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diff --git a/37779.txt b/37779.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..923ded0 --- /dev/null +++ b/37779.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1921 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 62, +January 6, 1872, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 62, January 6, 1872 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: October 18, 2011 [EBook #37779] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, LONDON CHARIVARI, JAN 6, 1872 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Ernest Schaal, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. +VOL. 62. +JANUARY 6TH, 1872. + + [Illustration: PUNCH + VOL LXII.] + + LONDON: + PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, + AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. + 1872. + + LONDON: + BRADBURY, EVANS, AND CO., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS. + + [Illustration: PREFACE] + +"GENTLEMEN ARBITRATORS, I salute you in the concrete," said MR. PUNCH, +walking up to the table of the Hall of Congress at Geneva. "I also +salute you specially. COUNT SCLOPIS, _una voce poco fa_; M. STAEMPFLI, +my Merry Swiss Boy, _point d'argent, point de Suisse_; BARON ITAJUBA, I +hope your _sangre azul_ is cool this hot weather." + +"Really, MR. PUNCH," said the LORD CHIEF JUSTICE COCKBURN---- + +"And really, my dear SIR ALEXANDER," was MR. PUNCH's lightning-like +repartee. "How are you? and DAVIS, my BANCROFT, how are you? Have you +seen MRS. BANCROFT in _Caste_? Capital, isn't she? And now to business, +and after that we'll go for a row on the Lake, my Allobroges. Know they +settled here, DAVIS?" + +"I know several things," said MR. DAVIS, "and one is that you have no +business in this chamber." + +"_Rem acu tetigisti_, my Occidental. My visit is strictly on pleasure. +And I reckon to have the pleasure of sticking these here Negotiations in +a greased groove before I quit." + +"Porter!" exclaimed the COUNT SCLOPIS, angrily. + +"Not a drop, I thank you," said MR. PUNCH, smiling. "We should not get +it good here. A bottle of Seltzer, if you please, with a slight dash of +the liquid named after yonder lake, but unsweetened." + +His exquisite good-temper--he associates with GRANVILLE and +DISRAELI--was too much for the dignitaries. They all shook hands with +him, said he was welcome, and begged that he would go away until +dinner-time. + +"Not a bit of it, my Beamish Boys," said MR. PUNCH. "I am going to earn +that dinner." + +"But, dear MR. PUNCH," pleaded MR. DAVIS, "we can't admit another +British Representative, especially so omnipotent a one as yourself." + +"You are polite, and I'm cosmopolite, my dear DAVIS. _Non ubi nascor, +sed ubi pascor_, and being asked to an international repast I shall +behave internationally." + +"You will have to let him speak," laughed BARON ITAJUBA. + +"You open your mouth to drop Brazilian diamonds, my Baron." + +"_He'd better remain, for I don't think he'll go_," gaily carolled the +Chief Justice, with a reminiscence of a burlesque written at a time when +burlesques were comic. + +"_Take your brief, and belabour away_," sang the Merry Swiss Boy. + +"Come, MR. PUNCH," said the Count, "you and I have a common Italian +ancestry. Do us credit." + +"_Con rispetto parlando_, Count, you ought not to doubt that I shall. +Arbitrators! Have you all read RABELAIS?" + +"There's a question!" shouted Everybody, indignantly. "Have five great +nations sent clowns to represent them?" + +"I will soon see about that," said MR. PUNCH. "When the good PANTAGRUEL +was asked to decide a most tangled, knotty, and vast law-suit, over +which a hundred lawyers had wrangled and fattened for years, what was +his first order? Nay, answer me not in words, but let me take my cooling +draught, and see whether you know RABELAIS." + +As with one impulse all sprang up, delight in each face. Secretaries and +porters were summoned, and every scrap of paper, from the smallest Note +to the most gigantic Case was removed into the court-yard. In five +minutes all the painted glass in the windows was richly illuminated, and +the flames roared like Vesuvius. + +"In these circumstances," said MR. PUNCH, "and as thinking of the +'frozen Caucasus' will not enable one to bear roasting, M. the Count, +you might order me some ice." + +"Icebergs to MR. PUNCH till further notice," said the magnificent +Italian, in a style worthy of COSMO himself. + +"You _have_ studied RABELAIS," said MR. PUNCH, when the fire had +subsided, "and I am sure that you will continue to be guided by his +wisdom. Do you accept my sentence, in this Anglo-American business, as +final. No 'understandings,' mind. Swear it, with good mouth-filling +oaths." + +They all sent out fervent voices, but MR. DAVIS (who has had the +advantage of knowing MR. GREELEY) discharged a kuss so terrific that it +tore all the other sounds to tatters. + +"Hear, and record the oath, immoral Gods!" exclaimed MR. PUNCH, in a +manner like that of JOHN KEMBLE, only superior in impressiveness. "And +now I shall give you a judgment like that of the good PANTAGRUEL. +Stenographers!" + +Then said PANTAGRUEL-PUNCH, "and the pauses amid his speech were more +awful than the sound:" + +"=Not= having read one word of the cackle just combusted, and knowing +and caring nothing about the matter in question, I hereby give sentence +that England shall pay to America, on the first of April last, nineteen +thousand bottles of hay with a needle in each. Shall, on the very first +Sunday in the middle of the week, further pay to America eleven millions +of pigs in pokes; and finally, and without fail, Shall, in the next +Greek Kalends, remit to Washington two billions of bottles of smoke, and +one thousand casks of the best pickled Australian moonshine, deodorised +and aerated. + +"=But= seeing that America, in her turn, has reparation to make, I +hereby give sentence that she shall send to England, on the day of the +election of the first Coloured President, twelve thousand barrels of the +best pearl-oysters, the pearls to be set with emeralds and rubies. +Shall, on the day of celebration of the utter and entire extinction of +Bunkum, further pay to England eighty thousand barrels of Columbian +Hail, and as many Birds o' Freedom, potted with truffles; and lastly, +Shall, on the recognition of the Independence of Mormonism, remit to +London a hundred boxes of the letters of which the United States have +robbed the Queen's English; a thousand of the ropes which ought to have +been used in accelerating the quietude of Fenianism, and finally, and +without fail, shall pay 30 per cent. on the profits of 'annexed' English +literature. + +"=And= this I give for final judgment and decree indissoluble." + +Everybody remained wrapt, in speechless admiration at the ineffable +wisdom of PANTAGRUEL-PUNCH, who had thus SETTLED THE AMERICAN QUESTION. +But what a shout went up to the Empyrean when he gently added:-- + +"To enable you to interpret this sentence aright, I present you with my + + "=Sixty-Second Volume.=" + + [Illustration] + + [Illustration: EUROPE. ASIA. PUNCH AFRICA. AMERICA. + VOL. 62] + + OUR QUEEN TO HER PEOPLE. + +WE open our New Volume with a record that will become historical. No +more acceptable Christmas gift could have been bestowed upon a loyal and +affectionate people than that which QUEEN VICTORIA has been pleased to +present. It is the simple, warm, graceful expression of a Mother's "deep +sense of the touching sympathy of the whole Nation on the occasion of +the alarming illness of her dear son, the PRINCE OF WALES." Thus writes +our Sovereign, dating, happily, from Windsor Castle:-- + + "The universal feeling shown by her people during those painful, + terrible days, and the sympathy evinced by them with herself and + her beloved daughter, the PRINCESS OF WALES, as well as the + general joy at the improvement in the PRINCE OF WALES'S state, + have made a deep and lasting impression on her heart which can + never be effaced. It was, indeed, nothing new to her, for the + QUEEN had met with the same sympathy when just ten years ago a + similar illness removed from her side the mainstay of her life, + the best, wisest, and kindest of husbands. + + "The QUEEN wishes to express at the same time, on the part of + the PRINCESS OF WALES, her feelings of heartfelt gratitude, for + she has been as deeply touched as the QUEEN by the great and + universal manifestation of loyalty and sympathy. + + "The QUEEN cannot conclude without expressing her hope that her + faithful subjects will continue their prayers to God for the + complete recovery of her