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diff --git a/38672.txt b/38672.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a300910 --- /dev/null +++ b/38672.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1555 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 105, +September 30th 1893, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 105, September 30th 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: January 25, 2012 [EBook #38672] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + * * * * * + +Punch, or the London Charivari + +Volume 105, September 30th 1893 + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + * * * * * + + + + +[Illustration: BETWEEN FRIENDS. + +_Mr. Spooner, Q.C. (a Neophyte)._ "THIS IS MY BALL, I THINK?" + +_Colonel Bunting (an Adept)._ "BY JOVE, THAT'S A JOLLY GOOD 'LIE'!" + +_Mr. Spooner._ "REALLY, BUNTING, WE'RE VERY OLD FRIENDS, OF COURSE. +BUT I DO THINK YOU MIGHT FIND A PLEASANTER WAY OF POINTING OUT A +PERFECTLY UNINTENTIONAL MISTAKE!"] + + * * * * * + +"DUE SOUTH!" + +Concerning the houses on the East Cliff of "P'm'th" I cannot speak +from residential experience. They appear to me to have been built with +a view to using P'm'th as a winter resort only, and are consequently +protected from the four winds of Heaven by fairly-grown firs, whose +appearance is very suggestive of Christmas festivities on a gigantic +scale, when they might be decorated with coloured lamps, flags, toys, +and bonbons, all of which could be raffled for by the children at home +for the holidays. Here in a still more sheltered spot, and standing, +as the auctioneers and estate agents say, "in its own park-like +grounds," of at least three acres and a half (more or less), is the +Hot-and-Cold-Bath Hotel, which from its having entertained several +crowned and half-crowned heads has fairly earned the right to the +style and title "Royal" as a distinguishing prefix. + +The interior of this excellent hostelrie is, as far as my experience +goes, absolutely unique. It is crammed full of works of art of all +sorts, sizes, and varieties, so that the stranger within the hotel +gates may spend a happy day should it rain, as it sometimes does even +at P'm'th, in walking through the galleries, into the various rooms +(by permission of the occupiers), and if there be no catalogue (I do +not remember to have seen one), then he might do worse than make the +acquaintance of the amiable Bric-a-bracketing and Peculiarly Polite +Proprietor, Mr. WYTE WESCOTES, who, if the occasion be opportune, will +with pleasure become his _cicerone_, and show him all the treasures +of this unique establishment. Or he may entrust himself to the +other _genius loci_ of the place, represented by the acting manager +rejoicing in a foreign name not to be mastered all at once by the +sharpest British ear. To my mind, full of many early theatrical +reminiscences, it is immediately associated with the name of a Chinese +Princess in an ancient extravaganza entitled _The Willow-Pattern +Plate_, where Her Royal Highness is thus mentioned in the prologue:-- + + "And this is the room of his daughter KOONG-SEE, + Who's shut up, as she's found in the first scene to be, + Whence she looks on the gardens and looks on the trees, + That wibbledy wobbledy go in the breeze, + Whose verdure and shade such a paradise made + Of the house of the Mandarin HEE-SING." + +All which description can be adapted to present circumstances, and be +applied to the interior and exterior of the Royal Hot-and-Cold-Bath +Hotel, Pinemouth, where the fare is excellent, and the price moderate; +and, if there are, here and there, in the three hundred and sixty-five +days some bad ones, what of that? Is there any establishment, however +perfect, which, open all the year round, is not open to cavil and also +to improvement? + +_Trip to Lulworth Cove._--By new L. and S. W. line. This line, like +the stitch in time, saves nine, or it saves at least seven miles +formerly traversed in prehistoric times of quite six months ago. We +are _en route_ for Lulworth. Soothing name Lulworth! Drowsy murmur of +a Sleepy-Hollow sort drones about the name of Lulworth. + +Delightful drive of five or six miles from station to Lulworth Cove. +Expect of course to be received by "The Cove" himself in person. As +the road thither is occasionally steep, stout persons are requested to +get out and walk up the hills, which they do with as good a grace as +is possible under the circumstances on a broiling September mid-day. + +In our shandradan there is a modern version of Miss BIFFIN, who can't +possibly walk, but not for the physical reasons which prevented the +above-mentioned "abbreviated form" from pedestrianising; and there +is also with us the usual genial, stout, elderly dissembler, who, +affecting to be troubled with a touch of highly respectable gout, +feigns the deepest regret at being unable to descend from the car and +join the pedestrians in their delightful toil up the hard and stony +hill. At the summit we are refreshed by a gentle breeze, and between +the heights, about three miles distant, obtaining a view of the deep +blue sea, we feel invigorated. + +"_Thalatta! Thalatta!_" exclaims a youth of our party, who is home +for the holidays. No one understands him except the stout man with the +gout, who smiles approvingly, and asks the lad some recondite question +concerning XENOPHON and the Anabasis, whereat the schoolboy shakes +his head, and murmurs something about "not having got quite so far as +that." No schoolboy home for the holidays ever has got as far as the +question you put to him. All our schoolboy knows has been exhausted in +that one quotation, and perhaps the stout gentleman with the touch of +gout is not sorry that the boy's knowledge of Greek is limited. It +is a venturesome thing for a man over fifty, who has not "kept up his +classics," to tackle a boy fresh from school. + +We lose sight of the sea, and descend into the little sleepy fishing +village of Lulworth. An out-of-the-way place, with an excellent inn +(the name of which escapes my memory, but it is the only inn near the +bay), where there is good accommodation for man and beast. Here the +lobsters belong to precisely the same family as do those caught at +Swanage, and no higher praise can be bestowed on any lobsters, those +of Cromer, in Norfolk, included, than this. "Show me your lobster, +and I'll show you the man to eat it!" This is my sentiment down +South-West, or due North. The stout and gouty hero, who might have +failed to tackle the boy "fresh from school," now shows himself an +adept at tackling a lobster fresh from the sea. But more about Lunch, +Lobsters, and the Legend of Durdle Door "in our next." + + * * * * * + +GOOD NEWS FOR FIZZIONOMISTS.