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diff --git a/36800-8.txt b/36800-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d15d712 --- /dev/null +++ b/36800-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1333 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Ludicrous Aspects Of Christianity, by Austin Holyoak + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Ludicrous Aspects Of Christianity + A Response To The Challenge Of The Bishop Of Manchester + +Author: Austin Holyoak + +Release Date: July 20, 2011 [EBook #36800] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LUDICROUS ASPECTS OF CHRISTIANITY *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + + +LUDICROUS ASPECTS OF CHRISTIANITY: + +A Response To The Challenge Of The Bishop Of Manchester. + +By Austin Holyoak + + +The Bishop of Manchester, in a speech delivered by him in Oldham in +August, 1870, is reported to have said that "he could defy anyone to try +to caricature the work, the character, or the person of the Lord Jesus +Christ." He no doubt felt confident in throwing out such a challenge, +as the attempt would be considered so atrociously impious that few men +could be found with courage enough to incur the odium of such an act. We +confess that we have not the temerity to wound the sensitiveness of the +devoutly religious. What may be deemed of the nature of caricature in +the following remarks the reader is requested to regard as merely the +spontaneous utterance of one who is keenly alive to the ludicrous, and +who is not awed by the belief that the Bible is an infallible volume. +We find the New Testament, when read without the deceptive spectacles of +_faith_ as amusing, as extravagant, and as contradictory in many places +as most books. + +A system of religion, to be a moral guide to men, should be perfect in +all its parts. It should not consist of a few precepts which might +be followed under certain circumstances, the rest being made up of +impossibilities and contradictions; but should be so comprehensive as to +embrace all orders of men under all circumstances. And a divine exemplar +to mankind, if such a being can be imagined, should possess every human +virtue in perfection, and be absolutely without fault. We are told daily +and hourly that Jesus Christ possesses these transcendent qualities, and +is worthy of the homage and admiration of the world. We ask where this +divine image is to be found, and are referred to the four Gospels in the +New Testament. All that is there written was written by inspiration of +God, and God therefore is the painter of the lineaments of his own Son. +We will take it as such, and see what aspect Jesus presents when viewed +in the light we are able to bring to bear upon his portrait. We shall +follow a somewhat different plan to that adopted by M. Rénan. That +great French writer has evidently gone to his task with the intention or +anticipation of finding an almost perfect man, and he ends by believing +he really sees one in Jesus. We have taken up the Gospels with the +desire of finding what is actually there; and as it appears to us, so we +will present it to the reader. We know that some will view the sayings +and actions in a different light; but that is inevitable. No two persons +ever see in the painted portrait of a friend or relative, precisely +the same expression; yet they may be equally honest. Now we claim to be +regarded as truthful in the following portraiture, though Jesus appears +to us a very different man to what he appeared to M. Renan. Some may say +we are flippant, but that we cannot help, though we may regret it. We +must express ourselves in our own way, and we most be excused if we +laugh at what seems ludicrous or absurd. + +We may be accused of a want of reverence, but we cannot feel reverence +for what does not excite that feeling in us. + +These pages are not critical--they do not pretend to be learned--they +do not seek to explain away anything on the score of "forgeries" or +"interpolations." They are based upon the supposition that the _Four_ +Gospels are each and collectively true, and without contradiction. No +attempt is made to reconcile contradictions by rejecting all that does +not harmonise. The Churches do not do so--they cling to all within the +two covers of the "sacred book," and of course take the responsibility. + +Nothing will be here set down that Jesus did not utter; no meaning will +be put upon his words that they will not legitimately bear; we have +judged of him as we find him in the general actions of his life. A +devout believer will exclaim, with uplifted hands and eyes--"Oh, this +is blasphemy; it is revolting to the moral sense; Christ was the Son of +God, and therefore perfect. He could not be what you have represented +him to be, or people long ago would have ceased to worship him. He is +the one sublime character whose image fills the world, and before whom +millions bow the head in reverent humility." Just so; that is where the +delusion arises. Men have been taught that they must not think--that +they must not doubt--that they must not examine the grounds of their +faith--they must _believe_, and that the sin of unbelief is everlasting +perdition. A halo of sanctity is thrown around this distorted +image--there is a sacred mystery, a "holy of holies" into which common +sense must not enter; and so devotees fall down at the threshold and +worship, where they should stand erect in reliance on their own reason +and judgment, and examine fearlessly for themselves into those doctrines +on a belief in which their everlasting salvation is said to depend. + +Jesus, the son of Mary, but not the son of Joseph, Mary's husband, was, +according to his biographers, an illegitimate child--at least, his +birth seems to have been brought about in a most illegitimate way. One +Matthew, who pretends to know a great deal about this child, even before +it was born, wishes his readers to infer that Jesus was descended in +a direct line from that worthy man and favourite of God, King David, +through exactly twenty-eight generations; that is, down to Joseph, who +was not the father of Jesus at all. He was the son of the Holy Ghost, +but who or what that was no man knows, and no one has been able to +comprehend unto this day. Another biographer named Luke, more sensible +than Matthew, like a modern Welshman traces Jesus's descent direct from +Adam, who, being the first man, _was_ probably a very distant relative +of his. + +This extraordinary child Jesus, who in his own language was simply +Joshua, came into the world to fulfil no end of prophecies. He was to be +called Jesus, that he might save his people from their sins. But he did +not do it, as the Jews have had amongst them since his time as great +criminals as ever existed before. He was also to be named Emmanuel, +"which, being interpreted, is God with us." But he never was called +Emmanuel, so the second prophecy was fulfilled! He was born in a house +in the first instance, and a star was seen to walk before certain wise +men and direct them where he was. In the second instance he was born in +a manger, in the stable of an inn where certain shepherds found Mary, +and Joseph, and the babe lying. These were not wise men from the East, +but poor ignorant shepherds from the neighbouring fields, and they +were not led by a star, but had seen an angel of the Lord by night, who +terrified them very much, and departed without telling them in which +particular manger the Saviour was to be found. The angel appeared amid +loud sounds of "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, and +good-will towards men." If those glad tidings of great joy _were_ heard +then, they have never been heard since, for the advent of this child was +the signal for war, and strife, and bloodshed among mankind, which have +desolated every land where the Christian name has been spoken. After +their fright was over, the shepherds consulted together, and resolved to +go into Bethlehem, to look for "this thing which had come to pass." They +alighted upon Joseph and his family all lying in a manger, much to the +surprise of Mary, who evidently did not comprehend what the excitement +was about, for we are told that "Mary kept all these things, and +pondered them in her heart." So after all, who knows that they found the +right babe at last? If such evidence as is here given were adduced in a +court of law to prove the identity of a lost heir to an estate, it would +never be allowed to go even to trial, but the grand jury would ignore +the bill at once. + +However, as Jesus was declared the rightful heir, we must accept that +fact, and proceed to examine how far he administered the great estate +to which he was born. Joseph was a very drowsy man, who had to be +continually warned and roused by angels as to what he should do and the +dangers which threatened him. Being made wide awake to the fact that +Herod sought to kill the child, he suddenly fled into Egypt with +his family, and there remained till the death of Herod, that another +prophecy might be fulfilled, "Out of Egypt have I called my son." But he +did not go into Egypt, but was taken back to Nazareth at eight days +old, and there remained till he was a man. So the third prophecy was +fulfilled! + +Jesus is familiarly known by the name of the "meek and lowly," but this +is a title which scarcely seems warranted by the narratives. From +his youth upwards he gave signs of the possession of an imperious +disposition and a vituperative tongue, and he on several occasions +manifested a want of filial affection. His parents went to Jerusalem +every year to the feast of the Passover, and at the age of twelve Jesus +was taken. When the parents returned, the boy remained behind unknown +to them, and they had got a day's journey on their way home before they +missed him. They retraced their steps to Jerusalem in much trouble, and +at last, after three days' search, found the truant comfortably seated +in the temple in the midst of the doctors, holding a learned argument +with them. When his mother saw him she asked him why he had caused them +so much sorrow. Instead of showing any penitence, he pertly answered, +"How is it that ye sought me? wist ye not that I must be about my +Father's business?" And Mary, though she knew he was the son of the Holy +Ghost, had not the slightest idea what he meant. + +When he "began to be about thirty years of age," he met with John +Baptist, a strange sort of anchorite, who used to dress in camelshair +and eat locusts and wild honey. From this cynic Jesus learnt much, +especially the habit of calling names. When people presented themselves +to John to be baptised, he greeted them in this loving way--"O +generation of vipers, who hath warned _you_ to flee from the wrath to +come?" Jesus was baptised, and afterwards retailed much that John had +said, especially his abusive phrases. At this ceremony of immersion the +heavens opened to Jesus, and the Spirit of God descended like a dove and +alighted upon him. This Spirit assumes as many shapes as Satan himself, +and altogether appears to be a very curious bird of passage. This +baptism was not a happy thing to Jesus, for immediately afterwards he +was led up of the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted of the Devil, +and he had to fast forty days and forty nights, and afterwards, we are +gravely told, "he was an hungered," which is not a remarkable fact, +seeing that he was a young man of very good appetite. We shall see, as +we get farther on, that his love of eating and drinking was manifested +on many carious occasions. The Old and New Testaments teem with accounts +of feasts and carouses by the chosen of the Lord, and the Lord himself, +to such a degree, that Christianity has not inaptly been termed the +religion of gourmands. Jesus frequently manifests great readiness and +smartness in reply, which is either an answer to the question addressed +to him, or a very clever evasion of it. When the Devil had got Jesus, +he said to him, "If thou be the Son of God, command that these stones be +made bread." The Devil evidently thought that to make something to eat +would be the greatest temptation he could offer him. But Jesus evaded +the task by saying, "It is written that man shall not live by bread +alone." The Devil tried again, and took him to the pinnacle of a temple, +and asked him to cast himself down, saying--"For it is written He shall +give his angels charge concerning thee." Jesus said unto him, "It is +written again, Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God." The Devil tried a +third time, and took him up into an exceeding high mountain, and +showed him all the kingdoms of this world, and the _glory_ of them, and +promised him all if he would fall down and worship him. How could Jesus +see from one spot all the kingdoms of the world? as no one looking +straight before him can see round a globe; but if it was done by +supernatural power, why take the trouble to go to the top of an +exceeding high mountain? the _flat_ country would have been a more +suitable spot. He also saw the _glory_ of them, which must have puzzled +him greatly, for what is the glory of one place, is sometimes the shame +of another, Jesus said, "Get thee hence, Satan: for it is written, Thou +shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve." The +Devil deemed this conclusive, and thereupon took his departure. + +After John the Baptist was cast into prison, Jesus went to reside in +Capernaum, and there commenced to preach from John's text--"Repent, for +the kingdom of heaven is at hand." At the outset of his public career +he was a copyist, and he remained so to the end of his life. He +simply repeated other men's sayings, or elaborated the traditions and +prophecies which were so prevalent among the Jews of his day. This +kingdom of heaven did not mean something in another world somewhere +in the clouds, but simply a new order of things here, and that more +especially among the Jews. At times, it must be confessed, it is +difficult to understand what it meant if not an improved mental state, +and not a material kingdom at all. Jesus belonged to the working class, +and his followers were of the lower orders, and he constantly preached +against riches, which was very popular. His followers now appreciate +his sublime example so much, that they get rich as fast as they can, +especially the successors of the Apostles, who are content if they can +only get princely incomes, and a palace wherein to lay their heads! + +Jesus wanted followers, so he walked out by the sea of Galilee, and saw +Peter and Andrew casting their nets. If they had been only fishing for +small fry, he could not have more contemptuously addressed them. "And he +said unto them, Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men. And they +straightway left their nets and followed him." A curious phenomenon +strikes one here. Peter and Andrew have never seen Jesus before; he does +not tell them who he is; he explains no principles to them by which to +enlist their sympathies and awaken conviction--he merely says, "follow +me, and I will make you fishers of