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diff --git a/old/jj04b10.txt b/old/jj04b10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..96116be --- /dev/null +++ b/old/jj04b10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1897 @@ +The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Book 4 +#4 in our series by Jean Jacques Rousseau + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the laws for your country before redistributing these files!!!!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. + +Please do not remove this. + +This should be the first thing seen when anyone opens the book. +Do not change or edit it without written permission. 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His box +of music, containing all his fortune, that precious box, preserved with +so much care and fatigue, had been seized on at Lyons by means of Count +Dortan, who had received information from the Chapter of our having +absconded with it. In vain did Le Maitre reclaim his property, his means +of existence, the labor of his life; his right to the music in question +was at least subject to litigation, but even that liberty was not allowed +him, the affair being instantly decided on the principal of superior +strength. Thus poor Le Maitre lost the fruit of his talents, the labor +of his youth, and principal dependence for the support of old age. + +Nothing was wanting to render the news I had received truly afflicting, +but I was at an age when even the greatest calamities are to be +sustained; accordingly I soon found consolation. I expected shortly +to hear news of Madam de Warrens, though I was ignorant of the address, +and she knew nothing of my return. As to my desertion of Le Maitre (all +things considered) I did not find it so very culpable. I had been +serviceable to him at his retreat; it was not in my power to give him any +further assistance. Had I remained with him in France it would not have +cured his complaint. I could not have saved his music, and should only +have doubled his expense: in this point of view I then saw my conduct; +I see it otherwise now. It frequently happens that a villainous action +does not torment us at the instant we commit it, but on recollection, and +sometimes even after a number of years have elapsed, for the remembrance +of crimes is not to be extinguished. + +The only means I had to obtain news of Madam de Warrens was to remain at +Annecy. Where should I seek her in Paris? or how bear the expense of +such a journey? Sooner or later there was no place where I could be so +certain to hear of her as that I was now at; this consideration +determined me to remain there, though my conduct was very indifferent. +I did not go to the bishop, who had already befriended me, and might +continue to do so; my patroness was not present, and I feared his +reprimands on the subject of our flight; neither did I go to the +seminary, M. Graswas no longer there; in short, I went to none of my +acquaintances. I should gladly have visited the intendant's lady, but +did not dare; I did worse, I sought out M. Venture, whom (notwithstanding +my enthusiasm) I had never thought of since my departure. I found him +quite gay, in high spirits, and the universal favorite of the ladies of +Annecy. + +This success completed my infatuation; I saw nothing but M. Venture; he +almost made me forget even Madam de Warrens. That I might profit more at +ease by his instructions and example, I proposed to share his lodgings, +to which he readily consented. It was at a shoemaker's; a pleasant, +jovial fellow, who, in his county dialect, called his wife nothing but +trollop; an appellation which she certainly merited. Venture took care +to augment their differences, though under an appearance of doing the +direct contrary, throwing out in a distant manner, and provincial +accents, hints that produced the utmost effect, and furnished such scenes +as were sufficient to make any one die with laughter. Thus the mornings +passed without our thinking of them; at two or three o'clock we took some +refreshment. Venture then went to his various engagements, where he +supped, while I walked alone, meditating on his great merit, coveting and +admiring his rare talents, and cursing my own unlucky stars, that did not +call me to so happy a life. How little did I then know of myself! mine +had been a thousand times more delightful, had I not been such a fool, or +known better how to enjoy it. + +Madam de Warrens had taken no one with her but Anet: Merceret, the +chambermaid, whom I have before mentioned, still remained in the house. +Merceret was something older than myself, not pretty, but tolerably +agreeable; good-natured, free from malice, having no fault to my +knowledge but being a little refractory with her mistress. I often went +to see her; she was an old acquaintance, who recalled to my remembrance +one more beloved, and this made her dear to me. She had several friends, +and among others one Mademoiselle Giraud, a Genevese, who, for the +punishment of my sins, took it in her head to have an inclination for me, +always pressing Merceret, when she returned her visits, to bring me with +her. As I liked Merceret, I felt no disinclination to accompany her; +besides I met there with some young people whose company pleased me. +For Mademoiselle Giraud, who offered every kind of enticement, nothing +could increase the aversion I had for her. When she drew near me, with +her dried black snout, smeared with Spanish snuff, it was with the utmost +difficulty that I could refrain from expressing my distaste; but, being +pleased with her visitors, I took patience. Among these were two girls +who (either to pay their court to Mademoiselle Giraud or myself) paid me +every possible attention. I conceived this to be only friendship; but +have since thought it depended only on myself to have discovered +something more, though I did not even think of it at the time. + +There was another reason for my stupidity. Seamstresses, chambermaids, +or milliners, never tempted me; I sighed for ladies! Every one has his +peculiar taste, this has ever been mine; being in this particular of a +different opinion from Horace. Yet it is not vanity of riches or rank +that attracts me; it is a well-preserved complexion, fine hands, elegance +of ornaments, an air of delicacy and neatness throughout the whole +person; more in taste, in the manner of expressing themselves, a finer or +better made gown, a well-turned ankle, small foot, ribbons, lace, and +well-dressed hair; I even prefer those who have less natural beauty, +provided they are elegantly decorated. I freely confess this preference +is very ridiculous; yet my heart gives in to it spite of my +understanding. Well, even this advantage presented itself, and it only +depended on my own resolution to have seized the opportunity. + +How do I love, from time to time, to return to those moments of my youth, +which were so charmingly delightful; so short, so scarce, and enjoyed at +so cheap a rate!--how fondly do I wish to dwell on them! Even yet the +remembrance of these scenes warms my heart with a chaste rapture, which +appears necessary to reanimate my drooping courage, and enable me to +sustain the weariness of my latter days. + +The appearance of Aurora seemed so delightful one morning that, putting +on my clothes, I hastened into the country, to see the rising of the sun. +I enjoyed that pleasure in its utmost extent; it was one week after +midsummer; the earth was covered with verdure and flowers, the +nightingales, whose soft warblings were almost concluded, seemed to vie +with each other, and in concert with birds of various kinds to bid adieu +to spring, and hail the approach of a beautiful summer's day: one of +those lovely days that are no longer to be enjoyed at my age, and which +have never been seen on the melancholy soil I now inhabit. + +I had rambled insensibly, to a considerable distance from the town--the +heat augmented--I was walking in the shade along a valley, by the side of +a brook, I heard behind me the steps of horses, and the voice of some +females who, though they seemed embarrassed, did not laugh the less +heartily on that account. I turn round, hear myself called by name, and +approaching, find two young people of my acquaintance, Mademoiselle de +G---- and Mademoiselle Galley, who, not being very excellent horsewomen, +could not make their horses cross the rivulet. + +Mademoiselle de G---- was a young lady of Berne, very amiable; who, +having been sent from that country for some youthful folly, had imitated +Madam de Warrens, at whose house I had sometimes seen her; but not +having, like her, a pension, she had been fortunate in this attachment to +Mademoiselle Galley, who had prevailed on her mother to engage her young +friend as a companion, till she could be otherwise provided for. +Mademoiselle Galley was one year younger than her friend, handsomer, +more delicate, more ingenious, and to complete all, extremely well made. +They loved each other tenderly, and the good disposition of both could +not fail to render their union durable, if some lover did not derange it. +They informed me they were going to Toune, an old castle belonging to +Madam Galley, and implored my assistance to make their horses cross the +stream, not being able to compass it themselves. I would have given each +a cut or two with the whip,, but they feared I might be kicked, and +themselves thrown; I therefore had recourse to another expedient, I took +hold of Mademoiselle Galley's horse and led him through the brook, the +water reaching half-way up my legs. The other followed without any +difficulty. This done, I would have paid my compliments to the ladies, +and walked off like a great booby as I was, but after whispering each +other, Mademoiselle de G---- said, "No, no, you must not think to escape +thus; you have got wet in our service, and we ought in conscience to take +care and dry you. If you please you must go with us, you are now our +prisoner." My heart began to beat--I looked at Mademoiselle Galley---- +"Yes, yes," added she, laughing at my fearful look; "our prisoner of war; +come, get up behind her, we shall give a good account of you." But, +mademoiselle," continued I, "I have not the honor to be acquainted with +your mother; what will she say on my arrival?"