dear son to health and strength." + +"What can he do that cometh after the King?" is the language of the +Book. He who cometh after the QUEEN will vainly seek to write worthy +comment on these words. But comment will be supplied by all the hearts +that are rejoicing in the happiness of a Mother and of a Wife, and in +the deliverance of a Nation from a great sorrow. + + * * * * * + + The Festive Bored. + +IN olden time the boar's head was a common Christmas adjunct to the +board. The custom, it appears, has not entirely yet died out. If one +believes one's eyes and ears, one can hardly ever join a family +Christmas party, without finding at least one, if not more than one, +bore's head there. + + * * * * * + + THE NATIONS' NEW-YEAR'S DAY. + +BENEATH the fading mistletoe in Time's wide-echoing Hall,-- +The Yule-log's light still brisk and bright, on storied roof and wall-- +The Spirits of the Nations, some strange, some kith and kin, +Are met to flout the Old Year out and _fete_ the New Year in. + +With war-stains dim on robe and limb, fresh scars on cheek and brow, +France strives to look as though no pains could crush, no losses bow: +But her glance is quick and restless, and her hands are never still, +As one that, fevered inly, masks but masters not her ill. + +As if in mock of Christmas wreaths,--their "peace, good-will to men"-- +What fierce hate in her eyes whene'er proud Prussia meets their ken! +Prussia that, stern and stately, her great sword, laurel-wreathed, +Bears wary, so, 'tis hard to know if bare the blade, or sheathed. + +So light and lithe that stalwart frame in movement or at rest, +You scarce would deem you caught the gleam of steel below her breast; +Beneath the wide imperial robe, that, fire-new, sweeps the ground, +With what now seems a diadem, and now a helmet, crowned. + +But mark yon maid, of loveliness more radiant and more rare +Than all the showers of gems and flowers that star her night of hair; +For strength and grace to fit that face, what music but the tongue +Wherein stern DANTE chaunted, and silvery PETRARCH sung? + +Queen among Queens! But never Queen full-robed and crowned till now, +The double diadem of Rome on her exultant brow! +Who notes the dust, who recks the rust, that dulls or dims its sheen, +Or asks how she came by it, or through what mire it has been? + +From sleep or strife new roused to life that lights her antique face, +No monkish train nor slavish chain to cramp her strength and grace, +What wonder if she hardly know in soberness to still +The throbbing of late-loosened blood, the stir of waking will? + +Others are there, though notable, less notable than these: +See Russia, blue-eyed giantess, still rude and ill at ease: +But who can tell what undrawn wells of power and strength are there, +Under the brow that looms so broad below her fell of hair? + +And Austria, motley madam, 'twixt Vienna _demi-monde_, +Tyrolian _maedchen_, Magyar _brune_, and rough Sclavonian _blonde_: +Of look more gracious than her mood, more potent than her power, +Trying all arts, and changing trick and toilet with the hour. + +And Spain, still proud as when she walked New World and Old a Queen, +Beneath her soiled and frayed brocades the rags plain to be seen, +Stately of speech, but beggarly of all but sounding phrase, +Slattern at home and shrew abroad, in worse as better days. + +With sidelong and suspicious looks on Russia, Austria cast, +Which scarce her yashmak serves to hide, see Turkey gliding past. +A harem-beauty out of place 'twixt angers and alarms +At the hot looks of would-be Lords, that lust to own her charms. + +Casting about for shelter she draws where, hand in hand, +Fair England and Columbia, proud child, proud mother, stand: +Time was upon each other they had turned less friendly eyes, +But of late both have grown wiser than let angry passions rise. + +To the side of stout BRITANNIA I see scared Turkey creep, +Though BRITANNIA lifts no finger her foes at bay to keep: +But, for all her quiet bearing, there is something in her air +That brings to mind the good old saw, "Of sleeping dogs beware!" + +Twelve struck--and I saw grey Old Time his wassail-bowl uprear, +As he called on all the Nations to drink in the New Year; +But first to drink the Old Year out, that to his end has come, +With small cause to regret him, as he passes on to doom. + +And looking on those Nations, scarce a single face I saw +But over it lay such a cloud as doubt and fear might draw: +As if all wished the Old Year gone, while yet all doubted sore +If their welcome to the New Year should be hopefuller, therefor. + +Some, thinking of disasters past, worse sorrows seemed to see, +In the near or farther future, up seething gloomily: +Some thinking of advantage won, seemed scarce to trust their hold +On that advantage, lest their prize turn dust, like fairy gold. + +Only methought that Britain and Columbia, 'mid their peers, +Showed eyes more hopeful, calmer brows, and lips less pale with fears: +As having clearer view than most where surest faith should lie-- +To put their trust in Providence, and keep their powder dry. + +As being bent to fight the fight of common sense and truth: +Nor yield the faith therein to fear, the rights thereof to ruth: +Not give knaves, fools, or fanatics, the driving seat and reins: +Worthy his hire to own each man who works, with hand or brains. + +To recognise the Heavenly rule that various lots assigns, +But ranges high and low alike 'neath Duty's even lines: +To do to others as we would that they to us should do, +To prize the blessings that we have, and others help thereto. + +While Britain to this faith is firm, and puts this faith in deed, +Little to her how plenteous or how poor the years succeed. +She holds a hope good fortune reared not up, ill casts not down; +Trusting the Power whose hand alike is o'er Red-Cap and Crown. + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: UTILE CUM DULCE.] + +_Inquisitive Gent._ "YOU WILL--A--THINK ME VERY INDISCREET--BUT I CANNOT +HELP WONDERING WHAT THIS ELABORATELY-CARVED AND CURIOUSLY-RAMIFIED +STRUCTURE IS FOR. IS IT FOR ORNAMENT ONLY, OR INTENDED TO HEAT THE +HOUSE, OR SOMETHING?" + +_Fastidious Host._ "O, IT'S THE _DRAINS_! I LIKE TO HAVE 'EM WHERE I CAN +LOOK AFTER 'EM MYSELF. POOTY DESIGN, AIN'T IT? MAJOLICA, YOU KNOW.... +HAVE SOME CHICKEN?" + + * * * * * + + OLD GHOSTS AND NEW. + +OF old, around the whitening embers, +One, here and there, as yet remembers +The tales of Ghosts, at Christmas season, +Which once were wont to stagger Reason. + +Those tales are told no more at Christmas, +Whose Ghosts are laid beyond the Isthmus +Of Suez, all beneath the billows +Of the Red Sea, on sandy pillows. + +The Ghosts with eyes of flame and saucer +Are now as obsolete as CHAUCER; +No Ghosts now rattle chains, nor blue light +Emit, but "Spirit Lights"--a new light. + +White-sheeted Ghosts have grown mere fables. +Instead of groaning, Ghosts rap tables: +With smells of sulphur ne'er assail us; +With curious perfumes oft regale us. + +They "mediums" raise by "levitation," +And subject them to elongation, +And in and out of windows float them, +Two stories high, lords vow, we quote them. + +Fruit, flowers, ice, other forms of matter, +On tables, in the dark, Ghosts scatter; +Live lobsters, wriggling eels, and so forth: +Thus their "so potent art" they show forth. + +There is a lady, MRS. GUPPY, +Mark, shallow scientific puppy, +The heaviest she in London, marry, +Her, Spirits three miles long did carry. + +Upon a table down they set her, +Within closed doors. What! you know better? +And we're all dupes or self-deceivers? +Yah, Sadducees and unbelievers! + +Some Ghosts, do, mortal hands compelling, +Write letters in phonetic spelling. +Some others, on accordions, cunning +In music, _Home, Sweet Home_, play, punning. + +The grisly Ghosts of old have vanished; +The ancient Bogies all are banished. +How much more credible and pleasant +Than the old Spirits are the present! + + * * * * * + +Memorandum for Lords of the Manor. + +A GAME which, when played on Commons, becomes illegal, is the Game of +Cribbage. + + * * * * * + + MEDICAL BARS. + + MR. PUNCH, + +A PRETTY dodge that is of the doctors and sawbones which have signed +that there declaration respectin' Halcohol has as bin publish'd in the +Papers. Wot I refers to moor partickler is their sayin that "Alcohol, in +whatever form, should be prescribed with as much care as any powerful +drug." Take this here along with their likewise sayin as they thinks the +sale of liquors ought to be restricted by "wise legislation." Yah! +What's the legislation as them medical gentlemen would call wise? I +won't say, I should like