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diff --git a/36703.txt b/36703.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fa5d2d5 --- /dev/null +++ b/36703.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3292 @@ +Project Gutenberg's A Bayard From Bengal, by Hurry Bungsho Jabberjee + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Bayard From Bengal + Being some account of the Magnificent and Spanking Career + of Chunder Bindabun Bhosh,... + +Author: Hurry Bungsho Jabberjee + +Editor: F. Anstey + +Illustrator: Bernard Partridge + +Release Date: July 11, 2011 [EBook #36703] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A BAYARD FROM BENGAL *** + + + + +Produced by Chris Curnow, Matthew Wheaton and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + + + + + + + + +A BAYARD FROM BENGAL + + + [Illustration: EXHORTED HER, WITH AN ELOQUENCE THAT MOVED ALL + PRESENT, TO ABANDON HER FRIVOLITIES AND LEVITIES (Frontispiece)] + + + A BAYARD FROM BENGAL + + BEING SOME ACCOUNT OF THE MAGNIFICENT AND SPANKING CAREER OF + CHUNDER BINDABUN BHOSH, ESQ., B.A., CAMBRIDGE, BY HURRY + BUNGSHO JABBERJEE, B.A., CALCUTTA UNIVERSITY, AUTHOR OF + "JOTTINGS AND TITTLINGS," ETC., ETC., TO WHICH IS APPENDED THE + PARABLES AND PROVERBS OF PILJOSH, FREELY TRANSLATED FROM THE + ORIGINAL STYPTIC BY ANOTHER HAND, WITH INTRODUCTION, NOTES AND + APPENDIX BY THE ABOVE HURRY BUNGSHO JABBERJEE, B.A. + + THE WHOLE EDITED AND REVISED + BY + F. ANSTEY + AUTHOR OF "VICE VERSA," ETC. ETC. + + WITH EIGHT ILLUSTRATIONS BY BERNARD PARTRIDGE + + METHUEN & CO. + 36 ESSEX STREET, W.C. + LONDON + 1902 + + + _Reprinted from_ "PUNCH" + + + + + CONTENTS + + + CHAP. + + I. FROM CALCUTTA TO CAMBRIDGE OVERSEA ROUTE + + II. HOW MR BHOSH DELIVERED A DAMSEL FROM A DEMENTED COW + + III. THE INVOLUNTARY FASCINATOR + + IV. A KICK FROM A FRIENDLY FOOt + + V. THE DUEL TO THE DEATH + + VI. LORD JOLLY IS SATISFIED + + VII. THE ADVENTURE OF THE UNWIELDY GIFTHORSE + + VIII. A RIGHTABOUT FACER FOR MR BHOSH + + IX. THE DARK HORSE + + X. TRUST HER NOT! SHE IS FOOLING THEE! + + XI. STONE WALLS DO NOT MAKE A CAGE + + XII. A RACE AGAINST TIME + + XIII. A SENSATIONAL DERBY STRUGGLE + + XIV. A GRAND FINISH + + * * * * * + + THE PARABLES OF PILJOSH + + + + +PRELIMINARY + + +I have the honour humbly to inform my readers that, after prolonged +consumption of midnight oil, I succeeded in completing this imposing +society novel, which is now, by the indulgence of my friends and kind +fathers, the honble publishers, laid at their feet. + +My inducement to this enterprise was the spectacle of very inferior +rubbish palmed off by so-called popular novelists such as Honbles +Kipling, Joshua Barrie, Antony Weyman, Stanley Hope, and the +collaborative but feminine authoresses of "The Red Thumb in the +Pottage," all of whom profess (very, very incorrectly) to give accurate +reliable descriptions of Indian, English or Scotch episodes. + +The pity of it, that a magnificent and gullible British Public should be +suckled like a babe on such spoonmeat and small beer! + +Would no one arise, inflamed by the pure enthusiasm of his _cacoethes +scribendi_, and write a romance which shall secure the plerophory of +British, American, Anglo-Indian, Colonial, and Continental readers by +dint of its imaginary power and slavish fidelity to Nature? + +And since Echo answered that no one replied to this invitation, I (like +a fool, as some will say) rushed in where angels were apprehensive of +being too bulky to be borne. + +Being naturally acquainted with gentlemen of my own nationality and +education, and also, of course, knowing London and suburban society _ab +ovo usque ad mala_ (or, from the new-laid egg to the stage when it is +beginning to go bad), I decided to take as my theme the adventures of a +typically splendid representative of Young India on British soil, and I +am in earnest hopes to avoid the shocking solecisms and exaggerations +indulged in by ordinary English novelists. + +I have been compelled to take to penmanship of this sort owing to +pressure of _res angusta domi_, the immoderate increase of hostages +to fortune, and proportionate falling off of emoluments from my +profession as Barrister-at-Law. + +Therefore, I hope that all concerned will smile favourably upon my new +departure, and will please kindly understand that, if my English +literary style has suffered any deterioration, it is solely due to my +being out of practice, and such spots on the sun must be excused as mere +flies in ointment. + +After forming my resolution of writing a large novel, I confided it to +my crony, Mr Ram Ashootosh Lall, who warmly recommended me to persevere +in such a _magnum opus_. So I became divinely inflated periodically +every evening from 8 to 12 P.M., disregarding all entreaties from +feminine relatives to stop and indulge in a blow-out on ordinary +eatables, like Archimedes when Troy was captured, who was so engrossed +in writing prepositions on the sand that he was totally unaware that he +was being barbarously slaughtered. + +And at length my colossal effusion was completed, and I had written +myself out; after which I had the indescribable joy and felicity to read +my composition to my mothers-in-law and wives and their respective +progenies and offspring, whereupon, although they were not acquainted +with a word of English, they were overcome by such severe admiration for +my fecundity and native eloquence that they swooned with rapture. + +I am not a superstitious, but I took the trouble to consult a +soothsayer, as to the probable fortunes of my undertaking, and he at +once confidently predicted that my novel was to render all readers dumb +as fishes with sheer amazement and prove a very fine feather in my cap. + +For all the above reasons, I am modestly confident that it will be +generally recognised as a masterpiece, especially when it is remembered +that it is the work of a native Indian, whose 'prentice hand is still a +novice in wielding the _currente calamo_ of fiction. + +I cannot conclude without some allusion to the drawings which are, I +believe, to adorn my work, but which I have not yet been enabled to +inspect, owing to the fact that, having fish of more importance to fry +at the time, I commissioned a certain young English friend (the same who +furnished sundry poetic headings for chapters) to engage a designer for +the pictorial department. + +Needless to say, I intended that he was to award the apple only to some +Royal Academician of distinguished talents--yet at the eleventh hour, +when too late to make other arrangements, I am informed that the job has +been entrusted to a certain Birnadhur Pahtridhji, whose name (though +probably incorrectly transcribed) certainly denotes a draughtsman of +native Indian origin! + +Whether he is fully competent for such a task I cannot at present say. +But, unless he is qualified, like myself, by actual residence in Great +Britain, I fear that he may not possess sufficient familiarity with the +customs and solecisms of English society to avoid at least a few +ludicrous and even lamentable mistakes. + +To guard against such contingencies I shall insert a note or comment +opposite each picture as it is submitted to me, pointing out in what +respects (if any) the artist has failed to represent the author's +intentions. + +I sincerely hope that I may now and then be able to pat the aforesaid Mr +P. on the back instead of acting as a Rhadamanthus to rap his knuckles. + + + + +CHAPTER I + +FROM CALCUTTA TO CAMBRIDGE OVERSEA ROUTE + + At sea the stoutest stomach jerks, + Far, far away from native soil, + When Ocean's heaving waterworks + Burst out in Brobdingnagian boil! + + _Stanza written at Sea, by H. B. J. (unpublished)._ + + +The waves of Neptune erected their seething and angry crests to +incredible altitudes; overhead in fuliginous storm-clouds the thunder +rumbled its terrific bellows, and from time to time the ghastly flare of +lightning illuminated the entire neighbourhood. The tempest howled like +a lost dog through the cordage of the good ship _Rohilkund_ (Captain O. +Williams), which lurched through the vasty deep as though overtaken by +the drop too much. + +At one moment her poop was pointed towards celestial regions; at another +it aimed itself at the recesses of Davey Jones's locker; and such was +the fury of the gale that only a paucity of the ship's passengers +remained perpendicular, and Mr Chunder Bindabun Bhosh was recumbent on +his beam end, prostrated by severe sickishness, and hourly expecting to +become initiated in the Great Secret. + +Bitterly did he lament his hard lines in venturing upon the Black Water, +to be snipped off in the flower of his adolescence, and never again to +behold the beloved visages of his relations! + +So heartrending were his tears and groans that they moved all on board, +and Honble Mr Commissioner Copsey, who was returning on leave, kindly +came to inquire the cause of such vociferous lachrymation. + +"What is the matter, Baboo?" began the Commissioner in paternal tones. +"Why are you kicking up the shindy of such a deuce's own hullabaloo?" + +"Because, honble Sir," responded Mr Bhosh, "I am in lively expectation +that waters will rush in and extinguish my vital spark." + +"Pooh!" said Mr Commissioner, genially. "This is only the moiety of a +gale, and there is not the slightest danger." + +Having received this assurance, Mr Bhosh's natural courage revived, and, +coming up on deck, he braved the tempest with the cool composure of a +cucumber, admonishing all his fellow-passengers that they were not to +give way to panic, seeing that Death was the common lot of all, and, +though everyone must die once, it was an experience that could not be +repeated, with much philosophy of a similar kind which astonished many +who had falsely supposed him to be a pusillanimous. + +The remainder of the voyage was uneventful, and, soon after setting his +feet on British territory, Mr Bhosh became an alumnus and undergraduate +of the _Alma Mater_ of Cambridge. + +I shall not attempt to relate at any great length the history of his +collegiate career, because, being myself a graduate of Calcutta +University, I am not, of course, proficient in the customs and +etiquettes of any rival seminaries, and should probably make one or two +trivial slips which would instantly be pounced upon and held up for +derision by carping critics. + +So I shall content myself with mentioning a few leading facts and +incidents. Mr Bhosh very soon wormed himself into the good graces of his +fellow college boys, and his principal friend and _fidus Achates_ was a +young high-spirited aristocrat entitled Lord Jack Jolly, the only son of +an earl who had lately been promoted to the dignity of a baronetcy. + +Lord Jolly and Mr Bhosh were soon as inseparable as a Daemon and +Pythoness, and, though no nabob to wallow in filthy lucre, Mr Bhosh gave +frequent entertainments to his friends, who were hugely delighted by +the elegance of his hospitality and the garrulity of his conversation. + +Unfortunately the fame of these Barmecide feasts soon penetrated the +ears of the College _gurus_, and Mr Bhosh's _Moolovee_ sent for him and +severely reprimanded him for neglecting to study for his Little-go +degree, and squandering his immense abilities and talents on mere +guzzling. + +Whereupon Mr Bhosh shed tears of contrition, embracing the feet of his +senile tutor, and promising that, if only he was restored to favour he +would become more diligent in future. + +And honourably did he fulfil this _nudum pactum_, for he became a most +exemplary bookworm, burning his midnight candle at both ends in the +endeavour to cram his mind with _belles lettres_. + +But he was assailed by a temptation which I cannot forbear to chronicle. +One evening as he was poring over his learned tomes, who should arrive +but a deputation of prominent Cambridge boatmen and athletics, to +entreat him to accept a stroke oar of the University eight in the +forthcoming race with Oxford College! + +This, as all aquatics will agree, was no small compliment--particularly +to one who was so totally unversed in wielding the flashing oar. But the +authorities had beheld him propelling a punt boat with marvellous +dexterity by dint of a paddle, and, taking the length of his foot on +that occasion, they had divined a Hercules and ardently desired him as a +confederate. + +Mr Bhosh was profoundly moved: "College misters and friends," he said, +"I welcome this invitation with a joyful and thankful heart, as an +honour--not to this poor self, but to Young India. Nevertheless, I am +compelled by _Dira Necessitas_ to return the polite negative. Gladly I +would help you to inflict crushing defeat upon our presumptuous foe, but +'I see a hand you cannot see that beckons me away; I hear a voice you +cannot hear that wheezes "Not to-day!"' In other words, gentlemen, I am +now actively engaged in the Titanic struggle to floor Little-go. It is +glorious to obtain a victory over Oxonian rivals, but, misters, there is +an enemy it is still more glorious to pulverize, and that enemy +is--one's self!" + +The deputation then withdrew with falling crests, though unable to +refrain from admiring the firmness and fortitude which a mere Native +student had nilled an invitation which to most European youths would +have proved an irresistible attraction. + +Nor did they cherish any resentment against Mr Bhosh, even when, in the +famous inter-collegiate race of that year from Hammersmith to Putney, +Cambridge was ingloriously bumped, and Oxford won in a common canter. + + + + +CHAPTER II + +HOW MR BHOSH DELIVERED A DAMSEL FROM A DEMENTED COW + + O Cow! in hours of mental ease + Thou chewest cuds beneath the trees; + But ah! when madness racks thy brow, + An awkward customer art thou! + + _Nature Poem furnished (to order) by young English Friend._ + + +Mr Bhosh's diligence at his books was rewarded by getting through his +Little-go with such _eclat_ that he was admitted to become a +baccalaureate, and further presented with the greatest distinction the +Vice-Chancellor could bestow upon him, viz., the title of a Wooden +Spoon! + +But here I must not omit to narrate a somewhat startling catastrophe in +which Mr Bhosh figured as the god out of machinery. It was on an +afternoon before he went up to pass his Little-go exam, and, since all +work and no play is apt to render any Jack a dull, he was recreating +himself by a solitary promenade in some fields in the vicinity of +Cambridge, when suddenly his startled ears were dumbfounded to perceive +the blood-curdling sound of loud female vociferations! + +On looking up from his reverie, he was horrified by the spectacle of a +young and beauteous maiden being vehemently pursued by an irate cow, +whose reasoning faculties were too obviously, in the words of Ophelia, +"like sweet bells bangled," or, in other words, _non compos mentis_, and +having rats in her upper story! + +The young lady, possessing the start and also the advantage of superior +juvenility, had the precedence of the cow by several yards, and attained +the umbrageous shelter of a tree stem, behind which she tremulously +awaited the arrival of her blood-thirsty antagonist. + +As he noted her jewel-like eyes, profuse hair, and panting bosom, Mr +Bhosh's triangle of flesh[1] was instantaneously ignited by love at +first sight (the intelligent reader will please understand that the +foregoing refers to the maiden and not at all to the cow, which was of +no excessive pulchritude--but I am not to be responsible for the +ambiguities of the English language). + +[1] _Videlicet_: his heart. + +There was not a moment to be squandered; Mr Bhosh had just time to +recommend her earnestly to remain _in statu quo_, before setting off to +run _ventre a terre_ in the direction whence he had come. The distracted +animal, abandoning the female in distress, immediately commenced to +hue-and-cry after our hero, who was compelled to cast behind him his +collegiate cap, like tub to a whale. + +The savage cow ruthlessly impaled the cap on one of its horns, and then +resumed the chase. + +Mr Bhosh scampered for his full value, but, with all his incredible +activity, he had the misery of feeling his alternate heels scorched by +the fiery snorts of the maniacal quadruped. + +Then he stripped from his shoulders his student's robe, relinquishing it +to the tender mercies of his ruthless persecutress while he nimbly +surmounted a gate. The cow only delayed sufficiently to rend the garment +into innumerable fragments, after which it cleared the gate with a +single hop, and renewed the chase after Mr Bhosh's stern, till he was +forced to discard his ivory-headed umbrella to the animal's destroying +fury. + +This enabled him to gain the walls of the town and reach the bazaar, +where the whole population was in consternation at witnessing such a +shuddering race for life, and made themselves conspicuous by their +absence in back streets. + +Mr Bhosh, however, ran on undauntedly, until, perceiving that the +delirious creature was irrevocably bent on running him to earth, he took +the flying leap into the shop of a cheese merchant, where he cleverly +entrenched himself behind the receipt of custom. + +With the headlong impetuosity of a distraught the cow followed, and +charged the barrier with such insensate fury that her horns and +appertaining head were inextricably imbedded in a large tub of margarine +butter. + +At this our hero, judging that the wings of his formidable foe were at +last clipped, sallied boldly forth, and, summoning a police-officer, +gave the animal into custody as a disturber of the peace. + +By such coolness and _savoir faire_ in a distressing emergency he +acquired great _kudos_ in the eyes of all his fellow-students, who +regarded him as the conquering hero. + +Alas and alack! when he repaired to the field to receive the thanks and +praises of the maiden he had so fortunately delivered, he had the +mortification to discover that she had vanished, and left not a wreck +behind her! Nor with all his endeavours could he so much as learn +her name, condition, or whereabouts, but the remembrance of her manifold +charms rendered him moonstruck with the tender passion, and +notwithstanding his success in flooring the most difficult exams, his +bosom's lord sat tightly on its throne, and was not to jump until he +should again (if ever) confront his mysterious fascinator. + + [Illustration: GAVE THE ANIMAL INTO CUSTODY AS A DISTURBER OF THE + PEACE (Illustration II)] + +Having emerged from the shell of his _statu pupillari_ under the +fostering warmth of his Alma Mater, Mr Bhosh next proceeded as a +full-fledged B.A. to the Metropolis, and became a candidate for forensic +honours at one of the legal temples, lodging under the elegant roof of a +matron who regarded him as her beloved son for Rs. 21 per week, and +attending lectures with such assiduity that he soon acquired a nodding +acquaintance with every branch of jurisprudence. + +And when he went up for Bar Exam., he displayed his phenomenal +proficiency to such an extent that the Lord Chancellor begged him to +accept one of the best seats on the Judges' bench, an honour which, to +the best of this deponent's knowledge and belief, has seldom before been +offered to a raw tyro, and never, certainly, to a young Indian student. +However, with rare modesty Mr Bhosh declined the offer, not considering +himself sufficiently ripe as yet to lay down laws, and also desirous of +gathering roses while he might, and mixing himself in first-class +English societies. + +I am painfully aware that such incidents as the above will seem very +mediocre and humdrum to most readers, but I shall request them to +remember that no hero can achieve anything very striking while he is +still a hobbardehoy, and that I cannot--like some popular +novelists--insult their intelligences by concocting cock-and-bull +occurrences which the smallest exercise of ordinary commonsense must +show to be totally incredible. + +By and bye, when I come to deal with Mr Bhosh's experiences in the upper +tenth of London society, with which I may claim to have rather a +profound familiarity, I will boldly undertake that there shall be no +lack of excitement. + +Therefore, have a little patience, indulgent Misters! + + + + +CHAPTER III + +THE INVOLUNTARY FASCINATOR + + Please do not pester me with unwelcome attentions, + Since to respond I have no intentions! + Your Charms are deserving of honourable mentions-- + But previous attachment compels these abstentions! + + "AN UNWILLING WOOED TO HIS WOOER." + + _Original unpublished Poem by H. B. J._ + + +Mr Bhosh was very soon enabled to make his _debut_ as a pleader, for the +_Mooktears_ sent him briefs as thick as an Autumn leaf in Vallambrosa, +and, having on one occasion to prosecute a youth who had embezzled an +elderly matron, Mr Bhosh's eloquence and pathos melted the jury into a +flood of tears which procured the triumphant acquittal of the prisoner. + +But the bow of Achilles (which, as Poet Homer informs us, was his only +vulnerable point) must be untied occasionally, and accordingly Mr Bhosh +occasionally figured as the gay dog in upper-class societies, and was +not long in winning a reputation in smart circles as a champion bounder. + +For he did greet those he met with a pleasant, obsequious affability and +familiarity, which easily endeared him to all hearts. In his appearance +he would--but for a somewhat mediocre stature and tendency to a +precocious obesity--have strikingly resembled the well-known statuary of +the Apollo Bellevue, and he was in consequence inordinately admired by +aristocratic feminines, who were enthralled by the fluency of his small +talk, and competed desperately for the honour of his company at their +"Afternoon-At-Home-Teas." + +It was at one of these exclusive festivities that he first met the +Duchess Dickinson, and (as we shall see hereafter) that meeting took +place in an evil-ominous hour for our hero. As it happened, the +honourable highborn hostess proposed a certain cardgame known as "Penny +Napkin," and fate decreed that Mr Bhosh should sit contiguous to the +Duchess's Grace, who by lucky speculations was the winner of +incalculable riches. + +But, hoity toity! what were his dismay and horror, when he detected that +by her legerdemain in double-dealing she habitually contrived to assign +herself five pictured cards of leading importance! + +How to act in such an unprecedented dilemma? As a chivalrous, it was +repugnant to him to accuse a Duchess of sharping at cards, and yet at +the same time he could not stake his fortune against such a foregone +conclusion! + +So he very tactfully contrived by engaging the Duchess's attention to +substitute his card-hand for hers, and thus effect the exchange which is +no robbery, and she, finally observing his _finesse_, and struck by the +delicacy with which he had so unostentatiously rebuked her duplicity, +earnestly desired his further acquaintance. + +For a time Mr Bhosh, doubtless obeying one of those supernatural and +presentimental monitions which were undreamt of in the Horatian +philosophy, resisted all her advances--but alas! the hour arrived in +which he became as Simpson with Delilah. + +It was at the very summit of the Season, during a brilliantly +fashionable ball at the Ladbroke Hall, Archer Street, Bayswater, whither +all the _elites_ of tip-top London Society had congregated. + +Mr Bhosh was present, but standing apart, overcome with bashfulness at +the paucity of upper feminine apparel and designing to take his +premature hook, when the beauteous Duchess in passing surreptitiously +flung over him a dainty nose-handkerchief deliciously perfumed with +extract of cherry blossoms. + +With native penetration into feminine coquetries he interpreted this as +an intimation that she desired to dance with him, and, though not +proficient in such exercises, he made one or two revolutions round the +room with her co-operation, after which they retired to an alcove and +ate raspberry ices and drank lemonade. Mr Bhosh's sparkling +tittle-tattle completely achieved the Duchess's conquest, for he +possessed that magical gift of the gab which inspired the tender passion +without any connivance on his own part. + +And, although the Duchess was no longer the chicken, having attained her +thirtieth lustre, she was splendidly well preserved; with huge flashing +eyes like searchlights in a face resembling the full moon; of tall +stature and proportionate plumpness; most young men would have been +puffed out by pride at obtaining such a tip-top admirer. + +Not so our hero, whose manly heart was totally monopolised by the image +of the fair unknown whom he had rescued at Cambridge from the savage +clutches of a horned cow, and although, after receiving from the Duchess +a musk-scented postal card, requesting his company on a certain evening, +he decided to keep the appointed tryst, it was only against his will and +after heaving many sighs. + +On reaching the Duchess's palace, which was situated in Pembridge +Square, Bayswater, he had the mortification to perceive that he was by +no means the only guest, since the reception halls were thickly +populated by gilded worldlings. But the Duchess advanced to greet him in +a very kind, effusive manner, and, intimating that it was impossible to +converse with comfort in such a crowd, she led him to a small side-room, +where she seated him on a couch by her side and invited him to +discourse. + +Mr Bhosh discoursed accordingly, paying her several high-flown +compliments by which she appeared immoderately pleased, and discoursed +in her turn of instinctive sympathies, until our hero was wriggling like +an eel with embarrassment at what she was to say next, and at this point +Duke Dickinson suddenly entered and reminded his spouse in rather abrupt +fashion that she was neglecting her remaining guests. + +After the Duchess's departure, Mr Bhosh, with the feelings of an innate +gentleman, felt constrained to make his sincere apologies to his ducal +entertainer for having so engrossed his better half, frankly explaining +that she had exhibited such a marked preference for his society that he +had been deprived of all option in the matter, further assuring his +dukeship that he by no means reciprocated the lady's sentiments, and +delicately recommending that he was to keep a rather more lynxlike eye +in future upon her proceedings. + +To which the Duke, greatly agitated, replied that he was unspeakably +obliged for the caution, and requested Mr Bhosh to depart at once and +remain an absentee for the future. Which our friend cheerfully undertook +to perform, and, in taking leave of the Duchess, exhorted her, with an +eloquence that moved all present, to abandon her frivolities and +levities and adopt a deportment more becoming to her matronly exterior. + +The reader would naturally imagine that she would have been grateful for +so friendly and well-meant a hint--but oh, dear! it was quite the +reverse, for from a loving friend she was transformed into a bitter and +most unscrupulous enemy, as we shall find in forthcoming chapters. + +Truly it is not possible to fathom the perversities of the feminine +disposition! + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +A KICK FROM A FRIENDLY FOOT + + She is a radiant damsel with features fair and fine; + But since betrothed to Bosom's friend she never can be mine! + + _Original Poem by H. B. J. (unpublished)._ + + +Mr Bhosh's bosom-friend, the Lord Jack Jolly, had kindly undertaken to +officiate as his Palinurus and steer him safely from the Scylla to the +Charybdis of the London Season, and one day Lord Jolly arrived at our +hero's apartments as the bearer of an invite from his honble parent the +Baronet, to partake of tiffin at their ancestral abode in Chepstow +Villas, which Bindabun gratefully accepted. + +Arrived at the Jollies' sumptuous interior, a numerous retinue of +pampered menials and gilded flunkies divested Mr Bhosh of his hat and +umbrella and ushered him into the hall of audience. + +"Bhosh, my dear old pal," said Lord Jack, "I have news for you. I am +engaged as a Benedict, and am shortly to celebrate matrimony with a +young goodlooking female--the Princess Petunia Jones." + +"My lord," replied Mr Bhosh, "suffer me to hang around your patrician +neck the floral garland of my humble congratulations." + +"My dear Bhosh," responded the youthful peer of the realm, "I regard you +as more than a brother, and am confident that when my betrothed beholds +your countenance, she will conceive for you a similar lively affection. +But hush! here she comes to answer for herself.... Princess, permit me +to present to you the best and finest friend I possess, Mr Bindabun +Bhosh." + +Mr Bhosh modestly lowered his optics as he salaamed with inimitable +grace, and it was not until he had resumed his perpendicular that he +recognised in the Princess Jones the charming unknown whom he had last +beheld engaged in repelling the assault of a distracted cow! + +Their eyes were no sooner crossed than he knew that she regarded him as +her deliverer, and was consumed by the most ardent affection for him. +But Mr Bhosh repressed himself with heroic magnanimity, for he reflected +that she was the affianced of his dearest friend and that it was +contrary to _bon ton_ to poach another's jam. + +So he merely said; "How do you do? It is a very fine day. I am delighted +to make your acquaintance," and turning on his heels with a profound +curtsey, he left her flabbergasted with mortification. + +But those only who have compressed their souls in the shoe of +self-sacrifice know how devilishly it pinches, and Mr Bhosh's grief was +so acute that he rolled incessantly on his couch while the radiant image +of his divinity danced tantalisingly before his bloodshot vision. + +Eventually he became calmer, and after plunging his fervid body into a +foot-bath, he showed himself once more in society, assuming an air of +meretricious waggishness to conceal the worm that was busily cankering +his internals, and so successful was he that Lord Jack was entirely +deceived by his _vis comica_, and invited him to spend the Autumn up the +country with his respectable parents. + +Mr Bhosh accepted--but when he knew that Princess Petunia was also to be +one of the _amis de la maison_, he was greatly concerned at the prospect +of infallibly reviving her love by his propinquity, and thereby +inflicting the cup of calamity on his best friend. Willingly would he +have imparted the whole truth to his Lordship and counselled him to +postpone the Princess's visit until he, himself, should have +departed--but, ah me! with all his virtue he was not a Roman Palladium +that he should resist the delight of philandery with the radiant queen +of his soul. So he kept his tongue in his cheek. + +However, when they met in the ancient and rural castle he constrained +himself, in conversing with her, to enlarge enthusiastically upon the +excellences of Lord Jack. "What a good, ripping, gentlemanly fellow he +was, and how certain to make a best quality husband!" Princess Jones +listened to these encomiums with tender sighing, while her soft large +orbs rested on Mr Bhosh with ever-increasing admiration. + +No one noticed how, after these elephantine efforts at self-denial, he +would silently slip away and weep salt and bitter tears as he weltered +dolefully on a doormat; nor was it perceived that the Princess herself +was become thin as a weasel with disappointed love. + +Being the ardent sportsman, Mr Bhosh sought to drown his sorrow with +pleasures of the chase. + +He would sally forth alone, with no other armament than a breechloading +rifle, and endeavour to slay the wild rabbits which infested the +Baronet's domains, and sometimes he had the good fortune to slaughter +one or two. Or he would take a Rod and hooks and a few worms, and +angle for salmons; or else he would stalk partridges, and once he even +assisted in a foxhunt, when he easily outstripped all the dogs and +singly confronted Master Reynard, who had turned to bay savagely at his +nose. But Bindabun undauntedly descended from his horse, and, drawing +his hunting dagger, so dismayed the beast by his determined and +ferocious aspect that it turned its tail and fled into some other part +of the country, which earned him the heartfelt thanks from his fellow +Nimrods. + + [Illustration: DISMAYED THE BEAST BY HIS DETERMINED AND FEROCIOUS + ASPECT (Illustration III)] + +Naturally, such feats of arms as these only served to inflame the ardour +of the Princess, to whom it was a constant wonderment that Mr Bhosh did +never, even in the most roundabout style, allude to the fact that he had +saved her life from perishing miserably on the pointed horn of an +enraged cow. + +She could not understand that the Native temperament is too sheepishly +modest to flaunt its deeds of heroism. + +Those who are _au fait_ in knowledge of the world are aware that when +there are combustibles concealed in any domestic interior, there is +always a person sooner or later who will contrive to blow them off; and +here, too, the Serpent of Mischief was waiting to step in with cloven +hoof and play the very deuce. + +It so happened that the Duchess occupied the adjacent bungalow to that +of Baronet Jolly and his lady, with whom she was hail-fellow-well-met, +and this perfidious female set herself to ensnare the confidence of the +young and innocent Princess by discreetly lauding the praises of Mr +Bhosh. + +"What an admirable Indian Crichton! How many rabbits and salmons had he +laid low that week? Truly, she regarded him as a favourite son, and +marvelled that any youthful feminine could prefer an ordinary peer like +Lord Jolly to a Native paragon who was not only a university B.A., but +had successfully passed Bar Exam!" and so forth and so on. + +The princess readily fell into this insidious booby-trap, and confessed +the violence of her attachment, and how she had striven to acquaint Mr +Bhosh with her sentiments but was rendered inarticulate by maidenly +bashfulness. + +"Can you not then slip a love-letter into his hand?" inquired the +Duchess. + +"_Cui bono?