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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Wild Oats, by John O'Keeffe
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license
+
+
+Title: Wild Oats
+       or, The Strolling Gentlemen
+
+Author: John O'Keeffe
+
+Release Date: March 6, 2012 [EBook #39060]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WILD OATS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Delphine Lettau and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Canada Team at http://www.pgdpcanada.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+PAINTED BY SINGLETON. PUBLISHED BY LONGMAN AND CO. ENGRAVED BY FITTLER.
+
+LADY AMARANTH. -- AH, THOU SLY AND DECEITFUL HYPOCRITE!]
+
+
+
+
+  WILD OATS;
+
+
+  OR,
+  THE STROLLING GENTLEMEN;
+
+
+  A COMEDY,
+  IN FIVE ACTS;
+
+
+  AS PERFORMED AT THE
+  THEATRE ROYAL, COVENT GARDEN.
+
+
+  BY
+  JOHN O'KEEFFE, ESQ.
+
+
+  PRINTED UNDER THE AUTHORITY OF THE MANAGERS
+  FROM THE PROMPT BOOK.
+
+
+  WITH REMARKS
+  BY MRS. INCHBALD.
+
+
+  LONDON:
+
+  PRINTED FOR LONGMAN, HURST, REES, AND ORME,
+  PATERNOSTER ROW.
+
+
+  SAVAGE AND EASINGWOOD,
+  PRINTERS, LONDON.
+
+
+
+
+REMARKS.
+
+
+With a double respect for talents, and for misfortune, these remarks
+are begun.
+
+The present comedy is written by O'Keeffe, who saw not the traces of
+his pen as he marked the paper; whose days pass away, uncheered by the
+sun or any visible object; but whose mind supports with resignation
+his bitter calamity, and is enlightened by imagination, whilst his
+eyes are shut in utter darkness.
+
+Were each close imitator of an author's style punishable by law, like
+the perpetrator of other wrongs, Mr. O'Keeffe might have been an
+independent, though not a happy man; for that source of a new kind of
+mirth, termed by some exquisite nonsense, of which he was the first
+discoverer, made the town so merry, that, like good wine, he might
+have sold it at any price; but this rich juice of hilarity, polluted
+by the false spirit of imitation, at length gave a stupor to those,
+whom the beverage had before revived; and the pure and the adulterated
+became distasteful together.
+
+This comedy is the only attempt of the author to produce a drama above
+opera and farce. His productions, in the latter species of writing,
+are perfect compositions: nothing of the kind can be superior to his
+"Agreeable Surprise," and his "Son-in-Law." He has a number of other
+farces of little less attraction; such as "Peeping Tom."--Another class
+after that, and each possessing infinite fancy, whim, and novelty.
+Still success did not follow all his productions: a few years past he
+wrote very frequently, and sometimes too hastily.
+
+On the first night of representing any of those whimsical dramas,
+amidst loud peals of laughter at the comic dialogue or incidents,
+there was generally a most affecting spectacle behind the curtain.
+O'Keeffe, stone-blind, (not an affliction of birth, but of late years)
+led by his little son, as a guide, down to the stage-door--to the
+lock of which he would anxiously place his ear to catch the quickest
+information how his work was received--and when, unhappily hisses from
+the audience would sound louder than applause--in strong agitation he
+would press his hands to each side of his head, as if he had yet one
+sense too much. Thus he would remain, without sight or hearing, till
+some unexpected sally of humour in his drama once more put the house
+in good temper, and they would begin to laugh and applaud;--on which,
+his son, rapid as lightning, would pull him by the elbow, and cry out,
+"Now, father, listen again."
+
+"Wild Oats," would not disgrace an author of much higher pretensions
+in dramatic writing than Mr. O'Keeffe. There is great pleasantry
+throughout the play, many natural touches of simplicity, and some
+well-written dialogues and sentiments. The plot is interesting, the
+characters new, or at least in new situations, and the whole forms an
+evening's entertainment for an auditor of taste--such a one having at
+the same time in his memory, certain popular sentences from certain
+well-known comedies and tragedies: for without intimate acquaintance
+with all the quotations made use of by the hero of the piece, it must
+totally lose its effect, and this hero appear like a madman.
+
+Perhaps, no comedy, on a first night, was ever more fortunate in a
+list of excellent comic actors to represent the characters.
+
+Lewis, in Rover, fervid as usual, seemed so enamoured of his stage
+exploits, that every spectator forgave him his folly, for the
+bewitching ardour with which he pursued it.
+
+In Ephraim, the quaker, the spirit moved Munden--as it always does--to
+act just as he should do.
+
+Quick was on the London stage when this play was first performed, and
+though Sir George Thunder was by no means a part best suited to his
+abilities--yet Quick gave comic importance to all he undertook.
+
+Mr. Thomas Blanchard, since dead, played the little part of Sim with
+wond'rous skill.
+
+Mrs. Pope (once Miss Young) was excellent in Lady Amaranth.
+
+And the silly Jane can never have so good a representative as Mrs.
+Wells.
+
+
+
+
+PERSONS REPRESENTED.
+
+
+  SIR GEORGE THUNDER    _Mr. Quick._
+  ROVER                 _Mr. Lewis._
+  HARRY                 _Mr. Holman._
+  BANKS                 _Mr. Hull._
+  JOHN DORY             _Mr. Wilson._
+  FARMER GAMMON         _Mr. Cubit._
+  LAMP                  _Mr. C. Powell._
+  EPHRAIM SMOOTH        _Mr. Munden._
+  SIM                   _Mr. Blanchard._
+  ZACHARIAH             _Mr. Rees._
+  MIDGE                 _Mr. Macready._
+  TRAP                  _Mr. Evatt._
+  TWITCH                _Mr. Rock._
+  LANDLORD              _Mr. Powell._
+
+  LADY AMARANTH         _Mrs. Pope._
+  AMELIA                _Miss Chapman._
+  JANE                  _Mrs. Wells._
+
+  _SCENE,--Part of Hampshire._
+
+
+
+
+WILD OATS.
+
+
+
+
+ACT THE FIRST.
+
+
+SCENE I.
+
+_A Parlour in_ LADY AMARANTH'S _House_.
+
+_Enter_ JOHN DORY.
+
+
+_John._ Fine cruizing this! without flip or biscuit! don't know who's
+the Governor of this here fort; but if he can victual us a few--how
+hollow my bread room sounds! [_Striking his sides._] I'm as empty as a
+stoved keg, and as tired as an old Dutchman--my obstinate master, Sir
+George, to tow my old hulk--aboard the house, ha, hoy!
+
+_Sir Geo._ [_Without._] John! John Dory!
+
+_John._ [_Sits._] I'm at anchor.
+
+     _Enter_ SIR GEORGE THUNDER.
+
+_Sir Geo._ I don't know who's house we've got into here, John; but
+I think, when he knows me, we may hope for some refreshment--Eh!
+[_Looking at_ JOHN.] was not I your captain?
+
+_John._ Yes; and I was your boatswain. And what of all that?
+
+_Sir Geo._ Then how dare you sit in my presence, you bluff head?
+
+_John._ Why, for the matter of that, I don't mind; but had I been
+your captain, and you my boatswain, the man, that stood by me at sea,
+should be welcome to sit before me at land.
+
+_Sir Geo._ That's true, my dear John; offer to stand up, and, damme,
+if I don't knock you down--zounds! I am as dry as a powder match--to
+sail at the rate of ten knots an hour, over fallow and stubble, from
+my own house, but half a league on this side of Gosport, and not catch
+these deserters!
+
+_John._ In this here chase you wanted the ballast of wisdom.
+
+_Sir Geo._ How, sirrah! hasn't my dear old friend, Dick Broadside, got
+the command of the ship I so often fought myself--to man it for him
+with expedition, didn't I (out of my own pocket) offer two guineas
+over the king's bounty to every seaman that would enter on board her?
+Hav'n't these three scoundrels fingered the shot, then ran, and didn't
+I do right to run after them? Damn the money! I no more mind that than
+a piece of clinker; but 'twas the pride of my heart to see my beloved
+ship (the Eagle) well mann'd, when my old friend is the commander.
+
+_John._ But since you've laid yourself up in ordinary, retired to live
+in quiet, on your estate, and had done with all sea affairs--
+
+_Sir Geo._ John, John, a man should forget his own convenience for his
+country's good.--Though Broadside's letter said these fellows were
+lurking about this part of Hampshire, yet still it's all hide and
+seek.
+
+_John._ Your ill luck.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Mine, you swab?
+
+_John._ Ay, you've money and gold; but grace and good fortune have
+shook hands with you these nineteen years, for that rogue's trick you
+play'd poor Miss Amelia, by deceiving her with a sham marriage, when
+you passed yourself for Captain Seymour, and then putting off to sea,
+leaving her to break her poor heart, and since marrying another lady.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Wasn't I forc'd to it by my father?
+
+_John._--Ay; because she had a great fortin, her death too was a
+judgment upon you.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Why, you impudent dog-fish!--upbraid me for running into
+false bay, when you were my pilot? Wasn't it you, even brought me the
+false clergyman that performed the sham marriage with Amelia?
+
+_John._ Yes, you think so; but I took care to bring you a real
+clergyman.
+
+_Sir Geo._ But is this a time or place for your lectures? At home,
+abroad, sea, or land, you will still badger me! mention my Wild Oats
+again and--you scoundrel, since the night my bedcurtains took fire,
+when you were my boatswain aboard the Eagle, you've got me quite into
+leading strings--you snatched me upon deck, and tossed me into the
+sea,--to save me from being burnt, I was almost drowned.
+
+_John._ You would but for me--
+
+_Sir Geo._ Yes, you dragged me out by the ear, like a waterdog--last
+week, 'cause you found the tenth bottle uncorked, you rushed in
+among my friends, and ran away with me; and, next morning Captain
+O'Shanaghan sends me a challenge for quitting the company, when he was
+in the chair! so, to save me from a headach, you'd like to've got my
+brains blown out.
+
+_John._ Oh, very well; be burnt in your bed, and tumble in the water,
+by jumping into boats, like a tight fellow as you are, and poison
+yourself with sloe juice; see if John cares a piece of mouldy biscuit
+about it. But I wish you hadn't made me your valet de shamber. No
+sooner was I got on shore, after five years dashing among rocks, shoals,
+and breakers, than you sets me on a high-trotting cart horse, which
+knockt me up and down like an old bomb-boat in the Bay of Biscay, and
+here's nothing to drink after all! Because at home you keep open
+house, you think every body else does the same.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Why, by sailing into this strange port, we may be more free
+than welcome.
+
+_John._ Holla! I'll never cease piping, 'till it calls up a drop to
+wet my whistle. [_Exit._
+
+_Sir Geo._ Yes, (as John Dory remarks) I fear my trip through life
+will be attended with heavy squalls and foul weather. When my conduct
+to poor Amelia comes athwart my mind, it's a hurricane for that day,
+and turn in at night, the ballad of "Margaret and William," rings in
+my ear. [_Sings._] "In glided Margaret's grimly ghost." Oh, zounds!
+the dismals are coming upon me, and can't get a cheering glass
+to--holloa!
+
+     _Enter_ EPHRAIM SMOOTH.
+
+_Eph._ Friend, what would'st thou have?
+
+_Sir Geo._ Grog.
+
+_Eph._ Neither man nor woman of that name abideth here.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Ha, ha, ha! man and woman! then if you'll bring me Mr.
+Brandy and Mrs. Water, we'll couple them, and the first child probably
+will be Master Grog.
+
+_Eph._ Thou dost speak in parables, which I understand not.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Sheer off with your sanctified poop, and send the gentleman
+of the house.
+
+_Eph._ The owner of this mansion is a maiden, and she approacheth.
+
+     _Enter_ LADY AMARANTH.
+
+_Lady Am._ Do I behold?--It is! how dost thou uncle?
+
+_Sir Geo._ Is it possible you can be my niece, Lady Maria Amaranth
+Thunder?
+
+_Lady Am._ I am the daughter of thy deceased brother Loftus, called
+Earl Thunder, but no lady, my name is Mary.
+
+_Sir Geo._ But, zounds! how is all this? Eh! unexpectedly find you in
+a strange house, of which old Sly here tells me you're the mistress;
+turned quaker, and disclaim your title!
+
+_Lady Am._ Thou know'st the relation to whose care my father left me?
+
+_Sir Geo._ Well! I know our cousin, old Dovehouse, was a quaker! but I
+didn't suspect he would have made you one.
+
+_Lady Am._ Being now gathered to his fathers, he did bequeath unto me
+his worldly goods; amongst them this mansion, and the lands around it.
+
+_Eph._ So thou becom'st and continue one of the faithful. I am
+executor of his will, and by it, I cannot give thee, Mary, possession
+of these goods, but on those conditions.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Tell me of your thee's and thou's, quaker's wills and
+mansions! I say, girl, though on the death of your father, my eldest
+brother, Loftus, Earl Thunder, from your being a female, his title
+devolved to his next brother, Robert; though, as a woman, you can't be
+an earl, nor as a woman, you can't make laws for your sex and our sex,
+yet, as the daughter of a peer, you are, and, by Heaven, shall be
+called Lady Maria Amaranth Thunder.
+
+_Eph._ Thou makest too much noise, friend.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Call me friend, and I'll bump your block against the
+capstern.
+
+_Eph._ Yea, this is a man of danger, and I will leave Mary to abide
+it. [_Exit._
+
+_Sir G._ 'Sfire, my lady--
+
+_Lady Am._ Title is vanity.
+
+     _Enter_ ZACHARIAH.
+
+_Zach._ Shall thy cook, this day, roast certain birds of the air,
+call'd woodcocks, and ribs of the oxen likewise?
+
+_Lady Am._ All. My uncle sojourneth with me peradventure, and my meal
+shall be a feast, friend Zachariah.
+
+_Zach._ My tongue shall say so, friend Mary.
+
+_Sir Geo._ [_Strikes him._] Sir George Thunder bids thee remember to
+call your mistress, Lady Amaranth.
+
+_Zach._ Verily, George.
+
+_Sir Geo._ George! sirrah, though a younger brother, the honour of
+knighthood was my reward for placing the glorious British flag over
+that of a daring enemy--therefore address me with respect.
+
+_Zach._ Yea, I do, good George. [_Exit._
+
+_Sir Geo._ George and Mary! here's levelling, here's abolition of
+title with a vengeance!
+
+_Lady Am._ Kinsman, be patient; thou, and thy son, my cousin Henry,
+whom I have not beheld, I think, these twelve years, shall be welcome
+to my dwelling. Where now abideth the youth?
+
+_Sir Geo._ At the Naval Academy, at Portsmouth.
+
+_Lady Am._ May I not see the young man?
+
+_Sir Geo._ What, to make a quaker of him?--No, no. But, hold, as she's
+now a wealthy heiress, her marrying my son Harry, will keep up and
+preserve her title in our own family too. [_Aside._] Would'st thou
+really be glad to see him? thou shalt, Mary. Ha, ha, ha! John Dory!
+[_Calling._] Here comes my valet de chambre.
+
+     _Enter_ JOHN DORY.
+
+_John._ Why, sir--such a breeze sprung up!
+
+_Sir Geo._ Avast, old man of war; you must instantly convoy my son
+from Portsmouth.
+
+_John._ Then I must first convoy him to Portsmouth, for he happens to
+be out of the dock already.
+
+_Sir Geo._ What wind now?
+
+_John._ You know, on our quitting harbour--
+
+_Sir Geo._ Damn your sea jaw, you marvellous dolphin, give the contents
+of your logbook in plain English.
+
+_John._ The young squire has cut and run.
+
+_Sir Geo._ What?
+
+_John._ Got leave to come to you: and master didn't find out before
+yesterday, that, instead of making for home, he had sheer'd off towards
+London; directly sent notice to you, and Sam has traced us all the way
+here to bring you the news.
+
+_Sir Geo._ What, a boy of mine quit his guns? I'll grapple him.--Come,
+John.
+
+_Lady Am._ Order the carriage for mine uncle.
+
+_Sir Geo._ No, thank ye, my lady. Let your equipage keep up your own
+dignity. I have horses here; but I won't knock 'em up; next village is
+the channel for the stage--My lady, I'll bring the dog to you by the
+bowsprit.--Weigh anchor! crowd sail! and after him! [_Exit._
+
+     _Enter_ EPHRAIM. [_Peeping in._]
+
+_Eph._ The man of noise doth not tarry, then my spirit is glad.
+
+_Lady Am._ Let Sarah prepare chambers for my kinsman, and hire the
+maiden for me that thou didst mention.
+
+_Eph._ I will; for this damsel is passing fair, and hath found grace
+in mine eyes. Mary, as thou art yet a stranger in this land, and just
+taken possession of this estate, the laws of society command thee to
+be on terms of amity with thy wealthy neighbours.