--To quote _The Merchant of Venice_, "_The +World_ says, and I say so too," (_i.e._ _The World_ of last week,) +that "the quality of the Champagne (the writer is speaking of Moet and +Chandon and Pommery and Greno) will be good." The crop is to be "six +times that of last year." Excellent--if only it be six times superior! +And oh! if it would only be just one-third less in price!! As the poet +(which word rhymes with "Moet") of the Champagne country sings,-- + + "To keep a _mens sana in corpore sano_, + Give me in plenty my Pommery Greno." + +But, at all events, so far as they are professionally judging from the +face of the country about Epernay and Rheims, the Fizzionomists are +more than likely to be right. _Ainsi soit-il._ + + * * * * * + +"DOLLARS AND SENSE."--According to all accounts, Mr. DALY has shown +his "sense" in reviving this piece (for a short run), so we hope he'll +pull in "the dollars." + + * * * * * + +MRS. R. WANTS TO KNOW.--"Who was the celebrated Scotchman," she asks, +"who took 'the Cameroons' to East Africa?" + + * * * * * + +SIR AQUARIUS TO THE RESCUE! + +_Or, The Valiant Knight of the Watering Pot, and the Laidly Dragon of +London._ + +[Illustration] + + ["The Report of the Royal Commission appointed for the purpose + of ascertaining whether the sources available within the + watersheds of the Thames and Lea are adequate in quantity and + quality for the water supply of the metropolis, has been laid + upon the table of the House of Commons.... The Commissioners + are convinced that much filth of various kinds is discharged + unnecessarily and illegally into the rivers.... They insist + upon the necessity for frequent inspection by an authority + appointed for the purpose.... The treatment of the water + after abstraction from the river is a subject to which the + Commissioners have devoted a good deal of attention ... they + suggest that regulations should be drawn up after competent + inquiry, and strictly enforced, the enforcement being + entrusted to a Public Water Examiner, who should have the + legal right of entry to all the waterworks."--_The Times._] + +AIR--"_The Dragon of Wantley._" + + Old stories tell how Hercules + A dragon slew at Lerna, + With seven heads and fourteen eyes, + To see and well discern-a. + But our Laidly worm, who can wriggle and squirm, + Our health long time hath _un_done; + And it's oh! for a knight, or some man of might, + To demolish the Dragon of London! + + This dragon hath two horrid heads, + For forage and for foison; + The one's all jaw, and devouring maw, + Whilst the other breathes forth poison. + Monopolist Greed is the one, indeed, + Whilst the other means Pollution; + And a hide of iron doth environ + Each scaly convolution. + + You've heard, of course, of the Trojan horse; + Well, this Dragon is thrice as big, Sir! + With the mouth of a hog, or a Pollywog, + Or Egyptian Porcupig, Sir! + Like the Snapping Turtle he'll hustle and hurtle, + And gulp like the Gobbling Grampus; + And smite and shock, like the Jabberwock, + Or the Chawsome Catta-Wampus! + + On the river's banks he plays his pranks, + An Amphibious Amphisbaena; + By the Thames and the Lea his coils you'll see, + A-stretch--like a concertina. + For the Thames to him, from brim to brim, + Is a sort of a private Pactolus, + In whose sands of gold this Dragon bold + Can roll and wallow--_solus!_ + + With one head he grabs L. S. D. + (Like a Nibelungen Treasure), + With t'other, whose breath means disease and death, + He befouls it beyond measure. + And those two heads o'er the watersheds + Of the Thames and Lea do hover, + Till a noxious brewage of slime and sewage + Is the draught of the water-lover. + + Where's the "More of More Hall with nothing at all," + To bring swift retribution, + And put the gag on this two-headed Dragon + Of Greed and of Pollution? + Hurroo! Hooray! Some have had their say + (And their counsels have been various). + But there looms in sight a "peerless knight," + Which his name is "Sir AQUARIUS." + + This Public Water Examiner, + "With legal right of entry," + Should right the wrong of this Dragon strong, + And o'er river-rights stand sentry. + More of More Hall was nothing at all + For a balladist to brag on, + Compared with our Knight of the Watering Pot-- + _If he'll slay our River Dragon!_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "QUITE AT HOME." + +_Podgers (who is somehow managing to spend his holiday at a Country +House for the shooting)._ "WELL, SPEAKING OF BOOTS, SIR JOHN, YOU SEE +THESE SHOES I HAVE ON. THEY COST ME EXACTLY FOUR-AND-SIXPENCE. _NOW I +DARE SAY YOU GAVE TWICE AS MUCH FOR YOURS?_"] + + * * * * * + +STRICTLY ENTRE NOUS (_communicated by Sir Ben Trovato_).--Quite +recently Mr. CONDIE STEPHEN had the honour of dining with Her Majesty +at Balmoral. He expressed himself highly pleased with a certain port +wine at dessert. Sir ALGERNON "of that ilk" suggested that a bin of +it should be put by in the Royal cellars, to be kept specially for Mr. +STEPHEN'S visits, and labelled "_Condie's Fluid_." + + * * * * * + +TURPIN AND TRAINS. + +Railway travelling in Chicago must be pleasant. "The express train to +New York," says Dalziel's Express in the _Times_ of the 13th, "on +the Lake Shore Railway was stopped by robbers about 140 miles east of +Chicago." Twenty robbers, masked, did the business, killing the engine +driver, and blowing open the express compartment of the car with +dynamite! When travelling by steam was introduced we congratulated +ourselves on our roads being freed from DICK TURPIN, PAUL CLIFFORD, +and Co.; and with steamers, Atlantic liners, and so forth, it was +presumed that the last had been heard of PAUL JONES and the Red Rover. +But can this immunity be any longer guaranteed? May we not in due +course expect to hear of "A P. and O. steamer robbed on the High Seas +by a Pirate Craft," or "The Bath Express stopped soon after leaving +Swindon by PAUL CLIFFORD, jun., and his gang of desperadoes"? + + * * * * * + +SOMETHING LIKE A CENTENARIAN.--The _Daily Chronicle_ gives a most +useful summary of notable events for every day in the week. Here is +one to be quoted as ever memorable, which appeared on Wednesday, Sept. +20:-- + + "Battle of Newbury. Lord Falkland killed, 1643. Bishop John + Gauden died, 1662. Battle of Valmy, 1792. _Sir Edward James + Reed, K.C.B., born, 1630!!