--"Her mother," replied +Mademoiselle de G---- is not at Toune, we are alone, we shall return at +night, and you shall come back with us. + +The stroke of electricity has not a more instantaneous effect than these +words produced on me. Leaping behind Mademoiselle de G----, I trembled +with joy, and when it became necessary to clasp her in order to hold +myself on, my heart beat so violently that she perceived it, and told me +hers beat also from a fear of falling. In my present posture, I might +naturally have considered this an invitation to satisfy myself of the +truth of her assertion, yet I did not dare, and during the whole way my +arm served as a girdle (a very close one, I must confess), without being +a moment displaced. Some women that may read this would be for giving me +a box on the ear, and, truly, I deserved it. + +The gayety of the journey, and the chat of these girls, so enlivened me, +that during the whole time we passed together we never ceased talking a +moment. They had set me so thoroughly at ease, that my tongue spoke as +fast as my eyes, though not exactly the same things. Some minutes, +indeed, when I was left alone with either, the conversation became a +little embarrassed, but neither of them was absent long enough to allow +time for explaining the cause. + +Arrived at Toune, and myself well dried, we breakfasted together; after +which it was necessary to settle the important business of preparing +dinner. The young ladies cooked, kissing from time to time the farmer's +children, while the poor scullion looked on grumbling. Provisions had +been sent for from town, and there was everything necessary for a good +dinner, but unhappily they had forgotten wine; this forgetfulness was by +no means astonishing to girls who seldom drank any, but I was sorry for +the omission, as I had reckoned on its help, thinking it might add to my +confidence. They were sorry likewise, and perhaps from the same motive; +though I have no reason to say this, for their lively and charming gayety +was innocence itself; besides, there were two of them, what could they +expect from me? they went everywhere about the neighborhood to seek for +wine, but none could be procured, so pure and sober are the peasants in +those parts. As they were expressing their concern, I begged them not to +give themselves any uneasiness on my account, for while with them I had +no occasion for wine to intoxicate me. This was the only gallantry I +ventured at during the whole of the day, and I believe the sly rogues saw +well enough that I said nothing but the truth. + +We dined in the kitchen; the two friends were seated on the benches, one +on each side the long table, and their guest at the end, between them, on +a three--legged stool. What a dinner! how charming the remembrance! +While we can enjoy, at so small an expense, such pure, such true +delights, why should we be solicitous for others? Never did those +'petite soupes', so celebrated in Paris, equal this; I do not only say +for real pleasure and gayety, but even for sensuality. + +After dinner, we were economical; instead of drinking the coffee we had +reserved at breakfast, we kept it for an afternoon collation, with cream, +and some cake they had brought with them. To keep our appetites in play, +we went into the orchard, meaning to finish our dessert with cherries. +I got into a tree, throwing them down bunches, from which they returned +the stones through the branches. One time, Mademoiselle Galley, holding +out her apron, and drawing back her head, stood so fair, and I took such +good aim, that I dropped a bunch into her bosom. On her laughing, I said +to myself, "Why are not my lips cherries? How gladly would I throw them +there likewise." + +Thus the day passed with the greatest freedom, yet with the utmost +decency; not a single equivocal word, not one attempt at double-meaning +pleasantry; yet this delicacy was not affected, we only performed the +parts our hearts dictated; in short, my modesty, some will say my folly, +was such that the greatest familiarity that escaped me was once kissing +the hand of Mademoiselle Galley; it is true, the attending circumstances +helped to stamp a value on this trifling favor; we were alone, I was +embarrassed, her eyes were fixed on the ground, and my lips, instead of +uttering words, were pressed on her hand, which she drew gently back +after the salute, without any appearance of displeasure. I know not what +I should have said to her; but her friend entered, and at that moment I +thought her ugly. + +At length, they bethought themselves, that they must return to town +before night; even now we had but just time to reach it by daylight; +and we hastened our departure in the same order we came. Had I pleased +myself, I should certainly have reversed this order, for the glance of +Mademoiselle Galley had reached my heart, but I dared not mention it, +and the proposal could not reasonably come from her. On the way, we +expressed our sorrow that the day was over, but far from complaining of +the shortness of its duration, we were conscious of having prolonged it +by every possible amusement. + +I quitted them in nearly the same spot where I had taken them up. With +what regret did we part! With what pleasure did we form projects to +renew our meeting! Delightful hours, which we passed innocently +together, yet were worth ages of familiarity! The sweet remembrance of +those days cost those amiable girls nothing; the tender union which +reigned among us equalled more lively pleasures, with which it could not +have existed. We loved each other without shame or mystery, and wished +to continue our reciprocal affection. There is a species of enjoyment +connected with innocence of manners which is superior to any other, +because it has no interval; for myself, the remembrance of such a day +touches me nearer, delights me more, and returns with greater rapture to +my heart than any other pleasure I ever tasted. I hardly knew what I +wished with those charming girls. I do not say: that had the arrangement +been in my power, I should have divided my heart between them; +I certainly felt some degree of preference: though I should have been +happy to have had Mademoiselle de G----, for a mistress, I think, +by choice, I should have liked her, better as a confidante; be that as it +may, I felt on leaving them as though I could not live without either. +Who would have thought that I should never see them more; and that here +our ephemeral amours must end? + +Those who read this will not fail to laugh at my gallantries, and remark, +that after very promising preliminaries, my most forward adventures +concluded by a kiss of the hand: yet be not mistaken, reader, in your +estimate of my enjoyments; I have, perhaps, tasted more real pleasure in +my amours, which concluded by a kiss of the hand, than you will ever have +in yours, which, at least, begin there. + +Venture, who had gone to bed late the night before, came in soon after +me. I did not now see him with my usual satisfaction, and took care not +to inform him how I had passed the day. The ladies had spoken of him +slightingly, and appeared discontented at finding me in such bad hands; +this hurt him in my esteem; besides, whatever diverted my ideas from them +was at this time disagreeable. However, he soon brought me back to him +and myself, by speaking of the situation of my affairs, which was too +critical to last; for, though I spent very little, my slender finances +were almost exhausted. I was without resource; no news of Madam de +Warrens; not knowing what would become of me, and feeling a cruel pang at +heart to see the friend of Mademoiselle Galley reduced to beggary. + +I now learned from Venture that he had spoken of me to the Judge Major, +and would take me next day to dine with him; that he was a man who by +means of his friends might render me essential service. In other +respects he was a desirable acquaintance, being a man of wit and letters, +of agreeable conversation, one who possessed talents and loved them in +others. After this discourse (mingling the most serious concerns with +the most trifling frivolity) he showed me a pretty couplet, which came +from Paris, on an air in one of Mouret's operas, which was then playing. +Monsieur Simon (the judge major) was so pleased with this couplet, that +he determined to make another in answer to it, on the same air. He had +desired Venture to write one, and he wished me to make a third, that, as +he expressed it, they might see couplets start up next day like incidents +in a comic romance. + +In the night (not being able to sleep) I composed a couplet, as my first +essay in poetry. It was passable; better, or at least composed with more +taste than it would have been the preceding night, the subject being +tenderness, to which my heart was now entirely disposed. In the morning +I showed my performance to Venture, who, being pleased with the couplet, +put it in his pocket, without informing me whether he had made his. We +dined with M. Simon, who treated us very politely. The conversation was +agreeable; indeed it could not be otherwise between two men of natural +good sense, improved by reading. For me, I acted my proper part, which +was to listen without attempting to join in the conversation. Neither of +them mentioned the couplet nor do I know that it ever passed for mine. +M. Simon appeared satisfied with my behavior; indeed, it was almost all +he saw of me at this interview. We had often met at Madam de Warrens, +but he had never paid much attention to me; it is from this dinner, +therefore, that I date our acquaintance, which, though of no use in +regard to the object I then had in view, was afterwards productive of +advantages which make me recollect it with pleasure. I should be wrong +not to give some account of this person, since from his office of +magistrate, and the reputation of wit on which he piqued himself, no idea +could be formed of it. The judge major, Simon, certainly was not two feet +high; his legs spare, straight, and tolerably long, would have added +something to his stature had they been vertical, but they stood in the +direction of an open pair of compasses. His body was not only short, but +thin, being in every respect of most inconceivable smallness--when naked +he must have appeared like a grasshopper. His head was of the common +size, to which appertained a well-formed face, a noble look, and +tolerably fine eyes; in short, it appeared a borrowed head, stuck on a +miserable stump. He might very well have dispensed with dress, for his +large wig alone covered him from head to foot. + +He had two voices, perfectly different, which intermingled perpetually in +his conversation, forming at first a diverting, but afterwards a very +disagreeable contrast. One grave and sonorous, was, if I may hazard the +expression, the voice of his head: the other, clear, sharp, and piercing, +the voice of his body. When he paid particular attention, and spoke +leisurely, so as to preserve his breath, he could continue his deep tone; +but if he was the least animated, or attempted a lively accent, his voice +sounded like the whistling of a key, and it was with the utmost +difficulty that he could return to the bass. + +With the figure I have just described, and which is by no means +overcharged, M. Simon was gallant, ever entertaining the ladies with +soft tales, and carrying the decoration of his person even to foppery. +Willing to make use of every advantage he, during the morning, gave +audience in bed, for when a handsome head was discovered on the pillow no +one could have imagined what belonged to it. This circumstance gave +birth to scenes, which I am certain are yet remembered by all Annecy. + +One morning, when he expected to give audience in bed, or rather on the +bed, having on a handsome night-cap ornamented with rose-colored ribbon, +a countryman arriving knocked at the door; the maid happened to be out; +the judge, therefore, hearing the knock repeated, cried "Come in," and, +as he spoke rather loud, it was in his shrill tone. The man entered, +looked about, endeavoring to discover whence the female voice proceeded +and at length seeing a handsome head-dress set off with ribbons, was +about to leave the room, making the supposed lady a hundred apologies. +M. Simon, in a rage, screamed the more; and the countryman, yet more +confirmed in his opinion, conceiving himself to be insulted, began +railing in his turn, saying that, "Apparently, she was nothing better +than a common streetwalker, and that the judge major should be ashamed of +setting such ill examples." The enraged magistrate, having no other +weapon than the jordan under his bed, was just going to throw it at the +poor fellow's head as his servant returned. + +This dwarf, ill-used by nature as to his person, was recompensed by +possessing an understanding naturally agreeable, and which he had been +careful to cultivate. Though he was esteemed a good lawyer, he did not +like his profession, delighting more in the finer parts of literature, +which he studied with success: above all, he possessed that superficial +brilliancy, the art of pleasing in conversation, even with the ladies. +He knew by heart a number of little stories, which he perfectly well knew +how to make the most of; relating with an air of secrecy, and as an +anecdote of yesterday, what happened sixty years before. He understood +music, and could sing agreeably; in short, for a magistrate, he had many +pleasing talents. By flattering the ladies of Annecy, he became +fashionable among them, appearing continually in their train. He even +pretended to favors, at which they were much amused. A Madam D'Epigny +used to say "The greatest favor he could aspire to, was to kiss a lady on +her knees." + +As he was well read, and spoke fluently, his