princeps_ at +uttering a prediction, and accordingly on the very next day she and the +Princess, after disguising themselves, set forth on the summit of a +tramway 'bus to the Observatory Temple of Greenwich, where, after first +propitiating the prophet by offerings, they were ushered into a +darkened inner chamber. Although they were strictly _pseudo_, he at once +informed them of their genuine cognomens, and also told them much +concerning their past of which they had hitherto been ignorant. + +And to the Princess he said, stroking the long and silvery hairs of his +beard, "My daughter, I foresee many calamities which will inevitably +befall thee shouldest thou marry before the day on which the bridegroom +wins a certain contest called the Derby with a horse of his own." + +The gentle Petunia departed melancholy as a gib cat, since Mr Bhosh was +not the happy possessor of so much as a single racing-horse of any +description, and it was therefore not feasible that he should become +entitled to wear the _cordon bleu_ of the turf in his buttonhole on his +wedding day! + +With many sighs and tears she imparted her piece of news to the +horror-stricken ears of our hero, who earnestly assured her that it was +contrary to commonsense and _bonos mores_, to attach any importance +to the mere _ipse dixit_ of so antiquated a charlatan as the +Astrologer-Royal, who was utterly incapable--except at very long +intervals--to bring about even such a simple affair as an eclipse which +was visible from his own Observatory! + + [Illustration: 'MY DAUGHTER, I FORESEE MANY CALAMITIES WHICH WILL + INEVITABLY BEFALL THEE' (Illustration VI)] + +However, the Princess, being a feminine, was naturally more prone to +puerile credulities, and very solemnly declared that nothing would +induce her to kneel by Mr Bhosh's side at the torch of Hymen until he +should first have distinguished himself as a Derby winner. + +Whereat Mr Bhosh, perceiving that the date of his nuptial ceremony was +become a _dies non_ in a Grecian calendar, did wring his hands in a bath +of tears. + +Alas! he was totally unaware that it was his implacable enemy, the +Duchess Dickinson, who had thus upset his apple-cart of felicity--but so +it was, for by a clandestine bribe, she had corrupted the +Astrologer-Royal--a poor, weak, very avaricious old chap--to trump out +such a disastrous prediction. + +Some heroes in this hard plight would have thrown up the leek, but Mr +Bhosh was stuffed with sterner materials. He swore a very long oath by +all the gods that he had ceased to believe in, that sooner or later, by +crook or hook, he would win the Derby race, though entirely destitute of +horseflesh and very ill able to afford to purchase the most mediocre +quadruped. + +Here some sporting readers will probably object! Why could he not enlist +his unwieldy gifthorse among Derby candidates and so hoist the Duchess +on the pinnacle of her own petard? + +To which I reply: Too clever by halves, Misters! _Imprimis_, the steed +in question was of far too ferocious a temperament (though undeniably +swift-footed) ever to become a favourite with Derby judges; secondly, +after dismounting Mr Bhosh, it had again taken to its heels and departed +into the Unknown, nor had Mr Bhosh troubled himself to ascertain its +private address. + +But fortune favours the brave. It happened that Mr Bhosh was one day +promenading down the Bayswater Road when he was passed by a white horse +drawing a milk chariot with unparalleled velocity, outstripping +omnibuses, waggons, and even butcher-carts in its wind-like progress, +which was unguided by any restraining hand, for the milk-charioteer +himself was pursuing on foot. + +His natural puissance in equine affairs enabled Mr Bhosh to infer that +the steed which could cut such a record when handicapped with a cumbrous +dairy chariot would exhibit even greater speed if in _puris +naturalibus_, and that it might even not improbably carry off first +prize in the Derby race. + +So, as the milk-charioteer ran up, overblown with anxiety, to learn the +result of his horse's escapade, Mr Bhosh stopped him to inquire what he +would take for such an animal. + +The dairy-vendor, rather foolishly taking it for granted that horse and +cart were gone concerns, thought he was making the good stroke of +business in offering the lot for a twenty-pound note. + +"I have done with you!" cried Mr Bhosh sharply, handing over the +purchase-money, which he very fortunately chanced to have about him, and +galloping off to inspect his bargain, which was like buying a pig after +once poking it in the ribs. + +In what condition he found it I must leave you to learn, my dear +readers, in an ensuing chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER IX + +THE DARK HORSE + + Full many a mare with coat of milkiest sheen, + Is dyed in dark unfathomed coal mines drab; + Full many a flyer's born to blush unseen, + And waste her swiftness on a hansom cab. + + _Lines to order by a young English friend, who swears they + are original. But I regard them as an unconscious + plagiarism from Poet Young's "Eulogy of a Country + Cemetery." H. B. J._ + + It is a gain, a precious, let me gain! let me gain! + Oh, Potentate! Oh, Potentate! + The shower of thine secret shoe-dust + Oh, Potentate! Oh, Potentate! + + _Dr. Ram Kinoo Dutt_ (_of Chittagong_). + + +We left Mr Bhosh in full pursuit of the runaway horse and milk-chariot +which he had so spiritedly purchased while still _en route_. After +running a mile or two, he was unspeakably rejoiced to find that the +equipage had automatically come to a standstill and was still in prime +condition--with the exception of the lacteal fluid, which had made its +escape from the pails. + +Bindabun, however, was not disposed to weep for long over spilt milk, +and had the excessive magnanimity to restore the chariot and pails to +the dairy merchant, who was beside himself with gratitude. + +Then, Mr Bhosh, with a joyful heart, having detached his purchase from +the shafts, conducted it in triumph to his domicile. It turned out to be +a mare, white as snow and of marvellous amiability; and, partly because +of her origin, and partly from her complexion, he christened her by the +appellation of _Milky Way_. + +Although perforce a complete ignoramus in the art of educating a horse +to win any equine contest, Mr Bhosh's nude commonsense told him that the +first step was to fatten his rather too filamentous pupil with corn and +similar seeds, and after a prolonged course of beanfeasts he had the +gratification to behold his mare filling out as plump as a dumpling. + +As he desired her to remain the dark horse as long as possible, he +concealed her in a small toolshed at the end of the garden, ministering +to her wants with his own hands, and conducting her for daily nocturnal +constitutionals several times round the central grass-patch. + +For some time he refrained from mounting--"fain would he climb but that +he feared to fall," as Poet Bunyan once scratched with a diamond on +Queen Anne's window; but at length, reflecting that if nothing ventures +nothing is certain to win, he purchased a padded saddle with appendages, +and surmounted _Milky Way_, who, far from regarding him as an +interloper, appeared gratified by his arrival, and did her utmost to +make him feel thoroughly at home. + +The next step was, of course, to obtain permission from the pundits who +rule the roast of the Jockey Club, that _Milky Way_ might be allowed to +compete in the approaching Derby. + +Now this was a more delicately ticklish matter than might be supposed, +owing to the circumstance that the said pundits are such warm men, and +so well endowed with this world's riches that they are practically +non-corruptible. + +Fortunately, Mr Bhosh, as a dabster in English composition, was a +pastmaster in drawing a petition, and, sitting down, he constructed the +following:-- + + TO THOSE MOST WORSHIPFUL BIGHEADS IN CONTROL OF JOCKEYS CLUB. + + BENIGN PERSONAGES! + + This Petition humbly sheweth: + + (1.) That your Petitioner is a native Indian Cambridge B.A., a + Barrister-at-law, and a most loyal and devoted subject of Her + Majesty the QUEEN-EMPRESS. + + (2.) That it is of excessive importance to him, for private + reasons, that he should win a Derby Race. + + (3.) That such a famous victory would be eminently popular with all + classes of Indian natives, and inordinately increase their affection + for British rule. + + (4.) That for some time past your Petitioner has been diligently + training a quadruped which he fondly hopes may gain a victory. + + (5.) That said quadruped is a member of the fair sex. + + (6.) That she is a female horse of very docile disposition, but, + being only recently extracted from shafts of dairy chariot, is a + total neophyte in Derby racing. + + (7.) That your lordships may direct that she is to be kindly + permitted to try her luck in this world-famous competition. + + (8.) That it would greatly encourage her to exhibit