_ Battle of the Alma, 1854." + +We congratulate Sir EDWARD on having attained his +Two-hundred-and-sixty-third birthday!! The oldest inhabitant isn't in +it with him. + + * * * * * + +UNDER THE ROSE. + +(_A Story in Scenes._) + +SCENE V.--_A General Waiting-room at Clapham Junction._ CURPHEW _is +leaning against the mantelpiece_. Mr. TOOVEY _is seated on one of the +horsehair chairs against the wall_. + +_Mr. Toovey (to himself)._ I do wish he'd sit down, and not look at me +in that austere way! (_Aloud._) Won't you take a chair? It would be so +much more comfortable. + + [_He shifts his seat uneasily._ + +_Curphew (stiffly)._ Thanks, Mr. TOOVEY, but I'd rather stand--for so +short a time. (_A pause._) Well, Sir, you have something to say to me, +I believe? + +_Mr. Toov. (to himself)._ Oh dear, I'm almost sorry now I--he won't +make sufficient allowances for me. (_Aloud, after another pause._) The +fact is, Mr. CURPHEW, I--I've just made a--a very painful discovery, +which--is there any water in that decanter? because I--I feel a little +thirsty. + + [CURPHEW _pours him out a glass of water, which he sips_. + +_Curph._ Come, Sir, we needn't beat about the bush. I think I +can spare you the preliminaries. I suppose you've heard about the +Eldorado? + +_Mr. Toov. (to himself)._ He knows already! These journalists find out +everything. (_Aloud._) I--I have indeed, but I assure you that, up to +the very moment my nephew informed me, I had no more suspicion---- + +_Curph._ You naturally consider that I ought to have told you at once, +but the fact is, I--well, I had some reason to doubt whether Mrs. +TOOVEY---- + +_Mr. Toov._ Oh, you were quite right, it would never have done--never +have done. I haven't breathed a word to Mrs. TOOVEY myself as yet. +I was afraid I might be obliged to this morning. She discovered that +dreadful Eldorado programme in one of my pockets, and was curious, +very naturally curious, as to why I had kept it, but I passed it +off--I managed to pass it off. I--I thought it better, at all events, +till--till I had talked it over with you. + +_Curph. (to himself, relieved)._ He takes it wonderfully well. I +shouldn't be surprised if I could talk him over. (_Aloud._) Oh, +decidedly, Sir. And may I ask you what your own views are? + +_Mr. Toov._ I--I don't know what to think. For a man in my position +to have even the remotest connection with--with a London music-hall! +Wouldn't it be considered scandalous, or at least indecorous, if it +were to leak out now? Shouldn't I be regarded as--as inconsistent, for +example? + +_Curph._ Oh, no one could reproach _you_, at all events, Sir! + +_Mr. Toov. (to himself)._ And I thought he was going to be so hard +on me! (_Aloud._) I am glad you take that view of it--yes, I can't be +held responsible for what I did in absolute ignorance; but, now that I +_do_ know, I can't go on, can I?--after a lifetime spent in condemning +such entertainments! + +_Curph._ But are you quite sure, Sir, that your condemnation was based +on any real foundation; mayn't you have been too ready to think the +worst? Have you ever troubled yourself to inquire into the way they +were conducted? + +_Mr. Toov. (to himself, in astonishment)._ Why, he's actually making +excuses for them! (_Aloud._) I have always been given to understand +that they were most improper places, Sir; that was sufficient for +me--quite sufficient! + +_Curph._ I daresay I have no right to speak; but you may not be aware +that all music-halls are now subject to the strictest supervision. And +a body like the London County Council is not likely to sanction any +impropriety in the entertainments. + +_Mr. Toov. (to himself)._ If I could only persuade myself that I might +keep the shares with a good conscience! To give up three hundred +and fifty a year, without necessity! I wonder what he would say. +(_Aloud._) True, that didn't occur to me before; and the London County +Council, they wouldn't encourage anything really----If I could only +be sure--and I'm open to conviction--I hope I'm always open to +conviction. + +[Illustration: "I drop into a music-hall?"] + +_Curph. (to himself)._ He's coming round; he's not such a pig-headed +old Pharisee as I thought. (_Aloud._) I am sure you are. You are not +the man to condemn any form of amusement, however harmless, merely +because you find no attraction in it yourself. + +_Mr. Toov._ No, no. And I see the force of what you say; and if I +could only once satisfy myself that the entertainment was really +harmless---- + +_Curph. (to himself)._ He couldn't very well object to _my_ part +of it--it's an idea, and worth trying. (_Aloud._) My dear Sir, why +_shouldn't_ you? In any case I should terminate my connection with the +music-hall as soon as possible. + +_Mr. Toov. (disappointed)._ Would you? Then you _do_ think----? But +the sacrifice, my dear young friend, it--it's a great deal of money to +give up! + +_Curph. (lightly)._ Oh, that's of no consequence. I shouldn't think of +that, for a moment! + +_Mr. Toov. (to himself, annoyed)._ It's all very well for him to talk +like that, but it's _my_ sacrifice, and I _do_ think of it! (_Aloud._) +But--but wouldn't it be a little Quixotic to withdraw from this +Eldorado, supposing I found there was no moral objection to it, eh? + +_Curph._ I thought you would be the first to insist that the Eldorado +should be given up! Surely, Sir, when I tell you that I love your +daughter; that I hope, though I have not spoken as yet, to enter your +family some day as your son-in-law, you will look at it differently? + +_Mr. Toov. (to himself)._ He does want to marry our THEA? CORNELIA +will he delighted--delighted, but I really can't allow him to dictate +to me whether to sell the shares or not! (_Aloud, with dignity._) My +good young friend, I have lived longer than you in the world, and you +will permit me to say that if, after investigation, I see no cause to +disapprove of the Eldorado, there is no reason that I can discover +why _you_ should hesitate to enter my family. I--I must act on my own +judgment--entirely on my own judgment! + +_Curph. (to himself)._ He _is_ an old trump! Who would have thought +he'd be so reasonable. (_Aloud, overjoyed._) My dear Sir, how can +I thank you? That is all I ask--more than I could possibly have +expected. And I was about to suggest that you might drop into the +Eldorado some evening this week and judge for yourself. + +_Mr. Toov. (recoiling in consternation)._ I? I drop into a music-hall? +Oh, I couldn't, indeed! Why, I