_" responded the Princess, sadly. "Seeing that he never +approaches near enough to me to receive such a missive, and I dare not +entrust it to one of my maidens!" + +"Why not to Me?" said the Duchess. "He will not refuse it coming from +myself; moreover, I have influence over him and will soften his heart +towards thee." + +Accordingly the Princess indicted a rather impassioned love-letter, in +which she assured Mr Bhosh that she had divined his secret passion and +fully reciprocated it, also that she was the total indifferent to Lord +Jack, with much other similar matters. + +Having obtained possession of this _litera scripta_, what does the +unscrupulous Duchess next but deliver it _impromptu_ into the hands of +Lord Jack, who, after perusing it, was overcome by uncontrollable wrath +and instantaneously summoned our hero to his presence. + +Here was the pretty kettle of fish--but I must reserve the sequel for +the next chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER V + +THE DUEL TO THE DEATH + + The ordinary valour only works + At those rare intervals when peril lurks; + There is a courage, scarcer far, and stranger, + Which nothing can intimidate but danger. + + _Original Stanza by H. B. J._ + + +No sooner had Mr Bhosh obeyed the summons of Lord Jack, than the latter +not only violently reproached him for having embezzled the heart of his +chosen bride, but inflicted upon him sundry severe kicks from behind, +barbarously threatening to encore the proceeding unless Chunder +instantaneously agreed to meet him in a mortal combat. + +Our hero, though grievously hurt, did not abandon his presence of mind +in his tight fix. Seating himself upon a divan, so as to obviate any +repetition of such treatment, he thus addressed his former friend: "My +dear Jack, Plato observes that anger is an abbreviated form of insanity. +Do not let us fall out about so mere a trifle, since one friend is the +equivalent of many females. Is it my fault that feminines overwhelm me +with unsought affections? Let us both remember that we are men of the +world, and if you on your side will overlook the fact that I have +unwittingly fascinated your _fiancee_, I, on mine, am ready to forget my +unmerciful kickings." + +But Lord Jolly violently rejected such a give-and-take compromise, and +again declared that if Mr Bhosh declined to fight he was to receive +further kicks. Upon this Chunder demanded time for reflection; he was no +bellicose, but he reasoned thus with his soul: "It is not certain that a +bullet will hit--whereas, it is impossible for a kick to miss its mark." + +So, weeping to find himself between a deep sea and the devil of a +kicking, he accepted the challenge, feeling like Imperial Caesar, when +he found himself compelled to climb up a rubicon after having burnt his +boots! + +Being naturally reluctant to kick his brimming bucket of life while +still a lusty juvenile, Mr Bhosh was occupied in lamenting the +injudiciousness of Providence when he was most unexpectedly relieved by +the entrance of his lady-love, the Princess Jones, who, having heard +that her letter had fallen into Lord Jack's hands, and that a sanguinary +encounter would shortly transpire, had cast off every rag of maidenly +propriety, and sought a clandestine interview. + +She brought Bindabun the gratifying intelligence that she was a _persona +grata_ with his lordship's seconder, Mr Bodgers, who was to load the +deadly weapons, and who, at her request, had promised to do so with +cartridges from which the bullets had previously been bereft. + +Such a piece of good news so enlivened Mr Bhosh, that he immediately +recovered his usual serenity, and astounded all by his perfect +nonchalance. It was arranged that the tragical affair should come off in +the back garden of Baronet Jolly's castle, immediately after breakfast, +in the presence of a few select friends and neighbours, among +whom--needless to say--was Princess Petunia, whose lamp-like optics +beamed encouragement to her Indian champion, and the Duchess of +Dickinson, who was now the freehold tenement of those fiendish Siamese +twins--Malice and Jealousy. At breakfast, Mr Bhosh partook freely of all +the dishes, and rallied his antagonist for declining another fowl-egg, +rather wittily suggesting that he was becoming a chicken-hearted. The +company then adjourned to the garden, and all who were non-combatants +took up positions as far outside the zone of fire as possible. + +Mr Bhosh was rejoiced to receive from the above-mentioned Mr Bodgers a +secret intimation that it was the put-up job, and little piece of +allright, which emboldened him to make the rather spirited proposal to +his lordship, that they were to fire--not at the distance of one hundred +paces, as originally suggested--but across the more restricted space of +a nosekerchief. This dare-devilish proposal occasioned a universal +outcry of horror and admiration; Mr Bhosh's seconder, a young +poor-hearted chap, entreated him to renounce his plan of campaign, while +Lord Jack and Mr Bodgers protested that it was downright tomfolly. + +Chunder, however, remained game to his backbone. "If," he ironically +said, "my honble friend prefers to admit that he is inferior in physical +courage to a native Indian who is commonly accredited with a funky +heart, let him apologise. Otherwise, as a challenged, I am the Master of +the Ceremonies. I do not insist upon the exchange of more than one +shoot--but it is the _sine qua non_ that such shoot is to take place +across a nosewipe." + +Upon which his lordship became green as grass with apprehensiveness, +being unaware that the cartridges had been carefully sterilised, but +glueing his courage to the sticky point, he said, "Be it so, you +blood-thirsty little beggar--and may your gore be on your own knob!" + +"It is always barely possible," retorted Mr Bhosh, "that we may _both_ +miss the target!" And he made a secret motion to Mr Bodgers with his +superior eyeshutter, intimating that he was to remember to omit the +bullets. + +But lackadaisy! as Poet Burns sings, the best-laid schemes both of men +and in the mouse department are liable to gang aft--and so it was in the +present instance, for Duchess Dickinson intercepted Chunder Bindabun's +wink and, with the diabolical intuition of a feminine, divined the +presence of a rather suspicious rat. Accordingly, on the diaphanous +pretext that Mr Bodgers was looking faintish and callow, she insisted on +applying a very large smelling-jar to his nasal organ. + +Whether the vessel was charged with salts of superhuman potency, or some +narcotic drug, I am not to inquire--but the result was that, after a +period of prolonged sternutation, Mr Bodgers became impercipient on a +bed of geraniums. + +Thereupon Chunder, perceiving that he had lost his friend in court, +magnanimously said: "I cannot fight an antagonist who is unprovided with +a seconder, and will wait until Mr Bodgers is recuperated." But the +honourable and diabolical duchess nipped this arrangement in the bud. +"It would be a pity," said she, "that Mr Bhosh's fiery ardour should be +cooled by delay. _I_ am capable to load a firearm, and will act as Lord +Jolly's seconder." + +Our hero took the objection that, as a feminine was not legally +qualified to act as seconder in mortal combats, the duel would be +rendered null and void, and appealed to his own seconder to confirm this +_obiter dictum_. + +Unluckily the latter was a poor beetlehead who was in excessive fear of +offending the Duchess, and gave it as his opinion that sex was no +disqualification, and that the Duchess of Dickinson was fully competent +to load the lethal weapons, provided that she knew how. + +Whereupon she, regarding Mr Bhosh with the malignant simper of a fiend, +did not only deliberately fill each pistol-barrel with a bullet from her +own reticule bag, but also had the additional _diablerie_ to extract a +miniature laced _mouchoir_ exquisitely perfumed with cherry-blossoms, +and to say, "Please fire across this. I am confident that it will bring +you good luck." + +And Mr Bhosh recognised with emotions that baffle description the very +counterpart of the nose-handkerchief which she had flung at him months +previously at the aforesaid fashionable Bayswater Ball! Now was our poor +miserable hero indeed up the tree of embarrassment--and there I must +leave him till the next chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + +LORD JOLLY IS SATISFIED + + Ah, why should two, who once were bosom's friends, + Present at one another pistol ends? + Till one pops off to dwell in Death's Abode-- + All on account of Honour's so-called code! + + _Thoughts on Duelling, by H. B. J._ + + +Many a more hackneyed duellist than our unfortunate friend Bhosh might +well have been frightened from his propriety at the prospect of fighting +with genuine bullets across so undersized a nosekerchief as that which +the Duchess had furnished for the fray. + +But Mr Bhosh preserved his head in perfect coolness: "It is indisputably +true," he said, "that I proposed to shoot across a pocketkerchief--but I +am not an effeminate female that I should employ such a lacelike and +flimsy concern as this! As a challenged, I claim my constitutional +right under Magna Charta to provide my own nosewipe." + +And, as even my Lord Jack admitted that this was legally correct, Mr +Bhosh produced a very large handsome nosekerchief in parti-coloured +silks. + +This he tore into narrow strips, the ends of which he tied together in +such a manner that the whole was elongated to an incredible length. +Then, tossing one extremity to his lordship, and retaining the other in +his own hand, he said: "We will fight, if you please, across this--or +not at all!" + +Which caused a working majority of the company, and even Lord Jack Jolly +himself, to burst into enthusiastic plaudits of the ingenuity and +dexterity with which Mr Bhosh had contrived to extricate himself from +the prongs of his Caudine fork. + +The Duchess, however, was knitting her brows into the baleful pattern of +a scowl--for she knew as well as Chunder Bindabun himself that no human +pistol was capable to achieve such a distance! The duel commenced. +His lordship and Mr Bhosh each removed their upper clothings, bared +their arms, and, taking up a weapon, awaited the momentous command to +fire. + + [Illustration: THE BULLET HAD PERFORATED A LARGE CIRCULAR ORIFICE IN + HONBLE BODGER'S HAT (Illustration IV)] + +It was pronounced, and Lord Jolly's pistol was the first to ring the +ambient welkin with its horrid bang. The deadly missile, whistling as it +went for want of thought, entered the door of a neighbouring pigeon's +house and fluttered the dovecot confoundedly. + +Mr Bhosh reserved his fire for the duration of two or three harrowing +seconds. Then he, too, pulled off his trigger, and after the explosion +there was a loud cry of dismay. + +The bullet had perforated a large circular orifice in Honble Bodger's +hat, who, by this time, had returned to self-consciousness! + +"I could not bring myself to snuff the candle of your honble lordship's +existence," said Mr Bhosh, bowing, "but I wished to convince all present +that I am not incompetent to hit a mark." + +And he proceeded to assure Mr Bodger that he was to receive full +compensation for any moral and intellectual damage done to his said hat. + +As for his lordship, he was so overcome by Mr Bhosh's unprecedented +magnanimity that he shed copious tears, and, warmly embracing his former +friend, entreated his forgiveness, vowing that in future their affection +should never again be endangered by so paltry and trivial a cause as the +ficklety of a feminine. Moreover, he bestowed upon Bindabun the blushing +hand of Princess Jones, and very heartily wished him joy of her. + +Now the Princess was the solitary brat of a very wealthy merchant +prince, Honble Sir Monarch Jones, whose proud and palatial storehouses +were situated in the most fashionable part of Camden Town. + +Sir Jones, in spite of Lord Jack's resignation, did not at first regard +Mr Bhosh with the paternal eye of approval, but rather advanced the +objection that the colour of his money was practically invisible. "My +daughter," he said haughtily, "is to have a lakh of rupees on her +nuptials. Have _you_ a lakh of rupees?" + +Bindabun was tempted to make the rather facetious reply that he had, +indeed, a lack of rupees at the present moment. + +Sir Monarch, however, like too many English gentlemen, was totally +incapable of comprehending the simplest Indian _jeu des mots_, and +merely replied. "Unless you can _show_ me your lakh of rupees, you +cannot become my beloved son-in-law." + +So, as Mr Bhosh was a confirmed impecunious, he departed in severe +despondency. However, fortune favoured him, as always, for he made the +acquaintance of a certain Jewish-Scotch, whose cognomen was Alexander +Wallace McAlpine, and who kindly undertook to lend him a lakh of rupees +for two days at interest which was the mere bite of a flea. + +Having thus acquired the root of all evil, Bindabun took it in a +four-wheeled cab and triumphantly exhibited his hard cash to Sir Jones, +who, being unaware that it was borrowed plumage, readily consented that +he should marry his daughter. After which Mr Bhosh honourably restored +the lakh to the accommodating Scotch minus the interest, which he found +it inconvenient to pay just then. + +I am under great apprehensions that my gentle readers, on reading thus +far and no further, will remark: "Oho! then we are already at the +_finis_, seeing that when a hero and heroine are once booked for +connubial bliss, their further proceedings are of very mediocre +interest!" + +Let me venture upon the respectful caution that every cup possesses a +proverbially slippery lip, and that they are by no means to take it as +granted that Mr Bhosh is so soon married and done for. + +Remember that he still possesses a rather formidable enemy in Duchess +Dickinson, who is irrevocably determined to insert a spike in his wheel +of fortune. For a woman is so constituted that she can never forgive an +individual who has once treated her advances with contempt, no matter +how good-humoured such contempt may have been. No, misters, if you +offend a feminine you must look out for her squalls. + +Readers