conversation was both +amusing and instructive. When I afterwards took a taste for study, +I cultivated his acquaintance, and found my account in it: when at +Chambery, I frequently went from thence to see him. His praises +increased my emulation, to which he added some good advice respecting the +prosecution of my studies, which I found useful. Unhappily, this weakly +body contained a very feeling soul. Some years after, he was chagrined +by I know not what unlucky affair, but it cost him his life. This was +really unfortunate, for he was a good little man, whom at a first +acquaintance one laughed at, but afterwards loved. Though our situations +in life were very little connected with each other, as I received some +useful lessons from him, I thought gratitude demanded that I should +dedicate a few sentences to his memory. + +As soon as I found myself at liberty, I ran into the street where +Mademoiselle Galley lived, flattering myself that I should see someone go +in or out, or at least open a window, but I was mistaken, not even a cat +appeared, the house remaining as close all the time as if it had been +uninhabited. The street was small and lonely, any one loitering about +was, consequently, more likely to be noticed; from time to time people +passed in and out of the neighborhood; I was much embarrassed, thinking +my person might be known, and the cause that brought me there +conjectured; this idea tortured me, for I have ever preferred the honor +and happiness of those I love to my own pleasures. + +At length, weary of playing the Spanish lover, and having no guitar, +I determined to write to Mademoiselle de G----. I should have preferred +writing to her friend, but did not dare take that liberty, as it appeared +more proper to begin with her to whom I owed the acquaintance, and with +whom I was most familiar. Having written my letter, I took it to +Mademoiselle Giraud, as the young ladies had agreed at parting, they +having furnished me with this expedient. Mademoiselle Giraud was a +quilter, and sometimes worked at Madam Galley's, which procured her free +admission to the house. I must confess, I was not thoroughly satisfied +with this messenger, but was cautious of starting difficulties, fearing +that if I objected to her no other might be named, and it was impossible +to intimate that she had an inclination to me herself. I even felt +humiliated that she should think I could imagine her of the same sex as +those young ladies: in a word, I accepted her agency rather than none, +and availed myself of it at all events. + +At the very first word, Giraud discovered me. I must own this was not a +difficult matter, for if sending a letter to young girls had not spoken +sufficiently plain, my foolish embarrassed air would have betrayed me. +It will easily be supposed that the employment gave her little +satisfaction, she undertook it, however, and performed it faithfully. +The next morning I ran to her house and found an answer ready for me. +How did I hurry away that I might have an opportunity to read and kiss it +alone! though this need not been told, but the plan adopted by +Mademoiselle Giraud (and in which I found more delicacy and moderation +than I had expected) should. She had sense enough to conclude that her +thirty--seven years, hare's eyes, daubed nose, shrill voice, and black +skin, stood no chance against two elegant young girls, in all the height +and bloom of beauty; she resolved, therefore, nether to betray nor assist +them, choosing rather to lose me entirely than entertain me for them. + +As Merceret had not heard from her mistress for some time, she thought of +returning to Fribourg, and the persuasions of Giraud determined her; nay +more, she intimated it was proper someone should conduct her to her +father's and proposed me. As I happened to be agreeable to little +Merceret, she approved the idea, and the same day they mentioned it to me +as a fixed point. Finding nothing displeasing in the manner they had +disposed of me, I consented, thinking it could not be above a week's +journey at most; but Giraud, who had arranged the whole affair, thought +otherwise. It was necessary to avow the state of my finances, and the +conclusion was, that Merceret should defray my expenses; but to retrench +on one hand what was expended on the other, I advised that her little +baggage should be sent on before, and that we should proceed by easy +journeys on foot. + +I am sorry to have so many girls in love with me, but as there is nothing +to be very vain of in the success of these amours, I think I may tell the +truth without scruple. Merceret, younger and less artful than Giraud, +never made me so many advances, but she imitated my manners, my actions, +repeated my words, and showed me all those little attentions I ought to +have had for her. Being very timorous, she took great care that we +should both sleep in the same chamber; a circumstance that usually +produces some consequences between a lad of twenty and a girl of twenty-- +five. + +For once, however, it went no further; my simplicity being such, that +though Merceret was by no means a disagreeable girl, an idea of gallantry +never entered my head, and even if it had, I was too great a novice to +have profited by it. I could not imagine how two young persons could +bring themselves to sleep together, thinking that such familiarity must +require an age of preparation. If poor Merceret paid my expenses in +hopes of any return, she was terribly cheated, for we arrived at Fribourg +exactly as we had quitted Annecy. + +I passed through Geneva without visiting any one. While going over the +bridges, I found myself so affected that I could scarcely proceed. Never +could I see the walls of that city, never could I enter it, without +feeling my heart sink from excess of tenderness, at the same time that +the image of liberty elevated my soul. The ideas of equality, union, and +gentleness of manners, touched me even to tears, and inspired me with a +lively regret at having forfeited all these advantages. What an error +was I in! but yet how natural! I imagined I saw all this in my native +country, because I bore it in my heart. + +It was necessary to pass through Nion: could I do this without seeing my +good father? Had I resolved on doing so, I must afterwards have died +with regret. I left Merceret at the inn, and ventured to his house. +How wrong was I to fear him! On seeing me, his soul gave way to the +parental tenderness with which it was filled. What tears were mingled +with our embraces! He thought I was returned to him: I related my +history, and informed him of my resolution. He opposed it feebly, +mentioning the dangers to which I exposed myself, and telling me the +shortest follies were best, but did not attempt to keep me by force, +in which particular I think he acted right; but it is certain he did not +do everything in his power to detain me, even by fair means. Whether +after the step I had taken, he thought I ought not to return, or was +puzzled at my age to know what to do with me--I have since found that he +conceived a very unjust opinion of my travelling companion. My step-- +mother, a good woman, a little coaxingly put on an appearance of wishing +me to stay to supper; I did not, however, comply, but told them I +proposed remaining longer with them on my return; leaving as a deposit +my little packet, that had come by water, and would have been an +incumbrance, had I taken it with me. I continued my journey the next +morning, well satisfied that I had seen my father, and had taken courage +to do my duty. + +We arrived without any accident at Fribourg. Towards the conclusion of +the journey, the politeness of Mademoiselle Merceret rather diminished, +and, after our arrival, she treated me even with coldness. Her father, +who was not in the best circumstances, did not show me much attention, +and I was obliged to lodge at an alehouse. I went to see them the next +morning, and received an invitation to dine there, which I accepted. We +separated without tears at night; I returned to my paltry lodging, and +departed the second day after my arrival, almost without knowing whither +to go to. + +This was a circumstance of my life in which Providence offered me +precisely what was necessary to make my days pass happily. Merceret was +a good girl, neither witty, handsome, nor ugly; not very lively, but +tolerably rational, except while under the influence of some little +humors, which usually evaporated in tears, without any violent outbreak +of temper. She had a real inclination for me; I might have married her +without difficulty, and followed her father's business. My taste for +music would have made me love her; I should have settled at Fribourg, a +small town, not pretty, but inhabited by very worthy people--I should +certainly have missed great pleasures, but should have lived in peace to +my last hour, and I must know best what I should have gained by such a +step. + +I did not return to Nion, but to Lausanne, wishing to gratify myself with +a view of that beautiful lake which is seen there in its utmost extent. +The greater part of my secret motives have not been so reasonable. +Distant expectation has rarely strength enough to influence my actions; +the uncertainty of the future ever making me regard projects whose +execution requires a length of time as deceitful lures. I give in to +visionary scenes of hope as well as others, provided they cost nothing, +but if attended with any trouble, I have done with them. The smallest, +the most trifling pleasure that is conveniently within my reach, tempts +me more than all the joys of paradise. I must except, however, those +pleasures which are necessarily followed by pain; I only love those +enjoyments which are unadulterated, which can never be the case where we +are conscious they must be followed by repentance. + +It was necessary I should arrive at some place, and the nearest was best; +for having lost my way on the road, I found myself in the evening at +Moudon, where I spent all that remained of my little stock except ten +creuzers, which served to purchase my next day's dinner. Arriving in the +evening at Lausanne, I went into an ale-house, without a penny in my +pocket to pay for my lodging, or knowing what would become of me. I +found myself extremely hungry--setting, therefore, a good face on the +matter, I ordered supper, made my meal, went to bed without thought and +slept with great composure. In the morning, having breakfasted and +reckoned with my host, I offered to leave my waistcoat in pledge for +seven batz, which was the amount of my expenses. The honest man refused +this, saying, thank Heaven, he had never stripped any one, and would not +now begin for seven batz, adding I should keep my waistcoat and pay him +when I could. I was affected with this unexpected kindness, but felt it +less than I ought to have done, or have since experienced on the +remembrance of it. I did not fail sending him his money, with thanks, by +one I could depend on. Fifteen years after, passing Lausanne, on my +return from Italy, I felt a sensible regret at having forgotten the name +of the landlord and house. I wished to see him, and should have felt +real pleasure in recalling to his memory that worthy action. +Services which doubtless have been much more important, but rendered with +ostentation, have not appeared to me so worthy of gratitude as the simple +unaffected humanity of this honest man. + +As I approached Lausanne, I thought of my distress, and the means of +extricating myself, without appearing in want to my step-mother. +I compared myself, in this walking pilgrimage, to my friend Venture, +on his arrival at Annecy, and was so warmed with the idea, that without +recollecting that I had neither his gentility nor his talents, I +determined to act the part of little Venture at Lausanne, to teach music, +which I did not understand, and say I came from Paris, where I had never +been. + +In consequence of this noble project (as there was no company where I +could introduce myself without expense, and not