never was in such a place in all my +life. And if anybody were to see me there! + +_Curph._ You need not be seen at all. There are private boxes where no +one would notice you, I could easily get them to send you one, if you +like. + +_Mr. Toov. (to himself)._ What a power the Press is, to be sure! +I remember CHARLES said that newspaper writers could get seats for +everything. (_Aloud._) Really, I hardly know what to say; it's so very +contrary to all my habits, and then--to go alone. Now if _you_ would +only accompany me---- + +_Curph._ You forget, Sir, that's quite impossible. _I_ can't come in +the box with you! + +_Mr. Toov. (to himself)._ There it is--it's against his principles to +go himself, and yet he expects _me_ to! (_Aloud, peevishly._) Then why +are you so anxious to have _me_ go, eh? + +_Curph._ Why? Because there are Mrs. TOOVEY'S prejudices to be +considered, and I'm anxious that you should be in a position to assure +her from your own personal experience that---- + +_Mr. Toov._ Oh, my dear young friend, if I did go, I don't think I +could ever mention such an experience as that to Mrs. TOOVEY. She--she +might fail to understand that I merely went for the satisfaction of my +own conscience. + +_Curph._ She might, of course. So long as you satisfy yourself, then. +And--what night will suit you best? + +_Mr. Toov._ You're in such a hurry, young man. I--I never said I +should go. I'm not at all sure that I _can_ go; but if I did allow +myself to venture, it would have to be some evening when my wife--let +me see, on Saturday she's going out to some special meeting of her +Zenana Mission Committee, I know. It had better be Saturday, if at +all--if at all. + +_Curph. (making a note)._ Very well. I will see you have a box for +that evening, and I hope you will manage to go. But there's a train +coming in--I must really be off. Good-bye, Sir, and very many thanks +for the kind and generous way in which you have treated me. I am +very glad we have had this explanation, and thoroughly understand one +another. Good-bye--good-bye! + + [_He shakes_ Mr. TOOVEY'S _hand with cordial gratitude, and rushes out_. + +_Mr. Toov. (looking after him in some mystification)._ A most +high-minded young man, but a little too officious. And I don't +understand why he makes such a point of my going to this Eldorado +_now_. But, if I do go, I mayn't see anything to disapprove of; and, +if I don't, I shall keep the shares--whether he likes it or not. He +may be a very worthy young man, but I doubt whether he's quite a man +of the world! + +END OF SCENE V. + + * * * * * + +A STUDY IN PRESS-LAND. + +(_An Actuality, in one short Scene, at the service of the Institute of +Journalists._) + +SCENE--_An Editor's Room._ Editor _discovered in conversation with_ +Would-be Reporter. + +_Editor (preparing to resume his work)._ Well, from all you tell me, I +imagine you must be a most accomplished person. + +_Would-be Reporter (smiling)._ Well, I believe I am up to the standard +required by the Institute of Journalists. My classics are fairly good, +but I do not know as much as I should of mixed mathematics. However, +I took a double first at Oxford; but then I had a particularly easy +year. All the men against me were practically duffers. + +_Ed. (slightly interested)._ Do you know anything of modern languages? + +_W.-be Rep._ Well, yes. I can speak and write European in all its +branches, including Swedish and Norwegian _patois_, and the _argot_ +used on the borders of Turkey and Greece. I am fairly well up in +Chinese, but have only a general idea of the grammar of Afghanistan. +But I may add that I am spending four hours a day in completing this +part of my training. + +_Ed._ I think you said that you have passed in engineering, +orchestra-playing, astronomy, naval and military tactics, and the +history of the world, and the other components of the planetary +system? + +_W.-be Rep._ Certainly; I have in every way (save that I have still +to pass in Roman Law) satisfied the requirements of the Institute +of Journalists. I am all but qualified for the reception of an +Associate's degree. + +_Ed. (with a view to closing the interview)._ Very well, then; we +shall be glad to use anything you may be good enough to send us--of +course, at the customary rate. + +_W.-be Rep. (gratefully)._ A thousand thanks. I know; three-half-pence +a line, with a minimum of three shillings. + +_Ed._ Precisely. (_Taking up his pen._) And now, as my Sub-editor +told me that there was a fire somewhere in the neighbourhood, you had +better look after it. + +_W.-be Rep._ Thank you so much. But as I have forgotten to bring my +reporter's-book, perhaps you will kindly lend me some copy-paper? + +_Ed._ Certainly; you will find some in that corner. (_He approaches +speaking-tube, to which he has been summoned by a whistle._) Ah! You +need not trouble after the fire, for I find we have already received a +report from someone on the spot. + +_W.-be Rep. (in a tone of disappointment)._ What a bore! just as I was +going to report it myself! However, better luck next time. + +_Ed. (courteously)._ I hope so; good morning. (_Exit_ Would-be +Reporter.) What a nuisance these fellows are! Highly educated, +of course, and all that sort of thing; but I am not sure that the +rough-and-ready school was not the better. + +_W.-be Rep. (re-entering hurriedly)._ My good Sir! Fancy! the man +who has sent you the report of the local fire was educated at a small +grammar-school, and never even entered a university! + +_Ed._ Well, what of that? + +_W.-be Rep. (surprised)._ You surely won't use his copy? + +_Ed. (decisively)._ I surely shall. First come, first served. And now +you must allow me. (_Returns to his work, to the surprise and disgust +of_ Would-be Reporter. _Curtain._) + + * * * * * + +"PIECE AND WAR!" AT DRURY LANE. + +"Victory sits on our helms!" cries Sir DRURIOLANUS AUCTOR to HENRICUS +PARVUS ETIAM AUCTOR, as they drive back to "The Helms, Regent's Park," +after the curtain has descended on the last scene of the last act of +_A Life of Pleasure_ at Drury Lane. Twice has Sir DRURIOLANUS appeared +before the footlights at the end of the Fourth Act, when some battle +in Burmah is gallantly won by the united dramatic forces under the +heroic but comic Captain HARRY NICHOLLS, Colonel Lord FRANK FENTON +AVONDALE, Sergeant CLARENCE HOLT, and a handful of the bravest +soldiers that ever marched to glory over the boards of old Drury Lane. +What the story is, and how these heroes got into the jungle and out +again, and how