+
+_Lady Am._ Yea; but while I entertain the rich, the hearts of the
+poor shall also rejoice; I myself will now go forth into the adjacent
+hamlet, and invite all that cometh, to hearty cheer.
+
+_Eph._ Yea, I will distribute among the poor good books.
+
+_Lady Am._ And meat and drink too, friend Ephraim. In the fulness of
+plenty, they shall join in thanksgiving for those gifts of which I am
+so unworthy. [_Exeunt._
+
+
+SCENE II.
+
+_A Road._
+
+_Enter_ HARRY THUNDER, _and_ MIDGE _follows, calling_.
+
+
+_Midge._ I say, Dick Buskin! harkye, my lad!
+
+_Harry._ What keeps Rover?
+
+_Midge._ I'm sure I don't know. As you desired, I paid for our
+breakfast. But the devil's in that fellow; every inn we stop at, he
+will always hang behind, chattering to the bar-maid, or chambermaid.
+
+_Harry._ Or any, or no maid. But he's a worthy lad; and I love him
+better, I think, than my own brother, had I one.
+
+_Midge._ Oh! but, Dick, mind, my boy.
+
+_Harry._ Stop, Midge. Though 'twas my orders, when I set out on this
+scamper with the players, (the better to conceal my quality,) for you,
+before people, to treat me as your companion; yet, at the same time,
+you should have had discretion enough to remember, when we're alone,
+that I am still your master, and son to Sir George Thunder.
+
+_Midge._ Sir, I ask your pardon; but by making yourself my equal, I've
+got so used to familiarity, that I find it curst hard to shake it off.
+
+_Harry._ Well, sir, pray mind, that familiarity is all over now. My
+frolic's out, I now throw off the player, and shall directly return.
+My father must by this time, have heard of my departure from the
+academy at Portsmouth; and, though I was deluded away by my rage for
+a little acting, yet 'twas wrong of me to give the gay old fellow any
+cause of uneasiness.
+
+_Midge._ And, sir, shall you and I never act another scene together?
+Shall I never again play Colonel Standard for my own benefit? Never
+again have the pleasure of caning your honour in the character of Tom
+Errand.
+
+_Harry._ In future, act the part of a smart hat and coat brusher; or
+I shall have the honour of kicking you in the character of an idle
+puppy. You were a good servant; but I find, by letting you crack your
+jokes, and sit in my company, you're grown quite a rascal.
+
+_Midge._ Yes, sir, I was a modest, well behaved lad; but evil
+communication corrupts good manners.
+
+_Harry._ Begone, sirrah, 'till I call for you. [_Exit_ MIDGE, _grumbling_.
+
+_Harry._ Well, if my father but forgives me.--This three month's
+excursion has shewn me some life, and a devilish deal of fun. For one
+circumstance, I shall ever remember it with delight. Its bringing me
+acquainted with Jack Rover. How long he stays! Jack! In this forlorn
+stroller, I have discovered qualities that honour human nature, and
+accomplishments that might grace a prince. I don't know a pleasanter
+fellow, except when he gets to his abominable habit of quotation. I
+hope he will not find the purse I've hid in his coat pocket, before
+we part. I dread the moment, but it's come.
+
+_Rover._ [_Without._] "The brisk li-li-lightening I."
+
+_Harry._ Ay, here's the rattle. Hurried on by the impetuous flow of
+his own volatile spirits, his life is a rapid stream of extravagant
+whim; and while the serious voice of humanity prompts his heart to the
+best of actions, his features shine in laugh and levity. Studying
+Bays, eh, Jack?
+
+     _Enter_ ROVER.
+
+_Rover._ "I am the bold Thunder."
+
+_Harry._ [_Aside._] I am, if he knew but all.--Keep one standing in
+the road.
+
+_Rover._ Beg your pardon, my dear Dick; but all the fault of--Plague
+on't, that a man can't sleep and breakfast at an inn, then return up
+to his bedchamber for his gloves that he'd forgot, but there he must
+find chambermaids, thumping feathers and knocking pillows about, and
+keep one when one has affairs and business. 'Pon my soul, these girls'
+conduct to us is intolerable. The very thought brings the blood into
+my face, and whenever they attempt to serve, provoke me so, damme but
+I will, I will--An't I right, Dick?
+
+_Harry._ No; "all in the wrong."
+
+_Rover._ No matter, Dick; that's the universal play "all round the
+wrekin:" but you are so conceited, because, by this company you're
+going to join at Winchester, you are engaged for high tragedy.
+
+_Harry._ And you for Rangers, Plumes, and Foppingtons.
+
+_Rover._ Our first play is Lear. I was devilish imperfect in Edgar,
+t'other night at Lymington. I must look it over. [_Takes out a book._]
+"Away, the foul fiend follows me!" Hollo! stop a moment, we shall have
+the whole county after us. [_Going._
+
+_Harry._ What now?
+
+_Rover._ That rosy faced chambermaid put me in such a passion, that,
+by Heaven, I walked out of the house, and forgot to pay our bill.
+[_Going._
+
+_Harry._ Never mind, Rover, it's paid.
+
+_Rover._ Paid! why, neither you nor Midge had money enough. No, really!
+
+_Harry._ Ha, ha, ha! I tell you 'tis.
+
+_Rover._ You paid? Oh, very well. Every honest fellow should be a
+stock purse. Come then, let's push on now. Ten miles to Winchester; we
+shall be there by eleven.
+
+_Harry._ Our trunks are booked at the inn for the Winchester coach.
+
+_Rover._ "Ay, to foreign climates my old trunk I bear." But I prefer
+walking to the car of Thespis.
+
+_Harry._ Which is the way?
+
+_Rover._ Here.
+
+_Harry._ Then, I go there. [_Pointing opposite._]
+
+_Rover._ Eh!
+
+_Harry._ My dear boy, on this spot, and at this moment, we must part.
+
+_Rover._ Part!
+
+_Harry._ Rover, you wish me well.
+
+_Rover._ Well, and suppose so. Part, eh! What mystery and grand?
+What are you at? Do you forget,--you, Midge, and I, are engaged to
+Truncheon, the manager, and that the bills are already up with our
+names to-night to play at Winchester?
+
+_Harry._ Jack, you and I have often met on a stage in assumed
+characters; if it's your wish we should ever meet again in our real
+ones, of sincere friends, without asking whither I go, or my motives
+for leaving you, when I walk up this road, do you turn down that.
+
+_Rover._ Joke!
+
+_Harry._ I'm serious. Good b'ye!
+
+_Rover._ If you repent your engagement with Truncheon, I'll break off
+too, and go with you wherever--[_Takes him under the arm._]
+
+_Harry._ Attempt to follow me, and even our acquaintance ends.
+
+_Rover._ Eh!
+
+_Harry._ Don't think of my reasons, only that it must be.
+
+_Rover._ Have I done any thing to Dick Buskin? leave me! [_Turns and
+puts his handkerchief to his eyes._]
+
+_Harry._ I am as much concerned as you to--Good b'ye!
+
+_Rover._ I can't even bid him--I won't neither--If any cause could
+have given--Farewell.
+
+_Harry._ Bless my poor fellow! Adieu. [_Silently weeps._]
+
+[_Exeunt several ways._
+
+
+
+
+ACT THE SECOND.
+
+
+SCENE I.
+
+_A Village, a Farm House, and near it, a Cottage._
+
+_Enter_ FARMER GAMMON _and_ EPHRAIM.
+
+
+_F. Gam._ Well, Master Ephraim, I may depend on thee, as you quakers
+never break your words.
+
+_Eph._ I have spoken to Mary, and she, at my request, consenteth to
+take thy daughter, Jane, as her handmaid.
+
+_F. Gam._ Very good of you.
+
+_Eph._ Goodness I do like, and also--comely Jane. [_Aside._] The
+maiden I will prefer, for the sake of--myself. [_Aside._]
+
+_F. Gam._ I intended to make a present to the person that does me such
+a piece of service; but I shan't affront you with it.
+
+_Eph._ I am meek and humble, and must take affronts.
+
+_F. Gam._ Then here's a guinea, master Ephraim.
+
+_Eph._ I expected not this; but there is no harm in a guinea. [_Exit._
+
+_F. Gam._ So I shall get my children off my hands. My son, Sim, is
+robbing me day and night,--giving away my corn and what not among
+the poor.--My daughter Jane--when girls have nought to do, this
+love-mischief creeps into their minds, and then hey! they're for
+kicking up their heels.--Sim! [_Calling._]
+
+     _Enter_ SIM.
+
+_Sim._ Yes, feyther.
+
+_F. Gam._ Call your sister.
+
+_Sim._ Jane, feyther wants you.
+
+     _Enter_ JANE, _from the house, with linen she had been working_.
+
+_Jane._ Did you call me?
+
+_F. Gam._ I often told you both, (but it's now settled) you must go
+out into the world, and work for your bread.
+
+_Sim._ Well, feyther, whatever you think right, must be so, and I'm
+content.
+
+_Jane._ And I'm sure, feyther, I'm willing to do as you'd have me.
+
+_F. Gam._ There's ingratitude for you! When my wife died, I brought
+you both up from the shell, and now you want to fly off and forsake
+me.
+
+_Sim._ Why no; I'm willing to live with you all my days.
+
+_Jane._ And I'm sure, feyther, if it's your desire I'll never part
+from you.
+
+_F. Gam._ What, you want to hang upon me like a couple of leeches, ay,
+to strip my branches, and leave me a wither'd hawthorn! See who's yon.
+[_Exit_ SIM.
+
+Jane, Ephraim Smooth has hired you for Lady Amaranth.
+
+_Jane._ O lack! then I shall live in the great house.
+
+_F. Gam._ She has sent us all presents of good books, [_Gives her
+one._] to read a chapter in. That, when one's in a passion, gives a
+mon patience.
+
+_Jane._ Thank her good ladyship.
+
+_F. Gam._ My being incumbred with you both is the cause why old Banks
+won't give me his sister.
+
+_Jane._ That's a pity. If we must have a step-mother, Madam Amelia
+would make us a very good one. But I wonder how she can refuse you,
+feyther, for I'm sure she must think you a very portly man in your
+scarlet vest and new scratch. You can't think how parsonable you'd
+look, if you'd only shave twice a week, and put sixpence in the
+poor-box. [_Retires reading._]
+
+_F. Gam._ However, if Banks still refuses, I have him in my power.
+I'll turn them both out of their cottage yonder, and the bailiff shall
+provide them with a lodging.
+
+     _Enter_ BANKS.
+
+Well, neighbour Banks, once for all, am I to marry your sister?
+
+_Banks._ That she best knows.
+
+_F. Gam._ Ay, but she says she won't.
+
+_Banks._ Then I dare say she won't, for though a woman, I never knew
+her to speak what she didn't think.
+
+_F. Gam._ Then she won't have me? A fine thing this, that you and she,
+who are little better than paupers, dare be so damn'd saucy!
+
+_Banks._ Why, farmer, I confess we're poor: but while that's the worst
+our enemies can say of us, we're content.
+
+_F. Gam._ Od, dom it! I wish I had now a good, fair occasion to
+quarrel with him; I'd make him content with a devil to him; I'd
+knock'en down, send him to jail and--But I'll be up with him!
+
+     _Enter_ SIM.
+
+_Sim._ Oh, feyther, here's one Mr. Lamp, a ring-leader of showfolks
+come from Andover to act in our village. He wants a barn to play in,
+if you'll hire him yourn.
+
+_F. Gam._ Surely, boy. I'll never refuse money. But, lest he should
+engage the great room in the inn, run thou and tell him--Stop, I'll go
+myself--A short cut through that garden.--
+
+_Banks._ Why you, or any neighbour is welcome to walk in it, or to
+partake of what it produces, but making it a common thoroughfare is--
+
+_F. Gam._ Here, Sim, kick open that garden gate.
+
+_Banks._ What?
+
+_F. Gam._ Does the lad hear?
+
+_Sim._ Why yes, yes.
+
+_F. Gam._ Does the fool understand.
+
+_Sim._ Dang it, I'm as yet but young; but if understanding teaches
+me how to wrong my neighbour, I hope I may never live to years of
+discretion.
+
+_F. Gam._ What, you cur, do you disobey your feyther? Burst open the
+garden gate, as I command you.
+
+_Sim._ Feyther, he, that made both you and the garden, commands me not
+to injure the unfortunate.
+
+_F. Gam._ Here's an ungracious rogue! Then I must do it myself.
+[_Advances._]
+
+_Banks._ [_Stands before it._] Hold, neighbour. Small as this spot is,
+it's now my only possession: and the man shall first take my life, who
+sets a foot in it against my will.
+
+_F. Gam._ I'm in such a passion.--
+
+_Jane._ [_Comes forward._] Feyther, if you're in a passion, read the
+good book you gave me.
+
+_F. Gam._ Plague of the wench! But, you hussey, I'll--and you, you
+unlucky bird! [_Exit_ SIM _and_ JANE.
+
+     [_A shower of rain._]--_Enter_ ROVER _hastily_.
+
+_Rover._ Zounds! here's a pelting shower, and no shelter! "Poor Tom's
+a-cold;" I'm wet through--Oh, here's a fair promising house. [_Going
+to Gammon's._]
+
+_F. Gam._ [_Stops him._] Hold, my lad. Can't let folks in, till I know
+who are they. There's a public house not above a mile on.
+
+_Banks._ Step in here, young man; my fire is small, but it shall cheer
+you with a hearty welcome.
+
+_Rover._ [_To_ BANKS.] The poor cottager! [_To_ GAMMON.] And the
+substantial farmer! [_Kneels._] "Hear, Nature, dear goddess, hear!
+If ever you designed to make his corn-fields fruitful, change thy
+purpose; that, from the blighted ear no grain may fall to fat his
+_stubble goose_--and, when to town he drives his hogs, so like himself,
+oh, let him feel the soaking rain; then may he curse his crime too
+late, and know how sharper than a serpent's tooth 'tis"--Damme, but
+I'm spouting in the rain all this time. [_Jumps up, and runs into_
+BANKS'S.
+
+_F. Gam._ Ay, neighbour, you'll soon scratch a beggar's head, if you
+harbour every mad vagrant. This may be one of the footpads, that, it
+seems, have got about the country; but I'll have an execution, and
+seize on thy goods, this day, my charitable neighbour! Eh, the sun
+strikes out, quite cleared up.
+
+     _Enter_ JANE.
+
+_Jane._ La, feyther, if there is'nt coming down the village--
+
+_F. Gam._ Ah, thou hussey!
+
+_Jane._ Bless me, feyther! No time for anger now. Here's Lady
+Amaranth's chariot, drawn by her new grand long-tailed horses.--La! it
+stops.
+
+_F. Gam._ Her ladyship is coming out, and walks this way.--She may
+wish to rest herself in my house. Jane, we must always make rich folks
+welcome.
+
+_Jane._ Dear me, I'll run in and set things to rights. But, feyther,
+your cravat and wig are all got so rumplified with your cross-grained
+tantarums.--I'll tie your neck in a big beau, and for your wig, if
+there is any flour in the drudging box--[_Adjusts them, and runs into
+the house._]
+
+_F. Gam._ Oh! the bailiff too that I engaged.
+
+     _Enter_ TWITCH.
+
+_Twitch._ Well, Master Gammon, as you desir'd, I'm come to serve this
+here warrant of yours, and arrest Master Banks; where is he?
+
+_F. Gam._ Yes, now I be's determined on't--he's--zounds! stand aside,
+I'll speak to you anon. [_Looking out._]
+
+     _Enter_ LADY AMARANTH, ZACHARIAH _following_.
+
+_Lady Am._ Friend, Jane, whom I have taken to be my handmaid, is thy
+daughter?
+
+_F. Gam._ Ay, so her mother said, an't please your ladyship.
+
+_Lady Am._ Ephraim Smooth acquainteth me thou art a wealthy yeoman.
+
+_F. Gam._ Why, my lady, I pay my rent.
+
+_Lady Am._ Being yet a stranger on my estate around here, I have
+passed through thy hamlet to behold with mine own eye the distresses
+of my poor tenants. I wish to relieve their wants.
+
+_F. Gam._ Right, your ladyship: for charity hides a deal of sins.
+How good of you to think of the poor! that's so like me; I'm always
+contriving how to relieve my neighbours--you must lay Banks in jail
+to-night. [_Apart to_ TWITCH.]
+
+     _Enter_ JANE.
+
+_Jane._ A'nt please you, will your ladyship enter our humble dwelling,
+and rest your ladyship in feyther's great cane bottom'd elbow chair
+with a high back. [_Curtsies._]
+
+_F. Gam._ Do, my lady. To receive so great a body from her own chariot
+is an honour I dreamt not of; though, for the hungry and weary foot
+traveller, my doors are always open, and my morsel ready. Knock; when
+he comes out, touch him. [_Aside to_ TWITCH.]
+
+_Lady Am._ Thou art benevolent, and I will enter thy dwelling with
+satisfaction.