choosing to venture among +professional people), I inquired for some little inn, where I could lodge +cheap, and was directed to one named Perrotet, who took in boarders. +This Perrotet, who was one of the best men in the world, received me very +kindly, and after having heard my feigned story and profession, promised +to speak of me, and endeavored to procure me scholars, saying he should +not expect any money till I had earned it. His price for board, though +moderate in itself, was a great deal to me; he advised me, therefore, to +begin with half board, which consisted of good soup only for dinner, but +a plentiful supper at night. I closed with this proposition, and the +poor Perrotet trusted me with great cheerfulness, sparing, meantime, no +trouble to be useful to me. + +Having found so many good people in my youth, why do I find so few in my +age? Is their race extinct? No; but I do not seek them in the same +situation I did formerly, among the commonality, where violent passions +predominate only at intervals, and where nature speaks her genuine +sentiments. In more elevated stations they are entirely smothered, and +under the mask of sentiment, only interest or vanity is heard. + +Having written to my father from Lausanne, he sent my packet and some +excellent advice, of which I should have profited better. I have already +observed that I have moments of inconceivable delirium, in which I am +entirely out of myself. The adventure I am about to relate is an +instance of this: to comprehend how completely my brain was turned, and +to what degree I had 'Venturised' (if I may be allowed the expression), +the many extravagances I ran into at the same time should be considered. +Behold me, then, a singing master, without knowing how to note a common +song; for if the five or six months passed with Le Maitre had improved +me, they could not be supposed sufficient to qualify me for such an +undertaking; besides, being taught by a master was enough (as I have +before observed) to make me learn ill. Being a Parisian from Geneva, +and a Catholic in a Protestant country, I thought I should change my name +with my religion and country, still approaching as near as possible to +the great model I had in view. He called himself Venture de Villeneuve. +I changed, by anagram, the name Rousseau into that of Vaussore, calling +myself Monsieur Vaussore de Villeneuve. Venture was a good composer, +though he had not said so; without knowing anything of the art, I boasted +of my skill to every one. This was not all: being presented to Monsieur +de Freytorens, professor of law, who loved music, and who gave concerts +at his house, nothing would do but I must give him a proof of my talents, +and accordingly I set about composing a piece for his concerts, as boldly +as if I had really understood the science. I had the constancy to labor +a fortnight at this curious business, to copy it fair, write out the +different parts, and distribute them with as much assurance as if they +had been masterpieces of harmony; in short (what will hardly be believed, +though strictly true), I tacked a very pretty minuet to the end of it, +that was commonly played about the streets, and which many may remember +from these words, so well known at that time: + + Quel caprice! + Quel injustice! + Quio, tu Clarice + Trahiriot tes feux? &'c. + +Venture had taught me this air with the bass, set to other words, by the +help of which I had retained it: thus at the end of my composition, I put +this minuet and bass, suppressing the words, and uttering it for my own +as confidently as if I had been speaking to the inhabitants of the moon. +They assembled to perform my piece; I explain to each the movement, taste +of execution, and references to his part--I was fully occupied. They +were five or six minutes preparing, which were for me so many ages: at +length, everything is adjusted, myself in a conspicuous situation, a fine +roll of paper in my hand, gravely preparing to beat time. I gave four or +five strokes with my paper, attending with "take care!" they begin-- +No, never since French operas existed was there such a confused discord! +The minuet, however, presently put all the company in good humor; hardly +was it begun, before I heard bursts of laughter from all parts, every one +congratulated me on my pretty taste for music, declaring this minuet +would make me spoken of, and that I merited the loudest praise. It is +not necessary to describe my uneasiness, or to own how much I deserved +it. + +Next day, one of the musicians, named Lutold, came to see me and was kind +enough to congratulate me on my success. The profound conviction of my +folly, shame, regret, and the state of despair to which I was reduced, +with the impossibility of concealing the cruel agitation of my heart, +made me open it to him; giving, therefore, a loose to my tears, not +content with owning my ignorance, I told all, conjuring him to secrecy; +he kept his word, as every one will suppose. The same evening, all +Lausanne knew who I was, but what is remarkable, no one seemed to know, +not even the good Perrotet, who (notwithstanding what had happened) +continued to lodge and board me. + +I led a melancholy life here; the consequences of such an essay had not +rendered Lausanne a very agreeable residence. Scholars did not present +themselves in crowds, not a single female, and not a person of the city. +I had only two or three great dunces, as stupid as I was ignorant, who +fatigued me to death, and in my hands were not likely to edify much. + +At length, I was sent for to a house, where a little serpent of a girl +amused herself by showing me a parcel of music that I could not read a +note of, and which she had the malice to sing before her master, to teach +him how it should be executed; for I was so unable to read an air at +first sight, that in the charming concert I have just described, I could +not possibly follow the execution a moment, or know whether they played +truly what lay before them, and I myself had composed. + +In the midst of so many humiliating circumstances, I had the pleasing +consolation, from time to time, of receiving letters from my two charming +friends. I have ever found the utmost consolatory virtue in the fair; +when in disgrace, nothing softens my affliction more than to be sensible +that an amiable woman is interested for me. This correspondence ceased +soon after, and was never renewed: indeed it was my own fault, for in +changing situations I neglected sending my address, and forced by +necessity to think perpetually of myself, I soon forgot them. + +It is a long time since I mentioned Madam de Warrens, but it should not +be supposed I had forgotten her; never was she a moment absent from my +thoughts. I anxiously wished to find her, not merely because she was +necessary to my subsistence, but because she was infinitely more +necessary to my heart. My attachment to her (though lively and tender, +as it really was) did not prevent my loving others, but then it was not +in the same manner. All equally claimed my tenderness for their charms, +but it was those charms alone I loved, my passion would not have survived +them, while Madam de Warrens might have become old or ugly without my +loving her the less tenderly. My heart had entirely transmitted to +herself the homage it first paid to her beauty, and whatever change she +might experience, while she remained herself, my sentiments could not +change. I was sensible how much gratitude I owed to her, but in truth, I +never thought of it, and whether she served me or not, it would ever have +been the same thing. I loved her neither from duty, interest, nor +convenience; I loved her because I was born to love her. During my +attachment to another, I own this affection was in some measure deranged; +I did not think so frequently of her, but still with the same pleasure, +and never, in love or otherwise, did I think of her without feeling that +I could expect no true happiness in life while in a state of separation. + +Though in so long a time I had received no news from Madam de Warrens, I +never imagined I had entirely lost her, or that she could have forgotten +me. I said to myself, she will know sooner or later that I am wandering +about, and will find some means to inform me of her situation: I am +certain I shall find her. In the meantime, it was a pleasure to live in +her native country, to walk in the streets where she had walked, and +before the houses that she had lived in; yet all this was the work of +conjecture, for one of my foolish peculiarities was, not daring to +inquire after her, or even pronounce her name without the most absolute +necessity. It seemed in speaking of her that I declared all I felt, that +my lips revealed the secrets of my heart, and in some degree injured the +object of my affection. I believe fear was likewise mingled with this +idea; I dreaded to hear ill of her. Her management had been much spoken +of, and some little of her conduct in other respects; fearing, therefore, +that something might be said which I did not wish to hear, I preferred +being silent on the subject. + +As my scholars did not take up much of my time, and the town where she +was born was not above four leagues from Lausanne, I made it a walk of +three or four days; during which time a most pleasant emotion never left +me. A view of the lake of Geneva and its admirable banks, had ever, in +my idea, a particular attraction which I cannot describe; not arising +merely from the beauty of the prospect, but something else, I know not +why, more interesting, which affects and softens me. Every time I have +approached the Vaudois country I have experienced an impression composed +of the remembrance of Madam de Warrens, who was born there; of my father, +who lived there; of Miss Vulson, who had been my first love, and of +several pleasant journeys I had made there in my childhood, mingled with +some nameless charm, more powerfully attractive than all the rest. When +that ardent desire for a life of happiness and tranquility (which ever +follows me, and for which I was born) inflames my mind, 'tis ever to the +country of Vaud, near the lake, in those charming plains, that +imagination leads me. An orchard on the banks of that lake, and no +other, is absolutely necessary; a firm friend, an amiable woman, a cow, +and a little boat; nor could I enjoy perfect happiness on earth without +these concomitants. I laugh at the simplicity with which I have several +times gone into that country for the sole purpose of seeking this +imaginary happiness when I was ever surprised to find the inhabitants, +particularly the women, of a quite different disposition to what I +sought. How strange did this appear to me! The country and people who +inhabit it, were never, in my idea, formed for each other. + +Walking along these beautiful banks, on my way to Vevay, I gave myself +up to the soft melancholy; my heart rushed with ardor into a thousand +innocent felicities; melting to tenderness, I sighed and wept like a +child. How often, stopping to weep more at my ease, and seated on a +large stone, did I amuse myself with seeing my tears drop into the water. + +On my arrival at Vevay, I lodged at the Key, and during the two days I +remained there, without any acquaintance, conceived a love for that city, +which has followed me through all my travels, and was finally the cause +that I fixed on this spot, in the novel I afterwards wrote, for the +residence of my hero and heroines. I would say to any one who has taste +and feeling, go to Vevay, visit the surrounding country, examine the +prospects, go on the lake and then say, whether nature has not designed +this country for a Julia, a Clara, and a St. Preux; but do not seek them +there. I now return to my story. + +Giving myself out for a Catholic, I followed without mystery or scruple +the religion I had embraced. On a Sunday, if the weather was fine, I +went to hear mass at Assans, a place two leagues distant from Lausanne, +and generally in company with other Catholics, particularly a Parisian +embroiderer, whose name I have forgotten. Not such a Parisian as myself, +but a real native of Paris, an arch-Parisian from his maker, yet honest +as a peasant. He loved his country so well, that he would not doubt my +being his countryman, for fear he should not have so much occasion to +speak of it. The lieutenant-governor, M. de Crouzas, had a gardener, who +was likewise from Paris, but not so complaisant; he thought the glory of +his country concerned, when any one claimed that honor who was not really +entitled to it; he put questions to me, therefore, with an air and tone, +as if certain to detect me in a falsehood, and once, smiling malignantly, +asked what was remarkable in the 'Marcheneuf'? It may be supposed I +asked the question; but I have since passed twenty years at Paris, and +certainly know that city, yet was the same question repeated at this day, +I should be equally embarrassed to answer it, and from this embarrassment +it might be concluded I had never been there: thus, even when we meet +with truths, we are subject to build our opinions on circumstances, which +may easily deceive us. + +I formed no ideas, while at Lausanne, that were worth recollecting, nor +can I say exactly how long I remained there; I only know that not finding +sufficient to subsist on, I went from thence to Neutchatel, where I +passed the winter. Here I succeeded better, I got some scholars, and +saved enough to pay my good friend Perrotet, who had faithfully sent my +baggage, though at that time I was considerably in his debt. + +By continuing to teach music, I insensibly gained some knowledge of it. +The life I led was sufficiently agreeable, and any reasonable man might +have been satisfied, but my unsettled heart demanded something more. +On Sundays, or whenever I had leisure, I wandered, sighing and +thoughtful, about the adjoining woods, and when once out of the city +never returned before night. One day, being at Boudry, I went to dine at +a public-house, where I saw a man with a long beard, dressed in a violet- +colored Grecian habit, with a fur cap, and whose air and manner were +rather noble. This person found some difficulty in making himself +understood, speaking only an unintelligible jargon, which bore more +resemblance to Italian than any other language. I understood almost all +he said, and I was the only person present who could do so, for he was +obliged to make his request known to the landlord and others about him by +signs. On my speaking a few words in Italian, which he perfectly +understood, he got up and embraced me with rapture; a connection was soon +formed, and from that moment, I became his interpreter. His dinner was +excellent, mine rather worse than indifferent, he gave me an invitation +to dine with him, which I accepted without much ceremony. Drinking and +chatting soon rendered us familiar, and by the end of the repast we had +all the disposition in the world to become inseparable companions. He +informed me he was a Greek prelate, and 'Archimandrite' of Jerusalem; +that he had undertaken to make a gathering in Europe for the +reestablishment of the Holy Sepulchre, and showed me some very fine +patents from the czarina, the emperor, and several other sovereigns. +He was tolerably content with what he had collected hitherto, though he +had experienced inconceivable difficulties in Germany; for not +understanding a word of German, Latin, or French, he had been obliged to +have recourse to his Greek, Turkish Lingua Franca, which did not procure +him much in the country he was travelling through; his proposal, +therefore, to me was, that I should accompany him in the quality of +secretary and interpreter. In spite of my violet-colored coat, which +accorded well enough with the proposed employment, he guessed from my +meagre appearance, that I should easily be gained; and he was not +mistaken. The bargain was soon made, I demanded nothing, and he promised +liberally; thus, without any security or knowledge of the person I was +about to serve, I gave myself up entirely to his conduct, and the next +day behold me on an expedition to Jerusalem. + +We began our expedition unsuccessfully by the canton of Fribourg. +Episcopal dignity would not suffer him to play the beggar, or solicit +help from private individuals; but we presented his commission to the +Senate, who gave him a trifling sum. From thence we went to Berne, where +we lodged at the Falcon, then a good inn, and frequented by respectable +company; the public table being well supplied and numerously attended. +I had fared indifferently so long, that I was glad to make myself amends, +therefore took care to profit by the present occasion. My lord, the +Archimandrite, was himself an excellent companion, loved good cheer, was +gay, spoke well for those who understood him, and knew perfectly well how +to make the most of his Grecian erudition. One day, at dessert while +cracking nuts, he cut his finger pretty deeply, and as it bled freely +showed it to the company, saying with a laugh, "Mirate, signori; questo a +sangue Pelasgo." + +At Berne, I was not useless to him, nor was my performance so bad as I +had feared: I certainly spoke better and with more confidence than I +could have done for myself. Matters were not conducted here with the +same simplicity as at Fribourg; long and frequent conferences were +necessary with the Premiers of the State, and the examination of his +titles was not the work of a day; at length, everything being adjusted, +he was admitted to an audience by the Senate; I entered with him as +interpreter, and was ordered to speak. I expected nothing less, for it +never entered my mind, that after such long and frequent conferences with +the members, it was necessary to address the assembly collectively, as if +nothing had been said. Judge my embarrassment!--a man so bashful to +speak, not only in public, but before the whole of the Senate of Berne! +to speak impromptu, without a single moment for recollection; it was +enough to annihilate me--I was not even intimidated. I described +distinctly and clearly the commission of the Archimandrite; extolled the +piety of those princes who had contributed, and to heighten that of their +excellencies by emulation, added that less could not be expected from +their well--known munificence; then, endeavoring to prove that this good +work was equally interesting to all Christians, without distinction of +sect; and concluded by promising the benediction of Heaven to all those +who took part in it. I will not say that my discourse was the cause of +our success, but it was certainly well received; and on our quitting the +Archimandrite was gratified by a very genteel present, to which some very +handsome compliments were added on the understanding of his secretary; +these I had the agreeable office of interpreting; but could not take +courage to render them literally. + +This was the only time in my life that I spoke in public, and before a +sovereign; and the only time, perhaps, that I spoke boldly and well. +What difference in the disposition of the same person. Three years ago, +having been to see my old friend, M. Roguin, at Yverdon, I received a +deputation to thank me for some books I had presented to the library of +that city; the Swiss are great speakers; these gentlemen, accordingly, +made me a long harangue, which I thought myself obliged in honor to +answer, but so embarrassed myself in the attempt, that my head became +confused, I stopped short, and was laughed at. Though naturally timid, +I have sometimes acted with confidence in my youth, but never in my +advanced age: the more I have seen of the world the less I have been able +to adapt its manners. + +On leaving Berne, we went to Soleurre: the Archimandrite designing to re- +enter Germany, and return through Hungary or Poland to his own country. +This would have been a prodigious tour; but as the contents of his purse +rather increased than diminished during his journey, he was in no haste +to return. For me, who was almost as much pleased on horseback as on +foot, I would have desired no better than to have travelled thus during +my whole life; but it was pre-ordained that my journey should soon end. + +The first thing we did after our arrival at Soleurre, was to pay our +respects to the French ambassador there. Unfortunately for my bishop, +this chanced to be the Marquis de Bonac, who had been ambassador at the +Porte, and was acquainted with every particular relative to the Holy +Sepulchre. The Archimandrite had an audience that lasted about a quarter +of an hour, to which I was not admitted, as the ambassador spoke French +and Italian at least as well as myself. On my Grecian's retiring, I was +prepared to follow him, but was detained: it was now my turn. Having +called myself a Parisian, as such, I was under the jurisdiction of his +excellency: he therefore asked me who I was? exhorting me to tell the +truth; this I promised to do, but entreated a private audience, which was +immediately granted. The ambassador took me to his closet, and shut the +door; there, throwing myself at his feet, I kept my word, nor should I +have said less, had I promised nothing, for a continual wish to unbosom +myself, puts my heart perpetually upon my lips. After having disclosed +myself without reserve to the musician Lutold, there was no occasion to +attempt acting the mysterious with the Marquis de Bonac, who was so well +pleased with my little history, and the ingenuousness with which I had +related it, that he led me to the ambassadress, and presented me, with an +abridgment of my recital. Madam de Bonac received me kindly, saying, +I must not be suffered to follow that Greek monk. It was accordingly +resolved that I should remain at their hotel till something better could +be done for me. I wished to bid adieu to my poor Archimandrite, for whom +I had conceived an attachment, but was not permitted; they sent him word +that I was to be detained there, and in quarter of an hour after, I saw +my little bundle arrive. M. de la Martiniere, secretary of the embassy, +had in a manner the care of me; while following him to the chamber +appropriated to my use, he said, "This apartment was occupied under the +Count de Luc, by a celebrated man of the same name as yourself; it is in +your power to succeed him in every respect, and cause it to be said +hereafter, Rousseau the First, Rousseau the Second." This similarity +which I did not then expect, would have been less flattering to my wishes +could I have foreseen at what price I should one day purchase the +distinction. + +What M. de la Martiniere had said excited my curiosity; I read the works +of the person whose chamber I occupied, and on the strength of the +compliment that had been paid me (imagining I had a taste for poetry) +made my first essay in a cantata in praise of Madam de Bonac. This +inclination was not permanent, though from time to time I have composed +tolerable verses. I think it is a good exercise to teach elegant turns +of expression, and to write well in prose, but could never find +attractions enough in French poetry to give entirely in to it. + +M. de la Martiniere wished to see my style, and asked me to write the +detail I had before made the ambassador; accordingly I wrote him a long +letter, which I have since been informed was preserved by M. de Marianne, +who had long been attached to the Marquis de Bonac, and has since +succeeded M. de Martiniere as secretary to the embassy of M. de +Courtellies. + +The experience I began to acquire tended to moderate my romantic +projects; for example, I did not fall in love with Madam de Bonac, but +also felt I did not stand much chance of succeeding in the service of her +husband. M. de la Martiniere was already in the only place that could +have satisfied my ambition, and M. de Marianne in expectancy: thus my +utmost hopes could only aspire to the office of under secretary, which +did not infinitely tempt me: this was the reason that when consulted on +the situation I should like to be placed in, I expressed a great desire +to go to Paris. The ambassador