topmost speed if + she could be allowed to start running a few minutes previously to + older stagers. + + (9.) That if this is unfortunately contrary to regulations, then the + Judge should receive secret instructions to look with a favourable + eye upon the said female horse (whose name is _Milky Way_) and award + her first prize, even if by any chance she may not prove quite so + fast a runner as more professional hacks: + + And your Petitioner will ever pray on bended knees that so truly + magnificent an institution as the Epsom Derby Course may never be + suppressed on grounds of encouraging national vice of gambling and + so forth. Signed, &c. + +The wording of the above proved Mr Bhosh's profound acquaintance with +the human heart, for it instantaneously attained the desired end. + +The Honble Stewards returned a very kind answer, readily consenting to +receive _Milky Way_ as a candidate for Derby honours, but regretting +that it was _ultra vires_ to concede her a few minutes' start, and +intimating that she must start with a scratch in company with all the +other horses. + +Bindabun was not in the least degree cast down or depressed by this +refusal of a start, since he had not entertained any sanguine hope that +it would be granted, and had only inserted it to make insurance doubly +sure, for he was every day more confident that _Milky Way_ was to win, +even though obliged to step off with the rank and file. + + + + +CHAPTER X + +TRUST HER NOT! SHE IS FOOLING THEE! + + As the Sunset flames most fiery when snuffed out by sudden night; + As the Swan reserves its twitter till about to hop the twig; + As the Cobra's head swells biggest just before he does his bite; + So a feminine smiles her sweetest ere she gives her nastiest dig. + + _Satirical Stanza (unpublished) by H. B. J._ + + +Now that our hero had obtained that the name of _Milky Way_ was to be +inscribed on the Golden Book of Derby candidates, his next proceeding +was to hire a practical jockey to assume supreme command of her. + +And this was no simple matter, since practical jockeys are usually hired +many weeks beforehand, and demand handsome wages for taking their seats. +But at last, after protracted advertisements, Mr Bhosh had the good +fortune to pitch upon a perfect treasure, whose name was Cadwallader +Perkin, and who, for his riding in some race or other, had been awarded +a whole year's holiday by the stewards who had observed the paramountcy +of his horsemanship. + +No sooner had Perkin inspected _Milky Way_ than he was quite in love +with his stable companion, and assured his employer that, with more +regular out-of-door exercise, she would be easily competent to win the +Derby on her head, whereupon Mr Bhosh consented that she should be +galloped after dark round the inner circle of Regent's Park, which is +chiefly populated at such a time by male and female bicyclists. + +But in order to pay Perkins charges, and also provide a silken jockey +tunic and cap of his own racing colours (which were cream and sky-blue), +Mr Bhosh was compelled to borrow more money from Mr McAlpine, who, as +a Jewish Scotch, exacted the rather exorbitant interest of sixty per +centum. + +It leaked out in some manner that _Milky Way_ was a coming Derby +favourite, and the property of a Native young Indian sportsman, whose +entire fortunes depended on her success, and soon immense multitudes +congregated in Regent's Park to witness her trials of speed, and cheered +enthusiastically to behold the fiery sparks scintillating from the +stones as she circumvented the inner circle in seven-leagued boots. + +Mr Bhosh of course asseverated that she was a very mediocre sort of +mare, and that he did not at all expect that she would prove a winner, +but connoisseurs nevertheless betted long odds upon her success, and +Bindabun himself, though not a speculative, did put on the pot himself +upon the golden egg which he was so anxiously hatching. + +One evening amongst those who were gathered to view the nocturnal +exercises of _Milky Way_ there appeared a feminine spectator of rather +sinister aspect, in a thick veil and a victoria-carriage. + +It was no other than Duchess Dickinson, who had somehow learnt how +courageously Mr Bhosh was endeavouring to fulfil the Astrologer-Royal's +prediction, and who had come to ascertain whether his mare was indeed +such a paragon of celerity as had been represented. + +The very first time that _Milky Way_ cantered past with the gait of a +streak of lightning, the Duchess realised with a sinking heart that Mr +Bhosh must indubitably succeed at the Derby--_unless he was prevented_. + +But how to achieve this? Her womanly instinct told her that Cadwallader +Perkin was far too inexperienced to resist for long such mature and +ripened charms as hers--even though the latter were unfortunately +discounted by the accidental nose-flattening. + +So, lowering her veil till only her eyes were visible above, she waited +till he passed once more, then flung him such a liquid and flashing +glance from her starry and now no longer discoloured optics that the +young jockey, who was of an excessively susceptible disposition, all +but fell off the saddle with emotion, like a very juvenile bird under +serpentine observation. + +"He is mine!" said the unscrupulous Duchess internally, laughing up her +sleeve at such a proof of her fascinations, "mine! mine!" + +She had too much intelligence and mother-wit, however, to take any steps +until Mr Bhosh should be safely out of the way--and how to accomplish +his removal? + +As an acquaintance with the above-mentioned usurer, McAlpine, she was +aware that he had advanced large loans to Mr Bhosh, and so she laid her +plans and bided her time. + +There soon remained only one day before that carnival of all sporting +saturnalians, the Epsom Derby day, and Bindabun formed the prudent +resolution to avoid any delays or crushings by putting _Milky Way_ into +a railway box, and despatching her to Epsom on the previous afternoon, +under the chaperonage of Cadwallader Perkin, who was to engage suitable +lodgings for her in the vicinity of the course. + +But just as Bindabun was approaching the booking hole of Victoria +terminus to take a horse-ticket, lo and behold! he was rapped on the +shoulder by a couple of policemen, who civilly inquired whether his name +was not Bhosh. + +He replied that it was, and that he was the lucky proprietor of a female +horse who was infallibly destined to win the Derby, and that he was even +now proceeding to purchase her travelling ticket. But the policemen +insisted that he must first discharge the full amount of his debt and +costs to Mr McAlpine, who had commenced a law-suit. + +"It is highly inconvenient to pay now," replied our hero, "I will settle +up after receiving my Derby Stakes." + +"We are infernally sorry," said the constables, "but we have +instructions to imprison you until the amount is stumped up, and +anything you say now will be taken down and used against you at your +trial." + +Mr Bhosh remained _sotto voce_; and as he was being led off with gyves +upon his wrists, like Aram the usher, whom should he behold but the +Duchess of Dickinson! + +Like all truly first-class heroes, he was of a generous, confiding +nature, and his head was not for a moment entered by the suspicion that +the Duchess could still cherish any ill feelings towards him. "I am +sincerely sorry," he said with good-humoured gallantry, "to observe that +your ladyship's nose-leather is still in such bad repair. I was riding a +rather muscular steed that afternoon, and could not thoroughly control +my movements." + +She suavely responded that she was proud to have been the means of +breaking his fall. + +"Not only my fall--but your own nose!" retorted Mr. Bhosh +sympathetically. "A sad pity! Fortunately, at your time of life such +disfigurements are of no consequence. I, myself, am now in the pretty +pickle." + +And he explained how he had been arrested for debt, at the very moment +when he had an appointment to meet his mare and jockey and see them +safely off by the Epsom train. + +"Do not trouble about that," said the Duchess. "Hand me your purse, and +I myself will meet them and do the needful on your behalf. I have +interest with this Mr McAlpine and will intercede that you are let +out immediately." + +Mr Bhosh kissed her hand as he handed over his said purse. "This is, +indeed, a noble return for my coldheartedness," he said, "and I am even +more sorry than before that I should have involuntarily dilapidated so +exquisite a nose." + +"Pray do not mention it," replied the Duchess, with the baleful simper +of a Sphynx, and Mr Bhosh departed for his durance vile with a mind +totally free from misgivings. + + + + +CHAPTER XI + +STONE WALLS DO NOT MAKE A CAGE + + Oh, give me back my Arab steed, I cannot ride alone! + Or tell me where my Beautiful, my four-legged bird has flown. + 'Twas here she arched her glossy back, beside the fountain's brink, + And after that I know no more--but I came off, I think. + + _More so-called original lines by aforesaid young English + friend. But I have the shrewd suspicion of having + read them before somewhere.