+
+_Jane._ O precious! This way, my lady. [_Exeunt all but_ TWITCH.
+
+_Twitch._ Eh, where's the warrant? [_Feels his pocket, and knocks at_
+BANKS'S _door_.]
+
+     _Enter_ BANKS.
+
+_Banks._ Master Twitch! What's your business with me?
+
+_Twitch._ Only a little affair here against you.
+
+_Banks._ Me!
+
+_Twitch._ Yes; Farmer Gammon has bought a thirty pound note of hand of
+yours.
+
+_Banks._ Indeed! Well, I didn't think his malice could have stretched
+so far--I thought the love, he professed for my sister, might--why, it
+is true, Master Twitch, to lend our indigent cottagers small sums when
+they've been unable to pay their rents, I got lawyer Quirk to procure
+me this money, and hoped their industry would have put it in my power
+to take up my note before now. However, I'll go round and try what
+they can do, then call on you and settle it.
+
+_Twitch._ You must go with me.
+
+_Rover._ [_Without._] Old gentleman, come quick, or I'll draw another
+bottle of your currant wine.
+
+_Twitch._ You'd best not make a noise, but come. [_To_ BANKS.]
+
+     _Enter_ ROVER.
+
+_Rover._ Oh, you're here? Rain over--quite fine--I'll take a sniff of
+the open air too--Eh, what's the matter?
+
+_Twitch._ What's that to you?
+
+_Rover._ What's that to me? Why, you're a very unmannerly--
+
+_Twitch._ Oh, here's a rescue!
+
+_Banks._ Nay, my dear sir, I'd wish you not to bring yourself into
+trouble about me.
+
+_Twitch._ Now, since you don't know what's civil, if the debt's not
+paid directly, to jail you go.
+
+_Rover._ My kind, hospitable good old man to jail! What's the amount,
+you scoundrel.
+
+_Twitch._ Better words, or I'll--
+
+_Rover._ Stop; utter you a word good or bad, except to tell me what's
+your demand upon this gentleman, and I'll give you the greatest
+beating you ever got since the hour you commenced rascal. [_In a low
+tone._]
+
+_Twitch._ Why, master, I don't want to quarrel with you, because--
+
+_Rover._ You'll get nothing by it. Do you know, you villain, that I am
+this moment the greatest man living?
+
+_Twitch._ Who, pray?
+
+_Rover._ "I am the bold Thunder!" Sirrah, know that I carry my purse
+of gold in my coat-pocket. Though damme if I know how a purse came
+there. [_Aside, and takes it out._] There's twenty pictures of his
+majesty; therefore, in the king's name, I free his liege subject;
+[_Takes Banks away._] and now who am I? Ah, ah!
+
+_Twitch._ Ten pieces short, my master; but if you're a housekeeper
+I'll take this and your bail.
+
+_Rover._ Then for bail you must have a housekeeper? What's to be done!
+
+     _Enter_ GAMMON.
+
+Ah, here's old hospitality! I know you've a house, though your fire
+side was too warm for me. Lookye, here's some rapacious, griping
+rascal, has had this worthy gentleman arrested. Now a certain,
+good-for-nothing, rattling fellow has paid twenty guineas; you pass
+your word for the other nine, we'll step back into the old gentleman's
+friendly house, and over his currant wine, our first toast shall be,
+liberty to the honest debtor, and confusion to the hard hearted
+creditor.
+
+_Gam._ I shan't.
+
+_Rover._ Shan't! What's your name?
+
+_F. Gam._ Gammon.
+
+_Rover._ Gammon! Dem'me, you're the Hampshire hog. [_Exit_ F. GAMMON.
+'Sdeath! How shall I do to extricate--? I wish I had another purse in
+my waistcoat pocket.
+
+     _Enter_ LADY AMARANTH, _from_ GAMMON'S, ZACHARIAH _following_.
+
+_Lady Am._ What tumult's this?
+
+_Rover._ A lady! Ma'am, your most obedient humble servant. [_Bows._] A
+quaker too! They are generally kind and humane, and that face is the
+prologue to a play of a thousand good acts--may be she'd help us here.
+[_Aside._] Ma'am, you must know that--that I--no--this gentleman--I
+mean this gentleman and I--He got a little behind hand, as every honest,
+well principled man often may, from--bad harvests and rains--lodging
+corn--and his cattle--from murrain, and--rot the murrain! you know
+this is the way all this affair happened, [_To Banks._] and then up
+steps this gentleman, [_To Twitch._] with a--a tip in his way--madam,
+you understand? And then in steps I--with my a--In short, madam, I am
+the worst story teller in the world, where myself is the hero of the
+tale.
+
+_Twitch._ Mr. Banks has been arrested for thirty pounds, and this
+gentleman has paid twenty guineas of the debt.
+
+_Banks._ My litigious neighbour to expose me thus!
+
+_Lady Am._ The young man and maiden within, have spoken well of thy
+sister, and pictured thee as a man of irreproachable morals, though
+unfortunate.
+
+_Rover._ Madam, he's the honestest fellow--I've known him above forty
+years, he has the best hand at stirring a fire--If you was only to
+taste his currant wine.
+
+_Banks._ Madam, I never aspired to an enviable rank in life: but
+hitherto pride and prudence kept me above the reach of pity: but
+obligations from a stranger--
+
+_Lady Am._ He really a stranger, and attempt to free thee? But,
+friend, [_To Rover._] thou hast assumed a right which here belongeth
+alone to me. As I enjoy the blessings which these lands produce, I own
+also the heart delighting privilege of dispensing those blessings to
+the wretched. Thou mad'st thyself my worldly banker, and no cash of
+mine in thine hands, [_Takes a note from a pocket book._] but thus I
+balance our account. [_Offers it._]
+
+_Rover._ "Madam, my master pays me, nor can I take money from another
+hand, without injuring his honour, and disobeying his commands."
+
+  "Run, run, Orlando, carve on every tree,
+  The fair, the chaste, the unexpressive she."
+                                            [_Runs off._
+
+_Banks._ But, sir, I insist you'll return him his money. [_To
+Twitch._] Stop! [_Going._]
+
+_Twitch._ Aye, stop! [_Holds the skirt of his coat._]
+
+_Lady Am._ Where dwelleth he?
+
+_Banks._ I fancy, where he can, madam. I understand, from his
+discourse, that he was on his way to join a company of actors in the
+next town.
+
+_Lady Am._ A profane stage-player with such a gentle, generous heart!
+Yet so whimsically wild, like the unconscious rose, modestly shrinking
+from the recollection of its own grace and sweetness.
+
+     _Enter_ JANE, _from the house, more dressed_.
+
+_Jane._ Now, my lady, I'm fit to attend your ladyship. I look so
+genteelish, mayhap her ladyship may take me home with her.
+
+_Lady Am._ This maiden may find out for me whither he goeth.
+[_Aside._] Call on my steward, and thy legal demands shall be
+satisfied. [_To Twitch._]
+
+_Jane._ Here, coachman, drive up my lady's chariot, nearer to our
+door. [_Calls off._] Charott! If she'd take me with her, la! how all
+the folks will stare. [_Aside._] Madam, though the roads are so very
+dusty, I'll walk all the way on foot to your ladyship's house--ay,
+though I should spoil my bran new petticoat.
+
+_Lady Am._ Rather than sully thy garment, thou shalt be seated by me.
+Friend, be cheerful; thine and thy sister's sorrows shall be but an
+April shower.
+
+_Jane._ Oh, your ladyship!--Ecod, if I didn't think so--[_Aside._]
+
+     _Enter_ SIM.
+
+Here, you Sim, order the charott for us.
+
+_Sim._ Us! Come, come, Jane, I've the little tilt cart to carry you.
+
+_Jane._ Cart! [_Exeunt severally._
+
+
+SCENE II.
+
+_Before an Inn._
+
+_Enter_ ROVER _and_ WAITER.
+
+
+_Rover._ Hillo! friend, when does the coach set out for London?
+
+_Waiter._ In about an hour, sir.
+
+_Rover._ Has the Winchester coach passed?
+
+_Waiter._ No, sir. [_Exit._
+
+_Rover._ That's lucky! Then my trunk is here still. Go I will not.
+Since I've lost the fellowship of my friend Dick, I'll travel no more,
+I'll try a London audience, who knows but I may get an engagement.
+This celestial lady quaker! She must be rich, and ridiculous for such
+a poor dog as I am, even to think of her. How Dick would laugh at me
+if he knew--I dare say by this she has released my kind host from the
+gripe--I should like to be certain, though.
+
+     _Enter_ LANDLORD.
+
+_Land._ You'll dine here, sir? I'm honest Bob Johnstone; kept the Sun
+these twenty years. Excellent dinner on table at two.
+
+_Rover._ "Yet my love indeed is appetite; I'm as hungry as the sea,
+and can digest as much."
+
+_Land._ Then you won't do for my shilling ordinary, sir; there's a
+very good ordinary at the Saracen's head, at the end of the town.
+Shou'dn't have thought indeed, hungry foot travellers to eat
+like----coming, sir. [_Exit._
+
+_Rover._ I'll not join this company at Winchester. I will take a touch
+at a London theatre. The public there are candid and generous, and
+before my merit can have time to create enemies, I'll save money,
+and,--"a fig for the Sultan and Sophy."
+
+     _Enter_ JANE, _at the back, and_ SIM, _watching her_.
+
+_Jane._ Ay, that's he!
+
+_Rover._ But if I fail, by Heaven I'll overwhelm the manager, his
+empire, and--"himself in one prodigious ruin."
+
+_Jane._ Ruin! Oh Lord! [_Runs back._]
+
+_Sim._ What can you expect, when you follow young men? I've dodg'd you
+all the way.
+
+_Jane._ Well! wasn't I sent?
+
+_Sim._ Oh yes, you were sent--very likely. Who sent you?
+
+_Jane._ It was--I won't tell it's my lady, 'cause she bid me not.
+[_Aside._]
+
+_Sim._ I'll keep you from sheame--a fine life I should have in the
+parish, rare fleering, if a sister of moine should stand some Sunday
+at church in a white sheet, and to all their flouts what could I say?
+
+_Rover._ Thus, "I say my sister's wrong'd, my sister _Blowsabella_,
+born as high and noble as the _attorney_--do her justice, or by the
+gods I'll lay a scene of blood, shall make this _haymow_ horrible to
+Beebles."--"Say that, Chamont."
+
+_Sim._ I believe it's full moon. You go hoame to your place, and moind
+your business.
+
+_Jane._ My lady will be so pleas'd I found him! I don't wonder at it,
+he's such a fine spoken man.
+
+_Sim._ Dang it! Will you stand here grinning at the wild bucks.
+
+_Jane._ Perhaps the gentleman might wish to send her ladyship a
+compliment. An't please you, sir, if it's even a kiss between us two,
+it shall go safe; for, though you should give it me, brother Sim then
+can take it to my lady.
+
+_Rover._ "I kiss'd thee e'er I kill'd thee."
+
+_Jane._ Kill me!
+
+_Rover._ "No way but this, killing myself to die upon a kiss!"
+[_Advancing._]
+
+_Sim._ Go! [_To Jane--puts her out._]
+
+_Rover._ "Ay; to a nunnery go to." I'm cursedly out of spirits; but
+hang sorrow, I may as well divert myself.--"'Tis meat and drink for
+me to see a clown."--"Shepherd, was't ever at Court?"
+
+_Sim._ Not I.
+
+_Rover._ "Then thou art damn'd."
+
+_Sim._ Eh!
+
+_Rover._ Ay, "thou art damn'd like an ill roasted egg--all on one
+side."--Little Hospitality. [_Looking out._
+
+     _Enter_ FARMER GAMMON.
+
+_F. Gam._ Eh, where's the showman, that wants to hire my barn? So,
+Madam Jane, I place her out to sarvice, and instead of attending her
+mistress, she gets gallopping all about the village.--How's this, son?
+
+_Rover._ "Your son? Young Clodpate, take him to your wheat stack, and
+there teach him manners."
+
+_F. Gam._ Ah, thou'rt the fellow that would bolt out of the dirty
+roads into people's houses. Ho, ho, ho! Sim's schooling is mightily
+thrown away if he hasn't more manners than thou.
+
+_Sim._ Why, feyther, it is! Gadzooks, he be one of the play! Acted Tom
+Fool, in King Larry, at Lymington, t'other night--I thought I know'd
+the face, thof he had a straw cap, and a blanket about'n--Ho, ho! how
+comical that was when you said--
+
+_Rover._ "Pillicock sat upon Pillicock hill, pil--i--loo, loo!"
+
+_Sim._ That's it! He's at it! [_Claps._] Laugh, feyther.
+
+_F. Gam._ Hold your tongue, boy! I believe he's no better than he
+should be. The moment I saw him, says I to myself, _you are a rogue_.
+
+_Rover._ There you spoke truth for once in your life.
+
+_F. Gam._ I'm glad to hear you confess it. But her ladyship shall have
+the vagrants whipp'd out of the country.
+
+_Rover._ Vagrant! "Thou wretch! despite o'erwhelm thee!" "Only squint,
+and, by Heaven, I'll beat thy blown body till it rebounds like a
+tennis ball."
+
+_Sim._ Beat my feyther! No, no. Thou must first beat me. [_Puts
+himself in a posture of defence._]
+
+_Rover._ [_Aside, with great feeling._] "Though love cool, friendship
+fall off, brothers divide, subjects rebel, oh! never let the sacred
+bond be crack'd 'twixt son and father!"--I never knew a father's
+protection, never had a father to protect. [_Puts his handkerchief to
+his eyes._]
+
+_Sim._ Ecod! he's not acting now!
+
+     _Enter_ LANDLORD, _with a book, pen, and ink_.
+
+_F. Gam._ Landlord, is this Mr. Lamp here?
+
+_Land._ I've just opened a bottle for him and t'other in the parlour.
+
+_Rover._ "Go, father, with thy son; give him a livery more guarded
+than his fellows."
+
+_Sim._ Livery! Why, I be no sarvant man, though sister Jane is. Gi's
+thy hand. [_To Rover._] I don't know how 'tis; but I think I could
+lose my life for him; but mustn't let feyther be lickt though--No,
+no! [_Going, turns and looks at Rover._] Ecod, I ne'er shall forget
+Pillicock! [_Exeunt_ FARMER GAMMON _and_ SIM.
+
+_Rover._ Thou art an honest reptile, I'll make my entree on the London
+boards in Bayes, yes, I shall have no comparison against me. "Egad,
+it's very hard that a gentleman and an author can't come to teach
+them, but he must break his nose, and--and--all that--but--so the
+players are gone to dinner."
+
+_Land._ No such people frequent the Sun, I assure you.
+
+_Rover._ "Sun, moon, and stars!"--Now mind the eclipse, Mr. Johnson.
+
+_Land._ I heard nothing of it, sir.
+
+_Rover._ "There's the sun between the earth and moon--there's the moon
+between the earth and the sun, tol, lol, lol! dance the hay! Luna
+means to show her tail."
+
+     _Enter_ WAITER.
+
+_Waiter._ Two gentlemen in the parlour would speak with you.
+
+_Rover._ "I attend them, were they twenty times our mother."
+
+_Waiter._ Your mother, sir! why it is two gentlemen.
+
+_Rover._ Say I attend them with all respect and duty. [_Exit Waiter._
+
+_Land._ Sir, you go in the stage; as we book the passengers, what
+name?
+
+_Rover._ "I am the bold Thunder." [_Exit._
+
+_Land._ [_Writing._] Mr. Thunder.
+
+     _Enter_ JOHN DORY.
+
+_John._ I want two places in the stage coach, because I and another
+gentleman are going a voyage.
+
+_Land._ Just two vacant; what name?
+
+_John._ Avast! I go aloft. But let's see who'll be my master's
+messmates in the cabin: [_Reads._] Captain Muccolah, Counsellor
+Fazacherly, Miss Gosling, Mr. Thunder. What's this? speak, man! is
+there one of that name going?
+
+_Land._ Booked him this minute.
+
+_John._ If our voyage should now be at an end before we begin it?--If
+this Mr. Thunder should be my master's son!--What rate is this vessel?
+
+_Land._ Rate!
+
+_John._ What sort of a gentleman is he?
+
+_Land._ Oh; a rum sort of a gentleman; I suspect he's one of the
+players.
+
+_John._ True; Sam said it was some player's people coaxed him away
+from Portsmouth school. It must be the 'squire--show me where he's
+moored, my old purser. [_Exit, singing, and_ LANDLORD _following_.
+
+
+SCENE III.
+
+_A Room in the Inn._
+
+LAMP _and_ TRAP [_discovered drinking._]
+
+
+_Trap._ This same Farmer Gammon seems a surly spark.