the right man married the right woman, and how the +wronged woman would have saved the villain from the vengeance of HENRY +DESMOND O'NEVILLE,--who, alas, had to stay in the green-room while +the others were distinguishing themselves in Burmah,--is known to the +clever collaborators and a few of their trusted confidants. Of that +strange history I, a mere civilian, had every detail blown clean out +of my head by the din of the great battle. In fact, never have I heard +of any "theatrical engagement" equal to this. + +[Illustration: "The Action of the Piece."] + +That Miss LILY HANBURY looked lovely, and touched my heart; that Mrs. +BERNARD-BEERE suddenly developed a brogue that, on occasion, betrayed +her nationality; that Miss LE THIERE was a villainous matron; that +Miss LAURA LINDEN was sprightly and pretty; that Mr. ARTHUR DACRE was +the best representative of lop-sided villainy ever seen on the stage; +and that Mr. ROBERT SOUTAR reappeared as an elderly masher about town; +all this, I am ready to admit, would have been good enough for +me, without any attempt on my part at stringing them together in a +consecutive story. Didn't I know from the very moment she appeared +in deep black, and with a very pale face, that Miss LE THIERE was a +villain of the deepest dye in petticoats? Could I have trusted Mr. +ARTHUR DACRE, in his neat grey suit, with a sixpence, much less +with my life? As for Mr. ELTON, representing the Hebraic +money-lender--indispensable of late years to all Drury Lane +dramas--wasn't I well aware that he was to be the comic villain, only +set up to be knocked down again, and to be finally bowled out by +the apparently simple HARRY NICHOLLS? Then there is the scene at the +Empire, admirably stage-managed, but the ladies should try to take +just a trifle more interest in the strange proceedings of that +eventful night, as they should also do when re-appearing as wedding +guests in the last act. But these fair ladies are heartless; all's +one to them, happen what may. Then there was the House-boat, equally +well-arranged; but everything is entirely eclipsed by the Military +Act, in three scenes, which contains "the action of the piece," and +leaves the audience half-deafened by mitrailleuses, and half-choked by +the gunpowder. But as the smoke gradually cleared away, the stalwart +figure of the Commander-in-Chief, yclept DRURIOLANUS himself, was seen +bowing his acknowledgments. + +But what was it all about? "'Why, that I cannot tell,' quoth Old +CASPAR, 'but 'twas a famous victory!'" And if you, my non-combatant +readers, wish to know how the Burmese War was undertaken for the +special benefit of HARRY NICHOLLS, you just go and see for yourself +the new drama, mysteriously entitled _A Life of Pleasure_, at T. R. +Drury Lane, and for this advice you will thank + + "OLD CASPAR." + + * * * * * + +A MOOT POINT.--The G. O. M. is reported to have been engaged in +translating _Horace_. Is this a picturesque way of referring to the +recent elevation of Sir HORACE DAVEY? + +UNHAPPY INFLUENCE OF MODERN MUSIC-HALL MELODIES. + +"THERE LIES THE BRAVE KNIGHT, DARLING, WITH HIS FAITHFUL DOG AT HIS +FEET, AND HIS WIFE BY HIS SIDE!" + +"AND HAS SHE GOT A DOG, TOO, MUMMY?" + +"NO, DARLING, ONLY A CUSHION!" + +"AH, I SUPPOSE HER DADDY _WOULDN'T_ BUY HER A BOW-WOW-WOW!" + + * * * * * + +THE "FORLORN HOPE." + + ["It is understood (says the _Daily News_) that Mr. GLADSTONE + will speak in Edinburgh on Wednesday, September 27, on the + action of the House of Lords in rejecting the Home-Rule Bill. + His followers are expecting him to give the word of command + for an attack on the Upper House."] + + "_CHILDE ROLAND to the Dark Tower came!_" So runs + The boding refrain BROWNING visioned out. + CHILDE ROLAND valiant was, and wondrous stout; + But that Dark Tower, which never noonday suns, + Full-garrisoned by feudal myrmidons, + Might strike to ROLAND'S heart the chill of doubt. + + Four-square to the four winds the fortress stands, + Pinnacled high upon a frowning rock. + It hath survived the many-centuried shock + Of elements, the assault of myriad hands, + And to the attack will you now lead your _bands_, + Whose rage crag-crowning battlements seem to mock? + + True from those battlements they've hung, in scorn, + Your herald, whose torn trappings wildly wave + In the rough wind. Though 'tis too late to save + You'd fain avenge. Such flouts are hardly borne + By Leaders whilst old lips can sound a horn + And hands, though ancient, yet can lift a glaive. + + Sound an alarm! Let the fierce war-cry sound! + Your followers listen for it. They will cheer + When its defiant shrill salutes their ear. + Down with the Fortress! Raze it to the ground! + End it, not mend it! So they rattle round, + The shoutings and the floutings far and near. + + And you, the new CHILDE ROLAND, what think you, + At heart, behind that bold and fluent tongue? + Lead a Forlorn Hope? Yes, though Death's self flung + Its form of bony shape and grisly hue + Athwart your path! But--is here aught to do + That's _worth_ the venture, when all's said and sung? + + "_If, at their counsel, I should turn aside + Into that ominous tract which all agree + Hides the Dark Tower? If acquiescingly + I do turn as they've pointed! Neither pride + Nor hope rekindling at the end descried + So much in gladness that some end should be._ + + "_Thus, I have so long suffered in this quest + Heard failure prophesied so oft, been writ + So many times among 'The Band'--to wit + The knights who to the Dark Tower's search addressed + Their steps--that just to fail as they, seemed best + And all the doubt is now--shall I be fit?_ + + "_What in the mist lies but the Tower itself? + The square squat turrets, blind as the fool's heart, + Built of grey stone, without a counterpart + In the whole world. The tempest's mocking elf + Points to the shipman thus the unseen shelf + He strikes on, only when the timbers start._" + + So mused CHILDE ROLAND! Chief of the white crest, + With thine adventure doth the strain not fit + Most strangely? Looms the Dark Tower turret-lit + By autumn rays low, chilly, from the west, + So waterishly wan. Oh! crowning test + Of mortal valour and of human wit! + + Lead the Forlorn Hope on! E'en Hopes Forlorn + Do not fail always. Scale the craggy height! + Cheer on your clamorous followers to the fight. + Citadels deemed impregnable, in scorn + _Have_ mocked their rash beleaguerers at morn + To see them swarm their battlements ere night. + + And you, your courage seems to master Fate + And mock at Time. Yet Time and Fate, at last, + In the greatest life-game have the latest cast. + Heroic 'tis to see you, strong, elate, + Heading the onset, and in _Punch's_ pate + Rings the old rhyme of the romantic past. + + "There they stood, ranged along the hillsides--met + To view the last of me, a living frame + For one more picture! in a sheet of flame + I saw them and I knew them all. And yet + Dauntless the slug-horn to my lips I set + And blew. '_CHILDE ROLAND to the Dark Tower came._'" + + * * * * * + +CONTRIBUTED BY ONE "_IN STATU PUPILLARI_."