--H. B. J._ + + +And now, O gentle and sympathetic reader, behold our unfortunate hero +confined in the darkest bowels of the Old Bailey Dungeon, for the mere +crime of being an impecunious! + +Yes, misters, in spite of all your boasted love of liberty and fresh +air, imprisonment for debt is still part of the law of the land! How +long will you deafen your ears to the pitiable cry of the bankrupt as he +pleads for the order of his discharge? Perhaps it has been reserved for +a native Indian novelist to jog the elbow of so-called British +jurisprudence, and call its attention to such a shocking scandal. + +Mr Bhosh found his prison most devilishly dull. Some prisoners have been +known to beguile their captivity by making pets or playmates out of most +unpromising materials. For instance, and _exempli gratia_, Mr Monty +Christo met an abbey in his dungeon, who gave him a tip-top education; +Mr Picciola watered a flower; the Prisoner of Chillon made chums of his +chains; while Honble Bruce, as is well-known, succeeded in taming a +spider to climb up a thread and fall down seven times in succession. + +But Mr Bhosh had no spider to amuse him, and the only flowers growing in +his dungeon were toadstools, which do not require to be watered, nor did +there happen to be any abbey confined in the Old Bailey at the time. + +Nevertheless, he was preserved from despair by his indomitable native +chirpiness. For was not _Milky Way_ a dead set for the Derby, and when +she came out at the top of the pole, would he not be the gainer of +sufficient untold gold to pay all his debts, besides winning the hand of +Princess Petunia? + +He was waited upon by the head gaoler's daughter, a damsel of +considerable pulchritude by the name of Caroline, who at first regarded +him askance as a malefactor. + +But, on learning from her parent that his sole offence was insuperable +pennilessness, her tender heart was softened with pity to behold such a +young gentlemanly Indian captive clanking in bilboes, and soon they +became thick as thieves. + +Like all the inhabitants of Great Britain, her thoughts were entirely +engrossed with the approaching Derby Race, and she very innocently +narrated how it was matter of common knowledge that a notorious +grandame, to wit the fashionable Duchess of Dickinson, had backed +heavily that _Milky Way_ was to fail like the flash of a pan. + +Whereupon Mr Bhosh, recollecting that he had actually entrusted his +invaluable mare with her concomitant jockey to the mercy of this +self-same Duchess, was harrowed with sudden misgivings. + +By shrewd cross-questions he soon eliminated that Mr McAlpine was a +pal of the Duchess, which she had herself admitted at the Victoria +terminus, and thus by dint of penetrating instinct, Mr Bhosh easily +unravelled the tangled labyrinth of a hideous conspiracy, which caused +him to beat his head vehemently against the walls of his cell at the +thought of his utter impotentiality. + +Like all feminines who were privileged to make his acquaintance, Miss +Caroline was transfixed with passionate adoration for Bindabun, whom she +regarded as a gallant and illused innocent, and resolved to assist him +to cut his lucky. + +To this end she furnished him with a file and a silken ladder of her own +knitting--but unfortunately Mr Bhosh, having never before undergone +incarceration, was a total neophyte in effecting his escape by such +dangerous and antiquated procedures, which he firmly declined to employ, +urging her to sneak the paternal keybunch and let him out at daybreak by +some back entrance. + +And, not to crack the wind of this poor story while rendering it as +short as possible, she yielded to his entreaties and contrived to +restore him to the priceless boon of liberty the next morning at about 5 +A.M. + +Oh, the unparalleled raptures of finding himself once more free as a +bird! + +It was the dawn of the Derby Day, and Mr Bhosh precipitated himself to +his dwelling, intending to array himself in all his best and go down to +Epsom, where he was in hopes of encountering his horse. Heyday! What was +his chagrin to see his jockey, Cadwallader Perkin, approach with +streaming eyes, fling himself at his master's feet and implore him to be +merciful! + +"How comes it, Cadwallader," sternly inquired Mr Bhosh, "that you are +not on the heath of Epsom instead of wallowing like this on my shoes?" + +"I do not know," was the whimpered response. + +"Then pray where is my Derby favourite, _Milky Way_?" demanded Bindabun. + +"I cannot tell," wailed out the lachrymose juvenile. Then, after +prolonged pressure, he confessed that the Duchess had met him at the +station portals, and, on the plea that there was abundance of spare time +to book the mare, easily persuaded him to accompany her to the buffet of +Refreshment-room. + +There she plied him with a stimulant which jockeys are proverbially +unable to resist, viz., brandy-cherries, in such profusion that he +promptly became catalyptic in a corner. + +When he returned to sobriety neither the Duchess nor the mare was +perceptible to his naked eye, and he had been searching in vain for them +ever since. + +It was the time not for words, but deeds, and Mr Bhosh did not indulge +in futile irascibility, but sat down and composed a reply wire to the +Clerk of Course, Epsom, couched in these simple words: "Have you seen my +Derby mare?--BHOSH." + +After the suspense of an hour the reply came in the discouraging form of +an abrupt negative, upon which Mr Bhosh thus addressed the abashed +Perkin: "Even should I recapture my mare in time, you have proved +yourself unworthy of riding her. Strip off your racing coat and cap, and +I will engage some more reliable equestrian." + +The lad handed over the toggery, which Bindabun stuffed, being of very +fine silken tissue, into his coat pocket, after which he hurried off to +Victoria in great agitation to make inquiries. + +There the officials treated his modest requests in very off-handed +style, and he was becoming all of a twitter with anxiety and +humiliation, when, _mirabile dictu!_ all of a sudden his ears were +regaled by the well-known sound of a whinny, and he recognised the +beloved voice of _Milky Way_! + +But whence did it proceed? He ran to and fro in uncontrollable +excitement, endeavouring to locate the sound. There was no trace of a +horse in any of the waiting-rooms, but at length he discovered that his +mare had been locked up in the Left-Luggage department, and, summoning a +porter, Mr Bhosh had at last the indescribable felicity to embrace his +kidnapped Derby favourite _Milky Way_! + + + + +CHAPTER XII + +A RACE AGAINST TIME + + There's a certain old Sprinter; you've got to be keen, + If you'd beat him--although he is bald, + And he carries a clock and a mowing-machine. + On the cinderpath "Tempus" he's called. + + _Stanza written to order by young English friend, + but (I fear) copied from Poet Tennyson._ + + +Ah! with what perfervid affection did Mr Bhosh caress the neck of his +precious horse! How carefully he searched her to make sure that she had +sustained no internal poisonings or other dilapidations! + +Thank goodness! He was unable to detect any flaw within or without--the +probability being that the crafty Duchess did not dare to commit such a +breach of decorum as to poison a Derby favourite, and thought to +accomplish her fell design by leaving the mare as lost luggage and +destroying the ticket-receipt. + +But old Time had already lifted the glass to his lips, and the contents +were rapidly running down, so Mr Bhosh, approaching a railway director, +politely requested him to hook a horse-box on to the next Epsom train. + +What was his surprise to hear that this could not be done until all +Derby trains had first absented themselves! With passionate volubility +he pleaded that, if such a law of Medes and Persians was to be insisted +on, _Milky Way_ would infallibly arrive at Epsom several hours too late +to compete in the Derby race, in which she was already morally +victorious--until at length the official relented, and agreed to do the +job for valuable consideration in hard cash. + +Lackadaisy! after excavating all his pockets, our unhappy hero could +only fork out wherewithal enough for third-class single ticket for +himself, and he accordingly petitioned that his mare might travel as +baggage in the guard's van. + +I am not to say whether the officials at this leading terminus were all +in the pay of the Duchess, since I am naturally reluctant to advance so +serious a charge against such industrious and talented parties, but it +is _nem. con._ that Mr Bhosh's very reasonable request was nilled in +highly offensive cut-and-dried fashion, and he was curtly recommended to +walk himself and his horse off the platform. + +_Que faire?