are humbly requested not to toss this fine story aside under the +impression that they have exhausted the cream in its cocoanut. There are +many many incidents to come of highly startling and sensational +character. + + + + +CHAPTER VII + +THE ADVENTURE OF THE UNWIELDY GIFTHORSE + + When dormant lightning is pent in the polished hoofs of a colt, + And his neck is clothed with thunder,--then, horseman, beware of + the bolt! + + _From the Persian, by H. B. J._ + + +In accordance with English usages, Mr Bhosh, being now officially +engaged to the fair Princess Jones, did dance daily attendance in her +company, and, she being passionately fond of equitation, he was +compelled himself to become the Centaur and act as her _cavalier +servant_ on a nag which was furnished throughout by a West End livery +jobber. Fortunately, he displayed such marvellous dexterity and skill as +an equestrian that he did not once sustain a single reverse! + +Truly, it was a glorious and noble sight to behold Bindabun clinging +with imperturbable calmness to the saddle of his steed, as it ambled and +gamboled in so spirited a manner that all the fashionables made sure +that he was inevitably to slide over its tail quarters! But invariably +he returned, having suffered no further inconvenience than the +bereavement of his tall hat, and the heart of Princess Petunia was +uplifted with pride when she saw that her betrothed, in addition to +being a B.A. and barrister-at-law, was also such a rough rider. + +It is _de rigueur_ in all civilised societies to encourage matrimony by +bestowing rewards upon those who are about to come up to the scratch of +such holy estate, and consequently splendid gifts of carriage, +timepieces, tea-caddies, slices of fish, jewels, blotter-cases, +biscuit-caskets, cigar-lights, and pin-cushions were poured forth upon +Mr Bhosh and his partner, as if from the inexhaustibly bountiful horn of +a Pharmacopoeia. + +Last, but not least, one morning appeared a _saice_ leading an unwieldy +steed of the complexion of a chestnut, and bearing an anonymously-signed +paper, stating that said horse was a connubial gift to Mr Bhosh from a +perfervid admirer. + +Our friend Bindabun was like to throw his bonnet over the mills with +excessive joy, and could not be persuaded to rest until he had made a +trial trip on his gifted horse, while the amiable Princess readily +consented to become his companion. + +So, on a balmy and luscious afternoon in Spring, when the mellifluous +blackbirds, sparrows, and other fowls of that ilk were engaged in +billing and cooing on the foliage of innumerable trees and bushes, and +the blooming flowers were blowing proudly on their polychromatic beds, +Mr Bhosh made the ascension of his gifthorse, and titupped by the side +of his betrothed into the Row, the observed of all the observing +masculine and feminine smarties. + +But, hoity-toity! he had not titupped very many yards when the +unwieldy steed came prematurely to a halt and adopted an unruly +deportment. Mr Bhosh inflicted corporal punishment upon its loins with a +golden-headed whip, at which the rebellious beast erected itself upon +its hinder legs until it was practically a biped. + + [Illustration: THE CANTANKEROUS STEED EXECUTED A LEAP WITH + ASTOUNDING AGILITY (Illustration V)] + +Bindabun, although at the extremity of his wits to preserve his saddle +by his firm hold on the bridle-rein, undauntedly aimed a swishing blow +at the head and front of the offending animal, which instantaneously +returned its forelegs to _terra firma_, but elevated its latter end to +such a degree that our hero very narrowly escaped sliding over its neck +by cleverly clutching the saddleback. + +Next, the cantankerous steed executed a leap with astounding agility, +arching its back like a bow, and propelling our poor friend into the air +like the arrow, though by providential luck and management on his part +he descended safely into his seat after every repetition of this +dangerous manoeuvre. + +All things, however, must come to an end at some time, and the unwieldy +quadruped at last became weary of leaping and, securing the complete +control of his bit, did a bolt from the blue. + +Willy nilly was Mr Bhosh compelled to accompany it upon its mad, +unbridled career, while all witnesses freely hazarded the conjecture +that his abduction would be rather speedily terminated by his being left +behind, and I will presume to maintain that a less practical horseman +would long before have become an ordinary pedestrian. + +But Bindabun, although both stirrupholes were untenanted, and he was +compelled to hold on to his steed's mane by his teeth and nails, +nevertheless remained triumphantly in the ascendant. + +On, on he rushed, making the entire circumference of the Park in his +wild, delirious canter, and when the galloping horse once more +reappeared, and Mr Bhosh was perceived to be still snug on his saddle, +the spectators were unable to refrain from heartfelt joy. + +A second time the incorrigible courser careered round the Park on his +thundering great hoofs, and still our heroic friend preserved his +equilibrium--but, heigh-ho! I have to sorrowfully relate that, on his +third circuit, it was the different pair of shoes--for the headstrong +animal, abstaining from motion in a rather too abrupt manner, propelled +Mr Bhosh over its head with excessive velocity into the elegant interior +of a victoria-carriage. + +He alighted upon a great dame who had maliciously been enjoying the +spectacle of his predicament, but who now was forced to experience the +crushing repartee of his _tu quoque_, for such a forcible collision with +his person caused her not only two blackened optics but irremediable +damage to the leather of her nose. + +The pristine beauty of her features was irrecoverably dismantled, while +Mr Bhosh--thanks to his landing on such soft and yielding +material--remained intact and able to return to his domicile in a +four-wheeled cab. + +Beloved reader, however sceptical thou mayest be, thou wilt infallibly +admire with me the inscrutable workings of Nemesis, when thou learnest +that the aforesaid great lady was no other than the Duchess of +Dickinson, and (what is still more wonderful) that it was she who had +insidiously presented him with such a fearful gift of the Danaides as an +obstreperous and unwieldy steed! + +Truly, as poet Shakespeare sagaciously observes, there is a divinity +that rough-hews our ends, however we may endeavour to preserve their +shapeliness! + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + +A RIGHTABOUT FACER FOR MR BHOSH + + Halloo! at a sudden your love warfare is changed! + Your dress is changed! Your address is changed! + Your express is changed! Your mistress is changed! + Halloo! at a sudden your funny fair is changed! + + _A song sung by Messengeress Binda before Krishnagee_ + _Dr. Ram Kinoo Dutt (of Chittagong)._ + + +Those who are _au faits_ in the tortoise involutions of the feminine +disposition will hear without astonishment that Duchess Dickinson--so +far from being chastened and softened by the circumstance that the curse +she had launched at Mr Bhosh's head had returned, like an illominous +raven, to roost upon her own nose and irreparably destroy its +contour--was only the more bitterly incensed against him. + +Instead of interring the hatchet that had flown back, as if it were that +fabulous volatile the boomerang, she was in a greater stew than ever, +and resolved to leave no stone unturned to trip him up. But what trick +to play, seeing that all the honours were in Mr Bhosh's hands? + +She could not officiate as Marplot to discredit him in the affections of +his lady-love, since the Princess was too severely enamoured to give the +loan of her ear to any sibillations from a snake in grass. + +How else, then, to hinder his match? At this she was seized with an idea +worthy of Maccaroni himself. She paid a complimentary visit to the +Princess, arrayed in the sheepish garb of a friend, and contrived to +lure the conversation on to the vexed question of prying into futurity. + +Surely, she artfully suggested, the Princess at such a momentous epoch +of her existence had, of course, not neglected the sensible precaution +of consulting some competent soothsayer respecting the most propitious +day for her nuptials with the accomplished Mr Bhosh?... + +What, had she omitted to pop so important a question? How incredibly +harebrained! Fortunately, there was yet time to do the needful, and she +herself would gladly volunteer to accompany the Princess on such an +errand. + +Princess Petunia fell a ready victim into the jaws of this diabolical +booby-trap and inquired the address and name of the cleverest +necromancer, for it is matter of notoriety that London ladies are quite +as superstitious and addicted to working the oracle as their native +Indian sisters. + +The Duchess replied that the Astrologer-Royal was a _facile princeps_ at +uttering a prediction, and accordingly on the very next day she and the +Princess, after disguising themselves, set forth on the summit of a +tramway 'bus to the Observatory Temple of Greenwich, where, after first +propitiating the prophet by offerings, they were ushered into a +darkened inner chamber. Although they were strictly _pseudo_, he at once +informed them of their genuine cognomens, and also told them much +concerning their past of which they had hitherto been ignorant. + +And to the Princess he said, stroking the long and silvery hairs of his +beard, "My daughter, I foresee many calamities which will inevitably +befall thee shouldest thou marry before the day on which the bridegroom +wins a certain contest called the Derby with a horse of his own." + +The gentle Petunia departed melancholy as a gib cat, since Mr Bhosh was +not the happy possessor of so much as a single racing-horse of any +description, and it was therefore not feasible that he should become +entitled to wear the _cordon bleu_ of the turf in his buttonhole on his +wedding day! + +With many sighs and tears she imparted her piece of news to the +horror-stricken ears of our hero, who earnestly assured her that it was +contrary to commonsense and _bonos mores_, to attach any importance +to the mere _ipse dixit_ of so antiquated a charlatan as the +Astrologer-Royal, who was utterly incapable--except at very long +intervals--to bring about even such a simple affair as an eclipse which +was visible from his own Observatory! + + [Illustration: 'MY DAUGHTER, I FORESEE MANY CALAMITIES WHICH WILL + INEVITABLY BEFALL THEE' (Illustration VI)] + +However, the Princess, being a feminine, was naturally more prone to +puerile credulities, and very solemnly declared that nothing would +induce her to kneel by Mr Bhosh's side at the torch of Hymen until he +should first have distinguished himself as a Derby winner. + +Whereat Mr Bhosh, perceiving that the date of his nuptial ceremony was +become a _dies non_ in a Grecian calendar, did wring his hands in a bath +of tears. + +Alas! he was totally unaware that it was his implacable enemy, the +Duchess Dickinson, who had thus upset his apple-cart of felicity--but so +it was, for by a clandestine bribe, she had corrupted the +Astrologer-Royal--a poor, weak, very avaricious old chap--to trump out +such a disastrous prediction. + +Some heroes in this hard plight would have thrown up the leek, but Mr +Bhosh was stuffed with sterner materials. He swore a very long oath by +all the gods that he had ceased to believe in, that sooner or later, by +crook or hook, he would win the Derby race, though entirely destitute of +horseflesh and very ill able to afford to purchase the most mediocre +quadruped. + +Here some sporting readers will probably object! Why could he not enlist +his unwieldy gifthorse among Derby candidates and so hoist the Duchess +on the pinnacle of her own petard? + +To which I reply: Too clever by halves, Misters! _Imprimis_, the steed +in question was of far too ferocious a temperament (though undeniably +swift-footed) ever to become a favourite with Derby judges; secondly, +after dismounting Mr Bhosh, it had again taken to its heels and departed +into the Unknown, nor had Mr Bhosh troubled himself to ascertain its +private address. + +But fortune favours the brave. It happened that Mr Bhosh was one day +promenading down the Bayswater Road when he was passed by a white horse +drawing a milk chariot with unparalleled velocity, outstripping +omnibuses, waggons, and even butcher-carts in its wind-like progress, +which was unguided by any restraining hand, for the milk-charioteer +himself was pursuing on foot. + +His natural puissance in equine affairs enabled Mr Bhosh to infer that +the steed which could cut such a record when handicapped with a cumbrous +dairy chariot would exhibit even greater speed if in _puris +naturalibus_, and that it might even not improbably carry off first +prize in the Derby race. + +So, as the milk-charioteer ran up, overblown with anxiety, to learn the +result of his horse's escapade, Mr Bhosh stopped him to inquire what he +would take for such an animal. + +The dairy-vendor, rather foolishly taking it for granted that horse and +cart were gone concerns, thought he was making the good stroke of +business in offering the lot for a twenty-pound note. + +"I have done with you!" cried Mr Bhosh sharply, handing over the +purchase-money, which he very fortunately chanced to have about him, and +galloping off to inspect his bargain, which was like buying a pig after +once poking it in the ribs. + +In what condition he found it I must leave you to learn, my dear +readers, in an ensuing chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER IX + +THE DARK HORSE + + Full many a mare with coat of milkiest sheen, + Is dyed in dark unfathomed coal mines drab; + Full many a flyer's born to blush unseen, + And waste her swiftness on a hansom cab. + + _Lines to order by a young English friend, who swears they + are original. But I regard them as an unconscious + plagiarism from Poet Young's "Eulogy of a Country + Cemetery." H. B. J._ + + It is a gain, a precious, let me gain! let me gain! + Oh, Potentate! Oh, Potentate! + The shower of thine secret shoe-dust + Oh, Potentate! Oh, Potentate! + + _Dr. Ram Kinoo Dutt_ (_of Chittagong_). + + +We left Mr Bhosh in full pursuit of the runaway horse and milk-chariot +which he had so spiritedly purchased while still _en route_. After +running a mile or two, he was unspeakably rejoiced to find that the +equipage had automatically come to a standstill and was still in prime +condition--with the exception of the lacteal fluid, which had made its +escape from the pails. + +Bindabun, however, was not disposed to weep for long over spilt milk, +and had the excessive magnanimity to restore the chariot and pails to +the dairy merchant, who was beside himself with gratitude. + +Then, Mr Bhosh, with a joyful heart, having detached his purchase from +the shafts, conducted it in triumph to his domicile. It turned out to be +a mare, white as snow and of marvellous amiability; and, partly because +of her origin, and partly from her complexion, he christened her by the +appellation of _Milky Way_. + +Although perforce a complete ignoramus in the art of educating a horse +to win any equine contest, Mr Bhosh's nude commonsense told him that the +first step was to fatten his rather too filamentous pupil with corn and +similar seeds, and after a prolonged course of beanfeasts he had the +gratification to behold his mare filling out as plump as a dumpling. + +As he desired her to remain the dark horse as long as possible, he +concealed her in a small toolshed at the end of the garden, ministering +to her wants with his own hands, and conducting her for daily nocturnal +constitutionals several times round the central grass-patch. + +For some time he refrained from mounting--"fain would he climb but that +he feared to fall," as Poet Bunyan once scratched with a diamond on +Queen Anne's window; but at length, reflecting that if nothing ventures +nothing is certain to win, he purchased a padded saddle with appendages, +and surmounted _Milky Way_, who, far from regarding him as an +interloper, appeared gratified by his arrival, and did her utmost to +make him feel thoroughly at home. + +The next step was, of course, to obtain permission from the pundits who +rule the roast of the Jockey Club, that _Milky Way_ might be allowed to +compete in the approaching Derby. + +Now this was a more delicately ticklish matter than might be supposed, +owing to the circumstance that the said pundits are such warm men, and +so well endowed with this world's riches that they are practically +non-corruptible. + +Fortunately, Mr Bhosh, as a dabster in English composition, was a +pastmaster in drawing a petition, and, sitting down, he constructed the +following:-- + + TO THOSE MOST WORSHIPFUL BIGHEADS IN CONTROL OF JOCKEYS CLUB. + + BENIGN PERSONAGES! + + This Petition humbly sheweth: + + (1.) That your Petitioner is a native Indian Cambridge B.A., a + Barrister-at-law, and a most loyal and devoted subject of Her + Majesty the QUEEN-EMPRESS. + + (2.) That it is of excessive importance to him, for private + reasons, that he should win a Derby Race. + + (3.) That such a famous victory would be eminently popular with all + classes of Indian natives, and inordinately increase their affection + for British rule. + + (4.) That for some time past your Petitioner has been diligently + training a quadruped which he fondly hopes may gain a victory. + + (5.) That said quadruped is a member of the fair sex. + + (6.) That she is a female horse of very docile disposition, but, + being only recently extracted from shafts of dairy chariot, is a + total neophyte in Derby racing. + + (7.) That your lordships may direct that she is to be kindly + permitted to try her luck in this world-famous competition. + + (8.) That it would greatly encourage her to exhibit topmost speed if + she could be allowed to start running a few minutes previously to + older stagers. + + (9.) That if this is unfortunately contrary to regulations, then the + Judge should receive secret instructions to look with a favourable + eye upon the said female horse (whose name is _Milky Way_) and award + her first prize, even if by any chance she may not prove quite so + fast a runner as more professional hacks: + + And your Petitioner will ever pray on bended knees that so truly + magnificent an institution as the Epsom Derby Course may never be + suppressed on grounds of encouraging national vice of gambling and + so forth. Signed, &c. + +The wording of the above proved Mr Bhosh's profound acquaintance with +the human heart, for it instantaneously attained the desired end. + +The Honble Stewards returned a very kind answer, readily consenting to +receive _Milky Way_ as a candidate for Derby honours, but regretting +that it was _ultra vires_ to concede her a few minutes' start, and +intimating that she must start with a scratch in company with all the +other horses. + +Bindabun was not in the least degree cast down or depressed by this +refusal of a start, since he had not entertained any sanguine hope that +it would be granted, and had only inserted it to make insurance doubly +sure, for he was every day more confident that _Milky Way_ was to win, +even though obliged to step off with the rank and file. + + + + +CHAPTER X + +TRUST HER NOT! SHE IS FOOLING THEE! + + As the Sunset flames most fiery when snuffed out by sudden night; + As the Swan reserves its twitter till about to hop the twig; + As the Cobra's head swells biggest just before he does his bite; + So a feminine smiles her sweetest ere she gives her nastiest dig. + + _Satirical Stanza (unpublished) by H. B. J._ + + +Now that our hero had obtained that the name of _Milky Way_ was to be +inscribed on the Golden Book of Derby candidates, his next proceeding +was to hire a practical jockey to assume supreme command of her. + +And this was no simple matter, since practical jockeys are usually hired +many weeks beforehand, and demand handsome wages for taking their seats. +But at last, after protracted advertisements, Mr Bhosh had the good +fortune to pitch upon a perfect treasure, whose name was Cadwallader +Perkin, and who, for his riding in some race or other, had been awarded +a whole year's holiday by the stewards who had observed the paramountcy +of his horsemanship. + +No sooner had Perkin inspected _Milky Way_ than he was quite in love +with his stable companion, and assured his employer that, with more +regular out-of-door exercise, she would be easily competent to win the +Derby on her head, whereupon Mr Bhosh consented that she should be +galloped after dark round the inner circle of Regent's Park, which is +chiefly populated at such a time by male and female bicyclists. + +But in order to pay Perkins charges, and also provide a silken jockey +tunic and cap of his own racing colours (which were cream and sky-blue), +Mr Bhosh was compelled to borrow more money from Mr McAlpine, who, as +a Jewish Scotch, exacted the rather exorbitant interest of sixty per +centum. + +It leaked out in some manner that _Milky Way_ was a coming Derby +favourite, and the property of a Native young Indian sportsman, whose +entire fortunes depended on her success, and soon immense multitudes +congregated in Regent's Park to witness her trials of speed, and cheered +enthusiastically to behold the fiery sparks scintillating from the +stones as she circumvented the inner circle in seven-leagued boots. + +Mr Bhosh of course asseverated that she was a very mediocre sort of +mare, and that he did not at all expect that she would prove a winner, +but connoisseurs nevertheless betted long odds upon her success, and +Bindabun himself, though not a speculative, did put on the pot himself +upon the golden egg which he was so anxiously hatching. + +One evening amongst those who were gathered to view the nocturnal +exercises of _Milky Way_ there appeared a feminine spectator of rather +sinister aspect, in a thick veil and a victoria-carriage. + +It was no other than Duchess Dickinson, who had somehow learnt how +courageously Mr Bhosh was endeavouring to fulfil the Astrologer-Royal's +prediction, and who had come to ascertain whether his mare was indeed +such a paragon of celerity as had been represented. + +The very first time that _Milky Way_ cantered past with the gait of a +streak of lightning, the Duchess realised with a sinking heart that Mr +Bhosh must indubitably succeed at the Derby--_unless he was prevented_. + +But how to achieve this? Her womanly instinct told her that Cadwallader +Perkin was far too inexperienced to resist for long such mature and +ripened charms as hers--even though the latter were unfortunately +discounted by the accidental nose-flattening. + +So, lowering her veil till only her eyes were visible above, she waited +till he passed once more, then flung him such a liquid and flashing +glance from her starry and now no longer discoloured optics that the +young jockey, who was of an excessively susceptible disposition, all +but fell off the saddle with emotion, like a very juvenile bird under +serpentine observation. + +"He is mine!" said the unscrupulous Duchess internally, laughing up her +sleeve at such a proof of her fascinations, "mine! mine!" + +She had too much intelligence and mother-wit, however, to take any steps +until Mr Bhosh should be safely out of the way--and how to accomplish +his removal? + +As an acquaintance with the above-mentioned usurer, McAlpine, she was +aware that he had advanced large loans to Mr Bhosh, and so she laid her +plans and bided her time. + +There soon remained only one day before that carnival of all sporting +saturnalians, the Epsom Derby day, and Bindabun formed the prudent +resolution to avoid any delays or crushings by putting _Milky Way_ into +a railway box, and despatching her to Epsom on the previous afternoon, +under the chaperonage of Cadwallader Perkin, who was to engage suitable +lodgings for her in the vicinity of the course. + +But just as Bindabun was approaching the booking hole of Victoria +terminus to take a horse-ticket, lo and behold! he was rapped on the +shoulder by a couple of policemen, who civilly inquired whether his name +was not Bhosh. + +He replied that it was, and that he was the lucky proprietor of a female +horse who was infallibly destined to win the Derby, and that he was even +now proceeding to purchase her travelling ticket. But the policemen +insisted that he must first discharge the full amount of his debt and +costs to Mr McAlpine, who had commenced a law-suit. + +"It is highly inconvenient to pay now," replied our hero, "I will settle +up after receiving my Derby Stakes." + +"We are infernally sorry," said the constables, "but we have +instructions to imprison you until the amount is stumped up, and +anything you say now will be taken down and used against you at your +trial." + +Mr Bhosh remained _sotto voce_; and as he was being led off with gyves +upon his wrists, like Aram the usher, whom should he behold but the +Duchess of Dickinson! + +Like all truly first-class heroes, he was of a generous, confiding +nature, and his head was not for a moment entered by the suspicion that +the Duchess could still cherish any ill feelings towards him. "I am +sincerely sorry," he said with good-humoured gallantry, "to observe that +your ladyship's nose-leather is still in such bad repair. I was riding a +rather muscular steed that afternoon, and could not thoroughly control +my movements." + +She suavely responded that she was proud to have been the means of +breaking his fall. + +"Not only my fall--but your own nose!" retorted Mr. Bhosh +sympathetically. "A sad pity! Fortunately, at your time of life such +disfigurements are of no consequence. I, myself, am now in the pretty +pickle." + +And he explained how he had been arrested for debt, at the very moment +when he had an appointment to meet his mare and jockey and see them +safely off by the Epsom train. + +"Do not trouble about that," said the Duchess. "Hand me your purse, and +I myself will meet them and do the needful on your behalf. I have +interest with this Mr McAlpine and will intercede that you are let +out immediately." + +Mr Bhosh kissed her hand as he handed over his said purse. "This is, +indeed, a noble return for my coldheartedness," he said, "and I am even +more sorry than before that I should have involuntarily dilapidated so +exquisite a nose." + +"Pray do not mention it," replied the Duchess, with the baleful simper +of a Sphynx, and Mr Bhosh departed for his durance vile with a mind +totally free from misgivings. + + + + +CHAPTER XI + +STONE WALLS DO NOT MAKE A CAGE + + Oh, give me back my Arab steed, I cannot ride alone! + Or tell me where my Beautiful, my four-legged bird has flown. + 'Twas here she arched her glossy back, beside the fountain's brink, + And after that I know no more--but I came off, I think. + + _More so-called original lines by aforesaid young English + friend. But I have the shrewd suspicion of having + read them before somewhere.--H. B. J._ + + +And now, O gentle and sympathetic reader, behold our unfortunate hero +confined in the darkest bowels of the Old Bailey Dungeon, for the mere +crime of being an impecunious! + +Yes, misters, in spite of all your boasted love of liberty and fresh +air, imprisonment for debt is still part of the law of the land! How +long will you deafen your ears to the pitiable cry of the bankrupt as he +pleads for the order of his discharge? Perhaps it has been reserved for +a native Indian novelist to jog the elbow of so-called British +jurisprudence, and call its attention to such a shocking scandal. + +Mr Bhosh found his prison most devilishly dull. Some prisoners have been +known to beguile their captivity by making pets or playmates out of most +unpromising materials. For instance, and _exempli gratia_, Mr Monty +Christo met an abbey in his dungeon, who gave him a tip-top education; +Mr Picciola watered a flower; the Prisoner of Chillon made chums of his +chains; while Honble Bruce, as is well-known, succeeded in taming a +spider to climb up a thread and fall down seven times in succession. + +But Mr Bhosh had no spider to amuse him, and the only flowers growing in +his dungeon were toadstools, which do not require to be watered, nor did +there happen to be any abbey confined in the Old Bailey at the time. + +Nevertheless, he was preserved from despair by his indomitable native +chirpiness. For was not _Milky Way_ a dead set for the Derby, and when +she came out at the top of the pole, would he not be the gainer of +sufficient untold gold to pay all his debts, besides winning the hand of +Princess Petunia? + +He was waited upon by the head gaoler's daughter, a damsel of +considerable pulchritude by the name of Caroline, who at first regarded +him askance as a malefactor. + +But, on learning from her parent that his sole offence was insuperable +pennilessness, her tender heart was softened with pity to behold such a +young gentlemanly Indian captive clanking in bilboes, and soon they +became thick as thieves. + +Like all the inhabitants of Great Britain, her thoughts were entirely +engrossed with the approaching Derby Race, and she very innocently +narrated how it was matter of common knowledge that a notorious +grandame, to wit the fashionable Duchess of Dickinson, had backed +heavily that _Milky Way_ was to fail like the flash of a pan. + +Whereupon Mr Bhosh, recollecting that he had actually entrusted his +invaluable mare with her concomitant jockey to the mercy of this +self-same Duchess, was harrowed with sudden misgivings. + +By shrewd cross-questions he soon eliminated that Mr McAlpine was a +pal of the Duchess, which she had herself admitted at the Victoria +terminus, and thus by dint of penetrating instinct, Mr Bhosh easily +unravelled the tangled labyrinth of a hideous conspiracy, which caused +him to beat his head vehemently against the walls of his cell at the +thought of his utter impotentiality. + +Like all feminines who were privileged to make his acquaintance, Miss +Caroline was transfixed with passionate adoration for Bindabun, whom she +regarded as a gallant and illused innocent, and resolved to assist him +to cut his lucky. + +To this end she furnished him with a file and a silken ladder of her own +knitting--but unfortunately Mr Bhosh, having never before undergone +incarceration, was a total neophyte in effecting his escape by such +dangerous and antiquated procedures, which he firmly declined to employ, +urging her to sneak the paternal keybunch and let him out at daybreak by +some back entrance. + +And, not to crack the wind of this poor story while rendering it as +short as possible, she yielded to his entreaties and contrived to +restore him to the priceless boon of liberty the next morning at about 5 +A.M. + +Oh, the unparalleled raptures of finding himself once more free as a +bird! + +It was the dawn of the Derby Day, and Mr Bhosh precipitated himself to +his dwelling, intending to array himself in all his best and go down to +Epsom, where he was in hopes of encountering his horse. Heyday! What was +his chagrin to see his jockey, Cadwallader Perkin, approach with +streaming eyes, fling himself at his master's feet and implore him to be +merciful! + +"How comes it, Cadwallader," sternly inquired Mr Bhosh, "that you are +not on the heath of Epsom instead of wallowing like this on my shoes?" + +"I do not know," was the whimpered response. + +"Then pray where is my Derby favourite, _Milky Way_?" demanded Bindabun. + +"I cannot tell," wailed out the lachrymose juvenile. Then, after +prolonged pressure, he confessed that the Duchess had met him at the +station portals, and, on the plea that there was abundance of spare time +to book the mare, easily persuaded him to accompany her to the buffet of +Refreshment-room. + +There she plied him with a stimulant which jockeys are proverbially +unable to resist, viz., brandy-cherries, in such profusion that he +promptly became catalyptic in a corner. + +When he returned to sobriety neither the Duchess nor the mare was +perceptible to his naked eye, and he had been searching in vain for them +ever since. + +It was the time not for words, but deeds, and Mr Bhosh did not indulge +in futile irascibility, but sat down and composed a reply wire to the +Clerk of Course, Epsom, couched in these simple words: "Have you seen my +Derby mare?