to know, cos why I do know, and which therefore +please alow me for to state, for to put a inliten'd Brittish Public on +their gard agin a Doo. A liquor law for to shut up all the publichouses, +and confine the sale of liquors--Halcohol in wotsomedever form, mind +yer--to the 'pothecaries, chemists, and druggists, to be sold hunder +conditions, like assnic or strikenine, or only wen horder'd by a +fisitian's perscription. That's their objeck. That's wot they're arter. +Anybody may see with arf an i they're all leged together to get the ole +of the licker trade away from the legitimit Licens'd Wittlers into their +own ands. + +Now, Sir, just fancy under that sistim, if so be ever it passes, witch +Evin forbid, what a halteration we should see direckly in doctors' +shops. In coarse they'd ave to be a good deal inlarged to make room for +the Bar and Beer-engine. Then, my i, what a variety of rum labels there +would be on the big bottles, and the reseavers, and resevoys witch praps +would do dooty amongst the fizzic for caskes and barrels. A young doctor +chap, as uses my ouse, and promises to be a horniment to his perfession, +rote me down a few names of liquors; he says, in Doctors' lattin, along +with Pil: Colocynth Comp:, and Mist: Camph:, and sitch as we shall then +see--Cerevis: Fort: XXX Burton:; Barel: Perk: etSoc: Integr:; Aq: Vitae +Gallic:; Sp: Junip: Batavorum:; Vin: Rubr:; Vin Alb: Hispan:; Sp: +Sacchari Jamaicens: Opt:; Vetus Thomas:; Ros Montan:; &c.; all witch you +and your honour'd readers, bein scollards, will hunderstand. Yes; and +you'll have medickle men perscribin wine, beer, and sperrits in +quantities of Oj., and [ounce symbol]j. or [ounce symbol]ij., and +[dram symbol]ifs., and [minims symbol]iij.; and patients will be +payin extry fees to ave the same perscribed for 'em--dram drinkin in +drams order'd medisinally. + +Wich, afore that state of things is brought to pass, with defence not +defiance for our motter, wot I say is, let's nale our cullers to the +mast, No Surrender, and take to supplyin our customers with the werry +best rubub, senna, and prerogative drugs, and likewise pilicotia, bark, +prussic hacid and pizon of hevery description, as well as Halcohol in +watever form, wich they pertends is so pernishus. + +The Doctors' liquor shops, I dare say, will shut up on Sundays--but then +no doubt but wot a short Notis outside will hinform you that "Medicine +may be obtained by ringing the bell," the medsin including anything on +draught you may choose to name, not exceptin punch, which cures the +gout, the collect, and the tizzic--And it is allowed to be the werry +best of fizzic. So no more at present from your obegent umbel Servant, + + BUNG. + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: TOILETTE] + +(DARE WE SAY A LA BEEFEATER?) SUITABLE FOR LADIES OF ROBUST FIGURE. + + * * * * * + + MILITARY ECONOMY. + +HERE is a fine specimen of Army Reform. We cite it from that Military +authority, the _Civilian_:-- + + "The expense of providing and maintaining window blinds for + officers' quarters is not chargeable against the public. Blinds + now fixed, which have been supplied free of charge, may remain, + provided they be maintained at the occupants' expense. Any + occupant not wishing to retain the blinds at his own cost, will + make a notification to this effect to the Controller of the + district, in order that they may be removed and taken into + store." + +Officers' better halves are hardly likely to approve of this +retrenchment in officers' quarters. Faded furniture and carpets will +probably not find much favour in their eyes, nor will those eyes shine +any brighter for being dazzled, as they will be, when the sunbeams +stream in blindingly through the blindless windows. In rooms that face +due South, a parasol will be a useful adjunct to a breakfast table, and +we may even hear of officers with weak eyes being attacked by sharp +ophthalmia, and, all owing to their blindless quarters, becoming +helpless inmates of the Blind Asylum. + + * * * * * + + A Minor Cannon. + +THE new 35-ton gun, or 700-pounder, is called The Woolwich +Infant. Sweet Innocent! Let us hope that affairs may allow it +long to remain such. Is the Woolwich Infant supposed to be a boy +or a girl? If a boy, it must be admitted that there was never yet +before such a Son of a Gun. + + * * * * * + + EVENINGS FROM HOME. + + A NEW PLAN.--_To Everyone whom it may Concern._ + +[Illustration: York, you'r wanted! T]IS a gratification to _Mr. Punch_, +to be able to announce that he has entered into an arrangement with +descendants of the celebrated _Masters Sandford and Merton_, who, with +their admirable preceptor, the grandson of the illustrious _Mr. Barlow_, +will, during the present Christmas Holidays, visit most of the +Metropolitan amusements. + +One morning, as they were sitting, after breakfast, in their lodgings in +the Strand, TOMMY said to MR. BARLOW, "May I ask you a question, Sir?" + +MR. BARLOW considered for a few moments, and then granted the desired +permission. + +_Tommy._ What, Sir, is a Pantomime? + +_Mr. Barlow_ (_smiling_). Perhaps HARRY can tell you. + +_Harry._ Willingly, MASTER TOMMY. + +_Tommy._ I should like very much to hear. + +_Harry._ You must know, then, MASTER TOMMY, that in London there are a +great many buildings called Theatres, or The_ay_ters, to which some +people go, and, in cases where the free list is entirely suspended, and +the absurd system of orders is abolished, actually pay money in the +expectation of being amused by the performers. Indeed, at +Christmas-time, when nearly every sort of entertainment is open to the +public, it is a person's own fault if he is not constantly amused. + +_Tommy._ But pray, HARRY, have you no more particulars to tell me about +these Pantomimes? + +_Harry._ You can judge for yourself, MASTER TOMMY. + +TOMMY was so affected with this rebuke, that he only restrained his +tears by a strong physical exertion, which resulted in his giving HARRY +a kick on the shins underneath the table. For this, being a boy of +generous disposition, he had the good-breeding and courtesy to +apologise, in time to avert the severe damage which his head would have +received at the hands of his friend HARRY; and, in order to propitiate +the justly-aroused anger of MR. BARLOW, MASTER TOMMY offered to treat +HARRY SANDFORD and their worthy preceptor to the play that very night; a +proposal which, after some show of reluctance, both MR. BARLOW and HARRY +SANDFORD cordially accepted. + + * * * * * + +At DRURY LANE.--On their arrival in the lobby of the Dress Circle, a +kindly-spoken gentleman insisted upon relieving the party of their +coats, and gave them a programme of the performance, for which they +returned him their most sincere thanks; MR. BARLOW, moreover, promised +him a gratuity on his leaving the theatre. This promise was accompanied +by a significant look at HARRY, who fully appreciated his worthy +preceptor's conduct. As to TOMMY, he was too full of wonder and +admiration of all he saw to notice this transaction, and, indeed, the +questions which arose to his lips during the evening were so numerous, +that, with a discretion beyond his years, he determined to reserve them +for a future occasion. + +The Pantomime was _Tom Thumb_. + +_Harry._ The VOKES'S are very comical people with their legs. + +_Mr. Barlow._ Yes, truly; and, being so, it is a thousand pities any of +them should attempt to sing. Their dancing is highly amusing. + +TOMMY was here very much alarmed by the appearance of a Giant's head +over the castle wall. His fears were not allayed when the Giant ate _Tom +Thumb_, who, on his re-appearance from the Giant's mouth, was taken up +in the claws of a huge bird. This made TOMMY cry; and it was not until +MR. BARLOW had explained to him that the object of the Pantomime was to +make little boys and girls laugh, that he at all recovered his wonted +spirits. However, on seeing that HARRY was smiling, and that MR. BARLOW +was composing himself to sleep, he was reassured by their demeanour, and +became deeply interested in the stage representation. + +At the Scene of Dresden China Watteauesque figures, TOMMY'S delight +declared itself in loud applause. + +_Tommy._ Are _those_ the Clowns? I thought you said, Sir, that there was +only _one_ Clown! + +_Mr. Barlow._ To the eye of the rightly constituted mind there can be +but one Clown; and our mental vision is only disturbed and confused by +this multiplication of drolls. + +MR. BARLOW further explained that the Clown is human like ourselves; +whereat TOMMY expressed himself dissatisfied. + +_Mr. Barlow._ As the comic scenes appear to depress you, HARRY, and as +TOMMY is evidently becoming tired and cross withal, it were best to +leave. + +_Harry._ Indeed, Sir, this Pantomime reminds me of what you told me +about the shape of the earth. + +_Mr. Barlow._ I do not see, HARRY, how you connect the two subjects. +There is a vast difference between this planet and a Pantomime. + +_Harry._ Indeed, Sir, there is; for our planet is entirely round, and +this Pantomime is remarkably flat. + +_Mr. Barlow._ Beware of such wholesale condemnations, my dear HARRY; +this Pantomime has already given delight to some twenty thousand +persons, every one, it may be, as good as yourself. + +TOMMY was much pleased, however, at HARRY'S application of a scientific +fact, and expressed his determination of learning Astronomy at once, in +order that he might be as ready as HARRY on any suitable occasion. + +On quitting the theatre, MR. BARLOW promised the box-keeper a sixpence, +whereat the poor man could scarcely refrain from embracing his +benefactor. So they left. + + * * * * * + +NEXT NIGHT--COVENT GARDEN.