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diff --git a/38899.txt b/38899.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fade7d0 --- /dev/null +++ b/38899.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2043 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, +June 21st, 1916, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, June 21st, 1916 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 19, 2012 [EBook #38899] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + * * * * * + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 150 + +JUNE 21, 1916 + + * * * * * + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +An "Iron Scheer" is to be erected at Cuxhaven in honour of the +"victor" of the Battle of Horn Reef. It is thought, however, that lead +would be more appropriate than iron for the occasion. It runs more +easily under fire. + + * * * + +"I want," said Mr. ROOSEVELT, at Oyster Bay, "to tell you newspaper +men that it is useless to come to see me. I have nothing to say." As +however some of them had come quite a long way to see him, he might at +least have made a noise like a Bull Moose. + + * * * + +Asked as to the nature of his disability, an appellant informed one of +the London Tribunals that he was a member of the V.T.C. This studied +insult to a fine body of men was, we are happy to say, repudiated by +the Tribunal, which advised the applicant to try to join a "crack" +regiment. + + * * * + +No civilians being available for the work, fifty men of the Royal +Scots regiment laid half-a-mile of water main at Coggeshall Abbey +in record time. This incident should finally dispose of a popular +superstition that among the Scotch water is only a secondary +consideration. + + * * * + +The Water Board has spent L70 in renovating some Chippendale chairs +belonging to the New River Company. The poor shareholders are quite +helpless in the matter. + + * * * + +On an acre of ground, a man told the Farnham Tribunal, he kept 9 sows, +34 pigs and 1 horse, and grew a quarter-of-an-acre of mangolds and a +quarter-of-an-acre of potatoes. Asked where he kept himself the man +is understood to have reluctantly named an exclusive hotel in the West +End. + + * * * + +"The extra hour of daylight is turning every City man into a +gardener," says _The Daily Mail_. This must be a source of great +concern to our contemporary, according to which, if we read aright, +the majority of our public men do their work like gardeners. + + * * * + +"A wave of temperance might come by sending drunkards to prison for a +second offence," said Mr. MEAD at the West London Court. This remark +will cause consternation in those select circles in which a second +offence is usually an indication of a discriminating dilettantism. + + * * * + +"Mr. Hughes," says _The Daily Mail_, "goes to the Paris Conference +with the British ideals in his pocket." Personally, we have an idea +that things of this sort ought to be left in the Cabinet. + + * * * + +"This war," says _The Fishing Gazette_, "is going to provide +protection to fish from the trawlers in all places where ships sink on +trawling-grounds." That, however, is not the real issue, and we cannot +too strongly deprecate such an unscrupulous attempt on the part of our +contemporary to draw a red herring across the trail. + +[Illustration: PUNCTUALITY. + +_Sergeant._ "FALL IN AGIN AT 'LEVEN O'CLOCK. AN' WHEN I SAY, 'FALL IN +AT 'LEVEN O'CLOCK,' I MEAN FALL IN AT 'LEVEN. SO _FALL IN AT 'ALF-PAST +TEN_!"] + + * * * + +According to a New York cable, President WILSON last week headed a +procession in favour of military preparedness as an ordinary citizen +in a straw hat, blue coat, cream pants, and carrying an American flag +on his shoulders. The intensely militant note struck by the cream +pants is regarded as a body blow to the hope of the pacificists in +the party and astonished even the most chauvinistic of PRESIDENT'S +admirers. + + * * * + +"For anyone to keep a cow for their private supply of milk is a +luxury, and there is no necessity for it," said the Chairman of the +Chobham Tribunal, and, as a result of this ruling, a maiden lady in +the district who has long cherished the ambition of keeping a bee for +her private supply of honey has reluctantly decided to abandon the +idea. + + * * * + +Berlin's newest attraction is said to be a young woman named ANNA VON +BERGDORFF, who has revealed extraordinary powers of memory, and whose +chief accomplishment is to "remember and repeat without error from +twenty-five to fifty disconnected words after hearing them once." In +these circumstances it would seem to be a thousand pities that the +lady was not present when the KAISER received the news of the famous +"victory" of his Fleet in the Battle of Jutland. + + * * * + +In St. Louis, U.S.A., the Democratic National Convention is claiming +on behalf of President WILSON that he has "successfully steered the +ship of State throughout troublous times without involving the United +States in war." Or, as the hyphenateds put it more tersely, "Woodrow +has delivered the goods." + + * * * + +In a bird's-nest in a water-pipe at Sheffield a workman has discovered +a L20 Bank of England note, which, we understand, has since been +claimed by various people in the neighbourhood who have lately been +troubled by mysterious thefts of L1 and 10s. Treasury notes, as well +as by a man who alleges that he was recently robbed of that exact sum +in silver and copper coins. + + * * * + +A traveller who has arrived in Amsterdam from Berlin states that in +that city placards have been pasted on all the walls explaining that +the KAISER is not responsible for the War. We hope however that now it +has been brought to his notice it is not unreasonable on our part to +express the hope that he will promptly decide to go a step further and +declare his neutrality. + + * * * + +At an Exhibition of Substitutes now being held in Berlin a special +department displayed stage decorations, scenery and costumes made +mostly out of paper instead of wool. As a counterblast to the alleged +German superiority in matters of this sort, it is pleasant to be able +to record the fact that in our English theatres it is no uncommon +thing to see an audience made mostly out of the same material. + + * * * * * + +HEART-TO-HEART TALKS. + +(_Marshal VON HINDENBERG and Admiral VON SCHEER._) + +_The Admiral._ The beer, at any rate, is good. + +_The Marshal._ Yes, the beer is good enough, Heaven be thanked! I only +wish everything else was as good as the beer. + +_The Admiral._ So then there is grumbling here too. It was in my mind +that I should find everything here in first-rate order and everybody +delighted with the condition of things. + +_The Marshal._ So? Then all I can say is that you expected too much. +You do not seem to realise how things are going with us. I suppose you +had thought the Russians were absolutely done for after what happened +to them last year. So thought the All-highest, who has a mania for +imagining complete victories and talking about them in language that +makes one ashamed of being a German. As if---- + +_The Admiral._ Yes, that's quite true. I'll tell you a little story +about that later on. + +_The Marshal._ Well, he saw complete victory over the Russians, and +what does he do? He withdraws some of my best divisions to the Western +Front and throws them into that boiling cauldron at Verdun, where they +have all perished to the last man, and leaves me with my thinned line +to hold out as best I can; and, not content with this, he permits +those accursed Austrians to rush their troops, if indeed they are +worthy to be called by that name, headlong into Italy on a mad +adventure of their own and to get stuck there far beyond the +possibility of help. And then what happens? The moment arrives when +the new and immense Russian armies are trained, and when they have +rifles and cannons and ammunition in plenty, and one fine day they +wake up and hurl themselves against the Austrians, and helter-skelter +away go the whole set of Archdukes and Generals and Colonels and men, +each trying to see who has the longest legs and can use them quickest +for escaping. And I'm expected to bring up my fellows, who have quite +enough to do where they are, and to sacrifice them in helping this +rabble. "HINDENBURG," said the All-highest to me, "be up and doing. +Show yourself worthy of your ancient glory and earn more golden nails +for your wooden statue." "Majesty," I replied, "if you will leave +me my fighting men, you can keep all the golden nails that were ever +made." But at this he frowned, suspecting a joke: I have often