men," and in prospect of that +delightful occupation they abandon their home and calling to accompany a +stranger on a doubtful mission, Whatever fish may have come to their net +afterwards, they certainly could never have caught two greater flat-fish +than themselves. A more striking instance of blind following is not to +be found upon record. Peter afterwards became the greatest fanatic of +all the Disciples, and caused his Master some trouble through his excess +of zeal. And this is the man to whom are entrusted the keys of heaven. +No wonder the ignorant fanatics find a ready admission, whilst sensible +people are excluded. And he too is the great predecessor of the Pope +of Rome, the head of a Church which preaches the efficacy of saints' +relics, the liquefaction of blood, and the truth of winking virgins. +Fanaticism was at the foundation, and delusion and ignorance very +naturally result. Others followed Jesus, forsaking their nets and their +parents, and they went about all Galilee, Jesus preaching and curing +all sorts of disease and sickness--and curious indeed were some of his +cures, such as are not mentioned in any modern pharmacopoeia. Having +vanquished great Satan himself on three occasions, the minor devils had +no chance with him, and woe betide all who came before him inhabiting +human beings. All these cures were performed that a prophecy might be +fulfilled, "which was spoken by Esaias the prophet, saying-, Himself +took our infirmities, and bare our sicknesses." But then he did nothing +of the kind. And so that prophecy was fulfilled! To cure a disease is +not to take it upon ourselves; if it were, the Royal College of Surgeons +would soon become an institution of the past. You might love your +neighbour as yourself, but to be expected to have the measles tor him, +would cool the warmest friendship. + +One style of cure Jesus had which may have been very efficacious, but +it certainly was not delicate. Once a deaf man, who had an impediment in +his speech, was brought to him to be healed. Jesus took him aside from +the multitude, and put his fingers into his ears, and spat and touched +his tongue. And a blind man was brought to him, whom he took by the hand +and led out of the town; and when he had spit on his eyes, and put his +hands on him, asked him if he saw aught And the man was restored to +sight This kind of lubrication could scarcely be deemed pleasant. + +Neither do we find an incentive to cleanliness in this, for we are told, +"as he spake, a certain Pharisee besought him to dine with him; and +he went in, and sat down to meat And when the Pharisee saw it, he +mar-yelled that he had not first washed before dinner. And the Lord said +onto him, Now do ye Pharisees make clean the outside of the cup and the +platter; but your inward part is full of ravening wickedness. Ye +fools, did not he that made that which is _without_, make that which it +_within_ also?" This may be very true, but it is also very dirty; and +though it may satisfy the Son of God, would not be an excuse for any man +who wished to be considered decent. + +The fame of Jesus spread rapidly, and great multitudes flocked to hear +him. One day he went up into a mountain, and addressed the people, but +his discourse was of rather an extravagant description. As we understand +matters in these days, what is the amount of truth contained in the +following sentences?-- + +"Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. + +"Blessed art they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. + +"Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. + +"Blessed an the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy. + +"Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God. + +"Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of +God. + +"Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for +theirs is the kingdom of heaven. + +"Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall +say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake." + +This kingdom of heaven is past all comprehension. The poor in spirit +have it, and the persecuted for righteousness' sake have it; and if +these are the penalties to be paid for its possession, it is not worth +the winning. Then is it possible or proper for any one to act in this +way:--"If thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out; if thy right hand +offend thee, cut it off?" Who in his senses would think of doing so? +Who would stand by and allow others to do it? And who lives according +to this Christian principle, and who follows this precept:--"Resist not +evil; but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the +other also?" In the first place, it is grossly immoral _not_ to resist +evil; and in the second, all the world repudiates the doctrine of +non-resistance under such circumstances. If any one smites us on the +right cheek, do we not quickly turn and hit him on the left? It is a +natural instinct, and to act otherwise is cowardice. Do the proceedings +of our law courts furnish many instances of the adoption of this +recommendation:--"And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away +thy coat, let him have thy cloak also?" One half humanity would very +soon be stripped by the other half. "And whoever shall compel thee to +go a mile, go with him twain. Give to him that asketh thee, and from him +that would borrow of thee turn not thou away." No one with any spirit +or power of resistance would think of submitting to the _compulsion_ of +walking a mile with a person, much less of going two in the company of +one whose society might be a nuisance. And if we are to give to every +one that asketh, what are our vagrancy laws but a flagrant violation +of Christianity? The injunction is here given without the slightest +qualification, and is an encouragement to mendicancy the world over. + +There are one or two precepts specially binding on Christians of the +present day! This, for instance, is very much obeyed:--"And when thou +prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are; for they love to pray +standing in the synagogues, _and in the corners of the streets_, that +they may be seen of men." This, we know, is universally observed by +the followers of Jesus. It is obeyed by the ordained minister in his +canonicals; the Primitive in his whitewashed tabernacle; the Methodist +in his tub; the Revivalists in their delirious and epileptic gatherings; +the Ranters in their camp meetings, and howling peregrinations through +our country towns and villages; and above all, those highly gifted young +men belonging to the Town Mission, who render the night hideous by their +insane ravings at the corners of the streets and in the paths of public +places. It is consoling to find the "salt of the earth" such consistent +followers of their great Master. It is because _they_ are the salt of +the earth, that the world has got into such a precious pickle. + +Bishops especially, and pluralists in particular, nurse in their hearts +this saying: "Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth." No, poor +men, they think too much about their heavenly Father! A few thousand! +a year are quite sufficient for them. And Christian bankers and +millionaires equally regard the injunction. + +This is a Christian country, and we are a Christian people, and our +various provident and benefit societies and savings' banks tell how we +esteem this command: "Take no thought for the morrow, saying, What shall +we eat? or, what shall we drink? or, wherewithal shall we be clothed?" +We don't think of the morrow