readily gave in to the idea, which at +least tended to disembarrass him of me. M. de Mervilleux interpreting +secretary to the embassy, said, that his friend, M. Godard, a Swiss +colonel, in the service of France, wanted a person to be with his nephew, +who had entered very young into the service, and made no doubt that I +should suit him. On this idea, so lightly formed, my departure was +determined; and I, who saw a long journey to perform with Paris at the +end of it, was enraptured with the project. They gave me several +letters, a hundred livres to defray the expenses of my journey, +accompanied with some good advice, and thus equipped I departed. + +I was a fortnight making the journey, which I may reckon among the +happiest days of my life. I was young, in perfect health, with plenty of +money, and the most brilliant hopes, add to this, I was on foot, and +alone. It may appear strange, I should mention the latter circumstance +as advantageous, if my peculiarity of temper is not already familiar to +the reader. I was continually occupied with a variety of pleasing +chimeras, and never did the warmth of my imagination produce more +magnificent ones. When offered an empty place in a carriage, or any +person accosted me on the road, how vexed was I to see that fortune +overthrown, whose edifice, while walking, I had taken such pains to rear. + +For once my ideas were all martial: I was going to live with a military +man; nay, to become one, for it was concluded I should begin with being a +cadet. I already fancied myself in regimentals, with a fine white +feather nodding on my hat, and my heart was inflamed by the noble idea. +I had some smattering of geometry and fortification; my uncle was an +engineer; I was in a manner a soldier by inheritance. My short sight, +indeed, presented some little obstacle, but did not by any means +discourage me, as I reckoned to supply that defect by coolness and +intrepidity. I had read, too, that Marshal Schomberg was remarkably +shortsighted, and why might not Marshal Rousseau be the same? My +imagination was so warm by these follies, that it presented nothing but +troops, ramparts, gabions, batteries, and myself in the midst of fire and +smoke, an eyeglass in hand, commanding with the utmost tranquility. +Notwithstanding, when the country presented a delightful prospect, when I +saw charming groves and rivulets, the pleasing sight made me sigh with +regret, and feel, in the midst of all this glory, that my heart was not +formed for such havoc; and soon without knowing how, I found my thoughts +wandering among my dear sheep-folds, renouncing forever the labor of +Mars. + +How much did Paris disappoint the idea I had formed of it! The exterior +decorations I had seen at Turin, the beauty of the streets, the symmetry +and regularity of the houses, contributed to this disappointment, since I +concluded that Paris must be infinitely superior. I had figured to +myself a splendid city, beautiful as large, of the most commanding +aspect, whose streets were ranges of magnificent palaces, composed of +marble and gold. On entering the faubourg St. Marceau, I saw nothing but +dirty stinking streets, filthy black houses, an air of slovenliness and +poverty, beggars, carters, butchers, cries of diet-drink and old hats. +This struck me so forcibly, that all I have since seen of real +magnificence in Paris could never erase this first impression, which has +ever given me a particular disgust to residing in that capital; and I may +say, the whole time I remained there afterwards, was employed in seeking +resources which might enable me to live at a distance from it. This is +the consequence of too lively imagination, which exaggerates even beyond +the voice of fame, and ever expects more than is told. I have heard +Paris so flatteringly described, that I pictured it like the ancient +Babylon, which, perhaps, had I seen, I might have found equally faulty, +and unlike that idea the account had conveyed. The same thing happened +at the Opera-house, to which I hastened the day after my arrival! I was +sensible of the same deficiency at Versailles! and some time after on +viewing the sea. I am convinced this would ever be the consequence of a +too flattering description of any object; for it is impossible for man, +and difficult even for nature herself, to surpass the riches of my +imagination. + +By the reception I met with from all those to whom my letters were +addressed, I thought my fortune was certainly made. The person who +received me the least kindly was M. de Surbeck, to whom I had the +warmest recommendation. He had retired from the service, and lived +philosophically at Bagneux, where I waited on him several times without +his offering me even a glass of water. I was better received by Madam de +Merveilleux, sister-in-law to the interpreter, and by his nephew, who was +an officer in the guards. The mother and son not only received me +kindly, but offered me the use of their table, which favor I frequently +accepted during my stay at Paris. + +Madam de Merveilleux appeared to have been handsome; her hair was of a +fine black, which, according to the old mode, she wore curled on the +temples. She still retained (what do not perish with a set of features) +the beauties of an amiable mind. She appeared satisfied with mine, and +did all she could to render me service; but no one seconded her +endeavors, and I was presently undeceived in the great interest they had +seemed to take in my affairs. I must, however, do the French nation the +justice to say, they do not so exhaust themselves with protestations, +as some have represented, and that those they make are usually sincere; +but they have a manner of appearing interested in your affairs, which is +more deceiving than words. The gross compliments of the Swiss can only +impose upon fools; the manners of the French are more seducing, and at +the same time so simple, that you are persuaded they do not express all +they mean to do for you, in order that you may be the more agreeably +surprised. I will say more; they are not false in their protestations, +being naturally zealous to oblige, humane, benevolent, and even (whatever +may be said to the contrary) more sincere than any other nation; but they +are too flighty: in effect they feel the sentiments they profess for you, +but that sentiment flies off as instantaneously as it was formed. In +speaking to you, their whole attention is employed on you alone, when +absent you are forgotten. Nothing is permanent in their hearts, all is +the work of the moment. + +Thus I was greatly flattered, but received little service. Colonel +Godard for whose nephew I was recommended, proved to be an avaricious old +wretch, who, on seeing my distress (though he was immensely rich), wished +to have my services for nothing, meaning to place me with his nephew, +rather as a valet without wages than a tutor. He represented that as I +was to be continually engaged with him, I should be excused from duty, +and might live on my cadet's allowance; that is to say, on the pay of a +soldier: hardly would he consent to give me a uniform, thinking the +clothing of the army might serve. Madam de Merveilleux, provoked at his +proposals, persuaded me not to accept them; her son was of the same +opinion; something else was to be thought on, but no situation was +procured. Meantime, I began to be necessitated; for the hundred livres +with which I had commenced my journey could not last much longer; +happily, I received a small remittance from the ambassador, which was +very serviceable, nor do I think he would have abandoned me had I +possessed more patience; but languishing, waiting, soliciting, are to me +impossible: I was disheartened, displeased, and thus all my brilliant +expectations came once more to nothing. I had not all this time +forgotten my dear Madam de Warrens, but how was I to find her? Where +should I seek her? Madam de Merveilleux, who knew my story, assisted me +in the search, but for a long time unavailingly; at length, she informed +me that Madam de Warrens had set out from Paris about two months before, +but it was not known whether for Savoy or Turin, and that some +conjectured she was gone to Switzerland. Nothing further was necessary +to fix my determination to follow her, certain that wherever she might +be, I stood more chance of finding her at those places than I could +possibly do at Paris. + +Before my departure, I exercised my new poetical talent in an epistle to +Colonel Godard, whom I ridiculed to the utmost of my abilities. I showed +this scribble to Madam de Merveilleux, who, instead of discouraging me, +as she ought to have done, laughed heartily at my sarcasms, as well as +her son, who, I believe, did not like M. Godard; indeed, it must be +confessed, he was a man not calculated to obtain affection. I was +tempted to send him my verses, and they encouraged me in it; accordingly +I made them up in a parcel directed to him, and there being no post then +at Paris by which I could conveniently send this, I put it in my pocket, +and sent it to him from Auxerre, as I passed through that place. I +laugh, even yet, sometimes, at the grimaces I fancy he made on reading +this panegyric, where he was certainly drawn to the life; it began thus: + + Tu croyois, vieux Penard, qu' une folle manie + D' elever ton neveu m'inspireroit l'envie. + +This little piece, which, it is true, was but indifferently written; did +not want for salt, and announced a turn for satire; it is, +notwithstanding, the only satirical writing that ever came from my pen. +I have too little hatred in my heart to take advantage of such a talent; +but I believe it may be judged from those controversies, in which from +time to time I have been engaged in my own defence, that had I been of a +vindictive disposition, my adversaries would rarely have had the laughter +on their side. + +What I most regret, is not having kept a journal of my travels, being +conscious that a number of interesting details have slipped my memory; +for never did I exist so completely, never live so thoroughly, never was +so much myself, if I dare use the expression, as in those journeys made +on foot. Walking animates and enlivens my spirits; I can hardly think +when in a state of inactivity; my body must be exercised to make my +judgmemt active. The view of a fine country, a succession of agreeable +prospects, a free air, a good appetite, and the health I gained by +walking; the freedom of inns, and the distance from everything that can +make me recollect the dependence of my situation, conspire to free my +soul, and give boldness to my thoughts, throwing me, in a manner, into +the immensity of beings, where I combine, choose and appropriate them to +my fancy, without constraint or fear. I dispose of all nature as I +please; my heart wandering from object to object, approximates and unites +with those that please it, is surrounded by charming images, and becomes +intoxicated with delicious sensations. If, attempting to render these +permanent, I am amused in describing to myself, what glow of coloring, +what energy of expression, do I give them!--It has been said, that all +these are to be found in my works, though written in the decline of life. +Oh! had those of my early youth been seen, those made during my travels, +composed, but never written!