--BHOSH." + +After the suspense of an hour the reply came in the discouraging form of +an abrupt negative, upon which Mr Bhosh thus addressed the abashed +Perkin: "Even should I recapture my mare in time, you have proved +yourself unworthy of riding her. Strip off your racing coat and cap, and +I will engage some more reliable equestrian." + +The lad handed over the toggery, which Bindabun stuffed, being of very +fine silken tissue, into his coat pocket, after which he hurried off to +Victoria in great agitation to make inquiries. + +There the officials treated his modest requests in very off-handed +style, and he was becoming all of a twitter with anxiety and +humiliation, when, _mirabile dictu!_ all of a sudden his ears were +regaled by the well-known sound of a whinny, and he recognised the +beloved voice of _Milky Way_! + +But whence did it proceed? He ran to and fro in uncontrollable +excitement, endeavouring to locate the sound. There was no trace of a +horse in any of the waiting-rooms, but at length he discovered that his +mare had been locked up in the Left-Luggage department, and, summoning a +porter, Mr Bhosh had at last the indescribable felicity to embrace his +kidnapped Derby favourite _Milky Way_! + + + + +CHAPTER XII + +A RACE AGAINST TIME + + There's a certain old Sprinter; you've got to be keen, + If you'd beat him--although he is bald, + And he carries a clock and a mowing-machine. + On the cinderpath "Tempus" he's called. + + _Stanza written to order by young English friend, + but (I fear) copied from Poet Tennyson._ + + +Ah! with what perfervid affection did Mr Bhosh caress the neck of his +precious horse! How carefully he searched her to make sure that she had +sustained no internal poisonings or other dilapidations! + +Thank goodness! He was unable to detect any flaw within or without--the +probability being that the crafty Duchess did not dare to commit such a +breach of decorum as to poison a Derby favourite, and thought to +accomplish her fell design by leaving the mare as lost luggage and +destroying the ticket-receipt. + +But old Time had already lifted the glass to his lips, and the contents +were rapidly running down, so Mr Bhosh, approaching a railway director, +politely requested him to hook a horse-box on to the next Epsom train. + +What was his surprise to hear that this could not be done until all +Derby trains had first absented themselves! With passionate volubility +he pleaded that, if such a law of Medes and Persians was to be insisted +on, _Milky Way_ would infallibly arrive at Epsom several hours too late +to compete in the Derby race, in which she was already morally +victorious--until at length the official relented, and agreed to do the +job for valuable consideration in hard cash. + +Lackadaisy! after excavating all his pockets, our unhappy hero could +only fork out wherewithal enough for third-class single ticket for +himself, and he accordingly petitioned that his mare might travel as +baggage in the guard's van. + +I am not to say whether the officials at this leading terminus were all +in the pay of the Duchess, since I am naturally reluctant to advance so +serious a charge against such industrious and talented parties, but it +is _nem. con._ that Mr Bhosh's very reasonable request was nilled in +highly offensive cut-and-dried fashion, and he was curtly recommended to +walk himself and his horse off the platform. + +_Que faire?_ How was it humanly possible for any horse to win the Derby +race without putting in an appearance? And how was _Milky Way_ to put in +her appearance if she was not allowed access to any Epsom train? A less +wilful and persevering individual than Mr Bhosh would have certainly +succumbed under so much red-tapery, but it only served to arouse +Bindabun's monkey. + +"How far is the distance to Epsom?" he inquired. + +"Fourteen miles," he was answered. + +"And what o'clock the Derby race?" + +"About one P.M." + +"And it is now just the middle of the day!" exclaimed Bindabun. "Very +well, since it seems _Milky Way_ is not to ride in the railway, she +shall cover the distance on shank's mare, for I will ride her to Epsom +in _propria persona_!" + + [Illustration: THE ROAD WAS CHOCKED FULL WITH EVERY DESCRIPTION OF + CONVEYANCE (Illustration VII)] + +So courageous a determination elicited loud cheers from the bystanders, +who cordially advised him to put his best legs foremost as he mounted +his mettlesome crack, and set off with broken-necked speed for Epsom. + +I must request my indulgent readers to excuse this humble pen from +depicting the horrors of that wild and desperate ride. Suffice it to say +that the road was chocked full with every description of conveyance, and +that Mr Bhosh was haunted by two terrible apprehensions, viz., that he +might meet with some shocking upset, and that he should arrive the day +after the fair. + +As he urged on his headlong career, he was constantly inquiring of the +occupants of the various vehicles if he was still in time for the Derby, +and they invariably hallooed to him that if he desired to witness the +spectacle he was to buck himself up. + +Mr Bhosh bucked himself up to such good purpose that, long before the +clock struck one, his eyes were gladdened by beholding the summit of +Epsom grand stand on the distant hill-tops. + +Leaning himself forward, he whispered in the shell-like ear of _Milky +Way_: "Only one more effort, and we shall have preserved both our +bacons!" + +But, alas! he had the mortification to perceive that the legs of _Milky +Way_ were already becoming tremulous from incipient grogginess. + + * * * * * + +And now, beloved reader, let me respectfully beg you to imagine yourself +on the Epsom Derby Course immediately prior to the grand event. What a +marvellous human farrago! All classes hobnobbing together +higgledy-piggledy; archbishops with acrobats; benchers with bumpkins; +counts with candlestickmakers; dukes with druggists; and so on through +the entire alphabet. Some spectators in carriages; others on _terra +firma_; flags flying; bands blowing; innumerable refreshment tents +rearing their heads proudly into the blue Empyrean; policemen gazing +with smiling countenances on the happy multitudes when not engaged in +running them in. + +Now they are conducting the formality of weighing the horses, to see if +they are qualified as competitors for the Derby Gold Cup, and each +horse, as it steps out of the balancing scales and is declared eligible, +commences to prance jubilantly upon the emerald green turf. + +(_N.B._-The writer of above realistic description has never been +actually present at any Derby Race, but has done it all entirely from +assiduous cramming of sporting fictions. This is surely deserving of +recognition from a generous public!) + +Now follows a period of dismay--for _Milky Way_, the favourite of high +and low, is suddenly discovered to be still the dark horse! The only +person who exhibits gratification is the Duchess Dickinson, who makes +her entrance into the most fashionable betting ring and, accosting a +leading welsher, cries in exulting accents: "I will bet a million to a +monkey against _Milky Way_!" + +Even the welsher himself is appalled by the enormity of such a stake and +earnestly counsels the Duchess to substitute a more economical wager, +but she scornfully rejects his well-meant advice, and with a trembling +hand he inscribes the bet in his welching book. + +No sooner has he done so than the saddling bell breaks forth into a +joyous chime, and the crowd is convulsed by indescribable emotions. +"Huzza! huzza!" they shout. "Welcome to the missing favourite, and three +cheers for _Milky Way_!" + +The Duchess had turned as pale as a witch, for, galloping along the +course, she beholds Mr Bhosh, bereft of his tall hat and covered with +perspiration and dust, on the very steed which she fondly hoped had been +mislaid among the left luggage! + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + +A SENSATIONAL DERBY STRUGGLE + + Is it for sordid pelf that horses race? + Or can it be the glory that they go for? + Neither; they know the steed that shows best pace + Will get his flogging all the sooner over! + + _Reflection at a Racecourse.--H. B. J._ + + +The Duchess, seeing that her plot was foiled by the unexpected arrival +of Mr Bhosh, made the frantic endeavour to hedge herself behind another +bet of a million sterling to a monkey that _Milky Way_ was to come off +conqueror--but in vain, since none of the welshers would concede such +very long odds. + +So, wrapping her features in a veil of feminine duplicity, she advanced +swimmingly to meet Mr Bhosh. "How lucky that you have arrived on the +neck of time!" she said. "And you have ridden all the way from town? +Tell me now, would not you and your dear horse like some refreshment +after so tedious a journey?" + +"Madam," said Mr Bhosh, bowing to his saddle-bow, while his optics +remained fixed upon the Duchess with a withering glare. "We are not +taking any--from _your_ hands." + +This crushing sarcasm totally abashed the Duchess, who perceived that he +had penetrated her schemes and crept away in discomfiture. + +After this incident _Milky Way_ was subjected to the ordeal of trying +her weight, which she passed with honours. For--very fortunately as it +turned out--the twenty-four hours' starvation which she had endured as +left luggage had reduced her to the prescribed number of _maunds_, which +she would otherwise have infallibly exceeded, since Mr Bhosh, being as +yet a tyro in training Derby cracks, had allowed her to acquire a +superfluous obesity. + +Thus once more the machinations of the Duchess had only benefited the +very individual they were intended to injure! + +But it remained necessary to hire a practical jockey, since Cadwallader +Perkin was still lamenting in dust and ashes at home, so Mr Bhosh ran +about from pillow to post endeavouring to borrow a rider for _Milky +Way_. + +Owing, probably, to the Duchess's artifices, he encountered nothing but +refusals and pleas of previous engagement--until, at the end of the +tether of his patience, he said: "Since my mare cannot compete in a +riderless condition, I myself will assume command and steer her to +victory!" + +Upon which gallant speech the entire air became darkened by clouds of +upthrown hats and shouts of "Bravo, Bindabun!" + +But upon this the pertinacious Duchess lodged the objection that he was +not in correct toggery, and that, even if he still retained his tall +hat, it would be contrary to etiquette to ride the Derby in a frock +coat. + +"Where are his racing colours?" she demanded. + +"_Here!_" cried Mr Bhosh, pulling forth the cream and sky-blue silken +jacket and cap from his pockets, and, discarding his frock coat, he +assumed the garbage of a jockey in the twinkle of a jiffy. + +"I protest," then cried the undaunted Duchess, "against such cruelty to +animals as racing an overblown mare so soon after she has galloped from +London!" + +"Your stricture is just, O humane and distinguished lady," responded the +judge, who had conceived a violent attachment to _Milky Way_ and her +owner, "and I will willingly postpone the race for an hour or two until +the horse has recovered her breeze." + +"Quite unnecessary!" said Bindabun. "My mare is not such a weakling as +you imagine, and will be as fit as a flea after she has imbibed one or +two champagne bottles." + +And his prediction was literally fulfilled, for the champagne soon +rendered _Milky Way_ playful as a kitten. Mr Bhosh ascended into his +saddle; the other horses were drawn up in single rank; the starter +brandished his flag--and the curtain rose on such a race as has, +perhaps, never been equalled in the annals of the Derby. + +The rival cracks were named as follows:----_Topsy Turvey_, _Poojah_, +_Brandy Pawnee_, _Tiffin Bell_, _Tripod_, _Cui Bono_, _British +Jurisprudence_ and _Roseate Smell_. The betting was even on the field. + +_Poojah_ was a large tall horse with a nude tail, but excessively +nimble; _Tripod_, on the contrary, was a small cob of sluggish habits +and needing to be constantly pricked; _Tiffin Bell_ was a piebald of +goodly proportions; and _Roseate Smell_ was of same sex as _Milky Way_, +though more vixenish in character. + +Not long after the start Mr Bhosh was chagrined to discover that he was +all behindhand, and he almost despaired of overtaking any of his +fore-runners. Moreover, he was already oppressed by painful soreness, +due to so constantly coming in contact with the saddle during his ride +from London--but "in for a penny, in for a pound of flesh," and he +plodded on, and soon had the good luck to recapture some of his lost +ground. + +It was the old fabulous anecdote of the Hare and the Tortoise. First of +all, _Topsy Turvey_ was tripped up by a rabbit's hole; then _Roseate +Smell_ leaped the barrier and joined the spectators, while _Tripod_ +sprained his offside ankle. Gradually Mr Bhosh passed _Brandy Pawnee_, +_Cui Bono_, and _British Jurisprudence_, until, on arriving at Tottenham +Court Corner, only _Tiffin Bell_ and _Poojah_ remained in the running. + +_Tiffin Bell_ became so discouraged by the near approach of _Milky Way_ +that he dwindled his pace to a paltry trot, so Mr Bhosh was easily +enabled to defeat him, after which by Cyclopean efforts he urged his +mare until she and _Poojah_ were cheek by jowl. + +For some time it was the dingdong race between a hammer and tongs! + +Still, as the quadrupeds ploughed their way on, _Poojah_ churlishly +refused to give _place aux dames_, and _Milky Way_ began to drop to the +rear. Seeing that she was utterly incompetent to accelerate her speed +and therefore in imminent danger of being defeated, Chunder Bindabun had +the happy inspiration to make an appeal to the best feelings of the +rival jockey, whose name was Juggins. + +"Juggins!" he wheezed in an agonised whisper, "I am a poor native +Indian, totally unpractised in Derby riding. Show me some magnanimous +action, and allow _Milky Way_ to take first prize, Juggins!" + +But Mr Juggins responded that he earnestly desired that _Poojah_ should +obtain said prize, and applied a rather severe whipsmack to his willing +horse. + +"My mare is the favourite, Juggins!" pleaded Mr Bhosh. "By defeating her +you will land yourself in the bad odour of the _oi polloi_. Have you +considered that, Juggins?" + +Juggins's only reply was to administer more whip-smacks, but Chunder +Bindabun persevered. "Consider my hard case, Juggins! If I am beaten, I +lose both a _placens uxor_ and the pot of money. If, on the other hand, +I come in first at the head of the winning pole I promise to share my +entire fortune with you!" + +Upon this, the kind-hearted and venial equestrian relented, warmly +protesting that he would rather be a _proxime accessit_ and second +fiddle than deprive another human being of all his earthly felicity, and +accordingly he reined in his impetuous courser with such consummate +skill that _Milky Way_ forged ahead by the length of a nose. + +Thus they galloped past the Grand Stand, and, as Mr Bhosh gazed upwards +and descried the elegant form of the Princess Petunia standing upon the +topmost roof, he was so exalted with jubilation that he elevated +himself in his stirrups; and waving his cap in a chivalrous salute, +cried out: "Hip-hip-hip! I am ramping in!" + +"Then," I hear the reader exclaim, "it is all over, and _Milky Way_ is +victorious." + +Please, my honble friend, do not be so premature! I have not _said_ that +the race was over. There are still some yards to the judge's bench, and +it is always on the racing cards that _Poojah_ may prove the winner +after all. + +Such inquisitive curiosity shall be duly satisfied in the next chapter, +which is also the last. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + +A GRAND FINISH + + Happy Aurora is a happy Aurora! + Hip, Hip, Hip, Hip, Hurrah! Hurrah! + + _Dr Ram Kinoo Dutt (of Chittagong)._ + + +On the summit of the Grand Stand might have been observed groups of +spectators eagerly awaiting the finish. Conspicuous amongst them were +Princess Petunia (most sumptuously attired) and her parent, +Merchant-prince Jones; and close by Duke and Duchess Dickinson, +following the classic contest through binocular glasses. + +"_Poojah_ will prove to be the winner!... No, it is _Milky Way_!... They +are neck or nothing! It will be a deceased heat!" exclaimed the excited +populaces. + +And the beauteous Petunia was as if seated upon the spike of suspense, +since Mr Bhosh's success was a _sine qua non_ to their union. Suddenly +came the glad shout: "The Favourite takes the cake with a canter!" and +Duchess Dickinson became pallid with anguish, for, rich as she was, she +could ill afford to become the loser of a cool million. + +The shout was strictly veracious, for Mr Bhosh was ruling the roast by +half-a-head, and _Poojah_ was correspondingly behind. "_Macte virtute!_" +cried Princess Petunia, in the silvery tones of a highly-bred bell, +while she violently agitated her sun-umbrella: "O my beloved Bindabun, +do not fall behind at eleven o'clock!" + +And, as though in answer to this appeal (which he did not overhear), she +beheld her triumphant suitor saluting the empress of his soul with +uplifted jockey-cap. + +Alack! it was the fatal piece of politeness; since, to avoid falling +off, he was compelled to moderate the speed of his racer while +performing it, and Juggins, either repenting his good-nature, or unable +any longer to restrain the impetuosity of _Poojah_, was carried first +past the winning-pole, Mr Bhosh following on _Milky Way_ as the bad +second! + +At this the Princess Petunia emitted a doleful scream; like Freedom, +which, as some poet informs us, "squeaked when Kockiusko (a Japanese +gentleman) fell," and suspended her animation for several minutes, while +the Duchess "grinned a horrible ghastly smile," as described by Poet +Milton in _Paradise Lost_, at Mr Bhosh's shocking defeat and her own +gain of a million, though all true sportsmen present deeply sympathised +with our hero that he should be thus wrecked in sight of port on account +of an ordinary act of courtesy to a female! + +But Mr Bhosh preserved his withers as unwrung as though he possessed the +hide of a rhinoceros. "Honble Sir," said he, addressing the Judge, "I +humbly beg permission to claim this Derby race and lodge an objection +against my antagonist." + +"On what grounds?" was the naturally astonished rejoinder. + +"On the grounds," deliberately replied Chunder Bindabun, "that he +surreptitiously did pull his horse's head." + +Juggins was too dumbfoundered to reply to the accusation, and several +spectators came forward to testify that they had personally witnessed +him curbing his steed, and--it being contrary to the _lex non scripta_ +of turf etiquette to pull at a horse's head when he is winning--Juggins +was very ignominiously plucked by the Jockey's Club. + +The Duchess made the desperate attempt to argue that, if Juggins was a +pot, Mr Bhosh was a kettle of equally dark complexion, since he also had +reined up before attaining the goal--but Chunder Bindabun was able +easily to show that he had done so, not with any intention to forfeit +his stakes, but merely to salute his betrothed, whereas Juggins had +pulled to prevent his horse from achieving the conquest. + +So, to Mr Bhosh's inexpressible delight, the Derby Cup, full as an egg +with golden sovereigns, was awarded to him, and the notorious blue +ribbon was pinned by the judge upon his proud and heaving bosom. + +But, as he was reverting, highly elated, to the side of his beloved +amidst the acclamations of the multitude, the disreputable Juggins had +the audacity to pluck his elbow and demand the promised _quid pro quo_. + +"For what service?" inquired Chunder Bindabun in amazement. + +"Why, did you not promise me the moiety of your fortune, honble Sir," +was the reply, "if I allowed you to be the winner?" + +Mr Bhosh was of an exceptionally mild, just disposition, but such a +piece of cheeky chicanery as this aroused his fiercest indignation and +rendered him cross as two sticks. "O contemptible trickster!" he said, +in terrific tones, "my promise (as thou knowest well) was on condition +that I was first past the winning-pole. Whereas--owing to thy perfidy--I +was only the bad second. Do not attempt to hunt with the hare and +run with hounds. Depart to lower regions!" + + [Illustration: THE NOTORIOUS BLUE RIBBON WAS PINNED BY THE JUDGE + UPON HIS PROUD AND HEAVING BOSOM (Illustration VIII)] + +And Juggins slinked into obscurity with fallen chops. + +Benevolent and forbearing readers, this unassuming tale is near its +_finis_. Owing to his brilliant success at the Derby, Mr Bhosh was now +rolling on cash, and, as the prediction of the Astrologer-Royal was +fulfilled, there was no longer any objection to his union with the +Princess Jones, with whom he accordingly contracted holy matrimony, and +now lives in great splendour at Shepherd's Bush, since all his friends +earnestly besought him that he was not to return to India. He therefore +naturalised himself as a full-blooded British, and further adopted a +coat-of-arms from the Family Herald, with a splendidly lofty crest, and +the motto "_Sans Peur et Sans Reproche_." ("Not being funky myself, I do +not reproach others with said failing"--_free translation_.) + +But what of the wicked Duchess? I have to record that, being unable to +pay the welsher her bet of a million pounds, she was solemnly +pronounced a bankruptess and incarcerated (by a striking instance of the +tit-for-tat of Fate) in the identical Old Bailey cell to which she had +consigned Chunder Bindabun! + +And in her case the gaoler's fair daughter, Miss Caroline, did not +exhibit the same softheartedness. Mr Bhosh and his Princess-bride, being +both of highly magnanimous idiosyncrasies, for some time visited their +relentless foe in her captivity, carrying her fruit and flowers and +sweets of inexpensive qualities, but were received in such a cold, +standoffish style that they soon discontinued such thankless civilities. + +As for _Milky Way_, she is still hale and flourishing, though she has +never since displayed the phenomenal speed of her first (and probably +her last) Derby race. She may often be seen in the vicinity of +Shepherd's Bush, harnessed to a small basketchaise, in which are Mr and +Mrs Bhosh and some of their blooming progenies. + +Here, with the Public's kind permission, we will leave them, and +although this trivial and unpretentious romance can claim no merit +except its undeviating fidelity to nature, I still venture to think +that, for sheer excitement and brilliancy of composition, &c, it will be +found, by all candid judges, to compare rather favourably with more +showy and meretricious fictions by overrated English novelists. + + END + OF + A BAYARD FROM BENGAL. + + + _N.B.--I cannot conscientiously recommend the Indulgent Reader to + proceed any further--for reasons which, should he do so, will be + obvious. H. B. J._ + + + + +THE PARABLES OF PILJOSH + +FREELY RENDERED INTO ENGLISH FROM THE ORIGINAL STYPTIC WITH INTRODUCTION +AND NOTES BY H. B. JABBERJEE, B.A. + + +INTRODUCTION + +I shall begin by begging that it may not be supposed either that _I_ am +the Author or even the Translator of the appended fables! + +The plain truth of the matter is that I am far indeed from standing agog +with amazement at their literary or other excellences, and inclined +rather to award them the faint damnation of a very mediocre eulogy. + +But it so happens that the actual translator is the same young English +friend who kindly furnished me with a few selected poetic extracts for +my Society novel, and has earnestly entreated me (as the _quid pro +quo_!) to compose an introduction and notes for his own effusion, +alleging that it is a _sine qua non_ nowadays for all first class +Classics to be issued with introduction, notes and appendix by some +literary knob--otherwise they speedily become obsolete and still-born. + +Therefore I readily consented to oblige him, although I am no _au fait_ +in the Styptic dialect, and cannot therefore be held answerable for the +accuracy of my friend's translation, which he admits himself is of a +rather free description. + +Of the Philosopher who composed these Proverbs or Fables little is +known, even in his own country, except that (as all Scholiasts are +aware) he was born on the 1st of April 1450 (old style), and for some +years filled the important and responsible post of Archi-mandrake of +Paraprosdokian. He probably met with a violent end. + +I shall not undertake to provide a note to _every_ parable, but only in +cases where I think that the Parabolist is not quite as luminous as the +nose on one's face, and needs the services of an experienced +interpreter. H. B. J. + + +The Butterfly visited so many flowers that she fell sick of a surfeit of +nectar. She called it "Nervous Breakdown." + + * * * * * + +"Instead of vainly lamenting over those we have lost," said the young +Cuckoo severely, to the Father and Mother Sparrow, "it seems to me that +you should be rejoicing that _I_ am still spared to you!" + + _Note._--A mere plagiaristic adaptation of the trite adage + concerning the comparative values of birds in the hand and in the + bush.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"I am old enough to be thy Grandfather!" the Egg informed the Chicken. + +"In that case," replied the Chicken, "it is high time thou bestirredst +thyself!" + +"Not so!" said the Egg, "since the longer I remain quiescent, the fitter +I shall be for the career that is destined for me." + +"Indeed," inquired the Chicken, "and what may _that_ be?" + +"_Politics!_" answered the Egg with importance. + +And the Chicken pondered long over that saying. + + _Note._--I must confess to following the Chicken's precedent, + without arriving at any solution. For, logically, an Egg must be the + junior of any Chicken. And again, even for parabolical purposes, it + is far-fetched to represent an Egg as a potential Member of + Parliament. On the whole, I am not entirely satisfied that my young + friend is so proficient in acquaintance with Cryptic as he has + represented to me.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +There is only one thing that irritateth a woman more than the man who +doth not understand her, and that is the man who doth. + + * * * * * + +A certain Artificer constructed a mechanical Serpent which was so +marvellously natural that it bit him in the back. "Had I but another +hour to live," he lamented in his last agonies, "I would have patented +the invention!" + +The Woman was so determined to be independent of Man that she +voluntarily became the slave of a Machine. + + _Note._--I do not understand the meaning of the Fabulist here.--H. + B. J. + + * * * * * + +"She used to be so fresh; but she is gone off terribly since I first +knew her!" said the Slug of the Strawberry. + + _Note._--See my remark on the last parable.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"Now, I call that downright Plagiarism!" observed the Ass, when he heard +the Lion roar. + +"A cheery laugh goes a long way in this world!" remarked the Hyena. + +"But a bright smile goes further still!" said the Alligator, as he took +him in. + + _Note._--If the honble Philosopher is censuring here merely the + assumption of hilarity and not ordinary quiet facetiousness, I am + entirely with him. But I rather regard him as a total deficient in + Humour and fanatically opposed to it in any form.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"I trust I have now made myself perfectly clear?" observed the +Cuttlefish, after discharging his ink. + + * * * * * + +The Cockney was assured that, if he placed the Sea-shell to his ear, he +would hear the murmur of Ocean. + +But all he caught distinctly was the melody of negro minstrels. + + * * * * * + +"It is some satisfaction to feel that we have both been sacrificed in a +thoroughly deserving cause!" said the Brace-button, complacently, to the +Threepenny Bit, as they met in the Offertory Bag. + + _Note._--This must be some local allusion, for I + do not know what sort of receptacle an Offertory + Bag may be, or why such articles should be inserted + therein.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +Mistrust the Bridegroom who appeareth at his wedding with +sticking-plaster on his chin [or "_without_ sticking-plaster," &c.--the +Styptic is capable of either interpretation.--_Trans._]. + + _Note._--Then I will humbly say that it must be a peculiarly elastic + tongue. But in _either_ form the Proverb is meaningless.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"What!--My Original dead?" cried the Statue. "Then I have lost all +chance of ever becoming celebrated!" + + _Note._--This is an obvious mistranslation, since a Statue is only + erected when the Original is already celebrated.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"What is your favourite Perfume?" they asked the Hog, and he answered +them, "Pigwash." + +"How vulgar!" exclaimed the Stoat. "_Mine_ is Patchouli!" + +But the Fox said that, in _his_ opinion, the less scent one used the +better. + + _Note._--This merely records the well-known physiological fact that + some persons are born without the olfactory sense. Emperor + Vespasian was accustomed to declare (erroneously) that "pecunia non + olet."--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"I wonder they allow such a cruel contrivance as that 'Catch 'em alive, +oh!' paper!" said the Spider tearfully, as she sat in her web. + + _Note._--From this we learn that there may be a soft spot in the + most unpromising quarters. Even Alexander the Great, who spent the + blood of his troops like pocket money, is recorded to have wept at a + review on suddenly reflecting that all his soldiers would probably + be deceased in a hundred years. It is barely possible that Piljosh + may have been a spectator of this incident.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +A certain Pheasant was pluming herself upon having become a member of +the Anti-Sporting League. + +"Softly, friend!" said a wily old Cock, "for, should this League of +thine succeed in its object, every man's hand would be against us both +by day and night; whereas, at present, our lives are protected all night +by vigilant keepers, and spared all day by our owner and his guests, +who are incapable of shooting for nuts!" + + _Note._--This is a glaring _non sequitur_ and fallacy. I myself + have never shot for nuts--but it does not necessarily follow that + any pheasant would remain intact after I discharged my + rifle-barrel!--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"It is not what we _look_ that signifieth," said the Scorpion +virtuously, "it is what we _are_!" + + _Note._--True enough--but the moral would have been improved by + attributing the saying to some insect of more innocuous character + than a Scorpion. Perhaps this is so in the original Styptic, for, as + I have said, I cannot repose implicit faith in my young friend's + version.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"I have composed the most pathetic poem in the world!" declared the +Poet. + +"How can'st thou be sure of that," he was asked. + +"Because," he replied, "I recited it to the Crocodile, and she could not +refrain from shedding tears!" + + * * * * * + +"It is gratifying to find oneself appreciated at last," said the +Cabbage, when the Cigar Merchant labelled him as a Cabana. + + * * * * * + +"Don't talk to _me_ about Cactus," said the Ostrich contemptuously to +the Camel. "Insipid stuff, _I_ call it! No--for real flavour and +delicacy, give me a pair of Sheffield scissors!" + + * * * * * + +"The accommodation might be more luxurious, it's true," remarked the +philosophic Mouse, when he found himself in the Trap, "but, after all, +it's not as if I was going to stay here _long_!" + + * * * * * + +"People tell me he can shine when he chooses," said the Extinguisher of +the Candle. "All _I_ know is, he's positively dull whenever he's with +_me_!" + + * * * * * + +There was once a Musical Box which played but one tune, to which its +owner was never weary of listening. But, after a time, he desired a +novelty, and could not rest until he had exchanged the barrel for +another. However, he sickened of the second tune sooner than of the +first, and so he exchanged it for a third, which he liked not at all. + +Accordingly he commanded that the Box should return to the first tune of +all--and lo! this had become an abomination unto his ears, nor could he +conceive how he had ever been able to endure it! + +So the Musical Box was laid upon the shelf, and the Owner procured for +himself a cheap mouth-organ which could play any air that was suggested +to it, and thus became an established favourite. + + _Note._--This is apparently designed to illustrate the ficklety of + the Musical Character.