merely, but of years to come, and he who is +the most careful in providing for the future, is most honoured amongst +men. + +Now all these impracticable and extravagant commands are taken from the +much-vaunted Sermon on the Mount, and Jesus said, whosoever heard them, +and obeyed them, he would liken unto a _wise_ man; but whosoever obeyed +them not, he would liken unto a foolish man. It may be an honour to be +deemed foolish in such a case; but what shall we say of the professing +Christian, who considers himself so much superior to the Freethinker, +and who boasts of his principles being the checks which keep him moral, +and says that if it had not been for his blessed Saviour the world would +have been lost? Why, out of the mouth of Jesus himself he is proved to +be a hypocrite and foolish, for he does what is solemnly condemned, +and leaves undone what is strictly enjoined. "And it came to pass, +when Jesus had ended these sayings, the people _were_ astonished at +his doctrine." And can any rational inquirer be astonished at that? +On reading over these Gospels calmly, and seeing what are attributed to +Jesus as his sayings and doings, one is amazed at the credulity of the +world in allowing such a stupendous delusion as the Christian religion +to be palmed upon it as something divine derived direct from Deity. + +After this startling sermon, great multitudes followed Jesus, and +wherever he went he healed the sick and performed miracles, but he +generally enjoined the convalescents not to mention to any one what +he had done. The reason for this is not given, but if one may make a +conjecture, it was either because he had really worked no cure at all, +or else he was afraid of having too many demands made upon his time. +We are told that when "Jesus saw great multitudes about him, he gave +commandment to depart unto the other side" of the water, that he might +get away from them. Before he departed, a disciple said unto him, "Lord, +suffer me first to go and bury my father. But Jesus said unto him, +Follow me, and let the dead bury their dead." Is this an instance of +meekness? + +When on board the ship, a great storm came on, and the sailors were +afraid of being wrecked. So they awoke Jesus, telling him of their +danger. He first chided them, and then scolded the winds and the waves, +which at once subsided. When he was come to the other side, into the +country of the Gergesenes, he was met by two men possessed with devils, +who asked him if he had come to torment them before their time? And +singular to say, the devils also, from the _interior_, entered into +conversation with Jesus, asking as a favour, that if they were cast out, +they might be allowed to go into a herd of swine which were feeding some +distance off. Why they should choose such an abode is not apparent; but +having permission to go, they at once entered into possession, much to +the astonishment of the poor porkies, who took fright and ran violently +down a steep hill into the sea, and all, to the number of 2,000, +perished in the waters. O unhappy pigs! O miserable devils! the Son of +man, whom you had never injured, worked your speedy destruction. "And, +behold, the whole city came out to meet Jesus; and when they saw him, +they besought him that he would depart out of _their_ coasts." They +had more desire to save their bacon than to see miracles worked at the +expense of their pigs. Jesus entered into a ship and came over to his +own city, where a certain ruler came and worshipped him, saying that his +daughter was dead, but making the request that she should be raised to +life again. When Jesus entered the ruler's house, he said, "Give place, +for the maid is not dead, but sleepeth." And they laughed him to scorn. +But when the house was cleared he took the girl by the hand, and the +maid arose. This was regarded as a miracle, but it could not be, because +Jesus said the girl only slept, and it is not possible that a perfect +God could tell an untruth. + +After this Jesus called together his twelve disciples, and gave them +instructions what to do. He said:--"Provide neither gold, nor silver, +nor brass in your purses, nor scrip for your journey, neither two coats, +neither shoes, nor yet staves; for the workman is worthy of his meat. +And into whatsoever city or town ye shall enter, inquire who in it is +worthy; and there abide till ye go hence. And when ye come into a house, +salute it. And if the house be worthy, let your peace come upon it; but +if it be not worthy, let your peace return to you. And whosoever shall +not receive you, nor hear your words, when ye depart out of that house +or city, shake off the dust of your feet. Verily I say unto you, It +shall be more tolerable for the land of Sodom and Gomorrha in the day of +judgment than for that city." But it is doubtful if he meant the land of +Sodom and Gomorrha, or Tyre and Sidon. However, though we may overlook +this uncertainty, we cannot the fact, that a threat of destroying cities +is held out if his disciples are not received and fed by people upon +whom they have not the slightest claim. This advice would justify the +order of 'Mendicant Friars in their lazy habit of living upon all who +are willing to support them. He also added--"Behold, I send you forth +as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and +harmless as doves." Have not the Jesuits carried out this advice? And +then he gave utterance to this painful truth to which the blood-stained +pages of history can testify:--"Think not that I am come to send peace +on earth: I came _not_ to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to +set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her +mother, and the daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a man's +foes shall be they of his own household. He that loveth father or mother +more than, me, is not worthy of me; and he that loveth son or daughter +more than me, is not worthy of me." There has been no peace, and there +can be none, in the world, so long as the contradictory and impossible +doctrines of Jesus of Nazareth are taught as infallible truth. House has +been divided against house, the father's hand lifted against the child, +and the mother's loving tenderness turned to bitterest hate, because of +differences of opinion upon Christian dogmas. + +While Jesus was making one of his incoherent speeches, somebody told him +that his mother and brothers were without, desiring to speak with him. +"But he answered and said unto him that told him, Who is my mother? +and who are my brethren? And he stretched forth his hand toward his +disciples, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren." There is here +manifested a want of natural affection unbecoming any man, and which +justifies M. Rénan in saying, notwithstanding his great reverence for +Jesus, that he was more loved than loving. There is scarcely a trace of +affection throughout his life, from his childhood to his death. He +was mystical and fanatical, like all who seek to set themselves up as +inspired teachers. + +One day Jesus sat by the sea-side and talked to the people in parables. +He is answerable for the following:--"For whosoever hath to him shall be +given, and he shall have more abundance; but whosoever hath _not_, from +him shall be taken away even that he hath." He says immediately after, +as a sort of apology, "Therefore speak I to then in parables, because +they seeing, see not; and hearing, they hear not, neither do they +understand." + +It would be a miracle greater than that worked among the pigs, if +anyone did understand. This