+
+_Lamp._ No matter. His barn will hold a good thirty pounds, and if I
+can but engage this young fellow, this Rover, he'll cram it every
+night he plays. He's certainly a devilish good actor. Now, Trap, you
+must enquire out a carpenter, and be brisk about the building. I think
+we shall have smart business, as we stand so well for pretty women,
+too. Oh, here he is!
+
+_Trap._ Snap him at any terms.
+
+     _Enter_ ROVER.
+
+_Rover._ Gentlemen, your most obedient--The waiter told me--
+
+_Lamp._ Sir, to our better acquaintance. [_Fills._]
+
+_Rover._ I don't recollect I have the honour of knowing--
+
+_Lamp._ Mr. Rover, though I am a stranger to you, your merit is none
+to me.
+
+_Rover._ Sir. [_Bows._]
+
+_Lamp._ Yes, sir, my name is Lamp: I am manager of the company of
+comedians that's come down here, and Mr. Trap is my treasurer, engages
+performers, sticks bills, finds properties, keeps box-books, prompts
+play, and takes the town.
+
+_Trap._ The most reputable company, and charming money getting
+circuit. [_Apart to Rover._]
+
+_Rover._ Hav'n't a doubt, sir.
+
+_Lamp._ Only suffer me to put up your name to play with us six nights,
+and twelve guineas are yours.
+
+_Rover._ Sir, I thank you, and must confess your offer is liberal; but
+my friends have flattered me into a sort of opinion that encourages me
+to take a touch at the capital.
+
+_Lamp._ Ah, my dear Mr. Rover, a London theatre is dangerous ground.
+
+_Rover._ Why, I may fail, and gods may groan, and ladies drawl, "La,
+what an awkward creature!" But should I top my part, then shall gods
+applaud, and ladies sigh, "The charming fellow!" and treasurers smile
+upon me, as they count the shining guineas!
+
+_Lamp._ But, suppose--
+
+_Rover._ Ay, suppose the contrary, I have a certain friend here, in my
+coat pocket [_Puts his hand in his pocket._] Eh! zounds! where is--oh,
+the devil! I gave it to discharge my kind host--going for London, and
+not master of five shillings! [_Aside._] "Sir, to return to the twenty
+pounds."
+
+_Lamp._ Twenty pounds. Well, let it be so.
+
+_Rover._ Sir, I engage with you, call a rehearsal when and where you
+please, I'll attend.
+
+_Lamp._ Sir, I'll step for the cast book, and you shall chuse your
+characters.
+
+_Trap._ And, sir, I'll write out the play-bills directly. [_Exeunt_
+LAMP _and_ TRAP.
+
+_Rover._ Since I must remain here some time, and I've not the most
+distant hope of ever speaking to this goddess again, I wish I had
+inquired her name, that I might know how to keep out of her way.
+
+     _Enter_ JOHN DORY _and_ LANDLORD.
+
+_Landl._ There's the gentleman.
+
+_John._ Very well. [_Exit_ LANDLORD.] What cheer, ho, master squire?
+
+_Rover._ Cheer, ho! my hearty!
+
+_John._ The very face of his father! And an't you asham'd of yourself?
+
+_Rover._ Why, yes, I am sometimes.
+
+_John._ Do you know, if I had you at the gangways, I'd give you a
+neater dozen than ever you got from your schoolmaster's cat-a-nine
+tails.
+
+_Rover._ You woudn't sure?
+
+_John._ I would sure.
+
+_Rover._ Indeed?--Pleasant enough! who is this genius?
+
+_John._ I've dispatch'd a shallop to tell Lady Amaranth you're here.
+
+_Rover._ You havn't?
+
+_John._ I have.
+
+_Rover._ Now, who the devil's Lady Amaranth?
+
+_John._ I expect her chariot every moment, and when it comes, you'll
+get into it, and I'll get into it, and I'll set you down genteely at
+her house; then I'll have obeyed my orders, and I hope your father
+will be satisfied.
+
+_Rover._ My father! who's he pray?
+
+_John._ Pshaw! leave off your fun, and prepare to ask his pardon.
+
+_Rover._ Ha, ha, ha! Why, my worthy friend, you are totally wrong in
+this affair. Upon my word I'm not the person you take me for. [_Going._]
+
+_John._ You don't go, though they've got your name down in the stage
+coach book, Mr. Thunder.
+
+_Rover._ Mr. Thunder! stage coach book! [_Pauses._] ha, ha, ha! This
+must be some curious blunder.
+
+_John._ Oh! my lad, your father, Sir George, will change your note.
+
+_Rover._ He must give me one first. Sir George! then my father is a
+knight, it seems; ha, ha, ha! very good, faith! 'pon my honour, I am
+not the gentleman that you think me.
+
+_John._ I ought not to think you any gentleman for giving your honour
+in a falsehood. Oh! them play actors you went amongst have quite
+spoiled you. I wish only one of 'em would come in my way. I'd teach
+'em to bring a gentleman's son tramboozing about the country.
+
+     _Enter_ WAITER.
+
+_Waiter._ Her ladyship's chariot's at the door, and I fancy it's you,
+sir, the coachman wants.
+
+_John._ Yes, it's me. I attend your honour.
+
+_Rover._ Then you insist on it that I am--
+
+_John._ I insist on nothing, only you shall come.
+
+_Rover._ Indeed! Shall! Shall is a word don't sound over agreeable to
+my ears.
+
+_John._ Does a pretty girl sound well to your ear?
+
+_Rover._ "More music in the clink of her horses' hoofs than twenty
+hautboys." Why, is this Lady Thing-o-me pretty?
+
+_John._ Beautiful as a mermaid, and stately as a ship under sail.
+
+_Rover._ Egad! I've a mind to humour the frolic--Well, well, I'll see
+your mermaid. But then on the instant of my appearance the mistake
+must be discovered. [_Aside._] Harkye, is this father of mine you talk
+of at this lady's?
+
+_John._ No: your father's in chase of the deserters. I find he's
+afraid to face the old one, so, if I tell him, he won't go with me.
+[_Aside._] No, no, we shan't see him in a hurry.
+
+_Rover._ Then I'll venture. Has the lady ever seen me?
+
+_John._ Psha! none of your jokes, man; you know, that her ladyship, no
+more than myself, has set eyes upon you since you was the bigness of a
+rumbo canakin.
+
+_Rover._ The choice is made. I have my Ranger's dress in my trunk:
+"Cousin of Buckingham, thou sage grave man!"
+
+_John._ What?
+
+_Rover._ "Since you will buckle fortune on my back, to bear her
+burden, whether I will or no, I must have patience to endure the load;
+but if black scandal, or foul faced"----
+
+_John._ Black! my foul face was as fair as yours before I went to sea.
+
+_Rover._ "Your mere enforcement shall acquittance me."
+
+_John._ Man, don't stand preaching parson Sacks--come to the chariot.
+
+_Rover._ Ay, to the chariot! "Bear me, Bucephalus, among the
+billows,--hey! for the Tygris!" [_Exeunt._
+
+
+
+
+ACT THE THIRD.
+
+
+SCENE I.
+
+LADY AMARANTH'S _House_.
+
+_Enter_ LADY AMARANTH _and_ EPHRAIM.
+
+
+_Lady Am._ Though thou hast settled that distressed gentleman's debt,
+let his sister come unto me; and remit a quarter's rent unto all my
+tenants.
+
+_Eph._ As thou bid'st I have discharged from the pound the widow's
+cattle; but shall I let the lawsuit drop against the farmer's son who
+did shoot the pheasant?
+
+_Lady Am._ Yea; but instantly turn from my service the gamekeeper's
+man that did kill the fawn, while it was eating from his hand. We
+should hate guile, though we may love venison.
+
+_Eph._ I love a young doe.--[_Aside._] Since the death of friend
+Dovehouse, who, (though one of the faithful) was an active magistrate,
+this part of the country is infested with covetous men, called robbers,
+and I have, in thy name, said unto the people, whoever apprehendeth
+one of these, I will reward him, yea with thirty pieces of gold.
+[_A loud knocking without._] That beating of one brass against another
+at thy door, proclaimeth the approach of vanity, whose pride of heart
+swelleth at an empty sound. [_Exit._
+
+_Lady Am._ But my heart is possessed with the idea of that wandering
+youth, whose benevolence induced him to part with, perhaps, his
+all, to free the unhappy debtor. His person is amiable, his address
+(according to worldly modes) formed to please, to delight. But he's
+poor; is that a crime? Perhaps meanly born: but one good action is an
+illustrious pedigree. I feel I love him, and in that word are birth,
+fame, and riches.
+
+     _Enter_ JANE.
+
+_Jane._ Madam, my lady, an't please you--
+
+_Lady Am._ Didst thou find the young man, that I may return him the
+money he paid for my tenant?
+
+_Jane._ I found him, ma'am, and--I found him, and he talked of--what
+he said.
+
+_Lady Am._ What did he say?
+
+_Jane._ He saw me, ma'am--and call'd me Blowsabella, and said he
+would--I'll be hang'd, ma'am, if he didn't say he would--Now, think
+of that;--but if he hadn't gone to London in the stage coach--
+
+_Lady Am._ Is he gone? [_With emotion._
+
+     _Enter_ JOHN DORY.
+
+_John._ Oh, my lady, mayhap John Dory is not the man to be sent after
+young gentlemen that scamper from school, and run about the country
+play acting! Pray walk up stairs, Master Thunder: [_Calls off._]
+
+_Lady Am._ Hast thou brought my kinsman hither?
+
+_John._ Well, I havn't then.
+
+_Jane._ If you havn't, what do you make a talk about it?
+
+_John._ Well, don't give me your palaver, young Miss Slip Slop.--Will
+you only walk up, if you please, Master Harry?
+
+_Jane._ Will you walk up, if you please, Master Harry?
+
+_Lady Am._ Friendship requireth, yet I am not disposed to commune with
+company.--[_Aside._
+
+_Jane._ Oh, bless me, ma'am! if it isn't--
+
+     _Enter_ ROVER, _dressed_.
+
+_Rover._ "'Tis I, Hamlet the Dane!"--"Thus far into the bowels of the
+land, have we marched on."--"John, that bloody and devouring boar!"
+
+_John._ He called me bull in the coach.
+
+_Jane._ I don't know what brought such a bull in the coach.
+
+_Rover._ This the Lady Amaranth! By Heavens, the very angel quaker!
+
+_Lady Am._ [_Turns._] The dear, generous youth, my cousin Harry!
+
+_John._ There he's for you, my lady, and make the most of him.
+
+_Jane._ Oh, how happy my lady is! he looks so charming now he's fine.
+
+_John._ Harkye! she's as rich as a Spanish Indiaman; and I tell you,
+your father wishes you'd grapple her by the heart--court her, you mad
+devil. [_Apart to_ ROVER.] There's an engagement to be between these
+two vessels: but little Cupid's the only man that's to take minutes,
+so come. [_To_ JANE.]
+
+_Jane._ Ma'am, an't I to wait on you?
+
+_John._ No, my lass, you're to wait on me.
+
+_Jane._ Wait on this great sea-bull! lack-a-daisy! am I--am--
+
+_John._ By this, Sir George is come to the inn. Without letting the
+younker know, I'll go bring him here, and smuggle both father and son
+into a joyful meeting. [_Aside._]--[_To_ JANE.] Come now, usher me
+down like a lady.
+
+_Jane._ This way, Mr. Sailor Gentleman. [_Exeunt_ JOHN _and_ JANE.
+
+_Rover._ By Heavens, a most delectable woman! [_Aside._
+
+_Lady Am._ Cousin, when I saw thee in the village free the sheep from
+the wolf, why didst not tell me then thou wert son to my uncle, Sir
+George?
+
+_Rover._ Because, my lady, then I--did'nt know it myself--[_Aside._
+
+_Lady Am._ Why wouldst vex thy father, and quit thy school.
+
+_Rover._ "A truant disposition, good my lady, brought me from
+Wirtemberg."
+
+_Lady Am._ Thy father designs thee for his dangerous profession; but
+is thy inclination turned to the voice of trumpets, and smites of
+mighty slaughter?
+
+_Rover._ "Why, ma'am, as for old Boreas, my dad, when the blast of war
+blows in his ears, he's a tyger in his fierce resentment."--But for
+me, "I think it a pity, so it is, that villainous saltpetre should be
+digg'd out of the bowels of the harmless earth, which many a good tall
+fellow has destroyed, with wounds and guns, and drums, Heav'n save the
+mark!"
+
+_Lady Am._ Indeed thou art tall, my cousin, and grown of comely stature.
+Our families have long been separated.
+
+_Rover._ They have--Since Adam, I believe--[_Aside._] "Then, lady, let
+that sweet bud of love now ripen to a beauteous flower?"
+
+_Lady Am._ Love!
+
+_Rover._ "Excellent wench! perdition catch my soul, but I do love
+thee, and when I love thee not, chaos is come again."
+
+_Lady Am._ Thou art of an happy disposition.
+
+_Rover._ "If I were now to die, 'twere now to be most happy." "Let our
+senses dance in concert to the joyful minutes, and this, and this, the
+only discord make." [_Embracing._
+
+     _Enter_ JANE, _with cake and wine_.
+
+_Jane._ Ma'am, an't please you, Mr. Zachariah bid me----
+
+_Rover._ "Why, you fancy yourself Cardinal Wolsey in this family."
+
+_Jane._ No, sir, I'm not Cardinal Wolsey, I'm only my lady's maid
+here--Jenny Gammon, at your service.
+
+_Rover._ "A bowl of cream for your Catholic majesty."
+
+_Jane._ Cream! No, sir, it's wine and water.
+
+_Rover._ "You get no water, take the wine, great potentate."--
+[_Gives Lady_ AMARANTH _a glass, then drinks_.]
+
+_Jane._ Madam, my father begs leave--
+
+_Rover._ "Go, go, thou shallow Pomona."--[_Puts her out._] Eh! Zounds,
+here's my manager.
+
+     _Enter_ FARMER GAMMON _and_ LAMP.
+
+_F. Gam._ I hope her ladyship hasn't found out 'twas I had Banks
+arrested. [_Aside._]--Would your ladyship give leave for this here
+honest man and his comrades to act a few plays in the town, 'cause
+I've let'n my barn. 'Twill be some little help to me, my lady.
+
+_Rover._ My lady, I understand these affairs. Leave me to settle 'em.
+
+_Lady Am._ True; these are delusions, as a woman, I understand not.
+But by my cousin's advice I will abide; ask his permission.
+
+_Gam._ So; I must pay my respects to the young squire. [_Aside._] An't
+please your honour, if a poor man like me [_Bows._] durst offer my
+humble duty.--
+
+_Rover._ Canst thou bow to a vagrant. Eh, Little Hospitality?
+
+     [FARMER GAMMON _looks in his face, and sneaks off_.
+
+_Lamp._ Please your honour, if I may presume to hope you'll be
+graciously pleased to take our little squad under your honour's
+protection--
+
+_Rover._ Ha!
+
+_Lady Am._ What say'st thou, Henry?
+
+_Rover._ Ay, where's Henry? Gadso! True, that's me. Strange I should
+already forget my name, and not half an hour since I was christened!
+[_Aside._] Harkye! do you play yourself? Eh! Ha! Hem! [_Vapouring._]
+fellow?
+
+_Lamp._ Yes, sir; and sir, I have just now engaged a new actor, Mr.
+Rover. Such an actor!
+
+_Rover._ Eh! What! you've engaged that--what's his name, Rover? If
+such is your best actor, you shan't have my permission. My dear madam,
+the worst fellow in the world. Get along out of town, or I'll have all
+of you, man, woman, child, stick, rag, and fiddlestick, clapt into the
+whirligig.
+
+_Lady Am._ Good man, abide not here.
+
+_Rover._ Eh! What, my friend? Now, indeed, if this new actor you brag
+of, this crack of your company, was any thing like a gentleman--
+
+_Lamp._ [_Stares._] It isn't!
+
+_Rover._ It is. My good friend, if I was really the unfortunate poor
+strolling dog you thought me, I should tread your four boards, and
+crow the cock of your barn-door fowl; but as fate has ordained that
+I'm a gentleman, and son to Sir,--Sir,--what the devil's my father's
+name? [_Aside._] you must be content to murder Shakspeare without
+making me an accomplice.
+
+_Lamp._ But, my most gentle sir, I, and my treasurer, Trap, have
+trumpeted your fame ten miles round the country:--the bills are
+posted, the stage built, the candles booked, fiddles engaged; all
+on the tip-top of expectation. We should have to-morrow night an
+overflow, ay, thirty pounds. Dear, worthy sir, you wou'dn't go to
+ruin a whole community and their families that now depend only on
+the exertion of your brilliant talents.
+
+_Rover._ Eh! I never was uniform but in one maxim, that is, though I
+do little good, to hurt nobody but myself.
+
+_Lady Am._ Since thou hast promised, much as I prize my adherence to
+those customs in which I was brought up, thou shalt not sully thy
+honour by a breach of thy word. Play, if it can bring good to these
+people.