--Here they saw the Pantomime of _Blue Beard_. +As each new Scene presented itself to their view, they were vehemently +enraptured, and thought that no expression of praise could suffice to +express their pleasure. + +_Mr. Barlow._ Certainly the scenery is very beautiful. + +_Harry._ The ladies are indeed lovely! + +_Mr. Barlow._ They are mortal. + +_Tommy._ O, here is _Blue Beard's_ procession! I know the story! And +here are the Camels, and--O!--a White Elephant! + +_Mr. Barlow._ The Camel, my dear TOMMY, is found chiefly in burning +climates. In his temper he is gentle and tractable, and his patience in +being---- + +_Audience._ Hush! Order! Turn him out! + +_Harry._ Indeed, Sir, they are alluding to you! Would it not be better +to remain silent, and watch a Scene which gives everyone so much +gratification? + +MR. BARLOW perceived the sense of this remark, and confined himself to +explaining to TOMMY, in an undertone, that MR. MACDERMOTT, who played +_Blue Beard_, had been, till lately, an actor at the Grecian Theatre, +where he was considered "funny;" but that here his humour seemed to be +limited to an imitation of one MR. CLARKE, an actor of burlesque parts +most favourably known to playgoers; and, indeed, the audience seemed to +be largely of MR. BARLOW'S mind, for it was not until _Mr. Blue Beard_ +danced, which he did cleverly, that they testified their approbation of +his drolleries. + +_Mr. Barlow._ This Scene of the Amazons' Encampment will attract the +whole town. It is indeed a magnificent spectacle. + +_Tommy._ There must be thousands on the stage! + +MR. BARLOW smiled at this, and was about to demonstrate, mathematically, +the improbability of more than three hundred of the _corps de ballet_ +being on the scene at once, when his attention was attracted to the +Grand Transformation Scene by vociferous applause, in which he was +conscientiously able to join. On their quitting the theatre, at eleven +o'clock, the boys were loud in their praises of what they had seen. + +_Harry._ How diverting were those French dancers! and the Shadows! + +_Tommy._ And the Clown with the two boys! and their fiddles and musical +bells! + +_Mr. Barlow._ You are right. With the comic scenes and the Clown came +the fun peculiar to this species of amusement, of which there was, amid +all the glitter and splendour, a lack. And perhaps this is as it should +be; for why term the Harlequinade "the Comic Scenes," unless they are so +by comparison with the previous portion of the Pantomime? + +_Harry._ Your observation, Sir, reminds me of the entertaining story of +_Sophronius_ and _Kydaspes_, which TOMMY has not yet heard. + +HARRY was about to commence the tale without further parley, when it was +discovered that TOMMY had slipped out of the room, and had, it was +supposed, retired to bed. MR. BARLOW therefore intimated that, as _he_ +had heard the story before, it would be better if they both followed +their young friend's example. + +HARRY submitted to this arrangement; and when the two boys were assured +that their worthy preceptor was asleep, they took his latchkey, and +sallied forth to enjoy themselves at EVANS'S supper-rooms. + + * * * * * + + A VIRTUOUS VESTRY. + +[Illustration: B]E it known that a sort of Fair or miscellaneous Market +is held in the New Cut (excuse mention of such a place) every Sunday +morning. There do people of the baser sort buy their Sunday dinners, and +other matters which they fancy they want. The Lambeth Vestry, justly +indignant at such goings on, appealed to COLONEL HENDERSON to put a stop +to them. That haughty and sarcastic official declared that he should do +nothing of the sort, unless the shopkeepers who keep their shops open on +Sundays were also obliged to respect the day of rest. We pity the +Colonel's want of logical power. What is there in common between a +respectable shopkeeper, who pays rates, and a low person who wheels a +barrow, or rents the flap over a cellarage? The Vestry scorned such +terms, and have been taking the names of the vendors at this fair, and +such addresses as the miserable creatures could give. Summonses have +been issued, but the matter stands over for a few weeks. + +At the end of that time, _Mr. Punch_ cordially trusts that the Lambeth +Vestry will sternly carry out their plan for promoting the +respectability of the New Cut, and if COLONEL HENDERSON again refuses to +help them, let appeal be made to MR. BRUCE. There is not the least +pretence for holding the Fair. Let the people in and about the New Cut +buy their fish, meat, and the rest of their luxuries on Saturday. What +is to prevent them from doing so. Wages are always paid at an early hour +on Saturday, and by four o'clock on that day the wife of an artisan has +always received from her husband the bulk of his earnings, less perhaps +by a trifle which she playfully returns to him, that he may have a pipe +and a pint before going to bed. He would be considered a bad fellow if +he did not give her the money, or if she had to coax it out of him late, +or to take it from his pocket when he had sunk into the gentle slumber +of intoxication. That he should surlily refuse it, and strike her, and +force her to wait until morning brought better temper, is too monstrous +an idea. "Our flesh and blood" never does this sort of thing. + +Let the Wife therefore make her purchases on Saturday. Let her take her +fish and meat home. We are perfectly aware that they are perishable +articles, but we suppose that they can be put into the pantry +down-stairs, or that, if domestics or cats are distrusted, the food can +be placed in the refrigerator. That article is cheap enough, anyhow, and +a very good one can be got for three or four guineas, and it is the +affectation of ignorance to say that ice is not at hand, for we know +that the Wenham Lake carts go round several times a week--this we state +from our own knowledge, and we hate sentimentality. By this means not +only will offence to the refined natures of the Lambeth Vestry be +avoided, but the vendors of the articles will be released from work, and +enabled to attend places of worship. To their own declaration that but +for Sunday trade they must go to the workhouse, we lend a deaf ear. +Morality cannot yield to Necessity. A prudent man will earn his income +in six days. If he cannot, we must echo the remark made by a +conscientious person at a meeting on the subject, and say, "Let him +starve." + +_Mr. Punch_ strongly upholds the Lambeth Vestry in this business, and +thinks their conduct quite worthy of the reputation they have so long +borne. He is much displeased with the Colonel of Police, and hopes never +to have to say, in MR. POPE'S words-- + + "Stern HENDERSON repented, + And gave them back the Fair." + +If Vestries will enforce Sabbatarianism, and if Alliances will totally +deprive the weaker classes of the Refreshments of which they mostly make +bad use, we shall raise the standard of national morals, and entirely +efface the discontent which some persons believe is felt with national +institutions. + + * * * * * + +SEASONABLE SENTIMENT.