sort of talk must have been indulged in for +amusement--it could not have had any serious purport, or if it had, it +is too profound to be understood. + +When Jesus learnt the execution of John the Baptist, he departed into +a desert place, but the multitude heard of him, and followed him out of +the cities. And when evening came, the disciples asked him to send the +multitude away, that they might go into the villages and buy themselves +victuals. We do not usually find villages in _desert_ places; but that +was quite as possible in this case as what followed. Jesus said they +need not go, and told the disciples to give to the people to eat. They +said, We have here but five loaves and two fishes. He said, Bring them +hither to me. And then looking up to heaven, he blessed and brake, and +distributed to the multitude. Now out of this very small commissariat, +about five thousand men, besides women and children, ate and were +filled, and left twelve baskets full of fragments at the end of the +feast. All we can deplore is, that the age of miracles is past. If +anyone could do this now, what a number of attached followers be would +have, no matter what his speculative opinions might be. He might believe +in the eternity of punishments; in three Gods in one, or one in three; +in election, predestination, or transmigration of souls--in short, in +anything or nothing; if he could only feed his flock by casting his eyes +up to heaven, he would soon empty all the churches and chapels in the +kingdom. As Rénan very powerfully points out, no miracle ever yet took +place under scientific conditions; and till one of this description +is wrought under such conditions, we must be allowed to suspend our +judgment. We do not say it did not take place, but we don't believe it. +It is true it does not say what kind of fishes the two were which served +to fill five thousand men, _besides_ women and children, who probably +ran the number up to eight thousand. Perhaps the fishes were whales, as +the whole story is so "very like a whale" that any suggested solution of +the astounding tale is legitimate. This miracle was once discussed by a +society in Chicago, and the 'cute American intellect found a key to the +mystery, for they _resolved_--"That the multitude must certainly have +made their repast off _multiplication tables_!" + +After this stupendous feat, Jesus constrained his disciples to get into +the ship and go across the water, whilst he remained behind to get rid +of his well fed friends. And when night came, the ship was tossed by the +storm. And in the fourth watch Jesus went unto them walking on the sea. +When his disciples saw him they said he was a spirit, and cried out for +fear. But Jesus said, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid. Then the +enthusiastic Peter said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on +the water. Jesus said, Come; to which Peter responded by stepping out of +the ship; but he could not float, and began to sink rapidly, and would +have perished if his master had not put out his hand and saved him. +If this system of aquatic locomotion could be instituted now, it would +supersede all lifeboats. But we have little _faith_ in these days of +scientific facts, and it requires an immense amount of that commodity to +be able to attempt even what was said to have been accomplished by the +founders of our national religion. + +Jesus did not confine his creative abilities to the solid comforts of +life, but exercised them upon the liquid luxuries of existence. Being +invited to a wedding, and there being no wine, his mother, with a +woman's natural solicitude on such an occasion, said to him, "They have +no wine. Jesus saith unto her, Woman, what have I to do with thee? mine +hour is not yet come." Now, what such a churlish answer had to do with +the simple remark made by his mother, we leave to gentle Christians +to say. However, after a time he became more amiable; and, no doubt, +reflecting upon the disappointment of those who had come to a marriage +feast, and found nothing but water to drink, he took compassion on +them, and turned the water into wine, to the extent of "six water pots, +containing two or three firkins apiece." "This beginning of miracles +did Jesus in Cana of Galilee, and manifested forth his glory; and his +disciples believed on him." Well they might; and we fear that any man +in these days who should do such things, would have many followers, in +spite of all the preaching of all the teetotallers, who, strange to say, +for the most part profess to be good Christians, notwithstanding that +Christ, when he had the opportunity of rebuking wine bibbing, did not do +so, but encouraged it by supplying the very beverage which teetotallers +so vehemently condemn. + +When Jesus came into the coasts of Cćsarea Philippi, he asked his +disciples, saying, Whom do men say that I the Son of Man am? He was +anxious to know what people thought of him now that he was become so +famous. "And they said, Some say that thou art John the Baptist; some, +Elias; and others, Jeremias, or one of the prophets. He saith unto them, +But whom say _ye_ that I am?" Of course Peter was ready to crown all, +and he said--"Thou art the Christ, the son of the living God." For which +Jesus blessed Peter, and promised him the keys of the kingdom of heaven; +but they soon fell to quarrelling, when Jesus said that he must go unto +Jerusalem, and suffer many things, and be killed, and be raised again +the third day. Peter rebuked him, and said it should not be; but Jesus +turned upon him, and said, "Get thee behind me, Satan: thou art an +offence unto me." It was not very dignified or in good taste after +Peter had imparted such an important fact to him, which was done by a +revelation of his Father which is in heaven.. But such was the manner of +Jesus. + +When he left Galilee, and came into Judća, he resolved to go to +Jerusalem; and when he was come to the Mount of Olives, he sent two +of his disciples to a village on a very questionable errand. It was to +perform no less an act than the appropriation of a donkey and her colt. +He told them that, if any one said aught unto them, they were to say, +"The Lord hath need of them." That kind of answer would scarcely be +deemed satisfactory in these days, especially to a policeman. He would +very likely reply, If the Lord hath need of the ass, the magistrate +hath need of thee; and if the instigator of the deed were not the actual +thief, he would be charged as an accessory before the fact, and would +be provided with board and lodging at the expense of the county for +at least twelve months. This was done that another prophecy might be +fulfilled, which said, "Tell ye the daughter of Sion, Behold, thy king +cometh unto thee, meek, and sitting upon an ass, and a colt the foal of +an ass." But this prophet must have been an ass, or he would have known +that even the Son of man would find it difficult to sit upon two asses +of such unequal size at the same time. Apart from the absurdity of the +story, it is an example of very loose notions indeed of the rights of +property, which, if stated of Mahomet, of Joseph Smith the Mormon, or +any other founder of a religious sect, would be quoted as a proof of his +obliquity of moral vision. After this successful exploit of taking unto +himself other people's goods, Jesus became quite daring; and when he got +to Jerusalem he went into the temple of God, where he found a number of +people carrying on their usual business. He had no more right there than +they had--in fact, not so much, as