--Great changes are +expected in Egypt. It is said that a certain well-known oculist, +no, we beg his pardon, we should have described him as "Ophthalmic +Surgeon," whose name is something between "Crotchet" and "Cricket," +and whose recent evidence in a police-court was quite "an eye-opener" +to the worthy magistrate and the prisoners, is going out to remove +the First Cataract. We wish him every possible success. He will be +returned for the next Parliament as the Member for Eye. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE "FORLORN HOPE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + + _"BREEZES"_ + + --_in the "Daily Graphic" Office!!_ + +That "Weather Young Person" has been caught out in a piece of +barefaced duplicity of which _Mr. Punch_ would not have suspected her +capable. From a sense of professional duty, no doubt, she has +been surreptitiously attending the meetings of the "Congress of +Journalists," leaving a plausible substitute in her place! Climatic +disturbances have revealed the fraud!! + + _Storm Cone hoisted!!_] + + * * * * * + +CROWNING THE EDIFICE. + +(_A Study Translated into English from Zolaesque._) + +EMILE was triumphant. The arm-chair of the Academy was still vacant. +He did not yet fill it. But, for all that, he was triumphant, for he +had performed a brave action. He had achieved a veritable success. It +was more than thousands from the coffers of the publishers, more +than pages of praises of the papers. It was a great event at length +wonderfully accomplished. + +EMILE sat in his London lodgings satisfied with all his surroundings. +Of course, he was interviewed. He had been followed from France to +England, and had seen in an evening paper an account of the temporary +indisposition of one very dear to him on board the boat. He was +prepared for his visitor. + +"I am very comfortable. I think England charming; love its fog, and am +deeply impressed with the LORD MAYOR. I soon had enough of the first +meeting of the Congress of the Institute, but thought the ball at +Guildhall excellent. I really have no more to say. Next please." But +his Interviewer was not to be discarded hurriedly. He stood to his +guns, or, rather, his reporter's book. + +"Are you not proud of all your volumes? Do you not think that by +writing them you have achieved the success of the century?" + +"I am certainly proud of my work. But my work is not my greatest +achievement. No, a thousand times no, it is not my greatest +achievement." + +"Well what is?" asked the Interviewer; and then he added, "Please +look sharp about it, as I have to do the Archbishop of CANTERBURY, Mr. +MONTE CARLO WELLS, and Mr. BALFOUR, before I return to the office." + +"Yes, I am prouder of this last feat," pursued the Master, ignoring +the presence of the Reporter, "than the rest put together. It has +taken me all my life to make up my mind to do it; but it is done at +last." + +"Of what are you speaking?" + +"Yes, what are my novels compared to the heroism of those sixty-five +minutes! That hour has been a bar to my compatriots. It has kept them +in France. And now I am their superior. I have at length the right to +boast a triumph!" + +The Interviewer made an entry in his note-book, then he asked for +further explanation. + +"And so you are prouder of this event than all your hard-earned fame. +And now tell me what event has so greatly moved you?" + +"With pleasure. But listen. For twenty years I have laboured to +write the history of France in romance. And when I say the history of +France, I mean that part of the nation's story which has sprung from +the Third Empire." + +"Yes, yes," interrupted the Interviewer; "and you have done it well. +But pardon me, I am pressed for time. His Grace of CANTERBURY awaits +me at Lambeth. Out with it! What is your special cause for pride?" + +"Yes, I have been maligned, misunderstood, insulted, hated. But +men must now call me a man of great courage, a man of infinite +determination. For I have done it. Yes, after a lifetime of careful +consideration I have done it!" + +"Done what?" asked the Interviewer, who was growing impatient. + +Then came the reply, uttered in a tone of indescribable emotion: + +"I have crossed the Channel!" + + * * * * * + +"MY CUMMERBUND." + +_Sunday._--At Club. Conversation (learned) about epidemics. Heard +somebody (an authority of course on the subject) say, "Oh, rub plenty +of camphor into your cummerbund." Replied, "Yes; good idea." Wrote +it down. Was going to question him as to details, but found he had +quitted the club. Know what camphor is, not quite certain as to +"cummerbund." Think it's Indian. Called in at Oriental Club. Old +Oriental says, "Only natives wear cummerbunds." Oh, then "cummerbund" +is not something to eat or drink? "No; it's a kind of cloth. Get 'em +anywhere now." Anywhere? It appears I am behind the age. Everyone, +except myself apparently, knows all about a "cummerbund." It sounds a +bit Scotch; also German. "Cummer" Scotch; "Bund" German. German Bund. +To be obtained at hosier's, or at any emporium for Indian clothing. +Good. + +_Monday._--Bought cummerbund. Bright colour; neat. Bought also large +bottle of camphor. Rubbed it in. Strong smell--more than strong. But +self-preservation is first law, &c., &c., so get accustomed to it. +After one day's wearing, don't notice saturated cummerbund. Quite +accustomed to it. + +_Tuesday._--Went to see SMITH. "Hullo, old fellow," he says, "afraid +of moths in your clothes, eh?" Ask what he means. He mentions strong +smell of camphor. I explain my preventive measures. "Oh, that's all +very well!" he returns; "but the very best thing is to soak your shirt +in turpentine. I'm sure of it." Sure he is right, because he is a +student at Guy's. Thank him warmly for this life-saving hint. Rush +home; follow his advice. Beastly smell at first, but soon cease to +notice it. Continue wearing camphorated cummerbund also, as an extra +precaution. Call on Mrs. MONTGOMERY-MUMBY. Sweet girl her niece! +Somehow