+
+_Rover._ Shall I?
+
+_Lady Am._ This falleth out well; for I have bidden all the gentry
+round unto my house warming, and these pleasantries may afford them a
+cheerful and innocent entertainment.
+
+_Rover._ True, my lady; your guests ar'n't quakers though you are,
+and when we ask people to our house, we study to please them, not
+ourselves. But if we do furbish a play or two, the muses sha'n't
+honour that churlish fellow's barn. No; the god, that illumines the
+soul of genius, should never visit the iron door of inhumanity. No
+Gammon's barn for me!--
+
+_Lady Am._ Barn! no; that gallery shall be thy theatre; and, in spite
+of the grave doctrines of Ephraim Smooth, my friends and I will behold
+and rejoice in thy pranks, my pleasant cousin.
+
+_Rover._ My kind, my charming lady! Hey, brighten up, bully Lamp,
+carpenters, tailor, manager, distribute your box tickets for my lady's
+gallery.--"Come, gentle coz,"
+
+  "The actors are at hand, and by their show
+   You shall know all
+   That you are like to know."         [_Exeunt._
+
+
+SCENE II.
+
+_The Inn._
+
+_Enter_ HARRY, _and_ MIDGE.
+
+
+_Harry._ Though I went back to Portsmouth academy with a contrite
+heart, to continue my studies, yet, from my father's angry letter, I
+dread a woeful storm at our first meeting. I fancy the people at this
+inn don't recollect me; it reminds me of my pleasant friend, poor Jack
+Rover, I wonder where he is now.
+
+_Midge._ And brings to my memory a certain stray vaguing acquaintance
+of mine, poor Dick Buskin.
+
+_Harry._ Ha, ha, ha! Then I desire, sir, you'll turn Dick Buskin again
+out of your memory.
+
+_Midge._ Can't, sir. The dear, good-natur'd, wicked son of a----beg
+your honour's pardon.
+
+_Harry._ Oh, but Midge, you must, as soon as I'm dressed, step out and
+enquire whose house is this my father's at; I did not think he had any
+acquaintance in this part of the country. Sound what humour he's in,
+and how the land lies, before I venture in his presence. [_Exeunt._
+
+     _Enter_ SIR GEORGE THUNDER, _agitated, and_ LANDLORD.
+
+_Sir Geo._ I can hear nothing of these deserters; yet, by my first
+intelligence, they'll not venture up to London. They must still be
+lurking about the country. Landlord, have any suspicious persons ever
+put in at your house?
+
+_Land._ Yes, sir; now and then.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Zounds! what do you do with them?
+
+_Land._ Why, sir, when a man calls for liquor that I think has no
+money, I make him pay beforehand.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Damn your liquor, you self-interested porpoise! Chatter
+your own private concerns, when the public good, or fear of general
+calamity, should be the only compass! These fellows, that I'm in
+pursuit of, have run from their ships; if our navy's unmann'd, what
+becomes of you and your house, you dunghill cormorant?
+
+_Land._ This is a very abusive sort of a gentleman; but he has a full
+pocket, or he wouldn't be so saucy. [_Aside._] [_Exit._
+
+_Sir Geo._ This rascal, I believe, doesn't know I'm Sir George
+Thunder. Winds, still variable, blow my affairs right athwart each
+other.--To know what's become of my runagate son Harry,--and there my
+rich lady niece, pressing and squeezing up the noble plumage of our
+illustrious family in her little mean quaker bonnet. But I must up to
+town after--'Sblood, when I catch my son Harry!--Oh, here's John Dory.
+
+     _Enter_ JOHN DORY.
+
+Have you taken the places in the London coach for me?
+
+_John._ Hahoy! your honour, is that yourself?
+
+_Sir Geo._ No, I'm beside myself--heard any thing of my son?--
+
+_John._ What's o'clock?
+
+_Sir Geo._ What do you talk of clocks or timepieces--All glasses,
+reck'ning, and log-line, are run mad with me.
+
+_John._ If it's two, your son is at this moment walking with Lady
+Amaranth in her garden.
+
+_Sir Geo._ With Lady Amaranth!
+
+_John._ If half after, they're cast anchor to rest themselves amongst
+the posies; if three, they're got up again; if four, they're picking a
+bit of cramm'd fowl; and, if half after, they're picking their teeth,
+and cracking walnuts over a bottle of Calcavella.
+
+_Sir Geo._ My son! my dear friend, where did you find him?
+
+_John._ Why, I found him where he was, and I left him where he is.
+
+_Sir Geo._ What, and he came to Lady Amaranth's?
+
+_John._ No; but I brought him there from this house, in her ladyship's
+chariot. I won't tell him Master Harry went amongst the players, or
+he'd never forgive him. [_Aside._] Oh! such a merry, civil, crazy,
+crack-brain! the very picture of your honour.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Ha, ha, ha! What, he's in high spirits? ha, ha, ha! the
+dog! [_Joyfully._] But I hope he's had discretion enough to throw a
+little gravity over his mad humour, before his prudent cousin.
+
+_John._ He threw himself on his knees before her, and that did quite
+as well.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Ha, ha, ha! made love to her already! Oh, the impudent, the
+cunning villain! What, and may be he--[_With great glee._]
+
+_John._ Indeed he did give her a smack.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Me; ha, ha, ha!
+
+_John._ Oh, he's yours! a chip of the old block.
+
+_Sir Geo._ He is! he is! ha, ha, ha!
+
+_John._ Oh, he threw his arms around her as eager as I would to catch
+a falling decanter of Madeira.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Huzza! victoria! Here will be a junction of bouncing
+estates! but, confound the money. John, you shall have a bowl for a
+jolly boat to swim in; roll in here a puncheon of rum, a hogshead of
+sugar, shake an orchard of oranges, and let the Landlord drain his
+fish-pond yonder. [_Sings._] "A bumper! a bumper of good liquor," &c.
+
+_John._ Then, my good master, Sir George, I'll order a bowl in, since
+you are in the humour for it--"We'll dance a little, and sing a
+little." [_Singing._] [_Exit._
+
+_Sir Geo._ And so the wild rogue is this instant rattling up her prim
+ladyship. Eh, isn't this he? Left her already!
+
+     _Enter_ HARRY.
+
+_Harry._ I must have forgot my cane in this room--My father! Eh!
+zounds!
+
+_Sir Geo._ [_Looks at his watch._] Just half after four! Why, Harry,
+you've made great haste in cracking your walnuts.
+
+_Harry._ Yes; he's heard of my frolics with the players. [_Aside._]
+Dear father, if you'll but forgive--
+
+_Sir Geo._ Why, indeed, Harry, you've acted very bad.
+
+_Harry._ Sir, it should be considered I was but a novice.
+
+_Sir Geo._ However, I shall think of nothing now but your benefit.
+
+_Harry._ Very odd, his approving of--[_Aside._] I thank you, sir, but,
+if agreeable to you, I've done with benefits.
+
+_Sir Geo._ If I wasn't the best of fathers, you might indeed hope none
+from me; but no matter, if you can but get the _fair quaker_.
+
+_Harry._ _Or the humours of the navy_, sir?
+
+_Sir Geo._ What, how dare you reflect on the humours of the navy? The
+navy has very good humours, or I'd never see your dog's face again,
+you villain! But I'm cool. What, eh, boy, a snug, easy chariot?
+
+_Harry._ I'll order it. Waiter, desire my father's carriage to draw
+up. [_Calls._
+
+_Sir Geo._ Mine, you rogue! I've none here. I mean Lady Amaranth's.
+
+_Harry._ Yes, sir; Lady Amaranth's chariot! [_Calling._]
+
+_Sir Geo._ What are you at? I mean that which you left this house in.
+
+_Harry._ Chariot! sir, I left this house on foot.
+
+_Sir Geo._ What, with John Dory?
+
+_Harry._ No, sir, with Jack Rover.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Why, John has been a rover to be sure; but now he's
+settled, since I've made him my valet de chambre.
+
+_Harry._ Make him your valet! Why, sir, where did you meet him?
+
+_Sir Geo._ Zounds! I met him on board, and I met him on shore, and the
+cabin, steerage, gallery, and forecastle. He sailed round the world
+with me.
+
+_Harry._ Strange this, sir! certainly I understood he had been in the
+East Indies; but he never told me he even knew you; but, indeed, he
+knew me only by the name of Dick Buskin.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Then how came he to bring you to Lady Amaranth's?
+
+_Harry._ Bring me where?
+
+_Sir Geo._ Answer me. Ar'n't you now come from her ladyship's.
+
+_Harry._ [_Stares._] Me? Not I.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Ha! this is a lie of John's, to enhance his own services.
+Then you have not been there?
+
+_Harry._ There! I don't know where you mean, sir.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Yes; 'tis all a brag of John's, but I'll--
+
+     _Enter_ JOHN DORY.
+
+_John._ The rum and sugar is ready; but as for the fish-pond--
+
+_Sir Geo._ I'll kick you into it, you thirsty old grampus.
+
+_John._ Will you? Then I'll make a comical roasted orange.
+
+_Sir Geo._ How dare you say you brought my son to Lady Amaranth's?
+
+_John._ And who says I did not?
+
+_Sir Geo._ He that best should know; only Dick Buskin here.
+
+_John._ Then Dick Buskin might find some other amusement than shooting
+off his guns here.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Did you bring my son to Lady Amaranth's in her chariot?
+
+_John._ And to be sure I did.
+
+_Sir Geo._ There, what do you say to that?
+
+_Harry._ I say it's false.
+
+_John._ False! Shiver my hulk, Mr. Buskin, if you wore a lion's skin,
+I'd curry you for this. [_Exit, in a rage._
+
+_Sir Geo._ No, no, John's honest; I see through it now. The puppy has
+seen her, perhaps he has the impudence not to like her, and so blows
+up this confusion and perplexity only to break off a marriage that
+I've set my heart on.
+
+_Harry._ What does he mean? Sir, I'll assure you--
+
+_Sir Geo._ Damn your assurance, you disobedient, ungrateful--I'll not
+part with you till I confront you with Lady Amaranth herself, face to
+face, and if I prove you've been deceiving me, I'll launch you into
+the wide ocean of life without rudder, compass, grog, or tobacco.
+[_Exeunt._
+
+
+
+
+ACT THE FOURTH.
+
+
+SCENE I.
+
+LADY AMARANTH'S _House_.
+
+_Enter_ LADY AMARANTH, _reading_.
+
+
+_Lady Am._ The fanciful flights of my pleasant cousin enchant my
+senses. This book he gave me to read containeth good moral. The man
+Shakspeare, that did write it, they call immortal; he must indeed
+have been filled with a divine spirit. I understand, from my cousin,
+the origin of plays were religious mysteries; that, freed from the
+superstition of early, and the grossness of latter, ages, the stage is
+now the vehicle of delight and morality. If so, to hear a good play,
+is taking the wholesome draught of precept from a golden cup, embossed
+with gems; yet, my giving countenance to have one in my house, and
+even to act in it myself, prove the ascendancy, that my dear Harry
+hath over my heart--Ephraim Smooth is much scandalized at these
+doings.
+
+     _Enter_ EPHRAIM.
+
+_Eph._ This mansion is now the tabernacle of Baal.
+
+_Lady Am._ Then abide not in it.
+
+_Eph._ 'Tis full of the wicked ones.
+
+_Lady Am._ Stay not amongst the wicked ones. [_Loud laughing without._
+
+_Eph._ I must shut mine ears.
+
+_Lady Am._ And thy mouth also, good Ephraim. I have bidden my cousin
+Henry to my house, and I will not set bounds to his mirth to gratify
+thy spleen, and show mine own inhospitality.
+
+_Eph._ Why dost thou suffer him to put into the hands of thy servants
+books of tragedies, and books of comedies, prelude, interlude, yea,
+all lewd. My spirit doth wax wrath. I say unto thee a playhouse is the
+school for the old dragon, and a playbook the primer of Belzebub.
+
+_Lady Am._ This is one; mark! [_Reads._] "Not the king's crown, nor
+the deputed sword, the marshal's truncheon, nor the judge's robe,
+become them with one half so good a grace as mercy doth. Oh, think
+on that, and mercy then will breathe within your lips like man new
+made!"--Doth Belzebub speak such words?
+
+_Eph._ Thy kinsman has made all the servants actors.
+
+_Lady Am._ To act well is good service.
+
+_Eph._ Here cometh the damsel for whom my heart yearneth.
+
+     _Enter_ JANE, _reading a paper joyfully_.
+
+_Jane._ Oh, ma'am, his honour the 'squire says the play's to be "As
+you like it."
+
+_Eph._ I like it not.
+
+_Jane._ He's given me my character. I'm to be Miss Audrey, and brother
+Sim's to be William of the forest, as it were. But how am I to get my
+part by heart?
+
+_Lady Am._ By often reading it.
+
+_Jane._ Well, I don't know but that's as good as any other. But I must
+study my part. "The gods give us joy." [_Exit._
+
+_Eph._ Thy maidens skip like young kids.
+
+_Lady Am._ Then do thou go skip with them.
+
+_Eph._ Mary, thou shou'd'st be obey'd in thine own house, and I will
+do thy bidding.
+
+_Lady Am._ Ah, thou hypocrite! To obey is easy when the heart commands.
+
+     _Enter_ ROVER, _pushing by_ EPHRAIM.
+
+_Rover._ Oh, my charming cousin, how agree you and Rosalind? Are you
+almost perfect? "Eh, what, all a-mort, old Clytus?" "Why, you're like
+an angry fiend broke in among the laughing gods."--Come, come, I'll
+have nothing here, but "Quips and cranks, and wreathed smiles, such as
+dwell on Hebe's cheek." [_Looking at_ LADY AMARANTH.
+
+_Lady Am._ He says we mustn't have this amusement.
+
+_Rover._ "But I'm a voice potential, double as the Duke's, and I say
+we must."
+
+_Eph._ Nay.
+
+_Rover._ Yea: "By Jupiter, I swear, aye." [_Music without._
+
+_Eph._ I must shut my ears. The man of sin rubbeth the hair of the
+horse to the bowels of the cat.
+
+     _Enter_ LAMP, _with a Violin_.
+
+_Lamp._ Now, if agreeable to your ladyship, we'll go over your song.
+
+_Eph._ I will go over it.
+
+     [_Snatches the book from_ LADY AMARANTH, _throws it on the
+       ground, and steps on it_.
+
+_Rover._ Trample on Shakspeare! "You sacrilegious thief, that, from a
+shelf the precious diadem stole, and put it in thy pocket!" [_Takes up
+the book and presents it again to_ LADY AMARANTH.] Silence, "thou owl
+of Crete," and hear the "Cuckoo's song."
+
+_Lady Am._ To practise it I'm content.
+
+    [LAMP _begins to play_. EPHRAIM _jostles him, and puts him
+     out of tune_.
+
+_Lamp._ Why, what's that for, my dear sir?
+
+_Eph._ Friend, this is a land of freedom, and I've as much right to
+move my elbow as thou hast to move thine. [ROVER _pushes him_.] Why
+dost thou so friend?
+
+_Rover._ Friend, this is a land of freedom, and I have as much right
+to move my elbow, as thou hast to move thine. [_Mimicking, shoves_
+EPHRAIM _out_.
+
+_Lady Am._ But, Harry, do your people of fashion act these follies
+themselves.
+
+_Rover._ Ay, and scramble for the top parts as eager as for star,
+ribband, place, or pension. Lamp, decorate the seats out smart and
+theatrical, and drill the servants that I've given the small parts
+to--[_Exit_ LAMP.
+
+_Lady Am._ I wished for some entertainment, (in which gay people now
+take delight,) to please those I have invited; but we'll convert these
+follies into a charitable purpose. Tickets for this day shall be
+delivered unto my friends gratis; but money to their amount, I will,
+from my own purse (after rewarding our assistants) distribute amongst
+the indigent of the village. Thus, whilst we please ourselves, and
+perhaps amuse our friends, we shall make the poor happy. [_Exit._
+
+_Rover._ An angel! If Sir George doesn't soon arrive, to blow me, I
+may, I think, marry her angelic ladyship; but will that be honest?
+She's nobly born, though I suspect I had ancestors too, if I knew
+who they were. I certainly entered this house the poorest wight in
+England, and what must she imagine when I am discovered? That I am a
+scoundrel; and, consequently, though I should possess her hand and
+fortune, instead of loving, she'll despise me----[_Sits down._] I want
+a friend now, to consult--deceive her I will not. Poor Dick Buskin
+wants money more than myself, yet this is a measure I'm sure he'd
+scorn. No, no, I must not.--
+
+     _Enter_ HARRY.
+
+_Harry._ Now I hope my passionate father will be convinced that this
+is the first time I ever was under this roof. Eh, what beau is here?