_ How was it humanly possible for any horse to win the Derby +race without putting in an appearance? And how was _Milky Way_ to put in +her appearance if she was not allowed access to any Epsom train? A less +wilful and persevering individual than Mr Bhosh would have certainly +succumbed under so much red-tapery, but it only served to arouse +Bindabun's monkey. + +"How far is the distance to Epsom?" he inquired. + +"Fourteen miles," he was answered. + +"And what o'clock the Derby race?" + +"About one P.M." + +"And it is now just the middle of the day!" exclaimed Bindabun. "Very +well, since it seems _Milky Way_ is not to ride in the railway, she +shall cover the distance on shank's mare, for I will ride her to Epsom +in _propria persona_!" + + [Illustration: THE ROAD WAS CHOCKED FULL WITH EVERY DESCRIPTION OF + CONVEYANCE (Illustration VII)] + +So courageous a determination elicited loud cheers from the bystanders, +who cordially advised him to put his best legs foremost as he mounted +his mettlesome crack, and set off with broken-necked speed for Epsom. + +I must request my indulgent readers to excuse this humble pen from +depicting the horrors of that wild and desperate ride. Suffice it to say +that the road was chocked full with every description of conveyance, and +that Mr Bhosh was haunted by two terrible apprehensions, viz., that he +might meet with some shocking upset, and that he should arrive the day +after the fair. + +As he urged on his headlong career, he was constantly inquiring of the +occupants of the various vehicles if he was still in time for the Derby, +and they invariably hallooed to him that if he desired to witness the +spectacle he was to buck himself up. + +Mr Bhosh bucked himself up to such good purpose that, long before the +clock struck one, his eyes were gladdened by beholding the summit of +Epsom grand stand on the distant hill-tops. + +Leaning himself forward, he whispered in the shell-like ear of _Milky +Way_: "Only one more effort, and we shall have preserved both our +bacons!" + +But, alas! he had the mortification to perceive that the legs of _Milky +Way_ were already becoming tremulous from incipient grogginess. + + * * * * * + +And now, beloved reader, let me respectfully beg you to imagine yourself +on the Epsom Derby Course immediately prior to the grand event. What a +marvellous human farrago! All classes hobnobbing together +higgledy-piggledy; archbishops with acrobats; benchers with bumpkins; +counts with candlestickmakers; dukes with druggists; and so on through +the entire alphabet. Some spectators in carriages; others on _terra +firma_; flags flying; bands blowing; innumerable refreshment tents +rearing their heads proudly into the blue Empyrean; policemen gazing +with smiling countenances on the happy multitudes when not engaged in +running them in. + +Now they are conducting the formality of weighing the horses, to see if +they are qualified as competitors for the Derby Gold Cup, and each +horse, as it steps out of the balancing scales and is declared eligible, +commences to prance jubilantly upon the emerald green turf. + +(_N.B._-The writer of above realistic description has never been +actually present at any Derby Race, but has done it all entirely from +assiduous cramming of sporting fictions. This is surely deserving of +recognition from a generous public!) + +Now follows a period of dismay--for _Milky Way_, the favourite of high +and low, is suddenly discovered to be still the dark horse! The only +person who exhibits gratification is the Duchess Dickinson, who makes +her entrance into the most fashionable betting ring and, accosting a +leading welsher, cries in exulting accents: "I will bet a million to a +monkey against _Milky Way_!" + +Even the welsher himself is appalled by the enormity of such a stake and +earnestly counsels the Duchess to substitute a more economical wager, +but she scornfully rejects his well-meant advice, and with a trembling +hand he inscribes the bet in his welching book. + +No sooner has he done so than the saddling bell breaks forth into a +joyous chime, and the crowd is convulsed by indescribable emotions. +"Huzza! huzza!" they shout. "Welcome to the missing favourite, and three +cheers for _Milky Way_!" + +The Duchess had turned as pale as a witch, for, galloping along the +course, she beholds Mr Bhosh, bereft of his tall hat and covered with +perspiration and dust, on the very steed which she fondly hoped had been +mislaid among the left luggage! + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + +A SENSATIONAL DERBY STRUGGLE + + Is it for sordid pelf that horses race? + Or can it be the glory that they go for? + Neither; they know the steed that shows best pace + Will get his flogging all the sooner over! + + _Reflection at a Racecourse.--H. B. J._ + + +The Duchess, seeing that her plot was foiled by the unexpected arrival +of Mr Bhosh, made the frantic endeavour to hedge herself behind another +bet of a million sterling to a monkey that _Milky Way_ was to come off +conqueror--but in vain, since none of the welshers would concede such +very long odds. + +So, wrapping her features in a veil of feminine duplicity, she advanced +swimmingly to meet Mr Bhosh. "How lucky that you have arrived on the +neck of time!" she said. "And you have ridden all the way from town? +Tell me now, would not you and your dear horse like some refreshment +after so tedious a journey?" + +"Madam," said Mr Bhosh, bowing to his saddle-bow, while his optics +remained fixed upon the Duchess with a withering glare. "We are not +taking any--from _your_ hands." + +This crushing sarcasm totally abashed the Duchess, who perceived that he +had penetrated her schemes and crept away in discomfiture. + +After this incident _Milky Way_ was subjected to the ordeal of trying +her weight, which she passed with honours. For--very fortunately as it +turned out--the twenty-four hours' starvation which she had endured as +left luggage had reduced her to the prescribed number of _maunds_, which +she would otherwise have infallibly exceeded, since Mr Bhosh, being as +yet a tyro in training Derby cracks, had allowed her to acquire a +superfluous obesity. + +Thus once more the machinations of the Duchess had only benefited the +very individual they were intended to injure! + +But it remained necessary to hire a practical jockey, since Cadwallader +Perkin was still lamenting in dust and ashes at home, so Mr Bhosh ran +about from pillow to post endeavouring to borrow a rider for _Milky +Way_. + +Owing, probably, to the Duchess's artifices, he encountered nothing but +refusals and pleas of previous engagement--until, at the end of the +tether of his patience, he said: "Since my mare cannot compete in a +riderless condition, I myself will assume command and steer her to +victory!" + +Upon which gallant speech the entire air became darkened by clouds of +upthrown hats and shouts of "Bravo, Bindabun!" + +But upon this the pertinacious Duchess lodged the objection that he was +not in correct toggery, and that, even if he still retained his tall +hat, it would be contrary to etiquette to ride the Derby in a frock +coat. + +"Where are his racing colours?" she demanded. + +"_Here!_" cried Mr Bhosh, pulling forth the cream and sky-blue silken +jacket and cap from his pockets, and, discarding his frock coat, he +assumed the garbage of a jockey in the twinkle of a jiffy. + +"I protest," then cried the undaunted Duchess, "against such cruelty to +animals as racing an overblown mare so soon after she has galloped from +London!" + +"Your stricture is just, O humane and distinguished lady," responded the +judge, who had conceived a violent attachment to _Milky Way_ and her +owner, "and I will willingly postpone the race for an hour or two until +the horse has recovered her breeze." + +"Quite unnecessary!" said Bindabun. "My mare is not such a weakling as +you imagine, and will be as fit as a flea after she has imbibed one or +two champagne bottles." + +And his prediction was literally fulfilled, for the champagne soon +rendered _Milky Way_ playful as a kitten. Mr Bhosh ascended into his +saddle; the other horses were drawn up in single rank; the starter +brandished his flag--and the curtain rose on such a race as has, +perhaps, never been equalled in the annals of the Derby. + +The rival cracks were named as follows:----_Topsy Turvey_, _Poojah_, +_Brandy Pawnee_, _Tiffin Bell_, _Tripod_, _Cui Bono_, _British +Jurisprudence_ and _Roseate Smell_. The betting was even on the field. + +_Poojah_ was a large tall horse with a nude tail, but excessively +nimble; _Tripod_, on the contrary, was a small cob of sluggish habits +and needing to be constantly pricked; _Tiffin Bell_ was a piebald of +goodly proportions; and _Roseate Smell_ was of same sex as _Milky Way_, +though more vixenish in character. + +Not long after the start Mr Bhosh was chagrined to discover that he was +all behindhand, and he almost despaired of overtaking any of his +fore-runners. Moreover, he was already oppressed by painful