--May the Commission of Inquiry into the Megaera +business get to the bottom of it! + + * * * * * + + HOROSCOPE FOR 1872. + +WITH the aid of this ingenious little instrument, the horoscope, which +is simple in construction, easily cleaned, and to be had of all +respectable dealers throughout the kingdom in gold, silver, +mother-of-pearl, ormolu, aluminium, and other suitable materials, a +clear insight may be obtained, on a fine evening, into the more salient +events of the year one thousand eight hundred and seventy-two. + +The observations we have been enabled to make with one of these +instruments (fitted with the patent self-acting forecaster) are so +startling that, without loss of time, we hasten to lay them before the +world, for the guidance and direction of reigning Sovereigns, Cabinet +Ministers, School-Boards, Members of Parliament, Mayors, Magistrates, +Mothers of Marriageable Daughters, Managers of Theatres, Newspaper +Editors, Speculators, and others, who may be desirous to make their +arrangements at once for the ensuing twelve months. + +Parliament will meet early in February, a few days after it ceases to be +legal to slaughter pheasants. It will be prorogued early in August, +about the period when grouse-shooting becomes a lawful pastime. + +The HOME SECRETARY will withdraw several measures in the course of the +Session. + +The London School-Board, by the active interposition of its Beadles, +will clear the streets of from ten to twenty children. + +Australian meat will appear on the bill of fare at the Lord Mayor's +banquets. + +In the month of February a most serious astronomical occurrence will +take place, one which ought to make a great noise in the world, and is +likely to be attended with disastrous consequences to those who may be +unfortunate enough to be on the spot--_the full moon will fall_ on +Saturday, the 24th. + +There will be at least one new cookery-book published during the year. + +Good port wine will become scarcer and dearer than ever. + +The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER will, in his annual Budget, propose a +tax upon one or more of the following articles:--calling cards, dolls, +pins, perambulators, umbrellas, and wigs. + +The Mines Regulation Bill will be brought before Parliament; also the +COLLIER affair. + +There will be a show (the first) of guinea-pigs, white mice, parrots, +bullfinches, and squirrels at the Crystal Palace. The DUCHESS OF +LAUNCESTON, LADY IDA DOWN, and the Honourable MRS. ALFRED WARBLEMORE +will act as Judges. + +Several new animals will be added to the collection in the Zoological +Gardens. + +The jury in the Tichborne case will retire when the trial is concluded, +and, after deliberating for several days, will return into Court late at +night, and deliver their Verdict amidst breathless silence. The LORD +CHIEF BARON will have a sleeping apartment fitted up in the Westminster +Sessions House, that no time may be lost in calling him up to receive +the verdict. + +Several Colonial Bishops will return home. + +An eye should be kept on the Pope, the Orleans Princes, the Irish Roman +Catholic Bishops, the Publicans, the Republicans, the Spiritualists, the +Ritualists, SIR CHARLES DILKE, MR. WHALLEY, MR. BUTT, and MR. BROCK, the +pyrotechnist, as they may all be expected to do extraordinary things. + +An eminent Archdeacon of the Established Church, well known in the West +of England, will conduct the services at MR. SPURGEON'S Tabernacle, and +MR. SPURGEON will exchange pulpits with him. + +A new Opera will be brought out on the last night but two of the season. + +There will be some failures in the City, and constant stoppages in the +streets. + +The British Public will remit large sums of money for the relief of the +Chinese, and allow charitable institutions at home to languish for want +of funds. + +MR. JOHN BROWN, MR. THOMAS JONES, MR. WILLIAM ROBINSON, MR. JAMES +THOMPSON, MR. CHARLES JACKSON, and MR. HENRY SMITH will contract +matrimonial alliances after harvest. + +The Gulf Stream will be heard of again, probably for the last time, the +tendency of modern scientific investigation being to show up that +bugbear as a humbug. + +MR. DISRAELI will deliver an address _de omnibus rebus et quibusdam +aliis_, at Glasgow at Easter, and on Cottage Cookery at Hughenden in the +autumn. + +Letters will be addressed to MR. GLADSTONE demanding explanations from +him as to his religion, his relations, his favourite poet, and his +private account at his banker's. + +Oysters will be sixpence apiece. + +Spain will have one or two new Ministries. + +The estimates will include a vote for the purchase of robes and a wig +for the new SPEAKER. + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: A VOICE FROM THE SEA.] + + "O LET ME KISS HIM FOR HIS MOTHER!" + + * * * * * + + MARK LEMON. + +IT became our duty, some weeks ago, to invite the attention of our +readers to the fact that a Memorial Fund, in aid of the Widow and +unmarried Daughters of our late lamented friend, MARK LEMON, had been +opened. On a page at the end of our present issue will be found the list +of those who have subscribed to the Fund. Several donors have been +generous, many have been very liberal, and thanks are due to those who +have "done what they could." But the aggregate amount as yet obtained is +altogether inadequate to the purpose, that of making a permanent +provision for those so dear to one who never lost an opportunity of +doing a kindness. It is with reluctance that, after examining the list, +we admit to ourselves that very much is owed to private friendship, and +comparatively little to public recognition of the noble character and +the merits of MARK LEMON. Believing, as we sincerely believe, that we +may account for this by supposing that thousands are still unacquainted +with the fact that their aid is invited, we re-iterate our Appeal. We +venture also to ask our contemporaries, who have already so ably and +kindly promoted the object, again to perform that labour of love. We, +lastly, call attention to the notice at the foot of the list, stating +how subscriptions can be forwarded. Some misapprehension on this point +may have retarded the liberality which we refuse to believe will not be +shown to those who possess such inherited and such personal claim to the +kindly consideration of all. + + * * * * * + + Juvenile Gulosity. + +A SAGE said to a Schoolboy, home for the holidays, "A contented mind is +a continual feast." "Is it?" quoth young Hopeful, "I should rather say +that a continual feast was a contented mind." + + * * * * * + + THE RETICENCE OF THE PRESS. + +THE AMERICAN PRESS admires the reticence which the British Press has +practised during the seventy odd days occupied in hearing one side of a +cause which will be celebrated. The English Press also takes credit to +itself for that reticence. It is, doubtless, exemplary. By not +interfering with, we know how much it furthers, the administration of +Justice. A trial such as the great lawsuit now pending, or any other in +a British Court of Law, is determined, we all know, simply by the weight +of evidence, in relation to which the minds of the jury are mere scales. +The Counsel on either side respectively confine themselves to the +production of true evidence each on behalf of his client, and the +refutation of false evidence advanced for the opposite party. The Judge +is the only person in Court who expresses any opinion on the case which +could possibly influence the jury; his opinion being expressed under the +obligation of strict impartiality. No barrister, whether counsel for the +plaintiff or the defendant, ever attempts to bias their decision either +by sophistry or appeals to their passions and prejudices. It is +therefore highly necessary that the Press should abstain as strictly as +it does from any explanation or argument with reference to a pending +suit which, how sincerely soever meant to instruct, might possibly have +the effect of misleading the jury sitting thereon. + +If, indeed, Counsel were usually accustomed to employ the arts of +oratory, and the dodges of dialectics, in order to make the worst appear +the better cause in the eyes of twelve men more or less liable to be +deceived and deluded, then, indeed, the reticence of a respectable and +intelligent Press, in abstaining from any remarks capable of helping a +jury to deliver a righteous verdict, would not perhaps be quite so +purely advantageous as it is now. + + * * * * * + + Riddle for the Young Folks. + +WHY are the two letters at the tail the most sensible of all the +Alphabet?