+Astonishing! My old strolling friend! [_Unperceived, sits by_ ROVER.
+
+_Rover._ Heigho! I don't know what to do.
+
+_Harry._ [_In the same tone._] "Nor what to say."
+
+_Rover._ [_Turns_] Dick Buskin! My dear fellow! Ha! ha! ha! Talk of
+the devil, and--I was just thinking of you--'Pon my soul, Dick, I'm so
+happy to see you! [_Shakes hands cordially._
+
+_Harry._ But, Jack, eh, perhaps you found me out?
+
+_Rover._ Found you! I'm sure I wonder how the deuce you found me out.
+Ah, the news of my intended play has brought you.
+
+_Harry._ He does'nt know as yet who I am; so I'll carry it on.
+[_Aside._] Then you too have broke your engagement with Truncheon, at
+Winchester; figuring it away in your stage clothes too. Really, tell
+us what you are at here, Jack?
+
+_Rover._ Will you be quiet with your Jacking? I'm now 'Squire Harry.
+
+_Harry._ What?
+
+_Rover._ I've been pressed into this service by an old man of war, who
+found me at the inn, and, insisting I am son to a Sir George Thunder,
+here, in that character, I flatter myself I have won the heart of the
+charming lady of this house.
+
+_Harry._ Now the mystery's out. Then it's my friend Jack has been
+brought here for me! [_Aside._] Do you know the young gentleman they
+take you for?
+
+_Rover._ No: but I flatter myself he is honoured in his representative.
+
+_Harry._ Upon my soul, Jack, you're a very high fellow.
+
+_Rover._ I am, now I can put some pounds in your pockets; you shall
+be employed--we're getting up "_As you like it._" Let's see, in the
+cast have I a part for you?--I'll take Touchstone from Lamp, you shall
+have it, my boy; I'd resign Orlando to you with any other Rosalind;
+but the lady of the mansion plays it herself, you rogue.
+
+_Harry._ The very lady my father intended for me. [_Aside._] Do you
+love her, Jack?
+
+_Rover._ To distraction; but I'll not have her.
+
+_Harry._ No! Why?
+
+_Rover._ She thinks me a gentleman, and I'll not convince her I am a
+rascal. I'll go on with our play, as the produce is appropriated to
+a good purpose, and then lay down my 'squireship, bid adieu to my
+heavenly Rosalind, and exit for ever from her house, poor Jack Rover.
+
+_Harry._ The generous fellow I ever thought him! and he sha'n't lose
+by it. If I could make him believe--[_Aside._] Well, this is the most
+whimsical affair! You've anticipated, superseded me, ha! ha! ha! You'll
+scarce believe that I'm come here too (purposely though) to pass
+myself for this young Henry.
+
+_Rover._ No!
+
+_Harry._ I am.
+
+_Sir Geo._ [_Without._] Harry, where are you?
+
+_Rover._ Eh! who's that?
+
+_Harry._ Ah! ah! ah! I'll try it; my father will be cursedly vexed;
+but no other way. [_Aside._
+
+_Rover._ Somebody called Harry--Zounds! "if the real Simon Pure"
+should be arrived, I'm in a fine way!
+
+_Harry._ Be quiet--that's my confederate.
+
+_Rover._ Eh!
+
+_Harry._ He's to personate the father, Sir George. He started the
+scheme, having heard that a union was intended, and Sir George not
+immediately expected--our plan is, if I can, before his arrival,
+flourish myself into the lady's good graces, and whip her up, as
+she's an heiress.
+
+_Rover._ But who is this comrade?
+
+_Harry._ One of our company, a devilish good actor in the old man.
+
+_Rover._ So you're turned fortune-hunter! Oh, oh! then 'twas on this
+plan that you parted with me on the road, standing like a finger post,
+"you walk up that way, and I must walk down this." [_Mimicks._] Why,
+Dick, I did'nt know you were half so capital a rogue.
+
+_Harry._ I did'nt know my forte lay that way, till persuaded by this
+experienced stager.
+
+_Rover._ He must be an impudent old scoundrel; who is he? Do I not
+know him?
+
+_Harry._ Why, no--I hope not. [_Aside._
+
+_Rover._ I'll step down stairs, and have the honour of--I'll kick him.
+
+_Harry._ Stop! No, I wou'dn't have him hurt neither.
+
+_Rover._ What's his name?
+
+_Harry._ His name is--is--Abrawang.
+
+_Rover._ Abrawang! Abrawang! I never heard of him; but, Dick, why would
+you let him persuade you to such a scandalous affair?
+
+_Harry._ Why faith, I would have been off it; but when once he takes a
+project into his head, the devil himself can't drive him out of it.
+
+_Rover._ Yes; but the constable may drive him into Winchester gaol.
+
+_Harry._ Eh! your opinion of our intended exploit has made me ashamed
+of myself--Ha! ha! ha! Harkey, Jack, to frighten and punish my adviser,
+do you still keep on your character of young 'Squire Thunder--you can
+easily do that, as he, no more than myself, has ever seen the young
+gentleman.
+
+_Rover._ But by Heavens I'll--"Quoit him down, Bardolph."
+
+_Harry._ Yes; but, Jack, if you can marry her, her fortune is a snug
+thing: besides, if you love each other--I tell you--
+
+_Rover._ Hang, her fortune! "My love, more noble than the world, prizes
+not quantity of dirty lands." Oh, Dick, she's the most lovely--she is
+female beauty in its genuine decoration! [_Exit._
+
+_Harry._ Ha! ha! ha! this is the drollest--Rover little suspects that
+I am the identical Squire Thunder that he personates--I'll lend him
+my character a little longer. Yes, this offers a most excellent
+opportunity of making my poor friend's fortune, without injuring any
+body; if possible, he shall have her. I can't regret the loss of
+charms I never knew; and, as for an estate, my father's is competent
+to all my wishes. Lady Amaranth, by marrying Jack Rover, will gain a
+man of honour, which she might miss in an earl--it may tease my father
+a little at first, but he's a good old fellow in the main; and, I
+think, when he comes to know my motive--Eh! this must be she--an
+elegant woman, faith! Now for a spanking lie, to continue her in the
+belief that Jack is the man she thinks him.
+
+     _Enter_ LADY AMARANTH.
+
+_Lady Am._ Who art thou, friend?
+
+_Harry._ Madam, I've scarce time to warn you against the danger you
+are in, of being imposed upon by your uncle, Sir George.
+
+_Lady Am._ How?
+
+_Harry._ He has heard of your ladyship's partiality for his son; but
+is so incensed at the irregularity of his conduct, he intends, if
+possible, to disinherit him; and, to prevent your honouring him with
+your hand, had engaged, and brought me hither, to pass me on you for
+him, designing to treat the poor young gentleman himself as an impostor,
+in hopes you'll banish him your heart and house.
+
+_Lady Am._ Is Sir George such a parent? I thank thee for thy
+caution.--What is thy name?
+
+_Harry._ Richard Buskin, ma'am; the stage is my profession. In the
+young 'squire's late excursion, we contracted an intimacy, and I
+saw so many good qualities in him, that I could not think of being
+the instrument of his ruin, nor deprive your ladyship of so good a
+husband, as I am certain he'll make you.
+
+_Lady Am._ Then Sir George intends to disown him?
+
+_Harry._ Yes, ma'am; I've this moment told the young gentleman of it;
+and he's determined, for a jest, to return the compliment, by seeming
+to treat Sir George himself as an impostor.
+
+_Lady Am._ Ha, ha, ha! 'twill be a just retaliation, and, indeed, what
+my uncle deserveth for his cruel intentions both to his son and me.
+
+_Sir Geo._ [_Without._] What, has he run away again?
+
+_Lady Am._ That's mine uncle.
+
+_Harry._ Yes; here is my father; and my standing out that I am not his
+son, will rouse him into the heat of battle, ha, ha, ha! [_Aside._]
+Here he is, madam, now mind how he will dub me 'squire.
+
+_Lady Am._ It's well I'm prepared, or I might have believed him.
+
+     _Enter_ SIR GEORGE.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Well, my lady, wasn't it my wild rogue set you to all the
+Calcavella capers you've been cutting in the garden? You see here I
+have brought him into the line of battle again--you villain, why do
+you drop astern there? Throw a salute shot, buss her bob-stays, bring
+to, and come down straight as a mast, you dog.
+
+_Lady Am._ Uncle, who is this?
+
+_Sir Geo._ Who is he! Ha, ha, ha! Gad, that's an odd question to the
+fellow that has been cracking your walnuts.
+
+_Lady Am._ He is bad at his lesson.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Certainly, when he ran from school--why don't you speak,
+you lubber? you're curst modest now, but before I came, 'twas all done
+amongst the posies--Here, my lady, take from a father's hand, Harry
+Thunder.
+
+_Lady Am._ That is what I may not.
+
+_Sir Geo._ There, I thought you'd disgust her, you flat fish!
+
+     _Enter_ ROVER.
+
+_Lady Am._ [_Taking_ ROVER'S _hand_.] Here, take from my hand, Harry
+Thunder.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Eh! [_Staring at_ ROVER.]
+
+_Rover._ Eh! Oh! this is your sham Sir George? [_Apart._
+
+_Harry._ Yes; I've been telling the lady, and she'll seem to humour
+him.
+
+_Rover._ I shan't though. [_To Harry._] How do you do, Abrawang?
+
+_Sir Geo._ Abrawang!
+
+_Rover._ You look like a good actor.--Ay, that's very well, indeed--never
+lose sight of your character--you know, Sir George is a noisy, turbulent,
+wicked old seaman.--Angry! bravo!--pout your under lip, purse your
+brows--very well! But, dem it, Abrawang, you should have put a little
+red upon your nose--mind a rule, ever play an angry old man, with a
+red nose.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Nose! [_Walks about in a passion._
+
+_Rover._ Very well! that's right! strut about on your little pegs.
+
+_Sir Geo._ I'm in such a fury.
+
+_Rover._ We know that. Your figure is the most happy comedy squab I
+ever saw; why only show yourself, and you set the audience in a roar.
+
+_Sir Geo._ 'Sblood and fire!
+
+_Rover._ "Keep it up, I like fun."
+
+_Lady Am._ Who is this? [_To_ SIR GEORGE, _pointing at_ ROVER.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Some puppy unknown.
+
+_Lady Am._ And you don't know this gentleman? [_To_ ROVER, _points to_
+SIR GEORGE.
+
+_Rover._ Excellently well; "He's a fishmonger."
+
+_Sir Geo._ A what?
+
+_Lady Am._ Yes, father and son are determined not to know each other.
+You know this youth? [_To_ ROVER.
+
+_Rover._ [_To_ HARRY.] "My friend, Horatio"--"I wear him in my heart's
+core, yea, in my heart of heart, as I do thee." [_Embracing._
+
+_Sir Geo._ Such freedom with my niece before my face! Do you know that
+lady, do you know my son, sir?
+
+_Rover._ Be quiet. "Jaffier has discovered the plot, and you can't
+deceive the senate."
+
+_Harry._ Yes, my conscience wou'dn't let me carry it through.
+
+_Rover._ "Ay, his conscience hanging about the neck of his heart,
+says, good Launcelot, and good Gobbo, as aforesaid, good Launcelot
+Gobbo, take to thy heels and run."
+
+_Sir Geo._ Why, my lady! explain, scoundrel, and puppy unknown.
+
+_Lady Am._ Uncle, I've heard thy father was kind to thee, return that
+kindness to thy child. If the lamb in wanton play doth fall among the
+waters, the shepherd taketh him out, instead of plunging him deeper
+till he dieth. Though thy hairs now be grey, I'm told they were once
+flaxen; in short, he is too old in folly, who cannot excuse it in
+youth. [_Exit._
+
+_Sir Geo._ I'm an old fool! Well, that's damn'd civil of you, madam
+niece, and I'm a grey shepherd--with her visions and her vines, and
+her lambs in a ditch; but as for you, young Mr. Goat, I'll butt
+you----
+
+_Rover._ My dear Abrawang, give up the game--her ladyship, in seeming
+to take you for her uncle, has been only humming you! What the devil,
+don't you think the fine creature knows her own true born uncle?
+
+_Sir Geo._ Certainly; to be sure she knows me.
+
+_Rover._ Will you have done? Zounds, man, my honoured father was here
+himself to-day--Her ladyship knows his person.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Your honoured father! and who's your honoured self?
+
+_Rover._ "Now by my father's son, and that's myself, it shall be sun,
+moon, or a Cheshire cheese--before I budge--still crossed and crossed."
+
+_Sir Geo._ What do you bawl out to me of a Cheshire cheese, I say--
+
+_Rover._ "And I say, as the saying is"--your friend Dick, has told me
+all; but to convince you of my forgiveness, in our play, as you're
+rough and tough, I'll cast you Charles the Wrestler, I do Orlando;
+I'll kick up your heels before the whole court.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Why, dam'me, I'll--And you, you undutiful chick of an old
+pelican--[_Lifting up his cane, to strike_ HARRY.
+
+     _Enter_ JOHN, _who receives the blow_.
+
+_John._ What are you at here? cudgelling the people about? But, Mr.
+Buckskin, I've a word to say to you in private.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Buckskin! take that. [_Beats him._
+
+     _Enter_ LAMP, TRAPP, _and two female_ SERVANTS.
+
+_Lamp._ "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women"----
+
+_Sir Geo._ The men are rogues, and the women hussies--I'll make a
+clear stage.
+
+     [_Beats them off--amongst the rest, strikes_ ROVER.
+
+_Rover._ "A blow! Essex, a blow"--An old rascally impostor
+stigmatizing me with a blow--no, I must not put up with it.--Zounds!
+I shall be tweaked by the nose all round the country--I'll follow
+him.--"Strike me! so may this arm dash him to the earth, like a dead
+dog despised--blindness and leprosy, lameness and lunacy, pride,
+shame, and the name of villain light on me, if I don't" bang--Mr.
+Abrawang. [_Exit._
+
+
+SCENE II.
+
+_Another Apartment._
+
+ _Enter_ LADY AMARANTH, _and_ BANKS.
+
+
+_Banks._ Madam, I could have paid the rent of my little cottage; but
+I dare say 'twas without your ladyship's knowledge, that your steward
+has turned me out, and put my neighbour in possession.
+
+_Lady Am._ My steward oppress the poor! I did not know it indeed.
+
+_Banks._ The pangs of adversity I could bear; but the innocent partner
+of my misfortunes, my unhappy sister--
+
+_Lady Am._ I did desire Ephraim to send for thy sister--Did she dwell
+with thee, and both now without a home? Let her come to mine.
+
+_Banks._ The hand of misery hath struck us beneath your notice.
+
+_Lady Am._ Thou dost mistake--To need my assistance is the highest
+claim to my attention; let me see her. [_Exit_ BANKS.] I could chide
+myself that these pastimes have turned my eye from the house of woe.
+Ah! think, ye proud and happy affluent, how many, in your dancing
+moments, pine in want, drink the salt tear; their morsel, the bread of
+misery, and shrinking from the cold blast into their cheerless hovels.
+
+     _Enter_ BANKS, _leading in_ AMELIA.
+
+_Banks_. Madam, my sister. [_Bows and retires._
+
+_Lady Am._ Thou art welcome--I feel myself interested in thy concerns.
+
+_Amelia._ Madam!
+
+_Lady Am._ I judge, thou wert not always unhappy.--Tell me thy
+condition, then I shall better know how to serve thee. Is thy brother
+thy sole kindred?
+
+_Amelia._ I had a husband, and a son.
+
+_Lady Am._ A widow! If it recall not images thou wouldst forget,
+impart to me thy story--'Tis rumoured in the village, thy brother is a
+clergyman--tell me.
+
+_Amelia._ Madam, he was; but he has lost his early patron, and is now
+poor and unbeneficed.
+
+_Lady Am._ But thy husband--
+
+_Amelia._ By this brother's advice, now twenty years since, I was
+prevailed on to listen to the addresses of a young sea officer, (for
+my brother has been a chaplain in the navy) but to our surprise and
+mortification, we discovered by the honesty of a sailor, in whom he
+put confidence, that the captain's design was only to decoy me into a
+seeming marriage; he ordered him to procure a counterfeit clergyman;
+our humble friend, instead of us, put the deceit upon his master, by
+concealing from him that my brother was in orders; he, flattered with
+the hopes of procuring me an establishment, gave in to the supposed
+imposture, and performed the ceremony.
+
+_Lady Am._ Duplicity, even with a good intent, is ill.
+
+_Amelia._ Madam, the event has justified your censure; for my husband,
+not knowing himself really bound by any legal tie, abandoned me--I
+followed him to the Indies, distracted, still seeking him--I left my
+infant at one of our settlements; but, after a fruitless pursuit, on
+my return, I found the friend, to whose care I had committed my child,
+was compelled to retire from the ravages of war, but where I could
+not learn. Rent with agonizing pangs, now without child or husband,
+I again saw England, and my brother; who, wounded with remorse, for
+being the cause of my misfortunes, secluded himself from the joys of
+social life, and invited me to partake the comforts of solitude in
+that humble asylum, from whence we've both just now been driven.