soreness, +due to so constantly coming in contact with the saddle during his ride +from London--but "in for a penny, in for a pound of flesh," and he +plodded on, and soon had the good luck to recapture some of his lost +ground. + +It was the old fabulous anecdote of the Hare and the Tortoise. First of +all, _Topsy Turvey_ was tripped up by a rabbit's hole; then _Roseate +Smell_ leaped the barrier and joined the spectators, while _Tripod_ +sprained his offside ankle. Gradually Mr Bhosh passed _Brandy Pawnee_, +_Cui Bono_, and _British Jurisprudence_, until, on arriving at Tottenham +Court Corner, only _Tiffin Bell_ and _Poojah_ remained in the running. + +_Tiffin Bell_ became so discouraged by the near approach of _Milky Way_ +that he dwindled his pace to a paltry trot, so Mr Bhosh was easily +enabled to defeat him, after which by Cyclopean efforts he urged his +mare until she and _Poojah_ were cheek by jowl. + +For some time it was the dingdong race between a hammer and tongs! + +Still, as the quadrupeds ploughed their way on, _Poojah_ churlishly +refused to give _place aux dames_, and _Milky Way_ began to drop to the +rear. Seeing that she was utterly incompetent to accelerate her speed +and therefore in imminent danger of being defeated, Chunder Bindabun had +the happy inspiration to make an appeal to the best feelings of the +rival jockey, whose name was Juggins. + +"Juggins!" he wheezed in an agonised whisper, "I am a poor native +Indian, totally unpractised in Derby riding. Show me some magnanimous +action, and allow _Milky Way_ to take first prize, Juggins!" + +But Mr Juggins responded that he earnestly desired that _Poojah_ should +obtain said prize, and applied a rather severe whipsmack to his willing +horse. + +"My mare is the favourite, Juggins!" pleaded Mr Bhosh. "By defeating her +you will land yourself in the bad odour of the _oi polloi_. Have you +considered that, Juggins?" + +Juggins's only reply was to administer more whip-smacks, but Chunder +Bindabun persevered. "Consider my hard case, Juggins! If I am beaten, I +lose both a _placens uxor_ and the pot of money. If, on the other hand, +I come in first at the head of the winning pole I promise to share my +entire fortune with you!" + +Upon this, the kind-hearted and venial equestrian relented, warmly +protesting that he would rather be a _proxime accessit_ and second +fiddle than deprive another human being of all his earthly felicity, and +accordingly he reined in his impetuous courser with such consummate +skill that _Milky Way_ forged ahead by the length of a nose. + +Thus they galloped past the Grand Stand, and, as Mr Bhosh gazed upwards +and descried the elegant form of the Princess Petunia standing upon the +topmost roof, he was so exalted with jubilation that he elevated +himself in his stirrups; and waving his cap in a chivalrous salute, +cried out: "Hip-hip-hip! I am ramping in!" + +"Then," I hear the reader exclaim, "it is all over, and _Milky Way_ is +victorious." + +Please, my honble friend, do not be so premature! I have not _said_ that +the race was over. There are still some yards to the judge's bench, and +it is always on the racing cards that _Poojah_ may prove the winner +after all. + +Such inquisitive curiosity shall be duly satisfied in the next chapter, +which is also the last. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + +A GRAND FINISH + + Happy Aurora is a happy Aurora! + Hip, Hip, Hip, Hip, Hurrah! Hurrah! + + _Dr Ram Kinoo Dutt (of Chittagong)._ + + +On the summit of the Grand Stand might have been observed groups of +spectators eagerly awaiting the finish. Conspicuous amongst them were +Princess Petunia (most sumptuously attired) and her parent, +Merchant-prince Jones; and close by Duke and Duchess Dickinson, +following the classic contest through binocular glasses. + +"_Poojah_ will prove to be the winner!... No, it is _Milky Way_!... They +are neck or nothing! It will be a deceased heat!" exclaimed the excited +populaces. + +And the beauteous Petunia was as if seated upon the spike of suspense, +since Mr Bhosh's success was a _sine qua non_ to their union. Suddenly +came the glad shout: "The Favourite takes the cake with a canter!" and +Duchess Dickinson became pallid with anguish, for, rich as she was, she +could ill afford to become the loser of a cool million. + +The shout was strictly veracious, for Mr Bhosh was ruling the roast by +half-a-head, and _Poojah_ was correspondingly behind. "_Macte virtute!_" +cried Princess Petunia, in the silvery tones of a highly-bred bell, +while she violently agitated her sun-umbrella: "O my beloved Bindabun, +do not fall behind at eleven o'clock!" + +And, as though in answer to this appeal (which he did not overhear), she +beheld her triumphant suitor saluting the empress of his soul with +uplifted jockey-cap. + +Alack! it was the fatal piece of politeness; since, to avoid falling +off, he was compelled to moderate the speed of his racer while +performing it, and Juggins, either repenting his good-nature, or unable +any longer to restrain the impetuosity of _Poojah_, was carried first +past the winning-pole, Mr Bhosh following on _Milky Way_ as the bad +second! + +At this the Princess Petunia emitted a doleful scream; like Freedom, +which, as some poet informs us, "squeaked when Kockiusko (a Japanese +gentleman) fell," and suspended her animation for several minutes, while +the Duchess "grinned a horrible ghastly smile," as described by Poet +Milton in _Paradise Lost_, at Mr Bhosh's shocking defeat and her own +gain of a million, though all true sportsmen present deeply sympathised +with our hero that he should be thus wrecked in sight of port on account +of an ordinary act of courtesy to a female! + +But Mr Bhosh preserved his withers as unwrung as though he possessed the +hide of a rhinoceros. "Honble Sir," said he, addressing the Judge, "I +humbly beg permission to claim this Derby race and lodge an objection +against my antagonist." + +"On what grounds?" was the naturally astonished rejoinder. + +"On the grounds," deliberately replied Chunder Bindabun, "that he +surreptitiously did pull his horse's head." + +Juggins was too dumbfoundered to reply to the accusation, and several +spectators came forward to testify that they had personally witnessed +him curbing his steed, and--it being contrary to the _lex non scripta_ +of turf etiquette to pull at a horse's head when he is winning--Juggins +was very ignominiously plucked by the Jockey's Club. + +The Duchess made the desperate attempt to argue that, if Juggins was a +pot, Mr Bhosh was a kettle of equally dark complexion, since he also had +reined up before attaining the goal--but Chunder Bindabun was able +easily to show that he had done so, not with any intention to forfeit +his stakes, but merely to salute his betrothed, whereas Juggins had +pulled to prevent his horse from achieving the conquest. + +So, to Mr Bhosh's inexpressible delight, the Derby Cup, full as an egg +with golden sovereigns, was awarded to him, and the notorious blue +ribbon was pinned by the judge upon his proud and heaving bosom. + +But, as he was reverting, highly elated, to the side of his beloved +amidst the acclamations of the multitude, the disreputable Juggins had +the audacity to pluck his elbow and demand the promised _quid pro quo_. + +"For what service?" inquired Chunder Bindabun in amazement. + +"Why, did you not promise me the moiety of your fortune, honble Sir," +was the reply, "if I allowed you to be the winner?" + +Mr Bhosh was of an exceptionally mild, just disposition, but such a +piece of cheeky chicanery as this aroused his fiercest indignation and +rendered him cross as two sticks. "O contemptible trickster!" he said, +in terrific tones, "my promise (as thou knowest well) was on condition +that I was first past the winning-pole. Whereas--owing to thy perfidy--I +was only the bad second. Do not attempt to hunt with the hare and +run with hounds. Depart to lower regions!" + + [Illustration: THE NOTORIOUS BLUE RIBBON WAS PINNED BY THE JUDGE + UPON HIS PROUD AND HEAVING BOSOM (Illustration VIII)] + +And Juggins slinked into obscurity with fallen chops. + +Benevolent and forbearing readers, this unassuming tale is near its +_finis_. Owing to his brilliant success at the Derby, Mr Bhosh was now +rolling on cash, and, as the prediction of the Astrologer-Royal was +fulfilled, there was no longer any objection to his union with the +Princess Jones, with whom he accordingly contracted holy matrimony, and +now lives in great splendour at Shepherd's Bush, since all his friends +earnestly besought him that he was not to return to India. He therefore +naturalised himself as a full-blooded British, and further adopted a +coat-of-arms from the Family Herald, with a splendidly lofty crest, and +the motto "_Sans Peur et Sans Reproche_." ("Not being funky myself, I do +not reproach others with said failing"--_free translation_.) + +But what of the wicked Duchess? I have to record that, being unable to +pay the welsher