she seems to avoid me, a thing she never did before. So they +all do, and I have no one to talk to but a crippled uncle of +theirs, who apparently has a bad cold in his head, for he holds his +handkerchief to his nose all the time. JONES called. Says he has seen +SMITH. "By Jove!" he exclaims, "you've been going in for oil painting, +or chemistry, or something. There's a tremendous smell of turpentine." +I explain. "Oh, there's no harm in that," he says; "but a far better +thing is to wet your waistcoat with carbolic acid. Antiseptic, you +know." Now he is a student at Bart's, and probably knows as much as +SMITH. Thank him, and resolve to try his preventive in addition to +the other. Down to Eastbourne. Everyone clears out of railway carriage +soon after I get in, except one old man, who says he is a medical man, +and that a plentiful use of disinfectants is no doubt advisable. + +_Wednesday._--Meet ROBINSON on the Parade. Says he saw SMITH on +Tuesday. Asks me what I think of the epidemic scare. Explain my +precautions. "Thought I noticed an awful smell," he says. "Hope +it's all right. As for me, I believe there's nothing like pouring +sulphuretted hydrogen all over the inside of your coat. Had it from +my uncle, who was Medical Officer of Health at Benares." An invaluable +suggestion; buy a bottle, and follow his directions when dressing +for dinner. Horrible stench, like rotten eggs! However, soon get +accustomed to it. To a dance at the CHOLMONDELEY-CHICKS'S. Never more +annoyed in my life. Every girl says she has no dance left. What +can have offended them all? The only partner I have is +CHOLMONDELEY-CHICK'S maiden aunt, and she faints in my arms after +going once round the room. However, I have a good supper, for the +dining-room is quite empty all the time I am in it, so I can get as +much as I like. + +_Thursday._--Back to town. TOMKINS looks in. Says he saw SMITH the other +day. Then looks curiously all round room. "Do you keep eggs in this room?" +he asks; "hot weather turned 'em bad, eh?" Explain that I have used +sulphuretted hydrogen. "Those chemical things," he says, holding his nose, +"are not half so good as plain, homely preparations. The finest thing of +all is to soak all your clothes in gin and peppermint. Had it from a man +who ought to know, for he spent last autumn in Hamburg and used bottles +full." Thank him with sincere gratitude, and as soon as possible try this +new precaution. To theatre. People near me begin a great talking. +Commissionaire asks me to leave. Says "money will be returned." Hanged +if I go! I've paid for this seat. Then a fearful uproar starts. Do not +remember details of fight, but find myself "chucked" into the roadway. +Policeman picks me up as drunk and incapable. Spend night in police-cell. +* * * * Explanations magisterially accepted.... Apology given and taken. +Off (with the cummerbund), and away for a tour in the North. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A VERY GREAT MAN. + +(_Cub Hunting._) + +_Young Farmer._ "WELL, MASTER JACK! OUT AGAIN?" + +_Master Jack._ "WHY, YES. FACT IS, YOU KNOW, ALWAYS LIKE TO GET +AS MUCH IN AS POSSIBLE BEFORE WE BEGIN TO ADVERTISE. BRINGS SUCH A +BEASTLY LOT O' DUFFERS OUT, DON'T YOU KNOW!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +CHATTO AND WINDUS have just issued a new edition of OUIDA'S _Dog of +Flanders_. The well-got-up and cheaply-priced volume contains three +other Stories, nearly as charming. In the quartette OUIDA, my Baronite +says, will be found at her best--OUIDA, without the weeds of grossness +and comical classicality that sometimes grow in her pastures. Of this +volume of her works it may be said that, happily, LEMPRIERE is not in +it. + +To those about to travel, whether there and back, or there or back, +is immaterial, the Baron strongly recommends _The Great Shadow_ and +_Beyond the City_, two stories in one volume by CONAN DOYLE, published +in ARROWSMITH'S three and sixpenny series. It is a long time since the +Baron has read a more dramatically told story than that of _The Great +Shadow_. Truly, if his opinion had been asked, he would have seriously +advised any novelist against attempting, in any form, a description of +the Battle of Waterloo. Yet, though CONAN DOYLE has done it admirably, +there is, thinks the Baron, just one chapter too much of this work. No +one, since CHARLES LEVER wrote, has achieved anything like it, though +there is just a smack of _Orthis Mulcaney & Co._ about it which--"but +that is another story." The Baron finding no fault with the +illustrations as illustrations, wishes that the tales had been left +to themselves, and that they had been told without these superfluous +aids. It is a pleasure to recommend such a book, and it _is_ +recommended by everybody's trusted Literary Adviser, THE BARON DE +BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +What the Vicar of Amesbury Inclines to Say. + +(_Judging from his Letter in the "Standard," September 22, on the +Desecration or Preservation of Stonehenge Question._) + + My friends, for goodness' sake forbear + From fussy interference here. + Blest be the man who "makes no bones,", + And blamed be he who stirs these stones! + + * * * * * + +HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF. + +(_A Thought at the Haymarket Theatre._) + + The first appearance "of the Personal Devil" + Was nigh the Tree of Knowledge, good and evil; + And so the Tempter's latest _role_ we see + Is still associated with a TREE. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Wednesday, September 20._--Met WOODALL, V.C., +crossing Lobby just now on the way to his battlemented tower. +Shouldn't have known him--indeed, had passed him, when I recognised +his voice hailing me. It had an unusually tinny sound, due to fact +that it made its way through the interstices of a closed visor. + +"Good gracious, WOODALL!" I said; "is that you? I thought it was one +of the figures from the Tower taking an airing." + +"Yes," said the Financial Secretary to the War Office with same +vibrating, tinny intonation, "by my halidome (so to speak) it's me: +and precious hot and generally uncomfortable it is, too, I can tell +you. The things don't fit, you see; borrowed them from the Tower; +some a size too large, which is bad; others a turn too small, which, +considering they are made in metal, is worse." + +WOODALL got up, regardless of expense, in helmet, breastplate, things +like kneecaps, and a piece of sheet-iron fitted to the small of his +back. + +"What do you do it