+
+_Lady Am._ My pity can do thee no good, yet I pity thee; but as
+resignation to what must be, may restore peace, if my means can
+procure thee comfort, they are at thy pleasure. Come, let thy griefs
+subside, instead of thy cottage, accept, thou and thy brother, every
+convenience that my mansion can afford.
+
+_Amelia._ Madam, I can only thank you with----[_Weeps._
+
+_Lady Am._ My thanks are here--Come, thou shalt be cheerful. I will
+introduce thee to my sprightly cousin Harry, and his father, my
+humourous uncle; we have delights going forward that may amuse thee.
+
+_Amelia._ Kind lady!
+
+_Lady Am._ Come, smile--though a quaker, thou seest I am merry--the
+sweetest joy of wealth and power is to cheer another's drooping heart,
+and wipe from the pallid cheek the tear of sorrow. [_Exeunt._
+
+
+
+
+ACT THE FIFTH.
+
+
+SCENE I.
+
+_A Road._
+
+_Enter three_ RUFFIANS, _dressed as Sailors_.
+
+
+_1st Ruff._ Well, now, what's to be done?
+
+_2d Ruff._ Why, we've been long upon our shifts, and after all our
+tricks, twists, and turns, as London was then too hot for us, our
+tramp to Portsmouth was a hit.
+
+_3d Ruff._ Ay; but since the cash we touched, upon pretending to be
+able bodied seamen, is now come to the last shilling, as we have
+deserted, means of a fresh supply to take us back to London, must be
+thought on.
+
+_2d Ruff._ Ay, how to recruit the pocket without hazarding the neck.
+
+_1st Ruff._ By an advertisement posted on the stocks yonder, there are
+collectors upon this road; thirty guineas are offered by the quaker
+lady, owner of the estate round here; I wish we could snap any straggler
+to bring before her. A quaker will only require a yea for an oath--we
+might sack these thirty guineas.
+
+_2d Ruff._ Yes; but we must take care, if we fall into the hands of
+this gentleman that's in pursuit of us----'Sdeath, isn't that his man,
+the old boatswain?
+
+_1st Ruff._ Don't run, I think we three are a match for him.
+
+_2d Ruff._ Instantly put on your characters of sailors; we may get
+something out of him: a pitiful story makes such an impression on the
+soft heart of a true tar, that he'll open his hard hand, and drop you
+his last guinea--If we can but make him believe we were pressed, we
+have him; only mind me.
+
+     _Enter_ JOHN DORY.
+
+_John._ To rattle my lantern, Sir George's temper now always blows a
+hurricane.
+
+_2d Ruff._ What cheer? [_To_ JOHN.
+
+_John._ Ha hoy!
+
+_3d Ruff._ Bob, up with your speaking trumpet.
+
+_2d Ruff._ Do you see, brother, this is the thing--
+
+     _Enter_ SIR GEORGE, _at the back, unperceived_.
+
+_Sir Geo._ If these should be my deserters. [_Aside._
+
+_1st Ruff._ We three hands, just come home after a long voyage, were
+pressed in the river, and without letting us see our friends, brought
+round to Portsmouth, and there we entered freely, cause why? We had no
+choice, then we run. We hear some gentleman is in chace of us, so as
+the shot are all out, we'll surrender.
+
+_John._ Surrender! Oh then you've no shot left indeed--let's see.
+[_Feels his pocket._] I hav'nt the loading of a gun about me now, and
+this same monsieur poverty is a bitter bad enemy.
+
+_Sir Geo._ They are the deserters that I've been after. [_Aside._
+
+_John._ Meet me in an hour's time in the little wood yonder; I'll
+raise a wind to blow you into safe latitude--keep out to sea, my
+master's the rock you'll certainly split upon.
+
+_2d Ruff._ This is the first time we ever saw you; but we'll steer
+by your chart, for I never knew one seaman to betray another.
+[_Exeunt_ RUFFIANS.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Then they have been pressed--I can't blame them so much for
+running away.
+
+_John._ Yes, Sir George would certainly hang them.
+
+_Sir Geo._ I wouldn't, they shall eat beef, and drink the king's
+health, run and tell them so--stop, I'll tell them myself.
+
+_John._ Why, now you are yourself, and a kind, good gentleman, as you
+used to be.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Since these idle rogues are inclined to return to their
+duty, they shan't want sea store--take them this money--but hold--I'll
+meet them myself, and advise them as I would my children. [_Exeunt
+severally._
+
+
+SCENE II.
+
+_A Wood._
+
+_Enter_ ROVER, _in his first clothes, greatly agitated, with pistols_.
+
+
+_Rover._ Which way did Mr. Abrawang take? Dick Buskin, I think, has no
+suspicion of my intentions:--such a choleric spark will fight, I dare
+say. If I fall, or even survive this affair, I leave the field of
+love, and the fair prize, to the young gentleman I've personated, for
+I'm determined to see Lady Amaranth no more--Oh, here comes Abrawang.
+
+     _Enter_ SIR GEORGE.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Now to relieve these foolish seagulls--they must be hovering
+about this coast--Ha! puppy unknown!--
+
+_Rover._ You're the very man I was seeking.--You are not ignorant, Mr.
+Abrawang--
+
+_Sir Geo._ Mr. what?
+
+_Rover._ You will not resign your title, ha, ha, ha! Oh, very well,
+I'll indulge you,--_Sir George Thunder_, you honoured me with a blow.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Did it hurt you?
+
+_Rover._ 'Sdeath! but let me proceed like a gentleman; as it's my
+pride to reject even favours, no man shall offer me an injury.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Eh!
+
+_Rover._ In rank we're equal.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Are we faith? [_Smiling._] The English of all this is,
+we're to fight.
+
+_Rover._ Sir, you have marked on me an indelible stain, only to be
+washed out by blood.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Why, I've only one objection to fighting you.
+
+_Rover._ What's that, sir?
+
+_Sir Geo._ That you're too brave a lad to be killed.
+
+_Rover._ Brave! No, sir; at present I wear the stigma of a coward.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Zounds! I like a bit of fighting--hav'n't had a morsel a
+long time--don't know when I've smelt gunpowder--but to bring down a
+woodcock.
+
+_Rover._ Take your ground.
+
+_Sir Geo._ But what are we to do for weapons?
+
+_Rover._ Here are weapons.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Well, this is bold work, for a privateer to give battle to
+a king's ship.
+
+_Rover._ Try your charge, sir, and take your ground.
+
+_Sir Geo._ I would not wish to sink, burn, or destroy, what I think
+was built for good service; but, damme, if I don't wing you, to teach
+you better manners.
+
+     _Enter the three_ RUFFIANS, _not perceiving_ ROVER.
+
+_3d Ruff._ Ay, here's the honest fellow has brought us some cash.
+[_Looking at_ SIR GEORGE.
+
+_2d Ruff._ We're betrayed, it's the very gentleman, that's in pursuit
+of us, and this promise was only a decoy to throw us into his power--The
+pistol!
+
+     [_Apart, and pointing to it._ SIR GEORGE _ramming the charge_.
+
+     [_2d_ RUFFIAN _seizes and wrenches the piece from_ SIR GEORGE.
+
+_Sir Geor._ Ah, boys!
+
+_2d Ruff._ You'd have our lives, now we'll have yours.
+
+    [_Presents the piece at_ SIR GEORGE; ROVER _advances quick,
+      and knocks it out of his hand_.
+                                             [_They run off._
+
+_Rover._ Rascals! [_Pursues them._
+
+_Sir Geor._ [_Takes up the other piece._] My brave lad! I'll--[_Going._
+
+     _Enter_ JOHN DORY.
+
+_John._ No, you shan't. [_Holding him._
+
+_Sir Geor._ The rogues will--
+
+_John._ Never mind the rogues--
+
+     [_Noise of fighting without, a piece let off._
+
+_Sir Geor._ S'blood! Must I see my preserver perish. [_Struggling._
+
+_John._ Well, I know I'm your preserver, and I will perish, but I'll
+bring you out of harm's way. [_Still holding him._
+
+_Sir Geor._ Though he'd fight me himself--
+
+_John._ Sure we all know you'd fight the devil.
+
+_Sir Geor._ He saved my life.
+
+_John._ I'll save your life [_Whips him up in his arms._] So hey! haul
+up, my noble little crab walk! [_Exit._
+
+
+SCENE III.
+
+_A Room in_ BANKS'S _Cottage_.
+
+_Enter_ FARMER GAMMON, BANKS, _and_ SIM.--SIM _writing, and crying_.
+
+
+_F. Gam._ Boy, go on with the inventory.
+
+_Sim._ How unlucky! Feyther to lay hold of me when I wanted to
+practise my part. [_Aside._
+
+_Banks._ This proceeding is very severe, to lay an execution on my
+wretched trifling goods when I thought--
+
+_F. Gam._ Ay, you know you've gone up to the big house with your
+complaint--her ladyship's steward, to be sure, has made me give back
+your cottage and farm; but your goods I seize for my rent.
+
+_Banks._ Only leave me a very few necessaries--by the goodness of my
+neighbours, I may soon redeem what the law has put into your hands.
+
+_F. Gam._ The affair is now in my lawyer's hands, and plaintiff and
+defendant chattering about it, is all smoke.
+
+_Sim._ Feyther, don't be so cruel to Mr. Banks.
+
+_F. Gam._ I'll mark what I may want to keep for myself. Stay here, and
+see that not a pin's worth be removed without my knowledge. [_To_ SIM.
+[_Exit._
+
+_Sim._ I'll be domm'd if I'll be your watch dog, to bite the poor,
+that I won't. Mr. Banks, as feyther intends to put up your goods at
+auction, if you could but get a friend to buy the choice of them for
+you again. Sister Jane has got steward to advance her a quarter's
+wages, and when I've gone to sell corn for feyther, besides presents,
+I've made a market penny now and then. Here--it's not much! but every
+little helps.
+
+     [_Takes out a small leather purse, and offers it to_ BANKS.
+
+_Banks._ I thank you, my good natured boy; but keep your money.
+
+_Sim._ Last summer, you saved me from being drowned in black pool, if
+you'll not take this, ecod, in there I'll directly fling it, and let
+old nick save it from being drowned, an'he can. [_Going._
+
+_Banks._ My kind lad, then I'll not hurt your feeling, by opposing
+your liberality. [_Takes it._
+
+_Sim._ He, he, he! you've now given my heart such a pleasure as I
+never felt, nor I'm sure feyther afore me.
+
+_Banks._ But, Sim, whatever may be his opinion of worldly prudence,
+still remember he's your parent.
+
+_Sim._ I will--"One elbow chair, one claw table." [_Exit, writing, and_
+BANKS.
+
+     _Enter_ AMELIA.
+
+_Amelia._ The confusion into which Lady Amaranth's family is thrown by
+the sudden departure, and apprehended danger of her young cousin, must
+have prevented her ladyship from giving that attention to our affairs,
+that I'm sure was her inclination. If I can but prevail on my brother
+too, to accept her protection--I can't enjoy the delights of her
+ladyship's hospitable mansion, and leave him here still subject to the
+insults of his churlish neighbour--Heavens! who's this? [_Retires._
+
+     _Enter_ ROVER _hastily, his hair and dress much disordered_.
+
+_Rover._ What a race [_Panting._] I've at last got from the blood
+hounds! Ah, if old Abrawang had but followed and backed me, we'd have
+tickled their catastrophes; but when they got me alone, three upon
+me were odds, so, safe's the word--who's house is this I've dash'd
+into?--Eh! the friendly cottage of my old gentleman! Are you at home?
+[_Calls._] Gadso! I had a hard struggle for it; yes, murder was their
+intent, so it was well for me that I was born without brains, I'm
+quite weak, faint! [_Leans against the wall._]
+
+_Amelia._ [_Advancing._] Sir, an't you well? [_With concern._]
+
+_Rover._ Madam, I ask pardon,--hem, yes, ma'am, very well, I thank
+you--now exceeding well--got into a fray there, in a kind of a hobble
+with some worthy gentlemen; only simple, honest farmers. I fancy
+mistook me for a sheaf of barley, for they down with me, and then
+thresh'd so heartily, gad, their flails flew merrily about my ears,
+but I up, and when I could no longer fight like a mastiff, why, I--run
+like a greyhound--But, dear ma'am, pray excuse me. Egad, this is very
+rude, faith.
+
+_Amelia._ You seem disturbed, [_With emotion._] will you take any
+refreshment?
+
+_Rover._ Madam, you're very good.--Only a little of your currant wine,
+if you please; if I don't forget, it stands--just--[_Points_--AMELIA
+_brings some from a beaufet._] Madam, I've the honour of drinking your
+health. [_Drinks._]
+
+_Amelia._ I hope you're not hurt, sir.
+
+_Rover._ "A little better, but very weak still"--I had a sample of
+this before, and liked it so much, that, madam--"Won't you take
+another?"
+
+_Amelia._ Sir!
+
+_Rover._ Madam, if you'd been fighting, as I have, you'd--well, well,
+[_Fills and drinks._] now I'm as well as any man--"In Illyria," got a
+few hard knocks though.
+
+_Amelia._ You'd better repose a little, you seem'd much disorder'd
+coming in.
+
+_Rover._ [_Places a chair, and both sit._] Why, ma'am, you must know
+thus it was--
+
+     _Enter_ SHERIFF'S OFFICER.
+
+_Off._ Come, ma'am, Mr. Gammon says this chair is wanted to make up
+the half dozen above. [_Lays hold of_ AMELIA'S _chair, she rises
+terrified_.]
+
+_Rover._ What, what's all this?
+
+_Off._ Why the furniture's seized on execution, and a man must do his
+duty.
+
+_Rover._ Then, scoundrel, know, that a man's first duty is civility
+and tenderness to a woman.
+
+_Amelia._ Heavens! where's my brother? This gentleman will bring
+himself into trouble.
+
+_Off._ Master, d'ye see, I'm representative for his honour the High
+Sheriff.
+
+_Rover._ Every High Sheriff should be a gentleman, and when he's
+represented by a rascal, he's dishonour'd.--Dem it, I might as well
+live about Covent Garden, and every night get beating the watch; for
+here, among groves and meadows, I'm always squabbling with constables.
+[_Whips up a stick from a corner of the room, and holds it behind
+him._]
+
+_Off._ Come, come, I must--
+
+_Rover._ "As you say, sir, last Wednesday, so it was"--Sir, your most
+obedient, humble servant--[_Bows respectfully._] Pray, sir, may I take
+the liberty to know, have you ever been astonished? [_With great
+ceremony._]
+
+_Off._ What?
+
+_Rover._ Because, sir, I intend to astonish you; my dear fellow, give
+me your hand. [_Takes his hand, and beats him_--] Now, sir, you are
+astonished?
+
+_Off._ Yes; but see if I don't suit you with an action.
+
+_Rover._ "Right, suit the action to the word, the word to the action;"
+"See if the gentlewoman be not affrighted"--"Michael, I'll make thee
+an example."
+
+_Off._ Yes, fine example, when goods are seized here by the law, and--
+
+_Rover._ "Thou worm and maggot of the law!" "Hop me over every kennel,
+or you shall hop without my custom."
+
+_Off._ I don't value your custom.
+
+_Rover._ You are astonished, now I'll amaze you.
+
+_Off._ No, sir, I won't be amazed--but only see if I don't--
+
+_Rover._ Hop!
+
+     [_Exit_ OFFICER _muttering and bullying, yet frightened_.
+
+Stop, ma'am, these sort of gentry are monstrous bad company for a
+lady--So I'll just see him to the door, and then I'll see him outside
+the door.--Ma'am, I'm your most obedient humble servant. [_Bows
+respectfully, and exit hastily_.]
+
+_Amelia._ I feel a strange curiosity to know who this young gentleman
+is. I find my heart interested, I can't account for--he must have
+known the house by the freedom--but then his gaiety, (without familiar
+rudeness) native elegance of manners, and good breeding, seem to make
+him at home any where.--My brother, I think, must know--
+
+     _Enter_ BANKS _hastily, and agitated_.
+
+_Banks._ Amelia, did you see the young gentleman that was here? Some
+ruffian fellows, and a posse of the country people have bound and
+dragged him from the door, on the allegation of three men, who mean to
+swear he has robbed them; and they have taken him to Lady Amaranth's.
+
+_Amelia._ How! He did enter here in confusion as if pursued; but I'll
+stake my life on his innocence. I'll speak to Lady Amaranth, and in
+spite of calumny, he shall have justice--he would not let me be
+insulted, because he saw me an unprotected woman, without a husband
+or a son, and shall he want an advocate? Brother, come. [_Exeunt._
+
+
+SCENE IV.