--Why did I not write them? will be asked; +and why should I have written them? I may answer. Why deprive myself of +the actual charm of my enjoyments to inform others what I enjoyed? What +to me were readers, the public, or all the world, while I was mounting +the empyrean. Besides, did I carry pens, paper and ink with me? Had I +recollected all these, not a thought would have occurred worth +preserving. I do not foresee when I shall have ideas; they come when +they please, and not when I call for them; either they avoid me +altogether, or rushing in crowds, overwhelm me with their force and +number. Ten volumes a day would not suffice barely to enumerate my +thoughts; how then should I find time to write them? In stopping, I +thought of nothing but a hearty dinner; on departing, of nothing but a +charming walk; I felt that a new paradise awaited me at the door, and +eagerly leaped forward to enjoy it. + +Never did I experience this so feelingly as in the perambulation I am now +describing. On coming to Paris, I had confined myself to ideas which +related to the situation I expected to occupy there. I had rushed into +the career I was about to run, and should have completed it with +tolerable eclat, but it was not that my heart adhered to. Some real +beings obscured my imagined ones--Colonel Godard and his nephew could not +keep pace with a hero of my disposition. Thank Heaven, I was soon +delivered from all these obstacles, and could enter at pleasure into the +wilderness of chimeras, for that alone remained before me, and I wandered +in it so completely that I several times lost my way; but this was no +misfortune, I would not have shortened it, for, feeling with regret, as I +approached Lyons, that I must again return to the material world, I +should have been glad never to have arrived there. + +One day, among others, having purposely gone out of my way to take a +nearer view of a spot that appeared delightful, I was so charmed with it, +and wandered round it so often, that at length I completely lost myself, +and after several hours' useless walking, weary, fainting with hunger and +thirst, I entered a peasant's hut, which had not indeed a very promising +appearance, but was the only one I could discover near me. I thought it +was here, as at Geneva, or in Switzerland, where the inhabitants, living +at ease, have it in their power to exercise hospitality. I entreated the +countryman to give me some dinner, offering to pay for it: on which he +presented me with some skimmed milk and coarse barley--bread, saying it +was all he had. I drank the milk with pleasure, and ate the bread, chaff +and all; but it was not very restorative to a man sinking with fatigue. +The countryman, who watched me narrowly, judged the truth of my story by +my appetite, and presently (after having said that he plainly saw I was +an honest, good--natured young man, and did not come to betray him) +opened a little trap door by the side of his kitchen, went down, and +returned a moment after with a good brown loaf of pure wheat, the remains +of a well-flavored ham, and a bottle of wine, the sight of which rejoiced +my heart more than all the rest: he then prepared a good thick omelet, +and I made such a dinner as none but a walking traveller ever enjoyed. + +When I again offered to pay, his inquietude and fears returned; he not +only would have no money, but refused it with the most evident emotion; +and what made this scene more amusing, I could not imagine the motive of +his fear. At length, he pronounced tremblingly those terrible words, +"Commissioners," and "Cellar-rats," which he explained by giving me to +understand that he concealed his wine because of the excise, and his +bread on account of the tax imposed on it; adding, he should be an undone +man, if it was suspected he was not almost perishing with want. What he +said to me on this subject (of which I had not the smallest idea) made an +impression on my mind that can never be effaced, sowing seeds of that +inextinguishable hatred which has since grow up in my heart against the +vexations these unhappy people suffer, and against their oppressors. +This man, though in easy circumstances, dare not eat the bread gained by +the sweat of his brow, and could only escape destruction by exhibiting an +outward appearance of misery!--I left his cottage with as much +indignation as concern, deploring the fate of those beautiful countries, +where nature has been prodigal of her gifts, only that they may become +the prey of barbarous exactors. + +The incident which I have just related, is the only one I have a distinct +remembrance of during this journey: I recollect, indeed, that on +approaching Lyons, I wished to prolong it by going to see the banks of +the Lignon; for among the romances I had read with my father, Astrea was +not forgotten and returned more frequently to my thoughts than any other. +Stopping for some refreshment (while chatting with my hostess), I +inquired the way to Forez, and was informed that country was an excellent +place for mechanics, as there were many forges, and much iron work done +there. This eulogium instantly calmed my romantic curiosity, for I felt +no inclination to seek Dianas and Sylvanders among a generation of +blacksmiths. The good woman who encouraged me with this piece of +information certainly thought I was a journeyman locksmith. + +I had some view in going to Lyons: on my arrival, I went to the +Chasattes, to see Mademoiselle du Chatelet, a friend of Madam de Warrens, +for whom I had brought a letter when I came there with M. le Maitre, +so that it was an acquaintance already formed. Mademoiselle du Chatelet +informed me her friend had passed through Lyons, but could not tell +whether she had gone on to Piedmont, being uncertain at her departure +whether it would not be necessary to stop in Savoy; but if I choose, +she would immediately write for information, and thought my best plan +would be to remain at Lyons till she received it. I accepted this offer; +but did not tell Mademoiselle du Chatelet how much I was pressed for an +answer, and that my exhausted purse would not permit me to wait long. +It was not an appearance of coolness that withheld me, on the contrary, +I was very kindly received, treated on the footing of equality, and this +took from me the resolution of explaining my circumstances, for I could +not bear to descend from a companion to a miserable beggar. + +I seem to have retained a very connecting remembrance of that part of my +life contained in this book; yet I think I remember, about the same +period, another journey to Lyons, (the particulars of which I cannot +recollect) where I found myself much straitened, and a confused +remembrance of the extremities to which I was reduced does not contribute +to recall the idea agreeably. Had I been like many others, had I +possessed the talent of borrowing and running in debt at every ale-house +I came to, I might have fared better; but in that my incapacity equalled +my repugnance, and to demonstrate the prevalence of both, it will be +sufficient to say, that though I have passed almost my whole life in +indifferent circumstances, and frequently have been near wanting bread, +I was never once asked for money by a creditor without having it in my +power to pay it instantly; I could never bear to contract clamorous +debts, and have ever preferred suffering to owing. + +Being reduced to pass my nights in the streets, may certainly be called +suffering, and this was several times the case at Lyons, having preferred +buying bread with the few pence I had remaining, to bestowing them on a +lodging; as I was convinced there was less danger of dying for want of +sleep than of hunger. What is astonishing, while in this unhappy +situation, I took no care for the future, was neither uneasy nor +melancholy, but patiently waited an answer to Mademoiselle du Chatelet's +letter, and lying in the open air, stretched on the earth, or on a bench, +slept as soundly as if reposing on a bed of roses. I remember, +particularly, to have passed a most delightful night at some distance +from the city, in a road which had the Rhone, or Soane, I cannot +recollect which, on the one side, and a range of raised gardens, with +terraces, on the other. It had been a very hot day, the evening was +delightful, the dew moistened the fading grass, no wind was stirring, +the air was fresh without chillness, the setting sun had tinged the +clouds with a beautiful crimson, which was again reflected by the water, +and the trees that bordered the terrace were filled with nightingales who +were continually answering each other's songs. I walked along in a kind +of ecstasy, giving up my heart and senses to the enjoyment of so many +delights, and sighing only from a regret of enjoying them alone. +Absorbed in this pleasing reverie, I lengthened my walk till it grew very +late, without perceiving I was tired; at length, however, I discovered +it, and threw myself on the step of a kind of niche, or false door, +in the terrace wall. How charming was the couch! the trees formed a +stately canopy, a nightingale sat directly over me, and with his soft +notes lulled me to rest: how pleasing my repose; my awaking more so. +It was broad day; on opening my eyes I saw the water, the verdure, and +the admirable landscape before me. I arose, shook off the remains of +drowsiness, and finding I was hungry, retook the way to the city, +resolving, with inexpressible gayety, to spend the two pieces of six +francs I had yet remaining in a good breakfast. I found myself so +cheerful that I went all the way singing; I even remember I sang a +cantata of Batistin's called the Baths of Thomery, which I knew by heart. +May a blessing light on the good Batistin and his good cantata, which +procured me a better breakfast than I had expected, and a still better +dinner which I did not expect at all! In the midst of my singing, +I heard some one behind me, and turning round perceived an Antonine, +who followed after and seemed to listen with pleasure to my song. +At length accosting me, he asked, If I understood music. I answered, +"A little," but in a manner to have it understood I knew a great deal, +and as he continued questioning of me, related a part of my story. +He asked me, If I had ever copied music? I replied, "Often," which was +true: I had learned most by copying. "Well," continued he, "come with +me, I can employ you for a few days, during which time you shall want for +nothing; provided you consent not to quit my room." I acquiesced very +willingly, and followed him. + +This Antonine was called M. Rotichon; he loved music, understood it, and +sang in some little concerts with his friends; thus far all was innocent +and right, but apparently this taste had become a furor, part of which he +was obliged to conceal. He conducted me into a chamber, where I found a +great quantity of music: he gave me some to copy, particularly the +cantata he had heard me singing, and which he was shortly to sing +himself. + +I remained here three or four days, copying all the time I did not eat, +for never in my life was I so hungry, or better fed. M. Rolichon brought +my provisions himself from the kitchen, and it appeared that these good +priests lived well, at least if every one fared as I did. In my life, I +never took such pleasure in eating, and it must be owned this good cheer +came very opportunely, for I was almost exhausted. I worked as heartily +as I ate, which is saying a great deal; 'tis true I was not as correct as +diligent, for some days after, meeting M. Rolichon in the street, he +informed me there were so many omissions, repetitions, and +transpositions, in the parts I had copied, that they could not be +performed. It must be owned, that in choosing the profession of music, +I hit on that I was least calculated for; yet my voice was good and I +copied neatly; but the fatigue of long works bewilders me so much, that +I spend more time in altering and scratching out than in pricking down, +and if I do not employ the strictest attention in comparing the several +parts, they are sure to fail in the execution. Thus, through endeavoring +to do well, my performance was very faulty; for aiming at expedition, +I did all amiss. This did not prevent M. Rolichon from treating me well +to the last, and giving me half-a-crown at my departure, which I +certainly did not deserve, and which completely set me up, for a few days +after I received news from Madam de Warrens, who was at Chambery, with +money to defray the expenses of my journey to her, which I performed with +rapture. Since then my finances have frequently been very low, but never +at such an ebb as to reduce me to fasting, and I mark this period with a +heart fully alive to the bounty of Providence, as the last of my life in +which I sustained