noticed +that he does not like jokes. + +_The Admiral._ Yes, I have noticed that myself, and I always do my +best to take him quite seriously. But I was going to tell you a little +story about our speechmaking hero. Here it is. As you know, he ordered +us out to fight the naval battle off Jutland. + +_The Marshal._ Yes, I know--the great victory. + +_The Admiral._ Hum-hum. + +_The Marshal._ Well, wasn't it? + +_The Admiral._ Ye-e-s, that is to say, not exactly what one +understands by great and not precisely what is meant by victory. +However, we can discuss that another time. What I wanted to tell you +was this. The speech our friend and KAISER made---- + +_The Marshal._ It was a highly coloured piece of fireworks. + +_The Admiral._ Well, it was all prepared and written down days before +the fight was fought. I heard this from a sure source, from someone, +in fact, who had seen the manuscript and had afterwards caught sight +of the Imperial one rehearsing it before a looking-glass. Whatever +might have happened, the speech would have been the same, even if we +had returned into harbour with only one ship--and there was a time +when I thought we should hardly be able to do even that. + +_The Marshal._ I wonder what would have happened to him if he had not +been able to deliver the speech at all. + +_The Admiral._ He would have burst himself. + +_The Marshal._ Yes, that is what would have happened to him. + +_The Admiral._ Well, anyhow, the beer is good here. + +_The Marshal._ Oh, yes, the beer is all right. + + * * * * * + +THE ONLY WAY. + +Judkins was the last man in the world one would have expected to meet +in the fashionable costume of the day. To begin with, he was well over +age. And then he was on the quiet side, usually looking for some +odd, old thought which had gone astray, and possessed of one of those +travelling mentalities which take note of all sides of a subject. Yet +there he stood in khaki. + +"The very last man in the world I expected to see like this," I said. +It was quite true. Judkins was the sort who would have attempted +dreamy analyses with the drill-instructor. + +"Don't blame me, old thing," he said with a shade of melancholy. "I +know I am stiff and over age and all that, but the recruiting fellow +said he would willingly overlook a decade. There was nothing else for +it. It was the only way." + +"How do you mean, 'the only way'?" I asked. + +Judkins sighed. + +"It was like this," he explained sadly. "I should have joined up +before, but I have always tried to keep to the truth ever since I was +seven and told a lie, and felt that I was lost. But I gave in at last. +If Lord DERBY looks at my papers he will think I am forty. So I +am, and a bit more. I meant to deceive his lordship, though it went +against the grain. I am sure I don't know what Mr. WALTER LONG +will say if he ever finds out what I have done. I can picture him +exclaiming, 'Here's this man, Private Judkins, declaring he is only +forty, when to my certain knowledge he was born in '66.' + +"I am risking all that because life became insupportable. There was +hardly anybody left I cared about. The one waiter at my favourite +restaurant who didn't breathe down one's neck when he was holding the +vegetables--he had joined; and the person who understood cigars at the +corner shop, he is in it too. The new man doesn't know the difference +between a Murias and a Manilla. It was the same all round. There was +nobody to cut my hair. My barber was forming fours. It is a wonder +to me why the War people have had to hunt the slippers, the chaps who +have held back, for there is very little to tempt one to keep out of +the crowd now. I've joined so as to be with the fellows I know. Don't +go and put it all down to patriotism; it was just sheer loneliness. +The man who sold me my evening paper--you remember him? he had a +squint and used to invest in Spanish lotteries and get me to translate +the letters he received--he is a soldier now; and so is the bootblack +who asked for tips for the races, and the door-keeper at the offices. +They're all wearing khaki, all in; and it wasn't the same world +without them, only a dreary make-believe, and so I decided to deceive +the War Office and join my friends. Every day I am finding the folk +I'd lost. The Corporal with whom I do most business was checktaker +at a theatre I used to frequent--always told me whether the show was +worth the money before I parted. And the life is suiting me fairly +well. Last week's route-march in the rain was a far, far wetter thing +than I had ever done, but----" + +He turned and gravely saluted an officer who was coming up on the +wind.... + +[Illustration: THE TABLES TURNED.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NEWS FOR THE ENEMY. + +_Mrs. Brown._ "HAVE YOU HEARD AS HOW OUR JIM HAS GOT HIS STRIPE?" + +_Mr. Smith._ "HUSH, WOMAN! DON'T YOU SEE THAT NOTICE?"] + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +XLII. + +MY DEAR CHARLES,--No "Tourists' Guide to Northern France" would be +complete without some mention of the picturesque town of A., a point +at which even the most progressive traveller is likely to say that +he's had a very pleasant journey so far, but now thinks of turning +back. It boasts a small but exceedingly well-ventilated cathedral, +many an eligible residence to let, and the relics of what was once +a busy factory, on the few remaining bricks of which you are +particularly requested to "afficher" no "affiches." It is approached +by a railway, prettily overgrown with tall grasses and wild-flowers, +and never made hideous these days by the presence of hustling, smoky +trains. Entering daintily from the back, the tourist will soon find +himself in its main street, devoid of ladies out shopping, but not +without its curious collection of exuberant drain-pipes and recumbent +lamp-posts. It lies, pleasantly dishevelled, in the sun, having the +appearance of the bed of a restless sleeper who has shifted about +somewhat in the night and made many abortive efforts to get up in the +morning. Its streets are decorated with a series of dew ponds, dotted +about with no apparent regard to the convenience of the traffic, and +you may while away many an idle hour trying to discover where the +street ends and the houses begin. You will not be interrupted if you +detach, for your collection of curios, a yard or so of the dislodged +statue of the leading municipal genius, and even the old man at the +barrier of the eastern gate will only attempt to deter you by friendly +advice if you persist in ignoring the notice, "This Road is Unfit for +Vehicular Traffic." I am told that discipline is automatic at this +point; it requires no browbeating military policemen to control the +traffic here. + +The town of A. has given up work. It has also given up trying to look +smart. It still spreads itself over many acres and it has a population +of twenty-five, not including the Town Major. + +Town Majors, of the more permanent sort, are a race apart. Being older +men, who have done their turn in the trenches and are now marked down +for the less actively quarrelsome life, they nevertheless prefer +to live in this sort of place. When a man gets to their age he has +apparently grown too fond of his old friends, the shells, to be parted +from them altogether till he absolutely must; also he likes a row of +houses to himself to live in. A street cannot be so quickly demolished +as to give him no time to select another one, and business can always +be carried on at the one end while structural alterations are taking +place at the other. This fluctuation of town property is a thing to be +reckoned with in his life; and so on his office wall you will find +a list of billets occupied by units, and where you see a blue mark +you'll know the unit has gone, and where you see a red mark, you'll +know the billet has. + +The Town Major of A. is a great friend of mine; fortunately we are +able to reserve our differences of opinion for the telephone, and even +so neither can ever be sure whether the other lost his temper or the +"cutting off" was done elsewhere. When we meet I find him the victim +of so many other troubles that I always spare him more. He is one of +those little old Majors, more like walnuts than anything else--the +hardest, most wrinkled but best filled walnuts. He acts as the medium +between the relentless routine of a high administrative office and +the complex wants of the local warrior. I don't think he has ever yet +decided whether his true sympathies lie with the machine or with the +men. Once I was in his office when a weather-beaten young Subaltern +arrived, requiring