he was a stranger to the city. But, +notwithstanding this, he got a rope, and thrashed every one out of +the place, upsetting the tables and chairs, and creating such a +consternation as only a Bedlamite broken loose would be likely to +produce. Though this was immediately after the appropriation of the two +donkeys, upon which he had actually ridden to the temple, he called all +the tradespeople dishonest, and accused them of having turned the place +into a den of thieves. Whatever it might have been before he came, +certainly one would think the designation not inappropriate after the +arrival of himself and his disciples. He was not arrested on the spot +for this act of assault and battery; but what should we think of the +City Police Commissioner if he neglected to order into custody any mad +enthusiast who might so conduct himself on the Stock Exchange? But he +would not, and the enthusiast's vagaries and his visit to the police +cell would be a very little time apart. It would be no use his alleging +that he was about his Father's business, and that he was fulfilling +prophecy--that would only aggravate the offence. He would be told that +if his father did not take better care of him, the county asylum would; +and the prophet would very soon be "wanted" who had instigated such +folly. + +Jesus did not remain in the city during the night--it was not prudent +after such an advent in the morning, but he went and lodged in Bethany, +a little way out of town. In returning next morning he was hungry, so, +when he came to a fig-tree, he looked at it hoping to find some fruit +on it, but there was none, as it was not the right season. We should +forgive an excited hungry man here if he, in a moment of forgetfulness, +looked for apples in winter; but if he began to curse the tree for not +bearing fruit out of season, we should think he was mad past doubt. Yet +this is exactly what Jesus did; and not only so, but he withered the +tree that it should not bear fruit thenceforward forever. His disciples +marvelled at what he had done, as well they might. "Jesus answered and +said unto them, Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not, +ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye +shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into +the sea; it shall be done. And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in +prayer, believing, ye shall receive." No persons have ever yet had the +requisite amount of faith to remove mountains; and the less they try +such credulity on fruit trees, the better for our orchards. Nobody does +or can believe such insane talk. Jesus went to the temple again, and +whilst he was preaching, the Chief Priests and elders came and asked him +by what authority he did such things. In true Quaker style he answered +them by asking a question, which had the merit of being impossible of +solution. He said--"The baptism of John, whence was it? from heaven, or +of men?" They said: "We cannot tell. And he said unto them, Neither tell +I you by what authority I do these things." That seemed to silence his +interrogators, but it did not answer them. It was a favourite way with +this Messiah; and we remain as much in the dark to this hour as did the +Chief Priests and elders. This method of evasion is also exemplified +in the case of the tribute money. When asked whether it was lawful to +render tribute unto Cćsar, he said, looking at a coin, "Whose is this +image and superscription?" They said, Cćsar's. "Then saith he unto them, +Render therefore unto Cćsar the things which are Cćsar's, and unto God +the things that are God's." Rénan says on this point--"To establish as +a principle that we must recognise the legitimacy of a power by the +inscription on its coins, to proclaim that the perfect man pays tribute +with scorn, and without question, was to destroy Republicanism in the +ancient form, and to favour all tyranny. Christianity, in this sense, +has contributed much to weaken the sense of duty of the citizen, and to +deliver the world into the absolute power of existing circumstances." +But we are not surprised that he should so readily teach the payment of +tribute, considering how easy he found it to pay tribute himself; +for the ludicrous account given in Matthew, in the same chapter which +describes the transfiguration, shows Jesus discharging his own liability +and that of Peter in the most original manner imaginable. Not wishing +to offend the tax collectors, he said to Peter--"Go thou to the sea, and +cast an hook, and take up the fish that first cometh up; and when thou +hast opened his mouth, thou shalt find a piece of money: take that, and +give unto them for me and thee." If fish of this description swam +in rivers now, they would be preserved to the exclusion of the most +delicious members of the finny tribe. Every man would be an angler, +and fishing-tackle making would be the most lucrative trade known. +Take another instance of evasion. The Sadducees did not believe in +the resurrection, so they put a question to Jesus on that point. They +instanced a woman who had been married to seven brothers in succession, +all of whom had died. Therefore, in the resurrection, they asked whose +wife she would be out of the seven when they met again. This was quickly +disposed of, for "Jesus answered and said onto them, Ye do err, not +knowing the Scriptures, nor the power of God. For In the resurrection +they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of +God in heaven." If this is so, what becomes of the hope which believers +in immortality have that in heaven they will be joined again to those +they have lost on earth? This great consolation of the Christian is +founded on a delusion. Jesus also supplemented his statement with this +remarkable declaration, "But as touching the resurrection of the dead, +have ye not read that which was spoken unto you by God, saying, I am the +God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob? God is _not_ +the God of the _dead_, but of the _living_," What then is the use +of Catholic prayers for the souls of those in Purgatory? What is the +utility of our burial service, which goes upon the supposition that God +will attend to our requests as touching the dead we are about to consign +to the grave? Freethinkers and rational thinkers discard the whole +ceremony as a mockery. When once dead, the particles which composed our +bodies are dissolved, and pass into new combinations--_we_ never live +again. + +After he had done all his preaching, and had thoroughly aroused the ire +of the authorities and most of the people of Jerusalem against him, +he began to fear that he would have to suffer for it, and he told his +disciples so. After they had supped together in the house of one of +the friends, they departed to the Mount of Olives outside the city, and +Jesus said they would all be offended with him because of that night. +Peter the loquacious declared, that though all men might be offended +because of him, he would never be. Jesus had no great opinion of Peter's +steadfastness, and told him, notwithstanding his protestations of +attachment, that before the cock crew he would deny him thrice. Peter +asseverated again: "Though I should die with ye, yet will I not deny +thee." Poor Peter's word, like his judgment, however, was not to be +relied upon, for the very next day he denied all knowledge of Jesus, and +when pressed for an answer, he began to curse and to swear that he had +never seen him. Soon after this the Garden of Gethsemane, into which +they had entered; was surrounded by a multitude with