her bet of a million pounds, she was solemnly +pronounced a bankruptess and incarcerated (by a striking instance of the +tit-for-tat of Fate) in the identical Old Bailey cell to which she had +consigned Chunder Bindabun! + +And in her case the gaoler's fair daughter, Miss Caroline, did not +exhibit the same softheartedness. Mr Bhosh and his Princess-bride, being +both of highly magnanimous idiosyncrasies, for some time visited their +relentless foe in her captivity, carrying her fruit and flowers and +sweets of inexpensive qualities, but were received in such a cold, +standoffish style that they soon discontinued such thankless civilities. + +As for _Milky Way_, she is still hale and flourishing, though she has +never since displayed the phenomenal speed of her first (and probably +her last) Derby race. She may often be seen in the vicinity of +Shepherd's Bush, harnessed to a small basketchaise, in which are Mr and +Mrs Bhosh and some of their blooming progenies. + +Here, with the Public's kind permission, we will leave them, and +although this trivial and unpretentious romance can claim no merit +except its undeviating fidelity to nature, I still venture to think +that, for sheer excitement and brilliancy of composition, &c, it will be +found, by all candid judges, to compare rather favourably with more +showy and meretricious fictions by overrated English novelists. + + END + OF + A BAYARD FROM BENGAL. + + + _N.B.--I cannot conscientiously recommend the Indulgent Reader to + proceed any further--for reasons which, should he do so, will be + obvious. H. B. J._ + + + + +THE PARABLES OF PILJOSH + +FREELY RENDERED INTO ENGLISH FROM THE ORIGINAL STYPTIC WITH INTRODUCTION +AND NOTES BY H. B. JABBERJEE, B.A. + + +INTRODUCTION + +I shall begin by begging that it may not be supposed either that _I_ am +the Author or even the Translator of the appended fables! + +The plain truth of the matter is that I am far indeed from standing agog +with amazement at their literary or other excellences, and inclined +rather to award them the faint damnation of a very mediocre eulogy. + +But it so happens that the actual translator is the same young English +friend who kindly furnished me with a few selected poetic extracts for +my Society novel, and has earnestly entreated me (as the _quid pro +quo_!) to compose an introduction and notes for his own effusion, +alleging that it is a _sine qua non_ nowadays for all first class +Classics to be issued with introduction, notes and appendix by some +literary knob--otherwise they speedily become obsolete and still-born. + +Therefore I readily consented to oblige him, although I am no _au fait_ +in the Styptic dialect, and cannot therefore be held answerable for the +accuracy of my friend's translation, which he admits himself is of a +rather free description. + +Of the Philosopher who composed these Proverbs or Fables little is +known, even in his own country, except that (as all Scholiasts are +aware) he was born on the 1st of April 1450 (old style), and for some +years filled the important and responsible post of Archi-mandrake of +Paraprosdokian. He probably met with a violent end. + +I shall not undertake to provide a note to _every_ parable, but only in +cases where I think that the Parabolist is not quite as luminous as the +nose on one's face, and needs the services of an experienced +interpreter. H. B. J. + + +The Butterfly visited so many flowers that she fell sick of a surfeit of +nectar. She called it "Nervous Breakdown." + + * * * * * + +"Instead of vainly lamenting over those we have lost," said the young +Cuckoo severely, to the Father and Mother Sparrow, "it seems to me that +you should be rejoicing that _I_ am still spared to you!" + + _Note._--A mere plagiaristic adaptation of the trite adage + concerning the comparative values of birds in the hand and in the + bush.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"I am old enough to be thy Grandfather!" the Egg informed the Chicken. + +"In that case," replied the Chicken, "it is high time thou bestirredst +thyself!" + +"Not so!" said the Egg, "since the longer I remain quiescent, the fitter +I shall be for the career that is destined for me." + +"Indeed," inquired the Chicken, "and what may _that_ be?" + +"_Politics!_" answered the Egg with importance. + +And the Chicken pondered long over that saying. + + _Note._--I must confess to following the Chicken's precedent, + without arriving at any solution. For, logically, an Egg must be the + junior of any Chicken. And again, even for parabolical purposes, it + is far-fetched to represent an Egg as a potential Member of + Parliament. On the whole, I am not entirely satisfied that my young + friend is so proficient in acquaintance with Cryptic as he has + represented to me.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +There is only one thing that irritateth a woman more than the man who +doth not understand her, and that is the man who doth. + + * * * * * + +A certain Artificer constructed a mechanical Serpent which was so +marvellously natural that it bit him in the back. "Had I but another +hour to live," he lamented in his last agonies, "I would have patented +the invention!" + +The Woman was so determined to be independent of Man that she +voluntarily became the slave of a Machine. + + _Note._--I do not understand the meaning of the Fabulist here.--H. + B. J. + + * * * * * + +"She used to be so fresh; but she is gone off terribly since I first +knew her!" said the Slug of the Strawberry. + + _Note._--See my remark on the last parable.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"Now, I call that downright Plagiarism!" observed the Ass, when he heard +the Lion roar. + +"A cheery laugh goes a long way in this world!" remarked the Hyena. + +"But a bright smile goes further still!" said the Alligator, as he took +him in. + + _Note._--If the honble Philosopher is censuring here merely the + assumption of hilarity and not ordinary quiet facetiousness, I am + entirely with him. But I rather regard him as a total deficient in + Humour and fanatically opposed to it in any form.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"I trust I have now made myself perfectly clear?" observed the +Cuttlefish, after discharging his ink. + + * * * * * + +The Cockney was assured that, if he placed the Sea-shell to his ear, he +would hear the murmur of Ocean. + +But all he caught distinctly was the melody of negro minstrels. + + * * * * * + +"It is some satisfaction to feel that we have both been sacrificed in a +thoroughly deserving cause!" said the Brace-button, complacently, to the +Threepenny Bit, as they met in the Offertory Bag. + + _Note._--This must be some local allusion, for I + do not know what sort of receptacle an Offertory + Bag may be, or why such articles should be inserted + therein.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +Mistrust the Bridegroom who appeareth at his wedding with +sticking-plaster on his chin [or "_without_ sticking-plaster," &c.--the +Styptic is capable of either interpretation.--_Trans._]. + + _Note._--Then I will humbly say that it must be a peculiarly elastic + tongue. But in _either_ form the Proverb is meaningless.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"What!--My Original dead?" cried the Statue. "Then I have lost all +chance of ever becoming celebrated!" + + _Note._--This is an obvious mistranslation, since a Statue is only + erected when the Original is already celebrated.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"What is your favourite Perfume?" they asked the Hog, and he answered +them, "Pigwash." + +"How vulgar!" exclaimed the Stoat. "_Mine_ is Patchouli!" + +But the Fox said that, in _his_ opinion, the less scent one used the +better. + + _Note._--This merely records the well-known physiological fact that + some persons are born without the olfactory sense. Emperor + Vespasian was accustomed to declare (erroneously) that "pecunia non + olet."--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"I wonder they allow such a cruel contrivance as that 'Catch 'em alive, +oh!' paper!" said the Spider tearfully, as she sat in her web. + + _Note._--From this we learn that there may be a soft spot in the + most unpromising quarters. Even Alexander the Great, who spent the + blood of his troops like pocket money, is recorded to have wept at a + review on suddenly reflecting that all his soldiers would probably + be deceased in a hundred years. It is barely possible that Piljosh + may have been a spectator of this incident.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +A certain Pheasant was pluming herself upon having become a member of +the Anti-Sporting League. + +"Softly, friend!" said a wily old Cock, "for, should this League of +thine succeed in its object, every man's hand would be against us both +by day and night; whereas, at present, our lives are protected all night +by vigilant keepers, and spared all day by our owner and his guests, +who are incapable of shooting for nuts!" + + _Note._--This is a glaring _non sequitur_ and fallacy. I myself + have never shot for nuts--but it does not necessarily follow that + any pheasant would remain intact after I discharged my + rifle-barrel!