fuel for his R.E. Company. He knew of the +whereabouts of just the very thing. True, it was a standing door at +the moment, but no doubt that condition was only temporary. It led +from a room, which was half demolished, into a passage which had +ceased to exist. But the Town Major did not concern himself with this. +An order was an order, and a door was a door, and the order decreeing +that doors should remain, the Subaltern had better get quick. He tried +arguing, but you don't crack a walnut that way. He tried pleading, and +the walnut creaked a little, yet remained whole. "Understand," said +he, very authoritatively, "not only do I forbid you to enter that +house for the purpose you propose, but I have stationed at the front +entrance a picket to prevent you. If you so much as set foot on the +front doorstep he will arrest you and bring you here. I shall know how +to deal with you, Sir." The Subaltern, who had no doubt suffered much, +turned away with a weary sigh; the Town Major ignored his salute, but, +before his complete withdrawal, did happen to mention (so to speak) +that he'd been told there was a _back_ entrance to the house in +question and he had some idea of putting another picket there +to-morrow. + +The Subaltern heard all right, and, from the further and additional +salute he now gave, it appeared that he knew how to deal with that. +The Town Major looked at me, faintly representing for the moment +the machine, and, blushing dismally, bribed me into silence with a +cigarette. Yet here I am telling you all about it! Never mind; the +house and all its entrances and exits have long since disappeared, +and as to the Subaltern himself--who knows? + +On Saturday, June 3rd (that black Saturday which was not quite so +black as it was painted) he received an urgent call, as if he was +a doctor, to attend the oldest and least movable inhabitant in the +acuteness of her distress. Town Majors are good for anything; though +I suppose I oughtn't to mention it, I knew of one who assisted +single-handed at a birth, mother and son both doing well +notwithstanding interim bombardment. They are at anybody's disposal +for any purpose; it is merely a question of first come first served. +He went to the old lady's house; he found her in a paroxysm of tears +over the news of the Naval disaster. For an hour he tried to comfort +her, being limited to the methods of personal magnetism, in the +absence of his interpreter and the scarcity of his French. She refused +to take comfort; it was not sorrow for the gallant dead, but terror of +the atrocious living which moved her. She was mortally afraid, she to +whom salvoes of big guns were now matters of passing inconvenience. +The English Navy had taken a knock; the War was therefore over and we +had lost. There was no hope for any of us, and any moment the Bosch +might be expected on her threshold, arriving presumably from the rear. +The magnificence of the Army of France had been in vain; it was no +use going on at Verdun. She was still weeping spasmodically when the +better news arrived. + +Now, Charles, if that is how a French peasant took the first news, how +do you suppose the German peasants are digesting the second and better +version? + + Yours ever, + HENRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Shivering Tommy (to red-headed pal)._ "'URRY UP, +GINGER, AND DIP YER 'EAD UNDER. IT'LL WARM THE WATER!"] + + * * * * * + + "Athens, Monday.--I learn in a well-informed quarter that the + Allies are expected to communicate to the Greek Government + almost immediately a further Note relative to the restrictions + imposed on Greek sipping." + + _Provincial Paper._ + +At present, we understand, Greek sippers are strictly confined to +Port. + + * * * * * + +THE NEWEST HOPE. + + Dear Betty, in the good old days, + Before this Armageddon stunt, + We floated down still water-ways + Ensconced within a cushioned punt; + With mingled terror and delight + I felt the toils around me closing, + Until one starry moonlit night, + Discreetly veiled from vulgar sight, + I found myself proposing. + + You heard my ravings with a smile, + And then confessed you liked my cheek, + But thought my nose denoted guile + And feared my chin was rather weak; + My character with fiendish glee + You treated to a grim dissection, + Then as a final _jeu d'esprit_ + You cynically offered me + A sisterly affection. + + But now within my faithful heart + New hope has sprung to sudden life; + In fancy (somewhat _a la carte_) + I see you more or less my wife; + The way is found, the path is clear, + The resolution moved and carried-- + If you have pluck enough, my dear, + To risk a rather new career ... + We might be _slightly_ married.[A] + +[Footnote A: In his book, _What is Coming_, Mr. H. G. WELLS sees "a +vision of the slightly-married woman."] + + * * * * * + +In a Good Cause. + +The Veterans' Club, for which the LORD MAYOR is to hold a meeting at +the Mansion House on Thursday, June 22nd, at 3.30, is the nucleus of +a movement to offer the chance of rest and convalescence to those +who have fought and suffered in defence of their country; to secure +suitable employment for those whose service is finished, and friendly +help in the hour of need. The Club at Hand Court, Holborn, has already +welcomed seven thousand men of the Navy and Army to its membership. A +great effort is needed to enlarge this scheme for providing a centre +of reunion and succour for our fighting men from all parts of the +United Kingdom and its Dominions--a scheme which, if generously +supported, should serve as an Imperial Memorial of the nation's +sacrifice. + +Gifts and inquiries should be addressed to the Organising Secretary, +Veterans' Club Association, 1, Adelphi Terrace House, Adelphi, W.C. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Balfour ... revealed that a number of the guns on + monitors came from America and stated that certain of + Churchill's speeches are so faulty that they are unuseable." + + _Montreal Gazette._ + +Mr. BALFOUR may have thought this, but we don't remember his saying +it. + + * * * * * + +LYRA DOMESTICA. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I cordially welcome your efforts to extend the +horizon of Nursery Rhymes. At the same time it has always seemed to me +rather unfair that one room in the house, though I readily acknowledge +its importance, should practically monopolise the attention of our +domestic poets. If Nursery Rhymes, why not Dining-room, Drawing-room +and Kitchen Rhymes? I am convinced that they could be made just as +instructive, didactic and helpful. Hence, to make a beginning, I +venture to submit the following specimens of prudential and cautionary +Dining-room Rhymes. Should they meet with approval I propose to +deal with other apartments in the same spirit, excepting perhaps the +Box-room, which does not seem to me to offer facilities for lyrical +treatment. + +PRELIMINARY. + + If desirous of succeeding + In the noble art of feeding + With dignity and breeding of a Jove, + You will find all information + For your proper education + In the admirable works of Lady GROVE. + +OF PORRIDGE. + + Eat your porridge standing + If you are a Scot; + To be frank it's only rank + Swank if you are not. + +OF THE USE OF THE KNIFE. + + Unless you wish to shorten your life + Don't eat your peas or your cheese with a knife, + Like greedy Jim, who cut his tongue + And died unseasonably young. + +OF DISGUISED DISHES. + + Be alert to scrutinize + Food in unfamiliar guise. + Death may lurk within the pot + If you eat the _papillote_. + +OF THE VIRTUES OF SILENCE. + + Jack and Tom were two pretty boys; + But Jack ate his soup with a horrible noise, + While Tom was a silent eater. + Now Jack is a poor insurance tout, + While Tom drives splendidly about + In a Limousine seven-seater. + +OF A FORBIDDEN WORD. + + No one mentioned in _Debrett_ + Talks about a "serviette." + +OF TIMELY AND UNTIMELY MIRTH. + + Be cheerful at lunch and at dinner, + Be cheerful at five-o'clock tea; + But only a social beginner + At breakfast indulges in glee. + +OF PUNCTUALITY. + + Late for breakfast shows your sense, + Late for luncheon no offence; + Late for well-cooked well-served dinner + Proves you fool as well as sinner. + + With much respect, + I am, dear Mr. Punch, + Yours devotedly, + A. DAMPIER SQUIBB. + + * * * * * + +ARCHIBILL. + +His name was, so to speak, the fine flower of Delia's imagination, +and of mine. Mrs. Mutimer-Sympson gave him to Delia as a war-time +birthday-present, and he was at once acclaimed as "fascinating," which +he may have been, and "lovely," which he certainly was not. His usual +abiding-place was the kitchen, in comfortable proximity to the range, +which he shared with one of his kind or of a lower order; but there +were occasions when he honoured the dining-room with a visit. + +"Though he mustn't come in when we've callers," said Delia: this was +in the early days, when his title and status were as yet nebulous. + +"But why not?" I protested. "William's all right, so long as he's +reasonably clean." + +Delia raised her eyebrows _a la francaise_. + +"William?" + +"William," I repeated firmly. "What else would you call him?" + +"I should have thought," said Delia coldly, "that it would have been +plain, even to the meanest intelligence, that he was Archibald." + +"On the contrary," I retorted, "no sentient being can gaze upon him +without recognizing him as William." + +At this moment the treasure in question, who had been making contented +little purring noises near the fire, was apparently startled by a +falling coal, for he raised his voice in a high note of appeal. + +"Did a nasty man call him out of his name, then!" said Delia, +snatching him up. + +"If you're not careful," I reminded her, "William, will ruin your new +blouse." + +"Of course," said Delia, with an air of trying to be reasonable with +an utterly unreasonable person, "there'd be no objection to his having +a _second_ name." + +"None whatever. 'William Archibald' goes quite well." + +"'Archibald William' goes better. And it's going to be that, or just +plain 'Archibald.'" Delia added defiantly that she wasn't going to +argue, because she wanted her tea, and so did he. + +For the next three days we refrained from argument accordingly, +sometimes calling him one name, sometimes another. The thing ended, +perhaps inevitably, in a compromise. He became "Archibill." + +It was curious how the charms of Archibill grew upon us--how his +personality developed under Delia's care. She insisted that he +recognized her step, and that the piercingly shrill cry he gave was +for her ear alone. Perhaps it was so--women have more subtle powers +of perception than men. There was real pathos in their first parting, +which came when an inconsiderate grand-aunt in Scotland, knowing +nothing of Archibill's claims, made Delia promise to pay her a +ten-days' visit. + +"You mustn't mind Missis being away, old boy," Delia told him, +"because she'll be coming back soon. And, although Master's going +to stay with his sister, you won't be lonely. There's a nice kind +charlady who'll look in every day to make sure that you haven't been +stolen by horrid tramps, and that the silver spoons are safe." Yet, +from what she has told me since, I know that her spirits were heavy +with foreboding when she left by the 11.23 from Euston. + +We returned, later than we expected, together. The nice kind charlady +had done her work for the day, and left, but a fire burned cheerfully +in the dining-room and the table was laid for tea. + +"And where," demanded Delia, "is Archibill?" + +Even as she spoke she sped into the kitchen. A moment later I heard a +cry, and followed. + +"Look!" said Delia. + +He lay near the range, a wrecked and worn-out shadow of his former +self, incapable of even a sigh. Tenderly she lifted him. + +"It's just neglect," she said. "Why did I leave him! Something always +happens when one leaves such treasures as Archibill." + +"It mayn't be too late to do something," I said; "I'll run down with +him to Gramshaw's after tea." + +"_After_ tea!" echoed Delia reproachfully. I went at once. + +A fortnight has passed since then. Once more Archibill makes cheerful +murmuring noises on the hearth. He looks, I fancy, older; otherwise +there is little change to record. + +Yesterday morning I received Gramshaw's bill: "_To putting new Bottom +to patent Whistling Kettle, and repairing Spout_--L0 2_s._ 9_d._" + +Delia says it's worth twenty two-and-ninepences to listen to Archibill +calling her when he boils. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FAR-REACHING EFFECT OF THE RUSSIAN PUSH.] + + * * * * * + +CONSOLATIONS. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--In order to guard against the snares of a too facile +optimism I have made a point ever since the War began of taking all +my information solely from German sources, as I have a feeling somehow +that they may be confidently relied upon not to err upon the side of +underrating their own success. But, having started with this handicap, +I consider that I am the more justified in looking upon the bright +side of things whenever possible. I am writing to you to-day to point +out a very important aspect of the many recent German victories which +seems to have been overlooked. It is full of promise of an early +termination of the War. + +I wish to analyse the ingredients of the German Celebration Days, +which have followed each other with such bewildering rapidity of late. +As far as I can gather, the whole nation has turned out to celebrate +the fall of Verdun (in the first week of March), which was the key to +Paris; the advance in the Trentino, which was the key to Rome; and the +destruction of the British Fleet, which was the key to London, along +with the going out of the electric spark of the British nimbus and all +that. Meanwhile certain cities and districts--the thing seems to move +round from one to another--have celebrated in force the various times +that the Mort Homme was captured (while it was still held by the +French), the great diplomatic victory over America, the success of the +last War Loan and countless other triumphs. The thing has been going +on ever since the sinking of the _Tiger_ eighteen months ago. + +Now, Sir, there are five main ingredients in these +celebrations--flags, the ringing of bells, the distribution of iron +crosses, fireworks, and school holidays. The efficient organisation of +civilian _morale_ demands them all. Let us look into these. + +First, let us take the widest view and look forward to the contest for +supremacy that will follow the War. What is it that we have to fear? +Why, German education. They have often told us so. Yet the very +magnitude of their present successes is robbing their chief weapon of +its edge. It is not too much to say that, should the summer campaign +follow the lines expected of it, bringing victory on every front, +education will come to a standstill owing to the rapid succession of +school holidays. Already parents are complaining that their children +think it hardly worth while to turn up at school until they have had +a look at the paper to see if there is anything much going on, and +patriotic truants are always able to point to the capture of a battery +or the sinking of a ship as justification for taking the day off. +Should the War be prolonged we have to face the fact that we may have +to do with a Germany in which the rising generation can neither read +nor write. + +But in a far more immediate sense the great number of German victories +is sapping the very sources of German power. I ask you, first of all, +what are these flags made of? They are made of _cotton_; and more +than that, they are rapidly wearing out. Much flapping in all +weathers--victories have too often been allowed to occur in bad +weather--has torn them to ribbons. The situation is serious: reserves +are exhausted, and an attempt to introduce flag-cards has met with no +support. + +Then let us consider fireworks. Is it not clear that the supply cannot +be maintained without a steady munitionment of high explosives, more +especially in the case of rockets? + +I need not labour the fact, which is sufficiently ominous, that iron +crosses are made of iron, but I may point out that this expenditure +cannot be made good by drawing upon the belfries, as the necessity for +periodical bell-ringing has immobilized the bells. + +These facts should be more widely known. They have given me much +comfort. Even the deplorable loss of the _Warspite_--the vast, latest +hyper-super-Dreadnought of the Fleet and the pillar and the key, as I +learn from my authorities--cannot wholly depress me. For well I know +the dilemma that confronts our enemies, and that neither by victory +nor defeat can they escape their doom. + + I am, dear Mr. Punch, + + Yours as usual, STATISTICIAN. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tommy._ "RATS, MUM? I SHOULD SAY THERE WAS--AND +WHOPPERS! WHY, LOR' BLESS YER, ONLY THE DAY AFORE I GOT KNOCKED OUT I +CAUGHT ONE OF 'EM TRYING ON MY GREAT-COAT!"] + + * * * * * + +Saving their Bacon. + + "THE GERMAN DESTROYERS RETIRE TO PORK." + + _Provincial Paper._ + + + * * * * * + + "ST. AUGUSTINE'S SALE OF WORK.