for, then?" + +With difficulty WOODALL, V.C., unhooked something in his visor, and, +after cautiously looking round, took it off. + +"Haven't you heard," he said, as he mopped his forehead, "of the +Secret Society, sworn to decimate us fellows of the War Office? Began +with ST. JOHN BRODRICK, who narrowly escaped assassination in the +streets; went on to CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN, who was threatened with sudden +death. Now they've turned their attention on me. Every post brings +an anonymous letter, advising me that my end approaches. They are +in different handwriting, but the note-paper enjoys in common the +adornment of a death's-head and cross-bones. Sometimes there's a +coffin underneath; occasionally this accessory is omitted; it is made +up for in the added ferocity of the communication. This makes one very +uneasy. I daresay you have observed how stout CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN looks +of late. It's only his shirt of mail, worn under his ordinary linen. +He says he's going to Marienbad to get rid of it; that's only his +joke. As for me, I don't think it's worth mincing matters. I, as you +see, go the whole animal; but it's very wearing. SANDHURST told me +it was a case of armour or assassination. Having tried the armour +for three days, am not quite sure I should not prefer assassination. +Excuse me, there's a strange man lingering in the corner." + +[Illustration: Woodall, V.C.] + +And WOODALL, shutting his head up in the helmet, warily walked off. + +[Illustration: WHO WOULD BE AN M.P.? + +_A Warning to Aspiring Legislators._] + +_Business done._--Appropriation Bill read a Second time. + +_Friday._--All over. Royal Assent given to Appropriation Bill. Curtain +falls on last scene in Act I. of Session 1893; a play in two Acts. + +"And whose Session should you say it has been, TOBY?" asked ROWTON, a +man of universal sympathies, and an insatiable thirst for knowledge. + +"Mr. G.'s, I suppose. At least, that will be the general verdict. He +has outshone himself. Whether you like what he has done or detest it, +you must pay homage to the tireless energy, the infinite skill, and +the matchless eloquence with which it has been accomplished. JOSEPH +has excelled himself as a Parliamentary force; PRINCE ARTHUR has taken +a long stride in the direction of establishing himself in position +of Leader. These things are obvious, and will be said everywhere. But +since you ask me whose Session it has been, I should say it has been +MARJORIBANKS'. It's all very well to have a supreme Parliamentarian +leading majority, small but compact. If you haven't got a Whip that +can keep them together, who not only has them there on big field +night, but always on the spot to repel surprises, where are you? In +ordinary times it's comparatively easy to keep the Conservatives in +hand, whether in office or out. Out or in the Liberals are skittish. +This Session things have been peculiarly critical, as is shown in the +cases of NAPOLEON BOLTONPARTY and the SENTENTIOUS SAUNDERS. To keep +a majority safe and steady at such times requires in a Whip a rare +combination of gifts and graces. With the assistance of an excellent +team, MARJORIBANKS has done this. It is a minor Ministerial post, +but the service rendered is incalculable. So if you want to name the +Session, call it MAJORITYBANKS'." + +[Illustration: Expiring Law Continuance Bill passing through +Committee.] + +_Business done._--Parliament adjourned till November 2. + + * * * * * + +PERSONAL COURAGE.--A Reuter's telegram last week states that "The +Brazilian Minister here refuses to be interviewed." + + * * * * * + +THE JOLLY YOUNG WATERMAIDS. + +[Illustration] + + And have you not read of eight jolly young watermaids, + Lately at Cookham accustomed to ply + And feather their oars with a deal of dexterity, + Pleasing the critical masculine eye? + They swing so truly and pull so steadily, + Multitudes flock to the river-side readily;-- + It's not the eighth wonder that all the world's there, + But this watermaid eight, ne'er in want of a stare. + What sights of white costumes! What ties and what hatbands, + "Leander cerise!" We don't wish to offend, + But are these first thoughts with the dashing young women + Who don't dash too much in a spurt off Bourne End? + Mere nonsense, of course! There's no "giggling and leering"-- + Complete ruination to rowing and steering;-- + "All eyes in the boat" is their coach's first care, + And "a spin of twelve miles" is as naught to the fair. + + * * * * * + +THEATRICAL NEWS.--During the absence of _Beckett_ from London, and +_The Second Mrs. Tanqueray_ having left town, _The Tempter_ in the +Haymarket tried to entice _Charley's Aunt_ from the Globe to go in for +_A Life of Pleasure_ at Drury Lane, but _The Other Fellow_ from the +Court induced her to go for _A Trip to Chicago_ in The Vaudeville, +where he cruelly abandoned her, to take up with _La Fille de Madame +Angot_, at the Criterion. But she soon let him know what _A +Woman's Revenge_ at the Adelphi was like, and he sailed away in +the Shaftesbury, _Morocco Bound_, pursued by _Don Quixote_, who had +watched the proceedings from the Strand. The lady who in the meantime +had obtained the fortunate talisman of _La Mascotte_ from the Gaiety, +was provided by DALY'S Company with _Dollars and Sense_, and is now +doing uncommonly well. But the villain, who would have made her his +victim, will soon experience the result of _Sowing the Wind_ at the +Comedy. + + * * * * * + +"SUBGRADUATUS INDIGNANS" writes.--"SIR,--Within the last fortnight on +one day I find in the _Standard_ that '_seventy degrees were recorded +at Cambridge_!' How's this? During Long Vacation!! Who conferred these +degrees? What degrees? Who got 'em? Where's the Vice-Chancellor? I +pause for a reply. P S.--Beg pardon! Find I have overlooked head of +paragraph, '_The falling barometer_,' &c., &c., so that _perhaps_ I +may be in error." + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's Note + +Page 149: 'orchesta' corrected to 'orchestra' "orchestra-playing, +astronomy, naval and military tactics," + +'just as I was going to it report myself!' corrected to 'just as I was +going to report it myself!' + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +105, September 30th 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 38672.txt or 38672.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/8/6/7/38672/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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