--Because they are the _Wise Head_. + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: THE BIG CRACKER.] + +MR. PUNCH. "PULL AWAY, MY DEAR! I'LL BET YOU A KISS IT CONTAINS +SOMETHING WE SHALL BOTH LIKE. PULL AWAY!" + + * * * * * + + MY HEALTH. + +[Illustration: T]ALK over all these arrangements at dinner. Then, as we +have, PENDELL tells me, to be up early for otter-hunting, we determine +upon going to bed early. + +_Process of Going to Bed Early._--MRS. PENDELL retires at nine, having +seen that "everything we want" is left out on the sideboard. PENDELL +observes that he shan't be half an hour at most before he's upstairs. I +yawn, to show how tired I am, and corroborate his statement as to the +time we intend to pass in front of the fire. + +MRS. PENDELL has retired. PENDELL wishes to know what I'll take. +Nothing, I thank him. PENDELL doesn't "think--um--that--he'll--um--take +anything," and stands before a row of bottles with the critical air of a +Commander-in-Chief reviewing the line. It almost looks as if he wanted a +bottle to step out of the rank and invite him to make up his mind at +once and take a drop of _him_. In order not to prevent him from enjoying +himself, I sacrifice myself, and say, "Well, I'll have just the smallest +glass of whiskey." PENDELL is of opinion that no one can do better than +whiskey, it being, he says, the most wholesome spirit. + +We whiskey. The quarter-past arrives. We take no notice of it, except +that PENDELL remarks that _that_ clock is about twelve minutes fast, in +which case, of course, we have nearly half an hour at our disposal. +Conversation commences. We somehow get upon Literature, especially upon +the subject of my _Analytical History of Motion_. PENDELL quotes a line +from somewhere. We can't think where it is to be found. + +This leads PENDELL to the book-shelves. While he is up, would he mind +just mixing me the least drop more whiskey--_and water_, plenty of +water. He does so, and continues his search for the book, ending by +bringing down the _Ingoldsby Legends_. "Do I remember this one?" he asks +me. No, I have forgotten it. He thinks the line he quoted is there. He +is, he says, going to give it at a Penny Reading, and has already done +so with great success. He reads a few lines. + +_Flash._--Ask him to read. Nothing so pleasant as the sound of some one +reading poetry when you're very tired, and are sitting before a good +fire. Light a pipe as an aid to listening comfortably. Better than going +to bed. Besides, if he reads, it's _his_ fault that we don't go to bed +early, as we told MRS. PENDELL we would. + +He reads aloud. I interrupt him occasionally (opening my eyes to do so), +just to show I am attending, and twice I dispute the propriety of his +emphasis; but I don't sustain my side of the argument, from a feeling +that to close my eyes and be droned to sleep, is preferable to straining +every nerve in order to talk and keep awake. + +_11 o'clock_, P.M.--PENDELL stops, and says, "Why, you're asleep!" I +reply that he is mistaken (having, in fact, just been awoke by feeling +as if a spring had given way at the nape of my neck), but I own, +candidly, to feeling a little tired. + +"Um!" says PENDELL, and puts his selection for a Penny Reading away. +Bed. + +_Morning._--Am aroused by PENDELL, who is always fresh. "Lovely +morning," he says, opening the curtains. [_Note._--When you're only one +quarter awake there's something peculiarly obtrusive in any remark about +the beauty of the day. To a person comfortably in bed and wishing to +remain there, the state of the weather is comparatively uninteresting, +unless it's dismally foggy or thoroughly rainy, when, in either case, +you can congratulate yourself upon your cleverness and forethought in +not having got up.] "Is it?" I ask. Through the window I see only mist +and drizzle. + +"Just the morning for otter-hunting!" exclaims PENDELL, +enthusiastically. Then, as he's leaving the room, he turns, and says, +"O, by the way, I've just remembered that Old RUDDOCK'S pretty sure to +be out with the hounds. He's great fun out hunting." + +This stirs me into something like exertion. Otters and RUDDOCK. RUDDOCK, +during a check, setting the field in a roar. + +_At Breakfast._--"Um," says PENDELL, thinking over something as he cuts +a ham, "we shan't want to take anything with us, because Old PENOLVER +gives us lunch. He's a picture of an Old English Squire is PENOLVER. +Quite a picture of a--um--yes----" here he apparently considers to +himself whether he has given a correct definition of PENOLVER or not. He +seems satisfied, and closes his account of him by repeating, +"Yes--um--yes--an Old English Squire, you know--quite a character in his +way," (I thought so,) "and you'll have pasties and cider." + +"Pasties!" I exclaim. The word recalls Bluff KING HAL'S time, the +jollifications--by my halidame!--gadso!--crushing a cup, and so forth. +Now I have the picture before me (in my mind's eye) of the Old English +Squire, attended by grooms bearing pasties and flagons, meeting the +Otter Hunters with spears and dogs. Good! Excellent! I feel that My +Health will be benefited by the air of the olden time. And perhaps by +the pasties. + +"Do any ladies come?" I ask. + +"Safe to," answers PENDELL, "last day of hunting--all the ladies +out--sort of show meet, and lounge." + +Pasties, flagons, dames, gallants with lutes, and pages with beakers of +wine. I am all anxiety to start. + +_The Drive._--Bleak, misty, sharp, dreary. I am in summer costume of +flannels, intended for running. Hope we _shall_ have some running, as at +present I'm blue with cold and shivering. + +_Six miles finished._--We get out at a tumble-down roadside inn. Three +boys, each one lankier and colder-looking than the other, are standing +together with their hands in their pockets, there being evidently among +them a dearth of gloves. A rough man in a velveteen coat and leggings +appears, carrying a sort of quarter-staff spiked. I connect him at once +with otters. PENDELL returns his salute. This is the Huntsman. The three +chilly boys are the Field. We are all shivering, and evidently only half +awake. Is this what PENDELL calls a "show meet, and a lounge?" + +_Flash._--To say brightly, "Well, it couldn't have been _colder_ for an +_otter_ hunt." The chilly boys hearing this, turn away, the man with the +spear takes it literally and is offended, "because," he says, "we might +ha' had a much worse day." PENDELL says to himself, thoughtfully. +"Um--_colder_--_otter_--ha! Yes, I see. I've made that myself lots of +times." I thought that down here, perhaps, it wouldn't have been known. +Never risk an old joke again. If I feel it's the only one I've got, +preface it by saying, "Of course you've heard what the Attorney-General +said the other day to (some one)?" and then, if on being told, they say, +"O! that's very old," why it's not your fault. + +A fly appears on the road with the Master. He welcomes PENDELL and +friend heartily and courteously. Is sorry that it's the last meet. +Thinks it's a bad day, and in the most genial manner possible damps all +my hopes of seeing an otter. "A few weeks ago," he says, "there were +plenty of otters." + +_Flash._--To find out if that spearing-picture is correct. Show myself +deeply interested in otters. + +The Master says that spearing is unsportsmanlike. Damper number two. No +spears. We walk on, and get a little warmer. + +More "Field" meets us: some mounted. + +_Note on Otter-Hunting._--Better than fox-hunting, because you trust to +_your own_ legs. You can't be thrown, you can't be kicked off, or reared +off; and, except you find yourself alone with the otter in a corner, +there's no danger. + +_Note Number Two. Additional._--Yes, there is one other danger. A great +one. + +Here it is:-- + +We have been walking miles along the banks of a stream, crossing +difficult stepping-stones, climbing over banks eight feet high [thank +goodness, impossible for horses], with drops on the other side, and +occasional jumpings down, which shake your teeth, but still you land on +_your own_ legs, and if you fall you haven't got a brute on the top of +you, or rolling over you, or kicking out your brains with his hind +hoofs. We number about sixty in the Field. The shaggy, rough hounds are +working up-stream, swimming and trotting, and stopping to examine the +surface of any boulder which strikes their noses as having been lately +the temporary resting-place of an otter. A few people on horseback are +proceeding, slowly in single file, along the bank. Difficult work for +them. Ladies, too, are on foot, and all going along as pleasantly as +possible. Suddenly a cry--a large dog is seen shaking its head wildly, +and rubbing his front paws over his ears--another dog is rolling on the +bank--another plunges into the river furiously, also shaking his head as +if he was objecting to everything generally, and would rather drown than +change his opinions. + +Another cry. + +Horses plunging--one almost into the river--shrieks of +ladies--exclamations from pedestrians--the field is scattered--some +attempt to ford the river--some jump right in--some on horseback cross +it shouting--some plunge into the plantation on the left--some are +running back upon us! A