--This important annual + event takes place in the Rectory grounds on June 14th, and + everything indicates a successful day, if Father Neptune + only smiles on the efforts now being put forward."--_Penarth + Times._ + +We hope Uncle Ph[oe]bus will not be jealous. + + * * * * * + +A CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOR. + + 'Tis sad to read of these young lives + Poured out to please a tyrant's whim; + My manly soul within me strives + To burst its bonds and have at him. + But peace, my soul! we must be strong, + For conscience whispers, "War is wrong." + + Poor lads! Poor lads! Their duty calls; + _Their_ duty calls--no more they know; + No fear of death their faith appals; + All the clear summons hear, and go. + 'Tis right, of course, they should; but I-- + I serve a duty still more high. + + And yet not all. Some few, I fear, + In this their country's hour of need + Keep undemonstratively clear, + Or, if they're called, exemption plead. + For these--no conscience-clause have they-- + Conscription is the thing, I say. + + But worse than these, who simply shirk, + Are those employed to fashion arms, + Who tempt their fellows not to work, + And give us all such grave alarms-- + Traitors! If their deserts they got + They would be either hanged or shot. + + The wind blows shrewdly here to-night, + My heart bleeds, as I think, perchance, + How numbed with cold our heroes fight; + How chill those trenches, there in France. + The thought unmans me. Ere I weep, + I'll drink my gruel--and to sleep. + + * * * * * + +An officer in Egypt writes:-- + + "Cairo is a gay city, at least so they say. The chief hotels + put up boards showing the amusements to be enjoyed. A sample + of an eventful week follows:-- + + 'COMING EVENTS. + + MONDAY. + TUESDAY. + WEDNESDAY. + THURSDAY. + FRIDAY. Museum will not open. + SATURDAY. + SUNDAY. + + ----, _Manager_, ---- _Hotel_.'" + + + * * * * * + + "A very interesting cricket-match took place at Ghain Tuffieha + on Wednesday last, 24th inst., when eleven Nursing Sisters + played eleven officers. The game throughout was very keen and + the Sisters have nothing to learn from the Officers in the way + of wicket-keeping, batting and yielding." + + _Daily Malta Chronicle._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SHADOW ON THE WALL.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Job's Comforter._ "IF THEY KEEP ON STOPPING YOUR LEAVE +LIKE THIS YOU'LL NEVER SEE YOUR NEW KID TILL THE WAR'S OVER." + +_Job._ "OH, YES, I EXPECT I SHALL. HE'LL BE COMING OUT HERE IN 1934."] + + * * * * * + +A SOLUTION. + +Among the many Government changes that are imminent it is to be hoped +that the PRIME MINISTER will appoint someone to an office of the +highest importance for the well-being of the Cabinet in the public +eye. Far too long has the man-in-the-street been encouraged in an +attitude of scorn for the efforts of the Twenty-three. It is not +suggested that the new official shall be added to that mystic number +and bring it up to twice-times-twelve, or four-times-six, or even +three-times-eight. There is no need for him to have Cabinet rank, but +he must be permitted some inside knowledge or his labours will not +be fully fruitful. Only by such labours can the Twenty-three +really expect a fair reputation. As it is, everyone is more or less +suspicious of them, led by the papers in their self-imposed sacred +task of leaders or leader-writers of the Opposition; while the +music-halls are of course frankly against any but a purely Tory +Government, as they have always been, and so whole-heartedly and +superior to detail that even to this day at one of the leading variety +houses of London a topical song is being sung and loudly applauded +in which Mr. ASQUITH is still taunted with his inability to come to +a decision about conscription. The fact that the conscription problem +was long since settled is immaterial to these loud-lunged patriots. +Any stick is good for such a dog. True there has of late been rather +less venom in certain of the anti-Premier papers, which now substitute +for their ancient scoldings a bland omniscience and kindliness in +their reminders of the obvious, but none the less contrive still to +insert the knife and even to give it a furtive twist. + +The fact then remains that what the Government need is a friend, +a trumpeter, a fugle-man, a pointer-out of merits, a signaller of +This-way-to-the-virtues, in short, a Callisthenes. They should take a +lesson from the self-sacrificing zeal of that other Callisthenes who +serves a certain London emporium so faithfully, awaking every morning +to a new and rapturous vision of its excellence, which nothing can +stop the discoverer at once putting into words for the evening papers. +Such _trouvailles_ must not be kept for private use; all the world +must know. How it is that editors are so complacent in printing these +rhapsodies, which, truth to tell, are sometimes very like each other, +no one knows; but there it is. They see the light, and everyone +rejoices to think that in a country which has been a good deal blown +upon there is, at any rate, one perfect thing. + +Why should there be two? + +There could be if the Government would appoint a Callisthenes of their +own and set the eager pen similarly to work. Then every day we should +be assured of the extraordinary vigour and vitality of our rulers. +Doubt would vanish and the nation would blossom as the rose. For if +all editors are so ready to print the present-day eulogies of the +emporium, how much readier should they be to print to-morrow's +eulogies of the Empire! + +One can see the new Callisthenes inspiring confidence and heartening +the public with some such words as these; for of course the new one +should, if possible, be modelled on the old--it might even be (daring +thought!) the same:-- + + THE PERSONAL TOUCH. + + About all kinds of paid service there must be a _certain_ + monotony; such service implies something that one does for + other people over and over again. But though action may + become, in time, almost automatic, _thought_ need never lose + its volition. And it is one's thought or attitude of mind that + counts. + + The service at the Firm of ASQUITH & Co., is, I think, so good + because Ministers are encouraged tremendously to give their + work the _personal touch_. They are not afraid to give their + individuality full rein, to let it inform their particular + jobs, so that each one is enlivened thereby. + + If you knew the Cabinet as well as I do, you would appreciate + the fact that it is remarkable for the number of distinct + personalities among its members--men of marked character and + distinction, who are known not only throughout the House, but + to a great many members of the London Public as well. + + They stand out among their fellow-workers because their + service _is distinguished_. It is not necessarily that their + abilities are so especially superior, excellent though they + may be. _It is that all they do is infused with character._ + Their voices have _timbre_; they don't drawl. Their manners + are good. They carry out the smallest transaction as though + it held infinite interest for themselves as well as you. They + never for a moment allow their intelligence to sag. They give + to their least varying work that personal touch which is so + transforming. + + The Firm of ASQUITH thoroughly appreciates their worth, and + openly rejoices in the prestige these _star workers_ attach + to themselves. It would have every member of the Staff do + likewise--act not merely as a minister, but as a very definite + and valued personality. + + For that is service as it should be in a modern Government, as + spontaneous to-day as it was servile yesterday--_intelligent, + forceful and gay_. + + Example is the greatest factor in its fine development. The + Cabinet Minister, however young, who can answer every query + with a pretty deference, put off an Irish Member with good + effect, who in checking your ill-advised inquisitiveness seems + to welcome you--such a one receives as much and more, every + time, as he gives. He gets smiles, thanks, even deference in + return, and very often friendship. His companions notice that. + They see how his buoyancy never flags, because it is all the + while met with response, stimulated, liked. And the habit of + success is very catching. _Voila tout!_ + + ASQUITH & CO., LTD. + + +Had the Cabinet such a watchful and industrious exponent and commender +as Callisthenes, never wearying, except possibly on Sunday, its +success would be certain. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WITH AMATEUR THEATRICALS AT THE FRONT AND WAR-WORK AT +HOME, THE EXCHANGED SOUVENIRS ARE IN STARTLING CONTRAST TO THOSE OF +1840.] + + * * * * * + + "ACCORDIONS.--Sale or exchange, Busson's beautiful flutina, 23 + white piano keys, 15 black, portable, light to carry, nice for + open air; large ass wanted."--_Exchange and Mart._ + +We are not sure that the last phrase is quite the right one for +attracting a purchaser. + + * * * * * + +Our Economical Army. + + "In one hospital there is a complete tin-smith's shop running + full blast. There empty biscuit-tins are remade into tin + plates, pans and drinking-cups. Even the soldier is melted + down and used a second time." + + _Darling Downs Gazette (Queensland)._ + + * * * * * + + "FARRIERS.--Wanted, a good doorman; quiet job, 7 or 8 days a + week." + + _Daily Chronicle._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Visitor._ "WE'RE HAVING A MOTHERS' SALE OF WORK ON +SATURDAY. WILL YOU COME AND BRING YOUR HUSBAND?" + +_Wife of Wounded Soldier._ "THANKS SO MUCH. WE'D LOVE TO, BUT THE +DOCTOR WAS MOST EMPHATIC IN WARNING MY HUSBAND TO AVOID ANY FORM OF +EXCITEMENT."] + + * * * * * + +CONCERT TICKETS. + +I'm beginning to think that Petherton has taken a dislike to me, and +it is not at all pleasant in a more or less country retreat to be on +bad terms with a neighbour. + +It is especially trying, when one has made every endeavour to be +friendly, to meet with a chilling response. I'm sure I have written +him some very genial letters on matters which less good-tempered +individuals than I might have taken more seriously. + +The Annual Concert in the village, a great event in local circles, +has been another cause of unnecessary friction between Petherton and +myself. + +As one of the older residents and knowing most of the people here, I +am usually consulted as to the programme, sale of tickets and other +details of the concert, and my house is often used for rehearsing the +solos, part songs and choruses which are rendered by the local Carusos +and Melbas. + +Our passage of arms was over the tickets. We who are on the Committee +are supplied with so many tickets each, which we endeavour to sell. +I sent two to Petherton, half-crown ones. I forgot to enclose the +printed notice that usually accompanies them, but evidently he +recognised my handwriting on the envelope, and sent the tickets back. +He wrote a letter with them:-- + + SIR,--I received the enclosed, presumably from you, because + the almost illegible scrawl on the envelope was yours + without a doubt. Why you should try to bribe me with five + shillings-worth of tickets for the Annual Concert I cannot + conceive. Perhaps you are going to sing at it and are anxious + that I should come to hear you. I shall deny myself that + pleasure. I hear quite enough of you in the afternoons (this, + no doubt, referred to the rehearsals). Should I change my + mind, which is unlikely, I am quite able to purchase tickets. + +I replied:-- + + DEAR MR. PETHERTON,--I am beginning my letter, as you see, in + the formal way, but from your opening move I foresee that a + more affectionate tone will supervene before we are through + with the matter in hand. This will be in accordance with + the immemorial custom that has prevailed in the delightful + intercourse between us on various subjects. Now, as to the + Concert. My suggestion, mutely expressed through a little + forgetfulness on my part, missed fire. If this isn't expressed + clearly I mean I hoped you would understand that I sent the + tickets because I hoped that you would buy them. Or, to put + the matter very plainly, I sent you two tickets. Have you + 5_s._ that's doing nothing? If so, send it me for goodness' + sake, and keep the tickets, which I'm sending back in this. + If the 5_s._ is busy with the War Loan, don't disturb it of + course, but send me the tickets back, or sell them to somebody + else. I think that's all clear, so now we'll get on to the + next point. I don't sing--outside a church. I fancy + it's Wright, the blacksmith, a fine upstanding bass with + full-throated movement, that you can hear. He leaves his + spreading chestnut-tree on Wednesdays and Fridays for + rehearsals in my drawing-room, and it's difficult to keep his + voice from straying over into your premises, even with the + windows shut. I'm sorry if he annoys you, but, anyway, as the + Concert takes place next Wednesday, he won't worry you much + longer. I hope you will come in your group. I can send you + more tickets if you need them. + + Yours faithfully, + H. J. FORDYCE. + +I hope your hens are fruit-bearing. Eggs are a terrible price just +now, aren't they? + +The tickets came back next day with a curt note:-- + + Mr. Petherton begs to return the concert tickets and requests + that Mr. Fordyce will not send them back again, as otherwise + Mr. Petherton will not hold himself responsible in the event + of their being lost or destroyed. + +So I wrote again:-- + + DEAR PETHERTON,--How perfectly splendid! Everything has worked + out beautifully up till now. Your first note was pitched in + just the proper key, and now comes your second, a perfect + gem in its way. Your style reminds me more than ever of + CHESTERFIELD, to whom a chair was a chair and nothing more, + but a couch was an inspiration. I enclose two yellow tickets + this time. Perhaps you didn't like the others. Some people + don't care for pink tickets. These jolly little yellow chaps + are only 1_s._ each, a consideration in these hard times. + + Yours very sincerely, + HARRY FORDYCE. + + P.S.--We have a job line of green tickets at 6_d._ each to + clear. Perhaps you would care to look at some. We are selling + quite a lot of them this year. + +Petherton's reply to this was an envelope containing the fragments +of two yellow tickets and a sheet of notepaper inscribed "With Mr. +Frederick Petherton's compliments." + +As the tickets would have to be accounted for, of course there was +nothing for it but to send him a bill, so I sent him one:-- + + F. PETHERTON, Esq., + + _In a/c with the Purbury Concert Committee._ + + To 2 tickets in yellow cardboard, 3 in. by 2-1/2 in., printed in + black, with embellishments, the whole giving right of entry to + the Purbury Annual Concert to be held on June 28, 1916 ... 2_s._ + + Your kind attention will oblige. + +To this Petherton made no reply, so after a few days I bought the +tickets for (and from) myself, and wrote to Petherton:-- + + DEAR FREDDY,--You will be glad to hear that I have found + someone to take your yellow tickets off my hands at the full + market price. Sorry to find that the War has hit you so badly. + Certainly two bob is two bob, as you apparently wish me to + infer. However it is a blessing to know that the Tommies will + get the extra cigarettes, isn't it? It's a pity you won't be + at the concert. Your cheery presence will be greatly missed, + especially by + + Your old pal, + HARRY. + + +The reply I received:-- + + Who the devil said I shouldn't be at the concert? I bought a + dozen pink tickets from the Vicar as soon as I heard you were + not going to perform. + + FREDERICK PETHERTON. + + +It seems evident that Petherton has taken a dislike to me for some +reason or other. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Doctor (to wounded soldier who is on "low diet")._ "IS +THERE ANYTHING YOU WANT, MY LAD?" + +_Irishman._ "OCH, DOCTOR, IF YE'D BE GIVIN' ME A NICE FAT GOOSE FOR ME +DINNER, NOW?" + +_Doctor._ "AH, AND I SUPPOSE YOU'D LIKE IT STUFFED WITH SOMETHING +SPECIAL, EH?" + +_Irishman._ "INDEED AND I WOULD. I'D LIKE IT STUFFED WITH ANOTHER +WAN!"] + + * * * * * + +"Latet Anguis in Herba." + + "ROCK PLANTS in pots; 12 different, 2s. 6d. Cobra, rapid + growing Climber, 4d. and 6d. each.--Horticultural School, + Swaythling." + + _Provincial Paper._ + +Our gardening friends tell us that _Cobaea scandeus_ is much safer as a +horticultural pet. + + * * * * * + +From a description of a mine explosion under the German trenches:-- + + "Tons of earth were flung hundreds of feet high, carrying away + trenches, dugouts and handbags."