--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"It is not what we _look_ that signifieth," said the Scorpion +virtuously, "it is what we _are_!" + + _Note._--True enough--but the moral would have been improved by + attributing the saying to some insect of more innocuous character + than a Scorpion. Perhaps this is so in the original Styptic, for, as + I have said, I cannot repose implicit faith in my young friend's + version.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"I have composed the most pathetic poem in the world!" declared the +Poet. + +"How can'st thou be sure of that," he was asked. + +"Because," he replied, "I recited it to the Crocodile, and she could not +refrain from shedding tears!" + + * * * * * + +"It is gratifying to find oneself appreciated at last," said the +Cabbage, when the Cigar Merchant labelled him as a Cabana. + + * * * * * + +"Don't talk to _me_ about Cactus," said the Ostrich contemptuously to +the Camel. "Insipid stuff, _I_ call it! No--for real flavour and +delicacy, give me a pair of Sheffield scissors!" + + * * * * * + +"The accommodation might be more luxurious, it's true," remarked the +philosophic Mouse, when he found himself in the Trap, "but, after all, +it's not as if I was going to stay here _long_!" + + * * * * * + +"People tell me he can shine when he chooses," said the Extinguisher of +the Candle. "All _I_ know is, he's positively dull whenever he's with +_me_!" + + * * * * * + +There was once a Musical Box which played but one tune, to which its +owner was never weary of listening. But, after a time, he desired a +novelty, and could not rest until he had exchanged the barrel for +another. However, he sickened of the second tune sooner than of the +first, and so he exchanged it for a third, which he liked not at all. + +Accordingly he commanded that the Box should return to the first tune of +all--and lo! this had become an abomination unto his ears, nor could he +conceive how he had ever been able to endure it! + +So the Musical Box was laid upon the shelf, and the Owner procured for +himself a cheap mouth-organ which could play any air that was suggested +to it, and thus became an established favourite. + + _Note._--This is apparently designed to illustrate the ficklety of + the Musical Character.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"_Do_ come in!" snapped the severed Shark's Head to the Ship's Cat. "As +you perceive, I am carrying on business as usual during the +alterations." + + * * * * * + +The Bulbul had no sooner finished her song than the Bullfrog began to +make profuse apologies for having left his music at home. + + * * * * * + +To a Butterscotch Machine the Penny and the Tin Disc are alike. + + _Note._--Surely not if an official is looking on!--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"My dears," said the Converted Cannibal reverently to his Wife and +Family, as they sat down to their Baked Missionary, "do not let us omit +to ask a blessing!" + + * * * * * + +There is but one Singer whom it is futile to encore--and that is a Dying +Swan. + + * * * * * + +"I am doing a series of 'Notable Nests' for 'Sylvan Society,'" said the +insinuating Serpent, on finding the Ringdove at home, "and I should so +much like to include _you_." "You are very kind," said the Ringdove, in +a flutter, "but I can assure you that there is no more in my poor +little eggs than in any other bird's!" "That may be," replied the +Serpent, "but I must live _somehow_!" + + * * * * * + +"No outsiders there--only just their own particular set!" said the +Cocksparrow, when he came home after having been to tea with the Birds +of Paradise. + + * * * * * + +The Elephant was dying of starvation, and a kind-hearted person +presented him with an acidulated drop. + + _Note._--It is well-nigh incredible that any Philosopher should be + so ignorant of Natural History as to imagine that any Elephant would + accept an acid drop, even if it was on its last legs for want of + nutrition. + + The conclusion of this anecdote would seem to be either lost, or + unfit for publication.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +There was once a famous Violinist who serenaded his Mistress every +evening, performing the most divine melodies upon his instrument. + +But all the while she was straining her ears to listen to a piano-organ +round the corner which was playing "Good-bye, Dolly Gray!" + + * * * * * + +The Performing Lioness kisses her Trainer on the mouth--but only in +public. + + * * * * * + +The Candle complained bitterly of the unpleasantness of seeing so many +scorched moths in her vicinity. + + * * * * * + +"I have taken such a fancy to thee," said the Hawk genially to the +Field-Mouse, "that I am going to put thee into a really good thing." + +And he opened his beak. + + * * * * * + +There are persons who have no sense of the fitness of things. + +Like the Grasshopper, who insisted on putting the Snail up for the +Skipping Club. + + * * * * * + +The Cat scratched the Dog's nose out of sheer playfulness--but she had +no time to explain. + + * * * * * + +"After all, it _is_ pleasant to be at home again!" said the Eagle's +feathers on the shaft that pierced him. + +But the Eagle's reply is not recorded. + + _Note._--Poet Byron also mentions this incident.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +A certain Painter set himself to depict a lovely landscape. "See!" he +cried, as he exhibited his canvas to a Passing Stranger, "doth not this +my picture resemble the scene with exactitude?" + +"Since thou desirest to know," was the reply, "thou seemest to me to +have portrayed nothing but a manure heap!" + +"And am _I_ to blame," exclaimed the indignant Painter, "if a manure +heap chanced to be immediately in front of me?" + + * * * * * + +Before a Man marrieth a Woman he delighteth to describe unto her all his +doings--even the most unimportant. + +But, after marriage, he considereth that such talk may savour too much +of egotism. + + _Note._-This is very very shallow. I have never experienced any such + compunctiousness with my own wives.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"I shouldn't have minded so much," said the Bee, with some bitterness, +just before breathing his last in the honey-pot, "only it happens to be +my own make!" + + * * * * * + +"Is the White Rabbit beautiful?" someone inquired of the Albino Rat. + +"She might be passable enough," replied the Rat, "but for one most +distressing deformity. She has pink eyes!" + + * * * * * + +When the Ass was asked about his Cousin the Zebra, he said: "Do not +speak about him--for he has disgraced us all. Never before has there +been any eccentricity in _our_ family!" + + * * * * * + +The full-blown Sausage professeth to have forgotten the days of his +puppyhood. + + * * * * * + +"_Will_ you allow me to pass?" said the courteous Garden Roller to the +Snail. + + * * * * * + +Had anyone met the Red Herring in the sea and foretold that he would one +day be pursued by Hounds across a difficult country, the Herring would +have accounted him but a vain babbler. + +Yet so it fell out! + + _Note._--I shrewdly suspect that my young friend has made the rather + natural mistake of substituting the word "Red Herring" for "Flying + Fish." + + It is not absolutely incredible that one of the latter department + should fly inland and be chased by Dogs--but even Piljosh should be + aware that no Herring could pop off in such a way.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +An Officious Busybody, perceiving a Phoenix well alight, promptly +extinguished her by means of a convenient watering-pot. + + * * * * * + +"Had you refrained from this uncalled for interference," said the justly +irate Bird, "I should by this time be rising gloriously from my +ashes--instead of presenting the ridiculous appearance of a partially +roasted Fowl!" + + _Note._--I can offer no explanation of this allegory, except to + remind the reader that the Phoenix is the notorious symbol for a + fire insurance.