panic. + +Mad bull, perhaps--if so--with admirable presence of mind I jump into +the water up to my waist, and am making for the opposite side, when a +man, running and smoking a short pipe, answers my question as to the +bull with-- + +"No! Wasps! Wasps' nest!!" In a second I see them. _At_ me. Pursuing me. +I dive my head under water. Wet through! Scramble up bank. One wasp is +after me. One pertinaciously. My foot catches in a root, I am down. Wasp +down too, close at my ear. A minute more I am up. Wasp up too, by my +right ear. + +_An Inspiration._--It flashes across me that wasps hate mud. Don't know +where I heard it. Think it was in some child's educational book. No time +for thinking. Jump--squish--into the mud! Over my knees--boots nearly +off. The last thing I see of PENDELL is holding on his spectacles with +his left hand, and fighting a wasp with his stick in his right. +Squish--flop--flosh!... Up against a stump--down in a morass. Wasp at +me. Close to my ear as if he wanted to tell me a secret. I won't hear +it! Now I understand why the dog shook his head. Through a bramble bush +(like the Man in the Nursery Rhyme, who scratched both his eyes out and +in again by a similar operation), and come out torn and scratched, but +dry as a pen after being dragged through a patent wiper of erect +bristles. No wasp. Gone. I am free. But still I keep on. + +That's the only great danger in Otter-Hunting. At least, that I know of +at present. + +I pick up the man with pipe. Kindest creature in the world. He has two +pipes, and he fills and gives me one. He says, "Wasps won't attack a +smoker." + +_Flash._--Smoke. + +PENDELL comes up. "Um!--aha!" he says; "narrow escape!" He has _not_ +been stung. + +The Field is pulling itself together again. PENDELL chuckles. "Did you +see Old RUDDOCK?" he asks. "There were two wasps at him." + +No! It appears that Old RUDDOCK has been quite close to me throughout +the day. Yet there was no laughing crowd, and I haven't heard one of +RUDDOCK'S jokes bruited about. Odd. Wonder how the wasps liked RUDDOCK. + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON.] + +_Squire_ (_who interests himself with the Moral and Material Condition +of his Peasantry_). "HULLO, WOODRUFF! WHAT AN EYE YOU'VE GOT! HOW DID +YOU GET THAT?!" + +_Labourer._ "O, IT'S NAWTHIN' PARTIC'LAR, SIR. LAST NIGHT--AT THE WHITE +'ART, SIR. BUT--(_in extenuation_)--CHRISHMASH TIME, SIR--ON'Y ONCE A +YEAR!" + + * * * * * + + MONODY ON M'GRATH. + +MASTER M'GRATH has passed away; +He breathed his last on Christmas Day. +He quitted this terrestrial sphere, +In doghood's prime--his twice-third year. + +He was a dog of high repute. +But now he'll be for ever mute. +--Though living he gave little tongue-- +Ah, well! the dogs we love die young. + +MASTER M'GRATH, old Ireland's pride, +The fleetest Saxon dogs defied, +Alike to run with him or kill: +His legs, once limber, now are still. + +This peerless paragon of hounds, +Did win his good lord--LURGAN--pounds +By thousands; dog as good as horse-- +The canine Courser is a corpse. + +He was presented to the QUEEN, +As many a puppy may have been, +Who yet that honour lives to boast-- +But is not worth the dog that's lost. + +M'GRATH returns to his Dam Earth. +The papers mostly to his worth +Publish a tribute, not too long, +A paragraph--and here's a song. + +They won't continue, for a week, +Each day about M'GRATH to speak +In memoirs, and in leading columns, +To preach of prosy sermons volumes. + +Upon the Dog defunct that lies +Briefest is best to moralise, +As every dog, then, let us say, +Must have, M'GRATH has had his day. + + * * * * * + + Happy Dispatch. + +WE have just read in a delightful book that "Japanese verse is for the +most part lyric or descriptive." It is of two kinds, "Uta," of purely +native growth, and "Shi," of Chinese origin and structure. The +difference between the Japanese and the English is that nearly all the +modern poetry of the latter is Shi. + + * * * * * + + RAILWAY REFORM. + +AT a meeting of Railway Directors, which will probably be held in the +middle of next week, it will be resolved, in order to increase the +safety of the public, that no pointsman, guard, or engine-driver, shall +ever be on duty much more than six-and-forty hours at a stretch; and +that every such servant shall always, when on duty, be allowed at least +four minutes, no less than three times daily, for enjoyment of his +meals. With the like view of security, it will also be resolved that +porters shall on branch lines be required to act as pointsmen, +signalmen, and ticket-clerks, and that due and timely notice of the +changes in the time-bills shall on no account be furnished to the +drivers of goods trains. + + * * * * * + + To the Afflicted. + +A WORD of comforting advice to all those--and they are many--both men +and women, who are nursing a secret sorrow, grieving that they are +short, small of stature, below the average size. Let them think of those +more than consolatory words, in that famous passage in _Henry the +Eighth_, where SHAKSPEARE speaks of--"the blessedness of being little." + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: EASILY SOLD.] + +SCENE--_Railway Station in a Town where Highland Regiment is quartered. +Foxhunters taking Train for the Meet._ + +_Little London Gent._ "HE AIN'T GOING OUT HUNTING, TOO, IS HE?" + +_Funny Friend._ "OF COURSE HE IS." + +_Little London Gent._ "WELL, BUT--WON'T IT BE RATHER RISKY RIDING IN +THOSE----TOGS?" + + * * * * * + + HINTS ON CHRISTMAS SHOPPING. + + (_By a good Old-fashioned Clown._) + +KNOCK at a shop-door, and then lie down flat in front of it, so that the +shopman, coming out, may tumble headlong over you. Then bolt into the +shop, and cram into your pockets all the big things you can find, so +that in trying to get out, you cannot squeeze them through the doorway. +For instance, if it be a watchmaker's, clap an eight-day kitchen clock +and a barometer or two, let us say, in your right pocket, and a brass +warming-pan, or some such little article of jewellery (as you will take +care to call it) in your left one; taking pains, of course, to let the +handle stick well out of it. If it be a butcher's, pouch a leg of beef +and half a sheep or so, and be sure not to forget to bring a yard or two +of sausages trailing on the ground behind you. Then, if you can't +squeeze through the doorway, the simplest plan will be to jump clean +through the shop-front, and in doing this take care to smash as many +panes of glass as you are able, crying out, of course, that you took +"great pains" to do so. _En passant_, you will kick into the street +whatever goods are in the window, and then run off as quickly as your +heels can carry you. + +If the shopman should pursue you, as most probably he will, make him a +low bow, and say that it was really quite an accident, and that of +course you mean to pay him--indeed, yes, "on your _honour_!" If he won't +believe you, punch him in the waistcoat, and batter him about with his +barometer and warming-pan, or sausages and mutton. + +Should a policeman interfere, and want to know what you are up to, catch +up your red-hot poker (which you will always have about you), and hold +it hidden behind your back, while you beg him to shake hands with you, +because you mean to "square the job" with him. Then, when he puts his +hand out, slap the poker into it, and run away as fast as your stolen +goods will let you. + +But after a few steps, of course you must take care to let the handle of +your warming-pan get stuck between your legs, and trip you up +occasionally; and you will manage that your sausages become entangled so +about you that, at every second step, you are obliged to tumble down and +roll along the ground, and double up into a heap, till the policeman, +who keeps up the chace, comes close enough to catch you. Then you will +spring up again, and, jumping on his back, you will be carried off to +Bow Street, with the small boys shouting after you; or, else, if you +prefer it, you may "bonnet" the policeman, and run away and hide +yourself ere he can lift his hat up, to see where you are gone to. + + * * * * * + + SCIENCE FOR THE SEASON. + +SIR CHARLES LYELL, according to a correspondent of the _Daily +Telegraph_, is credited with the saying that there are three things +necessary for a geologist: the first is to travel; the second is to +travel; and the third, also, is to travel. This seems to mean that your +geologist must travel, travel, travel over the face of the earth in +order to be enabled to explore its interior. The earth is round; so is +your plum-pudding: the earth has a crust; so has your