--_Baltimore Paper._ + +The American correspondent who sends us the cutting says, "I am glad +to see that the Hun is losing his grip." + + * * * * * + +THE BOOKLOVER. + + By Charing Cross in London Town + There runs a road of high renown, + Where antique books are ranged on shelves + As dark and dusty as themselves. + + And many booklovers have spent + Their substance there with great content, + And vexed their wives and filled their homes + With faded prints and massive tomes. + + And ere I sailed to fight in France + There did I often woo Romance, + Searching for jewels in the dross, + Along the road to Charing Cross. + + But booksellers and men of taste + Have fled the towns the Hun laid waste, + And within Ypres Cathedral square + I sought but found no bookshops there. + + What little hope have books to dwell + 'Twixt Flemish mud and German shell? + Yet have I still upon my back, + Hid safely in my haversack, + + A tattered Horace, printed fine + (Anchor and Fish, the printer's sign), + Of sage advice, of classic wit; + Much wisdom have I gained from it. + + And should I suffer sad mischance + When Summer brings the Great Advance, + I pray no cultured Bosch may bag + My Aldus print to swell his swag. + + Yet would I rather ask of Fate + So to consider my estate, + That I may live to loiter down + By Charing Cross in London Town. + + * * * * * + +The Reward of "Frightfulness." + + "Amsterdam, Sunday.--Admiral von Tirpitz has been offered the + degree of doctor hororis."--_Provincial Paper._ + + * * * * * + +Taking it Badly. + + "AUSTRIAN DEFENCES GRUMBLING BEFORE THE RUSSIANS." + + _Scotch Paper._ + + * * * * * + +"What is Port?" asks an evening paper. According to Admiral VON SCHEER +it is "A very present help in time of trouble." + + * * * * * + +The Chameleon. + +From a feuilleton:-- + + "The black sheep had flushed crimson, but the hot colour soon + died down leaving him very pale."--_The Daily Mirror._ + + * * * * * + + "Experienced nurses wanted immediately; temporary L1 to 15_s._ + weekly. Also excellent situations for ladies' first babies, + L40 to L28." + + _Daily Paper._ + +The demand for juvenile labour is surely being overdone. + + * * * * * + +RUIN O' ENGLAND. + +(_At "The Plough and Horses."_) + +"Upper classes be stirrin' o' theirselves to rights now, seemin'ly." + +"'Ow be you meanin', George?" + +"Squire be by my place 'tother day when I be 'avin' a bit o' quiet +pipe by my gate, same as you might be, Luther Cherriman, an' 'e +stops--which 'e ain't been in the 'abit o' doin'--an' 'e says, ''Ullo, +George,' 'e says, 'bain't you the man as allus used to keep a pig +ereabouts?' An' I answers 'im as I cert'nly did use to keep a pig +pretty constant when food-stuffs was cheaper than what they be now." + +"What's 'e say to that, George?" + +"'E says, 'My good man, if you was a bit more thrifty like, an' wasn't +above collectin' 'ouse'old scraps,' 'e says, 'an', moreover, if you +wasn't so blamed penny wise an' poun' foolish,' 'e says, 'you'd be +keepin' y'r pigs--breedin' of 'em--now, when you could get biggest +price for 'em. You'd be doin' o' y'rself a good turn an' settin' +a 'xample to y'r neighbours,' 'e says, 'as they badly needs. Well, +any'ow, think it over,' 'e says--an' away 'e goes." + +"You been thinkin' it over, George?" + +"In a manner o' speakin' I be thinkin' it over now, this very minute. +In a manner o' speakin' I were thinkin' it over when I goes up to the +Court over a bit o' business yesterday. 'Owever, I were really doin' +no more 'n airin' my mind, as you might say, to the Cook--a decent +'nough young woman. I 'adn't no idea o' nothin' more." + +"What you say to 'er, then?" + +"I were lookin' at a bit of a lawn they 'as up there to the left o' +their back-door. Middlin' poor bit o' lawn it be, not like them in +front, an' I says of it what I've often said afore. 'Too much lawn +to this 'ere 'ouse,' I says, 'to please me. Ruin o' England,' I says, +'lawns do be. Orter be dug up,' I says. 'Sow a matter o' fower bushels +o' taters,' I says, 'on that poor little bit 'lone. Don't like t' see +all this waste o' groun',' I says, 'an' us at war.'" + +"What did Cook say to that? Some'at saucy, I be bound." + +"'You be very practical, George,' she says, 'but food ain't +everything, even in times o' war. You did ought to have seen wounded +soldiers,' she says, 'settin' 'bout on all these 'ere lawns last +summer time, like a lot o' bluebottles, 'joyin' o' theirselves to +rights,' she says. 'An' 'ow could they a-done it, poor chaps,' she +says, 'if we'd 'ad nothin' but an ol' tater patch to offer 'em?'" + +"You'd got y'r answer to that, I dessay." + +"I 'ad. 'They soldier chaps could very well 'ave sat on the paths,' I +says--for the paths be wasteful wide to my thinkin'. 'A bit of a bench +or a chair or so, an' they'd 'ave been right as rain, with some'at +to look at as was sensible, too. A close-cut lawn ain't no manner o' +interest to a thinkin' man, not like a medder or a few rows o' good +early taters be.'" + +"What did Cook say to that 'ere?" + +"She laughs, an' she says, 'You be done courtin' then, George, I can +see. You ain't got no thought of a second wife, seemin'ly.' ''Ow d' +you know that?' I asks; an' she laughs again an' says she knows, 'cos +if 'twasn't so I'd like the thought of a bit o' lawn to sit out on +warm evenings an' such. An' then she says, 'You think too much o' y'r +stomach, George'--which fair rattled me." + +"What you say?" + +"I says again, 'They lawns be the ruin o' England, I tell ye'--an' +then I see 'er start an' go red 's a poppy, an' then she sort o' +plunges in at 'er door. An' then I looks round for first time an' I +sees Squire standin' there, 'earin' all as 'ad been said, an' for the +moment I'd 'ave been glad 'nough for a back-door too--so I would." + +"Lord-a-mercy, George, you're a rare-un for puttin' y'r foot in it wi' +gentry! What to gracious did 'e make o' it?" + +"'E sort o' smiled--but crooked like. An' then 'e says, 'No but what +you're right, George'--which were 'bout 'undred miles from what I +'spected 'im to say. 'Look 'ere,' 'e goes on, 'I'll make a bargain wi' +ye. You send me up 'alf-a-bushel o' seed potatoes,' 'e says, 'to start +on, an' I'll send you a young sow out o' the last litter. What d' you +say?'" + +"What did ye say?" + +"I says, 'Thank ye kindly, Sir. An' if I've done my bit to save +England from ruin I be fine an' glad.' And so I be." + + * * * * * + +More Tampering with the Calendar. + + "Among the objections to flag days is that they have detracted + from the novelty of Alexandra Rose Day, which this year is + being held on June 31."--_Daily Paper._ + +This attempt to shove Alexandra Day right off the calendar, has, we +are glad to say, been unsuccessful; and to-day, June 21st, sees roses, +roses all the way as usual. + + * * * * * + +From a concert programme:-- + + "BALLET. (for which Miss Gladys Groom + has won the Challenge Cub in + connection with Lady Rachel + Byng's Olympic Game Tests) + + SONG. 'Show us how to do the Fox Trot' + (Miss Ruby Groom and chorus)." + +It seems to us that Miss GLADYS'S reward would have been more +appropriate to Miss RUBY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GIVEN AWAY. + +_Boy._ "MOTHER, WE OUGHTN'T TO BE IN THIS CARRIAGE, OUGHT WE? IT'S +FIRST-CLASS." + +_Mother._ "OH, DARLING, YOU MEAN WE OUGHT TO BE ECONOMISING IN +WAR-TIME?" + +_Boy._ "BUT, MOTHER, WE _ARE_ ECONOMISING, AREN'T WE? WE'VE ONLY GOT +THIRD-CLASS TICKETS."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +There is no doubt that one of the greatest pieces of luck that has +come the way of the Empire is LOUIS BOTHA. Mr. HAROLD SPENDER'S +legitimately uncritical biography, _General Botha: The Career and the +Man_ (CONSTABLE), fills in the details of the romance; and astonishing +details they are. BOTHA, the anti-Krugerite, one of the seven in the +Volksraad who voted against the fateful ultimatum in October, 1899, +threw himself, when war was unavoidable, with all his energy into the +task of his country's defence. Rapidly proving himself, he succeeded +his sick chief, JOUBERT, with at first, and luckily for us, a +mitigated authority. Here was no mere slim guerilla playing little +disconcerting tricks on a clumsy enemy, but a general to respect, +as BULLER found at Colenso and BENSON at Bakenlaagte. And his staff +college was just his own occiput. When the inevitable end came, +long delayed by his and his brother-generals' skill and courage, he +laboured for a lasting peace, and took a line of steady fealty to the +ideal of British citizenship, which he has unfalteringly pursued to +this day. It is good, by the way, to recall the admirable and patient +diplomacy, at and after Vereeniging, of Lord KITCHENER, who was the +chief pleader for generous concessions to the gallant beaten enemy--an +attitude BOTHA never forgot. BOTHA is indeed the pilot of modern +South Africa--the first Premier of the Transvaal after the gift of +responsible government, the first Premier of the Union after the +federation of the four states. To him has fallen the honour (and the +task) of crushing the rebellion, wherein he had the supreme wisdom to +throw the burden upon the loyal Dutch in order not to risk reopening +racial bitterness