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"Alas!" sighed the Learned Pig, while expiring from inflammation of the +brain, brought on by a laborious endeavour to ascertain the sum of two +and two, "Why, _why_ was I cursed with Intellect?" + + * * * * * + +"I shall know better another time!" gasped the Fish, as he lay in the +Landing-net. + + * * * * * + +A certain Merchant sold a child a sharp sword. "Thou hast done wrong in +this," remonstrated a Sage, "since the child will assuredly wound either +himself or some other." + +"_I_ shall not be responsible," cried the Merchant, "for, in selling the +sword, I did recommend the child to protect the point with a cork!" + + * * * * * + +A certain grain of Millet fell out of a sack in which it was being +carried into the City, and was soon trampled in the dust. + +"I am lost!" cried the Millet-seed. "Yet I do not repine so much for +myself as for those countless multitudes who, deprived of me, are now +doomed to perish miserably of starvation!" + + * * * * * + +"I have given up dancing," said the Tongs, "for they no longer dance +with the Elegance and Grace that were universal in _my_ young days!" + + * * * * * + +"But for the Mercy of Providence," said the Fox, piously, to the Goose +whom he found in a trap that had been set for himself, "our respective +situations might now be reversed!" + + * * * * * + +"She really sang quite nicely," remarked the Cuckoo, after she had been +to hear the Nightingale one evening, "but it's a pity her range is so +sadly limited!" + + * * * * * + +The Mendicant insisted on making his Will: + +"But what hast _thou_ to leave when thou diest?" cried the Scribe. + +"As much as the richest," he replied; "for when I die, I leave the +entire World!" + + _Note._--This is (if not incorrectly translated) a grotesque and + puerile allegation. The veriest tyro is aware that when a + Millionaire hops the twig of his existence, he leaves more behind + him than a mere Mendicant!--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"Forgive me," said the Toad to the Swallow, "but, although you may not +be aware of it, you are flying on totally false principles!" + +"Am I?" said the Swallow meekly. "I'm so sorry! Do you mind showing me +how _you_ do it?" + +"I don't fly myself," said the Toad, with an air of superiority. "I've +other things to do--but I have thoroughly mastered the theory of the +Art." + +"Then teach _me_ the theory!" said the Swallow. + +"Willingly," said the Toad; "my fee--to _you_--will be two worms a +lesson." + + * * * * * + +"I can't bear to think that no one will weep for me when I am gone!" +said the sentimental Fly, as he flew into the eye of a Moneylender. + + _Note.--Cf._ Poet Byron: "'Tis sweet to know there is an eye will + mark Our coming, and look brighter when we come!"--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +A certain Cockatrice, feeling sociably inclined, entered a Mother's +Meeting, bent upon making himself agreeable--but was greatly mortified +to find himself but coldly received. + +"Women _are_ so particular about trifles!" he reflected bitterly. "I +know I said 'Good Afternoon' with my mouth full--but, as I explained, I +had just been lunching at the Infant School!" + + * * * * * + +"I want to be _useful!_" said the Silkworm, as she sat down and "set" a +sock for a Decayed Centipede. + + * * * * * + +A Traveller demanded hospitality from fourteen Kurds, who were occupying +one small tent. + +"Enter freely," said the Kurds, "but we must warn thee that thou wilt +find the atmosphere exceedingly unpleasant--for, by some inadvertence, +we have greased our boots from a jar of Attar of Roses!" + + _Note._--Once more I do not entirely fathom the Fabulist's + meaning--unless it is that such a valuable cosmetic as Attar of + Roses may become so deteriorated as to offend even the nostril organ + of a Kurd.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +A certain Basilisk having attained great success in petrifying all who +came under his personal observation, there was a Scheme set afoot to +present him with some Token of popular esteem and regard. + +"If we give him _anything_" said the Fox, who was consulted as to the +form of the proposed Testimonial, "I would suggest that it should take +the shape of a pair of Smoked Spectacles." + + _Note._--The Satire here, at least, is obvious enough. Smoked + spectacles are a very inexpensive gift.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"How truly the Poet sang that: 'we may rise on stepping-stones of our +dead selves to higher things!'" remarked the Chicken's Merrythought, +when it found itself apotheosised into a Penwiper. + + _Note._--A young lady, that shall be nameless, once presented me + with a very similar penwipe, which represented a Church of England + ecclesiastic in surplice and mortar-cap.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"I shall not have perished in vain!" gasped an altruistic Cockroach, +immediately before expiring from an overdose of Insect Powder, "for, +after this fatality, the Owners of the House will doubtless be more +careful how they leave such stuff about!" + + _Note._--British Cockroaches, however, resemble Emperor Mithridates + in being totally impervious to beetle poison.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +The Sheep was so exceedingly tough and old, that the Wolf had thoughts +of becoming a Vegetarian. + + _Note._--When we see some person attaining Centenarian longevity, we + are foolishly inclined to fancy that, by adopting their diet, we + also are to become Methusalems!--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +A certain Ant that had lost its All owing to the sudden collapse of the +Bank in which its savings were invested, applied to a Grasshopper for a +small temporary advance. + +"I am sorry, dear boy," chirpily replied the Grasshopper, "that, +although I am playing to big business every evening, I have not put by a +single grain. However, I will get up a _matinee_ for your benefit." + +This he did with such success that, next winter, the Ant was once more +sufficiently prosperous to discharge his obligation by offering the +Grasshopper a letter to the Charity Organisation Society! + + _Note._--The application of this is that a kind action is never + really thrown away.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"I never feel quite myself till I've had a good bath!" said the Bird +whom an elderly Lady had purchased from a Street Boy as a Goldfinch. + +And behold, when the Bird came out of its saucer of water, it was a +Sparrow! + + _Note._--Like many Philosophers, Piljosh would seem to have had no + great liking for ablutions. But water which could transform a + Goldfinch into a Sparrow must previously have been enchanted by some + Magician, so that our Parabolist's shaft misses fire in this + instance (as indeed in many others!). Possibly, however, his + Translator has once more proved a Traitor!--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"Pride not yourself upon your Lustre and Symmetry," said the Jet +Ear-ring austerely to the Pearl, "for, after all, you owe your beauty to +nothing but the morbid secretions of a Diseased Oyster!" + +"I am sorry to spoil your moral," retorted the Pearl with much suavity, +"but, like yourself, I happen to be Artificial." + + _Note._--Inhabitants of glassy mansions should not indulge in + lapidation.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"Come!" said the Peacock's Feather proudly to the Fly-flapper and the +Tin Squeaker, as the final illumination flickered out and they lay in +the gutter together, limp and exhausted with their exertions in tickling +and generally exasperating inoffensive strangers. "They may say what +they please--but at least we have shown them that the Spirit of +Patriotism is not yet extinct!" + + _Note._--This must refer to some Cryptic customs prevalent in the + Parabolist's time. But I do not clearly apprehend what connection + either tickling, fly-flapping, or squeaking can have with + Patriotism!--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +LAST WORDS + +Here conclude the Parables of Piljosh, together with the present volume. +That the former can possibly obtain honble mention when compared with +the apologues of Plato, AEsop, Corderius Nepos, or even Confucius, I +cannot for a moment anticipate, and none can be more sensible than my +humble self how very poor a figure they cut in proximity to the +production of my own pen! + +However, indulgent critics will please not saddle my unoffending head +with the responsibility, the fact being that I was vehemently advised +that, without some meretricious padding of this sort, my Romance would +not be of sufficient robustness to produce a boom. + +But should "A Bayard from Bengal" unfortunately fail to render the +Thames combustible, I should rather attribute the cause to its having +been unwisely diluted with such milk and watery material as the Parables +of Piljosh. + +So, leaving the decision to the impartial and unanimous verdict of +popular approval, I subscribe myself, + + The Reader's very obsequious and palpitating Servant, + + HURRY BUNGSHO JABBERJEE, B.A., etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. + + PRINTED BY TURNBULL AND SPEARS, EDINBURGH + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's A Bayard From Bengal, by Hurry Bungsho Jabberjee + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A BAYARD FROM BENGAL *** + +***** This file should be named 36703.txt or 36703.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/6/7/0/36703/ + +Produced by Chris Curnow, Matthew Wheaton and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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