poverty and hunger. + +I remained at Lyons seven or eight days to wait for some little +commissions with which Madam de Warrens had charged Mademoiselle du +Chatelet, who during this interval I visited more assiduously than +before, having the pleasure of talking with her of her friend, and being +no longer disturbed by the cruel remembrance of my situation, or painful +endeavors to conceal it. Mademoiselle du Chatelet was neither young nor +handsome, but did not want for elegance; she was easy and obliging while +her understanding gave price to her familiarity. She had a taste for +that kind of moral observation which leads to the knowledge of mankind, +and from her originated that study in myself. She was fond of the works +of Le Sage, particularly Gil Blas, which she lent me, and recommended to +my perusal. I read this performance with pleasure, but my judgment was +not yet ripe enough to relish that sort of reading. I liked romances +which abounded with high-flown sentiments. + +Thus did I pass my time at the grate of Mademoiselle du Chatelet, with as +much profit as pleasure. It is certain that the interesting and sensible +conversation of a deserving woman is more proper to form the +understanding of a young man than all the pedantic philosophy of books. +I got acquainted at the Chasattes with some other boarders and their +friends, and among the rest, with a young person of fourteen, called +Mademoiselle Serre, whom I did not much notice at that time, though I was +in love with her eight or nine years afterwards, and with great reason, +for she was a most charming girl. + +I was fully occupied with the idea of seeing Madam de Warrens, and this +gave some respite to my chimeras, for finding happiness in real objects +I was the less inclined to seek it in nonentities. I had not only found +her, but also by her means, and near her, an agreeable situation, having +sent me word that she had procured one that would suit me, and by which I +should not be obliged to quit her. I exhausted all my conjectures in +guessing what this occupation could be, but I must have possessed the art +of divination to have hit it on the right. I had money sufficient to +make my journey agreeable: Mademoiselle du Chatelet persuaded me to hire +a horse, but this I could not consent to, and I was certainly right, +for by so doing I should have lost the pleasure of the last pedestrian +expedition I ever made; for I cannot give that name to those excursions I +have frequently taken about my own neighborhood, while I lived at +Motiers. + +It is very singular that my imagination never rises so high as when my +situation is least agreeable or cheerful. When everything smiles around +me, I am least amused; my heart cannot confine itself to realities, +cannot embellish, but must create. Real objects strike me as they really +are, my imagination can only decorate ideal ones. If I would paint the +spring, it must be in winter; if describe a beautiful landscape, it must +be while surrounded with walls; and I have said a hundred times, that +were I confined in the Bastile, I could draw the most enchanting picture +of liberty. On my departure from Lyons, I saw nothing but an agreeable +future, the content I now with reason enjoyed was as great as my +discontent had been at leaving Paris, notwithstanding, I had not during +this journey any of those delightful reveries I then enjoyed. My mind +was serene, and that was all; I drew near the excellent friend I was +going to see, my heart overflowing with tenderness, enjoying in advance, +but without intoxication, the pleasure of living near her; I had always +expected this, and it was as if nothing new had happened. Meantime, +I was anxious about the employment Madam de Warrens had procured me, +as if that alone had been material. My ideas were calm and peaceable, +not ravishing and celestial; every object struck my sight in its natural +form; I observed the surrounding landscape, remarked the trees, the +houses, the springs, deliberated on the cross-roads, was fearful of +losing myself, yet did not do so; in a word, I was no longer in the +empyrean, but precisely where I found myself, or sometimes perhaps at +the end of my journey, never farther. + +I am in recounting my travels, as I was in making them, loath to arrive +at the conclusion. My heart beat with joy as I approached my dear Madam +de Warrens, but I went no faster on that account. I love to walk at my +ease, and stop at leisure; a strolling life is necessary to me: +travelling on foot, in a fine country, with fine weather and having an +agreeable object to terminate my journey, is the manner of living of all +others most suited to my taste. + +It is already understood what I mean by a fine country; never can a flat +one, though ever so beautiful, appear such in my eyes: I must have +torrents, fir trees, black woods, mountains to climb or descend, and +rugged roads with precipices on either side to alarm me. I experienced +this pleasure in its utmost extent as I approached Chambery, not far from +a mountain which is called Pas de l'Echelle. Above the main road, which +is hewn through the rock, a small river runs and rushes into fearful +chasms, which it appears to have been millions of ages in forming. The +road has been hedged by a parapet to prevent accidents, which enabled me +to contemplate the whole descent, and gain vertigoes at pleasure; for a +great part of my amusement in these steep rocks, is, they cause a +giddiness and swimming in my head, which I am particularly fond of, +provided I am in safety; leaning, therefore, over the parapet, I remained +whole hours, catching, from time to time, a glance of the froth and blue +water, whose rushing caught my ear, mingled with the cries of ravens, and +other birds of prep that flew from rock to rock, and bush to bush, at six +hundred feet below me. In places where the slope was tolerably regular, +and clear enough from bushes to let stones roll freely, I went a +considerable way to gather them, bringing those I could but just carry, +which I piled on the parapet, and then threw down one after the other, +being transported at seeing them roll, rebound, and fly into a thousand +pieces, before they reached the bottom of the precipice. + +Near Chambery I enjoyed an equal pleasing spectacle, though of a +different kind; the road passing near the foot of the most charming +cascade I ever saw. The water, which is very rapid, shoots from the top +of an excessively steep mountain, falling at such a distance from its +base that you may walk between the cascade and the rock without any +inconvenience; but if not particularly careful it is easy to be deceived +as I was, for the water, falling from such an immense height, separates, +and descends in a rain as fine as dust, and on approaching too near this +cloud, without perceiving it, you may be wet through in an instant. + +At length I arrived at Madam de Warrens; she was not alone, the +intendant-general was with her. Without speaking a word to me, she +caught my hand, and presenting me to him with that natural grace which +charmed all hearts, said: "This, sir, is the poor young man I mentioned; +deign to protect him as long as he deserves it, and I shall feel no +concern for the remainder of his life." Then added, addressing herself +to me, "Child, you now belong to the king, thank Monsieur the Intendant, +who furnishes you with the means of existence." I stared without +answering, without knowing what to think of all this; rising ambition +almost turned my head; I was already prepared to act the intendant +myself. My fortune, however, was not so brilliant as I had imagined, but +it was sufficient to maintain me, which, as I was situated, was a capital +acquisition. I shall now explain the nature of my employment. + +King Victor Amadeus, judging by the event of preceding wars, and the +situation of the ancient patrimony of his fathers, that he should not +long be able to maintain it, wished to drain it beforehand. Resolving, +therefore, to tax the nobility, he ordered a general survey of the whole +country, in order that it might be rendered more equal and productive. +This scheme, which was begun under the father, was completed by the son: +two or three hundred men, part surveyors, who were called geometricians, +and part writers, who were called secretaries, were employed in this +work: among those of the latter description Madam de Warrens had got me +appointed. This post, without being very lucrative, furnished the means +of living eligibly in that country; the misfortune was, this employment +could not be of any great duration, but it put me in train to procure +something better, as by this means she hoped to insure the particular +protection of the intendant, who might find me some more settled +occupation before this was concluded. + +I entered on my new employment a few days after my arrival, and as there +was no great difficulty in the business, soon understood it; thus, after +four or five years of unsettled life, folly, and suffering, since my +departure from Geneva, I began, for the first time, to gain my bread with +credit. + +These long details of my early youth must have appeared trifling, and I +am sorry for it: though born a man, in a variety of instances, I was long +a child, and am so yet in many particulars. I did not promise the public +a great personage: I promised to describe myself as I am, and to know me +in my advanced age it was necessary to have known me in my youth. As, +in general, objects that are present make less impression on me than the +bare remembrance of them (my ideas being all from recollection), the +first traits which were engraven on my mind have distinctly remained: +those which have since been imprinted there, have rather combined with +the former than effaced them. There is a certain, yet varied succession +of affections and ideas, which continue to regulate those that follow +them, and this progression must be known in order to judge rightly of +those they have influenced. I have studied to develop the first causes, +the better to show the concatenation of effects. I would be able by some +means to render my soul transparent to the eyes of the reader, and for +this purpose endeavor to show it in every possible point of view, to give +him every insight, and act in such a manner, that not a motion should +escape him, as by this means he may form a judgment of the principles +that produce them. + +Did I take upon myself to decide, and say to the reader, "Such is my +character," he might think that if I did not endeavor to deceive him, +I at least deceived myself; but in, recounting simply all that has +happened to me, all my actions, thoughts, and feelings, I cannot lead him +into an error, unless I do it wilfully, which by this means I could not +easily effect, since it is his province to compare the elements, and +judge of the being they compose: thus the result must be his work, and if +he is then deceived the error will be his own. It is not sufficient for +this purpose that my recitals should be merely faithful, they must also +be minute; it is not for me to judge of the importance of facts, I ought +to declare them simply as they are, and leave the estimate that is to be +formed of them to him. I have adhered to this principle hitherto, with +the most scrupulous exactitude, and shall not depart from it in the +continuation; but the impressions of age are less lively than those of +youth; I began by delineating the latter: should I recollect the rest +with the same precision, the reader, may, perhaps, become weary and +impatient, but I shall not be dissatisfied with my labor. I have but one +thing to apprehend in this undertaking: I do not dread saying too much, +or advancing falsities, but I am fearful of not saying enough, or +concealing truths. + + + + +ETEXT EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS: + +Have ever preferred suffering to owing +I was long a child, and am so yet in many particulars + + + + +End of this Project Gutenberg Etext of The Confessions of Rousseau, v4 +by Jean Jacques Rousseau + |