staves and with +swords, and Jesus was arrested, Peter the dauntless did make some +resistance, and cut off the ear of Malchus, a servant of the High +Priest; but the loss was only temporary, for we are told that Jesus +immediately "touched his ear, and healed him," and if this does not +mean that he stuck the ear on again, what does it mean? When Jesus +was arrested in the Garden, all the disciples, escaped as quickly as +possible, but Peter followed at a distance; and when Jesus was taken to +the house of Caiaphas the High Priest, Peter entered and mixed with +the servants. He was soon recognised as a follower of Jesus; but when +accused of the fact, he stoutly denied it three times, the last with +oaths, like the low-bred man he was; for though he had been consorting +with Jesus a long time, he had not learnt refinement of manners, +which is not wonderful, as Jesus certainly did not set an example of +choiceness of language, his favourite mode of speech being to call +people fools, and to launch curses at them. But Peter had to fulfil a +prophecy--namely, that he would deny his master _thrice_, before the +cock crew _twice_, which he did before the cock crew _once_. And so that +prophecy was fulfilled! + +When Jesus was first examined on the charge of blasphemy he remained +silent, and would not answer any questions put to him. Then Caiaphas +said--"I adjure thee by the living God that thou tell us whether thou be +Christ, the Son of God." Jesus at last replied--"Thou hast said," which +may fairly be interpreted to mean, "You say I am, not I." This is in +keeping with his usual evasive mode of answering, as before pointed out. +Especially as he continued--"Nevertheless I say unto you, _Hereafter_ +shall ye see the Son of man sitting on the right hand of power, and +coming in the clouds of heaven." This was declared blasphemous, and we +know how excited bigoted people get when that word is pronounced. So +they struck the enthusiast, as he had struck others in the temple. In +the morning he was bound and led before Pilate the governor, who asked +him, "Art thou the king of the Jews?" He again answered, "Thou sayest" +And when the Chief Priests and elders repeated their charges, he still +refused to answer them, which surprised Pilate. However, Pilate saw no +harm in what he had done, and was anxious to set him at liberty; but the +priests, as is usual with them, persisted in their demands of vengeance +against one who had offended them. Then Jesus was delivered over to the +soldiers to be crucified, which was a very barbarous mode of execution. +He was cruelly treated by the soldiers, who were incited thereto by +the priests. He died the death of a malefactor, but his end was brought +about by his own wild and extravagant conduct. In these days he would +have been confined as a lunatic, but in that barbarous time, and +under the influence of priests, he was tortured to death. No one +can contemplate his fate, whatever his faults may have been, without +feelings of sorrow. But if his death was to fulfil prophecy, and to save +a lost and ruined world, we ought to regard it with exultation and great +joy, and not only observe Good Friday as a national holiday, but every +Friday as a public festival. But who, on calmly reading the narrative, +and dismissing from his mind the fables taught him in his childhood, can +see anything supernatural in Jesus' life and death? He displayed through +life all the infirmities and littlenesses of a man, and he died like one +who had brought about his own death by his own acts. When on the cross, +and no doubt in mortal agony, he exclaimed, in the utterness of despair, +like one who had long trusted to a delusion, and when too late had found +out his mistake--"My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" The Chief +Priests and elders, the people about, and even the two thieves who were +dying with him, jeered him for his folly, saying, "He trusted in God; +let him deliver him now, if he will have him: for he said, I am the Son +of God." But there was no deliverance from heaven for him more than for +any other man. + +Jesus had acted so extravagantly from the time he entered on public +life that it is not surprising that his followers were infected by his +example, and it is to them we are indebted for the re-appearance of +Jesus after he was dead and buried. He himself said that he was to +fulfil the prophecy of Jonas, for, as he was three days and three nights +in the belly of the whale, so should the Son of man be three days and +three nights in the heart of the earth. Yet he never went into the heart +of the earth, but was laid in a tomb or cave with a door to it; and he +was not even there three days and three nights, but only two nights, +and not two days altogether. And so that prophecy was fulfilled! Jesus +prophesied his own resurrection only, but the earthquake which followed +his death was no respecter of persons, for when the veil of the temple +was rent in twain from the top to the bottom, and the earth did quake, +and the rocks were rent, the graves were opened, and many bodies of +the saints which slept arose, and came out of the graves after his +resurrection, and went into the holy city, and appeared unto many. No +orthodox, Christians doubt for a moment that Jesus rose again from the +dead, because he was to do so, and he was the Son of God; but do they +believe these unknown saints revisited the glimpses of the moon, and +experienced a resurrection equal to that of Jesus, for no purpose at +all, and for no merit of their own? Yet we have no more authority for +the one than the other, and no reason to believe one more than the +other. Toward the end of the Sabbath (that is, Saturday evening) came +Mary Magdalene, with the other Mary, to see the sepulchre where Jesus +was laid, and another earthquake took place, and the angel of the Lord +descended from heaven, and came and rolled back the stone from the door, +and sat upon it. His countenance was like lightning, and his raiment +like snow. He told the women that Jesus had risen, and asked them to see +the place where the Lord lay. But whether they looked or not we are not +told, but they ran away with fear and great joy to tell the disciples. +And as they went, whom should they meet but Jesus himself, who said +to them, "All hail." But then there is some little confusion in this +infallible narrative. It was not towards the end of Saturday, but very +early in the morning of Sunday, at the rising of the sun, that the women +came, and for the purpose of anointing the body. And the stone was still +against the door, and they said, Who shall roll us away the stone? But +when they looked again the stone was away, and on entering the sepulchre +they saw a young man dressed in white sitting _inside_, and no angel +with a lightning face sitting _outside_. The women fled with terror, but +told no man what they had seen; and it isa mystery to this day how that +which was never told to any one is known to nearly all the world. Jesus +did not meet the two Marys, but appeared first to Mary Magdalene, out of +whom he had cast seven devils. She went and told the disciples about the +resurrection, but they believed her not. He appeared afterwards to two +of his disciples, but they did not believe in his resurrection, neither +did the eleven disciples, to whom he appeared. If they who knew him +intimately did not believe in it after only three days' absence from +them, shall we, after a lapse of eighteen hundred years, put faith in +this clumsy, impossible, and absurd fable? But perhaps the condition +he attached to the belief may have something to do with the faith of so +many people in these days. He said, after upbraiding his disciples for +their unbelief and hardness of heart--"He that believeth and is baptised +shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned." That threat, +fulminated from thousands of pulpits, has frightened timid and weak +people in nearly every age of the Christian era. But then again there +were not two women but many who went to the sepulchre, and they found +the stone away; and when they entered they saw two men in shining +garments, and the women did not conceal what they had seen, but went and +told all the disciples, but they were not believed. This time the lively +Peter ran to the tomb to look for himself, and saw nothing but the linen +clothes lying by themselves. After that two of the disciples went to +Emmana, where Jesus himself joined them, but they knew him not, and did +not believe the story of his resurrection. He then rebuked them in +his usual sweet and placid style, by exclaiming, "O fools, and slow of +heart," and beginning at Moses and all the prophets, "he expounded unto +them in all the Scriptures the things concerning himself," which must +have been a tolerably long discourse for one so recently out of the +grave. They asked him to stop with them and have something to eat, +which, his appetite being as good as ever, he consented to do; and it +was his mode of breaking bread and blessing it that convinced them that +he was Jesus. And he then vanished out of their sight. They went to +Jerusalem and told the others what they had seen, and while they were +talking Jesus stood in the midst of them; but they did not know him +again, but took him to be a spirit. He said--"Behold my hands and my +feet, that it is myself; for a spirit hath not flesh and bones as ye see +me have." And while they yet believed not for joy and wondered, he said +unto them, "Have ye here any meat?" He was again hungry, and they gave +him a piece of broiled fish and a honeycomb. And he took it, and did eat +before them. That was enough to convince them a second time. "And he led +them out as far as Bethany, and he lifted up his hands and blessed them. +And it came to pass, while he blessed them, he was parted from them, and +carried up into heaven," with the broiled fish on his stomach, where he +entered into joy everlasting. + +The foregoing will certainly be declared "blasphemous" by all true +believers, and will no doubt be pronounced a "caricature" of Jesus by +even Unitarians. But the fault does not lie with us--it is in the text, +which we did not make. We are not responsible for the representation, +for we have scrupulously followed the inspired delineations of the +Evangelists. Let us briefly sum up this biography. + +Jesus was the Son of God, and not the son of his mother's husband, and +his mother remained a virgin notwithstanding his conception and birth, +although she strangely offered the usual sacrifice when the days of her +purification were accomplished. + +He was descended from the royal line of David, that is, Joseph the +husband of his mother was so descended; but then Joseph was not his +father at all. + +The miraculous boy was to fulfil many prophecies; but although he often +purposely acted in order to fulfil them, several given as illustrations +are singularly wide of the mark. + +At twelve years of age he was a match for learned doctors in +disputation, and could pertly rebuke his mother for inquiring where he +had been for three days and three nights. + +He was baptised at thirty by John, who taught him rudeness of manners; +and though a dove descended direct from heaven, and alighted on his +head, he was immediately taken by the spirit into very dangerous places, +was kept a remarkably long time without food, and was very strangely +tempted by the Devil in person. + +He became a great talker, dealt largely in mystical language, and +gathered followers from the poorest, most ignorant, and most credulous +of his countrymen. + +He cured all sorts of diseases and afflictions, though there is no +evidence that he ever underwent a medical training. + +He worked miracles, as became an Eastern founder of a sect, but his +achievements scarcely rank as high as the tricks of an Indian juggler. + +He was uneducated, and never, so far as the record goes, wrote a line +in his life; but as a preacher he was famous, and always succeeded +in making his hearers marvel at his strange doctrines--doctrines so +contradictory that no sane man can follow them. + +He was vituperative in his language, austere in his manners, undutiful +and repelling to his mother. + +He appropriated other persons' property, and immediately after violently +assaulted a large number of men, whom he charged with being dishonest. + +When asked questions touching vital points of his own doctrines, he +usually gave evasive answers. + +He promised his disciples all sorts of wonderful powers if they would +believe in him, and he promised also to come in a cloud with great glory +before that generation passed away; but having risen from the grave, and +ascended into heaven, he has not returned in a cloud with glory up to +the time of our going to press. + +He ultimately met the death of a malefactor, and in the last moments of +agony his fanaticism was strong upon him, for he promised to the thief +who flattered him that he would meet him that day in paradise, though he +did not go there himself till about six weeks afterwards. + +After his death he was brought to life again, thus defying all the laws +of physiology. When but just out of the grave, his powers of preaching +were as strong as ever, and his appetite as vigorous as though he had +returned from a long journey; and after partaking of a singular repast, +and before he had had time to digest it, he ascended into the clouds +without the aid of a balloon, and was seen no more. + +All this, with much more of the same incredible nature, is taught as +infallible truth by some of the best educated men the Universities can +produce, and belief in the whole of it is necessary to "respectability" +in this life, and to salvation in a life after death. How educated men +can believe it, is a mystery which we trust the School Boards of the +future will be able to unravel; at present we find it as insoluble as +all the other sublime mysteries of Christianity, for we cannot believe +that a University training necessarily makes men hypocrites, and we are +loth to believe that on one most important subject it necessarily makes +them imbecile. + +There would be fewer believers if there were more inquirers. The +advocates of Bible reading in Elementary Schools must feel that there +is danger to the faith lurking in the future if that "precious book" +is read and not "expounded." Dogmatic teaching is the stronghold of +the religion of Christendom. The "plain, unvarnished tale" of the +Four Gospels would carry with it its own condemnation, for the best +refutation of Christianity is a true knowledge of Christ. + + + Printed and Published by + C. Watts, 17, Johnson's Court, Fleet St, London, E.C. + PRICE TWOPENCE + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Ludicrous Aspects Of Christianity, by +Austin Holyoak + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LUDICROUS ASPECTS OF CHRISTIANITY *** + +***** This file should be named 36800-8.txt or 36800-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/6/8/0/36800/ + +Produced by David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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