mince-pie. +Happily, conditions like those needful for the exploration of the earth +do not delay analogous researches. + + * * * * * + + Problem for the Poet Laureate. + +THE Knights of KING ARTHUR'S Round Table of course formed a Circle when +they sat round it. Tournaments in general used to come off in lists; but +can the Author of _The Last Tournament_ inform a Spiritualist whether, +in a _seance_ of ARTHUR'S Knights at Table, there was ever any +table-tilting? + + * * * * * + + MRS. WASHTUB ON TELEGRAMS. + +Ah, drat them nasty telegrams that keeps folks all in sitch a flurry, +Whenever there's the least to-do, with constant worry, worry, worry! +I recollect in my young days when there was no sitch expectation, +And news to travel took its time, suspense was bore with resignation. + +What was to be, we used to say, would be, and couldn't be prewented, +Which 'twas consolin' for to think, and made one happy and contented. +What would be we should live to see, if we lived long enough, 'twas + certain, +And p'raps it might a mercy be the future was behind the curtain. + +Misfortunes came, as come they must, in this here wale of trile and + sorrow. +But then, if bad news come to-day, no news was like to come to-morrow. +No news was good news people said, and hoped meanwhile they might be + better, +Leastways until the next day's post brought 'em a paper or a letter. + +'Tis true, relief as soon may come, sometimes, by artificial + light'nin'. +When days and weeks of dark and storm you've undergone afore the + bright'nin': +All's well as ends well, thanks be praised, the croakers found + theirselves mistaken-- +But by them plaguy telegrams how my poor old narves have bin shaken! + + * * * * * + + CHRISTMAS PRESENT FOR THE CLAIMANT.--_Coleridge's Works._ + + * * * * * + + TWELFTH NIGHT + +THE closing night of the Christmas season is observed by every nation in +Europe, except Switzerland, in which country the Republican form of +government introduced by W. TELL (the first President), prevents the +recognition of Kings and Queens. + +Throughout England, particularly in those rural districts where the +study of physics is yet in its infancy, great importance is attached to +the weather on Twelfth Day. The occurrence of rain, or wind, or sleet, +or snow, or hail, or the appearance of the Aurora Borealis over the +roofs of the Bank of England is considered a most favourable augury, and +in some counties determines the day on which the sowing of the Spring +wheat commences. But the slightest indication of the Zodiacal light is +dreaded as a sure forerunner of the turnip-fly, and the connection of a +parhelion with protracted drought is established by a long series of +observations, reaching as far back as the Reformation. + +Most lawyers are of opinion that under the provisions of an old Act of +Parliament, still unrepealed, it is illegal to solicit a Christmas box +after twelve o'clock on the 6th of January. + +If Twelfth Night falls on a Sunday, the harvest will be late; if on a +Monday, the back door should be carefully looked to on the long +evenings; if on a Tuesday, pilchards will be caught in enormous +quantities; if on a Wednesday, the silkworms will suffer; if on a +Thursday, there will be no skating on the Serpentine during the rest of +the year; if on a Friday, the apple crop will be a failure; and if on a +Saturday (as this year), you should on no account have your hair cut by +a red-haired man who squints and has relations in the colonies. The +sceptic and the latitudinarian may smile superciliously at these +predictions, but they have been verified by inquiries conducted at +centres as wide apart as Bury St. Edmunds, Rotherham, Dawlish, +Rickmansworth, Kirkcudbright, and Cape Clear. + + * * * * * + +CHRISTMAS PRESENT FOR SIR CHARLES DILKE.--Packet of Court Plaster and +some Household Bread. + + * * * * * + + NEW YEAR'S "_NOTE_" TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +MR. PUNCH, in spite of his emphatic and repeated Notices and +Explanations, being still copiously afflicted with Communications from +Persons whom he has not invited to take the liberty of addressing him, +issues the following =Note=, and advises such persons to study it +closely. + +He calls them "Correspondents," but does so only for convenience. A +Correspondent means a person who not only writes, but to whom the +recipient of the letter also writes. Ninety-nine out of a hundred of +those who address _Mr. Punch_ are, and will be, unanswered, except by +this Note. + +Let all understand that he is answerable for the real or supposed value +of No literary or artistic matter which may be sent him, unasked. This +is law. Let all understand that at the earliest possible moment after +his discovery that such matter is useless to him, it is Destroyed. This +is fact. + +Notice also that stamped and directed envelopes, for the return of such +matters, will not operate to the fracture of his rule. + +After this notice, "Correspondents" will have no one but themselves to +thank for the Snub _Mr. Punch's_ silence implies. + +But is he unwise enough to believe that the plague of foolish +Correspondence will thus be stayed? Verily, no. + +He expects to continue to receive-- + + 1. Jests that have appeared in his own pages, but which are + warranted to have been invented, or heard, "the other day." + + 2. The jest of the day, one that has been heard a million times. + + 3. Profane, and even lower jests, sent by creatures who pretend + to be readers of _Punch_. + + 4. Idiotic jests, usually laid upon the shoulders of "my little + boy," or "my youngest girl." _Punch_ would pity the children of + such parents, but that he generally disbelieves in the existence + of the innocents. + + 5. Sketches, to be used in his next without fail, or, if + rejected, to be instantly returned. These burn well, and he + prefers those on cardboard, as they crackle prettily. + + 6. Things, literary or artistic, that have been "dashed off." + The mere word "dash" is the cue for instant fire. + + 7. Compositions, poor in themselves, whose insertion is prayed + because the authors are poor also. Is _Mr. Punch_ to perform his + charities at the expense of society? + + 8. Aged jokes, possibly recently heard for the first time by the + Stupid Sender, but more probably copied from print. + + 9. Post-Cards, or communications with the Halfpenny Stamp. These + are all selected by his Deputy-Assistant-Under-Secretary, and + destroyed unread. + + 10. Absolute Stupidities. + +Let them come. And when a Sender getteth no answer, let him take counsel +with himself, and consider to which of the above Ten Categories his work +belongs. One will certainly fit it. To this Table _Mr. Punch_ will make +reference when he may please to do so. Let intending Contributors learn +it by heart. + +Now, laying down the Chopper of LYCURGUS, and putting on the Smile of +PLATO, _Mr. Punch_, raising the festal goblet, wisheth to all his +faithful and true Disciples, those whose handwritings ever give him joy +and gladness,-- + + [Illustration: A HAPPY NEW YEAR!] + +TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES + +Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_. + +Passages in bold were indicated by =equal signs=. + +Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS. + +Centered illustration markers were centered either in the column or in +the page, while non-centered illustrations were not so centered. + +Some Illustrations were graphic capital letters. In those illustrations, +the capital letter was included within the illustration tag, e.g. +[Illustration: B]. + +At the top of page 2, there was an illustration (Utile Cum Dulce), a poem +(Old Ghosts and New), and a short clip (Memorandum for Lords of the +Manor). They have all been moved to after the poem (The Nation's +New-Year's Day) that continued from page 1. + +On page 3, the symbols for "ounce", "dram", and "minims" have been +replaced with [ounce symbol], [dram symbol], and [minims symbol]. + +At the top of page 10, there was an illustration (Compliments of the +Season), a poem (Monody on McGrath), and a short clip (Happy Dispatch). +They have all been moved to after the article (My Health) that continued +from page 9. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +62, January 6, 1872, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, LONDON CHARIVARI, JAN 6, 1872 *** + +***** This file should be named 37779.txt or 37779.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/7/7/7/37779/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Ernest Schaal, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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