+
+LADY AMARANTH'S.
+
+_Enter_ JANE, _with a light_.
+
+
+_Jane._ I believe there's not a soul in the house but myself; my lady
+has sent all the folks round the country to search after the young
+'squire, she'll certainly break her heart if any thing happens to him;
+I don't wonder, for surely he's a dear, sweet gentleman: the pity of
+it is, his going spoils all our fine play, and I had just got my part
+quite by heart; however, I must do the room up for Mr. Banks's sister,
+that my lady has invited here. [_Adjusts her toilet._
+
+     _Enter_ EPHRAIM SMOOTH.
+
+_Eph._ The man John Dory has carried the man George hither in his
+arms, and has locked him up. Coming into the house, they did look to
+me like a blue lobster with a shrimp in his claws--Oh, here is the
+damsel I love, and alone.
+
+_Jane._ They say when folks look in the glass, at night, they see the
+black gentleman.
+
+    [_As she is looking in a glass_, EPHRAIM _goes and peeps over
+      her shoulders; she screams_.
+
+_Eph._ Thou art employed in vanity.
+
+_Jane._ Well, who wants you?
+
+_Eph._ It is natural for woman to love man.
+
+_Jane._ Yes; but not such ugly men as you are. Why would you come in
+to frighten me, when you know there's nobody here but ourselves.
+
+_Eph._ I am glad of that. I am the elm and thou the honey suckle; let
+thy arms entwine me.
+
+_Jane._ Oh, what a rogue is here! but yonder comes my lady, and I'll
+show him off to her in his true colours. [_Aside._
+
+_Eph._ Clasp me around.
+
+_Jane._ Well, I will, if you'll take off your hat, and make me a fine
+low bow.
+
+_Eph._ I cannot bend my knee, nor take off my beaver.
+
+_Jane._ Then you're very impudent--go along.
+
+_Eph._ But to win thy favour. [_Takes off his hat, and bows._
+
+_Jane._ Now kneel down to me.
+
+_Eph._ I cannot, but one lovely smile may smile me down. [_She smiles,
+he kneels._
+
+_Jane._ Well, now, read me a speech out of that fine play-book.
+
+_Eph._ I read a play! a-bo-mi-na-ti-on!--But, Jane, wilt thou kiss me?
+
+_Jane._ I kiss a man! a-bo-mi-na-ti-on! [_Mimicking._] but you may
+take my hand--
+
+_Eph._ Oh! 'tis a comfort to the lip of the faithful. [_Kisses her
+hand._
+
+     _Enter_ LADY AMARANTH.
+
+_Lady Am._ How! [_Taps him gently on the shoulder, he looks up
+confounded._] Ah, thou sly and deceitful hypocrite!
+
+_Eph._ Verily, Mary, I was buffetted by Satan, in the shape of a
+damsel.
+
+_Lady Am._ Begone!
+
+_Eph._ My spirit is sad, though my feet move so nimble. [_Exit very
+slow._
+
+_Lady Am._ But, Oh, Heavens, no tidings of my dearest Henry! Jane, let
+them renew their search.
+
+_Jane._ Here's Madam Amelia, you see I've got her room ready; but I'll
+go make brother Sim look for the young 'squire. [_Exit._
+
+     _Enter_ AMELIA.
+
+_Amelia._ Oh, madam, might I implore your influence with--
+
+_Lady Am._ Thou art ill accommodated here; but I hope thou wilt
+excuse--My mind is a sea of trouble, my peace shipwrecked--Oh, friend,
+hadst thou seen my cousin Harry, thou too, all who knew him, must be
+anxious for his safety.
+
+_John._ [_Without._] Heave a-head.
+
+     _Enters with_ SIR GEORGE.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Rascal! whip me up like a pound of tea, dance me about
+like a young bear, make me quit the preserver of my life! yes, puppy
+unknown will think me a poltroon, and that I was afraid to follow, and
+second him.
+
+_John._ Well, you may as well turn into your hammock; for out to-night
+you shall not budge--[_Sees Amelia._] Oh! marcy of Heaven! isn't it--Eh,
+master? Only give one look.
+
+_Amelia._ [_Seeing_ SIR GEORGE.] My husband!
+
+     [_Swoons_; LADY AMARANTH _supports her_.
+
+_Sir Geo._ 'Tis my Amelia!
+
+_John._ [_Stopping_ SIR GEORGE, _and looking attentively at_ AMELIA.]
+Reef the foresail! first, you cracked her heart by sheering off, and
+now you'll overset her by bringing to.
+
+_Lady Am._ Hold--soft!
+
+_Amelia._ Are you at length returned to me, my Seymour?
+
+_Lady Am._ Seymour! her mind is disturbed, this is mine uncle, Sir
+George Thunder.
+
+_John._ No, no, my lady, she knows what she's saying very well.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Niece, I have been a villain to this lady, I confess. But,
+my dear Amelia, Providence has done you justice in part. From the
+first month I quitted you, I have never entered one happy hour on my
+journal; hearing that you foundered, and considering myself the cause,
+the worm of remorse has gnawed my timbers.
+
+_Amelia._ You're not still offended with me?
+
+_Sir Geo._ Me! can you forgive my offence, and condescend to take my
+hand as an atonement?
+
+_Amelia._ Your hand! Do you forget that we are already married?
+
+_Sir Geo._ Ay, there was my rascality.
+
+_John._ You may say that.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Hold your tongue, you impudent crimp, you pander, you
+bad adviser--I'll strike my false colours--I'll now acknowledge the
+chaplain you provided was--
+
+_John._ Was a good man, and a greater honour to his black, than your
+honour has been to your blue cloth--Eh, by the word of a seaman, here
+he is himself.
+
+     _Enter_ BANKS.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Your brother!
+
+_Banks._ Captain Seymour! have I found you, sir?
+
+_Sir Geo._ My dear Banks, I'll make every reparation.--Amelia shall
+really be my wife.
+
+_Banks._ That, sir, my sister is already; for when I performed the
+marriage ceremony, which you took only as the cloak of your deception,
+I was actually in orders.
+
+_John._ Now, who's the crimp, and the pander? I never told you
+this since; because I thought a man's own reflections were the best
+punishment for betraying an innocent woman.
+
+_Lady Am._ Madam, my inmost soul partaketh of thy gladness, and joy
+for thy reformation. [_To_ SIR GEORGE.] But thy prior marriage to this
+lady, annuls the subsequent, and my cousin Harry is not now thy heir.
+
+_Sir Geo._ So much the better; he's an unnatural cub; but, Amelia, I
+flatter myself I have an heir, my infant boy.--
+
+_Amelia._ Ah, husband, you had; but--
+
+_Sir Geo._ Gone! well, well, I see I have been a miserable scoundrel
+--Eh, I will, yes, I'll adopt that brave kind lad, that wou'dn't let
+any body kill me but himself. He shall have my estate, that's my
+own acquisition--My lady, marry him, puppy unknown's a fine fellow!
+Amelia, only for him, you'd never have found your husband Captain
+Seymour in Sir George Thunder.
+
+_Amelia._ What?
+
+_Banks._ Are you Sir George Thunder?
+
+     _Enter_ LANDLORD, _followed by_ EPHRAIM.
+
+_Land._ Please you, madam, they've got a footpad in custody.
+
+_Eph._ I am come to sit in judgment, for there is a bad man in thy
+house, Mary. Bring him before me.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Before you, old squintabus? And perhaps you don't know I'm
+a magistrate?
+
+_Eph._ I'll examine him.
+
+_Sir Geo._ You be damn'd--I'll examine him myself, [_Shoves_ EPHRAIM.]
+Tow him in here. I'll give him a passport to Winchester bilboes.
+
+_Amelia._ [_Kneels to_ SIR GEORGE.] Oh, sir, as you hope for mercy,
+extend it to this youth; but even should he be guilty, which, from
+our knowledge of his benevolent and noble nature, I think next to an
+impossibility, let the services he has rendered to us--he protected,
+relieved your forsaken wife, and her unhappy brother, in the hour of
+want and sorrow.
+
+_Sir Geo._ What, Amelia, plead for a robber! Consider, my love,
+justice is above bias or partiality. If my son violated the laws of
+his country, I'd deliver him up a public victim to disgrace and
+punishment.
+
+_Lady Am._ Oh, my impartial uncle! Had thy country any laws to punish
+him, who instead of paltry gold, would rob the artless virgin of her
+dearest treasure, in the rigid judge I should now behold the trembling
+criminal.
+
+     _Enter_ TWITCH, _with_ ROVER _bound, who keeps his face
+      averted, and Two_ RUFFIANS.
+
+_Eph._ [_Advances._] Speak thou.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Hold thy clapper thou--Who are the prosecutors?
+
+_Eph._ Call in--
+
+_Sir Geo._ Will nobody stop his mouth? [JOHN DORY _pushes him up
+against the wall_.] Where are the prosecutors?
+
+_Twitch._ There, tell his worship, the justice.
+
+_2d Ruffian._ A justice--Oh! the devil! I thought we should have
+nothing but quakers to deal with. [_Aside._] Why, your honour, I'll
+swear--[_In a feigned country voice._
+
+_Sir Geo._ [_Looking at them._] Oh, ho! Clap down the hatches, secure
+these sharks.
+
+_Rover._ I thought I should find you here, Abrawang, and that you had
+some knowledge of these fellows.
+
+_Lady Am._ Heavens! my cousin Harry--[_Aside._]
+
+_Sir Geo._ The devil! isn't this my spear and shield?
+
+_John._ [_Advances._] My young master--Oh! what have you been at here?
+[_Unbinds_ ROVER.]
+
+     _Enter_ HARRY.
+
+_Harry._ My dear fellow, are you safe.
+
+_Rover._ Yes, Dick, I was brought in here very safe, I assure you.
+
+_Harry._ A confederate in custody below has made a confession of their
+villainy, that they concerted this plan to accuse him of a robbery;
+first for revenge, then, in hope to share the reward for apprehending
+him: he also owns they are not sailors, but depredators on the public.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Keep them safe in limbo. [_Ruffians taken off._]--Not
+knowing that the justice of peace, whom they've brought the lad now
+here before, is the very man they attacked, ha, ha, ha! The rogues
+have fallen into their own snare.
+
+_Rover._ What, now, you're a justice of peace; well said, Abrawang!
+
+_Amelia._ Then, Sir George, you know him too?
+
+_Sir Geo._ Know puppy unknown! to be sure.
+
+_Rover._ Madam, I am happy to see you again. [_To_ AMELIA.]--Ah, how
+do you do, my kind host? [_Shakes hands with_ BANKS.
+
+_Lady Am._ I rejoice at thy safety--Be reconciled to him. [_To_ SIR
+GEORGE.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Reconciled!--If I don't love, respect, and honour him, I
+should be unworthy of the life he rescued. But who is he?
+
+_Harry._ Sir, he is--
+
+_Rover._ Dick, I thank you for your good wishes; but I am still
+determined not to impose on this lady--Madam, as I at first told this
+well meaning tar, when he forced me to your house, I am not the son of
+Sir George Thunder.
+
+_John._ No! Then I wish you were the son of an admiral, and I your
+father.
+
+_Harry._ You refuse the lady? To punish you, I've a mind to take her
+myself.--My dear cousin--
+
+_Rover._ Stop, Dick.--If I, who adore her, won't, you shall not.
+No, no; madam, never mind what this fellow says, he's as poor as
+myself--Isn't he, Abrawang.
+
+_Harry._ Then, my dear Rover, since you are so obstinately disinterested,
+I'll no longer teize my father, whom you here see, and in your strolling
+friend, his very truant Harry, that ran from Portsmouth school, and
+joined you and fellow comedians.
+
+_Rover._ Indeed!
+
+_Harry._ Dear cousin, forgive me, if, through my zeal for the happiness
+of my friend, I endeavoured to promote yours, by giving you a husband
+more worthy than myself. [_To_ LADY AMARANTH.
+
+_Rover._ Am I to believe! Madam, is your uncle, Sir George Thunder, in
+this room?
+
+_Lady Am._ He is.--[_Looking at_ SIR GEORGE.
+
+_Rover._ 'Tis so! You, in reality, what I've had the impudence to
+assume! and have perplexed your father with my ridiculous effrontery.
+--[_Turns to_ JOHN DORY, _angry_.] I told you, I insisted I wasn't the
+person you took me for, but you must bring your damned chariot! I am
+ashamed and mortified. Madam, I beg to take my leave.
+
+_Eph._ Thou art welcome to go.
+
+_Rover._ [_Bows._] Sir George, as the father of my friend, I cannot
+lift my hand against you; but I hope, sir, you'll apologize to me.
+[_Apart._
+
+_Sir Geo._ Ay, with pleasure, my noble splinter--now tell me from what
+dock you were launched, my heart of oak?
+
+_Rover._ I've heard, in England, sir; but from my earliest knowledge,
+till within a very few years, I've been in the East Indies.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Beyond seas? Well, and how?
+
+_Rover._ It seems I was committed an infant to the care of a lady, who
+was herself obliged by the _gentle_ Hyder Ally, to strike her toilet,
+and decamp without beat of drum, leaving me a chubby little fellow
+squatted on a carpet. A serjeant's wife alone returned, and snatched
+me off triumphant, through fire, smoke, cannon, cries, and carnage.
+
+_Lady Am._ Dost thou mark? [_To_ AMELIA.
+
+_Amelia._ Sir, can you recollect the name of the town, where--
+
+_Rover._ Yes, ma'am, the town was Negapatnam.
+
+_Amelia._ I thank you, sir.
+
+     [_Gazes with delight and earnestness on_ ROVER.
+
+_Rover._ An officer, who'd much rather act Hotspur on the stage,
+than in the field, brought me up behind the scenes at the Calcutta
+theatre--I was rolled on the boards, acted myself into the favour
+of a colonel,--promised a pair of colours; but, impatient to find my
+parents, hid myself in the steerage of an homeward bound ship; assumed
+the name of Rover, from the uncertainty of my fate, and, having murdered
+more poets than Rajahs, stept on English ground, unincumbered with
+rupees or pagodas. Ha, ha! Wou'dst thou come home so, little Ephraim?
+
+_Eph._ I would bring myself home with some money.
+
+_Amelia._ Excuse my curiosity, sir; what was the lady's name in whose
+care you were left?
+
+_Rover._ Oh, ma'am, she was the lady of a Major Linstock: but I heard
+my mother's name was Seymour.
+
+_Sir Geo._ Why, Amelia!
+
+_Amelia._ My son!
+
+_Rover._ Madam!
+
+_Amelia._ It is my Charles! [_Embraces him._
+
+_Sir Geo._ Eh!
+
+_John._ [_Sings and capers, claps_ EPHRAIM _on the shoulders_.] Tol,
+lol, lol, though I never heard it before, my heart told me he was a
+chip of the old block.
+
+_Amelia._ Your father!--[_To_ ROVER, _pointing to_ SIR GEORGE.
+
+_Rover._ Can it?--Heaven! then have I attempted to raise my impious
+hand against a parent's life!
+
+_Sir Geo._ My dear brave boy! Then have I a son with spirit to fight
+me as a stranger, yet defend me as a father.
+
+_Lady Am._ [_Takes him by the hand._] Uncle, you'll recollect 'twas I,
+who first introduced a son to thee.
+
+_Sir Geo._ And I hope you will next introduce a grandson to me, young
+slyboots. Harry, you've lost your fortune.
+
+_Harry._ Yes, sir, but I've gained a brother, whose friendship (before
+I knew him to be such,) I prized above the first fortune in England.
+
+_Rover._ My generous friend--My dearest Rosalind!
+
+_Amelia._ Then, will you take our Charles? [_To_ L. AMARANTH.
+
+_Lady Am._ Yea; but only on condition thou bestowest thy fortune on
+his friend and brother, mine is sufficient for us, is it not?
+
+_Rover._ Angelic creature!--to think of my generous friend--But now
+for "As you like it." Where's Lamp and Trap--I shall ever love a
+play--a spark from Shakspeare's Muse of Fire, was the star that guided
+me through my desolate and bewildered maze of life, and brought me to
+these unexpected blessings.
+
+  To merit friends so good, so sweet a wife,
+  The Tender Husband be my part for life;
+  My Wild Oats sown, let candid Thespian laws
+  Decree that glorious harvest,--your applause.
+
+
+THE END.
+
+
+
+
+TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE
+
+
+Contemporary spellings have been retained, even where inconsistent. In
+a very few instances, missing punctuation has been added.
+
+Two corrections were made to the text:
+
+     In Act I, Scene 1, "Ill" was changed to "I'll" in Jane's
+     sentence: "I'll tie your neck in a big beau".
+
+     In ACT I, Scene 2, a second, superfluous instance of the
+     word "my" was deleted from Rover's exclamation: "'Pon my
+     soul"
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Wild Oats, by John O'Keeffe
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