by using British elements against the rebels. He has +entered Windhuk a conqueror. May his old luck follow him in the still +difficult days of the youngest of the Dominions! I've forgotten Mr. +SPENDER'S book. But of course this is all out of it. And there's +plenty more good stuff in it. + + * * * * * + +I have for some time now had my prophetic eye upon Mr. J. C. SNAITH +as a writer from whom uncommon things were to be looked for. So it +has pleased me to find this belief entirely justified by _The Sailor_ +(SMITH, ELDER), which is as good and absorbing a tale as anything +I have encountered this great while. It is the life-history of one +_Henry Harper_ that Mr. SNAITH sets out to tell; incidentally it is +also the record of the development of a popular novelist out of a slum +child, through such seemingly unpromising stages as tramp-sailor and +professional footballer. There is a strength and (to use the most +fitting term) a punch about the telling of it that carries the reader +forward quite irresistibly. Moreover, like all histories of expanding +fortune, it is cheery reading for that sake alone. Personally, I think +I liked most the football section. I knew from _Willow the King_ that +Mr. SNAITH knew all about cricket; for his football mastery I was +unprepared. There is a fresh poignancy in Mr. SNAITH'S handling of +professional sport in its most frankly gladiatorial aspect that gives +one a new sympathy with the young giants who are now mostly engaged +Delia raised her eyebrows contest. What I liked least about the book +were the _Sailor's_ two matrimonial adventures. His entrapment by the +detestable _Cora_ is so painful that perhaps I was glad to think it +also slightly incredible. Even the lady whose hand is his ultimate +great reward failed to rouse me to any enthusiasm. But the _Sailor_ +himself is so human and likeable a figure that he perhaps absorbed my +interest to the exclusion of the other characters, which I hope is as +Mr. SNAITH intended it. + +In _Verdun to the Vosges_ (ARNOLD) MR. GERALD CAMPBELL has paid a +generous tribute to the indomitable courage of our French Allies. +His position as Special Correspondent of _The Times_ gave him +opportunities--strictly limited, of course, but unique--of recording +in particular the earlier phases of the War on the fortress frontier +of France; and he has produced a volume which shows no trace of +civilian authorship, except in those qualities which confess the art +of a trained writer. Never obtruding his own personality, he gives +us here and there a glimpse of privileged experiences and happy +relationships with the French authorities, civil and military, +notably the Prefet of Meurthe et Moselle, whose letter to the author, +published as an epilogue, is a document of astounding force and +eloquence. If I have a complaint to make it is that in a serious +history--the kind that you must follow very closely on the map--Mr. +CAMPBELL should have spent so much time on general reflections and +homilies which might just as well have been compose in Fleet Street or +the salient of Ypres. And it is perhaps a pity that, where his subject +gave him no chance of dealing with his own country's share in the War, +he should have exposed at considerable length certain defects in the +English character which delayed the adoption of national service. It +is true that universal compulsion had not been adopted at the time +when Mr. CAMPBELL was writing, and it is certain that no one who +knows the good work he has done in helping the two nations to a better +understanding of one another will question his motives; but I think +that these reflections upon England, very English in their candour, +have no proper place in a history of the achievements of France; and +I hope that they may be cut out of the French translation which +is shortly to appear. For the rest (and a good big rest) it is an +enthralling book; and if I were a Frenchman I should read it with a +very great pride. Even as it is, and notwithstanding what I have said, +I am proud enough that an Englishman should have written it. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PAINFUL PREDICAMENT OF MNEMO, THE WORLD-FAMED +MEMORISER, WHO, AFTER A HARD DAY AT A MATINEE AND TWO EVENING +PERFORMANCES, FORGETS THE NAME AND NUMBER OF HIS HOUSE.] + + * * * * * + +_The Scratch Pack_ (HUTCHINSON) is another of those jovial, out-door +stories, for which Miss DOROTHEA CONYERS has already endeared herself +to a considerable public. As before, her scene is Ireland. It is +somewhere on the south coast of that emotional island that a maiden +called _Gheena Freyne_ determines, in the war-absence of the local +M.F.H., to do her bit by dealing faithfully with the foxes, who +are rather above themselves through neglect. So she, and one _Darby +Dillon_, who is crippled and unable to do anything but ride (and adore +_Gheena_), get together a very scratch pack of the farmers' foot-dogs. +What sport results, and how buoyantly it is told, those with +experience of Miss CONYERS' vigorous gifts can easily imagine. There +is however another thread to the story. A second suitor pervades the +scene, one _Basil Stafford_, who, though hale and vigorous, persists, +even under white-feather provocation, in an attitude of taciturn +reserve about the War. Also he takes mysterious walks at night on the +cliffs, somewhere off which a German submarine is said to be hiding, +_Gheena_ accordingly suspects him of being (i) a shirker, (ii) a spy. +Apparently, as far as young ladies on the South coast of Ireland are +concerned, Messrs. VEDRENNE and EADIE have simply lived in vain. The +more sophisticated reader, while not sharing _Gheena's_ astonishment +at the climax, will none the less enjoy some pleasant thrills that +lead up to it. In short _The Scratch Pack_ can show you an excellent +day's sport. + + * * * * * + +I suppose we owe our grotesquely insular ignorance of the Art of +Russia (other than music) to the fact that hitherto no one has been +so enterprising as ROSA NEWMARCH. In _The Russian Arts_ (JENKINS), she +sets out to give us a brief history of painting in Russia, from the +ikon to the Futurist diagram, with a preamble on architecture and a +postscript on sculpture. It is indeed a dismal thing to be brought +to realise, even from quite inadequate illustrations in monochrome +half-tone, that one does not know anything of such artists as REPIN +and NESTEROF--to take but two widely differing types of a notable +family. Art, such triumphant art, say, as the ballet with the gorgeous +scenic accessories that we know, does not spring into being +without ancestry, and this book gives us some notes on artistic +pedigree--enough perhaps to save us from abject shame when, after this +war, we sit at dinner next some knowledgeable Russian guest.... And +this is likely often to happen. It is odd that Mrs. NEWMARCH seems to +be interested in the literary rather than the graphic content of the +pictures she describes--odd because she seems to know the painter's +creed. + + * * * * * + +An Impending Apology. + +Extract from a soldier's letter recently received by the wife of a +distinguished retired officer:-- + + "Please tell Colonel W---- I was asking for him. Tell him this + is a rough war, not the same as in his time. It is all brains + now, and machinery." + + * * * * * + +Extract from _The Seamanship Manual_, vol. ii., chap, vii., +"Disembarking Troops":-- + + "This method is satisfactory for horses, mules, or cattle, but + does not answer with the camel. The latter, if not drowned on + the way ashore, is very little use when landed." + +This disparaging remark about the "ship of the desert" is +attributable, we fear, to professional jealousy. + + * * * * * + + "The impression I carried away was that the Kiel Canal was a + splendid bit of engineering, and that in case of war it would + be invaluable, not only as a refuge for the German Fleet, but + also as a quick means of getting the Kiel squadron quickly + into the North Sea, or _vice versa_."--_Sunday Chronicle._ + +The British Fleet has proved even better than the Kiel Canal as a +quick means of accomplishing the vice-versa operation. + + * * * * * + + "The last sale of home mad cooking will take place on + Saturday." + + _Avonlea Advocate (Saskatchewan)._ + +If only it were the last! + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +150, June 21st, 1916, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 38899.txt or 38899.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/8/8/9/38899/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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