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"_Do_ come in!" snapped the severed Shark's Head to the Ship's Cat. "As +you perceive, I am carrying on business as usual during the +alterations." + + * * * * * + +The Bulbul had no sooner finished her song than the Bullfrog began to +make profuse apologies for having left his music at home. + + * * * * * + +To a Butterscotch Machine the Penny and the Tin Disc are alike. + + _Note._--Surely not if an official is looking on!--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"My dears," said the Converted Cannibal reverently to his Wife and +Family, as they sat down to their Baked Missionary, "do not let us omit +to ask a blessing!" + + * * * * * + +There is but one Singer whom it is futile to encore--and that is a Dying +Swan. + + * * * * * + +"I am doing a series of 'Notable Nests' for 'Sylvan Society,'" said the +insinuating Serpent, on finding the Ringdove at home, "and I should so +much like to include _you_." "You are very kind," said the Ringdove, in +a flutter, "but I can assure you that there is no more in my poor +little eggs than in any other bird's!" "That may be," replied the +Serpent, "but I must live _somehow_!" + + * * * * * + +"No outsiders there--only just their own particular set!" said the +Cocksparrow, when he came home after having been to tea with the Birds +of Paradise. + + * * * * * + +The Elephant was dying of starvation, and a kind-hearted person +presented him with an acidulated drop. + + _Note._--It is well-nigh incredible that any Philosopher should be + so ignorant of Natural History as to imagine that any Elephant would + accept an acid drop, even if it was on its last legs for want of + nutrition. + + The conclusion of this anecdote would seem to be either lost, or + unfit for publication.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +There was once a famous Violinist who serenaded his Mistress every +evening, performing the most divine melodies upon his instrument. + +But all the while she was straining her ears to listen to a piano-organ +round the corner which was playing "Good-bye, Dolly Gray!" + + * * * * * + +The Performing Lioness kisses her Trainer on the mouth--but only in +public. + + * * * * * + +The Candle complained bitterly of the unpleasantness of seeing so many +scorched moths in her vicinity. + + * * * * * + +"I have taken such a fancy to thee," said the Hawk genially to the +Field-Mouse, "that I am going to put thee into a really good thing." + +And he opened his beak. + + * * * * * + +There are persons who have no sense of the fitness of things. + +Like the Grasshopper, who insisted on putting the Snail up for the +Skipping Club. + + * * * * * + +The Cat scratched the Dog's nose out of sheer playfulness--but she had +no time to explain. + + * * * * * + +"After all, it _is_ pleasant to be at home again!" said the Eagle's +feathers on the shaft that pierced him. + +But the Eagle's reply is not recorded. + + _Note._--Poet Byron also mentions this incident.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +A certain Painter set himself to depict a lovely landscape. "See!" he +cried, as he exhibited his canvas to a Passing Stranger, "doth not this +my picture resemble the scene with exactitude?" + +"Since thou desirest to know," was the reply, "thou seemest to me to +have portrayed nothing but a manure heap!" + +"And am _I_ to blame," exclaimed the indignant Painter, "if a manure +heap chanced to be immediately in front of me?" + + * * * * * + +Before a Man marrieth a Woman he delighteth to describe unto her all his +doings--even the most unimportant. + +But, after marriage, he considereth that such talk may savour too much +of egotism. + + _Note._-This is very very shallow. I have never experienced any such + compunctiousness with my own wives.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"I shouldn't have minded so much," said the Bee, with some bitterness, +just before breathing his last in the honey-pot, "only it happens to be +my own make!" + + * * * * * + +"Is the White Rabbit beautiful?" someone inquired of the Albino Rat. + +"She might be passable enough," replied the Rat, "but for one most +distressing deformity. She has pink eyes!" + + * * * * * + +When the Ass was asked about his Cousin the Zebra, he said: "Do not +speak about him--for he has disgraced us all. Never before has there +been any eccentricity in _our_ family!" + + * * * * * + +The full-blown Sausage professeth to have forgotten the days of his +puppyhood. + + * * * * * + +"_Will_ you allow me to pass?" said the courteous Garden Roller to the +Snail. + + * * * * * + +Had anyone met the Red Herring in the sea and foretold that he would one +day be pursued by Hounds across a difficult country, the Herring would +have accounted him but a vain babbler. + +Yet so it fell out! + + _Note._--I shrewdly suspect that my young friend has made the rather + natural mistake of substituting the word "Red Herring" for "Flying + Fish." + + It is not absolutely incredible that one of the latter department + should fly inland and be chased by Dogs--but even Piljosh should be + aware that no Herring could pop off in such a way.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +An Officious Busybody, perceiving a Phoenix well alight, promptly +extinguished her by means of a convenient watering-pot. + + * * * * * + +"Had you refrained from this uncalled for interference," said the justly +irate Bird, "I should by this time be rising gloriously from my +ashes--instead of presenting the ridiculous appearance of a partially +roasted Fowl!" + + _Note._--I can offer no explanation of this allegory, except to + remind the reader that the Phoenix is the notorious symbol for a + fire insurance.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"Alas!" sighed the Learned Pig, while expiring from inflammation of the +brain, brought on by a laborious endeavour to ascertain the sum of two +and two, "Why, _why_ was I cursed with Intellect?" + + * * * * * + +"I shall know better another time!" gasped the Fish, as he lay in the +Landing-net. + + * * * * * + +A certain Merchant sold a child a sharp sword. "Thou hast done wrong in +this," remonstrated a Sage, "since the child will assuredly wound either +himself or some other." + +"_I_ shall not be responsible," cried the Merchant, "for, in selling the +sword, I did recommend the child to protect the point with a cork!" + + * * * * * + +A certain grain of Millet fell out of a sack in which it was being +carried into the City, and was soon trampled in the dust. + +"I am lost!" cried the Millet-seed. "Yet I do not repine so much for +myself as for those countless multitudes who, deprived of me, are now +doomed to perish miserably of starvation!" + + * * * * * + +"I have given up dancing," said the Tongs, "for they no longer dance +with the Elegance and Grace that were universal in _my_ young days!" + + * * * * * + +"But for the Mercy of Providence," said the Fox, piously, to the Goose +whom he found in a trap that had been set for himself, "our respective +situations might now be reversed!" + + * * * * * + +"She really sang quite nicely," remarked the Cuckoo, after she had been +to hear the Nightingale one evening, "but it's a pity her range is so +sadly limited!" + + * * * * * + +The Mendicant insisted on making his Will: + +"But what hast _thou_ to leave when thou diest?" cried the Scribe. + +"As much as the richest," he replied; "for when I die, I leave the +entire World!" + + _Note._--This is (if not incorrectly translated) a grotesque and + puerile allegation. The veriest tyro is aware that when a + Millionaire hops the twig of his existence, he leaves more behind + him than a mere Mendicant!--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"Forgive me," said the Toad to the Swallow, "but, although you may not +be aware of it, you are flying on totally false principles!" + +"Am I?" said the Swallow meekly. "I'm so sorry! Do you mind showing me +how _you_ do it?" + +"I don't fly myself," said the Toad, with an air of superiority. "I've +other things to do--but I have thoroughly mastered the theory of the +Art." + +"Then teach _me_ the theory!" said the Swallow. + +"Willingly," said the Toad; "my fee--to _you_--will be two worms a +lesson." + + * * * * * + +"I can't bear to think that no one will weep for me when I am gone!" +said the sentimental Fly, as he flew into the eye of a Moneylender. + + _Note.--Cf._ Poet Byron: "'Tis sweet to know there is an eye will + mark Our coming, and look brighter when we come!"--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +A certain Cockatrice, feeling sociably inclined, entered a Mother's +Meeting, bent upon making himself agreeable--but was greatly mortified +to find himself but coldly received. + +"Women _are_ so particular about trifles!" he reflected bitterly. "I +know I said 'Good Afternoon' with my mouth full--but, as I explained, I +had just been lunching at the Infant School!" + + * * * * * + +"I want to be _useful!_" said the Silkworm, as she sat down and "set" a +sock for a Decayed Centipede. + + * * * * * + +A Traveller demanded hospitality from fourteen Kurds, who were occupying +one small tent. + +"Enter freely," said the Kurds, "but we must warn thee that thou wilt +find the atmosphere exceedingly unpleasant--for, by some inadvertence, +we have greased our boots from a jar of Attar of Roses!" + + _Note._--Once more I do not entirely fathom the Fabulist's + meaning--unless it is that such a valuable cosmetic as Attar of + Roses may become so deteriorated as to offend even the nostril organ + of a Kurd.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +A certain Basilisk having attained great success in petrifying all who +came under his personal observation, there was a Scheme set afoot to +present him with some Token of popular esteem and regard. + +"If we give him _anything_" said the Fox, who was consulted as to the +form of the proposed Testimonial, "I would suggest that it should take +the shape of a pair of Smoked Spectacles." + + _Note._--The Satire here, at least, is obvious enough. Smoked + spectacles are a very inexpensive gift.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"How truly the Poet sang that: 'we may rise on stepping-stones of our +dead selves to higher things!'" remarked the Chicken's Merrythought, +when it found itself apotheosised into a Penwiper. + + _Note._--A young lady, that shall be nameless, once presented me + with a very similar penwipe, which represented a Church of England + ecclesiastic in surplice and mortar-cap.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"I shall not have perished in vain!" gasped an altruistic Cockroach, +immediately before expiring from an overdose of Insect Powder, "for, +after this fatality, the Owners of the House will doubtless be more +careful how they leave such stuff about!" + + _Note._--British Cockroaches, however, resemble Emperor Mithridates + in being totally impervious to beetle poison.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +The Sheep was so exceedingly tough and old, that the Wolf had thoughts +of becoming a Vegetarian. + + _Note._--When we see some person attaining Centenarian longevity, we + are foolishly inclined to fancy that, by adopting their diet, we + also are to become Methusalems!--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +A certain Ant that had lost its All owing to the sudden collapse of the +Bank in which its savings were invested, applied to a Grasshopper for a +small temporary advance. + +"I am sorry, dear boy," chirpily replied the Grasshopper, "that, +although I am playing to big business every evening, I have not put by a +single grain. However, I will get up a _matinee_ for your benefit." + +This he did with such success that, next winter, the Ant was once more +sufficiently prosperous to discharge his obligation by offering the +Grasshopper a letter to the Charity Organisation Society! + + _Note._--The application of this is that a kind action is never + really thrown away.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"I never feel quite myself till I've had a good bath!" said the Bird +whom an elderly Lady had purchased from a Street Boy as a Goldfinch. + +And behold, when the Bird came out of its saucer of water, it was a +Sparrow! + + _Note._--Like many Philosophers, Piljosh would seem to have had no + great liking for ablutions. But water which could transform a + Goldfinch into a Sparrow must previously have been enchanted by some + Magician, so that our Parabolist's shaft misses fire in this + instance (as indeed in many others!). Possibly, however, his + Translator has once more proved a Traitor!--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"Pride not yourself upon your Lustre and Symmetry," said the Jet +Ear-ring austerely to the Pearl, "for, after all, you owe your beauty to +nothing but the morbid secretions of a Diseased Oyster!" + +"I am sorry to spoil your moral," retorted the Pearl with much suavity, +"but, like yourself, I happen to be Artificial." + + _Note._--Inhabitants of glassy mansions should not indulge in + lapidation.--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +"Come!" said the Peacock's Feather proudly to the Fly-flapper and the +Tin Squeaker, as the final illumination flickered out and they lay in +the gutter together, limp and exhausted with their exertions in tickling +and generally exasperating inoffensive strangers. "They may say what +they please--but at least we have shown them that the Spirit of +Patriotism is not yet extinct!" + + _Note._--This must refer to some Cryptic customs prevalent in the + Parabolist's time. But I do not clearly apprehend what connection + either tickling, fly-flapping, or squeaking can have with + Patriotism!--H. B. J. + + * * * * * + +LAST WORDS + +Here conclude the Parables of Piljosh, together with the present volume. +That the former can possibly obtain honble mention when compared with +the apologues of Plato, AEsop, Corderius Nepos, or even Confucius, I +cannot for a moment anticipate, and none can be more sensible than my +humble self how very poor a figure they cut in proximity to the +production of my own pen! + +However, indulgent critics will please not saddle my unoffending head +with the responsibility, the fact being that I was vehemently advised +that, without some meretricious padding of this sort, my Romance would +not be of sufficient robustness to produce a boom. + +But should "A Bayard from Bengal" unfortunately fail to render the +Thames combustible, I should rather attribute the cause to its having +been unwisely diluted with such milk and watery material as the Parables +of Piljosh. + +So, leaving the decision to the impartial and unanimous verdict of +popular approval, I subscribe myself, + + The Reader's very obsequious and palpitating Servant, + + HURRY BUNGSHO JABBERJEE, B.A., etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. + + PRINTED BY TURNBULL AND SPEARS, EDINBURGH + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's A Bayard From Bengal, by Hurry Bungsho Jabberjee + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A BAYARD FROM BENGAL *** + +***** This file should be named 36703.txt or 36703.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/6/7/0/36703/ + +Produced by Chris Curnow, Matthew Wheaton and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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